text,humour_label,language
What do you do when you finish a clip at the YouTube HQ? Reload,0,en
"When Greek people play a video game, what settings do they use? Default",1,en
Where do you find quadriplegics ? Where you left them,1,en
How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed.,1,en
Lock test Lock test lock test lock test,1,en
Romeo: Your cheeks are like petals. Juliet: Really? Romeo: Yes bicycle pedals.,0,en
"i must be really good on the phone whenever i call a company, they tell me they are going to use my call for training purposes .",1,en
"Like ""dollar,"" ""euro"" is not capitalized. Unlike a dollar, a euro can actually buy you something",1,en
What's difference between a Jamaican and a picnic table A picnic table can support a family of four.,1,en
I'm single by choice. of others,0,en
A cougar is an older lady who goes for younger guys. A Tyga is an older man who goes for younger women,1,en
A new source of electricity is found! Lincoln is is infinitely rolling in his grave right now. We can use that somehow.,0,en
did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and his left leg? he was all right .,0,en
what's a rock group with four guys that don't sing? mount rushmore,0,en
Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within,0,en
"my dream is to become the world's best procrastinator threedots but i'll start chasing my dreams another day, i don't feel like it now .",0,en
What do you call someone who is always disagreeing with their calculator? A chronic math debater,1,en
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It's two chicks fighting over a pair of shoes,1,en
i like my women like i like my coffee ground up and in boiling water,0,en
why was the hipster hurt by the light bulb? he changed it before it was cool .,0,en
"Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!",0,en
how do you know whether or not a redditor is australian? they'll tell you .,1,en
What kind of tea does a house drink? Propertea,1,en
"You can take a man out of the church, but you can never take the church out of a man Especially if you're an altar boy.",0,en
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner,1,en
Brains are awesome. I wish everyone had one,1,en
"Just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.",0,en
What's the difference between a Mexican and a pizza? One can feed a family.,1,en
my grandmother said she would give birth to my mother when the time machine was invented. apparently she lied,1,en
what kind of fun does a priest have? nun .,1,en
"a new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners . also , they're like , "" why are you showing me photos? i'm a dog . """,1,en
Why do moon rocks fill you up more than Earth rocks? They're a little meteor.,1,en
"What does an Australian chemist call is bro? Bromate Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong",1,en
What's blue and IS heavy? Depression.,0,en
How do you beat Minecraft without owning it You name your son Minecraft,0,en
"After a date Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.",0,en
What do colors say when they laugh? Huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue,1,en
What's a killer whale's favorite pasta? Penguini,0,en
"i had a dream last night that i was a muffler boy, did i wake up exhausted !",0,en
After watching a strongman competition. it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself,1,en
So I saw that Princess Diana is trending on tumblr. She's all over the dashboard!,0,en
What do you call a fear of chainsaws? Logic.,1,en
"Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.",1,en
"Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music. pugstep",1,en
"I wrote a song about drawing maps, but it never made the charts.",1,en
why are blind people bad computer programmers? because they can't c .,1,en
question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? asking for a friend,1,en
"i like my women like i like my coffee, i can't afford coffee",1,en
what did adam say when he broke up with eve? i'm turning over a new leaf .,0,en
"I miss the good old days when boot camp was for soldiers, not pudgy sorority girls attempting to get in shape for Spring Break.",0,en
"Couldn't figure out how to set up my stereo system, so I called my dad. He gave me some sound advice",1,en
They have announced a new Lone Ranger Movie. The Lone Ranger Goes To Canada or Onto Toronto Pronto Tonto. ,1,en
"my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with star wars ' . i said: "" may divorce be with you . """,1,en
"What do you call a dog with no paws or legs It doesn't matter what you call them, they still won't come.",1,en
I applied for a job as a Marsupial. Safe to say I didn't get it because I lacked the right Koalafications,1,en
How to cure affluenza? Introduce him to Warhammer.,0,en
Click bait is everywhere these days. Scroll down to see how many fell for it. ,0,en
"How do sceptics introduce themselves? ""I don't believe we've met...""",1,en
"Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.",0,en
I met a really pretty arab woman today The second i saw her i was blown away,1,en
"i invented a glass coffin , but i don't know if it will catch on. remains to be seen",1,en
"hey baby , do you smell that? "" "" no . "" "" me neither , start cooking .",0,en
Why are barns so noisy? All the cows have horns,1,en
i'm super lazy today. which is like normal lazy but i'm also wearing a cape,1,en
"Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you're not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance",1,en
I need help reviving the dishwasher. My mom just died.,0,en
What's the definition of a narrow squeak? A thin mouse !,0,en
"I called a Chinese restaurant the other day. A guy picked up and said ""Hello, I'm Wan King the chef."" I told him ""Alright, guess I'll call back later""",1,en
its all fun and games until someone loses an I? . then we cant play scrabble anymor,0,en
"I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty",1,en
"One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: ""Elvis just died! "" The second agent says nothing then starts nodding. ""Good career move.""",1,en
What bees like the Beatles? Let It Bees,1,en
while scrolling the front page i saw the most annoying thread ever it was coming out of the sweater i was wearing. that was my favorite sweater,1,en
What is posthumous work? Something written by someone after they are dead !,0,en
why did the nun swear when she got her new outfit? it was a bad habit .,1,en
"i've been dating a homeless women recently , and i think its getting serious. she asked me to move out with her",1,en
"I remember this from a Monty Python ""My dog has no nose!"" Says one man. His friend asks ""well how does he smell? "" ""Stinky!""",1,en
"""I dropped my toothpaste""... ...he said, crestfallen.",0,en
What do you call a tin can that's done with High School? A graduated cylinder!,0,en
it's good that we aren't hearing about priests in the news lately. it seems that kids these days are finally learning how to keep a secret,1,en
q . what did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? a : between the two of us we can make a lot of money .,0,en
The Joker What do you call somebody who shares a coffin with the Joker? Heath Lodger!,0,en
"hey , did you hear that carbon and oxygen broke up? yeah , it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic . personally , i never saw it .",1,en
"""anyone for turkey burgers? "" turkey: well sure haha ""oh, it's not a burger for turkeys"" turkey: what is it then ""uhh"" turkey: say it",1,en
I bought a retro computer. It came with friends still on the outside of it,0,en
The other day my friend was telling me I didn't know what irony meant. Which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop,1,en
What do you call Nintendo's fighting came in Alabama? Super Smash Cousins ,1,en
how many alzheimer's patients does it take to screw on a light bulb? to get to the other side !,0,en
"My friend wants to carve a Venus statue from a tree. That seems like it would take a while, woodentit?",0,en
What's the difference between an American and a Canadian? A Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.,1,en
How did the king die? He had a bad heir day,0,en
"about to finish my second book of the day! and when i say book , i really mean magazine . and when i say magazine , i really mean pizza .",1,en
how do girls remember every word of an argument? i don't remember what i had for dinner and i'm eating it now,1,en
What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.,1,en
"The trees speak vietnamese, and the snow speaks finnish. What do the showers speak?",1,en
Can you tell me a Pseudobulbar affect joke? Those always get a laugh.,1,en
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent",1,en
"The Dali Lama walks into a Pizza store He says, ""make me one with everything""",1,en
why are life long overweight people funny? growing up they hear the best jokes .,1,en
"gf asked "" can you hand me my shoes? "" me : "" no , but i can feet them to you """,1,en
What do you say when only the egg remains? It's all ovum now,1,en
Timmy was sad because he dropped his ice cream In juvenile detention.,1,en
"I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out. OP will not deliver",0,en
why did the baby cross the road? because it was stapled to the chicken .,1,en
Q: What is a Budget? A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.,0,en
What language do farsighted people speak? Farsi.,1,en
Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do,1,en
what's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? you can unscrew a lightbulb .,0,en
not all jobs can have 'bad apples' especially american airlines the last time they had one he crashed into the trade center,1,en
what's the difference between a laundry machine and a girl? the washing machine doesn't get upset if i dump a load in it and never call back,1,en
"why do the best swimmers come from flint , michigan? because they're always in the lead .",1,en
"what do porsche and apple have in common? new product , same design .",1,en
I am a man and I completely understand women . . . . . .,1,en
The death of my family member is hard to take in Especially when you run out of rolling paper.,1,en
what do a woman and a grenade have in common? pull off the ring and the house is gone .,0,en
What do you call a furry that likes to be on the bottom in bed? A subwoofer,0,en
Why are american schools so good at marketing? They always hit the target audience,1,en
"what's the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job? one's a crusty bus station , the other's a busty crustacean .",1,en
What do Asgardians use to keep food hot? A Thormos.,1,en
The registration fee to the Boston marathon was high... It cost me an arm and a leg.,0,en
"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? ""Arghhagghh!""",1,en
sign posted in a bathroom: we aim to please ! you aim too ! please !,0,en
"haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in",1,en
elmo jokw What does every Elmo receive before they leave the factory? Two test tickles!,0,en
"I don't know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse's body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.",1,en
Teacher: What should you do when someone opens fire at you? Blonde: Use a FIRE extinguisher? ,1,en
What did the egg say to the frying pan? It might take me a little while to get hard. I was just laid last night.,1,en
"i lost my wife a year ago today. sadly , within four days i won her back",0,en
Stan Lee That man knows how to promote a movie,1,en
my neighbors son asked me to explain women to him. so i bought him an xbox game for his playstation,1,en
Whats the difference between Kobe Bryant and Juice WRLD? Kobe's death crashed the internet into pieces.,0,en
How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.,1,en
they say the human imagination is infinite. try to imagine a new color,0,en
what does a widow say when she wakes up? mourning,1,en
"If a poison expires, Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?",1,en
why was the couch afraid of the chair? the chair was armed .,0,en
what did the constipated mathematician do? he worked his problems out with a pencil and paper .,1,en
why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? in case he got a hole in one .,1,en
Why did the banker like the TV show? Because he was invested in the story.,1,en
what did the bus conductor say to the frog? hop on .,0,en
What's the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger? An egg gets laid before it cracks.,0,en
"My friend's handwriting was so bad, no one in my German class could read it... He said, ""Of course not, it wasn't written in German."" ",1,en
People think it's weird why I don't play with baby's But I was always told as a kid not to play with my food.,1,en
A dark joke is like food Not many people get it.,1,en
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning,0,en
"No Grandma, an iPad is not a new brand of Maxi Pads",0,en
"for what it's worth, i'd like to exchange some foreign currency .",1,en
"starting a new job today. i'm not sure what company , but it's wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going",1,en
"My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo. I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs",1,en
"if you're wondering about who the oldest james bond was, don't google ' old man bond age '",0,en
"Why do people throw coins into foutains? Why do people throw coins into fountains? I don't know, doesn't make any cents.",1,en
"if a "" cougar "" is an older woman who is into younger men , what do you call an older woman who is into younger women? a gym teacher",1,en
I was dating an analog synthesizer But I had to break it off. She was just continuously variable,1,en
"""I'm sorry"" and ""I apologize"" mean the same thing. except when you're at a funeral",1,en
"A strange sense of humor. Surprisingly, but the long walks on the moor very breathtakingly",1,en
i've decided to take the day off today. from now on it will simply be known as ' to ',1,en
What to you call a conscious wolf? Aware wolf.,1,en
What is a Jew's favorite Mexican food? Carne Masada,0,en
why did the chicken get an ouija board? to contact those who had crossed over to the other side .,1,en
You know how the say movies are like world wars.. The sequel is always worse,0,en
Tingly feeling You know that nice tingly feeling you get when you're falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body.,1,en
"clothes are just, human shaped blankets .",1,en
what's the difference between hard and light? you can sleep with a light on .,0,en
You know what gets me down? Gravity...,0,en
My friend said he needed a new kid knee So I showed him my collection. He wasn't pleased.,1,en
why doesn't santa have any children? ' cause he cums down the chimney,0,en
q : what did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor? a : make me one with everything .,0,en
which computer is the best at singing? a dell .,0,en
My new bucket really does its job well. My old one pails in comparison,1,en
Why did Jon Snow become a spokesman for Rolex? For the time piece.,1,en
What do you call a sugary werewolf? a glycan,1,en
"What be a pirate's favorite letter? Ayy, you think it be ""r"" but it really be the ""c"".",0,en
Complex numbers are all fun and games... Until someone loses an i. That's when things get real.,1,en
I've had intimate problems all my life. I just can't get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.,0,en
what do you call an expert at making ship parts? a master master .,1,en
how do senior citizens handle indoor skydiving? depends,1,en
"I don't believe in natural selection, If it were so, the Jews would have survived the showers.",1,en
my girlfriend cried the day i proposed to her on an escalator. it was moving,1,en
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris. But it turns out that idea was already taken,1,en
"Whats long, yellow, and can't swim? A school bus full of kids in a lake",0,en
Have you seen www.quicksand.com? Yes but it hasn't sunk in yet.,0,en
""" it's our third date and you still wear that shirt? "" honey , this all they have in prison .",0,en
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack Therapist: How do you feel now? Me: With my elbows,1,en
What kind of juice do you get in camps? The concentrated kind. ,1,en
why do women love chocolate? because it's the only time ' rich ' and ' dark ' are used to describe the same thing .,1,en
"what did the australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal? check , mate .",1,en
why couldn't the butter quit his gambling addiction? he was on a roll !,0,en
I love my ribcage. It is very close to my heart,0,en
In America If you ask directions to a shooting range they will just point to the nearest school,1,en
the music composer at my school is suffering from cancer. he's in the hospital being fed through a tuba,1,en
my dad just came first in a drag race. i had no idea a man could run so fast in a cocktail dress and high heels !,0,en
"Why are Reddit jokes so overused? I don't know, ask Dave.",0,en
what's the most common sleeping position of a man? around .,1,en
"explaining puns to kleptomaniacs is hard because they often take things, literally .",1,en
An apple a day keeps the doctor At least if u throw hard enough,0,en
It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.,1,en
Anyone want to buy a dead budgie? It's not going cheep.,0,en
""" lord , can i have a pony? "" sure . just as soon as i get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it .",0,en
What did the flat iron say to the follicle? Now let me get this straight . . .,0,en
I made a Wooden Engine. Everyone was shocked to see that it wood work,1,en
Why the princess cross the road? Because Diana wasn't wearing a seatbelt,0,en
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya! ,0,en
so a special type of animal that can turn into food does not cross something. what a chicken !,0,en
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!,0,en
why does bono never get any mail? he lives on a street with no name .,1,en
what do you call an artist in a dark alley? sketchy,1,en
q : what kind of pizza do pilots like? a : plain .,0,en
q : how did a blind man get poke marks on his face? a : learning to eat with a fork .,0,en
"what did the bread say after its massage? ahh , i kneaded that .",1,en
Star Wars joke: What is the Rancor's favorite candy? Jawa breakers.,0,en
Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you,0,en
q : what's the difference between a duck? a : one of its legs is both the same .,0,en
How did the jew lose his arms? He thought he saw a penny in a wood chipper,1,en
What do you call a dog subbing for a music teacher? A subwoofer.,1,en
"I'm a traveling art collector, but not doing so well. I'm always in need of Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh",1,en
"Mistakes Everybody make mistakes, smart people put theirs up for adoption",1,en
What does a Jew say before a microwave ? Good memories,1,en
Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.,1,en
What do you call a parrot that flew away? A polygon!,1,en
What literary devices do butchers use? Meataphors.,1,en
why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon? because it was full .,0,en
I have one way to know if a woman is a keeper. She doesn't call the police afterwards.,1,en
what do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after? a one night stand with jesus,1,en
I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but. I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong,1,en
a man is incomplete until he is married. after that he's finished,1,en
why were the burgers in the refrigerator embarrassed? they saw the salad dressing !,1,en
"What's the difference between a military base and a school? I know, but a U.S drone doesn't.",1,en
"A boat builder is proudly showing his young Son the family forest. He turns to him and says.. Son, one day all this will be oars.",0,en
"""Hey man, the hot girl from class winked at me today!"" ""Really, bro? "" ""Yeah, with both eyes too!""",0,en
My dad fought in World War II. I just received an email confirming my order of a maroon cardigan sweater,0,en
"I asked Siri why I was still single, She turned on the front camera.",0,en
Why did Negan watch Arrested Development? Someone told him there were two Lucilles,1,en
"How do you disappoint a redditor? Just say ""Ifunny is better than reddit""",1,en
How does Robin Williams go thrift shopping? Good Will Hunting,0,en
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Thier last big hit was The Wall,0,en
Why did peasants hate knights' outfits? Because everyone hates chain mail.,1,en
"what did the apple say to the apple pie? "" you've got some crust . """,1,en
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.,0,en
A Bitter Cold Day Q: What does a bull do on a bitter cold winter day? ... A: He goes into the barn and slips inside a warm Jersey,0,en
How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.,1,en
tell me a joke. make me laugh i need to hear a joke make me laugh please,0,en
"Reporter: Sir, how do view lesbian Relationships.? .. Me: Full HD.",1,en
You may think it's a good idea to go to weight watchers to meet women. but actually the ones there are quite hard to pick up,1,en
Why did the scale decide that the scam artists were heavier than the novels? Because the cons outweighed the prose.,1,en
weather channel i taped a weather channel logo on our living room window. it's like having an extra tv,1,en
wife : how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle? me : i dunno . buying it wasn't cheap tho,0,en
why did the bass player miss his second lesson? he had a gig that night .,1,en
"I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up.. ..two of them turn into adult knees.",0,en
It was so cold out today. I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets,1,en
I renamed my iPod to Titanic. it's syncing now,0,en
"Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks... Luke: are we on track? Yoda: off course, we are.",0,en
Have you ever been in the middle east when it rains? It rains everyday,0,en
"Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.",0,en
have you ever gotten shampoo in your mouth while singing in the shower? turns into a real soap opera .,1,en
"I returned some shorts to Walmart and bought a pizza, with the credit I had received, to share with my wife. She kinda ate my shorts",0,en
Life without geometry. is pointless,0,en
I wanted to move a statue of a god But it remained idle.,0,en
"Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age? A: ""Today children we will learn our ABC's""",0,en
Have you seen www.needleinahaystack.com? Yes but it took ages to find.,0,en
"Whenever two people argue over something, yell out ""OBJECTION"" and then contradict the one wearing something you don't like.",1,en
Why did the landscaper get fired? He kept dropping his plants in public!,1,en
"Congratulations, parents! The names yelled at dog parks are now less weird than the names yelled at playgrounds.",1,en
"new study shows that birthdays are good for your health statistics show that people who have more birthdays, live the longest !",0,en
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave,0,en
"Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a 'more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug'.",1,en
what do cars and humans have in common? we both burn gas .,1,en
"travel tip: when you are alone in a hotel room with two beds , that means one bed is for eating on and one bed is for sleeping on .",1,en
how do you stop an elephant from charging? take away its usb cable .,0,en
"life is not fair , but life is not fair for everyone. that makes life fair",0,en
What happens when you put Nutella on salmon? You get salmonella,1,en
Why is the forest so noisy? The trees bark.,1,en
I like my food like I like my races Separated,1,en
If zodiac signs may turn into real people Cancer would be the only bald one out there,1,en
Why can't deer get marred? Because they can't elope,1,en
When the river runs red. Take the dirt road,0,en
A man fell into an upholstery machine. He's fully recovered.,0,en
What is the siilarity between a man and a cartridge. If it doesn't work you need to blow it.,0,en
Will Smith got lost in the snow They found him by following the Fresh Prints,0,en
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A: A vacant posession.,0,en
people act so tough on twitter. i'd bet that half of you have never even killed a man,0,en
Why didn't the Chevy Nova sell well in Mexico? Because it was a no go.,1,en
What's a good motto for a sewage treatment plant? Our duty is clear. Credit: Futurama,1,en
why does Santa need so many elfs because he needs something to bring him pleasure when miss.clause is a sleep,0,en
why did the hipster burn his mustache on his coffee? threedots he was totally drinking it before it was cool .,0,en
Ever been half way through eating a horse and start to think. I wasnt as hungry as I thought,0,en
Where do cats go on vacation? Maui.,1,en
What cereal was removed from Tim Cook's breakfast? Apple Jacks,0,en
Why did the janitor get fired from the bank? Because he cleaned out the vault.,1,en
mountains are funny. they're hill areas,1,en
what does a cat say when it lands on it's back? me . ow .,0,en
"Here's my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: ""This will make me famous but not for long""",1,en
"During lunch I asked my food server which salad she preferred. She said, ""Either one! They're both amazeballs!"" I got a hamburger",1,en
"what did the starving , homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic? fetus please .",1,en
your life doesn't get better by chance. it gets better by choice,0,en
What's the brightest airship ever made? LED Zeppelin,0,en
What's the difference between Hitler and Americans? Hitler knew how to use an oven.,1,en
q : what's a blonde's favorite color? a : a light shade of clear .,0,en
In America they have stand up comedy. In the Balkans we have Sit Down Tragedy,1,en
What do you call an alligator with a vest on? ... ...an investigator.,1,en
"I just changed my iPhone's name to ""Titanic"" and plugged it in. It's syncing now",0,en
What do you call a man with a colander on his head? COLIN! Duh!!!,0,en
"""On a sunny day in April, England is the most beautiful country on Earth."" And some years they have two sunny days!",0,en
"Did you hear about the romantic comedy that has a cast consisting only of Vine stars? They've already announced the title: ""P.S. I Got 'Eem"".",1,en
why doesn't barbie get pregnant? because ken comes in a different box .,0,en
What's jesus's favorite gun? A nail gun.,0,en
"great to meet you too, person i'll never see again .",0,en
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.,1,en
Guns marked themselves safe in Santa Fe High School ...,1,en
What's the difference in curriculum between Al Qaeda Flight School and Los Santos Flight School? Los Santos Flight School has a lesson on landing.,1,en
The boy in the striped pyjamas is a sad book. Atleast the good guys won at the end ,0,en
"They say playing video games is a waste of time, but I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when bagging my own groceries.",1,en
why is santa so jolly? cause he knows where all the bad girls live .,0,en
"""Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. "" I advised him to contact Facebook to set it as one of the gender options on the sign up menu",1,en
My current girl friend came to spend Christmas with my family... even though I warned her that their bodies will remain in my basement. ,0,en
what has caused caitlyn jenner to put on weight? trans fats .,0,en
"Reddit is really a green community, considering all the recycled content on here.",0,en
Don't trust the atoms. They make up everything,1,en
"Schooltrip Schooltrip to Facebook HQ, questions time. Kid: Mark, my dad says, that you spy on people. Is that true? Mark: he is not your dad. ",0,en
What did the snowman order at MacDonalds? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !,0,en
Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth. but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already,1,en
I met the guy who inspects all the products McCormick. He's a seasoned expert.,1,en
"I accidentally walked into my son in the shower. Well that's a clean joke, right?",0,en
haha no i do not care what people think of me. why what have u heard tell me everything right now,0,en
I asked out a statistician on a date. She failed to reject me,1,en
"A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite",0,en
what toy did the children want at mcdonalds? the sea man,1,en
What do religions and gender have in common? You hear about a new one every day and none of them make any sense.,1,en
How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west...,0,en
what does usain bolt do when he misses the bus? he waits at the next station,1,en
"how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? just two , but i have no idea how they get in there .",1,en
"I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were. She said ""They're right behind you"".",1,en
How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off,0,en
Whats the difference between a salad and children I prefer my salads dressed,1,en
"a man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned because he couldn't concentrate .",1,en
if you stand next to a fatter person you look better. that's why i work at burger king,1,en
How did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool.,1,en
"What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.",1,en
How different are Jewish and homeless? Nothing,1,en
"Want to hear a joke about paper? Ehh, never mind. It's tearable.",1,en
what's the most popular song at the new freddie mercury night club? dancing queen .,1,en
My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere. well whose fault is that,1,en
"Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth. unfortunately, the earth is round",1,en
I hate ingrown hairs. They really get under my skin,1,en
what's better than winning a silver in the paralympics? being able to walk .,1,en
What is Jesus's favorite gun? A nail gun.,0,en
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!,0,en
"my doctor said i needed to reduce stress. great , now i have that to worry about",1,en
how long does charlie sheen last in bed? two and a half minutes .,0,en
"what's the best name for a quadruple amputee? Matthew, but Matt for short",0,en
what kind of shoes to frogs like? open toad sandals !,0,en
What does a professional dancer and a kid with seizures have in common? They both breakdance on the floor,1,en
What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.,1,en
why does the blood bank never make mistakes? because they're typo negative,1,en
what's the best thing about having insomnia? only one nights sleep til christmas !,0,en
what's the hardest part of a vegetable? his wheelchair,0,en
my mother in law : did you put the weight on? me : no threedots actually i've lost some . you should have seen me month ago . i looked like you,0,en
What do you call a funny pancake? a puncake,1,en
What did the japanese chef do after he dishonored the emperor? Commit sushi,1,en
"How many Hipster's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh, just some number you've probably never heard of.",0,en
How does a blind skydiver know he is close to the ground? The leash to the guide dog becomes flaccid.,1,en
What did the intellectual neckbeard say to his buddy when he was asked about the Mayweather Pacquiao fight? I've never heard of that court case.,1,en
What did the tree say while it was being transplanted? Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!,0,en
why was the mathematician detained at the airport? because he planned to blow up a plane .,1,en
No Deja vu please. I Don't want to go through that again,0,en
what happens to a frogs car when it is parked illegally? it gets toad away,1,en
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more. unconscious,0,en
did you hear the joke about the deaf guy? he didn't either .,1,en
I was gonna tell a joke about a dead baby But I decided to abort,0,en
A guy died from arteries clogging. The doctors' efforts were in vein,1,en
What's the best part of dating someone with Parkinsons? You don't need to buy a vibrator.,1,en
he says i'm cute when i'm mad. well he has no idea of how gorgeous i can be,1,en
Why cant orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.,1,en
"I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could've napped and didn't.",0,en
I just saw the Kardashian sisters and now I feel more Christmassy. Ho Ho Ho,0,en
what is the fastest animal in the world? the ethiopian chicken .,1,en
""" miley cyrus: ' society wants to shut me down ' "" . not down , miley . up .",0,en
Where does a snowman put his birthday candles? On his birthday flake!,0,en
"English is a very weird language Try saying ""I'm sorry"" and ""I apologize"" at a funeral.",1,en
What do depressed people and technicians have in common They are both really good at pulling the plug,1,en
in what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? dublin .,1,en
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie,1,en
A blowfly goes into a bar and asks. Is that stool taken,1,en
Thank goodness for loyalty program emails. I keep forgetting what brands I'm loyal to,1,en
TIL I haven't actually been having conversations with my furniture. My toaster told me,0,en
what's the difference between dreams and memes? i haven't given up on my memes yet,1,en
"I've decided to start spelling ""eggs"" with only one ""g"" to conserve ""g's"" and reduce my carbon footprint. Everything little bit helps",1,en
In colllege what was the difference between pumpkin pie and my girlfriend? I shared the girlfriend.,0,en
how do you make a horse fast? you take away his food .,1,en
it took more than two hours for RMS Titanic to go down. Let that 'sink' in.,0,en
post some more song lyrics as your status. someone will eventually understand your struggle,0,en
""" two messages , sir . first , your tea has run out "" "" correct english is ' you've run out of tea ' . what else? "" "" you've walked out of wife """,1,en
why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? because they're really good at it .,1,en
do you know what is laziness? laziness is the art of taking rest before getting tired . lol,0,en
Why do people love working at yogurt factories? Because of the culture!,1,en
how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? just one but the light bulb really has to want to change .,1,en
i just ate a watch threedots threedots it was time consuming. i'm thinking of going for seconds,0,en
"i don't use my power for good or evil. mainly , i use it to watch tv , microwave food , and charge my phone",1,en
what did robin williams do when he got to his office early? he hung around until his assistant arrived,1,en
"How does a Facebook employee greet each other? Hey there, whatsapp!!",0,en
how did ramadan go? it went by pretty fast !,0,en
"come forth threedots and god said to john "" come forth and receive eternal life. "" but john came fifth and won a toaster",1,en
why dont orphans like baseball? because they don't know were home is ! xd,0,en
How did LaKeisha's Mom finally stop her from bouncing on the trampoline in the rec room? She put a piece of velcro on the ceiling.,0,en
My friend asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water. I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat,1,en
"What causes the bird on a pirate's shoulder to repeat 'pieces of nine, pieces of seven, pieces of nine....'? Parity error.",0,en
What is an owl's favorite band? The Who,0,en
what does god call his nose? god knows .,1,en
"head shoulders.. wheel and frame, wheel and frame !",0,en
there was a terrorist attack on a french cheese shop. reports say there was a lot of die brie,1,en
two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff. bud dum tsss,0,en
"Her:""What do you do?"" Me:""I teach astronomy."" Her:""OMG!! I'm a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?"" Me:""Yes, you'll go home alone tonight.""",1,en
why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? he needed space .,1,en
Did you hear the last Chris Brown's song featuring Rihanna? It's a hit,1,en
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene. An asian girl? Irene,1,en
What do you call an orange cat in summer? Shedder Cheese!,0,en
"older son just taught me something that i didn't know . apparently, the seat behind "" shotgun "" is known as "" kurt cobain . """,1,en
"Oddly enough, ever since downloading AdBlock onto my computer. all the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest",1,en
What is the longest word? Smiles... It has a mile between the two 'S's,0,en
"if you are skydiving and your parachute doesn't open, don't worry you've got the rest of your life to fix it .",0,en
Sometimes I like to pretend I am a cat. and ignore my wife until it is dinner time,0,en
"brought turkey home from the deli and my wife yells "" i asked for ham! "" sorry , wrong sub .",0,en
fries are basically edible cigarettes. delicious edible cigarettes,1,en
Girl on wheelchair: sing for me. Ed Sheeran: when your legs don't work like they used to before.,0,en
"Americans: ""bottle of water"" English: ""boa' o' whaa'r""",1,en
i'm really good at digging underground to find sources of water. you could say it's something i do well,1,en
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.,1,en
How can you tell the apart a Catholic priest and a mod of this subreddit? One likes little kids and the other one holds prayers every night in a church.,0,en
What is green and sits crying in the corner? The incredible Sulk.,0,en
"god said : ' let there be satan , so people don't blame everything on me. and let there be lawyers , so people don't blame everything on satan """,1,en
"A wise sage once told me, ""don't play with words... play with yourself""",1,en
How do you make a handkerchief dance? You put a little boogie in it!,0,en
What breed of dog is the most depressing...? A melancholy.,1,en
"whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed .",0,en
Most of the train accidents happen during fog I love fog.,1,en
"I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery. He thanked me",1,en
"To all the kids who dads left to get milk, stay positive At least he didn't go out for cigarettes",1,en
"How do you make an elephant float? A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.",0,en
why do the scottish wear kilts? because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away .,1,en
"Q: Why are manhole covers round? A: Because if they were square, you couldn't play twiddlywinks with them.",0,en
how many germans does it take to change a lightbulb? one . we are efficient and don't have humor .,1,en
Why did Sally cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt. ,0,en
What do they call a bra in Sweden? A holdsemfromfloppin,1,en
how do you know when your bbq is ready in canada in april? the snow on top of it has melted .,0,en
"what did the math text book say to the shakespeare text book? look , buddy , i've already got a lot of problems , and i really don't need any of your drama .",0,en
"If a person is not feeling well, why should he make a small wager? It will make him a little better.",1,en
what is the best place to hide a corpse? on the second page of google,0,en
I deleted all my german friends on my contant list on my phone. Now its Hans free,0,en
"I've just been in the garden with my stepladder Not my real ladder, I don't get on with him",0,en
What's Piccolo's preferred type of car? DODGE!!!,0,en
who wore it better: Russell Brand or Steven Tyler's microphone stand,1,en
Him: Where'd you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...,0,en
"i saw a beaver build something before it set on fire, hot dam .",0,en
how much power does it take to move a tank? a horse,1,en
I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours,1,en
why did the turkey cross the road? because he's in my belly and he has to go where ever i go from now on threedots,0,en
studies show there is actually intelligent dna in women. but unfortunately most of them spit it out,1,en
If she can go on a train She can feel this pain,0,en
"What is the only thing on earth that goes ""ha ha"" on a Monday? A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.",1,en
Yesterday a Jewish girl asked me for my number I told her we use names here.,1,en
"The greatest distance in the Universe is the one between how people think they look in a Hummer limo, and how they actually look.",1,en
"actors : it's easy to appear blind . look near but never at someone when you talk to them , and if anyone says "" did you see that? "" say "" nope "" .",1,en
Came up with this on a long car ride What's a skeleton's least favorite game? wishbone,0,en
my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. so i have to sit when i pee now,1,en
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe. Sachets away,0,en
"finally successful enough to have "" haters "", still not successful enough to be successful",1,en
If you're scared of butter. use cream,0,en
How do you write an essay that blows people away? With lots of drafts,1,en
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement. THEY'RE EVOLVING,0,en
What kind of oil do paralyzed people like? Vegetable oil,1,en
just dropped my iphone in the bath tub. i think it's syncing,0,en
how come peter pan keeps on flying? because he neverlands,0,en
"Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.",1,en
"What do bees say in the summer? 'S warm, isn't it?",1,en
Why did the circle stop arguing with the two intersecting lines? Because they had a point,1,en
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a budgie? A messy cage.,0,en
What do you call all the different ways a sperm can fertilize an egg? the spermutations.,1,en
What is the difference between a Zombie and a Black ? Zombie used to be a human .,0,en
"what is a pirate's favorite letter? you'd think it'd be r , but really his heart will always belong to the c .",0,en
What did The Count sing after watching The Lego Movie? Everything is a Sum,0,en
"To avoid butterflies in your stomach, don't eat caterpillars.",1,en
why doesn't kermit the frog like elephants? they always want to play leap frog with him,0,en
did you hear about the italian chef who died? he pasta way last night .,1,en
Say what you like about make a wish foundation They commit to a deadline,0,en
"The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it's like excuse me, I'm working here.",1,en
"On the the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me.. Nothing. I don't have a girlfriend.",0,en
What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono.,0,en
"What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat? One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.",1,en
My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest. He wrote a poem,1,en
did you hear they finally caught the watch thief? it was only a matter of time !,0,en
What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.,0,en
what's the difference between a duck? one leg is both the same .,1,en
Dark jokes are alot like food Not everyone gets it ,1,en
"what do you tell a girl with two black eyes? nothing , you already told her twice .",0,en
Who is the hamburgers' favourite actress? Candice Berger!,0,en
what do you call a tree if you don't know what kind of tree it is? it's a mystery .,1,en
Hired out a bouncy castle for my Son's birthday party. It surprised me how expensive it was.. Probably due to the cost of inflation..,0,en
"grammar it is said by people that know grammar the shortest sentence in the english language is : i am, and the longest sentence is : i do .",1,en
billion dollar idea: a condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an std .,1,en
i don't care what bathroom you identify with. if you look under the stall you're going to need a dentist,1,en
Why did the little boy throw the linen off the bed when he saw a ghost? He was scared sheetless.,0,en
Can you name two burgers who are royalty? Sir Loin and Burger King!,0,en
What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty? Because they named him Stevie Twoder.,1,en
why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? he had nobody to go with .,0,en
Why didn't the man buy Velcro shoes? ....because they were a rip off,0,en
what do you get if you cross a fish and an elephant? swimming trunks .,1,en
"Did you know that some vegetables float and some sink? For example, an onion floats in the canal but my disabled son sank. ",1,en
"what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? nothing , you already told her twice . i know this is an old one but i didn't see on here so why not .",0,en
Why does Snoop Dog always smile like he knows something you don't? Because he's been snooping around.,1,en
"if the cup is only half full, i suggest you buy a smaller bra",0,en
Did you know about the guy that invented tampons? He went from rags to riches,1,en
what's the difference between pizza and your opinion? i asked for pizza .,1,en
how is a woman who got her winter coat at target similar to an officer on leave? they both got their fur low .,1,en
"am i the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? also , does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort",1,en
What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don't take me for granite!,0,en
"Shortest Joke Ever Venicine's dear isn't it. Courtesy of Jimmy Carr, great joke",0,en
What's Robin Hood's favourite font? Sans Sheriff!,0,en
"Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.",0,en
ever hear about the roman general who had a fit every time there was cold weather? hail threedots seizure,0,en
Ten years ive been looking for a play on words to impress my friends. No pun in ten did,0,en
where did jessica go after the explosion? everywhere,0,en
I know I'll never be a rocket scientist. because the amount of math they have to do is astronomical and I'm not very stellar at it,1,en
If two vegetarians fight. Do they have beef,1,en
"date : "" so , what do you want to be? "" me : "" impressed . """,0,en
Why are snails allowed on ships? Escargot.,1,en
did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a terrible car accident? he's all right now .,0,en
whats the hardest part of eating a vegitable? the wheelchair,0,en
I went the school of hard knocks. My knuckles are still sore,1,en
"Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the ""energizing"" claims. You're soap",1,en
How do you calm down an astronaut? ...you give him space.,0,en
What did kobe say before dying? Gigi good game,0,en
"I recently started a business hiding landmines in prayer mats Just a few days in, business is booming and prophets are going through the roof!",0,en
How do you know if a baby is dead? It doesn't cry when you nail It's feet to the ceiling.,1,en
How does Harry Potter do web design? Inspecto Elemento,0,en
Did you hear about the cow that tried to hurdle a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster.,1,en
"There is going to be a merger between FedEx and UPS. Yep, they're going to be called ""FedUp""",1,en
"What did the quiet kid say to his classmates while playing hide and seek? ""I'll never be able to find you!""",1,en
Chicken joke me: why did the chicken cross the road person: why did the chicken cross the road?????? me: it didn't i hit it with my truck while going to KFC ,1,en
Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap? It takes longer to pick up.,1,en
"I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome... Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.",1,en
i almost had a threesome once. i only needed two more people,0,en
"sandwich : hi. barman : sorry , we dont serve food in here",0,en
"A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stall. and says ""make me one with everything""",1,en
i finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. i threw my scale out,1,en
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.,1,en
"no matter how bored i get, i'll never be bored enough to go back and read through all the greeting cards i've saved over the years .",1,en
What do you call a male robot that likes to dress up in women's clothing? A transistor. haha,1,en
"my cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, i have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive .",1,en
Why was the binary number so happy? Because of two's compliment!,0,en
"It's impossible to fool an aborted fetus. I mean, it isn't like it wasn't born yesterday.",1,en
"what is gray , has a trunk , and big ears? a mouse going on vacation .",0,en
are people in wheelchairs okay with jokes being made about them? i don't know where they stand on the issue .,1,en
what is a tornado? mother nature doing the twist !,0,en
I like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best,1,en
"what's red and white and red , red and white and red and white? santa claus rolling down a roof !",0,en
"So, I want a refund of my donation to childhood cancer research. I donate every year, and the cancer isn't getting better! In fact, they're living longer!",0,en
"Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly",1,en
Just had my first threesome but it was not what I had envisioned. The other two guys seemed to like it just fine,1,en
"If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.",0,en
What do you get when a mountain climber crosses a mosquito? You can't cross a scalar and a vector.,1,en
"Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.",1,en
i got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. threedots threedots it's a whisk i was willing to take,0,en
"my fortune cookie read "" end of roll. replace """,0,en
Eggs stay away from bowls Or enter at their own whisk.,1,en
"why does a chicken coup only have two doors? if it had four , it'd be a chicken sedan .",1,en
what is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? the penguin who pushed him !,0,en
"sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run",0,en
"I would imagine paying your bills at a library in Prague has to be easy. You know, with all of the Czech books and whatnot",0,en
I love those Discovery programs about space and time. I hope they always Continuum.,0,en
What do you do with spoiled fish food? Load it in the chum dumpster.,1,en
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth... ...have the same middle name,1,en
Why should you never partner with an engineer? They always have plans of their own.,0,en
A man buys shares from the stock market. But he never shared any of it,1,en
How do you make a small fortune in aviation? Start out with a large fortune.,1,en
"How many Emos does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter because there is no light, only dark.",1,en
what do you call a bee from america? a usb .,1,en
how can you tell someone's a navy seal? they'll tell you in their novel .,0,en
Q: Who burped at the big bad wolf? A: Little Rude Riding Hood!,0,en
"who found america ? : d teacher : maria please point to america on the map . maria : this is it . teacher : well done . now class, who found america ? class : maria did .",0,en
i was going to go to the alzheimer's charity run yesterday. but i forgot,0,en
"Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.",0,en
"what is the smartest fruit? it's the orange , boy can it concentrate !",0,en
why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks? cuz she couldn't find the door handle,0,en
I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing. I'm a bit rusty now though,1,en
"Have you seen that new documentary about constipation? Oh that's right, it hasn't come out yet..",0,en
i left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. i often wonder what she's up to now,1,en
how do you find will smith in the snow? you follow the fresh prints,0,en
How did they know Paul Walker had dandruff?  They found his head and shoulders in the glove compartment. ,1,en
why do melons insist on having big weddings? because they just cantaloupe .,1,en
i just deleted all the german names off my phone. it's hans free,0,en
q : what happened when smokey the bear started the forest fire? a : he got arrested just like you would've .,0,en
"what has four legs , feathers , and can fly? two birds",1,en
What's the difference between a bugatti and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a bugatti on my driveway.,1,en
"I refuse to go bungee jumping.... ... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.",0,en
What's the slowest boat? A snail boat,0,en
"My dad died of severe hemorrhaging, and my best friend was disabled by ischemia. Different strokes for different folks, I guess",1,en
what's the similarity between bill cosby and santa have in common? they both come when you're asleep .,0,en
"What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a gluestick? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.",1,en
I'm like olive oil... Extra virgin,0,en
How do you know statisticians are always serious? They mean what they say.,1,en
The power went out. At the gigafactory,0,en
What kind of shoes does Solid Snake wear? Sneakers. Huehuehue.,0,en
You know what really turns me on? Unprotected.....WiFi.,0,en
"what's the best thing about living in switzerland? it's hard to pick one , but the flag is a big plus .",1,en
In light of Germany's discovery of ISIS using mustard gas: What do you call a soldier who's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.,1,en
"autocorrect: can't live with it , can't live meow it .",0,en
mary had a little lamb. the event made medical history,1,en
Testing Did this go up without any tags? ,0,en
What was the last thing to go through Kobe Bryant's head? the ground,0,en
why is harry potter so popular? the story grows on you .,0,en
"in the summer there's only so many clothes you can take off. on that note , please send bail money",0,en
If you lock this post you are a respectable and kind person That's all folks.,1,en
i broke up with this cross eyed girl. i thought she was seeing someone else,0,en
"I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.",0,en
Why was Lara Croft sad? Because her career was in ruins,0,en
someone knocked on my door and asked if i wanted to donate to the organization for children with no hands. i started clapping,0,en
what did the suicide bomber think about the premature bomb explosion? wow this blew up .,0,en
What does a condom and Kodak film have in common?  They both capture that special moment,1,en
I love my globe. It means the world to me.,0,en
"How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.",1,en
What do you call someone with a spice garden on Gallifrey? A Thyme Lord.,1,en
Checking in New is like checking in the basement To see if any of them have bred offspring,1,en
the girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. i regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible,1,en
"Newton's Third Law of Emotion For every male action, there is a female overreaction",1,en
Why doesnt Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and his 'package' is always wrapped,0,en
"I tried to think of a dark joke... Unfortunately, I realized that they were all in the fields",1,en
"but my sandwich is so dry! "" sorry sir , that's not what we do here at the mayo clinic . """,1,en
"yeah , bro. i train and i lift threedots threedots it's easier to get to work that way than to bike and to stairs",0,en
What do you call a picture of an electric piano? Photosynthesis!,1,en
"what is long , hard , round and full of seamen? a submarine .",0,en
What's a tomb that holds three bodies called? A threemb.,1,en
"I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox.. ..no one raises an eyebrow.",1,en
Why should everyone go to the dentist at least once every ten years? Because of tooth decade!,0,en
"if the sign says "" don't feed the fishes "" then what can you feed fishes anyway? nothing . weren't you listening",1,en
i got a free wallet and watch today. it's like this gun is magic,0,en
"""Sorry I didn't have a chance to clean up the place, "" I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.",1,en
did you hear the one about the guy with two wooden legs? they caught fire and he burnt to the ground .,0,en
What's the sound of a water truck hitting a vinegar truck? KAAA DOOOUUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,0,en
They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii The Nukeulele,1,en
Why was the broom late for work? It over swept.,0,en
What city in Germany is known for the flower scenery? Bloomberg,1,en
"michael died while working at the clock factory. none of his friends were sad about it , they all said his time had come",1,en
"My local dental hygienist passed away last week. A plaque was put up in her honour, but it kept getting removed. ",1,en
Why was hans crying at dinner? Because the meat was Chewy.,0,en
How many babies does it take to paint a room? It depends if you have a ceiling fan.,1,en
What do you call the study of Japanese sound? Yakuztics,1,en
"Master Yoda, what sound do sheep make? Yoda: ""Dey go bah""",1,en
Then: Shooting a video for YouTube Now: Shooting Youtube for a video ,0,en
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it,1,en
my girlfriend was crying because she had gum in her hair. i told her to cut it out,1,en
"what's large , gray , wrinkly , and not important? an irrelephant .",0,en
"How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen...",0,en
What do you get when the air conditioning breaks in a nursing home? Roast Vegetables,1,en
"Did you know that Sherlock Holmes was not only a detective, but also a taxpayer? He made inferences and deductions.",1,en
I went to Africa and spoke with the people there. It just clicked,0,en
anyone heard that joke going around about paper? i thought it was pretty tearable .,1,en
how much does the average introvert weigh? not enough to break the ice .,1,en
I love the smell of abandoned commercial manufacturing plants. I find it to be a pleasant old factory experience,1,en
"Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it.",0,en
why does snoop dogg always carry an umbrella? fo drizzle,0,en
What's a nice guys favorite type of wood? M'hogany,0,en
What do statistician's eat for lunch?  Datatertots,1,en
In olden times it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then weddings have been held there and times haven't changed at all!,1,en
What Australian city has the most cats? Purrth.,0,en
wing of a hospital goes on hunger strike did it because it was diagnosed with eat disorders,1,en
"how many gears does a french battle tank have? five . four in reverse , and one in case the enemy is attacking from the rear .",1,en
what's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls? you can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork .,1,en
how do you pick out the extroverted engineer? he's the one staring at your feet when he talks,1,en
What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Deviled eggs!,0,en
"My girlfriend had an autistic kid come into her work called ""Abel"" Ironic, isn't it...",1,en
you know why i quit working at the sausage factory? it was the wurst .,0,en
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the S out of safe and the F out of way..,0,en
"They see a Kurd dead on the road, in his pockets there were an onion and a loaf of bread, The other Kurds said: ""Why did he die? He had everything"" ",1,en
"Scottish Engineers Q: What is the anthem for Scottish Engineers? A: ""All the Single Laddies"" Edit: Read it carefully",0,en
why did the left alt key and the right alt key break up? they needed some space .,0,en
Where do mice park their boats? At the Hickory Dickory Dock!,0,en
workout tip: be paid millions of dollars to star in a superhero movie .,1,en
How do aliens stay warm? Space heater.,1,en
What makes a good Unabomber joke? An explosive delivery.,1,en
the largest city in the world is : the largest city in the world is dublin. that's because the size and population are always dublin,1,en
"When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it's time to lay off the hard stuff.",1,en
"fire works? buddy all fire works haha just some topical humor here on Twitter Online, where anything can happen",0,en
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote,0,en
"why do people say "" get well soon ""? why don't you want me to get well now",1,en
"I wanted to have a threesome.. ..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.",0,en
"i was the wikipedia of my school. people expected me to help with their homework , but completely ignored my constant requests for money",1,en
"what's long , green , and smells like bacon? kermit's middle finger .",0,en
what kind of fruit is also a vegetable? elton john in a coma .,0,en
"I was undressing a guy with my eyes, but my eyelid got caught on a zipper",1,en
poker is a game of pretending you've got something better than you really do. poker sounds a lot like my marriage,1,en
"What is the best thing about gaffer tape ? It turns ""no, no, no"" into ""mmm, mmm, mmm""",1,en
"i just bought a thesaurus from the book store , however when i got home i found that all the pages were blank! i have no words to describe how angry i am .",1,en
Dis earing letters? There's an 'app' for that.,0,en
Sorry a lot of sand came out of my sleeve when I shook your hand; I went to the beach six years ago.,0,en
The best place to pick up girls is in the kindergarten,1,en
Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank? He came in with buns glazing.,0,en
"If you men have your Movember, then us ladies should have our own. Vajanuary",0,en
whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine? when i drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week .,1,en
"lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating. because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything",0,en
"Look at all these people writing in Starbucks, just like Hemingway.",0,en
her : i just read this really funny thing on fb. me : no you didn't,0,en
Lurk I started a subreddit about lurking. No one posted anything,0,en
what do engineers use for birth control? their personalities,1,en
Why did it take so long to see a picture of Saint West? Because he was a Tidal exclusive.,0,en
"What's the difference between a rain gutter and a clumsy outfielder?  One catches drops, the other drops catches.",1,en
what's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza? a pizza can feed a family of four .,1,en
Why use words you don't understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.,0,en
"what did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? "" i made you breakfast in bed ! """,1,en
did you hear about the circus fire? it was in tents .,1,en
"An ant and an elephant are walking in the desert. Suddenly the ant turns to the elephant and says, ""Look how much dust we're kicking up!""",1,en
"Instead of complaining that it's hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.",0,en
wife : he only hears what he wants to hear threedots therapist : is this true? me : she's right . space jam is the greatest movie of all time .,0,en
A girl came up to me the other day. and told me she saw me at the vegan club but I never saw herbivore,1,en
I like my women like I like my babies Cold and unmoving ,0,en
