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a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..97b2148823ef482c94da55d8b8875a330e5e6533 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, San Francisco. Thank you so much. So good to be here. People were surprised when I told ’em I was gonna tape my special in San Francisco. Said, “Why would you do that? That’s the most politically correct city in the world.” Not when I’m on stage, it’s not.I love this place. One of my favorite cities to perform in. It’s a good place to hang out. Got to walk around a little bit today. Saw a baby. Saw a baby locked inside the back of a hot car. So it’s been a great day. Love that. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a monster. I tried to help the baby. Tried to throw a rock through the window. Window was down. Ruined that baby’s whole weekend. It was worth it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..16e2231c648fa9dc15cad32a669ef0cf0e77ad71 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I love San Francisco. One of my favorite things is how beautiful all the women are here. Yeah. Women in San Francisco are gorgeous. I say that despite what’s… going on in this crowd tonight. But you guys live here. You guys live here. You’ve seen ’em. I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman. Like a supermodel. I walked up, I was like, “Hey, where you from? What do you do?” She goes, “Oh, me? I live here in San Francisco. I’m a brain surgeon.” I don’t know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed. You know? I mean… Most women… can’t pull off sarcasm. This is gonna be a good show. See, that joke, that joke is a test. To see if you guys are cool or not. That thing about the baby in the car, that’s just me clearing my throat. That joke’s the test. If you guys laugh at that joke, whole show goes great. You don’t laugh at that joke, whole show goes bad. And I’ve had shows go very, very bad. Doesn’t matter to me at all. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..82239ea0dbf7b78732fff5d46de321d4b54664e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now, this next joke, this next joke is a test to see how cool you are. I, uh… I used to have a son. Already some of you see where this is going, that’s good. That’s good. I used to have a little two-year-old son, but he died. The same way Eric Clapton’s son died. For inspiration. I’m not gonna lie, this is the best that joke has ever done. You guys kinda laughed, then started talking to each other for some reason. Then started clapping, that is amazing. Most people just boo me. But if you didn’t understand the joke… don’t worry. It’s a complicated joke, a lot of things you gotta know. That joke is like an onion. You’ve gotta know who Eric Clapton is. Not a given these days. You’ve gotta know about his kid. You gotta know how clumsy that little lad was. You gotta know about that terrible fucking song. And then you gotta think all that’s funny. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3c9aeb7435f9cca5219e52e1634d361d69719c16 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now, I gotta get to know you guys a little bit. Starting with you for sure. I can tell you’re a big comedy fan and bat-shit insane. Did you just come from the fucking dentist or what? What is your name? – Peggy Jo. – Peggy. Peggy, what do you try to do? Not a lot, I’m disabled. You’re disabled? I know you’re disabled. Is this your husband with you? Okay. Sir, what do you do, so I can move the fuck on. – I’m an electrician. – You’re an electrician? Great. That’s an honorable job. That’s a good job to have. I’m sure you shock the shit out of her on a daily basis. Electrician. It’s a wonderful job. There’s a lot of bad jobs out there, I’ll tell you that right now. Lot of bad jobs. Hell, my Uncle John runs a summer camp for… kids about to get molested. I know, right? I know, it sounds awful. Sounds awful, but he loves it. He’s like… Says he’s never worked a day in his life. Doesn’t pay much, but the benefits… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f27fe23c6eb56d0c35000a4edb7b76885d62f782 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Do you guys have any kids? How many? I have one, and he has two. Okay. You guys ever done that thing where you go online and see how many sex offenders live around you? Isn’t it crazy? Isn’t it way more than you’d think? You think it might be like one or two. No, it’s like chicken pox. I went online, 15 child molesters. Fifteen child molesters within five miles of my apartment. So, why do we always have to meet at my place? And if you’re wondering, “Anthony, this is great, but are all of these jokes gonna be about hurting children?” I don’t know, probably. Seems like something I would do.I of course live in Los Angeles. I’ve got a nice place. Obviously. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..354c6d4276fb4d8384c2a928295c5fae79b7c3eb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My brother’s been staying with me, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door, I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.” I said, “Get inside.” My family loves it when I put them in jokes. They love it. “Anthony, please, put me in your next joke.” “Are you sure? I’m gonna make you a pedophile.” “We don’t care. We wanna be part of this thing you’ve got going on.” So I wrote that joke, put my brother in. I’m in Chicago, where he lives. After the show, he comes backstage and I say, “Mikey, what’d you think about that new joke? Did you like the shout out?” And he gets all uncomfortable. He goes, “Well, crowd seemed to think it was funny… but I think it’s kinda weird that you got a joke where you wanna fuck me.” And I said, “What, Mikey? No! No, Mikey. You’re my brother. That’s a joke about you masturbating in front of my house.” And he goes, “Yeah, and then you’re like, ‘Get back inside.'” Just in case you guys are wondering whether my brother’s a fuckin’ idiot. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2cf72bae862ba5953b6acece05cf10c38a315159 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Yeah, I’ve got a nice place. Try to keep it nice. Not always successful. Like, I tried getting a puppy. Disaster. Had to get rid of that puppy. Had to get rid of that puppy almost immediately. The first time I left it home alone, the first time I left that puppy home alone, that damn thing tore my entire place apart, shit everywhere, and starved to death. Why are you mad? I’m the one who couldn’t get his money back. And this is traditionally where crowds really start to turn on me. After I kill a puppy with neglect. And it’s okay. It’s okay, you can get mad at me. You can hate me. You can hate me and still laugh at me. That’s how talented I am. And I’m used to it. I’m used to it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0b4e301fdec4ab0edfe7a9746378522236bccada --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I once dated a girl who punched me in the face as hard as she could. Once dated a girl, punched me right in the face as hard as she could. I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t say anything about it. I just turned around and left the room. But in my head, in my head, all I was thinking was… “Now we’re even.” She was so mad. She got mad at me. She got mad at me ’cause I killed all of her plants. Killed every single one of her house plants. And she had told me. She said, “Anthony, I’m going out of town for two weeks. Give each one of these half a cup of water every other day.” But I’m a dude. All I heard was “two weeks” and “cheat on me.” Like my neighbors in L.A… My neighbors in L.A. have got this smokin’ hot 18-year-old daughter. I mean, she’s perfect. But she just got a tattoo of a butterfly over her chest. Which is horrible. Doesn’t she understand how dumb that’s gonna look some day, all stretched out over my lamp? Yeah, that’s a joke. That’s a joke where I’m a serial killer. I’m very open about it. Don’t you dare tighten up on me. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c0ffdd368d1dc74e6adf2e55aa7e637e0626b131 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I hate sensitivity. I hate it. Even when little kids get sensitive, that makes me mad. I got a six-year-old nephew. I asked what he wants for his birthday. He said, “Uncle Anthony, I want you to get me a Barbie doll.” I said, “Fuck you.” “You six-year-old piece of shit.” And don’t get me wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care if he plays with dolls. He can wear dresses if he wants to. But I’m not getting him a Barbie doll. You see, Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations… …of how easy it’s gonna be to tear off a head. I won’t do it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..75cc03edf6efaea49388e239b92cb2583c124b2a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I get really mad when people get sensitive about comedy. If you’re sensitive about comedy, it’s the dumbest thing you can do. I call them the joke police. They always have one rule, one rule they have. You can’t make fun of this right now. After a couple years, they move on to something else, which is why it’s so hypocritical. Like the thing today, the thing right now you can’t make fun of, the thing that’s too sensitive at this moment? Trans-gendered people. See? You can’t do it. Can’t make fun of them. It’s too sensitive. In fact, you can’t even call them “chicks with dicks” anymore. No. No. You have to call them “men who talk too much.” Right? But I hear this all the time. People’ll be like, “Anthony, that was really funny. But, man, women must hate you. Women must come to your shows and hate the shit out of you.” And I always say, “No. No. Stupid women hate my shows.” “Stupid women hate my shows. Smart women… don’t come to my shows.” Speaking of which, what’s your name? – What? Kim. – Kim. – Kim, where you from? – San Jose. San Jose? Okay. What do you do, Kim? Um, I’m a branch manager. – Like for a bank? For a Pizza Hut? – No, for… What? What the fuck? Where’d you go to school? – UC Santa Cruz. – What’d you study? – Economics. – Economics? Okay. You ever gonna use that someday? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c5d14b0595cea7afd7ff8e15a63a34473912c88a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I had to go to Catholic school when I was a kid. Hated Catholic school. Hated Catholic school more than anything. The nuns were vicious. They would hit me with a ruler, slap me in the face. Anything to defend themselves. You guys loved the shit out of that one, huh? Hated school. When I was in the fifth grade, one of my classmates got cancer. Came down with the cancer. Which was sad. But the story is actually cool and inspiring. Every single guy… Every single guy in the school, we all… shaved our heads to make fun of him. Yeah. No, it was great. It was great, we did it for like a month. We would have kept doin’ it, but you know. You know how cancer gets.You guys ever… You guys ever trace back your family history? Go back a couple generations in your family tree, find out embarrassing shit you wish you didn’t know? I traced my family tree back, found that I actually had family fighting on both sides in World War II. Humiliating. The piece-of-shit side of my family fought for the Nazi infantry in Germany, while the bad-ass Jeselniks were here in America spying for the Germans. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8058d71c70f36299fc0d6badb2fabbe9f31b2f78 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I assume everyone is drinking tonight? – Yeah! – Yeah! Whoo! That’s good. I love to drink. Love it. Do it all the time, every day, always have. I don’t know where it comes from either. Even my parents tell me, when I was just a little baby, I used to climb out of my crib every morning, and then crawl over to the liquor cabinet… to try to spend time with them.I like San Francisco, so liberal. So liberal. Clap your hands here. Clap your hands if you own a gun. San Jose is in the house, huh? Not too bad. I once asked the crowd in Houston that question. They just started firing guns in the air. Didn’t even let me finish the question. I don’t own a gun. I’m against guns, to be honest. When I was a kid… When I was a kid, my parents had a gun. My parents said we had to have a gun. Gotta have a gun to protect the five children. Gotta have a gun to protect our five children. Of course, they eventually got rid of it… to protect their four children. I’m not gonna lie, it was fun while it lasted. I was getting pretty good towards the end. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..80bdf3b2ff151b78858e02e419cf665644f76b69 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Man, my parents were strict. Mom and dad were strict. My mom and dad once made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. An entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting. Just to teach me an important lesson about brand loyalty. I learned a lot from my parents. Especially my dad. Like, I’ll never forget… the first time I ever got a bad report card in school. First time I got a bad report card, I brought it home, I gave it to my dad and my dad beat me. Beat the hell out of me. But I learned something. Because the next time I got a bad report card in school, I brought it home and I gave it to my mom. Let her take the hit. Yeah.My dad was a hard-ass. One of those guys who believed that men just learn by doing things. You know? You don’t take classes. You don’t read the instructions. You just do it and figure it out. Like, when I was a kid, I never got to take swimming lessons. No, my dad would pick me up and throw me in the water to teach himself CPR. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1b1af6e5ec8396b388a63663dfc92a577c807f16 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +As a kid, my dad’s prized possession, my dad’s favorite thing in the world growing up? My dad was the proud owner of a Mickey Mantle rookie card. Mickey Mantle rookie baseball card, mint condition. Kept it between two little pieces of plastic. But I was a kid. I didn’t know any better. One day I took that card to school and I traded it to a classmate for a candy bar. You know what that card is worth today? My relationship with my father.I mean it, my dad was no joke. My dad did not fuck around. My dad did not trust anybody. My dad did not trust anyone. In fact, he had a saying… but he wouldn’t tell me. What, too clever for you? That joke is fuckin’ amazing.Last year was a sad year for my family. Last year, my mom should’ve been celebrating her 60th birthday. But because of drugs, alcohol and other terrible decisions, we all forgot. It was sad. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..41e4f2f5c1aa9c5f5e9632c3aee4caf74a1a1dc5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about getting older, growing up and having money, and buying my mom nice things for her birthday. When I was a kid, we were poor. So poor I remember, just so I could go to my senior prom, just so I could go to my senior prom, I had to sell my U.S. passport on the street. Sold my passport on the street for 300 bucks to get to go to my prom. Of course this was before 9/11 so… my bad, everybody. Weird joke to clap for, but sure. My mom actually should’ve been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. I think.I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved my mother. She was my mom, of course I loved her. We fought a lot. My mom could be very racist. Very racist. And I do not tolerate racism. That’s ignorance and I hate that. When I was a kid, like nine years old, I’d come home after school. Once in a while, I’d bring a friend over to play with me at my house. Once in a while, I’d bring a black friend over. And when I did that, my mom would act weird. She’d pull me aside and say, “Anthony, who’s your new friend? Is he a drug dealer?” And I would say, “Shut up, Mom, that’s racist. Put your money away.”I never get to see my family anymore, really. Most of them are in jail, to be honest. And we never talk, write letters or any of that shit. ‘Cause they’re all in jail for the exact same thing. My testimony. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..aa31ac766952acce0203f371001eb8df6ef044b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You. – What’s your name? – Melissa. – Melissa, where you from? – Santa Clara. – What do you do? – I win things on the radio. – You win things on the radio? – Yeah. Follow-up question, how’d you get tickets to this? Let me ask you this. You ever, uh… you ever find a body in the woods? Ever do that? No? It’s okay. I have. I was walking through the woods one day and… some poor bastard had stepped in a bear trap or something. I never told anybody about it. But I went back there a week later, and he was dead. Yeah. I do crazy shit like that all the time. What can I say? I’m wacky.The other night I was driving my car. I was driving my car and I ran over a deer… a dear, dear friend.I’m torn constantly. At night, I do shows, but during the day, I’ve got a hobby. During the day, I go from town to town… and I shut down the local abortion clinic. You heard me. I shut down abortion clinics everywhere I go. It’s easy for me. I’m charming. I stand outside the front doors all day long and… consistently underbid them.You guys mad about that one? It’s gonna get so much fuckin’ worse. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..944e0b3a26eb91fe209b2e0f24d998ee49792bde --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +You guys mad about that one? It’s gonna get so much fuckin’ worse. Gotta talk to one more person. You, sir. What’s your name? – Allan. – Allan, where you from? – Frisco. – Frisco. I can tell you’re a local ’cause of how cool you are. What do you do, Frisco? – I fight fires. I fight fires. – You what? You’re a firefighter? Awesome. What do you wanna do? If you could do anything. If you could do any job in the world, what would your dream job be? – Travel the world. – Travel the world. It’s good to have a dream. I hope you go for it. It doesn’t sound like you’re even gonna get close. I think you should do it. Travel the world. Do it.Everyone should try to live their dream, that’s my point. Everyone. I get to live my dream. I mean, not when I’m in San Francisco, but for the most part. Being a comedian was my dream. ‘Cause no one can tell me what to do. That’s all I cared about. Most people don’t ever try to live their dream. Lot of people try and they fail. Which I think is better, more noble, more respectable. +I had an uncle. All he ever dreamed about, cared about, talked about… wanted to become an astronaut. Fly into space one day. And he went for it. He went for it. And he failed. He blew it. Ended up becoming one of those pussies… …on the Space Shuttle Challenger. You guys remember that, right? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7eb63a83520c68606017e274a4a0f78bc043ff8c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I think it’s funny.I think it’s funny how the things that happen to us when we’re kids end up staying with us for our entire lives. I got this little niece. When she was three years old, she almost drowned. And now to this day, even ten years later, she still will not go anywhere near me. Yeah, I was babysitting her… and trying to do laundry. And she accidentally fell into the washing machine. Thought I was quick. I got good reflexes. I thought I got her out before anyone would find out what happened, but nope. Turned everything pink.You’re gonna find out a lot about yourselves on this next one. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9e7884c8d5235f684798b4c910bb9f2d7334eaf7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Hey, did you guys know… Did you guys know that when a newborn baby… when a newborn baby is first born, when it’s fresh out of the womb… it can actually hear and see everything around it… for up to ten seconds after it’s decapitated? Yeah. Yeah. I never know what to say. I never know what to say to someone after they’ve lost a baby. What do you say to someone after they’ve lost a baby? “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss”? Doesn’t cut it. “Are you gonna be okay?” Not even close. That’s why I just keep my mouth shut. Let my lawyer do the talking.I’m not good with kids. That’s my point. That’s what this whole thing’s about. I’m not good with kids. Not gonna lie. Hell, a couple of months ago, I dropped my cousin’s baby. Flat-out dropped my cousin’s baby on the ground. But I don’t feel like that was my fault. I don’t feel responsible for that one, you know? Who in their right mind… who the hell in their right mind would ever ask me, Anthony Jeselnik, to be a pallbearer? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..01e0498bd5cc1007eecd11cf20abc980419f2ed2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +It’s okay, people hate… people hate dead baby jokes. They hate them. They hate them. It’s like, “Anthony, why do you have to tell dead baby jokes? Why do you have so many dead baby jokes?” “No one likes them, why do you insist?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Because dead baby jokes have made me rich.And who was it? Who was it who said the first million is the hardest? Was it Hitler? Didn’t see that one coming, did you? That was a good response. Most audiences just pretend I didn’t say it. But I like it. I like making Hitler jokes. It’s cool for me. I enjoy it. Hell, I lost my grandfather. I lost my grandfather in the Holocaust Museum. It was the Holocaust Museum of Modern Art. Which is just like a normal Holocaust museum, except you walk around all day being like, “Oh! I should have thought of that.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c53ffd228ed0e7b6813e5ea9c1c9d7c9eec1c696 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My grandmother died about a year ago. And I didn’t think anything could ever be worse than when my grandmother passed away. But I was wrong. It was fine. The hard part, the upsetting part… was that we thought she died in the way that she wanted. She wanted to die in the best way possible, like uh… You, radio winner. What’s the best way you can die? This is not a trick question. – In your sleep? – Yes, thank you. Thank you, everybody wants to die peacefully in their sleep. Not me. I want to be alert, awake, surrounded by friends, in a house fire. But my grandmother wanted to go peacefully in her sleep. We thought that’s how she went. We were all excited for her. But then we did an autopsy. Found out she actually died horribly, in the worst way possible. During an autopsy. It was fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. She always said her grandkids didn’t pay enough attention to her and… and she was right. She was dead on. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9bfdd4373ca421f65f2b4b6bdfa42945740d3069 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But I loved my grandma. Loved her very much. My grandma taught me about a lot. Taught me what religion is. Taught me everything you can know about religion, in one quick story. I’ll tell you now. When I graduated from high school… When I graduated, my grandma came to me, gave me a big hug, said, “Anthony, I’m so proud of you. You’re my first grandchild to get to go to college. What can I do for you, what can I give you before you go to college?” And I said, “Honestly, Grandma, all I need from you is money.” Yeah, I know you guys have never been, but college is expensive. And my grandma said, “Okay, Anthony, I understand.” Couple months go by. It’s the end of summer. I’m packing up my dad’s car, getting ready to go to school, and my grandma walks up. Says, “Anthony, here, before you leave, take this.” And she handed me a brand-new Bible. King James Version. And I said, “Thanks, Grandma, that’s exactly what we talked about.” I got in the car and I went off to school. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4d4f364e2d0a994727f1fb8ee647ac638f923610 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Couple of weeks go by, I’m hanging out in my dorm room, having a good time, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, just calling to see how college is going.” “Grandma, college is the best. I’m having the time of my life. But to be honest, I’m starting to run low on money, and I could use a little bit, like we talked about.” She said, “Okay, well let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Totally, Grandma, I’m on chapter four.” She said, “Okay, Anthony, I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Hung up the phone. Couple of months go by. Now I’m really starting to struggle financially. Might have to drop out of school, so I call my grandma in a panic. I say, “Please, it’s Anthony. I’m having the time of my life in college. But if I wanna graduate, and I do, I need you to send me some money like we talked about.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Yes, Grandma! I wish it was longer!” And she said, “Okay, Anthony. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Finally, it’s the end of the school year. I’ve got straight A’s, but I’m dropping out of college, ’cause I have no more money left. And I’m furious, close to tears, cleaning out my dorm room, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, I heard you’re dropping out of school today. How come?” And I said, “You know goddamn well how come, Grandma! ‘Cause you wouldn’t give me any money.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Did you read your Bible?” And I just hung up the phone. I was so pissed off. Took everything out of that room. Last thing I took off the shelf, the last thing I took out of that room, was that Bible my grandma had given me. Took it off the shelf, held it in my hands, and for the first time, I actually opened it up. And on the very first page, in my grandmother’s handwriting, it said, “Fuck you.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4ba40ec311703c20366a640aa5c29a956644184a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Thank you everyone. I hope you enjoyed the jokes I prepared for you tonight. And all the jokes I write, they’re all made up, they’re all fake, except for Eric Clapton and the Challenger. Everything else… everything else is fake. But everything I’m about to tell you, from here until the end of the show, that’s all true. Now… I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I’m a comedian because I tell dark jokes. I’m kind of fucked up, all right? I’ve always been this way. I can’t really help myself. It gets me into trouble a lot. I lose friends. It’s ruined relationships with people in my family. For instance, my grandmother actually did pass away, about six months ago. I did love her very much. She was a big fan of mine. And I was asked to speak at her funeral, which was a horrible mistake. Horrible mistake. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4f7e4ba45e57ac8d6d161022fc2bd2e24ebc954d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + No one should ever ask me to speak at anyone’s funeral. I asked a friend for advice. Was like, “I’ve never talked to a group of people without getting paid a lot of money. How should I handle this?” “Anthony, just go up there and tell a story. Find one moment about you and your grandma you can share with everybody. And don’t tell a joke. Try not to.” So I walked up and was like, “You know what my favorite memory was? When I was like four years old, before I learned to read, Grandma would curl up with me on the couch, she had this Southern accent, and she would read to me. She would read Mark Twain to me, and I loved it. Like… Mark Twain out of my grandma’s mouth, it would just come to life.” And then I couldn’t help myself. I said, “And I know my grandma loved it too, because it combined her two favorite things: spending time with her grandchildren, and using the ‘N’ word.” Now I promise you… I promise you… until you’ve heard your grandfather gasp at his own wife’s funeral… …at a Methodist Church in Vicksburg, Mississippi… you are not a real comedian. I am a real comedian. I am a pure comedian. I think I’m one of the best comedians of all time. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..681efc8670e0c3d5533c12738e9129cfeb704c4f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if you believe me. It really doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I would pass a lie detector test. I like to test myself.I like to test myself by joking about horrible things and nothing but. One of my favorite ways to test myself, I like to joke about tragedies the day that they happen. The day they happen. I don’t believe in too soon. I’m on a tight schedule. And I’m good at it. I’m good at it. Like, the day of… the day of the Aurora, Colorado Batman movie theater shooting. The day it happened, I went online, I went on Twitter, and I tweeted “Other than that, how was the movie?” Right? Right? Nailed it. Nailed it. And the reason I get away with that… the reason I get away with stuff like that is I’m just the guy who does it. People are used to it from me. It would be weird if I didn’t make a joke the day of a tragedy. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7bc04bedffe5dc6bfa1fb74a9f8830cc399744a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Which is why I was very surprised when I got in a lot of trouble the day of the Boston Marathon. Now, I don’t follow the news regularly. But I know the second a tragedy happens because I get 25 text messages saying, “Don’t do it.” And whenever I see that… whenever I see that, it makes me sad. It makes me sad ’cause I know something horrible has happened. People will say, “Anthony, what’s funny about Aurora? What’s funny about the Boston Marathon? What’s funny about your grandmother’s funeral?” Nothing! Nothing is funny about those things. That’s where I come in. So I see these texts and I’m like, “Oh, no, what happened?” But I also think, “I’ve got a job to do.” So I go online, I start reading about it. I don’t want to watch the footage. But I’ll read about what happened. And I think, “How can I make someone laugh today?” And then I think, “I got it.” I go back on Twitter. And I tweet, “Guys, today, there are just some lines that should not be crossed.” “Especially the finish line.” And again, I think, “Nailed it. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” But then my phone starts to ring. And it’s my boss. Or should I say my former boss. And they say, “Anthony, this is unacceptable. You are not just a comedian today. You’re also the host of your own TV show, with your name in the title, on our network. You take this joke down right now or you’re fired.” And I say, “Go fuck yourselves.” And I meant it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a816ee982d616652cbba6796317cf07f77adf5f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + I didn’t get into comedy for money or fame. I know that sounds wrong, because I’m dripping with both. I only got into this business so that no one could tell me what to do. And they said… Sure. They said, “Well, Anthony, you don’t understand. You don’t understand at all. If you don’t take this joke down right now, if you don’t delete this joke right now, not only are you fired, but the entire cast and crew of your television show, about a hundred people, they’re also out of a job.” And I’m ashamed to tell you this. I’m embarrassed to admit it. But in that moment, I folded, and I deleted the joke. ‘Cause I’m happy to fight for what I believe in. I’m happy to take the consequences for what I’ve done. But what I could not do, cannot do, is walk up to my cameraman and say, “Hey, buddy, no work for you on Monday. I had this sweet tweet.” Couldn’t do it. But as soon as I hit delete, I got mad and I regretted it. I would fire every single one of those fucking assholes now, I’ll tell ya that. And I got mad for betraying myself and everything I believe in. I’m just as mad today as I was then. Just as mad. So mad, I had to have a meeting with the network, where they called me in for a little lecture. They’re like, “Anthony, we’re family. Why are you so upset? Can’t you see we did you a favor? Don’t you worry about your career?” Let me ask you, San Francisco, do I seem like I worry about my career? No. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4d5e53c76058685f93390c455b1001230e05df0c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know why people who win the lottery always end up going bankrupt? Because if they’re worried about their money, they wouldn’t have played the lottery in the first fuckin’ place. I do not worry about my career. And they said, “Anthony, the problem is when you make a joke on Twitter the day of a tragedy, it seems like you’re making fun of the victims, and that’s wrong.” But that’s not what I’m doing. Because, you see, the day of a tragedy, victims are not on Twitter. Am I wrong? Tell me I’m wrong. The day of a tragedy, victims have got victim shit to do. No one is ever… No one is ever putting on a tourniquet, asking, “Hey, are we trending?”No. This is who I’m making fun of when I make a joke on Twitter the day of a tragedy. The people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the Internet. And they run to their social media, Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got. And they all write down the exact same thing: “My thoughts and prayers…” “My thoughts and prayers with the people in Aurora.” “My thoughts and prayers with the families in Boston.” Do you know what that’s worth? Fucking nothing. Fucking less than nothing. Less than nothing. You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying, “Don’t forget about me today.” “Don’t forget about me.” “Lots of crazy distractions in the news, but don’t forget how sad I am.” Those people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of. They’re like a wedding photographer who only takes selfies. You understand? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8f7e939b7597763ce7047dec9e0f99942a7528de --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now I’m sure everyone here has told a joke before where nobody laughed at it. It’s fine. It’s embarrassing, but it’s fun. You can laugh at yourself. It’s not a reason to stop telling jokes. Maybe some of you have told a joke before where someone got mad at you for it. Trust me, that’s fun too. You guys ever tell a joke and then get death threats? Well, I guess that’s what makes me me. On my television show, I once did a segment that aired once and only once, before it was banned, called “Shark Party.” All right? Now… Some of you enjoyed it, but if you’ve never seen “Shark Party,” you can never see “Shark Party.” It’s been wiped off the face of the earth by the powers that be, so I will explain it to you. I love sharks. I love sharks more than anything. People… People I can barely fucking tolerate. Every single year, 100 million sharks are killed by human beings. Every year, 20, 25 people killed by sharks? So when I hear about a shark attack, I’m like, “Fuck, yeah.” Win one for the home team. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5d432e0cdfbef3225a94e9870d7ebab186452b17 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So as soon as I get this show where I can do what I want, I say, “You know what? I want to have a shark party. As soon as there’s a shark attack, we’re having a shark party.” And I get lucky. About a month into my run, this guy from New Zealand gets eaten by a great white, the champagne of sharks. And I know exactly what to do. I’ve already got the script written. I walk on stage, in front of the cameras. I say, “Ladies and gentlemen, this guy from New Zealand has been eaten by a great white shark. It’s time for a shark party.” Lights go down, music comes up. Six women wearing shark dresses come out on either side of me, and we all start dancing. For way too long. A stripper wearing a giant shark head runs out and gives me a lap dance. Very tasteful. And then I stand up and we show a giant picture of the guy who got eaten. Which, in retrospect, is where it all went wrong. But I get to say my favorite thing I’ve ever said on television: “Smile, you son of a bitch. Shark party.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d344f9d02def51b9b499381478f48de8c6a9a693 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And in America, where I’m famous for those types of shenanigans… everybody was like, “Anthony, that was fucked up.” “It was fucked up to see you dance.” End of controversy. However, in New Zealand, where they don’t get my show, they’ve never seen me, and frankly, they don’t get out much… the New Zealand media takes the video… and they show it to the guy’s family. And they say, “What do you guys think about this?” And they say, “Crikey,” or whatever the fuck they say over there. The point is, all of New Zealand, all of New Zealand rises up against me. All 45 of those cunts rise up. And start threatening my life. Now, I don’t read the things that people write about me on the Internet. But I pay people who do. And they come to me, and they’re like, “We’ve got some terrible news. Please sit down.” They say, “You are getting a lot of death threats online from New Zealand because of ‘Shark Party.'” And I was like, “Really? New Zealand wants to kill me? That’s weird because they didn’t even kill the shark.” I said, “How many death threats am I getting?” And they were like “Oh, all of them. You are getting all of the death threats. What do you want us to do? We can send someone to talk to them. Extra security? What do you want?” I said, “No, forget about it. Leave it alone, don’t worry.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_33.txt b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_33.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e0e970fa0c712849dd2eb99cdbfd7df6c9445eff --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AJ_TP_text_33.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +This might be hard for some to understand. I’ve said it several times tonight. Everyone is going to die. I know full well I am going to die. And most of us don’t get to choose how we check out. But if I die because someone murders me over one of my jokes? Best case scenario. If somebody murders me over one of my jokes, I immediately become a legend. I’m a comedy God. The Mount Rushmore of comedy is me, four times. I said, “Come on then.” My security guys are like, “Okay, Anthony, well, just so you know, that is the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard.” “But you’re the boss. Okay.” And they leave. And then the next day they come back. And they say “Anthony, sorry to bother you again. I know you didn’t care yesterday, but it’s gotten much worse. You’re gonna wanna hear this.” They say, “Someone from New Zealand tracked down your mom and dad’s phone number and address in Pittsburgh, posted that online… and now your entire family is getting death threats from New Zealand.” And I have to admit, that had never occurred to me before. It never crossed my mind… that my family, my loved ones, would ever pay the price, be caught in harm’s way, for something I’ve done or I’ve joked about. And honestly, I would cut my throat for my jokes. I would give my life for what I do. But if anyone, and I mean this for a fact, if anyone ever hurt my family or killed someone I cared about because of a joke I’ve made? Even better. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2bf7fffbdd130b886448e8b599746391d780f592 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: Ali Wong! Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you! Thank you for coming. Hello! Hello. We are gonna have to get this shit over with, ’cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes. But thank you, everybody, so much for coming.Um… It’s a very exciting day for me. It’s been a very exciting year for me. I turned 33 this year. Yes! Thank you, five people. I appreciate that. Uh, I can tell that I’m getting older, because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl, my automatic thought… is “Fuck you.” “Fuck you. I don’t even know you, but fuck you!” ‘Cause I’m straight up jealous. I’m jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism. Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit, and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right? They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating through. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e59d46e48baf6281ebd565a2e25570c3a9e0c38f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep. Right? They don’t have insomnia yet. They don’t know what it’s like to have to take a Ambien or download a Meditation Oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind. They have their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t have HPV yet. They just go to sleep in peace at night. Everybody has HPV, OK? Everybody has it. It’s OK. Come out already. Everybody has it. If you don’t have it yet, you go and get it. You go and get it. It’s coming. You don’t have HPV yet, you’re a fucking loser, all right? That’s what that says about you. A lot of men don’t know that they have HPV, because it’s undetectable in men. It’s really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies and says, “Boo!” in women’s bodies. My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV. Either I have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer… …or I have the kind where my body will heal itself. Very helpful, this doctor, right? So, basically, either I’m gonna die… or you’re in the presence of Wolverine, bitches. We’ll find out. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..260badc68eb5a8ef370ef817a0a270f9631a3243 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Um, I can also tell that I’m getting older, because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library. I’m not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK? I’m interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Yes. Yes, that’s right, how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success. That’s what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around? I’m a horrible person, I’m not happy with where I am, how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me!I have a hoarding problem, which I’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems. I’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear. I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything, because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth. So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade, ’cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the Communists. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9359a8f5cd63067494abb97c35de375776ca81a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The last time I was at home in San Francisco, I was trying to help her get rid of shit. Don’t ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst experience of my life. It was so emotional. We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI-82… manual. The manual. She don’t even know… where the calculator is. Those of you under 25 probably don’t know what that calculator is. It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation. We were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade. It cost like $200. And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson’s laptop from the future. All because what? It could graph. It was like the Tesla of my time. And my mom got so emotional about the manual and she was like, “You never know when you might need this.” And I was like, “But… I do know… that I’m gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die.” “And I’m not trying to be a procrastinator anymore. Because according to Deepak-Oprah, that’s not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0c3e08d7b9592a55705a7301128493bcc459ec81 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I grew up a lot this past year. Uh, this past year I also got married. Yeah. To a man who now has HPV. Very lucky guy. He gave me something. I gave him something. That will also last forever. No, really. I’m the lucky girl, because before him, I dated a lot of losers. Lots of losers. A lot of skaters. You wanna be a grown-ass woman, stop dating skaters. Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen. They’re sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside. Horrible. But my husband, I first met him at this wedding and, uh, he’s– he’s much better looking than me, he’s way out of my league, and I saw him and I was like, “Oh, my God, who is that?” And the first thing I learned about him was that, at the time, he was attending Harvard Business School. And I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m gonna trap his ass.” “Going to trap his ass!” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9a3f56cf27240f21945b4b66c90603f156503eb1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + And I trapped his ass initially by not kissing him until the fifth date, which is a very unusual move on my part. But I did it on purpose, because I knew that he was a catch. So I was like, “All right, Ali, you gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden.” When, really, it’s a public park… …that has hosted many reggae fests… …and has even accidentally let… two homeless people inside. I thought they were hipsters, OK? That store Urban Outfitters has made things very confusing… for my generation. You homeless or you a hipster? Is that beard for fashion or for warmth? It happened to… It happened in San Francisco, when I was living there, and I saw this guy in broad daylight and we had, like, we had… We had so much chemistry. He was like, “Hey, wassup?” I was like, “Wassup?” And we– The next thing I knew, we were getting busy in the back of my Volvo. And then after we were done, he was like, “Hey, can you drop me off?” I was like, “Where?” He was like, “At the park.” And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends, and I was like, “Oh, no!” “I just fucked a homeless dude! Again!” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3d56b7006863c5163eea1a9128c214571d37a307 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My husband is Asian. Which a lot of people are shocked by, because, usually, Asian-American women who, like, you know, wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions, they like to date white dudes. You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America and that shit is turning into a Yoko Ono factory. It’s… too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with these bitches. I get it, you know, because being with a white dude you feel very… You feel very picturesque when you’re with a white dude, you know. You feel like you’re in a Wes Anderson movie or something. And you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling, and disturbing documentaries. They introduce you to cool stuff like that and it’s very, you know, it’s hot hookin’ up with a white dude. I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy. Oh, my God. I just feel like I’m absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement… …you know, just right there, through the money hole and just… And then also, he’s so vulnerable down there. I’m, like, “I could just crush your head at any moment, white man! I could just kill you right now! Crush those brains! Colonize the colonizer!” You know? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3c9ee3d0fa79562bfa6f1d700511c775a93effb6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But I think that for marriage, it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race. The advantage is that you get to go home… and be racist together. You get to say whatever you like! You don’t gotta explain shit. My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese. I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. And we spend 100 percent of our time shitting on Korean people. It’s… amazing. It’s what love is built on, you know?My last boyfriend was Cuban and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time. And I was like, “Hold it. You guys aren’t Mexican?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0717001e0cc786e963d3eb13dc93359b2d2c3548 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t know why people don’t go for them. They’re the sexiest. Asian men are the sexiest. They got no body hair from the neck down. It’s like making love to a dolphin. Oh, my God. It’s so smooth, just like a slip and slide. Just black fish, Tilikum, all up in my bed every night, you know? Ooh-wee. You mess with a Jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards. It’s all red and inflamed and you’re like, “I did not ask to be exfoliated today.” “This is the last time I go on J-date, more like loofah date. Thanks for the rug burn, Avi.” And then Asian men, no body odor. None. They just smell like responsibility. That’s where the umami flavor comes from. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..62fcf27548ea31a523bf352231462c794e86c2bd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I think my husband and I have a huge unspoken understanding, uh, between each other, because he’s half-Filipino and half-Japanese and I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. So, we’re both half-fancy Asian… …and half-jungle Asian. Yeah! You guys know the difference. The fancy Asians are the Chinese, the Japanese. They get to do fancy things like host Olympics. Jungle Asians host diseases. It’s… It’s different. But he grew up on the East Coast, going to private school, playing lacrosse, uh, you know, learning Latin and playing chess and rugby. He grew up like Filipino Carlton, OK? So, he didn’t know anything about Vietnamese people until he met me. And on one of our first dates, he took me to this restaurant on the west side of Los Angeles called Pho Show. He was like, “It’s authentic Vietnamese. I read about it on Yelp!” I was like, “It’s not authentic, OK?” You can tell, first and foremost, by the name, ’cause it don’t got a number in it. Second of all, you can tell by the bathroom. If it was legit, the bathroom would double as a supply closet. When I pee, I need to see ten gallons of bleach, an ATM machine and a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner. And the wait staff here is too nice. We need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0c738a4e882953c9df23481789ce14e9086c0da3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I grew up going to private school, too. Him and I are both total, like, private school Asians. We both are big hippies, too. We like to backpack through Southeast Asia. We like to do yoga. We do ayahuasca ceremonies. We do silent meditation retreats. That’s right, we pay $800 to shut up for a weekend. We do shit like that. Uh, we eat gluten-free, which means we eat all that bread that tastes like free-range Chewbacca. We eat that lesbian bread that’s like… …a thousand percent of your daily fiber… and 20 percent spoken word poetry. When you eat it, you queef a shitty poem about… …supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever. And so, it’s funny, right, because he’s Asian, too. But sometimes, all of this hippy-dippy shit we do… makes me feel like we are white people doing an impression of Asian people. Like, we have these Chinese scrolls up on the wall… and neither of us know what the fuck they mean. We’re like, “Oh, that seems to go very well with our Buddha piggy bank from Pier 1 Imports. That seems to be providing some good feng shui for the house. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e2d02a941c9302ece5cfd948194c3b9d4868a0f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Him and I had been dating for four years and I– I just had this sneaking suspicion that he was gonna propose… because… I had been pressuring him to do it. So, you know, I just had this wacky women’s intuition. That’s how proposals really work, OK? A woman has to incept the idea into the man’s head. First passively and then if he doesn’t get the message, extremely aggressively. You gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving, because you know that you’re too old and it’s too late to go back out there and find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again. So, you’re like, “I’m just gonna stick with this dude, focus on trapping this dude, and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in and gets fed up and is like, “Shut the fuck up! Fine, will you marry me?” And then afterwards, the woman is always, like, “Oh, my God! He proposed!” “It came outta nowhere. And look, he got me the exact ring I wanted. How did he know? Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page or something… that I sent to my best friend, that I told her to send to him every day.” Let me tell you something. If a man has a Pinterest page… he’s probably Pinterested in men. We got engaged on a Saturday. I bought my wedding dress the following Tuesday… because I had tried it on in 2012. I was ready. I was ripe. I was rotten. I need to be made into banana bread. That’s how rotten I was. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..edb318fd2d3ac70b884ada0dd106266f988c758e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +People are always very surprised at how, off-stage, with my husband, I’m a completely different person. You– Like, you would not recognize my personality at all with him. With him, I’m very soft, and, like, very nurturing and very domestic. We’ve been together now for five years, and for five years, I’ve packed his lunch every single day. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I did that so that he’d become dependent on me. ‘Cause he graduated from Harvard Business School, and I don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t. I straight up don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t feed him out of the goodness of my heart. I do it as an investment in my financial future. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. I’ve been reading that book by Sheryl Sandberg, she’s the C.O.O. of Facebook, and she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers. Talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves to sit at the table and rise to the top. And her book is called Lean In. Well, I don’t wanna lean in, OK? I wanna lie down. I want to lie the fuck down. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..03bc56d19e27fba3ba67d73ddb1b322d6aa2ad35 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no job. We had it so good. We could have done the smart thing, which would have been to continue playing dumb for the next century and be like, “We’re dumb women. We don’t know how to do anything. So, I guess we better just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch Ellen.” “‘Cause we’re too stupid to have any real responsibility.” And then, all these women had to show off and be like, “We could do it! We could do anything.” “Bitch, shut up!” “Don’t tell them the secret.” They ruined it for us, and now we’re expected to work. When I hear the phrase, “Double-income household,” I wanna throw up. A lot of women get very upset with me about those comments. And they’re like, “But, Ali, we have so many more options now.” Oh, you don’t think we had a lot of options when our day was free? Unscheduled, unsupervised, and most importantly, sponsored? Do you know how much shittier food tastes when you know you have to earn it? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..71e55d3755b3672bb8487c6726f22d8e56439fbb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +A lot of my friends, when we walk around together, they’ll get very judgmental about housewives that we’ll see on the street. And they’ll be like, “Look at that fucking housewife. Not doing anything. Look at that housewife, just walking around all day, getting massages in her Lululemon pants.” I’m like, “That bitch is a genius.” “She’s not a housewife, she’s retired.”I do write for Fresh Off the Boat on ABC. Yeah. Which is… It’s a great show. I love it a lot. I love my co-workers. It’s a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs, it’s probably one of the best you could ask for, but I still gotta work at a office every day. Which means I gotta shit in a office every day. Housewives, they don’t gotta shit in a office. Housewives get to shit in their house. Skin to seat. They don’t gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover. They don’t gotta… …ten times a day, every day… like you’re about to eat a sad-ass meal. They don’t gotta do that. They don’t gotta use that one-ply toilet paper, that office toilet paper, that they purposely make difficult to pull out. They try to ration me with their communist toilet paper that’s not even effective. It basically just dehydrates your butt hole. It’s basically like wiping your butt with the desert. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f2879c1fa642ed1d1ca0ffa2e8022444ca6cffb6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + I literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago, to try to make a MacGyver baby wipe, to moisten it, and then it backfired ’cause my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doo doo to come out, and then I had to start all over again. And you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed ’cause you’re paranoid that your co-worker’s gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall. And you’re like, “Oh, no! Courtney’s listening. She’s waiting. She’s timing me.” And then you hurry, hurry, hurry, and then you never finish wiping and then your butt hole feels caked in doo doo all day long. And then if you dare scratch yourself, your underwear at the end of the day looks like it’s been run over by the Goonies. Housewives, they don’t gotta muffle their shit, too. They don’t gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out. They don’t gotta try to, you know, squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace, so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep, deep shame. Housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want. They don’t gotta take these boring, repressed shits. They can listen to podcasts. Planet Money. They can do whatever they want. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1e1d13fb1216d09c1906f4b4671ef9019148f07f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know, it’s– it’s very distracting for me when I hear my co-workers blow ass into the toilet. I lose respect for them. Nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence. I heard one of my co-workers blow ass into the toilet the other day. This bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, “You need to get to work on time.” I was like, “You need to eat bananas.” “I saw those green ballet flats. I know that shit was you. Don’t try to tell me to get my shit together when I heard you not have your shit together.”My father-in-law had this huge sit-down with me and my husband recently. Um, and he was like, “Hey, I wanna talk to you guys about money. You guys need to make a lot more money if you wanna provide your children with the same kind of privileged childhood that you guys had.” I was like, “Why you telling me this shit? I should not be a part of this conversation. You tell you son that. Don’t your understand that I trapped your son for his earning potential? Why else would I choose to fuck one person for the rest of my life? I chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement, and when I said, ‘I do,’ what I really meant was, ‘Oh, I’m done.'” I’m done. I don’t wanna work anymore and I’m not dieting anymore. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7ccb0ec087763b33f3fe6c860f87543ed417e430 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Since I got married last year, I’ve been eating fried chicken skin every day since. That’s right. And just fulfilling my destiny. Which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes. Like Mrs. Pacman, just… Let’s redecorate.I gave up a lot of myself when I got married. I’m a– I’m a disgusting pervert. I’m a pervert. I’m a gross filthy animal. And I think it’s because I started watching porn at a very young age. And what happens when you start watching porn at a young age is that… y-you get sicker, and sicker, and sicker. The images you crave get sicker, and sicker, and sicker, but it’s OK, because the Internet will always catch up to you.I broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back. I was like, “Uh, you’re a idiot, dude. Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist… and posted ‘Tiny Asian female seeking anal…’ the Internet would crash.” “And all the Jewish male heads in the universe would simultaneously explode.” They would explode. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6cb278f8216f610f6d7d418294c555b697e19afb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +A lot of women get really, you know… freaked out about anal. And they’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna do that. I’m scared of– of the pain.” You ain’t scared of the pain. Women, they wax their eyebrows, they do all sorts of crazy shit. You’re not scared of the pain. What you’re really scared of is doo doo on the dick. You’re scared that he’s gonna see that and that’s gonna be all of your shame, your inner evil, all your secrets and lies. Sephora can’t help you now. But don’t worry, ’cause when he puts it in the butt, all he’s thinking about is, “I just put it in her butt.” “I gotta go call my mom, my dad, Dave, my grandma.” You’re– If you’re married, you’re gonna have to do anal eventually, OK? You have to, because you gotta change it up. You gotta change it up, so that you don’t cheat on each other. You gotta keep it interesting. If you put it in different holes, maybe you’ll feel like you’re fucking different people. I was very sexually active in my 20s, and as a result, I’m a little bit… …stretched out down there, OK? So, when I finally did anal, I just felt like I got a second chance at life, you know? I was, like, “Oh, my God! It’s like I’m going back in time!” ♪ A whole new world ♪ It was magical. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..237aace5698e331713d8e19c6a757c36182fa698 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +A big fantasy of mine before I got married was to help as many men as possible discover their prostate. Yeah, like a conqueror. I just wanted to… Now, if you haven’t done it before, ladies, go home and treat yourself. Do it tonight. You only live once. YOLO. Just sneak your– Just give your man a little– a little push-push in the tush-tush. Just give him a little Atari, you know, and you’ll get a lot of resistance from the man at first. You’ll get a lot of “No! No! No! No, please! No, really, I don’t– No! I don’t! I don’t! No!” They get all squirmy wormy because… they’re scared. They’re scared that if you stick your thumb up there and succeed, and they like it, that then, it might mean that they’re gay. And I like that fear. That shit turns me on, you know? Especially when that fear metamorphosizes into pleasure. Oh, my God! And you just see the look in the man’s eye like he’s discovered nirvana. And it’s like you’re the first lady to show him that he had a magical clit in his butt hole. And then, you as the woman, in his eyes, just become the Lord of the Rim, you know? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ef2ae07f424ee376fefc7d4c1006131dd4616546 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My husband is unfortunately just not as freaky as me. When– When I’ve asked him to spank me, this is what he does. “Hey. Hey, are you OK? Are you all right? You know I respect you, right?” I’m, like, “Yes, I know you respect me and that’s why you need to abuse me. OK?” ‘Cause it’s the most strong-headed, loud-mouthed women who like to be abused the most in bed. Women who are C.E.O.s, they just wanna be roughed around. They just want their– Glasses always means the woman wants some– It’s because we’re so in control all the time, that we just wanna experience some risk and be out of control, you know? Like, “I don’t wanna die! Don’t kill me! I don’t wanna die!” But I also don’t want to be sure that I’m gonna live. You know? I just wanna be out of control for once. Just– Just choke me enough so that I can’t talk. ‘Cause if I can talk, I’m gonna tell you what to do. And I’m tired of being the boss. I’m the boss all the time, so, in the bedroom, you be the boss. Yes. Because I’m the real boss. And I told you so, motherfucker, so do it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8f9bff3fa898975df9ab6037b3ef2a7e6f748a64 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Sheryl Sandberg, that woman who wrote Lean In, has had such a big impact that now, because of her, there is a ban on the word “bossy” in elementary schools, because according to her, it’s sexist to use the word “bossy,” because boys are never called bossy. So, now, instead of saying, “You’re bossy,” you’re supposed to say, “You have executive leadership skills.” Which is a very roundabout way of saying: “You’re a little cunt.”I’m just waiting for the right moment to, like, become a housewife, financially, you know? I want my husband to get us to, like, a certain point financially. I wanna get to the point as a couple where I can comfortably afford sliced mango. Know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about that Whole Foods mango. That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango that was sliced by white people. That’s the kind of income bracket I’m striving for. That’s when you know you’ve made it, when you’re eating mango that was sliced by a dude named Noah. I want Noah mango… …Rebecca kiwi, Danielle pineapple. You know what else I want? I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk, see a quarter, and just keep on walking. Like a princess.I have some useful advice for all my Asian-American brothers and sisters. Yeah! Never go paintballing with a Vietnam veteran. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..24e4484b77ec1441bb311c0730ea8421c22b4b7b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So, I don’t know if you guys can tell, but I am seven and a half months pregnant. Yeah. It’s very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant, because female comics… don’t get pregnant. Just try to think of one. I dare you. There’s– None of them. Once they do get pregnant, they generally disappear. That’s not the case with male comics. Once they have a baby, they’ll get up on stage a week afterwards and they’ll be like, “Guys, I just had this fucking baby. That baby’s a little piece of shit. It’s so annoying and boring.” And all these other shitty dads in the audience are, like, “That’s hilarious. I identify.” And their fame just swells because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden. Meanwhile, the mom is at home, chapping her nipples, feeding the fucking baby, and wearing a frozen diaper ’cause her pussy needs to heal from the baby’s head shredding it up. She’s busy. So, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. You know, a lot of my female stand-up comic friends who are a lot more successful and famous than me discouraged me from having a kid. And they were like, “Ali, why are you gonna have a kid? You just gonna become– You’re gonna disappear, and you’re gonna become some lame stay-at-home mom.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s the dream.” That’s the point. This is the ultimate trap. I won, you know? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bfd367c9d8a7baa8efd0402212f7c20df431f759 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Another thing a lot of my friends said to me when they were discouraging me from having a kid, they were like, “Why are you gonna have a kid? Why don’t you just travel the world with your husband and just do whatever you want for the rest of your lives with no kid attached.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s cool… until my husband dies.” Which he’s definitely gonna before me. Because I’m a Asian woman, and therefore, guaranteed to live until I’m a billion. I’m guaranteed, like a turtle from the Galapagos, OK? We all know the phrase “black don’t crack.” Well, Asian don’t die. We don’t die. Especially the women, we live forever. And you know why we’re such bad drivers? Because we’re trying to die. We’re like, “Yeah! Let me see how invincible I really am!” “Imma make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely.” “I’m gonna make a right turn– I changed my mind, it’s a U-turn!” “I changed my mind again. It’s a O-turn!” Every time I get into a car accident… …I’m like, “Oh, my God, not again!” I need to hide my face so that everybody doesn’t see that it’s what everybody thought it was gonna be. So embarrassing. My Toyota Corolla is a mess. There’s this huge bear claw scratch on the side from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere. And then, on the hood, there’s multiple hand prints from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m still here, you know? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2c637f9b7f3e5994885b2ad8ace0e20dab1d0ee2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I need to have children to keep me company when I get older. It’s lonely. My mom is 80, going through a full blown mid-life crisis. ‘Cause she knows that she’s got a century more to go. And she is so lonely. All of her white friends, dead. Her Mexican friends, dead. Black friends, dead. I’m just kidding. She doesn’t have any black friends. Life is not Rush Hour, the movie, OK? I need children to be there for me when I’m older, when I get as old as her. And when I say be there for me, I mean pay for me when my husband isn’t around to support me anymore. I’m not trying to be one of those old Chinese ladies who recycles for a living. That’s not my destiny, OK? Old Chinese ladies, they don’t give a fuck. They got no shame. They’re like, “I’m just gonna recycle… go bald… go to the park, do this shit.” They do that ’cause it’s a free activity. For them. They do it in their– their big-ass V. Stiviano visor, their Darth Vader-Tomb Raider- Boba Fett helmet. They wear that to protect themselves from their arch-nemesis, the sun. Their in a contest to see who’s gonna burn out first. Old Asian ladies and the sun are like the Tupac and Biggie of longevity. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..02254c74d85bee33e6155b96613b1f080489ffe5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I also decided to have a kid because uh, I’m only 33, which, I know, is not technically high-risk, but my body was starting to show signs of change. And it– And it scared me. Like, I’m only 33 and… …my pussy is not as wet as it used to be. It’s very demoralizing, OK? Do you remember when you were 18 years old, and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time? All the time, you just took it for granted that you could just reach your hand down your pants at any given moment, you throw up the peace sign afterwards, and there would be that snail-trail in between your fingers. Oh, my God, it was so juicy. You could just blow a bubble wand with it, just… “I slime you, I slime you. Ghostbusters!”I don’t know what kind of mother I’m gonna be. I’m– I’m 33, and I did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant. And a lot of that… is most likely my fault. Because, when I was in my 20s, I ate Plan B like skittles. So, my uterus probably looked like a smoker’s lung. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c0632df49dd27482b54417442caf2a060df8cd5b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And I found out that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low. So, then I had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories, and Push Pop them up myself every single night. And then, at my writing job, at Fresh Off The Boat, I would be storyboarding in front of my co-workers, and then, at some point, the pill would inevitably dissolve and melt into my underwear, and I had to act like everything was OK, when everything was clearly not OK. And then, a side effect of the progesterone was that it made me extremely itchy. So, then I had to find ways to discretely scratch myself underneath the conference table, and then resist the urge to immediately smell my fingers afterwards. I want to be able to smell my fingers when I wanna smell my own goddamn fingers. Housewives, they can just scratch and sniff all day long. They just vacuum, scratch, sniff. They make a sandwich. “Uh, mmm.” They watch Property Brothers, scratch, “What’s crackin’? Mmm.” Every time you scratch yourself, all you can think about is, “When can I smell my fingers? When can I smell my fingers? When can I discretely find a way to…” “…smell my fingers?” Nature made you urgently curious to protect you, ’cause you gotta check that it’s all good in the hood. If it’s too funky, you need to see a doctor. Your fingers are your first WebMD. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e5931d8f813b0783cd32faed00c01073aee0d87a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +When my husband and I were trying to have a kid, a lot of people were like, “Oh, my God, that’s so hot. You guys doin’ a lot of fuckin’?” No, dude. That’s– That’s shit you do in your 20s, OK? When in– When you’re in your 30s, and you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while, it gets very clinical. You pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when the eggs are droppin’. It tells you when it’s Easter time. And I would only fuck him when it was Easter time. It was, like, only four days out of the month, and outside of that, I would be like, “We’re not fuckin’. I need you to save it. I want your sperm to be as pent-up, and as angry and rapey as possible. So that, when they come out, it’s like, ‘Release the Kraken!'” And they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees escaping a dictatorship, you know? And, um… yeah, and most of the time, like, we wouldn’t even have sex, ’cause I was so tired when I would come home, and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip, and I’d be like, “OK, it’s go time,” and I would just give my husband a hand job most of the time, and he would close his eyes immediately. I know what that means, OK? When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s not because they’re in such ecstasy with you that– that they need to close their eyes. When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s because they’re literally trying to shut the image of your face out of their head and instead project two Latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day on RedTube onto the back of their eyelids. Which is fine by me, because then he doesn’t have to see the expression on my face that says, “Please, hurry the fuck up.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5f04c882e1618d20cb708dc7fd2f342c12bcf46d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + And then, when he was about to finish, I could always tell because the indication is very universal when a man is about to finish. It’s when they get that… that stupid-ass look on their face… …where they look like they just got bit by a zombie, just… And then, because we’re hippies, I’d be like, “Hey, hey! Please look me in the eye and remember to come with intention, OK?” And then, I would jump on him, and hold onto his neck, and I would just twerk, twerk, twerk the shit out of him… and do some of this shit that I learned in Atlanta. And then I would turn upside down immediately afterwards… to make sure all of that Harvard nectar would just drain inside of me. That’s right. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4c445b73ab68610c3b32a72aa0b2b67799649bd7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m very grateful to be pregnant and to be… this far along, to be seven and a half months pregnant, because, last year, I had a miscarriage, which is very common. And a lot of women who are in their 20s flip out when they hear that. They’re like, “Oh, my God. That’s so dark and terrible. I can’t believe that.” I’m 33. Girl, when you’re 33, you’ll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage. It’s super common, and I wish more women would talk about it so they wouldn’t feel so bad when they go through it. When I told my mom– She’s from a third world country, and when I told her I had one, she was like, “Uh, yeah. Where I’m from, that’s like losing a pair of shoes. It’s whatevs, OK?” And everything happens for a reason. I found out at my six-week sonogram, which is very early. And the doctor says to me, “Oh, my God, I see two sacks, which means you’re having twins.” And I was like, “No!” And then she said, “But what I don’t see is a heartbeat.” And I was like, “Yes!” “The Lord is mysterious!” Don’t feel bad, OK? They were the size of poppy seeds. I’ve picked boogers larger than the twins that I lost. And most women won’t let their husbands watch when they’re going through a miscarriage. I sat my husband down in front of me while I sat on the toilet, and I was like, “You look.” “You watch the whole thing.” And he felt so bad for me. And I used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and got him to do whatever the fuck I wanted him to do for 30 days. He took me to see Beyoncé. He bought me a bike off of Craigslist. That’s my miscarriage bike, and I love it very much. For 30 days, I finally had the marriage I always wanted. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..306b479f6a209d97876707a0be0ac2297e790191 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m scared about giving childbirth, though. I’m– I’m very, very scared of childbirth. That’s why I’m going to hire a doula. You know what that is? You know what a doula is? That’s a white hippie witch… …that blows quinoa into your pussy to Keyser Söze all the pain away. A lot of women tried to freak me out. They tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying, “Ali, did you know that you’re gonna poop on the table?” I was like, “Yeah, I look forward to it.” I’m all backed up from holding in my shit at work. I can’t wait to cleanse. It makes sense, like, that you– that that happens because when you’re in labor, you push, you push, you push, and your husband will be asked to assist in the labor by lifting up your leg, which subsequently turns into a soft serve lever. You just shit on the floor in front of the love of your life. And just when you think that’s enough to make him finally leave you, boom, a baby comes out, and he gotta stay. That’s the real miracle of life, right there. I can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage, because the baby hasn’t even come out yet and I am already so resentful towards my husband. So much resentment, especially when he asks me to do shit around the house. “Hey, can you wash the dishes?” “No!” “Can you water the plants?” “I am not doing jack shit anymore. I’m busy makin’ a eyeball, OK? Are you makin’ a foot? I didn’t think so. You change the channel.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..525d20f25129d60191c353d2c678640f5c817e90 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I can already see how there’s, like, this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad. And it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom. People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments. He is so supportive.” Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments. Me! I’m the star of the show. There’s nothing for the camera to see if I’m not there. But he’s the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn. Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms seven months pregnant, I’m a bad mommy.You know, I– I– I, like, I berate my husband on, like, a daily basis. Partially because I really am mad at him. But mostly out of survival, because if he leaves me, I’m fucked. So, I have to chip away at his self-esteem on a daily basis… to keep him down so that he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of another woman’s affection and leaves me. I gotta keep him around by keeping him down. People don’t tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body when you get pregnant, you know? Your nipples get huge and dark. I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that they get dark so that the baby can see, like, a bullseye. So that the baby can find it easier. And then, you know, they get big– they get big, like fingers. Like, “You, you. You owe me money, you.” My nipples look like Whoppers now, and naked, I look like a Minion. But I’m not gonna be one of those crazy pregnant ladies who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant. No. Hopefully, if you see me in a year, I will have the kind of body where, if I do a nude scene on television, people will commend me for being courageous. For doing it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_33.txt b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_33.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..03a453e4f2d8a39aed9bf2de42a0abbf2875835f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/AW_BC_text_33.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now that I’m seven and a half months pregnant, my pussy’s all wet again. But it’s different. It’s not like when I was 18 years old, when it was like, really hot, you know? And I was like, “Why is it different?” And I looked it up, and my pussy’s all wet again because my– my body’s secreting mucus to protect the baby from bacteria attacking it. That’s not the same. When it’s straight up soldier glue, when it’s Neosporin.So, you know, I– I, in– previously, before I met my husband, I had dated a bunch of losers. And then, I meet this dream guy, who’s, like, way more handsome than me, out of my league, graduated from Harvard Business School. Worked hard to trap his ass. Got him to propose to me. Oh, my God, then we got married, all my dreams coming true, and then we got pregnant, and recently we bought our first home together. And, uh, two weeks into the escrow process, I discovered that my beautiful, Harvard-educated husband was $70,000 in debt. And me, with my hard-earned TV money, paid it all off. So, as it turns out, he’s the one who trapped me. How did he do it? How did he bamboozle me? Oh! Maybe because he went to Harvard Business School, the epicenter of white-collar crime. He Enron’d my ass. And now, if I don’t work, we die. Why else do you think I’m performing seven and a half months pregnant? All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. 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https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:916d447730685fa81c2685e60fd704090109b249d139e10583ce4ddb771a8484 +size 2173 diff --git a/data/funny_text/BB_YPAATS_audio_30.mp3 b/data/funny_text/BB_YPAATS_audio_30.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4d7b62ebf7d56364c8f1c76ac43f5967f1f6a33f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/BB_YPAATS_audio_30.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:9fcd4b82dd5c4d14b90a84da1a0f6be711965ee8780f1a24ea36d7b74539c0c8 +size 2311 diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0d5c8ba9096ecc5b16f19a0fe950ec112ef3bdd1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Thank you so much for coming out. I’m just like you guys. I’m also a huge fan of my work, and… just really excited to see what I’m gonna do up here… uh, tonight. I am one of the greats. [audience laughs] [giggles] [audience cheers and applauds] One of the top comedians touring the country right now, so it should be a great show. [softly] You’re a clown. You’re a clown. You’re a clown. I like to always get into a stand-up… like, a stand-up stance, you know? Just… I always put my arm here so you guys will be like, “Uh-oh.” [chuckles] “Looks like this comedian’s probably gonna be telling it like it is.” I like to get you in the right zone. Oh, no, I just wish I was someone else. Honestly, I do, all the time. I wish I was a guy. You know what I mean? I just want to feel what it feels like to have male confidence, like, just that feeling, like, it just seems like it must be so amazing, like… My fantasy of what it’s like to be a guy is you wake up in the morning, and your eyes open, and you’re like, “I’m awesome!” [chuckles] “People probably want to hear what I have to say!” Does that sound accurate? “I’m probably gonna do something great today.” I’m always doubting myself. I’m like, gah-ah-ah, you know? Male comedians get to have so much fun. They get to do stuff where they talk about having sex with a girl. They’ll do a joke, “Oh, I was having sex with this girl…” They’ll act it out on the stool. Be like… [grunts] “I was having sex with this girl. I was fucking this girl. I was like…” [exaggerated sexual noises] They’re like… they’ll always use the mic as their dick. They’re like… I’m always just so blown away by their creativity. I want in, you know? So, I’ve been kind of working on my own version of this classic bit… where I just passively take it from the stool. So, in my version, um, you know, I would be like, “So, I was fucking this guy…” [sighs] “Then things got a little crazy.” [audience laughs] [chuckles] That’s my take on a classic. That’s it. That’s my take. Thank you. Thanks. [audience cheers and applauds] Thank you, San Francisco \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fcc97999d8c6ae58eff800aadf07acbb2091a64c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I hate small talk. I really do. I hate, like, getting to know people. I hate all the little questions you have to ask to get to know someone. If I’m making a new friend, I just want to already be best friends. Or dating, I just want to already be deeply in love. I don’t want to have to trot through all the getting-to-know-you questions. “Oh, whereabouts do ya hail from? Where do ya hail from? I need answers!” Ugh, you know? [shrilly] “Where?” [normal voice] And then it’s like, “Oh, okay, yeah, I’ve never been to that town, but I’ve been to a nearby town, so I can kind of imagine.” [screams] I would like small talk if it were socially acceptable to make those sounds during it. [audience laughs] You’re just like, “Oh, your favorite color’s purple?” [screams] Then I would love it. I just hate that feeling when you don’t know someone, and any little thing they say, you have to stretch it out, turn it into something. They’ll be like, “Yeah, we had cats growing up. We were a cat family.” And I’ll be like, “You guys were a cat family? We were a dog family. Uh-oh, uh-oh! Controversy!” Then you find out you’re not that compatible as friends, but you still run into that random person all over town at the local smoothie shop, you know, and you have to be, like, “Oh, my God! You still exist!” They’ll always be, like, “We should do lunch!” The thing that people who hate each other do. “We should do lunch!” I always push it a little bit just to call their bluff. I’m, like, “We should rent a car and drive up the coast. Let’s buy some lumber and learn how to build. I just want to get to know you through task-based projects.” Everyone’s different, and when you don’t know each other well, you can’t read each other as well. Right? like, some people are big casual huggers. They love to hug. They come at you at a party… “Hey!” It’s annoying ’cause there’s no… I don’t really like hugging that much. like, someone I’m not that into… like, I’ll hug my lover while he’s inside me, you know? For the duration, but I’m not a big stranger hugger. I don’t really want your sweaty armpits on top of my shoulder tops. But there’s no polite way to turn it down. like if someone’s coming in… you can’t just be like, “Oh, no, thank you. I’ve already hugged someone today. Thank you.” But I kind of figured out a way that you can thwart an unwanted hug. When someone runs at you like this, you just grab their hands and you go, “Yay!”   diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..165bf18d3eb3f7be0f325b54380356f6d4f6d595 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Sometimes people will tell you, like, “If you’re… if you have social anxiety, just try to imagine people naked.” And it’s like… that sucks. That’s horrible advice. Watch this, I’ll do it. [scared scream] See? It’s too distracting. I read this woman’s magazine, and it said, “If you feel nervous at parties, here are some conversation starters.” One of the things was “wear a funky necklace.” Wear a funky necklace, and that’ll help break the ice. And I’m just like, “Why not go big?” Why not just walk into a party just dragging a dead dog? [feigns crying] You just kick the door open at a house party. Boom! [crying continues] That will get lips a-flappin’. People will be, like, “Who is that girl? How’d she get in here? How’d the dog die? Why is she wearing a cape?” [trills tongue] [audience laughs] I just got a dog. I got a rescue. – [applause] – [chuckles] Thank you. Thank you. diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d5cf404747dbca72be31a69beeba4f1cc31f5279 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I hate that when someone’s just overconfident, and it’s in direct conflict with reality. “He’s friendly, he’s friendly…” ’cause I’m so insecure I will start to just accept whatever they say. I just hate that confidence. I one time was driving on the freeway, and I saw an old man driving on the shoulder of the road, but he was going 80 miles an hour and driving so confidently that I was just like, “That’s a lane, I guess. I guess it’s a lane.” Sometimes when I get really intimidated by someone’s confidence, I have this little thing I’ll do. When they’re talking to me, I’ll interrupt them and be like, “Have you been crying?” Really works. No matter where their head is at, it really brings them right back down to earth. I feel like when girls are super-confident, walking around with confidence, most of the time it’s ’cause they think they’re hot. Most of time… “I’m hot. This is my world.” And I don’t relate to that because that’s just never been my full identity. When I was a kid, for example, the girls that I’m talking about, they were princesses for Halloween every year. They were like, “I’m a princess. I’m Pocahontas. I’m a rainbow,” you know? I realized the other day that one year as a child for Halloween, I was an old man. Okay? I had some stringy gray hair, and my dad’s old suit. I was like, “Let’s do this! I am the shit!” Everyone was like, “You’re weird.” I was a tarantula one year, okay? Just painting the scene, okay? And then me and these girls, we go off in different directions our whole lives, out into orbit, you know? And then, when your lives intersect later, it can be very strange because super-hot girls don’t understand regular girls’ lives, so they’ll give you very shitty dating advice, for example. They’ll be like, [mimicking] “Okay, he’s playing you hot and cold. Okay, all right. Let me think. Okay, Chelsea. All right, I know what you can do. Okay, just ignore him. Just ignore him for a little bit. Trust me, okay? Just ignore him, Chelsea, for a little bit.” [normal voice] It’s like, “All right, I haven’t heard from him in five months. Thanks for the hot tip.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1c97c4418e13856936c8bab553bae9a4a9258b48 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m not saying I’m ugly. I hate when female comedians are like, “I’m ugly. I’m garbage.” I’m just saying that, like, when I get super-dolled-up, the best I can hope for is someone like, “Maybe she’s a philanthropist.” [echoing] Chelsea. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to turn yourself into a punch line. You don’t have to turn all your feelings into jokes. And I don’t want to shit on hot girls either. Whatever, that’s cool. You’re beautiful, great. And there’s actually amazing things that they’re doing right now online. A lot of super-beautiful girls, they’ll… They’ll put a picture of their face online, but they’ll scrunch up their face and stick their tongue out, like… You know? And I’m always so floored by their realness. So inspiring to be so vulnerable with society. There’s also a very powerful movement going on right now on the Internet that, you know, women are kind of, coalition building in a very cool way. I’m talking about the hashtag “no makeup.” Um… You can search it if you don’t believe me, but some brave women are mustering up all their courage, and they will post a photo onto the Internet in which they are wearing no makeup whatsoever. I’m serious. But when they post the photos, they’ll always make a big announcement. In the caption, they’ll be like, [mimicking] “In the following photograph, I, Cassandra… am not wearing any makeup!” Then the whole Internet is like… [British accent] “Ooh-hoo-hoo! Oh, good lady, your bravery is unparalleled. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! We thank you, Cassandra. Please check your DMs.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a586671f4b1750212f0eb5727587d22cebfc45b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +If you really want to piss off a really hot girl, like a model-hot girl, go onto her social media, find a photo where she looks smoking hot, and you’re just a regular girl. Go onto her comments and just be like, “People say I look just like you.” [audience cheers and applauds] She’ll be like, “No!” Do you know that women Botox their armpits? This is an actual thing. It’s not to make them look youthful, you know. “Hi, everyone, same old me.” It’s actually to stop them from sweating, because why would you, you know, as a human? But the reason I know about it is I met a girl who did it, and she was like, “It worked. I did stop sweating out of my armpits, but I started sweating out of my butthole.” So, I’m… uh… Is that a good trade? like, kind of a deal with the devil. Then I’m imagining the guy that sees her out somewhere and is just like… “Oh, ho, ho, ho.” He’s like… [constricted laughter] He’s like, [surfer voice] “She is so fucking hot. Her armpits are bone-fucking-dry… just like I always dreamed of.” Then he’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” That’s him slipping on her butt sweat. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” He’s like, “I’m so drawn to you, but I can’t get near you! This is a whole new kind of juicy booty.” [audience cheers and applauds] He’s a surfer. That’s his profession. Why just because you go onto the ocean on a thingy… do you have a dialect? Why just ’cause you have an athletic skill set, do you laugh like… [constricted laughter] It’s like, “Just stop making such a tight circle with your mouth… and then more laugh sounds could get out.” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..eb4cccf0c4b97e71c8cb8529dc144b0c3f43aea6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Women lie about their age. That’s very complicated, actually, if you think about it. Lying about your age, it’s like you have to remember a different birthday, which would already be impossible for me. You have to remember the music that was popular at a time just before or after you were listening to it, I don’t even know the direction. I would always mess it up like, “I love to sock hop, I mean Tyler, The Creator. I don’t know, I’m old.” Just give up. Again, I feel like if you’re gonna create this whole alternate reality, do something cool with it, like walk into a cafe by your house and just be like… “Huh.” [chuckles] “My God. I haven’t been here in 128 years. Ain’t nothing changed. My God.” Your friends are like, “What? How fucking old are you?” And then you get to be like… [smug chuckling] Uh-uh-uh… Do you guys think it’s worse to wear a Fedora or kill 15 people? Be honest. Sometimes masculinity is so silly. Just the idea that because you’re born a guy, you have to be like, “I’m tough. I’m tough. I’m putting my foot down. I’m tough.” When you guys stomp, do your balls wiggle? Are you like, “I said no!” [trills] It’d take some of the intimidation out of it. And it’s like girls have reputations for being into the dumbest stuff, like purses, shoes, or whatever. What are guys into? Also stupid stuff, like architecture, literature, politics. Motorcycles. Motorcycles are very silly to me. I feel like, why not just unzip your pants, and pull your balls out, and then just walk around town banging pots and pans, just like… like that’s a DIY motorcycle. Everyone’s like, “Oh, okay, he’s a guy.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0471dff042bdb141431d5038e6f8bdcca1601547 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Men love Daniel Day-Lewis. That’s a real obsession. They love him, right? It’s like, I don’t fully… I’ve sat beside multiple guys in Daniel Day-Lewis movies where they’re just crying silently the whole movie, and I’m like, like, to me it’s like I’m watching a poem for men. I don’t understand it fully. To me, every movie he’s in he’s just like, “You are my son!” Like, that was a dead-on impression. I feel like men, they connect with it ’cause it’s like a male fantasy. They’re like, “What if I was that masculine? What if I had greasy black hair, and I was incoherent?” You know? It’s like the Marlboro Man. It’s the same reason that men love Breaking Bad. They love that show because it’s a fantasy. You’re like, “Oh, if I got cancer, I could probably rule the ghetto.” It’s like, “No, you’d probably just die of cancer. Similar.” [giggles] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f67da0e9aaccec7b0cfb958c0dd8dd14ad28f5c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I just wish that we didn’t always have to live out our fantasies through TV and movies. I wish we could have a little more of our real feelings and fantasies in our day-to-day life, and we didn’t always have to be like, “How are you?” “I’m good, thank you.” Like… I always want to just go to one of my friends’ houses when I know they’re home, and just throw a brick through the window. Hear me out. Just for that moment where there’s that shattered glass hole, to see my friend’s head pop into it. like this. And then I’m on the other side like, “JK! Just kidding.” Just, like, shake it up a little bit. Or when people are standing outside of a movie theater, and after the movie, kinda talking or whatever, I always wanna go up to them and be like, [shrill voice] “Guys, we do need to keep this area clear, okay?” [normal voice] ‘Cause I feel like they’d be like, “All right. That’s that awful voice we listen to.” I hate that. How does that voice count as polite? [shrill voice] “Okay, guys! We do need…” It’s like you have so much hatred in your voice. Just ’cause you’re smiling, that shouldn’t count as polite. You should have to use the word “bitches” in every sentence if you have that much hate in your voice. Just like, “Okay, bitches, we do need to keep this area clear. Thank you, bitches.” [audience laughs] diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cf9a50cdfbd9d7ad9f0424838f10468802a888e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was on another flight that had an emergency landing. That was terrifying. Here’s how that goes down, if you’ve never lived through it. There’s a little PA announcement, they’re like… [imitates ding] “Are there any doctors on the flight? Are there any doctors on the flight? Please come to the front of the aircraft.” And then you see a few people start walking down the aisle, and you’re like, “Oh, they must be doctors.” Then you hear, “We’re good on nurses.” That’s borderline disrespectful… to the entire nursing industry. Pretty soon they’re just like, “Anybody want to see a dead body?” Anyway, it’s cool. It sucks that we can’t just walk everywhere. I wish we could walk everywhere. We’re so dependent on so many technologies, you know what I mean? Look… [chuckles] case in point. [giggles shrilly] Are you guys silly? [audience laughs] [Chelsea giggles] I’m, like… at this point, I’m so addicted to so many different websites, and apps, and things. I’m honestly thankful when I’m in the shower. You know what I mean? Just the relief of not refreshing anything for… You know, aside from the obvious nooks and crannies. [audience laughs] Cricks and cracks \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..086bbb8da49e3e8dbd2af84566e72be5954a1209 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +But there is some really cool stuff that we get to experience in this day and age that our grandparents never got to experience… like that feeling you get when one of your friends leaves their phone or their laptop unattended, and they do not have a password on it, like a dummy. My friend did this recently, and I saw his phone, and I was like… [gasps] I was filled with adrenaline. It’s what I imagine hunting and gathering felt like. I was just like… [gasps] “But this could sustain my spirit for two weeks!” I went onto his phone. I was just like… went onto Twitter. I’m like, “My dick hurts.” Then I was just like… [humming triumphant tune] I went onto Facebook. I was like, “My dick hurts.” [chuckles] ‘Cause I wanted it to be cross-platform, you know? I didn’t know if they were linked. And then I got to sit there and watch the comments roll in… People just like, “Dude, what’s up with your dick? We’re worried about you.” Our grandparents never got to do that. Do you guys think that omments… Internet comments are a good thing, pushing society in an even better and greater direction? It’s a leading question. It’s just weird that any news story that goes online, it’s like any shithead can just write [grunts] “Here’s my thoughts.” I wonder how is that gonna affect our society? How is it gonna shape things? I think about a young comedian starting now, anything they do is gonna go online, and it’s gonna be a million people at every stage of their development, giving them instant feedback. How’s that gonna affect their artistic journey? Imagine if some of the great minds of the past had been around during comment culture. If Einstein had been a young scientist, you know, maybe he would have posted a little theorem up on some science website, you know, just like, “E equals… I’m not sure yet.” You know. And then the first comment would have been like, “What’s up, Jew-fro?! You Jew-ass bitch! Jew, Jew, Jew, bitch, Jew, bitch, Jew.” Einstein would have just been like, “Oh, I’m not gonna do science anymore. It’s too hurtful.” Just pack up his little beakers and hit the road. Maybe get a job at Kiehl’s. [giggles] Did he use beakers? I don’t know. like, what did he do? He invented wing sauce?  + + diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..49e9f9b7637c0d5d59776d8557818b7e5b7e5e3d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Sometimes you’re just gonna see shitty stuff online… like my friends in… who are also entertainers, they’ll be like, “Don’t search yourself. It’s all shitty stuff. That’s just what the Internet is, and blah-blah-blah.” But sometimes I have to do it. Sometimes I just… ’cause it’s my version of cutting. Like I just… I need to feel something sometimes. And one time I did, and I found this caricature that someone had drawn of me, and I don’t know if you can imagine what feature they may have exaggerated, but it wasn’t my big heart. I’m looking at it and I’m just like, “You know what?” And I got in the comments. I was just like, “Hey, I hope you and everyone who liked this dies.” And, uh, the artist got back to me really quickly, and he was like, [French accent] “I don’t understand. How could you say such a thing?” like he wasn’t French, but that was his energy. I’m like, “All right, take it down a notch. You’re definitely at a state fair right now.” Not to be a dick, but I’m just saying, is that really art? Can you call it art if someone can guess what you’re gonna do every single time you set pen to paper? like, no one’s going, “Oh, what’s he gonna do with this girl with the buck teeth? It’s a real wait-and-see.” Being a caricature artist, that’s basically like, “Did you hear about the school bully? Yeah, he’s an artist now. Yeah, he’s turned a new leaf, kind of.” And the guy was like, “You’re not that nice, either. You said you hope we all die.” I’m like, “All right, fair point. I hope you live forever as a caricature artist.” [chuckles] “That is my wish.” – Do you guys text and drive? – [audience whoops] [sighs] It’s really hard not to. That’s another thing. It’s like, we have this technology. It’s so hard not to use it, right? If you’re driving to brunch to meet your friend, it’s a 40-minute drive, you get a text from that friend, you see it, you’re not gonna be like, “I’ll just wait till I get there to see if brunch is canceled.” It’s like… it’s hard not to. And then you have those texting and driving PSAs that are fucking terrifying, right? They’re like, “This is the last thing Johnny ever texted before he crashed and died,” you know. And then it’s like, “‘Sup?!” And it’s like, “Was it worth it?” It’s like, “Oh, my God, no. No, it wasn’t.” Nothing we ever text is worth dying over.  diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c8668ff4ef51ce0818ca59b4c8cbaba073918cff --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t like to talk about who I’m seeing because he’s also in entertainment, but like, first name, Denzel, and he’s… He’s really cool, you know? He’s good to me. I don’t know. I’m just glad… I’m glad I’m not on the market anymore. I love it ’cause I remember talking to people, and just like… this one guy would be like getting to know me, and he’s like, “Do you consider yourself to be a positive or a negative person?” I’m like, “Oh, you stumped me,” you know? “I’m gonna go negative because I hate the question so much.” And then, there are just so many little things that will turn me off with someone, just the littlest thing. I remember that guy smiling at one point, and I could hear his smile. like he smiled, it was like… [tinks] [laughs] I was like, “Ah!” like, “Drink water! Please drink a beverage!” That shouldn’t be happening. That’s a medical problem. I shouldn’t be able to hear it when you smile. I definitely shouldn’t be able to have my back to you and be like, “Whoa”… “What are you smiling about, ya silly Billy?” Or someone just rolling a paint roller… in a tray that has about one to two drops of paint in it. Which is it? Yeah, there’s a lot of weird kinds of guys now, like there’s new genres of guys, I feel like. I’m not sure I’m into the “sensitive guy” thing that’s happening, you know, the kind of guys that are wearing these exact pants. You know, like they walk into your coffee shop… and they’re wearing a ratty cardigan and tortoiseshell spectacles, and you’re just like, “Oh, good afternoon, Professor 20-year-old.” You know? I’m not sure I’m into that. I feel like for me to see a guy be super-sensitive and find that attractive… like to see a guy cry and find it hot, the way he’d have to cry is just like… He can’t even put his arms down ’cause he’s so jacked. And the way he cries is just like… [goofy crying] like he’s almost confused by what feelings are. “What’s happening to my face? Why’d I kill so many bears?” That’s the kind of stuff he’s up to. Like Channing Tatum, you know? Ronnie from Jersey Shore, Channing Tatum, that’s my… [sighs] diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2aa13d8b92f58ed5cd9d58224bcf07f95ea56a2d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Do you guys know that it’s illegal to make jokes about the Holocaust in Germany? Isn’t that funny? Like, to me, that’s such a fascist approach to anti-Semitism. It’s like, “You guys have learned nothing. What are you doing? Hit the books.” I always wanted to be… Tolerance books. I always wanted to be in one of those Holocaust movies where it’s like there’s the beautiful Jewess who can pass for German. And I want to play her. So, it’s just me with my exact face, but in a blonde wig. And I’m just walking around, hanging out with Hitler and his friends, and like, I see a Jew. I’m like, “Shh!” [giggles] They’re like, “What?” Everyone watching the movie is like, “This is miscast. I’m furious.” “Shh.” I was talking to my friend, and he was like, “Hitler was a good speaker.” I’m like, “What are you doing right now?” Like, do you think Hitler’s ghost is sad somewhere like, [whiny voice] “Did I do anything right? Wah… I feel like a failure.” You’re throwing him a bone like, “Here you go, Hitsy.” You know? It’s like, of course he was a good speaker. That’s part of being a dictator and creating a genocide environment. You can’t just walk out like… [constricted laughter] [surfer voice] “All right, you guys. What we’re gonna do, depending on the vibe… is grab a gypsy if you feel like it. Blue-sky thinking, but maybe kill all Jews. I don’t know. Feel it out.” Everyone would be leaving… Just like, “Mmm, Hitler, you suck.” Just tearing off their armband like it’s a shitty music festival. Why are old maps always burnt? Have you ever noticed that like every map you see from the olden times is always burnt all around the edges and in the middle? Where did they used to store their maps at? They’re like, “This is our cooking pit slash map storage unit.” [baby voice] You guys know what I’m talking about, – don’t you? – [barks] Don’t you know? Don’t you know? So, yeah, I’m in love. I’m in love. Just trying to keep leading you guys back to being okay with that, ’cause when I said it the first time, you’re like… diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6cf8dd463de6121f5be34717c4c0e45c8d7c0043 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I feel like marriage needs re-branding. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, [shrill voice] “We’re married. This is a marriage. I’m his wife, and he is my husband. Wife, husband, marriage.” [normal voice] I just feel like… I like the idea of soul mates, like being together forever, or like Bonnie and Clyde, like, kill people and die, you know? But I don’t know about marriage. The only really cool example I have is my grandparents. They were married 50 years, okay? They had this beautiful marriage. They worked their way up from nothing, they built their dream house, they had a garden together. She grew roses, he grew vegetables. It’s a beautiful marriage. And then I always tried to ask her questions about it to get some insight, like how can I have that kind of longevity and that compatibility, you know. And my grandmother will tell this story where she’s just like, “Well, the day we got married… Grandpa was driving away from the church, and I remember looking at his hand on the wheel, and thinking, ‘I don’t know this man.'” I’m like, what? That’s the story you’re passing down to the next generation? What am I supposed to do with that? Just marry a stranger? Also that’s a pretty shitty story. It has no beginning, middle, or end. It’s just, you were looking at an arm. But she’s told it to me like 25 times. “I don’t know this man.” I’m like, “What is happening?” And they had this great marriage, and then it’s like, okay… then he passed away. So now, even though they had this long, great marriage, now she kind of wanders around her house… she’s like, “Well, guess I better go turn that light off. diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a8795715742da12fa4bc6a82768f8e98512e9134 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +My dad’s Italian and my mom’s Jewish, then he was married to a black woman from when I was one until I left home. Now he’s married to an Indian woman for his golden years, so it’s really been just a whirlwind of scents, and spices, and silks, and colors. It’s been like some sort of a strange foreign exchange program that just kind of revolves around my father’s penis. My black stepmother, which is what we used to call her… She used to do my hair when I was a little girl, and she would always call me tender-headed. She’d be like, “Chelsea, stop moving! You are so tender-headed!” I’d be like, “Well, I’m really just more of a white person. We kind of have a two-barrette maximum… on what we’re up to with barrettes. Please stop sending me to school looking like Katt Williams. I’d like to do an impression of my dad, but I don’t have a newspaper and five hours to spare. I was so excited when this show was put in The Chronicle, ’cause I was like, “He will have to acknowledge my existence.” Don’t feel sad. Don’t be sad. Um… I’m always looking for just examples of happily married people… You know, just to see someone like, “Oh, that looks awesome.” like, looking for clues in society all the time, and how do people make it work and be fun. like, I’ll watch the “housewives” reality shows, um… just looking for a morsel of inspiration. I remember when those shows first started airing, like 18 years ago, I remember being like, “Oh, my God.” I forgot being a housewife was still an option for women. I was like, “Fuck, I should have done that!” I took a wrong turn. That is so awesome. Someone else works and then you do not work? Like, why did women ever stop doing that on any level? Why did we phase that out? Just out of dignity? I’m not trying to be rude. If any of you guys are housewives, I’m sure it’s a lot of work, but… [audience cheers and applauds] “You should be paid a wage.” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a7ce6ad4040a76a342e8e23af540b2d99ed0b648 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +A friend of a friend just posted like 500 engagement photos on Facebook. It was a photoset of 500 photos. I’m not exaggerating. It’s like that wedding portraiture, where it’s just like, two assholes back to back in the woods, just like… [laughing shrilly] “To the future!” I’m just obsessed with the entire photoset. I’m just like, “Next, next, next, next, more, more, more, more.” Every photo, they were just like… [giggles shrilly] “Uh-oh, it’s us again.” [trills] This same girl on Facebook, all her posts and all her updates are about her husband. That’s all she seems to write or think about, but she doesn’t call him her husband, which would be awesome, and she doesn’t call him by his name, which would also be great. She calls him by a word that I really feel is one of the more disgusting words in the English language. She calls him her “hubby,” which, to me is on par with the “N” word. Like let’s… Let’s eradicate both. All her updates, she’s just like, “My hubby made breakfast. My hubby fixed the door. My hubby is sleeping. He breathed in, he breathed out. He breathed in, he breathed out.” I just keep waiting for the day where she is like, “My hubby shot himself in the face! His letter said he missed his name… which I just found out is Steven. Missing my hub like a mug.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7b910455c7c5414e7e3561ca33e8d24d69801d75 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +You have to be so patient to be a parent, you know? My friend, her kid… We were in the park hanging out, and her kid tangled up his kite string, and she’s sitting there with it for 40 minutes like, “Okay, baby, I got it. Over and under. It’s okay, baby. I got it.” And he’s just watching, like… And I’m watching this whole operation, and thinking if that was me, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, we have to throw away your kite! Oh, you loved it. Aw…” [chuckles] [nasally voice] “That is awful. I feel so bad.” [normal voice] I just want a life that has passion. I don’t know. [sighs] I just want excitement. I want to be a good person. I want to be a good adult, have a solid life, but I also want passion and unpredictability. Not like Jodi Arias level, but like something. Are you guys following that… The Jodi Arias? [scattered applause] Cool. [giggles] Me too. Me too. How crazy, we have that in common. Um, no… it’s an interesting one, right? First of all, it’s like, you know, she’s a woman, and murder is mostly a man’s game, so it’s like she kind of broke a glass ceiling in a way. It’s like… I don’t know. Feminism is so complicated. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c016740ffc407e4ca6f2e3dcdb356c4197bc31b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Well, congratulations, guys, on you all just coming out of your houses tonight. That’s so hard to do, isn’t it? [applause] So hard. I hate leaving my house. I’m always amazed when people do it. I’m the happiest when I’m just on my couch, under my blankets, just all cozied up with just my laptop, and my iPhone, and my iPad, and my pee jars everywhere. Just playing bongos on my pee jars. Happy as a clam in my little kingdom. Do you ever do one chore, and then celebrate that for ten years? Or you have a pile of dirty dishes in the sink in the next room, and you hear water, one drop drop into it, just like, “Bloop.” And you’re like, “I know!” That’s my kind of household, but I love it. Sometimes I feel like if these walls could talk, they’d be like, “Bitch, you’re back in bed again?” I’d be like, “Shut up, walls! You’re boring, too.” [chuckling] I do hate it. I hate leaving my house ’cause I have to pee constantly, and I hate asking people… I hate asking people, [nasally] “May I use your restroom?” I hate that, like, [shrilly] “Please, may I?” [normal voice] It’s just so humiliating to ask a business to use their restroom. And I pee all the time. I told my friend that. I’m like, “I pee all the time,” and he’s like, “You’re a frequent urinator?” I’m like, “Um, don’t put a medical flair to it. I pee a lot, okay?” And he’s like, “Is it sticky pee? like, is it like syrup?” I’m like, “No, motherfucker.” How crazy would I have to be that I have sticky pee, and I’m just walking the earth… like I’m just like, “Uh-huh. Yeah, I do, I have sticky pee. Why, what’s up? What’s up? What’s up? What is it? What’s on your mind? What’s the deal? My pee… yeah, it’s like molasses, why? Why do you ask?  diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..63249e8d130c407c323143406c64e6eaf640d177 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Do you guys ever fantasize about having a job other than your own shitty job? like, for me, I do it all the time. For me, what my fantasy job is… is to be a florist. I really feel in my heart of hearts, if I was a florist, I would be happy all the time. It would just be 24/7 nirvana, and I would always have my hair just kind of loosely piled on my head, you know, with just some chopsticks through it, and just long skirts and bangle bracelets, just like… [imitates clinking] And then I would talk to all my customers just really soothing, like, [quietly] “Let me put some extra baby’s breath in there for you.” [giggles] It actually calms me just to pretend to be a florist. “Okay, these will look really nice. That’ll fill that in really nicely for you. There you go. And I’ll put a little ribbon on it. [indistinct] I think that would be really nice.” It makes me feel so good, I should do this every night. “All right, there you go.” And then I feel like, in my fantasy, all my customers would be really handsome male architects ’cause that’s like the perfect guy job, and when I was done making the bouquet, they’d take it and turn it around and be like, “It’s actually for you.” You know, that’s my fantasy of what it’s like to work in the floral industry. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4f35fa07c10f03116fc7d00fa7e96f4a04bb7750 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +No, I do love stand-up. I think it’s just cool that you get to say your feelings, and it’s this completely unmoderated experience. like any song you’ve heard, that’s the same thing. That’s just that songwriter’s point of view on what was happening. I always have that Michael Bolton song stuck in my head, where it’s like… ♪ How can we be lovers If we can’t be friends? ♪ ♪ How can we start over When the fight never ends? ♪ ♪ Oh, baby, how can we? ♪ Anyway, yes, yes, it’s a great song. We all love it. [chuckles] I think we can agree. But that’s just maybe Michael Bolton’s take on whatever was going on in that relationship with that girl that he was singing about. Maybe that wasn’t her issue with Michael Bolton at that time at all. like, maybe her song to him would have just been like… ♪ Your hair kind of hit me In the face when we fucked ♪ ♪ I just didn’t like it That was more my issue ♪ [audience laughs] That’s so funny how you know every word to a song, and then, it’s like, maybe ten years in, you realize what it’s actually about. You realize the lyrics, what they’re actually meaning, you’re like, “Oh!” You know? I was thinking about that Dr. Dre song from the ’90s, where it’s like… ♪ Bitches ain’t shit But hoes and tricks ♪ I’m like, “If you actually look within the lyrics… that song is actually not that complimentary to females.” [laughs hysterically] You guys have been really cool. You know, uh… have you? I don’t know. Um… [chuckles] diff --git a/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cb85b7efecf52bc7f71502d84897f72f4934127b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/CP_OTG_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Sometimes when I do interviews, which is constantly, people will ask me, you know, “You’re a woman and you do comedy. Question mark.” like, that’s the whole question. And I never know what to give them, what they want. I don’t know how to describe what it’s like. The best I can do is like, you’re up on stage, and you’re telling jokes, and the whole time, in between your legs, you have a pussy. Sometimes the jokes are going great, you still have one. Other times they’re going… ugh… you still have that same set of genitals. It’s like it’s haunting your every move… no matter what ideas you might be expressing. It’s creepy. like, watch… [grunts] still there. So scary. It is weird being a female comedian ’cause you do hear people talking shit all the time. like, “Fucking female comedians, dude, they fucking suck. All they do is talk about their fucking period, man. Fuck that shit. I have discerning taste. I like fart jokes mostly.” [chuckles] Or whatever their taste may be. But it just annoys me ’cause I have never… just because of that, I’ve never talked about my period the whole time I’ve done stand-up ’cause I don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction. But what annoys me is just on principle, because I guarantee you, if guys got their period, all right? Just make that jump. If guys got their period, there’s no way a male comedian would be standing on stage right now bleeding out of his dick, okay? Just like bleeding, and he’s just like, “I’m not gonna talk about it. I’m not gonna do it. It would be déclassé. I don’t want to disrespect comedy like that. I said no.” You know? If guys got their period, 90% of stand-up comedy would just be people running around like, “I was bleeding out of my dick! What the fuck?! Drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop!”Thank you guys very much. diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..397e22a66be0bea6608ec247a4c7f46dc39f202b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +This is so great. How many of you guys know me from my show, “Community”?(Cheers and applause)Great. Just want to let you guys know, this is gonna be nothing like that. This is gonna be a lot grosser. I feel bad… I feel bad for a lot of people who come to the show, like, people bring their kids and stuff like that. Like, “Oh, he’s gonna do Troy and Abed!” And I’m just like, “D!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks!” And they’re» “Let’s go!” I mean, ’cause I did… I can be gross sometimes and I know it’s bad. I mean, ’cause I did a half-hour special for Comedy Central, and the way I got that half-hour special was I did an hour in New York. I did an hour on my own and Comedy Central was there, and they were like, “We really liked your hour.” I was like, “Oh, thank you, man, that was really great.” They were like, “We would love to give you a half-hour.” I was like, “Great, I would love to do a half-hour.” They’re like, “Great, but don’t do any of the shit “you did in that hour. It was disgusting, don’t do it.”Did you guys hear about that Spider-Man thing that happened with me?(Cheers and applause) +Okay, for those of you who have a life, basically what happened was there was… They were talking about on this geek blog, about making Spider-Man, you know, they’re redoing it. So they said that maybe this new Spider-Man, since they’re making it so quickly after making these other Spider-Mans, maybe they should make it real different, you know, make it kind of, like, dark and edgy like The Dark Knight, and put it in modern-day times and stuff, and maybe… You know, Spider-Man maybe doesn’t have to be white, maybe he can be black or Hispanic or something like that, and then somebody put a big picture of me in the comments and was like, “Donald Glover can play Spider-Man, he’s nerdy!” And I was like, okay. And somebody sent that to me so I was like, “Oh yeah, I’ll put that up.” So I put it up on my Twitter and I was like, Oh, Donald for Spider-Man, let’s do this. You know, kind of a joke, but also, like, who doesn’t want to be Spider-Man… That’d be cool. And that’s when the world went crazy. And half the world was like, “Donald for Spider-Man! “We’re only gonna watch the next Spider-Man if Donald Glover’s playing Peter Parker!” And the other half was like, “He’s black, kill him!” Like, it was so fast. It was so fast. It was insane, like, you were either very hot or cold on the subject, and I didn’t… I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything during that whole time, I just laid low, but I did read one comment that was like, “Oh, we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? “We’re just gonna make Spider-Man black now? “That’s what we’re gonna do, “we’re just gonna make Spider-Man black? “That’s what we’re gonna do, “we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? “Gonna make Spider-Man black?Well, why don’t we just have Michael Cera play Shaft?” + + diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..556a013036bb256b33102692a4000a183a61bd66 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I just like…I was just doing some stuff with, like, music, and I just put out that EP, and I was like…(Cheers and applause)Thank you. And I was listening to it in my car, I picked up… Like, it was in the mixing, and I was like, oh, I want to see how it sounds in the car and I picked up a friend of mine, she got in. And she was like, “Is this you?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And she goes, “You listen to your own music?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah, I listen to my own music.” Like, being a… being an entertainer… Being an entertainer is the only job where you can enjoy your own stuff. Did you know that? It’s the only job where you can enjoy your own shit. Like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like if I worked at Subway or something, I make sandwiches for a living, and then I go home and I make myself a sandwich, nobody in here is gonna be like, getting a little conceited, aren’t we? Like, no one cares, no one cares. It’s also the only job where you have to keep proving you can do it. Like, you can… You have to keep like… Like, if you work at Staples, you don’t have to be like, “Oh yeah, I know how to move paper from here to here.” Like, you don’t have to do that every time you go in. As an actor, I have to prove I know how to act every time I have to audition and prove I know how to act like I’m just gonna forget how to act one day. Like, I just won’t know. Like, I’ll come back from summer break, go to “Community,” and they’re gonna be like, “Okay, and action!” And I’ll just be like… “What are you doing?” “I don’t know! Is this acting? Help, help!” + + diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..716d5d67bb330e95315055c3f10487be9a5c3e56 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But like, I was talking about music. I like music a ton, but the problem is, is like, I like weird stuff. I like weird, crazy music, like, weird people making music, and we really don’t have that anymore. Like, you know, we got Lady Gaga and stuff like that, but that’s… I don’t think that’s really weird. I feel like that’s planned, like, I don’t… We need weird stuff. But as an adult, we’re not really allowed to be weird anymore. Like, the older you get, the less you can take weird stuff. That’s the truth. Like, you can’t take weird stuff anymore. Like, as a kid, the idea of Santa Claus is really weird and fucked up. It really is, but you’re… Like for some… Just like, “Hey, there’s this fat guy “that comes in your house, eats all your food, “and he leaves little gifts for you and while your parents are sleeping, he runs up the chimney.” You’re like, “He gives me gifts… cool.” You’re just fine with it. You’re fine with that guy being in your house. As an adult, somebody’s like, “Hey man, ‘Glee’ comes on at 9:00 instead of 8:00 tonight.” You’re like, “Fuck you, really? “Why’d they change it? Why’d they change it?” Can’t take any change whatsoever. diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..74ccf165ffe6f7bd23acce86b81d1d887fcec6b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +But that’s basically what it is, is like, you know, I’m 27, like, I’m about to become who I’m gonna be for the rest of my life. Like, basically, once you hit around your 30s, that’s who you’re gonna be for the rest of your life pretty much. Like, if you’re conservative and you’re around your 30s, you’re probably gonna be conservative for the rest of your life. If you’re like, liberal, and you’re like, in your 30s, you’re probably gonna be liberal for the rest of your life. You know, if you’re a girl and you don’t give blowjobs, curl up to your nine cats and your “Twilight” DVDs, ’cause you’re gonna die alone. You’re gonna die alone. Sorry. I love that joke because guys are always like, “Well put, Mr. Glover.” But it’s true, like you can’t take any… Like, as you get older, you can’t take any weird stuff, that’s just the truth. Like I know… That Lady Gaga! Kanye West tour. I was super stoked about that. That was gonna be so awesome and weird, it’s gonna be so crazy. I was having dreams about it, that’s how much I was excited about it. I was having dreams about it. I was like, there’s gonna be, like, two big pillars on stage, like, one big pillar here, like, Lady Gaga’s there and her hair’s, like, blowing in the wind and she’s playing the bass, like this, going… like a huge bass, but the bass isn’t a bass, it’s just a huge tampon, she’s playing a huge… She’s just plucking at a huge tampon. And at the end of it is Tony Danza’s face. He’s just like… He’s just going, like, crazy on there. And then, like, there’s another one, there’s like, another huge pillar, and then, like, Kanye West is on it, he’s playing a piano, but the piano’s not a piano, it’s just a bear, it’s a live bear. For some reason, he’s playing… And the bear’s not eating Kanye ’cause he has so much respect for him, he’s just, like, looking at him. He’s just like, “Oh, I want to eat you, “but you made ‘Graduation! You motherfucker!” He’s like, mad. And then, like, in the audience, there’s like, a big, clear beach ball that everybody’s pushing and kicking around, and in the center of the big clear beach ball’s just this one lone baby, just like, one lone, naked baby, and he’s not crying or anything, he’s just confused and shit. He’s like, why did my parents put me in here? I’m… I thought they loved me! And I was like, yes, that’s worth $50. I wanna see that. And they canceled it. They got rid of it. They were like, it’s too weird, it’s gay, I don’t get it, get rid of it. That hit home for someone. “It’s funny ’cause it’s true!”  + diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..699ac30c387877ac4db68293722736430d927bcd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m kind of obsessed with homeless people. I really am. Because, I don’t know, we have a long history together. We do, we have a long history together. Like, when I first moved here, when I first moved here from Atlanta, like, the only thing I knew how to do to make money was to babysit, ’cause my parents, like, they ran a day care, we had a lot of foster kids, so the only thing I really knew how to do was take care of kids. So I had this job, I was supposed to pick up this kid and I was running late and I was leaving a message on the phone, and I was like, you know, talking, and I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going. And a homeless man… punched me in the face. And I think he was like, schizophrenic or something, ’cause he was like, “Stop following me!” And I was just like… Just ran away. So anyway, I go and pick up the kid, I pick him up, bring him home, make him dinner. His mom comes home, she’s like, “Hey.” She goes in the back room, she comes back out and she goes, “Hey, are you okay?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m fine, I kind of forgot…” She’s like, “Are you sure?” And I’m like, “Yeah, what’s wrong?” And she plays me the voice message I left. And I didn’t keep it, but I remember it very well, and it went a little something… It went like this. Boop. “Hey, it’s Donald, I just wanted to let you know that “I’m running a little bit late picking up Ben, but I just wanted to let you know…” (screaming) “What’d you do? “What’d you do? I gotta hide!” (panting) “I’ll hide in this tree! “Get away! “Get away! Leave me alone!” (sobbing) “I want to die, I want to die.” That’s pretty much how it sounded. So- diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ec07cadcf78e43150f5ada4ecfa287e3b7c4b1d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So I’ve had a lot of run-ins with, you know, like, homeless people and stuff like that. And you know, I lived in Downtown LA, and Downtown LA is kind of like the ’80s decided to stay there. They’re like, oh, yeah, you guys go ahead and be the ’90s, go enjoy Ace of Base. We’ll be here, practicing the Moonwalk and selling crack. Like, that’s everything in Downtown LA. And I… You know, I’m hanging out in Downtown LA and I would always have… You know, I would have, like, parties or something or watch movies and stuff like that and I’d have girls over and I’d always had to walk them back to their car. Like, they ask me, like, can you walk me back? And I’m like, sure. And around the seventh time, I was like, wow, every girl who comes over asks me to walk them back to their car, like, no matter what time. And like, I realized, I was like, Oh, they’re afraid they’re gonna get attacked or raped or something, and I was like, oh, my God, like, that’s ridiculous. Like, as a grown man, I never think of that, like, that’s never in my head. Like, oh, will I get… Like, rape isn’t right around the corner for me like it is for women, which is so messed up. Like if someone… Like, I’m an adult male, I’m a grown man. Like, if someone was gonna rape me, like, someone’s gonna attack me and rape me, like, they had to be, like… Like, real tricky about it, you know? Like, real tricky. Like, I’d be, like, going in the movie theater, I got my popcorn, you know. About to go see, like, a movie with a bunch of explosions in it. Just like, “Hey, what’s going on? “Sorry, man, sorry. “Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just trying to get through. “It’s The Expendables. “Sorry, excuse me, trying… “Sorry, all right. Ah!” And then I see, like… Then I see, like, a man dressed like a chair running away. Goddammit! “What up, man?” “Nothing… I got raped again, man.” “Can you believe this? No, I don’t want to watch Expendables anymore.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..66b30d7c412b71ec1f794793a37180deff127f43 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was hanging out in my neighborhood and this girl was jogging and we started talking about a rape that had happened in the neighborhood, and we were talking about… “Oh, this is awful, this is so messed up. I can’t believe this happened so close to us.” And she goes, “Yeah, well, “if anybody ever tries to rape me, I’m just gonna shit on ’em.” “Yes, I will. I have no problem.” Uh… Two things, lady. Number one, he’s a rapist. So his tolerance for gross stuff is probably pretty high. It’s probably pretty high. Number two… you can shit on command? Like, you can just… You can just poop whenever you want to? Just be like… Hyah! He’s like, “Oh God, no!” Like… You can poop whenever you want? Like, you got… You’re a national treasure. Like, you can… You got more superpowers than Shaft if you can poop whenever you want. That’s amazing, okay? No, I can’t poop whenever I want. Somebody can run down… down the stage right now and pull out a gun and be like, “Shit yourself! Poop yourself right now!” I’d be like, “Blow my head off.” I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I’m not… Me and my butt are, like, always on the third date, I feel like. I feel like, me, I’m always like, come on, let’s… hurry up, let’s do this. And my butt’s always like, stop rushing me, when the time is right. I’m not in love yet. That was me in a domestic dispute with my… with my butt. diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..08ef3c1ab79d2cf1df822ef0554fa290acbdc0ce --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But with all this, like, crazy stuff going on, with like, you know, rapes and, like, earthquakes and all this… I know, I put, like, rapes and earthquakes in the same category. Like if my sister was like, “I got raped yesterday,” I’d be like, “Did you hear about that earthquake? “It was like a 4.5. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough.” They’re not the same thing. But with all this crazy stuff going on, people feel like it’s the end of the world. Like, people just… People talk about… Like, people say this is the worst time. I was talking to my dad the other day and he was like, “Oh man, things are so bad, man. “Things are so bad out here, I’m sorry, I just like… “It feels like this is the worst time to be alive, man. “This is the worst time to be alive. “I’m sorry, son. It’s the worst time to be alive.” And that’s bullshit. That’s crap, that is total crap. This is the best time to be alive ever. This is the best time there has ever been to be human and alive. That’s the truth. (Cheers and applause) It’s the absolute truth. Do you realize, like, just a couple hundred years ago, just a couple hundred years ago, people could come into your village, your community, whatever you want to call it, people could come in there, just a bunch of them, kill you, rape your wife, sell your kids into slavery and people would be like, “Well, what’d you expect?” “It’s nighttime.” “My hands were tied, the sun went down.”You couldn’t get away with that stuff now. Somebody would Twitter that shit, it would be everywhere. Be like, “Someone killed my mom “and sold me and my brother to Greece. W-T-F?” It would be everywhere.  diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..12f26ec9184c8702f051e21332027df43bd5f468 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +People say the same stuff about rap music. People are just like, “Oh, rap music now, oh, it sucks so bad. “Rap music now sucks. “Now, back in the day, that was the good rap music. “That was where the good rap music was at. “I’m gonna walk around with my… Yeah, that’s the good rap music.” No, it’s not. Have you ever listened to rap back in the day? It’s always some dude being like: Well I went to the hat store today And I bought myself a hat Ha-ha-ha-ha! It’s like, “N*gga… N*gga, I don’t want to hear your hat stories.” So lame. You know, I think people don’t like rap nowadays ’cause they say it has, like a bad influence on kids, they have, like, a bad influence on kids. And I grew up with a bunch of kids, like, my mom ran a day care and we had foster kids and we had adopted kids. I know kids pretty well and I’ve got to be honest, kids are pretty fucked up anyway. They’re awful people. They’re tiny, tiny little Hitlers, all of them. They’re all awful. No, seriously. The thing that makes everybody in here a good person is empathy and sympathy. When you learn, like, “Oh, I’m not gonna punch that person, ’cause if he punched me, I wouldn’t like that, so yeah.” When you learn that, that’s what makes you a good person. Kids don’t have that yet, so they’re awful, awful people. They’re terrible people, they don’t have it yet, that’s the honest-to-God… You ever see those kids in the supermarket? They’re just walking around, they’re just like… Just screaming and their mom’s like, “Zachary, Zachary, I mean it, Zachary. “Zachary, Zach… Zachary, remember? “Remember, Zachary? “Remember the… ‘dolphin.’ “Remember, ‘dolphin’? “Remember we made the secret word “that means you need to behave? “‘Dolphin’ is the word, I just said it, “so you need to behave, you understand? “You understand, huh? Okay-r. Like the kid’s gonna be like, “Oh, you’re right, we did agree upon that.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fc3a0bdb6c189cb4899baff903e1e5030eb85e4f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Tiny Hitlers. All awful. Seriously, that’s why I wear condoms. I’m not having a baby. I’m not ready to have a baby. And I know a lot of people are just like, “I wear condoms ’cause I don’t want to get AIDS.” But I gotta be honest, I’m sorry, I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby. Sorry, AIDS beats baby by this much. Seriously. People get all upset when they hear that. Think about it, they’re not that different, you guys. They’re not that different at all. They’re both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made, and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference? What’s the difference? The only difference is, you can’t go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS. So AIDS wins by this much. I’m serious, I mean, like, people… At least people, “when you have AIDS, people are, like, aware of it and people want to help you. People feel sorry for you. Like, people want to help you out and make other people aware of that when you have AIDS. People don’t give a shit when you have kids. No one’s just like, “Yeah, man, I’m living with kids.” “Been kids-positive for about five years now. “I lost a lot of my friends in the ’80s to kids. “We’re doing a kids walk tomorrow and just… “I’m sorry, one of my kids coughed in my face, I have to leave,” like, no… No one cares. And it’s weird…Like, I remember, here’s…  diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f645d43ea8e3638aae3c414efd965a6cb636a279 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was babysitting this kid once, this mean kid, and I remember the first time I saw him, I opened the door and there were tears streaming down his face, tears streaming down his face, but he wasn’t crying. He wasn’t crying. Just tears, he was giving me this mean mug, he was like… I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? What’s going on with this kid? I found out later that his parents were very organic and they wouldn’t let him have any sugar, they wouldn’t let him have any candy. He would… The sweetest thing he was allowed was mints. He was just allowed to have mints. So he would steal mints by the handful. So his breath was so fresh… the vapors from his own mouth made his eyes water. Like, he’d be like, “Hello!” And then like… Just, they would just bleed… It was crazy. I would take him to the park, right? Washington Square Park, and all the babysitters in New York for some reason are Trinidadian. They’re all Trinidadian babysitters. And I would take him to the park and I was the only boy there, you know, I was hanging out. You know, they were cool. You know, we’d trade jerk- chicken recipes and stuff. And he… he was just a mean-spirited kid, like, he kind Of… Like, he watched HBO just a little too early and was just kind of a mean kid in general, so he would just come through and just…He wanted to get to his slide, so he just pushed over this little girl, she fell over, and her Trinidadian babysitter comes over and goes, “Hey! You leave that little girl alone.” And he goes, “Shut up.” And she goes, “Don’t you talk to me like that, I am a grown-up, you will respect me.” And he goes, “Suck my d!ck!” And the lady goes… I shit you not… The lady goes, “Someone betta get this little niglet away from me.”  diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..01031eec0da672663f8400280e917eb6f2f79ffb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +It’s funny how, like, the N-word still comes up in weird places. It does, like, it’s strange ’cause, like, it doesn’t really affect me like I’m sure it does like it used to. Like, I don’t really think about it, it doesn’t really come up and like, I don’t really care about that shit, but it still comes up in weird places. Like, I like… Like, I write raps, so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone, so I was like, writing, you know, the N-word in my iPhone, N-I-G-G-A, I was writing the N-word. And my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘niggardly’?” And I was like, “No, iPhone. “I meant ‘n*gga.’ Write it.” But then, like, two weeks later, I was writing “jigga,” which is the shortened form of Jay-Z, J-I-G-G-A, and my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘n*gga’?” And I went, “Whoa, iPhone!” “You do not get to say that.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d2f3bc81b7e0c3b94d18cb53de9b5243a555c7d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I like to… I like… You know. I’ve said this in my raps before. I like to date the black girls of every culture, you know. Like Filipinos. They’re like the black girls of Asians. Armenians, who’s like the black girls of white girls. And I was dating this Armenian and… Someone’s racist. Armenians! Oh, God, but seriously, who were you dating? I was… No, I was dating this Armenian girl and we were making sex. I was having sex with her. I know, I wish I could start every sentence that way. Just like, “I was having sex with this girl, and enjoy ‘Black Swan. “Oh, I liked that. I liked the part where he said he was having sex.” But I was having sex with her and we were towards… towards the end, and she goes, “Fuck me harder with that N-word d!ck.” And I stop, look at her right in the eye… and I came harder than I’ve ever come… before. It was so awesome, you guys, it was so great. Like, I was like, wha? Like, I couldn’t believe it. Like, it was almost worth being black my entire life. It was so great. It was so great, I actually felt bad for white dudes, I felt bad. I was like, you guys’ll never have that! You’ll never have that… what do you guys have? “Cracker d!ck”? That’s not… That’s not sexy at all. That sounds like a virus you pick up on a cruise ship. Like, yeah, you’ve got cracker d!ck.Yeah, just hold it together, I don’t know.  diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ea8ae2372e1e7be7788caccc7506e2554627f132 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +People always want to know who can say the N-word and who can’t say the N-word. You know, like people always… You know, I’ve got a lot of white friends. And they’re all just kind of like, “Oh man, I wish I could say that stuff. “It sounds so cool when you say it in rap songs. Like, I want to say that, it sounds cool.” And I’m just like, oh, it doesn’t really, like, do anything… it’s not that great, you know? Like, it still comes up in weird places, like… You know, like that niglet joke? I told that joke in Alaska, and Alaska, for some reason, has a large deaf population. So they hired a woman to do sign language with me for that joke, and she comes up to me and she goes, “I’m sorry, but are there any terms or phrases in your act “that don’t exist in sign language that I have to make up on the spot?” And I was like… “Yeah. Niglet?” And she goes, “Oh.” There’s already a term for “niglet” in sign language! They already have it! Deaf people have been saying “niglet” for years! For years! A n*gga that is tiny, that’s what that means! Was it… Why is this “n*gga”? Why is this… This is… I feel like it should be… Or… Way, way before this. I’ve done this walking down the street. Like, when my nose itches, I’ve done that and I feel like deaf people were looking at me like, “That motherfucker’s racist.” “That guy hates his own people.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bb8abc648d8bce5bc456654832d619bcfdbec5d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But there is one person in the entire world I know for a fact who can say the N-word, who isn’t a minority. There’s one person, there’s one dude. There’s one dude in the entire world who can say the N-word and he’s not a minority, he’s not black. And that one person in the entire world who can say the N-word is… Charlie Sheen. “Why does Charlie Sheen get to say the N-word, Donald?” I will tell you, audience. The reason Charlie Sheen gets to say the N-word is because Charlie Sheen, before all this crazy stuff happened two years ago, got in a fight on the phone with his ex-wife, Denise Richards, and just straight up called her a n*gger. Just called her… Just called her the N-word, like literally. He was like, “Listen here, you n*gger!” Like, really, really gave it to her, and I’m sorry, give that man the NAACP Award. That is… Seriously, that is amazing, think about it. A white dude called a white woman a n*gger. Straight up, he didn’t say, like, “I hope you get raped by…” Or something like that. You know, he didn’t Mel Gibson it, like, he just… totally just called her… I’m sorry, and that’s amazing, that really is an amazing thing, like, think about it.Like, see, black people use the N-word for everything. We use it for everything, like, mother, brother, sister, like, love, hate, we use it for everything. I called a seat belt a n*gger earlier today. I called a seat belt the N-word. I was putting on the seat belt and I was like… “N*gga, if you don’t…” I called it… it just needs a little flavor, so I gave it the N-word diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b17783ec326eb1e9038278dd1f5cdb29bb3245a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And let’s be honest. White people have been getting pretty bold with the N-word lately anyway. Like, seriously, I was at a Kanye West concert. I was at a Kanye concert the other day, right? I was at a Kanye concert and he was doing “All the Lights,” and you know how “All the Lights” starts. He does like three… three parts of a verse and then he gets to the end, and then he holds the mic out for the N-word part and everyone was like, “N*gger- Like, everyone, everyone. And I was in… I wasn’t in Detroit, I wasn’t in South Africa, I was in Texas, where they make white people. I was surrounded by white people and I was like, what the hell just happened? And they all looked at me like, what you gonna do? It’s a Kanye concert, we outnumber you. I was like, okay. I’m, like… I just got out of a relationship that was, like, pretty, like… Pretty hard. Like, I mean… ‘Cause I was, like… Really, like, fell for this girl. And the thing is, like, well, I learned a lot, which is always good. Like, you want to learn from stuff like that and like, one thing I did learn… I guess the biggest thing I learned was, like, if… If a conversation starts with, “What did you mean by that?”, it is not gonna end with, “Oh, now I know what you mean by that.” “Let’s go to Game-Stop.” Never happens. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7604866efd0466bb2b495282ff12491e9f9b3a51 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The thing is, is like dudes are pretty… Like, we’re pretty simple. We’re dumb, but we’re simple. Like we’re very simple. Like every dude pretty much is like, oh, I woke up, now I want to eat, did I eat? Now I want to fuck, did I fuck? Time to sleep again. That’s pretty much all… That’s all dudes. Girls, they’re, like, individuals. Like, all of them very individual, very different, and sometimes they will want two opposing things at the same time, like two opposing things, which is crazy to me, like that’s insane. Here’s a perfect example, is Destiny’s Child. You guys remember Destiny’s Child? Destiny’s Child? Yeah, Destiny’s Child. Women love Destiny’s Child. And remember what their first big hit? Their first big hit? “Bills, Bills, Bills.” Remember that? “Bills, Bills, Bills”? Every girl in here is like, “Yes, I do, I remember that. Totally do,” because it was just like… Everybody was just like, can you be… can you be responsible? That was that whole song. Can you be responsible? Can you pay my bills? Can you be a man who provides for me? Can you be… can you be there? Are you responsible? Can you be there? And then we were like, yeah, sure, yeah. Dude, we can do that, we can totally do that. Not even a year later, they come out with another song called “Soldier,” all about dudes who smoke weed in the middle of the street and shit, with two pit bulls working out. It was like, hey, Destiny’s Child, make up your fucking mind, okay? The dude working out in the middle of the street is not the dude paying your bills. I’ve never… I’ve never been… I’ve never seen a 245-pound, buff, like ripped dude wearing no shirt wearing a bandana and sunglasses, holding a briefcase at the bus stop, like, “I’m gonna be late for my data-input job at Google.” ‘Cause it doesn’t exist. You can’t have a thug and a working man. They’re not the same. You can’t have it, like, that’s…I hate this “Sex & the City” guy that every girl is looking for where it’s just like, “Oh, he makes chairs, but he also fixes babies.” That doesn’t exist.  diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3f8b21ce2d116bf462abef1ce37632099e39b239 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m sorry I’m being so crazy. It’s weird. I mean, like, I grew up with, a bunch of, like, kids, and that’s basically how I learned all about, like, insane stuff, like all the crazy stuff we used to do, was like, that’s how we did it, and you know, I want to make people happy. And it’s hard to find that balance sometimes, because like, I know I’m gross. People laugh, but some people think it’s kind of gross, too. But I always try to make people happy. Like, when I was a kid, like, we had a bunch of kids come and we had my cousins coming over once, all… like eight cousins. They’re all coming and I wanted to do something, like, special for them, I wanted to do something really cool, so I used my allowance money, which took me a long time to get. I had like… I get like a dollar or two dollars, like, a week, so I saved $20 and I went to the store and I bought all the stuff to make s’mores. And I was like, oh, I’m gonna make s’mores with my cousins, it’s gonna be great. I was like, this is my money, I can do whatever I want with it. I’m an independent woman. So, like, I buy all that stuff and then, I like, take it home and all my cousins are there and I’m, like, handing out the stuff. But I bought two for me. Like, I was like, it’s my money, you know, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two for me, I’m the oldest, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two s’mores for me, everybody else can get one. It was just like, okay, cool. I hand out the s’more stuff, we’re all getting crazy and stuff, we’re really excited, and one of my cousins just looks at it, looks at me, and then he just goes… (squishing sound) It’s not warmed up or anything, he just took all the ingredients and crushed them in his hand. He was just like… Just looking at it. All my other cousins were like, what the fuck is his problem? What is going on with him? He’s a weirdo. And he’s just like… whatever, so we make our s’mores, they’re really good, we’re making all our s’mores on the stove and we’re just, like, oh, this is so good, mm, mm, mm. And he’s just like… “I broke it, my s’more, I want a s’more.” And like, I was, like, “You messed up, “I’m sorry, dude, I don’t know what to do. You… I saw you do it.” And my mom was like, “Donald, give him the s’more.” And I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Just give him the extra s’more. He’s crying, give him the extra s’more.” And I was like, “No! No, no, he can’t have it, this is mine.” Just like, “Donald, don’t be selfish, give him the s’more.” I’m like, “No!” I was, like, crying. I was like, “No, please! This is my s’more, I did it with my own money!” She’s like, “Donald, you’re being selfish, this is your cousin, be nice to him, give him the s’more.” And I’m like… And I give him the s’more and he’s like… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8cd4676bbfe693a30343d933bcb6ffabe726e432 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So, you know, I’ve been getting a little more famous lately. You know, I’m on TV and stuff like that, so a lot of relatives have been reaching out to me and stuff like that. So this cousin… I find him on Face… He contacts me on Facebook and he’s like, “Hey, man, what’s going on?” I’m like, “Oh, hey, how’s it going?” It’s like, oh, we catch up, we’re going back and forth. Like, “Oh, man, it’s so great.” “Oh cool, how you doing? I saw you on TV.” I’m like, “Oh, thanks, man, that’s really cool.” He’s like, “Man, you’re doing big things, that’s awesome, man, like, great.” “Thanks, man,” he’s like, “Yeah.” I’m like. “How are you?“ He’s like, “Yeah, man, I… “I got this girl pregnant, man. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” And the first thing that came to my head was… good. I’m glad. I’m glad you’re in a dilemma. ‘Cause you ate my s’more. I hope he comes out and he’s a giant s’more and you crush him in your hand, because that’s what you do to awesome stuff. That’s how fucked up I am. This guy’s having a serious dilemma, like a serious thing. This will… It’s gonna change his life forever either way and I’m like, good! That $2 s’more. Yes, success, revenge! So ridiculous. I like… ‘Cause, like… You know… ‘Cause that stuff is important to you when you’re a kid. That stuff is really important. Like, that was like the world to me as a kid. Like, we like… ‘Cause kids love sugar. Like, my brother, Steven, loves sugar. He loves sugar. And I remember, like, we weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid, we weren’t. We just weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals. And, like, my mom would, like, get us… Like the two cereals we were allowed to have was Cheerios and Kix, and Cheerios is like cardboard doo-doo, and Kix is kind of like the handjob of cereals. It’s like, a little sweet, it’s like… It’s the handjob of cereals, ’cause it’s like, this is pretty good, but… you know what I really want.  diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2fed12e8216be4c70067b9e480434ad22b3caadd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So, like, we would always go to the store and my mom… And my brother would be like, “Mom, can we get Cocoa Puffs? “I really want Cocoa Puffs! Can we get Cocoa Puffs? I want Cocoa Puffs!” And my mom would be like, “No, no, no, no, no,” like, “No, we’re not getting Cocoa Puffs, no sugar, no, no, no, no.” And then one day my brother just snapped. He just snapped. He was just like, “Mom, everyone’s eating it!” My mom goes… grabs it and goes, “Fine.” Throws it in the cart and just walks away and me and my brother go, what? It was that easy? So we go home, we go home and we’re like skipping around, we’re like, yes, yes, yes! We’re gonna get Cocoa Puffs, this is gonna be so awesome! Yes, yes, yes, yes! I can’t wait. Oh, this is gonna be so great, we get to tell everybody at school we had Cocoa Puffs! And she… My mom was a Tupperware woman. And my mom goes over to the cabinet and does the most devious thing I’ve ever seen anyone ever do. She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal, like, one of those big things that you pour and stuff, opens it up, takes a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs, like, just the top, like 1/4th of the Cocoa Puffs, pours it in there, like… Then takes a big ‘ol box of Kix, pours like the whole thing on top of it, shakes it up. So like, the ratio is like, 13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff, like, it was like one spot of brown… It looked like a Kanye concert. That’s what it looked like. It looked like a Kanye concert. She takes the box and slides it across the table and was like, “There you go.” And my brother’s just like… (crying) And continues to pour himself a bowl! You bitch! How could you ruin this? Like, crying. But he still ate it! That’s how much kids love sugar, that’s how much my brother loves sugar. He was an addict. He could have been like, fuck this, I don’t need this, whatever… He was like, “No, no, I still want it! I still want it!” It’s just like, if you love pizza and then a dude’s like, “Hey, you like pizza?” “There you go!” You’re not gonna be like, “Oh, you asshole! You asshole!” Don’t eat the pizza! Don’t eat it!  + diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1a08f940be832107d854a1ee518aa64aa124b3af --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Like I said, like, I grew up with a lot of foster parents… foster kids and stuff like that. Like, I mean, like, my parents were my parents, I never had foster parents, but like, we had a lot of kids going through there. And that’s how I learned about all the stuff in the world, like sex and all that crazy stuff, ’cause they would talk about this crazy stuff. I’d be like, what? Like, I was so, like, sheltered. Like, my parents did a good job about that. Like, they did, like… And it would be weird, because I remember we would have kids coming in. And Dimarco’s like my little brother, and he’s adopted, but we had him since he was little, so he’s like, my real brother, for all intents and purposes, like, he was there since he was a baby. So, like, I would mess with him like he was my little brother, like, I’d be on the top bunk and he’d be on the bottom bunk, I’d be on the top and be like, “Hey, Dimarco.” He’d be like, “What?” I’d be like, “When you fall asleep, I’m gonna piss in your mouth.” “stop!” And my dad would be like, “Quiet down in there! I’m trying to masturbate in the den!” You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in the system. You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in… like, in house after house, like, because they’ve been in the system too long. They’re too rough. Like, I tried to pull this stuff on this kid named, like, Teddy. I tried to pull it. You know, I was, like, on the top bunk and I was like, “Hey, Teddy.” And he was like, “What?” And I was like, “When you fall asleep…” “… I’m gonna pee in your mouth.” And he was like, “You piss in my mouth, I’m gonna bite your d!ck off.” And I was like, “Good night!”  diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f7f0b38fc9cb460af7d6e67ab5710d4aafa08283 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +every Saturday morning, we would come down and we would, like, rule the whole house, ’cause there was, like, a bunch of us, not including my cousins that would come over sometimes, and some kids my mom would babysit. So there’s like a bunch of us, there’s eight of us just jumping around, banging around the walls, just like going crazy and my mom would be like, “Get these kids out of here, they’re driving me nuts.” And my… Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go on a Saturday morning more than anywhere else, where do you want to go? Where? Where? Park. Park, I heard park. Chuck E. Cheese makes me really sad. Someone had a stepdad. “Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese, whatever. I’m gonna go call your new mom.” Oh, “new mom” hit a sore spot for a lot of people. No, but it was like… Yeah, you go to Toys R’ Us, guys. Toys R’ Us. That’s where you want to go. Toys R’ Us was the illest place on Earth. It was so dope. Like, Toys R’ Us was so dope, you didn’t even need to go home with anything. That was how awesome it was. Sometimes you just want to hang out there, just look at all the new stuff, get on bikes, like, ride ’em in the aisles. And somebody’d be like, “Hey, get off that, you can’t do that!” And you’d be like, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And as soon as they turn the corner, you’d be like… “Ahh, fuck you!” Just run around, be awesome. But like, we would always ask to go to Toys R’ Us. We’d go, like, “Dad, Dad, can we go to Toys R’ Us? We really want to go to Toys R’ Us.” My dad would be like, “You guys want to go to Toys R’ Us?” We’d be like, “Yeah, we really want to! Let’s go to Toys R’ Us!” He’d be like, “Well, get in the van. We’re like, “Yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us! We’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys R’ Us.” Toys R’ Us dance. We get in the van, we’re like all happy and stuff, like, yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys… We’re going to Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! And we never went to Toys R’ Us. We never went to Toys R’ Us. We always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids, fucking Home Depot. Fucking worst… Worst place on Earth. diff --git a/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..98a42a9e5589955580331703d36e5cfc13af89a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/DG_W_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So it was me, my brother and this new kid we had just gotten named Terry, and he was new, brand new. And we go in there, we’re like, “Hey, come on, let’s go.” He’s like, “What?” And we go to the toilet section and we pretend to take shits. Like, that was a fun thing. We’d go to the toilet section and pretend to make poops. Like, we’d go over to the toilet and be like… “I ate a lot of beans,” like, and that was, like, a fun thing. “Ooh, I must have had a lot of fruit.” Like, that was, like the fun… the fun thing to do. And Terry went over and took a real shit. And I remember it so vividly because he pulled down his pants. And I remember thinking… he doesn’t have to do that. And he sat down and he just goes… And he gets up. And me and my brother look at each other. And no one in here knows fear until you’ve seen a dry turd in the middle of Home Depot… at 11:00 a.m. in the morning. People are eating waffles and jogging. People are like, “Muah, I love you, honey, I’m gonna go to work.” And someone pooped in the middle of Home Depot. And I think my brother kind of lost it for a second. He kind of went crazy for one second, ’cause he was like… “I’m… I’m… I’m gonna try and flush it.” I was like, “What are you talking about? “There’s no water! “We’re in the middle of Home Depot! We’re right by a washing machine!” And like… We’re freaking out. “We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re gonna die. “We’re dead meat. Oh, my God, we’re gonna die, we’re dead meat.” And then, like, I look over at Terry and Terry’s freaking out, he’s like, “I don’t wanna go back to the house. I don’t want to go back to the other place.” And I just grabbed him and I was like, “Get it together, Terry! “Get your shit together. “We are no longer children. “You took that away from us, man. “You took that away from us. Get your shit together.” So, we’re freaking out, like, “what are we gonna do?” And I’m like, “Okay, I’m the oldest, I’m the oldest. Okay, I’m the oldest.” So I run to the toilet-seat section, pick up a toilet-seat box, and just put it on top. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..33d5a37007c316de41f432d025aac32ef87e548e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +What’s up? Davis, what’s up? I’m home. I had to bring it back here. Netflix said, “Where do you want to do the special? LA, Chicago, New York?” I was like, “Nah, son. Davis California.”This has, um… This has been a very good year for me. I recently got married, you guys. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. I need the claps. It’s a very heavy ring. Very heavy. It was a reverse Lord of the Rings situation. I got a ring and then lost my powers, which is a very different Lord of the Rings. “Listening? Compromise? Take the ring, Sam.” The movie is done in eight minutes. It’s not a 90-hour saga. We just celebrated our one-year anniversary, so it’s one year down, forever to go. Which is terrifying to say. But you know what’s great? Now, it’s just kind of liberating. Because I don’t give a fuck about any of my single friends. I don’t care about any of you and it feels great. Because you guys are at home, just swiping for love, and complaining. “Oh, how do you find people?” “Dimples? Off with his head!” Like a god-damn emperor. “Brunettes? Not for me.” I’m like, “You work at Subway. You don’t deserve so much choice.” We’re getting soft. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d7b05a8993793de508859874aff6b6969c900b41 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You realize my parents physically never saw each other? Thirty years ago in a town in India, population 990,000 — that’s a small town — my dad heard a buzz in the streets about this woman named Seema, my mom. And, like, Seema was that chick, you guys. In ’82, Seema could get… Look at that red langa. Killing it! She was like the iPhone 8. “Have you heard of Seema? She’s slim. Her family owns a camera.” My dad was like, “A camera?” So he runs to my grandfather’s house and lays it on the line. “I’m going to America. I want to marry Seema. YOLO.” In ten minutes, the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on. You understand? That’s Tinder with no photos.“I want that for the rest of my life. I hope she has a good personality. Let’s move to the US where we’re the only people that know each other.” I’m so grateful for that decision. Najmi marries Question Mark, they come to the States, I come out. Popping out of your mom is like real estate. It’s all about location. I popped out here. Anybody br0wn, we popped out here, we made it. We’re the rappers that made it. What’s wild is, I never even knew how the whole X-Men Origins story went down. It’s crazy, because we know nothing about our parents and our parents know nothing about us. “Dad, your favorite color?” “Stanford!” “What? No.” “No, I want to know more about you.” “Why? Get into Stanford.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..793160c955ae9edb09e8569a711aa0262067b5d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And I think it’s just that, like, immigrants love secrets. Right? They love them. They love bottling them up deep down, and unleashing them on you later when it’s no longer relevant. “Mom’s a ninja, Dad’s a communist? Why are you telling me this right now?” Every conversation with my dad is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. It’s just 90 minutes of build-up to no payoff.“That’s the ending?”So my dad marries my mom, they come to the States, they have me, in Davis, California, but my mom has to go back to India to finish up med school. So the first eight years, it was just me and my dad. Just the two of us trying to make it in America. Minus all the unconditional love. Br0wn love is very conditional. In the photo he’s like, “You had better get all As.” Like, let’s be real. I grew up here. Like, Pioneer… I grew up here. Yeah.But Davis was, like, super white. Kind of like tonight.Roll call was a problem. It was a big deal for a lot of us.Like, what’s your name?Jasura. Okay. What would you get?Jasuriah.Jasuriah? Yeah. I would get, like, “Hanson Minaja…” “Sahan Minha.” “Saddam Hussein.” It was my English teacher. “I’m not Saddam.”What’s your name?Biju.What would you get?A blank stare. A blank stare? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..effa8db2e663a2fde133403dee4d0222c4198e93 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m the only br0wn kid at school, Dad is the only br0wn guy at work. In a weird way that brings us together, and we have to do everything together. Try to understand immigrant fathers.I still can’t understand some of you. There are uncles here. None of you guys are smiling. I don’t get it. You’re going to die. Laugh. Why aren’t you laughing? You’re always stressed and always tired. You could wake up any immigrant father from a 12-hour nap, and they’d say… [angry yawn] “Why do I have to pay taxes?” You’re like, “Jesus…” We’d do everything…I remember being in the grocery store. And we’d be walking through the aisles, and my dad would pick up yogurt. “Ah, yogurt.” Or milk. Just like, “Ah.” And I’d look at him and be like, “Oh, man. Dad hates yogurt.” [laughter] “He hates milk.” But I get that look, now. Life is tough and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing. He has a little kid and I’m not making his life any easier. I’m picking up soda and I’m like, “Ah!” “Don’t do that.” “I’m going to live forever!” Then I would trip on my Velcro shoes and I would drop the soda and it would explode. And then my dad would do what most br0wn parents do. He would check to see if the coast is clear… and he’d slap the shit out of me.I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Pockets were acknowledging that. And for the liberal white guilt, immigrants aren’t going to hit their children the way you do. Americans hit on the arm and bruise the body. Immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul. It’s Guantanamo of the mind. And I know some of you guys are like, “Hey, this is Davis, okay? I listen to NPR. Ira Glass says children are our future.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..60737d7bfbf71bde27ddd9676994a408e74fa5d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Have you seen the show called The Slap? This is a real show on NBC. This is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party. Are you fucking kidding? Thirteen episodes for this kid? Are you kidding me? Do you know when br0wn kids get slapped? Every br0wn birthday party. And usually it’s the kid whose birthday it is, and we stand there and point and laugh. We go, “Ah, Biju got slapped on his birthday!” And that’s what makes us tough and resilient. It’s why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees. Slapping is important. It elevates your game.You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee? Incredible! Ice water in the veins. [laughter] That kid won’t choke on camera. He’s been slapped on camera.Of course he can spell “knaidel”.Knaidel.Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing! He’s 12 years old. Nothing! This kid just won $30,000 cash. Nothing. People ask, “Where does that come from?” Look at this kid’s parents. Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Look at his brother. His brother is like, “I’m fucked. I’m fucked. The bar is way too high. I should kill myself.” People say, “Where’s Bobby Jindal from?” That’s where he comes from. That is an Indian sociopath. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8352d15919556e74a4589bc7c0f89f763a539e01 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I know what happens when I talk about this. People say, “Your parents don’t love you.” I think our parents love us. We have great fathers. I just think our fathers didn’t download all the great dad software. There are just a few apps missing. Birthdays aren’t their thing. Every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the US… Happy Birthday. Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways, happy birthday. No more birthdays. Go be president. At an interview, this lady said, “Describe your earliest birthday memory.” I was like, “Do I have to?” So I’m six, I’m turning seven. My dad wakes me up super early in the morning. “Hasan, get up! Get in the Camry.” The immigrant car of choice. We get in the Camry, we’re driving from Davis to Sacramento. There’s one mall in the entire area. Arden. We get to this intersection, and I look to my left, and it’s the one place every kid dreams about. Toys ‘R’ Us. I was like, “Oh, shit! Dad saw the Toys ‘R’ Us catalog on my wall. He saw my vision board. He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted. He’s here to surprise me. Turn left. Turn left. Turn… left.” Then he turns right, and I’m like, “Home Depot? No!” I’m like, “Why are we here? Do you know what day it is?” “It’s Saturday.” “No, it’s my birthday. Did you forget?” He’s like, “Hasan, how could I forget that it’s your birthday? That’s why I brought you here. So you could pick the door handle for the bathroom.” And I was like, “Why don’t you have me pick out the toilet? You are shitting on my dreams.” I didn’t say that. I would have gotten a slap. I wanted to say that.That’s when I realized there’s a generational gap between us and our parents. You’re going to fight with your parents, and there’s a finite number of hands you can play. You know about this. Not going to be a doctor? That’s a hand. Marry a white girl? Boom! That’s a big hand.That’s when I realized there’s a generational gap between us and our parents. You’re going to fight with your parents, and there’s a finite number of hands you can play. You know about this. Not going to be a doctor? That’s a hand. Marry a white girl? Boom! That’s a big hand. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f76904ce28afb9aea9667675789551fece2198a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I could have been like, “Dad, fight me. I want that bike.” But I was like, “Hang on to your cards. You’ll need them later.” Like, I had vision as a six-year-old. And my mom, she would come and visit, and just kill the mom game. One year, she came to school and brought me a Ghostbusters proton pack. The wheelie thing, the backpack, the gun that catches ghosts… Literally shut Pioneer down. Kids were losing their minds. “What? Saddam Hussein’s a Ghostbuster?” “Yeah, I’m a br0wn Ghostbuster. Deal with it.” One of the happiest days of my life. But then she would go back to India. That’s when I realized I don’t want a toy. I just want my mom. I want to be a family. I was very emo. I was like Drake. I missed that girl. “When is she coming back? I need her in my life. I need her. I need that girl. I need that girl in my life. I need her, Dad. She used to call me on my phone.” My dad’s like, “When the visa comes through.” “When the visa comes through.”It’s a big deal. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s difficult to get in this country. It’s not like a broken condom where you’re like, “I’m in!” Eight years. August 11th, 1993. I’m so excited. I put on my Ghostbusters proton pack. I’m standing there. Dad goes, “Put on Indian clothes.” I’m like, “Alright. I can be an Indian ghostbuster.” I put on a Salwar Kameez. I’m standing there. Door opens. Dad walks through. Mom walks through. And then immediately behind my mom, is this little br0wn girl with a mushroom cut. She runs up to me and hugs me. “Hasan bhai!” And I’m in full hover-hands mode, because I have no idea who this person is. What happened was, my dad would go back and forth to India to visit my mom, and during one trip he knocked her up.And I had a sister. But no one told me about it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..808bb1a58d16cea52361798ab76906904b59e2c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Remember how I told you that immigrants love secrets? This is a secret that nobody told me! He says, “Hug her.” “You brought her out like Maury for immigrants.” “Hasan, you are the brother.” I’m like, “No, no!” She was breakdancing, and I’m like, “Who the fuck are you?” “You don’t know me?” “I’ve no idea who you are.” I hated that br0wn girl so much. I was like, “Build that wall.” I was like a little Republican. I was like, “I get it.” I remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table. “Look, Mom, Dad, let’s just be real. Oh, my God, these br0wn people… Oh, jeez. Coming into our house… eating our Fruit Roll-Ups… they don’t speak the language… I say we tell them to go back where they came from.” He’s like, “You can’t say that. We’re family.” I’m like, “No, that’s on you and Mom. You guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on, and bring over this FOB. That’s on you, that’s not on me.” Why do you do this to your daughters? Every single br0wn mother makes your daughter quinceañera dress, chop cuts. Why? Princess from here down, Toad from here up. I’ve got this shit following me around on the playground. “Hasan bhai!” I’m like, “Yo, kick rocks!” I go play tetherball. “Hasan bhai!” “Get lost!” Eventually, I run to the boys’ bathroom. She follows me into the bathroom. “Hasan bhai!” All the kids at the urinal are like, “Uh! What’s Hasan-bye?” I went to school with a bunch of Ryan Lochtes. Just all traps. “Uh, I don’t understand other cultures, bro. What is that? What does it mean?” It’s a term of endearment in my culture, meaning “brother”. “Shut up, Cody!” I took that anger and channeled it at her. I was like, “Hey! You’re not my sister.”But she couldn’t understand English.But she got what I was saying. She starts crying and runs out. I was like, “No! She’s going to tell Dad.” Let’s focus on what’s important here. But she didn’t. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d0167a654e4faedf723a0a3b4ff1196d9b62d067 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And my dad… It was her first birthday in the US. She was turning five. So for her first birthday, he wanted it to be special. I can imagine being a father, missing your daughter’s first steps, her first time saying “Dada…” That’s a hard thing. So for her birthday, he brings everyone into the living room. He drags in this big box and goes, “Aisha, open the box.” She cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps, and I see “Toys ‘R’ Us” emblazoned on one of the flaps. And he reaches in, and pulls out a beautiful, blue BMX bike.“Here you go, Aisha.” He looks at me. “Happy Birthday.”Savage, right? I’m livid. I’m like, “Yo, when did Home Depot Dad become Danny Tanner? This is bullshit. Really?” I’m livid. And Aisha senses it. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, why don’t you take it out?” And as an elder brother, I felt entitled to that bike. “That’s my bike. Thank you.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6b4d27b3125eb246355cb3be0f6b6ee951a17121 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Younger siblings, you guys are worthless. You bring nothing to the table. I see you getting mad. “Hell, no. I have a personality.” Where do you think you got that from, dummy? Us. Clothes, culture, money. “Whoa! I have opinions.” No, you don’t. And then you have the audacity to be, like, “Hey, why are you so melodramatic?” Because I went to war for you. Mom and Dad was my Vietnam. And you’re like, “Everybody loves me.” It’s such bullshit, right? Elder siblings, we walk through the world like, “Do people love me?” And you’re like, “Mom and Dad fucked up with you, not with me.” She’s like, “Take it for one lap around the block.” [speaking Hindi] I grab those handlebars, I’m like, “Fuck that noise.” Boom. I take off. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, come back!” I’m like, “Eat my dust, immigrant.” I’m flying. I see a curb. I’m about to pop a wheelie. The bike goes left, I go right. And that beautiful blue BMX bike… Bam! It crashes into the cement. All the paint is chipped off the right side of the bike. I pick it up, and it’s destroyed. I hear the patter of her chappals. She’s crying, “Hasan bhai, why would you do this?” Animé tears of innocence. “Why? I gave you the first ride.” And I’m looking down at her, and I’m like, “Man… I’m being a dick.” Like, this whole time I was looking for acceptance from Cody, Corey and Cole…and I had it right here this entire time. I’m supposed to be her big brother, help her navigate the American dream and protect her. And I’m out here stealing her bike? This is fucked up. And Aisha hates that story. She’s always like, “Oh, my God, you are so melodramatic. You make me sound like a refugee baby.” That’s true. I’m doing that right now. It’s not fair, because she’s not a refugee. And, like, she learned English. She went to an Ivy League law school. She does mergers and acquisitions now. She is the one percent.Meanwhile, I… I didn’t go to grad school. I became a comedian. This is what I do. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1252d2b42d0b3c5c1d5b5581659f905fc2d4bf0c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And then, when it came time for me to get married, I got married to a girl from a Hindu family. I heard an audible “Oh!” Alright. Fuck. I heard you go, like, “Ugh!” I didn’t punch you. Damn!So some of you guys don’t know. Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India. We’ve been warring for centuries. You’re like, “What’s the difference? You look the same.” So how do I explain this? Hindus and Muslims. So Hindus… Hindus don’t eat beef. “No beef!” Right? And Muslims, we don’t eat pork. “Is that pepperoni pizza? No. No pepperoni!” And then Hindus, they like statues. They’re like, “Oh! This is a statue of an elephant. I’m going to put this in my car.”Muslims are like, “No statues! Calligraphy! We’re about the alphabet. We put that in our car. We’re different.” And then Hindus, they like cartoons. They’re like, “Oh, this is a cartoon Ganesh. I’ll just put this on the wall.” And Muslims… we don’t really, uh, like cartoons. We’ve got to get better about our cartoon policy. Because of this we’ve been killing each other for centuries. And I know the older generation doesn’t like those jokes. “Pakistan was created because of this reason.” I know, but… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6d95115587022729f6909301c3b99559b90c1e33 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I convinced my dad. “Dad, I love her, she loves me. Isn’t there something bigger that unites all of us outside of race, color, creed, class? This is America. We can choose what we want to adhere from the motherland. Isn’t life like biryani, where you push the weird shit to the side? Why do we got to adhere to this weird shit from back over there? He agrees. He’s like, “That’s a good point. Fine. You should get married.” That’s a Hall of Fame br0wn dad decision. There’s br0wn dads here, like, “If my son did that, I would shoot myself and then shoot him.” He says yes. We rally the troops, Me, Mom, Dad, Aisha, we get in the Camry, we’re driving to my fiancée’s house. And we’re about to pull up and we get to the door, and my dad is about to ring the doorbell, when he says the sentence that is the killer of every br0wn kid’s dream. He goes, “I don’t think we should do this. Log kya kahenge?“What will people think?” I don’t know if you know, but every time a br0wn father says log kya kahenge, a star actually falls from the sky.“I don’t want to be a doctor!” “Log kya kahenge!” No! “I don’t want to marry!” “Log kya kahenge!” Why? I bet you, when Mahatma Gandhi told his parents he was going to liberate India, even they were like, “Log kya kahenge! “Stop marching. The British are going to talk shit about us. Why are you bald and skinny? You’re never going to get married.” And I’m standing there… on that doorstep. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..33a84ff9e36ae8b8c5588c0abaeddae55eee4ee3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Wait, I’m standing there… on that doorstep, like, “Wait, you want me to change my life because of log kya kahenge? Come on, Dad. How many times do we complain about racism in our community? All the time. Now the ball is in our court, we’re going to be bigoted? Dad, I promise you, God doesn’t like bigotry. God’s not like, ‘You’re racist. Good job.’ No! Number two, you want me to change my life to appease some aunty and uncle I’m never going to see? You want me to change my life for Naila Aunty? Fuck Naila Aunty. Are you fucking kidding me? My life?” But I can’t say that. Because I’ve played all my cards. So I can’t say anything. Now I’m losing hope. I’m, like, “Maybe this is bigger than me. Why can’t I put my head down and do what I’m supposed to do? This ain’t Jodhaa Akbar.” Have you ever been trapped by the time you live in? It’s been going on for centuries. So I’m walking back to the Camry, then I hear a voice behind me. “Oh, my God. You guys do this all the time.” And it is Aisha, and she is pissed. And she’s like, “Dad, I did not fly out from Philly for this.”“Beena is so legit. She has a PhD. Hasan bhai is a comedian.”“No one is going to marry him. Get him married before she changes her mind.” She stepped up. She laid down one of her cards for me. She Phil Jacksoned that situation. She got all these people working together. Because of her, I got to marry the love of my life. Because of my sister. I can’t believe it.For years I resented that br0wn girl. I hated her. But on that day, on that special day, I couldn’t have been more proud to be her Hasan bhai. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4003c1623902e337663f2d9226bc316913fa832e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know, they say every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy. And it’s wild that our kids will never know there was a period in time in this country where you had to make a choice between being on the internet or being on the phone. [laughter] They won’t get it, dude. You’ll never get it. You don’t get it, man. You won’t. That was our World War I, man. Especially in middle school, if a girl called the house, you had to pick up the phone before your parents. We used to have landlines. It’s like phones connected to the land. And one time in middle school a girl called the house. My dad picked it up before me. “Hello, who is this?” “Hi, it’s Alice. Is Hasan there?” “What you want, Alice?” I was like, “I’m going to die a virgin.” “I’m in Geometry with Hasan. I had a question. Can I ask him the question?” He’s like, “Okay, Alice. Why don’t you ask me the question, then I’ll ask Hasan?” That’s the way our parents are. Ages zero through 30, “No girls!” At 35, “Why can’t you talk to girls?” That’s basically it. “Ah, you kill me!” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fc23cb65acbffc39c2baf697acc46bffbb2ff6ab --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +That’s the way our parents are, right? Our parents are like a firewall to the outside world. They disseminate information to us. It’s like living in North Korea. My dad is the leader of the household. So when 9-11 happened I was in high school. My dad sits everybody down. He’s like, “Hasan, whatever you do, do not tell people you’re Muslim or talk about politics.” “Alright, Dad, I’ll just hide it. This just rubs off.” We’re sitting there. Phone rings. I run, but my dad beats me to the phone. “Hello?” I grab the second phone. I hear a voice. “Hey, you sand n*gger, where’s Osama?”He looks at me. “You can hear me, right? You fucking dune coon. Where’s Osama?” “Hey, 2631 Regatta Lane, that’s where you live, right? I’m going to fucking kill you.” Click. And my dad’s looking at me. Do you ever see your parents, and you see the mortality in them? I’m looking at my dad and I see all five-seven of him. And that’s when I realize I’m a darapok. I’m a scaredy-cat. We can speak two languages. We can speak at home and outside. I should have said something. I didn’t. We sit down. I hear “thud, thud, thud” outside. Me and Dad run outside and all the windows on the Camry are smashed in. My backpack’s open. “Fuck, they stole my stuff.” I reach and I pull out my backpack. Pieces of glass get caught in my arm. Now blood is gushing down my arm, and I’m pissed, I’m fucking mad. Fuck this, man! These kids know where we live, they’re timing this, so they’re watching us. So I’m looking in the trees, the bushes… I look back in the middle of the street, my dad is in the middle of the road sweeping glass out of the road like he works at a barbershop. “We’ve got customers. Log kya kahenge? We’ve got to clean this up.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cf37699dcb9a493ee3b373e5afd3811745be1471 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + Zen! Br0wn Mr Miyagi, just, like, not saying a word. I’m like, “Why aren’t you saying something? I’m asking you, say something!” He looks at me and goes, “Hasan…” [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi] “These things happen, and these things will continue to happen. That’s the price we pay for being here.” That’s when I was like, “We really are from two different generations.” BMX bikes aside. My dad’s from that generation where he feels like if you come to this country, you pay the American dream tax. You endure racism, and if it doesn’t cost you your life, pay it. There you go, Uncle Sam. But for me, I was born here. So I actually have the audacity of equality. I’m like, “I’m in Honors Gov, I have it right here. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. All men created equal.” It says it right here, I’m equal. I’m equal. I don’t deserve this.But as soon as I say that… He looks at me like I believe in Santa. “Hasan, you’ll never understand.” “I’ll never understand? Dad, you’re the guy that will argue with the cashier at Costco when he doesn’t let you return used underwear. And now you want to be the bigger man? Now you’re like, ‘Let’s be reasonable with the bigots.’ What?” And then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet. And I honestly don’t know who is more right. Maybe he’s right. Put your head down. Be a doctor, get a house in the burbs, let them call them whatever you want. But isn’t it our job to push the needle forward little by little? Isn’t that how all this stuff happens? I don’t know. The pendulum swings back and forth for me. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..db08ee226ad10e46b0f53e6acbb4ab775449a167 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And I know 9/11 is a super touchy subject. I understand. Because when it happened, everyone in America felt like their country was under attack. But on that night, September 12th, it was the first night of so many nights where my family’s loyalty to this country was under attack. And it always sucks. As immigrants we always have to put on these press releases to prove our patriotism. We’re auditioning. “We love this country, please believe me.” Nobody loves this country more than us. I fell in love here. Six years old, Janice Malo. I saw her in the sandbox. I run up to her. First grade. “I love you!” “You’re the color of poop.” That’s memory number one. The first time you experience racism? I was like, “What? Oh, no! It’s not rubbing off!” I was fucking terrified. It was like Inception. There were so many levels. I just wanted to wake up and be like, “Oh, it was all a dream. I’m JGL. It was all a dream.” But it’s not a dream, it’s the universe telling you, “It’s a Fair and Lovely world. Navigate accordingly.” In the third grade, Miss Anderson said, “Write what you want to be.” Some kids were like, “an astronaut,” or “a firefighter.” I was like, “I want to be white.”“What do you mean?” “I want this part of my skin to be all of my skin.” And it wasn’t like, “I hate melanin.” I love melanin. I’ve never gotten a sunburn. I’m blessed. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8e8107c15e7c016ea0db845981fe1ee1cd7e15a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But when you’re white and you’re playing the video game of life, and your avatar is white, you just get asked less questions along the way. You pop out. Boom. “I want to be Batman.” “Well, of course. Batman is white. Duh!” “I want to be president.” “Duh! Forty-four-and-a-half presidents are white. We’ve had a great track record.” And I know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people. I know you guys have problems. I’ve seen Girls. [laughter] My dad did not give a shit about any of this identity stuff. His rules with me were very simple. “No fun, no girlfriends. Have fun in med school.” Which is a huge lie. It never gets popping in med school. I’ve never been to a club and seen nine dudes: “Yo, what’s going on?” “What’s going on? Residency, fam!” Never happens. “I got a career I hate from my parents.” It’s a lie. We buy into it.So by my senior year of high school, I had yet to go to a school dance, I had been cut from the basketball team, and I had just got off this medicine called Accutane so my skin and face was peeling. I’m crushing life. Out here, killing it. No one did that. Don’t clap. No one did that for that photo. No one ever did that at my school. It’s too late. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1c33c35631a64f9dc6b6a61bad0c94044f017151 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But there was one bright spot, this girl named Bethany Reed. And her family had just moved from Nebraska to Davis, and we were in AP Calc together, but… we had chemistry. She sat behind me, first day, she’s like, “Hey… what’s your AIM screen name?”I was like, “It’s about to go down. Do you want it? I could give it to you.” Whatever I lacked in real-life game, my digital game… bananas. Status updates, away messages, sub profile, Boyz II Men. Don’t say you don’t like “Water Runs Dry”. I was a lover. Late at night on AIM, back and forth, back and forth… You guys don’t know this. Some of you guys are just in college, Snapchatting. Back in the day, we had to fire up the internet like goddamn cavemen. You know what I mean?If someone picked up the phone, “Hey, get off the phone! I’m trying to talk to somebody!” That’s how we would communicate. Late at night, back and forth, back and forth. One night she was like, “Hey, come over.” I bike over to her place, white picket fence, McMansion, Ford Expedition, Eddie Bauer edition.“Oh, they made it!” Mrs Reed opens the door. Her father is this successful retired judge. Mrs Reed’s like, “You want br0wnies?” “Yeah. Cool.” “Hey, stay for dinner.” “We just had br0wnies, but okay.” We’re sitting there at the dinner table. And now Mrs Reed’s like, “Hey, honey, we know so much about Bethany, but we don’t know anything about you. What do you like? What are you into?” I was like, “What?”“What do I like? Um… Nobody… Nobody has ever asked me that before.”“I guess I like acoustic guitar.” “You should do that. You should follow your dreams.” [laughter] “Maybe I will. Maybe I will follow my dreams.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ebbb8a877e1358d6a4e8d5df3a19d2396310aa86 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + Then Bethany’s like, “Hey, we always study at my house. Why don’t we study at your house?” I was like, “I’ve got to go.” What, invite you over to my house? You walk in: “What language are you guys speaking? What’s that smell?” I’m not going to open myself up to that. But I was like, “No, she’s different.” I hit her up late at night. “Mom, Dad, a school friend is coming over. Everyone here, please be normal.” My dad is like, “We are normal.” Killing me, you know what I mean? “Hasan, we’re normal. Be proud. You should be proud.” Who is proud? No one is. You’re walking around like a rooster. I’m not proud and no one is proud. We get there. We’re sitting on my living room table. My mom and dad are arguing in Hindi. My mom is frying pakoras. The fobbiest thing ever. Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is playing on Zee TV. But it’s too much. It’s all coming at this girl. It’s too much. You’ve got to ease your way in. She’s from Nebraska. Soul cycle, yoga, then Zee TV. Don’t just, like, go into it. So I’m looking at her, like, “Don’t say anything. Please don’t say anything.” She looks up from her book, and she’s like, “You know what? This is really nice. We should do this more often. This is really nice.” And I look at her, and I’m like, “Oh, my God. I love you, my white princess.” “You see me. I don’t got to change who I am? I can be me!” So I’m going back and forth. Her house, my house. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..653adf348d8a42adb5d538c6127d26f52740ce78 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +One night, we’re on the living room table. We’re doing integrals.She closes her book. She’s like, “Hey. It’s late.” And I’m like, “It is late.” And she’s like… “I should go home.” I was like, “Yeah, you should…” Why did you say that? That was your chance. Don’t do that. I said, “Wait, let me walk you out.” So I’m walking her out. She gets in the car. I’m about to close the door. She rams her arm into the door, leans out and gives me a kiss. “I love you.” Drives off into the night. Like a fucking G! Because she knew the rules. She knew the rules. No fun, no friends, no girlfriends. All we had was that stolen moment in my driveway. You guys are like, “I was getting handjobs when I was nine.” Not me. Not this guy. Not you, not you, not you. Not us. I was like, “Are we getting married? I have to change my pants. We are definitely getting married. When is the shaadi?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7abe1f82d4b0e6ef89deb0ecbcc9df671f78581d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now, my AP Calc class was a group of overachievers and my Calc teacher, Mr Pendleton, wanted us to live lives outside of school. So one day he gets up in front of the entire class. “Alright, you guys are all killing it academically but I want you to know there is more to life than just getting into UC Berkeley.” One kid was like, “I know, getting into Stanford.” He’s like, “No, you have to live a life worth talking about, which is why I’m making it mandatory for everyone in this class to go to prom.” I’m like, “All 30 of us? We’re all going to prom? AP Calc? Us? Me, Jehovah’s Witness girl, Korean exchange students, going to the prom? Thirty for 30? All of us?” I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. He’s like, “Hanson, this is not funny.” He walks over to the board, he pulls it down. It’s a bracket with everybody’s name on it leading up to the big dance. It’s March Madness for nerds. I’m like, “Whatever, it’s not going to happen. He can’t do this.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b788a76932923edb4c1e73008a2b9736a102faec --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Weeks go by. Kids start getting dates. Three days before prom he walks to the board. Last two names: Hasan Minhaj, Bethany Reed. The class goes nuts. They’re like, “Oh! They’re going to fuck!” “No, we’re not! Are we? No, no we’re not.” I look at her, “Please don’t say anything.” She says nothing, like a G.Bell rings. I’m walking to my locker. I hear footsteps. She’s like, “Wait up.” I was like, “What’s up?” “Oh, that was crazy back there. What are the chances?” She’s like, “Listen, you know, ever since my family moved from Nebraska, you’ve been my best friend. And you’re really special to me. This year wouldn’t be the same without you. So I was wondering, will you go to prom with me?”I was like, “Yes, my white princess.” As soon as I said that, I was like, “No!” I had bitten off more than I could chew. “No, wait. You’ve got cards to play. You’re good. You’re a good kid. Also, remember, parents respect honesty. You’ve seen this on TV. If you go home and are honest, your parents will be like, ‘Even though I disagree with you, I respect your candor. Therefore I will grant your wish.'” I ran home, I was like, “Dad, I would like to go to prom.” Which means, “I will break your face.” “Duly noted, father.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b538ad5732e427fabcfaec5d12c08d540a58302e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +“Bethany, situation at home. Father doesn’t want us to go to prom. I’m going to sneak out. I live on the second story. I’m going to jump off and land on my bike. I’ll bike to your place, we dance it up, and if I die, I had a great run.” You know? You’re going to die, so put it on the tombstone. “Hasan Minhaj, 4.3 GPA, kissed a white girl.” What an amazing way to go. The night of prom rolls around. I put on the JC Penney suit. Spray on the Michael Jordan cologne. Six puffs, one for each championship. You don’t want to overkill it with the MJ cologne. Don’t be tacky. I’m scaling down the side of my roof, scraping my knees. I jump off the roof. It’s like 20 feet. I jump off, I somehow land, I get on my bike. It’s beautiful, the sun is setting, it’s one of those gorgeous evenings. And I’m biking with my knees bowed out. So my slacks don’t get caught up in the chains. Fast enough to get there, but slow enough to not get pit stains. I’m balancing the corsage.Alright, go. Go. You’re good. You’re getting there.”I get to her house. I park my bike. I’m walking up to the doorstep, and I’m about to ring the doorbell when I’m like, “Wait. 30 second time-out. Do you understand what’s about to go down? You’re about to go to prom with Bethany motherfucking Reed.”“This is the American dream. This is what Dad fought for.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3f0b06f68c2de233ba472f2dfc9ed5882dc323f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + Ding-dong. Mrs Reed opens the door. She has this look of concern. And I look over her shoulder, and I see Jeff Burke putting a corsage on Bethany’s wrist. And she’s like, “Oh, my God, honey, did Bethany not tell you? Sweetie, we love you, we think you’re great. We love that you come over and study. But tonight is one of those nights… We have a lot of family back home in Nebraska and we’re going to be taking photos, so we don’t think you’d be a good fit. Do you need a ride home? Mr Reed can give you a ride home.” And I was like, “No, I have my bike.” And I just biked home and played Mario Kart. That’s the nicest I’ve ever been dressed, playing Mario Kart. I wish I had said, “Fuck that, I’m going to the dance.” I didn’t. The sad part is, I felt bad for being there. Who was I to ruin their picture-perfect celebration? You’ve seen movies. How many times do you see that on screen? And it’s not like they were yokels yelling “sand n*gger!” I could let that pass. I’d eaten off their plates, kissed their daughter. I didn’t know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you. It’s hard when you see people saying they love you but they’re afraid at the same time. And I didn’t know what that meant. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cd2c1258f71c3fe02cca50c344521dcbba3909a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Then the following Monday, during first period she finds me. She’s like, “Everybody has been asking why we didn’t go. Please don’t say anything. It’s a generational thing. Please don’t say anything.” And I look at her. Second period rolls around like clockwork. Mr Pendleton’s like, “So, lovebirds, what happened? Everybody’s wondering.” So I’m, like, “Yeah, what happened?” Looking at her. She just looks down. Now everybody’s looking at me so I’ve got to improvise. I was like, “Yeah, you know, I decided not to go. I mean, dances are overrated. They’re a cliché. I decided not to go.” Everybody in the class looked at me. “Wow, you dick.” “You stood up the new girl? Thank God Jeff took her. You’re a dick.” That’s the last time we ever spoke. And you know, time has passed, and I don’t really think about that day. I mean, I did write a show about it, but… like a lot of people……you move on to different chapters of your life. You have selective memory. You’re in college. Tools, Clear History. Out of college. Tools, Clear History. Never did that. Married. Tools, Clear History. Never happened. Second marriage, Tools, Clear History. Never happened. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7ad689b8dda97ec7c4b6bcc47c47d255b118b00c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But for the most part, I actually think about it the way my dad does. “Oh, you couldn’t go to prom with a white girl? Who gives a fuck?At least your spine isn’t getting shattered in a police wagon, though it’s happening to African-Americans to this day. So this is a tax you have to pay? I’ll pay it. ‘I can’t date your daughter.’ I don’t give a fuck, Uncle Sam. Take it.” But then I realized, wait, hold on. Why is it every time the collateral damage has to be death, for us to talk about this? A kid has to get shot 16 times for us to be like, “Maybe we have a race problem.” For every Trayvon Martin or Ahmed the clock kid, there is bigotry that happens every day. Because we’re too afraid of the Other. Someone who’s not in our tribe. I wish I could tell 18-year-old me, “Hey, man, don’t let this experience define you. It’s good people and bad people. Irrespective of creed, class, color, find those people. Because love is bigger than fear.” I wish I could tell him that. I really believe that.I really believe love is bigger than fear. Fox News has taught me that. Fox News is incredible. I’ve never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color. It is amazing. And Fox News is in New York. They’re in New York. Daily Show, Fox News, five avenues away from each other. That’s it. Professor X, Magneto, that close. Every day I walk past their building during lunch. I’ll see all the employees, Hannity, Coulter, O’Reilly, leave their building, cross the street, walk past me, and line up for halal chicken and rice. I’m like, “Uh… Racist Randy wants that red sauce.” Your brain can be racist, but your body will just betray you. I love that so much. All morning, they’re like, “Mexicans, all lives matter, Arabs… 12:01! Shwarma time!” I love that so much. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a2ca324eb8545cb06368302a9691e06a6bbb4941 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And I wish I could tell 18-year-old me that, but I can’t. I don’t have a time machine. I can’t tell him that. You know what the shitty part is? When you first fall in love, you get that first taste of the Heisenberg blue. It’s never the same after that. People here with girlfriends are like, “Babe, it’s different with you.” You’re lying and that’s okay.But we had those first secrets. My secret was, “I want to be a comedian.” She said, “I want to be a journalist.” We promised we would follow our dreams, no matter what people would think. So I started doing comedy. I wasn’t very good. Two years, three years, four years, six years, seven years… I finally get a chance to headline a comedy club. It’s a big deal for me. Gotham Comedy Club, New York City. I did what a lot of early comedians do. I got on Facebook, I got super cocky. I was like, “Yo, Facebook! Your boy, headlining Gotham Comedy Club. Let me know if you want some tix.” All caps. Like, relax! I sent it. I was like, “I’m a headliner. Let’s go to the airport. LA, Chicago, Nashville, New York… I’m flying Southwest. I was like, “I made it! Oh, hello. La Quinta Inn! Don’t mind if I do. Free Wi-Fi? Why not? Let’s see what the internet is saying about me. I open up my laptop, fire up Facebook, and I see this. “Hey, um, long time no see. You’re doing comedy now. So cool. Listen, me and my girlfriends live in Manhattan and we were wondering if we could get some tix?” Question mark. Okay. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f227d71ff0750a719908037bab9e38e2ecb78e82 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t know if you know what this means. But, you know, if life gives you lemons, sometimes you’ve got to make “revenge lemonade.” Sprinkle in a little irony. Reply, son. Reply. “Bethany, comma, enter. Totally remember you. Long time no see, indeed.”“Seven years. A lot of time. Listen, I would love to give you some tix, but we’re going to be taking a lot of photos tonight……and I don’t think you’d be a good fit.” Send that shit! Send that shit right now! Send that shit right now! I jump on stage! I run to the club, jump on stage… I don’t even know what I said. I was like, “Fuck that. Goodnight.” Boom. I go to the airport. We go from New York, Chicago, to Nashville to LA. I pick up my Toyota Camry L-motherfucking-E. Don’t you ever forget about it. Cloth interior for life. Whipping through the streets of LA. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bacef597c10f9fc5a2b1587829dd61f24c3ac07b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Hello, headliner. What do you need?” “Hasan bhai, Dad had a heart attack. Hey… idiot, pick up your phone. I need you. Dad had a heart attack.” My dad had just suffered a quintuple bypass. So they’re rushing him to the hospital. Aisha goes, “Come home, now.” I was like, “I got a set at the Comedy Store. I’m going to do that, then I’ll come home.” And I did a set at the Comedy Store. And then I drove home. And I don’t know why… I get to Kaiser and run upstairs. My mom and my sisters are crying. My sister looks at me, she’s like, “They don’t know what you did. I do.” Doctor sees me. “Are you his son?” “Yeah.” “You’re over 18? Sign this.” I sign this waiver that clears the hospital of liability if something happens to my dad. The surgery is that risky. I’m signing this piece of paper and looking at him, and I feel like I’m signing a death certificate. His body temperature is so low that he looks blue. They wheel him into surgery and I hand the clipboard to the doctor. I look at my dad, like, “If this is the last time I see my dad… I’m saying goodbye to a person I barely even know.” And I’m waiting, hoping that he comes out of surgery okay. And somehow he makes it through. We’re in the hospital. I have to tell him stories. So I’m telling him stories about my life, he’s telling me stories about his. So I tell him the prom story. He goes, “Hasan, I’m mad at you.” “I know, I kissed a girl. I’ll never do it again.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7c7188714a1013f4ac491033cb134afa899eec57 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +He goes, “No… why don’t you forgive Bethany?”He wanted to be the bigger person again. I was like, “Why?” “You know when I emigrated to this country in 1982, I thought if I let you go to a school dance, you would join a gang, get a girl pregnant and become a drug dealer, in one night. I wanted to protect you. Her family saw stuff about us. They wanted to protect their daughter. Everybody’s afraid of everybody. But Hasan…”Hasan, you have to be brave. Your courage to do what’s right has to be greater than your fear of getting hurt. So, Hasan, be brave. Hasan, be brave.” It’s a very beautiful poem. I think about it all the time. And look, there are some days where I can forgive that person. The past is the past. Tools, Clear History. It’s done. Other days, “No, fuck that. This is House of Cards. Crush our enemies.”I didn’t know how to feel, until this. Pizza Hut new big pizza sliders are here. Get nine in a box for just ten bucks. Ten bucks. Match up to three ways. Three? Cheese! Big, delicious sliders, only at your Pizza Hut. And that’s how you make it great. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e6cf9984e4820aa858277774673c6e64b45e13c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Alright, so… so this airs during March Madness. Everyone sees it. The night this airs, friends send me text messages. “Hey, man, by any chance do you know how many pizza sliders you get in a box for just ten bucks?”Nine!” “Is it true you can mix and match up to three ways?” [laughter] “Yes, three. Yes.” A buddy of mine sends me this screengrab. “Just saw my high school prom date in a Pizza Hut ad.” #throwback. #it’s a small world. #brilliant. To which I reply, “We didn’t end up going, though. How’ve you been?” #MrP. #Calc. To which she replies, “I know! Made for a better tweet though. Let me know when you’re in New York.” To which I reply, “abso-f*cking-lutely.” Now, against the advice of my therapist I go on Facebook, because she has a public profile. So I start clicking around. “Bethany Reed.” Okay. “Lives in Manhattan.” Duh, we knew that. “In a relationship with…” I click it.“Rajesh… Rengatramanajanana…” She is dating an Indian dude \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_33.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_33.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8ab84481ef54f7b57ee446a2a1ec1de3e6db8dd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_33.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +nd this dude is Indian as fuck. Look at his name! Look at how big his name is. It’s so big, it barely fits in his Facebook profile. So big. Ten syllables. Ra-jesh Ren-gat-ra-ma-na-ja-na-nam. Are you kidding me? How many letters are in the alphabet? How many letters in the alphabet? 26 letters in the alphabet, right? How many letters are in Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? 25. That’s one less letter than the entire alphabet. Come on! How easy is my name? Hasan Minhaj. So easy. She was like, “Fuck that. Give me the Rajesh Rengatramana… motherfucking-jananam.” Like, “No!” God is laughing at me. God is laughing at me. Now, against the advice of my therapist… I make contact. She’s like, “Do not make contact.” I’m like, “Tell me what I want to hear.” “Need closure? Go for it.” “See you next week.” Therapy is bullshit. “Bethany, I’ve got a gig in New York next week. I would love to meet up.” She’s like, “Yeah, let’s meet up.” And I go from LA to New York, direct flight. Pizza Hut money. I’m walking through New York. I’m livid. I’m pissed. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_34.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_34.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a16f6b520e074511cede82dc8cfc1344cb8b166b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_34.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + I’m walking through New York. I’m livid. I’m pissed. How is this possible? How is this possible? Rajesh Rengatramana… How does she make love? “Oh, my God, Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, give it to me right now. Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, I want you so bad. Put your Rajesh in my Rengatramanajananam.” I was like, “Stop it. Stop imagining her having sex with Rajesh Rengatramanajananam. You’ve got leverage. Walk in there, be cool. Walk in there, be confident. Be like this, dude. Walk in there and just own it. Be like this, be like this.” [laughter] [whistling, whooping] “What’s up?” Do that with this, and then lick the lips and go, “What’s up?” I’m practicing it. I get to the door, open the door, then I hear, “Hey, Hasan!” She’s sitting outside. She saw me doing this shit in the street.I was like, “Oh, hey, what’s up? Is someone sitting there? Cool.” I just walk up and I’m like, “Alright, yeah. I’ll just sit here, cool.” I’m sitting there. When you see someone from your past, all of a sudden, you’re that age again. So all that Kanye juice just goes out of my body. I can’t say anything. It’s like the adults in Charlie Br0wn. I can’t say anything. 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. “Dude, are you going to be a darapok again? Say something.” She starts talking about rent control and I cut her off. “Bethany, do you know why I’m here? I’m here to talk about prom.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_35.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_35.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..312b006341b0b338921bde08715b26f7d7fadd63 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_35.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And her face went white. You guys knew she was white, right? It went whiter than white. And I was like, “You knew my situation. You knew it. I was ride or die for you. At that age, that’s a lot. You weren’t the same for me, fine. Whatever. But what makes matters worse is, you had me socially crucified in front of everybody. You knew how hard it was for me, and then I was so insecure at that age that I couldn’t date another white person, because I was afraid of not being able to be with them, because of the color of my skin. Do you know what that’s like? And now, I’m trying to pursue my dreams, I’m trying, but now you’re writing about me, you act like we’re cool, when we’re not. Why do you do that?” And she was like, “I am so sorry. But you know we were 18, right? Like, I really wanted to go with you. But my mom, she’s very controlling. Do you know what it’s like to have a parent that controls your life?” “No, I don’t. What is that like? Do tell. I would love to hear that story.”“Tell me more.” What? She’s like, “I wish I could have gone with you. But I can’t change the past. I never thought you would want to talk to me ever again. But the reason why I write about you is because I see you kept your promise. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_36.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_36.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e44dfe08f8d93db84f93e8c2b8e258f86d216964 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_36.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + So even if you never want to talk to me ever again, I’ll always be rooting for you.” You know how you carry hatred in your heart about people in your past? “They did this to me. Fuck them.” Damn them. In that moment, I let it go. I crushed it like a Voldemort Horcrux. But I had to ask her the question that we’re all thinking. What about Mr Rengatramanajananam?” She’s like, “I hit it off with this guy. We decide to move in together. I needed money for a deposit so I called my mom.” “What did your mom say?” “My mom was like, ‘No. You know the way our family is. So make up your mind.'” And I was like, “What did you say?” And she’s like, “I told my mom, ‘Not again. This isn’t high school. Raj is a good person and so am I. So I’m going to be with him because it’s right. I hope you make up your mind.'” And I’m looking at her, and I’m so embarrassed. I’m like, “Dude, what are you doing? Why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho?You’re not Liam Neeson. What is going on?” I realized, “You don’t give a shit about this person.” I care about what she represents. Growing up, we just want that co-sign. To tell them you’re good enough. “Sit here. You’re good enough.” But that’s not the American dream. It’s not asking for a co-sign. It’s what every generation did before you. You claim that shit on your own terms. Pizza Hut pizza sliders. Nine in a box for just ten bucks. That’s you. You’re not Hasan Minhaj. You’re “Hussan Minhajj”. This is new br0wn America. The dream is for you to take, so take that shit. Stop blaming other people. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_37.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_37.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..609a8dab8d69186ce7409696b9d55286ba18c6bd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_37.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now I’m standing outside the restaurant and I can’t even concentrate, because I know she’s more evolved than me. She’s like, “Next time, me, you and Raj should hang out.” I’m like, “Yeah, let’s not do that.” And I’m walking to the subway station. But I take one last look at the restaurant. Just to see her one last time. To know that generational change is possible with one choice. I turn around and I look, but she’s gone. And I never saw her again. I did keep my promise, though. You know, I kept doing comedy. I never knew… I never knew if I would do anything more than Pizza Hut. You know how you hit that point when your parents give up on you and move on? “Let’s move on to Aisha.”One day I get an email from my manager. “Want to audition for The Daily Show?” That’s not a question. That’s a statement. “Hey, audition for The Daily Show.” I submit a tape. I get a call. “Jon Stewart saw your tape. Come to New York. They want you to audition. But, but… you have to write another original piece. Can you write another?” “No, I can’t. I’m not Larry David. I can’t do Seinfeld and Curb. I’m a mere mortal.” I’m walking back and forth in my shitty one-bed apartment, like, “I’m going to die here.” And it’s amazing how racism will always happen to you when you need it the most. Like changing the oil on your car. “Oh, 15,000 miles. Racism.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_38.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_38.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..23417ed069be01856a834cdab57ae49e6c614048 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_38.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So I’m watching the show Real Time With Bill Maher. Have you guys seen Real Time With Bill Maher? You know Bill’s demeanor. “Hey, do you believe in God? You’re a fucking idiot.” And everyone’s like, “Oh, the atheist prophet speaks!” So this clip went viral, him and Ben Affleck. Bill Maher is like, “These Muslims, 85 percent of them hate our freedom. We’ve got to round them up, we’ve got to contain them.” And Ben Affleck’s like, “Are you crazy? Round them up, contain them? Dude, we did that to the Japanese. You can’t do that. Am I crazy?” And I was like, “No, you’re not crazy. You’re my white prince.”Don’t you realize what happened in that moment? We got our first A-list celebrity to back the Muslim community. We got Batman, baby! “He may not be the hero we want, but he is the hero the Muslim world needs.” “Batman versus Bill Maher.” I write the piece, go to New York. You get it, right? The producer answers the door: “Audition with me. When you’re ready, Jon will come down. Run it with me.” We’re walking down the hallway, and I see all these photos of the old correspondents that came before me. Steve Carell, John Oliver, Sam Bee, Jason Jones, Ed Helms, Steven Colbert… and me? Keema roti, me? You know we don’t end up this far. You know the way it is. Middle management till we die. We’re not on that stage, ever. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_39.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_39.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6a57082eeea9b5c5ba68ea658ef8ae40b281fa56 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_39.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I walk in and I see that Daily Show globe. I can’t tell you how blue it is. And now I’m sweating through my suit. The producer is like, “We’ll run it a few times.” And I sit down and I get to the desk. Sitting presidents have sat on that desk. I sit down and we’re running it, and I’m nervous. He goes, “Hey, man, just slow down. Alright?” We run it a second time. Now I’m stuttering. And he goes, “Hey, man, relax. You’re funny.” Which is a tell-tale sign of being, like, “Hey, man. You’re not funny. You shouldn’t relax.” And I can feel it. I’m choking. We’ve all been there. Everyone’s, “How did it go?” You’re like, “Positive thoughts.” No, it’s not happening. You’re not. You are choking. MCAT, DAT, you’re going to the Caribbean, it’s a wrap. You choked, right? Too real? It’s real. We’ve all been there. And I can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt. I’m really nervous. I’m pooping my pants. I’m like, “No!” Then I hear… I know that voice. It’s Jewish Yoda. It’s Jon. He’s walking through the tunnel where the guests come, so he’s just back-lit. So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me, and I hear his accomplishments at each step. “Boom! I am Jon Stewart. Boom! Twenty-two-time Emmy-award-winning Jon Stewart. Boom! I redefined political satire and comedy. What have you done?” I’m like, “Have you heard of Pizza Hut?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_40.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_40.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0a86948d570e5014b30b5245c1abe6f07a4db573 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_40.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Then he steps into the light, and he’s shorter than I thought. And he has all this scruff on his face. And I look at him, and I’m like… “Dad?” He had Jewish Najmi vibes. He shakes my hand. I could feel it, like he’d slapped me in a previous life. I was like, “I know this hand!” He starts riffing, I start riffing. The prompter guy: “What are you doing?” “I got this.” I had it all memorized. One shot, Eight Mile. And I stuck my landing like a Russian gymnast. “Thank you for the opportunity.” I tucked that turtle head back in my butt. “We’re going home.” I walk out the door, but then I hear a voice. “Hey, man, where are you going?” And it’s Jon. I was like, “Oh, I live in LA. I’ve got to go back to LA.” “Well, I’ll see you Monday, right?” I was like, “Why?” “Well, you work here. So I’ll see you Monday, right?”I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “Oscar speech, go. Say what you got to say.” What I wanted to say was, “Jon, this is one of the only things that I’ve gotten in my entire career that my dad actually knows.”So thank you.” But what I said was, “Jon! My dad… knows you!” He’s like, “Yeah, I’m sure he does.” I pinch myself. “You’re Hasan Minhaj. You’re going to be on The Daily Show.” I run outside. I call my girl. She’s crying. I call my mom, she’s crying. I call my dad, he says “Good job.” “What? ‘Good job’? Say it again. I can’t hear you, Dad. Say it.” A car almost hits me. I’m, like, “No! I can’t die. I’ve got to drop the greatest status update.” I run upstairs, open my laptop, fire up Facebook, and then I see this. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_41.txt b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_41.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1b94b3cf20bd25cad6f8e39619c237c4173d1964 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/HM_HK_text_41.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You guys see this, right?Don’t you know what this means? Don’t you get it? I’m the cure for racism.I cured it. Alright, maybe I didn’t cure it, but everyone has a purpose. Some people were put here to find a cure for cancer, or find a vaccine for Ebola. My life is definitive proof that once you go br0wn, you’ve got to lock that shit down.Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Be well. God bless. I love you guys. I love you guys. Good night. I love you. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..01e4b443ea972ceec6b816f48c151b204f66ec80 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So… first up on the agenda is… I got engaged. Thank you. I appreciate that enthusiasm. I appreciate the applause because I live in Los Angeles and when you tell people in L.A. that you got engaged, they don’t applaud. You tell people in L.A. you got engaged, they’re, like, “Good for you. Good for…” So you tell people you got engaged, next obligatory thing out of their mouth is, like, “How did you guys meet? How did you meet?” I don’t like to tell people how we met. I don’t like to tell people how we met. It’s not bad. It’s not embarrassing. It’s just not cool. Like, we met on a dating app. Right, like all of you. Yeah. We met on a dating app, which is… less of a product of my lack of creativity and more a result of my generation. I’m a millennial. That’s how we meet each other, okay? Yeah. A dating app, at a bar, or it’s, like, “I got her pregnant. Well, Skylar will make a good mom.” That’s it. Some of you were so quiet when I said I was a millennial. Fuck you, okay? I am… 35. Which means I was born in 1983, which means I am… right at the cutoff. Okay, so I am a millennial, but I am an elder! Elder millennial! Wizened. Sage. Yes, gather ’round the Snapchat, children. I’ll tell you the tale… of the landline. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..019d6124bcc317085eaeee4cd2e4127691ea6afa --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +How did you guys meet? You ask a girl, “How did you guys meet?” We want to tell you. We want to tell you… everything. We want to give you personal information, background story, ancillary information, anything information. Just say, “How did you meet?” Are you sitting down? Chapter One. In seventh grade, I showed an aptitude for the clarinet. We take it… back! We want you to know so much. +You ask a guy, “How did you guys meet?” Men don’t volunteer personal information as readily. Seldom will you meet a guy where you’re, like, “How did you guys meet?” And he’s, like, “So, I’m a Pisces, so I love faces.” A man’s objective is often to let you know not so much how they met, but to let you know that, like, “I could still fuck if I wanted to. ‘Cause I’m a fuck man. That’s how I do. I’m not gonna fuck you, cause I’m fucking her, but… I come from a long line of fuck men, all right? My daddy was a fuck man, my granddaddy was a fuck man. I fuck. I pack up this dick, on to the next town. Yeah. Fire in the hole. Fuck Man Terry, that’s what they call me.” Down at the Walgreens, whatever. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..289bbef3aa8c79d1078f3b6115296564e92a214c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +How did you guys meet? I say this next part as a woman that champions other women, as a woman who chose to be single for a very long time. I always feel, when single women ask me, “So, how did you guys meet?” It’s less about a genuine personal inquiry for me, and it’s more like they’re looking for clues, like, “Where did you find a suitor? Tell us your ways.” Like, you walk in… to a Trader Joe’s on a Sunday night. That’s when hot girls go grocery shopping. Like, I’m buying flowers for me, right? You walk into a Trader Joe’s with a ring on your left hand, single women can feel the vibrations of the ring. Like, “The ring! It mocks us!” And they… They come out of the frozen yogurt aisle… Lululemon, highlighted hair, like, “Tell us your ways, we wish to be betrothed as well. Secrets. Tell us. Be a girl’s girl.” There’s no secret, just so we’re clear. Don’t buy the books. Don’t buy the hype. Don’t listen… There’s no secret, okay? + +I’m going to be 35 when I get married. And if there was a secret, I would have fucking used it. There’s no… secret. There’s no special magic to it. I’m never going to be, like, “Gather round, ladies. Off the 405 lies a toadhole… You must go to it.” No secret. Plus, chances are, if you are single and you are not enjoying that time in your life, you’re probably doing everything in your power to not be single. I don’t know a single girl out there that’s, like, “I hate being single. I don’t get it. I wash with ham and cat hair. Where is he? Where is he?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8df62ad1901410f5b482a310e838ef7a4eb2801c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Women have no problem letting people know that they are looking for a relationship. We shout it from the mountaintops. We take a seminar. We take a class, we ask around. Are you single Do you have a sister? I will take anything at this point. We let people know… We get license plates made like “LOOKIN4U.” Like, we let you know. I feel like men are more laissez-faire when it comes to relationships. I guess I fell into her, now we got four kids. It’s kind of… It’s less deliberate. Women are, like, “This way.” “I guess I’ll just go that way.” It just becomes. Their stories are less deliberate. I’ve asked a lot of guys, “How did you meet your girl?” I’ve noticed that about 80% of the stories sound very similar. 80% of the time it’s, like, “How did we meet? All right, well… I was out with my buddies. And you know me, I wasn’t looking for anybody. And then I saw her.” And that lie becomes… A big part of our narrative as women, this hope that we will go out and a man is going to see us, save us, rescue us. It’s this hope that we’re going to be seen and that’s going to happen for us. And we all have this sort of shared fantasy where you walk into a… a club or a bar with five of your girlfriends who look exactly like you. And you walk in and a man picks you out of the crowd, sees you for the beautiful soul that you are, like, decides… like, there’s some DJ up there and he looks out and he’s, like… “Her.” And you’re, like, “Me?” And then your life begins, right? + +This is not our fault for expecting this or thinking this will happen. We have been taught this message since we were little girls. Princesses get saved. Snow White got saved by the prince. It was really the seven dwarves and she was, like, lost in a forest. But, like… seven men. Who is she? Right. Sleeping Beauty was saved when the prince kissed her while she was sleeping. Terrible moral. What do we take away from that? Generations of men, like, “No, you kiss ’em when they’re sleeping, they’re forever grateful. Officer.” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d4bdca3e97b3e6e1634d033a71e73a78b6322f20 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +So naturally we go out hoping to be discovered. There’s this weird thing where a lot of girls, when we’re single, we don’t want to admit that we’re going out hoping a man notices us. Of course you are, but we don’t want to seem desperate. I’m just going out with my girlfriends, in full makeup, with padded everything. This is just for fun. I’m just going out. It’s normal to want to be noticed by someone that you find attractive. That’s the caveat, okay? It’s normal… to want attention. Even in a relationship, you still have a beating heart. You still want people to let you know you’re attractive. If you’re with your guy, you’re holding his hand and you’re walking, and you see some hot guy, like, “You like that?” He’s like, “I like that.” Okay. No harm, no foul. + +We all try this bullshit, like, “I’m not even trying.” Really? Then put a feed bag over your head. Carry an onion. You’re trying, okay? You don’t have to try that hard, but you’re going out. It’s nice to be noticed. So we all do it. Put on the makeup. Force our chub into some pants. You shove your coyote paws into some heels and we go out. You don’t even hunt. What do you do, girls? You just stand in a pack of six other women. Six other coyotes. Getting annoyed that no guy’s hitting on you? Yeah, there’s six of you. He’s terrified. We get annoyed so quickly when a guy doesn’t notice all the effort. So what do you say? Like, “This sucks, let’s take a lap.” So you just move… in a perfume cloud around the perimeter of the bar. Maybe they’re more progressive ten feet from here. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f782fcce896c586b8b853d2c0526e667ad14cdb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +So this begs the question, as women, as feminists… Maybe some… one or two lazy guys might pause at the question. “How come the guy’s got to hit on the girl? You’re an independent woman. Why can’t a girl hit on a guy? Why can’t the girl hit on the guy?” God’s honest answer? ‘Cause we did all this. You fucking do something, Scott. That’s the answer. It’s a lot. Okay. A lot. I haven’t had bread in five months. It’s a lot, okay? + +A big part of the reason women don’t hit on men is that women aren’t seen as equal to men. Therefore, when we step out of a traditional feminine role, and do something alpha and hit on a guy and he rejects us, it hurts that much more. And on a biological level, you know, at your core, he’s not rejecting you based on your shoes or your outfit. He’s rejecting… your eggs. You get up nerve to talk to a guy, like, “Excuse me, would you like my eggs?” “I don’t want those fucking eggs.” Please! I only have but a few. + +Women aren’t seen as equal to men, so it’s uncomfortable to hit on men. There’s a lot more at risk for us. Maybe one day… in a utopia where men and women are considered equal, maybe one day we can hit on men unencumbered by self-esteem issues. But as it stands now, that’s not something we can do. Our grandmothers didn’t hit on men. Our mothers didn’t hit on men. Maybe one day. Maybe my generation changes it. It’s too late. But… maybe my generation, with the hashtags and the tweets, maybe we’ll change it so that our great-granddaughters can hit on men. Yes, that’s the dream, that we do the work now so that our great-granddaughters will know the thrill of hitting on a half-in-the-bag Guido outside a taco truck at 2 a.m. ‘Tis but a dream. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4136829ecdee01d95703a4cd0e13b92f5e12227c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Another big part of the reason that women don’t hit on men is that men are better at dealing with rejection. Sexually. Women are not used to dealing… with rejection… when it comes to sex. We’re used to dealing with rejection when it comes to… governing our own bodies, having our own thoughts, getting paid the same as a man, but… when it comes… When it comes to sexual rejection, men deal with it more than women because they have more at bats. They hit on women more. Ask the guy next to you, “When was the last time you were sexually rejected?” He’ll be, like, “You mean in the Uber on the way here Like, behind that plane while you were in the bathroom? Be specific.” ‘Cause every guy knows… it’s about the at bats. It’s about how many times can you hit on a girl. ‘Cause you know eventually one’s going to say yes. When men first start going out, it’s about quantity over quality, like, “Hey, sweetheart! You’re ugly anyway. How about you?” You keep going through it. Every guy knows you got to kiss a lot of frogs if you’re gonna what, guys? Fuck a frog, that’s right. So… ‘Cause he knows. They’re not going to admit it to you, every guy knows If he hits on, like, 20 women in a night, one’s gotta say yes. Like, one gross-out’s gotta be, like… “Yeah, all right.” 2 a.m. It’s his Hail Mary, at the buzzer pass, the lights are coming on, he’s like, “How about you?” Some girl will turn around and be, like, “Okay. Can we wash my hump before we make love? Just kidding. It’s an egg. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5f147788c7308ef1c6d17446acfdc4a648b0fdee --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +So… By that same token, men aren’t allowed to have feelings in our society, which isn’t fair. You’re expected to move past it, work through it. Get over it. Women don’t get over… anything. No, we don’t get over it. Instead, we hold onto it. We hold onto that rejection. We hold onto it. We pluck it out of space-time and we examine it from hindsight. We put it in different scenarios. We bring in experts, like, “Stacy, get over here! Remember that guy, took me to Coachella, never called again? Shall we drive to his house?” And sometimes… we hold onto the pain of our rejection so tight… that they become part… of the makeup of our personalities. And then we get to use the pain of that past rejection, ladies, as an excuse for why we are the weird brand of fucked-up that we are, now! ‘Cause he broke up with me over breakfast, so now I don’t drink milk, and I’m annoying. Like, it’s always… something. Every girl in here remembers almost every time she was rejected. Because, for women, it doesn’t happen as much as for men. And every human remembers the first time they were rejected. I’ll go first. Fourth grade. So… We were going to sit down for circle time. I went and sat by a boy that I thought was cute. And he told me to go away. Now, he’s dead. Now I don’t sit in circles any more. + +But we cherish our rejections. They give us texture, personality. We take each one and we label it. We label each issue, each past grievance, in its own Mason jar. It’s very rustic. Pin it. And we put it… into our sack of emotional baggage. Each one. He broke up with me because I slept with his brother. They’re twins. They should have worn different color hats or something. I was set up. And we put it… into our baggage, and we throw that baggage over our shoulder and what do we do, girls? We then walk it into the new relationship. Yes. And the best part is, the new boyfriend… has no idea… what you’re hauling. And he welcomes you. Yes, he welcomes you to the new union. Come on in. You seem pretty cool and well-adjusted. And you’re, like, “Oh, I am! Yes, this seems like a safe place for me to… unpack my shit!” diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e932875537a7807b2c7d8806702f59408d0cd4d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Another big reason women don’t hit on men is because men… typically don’t find strong women attractive. They don’t. Your date’s going to look at you, like, “No way, babe. I love a strong woman.” Bullshit, Chad, okay? They love vulnerability. It’s very attractive when a woman is vulnerable. Why is that? Men are very physical creatures. Women are very verbal. Men are very physical. When a woman is vulnerable, hypothetically, it would mean… that she needs physical help. When a man feels he can be of help, physically, then he feels needed, and that makes him feel good and attractive. When a man feels he can insert himself. No pun intended. Fuck it. We’re making a comedy show. Pun intended, okay? You got to give him something to do. We, as women, a lot of times fault men for not communicating the way we do. Women speak more words on average than men. It’s not that one’s better or dumber than the other, it’s the way we are. We talk at you. “I wanna be communicative about being communicative. You’re not saying anything. Why? You’re being uncommunicative. And I want to talk about how much I hate Stacy. When you meet her, you’re gonna.” We have to have… He’s just sitting there, like, “Mongo, no.” Like, it’s scary. If you have any doubt a guy likes you, don’t always look for the words, look for the actions. They will show you. I wish someone had told this to me when I was in my 20s. When you’re younger, you’re, like, “He’s not texting back. He’s busy. He’s at work. His family died.” There’s no bullshit like that. When a guy likes you, he shows up. If you have any doubt the guy likes you, give him something to do. If a guy likes you, he’ll do anything. Will you carry this glittery brick of cat shit? He’s, like, “No problem.” When a guy likes you, carrying your purse isn’t an issue. They’ll carry your bags if they’re heavy. They’ll put gas in the car if you don’t want to deal. They’ll check under the hood for the… thing, I don’t know. But they’ll do that. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ab8e7264c4947dbefee4d9a493fb90e0e3b7357c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +It’s very attractive when a woman is vulnerable and needs help. And that’s historically always been that way. I didn’t make that up. That’s why the term is… “damsel in distress”. Not “overly opinionated dyke who needs a fucking hand, man!” That’s why. If a woman can do it herself, it’s not as attractive. Put it this way. If we’re all animals, okay? And men are… lions. And women are, like, gazelles. What’s a lion, if he’s hungry, more likely to go after? The gazelle, running at 90, unencumbered by a self-esteem issue? Like, I own my home and have a Ph.D. I enjoy witty banter, I just put a down payment on a boat, and I don’t hate my daddy. Onward! Or… remember he’s hungry. Or… the gazelle with the broken hoof, like, “Help, how does basketball work?” Like, what? An easier meal. Side note. I am aware that it’s the lioness not the lion that does the hunting. Let’s pretend that lion was a bachelor and hadn’t met his wife yet. Okay, so… We got the zoologist questions out of the way. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5d9f5f5db462d294489ba3c45849c2e9c06ab7b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So… I will stand up here, and perhaps women in your life you consider strong will stand before you and tell you, “Be strong, do it your way, be tough.” It’s one thing to say that, and for a lot of women it’s very difficult to live that when everything that we’re taught tells us the opposite. Every movie we’ve seen since we were little girls has an opposite message. In movies, it’s not the strong girl, the funny girl, the brave girl, the smart girl, the loud girl, the opinionated girl who gets the hot guy. No, girls like me get, like, fucking Steve Zahn and Jonah Hill. Like, that’s what… She is funny, he looks funny, then they’ll fuck funny and appreciate each other. And it’s always… it’s always the quiet girl. Right, the new girl that gets, like, Channing Tatum. It’s always the girl that doesn’t realize how beautiful she is. The girl that isn’t funny, isn’t opinionated. The subtext of that message is, “That’s right. That’s right, girls. Men don’t like a lippy woman, so zip it, honey.” It’s always the girl that doesn’t know she’s hot. Which, by the way, that Hollywood archetype? Bullshit. Okay? It’s bullshit. Because you fucking know when you’re hot. No one’s walking around, like, “What do I do with these giant tits and thin legs?” How did I get on this Victoria’s Secret catwalk? I’m choking on my silky hair.” Like, you know. We keep seeing the same story over and over. It’s about the girl that’s unsure of herself, and a guy sees through it, and she realizes how beautiful she is when she takes off her glasses… it’s the same thing. Always the girl, like, “I don’t know if I should go out.” The girls that are outgoing that maybe enjoy their bodies, are confident, like, “Let’s go out!” “I don’t know. I should stay home. I’ve never left the house before.” We’re taking you out. Let’s go drink, let’s go dance– I should stay in. Stay in and study. We’re 35. What are you fucking talking about? Let’s go! Walk into the nightclub, all the girls that are confident are dancing, they’re having fun. Like, “Hey, Channing Tatum!” He’s, like, “Later, hookers. I want her!” All the girls– “Uh-uh. Her.” Cut to our hero, she’s just sitting there in a corner, just… maybe she wore, like, board shorts to the club. She has no idea. She’s reading a book. Maybe she has brown hair. Whatever. Before you get all offended at that, look at all of our eyebrows. We all have brown hair, okay. Maybe not you, I don’t know. I don’t see any pure Norwegians here, okay? diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..65ee5802f2b350fa1ef28c8bfcd5e2d23fc98d23 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +This joke isn’t about shaming that type of woman. This joke is not about that. Whatever kind of woman you are, quiet, fat, small, big or tall, loud, you don’t know much, you got a gill, whatever kind of woman you are… you are right. That’s it. Whatever you’ve chosen to be… whatever you want to be… you are correct in being that as long as you’re happy. My point to you, is if you are the shy type, if you are the wallflower, if you are the shrinking violet, if you are another… floral metaphor that has to do… with being an introvert, my point to you is that you don’t want the guy who wants you because of that energy. A man who wants a woman because she looks scared… is a sexual predator. Okay? All these girls that he could hit on, he picks the one that’s shivering like a wet chihuahua. Like a nervous street urchin just in a corner putting out all kinds of “no” vibes. You don’t want the guy that walks up, like, “Excuse me. I couldn’t help but notice you look terrified. Wanna see my dick?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c2935e376c4e29075be417f70ac42150ba6f038c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So… “I was out with my buddies. I wasn’t looking for anyone. And I saw her.” The idea… that in a nightlife setting… that the man would ever see the woman… before the woman saw the man. No. Women are astute, but moreover, women are the ones with the biological clocks. Women are the ones with the socially predetermined shelf life. Women are the ones who are cantilevered off the edge of high heels. We’ve got five hours before we take them off and walk through a lobby flat-foot, okay. Women are the ones whose skin and foundation is dehydrating with every alcoholic beverage imbibed. We are the ones on a time crunch, on a schedule, okay? You saw me first? Bullshit, motherfucker. I clocked you! Like, the second you walked in. Dudes walk in in a pack, unaware, like, “I’d better fill out this bracket, or I’ll turn into a pumpkin at midnight.” You’re not even… You walked in, I was already hunting with five other women. He walked in and I was, like, “Hold!” And then we stalked around you. Encircled you, sussed you out, like a German shepherd sniffing out an IED in the sand, motherfucker. Like, we… diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..00396f39fb35ad8951a9651966ecc04422d70a15 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +A lot of times, men pride themselves on being very observant, right? Ever date a guy that, you go to a restaurant, can’t sit with his back to the door? “I gotta sit with my back to the wall so I can assess all entrance and exit points. I gotta make sure that–” Okay, while you’re checking out the people eating at Denny’s, I checked your fucking credit score, okay? While you were doing counter-surveillance, I looked you up and down, I gave you a pre-cancer mole check. It’s benign, move on. I looked at everything. “I’m an alpha. I gotta look at the door.” If you ever date a man that says he’s an alpha… he’s a beta. So… A lion doesn’t tell you he’s a lion. He just lets the girl hunt for him. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9d966b727f0a98b05da8c16ffae899ad361d4e1f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Okay, so… So, we look at everything. You think men judge women harshly? They do. But, gentlemen, you have no idea what we’re looking at. We’re judging your hair, your shoes, we scan you, like Predator. Every atom, every molecule of your DNA, we go through it like… “Scanning for physical abnormalities. Is he balding Is that a goatee Is his shirt unbuttoned too low for his ethnicity? Is he wearing embroidered jeans? If so, is he a European male or just someone from Arizona?” Like, we go through it. We go through it. We aren’t looking to see if you’re the hottest guy ever. Nay. We are merely assessing if you’re 50% attractive enough that we want to put the effort into putting ourselves in your orbit. So that, in an hour, after a drink or two, you, gentlemen, have the luxury of turning around and being, like, “Oh, excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice.” Then we turn around, like… Really? That’s it. Just set it up for you to knock it down. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0e52369f052b8169097d4a75b7126e6b9bbb6e4c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +A lot of times it’s not that easy. We see a guy we think is cute… and he doesn’t notice us, so we have to make you… notice us. A lot of times, we get our girlfriend to help us. Every girl’s done this. There’s a boy over there you think is cute, you’re, like, “Come here. Do you see that guy, over there? Over there. Over there. Do you see him Are you looking? Don’t look! Do you see him Is he looking He’s looking? Start dancing. Come here, keep talking. Say something funny so I don’t look like a loser.” You’re trying to put out… this vibe that you’re so carefree. ‘Cause you, and don’t lie about this, you want him to look over and be, like, “There will never be another, there has never been another. She is the one.” You want him to be so taken. “She looks like she doesn’t need a man, so carefree.” I’m so carefree, I don’t use condoms! So effortless. If he was close, he wouldn’t be hearing it. From afar, you want him to hear… Sports. If he were close, what he’d actually hear is your– Like, you’re trying so hard. Please! He’s going to find you, he’ll see you at some point. There’s only so many places in a bar, a club, that your eyes can fall. He’s going to see you. This is the important part girls, okay? You’re out there, it’s a competitive situation. There’s a lot of girls, there’s a lot of bars. He’s gonna look at you, that’s your chance, okay? That’s your chance. You’ve only got one shot. It’s like 8 Mile, but with flirting. Hopefully there’s no vomit on your shirt. Maybe it’s a good thing. He’d be, like, “She parties!” I don’t know. He’s going to look over, the lights are going to reflect and refract, and they’ll hit you both and he’s gonna see you, and that’s your chance, ladies, to fucking stick it, and pose, like a peacock in heat that you are. Just… Don’t dance like that. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e950e75e182c53da0e6b70a0e59f0a3c901e0657 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Little bit of insight to stand-up comedy, and the risk and reward with choosing certain jokes. That joke is a risk because I realize not every one here knows… what a peacock sounds like. But for, like, the 12 of you that knew, it was so worth it for me. And for the rest of you, the good news is you don’t ever have to hear a peacock, ’cause that was, like, top ten peacock impressions you’re going to hear… tonight. I hate it. I hate the noise. I’m allowed to make fun of peacocks, ’cause I grew up with them. What I find so unsettling, if I might divert from the stand-up to a TED Talk about ornithology for two seconds, the… it’s the dip in the mating call that gives me… It’s just not… We, as avian enthusiasts, which is why you’ve come to my comedy show… enjoy consistency in a mating call. Like, a crow or a raven is like… It just goes. Right? And a dove and its low-rent cousin, the pigeon, that’s just… Right? The dove and the bird it loans money to, just… Right? And we all know a warbler goes like… “I’m a warbler.” I don’t know. And then… and the bald eagle is, like, “Fucking freedom!” Okay, so… we know. To me, the peacock sounds like a tired hooker. Like he’s just standing on the corner, like, “You want a fuck or what? I already paid for the room.” Another side note, I realize the peacock is the male. They’re the ones with the plumage. The female peacock is a peahen. Their colors are muted. So really it’s a feminist joke ’cause it’s about a male prostitute. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b5b3b4e8852251a2af929916d8da26c637695d6f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Mmm, okay, so… So you peacock and he sees you, and he walks up. “I couldn’t help but notice…” And you start talking, maybe you have some drinks, maybe you dance, maybe you exchange numbers, maybe you start to date. Now, I happen to think the very beginning of a new relationship is the most exciting part of the relationship. Granted, I’m not married yet, so, technically, I’ve only had beginnings of relationships. I don’t know. I can’t say empirically how fun being married is. I’ll tell you on the next comedy special what that’s all about. But I don’t know. The beginning of a relationship is exciting because it’s brand new. You’re both on your best behavior, it’s still electric, you’re not totally sure about the history of mental illness in each family. It’s fun. And the most nerve-wracking part of a new relationship when you’re younger, is the first time a boy comes over to your apartment. ‘Cause it’s ostensibly like your girlfriend audition time. You want him to come in and be, like, “It’s so homey. I’d like to stay forever.” Yes, come closer. Like, that’s what you want. You try so hard in your 20s, right? Because you’re young, and it’s fun. That’s your 20s. In your 30s… In your 30s, homeboy knocks on the door, you open it, you’re in combat boots, nothing else, and a garbage can on fire, you’re, like, “Welcome to Fuckdome, Scott.” Ticket? Okay, so… But it’s interesting, in your 20s, it’s a weird mental game. Boy’s coming over for the first time, you’re trying to reconcile the beautiful home that your mother kept that you lived in growing up, with the beautiful home that, like, Pinterest says you’re supposed to have. And the fact that you have no fucking money, so… Should I buy a rug or eat dinner? I don’t know. It’s so hard. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b1a086ed0c37a64e4a962c0950a86cbf4c447d91 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Boy’s coming over, you are cleaning like you’ve never cleaned before, and it’s hard because women secretly are… filthy. No one wants to laugh about it. “Not me!” And no guy wants to imagine, like, “No way, my girlfriend’s so hot.” Yeah Check the center console of her car. She’s owned that car for a decade. Every year, the shit just piles up. You open it, like, “I didn’t know an Acura came with a time capsule!” You shut it. You open it again. You just hear, “Help!” There’s something in there. It’s our little filthy secret stockpile, right? It’s a Now That’s What I Call Music CD. “In case they come back!” Yeah. It’s one of those cables that plugs from the tape player into the CD player. It’s spilled nail polish, it’s a little bit of weed dust. It’s a… Calgon body spray, ’cause you’d rather smell like a stripper than weed. It’s that… It’s a Lip Smacker, Dr Pepper flavor, that’s just… lying there with a gash in the wax neck, like, “Tell my children I died well.” Like it’s… it’s an iPhone 4 charger. It’s some McDonald’s napkins. It’s a French fry. Times that center console by a million… in her apartment. You are just cleaning with Swiffer and Brawny. It’s like a winter wonderland of paper towels. You’re just shoving shit under the rugs. You didn’t build a shelf, I dunno how that fucking works. You’re just moving everything, you take everything– You put your coats in the oven. Burn ’em! I live in L.A. Take everything. Put your cat in a hamper for now, Marbles. We don’t know how he feels about cats. Taking everything, you’re cleaning. You’re discovering new rooms in your apartment. How come the water heater gets its own closet? Fuck it! You beg your gross-out roommate, “Please, just stay in your room. You’re so fucking disgusting.” She’s there, on a throne of Wendy’s wrappers, like, “Okay! You text me dick pics.” Hello. Shut the door. Cleaning. Lighting Glade candles like it’s a fucking Catholic mass. Smells like ham in here! You’re just trying to make it nice. He opens the door. You’re, like, “Hi!” He walks in. He’s, like, “Oh, place is cool.” You’re, like, “Fuck you.” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..62f58ad65721b7b70b2d6f474f23c9ac97e92755 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And there’s an art, by the way, to the outfit you wear the first time a boy comes over to your place at night. You don’t want to wear… what you wore during the day. Don’t want work clothes. You don’t want to wear your daytime clothes, ’cause… ’cause it’s nighttime. What if that was the end of my show? I hit my head. You don’t want to wear your civilian clothes, okay. ‘Cause you had a whole day. Maybe you sweat in them, they’re gross. However, at the other end of the sartorial spectrum, you don’t want to go, like, super hardcore sexy the first time a guy’s coming over. Just relax. You don’t want to wear nipple tassels. Now… some women are, like, “Wait a minute.” I am the woman that has stood here before and will stand here before you again and let you know you can wear whatever you want. It doesn’t give a man the right to put his hands on you. No always means no. That’s like a boiler-plated given. No means no. Kindergarteners get it. I don’t know why we forget that as adult males, but… no means no. This is less about that, and more about just being mentally kind to the other person. You show up in that, he’ll be, like, “Oh, my god!” The blood’s gonna go from here to his dick, he’s gonna impale himself, he’s gonna sue you, and you ain’t got no money. So… just be kind, because, mentally, it’s like, “Maybe she wants me. I don’t know. Oh, my god.” It’s frustrating. You know, girls, it’d be like if you have the worst day, you came home to your boyfriend, like… “I had the worst day. I got fired, and… I cried in front of everyone and… I ate that French fry from my car. It was just such a hard day.” Your boyfriend’s like, “Aw, babe. You want to talk about it?” You’re, like, “Yeah.” He’s, like, “Just kidding. Psych.” That’s what it would be like. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0a4085762cd447c414ffc01d92016b6eeab510be --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +There’s an entire, sort of intermediary, post-dinner, pre-bedtime apparel world. There’s a whole category of clothing that you, as women, have mastered without even realizing it. The category is called athleisure wear. This is an entire clothing category. It’s a multi-billion-dollar clothing category predicated on the idea that, as a woman, sometimes you don’t have time to change when you’re going from the boardroom to Pilates. There’s no fucking way. You gotta be ready. Sometimes you’re going right from spin to open-heart surgery, and you’ve got to look good. That’s– Spin to open-heart surgery What are you fucking talking about? So what is athleisure wear? It’s athletic apparel you wouldn’t really work out in. Right? So it’s… yoga pants with, like, a racing stripe. You just… race to your snacks. Sometimes it’s like a complicated tank top. It’s, like, not quite supportive. They’re, like, “It’s backless.” What do you do? “You don’t wear a bra.” I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just say? I don’t wear a bra? So if the athletic part comes into play, and I have to run, it’s gonna be… No! My whole life… they’ve been pitching to me, “It’s a tank top, there’s a shelf built in.” It’s a… Go fuck your shelf, okay? I want a bra. I want a bra! We do that. Sometimes we’ll do, like, a push-up bra under the tank. Show the strap off. It’s got to be a cute strap. Not beige. No one goes, “Ooh, beige.” Like magenta. ‘Cause that’s not as sexy as red. Magenta’s like, “Maybe we’ll fuck.” Red’s like, “We’re gonna fuck!” Push-up bra. That’s what we do for you, gentlemen. You have no idea… of the sacrifices. Not a woman here wears a push-up bra when she’s at home with the flu. No one walking around, like, “I just like it when my nipples are near my tongue.” It’s just safer that way. He gets to be comfortable. You’re all bundled up, sitting there in a push-up bra on your couch, drinking with this dude you’re having a date with. He’s got his shoes off, shirt off. You’re suffocating under your own tits, watching House Hunters. Crown molding. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a98bf01a1d9da016c6e128f30a0ad0955063add3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +There’s no zipper, okay. I’ll let you prove it to yourselves. Tomorrow, when you leave your girl, okay, and you’re saying goodbye at the door… here’s what you want to do. Look deep in her eyes. This is great, because, she’ll be, like, “Oh, my god, he’s mesmerized by me. This is amazing. I’m doing amazing.” Great, let her think that. It buys you time, gentlemen. Because what you’re looking for in her eyes is like a nictitating membrane, okay. For those who don’t know, it’s the lid under the lid that keeps the sand out. You need more Planet Earth from Netflix in your lives, okay. That’s what you’re looking for. If you want to see… the dragon come out on its own, just prolong your goodbye, ’cause that dragon’s coming out. Nothing you can do about it. Just take a little longer. All right, well, I have your number, right? Lemme make sure. Okay, great, you have my number. Bye! You’re just flying round your own studio apartment. You can’t go outside. You will get shot down. Like, this isn’t fucking King’s Landing. Like, you can’t… you’re just doing it for the cardio. Tiny pulses, ladies. We’re toning, we’re firming. You fly into your kitchen. You land on your counter. You’re hungry, right? So you take out a talon. You skewer an entire sleeve of Oreos. You toast it. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7717d485ef0a9816780e59bb93ad38912a334737 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I had to squeeze it. I was, like, “What is this feel–” I found myself moving toward the mother. And I knew… intrinsically, I knew… she would let me squeeze his leg. Because women don’t fear other women. When it comes to children, not like the corporate ladder or dating, but… she knows I’m not creepy and I mean that baby no harm. That’s something we can trade on as women. Women aren’t scary. Late at night, if a woman’s walking toward you, you don’t cross to the other side. I mean, you do if she’s, like, “Purple hippo!” When you’re in an elevator and a woman gets on, you don’t clutch your purse and back up a little. Women aren’t scary and women aren’t creepy. That’s an important thing to remember. No matter what we get faulted for, and we’ll get faulted for a lot, things like aging, things you can totally control. No matter how much weight you gain, how many wrinkles you get, no matter how opinionated you are, no matter what you become as a woman, women are welcome around public parks and children’s birthday parties. Always. I could go to an elementary school right now in a hospital gown, with a raccoon on a leash… and the children would be, like, “You have a weird dog.”  + diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8d5f8e1928bf970d4984b1f9e920fda0b77bdf76 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I wipe the sweat from my brow, I calm myself and say to the woman, “Excuse me, hi. I need to squeeze your baby’s leg.” She was, like, “Absolutely! Get in there! Get in there! His name is Charlie.” She gave me his blood type, his social security number… There’s an art to squeezing a baby leg. You’re not actually squeezing. You’re taking your pincher fingers, and you’re putting it like this, and lightly oscillating… allowing the fat to rapidly undulate… so fast it looks like a fluid motion, not unlike the flapping of a hummingbird’s wings, okay. This is how I give a hand job. Baby leg! Any pressure you would apply to said leg, you divert up to your back molar, and you grind it. When you feel enamel starting to break down, that’s how you know you gotta get out of there, okay. You know you’re at maximum capacity for cuteness when you start making thinly veiled threats to the child. I’m going to eat that leg. I’m gonna bite that nose! The mom was into it! She was, like, “Eat his fucking leg!” I’m gonna eat that leg. “Bite his fucking nose!” I’m gonna eat that nose! Everyone’s into it, except the kid who’s being the adult. He’s, like, “What the fuck is this?” Baby leg. diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..28049023ec4d909a17b5b6d94d8908be4fea5842 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m telling jokes. Those things don’t go together. He’s always been respectful of my job, he’s never asked that I not go, not go to work, that I not take a gig. The only thing he’s ever asked that I not do was a couple of weeks ago, we were getting ready for bed, and I came out, dressed, and he looked at me and went, “Babe. Love you. Can you not wear men’s basketball shorts to bed?” And I was, like, “Interesting request. Proceed.” He goes, “Uh… Love you. Think you’re beautiful. It’s just that… I’m not as attracted to you and I don’t really want to have sex with you… when you’re in men’s basketball shorts.” I was, like, “Oh… that’s the idea! Thanks for the ring, fucker!” He’s sitting in the back, like, “We fuck. I mean…” diff --git a/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7c1d48fb59f07070d8121f9a93e766cd8c00b9fe --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/IS_EM_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Whatever you have as a woman, whatever your body looks like, girls. However bad you think it is pales in comparison to the look of 100% of… scrotums! What is that? What the fuck is that? Why is this not the topic of every State of the Union address? Why is this– how come– my thighs can’t touch, but you have two dead baby birds, hanging. Sir, bat-like. Hanging. Sometimes so low, they’re in the toilet water. Hanging. Every guy here is laughing, smiling, or not making eye contact with me. Because it’s never occurred to men to question their bodies. Every guy is, like, “Why wouldn’t you want this on your face for free?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5b8a4af0045dd4b0943a16e60af82dd89a60eae7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Good evening. Hi, I’m John Mulaney, nice to meet you. Jon Brion, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to see me at Radio City Music Hall. I love to play venues where if the guy that built the venue could see me on the stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it. Look at this. This is so much nicer than what I’m about to do. It’s really… It’s really tragic. What a historic and beautiful and deeply haunted building this is. I keep walking through cold spots being like, “I wonder who that used to be.”I’ve never seen a ghost, by the way. I asked my mom if she’d ever seen a ghost. That’s where we’re at conversation-wise in our relationship as a mother and son, because I’m 35 and I don’t have any children to talk about and she doesn’t understand my career. So I was home for Christmas and we were just eating Triscuits in silence and I was staring at the floor and I was like, “Well, here goes nothing. ‘You ever seen a ghost?'” And my mom said, “Yes.” Which is the best answer. She said, “I never told you this before but our house, when you were growing up, was haunted.” I said, “Say more right now!” She said, “Outside you and your brother’s room, I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown and then she would walk down the hallway and then she would evaporate.” And then my dad said, “Let’s change the subject!” And I think he was just doing that dad-thing of, like, “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.” But the way it came off was that he definitely killed that little girl. “Let’s change the subject! Why are we even talking about Penelope… or whatever her name was? I didn’t kill her! Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world.” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e893417c645c395fb9e494976e6cc79d24925e82 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My dad is so weird. I’d love to meet him someday. You know, my friend was telling me that his dad used to beat him with a belt and that’s just the setup to my story, so… Forget about that poor son of a bitch. Anyway… He was talking and I was waiting for him to be done so I could talk. So he’s “talk, talk, talk.” It’s my turn next! And…I said, “My dad never hit us.” My dad is a lawyer and he was a debate team champion. So he would pick us apart psychologically. One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, because I had to be. My dad goes, “How was school today?” I said, “It was good but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw.” “And where were you?” “I was over on the bench.” “And what did you do?” “Nothing. I was over on the bench.” “But you saw what happened?” “Yeah, ’cause I was over on the bench.” “So you saw what happened and you did nothing?” “Yeah, ’cause I was sitting over on the bench.” “Let me ask you this. In Nazi Germany…”…when people saw what the Nazis were doing and did nothing, were those good people?” “No, those are bad people. You gotta stop the Nazis.” “But you saw what they were doing to Tyler and you did nothing!” “Because I was over on the bench.” And then my dad said, “Just explain to me this. How are you better than a Nazi?” And then my mom said, “I made a salad with Craisins!” And the conversation ended. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..71090a87d1559147150b76ed24473bc1729c8828 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My dad’s a very weird, informal guy. A lot of people ask me if he gave me a sex talk. Yes. I think. I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, “Hello… [chuckles] Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney. I’m your father.” And then he said the following, “You know,  Leonard Bernstein… was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.” [audience laughing] Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that. And I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer. But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like years later, I’d be in college about to go down on some rocking twink and I’d be like, “Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?” I’ve never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..be65843c339d645f8b2fbeacddc17fa23b26d280 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I love doing stand-up for crowds because this right here, this reminds me of assembly in grade school. And assembly was the only part of school I ever liked. Once you leave school, you don’t get to have assembly. This is the closest we get in adult life to assembly. ‘Cause look at you all, you’re just sitting there in chairs, looking at a guy with absolutely no expertise, who’s going to talk for a while. Although this is different than assembly because you bought tickets, you knew this was coming. Assembly you never knew was coming when you were a kid. You just showed up at 8:00 a.m. and they were like, “Put down your stuff. Go to the gym.” You’re like, “God, I guess they’re finally going to kill us all. All right. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big assholes.” You get to the gym and the whole school is sitting on the floor. You’re like, “What are we, about to graduate from Tuesday?” My principal would always come out to kick things off. She’d be like, “Children, rather than continue to teach you how to read, we have cleared the entire day for this random guy.” [imitating New York accent] “I used to smoke crack! As you seven and eight-year-olds probably know, freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man. But I’m here to tell you there’s hope. I’ve been sober now two weeks. Well, weekdays, not weekends. Weekends, that’s Nunzio’s time.”I was once in assembly listening to a guy talk about smoking crack. My social studies teacher yelled at me, “Sit up straight! Show some respect.” I was like, “He’s smoking cocaine.” “Sit up straight”? He’s standing on a 45-degree angle. Or, as junkies call it, first position. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2f56d781e75a34bf9908604f051b0716d706a780 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I always got yelled at at assembly. That’s right. There was always assembly and then, like, that second assembly to yell at you for how you behaved at the first assembly. They’d be like, “Get in here! Sit down. I want to talk about what happened yesterday.” You’re like eight years old, “What’s yesterday?” “We invite a woman here with homemade puppets to teach you about bullying through skits and you laugh at this woman? We noticed you had all been bullying each other and making fun of everything constantly. So we invite a woman with straight gray hair, in a denim dress, with a wrist-cast and homemade puppets that all have the same voice to teach you about bullying through skits, and you, ha-ha-ha, laugh it up. What was so funny about that woman? I want to know. What was so funny about when she couldn’t fit the box of puppets back into the trunk of her Dodge Neon? What was so hilarious that you all ran to the windows? Well, you all missed a valuable lesson on the danger of cliques.” “What’s a clique?” “It’s when a group of people hang out together.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” “No, because these people make fun of other people.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..893e26a2be7e13738d20bfb439a3ed41b4eebb15 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. Yeah, the hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies. You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don’t know and you are told this by an adult that you don’t know. We had the same Stranger Danger speaker every year when I was a kid, his name was Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Go ahead and laugh. His name is ridiculous. That was his name. It was JJ Bittenbinder. He was from the Chicago Police Department. He was a child homicide expert and… -[audience is silent] -Oh, gee. [audience laughing] Very sorry, Radio City, did that make you uncomfortable? Well, guess what? You’re adults and he’s not even here. So try being seven years old and you’re sitting five feet away from him. He’s still got blood on his shoes. And he’s looking at you in the eye to tell you for the first time in your very young life that some adults find you incredibly attractive. [audience laughing] And they may just have to kill you over it. Okay, c’est la vie, go be kids, go have fun. Bittenbinder came every year. By the way, Detective JJ Bittenbinder wore three-piece suits. He also wore a pocket watch. Two years in a row, he wore a cowboy hat. He also had a huge handlebar mustache. None of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that. He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti. But, instead, he made his living in murder. He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..92f8137b61025c9567a9227fef3f4c50ff680378 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +“Okay, tip number one. Street Smarts! Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you.” You remember the scourge of muggings when you were in second and third grade. You know how a mugger thinks. “Man, I need cash for drugs right now. Hey, maybe that eight-year-old with the goddamn Aladdin wallet that only has blank photo laminate pages in it will be able to help.” “Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you. What do you do? You go fumbling for your wallet. And you go fumbling for your wallet. Well, in that split-second, that’s when he’s going to stab you. So here’s what you do. You kids get yourselves a money clip. Okay, you can get these at any haberdashery. You put a $50 bill in the money clip then when a guy flashes a blade, you go, ‘You want my money, go get it!’ Then you run the other direction.” And our teachers were like, “Write that down.” [audience laughing] We’re like, “Buy a money clip. Engraved, question mark?” You go home to your parents. “Hey, Dad. Can I have a silver money clip with a $50 bill in it, please? Don’t worry. I’m only going to chuck it into the gutter and run away at the first sign of trouble. The man with the mustache told me to do it.”“Tip number two. Street Smarts! Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk…” This was at nine in the morning. [audience laughing] “Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic. [chuckles] Once you get your bearings… find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on.” Can you imagine driving behind that? [imitating a thud] I think they’re turning left. [audience laughing] diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0b246df9cffafee92fc23124187adda350045a2e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.” Bittenbinder, he didn’t want us to not get kidnapped. He wanted us to almost get kidnapped and then fight the guy off using weird, psych-out, back-room Chicago violence. Like here’s what he wanted to see on the news. “We’re here with seven-year-old John Mulaney who fended off a kidnapper earlier today. How did you do it, John?” [imitating heavy Chicago accent] “Well, thank ya for askin’. I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm. Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I never seen that before.’ I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and your kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’! Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.” “Well, that was seven-year-old John Mulaney, currently being sued for police brutality.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a4755a9a27b71be562be012d3e603f78e578ec38 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Bittenbinder told me things that haunt me to this day. He came one year for assembly. He goes, “Okay, when you get kidnapped…” Not if, when. [audience laughing] “Okay, so when you get kidnapped, the place where the guy grabs ya, in the biz we call that the primary location. Okay. Your odds of coming back alive from the primary location, about 60%. But if you are taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.” I am 35 years old and I am still terrified of secondary locations. If I’m at a place, I never want to go to another place. I’ll be at a wedding reception and someone’ll be like, “You coming to the hotel bar after? We’re all gonna get drinks and keep the party going.” I’m like, “Nah, sister. You’re not getting me to no secondary location. You want it? Go get it!” Street Smarts! Stay alert out there. I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood. In high school people were like, “What are your top three colleges?” I was like, “Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”I went to college. For the whole time. Holy shit, right? I just got a letter from my college, which was fun ’cause mail, you know? So I open up the letter and they said, “Hey, John, it’s college. You remember?” I say, “Yes, of course.” And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..42bbfffd34cdb7ceeb745b56a93038c2f6e2a2af --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I went to college. For the whole time. Holy shit, right? I just got a letter from my college, which was fun ’cause mail, you know? So I open up the letter and they said, “Hey, John, it’s college. You remember?” I say, “Yes, of course.” And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!” +“As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money.” I found this peculiar. You see, what had happened, New York, was that when I was a student, I had paid them tuition money. Every semester, two semesters a year, for four years. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but rounding up, back in 1999 dollars, it was about $15,000 a semester, two semesters a year, for four years. So it was about $30,000 a year for four years. So it was about $120,000, okay? So roughly speaking, I gave my college about $120,000. Okay, so you might say that I already gave them $120,000 and now you have the audacity to ask me for more money. What kind of a cokehead relative…What kind of a cokehead relative is my college? You spent it already? I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you fucking spent it already? Where’s my money? I felt like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life when he’s screaming at his uncle Billy. [as Jimmy Stewart] “Where’s the money? Where’s that money, you fat motherfucker? Where’s my money? Stay down on the ground, you motherfucker!” That’s not the dialogue. But do you remember that scene from It’s a Wonderful Life? Great movie, Frank Capra, 1946. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars! I have friends I went to college with and they’re like, “You should donate and be a good alumnus.” And they wear shirts that say “school” and it’s like, look… if you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not going to do anything else for you. It’s done. In their letter they were like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.” I was like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me. I thought our transaction was over. I gave you $120,000 and you gave me a weird cinder block room with a Reservoir Dogs poster on it and the first real heartbreak of my life, and probably HPV, and then we called it a day.” Probably. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ea0f5a6cd6061c5104ad338a383ae67323ff809c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +That’s the worst use of 120 grand I can possibly fathom. Other than if you, like, bought a duffel bag of fake cocaine. No, I take it back. That’s a better use of the money, ’cause I know you’d be disappointed when you open up the duffel bag and you realize it’s not real cocaine, it’s like powdered baby aspirin or whatever they do. But at least you have baby aspirin. And maybe you have a baby and one day your baby goes, “Oh, my head,” and you go, “Hey, I’ve got something for you! Come here, little guy.” And you dump it out on a mirror. You make it nice for the baby. You make it nice. You cut it up into lines with your laundry card or whatever and you make it nice, and your baby takes his sippy-cup straw and he holds it in his little ravioli-sized baby fist and he leans over– [snorts] and he snorts up the baby aspirin, and he gets rid of his baby headache, plus you get a duffel bag! [audience laughing] That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, in a gown, to accept a certificate for reading books that I didn’t read.Strolling across a stage, the sun in my eyes, my family watching as I sweat vodka and ecstasy, to receive a four-year degree in a language that I already spoke. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6a51c29c2cc43a420d672b105ec3cb056aba3f31 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t mean to sound down on donating. [chuckles] It’s good to give to charities, you know. My wife and I just gave a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. We were moving apartments, we had a bunch of clothes and furniture, so we made a whole day out of it. We made these big piles of clothes, we put the piles into these big boxes, then we put the boxes into the back of my car, and then they stayed there for four months. And then one day my wife said, “Hey, you took that stuff to Goodwill, right?” And I said, “Of course I did! On an unrelated note, I’m going to walk out the front door right now.” So then I had to speed to Goodwill really fast. It was charitable, but it was also fast and violent, because I was throwing boxes at people. The boxes were so heavy I couldn’t even say what was in them. I was like, “This one’s shirts. I got a bunch of shirts! Take ’em away!” The guy tried to give me a big receipt. He’s like, “Take this receipt for the clothing for your taxes.” How do I write that on my taxes? “Dear IRS, please deduct from my federal income tax one XXL Billabong T-shirt from youth. It was too big. My mom said it could be a sleep shirt. Please deduct this from my 2017 income.” That sleep shirt bullshit. “Well, if it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep shirt.” No, I get that, Mom, but why don’t we just tell our relatives that I’m a four-year-old boy and I don’t wear a man’s XXL T-shirt? “Because we don’t say that when someone gives us a gift because that would not be polite.” Oh, I get it. So rather than violate these meaningless politeness rules, I’ll just go to bed in a smock like goddamn Ebenezer Scrooge. Why don’t you give me a candle for looking in the mirror and a floppy hat and I’ll tremble off to bed in my long Victorian nightgown? Was there ever even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..25e9fdece98af9a0b36844c3e31e729dfabf2bc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I’m kidding.I like to throw an “I’m kidding” at the ends of jokes now, in case the jokes are ever played in court. You ever heard a joke played in court? Never goes well. They’re like, “‘And that’s why you shouldn’t give… to charity.’ Is that something you find funny, Mr. Mulaney?” Um… at the time. [chuckles] I found out recently that jokes don’t do well in court. So, some friends of mine were sued in college for property damage. And they were guilty. And the lawsuit dragged on for years and years and eventually I got a call when I was 28 years old. It was my friend from college, he said, “Hey, that lawsuit with my neighbor is still dragging on and my neighbor just subpoenaed all my emails from college that mention him or the lawsuit.” And I said, “That’s crazy. But why are you calling me?” And he said, “Because you should be concerned.” +He said, “I have an email here from junior year where I wrote, ‘Hey, guys, I’m going to miss practice tonight because I have to meet with my neighbor about that lawsuit thing.’ And you replied, ‘Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you. Okay. See you at improv practice.'”Of all the sentences in that email I would be ashamed to have read out loud in a court of law, I think the top one is “See you at improv practice.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..051eb3e15930f84708f5971a00aa947877d7bd37 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Strange, the passage of time. I’m not that old. I’m 35, that is not old. But I am in a new phase right before old called “gross.”I never knew about this, but I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. [chuckles] Like the back of a dolphin, my back. I am slick. The butt part of my pants is a little damp a lot and I don’t think it’s anything serious… but isn’t it, though? And… I’ll be sitting at a restaurant and I’ll get up and I’ll be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me. I’m gross now. I’ve been talking through burps. I never used to do this. When I was a kid and I wanted to burp, I’d be like, “Silence!” Blagh! Now I’m trying to push ’em down and muscle through ’em. I’ll be at dinner, just doing the bread and the seltzer, filling up like a hot air balloon, and then I’m like… [belches] “Did you say you were going to Italy? Because we have a travel– She has a travel agent if– [exhales] I’m going to the kitchen, does anyone need anything? From the… [belches] Anyone need anything?” Just take a pause, John! I’m gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s how much I hate that shit. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2bef50b7d68521199286346723d3a980f8031664 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like… [groans] You know, life. And my wife was rubbing my shoulders, which was very nice of her, but then she started singing to herself. “Monkey, monkey, monkey man.”“Monkey, monkey, monkey man.” Not at me. Not to be mean. This was a song from deep in her subconscious. I don’t even think she was aware she was singing it. But it was certainly not the first time she had sung it. I don’t know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2386b58e885589c2774affb255b65ca72320f121 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +And it’s not getting any better. I’m 35, but I’m still like, “Hey, when am I going to get big and strong?” This is it. It’s just going to be this. I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. As I get older, it’s tough to not get grumpy. It’s tempting. I get grumpy about some things. Like, I can’t listen to any new songs because every new song is about how tonight is the night and how we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re in Dallas on Wednesday? Okay. Well, Let’s Just Not See Each Other for Eight Months And It Doesn’t Matter at All.” + + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ef24e1486c75c40a5e7ca29546ef7c99a850ec1e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I’m trying to stay nice though, because when I was a kid, I was raised that you should be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. But now, at the end of my life, I don’t know, because a lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world. Or maybe they have different definitions of what it means to be nice. That’s something you figure out as you get older and meet new people. Not everyone thinks the same things are nice. You learn that especially when you get jobs. I had a very weird job in my mid-20s for about four and a half years. I was a writer right across the street over at  Saturday Night Live. It was very exciting. Yeah.It was great. I loved it. If you haven’t seen the show, you gotta check it out.They have a host and a musical guest. Oh, my God, you’re going to love it. Real quick tangent. Okay, my favorite host ever introducing a musical guest was this. The host was Sir Patrick Stewart, the great Sir Patrick Stewart, and this is how he introduced the musical guest. “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!”Like he was surprised by Pepa. Like minutes before they’d been, “Sir Patrick, we can’t find Pepa anywhere.” And he’s like, “If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone!” And they were like, “Three, two, one,” and Pepa burst through the door and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and… what’s this? Pepa!” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a016ffd141d9bf9a4fd62041a4134339159c2306 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird. Your suspicions are correct. And they would all come in to Saturday Night Live and they’d have to meet with me because I was a little rat writer and they’d have to talk about the sketches. They’d sit on my office couch that had like bed bugs and stuff. It was great. Like, they were famous, but it was my couch. It’d be like if you went into your childhood bedroom and Joe DiMaggio was sitting there. Yeah, he’s Joe DiMaggio, he’s a legend, he had sex with Marilyn Monroe, but only you know where the bathroom is.Everyone always wants to know if famous people are nice. Like Mick Jagger. He came in to host the show. My friends were all like, “Is he nice?” No! Or maybe he is… for his version of life. Because he has a very different life. He’s Mick Jagger. That’s his name. He’s played to stadiums of 20,000 people cheering for him like he’s a god for 50 years. That must change you as a person. If you do that for 50 years, you’re never again going to be like, “Um, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow?” None of that bullshit way we all have to talk to get through life. [in plaintive voice] “Hi. Knock, knock. Sorry.” That’s how I walk into rooms. I am 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, “Hi. Knock, knock.” I say “knock, knock” out loud. Mick Jagger didn’t talk like that. Mick Jagger talked like this. He’d go, “Yes! No! Yes!” I pitched him a joke and he went, “Not funny!” diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9036a39598195d1913cba41429d258ad5aa7fa51 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I mean, people say that on the internet, but never to your face does a British billionaire in leather pants go, “Not funny!” I spent two hours alone with Mick Jagger that week. We were writing song lyrics, it was for a fake song in a comedy sketch. And he was sitting there, and we came to one point and he goes, “All right, ‘Let’s all go to the picnic, let’s all have a drink.’ Let’s see, what rhymes with drink?” And I said… “Think?” And Mick Jagger said, “No!”And then I said, “Sink?” And Mick Jagger said… “Yeah!” And I was like, “Motherfucker, is this how you write songs? Just one word at a time with verbal abuse?” “All right, ‘I can’t get no…'” -Happiness? -“No!” -Satisfaction? -“Yeah! All right! Next sentence! Space bar. Indent. Space bar.” Mick Jagger would go like this, “Diet Coke!” And one would appear in his hand. Now that’s not nice, right? The way I was raised, you’re supposed to say, “May I please have a Diet Coke, please?” And then maybe you will get one. And I bet all of you were taught to say please and thank you. But if all of us could go, “Diet Coke!” and one would appear in our hand, we’d do it all day long. Even if you don’t like Diet Coke, you’d just summon ’em so you could chuck ’em at oncoming cars. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..81e791d9290bea215e518839614b0dae69c5b2e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Famous people are often rude because they’re used to getting things really quickly. I bet a lot of us are pretty polite. But as soon as we get things quickly, we start to get ruder and ruder. Look at technology, it’s faster than ever and we’re ruder than ever. People walk around on the phone now, “Hello? You still there? Lost him.” And that’s it. No follow-through with that guy. Fifty years ago, if you were on the telephone with your friend and suddenly the line just went dead, that meant your friend was murdered. The phone used to be a big deal. It was a long, polite process. Back in the 1940s, the phone was like a wood box… with a thing on it. I don’t know. It had its own room. You’d go, “That’s the phone’s room!” And it was expensive. You’d wait all week to make your call. “It’s almost Tuesday!” And then you’d take the cup on the string or whatever… There weren’t even numbers. You’d just go, “Hello? Anyone? [yells] Anyone in the world?” Then you’d go, “Operator, ring me Neptune 5-117.” And the operator was a real person that you had to be nice to. She’d be like, “One moment, please. I’m putting wires into a board filled with holes to move the voices around, ’cause it is the ’40s.” And it took like 90 minutes. Now people just drive around screaming at their phones like… -Call home! -“Calling the mobile for Tom.” Not fucking Tom! [imitating Mick Jagger] Not funny! + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3b63a9bbd8137323ecb2f3e71e98e7b6ae973be7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Everything was slower back in the old days ’cause they didn’t have enough to do, so they had to slow things down to fill the time. I don’t know if you read history, but back then people would wake up and go, “God, it’s the old times.”“Shit, I gotta wear all those layers. There’s no Zyrtec or nothing. Okay, we gotta… We gotta think of some weird slow activities to fill the day.” And they did. Have you ever seen old film from the past of people just waving at a ship? [audience laughing] What if I called you now to do that? Hey, what are you doing Monday at 10:00 a.m.? All right, there’s a Norwegian Cruise Line leaving for Martinique. Here’s my plan, you and me get very dressed up, including hats, and then we wave handkerchiefs at it until it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ac274f4db1909b95aa17ae92fa8d1528bca398e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers, the world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them that we’re not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. May I see my stuff, please? [grumbles] “I smell a robot. Prove, prove, prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look, mortal, if ye be. You look and then you type what you think you see. Is it an “E” or is it a “3”? That’s up to ye. The passwords of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” Fucking what? + + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2c61a363616a493e2edaa04ebf608b7294b5d568 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +I just like old-fashioned things. I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff. +Yeah. One day… Well, it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo, and… +Tere was a plaque on the gazebo and it said, “This gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That is in the middle of the Civil War. And the whole town built a gazebo. What was that town meeting like? “All right, everyone, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here. Okay, everyone’s husband and brother and… everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?” “Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walk into the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain, but you still want to hold hands? Well, may I introduce you to, and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo!” [audience laughing] Building a gazebo during the Civil War, that’d be like doing stand-up comedy now. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ab8b1998d7a13c2cbe6441c35603d1c42d3cc865 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I’ve never really cared about politics. Never talked about ’em much. But then, last November, the strangest thing happened.Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time. I try to stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.Here’s how I try to look at it, and this is just me, this guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what’s going  to happen next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a horse loose in the hospital. It’s never happened before, no one knows what the horse is going to do next, least of all the horse. He’s never been in a hospital before, he’s as confused as you are. There’s no experts.They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, “We’re joined now by a man that once saw a bird in the airport.” Get out of here with that shit! We’ve all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse loose in a hospital.When a horse is loose in a hospital, you got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, “What’d the horse do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, “The horse used the elevator?” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d0413479d7b77a95b5a4630bb55bc968b4c0eaff --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Sometimes, if you make fun of the horse, people will get upset. These are the people that opened the door for the horse. I don’t judge anyone. But sometimes I ask people. I go, “Hey, how come you opened the door for the horse?” And they go, “Well, the hospital was inefficient!” [audience laughing] Or sometimes they go, “If you’re so mad at the horse, how come you weren’t mad when the last guy did this three and a half years ago? You’re beating up on the horse when the last guy essentially did the same thing five years ago.” First off, get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, “It’s tomorrow now!” Get the fuck out of here with your technicalities. Just ’cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting. That was fun when we watched Beetlejuice tonight. “Don’t you mean last night? It’s after midnight.” Why don’t you get your sleeping bag and get out of my house! Take your EpiPen, take your goddamn EpiPen and get out of my house!But when people say, “How come you were never mad at the last guy?” I say, “Because I wasn’t paying attention.” I used to pay less attention before it was a horse. Also, I thought the last guy was pretty smart, and he seemed good at his job, and I’m lazy by nature. [audience cheering] I’m lazy by nature too. So I don’t check up on people when they seem okay at their job. You may think that’s an ignorant answer but it’s not, it’s a great answer. If you left your baby with your mother tonight, you’re not going to race home and check the nanny cam. But if you leave your baby with Gary Busey… diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..970a0b88759899799f34e36779022fba8bbe8daf --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +When I was a kid Nazis was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. [audience laughing] Now there’s new Nazis. I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that. These new Nazis, “Jews are the worst, Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life.” It’s like, “You know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that, how do you know all that?”I’m allowed to make fun of my wife. I asked her and she said yes. [audience laughing] I’ve been married for about three and a half years now -and I was going out on tour.Thank you very much. And I love and respect my wife very much. So I said to her, “We’ve been married for three and a half years.” And she knew that. I said, “Do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage? And my wife said, “Yeah, you can make fun of me. But just don’t say that I’m a bitch and that you don’t like me.” I was like, “The bar is so much lower than I ever imagined. That’s it?” Also, I wouldn’t say that. What kind of show would that even be? Hello. My wife is a bitch! And I don’t like her! That’s like a support group for men in crisis, with keynote speakers Jon Voight and Alec Baldwin.Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.She is a dynamite, five-foot, Jewish bitch and she’s the best. She and I have totally different styles. When my wife walks down the street, she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..03e54ef4378fcd24dac15e26d0c3299d1092e461 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +My wife and I went to Best Buy to get a TV. We didn’t end up getting the TV. I was afraid that the Best Buy guy was going to be mad at me, so I bought an HDMI cable.I go to the register with Anna, my wife’s name Anna, she’s standing next to me, I hand the guy the HDMI cable. He takes it, he scans it, he says, “Do you have a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No, I wish!”And then my wife said, “Jesus Christ!” And fully walked away from me. Walked all the way to the laser printers and just stood there, Blair Witch style. And I’m still up at the register like…And the guy goes, “Do you want a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No.” Even though I had just said it was my greatest wish in life. I was hoping he’d believe me, that it was secretly my great wish but that I’m in an abusive marriage with little Miss Jesus Christ over here so I can’t ask for the things I want in public but at home, at night, we argue about it and I’m like, “You’ll see! One day I’m going to leave you and I’m going to get that Best Buy Rewards card.” She’s like, “Jesus Christ, you’re never going to get that Best Buy Rewards card!” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..55ae006ee055f2375bfe771a9f099398cdb1a6f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +My wife is Jewish, as I said, I was raised Catholic. We have differences in our religious upbringings and we realized this recently. Not with our kids, because we don’t have any kids. People always ask us, “Are you going to have kids?” and we say no. And then they go, “Never? You’re never going to have kids?” Look, I don’t know “never.” Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.But we don’t have any kids now and it’s great. We have a dog though. We have a four-year-old French bulldog. Her name is Petunia.The idea of people applauding for that little monster. Just… I mean, I would never tell her that you applauded. It would go right to her ego, that little monster who just rubs her vulva on the carpet while staring at me in the eye. [imitates dog snarling] I know her vulva itches and she needs to rub it, but the thumping of the back paws… It’s upsetting. I’m just kidding. I love Petunia very much. She’s one of my most favorite people I’ve ever met in my life. Petunia likes to be very social but she can’t walk very far because she has a flat face, so she can’t breathe by design. But she wants to go out and meet people but we can’t walk her for that long. Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that we bought a stroller for our dog.My wife and I walk around New York City pushing Petunia the French bulldog in a stroller, and it’s a big stroller and it has a big black hood. And people lean in to see the baby. + + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f23d7767c95bf9dfd0e4f6b1ea41562fd82f772f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JB_KGRC_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My family went to church every Sunday when I was a kid. My wife cannot believe this. She’s like, “You went every Sunday?” -“Yes.” -“What if you were out of town?” I was like, “They have them out of town.” I don’t know if you grew up going to church and now you don’t, but it can be a weird existence. Because I like to make fun of it all day long, but then if someone like Bill Maher says, “Who would believe in a man up in the sky?” I’m like, “My mommy, so shut the fuck up!”“Stop calling my mommy dumb.” If you grew up going to church and you have adult friends that didn’t, they have a lot of questions. “Wait, so they forced you to go?” Yeah, I was five, I was forced to go everywhere. No kid is just going to church. Riding by on his Huffy, like, “Whoa! What’s this place? A weird Byzantine temple with green carpeting where everyone has bad breath and I wear clothes that I hate on one of the mornings of my two days off? Let’s do this.”But people get very suspicious. They’re like, “What did they say in there? What do they do? What did they tell you?” I don’t know, it was an hour. That should be the slogan for the Catholic church. “It’s an hour!” It’s a few stories, normally about a guy with a crazy name whose wife has a normal name. “In that town lives Zepheriuses and his wife Rachel.” How come she gets to be Rachel? “On their way to Galilee, Jesus met Enos and Barak and their wives, Kylie and Lauren.” And you’re like, “What? That’s the same joke twice.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_01.mp3 b/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_01.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a73a5943edb1513ece183253aa76fa1af76372fb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_01.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:445e0c0e7c4fc99b75a56b425908149512459b7bf24ff6aab7405a4697dba76d +size 1531 diff --git a/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_02.mp3 b/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_02.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9c5163201e231c8d03d9e2d8ff0103fd115594ed --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_02.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:630ea96876d63aa216ac00de6404fecfb773405ef84580b1823f06afaedec40b +size 1693 diff --git a/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_03.mp3 b/data/funny_text/JC_FB_audio_03.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 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sha256:b3d928f2c0e687419f828ac3ca450bbf92f88522434b079b81e52b492bcc8515 +size 1422 diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..25a73f3e63d88cc175a6ea1565756577c5e3579c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If you saw me eat, you would think there were multiple movies. Are they doing a live action “Shrek?” This guy’s gonna be perfect! I’m wearing my shirt untucked. The untucked shirt. The fat man’s last hurrah. Next stop muumuu. You might see a guy with his shirt untucked and think, “Oh, was he in a hurry? Is he going casual?” But you should know that someone very close to that man saw him with his shirt tucked in, and said, “Don’t do that. “That’s visually unpleasing. You look better not fully dressed.” The untucked shirt, it’s like the male wonder bra. There’s a surprise underneath and… you’re not gonna like it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5c0b211d98514b0a7308d0023f11940f1a1b92fc --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +This is not an UNTUCKit. UNTUCKit, which is a brand of shirt. I do love those UNTUCKit commercials. They present it like some revolutionary technology. It’s a shirt that can be worn untucked. Wow! Like a magic shirt? That’s right. Can other shirts do that? No, this is a special shirt. It goes with our unzipped pants. And our unbuckled belt, and combined with your uncombed hair you can look unemployed. And be unwelcome in restaurants. That’s unbelievable. This shirt is actually a 2XL. That’s right, I did it. Mission accomplished. There should be a moving up ceremony for when you hit 2XL. It is with great pride and slight disgust, that we present this garment roughly the size of a circus tent, to this slob who actually struggles to put on his own socks. He may now burp for no reason at all. I am new to the 2XL community. They’ve been very welcoming. I did some research. You know what the size after 2XL is? Kill yourself. No, it’s 3X! Triple X! That’s pornographic. It’s so fat it’s obscene. Triple X does sound like some fat on fat action. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I’m headin’ there, hopefully by the end of the show. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5e581976ab4ccfa40c9157780d77b8837c708d14 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat abusively for 40 years. And suddenly I’m fat? That doesn’t seem fair. I am now at the size, when I go in clothing stores sales people look at me like, “We got nothing for you. And you can’t use our bathroom.” When I go out to eat, if I order a salad, the waiter’s always like, “Aw. Look at you try.” I’m always afraid he’s gonna gather the whole staff, “The fat pig is trying, the fat pig is trying, I…” I’ve always talked about my weight in my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they’d be like, “Jim, you’re not that fat, you’re not that fat.” But now after shows people are like, “Good show.” “You nailed it.” I don’t care. I like to eat! I like to eat. You know, when you like to eat, what’s weird is people assume you enjoy cooking. (audience laughs) Well, you must know your way around the kitchen. I know where the food is. Well, you must love to cook. Look, I like to sleep. It doesn’t mean I wanna build a bed.The truth is, I don’t like to do anything. Like when I order delivery, I’m kind of annoyed they don’t know what I want already. What, do I have to do everything? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3d52a4b308eeed8b6c692abde17cce54655e5b17 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I did lose some weight last summer, thank you. – Thank you. – I did. I did. Well, I had my appendix removed. But it still counts. I didn’t know what the appendix was, and since I’m an idiot I just pretended like I did. The doctor was like, “We have to remove your appendix,” and I was, like, “Both of them?” Luckily he thought I was kidding. He was, like… (imitates laughing) Ah! I’m so grateful he didn’t call me out. I don’t know what I would’ve said, you know? Like, “There’s only one appendix.” “Oh, ha ha, appendix. I– I thought you said lungs. To me they sound similar ’cause I’m dumb.” I didn’t know what the appendix was, but I don’t feel that bad. The doctor told me science isn’t even sure what the appendix does exactly. Science isn’t even sure why the appendix exists. And I heard that and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian. It is. Think about it. It’s a mystery to everyone. But for some of us, causes excruciating pain. It needs to be removed with a knife. Obviously, I’m not promoting violence, against any of the Kardashians. Just the mother. There’s always one person that gets too into that joke. “Yes, kill the mother. Kill her and smear her blood on my face.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5bb3e33000a74cfb522c7b8db4110b0785a85790 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I think it’s strange science doesn’t know what the appendix does. That means nobody knows. You never hear, “Science doesn’t know, “but Earl has a theory. Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something.” How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community? “Yeah, we don’t know. Well, back to cloning everything.” And they just remove the appendix. That’s the solution. Take it out! We don’t know what it does. And it’s fine. But you know the first time they did it, “We removed your appendix. Let’s see what happens.”I had my appendix removed in Alaska. That’s not why I went there. I was on vacation with my family, and I had this sharp pain in my abdomen, and since I’m a genius, my first thought was, “Oh, I pulled a muscle in my stomach.” That’s what I sincerely thought. See all these muscles? I thought I pulled one… doin’ nothin’. And the pain was overwhelming. I couldn’t move. My wife was like, “I’m gonna go for help, I’m gonna go for help.” But we’re in a remote area of Alaska so she just ran to nearby cabins. Eventually she came back all out of breath. She’s like, “I found a guy, I found a guy.” I was, like, “Oh good, is he a doctor?” She goes, “No.” I go, “Is he a nurse?” She goes, “He’s a lawyer.” I guess he can do my will. So then this lawyer-doctor came over, and started asking me questions, and when you’re in pain all questions are annoying. He’s like, “Do you have a fever?” And I was like, “Are you even a lawyer?” He’s like, “Is it a dull pain?” “There’s nothing boring about this.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..250c2659432d83bcb324b85153e2761ace9ffb95 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Eventually I had to be airlifted on advice of counsel.I was airlifted, which was embarrassing, ’cause unlike a heroic airlift if someone from a natural disaster or a wounded solider, I was just a fat guy with a tummy ache.The helicopter pilot was like, “Wait, your stomach hurts?” “Yeah, it’s real sore.” “Do you know how much it costs to rent a helicopter?” “But my tummy hurts.” I knew it was expensive. I sat on that helicopter the entire ride just holding my stomach and praying, praying, “Please don’t let this be gas.”“Sweet Jesus, don’t let this be gas. ‘Cause if it’s gas I don’t think I can return to my family.”Hey kids, daddy’s back. Had some gas. Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to go to college did ya? It’s a little out of our price range now. We don’t know what caused the gas. It might’ve been daddy’s three breakfast burritos. Pretty much a medical mystery.I was airlifted to the closest hospital. They removed my appendix. They did a good job. I mean, I’m female now. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5e609b453fdceaad83efb1de23a647cb98479ca2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The surgeon who removed my appendix, his name was Dr. Muffuletta. Which is also the name of a delicious New Orleans sandwich. And I do look like a guy who would know that. So when he introduced himself I was like, am I being visited by the ghost of sandwich past? Is Nurse Po’Boy about to come in?I woke up after the surgery covered in Mardi Gras beads.No, I woke up and there was a nurse standing there and she was like, “The surgery was a success. Just let me know if it hurts when you pee,” and I was like wait, where’s the appendix? How exactly did you remove it? This doesn’t sound like a success at all. Then she explained, right before the surgery, they inserted a catheter. I didn’t know what that was so I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then I started piecing it together. It hurts when I pee, catheter. I’m suing this hospital! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer-doctor. What monsters. If given a choice of peeing all over myself, or having a tube inserted in my penis… I’ll take the pee shower. I guess I’m old fashioned, you know?Checking out of the hospital, the desk clerk was so excited. He was like, “You had your appendix removed. I had my gallbladder taken out.” I was like, “We should vacation together. “What are the odds two fat Americans had surgery on their digestive system?” I was released from the hospital the day after the surgery. They gave me pain killers. They also instructed me to do some walking, which I assume was part of the recovery, but it kind of felt like a commentary on my weight. “Have you ever done any walking? “Have you ever leaned forward and let “your legs propel your fat ass? Let’s take a break from your motorized scooter.” And I was in Alaska, so I said this was perfect. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d8dd4b10b915775bcba1f05b0af6cb665e2901d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So I returned to my family, and we immediately went on a hike and it was great. Alaska’s beautiful. My kids were havin’ fun. I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside. And then suddenly we saw a bear, like, 500 yards away, this huge brown bear, like, way bigger then a gummy bear. And I was so excited ’cause I watch nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person so it felt like a celebrity sighting. I was like, “Oh my God, I’ve watched you on Animal Planet. “You’re so much taller in person. Can we do a selfie?” But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death. Like, you never hear, we’re in restaurant, Tom Hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family. That never happens. But the bear was far away, so I took out my phone and I started taking pictures, and then suddenly the bear stood up, roared and looked right at me. Started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth almost like he recognized me. “That guy looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.”I was terrified. Luckily, we were with a tour guide, and I looked at him and he goes, “Don’t worry, I have bear spray,” and I was like, “Do you have anything stronger? “Like a bear gun? “‘Cause I don’t think this bear’s approaching to get his hair done.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..450de3a963a37907536aebc9eed6ff18b5ba9811 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And the bear kept coming, kept coming, and then suddenly the tour guide goes, “Okay, I want everyone to start walking backwards slowly. Walk backwards slowly.” I guess, so the bear could catch up. So we started walking backwards slowly. By then the bear was in a full sprint. I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smelled delicious. I was also sunburned, so I probably looked like a giant land salmon. The bear couldn’t believe his luck, like, “I’m not gonna have to eat for a month.” I was like, “I’m gonna die! I’m gonna be eaten by a bear!” Which is ironic given how many animals I’ve eaten. So I started humming “Circle of Life,” and continued walking backwards slowly. I should point out it’s not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin. We were walking backwards slowly to nothing. It probably looked like we were teasing the bear like, “Come and get it, Mr. Bear. “Are you looking to get a little grisly? Craving a little 2XL are you?” And before you knew it the bear was upon us, and he killed us and we died. Such a bloody mess. No, what really happened, is at one point the tour guide pulled out this thing, it looked like a pen. I was like, “Great, he’s gonna ask for the bears autograph.” And I learned later on it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fire ball went out towards the bear and I was like, “Oh good, something to anger the bear.” The fireball bounced off the bear. The bear stopped and then just ran the other way like it forgot something at home. And we all looked at each other like, “Oh my gosh, that just happened, that just happened.” And that’s a true story. Well, most of that’s true. Well, it’s all true except there was no bear. And– No, there was a bear. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e0288f5626a89ea2210e7989e41f716324e1c764 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I do sometimes lie up here. I’m not proud of it. But sometimes we all have to lie. Like, even when I tell my children not to lie, I’m kind of lying to them. Some people are like, “You should never lie to a child,” and those people don’t have kids. ‘Cause when you have kids, you lie to them all the time. You’re, like, “You wouldn’t like this ice cream, “it’s very spicy. “I’d share but Santa said I can’t. Now why don’t you go to sleep so I can wrestle your mom?”I’m not encouraging lying. I’m just saying there are times when you need to, right? Like if you’re late to meet someone, and you can see that they’re already angry, and you don’t have an excuse, you have to lie. ‘Cause if you told that person the truth, they would never speak to you again. You can’t be like, “Hey, I gotta come clean. I just couldn’t motivate to get goin’.” “I mean, eventually I could. What I’m tryin’ to say is I don’t value your time.”I’ve identified there are two times when it’s socially acceptable to lie. To spare someone’s feelings, it’s okay to lie. It’s also okay to lie to cover up a murder. Allow me to explain. When we discover someone’s a murderer, we also learn they’ve done some fibbin’. But we tend to focus on the murder part. You never hear, “I’m angry he killed that guy, but frankly I’m more upset about the lying.” It’s the dishonesty that bothers me. Some trust has been broken. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cf02d4ab65b10d676e94106c7237e200cacf439f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Speaking of lying murderers, I watch a lot of “Dateline.” I don’t wanna brag. Some other winners out there. If you’re unfamiliar or you have a life, “Dateline” —is a news magazine show like “60 Minutes,” but at one point “Dateline” just went all-in on murder. And it’s usually spousal murder. Like if you watch “Dateline,” it appears most marriages end in murder.Every episode starts the same. They had the perfect marriage. But you know someone’s gettin’ killed. A husband, a wife. Sometimes they’ll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. Like, you took a vow, do it yourself. Anyway, I was watchin’ this one episode of “Dateline” about this guy who murdered his wife. It was gruesome. I was watchin’ with my wife on our anniversary. My wife didn’t care. I mean, she wasn’t thrilled I was taking notes. “What are you writing down?” “This guy’s just sloppy. It’s like he’s tryin’ to get caught.” If anything, this guy’s plan was foolproof. What he did on his anniversary is he threw a party for him and his wife, and they invited all their friends so that they could see how happy they were, and then the next morning he took his wife fishing. He rented a boat, he brought a cooler, some tackle, three concrete blocks and a tarp.You know, for fishing. And he woulda gotten away with the whole thing, but three months after his wife disappeared at sea, he got engaged to a stripper. Which is kinda suspicious. And to celebrate their engagement, they dropped acid, as tradition would have. And while tripping on acid, he admitted the whole thing to his fiance. And she turned him in ’cause she didn’t appreciate the dishonesty. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5afcfe9746a868cb893dea9a1a63c3862a651bbe --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And as the episode ended all I could think is, “I’m a terrific husband.” I’ve never even thought of murdering my wife. Well, I’ve never made plans to murder my wife. Well, I don’t own concrete blocks.I can see some of you are like, “Jim, I don’t like the murder jokes. I don’t like them.” But wouldn’t it be great if in a week, you learned I was a murderer? ‘Cause then you could brag. You could be like, “Oh my gosh, “we were at the taping for his special. And he had all these jokes on murder.” “Were they good?” “Not really, no. He was better at murder than comedy.” If you know me, I would do anything for my wife, and that’s part of my alibi. No, I–I would do anything for my wife, but I’m not a romantic person. I wish I was. There are moments when it’s glaringly obvious. I get to travel so much during stand up. I did a show in Cologne, Germany, \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cf82f9bfbebff3dc5132081a1abc7f1975eb0022 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +and before the show, I was walking over this bridge that went across the Rhine River, and as I walked across, I noticed there were hundreds of locks, hundreds of locks on this bridge, and each of the locks had two initials, and it was apparent that couples had put the lock there as a symbol of their relationship, and I looked at it and I thought, “That’s perfect.” Nothing captures love like a rusty padlock, dangling over filthy water. But it was visually spectacular and it affected me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this. I found myself spending the next hour just kind of looking for a hardware store in this town I had never been in. I spent an hour looking and eventually I found a hardware store. I went in and I bought a bolt cutter.And I went back and I started snipping off the locks. And with each snip I said, “It’s over. It’s over. You’re free.” And people were givin’ me dirty looks. What a grand romantic gesture right? But, you know the first guy who did that was a psycho. Like his partner or girlfriend was not a willing participant. He was like, “You’re probably wondering “why I brought you to the middle of the bridge, “in March. I’m gonna do something you’ll never ever forget.” She was like, “Oh my gosh, are you gonna jump?” “No. I wanna put this lock here. “I’ll put it here as a symbol of our love. “Soon others will do it, and the bridge “will be covered with locks. “But you’ll know that the first lock was the symbol of our love.” And the woman’s like, “Is that my bike lock?” “Not anymore.” “Jim, that’s a sad story.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..470c653c87a981a40f57353fed6caea07ad2e85e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party for a dog. That’s right, I have friends that are mentally ill.I went, I went. It was in my apartment building and I needed the material.And to be fair, the dog was surprised. Didn’t suspect a thing. Dog didn’t know it was his birthday. The dog didn’t know it had a birthday. The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment. It was the dog’s third birthday, which in dog years doesn’t matter.Someone made that up and we just went along with it. Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay. When I see a dog, I’ll do math. That’s not fulfilling some dog need, you know? There’s not a dog sitting in a bar right now going, “I’m not three, I’m 21! I can legally drink!” That’s not how dogs keep track of time. If you have a dog, you know they don’t keep track of time. You’ve left your home, forgotten something, walked back in only to be greeted by your dog like you’ve just returned from war. “You’re back! It’s a miracle! You’re back after I don’t know how long ’cause I’m a dog.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9cd3547696957797933f503a4017d3948e2e2531 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +These poor dogs. We just attach these points of view on these poor dogs. Like dog is man’s best friend. How desperate are humans? We’re best friends, right? Dog’s like, “Well, aren’t we different species?” “But we’re best friends forever.” “You know you lock me in the house all day, “with nothing but a bowl of water. You’d think you’d let your best friend sit on the couch.” “We’re best friends. Now put on this fireman’s outfit. We’re gonna do a photo shoot for Instagram.” “You know sometimes when you sleep, I think about eating your face.”But I get it. I love dogs too. I love animals. We all have a friend that announces they love animals in a way that implies the rest of us are drowning kittens. “Yeah, but I love animals.” Well, that’s a pretty exclusive group of just you and anyone who’s not a serial killer. “Yeah, but I just get along with animals better.” Or humans don’t like you. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..021d7cb201d0c71c6647b6b79837a64941aaceed --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I did have an opportunity to go on a safari, which was unbelievable. It was breathtaking how bad the wifi was.I went on a safari which is just a fancy word for animal stalking. ‘Cause that’s what you do on a safari. You follow animals and watch them. You’re like… Beautiful. It’s a good thing these animals can’t report us to the police. “Yeah, officer, that fat guy in the untucked shirt “followed me for an hour this morning. “I woke up and he was taking pictures of me and my family.“We were naked. Yeah, the guy who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” On the safari, I saw one animal kill another animal, and intellectually I was, like, I don’t wanna see that, but emotionally in the moment I was like, “Get him.” “Kill it!” My kids were totally savage about it. They’re like, “Kill him, kill him! I want blood.”My kids were with me. My kids were poorly behaved on a safari. They’re six and seven, and animals would walk by like, “Savages.”My two youngest are six and seven year old boys, and they’re total savages. They’re constantly picking on me. They’re jumping on me and they pick on me. How they pick on me recently is they make fun of my, what they call my huge boy part. Now before you think I’m walking around the house naked, or in fact have a huge boy part, you should know that, like, when you have young sons, you have to constantly encourage them to use the bathroom, and if you’re a dad, sometimes you pee with them, so that’s why they’ve seen my boy part. But that doesn’t explain why sometimes at dinner, they’ll just point at me and giggle, and go, “Dad and his huge boy part.” I never know what to say. I’m like, “Guilty.” “Got me again. Did you hear that honey?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2bbd0b13917e5063e9784f5c9033c90183d1664b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Lovely weather out there.I prefer the cold to hot. I do. I know that’s surprising looking at me, given I look like a snowman.But I prefer the cold you know? Last summer I was in Las Vegas. It was 114 degrees. 114 degrees. You can actually hear the sun at that point.It didn’t feel safe. I was, like, “Are we supposed to be here?” 114– Like, you’re never at a friends house and, “Warm in here.” “Yeah, I set the thermostat to 114. That’s how I like it. I’m part lizard.”Thermostats don’t even go up that high. Meat thermometers do. I think God is just cooking people in Vegas. “Ooh, that one’s smoking. I love smoked meat.”It was 114 degrees, which was shocking, but not as shocking as how casually Las Vegas residents just went about their day in that heat. It was like…They were like, “Let’s play Frisbee. Time to walk the dog.” I was like, “Get inside! “The Earth is on fire! “Get inside and beg for God’s forgiveness. You’ve obviously angered him!” That’s why Vegas is called Sin City, it’s the same temperature as Hell. I have a friend from Vegas. I told him it was 114. He goes, “That’s nothin’.” I’m like, “No, that’s somethin’. That’s actually the temperature you boil water at.” He’s, like, “It’s not that bad.” “Not if you’re makin’ Ramen.” He’s, like, “That’s our summer.” That’s not summer. Summer is when you barbecue on the grill, not the side walk. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b6b788f33ec109f71c83073ee1c369a37f5b08b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +It’s so weird to be places where summer is the enemy. I was, like, in the southwest, they talk about summer like it’s an ex lover they never wanna see again. “We gotta get outta here before summer gets here. Last year, I couldn’t leave my house when summer was here.”You ever notice the further north you go, the more obsessed people are with summer? Like I– In February, I was in Bangor, Maine, and everyone was talking about summer. Everyone I met, they’re like, “You gotta come back during summer. You gotta come back.” Which is a strange way to greet someone. “Hi, how are ya? Come back later.”And it was everyone. “You gotta come back during summer, you gotta, I’m–” “Yeah but I’m here now.” “Just make sure you come back.” “I didn’t wanna come the first time.”But I love how northern cities sell summer. Like, “Summer here’s unbelievable. It’s perfect. For one twelfth of the year it’s ideal. “Otherwise it’s a tundra filled “with alcoholism and depression. But for those 13 odd days it’s worth it.”I did nothing today. Didn’t feel any pressure to do anything. Some places you feel like a pressure to do something, like St. Louis, “You gotta go see our arch.” “I don’t want to.” “Go look at our arch.” “Why don’t I just go McDonald’s and see two?” San Antonio, “You gotta go to the Alamo.” “I was gonna nap.” “No, you’re gonna stand outside in blistering heat and look at a building.” “Can’t I just say I forgot about the Alamo?” You know who didn’t wanna go to the Alamo? The people who died at the Alamo. I bet their last thought was, “I wish I didn’t go to the Alamo. I thought it was a rental car company.” Can you imagine that level of bravery? 187 Texans fought 2,000 of Santa Anna’s finest Mexican troops and at one point those 180 Texans just decided, “We should just fight ’til we all die.” Like, if I was there I would’ve been like, “Excuse me. I love the idea of Texas too, “but have you tried this Mexican food? “It is delicioso. I propose we remember the guacamole.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1973ed11e65b9b15233b0d052442d4e1d969a1e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Of course Vegas, the big assignment is to gamble. Nobody every admits they gamble when they go to Las Vegas. “You goin’ to Vegas, you gonna gamble?” “No, I’m gonna see shows.” “You’re not gonna gamble at all?” “Well, if I walk by a poker table “I might sit down and lose $10,000. I’m mainly going for the shows.”We don’t like to admit we gamble. People never admit it. They’re like, “I’m not gambling, “I’m just pulling this lever. I like to pull levers. “It’s a good arm workout. “I’m not gambling, I’m just watching these horses run and letting the winner determine if I keep my home.”We are country that loves to bet on horses. Every spring, we track the three races of the Triple Crown, and every spring I always have the same thought. We’re still doing this? Is Woodrow Wilson president? But people love the Triple Crown. The Kentucky Derby, where people bet on horses while they’re dressed like characters from Gone with the Wind. It’s like prom for gamblers. “Do you like my hat? I’m living in my sisters garage.”“‘Cause I have a debilitating gambling addiction. Shall we have another mint julep?”They always announce the winner of each race on the news. You can always tell the horse was named by a guy on his eighth wife. The horse is always named like Viagra’s Revenge. Alimony Be Damned. They show a picture of the winning horse on the news. They could show us a picture of any horse, we wouldn’t know the difference. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with that horse image. It’s not like we’re gonna run into that horse in a bar. “Excuse me, did you win the Kentucky Derby?” “I did, I won the Kentucky Derby. Now I’m in a bar, enjoying a Heiferweizen.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0940d715ca680ade0d447584191be2c12a853a13 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +There is the classic photo of the winning horse right? They’re always wearing that huge horseshoe wreath of flowers they stole from someone’s grave site. Standing next to the winning horse is the owner of the horse, who did not train the horse, did not ride the horse, and based on body language has never really met the horse. There the owner stands, looking like they’ve never paid taxes. Sitting on top of the winning horse is the jockey, who’s dressed like he just came from a local pride parade. They always interview the jockey expecting some insight. They’re like, “How’d you win?” The jockey’s like, “I whipped the horse and it ran.” It’s very rare for a horse to win all three races in the Triple Crown, mainly ’cause they’re horses and they don’t care. Mostly they just want someone to stop whipping them, ’cause they’re horses. I didn’t know this. After the Triple Crown, all those horses retire. They retire at the age of three. It feels early. They retire and then they’re sent out to stud. Those horses get paid to have sex, which in some ways is better than winning the Triple Crown. That’s like the quadruple crown. That’s gotta be an adjustment for those horses. Like, “Hey, remember when we whipped you “and we wanted you to run? “Well, now when we whip you, we’re gonna have you do something a little different.”“How many horse jokes is this guy gonna do? I never thought I’d miss a murder joke.” There’s a lot more horse jokes. And if you haven’t noticed, I know nothing about horses. I don’t horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable, and it’s not the 1800’s. I’m sure the horses aren’t thrilled either. They’re like, “Why am I carrying you around? I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..14651c6c60defab5dc8e27840a6e1b7f733adf47 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But people like to horseback ride. I have a friend, she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is ’cause she loves horses which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something. Making it carry you around on its back. I mean I love my Great Aunt Katie.I’m not gonna make her carry me around on her back. Not anymore, yeah.I don’t even know why we have to specify that it’s horse-back riding. (audience laughs) Are there people like, “Hey, you wanna ride a horse? What part?”“The part that looks like a seat, the back.” “Oh good, ’cause I’ve done horse-ass riding. That was painful, I kept fallin’ off.”I should probably tell you, the rest of the show is all horse jokes. “Is he serious?”There are different types of horses.“He’s gonna keep going isn’t he?” No, there are breeds of horses, right? Which is different from horse breeding. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two horses breed, but that’ll keep you awake at night. If you’ve never seen two horses breed, do not YouTube it. Do not YouTube it and print out still images. Don’t do that. Don’t affix your face on one of the images and show your wife and think it’s funny. She won’t think it’s funny. But that says more about her then you. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..dde1f06cabaadac0635f1534ab317f541a5f2628 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +What was I talkin’ about? Horses.It’s strange how we treat horses. We give horses shoes. I don’t even know if horses need shoes. You never seen a horse in the wild walking around like, “Ow! “Ow! I wish I had some damn shoes!” We give horses shoes that are metal. Metal. That’s worse then Crocs. That must be hard to shop for right? “Do you have anything in metal but not a slip on? Something I can nail to my foot.” That’s what we do, we nail it to their foot! And when we’re not doing that, we’re literally tossing the horseshoe around as a game. The horse must be like, “What the hell are you doin’ with my shoes? It probably looks like we’re taunting the horse. “Hey, horse, why don’t you come and get your shoes? “Why don’t you go and grab it? Oh, you can’t, ’cause you don’t have hands!”The horse shoe, a symbol of luck for everyone but the horse. I don’t know if this is true. Someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud, some female horses will wear high heel horse shoes. Makes them more confident. “I’m gonna be payin’ for this later on. Oh, and I’ve been on my feet all day.”“That’s gotta be the end of the horse jokes.” Horse people, and I’m not talkin’ about people that are half-horse, half-human, which are centaur’s and they don’t exist… anymore, right? No, people who own horses will tell you that the horse can’t even feel the nail going in their foot. Not that anyone’s ever heard a horse go, “That’s fine, hammer away. Next time glue, just don’t tell me where you got the glue from.”Oh, that was too edgy? There’s no horses in here. There’s not a horse in the front row goin’, “Hey, take it easy on the glue jokes. I’m gonna–” I love how some of you look for it. “Is there a horse out there?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9002b5cbc2e0f29e783d041fcac5ff0c94c2f8f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +It’s strange how we treat horses, you know? The most shocking way how we treat horses is when they break their leg, we shoot them. That’s a harsh medical plan. And someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is ’cause it’s unlikely the leg will heal properly, and I was like, unlikely? So there’s a chance? Can you imagine how stressed out horses must be? Like, “I stepped on a branch. “It was a branch, put down the gun! Look at the branch, it’s a branch!” Even if they’re injured they’re like, “I’ll walk it off, I’m gonna walk it off. “Put the gun down, jeez. “You guys, anyone? “Have you ever heard of Ben Gay? What’s goin’ on? Put down the gun!”I can see on some of your faces, that you would frankly prefer if I did more horse jokes.Okay.It’s odd, how we treat horses ’cause we live in this era where we treat our dogs and cats as family members. People are always trying to get their dog on an airplane. You know it’s just a matter of time before someone brings a horse on a plane. “Are you kidding me? “This is my therapy horse. He keeps me calm on the flight.” “We’d like to welcome our Silver Medallion members to board. “And anyone traveling with a farm animal, “you can board at Gate 47. Feel free to grab some sugar cubes that we’ve…”Horse power. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6788337ff6761fe28f41311d0fe8b0c046ff21a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Horse power is so different from girl power. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, “You go, horse!” Hey! Hay is what horses eat.Okay, I can tell at this point there’s probably one or two, or 300 of you, that are frankly annoyed by the horse jokesAnd I want you to know that your annoyance gives me pleasure. All right, you know what? That’s, that’s– No more horse jokes. I promise, I promise. All right?Anyway, um… ponies… are completely different.Here’s the problem with doing roughly 10 minutes of horse jokes. Besides the audience hating you for the rest of their lives. It’s for the next couple minutes you will all be like, “Is there a horse joke comin’?” Or you’re gonna be like, “He coulda put a horse joke in there. “He didn’t use the reference ‘giddy up.’ Why wouldn’t he put it in there?” But I want you to put the horse jokes aside. Put them in a barn. And I’m gonna talk about something else. Maybe. No, it’s over. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f670422ebb62d82233a7718a6fcaf977512015de --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I– You know, as I mentioned earlier I did some shows in Europe and I only bring that up to try and impress you. But I flew over. Really the only way to get across the Atlantic. You rarely run into someone who’s like, “You know what? I paddle boarded. It was a great arm workout.” I flew over. That transatlantic flight wipes people out. People are a mess. They’re like, “I need a day. I need a day.” The flight doesn’t sound that hard. It’s like, “Oh, it was brutal. “I had to sit and watch two movies. “I felt like I was being water boarded. I need a day.” I was flying back, 3,000 miles, seven hours. We landed. The guy sitting next to me was like, “That took too long.” It used to take six weeks, on a boat, if you survived. That’s how long it took Columbus to get from Spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. But you know, once Columbus got here he was like, “I need a day. I am so boat-lagged. “Give me a day and I’ll get right down to murdering and plundering.” “Jim don’t bring up Columbus, you’re too white.” But Columbus, that’s part of our history right? Columbus ushered in all these people that came to the western hemisphere, and some of them did bad things.But humans have done bad things throughout the world. Like in Australia the way some of the settlers treated the aboriginals, it was not nice. It was not a g’day. In fact it was a series of bad days or bidet’s. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f9fb840db0d15990b3e1f33ba3445fa142b8041d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +In New Zealand, the settlers shared the land with the native people, the Maori people, a very noble warrior-like people, but the Maori weren’t even the first people in New Zealand. The first people in New Zealand were the Moriori and then the Maori came and ate them. Not even makin’ that up. That’s the most intimidating thing you could do to your enemy, right? Like, “Oh, you’re gonna kill me?” “Yeah, and then I’m gonna grab some mayonnaise.”“What are you gonna d– Oh!” Could you imagine those initial English settlers in New Zealand? ‘Cause the British had conquered the world. They had colonies on every continent so by the time they got to New Zealand they were like, “We’ve done this before. Let’s meet with the locals and take over.” So they met with the Maori and they’re like, “So what happened to these Moriori people, did you kill them?” And they’re like, “Yeah, and then we ate them.” The English were like, “We were thinkin’ “we could share the islands. “You wanna share? You’re not hungry now are you? “You know what? Get ’em some shepherds pie. Tell ’em it’s made out of shepherds.”“Jim even makes colonialism about eating.”They were cannibals. By the way, at one time, all human civilizations were cannibal, which means back then it meant something different when someone said, “I’m craving Indian or Thai.” I can see how you wanna be offended, but there’s no reason.When I was in Europe, I tried all the local specialties, you know? Norway, I tried reindeer meat. I was in a Norwegian butcher shop in January, and they had a sale on reindeer meat, and nothing says Christmas season is over,quite like a sale on reindeer meat. It’s gotta be a tough day for Santa. “I wanna thank all you reindeer who helped this Christmas. “Great job. Now when I call your name, come with me into the smokehouse.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..dcc96b89e80bad64259932cf569d21a84fbfd1f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +France, I ate so much cheese. So much delicious French cheese, and I feel like I’m still digesting it. My delicate American body couldn’t handle the French cheese. And it’s not like I don’t eat cheese. Most of you are looking at me like, “We think you eat cheese. We think you might only eat cheese.” But the French, they eat cheese on a whole other level. In France, they make eating cheese an official course of the meal. So you’ll eat an appetizer, then you’ll eat an entree, then for no reason at all you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese, then you eat dessert. After that, you go to the hospital. And of course, I’ve eaten chunks of cheese before, just not in public. Or with pants on. Eating chunks of cheese, that’s something I’m usually caught doing. My wife’s like, “What the hell are you doin’?” “Nothing honey!” I remember the first time I had the cheese course, I’d eaten an appetizer, I’d eaten my entree and I started eating my cheese course, and I heard my heart say, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to anger you?” My brain took over. “It’s all right, it’s all right. “There’s gonna be some sweating. “Bowels, you can take a couple weeks off. Appendix, get ready to blow.” Tried so many delicious French cheeses, and I couldn’t tell you the name of one of them. And they would tell me the names. They’re like, “This is From the region.” And I’d be like, “So not cheddar? “‘Cause I tried cheddar. “You guys get cheddar over here yet? I like me some cheddar.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..801d45a068588b149a3bb198cd98030e441fe090 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Some of the French cheeses I tried were goat cheese, or as the goats call it, cheese. They’re not caught up in your cow cheese bias. You know, when I see cheese I don’t even see an animal. I just see something my body can’t process. I like goat cheese. I’d never looked at a goat and thought, “I bet that would make good cheese.”How do we even get to the point of goat cheese? Was someone like, “This cow cheese is good, but see that dog that looks like it smokes meth?”“Can someone try and milk it? “I got a hunch it would make cheese that would great with beets.”Those Europeans, they have a different approach to dairy. When they make a sandwich in Europe they put butter on their bread, they put butter on the bread, and then mayonnaise. Ugh. That’s like putting on contacts and glasses. Butter on the bread of a sandwich? That actually sounds like something Americans would do that Europeans would criticize us for. “Those American pigs, when they make a sandwich, “they put butter on the bread. No wonder they fat pig.” That’s a good impression of absolutely every European. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4ef24e701a2da6ea13fce0a8c6e1a1ed6c17cf33 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I did love doing shows over there. You never knew what was gonna work. Sometimes there’s a language barrier. There’s different references. There’s famous people in other countries we’ve never heard of. I was doing this show in Ireland before. I was doing the sound check before the show, and the sound guy was like, “Do you have any special requests?” And I jokingly said, “Well, I’ll probably close my show by singing Raglan Road,” which is a famous Irish folk song based on a famous Irish poem and the sound guy was like, “Ooh, I don’t recommend that.” And I was like, “Well, I was kidding but why?” And he goes, “Well recently Billy Joelle did that.” And I was like, “Who’s Billy Joelle?”And he goes, “You don’t know who Billy Joelle is?” I was like, “I’m from another country, “I don’t know who’s famous here. “What is it, Superman’s dad? I don’t know.” He goes, “Billy Joelle is from America. And I was like, “Oh my gosh, there’s an American who’s famous in Ireland that I’ve never heard of.” He goes, “Billy Joelle, Piano Man. Uptown Girl.” I was like, “Oh, you mean Billy Joel.”He goes, “No, it’s Billy Joelle.” For a second I thought, “Maybe he’s right.” This wouldn’t be the first time I discovered I mispronounced someone’s name for my entire life. In my mind I started going through every conversation I had on Billy Joel. I’m like, “Did anybody else say Billy Joelle? When I said Billy Joel, did anyone look at me strange?” Then I remember, you know who pronounces it Billy Joel? Billy Joel. And at that point the opening act had come in, and he was also from Ireland, and I said, “Hey, this sound guys calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle. And the Irish comic goes, “It is Billy Joelle.” I was like, “Is everyone crazy in this country? What, there’s no one in Ireland named Joel?” And he goes, “Yeah, we call them Joelle.” I was like, “Well then, what would you call someone who’s actually named Joelle?” He goes, “You mean like Billy Joelle?” Stop it. No. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e08126c9a5160a95db3d8f2fd9dd6881f2371a29 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I loved Ireland. I spent two weeks there. One of the weeks, I was in Donegal, which is a county in the northwestern part of the Republic, and I had noticed something. Everyone in Donegal has a washer and dryer, but nobody uses their dryer. They’re like, “That won’t be necessary. We’ll just hang that out to dry.” And I was kinda skeptical, but I was staying with friends, and they offered to do my laundry, so they took my clothes and they washed it, and they hung it out to dry, and I was kind of impressed ’cause after only three days… my clothes were still wet.‘Cause what they’ve yet to realize is it rains every day in Donegal. It’s like living in a shower. But my friend, she was so proud of the line drying, she goes, “Isn’t that just better? Doesn’t that smell glorious?” Meanwhile I’m holding a wet tee shirt. “Yeah, this is great. I can just pretend I got off a log ride.” “There’s nothing better than waking up on a cold morning and putting on a wet Billy Joelle tee shirt.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7204780413b965fe764bab99ff0b822c589fe35a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My kids were with me in Amsterdam. I brought my kids to the Anne Frank house. I told some friends that and they were like, “Aren’t your kids a little young for the Anne Frank house?” And you know what I learned? They are. They’re too young. But I wanted to bring them, you know? It’s an important place I want them to learn. So I brought them. We were standing outside the Anne Frank house, and I said, “This is a special somber place. “This is where Anne Frank, her family and some friends “hid from the Nazis for two years, “and they couldn’t speak during the day, “and Anne also wrote this diary. So let’s be respectful.” My six year old raises his hand and he goes, “Do they have video games here?” And I said, “I’m gonna need you to be quiet, for the rest of your life.” I bought tickets online to the Anne Frank house. I Googled it. The Anne Frank house has a Google rating of 4.4 out of five stars. Who’s giving the Anne Frank house a bad review?t’s like, “Yeah, it wasn’t that fun. It was kind of crowded, and there were no video games.”Why do we feel the need to review everything? Nobody’s going to Anne Frank’s house looking for hot dogs. “Well, I misread it. I thought it was Anne’s Frank house. I was gettin’ ready to have me an Amsterdam dog.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3b85d23181977c12b848e03616e73ffffc31f387 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +When I travel with my kids, we always try to do one educational thing a day. It usually involves going to a museum, and museums are great, they’re important, but they’re also exhausting, right? Acting like you’re interested in that crap.There’s so much pressure to be impressed in a museum. It’s like “Ooh, look at that kids. “Wow, that’s a, well that’s a water fountain. What do we got over here?” And I’ve been to all kinds of museums. I’ve been to children’s museums, which are really just museums of diseases your kids can get from other peoples kids. It’s like, “Why don’t you go over there and see if we get the chicken pox.” In Stockholm, I brought my kids to a ship museum, the Vasa Museum. It was a ship museum, but it only had one ship, so it felt more like a ship garage. But that one ship, the Vasa ship, sunk on its maiden voyage in Stockholm’s harbor in the 1700’s, which is not good, but that’s the largest attraction in Sweden. Most countries, their big attraction is a design marvel like the Sydney Opera House or the Eiffel Tower, but Sweden was like, “Here’s our boat that didn’t float.”“This is why we make furniture.” “That, ironically, floats.” Often the museums are art museums. Those are the most intimidating, right? ‘Cause in art museums, they tell us what is the good art. We have no say in the matter. “That’s good art.” “Oh, okay. I’ll take your word for it.” They treat everyone like a child in an art museum. They’re like, “Don’t touch anything. Nobody touch anything.” I wasn’t gonna. Now I kinda want to. Often the museums are art museums. Those are the most intimidating, right? ‘Cause in art museums, they tell us what is the good art. We have no say in the matter. “That’s good art.” “Oh, okay. I’ll take your word for it.” They treat everyone like a child in an art museum. They’re like, “Don’t touch anything. Nobody touch anything.” I wasn’t gonna. Now I kinda want to.Recently after a show, someone came up to me. They’re like you know, it’s not pronounced Van Gogh, it’s pronounced Billy Joelle. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_33.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_33.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..14232bfb8f9de331d85c8cec7a0d7f52f0cad64d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_33.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I do find it hard to leave art museums, mainly ’cause I can’t find the exit. Great, another room filled with paintings of ugly Dutch people. In the 1600’s they painted every ugly Dutch person. “Hey, you’re hard to look at. Can I do your portrait?” (audience laughs) “Makin’ that hay look good aren’t ya?”Fine art, sometimes I feel like it’s wasted on me. You know like the Mona Lisa? We’ve all seen the Mona Lisa. The most beautiful smile in the world. The most beautiful smile. I’m like, “Have you seen Halle Berry?” Heck, have you seen Chuck Berry?I don’t even know if Mona Lisa’s smiling. To me it looks like she’s, just came from the dentist. She’s like, “Mmm.” “Novocain’s wearin’ off.”Art museums will occasionally ask if you’d like to become a member. “Would you like to become a member?” “Uh, how, how often would I have to come here?”I think I can only pretend to be interested once.There’s always people sketching in an art museum. I always point them out to security. I’m like, “Copying.” Got a forgery happening mid forge.Those art museum security guards you know, they’re important. Some of that art is priceless. Some of it’s on loan. You see that next to a painting. On loan from a rich person. “The poor people may look at my art. But don’t let them get their peasant fingers on it.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_34.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_34.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cbf3d46aafde23d645ace866e0025fa498932a06 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_34.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + Some of that art is priceless.Recently, a Da Vinci painting sold for $450 million. 400– What room do you put that in your house? “I put that in the game room.” It was a Da Vinci painting, Salvator Mundi. It was a painting of Jesus, but it’s not like Da Vinci even knew what Jesus looked like. He painted it 1500 years after Jesus walked the earth. So he was just guessing. He’s like, “I don’t know. He’s got brown eyes probably? I don’t know.” He probably just painted someone he knew. You know back in the day they’re like, people are like, “What, is that your nephew Eddie?” Da Vinci’s like, “No, that’s Jesus.The savior of the world.”“Eddie is wearing the same outfit as him.” “That’s a coincidence.” So many paintings of Jesus right? But there’s really two types of paintings of Jesus. There’s Jesus as an adult, or Jesus as a baby. There’s no teenage Jesus. There’s no acne Jesus, with the beginning of a mustache.“Jim, you’re going to Hell for that.” And you sound so dumb right now. That is my worst fear is to come across like an idiot, and you guys are like, “You should be terrified then.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_35.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_35.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4a6e6fc1429abccb609d3cc60fa18cf28387d9fe --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_35.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I mostly get nervous when I’m talking to really smart people. You ever been talking to someone, and you hear yourself not make sense? But instead of stopping, you just keep talkin’? “You know what? I’ll pull it together at the end. Oops, that might not have been a word.” That’s usually the moment where I make eye contact with my wife. She’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m trying to make you look good.”Here’s how dumb I am. When someone’s criticized on social media for being stupid, I get nervous. Like, “Oh, they’re comin’ for all us dummies. Probably gonna start with a spellin’ test or somethin’.”The kids aren’t with me, but if we’re really quiet we can hear them screaming in New York City.When I travel without my children, in between those moments of guilt, are just hours of happiness. I mean, I love my kids. I just love them more when I’m not with them. And when I travel without my kids, I do nothing. I’m so productive when I travel with them. When they’re not here, I do nothing, and then I’ll do nothing all day and then I’ll call home and my saintly wife will just pick up the phone, and there’ll be chaos in the background. And she’ll be like, “What’d you do today?” And I’ll be like, “What’d I do? “Well, I got up. Did that a couple times.”“Enough about me. What about you?” And she’ll put my kids on the phone. They’ll be like, “Third grade’s hard,” and I’ll be like, “It gets so much worse.” School is hard you know? I try and be supportive in the morning. I’ll be like, “Look, I know you don’t wanna go, “but just remember, I never have to go to school again. Anyway, off you go. I’m gonna nap.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_36.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_36.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d738ccbe3577a23d96b9c859271416b95986b52b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_36.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t know. I wouldn’t wanna be a kid. I like the age I am. I wouldn’t wanna be a teenager. I wouldn’t wanna be in my 20’s. I like being 30 years old.I try and schedule tours around school breaks, you know? Like at Christmas one year, I did a bunch of shows in Florida, and my wife and kids came down. My wife’s family also came down ’cause they didn’t want us to have a good time. I’m kidding. I love my wife’s family. Did that sound believable? I do love them. They’re my in-laws. That’s a strange term, in-laws. “Are you related?” “Uh, legally. In a court of law.” In-law, it’s like the opposite of being in love. We’re in law. We law each other. Very much. In-laws are like family you’re assigned. It’s like, “You wanna spend your life with that person? You gotta take those 10 people.” “All of them?”My only issue with my in-laws is there’s too many of them. My wife is one of nine children, so every holiday all nine of the siblings and their individual families all get together and spend every moment together. Over Christmas, I went to a movie with 30 people. I didn’t even know that was legal. We were walkin’ around, people thought we were from a church. To put it in perspective Jesus only walked around with 12. I learned very quickly I don’t wanna do anything with 30 people. If I was on the Titanic and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people, I’d be like, “You guys go ahead. “I don’t want to be there when you try and decide where to eat lunch.”Oh, but it was more than 30 people, ’cause sometimes those 30 people will invite other people. So you’ll have conversations and someone will be like, “I’m your wife’s uncles best friend.” Oh, there’s a term for that. Stranger.You’re a total stranger. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_37.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_37.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d8c608d77f7b2337c445453c0a7e890b436914cd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_37.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I do love my wife’s parents. Their names are Louise and Dominic so I call them Louise and Dom. My wife’s siblings, some of them have gotten married and their spouses, some of their spouses call Louise and Dom Mom and Dad ’cause they’re weirdos. No, I understand. Sometimes you marry into a family and become so close to the parents that you wanna call them Mom and Dad, but don’t.It’s weird and confusing for the rest of us. Wait, that’s his mom? He married his sister?What state is he from?This is, by the way this is all prosthetic.After the show it comes off. I just air it out and it’s like, I feel so free when I get it off, you know what I mean? It’s getting harder and harder to motivate to exercise. In your 20’s, you’re like, “I wanna be with someone physically fit, so I’ll be physically fit,” and in your 30’s, you’re like, “I wanna fight off aging,” and in your 40’s you’re like, “It’s over.” And now I’m at the point where I look at morbidly obese people and I’m like, “They seem happy.” That’s one way to live a life. I used to exercise to lose weight. Now I exercise so I can continue to fit in cars. It’s still a fitness goal. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_38.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_38.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6dbfacbe433fc257c1c9dafc5dbe315cbef6bbcb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_38.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’ve been in better shape in my life. I go in and out. It’s been awhile.Not last year but the year before my big accomplishment is I ran the New York City Marathon.Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Half of you are, like, “No, you didn’t.” I did, you bastards, all right? I ran and completed. All right, fine, I didn’t.But I thought about it. Which I guess is technically different then running it. It turns out I couldn’t run the New York City Marathon ’cause I didn’t want to. Which is the main reason I don’t do a lotta things. I just rarely admit it. It’s like, “Hey, Jim, why didn’t you come to my birthday party?” “I didn’t want to.” We never really reply to invitations that way. “Don’t wanna go. Completely available, just not interested.”“Really wish I wasn’t there, so I won’t be.”I know people who have run the New York City Marathon. They always bring it up. They’re like, “Yeah, I ran the New York City Marathon.” I always ask, “Did you win?” “No, but I finished.” “What place you come at?” “I don’t know.” “Sounds like you came in last.” “Really what you’re saying is you lost the New York City Marathon.” “If I were you I wouldn’t bring that up.”But that’s why some people run marathons so that they can say, “I ran a marathon.” Which to me is not a good enough reason. Heck, I can say I ran a marathon. In fact, earlier I did. It didn’t feel good, it felt dishonest. I guess what I’m trying to say is marathon runners are liars. All of them. It’s too far. It’s way too far. 26.2 miles, that’s too far to run, jog or frankly drive. Let’s be serious. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_39.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_39.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5ebdd424a00e62a29fd97abb6e29a6248dfbcaf1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_39.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But you know what? I’m not a runner. I’m not a runner. Half of you are like, “We never thought you were. At this point we’re not sure if you’re a walker.” But running is huge right? There are stores just for runners. There’s magazines dedicated to running. “Runners World,” a magazine all about running, and if you thought running was boring, wait ’til you read about running. (audience laughs) At this point, is there any information we don’t have on running? Oh, you’re supposed to use your arms when you run. What? I think I’ve been runnin’ backwards. No wonder I keep losin’. The runners high. I’m sure that’s not a myth. Let me get this right. You’re confusing exhaustion for high? Have you ever been high before? How can you confuse, “I can’t breathe” with “Joy?” The runner’s high. Has anyone ever used that as an excuse? Sorry I ate all the chips. Runner’s high. Hey, I ran a 10K in high school. I think I’m still high.But there’s running, and then there’s running a marathon. You know you have to pay to run a marathon? What? For the New York City Marathon you have to pay $250 to run by yourself 26 miles. That’s some S&M stuff there. That’s like the subplot of a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. You gotta pay that up front. It’s not like there’s a toll system. Like we’re on 13 mile. What is this a chip reader? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_40.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_40.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..57fff613dfe7f2272e2cc1a04469794de8e19dd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_40.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You ever see the beginning of a marathon? All there runners line up in their voluntary prison number?And then someone shoots a gun. Red flag. And the runners disperse like Godzilla’s approaching. Ah! Why is there a weapon involved in a foot race? Whatever happened to someone saying “go?” All right let’s review how we’re gonna start the marathon. We’ll get all the lemmings lined up there and then without any warning, Cooter will shoot his .357. In the air this time, Cooter. Then we’ll just sit back, count the money and watch some of them soil themselves.You ever see the winner of a marathon? They do not look healthy. They look like they were forced to run a marathon. Like it was some negotiation as part of ransom. I finished, I finished! Now can I have my children? I ran 26 miles, I drank my own urine, I’m wearing a tin foil blanket. What’s going on with my kids? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_41.txt b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_41.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0c1c2d68323f5ba14e0e7dbda655e8ba56bd2a89 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JG_QT_text_41.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Of course I respect people who run marathons. Heck, I’m impressed by the people who pass out water at marathons. I always look at them, I’m like, I couldn’t do that. Probably gotta get up early, then you gotta find cups. Then there’s passin’ out all that water. My arm’s just sore thinkin’ about it. At least those people are doing something at the marathon. You ever see the rest of the people watchin’ the marathon? They’re like. What is going on in your life, if you’re watching strangers run a marathon? I suppose some of them are there supporting friends. I wouldn’t want that. I don’t even want someone to see me in a hurry. That seems like a big request of a friend, right? “Hey, can you watch me run 26 miles? Only take your entire Sunday.” You can only watch someone run part of a marathon. It’s not that big of a commitment. It’s like, “You can do it, you can do it! All right, I’m goin’ to brunch.”But you could watch someone run a marathon. You can’t go into a health club and watch someone on a treadmill.“Excuse me sir, what are you doin’?” “I’m supportin’ that lady.” “Do you, uh, do you know her?” “Not yet, but I brought her this lock for the bridge.”All right, that is all for me. Thank you very much.This was so fun. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..59ec23850637de204d4795234cf216c1bc57186d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Thank you. That was way too much. I feel like, I feel like everyone’s aware that that was too much. There was definitely a moment where collectively everyone was like, I think we’re overdoing it, a little bit. Appreciate it. That was nice. Some of you, I felt like that was more about you than it was me. To be honest, I felt like a couple of you were like, I’m gonna be the guy, I’m gonna, you’re gonna hear me. At least four of you are like, I can’t wait to watch this. ‘Cause I’m gonna point out my voice, going hey! That’s fair. Good to be here in New York. I said that like I am visiting, I live here. It’s nice to live here. I travel all the time, every week. I hate flying, I get very anxious when I fly. I’m not afraid of a crash. I’m afraid of a conversation. That’s what I hate about flying. I was on a plane the other day, the guy next to me, was like, what do you do? And I was like, I mind my own business on airplanes. First of all, you’re sitting too close together to have a conversation. The guys shouldn’t make eye contact. We’re just staring at each other from this distance. I’m like, I could kiss you without using a neck muscle. That’s how close you are. +[audience laughs] +I was on a plane the other day. The guy next to me was eating a lollipop. Don’t you think that’s an inappropriate airplane food, a lollipop. It’s too noisy, he’s like. [slurps] I was like, sir, you’re turning me on. Could you relax a little bit? They don’t even sell lollipops at the airport. That’s a from home lollipop. That guy got a lollipop. He’s like, I’m gonna hold on to this until I fly. I wanna make sure I have that three inches from somebody’s ear. I don’t even know where you get a lollipop, by the way, outside of a bank and a doctor’s office, they don’t sell them, do they? If you gave me $10 right now and you were like, go get me a lollipop. I would come back a week from now with my shirt torn and be like, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know. I hate everybody on every plane. We all hate each other though. That’s not exclusive to me. We all hate each other. You know, everyone hates each other on the airplane. ‘Cause as you’re boarding the airplane, everyone just stares at you, dead in the face. angrily, the whole flight’s, just. That’s the only time as a society we’re not looking at our phone. Everyone’s like, let’s put our phones away and look upset at everybody else on this airplane. I hate it, but I do it too. I’m just as guilty. As soon as I sit down, I’m like this fucking idiot getting on the plane. What! diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..52654f59c49702e26a4f67b08618e14a3cb9c0ec --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Back there. It doesn’t matter where are on the plane. You feel better than everybody behind you, don’t you? You can be in the second to last row. This one guy behind, you’re like what a fucking idiot back there. Embarrassing, loser. Last row. I was on a plane the other day. I hated the guy behind me. He kept yawning out loud, the whole flight. Am I a psycho or is that annoying? The whole flight he’s like. [yawns] For like five hours. [yawns] I wanted him to die, I swear to God. I was like, hope this guy passes away on the flight. First of all, you don’t need to make a noise when you yawn. That’s a decision, he’s deciding to do that. It’s like, if you were hungry on a plane, you were like, I’m hungry. Well you’re all right? Yeah, yeah I’m hungry. I like to let people know when I’m hungry. I think it’s important for people to know that. People who yawn out loud, they want attention. That’s why they’re doing it. They want you to be like, “Oh, my God, are you tired?” And they’re like, I am, here’s my entire life story. of how I came to be tired. Don’t fall for it, it’s a trap. Plus isn’t it fun to not ask somebody a question when they really want you to ask them a question? You ever do that when someone was like, “I had a wild night last night.” and then you’re like, “Neat.” And then you just walked away. That’s like one of my favorite things to do. Just tell me your shitty story. Don’t make me ask for it. I flew recently, I was at the airport, La Guardia airport, here in New York, that’s my home airport. I was walking through the terminal. They were playing “Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses at the airport. That’s a weird airport song. I’m a rock and roll guy. I love Guns N’ Roses, I’m cool. But it’s a little much at the airport. I’m walking to the terminal. I just hear like. Du du du du du du du, aah! I’m like hey, can we cool it down a little bit? It’s 7:30 AM. I’m eating a muffin, looking for an outlet. I don’t think we need to rock this hard. Also it’s a little unnerving to be boarding a flight. And hear, “You’re gonna die!” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..07144f0b762668f7803b0baa62b61d64da132004 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m like, shit, am I? If they play “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” next, I’ve never flying again, I’ll take the bus. I do fly every week though. Pretty much literally every week. I get upgraded a lot. That’s the nice thing about flying all the time. I got upgraded recently, my wife and I, both of us, like we have two tickets in first class, but they’re not together. We’d have to separate you. Is that okay? And I was like a 100%. I feel like that won’t to hurt your feelings. I love my wife, I’m joking. I love my wife, you gotta take first-class, if you can get it. They’re gonna be like, we’ve two tickets in first class but you have to get divorced to have them. I would be like, baby, we had a great ride. I loved it, come on let’s get comfy. It was cross country, first class though. That’s the real deal shit. That’s where your seat turns into a bed. It is weird to get separated from your wife on one of those. ‘Cause they put me with like a random fat guy. I don’t wanna make fun of him for being fat ’cause some of you are fat, but he was so fat. He was coming into my seat. Like we were flushed shoulder to shoulder and then we slowly ease back into bed together. And then we chose the same movie and I was like, this is the most romantic date I’ve ever been on. I’m like, if this guy makes a move, I’ll bang them right here, I don’t give a shit. We got blankets, turbulence “When Harry met Sally” is on, it’s nice you know. At one point on the flight I got up, I looked over, my wife had her own guy that she was in bed with. And then he was like the hottest guy in the plane. And that pissed me off. ‘Cause I was like, I want that guy, switch guys! You take this piece of shit. I want the hot guy, I paid for these tickets. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5dc8ec4be3b138571c990442ad68476bc06d09b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I like watching movies on the plane. We all do that right? I like Delta, I fly Delta. Delta is the best airline. They have the best movies on Delta. I don’t know who categorizes the movies at Delta. I don’t think they’re doing a great job. I was on a flight the other day. I went to the classic section and “The Hangover Part Two” was under classics. I swear to God, it was “To Kill A Mockingbird”. “It’s A Wonderful Life.” And “The Hangover Part Two”. Classic. I remember the first time I saw “The Hangover Part Two” my grandfather showed it to me. It was on Turner Classic Movies and we watched it on his black and white TV. Really bonded. That wasn’t the most egregious though. The most ridiculous one I went to. This is true, you can check my Instagram account. I went to documentary and the movie “A Quiet Place” was under documentaries. I don’t know if you remember that movie. That was a summer blockbuster horror movie where monsters kill you if you make a sound. Somebody at Delta watched that movie and was like, this is an amazing documentary. Holy shit. How did I not read about this in the papers? I’m glad somebody documented this. +I’ll tell you what I like to do though. I bet a lot of you guys do this. I like to download a movie, bring a laptop on the flight, download a movie. Then you can just choose any movie you want, but you can use, you gotta use some discretion ’cause everyone around you can see the movie you’re watching. So you don’t wanna get too weird with it. Like, one time I brought the movie “Casino”. You guys all remember that movie? Great movie from the 90’s, Scorsese, right? Very violent. If you haven’t seen the movie, at one point in the movie, a guy has his head crushed in a vice and his eyeball pops out. I looked over, there was a seven year old child just staring at my laptop. He looked horrified. I felt so bad. I was like, you know what? Take an ear, bud, it’d be better with sound. If you could hear it. Then he started crying and I was like, are you ratting me out right now? Because I’ll crush your little head in this laptop computer if I have to. diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6bf4ce3012b724b93e79af7bea502b5a521c2e8a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +I was at a plane one time, the lady next to me, she was watching “50 Shades Of Grey” on her laptop. Did you guys see that movie, great documentary. It’s a classic and a documentary really. Very sexual film. I thought she was watching porn at first. I was like good for you lady. Get after it, enjoy yourself. The flight attendant came by and she’s like, “Would you like more pretzels?” I was like more “Napkins, if you don’t mind.” I wasn’t expecting to see tits on the plane. That kind of caught me off guard. We were landing. She’s like, “Could ‘ya put your tray table up?” I’m like, “I’d rather not right this moment.” I’m in the full, upright locked position myself. This is a spicier flight than I’m accustomed to. + +I can’t sleep on the plane. Even with the first class I can’t sleep on an airplane. I don’t know about you guys, my friends, like, “Why can’t you sleep on an airplane?” He acts like, I’m crazy. He’s like, “Why don’t you just go to sleep?” I’m like, “I can’t.” And he’s like, “Why?” I’m like, is that hard to understand? That’s not a normal sleeping situation that’s why. Like, if you went home tonight and you went to bed and there was a jet engine idling outside of your bedroom window, don’t you think you might be like, I’m gonna have trouble sleeping tonight because of the jet engine outside of my bedroom window. And then also somebody replaced your bed with a chair and there were 71 strangers in your bedroom with you and then someone woke you up in the middle of the night to offer you a Coke. That’s what they do on airplanes. It’s like, I know you’re trying to sleep, but do you want a Coke right now? I’m like, yeah, yeah, give me a Coke. I like to break up my sleep with a can of Coke. That’s how I sleep at home. I sleep for four hours. I wake up, I drink a can of Coke. Kind of spice up my dreams a little bit. Sometimes I boil Cola right before bed, little sleepy, time Pepsi. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6b43fedf990bf68e97ac8f0dcc8876b2004dd53d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +I love Coke, I had to quit Coke. I quit Coca-Cola, I still do blow. Obviously you gonna live your life you know. Coke is bad for you, I used to drink it all the time. People would always tell me it’s bad. People love to do that. My friends, people would always say “Coke can take the paint off your car. “What does that tell you?” And I’m like, it tells me not to put it on my car. That’s what I, I’m not putting it on my car. I’m putting it in my body and I don’t have any paint in my body. If I did have paint in my body, I would want to get rid of it. So if you think about it that way, Coke’s actually a pretty healthy beverage. Don’t want paint in your body. If your kid accidentally swallows some paint, give him a can of Coke, send it back out there. He’ll be fine. That’s very healthy. + +My buddy tried to help me sleep on the plane. He was like, you wanna borrow my sleep mask for your flight. I was like, I don’t. First of all, I don’t need a sleep mask. I have a built in sleep mask called eyelids, my eyelids block out the light for me. Also it’s not the lighting. It’s the farts and the announcements is what I’m having a hard time with. + +[audience laughs] + +You don’t need a mask to sleep. Those words don’t even go together. Sleep mask, that’s like a masturbation helmet. It doesn’t, they don’t go together. Honey, have you seen my masturbation helmet and my bowel movement, knee pads. They were with my sleep mask earlier. Now I can’t find any of them. + +I have trouble sleeping at home too ’cause I have anxiety. My same friend, he tried to help me with that. He goes the key to falling asleep. He goes, you wanna keep your body temperature cool. I was like, okay, that makes sense. Then he said one way to do that. You can wear socks and gloves to bed. It’ll draw heat to those areas and cool the rest of your body. It’s like nice. I might try that or I might flick on the air conditioning. That might be another thing. I’ll either wear socks and gloves to bed, like I escaped from an asylum. Or perhaps I’ll turn on the ceiling fan. I might even stick my leg out from underneath the blankets. That’s another way people have been cooling down for several centuries. Good advice though. I might do that in the summer, summertime, you know, I’ll go down to the beach on a hot day and wear a couple of oven mitts and some tube socks. Kinda cool down my torso. You know how a lot of times people wear gloves to keep their nipples cool. Good advice. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fd7fc48fda7ae4d596d758284413924884dee459 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +I try to get healthy. I quit drinking a long time ago, few years ago, you know? ‘Cause sometimes, oh, thank you, I don’t know if that’s a boo. That’s usually a sign that you’re an alcoholic by the way. If you hear someone be like, I quit drinking. And someone’s like, boo. I was getting too wild. Sometimes you get too wild when you’re drinking. You know, sometimes I think there’s like placebo effect to drinking a little bit, you ever think that? You see like a person, they’re acting like an asshole, they’re like it’s the whiskey talking and then you’re like, that’s a Smirnoff Ice and it’s your first one, so I feel like it’s your personality talking actually. I think there’s some placebo effect to alcohol. ‘Cause I haven’t had a drink in years, but I had a cold recently. So I went to a health food store and I got a shot of wheat grass. I don’t even know what wheat grass is, but they put it in a shot glass and I fired it back and I was like, who wants to see my dick? And I kicked over a table. + +[audience laughs] + +I was like, sorry, that was muscle memory. I haven’t drank anything one and a half ounces at a time in a while, I got fired up. I apologize. Give me some vitamins, I wanna snort them up. + +But it’s hard to be healthy, it’s hard for everyone. I’m like on the road all the time. I’m traveling so it’s like hard. Like sometimes I eat McDonald’s ‘Cause it’s the only thing open. And also because it’s my favorite restaurant. I was at McDonald’s the other day I was dining in. It’s funny, right? That’s the term they use. You order your food. They’re like, will you be dining in, like I’ll be eating over there. I feel like, dining feels a little dramatic. I’m going to chew my food in the corner as fast as I possibly can, in the hopes that nobody sees me. I’m not going to cut my burger in half and put a cloth napkin in my shirt, light a candle. + +But I was, I was dining in and the phone rang while I was at McDonald’s. That blew my mind. You guys don’t even seem weirded out by that. Not my phone, their phone, somebody called McDonald’s on the telephone. A human being was at their house and was like, you know who we need to call? McDonald’s, let me get them on the phone. I don’t even know they had a phone. They employees didn’t know. They were like, what the hell is that sound? We have a phone, what! Who calls McDonald’s, I’m like, what are you making, reservations? That must’ve been the breathiest phone call of all time. Just are the new toys in yet? I asked the lady, I was like, what was that phone call all about? She was like, it was somebody complaining about the food. That blew my mind even more. I didn’t know we could complain at McDonald’s. It’s shit food. That’s what you bought. That’s a gamble. I could go to McDonald’s, my burger could be bleeding. I’d be like, that’s hilarious. You guys are crazy, let’s get outta here. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f9c0678764a8d478b540c8140b514e409382240e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +Imagine complaining to a McDonald’s employee. Excuse me, my meal wasn’t great. Yeah, my fucking life isn’t great. Are you shitting me? Go to a real restaurant, asshole, I don’t care. You can complain to McDonald’s. I think, if they get your meal wrong. That’s like one thing you get, you get your meal in the right way, you know? But even that’s not great. You can be like, oh, excuse me, you put pickles on this. I don’t really like pickles and what they do for you. They’ll take the pickles off and they eat them while making eye contact with you and they slide your burger back to you. + +[audience laughs] + +I had a complaint recently, at McDonald’s, but I didn’t complain ’cause I’m a good American goddammit. This is my complaint. I went to the McDonald’s and I ordered my meal. My meal came to $9.89 cents and I paid with a $10 bill. My change is 11 cents and the woman went, “Do you need your 11 cents or no?” I thought that was weird. Once again, none of you are affected by this. I thought that was strange. I was like, well, I would like it. That belongs to me. So typically you would just give that to me at this point, in the transaction, but she was like, “Right, but do you need it?” And I was like, “I don’t need it. “No, I guess not.” And then she was like, “Great, thank you.” She took it out of the drawer, put it in her pocket, and just walked away. And I was like, what the fuck just happened to me? I just got robbed with my permission. That was very strange. It was like a Jedi mc-mind-trick. She was like, you don’t need your 11 cents. I’m like, I guess I don’t, take it. I eat a lot of fast food. I eat Chipotle a lot. That’s like my go to. + +[audience cheers] + +Thank you. But Chipotle, I live here in New York. Now when you go to fast food restaurants in New York city, they have like a secret code on the bathroom door. ‘Cause like they don’t want, if you don’t have a secret code in New York, people will move into your bathroom. They’re like, this is our apartment now. But I don’t know if you know this, when you go to the middle of the country, people don’t wanna live in the Chipotle bathroom. So there’s no code on the bathroom door, which is confusing to us, New Yorkers. Like I was, I was in like rural Illinois recently and I went to a Chipotle and I walked up to the counter and I was like, “Hey, what is the bathroom code?” And the guy had no idea what I was talking about. He was like, “Number one urine. “Number two shit? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8edb43fbe5d133df606c294905e62ec599a3c570 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +Like is that the code you’re asking me for?” I was like, “No, I know that code, of course.” That’s, that’s the most popular bathroom code, of course. Number one pee, number two poo. We all know that. That’s international, that’s all over the world. There should be a statue, or a plaque, to whoever came up with the number one, number two system. I googled it for like three straight days, I couldn’t get to the bottom of who came up with it. I think this though, I think it was a woman. I think a woman came up with it, because, I think woman like to let you know, when they have have to go number two, but they don’t wanna say anything, because it’s not socially acceptable. Like my wife, she lets me know, when she has to go number two. She telegraphs it slightly. This is what she does. She scrunches up her body, and then she whispers, she goes, “I have to go to the bathroom.” + +[audience laughs] + +And I’m like “Did you date a guy that hit you, “when you shit? “What, why do you look afraid of me right now? “Baby I love ya, get in there, let it rip. “Am I putting on an anti bowl movement vibe? “I’m pro shitting. “We can make out while you do it, I like it. “I’m not into shitting, but, you gotta, “gotta get it out there.” + +I’m cool with the bathroom. I have no bathroom issue. I have one bathroom issue. But this is only, I think only men deal with this. At some point, men reach an age, where at some point they start taking their penis out, several feet, before they arrive at a urinal or stall. I don’t like that. I don’t know when that starts happening. Every once in a while I’m in a public restroom, you just see a guy like, “Eh, I gotta take a piss, ugh.” I’m like “Dude, you gotta leave earlier, “or get less complicated pants, something’s going wrong,” It’s not like taking your keys out, before you get to your car, it’s offensive. I think that’s just men, by the way, I don’t go to ladies rooms, but I don’t picture women being like, “Heads up Barbra. “I had too many coffees.” “Whoa, Sue, great labia, my God. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a64a16d2e36b1a0cf135ccfbc62984fe11bb88a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +Anyways, I’m trying to eat healthier, it’s hard. I tried to go vegetarian, for like a week. I was like, let me go one week, detox, vegetarian. I didn’t, I tried. I didn’t do great. I went five days. I ate Spaghetti Os, M&Ms, and Froot Loops, exclusively, for five straight days, and I was like, “I feel like shit, and my teeth hurt, this diet sucks.” I broke the diet by accident, day six I ordered spaghetti and meatballs at a, I swear to God this is true, I’m an idiot. I was halfway through before I was like, you know what, I think there might be meat, in meatballs. I’m gonna, let me just double check on this. I was like, “By any chance, do you guys not put meat, “in your meatballs? “You do. “They’re balls of meat. “Okay, that’s great, thank you. “Do you have any Froot Loops by any chance?” + +I wanna be healthy, I feel like I’m relatively healthy. I went to the doctor recently. I can go afford to go to the doctor now. I still don’t have health insurance, but, like, I can afford a visit. I’m not, this is where I’m at financially. I’m not rich, but here’s where I’m at. I had a big milestone recently. This is my point in life. If I pay for something with a debit card, and it doesn’t go through, I say, “Run it again.” + +[audience laughs] + +That’s like a big moment in your life. Most of my life they’re like “That didn’t go through.” I’m like “That makes perfect sense. “I’ll get the hell out of here. “I apologize. “I hate myself. “I’m gonna move back in with my parents, “don’t call the cops.” But, now I’m like, “No way, that’s all you. “I got 300 bones in there.” + +I went to the doctor, it’s nice to go the doctor, you know. I went to the ear doctor. Most people don’t go to the ear doctor. In fact, so few people go to the ear doctor, they had to combine forces with the nose and throat doctor. That’s one doctor ear, nose, throat. That’s the only doctor that combines body parts. There’s no doctor that’s like, “I’m foot, pussy, forehead. “Those are my three areas.” Well, cool man. He’s like, “Yeah those are my three favorites, “so I just studied those, and now I, you know.” Nice, that’s awesome. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9bf26471bde16b22c78f22e89f8573d7bc428bd3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So I went to the ear, nose, throat doctor, which is a cool doctor. It’s one doctor. He knows all three body parts. I was hoping it was three doctors saving money, by sharing a small office. He’s like, “I’m Bill, this is Susan, and Ted. “Ear, nose, throat. “Who do ya need?” And they all kinda. I went for my ear, I have an ear issue called, , tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. That’s when you’re ears ring. You got it? Yeah, it’s frustrating. It’s when you’re ears ring, or buzz all the time. I don’t know how you say it. I thought it was called tinnitus, but then I watched a YouTube video, and the doctor in the video, he kept saying “tin-uh-dus.” And so I was like, “Oh, I guess it’s pronounced tin-uh-dus.” But then I went to the comments section, and the first comment said, “This guy’s a fake ass fucking retard doctor. It’s pronounced t-ah-n-i-tus.” All caps. And then I was like, “Shit, now I don’t know how to say this word.” This gentlemen is a doctor, he seems very smart. This fella seems, less smart, but, extremely adamant about the pronunciation of this word. Tomato, to-mah-to. However you say it. If you have it, don’t go to the doctor, they don’t do shit. I went to the doctor I was like “Doc, I have uh, tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. “Whatever you guys are calling it. “My ears are ringing.” And then he said, “Okay, I’m gonna test your hearing.” And I was like, “Oh no, that’s okay. “My hearing is great. “I hear everything, plus ringing, so. “I kind of have superpower hearing, if you think about it. “I’m hearing shit that’s not even in the room. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e364fc4e22430f13b8c6bc83a27e44a16ce36997 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +He gave me the hearing test, I passed it. Nailed it. Great hearing. Then he said, “I’m gonna look in your ears, “to make sure it’s nothing obvious.” I thought that was kind of hilarious, ’cause, he didn’t explain what obvious would be. Like he’s gonna look in my ear and be like, “Oh, there’s a tiny alarm clock in your ear canal. “That’s, that’s a very rare condition. “I’m gonna reach in there, hit the snooze for ya. “You’ll be fine, for like nine minutes, but.” He looked at my ear, it was nothing obvious, so, then he was out of things. And he was like, “Well, your hearing is great, “and it’s nothing obvious causing the problem.” And then he said this, he goes, “You have an overbite. “Might have something to do with your overbite.” That was it. No science, no confidence. He just picked out a thing, I’m psychically self conscious about, and was like, “Maybe that? “Could be your small dick also, I don’t know, you have a, “you have a lot of problems, you’re very unattractive.” And I’m like, “Geez, that’s unfair.” I always feel insulted at the doctor. Don’t you feel so vulnerable, at the doctor? Everything he says. He tried to explain tinnitus, he’s like “You have tiny little hairs, in your ear.” And I was like, “You have big hairs in your nose, asshole. “Why don’t you leave me alone, you bully.” Then he said, he goes “I recommend getting a white noise machine.” And I was like, “You’re a white noise machine.” I was like, “What does a white noise machine do?” He goes, “Well that way you’re hearing the white noise, “instead of the sound that you’re hearing.” And I was like, “Right. “The sound I’m hearing is white noise. “Like I have a white noise machine in my head. “That’s the issue. “You’re telling me to get surround sound of the problem, “I’m telling you I have.” That’d be like if you had a bad smell in your nose, and you went to the doctor, and he was like, “Put a little dog shit, on your lip. “Just every morning, scoop a little dog shit, “on your upper lip. “That’s what I would do. “That way you’re smelling dog shit. “That’ll be $8,000. “We don’t take any insurance. “God bless America.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5d6122cfdb4e0a8679cbed56dac6654ceb705d66 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Then I went to the dentist. I’ve been going to the dentist a lot. I didn’t go to the dentist for like 10 years. Don’t skip years. I thought you could just skip over those years, but, they make you make up for the time you missed. I hate the dentist. I love my dentist, personally. Like, he’s a good guy, we’re friends, I love him. But, dentists are the doctor, I trust the least. I think they’re just making shit up. Like cavities, I feel like those are completely made up, by the dental industry. Nobody’s on board with this, but. My dentist is like, “You have a cavity.” And I was like, “Do I? “It doesn’t hurt.” And he’s like “Cavities don’t always hurt.” And I was like, “I don’t see anything.” And he’s like, “You can’t really see cavities.” I was like, “This is awfully convenient for you, isn’t it? “It doesn’t hurt, and I can’t see it, “but you need to fix it? “That’s a little suspicious, if you ask me.” He’s like, “You can ignore it, “but it’ll turn into root canal.” And I was like, “Now I feel like you’re threatening me. “I think you’re making shit up, “and you’re threatening me with it.” And I was like, “Whatever, fill it I guess.” He filled the cavity. I think he filled it. I have no idea. They numb your mouth, you can’t feel what they’re doin’, and you can’t see what they’re doing. So he might have been crocheting. I have no idea what this guy did, but he charged me 500 bucks, which seemed high, you know. And then I went back six months later, you gotta go every sixth months. And this time I needed a root canal. Different tooth. It wasn’t even hurting. He’s like, “You need a root canal.” And I was like, “Which tooth?” He’s like, “Whichever one you want, just pick a tooth. “I thought, I’d make some extra cash for the holidays.” I was like, “Are you sure I need a root canal?” He’s like, “Oh yeah.” He showed me the x-ray. Doctors love to show you the x-ray, as though you’ve read an x-ray, at any point in your entire life. He tosses it up there he’s like, “Take a look.” I’m like, “I don’t know what that is, I don’t. “I read books, and tweets, almost exclusively, I don’t.” And he’s like, “See how it’s all white right here.” And I’m like, “Well, it’s a black and white photo, so. “The whole God damn photo is white.” I was like “I can’t afford a root canal.” I was like, “What are those, like $3,000?” He goes, “They’re not $3.000.” He said it like I was an idiot. He’s like, “They’re not $3,000.” And I’m like “All right, well I’m not a dentist, “and you don’t have a menu with prices on it, okay?” I was like, “How much do they cost?” He said, “$1,800.” Which is a little frustrating, ’cause I feel like I was in the ballpark. It’s not like I said 75,000, I was pretty close. They did the root canal, which was fine, and then afterwards he’s like “Now you need a crown.” And I was like, “How much does the crown cost?” And with a straight face, he said “$1,200.” I swear to God, that’s not even a joke, at all. I was like “What? “I’m sorry, that sounds an awful lot like $3,000. “You could have at least given me “the satisfaction of nailing it. “I should get both prizes, for getting the.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..95abadbe5361154dd2a1ee8740852bfa75e28e89 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +Have you guys had root canals? They’re a bummer. It’s not that bad. I’ve had, like, nine in the last three weeks, but, like they’re hooked in me. They’re not that bad, they numb your mouth, like I said, so it doesn’t hurt, but this is what they do. They drill into your tooth, I won’t get too graphic, but they drill into your truth, and then they just pull the roots out. They toss ’em or plant ’em. I don’t know what they’re doing with the roots. They collect ’em. Then they do, what they do is they whittle your tooth down, to like a little piece of shit nub, and they glue a fake tooth on top of that, and then they go like this, “We saved it. “We saved your tooth.” I’m like, “Ya did. “Ya saved it. “Ya did, quite a bit of damage right before ya save it. “Most of my tooth is on my glasses right now, but, “you fixed it up new.” It’s like you’re about to get a haircut, and they just shaved your head, and gave you a wig, and they’re like “We fixed it. “It looks a lot better. “It looked ridiculous for a minute there. “That’ll be 1800 for the haircut, and 1200 for the wig. “It’s a package deal.” + +Then I went to the eye doctor, I got an eye exam. I didn’t get an eye exam for like 10 years. Do you know why I didn’t get an eye exam for 10 years? Because I was basing it off dental prices. I thought I couldn’t afford an eye exam. I was like it cost me $3,500 to fix two teeth, that weren’t even bothering me. What the hell is eyesight gonna cost? $75. That’s how much, that’s how much an eye exam cost, in New York City, 75 bucks. I showed up with $5,000 in my pocket. + +[audience laughs] + +I walked in there with all my money, I was like “Just let me see again. “I’ll give you the rest when I have it.” They were like, “That’ll be 75 bucks.” I’m like, “Are you shitting me? “Give me two eye exams. “Double check both eyes. “I’ll pay for that, “I’ll pay for everybody’s eye exams, all day.” I’m like Daddy Warbucks in here. I don’t think eye doctors have any idea, how much dentists are charging out there. They could really up their prices if they wanted to. And I thought, maybe like eye doctor, is like the lowest self esteem doctor. They’re like, “Can you read the bottom line? “It’s fine if you can’t. “I can’t either. “I’m a fucking idiot, I’m stupid, my dad hates me.” You’ll be like, “Geez, are you all right?” How are teeth more expensive than eyes? That’s like unbelievable to me. You have so many more teeth. If you lose a tooth, nobody even notices. If you lose an eye, you have a new nickname, people notice. If you lose an eye, your friends are gonna be like, “Didn’t you used to have multiple eyes? “You did, you had two. “I thought you had two.” Plus teeth there’s other options too. Like if you can’t afford a root canal, they can pull the tooth for you, it takes like three minutes, it’s fairly cheap. They don’t have that at the eye doctor, you know. You’re like “I can’t read the bottom line.” They’re like “Want us to pull that out? “We can toss that thing right away for you. “We’ll give you some gauze and some Vicodin, “don’t eat anything solid for a couple days. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e67fdef475ddad94c655b05e79d989e1e3575e0f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I’m going to therapy. You guys going to therapy out there? Mental and dental. No? Not a big, therapy, in New York too, oi. I love it. I can do it for ya. If you guys wanted to go, maybe you can’t afford it, I can do it for you. I didn’t go to college or anything, but I know how to do therapy. I’ve been going long enough. Whatever you’re dealing with, it’s because of your family. Look no further, than your own family. That’s all therapy is, you complain about your problems, then he says, “It’s your family.” And then you’re like, “Still, great.” Then you give him your money, and then you leave. At first I was skeptical. I was like, “I don’t know.” And then I spent 11 seconds with my family, and I was like, “He nailed it. “These are the worst people I’ve ever met in my life. “I don’t know how I didn’t see this earlier.” + +My Aunt Betty, she’s a big source of my anxiety. I don’t know if you guys know her at all. She was a babysitter, late ’80s, early ’90s. I have anxiety, that’s like my big issue. I know when my anxiety began, I think it was ’cause of my Aunt Betty. When I was eight years old, this is a true story, my Aunt Betty said this to me. She said, “Joe, my biggest fear.” She told me her biggest fear. I didn’t ask her what her biggest fear was, because, I was eight years old. I did not give a shit about her fears, but, she told me anyway. She said “My biggest fear, “is that when I go to the bathroom, they’ll be a man, “hiding behind the shower curtain waiting to get me.” And I was like, “Well, that’s my biggest fear now, also.” Previously my biggest fear had been wetting my pants but, that’s now the solution, to avoiding my new biggest fear, entering the bathroom at my parents house. My parents are like, “What do you want for your ninth birthday?” I’m like, “How ’bout a urinal, in my bedroom, and, “maybe a firearm, and a new babysitter. “The big three.” That was my big fear when I was a kid, wetting my pants. ‘Cause if you get like frightened or anything, or scared, which I was scared of everything, if you get frightened by something, you can just urinate right in your pants. And then your life is ruined. That’s a weird mind body connection, I never understood. Like your brain is like, “I’m terrified.” And then you’re bladder’s like, “We’ll, go ahead and piss then.” And then your brain’s like “That didn’t help at all.” And your bladder’s like “That’s all we know how to do. “We just wanted to let you know we were helping, hell.” And then your colon’s like “We’re ready to rock also, “if you want us to fire something up.” Fortunately, my Aunt Betty was never attacked by a man, behind the shower curtain. Which is good. I mean it could still happen, she’s still alive. But probably won’t, she lives with her parents, they have a security system set up. She’s always lived with her parents, she’s never moved out, she’s never been married. She had the wrong worst fear. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cd3a5bb4cad4b287c0a9f36fb051108cd1273a7a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +She should have been praying for a man, behind that shower curtain. She might have been to scooch on out of that house, but. That joke got mean evidently, but she’s an asshole in real life, don’t worry about it. You guys really took her side, that hurt my feelings, goddammit. What about my feelings? I’ll tell you what’s good about therapy, you get a diagnosis, you find out what’s going on, like what’s wrong, you know? Like we’re all fucked up, you know? If you go to therapy you get a diagnosis. Like I have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, which is fun. I like to say I have it. Some people word it differently, some people say this, “I am OCD.” You ever meet those people? Like, “I gotta go wash my hands, I’m OCD.” That triggers my OCD, ’cause I’m like, “You’re not saying it properly.” I guess it sounds normal, ’cause you hear it, so it sound normal. But watch me replace it with something else. “I gotta go wash my hands, I’m genital herpes.” See how that. + +[audience laughs] + +Like, I’m sorry, you have. “No, no I am genital herpes. “It’s who I am, call me Gen for short, it’s very serious.” I’m trying to relax more, it’s hard. I got into Buddhism, I’m like a Buddhist sort of, I read a Buddhist book, you know. It wasn’t a book, it was a meme, if I’m being honest with you guys, but, I like to say book, you sound smarter when you say read a book but memes are more, they’re preferable, they’re more succinct, you know. This is what it said, and a good quote, it said, “Let negative thoughts come into your head, “but don’t serve them tea.” Mm. ‘Cause you don’t want your negative thoughts, lingering around, drinking tea. That’s like the analogy I guess. My negative thoughts aren’t drinking tea, mine are doing cocaine. That’s a better analogy. My negative thoughts are like, “Climate change is gonna make the world uninhabitable. “Tomorrow!” Ah fuck. Jesus. I read this, human beings have up to 70,000 thoughts a day. Did you guys know that? I thought it was like nine, I had no idea. 70,000’s too many. I don’t think I have 70,000 thoughts a day, I feel like I have four thoughts a day, they just repeat 70,000 times. My four thoughts are my parent’s gonna die, I’m horny, is that cancer, is this funny? Those are the only four thoughts I ever have in my life. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cdcf1e25824acc0ad9c50f4548d66ef6952028e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’ve been traveling a lot. It’s stressful to travel. I went to Israel last year. I don’t know if you guys have been. It’s New York, you probably have. I went to the Dead Sea. That’s like a big attraction in Israel. You guys know about the Dead Sea. Even if you’ve never been, you’re familiar. You can float. That’s like the big attraction to the Dead Sea. You float. I don’t know if you guys know this. Did you know this? You can actually float in any body of water. You do not have to travel to the Middle East if you’d like to float in water. You can do that right here in America. They don’t know that over there. They’re like, “Get in the water, you’ll float.” I’m like, “We have chairs that float. “They have little cup holders. “We do it all summer, it’s terrific. “We’ve got foam noodles. “You can buy them for three bucks.” But I went, I didn’t want to go, but you gotta try new things. That’s very important in life. That’s what they say. I think new things are overrated, honestly, once you get to a certain age. I’m 37, I like chicken parm and missionary sex. That’s all I’m really into. People are like, “What about veal and reverse cowgirl?” I’m like, “Those are inhumane if you asked me, “I don’t think we should.” But I went to the Dead Sea. I had a tour guide, he gave me some fun facts with the Dead Sea. He said, “It’s the lowest body of water on Earth.” I was like, “Oh, that’s neat.” Then he added a second part that I thought was annoying. He said, “It’s actually below sea level.” And I was like, “I don’t know if you’re smarter “than me or dumber than me, but it’s not below sea level. “It is sea level. “It’s the sea. “Whatever the level is, that’s the level. “You can’t be below yourself.” And he’s like, “Actually you can be” and I was like, “Maybe you should below yourself.” I thought that was hilarious. Right off the top of my head, that was pretty good. He didn’t laugh at all. I think something was lost in translation, but I thought it was a good zinger. He said this, he warned me, “When you get the water, “if you have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on your body, “you’re gonna really feel it, “because the salt can get in there. I was like, “I don’t have any cuts or nicks “or abrasions on my body, so I’m not too worried about it.” But then I got in the water and you know what I found out? Your pee hole qualifies as a cut, nick, or abrasion. I had no idea. All these years I’ve been walking around with a cut on the end of my penis or a nick, might be a dick nick, I’m not sure. I got in the water, I was like, “Ah, aah.” Then he was like, “Is your pee hole burning a little bit?” I was like, “You fucking knew about this?” “You gave me that shitty Snapple fact about the sea level, “but failed to mention I might have a burning pee hole. He goes, “It’s normal.” I’m like, “No, it’s not, that’s abnormal. “Normally, I have no burning in my penis while swimming.” He’s like, “You’ll get used to it.” I was like, “I’m not gonna get used to it. “I’m going to get out of the water and go back to America.” I don’t wanna just have a burning dick and be like, “Oh, it’s an acquired taste “after a few minutes, invigorating.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f31dcc44fe3088de94ebb8d6d25852036f523db0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I went to Ireland last year. I’ve been there a couple of times. That’s a beautiful country. They like to fight there. That’s like a big stereotype, fighting Irish. I don’t like stereotypes, but they nailed that one. I saw so many fights. I saw the biggest fight I’ve ever seen, a big brawl. I was in Dublin. There was two bouncers from a bar fighting this one other guy and I think he was a patron. I don’t know how the fight started. It was already in progress when I got there. They might have been fighting for centuries. It was two on one and the three of them, they just kicked the shit out of each other. Eventually the two guys, they beat up the one guy because they had more arms than he had. That’s a big advantage in a fight. They knocked the guy down. This is what happened, they knocked the guy down, finally, and they didn’t hit him while he was down. They just kind of stood there like, “We’ve won the fight.” I was like, “I respect that.” Because here in America, if you get in a fight and you get a guy down, you kick him until he dies, you know what I mean? “We’re number one, goddammit.” I’m from Boston, maybe you guys aren’t. But he didn’t kick him, he didn’t hit him all. He just kind of stood there and then I was like, “These guys are real gentlemen. “They don’t hit a man when he’s down.” But then, plot twist. The guy who was laying on the ground, his girlfriend came running over and she was like, “You sons of bitches” and one of the guys blasted her right in the face. I was like, “Wow, I seem to have jumped the gun “on my assessment of these fellas. “Not quite as gentlemanly as I first suspected. “Won’t hit a man when he’s down, “will hit a woman when she’s up.” I was like, I better do something, goddammit. I’m a man, I’m an American. I’m gonna take action, so I did, I tweeted. I was like, “I just saw some crazy shit, #blessed, fire it off. Hit them where it hurts. The lady was fine, by the way. She wasn’t injured. I would not make a joke if she was hurt. She was completely fine. I think she might’ve been on meth. I think that because I read there’s a meth problem in Dublin and then when the woman got punched in the face, she went like this, “Ha!” and I was like, “I think that might be one of those “meth people I was reading about.” That seems like a methy reaction to a punch in the face. And by the way, she won the fight. Both guys were like, “Oh, shit, that’s crazy. “Let’s get outta here.” They kind of left and then she was crying and then she kind of hugged her man. He was bleeding in the street. They kind of hugged and for a moment, I got kind of jealous. I was like, “My wife and I never “do fun stuff like this anymore. “That’s really sweet, you know?” Then this part, you’re gonna think I’m making this up, but I swear to God this really happened. The woman, she walked over to the bar, she opened the front door of the bar and she yelled inside. She went, “All we wanted was some chips! \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..abbca610e13c1ad3b2da9360e6bd33ce523e8a9d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +That’s when I was like, “I really wish I saw the beginning of this fight “because I feel like there has to be more to that story. “There’s no way.” Like that woman was sitting at the bar, she was like, “Can we get some chips right over here?” “Take them outside, beat the shit out of him “and punch her right in the fucking face. “We do not sell chips at this establishment.” The rest of my time in Ireland, I was like, “Can I get some chips? “But if not, no big deal. “I know you’re very particular “about your chip distribution in this country. “I understand you had a famine some time ago. “I don’t want to ’cause any problems.” If you have a wife, we have sex. You guys having sex out there? You like that segue? You know what I like about sex? I like sex because you keep learning. You know what I mean? I’ve been having sex for a number of years, but like sometimes I still feel like it’s a learning experience. Recently my wife and I had sex. She had a cold, but we had sex anyways. She’s a real trooper, you know? In the middle of the sex, she coughed and it ejected my penis out of her body. Did you guys know that happens? Not a little bit, 100% out of her body. It was like, I was like, “Whoa, what?” It was like a magic trick. Evidently, that’s one tube all the way down, ears, nose, throat, vagina. It’s ENTV. I was like, “I gotta get some cough drops or a bigger dick. “Something has to change here.” Ladies, you know you can do that? Next time you’re having sex with your man and he’s not giving it to you the way you like it just give him a good. [coughs] “Don’t come back here with that weak ass shit. “I’ll cough you right out of this relationship.” I was nervous to get back in there. I’m like, “If she sneezes, “I’m gonna be dead on the ceiling over here.” I got back in there, back on the horse as they say, the horse, being my wife in this particular situation. She’s more of a pony, she’s very petite. I got in there, I was literally holding on to that headboard because I was nervous and then she did have to sneeze. I thought she was having an orgasm at first. They sound similar. She’s like, “Huh.” For one second I was like, “I’m fucking hitting it today, yeah.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1bc19db62f80d4661a3cd8dc497e8ba3d629bfcc --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ +Then she sneezed and blew it in my face. I was like, “Oh, that makes more sense.” Then I came and said, “God bless you.” So, that was kind of hot, it was fun. That’s actually a better time to say, “God bless you,” really. Sex is fun, I love it. Sex is different when you’re married, though. I’m a dirty guy. I like to get dirty and weird, you know, like I’m a dirty guy. But when you’re married you can’t get too dirty because you have to segue back into your regular life together. You know what I mean? When you’re single, you can say crazy shit. You could do whatever. You’d can be like, “I can’t ever see this person again, “that was weird.” When you’re married, it’s hard to be like, “Step on my balls and choke me, bitch. And then five minutes later you’re like, “I’ll do the dishes if you vacuum, is that cool? “Sorry about earlier, I don’t know what happened there.” That’s why I go entry level dirty talk, just kind of regular, you know what I mean? The other day we were having sex and I don’t wanna get too graphic out of respect, but she was on top and I went, “Yeah, fuck me.” That’s something, right? Standard. And then she said, “I am.” + +[audience laughs] + +I had to be like, “No, I know, I know you are. “It was more of a rhetorical.” Then I tried to cough her off of me. I wanted to see if I could do it to her. Nothing doing, I gotta do some kegels or something. I love my wife, I love her family. She has a sister, we’re buddies. I was hanging out my wife’s sister the other day. You ever sent a text message too quick and you missed a letter or a word and it changes the whole text? We’ve all had that. I had that happen recently. I was hanging out my sister-in-law and my wife texted and she wrote, “How’s things going with my sister?” I wrote back, “Great, she’s a lot of fun, “I wish you were her.” + +[audience laughs] + +That’s a bad text. + +[audience laughs] + +I meant to write, “I wish you were here,” obviously. I felt bad, I had to call her. I was like, “Hey, I didn’t mean to write that, “I was distracted. “I was trying to fuck your sister, “but I got a little confused “but I wish you were here “so we could all fool around a little, “you know, like in the movies.” It’s weird when you date or marry someone with a sibling because siblings tend to look alike because they have the same parents but you’re not supposed to be attracted to the sibling because it’s inappropriate, but they look alike. You gotta pretend they don’t. You gotta be like, “Baby, you’re the most beautiful woman “I’ve ever seen in the whole world, “but this younger version of you is very off putting to me. “I would never be attracted “to a slightly newer version of you. “That’s gross” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..27d14b6fdee762e4c8fdd498bf9a32f53f440e8a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +I’m very attracted to my wife. I want her to be attracted to me. I don’t know, it’s hard because when you’re married, you want the person to be attracted to you. I googled things that are sexy to women and you shouldn’t do that. That’s a mistake. I read about 25 articles. I had none of the things in any of the articles, which was a bummer. One thing said making the bed is sexy. I make the bed, but I feel like that’s a bullshit article. That’s just a woman trying to get guys to make her bed, I’m pretty sure. Like someone was like, “Put down making the bed. “Let’s see if they try that.” Her editor’s like, “That’s not really sexy.” She’s like, “I know, but let’s get our beds made, “if nothing else, these guys are idiots.” I don’t picture a woman be like, “Ooh, look at the way he snaps out the wrinkles. “That’s so hot.” Some things I think it should be sexy to women, but they’re not. I don’t understand women. The other day, I was putting my socks on and my foot just ripped right through it. I was like, “Woosh.” I turn to my wife, I’m like, “Eh? + +[audience laughs] + +“You wanna bang or what?” She’s like, “What are you talking about? I’m like, “I’m too much man. “That’s what I’m talking about. “My goddamn socks can’t even contain me anymore.” She was like, “No, you idiot, you have a hole in the toe.” I’m like, “All right, whatever it is.” Sometimes it’s confusing what sexy is. My wife and I, one time we were watching Brokeback Mountain together and she got turned on, not by the sex. There is a scene, I don’t know if you saw the movie. I won’t give anything away in case you’ve been waiting 17 years to watch this masterpiece, but we were watching the movie. There’s a scene in the movie where Jake Gyllenhaal’s character, he yells at his father-in-law. He says, “Sit your ass down you old son of a bitch.” It’s like a big scene in the movie and then my wife was like, “Ooh, that was hot.” I was like, “Is that hot? “Should I be yelling at your dad? “Is that a turn on? “That never even crossed my mind. “I wake up every morning, “I do 100 push ups and I make the bed. “I never thought to reprimand your father.” I aim to please, though, you know? We went to visit her parents, her dad’s like, “I’m gonna take my princess out for ice cream.” I was like, “That’s what you think, you fat fuck. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ebde2e75cf9e2c237e144632c1838b64c9551c00 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JL_IHM_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +He was like, “What is wrong with you?” I’m like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with her? “That’s the real question. “You raised this weirdo. “I’m trying to stay sexually relevant. “I would love an ice cream. “But that’s not what she’s into, “so sit down you son of a bitch.” Didn’t turn her on at all, by the way. It turned her mother on. She loved it. She was like, “Yeah, give it to him. “I hate this dip shit.” I think I have a chance with her mother, we’ll see, feels inappropriate. You gotta spice it up, though. We’ve been together a long time, you know? Sex, you gotta mix it up. I’ll tell you what I like. I like shoes in bed, that’s my thing, anybody? I’m talking like high heels, not New Balance or Asics. They gotta be something nice. I like shoes in bed because they don’t belong in bed. It’s like a threesome, like “You shouldn’t be here, “but stick around, I like where this is going, you know?” That’s a sexy look on a woman, by the way, naked with shoes. Not a man. Man, we’re not quite able to pull that look off just yet. If I’m naked wearing shoes, I look like a toddler that ran away from his mother while she was changing him. You ever seen that when someone’s changing the kid and the kid makes a run for it? He’s like, “No.” Tiny dick flipping everywhere. He hides in the curtains. That’s me, you know? I think it’s when a woman is naked wearing shoes, it’s kind of like, she’s like, “I forgot to get dressed.” A man naked with shoes is like, “I forgot to take my medicine. “I don’t know what got into me, I’m sorry.” I like morning sex, that’s my favorite sex, morning sex. First thing, right? + +[audience member screams] + +Yeah, there you go. I love it, my wife doesn’t like it. I’m like, “Let’s have some morning sex.” She’s like, “No, I want to start my day.” Yeah, I want to start my day also. That’s what I was referring to. Frankly, it’s a little hurtful that you wouldn’t consider that part of your day. Then she’s just eating cereal. I just got cock blocked by Tony the Tiger. It’s not a great feeling. I think the problem with morning sex, morning breath. That’s the main problem. Morning breath I’m pretty sure is how doggy style sex got invented. 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+oid sha256:277c701cc9cbc962d769ca87d53ef1759226bb528ed1fb83fe69a4cc96d65cc5 +size 1479 diff --git a/data/funny_text/JM_TCK_audio_20.mp3 b/data/funny_text/JM_TCK_audio_20.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7a4daae6551fdc63250fa698c4856a47ec4786b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JM_TCK_audio_20.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:aa3e78050e54fca2fe1219d953efb2050aa5888d4ee2a78619027defd720b661 +size 1938 diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..114bb21f1729c591e43003b45aac52b562d116de --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage… Jimmy O. Yang!How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can have a seat. Thank you, thank you so much. Where my Asian people at, Asian people?Hey! You came out! We’re out here representing, man. I got to say, it’s been a couple of good years for us Asians, right? We had Crazy Rich Asians last year. That was a huge moment for us, yeah. Jeremy Lin won a championship… for doing nothing. He’s the first Asian kid to receive a participation trophy. We got to be proud of him, finally. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..48c0dea7b2d2a3be8e492e1620ad63be1d90f15a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +It’s great, great couple of years, man. But this is recent history. I don’t know if you guys remember this. Just three years ago, there was a movie called The Great Wall— starring Matt Damon. It was a real movie. It was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English? I said, what the fuck is this? But you got to understand. I’m not mad at Matt Damon, OK? He’s an actor. That’s what he does for a living. That’s how he gets a check. I get it. If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore,… I would play the shit out of George Washington, you know what I mean?No shame in my game. I’ll play George Washington Carver if they let me. That’s a black guy, by the way. I don’t know if you know.Gotta represent, man. I see a lot of people out here in the streets, they want to come up to me, but they’re not really sure. There’s a lot of debate amongst their friends. They’re like, hey, man, are you sure that’s him? If we go up there, we got to be sure. Because if we go up there and it’s not him, we’re gonna look super racist. Are you sure that’s not Ken Jeong? I don’t know. It looks kind of like Ali Wong. I don’t know.And they come up to me, it’s always like, the first thing they say, like, hey, hey, man, aren’t you that dude Jian-Yang from that show Silicon Valley? And I’m like, oh, thanks. Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I am. And then they’re like, oh, shit, I didn’t even know you speak English in real life! I’m like, it’s called acting, motherfucker. Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese? Like, what’s wrong with you? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..061cbd5e285c7c55d16a7c759b40b9b3f4a31a0f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t know what the disconnect is. Like, if a white actor does a British accent, he’s a thespian. He wins an Oscar. If I do a Chinese accent, I’m automatically from the old country.Representation matters, man. A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. They’re like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man. I’m like, eh, you’re welcome. But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right? Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, fuck it, I’m representing Nigerians today.I’m very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there’s so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. It sounds weird. That’s like a different conversation for some reason, you know? If somebody came up to me being like, hey, Jimmy, I’m representing for the whites, I would leave that town immediately and never come back.So much pressure to represent. I got to be a good Asian everywhere now. I got to tip everywhere I go. That was one of the major advantages of being Asian, is I could just pretend I don’t know how to tip. Y’all know what a Chinese tip is? Chinese tip, it doesn’t matter how big your bill is, you tip $2. That’s a Chi– That’s a Chinese tip, man. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c90f1a1a2e6eb65f4c0c198b18a044ea5c3efb12 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now I got to tip 20% everywhere. I got to give every Uber driver five-star ratings just so I can be a good representative.Everywhere I go, I got to represent. Even day to day shit, even the bedroom I got to represent. After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me. She was like, Jimmy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever been with. I’m like, OK. What do you want, a fortune cookie? Like, wha–? Like, what do you want? She acted like she just unlocked a new character on Street Fighter or some shit. Why do you feel the need to say that?This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful. This is what she said to me after we hooked up. She was like, Jimmy, um, I’m just glad the stereotype’s not true. You don’t have a small penis. I’m like, bitch, you understand you just insulted my entire race of people? But thank you. First of all, thank you for thinking that I did have a small penis, and we still had sex. You’re the real MVP. You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss. Thank you.But that’s a fucked up stereotype, right? That’s not even true. That’s a fucked up stereotype. Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty. I don’t care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, how big your hands are. Everybody should start at average dick, 8 inches. And we go from there. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c9a98155d747884bedc3cb6191427e58c9b5fb44 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +There’s so much pressure, man. I feel like every time I have sex, there’s a billion Chinese people on my back just judging me. I gotta make sure I perform and represent, you know? I got to get them an extra pump for my uncle in Shanghai, an extra pump for my nephew in Hong Kong and shit. It’s like, oh, my god. That’s why you see old Asian people, they be walking like this, just like– (CHINESE ACCENT) It’s so much pressure.I love old Asian people, man. Yeah, yeah, old Asian people are the best. But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park? Like, it doesn’t matter which city you’re in, which park you go to, you wake up, 6:30 in the morning, you see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time, for like three hours. What the fuck are they doing? And my dad was trying to explain to me. He’s like, oh, they’re warming up to do Tai Chi. I’m like, for how long? And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself. So they’re warming up to warm up for nothing. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..11d3e1bbe58af3f11ef29adf7c836d87c8b848d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And I think to a lot of Americans, like, people think that Tai Chi to some, like, exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art. No. Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise. Let’s not exoticize these things, you know?It’s actually super simple to do Tai Chi. I went to a park, watched those old people for like an hour, and I learned how to do Tai Chi. Very simple, all you gotta do is two things. All you gotta do to do to Tai Chi is pretend you’re wiping down a window and getting a blow job at the same time. You guys seem skeptical. Allow me to demonstrate.It’s very simple. All you gotta do, you get it your little stance, right, OK? And then you wipe down a window. And now you get a blow job. Then you lift her head up, because you’re a gentleman, you know? That’s Tai Chi.Thank you, thank you. Let’s not exoticize these Asian things. They’re just old people reminiscing about the days when they got sucked off. That’s it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b3c78bd59a8ed22b0e016c7e1ac92bc4b3b716a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You got to take advantages of all these, like, Asian stereotypes, you know? If people are just going to exoticize us, that’s fine. Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now. It’s like, hey, Jimmy can you help me move next Monday? I’m like, Monday? That’s the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba Festiva, dog. I can’t– I can’t just help you move. My grandfather died for that shit, you understand?And if people are just gonna assume that I don’t speak English, that’s fine. That’s what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops. I just pretend I don’t speak English. I haven’t gotten a ticket in five years. Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window. He was like, sir, you do understand you can’t make a right turn here? It says right there on the sign. You can’t make a right turn. So I just looked up at him. I was like,Oh, I don’t know. I’m sorry, but-ah English not very good. So I cannot read-ah the sign. And he was really confused. He just looked back down at me. He was like, sir, the sign is not in English. It’s a diagram, so I don’t understand how that’s a language barrier? So I just looked up at him. I was like, Oh… I don’t know. But do you know today is the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba–You got to use it to your advantage, people. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3366952c88182d757ebf1cee64d840482949300e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m very happy to be here, man.Thank you. Oh, you guys don’t have to– thank you. Thank you for all your support. It’s been great. It’s been really great. Like, I’m finally– I’m like quasi-famous now. Nothing’s really changed. I might get a free appetizer at select PF Chang’s. That’s about it. Nothing’s really changed. I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago. This is a true story. But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder. Like now, when I do match with a girl, she doesn’t believe that it’s me. Like, ew, that’s not you. You’re not that guy from this thing and that thing. I’m like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile? You gotta dig real deep to use me, man. I feel like there’s so many better choices out there.One time– one time, my agent told me that I had a good look. And I’m like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that. But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good-looking. I still don’t know what the fuck it means.And look, I’m not being self-deprecating, OK? That’s Hollywood talk. I don’t listen to that shit. I understand that, in real life, I’m like super good-looking– if you’re into anime. You gotta get in where you fit in, people. One time, I went over to the girl’s house, she has this, like, Naruto anime poster in her bedroom. I knew I was fucking that night. You got to know your demo, people \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2024f505d2fc7589518fdda914d6d767be3bd284 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + Asian people, we don’t need Tinder anymore. We just go to BTS concerts. That’s how we do that parking lot pimping.I’ve been dating a lot of tall girls lately, because it makes me look successful. No, no. I think tall women are beautiful. But some of them like to wear heels. That’s just disrespect. Like, you’re already five inches taller than me. Why the fuck are you wearing heels? She’s like, it makes my ass look better. I’m like, your ass is at my eye level right now. Neither of us look good, OK? I look like a child, and you look like a child molester.Last time– the last time I took a tall girl to this concert– I don’t know if you guys know this, but apparently, tall people have fun at concerts. Are you guys aware of that? I’m 5′ 5″. I just go to concerts to smell other people’s armpits. I’m like what the fuck’s the point of this? She was having the time of her life, doing whatever tall people do at concerts, you know, jumping around, obstructing other people’s views, seeing everything. I was frustrated. I had enough. So I just looked up at her, I was like, hey! Pick me up. This is bullshit. I paid for these tickets, OK? I want to see Billy Eilish, too. Come on. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7dce0e7df6d4bb119c39dbe88e34957708e055bc --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I know I’m becoming an adult finally, because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV. That’s the greatest show of all time. You guys watch it, Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper? It’s a great show, right? It’s a great show. Like, it’s really a beautiful relationship. Joanna does all the interior decorating, and she brings in all the furniture and makes the house look amazing. And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him. It’s the most symbiotic American relationship ever.And it’s a really nice show. It’s a feel-good show. It’s an aspiring show. You watch the show and you’re like, man, one day, maybe my house could look that nice– if I moved to Waco, Texas. If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen.I don’t know about you guys. Shit is expensive where I live in LA. And I watch this show and I just get frustrated. Because you get, like, these like, entry-level-job-having people in Texas. And they’re like, Joanna, we’re looking for a six bedroom house on three acres of land and our budget’s $50,000. Bitch, I can’t even buy a crack house in Compton for $50,000. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..aef744c95ac8992b2a4fab79b0526acd9b713bde --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +HGTV is just basically “MTV Cribs” for adults. Because when you were 15, you had crazier dreams, you know? You watch “MTV Cribs,” and you’re like, oh, man, one day, I hope I can have a Lamborghini. One day, I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades. And now, you’re like 35, your dreams just get a little more realistic. You’re watching HGTV, and you’re just, like, oh, man, one day, I wish I could just fix this roof.Look, I’m doing, like, fine by any measure, you know? But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment because that shit is rent-controlled. And when the Asian people, when we find a good deal, we’re never letting that shit go. -Yeah.That apartment is about to be generational. It’s gonna get passed to my nephew, his kids, and all that. It’s mine now, basically. I don’t want to buy a house. I live by myself, and I’m scared of ghosts. I’ve seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses, not one bedroom apartments.Yeah. I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies to know that ghost only haunt rich people’s houses in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby, because they got way too much to lose. Shit is high stakes. I live by myself. I ain’t got nothing to lose. A ghost come haunt me, I just move. Worse comes to worse, I lose my security deposit. Fuck it, you know? What’s a ghost gonna do? He’s gonna follow me from unit to unit, start knocking on my light fixtures and shit. I’m like, hey, dog, go ahead. It’s not even mine. You fuck around, we both get evicted, OK? Like, you don’t want to be a homeless ghost.And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost haunts an apartment? That means that ghost probably died in an apartment. He didn’t even die a homeowner. I ain’t got no respect for that shit. He comes haunt me, I just start talking shit to him. Like, hey, dog, what was your credit score when you died, though, like, for real? For real. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9c86da532a22611a380bcedf6f2cf4ec79ae322b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I was born in Hong Kong. Any Hong Kong people? A couple of us– awesome, man. For you guys that haven’t been following the news, Hong Kong is a part of Japan. I’m joking, obviously. But I said the same shit in Kansas City, and people were like, really? Wow, we learned something new today, Bill.I did a show in Kansas City. I don’t know why either. People are very nice in Kansas City. I’m not gonna say, like, they’re racist or anything like that, but they’re just, like, curious. Like they’re watching me like they’re watching an episode of National Geographic. And a pack of giraffes just ran by, and they’re like, oh, I’ve never seen one of those in real life. It looks majestic.This one kid in Kansas City came up to me after the show, very nice kid. This is what he said. He was like, ah, Jimmy, thought you were really funny, man. I don’t mean to offend you– that’s when you know you’re about to get offended. He was like, I don’t mean to offend you, but when I first saw your poster, I thought you were gonna play the violin. I was like, I do, motherfucker, just not right now. Shit.I keep it a secret. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5c4762fb1fee03cfeb48e4f4e909f23cff06978d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +See, I gotta say, I got some of the nicest crowds in the business. I rarely ever get heckled. And one time I was talking about how I used to play the violin. An old Chinese lady sitting in the front, just stood up and screamed out, first chair or second chair?And I was like, thanks, ma’am, fifth chair, actually, fifth chair. I wasn’t– I wasn’t very good. I wasn’t good.I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong. Like my real name is not even Jimmy. That’s my English name. My real name is Man-Sing. In Cantonese, . It stands for 10,000 success. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. I had very ambitious parents. And now I’m telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, so–Jimmy was just kind of like an arbitrary English name that just sounded easy. And my dad, he named himself Richard. I was like, Dad, why’d you name yourself Richard? He was like, because I want to be rich. It makes so much sense.And then they named my older brother Roger after the James Bond actor Roger Moore. Yeah, but my brother hated that name. He was like, man, it makes me sound like an old white guy. So eventually he changed his own name to Roy. So now he sounds like an older white guy. And now his full name is Roy Roger, which is the oldest white guy to ever white. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bbcc14a021770c842a7d0465ee59a31ab9507314 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I grew up very stereotypically, man. I didn’t play basketball or football. I grew up playing ping pong— competitively! That was a serious national sport back home, man. You know, I didn’t go to any, like, fun summer camp, space camp. My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Gwangju, China. I almost died. It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team. It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles.We took that shit seriously, though. My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game. And he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game. But you know, Asian parents, they’re way too honest. So every pep talk just turned into an insult. Like, he would come up to me, be like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy. Jimmy. You’re going to play well, OK? Even though you slow, even though you weak, and you suck. And then he would just walk away.I was very good at math. That’s a big Asian stereotype. I think there’s some truth to that. Not because of some weird genetic thing, just because our parents cared so much more about mathematics and academics. You guys seen it. You guys seen those, like, Kumon Learning Centers in those strip malls, right, right? Kumon Learning Centers, for you guys that don’t know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children. You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo. Because it’s supposed to be a smiley face, but it’s not really smiling. It’s just like, meh. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d1d796c85debb2e6737e6e0bbd7bf5bedb041977 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon. They got a different strategy. They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function. That’s an old school Chinese strategy. So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion. It was basically my Quinceañera. My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus.And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, you’re a woman now, OK?But when you’re a kid, when your parents tell you you can’t do something, what do you do? You rebel, right? So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother’s calculator. I stole Roy Rogers calculator, and I locked myself in my room. And I started rebelling. I started doing math homework. Other kids were, like, fucking around with, like, alcohol and drugs. I was fucking up some parabolas, you know? Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers. I was like, oh, man, this feels great, you know? It’s so wrong. It’s awesome.My dad was pissed. He was knocking on the outside of the door. He doesn’t like locked doors in the house. And he was screaming. He was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside? Come out right now. I know you’re in there using a calculator. Come out right now. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. And he unlocked the door, and he came in. I went into full panic mode. So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants. I was like, Dad, I was just jerking off. And he came in, and he looked at me. And then he looked at the math homework. And he was like good, good, very good. Very good, very good, you must really like math. That’s good. Keep it up. Because there is nothing, there is nothing that will make an Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..eb71d62b95e098ee06d76d0f54ec7c3b92f24976 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I grew up very stereotypically, man. But all these things– playing the violin, being good at math, my names– those things weren’t stereotypes when I was growing up in Hong Kong, because everybody was Asian. Everyone was good at math. It didn’t become a stereotype until I came to this country when I was 13 years old. And I automatically became the weird foreign kid. Like, I didn’t really even know how to speak English. I learned English how you guys will learn Spanish, just on paper. But if I would have dropped you off in Mexico when you’re 13 years old, you would’ve died.I was a very confused kid, man. The first day of school, everybody was standing up, putting their right hand on their chest, doing the Pledge of Allegiance. I didn’t know what was going on. I was like, did, I just join a cult? First day of school, this girl came up to me. She was like, hey, what’s up? I didn’t know what that meant, so I just looked up.I was a very confused kid. All these little customs, I wasn’t used to. Like the first day of PE class, first day of PE class, we had to change into our gym clothes. I’d never done that. Everybody was wearing boxers, and I was still wearing tighty-whiteys. And this kid, this bully next to me, he was being real mean. He was like, hey, look, the Asian kid’s wearing tighty-whiteys. That’s gay. And I was like, oh, really, is I what it means? I had no idea. And then I put on my gym shorts, but my mom had bought me gym shorts that was my exact size, an extra small. So that wasn’t very cool, because it came down mid-thigh. And apparently back in the day, that was called a John Stockton. And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me, he was like, hey, hey, look at– don’t wear your pants like that. Pull your pants down, man. Pull your pants down. And I was like, who’s the gay one now? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f038733b3658888340af6378f4178ec65af519db --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But I didn’t know what to do. Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept saying pull your pants down. So I was like, oh, shit. I’ve seen Shawshank Redemption. Maybe this is just how it works in America. So I start pulling down my shorts all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle. And that same kid, the bully next to me, is like, hey, what are you doing? Don’t pull them down all the way. That’s gay. And I’m like, what is not gay in this country? And apparently this other kid next me, he’s like, hey, don’t pull them down all the way. Just sag them a little bit. Just sag your pants. And I didn’t know what sagging your pants meant. Apparently, that’s a cool, hip hop thing, to pull your pants down halfway down your butt so you show everybody you asshole. And apparently, that’s the only not gay way to wear your pants in America.I had no idea. All these weird American things I wasn’t used to. Eventually, I learned how to speak English by watching a lot of TV, mainly BET Rap City. Because that was my shit. I want to be cool, and nothing cooler than BET Rap City, right? Every music video was a slice of somebody’s American dream. The first music video I saw was Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'”. You guys remember that shit? Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” was the greatest music video of all time. It was Jay-Z and his boys on a yacht pouring champagne on this beautiful woman’s face for, like, four minutes. I was like, this is America? It’s amazing. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..27b07197c29f7b11a381298b3ad02805d1943a75 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +That’s all I wanted to do. Like before I even wanted to get into stand-up, that’s all I want to do. I want to be a rapper. I want to be like Jay-z in “Big Pimpin'”. So I started my own rap group in high school. This is a true story. It was me, my black friend Julian, and my other friend Yugi, who was half black and half Japanese. So we are perfectly 1 and 1/2 black dudes and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes. And we called ourselves The Yellow Panthers. I know. I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group. And we had a real rap song. It was called, “Underground Railroad Builder.”I was confused. Eventually, I became a good Asian-American, and I went to school to get an Economics degree. Because that was the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents. But then after I graduated, I didn’t want to do, like, econ or finance. So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad, I don’t want to do any of this. I want to go try and do stand-up. He was like, what’s a– what’s a stand-up? You mean like a talk show? I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it. But I want to go pursue my dreams. And he was like, no. Pursue your dreams how you become homeless. I was like, no, no, Dad, Dad, it’s– things are different now. We’re in America, OK? In America, we’re supposed to do what we love. He was like, no. Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love.That’s that old school Chinese mentality, right? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2b2fc4471dc8245156748bbf4a37230735f80ba0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +See, I’m like first generation. But my parents, they’re like negative 9 generation, because they’re so frickin’ Chinese. Like, it’s really hard for me to watch TV with my dad, because he’s trying to make me explain everything to him. First of all, old Asian people, they don’t watch TV. They judge the TV. This is like, I’m just sitting next to my dad on the couch, and he’s wearing his, like, old Asian man costume, which is just a wife beater and tighty-whiteys. He’s just sitting there, arms folded, judging the TV like–He’s made some random noises around the house. Now whenever he sneezes, it’s never just a sneeze. It’s like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after. It’s just like, achoo! Oh! Ay, shit.Oh! I’m like, what the fuck, Dad, just have an orgasm? What was that?And he doesn’t understand what I’m saying half the time. He’s like, oh, there’s an orgasm. OK, the orga– orgasm. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..97d73734e6aa76f8f4d2eb5d35a5b986fa39cb12 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And he’s trying to make me explain everything to him on TV. Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music video to an old Chinese man? We’re just sitting there. My dad was like, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy, what it mean when he say Lamborghini Mercier? What’s that? And I’m like, Dad, he’s bragging about his car. It’s a Lamborghini Mercier Largo, a very expensive car. You know what that is, right? And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. That’s when you know they have no idea what the fuck you just said. He was like, OK, OK, yes, yes, a Lamborghini, OK.Jimmy, what he mean when he say, your chick, she so thirsty. What’s that? And I was like, shit, um– Dad, he’s making fun of somebody’s girlfriend, OK? It’s saying, like, she likes attention from other guys, and she likes to do sex stuff with them, you know, like, blow jobs and such. And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. Yes, blow jobs, OK. Mm. Jimmy, Jimmy. I’m thirsty, too, OK? So– I was like, oh, god, no. No, it got lost in translation. It’s disgusting. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8853b299811df6ca1830c3c7ada9cdbe247c83a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t know if you guys know this, but I came from an acting family. But it’s not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight. I guess I would be Angelina Jolie in that equation. My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did. Because he was like, it’s so easy, you can do it, I can. I’m like, Dad, fine, if you think my life’s so easy, why don’t you go to some open call auditions and you’ll understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job. He was like, OK. And he went to all these auditions, and he started booking everything. It’s a true story. He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called “Little Daddy,” “Xiao Baba.” Half a billion people watch that show. It’s like the Big Bang Theory of China, and Richard blew up. And he was like, this is easy. I don’t know.My plan completely backfired. And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, and she will call the house in LA. And she’s like, congratulations, Richard, you’re such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act? And he’s like, no, no, I’m a natural. Oh, that’s very good, you and your son, same busyness, you know? You two are very funny. He’s like, no, no, Jimmy is not funny. I’m like, Dad that’s bullshit, OK? You got one good role, good for you. I’m happy for you. But you’re not a real actor yet. Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh. Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera? He was like, yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..56bb466536c5539846226ecf1c4ffeee2b033e27 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem, because I was raised by Asian parents. My dad’s not even the worse. My mom’s much worse. Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies? Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face, as if they’re trying to do you a favor. I go to my mom’s house, the first thing she says, she’s like, Jimmy…Ai-yah.Why is your face so fat? Your clothes look homeless. And your hair, ai-yah, it’s gay.Sometimes it’s like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom, you know? Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know? Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn’t buy shit she needs. She just buys shit because it’s a good deal. I brought– one time, I brought a full price shirt home, $20. And she was like, was it full price? No, it’s a bad deal. I was like, Mom, it’s only 20 bucks. She’s like, yes, $20, if you’re stupid. She goes to Ross and she freaks out, because everything’s a great deal. She’s like, Jimmy, you should buy this. You should buy– this is a good deal. This is a good deal. I’m like Mom, that’s a double XL shirt, OK? And it says Obey on it. I’m not gonna fucking wear that. And she’s like, it’s OK, 50% off. Some day it’ll fit, OK? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..682e5810dd606e15b8532eb9d2e6be3299de2b32 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right? You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, because you know everyone’s getting a great deal. Nobody’s getting ripped off. You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.We don’t believe in that shit. Look, there’s nothing wrong with Whole Foods. Matter of fact, it’s too nice. And Asian people, we don’t like to pay for atmosphere. Have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store? It’s a fucking zoo. You walk in there, there’s just a frog jumping from one aisle to the other. There’s a piece of fish still flopping around on the floor. Half the place place is an aquarium. I don’t know why you ever pay for kids to go to SeaWorld when you just take them to the Ranch 99 for free.That’s a good deal. That’s a great deal.Asian people, we don’t buy organic shit. We don’t believe in organic labeling. We better still see it swimming or still walking. That’s organic to us. That’s the only way we know.All my friends in LA, all my hipster friends, they’re like, Jimmy, you gotta eat organic, man. This regular stuff you eat, they have growth hormones in them. It’s gonna fucking kill you. I’m like, really, growth hormones? Wait a minute. You’re trying to tell me I’ve been eating growth hormones all my life, and I’m still 5′ 5″ and I shop at Gap Kids? Get the fuck out of here. I’ll pay extra for growth hormones. Get me to the GMO only section, you know? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f9349173feebc09ebcf74ced0e371c987621ad2c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +All this organic stuff in America is getting out of control. It’s not just organic food. You got like organic bed sheets, organic hand soap. I don’t know about you guys, but growing up in my very Chinese family, hand soap wasn’t even a thing. Hand soap used to be that piece of crap leftover soap that my dad’s been washing his balls with for two months. And he just puts it on the soap counter. You walk by, you rub your two fingers on it for good luck. That was– that was hand soap. Nobody got sick. It was fine. Once in a while, you got a piece of pubes. So what? You deal with it.Now hand soap is so fancy, it’s got its own aisle at the grocery stores. Because it’s not about washing your hands anymore. It’s a status symbol. We go to our friends’ house and judge how well they’re doing but what kind of hand soap you got. We’ve all done this. You go to your friend’s house, he’s got that green bar soap that says Zest on it. That guy’s a fucking peasant. Don’t associate yourself with that kind of animal. He’s gonna ask you for money, you know what I mean? And then next level up, you got like the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish or the watermelon on it, you know? I like that family. That’s the backbone of America. It’s the middle class Honda Civics of soaps.Hardworking, American family, man, I appreciate that. And then next level up, you got a soap that’s so fancy it doesn’t even dispense soap. It dispenses foam, which is just soap filled with air for an extra $6 a fucking bottle. Because as an American society, we decided we’re way too good to rub our own two hands together to create our own foam, and rather outsource that foaming action to some poor Chinese kid in Gwangju, China to pre-foam it for us. Make America foam again, people, OK.Thank you. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1fd2711b29275be84d4e50f30cc69c65b1321e33 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My mom eventually caved in and she bought the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish on it. But she’s so Chinese, she’s been watering it down for six years now. And now it’s just a bottle water with a fish on it. It doesn’t do shit. Because it’s a good deal.I know I make fun of my parents, but at the end of they day, I love them very much. I think we all do, right? But Asian people, we don’t ever say I love you to each other. That’s just not our thing. One time, I got high and I called my mom. I was like, Mom, I just– I just want to tell you, Mom, I love you. And you can hear her start, like, crying on the other side of the line. She was like, oh, Jimmy, do you have cancer?We just got different ways of showing love. Like when I see my grandmother, I don’t give her a hug. I just give her a solid handshake. We’re not about that hugging. And Asian grandmas, they’re the best. You give her a handshake, she’s like a vending machine. You give her a handshake, out comes a red envelope.And you gotta pretend you don’t want that shit. You’re like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, please, please. OK, thank you.That’s just how we show love.My dad still calls me like 20 times a day just to check up on me. It’s annoying, but I understand that’s how he shows love. I was talking to my friend here, and he was like, oh, I haven’t talked to my dad in three weeks. I’m like, what, is he in jail? He was like, no, I live with him. I just haven’t talked to him in three weeks. I’m like, you do understand, if I don’t call my dad back in three hours, he’s going to call 911. 911, what’s your emergency? My son is dead! It’s like, sir, is everything OK? Is your son dead? He’s like, no, but he’s dead to me. OK, bye.That’s just how we love. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..591f60d533aec674e7c8d5d845aa9e0072435ca3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My parents, they’ve been married for 38 years. Yeah, 38 years. It’s beautiful, man. It’s beautiful, 38 years. One time I asked my dad, I was like, Dad, after 38 years, do you still love Mom? And he was like, (LAUGHING) love? Your mom married me to escape communist China. It’s not love. It’s a good deal.That’s how we show love, people.I’ve been in this country for almost 20 years now. I think I feel every bit American. But I think other people still don’t see that. As an Asian-American, a lot of times, people see you as Asian before they ever see you as American. Even still till today, whenever I tell people I’m from Hong Kong, this is always the first thing they say. They’re like, oh, yeah, you from Hong Kong? Yeah, yeah, dude, from Hong Kong, yeah? Ni Hao. I’m always like– Like, do think that’s impressive or something? I don’t understand the mindset behind that. You coming up to me to say, ni hao, it’s like me coming to you guys after the show, I’m like, oh, you guys from here? Yeah, y’all from here? Hi. It’s not impressive. It’s annoying. It’s stupid. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..468987cea1c7e3e521ebe21a60eb0060fb638aff --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t even like going to Chinese restaurants with some of my friends anymore. Because this is what they do to me every time. They’re like, Jimmy, do you speak Chinese? Do you speak Chinese? Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro. They’re gonna hook it up. Order in Chinese. Bro, bro, order in Chinese, bro. I’m like, bro, we’re at Panda Express.She’s Mexican. Like, what–? Her name tag says Consuela. That’s not Mandarin or Cantonese.Nothing has really changed, you know? Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip to Tijuana, Mexico. Because that’s just what a good American college student would do. And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don’t check anything. They’re just a big revolving door. You walk right in. They don’t even check your ID. It’s easier to get into Mexico than a Costco. You just walk in. And that’s it. But coming back was a totally different story \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..68846f5c62cc3d56906ba94b49ebfc2f6bb5c09e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Coming back from Mexico to the US, there’s no more revolving doors. Now it’s a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M-16 machine guns. And I was super nervous, being an immigrant and all. And my college buddy, Ian, next to me, he was like, Jimmy, don’t worry, man. Just tell him that you’re American. They let you right through. I’m like, easy for you to say, Ian. Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem. I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they’re like, sir, are you an American citizen? I was like, yes. But I forgot one very minor detail– that I wasn’t. I was still an immigrant on a green card, and I wasn’t a full-on citizen yet. Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, and they started interrogating me. They’re like, sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship? I was like, I’m so sorry. I’m drunk and I really wasn’t trying to lie. My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that’s just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction. He was like, well, was he American? I was like, well, his name is Ian, so probably. And then the officer was like, sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense. We could deport you for this. I was like, deport me? I didn’t even know that was an option. What was I going to do back in Hong Kong, restart my ping pong career? That ship has sailed, man. So I was like, sir, please, please, don’t deport me. I’m just a drunk, stupid college. I’m every bit American. I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to. I’m in three fantasy football leagues. If that’s not American, I don’t know what is.And I got very lucky. This is what he said. He was like, look, kid, you got lucky. We’re not gonna deport you today, OK? But just don’t ever do that again, or we’ll send you back to where you came from. And this motherfucker was Asian. I was like, where I came from? We came from the same place, dog? I think I saw you at my uncle’s wedding two years ago. Why you gonna throw me under the bus? That guy definitely watched The Great Wall many times.But that was a very sobering experience. I had been in the country for 10 years at that point, but I still wasn’t American. Nothing has changed. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bd6fbbe2c45f7ce1295781da7113abead29a9cd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I finally got my citizenship three years ago. And it’s–You don’t have to clap. My point is, nothing has changed. Still Asian. Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is gonna come up to me and be like, hey, look, there’s an American! Holy shit, look at him. He looks just like Rocky Balboa.Oh, my god. No, no, no. The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic. So I went to my local Hooters. Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light. I was watching a World Cup. It was USA versus Mexico. And I was like, man, I’m cheering for Team USA. I’m American, finally! And this old Mexican dude came up to me. He couldn’t really speak English, and this is what he said. He was like, amigo! Amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh? And I’m like, what the fuck are you talking about? What, are you trying to start World War 3 or something? I’m not a Korean. He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew.So I really felt the need to explain myself. I was like, sir, I’m not– I’m not Korean. I’m Chinese. And he looked back to his friends, he was like, oh,, huh? And I’m like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, OK? I have Mexican friends back home just like you. He was like, no, I’m not Mexican. I’m El Salvador. And I’m like, oh, great, now I’m the fucking racist!Nothing has changed. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9314e278f2569e3e0e4a7d0a588ce77ab3abdd5c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The first time I used my American passport, I was feeling real good. I was going to Winnipeg, Canada to do some shows. Have you guys even been to Winnipeg?Oh, you, really? Are you guys from Winnipeg? No, just general Canadian pride, I appreciate that. I don’t think anybody in their right mind would go to Winnipeg. Not that– there’s nothing wrong with that city. It’s way too cold and it’s just not that fun. I had to go there for some work, so whatever. But I felt good. I walked through the border. I was holding my blue passport, and I slammed it down in front of the Canadian border patrol. I’m like, I’m American, sir. And he’s like, OK. I didn’t ask you that, but OK. Are you here for business or pleasure? And I was like, shit, I didn’t think that far. I was obviously there for business, but I didn’t get a business visa. So I looked him in the eyes. I was like, sir, I’m here for pleasure. And he looked right back at me. He was like, are you sure? Because nobody comes to Winnipeg for pleasure. The next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box. Nothing has changed. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..154b2eded23dc51a59bf4cf06dd07c42f1de8834 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was hanging out with Julian not too long ago, 1/3 of The Yellow Panthers. We were just in LA on Melrose getting some brunch. And that’s how you know two minorities had made it– avocado toasts. We’re just chilling, minding our own business, right? And this old man came up to us, old guy. He’s wearing a hat that said, Vietnam and Korea War vet. I was like, damn, this guy really hates Asian people. Like, he survived us twice. I better be careful. But he was actually a really nice guy. He was a really nice guy, complete stranger. And he came up to me and Julian. He was like, guys, what you guys are doing right now, it’s exactly the Civil Rights that I fought for in the ’60s. Keep it up. And he just walked away. I was like, what the fuck? I didn’t know there was a Civil Rights march for avocado toast. I was unaware. And Julian was like, no, no, no, no, no, he’s trying to say that he fought for the right for an Asian man and a black man to hang out in public with no judgment. That’s beautiful, right? I was like, no, he didn’t. Jackie Chan fought for that shit in Rush Hour 1, 2, and 3, OK?Because representation matters. That’s how we do change. I just want to see more Asian people out there doing their thing. Don’t listen to your Asian parents. Go pursue your dreams, you know what I mean? Go do your thing, man. I just want to see more Asian brothers and sisters on TV. Like look, there’s nothing more American than NFL Sunday, than football Sunday. But you don’t ever see one Asian person. You don’t see one Asian person in the NFL. I mean, we got that kicker, Younghoe Koo, you know? But he gets cut every two weeks. So that doesn’t– I can’t go buy a new Younghoe Koo jersey every two weeks, you know what I mean? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..94a206427b6740b6598ef9e95e74181fbbe0a900 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/JY_GD_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But what frustrates me, it’s even in the commercials. Even in all the football commercials, you never see one Asian person. Like all these great beer commercials, you got everyone. You got like, even like dumb commercials with, like, a white guy climbing a Rocky Mountain for Coors Light. It’s not even a good commercial. They don’t even sell you on how good the beer is. They sell you on how cold it is. It’s like brewed cold, packaged cold, shipped cold. I’m like, isn’t it ultimately up to my own refrigeration, sir?Latinos got great representation, the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World. That lasted like 15 years, one of the greatest commercials of all time. So I wrote own version of it. It’s called The Most Asian Man in the World. You got an Asian actor on screen, an announcer in the back, and the music starts playing.“He graduated with a law degree, but now he’s a neurosurgeon. He’s 52 years old, but everyone still checks his ID. Whenever he takes a picture, he throws up the victory sign.”You guys every realize, the closer the victory sign is to you face, the more Asian you look? Like, this is normal. This is some Mainland China WeChat shit, you know what I mean?That is some–“He is the most Asian man in the world.” And the Asian brother comes out. (CHINESE ACCENT) “I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, my face turn red. Stay thirsty, my friends.”Thank you guys very much.You guys are amazing. 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sha256:b68ab233ede6ee39b4c33a286abfc255a5c5dce378bbd0805eeae3585401792a +size 2176 diff --git a/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_33.mp3 b/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_33.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e7fe1a5c2320423a990818077bc7743ba09e1e09 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_33.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:7300296a8e149cd84baeff32c7a0ab1ca332c115ff7404330cb07118f74f6c16 +size 2267 diff --git a/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_34.mp3 b/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_34.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..596413c0f892944e170c6540771c1bf829141545 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_34.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:7e711e831a5df46fb4c9f1b46491ddae5c8c83ff1f26db6dcc598c2593fe2df7 +size 2099 diff --git a/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_35.mp3 b/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_35.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b5b95dc69de7b02cbd7875bdb9a7ab6cf8185bc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/KS_DBTG_TMIPITR_audio_35.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:52007c41357e0026e654ab5154a459eaf0ae64e4ee709d3e7bd5ff2a9cc0cff9 +size 2798 diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1c8fd25a305e01f40068c6e4d24b9488cc275d8f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +C.K.! C.K.!Louis! Louis!Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!Thank you.Thank you. Sit down, please. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh… All right. Nice to see you all. Thanks for coming. I’ve been thinking about you all day.How are you? How — how was your last couple of years? How… How was 2018 and ’19 for you guys? Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble, anybody else… Fuck! \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0b0a4ce746bc6d295f3d805843fd2a181318a6d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +That was crazy… Man, I was in a lot of trou– Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface. That’s gonna to be… That’s going to make it a lot worse. Because there is a lot of those, there’s thousands of pictures of me in blackface. I can’t stop doing it, I just… I like it, I like how it feels.Fuck, man, that was… You know what? I learned a lot. I learned a lot — I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant with people giving me the finger from across the room.When you get in trouble, you learn who your real friends are. It’s true — people like saying that like that’s a good thing. Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are? You don’t want to know that. Believe me, you don’t want to know. It’s never who you want it to be. It’s not your cool friends and it’s not your fun friends. It’s your real friends. “I’m here for you.” I fucking know that. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..328067e999c88ea2e87486f6096dad0e4431ebe1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I have this friend, she’s the best person I know, but I sometimes want to punch her in the face because she’s so nice — because I’m not a good person. Like, I’ll tell her something I’m having problems with, and she’ll say, “I’m going to pray on that for you.”I have a feeling when she prays, God’s like, “Ugh! Fuck! This one makes me want to get out of the business.”You guys think there’s a God? How many — How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God. How many people? All right. About 30 out of 1,400. That’s nice. That’s nice. That shit’s over. It’s just fucking over. You go into a church, it’s like going to a roller skating rink on a Wednesday, it’s like… “This used to be something! What happened?”I don’t know. I don’t think there’s a God. And that’s not a conviction. I just don’t suppose. I just — I just reckon there ain’t. I reckon there ain’t no lord. And because I don’t believe there’s a God, I fucking hope there’s not a God. I fuckin’ hope — Oh, please! \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0a10b0b8a9456094144b260377bb0165b9b126f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +If you don’t believe in God, you better fucking hope — you better get on your knees and pray. Please, God, don’t be. ‘Cause that’s a bad thing to be wrong about. That’s a bad wrong. You’re an atheist your whole life and you die and you’re like, “Aw, fuck! Aw, you’re shitting — with a beard and everything. Fuck! Aww… Hey, I — I dunno… Yeah, yeah, I’m going. Yep.”Being wrong the other way is not a big problem. If you believe in God and you’re wrong, you don’t really have a problem. It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life. And then at the end, you’re just seriously disappointed for like a second — it’s the last feeling you get to have. You die, you’re like, “Nothing? Seriously? Nothing?” “Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry.” “Sorry, you’re just garbage now.” If you don’t believe in God, that’s what you believe — that when you die, you’re just garbage. You are your family’s newest garbage. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..acf3535984b3635f5ffd7989acf1710da85bc546 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My mom died last year and we asked her, like, “What do you want,” like, before she died, we didn’t — We didn’t ask her at — “Ma! Ma! Fuck!” I asked my mom what we wanted — what she wanted to do with her body. And she said, “Just burn it.” That’s what she said: Burn it. What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck? She didn’t want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing. So she booked it herself. That was her last act as an American consumer. She went online with a credit card and she booked her own cremation. It’s true — at a place called Boston Crematorium. Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day. They just folded my mom into the workload. We didn’t even know, just this guy showed up. “I’m here for your ma.” “All right, Sully, she’s in there.” And he went in there to prepare her. My sisters are waiting in the hall and he was in there for a while. I didn’t say anything. I’m just… Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time. That’s all I’m saying. And also that I was worried he was fucking my dead mother. Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag and… and he put her in a van. Just a — his van. It’s like a ’98 Ford Windstar with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back. It’s the last time I saw my mom.That’s what she wanted. She didn’t believe in this God shit. Just didn’t. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7650be7b080a0f0ebf1bae646463f6f7d724956a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus… uh, Christ, and, um… I don’t remember why, but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish and my friend said, “He was?” And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish. And he said, “I don’t think so.” And I said, that’s okay, it already all happened. Doesn’t matter where you think. But he’d argued with me. He was like, “Dude, Jesus couldn’t be Jewish. Think about it.” I’m like, “You fucking think about it, you idiot. What d– What was he then? You’re… What, was he Presbyterian? What was he? Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic and he had a gold chain with a cross. And when they nailed him up, he was like, “Oh, that’s why we have those!” “That finally makes sense. I didn’t even know. Oh, fuck, that’s me! I’m the little guy on it!” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4ec4b2bac42d0de4b293504c26f7a753ff12ca2a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Every religion has a strange story or a rule that doesn’t make sense to me. You know, like every time there’s a terrorist act, they always tell you on the news about how they believe they’re all going to heaven. And every guy who does a jihad thing and he gets 72 virgins, that’s right. That’s the story, always 72 virgins. Which, first of all, who are those women? Who are the 72 virgins? Does God have to kill 72 nice girls? “All right, ladies, uh, the good news is you’re going to heaven. The weird news…” Or does God just make ’em fresh like farm raised salmon? He just whips up 72 women. “All right. Nobody fuck these. I’m saving them for that guy.” It’s a weird concept. You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity. First of all, they’re only virgins when you first get them. Once you start fucking them, it’s over. After a week, he’s like, “I only have three left.” “And 69 whores.” That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God’s life when he’s handing off 72 virgins to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv, and he’s like, “All right. Uh… The fuck am I doing? I don’t even know anymore. I need a drink.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..08b6875d30383003e215ef224c6cfd4819eedea0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m curious about God. I’m curious about his life. I’m curious about God’s existence. What’s that like to be God? You know, we don’t know anything about him. I think one reason people don’t believe in him, because we don’t have a sense of God because he doesn’t say anything anymore. Used to talk all the time, used to go up to people on the street, “Hey!” Writing on the rocks — “Look at that! Do it!” And it was conf– Everybody’s like, trying to figure it out. And then for 2,000 years, he just — “Mm, meh.” Nothing! Says nothing! And everybody’s fighting. He could clear a lot of shit up with a five-minute press conference. If God spoke for five minutes, he’d solve a lot of problems. He’d just show up, “All right, everybody, yeah, I’m the Lord. Okay, real quick. First of all, Mormons, just: no. [Laughter and applause] What is that? Just go home. Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck? I don’t know… Put a hat on or don’t, nobody gives a shit. This is weird. I hate these. I hate them. I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day. I do. It’s just my thing. Just so you know. Do what you want, but that’s where you’re going. Now, you know. Also, I don’t care who you fuck. I don’t care. It never mattered. It was Adam and Eve and Steve. They were all fucking each other. I was jerking off to it. It was a great time. So it’s not an issue for me. I don’t know why it is for you. Have fun and use all the holes, that’s what I say. Also, you’re supposed to fuck the animals. That’s why I made them! Why are you not fucking the animals?! There’s only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals. What are the rest of you — You’re eating them?! That’s disgusting! What is wrong with you? How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig.”Sayeth the Lord. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..611c1832ea04fb3d275c5d570fd03211e00ae336 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Well, it’s nice to be in Washington, D.C., where — I was born here. I like it here, ’cause I like any city, I like cities. I don’t like cities that are too advanced. You know, I was in Zurich. And they have so much sh– you know, they’re like, “Here’s the bike, you want a bicycle? It’s yours. Just have it, it’s nice.” And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin’ holes of different shapes — it’s like an IQ test for a monkey. I don’t know what the fuck. There’s one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one is a picture of a cup that’s a little different. I’m standing there with a dead baby, I don’t know where I’m supposed to… What am I suppose to do with that? It doesn’t go in the newspapers slot, but otherwise, I don’t know. I like cities, I don’t like little places. When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities. Everybody tells you, “Don’t go to Madrid. Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day. And then you got to take a train and you have to go to It’s a beautiful little old village and you’re gonna love it.” Fuck you, you don’t know me. I’m not going to love a village in Europe with a bell that goes “pang,” like, whenever, and a dog walking alone. I don’t like cute little places. I don’t like little towns in America either, with little shops. “Oh, look at that little shop! Let’s go in that little shop.” Nah, let’s get a divorce. Isn’t that a better idea? You go in there, I’ll just walk away. Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1dc5f95adc7a3d3b84e9b3c6658ad0c22b455369 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t like little shops. I’m uncomfortable in a little shop. You go in, it’s like, “cli-li-ling-ling, cli-li-ling.” Now it’s just you and her. You’re surrounded by her dream. And you can’t just, “Ugh!” and leave! Well, you… She saw you, you have to go all the way in now and look at all the little crafts that she made.You made this? Really? You made this instead of killing yourself? [Laughter] I fucking wish I was that mean. I really do. All my fantasies are about being mean, just having the balls to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like, “Oh, I don’t like this at all. I don’t like it in here. Unh-uh. What’s your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie. I don’t like your store.I was in Florida recently, I don’t like Florida at all, it’s a shit state full of shit people, that’s what I think. Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing. The whole — the entire — it looks like — it doesn’t look like a dick. People say that; it looks like a shit coming out. If you look at it, it’s like America’s ass, and it’s a shit that’s just — that you’re trying to… And there’s a little — Cuba’s like a little — Pbbt! That came first. That’s what I think of Florida. Every time there’s a hurricane, I’m like, “Yeah, get ’em! Get ’em all, Melissa!” No, I don’t mean any of that. I was just funnin’. Just fun to pretend. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..061b7e3b8d5c3a9c7d5dbdd93bfb56c3be23b20d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida. And it was empty — you ever go in a restaurant and it’s open, but it’s — you’re literally the only person in there. You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know, and you walk in, you’re like, “Are you open?” They’re like, “Yeah.” And you go, “Oh, good.” And you — and they’re like, “Aww, pfft! We gotta fire up the whole fuckin’ restaurant for this one guy now?” So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad for wasting their time, and, um… And I — I didn’t eat most of it because I don’t like sushi. And, um — so the waitress comes over. She’s Japanese and she says, “You no finish?” Which is what she said. I’m not… It’s just what she said, I can’t… I’m not gonna change what she fucking said. I’m not gonna lie to ya and say that she said, “You’re not going to finish that,” because it doesn’t happen to be what she said. And I have to do the accent because it’s weird if I tell you she said, “You no finish?” So I’m stuck. I’m just telling you what happened. She said, “You no finish?” “Whoo, you no finish!” That’s exactly what she said. It’s a perfect replica. No, it was subtle. She said, “You no finish?” And I said, “No, I no finish.” Because I think that’s — I think it’s polite to repeat people’s bad English to them. Otherwise, you’re being a dick, it’s like, “You no finish?” No, I am not going to finish. [Laughter] You left out a lot of words. I took the liberty of restoring them. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4aa57b9658b7e817cacf77bbad166c0ac8cbf438 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was in upstate New York in a small town, and I was standing in front of a drugstore. And in the window of the drugstore, they had a wheelchair on display in the window. Is that really an impulse purchase? “Hmm… I should get a wheelchair. That would really help with my paralysis. Then I wouldn’t have to drag myself everywhere I go like I’ve been doing for 10 years since my legs were blown off at the marathon.”Okay. Okay. Bunch of fuckin’ hypocrites, apparently, because let me point somethin’ out to you. Let me point somethin’ out to you motherfuckers. You are just, like, seconds ago, laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground. You’re just —And then at the end, you’re like, “Oh, but not those particular legless people. No! We thought you meant just some asshole with a childhood disease who deserves to be laughed at. Not one of those.” No, we’re laughing at all legless people equally. However you lost your legs: Ha-ha-ha, you haven’t legs. And we’ve legs. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9ea8d550268295ced162f2222c9cb8bf07a83869 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I have legs — I have two legs. Two fucking legs — that’s the maximum amount. Fuckin’ love having two legs. I fucking love it. I wouldn’t like having no legs. I really don’t think I would like it. I think it would suck. I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ. It’s an old Southern expression, it’s not…. Used like it used to be. I think two legs is better than none. That’s what I think. That’s just my opinion. It’s not popular. You’re not supposed to say that because you’re supposed to always be very positive about disabled people. But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive. What if they don’t want to be? Because the only story we want to hear is about the amazing disabled people — “He’s amazing.” “He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest.” What about disabled people who aren’t amazing, who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt and some potato chips, and he’s going, “Fuck, I wish I had legs.” “No! No, this is better! It’s better with no legs.” “Why is it better?” Because you can do anything now. I can do four things. Fuck off. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..78111986b56faf6654f823772ba1ab8e671c85da --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I just don’t know that our positive non-disabled attitude really helps. Like retarded people — let’s — we’re gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes. Just — that’s what’s gonna happen. We’re going to discuss retarded people for 20 minutes. It’s not okay to not — never speak of them. No, we’re gonna talk about them. First of all, I want — mostly I wanna talk about the word “retarded.” Okay? Because the word retarded, it’s a bad word and people do not like the word retarded, they find it very offensive. Now, I’m a little confused by this because it wasn’t always a bad word. And I grew up in the ’70s and it wasn’t bad back then. And you most bad words were always bad, you know. “Cunt” never had a day in the sun. There was never a… a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like, “C’mere, you little cunt. Tell me what you want for Christmas.” And then in the ’90s, we’re like, “Let’s lay off of ‘cunt’ a little bit there, gang.” No, the word — we used the word retarded in the ’70s, we used it to identify people who were retarded.It wasn’t controversial, it wasn’t like —“He’s retarded.” It was like, “He is retarded.” This fellow right here is retarded, right? I told you, yes, you’re still retarded. He is retarded, everyone.And I grew up in Boston. We didn’t say “retarded” in Boston.We said “re-tah-ded.” “He’s re-tah-ded.” “God bless him, he’s fuckin’ re-tah-ded.” That’s the way we used it! With love: help the retarded. That’s what people said in the ’70s. “Help the retarded.” There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house every Christmas with a bell, she was like, “Help the retarded! Help the fucking retarded!” You gonna tell me she was a bad person? She was helpin’ the retarded.And I feel like we had more of them around back then. I haven’t seen one in years. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7a0bfb971786986c428476ce3e4e5514bd75ca91 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +In the ’70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker on every street corner. They — we were using the word and they were more in our lives. I swear to God, they were more. They were in our culture. There was TV movies about retarded people all the time. “Tonight on ABC, ‘A Retarded Boy’s Dream’.” There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy, I don’t know if you remember Shaun Cassidy, some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy, he began his career as a teen pop idol. He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song called “Da Doo Ron Ron.” And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips. He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like… And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy ’cause he was sexy. Was a sexy boy. I thought he was sexy. I — I thought he was really sexy. I was six years old, but I already had inappropriate sex feelings for teenage boys when I was six. I was an old soul. I was —I was a pedophile when I was six. I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six, I was like, “Hey, how’s it going?” That kid’s weird, he’s got a boner. Anyway.. Not anymore, I outgrew it, but, uh… No. I’m not — I’m not sexually attracted to teenage boys. I’m not. I’m not. But I don’t not get it. I mean, I — I get it. I’m not like, “What?!” Like… You can see it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a76a0167e142bffc45bd1eeaaab130812485c43a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Like, I was in an airport once and I’m walking along where people walk in the airport, and there was these chairs facing the aisle, and there is this family sitting there, a mom and a dad and two teenage boys. And they’re, like, just both sitting with their phones with their legs — they were wearing, like, these shorts — one had cutoff shorts and one had basketball shorts. And they both just had their legs open ’cause they don’t give a fuck, both legs just splayed. And then just this — just smooth. You know, just very… And I saw it. Didn’t give me a — didn’t do anything to me, but I kind of wanted to stop and go, “Hey, fellows, let’s — let’s close that shit up, huh? You’re not getting me, but I know you’re causing a problem for somebody in this airport. Let’s close it up.” I did not say that… Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.Anyway, let’s return to the comfortable subject of retarded people, shall we? [Laughter] So Shaun Cassidy: Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer who then grew up — he was about 18 — he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..527c84cfda7baf4ab0c06e9f500e4b2c3df8d421 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So he started to act, and he had a movie on TV called “Normal People,” where he played a retarded man who wants to live a normal life — it was very inspiring, actually. And at one point he goes to — he didn’t do, like, a big retarded character. He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd. That was the whole thing. So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home he lives in and he says, “I want to get a job.” And the guys who runs it is like, you know, Republican, conservative. So he’s like, “You can get a job, you’re retarded!” You know. But — but then there’s a liberal lady who works there and she says, “Of course he can get a job. He’s as good as anyone!” So they let him get a job as an air traffic controller or whatever was available. And then… He meets a woman who’s also retarded, who lives at the group home. He falls in love with her. It’s a very nice love story. And he says, “We want to get married.” And the guy says, “Brr!” She says, “But they’re in love!” So they get married. And then one day he says, “We want to have a baby.” And the liberal lady says, “No fucking way.” And they just shut them down right there. And that’s the end of the movie. I swear to God, that’s just how it ends. And the point of the movie is just, you know, hey, there’s a limit — like, that’s, I guess, what the point of it was. And that’s pretty intense. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5fe89dec5403c3ba68654211202098901e9024ac --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But, hey, retarded people were on television, we were talking about it, we were dealing with it — and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie. Now, we don’t say the word and I don’t see ’em anywhere. I guess that’s my problem with it. And also, the word is not basically a bad word. It’s a medical term, but it became a bad word because it’s used as an insult, really — not towards retarded people. Nobody does that. Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them. What would be the point of that? That would be like going up to a chair and saying, “You’re fuckin chair!” Like, what are you doing? No. People use it on their friends, like, you’re at a bar, your friend’s like, “I don’t have any more money for beer,” and you’re like, “You’re fucking retarded, you know that?” And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted. They’re not. Do you know why? Because they’re not there! ‘Cause we don’t include them in our lives. They’re not at the bar — How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy that you hang out with? No, you take ’em to the zoo when they’re little him and then fuck ’em.This is what I find confusing about this thing, is that we told many generations of people that they are retarded. We told them that that’s what they are and they lived with it, and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it’s a bad word. So did we tell them this? Did we go back to them and explain this to them? “Listen, Nelson, I have somethin’ to tell you, you’re not retarded anymore.” “You mean I’m cured?” “No! No, no. Nah, we’re not even working on it.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bcabc823e9b56ce52118e8e2cad8839cc2d99c49 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Anyway, I’ve been traveling. I went to France last year because I thought I should leave the nation — felt like a good idea. Would have left the planet if they had another one of those. But… When I went to France, I had a great time. I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France. And we’ve been together since then. It’s been nice.eah, okay, it’s nice having a girlfriend from another country because you learn a lot about that country. I learn a lot about France from being with her. I never knew these things about — like, one time she was sick, and I was taking care of her, so I gave her — she had a fever. I gave her a thermometer and she put it in her asshole.Never seen that before; turns out the whole country, all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes. And they don’t put their eggs in the fridge. They have no respect for temperature in either direction. I’d never — I was like, why are you putting it in your asshole? She said, “You don’t do this? You don’t put here in America?” I said, “No, we don’t put a glass thermometer filled with mercury in our anuses… You fucking savage.” Well, we do it to babies and dogs ’cause they can’t talk. Every American baby’s first words is, “Get that fucking thing out of my asshole.” You ever take your dog’s temperature? You have to hold your dog’s ass still, and then you slip it in there and your dog looks to you like, “Why would you do that?! Why would you do that to me?!” And you’re like, “I could never explain it to you, but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fbe1a501f72d14aefd81be35f76ed7b9335ec76f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Dogs are so dumb, it’s fucking tragic. It’s sad how dumb they are. They’re in our lives and they know nothing about what’s happening. You ever been having, like, a dramatic moment in your family, like, you’re in the living room telling the kids that grandma died, and everybody’s crying, and the dog’s sitting there like…“I know you! Ha!” They’re so stupid! Incredibly stupid animals. They don’t even know their own lives, they don’t even — they can’t even handle their own lives mentally. You ever throw a ball for your dog and your dog gets the ball and brings it, and then you throw the ball again, and the dog brings it. And then one of the times you throw the ball, the dog looks at you like, “I didn’t see what happened. I’m sorry, I… I don’t know anything now. Please help.” So you point at the ball, “There it is, right there. It’s right there.” And the dog just looks at your finger ’cause there’s just no way he’s gonna get this concept that there’s an invisible line… …that he can follow with his imagination. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0dc871b2bfe4d25408b8fff902a8361f5fc4c1e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I have a great dog. I’ve got a dog last year. She’s a great dog. I did not adopt her, I’ll be honest with you. I bought her with money. That’s the truth. People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York, “That’s a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?” I’m like, “No, she’s very expensive. Please don’t touch her.”I did rescue a dog last year, and it bit everyone in my life, so I un-rescued it, and I bought a dog that works. In New York, everybody rescues their dogs, like, “I rescued this dog. I rescued her. She has no eyes and she’s dead.I hate New York, I really do — I used to love New York, but I hate it now, I really — I’d rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City. Honestly, I would. I mean — I mean Auschwitz now. I mean, today Auschwitz. Not back when it was open. I mean, now — it’s nice now. There’s a gift shop. People go there on purpose. They buy tickets. I think that’s weird… That people buy tickets to Auschwitz. That’s weird. If you could have told those people back then, “People are going to buy tickets to come here. Wrap your head around that. Jew.” That’s — All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, never again, I promise.That’s what we say about the Holocaust: Never again, ’cause they killed six million Jews. If they only killed, like, 10,000, would it be like, “Okay, two more times, and then taper off because it’s a little much.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ddac661aaaef627f2acb8392ed5b944c8310967d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’ll tell you, I went to Auschwitz — this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz because I was doing shows in Poland because I had to go to Poland to do shows. So…So… I was in Krakow. I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp, and I went there because of a very personal reason — because I had family there, I had a lot of family there. Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz during World War II. I mean, they were guards, they worked there. No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died. It’s okay. Don’t be offended. It’s true. We lost the whole family there, everybody — the whole — because we were Hungarian Jews. My grandfather on my father’s side, he’s the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them, went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted. But that’s — that’s what happened, because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to — They didn’t — they weren’t even occupied, Hungary, they’re just like, “Yeah, take — take our Jews.” And they sent my whole family there. And they were all — died in Auschwitz, all except for him. My grandfather’s the only one who made it. Because he got the fuck out of there before it started — in the late ’20s, he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out. And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico. And we found his immigration card. My uncle and I did the family history and we found it. It says, “Nationality: Hungarian,” and it says, “Religion: Catholic.” And there’s a picture of him like. [Laughter] He’s like, “Fuck it, they don’t know what a Jew looks like in Mexico — that’s where I’m going!” And that’s why I’m alive, because he made that choice. It’s also why I’m not Jewish, ’cause he was like, “Jew-schmoo, we’re not fucking Jewish. Somos catolicas.” That was my abuelito. Became a fuckin’ Mexican fast.That’s what happened, that’s how he made it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..93496113e5829cacb85a9a663afa0af7a472844b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather. His name was Geza. That was his name. And he had a brother named Geza. It’s weird, but I looked it up, and here’s what happened: His parents had a baby and they named it Geza, and it died — the baby died. So they had another one and they just said, “Fuck it, Geza, just do it again,” because that’s what it was like. Babies died, it was no big deal back then. It was just like, “Yeah, that was a shitty baby. Let’s do another one.” “Why’d your baby die?” “Because it sucked — Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick. Fuck it. This one’s good.”That’s what it was like forever until recently. The human race was all the good babies and the shitty ones, pbbt! That’s just the way it worked. It’s not like that now. Now we save every baby. The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort. Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies. There’s always a documentary, “Look at this baby. He’s a fucking mess. Do you see that shit? We’re gonna save it, make it live.” And the baby’s like, “Please don’t!” But we’d rather — we don’t like when babies die, we get more upset when a baby dies. Who knows this baby? “Did you hear about Jeff?” No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him. And then if you die when you’re old, nobody gives a shit. They’re lie, “Eh, he was here long enough, fuck ’em.” You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di– “My grandmother died.” They’re like, “I’m so sorry. How old was she?” “She was 98.” “Oh. So why’d you even tell me?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8c77f299a96c5d77e2b230f95e490a4165c0f990 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life. It’s my favorite so far. I’ll tell you why. Because I can still move around pretty good. And I don’t have long to live. I view that as a positive. Because life is a lot of pressure. The more life you have ahead of you, the more problems you have. Like, if you’re 20, you might have 70 years to try not to be homeless or alone during. But I can — I got maybe 24 years left. I can handle that, like, that’s an amount of time, like, “Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that. I can cover 24 years.” And it gets easier every year less that I have. Like, I bought a winter coat the other day I was like, “This is my last coat. I don’t need a bunch of these. Gets easier.I used to — I used to think I have to — I need to find a woman who will be with me forever. I need string of girlfriends at this point. Just a few more girl– I need three women in their 40s to get me through my 50s, and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s. And then when I’m 75, 21 years old. That’s when I’m doing that. Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money. Just blow me to my grave and keep the change. That’s the offer on the table for anybody who’s 21 when I’m 75. She hasn’t been born yet, but we’ll see with the… we’ll see what the new crop brings. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ea45d951b68c846b882477c80a29a12d1bfa355b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My French girlfriend, she’s 42, which is perfect. She’s pornographically hot, but she’s willing to fuck this mess. Because you — really you have to be over 40 to have the compassion and the sense of humor to fuck around… She likes to be on top, which I think is, that’s ’cause that’s the best that I ever look is laying on my back because you just — all the skin lays where it belongs. Like it just drapes nicely. I like about 49 and a half when I’m on my back. And if I get on top of her, I just — it comes off. It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork. And this shit, when you hang this, it’s all red and bumpy. It’s like the roof of a cave. It’s a nightmare. And my tits are like flappy triangles with red tips. They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on.But it’s nice, uh… nice having a girlfriend, it’s better than being married because, you know, with a girlfriend you can switch, and, uh… Marriage is — fuck, that’s hard. I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages. That’s — if you’re in a bad marriage, by the way, you know what you should do? Just at stay home. Don’t make people — just self-quarantine. Don’t make people fucking look at you. You know, those couples that come over for dinner and they’re holding a gun to each other’s heads like, “Hi, thanks for having us.” Fuck. There’s always that awful moment at dinner. One of them’s like, “We saw that show on Wednesday.” The other one’s like, “It wasn’t Wednesday.” We’re going to fucking puke because of your life. Oh, that’s bad. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0f3366a556d30ef8a6f2073db8fc42884bf9e4bc --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on and they had been sat separately. There was some mistake. So they’re trying to figure it out. And the woman, she’s supposed to sit here, she comes up to me. She says, “Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?” And he’s behind her. He’s like… And I wanted to help them, but what am I going to say to his wife? Just, “No, I won’t move.” Then I have to sit with her. So I just got off the plane. I didn’t go on the trip. I got off the plane and it took off and it hit the World Trade Center. So that was… Yeah, that was bad. I’ll never forget that day. Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary. That was wildly unnecessary. I dunno, man. I’m sorry. I’m fucking mentally ill, I don’t know…I’ve been thinking about this: I think the thing is, I think — I think I learned too early in my life that when I say something and people get angry, I just like how that feels. I don’t know why, but I learned it too early, I think that’s the problem. I learned that when I was 6. That’s too young for that kind of… You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6. I learned them all in one day from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood. I don’t know if he lived there or what, but there this old dude with a shitty coat and a dark tooth that was always walking around my neighborhood. And if you’re a kid walking alone, he’d walk up and, “Hey,” talk to you — because it was the ’70s. You could just walk up to kids and talk to ’em. Now you can’t even fuck ’em, it’s crazy how things are… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9f2ccaa71fd0a253f9e4684b3ca1d9ad50049518 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Sorry. I know it’s wrong to fuck kids, by the way, just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong. I don’t even need to be told. I just know that it’s wrong. I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular. Even if people were like, “You should fucking kids, it’s great,” I wouldn’t do it. Even if the kids came out to me all the time, “You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn’t mind at all.” I would say, “No thank you, young man.” Even if doctors proved… …that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them, I wouldn’t do it. I would — I would — I wouldn’t fuck a kid to save his life. That’s… Even even if somebody said to me, “If you fuck just this one kid, then no kid will ever get fucked ever again.” I might have to fuck that one kid. That might be the right thing to do. I’m saving all those kids. Oh, I’m saving them all. Not you, not you. You’re the last one. It’s hypothetically. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5f32594cbd34eb385733af2c9e9a8d5ca49fb05e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street and he and he said, “Hey, do you want to know all the bad words? And I said, “Yes, I think I do.” So he’s like, “All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum.” And I was like, “Oh!” Just felt so good. I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said, “Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart.” And she started crying. It’s a true story. She was like — Started crying. I had a boner. I was so happy. It was the best moment of my life. I had to go to the principal’s office. He said, “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” I said, “No, but I eat her pussy with it.” Yeah. Yeah Yeah! \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5dce2d32ea5591e5ee9ad30e884b8f32065be844 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Anyway, relationships are tough. That’s what I’m talking about. I used to date a woman who was a vegan, so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh… ‘Member when meeting a vegan was weird? Remember when there was like a strange thing, like, “Oh, what is — what is that?” Like, you probably met your first vegan in the ’90s. You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan and they said, “Just so you know, I’m vegan,” and you’re like, “I’m sorry, you’re a vegetarian?” And they’re like, “Heh, no.” All right, what is the thing? And they tell all the… Huh? Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah, I have no food for you. You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don’t care. But then you met another vegan and you’re like, “Okay,” and then — and now they’re everywhere, now who cares? There’s several vegans and restaurants and whatever. It’s kind of like gay people sort of a similar trajectory of growth and acceptance in the culture. You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common — like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving. That’s when they have to tell them. And Dad gets angry. “Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey, and you’re telling me you’re a fucking faggot?!” You know, it’s drama. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..052eef00affef6b2711538fa82da589565003b14 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But those are the old days, things are better now. I think it’s pretty amazing when you think about it. People used to say that being gay was wrong. Pretty recently, folks used to — like, most people used to say that being gay was wrong, ‘course it’s not wrong to be gay. I mean, it’s pretty gay but it’s not wrong, but that’s what people used to say. And now nobody says that. And I think that’s a positive change. I think that’s a good thing, although I do wonder if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong. Maybe there’s a few who miss when it was — ’cause wasn’t it a little more fun, when it was like, “This is fucking crazy.” Didn’t that… Didn’t give it a little zhuzh. A little… I could lose my job. Aw, fuck… Because… Now they’re like everybody else, which is great. And they can get married. That’s terrific. But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house? Wasn’t it more fun to be in an old nightclub at 4:00 in the morning, like, “I’m breaking my mother’s heart. Oh, yeah.”I don’t know, I don’t even mean just gay people, just some people like when sex is a little fucked up. You know? “Some people!” Some people like when sex is a little fucked up.All right.No… All right now, you want to talk about this? Should we talk about it?Yeah, all right, all right. I don’t mind — I don’t mind talking about it. Okay. Um… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5113d36e14377d828345376f7b5434cd3edd0b5b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Here’s what — I’ll give you some advice. Here’s some advice that really only I can give you. Here’s my advice: if you ever ask somebody, “Can I jerk off in front of you?” Let me finish. I mean — I mean… Let me finish what I’m saying! Ah… Ah, fuck. Okay. If you’ve ever ask somebody, “May I jerk off in front of you,” and they say yes, just say, “Are you sure?” That’s the first part. And then if they say yes, just don’t fucking do it. Just — just don’t do it. ‘Cause, look, whatever you’re into, okay? ‘Cause everybody’s got their thing. Whatever your thing is, I don’t know. You all have your thing. I don’t know what your thing is. You’re so fucking lucky that I don’t know what you’re thing is. Do you understand how lucky you are that people don’t know your fucking thing? ‘Cause everybody knows my thing. Everybody knows my fucking thing now. Obama knows my thing. Do you understand how that feels? To know that Obama was like, “Good lord!” Everybody in the world knows my thing. I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like, “Mama, that’s the guy who jerk off in front of the people!” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e2fcd4429b2cbe684ec4f8a96e80ce01e68e7e47 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So whatever your thing is, I don’t know what it is, maybe you can’t cum unless you have your father on speaker phone, whatever it is. If you want to do it with somebody else, you need to ask first, but if they say yes, you still don’t get to just go, “Whoo!” And charge ahead — gotta check in often. I guess that’s what I would say. Check in, because it’s not always clear how people feel. Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. But the thing is, women know how to seem okay when they’re not okay. So you can’t just look at her face be like, “Yeah, her eyes are dry. We’re fine. We’ll just keep going” — You gotta check in. ‘Cause sex — communication, during sex can be very confusing, like, sometimes, you’re with a woman, you’re having sex, she’s making noises, she’s going, like, “Ooh, ahh.” And you’re like, “Oh, she loves it.” Not necessarily. Sometimes they’re making those noises just to get through it, because it’s easier to go, “Ooh,” than to say, “I hate how you fuck me. Honestly, it’s awful.” So she goes, “Ooh, baby!” It’s kind of like a Negro spiritual, it’s sort of similar. So to assume that she likes it is like if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they’re like, “Hey, you’re having a great time out there!”As far as my thing — I dunno what the fuck… People are like, “Why do you want to do it anyway?” Okay, oh, no. I like jerking off, I don’t like being alone. That’s all I can tell you. I — I get lonely! “Where is everyone?” It’s just sad. I like company. I like to share. I’m good at it, too. If you’re good at juggling, you wouldn’t do it alone in the dark. You would gather folks and amaze them.Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about that shit. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_33.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_33.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..61100631a04d2a001f055440ab031fe87ec2d30e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_33.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Well… Let me ask you a question. You ever wonder how many people ever fucked your mom? We’re almost done. You’re doing great. This is important to me. You ever look at your mom and go, like, “Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?” I lost my mom. So those are the things I don’t know. So I’m curious. I don’t feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom. Not ’cause she’s, like, pure, because, like, I don’t think so. But I hope it was as many as she wanted. That’s what I hope — I hope she got all the dicks she ever dreamed of because I loved her. I hope at the end, my mom was like, “That with plenty of dicks. Whew-hoo!” But I’ll never know — because you don’t know your mom. That’s the truth — you don’t really know your mother. You feel like you know her, but you know what she told you. She didn’t tell you shit. You don’t tell your kids your life. What did your mother tell you? “I won a swimming medal when I was 12.” She didn’t tell you, like, “I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing.” She didn’t tell you that. Think about your mom’s life story as she told it to you. There’s huge holes in that story. “Well, I graduated when I was 22 and then I met your father when I was 35.” “Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_34.txt b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_34.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2dc06be5f67007fe3172bf4440dcafee8a5b9d38 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/LCK_SY_text_34.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know those movies where you’re — where a mother and a daughter switch bodies. You ever seen a movie like — it’s always like, “Freaky Friday,” some Disney comedy where a mother and a daughter switch bodies and then they’re like, “Whoa!” Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together. And then they switch back and they know each other better. That’s the formula I think they should make it another one of those movies. But it should be about a mother who switches bodies with her son. But it’s not a comedy, it’s a drama — like a medical affliction. They’re upset the whole time. She’s in the bathroom in the morning, “I’m holding my son’s penis. It’s confusing.” And her son is in her body, he’s like, “I don’t want to be my mommy anymore. I don’t like how it feels.” And his dad comes home and he starts fucking ‘im. “Oh, God! What’s happening now? I don’t like this, but I don’t want to say no to my dad.” And then at the end of the movie, they never switch back.You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight. It was a pleasure talking to you. Get home safe. Thank you very, very much. Goodnight. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_01.mp3 b/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_01.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9229192a6ed3aaa6585119592d5c125791b82b26 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_01.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:36f14e28690546a049a44e74682ae97b8704aa9e8300a67a6b893b1949a9c7ea +size 1947 diff --git a/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_02.mp3 b/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_02.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..58be3bbde819b2c7b31fc2029503a6fca67b0eac --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_02.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:eaf6509b326545bebb0517d401316e57cc7e144735f96eff1b2c94653f8697d5 +size 2235 diff --git a/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_03.mp3 b/data/funny_text/MM_S_audio_03.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 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sha256:7f6438845b08ac8792a5a9927fdf365bae3a7133db26f734860a0c5bc3f4fb77 +size 2472 diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cbd9485f1a0a7d37881e52505a0d9bd0d19a0753 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +All right. This is it. Uh, this is fun, huh? This is… Yeah. I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year. Out of all the years, this has been the best one. I mean, I don’t… You know, there’s aliens. They said there’s UFOs. And no one cares. That’s… What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in, “Hey, everybody, on the news…” At the end of the news! They go, “There’s UFOs.” You’re like, “Aw, do they have COVID?” And you’re like, “No.” “I don’t know. They won’t get tested.” +But, uh… It’s funny, I told my wife that. I said, “They said there’s UFOs,” and she just went about her day. I mean, just… You might even watch this and be like, “I didn’t hear that.” That’s the point. That’s how amazing 2020 has been. +I also feel this is a good year to see where your friends are at. You know? You want to be in the middle, I think. And I’ve got friends that, they take a shower with their mask on, and they sleep with a mask on, ’cause they have a hamster, and the hamster probably has it, and they live alone, it’s just them and the hamster. +And I also have friends that I don’t think have even heard about COVID. I… It looks like someone told them to try to go get it, that’s how they’re living. +I have a lot of friends, too, they tell me they already had it. There’s a big… They’re like, “I had it, I had a fever.” Uh… “February, had a fever for a couple hours, so probably had it.” +I had one friend, he told me he had it in 2015. He’s… I mean, convinced. He goes, “I had it in 2015.” “I was the first, and it just didn’t catch on like it has now, but…” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..30386aa70b6a04eb4817eeac4bbd7214485670a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +I can tell you one thing that’s gone forever is coughing in public. That’s… That’s a wrap. I mean… You drink water wrong at a restaurant, just go walk in traffic. Um… Whole restaurant just stops. Your table would be like, “Get out of here. Get out of here.” +You know who that’ll hurt the most, the cough in public? My parents, ’cause that’s one of their favorite things to do, is cough in public. They love it. That’s all they do. They cough everywhere. My dad’s choking constantly. Just always… If he’s not choking, that’s when we get worried. That’s how much choking… We go to a restaurant, they’re like, “Is your dad okay?” I’m like, “I didn’t…” “Yeah, that’s just what he does.” You know? + +I’ve been traveling all over the country during this COVID, and what I’ve seen is… Look, in the middle of the country, they’re doing good. I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks, doing what they’re supposed to. A lot of people are doing it, we’re trying. We take our temperature. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They took my temperature. You telling me that teenager doesn’t know what he’s doing? Is that what you’re… Don’t think he’s going to doctor school? That’s how they get started, is he takes temperatures, and he’s like, “45 degrees. You’re good.” Uh, yeah, you’re, like, 60 degrees from the problem. So I don’t, you know… And they’re not even worried about it. “Fifty-seven degrees.” You’re like, “Actually, I’m dead, dude.” “That’s not good.” I asked, “Does that even work?” “I don’t know. When it beeps, I just tell them to go ahead.” I… I swear, one kid said, “Beep.” I don’t think his beep worked, and he goes, “Beep.” And I was like, “Was that…” And he goes, “You’re fine.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5e733c6395473c403ec63010c10a7bf905adf8d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I’ve done pretty good during COVID. I, uh… ‘Cause I feel like you could either… I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways. If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time. I mean, everybody’s fine with it. You can just do it, but I’ve been doing all that up until COVID. I’ve always lived by that rule. So during COVID, I was like, “I need to stop.” And my neighbor started working out in his driveway. So he’s like, “Let’s work out in my driveway.” And, you know, it’s hard to make excuses during COVID. You’re like, “I’m just so busy.” “I’m just… I can’t, I got a lot of stuff to do today.” And he’s just out there. So I started to do it with him, and he had a trainer, and I’m not a big fan of working out, never done it. And I told them, “I just wanna do upper-body stuff.” And they go, “All right. Well, how about we just do legs every day?” That’s all it is, is legs. I think it’s a huge conspiracy with trainers that you never actually do your upper body, and when you are doing it… I asked him, “Is this upper body?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Yeah? ‘Cause I’m bending down quite a bit.” +What I eat, that’s the main problem. I eat like a child. I eat… I mean, it’s not good. He goes, “Let’s go through what you had for breakfast, your whole day of eating.” He goes, “Let’s go through yesterday.” And in my head, I’m like, “Yesterday’s not a good day.” “Let’s pick another day.” Uh… He goes, “Go through yesterday.” I go, “All right, I had donuts in the morning.” And he goes, “All right, was it like they were just out or something?” I go, “No, I drove. I drove to it.” “I drove to it.” He’s like, “Is it on your way?” I go, “No, I was late to where I was going because of it.” +He goes, “What about late-night snacking?” I was like, “Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night.” He goes, “Did you watch a movie?” I go, “No, just regular TV.” And he’s like, “The little kid bag?” I go, “No, it was a bag. It was a bag of ’em.” “If you saw it without a label and someone said, ‘Hand me that bag,’ they wouldn’t be confused on what you were asking.” I always have trouble going to sleep, and I swear, every doctor… It’s like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda, and I’m like, “What’s going on, man? I can’t…” “Dude, at night, my brain just doesn’t stop.” And they’re like, “Yeah, dude, you can’t eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.” “Maybe that’s a problem.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bd42122714180260b4c2b25f1f945e2a99b62514 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +We’ve been traveling around like crazy. Did all these drive-in dates that have been super fun. I like traveling, love being on the road. I remember one time, I was in Los Angeles, and I was going to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas the next day, and I had a really early flight. I remember the night before, I was like, “Just be normal, have a normal night.” And ended up hanging out, became a bit of a problem. [chuckles] And I wake up the next day, and my flight is gone. I’ve missed it, and it’s not like it’s at the gate, it is in Austin, Texas. They are checking into their hotel. So I go to get my phone to get another flight, and I’ve lost my phone. The night before, I’ve lost it. So now I don’t have my phone. So I have to go buy a ticket over the counter like it’s the ’50s. And when you walk up to a counter, they don’t expect you to be buying a ticket like that. I got up there, and they’re like, “All right.” I was like, “I would like one ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” And they said, “All right, go buy it and don’t be weird about it.” I go, “No, I’d like to write a check to you for one ticket to Austin, Texas.” They didn’t have a flight, so I have to do that at every terminal. I just have keep going, “One ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” I finally found a flight, but the girl behind the counter, she’s never sold a ticket like that. “I’ve worked here for ten years. No one’s ever done this.” “I don’t know how to do it.” She went back and got probably the oldest lady I’ve ever seen. I think she’s there for just this reason. She came out, she had that old credit card machine that you run. She’s like, “I got it. I’ve been… This is super fun for me.” It was weird to not have my phone. Everybody has their phone. I was going through the airport, and you just don’t have it, and you just stare. I mean, we were waiting in line, and you’re just looking ahead. I mean, people are just like, “All right, dude, what is wrong with you?” Just regular people… Like, “Where’s your phone?” I’m like, “I don’t have it.” “I’d like to talk to you, though, if you’ll talk to me.” “I’d love to chat for a little bit.” I thought I was going to breeze through security, but I got held up ’cause of the guy in front of me. He goes through the metal detector, and it goes off, and so they ask him, “Do you have anything metal on you?” And he goes, “I have keys on me, my keys.” And we thought he was gonna say his knee or hip, you know, just… Old people have metal in them a lot. And he goes, “Keys? Do you think that would do it?” You’re like, “That would be the number-one answer on Family Feud of what would set a metal detector off.” “Keys.” I told him, “Look, let’s try it with and without it.” “I’d love to know. Maybe they’ve been lying to us about this key thing.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fde09d84b1d30af5efb028df708dfbb3bfe7c988 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So I’ve been doing these drive-in shows, these drive-in movie theater shows, and my buddy Nic Novicki‘s been with me. And Nic’s a little person, very fun. We started comedy together. Nic’s very fun to be friends with, very easy to trick. We were once at a coffee shop, and a guy was sitting near us with a big husky dog. And Nic just goes, “Hey, you think that’s a wolf?” And I just said, “Yeah, I do think it’s a wolf.” Uh… “They just passed a law that if you can catch a wolf, you can have it as a pet.” He goes, “Should I go ask him about it?” I was like, “Absolutely. I mean, he wants to talk about it.” “That’s why he brought that wolf out here.” I watched him walk over to him and just go, “Excuse me, is that a wolf?” And the guy, he didn’t really know how to answer. He’s like, “What?” “I mean, you think I brought a wild wolf to this coffee shop… and the wolf’s just being cool about it? It’s not losing its mind right now?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bb2f104580f4a594c21d9de6c7ee10a6e0b6fd91 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +When we were doing these drive-in shows, we were all on a bus together, I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. He brought… All his references are just ’90s sports references. [chuckles] He only can reference the ’90s. So he brings up Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. I was like, “Who’s that?” He’s like, “What? You don’t know who they are?” I was like, “I don’t think anybody knows who they are.” He goes, “Dude, this was a huge story. Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit.” I was like, “I’ve never heard this, dude. Don’t you think I would’ve heard it?” I was like, “No one knows this.” And he’s losing his mind. I go, “They should make a 30 for 30 if it’s that good.” He goes, “They did!” Another guy’s like, “They should make a movie about it.” He goes, “There’s a movie!” He’s just losing it. +One of my favorite ones was… This was forever ago. We’re going to a friend’s house, and it was a four-flight walk up, and so we had to walk up four flights. Obviously, I walk faster than Nic, and I used to wait for him, but we’ve just been friends too long, I can’t. We’re like an old married couple. I’m just gone. So I knew where we were going, and I knew that he did not. So I leave him and I go into my buddy’s apartment. I was like, “Nic doesn’t know where you live, so that’s fun, you know, let’s just see what happens.” About 30 minutes go by. Nic finally comes into the apartment, and I asked him, “Where were you?” He goes, “I didn’t know where to go.” I go, “I know.” “So you’ve been gone for a long time. Did you go back outside?” He goes, “No, I’ve been in someone else’s apartment all this time.” He went into someone’s… He was just trying handles. And a door opened, he walked in, said, “I’m with Nate,” and went and sat on their couch. That’s how far he made it. Think about where your couch is. That’s how deep he made it in their place. And he’s so confident, they had to be like, “I don’t know. Maybe we know a Nate,” you know? diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..75701ee639880f7e10d6eb7f02907f3eeb4b07b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I can’t wait to get back to the old days of just not doing good inside a building. That’s all you want, you know? There’s… One of the last, kind of, bombs I had… So as comedians, we do a lot of corporate events, and I was doing this corporate event in Tampa, Florida. It was for this guy, he ran Tampa’s electricity or something. I don’t know what anybody does, but he invented the electricity in Florida, so… Yeah, he’s doing real good. And… He was a very nice guy, he’s very generous. It was all of his employees, he was raffling off two cars. He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads… I mean, honestly, probably $100,000 worth of gifts he was giving back to his employees. Very nice. Well, I was one of these gifts that he was giving back, so in the middle of giving this stuff away, he stops and goes, “All right. Got a big surprise for you.” “Can’t believe we got this guy to come here.” And he brings me out. I mean, nobody’s heard of me at all. They’re all looking at me like, “I think I could get this guy to come to my house. I mean, who is…” +I start doing my act. I do one hour, and just zero laughs. I mean nothing, and I’m not doing new jokes. I’m doing the greatest hits. I told the “iced coffee with milk” story three times. I… diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..836a3ca0eddad8938f63927827d3f6dced105490 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I kept just doing it. I was like, “I’mma do it one more time. I don’t think y’all were listening.” Uh… People were leaving. The guy that drove me asked someone that left, he goes, “Is the comedy show almost over?” The guy goes, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” “There’s a guy giving a speech up there now, so maybe after that.” +So we get done, and then the guy comes up. You know, I have to talk to him, and I was like, “Look, I’m sorry, man.” “I used to be able to do comedy, and I lost it, you know? It’s over.” And he was very nice, he goes, “No, it’s all right, nothing’s your fault.” I was like, “I don’t know how that’s possible.” And he goes, “Well, when you were up there, I remembered that most of my employees do not speak English.” And I was like, “All right, yeah, that’ll do it.” You know? Maybe don’t hire an English-only-speaking comedian. No heads up at all. Not that I could have changed it up, but it just would have been nice to know. diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f482fdf6aec82fbaa0fc14da29c25b8565ff1837 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +So I have a daughter, and my daughter’s name is Harper. So a lot of people ask, “Did you name her after Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?” And, you know, I’ve never thought about an author a day in my life, so… That never occurred to me. I mean, my middle name is Lee, and it just never crossed my mind. +Uh… I love having a kid. We… I love when kids cry, it’s just innocent. I love how innocent it is. They cry over a tag in their shirt. I mean, they bawl. They don’t like… It feels weird. And then, you could be like, “Is your house on fire?” I’ve never seen someone cry this much. It’s over nothing. +She’s on her iPad a lot. You know, that’s the hard part. You got to get these kids off… You don’t want technology all the time. She just sits there on her iPad. She wants to be a YouTuber, which, as a comedian, makes me furious. She watches these kid YouTube videos, and now she makes her own videos. It’s just her sitting there going, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” “Click the links below, subscribe, leave a comment.” None of this is anywhere but my phone. I got 90 hours of this. It’s not on YouTube. Me and her mom are the only subscribers. She just watches kids playing with toys. Like, that’s what’s crazy. It’s not like a show. I’d be fine if she watched a show. She watches just a kid that’s like, “Hey, you don’t have this toy, I do.” “You want to see me open it?” It’s got five billion views. It looks like we buy her nothing, like, we just show her. “If you wanna watch a kid have fun, but you’ll never have fun in this house!” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a35d82b2e226e744fb3cd72869204a47c2338eb5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +We take her out, we go do stuff. I would take her to Chuck E. Cheese all the time. You can go there, they had COVID in ’84. So there’s… Yeah. It can’t even survive in there, that’s what… Chuck E. Cheese is rough. I don’t know if you’ve been there in a while. They look like they’re trying to go out of business and they can’t. I… They filed for bankruptcy and they’re still open. They called Blockbuster and were like, “How do you get out? We want out.” +[audience applauds] + +They’re updating nothing. That Chuck E. band is just robotic. I mean, the drummer doesn’t even turn on, it just sits like that the whole time. They sell booze to parents now, they just give them buckets of Bud Light. They’re drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m. When someone drives those kids home, I don’t see Ubers and Lyfts showing up. +There was a Chuck E. Cheese that got caught, if people didn’t eat all their pizza, they’d put it back out on the buffet. And that would shut down any normal business. And with Chuck E. Cheese, they have thrived. I mean, when I read the story, I was like, “I thought that’s what they were doing.” “I thought we agreed that’s fine.” I didn’t know what the article was about. +Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too, and parents don’t like that, when you say it. They’re like, “You gotta keep them outside. Don’t look at them.” Uh… It’s my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. So we’re hitting all the sights, and I’d be… When I travel a bunch, and I’d get home, I’d want us to sleep in the bed together. and I’ve built up a habit now, it’s happened. So it’s tough, though, because kids don’t know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I’m on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I sleep with my head on the nightstand. It’s the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital. diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4f37774c612654f15c075632a6b236fd4cc97171 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +She’s also apparently going through menopause ’cause she’s the hottest human being that’s ever lived. I’m freezing at night. She kicks all the covers off. You’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead. It’s your bed. We’re lucky to be in it.” +She’s gotta get out at some point, you know? I don’t know. She’ll be 37 years old… “Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?” Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed. Her husband left a while ago, he ain’t gonna put up with that. +Um… I remember, I’d fall out of a bunk bed. I slept in a bunk bed, I was on the top bunk, and I would get over a railing, and just fall six feet to the ground, and just land… I mean, you don’t catch yourself, it’s just whatever hits first. All your body weight just lands on your head. I got a full-blown concussion, I’m crying. My parents are like, “Just go back to a deep sleep for seven hours.” +I’ve had three concussions in my life, and none of them because of sports. Just living life, man, you know? Stuff happens to your head. What are you going to do? One was in high school. I got pushed into a wall headfirst, and it took them three class periods to figure out I had a concussion. That’s how much I was bringing to the table. I mean, two teachers didn’t even notice, and the third one was like, “He wasn’t facing forward, and that’s when I realized.” “He’s one of the better facer-forwards I’ve ever had, so I knew.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..dbeffc9ce6a3956ee4cfd5df7886be041a57848d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +My biggest concussion was when I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff. So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee, and we used to climb down this cliff into Old Hickory Lake, and we’d done it a ton of times. And so one day, I slip and fall. So my friend that I’m with, he goes and gets my mom. There was a guy fishing in a boat down in the lake, and so he sees me and he gets me into the boat. He takes me over to some stairs, which he had to be like, “Why didn’t he just use these stairs?” They were right next to that cliff. [chuckles] It didn’t even make sense. Uh, there was two guys at the bottom of the steps, and he goes, “This kid fell. Can you carry him up?” So they carry me up. And now my mom’s in an ambulance in her pajamas. My dad, who I think everybody knows now is a magician, and he’s doing a show in a full tuxedo. So they get to the hospital, the doctor starts talking to my parents. I mean, my mom looks homeless. My dad’s in a tuxedo. It looks… It looks like they’re divorced and someone’s not paying child support. +So we’ve never known who was in the boat or the guys that carried me up the stairs. We’ve never known who it was, and we always wanted to thank them. Those guys truly saved my life, and we could just never find out who it was. So we never knew. So I tell you that to tell you, uh, last year, my dad is doing a show. He does these magic shows in prisons. So he’s doing a show at a prison, and during the show, one of the inmates just stands up and says, “I know your son.” Which is probably not the best place, as a father, to hear that. Just like, “I know your boy. He keeps his mouth shut. He’s good people.” [chuckles] So… My dad, he goes, “Hey. All right, how do you know my son?” And he was one of the guys that carried me up those stairs that day. I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old, and we’d never known who carried me up those stairs, and it was him and his brother, and then his brother saw me on The Tonight Show, and was like, “That’s that kid we carried up those stairs that day.” So it’s pretty crazy. So since then I’ve been actually bringing him out to shows. I’m gonna bring him out tonight. And… No, he’s not here. He’s in prison, but, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Trust me. Look, he would love to be here. Trust me. Uh… I mean, yeah, he’d kill to be here, to be honest, but… There’s one day. One day, I’ll get him. I did find out why he was in prison, which was crazy. So it was that same day. So they just carried a body down those stairs, and you can imagine the frustration to then be handed another body. Yeah, and you’re like, “Dude, are you serious?” “Like, we just did this, man.” You know? All right, that part I made up. But the rest, I swear the rest of it is true. diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4550afecacc23c8c8f5288d99b983951a4a77060 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Our daughter is in third grade, and for first grade, she started taking the bus, and it was the first time she ever took the bus. So you know, as a parent, you walk them to the bus stop, it’s very fun. So we got her on the bus, she went to school. At the end of the day, someone from school called my cell phone. They have my wife’s cell phone, they have my cell phone. They called my cell phone, and she said, “Do you know what bus number your daughter’s supposed to be on?” And I said, “I’m her dad.” As in, “Are you cra…” I was like, “This is how you thought you’d get this information, was to call the dad?” “You saw Mom and Dad’s cell phone, you go, ‘I bet the dad knows.'” I was like, “Do you have parents? You ever seen a family before?” “You thought, ‘Let’s call the husband’?” “Unless there’s two husbands, you should never call a husband a day in your life.” “I’d rather you ask a lady that doesn’t know her.” “I think she could get to the bottom of it quicker than I can.” I had to go get her. “All right, I’ll come get her.” “Tell me the name of the school and I’ll come get her. Where does she go?” +When you pack lunches now, you got to be careful ’cause a lot of kids have peanut allergies now. And our daughter actually has a cashew allergy, with tree nuts. And so I don’t know what tree nuts are, but it could kill my daughter. The doctor goes, “Can’t have tree nuts,” and that’s it. He left. And I was like, “We’d love to know… I didn’t know where nuts came from, but apparently they come from two different places, and one of them’s a tree.” +I feel bad. Look, I want to defend all these kids with peanut allergies. I don’t think they get defended. They get yelled at by adults. We got a lot of adults addicted to peanuts in this country. And they’re furious. I haven’t had peanuts in forever. You take peanuts out of my life, I don’t think I’d notice. And we just have… Adults are yelling at these children like they chose it, like when they were born, the doctor goes, “Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?” Every scenario is life and death. You ever been on a plane? They just announce it. These planes… Just serve pretzels and be done with it. But they try every flight, and if they can’t, they just go, “All right, everybody, can’t have peanuts today ’cause of that loser kid right there.” And these grownups are booing him. “The only reason I’m on the flight is for the peanuts.” “I don’t even know where it’s going.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c0b5405b4704606e93a18585479a72b6f16edd89 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +We’re doing homework too. Our daughter started bringing it home. Homework’s fun. First and second grade was awesome. Third grade, you’re like, “Okay.” They throw some stuff in, you’re like, “Oh, all right. All right.” It’s, uh… “Okay, learning it earlier than we used to, huh?” I don’t even know if that’s true, but… She brought home Common Core math. That’s fun. It’s a new math they invented, no heads up. Just give it to parents that never learned it. Uh… It’s just a whole new… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They bring it home, you gotta watch a 40-minute YouTube video on Common Core math. I don’t even understand it. If you know it… If you don’t know Common Core, it’s just a new math. And the goal of Common Core is to use one sheet of paper for every problem. You… You just want to keep breaking the problem down. You put the problem at the top, and it just keeps going. And then what’s even funnier is you see old math in the middle of it. As you break it down, old math gets in there and you’re like, “Oh! Just do that at the top. I don’t even know what we’re doing.” It’s not like old math isn’t working. Old math still… I don’t get incorrect change everywhere, just going, “This stupid old math!” +It’s a long way to get at the same answer. I told my wife, it feels like if you knocked on my front door and I opened it, and you say, “Can I come in?” And I was like, “Do you mind coming in through the back door?” “Does the front door not work?” “No, it works. I use it, a lot of people still use it, but the new way is to go jump the fence and come in the back and meet me at this same spot.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cc84814214856f7f414e74c2ad41c1dda0b5538d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Even though I make fun of Common Core, I have learned stuff from elementary homework, which is embarrassing. I’m 41. My daughter is eight. Nothing should ever come out of her mouth that I’m like, “What? What was that?” I learned when to use “a” or “an” in a sentence. [chuckles] I didn’t know that there was a rule in play. I thought you felt it out, you know, and just go, “That feels right,” and that’s what you do. I do the same thing with a comma. I’ve never known where a comma’s supposed to go. If I feel a comma’s coming, I try to get out of that sentence so bad. I mean, I… And if I can’t, I just put a comma and see if someone says something, you know? They’re like, “Is that a comma?” I’m like, “Is it? My comma button has been sticking on my phone.” +Uh… I remember nothing from school. People talk about history to me, I’m like, “I don’t know when you guys learned that. I think we skipped all of this.” I almost didn’t graduate high school. I had an F in science. I was taking a class called “Science” my senior year in high school. I mean, I had an F. My dad went and talked to the teacher and said, “Look, just give him a D.” “He’s not gonna do science stuff.” And the teacher agreed to it. She was that confident I wouldn’t touch the science world. I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it. And if you don’t know ACTs, 18 is like, “That’s not good, man, but you made it.” Seventeen, they’re like, “I don’t even… Are you enrolled in this school?” “Like, what are you doing?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e6ce82ad0449c47eb270cd38588ed96dea2e6286 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +The only thing I remember is in seventh grade, we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher. That stuck with me. He was too old to be in seventh grade. He drove to seventh grade. If you’re a seventh grade teacher, and one of the kids drives, you just know you gotta fight that kid one day. There’s… It’s just happening. Like, you… People always talk to me very easy, too, or dumb. If I talk to a stranger, I can always feel it. And I think it’s my eyes. I have big eyes, you know? And so I just get a lot of, “You still with me, man?” And… I’m just sitting there, like, “Yeah, man, I’m listening.” He goes, “It felt like you could’ve been anywhere, you know?” +I got a reversible jacket at home, and I have two of them ’cause I didn’t know it was reversible. Bought them at the same time, tried them both on separately. Liked the black one, thought, “Might as well get the blue one, too.” Went and laid them up there, and I remember they go, “Are you sure?” I go, “Yeah, I think I know what I’m doing here, all right?” +The dumbest I’ve ever been talked to… I like to golf, and so a guy was telling me, there’s a real golf course in North Carolina where llamas are the caddies. So if you don’t know anything about golf, a caddy usually carries your bag around, tells you how far you are from the hole, helps you out. So this course, they have llamas. So you put your golf bag on a llama and it carries your bag. So he told me that, and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes, and he goes, “Just so you know, llamas can’t talk, though.” I mean, that’s the question he was trying to get ahead of as he looked into my stupid eyes. Like, he just… “I’m going to say it so that guy doesn’t have to say it.” I’m just at the zoo talking to the giraffes, “Hey, where you guys from?” You know? “I know where you’re from, but where are you ‘from’ from?” +[helicopter whirring] +I’m gonna let this one go by. You know, the hard part is I see them coming before y’all, and I just see a blinking light, like, five miles away, going, “That one looks like it’s coming,” in my head. In my head, I’m just like, “I think it’s…” You know? Couple times I’ve looked, and it was just stars. Uh… Honestly, I look up and I’ll be like, “That one’s not moving that quick.” Uh… “Feel like one’s just sitting on top of us.” You’re like, “Ah, it’s the moon.” “Is it?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..68518a18def4971776ffe6793efc1c5d2eaa09d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Uh… So I’m 41 years old. And when I turned 40, 40 was the first age I did not want to turn. I remember my parents turning 40. It just feels old. And it’s also the age that you do realize everybody you’re talking to, you are older than. Before you’re 40, I think everybody you talk to is your age, and for some reason, when you turn 40, you’re just older than that… I’ll be talking to them, like, “Remember that? It was ’97, ’98.” “I wasn’t born yet.” You’re like, “Golly! Are you serious, dude?” “In my eyes, we look the same.” “Where’s your dad at?” “Let me talk to him, ’cause I swear I thought you were my age.” +One thing I got when I hit my forties was claustrophobia. Never had it, actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride, which is what’s crazy. I mean, we’re 100 yards away from where my life fell apart. I rode that ride with my daughter, and we’re sitting on it, and there’s… We had another buddy, and he has his two girls on. So we sit there, and they pull the bar down, and the bar… My leg gets stuck in the middle, and it just opened a door that I never knew was there. I mean, it’s just… It is like a problem. I had to stop the ride. It’s super embarrassing to stop a child’s ride and just be like… I’m just waving, like, “I can’t do it.” Then they open the bar and go, “You can do it again.” I was like, “I’m out.” And just, no one got to ride it ’cause I couldn’t ride it. We all had to leave. Yeah, ruined it for everybody. Uh… And that’s claustrophobia, just kind of ruins everybody’s time. diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7b7aff576e232bf42e7b4cdc5be0880ca0bcadb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +It’s the… What’s funny… The panic of claustrophobia is pretty funny, though. It’s not funny when it’s happening to you, but how quick you go from normal to just an insane person, is just… It’s all at the same time. So it’s all kind of new to me, so I forget I have it, and I’ll put myself in a situation, and I go, “There it is.” I got in an Uber once with, like, seven people. We get in, I go, “I’ll get in the third row.” Try to be a good guy. I climb in the back, they put all the seats up, and it just starts hitting me. I’m back there, like… [sighs] Just trying to be normal, you know, not talking. Then you go, “Hey, you think you can roll the window down?” “You know what, can everybody just get out of the van real fast?” [chuckling] Just… We’re just driving down the interstate. “Could y’all crack the window?” “Do you mind if I drive the Uber? You think I could drive it?” +So I was born in 1979. And the reason I say that, ’cause if you are my age or just right around my age, very, like… Maybe ’78 to ’80, you might realize, or maybe you don’t know, I’ve never been called a Millennial or Generation X. I’d never even really heard any of those terms growing up, and now you hear them all the time. So I looked it up to see, I was like, “What am I?” And I’m technically nothing. I’m on a cusp. I’m a generation gap. And what we are called… Xennials, or we’re called The Oregon Trail generation. Or we’re called… My favorite name is The Lucky Ones. And it’s true. We’re very lucky. We actually grew up in two different worlds. When I was a kid, I grew up like it was the ’50s. You would go outside, and your parents just didn’t know where you were. We went to school and played Oregon Trail on a computer at school. No one had a computer at home. “What are you, a zillionaire?” Like, I mean, you couldn’t… But then in high school, I had AOL. We had a computer at home. Then I got a beeper, and then I got a cellphone. I didn’t have social media until I was 26, with Myspace, you know? I mean, social media, like… Whatever I did in high school’s a rumor. It can’t ruin my life. diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..240ca4aed2390aec86c6e6c6a0c5dc7d924910a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +The next morning, I dealt with my daughter’s generation. Which is a generation that I feel like just thinks about themselves, you know? And so I go down to breakfast, they have the breakfast buffet. We’re all going through it, this little girl’s in front of me, and she has waffles. So she gets a waffle, and there’s a coffee pot worth of syrup sitting on a plate. So you pour it and you leave it back on the plate, and then you go and eat your breakfast. So she gets the syrup, and she just takes it to her table. So now the syrup’s gone. And I see this happen, but no one else does, so I’m hearing people go through and asking where the syrup’s at. It’s starting to become a problem. People are like, “Where’s the syrup?” The hotel’s like, “I don’t know.” “That’s all the syrup we have, was out there.” I know where it’s at, but I’m not trying to get involved. I didn’t wake up and think, “I hope I get to talk to everybody this morning.” When you roll out of bed, you’re not like, “I hope I’m about to get in the thick of it down there.” So I’m just trying to say stuff as I walk by people. “Maybe someone took it to their table, look around, maybe.” I just, like, keep going. “You see that little girl’s table over there? Maybe they have it.” +And no one’s picking up on this. So I just have to go get it. This girl’s sitting with a bunch of her friends. So I go over to them, and I was like, “Hey, can we get that syrup back?” “That’s kind of for the entire hotel.” And she goes… They go, “Whatever.” All of them just blew me off. Then the father in me kicks in. I go, “All right. Just a heads up, just so you guys know, I did nothing wrong, and you guys have ruined breakfast for everybody.” “I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten out in public before, but do you see me over here with the tub of eggs?” “Do I have all the eggs?” “You did everything else, and for some reason you thought, ‘I bet this is all my syrup.’ And where are your parents at?” A couple of them started crying. Felt good, to be honest. I was away for a little bit. I like to practice on other children, you know, my discipline diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..aac2a1001b2f293858d459f454ebd24b9e0de96c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +And to make fun of my generation, just so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to skip over. Another hotel I was at… Another syrup incident, actually. I mean, I’m a big fan of waffles with syrup. I’m around syrup quite a bit, and… We’re at a Holiday Inn Express, so the breakfast buffet there, they have the cereal where you turn the knob and four pieces fall out. It’s like how you feed a cat for a long weekend, you know? You’re like, “That’s enough.” Uh… They had batter and syrup. They had the waffle iron where you make it yourself. You pour batter on the waffle iron, you shut it, turn it over, it locks. It cooks for two minutes, you turn it over, you open it. Half the waffle comes off, half stays forever. That’s how you eat a waffle. +I’m with a buddy of mine that’s my age, so we go through, he’s in front of me. Not really talking or anything, just going through. He gets to it. The batter and syrup, they’re in clear containers. They’re not labeled, but they’re in clear containers. He gets the syrup and starts pouring it on the waffle iron. I’m not even stopping him, ’cause he’s not doing it, going, “I’ve never done it.” He’s doing it where we’re probably going to try it after. I mean, he’s just like… You’re like, “Dude, I can’t wait to see what this guy’s making.” “He might know something that I don’t know.” He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks. He’s looking at us, we’re like… I mean, the whole line’s like, “Yeah, what is that going to be?” And it makes black smoke, is what it makes. Just, I mean, dark, black smoke just starts filling the lobby. The manager comes over. “What are you doing?” “I guess I poured the wrong one. These are not labeled.” The guy’s like, “They’re in clear containers.” Do you not know the difference of batter and syrup?” He’s like, “I bet it happens all the time.” He goes, “I’ve worked here my whole life, I’ve never seen this.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6030086680d3d22272280b8b20c3cfaa6c13a24e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +So my parents are in their sixties. And when your parents hit their sixties, just so you know, you kinda realize… You go, “All right, I’m in charge of this family now,” you know? They don’t give it up, they don’t offer it away. They just start doing stuff that you’re like, “I don’t know,” you know? +We went to the store the other day, and we walk back to the car. We were in the store for an hour. We walk back, my dad’s… The driver’s side door is wide open. He drove, got open the door to go inside, and just kept walking. He’s been driving for 50 years. And I know cars are getting crazy, but one thing that’s stayed the same in all these 50 years is you gotta open and shut that front door. +My dad wore my mom’s pants to a funeral. That was the day I was like, “We can’t listen to this guy no more,” you know? “We gotta go get him. He doesn’t know what’s happening.” It usually starts happening when you start doing the holidays at your house instead of your parents’ house. That’s when it starts. And so my parents, once we did that, they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome. So they still wanted to do Thanksgiving at their house, but they don’t have the room for us. There’s, like, 20 of us. It’s like a college kid being like, “Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?” There’s a table for four, and then they have to put a train of TV trays and nightstands that just weaves down this hallway. You’re sitting on stairs. We made the kids go eat in the car. We just go, “Go back in the car. You can’t even eat inside.” My mom didn’t have ketchup. I was like, “Everybody just has ketchup. It just comes in houses.” If I went to some alcoholic’s house, he’d have ketchup. His whole family’d be gone, but I’d say, “You have ketchup?” He’d be like, “I’m not that gone, man. diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b01b4dce6aa61c9092db82af64f87b2210cab195 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TGAA_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So I was… I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s. I was a kid in the ’80s and ’90s. During the ’80s and ’90s, kids were getting kidnapped pretty rapidly. And look, I’m not trying to say we were more desirable or something. I… I think we were outside more, a lot more opportunity, you know? Also a lot easier to get us into vans. Uh, didn’t take much. And… So parents back then, they would watch TV, and I think it would scare the parents. You know, you realize now, now everything’s a crime show. Everything you watch is crime, podcasts are crime, movies are crime. You almost see it so much. But back then, you only had so many channels, and when they’d watch these shows, they were very powerful shows. My parents used to watch a show called Rescue 911, and it would just show reenactments of crimes, and it was powerful. I’ve seen three seconds of Rescue 911. I remember walking through the living room, my parents are watching it, I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on, a woman is asleep with her feet out from under the covers, and he started rubbing her foot. That’s all I saw. I kept walking. I don’t know what happened before or after, but I know I’ve never been able to sleep with my feet out from under the covers, because I accidentally saw that 30 years ago. And my feet get so hot, and I want to put ’em out so bad. I mean, I try it every night for 30 years, and then that image pops in my head, and I yank ’em right back under. I’ll be in a hotel room like, “He can’t get in here, dude, you’ve locked everything.” I’m like, “That’s exactly what he’s been waiting for.” “He’s probably already in here.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a425381db56955e53112edae7eab46d4aed6e861 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze.We’re doing it. This is it. This is, you know, it’s something. -Uh… Thank you, guys, for coming out. I appreciate it. Uh… I’m very excited. I tried to, uh… I’m always trying to lose weight, and then you think, “I’ll tape a special. That will, you know… That’ll do it.” And then you just kind of… Next thing you know, it’s already started, so…I… I had a thing that happened that I do, where it’s like, “I gotta get it together.” Like, I… I like to golf, and so I tend to bring clubs and I’ll golf on the road. And so I was in Florida, and we go golfing. It’s very hot, humid, gross. You get kind of feeling gross. So I wanted to change shirts before I drove back, and I go to the trunk of my car, and I take my shirt off. Standing there, no shirt, and this old man walks up and goes, “Olivia?” I had to turn. I was like, “I’m sorry, what’d you just say? I’m sorry.” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, honest mistake.” And I was like, “I don’t know. Uh…” He was looking for his elderly wife, and saw… me with no shirt on, and thought that could be Olivia, at a car that he does not recognize. None of this is making him not… He’s like, “I don’t know, that’s a dead ringer for Olivia.” I don’t know who he disrespected more, me or Olivia, to be honest. I mean… we could both have a word with him. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..74195d9fca8ec670e2a9c65725e3318a5af2a22a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I travel, uh, all the time, and if I… if I fly… if I fly Delta, if I buy a ticket through Delta’s system, my name in their system is Nathan. And on my license, my name is Nathaniel. I do not remember making this decision. It’s a big deal. You can’t just change it. I’ve tried. I’ve asked Delta if they could change it, and they’re like, “We can’t change it.” And you’re like, “Then I don’t know. I don’t know where we go from here,” you know? If you can’t do it, who can do it? I mean… Do you call… Is that why people call senators? Do they do it? ‘Cause I don’t know… What you have to do, you have to mail your birth certificate in. Some moms give their children their birth certificates. I’ve never received mine. I thought I was the proof of my birth. And you gotta mail it in. I’ve never been a big mailing-in guy. I’ve mailed… maybe four letters my entire life. I’ve just never done it. Stamps make me nervous. Because I don’t know how many you’re supposed to put on. Like… Where they’re gonna be like, “You should put one more on.” Uh… And they change the price of stamps, and that’s not in the news, you know? You don’t find that out on Twitter. You have to find out from old people. They’re the only people that know. They keep up with it. They’ll be like, “Stamps went up.” You’re like, “Okay. Uh… All right. Is it $100?” Like, they’re furious. “Is it $100 a stamp?” “It’s three more pennies.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..280277dea6fab44beebeff05578ab4a826e1baba --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So… I will never go through that process to get my name changed. I just deal with it. And… it gets brought up. Once, I was checking a bag, and the guy behind the counter, he sees my ticket says “Nathan,” the license says “Nathaniel,” and he was like… “This is not good.” He goes, “These names don’t match.” And I was like, “But they match, right? Like… You can see the leap that we took to get from one to the other.” He was like, “But they’re not the same.” I was like, “They’re the same.” And… I’m realizing he cannot find out people call me Nate at that point, because… I mean, he can’t handle that. He’s gonna call the police over to be like, “There’s a guy with three names trying to fly right here, if you guys wanna just shoot him from over there or something.” I was like, “What do you want me to do?” And he goes, “You should go home.” That’s, like, honest, he’s like… “I can’t believe you’ve made it this far.” I was like, “Let me just try it. You know? Shouldn’t I try it?” I said, “Look, I’ll give you that those names don’t match. But what I think is gonna help a ton is the picture on the ID. Something that I’ve always loved that they did, and I think… with 70 percent of that name matching, and 100 percent face… That’s 100 and 70 percent. I think I’ll get through.” And this is what he told me. This is honestly what he said. He goes, uh… He goes, “Look, man, I get it. All right?” He was trying to relate to me, and he was like, “My name’s Joseph. That’s what’s on my license. So I can’t buy a ticket under my nickname, ‘Bart.’ They’re not gonna let me through.” And he said it like, “Right? You know? Does that makes sense?” And I was like, “That doesn’t at all. Those are two different names. All right?” I should be over there, and you should be over here, because that’s how you’re treating me. Like I’m a Joseph Bart. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f799d40e5e0f56eeb9da9e4fc6792f68733fa065 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I made it through. And on that trip, uh, I was going to Seattle. And if you’ve ever been to Seattle, uh, Mount Rainier is near Seattle, that’s what they call it, and… I don’t… That’s… I don’t know if that’s true. Just so y’all… Uh… It felt like y’all took that like, “Yeah.” -Uh… So… We were going out to Mt. Rainier, and I was with a buddy of mine. And Mt. Rainier is the… It’s the third biggest mountain in America. It’s a good one to go to. I don’t know who number one or number two is, but maybe one day, it’ll be number one, you know? Do mountains keep growing? I don’t think we know that yet. So it’s a good time to see it. It doesn’t have the attitude of a one or a two.So, me and my buddy, we rented a car. He’s driving. On the way out there, I see a dead horse… just laid out in this guy’s yard. I’ve never seen that before, and I was like, “Man, I bet you don’t think about that when you buy a horse… it dying.” You know, what do you do? That’s a huge thing dying in your yard. You can’t just scoot it off into the woods with your foot, and try to get another one that matches before the kids come home. You have to tell your wife to keep the kids away for a month. You gotta google “how to move a dead horse.” You gotta probably try to get another horse to help you do it, and that’s not easy. That’s what the blinders were invented for, ’cause it’s like, “Just look ahead. Don’t worry about what’s going on. No, look!” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d5047a1b64ad8bcd2063121878a23dbd6d761696 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Or you gotta get your friends to help you, and you can’t spill the beans too quick on that. You think it’s hard for them to help you move a couch, try a dead horse. You gotta lie to them. Like, “We’re getting a divorce. Just come over. Bring your truck and some gloves.” When they get there, let me tell you, they’re gonna see it, all right? Everybody saw it. It was next to the road. And they’re gonna pull into that driveway and just be like, “I don’t think they’re getting a divorce at all. I think we’re here to move that dead horse is what I think. Let’s let him bring it up. All right, make him ask. But I’ll be shocked if we don’t touch that dead horse today.”And if you ever have to move a dead horse, I’ve thought a lot about all this. You want to be the first one to the horse. All right? You don’t want someone else to tell you where to grab a dead horse. So you run out there, like you love it, like, you’re like, “This what I hoped it was,” and… get to the hoofs in the front, and be like, “All right, I’m here. You guys decide where you guys want to be.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..56f4e91eb3e3308869d9a69be1e3242de9804911 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So, now we’re basically at Mount Rainier. That was the whole car ride, and… if you ever go, just so you know, uh, you have to pay to go up it. It’s not a free mountain. Someone bought it, and they’re charging tickets. It’s also all uphill. It’s a nightmare. So, be ready for those things. We drive up, we park, and we’re walking up the trail. So, we’re going up it. Halfway, I mean, I can barely breathe. And this couple’s coming down, so I stopped them. I was like, “Hey, is this enough? Where we’re at, you know? Is this, like, you get it. Like, we’re not trying to live on this mountain.” And the lady goes, “I’m 75 years old, and I did it.” And I was like, “Maybe that’s why you didn’t hear the question that I asked.” Everybody’s pretty cocky on the way down, I mean… There was women with babies, three-month-old babies strapped to their chest. I was like, “Why would you bring that much weight with you? I left my wallet in the car.” -They looked exhausted. I’m surprised there’s not just babies left up there and rangers have to come down, “Whose baby is this?” “That’s ours. We were gonna let it grow up and come down on its own.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..55b3dd5f49ad99a153c4974af3f6d8a145e12622 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So, we get our picture, and we come back down, and we’re driving back. And on the way back, since my buddy was driving, he did not see the dead horse, you know? And I’m like, “We can’t not see it.” So, it’s just one road, and I was like, “I’ll just show you where it’s at.” So we get… We’re driving, and we get to it. I was like, “It’s right here,” and I pointed, and the horse was standing up, doing unbelievable. One of the healthier horses that I’ve ever seen. So I learned that horses lay down to sleep. I did not know that. I don’t know what I thought before that day. I don’t know. That they lock their knees, that’s why they have four knees. I don’t know, that’s what I… I would have probably argued with you about it. People put signs up that say, like, “Horses lay down. Don’t call 911,” ’cause people call the police. They drive by a horse laying down in some guy’s yard, and they’re like, “Y’all guys should go, like, deal with that.” And they’re like… Some people knock on people’s door. “Hey, is your dad home? Your horse died outside. I thought you should hear it from a stranger first.” Uh… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d21a17fbc20c89b6d2d9c1a7b0c9a439dc106a7c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m, uh… I’m married. I’m still married. -And I– Thanks, yeah. I, uh… I like to say it. You know, like I’m at the same job. Just like, “Yeah, no, I still work there. -Uh… Yeah, right out of school. Only job I applied for.” -Uh… My wife will tell me that… She always says that I don’t like the way she talks, and it’s not her voice. I like the sound of her voice. That’d be a big problem, I think, if it was like, “It’s your voice. I just hate it.” To go to couples’ therapy, and be like, “Can you hear it? Right?” -Like, it’s not– You know? It’s not fun. It’s the information that she chooses to tell me at times.We took a trip to Florida, to Fort Lauderdale, and her and our daughter are flying from Nashville where we live, and I’m flying from Detroit. We’re meeting at Fort Lauderdale’s airport. I have to find them when they land. So I called her, ’cause I was about to take off, and I was like, “What time do you guys leave?” She goes, “Noon.” And it was 11:30, and they’re still at home. I was like, “Laura, I don’t know if you even know what an airport is. But if that plane was in our driveway, I don’t think you could make it.” She said, “That’s what time we leave for the airport. Our flight’s not till 1:30.” And I was like, “All right. All right. So, what do you think I wanted to know when I asked that? Is that what you thought the best time you could give me was a time that means nothing to nobody? What time did you go to bed last night? Just tell me that and I’ll just look up all the planes that land in Florida, and I’ll guess which one I think you’re on.” She said, “I’m sorry I don’t talk the way you want me to talk.” I’m like, “I want you to talk like a regular person, all right? Like you’ve been around people before, you know?” We didn’t talk in Florida, I’ll tell you that. Uh… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c8799a28f6df8d492db7999c04aa2539c9354453 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +She’s good at not talking to me. She can go a long time. She could do her whole marriage career. We… Marriage fights are great, because they’re all very dumb. I would say 90 percent of them are dumb, ten percent the cops show up, but… We got in a fight, uh, once, over chocolate milk. We didn’t talk for 24 hours. What happened is, I brought chocolate milk home, and she was like, “Why did you bring it home?” And I was like, “You’re supposed to drink it after you workout.” And she was like, “That’s not true.” And I was like, “Well, there’s a commercial on TV. They probably looked into it more than you did, so… I decided to listen to them.” And she said. “That’s just the milk people pushing chocolate milk.” And I was like, “You don’t even know what that statement means. You don’t know if there’s milk people, and I think chocolate milk is doing fine. I don’t think they’re sitting on barrels of it, and they’re like, ‘We got to make up a lie. We gotta get rid of this chocolate milk!'” She went to college, all right, and I did not, but she did not study chocolate milk, when is it good and not good for you. To be fair to her, though, I do not work out. So… You know? But I was probably gonna start, and I needed to get all the stuff there. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4038c04cbc6d73bd6a4ef4a7134d7976c6504bb5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Do you ever get in those fights? Like, you’ll be at home, you and your spouse, and you guys are not talking to each other, and… But you’re in the house together, no kids, the house is quiet, and you just stay on opposite ends, and then you pass each other in the hallway. That’s the funniest part, ’cause you don’t live in a mansion. You have one hallway. And you just didn’t time it out right, and you just have to walk by each other like strangers. You’re like, “Oh, excuse me. Sorry. Yeah, no, go ahead.” She’ll be watching TV, I’m like, “Ma’am, are you watching this? I couldn’t tell, I was going to change it if you weren’t watching it.”It’s the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a very common thing. Everybody knows what it is. Uh, I think women are just born knowing it. I don’t think you’re taught it. I don’t think it’s like, “My mom did it, and her mom…” It’s an instinct that’s in us all, that we all just know. And here’s what made me, uh, think of that. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..17e402c2f498b64384733db4b4625d4e01ac671a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I re-watched the movie Sixth Sense, and I’m not trying to do a six-inch joke. This is a 20-year-old movie. I also have to spoil it, but it’s… I mean, it’s 20 years old. So, if… If you don’t know by now, I don’t know what to tell you, you know? And don’t be like, “We were gonna watch it tonight. Uh… We were gonna go to Blockbuster on the way home, and… -What?” There’s… But… So he’s… You know, he’s dead the whole time, and I don’t know. I mean, that’s… If you haven’t seen it, that’s a pretty big part of it, but… for those that have, think about when you watched it. When we saw this movie for the first time, none of us knew he was dead. That was the biggest surprise we’ve ever seen in our life. You know? We just thought his wife wasn’t talking to him for, like, a year. That made more sense to us than him possibly being dead. And when I watched it, I was like, “What, do they show him dying?” Yeah, that guy shoots him with a gun. That’s how the movie starts. That’s how obvious. They’re like, “Hey, he’s dead.” And we still watched it for two hours, just like, “I know what this guy’s going through, you know? This is… This is a movie about marriage and how hard marriage is. Yeah. Even if you get shot, it’s your fault.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7c724e6a12bb8b8402f91a3e8e6b6498d980cc56 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +On a, uh… On a sadder note, of sorts, we, uh… We had to put our dog down recently. And, uh, it’s a tough thing to do. You know? There was… Nothing was wrong with her. I’m just really busy right now, and… She was… No, she was very sick. That was a joke. All right? She was… That was a joke, and she would have loved that joke, so don’t you worry about it. That’s the type of humor she had. She was a rescue. It’s not your labradoodle humor, all right? It’s a little darker. She, uh… She was a wonderful dog. We loved her. And, uh, her name was Annie. And the reason we got her was my sister worked at a vet, and people do put dogs down for no reason. So, if someone brought a dog in that was fine, they just didn’t want it, uh, my sister couldn’t do it. So she would walk the dog back and then just steal the dog. Like, I don’t know the laws on all that, but… I’m sure now people are finding out their dog is still alive right now, like, they’re like… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1b16262bcaee04de8f754da2d72da6718079b77c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So, uh, we got Annie. Annie was getting put down. She was a hunting dog, and she was terrible at it. And she was bred to be a hunting dog, and she was just like a misfit toy that just couldn’t, didn’t do it. She got shot once, and that’s ’cause the guy, like… He would be, like, doing target practice, and then she’d just walk in front of the targets. He would hit her, and he was like, “What are you doing?” And she was like, “What are you doing?” She had, uh, no awareness about her, like the senses that dogs have. We had turkeys in our backyard once, and I let her out to go chase these turkeys. You know, retired hunting dog. I figured, “That’s fun.” And… we have a very normal backyard. It’s not Yellowstone Park. You can see all of it at all times. I, like, push her out, and she just pees and then comes back in the house. Never sees the turkeys. I’m looking at her like, “You didn’t feel anything? Nothing was going… Like, I sensed it as a human on the couch. I felt there was turkeys outside. You wanna take just one lap around, see if…”The guy used her a lot for duck hunting. So he would shoot a duck, she was supposed to run and go get it, and then bring it back. So what I like to picture is he shoots the duck, she runs out, comes back, no duck. She’s like, “I don’t even know what we’re doing, all right? I did not… A million things flew in the air when you shot that gun, and I’m supposed to know which one you hit?” And the guy’s just looking at her, and then she’s like, “You’re not even the guy that I came out here with. Uh… Do you see… Is there another guy out here by any chance?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..001a6a5b01d85466ee7e45542e3d53ebcd9c6a2d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Our daughter would put birthday cone hats on her, and one time, one slipped over her eye, and it was like that for six hours. I was just trying to see how long… Like, how’s it accidentally not coming off? And she was just going about her day. Just eating, drinking, like, “Yeah, I can’t see out that eye no more, all right? That’s the cards I was dealt, and that’s okay.” Then I pulled it off her. She was like, “Ah, I didn’t know you were a doctor.” I’m like, “I am a doctor.” Just two dumb animals talking to each other.So she had skin cancer, and she would get all these spots on her. So we kept getting them removed, but it was really starting to take a toll on her and she was older. So we knew the day was close. And our daughter, she’s six now, but she was five at the time. This was her first pet. She was best friends with this dog. Annie was the first thing that was gonna die in her lifetime. So it’s a lot of stuff to have to explain to a kid, you know? So I was talking to my wife about like, “How are we going to tell her?” At first, I was like, “Let’s just act like we didn’t have a dog.” Five-year-olds are smart, but if we stick together on this, and she comes home from school and is like, ‘Where’s the dog?” And we’re like “What dog? Like, I don’t… I’ve never seen a dog. Don’t you think I would know if there was a dog?” But I read an article about the long-term damage of that. It’s pretty good. So… I was just honest with her. I sat her down. I said, “Look, Annie’s very sick, and she’s older, and she’s gonna die soon. This happens, so just love her as much as you can right now.” And she took it as good as a five-year-old can take it. So, the next day, I told her again. You gotta tell kids over and over again. I kept telling her. I didn’t want this to be a surprise. And then Annie surprised us by living six months longer. I mean, we were way off on when we thought she was gonna die. But I already started telling my daughter. I didn’t want to stop and then have to start it again. So I just kept it up for six months. Every day, I was like, “She’ll die. All right? She will die. She will die. I will die. Your mom’s dead.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7295f83b1192eb39650f309b8877932ef2a1e196 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So… we get… Finally, the day was here, and our daughter was at school. And so my sister and my wife, they took Annie to go have to put her to sleep, and I went to go pick up our daughter to tell her. I’ve already been telling her. And so I picked her up, I told her. It was brutal. Very sad. She took it as if this was the first she’s heard about it. We get home, and my wife was like, “How was it?” Which is already a dumb… Like, “It was great. -You know? I… …loved it. Can’t wait for the next thing to die. Uh… Nice to say ‘I told you so,’ you know.” I told my wife, “It was terrible,” you know? And then my wife goes, “You didn’t tell her that I did it, did you?” I was like, “No, why would I say that?” Like, I didn’t even think about it, you know? I looked at her like, “Is that what you would have said? Would you have told her that I did it?” “Your dad’s been talking about the dog dying. Well, he’s finally had enough.”We’ve been married, uh, 12 years, and our wedding, uh… it was not good. -There’s… This is not… This is not my fault. This was… My mom and my wife planned the wedding, and they’re both cheap. So they cut corners. If we hire someone… If we hire someone to do something to our house, I promise he does not do that job full-time. He’ll be fixing our dishwasher, and we’re like, “Do you paint houses?” He’s like, “Yeah, I probably could paint houses.” You know? His business card says, “How hard could it be? Right? Can’t be that hard.” -Uh… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9034d6ee1118bc161c8132dcc421fb0b8c934019 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +We got married on Friday the 13th. Got a pretty sweet deal on that. They were wide open. We were like, “What times are available?” They go, “Every one of them, all 24. You can call us that day if you want.” Her brother married us, that was free. The photographer was just a buddy of ours that had like a… He just bought a new camera. So we’re like, “You gonna do our wedding?” Never done anything professionally, and it showed. -Uh… His camera stopped working during it, and he started taking stuff out of it, like that would be the problem, like… It’s like, “Yeah, you know what? I bet they put too much stuff inside of it when they built it. You should yank some wires. That’s not supposed to be in there like that.” Our DJ was awful, and that’s because we got my mom to hire the DJ. I don’t know who thinks to ask someone in their 50s for DJ recommendations. No one ever is like, “Mom, are you in with the local DJ scene by any chance?” She hired someone older than her. He just had CDs, and this was when computers were doing real good. He got, uh, super drunk, played the same song three times in a row. “White Wedding,” which he said was by Billy Joel. He only had one leg… seriously. And that’s fine, you know? No one cares… until he starts messing up, and then you’re like, “Why does he have one leg?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..74eb5daa9fd455bd2b0832e4ad66bd6e807e71a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The best wedding I’ve ever been to was my cousin’s wedding. It was a real redneck affair. It was right outside Louisville, Kentucky, where my parents are from. And my cousin’s name is Tuesday, which is a good start. The invitation said, “Tuesday’s getting married, rehearsal’s Friday, wedding’s Saturday.” People were like, “We gotta be there Monday for this wedding? How long is this wedding? It’s a week?” We get there, I’m wearing a button-down shirt, khaki pants. Nothing crazy. I’m wildly overdressed. I look like I work there. -Uh… Everybody else just has a football or basketball jersey on. My uncle, his daughter’s getting married. He has his tuxedo jacket, pants, cummerbund, bowtie. No shirt. They forgot his shirt, and instead of waiting to go get it, he was like, “Let’s do it without it.” Right? Like, that’s… And he doesn’t have a body that’s like, “That’s cool, man.” You know? He has a body that you’re like, “Put your jacket on backwards. Flip it around.” Yeah. Then you see his back, and you’re like, “Oof. All right, go back to regular way. Yeah, that’s my fault. I didn’t… How’s your back worse than your front?” Uh… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c7788193675dd5d6bd264d7a8a5c7c1dc5007106 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +We go into the church. It’s bride and groom. Looks like it’s home and away That’s how many jerseys are in there. -Uh… Guys are drinking beers in the church. Like, that’s something I’ve never heard, a pastor be like, “Guys, can we not drink alcohol in the church?” They’re like, “Oh, I didn’t know this was the nice part of town. All right.” Uh… The reception is next door, just at a lady’s house. Like, in her backyard. Like, she doesn’t do… It isn’t like, she’s like, “And I do receptions all the time.” We were her one and only reception. So we walk over. They took a horse and buggy. The horse was the oldest horse I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a donkey. I thought they got a deal on a donkey. And the guy was like, “This horse was in the Kentucky Derby.” You’re like, “The first one that they did? Is that Secretariat’s father? How old is this horse, man? You know they lay down, right?” Uh…So we walk. They took… They… It took them… It took them 45 minutes. They went up a driveway and back down the next driveway. They’re sweating, almost divorced by the time they get there. The reception, like I said, it’s in her backyard. They put plywood on the grass, like, side-by-side, to make a dance floor. We danced just to a radio station on a boombox. Just, like, 104.5. You would have to stop for weather and traffic updates. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f9f3ce5077f1f7014a6d476070212ecb6c6a1dbb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +There was a punch bowl that was low to the ground, like on a low table. And so I was giving it to kids. I was trying to help out. And then someone was like, “That’s wine.” And I gave it to so many kids. I don’t know anything about wine, but I don’t think they tell you to pour it into a bowl. Like, that’s not… No one’s ever like, “Let’s get it out of that box, get it in a bowl. You know, let’s let it breathe a little bit.” I got a couple of nine-year-olds pretty loose that night. The end of the night comes, everybody’s drunk. Children, adults – it’s across the board. A fight breaks out, we hear someone yell, “Fight!’ And I mean, you’re sitting there, you got a 50/50 shot it’s not your side of the family. We get over there, it’s 100% our side. It’s my dad’s aunt and uncle, both rolling around on the ground. They’re in their late 70s. He wanted to leave, she did not, so they thought, “Let’s just handle it in front of everybody.” She’s on top of him. She punches him. He then punches her, and you’re like, “You can’t do that,” you know? So we gotta get them apart, and he starts fighting us, and he’s a pretty good fighter, all right? He’s punching women in public. You don’t think he’s handled some dudes in his lifetime? That ends the night, you know? You can’t be like, “Guys, let’s calm… Cut the radio back on, find a good station.” Uh… Tuesday, uh, is sadly divorced now. That did not work out. My dad’s aunt and uncle, sadly, they’re still… It did work out. They’re still together. So…That’s our family, you know? We come… It’s a pretty wild bunch \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6f6158fa72fe66d7ee71c9944e7d10bf1caec06f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My dad is a magician. He’s done that my entire life. He was a clown at the very beginning, just in case you’re like, “How do you get into something like that?” Uh… It goes clown, then magic. There’s two steps. You can take them in either order. I was born, he was a clown. It was never weird to me. I thought everybody’s dad was a clown. My, uh, first memory of my life is I was five years old, and I remember my mom walked me out to the front yard, and my dad pulled up… We had this old red Mazda. He’s dressed as a clown, that doesn’t even faze me. That’s just how he left. How else would he come home? And… The Easter Bunny was in the passenger seat. That’s the first thing that I remember, to my life. If you want to know how you get into comedy, that’s a pretty good nudge. And I remember it didn’t fit. The Easter Bunny head didn’t fit in the car. Like, he couldn’t sit normal, so his head was bent to the side. And I remember he had his seat belt on, and he’s just like… and I was like… I like to think about all the other people that saw that. Just in the car next to them, just at a red light, you’re like, “I didn’t even know they hung out like that.” Uh… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4767cd7f7db166e4768a60c90f9661b39df763c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So, me and my dad, we do… He just does magic now, and he’s very good at what he does. He’s very funny, and we do shows together. So, uh, one time, we did this show. Magicians have conventions where they get together and they buy and sell tricks, and they give a lecture, and they do this big show. So this guy was putting one together in Des Moines, Iowa, which is the birthplace of magic, something a lot of people don’t know. And… It’s not, but that does sound like it could be. I don’t know why. I said that in Des Moines, and people are like, “I think I already knew that.” Uh… They’re like, “No. Uh, yeah, he’s… No, he’s right.” So, this guy calls me, he’s like, “Your dad’s performing this year, so we want you to come down, and we’re gonna make you appear out of a magic trick.” I’m gonna come out, I’m gonna surprise my dad, surprise the audience, everybody will go crazy, and then I’ll do five minutes of stand-up, and that will end the show. He’s like, “It’s gonna be a big deal.” I was like, “All right.” I agreed to it. I fly to Des Moines. I’m hiding. I’m in my room. No one knows I’m there. The show starts. My dad’s out performing, I climb in a box backstage. When my dad gets done performing, they ask him to stay and help, and they push the box out. The trick is, the guy has a very pretty lady assistant. She walks around, shows the box is empty, and then she climbs in. Normally, it just falls apart, and then she disappears. But now, it falls apart, and it’s me, and I pop out. And you have to come out big. I don’t know if you’ve ever appeared out of a magic trick, but… if you do, you can’t just be like, “How you doing?” -You know? Like… It’s gotta be a big grand, like, “Can you believe it?” And I look at my dad, his face is so surprised. He had no idea. But his eyes are just like, “Why would you ever do this?” And I was like, “Is this not a good time to visit you?” Uh… The audience is clapping, but they’re not going that crazy… Like, they start… The clapping starts dying down, and as I’m standing there, it’s, like, hitting me. I was like, “I don’t think they know who we are.” That guy told me they did, and they don’t. They don’t know that’s my dad, they don’t know I’m a comedian. This looks like the stupidest trick they’ve ever seen. It doesn’t make sense. They’re like, ‘A pretty girl goes in and just a whatever dude pops out? That’s your trick? Your trick is backwards, sir. It’s backwards.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4e0c6d682fbe2e1635ac6038cf140efe60c1f3e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And now I gotta do comedy, but they don’t know I’m a comedian. So I get a microphone, they’re like, “He’s gonna talk to us now? How long is this trick?” When you do comedy in front of people not expecting comedy, it does not come off as comedy. It sounds like a mean speech. They were just like, “Get back in the box. Where’s the girl? Is she fine? Can we hear from her?”I don’t think things through. That’s the message tonight, guys. There’s not… There’s no message. But if there was, it’s I don’t think things through. No. I’m a huge, uh, Vanderbilt fan. -And… Thank you, a couple of us. Yeah, the storm is coming together. Uh… I mean, I, uh… I did not go to Vanderbilt, too. Vanderbilt asked me to say that, and… I was like, “I think people know,” and they go, “We do too, but just say it.” -Uh… Vanderbilt went to their first bowl game in football in, like, 20 years, in 2008. And, uh, so we all go to it. We’re very excited. It’s at Tennessee Titans’ stadium. So, me and a bunch of buddies get together, we go tailgate, we get a cornhole, a grill. Like, we’re going… we’re going all out. And my ticket was at will-call, so I went. I was like, “I gotta get my ticket. I’ll be right back.” So I go get my ticket, and before the lady gives it to me, she ripped it, which means you have to go in. And it was, I mean, a full three hours before the game starts. I was like, “I don’t want to go in yet,” you know? And she was like, “You have to go.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6c594c5ddf2653d1ee8ddd1bd4b576256b40ccbd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And I just walked in to just an empty stadium. Sixty thousand empty seats. I go to my seat, I don’t go to a different one. I went to, like, the one I’m supposed to go to, like a loser. The players are, like, in jeans. They’re not even dressed yet. I was like, “I’m real excited for the game!” I startled them. They were like, “I didn’t know anybody was in here. Uh… Did you go to Vandy?” I was like, “You would think with how early I’m here, -but… I also think if I went to Vandy, I wouldn’t be in the situation that I’m in.” I walked to the top of the stadium and watched my friends tailgate. I just sat up at the very top. And I was like, “I’m already in, guys. Yeah, I decided to save our numbered seats.” Uh… Nothing was open. I stood in front of a concession stand, like I was waiting for an iPhone to come out. Just that gate was down, and I’m already trying to figure out what I’m gonna eat. And they came and opened it, and one side got stuck, and I helped them. I go, “I’ll get that.” So I helped them open it. They were like, “You work here?” I was like, “I’ve been here a bit longer than you have, so…”I’m not smart. At all. No, I’m pretty… I, uh… I’m smart enough to, like, answer my six-year-old’s questions. She’s like, “Why is the sun hot?” I’m like, “‘Cause it’s on fire. That’s a stupid question.” And… I tell her that, all right, because I know that she’ll be smarter than me next year, and then just for the rest of her life. So I am really sticking it to her while I can. I know nothing about, like, adult stuff that you’re supposed to know about. Uh, global warming, that’s one that everybody yells at you about. They’re like, “You better do something.” I’m like, “I’m so tired of it. Let’s do it.” Like… I’m like, “I barely made it out of high school. I don’t really know how rain works. So why don’t… why don’t you let me figure that out, and then I’ll do global warming. But I’ve seen it rain without clouds. Where’s that water coming from? So… I’m pretty swamped with this rain stuff right now, but once I get to the bottom of that, then we’ll do global warming, and I got some pretty good ideas, you know?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5cdfa75f42a53a00a1f5c2652127fc234c12904b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +We recycle, you know, and we recycle because my wife, it’s her… She gets all the credit for that. I would never recycle if I was by my… I don’t… I don’t do it if she’s not looking at me, so I would never do it if I was alone. I looked up a list of, like, “All right, what are you supposed to do for global warming, as an individual?” And it was a big, long list, but the first thing on the list was my favorite. It just said, “Just talk to your friends and family about it.” Think about your friends and family. Like, not the ones that are the good ones, that are close. Think about how… far out it goes. When you guys get together, be like, “You mind if we talk about global warming? I just thought this would be a good time to get into it.” I had a great aunt and uncle fist fight each other at a wedding. “Let me get in the middle. Any chance this fight was about global warming? Because I just would love to get that conversation rolling, you know?”I get it. We’re supposed to… It’s supposed to… It’s for our kids’ kids, and their kids, and we wanna make sure they have a good Earth, and their environment and stuff. We don’t want ’em to have a bad Earth. And we don’t want them to be mad at us, and yell at us, but I don’t think they will, because I don’t think we get mad. I don’t ever see litter on the ground and call my grandmother, and be like, “Where do you get off,” you know? “I don’t know how you show your face anymore, all right? It’s cloudy today. Is that because you smoked on planes? Probably. Why’d you have to smoke that high? Where do you think that smoke was going?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..69bdef2fbff444eea5ea022bc1969d989ccee654 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +We did stuff as a kid. I did Earth Day as a kid. I think they still do Earth Day. And we did it. I’m from Old Hickory, and we’re a plant… Like, DuPont Plant is the… We were a plant town. So, they had a plant, and we went and planted trees in front of the DuPont Plant, and there was just black smoke coming out of this thing. And we’re just in front of it, like, “This is for Earth.” And you can’t even see us, it’s so dark. And we’re just like… “This is for the Earth and stuff, and we’re gonna breathe better.” And you’re like, “I don’t know if that’s the problem.” Uh…I, uh… Here’s what I’m doing for, you know, my daughter’s future environment, is, uh, what I decided to do– They… They say we won’t have water. So, I put a bunch of buckets outside to collect water, and when she turns 18, and she’s like, “Do I get money?” I’m like, “Something a little better than money. Uh… I bet you’ve always wondered what those buckets were doing outside. Well, they’re all yours. And that’s for your kids, and their kids. Everybody gets a bucket of water.” No. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0b2b7075e93e8c54bc1b22922c1b3bcc93b97b94 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Look, guys. All seriousness, though… global warming, we gotta… you know, we gotta stop it. Or… more of it. I don’t really know which way we want to go, but… It can’t stay warmer. I know that. It’s gotta be one or… You know, something’s gotta happen. Something. Can’t stay where we’re at. So, go… I don’t know what direction you want me… Just go. Look, in all… Guys, in all seriousness, as… To use this as a platform for global warming, guys, I felt like, you know, I was a spokesperson for all of Earth. All right? I think… I’ll give you a message that I don’t think no one will give you, and I’m here to say that we’re doing fine. So just relax. You know, we’re in a time where everybody yells at you, and everybody’s bad. We’re doing great. All right? I did some… I looked up, I did some research. And I was like, “Let me look at the other planets. Let’s see how good they’re doing.” And… I don’t want to… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They’re nowhere right now. Uh… Some of them have too many moons. That’s how stupid they are. And… So let’s calm down. All right? We’re doing so… We’re so much farther ahead. I mean, they haven’t started, and we’re almost done. -So let’s… celebrate being first! Don’t be sore winners.Look, in all… Guys, in all seriousness… I don’t know. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3fa627459b4080dd0bebb3892c22ed4172b7244c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +No, look, the world, we’re… It’s getting very advanced. All right? I have, uh… I’ve been to a dog bakery. I’ve been to a dog bakery in my life. And this wasn’t in, you know, Beverly Hills, or, like, Miami or something. You feel like they would have that. And this was in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. And if you don’t know where Mt. Juliet is, it’s fine, but I bet you can tell that doesn’t sound like a town you would drive through, going, “I bet they have a pretty good dog bakery here.” Uh… I went in there, and no one was in there. The lady was looking at me like, “Are you here to buy this store from me?” That was her only hope. I talked to her, she had some time on her hands, excited to talk. And, uh, she said her and her husband bought the store for their 27-year-old daughter who graduated from college with a degree, and came out of college, and said, “I want to own a dog bakery. I want to make cakes for dogs.” Which, if I asked my six-year-old what she wants to do when she grows up, I think she’ll tell me she wants to make cakes for dogs. And I’m gonna tell her that she can do whatever she wants to do, hoping she doesn’t turn 27… and go, “Let’s talk about those cakes for those dogs.” Maybe they’re usually busy. Maybe I was in there on a slow dog birthday day. I don’t know. All right? She told me everything was organic, and I was like, “That’s good. That’s what I like to hear. All right? This is for that dog that’s outside licking gum off the sidewalk right now. And if anybody deserves organic food in our house… it’s not this little girl, not gonna waste it on her. It’s for that dog that’s wandered out on the highway, ’cause it doesn’t know what cars are.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7c072b384eb4211661c5f2430178962561f2b4f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But, look, next time you guys go to Mt. Juliet for a vacation, let me tell you, look, do… do ’em a favor, go by there, all right? Swing through, you know, buy some dog cakes. Uh, and I’ll be honest with you. I’ll be upfront with you, guys. I bought a dog bakery. It’s not going that good. All right?I… All right, we’re almost done, so don’t worry about it. Uh… And I think you can tell… I always think people are like, “He’s talking about dog bakeries. He’s about out of stuff.” Uh… Yeah, where were we? Where is this going? I, uh… uh… First, thank you. I can’t thank you enough for coming out tonight. It means the world, and, uh… I’ve been making… This is how I’ve been closing shows on the road, and I want to close my special with it. Uh… I’m assuming that people saw the Netflix, The Standups, the little half-hour… -…that I did. Thank you. Thank you for watching it. Thank you for coming out. Uh, so some stuff’s happened since that special, and I want to give you some updates to a couple of stories I told on that special. And if you haven’t seen it, I’ll walk you through it. Don’t, you know, think you’re gonna be lost, and I think you’ve seen what I’ve talked about. I bet you’re like, “I bet we’ll catch up quick.” So, just… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..dc146d6aff4970a090409d8f1acf7d08502075a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So the first update is about the Cape Fear Serpentarium. And… if you… if you haven’t seen it, you could… you could pause it right now and go watch it, but you might be like, “I can’t handle really much more of you.” But… If not, I’m gonna walk you through it. Uh… Or maybe just a reminder. But a very quick, unfunny version is I went to Wilmington, North Carolina to a guy’s house, and he had a bunch of snakes, lizards, and a crocodile. When I was there, a crocodile got out and a lady wrote a TripAdvisor review about it. That’s the very quick, unfunny version. If you haven’t seen it, don’t think that’s all it takes to get a Netflix special. Uh… So the first thing is the lady that wrote the TripAdvisor review messaged me after the special came out. And if you write a review on TripAdvisor, you can see how many people look at it, and it jumped 50,000 views the day the special came out. So… But she did not know this for a couple of days, so, I mean, she was like, “I’m crushing it as a reviewer. All right? -I swear… You better… I’ll bring your place… You better treat me right, Applebee’s. I’ll bring this whole place down!” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4f78f61e3082cab7c3a038e9cb7ddc9f51bc780d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +he next update to it is the, uh… So that… So Cape Fear Serpentarium has closed down. – Aww. -And… I know, you guys had a chance to go to it. Uh, it is closed. So the guy that owned it, his name is Dean Ripa. I do not know this guy. He was there that day. Uh, I saw him that day. I don’t know him. I mean, this place will be a part of my life for the rest of my life, and I was there for one day. But… So he was a very original guy, he was his own guy. And, uh, there’s… You can see there’s great stuff on him. There’s another thing on Netflix called 72 Deadliest Animals, they interview him in that. There’s also great YouTube clips where, like, he would bring, like, venomous snakes to local Wilmington news channels, and he would barely pay attention to these snakes. He would, like, have it on the table and he’s not even looking. They’re like, “Could you grab it maybe more?” And he’s like, “What’s that?” They’re like, “We didn’t ask you to bring that in, by the way.” And he’s going, “You need me to leave it in the car? What’d you want me…” I remember when I was there that day. There was cages empty. You’re like, “Is that supposed to be empty?” He’s like, “We’re cleaning that. If you see something, tell us, but I’m pretty sure… I’m pretty sure we’re cleaning that one.” So the main reason it closed is, uh… sadly to announce, that guy, he has, uh, died. Uh, he passed away. And it’s pretty… pretty wild stuff. Uh… So, how he died, a little different than most. And… I will just tell you, uh… You know, and I already know what you’re thinking in your head, and his wife shot him. So, yeah, you weren’t thinking that, I can tell you that. It’s unbelievable. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..44103dd1970f98d10bc33f4e65a4d659f21455b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The odds of this are definitely higher than if you don’t own a snake museum, but there’s still… It’s insane. So… This all happened after we taped that last The Standups, and so, uh, I would let… I was telling an audience to guess, like, how he died. And so I’m just gonna tell you the guesses where people, you know, “A snake got him,” good guess. “Crocodile ate him,” solid guess. Someone yelled “cancer” once, and I was like, “What?” Like, I don’t… I don’t know if I’d present it like this if I knew the answer was “cancer.” “Let’s go around the room, everybody. Guess how he died. Cancer? That guy got it. That was a good guess.” You know? One guy guessed it once, in Huntsville, Alabama. And it was an older gentleman, he was sitting up front, and, uh, he just goes, “Did his wife shoot him? You know when someone guesses your guess, and you’re like, “You’re the worst, man.” I was like, “Did you look it up?” And he had a flip phone on his table. He wasn’t looking stuff up. And I was like, “Why would you ever guess that?” He was like, “Because my wife shot me.” And I was like, “Oof. Well, that’s fair.” I bet he guesses that with every death he hears, like, I mean, just, “Frank died.” “Did his wife shoot him?” “No, and I’m not gonna tell you anymore if you keep guessing that, all right? That’s the last one.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6efa4f35f3eb614475cb33f78f731873e6d09fde --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The final update. That’s what this next… The special after this is gonna be just more… just all updates. And… it’ll be something you don’t know, like, “Remember when my car didn’t start?” You’re like, “I don’t… Who is this update for? Uh…” I like to, uh… I like to drink iced coffee with milk, and… Thank you. Uh, I told a story. I went into a Starbucks inside a Target. I ordered, uh, iced coffee with milk, and the guy gave me milk with ice in it. I did not want milk with ice. I wanted iced coffee with milk, and he heard milk with ice. I have learned that a lot of people do drink milk with ice. People send me pictures all the time… of adults just drinking milk with ice. And they stay in the Starbucks. They don’t even, like, run to their car, like, “This is so embarrassing. I gotta stop…” Like, they… -…do it openly. My wife puts, uh, ice in our daughter’s milk, and I was like, “Oh, you do that because of my joke?” And she’s… she’s not a big fan of my comedy, so she was like, “I haven’t seen it.” I was like, “We have Netflix, you know.” She was like, “I don’t think we do,” I was like, “I know we do.” And she was like, “I’m just so busy right now.” Uh…So, all of it’s true, except my wife, my wife does like my comedy. She’s very nice to me, but, uh… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_33.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_33.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0c8bd465387127fb17f11c30631b7bfb49f468d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_33.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +All the rest is true. And the truth of it, too, is it’s happened to me two times. Twice, and let me tell you, one time is a lot of times. The second time, you start looking at yourself. You start thinking, “What am I doing? I don’t know if I know how to order.” I would say… I looked at… I ordered it in a mirror, just to see what it looked like. Like, “Iced coffee with milk.” I was just trying to see what they would see. I thought it was happening… There was a third time I thought it was happening. I was at a Starbucks at an airport, and she put the drink down, I was like, “They’re doing this on purpose.” I was convinced that they’re just calling each other, like, “Let’s drive this guy crazy.” But she just put too much, uh, milk into it. It was an honest mistake. And she told me, ’cause she set the drink down, and we’re both just staring at it. And she just goes… “That feels like a lot of milk, doesn’t it?” I was like, “Not as much as usual, but it does feel…”So, I have, uh… I’ve changed my drink up… since then, and I honestly did it because I don’t think I say “milk” good. I was having this one problem, and I was like, “I’m not gonna say milk.” So, now I drink iced coffee with cream. That’s all I changed it to. I’m tired of saying milk. All they kept giving me was milk with ice. I was like, “I’m gonna say cream, they can’t do cream with ice. That’s against the law.” So… I’ll get rid of the one problem that I have. And I’ve only been drinking coffee for maybe four years. Not very long. I only order this one little drink. I get very nervous when I order coffee, ’cause it’s a whole world, and I don’t know the world, you know. They always ask you a bunch of stuff. They’re like, “What kind of cream? I’m like, “Just please do it. -Just do it.” You know? Sometimes they’re like, “Heavy cream or half-and-half?” I’ll go, “I’m sorry, I’m not taking questions right now, so… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_34.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_34.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..90d13a3b568c380aee4a4544094fbe4b1efa719a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_34.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +if you could just do whatever you think it is, and if it’s wrong, I won’t even tell you. How about that? I will walk out of here as if that’s exactly what I ordered. I will go outside, I will throw it away, and go try again at a different Starbucks.” That’s how I’ll handle the entire… That’s why they have so many Starbucks, so you can just keep going. -Someone’s got to get it. If I have to get my wife’s coffee, she has to text me what she wants, ’cause I don’t know how to pronounce, like, most of the words there. So I just show them the phone. I go, “She wants this.” They’re like, “Does she want it sweetened?” I’m like, “Guess we have to call her now, don’t we?” And… I make them talk to her. I go, “Talk to a stranger’s wife. Say what you said to me.” Have you ever been to a Starbucks, like, inside? Like, you go inside, and there’s, like, a big, long line, and you’ll be waiting, and they try to take your order before you’re even to the front. You’ll be in the back, They’re like,” What you want?” You’re like, “I would like to wait till I get right in front of you. Yeah, you see how everybody looked at me when you said that? I didn’t care for that, so… How about we do it like a regular, normal business, you know, and you let me do it right in front of you? Starbucks is, like, waving cars down on the street, like, “We’re trying to get your order started in case you ever come here one day.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_35.txt b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_35.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a5c399e8993ac34aa3cee0271d655e02b96dc62d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/NB_TK_text_35.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Uh… So I was in, uh, San Francisco, and I bet there’s a bunch of fun coffee places, and I live in my dumb world that just… I just want this one little drink. So I go into a Starbucks, and I get in the front, and I was like, “Uh, I’ll take an iced coffee with cream.” She goes, “With cream?” I go, “With cream.” She goes, “Iced coffee with cream?” I go, “Iced coffee with cream.” She goes, “With cream?” I go, “With cream.” And she said it one more time, “So, iced coffee with cream?” And that point I should have said, “What’s going on right now? Where are you at in your head? Because I… I feel like we’re in two different places.” But I was nervous, and there was people behind me, and I was like, “Cream or no cream, honestly. I’ll give you $20 if you let me leave right now. I cannot… This is the most I can talk about this. I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.” So I paid, I go stand in line, where you gotta wait for your drink. There’s, like, five of us waiting for our drinks. So she puts the iced coffee up there first. No cream, and I was like, “Whatever.” I’ll just do it myself, you know? Like, I don’t like doing it myself, but I was like, “All right, I’ll just do it.” So, before I could get it, she’s walked back with a can of whipped cream, and she’s shaking it. And I’m just looking at it, like, thinking that’s someone else’s. I’m like, “Someone’s getting whipped cream. That’s fun. One of you guys are getting whipped cream?” And I look down, and she starts spraying the whipped cream on top of my iced coffee. She just yells out, “Iced coffee, whipped cream!” Yells it out. The other four people, they turn their back. Like, they don’t want you to accidentally think that’s what they ordered. And I’m just left alone. Like, “That’s what you thought I said over there? You don’t think I would have said ‘iced coffee with whipped cream’? You think I’m just some nut job?” Like, “I’ve had too many problems in this Starbucks, so I’m gonna use the words that I want and no other words: Iced coffee, whipped cream, cup.” And they didn’t have a top for it. So whipped cream, it doesn’t sink and become less embarrassing. It moves. It’s like a buoy in an ocean that everybody sees. I’m walking through the crowd like, “This is my favorite drink. I don’t know if you guys drink this at all. Does anybody… Nobody does this? I’m surprised.” And I walked outside and threw it away and tried again at a different Starbucks.All right. Thank you, guys. I can’t thank you enough. You are unbelievable. Thank you so much for coming out. You were, uh, really, you’re awesome. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_01.mp3 b/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_01.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c943fae8ba922b206506ac5cd909b098ed8027aa --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_01.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:6c0fd0ba3529dd4533da1e07b5caefe45300973d5d1c39b2733851fa99e7d296 +size 1941 diff --git a/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_02.mp3 b/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_02.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b7f13f8e0a69fbabf64b1e0362a836ef99706697 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_02.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:b4f6d060f8b56b8f96d5f8a1686c0a2b464a72664f3d6b719d1dc324272d1bb9 +size 2021 diff --git a/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_03.mp3 b/data/funny_text/PD_AFNY_audio_03.mp3 new file mode 100644 index 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b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Hey! Hello Bombay buggers. What’s happening? I know it’s going to sound strange, but it’s good to be home. I mean, although I was never born and raised here, but I still feel at home. I feel like I don’t have to do things that I have to do back home to keep up with white people. I can just be a comfortable brown man here. Fuck it, I don’t even have to put on deodorant over here if I don’t want to, because it’s not stopping you, you know what I mean? +Give it up for Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen . So we’re back in the motherland. How you doing, buddy? You OK? He must be good. He give me, like, the sharp one. That’s how you know you’re really fucking good. It wasn’t even multiple, just one. What’s your name? Preag. What? Preag. That sounds like before ugly. I am pre-ug right now, 10 more years, full-ug. +How you doing, buddy? Good? You chose to look like a sperm tonight. I see that was your– that was a choice you made.How did you get here?That’s why traffic doesn’t bother him. I was around a million others. That’s an awful outfit. Pre-ug, actually ug. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cc17fc04070820dcf2e1519d7751917924baf1b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +OK, let me tell you what’s been happening with me since the last time I saw you guys. I don’t know if you know this, it’s been a few years since I’ve been here. But since the last time I was here, I got fat. And– fuck you. I– here’s what happened, I was like my regular kind of fat. You know what I mean? Like, that kind of fat when you look at me and you go, you know, Russell, if you would just run, like, once. That’s the problem with being Indian, we get fat. We’re born skinny, that’s the real problem. We’re born skinny. We’re naturally a skinny race of people. And we’re born skinny and we stay skinny. We don’t have to work hard to be skinny. We could be skinny and eat whatever we want and stay skinny. And then we never go to the gym because we’re skinny, we don’t need to. And our parents don’t encourage you to go to the gym. You’re like, dad, I’m going to go to the gym. What’s in the gym? Do they have studies in the gym? No, you’re not going to the gym. You stay home and do your studies. And because you never tone up, you stay this, like, really smushy kind of skinny, you know. And you eat whatever you want your entire life. And then at 30, you’re Indian genes kick in and go, OK, party’s over. And then you just get fat, and it’s, like, a fucking awful fat that we get. And that’s what happened to me. I mean, I’m much older than that now. But I got like a weird kind of fat. I was like my normal fat and then I woke up one morning, I was like, [POOF]. I was like, I’m bloated. I figured I would pee it out, I would sweat it out, I’d be fine the next day. Anyway, cut to a year and a half later and I’m still [POOF].. And I go, something’s wrong. So I go to the doctor. I go, doc, I got fat. He goes, yes. I said, thanks, asshole. I didn’t come here for confirmation. I came here to find out why I got fat. He goes, well, why do you think you’re fat? I said, because I have a mirror. And I walked past it naked the other day and I thought somebody else was in my room. I was like, on my God, who fat, hairy ass is that? Turns out it was my stomach. It was–And people on the internet were calling me fat. You guys are dicks, by the way. You say whatever you want to us on the internet. And if we respond, we’re assholes. So we just have to take the abuse. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8d0a9b75a33cd0d915a8dbd0ae9331e881a83574 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But sometimes I get mad when people say things to me on the internet. Not because of what they said, more so because it’s probably something I would have said. And then I’m mad that my own words are getting used against me. Like, I posted something for this TV show I was on. And somebody goes, holy shit, did you eat your whole cast? And I was like, damn it, I would have said that to. I probably would have said that too. And then somebody posted a picture with me, and somebody commented and went, Russell Peters, looking thicker than a snicker. I got mad at that because I love a good rhyme. Thicker than a snicker, that’s a good one too. It’s not a fair way to describe a human. I think thicker than a snicker is a great way for me to describe my penis. I think it’s a wonderful way to describe it. So Russell, tell me about your penis. Well, it’s thicker than a snicker, equally dark and vain texture, packed with nuts, and it satisfies. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3fa91addb002c87a2a732de3f60bb924ce43afca --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So I said to my doc, I said, doc, it doesn’t make sense that I should be getting as fat as I’m getting. He said, why not? I said, because I don’t eat crazy, and I train jujitsu every other day. He’s like, huh, how old are you now? I said, 48. He goes, and you’re Indian? I go, yeah, but– He goes, and you haven’t had a heart attack yet? He goes– I said, no, I haven’t had a heart attack yet. He goes, all right. So he takes blood and I leave. Calls me back in three days later. I go back in, he’s like, hey, I got your blood back. I know what’s wrong. I go, what’s wrong? He goes, it’s your thyroid. I go, what about it? He goes, you have an underactive thyroid. I go, so what does that mean? It means it’s not doing enough. I said, I understand what the fuck underactive means. He goes, then why did you ask? I said, how is it affecting me? He goes, the thyroid is making you fat. I go, the thyroid is making me fat. He goes, no, you’re doing things too, but the thyroid is really helping. I go, so what do we got to do? He said, we’ve got to speed your thyroid up. I said, let’s get that bitch moving, right. So it’s been a year and a half now and I lost 24 pounds from it. But it wasn’t me, it was the medication. It’s not me. And I’ve lost– like my body’s in much better shape than it’s ever been, but my fucking head is fat as shit. And I don’t know– I don’t know how to– I look like a fucking thumb. +Do you know how hard it is to lose a fat head? It’s almost impossible. I used to box. There’s tricks when you want to lose weight from your body in boxing, you could put on a garbage bag and you go sit in the sauna and you sweat it off. Let me give you some friendly advice, you can’t do that with your head. I know, I found out the hard way. I was like, you know what, I got this. I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw it over my big stupid head. I’m not an idiot, I cut a hole from my nose. It was a substantial hole. And I went sat in the sauna. But I forgot when you have a larger nose and you inhale, you tend to suck up more than the average human. And I took a deep breath in the sauna and sucked up the plastic bag. And my friends thought I was trying to commit suicide in the dumbest way possible \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2493ccab1cc1ec9433facd980d2b0737867964bd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +But when I got fat, I got like a weird kind. Indian people, we get the worst kind of fat. Like, it just goes everywhere. Like, white people, do you ever see white Americans when they get fat, it’s just bam, a belly. And you can’t tell from behind. Hey, look at the white guy. He turns around and, like, hello. But Indians, it just shows up in the weirdest places. Like, I started to grow tits, but not in front, on the side. I don’t know what the fuck they were going, but– +I was growing side tits and they were like arm rests. I was walking around after a while, I was– It was like I was going to go into a pool with some floaties on the whole time. And then I was getting a fat back. That was a weird thing to get. It was like fat on my back. I would sit down and my fat back would hang over the chair and. I’m like, what the fu– I would grab it and go, this feels nice. But not on me, I don’t like this. And then I had a chunk of fat, like a big– like, right here– a big, huge clump of fat. Like, when a woman gets fat here, it’s called a gunt. Because it’s a gut right above her– you know I mean. So it’s a gunt. And I guess when I had it, it’s a gock. I guess it would be a gock, I guess. I don’t know. Literally for a year and a half, I didn’t see my penis. I would have to lift it up to visit. You still there, buddy? OK, good. And I’d rest it. Don’t worry, the sun will shine one day. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a74eb9c46082478c9f2ff2897babc0fd78bb47b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So my doctor says, hey, what else is wrong with you? I go, what do you mean what else is wrong with me? He goes, look, you’re a 48-year-old Indian man. I’m like, that’s really fucking racist, but since you asked, I have acid reflux. I don’t know. Does anybody else– who else has acid reflux in here? First of all, you’re lying to me right now. Because there is no way you can be Indian and not have fucking acid reflux. It’s inevitable. There’s no way you can consume the food that we eat with that much spice, and that much oil, and that much butter, and not just have it burn a hole in your– as my dad would say– your esophagus. What? Son, it’s burning your esophagus. Dad, I want to assure you I have no phagus in me. No, no, son, esophagus. I don’t care whose phagus you think this is. There’s no way you don’t have acid reflux. I’m looking at all of you, especially all the pudgy guys. You know exactly who has it. You got it, don’t you, yellow guy? You do, do you. He’s like, I know, I have it, but I don’t want to say because my shirt looks like turmeric, \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1616f5f61c6dca28321b66d667a28a0efdc545fa --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So my doctor says to me, hey, I just called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby and I got you an endoscopy appointment. I go, what? He goes, when was the last time you had an endoscopy? I said, never. Let me tell you something, doc, I’ve never shoved anything in my ass. He said, what the fuck are you talking about? I said, doc, I’m not an idiot, all right? I know what an endoscopy is. It’s in your end -os. Copy. He said, no, you fucking idiot, it’s in your mouth. I said, hey, yo. It may be in your mouth, doc, but it ain’t in my mouth, bro. I mean, what you do outside of here is none of my business, man. That’s why I like my doctor because he swears at me when he talks to me. I trust him for that reason alone. I don’t trust people that don’t swear. People that don’t swear, you’re hiding something. There’s something wrong with you. You probably touch kids. I’m telling you, there’s something wrong with people that don’t swear, there’s something wrong. They’re hiding something. And people that don’t swear act like they’re better than you. Because they go out of their way to let you know they don’t swear. I don’t know, I just find better ways of communicating than using foul and obscene language. It’s like, [GIBBERISH]. You keep an eye on those people. They’re hiding some– there’s something really dark going on in their head. They’ve got some dark, dark secrets and they don’t want you to know about it. You see them, the people that are too nice, they’ll be too friendly, too polite, you know. They got dark stuff going on in their head. They’ll be like, well, the wife and I had a lovely dinner with you all tonight. We hope you all have a wonderful night of digestion. We’re going to reconvene to the bedroom and at which point in the morning, we’ll collect again and enjoy a delicious breakfast together. And at which point we shall discuss the night’s events. With that, I wish you all good night and pleasant dreams. And they go to the bedroom and he closes the door. And he’s like, all right, honey, shit on my chest. Because they got dark, dark things going on in there. Here’s the good news, I swear I’ll never shit on your chest. I like how uncomfortable that made all of you. I’m just trying to do the math on the shitting on the chest, it’s– what is the purpose of this? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fce5cbcdcfcacb4c0049019691bb2a122c7cca56 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My doctor says, listen, I called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby and I got you an endoscopy appointment. I go, when? He goes, right now. I go, so what do I gotta do? He said, you got to go downstairs to the lobby and go to the clinic. And I go, and when is this going to happen? He said, right now. I said, OK, so where is this going to happen? He says, at the clinic in the lobby. I go, no, no, on me. He goes, oh, in your mouth. I go, so what’s going to happen in my mouth? He says, they’re going to give you an endoscopy. I go, and it just takes place in my mouth? He goes, yeah. I go, they’re not going to touch my asshole, are they? He said, do you want them to touch your asshole? No, they’re not going to touch your asshole. I said, OK, doc, I just want to confirm that this procedure is strictly in my mouth. He goes, that is correct. I said, OK, I’m going to go. But I swear to God, doc, if they try and touch my asshole, I’m coming back up here and I’m fucking you up. He goes, go, you idiot. So I go. Now here’s the problem, my doctor knows me. He knows what kind of person I am. He knows I’ve been a comedian for 30 years. He knows how my brain works. He knows how I have no filter. See, comedians look at the audience, we look at you guys and go, those are civilians. You guys are civilians. You know how to do this, sit around each other and be normal. Just sit around and go– I don’t– I don’t have that fucking filter. I have to– as soon you see– as soon as I walk out– \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7732ae2c59e776e93116f5f66deeb21f59fed21d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + But these people in the clinic don’t know me like that, so I can’t go in and be me. So I have to do my impression of how I think you would handle this situation. So I walk up to the clinic and I’m like, hi. I’m here for my endoscopy appointment. It’s in the mouth. She goes, yes, sir. We know where it is. Please come around. OK. So I walk around and she hands me a hospital gown. And says, OK, sir, just go down the hall, take off your clothes, put this on, and we’ll get started. I said, uh– um, I think there’s a misunderstanding here. My doctor upstairs, he told me that this procedure just takes place in my mouth. She goes, that’s correct. I go, oh, well, then hang on to the gown. Let’s just go get started. She goes, no, no, sir. You have to– you can’t have your clothes on when we do this procedure. I said, that doesn’t make any sense. Because if it’s just my mouth you need access to– I’m not fighting you on this. I’m not even blocking my mouth. I’m here to help. Pick a chin, which one do you like? I’ll hold it down for you. She’s like, sir, it’s policy that you cannot have your street clothes on when we do this procedure. I said, you know, it’s funny you should say that, because I, too, have a policy. And my policy is that I like as many layers as possible protecting my asshole at all times. She said, sir, would you just go put the fucking gown on. I said, whoa, you swore. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0021b079fa04e03042d967dda88dd57c5fba3797 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +All right. So I go down to the change room. And I’m standing there and I’m buck ass naked, right? And I start getting really paranoid about my ass. And then I get a brilliant idea. I take the hospital gown and I put it on backwards. Smart, right? Right? To protect it. But then I look down, my dick is just swinging, just like– +Look, it’s my story, I’ll make my penis as big as I want it to be, all right? It’s India. You’re all, like, come on, bro. That’s not even believable, OK? Not even on a humid day. It’s true, it was cold in there too, you know, I just– You know what I mean? It was embarrassingly small. It just looked like three coins and a mushroom cap. It was just terrible. It was the worst. Oh man. You know what I mean, you know what I mean, right? You know what I mean? Have you ever had it shrivel up so much that you bend forward and it inverts. You’re like, hey, where did my dick go? You’re like dick, no dick, dick, no dick. My black security guys never get that joke. I don’t get it. If I bend forward, the motherfucker hits the floor. +So I’m like, well, this is embarrassing, so I put the gown on the right way. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4d65f4701c486afa38b06b098730483fd36aa1bb --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +And I walk back in the room. And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, just hop up here and we’ll get started. So I hop up on the table, but I put my ass right against the wall. Because like I said, I train jujitsu. If you want to come at me when I’m on my back, it’s your funeral, not mine. And she goes, all right, sir, just so you know, during this procedure we’re going to be putting you under using propofol. I said, wait, wait a minute, propofol? Isn’t that the shit that killed Michael Jackson? She goes, yes, yes it is. I go, what do you mean, yes, yes it is? Why are you so happy about this? It killed the biggest pop star of my lifetime and you think it’s just OK for me to take? She said, sir, Michael Jackson was having an improperly administered. I said, Michael Jackson was having many things improperly administered. But wasn’t his doctor’s name Dr. Conrad Murray? Yes. Wasn’t he a doctor? Yes. Well, what’s your title? I’m an anesthesiologist. I said, look, I don’t care what your zodiac sign is, all right? I don’t even know what month that is. She said, sir, my job is to make sure you go to sleep and wake up. I say, [MOCKING GIBBERISH]. I said that is a fine answer and I will accept that. She goes, great. Please lay on your side. I said no, no, no. Why? Why do I got to lay on my side? I lay on my side, you knock me out, you lift up the dress, you flip up a butt cheek, you start stuffing me like a turkey. I’m not falling for this trick, lady. She said, sir, you need to lay on your side because when we give you the propofol you’re going to pass out and you’re going to fall over. And when you fall over, you could hurt yourself. So to avoid any injury, you need to already start on your side. I said, that is a fair answer. She goes, great. So I lay on my side, but I tuck my ass in real tight on the wall. And she goes, why don’t you count down from five with us? And I go, all right. Five, four, thwump. Out cold \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..199fb36d2dd3cf3b15c0130b3debe335ea226530 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t know if any of you’ve been put under at the doctor, but– Sir, have you been put under at the doctor? You’re an older gentleman. I mean, not older, but you know, you’re not these fucking kids, you know what I mean? What’s your name? Sandeep. And how old are you Sandeep? 48. 48, we’re the same age. Same shit. And have you been put under at the doctor? I got an endoscopy.RUSSELL PETERS: You had an endoscopy? “Endo-scope-y.” He had the “endo-scope-y.” And I had the endoscopy, so I think–Do you know if they gave you propofol when they put you out? No.RUSSELL PETERS: No, they gave you the cheap shit? Did they knock you out when they did it?AUDIENCE: No.No? All right, Sandeep, open wide. [YELLING] Really? You were awake? Yeah. Why didn’t you spend the extra $10 and get the fucking med?Is it even possible to do it when somebody is awake? Oh my God. It’s ironic because all the doctors in America are Indian.And then in India, they’re like, fuck it, we don’t need all these fancy tricks. Open wind, Sandeep. Were you 1970 or ’71? ’71.RUSSELL PETERS: ’71. So you’re a year younger than me. But you know what’s– you know what I’m not looking forward to, next year I’ll be 50. And uh-uh, because you know what happens at 50. They’ve got to go with the old– [WHISTLING] You know? [SQUEAKING] You know what I’m talking about? [BAA-ING] I’m running out of noises, Sandeep, all right? Sir, how old are you? Huh?AUDIENCE: 60.RUSSELL PETERS: 60. Did you have the old?? Not yet. You haven’t done it yet? What the fuck are you waiting for? You’re 60. You gotta get your shit checked. Here’s the thing, when I turned 40, it’s when you were supposed to do it back then. And then for some reason as I turned 40, there were like, no, no, it’s 50 now. And I go, yes. And I was like, I got 10 years before they’re going to shove a hand up my ass. And I figured in that 10 years, they would come up with some sort of technology. Because in those 10 years they got a fucking Rover to Mars. India’s got one circling Mars. The Chinese have got shit on the moon. And no, 10 years later, still.. I’m still puzzled that you were awake when this shit happened. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that would have been. Yeah, they knock you out and they give you propofol \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1d8e134680b7458a60211bd583d1af4c7e36490f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Let me just too you something about this propofol shit. It’s incredible. I get it, Michael, I get it. It’s an amazing drug, and I’m not a drug guy by any means. It’s not even my thing at all. I drink a little, but that’s about it. You know, but people come up to after the shows all the time and say, hey, Russell, you– What? You do blow? What? Coke? You do cocaine? Do I fucking look like I do cocaine? If I’m doing cocaine and my face is still this fat, I’m doing cocaine wrong. +Hey, give me another line, yeah. Aw, oh! No, I don’t do cocaine. Have you seen the size of my nose? You can’t afford to do cocaine with a nose this big. You go broke after one try. Wouldn’t be able to do lines, I’d have to do lanes. It’s not a reasonable drug of choice.Then why are you always sniffing? I’ll tell you exactly. I’m aware that I sniff a lot. And I’ll tell you exactly why I sniff. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6ff3eae7d4ef1906d1ef39693ca635bc29213c53 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ + used to box. And when I was boxing, I broke my nose. But I didn’t know I broke my nose, so it never got fixed. And of course I would’ve broken my nose. It’s been literally 30 years since I’ve broken my nose, but I didn’t know. Because I thought a broken nose looked like a broken nose. I thought it was like the guys in my gym where there was nothing then a nub. And they’re like, what’s up, champ? I didn’t know. I just thought I was a bleeder when I would get punched in the face. Last year is when I found out. I went to the doctor last year, because I was having trouble breathing. I go, hey, doc, I’m having trouble breathing. He goes, what’s the problem? I go, like, one nostril works and then the other one doesn’t. And then when the other one stops working, the other one starts working. It’s like there’s a flap in there. Like a train, you know, local, express, local, express. He goes, have you ever broke your nose? I said, no. He said, you sure? I said, doc, I’m not an idiot. Pretty sure I’d know if I broke my nose. He said, didn’t you tell me you used to box? I said, yeah. He goes, so wait, you used to box and you never broke that? I said, doc, I never broke my nose. He goes, wait, hold on a second, you’re trying to tell me you were so good at boxing that you managed to avoid breaking the biggest fucking thing on your body? I say, I’m telling you, I never broke my nose. He goes, if you never broke that fucking nose in boxing, you should have a 10 world titles by now. I said, I never broke it. He goes, lean forward, you fucking idiot. So I lean forward. He goes like this, yeah, your nose is broken. I go, how do you know that? He goes, because I’m a doctor. Yeah, but how can you tell? He goes, because it’s not connected. I go, if it’s not connected, why didn’t it fall off? He goes, you’re a fucking idiot. He goes, look, nobody’s nose should move around like this. I shouldn’t be able to move it around, and double click, and order shit off Amazon from your face. This is not a normal nose. I go, that’s a broken nose? He goes, yeah, what did you think it was? OK, don’t judge me, all right? This is actually what I thought this was. And understand I’ve been a comedian for 30 years and I have a creative mind. Here’s really what I thought this was. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..36aa4be2df9904d6dd6c09197e12fb7783539a5b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know how humans– this is how you know it’s going to be dumb– you know how humans are an ever evolving species? Like, if you looked at humans from 10,000 years ago, you go, what the fuck were those? Well in 10,000 years, those humans are going to look at us and go, what the fuck were those? Well, so because of evolution and my own ego, I thought that I was evolving at a faster rate than you.And that my body, to accommodate the larger nose, had developed some sort of joint hinge system in here to alleviate the weight. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. He goes, you’re fucking retarded. I said, doc, you actually cannot say that anymore. What? That you’re fucking retarded? Yeah, you can’t say retarded anymore, doctor. No, I can say it. No, you can’t, because it’s offensive to people. I’m not talking about anybody else, I’m talking about you. You’re a fucking retard. And I go, no, doc, you can’t say retard or retarded at all anymore. He goes, I’m not talking about anybody, I’m talking about you. And as a matter of fact, I’m putting it in your notes. I said, you’re putting in my notes that I’m a retard? He goes, no, I’m putting that you’re a fucking retard. He goes, lean forward. I lean forward. He goes, let me show you something. I lean forward. He goes like this. OK, now breathe. And I go [TAKES BREATH]. Oh, that’s amazing. What did you do? He goes, I attached your nose.This is awesome. He goes, I can fix it and you can breathe like that for the rest of your life. I was like, yes, please, let’s do that. He goes, you’ve got to make an appointment and then you need three weeks where you can’t fly. Well, I don’t have three weeks where I can’t fly so I haven’t had it fixed yet. But now I’m scared to get it fixed in case I end up looking like a pig. And then all my Muslim friends don’t come and see me anymore, because they’re like, he looks like a pig, we cannot go see him any longer.I do this out of respect for my friends. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..803def7d4a869893b9932299269684adc5a56378 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Let’s get back to this propofol. Sandeep, you got to get this propofol. You’ve just got to go back and tell them, listen, I think you need to check again and give me some goddamn propofol. Because if they give me the bullshit stuff you wake up feeling kind of groggy. Propofol, not at all. I literally woke up like this, whew, let’s do this. She goes, we’re done, sir. I go, you’re done?How long was I out for? Two or three hours? She goes, 15 minutes, sir. I said, in 15 minutes I could have saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico. She said, you can go get dressed. So I go get dressed and I come back in the room. And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, we’re all done here. Just so you know, in about an hour, you’re probably going to notice you have a bit of a sore throat. I said, what the fuck did you do to me? She said, sir, it’s the most common side effect. You know, we shoved a tube down your throat which may cause some irritation or some swelling. About 98% of the patients will suffer from that. So if and when that happens, just take an ibuprofen and you’ll feel better. I said, are you sure that’s all you did? She said, I’m positive. I said, you didn’t touch my asshole, did you? She said, what? I said, what? And I walked out.An hour goes by and then two hours goes by and I go into a panic because I do not have a sore throat. I’m like, oh my God, I’ve got the throat of a gay man.Somewhere out there is a gay guy going, oh my God, these dicks are killing my throat. And here I am with all those wasted talent. I could have been guzzling dick all day. [GIBBERISH] I’m the envy of a community. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..91a30432b7fa205fffeb35d94f43de421fb830f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Is that your wife with you, Sandeep?AUDIENCE: Yes. – Hi, wife. How are you? Do you guys have kids? How many? – Two.RUSSELL PETERS: Two. Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl? – Boy. Boy and girl. One of each. Are you happy with that? Absolutely.Is that the reason you went dry on the endoscopy? Because she was like, if I’m going to squeeze children out of here, you’re going to take a dry endoscopy.My advice to anybody if you’re going to have kids, have a daughter. Daughters are the best. They just–They really are. I have my daughter and I have a son. He’s a month and a half old. He’s brand new, so he’s not very smart yet. But I don’t think he’s going to get much smarter. He’s not– boy, he’s dumb. Boy, this kid’s fucking dumb. Like, you know when they’re that small, like, everything is a tit that comes to his face. You know– I go to kiss him, he’s like– Hey, fuck off, that’s my nose, get out of here. You ever get a nipple this big, you need to check the check, because that’s something weird going on there. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ceb49ed9aac7e9ff81c57ebbcdd79a399fd4f64d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +My girlfriend’s Mexican. And I didn’t realize how Mexican she was until she went into labor and they broke her water and candy fell out of her. Do you realize my son is Mexican and Indian? He’s going to be able to engineer the wall.And hop it. He’s going to steal your laptop and fix it. It’s going to be an amazing thing to see. How old are your kids? 22 and 19.RUSSELL PETERS: 22 and 19. Man, you did all this shit young. That’s crazy. I mean, that’s great. I did it way too late. You think about it, I’m 49. When my son starts walking, we’re going to be walking the same way.I waited too long. Do you remember your first pregnancy? You remember it clearly? Do you remember how many months it took you before you started to show? Probably about four to six, maybe? Yeah, it’s usually about that, right? Four to six months on your first pregnancy, the woman starts to show. My girlfriend, she started the show after one month. It was like,. I’m like, what the fuck is going on? How many? How many? How many motherfuckers are in there right now? I took her straight to the doctor. I need to know many heartbeats you hear, doctor. How many heartbeats do you hear? There was just one, but I got so scared. Because twins at this age, fuck that. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c9cc9590cfc0dcce69ec1ef5d62b0d399819149e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Anybody here have twins or is a twin? You have them or you are?AUDIENCE: Boys. I have boys.RUSSELL PETERS: You have twin boys? And apparent– – But they are younger.RUSSELL PETERS: I’m sorry? And apparently your sunglasses didn’t come with instructions.This side of my head is very cool. That’s only because you pulled your pag lower, that’s all. You have twin boys? – Yes.RUSSELL PETERS: Identical? – Yes. Oh, see, that’s twins. What did you name? Did you give them fun names? Gouldet and Harlet. Gouldet and Harlet?AUDIENCE: Yeah. It sounds like you’re stealing something and putting it away. Gouldet and Harlet, please.Identical twins. That’s the only people that I think should be called twins. Can you tell them apart? Yes.RUSSELL PETERS: Do they were pags too? No. One has dimples. One has dimples? And the other one has– Doesn’t have.RUSSELL PETERS: Oh. Yeah, I figured. One has dimples, the other one, doesn’t have. Identical twins, those are the only– I hate when people tell me, yeah, I got twins. What do you got? I got a boy and a girl. That’s not fucking twins ever. What you got are two kids with the same birthday. Women call their breasts the twins. Have you ever had a woman go, so would you like to see the twins? If she opened her shirt and an elbow on an ankle fell out, you’d be like, uh–There’s something wrong with your twins. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d91bdf17c16ac808886d1fa6574b9031acda0908 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Identical twins are the only people that should be twins. And I started getting scared when I thought my girlfriend was going to have twins. But I started settling into the idea because I started thinking of names for identical twins. I was like, if I have twin girls– because you’ve got to have fun with the names. If I have twin girls, these are going to be my daughters, it’s going to be Kate and Duplicate. These are my boys, it’s Pete and Repeat. If I had twins with a black girl, this is Tyrone and Tyclone. Identical twins, that’s like bragging rights for you, you know I mean. That’s your way of going, look. Look at how good my balls are. Look, look. Or because you’re Punjabi, look at how good my junk they are. Looks at this.Look at how good my balls are. My balls are so strong, they made one kid and then it made the exact same kid right away. You lift up your balls, sponsored by Xerox. Sponsored by Xerox. I call the left one copy and the right one paste \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4d23330c358885ea1e04c949c9c81a58a2396cc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +for the people that are in relationships and your girl wants kids and you don’t want kids, I got some– I got a really great way out of this. Men, you need to learn how to fake orgasms. Trust me. Sperm face, do you have–I’ll just call you Gisbonda. You have kids? – Yes.RUSSELL PETERS: How many? –Two.Two. And with that lady there?Yes.And how old are they?So my son is going to be 7 and my daughter is 5.RUSSELL PETERS: 7 and 5, OK. And you like them? I love them. You like them so much you dress up as them.It would have been amazing if she was dressed like an egg and you were like–Men need to learn how to fake orgasms, that’s their way around having kids. Let me explain to you. First of all, women don’t need to know how to fake orgasms because they do it all the time. And women don’t fake orgasms because they can’t have them. Women fake orgasms because men are fucking idiots. Because here’s the problem with men, we either don’t pay enough attention to a woman or we fixate on one spot. We’re like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And she’s like ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OK, ow, ow, ow, ow. But we don’t hear the ow part. All we see is– That must be the spot. Don’t leave that spot. Er, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow. And the only way to get you to stop if she goes, ah! And then you are going, yeah, I did that. And she’s like, no, you idiot. I was going numb. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cbbe06c25e4957182783fd2d38806762c937e293 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You need to learn how to fake an orgasm. Preag, let me show you how. When it comes to faking an orgasm with a woman, it’s very technical. I have made up a list of suggestions. I recommend if you’re going to fake an orgasm with a woman, you should be behind her– having sex, not just standing there. That’d fucking weird if you just– oh.What the fuck was that? So you should be behind her having sex with her– with her– at same time, yeah. I recommend you’re behind the woman, because when you’re behind a woman it’s easier to fake. It’s harder for them to check your work. Because when you’re behind a woman, very rarely does a woman turn around and go, was that good? Never. Because you know why? It’s not an attractive angle. Women don’t want to look like, what? So when you’re behind it’s like a horse in a race. Just [TROTTING NOISES]. You never see a horse going [TROTTING NOISES] So you should be behind her \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e0b6f73127b00c228d9b1c0e058f3b6e10c3d312 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +And let me ask you something. You guys are fucking obviously. What’s your name? Sorry? – Sohill.RUSSELL PETERS: Sohill. And your name, sweetheart? Shabina.RUSSELL PETERS: Kibera? What?AUDIENCE: Shabina.RUSSELL PETERS: Sha– shamuch? Pisha? Shabina. Subpoena? Wait, like as in you’ve got to go to court tomorrow? Shabina.RUSSELL PETERS: Savita. Shabina.RUSSELL PETERS: Shabina. That was like 10 different versions of the same name I just heard. Shabina, OK. I’m going I’m going to prove to every woman in here that all men, including myself, every man in here has ADD, every single one of us. OK, Shabina, you ever doing it with Sohill and he’s behind you and you can feel him slow down and then speed up and then slow down and speed up. And you’re thinking, oh, my little SoSo’s got– +My little SoSo has moves. Let me tell you something, that’s not what it is. Let me tell you what happened. It’s ADD, that’s exactly what the fuck happened. Here’s what happens ladies, we get behind you, we’re good for the first two strokes. And then after that, ADD. We’re like this, yeah, all right.I got to change that light bulb when I’m done. Oh shit, let me get back to it. That’s what happens \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..808ae091abbf60a04a121bba570a2e30c799ac9a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +OK, Preag, pay attention, bastard, hello.So when it comes to faking the orgasm, you don’t have to do anything crazy, all right? You’re just doing your normal sex that you guys do. And don’t act like you do all kinds of fancy shit in the bedroom, OK people? We all know once you’re in a relationship for a while, there’s the three basic positions. There’s the us, the her, the you. That’s all there is, it’s three moves. One to get it started, this one’s for us. OK, now it’s your turn sweetheart. And then my turn, that’s what happens. And here’s some good reasons as to why you should fake an orgasm, because you’re not ready to deal with a pregnant woman. It’s a very different– are you pregnant, sweetheart? I could tell, because you’ve got a thin face and then you’re holding your stomach and fat people never do that. So when are you due? Four weeks.RUSSELL PETERS: In four, oh wow, you’re right– like, right there. And is this your first child? And is she extra horny right now? It’s true, it happens.It’s a fact. It’s true, they get really horny towards the end of the pregnancy. And it’s very uncomfortable for us. Because my girl when she was pregnant, she was like, towards the end, she was like, why don’t you want to have sex with me? And I go, it’s– Oh my God, you think I’m fat. I go, I don’t think you’re fat, I know you’re pregnant. Then why would you have sex with me? I’m like, I physically don’t have enough equipment anymore to get in there. Because she got real big when she was pregnant. I was like, I can’t. She was like, I’ll get on top. And I go, no, because she gets on top then her stomach pushes me further away. And I’m like, huh, huh. And nothing because I can’t reach. It just my balls hitting her in the back. [SMACKING SOUNDS] Nothing happening. It’s like that scene in “Back to the Future” where Doc’s trying to connect the wire. Come on, Marty. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_26.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5b0302baafbc77ddf0a78b210dc000c06466bac1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_26.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +OK, so you’re doing your three positions, right? It’s a regular lovemaking day, you know. You do us, her, and now it’s on to you. So you’re behind her, doing your thing. You don’t have to do anything extra, you just do it like normal. You want to set off any alarms. And when it comes time where you feel like now is when I want to fake my orgasm, this is where the work comes in. You have to sell it. You have to make a really believable noise, first of all. All right, and it has to be a noise that you’re not going to accidentally do in the middle of the day, all right. And it’s going to be a big noise, you don’t want to be like, oh. No, that’s– That’s not it, all right. It’s got to be big and– but like something– like what I do is when it comes time for me to fake an orgasm, what I do is I just grab her ass out of nowhere really hard. I go [SLAP SOUND],, and then I go, ah! Because I’m never going to make that noise ever in my day. Not unless I’m doing an impression of a reporter from the 1930s. Russell Peters, LA Times, can I get a quote, ah! So you’ve got to go, ah! And that’s only the beginning. Now you have to sell the orgasm. That’s where the work comes in. So it’s , ah!You literally have to act when her vagina is electrocuting you. And then when you’re done, you just collapse. You die, you die, you fall over. And then she’ll be like, wow, that was a good one, huh? You’re like, yeah, that was a good one, yeah. Pay attention though, a couple of seconds later, she’s going to go, hey, you’re not leaking out of me. You go, no, no, that’s because I shot that one way up there. I launched that one. It’s in there deep. Whatever you do, don’t burp, because it’s going to come out. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_27.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9c7e9ccba9d69fd517b97f456dd392694a736291 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_27.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know, Indian parents, like the NRI Indians, they’re very different than you guys. You may not believe me, but you guys are far more forward thinking than they are. Here’s the problem with the Indians that left India, they left India in whatever year they left, and that’s what year India is stuck in.If they left in 1970– if they left in 1970, India is still 1970 to them. They can’t imagine all this shit is happening. No, no, Russell, that would never happen in India. Yeah, come. Come, motherfucker. You should see. You’re going to see. They do, they try. They hang on to shit that doesn’t even exist in India anymore. They try to be overly Indian. And their whole reason for leaving was bullshit, because they’ll do this, no, I want to leave and give my children a better life, give them opportunities, expose them to different things, let them experience a new world. And then what do they do? They have the kids born and raised in America, and then around 18, they go, son, we know you’re dating, but maybe you should consider an Indian girl. And you’re like, but we’re in America now. I know, but you should think about an Indian girl. I go, no, I mean, you know, If I meet one, yeah. But it’s not going to be my focus, because there’s so many other women around here, I might as well try something else. I mean, if I’m going to get with an Indian girl, what was the fucking point of leaving in the first place? At least over there we got way more choice. But son– this is the bullshit they pull on them– son, what will happen to our culture if we don’t stay together? What will happen to our culture? Let me tell you what will happen to our culture, fucking nothing. Fucking nothing. You know why? Because there’s 1.3 billion motherfuckers right here.If every Indian outside of India never married another Indian again, we would still have 1.3 billion right here. You don’t need us helping you. Even you guys are like, stop fucking, please, we don’t need any more. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_28.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..269b0603eff3024fdb56b8ba42e2326862be0862 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Here’s what Indian parents need to understand, is that the Indians and the Chinese will forever, always, 100% of the time, be on this planet, no matter what. There’s too many of us to just go missing. If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, you know what would be left? Rats, roaches, Indians, and Chinese, that’s all that would be left.And since everything’s already made on this great continent of Asia, we’re going to be fine. Here’s what Indian parents need to understand, if an Indian guy has a kid with a white girl, they have a beige baby, that’s a win for us. I have two kids with Latin women, my kids are khaki. If an Indian guy has a kid with a black woman, that’s a brown baby with the possibility of a larger penis. That’s another fucking win for us. +And if an Indian guy and a Chinese girl have a baby, that’s a super baby, and that’s a win-win, and you can name the kid Win-Win. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_29.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7a5e367795a0b15c1750f3faecd02e8e91476996 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_29.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know who I feel bad for in this world? I feel bad for white people. I do. I feel bad for white people. I know there’s some in here, but I can’t see you. You’re back there, I see you glowing in the dark. I do feel bad for white people because you’re dwindling at an alarming rate. Like, there’s not– you realize, like, in about 150 years there’s not going to be any more purebred white people. They’ve just been infiltrated at all costs. That’s why I feel like I live in America, and in America you see on the news, you see white people have these rallies. And people get really mad at them. And I kind of sympathize with them. You see them on the news, like, the white people need to be together with the white people. They always add an h in front of it for some reason. The white people. And I’ll tell you what. But they’re like white people need to be together with white people. And I’m like, yeah, they do. And they’re like, what? I’m like, I’m with you. We don’t want you with us. I know. I’m not with you, with you. But I feel your pain. What in the hell’s wrong with you, boy? I’m just saying, well, there’s a lot of us and there’s very few of you. I just want to see the white people get preserved. Because if white people go missing, who the fuck are we going to blame?I’m not ready for that kind of accountability. Look at Scratch, his kids are half Indian, yes. He likes the brown. And I don’t mean– \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_30.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_30.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f6b7a61f71b7844e8944b8dd4b92e72010780587 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_30.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But Indian parents, they’re– I know there’s a lot of Indian parents here too, but you need to know, Indian parents, that you’re very good parents, but you’re also really shit parents at the exact same time. Here’s why they’re good. They’re good because they love you so much. They’re shit because they love you so much. Because here’s the problem with Indian parents, they love their kids to the point where they don’t let their kids think at all. Like, they don’t– We don’t want their brain to burn out, just let us do all the thinking for you. We will make all the decisions. And it all stems from– we all keep– we’re missing a generation, you realize that. There is a generation missing from somewhere. Because our parents lived for their parents, and our parents are trying to make us live for them. And then I guess we’ll pass it down and make our kids live for us. And who the fuck is living themselves anymore? But that’s what they do. They overpower you with the, you know, son, just do what I tell you to do, OK? Trust me on this. Don’t do that. Go here. Don’t go there. Talk to these people. Don’t talk to those people. And then I’m not the kind of guy that can ever just take information like that. I always question everything. So I’m like– if you want to see an Indian parent fall apart, question them. Holy shit, they have no clue what to do. My dad would be like, son, I don’t want you going to that club tonight. I go, why not? What do you mean why not? I mean, why not? I need to know why I should not go to this club. Son, because it’s a fact. What? What do you mean? What does that even mean? Son, it means it’s a fact. You haven’t given me one fact. Son, it’s a fact. When something is a fact, it’s a fact. You cannot change a fact because a fact is a fact. I’m like, is that a fact? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_31.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_31.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b172c63d1775f05fedd579c3540aba4b4826b43d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_31.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I love coming back to India and I’ll tell you why because I love coming back to India. You know, what’s funny is people ask me all the time whenever I come to India, like, Russell, why don’t you like Bollywood? Why don’t you like Bollywood? I’ll be honest with you, I’m going to tell you the truth right now. Here’s the reason I– here’s the real reason I don’t enjoy Bollywood films, because I love car chases. And you can never have a fucking car chase in Mumbai. +It’s not even a plausible idea. Quick, get him.Uncle.Beat it, we’re trying to have car chase. Uncle. Car chase went up to at least two kilometers an hour. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_32.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_32.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..999b4a793d87fb9d2aae0b1f6c1c1835977e5e8d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_32.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Here’s the thing now and we live in a really interesting time. Where Indians used to just always leave India to go on vacation, I’m finding more and more Indians are celebrating their country more. They’re going to different places in India and having, like, these really nice trips and vacations. And that, to me, is very important. Because the Indians that left, when we come here, we only go to where we’re from. We don’t see anything else ever. When I was a kid and I would come to India, just Bombay, Calcutta. That’s all I would see, Bombay, Calcutta, Bombay, Calcutta. It got to the point where I didn’t know if there was any more to India than just Bombay and Calcutta. And I remember being here in Bombay, I was 9 years old. And I said to my dad, I go, dad, is there any more to India than just Bombay and Calcutta? And my dad said, no. Are you sure? Positive. But there seems like there’s a whole bunch of country out there. I’m sure there’s more people. There are more people and they look just like you. What do you want to see? I was like, dad, can I see the Taj Mahal? Not from here. Physically impossible. It’s a different place. You know, it’s one of those– It’s a beautiful place, but I always try and explain it to people in North America that India is the kind of country where you could cut it in half and have a north and the south and probably create two countries– not that I want you to. But I’m saying, because they’re two completely different fucking worlds. You take a guy from the north of India and a guy from the south of India and throw them in a room together, they have nothing in common. They can’t speak the same language, they don’t look the same, they don’t eat the same food. The only one common denominator throughout all of India is this. That’s the only one thing we can agree on. You throw them in a room, where are you from? I’m from India. I’m from India, what part? No, not that part, no \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_33.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_33.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..44d73370c8dc2591218f58919f96fe0f5f260f59 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_33.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Growing up I was ripped off from the Indian culture, my parents didn’t exposed me to it. It was unfair. Because I hung around black people my whole life. From the time I was about four years old all I hung around was black dudes. And it wasn’t until I was about 18 that I realized, holy shit, I don’t know anything about Indian people. Because my name’s Russell, my parents are Eric and Maureen, my brothers Clayton, my grandparents are James, Christopher, Sheila, Eileen. It’s not going to happen. It wasn’t till I was about 18 that I started to meet Indian people. And I was so excited to meet Indian people, but I’d never heard Indian names. I saw an Indian guy, and I go, yo, are you Indian? He goes, yeah. Me too. I go, I’m Russell. He goes, I’m Pancag. I go, whoa, what the fuck was that? I go, why do your parents not like you? And then he’s like– and this is when I realized how much I didn’t know about Indian culture– he goes, hey, you know that one Indian song? I go, no, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Because my dad was very much against Indian music. He didn’t like the Indian movies or the Indian music at all. It was just his– he just didn’t like the sound of it. And I get it, you know. Like, my mom would sneak the Indian channel on every now and then and there’d be, like, an Indian song playing in the back ground. My dad would just yell from the kitchen, Maureen, shut that shit off. Sounds like cats in heat. And then I remember hearing Indian music for the first time and I go, holy fuck, it does sound like cats in heat.And that’s why there’s so many of us because we listen to horny cat music. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_34.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_34.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..658e103dc36fe7c22d6a19ec4bd09f15c9e76485 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_34.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +But when I say I didn’t know anything about the Indian culture, I mean fucking basic things I was lacking. And I was so mad at my parents for ripping me off from that part of my culture that I went out of my way to try and learn everything about Indian culture. But there’s too much to know. There’s no way you can know everything about Indian people. That’s probably why we believe in reincarnation so you can come back and finish the book. But basic things, like, basic, basic things I didn’t know. Like, we came to India about 12, 13 years ago for shows, here’s how much I didn’t know. We got off the plane and the lady– all I can remember is my dad teaching me was, son, always be respectful, OK? Always be respectful. I go, all right, be respectful. We got off the plane in Bombay. The lady greets us. She goes, namaste, sir. I go, thank you. My brother goes, what the fuck was that? I go, I’m being respectful. He goes, no, you fucking idiot, you’re supposed to namaste with her. I go, I don’t know her like that. I can’t just start namasting bitches all over the place and catch a me too. I’m not playing this game. He goes, no, you fucking idiot. You gotta bow and say namaste. I go, oh, right. Namaste, right. So then we get to the hotel and the guy greets us. He goes, namaste, uncle. And I go, uncle, who the fuck is this guy? We got cousins working at the hotel? Let’s get an upgrade. And then after a while, I got the hang of it and I became, like, the namaste king. You couldn’t out namaste me for nothing. I was like– I was namasting the shit out of people. I was like, namaste, namaste, namaste. I was turning spins on it. Namaste, motherfuckers. I was like a black girl at church breaking it down. Na-mas-te.There was a lady in my hotel lobby, she was about to sneeze. She went– and I went namaste. She she went, you fucked up my sneeze. But I was on fire with my namastes everywhere. And we were on tour and then my fake northern half of India is namaste, namaste, namaste, namaste. And then we went to Chennai Madras. And I’d never been to the South before. And we get off the plane. And as we get off the plane, the girl puts her hands together. And I cut her off and I go namaste. And she goes, vanakkam.What? What? What? What’s that? She goes, vanakkam. I said, did you just say vanna come?I was like, I like the south. Of course I want to come. Doesn’t anybody want to come? Should you want to come at least once a day? It’s different down there, man. It’s very different. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_35.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_35.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fece99105c895910867a43242112fb290abaa7fa --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_35.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I try to explain to people the difference between North and South. North, taller, lighter skin, bigger features, more body hair, not that bright.It’s a fact. You go to the south, shorter, darker, smaller features, less body hair, much smarter. And if you don’t believe me that you’re smarter in the South, I’ll prove it to you. All the computer shit that happens in the world, happens in the south of India. And I was trying to figure out why are they so good with computers? And I figured it out, it’s the languages. Because in the north they speak slower. [SLOW GIBBERISH] Then you go to the south and they sound like this– And that’s why they can read computer code.Well, there we are in Madras and the promoter meets us at the airport and he’s like, hello, Russell. And I go, hi, I’m Russell. He goes, this is your driver. And I go, hey buddy, I’m Russell. And he goes, Hello Russell, I’m Naga Lingam. I said, what happened? He said, I am Naga Lingam. I said, I don’t know what you’re saying. That is my name, sir. What is your name? Naga Lingam. I said, we’re going to need to work on this because I don’t know that I’ll be able to say that. Please, sir, everyone just calls me Naga. I said, oh, I gotta be honest with you, I grew up with black people and I’m a little uncomfortable with your name. I got to be honest with you. He goes, please, sir, everyone, please, just call me Naga. I said, all right, all right. So we start driving, right? And I see this mall coming up in the distance. And I’m like, oh, I need to get something. So I’m trying to get the driver’s attention. I’m like, yo, hello, hello, excuse me, bastard, bastard G, hello, hello, hello, yo, hey yo, my Naga. Can we stop in that mall for a second? He goes, no, no, sir. We must continue to venue. I was like, Naga, please. Just then this guy cuts him off and he loses his shit. And I was like, yo, this Naga’s crazy, right? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_36.txt b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_36.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..399cce43801ee82b0ecf58dca01d8070804d0600 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/RP_DP_text_36.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Right then my mom calls me. And she’s like, where are you? I said, I’m in Madras. She goes, oh, that’s great. Did you know that your grandfather, James Peters, was born and raised in Madras and then he moved to Bombay and that’s where your father was born. I said, I did not know that. But did you know I got a driver and he’s got the best name I’ve ever heard in my life. She goes, what’s his name? I said, Naga. And she goes, OK. I said, mom, isn’t that funny? She said, no, why is it funny? What do you mean, why is it funny? Mom, his name is Naga. You know like, Naga what? Naga who? And if you don’t know now you know, Naga. She goes, son, that’s not funny. Naga just means snake. It does? What’s his last name? I said, Lingam. She goes, oh my God, that’s funny. I go, why is that funny? That means penis. What? Wait, this guy’s name is snake penis? It is a very common name in the south. What? There are many snake peni down here? You can’t just name your kid snake penis and send him out in the world. It’s not like he’s living in America with a name like Naga Lingam where nobody knows what it means. You all know what the fuck his name means. You know that this Naga Lingam had to have had an arranged marriage. And it was one of those hardcore arranged marriages where he never met the girl till the day of the wedding. Even he got to the wedding, he was like, which one is she? OK, got it. Good, yes. They have the wedding, they have the reception, everybody has a wonderful time. Naga Lingam and his new wife go back to the hotel room for the first time. Their alone, it’s uncomfortable, he walks in the bedroom. So I guess you heard. Would you like to see it? And she goes, OK. He pulls out a flute.Thank you so much, Bombay. I love you guys. 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b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +Okay. Thank you for coming out in horrible weather for this. I appreciate it. + +This is a good thing. It’s a good time to be alive. Great time to be a man, right? The bar is nice and low. (audience laughing) It’s nice. I was with a girl the other night. She said, “I don’t think we should have sex.” I was like, oh, that’s cool. And then she goes, “Wow, you’re a great guy.” (audience laughing) I was like, that’s all it takes? (audience laughing) I’m pretty sure the alternative is a felony. I don’t know if I’m a great guy, but I’ll take it. I had a good mom growing up, you know? Ever since I was a little kid, my mom would say, “No means no,” and she was talking about cookies, but I put it together, you know? + +I met a girl after a show in Florida. I’m not bragging, but I do pretty well in Tampa, (audience laughing) and… she said, “I’ll drive you back to your hotel, “but there’s no way that I’m coming upstairs.” I said, whatever you want to do is fine with me. So, in the parking lot, we’re making out. She said, “All right, I’ll come upstairs, “but there is no way that you’re getting laid.” And I was like, am I being recorded right now? (audience laughing) This feels like a #MeToo sting operation. (audience laughing) So, very loudly into her chest, I said, that’s totally cool. (audience laughing) This is Sam Morril, March 22nd, 2018. (audience laughing) Timestamp. + +No, I like consent. Consent is the shit. Consent, that’s the best part, the consent. Sometimes I get the consent and then I just, I go home and I jack off instead. (audience laughing) Get a good eight hours of sleep. (audience laughing) And my friends asked, “Did you get laid last night?” And I say, no, but I got the consent, so, pretty cool. + +No, I take the #MeToo movement very seriously. I won’t even watch office porn anymore. That’s how… (audience laughing) You can laugh. It’s a nice gesture, it is, you know. I used to like office porn, but now I see it and I’m like, he should not have done that. (audience laughing) There should be a guy that comes on at the end like, yeah, he doesn’t work here anymore. That was crazy. + +There was this gay porn star. I was reading about this guy. That’s how I know this. (audience laughing) And he… I do a lot of reading. And he got banned from all these porn sites because he has Nazi tattoos on his chest, which you gotta be kind of a scumbag for porn sites to be like this doesn’t really align with our values. (audience laughing) We’re kind of a family here at Gang.net, and… We’re disappointed. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2c0602611ea8438cb59e37cf63d07784438098c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +It was hard for me to come out tonight, you know? It’s not the weather, it’s my neighbors are breaking up, but I didn’t want to miss it, you know? It sounds very painful for them, so I don’t feel good about it, but have you ever heard a relationship unravel from the comfort of your own couch? (audience laughing) It’s kind of nice. I’ll be watching the game and I hear the fight start and I have to hit mute so I can listen. (audience laughing) I was watching tennis and I just overheard her go, “Oh, yeah?” and I was like click. (audience laughing) She just yells out, “You have a tiny dick.” And I was like, cancel my plans. (audience laughing) This is more important. And then he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re a fucking bitch.” And I was like all right, so far she’s winning for sure, you know? Not even close. And then she goes, “Oh, yeah? “Your dick is so small…” So, she’s recycling material, but, still a devastating blow, you know? Not easy to come back from. And then he yells out, “Oh, yeah? “Well, your pussy stinks.” And I was like, all right, we got a match on our hands here. (audience laughing) And it’s going back and forth so much, it almost starts to sync up with the tennis match where it’s like tiny dick, stinky pussy. Tiny dick, Stinky pussy. So, finally, I had to knock on the door. I said, hey, it’s Sam from across the hall. Long-time listener, first-time knocker. (audience laughing) You guys are killing it. I wore a little referee shirt. I said both of you should drop your pants. I’ll settle this right now, you know? + +(audience laughing) + +Breakups, man, they’re painful, right? They don’t feel good. I got a text from my ex not too long ago. Out of the blue, she wrote, “Just so you know, “I’m seeing this new guy.” And I wrote back, oh, wow, okay. And then she wrote, “What, you didn’t think “I was ever gonna date ever again?” And I said, no, I didn’t remember signing up for the push notifications, you know? (audience laughing) I’d like to hear less from you and the HuffPo if possible. (audience laughing) But neither of you will leave me be. + +(audience laughing) + +You know, the problem is we have sex ed when we’re kids, but we need relationship ed. That’s where we need the help. I don’t need help with how to put a condom on. I need help with what to do when she starts packing her . (audience laughing) That’s where I need the guidance. She’s like, I don’t love you anymore. And I’m like, cool, Coach Mitchell did not cover this part, but I could show you where the is. She’s like now’s not a good time. I’m like, keep me posted. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..433682290c5f273c00796e87da792c084f546470 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +I wear a condom every time. You have to. It’s not fun, but you gotta do it. It’s like doing volunteer work. (audience laughing) ‘Cause during, I’m like this kind of shucks, but then afterwards, I’m always thinking good for me. (audience laughing) Yeah. I do it for the kids, that’s why, you know? (audience laughing) Gotta wear a condom. It’s not the best, but you know. Lambskin, anyone do a lambskin condom? Yeah, you do it? What do you think? You like it? It’s so much better? It is, yeah, no one else? It’s just me and her? We’re the only shepherds in the house tonight? What happened? (audience laughing) It is good, right? It feels better. Here’s how you do it if you don’t know. You in a lambskin, and then you eat a gyro, and then you go out in a wool sweater. You gotta use the entire animal. That’s how you do it. + +I feel bad in relationships ’cause I’m very disappointing, you know? I really am. I think women are like, he’s a comic, he’ll be fun. I’m fun. There’s other stuff. I’m like the Dominican Republic, you know? I’m great for like five days, and then… (audience laughing) Then I go this has some problems I was not aware of. (audience laughing) I’m not Haiti, but I’m in the vicinity of what that is. + +Weird time. And I feel for you women. Look, the #MeToo stuff, I get it. It’s a very emotional issue. It’s also a very important issue. It’s a weird combo, though. You know, sometimes I’ll see posts that as a man, it doesn’t fully resonate. I saw a post the other day that said, there’s nothing more feared than an intelligent woman. I was like that’s not true. (audience laughing) That’s not even in my top five. (audience laughing) And I frighten easily, but I’ve never been on the subway at two in the morning and been like, oh no. (audience laughing) This looks like a pack of valedictorians right here. (audience laughing) Hope they’re not summa cum laude. + +(audience laughing) + +So much has changed. It’s kind of crazy if you think about it. I think about some of these movies from the ’80s, these sex comedies like Porky’s or Revenge of the Nerds. I love those movies. They always had that scummy best friend. You know the guy I’m talking about? He’d always ask questions like, “Did you get laid last night?” If he said no, he’d be like, “This guy blew it.” I miss that character ’cause it’s gonna be extinct. They’re gonna remake these movies. They’re gonna have to write in a woke best friend. Some guy like, “Did you smash last night?” Nah, we just talked. And he’s like, “Well, sometimes a conversation “is equally fulfilling, so…” (audience laughing) That’s kind of cool. A lot’s changed. Some of it’s for the better, obviously. I remember in college not that long ago, they would say things like don’t go to that frat house. They roofie. That’s a thing they would say out loud. And I’d be, oh my God, should we do something? Like, no, just don’t go there. (audience laughing) That’s it? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..445a6412d75e633c32f9fad1806d8af57f842e80 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +I got roofied at a party in college by accident, but you know, it still counts. Obviously, it was an accident. No one at the party was like I’m gonna roofie that hairy boy over there. Let me… (audience laughing) Let me a passed-out werewolf tonight. (audience laughing) + +That is male privilege right there, isn’t it? I just told a room full of people I got roofied. I did not see one concerned face in here. (audience laughing) Everyone in here is like I assume things worked out for you, and they did. Still weird, though. + +Here’s what happened. I was at a party and this guy handed a girl a drink, and she said, “I’m too drunk.” And I said, I’ll drink it. And he gave me this hateful look, and I thought, why is this guy so mad at me? And then I chugged it, and I woke up the next morning, and I was like oh. That guy’s a sexual predator. (audience laughing) And my friend said you ruined his night. And I was like, that’s not how I want to think about it, you know? (audience laughing) You don’t want to think of yourself as a -block to some monster. (audience laughing) I prefer to think of myself as an accidental hero. (audience laughing) I have a negative-one rapes, so, you know. Statistically, you know… I can’t, you guys. I can’t take all the credit, you know? It’s kind of like if I was driving drunk and I just swerved and accidentally hit a mugger. (audience laughing) And some woman is like, “My hero,” and I’m like if you say so, but I might have a substance abuse problem, so… + +It’s hard not to drink man. It’s very hard. I work in a place where there’s a bar every night. I’ve been trying to be good. It’s very difficult. I read this article that said try to replace drinking with another activity like tennis with a friend. I was like, yeah, that’s a very helpful example. That’s always the crossroads I find myself at at 4:57 a.m. I can’t tell you how often I’m coming out of a blackout like I should have done doubles instead. That’s… I brought my Wilson racket and everything. You tell me to replace an addiction with cardio, that’s very helpful. I’m gonna start walking into halfway houses full of crack heads like have you guys done Zumba? (audience laughing) It’s so much better than crack. (audience laughing) They’re like, thanks, we didn’t know. That was helpful. Of course you want to get fucked up. Have you tried living? (audience laughing) I’m happy and I want to get fucked up. Have you watched the news? It makes you want to drink. Another mass shooting after another mass shooting. It’s always the same thing, too. It’s always some guy who’s like I heard voices in my head. We all do. (audience laughing) Everyone hears voices in their head. Good people just don’t listen to them. If I listened to all the voices in my head, I would be a sometimes-gay street fighter, so… (audience laughing) I know. It sounds like a confusing video game. It’s not, you know? Why is E. Honda butt-fucking me? Wow. That’s his finisher. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ba73b7af6178fe55cea124a28aa163a725feb9b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +Every mass shooter, it was a very quiet man. That should be part of the background check for guns, right? You want this gun, you better be chatty. (audience laughing) Do my podcast. We’ll see if you’re an extrovert. I don’t trust it. (audience laughing) + +It’s a sad time to live in. There’s school shootings now. It’s horrible, ’cause now getting held back is a real threat. (audience groaning) Do you want to go to summer school? Please, I’ve already done two tours of freshman year. I don’t want to… Some of these jokes, the content you’re not gonna like, but structurally, they’re gonna be really solid. So, that helps. It does help with it. Look, these shootings are so senseless and horrible that sometimes these anchors try to make sense of them on the news and they try to sound profound. It just comes out wrong. I was watching this guy after a shooting, and he said now would be a good time to be around people. I was like, yeah, that sounds a lot like where the tragedy happened, so I’mma stay at home alone. (audience laughing) And if I die, it’s gonna be from autoerotic asphyxiation, okay? On my terms. (audience laughing) That’s a better way to… That’s how I want to go. Peacefully in my own hotel closet. (audience laughing) + +That’s a weird fetish, right? Autoerotic asphyxiation. You gotta choke yourself to come? I don’t know. How do you even find out you’re into that? Are you just jerking off in a turtleneck, and you’re like, hmm… (audience laughing) I like where this is going. A little more presh… + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2ebff841f7ee871b391747279c58194d76d43f54 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +I was just in California. They have a 10-day wait for the guns. That’s a good rule. A gun should never be an impulse buy. You should never be returning a gun like we made up, so… (audience laughing) You know what’s weird? They always bring up the founding fathers. Every gun debate, they bring up the founding fathers, right? They always say, “The founding fathers had guns.” They did. They also had wigs. (audience laughing) It was a long time ago. That’s how long ago it was. They thought a powdered wig was a good look, so… That’s my stance on guns. You could have a gun, but I think you should have to wear the wig. (audience laughing) Right? ‘Cause at least then, I can tell who’s dangerous from afar. If I’m trying to get into my apartment at two a.m. and I turn around and see a Ben Franklin-looking motherfucker, I just hope that’s not an intelligent woman, honestly. (audience laughing) Yeah. If you got to go in the hood, it’s gonna look like the cast of Hamilton, but… (audience laughing) They always bring up the founding fathers. + +They never mention the fact these people had a life expectancy of the mid-30s, so it probably wasn’t a big deal when they got shot. I would assume most funerals were like, look, he had three to five years left, tops, so. That’s like getting shot now in your 80s, which would almost be kind of cool. (audience laughing) How would you rather die? Connected to tubes for three months? Would you rather go out like a G? (audience laughing) I wanna die in my 80s in a gang-related incident. (audience laughing) I want my obituary to say, “Comedian Sam Morril was shot dead today at the age of 87.” (audience laughing) His last words: “Thug life”… (audience laughing) as he emptied the clip. + +There’s so much to be scared of, too, isn’t there? Incels, there are new words you have to learn. Incels. The involuntary celibate. So, they don’t get laid, so they become terrorists, and they look a lot like me. It’s very upsetting. (audience laughing) That’s a certain type of person, ’cause I have married friends that don’t get laid. They haven’t made the jump to ISIS, but maybe they should. ISIS lacks that type of diversity. They don’t have enough divorced men. (audience laughing) Just a bunch of dudes, “Death to the infidels,” and one guy like, “Also Karen.” “I mean, we gotta kill Karen, too, right?” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7a4fcbc6009eb907d947841abd857537913a099c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +You ever read the botched terrorist missions? Those are my favorites, the ones who couldn’t cut it? There were these guys around 9-11. They were getting too drunk at strip clubs in Florida. I love the fact that you can come to this country hating us, and then you go to a few strip clubs, and you’re like, they’re not that bad. (audience laughing) It turned out to be a false report, though, because they said they were going to strip clubs and dive bars and even college parties. I was like, oh, man, that’s such a bummer, because that’s where you want to meet a terrorist, at like a mixer. (audience laughing) They’re like, we used to be Al-Qaeda. Now we’re Sigma Chi, so… (audience laughing) The objective is still virgins, but, you know… + +(audience laughing) + +I think about it all the time. I think about all these scary ways you could die traveling. I read this story about a depressed pilot who nose-dove a plane and killed all these people on-board, so, you know, that’s gotta be a bummer. You know what the first thing I say when I get on flights now is I say, what a lovely day it is to be alive, and I just hope that positive energy trickles it way into the cockpit, and they’re like, yeah, it is good. ‘Cause I’ll be on flights sometimes, and the pilot comes on. He’s cheesy and people roll their eyes, but that’s what you want. (audience laughing) That guy’s still trying. (audience laughing) What do you want, a down-in-the-dumps captain? Hey, this is your pilot. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but you know, that’s life. It’s hard, so… (audience laughing) Says it’s gonna be a six-hour trip. We’re gonna land way sooner than that, so… Buckle up or don’t. I doesn’t matter. I’m gonna murder you. (audience laughing) Thanks for flying Spirit. + +(audience laughing) + +Depression, man, the depression is real. It really is. Someone sent me a very helpful article on depression recently. It said these are the foods you gotta eat if you’re depressed, which, thank God. If you’re at that point, just end it. Honestly, has that ever turned it around for anyone? I was gonna jump off a roof, but then I ate some dried mangoes, and I’m feeling good. They find your corpse on the sidewalk. I don’t understand. He ate so many cashews. Why would he… + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..04e7c00fa5ff6811a8096cb0444fbab2dfcda715 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +I’m not built for air travel. I’m six-three, I’m lanky. I’m kind of weak, you know. I got a middle seat on my way back from L.A. recently. I get up to use the bathroom. I come back. The guy in the aisle is sleeping, which is very annoying, ’cause you knew I was coming back. (audience laughing) There’s no skydiving option on-board, okay? I had to return. And now I have to make a decision. Do I wake him up and piss him off? Or do I mount? (audience laughing) I think I’m more flexible than I am so I elected to mount. (audience laughing) And I have just horrible lateral balance. I did not stick the landing. My leg comes down on his leg. I’m on top of the guy. As I’m on top, I see his little sleeping mask come up. (audience laughing) What do you do, you know? I kissed him on the mouth. That’s what I did, you know. There was nothing sexual about it. It was a Godfather II Fredo kiss. I said, “I knew it was you.” (audience laughing) Mostly ’cause you were sitting here before, but… + +No, I’m not built for this travel-type lifestyle. It’s not working for me. I had to see a sports medicine doctor about my back and he gave me muscle relaxers. I said, “Hey, can I drink on these?” And he said, “Absolutely.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Are you sure?” and he said, “I do,” and I was like that wasn’t the question. (audience laughing) I said, “Are you sure it’s not gonna mess my liver up?” He said, “It’ll it up real bad. “It’ll be all right.” He’s not my doctor anymore, but we do hang out. He’s cool. (audience laughing) This guy texts me all the time. He texted me the other day, “Yo, what the fuck is up?” And I was like what medical school did you go to? (audience laughing) I’m gonna guess the Cayman Islands, you know. He tells me to swim at the rec center because of my back. I love it. I love the rec center. I don’t know if you ever been there. As a Jew, it’s fantastic. It’s just old Jews and Japanese men. If you had it bad during World War II, this is your spot, okay? Fantastic. Every time I go swimming, there is a morbidly obese woman on a noodle. She’s just floating horizontally across the lap lanes, and we just swim around her like she’s not there. (audience laughing) Part of the rec center code. And I can tell when there’s a new guy ’cause he looks confused, and I say, “That’s Cathy. (audience laughing) “I go right, you go left. “We’ve developed a system.” Then on the wall, it says “Rule Number One, “no swimming with diarrhea,” which I’m like, all right. (audience laughing) I agree. I kinda wish it weren’t Rule Number One. (audience laughing) I don’t know who that rule is for the most, the most motivated human who’s ever lived? (audience laughing) Some guy at home like, ugh. I’m still going, but… (audience laughing) “Rule Number Two: “Must wait two weeks after having diarrhea “to swim in the pool,” and I was like, all right, right out of the gate, mostly diarrhea-related rules, you know? Clearly, there’s an incident that we’re dancing around here. You know you didn’t pick a first-rate exercise facility when all the rules are like could you not shit on our stuff? It’s been a problem. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8db7ed49f164c436f78fe5aaf48ab1e8746cdc13 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +I love this place. Everything about it’s off. I went to the bathroom. I knock on the door, and the guy in the bathroom yells out, “Who is it?” (audience laughing) That’s not what you’re supposed to say. (audience laughing) You’re supposed to say, “I’m in here.” You’re not supposed to be expecting company (audience laughing) in the men’s rec room bathroom. (audience laughing) But I figured I’d give it a shot, so I said, “It’s Sam,” and he goes, “No.” (audience laughing) That was the right answer. + +(audience laughing) + +You’re gonna hate this next joke, but I’mma do it anyway. (audience laughing) This is how bad my back was. I read a headline in the paper that said graveyard worker had sex with over 100 dead bodies, and my first thought was that is a lot of digging. You know? (audience laughing) I know that’s a horrible person, but that’s also an unattainable fitness goal for me, and I would kill for that core strength. (audience laughing) How much true crime is there gonna be? Are you guys watching this like me? It’s so addictive, yeah. Give it up for all these murderers for all this great content. You keep killing, we’ll keep watching, that’s what I say. + +I don’t want to point fingers here, but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate. I don’t know if you’re paying attention. I would recommend never going home with us ever. If a woman goes home with you, she really trusts you, or she’s taking a chance, you know? So whenever I open the door, I always turn to her and I say, hey, thanks for rolling the dice, you know? I appreciate it. That’s all I watch is murder and standup. I’ve been doing this for a while. I see comics sometimes on Netflix. I’m like, this guy fucking stinks. I wonder if murderers watch true crime like, this is pretty disappointing. (audience laughing) Three murders in five years? I should be the one on television. + +(audience laughing) + +We all do it, but we’re getting desensitized. You ever just watch four straight episodes of Law & Order: SVU and it hits you, like, that was probably too much rape for a Sunday? I don’t know. (audience laughing) I’m not even paying attention. I’m folding laundry and I’m thinking, when did this become background noise in my life? I should not be consuming SVU like it’s smooth jazz, you know? The darkest plots you’ve ever seen, I’m watching one, the mom’s pushing her baby in the stroller. She turns around for a sec then turns back around. The baby’s gone. That’s not even bad parenting. That’s incredibly efficient kidnapping, by the way. You got to give credit where credit’s due, ’cause she was crying, “I’m a horrible mother,” and I was like, no, you ran into one of the greats. (audience laughing) That was like the Steph Curry of abduction. That was pretty flawless. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..867db724da0693abefa9a74e1c4504633a1f10b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +See it on these dating sites, too. I read this article. It said that you gotta be careful on dating apps now because there are these gangs that’ll post pictures of really hot women, and then you show up on the date and they just rob and beat the out of you. That’s gotta be a bummer, ’cause it already sucks when it doesn’t look like the picture. That’s gotta suck extra. You show up for your date at two a.m. at the bridge, and… (audience laughing) eight dudes are walking toward you, and you’re like, Kathleen? + +(audience laughing) + +I was in an Uber right after a breakup. You ever just overshare with the driver? He said, “How are you?” I said, “Ah, I had this breakup.” He said, “Let me tell you some about breakups,” and the second he said that, I thought I might have fucked up. (audience laughing) He said, “You now what I did when my girlfriend left?” and I said, “What?” He’s like, “I fucked everyone. “You think that helped?” And I said, “No,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) All right. He said, “You know what else I did? “I called her up, I told her all about it. “You think that helped?” and I said, “God, no,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) And I said, “I’m gonna stop guessing “because you’re very unpredictable.” (audience laughing) Went on for 20 more minutes. I finally got out of the car. I was like, “Do you think that was helpful for me at all?” and he said, “Probably not,” and I said, “It was.” + +(audience laughing) + +One of the hard things about dating now is a lot of younger people are meaner. They’re very mean. That’s how they flirt. I think it’s called negging. I was talking to a girl after a show and my poster was up, and she goes, “Wow, you look really ugly in that picture.” I said, “Oh, that’s not very nice,” and she goes, “You’re a comedian.” I said, “Yeah, I’m also a human being, so.” (audience laughing) I enjoy pleasant conversation as well. And I was wearing a striped sweater, so she goes, “Nice sweater, did you wear it on purpose “or did you escape a pris-on?” She said, “pris-on.” (audience laughing) Which kind of bugged me. I was like, “I feel like you don’t know “a lot about pris-on.” (audience laughing) I said, “I’d like to escape this conversation.” She said, “That’s all you got?” And I said, “I have to be meaner to you to communicate?” She said, “Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Comedian.” I said, “Rather not.” She said, “Come on.” I said, “All right, you’re very pretty and I’m very lonely, “and I would still rather masturbate than pursue this. (audience laughing) “So, yeah.” So, we’re back and my place, and you know, yeah. It works, negging works, I’ll tell you. It really does. I was making out with her and it hit me, I don’t even like this person. I’m thinking, what am I doing? I’m making out with her, and I said, “Maybe we should stop.” And she goes, “What, you’re rejecting me?” And I said, “I don’t think this is a good idea,” and she said, “I’m really turned on now “that you’re saying no to me,” and I said, “You seem like a pretty unhealthy person.” (audience laughing) She said, “No one’s ever rejected me. “This is the most turned on I’ve ever been.” I said, “Well then, you’re gonna be super hot “for this Uber I just called you, okay? “Hopefully get the guy I got. “He loves to fuck.” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b9a8e21584c6e74bfd376c0464499ec10c693626 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +I went on a date with a girl. She told me her last boyfriend was 60, which I thought was kind of shocking. I said, “That’s a pretty big age gap.” She said, “Let me tell you something. “There’s no difference between a 30-year-old dick”and a 60-year-old dick,” and I said, “I haven’t done the research, “but I feel like there is.” I’m gonna go with temperament. I think that’s the difference. A young is like an intern, up at the crack of dawn, over-eager, down for whatever. An old dick is like a CEO. He’s like, this better be important, okay? (audience laughing) I don’t have a lot of time. So, we’re on the date, we’re making out in the bar. She starts going underneath my pants, just looks me dead in the eye and goes, “Why aren’t you erect?” I was like, “Erect, what are you, a transformer? “Who talks like that? “I’ll tell you why, ’cause we’re kissing and I’m not 14. “Have you seen the shit that’s out there? (audience laughing) “You want to get me hard, “tell me you’re a dental assistant “and your husband’s coming home in five minutes. “Then we’ll talk, you know?” + +(audience laughing) + +I watch too much porn, so, I do. I’m aware of it. You notice it while you’re having sex sometimes. Like, if we’re having sex and it was good, and while we’re doing it, I just said, “I will eat your butt,” and she said, “You don’t have to do that,” and I was like, “Thank you.” (audience groaning) I overextended myself. Thanks for catching that one and reeling us back in. + +This porn is just not good. It’s all these dark topics. I saw a taboo link on a porn site, so I clicked on it, and it was incest porn. I was like, all right, you called my bluff. That is taboo. Then the next one was interracial, and I was like, they should divide these up a little better. I don’t know. What kind of racist porn site… + +Every porn category is just shit you should never do, right? Like fuck your best friend’s mom. That’s rude. (audience laughing) Blackmail your boss; it’s a place of business. It’s criminal, you know? We need some positive porn categories to rewire us. We need categories like couple that’s been together for a while, fucks after autism benefit. You’d be like, all right, well… (audience laughing) I’m not glad I jerked off at two p.m., but they raised a lot of money for those kids, you know? Instead of the money shot, it’s just a link that says donate now. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..48bfb1f117deaab74afd3251dbc200a216f48c36 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +I don’t know, man, I’m happy I’m doing this is New York, you know, ’cause I’ve been on the road a lot. (audience cheering) No, I’m not… I’m not (coughing) pander, so… (audience laughing) No, I’m useless on the road. I can’t drive. I can drive, but if you were in a car with me, you’d be like pull over, I’mma drive. This is not good. I’m bad and reckless. That’s a bad combo. You ever get cut off by a reckless driver, then you catch up with ’em, you gotta see what they look like? It doesn’t matter what race or gender. Every time I see what they look like, I’m always like, “I fucking knew it.” (audience laughing) Could just be a white guy, I’m like, “Classic.” This is a classic white motherfucker. Takes what he wants, contributes nothing to society. I’m only gonna do the example for white people, but, you know. (audience cheering) Don’t want you to get uneasy. + +I heard a guy yell at a cab driver the other day. He said, “Learn the language.” That’s messed up, right? And guess what? It’s sometimes nice when they don’t know the language, right? You ever call a car to the airport at five a.m. and you get a little Korean guy? Like, oh, this might be a nice quiet ride. (audience laughing) Then you get on the highway and he’s like, “Weather’s weird,” and you’re like, fuuuck. (audience laughing) This jackoff learned the language. + +(audience laughing) + +I’m a Yellow Cab man. I don’t like Lyft or Uber. It’s not my thing. You know why? ‘Cause you rate them, they rate you. You’re both on your best behavior. It feels like a first date. (audience laughing) Even they way they pick you up feels like a blind date, right? They’re like, “Are you Sam?” and I’m like, “Yes.” (audience laughing) I like a Yellow Cab. It feels like a marriage. Neither of you are trying at all. (audience laughing) The second you get in, he’s mid-conversation on speakerphone. (audience laughing) I’m in the backseat eating Caribbean street food. (audience laughing) We’re both hammered, you know? (audience laughing) No one’s putting on airs. You ask him, “Hey, can you drop me right “in the front of my apartment?” He’s like, “Nah.” I respect that. (audience laughing) Good for you, holding your ground there. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..053a7f530636054716a6238b3862f44c749aa868 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +I did nothing all day, man. I did nothing. I watched the news. I saw an anti-smoking ad. It’s weird that they can do anti-smoking ads, but you can’t do pro-cigarette commercials. Isn’t that weird? They don’t give ’em a rebuttal. (audience laughing) And I’m not like a big cigarette guy, but I like one when I’m drunk sometimes. It’s nice. I thought of a good pro-cigarette commercial. How ’bout this for like a casual smoker? A hot girl walks up to a guy in the bar and asks to bum a cigarette, and he goes, oh, I don’t smoke. So then she goes outside and bums them from another guy, and they go home together and they fuck and that’s the whole commercial. (audience laughing) There at the end, it just says, “Wouldn’t kill you to carry a pack,” you know? (audience laughing) Marlboro: Just in Case. + +All right, I got some momentum. Let’s break out the abortion jokes. (audience laughing) If there was ever a time. My friend just had one, and her boyfriend didn’t contribute to the cost, which I thought was not cool, you know? She’s going through it, yeah. That’s not a very noble stance, I don’t think. That is how low the bar is. I’m like, guy should pay a little bit for the abortion, and women are like, he’s a hero. He really is. No, even the most pro-life person I talk to was like, wow, chivalry is dead. That was the baby’s name, Chivalry. (audience groans) I’m just saying. That one’s not for everybody, that joke. I did that joke the other night and somebody yelled out boo. I thought it was the baby’s ghost, but, you know. (audience laughing) I’m just saying there are still gentlemen. If I knock you up and you need an abortion, it’s on the house. (audience laughing) I’ll throw my Delta SkyMiles card right on the counter. Are you sure, Sam? I got this. With all the rewards and benefits that Delta has to offer, (audience laughing) I’d be a fool to do otherwise. (audience laughing) I’m two to three abortions away from Diamond Medallion status, so… (audience laughing) I’m losing some of you, but I’m gonna take it a step further here. (audience laughing) I think you should get extra SkyMiles points with an abortion, because that’s one less crying baby onboard, you know? (audience laughing) That, yeah, I don’t… (audience applauding) Me personally, I don’t like doing that part of the joke, but I have a sponsorship deal with Delta, and you know, they get very upset when I leave it out. They dock me Biscoff cookies. Love those cookies. + +I was talking to a guy after a show. He told me there was gonna be an anti-abortion parade, which I think he meant to say march, you know? (audience laughing) I don’t think there’s gonna be a parade, but if there is, I’ll be there. I want to see what the floats look like. (audience laughing) That one looks unfinished. That’s what we’re going for, so, yeah. (audience laughing) Back-to-back abortion jokes. I got greedy, guys, I did. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2c0c977e281b7d549f1f0ded338d44401be080e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +I’m a pretty liberal guy, but some of my friends now are so liberal that everything turns into slavery or the Holocaust in every conversation, you know what I’m talking about? I was talking to my friend the other day, and he goes, “Trump is Hitler.” I said, “All right, look, “we don’t know how hilarious Hitler would have been “on social media. “That’s not fair.” Hitler might have had a strong Twitter presence. Trapped in bunker, sad. (audience laughing) Adolf’s trending. + +I came across the article the other day on the internet. Just said fun facts about Hitler, which I think is a great title. (audience laughing) I’ve always said there aren’t enough upbeat pieces on the Fuhrer. (audience laughing) Fun fact about Hitler, didn’t pay income tax, was very bad at managing his money, and I thought, man, it’s too bad there wasn’t a group of people that could have helped, you know? (audience laughing) Jews. So… + +You know where that joke did not hit? Naples, Florida, okay? (audience laughing) Terrible people. My least favorite city. I’ll never go back. I bombed four straight nights. I got into an argument with an 80-something-year-old man. I had a breakdown on the last show. I finally just said I gotta get out of Naples. He goes, “Well, you’re still here.” I said, “Well, I’ll be out in the morning. “You’ll be in a casket soon.” (audience laughing) And he said, “You’ll have to put me there,” and I said, “That’s not how time works.” (audience laughing) And it kept escalating back and forth. Finally, I hear a voice in the crowd yell out, “Grandpa, enough.” (audience laughing) That’s Naples to me. My dad called me to check in. He said, “How are you?” I said, “I’m in fucking Naples,” and my dad goes, “Italy?” and I was like, “Oh, no. (audience laughing) “These jokes are not taking me abroad, Pops. (audience laughing) “I’m in Florida, the bad part.” + +True story. I’m on stage there. As the start to a bit, I go, “So, I’m a New York Jew,” and someone in the crowd goes, “Ugh, no.” (audience laughing) Not a yes or no question. (audience laughing) It’s my heritage. Also, ugh, that’s our sound. That’s cultural appropriation, okay? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..71f9a89069c06493b96e6e38126b4b23c073edbe --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Not all gigs are this fun, man. I think my mom worries about my career choice sometimes. Some nights it’ll be a bad gig. I do casinos sometimes. They’re the worst gigs ever. You know, they pay pretty well, but they’re soul-crushing. You’re just watching people stand up one by one and exit throughout the show, some by scooter, it’s very jarring, but… (audience laughing) And the casino’s not even mad because they want these people pissing away their money on the gambling floor, you know? So, I go to apologize to management. They’re like, no, you’re doing a great job. (audience laughing) You should bust out the abortion jokes earlier tomorrow night ’cause those went horribly. + +But I think she worries. My mom worries a lot. I was with her the other day on the street. We saw a dead bird, and I said, “Ew, dead pigeon.” My mom goes, “Don’t touch it.” (audience laughing) I was like, what do you think happens when you’re not around? (audience laughing) You think I’m just walking around, let me grab this shit right here, hell yeah. Lunch meat. + + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9836dbb82f954b82fa87213c3dd6b8f49ac3331e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I don’t blame my mom for worrying, you know? I still get in trouble. I got assaulted in Burlington, Vermont earlier this year, which is not where you think it’s gonna happen. A lot of open-toed sandals, everyone’s high. I thought it was safe, honestly, but they seem like nice people. Bernie even seems like a nice guy. I like Bernie Sanders. You know why? Because he debates the way I’ve argued with every woman in every relationship. I know I don’t have a chance. I just want to get my ideas out there, you know? (audience laughing) So, I’m in Vermont, and I’m out after the show. I’m having a couple beers with some comics. We’re at a bar two blocks from the venue. Some guy walks up to me. I can tell something’s off about him, and he just looks at me and he goes, “University of Vermont?” And I said, “No.” And he goes, “Masters degree?” And I said, “You’re getting colder.” (audience laughing) And he said, “I want to beat the shit out of all of you.” But he’s only looking at me. (audience laughing) Yeah, and I looked him up and down, and was like, ah, he’s bluffing. So, I turn around. As I turn around, he grabs me by the shoulder, takes a pint glass, and smashes it over my head, and I thought, I poorly read that situation. (audience laughing) He was not bluffing. So, he runs out. They call the cops, and the first thing I say after he hangs up with the cops is I yell to the bar, “You all heard him call me Jew-boy before he did it.” (audience laughing) And they said, “I didn’t hear that.” And I said, “I did.” And a Jussie Smollett tale was born. So, they put him in the backseat. The cops get him very quickly. He wasn’t getting far on foot. He’s in the backseat of the car. The cops are examining to see how bad my injury is. They’re taking glass out of my hair, and the cop asks, “Did he smash a pint glass on your head?” and I said, “It could have been a pint glass, “it could have been a menorah. “It happened very quickly, okay?” (audience laughing) And the cop asked, “Do you see spinning?” I said, “Like a dreidel, it’s pretty rough, you know?” Then finally I had to admit it wasn’t a hate crime and they took the guy away, and the bar manager turned to me. He said, “Just so you know, this never happens here.” And I was like, yeah, I figured. That’d be pretty weird if you were like, “That was Scott, “so, Scott does that \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8ff3ae132e2f28f12d6780397e841ade95b93ab7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Unfortunately had a bad string of luck on the road. Some of it’s my fault. About eight years ago, I was drinking too much. I was a young comic on the road. I was in Seattle. I was hitting on a girl after the show. Every 30 seconds, her friend would lean in and go, “Not interested.” Every 30 seconds, “She could do a bit better than you.” It would get progressively meaner. At one point, she goes, “You’re very unattractive.” And I was a drunk kid. I just said, “Get some more Botox, you lizard.” I’m deeply ashamed of myself for saying that, and it’s completely inappropriate, although if you were there, you would have been like, he nailed it, totally. (audience laughing) But she seemed furious. I couldn’t tell by her face, but she seemed very upset. (audience laughing) Me and my friend were laughing. As we were laughing, I get popped in the face by her boyfriend. I deserved it. She was a lizard, but she was his lizard, and I thought it was cool that they stuck together, you know? But this was foreshadowing. A month later, I’m in Cleveland, horrible time to be in Cleveland. It was when LeBron left the first time. Okay, yeah, exactly. I don’t know if you guys remember, but they did not take it well, and they made the mistake of having their whole economic plan at the time be LeBron and that’s it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0f73774c45076321e0def3af58d9baf0c2c8546a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So, it was rough, and I love Cleveland. I’ve always had good times there. I like the people. It felt like the whole city got dumped because it was Valentine’s Day, too. It was just a weird vibe. And I met this hot older woman after the show, and we hit it off, but she’s there with a guy friend, who’s just a friend, but it’s Valentine’s Day. There’s that weird energy in the air. He’s kind of going for her. I’m going for her. And he’s buying me drinks to keep an eye on me, and I’m accepting the drinks because I lack character, so. (audience laughing) He gets up to go to the bathroom, and I asked her, “Do you want to get out of here?” And she said, “Yeah, let’s ditch him.” This is how stupid I am. I take her to the bar next door. That’s my getaway plan. (audience laughing) I was like, seven feet to the left, we got this. So, we’re doing shots. We’re making out. It’s a very romantic night. (audience laughing) I’m glad some people laughed at that. I can tell I’m in a shitty city when that doesn’t get laughs at all. When people are like, that’s a very romantic night out. Dry humping and Jaeger shots, that’s how we did our 40th anniversary. So I finally said, “Hey, do you want to leave?” And she said, “I want to go back to your hotel,” and I said, “All right, then.” So, we go outside. The dude is standing right there, and I was like, oh, no. He goes, “Oh, there you guys are. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I said, “Ah, we’re gonna go back to my hotel.” And he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re just gonna her and then fly back to New York?” And I said, “Honestly, yes, that was the game plan.” (audience laughing) I was gonna pitch it quite differently. I was gonna say something romantic like, “Shall we make love before my expedition?” or something. I was gonna liven it up a little. He gets close to me, goes, “You want to fuck her, “you gotta fight me first.” And that’s the first time I noticed he was missing teeth, and I was like, oh, no. He’s been down this road before. And I’m not gonna fight him, because I’ve never had sex with anyone and been like that was better than teeth. (audience laughing) Never. After every one-night-stand, I’m like, man, it’s cool I can still eat apples after this. This is great, you know? I run down to the hotel lobby. I grab me a Macintosh. I go about my day. So I said, “Hey, I’m not gonna fight you,” and he said, “That’s what I thought pussy. “Come here, babe.” Doesn’t say a word to me. Just calls her over, she goes with him. They clearly have a weird arrangement of some sort. They start walking away. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..55850ec7b2f281d4efe541414961c146265d43ef --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +As they walk away, there’s a guy behind me in a white sweatshirt, matching white sweatpants, very underdressed for Cleveland in February, okay? He’s not quite sitting; he’s not quite standing. He’s almost perched, and as they walk away, he loudly says, “I wasn’t gonna let anything happen to you.” (audience laughing) “Uh, who are you?” (audience laughing) He walks over and he goes, “I police this part of town.” I said, “You’re a policeman?” He’s not. This man is obviously not with law enforcement of any kind. So, I asked, “You work for the bar?” He said, “No,” and I said, “Are you a vigilante of some sort?” (audience laughing) And he said, “Yeah.” (audience laughing) And he’s in white, so I said, “What’s your superhero name? “The Snowflake?” And he said, “I go by The White Knight.” (audience laughing) And I’m just drunk enough to be like, “Hell yeah.” (audience laughing) That’s all it took. I’m like, this guy’s legit. He’s got a name. So, we start chatting. I’m kind of baffled. I ask him, “You just wait outside and break up fights?” And he said, “I protect Downtown Cleveland.” I said, “Haven’t you been hurt?” He said, “I’ve been stabbed twice.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Dude, why do you do this?” He said, “Because I fucking love Cleveland, that’s why.” And it’s kind of touching, honestly. He’s crazy, but he’s loyal. They lost LeBron; they got this guy. It’s a horrible trade, don’t get me wrong. (audience laughing) But this is what loyalty looks like. It’s not always pretty, you know? So we start taking a walk. I’m taking a little stroll with The White Knight, and we pass the comedy club and my poster’s in the door. He said, “You’re a comedian?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “I could never do what you do.” And I said, “I could never do what you do, either. “It’s illegal and strange and quite alarming, to be frank. “There’s a real mutual admiration going on, you could say.” And we start chatting for a while about life and love. At one point, he asked me, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?” and I said, “Probably my life choices and my career,” and he said, “Me, too.” (audience laughing) And I said, “We’re not so different, you and I, “White Knight.” + +So, he walks me back to the hotel, and he said he’s coming to my show tomorrow night, and I said, “Great, so, I’ll see you then,” and we exchange information as you do with vigilantes, and… (audience laughing) I wake up the next morning, head pounding, and thinking did that even happen? But of course it did. You don’t daydream The White Knight. (audience laughing) First email I see just says subject heading White Knight, and I think it’s him. I don’t know that many White Knights. It said, “Sam, it was such a pleasure “to meet you last night. “Unfortunately, something came up, “and I’m unable to attend your show this evening. “Sincerely, your new friend and fan, The White Knight.” In parentheses, Joshua. That made me very happy. (audience laughing) Jews are very underrepresented as superheroes, you know? He’s our Black Panther, so… (audience cheering) I email back, it bounces back. I email him again, it bounce back, to the point that I’m like, this guy created a fake email account to contact me and then just disappear. It’s like in Batman when he’s talking to Commissioner Gordon and he turns away for a second and turns back and Batman’s gone, but you see the wind moving. He did that to me via email. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..eb9498528a388513cb8992d90101712537a05d45 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/SM_IGT_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +It was always in the back of my head. Years go by. I never hear from him, but I always thought about it, because I’ve had weird drunk nights, but this one’s particularly strange. So, it must have been six years later, I get an email out of the blue. Different email address, but it still says subject heading “White Knight,” and I thought, it’s probably him. (audience laughing) I don’t have a large White Knight Rolodex, so… All it said was, “Saw you on Conan. “Funny shit. “White Knight.” And I wrote back, “Hell yeah, dude. “You’re still out there White Knighting, “I’m still doing comedy. “We’re both still in the game.” And he wrote back, “Oh, no, “I’m no longer engage in White Knighting.” (audience laughing) “I now have a wife and a little boy “and we reside in the suburbs of Cleveland.” And I was like, this traitorous motherfucker. 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sha256:f90cb470d14e662f3331cc042d79e288c4cbab1163acb2f016c8b4348fa33191 +size 2454 diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8b6732d154ec011e743d2784a5c2b0f2d4b137c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +That was all I thought New York was before I came here. I just thought it was a city of people almost getting run over. Just everyone walking into the street, a taxi rolling up, slamming the hood, + +[New York accent] “I’m walking over here! What’s wrong with you? You want some coffee?” + +I don’t even know what that meant. All I knew was one day, I was gonna go to New York City. And I, too, was going to almost get run over by a car. I had a dream and I set out. And it’s a lot harder than it seems. In the movies, they make it look simple. They make it look like you run out, the car almost hits you, you do that thing– “Hey!” Slam the hood and then move on. But it’s not that easy. It’s all about timing. It’s all about timing. It’s all about being precise. You have to get out at the exact same time that the taxi is there, so it stops, so you can hit the hood. If you don’t have the guts and you come out too late, the car’s gone. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. You just look like a mad person now. You’re just like… + +[imitates engine revving] + +“Hey! I’m walking over here!” If you come out at the exact time as the car, then you just get run over. That’s just pointless. You know, it’s like, “Hey–” [thumping noises] “Hey, he was walking over here. What’s wrong with you?” The worst one is when you come out too early. Because that’s just awkward for everyone involved. Because you come out and then the car stops, but you can’t reach the hood. So it’s like, “Hey!” + +[imitates tires screeching] + +“Come here. No. Come closer, please. I want to tell you a secret. Come here. No, I’m from Africa. I have a dream. Please come closer. I just– I just want you– I’m walking over here.”  + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fd09a562108bb8bcf5e41d2ad9d022b5096bfd50 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You know what fascinates me about New York… is how much people trust the traffic lights. I have never seen anything like it. You must remember, I come from an African country. And all over Africa, we have traffic lights. But we don’t use them. All right? It’s less of a command and more of a suggestion. It’s not “Stop!” It’s “Stop?” It’s almost like an African traveled the world, saw that other people have traffic lights and then just brought them back, but didn’t know what they were for. The guy was like, “Guys, guys, guys. We need to get traffic lights. Ah?” People were like, “What for?” “It’s for the intersection. It adds atmosphere.” No one actually knew what it was about. We don’t care about the lights, and we don’t trust the lights. But in New York– I’ve never seen it– people trust that light with their lives. I was walking in the streets one day. I was walking next to this man. I’ll never forget this. We’re standing there on the sidewalk, and the light changes in our favor. And I looked to the side, and there was this truck that is barreling down the road. And I’m looking at the truck. And as soon as the light changes, the guy next to me, he steps out into the road. Instinctively, I stuck my hand out to protect him. I was like, “Yo, dude, there’s a truck.” And he was like, “It’s okay. We’ve got the light.” I said, “Yeah, and he has a truck. In a game of rock-paper-scissors, you lose.” But he was so confident. He was like, “We’ve got the light. Let’s go.” And he walked out. He didn’t just walk out. He stared that truck driver down as he was crossing. Just looking at him. Like, “I’ve got the light. You know I’ve got the light. You know I’ve got that light.” I was running behind him, all apologetic. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He– I’m sorry. I would have stopped– I’ve never done this before.” I walked with that man for 12 blocks. And let me tell you, I have never been imbued with the confidence of another human being the way I was with him. I started that day… thinking and pondering before stepping out. And after a few blocks with him, I started believing. And after eight blocks, it was the only way I knew how to live. I had my phone out. I was tweeting and texting. I didn’t play games. I’d be looking down, look up. The light would change, and I was out. I didn’t care if a truck or a train was coming towards me. I was out! Because I’ve come to realize, in America, if you got the white man on your side, you can do whatever you like. You just roll. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6e33fe85d6664782826f908a519c728a8ddc47e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I couldn’t have chosen a better time to come and live in the United States. Huh? What an exciting time. I’m surprised that, with everything that’s happened, it hasn’t all burned down. I’ve been coming to the United States, on and off, visiting for almost ten years. And… what was great about visiting on and off was I got to experience America in snapshots. You know, I would feel what the people were feeling. I would get an idea of what the populace was going through. And… I’ll never forget how every time I came to America… one of the biggest things I noticed was how black Americans were having a tough time. I remember the first time I came out. I was staying on the West Coast, and I met a young African American man in Compton. And we were hanging out at a comedy club. This guy, he looked over at me and he’s like, “Hey, yo, Trevor. You the dude from Africa, man?” I said, “Yeah, yeah. I’m one of them, yeah.” He’s like, “Yo, man. I can’t front, B. It’s an honor to meet you, man. Yo, I always wanted to meet a dude from Africa. You’re an OG, man. You’re an OG.” I was like, “Thank you.” He was like, “Yeah, man. You know how hard it is out here for a black man? Dude, I can’t front, man. You can’t get no jobs, man. The cops be on your ass all the time, man. I’m fittin’ to go to Africa myself, man. Yo, I’m gonna go to Africa with you, man. I’m going with you, B.” And I was like, “Yeah, you should buy the ticket, we can roll. Let’s go.” I connected with him that day. I felt something. Fast-forward, a few years later. I remember I met… a beautiful black woman. Down South, I was doing shows in Birmingham, Alabama. This woman came up to me after the show. She connected with me instantly. She was like, “Trevor, baby. Can I just tell you right now? I ain’t never met a stranger I felt so connected to. When you talk about Africa, when you say those things, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, oh, Lord, I wish I could go with you.’ Tell me all about the motherland, baby. I want to go to a place I can call my own. I want to go to a place where people don’t look at me like I don’t belong. Tell me all about Africa, baby. Tell me all about it.” And I could feel what she was saying. And I knew that people weren’t having a good time. And then you fast-forward… to 2016.  diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..60e886d3c58b188527c636599c99064a57d1106d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I’ll never forget that moment when Donald Trump… closed the lead, had a one-in-two chance of being President of the United States. And for the first time in my life, I had white Americans coming up to me, going, “So, Trevor, tell me about Africa. What’s going on out there? It’s, uh– [laughs] Sounds like a plan, am I right? What is it, motherland? Motherland, yeah. Yeah. I should come with you. Ali boma ye. Count me in, buddy.” And it’s not just America as well. It’s not just America. You know, a lot of Americans were shocked by that rhetoric, but if you expanded your view, you realized that the rise of nationalism is taking place all over the world. In Austria, in Australia. In England. That was what Brexit was all about. Right? They made it seem like it was about the economy, but it wasn’t. The truth was it was fundamentally people who wanted their country back. It never went anywhere. But they still wanted it back. I saw people on the news, talking to the BBC. + +[British accent] “That’s why I’m voting for Brexit, right? Because this bloody country is going to the dogs. Right? This bloody country. And I want Britain back. That’s why we voted for Brexit, because we want Britain back!” From who? From who? Britain is, like, 95% white. Who do you want it back from? People say the weirdest things, the craziest things. “These bloody immigrants come over here. They’re up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from.” -But why do you hate them so much? -“I’ll tell you why I hate them. Because they’re not even trying to be British. That’s why. They don’t even try to be British. They come here. They bring their own bloody culture. They bring their own food, spit their own bloody languages, try to take over the whole bloody place.” That sounds British to me. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d169e073c913841f9d79df32c726e198136806db --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +The British colonized with class. They went all over the globe. And colonization– we read it about it now, and it seems normal ’cause it’s in the history book. They colonize. When you think about colonization, it’s the strangest thing you can think about. ‘Cause conquering is one thing. You go to another country, you take what’s theirs. You want more– you take the land. You take the resources. You kill the people. That I understand. But colonization– I don’t condone. I understand. But colonization is strange, because you go there, and you don’t just take over. You then force the people to become you. That is such a strange concept when you think about where the British did it. I mean, they did it in Africa. You know, they did it in Asia. And think about in India. Those cultures could not be more diametrically opposed. And out of nowhere, the British just decided to roll up. Imagine what the Indians must have felt like on that day. Minding your own business. Walking through a field. Next thing you know, the British showed up on horseback. + +[imitates clopping hooves] + +[imitates bugle call] “Hear ye, hear ye! By order of Her Majesty the Queen, we have arrived! “You over there! What is the name of this land?” + +[Indian accent] “This land over here? This is called India.” “Well, my good man, I am here to tell you that India is now under the British Empire.” “And I’m glad that I can tell you that India is exactly where it was yesterday.” “No, no. I feel you’re not understanding what I’m saying. I’m letting you know that we are here to colonize you by order of the Queen.” “Who is the Queen?” “The Queen. The Queen of England, the Ruler of Great Britain. She who was ordained by God.” “Which god?” “God. The one true God.” “There are many gods, my friend. What is the name of your god?” “There is only one God. And his name is God, and you, too, shall worship him.” “You want me to worship a god, but you don’t want to tell me his name? What are you talking about? There are many gods. There is Shiva. There’s Lakshmi. There’s Hari Krishna. There are many gods! What is the name of your god?” “His name is God!” “You don’t know the name of your god?” “It’s just God!” “Is it like Mommy or Daddy? You want me to worship your god, but you don’t want to tell me his name? How am I going to pray to him? What do I do? Every morning, I wake up and I pray: ‘Oh, dear God, I was hoping that maybe, God, you could help me– No. Sorry, not you. Other god. No, no, other god. No, no. Wrong god. No, God. I was trying to talk– No, no. You’re right. I should have asked for your first name. No, God. No, other god, please. No, behind that god. No, not you today, God. Other god. Right. He told me you would know who I was talking to. No, other god, please. That god on the– No, no. That god, you–‘ Then I wonder why my prayers are not getting answered.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2f32d76b13d5c3e8e9b1f1c9fb1f09666f047a17 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Everyone is an immigrant in some way, you know. When you travel, you see this. I say that to people. I’ll go, “Travel the world.” If there’s one thing you will never waste your money on, it’s traveling. Travel the world. See another place. Discover a different point of view. Traveling is the antidote to ignorance, and that’s so true. It changes your mind, your perspective, how you believe, what you believe. And one of the greatest things you can do when you travel is traveling to a country where they don’t speak your language. That’s my favorite thing, going to a place where they don’t speak English, just to make you realize how insignificant you really are. You’re not the center of the universe. There’s another world that exists beyond you. I try and do that all the time. I try my utmost. + +I go to English-speaking countries, but I try every now and again to go to a country where they speak no English. Like, recently, I went to Scotland. Right? And– And again… I had an amazing time. The place was beautiful. It was a different culture. Rich in history. They have the rolling highlands of Scotland. They’ve got these castles, beautiful, perfectly preserved, hundreds of years old. In the streets, there’s the men playing the bagpipes, wearing the kilts. No black people. But not in a bad way. Not in a bad way. Just in a matter-of-fact way, you know? When I say there’s no black people in Scotland, I just mean there’s no black people. There’s a good way and a bad– The good way is when you get there, you’re like, “There’s no black people.” But some places you go, like, “There’s no black people.” And that’s– You know what I mean? That means some shit went down. You can feel it when you get there. Like Australia, there’s no aborigines. When you get there, you’re like, “Hey, Australia! Wait, where’s all the black people?” They’re like, [Australian accent] “Oh, I don’t know. They left.” You can feel something went wrong. Scotland doesn’t have that, you know? Scotland doesn’t have black people because they are further north. Further north, there were no black people. Not many black things further north. The further north you go, the whiter things become. There’s the people, Christmas, the bears. Everything changes. If you went to a Scottish person and said, “Excuse me, sir. Are you racist?” He’d be like, + +[Scottish accent] “I don’t know. I never tried.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2a667a8d809e547679b79f531271826bd237425e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I had so much fun in Scotland. I was in Glasgow for a week. I was driving around in the back of a car. Every single day, I would try and spot black people. It was a little game I played by myself. Every day, I would just be there, like, “Black person, black person… Ah! No. Statue. Black person, black person… Ah! No. Reflection. Black person, black person…” No black people anywhere. None. That’s why I say traveling is important. I’d never been to a place where there were no black people before. It actually made me realize that there had been an issue that I’d been grappling with for so long. And now, finally, I had another answer. And that issue… was that of James Bond. I’m a big fan of 007. License to kill. I loved it my whole life. Started with Pierce Brosnan. Then went back and watch Connery’s and Lazenby’s and everyone, all the way to Daniel Craig. And I love James Bond. And when I found out that Daniel Craig no longer wanted to be James Bond, I was heartbroken. Until I heard… that, at the top of the list, the potential replacement was a man by the name Idris Elba. [cheers and applause] And I lost my mind. I lost my– You can hear the ladies. They’re, like, “Yeah,” you know? And that’s what James Bond needs: a lady’s man and a man’s man, and Idris has that. He’s strong. He’s charming. He’s got that quiet thing. “Yeah, you know, Idris Elba. Oh, yeah. Idris Elba, you know?” You could just see him playing the dapper spy. And as soon as it was announced, everyone was excited, until the comments section of the Internet came in. “Idris Elba, James Bond.” And the comments section was like, “Uh, actually… Idris Elba could not play James Bond.” And we’re like, “Why?” They’re like, “Because… Hmm?” “‘Cause of the shape of his head? What are you saying?” “No, because…” -“Because what?” -“Because he’s black! James Bond cannot be played by a black man!” As soon as they said that, the Internet exploded. + +[imitates explosion] “Racism!” Immediately, that happened, I jumped in. I don’t even know what it’s about half of the time, I jump in. You say “racism,” and I wreck my site. I’m just like, “Racism! Aah! You guys will explain it later. Racism!” I was in there, like, “What the hell is going on?” They’re like, “James Bond cannot be played by Idris Elba because Idris Elba is black, and James Bond is white!” I was like, “Well, actually, James Bond is a fictional character, so he can be played by anyone, because it is fiction!” They were like, “When you think about it, James Bond was based on a real man, who was white, and so, he should be played by a real white man.” I said, “That doesn’t make sense. If you think about it, Jesus was technically a black man, but he gets played by a white man. So I don’t know what your point is, ’cause that never stopped me from receiving my blessings. I don’t know what you’re going on about.” They’re like, “You can’t have it!” I was like, “Racism!” “You can’t have it!” “Racism!”  diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3616b3aa451f0a78d55dc864ac03cb2536aaeb3b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +And then I went to Scotland. I realized that maybe, just maybe… I hadn’t given the argument enough thought. Because I love Idris Elba. I want him to play Bond. But if you think about it, James Bond often operates in places like Scotland and the UK and Europe. Because that’s where most supervillains choose to reside. I’m assuming it’s for tax purposes. No matter how you feel about the issue, you have to admit… it would be particularly difficult… to be a spy… when you are the only… black person in town. Your very existence defies your purpose. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying that would be the toughest James Bond movie that was ever made. Can you imagine that scene? Idris Elba, James Bond, planting the C-4, blowing up the bad guy’s lair, jumping on a bike, riding into the town square in Edinburgh. [imitates motorcycle engine] The bad guys right behind him. They pull out their guns, start shooting. [imitates machine gun fire] The chase is on. + +[humming James Bond theme music] + +Idris Elba, James Bond, jumps off the bike, runs into a crowded town square, the bad guys right behind him. He manages to shake them off, pops into a little alley, gets out on the other side, finds a crowded little marketplace, puts a scarf around his head, a fake beard, blends in with a group of monks walking by. The bad guys turn the corner. “There he is!” + +[humming James Bond theme music] + +James Bond manages to shake them off, gets into another group of areas, pops out on the other side, finds a transportation hub, gets into a bus, the bus goes one way, gets into a tram, the tram goes the other way. The bad guys turn the corner. “There he is!” [humming James Bond theme music] The movie would be ten minutes long. It would end with James Bond panting in an alley. [panting] “How did you find me?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c24a032859e61c0b0fd26e520cf47eb3dd72a14f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Scotland was so much fun. Every day I was there, I felt like I was learning something new. I did learn something that I wish to share with you, and I hope you’ll not suffer the same ills I did. If you do go to Scotland, and you are ever offered a drink… don’t. Because, you see, the Scottish, unlike us– We drink to enjoy. The Scottish drink to die. I used to think the Scottish had an accent. I’ve now learned that’s just centuries of people trying not to throw up. That’s all that is. [Scottish accent] “All right. What you do… [groaning] You laddies never had that drink– [groaning] [speaking gibberish in Scottish accent] I made that mistake myself. I was doing shows in Edinburgh. And after one of the shows, I left the venue and my friend Mick was waiting for me backstage. He was like, “How was your show?” “It was good, Mick. How was yours?” He’s like, “Not too bad. Me and the lads are going to the pub, grab a drink. You wanna join us?” I said, “No, I don’t really drink, Mick. I’m just gonna go home.” He’s like, “It’s not about drinking. We’re just gonna hang out, right? Just grab a wee, little drink.” And that’s where he got me. Scottish people do that so well. Just like, “A wee, little drink?” Makes it sound harmless, doesn’t it? “Oh, just a wee, little drink?” Sounds tiny. “Wee, little, drink. Yeah, wee, little.” Nothing sounds dangerous like that. Yeah, what happened in Nagasaki? “Oh, they dropped a wee nuclear bomb.” Doesn’t sound that bad. He was like, “A wee, little drink.” I was like, “Let’s have a wee, little drink.” So I joined him. We went drinking. I don’t remember. I do remember waking up the next day in my bed, partially dressed, shirt on the floor. Pants still on. Left shoe on. Right shoe on the pillow beside me. And my head pounding, pounding. You know when you can hear you heart beating inside your head? I get up and I’m like, “Oh, I feel horrible.” And as I stand up– As I stand up, I could feel– I could feel… the vomit coming. I could feel it. I could feel it, like… [whooshing sound] It did that thing. But I held it. I controlled that. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s I don’t throw up.  +Let’s just get that straight. I don’t throw up. I control myself. When I see people throwing up, I’m like, “You’re weak. Control yourself. You’re weak.”  diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ccad8df1911fbcc87fedd62057b242c4f1250a6a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Let’s just get that straight. I don’t throw up. I control myself. When I see people throwing up, I’m like, “You’re weak. Control yourself. You’re weak.”  +This is my body, my temple. I control it. The body tried. I was like, “No! No!” My body was like, “Come on, man. I gotta–” I was like, “No! No! Breathe!” [breathing deeply] Had it in check. Went to the kitchen, started to make some breakfast. And as I poured the milk into the cereal bowl, my body was like, “Hey, Trevor?” I was like, “What’s going on, buddy?” “Hey, do you mind if I burp?” “Of course I don’t mind if you burp. You burp all the time.” “Yeah, ’cause I’m gonna burp right now. Just a standard, everyday burp.” “I don’t know why you’re warning me. You never warn me usually when you burp. You just burp.” “I wanted to let you know it’s just a burp. Don’t worry.” I was like, “Okay, go ahead and burp.” “Okay, here it comes.” And my body was like… [imitates vomiting] But then, I caught it in my mouth. I caught it all in my mouth, though. + +Oh, yeah. Judge me! Judge me. The only reason you know the taste is because you’re alcoholics. You’re gonna judge me. We’ve all done that before. That’s the classy thing to do. Catch it in your mouth, so you can handle your business in the toilet. Caught it all in my mouth. I ran to the toilet. I threw up, and it was the worst feeling in the world. I don’t even drink. Throwing up is now an added reason to not– And, you know, when you’re throwing up… the worst part for me is the dry heaving. You know, when you’re done, everything is finished, but still– That’s when I know that humans aren’t as evolved as we think we are. Because your body and your brain, at that point, there’s nothing left. There’s nothing there, and still you– There’s nothing there. [imitates heaving] There’s nothing. And we’re all in that position– It’s not gracious. No one’s looking cool. Everyone is there. You’re just like… Everyone is in that same position. No one throws up in a cool fashion. No one’s there, like… [imitates heaving] No one. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d894a5036c946bf660ddaaf6fa40d54293584ece --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +No one throws up in a cool fashion. No one’s there, like… [imitates heaving] No one. + Every single one of us, we’re reduced… to a pile of pain. [groaning and coughing] It’s finished. It’s finished. It’s fini– [heaving and sobbing] Oh, it’s so sore. It’s so sore. There’s nothing there. Why don’t you realize that– [groaning] Oh, please. Oh, please. I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying. I don’t even know what– [groaning] And then blood came out. Yeah, not good. So, I panicked. I was like, “I’m bleeding internally. I need to get to the hospital.” Called my friend Mick. I was like, “Mick, where are you?” He’s like, “I’m home. What’s going on?” I said, “I need your help. I drank too much last night.” He’s like, “Yeah. And?” I said, “This morning, I threw up a lot.” He’s like, “Yeah, right. And?” I said, “And then, while I was throwing up, blood came out.” He’s like, “Yeah, right. And?” I said, “And that’s it, Mick. Blood came out of my mouth.” He said, “Oh, that’s too bad, Trevor. So, what are you gonna do now?” I said, “I’m gonna go to the hospital, Mick.” He’s like, “I don’t know if that’s necessary. Like, was it a lot of blood?” “Any blood is a lot of blood. What do you mean?” He’s like, “I know what you’re saying, but was it a lot, or was it a wee bit of blood?” Mick didn’t take me to the hospital. Instead, he decided to come over with some bananas and white bread. He forced me to eat that. And that night, I had another show. I was horrible. It was a bad show. And afterwards, I leave the venue. And who’s standing outside waiting for me? My good friend Mick. And he’s like, “Trevor, how was your show?” I said, “It was horrible, Mick, horrible. I thought I was gonna die.” He’s like, “Oh, that’s too bad. You wanna go talk about it over a pint?” I said, “What?” He’s like, “Let’s go grab a wee drink.” I said, “There’s no wee nothing here. There is no “wee” ever again.” He’s like, “What are you talking about?” I said, “Mick, I thought I was gonna die. I’m not gonna drink.” He’s like, “Don’t be like that. It’s just one bad day.” I was like, “Yeah, and I’d like to live to see another, Mick. I’m not going with you.” He’s, like, “Trevor, don’t be–” I’m like, “Don’t be like what?” He’s like, “Don’t be a pussy.” And that’s where he lost me. That is where he lost me. I understand what he was trying to do. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0a4f7682cacf2ecb761a5b9025e343ab9a4d4380 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +Scotland taught me so many things. Beautiful place, beautiful people, rich in culture. My favorite thing to do while I was there was trying to learn the Scottish accents. I butcher it, but I don’t care. I have fun. What I do when I travel is try to speak to people in their accents and see if they can catch me out. That’s one of my favorite games. I’d walk into a store in Edinburgh, and I’d just be like… + +[Scottish accent] “Good afternoon. I would like to buy a pair of shoes.” He’d be like, “Where are you from?” “I’m from Scotland.” “Aye, what part?” “Johannesburg.” I love it, though. I love the accents not just because they sound fun and it’s an interesting thing to do. I love accents because I’m always impressed by how much power they have over us, over our minds. When someone speaks a certain way, it changes how we feel about that person, for good and for bad. We do it all the time. You see people on the streets, they speak to you, you think of them a different way. You see world leaders. They speak a certain way, you think of them a different way. You know? Barack Obama, one of the greatest examples of that. Everything about Barack. Barack Obama was, by far, the coolest president that has ever existed. Just everything about the man, you know? That confidence, the smile, the swag. When you notice Barack– I would notice it in the small things, like when he’d step out of Air Force One. He did it like no other president in the world. Normally, presidents step out of their airplane in a frumpy manner. There’s no class or skill. They just, like, come out. But Barack… he wouldn’t step out. He’d emerge. He’d emerge like he was stepping out of the plane and into a music video. He’d do that thing where he’d come out… + +[cheers and applause] + +And then he’d go down the stairs, doing it the only way he could, you know? The way he descended, it looked like every time he hit the ground, he was just gonna go into verse one. Just straight into it, like… + +♪ Girl ♪ +♪ I wanna take you there ♪ +♪ Give you my Obamacare ♪ + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ba157bf15fa7452ea43126c9da12e28f4b2b9ad1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Nelson Mandela was destined for greatness because of that voice. He could not be a normal man with a voice like that. You can’t do normal things with that voice. You are destined for greatness. You can’t be running in the streets: “And a Kit Kat, please.” No. No. It’s so unique. You can’t be silly. What are you making, prank phone calls? “Who the hell is this?!” “I’m not telling you.” [laughs] It just doesn’t work. I remember when Nelson Mandela was still alive, and he would tell jokes at press conferences and events, and no one would laugh. Because everyone thought a man who had been in jail for 27 years couldn’t make a joke. And yet, he still did. He still kept what was him. It was partly because of that voice. He would tell the joke, and it would just sound too epic for people to laugh. Everything he did, he’d just be like, “Ah, knock, knock.” People would be like, “Let him in. Let him in!” “No. No, no. You must say, ‘Who’s there?'” “He is so right. We’ve always got to ask, ‘Who’s there?’ Who’s here? Who are we?’ Oh, my God!” It was because of that voice, the first black president voice \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6220c5d8bde4600914940172a78ca9436dbfc762 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +It’s crazy and frightening when you think about how just the way you speak can determine and change your path in life. We still do it today. It’s the reason half of the world has immigrant problems. It’s not really immigrant problems. It’s the fear of something different. When people say they don’t like immigrants, most of the time, they’re not referring to immigrants who look and sound like them. They’re talking about immigrants who speak differently, who look different. You know, ’cause an accent comes with a connotation. You think you know if someone is smart or stupid because of their accent. And yet, an accent is not a measure of intelligence. It’s just someone speaking your language with the rules of theirs. Accents have connotations. We cannot deny it. Look at the French. We all believe that the French are romantic. Why? Because of their accent. They’ve got that thing. + +[vocalizing with French inflection] + +[French accent] “I was thinking that maybe we could– how you say– afterwards, maybe we could try to…” + +[female voice] “Oh, my God, he’s so sexy. Oh, my God.” Accents determine how we see people. + +Same thing happens with the Russians. The Russians, the most feared people on the planet. Why? Because of how they speak. I don’t care who you are, you cannot deny that when a Russian speaks, you are not comfortable. As soon as they open their mouths: + +[Russian accent] “Yeah. Going to kill you, break you. I’ll destroy your family.” Even if they say nice things, it still sounds menacing and dangerous. “Yeah, fluffy rabbits and teddy bears. Happy Valentine’s Day.” Sounds like a threat. You don’t mess with Russians. I don’t care who you are, where you are, you do not mess with the Russians because of that accent. All of us in the world are afraid of the Russians. They do that thing when they speak. Strikes fear into the hearts of men. And you see it every single day. Look what happened at the Olympics. We found out the Russians have been doping for the last four or five Olympics. Olympic Committee banned them, confidently as well. While they were in Zurich. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a3a166c75dec3cc38a2cc52f1341424bb4469a81 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +You don’t mess with the Russians. Most frightening people in the world. You know how I know this? You know how I’ve learned? Because I’ve learned how to use the Russian accent for myself. I’ve learned how to harness that energy and use it for good. I’ll share this with you, I don’t mind. I, uh– I’m not particularly comfortable in the house at night by myself. What I’m trying to say is I’m afraid of the dark. And I know it’s stupid to be afraid of the dark, right? Because there’s nothing there, nine times out of ten. But what happens is, I’ll be sleeping. And in the middle of the night, I’ll be woken up by the need to pee. And whenever that happens, I’m always faced with the eternal dilemma. When I go to the bathroom, do I turn the lights on and lose my sleep? Or do I leave the lights off and shit myself? I never know which one to go with. But what I started doing now is I leave the lights off. And when I go the bathroom, I just speak to myself in a Russian accent. It sounds crazy, but I feel safe. I feel like I’m the most dangerous thing in the night. You’ll find me at three a.m., barefoot, walking to the toilet, like, “Yes. Big boy got to make a pee-pee. No trouble over here. It’s potty time.” + +I feel safe, like even if there’s a monster under the bed, he’d be like, “Is that a Russian?” There’s just something about that Russian accent. Ladies, every single one of you needs to learn the Russian accent. You read stories all the time. I talk to my female friends all the time, my family members, and women are constantly under assault. Women are living a life of being vulnerable. Walking through the streets, men catcalling. In the office place, people groping. Feeling like they have ownership of the female form. I know we can’t solve this tomorrow, but if you learn the Russian accent, half of those problems would disappear. The next time you’re in a compromising position, you’re at a bar, waiting for your drink. That creepy guy comes up and starts grinding on you from behind. “Hey, how are you? Hey, you want to dance?” “No, I’m fine, thank you. I’m just getting a drink. I don’t–” “Come on, dance with me, girl.” “I’m fine. I don’t wanna dance. Thank you. I’m waiting for my friends. I’m good.” “Come on. + +♪ I know you want me ♪ +♪ You know I want you ♪ + +Come on! +♪ I know you want me ♪” + +“I don’t want dance with you. Please!” “Hey, you don’t gotta be such a bitch!” Whenever that happens, ladies, don’t be afraid, don’t stress. Just whip out your Russian and kill it dead. As soon as he says, “Don’t be such a bitch!” Just be like… [Russian accent] “You want to see bitch?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..53ec3a757bc1cc328dbac5625e97a1a6cb60092e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Next time you’re in bed. You’re trying to sleep, but you can’t because there’s this horny little rabbit behind you… dry-humping your back. You know the nights I’m talking about. Everyone in this room knows the nights I’m talking about. Ladies, you’re dog-tired, you just want to fall asleep. And he’s there behind you. “Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby.” [tiredly] “What?” “Are you sleeping?” “Yeah, I’m trying. What do you want?” “I want you, baby. I’ve wanted you all night. Oh, I want you so bad. You look so good right now. In that nightgown and your curlers, girl. I just want you so bad right now.” “Oh, baby. Thank you for thinking I’m beautiful even though I’m in my curlers, but, please, can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m so tired. Baby, aren’t you tired?” “I’m never tired for you, girl. I want you right now.” “Oh, baby, please. Let’s do this tomorrow. Please, I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.” “It’s fine. You can sleep. I don’t mind.” “No, I’m not gonna–” \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f3a8b949feed1b02fb358da04b0b31b0ef9b0fb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Yo, for real, ladies, can I just say, men are creeps. On behalf of all men, I apologize, because we are disgusting creeps. Every single one of us. “No, I’m not gonna sleep. What’s wrong with you? What are you talking about?” “What do you mean? I want you, is that so bad?” “I’m just tired.” “You said when we left the show, ‘That was fun, we had a good time.’ Then we’re driving home. You were like, ‘I can’t wait to get you back.'” “I know I said that, and I did, I wanted to. But then I got into bed. I didn’t even realize how tired I was. Baby, please. I promise you I’m not–” “You do this to me all the time. What am I supposed to do now? Look at me. Do you know how hard it is to have blue balls, how painful this is? What am I supposed to do now with this?” I love how guys talk about an erection like it’s something bought at the store and we can’t return. Then he says, “What am I supposed to do with this? I’ve opened it. I can’t take it back. Huh? What am I supposed to do with this?” Whenever that happens, you aren’t fighting the man, you’re fighting his horniness. It’s gonna turn into a fight that’s gonna spoil your week, maybe your month. Don’t let it happen. Just get your Russian out and kill it dead. As soon as he starts losing it– “You’re doing this all the time. You reject me. I just want you.” And just be like, “Okay, okay. Show me what penis can do. Let’s go. Make action, lover boy.” Done. Problem solved. Even the penis will be like, “You know what, you’re right. I told him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I don’t know how we got to this point. Because what happened was he called me. ‘Come out, there’s a party.’ I came out. I was like, ‘You’re sleeping?’ He’s like, ‘I’ll wake her up.’ I was like, ‘Don’t wake her up.’ You know me. I don’t wake you. I’m here five times a night. I’ve never woken you. I don’t know why he woke you up. I’m gonna be chilling. I had some stuff to do. Go back to bed. Because I respect you. I have paperwork that I’m handling in my office. If you need me, you know where to find me. He shouldn’t have done that. I want to apologize, ’cause I don’t think you should be in a situation where a man is pressuring you.” [mumbling]  diff --git a/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cf38896ef5fd8b93336a2ed963eb7a6cca4330a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_AD_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ +All you need is that Russian accent. The most dangerous accent in the world. And yet… yet… strangely enough… I found the Russian language does not make me fear at all. Strangest discovery I made. The Russian accent… makes me fear. The Russian language does not. Because a language is something someone else speaks. An accent is me interpreting how they’re using mine. It’s a completely different thing. I was walking through the streets. There was a man on the phone, Russian guy, speaking to someone in English. Sounded like he was setting up a drug deal. Then he switched into Russian. The strangest thing happened in my brain. And he was like, “Vlad. The guys got to be there at three o’clock. Tell me when you get the package. Afterwards, I got to let you know– No, Vlad. No, listen. Vlad, Vlad. Vlad, nyet, nyet, Vlad.”  + +[speaking mock Russian] + + That was the weirdest thing in my head. In my head, he instantly went from international criminal to immigrant instantly. I wasn’t afraid anymore. It was the strangest thing. He was just a normal person in my mind, because Russian doesn’t frighten me. If anything, Russian just sounds like a DJ is scratching on a turntable. That’s all I hear when I hear Russian, like a DJ took a turntable. They’re scratching English like, “Vlad, the guys got to be there at three o’clock. You got to let me know when you get the package. Afterwards, the guy’s got to call me. Don’t worry about that. I’ll let you know. No, Vlad. Listen, Vlad. + +[imitating record playing backwards as mock Russian] + +[imitates record scratching] + +Russian. That’s all I’m hearing. + +New York, you guys have been amazing. 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0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ae01863b6f680c30e8f7e9f12480f60941010fa0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TN_SOP_audio_25.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:394fd971e46fbe05ec065bad22b214fbf802750ded9122d52fe85c2778323fb0 +size 1941 diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_01.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8154ea490f633e8fc491d30454940111705db2fa --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Thank you, Denver. That was amazing. [audience whooping] Thank you so much. I wish I was home right now. -Um… -[audience laughs] No offense. Not personal. That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room. I’m like, “Well, I wish I was home right now.” -Uh… [audience laughs] I think it’s your thought too. I think you’re like, “I hope this is good,” but also, “Wrap this shit up so I can go home.” [audience laughs] I actually think that’s the meaning of life. Like, people are always philosophizing, “What is the meaning of life?” I’ll tell you the meaning of life. The meaning of life is, “Fuck this place. Let’s go home.” Now… +[audience laughing and whistling]Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away from never leaving our homes again. -[audience laughs] -And I’m pretty fuckin’ excited about it. There… There are a lot of indicators if you’re paying attention. Like, number one, do you ever really process that you don’t have to leave your home to buy anything? You’re like, “Yeah, I order some things online.” No, no, no. You can sit on your couch, pull up your phone, and if you want to, just be like, “I want bananas. And I want hammers. And… [audience laughs] -I want an eagle’s beak.” -And then… -[audience laughs] Amazon’s like, [blows raspberry] “It’s on your fuckin’ doorstep.” How about that? [audience laughs] Isn’t that insane to you? You don’t have to leave your home to see people. You should. You don’t have to. Just hold up the same device and be like, “Hi.” [audience laughs] “Bye.” And you saw everyone. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_02.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..eef59d20d4351cfb4a2c6aa73579e3d4fa5f6dc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_02.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently. I was on… [audience cheering] That’s right. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth. -[audience laughs] -And… Yes. You may have seen him. His name is Brent Crystals. And…. [audience laughs] I beat him in this contest because I’m a better person, -but that’s not what I want to talk about. -[audience laughs] I lost about 50 pounds, and you know… Yeah. Maybe… Maybe you’re out there right now and you’re thinking, like, “Hey, man. If you can do that, I can do that.” Probably not. [audience laughs] I mean, look what I’m doing right now. Can you do this? I don’t fuckin’ think so. [audience laughs] I’m just an awesome guy. But… [audience cheering and clapping] You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did, you get… I get so many messages. People are like, “You inspired me.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t mean to.” [audience laughs] People ask me like, “Will you coach me into weight loss?” -And I’m like, “Absolutely not.” -[audience laughs] One guy hit me up like 50 times. “Give me a message to get this kick-started.” “I’ll give you a message. When you look in the mirror, do you say, ‘I fuckin’ hate you’? Then you’re not ready. [audience laughs] Cry more and eat less.” Send. -That’s my message. -[audience laughs] Hey, you asked me.Now… I’ll tell you, on a grand scale, who’s helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks. And this is true. They have a national training campaign to try to trick you into ordering food. And this is why. They know you’re going to order a beverage. So, they try to lead you into food. Pull into any Starbucks drive-through. And now they greet you, they say, “Welcome to Starbucks. What can we get started for you to eat today?” -And you’re like, “Wait, what? -[audience laughs] I just wanted coffee.” And they’re like, “No shit. [audience laughs] What else do you want?” [audience laughs] You’re like, “I don’t know, sausage? I mean, what do you have?” diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_03.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e7b996347c7f71cfa1682a6aff7eccf269e89bae --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You can’t say “retarded” anymore. [audience laughs] It was just here. Don’t you remember? -“Retarded.” That’s how I… -[audience laughs] People get very upset. I don’t really support the arguments against it. When people are like, “You shouldn’t say it.” “Why?” “What if there’s one over there?” And you’re like… [audience laughs] We never said it like that. We were never like, “Look at that guy!” [audience laughs] You didn’t say it like that. You said it to describe an idea, or a situation, you know? If your friend was like, “I’ll pick you up at your house, and then we’ll come back to my place, and later we can go back to your house. And we can get your bags. And then, we’ll come back over here after that.” And your like, “That’s retarded. Why the fuck would we do that?” [audience laughs] But now you can’t say that. Now you’ve gotta be like, “That’s not… smart. Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome, if you ask me.” [audience laughs] It’s not the same. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_04.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a5b4c2f16d9e96a78b9e4391ace8cac5b6830def --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +You can’t say, “That’s gay.” Damn. [audience laughs] I used to abuse that expression, I’m not gonna lie. And never for anything remotely sexual. I just would say it all the time. If you were like, “I’ll have a water, no ice.” I’d be like, “That’s gay.” You know? [audience laughs] “Why do you have so many balloons? That’s gay.” Shit like that. [audience laughs] Can’t say it anymore. Now, to be clear, you can say “that’s gay.” But it has to be for something overtly gay. Like it has to be ten guys standing in a line, each of them has their dick in the ass of the guy in front of them. And they’re marching and going, “I want the come. Give me the come. I want the come.” -And then you can go, “That’s gay.” -[audience laughs] And even then they’re like, “Take it easy.” And you’re like, “All right, jeez.”[audience laughs]You can’t say “midget.” Goddamn it. [audience laughs] I never thought we’d lose that one. [audience laughs] You can’t say it. People get very upset. I never said it to be cruel. And let’s be honest. It was perfectly acceptable for years. The best part about the word midget, before it became offensive, is that it’s specific. You know what someone’s talking about. That’s what was great about it. You could be like, “I was at the zoo today and I saw a midget.” And you’d be like, “Did they feed him to the lions? What happened next?” [audience laughs] But now, I can’t say that. Now, I gotta be like, “I saw a little person.” -And you’re like, “Was it a child, or…” -[audience laughs] Like, “No. Under 4’11” with the hands.” “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] Now you know what I’m saying.  + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_05.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3f85f0dbba116ef0e6e044d826b87acaed537621 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So… You might be sitting in your seat now, going, “Tom, what can we still say?[audience laughs]What can we say?” I’ll tell you what you can say. White racial slurs. [audience laughs] All of ’em. Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut, polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky. Have fun. [audience laughs] Say ’em all you want. And if you’re not white, and you’re going, “Wait, are you saying I can say those?” -That’s exactly what I’m saying. -[audience laughs] Nobody cares. Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, “Hey, you fuckin’ guinea.” [audience laughs] And he’ll go, [laughs] “I don’t care. [audience laughs] I don’t give a shit.” It’s not a historically disenfranchised group.The best slur of all, for me, I think, is honky. And I’ll tell you why. The word honky is hilarious… in and of itself. But for some reason, truly racist white people have latched onto that word. It’s like this great indicator to know if someone’s racist. If they act like that word is offensive, run, okay? [audience laughs] You don’t believe me, watch the news. Next time there’s some racial fight in the news, they’ll find some hillbilly. “What happened?” He’ll be like, “Well, he called me a honky.” [audience laughs] And they’re like, “Did you pass out from laughing hysterically, or what happened next?” He’s like, “No, I stabbed him.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit. That’s fuckin’ crazy.” I’ll pay you to call me a honky. I don’t care. It’s a great word. + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_06.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..787566be5e510beaf6f03035624d8615202aee66 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_06.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I saw a racial fight recently, which is terrible, but I watched it. [audience laughs] How are you not gonna watch? You’re gonna watch every fight, you know? Fights have that weird quality. Fights are kinda like hand jobs, in that you don’t really want one, but you’re like, “We’ll see where it goes.” You know? [audience laughs] “Will you give it a kiss? No? All right.” So, you know. [audience laughs] Had to take a shot. So… I’m in Philadelphia, walking through the park in the middle of the day. Beautiful day in Philly, beautiful park. I’m walking through this park. And as I’m walking through it, I see a white guy. And he yells across the park to a black guy, he calls him a n… [mumbles] -And… -[audience laughs] When you hear that and you’re in public, you’re like, “Oh, my God. [audience laughs] I’m gonna die.” That’s your first thought. And then, another black guy, I don’t know if he lived in the bushes, but… [audience laughs] He popped out of the bushes, like… [audience laughs] if this is a bush right here, I just saw a black guy go, “Mm-mm. No. [audience laughs] Not in my park. Uh-uh” But it’s like, no one else saw that guy. Only I was like, “Oh, my God! I see that guy!” Like that. [audience laughs] It became my own personal movie. I watched him line up like the honey badger. He was like, “That one? All right.” He fuckin’ sprinted across the park. And he tackled the white guy. So instinctively, I just went, “Get him!” [audience laughs] But it took me a second to realize, I’m the only other white guy in the park. [audience laughs] Yeah, so like, ten black people turned and I went, “No! [audience laughs] Him, him! Our him!” [audience laughs] And they were like, “What?” And I was like, “I’m out, that’s what.” [audience laughs] And then they killed that white guy.[audience laughs]And for the record, I don’t give a fuck if they did. You know why? There is no such thing as white-guy loyalty. Okay? [audience laughs] I mean, there is, but those guys are obvious as they hold torches. -But the rest of us… -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] The rest of us are not having that shit. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_07.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ba6f053923cff2a2baebc021db9de277d1aa0dd0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_07.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’m jealous of inner-racial loyalty. ‘Cause I see it. If you’re white, you see it with other races. Asians, black people for sure. What I’m talking about… There could be a dangerous situation. Let’s say it’s a fight, and there’s a black guy in that fight. And then another black guy, that doesn’t know him, will go, “I’m gonna involve myself. [audience laughs] Just on account of us being of the same race. At our core, we are brothers.” I see that, I’m like, “Wow.” ‘Cause when you’re white and you’re in that situation, you’re like, -“Fuck that guy. I don’t know that guy. -[audience laughs] Do whatever you want to him. I don’t give a shit.” Let you do something like that guy in the park, and then look at me like, “Are you gonna help out?” You should know something. You’re about to get murdered. Okay? [audience laughs] I will fuckin’ take pictures as you’re beaten, and upload them, #honky #deadhonky. Fuck you, cracker. I’m out of here.Now… [audience laughs] [audience clapping]  diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_08.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..086f9acb41c87a29b7c6b3b40cbbe710609a4eb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_08.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I’ll tell you, it is fantastic to be in the people’s republic of Denver. It is a great city and, uh… [audience cheering] Absolutely love it here. I think you’ve probably already taken it for granted, your lax weed laws. And you forget. You forget the struggle that we all went through at one time. [audience laughs] We’re all traumatized by it. I hope you acknowledge that. We our traumatized by our upbringing, okay? If you’re over four years old, you are traumatized by this nation’s laws. And this is what I mean. I bought weed last week. The same dude I buy it from all the time. It was a public place. The first thing I said to him when he gave it to me? I go, “I’m gonna go put it in my car.” And he goes, “Why?” [audience laughs] And I just, instinctively, I go, “Cause weed.” And he goes, “Tape it to your fuckin’ forehead. Who gives a shit?” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Oh, yeah, I forgot.”[audience laughs]But we, as a nation, we have been traumatized by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed. And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal, and so crazy for so many years, but also, highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all. [audience laughs] There’s a zero percent chance they will understand what we’re talking about. It’d be like trying to tell a kid now, like, “Hey, you know pigeons used to deliver messages to people.” They’d be like, “What the fuck are you saying right now?” It would be the same thing. I’ll sit my son down one day and be like, “You know when I was your age, to get weed, I almost died.” [audience laughs] And he’ll be like, “Why? Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?” [audience laughs] “They didn’t sell it at 7-Eleven. Daddy used to get in cars with strangers.” [audience laughs] “Where are we going?” “Chill out.” “All right.” [audience laughs] The three-hour round trips to buy weed. “What kind of weight were you moving?” Twenty dollars’ worth of marijuana. [audience laughs] That kind of major shit. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_09.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..820e091fec2623ce251f9f64f53678ca700a1d09 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I bought weed from a dude in a stand-alone trailer one time. Not a trailer park. A solo trailer. The most terrifying housing situation that exists. Where other trailer people are like, “Get the fuck out of here.” Kick ’em out. [audience laughs] I just walked up to that shit, 15. This dude’s like, “You trying to get a sack?” -I was like, “Oh, shit. Yeah.” -[audience laughs] “We could go do that.” I was like, “All right. Cool.” And he goes, “We just need to go get it.” I was like, “You don’t fuckin’ have it? [audience laughs] Isn’t that your sole responsibility?” I tried to play cool, “Let’s go get it.” He goes, “I’ll go get it. You stay here and watch my place.” And I was like… [audience laughs] “Okay.” [audience laughs] Then he goes, “There’s a .357 and a shotgun on my bed. Anybody comes in here, blast ’em.” [audience laughs] Inside? Paralysis. [audience laughs] But what I said was, “That’s what’s up.” -Like, yeah, man. Pow. -[audience laughs] [imitates explosion] [audience clapping] Then he stopped at the door. “But don’t shoot my mom.” I go, “Can we get a description before we agree to terms? [audience laughs] How about a height and weight on old mom?”[audience laughs] diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_10.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cdc5e73555e25e8037d15ae78a3ab5cbb6548eff --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Not everybody agrees on weed. That’s fine, I don’t care. Like my parents, we don’t agree… They are not cool with weed. I don’t care. They’re old. I still love them. [audience laughs] My dad’s a Vietnam vet, you know. Some of them are cool… [audience whooping] -[man] Yeah! -…with weed. Some of them are not. Some don’t want to talk about Vietnam. -My dad does. -[audience laughs] Some are like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And my dad’s like, “What do you want to know?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I wanted to know as a kid. It’s terrible to ask a stranger this, but this was my own father. And I’d seen a lot of movies. So, I’m like, “You were in the war. Did you kill anybody?” The first time I asked him, he goes, “No, I didn’t.” I go, “All right. Okay.” A few years later, I asked him again. “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “I was a lieutenant. I was in charge of people. It didn’t work like that.” I said, “Okay.”  A few years later, I asked again, “You ever kill anybody?” And he goes, “I threw grenades into bunkers.” [audience laughs] I go, “Were there people in there?” He goes, “There were, yeah. [audience laughs] Just little pieces by the time I got in there.” [audience laughs] Then last year, I go, “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy.”[audience laughs] + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_11.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c809edc9599839b4b0977134bffdf5f8715368e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I can remember the first time we ever talked about weed. Because it was Christmas Day. That’s why it stood out. I was 12 years old. I think my sister brought it up. She was like, “I want to smoke weed.” And my dad goes, “You want to know what I think of marijuana?” And I was genuinely curious. I go, “What, Dad?” He goes, “I was at a party one time. And somebody pulled out a marijuana cigarette. And I said, ‘I’m out of here.'” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Cool story, nerd. You got any other ones?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, yeah. One time, I was in Vietnam, and some Viet Cong tried to sell my marines marijuana. So, I found him, and I picked him up by his throat, and I threw him on the ground, and I put my M16 in his face. And I said, ‘If you ever come here again, I’ll fuckin’ kill you.'” And I go, “Do you have any stories in between those two stories?” [audience laughs] Jesus. It’s Christmas, bro. Goddamn.[audience laughs]Two years after that, there was a woodpecker fuckin’ up our house. [audience laughs] This will all make sense. And… [audience laughs] Woodpeckers can really damage your house. I remember my dad paid a guy $500 to patch up that part of the house. A month later, the woodpecker returned. This time, my dad did not call the guy. He woke me up, his teenage son, on a Saturday morning. Picture you’re dead asleep. And my dad, whispering in your ear, with his potent dad breath. [audience laughs] He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep, “I need you to shoot a bird.” [audience laughs] I just go, “I don’t do that.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Figure it out.” [audience laughs] So, I said, “Okay, Lieutenant.” And I got an air rifle. I shot the woodpecker. I remember, I shot it mid-peck, so it was going… [imitates woodpecker] [audience laughs] Landed in front of me. So much bigger up close. Really big. Red feathers, distinct features. I was blown away. I bagged it up, I threw it away.I went over to my girlfriend’s house, I started telling her family about it over lunch. I should mention, at the time, my girlfriend’s family ran a wildlife conservation center. So… [audience laughs] I didn’t know my audience. But… I heard a few forks drop, and I look up. And her dad goes, “Oh, my God. You killed a long-billed woodpecker. That’s an endangered species.” [audience murmurs] And I go, “Oh.” [audience laughs] I said, “My dad made me do it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “How does that make you feel, knowing that you did that?” And I said, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy. -It was fuckin’ awesome. -[audience laughs] I loved it. [audience cheering and clapping] Those birds are extinct now. I did that shit. I don’t give a fuck. I’m crazy.”So… [audience laughs]  + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_12.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..29b1c71c4d454c7c06c419a6cfde9c6461aaba49 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_12.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Oh, man. Don’t you hate everyone? -Um… -[audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I mean, obviously, I’m not talking about you guys. But, uh… [audience laughs] No, I’ve been on this tour for a long time. Too long. And I meet people sometimes after shows, you know. I meet people, and it’s always a roll of the dice. I’ve been meeting lunatics. I mean, I meet people. I met a guy after a show recently. I’m shaking people’s hands, saying hi. Guy comes up to me, he goes, uh… [mumbles] And I go, “What?” [audience laughs] And he goes… [mumbles] I said, “Where am I from originally?” And he goes… [mumbles] [audience laughs] I said, “I was born in Cincinnati, but I moved around a lot. [man] Yeah! And he goes, “Huh.” [mumbling] And I go, “Are you a person that’s talking to me right now?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Yeah.” [audience laughs] And then I decipher that what he’s saying is, [in Southern accent] “I’m from Lafayette, Louisiana, about 20 miles south of there. There’s a bunch of Seguras down there. I thought maybe you’re from there too.” And I go, “Oh. Fuckin’ no.” [audience laughs] [mumbling] And then I realized, we have this whole population of Cajun people living amongst us, like they’re one of us. [audience laughs] And they’re not. Why do they have rights? [audience laughs] This guy had the audacity to ask me, he goes… [mumbling] [audience laughs] I said, “Did you just ask me if there’s a Redbox around here?” [audience laughs] [mumbles] I go, “I don’t fuckin’ work here.” [audience laughs] Like, I thought he was moments away from being like, “I do declare. I am a cartoon character and I’ve come to life.”Here’s all I’m saying. I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because those people are out of their fuckin’ minds. [audience cheering and clapping] [mumbling] You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you. [audience laughs] What are we gonna miss out on? [in Southern accent] “Where you gonna get your shrimp?” -Oh. -[audience laughs] What a contribution. [audience laughs] [in Southern accent] “No more gator, no more shrimp.” [audience laughs] Fuckin’ inbreds. So… [audience laughs] Cracker-ass inbreds, [laughs] we don’t need you. [audience laughs]  diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_13.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b3c27c52c05ee2f644bd2ea1331c1ccdd0a0a912 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_13.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Probably checked in to 400 hotels this year. And when I tell you that this has happened to me more than half a dozen times, I am not exaggerating. Every hotel check-in begins, usually, the same. It’s standard. Hotels, you know, the people at the desk, they go, “Last name?” And this just happened to me. “Last name?” And I go, “Segura.” And the guy goes, “Whoa. Are you Japanese?” [audience laughs] And I go, “Hundred percent, yeah.” [audience laughs] He goes, “We don’t get a lot of Japanese people here. That’s pretty cool.” [audience laughs] So, I have to stop him, and go, “Hey, man. I’m not Japanese.” And he goes, [in gruff voice] “Segura. [audience laughs] Segura! Sounds Japanese.” I go, “That’s ’cause you’re saying it Japanese. [audience laughs] I could be Smith, and if you want to go [in gruff voice]  ‘Smith…’ -[audience laughs] -then it’s Japanese.” And he goes, “Well, what are you?” Which is fuckin’ rude. [audience laughs] Can I just say, it’s never important to ask that question. “What are you?” It’s never important to ask that. It’s sometimes important, but… -[audience laughs] -not a lot. When is it important? Sushi chef, accountant, 100-meter dash. -Outside of that…[audience laughs]Sometimes it matters, so… I tell ’em. I go, “Segura is Spanish.” And he goes, “That’s weird. You look white.” [audience laughs] And I go, “I am white.” And he goes, “But you’re Spanish?” And I go, “Correct.” He goes, “Do you speak Spanish?” I said, “Yes.” And he goes, “So, you’re Mexican.” [audience laughs] And I go, “No.” And he goes, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughs] I said, “What’s going on is you failed fuckin’ social studies. [audience laughs] And you’re not too good at geography either.” And then I see his head drop like he feels bad. “Look, man. You understand there’s white people in Mexico, you know that.” -And he goes, “No, I don’t.” -[audience laughs] I said, “There’s white people there, black people there, even Asian people there. And if you really want to shit your pants, those Asian people, -they speak Spanish too. -[audience laughs] You don’t expect it, but they’re like, ‘Dim sum…’ [speaking in Spanish] -They are… -[audience cheering] Asian, and they speak Spanish.” [imitates explosion] diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_14.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..dd15189d7f08ebb61fda75439bda67283bd10ada --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_14.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Now, as you can tell, I speak beautiful, perfect Spanish. And… It is to no credit of my own. My mother is Peruvian, and her English wasn’t good. So, she spoke to us in Spanish. And that’s how I picked up on Spanish. I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, “Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.” And I’m like, “I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why is this…?” They’re like, “It’s not supposed to come outta you, bro.” So, I get that reaction, or I get people who are like, “You speak Spanish? Yeah, I speak Spanish too.” I’m like, “No, you don’t.” They’re like, “No, I took four years in high school.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I played football for four years in high school, and the Broncos aren’t giving me a look this week. -So, no, you don’t.” -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] Your Spanish sucks. With a capital “M” for mierda.Now… [audience laughs] I grew up in a Spanish-speaking household, which means I listened to a lot of Spanish music. I only point that out… I think it’s important to point out, when you listen to Spanish music, it influences who you become, like all music would. For me, I used to listen to this singer named Juan Luis Guerra, a Dominican singer. And he would sing, just a lot of love songs. Songs with titles like “Si Tu Te Vas.” Which means, “If you were to leave me.” And the lyrics go: [speaking in Spanish] Which means, “If you leave me, my heart would die.” I’m ten years old and I’m like, “Oh, shit. [audience laughs] I don’t want that to happen.” So, I would balance it out. I would listen to a lot of Todd Shaw. And you might know him by his stage name Too Short. And he would sing songs… [audience laughs] like “Blow Job Betty.” And… [audience whooping] I would go back and forth between these two great songwriters, you know?[singing in Spanish] ♪ I bust a left nut, right nut In her jaw ♪ ♪ Sperm on her cheeks Is all ya saw ♪ And that’s how I go through life today. [audience cheering and clapping] Today, I’m basically like, “Hola…” [grunting] [audience laughs] Sorry, Mom. Now… \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_15.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..591647768e0f3b94170bf5015c7ac6df82def5bc --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +By the way, is there any more satisfying feeling than letting an elevator door close on somebody? I did it… [audience cheering] I did it at the hotel earlier. [laughs] I got such a warm rush through my body. It felt like the inside of my body hugged the outside of my body, you know? [audience laughs] I was trying to figure out, “Why does this feel so good?” I think it’s a taste of power. Like most of us, we have no power in our everyday lives. But if you’re alone in an elevator, -you are lord of the elevator shaft. -[audience laughs] You get to decide, like a king with his drawbridge. There’s “Hold Open,” and “Close.” And you can watch people walk up and be like, “Mm-mm.” -And you hit that. -[audience laughs] And then you see it close, and you’re like… [laughs] [audience laughs] Sometimes, a second later it opens, and you’re like, “Fuck!” [audience laughs] You get nervous energy, like you’re a kid. You’re like, “I’m in trouble.” [audience laughs] It’s always some lady who’s like, “You didn’t see me?” “I don’t even know how this thing works. So many buttons. I tried all of them.” + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_16.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ccd542c29b7878efec644ce085bfb384dfac25da --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_16.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was trying to figure out, like, where is power the most equal, you know? I think it’s a parking lot. Just hear me out. It doesn’t matter what you drive. If you drive something, that parking space is yours. And when you are ready to leave, and other people are looking for a place to park… -Oh. -[audience laughs] Don’t you love that moment? Like, you’re walking back to your car from the mall on a Saturday, and you’re done shopping, and see you people like, “Ah… [audience laughs] Where will I park?” [audience laughs] And then they see me. “Hey, are you…?” -I’ll be like, “I don’t know. -[audience laughs] Maybe.”I like to give them false hope. Do you ever do that? They’re waiting for the brake light. First, they have their blinker on, like that’s an official… “My blinker’s… That shit is mine.” “Okay. Are the US Marshals gonna back you up on this shit right now?” [audience laughs] But they want your brake lights to appear, ’cause that means you’re starting the car. So I’ll just hit my brake. And release it. [audience laughs] And you feel the tension rising. You’re like, “This is exciting.” [audience laughs] And then they snap, and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing?!” [audience laughs] And that’s when I go, “I’m eating In-N-Out. I’m… [audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I’m gonna have this burger now. It’s probably gonna take an hour, I don’t know.” Then, as soon as they drive by, “No, I’ll eat it later. I’m gonna take off. diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_17.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0f48d9faf9e4ca889ef1b6941c4e54e881b0814b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Yeah. I’m very philosophical, you guys. I feel like life is about timing, you know? Timing. When to pull out, when to… -[audience laughs] -stop wiping. When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? And I think the answer is never. Thankfully, one of my friends doesn’t think this way. It is my favorite thing that’s happened in my adult life, okay? One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati. He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay? Now… Yeah, I know. They’re tough. So… [audience laughs] He goes to their game, they lose, which isn’t weird. -And then… -[audience laughs] he decides he’s gonna wait in the tunnel, and ask players for autographs. Now, if you’re like me, you might be wondering, “Wait, are you friends with, like, an eight-year-old boy or something?” No, it’s a grown man. So… picture me in the tunnel of the stadium, -like, “Hi, guys. – [audience laughs] Keep your head up.” [audience laughs] “Can I have an autograph?” And he said they were all like, “No.” And some of them were like, “Fuck you.” Imagine your heroes being like, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] [Segura laughs] Oh, my God.And then, Adam “Pacman” Jones walked out of the locker room. Now, if you don’t follow football and you’re like, “I don’t know who that is,” well, how can I best describe him? Um… One time he went to a strip club, and a bunch of people got shot. [audience laughs] And then, that happened two more times. What’s up? [audience laughs] I’ll give you a sense of his vibe as, bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. He is not approachable. So… [audience laughs] my honky-ass friend… [laughs] [audience laughs] [man] Whoo! the biggest honky in America… [laughs] [audience laughs] goes, “Pacman! [audience laughs] Will you sign this football?” And he said Pacman went, “What?” Which to me would’ve been like, “So you don’t? All right, cool.” [audience laughs] My friend just decides to make it more clear. He’s like… “It’s a football. And you play it. [audience laughs] And I just watched you. Uh… [audience laughs] Will you sign this?” And he said Pac goes, “What the fuck did you say to me?” Which, now, I’m like, “Why are you still there?”  + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_18.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..510d18211774f7360acfbd6df446056c6f373d6c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I met, um… Like I said, I meet a lot of people. I met a woman after a show recently. They’re allowed at my shows. And… [audience laughs] See? They’re here. And, uh… [audience laughs] She came up to me and she was like… [giggles] [audience laughs] -It’s a very specific woman, all right? -[audience laughs] I do feel like I just did a .02-second impression. Everybody’s like, “I know who you’re talking about right now.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause every city has…. [giggles] [audience laughs] You know my favorite part of that woman? If you go, “Why are you laughing?” She’ll go, “I’m not.” [giggles] [audience laughs] Okay. So, she comes up to me and she goes, “Funny show.” [grunts] And I go, “Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” So, I go… [audience laughs] I go, “Thank you.” “Are you gonna go jerk off all over your hotel room now?” And I was like, “Ugh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I’m probably just gonna pick a spot, you know? I’m not gonna…” [audience laughs] She goes, “Yeah, I get it.” And I was like, “Good.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “I’m super horny.” And I go, “Okay.” She goes, “I’m horny the way guys are.” And I go, “No, you’re not.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “Yeah… I am.” [audience laughs] And I said, “You’re really not.” And she goes, “Yeah, why do you say that?” And I said, “Let me tell you a little story.[audience laughs] +When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this. I looked 47 years old.” [audience laughs] It was alarming to other students. [audience laughs] They would see me walking through the door, and they’d be like, “Are you a fuckin’ administrator here or something?” I’d be like, “I’m a freshman. I’m 18.” And they’re like, “You’re a narc, that’s what you are.” [audience laughs] This is my birth face, man. I’m 41 Jump Street. So… [audience laughs] With this face, came great responsibility. I bought alcohol for our entire dorm. I don’t mean three or… Everybody. It wasn’t even a challenge. I looked so old, that when I walked into liquor stores, they’d be like, “Hello, sir. How’s the stock market today?” Shit like that. [audience laughs] I bought booze. Everybody got booze.I did the same thing with pornography. Let me tell you, before you jump at me like, “Why would you do that? You could just watch it in your dorm room online.” Well, the story takes place in 1997, and… [audience laughs] there was a lot of buffering back then. That is the truth. [audience laughs] I don’t know if you remember the late ’90s or were even around, but porn in the late ’90s was like, “Ah. Hm.” [audience laughs] “Ah. Hm.” Who am I kidding? I use my right hand, so, “Ah. Hm.” Now… keep in mind, I’m not buying porn for a couple buddies. It is for an entire building of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college. You can’t wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were. [audience laughs] I would go door-to-door, and guys would hand me cash and their wish list. They’d be like, “I want black cocks, asses and feet. Don’t fuck it up.” -I was like, “All right.” -[audience laughs] Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like walking through a porn store with a grocery list, like… [audience laughs] “Mom said not to forget.” [fakes laughter] diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_19.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..141e8d4fd9e35fcf5a49c6514a600d7f9e76e407 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_19.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +So, one day, I am buying outrageous amounts of porn. And the owner of the store comes up to me. “You should go to this other store.” And I’m like, “That is a weird thing to tell your best customer, man.” [audience laughs] So I go, “Why?” And he just goes, “I just think you’ll like it.” And so I go, “Okay.” I go. He sends me to… I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a cement-block building with no sign or address. The kind of building that’s like, “I don’t know. You fuckin’ guess what’s in here.” [audience laughs] Well, I walk in, and I see a man wearing overalls and no T-shirt. Which, I think we all know, is the international uniform for the last guy you’ll ever see. Now… [audience laughs] this guy… is behind the counter. He looks up and sees me. And the first words out of his mouth are, “Piss fetish?” -And I go, “What? -[audience laughs] No.” And he goes, “Oh, I got a full bladder. Don’t want to waste it.” And I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughs] I said, “Is that what you do around here?” And he goes, “Among other things.” [audience laughs] I said, “Well, then, show me around. -Let me see what else you have.” You know? -[audience laughs] I don’t want to be closed-minded.So we go through the store. He shows me movies and toys. He goes, “We got a booth. You can put in a quarter.” And I go, “Yeah, I got it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “But this here’s our VIP. And you’ll notice, there’s a hole in the wall. And if you’re standing in there, someone might stick their finger through that hole. And they’ll go just… like… this. And if you want to, you stick your prick in that hole, and [clicks tongue] someone will suck it on the other side. [audience laughs] And my dumb ass goes, “Is it a guy or a girl?” [audience laughs] He goes, “You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?” [audience laughs] So then I felt a pool of diarrhea forming inside of me. And fear shooting down my spine. As I was certain I was gonna get kidnapped and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty. So I said… [audience laughs] “I”ll just take my movies. Thanks.”So lady, when you say you’re horny “the way guys are,” I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what savages men are. [audience cheering and clapping] And she goes, “Yeah. I’m not that horny.” And I go, “I know.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_20.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c11b85a7fdd65891ecf1a25bc9c17956e517bc92 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_20.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +See, I just feel a responsibility to remind women of what pigs men are. If you’re a woman here with a man right now, you should know he is two drinks away from walking to that booth. -And honestly… -[audience laughs] I’m no better. If he had answered my question differently… “Is that a guy or a girl?” He went, “I don’t know.” I’d be like, “I don’t fuckin’ know either, so…” [audience laughs] “She’s got a rough chin on her, for sure. Where’d you go, man? I don’t see you anywhere.” All right. I lost some of you on that one. That’s how that goes. -So… -[audience laughs] I see.Some women are like, “Mm-mm. [audience laughs] My man would never do that.” Okay. Sure. [audience laughs] You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited “pig-tential.” [audience laughs] Just needs a little nudge from you, coach. How about that? [audience laughs] Doesn’t go both ways. Isn’t that fascinating? If you’re a guy, you can’t be like, “I want you to eat it from behind.” She’ll be like, “The fuck did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] But a woman can go, “I want you to eat it from behind.” And we’re like… [mumbles] -[audience laughs] “I’m gonna take some home in a doggie bag.” [barking] diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_21.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7e58cb5d82826f50f0b594982bfdad5af39708a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +I’m getting older. I know. We all are. But I am. I feel like I’m getting old. And I know you guys are looking up, you’re like, “What? You’re perfect.” But that’s on the outside, you know? [audience laughs] You know what the biggest kick in the balls is? Is when your vision starts to decline. Especially if you’ve had perfect vision. I’ve never even thought about it. I’ve had excellent vision. I’ve had vision that’s off the charts. Like, if I’m hanging out with friends, and there’s a sign ten blocks away, I can see it. “How do you see that?” “Jesus loves me. I see it. I can see it right now.” [audience laughs] And now I have, like, the squint of death. Or I look at shit like that. People are like, “You all right?” “Yeah. I’m just looking at shit. Don’t you ever look at shit?”[audience laughs]And it’s tough to accept. I’ve been in denial. You know where you can’t be in denial anymore? The DMV. I went to renew my license. And when you go, you sign and you pay. Very casually, the lady goes, “Can you read line three?” And I was still arrogant about it. I was like, “Pfft. Check this shit out. [audience laughs] A, X, G, L, seven.” She goes, “Seven?” [audience laughs] I go, “What the fuck is that? [audience laughs] I don’t think I’ve ever seen that symbol before in my entire life.” And she goes, “That’s a T.” So, I went… [chuckles] [audience laughs] “Pretty close.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “Yeah, you’re right. That’s pretty close.” [audience laughs] It’s the Los Angeles DMV, so… I leave. +I’m in a panic. I go straight to my doctor. I go to the same abusive asshole doctor I’ve been seeing for over a decade. [audience cheering and clapping] I walk into his office. I go, “Dude, test my vision.” And he goes, “You should get a prostate exam.” [audience laughs] I’m like, “For my eyes?” And he goes, “You should do it.” “I’m not even 40.” He goes, “Try it.” -I’m like, “Try it? -[audience laughs] Like a sorbet? Just see if I’m into this flavor?” And he was like, “Yeah.” And I go, “All right, you’re my doctor. So, okay.” So, I’m naked. I’m in the fetal position. He lubes up. It is a ton of lube. I didn’t know that. I was like, “That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock… It’s my finger,” like that. [audience laughs] It’s moderately funny. But if someone’s finger is going in your ass, as they say that, you’re laughing. I promise you, you’re laughing. [audience laughs] Just out of appreciation, you know. You’re like, “You said cock.” [laughs][audience laughs]That’s crazy. And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. He goes, “You feel all right.” I go, “Okay.” Then he goes, “Hey, if you want a second opinion, -I could put another finger in there.” -[audience laughs] So, I go… [laughs] “Get it out.” [audience laughs] He goes, “Well, stop laughing. Every time you laugh, you’re clamping on me. I can’t get my finger out until you stop laughing.” And I go, “Get it the fuck out. Now.” [audience laughs] Then I sit up. I go, “Did you just give me a prostate exam so you could run those two lame-ass jokes by me?” [audience laughs] -And he goes, “Yes, I did.” -[audience laughs] And I said, “It was really funny, actually.” diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_22.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5da32d5e9f482c9a3454af1e60b68145f706c12e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Then he tested my vision. He washed his hands, he tested my vision. [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re right. You have latent farsightedness.” I go, “What does that mean?” This is his quote. “Your vision’s always sucked. You just didn’t know it.” [audience laughs] I go, “Do you care to explain more?” He goes, “Think of it like this. Your eyes have been fighting to make you think you can see well. And now they’re tired. [audience laughs] That’s why you’re here.” I go, “Dude, that’s like me saying, ‘I’m young, uh, and my skin got tired. Now I’m old.'” [audience laughs] He goes, “That’s an interesting way of putting it.” I go, “No, it isn’t. [audience laughs] I’m just old and blind.” “Don’t forget you’re balding.” And I go, “I know. [audience laughs] I used to have hair, but they got tired, then they fell out.” And he goes, “Now, you’re getting it.” I’m like, “Dude. [audience laughs] How do you get paid to do this?” +And I get why you laugh at my physical flaws. Physical flaws are funny. They just are. Disabilities are not. But some are. [audience laughs] Most aren’t. We know those ones, you know? Like, if there’s a 10K or a quilt. That’s pretty bad, but… [audience laughs] The rest are up for debate. [audience laughs] + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_23.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fd4179ed69b9c30006a102f1b1936290b38187c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +If you’re sitting here and you’re like, “Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?” Well, luckily for you, I have three examples.First… foreign accent syndrome. Some of you know about it, some of you don’t. It’s real. You can look it up on your way out of here. Some people experience head trauma. Not funny. But they wake up speaking their native language with a foreign accent. Very funny. [audience laughs] I defy you to watch interviews with these people and not piss yourself laughing. [audience laughs] Do you understand? Like, a farmer in Alabama who’s normally like… [mumbling] -That guy… -[audience laughs] hits his head and is now like, “Eh, the tractor trailer, it, eh… It fell.” That’s not funny to you, you piece of shit? Really? +[audience laughs]The best case ever of foreign accent syndrome happened in the UK. Not only was it a British woman who lived her entire life in the UK, she’d never left the town she was born in for 33 years. She was in an accident, and she woke up speaking English, but with a Chinese foreign accent. [audience laughs] Did you hear what I just fuckin’ said? [audience laughs] Do you now believe in God and his awesome sense of humor? [audience laughs] A British lady, who, her whole life, was like, [in British accent] “Hello. It’s a bit of a whiffle, isn’t it? – Like that. – [audience laughs] Now says, [in Chinese accent] “I have not had my conversation, -and it’s over three year now.” – [audience laughs] First, do you know how hard it is to do that impression without squinting? Secondly… [audience laughs] if you’re getting uncomfortable, like, “Whoa. He’s mocking an Asian accent?” No. She’s white. This is fine. -A white… -[audience laughs] British lady just happens to say, [in Chinese accent] “Would you like… a cup of tea? [audience laughs] Taste good? [audience laughs] You want milk? You want biscuit? Oh, good. You want me suck the dick now?” -I don’t know, whatever. -[audience laughs] She’s a nice British lady. She can say whatever she wants. If you’re sitting in your seat right now and you’re like… [grunting] “I don’t think it’s funny.” Well, don’t get your tits in a tussle. I got two more for you. So… + diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_24.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..db51ed615594036db574783e0a5a032e0d85f595 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_24.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +What about persistent genital arousal disorder? [audience laughs] That is a fancy way of saying, “Never not coming.” These are people that have orgasms every 90 seconds. And they can’t have jobs. Why can’t they have jobs, Tom? ‘Cause they’re coming all the time. [audience laughs] It’s not appropriate for you to be like, “Can I try on this shirt?” And the guy’s like… [grunts] [audience laughs] “Fuck your shirt. I’m gonna wear my old shit. I’m not wearing your fuckin’ shirt.” Can you imagine? You’re like, “We’re out of orange juice.” Or… -[audience laughs] -Oh. “Just bring water, that’s too much sugar. I don’t want any more of that.” Some people suffer from both of those afflictions. It’s rare, but it happens. Can you imagine that? You walk up to somebody like, “I’m sorry to hear about your dad passing away.” And he’s like… [audience laughs] “That feels good.” [audience laughs] I made that one up. That’s not true, but… [audience laughs] diff --git a/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_25.txt b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..90d49ac5e5395bdf66ec43b8938f0f282bcd5898 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/funny_text/TS_D_text_25.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I know. Some of you guys are like, “Jesus, he’s a real jerk.” I’m not that bad. I’m not. I’m a new dad. How about that? I, uh… Yeah. [audience cheering and clapping] Yeah. It’s the best. It’s awesome. Guys always hit me up. I don’t know why they trust me. “Should I do it?” And I’m like, “Of course you should do it. It’s the best. It’s awesome. They’re amazing. And also, being a dad is easy, man. Super easy. It’s way easier than being a mom.” [audience laughs] Here’s all you gotta do if you want to be a great dad, seriously. Don’t abandon your kid. That’s it. That’s all you gotta do.[audience laughs]No, I do believe being a mother is inherently harder, especially at the beginning. And that’s why I don’t like when I hear men complain about it. I have friends that are like, “My kid cries a lot.” And I’m like, “Yeah, ’cause you’re his dad. That’s why he cries a lot. If I saw your face first thing in the morning, I’d bawl my fuckin’ eyes out too, so…” What do you mean, “He cries”? He can’t talk, you dumb-shit. “Ah” means something. Figure it the fuck out. That’s why they make them so cute. Did you know that? [audience laughs] It’s so you don’t strangle them. [audience laughs] My son is so fuckin’ cute. He’s not Asian-baby cute, but he’s right below that, you know? [audience laughs] Asian babies are cuter than bunnies and puppies combined. I would throw away 20 white babies to have an Asian baby. [audience laughs] But thankfully, the exchange rate is better than that, so… [audience laughs] Five? 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b/data/unfunny_audio_mp3/TedPol19.mp3 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +version https://git-lfs.github.com/spec/v1 +oid sha256:6edb347e456a4739bbb66bb4ae6bd71be37c447233c048394c3f9e8e98beb1bb +size 4181908 diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC01.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2213bbab093d1c8e7a0f83abb8665b6c4979da33 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +So look, just six months ago it seems a lifetime ago, but it really was just six months ago -- climate seemed to be on the lips of every thinking person on the planet. Recent events seem to have swept it all away from our attention. How worried are you about that? +Well, first of all Chris, thank you so much for inviting me to have this conversation. People are reacting differently to the climate crisis in the midst of these other great challenges that have taken over our awareness, appropriately. One reason is something that you mentioned. People get the fact that when scientists are warning us in ever more dire terms and setting their hair on fire, so to speak, it's best to listen to what they're saying, and I think that lesson has begun to sink in in a new way. Another similarity, by the way, is that the climate crisis, like the COVID-19 pandemic, has revealed in a new way the shocking injustices and inequalities and disparities that affect communities of color and low-income communities. +There are differences. The climate crisis has effects that are not measured in years, as the pandemic is, but consequences that are measured in centuries and even longer. And the other difference is that instead of depressing economic activity to deal with the climate crisis, as nations around the world have had to do with COVID-19, we have the opportunity to create tens of millions of new jobs. That sounds like a political phrasing, but it's literally true. For the last five years, the fastest-growing job in the US has been solar installer. The second-fastest has been wind turbine technician. And the "Oxford Review of Economics," just a few weeks ago, pointed the way to a very jobs-rich recovery if we emphasize renewable energy and sustainability technology. So I think we are crossing a tipping point, and you need only look at the recovery plans that are being presented in nations around the world to see that they're very much focused on a green recovery. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC02.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..09155fefbed1f09f630af6e1255e962736bdb399 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +I mean, one obvious impact of the pandemic is that it's brought the world's economy to a shuddering halt, thereby reducing greenhouse gas emissions. I mean, how big an effect has that been, and is it unambiguously good news? +Well, it's a little bit of an illusion, Chris, and you need only look back to the Great Recession in 2008 and '09, when there was a one percent decline in emissions, but then in 2010, they came roaring back during the recovery with a four percent increase. The latest estimates are that emissions will go down by at least five percent during this induced coma, as the economist Paul Krugman perceptively described it, but whether it goes back the way it did after the Great Recession is in part up to us, and if these green recovery plans are actually implemented, and I know many countries are determined to implement them, then we need not repeat that pattern. After all, this whole process is occurring during a period when the cost of renewable energy and electric vehicles, batteries and a range of other sustainability approaches are continuing to fall in price, and they're becoming much more competitive. +Just a quick reference to how fast this is: five years ago, electricity from solar and wind was cheaper than electricity from fossil fuels in only one percent of the world. This year, it's cheaper in two-thirds of the world, and five years from now, it will be cheaper in virtually 100 percent of the world. EVs will be cost-competitive within two years, and then will continue falling in price. And so there are changes underway that could interrupt the pattern we saw after the Great Recession. +The reason those pricing differentials happen in different parts of the world is obviously because there's different amounts of sunshine and wind there and different building costs and so forth. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC03.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2376471228f49c527e6eaaab4cb5645461aa5e54 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Well, yes, and government policies also account for a lot. The world is continuing to subsidize fossil fuels at a ridiculous amount, more so in many developing countries than in the US and developed countries, but it's subsidized here as well. But everywhere in the world, wind and solar will be cheaper as a source of electricity than fossil fuels, within a few years. +I think I've heard it said that the fall in emissions caused by the pandemic isn't that much more than, actually, the fall that we will need every single year if we're to meet emissions targets. Is that true, and, if so, doesn't that seem impossibly daunting? +It does seem daunting, but first look at the number. That number came from a study a little over a year ago released by the IPCC as to what it would take to keep the Earth's temperatures from increasing more than 1.5 degrees Celsius. And yes, the annual reductions would be significant, on the order of what we've seen with the pandemic. And yes, that does seem daunting. However, we do have the opportunity to make some fairly dramatic changes, and the plan is not a mystery. You start with the two sectors that are closest to an effective transition -- electricity generation, as I mentioned -- and last year, 2019, if you look at all of the new electricity generation built all around the world, 72 percent of it was from solar and wind. And already, without the continuing subsidies for fossil fuels, we would see many more of these plants being shut down. There are some new fossil plants being built, but many more are being shut down. +And where transportation is concerned, the second sector ready to go, in addition to the cheaper prices for EVs that I made reference to before, there are some 45 jurisdictions around the world national, regional and municipal where laws have been passed beginning a phaseout of internal combustion engines. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC04.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6d6d8c9db23cf2772c9e0e3b8ebb5d897bb35cc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +Even India said that by 2030, less than 10 years from now, it will be illegal to sell any new internal combustion engines in India. There are many other examples. +So the past small reductions may not be an accurate guide to the kind we can achieve with serious national plans and a focused global effort. +So help us understand just the big picture here, Al. I think before the pandemic, the world was emitting about 55 gigatons of what they call "CO2 equivalent," so that includes other greenhouse gases like methane dialed up to be the equivalent of CO2. And am I right in saying that the IPCC, which is the global organization of scientists, is recommending that the only way to fix this crisis is to get that number from 55 to zero by 2050 at the very latest, and that even then, there's a chance that we will end up with temperature rises more like two degrees Celsius rather than 1.5? I mean, is that approximately the big picture of what the IPCC is recommending? +That's correct. The global goal established in the Paris Conference is to get to net zero on a global basis by 2050, and many people quickly add that that really means a 45 to 50 percent reduction by 2030 to make that pathway to net zero feasible. +And that kind of timeline is the kind of timeline where people couldn't even imagine it. It's just hard to think of policy over 30 years. So that's actually a very good shorthand, that humanity's task is to cut emissions in half by 2030, approximately speaking, which I think boils down to about a seven or eight percent reduction a year, something like that, if I'm not wrong. +Not quite. Not quite that large but close, yes. +So it is something like the effect that we've experienced this year may be necessary. This year, we've done it by basically shutting down the economy. You're talking about a way of doing it over the coming years that actually gives some economic growth and new jobs. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC05.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..05bb8b8aedac0a204d2c694155eccc4bb88af8ca --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +So talk more about that. You've referred to changing our energy sources, changing how we transport. If we did those things, how much of the problem does that solve? +Well, we can get to well, in addition to doing the two sectors that I mentioned, we also have to deal with manufacturing and all the use cases that require temperatures of a thousand degrees Celsius, and there are solutions there as well. I'll come back and mention an exciting one that Germany has just embarked upon. We also have to tackle regenerative agriculture. There is the opportunity to sequester a great deal of carbon in topsoils around the world by changing the agricultural techniques. There is a farmer-led movement to do that. We need to also retrofit buildings. We need to change our management of forests and the ocean. +But let me just mention two things briefly. First of all, the high temperature use cases. Angela Merkel, just 10 days ago, with the leadership of her minister Peter Altmaier, who is a good friend and a great public servant, have just embarked on a green hydrogen strategy to make hydrogen with zero marginal cost renewable energy. And just a word on that. You've heard about the intermittency of wind and solar solar doesn't produce electricity when the sun's not shining, and wind doesn't when the wind's not blowing but batteries are getting better, and these technologies are becoming much more efficient and powerful, so that for an increasing number of hours of each day, they're producing often way more electricity than can be used. So what to do with it? The marginal cost for the next kilowatt-hour is zero. So all of a sudden, the very energy-intensive process of cracking hydrogen from water becomes economically feasible, and it can be substituted for coal and gas, and that's already being done. There's a Swedish company already making steel with green hydrogen, and, as I say, Germany has just embarked on a major new initiative to do that. I think they're pointing the way for the rest of the world. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC06.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bf9dc814279d328319fa90446f29322f23a86435 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Now, where building retrofits are concerned, just a moment on this, because about 20 to 25 percent of the global warming pollution in the world and in the US comes from inefficient buildings that were constructed by companies and individuals who were trying to be competitive in the marketplace and keep their margins acceptably high and thereby skimping on insulation and the right windows and LEDs and the rest. And yet the person or company that buys that building or leases that building, they want their monthly utility bills much lower. So there are now ways to close that so-called agent-principal divide, the differing incentives for the builder and occupier, and we can retrofit buildings with a program that literally pays for itself over three to five years, and we could put tens of millions of people to work in jobs that by definition cannot be outsourced because they exist in every single community. And we really ought to get serious about doing this, because we're going to need all those jobs to get sustainable prosperity in the aftermath of this pandemic. +Just going back to the hydrogen economy that you referred to there, when some people hear that, they think, "Oh, are you talking about hydrogen-fueled cars?" And they've heard that that probably won't be a winning strategy. But you're thinking much more broadly than that, I think, that it's not just hydrogen as a kind of storage mechanism to act as a buffer for renewable energy, but also hydrogen could be essential for some of the other processes in the economy like making steel, making cement, that are fundamentally carbon-intensive processes right now but could be transformed if we had much cheaper sources of hydrogen. Is that right? +Yes, I was always skeptical about hydrogen, Chris, principally because it's been so expensive to make it, to "crack it out of water," as they say. But the game-changer has been the incredible abundance of solar and wind electricity in volumes and amounts that people didn't expect, and all of a sudden, it's cheap enough to use for these very energy-intensive processes like creating green hydrogen. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC07.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..14854fb8f79841946903df6c633578f3992fb6dd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I'm still a bit skeptical about using it in vehicles. Toyota's been betting on that for 25 years and it hasn't really worked for them. Never say never, maybe it will, but I think it's most useful for these high-temperature industrial processes, and we already have a pathway for decarbonizing transportation with electricity that's working extremely well. Tesla's going to be soon the most valuable automobile company in the world, already in the US, and they're about to overtake Toyota. There is now a semitruck company that's been stood up by Tesla and another that is going to be a hybrid with electricity and green hydrogen, so we'll see whether or not they can make it work in that application. But I think electricity is preferable for cars and trucks. +We're coming to some community questions in a minute. Let me ask you, though, about nuclear. Some environmentalists believe that nuclear, or maybe new generation nuclear power is an essential part of the equation if we're to get to a truly clean future, a clean energy future. Are you still pretty skeptical on nuclear, Al? +Well, the market's skeptical about it, Chris. It's been a crushing disappointment for me and for so many. I used to represent Oak Ridge, where nuclear energy began, and when I was a young congressman, I was a booster. I was very enthusiastic about it. But the cost overruns and the problems in building these plants have become so severe that utilities just don't have an appetite for them. It's become the most expensive source of electricity. Now, let me hasten to add that there are some older nuclear reactors that have more useful time that could be added onto their lifetimes. And like a lot of environmentalists, I've come to the view that if they can be determined to be safe, they should be allowed to continue operating for a time. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC08.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..953a33dbd2c866499b3deb462b93a50eec4f8a30 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +But where new nuclear power plants are concerned, here's a way to look at it. If you are -- you've been a CEO, Chris. If you were the CEO of -- I guess you still are. If you were the CEO of an electric utility, and you told your executive team, "I want to build a nuclear power plant," two of the first questions you would ask are, number one: How much will it cost? And there's not a single engineering consulting firm that I've been able to find anywhere in the world that will put their name on an opinion giving you a cost estimate. They just don't know. A second question you would ask is: How long will it take to build it, so we can start selling the electricity? And again, the answer you will get is, "We have no idea." So if you don't know how much it's going to cost, and you don't know when it's going to be finished, and you already know that the electricity is more expensive than the alternate ways to produce it, that's going to be a little discouraging, and, in fact, that's been the case for utilities around the world. +OK. So there's definitely an interesting debate there, but we're going to come on to some community questions. Let's have the first of those questions up, please. From Prosanta Chakrabarty: "People who are skeptical of COVID and of climate change seem to be skeptical of science in general. It may be that the singular message from scientists gets diluted and convoluted. How do we fix that?" +Yeah, that's a great question, Prosanta. Boy, I'm trying to put this succinctly and shortly. I think that there has been a feeling that experts in general have kind of let the US down, and that feeling is much more pronounced in the US than in most other countries. And I think that the considered opinion of what we call experts has been diluted over the last few decades by the unhealthy dominance of big money in our political system, which has found ways to really twist economic policy to benefit elites. And this sounds a little radical, but it's actually what has happened. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC09.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..bb1fc0f9c030b1f148ea16e45b5303377ea8941d --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +And we have gone for more than 40 years without any meaningful increase in middle-income pay, and where the injustice experienced by African Americans and other communities of color are concerned, the differential in pay between African Americans and majority Americans is the same as it was in 1968, and the family wealth, the net worth -- it takes 11 and a half so-called "typical" African American families to make up the net worth of one so-called "typical" White American family. And you look at the soaring incomes in the top one or the top one-tenth of one percent, and people say, "Wait a minute. Whoever the experts were that designed these policies, they haven't been doing a good job for me." +A final point, Chris: there has been an assault on reason. There has been a war against truth. There has been a strategy, maybe it was best known as a strategy decades ago by the tobacco companies who hired actors and dressed them up as doctors to falsely reassure people that there were no health consequences from smoking cigarettes, and a hundred million people died as a result. That same strategy of diminishing the significance of truth, diminishing, as someone said, the authority of knowledge, I think that has made it kind of open season on any inconvenient truth -- forgive another buzz phrase, but it is apt. We cannot abandon our devotion to the best available evidence tested in reasoned discourse and used as the basis for the best policies we can form. +Is it possible, Al, that one consequence of the pandemic is actually a growing number of people have revisited their opinions on scientists? I mean, you've had a chance in the last few months to say, "Do I trust my political leader or do I trust this scientist in terms of what they're saying about this virus?" Maybe lessons from that could be carried forward? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC10.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b60f9f84e65e33afdb69b927392556617e2b5f0c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +Well, you know, I think if the polling is accurate, people do trust their doctors a lot more than some of the politicians who seem to have a vested interest in pretending the pandemic isn't real. And if you look at the incredible bust at President Trump's rally in Tulsa, a stadium of 19,000 people with less than one-third filled, according to the fire marshal, you saw all the empty seats if you saw the news clips, so even the most loyal Trump supporters must have decided to trust their doctors and the medical advice rather than Dr. Donald Trump. +With a little help from the TikTok generation, perchance. +Well, but that didn't affect the turnout. What they did, very cleverly, and I'm cheering them on, what they did was affect the Trump White House's expectations. They're the reason why he went out a couple days beforehand and said, "We've had a million people sign up." But they didn't prevent -- they didn't take seats that others could have otherwise taken. They didn't affect the turnout, just the expectations. +OK, let's have our next question here. "Are you concerned the world will rush back to the use of the private car out of fear of using shared public transportation?" +Well, that could actually be one of the consequences, absolutely. Now, the trends on mass transit were already inching in the wrong direction because of Uber and Lyft and the ridesharing services, and if autonomy ever reaches the goals that its advocates have hoped for then that may also have a similar effect. But there's no doubt that some people are going to be probably a little more reluctant to take mass transportation until the fear of this pandemic is well and truly gone. +Yeah. Might need a vaccine on that one. +Yeah. +Next question. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC11.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e4b58363556608e62ca9256a2cc1a2b904040c80 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Sonaar Luthra, thank you for this question from LA. "Given the temperature rise in the Arctic this past week, seems like the rate we are losing our carbon sinks like permafrost or forests is accelerating faster than we predicted. Are our models too focused on human emissions?" Interesting question. +Well, the models are focused on the factors that have led to these incredible temperature spikes in the north of the Arctic Circle. They were predicted, they have been predicted, and one of the reasons for it is that as the snow and ice cover melts, the sun's incoming rays are no longer reflected back into space at a 90 percent rate, and instead, when they fall on the dark tundra or the dark ocean, they're absorbed at a 90 percent rate. So that's a magnifier of the warming in the Arctic, and this has been predicted. There are a number of other consequences that are also in the models, but some of them may have to be recalibrated. +The scientists are freshly concerned that the emissions of both CO2 and methane from the thawing tundra could be larger than they had hoped they would be. There's also just been a brand-new study. I won't spend time on this, because it deals with a kind of geeky term called "climate sensitivity," which has been a factor in the models with large error bars because it's so hard to pin down. But the latest evidence indicates, worryingly, that the sensitivity may be greater than they had thought, and we will have an even more daunting task. That shouldn't discourage us. I truly believe that once we cross this tipping point, and I do believe we're doing it now, as I've said, then I think we're going to find a lot of ways to speed up the emissions reductions. +We'll take one more question from the community. Haha. "Geoengineering is making extraordinary progress. Exxon is investing in technology from Global Thermostat that seems promising. What do you think of these air and water carbon capture technologies?" Stephen Petranek. diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC12.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6dd1cd5223213920316257c36b3fc2d3e7819f37 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Yeah. Well, you and I have talked about this before, Chris. I've been strongly opposed to conducting an unplanned global experiment that could go wildly wrong, and most are really scared of that approach. However, the term "geoengineering" is a nuanced term that covers a lot. If you want to paint roofs white to reflect more energy from the cityscapes, that's not going to bring a danger of a runaway effect, and there are some other things that are loosely called "geoengineering" like that, which are fine. But the idea of blocking out the sun's rays -- that's insane in my opinion. Turns out plants need sunlight for photosynthesis and solar panels need sunlight for producing electricity from the sun's rays. And the consequences of changing everything we know and pretending that the consequences are going to precisely cancel out the unplanned experiment of global warming that we already have underway, you know, there are glitches in our thinking. One of them is called the "single solution bias," and there are people who just have a hunger to say, "Well, that one solution, we just need to latch on to that and do that, and damn the consequences." Well, it's nuts. +But let me push back on this just a little bit. So let's say that we agree that a single solution, all-or-nothing attempt at geoengineering is crazy. But there are scenarios where the world looks at emissions and just sees, in 10 years' time, let's say, that they are just not coming down fast enough and that we are at risk of several other liftoff events where this train will just get away from us, and we will see temperature rises of three, four, five, six, seven degrees, and all of civilization is at risk. Surely, there is an approach to geoengineering that could be modeled, in a way, on the way that we approach medicine. +Like, for hundreds of years, we don't really understand the human body, people would try interventions, and some of them would work, and some of them wouldn't. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC13.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9ac4a96015b3559b1b54fe0f2b03d00746b7c463 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +No one says in medicine, "You know, go in and take an all-or-nothing decision on someone's life," but they do say, "Let's try some stuff." If an experiment can be reversible, if it's plausible in the first place, if there's reason to think that it might work, we actually owe it to the future health of humanity to try at least some types of tests to see what could work. So, small tests to see whether, for example, seeding of something in the ocean might create, in a nonthreatening way, carbon sinks. Or maybe, rather than filling the atmosphere with sulfur dioxide, a smaller experiment that was not that big a deal to see whether, cost-effectively, you could reduce the temperature a little bit. Surely, that isn't completely crazy and is at least something we should be thinking about in case these other measures don't work? +Well, there've already been such experiments to seed the ocean to see if that can increase the uptake of CO2. And the experiments were an unmitigated failure, as many predicted they would be. But that, again, is the kind of approach that's very different from putting tinfoil strips in the atmosphere orbiting the Earth. That was the way that solar geoengineering proposal started. Now they're focusing on chalk, so we have chalk dust all over everything. But more serious than that is the fact that it might not be reversible. +But, Al, that's the rhetoric response. The amount of dust that you need to drop by a degree or two wouldn't result in chalk dust over everything. It would be unbelievably -- like, it would be less than the dust that people experience every day, anyway. I mean, I just. +First of all, I don't know how you do a small experiment in the atmosphere. And secondly, if we were to take that approach, we would have to steadily increase the amount of whatever substance they decided. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC14.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..63acaa31709a33ec02c197da0bd3f079592e687f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +We'd have to increase it every single year, and if we ever stopped, then there would be a sudden snapback, like "The Picture of Dorian Gray," that old book and movie, where suddenly all of the things caught up with you at once. The fact that anyone is even considering these approaches, Chris, is a measure of a feeling of desperation that some have begun to feel, which I understand, but I don't think it should drive us toward these reckless experiments. And by the way, using your analogy to experimental cancer treatments, for example, you usually get informed consent from the patient. +Getting informed consent from 7.8 billion people who have no voice and no say, who are subject to the potentially catastrophic consequences of this wackadoodle proposal that somebody comes up with to try to rearrange the entire Earth's atmosphere and hope and pretend that it's going to cancel out, the fact that we're putting 152 million tons of heat-trapping, manmade global warming pollution into the sky every day. That's what's really insane. A scientist decades ago compared it this way. He said, if you had two people on a sinking boat and one of them says, "You know, we could probably use some mirrors to signal to shore to get them to build a sophisticated wave-generating machine that will cancel out the rocking of the boat by these guys in the back of the boat." Or you could get them to stop rocking the boat. And that's what we need to do. We need to stop what's causing the crisis. +Yeah, that's a great story, but if the effort to stop the people rocking in the back of the boat is as complex as the scientific proposal you just outlined, whereas the experiment to stop the waves is actually as simple as telling the people to stop rocking the boat, that story changes. And I think you're right that the issue of informed consent is a really challenging one, but, I mean, no one gave informed consent to do all of the other things we're doing to the atmosphere. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC15.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1208b44a420a98ea85d9c5f858802367f0646be0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +And I agree that the moral hazard issue is worrying, that if we became dependent on geoengineering and took away our efforts to do the rest, that would be tragic. It just seems like, I wish it was possible to have a nuanced debate of people saying, you know what, there's multiple dials to a very complex problem. We're going to have to adjust several of them very, very carefully and keep talking to each other. Wouldn't that be a goal to just try and have a more nuanced debate about this, rather than all of that geoengineering can't work? +Well, I've said some of it, you know, the benign forms that I've mentioned, I'm not ruling those out. But blocking the Sun's rays from the Earth, not only do you affect 7.8 billion people, you affect the plants and the animals and the ocean currents and the wind currents and natural processes that we're in danger of disrupting even more. Techno-optimism is something I've engaged in in the past, but to latch on to some brand-new technological solution to rework the entire Earth's natural system because somebody thinks he's clever enough to do it in a way that precisely cancels out the consequences of using the atmosphere as an open sewer for heat-trapping manmade gases. It's much more important to stop using the atmosphere as an open sewer. That's what the problem is. +All right, well, we'll agree that that is the most important thing, for sure, and speaking of which, do you believe the world needs carbon pricing, and is there any prospect for getting there? +Yes. Yes to both questions. For decades, almost every economist who is asked about the climate crisis says, "Well, we just need to put a price on carbon." And I have certainly been in favor of that approach. But it is daunting. Nevertheless, there are 43 jurisdictions around the world that already have a price on carbon. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC16.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..aba2a0869bb2051bb89becfe0cf7c618979365fa --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +We're seeing it in Europe. They finally straightened out their carbon pricing mechanism. It's an emissions trading version of it. We have places that have put a tax on carbon. That's the approach the economists prefer. China is beginning to implement its national emissions trading program. California and quite a few other states in the US are already doing it. It can be given back to people in a revenue-neutral way. +But the opposition to it, Chris, which you've noted, is impressive enough that we do have to take other approaches, and I would say most climate activists are now saying, look, let's don't make the best the enemy of the better. There are other ways to do this as well. We need every solution we can rationally employ, including by regulation. And often, when the political difficulty of a proposal becomes too difficult in a market-oriented approach, the fallback is with regulation, and it's been given a bad name, regulation, but many places are doing it. I mentioned phasing out internal combustion engines. That's an example. There are 160 cities in the US that have already by regulation ordered that within a date certain, 100 percent of all their electricity will have to come from renewable sources. And again, the market forces that are driving the cost of renewable energy and sustainability solutions ever downward, that gives us the wind at our back. This is working in our favor. +I mean, the pushback on carbon pricing often goes further from parts of the environmental movement, which is to a pushback on the role of business in general. Business is actually -- well, capitalism -- is blamed for the climate crisis because of unrelenting growth, to the point where many people don't trust business to be part of the solution. The only way to go forward is to regulate, to force businesses to do the right thing. Do you think that business has to be part of the solution? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC17.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ba32234844de564a339dc03db67df5d554d5e1e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Well, definitely, because the allocation of capital needed to solve this crisis is greater than what governments can handle. And businesses are beginning, many businesses are beginning to play a very constructive role. They're getting a demand that they do so from their customers, from their investors, from their boards, from their executive teams, from their families. And by the way, the rising generation is demanding a brighter future, and when CEOs interview potential new hires, they find that the new hires are interviewing them. They want to make a nice income, but they want to be able to tell their family and friends and peers that they're doing something more than just making money. One illustration of how this new generation is changing, Chris: there are 65 colleges in the US right now where the College Young Republican Clubs have joined together to jointly demand that the Republican National Committee change its policy on climate, lest they lose that entire generation. This is a global phenomenon. The Greta Generation is now leading this in so many ways, and if you look at the polling, again, the vast majority of young Republicans are demanding a change on climate policy. This is really a movement that is building still. +I was going to ask you about that, because one of the most painful things over the last 20 years has just been how climate has been politicized, certainly in the US. You've probably felt yourself at the heart of that a lot of the time, with people attacking you personally in the most merciless, and unfair ways, often. Do you really see signs that that might be changing, led by the next generation? +Yeah, there's no question about it. I don't want to rely on polls too much. I've mentioned them already. But there was a new one that came out that looked at the wavering Trump supporters, those who supported him strongly in the past and want to do so again. The number one issue, surprisingly to some, that is giving them pause, is the craziness of President Trump and his administration on climate. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC18.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d09e2f31d8bdd3f4e4b5bd28052d79a7f5aa19e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +We're seeing big majorities of the Republican Party overall saying that they're ready to start exploring some real solutions to the climate crisis. I think that we're really getting there, no question about it. +I mean, you've been the figurehead for raising this issue, and you happen to be a Democrat. Is there anything that you can personally do to -- I don't know -- to open the tent, to welcome people, to try and say, "This is beyond politics, dear friends"? +Yeah. Well, I've tried all of those things, and maybe it's made a little positive difference. I've worked with the Republicans extensively. And, you know, well after I left the White House, I had Newt Gingrich and Pat Robertson and other prominent Republicans appear on national TV ads with me saying we've got to solve the climate crisis. But the petroleum industry has really doubled down enforcing discipline within the Republican Party. I mean, look at the attacks they've launched against the Pope when he came out with his encyclical and was demonized, not by all for sure, but there were hawks in the anti-climate movement who immediately started training their guns on Pope Francis, and there are many other examples. They enforce discipline and try to make it a partisan issue, even as Democrats reach out to try to make it bipartisan. I totally agree with you that it should not be a partisan issue. It didn't use to be, but it's been artificially weaponized as an issue. +I mean, the CEOs of oil companies also have kids who are talking to them. It feels like some of them are moving and are trying to invest and trying to find ways of being part of the future. Do you see signs of that? +Yeah. I think that business leaders, including in the oil and gas companies, are hearing from their families. They're hearing from their friends. They're hearing from their employees. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC19.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ff203adf9b32128e739d01fd2166b4b92ee383c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +And, by the way, we've seen in the tech industry some mass walkouts by employees who are demanding that some of the tech companies do more and get serious. I'm so proud of Apple. Forgive me for parenthetically praising Apple. You know, I'm on the board, but I'm such a big fan of Tim Cook and my colleagues at Apple. It's an example of a tech company that's really doing fantastic things. And there's some others as well. There are others in many industries. But the pressures on the oil and gas companies are quite extraordinary. You know, BP just wrote down 12 and a half billion dollars' worth of oil and gas assets and said that they're never going to see the light of day. Two-thirds of the fossil fuels that have already been discovered cannot be burned and will not be burned. And so that's a big economic risk to the global economy, like the subprime mortgage crisis. We've got 22 trillion dollars of subprime carbon assets, and just yesterday, there was a major report that the fracking industry in the US is seeing now a wave of bankruptcies because the price of the fracked gas and oil has fallen below levels that make them economic. +Is the shorthand of what's happened there that electric cars and electric technologies and solar and so forth have helped drive down the price of oil to the point where huge amounts of the reserves just can't be developed profitably? +Yes, that's it. That's mainly it. The projections for energy sources in the next several years uniformly predict that electricity from wind and solar is going to continue to plummet in price, and therefore using gas or coal to make steam to turn the turbines is just not going to be economical. Similarly, the electrification of the transportation sector is having the same effect. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC20.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a1b2d8eabd095b7000ff58aded2b723013e70443 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Some are also looking at the trend in national, regional and local governance. I mentioned this before, but they're predicting a very different energy future. But let me come back, Chris, because we talked about business leaders. +I think you were getting in a question a moment ago about capitalism itself, and I do want to say a word on that, because there are a lot of people who say maybe capitalism is the basic problem. I think the current form of capitalism we have is desperately in need of reform. The short-term outlook is often mentioned, but the way we measure what is of value to us is also at the heart of the crisis of modern capitalism. Now, capitalism is at the base of every successful economy, and it balances supply and demand, unlocks a higher fraction of the human potential, and it's not going anywhere, but it needs to be reformed, because the way we measure what's valuable now ignores so-called negative externalities like pollution. +It also ignores positive externalities like investments in education and health care, mental health care, family services. It ignores the depletion of resources like groundwater and topsoil and the web of living species. And it ignores the distribution of incomes and net worths, so when GDP goes up, people cheer, two percent, three percent -- wow! -- four percent, and they think, "Great!" But it's accompanied by vast increases in pollution, chronic underinvestment in public goods, the depletion of irreplaceable natural resources, and the worst inequality crisis we've seen in more than a hundred years that is threatening the future of both capitalism and democracy. So we have to change it. We have to reform it. +So reform capitalism, but don't throw it out. We're going to need it as a tool as we go forward if we're to solve this. +Yeah, I think that's right, and just one other point: the worst environmental abuses in the last hundred years have been in jurisdictions that experimented during the 20th century with the alternatives to capitalism on the left and right. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC21.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f391b9462e35a421a2c38b253f5394d33853c851 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Interesting. All right. Two last community questions quickly. Chadburn Blomquist: "As you are reading the tea leaves of the impact of the current pandemic, what do you think in regard to our response to combatting climate change will be the most impactful lesson learned?" +Boy, that's a very thoughtful question, and I wish my answer could rise to the same level on short notice. I would say first, don't ignore the scientists. When there is virtual unanimity among the scientific and medical experts, pay attention. Don't let some politician dissuade you. I think President Trump is slowly learning that's it's kind of difficult to gaslight a virus. He tried to gaslight the virus in Tulsa. It didn't come off very well, and tragically, he decided to recklessly roll the dice a month ago and ignore the recommendations for people to wear masks and to socially distance and to do the other things, and I think that lesson is beginning to take hold in a much stronger way. But beyond that, Chris, I think that this period of time has been characterized by one of the most profound opportunities for people to rethink the patterns of their lives and to consider whether or not we can't do a lot of things better and differently. And I think that this rising generation I mentioned before has been even more profoundly affected by this interlude, which I hope ends soon, but I hope the lessons endure. I expect they will. +Yeah, it's amazing how many things you can do without emitting carbon, that we've been forced to do. Let's have one more question here. Frank Hennessy, "Are you encouraged by the ability of people to quickly adapt to the new normal due to COVID-19 as evidence that people can and will change their habits to respond to climate change?" +Yes, but I think we have to keep in mind that there is a crisis within this crisis. The impact on the African American community, which I mentioned before, on the Latinx community, indigenous peoples. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC22.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..87f6958460046559b4923ea17d1bba81eec9d5db --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TEDCC22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +The highest infection rate is in the Navajo Nation right now. So some of these questions appear differently to those who are really getting the brunt of this crisis, and it is unacceptable that we allow this to continue. It feels one way to you and me and perhaps to many in our audience today, but for low-income communities of color, it's an entirely different crisis, and we owe it to them and to all of us to get busy and to start using the best science and solve this pandemic. You know the phrase "pandemic economics." Somebody said, the first principle of pandemic economics is take care of the pandemic, and we're not doing that yet. We're seeing the president try to goose the economy for his reelection, never mind the prediction of tens of thousands of additional American deaths, and that is just unforgivable in my opinion. +Thank you, Frank. So Al, you, along with others in the community played a key role in encouraging TED to launch this initiative called "Countdown." Thank you for that, and I guess this conversation is continuing among many of us. If you're interested in climate, watching this, check out the Countdown website, countdown.ted.com, and be part of 10/10/2020, when we are trying to put out an alert to the world that climate can't wait, that it really matters, and there's going to be some amazing content free to the world on that day. Thank you, Al, for your inspiration and support in doing that. I wonder whether you could end today's session just by painting us a picture, like how might things roll out over the next decade or so? Just tell us whether there is still a story of hope here. +I'd be glad to. I've got to get one plug in. I'll make it brief. July 18 through July 26, The Climate Reality Project is having a global training. We've already had 8,000 people register. You can go to climatereality.com. Now, a bright future. It begins with all of the kinds of efforts that you've thrown yourself into in organizing countdown. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov01.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a6091993ba4bf38052fe8dbf127c7faefebb1045 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +Hello everyone, and welcome back to TEDConnects. If you're (Audio feedback) joining us for the -- If you're joining us for the first time, we've been bringing interviews all week with some of the world's greatest minds to help us make sense of this unprecedented moment that we're living in. I'm Whitney Pennington Rodgers, TED's current affairs curator and one of your hosts. This week, thousands of you have tuned in to these live events each day, and hundreds of thousands more have watched these interviews after the fact. We've really loved seeing your questions. They add so much to these conversations. So please keep them coming. In a few minutes, I'm going to disappear to work with our team behind the scenes to monitor our Facebook feed, where you can leave some of your questions. I'll work to figure out which ones are the ones that we can bring back to our guest, and I will ask as many of them as I can during the live interview. Today, we're going to be touching on a subject that I think is top of mind for a lot of people, so I'd like to turn things over to the head of TED, Chris Anderson, who will introduce today's guest. +Hello. +Hi Chris. How's it going today? +Nice to see you again, Whitney. It's going pretty good here. Amazing days. +That's good. That's great. We have sunshine here in the Northeast, which is nice. +So look, I am excited to introduce this guest, because I've known Seth Berkley for a long time. I count him as a friend. He's a man who has really devoted his life to the most profound questions about public health. Vaccines are extraordinary. They save millions of lives. The quest for a coronavirus vaccine is, I think, the biggest single question that the world faces now if we're going to get out of this. So it's just a delight to welcome Dr. Seth Berkley to TED Connects. Come on in, Seth. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov02.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..27c7fe3149c4f0b499314cc0b0418d822b72226b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Good to see you there, Chris, and delighted to be with you and all of the TED community. +Well, so look, on Tuesday, Bill Gates was here, and he mentioned that your organization, Gavi, is really at the heart of the quest for a vaccine. So tell us a bit -- what is Gavi? +So Chris, thank you for that. What's interesting is that 20 years ago -- we just celebrated our 20th anniversary -- there were all these powerful new vaccines that were being used in wealthy countries, and the challenge is, they weren't getting to the places that they could make the most difference: the developing world. So Gavi was formed as an alliance -- WHO, the World Bank, the Gates Foundation, UNICEF -- all working together to try to bring these vaccines to the developing world. And it's been very successful. We've launched 433 new vaccines in the most difficult countries in the world, in the Somalias and Yemens and DRCs and Nigerias. But we've also set up emergency stockpiles for outbreak-based vaccines, so if there's an outbreak anywhere in the world of yellow fever or of things like cholera or meningitis and now Ebola, we have vaccines that are available to do that. And the last thing we are trying to do is build the health systems out to deliver these vaccines, but also to make sure that we can pay attention to new diseases that pop up in different parts of the world. +And just give us a sense of the scale of this. How many vaccines do you distribute in a given year? And how many lives do you believe that that may be saving? +So, let me give you a macro number. We've immunized more than 760 million additional children -- 760 million additional children -- and prevented more than 13 million deaths. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov03.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3b62745b77af765871abb27ecbbb3237807293ac --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +In an average year, we give about a half a billion doses because we started out with six diseases, but now we vaccinate against 18 different diseases. +Yeah, the scale of that is incredible, and amidst all the bad news that's happening, it's kind of amazing that this intervention can save so many lives. I mean, help us understand what a vaccine is. +So, the original idea, the word "vaccine," comes from "vaca," or cow. And the observation made in the 1700s was that milkmaids had beautiful skin, whereas everybody else had pockmarks from having gotten over smallpox. And the concept was that she was getting infected with a zoonosis, that is, with naturally occurring cowpox, not smallpox. That then protected against smallpox. And it was tested in those days: Could you artificially do that? They of course didn't understand virology, they didn't understand any of those issues. But what a vaccine is is something that you give to artificially stimulate the immune system, hopefully to not make you sick. But then later on, when the body comes in contact with the real disease, it thinks it's already seen it and it is able to fight it off without making the person sick. +I mean, it's kind of a miraculous thing to me that they work that way, that your body is always there looking for these threats. And a vaccine, I guess, the body perceives it as a threat, and therefore arms itself against that threat, right? And that's what gives the protection. So, is that why some people are sort of -- irrationally, I will say -- irrationally scared of vaccines and feel that they may be dangerous, because they are a kind of threat that you're putting into your body in a very subtle way? +Well, of course, when this first started, there were two ways to make vaccines. You could grind them up and inject them, so-called "whole killed vaccines." \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov04.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8757e2155d54eb14bc668ca20e929115c549e048 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So you took organisms and you got an immune response, and sometimes those organisms, even though they were dead, gave you a pretty whopping immune response: your arms were sore, you got fevers. Then we moved to these weakened live viruses, and frankly, those are the best vaccines. That's what measles is. That's what yellow fever is. These are weakened viruses. They don't give you disease, but because they look like the natural viruses, your body gets protection and, frankly, you get protection for your whole life. Today, because people are worried about side effects, we've begun to use molecular biology and use little bits of it, and therefore, it's moved forward. But the reason people are mostly scared is because, frankly, vaccines have been so successful. You don't expect, if you have a child or two children, that those children are going to die of these diseases, unlike in the past, when three or four out of your five or six or seven kids would die. So today, people think, well, gee, these diseases aren't around, they're not that bad and, by the way, if I'm injecting these things, maybe they're not organic, maybe it'll make my child cry, maybe it'll make them sick, and I don't need to do it. And that's the challenge. You don't want to scare people to death on how bad these diseases can be, but at the same time, you want them to understand that these diseases are serious and can cause really bad disease and sequela. +So yesterday, you issued a really powerful call for this massive, coordinated global response to tackle the search for a coronavirus vaccine. We're going to come that in a bit, because I think that's a very exciting topic. But I think we need some more background first. I want to go back five years to when you stood on the TED stage and you held up two candidate Ebola vaccines. This was just a few months after Ebola had been terrifying the world. It was basically amazing how quickly those vaccines had been developed. What happened to them? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov05.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b375e282c6d3cfa06a458c025d53c6f43314eef8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +And later on, they decided that was not necessarily a good bioterrorism agent, so they dropped that off the list. But in the freezers were vaccines that had been started, and they were dusted off, and that's why we could move so quickly in that moment. +And yet, how long was it from that moment on the TED stage with the candidate vaccine to actual deployment? +So, what happened was, the epidemic began to go down. The clinical trial I told you about was done. It was a heroic clinical trial done by WHO, and it showed that it had these results. That epidemic then stopped. We didn't know if there were going to be more epidemics. It took another number of years to finish the work on the vaccine to make sure it was pure, to figure out how to manufacture it at scale. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov06.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2fa56d1d53d23db56401fa163906cf3fbe858a76 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +It's a great question, and let me tell a little bit of the story, but at the end, there were two vaccines. One, it turned out, couldn't finish its testing, because the epidemic died down. The other one was fully tested. It had a hundred percent efficacy. We then went on to work with manufacturers to produce that vaccine, at least temporarily, in an investigational form, just in case there were more outbreaks. There were, and those are the vaccine doses that we've used in the DRC. In the last two outbreaks, 280,000 people have been vaccinated with this experimental vaccine, and today, there is a licensed vaccine, and we are now procuring a global stockpile of a half a million doses. But let me just say, Chris, the reason they came so quickly at that moment is, after September 11th, there was concern in the US about bioterrorism. Remember, there were anthrax attacks. And so what happened was there was a list of agents, and Ebola, for a short time, was on that list of agents, so people started making vaccines, aIt's during that period that we put vaccine away and had it available in case there were other outbreaks. And it turned out, there were three outbreaks. One went away quickly, but there were two. I was there on day 13 of the second outbreak. We injected the vaccine, cases went up, then they went down, and controlled it. And then this DRC in North Kivu outbreak, which really was terrible because it was in a war zone. And that's the one where we've been not only vaccinating in DRC but in surrounding countries. By the way, that is now, I believe, day 38 or 39 out of the 42 necessary to say it's over. We hope it is. And that would be, again, an enormous example of what vaccines can do, even in a very difficult setting. +And yet, in one way, Seth, it's kind of shocking that the outbreak that happened at the start of 2015, end of 2014, that it happened at all, because the world has known about Ebola for a long time. It's been sequenced and so forth. A vaccine could have been developed and got ready for a possible outbreak. Why didn't that happen? +Well, there had been 26 outbreaks before, but each one of them was small -- couple of hundred people or a couple of dozen people -- in the poorest African countries in the world. There was no market for it. People didn't know how to test it because they would just pop up and then go away. And so even though it was obviously a disease that potentially could spread, it had never really spread before. Of course, in West Africa, they didn't have a good surveillance system; it spread for three months before people identified that it was Ebola, and by that time, it was too late. It had spread. What's important about that lesson is that then caused huge disruption across Africa, across the world, because cases went to other places. And the challenge then was, and the reason we had to step in, was because there still was no market. So the Gavi board said, "We will put out 390 million dollars. We'll put it out there and tell companies, we're open for business, we'll create a market, we'll buy the vaccine." \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov07.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8e68e9c5e39f4d5aad5151a0ccfcb8eb5e5d635c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +And that led to companies being willing to finish the investment to get us to where we are today. +Right, right. So it's a real paradox, right? In a way, the very thing that makes vaccines so extraordinary, that once they're developed, they are so cheap to administer, for a few dollars, I guess, you can administer this dose that will save someone maybe a lifetime of illness or save their lives, and yet so much of medical research and invention and development is done by companies who need to see a revenue stream, and so they don't see it from those tiny little cheap things that might save a lot of lives. So it's a real market failure that in this circumstance now -- That's one of the things I guess you're thinking hard about, how on earth do we get round and avoid that market failure crippling the response this time? +Well, first of all, one of the reasons Bill Gates likes vaccines is, in a sense, it's a little bit like software creation. You put a lot of money and effort into creating it, but once you've got it, you can produce it pretty cheaply and use it in different places around the world. I don't want to beat up the pharmaceutical industry here because they were heroic in Ebola, but I think realistically, they are for-profit entities, and they have to say to their shareholders, "Somebody's going to pay for this, or we're going to do it as a charitable thing." And if we do it as a charitable thing, they can't keep doing it. Since then, there is a new initiative called CEPI, the Coalition for Epidemic Preparedness Innovations. It was set up at Davos a few years ago, and its purpose is to try to make vaccines for the list of diseases that aren't yet known epidemics but that can potentially be there. And the idea would be using public sector money to get us prepared. Of course, they jumped in on this coronavirus as well. Last thing is, of course, I'm not worried on a coronavirus stage that this is a problem, with not having a market. One of the challenges here is that there may be too big a market for this, and therefore, how do we make sure there's access for developing countries. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov08.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4bfb49fecc21d8cafa5e7bd17103764357facec7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +All right, so talk about this virus, Seth. How is it different from Ebola? How challenging is it to create a vaccine for it? +So what's interesting about coronaviruses is that they are animal viruses, probably primarily in bats. They jump into other animals sometimes, and then they jump into humans. So this shouldn't have been a surprise. This is the third coronavirus that has jumped into humans. We had SARS in early 2002, we had MERS a number of years later, and now we have this virus. What's interesting is there is a database that shows there are 30,000-some-odd isolated coronaviruses in animals, and one of the things that people tried to do was say the way these coronaviruses work is they have a spike on them. They're called "corona" because they look like the sun. That spike is where it attaches to a certain receptor in people's lungs. And so somebody said, well, maybe we can begin to look at those spikes and see if they're similar to the human receptors and they can be predicted. But the problem is people don't invest in those types of research. And, of course, I think that, given it's an evolutionary certainty, we're going to see this, that we should be. But one other point about this is coronavirus jumped into humans in ancient history as well, and so we have now about a third to a quarter of the common cold viruses are actually coronaviruses. And what's interesting about those is they don't make you deathly ill like these, but you also don't have long-term immunity to them, so you can get reinfected with these viruses after 10 months, a year. And so that does raise an issue on vaccinology, because you want to ideally have lifetime immunity. +The reason why we get reinfected is because the virus mutates slightly, and so it escapes the antibodies? +No, no, not in this case. Not in this case. So in flu, that's what happens. The viruses are always mutating. In HIV, the reason we don't have a vaccine is because they're all mutating. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov09.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..99cf10d9675efdf1a8470c684dbccf253fb81f33 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +In this case, the immune response seems to get weaker and go away, and people get reinfected with the same viruses. Now, that is potentially a solvable problem using vaccinology and many different techniques, but the point is, we just can't assume. Some people now are talking about herd immunity as a way to deal with this virus, and the idea there is if you could get enough people infected -- you know, forget for a moment that a lot of people are going to die and be miserable while that happens -- but the idea is that you get a certain level immunity in the community, and then the disease will go away. Well, that is only true if you get long-term immunity. If you don't, then you could go through all of that horrible experience, have all those deaths, and then not have the protection you need to protect against this disease. +OK, so in a way, the quest we're looking for is a vaccine that will work for the long term. I mean, I guess any vaccine that works at all will be a huge gift, but it could well be one that we have to retake every year, or something like that. +Right. That is certainly possible. Of course, we have to remember, though, that SARS and MERS both had even higher mortality than this virus does, and they give a much more profound immune response. So it may be that they react differently than the common cold viruses. The challenge, of course, is that we haven't had the opportunity to study these over a long time, and this new disease -- three and a half months, we've had it. More science has been done for this disease in this short period of time, but we don't understand fully the epidemiology of the virus, the immune response, what's protective, which is the best animal model. All of that is being worked on by science and at breakneck pace, but a lot to learn. +So talk about how the medical and the research community responded. Because, the Chinese authorities -- I guess we heard it yesterday -- only found out about this sometime in December. Already, early in January -- I think the virus started in November, they found out about it in December. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov10.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b33dd3f9238d967a928157ea701a76c1c4dee1f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +By early January, they had already released a sequence of the virus to the world, and now here we are. And I think I saw that more than 40 companies are already claiming candidate vaccines. What does it mean to have a candidate vaccine? Like, have companies tested this already against animals or something? Or are they just looking at a computer model where they go, "That should work"? +Well, it's an interesting question you ask there. So first of all, China was heroic on this. They did post the genetic sequence of it. Today, we have companies that can sit down with a computer and from that genetic sequence, make what is a candidate vaccine. Now, a candidate vaccine obviously means it's not a licensed product. It's something that somebody wants to work on. But you're right, you have to have the right nomenclature, because "candidate" can mean I'm working on something, it's in my head, I'm just doing a little work on it, I've got something in a vial, I'm beginning to do testing on it. And so what we saw in that case was a company called Moderna. That was the first vaccine that went into humans. It's a messenger RNA-based system. I actually visited the company, not in this outbreak but before, because the technology is interesting. And what they were able to do was, in 42 days, make a candidate vaccine from the genetic sequence. They didn't need the organism. That now is in clinical testing. Now, there is no licensed mRNA vaccine, so we're going to have to figure out, is it safe? Does it work in different age groups? How are we going to scale it up? All of that. But there are many others who are using conventional vaccinology. An example would be, the French are working on a measles-based vaccine. The idea is to put the spiked protein in the measles vector, and it takes a little bit longer to do that work, but once you have that done, of course, we know how to make measles vaccine. We make hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of doses and provide it to the whole world. If that was to work, that might be easier to scale up. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov11.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..69fb8311c134157c51be7b658037aa21511dd039 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +So I think what we want in the race is to have multiple different vaccines moving forward. We don't want one or two. We don't want a hundred in the late stages, because it's expensive and hard to do. But we want to have a diversity of science approaches going forward. +Which of the other candidates out there are you excited by or at least intrigued by? +Well, for me, the critical issue here is going to be we have to optimize for speed, and so that means, as I said, having examples of all the different new technologies that could potentially work, as well as conventional doses moving forward at the same time. So what you're going to want to do is have this bubble up. And it's not just companies, or big companies. It's also biotech companies. It's also academic researchers that are working on this. You want all of those to bubble up. Then you want to be able to look at what's the most promising, and that will depend upon animal results. It'll depend upon being able to produce those vaccines, have a pathway, and eventually, you will want to put those into human clinical trials. That requires a certain amount of safety work. You can try to accelerate that. But then you need to say, OK, we need to know, do we need one dose, do we need multiple doses, do we need 50 micrograms, 100, 150? Do we need a chemical stimulant we call an adjuvant? Given that this disease, its big problems in outcomes are in the elderly, we might need to put some stimulants in to make it a more potent immune response. So all of that work has to go on. That's what the clinical testing is. Eventually you say, "Aha! Here's the vaccine we're going to use." Now you test it in an efficacy trial. And that is to see, does it work? And at that point, you then have a vaccine that you know works. But there is a stage after that, and that stage is, you've got to work out the manufacturing, have it all worked out so that the regulators know that you can really make this, and that it's pure, it doesn't have any problems with it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov12.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..08a04187a2c1746f60c26eb7d1f051196857254c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +And during that period, and that's what we did in Ebola, we were able to use those vaccines to help in outbreaks under a clinical trial protocol while monitoring them and learning. So there's a lot of steps there, and it's complicated, and I've shortened it a little bit. +But summarize the steps that they basically need to go through. I heard probably an animal test, and then. +Well, for example, Moderna. They went into humans at the same time they're doing animal testing. We don't have a perfect animal model. But normally it takes 10 to 15 years to do this, and that's the compression you're trying to do here. So the challenge is, we can compress all those different clinical trials. The basic way you think about it is, preclinical studies, animals, understanding it, purity, reproducibility. Then you move into human studies. You start off with a small number of healthy people. You then work on the dosing, how much, how often. Then you move into people at risk for the disease -- that might be in this case the elderly or people with other conditions -- and then eventually do an efficacy trial. Now, one of the cool new things we can do today is something called "adaptive trial design." So rather than do these sequentially, what you can begin to do is enroll people and then, as you get the data you need, you can just begin to bring in the next set of groups, and by doing that, you can speed it up dramatically. +When you say enroll people, you mean enroll people who have their eyes wide open. They have informed consent. I think that's the term. +Absolutely. +And they're willing to, I guess, take the risk that this isn't a fully tested vaccine but it may well be efficacious, and so that obviously can help a lot. That's crucial to this, right? +Absolutely. They are the unsung heroes of vaccinology, because people go out, they volunteer to take a substance, particularly early on, that don't know how it's going to react. Is it going to make the disease worse? Make it better? Is it going to protect them? Is it going to make them sick? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov13.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..751ed32c06aabd93a1f8e08aeae2dee16ccb4c13 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +So you try to predict that if you can with animals, but people do do that, and the informed consent says not only you may have these side effects or these problems, but also this vaccine may not work. And so it's important for people to understand that, because you don't want people to go and put themselves at high risk, saying, "Oh, gee, I had a vaccine, and so I'm protected." We don't know that until we get to the efficacy stage of trials. +But Seth, even putting together all those dots, what I've heard most people say is that it is likely to take at least 18 months before the world will have a vaccine available at any kind of scale. Is that time line right? And can the world remotely afford 18 months on this? +Well, I think, you know, I've given you many questions. I could raise lots more questions. So part of it's going to be luck: How easy is this particular candidate vaccine going to be? How lucky will we be in getting a good immune response? Which approaches will work? Will they be scalable? So I think there's lot of questions there. The world will do everything they can to squeeze it down, but I think that's the time line we're talking about. And remember, it's 10 to 15 years usually. In the case of Ebola, we did it in five years to a licensed product. In this case, we are hoping to squeeze it down dramatically, but there are many things we're going to have to go through, and it's really about making sure that vaccine works and it is safe for use in what ultimately may be billions of people. +Whitney. +Hi. So we have lots of questions coming in, Seth. One of them that's kind of related to this is, you know, a lot of us right now are isolating, and we're not building our exposure to this virus, so how will that affect us in the long term? Will this make us vulnerable to the virus until a vaccine is available? +So that's a great question, and, as you know, we don't fully understand the epidemiology of this virus, but there is some sense that there may be asymptomatics. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov14.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9ae7a4fc3b34820879f3e3d1ad28ee7aa9b06e80 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Do they get immune protection? Are they afterwards resistant to infection? We don't know that, but we do know that people do get sick, including young people, and that sickness can be quite severe. Obviously, a lot of it is mild, but some of it is quite severe, and then it gets more severe in the elderly. So I wouldn't recommend that anybody go out and intentionally try to get exposed to this virus now. The whole idea of having isolation now is to try to stop the chains of transmission, protect health workers in hospitals, with the idea being that if you can suppress it enough -- and Bill talked about this in his talk -- and later on have testing available, you might be able to go back to somewhat of a normal life and then watch for reintroduction of this virus. Of course, at the end of the day, we will probably need a vaccine to be able to completely control that, but the experiment is going on, in China ... Japan has done an amazing job of controlling this with slightly less severe interventions. We've seen in Korea similar things. So the hope would be that if we take it seriously, we actually damp down the exposures and stop this epidemic now, we'll be able to remove to some form of normalcy. And we also may have drugs, and drugs will change the dynamics as well, because people will then know that they are able to get treatment as well. +Great. I'll be back later with other questions I'm seeing. +Thanks, Whitney. +Thanks, Whitney. Thanks everyone watching. Keep those questions coming. Seth, this time line, I've been puzzled about this, because I get that there are so many things that have to be checked out, but I still worry that the rules are not adapting rapidly enough for the scale of the emergency. I mean, my analogy would be: you're going about your lives, and suddenly there's this emergency, you see that there's this enemy force approaching you from the horizon and coming your direction. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov15.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..fc677850cefed545c9c1d0c24e33abd47f42b439 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +You don't, in that circumstance, spend a week trying to test all your guns and make sure they're operating absolutely safely and in the right way. You galvanize and you do take some additional risk for the sake of avoiding the bigger risk. Is that thinking prevalent right now? Are there people trying to make those kinds of trade-offs? How should we think about that? Or do you really believe that the community is galvanizing and moving forward as fast as it humanly can and appropriately balancing the two risks? +I think we're seeing heroics in moving forward here. Obviously, you're right, and the reason we talk about going from 10 to 15 years down to something like 18 months is about squeezing those steps as much as possible. The regulators in the Ebola experience were really fabulous. They worked with us and tried to keep any bureaucratic delays down to the smallest amount possible. And I think that's what's going to be important here, is we have to look at every single step and say, "Is it critical?" But you do need to answer a lot of these questions. For example, if you have a vaccine that works in healthy people, it very well may not give an immune response to the elderly. We may need to change that vaccine to make it work there. It may not work in young children. So you need a certain amount of studies done. Of course, if you work in areas that have big outbreaks, you're able to also enroll more quickly and follow people more quickly. That's one of the reasons we'll have to think about this globally, because we don't know in 12 to 18 months, or even six to 18 months, if we're really lucky, where the epidemic will be raging and where we want to do the clinical trials. We should be prepared to do them wherever in the world it's possible, and also do some in different types of countries. Developing countries may have different immune responses than in wealthy countries. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov16.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..02fd5321bfec834aef7c163dc10f3c21efa7175b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What alarms me a bit is that on the models I've looked at, with the possible exception of what happened in China and Japan, by distancing, we can bend the curve, we can reduce infection. But as soon as you go back to normal, there's this huge risk of a massive resurge, and until the vaccine comes along, it feels like your choices are: one, sort of recklessly expose the whole population to the bug and develop some kind of herd immunity, or try and do this scary dance of really cramping down on the economy and all the risks that are associated with that, and risking, if you lift the lid on that, risking these really dangerous second surges. So is that the right way to think about it? There's a scenario where, until this happens, and if it's 18 months, that's an incredibly long time for the world to be in that sort of dangerous, scary dance. +Well, I think the issue here is that is a little bit the way to think of it, but the experiment is going on now. China is now releasing its controls, and we will see what happens there. We'll see where they have to clamp back down and what's going to happen, and we'll get a good idea of what that's like. Right now, in many countries, we're still in the upscale period when we're seeing lots of cases. And so we have to break that transmission first before we can have that conversation. I'm the first person that would like a vaccine to occur quicker, and, of course, my job is to underpromise and overdeliver, not the other way around. And I think we have to be careful not to think about, "Oh, we can just have a vaccine in a couple of months." It may be that we're lucky. It may be that it's easy to do. It may be the first few candidates will show promise, we get efficacy, we can scale those up for at least some limited use while it's being worked out. But a lot of things have to fall in place for that to happen. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov17.