idea: a chinese restaurant called you dim sum you lose some .,0,en
"what is the best armor for sneaking? leather , it's made of hide .",1,en
What hit the ground first? The depressed kid or a leaf? The leaf because the rope stopped the depressed kid.,0,en
How to you make an octopus laugh? ...you give it ten tickles,0,en
"i'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast",1,en
what do you call a medieval dentist? a plaque doctor .,1,en
Hi guys Please like my Facebook page Pubg India memesa Ok pleqse,0,en
"so two elderly grapes are talking then one of the grapes says, is it just me or are you looking a bit prune?",1,en
"Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat! Cat nurse, excitedly: I've got this.",0,en
What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen? Snowballs,0,en
"what's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle , and a poorly dressed woman on a tricycle? attire",1,en
Kid : Dad what do condoms do? Dad : They prevent questions just like this one,1,en
A car made of French bread just raced past me. It was a Baguetti Veyron,0,en
"Not sure if this girl I'm talking to online is real, so on our first date I'm gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.",0,en
"Why could the chicken cross the road? It's meat, Not a vegetable.",0,en
What's on the inside of a clean nose? Fingerprints.,1,en
What do you call a pile of Stephen Hawkings? A salad,1,en
when i go shopping with my wife she thinks i'm bored because i'm looking at my phone the whole time. but that's exactly why i'm not bored,1,en
What does a hairstylist call their resume? A tresume.,1,en
What is brown and hangs from trees? Sticks,1,en
When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions. Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat,1,en
why did sally drop her ice cream? because a semi truck hit her .,0,en
What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO! ,0,en
What's the difference between Jesus and Jews? Jesus was the one who preached about peace but the Jews were the ones who nailed it.,1,en
I wrap children No you didn't read that wrong they have to be fresh before I eat them.,0,en
So I tried catching some fog today. I mist,0,en
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer,1,en
"true love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what is inside threedots the wallet .",0,en
what is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher? would you like ketchup with your chips,1,en
What kind of meat is the cheapest? .. Deer balls Cause they're under a buck!,0,en
What is a ten letter word that starts with gas. Automobile Edit: not really a joke but didnt know where to put it,1,en
what do you call a group of ears? a heard,1,en
What did the fisherman and his girlfriend do last night? Net fish and krill,0,en
Everyone got mad at me because I left my dog in a hot car. But what was I supposed to do? Just leave my nephew all alone?,0,en
Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one but he'll tell everybody.,0,en
You know what amazes me? A maze.,0,en
Try to think of a world without hypotheticals. You can't,0,en
what did the two vegan strangers say to each other? nothing . they didn't meat .,1,en
"why does mexico always do so poorly in the olympics? anyone who could run , swim or jump made it to the usa .",1,en
why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? because he couldn't concentrate .,1,en
What did the officials say whenever systematic punishment was banned? There's no punchline.,1,en
Teenagers these days are inhaling more smoke... than the firefighters in the World Trade Center,1,en
"what's the best gift you can buy at christmas? a broken drum , you can't beat it .",0,en
what's the difference between a ladder and a truck? it's no bad luck to walk under a truck .,1,en
what do women and dog poop have in common? the older they are the easier they are to pick up .,1,en
how do you annoy lady gaga? poker face .,0,en
"Difference between fairies and Bill Cosby Fairies come in your dreams while you sleep, Bill cosby comes in you while you sleep! oc btw",0,en
I used to be a street performer But I could only accept credit cards; it didn't make any cents.,1,en
"why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? i dunno , they just seem a bit shady .",1,en
Did you hear about the naked man who fell into an upholstery machine? He is fully recovered.,0,en
"women call it a secret sixth sense, men call it paranoia .",1,en
"How do you tell the difference between a Fabric Designer and a Science Professor? Ask them to pronounce ""LATEX""",1,en
What happens when a Pokemon goes through puberty? It's bells sprout.,0,en
why do bicycles fall over? because they are two tired .,1,en
What is Kim Kardashian's favorite hockey team? The Chicago Blackhawks,1,en
"i'll try this here. let's all come up with a joke , line by line threedots one person starts , the next adds a line",0,en
What did the bread maker say to the wheat? I loave you.,1,en
have you seen the new interview of john cena? yeah me neither threedots,0,en
Whats the difference between toast and Frenchmen? You can make soldiers out of toast.,0,en
What do you call a guy that overeats for the sole purpose of getting stomachaches? A glutton for punishment.,1,en
What do you hear if you hold a kebap to your ear? The silence of the lambs,1,en
I've just bought that new Lynx deodorant breadcrumb edition. The birds can't get enough of me!,0,en
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist beach? Well..it's not hard,1,en
"they're not all brilliant , but they're all mine. meaning my tweets , and maybe my kids , whatever",0,en
what did cinderella do when she reached the ball? she choked .,1,en
"Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today. I said no way, we should be concentrating on locking them up",0,en
"photon a photon checks into a hotel . the front desk man asks if he has any luggage . the photon replies "" no, i'm travelling light . """,1,en
Was sagt der groe Stift zum kleinen Stift? Wachsmalstift,0,en
Did you hear about the autistic guy that sat on his food at Fuddrucker's? Turns out he just had Aspergers.,1,en
"great shoulder tattoo. i bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today , right ?",0,en
What grazes in the Higgs Field? The Higgs Bison!,1,en
"Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the others relies on tales",1,en
"A man was about to jump off a cliff... ...and before he jumped he said, ""I'm doing this for Jesus Christ! "" I think he took a leap of faith.",1,en
The reason Rhianna stopped working with Chris Brown was because he had awful rhythm. He put too many beats in a measure,1,en
what do you call a laptop that sings? a dell,1,en
"a friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but then he forgot, toucan play that game",1,en
"Unless you're telling me how to skip it in the future, your voicemail greeting wastes my time.",0,en
"what's a hippies favourite food? peas , man .",1,en
what do you call a religious owl? a bird of pray .,1,en
has anyone seen my jacket? it's white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt .,1,en
"A genie grant a man two wishes Genie: What is your first wish? Jeff: I want to be Rich Genie: Okey, what is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money",0,en
you wouldn't steal a gate. so why would you take offense ?,0,en
what's the best way to catch a rabbit? hide in the bushes and make lettuce noises .,0,en
how do you know when santa claus is nearby? you can feel his presents threedots,0,en
a girl told me that i have a really strong tongue today. it was my dentist holding my tongue back as the other one was filling a cavity,1,en
Never Judge the Beauty Of a Girl By Her Profile Picture. Judge it By the Photos She is Tagged in,1,en
how many germans does it take to change a light bulb? nein .,1,en
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a very large bill.,1,en
"My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that",1,en
"All in all, it's just a. nother post on my wall",0,en
I'm about to leave this sub This was a good sub but the bots ruined it. Peace,0,en
Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.,1,en
Did you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders behind the couch,1,en
why did the poor dog chase his tail? because he was trying to make both ends meet .,0,en
What is Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe.,0,en
how many kids with add does it take to screw in a light bulb? hey wanna go ride bikes,0,en
Jesus died for our sins Which one?,0,en
Jokes How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!,1,en
ever just read somebody's post and think threedots what th h is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense .,0,en
"If you ever get attacked by a shark, don't forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.",1,en
What's the difference between water and blood Blood tastes good,0,en
i burnt my hawaiian pizza last night. i should have used aloha setting,0,en
"what is the only thing on earth that goes "" ha ha "" on a monday? a bit late , but threedots a blonde who heard a joke on friday .",1,en
"If Shrek can find love, so can you.",0,en
My jokes are so funny that when i tell one my wife either laughs or gets a kick out of it ,1,en
"i was gonna throw all of my socks in the bin, but i got cold feet .",0,en
No place like home. Said Fritzl and proved it. ,0,en
looking forward to monday? you're married,0,en
"So anyway, one of my favorite pastimes is not drowning.",1,en
what does a dyslexic agnostic wonder about? is there a dog,1,en
My father has the heart of a lion He also has a life time han at the zoo,0,en
"If a threesome with two guys and a girl is called a ""manwich"", what do you call a threesome with two girls and a guy? Vaggie burger.",1,en
what happened to the cow when she tried to jump over the barbed wire fence? udder destruction .,0,en
Why did the limbless guy not want to clean his house? He wasn't comfortable with the task at hand,1,en
What lives on a farm and says moo? a bilingual chicken,1,en
Which joke applies to laundry and history? Never put whites with colors,1,en
What sound does a pinewood derby car make when you rev it? Wooooooden Woooooooden Woooooden!,0,en
"with a calendar, your days are numbered .",0,en
what is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? some traffic signs say stop .,1,en
i like my women exactly how i like my pet. i like both to be horse !,0,en
what's the name of that movie about the war horse? war biscuit,0,en
Where is the best place to hide a dead body? The second page of a google search.,0,en
How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West? By Bony Express.,0,en
What's the difference between a truck full of sand a truck full of muss? You can't unload a truck of sand with a pitch fork. ,0,en
TIL: Amy Winehouse spent the last moment of her life watching her own video clips on Youtube before her death. She must have read the comments,0,en
What's the difference between Jesus and my dad? Jesus said he will return.,0,en
If the Swiss Army knife is so good. How come the Swiss army never fights,1,en
"I once bought a llama to surprise my girlfriend... ""A llama? "" ""No, surprise her.""",0,en
"I've been told I have to tell a joke about barometers. Ooh, the pressure",0,en
"How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas? Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste.",1,en
Why are elephants grey? So you can tell them from flamingos !,0,en
"Went to petit trois tonight and it was delicious! Man though, sitting in a high stool for all of dinner was tough on the old girl",1,en
I too went to the reddit restaurant. I had to ask other customers for sauce for any of the dishes,1,en
Sometimes I wake up crabby. Sometimes I let her sleep in,0,en
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers,1,en
what kind of chips do you eat in the bath? shower cream and onion .,1,en
"i thought i really understood what i was thinking, and then i spoke .",1,en
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel? Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!,0,en
"Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...",0,en
Know how I upset my balcony? I couldn't make it to the bathroom.,0,en
"i used to crush cans for a living, didn't like it though threedots it was soda pressing .",0,en
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature,0,en
how does a welshman find a sheep in tall grass? very satisfying .,1,en
"q : what's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a porsche? a . with a porcupine , the pricks are on the outside .",0,en
The Hiroshima bombing was a beautiful sight It melted the hearts of the Japanese people.,1,en
""" omg, what a cute baby . he's adorable . makes me want threedots oh never mind he's crying now bye """,0,en
What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up.,0,en
Where did Ronda Rousey learn how to take a punch? Holm School,1,en
I hate when it rains cats and dogs. I just stepped in a poodle,0,en
What did kataras mom and Anne frank have in common They were both incinerated,1,en
"""Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen. "" Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen",0,en
"I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist",1,en
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! The dog came third.,0,en
New music is so bad you should be cool like me: longing for a fictionalized version of the past you werent even alive for in the first place,0,en
What's the difference between a good woman and a flatfish? The flatfish doesn't know it's plaice.,1,en
What type of music is xxxtentacion and Mac Miller classified as. Underground music ,1,en
"Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream. Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby",0,en
"At a job interview: ""What are your strengths?"" ""I'm an optimist and a positive thinker. "" ""Give me an example"" ""When do I start?""",1,en
Why is Superman's costume so tight? Because it only comes in size 'S',0,en
"Now matter how sad I get, the length of your skirt reassures me that everything will be OK.",0,en
What's the secret to a great joke The timing. The timeing,0,en
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside!,0,en
My girlfriend and I are in sync! Like the band. Or soap.,0,en
Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy? A: Rear Admiral!,0,en
What do you call a disabled person drowning? Drown syndrome,1,en
"when a programmer is born , what are their first words? "" hello world ! """,1,en
my grandfather had a stroke this week. he saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself,0,en
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns. It was a play on words,1,en
doctor doctor i think i'm a bell? take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring !,0,en
why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? so the sharks aren't hungry anymore .,1,en
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room? A: They never know when to come in.,0,en
So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here,1,en
"if you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway .",0,en
"Delivery is an important part of telling a joke. Except abortion jokes, they don't have one. ",1,en
today's no reddit day. don't reply to this,0,en
want to hear a word I just made up? plagarism,1,en
how did rihanna know chris brown was cheating on her? she found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles .,1,en
how do you confuse helen keller? you tell her to read a basketball .,1,en
today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool. i gave him a glass of water,1,en
Helen Keller was well known for her ability to make people feel like winners.  Mainly because they played charades.,1,en
Being a Jedi isn't all bad. I've been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades,1,en
"i've been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet .",0,en
Did you hear the news about the failed plan to send ISIS a shipment of deactivated bomb vests? People are surprised it's blowing up.,1,en
"Become a PhD After many years of studying at a university, I've finally become a PhD. or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it",1,en
"if you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a facebook event invitation .",0,en
What do you call a person who loved tractors but doesn't any more? An extractor fan,1,en
I bought a timeshare on a racehorse. It's a nightmare,0,en
what do you do when a chemistry teacher dies? barium,1,en
How to bring pacman to life Scratch your head and think of the Wakas. Soon you'll see pacman while brushing your teeth,0,en
It is a little known fact that the Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle. Until one side mysteriously disappeared,1,en
I really want to buy one of those grocery store check out dividers... But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.,0,en
What did the boys do ToGetHer? Roam And Tick things..,0,en
"just checked weather . if anyone is curious what's in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow . i will be wearing every article of clothing i own .",1,en
My girlfriend wanted a so we got one They've been going at it for too long now,0,en
"Why was Albert Einstein's dad afraid to teach him vowels? Because everytime he tried, he kept owing his son money!",0,en
Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum? He was just minding his Ps and Qs.,1,en
What did the Golden Gate bridge say to the Golden Gate river when they broke up? I'm over you.,0,en
i tried to catch some fog. but i mist,0,en
"for lent i've decided to give up my new year's resolutions, now pass the girl scout cookies .",0,en
How do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.,0,en
Corrected: What do you call India's top TV Show? Dan Singh with the Sitars,1,en
Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse? In the foliage.,0,en
YouTube is the nicest company ever. They just want to even the playing field so their competitors have a chance to catch up to them,1,en
I'm so terrified of asking my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast that... I've been walking on eggshells all day long!,0,en
If I had a dollar for every gender. I'd have two dollars,1,en
What's a surfers favorite move A Sandy Hook ,1,en
What's Michael J. Fox's favorite drink? a milkshake,0,en
"Ever since Jim got cancer, he's been feeling really crabby",0,en
Tried to phone the huge thumb helpline. Dialled the wrong number.,0,en
what is the smallest mall? small !,0,en
Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements? The liter.,1,en
when i was young i was scared of the dark. now when i see my electricity bill i am scared of the lights,1,en
The food in our school canteen is perfect. If your a bug!,1,en
What's an Xbox fanboys' least favourite film? P.S. I Love You,0,en
"I just gave my new secretary a sexy dress for her first week's salary. Next week, I'm going to raise her salary",1,en
Old musicians don't die. They just decompose,1,en
what does a tornado and a woman have in common? it starts with a little blowing but at the end your house is gone,0,en
Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water? Because bros before hose.,1,en
What does s funeral and wedding have in common After the ceremony a stiff gets buried,1,en
What makes a salami excited? When the ham is cured!,0,en
really? everybody was kung fu fighting,1,en
what do you call a kid who tells bad jokes? a redditor,1,en
"what do you get when you cross an insomniac , an agnostic , and a dyslexic? someone who stays up all night , wondering if there is a dog .",1,en
"Mercury Remember when Freddie Mercury said,""Don't stop me now""? Guess nobody did.",1,en
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.,0,en
as a german i have to ask : you know what really grinds my gears? nothing . our engineering is perfect .,1,en
What do you call the excessive bleeding after an abortion or miscarriage? The fountain of youth,1,en
"love is blind, said the blind to the deaf i can see that .",0,en
I don't have a sense of entitlement. but I deserve one,0,en
i used to think no one cared what i have to say. then i joined reddit now i know it's true,0,en
"I went to a blind tasting session the other day. It was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see",1,en
"hey kevin , why do you like fungi on your pizza? cause i'm a vegetarian .",0,en
"I need to order faster internet then :D Lag makes you violent, not the games :D",0,en
The colour you see when you close your eyes Yeah same as those people that you think about autobot,1,en
What is Chris Brown's favorite cooking appliance? A Black and Decker,0,en
"i went to a wedding for two antennae The ceremony was pretty bad, but the reception was amazing",1,en
"My friend abandoned me because I'm insecure  No wait, he's back. He just went to get some water.",0,en
What is a creationist's favorite button in pokemon? B to cancel evolution,0,en
"My aunts zodiac sign was cancer funny, the way she died... Killed by a giant crab",0,en
"do you know why women love zombies? because zombies love what's on the inside , not the outside !",1,en
A person went to the firing range It was a teacher only day,1,en
What is the most common educational degree in New Mexico? Kindergarten dropout.,1,en
"toast i'd like to propose a toast, but i'm all out of bread .",1,en
What becomes packed between periods? School Hallways,1,en
Hate it when you open the fridge and can't find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.,0,en
what did the atlantic say to the pacific? nothing . it just waved .,1,en
"when i wake up every morning , things always go well. i'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot",1,en
"HR: Can you explain this. Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes",0,en
Puns leave me numb. Mathematical puns leave me number,1,en
"what's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? you should know , you've only read it twenty times .",0,en
Sequencing. What's the key to a good joke?,0,en
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his saw? He got a little behind in his business.,1,en
what do you call a dwarf psychic on the run? a small medium at large .,1,en
How did Hellen Keller break her arm? Reading a sign on the highway,0,en
"how many canadians does it take to change a light bulb? none , they don't change light bulbs , they accept them the way they are .",1,en
"Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now. Anxiety: Haha...Christmas.",0,en
"hy haven't you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they're really, really good at it.",1,en
Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs,1,en
what's the best thing to bring to your holiday party? a christmas tree . because they're lit .,1,en
Kennedy can drive a dodge But he can't dodge a bullet,0,en
"When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside",1,en
I don't care that i can't scrape cheese. I have grater problems to worry about.,0,en
Four out of five dentists recommend brushing to deal with plaque. The other one recommends attaching a lion head to it,1,en
Learn to solve your problems like a constipated mathematician. Just work it out with a pencil,0,en
"i just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together english .",0,en
What's the difference between a Snickers and my girlfriend? Snickers satisfies.,1,en
Come over to the Nerd side. We have Pi,0,en
what do you call an english teacher who used to have anxiety? past tense .,1,en
did you hear about the murder of the door maker? the police said it was an open and shut case .,1,en
"When Egypt had no internet, it was called Gypt.",1,en
I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days. Excellent.,0,en
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down. I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place,1,en
Why did Kevin's Ice cream fall down? Because he was hit by a truck,0,en
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven acht nein.,0,en
anyone hungry? i read there's some leftover cat .,0,en
I dont trust atoms. I heard they make up everything,0,en
"what's the best thing about switzerland? i don't know , but their flag is a big plus .",1,en
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it,1,en
"Once you hit the speed of light... Once you hit the speed of light, you have infinite mass. So you know what? That's my problem: I'm not fat, I'm fast.",1,en
Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's OK now,0,en
"Taco Bell is planning on doubling the 'meat' in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they're informing us in advance",1,en
"America, a land. where many people think the moon landings were fake but professional wresting is real",1,en
I like my men like I like my chess players. They know how to make an opening,1,en
what do you get if you cross a dentist and a soldier? a drill sergeant,1,en
What is relationship of Buddhism and reposts. ? When someone starts a joke with Buddhism it will end up with reposts. ,1,en
Missed Connection: You were attractive. I awkwardly overreacted to your presence,0,en
""" how do you know that god isn't a woman? "" because i'm not a sandwich .",1,en
i never dreamed that little pictures on a screen would feel like friends. yet here i am,0,en
What did the nucleus say to get the electron up? Up and atom!,1,en
What's the pound's new name? The ounce,0,en
"Doctor! Doctor! I think I have Barry Manilow's disease! ""What are your symptoms? "" ""I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!""",0,en
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.,1,en
what's worse than being told by your doctor that you have gonorrhea? being told by your dentist,1,en
"a real boyfriend will blow up his girl's phone when she's mad at him. she may not want to answer , but at least she'll see his effort",0,en
"Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse ""You mean Centaur, right? "" Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh",0,en
How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.,1,en
"how many women are necessary to change a lightbulb? one threedots but , what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it",0,en
"a tornado is a lot like having an affair. at first there is a lot of blowing , but in the end , you just lose your house",0,en
What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese? A paddy melt!!,0,en
what do you call a cow that's recently given birth? Decaffinated,1,en
"Me: I got my first TOTD! It's exciting! Him: What's that? M: um, well, it's an imaginary trophy... H: well then I'm imaginary proud of you.",0,en
Where did Jaden go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere,0,en
What's the name of Brendan Dassey's favorite band? The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.,0,en
I like my women how I like my text wrapping. Tight,0,en
"if you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is .",0,en
"whats the difference between a piano , a tuna , and a bottle of glue? anyone can tuna piano , but nobody can piano a tuna !",0,en
You know Toothpaste was invented in Alabama? Anywhere else and it would have been called Teethpaste!,0,en
"me : this is a nice, quiet neighborhood . real estate agent : this is a cemetery . me : i'll take it .",0,en
I installed some new Humbuckers on my guitar. Now the ladies call me a pickup artist,1,en
What do you call a bent pickaxe? A minor problem.,1,en
"Someone asked me to make a joke about cancer... I said, ""Sorry I can't sir.""",1,en
"a woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal. i dunno , what do you want ?",1,en
how can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer? they look at your feet instead of theirs .,1,en
"A man walks to the counter at the store with an adult toy. ""Hey, can I try this out before I buy it?""",1,en
How did harry potter get down the hill? he came running jk rowling,0,en
There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!,0,en
can you even work your smartphone? in what capacity,1,en
what do you call the only wood that doesn't float? natalie .,0,en
If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower how did the barbers arrive? On clipper ships.,1,en
how many bears would bear grylls grill if bear grylls could grill bears? none . he'd eat them raw !,0,en
How much do deodorant factory workers get paid? A pittance.,1,en
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking,1,en
How many tickles... How many tickles before a squid starts to laugh? Ten tickles,0,en
What was Jesus' favorite sport? Crossfitting.,0,en
"i'm not very good at baking threedots my friend said to stick with it dough, it'll pan out in the end .",0,en
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured. ,1,en
"what did santa say when he saw your mom , sister , and girlfriend all together in the same room? merry christmas !",0,en
what has four legs and is made out of wood? a horse .,1,en
Today I brought a computer back from the dead. I've decided that this makes me a techromancer,1,en
"A photon checks into a hotel.. The bellhop asks, ""Can I help you with your luggage? "" The photon replies, ""I don't have any, I'm traveling light.""",1,en
saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. also the single people with concerned relatives,1,en
What's the best blood type? Blood that is circulating.,1,en
"I once had a dog named Tax. Every time I opened the front door, Income Tax",1,en
i used to have a job crushing cans. it was soda pressing,1,en
what type of clothing does a house wear? address .,1,en
my smart phone doesnt work. i push home and i'm still at work,0,en
i ate too much bread at the indian restaurant during lunch today. it was a naan issue,1,en
"have no kids? hire a babysitter anyway , say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken . return home and ask where your child is .",0,en
I capture lions for a living. I guess you could say I take pride in my work,1,en
What is a orphans favorite chip bag size? The family size,0,en
What is the worlds wettest animal? The reindeer,0,en
"What do you call a Catholic marrying a Catholic, and a Protestant marrying a Protestant.? Same Sects Marriage.",1,en
"i was desperate for a job, so my friend offered me one as a test subject in a wind tunnel but i wasnt a fan",0,en
You'll never guess what my login name is. Constipated,0,en
"trust is the most important thing in a relationship. after all , if you can't trust your girlfriend , how do you know she won't tell your wife ?",0,en
my sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti: you should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta !,1,en
WHAT DO WE WANT? no more interruptions! WHEN D now!,0,en
"Vacationing in Switzerland ""So did you enjoy the beautiful scenery? "" ""I couldn't really see much because of the mountains.""",1,en
How do you get a baby into a bowl? With a mixer! And how do you get it out of the bowl? With Doritos Chips!,0,en
How do you measure the weight of a hipster? In Instagrams. ,0,en
It's My First Cake Day and I'm Scrambling. How Does Moses Make his Tea? He Brews It!,0,en
I went to a sea food disco last night... I pulled a mussel ,0,en
Her: Do you consider yourself broadminded? Me: All I ever think about are broads... so I'll have to go with a yes on this one.,0,en
"did the depressed rope maker succeed? sadly , he did knot .",1,en
"Playboy Magazine has announced that they will no longer publish nude pictures in their magazine. O, The Oprah Magazine, has vowed to pick up the slack",1,en
"help me, i am trapped in a haiku factory save me before they",0,en
"What do you call lettuce that has been frozen? An ""Ice""burg lettuce",1,en
How do you know a drummer is at your door? The knock speeds up.,0,en
"what's the shortest possible sentence in canadian english? sorry , eh .",1,en
"I wanted to be a palaeontologist, but my parents said there was no future in it",1,en
I was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf,0,en
What's the worlds most forceful fig? The Fig Newton.,0,en
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog...because it croaks every night,1,en
"What you shouldnt answer when a parent asks you what to do if their baby wont stop crying I dont know, just foogle it",0,en
"had a date last night , but i don't kiss and tell. so i'll tell you all about it",0,en
I might not know how to turn a 'no' in to a 'yes' ... But duct tape can turn anything in to 'hhmmm mmh h!' Which in my experience is even better than a 'yes',1,en
"My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day. He brought her out and said, ""meet patty""",0,en
if i had a dollar for every time someone told me i am handsome i would have exactly one dollar .! thanks mom .,0,en
i grilled some chicken today threedots what a waste of time. he still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road,0,en
What do you get when a camel pukes in the desert? A hot mess.,1,en
"What did the boy without hands get for his birthday? Nobody knows, he hasn't opened the presents yet.",1,en
"""You know what, that's some? .."" ""Calm down you're being irrational right now.""",0,en
"Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we're rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family",1,en
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Hiter's Ideas are everything but new. ,0,en
"what did the duck say when he bought lipstick? "" put it on my bill . """,1,en
I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited. Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.,1,en
"if it ain't broke, i haven't borrowed it yet .",0,en
what do you call an alligator wearing a vest? an investigator .,1,en
My handheld social networking device is ringing! What do I do?,0,en
"My marriage is based on trust. And according to my wife's lawyers, that trust is based offshore",1,en
did you see the story about the missing dolphin? i'd tell you more about it but there's really no porpoise threedots,1,en
"What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked? He couldn't think of anything, and said ""I'll mullet over""",1,en
"""Hey Fred"" Yeah Barney? ""The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band"" Yeah but ABBA do!",1,en
do you know the best way to cook lamb? well done ewe .,1,en
Did you hear about the haunted burlesque theater? Things went bump and grind in the night.,1,en
"her : are you okay? me : yea , great ! this isn't even my blood !",0,en
"Threesomes I never understood the obsession with threesomes, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would have lunch with my parents.",1,en
"Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back? And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, ""Dude, c'mon...""",1,en
"I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!",1,en
what did tennessee? the same thing as arkansas,1,en
"a young woman rolled her eyes towards me, so i picked them up and rolled them back .",1,en
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence? A flat back four!,1,en
The doctor's had some troubles convincing Jim he had gone deaf. He wouldn't hear it,0,en
"how do you make a dog go ""meow""? Freeze it solid then push it through a band saw. MEEEOOW!",0,en
What's Stephen Hawkings favorite food? His shoulder,0,en
i spilled laundry detergent on my rug! it really tide the room together .,0,en
What does a TV's poor connection and a pregnant woman have in common? Both can be fixed with a metal coat hanger,1,en
What do you call the special olympics swimming pool? Vegetable soup,1,en
What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily? The military service.,1,en
shrimp why did the shrimp cross the road? to get to the other tide .,1,en
Where can you find a dog with no legs Right where you abandoned it.,0,en
God: done? Noah: yea G: whats this Noah proudly: a swing set G: u built a park. I asked for an ark N: a what? G: a boat N: say boat then,1,en
I graduated top of my class at Hypochondriac University... I am valetudinarian ,1,en
What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.,1,en
What is the fastest cake in the world? scone. 's gone,0,en
don't make eye contact with me at mcdonalds. we're both here for our own sad reasons,1,en
Early reports say Robin Williams died from arson. But I Doubtfire,1,en
what is hellen keller's favorite color? corduroy .,0,en
"Prison may be just one word. But to others, it's a whole sentence",1,en
How do you know if the wedding you are at is for older people? The bride will be walked down the isle in an urn.,1,en
Kobe is not dead. No. he never passed.,0,en
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Bleecker St. You insisted you weren't choking and put up a good fight,0,en
What's concurrency? Fake money they use in prisons.,1,en
Where do you date a feminist without body hair? In the oncology.,1,en
What's the easiest way to confuse an anthropologist? Hold up a used tampon and ask him to identify which period it's from,1,en
how did the hillbilly find the sheep in the tall grass? satisfying,0,en
How do you call an IT teacher that touches his students? A PDF File,0,en
What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral.,1,en
What do they sing in a retirement home on Christmas? Last Christmas,1,en
I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again,0,en
What type of wheel does the Christianity Car use? Catherine wheel,1,en
"when i practice my saxophone i have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know i'm not kicking it around the living room .",1,en
"The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of ""Congrats"" and ""Best wishes"" but no ""I still question your sexuality"" anywhere",1,en
what's red and black and screaming all over? stevie wonder when he answers the iron .,0,en
What do you call a fish without any eyes? Boneless chicken,1,en
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method's,0,en
"my urge to sing "" the lion sleeps tonight "" is just a whim away. a whim away , a whim away",1,en
I was going to buy some classical CDs. But it turns out I'm baroque,1,en
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it,0,en
i'm considering becoming a mind reader. what are your thoughts ?,1,en
"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.",0,en
Never believe minotaurs. Half of everything they say is bull,1,en
What do cookies and girl scouts have in common They are both better cream filled,1,en
What happened to the tree after it caught fire? It became entally handicapped,1,en
"a picture is worth three, maybe four words tops .",0,en
"i hope i'm never involved in a long trial, mostly because i only own one suit .",1,en
Did you hear about the weather report from the ski resort in Lake Tahoe? Partly cloudy with Sonny around a tree.,1,en
What do you call a bee that comes from the US? A USB,1,en
What's a rabbits' favorite TV show? Hoppy Days.,0,en
"i know we're smarter than dogs, but whenever i hear them bark for no reason i'm positive they know more than i do .",1,en
q : what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? a : shore .,0,en
What did the lonely clock say to the other? I hope you have the time tic come toc to me,0,en
My friends parents are so cool They were playing chess together. My parents just died.,0,en
i have no super powers. i'm guessing i'm the villain,1,en
"i found a stray cat today . sadly, my dad is allergic to them so i had to put him down . at least i still have the cat for comfort .",1,en
"They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet It's got scientists scratching their heads. ",1,en
"if you read into something enough , it can be offensive. i like puppies",1,en
Can I lock the entire sub reddit? No seriously though,0,en
my girlfriend complained we don't spend enough time together. so she came up with a perfect solution threedots threedots and broke up with me,0,en
"if your uncle jack helped you off a horse, would you help your uncle jack off a horse ?",0,en
What does Paul walker do when he sees a red light? Dies ,0,en
What do old men and the Niagara Falls have in common? Just receding.,1,en
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves? The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence,1,en
"this blind guy walks into a fish store threedots this blind guy walks into a fish store he turns to his buddy, "" wow so many chicks """,0,en
What do you call an Irish man sitting in his garden? Paddy O'Furniture. haha,1,en
Happy 'Ask a goat what month it is month'. Today is the special day when jokes get mystic powers of expression for certain class of words,1,en
how do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? it's not hard .,1,en
"We can't deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.",1,en
you don't need a parachute to skydive. you only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice,0,en
"Anyone want to come over for a topless pizza party? I'll supply the dough, you bring the toppings.",1,en
"When you're feeling down, just remember. you've accomplished more than Steve Jobs this year",0,en
sticks and stones may break your bones. also good : lead pipes,1,en
you know what they say about corn? you only borrow it threedots,0,en
What's Iron Man's favorite ride at the carnival? The ferrous wheel.,0,en
why did the boy like doing trigonometry? just cos .,0,en
Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early from work do,1,en
"i failed my health and safety test today apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer",1,en
"They say size matters, you know what doesn't... Comment and you'll find out",0,en
What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door? It won't be long now...,0,en
"tifu and by i, i mean ellen pao .",0,en
What's the difference between water and a crippled person Water can run,0,en
"my friend told me i don't know what irony is threedots which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop .",1,en
good news! i've been given a goldfish for my birthday . . . the bad news is that i don't get the bowl until my next birthday,0,en
"Two particles are trapped in a field One particle says to the other ""I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum""",1,en
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment ,1,en
"What do girls at church, and girls in tje bathtub have in common.. Girls at church have hope in their soul, girls in the tub have have soap in their hole",1,en
"did you hear about the binary stripper? If you flip her ones, you can turn her bits on.",1,en
How do you catch autistism Go to the special ed class with a fishing net.,1,en
q : how do you keep a blonde in suspense? a : give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say ' hi . ',0,en
What do you call the fanatical elite military units of the Belgian armed forces? Waffle SS,1,en
"online dating has its good points. you can choose your own name , lie through your teeth and you can't smell their breath",1,en
"Intellectual Joke Helium walks into a bar, The bar tender says ""We don't serve noble gases in here. "" Helium doesn't react",1,en
"The Three Words You Dread What are the three words you dread the most while making love? ""Honey, I'm home.""",0,en
I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her,1,en
"When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.",1,en
you never have to worry about starbucks running short on coffee. i hear they always have a latte,1,en
"Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from",1,en
"Did you hear the rumour about butter? Never mind, I better not spread it.",0,en
What car does Boba Fett drive? A ManDeLorean.,1,en
Who needs a wife anyway?  How hard can it be to boil toast?,0,en
q : how do you circumcise a whale? a : you send down five skin divers .,0,en
"what does a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce have in common? either way , someone is losing a trailer .",1,en
"new york , "" darling , can i go out in this dress? "" "" yes dear , it's already dark out . """,0,en
I feel so bad for my grandpa he died in the holocaust Poor guy fell from the guard tower,0,en
what's the opposite of the sun? the guardian .,0,en
I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia.,1,en
"which one comes first i just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet, to see which one comes first threedots i'll keep you posted .",0,en
"If watermelon exist why doesn't earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.",1,en
"i recently got crushed by a pile of books, but i suppose i have only my shelf to blame .",1,en
Q: What do the Amish call a jar full of honeybees? A: A vibrator.,0,en
Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang? It doesn't come back .............. it just sings about how much it wants to.,1,en
There was a fire at the supermarket I work at today. We now offer a large selection of smoked goods,1,en
Watching all those FPS videos on YouTube didn't help the shooter She couldn't even off anyone except herself.,0,en
"did you hear about the italian chef that died? yeah , he pasta way",1,en
How do you win a Scandinavian race? By crossing the Finnish line!,0,en
My cousin is a total audiophile. He came as soon as he heard,1,en
"if you do not say it, they can't repeat it .",0,en
Does a basketball player with an extra chromosome. have both ups and downs,1,en
what's the difference between a customer and a weatherman? one knows he's not always right .,1,en
What's the most flexible type of music group? An elastic band.,1,en
whats the best way to go cliff diving? without the body of water,0,en
the way to treat women is always in your heart. beat beat beat,0,en
why did snow white buy an android phone? she thought the apple was poisoned .,0,en
"do indian restaurants have any bread? nah , they have naan .",1,en
Last night my blind date asked me if I had any kids. I almost told her about the six in my basement.,1,en
If you're a vegan who does crossfit. which do you tell people first,1,en
"I lovingly caress my belly. ""You're expecting? "" a woman asks. I smile serenely. ""Just ate an amazing burrito,"" I tell her.",1,en
Why couldn't Miley Cyrus go to the party? She had to go t'work instead.,0,en
to clean up or just move. this is the question,1,en
what's the difference between a snowman and snow woman? snowballs,0,en
where do trees keep their money? in branch banks .,1,en
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled? The wheelchair floats to the top.,1,en
"why did mozart kill his chicken? because when he asked the chicken "" who's the best composer "" the chicken said "" bach , bach , bach """,1,en
have you heard about the rabbi who did circumcisions for free? he worked for tips .,1,en
Why was the pianist so depressed? Because they weren't good at Chopin.,1,en
"a fight or flight situation. like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher's walking towards you with "" the look "" on her face",1,en
why wasn't the man considered attractive? the laws of gravity didn't apply to him .,1,en
The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it. They called it Tuesday,1,en
"A freudian slip So for those of you who dont know, a freudian slip is when you say one thing but you're thinking about a mother",1,en
cheesy joke what did the big cheese round say to the baby cheese round? getting older isn't going to make you the big cheese .,1,en
"i went to a blind fortune teller the other day she looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future .",0,en
"I'm very good to my wife, everyday I'll run the hot water and put the bubbles in for her. just to make doing the dishes that bit easier",1,en
where do dead people buy their cigarettes? at the coroner store .,1,en
"Recently my girlfriend has got into equestrian bdsm Last evening she asked me to watch her whip, then watch her nay nay",1,en
"I have to be honest, before the Winter Olympics I just thought Canada was a place Michael Moore made up.",0,en
"Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means ""Doing the Facebook"". Her daily posts are much more entertaining now",1,en
"before the wedding i have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less .",0,en
"coffee asked "" why do i always get coal in my stocking. "" santa : because your on the not tea list",1,en
what did one bean say to the other? how you bean doing .,1,en
What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone,1,en
I was playing laser tag with my epileptic freind... He started brake dancing in the middle of it,0,en
What will happen if I paint my computer black? Will it run faster or stop working?,0,en
A boiled egg in the morning. is hard to beat,0,en
"Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run",0,en
Are you an organ donor? Or an organ don'tor?,1,en
My mom nearly had a stroke in a strip club last night. But she couldn't quite reach,1,en
What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter,1,en
what does a tree do when he's going on a vacation? he packs his trunk and leaves . i should go back to studying now . k bye .,0,en
"why does the official Reddit app aways crash? Unfortunately Reddit has stopped working, would you like to report the issue",0,en
"Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.",1,en
"I help blind kids Verb, not adjective",1,en
I had a scary dream. Glad they're still in the basement.,0,en
"to all those who received a book from me as a christmas present, they are due back at the library today .",1,en
"what did bob marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge? "" no , woman , no pie . """,1,en
stereo types exist for a reason. because not everyone wants a sony,1,en
How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker,0,en
"opposites ? what is the difference between light and hard ? if a man tries long enough, he can sleep with a light on threedots",1,en
"What do a wheelchair transport bus and a grocery truck have in common? When they crash, the vegetables spill onto the road.",1,en
"Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.",0,en
what is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? attire,1,en
"I found my son trying to color with the caps of his markers still on them, I think he's artistic. ",1,en
Let's hear it for snow! .. The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.,0,en
Did you hear about the Egyptian boatman who refused to believe his craft was sinking? He was in denial,1,en
what is a horse's favourite sport? stable tennis !,0,en
why was the comedian so depressed? he felt like everyone was just laughing at him .,1,en
Whats the biggest seesaw called? TITANIC.,0,en
How many livers do people have? I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.,0,en
What do you call an older man who goes after young boys? Nittany Lions,1,en
"I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . . So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?",0,en
Why is Lush Cosmetics making so much profit in Saudi Arabia? Their signature Bath Bombs took the nation by storm,1,en
Why did the orphan cross the road? To meet up with his parents,1,en
"Who's the most famous person with anorexia? Tim Cook, he always wants to make the iPhones thinner",0,en
"When a man falls off a boat, you say, ""Man overboard!"" What do you say when a woman falls off a boat? ""Full speed ahead!""",1,en
What's Medusa's favorite kind of cheese? Gorgonzola.,0,en
Exactly how many good deeds do you have to commit to get into Heaven? I'm talking bare minimum here.,0,en
The other day I snuck into the local zoo and spotted an Albino Cheetah It was the least I could do for him.,1,en
have you guys heard about the new internet milk? it's for cereal .,0,en
"what do you say to a handicapped dog? "" stay """,1,en
Why doesn't Africa have any hospitals? Because hospitals treat people,1,en
How do you beat George Foreman in a fight? Punch him in the grill,0,en
"If I could be any arithmetic operation, I'd be subtraction. I just want to make a difference",1,en
A joke died on stage. It leaves behind an orphaned punchline,1,en
"Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say ""I am beautiful"", which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense.",1,en
"In my doctor's waiting room, I explained to a WWII veteran what a Twitter follower count is. I think he regrets winning the war now",1,en
why are vegetarians good in giving head? because they are used to eating nuts !,1,en
What do you call bumblebee fetuses? honey nut cheerios,1,en
What is the name of the martial arts discipline that the anime girl that you are in love with practices? Wai fu.,1,en
"""Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit! "" ""That's Diane Keaton.""",0,en
"I had to return my Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav  It kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart",0,en
War Machine is such a hard worker. That he even took his work home with him,1,en
"me: if santa is all knowing, then he could solve every crime but he just doesn't hostage: can i go to the bathroom me: no",0,en
Passion of the cross was a great movie They really nailed it on the crucifixion sence.,1,en
"i want to pass away peacefully , in my sleep , like my grandpa did. not screaming in a car crash like the passengers in his car",0,en
you know what really makes me smile? facial muscles .,0,en
"him : do you want to run away with me? me : we won't actually be running , right",0,en
"when a jehovah witness dies, heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home .",1,en
Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's? A woman changes hers more often.,0,en
I thought I broke my sewing machine... ...but it seams fine now.,0,en
what does a dog see in the mirror? a chair,1,en
What baked treat shares its name with a gynaecological apparatus? Flapjacks.,1,en
"So one physicist asks another physicist So what's new? The physicists responds, C over Lambda.",1,en
SPOILERS: Finding Dory was just a Movie. about her for getting home,0,en
If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material,0,en
what did the ocd man get thrown in jail for? organized crime .,1,en
"if i ever start a customer service company, i'm going to name it ' hold please ' .",0,en
"Have you guys ever eaten Ethiopian food? Eh, that's okay. Neither have they.",1,en
why was the pilot jealous of the chef? because of his ground thyme .,0,en
Quitting smoking was the easiest thing I've ever done. I've done it hundreds of times,1,en
"Whenever I struggle with my identity, I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I find it's the best place for self reflection. ",1,en
"Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.",1,en
Why was the Sun mad at all the clouds? Because they kept throwin shade,0,en
what are you listening to right know? candy shop .,0,en
I work as a Lie Detector for police interrogations. At least it's honest work,1,en
"If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.",1,en
What do you call a calm Asian man? A Mellow Yellow,1,en
Chadwick Boseman was a real Chad Even though it is a DEAD meme,0,en
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You've probably seen our posters,1,en
"if my life flashes before my eyes, i hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes i've blocked from my memory .",1,en
"another "" iron man "" joke iron man is a superhero. iron woman is a command",1,en
Thousand Oaks? More like Hundred Oaks. ,0,en
"""Pistorius"" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would have use to make someone's legs disappear. This is Frankie Boyles joke, not mine",0,en
Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That's why the other countries are winning.,1,en
did you hear about the underwater snooker player? he was a pool shark !,0,en
How do you turn a duck into a chart topping soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers,1,en
Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!,0,en
"my new thesaurus arrived today , and it's terrible. and another thing , it's terrible",0,en
"I needed to clean my FleshLight, i heard they were dishwasher safe. But that would Just ruin the load",0,en
how do you stop an angry rhino from charging? you take away its credit card,1,en
"what's large , grey and doesn't matter? an irrelephant .",0,en
"I think I'm going to adopt a kid. Recycling is important, after all",1,en
I have an irrational fear that I'm accidentally making up words. I don't want to be misunderstandable,1,en
"my favorite selfies are the ones people post of themselves looking off in the distance, like they didn't realize they were taking a selfie",1,en
"Every day me and my dog go for a tramp in the woods We enjoy it, but the tramp's getting a bit fed up",1,en
"I wanted to tell you a FedEx joke. But there was already one yesterday, and I don't want you to get FedUp",0,en
There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together. They're called velcrows,1,en
Wanna hear a joke about eye fluid? It's vitreous humor.,0,en
"So I saw a truck called 'The Morse Deliverers' reversing yesterday, For some reason it just kept on saying 'S'",1,en
What's the best thing about cot death? You get a good night's sleep before you find out.,1,en
"what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? you can roast beef , but you can't pee soup .",0,en
what do you call a blind deer? no eye deer,1,en
Why don't blind people have an opinion? Because they dont have a point of view.,1,en
What's the difference between my Dad and an elevator? An elevator can support a family.,1,en
"If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims",1,en
The flat earth theory is somewhat true As many people saw the end of their world on top of Mt Everest,1,en
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered,1,en
"whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? one has hope in her soul , the other has soap in her hole .",0,en
Women think that they can do the same things as men. But they haven't successfully oppressed an entire gender,1,en
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman,1,en
Difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? I can actually believe that there's a painting of Jesus,1,en
What is the only car that can actually get you girls? A pickup truck,1,en
what do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? a widow .,1,en
why is it bad for blind people to skydive? it scares the hell out of the dog,0,en
What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas !,0,en
I just got married today It's unreal. I can still remember the the exact moment when every woman in the world became instantly more attractive,0,en
"santa is always jolly, he knows where the naughty girls live .",0,en
You hear about the guy who got lost in Africa? He didn't know where Togo.,0,en
Why did the African man stop sipping his cup of water? He realised it's for the whole family to share,1,en
i love dry erase boards. they're remarkable,1,en
"Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge",1,en
why wasn't jesus born in the usa? because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin .,0,en
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.,1,en
Why is Toblerone shaped like a triangle? To fit in the box.,0,en
"A mountain was next to another mountain.. An earthquake happens and one of the mountains say.. ""It wasn't my fault! "" credit to my awesome science teacher",0,en
Why are elephants wiser than chickens? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant,1,en
"I took a piano lesson with Elton John. He was so nice, he even offered to push in my stool",1,en
my wife told be that i don't understand the concept of irony. which was ironic because we were in the car at the time,1,en
I'm going to rewrite history. History,0,en
"oh , you're straight? well , so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet .",0,en
lpt: what to do when someone is having a seizure in a bathtub throw in a load of laundry .,0,en
"An emo and leaf falls, which lands first? The leaf because the emo got stopped by the rope",0,en
"if you leave without a reason, don't bother coming back with an excuse .",0,en
What is the difference between a freezer and a kid? One of them still works when you pull the meat out.,1,en
i finally read to the end of the dictionary today. it turns out the zebra did it for me,1,en
TIFU by quitting my job as a train driver and downing a bottle of ketchup. I went off the rails and straight on the sauce,1,en
"Staying in every night and watching sitcom reruns, it's like every night is Prom Night.",1,en
A new study has proven. A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer,1,en
What is a java programmers favorite bird? A BlueJ,0,en
i just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. so i guess i am able to live off the land if i ever needed to,1,en
What did the little boy with no limbs get for Christmas? Cancer.,0,en
What will they now use on photos for LGBT magazines? an airbroosh,1,en
"I heard a tree talking to me the other day, but I couldn't understand what it was saying... then I realized I was in vietnam.",0,en
"My high school bully just made my McDouble, so I guess I won; but then again I am eating at McDonald's so I guess it's a tie.",1,en
what do you call your mum who is shorter than you? a minimum .,1,en
You can call me a bike Because I love it when people ride me but I love it even more when little kids ride me,0,en
"some people have a way with words, others not have way .",1,en
What band was Harambe In? Gorillaz,0,en
Why do I vape? It's how I let off a little steam.,1,en
I am a male who goes through monthly week long periods. of unrest while my wife is on her menstruation cycle,1,en
i have a bad ping. it might be terminal,0,en
I'm worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered,0,en
"Ppl at Starbucks are weird. They love it when I bring our chihuahua in a little baby stroller, but get all freaked out when I let him nurse",0,en
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore. I told him to grow a pear,1,en
Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house? because he has gnocchi,1,en
"if you think special k is boring, wait till you try normal k .",0,en
What does a chicken do on Reddit? It relays its eggs. ,1,en
What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach? No one ever told me to drink Naruto,0,en
"What you dad say to you sister's friend? If there's grass in the field, I'll play.",0,en
why couldn't the bike stand by itself? because it was two tired,0,en
I've just bought a film on DVD about a prisoner that finally gets parole. I've waited years for it to be released,1,en
Who is Jay Gatsby's favorite superhero? Green Lantern. And his least favorite? Deadpool,0,en
"Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you.",0,en
"how many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? i don't know either , i walked out early too .",1,en
"Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.",0,en
"So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we're having a baby. My name, address and telephone number",0,en
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they would be called baygulls. My dad loves this joke.,1,en
Why did the chemist ask to eat beans with the Queen? To learn how noble gasses are formed.,1,en
attractive woman : what time is it? me : haha . yeah definitely,0,en
I was disappointed to find out my countertops were linoleum. I guess i took them for granite,1,en
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.,1,en
What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root Beer.,1,en
Why was the zombie in such a rush to get to his book signing? He had deadlines to meet,1,en
I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her,0,en
"somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman",1,en
"just when i think i've run out of tweets, i come up with this one .",0,en
"yes , i read the internet. but only for the articles",0,en
what program do jedi use to pdf files? adobe wan kenobi,1,en
"I have a way to make math easier. Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.",1,en
"i lost my laptop on the beach yesterday now it's a dell, rolling in the deep",0,en
i got a new job ! i got a great new job working for the mint. i'm gonna make so much money ! also steal a bunch,0,en
"did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art ?",1,en
"wait, there's nothing in this air and space museum !",0,en
i watched mad max: fury road today .,0,en
what do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection? a quarter pounder with cheese,1,en
How is a man and a Tuba similar? You blow the bottom half and noise comes out the top half,0,en
If Jason Bateman had a servant. Would his servant call him Master Bateman,0,en
"you say, "" i think we should see other people "" like i haven't been doing so ever since we started dating .",1,en
"i dropped my phone, is everyone okay ? !",0,en
what breaks when you give it to a twelve year old? her hips .,0,en
what happens when an elephant sits on a car? it breaks the trunk .,1,en
What is Kobe Bryant's least favorite song? I Believe I Can Fly,1,en
"I have a stepladder... It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.",1,en
why did the blind couple get divorced? they couldn't see eye to eye,1,en
Have you guys heard about Ariana Grande's career? I heard it's really booming ,1,en
what do you call a tortoise in a shell suit? a tortoise .,1,en
why did jesus stop playing hockey? because he kept getting nailed to the boards .,1,en
"writing my first book, i got stuck on the details threedots threedots ended up haiku .",1,en
"arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement threedots threedots in the end, you ignore it all and click "" i agree "" .",0,en
today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe. happy birthday isaac newton,0,en
"if actions speak louder than words, then why is it the thought that counts ?",1,en
What do you call an Argentinian victim of grand theft auto? Carlos,1,en
"Today at my school, someone dressed up as the Reaper for Orange Ribbon week He was looking pretty Grim",1,en
what did the pony say when it had a sore throat? sorry i'm a little horse !,0,en
what is the biggest battery size? the d . it's huge .,0,en
what does Micheal Jackson have in common with an Xbox they are made of plastic and little kids turn them on,1,en
i slept right through the alarm this morning. good thing it was only a small fire,0,en
A list of sounds everyone loves  Shoes on gravel Crackling of fire The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you Cats purring ,0,en
"What is long, hard and there to please your lover? A bad movie!",0,en
hi ! this is my first time in a fitness center . how do i start? personal trainer : by putting down that pizza slice !,0,en
"The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry's in the oven. I'm going to bed",1,en
why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? because if they fell forward they would land in the boat !,1,en
How many ninjas does it take to. Where did that lightbulb come from,0,en
What do you calls sushi in Serbia? Nishikori,1,en
why did dairy queen get pregnant? threedots because burger king didn't wrap his whopper,0,en
what do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? homeless .,1,en
you lost your phone and it is on silent? too bad . if you liked it you should have put a ring on it .,0,en
Frodo Baggins doesn't get Back Court Violations in basketball. He gets a There and Back Again,1,en
"I was proud and surprised when my wife gave birth. But deep down, I knew she had it in her",0,en
Why are so many middle aged men going to Japan? Google the Age of Consent in Japan. ,0,en
the local news says we can tell there's been a power failure with their new app. call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off,1,en
what do you call a homeless guy who broke up with his girlfriend a while ago? a man who hasn't eaten in days .,1,en
"anytime someone loses something in the office hr doesn't ask if anyone's seen it, they just send out an email that says "" give it back josh """,1,en
Good thing Kobe Bryant's daughter was with him on that helicopter. Playing in the WNBA would have been worse.,1,en
did you hear the one about a pony with a cough? it was a little horse .,0,en
"Wise Chinese saying A wise chinese man once said ""If the dog is still barking, it is undercooked.""",1,en
"I can't think of a single reason to use an idiom If you ask me, they're for the birds",1,en
several people dancing around a pen threedots what is the movie name? independence day,0,en
i'm going to a deodorant party at the weekend. roll on saturday,0,en
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water,1,en
"Movie Opinion As far as I'm concerned, Precious is the best film in the Big Momma's House franchise.",1,en
Did you hear about the new divorcee Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.,0,en
"What was Helen Kellers favorite candy? Skittles. Can't see the rainbow, but at least she can taste it.",0,en
What's the difference between a dad and a boomerang A boomerang comes back,0,en
What's a poker player's favorite sitcom? Full House.,0,en
What is red and keeps getting smaller? A baby with a cheese slicer,0,en
"My wife sang, ""What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?"" I replied, ""Evidently not.""",1,en
I dropped my newly born baby in a ocean and it survived...... Only for a few minutes.,0,en
What instrument does the uterus play? The fallopian tuba.,1,en
Quitting smoking is a lot like getting out of a relationship. It's a sad and slow realization of all of the things that you used to like to do it after,1,en
What do Luke Skywalker and George Floyd have in common? They were both killed by excessive force,1,en
"i don't mean to make your monday morning worse, but we'll never be able to wear shorts in space .",0,en
RIP hot water You will be mist.,0,en
"""Keith Moon was Nuts"" Another insightful nugget of trivia from Opie. Oh you means the rock drummer that put fish and explosives in his drums was ""nuts""?",1,en
Why did the girl spray her clock? It was full of ticks.,0,en
"a zen master once said to me , do the opposite of whatever i tell you. ' so i didn't",1,en
What was the black lab's favorite planet? Earf! Earf!,0,en
What do Dave Mirra and The Offspring have in common? No Self Esteem!,0,en
The universe implodes. No matter,0,en
What do pelicans eat? Anything that fits the bill.,1,en
A speech should be like a woman's skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep it interesting!,1,en
Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo? A cub reporter.,1,en
What's the definition of a Wookiee? Someone who doesn't have any expewience,1,en
"If you run through an airport yelling ""Marybeth I love you don't go! "" then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.",0,en
My grandma died from a stroke while reading I guess she couldn't put that book down.,0,en
Whats the difference between a coloured person and a trampoline? You take your shoes off on a trampoline,1,en
"Was describing something to my mom Me: It's creamy and delicious and it starts with a ""C"" Mom: Cheescake!",1,en
"Nepal: ""just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag"" All the other countries have rectangles ""TWO TRIANGLES"" Alright ok fine",0,en
Where do frogs keep their treasure? In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow !,0,en
how do you buy hair? you have toupee,0,en
what do you call a hard working machine? juan deer,1,en
have you heard the rumor going around about butter? never mind . i shouldn't spread it .,0,en
BLGT Ranking it from best to worst.,1,en
"do you remember how before social media nobody cared what , where and with whom you ate? still nobody cares .",0,en
"What connection does Reddit have to the real world? Recycling. Reuse, Reuse, and Reuse.",0,en
why did the woman miss the spaghetti train? because it went straight pasta !,0,en
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can't afford another malpractice suit,0,en
Give me your best jokes regarding or featuring animals. For science,1,en
What's does rednecks and yeast have in common? They're both in bread.,1,en
"what has two arms , two legs and eats ants? uncles",1,en
Have You Ever Had Ethiopian Food? Friend: No. Me: Neither Have They,1,en
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!,0,en
"Golden words by a wise man: ""If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel...""",1,en
how did harry potter get to the bottom of the hill. walking jk rowling,0,en
did you hear about the fire at the sprinkles factory? hundreds and thousands were reported missing .,1,en
What sleeps in a bed but also shakes uncontrollably Cameron Boyce,0,en
Why do hipsters love Harrison Ford? Because he's Indie!,0,en
What did the Bunny say to the Bear? Let me burrow in your honey.,0,en
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt? He touched the beaker before it was cool.,1,en
What happened to the Jewish Beatle's shoes? Rubber sole.,1,en
"when the guy at subway asks what type of bread you'd like , say cookies. when he laughs , ask to speak to the manager",1,en
what do elephants use as a tampons? sheep .,1,en
"did you hear about the man who fell asleep at the wheel? there was a terrible mess , clay everywhere threedots",0,en
"""I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, we're all dudes."" All rise for Thailand's national anthem!",1,en
"don't ever run away from your problems, unless your problem is being chased by a bear .",0,en
Boomerangs are Australia's largest Export. And Import,1,en
What is the best way to break a shield apart? Seth Rollins with a chair,0,en
Does someone who sleeps on the ground because they like a hard mattress. prefer to sleep on Terra Firma,0,en
How do tree surgeons live? Life on the hedge!,1,en
Meta Knight walks into a restaurant. There is no counter,0,en
Just saw X at his funeral in a casket Guess you could call it an xbox,0,en
What's a rapper's favorite candy? Eminems.,1,en
How do you know Jesus really likes Easter? He had a huge resurrection.,0,en
"I had a great date with a Jewish girl, afterwards she asked for my number I told her here we have names",1,en
I read about the lost puppy that was found in the local newspaper. Whoever bought that copy must have been frightened.,0,en
It isn't a surprise that Hong Kong isn't doing well in international soccer Since their strikers always get beat,1,en
Like the man who has run out kleenexes. this is bound to come in handy,0,en
"i'd follow humor pages on facebook but most of the time i see a joke, i've already reddit before",1,en
offer: free guitar no strings attached,0,en
what's the difference between a bj and reddit gold? your mom never gave me reddit gold .,0,en
do old men wear boxers or briefs? depends .,1,en
Money can't buy you happiness At least it can buy me slaves to reduce my workload,1,en
The AMAZON rainforest IS IT REALLY A RAINFOREST IF IT CATCHES FIRE?,1,en
how does a tail pipe feel after a long car ride? exhausted .,1,en
What do you call pizza that isn't yours? Impersonal pizza,1,en
What's the difference between a jew and a cake? The cake doesn't scream in the furnace,1,en
What do you get from a forgetful cow? Milk of Amnesia.,1,en
"From the studio that brought you finding Nemo and finding Dory, Pixar presents Finding Maddie",0,en
"First trick or treater of the day just came round dressed as Gloria Gaynor At first I was afraid, I was petrified.",0,en
What is the same between a gun and a gym teacher When one shows up all the children start runnung,1,en
"i told my boss i'm calling in sick today . he said, "" you can't do that when you're already here . "" is that true you guys ?",1,en
"I'm not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I've won and the number that I actually own.",1,en
Could you please tell me what a slightly better alternative to a pokeball is? That'd be great.,0,en
what would be the worst meal for a football wife? oj and rice,1,en
"if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know",0,en
why is outer space so clean? it's a vacuum !,0,en
"What's that coffee drink with icecream? I used to know it, but... Affogato.",0,en
How do windmills feel about renewable energy? They're pretty big fans,1,en
What do you call an Irish man that bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.,1,en
What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband? O'Pressive.,1,en
Who wins most of the medals for bravery in Burger Land? The meatball heros!,0,en
What do young girls have in common with being pinned down? the marines can't pull out in time,1,en
why don't bears wear socks? they have bear feet,1,en
What do you call it when Iron Man does a cartwheel?  A ferrous wheel.,1,en
Apparently you can tell if a woman likes you because of the placement of her feet If her feet are by her head i guess it means she really likes you,1,en
why were the teachers eyes so crossed? she couldn't control her pupils .,1,en
what's the difference between a porcupine and a mercedes? a porcupine has the pricks on the outside .,1,en
"I can't find a single Ekans here in Ireland with Pokemon Go. Thanks, St Patrick",0,en
"can you name all of santa's reindeer? no , they already have names .",0,en
Church: Follow Jesus. Me: Does he follow back? Church: .. Me: .. Church: .. Me: Shoutout for shoutout,1,en
That sad moment when her booty flat... But then you find out so is her heart rate,0,en
"i organized a threesome last night threedots there were a couple of no shows, but i still had a good time .",0,en
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital? The hip doctor.,0,en
What kind of cheese should Richard eat? Ricotta,0,en
What's a life without manitees? A life with out porpoise.,0,en
Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.,1,en
"a woman at work told me i look younger with my glasses off. i told her she looked younger with my glasses off , too",1,en
i'm gonna sell my vacuum cleaner. it's just collecting dust,1,en
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!,0,en
"why are hurricanes named with female names? because when they come , they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them .",1,en
Why are fish so gullible? They fall for things hook line and sinker!,0,en
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common? They can both smell it but neither can eat it.,1,en
"A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior",0,en
What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton,0,en
I used to believe in god Then I turned six,0,en
"genie : you have found my lamp , so i must grant you four wishes me : i thought it was three? genie : you need four",0,en
Where do Pandas live? On the road to Extinction.,1,en
I like my potatoes like my children Skinned and mashed,0,en
one thing you should always look for in a woman. a pulse,0,en
What does a neckbeard eat for breakfast? Pankeks.,1,en
I met an exercising nun. She was a firm believer,1,en
how do police know that princess diana had dandruff? they found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel .,1,en
"I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable No pun int. Ended",0,en
The wheelchair You know the joke by the punchline in the title. I will see myself out.,0,en
"Vici, vidi, veni We conquered, we saw, we came.",0,en
"santa at an interview in an it company . manager : do you know ms office? santa : if you give me the address , i will go there sir .",0,en
So I saw infinity war yesterday Avicii dies,0,en
I can do a Snake impression My friends say it's pretty solid,1,en
Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter time? Cuz they'll get chapped lips. Brr.,0,en
Q: What happens when two oxen bump into each other? A: You have an oxident.,0,en
Guys a new person joined the homeless club Say hi to Quasimodo!,0,en
"an egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river threedots he's still in the nile .",0,en
"Even after repeated search attempts, the atom couldn't find its lost electron. Yet, on the brighter side, it remained positive",1,en
"What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!",0,en
What does my little sister and milk have in common? They have a expire date,0,en
i knew my younger sister was becoming an archeologist after she started dating her best friend's father. she loves to be around old bones,1,en
thursday is like your high school boyfriend. it feels good but you know something better is right around the corner,0,en
what does a new tesla car smells like? elon musk,0,en
"when someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it's polite to act surprised",1,en
"I'm at a red cross event in Ethiopia and I ask a kid what his favorite food is he responds ""What is food?""",1,en
"How does a frog greet a rabbit during the holiday season? Hoppy holidays, and have a hoppin New Hare! Happy holidays everyone.",0,en
The blind guy was shocked when his mom died unexpectedly He didn't see that coming.,1,en
Heard about the school shooting in Crimea? It was close to the Crimea River.,1,en
What does a human have in common with a chicken? They both taste amazing,1,en
Q: What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests? A: A cramberry.,0,en
What kind of yogurt does a skeleton eat? Actibia.,1,en
Why did the skeptic man have high blood pressure? Because he kept taking advice with a pinch of salt!,1,en
How does a Hutterite find his sister in a corn field? Very good,1,en
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Seriously my light in my basement is out and need to know how many to get.,0,en
why can't pirates finish the alphabet? they get lost at c .,0,en
What can you serve but not eat? Divorce papers.,1,en
What do the twin towers and kobe bryant have in common? They both blew up,1,en
"if you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might i suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview .",1,en
"What did the man in the ""Race for a Cure"" say to the three people beside him? ""we're walking four abreast.""",1,en
what did one cell say to his sister that stepped on his toe? mitosis,1,en
What Schools and school shootings have in common Sometimes we don't want to do it but it has to be done eventually,1,en
"don't regret doing things, regret getting caught",0,en
What color were Kurt Cobaine's eyes? Blue. One blue one way and one blue the other way.,0,en
"We would tease Jacob because he had glasses. Once we pulled them of him, but then he began to tease us because we had glasses",1,en
What's it called if women in heaven still menstruate? A grace period.,1,en
what's the difference between a priest and acne? acne waits till puberty to come all over a kid's face .,1,en
I can have dinner at a native American restaurant. Who needs reservations?,1,en
Call me weird but I like kids' meals in fast food restaurants And i also like the kids there,1,en
What did the physics professor shout when he disproved Hooke's Law in early to mid March? Spring break!,1,en
What was Chris Benoit's favorite match type to practice at home? Triple Threat,1,en
Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life? He had a stable job. I guess uh.. I'll just leave,1,en
note to self: do not try shopping for a pearl necklace online . ever . again .,0,en
question everything. or should you ?,0,en
Why did the lone dolphin stop swimming? He didn't see a porpoise...,0,en
They call me Moses. Cause I parted that Red Sea last night,0,en
I can't believe no one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!,0,en
"what has five arms , three legs and a head? the finish line at the boston marathon",1,en
how do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting? talk in your sleep .,0,en
Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated? Because he thought people were taking him for granite.,1,en
My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr',0,en
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives,1,en
why does Stephen hawking only do one liners he can't do stand up,1,en
"i've reached this point in life , where i have no idea what i'm doing. i've always been there , i just admit it now",0,en
Where did the family go after the explosions? Everywhere.,1,en
Never heard this joke before. neither will you,0,en
Girls like it when guys are mysterious and enigmatic... So I've stopped telling my 'girlfriend' where her family is.,1,en
Why can't bike stand on its own? ...because it's two tired.,0,en
New Soviet sitcom: World Meets Boy,1,en
"soft drink. Clean Jock A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink. ",1,en
"i only have two feelings, it's either "" i'm hungry "" or "" i shouldn't have eaten this much """,1,en
I have an excellent memory. I cant even remember the last time i forgot something,0,en
how do you make a kleenex dance? put a little boogie in it .,0,en
A cartoonist died in his home. Details are sketchy,1,en
what is that thing called when your crush likes you back? imagination .,0,en
What does a skydiver do when his parachute dosen't open? Skydying,0,en
"A Stormtrooper and a Red Shirt get into a firefight. The Stormtrooper misses every shot, and the Red Shirt still dies",1,en
Did you see the bus that hit Helen Keller Neither did she.,0,en
You don't have to like me. I'm not a Facebook status,0,en
My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear. He also sells shampoo,1,en
How do you know that peanuts are fattening? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant,1,en
"if two wrongs don't make a right , what do two rights make? the first airplane .",0,en
"To everybody whose birthday is today. I am sorry that your birthday was not yesterday, otherwise you would have had a puny birthday",0,en
How's it hanging? directly below the point of suspension,1,en
What's the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher? Two days.,0,en
What do you call a group of depressed people? Suiside Squad,1,en
helen keller what was helen keller's favorite color? corduroy .,0,en
"what did the captain say to the men before they got on the boat? "" men , get on the boat . """,1,en
What do you call a horse with no nose? A yes horse.,1,en
what's the fastest animal in the world ? a chicken crossing ethiopia. what's the second fastest animal ? threedots the ethiopian chasing it,0,en
why did the spider cross the road? to get to his website !,0,en
what's the difference between linkedin and mcdonald's? mcdonald's knows how to use salt,0,en
"First Date Me: ""I work everyday with animals."" Her: ""Oh how sweet!! What is it that you do?"" Me: ""I'm a butcher."" ",1,en
Parliment and Funkadelic used to be great bands... But now they are defunct.,1,en
what's the difference between you and a baby bird. the bird got laid,0,en
"You know those voices in your head? Choose the smartest, sanest one and call it you.",0,en
Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that,0,en
i love grape but the g is silent,0,en
What is one charity that has a higher death rate than PETA? Make a wish foundation,0,en
Throwing a life preserver to someone drowning in boiling oil is a futile act. Unless of course that life preserver is made of dough,1,en
Would you like to try African food?? They would too. They would too.,1,en
"My dad just had thought surgery and i asked him if he could still talk he said yes, and i'm about to email the doctor to see if i can get my bribe back.",1,en
Did you hear that Helen Keller joke ? Neither did she.,0,en
what sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's iq was below average? slow children playing,1,en
My dad's a magician He's done a disappearing act since I was young.,1,en
What do you call a line up of dolls? A Barbie Queue,1,en
Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in: Remission Impossible,0,en
What's the Difference Between A Black and a Tire? A tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it,1,en
"no , i can't come to your wedding. i just realized the remote works through the blanket",0,en
why was the car naked? it was missing a tire .,0,en
what do you call a dog wearing headphones? ear bud,1,en
University. Close to being unemployed but with your parents still being proud of you,1,en
what do you call a smart blond? a golden retriever .,1,en
"Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.",1,en
"My friend told me somebody is spying on her from outside her house Which is funny, because I don't see anyone else out here",1,en
What are the three fastest means of communication? Internet telephone telawoman.,1,en
I was pondering life with the cat wizard. Then he said something that gave me paws,1,en
Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures; they only use pubic transportation.,1,en
"In my local park there are three holes in the ground. Well, well, well",1,en
"what did the lumberjack say to the trees? run , forest , run !",0,en
"apparently, engineers talk how doctors write",1,en
What do you call a guy with no shins? Tony..... toe knee,1,en
i keep all of my fishing equipment in one place. that's what sea shed,1,en
I had a good dentist appointment earlier. He said my tooth is in great condition.,1,en
This dermatologist waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder. She's reluctant to make a rash decision,1,en
Science created Skyscrapers and Airplanes but only faith brought them together,1,en
Why do navy ships carries Marines? Because sheep would be to obvious.,1,en
"Wanted: A pack of Polo's, Unopened. In Mint condition",0,en
"my girlfriend text me earlier "" why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts? "" i replied , "" sorry babe . michelle . """,0,en
School shooting jokes are getting old But the kids in the jokes aren't,1,en
How long did the notch last? Notch that long,0,en
what do guys like but are afraid of? girls,1,en
I keep my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. Easy! It's right next to the sage.,1,en
"Calm down, Windows Update. I'll restart my computer during work time",0,en
"Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes",0,en
My sister always likes my pastries Especially the creampie special,1,en
what's more fun than seven dead babies in a tree? one dead baby spread on seven trees,0,en
what did jupiter say to saturn when he found out saturn was pregnant? did you planet,0,en
"a man asks the waiter : "" why do you have your thumb on my steak? "" "" so i don't drop it again , sir . """,1,en
"So I was hanging out with this tree. It was shady, so I left",0,en
anyone want to know my secret to quit procrastination? i'll tell you tomorrow .,0,en
what does a robot do at the end of one night stand? he falls off,1,en
"If he's a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?",1,en
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike the screaming passengers in his taxi.,1,en
"""Does this uniform make me look fat? "" Asked the insecurity guard.",1,en
bloody good question how can you ever be late for anything in london? they have a huge clock right in the middle of the town .,1,en
"Currently eating organic raspberries that I didn't wash over my kitchen sink, in case any ladies out there dig the whole ""bad boy"" persona.",1,en
What do we call a mix of cerebral palsy and vegetable state? Cerebral parsley,1,en
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino? elifino,0,en
"my girlfriend just told me, i'm sorry i am married .",0,en
what did the homeless guy eat after he dropped his hamburger? ground beef,1,en
what's the difference between a happy person and et? a happy person has a light heart and et has a heart light,1,en
"martial arts movie , starring me master : you wish to learn to fight? me : yes master : the training is very difficult me : oh then no the end",1,en
What do janitors do on their day off? They go to the bleach.,1,en
"My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.",1,en
I have a friend who can breakdance It only happens once but You just turn on the disco lights and watch him go,0,en
Just thinking. How many MILF'S are now GrandMILF's?,0,en
what's the priest favorite breakfast? kids .,0,en
"if you weigh a whale at a whale weigh station , where do you weigh a pie? somewhere over the rainbow , weigh a pie .",0,en
Ramen noodles can fix stuff So why didn't my dad use ramen noodles to fix his broken marriage?,1,en
Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers.,1,en
what do you call a cab driver who lost his brakes? a screwdriver,1,en
What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull at a children's play area.,1,en
"What would LMFAO's hit song be called if they were Russian? ""I'm Slavic and I know it""",1,en
"After he opened his calendar, he realized it would not be useful for long. Its days were numbered.",1,en
What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car? A windshield viper.,1,en
"FYI: The. gif file format is pronounced ""jiff"" I know because I joogled it",1,en
If you watch Cinderella backwards. It's about a woman who learns her place,0,en
What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium? WATER YOU DOING,1,en
If you're seen one shopping centre. You've seen a mall,1,en
"Farming isn't for everyone. But hay, it's in my jeans",1,en
"If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.",1,en
Did you hear Stephen Hawking did? He lost WiFi connection.,0,en
What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water? Jockey and Jill!,0,en
"Who is the best drummer in the Beatles? It's between George, John and Paul... We all know it isn't Ringo",0,en
"so i was fingering my sister the other day . she said "" wow you do it just like dad! "" i replied "" thats what mom said "" then i found my brothers wedding ring .",1,en
"what did the electrician say while swimming across a river? "" oh my god , that's a lot of current ! """,1,en
What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjolnir all day? He gets thor arms!,0,en
Why is a chemist good at DJing? Because they know when to drop the base.,1,en
You know what one good thing about the coronavirus is? Mass shootings have to be done at home.,1,en
If ausaushwitz was a movie Itd be jewrassic park,0,en
"Washing clothes feels so old fashioned. I mean, who separates whites and colours anymore",1,en
"I just finished reading Mein Kampf. Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten",0,en
Java programmers do it with. class,1,en
"how bad is the economy? twenty years ago we had johnny cash , bob hope and steve jobs . today we have no cash , no hope and no jobs .",1,en
Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes? It's really making waves.,1,en
"I wrote a book on penguins... In retrospect, I realize that paper would have been easier.",1,en
Scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected. No one seems to care,1,en
I used to be addicted to deli sandwiches. but I quit cold turkey,0,en
"don't get me wrong , i'm grateful to have a job. i just wish it wasn't this job",1,en
Have you ever eaten at a Native American restaurant? It's mostly corn...but you have to make a reservation.,1,en
customer : how come the board of health hasn't come in and closed you up? waiter : they're afraid to eat here .,1,en
How does Jesus like his hotwings? Tinder and Mild.,1,en
Terror attacks are tragic... ...but at least they died having a blast.,1,en
"how do you know if a guy was in the navy seals? don't worry , he'll tell you .",0,en
I added Michael J Fox as a friend on Instagram. He likes every single one of my photos,0,en
how do you tell a bad joke from a good joke? you skip the punchline .,1,en
"welcome to wendy's , where our credit card numbers are always fresh! never frozen .",0,en
how much does a rabbi charge for circumcision? nothing . he just keeps the tips .,1,en
"and so, the squirrel who forgot where he buried his acorn became the squirel who planted this tall beautibful oak tree",1,en
"Pack of polos for sale still in the wrapper Mint condition Pack of polos for sale, still in the wrapper. Mint condition",1,en
Why did the man invest in the kilovolt battery? He thought it had a lot of potential.,1,en
I was going to bake a pie in honor of today. But it would be irrational. ,0,en
what do you do if an elephant comes through your window? swim for your life !,0,en
What did the drowning number theorist say? logloglogloglogloglogloglogloglog,1,en
"Why did Vanilla Ice steal a can of hair spray? Because the label said, ""Contents Under Pressure"" Got this joke from my brother :D",1,en
"If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.",1,en
I have a huge fear of elevators. I've started taking steps to avoid it,1,en
"my brother told me we ran out of protein powder i didn't believe him, so i said no whey",1,en
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three HOs.,0,en
why did the lady stare at the orange juice? because she thought it was telling her to concentrate !,1,en
Aquaman: Come on in the water is great. Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues,1,en
what's another word for a baby shower? Bukakke,0,en
what did the hot dogs name their child? frank,0,en
"New book idea: ""Too long in the hot tub"" by Drew Peacock",0,en
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green.,0,en
"gary : "" doctor , i think i'm losing my memory "". doctor : "" since when ? "" gary : "" since when what ? """,1,en
Why did they give a megaphone to the dog who couldn't climb a tree? Because he couldn't bark,1,en
"Us New Yorkers try to stick to the four main food groups; pizza, pizza bagels, pizza pies, and cheesecake.",1,en
money doesn't buy happiness ? well it buys a jet ski. have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski ? it's impossible to be sad on a jet ski,1,en
Q: What color is a cheerleader? A: Yeller.,0,en
How do mountains see? They peak ...,1,en
What do you call a knife in Chicago? Exhibit A,1,en
"When you realize no one is making memes for minions Ka wanna bin gaenu yee ka kaylay no oilhat da tuppul en ehkit, bigo ti rex elgo fidjus. ",0,en
"Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom... ... they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars.",0,en
Have you heard of OS X Def Leppard? It runs on ARM.,0,en
what do you call alternative medicine that works? medicine .,1,en
what do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? a miner .,1,en
A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not. He's eggnogstic,1,en
What's a horse's favorite condiment? Mayoneiiighs.,0,en
What kind of cheese can you use to hide a tiny horse? Mascarpone. ,0,en
"down in de islands , what do they call de dew in de morning? daylight come !",0,en
A large marine mammal was recently in Cardiff. It had a Wales of a time,1,en
What's the difference between a chicken and a baby? The chicken is usually dead when I tear it's legs apart and start eating it,1,en
I'm a trustworthy friend. Count on me to tell you when our relationship is over,0,en
"A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says ""make me one with everything""",1,en
What do demi lavado and a wrestler have in common? The both take hits.,1,en
"knock, knock who's there ? lettuce lettuce who ? let us out .",0,en
"My son asked me, ""Dad, how are coins made?"" I responded, ""Well, they're made at a mint with a press."" Satisfied, he replied... ""That makes cents!""",1,en
why did linkin park wrap themselves up in plastic wrap before they jumped off a cliff? so in the end they didn't even splatter .,0,en
Personification is an anthropomorphic metaphor in which a thing is represented as a person Example: The woman walked.,1,en
what did the mermaid wear to her math class? an algae bra .,1,en
What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella?  A cheesy pick up line...,1,en
What do call having to settle for buying corn? Compra maize.,1,en
Xxxtentation officially lost his job... ..he got fired,0,en
"I have fond memories of the sausage factory. It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times",0,en
"don't use the internet threedots when you have low self confidence. just kidding , that is exactly why you should use it !",0,en
what did god say to jesus? this lawn ain't gonna mow itself .,0,en
"instead of going to college , just read a pile of books and barely do your laundry. same thing",1,en
"At first I thought drag racing games would be difficult. Turns out, they're pretty straight forward",1,en
"If we drown in this upcoming hurricane, would that make us... ...the Joaquin Dead?",0,en
why is the demand for potato chips rising in china? they need clean air .,1,en
did you hear about the guy who could only count using odd numbers? he literally couldn't even .,1,en
what do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? a chocolate baa,1,en
why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes? to carry his library card .,0,en
What do you call a cripple's biography? Veggie tales,1,en
"A duckling joke Why do baby ducks walk softly? Because they can't walk, hardly.",1,en
A mechanical engineer asks to his crush. Do have a manhole I could enter,1,en
my neighbors listen to awesome music. whether they like it or not,1,en
What do you call it when the stars align for a mustard thief? A Gulden's opportunity.,1,en
"""Hey man, for our grammer project, do you think we might get an A? "" ""We shall C""",0,en
If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions. I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too,1,en
"What did the egg say to the boiling water? ""It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night.""",1,en
If I had a buck for every time an elk was confused for a deer. I'd have a lot of doe,1,en
DATE IDEA: We stay in our respective homes and watch different shows on Netflix. And also that was a fake phone number I gave you,0,en
Have you guys heard about that new broom that's sweeping the nation? I heard it literally leaves its competitors in the dust!,0,en
why did the blind guy crashed his car into another car? because he forgot to check his blind side .,1,en
what happens when you cross a snowman and a vampire? you get a frostbite .,0,en
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and abstinence makes the hand grow stronger",1,en
LIKE IF. You've recorded yourself singing to see if you could actually sing,1,en
what do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater? terrified !,0,en
"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once",1,en
My Athlete's foot is beginning to impede my walking severely I'm taking steps to fix it,1,en
how do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea? skates !,0,en
I like my women just like Apple. Manafactured in China,0,en
What happens when Peter Pan tries to throws punches? They Neverland.,0,en
I couldn't believe it when my wife said she was leaving me because I'm obsessed with The Monkees. Then I saw her face,1,en
Whats the difference between an American public school and a shooting range? The school has moving targets,1,en
"In our fridge there is condensed milk, evaporated milk, vanilla and eggs. So I put a sticker on it saying, ""Warning: Highly Flannable.""",1,en
"My dad keeps trying to teach us... My dad keeps trying to teach us about our partially Eskimo heritage, but I don't care. I'm just not Inuit.",1,en
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meet Patty,0,en
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple,1,en
"Did you hear about the man that submitted all those entries to the pun contest? He was hoping one would take first place, but no pun in ten did.",1,en
I bought some bug spray. Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.,0,en
"mom , you bought me the wrong magazine! this isn't mad , this is disappointed",0,en
what is batman's favorite thing to do with his money? make it wayne .,0,en
Life is complex. it has both real and imaginary components,1,en
"I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor.",1,en
My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me,0,en
what do hamburger workers say on monday morning? well it's back to the old grind !,1,en
What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it? A pepperonly pizza!,0,en
to all my american friends: happy hunger games threedots may the odds be ever in your favor .,0,en
Her: My grandmother who died was struggling with Amnesia Me: Did she forget to breath?! :P,0,en
"A Puerto Rican meteorologist sought counseling. When asked ""why? "" he replied, ""Tropical Depression.""",1,en
I like my girls like I like my pizza Fresh out of the oven with no sausage on it,1,en
"My biggest fear is dying alone. Not really stoked to die with people either. You know, dying in general doesn't exactly sound like pancakes.",1,en
I traded my blowup doll in for a middle eastern version. It blows itself up,1,en
what did one german wheat farmer say to the other german wheat farmer? gluten tag,1,en
Why do whales have really good immune systems? They consume a lot of vitamin SEA!,1,en
"i had a mayweather joke but, threedots it ran away .",0,en
What are racecar drivers able to do that Hitler isn't? End a race.,1,en
"I was told the Highlander was stopping by a Mexican nightclub When I showed up to the party, there was only Juan.",1,en
have you ever heard of christmas adam? it comes before eve and isn't nearly as satisfying,0,en
"according to einstein , "" everything is relative. "" sort of like the marriages in alabama",1,en
"i told my mum i'd made a car out of spaghetti , but she didn't believe me! should of seen her face when i drove pasta .",0,en
Have you heard the one about the jump rope? Meh... Just skip it.,0,en
Who is such a good bot? Not the ones found here,0,en
"I spend half of my time thinking about fractions Well, not exactly half....",1,en
"What did Delaware? Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.",1,en
"are we dangerous? "" yes "" replied mother earth .",0,en
How do you get a baby out of a blender? With nachos.,1,en
"Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.",1,en
"new pet ideas: an egg with hair on, small bear, tictac size baby cats, frog with wheels",1,en
Q: What to you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a car? A: Flatman and Ribbon,0,en
Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up.,1,en
"The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.",1,en
"An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied",1,en
"Ryan had to go potty real bad, but the door to the potty was Lochte.",0,en
"what did the maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree? "" i'd tap that . """,1,en
how many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? the answer may shock you .,0,en
What are the names of a women's favorite toys? Woody and Buzz,0,en
Why didn't the kid with autism go to the party? He didn't get invited,0,en
"Guys. You can't make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me",0,en
What can you throw but cannot catch? A party.,0,en
What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring? Stew.,1,en
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden,0,en
"some coworkers remind me of my ex, because i would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too .",1,en
How do you call all the mods altogether with the people who lock the posts in a pool? Vegetative soup,1,en
What's the most consumed beverage by Syrians? Saltwater.,1,en
"Wait, did this sub just get fixed? Not a joke, just curious to see actual jokes on the sub with no weird fanfic.",0,en
What's a Jewish person's favorite social media? Snipchat,0,en
did you hear about the depressed man going on a cross country road trip? he's weeping the nation .,1,en
"My boss decided to give me some more responsibility. From now on, I'm responsible for everything that goes wrong",0,en
"I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.",0,en
The rotation of Earth always makes my day. Makes my night too,0,en
my wife and i laugh about how competitive we are. but i laugh more,1,en
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants.,1,en
What is a Muslim version of burger king Burka King,1,en
How did one gold atom greet the other gold atom? 'ey you.,0,en
"So much has changed since my girlfriend confessed me that she's pregnant. For example: My name, phone number, address etc.",1,en
tifu by not having a picture of my pet ready on my cake day. what were you expecting to see here ?,0,en
What is an astronaut's favorite power tool? An orbital sander,1,en
A magician was walking down the street. and he turned into a grocery store,0,en
"what's your ringtone? that's nice , mine's a light shade of brown .",0,en
"every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that threedots ' this conversation will be recorded for training and quality purpose '",0,en
I just called the tinnitus hotline... It wouldn't stop ringing!,0,en
"Ah, the plot thickens It's me... I'm the plot",0,en
"Did anyone else go into Monsters, Inc. thinking it was going to be a movie about a really big sink?",0,en
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer? A father in law,1,en
Whats the difference between a girl's G spot and an old pokemon card collection? A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...,0,en
What's the difference between a good meal and a good time? What you do with the body,1,en
"guys , i'm quitting halloween. i'm on the pumpkin patch !",0,en
SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name,0,en
Why did the spotted pigs run away? They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine.,1,en
What do you call two debunked ghost sightings? A pair'a'normal activities.,1,en
What are the two favorite english alphabets of a pianist? Piano.,1,en
What movie did Leonardo DiCaprio's dog recently star in? The Woof of Wall Street.,0,en
"my wife tells me im always too negative well, doesnt that make me a positive ?",0,en
Student: I'll never be good at geography. Geography teacher: Not with that latitude!,1,en
How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand touches the little hand,0,en
Wanna hear a funny monkey joke? Macaque.,0,en
The name's Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond,0,en
What do fish call a submarine? Unidentified Floating Object,1,en
how many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? well it depends on what you mean by change .,1,en
what ' secret ingredient ' do you add to your meals in order to improve the taste? i cumin it .,0,en
Did you know that Princess Diana was on the radio? Well she was also on the dashboard and the steering wheel,1,en
"Billions of locusts swarm through Africa. ""The sight was terrifying"" Said one of the locusts",1,en
"""Welcome back, happy New Year!"" ""Thank you!"" ""Welcome!"" And that's the last time I'm taking Bollywood movie suggestions from my friends.",0,en
""" hey babe , you smell that? "" "" no . "" "" me neither , start cooking .",0,en
I wanted to make a chemistry joke. But I'm too basic,1,en
I bought a Chris Brown's greatest hits album. It was just a bunch of Rihanna songs,1,en
"if you still talk about it, you still care about it .",0,en
Dogs can't operate an MRI. But cats can,1,en
"Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand",0,en
What's the first rule of bug ownership? Watch your step!,0,en
what is similar between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana Their greatest hits were the wall,1,en
why don't men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control !,0,en
What supporter was the only thing that couldn't save Stephen Hawking? Life Support.,0,en
good news everyone! i've found another person who's voice you can hear in your head when reading one single phrase threedots and his name is john cena,0,en
What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.,1,en
"Owning a restaurant in India is hard, the locals hold a grudge against me but we finally came to a mutual agreement. No beef now. ",1,en
what do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? a phone moan .,1,en
Test Testing if lock still works,1,en
are you alone? because you're showing high interest .,0,en
How do you say unicorn in Spanish? Unamaize,0,en
The rooster tried to pass himself off as a hen.. .. but he didn't have an egg to stand on.,1,en
why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella? for drizzle,1,en
i went to a record shop and i asked ' what have you got by the doors? ' he said : ' a bucket of sand and a fire blanket ! ',1,en
"""Dad why do you write so slow? "" asked Dennis. ""I have to"" replied his father. ""I'm a slow reader.""",1,en
I used to be a banker. But I lost interest in the job,1,en
"What did the cashew say to the sneezing peanut? ""Yes, what is it?""",1,en
"My computer is quick to point out when I eject a disk improperly, but never notices when I've ejected a disk beautifully.",1,en
why couldn't spongebob get a mortgage? because his house was underwater .,0,en
The most popular game in Africa Don't Starve,1,en
"what is the definition of stalking? when two people takes a long , romantic walk on the beach , but only one of them knows about it",1,en
"My favorite Indian restaurant is going through hard times, and had to fire some employees.. .. Just Naan essential staff.",1,en
"My friend got me a sweater for Christmas. I would have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but she did the trick",1,en
"what did god say when he threw the earth in a dark void, abandoning us to our eventual death while in perpetual free fall? kobe.",0,en
"My ears were ringing, so I pressed keys on the piano to find out what note it was. There was a B buzzing in my ears",1,en
Did you know that a school shooter is often the best student in his school? At the latest when he becomes the only one.,1,en
"Herpes had to originate from a female. Otherwise it would be called, hispes",1,en
"A man walks into a bar with some tarmac under his arm. And said: ""one for me and one for the road""",1,en
q : what do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic? a : about halfway .,0,en
What's Ellen Pao's husband's favourite web plugin? Ponzi Buddy.,0,en
"does a cow give milk? no , they have to take it from her",1,en
why is turkey happy? it just escaped from a coop .,0,en
did you hear about the stationary store? it moved .,1,en
I have a question of the most importance!? If I find a job in the classifieds...does that mean I can't tell anyone!,0,en
what do you call a dog with no legs? it does not matter the dog is not coming,1,en
What's the most common blood type in Taiwan? Type A.,1,en
where was the first discovered potato located? in the ground .,1,en
What is a snowman's favorite book? War and Frozen Peas !,0,en
"if i was a superhero, i would be "" not right now "" man .",1,en
Why did Mac Miller die? Bill wanted to see Ariana at another funeral,0,en
what did the terminator say when he decided to take up piano? i'll be bach .,1,en
Why didn't the polite coder get hired? The job required SASS,1,en
Put the punchline before the setup. What's the best way to ruin any joke?,1,en
"what did the blind guy say when he walked past red lobster? hi , ladies !",0,en
"A working class man goes to a fancy restaurant He just finished ordering his appetizer when the waiter asks ""Entree? "". The man says ""No! On a plate!""",1,en
My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl. I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.,1,en
Allah is the true God Because the universe started with an explosion.,1,en
My cat and my paraplegic stepdad are so similar. Neither like being tossed in the neighbor's pool,1,en
"A child needed a heart transplant, but it was too late. His family were heartbroken.",1,en
What do you call the day after a sad Friday? A sadder day.,1,en
"if this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let me call people .",0,en
what did the mermaid forget to bring to the maths lesson? her algae bra .,0,en
Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!,0,en
"I want my coffee black I want my coffee, black Commas make a difference",0,en
"Why do Jews not support arranged marriages? Because the Torah doesn't allow ""force kin"".",1,en
you know you gotta take risk sometimes my friend told me before his cable broke bujee jumping off the garnd canyon,0,en
What will you get if you mix Negev and Galil AR ? NegAR,0,en
why was the diamond depressed? he had been under a lot of pressure lately .,1,en
"i've hit hard times , and to make money i'm going to sell my vacuum cleaner. because right now it's just gathering dust",1,en
"if there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because i'll be the zombie wearing flip flops",1,en
My uncle was crushed by a piano. His funeral was very low key,1,en
what did the banker use for birth control? his personality,1,en
what do you call a person who fights fire? firefighter .,1,en
I was invited to an event that requires causal dress. Should I wear a time machine or a syllogism print?,1,en
what does batman ask when he enters a butcher shop? gotham,0,en
"the first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like "" well, can't even do that right """,1,en
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in.,0,en
why does santa clause have such a big sack? he only comes once a year .,1,en
Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome a good lover and a stimulating partner? A. In the pages of a romance novel.,0,en
What's a blind mans favorite car? A cataract,0,en
"i opened my water and electric bills simultaneously threedots needless to say, i was shocked .",0,en
"A lot of people don't realize the months are named after Roman emperors. Like June, that's named after Junelius Caesar",1,en
How do calculus students feel about undefined slopes in Cartesian planes? Indifferential.,1,en
What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls...because it's under a buck.,1,en
Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other. They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line,1,en
What's the difference between a doughnut and Ethiopia? There's more calories in a doughnut.,1,en
How do you make sure the birth control is working? By lightly putting your finger on her wrist.,0,en
"You've seen those mobile trucks for grooming pets, I just saw a mobile barbershop truck for humans and thought. I wonder if a dog drives that",1,en
What do the U.S.S. Enterprise and Toilet Paper have in common? They both wipe out Klingons.,1,en
Que tipo de oso es muy desconocido? El misterioso! I'll see myself out now...,0,en
"i don't think jesus would be mad if he came back and saw what the world has become. he might be a bit cross , though",1,en
why did the restaurant on the moon fail? they barely had any atmosphere .,1,en
q : what do you call a blonde holding a balloon? a : siamese twins .,0,en
What does the O in WOMAN stand for? Object,1,en
"laundry day me : tell me about this lipstick on your shirt . him : babe , i can explain! me : don't care . just ask her the brand and shade name .",0,en
"TIL Only three types of mammals go through menopause. The Blue Whale, The Beluga Whale, and You're Mom",0,en
Now that I'm playing Pokemon Go I don't need a girlfriend anymore. The servers go down on me all the time,1,en
Anti vaxx parents have a point. There are no vaccinations for bullets anyway.,1,en
"if you're an adult and you aren't tired, you probably just fell asleep and started dreaming . wake up . it's time to be tired again .",0,en
What do religious dads do at barbecues? They speak in tongs.,1,en
there are three types of people in the world. those that understand math and those that don't,1,en
When I realised I'd lost my favourite spanner... It was a real wrench,0,en
"LPT: Buy your pregnancy tests at the Dollar store and save money. Also, the coat hangers are pretty cheap also.",1,en
what does a bull do to stay warm on a cold day? it goes into a barn and slips into a nice warm jersey .,1,en
How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes? He fell into it.,1,en
How do you know when the movie in a peep show stall is finished? Its all over. ,0,en
i work in the elevator business. it has it's ups and downs,1,en
why did the programmer die in the shower? he followed the shampoo instructions .,0,en
What do Japan and Shaq have in common? Kobe Beef,1,en
"me : "" if americans say ' sidewalk ' , what do we mean in england? "" my six year old : "" crab ! """,1,en
"What do you call a sharp witted man, that knows many languages, and is skilled at giving oral? A cunning linguist.",1,en
What do snake charmers do in the rain? Turn on their windshield vipers.,1,en
"If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she's practising for her next selfie",1,en
him : can i have a bite of your dessert? me : i think we should see other people .,0,en
What do you get when you cross a foot with cookware? Potato!,0,en
how does an elephant get out of a small car? the same way that he got in !,0,en
TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich. Oops wrong sub,0,en
Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window? Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.,1,en
"sometimes girls look at me and say , "" mmm not bad. "" they don't say it out loud but i can tell they're thinking that",1,en
TIFU by posting a joke online. You had already reddit,0,en
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me... She said she needs space.,0,en
"Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.",1,en
Why doesn't Pacman use Twitter? He doesn't like being followed.,0,en
"My wife is a real treasure I hid her under the gazeebo, hope nobody finds her.",0,en
What do you call someone who is obsessed with a constant breeze? a 'fan'atic.,1,en
Why are farmers always winning awards? Because they're outstanding in their field.,1,en
What does FUBU stand for. Farmers used to buy us,1,en
have you heard of the man that walked all day and only moved two feet? threedots that's all he had .,0,en
"Someone hasked me if i wanted to hold their baby the other day I said, ""No thanks im a vegetarian""",0,en
"i quite enjoy blowing air around a room. in fact , i'm a big fan",1,en
"my daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. based on that alone , i don't think she'd be a good secret agent",1,en
thoughts on my new mustache. it's growing on me,1,en
do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? me too .,0,en
I gave up on photography. Couldn't focus,1,en
Why is it called Mother Nature? Because if it were called Father Nature it would be a lot more predictable.,1,en
I'm thinking of giving away my broken marionette. No strings attached,0,en
What is Bill Cosby's favorite hotel chain? Red Roofie Inn. I'll show myself out.,0,en
"Have you heard Justin Bieber's song about blood types? It goes: ""A, B, AB, AB, OOOOOOO""",1,en
q . if a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building who would hit the ground first? a . the brunette because the blonde would stop for directions .,0,en
Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!,0,en
"firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire .",1,en
"Unfortunately, this month's Psychics Club meeting is cancelled... ... due to unforeseen circumstances.",1,en
I was trying to think of a Legend of Zelda pun. But I don't want to tri and force it,0,en
"OH: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located.",0,en
"if she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table .",1,en
"Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.",1,en
whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? i've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my chest,0,en
q : how is a thief like a thermometer on a hot day? a : they are both up to something .,0,en
I've just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear,0,en
"a man was found dead eight years after committing suicide sort of proves his point, doesn't it ?",1,en
Why are electricians the best journalists? They are always working on current events. ,1,en
"Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy. But, I've always been more of a people person.",1,en
Dark humor is like fortnite players... They never get old.,1,en
"What did Alex Trebek say when he was about to lose his job? ""My career is in Jeopardy!""",1,en
What happened to the Oklahoma Territories? I don't know but they're OK now.,1,en
When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day,1,en
Someone told me the first person you look at after something funny happens is the person you like the most. Good thing I always keep a mirror with me,1,en
What was the worst thing about the aftermath of the holocaust? Survivors,1,en
"you know what people said about paul daniels funeral. you know what people said about paul daniels funeral ""i liked it but not a lot""",0,en
Which trees have the most friends? The poplar ones.,1,en
"i know a girl named penny but because of inflation, she is going to change her name to nickel soon .",0,en
Why was the bald king so sad? Because he had no heir.,0,en
What do you call a promiscuous woman who travels a lot? Abroad.,1,en
What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented? There's been a ground breaking discovery...,0,en
"Whats an orphans favorite toy A boomerang, unlike the parents the boomerang comes back",0,en
Did you heard about the cardiac arrest victim? He was shocked when he survived,1,en
How do you get back at an egoist? With another egoist. An I for an I.,1,en
I once saw a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words,1,en
"Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have triumphed over one of history's most brilliant scientific thinkers... because I'm not dead.",1,en
Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet? Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes !,0,en
"two antennas met on a roof , fell in love and got married. the ceremony wasn't much , but the reception was excellent",1,en
how do you get a pool player off your porch? pay him for the pizza .,1,en
what's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? a refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it .,1,en
A childs body is like a temple Only the priest enters the inner sanctum,1,en
why did beethoven never answer the doorbell? they weren't invented yet .,1,en
Why is Daniel Radcliffe celebrated and worshiped in Judaism? Because he's the only one who escaped the chamber.,1,en
"Spent an hour by my wife's grave God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.",0,en
What do you call the Momo Challenge? Natural Selection ,1,en
How to ruin a joke: By reposting it several times in less than an hour,1,en
How do trees browse the internet? They log in.,1,en
The shooting ranges might be closed But the schools are not,1,en
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight? When they had lots of sleepless knights !,0,en
What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland? Paddy O' Furniture,1,en
"Rick Astley is willing to let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, with one exception. He's never gonna give you Up",1,en
""" size does matter "", i whisper to my double stuffed oreos .",1,en
"I was asked what I would give the man who has everything. Well, my phone number for a start",0,en
"I think the Territory Ahead catalog should come out with a line of underwear. They could call it ""Territory Behind.""",1,en