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ade8fff6a7c391715ec39cfbdffc2813814f53e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +And that's why we want to have an organized, global effort to absolutely incentivize the best possible chance for that to happen in the fastest way. +There's some kind of debate out there about whether there might be way, way more cases, mild cases, basically zero-symptom cases of coronavirus out there that may have granted more people immunity than we know. Is that a credible suggestion? More cases and much lower fatality rate than we know, because so many of the cases could be invisible? +You know, Mayor Bloomberg used to have a saying that I loved. He said, "In God we trust. Everybody else, bring data." And I think the answer here is we haven't done enough testing to know, and we started out with PCR tests to look for virus, and therefore, if you had recovered, didn't have the virus anymore, we weren't able to pick it up. Now there are beginning to be antibody tests to look to see if you've been exposed and don't have the virus now but have an immune response to it. Once we have those tests operating at scale, we'll be able to understand what the epidemiology is and what's happening, and then we'll be in a much better place to understand how this is playing out. Also, I mean, even the question: We don't see a lot of cases in children -- is that because the children get infected but they don't get symptoms, and therefore they might be potential spreaders? Or, is it because those children don't get it at all? +So tell us, Seth, about this call that you issued yesterday. I mean, you've said that scientists are behaving heroically. But you've called for something more here from both scientists, companies, governments. Tell us what your call is. +So, first of all, I believe that, given the situation here, this is not the time to just let the normal system work, as we've talked about. I think we have to think about vaccines as a global public good. And what that means is that initially, it ought to be public sector financed. Obviously, if others want to contribute resources, I believe they should, fine. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov18.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..02067fb6fb91c7deb65d8333c6a85b0d41808d61 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +But we want to make sure the best approaches come, and it doesn't matter where they come from in the world. We want to make sure if the best approach is in China or Japan or in South Korea or in the US, wherever it comes from, whatever company has the ideas, get them on the table. Then we want a process to say, realistically, how are these being compared? How do we decide which ones are most likely to succeed? And then, as I explained, some diversity in taking those risks. Maybe some new technology, some old technologies to drive forward. Once that happens, then, to try to get clinical trials to drive forward as quickly as possible. Now, the delay here is actually likely to be in manufacturing, because we might want billions and billions of doses, so how do we then begin to invest, at risk, in manufacturing plants? If it's a big company, they may have adequate manufacturing, but we may want to work with contract manufacturers, other companies, or even build plants or use new technologies, modular technologies to do this. And then, of course, at the end is going to be the process of getting the vaccine out to all those who need it, and that's going to need to be dependent upon the risk at that time. +Help me understand this better, Seth, because right now, it feels like there's this huge effort going on, but companies are operating, in a way, competitively with each other. To an extent, countries are operating competitively with each other. Are you saying that what the world needs is some kind of widely supported global -- I don't know -- vaccine czar that is pulling together different efforts, coordinating, encouraging everyone to work together for the common good, and trying to get agreement on these big decisions like what are the smart few candidates to get behind, rather than this confusing explosion? And then, how do we coordinate manufacturing, etc? Like, is that a person or a small organization that some combination of governments, WHO, UN needs to put together? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov19.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4e2eb4568029bef852afddbcd4ea8c0337e42f8f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +So, first of all, you want science to bubble up at the beginning. You don't want to have centralized control, somebody saying, "I know best and I'm going to predict this." So you want it bubbling up from all over the place, but then you want a coordinated effort. The group that is best-placed to do that is the World Health Organization, maintaining a list of all the different programs that are going on. We also have other organizations. I mentioned CEPI before. CEPI has now supported eight different candidates. I think it's going to support more. Right now, WHO has on its list 44 candidates, but some people think as many as double that. So what you want to do is say, which are the most likely to succeed, and then put them through some type of standardized set of criteria to pick a few of them to move forward aggressively for the world. Obviously, science is going to keep moving, they're going to keep changing, and it may be that your original approach isn't right and new ideas may come up, but you do need to have some process of moving this forward. And really, that's what I called for. What we need to make sure is that if companies have adequate resources to do this on their own, that's fine, but if not, they need to be supported by the public sector and, again, making sure there's adequate manufacturing and ultimately distribution. Then, after a period of time, we can go back to normal and return to the normal way vaccines are handled. But I think that's probably the best way to get there. +How much might this cost, and who should pay for it? +Well, it depends how many cases there are. The good news is, we're talking now about trillions of dollars in economic loss, and this is going to be. I would hardly call that good news. +I mean, I'm making the comparison. Sorry, you're absolutely right, Chris. I mean, we're talking about tens of billions of dollars here, not trillions of dollars, and the reason that's important is you want to make sure that any good idea has its best chance of moving forward, and we ought to, again, optimize for speed and not optimize for being cost-effective at this time. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov20.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..98e9b17c36da34ca6d9feacb8aa91821ee0e2044 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +So I guess you're saying that, like, the rich countries may well be able to afford some kind of vaccine program. I think what I hear you doing here is representing a lot of the countries that can't afford it, and what you're saying is that the world may have to find a way of spending tens of billions of dollars to avoid trillions of dollars of economic damage and all the hardship that goes with it around the world. Is that about right? +That's absolutely right, but I think the important point is, this needs to be a global perspective. I mean, look at what happened with Ebola. We had a vaccine that was originally made in Canada by the Public [Health] Agency of Canada. It was then transferred to a US biotech, then to Merck and Company, which is obviously a global player based in the US, and they're manufacturing it in Germany. That's the way science works, and these vaccines may need components from other places. So how do we think about this in a global way and make sure that -- By the way, the second vaccine that's in humans is from China. Of course, they've had a lot of time to work on it compared to some others. And they have a candidate that's moving forward. If that candidate is successful, we want to make sure that's the one that's scaled up. And so for me, it's making sure that we're looking at this as a global ecosystem with the best candidates moving forward for the good of the world. +Whitney. +We have a lot of people watching from all over the world and we're seeing questions, especially from some of our friends in India who are watching, connected to this just basically about how are poor nations going to get access to this vaccine? And then, specifically, when we think about who gets the vaccine first, will there be some sort of payment that people are paying for this vaccine and those who can afford it will get access before others? +Well, the decision on who will pay for it will ultimately come from the political leaders, and my recommendation would be, you start off as a global public good, you make the vaccine available because we're trying to stop the epidemic. Later on, we can have tiered pricing in different places. But one of the concerns, of course, is: Where is the epidemic going to be at that point, and who needs it first? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov21.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9ce19efb3af62ef7f8986749cba37e3be59c8f5e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +I would argue that people that will need it first are probably health workers, because health workers are going to be on the front lines and we want them to be there to be able to take care of people. They're at risk of both contracting it as well as spreading it. Then you probably want to think about the high-risk individuals, the elderly, people who have preexisting conditions, and then eventually, the rest of the population, if it's needed. So having some type of way of thinking about that. We'll also need to be thinking about equitable access, and that is going to mean thinking about the entire world. Now, Gavi, in the past, including in India, has worked to make sure these new technologies are there, but these are vaccines that existed and, in this case, it's a new vaccine. We have to make sure that it isn't hoarded only in wealthy countries or in a select set of countries. And one way to do that would be to have vaccine production in multiple places. So today a lot of the vaccines that Gavi uses are made around the world. Some are made in the United States and Europe, but some are made in South Korea, in India, in China, in other countries. And so what we could do is have a vaccine transfer the technology and manufacturing in multiple different sites so we could have enough vaccine for that original launch. But whatever happens, there will always be a period of time when we'll have an exciting vaccine and not enough doses to go around, and that's when we need to take hard decisions based upon science on who should get it. +Thanks for that, Seth. I'll be back later with other questions. +Thanks, Whitney. Thank you. +How confident are you that we'll eventually get one? I mean, we still don't have a vaccine for HIV, nor for the common cold. How can you be confident that we can get one this time? +Well, first of all, as you know, I did a TED Talk even before the one of 2015 talking about HIV and flu and how new science needs to come in, and frankly, we are making progress against some of these incredibly difficult organisms. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov22.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..b980d63672d282bde2b6eb7d97382b92578d1d26 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +You talked about variability. That's the problem with HIV. It's constantly changing, and so you're chasing. You get a good immune response, but it's to the strain that was there before, and now you're chasing new strains. There are ways to work around that. It's new science. I, actually, I am optimistic. I'm optimistic because we have some experience with SARS vaccines and with MERS vaccines, and so people have worked on it. They've been able to get good immune responses in animals and in people for those vaccines. And so we can build on that experience. I can't tell you how long they'll last for, how effective they will be. Will they need to have local mucosal immunity, which is in the mouth and nose, as well as serum immunity in the bloodstream? Will they need to have just antibodies or the other arm of the immune system, the cellular arm? These are questions that will need to be answered, but I am a great believer in the power of science, and I think in this case the organism is not going to be quite as difficult as the ones you're talking about that are much more difficult. You mentioned in your TED Talk five years ago, Seth, that we've got this situation where we're spending billions of dollars on nuclear submarines patrolling the oceans for a possible incoming threat, nuclear war threat or whatever, and almost nothing on preparation for a pandemic like the one we're suffering. If the world is adequately shaken up by what's happening now and gets rational about this, what is the key structural shift that would be the pandemic equivalent of having those nuclear submarines? How do we prepare for a new virus that we don't know what it will be or when it will come? How do we prepare to have a much more rapid response? +Well, it's a great question and I think the TED community has a role to play here. So first of all, we need better surveillance. We need surveillance everywhere in the world, and that's why we don't want to have another outbreak like in West Africa with Ebola. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov23.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..cbedececfdab4b01cfc9cdb1655b4070ab5ceee7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +You want to have a resilient health system in every country that reaches out to the periphery. And that's an important priority. We're doing pretty good with immunization. We've reached 90 percent of the kids of the world with at least one dose of routine vaccine. That's the best of health interventions. But we need to reach that last 10 percent and put that health system in place. Then we need to have a different view. We need to start working, where are our likely hot spots? It's where we're cutting down forest. It's in urban slums, where there's density of populations. It's with climate change and movement of different vectors. And what we need to do is use predictive science, and that's where big data can help, that's where AI can help in terms of trying to do that. And we need to have a one-health approach, because we tend to think of animal diseases -- and by the way, people have worked on coronavirus vaccines for animals, because they also cause disease there -- we need to make sure that the scientists working on veterinary vaccines are connected to humans, are thinking about those whole ecosystem. And we need to invest in that. And unfortunately, after an epidemic, everybody wants to invest, and they say, "Whatever it takes," and then we move to on other things, and investments go down. What's different about the military is that there is a baseline of investment that goes on all the time and nobody questions that. It continues, and that level of preparedness seems to be there. Bill Gates in his talk in TED, when we did that back-to-back, said, look, the military are doing war games, they're constantly testing, they have all this preparatory activities. Why are we not doing that in diseases? And, as you know, since then, there has been some war games, and they've basically said we weren't prepared, and I think we're seeing now that, in fact, we're not as prepared as we could be. So my hope, the silver lining would be that we prepare for the next big outbreak, because it's absolutely evolutionarily certain we will continue to have outbreaks. The question is: How prepared are we to deal with those? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov24.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..72e839f6f9039f73fba0113e8e4216f6a2ce6d3a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +As we wait for a vaccine, are there other interventions that could be made, for example, the serum from people who have been infected and have recovered? +So, that technique has been used in other infectious diseases and throughout history and even in Ebola recently. That's something that could potentially be done. Of course, today, it's more attractive if you can make antibodies in the laboratory and then have those available at scale and use those, and I know of a lot of companies that are working on producing those antibodies, which could be infused in an emergency situation, and do that. Obviously, drugs may play an important role here. There's a similar effort to try to create drugs that are active against this organism, and if we knew that you'd get sick but there was an effective treatment, that would also change a little bit of the dynamics of the fear that exists around this pandemic. So I think there are lots of interventions. Of course, traditionally, a preventive vaccine is the best way to deal with these types of epidemics. +So paint us it's the inner optimist in me, begging for something paint us the best case scenario, Seth. Lots of people are saying, we don't want to be huddled in our homes by ourselves for 18 months, lovely though the internet is. What's the best case scenario, putting all the pieces together here? +Well, I think what is likely to happen, but I don't want to predict, because we're in unprecedented times here. What's likely to happen is that countries who don't take this seriously will have severe outbreaks, those that really take it seriously and put these extraordinary mechanisms in place will control the disease. It'll take some time, it'll take -- you know, this is weeks, maybe months, not years, to do that. And then you end up with a situation where the disease is controlled, and you then can go back to life as normal with some cautions around it you know. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov25.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..53fd55909021a97245f04aff7f08e93ef865a4d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Now there's beginning to be new tests that are going to be home tests. We're going to be able to figure out whether classrooms, regions, countries have disease. We can go back to some level of normalcy, but one thing that's really important is we can't have areas of the world with raging disease. So for example, if people said, "Oh, we're not worried about Africa, we're only worried about our countries," you might end up in a situation where you have large numbers of infections, the virus is mutating, it's actually adapting to humans. We saw some of that with SARS. And then it is easy to reintroduce. So what you want to do is dampen it down everywhere in the world. And maybe it'll burn out. Maybe that'll be it. I personally think we'll probably need a vaccine, but best case scenario is that those alone will stop the epidemic, and what we'll need is then a vaccine just in case it comes back, but of course if I was a betting man, I'd say let's get a vaccine as soon as possible, because that's the best way to control a viral infection, particularly one that is spread respiratorily. +Yeah. It's so interesting what you said there. Like, the vaccine doesn't know what continent it's on, what country it's in. It just does its thing. +That's correct. +So in terms of people listening here, what kind of psychological advice can you give them? What should expectations be? Like, do we have to be ready to settle in for the long haul here, or should we be looking forward to getting back to business around about Easter time and celebrating? +Well, again, I don't want to put a time line on it like others do. What you're going to want to see is that bending of the curve. I think Bill talked about this. You want the reproductive rate below one. You want to get it way below one if you can, and then to begin to see the disease spread. And what you don't want to do is, in the middle of that, jump out and start having parties. It's not time to go on spring break and start mixing again. But with careful control, you can begin to release the controls if that's what science shows us. And I think the most important thing here is we need the data to tell us that. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov26.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f53ce026771db21d68e74f44487adaad802eb753 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +That's why testing is so important. With the wide availability of testing, we'll be able to keep tabs, know what's happening. We'll know how many people are asymptomatic, what's happened. We'll know where there are hot communities, and we'll be able to deal with this, is my prediction. So I don't think this is over a very, very long time, but I wouldn't rush it during this unprecedented moment. Otherwise, we're going to end up seeing what we saw in Italy. What we're seeing in New York right now is the overwhelming of the health system. +Yeah, no kidding. New York is a scary place right now. I was out walking today. I hope that was OK. But there was no one. There was no one. Like, you couldn't get within six feet of someone if you tried right now, on the busiest walk spots. That was nice to see, but man, it's startling. +I mean, recent data has shown that droplets can spread the disease, and so people are rightfully being cautious. And we didn't know that. You remember when we started, we said it's a point outbreak, out of Wuhan, wet market, you had to be in the market to get the disease. Then it was, if you were with sick people, you got the disease. Then it was maybe asymptomatics. I think as we understand better, that gives us the tools to do the right thing. +There's a debate out there that seems to be growing again about masks. The East and West take very different advice on masks. We were hearing from Gary Liu yesterday that everyone in Hong Kong and China is basically wearing masks, and arguably, that has been effective. The advice in the West against not wearing masks -- how much of that has been driven by just the fact that there's a shortage of masks and that if anyone needs to wear them, it's medical professionals? If it's water droplets, it seems like masks could be effective in prevention. +I mean, the most important intervention, as you know, is some isolation and very careful handwashing or use of sanitizers. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov27.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov27.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..72ea32ab0fed95b3dac0a9f6a7c0a491ff672689 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Because what happens is, you touch your face I forget the number, I think it's like every one to two minutes and you touch your eyes, so if you reach a door handle or you have contact with a surface, and we know the virus can live on those surfaces, and then you touch your face, touch your mouth, touch your nose, you can spread it. So the purpose of a mask for a person who is not infected is not so much to keep them from getting infected. It is to keep them from touching their face. So I think what's interesting here is, how do we get people to have this personal sanitation? If we have unlimited quantities of masks, people want to do it as a way to remind themselves not to touch their face. Now, that's very different if you're infected, because if you're coughing, having a mask on does reduce the spread of droplets, and that's why they recommend it in a situation where somebody is infected and has to go to the hospital or has to go out and be seen. +Yeah, I was touching my face all through the Bill Gates interview, apparently, and I got called to task by our online friends, which was very nice. I don't know if I've been doing that today. It's funny, you're unconscious of it. It's weird. +Yes. No, it's automatic. And in fact, there was a WHO challenge for safe handwashing, and I did a video, and I left my water running while I did it, and my friends in the developing world came to me and said, you know, I live in Switzerland by a lake where we have a lot of water, and I wasn't careful, and they were absolutely right. So it's really good we correct each other, that's an important point, and help each other in doing this to get us to be as compliant as we possibly can for these issues. Whitney. +Yep. So feedback online is overwhelmingly positive. You're really answering all of everyone's questions out there, and people really appreciate what you're sharing, Seth. I think one big question is just for folks who are watching from home and maybe who are not part of your community in terms of the science community. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov28.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov28.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e97b97fa4bfa42a505706da5056b6be845faf46b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +How can they contribute to this global response effort? How can they do something to advance this? +That's a great question. So first of all, I think it's really important that citizens support leaders who are following science, are using science, because, as you know, sometimes political leaders say, "Well, I don't want to do this because it's not good for my image or it's not good for the economy or it's not good for whatever." And I think you want to have all of your decisions taken by science, understanding that they're not the best science. So, citizens need to applaud, even if it's a tough decision that politicians take for the good based upon science, that's a good thing. The second thing that really would be helpful is this concept: How do we keep our world focused on the fact that these epidemics will occur? Another example I didn't answer, which Chris, when he asked me about what could be done, we talked about this idea of platform technologies. These are vaccines that you can test, get them all ready, and then, when a new organism occurs, you can put it in there and you know how to manufacture it, how to scale it up. These types of things can be done. CEPI is trying to do that now. But the challenge is, if we, a year after this, go down to having no money available for these types of issues, that will be a problem. So what you need is citizens to say, "I understand now that health is precious, and I want my government, my leaders to invest in this, in the science, in the ways of working so that we will be as safe as we can be going forward." And I think I can't emphasize enough how important a message that is for citizens everywhere in the world. +Mmm. Hey Whitney, stay on as we wrap up here. I guess what I'd like to give you a chance to do, Seth, as we wrap this up is just to look at the camera and make your call to the world's leaders, companies, politicians, scientists, citizens. How do we move forward? How would you wrap this up? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedCov29.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov29.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..207fdc70aea539d14ebfc7935c614c6a23e8b6ed --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedCov29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So from my perspective, what we need is the world to come together at this moment, not to talk about our national programs, not to talk about our science are the best, and they may be the best, but how do we, as a world, pool our best science, our best resources, our best ways of working, our best manufacturing, our best clinical trials, to move this forward as fast as possible? The WHO is a global organization whose job is this normative function, and we can get scientists to help them make sure that the normative function is as strong as it can be. We can get the leaders of the world to come together and put the resources in place. Given the cost it's having on the economy, this will be a real bargain to invest in it. But what we need is to have that mindset of having science drive us and to make sure that we have no barriers in stopping that science going forward. That's my request to the world, and I think we can do it, and if we do that, we will end up seeing the power of science, which will give us the tools we need to either stop it hopefully, it'll be stopped by then but stop it and then prepare us for the next one. +Mmm. Powerfully said. I have to say, Seth, it's incredibly encouraging to know that there are people like you out there in the trenches, trying to coordinate this immense and crucial effort on behalf of all of us, and also that there's an organization out there, that your organization is tasked to carry any effective vaccine to the many billions of people who may live in countries that can't afford to pay the same prices that the West can pay. That's really cool that you're doing that, and thank you so much for explaining so clearly to us what the situation is. I guess I speak for the majority of people listening to say all power to you with pulling these threads together. Thank you, Seth. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG01.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ce2d29687de202333148a5f7fe3cb4c079597721 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG01.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I have been, and I think you would have to be either a sociopath or totally enlightened not to be feeling anxiety at a moment like this. So I would say that the first thing that I would want to encourage everybody to do is to give themselves a measure of mercy and compassion for the difficult emotions that you're feeling right now. They're extremely understandable. I think sometimes our emotions about our emotions become a bigger problem, so if you're feeling frightened and anxious, and then you're layering shame on top of that because you feel like you should be handling it better, or you should be doing your isolation better, or you should be creating more while you're alone, or you should be serving the world in some better way, now you've just multiplied the suffering, right? So I think that the antidote for that, first of all, is just a really warm, loving dose of compassion and mercy towards yourself, because if you're in anxiety, you're a person who is suffering right now, and that deserves a show of mercy. The second thing that I would say about anxiety is this, that here's what I think is the central paradox of the human emotional landscape that I'm finding particularly fascinating right this moment, and it's really come to light for me. So there are these two aspects of humanity that don't match -- hence the word paradox -- but they really define us. And the first is that there is no species on earth more anxious than humans. It's a hallmark of our species, because we have the ability slash curse to imagine a future. And also, once you've lived on earth for a little while, you have the experience to recognize this terrifying piece of information, which is that literally anything can happen at literally any moment to literally any person. And because we have these vast, rich, colorful imaginations, we can see all sorts of terrifying movies in our heads about all of the possibilities and all of the scariest things that could occur. And actually, one of the scariest things that could occur is occurring. It's something that people have imagined in fiction and imagined in science, and it's actually happening right now, so that's quite terrifying. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG02.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..03166bc3eee86f79cd1a5aa5908711ddd3fabbb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +The paradox is that, in that level, we're very bad, emotionally, at fear and anxiety, because we stir ourselves up to a very heated degree because of our imaginations about how horrible it can get, and it get can get very horrible, but we can imagine it even worse. +The paradox is that we're also the most capable, resourceful and resilient species that has ever lived on earth. So history has shown that when change comes to humanity -- either on the global level, like it's happening now, or on the personal level -- we're really good at it. We're really good at adaptation. And I think that if we can remember that, it can help to actually mitigate the fear. And you can remember it in a historical perspective, by looking at what humanity has gone through, and what we have not only survived but figured out how to thrive through. And you can also look at it at a personal level, where you can make an inventory of what you yourself have survived, and notice, as I often notice, my panic and my anxiety about the imagined future is deadly on my nervous system, but I actually have discovered that when there's an actual emergency in the moment, I tend to be pretty good at it. And I think most of us are like that. You'll see that repeated in history in so many examples. I think about those heartbreaking and devastating phone messages that people were leaving for their loved ones from the towers on September 11th, and you can hear the calm, the calm in peoples' voices. The biggest emergency ever was happening, and in that moment, intuition told them what to do. The important thing to do now is to make this phone call. And I think if you can trust that when the point of emergency actually arrives, you'll be able to meet it, and then when the world changes, you'll be able to adapt to it -- it certainly helps me calm down. +I mean, I guess there's a reason why fear is there. It didn't just evolve by accident. It's supposed to direct our behavior and help us avoid danger, and it's just that sometimes, it gets out of control and actually gets in our way and damages us. I mean, any specific advice on how someone could turn their fear into something useful, at this moment? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG03.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4930927c5f82fc3368772671ea281c1b623b4f9f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG03.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Can I tell you a story that I'm using as a touchstone for myself right now and drawing wonder and inspiration from? So, some of you may have heard of a young woman named Amanda Eller. She was in the news recently, because she got lost in Hawaii in the wilderness for 17 days, and there was a massive, massive hunt for her, because she had left her car, she'd gone for a simple hike, had left her phone in her car, went up into the woods, took a wrong turn, and then had this disastrous 17 days, fell off a cliff, broke her leg, walked for 40 miles on a broken knee, lost her shoes in a flash flood. She had to sleep packed in mud in order to protect herself from the cold and the mosquitoes. She was eating moths. I mean, just a harrowing story of survival. I met her recently, and she was so lit and radiant with this kind of serenity and this kind of wonder and joy, and I said, "How are you like this? You went through one of the most traumatizing things that a person could go through." She said, "First of all, I discovered that I can survive anything," going back to this idea of how resourceful and adaptive humans actually are. But the piece of her story that I am using like a life raft right now is that she said, on her second day in the jungle, when she realized that she was truly and very much in trouble -- she'd already spent one night in the woods and she was completely lost and she was totally alone and no one knew where she was, and she was full of terror she said she closed her eyes and she prayed or asked or requested, she made a wish to herself, to consciousness, to the universe, and she said, "Please take my fear away, and when I open my eyes, have it be gone, and have it be gone and have it not come back." And she opened her eyes, and it was gone, and it was replaced by intuition. And I think intuition is a little bit the opposite of fear, because fear is the terror that you feel about a frightening imagined future. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG04.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..295d6cc5f1786ed17d0e0183045869b58e5b21b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Intuition can only happen when you're in the moment. And so, from that point forward, she did not experience fear for the rest of the time she was in the woods. She just was guided by some deep intuitive sense, located somewhere between her sternum and her navel, and in every moment, she would ask it, "Right or left?" "Up or down?" "Eat this? Don't eat this?" And just trust it. Complete, absolute surrender to the intuition of the moment. And she said it hasn't returned, the fear hasn't returned, and she still guides her life that way. So it's a return to some sense that there's a navigational system within you that will, if you stay present in this actual moment, tell you what to do one moment to the next. Now, if you want to suffer, pop out of the moment and imagine a future, and then you can suffer indefinitely. So it is almost like a spiritual or meditation practice, and anybody out there who's done any spiritual or meditation practices, this is what you were practicing for. You were practicing for this moment, and those of you who haven't tried that, this might be a really to be centered in the instant. +Wow, that's a remarkable story, and I guess what I'm hearing is two things. It's one, just the reaching out to the universe there, but specifically, there was a decision to let go of the future and just to focus on the moment. +That's it, yeah. Nothing will bring you more pain than the future, and what I'm seeing happening right now I said this to you the other day, Chris -- is there's a relatively small percentage of the population who will suffer physically from this disease, and there's a larger percentage who are going to suffer economically from it. But then there's this massive, uncountable number of people who will and are suffering from it emotionally, and right now, those people are my concern, because they're really in pain, and there's millions and millions of them. +So you're living there by yourself, Liz, and many others are in that same circumstance right now. I suspect some are feeling, like, crushing loneliness. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG05.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..182c7dec711ceacb1b04147dc528b50b38fa1b19 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG05.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Talk about that. How do you handle loneliness in a situation like this, when it's so alien to everything that we as a social species are usually about? We crave other people. We crave touch. We crave hugs. We want to be there with people. How can we avoid this being a period of crushing loneliness? I don't think you can avoid it, but I think you can walk toward it. And I think that, for me, I've deliberately, many times in my life, gone off into isolation in order to face those things. I've gone on long meditation retreats. This year, I was in India, and I spent 17 days alone with no contact with anybody, which was a weird practice run for what's happening right now. And as I see people really losing it and feeling like they're crawling out of their skin, either from anxiety, fear, boredom, anger, blame, loneliness, depression, all of these things that come up when you are forced to just be in your own presence. I know all of those feelings because, as a meditator, I've experienced all of those, in stillness. The hardest person in the entire world to be with is yourself, and so the only way that I learned, as a meditator, to be able to survive and endure my own company was with universal human compassion toward me, and to recognize that this is a person who is suffering right now from loneliness, and this person needs kindness from self towards self. And it's a very high teaching, but I think that it's a very interesting moment to practice that. And so what I would suggest to people and again, this takes a certain amount of resolve and it takes a certain amount of curiosity about learning more about the human experience what I'm seeing people do is people are spinning away from that isolation because they're so terrified of it. What happened with the world right now is that basically all of our pacifiers were yanked out of our mouths. Everything that we ever can do and reach for that can get us out of having to be in the existential crisis of being alone with ourselves was taken away. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG06.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..f1b8be9ea8975dc395a3958723c5305c4728196f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +And I see people rushing to fill it, I mean, constant Zoom meetings and constant parties online and constant interaction, and all of that is lovely, but from a spiritual and psychological standpoint, from a creative standpoint, I would say if you have any curiosity about this, don't be in such a hurry to rush away from an experience that could actually transform your life. I think sometimes the experiences that can transform us the most intimately are the ones that we want to run away from, and I think of a story that the Dalai Lama told about one of his teachers. When the Chinese invaded Tibet, and all the monks were running into India for safety, one of his teachers, who was one of the great masters, the last glimpse that the Dalai Lama had of him was that he was walking into China very patiently and very slowly, toward it. Everybody else was running away from it he was walking toward it, and I think there's a level at which first responders do that, and in the real world, in an intimate way, they go into the emergency, they go toward the emergency. All the people who are trying to solve this now in worldly ways are walking toward the emergency. But there's a way that you can do it emotionally as well and that is to walk with curiosity and with an open mind toward your most difficult and painful emotions without resistance, and say, "What is it like for a person to feel like they don't have something to do for an hour?" +And you can open up your compassion in that. There's so many lessons in compassion that can be found here. How about a general universal mercy that we can all feel toward people who are in solitary confinement. Let's have that be part of the conversation. Now you've experienced it for two days in your own house. Maybe it's time to change the prison system? You see how hard this is. Or you can have compassion toward people who have lost a loved one and they're alone. By feeling your own feelings, you can open up your feelings more universally toward the world. So I think there's a great opportunity here for growth on the personal level, but you have to have almost a whimsical curiosity to be the one walking into China rather than the one away from it. And that's how I'm doing it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG07.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..4f91c6b9f3a8a104d3ed14441c765c9066470bcf --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +So let's follow up on that word "curiosity" that you've used a few times there. I mean, a lot of wisdom that I've heard sort of thrown around online right now is, "This is a great time to follow your passion and dive deep into whatever it is you've most been wanting to do." I mean, in "Big Magic," you made an argument that following your passion isn't necessarily the wisest strategy. You argued, no, don't do that, follow curiosity. Does that apply now? Make that case. +Yeah, you know, I've been on a personal crusade to rid the world of the world "passion" as an instruction for people on how as they should be living, because I know that in my case, it brings me nothing but anxiety. "Purpose" is another one that has become a cudgel that we use to bludgeon ourselves into thinking that we're not doing enough or that we're doing life right or that you're supposed to be more useful, more productive, you're supposed to be changing the world, or uncovering some particular talent that only you have and with it, you're supposed to transform everybody and monetize it, no pressure. I start to get hives even repeating that, but that's what we've been taught, that purpose and passion are everything. I would like to replace it with a far gentler word, and I think "curiosity" is very gentle, because the stakes are so much lower. The stakes of passion say you have to shave your head and move to India and get rid of all your possessions and start up, like it's so intense. But curiosity is a very simple, universal experience that causes you to want to look at something just a tiny bit closer, and you don't have to change your life around it. You just look, and it might be taking a weekend to try something new for a little while. It's almost so easily missed, and I think so many times, we're looking way up at the sky for the sign from God of what our passion and what our purpose is supposed to be, and meanwhile, there's this lovely little trail of breadcrumbs of curiosity that if you can slow down -- and again, this is about not rushing out of the experience of being silent, still and alone if you can slow down, you might be able to see them. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG08.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a83167d7a70eaf8b1c5dd17083f3b9356166d86b --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +But if I could say one thing I'm noticing is an obstacle right now because I think a lot of people thought, "Isolation, great, this is the perfect time for me to learn Italian and take that calligraphy class and start writing that novel," and they find that they're actually in a paralysis of anxiety and they're not creating anything or doing anything. First of all, again, like, a blanket of mercy on you. These are hard times, and it might take you a minute in your nervous system and your mind to adjust to the new reality. But the second thing I would say is that when people are saying they're having trouble with their creativity because they're in isolation, I might daringly suggest that perhaps you're not in enough isolation. And by that I mean, are you monitoring how much external stimulus you're bringing of this disaster into your home? So if you're sitting watching the news all day, what you're doing is you're bringing the disaster into your work space. You're bringing it into your soul. You're bringing it into your mind. And you're going to create the opposite of a creative environment, an environment of fear, panic and urgency. So I think if you're going to be a good steward of your creativity right now, you have to isolate a little bit from the news. And that doesn't mean disconnecting, it means I get up every morning and after I've meditated, I read the New York Times and I give myself 40 minutes with it, and then that's it for the day, because I know that if I bring in any more, I'm going to go into a traumatized state and then I won't be able to follow my intuition, I won't be able to help people, because I myself will be suffering, and I won't be able to be present for this very interesting moment in my life and in history, and I want to remain present for it as much as I can. So there's a discipline of being a good steward of your senses and deciding what you're going to put your senses in front of. +Helen. Liz, there's an outpouring on Facebook of gratitude for you. People are so grateful, and grateful for the calm that you are instilling in us all, so thank you, from them and from me. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG09.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..df75ea9168990a080d3411111b1efa9e93f14d8c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG09.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +We've also had a number of questions about grief. We're kind of dealing with grief at a different scale at the moment. One person has already lost five people to coronavirus. And so any thoughts of how to manage grief at this scale or how to process this in a way that honors both them and yourself? First of all, my condolences. And I think any words that I would say about somebody who just lost five family members could only be inadequate. Grief is bigger than us. It's bigger than your efforts to manage it, and if you want to hold yourself and your family members compassionately through grief, you have to allow that it cannot be managed. And I think that grief management is something that we've kind of created in our very Western idea that if we can figure out something, we can avoid suffering from it, so if we can figure out how to translate grief and if we can figure out how to walk through grief, then we won't have to experience the magnitude of it. Many of you know that I lost the love of my life two years ago from pancreatic and liver cancer, and I was with her when she died, and I've been walking through my own path of grief, so I know what it feels like to lose the person in the world who is the most important to you, which is of course the biggest fear that we all have. I know that you can survive it, but I know that you survive it by allowing yourself to feel it. And again, to go back to the metaphor of the monk walking directly into China, into conflict rather than away from it, do you have the courage to let it break over you like waves? I wish I could remember her name. There's this extraordinary woman who wrote a book called "Here If I Need You," and she's a chaplain for the police department in Maine, and she's in charge of knocking on people's doors and giving them the worst news they're ever going to hear in their life, when she goes with the police when something happens. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG10.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..caf3d41bc47f17d893ec153ffa633ece17166f30 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +And she told a story once that I found very moving and very helpful for me in my grief. She said what she'd witnessed through years and years of sitting with people through what is literally the worst moment of their life, the nightmare of that loss, is that when she knocks on that door and tells that person, your daughter, your family member, your husband, your mother has been killed, there's this universal collapse where the person will just be -- it is the tidal wave that comes and just takes you down and you lose all civilization, you lose all your attainments, all your wisdom. Nothing can stand up to that. You literally go to the floor. And you sob and you grieve, and she holds them through that. And then she said that what she's learned is the most astonishing thing, that that never lasts more than a half an hour, that first wave. It can't. You actually physiologically can't sustain that, and if you let it break over you and you just allow it, then within a half an hour, usually sooner and she said this has happened every single time she's been with somebody with a loved one's death the very next thing that happens is that that person calms down, they catch a breath, and the next question they ask is a very reasonable question. "Where is the body? What do we do next? When can we have the funeral? Who else was in the car?" And with that question, she says, they start to rebuild their new life already with this new piece of information that even an hour ago would have seemed unsurvivable. And she uses that as an example of, once again, the tremendous psychological resilience of a human being. And it doesn't mean that they will never grieve again. It doesn't mean that their grieving journey is over. It just means that, somewhere in their mind, that it's landed, and now, already, they're making a plan about, "OK, who do we need to notify, what's the next thing we need to do." +And again, if you can remember this as you go through your panic, if you can remember that in the moment of emergency, there will be an intuitive, deep sense that will tell you there's going to be some next steps and it's time for us to take those next steps. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG11.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3e22e8e51f6f3da3de789cdfe8446c92edd6d36e --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +And if you can also remember that resilience is our shared genetic and psychological inheritance -- we are, each and every one of us, no matter how anxious you feel you are, no matter how ridden by fear you feel you are, every single one of us is the genetic survivor of hundreds of thousands of years of survivors. Each one of us came from a line of people who made the next correct intuitive move, survived incredibly difficult things, and were able to pass their genes on. So almost to the biological level, you can relax into a trust that when the moment comes where you will be faced with the biggest challenge, you will be able to draw on a deep reservoir of shared human consciousness that will say, "Now it's time to make the next move, and we can do this." +So beautiful. So many more questions. I will be back. +Thanks, Helen. Thank you, Liz. I think the author's name was Kate Braestrup. +That's it. +I guess that's a book, if you need a book right now, "Here If You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. +Very good, yeah. +Liz, you and I got to have a conversation a few months after Rayya passed away. It was actually the first-ever episode of the TED Interview podcast we did. And I found that it was probably my favorite episode ever of the TED Interview. And it was so moving how you spoke about your grief then. And I feel like that's a potential resource to people. I know we were both sitting there shedding tears, and I found that an extraordinary experience personally, to be sure. But somehow in this moment, if you follow this journey of curiosity, if you walk towards some of the harder moments, do you think that this actually can be a creative time for people if they're willing to do that? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG12.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..2e11eb04490fd5984901f48cc6ffe95a709875b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Absolutely, and I don't think creativity in this case has to necessarily mean that you write the Great American Novel or start that business you always intended to start. It doesn't need to be so literal. We're going to be creating new worlds and new lives on the other side of this, and we're going to be doing that individually and we're going to be doing that collectively. I think of the shoots of small trees that can only come up after massive forest fires, where seed pods have to explode under great heat. We're in a kind of crucible moment right now, and I wouldn't begin to have the hubris to predict what sort of creativity will come, but look, if history is any measure, what we'll probably see is people at their best and people at their worst. But I think we'll see more of people at their best, because that's typically how it works. +I mean, your model of how creativity happens is that it doesn't all come from within. It's not like you have to sit there, saying, "OK, this is my moment to be creative. Come on. Be creative. Be creative." It involves, fundamentally, an openness to something coming to you, to be open, to be curious, listening, but then just to be open to that moment. Perhaps that could apply even more now than ever, just because we have this huge distraction of the news, some other distractions are taken away. Is there a chance that if people listened, they actually can receive more at this moment? +I think so, and I think, again, if you stop thinking about your self-isolation and your social distancing as quarantine and you start thinking of it as a retreat, you'll find that you can't really tell the difference between quarantine and retreat. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG13.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..17bc994f15df468f15df94d66ca8019f6f3df930 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +You know, a lot of you out there have dreamed, I've heard you, because I talked about going to India to an ashram for four months and God, I can't tell you how many people I've heard say, "I wish I could do that." I'm like, "Well, you got it." And by the way, this is what it felt like. This is what it felt like to learn how to be present with yourself. I think my screen needs to move a bit. To learn how to be present with yourself means sitting in a lot of terror, sitting in a lot of anxiety, sitting in a lot of fear, sitting in a lot of shame, and being able to allow that without having to resist it, without having to reach outside yourself for something to numb yourself with. +I also want to tell a story that a friend of mine, Martha Beck, told me about when she goes to South Africa and teaches animal-tracking courses. And she works with all these great African animal trackers, and these old men who have had these skills passed down for generations. And she was using it as an example of the difference between focus and openness. So I think sometimes the mistake people make when they want to be creative is they think they have to get really focused, and focus is an anxiety-producing energy as well. You've got to drill down and you feel your whole body tense. But what she described witnessing in these animal trackers is when they go out to hunt the lions, these old, old men, the very first thing they do is they sit down against a tree and they appear to go to sleep. They drop into a state that she calls and that the mystics call "wordless oneness." And wordless oneness, you can also call meditation. You can also call it the zone. But it's a stillness where you actually can drop your nervous system into such a quiet place that you have 360-degree awareness of your senses and of presence. And they'll sit like that, apparently doing nothing, for an extremely long time, just looking through half-lidded eyes at the world. And then, maybe an hour, two hours in, all of the sudden, they'll say, "The lion's over there." \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG14.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8aa24d9690a2cfb2d9f5ea27dd09f78f2fbf755a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +And so for me, I've learned to hold my creative wishes lightly in that same way. I'm between books right now and I don't have an idea for a book and in the past, that would have made me really anxious, but now I know take a lot of naps, go for a lot of walks, do a lot of drawings. I'm doing weird little art projects as I'm sitting here, to distract my mind. +Wait, wait. Bring that back. Hold that up. Owls. Aww. Aren't they dear? They're beautiful. Goodness me. Well, I'm just playing with color and texture because it calms me, and I think if you can't think of what to do right now, I would suggest doing what you used to do when you were 10 years old that made you feel happy and relaxed, and that's often creativity and play. And for many of us who were anxious children and I was an anxious child we learned at an early age that we could sedate ourselves with our curiosity and with our play, and then, usually around adolescence, the world taught us that there were faster and more immediate ways to bump out of that anxiety through sex or substances or distraction or workaholism or whatever we did and not have to sit with ourselves. And I think right now is a really good opportunity you actually were on the right track when you were 10, whatever it was. So, you know, get some LEGOs. Get some LEGOs, get some coloring books, just get your hands in the mud, do whatever it is that will actually ground you into this, again, to take you out of the futurizing and the future-tripping that's going to cause you nothing but anxiety and not going to make you be of service. +There's such a thing, too, that I just want to touch on if I can, for a minute, about empathetic overload and empathetic meltdown. We're taught that empathy is a good thing. I would suggest that in a case this traumatic, what you want to talk about replacing empathy with is compassion, and the difference is extremely important. So compassion means "I'm actually not suffering right now, you are, I see your suffering, and I want to help you." That's what compassion is. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG15.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a2f2761de9a750198eb930121ea2d3079d722142 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG15.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Empathy is "You're suffering, and now I'm suffering because you're suffering." So now we have two people suffering and nobody who can serve, and nobody who can be of help, and if you knew how your empathetic suffering actually makes you into another patient who needs assistance, you would be more willing to dip into compassion. And what underlies compassion is the virtual courage, the courage to be able to sit with and witness somebody else's pain without inhabiting it yourself so much that you become another person who is suffering and now, there are no helpers. And it takes an enormous amount of courage to be able to watch that without diving into it and joining it and becoming sick yourself. I mean, if empathy is just a feeling, does compassion, your use of compassion imply that it's turning that feeling into something potentially practical to actually do something, if you can, for that person? It's recognizing that if I feel your pain, I can't help you in your pain, because now my pain has taken over me, and sometimes, I think all you need to do is know that and it makes you turn the ship. Right? One of my favorite teachers, Byron Katie, says, "My favorite thing about my suffering is that it isn't yours." "My favorite thing about my suffering is that it isn't yours. My favorite thing about your suffering is that it isn't mine." So it will be, eventually, we all take a turn suffering. You cannot move through this earth without it. When it's your turn, you'll know. When it's not your turn, stay out of that field of somebody else's pain, because you can't help them when you're in pain yourself. And then see if you can find the inner resolve and courage. And I think some of that is just based on accepting the Buddhist First Noble Truth, which is that suffering is an unavoidable aspect of life on earth. We're all going to be in it at some point. We've all been in it at some point. And now, how can I help? I'm not saying this is easy. I'm just saying, also, if you're suffering from empathetic overload and empathetic meltdown, which means your adrenals are up, your stress is up, your endorphins are down, you're going into a parasympathetic collapse. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG16.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6a21a8be75edc9c020548a39e867672814e1328a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +This would be another time to discipline yourself to stay away from the news, because you actually will have a breakdown, and you won't be able to help the people around you who are the people who need help. But have you seen any signs that if someone takes that empathy and compassion, let's say, and decides to act in some way, big or small, on behalf of someone, that actually shifts how they feel, that there's a healthiness to that? Or is that the language of just inducing more guilt in people? +No, I think there's a beautiful healthiness that can come from being of service, and that's also how I've been medicating my anxiety through this, by showing up in ways that I can with whatever resources I've got. Here's what you have to keep in mind, though, and this is what I keep reminding people. Right now, in my own personal sphere, there is more need than I have resources to fix. So I have to begin with that reality, and I have to have the courage to sit in that reality soberly and acknowledge that that's the case. The second thing I think emotional sobriety would require of me right now is to recognize that this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. And so the first week of the crisis, I had this deluge of all my really energized, let's-save-the-world friends, all my creative friends, everybody was e-mailing, texting, Zooming, and they all had a response. "Let's do this! Let's do this! Let's fix it this way!" And I found myself joining with some of them and not joining with others, just, again, based on my intuition, but I also found myself cautioning them, "Guys, this is a marathon." We're in mile one of what's going to be a very long marathon. So pace yourselves, and pace your resources. Don't overgive to the point where you collapse, because we're still going to need helpers two months from now, and we're still going to need helpers six months from now. And so, find a steady pace and be willing to be in it for the entire long haul. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG17.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d4189b35dcce1956a852439e9b5a72afa8721120 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Yeah. Helen. Such great advice, Liz, and so many questions pouring in. One of them is from a therapist who confesses that she, and many of her clients, are having trouble with the letting go of control in this moment, and wonders if you have any advice on how to let go of control in order to be willing to feel everything that we're enduring. +Just this, this sense that you had that you had control was a myth to begin with. And that may not be comforting, except that I find it very comforting. You know, control is an illusion, and there are times where we're able to fool ourselves because we're so good at technology, we're so good at creating safe worlds where we're able to trick ourselves into believing that we're in control of any of this. But we're not, and the paradox, for me, of surrender is how relaxing it is. Nobody ever wants to surrender, because nobody wants to lose control, but if you recognize that you never had control, all you ever had was anxiety, and then you let go of the myth of control, you'll find that, I find that if I even say that sentence, "I'm losing control," and then I remind myself, "You never had control, all you had was anxiety, and that's what you're having right now." So you're not letting go of anything. Surrender means letting go of something you never even had. So there's an awakening that's happening right now, where what's happening is not that you're losing control. What's happening is that, for the first time, you're noticing that you never had it. And the world is doing its job. The job of the world is to change, constantly, and sometimes radically, and sometimes immediately, and it's doing its job, and that is also the norm of things. And again, we are adaptive and we're resilient and we can handle it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG18.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..88b8f722fc4755e69a58e2b8d32051146b390b6f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +But I don't kid myself for a minute to think that I'm in control of anything that's ever happening. My realm of control is extremely small. It's usually about, like, might be able to go get a glass of water right now. Like, there's not a lot that I'm in control of. And I'm actually I've ever been. +One more question from online, if I may, and then I will jump off again. You know, Chris, you and I, we're all in a pretty privileged position. TED has been able to go remote. We're able to work remotely. But many, many, many millions of people in the US and beyond are not able to do that, and people are really suffering. How can we help? What are your thoughts about people who are not able to socially distance, who are losing their jobs, the global catastrophe that is unveiling? How can we think about that in a humane and compassionate way? +It's crushing, and again, as with the same case of the person who said they had lost five family members, I can't, sitting in this position of comfort and safety, say anything that I think is going to be accurate and appropriate to that, other than to say that I just think of this Indian proverb that I keep going back to, which is, "I store my grain in the belly of my neighbor." Western, capitalistic society has taught and trained us to hoard long before this, long before this happened and people were hoarding toilet paper and canned goods. Advertising and the whole capitalist model has taught us scarcity, it's taught us that you have to be surrounded by abundance in order to safe. The disconnect between those who have and those who have not has never been bigger, and never in my lifetime, and probably in any of our lifetimes, has there been an invitation, again, to release the stranglehold on your hoarding. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG19.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1e9c3bca69b77923fadd57b6c83d8706f3480f17 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +This is not the time for hoarding. This is the time to store your grain in the belly of your neighbor, in a way that is emotionally sober and accurate to what you can give, and to look at that in a really honest way, to not put your own family in danger, to not put yourself in crisis, but to be able to say, "What can I offer in the immediacy?" And then, in the longer term, a conversation about redistribution of resources, and why do so few have so much and why do so many have so little? But that's not a conversation I can fix today. That's, again, outside of my realm of control. But what I can do is unleash the white-knuckled grip that I have on what's mine and make sure that I'm going into the world with an open hand again, not a panicked open hand, where I'm going to destroy myself to save somebody else, because then there will be no helper left, but in a reasonable way. I cannot save everybody. I can save a few. And that's the tragic, but, I think, sobering reality that I can offer right now, and again, underlying all of that, undergirding all of that is a recognition that anything that I have to say about people who are in extraordinary suffering right now is not enough. +I'll be back. Thank you. +Thanks. +Liz, talk to me a minute about anger. Like, I think a lot of, just from the conversation we just had, or just listening to you there, there are so many reasons to feel angry right now about what's going on. And part of me feels we should be. That's what anger is for. It's to highlight things that are unjust and unfair and that we must pay attention to, and yet part of me is honestly scared of it. I think there could be an eruption of anger that's dangerous, both personally and for society. Have you felt anger? What are you doing with it? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG20.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG20.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a29a32d0d52fd90ae70ca771bf24fa00d0d39799 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +I feel anger at every White House press conference, and I think all thinking people do. I feel angry that this wasn't taken more seriously early on. I feel angry at myself that I didn't take it more seriously early on. As much as I feel contempt and disgust for government officials who I feel were slow to recognize how serious this is, I also have to be really candid that three weeks ago, I was one of the people walking around saying, "Why is everybody overreacting to this so much?" So I think we also have to own our own piece of that, and I think there are rolling waves of awakening that are happening in people, and so a lot of the anger I feel right now is for people who aren't taking this seriously enough, who aren't quarantining themselves, who are putting other people in danger. But a month ago, that was me. I was in the Hong Kong airport, sallying through the Hong Kong airport while everybody was scurrying around in masks and gloves, and I was like, "What's the big deal?" It takes people as long as it takes them to come to awakening, and some people, we have to also acknowledge, never will. +Anger has its place, and I think that righteous anger, which is the kind of anger that says a violation has occurred here, a humanitarian violation is occurring here, can be very stirring for transformation. Again, it's how comfortable can you be, sitting with these discomforting emotions, and what are you going to do with your anger? +Umh. +Are you going to lash out at the people you're quarantined with? Are you going to go on Twitter rants? Is that useful? Is that productive? And so I think again, I keep using the words "emotional sobriety," \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG21.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG21.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3930281054d9cc18b7e0bd88a10a0b1e3baac266 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +But the emotional sobriety that would be required is to feel that anger, acknowledge it, to show yourself mercy for how uncomfortable it is, and then to steadily, recognizing, again, that this is a marathon not a sprint, do what you reasonably can do to change the situation. +I mean, the part of me that's constantly looking for the better narrative hopes that the anger we feel now could almost displace some of I mean, the world's been an angry place for the last couple years. There's been so much anger inflamed online. We've made each other angry, often, probably, unnecessarily outrage sparking outrage, disgust, etc. I mean, is there any hope that this is a massive societal shaking up? It's like, don't be so silly. Look at what actually matters here. And we can at least focus more attention onto the things that, yes, some things that we really should be angry about, but other things that maybe you know, could lead people to say human connection really matters in this moment. People from all sides, we need each other. We just have to use this as a moment when we come together. How do you think about that? Like, how do we turn some of these negative emotions into a force for good that at least gives us some permission to hope that something special comes out of all this. +Well, I think you have to give yourself permission to hope, and I don't think it's unreasonable to give yourself permission to hope, because, again, our resilience, our resourcefulness, and the way that history has shown how catastrophe can lead to transformation, gives us, actually, I think, reasonable cause to hope. One thing that I'm noticing that I'm, like, a little bit amused by is that when people start predicting what the post-pandemic world is going to be, I notice that their predictions seem to be, suspiciously, in exact alignment with their personal worldview. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG22.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG22.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ff139164b392e8e670a4fac980e91965d4ba0427 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +So my friends who are utopians are already living in this utopian future where this is going to be the big change. My friends who are dystopians are already predicting that this is the official beginning of the police state and the disastrous new world order. I think there's a lot of hubris in trying to imagine what that new world could be. A quote that I love that a friend of mine always says is "When people aren't busy being the worst, they're the best." And I think that gives me hope. And it's true the other way, too. When people aren't busy being the best, they're the worst. +I'm terrible at social engineering, Chris, and you know this, and you have great, better minds than mine who can come on and talk about this on the global scale. The only world that I have a really intimate, familiar engagement with is this one, and on the individual level, what I understand is that the only world that any of us are ever going to live in is this one. And so minding this, and learning how to calm this, how to open this, how to get on the other side of the emotions that are causing harm to you and others, that's my work, you know? Personally, whatever role I have in the public sphere. +You're an extraordinary storyteller and you already told us one amazing story earlier on. Have you come across any other recent stories that have given you reason for hope, perhaps? +Well, I'll give you one, and this one, I delight in. Years ago, 20 years ago in New York City 30 years ago, I was in my 20s I was friends with a woman named Winifred, who was in her 90s. She was this really cool West Village bohemian artist who had lived in Greenwich Village for her entire life, had had a very storied and checkered and wild life, surrounding herself with intellectuals and poets and artists and adventure, and she'd had a lot of loss and a lot of gain, and she was this extremely passionate person who had friends of all ages, which was something I admired about her. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG23.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG23.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a66f03855a0623aa44af3947e1eaa33232334d63 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG23.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +I was friends with her. I was 25, she was 95. But I would call her my very good friend, and she had a lot of friends. She was so open to everything. And at her 95th birthday party, I asked her, "What have you learned, more than anything else?" Because she was such a creature of learning. I wrote about her in "Big Magic." I said to her one time, "What's your favorite book that you've ever read?" And she said, "I can't say my favorite book because there's been so many, but I can tell you my favorite subject, the history of ancient Mesopotamia, which I started learning when I was 80 and it changed my life." And it did. She'd gone on these expeditions to Jordan and Iraq. She was just so full of living, you know? And I said to her, "What have you learned in all of your experiences? What is the most central thing that you've learned?" And she said, "Human beings can adapt to anything. Human beings can adapt to absolutely anything." And then she said this great line: "If Martians landed on Earth tomorrow, it would be off the front pages of the newspaper by next Tuesday. We would already be used to it." Right? And there's a level at which I'm seeing this adaptation happening. And that is both a good and a bad thing. Right? We can get used to totalitarianism, but we can also get used to I've gotten used to a world without the love of my life in it. We can adapt. And I keep using that line as a touchstone for myself, because I don't know, nor do I presume to know, what the world is going to be after this. I know that it will be different from the one before. I also just have to point out that all y'all had a lot of complaints about the world we had before, and I do a lot of talking, I do a lot of going around the world, and I don't remember any one of you raising your hand in any of the seminars I've taught over the last years, and saying, "We are living in a golden age and I'm so grateful and appreciative for all that I have," now you want that world back, right? So let's actually remember that as we go forward, that this moment, for some of us, that we're in right now, might be one that we look back later and say, "Wow, actually, that was pretty good, and I didn't have any gratitude for it." \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG24.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG24.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8cdefcae5dc7b4f41c490610723e52e4584b1cae --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +So personally, I'm just hoping that at an intimate level and again, this is not a socioeconomic, global political level, but it's an invitation to actually be grateful for the safety that you have and the people that you have, and maybe carry that forward a little bit. Maybe. We're really good at forgetting. Once a crisis is over, we're really good at forgetting our gratitude. It's one of our great gifts. But you might want to make a note to actually try to be grateful for what you have. +Thank you, Liz. I think we have a last question from our online friends. +Yeah, what crisis, right? So Liz, just a request for a concrete strategy to try and reduce the fear or the shame that is coming at this moment. +I'll give you mine, and it may feel weird and out of reach and woo-woo, but I'm beyond that at this point, and it has been a game changer and a life changer for me. I have a 20-year-long practice of writing myself, every day, a letter from Love. Now this may not feel concrete. It may feel very airy. But what it does is that it helps me through my anxiety, and I need it every single day, because I'm anxious every single day. I wake up frightened every day. I wake up shamed every day. I wake up angry every day. All of the difficult emotions that run through the software of a human consciousness are running through my software all the time, and they cause me pain and they cause me fear, and they cause me distress, and they make me sick. So, 20 years ago, when I was going through a very bad divorce and a depression, I began this tactic, and the tactic is that I will sit down with a notebook and I will write to myself, from myself, a letter from Love. And what I mean by "Love" is not romantic love. It's the infinite, bottomlessly merciful source of all human compassion. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG25.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG25.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3fb7d2ed0765f367832bbcd48a5cec6cc009205a --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +And every single one of these letters begins the same way. It starts with me saying, "I need you." It's a dialogue. It starts with me saying, "I need you," and Love saying, "I'm right here." And then I say what I'm going through. "I'm really angry right now. I'm terrified. I'm spinning. I can't sleep. I'm anxious." And then I just allow to come through my hand whatever, if you could imagine the most loving, compassionate, merciful voice in the world, if they were in the room with you, what would you want them to say? And you say that to yourself. And so for me, that usually is a combination of these sorts of phrases: "I've got you. I'm right here. I see how distressed you are. It's all right. I don't need you to feel better." I think a lot of our anxiety is that we want to get out of that feeling as fast as we can, and what Love always says to me is, "It makes no difference to me whether you're anxious or afraid or angry or hurt. I'm with you, and I'll be with you through this entire thing for however long it takes. I'm not going anywhere. I've got nowhere better to be right now than sitting with you, loving you. I'll be with you at the moment of your death. I was here with you at the moment of your birth. There's nothing you can do to lose me. You can't fail. You can't do this wrong. You are infinitely, bottomlessly loved." And it's so interesting to me that the opposite of fear in my life, in my emotional landscape, on the color palette, the opposite of fear isn't courage, the opposite of fear is love. And that presence, a sense of, "I've got you," right? Which is the thing that we'd all want somebody to say. "I've got you, and it's going to be all right." I would love to know, neurologically, what actually happens in my mind when I do this, but what happens to me physiologically is that my mind, just hearing those words and seeing those words, settles, and then from there, I'm able to take the next intuitive right action the best that I can. +Liz, you can say no to this, it may be a totally inappropriate thing to ask, but you don't happen to have a letter from the last day or two that you'd consider reading, all or in part of? I don't know how long they are. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedEG26.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG26.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ff8c88ea09edb51ac1fa655b274960eedaa2f7ff --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedEG26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Let me see what we've got. Let's see. +OK, so here's one. So I was panicking because I want to offer my apartment in New York to a woman who is a COVID-19 nurse who's volunteered to come into New York City to help, and I'm afraid that I'll infect my neighbors if I let her come and stay there. So I was up in the middle of the night, thinking, ethically, is it appropriate for me to do this? So I wrote, "I need you." And Love said, "I'm right here." And then I said, "I want to offer that COVID-19 nurse my apartment, but I'm afraid that my neighbors will get infected, and I'm scared, and I don't know what the right move is. Help me." And Love said, "I don't actually know what the right answer to that is, but I'm with you." And I said, "But what do you think I should do?" And Love said, "Why don't you just sit with me right here for a minute and be with me and know that you're held no matter what, that you cannot make the wrong choice, that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. You're my beloved, I've got you. I can see how much you're spinning, I can see how tired you are, and it doesn't matter to me whether you make this decision in the next minute, in the next day, or not at all. I'm with you, and I'll sit with you through this entire thing, and I'll love you no matter what you decide to do at the end of this. I will be just as much with you at the end of this decision as am I with you now." And then, I said, "So what do you think I should do?" And Love says, "I think you should go get a glass of water, and I think you should lie down and get some rest, and we'll talk about it some more in the morning." What I have found over the years of writing myself these letters from Love is that Love never gives advice. This is actually really good for all of you who love to give unsolicited advice to people. Love never gives advice beyond, "Why don't you get a glass of water? Why don't you rest? We'll try this again tomorrow. You're doing your best, this is a hard time, and I've got you." So I've got 20 years of those journals, and I'm assuming that I'm going to need it for the rest of my life. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol01.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol01.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..c3c7667478e0743ebe8daf4c94bbb726f38be74f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol01.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +You know, the American dream has inspired millions of people around the world for many years. Today, I think, you can say that America is divided, perhaps more than ever, and the divisions seem to be getting worse. It's actually really hard for people on different sides to even have a conversation. People almost feel disgusted with each other. Some families can't even speak to each other right now. Our purpose in this dialogue today is to try to do something about that, to try to have a different kind of conversation, to do some listening, some thinking, some understanding. And I have two people with us to help us do that. +They're not going to come at this hammer and tong against each other. This is not like cable news. This is two people who have both spent a lot of their working life in the political center or right of the center. They've immersed themselves in conservative worldviews, if you like. They know that space very well. And we're going to explore together how to think about what is happening right now, and whether we can find new ways to bridge and just to have wiser, more connected conversations. +With me, first of all, Gretchen Carlson, who has spent a decade working at Fox News, hosting "Fox and Friends" and then "The Real Story," before taking a courageous stance in filing sexual harassment claims against Roger Ailes, which eventually led to his departure from Fox News. David Brooks, who has earned the wrath of many of The New York Times's left-leaning readers because of his conservative views, and more recently, perhaps, some of the right-leaning readers because of his criticism of some aspects of Trump. Yet, his columns are usually the top one, two or three most-read content of the day because they're brilliant, because they bring psychology and social science to providing understanding for what's going on. So without further ado, a huge welcome to Gretchen and David. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol02.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol02.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..3af10dc8d1f7262efc819a61a0673304bbaddc34 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol02.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Sixty-three million Americans voted for Donald Trump. Why did they do this? +There are a lot of reasons, in my mind, why it happened. I mean, I think it was a movement of sorts, but it started long ago. It didn't just happen overnight. "Anger" would be the first word that I would think of anger with nothing being done in Washington, anger about not being heard. I think there was a huge swath of the population that feels like Washington never listens to them, you know, a good part of the middle of America, not just the coasts, and he was somebody they felt was listening to their concerns. So I think those two issues would be the main reason. I have to throw in there also celebrity. I think that had a huge impact on Donald Trump becoming president. +Was the anger justified? +Yeah, I think so. In 2015 and early 2016, I wrote about 30 columns with the following theme: don't worry, Donald Trump will never be the Republican nominee. +And having done that and gotten that so wrong, I decided to spend the ensuing year just out in Trumpworld, and I found a lot of economic dislocation. I ran into a woman in West Virginia who was going to a funeral for her mom. She said, "The nice thing about being Catholic is we don't have to speak, and that's good, because we're not word people." That phrase rung in my head: word people. A lot of us in the TED community are word people, but if you're not, the economy has not been angled toward you, and so 11 million men, for example, are out of the labor force because those jobs are done away. A lot of social injury. You used to be able to say, "I'm not the richest person in the world, I'm not the most famous, but my neighbors can count on me and I get some dignity out of that." And because of celebritification or whatever, if you're not rich or famous, you feel invisible. And a lot of moral injury, sense of feeling betrayed, and frankly, in this country, we almost have one success story, which is you go to college, get a white-collar job, and you're a success, and if you don't fit in that formula, you feel like you're not respected. And so that accumulation of things and when I talked to Trump voters and still do, I found most of them completely realistic about his failings, but they said, this is my shot. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol03.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol03.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0e344feec8f0e78c893be3547b7d67c28c52466c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol03.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +And yet I predicted that he would be the nominee, because I've known him for 27 years. He's a master marketer, and one of the things he did extremely well that President Obama also did extremely well, was simplifying the message, simplifying down to phrases and to a populist message. Even if he can't achieve it, it sounded good. And many people latched on to that simplicity again. It's something they could grasp onto: "I get that. I want that. That sounds fantastic." And I remember when he used to come on my show originally, before "The Apprentice" was even "The Apprentice," and he'd say it was the number one show on TV. I'd say back to him, "No, it's not." And he would say, "Yes it is, Gretchen." And I would say, "No it's not." But people at home would see that, and they'd be like, "Wow, I should be watching the number one show on TV." And -- lo and behold -- it became the number one show on TV. So he had this, I've seen this ability in him to be the master marketer. +It's puzzling to a lot of people on the left that so many women voted for him, despite some of his comments. +I wrote a column about this for Time Motto, saying that I really believe that lot of people put on blinders, and maybe for the first time, some people decided that policies they believed in and being heard and not being invisible anymore was more important to them than the way in which he had acted or acts as a human. And so human dignity -- whether it would be the dust-up about the disabled reporter, or what happened in that audiotape with Billy Bush and the way in which he spoke about women -- they put that aside and pretended as if they hadn't seen that or heard that, because to them, policies were more important. +Right, so just because someone voted for Trump, it's not blind adherence to everything that he's said or stood for. +No. I heard a lot of people that would say to me, "Wow, I just wish he would shut up before the election. If he would just stay quiet, he'd get elected." \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol04.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol04.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5171c2d5a72b6e156027bf5ae1c263aac4a13f7c --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol04.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +And so, maybe for people on the left there's a trap there, to sort of despise or just be baffled by the support, assuming that it's for some of the unattractive features. Actually, maybe they're supporting him despite those, because they see something exciting. They see a man of action. They see the choking hold of government being thrown off in some way and they're excited by that. +But don't forget we saw that on the left as well Bernie Sanders. So this is one of the commonalities that I think we can talk about today, "The Year of the Outsider," David -- right? And even though Bernie Sanders has been in Congress for a long time, he was deemed an outsider this time. And so there was anger on the left as well, and so many people were in favor of Bernie Sanders. So I see it as a commonality. People who like Trump, people who like Bernie Sanders, they were liking different policies, but the underpinning was anger. +David, there's often this narrative, then, that the sole explanation for Trump's victory and his rise is his tapping into anger in a very visceral way. But you've written a bit about that it's actually more than that, that there's a worldview that's being worked on here. Could you talk about that? +I would say he understood what, frankly, I didn't, which is what debate we were having. And so I'd grown up starting with Reagan, and it was the big government versus small government debate. It was Barry Goldwater versus George McGovern, and that was the debate we had been having for a generation. It was: Democrats wanted to use government to enhance equality, Republicans wanted to limit government to enhance freedom. That was the debate. He understood what I think the two major parties did not, which was that's not the debate anymore. The debate is now open versus closed. On one side are those who have the tailwinds of globalization and the meritocracy blowing at their back, and they tend to favor open trade, open borders, open social mores, because there are so many opportunities. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol05.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol05.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..ea7a28596be3dc362705d85f8b637e645f70209f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol05.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +On the other side are those who feel the headwinds of globalization and the meritocracy just blasting in their faces, and they favor closed trade, closed borders, closed social mores, because they just want some security. And so he was right on that fundamental issue, and people were willing to overlook a lot to get there. And so he felt that sense of security. +We're speaking the morning after Trump's joint session speech. There are three traditional groups in the Republican Party. There are the foreign policies hawks who believe in America as global policeman. Trump totally repudiated that view. Second, there was the social conservatives who believed in religious liberty, pro-life, prayer in schools. He totally ignored that. There was not a single mention of a single social conservative issue. And then there were the fiscal hawks, the people who wanted to cut down on the national debt, Tea Party, cut the size of government. He's expanding the size of government! Here's a man who has single-handedly revolutionized a major American party because he understood where the debate was headed before other people. And then guys like Steve Bannon come in and give him substance to his impulses. +And so take that a bit further, and maybe expand a bit more on your insights into Steve Bannon's worldview. Because he's sometimes tarred in very simple terms as this dangerous, racist, xenophobic, anger-sparking person. There's more to the story; that is perhaps an unfair simplification. +I think that part is true, but there's another part that's probably true, too. He's part of a global movement. It's like being around Marxists in 1917. There's him here, there's the UKIP party, there's the National Front in France, there's Putin, there's a Turkish version, a Philippine version. So we have to recognize that this is a global intellectual movement. And it believes that wisdom and virtue is not held in individual conversation and civility the way a lot of us in the enlightenment side of the world do. It's held in the German word is the "volk" in the people, in the common, instinctive wisdom of the plain people. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol06.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol06.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..1e7583c5c305dcacf3fbcca6c07bf40dde6596dd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol06.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +And the essential virtue of that people is always being threatened by outsiders. And he's got a strategy for how to get there. He's got a series of policies to bring the people up and repudiate the outsiders, whether those outsiders are Islam, Mexicans, the media, the coastal elites and there's a whole worldview there; it's a very coherent worldview. I sort of have more respect for him. I loathe what he stands for and I think he's wrong on the substance, but it's interesting to see someone with a set of ideas find a vehicle, Donald Trump, and then try to take control of the White House in order to advance his viewpoint. +So it's almost become, like, that the core question of our time now is: Can you be patriotic but also have a global mindset? Are these two things implacably opposed to each other? I mean, a lot of conservatives and, to the extent that it's a different category, a lot of Trump supporters, are infuriated by the coastal elites and the globalists because they see them as, sort of, not cheering for America, not embracing fully American values. I mean, have you seen that in your conversations with people, in your understanding of their mindset? +I do think that there's a huge difference between I hate to put people in categories, but, Middle America versus people who live on the coasts. It's an entirely different existence. And I grew up in Minnesota, so I have an understanding of Middle America, and I've never forgotten it. And maybe that's why I have an understanding of what happened here, because those people often feel like nobody's listening to them, and that we're only concentrating on California and New York. And so I think that was a huge reason why Trump was elected. I mean, these people felt like they were being heard. Whether or not patriotism falls into that, I'm not sure about that. I do know one thing: a lot of things Trump talked about last night are not conservative things. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol07.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol07.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8b83a9991b9e6dbff457558d30c2ca0a5a41b079 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol07.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +Had Hillary Clinton gotten up and given that speech, not one Republican would have stood up to applaud. I mean, he's talking about spending a trillion dollars on infrastructure. That is not a conservative viewpoint. He talked about government-mandated maternity leave. A lot of women may love that; it's not a conservative viewpoint. So it's fascinating that people who loved what his message was during the campaign, I'm not sure how do you think they'll react to that? +I should say I grew up in Lower Manhattan, in the triangle between ABC Carpets, the Strand Bookstore and The Odeon restaurant. +Come to Minnesota sometime! +You are a card-carrying member of the coastal elite, my man. But what did you make of the speech last night? It seemed to be a move to a more moderate position, on the face of it. +Yeah, I thought it was his best speech, and it took away the freakishness of him. I do think he's a moral freak, and I think he'll be undone by that fact, the fact that he just doesn't know anything about anything and is uncurious about it. +But if you take away these minor flaws, I think we got to see him at his best, and it was revealing for me to see him at his best, because to me, it exposed a central contradiction that he's got to confront, that a lot of what he's doing is offering security. So, "I'm ordering closed borders, I'm going to secure the world for you, for my people." But then if you actually look at a lot of his economic policies, like health care reform, which is about private health care accounts, that's not security, that's risk. Educational vouchers: that's risk. Deregulation: that's risk. There's really a contradiction between the security of the mindset and a lot of the policies, which are very risk-oriented. And what I would say, especially having spent this year, the people in rural Minnesota, in New Mexico they've got enough risk in their lives. And so they're going to say, "No thank you." And I think his health care repeal will fail for that reason. +But despite the criticisms you just made of him, it does at least seem that he's listening to a surprisingly wide range of voices; it's not like everyone is coming from the same place. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol08.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol08.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..5b911b2295a9cc79b207abe09863febe28cdc48f --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol08.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +And maybe that leads to a certain amount of chaos and confusion, but I actually don't think he's listening to a wide range of voices. I think he's listening to very few people. That's just my impression of it. I believe that some of the things he said last night had Ivanka all over them. So I believe he was listening to her before that speech. And he was Teleprompter Trump last night, as opposed to Twitter Trump. And that's why, before we came out here, I said, "We better check Twitter to see if anything's changed." And also I think you have to keep in mind that because he's such a unique character, what was the bar that we were expecting last night? Was it here or here or here? And so he comes out and gives a looking political speech, and everyone goes, "Wow! He can do it." It just depends on which direction he goes. +Yeah, and we're trying to build bridges here, and especially for an audience that may have contempt for Trump, it's important to say, no, this is a real thing. But as I try my best to go an hour showing respect for him, my thyroid is surging, because I think the oddities of his character really are condemnatory and are going to doom him. +Your reputation is as a conservative. People would you describe you as right of center, and yet here you are with this visceral reaction against him and some of what he stands for. I mean, I'm how do you have a conversation? The people who support him, on evidence so far, are probably pretty excited. He's certainly shown real engagement in a lot of what he promised to do, and there is a strong desire to change the system radically. People hate what government has become and how it's left them out. +I totally agree with that, but I think that when he was proposing a huge government program last night that we used to call the bad s-word, "stimulus," I find it completely ironic. To spend a trillion dollars on something that is not a conservative viewpoint. Then again, I don't really believe he's a Republican. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol09.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol09.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..03eea35513418eb695fabb0b131bc3729bfe18ad --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol09.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +And I would say, as someone who identifies as conservative: first of all, to be conservative is to believe in the limitations of politics. Samuel Johnson said, "Of all the things that human hearts endure, how few are those that kings can cause and cure." Politics is a limited realm; what matters most is the moral nature of the society. And so I have to think character comes first, and a man who doesn't pass the character threshold cannot be a good president. Second, I'm the kind of conservative who I harken back to Alexander Hamilton, who was a Latino hip-hop star from the heights. +But his definition of America was very future-oriented. He was a poor boy from the islands who had this rapid and amazing rise to success, and he wanted government to give poor boys and girls like him a chance to succeed, using limited but energetic government to create social mobility. For him and for Lincoln and for Teddy Roosevelt, the idea of America was the idea of the future. We may have division and racism and slavery in our past, but we have a common future. The definition of America that Steve Bannon stands for is backwards-looking. It's nostalgic; it's for the past. And that is not traditionally the American identity. That's traditionally, frankly, the Russian identity. That's how they define virtue. And so I think it is a fundamental and foundational betrayal of what conservatism used to stand for. +Well, I'd like actually like to hear from you, and if we see some comments coming in from some of you, we'll oh, well here's one right now. Jeffrey Alan Carnegie: I've tried to convince progressive friends that they need to understand what motivates Trump supporters, yet many of them have given up trying to understand in the face of what they perceive as lies, selfishness and hatred. How would you reach out to such people, the Tea Party of the left, to try to bridge this divide? +I actually think there are commonalities in anger, as I expressed earlier. So I think you can come to the table, both being passionate about something. So at least you care. And I would like to believe the c-word has also become a horrible word "compromise," right? So you have the far left and the far right, and compromise, forget it. Those groups don't want to even think about it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol10.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0c874e38e9d8c99afb4a7270464e4954fffcb1e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +But you have a huge swath of voters, myself included, who are registered independents, like 40 percent of us, right? So there is a huge faction of America that wants to see change and wants to see people come together. It's just that we have to figure out how to do that. +So let's talk about that for a minute, because we're having these TED Dialogues, we're trying to bridge. There's a lot of people out there, right now, perhaps especially on the left, who think this is a terrible idea, that actually, the only moral response to the great tyranny that may be about to emerge in America is to resist it at every stage, is to fight it tooth and nail, it's a mistake to try and do this. Just fight! Is there a case for that? +It depends what "fight" means. If it means literal fighting, then no. If it means marching, well maybe marching to raise consciousness, that seems fine. But if you want change in this country, we do it through parties and politics. We organize parties, and those parties are big, diverse, messy coalitions, and we engage in politics, and politics is always morally unsatisfying because it's always a bunch of compromises. But politics is essentially a competition between partial truths. The Trump people have a piece of the truth in America. I think Trump himself is the wrong answer to the right question, but they have some truth, and it's truth found in the epidemic of opiates around the country, it's truth found in the spread of loneliness, it's the truth found in people whose lives are inverted. They peaked professionally at age 30, and it's all been downhill since. And so, understanding that doesn't take fighting, it takes conversation and then asking, "What are we going to replace Trump with?" +But you saw fighting last night, even at the speech, because you saw the Democratic women who came and wore white to honor the suffragette movement. I remember back during the campaign where some Trump supporters wanted to actually get rid of the amendment that allowed us to vote as women. It was like, what? So I don't know if that's the right way to fight. It was interesting, because I was looking in the audience, trying to see Democratic women who didn't wear white. So there's a lot going on there, and there's a lot of ways to fight that are not necessarily doing that. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol11.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..d25d0560d851a7da39e73f1073afdfc8805a4fd8 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +I mean, one of the key questions, to me, is: The people who voted for Trump but, if you like, are more in the center, like they're possibly amenable to persuasion are they more likely to be persuaded by seeing a passionate uprising of people saying, "No, no, no, you can't!" or will that actually piss them off and push them away? +How are any of us persuaded? Am I going to persuade you by saying, "Well, you're kind of a bigot, you're supporting bigotry, you're supporting sexism. You're a primitive, fascistic rise from some authoritarian past"? That's probably not going to be too persuasive to you. And so the way any of us are persuaded is by: a) some basic show of respect for the point of view, and saying, "I think this guy is not going to get you where you need to go." And there are two phrases you've heard over and over again, wherever you go in the country. One, the phrase "flyover country." And that's been heard for years, but I would say this year, I heard it almost on an hourly basis, a sense of feeling invisible. And then the sense a sense of the phrase "political correctness." Just that rebellion: "They're not even letting us say what we think." And I teach at Yale. The narrowing of debate is real. +So you would say this is a trap that liberals have fallen into by celebrating causes they really believe in, often expressed through the language of "political correctness." They have done damage. They have pushed people away. +I would say a lot of the argument, though, with "descent to fascism", "authoritarianism" that just feels over-the-top to people. And listen, I've written eight million anti-Trump columns, but it is a problem, especially for the coastal media, that every time he does something slightly wrong, we go to 11, and we're at 11 every day. And it just strains credibility at some point. +Crying wolf a little too loud and a little too early. But there may be a time when we really do have to cry wolf. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol12.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol12.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..a62075f919e76f43ad8841c03dc70ca3cf617726 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +But see one of the most important things to me is how the conservative media handles Trump. Will they call him out when things are not true, or will they just go along with it? To me, that is what is essential in this entire discussion, because when you have followers of somebody who don't really care if he tells the truth or not, that can be very dangerous. So to me, it's: How is the conservative media going to respond to it? I mean, you've been calling them out. But how will other forms of conservative media deal with that as we move forward? +It's all shifted, though. The conservative media used to be Fox or Charles Krauthammer or George Will. They're no longer the conservative media. Now there's another whole set of institutions further right, which is Breitbart and Infowars, Alex Jones, Laura Ingraham, and so they're the ones who are now his base, not even so much Fox. +My last question for the time being is just on this question of the truth. I mean, it's one of the scariest things to people right now, that there is no agreement, nationally, on what is true. I've never seen anything like it, where facts are so massively disputed. Your whole newspaper, sir, is delivering fake news every day. +And failing. And failing. My commiserations. But is there any path whereby we can start to get some kind of consensus, to believe the same things? Can online communities play a role here? How do we fix this? +See, I understand how that happened. That's another groundswell kind of emotion that was going on in the middle of America and not being heard, in thinking that the mainstream media was biased. There's a difference, though, between being biased and being fake. To me, that is a very important distinction in this conversation. So let's just say that there was some bias in the mainstream media. OK. So there are ways to try and mend that. But what Trump's doing is nuclearizing that and saying, "Look, we're just going to call all of that fake." That's where it gets dangerous. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol13.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol13.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..60cb05eccd74f910d0a6984d14c6c0ad71034e80 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +Do you think enough of his supporters have a greater loyalty to the truth than to any like, the principle of not supporting something that is demonstrably not true actually matters, so there will be a correction at some point? +I think the truth eventually comes out. So for example, Donald Trump has based a lot of his economic policy on this supposition that Americans have lost manufacturing jobs because they've been stolen by the Chinese. That is maybe 13 percent of the jobs that left. The truth is that 87 percent of the jobs were replaced by technology. That is just the truth. And so as a result, when he says, "I'm going to close TPP and all the jobs will come roaring back," they will not come roaring back. So that is an actual fact, in my belief. +But I'm saying what his supporters think is the truth, no matter how many times you might say that, they still believe him. +But eventually either jobs will come back or they will not come back, and at that point, either something will work or it doesn't work, and it doesn't work or not work because of great marketing, it works because it actually addresses a real problem and so I happen to think the truth will out. +If you've got a question, please raise your hand here. +I'll speak into the box. My name's Yael Eisenstat. I hear a lot of this talk about how we all need to start talking to each other more and understanding each other more, and I've even written about this, published on this subject as well, but now today I keep hearing liberals yes, I live in New York, I can be considered a liberal we sit here and self-analyze: What did we do to not understand the Rust Belt? Or: What can we do to understand Middle America better? And what I'd like to know: Have you seen any attempts or conversations from Middle America of what can I do to understand the so-called coastal elites better? Because I'm just offended as being put in a box as a coastal elite as someone in Middle America is as being considered a flyover state and not listened to. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol14.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol14.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..8c523163a6cc97c517b5df7f431daa059773fb16 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +This is someone who has been conservative all my adult life when you grow up conservative, you learn to speak both languages. Because if I'm going to listen to music, I'm not going to listen to Ted Nugent. So a lot of my favorite rock bands are all on the left. If I'm going to go to a school, I'm going probably to school where the culture is liberal. If I'm going to watch a sitcom or a late-night comedy show, it's going to be liberal. If I'm going to read a good newspaper, it'll be the New York Times. As a result, you learn to speak both languages. And that actually, at least for a number of years, when I started at National Review with William F. Buckley, it made us sharper, because we were used to arguing against people every day. The problem now that's happened is you have ghettoization on the right and you can live entirely in rightworld, so as a result, the quality of argument on the right has diminished, because you're not in the other side all the time. But I do think if you're living in Minnesota or Iowa or Arizona, the coastal elites make themselves aware to you, so you know that language as well, but it's not the reverse. +But what does Middle America not get about coastal elites? So the critique is, you are not dealing with the real problems. There's a feeling of a snobbishness, an elitism that is very off-putting. What are they missing? If you could plant one piece of truth from the mindset of someone in this room, for example, what would you say to them? +Just how insanely wonderful we are. +No, I reject the category. The problem with populism is the same problem with elitism. It's just a prejudice on the basis of probably an over-generalized social class distinction which is too simplistic to apply in reality. Those of us in New York know there are some people in New York who are completely awesome, and some people who are pathetic, and if you live in Iowa, some people are awesome and some people are pathetic. It's not a question of what degree you have or where you happen to live in the country. The distinction is just a crude simplification to arouse political power. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol15.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol15.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..7c072890454aaa3c41e64d1ca8d8b65fd1afaaaf --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +But I would encourage people to watch a television news show or read a column that they normally wouldn't. So if you are a Trump supporter, watch the other side for a day, because you need to come out of the bubble if you're ever going to have a conversation. And both sides so if you're a liberal, then watch something that's very conservative. Read a column that is not something you would normally read, because then you gain perspective of what the other side is thinking, and to me, that's a start of coming together. I worry about the same thing you worry about, these bubbles. I think if you only watch certain entities, you have no idea what the rest of the world is talking about. +I think not only watching, being part of an organization that meets at least once a month that puts you in direct contact with people completely unlike yourself is something we all have a responsibility for. I may get this a little wrong, but I think of the top-selling automotive models in this country, I think the top three or four are all pickup trucks. So ask yourself: How many people do I know who own a pickup truck? And it could be very few or zero for a lot of people. And that's sort of a warning sign kind of a problem. Where can I join a club where I'll have a lot in common with a person who drives a pickup truck because we have a common interest in whatever? +And so the internet is definitely contributing to this. A question here from Chris Ajemian: "How do you feel structure of communications, especially the prevalence of social media and individualized content, can be used to bring together a political divide, instead of just filing communities into echo chambers?" I mean, it looks like Facebook and Google, since the election, are working hard on this question. They're trying to change the algorithms so that they don't amplify fake news to the extent that it happened last time round. Do you see any other promising signs of or amplify one side of the equation. +Exactly. +I think that was the constant argument from the right, that social media and the internet in general was putting articles towards the top that were not their worldview. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol16.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol16.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..6263e57b29a99dd6a4b496a53cf2a6e7db277d44 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +I think, again, that fed into the anger. It fed into the anger of: "You're pushing something that's not what I believe." But social media has obviously changed everything, and I think Trump is the example of Twitter changing absolutely everything. And from his point of view, he's reaching the American people without a filter, which he believes the media is. +Question from the audience. +Hi. I'm Destiny. I have a question regarding political correctness, and I'm curious: When did political correctness become synonymous with silencing, versus a way that we speak about other people to show them respect and preserve their dignity? +Well, I think the conservative media really pounded this issue for the last 10 years. I think that they really, really spent a lot of time talking about political correctness, and how people should have the ability to say what they think. Another reason why Trump became so popular: because he says what he thinks. It also makes me think about the fact that I do believe there are a lot of people in America who agree with Steve Bannon, but they would never say it publicly, and so voting for Trump gave them the opportunity to agree with it silently. +On the issue of immigration, it's a legitimate point of view that we have too many immigrants in the country, that it's economically costly. +That we have too many immigrants in the country, especially from Britain. +I kind of like the British accent, OK? +I apologize. America, I am sorry. +I'll go now. +But it became sort of impermissible to say that, because it was a sign that somehow you must be a bigot of some sort. So the political correctness was not only cracking down on speech that we would all find completely offensive, it was cracking down on some speech that was legitimate, and then it was turning speech and thought into action and treating it as a crime, and people getting fired and people thrown out of schools, and there were speech codes written. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol17.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol17.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..e791a761f5d7ef01b42589c134e49e9383390fcd --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Now there are these diversity teams, where if you say something that somebody finds offensive, like, "Smoking is really dangerous," you can say "You're insulting my group," and the team from the administration will come down into your dorm room and put thought police upon you. And so there has been a genuine narrowing of what is permissible to say. And some of it is legitimate. There are certain words that there should be some social sanction against, but some of it was used to enforce a political agenda. +So is that a project you would urge on liberals, if you like progressives to rethink the ground rules around political correctness and accept a little more uncomfortable language in certain circumstances? Can you see that being solved to an extent that others won't be so offended? +I mean, most American universities, especially elite universities, are overwhelmingly on the left, and there's just an ease of temptation to use your overwhelming cultural power to try to enforce some sort of thought that you think is right and correct thought. So, be a little more self-suspicious of, are we doing that? And second, my university, the University of Chicago, sent out this letter saying, we will have no safe spaces. There will be no critique of micro-aggression. If you get your feelings hurt, well, welcome to the world of education. I do think that policy which is being embraced by a lot of people on the left, by the way is just a corrective to what's happened. +So here's a question from Karen Holloway: How do we foster an American culture that's forward-looking, like Hamilton, that expects and deals with change, rather than wanting to have everything go back to some fictional past? That's an easy question, right? +Well, I'm still a believer in the American dream, and I think what we can teach our children is the basics, which is that hard work and believing in yourself in America, you can achieve whatever you want. I was told that every single day. When I got in the real world, I was like, wow, that's maybe not always so true. But I still believe in that. Maybe I'm being too optimistic. So I still look towards the future for that to continue. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol18.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol18.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..af5e057f20c1af6c1a5494bd7a5391f97711fa22 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +I think you're being too optimistic. +You do? +The odds of an American young person exceeding their parents' salary a generation ago, like 86 percent did it. Now 51 percent do it. There's just been a problem in social mobility in the country. +You've written that this entire century has basically been a disaster, that the age of sunny growth is over and we're in deep trouble. +Yeah, I mean, we averaged, in real terms, population-adjusted, two or three percent growth for 50 years, and now we've had less than one percent growth. And so there's something seeping out. And so if I'm going to tell people that they should take risks, one of the things we're seeing is a rapid decline in mobility, the number of people who are moving across state lines, and that's especially true among millennials. It's young people that are moving less. So how do we give people the security from which they can take risk? And I'm a big believer in attachment theory of raising children, and attachment theory is based on the motto that all of life is a series of daring adventures from a secure base. Have you parents given you a secure base? And as a society, we do not have a secure base, and we won't get to that "Hamilton," risk-taking, energetic ethos until we can supply a secure base. +So I wonder whether there's ground here to create almost like a shared agenda, a bridging conversation, on the one hand recognizing that there is this really deep problem that the system, the economic system that we built, seems to be misfiring right now. Second, that maybe, if you're right that it's not all about immigrants, it's probably more about technology, if you could win that argument, that de-emphasizes what seems to me the single most divisive territory between Trump supporters and others, which is around the role of the other. It's very offensive to people on the left to have the other demonized to the extent that the other seems to be demonized. That feels deeply immoral, and maybe people on the left could agree, as you said, that immigration may have happened too fast, and there is a limit beyond which human societies struggle, but nonetheless this whole problem becomes de-emphasized if automation is the key issue, and then we try to work together on recognizing that it's real, recognizing that the problem probably wasn't properly addressed or seen or heard, and try to figure out how to rebuild communities using, well, using what? That seems to me to become the fertile conversation of the future. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/data/unfunny_text/TedPol19.txt b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol19.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..0b8adce952806c76f6f69b7e4236deefe47a14bc --- /dev/null +++ b/data/unfunny_text/TedPol19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +How do we rebuild communities in this modern age, with technology doing what it's doing, and reimagine this bright future? +That's why I go back to optimism. I'm not being it's not like I'm not looking at the facts, where we've come or where we've come from. But for gosh sakes, if we don't look at it from an optimistic point of view -- I'm refusing to do that just yet. I'm not raising my 12- and 13-year-old to say, "Look, the world is dim." +We're going to have one more question from the room here. +Hi. Hello. Sorry. You both mentioned the infrastructure plan and Russia and some other things that wouldn't be traditional Republican priorities. What do you think, or when, will Republicans be motivated to take a stand against Trumpism? +After last night, not for a while. He changed a lot last night, I believe. +His popularity among Republicans he's got 85 percent approval, which is higher than Reagan had at this time, and that's because society has just gotten more polarized. So people follow the party much more than they used to. So if you're waiting for Paul Ryan and the Republicans in Congress to flake away, it's going to take a little while. +But also because they're all concerned about reelection, and Trump has so much power with getting people either for you or against you, and so, they're vacillating every day, probably: "Well, should I go against or should I not?" But last night, where he finally sounded presidential, I think most Republicans are breathing a sigh of relief today. +The half-life of that is short. +Right I was just going to say, until Twitter happens again. +OK, I want to give each of you the chance to imagine you're speaking to I don't know the people online who are watching this, who may be Trump supporters, who may be on the left, somewhere in the middle. How would you advise them to bridge or to relate to other people? Can you share any final wisdom on this? Or if you think that they shouldn't, tell them that as well. \ No newline at end of file