what do you call a play about a dictionary? a pun !,1,en
"facebook is down, so don't say prayer doesn't work .",0,en
What sort of undergarments does a succinct pugilist wear? Boxer briefs!,1,en
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: only the inner light matters.,0,en
INXS was a really good band. It's a shame they hung it up,1,en
"I like my coffee like I like my women: Strong, black, and preferably free trade",1,en
"i'm a vegetarian . subway gave me a chicken club . oops, wrong sub .",0,en
Whats the difference between a girl and a light switch The average redditer can turn on a light switch but not a girl,0,en
"what does a dog do , that a man steps into. pants",0,en
Every star sign has a unique hairstyle Except cancer,1,en
who's the most popular guy on a nude beach? the one who shows up with a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee .,1,en
Did you hear about the new Drake Beats Headphones? The softest headphones out there.,1,en
Man who eat jeellybeans. Farts in technicolor,0,en
"Why did the dog say ""meow""? he was bilingual",1,en
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed,0,en
I slipped and fell on black ice I thought it was regular ice but when I got up my wallet was gone,1,en
What did Sherrock Holmes say to his partner? Sedimentary my dear Watson!,0,en
What does a negatively charged particle do when it gets excited? It gets an erectron.,1,en
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying,0,en
Did you hear about the geometry teacher who left his parrot's cage open? Polygon.,1,en
"Are you afraid of quantum mechanics? Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.",0,en
"Hey, college students: It gets debtor.",0,en
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?  I WANT SAMOA!!,0,en
"Here's the punchline to that riddle joke. They leave a ring around Connecticut,",1,en
what is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune? start out with a large fortune .,1,en
"is it true animals can sense danger? the cat's been wearing a helmet all week , and it makes me nervous .",1,en
First thing this morning there was a tap on my door...  My plumber has a funny sense of humor.,0,en
I would like to Mike Hawk and Hugh Jass together It would be nice to know they're spending time with each other,0,en
There's a new all girls music group that writes songs about the internet. It's called Broadband,1,en
"girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and i was like , "" what kind of therapy is he in? "" because of course i said that",1,en
why didn't the shrimp share his treasure? he was a little shellfish .,0,en
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can't reach.,1,en
why doesn't santa have to pay for parking? because it's on the house .,0,en
"chuck norris did in fact, build rome in a day .",0,en
What's the difference between a man and a monkey? The Mediterranenan Sea.,0,en
Why does Woody Harrelson's wife call him Moses? Because he Ramparts the red sea each month,1,en
what did the mathematician do when he was constipated? he worked it out with a pencil,1,en
"How do you know whether you have consent? Measure the length of the pause between the words ""don't"" and ""stop"".",1,en
you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? he stayed up all night wondering whether or not there was a dog .,1,en
"when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using apple maps .",0,en
"Roses are red, sun is shining My will to live is rapidly declining.",1,en
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? art .,1,en
Why doesn't Ed got a girlfriend? Because Sheeran away.,0,en
how do you make a blonde's eyes light up? shine a flashlight in their ear .,0,en
"I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.",1,en
did you hear about the movie constipation? it hasn't come out yet .,0,en
What the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? Only took one nail to hang the picture.,0,en
what does the sign of an out of business brothel say? beat it . we're closed .,1,en
What's a dancer's favorite type of water? Tap water,1,en
If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Then you're aiming too high,0,en
"maybe i'm not stalking you, maybe i just like your schedule",0,en
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair? The crippled mermaid!,0,en
How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker? She goes to the bathroom.,1,en
elevator shoes q : what's yellow and goes up and down? a : a banana in an elevator .,0,en
I ate way too many freedom fries yesterday. I had to liberate the toilet for hours,0,en
I used to think an ocean of soda existed. Turns out it was just Fanta sea,0,en
"Pink Panther's to do list: to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo!",0,en
What does Eckhart Tolle get for Christmas? Presence,1,en
"Coordinate geometry is terrible. I failed the last test, but it turns out that the next unit continues it. Will I ever get distance from it?",1,en
Spongebob might be the main character. but Patrick is the star,0,en
A little boy wrote a letter to Santa stating he wanted a little sister The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother,0,en
facebook is great! it reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so i don't end up like everyone i went to high school with .,0,en
"A blind man enters a fishmarket. ""Hello Ladies""",1,en
"The French I can speak fluent french, watch this. ""I Surrender""",1,en
What is a meal in Africa called A Happy Meal,1,en
"I was craving a soda this morning in school, but I couldn't afford one. I was soda pressed",1,en
What did the urologist say to his physician before he hired him? URINE. I'll let myself out.,1,en
"Trump Tower and Michael Phelps Between Michael Phelps and Trump Tower, it has been the biggest week for suction cups in the history of mankind.",1,en
What is the big hairy thing between Napoleon's legs? His horse Marengo,0,en
"Marathon runner: I think we're lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way? Lemming: Just trust me, ok?",1,en
"the logic of why the line in front of this bathroom is so long if pee, then queue",0,en
I failed a lot of maths exams More than I can count,1,en
"Protip: If you're walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don't forget to stop as you enter the restroom.",0,en
why didn't steven jobs get treated for cancer? an apple a day keeps the doctor away,1,en
Paralyzed girls are so nice I don't even have to ask for consent.,1,en
why didn't jesus start a charity? cuz they're not for prophets .,0,en
why couldn't the coal worker get into the movie? he was a miner .,0,en
"There's an omelet in the fridge. I want it. However, I can't have it... It's eggspired.",0,en
I can't spell armugedon. But it's not the end of the world,0,en
My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering,1,en
"What did the physicist say when he tried to meditate? Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm...",1,en
What did the group of young deer do with the broken jukebox? They fixed it because their the fawns,1,en
"HR: You know why you're here? Me: So we can be alone? HR: Your new nickname is a problem. Me: We all have them. HR: Yes, but Sperminator?",0,en
""" doctor doctor , i keep thinking i'm a cat . "" "" oh really , how long have you felt like this? "" ever since i was a kitten . """,0,en
My wife caught me sleeping with my daughter.  She wasn't that surprised to be honest. She was more surprised that the doctor gave me the fetus,1,en
"i like to shave in front of my car's side view mirrors every morning. that way , i can get a closer shave than it appears",1,en
how does the moon cut its hair? eclipse it . ha .,0,en
"What turns ""No, no, no"" into ""Mmmmmmm""? Duct tape. ",1,en
I've run over seven Koalas and one platypus with my car today and I haven't even left the city yet. Australia's dangerous like that,1,en
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.,1,en
q : what kind of tree grows in your hand? a : a palm tree .,0,en
what do australians call upside down cake? cake .,1,en
What do you call Pasta that doesn't know if it's a man or a women? Pasta Semenya,1,en
"Ever hear the one about the midget and the razor blade? Me either, it got cut short.",0,en
"if girls were as nice to each other in real life as they are in facebook comments, think how different the world would be .",0,en
What do you call a neolithic taking a walk? A meanderthal,1,en
"If you blow out the kid's Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.",0,en
I was bit by a rattlesnake last summer. After three days of excruciating pain the snake died,1,en
You know why I Hate Carpools? Everytime I go through a tunnel my wrist hurts.,0,en
What starts with M and ends with arriage that I love? Miscarriage,1,en
What is the best part about taking a shower? Not being able to see yourself in the mirror afterward.,1,en
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo beans? Donald Trump's does not pay to have a garbanzo bean in his Russian hotel room.,1,en
Boy born with no eyelids! The Dr. used the foreskin from the circumcision. Now the boy is cockeyed,1,en
"What does Debbie Reynolds sing in heaven? Good mourning, good mourning, good mourning!!!",0,en
Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games? Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.,1,en
A magician was going down the road... ...and turned into a driveway...,0,en
"Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter. So, just me",0,en
"do you want to hear a joke about steak? never mind , i'll tell you later . but it's very well done .",1,en
there's a new starbucks opening down the street. i wonder what it will be like,1,en
where do you take a sick horse? The horspital,1,en
A man drowned this morning eating a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled him under,0,en
did you hear about the murder of the cartoon artist? the details are sketchy .,1,en
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda? A berry bubbly bunny.,0,en
"If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.",0,en
me : do you think its strange to talk to yourself? me : no .,0,en
"my mom thinks im the only one that uses the internet this late. but little does she know, all of you exist",0,en
"i'm not saying your house is haunted, but i think a ghost just ate all of your gummy bears while you were in the bathroom .",0,en
Hear about the farmer that stepped on a rake? He had two acres.,1,en
"How is a shovel and my ex girlfriend different? You do not bury the shovel, you use it",0,en
Lockers are empty Until your next week and I will be in touch,0,en
how do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? you will see one later and one in a while .,0,en
What is Chuck Liddell's favorite fruit? The Grapple...,0,en
What is the most profitable place to sell sweets? Near the Catholic Church.,1,en
"If you jump off a bridge in Bristol, how long does it take before you hit the wate Severn seconds.",0,en
Why did the guitarist leave his guitar on the ground? It didn't have any pickups,1,en
"Two Scottish ducks on a tandem... The one on the back says ""Quack! "" The one on the front says "" Ah cannae go any quacker""",1,en
"as a german , you know what really grinds my gears? nothing . my engineering is perfect .",1,en
I was going to tell you a joke about cattle But you probably have herd it before,1,en
"how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? just two , as long as there's a bed inside .",0,en
When the two pilots got married Was it love at first flight?,1,en
Why isn't Edward leaving Russia? ...because he's snowed in.,0,en
"I'm no accountant but I'm thinking if you sold your Escalade, you could probably afford a lawnmower. Maybe even some paint for the house",1,en
What does a frog that can read say? Reddit...reddit...,0,en
"H G Wells walked into a library and asked for a book on Time Travel. ""Bugger off""said the librarian, ""you didn't bring it back""",1,en
what did the melon say to the banana when it proposed? yes ! but we cantaloupe .,1,en
How many baby's did you need to paint a wall red It does not depends of the quantity it depends on how strong you throw them,1,en
how did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood? his hand caught fire .,0,en
Why aren't cremations given out for free? Because you have to urn them.,0,en
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move,1,en
What is the difference between a teacher and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four...,0,en
"Bouncer: ""I'm going to have to ask you to leave."" Me: ""Why?"" Bouncer: ""I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.""",1,en
"what are the three rings of marriage? the engagement ring , the wedding ring , and then the suffering",1,en
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark.,1,en
"i'd like to tell a whitney houston joke threedots threedots but then i realized that it's not right, but it's okay",0,en
What do you call it when whales form a band. An Orcastra,1,en
what does mr . t say when he walks into a buffet? i pity the full !,0,en
"""What is your greatest strength""? Brevity.",1,en
girl : you would be a good dancer except for two things . boy : what are the two things? girl : your feet .,1,en
How did the Scot die? He got kilt.,0,en
"my daughter asked me if i know how to do the running man , like my generation didn't invent it. anyway , that's what brings me to the er",1,en
i guess it's time to lose some weight. i cut myself shaving and gravy came out threedots,0,en
what did the one banana say to the other banana who had his feelings hurt? i know that peel .,0,en
i was gonna put on my watch. but i didn't have the time,0,en
Why are puppers more popular in China than dogs? Because the meat is more tender.,1,en
i bet you want to hear a ghost joke right? thats the spirit .,0,en
Who makes the sweetest video games? Masahiro Saccharide,0,en
I'm so emotional about school shootings because it could have been my kids too. They practice all day on Fortnite.,1,en
What is a Brazilians favorite Pokemon? Zikachu.,0,en
I think of you whenever I dip a cookie in warm milk... And then I hold it there until the bubbles stop.,0,en
What's an undertaker's favorite element? Barium!,0,en
"When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.",1,en
"According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.",1,en
"what's the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer? "" hello , world "" and "" goodbye , cruel world """,1,en
hr : do you want your name on the october birthday list ? me : nope. hr : why not ? me : because i'm not in kindergarten,0,en
"whether my dreams are good or bad, waking up is always worse .",1,en
what's worse than finding a worm in you apple? finding half a worm .,0,en
What did Hitler say after he ate? Nein.,1,en
"my girlfriend is like the square root of negative one hundred a perfect ten, but imaginary",0,en
What is the difference between Jews and Santa Claus? They go in different directions in the chimney.,1,en
Where does Christopher Walken like to smoke cigars? A Walken humidor.,1,en
Question Why are mods locking everyone's post I thought this was a dark joke server?,0,en
"big deal , mcdonalds. we're all here for a limited time only",1,en
"what did the new kkk member say during his training? "" hey , i'm getting the hang of it ! """,1,en
Photographing Bigfoot is. no small feat,0,en
What is Dr. Seuss' favorite play? Green Eggs and Hamlet,0,en
What do baby and a grenade have in common? They both do loud noise when thrown.,1,en
how do trees get on the internet? they log in .,1,en
Every woman should wear white clothes all the time.  Just like every home appliance.,1,en
Did you hear about the cookie that was litterally made of nothing but grass and dirt? it was a real tuft cookie,1,en
why do blondes like blonde jokes? it makes them feel popular .,1,en
who do women produce milk for? the baby and the dad .,1,en
"i was trying to explain the concept of twitter to my friend. but she finally said "" i don't follow you """,1,en
Q: What kind of fish has two knees? A: A tunee fish.,0,en
"welcome to the plastic surgery addicts association, nice to see a lot of new faces here today .",0,en
If at first you do succeed... try not to look too astonished.,0,en
"Snuck a peak at my therapist's notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.",1,en
"TIFU By forgetting my wife was allergic to seafood when I got her supper from Subway Woops, wrong Sub.",0,en
What did the hungry clock do? It went back four seconds.,0,en
How will future generations contact Beyonce's ghost? They'll hold a Beyonceance.,0,en
"if you've never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you're not me .",0,en
What do you call an experiment? Seeing if you can unlock your own post.,0,en
Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.,1,en
"If you have Spotify on your Ipad. then technically you're ""having your period""",1,en
im going on a date with my GF after she's born.,0,en
Just what is it that makes Italian desserts so appealing? One cannoli guess.,1,en
"whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? nothing , because either way , someone is losing their trailer .",0,en
What do you call it when a really large number marries a small number? A Ranged Marriage,1,en
"In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works",1,en
why do cows have bells around their necks? because their horns don't work .,1,en
how did the catholic priest finish the marathon? he was second to nun .,1,en
what do the american dollar and the american dress size have in common? both have had to adjust for inflation .,1,en
"i forget, on which side of my dinner plate am i supposed to set my phone ?",0,en
"How did Reddit not fell down yet? I mean, it is only hanging by threads...",0,en
"how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? it's a pretty obscure number , you probably never heard of it .",1,en
You remember those yardsticks? They don't make them any longer.,0,en
If you've never seen Bear Grylls before. Urine for a treat,0,en
What does a Hawaiian Muslim who own a buffet say?  Aloha Snackbar,1,en
"stranger : "" hey , i like your beard! "" me : "" thanks , it's really growing on me """,1,en
patient : doctor you have to help me stop talking to myself . doctor : why is that? patient : i'm a salesman and i keep selling myself things i don't want .,1,en
why do girls get so moody when they're on their periods? it's such an ovary action .,1,en
what do you call a camel in alaska? lost .,1,en
if your watch is broken why can't you go fishing? because you don't have the time .,1,en
Why was the bull popular with all the cows? Because he was smooooooooth,0,en
why did the bear eat his own arms? they were made of honey .,1,en
what do martial artists eat? kung food edit: the people making additional jokes are my heroes,1,en
What that thing burning in the distance? Oh it just the city of Atlanta burning to the ground.,0,en
Halloween It's almost a day since Halloween is over and I don't know why my neighbor is still hanging through the tree.,1,en
oh is it really raining outside? please post a status update for all of us with no windows .,0,en
Did you hear about the guy with five legs? His pants fit like a glove.,1,en
"i came into some wealth recently, but it turns out my bank doesn't accept that kind of deposit .",1,en
why don't jehovah's witnesses celebrate halloween? because they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door .,1,en
Why did the kid leave the Vatican? He didn't like joint families.,1,en
Why does a girl who uses chewing tobacco give the best head? Because she's knows what to spit and what to swallow.,1,en
The ghost from Annabelle and myself have something in common We both wanna be inside that orphan girl,0,en
how do you spell candy with two letters? c and y,0,en
why does a pencil shave? to look sharp,1,en
What do you call a women that catches fish? Annette,1,en
my son's method of laundry : if it's clean it's on the floor. if it's dirty then it goes on the floor over there,1,en
"when i was a kid, i really didn't like the idea of having facial hair threedots threedots but now it's starting to grow on me .",0,en
"Why are notes natural leaders? Because while a note makes a sound, the rest is silent.",1,en
If you believe in the end of the world tomorrow. I'm going to keep making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow,1,en
Why does the snow come in December? Because no nut November just ended,0,en
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you,1,en
sorry for the lack of updates. will continue in the next couple of days,0,en
"Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out",1,en
What's the difference between a fridge and a baby? The fridge doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.,1,en
what type of overalls did mario wear? denim denim denim,1,en
how do you put a baby to sleep ? you rock them. what if it doesn't work ? use a bigger rock,1,en
why is faith greater than science? science made buildings and planes but faith brought them together .,1,en
remember: you can eat your way out of almost any problem .,0,en
"says if you don't like what you see in the mirror, run the hot water until it fogs up. Problem solved",0,en
What a kid I got I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. 'creds: Rodney Dangerfield',0,en
why don't owls go on dates when it's raining? because it's too wet to woo .,0,en
why doesn't barbie have any kids? because ken came in another box .,0,en
"i just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so i guess i just had my first one night stand on twitter .",0,en
it seems like i only lose weight when i don't buy ice cream. can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please ?,0,en
"Why are darkjokes mods like pi? They are never ending, but very small when you meet them privately.",0,en
"To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money...  On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches...",1,en
wanna hear my construction joke? i'm still working on it threedots,0,en
"Notice at Church: Don't leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers",1,en
"Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.",1,en
What did the windmill say to the windmill engineer? I'm a big fan of your work,1,en
i just bought an answering machine and it doesn't work. or maybe i'm just asking it the wrong questions,1,en
my wife ran away with my best friend. i really miss him,0,en
What does ash ketchum and anne frank have in common Theyre both ash,0,en
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of school kids,0,en
What do you call a right angle that gets beaten into a long square? A rekt angle,1,en
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I'd be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone,0,en
what's the difference between roast beef and pea green soup? anyone can roast beef .,1,en
Why did the walrus goto the tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.,0,en
Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons? Because it wanted autumnomy,0,en
"what do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her , make all the first moves , and text her first every day? single .",1,en
"Sometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.",1,en
"My rear view mirror broke off. No biggie, I'll just put one of my contact lenses in backwards",1,en
boyfriend : why didn't you give me anything for my birthday? girlfriend : you told me to surprise you .,0,en
capital letters. it's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse,0,en
why are women's feet smaller than men's? so they can stand closer to the sink .,1,en
"give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day . but why are you walking around giving men fish? that's weird , dude .",1,en
Whats the difference between bullets and people? People miss John Lennon.,0,en
whats the difference between an apple and an orphan? an apple gets picked,0,en
I was never good at art at school. I couldn't even draw a blank.,1,en
Where can a hand refuel its car? At a fist pump.,1,en
"I don't always eat breakfast But when I do, I have dos eggies",1,en
"Bruce Willis... Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies. Because, you know what they say about old habits...",1,en
"If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.",0,en
"What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!",0,en
relationship status: i get the remote to myself !,0,en
i don't want buns of steel. i want buns of cinnamon,0,en
What do magistrates have with their water? Just ice.,1,en
Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why were you late? Pupil: Sorry teacher I overslept. Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!,0,en
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today... To make it more classy...,1,en
My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.,1,en
Q: Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? A: He found a leek there.,0,en
"Hey Girl Scout, let your mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math",0,en
"I told Cheryl Cole I was taking her to Scandinavia for a weeks holiday. ""Norway? "" ""No, I'm serious.""",1,en
just bumped into my old french teacher and she asked me what i'm up to now. i told her i go to the cinema and play football with my brother,1,en
what type of music does a balloon hate? pop music,1,en
"I'm never hungry but always starving, what am I? Depressed",0,en
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo? for meatier showers.,1,en
Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread? It was a crusty steed!,0,en
What do Michael Jackson and Darth Vader have in common? They both turned from the dark side to the light side.,1,en
Appreciate this tweet. Appreciate it because I tweeted it stealthily on the plane AFTER they told me to turn my phone off twice,0,en
How many people live in Ethiopia? Depends on the wind direction. ,1,en
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Hollywood.,0,en
"It always amuses me when I see tweets from people clearly using words they don't understand, thus making themselves look aerodynamic.",1,en
what does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? they both can be used to carry vegetables threedots,1,en
Why is Yoda Programming full of exceptions? Because there is no try.,0,en
what do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? chicken sees a salad .,1,en
"So if something's not ""unique"" then it's just ""ique, "" right?",1,en
A local candle shop burned down. it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday,0,en
What do you call somebody who is creative with special needs? An Autist,1,en
How much does funeral insurance cost Enough to put you in so much debt you need to dig your way out Alternatively: an arm and a leg,1,en
"dad says to me, you'd be a great fisherman because you check the net all the time",1,en
Whats the derivative of Amazon? Amazon prime.,0,en
What's in the toilet of the Star Ship enterprise? The captains log,0,en
what's the difference between a baby and a submarine? i've never been in a submarine .,0,en
what did the captain say when the navigator complained they were off course? don't give me that latitude,1,en
have anyone heard that band the prevention? they are way better than the cure .,1,en
what is dna short for? national dyslexics association,1,en
What do you call bees that produce milk? Boobees,1,en
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs? He did CrossFit.,1,en
More sad news in the music industry today. Kanye west was found alive in his house this morning,1,en
What language does robot Marco run on? Rubio on rails,0,en
What's the difference between a baby and a stone? I managed to make the stone bounce off the surface of the pond.,0,en
"what involves a man and two women , and doesn't even last a minute? a ronda rousey fight .",0,en
I'm glad I know sign language. It comes in handy sometimes,1,en
I think single ply toilet paper is very spiritual. I easily get in touch with my inner self,1,en
Why was the painter hospitalized? He had a stroke.,0,en
what's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus? the picture only takes one nail,0,en
"i was asked earlier today on my view on lesbian relationships. apparently in "" hd "" was the wrong answer",1,en
what did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed? thanks for the handy cap .,0,en
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't return?  Boom didn't rang,1,en
my dad recently fell for one of those nigerian prince scam emails. i feel bad for him but i really needed the money,1,en
"Last Tuesday, my drinks machine broke down. It was soda pressing",0,en
Want to hear an awesome lyrebird impression? You just did.,0,en
why is tumblr so odd? because they can't even .,0,en
"At willcall for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me. It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman",1,en
What type of Bee gives Milk? A BooBee!,0,en
"Did you hear about the competition between Volvo and the other Swedish car manufacturer? It's all just a Saab story, really.",1,en
"what did the smoked salmon say after it realised it was no longer ill? "" i'm cured ! """,1,en
Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.,0,en
Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.,0,en
"From a shark's perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.",1,en
"What did Adele say when the chicken crossed the road? ""Hello from the other siiiiiiide!""",0,en
and the best mcdonald's employee of the month goes to mad max: fury road .,0,en
a man decides to go to the zoo there was only a dog there. it was a shih tzu,1,en
"Tech guy says: ""When in doubt reboot. "" Okay, I've rebooted but i still don't see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer",1,en
What kind of music does an inspired Latin fish listen to? Carp E.D.M. Credit to my friend for this one.,1,en
why are hurricanes named after women? because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car,1,en
have you guys ever seen any of my exes? exactly .,0,en
did you hear about the guy who had writers block? he stopped writing and it was,1,en
"reddit's ""letterbox"" is sorta like a. wordbank",1,en
"A man in an interrogation room says ""I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."" Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?",1,en
I'm a ginja. What is that you might say? A ginger ninja,0,en
How do you know you've found Christopher Walken's house? It has a recognizable gait,1,en
they told me i had type a blood. but it was a type o,0,en
sea shells why do mermaids wear sea shells? because the d shells are to big .,1,en
i'm like superman. when people see me out in public i'm always in the same outfit,1,en
How do we even know Stephen Hawking is dead? He could have just lost the remote.,0,en
did you hear about the burger van that crashed into the casino? there were chips everywhere .,1,en
"Now that Britain has left the EU, you'll need a Visa to get in and around. for everything else, there's Mastercard",0,en
What do you call a nun in the wheelchair? Virgin mobile,0,en
Just met a nerdy spider. He's a web designer,1,en
Bon Iver just walked into my Starbucks. Wait nope just a super sad cat,0,en
why couldn't the baby camel surf the internet? because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump .,1,en
"there's a doctor here to see you . doctor who? no , i think it's a non time traveling one .",0,en
upvote yyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,0,en
what did the mailman say when his mail truck caught fire? that he needed to address the situation,1,en
What is zombie's favorite hiking snack? Entrail mix,0,en
How do blind people know someones skin color? They hear the chains.,1,en
hold on i'm about to count my money. alright i'm done,0,en
""" what's the difference between sin and shame? "" "" it is a sin to put it in , but it's a shame to pull it out . """,0,en
Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings? His shavings account.,1,en
Today I found my moms head in the dishwasher... I'm really freaked out cause I thought I left it in the freezer,0,en
What do you call a dancing painter? Bob Floss,1,en
"i decided to have a can of soup for lunch today threedots threedots and hating to see good food go to waste, i decided to have the soup as well .",0,en
Why did the man go fishing? Just for the halibut.,1,en
what did the redditor say to the repost? upvote !,0,en
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping? It's a dream job.,1,en
where did the joker prank batman? got ' em city .,0,en
who do blind kids boo at wrestling events? john cena .,1,en
Anything in a Country can be fixed with Hammer and a Sickle.,1,en
"Friday night is my weekly time to ponder. which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends",1,en
I bring Mayweather with me when I work at customer service. Because he's great at avoiding fights,1,en
"I told my wife. I'm going to quit my job to become a stand up comedian, and she said, ""You can't be serious""",1,en
Why did the WTC get hit by Terrorist? They didn't get hit by Terrorists.,1,en
why did the printer have wet ink? because it couldn't control p,1,en
"give a man a fish and he'll go to mcdonald's instead. teach a man to fish and nope , still mcdonald's",0,en
Did you hear about the geometry teacher who tried to take a selfie? It was a protracted process but eventually he found the right angle.,1,en
"what do you get when you cross hot chicks coming and going , a camera , a guy known for his explosion scenes , and a douche? possible transformers sequel .",0,en
When I go outside in the winter. I like to put my codon,1,en
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I don't jam after drinking a gallon of nut butter.,1,en
"Facebook's ""People you may know"" should be called, ""People you definitely know and have been avoiding"".",1,en
There is no success without the word succ And frankly partner you ain't getting either,0,en
teacher : fred i'm glad to see your writing has improved. pupil : thank you teacher : now i can see how bad your spelling is though !,0,en
"Me: ""Hey Google, search for Minecraft"" Google: ""Ok, searching for Mein Kampf""",0,en
sleepy from being on your phone too much? there's a nap for that,0,en
I found a homeless little girl on the street yesterday. I gave her a pair of my genes.,1,en
"I have a weird fungal infection on my foot. I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me",1,en
what did the doe say when she came out of the woods? i'm never doing that for two bucks again !,0,en
How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.,1,en
"The sign said: FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH, but I doubt it.",1,en
what do you call a belt made out of watches? a waist of time threedots,1,en
where's the best place to go on the first date? all the way,0,en
parents : don't give your child the answers to his homework. he needs to learn on his own that you don't know what you're talking about,1,en
Guess who's watching Vin Diesel movies all day again? That's right: Vin Diesel.,0,en
"In ""Come As You Are"", Kurt Cobain kept repeating ""And I swear that I don't have a gun""... ...he lied.",1,en
What's big and green and sits in the corner? The Incredible Sulk!,0,en
What do Kiwi nuclear engineers eat? Fusion chups.,1,en
There was a new case of Coronavirus today Just another one on the Tab,0,en
"A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.",1,en
what do you call it when a jedi doesn't heat something up fully? luke warm,1,en
""" wanna go camping? "" "" no thanks , i have a house . """,0,en
How often should you make puns about the elements? Periodically,1,en
"We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us... We're going to have a blast!",0,en
What do you get when you feed an Eevee a sandwich? A Luncheon!,0,en
How many babys does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them,1,en
IamA Bing search engine AMA Please. Just ask me something,0,en
What do you call an affectionate island? Isle of view,1,en
Did you hear about Chris Brown's latest Hit? Left Hook.,0,en
How can you tell if your girlfriend has good credit? If her name is Lisa Carr,0,en
"I've just been outside, watching two Silkworms race each other up a leaf. It ended in a Tie.",1,en
What do you call a hot day in Canada? A Nova Scorcha!,0,en
"how many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? none , that's a hardware problem .",1,en
Autocorrect is horrible. I'm so tired of this shirt,0,en
why did the guy not draw a circle? because there was no point .,0,en
"What's the difference between a condom and a coffin? Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.",1,en
You know you're growing old when ...  You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore. ,0,en
Why did the rock band get in serious treble? They failed on a consistent bassist.,1,en
what a do pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common? they can smell it but they can't eat it .,1,en
What do you get if you squash a house? A flat.,1,en
Why is hay so unreliable? It keeps baleing,1,en
"So, me and my friends like to talk about deep things.... Just like my cuts",0,en
Someone told me they could beat me in a photoshop battle. Adobe'd it,0,en
"why will i go down in history? i dunno , but i'll go down in math and chemistry too .",1,en
"I'm not afraid of butterflies, but they do make me feel nervous.",0,en
"Just wrote a song about making sandwiches using tortillas. ... Well, it's more of a rap...",1,en
"i loved going to the psychiatrist as a young girl . he said "" i think i can see the problem, mr smith . """,1,en
What language do baby frogs speak? Tadpolish,1,en
how do you cure a mute coworker? tell them a secret,0,en
how do you call a play on numbers? a pin .,1,en
what's the difference between a mathematician and a pizza? a pizza can feed a family .,1,en
Friends are like motorcycles. 'Cause I wish I had a motorcycle,0,en
I was reminiscing at my old school's library. looking back at my shelf,0,en
"The steak pun... ...a rare medium, sometimes well done.",1,en
"If love at first sight was really a thing, I would've been married to Cheetara from Thundercats",0,en
Turn your phone upside down to read the following message. sapnu puas,0,en
did you hear about the new extreme camping tv show? it's in tents .,1,en
you know what is ironic about whitney houston dying in her bath tub? she was taking swimming lessons at that time,0,en
did you hear the one about the deaf kid? neither did he .,0,en
""" want to hear a joke about potassium? "" "" yes "" "" k """,0,en
"Today is National Pasta Day I have a friend that would have loved today, but sadly she's pastaway",0,en
what's red and looks like a bucket? a red bucket .,0,en
"What is always in the corner, but can travel around the world? A postage stamp!",0,en
I love chess White is always first,0,en
My autistic friends have less money At least they have more chromosomes,1,en
What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios? Toucan play at that game,1,en
I was a professional boxer. Then I picked up Muay Thai just for kicks,1,en
How did Peter Parker know Mary Jane was cheating on him? He spied her man.,0,en
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago. Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?,0,en
there was once a zoo that only had one animal : a dog. it was a pretty shitzu,0,en
It's unwise to cut down a forest on your own. It usually takes tree fellers or more,1,en
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes: You will vacuum the living room. You will run into the coffee table,1,en
what do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? throw in a load of dirty laundry and some detergent .,1,en
"What sound does a Nintendo Ambulence make? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U.",1,en
"Manager: ""Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant? "" Me: 'I bring a lot to the table.'",1,en
How do you find the circumference of a sheep? Use shepherds pi,1,en
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.,0,en
"The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman. always go with Batman",0,en
what did the homeless man get for christmas? frostbite .,1,en
a man walks into a bar it was a metal one. he hit his head and got a concussion,1,en
"An app that detects itself running on other people's phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you",0,en
i got fired from my job at the juice company. i couldn't concentrate,1,en
what type of music do they listen to in the czech republic? prague rock .,1,en
Have you seen the new ticket prices for Alton Towers? Admission now costs an arm and a leg!,0,en
"Did you guys hear what Avicii's last words were? ""Don't wake me up.""",0,en
"I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids. But when I came back home, they were still there.",1,en
Which is the most silky planet? Satin!,0,en
what is the fastest way to lose pounds? leave eu .,0,en
"What do you call a mobile shooting range? A school bus, and after the ambulance going to the hospital.",1,en
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?  Deaf defying...,1,en
"elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like ""lmao for sure, g'night""",1,en
What caused Captain Morgan's shipwreck? He was on the rocks.,0,en
"If you like something, don't forget to really oversell it so it can disappoint everyone else.",0,en
"""Hey, did you see that article about cats invading the internet? "" ""Yeah, I reddit.""",0,en
"What do you get when BMW, Volkswagen, and Callaway design a car together? A Mini Golf.",1,en
smooth farmer whats a farmers best dating advice? a tractor,0,en
i used to be great at word play. once a pun a time,1,en
"sign at the gas station: "" bathroom is no longer available . "" i can't believe it . even the shell bathroom has someone .",1,en
Why are gas giants always so happy? Because they're so Jovial.,1,en
"My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them , they're imaginary too",1,en
"what did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? if you hadn't been so fresh , we wouldn't be in this jam !",0,en
"TIFU when I went to Subways... Whoops wrong sub. Oh wait. This has been done before, hasn't it? You probably Reddit already.",0,en
Reporters Why did the reporter only dunk chips in the middle of the dip? He just wanted the inside scoop.,1,en
"what does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom? nothing , the pee is silent",1,en
What do you call a racehorse who's too old to race? Fast paste.,1,en
q . what does a cow make when the sun comes out? a . a shadow,0,en
"Steve Irwin taught me a valuable life lesson turns out, stingrays love foreplay",0,en
How does the Ethiopian military camouflage themselves? They turn sideways.,1,en
What is the Opposite of Palindrom? NTSCindrom HAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAHAHA,0,en
"i fear my neighbor may be stalking me , she's been googling my name last night on her computer. i saw it clearly through my binoculars",1,en
I was relieved when the school shooter moved on to the next classroom because he left lots of dead girls.,0,en
What do animals read in zoos? Gnus papers.,1,en
why didn't santa's father get a ticket for speeding in the sleigh? a grandfather claus got him out of it !,0,en
What do you call a small family in Hiroshima and Nagasaki? A nuclear family,1,en
i have a nice body. it's in my trunk,1,en
why was the snowman smiling? he heard the snow blower coming,0,en
"a fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him , "" do you know what tomorrow is? "" and watch the panic set in .",1,en
how do blondes carpool? they meet up a work,1,en
Who writes hit musicals on the Internet? Andrew Lloyd Webber.,1,en
How do you hold a pirate rabbit? With its buccaneers! Source: Dad.,0,en
"chuck norris eats eight meals a day. seven are steak , and the last is the rest of the cow",1,en
I saw a magic car the other day... It turned into a garage!,0,en
what's the difference between a religion and a cult? the number of followers,1,en
Why did R Kelly learn how to play the guitar So he could learn to finger A minor,1,en
How do you catch a runaway laptop? With an Internet.,0,en
"English teacher asks me, ""What's an example of pleonasm? ""Troublesome Woman""",1,en
"I went into a bookstore and asked for some books on turtles. ""Hardbacks?"" ""Yes, and with little heads too"".",1,en
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm? You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.,0,en
"What's gray and comes in quarts? According to my mom, my new stepdad",1,en
"the other night i went out on a blind date well it didn't start out that way, she had mace .",0,en
"To smell good while aboard the ISS, astronauts wear. Old Space",1,en
I bought a disk of Chris Brown's greatest hits. Rihanna is on almost entry.,0,en
why are e.t . ' s eyes so big? he saw the phone bill .,0,en
Welcome to the Orange Juice Simulator! So much concentration.,0,en
It's really easy to prevent ladies rom eating Tide Pods.. It's more difficult to detergents.,1,en
What does a musical banana wear? A Bandana!,0,en
The fires in Australia are good. I heard kargaroo tastes good,0,en
"if i'm suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it's only because i want what you're eating .",1,en
What is something that Hilter did that women still do to this day? Removing polish with chemicals,1,en
I got my grandpa with Parkinson's a Christmas gift It doesn't matter what I got him he probably already broke it from shaking the box,0,en
"did you hear about the car with wooden wheels , a wooden engine , and wooden doors? it wooden start",1,en
What did the Pope say when a cougar crossed his path? Oh my gosh I almost Puma pants.,0,en
"why yes , i do live under a rock. it's called the moon",1,en
"today's a beautiful day threedots after all, nothing beats mayweather .",0,en
i couldn't sleep last night so i decided to play on my drums. i also learnt that my neighbour has tourette's,1,en
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers!,0,en
"So a blind man walks into a bar... And then a chair, and then a table...",1,en
Made out with a milf in the theatre last weekend. Although the movie was pretty well ruined with little Timmy talking through the whole thing,1,en
a little lizard so a girl walks into a bar with a little lizard and the bartender asks her what she has in her hands. she replies that it's my newt,1,en
A person falls down in a race... He was defeeted,0,en
did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side ripped off by a shark? he's all right now .,0,en
How did the world's tallest monster become short overnight? Someone stole all his money.,0,en
taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. i should have gotten a cat,1,en
What do you call a man made of dirt? Claude.,1,en
"""You look like a million bucks"", said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.",0,en
Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not with c? Because you can't see in the dark Badambum!,0,en
"i've got a conspiracy joke that no one would believe, even though the punchline is in plain sight .",1,en
i broke up with my girlfriend while we were jogging. i guess we had a good run,1,en
"How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes three episodes.",0,en
there are two types of people in this world. those who finish what they start,0,en
What do you call someone who hates browsing the web with Google? A Chromophobe.,1,en
"i eat cake every day because i know somewhere out there, it's someone's birthday and i need to show respect .",0,en
drop a ring pop in front of him . if he picks it up and hands it back to you threedots congratulations! you're engaged .,0,en
"what did the cake say to the pie ? "" that's sweet, ain't it ? """,1,en
"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippy? He was too far out, man. ",0,en
Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees? Because they kept droning on and on !,0,en
What do you call the process of creatively making drip coffee? Arts and carafes.,1,en
"Somebody asked me, What song turns me on the most... It's my Mom's lullaby",0,en
"""Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon? "" ""I stayed in"" ""Oh""",0,en
Whats similar between a banana and a vegetable? Both have more chromosomes than a human,1,en
I have a joke on reddit But no one will read it!,0,en
What is the difference between Elon musk and Tony Stark? Stark industries has actually turned a profit,1,en
Customer: Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials? Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.,1,en
"whats the difference between an elephant and a grape? they are both purple , except for the elephant .",1,en
How did Geordi La Forge go blind? He turned on the UV light in the Holodeck.,0,en
"A joke about a hangman's noose. You probably thought it's knot funny, but there's a twist at the end",0,en
I've had a rough morning. I woke up and tripped over my wife's bra; it was a booby trap,0,en
"One day I will get to bed early, but that day is not today.",0,en
Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck.,0,en
Stevie Wonder. I don't see what his problem is,1,en
How long does it take to get from Dorne to Meereen? It Varys.,1,en
Why is Chapstick so popular? Cause it's the balm baby!,0,en
What's the difference between California and the Titanic? The Titanic had lights on when it sank,0,en
"My wife said today is Women's day I replied ""isn't it everyday?""",1,en
Rome wasn't built in a day It just looks like that.,0,en
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me. Then he turned around and asked me a question,1,en
nobody is happy. be like nobody,0,en
Which day of the week do ghosts like best? Moandays.,0,en
Ron Burgundy recently upgraded his car straight from junker status to luxury SUV. Well that Escaladed quickly,0,en
"This is my goodbye letter There are many like it, but this one is mine",0,en
I wonder if Woody or Buzz have ever met Andy's moms toys. I think it would cause mass confusion as they probably share the same names,0,en
I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind. It came right out of the purple,1,en
"Today is the coldest day of the year. And the warmest, shortest, longest, driest and most wet",0,en
You are all beautiful to me ...with the proper lighting.: D Have a great day!,0,en
My wife left me for a fisherman. Poor guy's still reeling,0,en
Pregnant elephant Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug? A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.,0,en
how many women does it take to park a car? a man .,1,en
"so i got a new job, and at the interview they told me i would be making millions threedots i'll be working at the u.s . mint .",1,en
"""How Dark Are Your Jokes?"" they pick cotton",1,en
"Kids, you'll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil",0,en
What is the difference between Jews and pizza? Cooking time,1,en
I broke my finger at work today On the other hand I'm completely fine.,0,en
What do tight pants and cheap hotels have in common? No ballroom. ,1,en
"What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, starts with C and ends with T, and has a U and N in the middle? A coconut",1,en
Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress? She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement,1,en
I am a very impatient person So I decided to abort.,0,en
"After the Swiss Idol, a Bern resident was found dead in his home.",1,en
What seporates mankind from amimal? The Mediterranean Sea,1,en
Why are Aluminum Phosphate ions so bad at math? They have trouble forming solutions.,1,en
why do teenage girls always hang out in odd numbers? because they can't even .,1,en
how do you get a harvard graduate off your porch? you pay him for the pizza .,1,en
How do you fix pumpkin.exe? Apply the pumpkin patch to it.,0,en
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I've been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically,1,en
are you in the top half of your class? no i'm one of the students who make the top half possible !,0,en
"I'm doing market research for a telescope manufacturer, I run the focus group.",1,en
Why did they sell Juice World's coffin at the supermarket? They thought it was a juice box,1,en
What do you call a group of introverts? A paradox.,1,en
Why was the programmer unhappy at his job? He wanted arrays. It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.,1,en
Did you hear about that plane crash in Ethiopia? At least now they've got something to eat,1,en
what did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work? i missed you,0,en
What shoes does Brad wear? Loafers!,0,en
what's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? one snatches watches threedots,0,en
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs.,1,en
If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver? Agstralia,1,en
What are OJ Simpson's favorite keys on a computer? Return Home Slash Slash Backslash Shift Shift Shift Escape,0,en
Did you hear about the billionaire little person who built affotdable apartments for other little people? They are called StayFree Mini Pads,0,en
"Meanwhile in africa ""Mom can we get some food im starving"" ""We have food at home"" Food at home:",1,en
Most people don't like Oysters because they give people bad breath. I don't like Oysters because they make my hands really clammy.,1,en
"a long time ago , i learned the importance of just being myself. i think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself",1,en
"priest : do you take this woman to be your wife? me : "" i do "" priest : ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it",1,en
Justin Bieber is going to Hillsong Church conference. We'll see if they make a believer out of him or if he make Beliebers out of them,1,en
My friend asked me if I had ever killed a person I said I guess that depends on if you consider women to be people. ,1,en
What's Chris Brown's best hit? Rihanna.,0,en
what do turtles do for fun? play hide and shell .,1,en
What Sea said to the beach. Nothing it only wave,1,en
"change is hard. i mean , have you ever tried to bend a quarter ?",0,en
Why was the rooster happy after his trip to Vegas? He got clucky.,0,en
"I never thought that eating a bowl of Alphabet Soup could help me overcome constipation. But here I am, in the loo, having a massive vowel movement",1,en
What's the difference between a helicopter and an airplane? Kobe wouldn't be caught dead in an airplane,1,en
"when i was a little kid , i had this friend that was always counting. i wonder what he's up to these days",1,en
Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter? They get chapped lips,1,en
The doctor overseeing Caitlyn's transition advised against more plastic surgery. One more facelift and she'll have a beard again,0,en
my friend took me to a twilight fencing class. i couldn't really see the point,1,en
my wife wants me to take a walk with her today. i'll be on a short leash though so i won't run off into the woods like last time,0,en
Q: Why was the lobster arrested? A: Because he was always pinching things.,0,en
"don't worry , officer , this isn't my blood . really , stop searching me! i feel fine",0,en
q . what do you have when only one line dancer comes to your party? a . a one liner !,0,en
Why does Lebron James drive automatic? He has no clutch.,1,en
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.,0,en
So if pro's are the opposite of con's. Then what is the opposite of progress,1,en
What do you say to the Pillsbury Dough Boy when you want some doughnuts? Bend over,0,en
"TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwhich at subway. Whoops, wrong sub",0,en
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.,0,en
what sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? a nervous wreck !,0,en
"you know, i stayed up all night wondering where the sun went threedots then it dawned on me .",0,en
"Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said ""Can you hear me now? "" the NSA was quietly answering ""Yes we can.""",1,en
"what's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? one you see later , and the other after a while .",0,en
Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy's now.,1,en
So my teacher asked why I was failing my loud music class. I told him the subject just wasn't my forte,1,en
"In the middle ages, it didn't take long to learn human anatomy. You could learn it all with one knight and a scalpel",1,en
What did the vegetables say at the dance party? Lettuce turnip the beet,1,en
how man redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? ten . one to change it and nine to downvote for no reason .,0,en
What do you call an avenger with an extra chromosome? Robert downy syndrome.,1,en
What do you get when you combine a parrot and a centipede? A walkie talkie!,0,en
What high school dance do cheese go to? Promesan.,1,en
So I wanted to make a YouTube channel about Reddit. They wouldn't let me name it RedTube,0,en
"a blonde sees a another blonde across a lake and asks "" how do i get to the other side? "" the other blonde replies threedots "" you are on the other side "" .",1,en
"I bet sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.",0,en
you know what doesn't cry? birth control,0,en
Astronaut Booty Call. Crater My unit would like to explore your crater,0,en
What do soybeans call their mother? Edamame.,1,en
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.,1,en
the special olympics is like nascar. you're not watching it for the race threedots,0,en
I dreamt of a better world for chickens everywhere. A world where chickens could cross the road without having their motives questioned.,0,en
why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress? because she always makes up .,1,en
did you hear about the arm that tells jokes? they're actually quite humerus,1,en
still waiting for the fedex joke? op didn't deliver .,0,en
Who wants gold? amuse me first...hahaha,0,en
What is an ethiopian child's favorite food? Their parents,1,en
"so i met a vegan. i'd finish the joke , but she's still talking",1,en
"if the pilgrims were alive today , what would they be most famous for? their age .",1,en
did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? it finally dawned on her .,0,en
My Russian friend came to visit me Vladislav? Baby Don't Hurt Me....,0,en
"Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I'm going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out",1,en
german sausages. they're the wurst,1,en
What microorganism holds its shape the best? Mold!,1,en
a kitchen joke . why was the cutting board? the knife was really dull,1,en
jesus wrote a play about a tornado. it was an act of god,1,en
"what has a head , a tail , and no body? a coin !",0,en
What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? She was beside herself.,0,en
what is a suicidal person's favorite card game? bridge .,1,en
thanks for sending your blackberry pin to my iphone. when did you get electricity in your cave ?,0,en
know what the two pessimists did when they first met? they shook their heads .,1,en
Can a ninja throw a star? Shuriken,0,en
great jokes are like miscarriage. they never get old,1,en
What pillar doesn't need holding up? A caterpillar !,0,en
My sister and I take games very seriously So I don't understand why my parents were crying when they saw my sister playing hangman ,1,en
"""It's possible to touch birds! "" I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.",0,en
"My cats are named Ra and Isis. In ancient Egypt, they would have been gods",1,en
What is the softest part of a wheel chair? The vegtable sitting in it,1,en
"What do seeds and antivaxxers kids have in common? Before they are mature, they are underground. ",1,en
"and the lord said unto john , "" come forth and you shall receive eternal life "". but john came in fifth and won a toaster",1,en
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.,1,en
"An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so? Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.",1,en
What do you call it when a story has a recurring train theme? A Loco Motif,1,en
Did you hear about the new LSU Visa card coming out? You get Les Miles and zero points,1,en
"The D in woman stands for ""Deserving of respect"" And there is no D in woman. Yet.",0,en
"did you hear about the two antennas that got married? the ceremony was okay , but the reception was great !",0,en
What sound does a motorcycle in the south make? RRRRRRRUNNIGGANIGGANIGGANIGGANIGGA,0,en
the good news is i'm pretty much who i say i am. the bad news is i'm pretty much who i say i am,1,en
"Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.",0,en
what did waldo say at the superbowl? i'm just here so i won't get find .,0,en
did you hear about the lego truck that crashed on the highway? authorities are still trying to piece everything together threedots,0,en
i went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers earlier. but i couldn't find any,1,en
"cookie. i would give you a cookie , but i took a byte out of it",0,en
breakfast i went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. so i ordered french toast during the renaissance,1,en
How many bees do you need in a bee choir? A humdred !,0,en
how many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? two .,0,en
"what has wheels and is green? grass , i lied about the wheels .",0,en
where does geography and geography meet? the bermuda triangle .,1,en
"A kid asks his Dad to show him a magic trick. Dad says, ""Sure"" then he disappears and never returned",1,en
What did the Scientologist play on his Wii? Xenublade,0,en
"latvian joke one latvian comes to other latvian . first say "" is that potato? will buy . "" second latvian say "" no , is wife . "" both men sad .",1,en
"I was asked to guess the religious affiliation of various bodies of water I said ""I can't think of any lakes that could be Jewish"" ""But the sea might""",1,en
teacher why did the teacher get glasses? because she was having trouble with her pupils,1,en
What's the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.,0,en
so we're all thinking it by this point! fact of life : after monday and tuesday even the calendar says w t f,0,en
"I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job. Thanks for letting me vent",1,en
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Joffrey Baratheon? Trump is older.,0,en
"If a tree farm is planted next to a cornfield. and over time grows to steal sunlight from the cornfield, would that be farmed robbery",1,en
"have you heard the one about the single lady and the hitman? probably not , the punchline is a dead miss .",1,en
What did the Mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bedtime.,0,en
A Japanese man once raced with his son and lost just like the rabbit in the fable The Little Boy taught him a lesson to remember for life.,1,en
What is the difference between american math and german math? German math only ever has one final solution.,1,en
My friend memorized all the amphibians Now he has toadal recall.,1,en
"if you spell chuck norris in scrabble , you win. forever",0,en
What did Anne Frank say when she threw a ball at the water fowl's head? Duck!,0,en
"If a quiz is quizical, what is a test? Title.",1,en
Did you hear about the company that made corduroy pillows? They were always making headlines,1,en
"my first job was working in an orange juice factory, but i got fired because i couldn't concentrate .",1,en
What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill,1,en
do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? The bond matures.,1,en
perfect one night stand: amish person . no internet access . no phones . in the heat of passion they'll whisper the secret to apple butter .,0,en
What is another name for an all girls school? A dishwasher factory,1,en
"I got the most classic, timeless Christmas present this year A broken watch",0,en
what's the wrong way to feed the cat? to the dog .,0,en
What's the difference between STD's and Pokemon? I still haven't caught any Pokemon.,0,en
what do you get when you cross the atlantic with the titanic? about halfway there .,0,en
"One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.  In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.",1,en
did you hear the one about the irish boomerang? it doesn't come back threedots it just sings about how much it wants to .,1,en
What do singers get during their periods? Minstrel cramps.,1,en
why are there no penguins in britain? they're scared of wales .,0,en
"Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake. Lady: then why dint you tell me when I was removing my clothes? Officer: well, that's not prohibited.",1,en
I tried really hard to make a punny italian joke. but it was impastable,1,en
My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable... She is running out of womb.,0,en
what do you get hanging from orange trees? sore arms .,1,en
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three hos.,0,en
"I opened the door and said ""Honey, I'm home. "", she didn't reply She just stood still in the glass jar",1,en
why didn't the baby oyster share her little pearl? she was a little shellfish .,0,en
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they're the problem is the other half,1,en
Why was the whale lonely after his date? The other whale didn't humpback.,0,en
How come Notepad has no street cred? It can't wrap.,0,en
what do snowmen wear on their heads? ice caps !,1,en
Why didn't the cow want to go skydiving? ...the steaks were too high.,0,en
where do ghosts mail their letters? at the ghost office .,1,en
caution: cutting corners may lead to extra corners .,0,en
I want to tell a chemistry joke. But all the good ones argon,0,en
"Bukkake is like buses You wait ages for one to come, and then they all come at once.",1,en
did ya hear about the magic tractor? it turned into a field,0,en
Can you get HIV off a toilete seat? Only if it's already in use,1,en
What time do you go to bed at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand,0,en
What is the difference between a stillbirth and a bad joke. The stillbirth is never getting old.,0,en
"What kind of amphibian is hired to take your car away? Toad. Thanks, HammerElectionBeans for the edit.",0,en
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he got asked to play in a film about classic composers? I'll be Bach.,1,en
What do you call a biscuit that goes to a university? A unibic. ,1,en
what is the definition of a farmer? someone who is outstanding in his field .,1,en
What language do oranges speak? Mandarin.,1,en
Why did the flume ride need repairs? Because it got waterlogged.,0,en
how do you know if a complete stranger is vegan? they already told you .,1,en
"the seven dwarfs the seven dwarfs were all in a hot tub. they were all feeling happy , then happy got out",0,en
"Two kittens are on a slanted roof, which one slides off first? The one with the least mew.",1,en
"I'm not a big fan of chick flicks, but my girlfriend pressured me to pick a favourite. I went with Pounds per Square Inch Love You",1,en
As the number of cases of coronavirus increases in America The global IQ also increases,1,en
"chemistry one liner i'd love to tell you a chemistry joke , but i heard they were argon. as seen on a bridge at my local university",1,en
I can see the future But it takes me a while.,0,en
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who infer,1,en
"The thing about boats. If we don't bow, everyone gets stern",1,en
why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? they're wheels .,1,en
"give a man a jacket he will be warm for the winter. teach a man to jacket , he will never leave the house",0,en
"My watch is loose, it keeps slipping out of my hand. ..maybe i should Titan it",0,en
"I really like this girl and we go to the same school Only problem is, I don't see her after I drop her off in the morning",1,en
What are two letters a Brit can't live without? T and Qs.,0,en
What did the Marvel character say when he attained full control of his Android's CPU and Kernel? I am Root.,1,en
"how many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? one , and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "" aww , how brave . """,1,en
I'm trying to start a recycled chewing gum company but... ...I'm having trouble getting it off the ground...,1,en
What do you call a group of rabbits backing up? A Receding hairline,1,en
"What was Prince's greatest ""Hit? "" Purple Vein",1,en
did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? they each got six months .,0,en
What's the shortest book in the world? The Ethiopian cookbook,1,en
why did the skeleton go to the movies alone? he didn't have any body to go with him .,1,en
I told facebook my concerns about lack of privacy; they said they already knew how I felt about it.,1,en
What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both glide around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!,1,en
I've been feeling down all evening. I think my duvet has split,0,en
"What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A cat has nine lives, but the frogs croaks every night.",1,en
"Adult: If it ain't broke don't fix it Child: If it ain't breakable, not interested",0,en
"I fall in love too easily. Wait.. It's ditches, I fall in ditches too easily",0,en
This woman asked me if I had ever been in a stable relationship. I told her that I wasn't into livestock,1,en
"if you met my friends, you would understand .",0,en
What do you call your sister with one leg? Ileen,1,en
you know when your teacher is running ten minutes late and it feels like nobody is in charge? that's what mexico feels like all the time .,0,en
"Yes, I've lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing",1,en
"Bigfoot is like a father to me... ... I've only ever seen him in photos, never in real life.",1,en
I really got in touch with my inner self today. I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.,0,en
"When a newly married couple smile, everyone knows why. But when a fifteen year married couple smile every wonders why",0,en
"Bill:""My homework is really difficult tonight I've to write an essay on an elephant.""? Bert:""Well for a start your going to need a big ladder..""",1,en
"So weird that before we invented cars, if you hated someone you keyed their horse.",1,en
how much did the pirate pay for corn? a buck an ear !,0,en
Mute budgie for sale Not going cheap!,0,en
What do a ghost family and the Kardashians have in common? They both have Transparents.,1,en
My life has been going round in circles recently. I'm starting to think that my wheelchair is faulty,1,en
Friends are a lot like trees. They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe,1,en
What does the W in Africa stand for Water,1,en
"a man is talking to his mate about his dog threedots man : my dog loves snow patrol songs ! his mate : really? man : yeah , he loves chasing cars .",1,en
What did the French skeleton say before he ate? Bone apetit,1,en
what do you call a body with no nose? nobody knows !,1,en
What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu? One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment.,1,en
Why do witches not wear any underwear? To grip the broom better.,1,en
what are you doing tonight? your wife .,0,en
q : what do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends? a : endless bread !,0,en
"An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.",1,en
relationship status : i ran out of toilet paper a week ago. update : i am now running out of paper towels,0,en
"i asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date . she turned me down, but keeps calling . i told her i'm too old for games .",1,en
"my mom asked me a question and when i went to answer she said, "" hold on i can't hear you . i gotta turn on the light . "" the dark was too loud ?",1,en
A Harry Houdini Joke What is one thing Harry Houdini can't escape from? Stomach punches,0,en
Where is an orphans favorite place to eat? A family restaurant.,1,en
The funny thing about strippers and fires. The people that are going to show up are the other most experienced people on a pole,1,en
"If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.",1,en
how did the hipster make it to the front page? he did it before it was cool,1,en
Why should you not shop for plywood? You'll get bored.,1,en
"Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no. I have no idea who set your car on fire",1,en
What do they call pita bread in Mexico? Pita pan,1,en
"I was so thankful.... I couldn't thank my friend enough for getting me into fight club. ""Don't mention it! "", he said.",0,en
Did you hear about Helen Keller? Cause she didnt,0,en
I would never vaccinate my own child because of all the complications Thats why I leave it to the certified medical professionals to do it.,1,en
What does Uncle Vernon from Harry Potter not do on Reddit? Post on Sundays.,0,en
why can't you email a photo to a jedi? because attachments are forbidden,1,en
What does Beyonce bake her cookies on? Aluminatti foil,0,en
Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming? Because they are out standing in their field.,1,en
why did all the potato chips but one jump off the cliff? he was a wise potato chip .,0,en
what is the oldest joke in the book? the first one written,1,en
Why did the cat go to the doctors? Because it wasn't feline well,1,en
"My friend told me he really dislikes ""All Star"" by Smashmouth. I said: ""Hey now...""",1,en
Q: What's an educated hole in the wall? A: A wisecrack.,0,en
"when life gives you melons, wear a low cut top .",1,en
"I'm not saying I've gained weight, I'm just saying I don't think my belt buckle should be facing the ground...",1,en
"My parents said I should watch less movies and read more, so I turned on the subtitles..",0,en
"besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness ?",1,en
What do you call an annoyed lobster? A frustacean.,1,en
"Just once, I'd like to open up my refrigerator and find cartoon versions of my favorite foods arguing over which one of them is healthier.",1,en
BREAKING NEWS: Overworked Janitor Sweeps the Nation.,1,en
A pregnant woman had a miscarriage at work. Poor thing. Her boss couldn't even give her a water break.,1,en
"I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.",0,en
what's the difference between a bus driver and a cold? a bus driver knows the stops and a cold stops the nose .,1,en
What does a little sister ride? A Niisan.,0,en
Was the principal's brother really a missionary? He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands their first taste of Christianity !,0,en
What's the diffrence between Math and Emos? Math problems actually exist,1,en
What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters? 'Hot dog!',1,en
"I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like ""Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute...""",0,en
My friend entered a poetry related pun contest. He stanza good chance,1,en
What does an emo kid hang up for Christmas decorations? Himself,0,en
"a vegan in the woods. if a vegan is alone in the woods with nobody to tell , are they still a vegan ?",1,en
"I've snagged so many catfish on dating sites, I'm now a licensed fisherman.",1,en
"i used to think i was indecisive, but now i'm not too sure .",0,en
Confused. com adverts They're kinda confusing,0,en
"From a very early age, I used to feel like a guy trapped in a woman's body... ...then I was born.",0,en
"what's the difference between a church and a mosque? in a church you see pew , pew pew . in a mosque you hear pew pew pew .",1,en
A drum set falls out of a window. Ba dum tssh,1,en
a guy with a locked account just asked me why i never retweet him. stay in school kids,0,en
"If turkeys go extinct and we start eating giraffes for Thanksgiving, I got dibs on the neck.",1,en
"Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There's no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks",0,en
"give a man a fish threedots give a man a fish and he'll throw it out and go to mcdonald's. teach a man to fish , and nope , still mcdonald's",0,en
The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There's a high chance of heil,0,en
What kind of fish will help you hear better? A herring aid !,0,en
"I had a long lasting serious episode of feeling spinning and dizziness. I needed help, but I did not know..... Vertigo",0,en
What separates humans from apes? The Mediterranean Sea,1,en
My neighbor just gave us a brand new dining set! I guess he was feeling particularly chairitable today.,1,en
Where do epileptics love to eat? Little Seizures,1,en
nuns really stick to the rules. they have quite the habit,1,en
"Different ways to say ""NO"": German: Nein Russian: Niej Arabic: La Women: Yes, but ...",1,en
"couple of girlfriends decided to go out on girls night. but they had nothing to talk about , because all of them showed up",1,en
I have a friend always ready for anything. his name is Justin Case,0,en
Have you seen www.yawn.com? Yes but I'm a bit tired of it.,0,en
"It's hard dating with OCD... ...every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I have to turn her off again.",0,en
"As an environmentalist, I've been trying to teach my teen boys to be environmentally friendly. We're starting with deodorant",1,en
What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food? Tie food,1,en
i was in the living room and a book fell on my head. i've only got my shelf to blame,1,en
I lost my wife's audiobook I'll never hear the end of it.,0,en
What's a Canadian's favorite number? Eight.,0,en
My favourite film is the hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a story when the protagonist has a twisted back story.,1,en
why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? because the p is silent .,1,en
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle out of himself.,1,en
So I took a bite of a Hoagie that wasn't mine. Oops wrong sub,0,en
What do you call an actor with learning disabilities? Robert Downey Jr,1,en
what is the difference between kanye west and god? god doesn't think that he's kanye .,1,en
my daughter used to hate eating vegetables. until she became a vegetarian,1,en
what did one steak say to another? nice to meat you,1,en
What's Brian David Mitchell's favorite movie? Get Smart,0,en
If we are all God's children what's so special about Jesus?,0,en
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player? Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?,1,en
Spent two hours at the wife's grave today. Bless her heart; she thinks I'm digging a pond.,0,en
"After many years, I have decided I no longer care where Waldo is because we do not have any sort of reciprocal relationship.",1,en
what does idk mean? i've yet to find someone who knows .,0,en
How are schools and vaccinations alike? They're both worth the shots every year,1,en
what happened in france? did they release a gta go,1,en
"whats the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? you can't hear an enzyme , but you can hear a hormone .",0,en
I like this earth like my coffee Flat and white.,0,en
what do you call a broken snake? a reptile dysfunction .,1,en
I came all the way from New York. and boy are my hands tired,0,en
Never had a girl turn me down. Love my gun.,0,en
What's more impressive than the talking dragon? A spelling bee. Credit goes to a cheesestick wrapper!,0,en
the like button: also for choosing sides in a facebook argument without saying anything .,0,en
I think I'm an extrovert stuck in an introverts body. She was too polite to say no,1,en
god put a perfect woman in every corner of the world. then he made the earth round,0,en
what does my jokes and cancer have in common? only my dad gets it .,1,en
"who was the sexiest woman in greek myth? actually , it was medusa . one look from her made guys rock hard .",1,en
Be careful when camping in the woods Whenever the police find a body it's always in a tent,1,en
"ah, corduroy. u are truley the ruffles chips of pants",1,en
"what's something you can drive , but also throw? a fit !",0,en
What separates humans from animals? Skin color,1,en
What do you call a successful marriage? A dishwasher with warranty,1,en
"I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.",0,en
Two nuns in an alleyway Two nuns were walking down an alleyway when a flasher jumps out. The first nun had a stroke but the second couldn't reach,1,en
"Every time you get a haircut, you're essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing",1,en
"q : why did the farmer call his pig "" ink ""? a : because it was always running out of the pen .",0,en
A friend asked me if I knew what the best pizza was. I said I didn't know but Digior knows,1,en
Did you hear about the two nuclear scientists who are no longer speaking to each other? They had a falling out...,0,en
"Why does the ocean roar? You would too, if you had crabs on your bottom!",0,en
What holds the sun up in the sky Sunbeams,1,en
All milk is artificial because cows are machines,1,en
"sometimes my kid likes me, but i'm pretty sure it's only because i'm his oreo dealer .",1,en
What is the scariest thing about Omaha Beach? The tide.,0,en
"Seven has ""even"" in it. That's odd",1,en
A man walks into a bar. A girl says hello,1,en
What do you call eating out an orphan? A takeaway.,1,en
What happened to Kobe? The helicopter Kobed itself,0,en
"Stab wound? Naw, just an extra pocket",0,en
"My girlfriend wanted me to be more flirtatious. So I said, ""I want to make you the 'U' in 'TIFU'""",1,en
her : i do. and that marks the last time she ever agreed with me,0,en
Did You Hear About the Man who was Arrested for Possessing NaCl and an Electrical Source? He was arrested for a salt and battery!,0,en
What is Alabama's favourite vegetable? Has to be the pump kin.,1,en
People say the ocean is endless. I'll believe it when I sea it.,1,en
what's the difference between audi drivers and a cactus? audi drivers have pricks on the inside,1,en
What is a philosophers favorite food? Pietzsche,1,en
"i like to walk up to strangers and ask , "" would you take a photo of me? "" if they say yes i hand them a photo of me and walk away .",1,en
We trace hands to make turkeys. Quite a handy technique,1,en
why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? because it was stuck in a crack !,0,en
What do you call an orphan who takes a selfie? A family photo,0,en
what do you get when a superhero has to use the restroom? a comic relief .,1,en
What do you get when you drop an egg off the Empire State Building? New Yolk,0,en
"my room isn't dirty, i just have everything on display like a museum .",0,en
What do scientists say when they meet each other? Hydrogen Iodide,1,en
"before i buy a leaf blower i want to make sure i understand the rules. we just blow the leaves at each other's houses , right ?",1,en
man buns: because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie .,1,en
"My secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during lunch when she said,""Remember, you have a wife.""",1,en
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper!,0,en
"have you heard the one about the butter? nah , you'll just spread it around .",0,en
"it's my life. i'll live it , i'll love it , and i won't care what you think of it",0,en
i tried to do a photo shoot in the rain yesterday. turned out to be a mist take,0,en
A man walks into a bar. Another man ducks,0,en
"i saw a hipster walking outside in the cold . he didn't have a jacket on, so i asked him why . he said he was outside before it was cool .",1,en
What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving? Purolator.,0,en
What did Stella McCartney say during a threesome? Come together Right now Over me,0,en
What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare? They're practically non existent.,0,en
"Due to solar radiation, the American flag on the moon lost its colors and turned white. Great, now it looks like the French went there. ",1,en
why couldn't the shoes go out and play? they were all tied up .,0,en
Want to hear a joke? The Ghostbusters Remake,0,en
"tried to look up blurry in the dictionary, but it wasn't very clear .",1,en
How do you catch a WiFi? With an ethernet!,0,en
What's the difference between my baby and a tree branch. my baby couldn't float in the water,0,en
"when she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator .",1,en
at what time of day was adam born? just before eve .,0,en
I like my Women Like I like my Items,1,en
there are two sides to every story. my side and the right side,1,en
"when someone says "" excuse me while i slip into something more comfortable "" , how long are they usually gone? two days seems like a long time .",1,en
Muhabbetin hasn Geekyapar! Can Sungur buralarn tek adimini mi?,0,en
"q : "" what letter of the alphabet has got lots of water? "" a : "" the c "" comment a joke below !",0,en
"What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married? I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.",1,en
Food critics have it easy. everything is handed to them on a silver platter,1,en
why can't a guy see his friends? because he's married .,1,en
Me: I'm done peeing. Khakis: No you're not,0,en
"Kobe's helicopter pilot trying to land the helicopter. ""Kobe""",0,en
why did the superhero make a lot of shredded cheese? it was for the grater good .,0,en
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch. And then eat seven dinners,1,en
why did the dolphin commit suicide? because it felt like its life had no porpoise .,1,en
What do you call a deer with no eyes A great foursome ,1,en
have you ever tried eating a clock. nobody has time for that,0,en
how many south american people does it take to screw in a light bulb? a brazilian,1,en
"what do men and linoleum have in common? if you lay them right the first time , you can walk all over them for years to come .",1,en
my computer blew up in front of my face. i still can't process why that happened,1,en
How does a farmer count his cows. with a Cowculator,1,en
"can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? of course , a house can't jump at all",1,en
I really understand how batteries feel. I'm rarely included in things either,1,en
Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons? They outgrew their leotards.,1,en
i was offered a part in a silent film. i'm speechless,1,en
What do you call it when you make sandwiches at a sleepover? Peanut butter and jammies!,0,en
"I painted my PC black to make it run faster, But then it just stopped working",0,en
"I wanted to start a business selling soap art, but soapart. com was already taken by a support group for divorcees",1,en
"It was a rainy day, she had just left him and was walking back home. ""Nobody will find him there"" She thought as she walked",0,en
"q : what did the left eye say to the right eye? a : just between you and me , something smells down there .",0,en
Whats the other word for fighting? Trading Blows,1,en
my bank sends a text with my balance. it's a nice feature but i didn't think the lol was necessary,1,en
Show me your weirdest gif I want to laugh. Bonus points for ones that I've never seen before,0,en
How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan? ... Take their little stones and brooms away!,0,en
"what hangs at a man's thigh , and wants to poke the hole it's often poked before? a key .",1,en
My girlfriend said tiny pps are fine... I just really wish she didn't have one.,0,en
What do call a girl that eats pastries while browsing the internet? Eclair.,1,en
"Jesus loves me But I only like him, so it makes for an awkward relationship. ",1,en
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers? Fang mail.,1,en
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off to jump on a trampoline.,0,en
"What did one architect say to the other? ""I see the floor in your plan.""",1,en
i ain't got much but i can keep dry. which is more than moist people,0,en
"emo kids: you've seen one , you've seen the mall",0,en
what's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow? cows are real .,1,en
"i googled "" where do ninjas live? "" no results were found . well played ninjas . well played .",0,en
What do George Floyd and a George Foreman Grill have in common? They both need to be pressed on hard before their goose is cooked.,1,en
Photos: World's tallest man meets world's shortest man,0,en
why couldn't the melon couple run off and get married? because they can't elope .,0,en
What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers? Serpants.,1,en
"did you hear about the first time alexander the great went to a brothel? he came , he saw , he came .",0,en
what kind of shoes do thieves wear? sneakers .,1,en
I'm gonna write a book about the Amish. its really a hit or Amish,1,en
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? Because they're both cauldron,0,en
I'm leading the singing at Keith from the Prodigy's funeral I'm the choir starter ,1,en
What is the similarity between Keanu Reeves and an American cop? They are both breathtaking.,1,en
"Wife: ""Honey, I'm pregnant"" Me: ""Hi pregntant, I'm dad"" Wife: ""No you're not""",1,en
What do you call a balloon that glows in the dark? A LED Zeppelin,1,en
why did the boy throw the butter out the window? to see the butterfly !,0,en
"A blind man stands in a store whirling a dog around his head with the leash. A saleswoman asks ""May I help you, sir? "" ""Nah, just looking around.""",1,en
My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there's still time,0,en
Doctor: I'm going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal. Me: Well now you've made THAT nearly impossible,0,en
"If a geologist is in deep schist, it probably isn't very gneiss",1,en
i've been eating healthy for six whole hours now. why am i still fat ?,0,en
where can you always find money? in the dictionary .,1,en
"Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend. He asks her ""what time would you like to meet?"" She says ""Tennish"" He says, ""I know but what time?""",1,en
A nun was kidnapped No offence but she was asking for it. Nun taken,1,en
how does a bad comedian sleep at night? i don't know .,1,en
Why does NASA throw the best parties. they make sure to planet,1,en
what do you call a mexican boxing match? juan v juan,1,en
What is a caterpillar's biggest fear? A dogerpillar.,1,en
"Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland's best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.",1,en
"My new OLED TV has a very good screen. Colors are very vibrant and, being an OLED screen, it has very deep blacks. Maybe automod needs a new TV",1,en
did you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? neither did i .,0,en
best time to go to the dentist? tooth hurty,0,en
"it's cute how my boss called the plastic container on my desk a "" water bottle. "" yeah , that's the clear liquid i keep in there",1,en
"True story I was listing all the TV shows I like to a friend. When I got to ""Psych"", he thought I was just kidding about all the previous shows",1,en
I don't work here. I'm a consultant,1,en
""" go down, moses . "" and he did . and that's why the ladies loved him .",0,en
where did the engine go after he retired? to live in a motor home,1,en
Why are photographers always so depressed? Because they always focus on the negatives.,1,en
"FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.",0,en
Why was the hipster so successful in the stock market? He invested before it was cool.,1,en
Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats anything. Especially fond of children.,1,en
what separates man from animal? divorce .,1,en
I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something,1,en
"a dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend .",1,en
"neil diamond. Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him",1,en
"Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we're having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda",1,en
did you hear about helen keller's dating life? because i heard she wasn't seeing anyone,1,en
"I do this amazing trick where I can erase every restaurant from your memory. Ready? Ok, here goes... ""Where should we go for dinner?""",0,en
Why do programmers like to concatenate time stamps? It's the only way they can get a string of dates.,1,en
"The escalators at the mall suddenly began working super quickly, causing several people to fall over and brutally die. That escalated quickly",1,en
"Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't breaking news. It's been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone",1,en
What do you call a man who repairs dishwashers? Gynaecologists,1,en
What did father bee say to his rebelling son? Beehive!,0,en
The difference between having a good meal and having a good time Depends on where you put the cucumber ,1,en
Guess what I gave my girlfriend for her birthday. Sunlight,0,en
Teacher: Come to the blackboard Jamal Jamal: I'm already here Teacher: Oh oops lol,0,en
"What did the decorators say when they went to church? ""Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!""",1,en
My doctor is really skilled! He gave me my prostate exam with both his hands on my back,0,en
"how does peter pan fly? if you got hit in the peter with a pan , you'd fly too .",1,en
What is a grave digger's favorite element on the periodic table? Barium,1,en
You've got to really be careful when ingesting shoes. cause they're usually laced,0,en
What does a greengrocer weigh? Vegetables.,1,en
"What do you call a dinosaur made of plastic bricks? A legosaurus! Randomly made up this the other night, thought I'd share.",0,en
what do you call someone who raises poultry? a chicken tender .,1,en
"i like to sip a cup of coffee on a sunday, grab a book and start worrying about monday .",0,en
have you heard that story about that man who gets surprised a lot? it was a tale of woah !,0,en
What hair style is a calf's favorite? The cowlick!,0,en
"I call the toilet at work Mrs. Star Trek, because I just Shatner",1,en
Why was the Formica factory so inefficient? Everything they did was counter productive.,1,en
"when people ask why i'm still single . i tell them i'm single by choice . unfortunately, it's not my choice .",1,en
I tried voice training out in the wild I ended up pitching up a tent,1,en
What do you call it when a disabled person tells you a story? Veggie Tales,1,en
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in strawberry patches.,1,en
Classrooms are like a box of chocolates... The teacher saves the darkest ones for last.,0,en
"you see, science flys us to the moon but religion flys you into skyscrapers ",0,en
I used to really enjoy smoking cigarettes. but now it tastes like they simply turn to ash in my mouth,1,en
I was going to tell a joke about the earth. Then I realized it was pretty terrable,1,en
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.,1,en
what happens if you pass gas in church? you have to sit in your own pew .,1,en
"If Dumbledore did a 'Cribs' episode for Hogwarts, he'd be like ""and this is where the magic happens"" in every room.",1,en
my girl started taking off her clothes... and the alarm clock...,0,en
"Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say ""Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling.""",1,en
you know what a satisfied woman sounds like? i didn't think so .,0,en
Why do hens sit on eggs? because they're too poor to afford chairs.,1,en
I got into a fight with a feminist. It ended with a few scratches around the facial hair region and a bruise on the belly. But I received no injuries.,1,en
DAE ever wonder if Andy would be disappointed in OP for not delivering? I went for corny.,0,en
"i took up guitar lessons recently . it's pretty simple, really . unless the song requires the blue button .",0,en
What do you get when you combine mayonnaise and bologne? Bolognese sauce,1,en
Who are the most decent people in the hospital? The ultrasound people.!! lol,0,en
What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job? Bring Your Kid to Work Day,1,en
what's the richest kind of air? a millionaire .,1,en
what do you call a space agency that doesn't go to space? nasa .,1,en
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.,0,en
what is jesus ' favorite video game on earth? i am bread .,0,en
What did Pat Benatar say to the kid throwing cereal at her? Stop using Chex as a weapon!,0,en
I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss,1,en
I've got some good news and some bad news. You've won a free trip to Cairo,0,en
"Why couldn't Batman go to the movie? Because it was rated ""PG""",0,en
why couldn't the fortune teller fit into her shirt? because she's a medium,1,en
"What did the grass say to the bee when the bee asked where he could get some pollen? ""I don't know. Cauliflower.""",1,en
Who is Ric Flair's favorite director? John WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!,0,en
how do you stop an angry elephant from charging? take away it's credit cards !,0,en
How do you circumsize a blue whale? Four skindivers,1,en
What should you do if you see someone trapped in a car wreck? Nothing. The flames will finish the job for you.,0,en
Word of the Day: Eskihoe A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.,0,en
All innocent people are not killed by terriost attack. Some are killed by heart attack.,1,en
What is a flat cat? This cat i just ran over,0,en
I pulled a sickie the other day one of the benefits of working at the hospital ,0,en
"Two Jewish children Two jewish children were sitting on a chimeny, a bystander asked why they were up there they replied ""we're waiting for our parents"".",1,en
"Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.",1,en
school day son : i can't go to school today. father : why not ? son : i don't feel well father : where don't you feel well ? son : in school !,1,en
How do you make a dog meow? Freeze it and run it through a bandsaw... MEEEOOOW!,0,en
What is Ramsay Bolton's favorite band? Cold Flay,0,en
i asked my north korean friend threedots threedots how it was there. he said he couldn't complain,0,en
how do you build a flea circus? you have to start from scratch .,0,en
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An eggroll !,0,en
I would tell a Sith joke. but I don't know if you like darth humor,1,en
"At last, I finally got around to watching the new episode of ""Doctor Who"" ... ... it was about time.",1,en
Do you know what happened to the girl who entered her uncle's house yesterday? Turns out she wasn't the only one entering things,0,en
What does a cannibal and a vegan have in common? For both it is easier to eat vegetables.,1,en
How much did the Olympic Games cost? About a Brazillion dollars.,1,en
See these bags under my eyes? They're Prada.,1,en
"what days are strong days? saturday and sunday , because the rest are weak days .",1,en
I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that's why girls call me Frankenstein,1,en
What do you call intelligent people in the U.S.? Tourists.,1,en
"A woman is like a pool. You spend lots of money getting one, but you don't spend much time inside one",0,en
Wanna hear a dark joke? Turning the lights off,0,en
I used to find window shopping depressing. then I visited Amsterdam,1,en
why do elephants do well in school? because they have a lot of grey matter !,1,en
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore,0,en
"I really like ethnic foods, but the one type of asian cuisine I haven't had is North Korean food. Then again, neither have citizens of North Korea",1,en
"i don't take my shirts to the dry cleaners. if i want to look sharp , i pay the iron price",1,en
Have you ever wondered? What it could be loike,1,en
"If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it. does is lay on the ground, or lie",1,en
"If you ever think someone you know has been replaced by a robot, just ask them to identify traffic lights or cars.",0,en
I saw a fight in the chip shop the other day. Two fish got battered,0,en
i've just bought you all a deck of cards. deal with it,0,en
If glass coffins become popular Remains to be seen,1,en
So I've been tossing up between becoming a meteorologist or a scout master. But I don't know weather or knot,1,en
"A neckbeard is talking to his friend about his trip to the doctor. He said they found a tumor, it's... M'lignant",1,en
"horses are nice, they're like motorcycles you can pet",1,en
"two fish are sitting in a tank. one fish says to the other , "" i don't know how to drive this thing """,1,en
I put one slice of toast in my toaster and got two out. Must have been mitoastis,0,en
"i had a big mix up at the store today. apparently when the clerk said strip down facing me , she was referring to my credit card",1,en
"Why did the scientist take off his doorbell? ...because he wanted to win the ""Nobel"" prize!",1,en
Shoutout to my grandparents Beause that's the only way they can hear me,0,en
"It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too",1,en
epileptic with a sword what do you get when an epileptic person fights an iceberg with a sword? seizure salad,1,en
"there was a kidnapping at school today threedots but don't worry, he woke up",0,en
Live as a preast for a day Remember your first altar boy for the rest of your life,0,en
"if i had a nickel for everytime i was asked for threedots threedots change, i still wouldn't give it to the homeless guy",0,en
Why is a firetruck red? You'd be red too if you had your hose stretched that far,0,en
what do scientists and vegetables have in common? stephen hawking,1,en
"Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.",1,en
What starts with a and feels really good when you do it? Arson.,0,en
define irony: the opposite of wrinkly,1,en
What's the difference between a terminally ill kid and a marvel superfan? A marvel superfan don't get to see Stan Lee in a few days...,0,en
Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it never use it,1,en
Why did the woman cross the street? I don't care. What's she doing out of the kitchen anyway?,1,en
"a guy is lying on a field . there's a backpack lying on his back , and a lot of flies are flying around . what's in the backpack? a parachute .",1,en
Why did the Face of Bo go to the party by himself? Because he had no body to go with.,0,en
What do Paint Samples and Michael Jackson have in common? They both come in little white cans...,1,en
"How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts off by saying, ""A man once told me....""",1,en
When I retire I want to start a business making mirrors. I can see myself doing that.,1,en
"Syrian meal times: The men provide the food. The women cook, The children wash up.",1,en
What's the similarity between my dad and a magician. They both like sawing people in half for fun,1,en
i don't get why everyone told me how great it is to swim with dolphins. i've been stuck in this tuna net for five days,1,en
knock knock who's there ! alligator ! alligator who? alligator for her birthday was a card !,0,en
What happened to Loki after he wath hit in hith fathe with Odin'th Hammer? He became Thor.,0,en
what did the hat say to the belt? you hang around i'll go on ahead,1,en
noble gases are safe from the fine brothers. they never react,1,en
i can't decide if i should get a new mattress or not. i should probably sleep on it,0,en
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I'm slowly and quietly moving everything back,1,en
"Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair. so please quit teaching me that lesson",0,en
We all knew that Jared Fogle loves the Subway Turkey Sub. but now we find out he likes to sneak a little salami into the bun too,0,en
Why is it called a shampoo. If it smells good,1,en
"Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms? Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.",1,en
what's the part of a book that's most likely to explode? the appendix .,0,en
What do you call a fresh creme pie? Creme fraiche,1,en
"a man threedots a man tried to catch fog, he mist",0,en
"on canada day , i like to say "" happy canada day! "" to people . but quietly . and from a distance . i don't want to be a bother .",0,en
"Bruce Jenner joke. Bruce's transition to a woman has been so fascinating, a whole new category has been made for him. He will be considered Transjenner.",0,en
"what did the elevator say to the stairs? never mind , i'll escalator",0,en
"Why is my wife like the Titanic? No one wanted her to go down, but she was forced to anyway",0,en
Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao's chicken.,0,en
How long can a toddler survive in an enclosed space? Depends on how hot u turn up the oven,1,en
You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree. at the dollar store,0,en
why do christian bands only record with pro tools? because they don't understand how to use logic or reason .,1,en
cash or credit? did you just assume my tender,1,en
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it,1,en
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room? There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.,0,en
"I like my scooters like I like my kids... Easy to control, and fun to ride.",0,en
What is the similarty between my dad and popping candy they both burst in my mouth,0,en
what's the difference between a soldier and a sailor? ever tried dipping a sailor in a boiled egg,1,en
Irish Pooing Competition So I entered an Irish pooing competition the other day. I came Turd,0,en
Something people in Walmart have? Colds. Something people in Walmart are missing? Ankles,0,en
"I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good, I'm on knights this week",0,en
"I like my woman like I like my shoelaces. Curvy, loose, and easy to finger",0,en
"what do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? half an hour , just like the rest of the animals .",1,en
Who hasn't seen the new Fast and Furious movie? Paul Walker,0,en
Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide! Courtesy of one of my Biology students,0,en
i'm the best at procrastinating threedots or the worst. maybe i'll decide tomorrow,0,en
What service do you get if you sleep in a bakery? Bread and Bakedfast!,0,en
i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat. so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer,0,en
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? ...Yarn,0,en
I have coffee before looking at art. Brews before hues,1,en
"I hope puns are okay. If you live downwind from a milk processing plant, everything smells like dairy air",1,en
I only listen to Australian indie pop music on Sundays. Because that is the Lorde's day,1,en
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them,1,en
wife: how is it outside? me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy's trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree,0,en
What do you call a chicken that has passed on? A poultrygheist.,1,en
why do trees have so many friends? they branch out,1,en
Why did the person with high blood pressure sue the cook who put sodium in his food? It was a salt.,1,en
"The authorities just apprehended a notorious cereal killer. When they asked him why he did it, he said... ... he did it for the Kix.",1,en
Why do hospitals have AC? To keep the vegetables fresh,1,en
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.,1,en
"I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist... She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder. Now I feel like a distribution.",1,en
what does the nosey pepper do? get jalapeno business !,0,en
"anyone who says "" let's all put our phones down and talk with each other, "" is just running out of battery and needs a charge .",1,en
"one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere",0,en
"What ""YSK"" means? Everyone keeps telling me that I should know...",1,en
why all tickle me elmo dolls are male. they all get two test tickles before they leave the factory,1,en
Why dose the navy use liquid soap? Because it takes longer to pick up.,1,en
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.,0,en
"Did you like the movie yesterday? How is Jerry doing at school? It's a pity you broke up with Mark, he was OK. ""Do I know you?"" ""I follow you on twitter.""",0,en
What do salads and Mexicans have in common? They both benefit America!,1,en
"My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him. He just can't part with it",1,en
what should female robots not come standard with. a sound card threedots,0,en
"what did the guitarist say to the magician threedots pick a chord, any chord .",1,en
a relationship without trust is like a car without gas. you can stay in it as long as you want but it won't go anywhere,0,en
which side of the goose has the most feathers? the outside,1,en
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.,0,en
"My local newspaper ran a story on the decrease of cow psychics. It was called ""Steak Medium Rare""",1,en
"i entered ten puns in a contest threedots to see which would win . no pun in ten did . ps: not my own , came across randomly .",0,en
Admit it. Sometimes you just wish you could read your crushes mind to find out how they feel about you,0,en
"Yes, I've been in love before. I've also had salmonella poisoning and you don't see me running back for seconds",0,en
"You know at first, I didn't like the mold I found on my skin. But then it started to grow on me",0,en
what do people with two left feet wear? flip flips,1,en
what's the difference between feminists and a pencil? a pencil has a point .,1,en
"when someone tells me they're a doctor or an engineer all i can think is: "" wow your parents must've yelled at you to do your homework a lot """,1,en
how do you tell the difference between an x and y chromosome? you pull down its genes .,1,en
A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That's nuts!,0,en
"Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade. Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.",1,en
"in an era of declining male friendship, the rap crew is a more appealing concept than ever",1,en
Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled? Because he's a bad wrapper,0,en
"Other girls think they are quirky because they pet dogs at parties. I on the other hand, fear death but also long for it",1,en
"friend : hey dude can you please help me out? me : yeah , over there mate same way that you came in .",0,en
"If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly",0,en
today i've heard the funniest joke ever. it was so funny,0,en
"time for an update twitter. please add a "" who cares "" button right next to retweet and favorite",0,en
Not all astrophysicists are bad. I'm sure at least one of them's a really Feynman,1,en
"What does one have an overwhelming urge to eat after watching Star Wars, the Force Awakens? Mary Stew!",1,en
Has anybody ever noticed that you can get salmonella from chicken. but not chickenmonella from salmon,1,en
what's the difference between a special needs worker and a gardener? one of them has to water their vegetables,1,en
What's the difference in a light joke and a dark joke? Where they sit on the bus.,1,en
"every spider has the same powers as spiderman , yet none of them choose to be superheroes. this is everything you need to know about spiders",0,en
What is the best kind of vegetable? One that only has three weeks to live. ,0,en
"what's the difference between "" for free "" and "" for nothing "" i went to school for free, you went to school for nothing .",1,en
How did the farmer grow his portfolio? Cornstock,1,en
"being in love is like peeing your pants: everybody sees it , but only you get the warm feeling that it brings .",1,en
"What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.",0,en
what does a hungry clock do? he goes back four seconds .,1,en
Why does neighbor girl just moan behind the door and not let you in even though invited? Cuz she knows you want to come inside,0,en
why did the bed spread? because it saw the pillow slip .,1,en
What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask says they don't know.,1,en
""" i've never told a joke "" "" are you serious? "" "" always . """,0,en
"Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with ""solo"" above it.",0,en
I keep dreaming that I'm falling through trap doors... ...the doctor reckons it's just a stage I'm going through...,1,en
I lost my favorite ash tray. Child Protective Services took him,0,en
"Why did the hipster drown, when he was iceskating? He was skating before it was cool",0,en
What do you call a ghost's fart? Spectral emissions.,1,en
What does D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexia Association,1,en
What do you call a underground cow Ground beef,1,en
What kinds of stories do dolphins tell around the campfire? They're just ghost stories for all in tents and porpoises.,1,en
A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down. It was a pad bun,1,en
Why did the surgeon refuse to dress for work? He didn't want no scrubs,1,en
At least Christianity and Boy Scouts agreed on one thing Little boys are the best thing to happen,1,en
"occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand threedots",1,en
"An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam",1,en
"Do scarecrows really work? No, but because they don't register for benefits, they don't count as unemployed either.",1,en
Man. These croutons are the best thing since dried bread,1,en
What did ron say when he got Hermione pregnant? Fetus deletus,0,en
what do dracula's girlfriend and mike tyson have in common? they both go down for the count !,0,en
What is red and smells like paint? Red paint.,0,en
"What did the priest say to the little kids? ""I've seen this joke one million times already!""",1,en
What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it.,1,en
What's the good thing about FaceApp? Kids with cancer can see themselves older.,1,en
what do you call a kindergartner with no friends? a sandy hook survivor.,1,en
there are plenty of fish in the sea. sometimes you just need a really big fishing rod,0,en
"My friends told me my girlfriend isnt real... Jokes on them, they're not either",0,en
"What did Harry Potter say when he fell down the hill? ""Ouch! I Hermione!""",0,en
jared from Subway What's jared's favorite sub? A junior with meatballs!,0,en
Q. What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles? A. Electricity.,1,en
"Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel? He called it ""Cheeses of Nazareth"".",1,en
what is the difference between period blood and sand? you can't gargle sand !,0,en
I can never remember where Prague is... I always have to Czech. ,0,en
"Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.",1,en
"Why can't you run through a campground? You can only ran, because its past tents.",0,en
What did the glue taste tester say? Mmmmm.,0,en
What should you do if your soda is too warm in a Chinese restaurant? Call for ICE. ,0,en
public speaking is a lot like being on a topless beach. it's only hard for the first few minutes,1,en
"why was everyone saying such kind , loving words to the man? the man was a corpse being buried forever .",0,en
"boss : good suggestions at the staff meeting today , bill. me : i talk in my sleep ?",1,en
"A dad is given bad news by a doctor Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?",1,en
Whats the difference between a coal mining company and the Catholic Church? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts not the other way around.......,1,en
What does Johnny Depp say when cutting down trees? TIMBUUUUUUUURTON,0,en
How did the turtle call his friends? ...on his shellphone,1,en
What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry? A cantelope,1,en
what's the difference between amnesia and alzheimers? i can't remember .,1,en
What did the seaweed say when it was in trouble? Kelp me!,0,en
"My neighbor named his dog ""Rolex"". He's a watch dog",1,en
"My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat",1,en
All of my classes make me numb... But math class makes me number.,0,en
i've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public. especially if you don't know them,1,en
What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat? Shipped beef!,1,en
why does lightning always strike trees? they are the path of leaf resistance .,1,en
Why did the Turkey join the band? because he had two Drumsticks.,1,en
I met this guy who said he was a Mir space station Engineer. But I thought it was quite an achievement,1,en
The difference between cats and kids My cat escapes from the highest floor of my house without breaking its legs. ,1,en
where did little johnny go when the bombs dropped? everywhere .,0,en
Chuck Norris Found The Ark Of The Covenant. He Currently Uses It As A Coffee Table,1,en
I eat meat I like it. It tastes good and the cows were gonna die. ,0,en
my wife and i always hold hands. if i let go she goes shopping,1,en
during my last prostate exam i asked my doctor to stick in another finger. because i wanted a second opinion,1,en
"Ever wondered, why spongebob is having so many holes in his body ? Exactly, he went to an American school.",1,en
how can you tell if someone is vegan? they'll tell you,1,en
What do you call a nun in space? Virgin Galactic,1,en
If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis. it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless,1,en
If your friend jack got stuck on a horse while riding... Would you help Jack off the horse?,0,en
I got food poisoning. Not sure when I'm a gonna use it,1,en
How do snowmen travel around? By iceicle !,0,en
"Having more isn't always a good thing I mean, I have a cousin with more chromosomes....",1,en
"At this point, a phone book is just a list of people who recently died in their homes before cancelling their landline.",1,en
"Drummer's joke I texted my old band today saying I miss playing music. They replied with ""What's new? You missed playing, when you were with us, man!""",1,en
"Baby Bear: Someone's been eating my porridge! Mama: That's wonderful, dear. Papa never eats Mama's porridge anymore. Papa: Jesus, Linda...",0,en
did you hear how the crazy camping show was last weekend? it was in tents .,1,en
If she's old enough to talk She is readyfor the,0,en
What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook? She Peedherpants,0,en
did you hear about the two ducks who got in a fight? fowl play was suspected .,1,en
q : why was the cat afraid of the tree? a : because of its bark .,0,en
"if a woman is in the woods, with no male around will she still complain ?",0,en
"did you hear that the king of the jungle fell into a deep , deep sleep? he's a lion in a coma .",0,en
What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.,0,en
"just made up this joke: so i wrote some fan fiction , it blows .",0,en
"What's the difference between the Donner party and a dinner party? Dinner is spelled with an ""i"".",1,en
"Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you're saying.",1,en
A lion wouldn't cheat at golf. But a tiger woods,0,en
How do you weigh a Hipster? In instagrams,0,en
"i told that woman smoking isn't good for the baby. she said "" i know , i've been trying to get him to quit """,1,en
What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!,0,en
give a man a jacket he'll be warm for the winter. teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house,0,en
How does a conceptual artist change a light bulb? He calls it a work of art.,1,en
What is a downie's favorite song? turn down for what,0,en
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying glass.,1,en
what is dill bread made from? dill dough .,1,en
"I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.",0,en
"That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..",0,en
My girlfriend is like a lawnmower. Everyone is asking to borrow her,1,en
Christmas Presents To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present. They are due back at the library today,1,en
how many add kids does it take to change a lightbulb? wanna ride bikes,0,en
My Uncle is an Astronomer Although he primarily studies Uranus,1,en
What can people do that God cannot? Exist.,1,en
What task was assigned to the last electron to join the military? Survalence,1,en
what do a walrus and tupperware have in common? they're both looking for a tight seal .,1,en
"I Don't always post on Reddit But When i do, people just downvote. like now",0,en
What is the singular form of binoculars? telescope,1,en
whats the difference between yoghurt and the usa? yoghurt has a culture .,1,en
"I'm smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart",0,en
What do you get when a truck full of potatoes drives into kindergarten full of kids? Moussaka,0,en
You don't need to use your words if you're carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out,1,en
what did hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message? to e or not to e that is the question .,0,en
What's better than seeing a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.,0,en
Why was the snowman smiling? ...he saw a snowblower coming up the street.,0,en
How are playboy magazines similar to Anne franks diary? I get turned on by both...,1,en
What does Garry Newman want to be when he grows up? Garry Oldman.,0,en
"no , i am not insulting you. i am just describing you",0,en
did you hear about this new fish? nevermind it's satill in beta,1,en
"I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand",0,en
Me: Is there a discount on this mattress? Someone peed on it. Salesman: You just did that when you were trying it out. Me: Right... so is there a discount,0,en
why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? because it got stuck in a crack,0,en
Why doesn't Hermione keep her money at Gringotts? Offshore investment gains a better return.,1,en
Some acids walked into the enemy base. Threat Neutralized,0,en
"she called and said she didn't have anywhere else to go, so i agreed with her .",1,en
doktor: are you enjoying the weather? me: yes. it is very outside,1,en
"""I don't want to make a spectacle. "" Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job",1,en
joke comments : so you can get all your best jokes in one place. put jokes in comments !,1,en
have you heard the joke about the german sausage? it's the wurst threedots,0,en
"Dear Dreamworks, How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon",0,en
i've got the body of a twenty year old. it's in the trunk of my car,1,en
"What did King Arthur do in Camelot? He ""came"" a lot.",1,en
"it was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey pokey, but i've turned myself around .",1,en
What's a basketball player's favourite kind of cheese? Swissh,0,en
"what starts with e , ends with e and has only one letter? an envelope !",0,en
What do you call a vegetarian that eats seafood? An omnivore,1,en
I turned in my project on gingivitis just in time! I made it by the skin of my teeth.,0,en
"how does batman's mum call him to dinner? "" dinner , dinner , dinner , dinner , dinner , dinner , dinner , dinner , batman """,1,en
i took a vacation to a city in france. it was nice,0,en
relationship status: just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch .,0,en
what do you use to buy drinks? bar tender,1,en
"I was going to make a joke about Alzheimers, but... I don't remember it.",0,en
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.,1,en
My biological clock must be off. I'm getting morning wood in the evening,1,en
"About Rosh Hashana Shofar, so good.",0,en
"every time a woman takes off something she looks better, but every time a man takes off something he looks worse .",1,en
boss : tell me a joke me : i am busy boss : good one! tell me another,0,en
My son is so happy since he gets my secret treatment. He knows it will give him super powers when he's twelve.,0,en
Q: What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender? A: Rhesus Pieces.,0,en
what do you call a guy who is afraid of santa? claustrophobic !,1,en
I was gonna make a dubstep joke. But I dropped it,0,en
what happens when anthony weiner tries to shake someones hand? they think long and hard before they touch weiner .,0,en
"Riff Raff should name his next album ""Street Rat. "" 'Cause I won't buy that",1,en
I have a friend that is much taller than me Because of the height difference between us he can see farther than me in a crowd. He has heightened vision,1,en
Why did the marble countertop leave the kitchen? It was tired of being taken for granite.,1,en
what'd the ocean say to the other ocean? nothing they just waved threedots i'll show my self out,0,en
"Mrs. Claus must be pretty dissatisfied. After all, he only comes once a year.",1,en
How does a blind man find a beartrap? I'll tell you when I hear it.,0,en
Why did the banana go to the hospital? It wasn't peeling well.,0,en
"Girl: ""How do I look today? "" Bruno Mars: ""When I see your faceeee"" Girl: ""Ok ok I get it.""",1,en
why are so many mathematicians vegetarians? cos lettuce,0,en
what's the reason my shower isn't working? you have only one second to guess the answer . no pressure .,0,en
someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? he replied threedots chicken . thank god he is good looking .,0,en
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... She looked surprised...,0,en
boss : why are you late? me : why are you so obsessed with me,0,en
What kind of potato chips do dogs like best? RUFFles,1,en
riveting stuff really. So I've been studying how metal joinery was done before welding was invented. Riveting stuff really.,1,en
"What did Tommy Wiseau say when he got an A on his final? Oh, hi Marks!",0,en
go back to the forest logan you lost the fight just like kong did when he lost to a dingo,0,en
"Bread is not emotionally mature enough to have threesomes When you spread your nuts all over one slice, the other gets jelly.",1,en
Isaac Newton's theory. Isaac Newton was outside trying to explains the forces of the world and then it hit him,1,en
My paper towels went missing. So I had to hire a bounty hunter.,0,en
"When birds fly in a 'V' formation, one arm of the V is usually longer than the other. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.",1,en
what has over a hundred teeth and keeps back godzilla? my zipper !,0,en
I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral I'm a choir starter,1,en
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? Remarry,0,en
Conspiracy theories are like moon landings. They're all fake,1,en
What led to the discovery of gravitational waves? A simple game of hopscotch: Me v. Yo Mama,0,en
what came before the big bang? the big foreplay .,1,en
i always cried when my dad chopped onions. onions was a good dog,1,en
what do you call a fox with one leg? terry : d,0,en
Why did the French milkman have to hurry? He was running lait,0,en
"what do you say to a person who calls a black fence a gate? no , a fence .",1,en
why are mirror makers proud of what they do? their work is a reflection of themselves .,1,en
what did one elevator say to the other? i think i'm coming down with something .,1,en
What do GTA and the third rich have in common? You gonna get chased if you have a star ,0,en
"If two vegans fight is it still considered beef? Sorry for the unoriginal joke, have an invisible flying potato.",1,en
want to hear a joke? just talk out loud .,0,en
i met my wife online. it was love at first site,0,en
As the news breaks of the passing of Michele Ferrero. I can't help but shed a chocolatier,1,en
"Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: ""Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly..... ....because I know you cannot read fast""",1,en
What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips.,1,en
how should you send a letter to the easter bunny? by hare mail !,0,en
Did you hear about the redhead who opened a bakery? He was the ginger bread man.,0,en
Figured this is an appropriate time to tell this. What is an Undertaker's favorite element? Barium.,1,en
how do attractive men pay for things? they handsome money to the cashier,1,en
Which program do Jedis use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.,0,en
what did the homeless man get for christmas? hungry .,1,en
i want to be an astronaut when i grow up. what high hopes you have !,0,en
how do you sink a polish war ship? you put it in water,1,en
"if you love a balloon , set it free. if it comes back to you , it probably wasn't a balloon",0,en
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed! Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.,0,en
i'm in the terminator musical. i'll be bach,1,en
what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? here come the elephants,1,en
Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday But he didn't wave back. So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow,0,en
"It might be hard for your audience to link them together. Coming up with Zelda jokes can be difucult, but you shouldn't try to force it",0,en
What's an avocado's favorite music? Guac N' Roll,0,en
"Everyday is a good day to walk through the forest, The fact that im dragging a dead body is completely irrelevant",0,en
"friends don't let friends have friends. be a friend , don't be a friend",0,en
i ate a bad vegetarian kebab for lunch. now i falafel,0,en
i failed every subject except for algebra . how did you keep from failing that? i didn't take algebra !,0,en
"I have swagger. At least, that's what my deodorant says",1,en
What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso,1,en
What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet ? A desserter.,1,en
"A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items, the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.",1,en
What's an owl's favorite subject? Owlgebra,0,en
"Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I've never felt more beautiful",0,en
"Hate being a funeral director ""why'd u take the job? "" I inherited it from my dad ""You could've just declined it"" And lose my first customer",1,en
What would Steve Urkel say if he used The Force? Jedi do that,1,en
what's the difference between purple and pink? your grip !,0,en
What's the German word for bra? Keepsemfromfloppin,1,en
what did the man do when he got a big gas bill? he exploded .,0,en
I'm going through a phase of categorizing my life in phases. I call this one my 'phase' phase,1,en
"what should you do when you see a spaceman? park in it , man .",0,en
Where do baby soy beans come from? they come from edamames,1,en
Someone asked me how electricity is measured. I was like... Watt?,1,en
"never pretend to be something you're not . unless you're pretending to be sober, in which case that's probably a good idea . keep doing that .",0,en
we're all equal. but i'm more equal than you,0,en
"Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire",1,en
What's a Russian's favorite service provider? Sprint.,0,en
What's your favorite kind of cloud? Mines a mushroom cloud,0,en
What color hair did Mr. Cigars wife have? She was a....cigarette!,0,en
i had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. i told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving,1,en
Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.,1,en
why has the pope never won a gold medal? because he always came in a little behind .,1,en
"when everything else in life fails you, there's always twitter .",0,en
I read a joke about the British pound. But it didn't make any cents to me,1,en
What kind of pictures do turtles take? Shellfies!,0,en
redditors of north korea: what's your opinion on the recent sony hack ?,1,en
Why won't they let you wear glasses in football? Because it's a contact sport.,1,en
I didn't understand why my wife bought me a metal detector for Valentines day. Until she told me she got her clit pierced,1,en
TIL Pat Mccrory doesn't have a gender specified on his birth certificate It's Pat! edit: changed joke entirely,0,en
"You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?",0,en
how do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? put it in the front seat .,0,en
"Did you hear about them computer geeks, who were also miners by trade, who sang a cover of that Motorhead song? They called it The Acer Spades.",1,en
why do computer teachers never get sick? because an apple a day keeps the doctor away .,1,en
tim cook just came out. waiting for the android version,0,en
i'm dating an older woman . when i go down you know what it tastes like? depends threedots,0,en
"just smiled at a stranger. so how does this work , will i get a direct deposit in my account ?",1,en
why didn't natalie wood take a shower on the boat? she wanted to wash up on shore,0,en
"My ""go to"" zoo joke I tell this to my wife and kids every time we go to a zoo... Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A. Elephino",0,en
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a teenage boy? One is a master debater. The other is a masterbater.,1,en
how do you measure how sad someone is? with a blues scale,1,en
Do you love me? Of course Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear Lemon meringue pie !,0,en
how does nasa throw a holiday party? they planet .,1,en
"digging through a box in the closet , i found a picture of me sitting on santa's lap. hard to believe that was almost a year ago",0,en
know how being wanted feels like? just imagine how oil fields like,1,en
why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg? because he always uses a razor .,1,en
what's the number for poison control? dancing with the stars is on and i need to make sure this will be enough .,0,en
What are goosebumps used for? To keep geese from speeding!,0,en
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side,1,en
did you know that nasa sent a bunch of cows into orbit? it was the herd shot round the world .,1,en
i'm not racist. i just have a problem with people's tone,1,en
whats the difference between a baby and an onion? i cry when i chop an onion,0,en
what is harry Potter's favorite ice breaker? Scar Stories.,0,en
advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards .,1,en
"To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.",0,en
My wife treats me like a God. She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something,1,en
I'm so glad I found Twitter. I finally have a rock solid Alibi for my Google Search History,0,en
"My girl asks why I love chocolate so much. Well, I have several Reisens",0,en
Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes? It's called the iLid.,1,en
"my gf said she wanted to try in the other hole. i'm afraid she might get pregnant , what should i do ?",0,en
what's the difference between my wife and my paycheck? my paycheck comes once a week .,1,en
A girl walks into McDonald's and she sees a cute cashier. She goes up to order and asks for a Hot 'n Spicy McDickin,1,en
on what should you mount a statue of your cat? a caterpillar !,0,en
Thinking about opening a restaurant for breast cancer survivors. It's called Hooter,1,en
why is it bad to have a strong american dollar? it's harder to break bills .,1,en
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date. Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand,1,en
AutoModerator is a virgin Just like the mods.,1,en
Why did the cook go to jail? For beating the eggs and whipping the cream!,0,en
"For every male action, there is a female overreaction...",1,en
just saw a guy sitting with a blackberry and a newspaper. i think he was waiting for a horse,0,en
"chestor bennington , robin williams who wore ""it"" better?",1,en
mountains aren't just funny. they're hill areas,1,en
What is green and has four wheels? Grass; I lied about the wheels.,1,en
"if you enjoy sitting around and doing nothing, i'm your girl .",0,en
"Alien: We've returned, show us what you built with our technology Egyptians: ... Aliens: ... Egyptians: ok don't be mad",1,en
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK,1,en
"I got a sweater for Christmas... ...but what I really wanted was a moaner or a screamer. From: Jerry ""The King"" Lawler""",0,en
What do authors do when they are being chased? They make like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde!,1,en
How are God and Santa the same? Neither of them exist.,0,en
"My Girlfriend broke up with me. I took her wheelchair, guess who came crawling back to me.",0,en
My Clothes Dryer sounds like Zoidberg. wub wub wub wub wub wub,0,en
What do Americans call guns School supplies,1,en
What did the plant say to the runaway melons in love? You cantelope!,0,en
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.,1,en
why was the german woman freaking out? because she was late .,0,en
What is Pedobear's favorite time of the day? When the big hand touches the little hand.,0,en
How does Soylent Green taste? It varies from person to person.,1,en
Going to get a facial today. this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon,1,en
what does batman use to wash his hair? conditioner gordon .,1,en
What does God and my wife during a bukkake have in common? They're both covered by white stuff,1,en
"Is that water coming out of your nose? No, it'snot",0,en
i was born to be a pessimist. my blood type is b negative,1,en
Where do the most murders occurr in a super market? The cereal aisle,1,en
what did the bishop say to a large group of priest at the overnight camp for young boys? ' let us prey . ',1,en
what is another name for sunscreen? solution,1,en
"i know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads .",1,en
"I dropped my toothpaste! ...Tom exclaimed, crestfallen.",0,en
how do you catch a unique rabbit ? unique up on it! how do you catch a tame rabbit ? tame way,0,en
What is the internal temperature of a taun taun? Luke warm!,0,en
"A girl is lying in bed. But then again, all girls have lied in bed at one point or the other",1,en
Why was the visually impaired man's artwork rejected by the gallery? It lacked perspective.,1,en
i asked the pizza place to write a joke in my pizza box. they delivered threedots the pizza with nothing written inside,1,en
Why can't blind kids have imaginary friends? Their i's don't work,1,en
"why , yes , i am dressed for the weather. i am wearing a house",0,en
How is a women and peanut butter the same? It takes a lot of coaxing to get them to spread when they're cold,1,en
"oh, i just love it when people are being sarcastic . that's just really great . thanks a lot .",0,en
I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups. thanks Microsoft,0,en
did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? he will stop at nothing to avoid them .,1,en
what's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer? a full bull !,0,en
"i can see no end , i have no control , i have no home and there's no escape. definitely need a new keyboard",0,en
A truck carrying billiard equipment has crashed on the highway...  The driver is under a rest and the cues go back for miles.,1,en
"when I was a kid, our family was very poor.... I remember when my dad was cutting onions and our whole family was crying. poor onions. he was such a good dog",0,en
"Why can't astronauts eat popsicles? In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.",1,en
why didn't the monster use toothpaste? because he said his teeth weren't loose .,1,en
"So, I hear Batman didn't turn up to the Christening. Christian Bale",0,en
I heard about a woman who doesn't use her feet. I really want to meter,1,en
did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? it had mittens .,1,en
what does a tree do when it wants to go home? it leaves .,1,en
Its amazing how much power a simple clipboard can wield. Today I fired my boss. What could he say? I have the clipboard.,0,en
"daylight saving time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight .",0,en
how long do chickens work? around the cluck !,1,en
"dear god, thank you for not giving spiders wings .",0,en
"The best part of Pitbull is he yells out ""MR WORLDWIDE! ,"" at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station",1,en
What do you do with a stuck tap..? Fawcett.,0,en
what lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? a nervous wreck .,0,en
why did the pilgrims create thanksgiving? they wanted another excuse to watch football .,1,en
Thought up a reddit joke today. When is a triangle a rectangle? When it fails,0,en
What was the name of the heaviest man in china? Won ton,0,en
what's the most popular search engine in israel? they surf the net on yahoo .,1,en
Why are DJ's so bad at fishing? Because they're always dropping the Bass.,1,en
"A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter fries. The barman replies ""Sorry bud, we only do plain"" ",1,en
What do girls and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them,1,en
"if jesus played soccer , what position would he play? not on the wing , he doesn't do well with crosses .",1,en
what happened to the man running in front of the car ? he got tired. what happened to the man running behind the car ? he got exhausted,0,en
What does a Polish man give to his bride on their wedding day that's both long and hard? His surname,1,en
why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? they're always switching their tails !,1,en
Whats in Olivia Newton's John? Gomer's Pile,0,en
"What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday? Christmas, Carl",0,en
NPR recently started a heavy metal band. 'All Things Dismembered',1,en
You know who else doesn't leave another man's girlfriend alone? Mosquitos,0,en
"Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'",0,en
Did you hear Stephen Hawkings died? Looks like God finally finished his vegetables,0,en
How was Jackie Gleason put into his casket? Crammed in.,1,en
did you hear about the teacher who had eye problems? she couldn't control her pupils .,1,en
Two peanuts were walking down the street. And one was a salted,1,en
What do you call a snail on a sail boat? A snailor,1,en
My wife thinks that I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary,1,en
What do you call a visit to the Jewish museum? A camping trip.,1,en
Do you know what hurts more in video games?  Lag spikes.,1,en
"Do you ever talk to yourself? My apologies, i wasn't talking to you.",0,en
"my girlfriend once asked me what turned me on: her sexy body or pretty face , i replied ' your sense of humor '",1,en
Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too,1,en
would you people tweet something funny so i can steal it already? i need to update my facebook status .,0,en
Did you hear about Kanye West's son changing his name to South? He felt he his life needed a change of direction.,1,en
Why did the father shark tell his son to always have breakfast? It's the most important eel of the day.......,1,en
I call my girlfriend Dumbledore. She's a head master,1,en
"What happened to all the pokemon GO jokes? I guess people have made the ""switch"" to another fad.",1,en
Orgasms are like opinions. Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one. ,1,en
"To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!",0,en
"A teacher decided not to grade the tests her class took, and instead gave everyone an A. She gave no Fs that day.",1,en
How do you cover a doctor's mistakes? With soil.,1,en
What does a Jewish cat say at weddings? Meowzel tov,1,en
how do trains eat? they go chew chew !,1,en
I like how Saudi Arabian women are now allowed to drive... Bad drivers are a good excuse for driving trucks into crowds.,1,en
I took my wife out to have dinner yesterday Never thought she would be this delicious,0,en
what kinda vegetables like to party? lettuce turnip da beet !,0,en
why i dislike this sub : there's not enough cheese and bacon on it. i think i'll go to a different place for lunch next time,0,en
what is a computer virus? a terminal illness .,0,en
why do women wear panties with flowers on them? in loving memory of all the faces that were buried in them .,1,en
"Why did Quasimodo use the freight elevator at Macy's? He wanted to get a leg up on holiday shopping, but couldn't deal with the escalating stares.",1,en
what's in an std salad? green pees,0,en
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me. I'm in a lot of Paine.,0,en
Hit or miss I guess she took the kids huh. ,0,en
"After the initial energy surrounding lithium's arrest. Charges were dropped, due to lack of connection",1,en
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them. lipstick melts,1,en
"I would like to tell you about how I beat the Elite Four's Pokemon using only Luvdisc. But just a disclaimer, that battle is not for the faint of heart",1,en
"adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going .",1,en
"whenever teachers say ' show your work ', just write a bunch of numbers down and hope they're tired that night .",1,en
What was its name before the paralympics? Skipping leg day,1,en
whats the difference between the titanic and ea servers. the titanic only went down once,0,en
I used to have a car that was made out of wood. The only problem was it woodn't go,0,en
My sister always comes home with bruises on her knees Seems like shes been praying a lot lately ,0,en
"Bro. Can you pass me that pamphlet? ""Brochure!""",0,en
Penny for the Ruble. oh wait never mind,0,en
"I'm not racist towards minorities. In fact, I think everyone should own one.",1,en
My son is a star mathlete. He has developed a geometric formula for fitting his body perfectly into a locker,1,en
til there is only one thing that gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets. a woman,0,en
everybody on earth has that one person that they wish they could wake up next to. mine is a grilled cheese sandwich,1,en
What do you call a baby in a microwave? Dinner.,1,en
What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal? German Shepherd pie.,1,en
"Dad, Why was Mahatma Gandhi bald ""Because he always spoke the truth"" ""Oh! That's why woman have long hair""",1,en
What did the apathetic philosopher doctor say? Who cures,1,en
why did adele crossed the road? to say hello from the other side .,0,en
how does isis cool down in the summer time? in a blow up pool,1,en
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors? Because camping is in tents.,1,en
My hamster died. He fell asleep at the wheel,0,en
What do they call the work when Webster long cuts the grass? Emmanuel labor,1,en
"I'm just waiting for a bold, courageous restaurant that IS responsible for lost or stolen items.",0,en
What's Paul McCartney's favourite food? Maccaroni,0,en
I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don't need that kind of incentive to visit again,1,en
"Yesterday, I went to the store. They didn't have what I needed.... So I went home.",0,en
"what came first , the chicken or the egg? the rooster , then he rolled over and fell asleep .",0,en
what does snoop dogg keep in his backyard? his garden hoes .,1,en
"Beethoven must've hated his music. Sure he spent a lifetime composing, but so far he's spent centuries decomposing",1,en
i thought if i took the shell off my racing snail it would go faster. if anything it seems more sluggish,1,en
What's a procrastinator's favorite punchline? I'll tell you tomorrow,0,en
"Two nuns in a bath... The first nun asks the other ""Where's the soap?"" The other replies ""It does, doesn't it?"" Edit: Punctuation",1,en
"Hey, want a book full of jokes? Here's a copy of my diary!",0,en
Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid? He says hi,0,en
Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching? Because he had his own scales !,0,en
School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.,0,en
Why are people scared of the dark? Because they don't want to be robbed.,1,en
What's the best response when someone wastes your time? Answers below please.,0,en
"""See you tomorrow,"" my friend said. ""Nah,"" I said. ""I'll see you next year.""",1,en
Q: What do you call the study of the purchase of tree parts? A: Stem sell research.,0,en
""" hey juan , let me tell you a funny joke yeah? "" "" joke ! """,0,en
how is today monday? it was friday only a few hours ago threedots,0,en
what can an elephant make that no other animal can make? baby elephants .,0,en
finally came up with my new years resolution. i'm going to stop procrastinating !,0,en
"I always wanted a puppy when I was young... But we were starving, really anything with meat on it would have been fine",0,en
"It walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs in the evening. What is it? A dog with a muscular disease.",1,en
"q : why did the blonde become a big basketball fan? a : because every time they stopped the clock , she thought that she had stopped aging .",0,en
i went to an indian restaurant and asked for curry bread. but there was naan,1,en
anyone ever see stevie wonders wife? neither has he .,0,en
What made Bruce decide against Jacqueline for his new name? He was afraid his nickname would be Jockie.,1,en
"what is small , red and square? a small red square .",0,en
"CASHIER: its declined ME: run it again C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out ME: no C: your name is ""local resident""?",1,en
What is Will smiths least favorite month? August,0,en
I've never used the dust pan I once bought. It's been collecting dust in the closet for years,1,en
"If NASA are ever going to send someone to mars to collect water samples, They're going to have to planet very carefully!",0,en
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,0,en
"long story short, i accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator .",1,en
Dog walking is by far the easiest job I've done. It was a walk in the park,1,en
"You know, I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. then it dawned on me",0,en
"Guys say they love girls that play games Yah, I love girls that play hopscotch ",1,en
I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas. They start off as cars and stay that way,1,en
where does a river keep it's money? at the bank .,0,en
"if you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me .",0,en
"Did you hear about the new Jason Bourne movie, still Bourne? It was set to come out next year but the plan was aborted",1,en
"It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels",1,en
Imagine locking jokes about mods Oh wait,0,en
"brain : we got this! body : yeah , no we don't",0,en
"wife : let's go out and have some fun tonight. me : okay , but if you get home before i do , leave the hallway light on",0,en
"how can you lift an elephant with one hand? a . it is not a problem , since you will never find an elephant with one hand .",1,en
here's a fun fact for an orphan any size chip bag is family sized,0,en
What does an anime firetruck sound like?  owo owo owo owo owo owo owo,0,en
"What starts with ""M"" Ends in ""arraige"" and is a mans favorite thing? Miscarriage This joke never gets old Just like the kid",1,en
have you ever eaten at a native american restaurant? it's mostly corn threedots but you have to make a reservation .,1,en
Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth? Because they philos all the time!,1,en
how many peta members does it take to change a lightbulb? none . they can't change anything .,0,en
My friend told me to teach him swimming but i was too lazy to teach him swimming and... he drowned last week.,0,en
my standards for women are the same as my standards for juice. five and alive,1,en
"One old man was talking to another ""Hows your incontinence? "" ""Depends.""",1,en
I made an offspring with my partner today AP biology project,0,en
Mother told me to put a load in the dishwasher Now i have a son and brother,0,en
what fruit had to have an announced wedding at home? cantaloupe,0,en
what do you call a bird who wants to have a different personality? an alter eagle !,1,en
Straight facts The only thing separating humans from animals is the Mediterranean,1,en
"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.",0,en
what kind of overalls does mario wear? threedots denim denim denim,0,en
I met a girl who said she'd met me at Vegetarian club. But I swear I've never seen herbivore,1,en
how did the dentist become a brain surgeon? his hand slipped,1,en
Where do you get frogs eggs? At the spawn shop !,0,en
"Now that everyone has more free time on their hands, any chance we can finally get around to changing the name of sour cream?",0,en
"what is hard , long , and full of seamen? a submarine",0,en
I asked my dad what our IP Address was. He just pointed at the toilet,1,en
i'm leaving for london tomorrow. it's going to be really weird tweeting from the left hand side of the road,0,en
What would you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks,1,en
"today i found my first grey pubic hair threedots i got really excited, but not as much as the other people on the bus .",0,en
"On the first day... ...God created the heavens and the earth. And on the second day, God created the food items in the back of my pantry.",1,en
i went to a restaurant with my wife last night and ordered the hippo soup. i'm still not sure what i'm going to order for myself,1,en
why does john snow wear a rolex? because he's a man of the nice watch,1,en
what is white and square? a ping pong block .,0,en
"Brad Pitt might be ""better looking"" than me, but I am considerably fatter.",1,en
"What's the us army tanksman's favorite song? ""Tanks for the memories""!",0,en
"did you guys hear about the joke about the high wall? it's so funny , i'm still trying to get over it .",1,en
What does Sonic the Hedgehog wear when he goes to the beach? A speedo,0,en
"love doesn't walk away, people do .",0,en
"I once met a guy from Chernobil Jeez, he had a great sense for tumor",0,en
What is the thing called that irrigates your lawn? A garden Jose.,0,en
Scientist say the thinnest thing on Earth is a hair strand They haven't seen the Mongolian children in my basement,1,en
"instead of yelling, i just say "" caps lock "" and then speak at a normal volume threedots",1,en
I tried turning my AC off today but couldn't. Turns out it's hard to stop a Trane,0,en
"Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you've got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.",0,en
creating an app called Friends With Pools. It's exactly what you think it is,1,en
one night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. that's why i always ask for a bed with two night stands,1,en
Walked past a person with down syndrome earlier today. I swear I've seen that face before.,1,en
why is a divorce so expensive? because it is worth it .,0,en
what's the difference between my television and my wife? my friends wait til i'm home to use my television,1,en
how do you call musicians who produce hit after hit? hitlers,1,en
What would Gordon Ramsay say when he visits an asylum? This place has more vegetables than my grocery store!,0,en
Whats the most deserted place on fathers day? The visitation ward.,0,en
"if you don't believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs .",1,en
"what did the elephant say to the naked guy? that thing sure is cute , but can it pick up peanuts",1,en
I walked into chemistry class. It was Boron,1,en
Do u know whats funny? A vegan vet realizing that they gotta put animals down.,0,en
"Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum",1,en
"i didn't see you at the camouflage competition private. "" thank you , sir """,0,en
"How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? ""Konnichihuahua""",1,en
"Why did the scientist regret naming the organism ""Fungus""? Because after they hung out Gus was actually a pretty boring guy.",1,en
"What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning? ""Go Ahead Make My Day""",1,en
"I just wanna give a shout out to the ancients, for inventing the calendar. It has made my day",0,en
boss : you spend a lot of time on your phone! me : you spend too much time watching me . don't you have work to do ?,0,en
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths! ......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt,1,en
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!,0,en
"What something that counts a lot, but isn't a calculator? Courtesy. ",1,en
"Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail? Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.",0,en
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Pattie,0,en
what is brown and sticky? a stick,0,en
what do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? single .,1,en
why does walmart have so many handicapped parking spots? because they want to have some available to customers too !,0,en
don't buy drinks from children on the side of the road. the money never really goes to aid for lemons,1,en
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing But you mean your mother. I mean another,1,en
"what's a hipsters favorite season? summer , they like it before it's cool",1,en
Did you hear Mr. Fanatic started delivering gifts to children? They call him the elastic clause.,1,en
i like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me. it keeps me on my toes,1,en
"outside of a dog threedots outside of a dog , a book is man's best friend. inside of a dog well it's just to dark to read",0,en
What's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch,0,en
"People sometimes don't give credit to people who deserve it. For instance, we never give Jack the Ripper credit for being the original thotslayer",1,en
If you really think about it Radiation is just spicy air,1,en
"I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.",1,en
how do you know that you are a redditor? i'll tell you tomorrow .,0,en
what's a camel? a horse made by committee .,0,en
how do you know when your dog is a bad hot dog? when it's pure bread .,1,en
Do you know what my favorite type of meat is? Kobe beef,1,en
"Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.",1,en
"The first Olympic sailing results are in England has taken gold, France has taken silver and Somalia has taken the boat.",1,en
Wanna hear a joke about cats? I'm just kitten..,0,en
My TV thinks it's a kangaroo. It just won't stop channel hopping,0,en
"I tried to buy some camouflage pants the other day. But, I couldn't find any",1,en
"I'm trying to become a vegetarian so from now I'm only eating seafood. Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows",1,en
"Did you see the article about Apple buying large, popular websites? Yeah, iReddit.",0,en
What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other? Pillow fight.,1,en
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss's boss,0,en
What was the name of that spy film that takes place in Vietnam called? Agent Orange. ,1,en
"DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news",0,en
"i had a one night stand with a girl who was missing a limb afterwards she wasn't too happy with me, we got off on the wrong foot .",0,en
What do you call a little pepper in Spanish? A jalapequeno,1,en
"How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers? Because they both ""practice"" their professions.",1,en
How do you make a dark joke even darker? Reduce the brightness of the screen,0,en
i wrote a song about tortilla. actually it's more of a wrap,1,en
If you learn about myths... Does that make you mythinformed?,1,en
the lizard child: funny youtube videos,0,en
POOL FOR DJS Q: Why can't DJs play pool? A: They always scratch.,0,en
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? The rope snapped,0,en
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday,0,en
Whats funnier than Amy Schumer? Anything in the world.,0,en
Which war had the most overweight soldiers? VietNOMNOMNOM,1,en
what did the egg say at the party? omelet,0,en
My blood is O negative. That's the best blood. It means I can donate my blood to anyone.. that also has AIDs.,0,en
"I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires. Those were the Good Years.",1,en
Kevin Smith's new movie looks awful. I think I'd rather watch a movie directed by Southwest Airlines,1,en
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure.,0,en
"A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. ""Darling, I'm pregnant! "" Tears running the husband's eyes, he says ""Hi pregnant, I'm dad""",1,en
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? russell,0,en
"I want to go back to school My aim is a little off right now, I need target practice",1,en
"My wife is from England so I gave her a good Rogering for Valentine's Day. He just left and she seemed to enjoy it, so... score?",0,en
Customer: Are the dog crates made of nickel and zinc or just zinc? Employee: I believe they are just zinc. Customer: Making them a Nickelless Cage? ,1,en
nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. it's too crowded,1,en
what's worse than having ants in your pants? uncles .,1,en
"My Japanese friend asked me how was my tour to japan I said, ""Hiroshima was a blast""",1,en
"What did scrooge mcduck use to educate huey , dewey and louie? Duck tapes",0,en
Did you hear about the guy who tried to make an ocean of soda? It was pure Fantasea,0,en
"How do you obtain Kate Upton's nudes? Easy, go on Twitter right now.",0,en
"why is it called xbox one? because when you see it , you turn one degree and walk away .",1,en
"dear customer service: first of all , you should know that i'm typing this with my middle finger .",0,en
"I like my women like I do my homegrown carrots... Not fully grown, and pulled strait from the soil.",0,en
"""Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today. "" My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins",1,en
How do you get a grad student off your porch? You pay them for the pizza.,1,en
"As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me",1,en
what do you call a sleepy relative of a paper towel? a napkin .,1,en
ever had that feeling where you just want to jump right out of bed? me neither .,0,en
I had a great abortion joke..... But I decided to not to go through with the delivery.,1,en
"Katana is Japanese for ""sword"". In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming",1,en
What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.,0,en
What noise annoys a noisy oyster? A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster.,0,en
"Two atoms were hanging out... ...and one says to the other, ""Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!"" The other says, ""Are you sure? "" The first says, ""Yes, I'm positive!""",1,en
What is Call of Duty called in Afghanistan? The Sims,0,en
What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang around here while you go on ahead.,1,en
I got my PHD in scatology today. Reading all of those YouTube comments was a pain though,1,en
"so, history isn't that boring? The history professor asked his student Keaton, ""Have you read Marx? Keaton: ""Yes sir. I think it's from the wicker chairs.""",1,en
The things i say are like circles. They dont have a point,1,en
I was looking for recipes for diabetics The website offered me cookies!,1,en
Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they're hand made.,1,en
what's the difference between a jew and a canoe? every once in a while a canoe would tip .,1,en
she had a little lamb? no way ! i watched mary make six trips to the buffet .,0,en
You know what I love about world history? ... It's a long story,0,en
"spoiler alert : in the book "" what to expect when you're expecting , "" it's a baby. you're expecting a baby",1,en
doctor doctor i keep thinking i'm a spoon. sit there and don't stir,1,en
So this girl makes her own hummus. We're in different tax brackets I'm guessing,1,en
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad,1,en
Why did King Kong join the army? To learn about gorilla warfare.,1,en
what do mathematicians use to get fast delivery? amazon ',1,en
What is the most expensive hair cut Cancer,1,en
I was thinking of inventing some chilli flavoured sun cream. But for now I've put it on the back burner,1,en
what is the difference between a camera and a sock? one holds photos the other holds five,1,en
What do you call someone who steals a Tesla? Felon Musk.,1,en
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A: A pachydermatologist.,0,en
What do you call the girls who outrun me? Virgins.,1,en
"america found teacher : maria please point to america on the map . maria : this is it . teacher : well done . now class , who found america? class : maria did .",0,en
What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!,0,en
"unlike rick astley, this tweet is likely to let you down .",0,en
how do you make an octopus laugh? you give it ten tickles .,0,en
Marriage. a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband,1,en
How do Etheopians celebrate their first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave,1,en
why did the dog go to the hospital? he was feeling ruff .,0,en
what's the difference between your mom and the empire state building? not everyone's been up the empire state building,0,en
"The portrait fell down from the wall, And struck the young man's head. ""A striking likeness! "" was just about all, The rueful punster said.",1,en
What do Steve Harvey and a dentist have in common? They're both experts at placing temporary crowns.,1,en
"i wrote a poem that says: i dig , you dig , they dig , we dig it isn't pretty , but it is very deep .",1,en
"General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy? Me: I mustard the troops. General: ... Me: Just as you told me to, sir.",1,en
"After completing one year at the company, I told my boss that I wanted a hike. So he told me to visit Nepal and do the Annapurna Circuit Trek.",1,en
Took my family to the Renaissance Fair on Saturday; today we are all laid up with melancholy humours.,1,en
I'm about as sociable as mushrooms. I'd like to think I'm a pretty fungi,1,en
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn't do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me,1,en
Why is the military so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees,1,en
"Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.",1,en
"if your dad wrote the bible , who would he have building the ark? not sure who he would have , but i noah guy .",0,en
"reddit is like a fridge threedots you know there's nothing new inside, but you check it out every ten minutes .",0,en
why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? so people don't confuse them with your mom .,1,en
"As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, Dogs sure are easily amused! ... ...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.",1,en
What would Harry Potter's name be if he was german? Harryan Potter,0,en
"What did JFK say about his multiple affairs? ""I did them not because they were easy, but because I was hard.""",1,en
"A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.",0,en
I was out shopping today; guess who asked about you? ! Nobody.,0,en
what's a rabbits ' favorite musical? hare .,0,en
Why did the physicist go to church? To see if it had mass.,1,en
What do you call someone who dances on cars? A morris dancer !,1,en
i put on real clothes today. what more can my boss want from me ?,0,en
Starvation in Africa isn't bad for everyone there. At least the pallbearers never get back ache.,1,en
why did the blind lady fall into a well? she didn't see that well .,0,en
rick astley will let you borrow almost any movie from his pixar collection. but he's never gonna give you up,0,en
"pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform . it's like lighten up, turtles . the war is over .",1,en
Did you hear about the robot that was angrier than half of the other robots? It was in mean median mode.,1,en
I'm into cryogenics. All the cool kids are doing it,0,en
What do you get when you cross a sheltie and a cantaloupe? A melon collie.,0,en
When is it bedtime at the neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little one.,0,en
"i'm not saying my ex wasn't pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture .",0,en
Did you hear about the new Marty McFly movie... ...Where he travels back in time to become a florist? It's called Back to the Fuschia.,1,en
"when i first got my student loans , i thought they were great. now , they're outstanding !",1,en
What happens when the cows refuse to be milked? Udder chaos!,0,en
Most comedians say Michael J. Fox is an easy target But it's actually pretty hard to hit a moving target.,1,en
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?  The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says chew chew chew!,0,en
I proposed to my Mexican girlfriend but she said. I wasn't the Juan,1,en
what do you call an italian at the world cup finals? a referee,1,en
What's the new Taken prequel going to be called? Taken Befour,0,en
"A teacher asked a spanish immigrant student to make a sentence using the words cheese and liver.... ...The immigrant replies: ""Hey liver alone, cheese my sister""",1,en
"my relationship is complex part real, part imaginary .",1,en
"I bought my Christian girlfriend soap for her birthday. So that way when she drops it, I can finally get in there.",0,en
"I popped into Tesco last night to get some oxo cubes but couldn't see any on the shelf, they must be out of stock!",0,en
What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.,1,en
can i just drop it like it's lukewarm? it's been a long day and i'm tired .,0,en
I have a huge clock. Some would even say it's pendulous,1,en
i know one person who thinks he's an owl . who? now i know two .,0,en
What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?  An Apocaclipse...,0,en
"I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money. I'm sorry, but I've moved on, and maybe it's time that you do too",0,en
"the easy way to tell between local police and state troopers is that state troopers usually have more brightly colored, magnificent feathers",1,en
Four out of three people struggle with math It just doesn't add up unless you have twins.,0,en
What is a cat's favorite vacation spot? Maui.,0,en
"Nine year old boys perspective on planet nanes Levi : ""Mom, if there is a planet called Uranus, shouldn't there be another called your pelvis ""?!",0,en
lol jokes what's red and smells like blue paint? red paint .,0,en
How do you cook vegatables in the microwave? Take them out their wheelchair.,1,en
Mommy! I don't want to sleep with grandma anymore! Mom: well I told you we couldn't afford to bury her at least a hundred time this year.,0,en
"saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning . or possibly just a very hairy guy . either way, the silver bullets worked .",0,en
what's the best part of a pregnancy joke? the delivery .,1,en
"I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.",0,en
"What is made of leather, a foot long and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.",1,en
What do you call an autistic albino A snack with frosting,1,en
lpt : how to tie an extremely difficult knot just put it in your pocket. works like a charm with my headphones every time,0,en
Why don't the French enjoy travelling to Northern Ireland? Because they don't like the smell of Derry air.,1,en
So I hear Reddit likes cats. Anyone ever hear the joke about the cat on the roof? Ehhh never mind. It's over your head.,0,en
why did the late man stand on the clock? he wanted to be on time .,0,en
"just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends .",0,en
every year i end up have so much thanksgiving leftovers threedots not this year though. i'm quitting cold turkey,0,en
A genius appeared to me and concede me a wish. I asked to be a literal god. Now I have infinite power over books.,1,en
"Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you",1,en
When's the best time to procrastinate? Later.,0,en
how do you get down off an elephant? you don't . you get down off a duck .,0,en
i remember as a child lying in bed and waiting for santa claus to come. and how afterwards it would be so silent and awkward as he got dressed to leave,0,en
What do a Yugo and a bath have in common? You can't step out of them in public.,0,en
"duct tape is like the force threedots threedots there's a light side and a dark side, and it keeps the universe together .",1,en
There's just one reason the car from the Dukes of Hazzard isn't as good as the car from Knight Rider... General Lee speaking,0,en
"Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.",1,en
Do vegans get paid hourly or celery? That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.,1,en
what's the difference between a shooting range and an american college? about thirty thousand dollars a year .,1,en
"Darth Vader: ""Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let's not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.""",0,en
"I have a sore throat, a sinus headache, a paper cut, and I miss my kitties. No one has suffered as much as I have on a Friday",1,en
why ireland so rich? because its capital is always dublin .,1,en
"two atoms walk into a bar threedots one atom says to the other "" i think i lost an electron . "" the other asks "" are you sure? "" the other replies "" i'm positive . """,1,en
i was pretty upset when i heard clocks get set ahead an hour threedots oh well. not worth losing sleep over it,0,en
i had my blood drawn today. the artist was very nice,0,en
Wana hear a Canadian joke? Toronto maple leafs.,0,en
"Did you hear about the new restaraunt on the moon? It's got great food, just no atmosphere..",0,en
why dont blind people go skydiving? it scares the hell out of the dog .,0,en
why was jesus great at rock climbing? he could find foot and hand holes,1,en
Educational video website Lynda. com got hacked I hope they learned their lesson,0,en
"Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.",1,en
"what does a jedi say after a tragic loss of life? "" may my thoughts be with them "" .",1,en
What were Stephen Hawkins last words Windows shutting down,0,en
What do you call someone who can't write with either hands Am amputee,1,en
waiter there's a fly in my soup! its ok sir there's no extra charge,0,en
What object is mainly used in Indian target practice? Wemen,1,en
What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant? I'm not sure but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses !,0,en
what's cold and comes in april? her dad .,0,en
"I went to see an inflatable marching band I was excited at first, but when I got there they turned out to be pretty flat....",1,en
Did you hear about Kurt Cobain's new album? He did a cover of The Wall by Pink Floyd,1,en
What as the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips.,1,en
Why did the computer freeze? It got frostbyte.,0,en
What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers? A vegetable garden,1,en
What do you call a theft by a stumbling person? A lumberjack.,1,en
Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.,1,en
"Everyone's unique! For instance, I like milk in my coffee, but other people are dying of malnutrition.",1,en
"There's going to be a Fast and Furious cameo on Walking Dead Paul, walker",0,en
What do pancakes and fish have in common They both appear to be on a woman,1,en
What would call it if all the cars in the country were pink? A pink carnation.,1,en
"my boss decided to give me some more responsibility threedots from now on, i'm responsible for everything that goes wrong threedots",0,en
"""Dad do you believe in Buddha? "" ""Why of course but I think margarine is just as good.""",0,en
Mary had a little lamb......... for dinner,1,en
How did the pirate fix the hole in his pants? He used an eyepatch,1,en
I treat my computer like I treat my new born girl. All the holes plugged. ,0,en
Any recommendations for a new chiropractor? Dr. Reece Etmabak.,1,en
What's the difference between metal and country? Country doesn't rain down on the crowd at the end of a metal show.,1,en
"Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks",0,en
"what is the difference between a teacher and a train? the teacher says , "" spit out your gum , "" but a train says , "" chew chew ! """,1,en
What do you call it when someone relies on sleep studies for a profession? a rem job,1,en
What starts with F and ends with UCK? Firetruck,0,en
did you hear about the two peanuts walking through an alley last night? one was a salted .,0,en
What do you do when a horse breaks down? Call triple neighhh!,0,en
what do a catholic priest and second place have in common? they both came in a little behind .,1,en
"french guns for sale! never fired , dropped only once .",1,en
"I was expecting ""The Last Airbender"" to be a disappointment. I was not disappointed",1,en
I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm. brace yourself,0,en
"great , itunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. just perfect",0,en
"Do you believe in abortion? Girl: Dad, do you believe in abortion? Father: Ask your sister. Girl: I don't have a sister... Father: Exactly.",1,en
i look at beautiful girls the same way i look at traffic. meaning that i'm stuck and going nowhere with them,1,en
What do you call a wheel with clothes? Attire. My brother told this to me and it gave me a chuckle.,1,en
Give a man a match. Give a man a match and he will be warm for a minute. Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.,0,en
"I can't tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.",1,en
"Sometimes I say big words, even when i don't know what they mean They make me sound photosynthesis.",1,en
"whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag .",0,en
what do you call a roman with a wet mustache and a smile? gladiator .,1,en
A lot of people had to cancel their big plans this year Especially mass shooters.,1,en
"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week Phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.",1,en
what do you call someone who reads in the sun? well red .,1,en
thank you for explaining the word ' many ' to me. it means a lot,1,en
why are rivers lazy? because they never get off their beds .,1,en
"Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.",1,en
What is a bed's least favourite time of year? Spring break.,0,en
What was the ambulance saying when they were carrying Satoru Iwata? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U,0,en
police chief : why did you tie a rope on that criminal? officer : you ordered me to get a line on the suspect .,1,en
What is Chewbaccas favorite celebrity? Wookie Goldberg,0,en
"I finally got one of these roof boxes for the car It's very practical, I can barely hear my kids now",1,en
I have a French bulldog. I guess that explains why he always tries to eat snails.,1,en
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band,1,en
"my agent told me to give it a couple years, but he'd make me an overnight success .",1,en
What's more inbred than English monarchs? Wheat.,1,en
What's the best thing about deadly snakes? They've got poisonality !,1,en
"if my ceiling fan could hold my weight, i would never be bored again .",1,en
"husband bear : honey ! i'm home ! wife bear : for god's sake, would you at least say hello before demanding dinner ?",0,en
What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.,1,en
Relationship status: binoculars,1,en
My imaginary girlfriend My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me. Still no idea how she'd found out about my wife.,1,en
What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point,1,en
What gun do you use to hunt a moose? A moosecut!,0,en
"what does past, present, and future have in common? ...... tense",1,en
what can't i find on the internet? my keys,0,en
"""Well, this isn't helpful at all. "" Termite watching ""Gettin' Wood"" on Cinemax",1,en
Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese,0,en
"god likes saturn more than he likes earth because if he had liked it, he would of put a ring on it .",1,en
"i admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but i told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around .",1,en
Why are men faster than women? Ball bearings and stick shift.,1,en
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!,1,en
What is the name of Bruce Lee's crippled brother? Broccoli,0,en
Birds can be dangerous. Do you know what's the primary risk that woodpeckers pose to women? Splinters.,1,en
apparently i can tell the future. if i want something really bad i know it won't happen,0,en
What does my brothers wife and a Chevrolet have in common? They're both extremely high maintenance,1,en
"To the girl who wore a white dress to the wedding I went to this weekend, good for you for not needing people to like you",0,en
Steve Irwin died as he lived. With nature in his heart,0,en
"Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject... Someone called out ""The Queen! "" ""Ah"", replied Wilde, ""but the Queen is not a subject.""",1,en
why did the computer cross the road? to get a byte to eat threedots,0,en
"I need constant reassurance, right?",0,en
"Jared Fogle will feel a sense of familiarity in jail. Even inside jail, he'll be enjoying fresh meat",1,en
In college I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life,1,en
What was the last thing the Linkin Park singer listened to before he hanged himself? Linkin Park,0,en
I'm gonna tell you something truthful Women's history is not out history,0,en
where are all the women in amateur astronomy? at the other end of the telescope .,1,en
what do you call a cow which can no longer produce milk? an udder failure .,1,en
"They say ""pick your battles"", so today Oreos win.",1,en
what do call it when actor charles dance tries to flirt? dance moves .,1,en
i have this theory that mcdonald's hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. that's why they're always hiring,1,en
"A frog's car broke down. It gets ""TOAD"" away",1,en
Why don't you buy sunscreen from Steve Irwin? Because it doesn't protect you from harmful rays,0,en
mother : why is there a strange baby in the crib? daughter : you told me to change the baby .,0,en
why can't you run through camp sites? you can only ran because it's past tents .,0,en
Why are there air conditioners in a hospital? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh,1,en
jesus didn't know how to close a door. he was born in a barn,0,en
Hottest fabric on ramps in Paris this season: Kevlar...,1,en
What's Whitney Houston's favorite coordination? Hand eyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee......,0,en
What was the autistic kid doing on the ground? His best. ,1,en
dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. you didn't get the job,1,en
"Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first. I hate walking into spiderwebs",0,en
life is like a box of chocolates. they're cheaper the day after valentine's day,0,en
Tramp! A trampoline used to be called a jumpoline before your mother jumped on it.,0,en
"i started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. since then , my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful",1,en
what's the difference between o and q? one had to p .,0,en
If Usain Bolt was an electrician. His name would be Usain Volt,1,en
"To me, ""drink responsibly"" means don't spill it.",1,en
have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? their making headlines !,0,en
what's the hardest part about skydiving? the ground .,1,en
"If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, ""this'll do""",1,en
did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? he was held without charge .,1,en
What is a chemist's favorite brand of shoes? Vans of der Waals,1,en
"Hey dude, can you make a pamphlet for me? For you bro? Sure.",0,en
Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is,0,en
"Did you know Captain Kirk has three ears? Left ear, right ear... and final front ear.",0,en
"i bet whenever a cow eats a lot of grass she says to her friends "" i've been eating like a cow! "" and they'd laugh and moo or whatever cows do",1,en
There aren't a lot of books in the columbine library But there sure are a lot of magazines ,0,en
Why are women hypergamous? Because only rich people can afford properties. ,1,en
What is a wife for? Punching bag,0,en
What do you call a grain knife? barleysong,1,en
What the difference between the titanic and climate change? Climate change beat the ice berg,1,en
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he's a seasoned vet,1,en
Just helped a girl give birth. OP delivered,0,en
what does a dyslexic tiger and a bus driver have in common? a bus driver can't change his stops .,1,en
Im getting tired of your Barenaked Ladies marathon. It's been one week since you looked at me,0,en
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.,0,en
"What is soft and fuzzy, and lives in a hole? My belly button lint.",0,en
Who is a bee's favourite painter? Pablo Beecasso !,0,en
I Used To Date A Girl With A Lazy Eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time,0,en
What evolves an Eevee into a ghost type A brick,1,en
What should you do if a bird poos on your car? Don't ask her out again,0,en
why are archaeologists so proud of their study? their work is always groundbreaking,1,en
Which is the best and the cheapest pet shop ? An orphanage,0,en
i feel sorry for people who sell magazines. seems like they got a lot of issues,1,en
why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? come back ! at least give me your number ! ',0,en
what's a north korean farmer's favorite time of year? breakfast .,0,en
canada got rid of the penny. it makes no cents,1,en
How are santa and michael jackson alike? They both leave little kids houses with empty sacks,1,en
First rule of flight club. no penguins,1,en
My wife's posted picture she took of me in the shower didn't go viral. Ain't no big thing,0,en
How do the elderly chat with childhood friends? A ouija board.,1,en
"if you're new to twitter from facebook , you can just reply "" like "" to all of my tweets. i'll understand",0,en
How do we know that Greek yogurt's Greek? Because it's whey strained.,1,en
How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.? With a tire gauge.,1,en
When did the Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? When he ate his first Brownie!,0,en
"Will you marry me? I guess I don't really get it, but she seemed to find it hilarious.",0,en
How many population geneticists does it take to change a light bulb? It's independent of population size.,1,en
I would rate my skill at psychic abilitys. medium,1,en
shame about the tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. he should've watched the trailer,1,en
What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks? Phil.,1,en
what currency does the sun use? starbucks,0,en
Janet: What's the difference between a cake and a school bus? Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake !,0,en
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn't have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me,1,en
what's the worst thing to come across while browsing the internet? your keyboard .,0,en
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!,0,en
"My friend had all of his guitars stolen, and he's real sad about it. Can't even play the blues anymore",1,en
What was Icarus's favorite food? Hot wings!,0,en
are you going to take a bath? no i'm leaving it where it is .,0,en
"I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.",1,en
"my friend asked me , what rhymes with reddit? i said : no it doesn't",1,en
"remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship .",0,en
why is mike pence magic? he can turn fruits to vegetables,0,en
what has two thumbs and got laid last night? my hands .,0,en
"If evolution is true, why do monkeys still exist? Because human want to watch NBA games",1,en
What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus...,0,en
What do you call a kid from Connecticut with no friends? A Sandy hook survivor,1,en
Walmart Cashier: Have you found what you were looking for? Bono: .... no,0,en
"what's great when you're at work , and terrible when you're in bed? getting off early",0,en
Did you ever hear the joke about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods? No? How about the one who dumped his girlfriend?,1,en
can anyone remember? what was the name of the big bird in sesame street,0,en
What do you call a kid with one leg and one eye? Names.,1,en
what's better than a laxative? reddit .,0,en
"He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.",0,en
What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra? Tuskanini.,1,en
"Just sold my pitbull, the buyer asked if it liked kids I said yes but dog food is cheaper",1,en
Last night I wanted to figure out what my Christmas present was so I repeatedly shook it. This morning I found out it WAS a kitten.,1,en
"Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.",0,en
did you hear the one about the easter bunny who sat on a bee? it's a tender tail !,0,en
What's worse than stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night? A landmine.,0,en
q . what do clouds do when they become rich? a . they make it rain !,0,en
"would you like to hear a joke about dried grapes? it's not that good , don't go raisin your expectations .",0,en
"i asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday . she said, "" nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings . "" so i got her nothing .",1,en
What makes the ocean roar? You'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom,0,en
I had to check my printer because I thought I heard music coming from it. It was the paper jamming,1,en
I like my puppies like I like my cake. baked,0,en
"lpt: a lot of people cry when they chop onions , the trick is not to form an emotional bond .",1,en
i don't agree with all the critics towards priests nowadays. they are actually the only ones who slow down with their car when near a school,1,en
That was a very emotional wedding... Even the cake was in tiers.,0,en
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesawus,0,en
Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar.,1,en
"I'm no computer expert, but spreadsheets are really where I Excel",1,en
where can you find a turtle that has no legs? exactly where you left it .,0,en
What's the difference between my hamster and a Chinese takeaway The takeaway didn't explode when I put it in the microwave,1,en
"One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.",1,en
"my friend drowned , and at the funeral , we got him flowers in the shape of a life vest. it's what he would have wanted",1,en
What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men? A pastryarchy.,1,en
Rest in peace to boiling water You will be mist,0,en
"Chemistry, either you've got it or you don't.",1,en
"i went on a tour of a soap factory last week. i forgot which one it was , but i'm sure it will dawn on me",1,en
Why is it so hard to find Thor's brother? Because he stays low key,0,en
why don't shrimp give anything to charity? because they're shellfish .,0,en
how do you tell a rabbit from a gorilla? a rabbit doesn't look like a gorilla .,1,en
Beyonce was Destiny's Child. The other two were adopted,1,en
"i remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for santa to come threedots then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left .",0,en
"if you watch jaws backwards threedots its about a shark that throws up so many people, they have to open a beach",0,en
Why shouldyou not live in a house without stairs? Accidental pregnancy ,0,en
How do you pick up my ex girlfriend? With a broom and a dustpan.,0,en
"teacher : "" what is the most common phrase used in school? "" pupil : "" i don't know threedots "" teacher : "" correct ! """,1,en
"I figured doing ten crunches a day would help flatten my gut. But on the third day, I got tired of those chocolate bars.",1,en
why do so few men end up in heaven? they never stop to ask directions .,1,en
I saw this homeless women on the street and asked her if I could take her home She said yes and was surprised when I took her cardboard,1,en
"which is heavier , a coin or a ship? obviously the coin , the coin sinks !",0,en
"there are plenty of fish in the sea threedots threedots but until i catch one, i'm just stuck here holding my rod .",0,en
"Apart from the name, what similarities do pencil rubbers and rubber johnnys share? They both erase mistakes.",1,en
"Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind every successful woman may be many men.",0,en
"A woman saw me at a condom machine the other day... She said ""you're optimistic"" Then I said ""no, I'm just stronger than you."" ",1,en
Who wrote the book The Russian Milkman? Ipul Titsky,1,en
"boss : you're late me : sorry , my clock was set to australian time boss : that would make today saturday me : you're right. i'll go home",0,en
"fun thing to do: before leaving someone's house , ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "" to go """,1,en
What do you call a stack of cats. A Meowuntian,1,en
why was the corn farmer paranoid? because the field has ears .,1,en
Every day Sunny Leone creates history. Then we have to go to Settings and delete that History,0,en
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. That rose's name? Albert Einstein.,0,en
"guys , if you forget your girl's birthday , just look into her eyes and say , "" i love you. "" then run , because that is not going to help",1,en
"why the letter "" g "" is scary? in one fine evening it can turn your host into . . . ghost .",1,en
What do you call a dog that doesn't eat meat? A vegiterrier!,1,en
Stevie Wonder is a genius! He has such an eye for detail,1,en
i don't get how people still get attacked by sharks. don't they hear the music ?,1,en
"Did you hear about that pirate movie? It's rated ""Arrrrrrrr!""",0,en
Have you heard of the Tempura House? It's a shelter for lightly battered women.,1,en
what did the zombie say when he walked into the wrong tomb? i have made a grave mistake .,0,en
I asked my dad what the deadliest weapon known to man is. He said 'you came out of it',1,en
What does a pirate drink for breakfast? Arrrrange juice.,0,en
"how do you know you put the right joke in the right thread? don't worry , someone will tell you .",0,en
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.,0,en
What did the unimpressed wind turbine say? I'm not a fan.,1,en
Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.,0,en
Marridge is like a pack of cards It starts with a heart and a diamond But ends with a club and a spade,1,en
did you hear the joke about ebola? threedots well you're probably not going to get it .,0,en
Guys i have something to say stop hating on the mods. i came here to look at dark jokes,1,en
"My girlfriend always wanted to be on TV... I finally got her a spot on Forensic Files as ""Victim""",1,en
"Any phrase can be banalized,by adding ""if you know what I mean"" at the end. EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean",1,en
What do you call a man with a top hat and cane that falls down the stairs? An ambulance,1,en
I've just written a book about falling down a staircase. It's a step by step guide,0,en
What's a priest's favorite musical scale? A minor,1,en
Hmmph! I've been trapped at my desk at work plenty of times and no one ever comes to rescue me.,0,en
what do prisoners used to talk to each other in jail? cell phones .,1,en
how did jesus get to the other side of the street? he used the cross walk .,1,en
what kind of operating system do horses use? none . horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter .,1,en
Do you know how I make my bread? My wife's yeast infection.,1,en
What is the sheeps favorite movie? Baaaaaack to the future,0,en
They were having a sale at the hospital for vasectomies. It was a package deal,1,en
what ' the bare minimum? one bear,1,en
what's the difference between dog food and a hot dog? i have no idea threedots,0,en
A little exercise never hurt anyone. Exept for the people in the Boston Marathon.,0,en
"yes , i read quantum physics. but only for the particles",1,en
""" darling , can i go out in this dress? "" "" yes dear , it's already dark out . """,0,en
"i never make mistakes, i thought i did once threedots but i was wrong .",0,en
"don't be sad , laundry. nobody's doing me either",0,en
My friend told me he wanted to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear,1,en
what do married people do for fun? get divorced .,1,en
Since instagram is down I'm not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.,1,en
"The only things that defy gravity are women... ...the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.",1,en
why is the network engineer sad? because his career is in bits .,1,en
"Why are there so many Mike Tysons on my news feed today...? ""May the forth be with you""",0,en
i'm starving. i haven't eaten all year,0,en
How come computers are soo smart? It is because they listen to their motherboard.,1,en
"if a man says something in the forest, and no women hear him is he still wrong ?",1,en
How does Harry Potter perform an abortion? Fetus deletus abortion completus,1,en
q : how is a marriage like a hot bath? a : once you get used to it it's not so hot .,0,en
my husband wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression. i had to put my foot down,1,en
"Guys, never Google ""Kekma.net"" Worst mistake of my life .",0,en
I used to wonder how the Titanic could go full steam into an area known for icebergs. Now that I work in an office the answer is obvious,1,en
"Someday, my prince will come. I hope it's soon, my arm's tired",0,en
Who is Patrick Swayze's favorite author? Wodehouse!,0,en
"If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.",0,en
how many protesters does it take to change a light bulb? trick question . protesters never change anything .,1,en
Whats one problem you can run from? Obesity,0,en
"If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it... ...and I'll be the colonel.",1,en
WHY WAS THE BROOM LATE FOR WORK? BECAUSE IT OVERSWEPT.,0,en
"my wife said yesterday threedots that i don't listen to her threedots i said: ok , sounds good",0,en
"When Snoop Dogg fries bacon, he listens closely... ... fo' sizzle.",1,en
What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper!,1,en
Why is there no winner to the most depressed person competition? All the players took the easy way out.,0,en
ive been thinking of going too Australia Heard its really lit atm,0,en
What do you call a court justice skilled in martial arts? Judge Judo!,1,en
"I don't always eat breakfast... But when I do, I prefer ""dos eggies.""",1,en
When does a Smurf pull his pants down? Once in a blue moon.,1,en
"Learn the lessons taught by Jimmy Snuka and Chris Benoit If you're a woman named Nancy, do not get involved in professional wrestling.",0,en
what did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? we're both lawyers .,1,en
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.,0,en
what's long and hard? the sock under my bed .,0,en
what does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders? the prostate exam isn't going he way you expected,1,en
"Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra. After three days of excruciating pain, the cobra died",1,en
"Today, I confessed to my wife that I burnt a turtle alive. She told me ""good, It's the mods next...""",1,en
How do you climb a triangle? By scalene it,0,en
"working at the office the other day and a lady came up to me and asked for a hole punch, didn't know she knew about my signature move .",1,en
"Iguana. tap it, but I have a reptile dysfunction",0,en
What do you call a duck that likes to steal? A Robber Ducky!,1,en
you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? they each got six months,0,en
"I bumped into Brad Pitt the other day They say you shouldn't meet your heroes, but I think Brad handled it really well.",0,en
The hardest part about a sex change operation Is trying to make cheese taste like fish.,1,en
What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin? Flatman and Ribbon !,0,en
Why did the pirate become a tenor? Because he has a lot of experience on the high C.,1,en
why do skeletons not go to the disco? because they got no body to dance with !,1,en
When I search Canadian cats in Google. It just gives me a bunch of lynx,1,en
what do you call an elf that sings? a wrapper .,1,en
"When someone stands next to me at the urinals, I can't pee because I'm nervous they'll see the kitten I keep in my pants.",1,en
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? There's really no sure way to know.,1,en
what is the difference between princess diana and tiger woods? one of them has a good driver .,0,en
how did the bananas get away from the cops? they split up .,1,en
how many people does it take to tell a joke on reddit? two . one to post the joke and one to post a better punchline in the comments .,0,en
when i'm in a good mood i act like i'm i'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. neat huh !,0,en
"The greater the amount of people who protest the quarantine, The lesser the amount of people who dislike the quarantine.",1,en
"If by ""unload the dishwasher"" you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.",1,en
""" let there be me. "" god , just before he created himself out of nothing",0,en
"i've never been put in the "" friend "" zone, but i have been put in the "" please don't tell my friend's "" zone .",1,en
"After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired. Adios, amigo",1,en
What do you call a charming tool? A rake,1,en
"Why do hippies like to swim way offshore? Cause it's far out, man",0,en
As I get older I started to think about all the people I have lost in my life.... I wish I could remember where I left them,0,en
Nobody ever explained similes to me; I honestly cannot tell you what it has been like.,1,en
"My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.",0,en
Why is there no such thing as an epileptic exhibitionist? Because flashing gives them seizures.,1,en
I've only ever been wrong once. And that was one time last year when I thought that I was wrong but I wasn't,0,en
baby drink q : how do you make a baby drink? a : stick it in the blender .,0,en
i removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster. but it just made it more sluggish,1,en
I don't understand the point of gender neutral bathrooms I mean there's already the disabled bathrooms,1,en
"I illegally download music, but only Metallica. They seem to be pretty cool about it",1,en
what's the easiest way to get off an elephant? i don't know but you should buy it dinner first !,0,en
"everyone told me to follow the dreams so, i went back to bed",1,en
"sometimes i feel bad because when i don't have anything funny to post, then i remember i'm not in the entertainment business .",1,en
"accidentally swallowed some food coloring. i'm ok , but i feel like i've dyed a little inside",0,en
"i just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident . i feel so bad . someone's just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is .",1,en
What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet? There's Noel.,0,en
SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren't home,0,en
"Any fans here of the music group ""Lead Wedding Ring""? They're my favorite heavy metal band",1,en
What do you call a Vulcan philosopher who only responds in questions? Spocrates.,1,en
what's a woman's best curve? her smile .,0,en
q : how do you catch a unique rabbit? a : unique up on him .,0,en
what do they say in vegetable church? lettuce pray .,1,en
What do you call a tiger which falls in love with deer.. .. a preydater.,1,en
what do you get if you are telling puns while jogging? a running joke .,1,en
what's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend? it's a dead letter day .,0,en
When a bull wants to listen to a cassette what does he put on his head? Steer phones!,0,en
"what shampoo did paul walker use? head and shoulders , they were on the dashboard",1,en
Why French Fighter jet are name phantom? Because they don't exist.,1,en
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly? A cannibble.,1,en
"I don't have bad posture, my body's just sad.",1,en
What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Fang Tango.,1,en
Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket? Because the label said General Foods.,1,en
"watch out for black ice i rode a bike over some black ice. i slipped and fell off , and when i looked up , my bike was gone",1,en
do you know why the little mermaid wears seashells? because a and b shells were too small,1,en
what does a burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common? someone that didn't take it out in time .,1,en
why should you not throw stones at a knight? because heavy metal is harder than rock .,1,en
"Once the rescue is completed in Thailand, will they close off the cave ... Or, will they already consider it sealed?",0,en
"When I was younger, I always heard of people getting robbed at gunpoint. If there's been so many robberies, why do people keep going to gunpoint?",1,en
"What if Lady Gaga was half Irish, half Japanese? Rady O'Gaga",1,en
just like to give a shout out to the guy who plays triangle in our orchestra. thanks for every ting,0,en
"I was told if I got robbed when I was camping, it would invalidate my insurance. They said if my tent gets stolen, I'll no longer be covered",1,en
"i bought my friend an elephant for their room . they said "" thanks! "" i said "" don't mention it . """,1,en
"""no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!"" she said. ""IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO""",0,en
"With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they're all deductible",1,en
I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people. Luckily there wasn't a single person in it,1,en
"Banana Oh, no there isn't a joke here. I just thought if I said ""Banana"" it would sound apeeling",1,en
"kid : daddy can i give some of my candy to that duck? me : no , ducks only eat things they find in nature , like bread .",0,en
what did the buffalo say to his son before he went to college? bison .,1,en
what is the difference between kobe and jimmy saville ? jimmy had more than one kid go down on his choppa,0,en
One I made up..... What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle? A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.,1,en
Who was the most well rounded knight at King Arthur's round table? Circumference,0,en
"i was sad because i had no shoes , until i met a man who had no feet. so i said , "" got any shoes you're not using ?",1,en
What do you call a french soul singer? Beret White,1,en
"Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing ""The Lion Sleeps Tonight."" Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.",0,en
"i went to buy a christmas tree . the guy said , "" are you gonna put it up yourself? "" i said , "" no , i was thinking the living room . """,1,en
Why does the sun set at night? The moon scares the daylights out of it!,0,en
"After a dinner party ...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty. I said no, I believe she showered before dinner.",1,en
My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone,1,en
What do rabbis call the leftovers of a circumcision? Debris.,1,en
a joke i made up in middle school why did dairy queen get pregnant? because burger king forgot to wrap his whopper !,1,en
i should marry a storm trooper. they will always miss me,0,en
What is the speciality of Alan Turing? He was homogeneous,1,en
"""How come you're only watering half your lawn? "" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident. ""I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain.""",1,en
"sometimes jesus appears on toast , sometimes pancakes , sometimes waffles . always on breakfast food . why? it's the most important meal .",1,en
I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless,0,en
How do you get four women to sit on one chair? You flip it upside down.,0,en
"so , this guy comes home to find his house was broken into and someone stole all his lamps. he was delighted",0,en
Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No we just let them go barefoot.,1,en
What do you call a down syndromes kid? Robert Downies Jr,1,en
"Joseph and Mary are having a romp in the hay. Mary says, ""what if I get pregnant, what will I tell them? "" Joseph replies, ""you will think of something.""",1,en
"dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. for example , russian women do not contain smaller russian women inside them",1,en
"A locksmith from the south of France named Guy just escaped uninfected from Iran, the new center of the coronavirus What a Le Key Guy",1,en
it was a terrible summer for humpty dumpty. but he had a great fall,0,en
What does a complicated joke and a guy in a high speed motorcycle accident have in common? They both fly way over your head,1,en
why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple? because he couldn't get a date !,0,en
Came into school with my feild trip paper not signed So I jsut told them my dad signed it.,0,en
"Did you guys see the lunar eclipse the other night? I missed it, the earth was in the way.",0,en
"if a psychic goes to the bathroom in the forest , does he make a sound? no , because the "" p "" is silent .",1,en
What do you call an aligator that likes to wear vests when no one else is around? A private investigator.,1,en
Nobody is born cool Except still births because they are born dead and their body temperature is already low.,1,en
why do french people eat snails? they don't like fast food .,1,en
"Things men would rather do than work to raise testicular cancer awareness: eat a sandwich, watch sports, fight, die of testicular cancer.",1,en
"When my doctor gives me a prostate exam I like to moan ""Mmmm, deeper. "" Freaks him out, but not as much as when I try to cuddle afterward",1,en
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes,1,en
Q: Why did the girl spray her clock? A: It was full of ticks.,0,en
Whats a cab drivers favorite song? Livin' on a fare!,0,en
"instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you .",1,en
what side of a monster has more hair? the outside !,0,en
What do you call an IT prof. who flirts with his students? A PDF file,1,en
won a time machine on ebay. disappointed when i received a clock,0,en
did you hear about the french olympic race walker who pooped his pants mid race? at least he didn't oui in them too .,1,en
You have the face of a saint. Which one? Saint Bernard.,0,en
what kind of phone makes music? a saxophone .,0,en
"overheard this at grand canyon . "" why do they put chicken wire around these plants? other guy : "" to protect the chicken plants """,1,en
what did one autumn leaf say to another? i'm falling for you .,0,en
"I was considering posting a joke that nobody had heard of, but I realized that it is actually pretty likely that... ...you already have reddit.",0,en
What's a camel's favourite song? Bat Out of Camell,0,en
"I'm in Southern Texas ... ... and it's so hot here, the trees are fighting over the dogs.",0,en
why is perfume so cheap? because its only worth one scent !,0,en
why dont bicycles pedal backwards? because than it would be recycling,0,en
"FRIEND: get our wedding invitation? ME: i did, somebody hand wrote 'do not bring pan flute' F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that",0,en
How did the hairdresser escape? John Frieda.,0,en
"my boyfriend thinks i'm not funny. whatever , at least i'm a real person",1,en
want to buy a pocket computer? no thanks i already know how many pockets i've got .,0,en
What is the best food to eat after a circumcision? Brissket,0,en
Did you hear about Han's new band? It's not as good as his solo stuff.,1,en
"I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot. In other news, I might not know what bilingual means",1,en
"Today I have gone in a date, I got engaged, got a dog, moved into a new house, got pregnant, and got married. I love sims",0,en
What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it? HOOO did that!,0,en
I went into the changing room in a clothing store several times. But it stayed the same,1,en
there were four cats in a boat one jumped out . how many were left? none . they were all copy cats !,0,en
Did you hear about the baby born with a broken arm? He was trying to hang on until after the wedding.,1,en
what does my finger and lemon pie have in common? they both have my rang on them .,1,en
I couldn't remember if the sun rose in the east or the west and then it dawned on me,0,en
What do you call a legend of Zelda fan theory? Head Ganon,0,en
What would Gregor Mendel pray for if he had a blender for his experiments? Whirled Peas,1,en
what do you call someone with a successful life? certainly not me .,1,en
"I asked the caveman if he wanted to play poker He said: ""Deal, me in!""",1,en
new headphones model about to hit stores. its called beats by chris brown,1,en
"If you walk around in knight's armor long enough, people will just get used to it.",0,en
"dear k "" , thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. sincerely , got nothing to say",0,en
What was Paul Walker's last Blockbuster hit? A Tree,0,en
I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?,1,en
"a shepherd was looking for a sheep that ran away forget it, you've already herd this one .",0,en
"What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill? Walking...JK, Rolling!",0,en
question : what do you get from a bee that has an udder? answer : milk and honey .,1,en
What's Mr. Skeltal's favorite candy? Dootsie rolls.,0,en
"When our solar system was formed, the Sun was in charge. So the planets started a revolution",1,en
If I got karma for posts. I'd still have no karma,0,en
"a leper gave me the finger the other day i was upset, but i still did the right thing and gave it back",1,en
i kissed a grill once. it was pretty hot,0,en
Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless,0,en
Does anyone want to be friend? Asking for a friend.,1,en
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out? I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.,1,en
What do you call a chicken haunting your house? A Poultrygeist!,1,en
Two pretzels were walking down an alley. One was a salted.,1,en
Helen Keler walked into a bar then a table. then a chair,1,en
"You're Like The End Of The Bread. Everybody touches you, but nobody wants you",0,en
If you ever meet a girl named stone. Don't take her for granite,0,en
"I want a firsthand test of the ""mo money, mo problems"" hypothesis.",1,en
"you know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people .",0,en
what does it taste like to go down on a little old lady? depends,0,en
I wish I could Google search. Who likes me,0,en
what's red and orange and looks good on hipsters? fire .,0,en
Why does LeBron James wear high socks? His Cavs can't handle the Heat,1,en
I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!,0,en
"when you think about it , steve irwin died the same way he lived his life. with animals in his heart",0,en
"Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas? I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.",1,en
What's John Lennon's favorite card game? Yoko Uno,0,en
TIL that women have a second stomach for dessert. It's called the uterus,1,en
What did the author say when he added a chapter about flour to a story about soup? The plot thickens!,1,en
"advice for guys when a girl says you that you're going to far, she actually means you are coming to close .",1,en
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn,0,en
What's the best part about babies learning to crawl? They're already in the right position.,1,en
How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.,1,en
I just saw Avatar and I've got one thing to say: Blue Man Group ROCKED!,0,en
"my wife said i'd look good in a beard, i wasn't sure threedots but it grew on me !",0,en
Im the oxford Dictionary in the streets And the urban dictionary in the sheet,0,en
what do your mother and the ground have in common? they are always full of seed .,1,en
did you hear about the mechanic who dreamed of being a plumber? it was all a pipe dream .,0,en
"which is faster to unload , a truckload of bricks or a truckload of dead kittens? dead kittens . can't get a pitchfork into the bricks .",0,en
I once dated a homeless girl. splitting the bill wasn't always easy but at least after our date I could drop her off anywhere,1,en
"Ah Twitter, never have so many said so much that mattered so little to so few.",0,en
"choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job .",0,en
One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.,1,en
The best part about being depressed is that I save a lot of money on groceries.,1,en
What do Caitlyn Jenner and my Chrysler have in common? They're both convertables.,1,en
"I bought an old used car, and I think it is from RE:ZERO It is a Subaru that keeps dying all the time...",0,en
I like my women how I like my haircut. high and tight,0,en
What's the difference between a Pikachu and a fetus? The Pikachu evolved ,1,en
What do mothers who've died in child birth and iPhones have in common? They die when the next model is out.,1,en
A Grek and an Italian go into a restaurant Who pays? The German. Haha,0,en
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently,1,en
What's the difference between my gun and sushi? I don't really wanna eat sushi right now.,1,en
why don't we ever go ' forth and back '? to go forth and multiply is more fun .,0,en
"You Must Have A High Ohm Rating Because the more voltage I put in you, the hotter you get.",0,en
Why do men want to marry a virgin? To avoid criticism and comparison.,1,en
why did the farmer name his pig ink? because he kept running out of the pen threedots,0,en
"what did one doctor say to the other doctor? "" we're both doctors """,1,en
Who will you hire ? If women do the same work as men for less money. Why do companies still hire men? Because they want the job done.,1,en
How do you call an mass brawl in a kz? Star Wars ,1,en
what did one wall say to the other? meet me in the corner !,0,en
seagull joke q : what do you call a seagull that knows martial arts? a : steven seagull,0,en
you want to know who never gets checked for their id? humidity .,0,en
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!,0,en
"Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, ""Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system."" Oh boy!",0,en
Did you hear about the guy who eating crackers in bed? He felt crumby the next day.,0,en
I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning. Turns out it was just a tissue,0,en
"As a child, I was forced to walk the plank...  We couldn't afford a dog...",0,en
"you laugh at the burrito in my purse, until you get hungry .",0,en
What's the easiest thing to lift with a forklift? A palette.,1,en
"Oh my god, hotels. Relax. My stay was fine.",0,en
stop calling yourself hot. the only thing you turn on is a microwave,0,en
"A rancher runs up to a cowboy... Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose? Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...",1,en
"I tried to make a Pupper look sad by putting it into a blender. Didn't work, I only saw it waging it's tail.",1,en
why is it so hard to pull over on the pirate highway? because there's a parrot on the shoulder .,0,en
"If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday. First time posting, please be gentle.",0,en
donuts: the sweatpants you can eat .,0,en
"My son believes he was born in the wrong body. Well, he's right to an extent. His mother certainly doesn't have the right body.",1,en
Why I'm leaving Reddit. I have to go to the gas station to pick up some munchies,0,en
what do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? a cow that can milk itself !,0,en
spoiler alert: rice cakes do not contain any actual cake .,1,en
"bison dad : good bye , son. bison son : thank you , dad",0,en
What do you call the mean and dusty winds of the desert? Darude Sandstorm,0,en
I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back,0,en
"Genie: What's your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.",0,en
how do you know if your friend has an iphone? they tell you .,0,en
I like my women like how I like my chords A flat minor,1,en
What do you call a Japanese barbecue? Hiroshima,1,en
"I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case",1,en
"My grandpa always said, it's good to meet a girl in the park. But it's better to park your meat in a girl",0,en
"Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common? 'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.",1,en
"According to the manual, I can have an extra ten Weight Watchers Points if I start breast feeding.",1,en
i'm not flirting. i'm just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive,0,en
"what did the guy with a neckbeard say when he had to mail something twice? "" repost ! """,0,en
What's the difference Between the bottle and a baby ? One will be still useful after dropping them from a building.,1,en
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer? nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.,0,en
when i'm feeling down. i just remind myself that i've won just as many oscars as leonardo dicaprio,1,en
Do you know why will this joke melt? Because it will be in the hot section...,0,en
"Turns out friday prayers were answered after all. Not theirs, obviously.",1,en
What happened when a heart robs a bank? It gets put under cardiac arrest.,0,en
i've just joined a jamaican jazz band as a triangle player. i just stand at the back and ting,1,en
Boyfriend asked me to put a few planks of wood together. Nailed it,1,en
"A man walks into an Australian pet store, He asks the bloke behind the counter ""where do you keep the kangaroos mate? "" The bloke replies, ""outback.""",1,en
What is a cat's favorite color? Purrple,0,en
I'm friends with a statue. He's really a gneiss guy,1,en
"i always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when i do that .",1,en
i think i have procrastination disease. i'll go to the doctor later,1,en
what's the difference between an elevator and a redditor? an elevator has a gf,1,en
"After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn't stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we'd all be a lot skinnier",1,en
Q: What is the last thing a tossed salad says to itself before being devoured by a human? A: Lettuce pray,0,en
"I decided to name my dog sydrome So when it jumps up on visitors, I can point towards them and yell ""down syndrome""",1,en
"sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair , i sneak up , shake the chair hard , yelling , "" earthquake! "" sadly , like many , she's not prepared",1,en
Actor who had starred in almost every movie. Also Starring,1,en
"have you heard about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison last week? you should see the headlines : "" small medium at large """,1,en
what do the dolphins and the post office have in common? neither deliver on sundays .,1,en
"With medical advances over the Summer, it's expected that Oscar Pistorious will walk this August.",1,en
"my hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel threedots",0,en
What do you call an orange thats been in the sun too long? tangerine,1,en
what do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal? a doctor .,1,en
If a stork is the bird that brings the babies what bird takes them away? The swallow,1,en
i just found out five people i went to high school with are dead. what's taking the rest of them so long ?,0,en
I'm thinking of writing a Mystery novel. or am I,1,en
"My teacher told me my drawing was pretty good, I told her I know. My mom always told me I was borderline artistic",1,en
"So, I picked up that new Tekken game and it wasn't challenging at all. Tekken is too easy, but that's the way it is",1,en
I'm a freshman taking geometry. I can't wait to learn how to tie a hypotenoose,1,en
What saved the Ethiopian child from dying of starvation? Cancer,1,en
"last year , i went to study abroad and i am not happy about it! this year , my girlfriend is going to study a dude .",0,en
"Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.",0,en
My friend left his job at a nut factory. Cause they paid him peanuts,0,en
what do you call a potato from colorado? a baked potato,1,en
I wanted to throw an earth day party. But I forgot to planet,0,en
what's worse than having spiders on your piano? having crabs on your organ .,1,en
I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week. He never called me back,1,en
How much calcium is in a kiss? Enough to make a bone hard.,0,en
"i like to think of myself as a humble man. actually , i just like to think of myself",1,en
Why did the PETA member crash his car? He loved vegetables so much he wanted to become one.,0,en
q : what do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? a : branch manager .,0,en
"i asked a meteorologist whether or not it would rain. he said , "" i don't know its up in the air """,1,en
did you hear about the freak birth at chernobil? a baby was born with more eyes than teeth,0,en
how does super mario contact the dead? he uses a luigi board .,1,en
why was the hipster wearing a sweater in july? because he was cold before it was cool .,1,en
What's the one thing similar between Megumin from Konosuba and Muslims? They both love explosions.,1,en
What do you call a vegan in a wheelchair? A healthy salad.,1,en
A musician walks into a bar and notices a coda seated at the end. A musician walks into a bar.,1,en
I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.,0,en
I've been on reddit so much I'm gravely ill now. I think I caught a computer virus,0,en
Why did the Computer Engineer retire young? He had a lot of cache.,1,en
Have you heard of the American Philosophical Association? I'm not sure if it exists or not and neither are they.,1,en
. no shoes no shirt no problem welcome to walmart,0,en
"Life is like my sister, and i want to ride it all night long.",0,en
What do you do if you're lost in an Icelandic forest? Stand up!,0,en
Q: How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself? A: Acupuncture.,0,en
"""I had many girlfriends and I still know the name of all of them"" And my friend replies ""Well if you still know every name, you didn't have that many""",1,en
Why did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.,1,en
"if you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working .",1,en
"I'm always trying to make jokes at my work place. But in a graveyard, everyone is dead serious",1,en
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler.,1,en
Why did the virus get a ticket? Because he was driving under the influenza......,1,en
"A man is driving through the US border The customs officer asks him ""Are these your kids?"" the man replies ""Yes, but not the ones in the trunk!""",1,en
"History jokes are funny,right The US backwards is the Soviet Union",1,en
"There is three rings in marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering",1,en
What do you call the sequel to Straight Outta Compton about Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg? The Next Episode,1,en
i just got a great deal on some real estate in california. it was a fire sale !,0,en
what does godzilla do part time when he's not destroying cities? he flips houses,1,en
"Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress. All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he's done",1,en
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet,1,en
"when life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia ?",0,en
"i finally figured out why your sister is not a ballet dancer threedots because every time she does a split, she sticks to the floor .",0,en
What do you get when a girl with clap goes to a gang bang Applause,1,en
What's the Difference between Miiverse and a child with cancer? at least Miiverse saw his death coming.,0,en
My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots. The burger was dry but the fries were decent,1,en
What's the best thing that came out of Auschwitz? An empty train,1,en
"i tried to fix my shovel today, but i just couldn't handle it .",1,en
How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate?  None.,1,en
There is an old Jewish saying: Everything is relative... ...even the soap.,1,en
want to hear a clean joke ? henry took a bath with bubbles. want to hear a dirty joke ? bubbles was a man,0,en
What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being disabled,1,en
Why was Sir Isaac Newton buried at Westminster Abbey? Because he was dead.,0,en
"when i said i got a little action last night, i was referring to bed bugs .",1,en
what do you call a fallen tree in a forest? natural log . sorry about the math joke .,1,en
What's the difference between a guitar and an elevator? I didn't expose myself inside a guitar this morning.,1,en
The best way to eat Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.,1,en
"welcome to college! here's a list of our majors . here's a list of majors that lead to unemployment . as you can see , both lists are the same .",1,en
When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws,1,en
"Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say ""No"".",0,en
"what did one snowman say to the other snowman? have an ice day . it's a bad one , i know .",1,en
So I was petting a duckling the other day. you could say I was feeling a little down,0,en
"How did Warren Buffets company survive the economic meltdown? It's a trade secret, but don't worry, Berkshire Hathaway",0,en
"A scientist tried to recreate the Chernobyl disaster using only transparent gases It was a new, clear reaction.",1,en
"What's the difference between women and apodals? Nothing, since neither of them have rights.",1,en
"you remember when you were a kid , you had tons of fun blowing bubbles in the bathtub? i saw bubbles the other day , he told me to say "" hi ! "" .",0,en
Bad news for agraphobics... ...a cure is just around the corner!,0,en
Hans Zimmer was inspired by one composer in particular when writing the Inception soundtrack. Brahms,1,en
I have a plan to fix this sub We make a new sub I'm on mobile so I can't do it this will get locked so direct message me about it we can do it!,0,en
"i'm not religious, but i love god .",0,en
Why did the sandwich shop sound terrible? It was out of tuna...,0,en
What did the management consultant think of his job? It was the Bain of his existence.,1,en
If Amy Poehler was a cold front. She'd be the Poehler Vortex,0,en
how do you make a sea lion? you remove an electron from a seal !,0,en
"you can't run from your problems forever. eventually , you'll have to take a car or a plane",0,en
What goes in big and hard and comes out soft and soggy? Bubble gum.,0,en
Only Jim Carry could have played the mask perfectly because Jim carrys the Mask.,0,en
i told my grandpa an alzheimer's joke. it was so funny he forgot to laugh,0,en
What do Germans say when you show them a meme? Danke.,1,en
What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg? Balan Singh.,1,en
twitter: where strangers will explain your joke back to you .,0,en
Q: what did Norman Bates say... when the waitress asked him what kind of toast he wanted? A: wheat! wheat! wheat! wheat! wheat!...,0,en
what does leia say when she needs help? i think i could use a han here .,0,en
what happened when the chicken ate cement? she laid a sidewalk !,0,en
"here's a handy trick. when people are talking to you , nod and think about other stuff",0,en
teacher : what's a robin? fred : a bird that steals ma'am .,0,en
what did mike tyson ask the really tired norse god? are you thor,1,en
"""Hey mom, why does it smell like dead people in here...?"" ""....mom? Mom? ...... Mooooooooooommmmm!!!!!""",0,en
What do a playmobile electric car and Prince Andrew have in common? They get turned on by little kids.,1,en
I was reading about two ships that collided at sea. One was carrying red paint and the other blue paint and all the sailors were marooned,0,en
"Did you know good things come in small packages? Well, Priests are good things and children are small packages.",1,en
"How do you tell the difference between a musician and a pedo The musician plays the fiddle, the pedo fiddles the musician.",1,en
"in the first jurassic park movie , the tyrannosaurus rex wasn't chasing the jeep. chuck norris was chasing the tyrannosaurus and the jeep",1,en
"my teacher took off points when i spilled my juice on my calculus homework threedots threedots apparently, i shouldn't drink and derive .",1,en
"Different Language Speakers, What are some jokes that are funny in other languages that don't translate well to English?",1,en
But let's get real here guys I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.,1,en
"i have four problems in life threedots threedots counting, remembering and counting .",0,en
GUY: I wish girls liked comics. GIRL: I love comics. GUY: Oh really? Then what's the Hulk's favorite flavor ice cream,1,en
What's the fastest game in the world? Pass the Parcel in a Belfast Pub.,0,en
doctor doctor i think i'm suffering from deja vu! didn't i see you yesterday ?,0,en
Sea World announced they're not going to breed Orcas in captivity anymore. So now the only whales you'll see in a theme park are the American women,1,en
"What's worse than a bee sting, two bee stings, what's worse than two bee stings, the holocaust, what's worse the the holocaust Theee bee stings",0,en
why were all the computers in the company frozen? because they let it go,1,en
Why didn't the bunny get the job as a marsupial? He wasn't koalafied!,0,en
"the japanese have two words for dog one is as a pet, the other is as a meal",1,en
what can santa give away and still keep? a cold .,0,en
What do you call a sinking ship full of condiments? Sinko de Mayo,1,en
"Coffee. If you're British, it may not be your cup of tea",1,en
"Orange, red, green, yellow, black, blue Every color is beautiful. Except white, don't allow that one to comment pls thank",0,en
i'm not really a fan of apple products. mostly because i'm a bigger fan of not being broke,1,en
"Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work",1,en
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back,0,en
Imagine losing hide and seek Anne Frank must be bad at the game then.,0,en
I broke my new ukelele the other day. but I didn't fret it,0,en
Q: What's the best language to describe the hectic holiday shopping season? A: Russian,0,en
"if op was a pizza delivery driver , how much would he make? nothing because op never delivers .",0,en
What did Optimus Prime say to Arcee? Have you ever blown a Transformer,0,en
my uncle invented this one today . what is the best part of a dog eating peanut butter? he has no hands to pick the pubes out .,1,en
"anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, i think mine is broken .",0,en
"Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.",1,en
"Why do elephants where pink shoes? To hide in the grass. Have you ever seen an elephant with pink shoes? No? Good hiders, aren't they?",1,en
He died doing what he loved. failing to read my mind,0,en
How did I win a Super Smash Bros. Brawl Tournament? I met a knight,0,en
Some guy was talking about how he got a sweater free of charge. Weird flux but ok.,0,en
how do you make pickle bread? you need dill dough .,1,en
I made a Pokemon team based around paralyzing my opponents. I'm a firm believer that there is strength in numbers,1,en
Why didn't Anne Frank finish her diary? Concentration problems.,0,en
If you are what you eat That would explain my childlike behavior.,1,en
what do you call a cow with two legs? lean meat !,1,en
TIL Albert Einstein married his cousin. That's how he discovered the theory of relativity,1,en
"so the pope joined twitter so he can "" reach out to a younger generation. "" he is certainly not the first catholic to have done that",1,en
how does a duck pay for lipstick? she puts it on her bill,1,en
"what did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the party? "" namaste """,1,en
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.,1,en
"say friends , why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? they're always raising the steaks !",1,en
Where did Lucy go during the bombing? Everywhere ,1,en
What's a large bird hiding in the bushes called? A lurkey turkey.,1,en
"If the Christmas carolers at my door are really good, I turn my red swivel chair dramatically toward them.",1,en
What do you call a Sailor's hitch in the arctic? Knot cool,0,en
"a woman stopped me in my tracks . she said , "" you wouldn't know where the nearest hospital is? "" "" that is correct . "" i replied .",1,en
what do you call a man with a seagull on his head? cliff,0,en
q . what's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? a . finding half a worm .,0,en
I'm not racist I'm just afraid of the dark.,1,en
What deadly disease can bowls contract? Ebowla,0,en
Where is the largest population of Jews? In the atmosphere. ,1,en
Why is there very little honey in Belgium? Because there is only one B in Belgium,0,en
A rapper just came out with a line of premium sausages. Meats by Dre,1,en
My wife cries when our dog is in heat But how else are you supposed to cook roast chihuahua? ,0,en
At what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tenish.,1,en
what do you call a nosy pepper? jalapeno business !,1,en
Men don't get lost; they discover alternative destinations.,1,en
I would like to buy a vowel. But they don't take SNAP,1,en
why was the bullet train behind schedule? because it had a bad conductor .,0,en
What's your favorite terraria boss? Mine is the enderdragon,0,en
how do you spot the violent kids at the circus? they go straight for the juggler .,1,en
"It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.",1,en
Which is the best side of a banana to eat? The Inside...,0,en
Cops love humor! Unless it's dark.,0,en
What's the best way for an American to lose weight? Gamble in British currency.,1,en
"Is it possible to overwork the bot? Keep commenting and get it overloaded with work, worth a shot?",0,en
I just came up with a really good Schroedinger joke. But I won't know if it's funny or not until you observe it.,0,en
"Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.",0,en
"Working on my resume. How do I spin ""total mess"" into a marketable skill?",1,en
how do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their tiny brooms.,1,en
I've just been charged with stocking a chicken. I'm hoping to get it reduced,1,en
"babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food .",1,en
i have a joke to tell. can you reddit ?,0,en
i love buying cardboard boxes online. you always get one more than you pay for,0,en
It's hard moving kids outside. Bodybags are heavy so it's hard to move.,1,en
how do you milk a sheep? bring out a new iphone .,0,en
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A stripey sweater !,0,en
"The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.",1,en
"if a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would look just as it does now .",0,en
q : why do owners of muffler shops sleep so good at night? a : they're exhausted .,0,en
"why was the orphan so successful? when they told him "" go big or go home "" , he only had one option .",1,en
"What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One watches cells, the other sells watches.",1,en
What do you call Tinder for an amputee? Timber,1,en
This party is boring we should leave. But this is a funeral,0,en
"What kind of tea do the crime investigation team drink? A ""casual tea""",1,en
"When carrying a sleeping child to bed in the dark, make sure all intervening doors are open. Babies make cranky, ineffective battering rams",1,en
What's Stephen hawking's favourite food? Shoulder...,0,en
"""Please ma'am! How do you spell ichael?"" The teacher was rather bewildered. ""Don't you mean Michael?"" she asked. ""No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already.""",1,en
I found a stray dog with some puppies. I fed the puppies to the mom.,1,en
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died? They melted him into a lego brick so it was kids playing with him for a change,0,en
Here is a joke. My grades after finals,1,en
"she died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub .",0,en
What are the unspoken rules of sign language? All of them,1,en
Saw a lady with no eye... Didn't see that coming,0,en
What did the vox of Belgian cookies in me grandfather's room have? Insulin.,0,en
"cows are vegetarians too, but you won't hear them bragging about it on twitter .",1,en
Why does Superman have to wait until tomorrow to fight gang violence in LA? He can't face the Crips tonight.,1,en
"if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, do feminists still blame men for it ?",1,en
What do you say to someone whose relative died overnight? Good Mourning,1,en
knowing is half the battle. the other half is choosing the right pokemon,0,en
what fruit can't get married? cantaloupe,0,en
Why did the radiologist break up with the gold digger? Because he saw right through her.,1,en
how did pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy? he used conditioner on them .,1,en
getting that beach body is easy. you just have to know where to dig,0,en
the least offensive joke ever. the french military,1,en
why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub? so that the bride wouldn't get cold feet .,1,en
What is a psychic medium? ...smaller than a psychic large.,1,en
What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house? ...it was repossessed!,0,en
I have a fridge at home I use it for my food and dead bodies,1,en
Did you hear about Medusa's short lived stand up career? She always faced a tough crowd.,1,en
"Why doesn't lord Voldemort from Harry Potter have a nose? When he went to Hogwarts, he mistook the platforms.",0,en
What's blue and sits at the bottom of the pool? A baby with slashed floaties,0,en
My sister is pregnant. I'm going to be dad!,0,en
how are a pair of skinny jeans like a cheap motel? no ballroom,1,en
A magic tractor drives down a road. and turns into a field,0,en
what does wonder woman call foreplay? amazon prime .,1,en
"Did you see the concert in Vegas yesterday? It had a big surprise, people were dying to see it.",0,en
Three is fore for four. And aft to two too,1,en
Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....,0,en
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died. His funeral will take plac,0,en
What was the only mistake of the Florida Shooter? He missed Emma Gonzales.,0,en
Why is the Pharaoh a rare tuba player? Because he Toots Uncommon.,1,en
"legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar , you're not required to keep it forever , like they can't arrest you if u throw it out .",1,en
What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal,1,en
"i added paul walker on xbox, but he spends all his time on the dashboard .",0,en
how do you stop water from running? don't pay the water bill .,0,en
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? Both look good until they hit the ice,1,en
"this joke is like a never ending stairway. this joke is like a never ending stairway , it leads up to nothing",0,en
what do you call coffee on the floor? ground coffee .,1,en
what do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire? a bunny with money .,1,en
There's no such thing as the funny bone. But I heard the upper arm is quite humerus,1,en
"According to the Bible, what company was the first car manufacturer? Honda. Because Jesus and his apostles were in one accord.",1,en
Jokes are like people The younger ones get used more.,1,en
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear,1,en
"i was driving around in my tricycle all day i worked it so hard , it lost a wheel. the tricycle is two tired now",1,en
Did you know The pool on the Titanic is still full.,0,en
Why Is Chemistry Racist? It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone.,1,en
what do you call it when a flight attendant gets pregnant? pilot error .,1,en
"How did the bad Canadian fisherman describe his only catch of the day? ""Aboot this big""",1,en
What do Roman Polanski and Bumblebee Tuna have in common? They both come in little cans.,1,en
Corona virus did arrive at India But then virus got sicked,1,en
"My dad's like John Cena, I can't see him.",0,en
A man decides to give up his fancy lifestyle and moves to the wilderness to live with bears. He claims that he only needs the bear necessities,1,en
What's the difference between a dark joke and a dark person? You laugh with the person that made a dark joke. ,1,en
"I was at a antique store and came across the first Playboy magazine ever issued. Luckily, the owner didn't see me",1,en
"I told god a Holocaust Joke. He didn't laugh. After an awkward silence, I said, ""Ah, I guess you had to be there.""",1,en
"Answering school teachers like... Teacher: What is the outside of a tree called? Student:I don't know. Teacher: Bark, my child, bark. Student: Bow, wow, wow.",1,en
What does Bob Marley put on his toast? Peanut butter and jammin!,0,en
"What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.",0,en
My girlfriend is so open minded and artistic. She even painted the walls and ceiling for me the other day. I never knew she was so good with a shotgun.,1,en
Why can't Quentin Tarantino make a good first impression? He's always getting off on the wrong foot.,0,en
"Dating tip: Don't offer to pay. It's a sign of weakness. Build trust through mutual agreement to steal. No one suspects the ""happy couple.""",1,en
met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. we have a movie date tonight and he's bringing his boyfriend,1,en
How long can a frog hold its breath underwater? Until it croaks...,0,en
watching tv today i saw a struggling actress i used to know had landed a job in a bra commercial. nice to see her supporting herself,1,en
"I don't have OCD... I have CDO. The letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.",1,en
What is the scientific name for a crippled tyrannosaurus rex? Tywalkasoreus Rex,1,en
"wanna hear a joke about a jump rope? nah , let's just skip it .",0,en
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.,1,en
what do you get when you cross a child and an alligator? an alligator .,1,en
waitress : would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad? me : would you prefer your tip with cash or advice,1,en
"In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends",1,en
Where does Santa keep his nuts? In his nutsack...,0,en
"I failed a test on the topic 'straight lines'. Doesn't really matter, got grace marks for having Parkinson's.. ",1,en
There's only one snack that sustains Charlie Pouth's star power! Pop Secret.,0,en
How do you say puppers in chinese? Happy meal,1,en
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix,1,en
Sean Connery stars in... Coldfingers,0,en
What's the difference between fight club and veganism? You don't talk about fight club.,1,en
What type of doctor did Batman visit after Bane broke his back? A Chiroptopracter.,1,en
What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon? The element of supplies,1,en
Don't downvote people who !lock threads! They keep your thread from being !remove'd! With a thread being !lock'ed you can at least view it!,0,en
what did the stamp say to the envelope? i'm stuck on you .,0,en
"What did the icicle say to the other icicle? Nothing, they just hung out and chilled.",1,en
happy mother's day reddit! what did you get your mom ?,0,en
How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer,1,en
How is a photon like an abandoned church? They have no mass.,1,en
"""Dad, where's the thing to peel potatoes?"" ""She's shopping!""....",0,en
what do you call santa living at the south pole? a lost clause .,1,en
my wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. weird,0,en
"If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.",1,en
Jajbcnckiqjdbdbdn Habsbdhciocmfnaha,0,en
It's difficult to say what my wife does for a living. She sells seashells down by the seashore,1,en
Say what you want about Weinstein personal problems... He really got those girls to perform.,0,en
What comes after huehuehue? satsatsat lumlumlum,0,en
Computer dating is fine. if you are a computer,0,en
"I'm quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven't lost a pound and I'm getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal",1,en
What do you call a skillet that can be any other type of skillet? A panpan,1,en
Did you hear about the Olympic hurdler who became a dog breeder? She had a great pair o' knees.,1,en
"What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a hero, and the other is a command.",0,en
I read a study about how sleep deprivation causes false memories. I think,1,en
why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? because he was always spotted .,1,en
"Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...",0,en
what do you call a deer with no eyes ? no idea. what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ? still no idea,1,en
"What is the most popular cheese in ""the Upside Down""? Demogorgonzola",1,en
What does the F in Ethiopia stand for? Stands for Food,1,en
Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!,0,en
Why did the milk cow want the role of the camel in the nativity play so badly? She thought she was a dromedary.,1,en
what's the world's longest sentence? threedots i do .,0,en
"What's the difference between a torpedo and a priest? The ""tor"" bit.",1,en
"If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone",0,en
my phone got married last week. the service was good despite the lousy reception,0,en
A Welshman died at the weekend. Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep,1,en
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They duckerate cookies.,1,en
"what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help? stay calm . reload . and try again .",0,en
My chemistry teacher went on a camping trip and died. He was exposed to the elements,1,en
"That awkward moment; when no one else is laughing, except for you and you can't stop.",0,en
What's it called when a huge hole opens up in the ground in the middle of Spring? Sinkhole de Mayo,0,en
"If I eat lots of preservatives, won't I live longer? No, but you will have a longer shelf life.",0,en
An Arab is shaking a carpet on the window.A guy sees from below and asks: What's wrong with it? Doesn't start,1,en
"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday",1,en
what do you call three crows? a crowd .,1,en
Do you remember that Ariana Grande concert in Manchester... It was such a blast,0,en
What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet.,0,en
"the first sign i wasn't going to be a doctor is when i called anatomy "" skeleton class. "" sign two was failing skeleton class",1,en
Meet my new lizard friend. He's my newt,0,en
What do you call a vegan who cheats on their diet with human flesh? A humanitarian,1,en
"""The ankle so important to a basketball player. "" Something the announcer just said",1,en
What job can you see yourself doing? Inspecting mirrors,1,en
heard a great joke at work today. now if only i could remember it,0,en
"An English man was left in a vegetative state after being hit by a car, bus, tractor and trailer. It was an Oxford Coma.",1,en
what kind of pizzas can tell the future? medium pizzas,1,en
I know there's something wrong with my braille book. but I can't quite put my finger on it,1,en
what happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her halloween party? the cat ate her .,0,en
i let my baby girl know she can do anything. except taking the bow out of her hair cuz it's really cute and she needs to leave it alone,0,en
What do you call it when a disabled person tells you a story? VeggieTales,1,en
"what did the envelope say to the stamp? "" stick with me and we'll go places . """,1,en
"Hellen Keller walks into a bar..... And then into a table, and then into a chair, and then into the pool table, and then into....",1,en
If her age is on the clock She gets the glock.,1,en
"I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word",0,en
"i went camping in the snow . as the snow melted, water leaked in . it was the winter of my discount tent .",0,en
why are hipsters the oldest known form of life? they were on the earth before it was cool .,1,en
during my school days i was living on baked beans. a house would probably have been a smarter option,1,en
what do you call banana shoes? slippers .,1,en
what's the difference between a vegetarian and a virgin? a vegetarian doesn't like meat and a virgin doesn't know yet if she likes meat or not .,1,en
What is it called when a female is enbalmed? Emptying the dishwasher.,1,en
"Old lady Hubbard... Went to the cupboard To fetch her dog rover a bone; But when she bent over Rover drove her, for he had a bone of his own. ",0,en
running and cars he who runs in front of car gets tired. he who runs behind car gets exhausted,1,en
what is the easy way to get a wild elephant? get a tame one and annoy it !,0,en
What's the difference between a chestnut and a walnut? Your aim.,0,en
"i get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, i don't know if they're showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner .",1,en
i hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. one way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice,1,en
I'm telling you guys we need a wheel chair super hero. His greatest enemy? A flight of stairs.,0,en
What was going through Mr. Jones head as he hit the ground after jumping from the towers? His ankles,0,en
A woman is just like a game of Tetris... ...at times only the long stick helps beating it.,1,en
"whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, i just remind them that their mother is older than the internet .",1,en
"which is better pirate bay or pirate bae? pirate bae , because it never goes down .",0,en
Why is diabetes like a fumble recovery? Because you didn't know they had it.,1,en
The periodic table has expanded and the additions were rather heavy. There's no more room for any more elephants,1,en
why does the corn get mad at the farmer? because he is always pulling on his ears .,1,en
"truth is like the sun. you can shut it out for a time , but it isn't going away",0,en
"I wouldn't say I'm superstitious, just a little stitious.",1,en
Great idea Journalist: What do you think of western civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a great idea!,1,en
i'm going to put my grandmother on speed dial. i'll call it instagram,0,en
"I'm going as ""Twitter Elite"" for Halloween. I'm going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me",1,en
what's the only painful car rental company? hertz .,0,en
what does blue paint taste like? exactly like red paint !,0,en
"A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter. How dairy",0,en
My aunt lied to me about her pregnancy So I turned her statement true by giving her a miscarriage.,1,en
Why was the amputee not allowed on the rollercoaster? Because they couldn't keep both arms in the vehicle,1,en
Guys I just got my chromosome test back Above average ,1,en
"Him: what does a polar bear weigh? Me: I don't know Him: enough to break the ice, my name's John. Me: so's mine.",1,en
"wanna hear a construction joke? sorry , i'm still working on it .",0,en
what is the most common second language in the united states? dora the explorer spanish,1,en
Did you know Joe Montana and his brother have more super bowl wins than the Manning brothers? And Joe Montana doesn't even have a brother!,0,en
I see dead people. How much change do I have in my pocket. Six cents. Sixth sense. ,0,en
"What's the difference between a pun and a copy of Cliff's Notes? A pun is a play on words, while Cliff's notes are a word on plays",1,en
what do you call it when a bunch of deer have an intervention for one of their friends? change for a buck .,1,en
"Just wrote ""Rhanks"" to someone. Who am I? Scooby Doo",0,en
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.,1,en
"""I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losin' control. "" Buddy, you got stomach flu",0,en
"What do you call a bear that's been in the rain? A drizzly bear, of course",1,en
""" wanna solve a meat puzzle? "" is a good pickup line",1,en
Which family in Game Of Thrones fell down the stairs? The Bannisters,0,en
Wanna know why I wear glasses? I have a poor eye cue.,0,en
"""My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..."" ...said the doctor in Chernobyl.",0,en
I've been friends with my recliner the longest. We go way back,1,en
"Have you heard about Bruce Willis' new movie in which he has to infiltrate a Nunnery? ""Bad Habits Die Hard.""",1,en
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.,1,en
What do you call the teacher who lost her baby? Miss Carriage,1,en
"remember blowing bubbles as a kid? good . you should call him , he misses you .",0,en
What happened to the Muslim mailman in China? He got delivered.,1,en
"A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, ""Why is that, Angus""",1,en
"Burlap pants are coming into fashion, People are just itching to show off the new look.",1,en
how does samuel l jackson create fire with an orange? he uses pulp friction,1,en
"the internet is amazing in its ability to speed up communication, for instance it used to take years to realize you hated your friends .",1,en
What kind of music is popular with kids in my town? Chamber Music. ,1,en
Fridges should have glass doors. That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move,0,en
why did the man become a baker? he kneaded the dough .,1,en
"what blood type do canadians have? type "" eh """,1,en
What disease is most easily contracted by touching your hands together? The clap.,1,en
What do you call unborn twins? Wombmates.,1,en
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids weren't much to look at,1,en
Race car spelled backwards is race car sideways is... How Paul Walker died,0,en
"what's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? a pickpocket snatches watches , a peeping tom watches snatches .",1,en
what do you think mozart is doing right now? decomposing .,1,en
Corn is here to hear and help you out It's all ears,1,en
how can you tell elephants love to travel? they are always packing their trunk !,0,en
Why are people panic buying toilet paper during pandemic who doesn't have a bible at home?,1,en
What's the difference between Java and JavaScript? Java and JavaScript are similar in the same way car and carpet are.,1,en
"This is naut, ok? If America has 'astronauts' and Russia has 'cosmonauts', does Denmark have 'deeznauts'",1,en
I don't want to Spoonfeed... but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.,1,en
"Wife: ""Was that lightning? !"" Me: ""No, they're taking pictures for Google earth...""",0,en
"apparently it's not enough to just show up, you need to be wearing pants as well .",0,en
"I was watching spongebob, and I heard what I always say before the action. Are you ready kids",0,en
what's the difference between your boyfriend and whipped cream? the cream,1,en
"his wife caught him trying on a white and gold dress threedots "" it's not what it looks like "", said he",1,en
I pet my dog and he didn't wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I'll dress like a cat,0,en
When nick Fury got snapped away.. ..He wasn't cursing. He was thinking about his father.,0,en
what type of dog suffers from being inbred? a hotdog,1,en
just thinking about the possibilities about parallel universes this universe we're living in right now could actually the best version of ourselves,1,en
In the Special Olympics they don't win medals They win atrophy.,1,en
What do you call someone who is skilled with their mouth? A cunning linguist.,1,en
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere,1,en
God goes to the barber And barber didn't exist too,0,en
What do you tell someone who occupies space and has mass? You matter.,1,en
What did the socialists use before candles? Electricity,1,en
What was the favorite food of the thrifty Italian who loved contractions? A pasta free.,1,en
"A Higgs boson walks into a church, ""We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!"" shouts the priest. ""But without me, how can you have mass? "" asks the particle.",1,en
"I don't like to talk, or even think, about my wife dying. That way the lawyers can't use the word ""premeditated.""",1,en
"time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils .",1,en
"do you know if stephen hawking still has his old phone number? everytime i call , a machine answers .",0,en
what do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary? he got a way with words .,1,en
"""Are you seeing anyone? "" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends.",0,en
"if you love something , set it free. if it returns , it probably can't pay its student loans",1,en
What do you call a pool of organs? A Liverpool,1,en
"I don't care how awesome the Internet is. if we don't have hover boards, then we are not in the future",1,en
I eat so much bacon my friends gave me a nickname. Kermit the frog,0,en
My friend uses 'supossebly' and I never correct her. I like her irregardless,1,en
This morning I saw a homeless guy talking to his shadow. Does that mean six more weeks of recession,1,en
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world? It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.,0,en
what do you call... what do you call a bad noodle? AM IMPASTA!,1,en
learning to love yourself is important. just don't let your partner catch you doing it !,0,en
What do you call a factory that only makes good products? A satisfactory,1,en
Where do you send a kid with ADHD? School. That's where they'll learn the rest of the alphabet.,1,en
"A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified. ""No."" Said the farmer ""No."" Said the tomato",1,en
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis,1,en
wife : silent me : what's wrong? wife : nothing me : grabs shield and sword,1,en
What do you call a Jamaican who likes spaghetti? A Pastafarian.,1,en
"an iphone user walks into a bar , a hotel , or a field. he's not too sure",1,en
My wife told me to look at things thru her point of view.. So I went and looked out the kitchen window,0,en
Why was the chemist not able to get very far in his study of acids? He was only willing to consider the most basic of solutions.,1,en
What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people,1,en
What did Socialists use before candles? Electricity,1,en
The cancer is finaly free from mom,0,en
"Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said ""DON'T WALK"".",1,en
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy.,0,en
Went to the urologist for the first time yesterday Fist time it was hard but after i finished it all softened up,1,en
what was the pirate boxing champion known for? his left hook .,1,en
"wife : i'll just have a salad . waiter : and for you , sir? me : i'll be giving her half of my food .",1,en
"So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses.",1,en
What did the cheese maker say when his vat got dumped to the floor? That's no gouda,0,en
What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms? HeHe ,0,en
help! my wife left me for my best friend and i miss him threedots,0,en
q : what do you get when offering a blonde a penny for her thoughts? a : change .,0,en
my house cleaner is getting really annoying. she keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce,1,en
"How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop.",1,en
what do you call a person with a nose but no body? nobody knows,1,en
"you know , the world doesn't revolve around you! threedots because it'd take too long if it did .",0,en
I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft. I'll take it up to her later,0,en
"what did rihanna say to her grandma with alzheimer's? oh na na , what's my name",0,en
When you're single nobody likes you. when you're in a relationship everybody likes you,1,en
Why are indecisive miners the worst? because all day they deal with ores.,1,en
Nobody is born cool... ...Except stillborns,0,en
i just got into an argument with mrs. fields she was one tough cookie,0,en
How do you call a dog that likes to be on the Internet? A Labragoogle.,1,en
Women are like car parking spaces Usually all the good ones are taken so sometimes you just have to stick it in the disabled one,1,en
All of the construction that was slowing down traffic during the summer is over now. I don't know why they can't repair those cones indoors,1,en
"help me reddit. i've quit smoking and i'm gaining weight before , i only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter",1,en
what do you do with dead atoms? barium,1,en
why didn't the skeleton make a good lawyer? all his work was pro bono .,1,en
I heard Stephen Hawking died Guess he ran out of the wifi range,0,en
"Sometimes I log into Facebook from a desktop computer, just to see what it is like to live how our ancestors used to.",0,en
"Guys, I'm really scared I just learned my uncle is a Catholic priest",1,en
dont stop! i dont usually get to see beauty in motion,0,en
"I love my girlfriend's dog, ""Missy. "" She messes inside a lot though, especially if I show too much attention to the dog",1,en
Yesterday I got dared to have surgery that prevented me from moving my neck. There's no turning back now,0,en
"i cant believe i got fired from the calendar factory i mean, i only took a day off",0,en
STOP. DROP. ROLL. Smothers fire. Works on babies too.,0,en
did you hear about the kid who brought a home made watch to school? he had a real bad time threedots,0,en
"the human brain is a wonderful thing. it starts working the moment you are born , and never stops until you stand up to speak in public",1,en
"when i was young, i used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness . . . . i was right .",0,en
How do they make bras for octopi? With suction cups.,1,en
"A man learned that every time he reposted a joke on Reddit, he gained a year to live. He was already immortal",0,en
What do you call the cerebral haemorrhage your teacher has the day before a test? A stroke of luck,1,en
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? They gave her a basketball and told her to read.,0,en
What is a rock's favorite band? The Rolling Stones.,1,en
What does the chicken do to get through college? She strips.,1,en
My wife came home from a hard day at work.... She told me to take off her blouse. Then her skirt. In fact she told me not to wear her clothes again. ,1,en
Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!,1,en
Why did the hipster drown? He went iceskating before it was cool,0,en
"i'd rather look back at my life and say "" i can't believe i did that "" instead of saying, . "" i wish i did that . """,1,en
why was germany in debt after wwii? the gas bill was too high .,1,en
I've just watched a distressing film on how African children have to walk up to ten miles to bring water to their village. I think it was far fetched,1,en
"How do inmates pay for things in prison? With ConCurrency, of course.",1,en
Have you heard the joke about the margarine? I'd tell it you but I prefer it unsaturated.,1,en
I tried to sell AMC a movie about menstruation. They said they weren't interested in doing another period piece.,1,en
if six children and two dogs were under an umbrella how come none of them got wet? because it wasn't raining .,1,en
"my son asked me what's it like being married . i said "" you know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? like that "" .",1,en
potassium and oxygen went on a date. it was ok,0,en
"And then God said: Let women have infallible memory. But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies",1,en
If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it. do the other trees laugh at it,0,en
"people always look at me weird when i argue with my food , but what can i say? i cook a mean steak .",1,en
An American doctor who contracted Ebola is said to be getting better. The bad news is he's getting better at contracting the Ebola virus,1,en
Police are on the look out for a Midget Fortuneteller. He is described as a Small Medium at Large,1,en
"Friend celebrated her birthday today by falling off an elephant in Thailand, if you thought I'm the weird one in my circle.",0,en
Have you guys heard of the Ed Zachary disease? if you get the disease you'll look Ed Zachary like him!,0,en
why did the cookie go to the doctor? because he felt crummy.,0,en
say what you want about floyd mayweather. he won't be able to read it anyway,0,en
What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan? The Pirates always lose.,1,en
What's the difference between my Arab acupuncturist and the quiet kid in my class? None. I freak out when they both say they're about to pull the pin.,1,en
"i love you dude, but im not "" in prison "" with you .",0,en
Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed? He got caught taking a leek,1,en
what did the bad plant say to the good plant? i've turned over a new leaf .,1,en
What do you say if a disabled man is at the botton of the sea with sharks around him Lucky sharks are not vegetarians,1,en
How can you tell if someone who's having a temper tantrum is on the phone? You get a tizzy signal!,0,en
What does Rob Schneider say when he visits Canada? Yukon do it!,1,en
"girls fall for me, because i trip them .",1,en
So my doctor told me I need to stop eating so much. But I don't think I can just quit eating cold turkey,1,en
Why do Avon ladies walk funny? ..because their lipstick,1,en
How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU,0,en
Which famous pop duo were the best at delivering cereal? Haulin' Oates,1,en
I hate calculus... I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.,0,en
A cow walks into a milk bar. and no one uddered a word,1,en
"roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless .",1,en
"guys , when she complains about something you didn't do , tell her about the things you did do . that will make everything ok! you're welcome",0,en
why is divorce so expensive? because it's worth it !,0,en
It's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. Apparently doesn't apply for dead bodies.,1,en
How is Harrison Ford like the Reddit admins? Both should have said no to the latest update.,1,en
Why did the farmer feel better when he left his gate open? He didn't want to have a cow,1,en
Why is PTSD like riding a bike? You never forget,0,en
My Girlfriend is writing a book about menstrual cycles. It's a period piece,1,en
"so, i wanted to know what my weight was . ' holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter ' my wife said . but how am i supposed to see the numbers ?",1,en
"My phone wanted to auto correct, ""mos def"" to ""most definitely. "" I swear, my phone has absolutely zero swag",1,en
"Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.",1,en
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me,1,en
I went camping over the weekend. It was in tents,1,en
what's pink has five toes and is carried by the easter bunny? his lucky people's foot !,0,en
black ice slipped on ice today. didnt know it was black ice until my wallet was gone,0,en
similarities and differences between the canadian and chinese constitution. both have freedom of speech but only one has freedom after speech,1,en
I saw a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I've seen in a while,1,en
"People say musicians are gems I used to think Simon and Garfunkel were real gems, but then I about diamond and carbuncle.",1,en
Who do you call a woman with a wooden leg? Peggy...,1,en
Why was the daybreak sad? Because it was in morning.,0,en
What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends? The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.,1,en
"i don't need a stable relationship, i just need a stable internet connection .",0,en
How does the Moon cut the Sun's hair? He eclipse it.,1,en
He wanted to go boating in France. I told him it that was in Seine.,1,en
"What's pink, flies and squeels? A baby fired from a catapult. What do you call the baby when it lands? Free pizza",0,en
i'm going to the new tom cruise movie at midnight. seeing it on the edge of tomorrow,0,en
have you seen the new french flag? it's a white cross on top of a white background .,1,en
"Are Koalas bears? No, they're marsupials But they have the right koalafications to be a bear",1,en
Looking to sell me theremin. Haven't touched it in years,0,en
"I'd like to start a diet, ... but I've got too much on my plate right now.",0,en
When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight.,1,en
what do you say when a karen wits you with a baby help shes hitting me with her mistake,1,en
What is the biggest crime in China? Identity theft,1,en
"Beware careful of only receiving half the truth, you may have gotten the wrong half",0,en
What type of food do firefly's love to eat? Light food.,1,en
"The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears",1,en
How many points do you get for a slam dunk? Enough points to get your record back from LeBron,0,en
Why did the Hipster order piping hot soup? He wanted to eat it before it was cool.,1,en
what should you do if you are on a picnic with king kong? give him the biggest bananas .,0,en
Q: Why do ducks have flat webbed feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.,0,en
what word is always spelled wrong? wrong,1,en
"You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there's a TV over your head.",1,en
Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well,1,en
"The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials. On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?",1,en
"Why are manhole covers round? Because if they were square, you couldn't play twiddlywinks with them.",0,en
there is a thin line between a numerator and denominator. only a fraction of people will find this funny,1,en
"My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday luckily, this playstation was able to. console him",0,en
what do you call a guy who checks his blood sugar frequently? sir lance a . lot,1,en
"i remember my marriage like i remember yesterday wait, what happened yesterday ?",0,en
"did you hear about the woman who doesn't like banker jokes? so if you take her on a date , you'd better not teller any .",0,en
"when life gives you lemons, be thankful it didn't give you cancer",0,en
What dino was known for having distinguished tastes? A Connosaur,1,en
"i found a lone sock left in the laundry room and i thought to myself, "" poor sole "" .",1,en
"Hey fan, your my only friend Wanna hang out ",0,en
what childhood game are orphans not aloud to play? house .,1,en
"Tony Stewart's new sponsor. Dodge picked him up for their truck line. The new slogan is ""If you can't Dodge it, Ram it.""",1,en
What is green and if you press a button its red? A frog in a mixer.,0,en
i've decided to start my own herb garden. i've got a lot of extra thyme,0,en
What's similar between God and your girlfriend? They don't exist.,0,en
Rhonda is my type of woman. She finishes before I do,1,en
Nick Vujicic is not a helpful person at all He cannot lend a helping hand.,0,en
"Man should not be judged by the color of his skin, but rather by the first song that comes on his iPod when you put it on shuffle.",1,en
"How many couples does it take to screw in a light bulb? They can't, it'd be much too cramped. How would they even get in there in the first place",1,en
i'm on a seafood diet. i see food and i eat it,1,en
"i read that hebrew lesson book so many times, i know it from back to front .",1,en
what do you call a social studies class that got burnt down? history,1,en
"I'd like to tell a Whitney Houston joke... ... but then I realized that It's Not right, But It's Okay",0,en
"Contagious Had my grandmother mow my lawn, it took that contagious.",0,en
A mime fell down a well and couldn't call for help. His larynx was crushed during the fall,1,en
"Is Google a he or a she... Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.",0,en
"How many Vietnam War Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? You don't know man, you weren't there!",0,en
what do you get when you goose a ghost? you get a lot of sheet .,0,en
What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests? A cramberry.,1,en
"no son , you can't go out with your friends. tonight we're installing windows updates , as a family",1,en
"A gaggle of geese, a brood of hens, what do you call a group of turkeys? A corporation.",1,en
Why did the man with a stammer never get out of jail? He couldn't finish his sentence.,1,en
I'm never tired. They call me Ironman,1,en
How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp? Give him sheet music.,0,en
My wife says she hates it when our next door neighbour sunbathes topless in the garden. Personally I'm on the fence,1,en
I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today. The driver walked away without injury though. I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.,1,en
"florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you're at the beach .",0,en
my wallet is like an onion. when i open it threedots it makes me cry,0,en
"If storks bring babies, what kind of bird doesn't bring any babies? A swollow.",1,en
q : what did one math book say to the other? a : man i got a lot of problems !,0,en
Mods are good people that care about the state of this sub Hope that you enjoyed me joke,0,en
I'm still tired after my first French self defence class... I've never run so much in my whole life!,0,en
A white horse fell in the mud... And took a bath.,0,en
make a fire q : how do you make a fire with two sticks? a : make sure one is a match !,0,en
What's a woman's favorite monkey? Macaque.,0,en
A blonde leans against a tree and the tree collapses. The cleverer give in,1,en
Why are Chameleons surprisingly good at flying? Because they are always in duh skies,1,en
"either my xbox is broken, or it wants to get married and start a family threedots because it's done playing games with me .",0,en
I'm really upset because I got my doctor's test results  turns out I'm not gonna be a doctor.,1,en
Did you know that Miley has a twin sister? Her name is Tyranna and she's a palaeontologist.,1,en
What do you call an someone who's an itch that begins with a B? Brash.,1,en
"never date a girl with lots of baggage they'll travel too much, you will never get to see them .",0,en
Where are all of the creative Calculus jokes? All these new ones are so derivative...,1,en
How do you measure a Lego minifigure's shoe size? In square feet.,0,en
What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.,1,en
"To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt",1,en
"Why did the man cry when he was cutting up onions? ""Onions"" was his dog... D:",0,en
Why do people like jokes about cancer? Because cancer jokes are toohumorous.,1,en
"I hope it's not too weird the next time I get a haircut and the barber asks, ""So, how do you want it? "" and I reply, ""Like Ellen DeGeneres.""",1,en
Women find me hard to resist That Glock serves me quite well,1,en
how does rex reclaim make his music? he composts it,1,en
I was really upset when I found out I had Cancer but gotta say its growing on me,0,en
"So there was this surfer dude called Curl, but he died in a tsunami wave RIP Curl",0,en
What is the difference between ice and dry ice? Dry ice lacks of water.,1,en
What's the difference between my wife and a dishwasher? The dishwasher doesn't scream when I put knives into it.,1,en
"There's a question in the exam that said, ""What is the past tense of 'think'? "" So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.",1,en
"I know skinny jeans are fashionable. But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off",1,en
"my girlfriend is in mexico for vacation and if she has a juan night stand while she's down there, her and i are totally done .",1,en
"Did you hear about the Million Dollar Dutch Lottery? It's great! If you win, you gat a dollar each year... for a million years.",0,en
The Church and my doctor finally agreed on something That I was cancerous.,1,en
I was going to tell you a joke about UDP. But I'm not sure if you would get it,0,en
What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle,1,en
What do you call a bear that's stuck out in the rain? A drizzly bear.,1,en
Why did kobe die ? Cause God went Kobe,0,en
Do you know why Hindus worship Lord Ganesha first Because we have to first address the elephant in the room,1,en
What would you call your geologist friend if you are a pokemon fan? Geodude,0,en
what's the difference between up and down? it all depends on how you look at it,1,en
Why are LED's a good investment? Because they always diode.,1,en
I like my printer paper how i like my europe Pure white,1,en
"what happens when you take the tea away from your guest? he's left there trying to "" guess "" what happened .",1,en
What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet? A Scotland Yard.,1,en
"The most Canadian sentence ever. Sorry aboot spilling too much maple syrup into your Tim Hortons coffee, eh?",0,en
how did pinocchio realize he was made of wood? his hand caught on fire .,0,en
What is a geometry teachers favorite movie? Angles in the Outfield,1,en
"Why shouldn't you take a nap during a race? If you snooze, you lose!",0,en
I once tried painting my laptop black hoping it would run faster. But now it doesn't work anymore.,0,en
"whenever i'm bored, i call one of my parents and ask them to describe how the internet works .",1,en
"What's the difference between a bottle and a woman? You fill then plug a bottle, but you plug then fill a woman",0,en
"I was told insence would help me catch Pokemon But no matter how many times I make out with my sister, I'm still not getting any Pokemon",1,en
i know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune walk in with a big fortune. happy new year,0,en
"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Ideally three, but Toucan.",1,en
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.,0,en
why did the rock star fail his depressing math exam? he couldn't get the saddest fraction .,1,en
"batman can safe the world, but clark kent",0,en
which dog tastes better when eaten? a hot dog .,1,en
So I heard a man died a couple days ago after watching Infinty war.. Wonder what part of the movie he died at..,0,en
Why are you baking octopus? So I can get octopi.,0,en
What do you call an autistic kid with a glock? Special Forces,1,en
sailors whats a sailors favorite insect? a hornet.,1,en
if you crossed a cow with a goat what would you get? half and half !,0,en
"I told my friends that I'm going on a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary. Joke's on them, they are too",1,en
"Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus",1,en
who never gets his hair wet in the shower? a bald man .,1,en
i bought a friend of mine an elephant for his room he said thanks. i said don't mention it,0,en
Conversation in classroom Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of a flammable material Jewish kid: Me me me!!! Teacher: Okay what else?,1,en
"at the karma cafe, there is no menu you get what you deserve",0,en
interviewer : what are your expectations ? me : job. interviewer : i mean what do you want from this job ? me : salary,1,en
"how do you know if someone was in the navy? oh don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
did you know that stevie wonder has seven kids? he never sees them though .,0,en
I'm in a very dark place right now. Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on,0,en
what's the similarity between video games and roulette? very fun until it goes russian .,1,en
"I went to a Zoo, but the only animal it had was a dog... It was a Shih Tzu.",0,en
"Hey Joe, did you return that axe to Frank? Yes. And what did he say? Yaaaaauh!",0,en
q : why can't ray charles see his friends? a : because he's married .,0,en
What is Dan Schneider's favorite celebrity? Sarah Jessica Parker,0,en
"costume idea: dress up like milkshake , wait in the yard .",0,en
My coins always look burnt out. Because they're spent.,1,en
Why are the Dutch such great bakers? They know their way around an oven...,1,en
"People always ask 'how do you cope with erectile dysfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard",1,en
What do you call a town floating in the ocean? A seaciety ,1,en
"What do Disney Channel actors have that other actors don't? An actual, rational mind.",1,en
what do you get a man who has everything? storage,0,en
I told a group of intellectuals a joke on an elevator. That raised a few highbrows.,1,en
Why is Mickeys dog named Pluto? Because hes not a planet.,0,en
what did sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner? watson the menu,1,en
What appears when you ask a genie for a classical composer? A wish Liszt.,0,en
"today, i took a shower you have no idea how hard it was to get it out of home depot .",0,en
i'm aging like an avocado. by the time i finally noticed my prime it was too late,1,en
"did you hear they found life on mars? but , curiosity killed the cat .",1,en
What does a paraplegic comedian do? Definitely not stand up.,1,en
"I was in an online relationship with a vegan. One day, she suddenly ended it. I don't get it, though. All I said was that I've love to meat her next year...",1,en
You Know What's Not Made In China? Breathable Air,0,en
"if monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring .",0,en
How do you know the moon is going broke? It's down to its last quarter.,0,en
What's the loudest economic system? CAPITALISM,1,en
"instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing .",0,en
why do sorority girls travel in odds? because they can't even !,1,en
I'm not into bestiality but. I do like hot dogs,1,en
after months of trying to find a job threedots threedots my mate has recently found work in making chess pieces. he starts next week on nights,1,en
"What do a pregnant woman and a slinky, have in common?... ...they both bring you joy when you push them down the stairs!",0,en
"Christmas was fun last year I got my sister a DNA test and my dad used the belt I got him, my mom was so happy she started screaming in joy!",0,en
"What is similar between gas and water? Not much, but in Flint they are both regular and unleaded",1,en
Pirate: How do oceans communicate with each other? By waving seaward.,1,en
do you want to hear a potassium joke? k . i was going to tell you a sodium joke but na .,0,en
I'm pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself. Thanks YouTube,0,en
why did the motorcycle suddenly stop running? because it was two tired .,0,en
Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix transplant,1,en
i just bought a thesaurus and when i got it home i found out that all the pages are blank. i have no words to describe how angry i am,1,en
What's the difference between milk teeth and me? My son gets money when milk teeth come OUT of his mouth.,1,en
What should the new darkjokes sub be called? We need a new sub and just thinking about what would be the best name for it.,0,en
What do you call an epileptic puppy? Kibbles 'n Fits.,1,en
"Did you hear about the shooting at the Kanye West concert? It was awful, they missed...",0,en
I asked Robin Williams if he wanted to hang out I'm starting to regret it,0,en
Why do stormtroopers make good drivers? They won't ever hit anything.,1,en
"today, i'm going to give it my some .",0,en
Why did Nietzche's Shop go out of business? He accepted eternal returns.,0,en
"My friend told me I should relax I said ""yeah try telling that to the person in my basement.""",1,en
Why were the Three Wise Men covered in soot? Because they came from afar.,1,en
what do sea monsters like to eat? fish and ships,1,en
"The Only Way Out of a ""NO U"" Likewise.",1,en
i think i want a job cleaning mirrors. it's something i could really see myself doing,1,en
"Everyone makes fun of North Korea's military Personally, I'm amazed and terrified. Just imagine what they would accomplish if they opened their eyes",1,en
Why did the necromancer move to the middle of the graveyard at the end of town? So he could raise his family in peace,1,en
What do you call a garbage truck in Ethiopia Meals on wheel,1,en
A magical tractor is driving down a road. and turns into a field,0,en
"I loved Star Trek Into Darkness, but I have to admit the movie did have its pros and Khans",1,en
"What was the last line in Anne Frank's diary? Just a moment, someone's knocking on the door..",0,en
""" sir , you cannot fish here! "" "" don't worry , i'm just teaching my worm to swim . """,0,en
Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog horn !,0,en
"My father asks my mother if the laptop has any battery life Mother: ""total Buenos no charge""",1,en
What do you call Mexican potato chips? Oles Potato Chips!,1,en
What branch of the military did the hipster join? The Salvation Army.,1,en
"what did the father buffalo say when his son went off to college? "" bison . """,1,en
I think I got them pregnant. He hasnt gotten his period since that night.,0,en
What never said hello but said goodbye A poor couple with a soon to be born baby.,0,en
"What's the difference between a poor man and a feather pillow? One is hard up, the other is soft down.",0,en
"intelligence is like an underwear. it is important that you have it , but not necessary that you show it off",1,en
Why did Harrison Ford Crash his plane? because he was flying solo and went look no hans...,0,en
Have you heard about the slippery eel? Didn't think so you wouldn't be able to grasp it !sna,0,en
My girlfriend spends all her money on expensive perfumes. I feel like she has no common scents,1,en
What do depressed kids use to cook? A cutting board.,1,en
"What the Baker who Burned a Cake and the prengnant have in common? Both says ""If I just bring it out early""",1,en
what have men and spray paint in common? one squeeze and they're all over you .,1,en
"My roommate was complaining to me that his favorite P!nk song never came on the radio. And i was like, ""so what? "" I'll show myself out.",1,en
"It's going to be a cold day today in Motown. Three Degrees, Four Tops",1,en
What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing? Help! My pocket's been picked!,0,en
"my opinions may have changed, but not the fact that i am right .",1,en
"I had a job at a lumber yard, but I soon got board.",1,en
"what happens when you play a country song backwards? he finds his dog , his truck gets fixed , and his woman comes home .",1,en
why was the computer tired when it got home from work? cos it had a hard drive .,0,en
"Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She's a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.",0,en
parallel lines have so much in common. it's a shame they will never meet,1,en
"what goes "" clip ""? a one legged horse !",0,en
The neighbors challenged me to a watergun fight So I thought I would browse some reddit while the water boils,1,en
"With faith in Jesus Christ. you can move mountains. but with faith in Mohommad, you can move skyscrapers. ",0,en
if you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day,0,en
What's the diagnosis doctor? Doctor: What's your zodiac sign? Woman: Cancer. Doctor: What a coincidence.,0,en
Time for a Pao wow. Feel free to express how you really feel,0,en
I heard Baja Fresh has a new burrito called the Ravens. It has everything on it but Rice,0,en
My pet anteater just ate my dad's sister! Turns out it was an aunteater...,0,en
Just saw a man talking on a pay phone. I should call the cops right,0,en
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength? Me: I'm hyper observant Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard Me: Oh..,1,en
What do you call a guy with vitiligo? A halfway decent man.,1,en
"My aunt's star sign was cancer, so I guess it's pretty ironic how she died... She was eaten by a giant crab",0,en
What is the most popular item sold on the black market in Africa.... .....Clean water,1,en
"how do you tell if someone's an introvert? don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
"game of thrones is exciting, but i think it's important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair",1,en
"if i ever win the lottery , i'm going to share it with everyone. not the money , just going to let you know that i've won",0,en
What did Delaware? Idaho. Alaska,1,en
"My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a large obsession with The Monkees. At first I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face.",1,en
what sounds like a robot and bumps into tables? stephen hawking .,0,en
What's the opposite of a nightmare? A daystallion.,0,en
why was the band late to their gig? because the drummer locked himself in the car with the keys .,1,en
me : you're the only one who truly gets me . chipotle guy : what? me : i said chicken . chicken burrito .,0,en
"I was hoping my sister could help me with trigonometry. But then I remembered, ""she's in middle school, of course secant""",1,en
Once I was a male trapped in a female body.. Then I was born.,0,en
"Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly",0,en
"I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::",1,en
Visitor: You're very quiet Jennifer. Jennifer: Well my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose,0,en
What do little kids ans cardiac arrest havenin common? They both made Michael Jackson stiff. ,0,en
"like many people , i had no idea what to do after i left school. but after thinking about it for a while , i decided to go home",1,en
why is it good to have a blonde passenger? you can park in the handicap zone .,0,en
"i get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say i need to take it for a walk .",1,en
"you could introduce a raccoon to a walrus as "" my grandpa steven , "" and neither would bat an eye. that's what's so great about animals",1,en
what did one tooth say to the other? get your cap on the dentist is taking us out tonight .,1,en
I've learned so much from my mistakes. I'm thinking of making some more,0,en
My favorite thing on a dark night is shooting stars. I love Hollywood.,1,en
"i saw a giraffe with a short neck it was sad, or a deer",1,en
q : what is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? a : half a measure .,0,en
"In Episode III, why did Obi Wan not finish Anakin off after their duel? Because Anakin was unarmed.",1,en
"Why did the woman cross the road? hold up, why isn't she in the kitchen?",0,en
Black Just checking if automod is still here. ,0,en
"did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? the food is good , but the atmosphere is terrible .",1,en
q . what do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? a . a rebel without a clue !,0,en
"i found the cure to obesity, but then i ate it .",1,en
"wife : "" you look tired honey . how about a nice steak mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert? "" husband : "" no thanks . i'm too tired . let's just eat at home . """,1,en
"My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants, the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.",1,en
your style so sweet your smile so sweet your voice so sweet your eyes so sweet Your whole life so sweet. In short; you are a sweetheart,0,en
I had a great conversation with the world's leading brain surgeon. Best cab ride ever,1,en
What came first the chicken or the egg? actually i came first... inside the chicken.,0,en
I want to go see the new Purge movie. But I have to binge on the first two,1,en
My wife and i got along so much better. When we were just brother and sister,0,en
"Went on ChristianMingle. com and kept asking myself, ""Who Would Jesus Do""?",0,en
"one word difference one word can change your day , your feelings , and life. example : "" this is your captain speaking "" "" this isn't your captain speaking """,1,en
"When someone special dies... There body goes to the cemetery, and the wheelchair goes back to the hospital",0,en
People in Sweden keep telling me how great it is living there. But I think it's just Stockholm Syndrome,1,en
what is a blonde's favorite color? glitter .,0,en
Did you hear about the French boat with five holes in it? It cinq!,0,en
Whats the difference between global economy and your girl? Global economy is going down but your girl isn't.,0,en
What's the worst part of having a lung transplant? Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.,1,en
why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window? he read that it was an invisible solid .,1,en
"my mate just said "" there's only one thing that a scares me about halloween "" . i asked "" which is? "" . "" exactly "" he replied .",1,en
"Jokes that nerds tell I would tell you a NTP joke, but I don't have the time. Got any more",1,en
the groundhog in our town died on sunday. i can't imagine how long our winter will be now,0,en
What is Kanye West's favorite kind of omelette? Omelette you finish,0,en
"Cinderella's shoe must have been a Nike, Cause after she lost it, Prince and her just couldn't do it.",0,en
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house? ...neither has he!,0,en
"researchers found out, threedots threedots after someone finally opened the door .",0,en
Q: Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? A: He wanted to work overtime.,0,en
"if you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone .",0,en
q : what do lead trumpet players use for birth control? a : their personality .,0,en
"Dear Tech Support, I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?",0,en
"I almost took a bite of my friend's sandwich Woops, wrong sub.",0,en
What's a Russian's favorite Italian dish? Pepperoni Picza!,0,en
We call our new maid Non Sequitur. She's Latin and she doesn't follow,1,en
"people say i'm a people person it's like a dog person, but with a lot more chains in my basement .",1,en
Why do blind people always laugh at jokes? Same as why they don't drive. They never see it comming.,1,en
"I'm a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog ""The War Atrocity Babe""",1,en
"accidentally walked into the women's bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone .",1,en
if arnold schwarzenegger was a composer which would he be? he'd be bach,1,en
What do you call a woman who dyes her hair red? Transginger.,1,en
If you've had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent. or your life is way more interesting than mine,0,en
i love spending time with my step ladder. i've never known my real ladder,1,en
ever accidentally say ' i love you ' to important business customers on the phone? me too . i mean me neither .,1,en
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz !,0,en
"Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.",1,en
Why don't women need watches? There's a clock on the oven.,0,en
What restaurants are Orphans not aloud to go to? Family Restaurants.,1,en
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.,1,en
How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes? Like a Bosch!,0,en
"Help, I just sunk the wrong submarine and I need legal advice Whoops! Wrong sub.",0,en
Why did Walt and Skyler get divorced? There was no chemistry.,0,en
what type of bagel can fly? a plain bagel !,0,en
If Barry Allen had a restaurant what would it be called? Greased lightning,1,en
"Did you guys see Micheal J. Fox's icebucket challenge? The water was so cold , he's still shaking.",0,en
A biology teacher asked What was the power house of the cell.... Tyrone wasn't the right answer aparently,0,en
Most women are like ripe fruit... ... They bruise pretty easily.,1,en
Where do animals go when their tails fall off? A retail store.,1,en
Have you heard the myth about how the internet was created? It's an Allegory.,1,en
What do you do if your cooker breaks? Send her to the doctor.,0,en
The Army told me I could be all I can be. So I became fertilizer. ,1,en
My labrador and my collie do everything together. You could say that they're great at collaborating,1,en
If only there were more mosquito nets in Africa... It would save millions of mosquitos dying needlessly each year of AIDs.,1,en
"I want to start a Precedents Day, but it's tough because there's never been one before.",0,en
"just remember , you're unique. just like everyone else",0,en
"why do people say "" be there or be square ""? because if you're not there , then you're not around .",1,en
"What happens when your dishwasher breaks down? Easy, You get a divorce.",1,en
how do you make a chocolate omelette? with easter eggs !,0,en
What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisey noise annoys an oyster!,0,en
"if i got a penny for everyone i've met who is as beautiful as you, i'd have all the money in the world .",0,en
I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts. I guess that's why the pioneers usually died so young,1,en
What is a dog's favorite thing about living in a house? Roofs.,1,en
Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in? They had to pay the jockey overtime!,0,en
"Like all great artists, Drake will reach a tipping point in his career And follow Snoop Lion's footsteps and reincarnate himself as Dragon.",1,en
where do you weigh a pie? somewhere over the rainbow .,0,en
"girl, me without you is like the history channel without world war two .",0,en
Who's the friendliest person at the hospital? The ultra sound guy.,0,en
Let's simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call,0,en
""" i can't believe we're selling this house . so many memories . man , if walls could talk threedots "" wall: "" i saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster . """,0,en
"He has the grocery Liszt What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket? I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.",1,en
"My personal trainer asked me if I'd ever tried an ice bath. ""No, only plastic,"" I told him.",1,en
"A house goes to the doctor complaining about its windows. When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, ""I have panes all over.""",1,en
Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today. I guess he was still on the fence.,0,en
"'No Panties Tuesday' is a thing, right? Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.",0,en
"BEST JOKE EVER hey, lets play duoq",0,en
"A lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume got together for lunch. Lunch was a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.",0,en
teacher : what family does the octopus belong to? pupil : nobody i know !,0,en
"What happens to a laffy taffy joke in the rain? It makes me laugh a little bit, in the rain.",0,en
What do you call it when a group of chickens rebel against their farmers? Coop d'etah,1,en
"What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.",1,en
Stephen Hawking didn't die. He just went out of order.,0,en
when does an astronaut eat his favourite meal? at launch time .,1,en
i told my wife i wanted breakfast in bed. she said go sleep in the kitchen,0,en
What's the best best time at school Glock o Clock,0,en
its funny how guys always say they would give their left nut to do something awesome. why is the right nut so much cooler than the left nut ?,1,en
What's the difference between Jesus and chadwick boseman? Jesus is gonna be back someday,0,en
What is the most expensive hotel in the world? An American hospital.,1,en
"i'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for netflix threedots i mean, i've seen stranger things .",0,en
"Diet diary, Day one : Have just removed all the fattening food from the house.. ..and it was so delicious.",0,en
"if you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon .",0,en
What are french journalists good at catching? Bullets.,1,en
I didn't come here tonight to win a popularity contest. Is there one though? Because that will probably affect my behaviour.,1,en
What do you call an amphibian in disguise? Infrognito.,1,en
how do you keep a bunch of redditors in suspense? i'll post the punchline later .,0,en
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.,0,en
my boyfriend has just got a job as a light switch engineer. its really turned me on,0,en
How do you get a magician off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza,1,en
What's the difference between a child and a pizza? Pizza don't talk when its eaten,1,en
"two cows are sitting in a bath tub . one asks , "" hey can you pass the soap? "" the other replies , "" no soap , radio """,1,en
"I love my electric toothbrush, but sometimes I just have to break out the acoustic.",1,en
How did the toad feel in the morning? A little bit froggy,0,en
can bees fly in the rain? not without their little yellow jackets !,0,en
"my roommate is a chemistry major, and plays the organ threedots one could say that he's an organic chemist .",1,en
"Organised a threesome last night There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.",1,en
what is the main cause of divorce? marriage .,1,en
a man walks into a zoo threedots but there is only a dog. it's a shih tzu,0,en
"I screamed, ""Doctor, doctor!! I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me!"" He replied calmly...  ""Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!""",0,en
what does a playboy magazine and a model t ford have in common? these days they're both hard to come by .,1,en
my computer is frozen. unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem,0,en
i've just been to the hospital where the doctor told me my dna was backwards. and ?,0,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bones ! Bones who? Bones upon a time... !,0,en
Good news for insomniacs! Only one more sleep until Christmas,0,en
"When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel. I Kant Handel.",1,en
I've got a job as part of a human chess board...  I'm on knights this week...,0,en
"a man is flying on a plane lady flight attendant : hello , would you like some headphones? man : yeah i would , but how did you know my name was phones",1,en
What did the sand say as the tide came in ? Hey ! Long time no sea.,0,en
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started they emit noxious odours and half the time they don't work.,0,en
how do birds learn to fly? they just wing it .,1,en
"bert and ernie bert asked ernie if he would like any ice cream. ernie replied "" sure bert """,0,en
roses on your piano what's better than roses on your piano? tulips on your organ .,1,en
What do you get when you cross a millipede with a parrot? A Walkie Talkie,0,en
Home made honey mustard! I have a beehive full of bees trained to eat mustard ... and that is what comes out,0,en
why can't truck drivers ever fully retire? because they can only semi retire .,1,en
Stevie Wonder still owes me money He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me,1,en
"Penn State has taken down the statue of Joe Paterno. However, they have opted to leave his name on the library, as a reminder to stay quiet",1,en
"barista : can i get your name ? me : lisa barista : pizza ? me : yeah, that's fine .",0,en
What do you call a pushy aquatic mammal? Press'n Seal,1,en
Why did the blind man use chopsticks? Because he couldn't see the point in forks.,1,en
"when the mechanic said i ' blew a seal ', i was afraid he knew about that summer i worked at sea world but it turns out it's some car thing .",1,en
What do you call a woman who lost alot of babies? Ms. Carriage,1,en
what's the difference between the wind and a blonde? some days the wind doesn't blow .,0,en
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed!,1,en
What's a hipster's favorite kind of cigarette? Yours.,0,en
"a woman asked me if i had a cigarette . "" yes threedots "" i said , "" but what about your baby? "" she said , "" oh no . he doesn't smoke . """,1,en
Pete and Repete are in a boat and Pete falls out. Who's left?,0,en
"My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.",1,en
I sat down and watched this movie with Nicolas Cage the other day. We talked through the whole movie and he is actually a pretty cool guy,0,en
No one celebrates women's day on the streets why? They are all busy in the kitchen,1,en
"Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?",0,en
"Let's name him something that will make children smile ""How about Santa? "" Ok but let's add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him",0,en
"if your sandwiches were made with the end wonder bread slices, you weren't their favorite child .",1,en
What do you call someone who doesn't like The Simpsons? A Homerphobe! LOL! Just made that up!,0,en
What do you call a special Ed brawl? Mashed potatoes,1,en
tight pants what do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? no ballroom .,1,en
What is a down syndrome person's favourite Web browser? Google Chromosome. ,0,en
what do you call it when batman leaves church early? a christian bail,1,en
"How often do fantasy stories tell a joke? Once, upon a time.",1,en
What happens when you get a lot of electroshocks within a short period of time? It hertz.,0,en
what's better than cheese? a cheese grater,0,en
"I got athlete's foot. I don't even work out, so I was flattered",1,en
""" why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals? "" i said , and the other patients in the er agreed .",1,en
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs did the also go up,0,en
"My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway",1,en
"my friend's in a wheelchair and he acts like he's the toughest guy around. he can talk the talk , but threedots",0,en
What do you call a retired miner? Doug.,1,en
What do you call an important Australian? A significunt,1,en
Q: What do college students and deer have in common? A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.,0,en
Have you seen the movie about a lone piece of graph paper? The plot was a bit scattered.,0,en
What sound does an Italian American microwave make? Bada bing!,0,en
Why did the groupie let the percussionist come over? He promised he wouldn't drum in her house.,1,en
"Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed",0,en
What did the jigsaw puzzle win the nobel prize for? Piece.,1,en
Where do Mathematicians sail? Indices.,1,en
i went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese. it was g rated,0,en
My brother was my favorite vegetable After the car accident,1,en
"doctor : "" hey , how are you? "" patient : "" i am good "" doctor : "" ok . next . """,1,en
"i'm quite lazy, so i use my toes to pick things up from the ground threedots threedots you could say my feet come pretty handy .",0,en
"before college i didn't have a degree , or money , or any idea what i was doing with my life. but now i have a degree",1,en
how tall does the grass grow in germany? nein feet tall .,1,en
I think lamps are my favorite furniture. They're always brightening up my day,1,en
"Life is about changing perspectives and priorities...  I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don't care if they both are...",1,en
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.,1,en
What's Pamela Andersons favorite soda? Hepsi!,0,en
What's a specimen? A Spanish astronaut,1,en
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs,0,en
A couple of cats and dogs were seen wearing crowns. I think they're reigning cats and dogs,1,en
what's the worst part about eating out a grandma? have you ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich,1,en
"I entered a contest for short people, and lost. I guess I was overlooked",1,en
quick! i need cheesy science jokes,0,en
What can both Christians and Atheists agree on about Jesus? Kanye's not him.,1,en
"What did Meghan Trainor say when she got mugged? Please sir, I don't want any treble.",0,en
You know which singer really cut the mustard? Celine Dijon,0,en
Just saw Juice Wrld at his funeral in a casket Guess you could call that a juice box,0,en
"why is the force like duct tape? it has a dark side , a light side , and it holds the universe together .",1,en
"patient : oh doctor, i'm just so nervous . this is my first operation . doctor : don't worry . mine too .",0,en
A girlfriend of mine was a psychic. we broke up before we met,1,en
Referring to people as individuals isn't accurate. I can divide them,1,en
"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?",1,en
"i like the idea of almond milk, but then i can't get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut .",1,en
"a guy tries to save someone's life threedots he goes to donate blood , but he decided not to. the doctor told him it would be in vein",0,en
what do you call a suicidal cat? curiosity .,1,en
"I'd like to see a world without plagerism You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.",0,en
"a snail was mugged by two turtles . when the police asked him what happened, he said "" i don't know . it all happened so fast . """,1,en
Don't ever try taking off a penguin's little tuxedo. All that's under there is a dead penguin,0,en
Have you heard the original version of Stevie Wonder's hit song? I just called to say.....I found the phone,0,en
Why are Reebok Pumps shoes so expensive? Inflation.,1,en
"Why are catholic priests called father? Because ""daddy"" would be too obvious.",1,en
Why does Mr. Potato have a mobile phone?  Just in case Mr Onion rings...,0,en
why did the mouse whisper into the elephant's ear? the giraffe put him up to it .,1,en
I was really enjoying the high definition graphics on the new Call of Duty game Then I realized I was watching the Christchurch video,1,en
Why did Stephen Hawkings die? His wheelchair ran out of batteries.,0,en
i like australian kisses. they're just like french kisses but down under,1,en
q : what do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? a : everyone is happy when the case is closed .,0,en
respect your parents. they did school without google or wikipedia,0,en
"My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant",1,en
i need to buy a new inflatable love doll. the one i have now is almost full,0,en
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops,0,en
"How do you call a pesron, that doesn't read words right? You. You read ''Person'' wrong.",1,en
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat! My comment: So was the Titanic.,0,en
"I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them! to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on",0,en
The turbaned man goes to the doctor... And the doctor asks his symptoms. He says he's sikh and in pain.,1,en
What's the best way to eat vegetables? Wheelchair first.,0,en
"what's your favorite genre of music? "" not metal . """,1,en
Who is a penguin's favorite relative? His Aunt Arctica,0,en
"what did one hat say to the other hat? you stay here , i'll go on ahead",1,en
What's the difference between me and my therapist? The space between the e and the r,1,en
"What did the dash say when he failed his exam? ""I underscored.""",1,en
"When I spanked my TV it stopped being noisy, but I guess it's the other way round with dishwashers.",1,en
I would make an alliance of agnostics. but I'm not sure how I feel about that,1,en
What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart? Mind the GAAP.,1,en
"I bet the butcher he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf, but he saidthe steaks were too high.",0,en
i always close the door to the bathroom even if i'm home alone . what if someone broke in and saw me peeing? that would be so embarrassing,1,en
Whats the perfect place for bible in the library? Fiction,0,en
how did the pillsbury dough boy die? a yeast infection,0,en
"without context , where would we be? joke is the title . if you don't get it , think about it a bit .",1,en
A cow once saved my life. I guess you could call it Bovine Intervention,1,en
How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.,1,en
"I've just seen the best street magician ever. He tore his shirt open, screamed ""Allahu Akbar"" and made himself and thirty other people disappear.",1,en
At which event do disabled athletes compete? The Limpics,1,en
"My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women. He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front",1,en
"what would jesus do? today , take mary out to olive garden .",0,en
"My girlfriend got her period last night while she was sleeping. In other news, I have a Japanese flag for sale now",1,en
what do you call a boat with a hole? a sink .,1,en
"dear lord , i thank you for these noodles i am about to eat. ramen",0,en
Men of reddit. What is the first thing you do post nut I personally like to close the bible,0,en
"just remember that whatever you put up with, you end up with .",0,en
What do you call a butterfly with no wings? A caterpillar ,1,en
What's a wrestling chef's signature move? A Soufflex,1,en
"waiter : your honor, when i said "" enjoy your meal "" he said "" you too "" me : it was a mistake judge : he gets half your meal w : thanks j : you too",1,en
Music producers are basically like a pizza business. They both make their dough from mixers.,1,en
Definition Of A Kiss What Is A Kiss? Answer: Its An Inquiry At The Top Floor Regarding The Vacancy In The Ground Floor.,1,en
What's an old woman taste like? Depends ...,0,en
"i don't want to brag, but when i take my clothes off threedots the shower gets turned on .",0,en
"Darkness is picking up... Cotton, that is",1,en
"gotta ove Valentines Day roses are red, violets are blue, I'm not a good poet,. you're hot",0,en
What currency do they use in outer space?  Starbucks,0,en
"How many sandwiches Should a woman make, before she becomes a woman?",1,en
what is something that cannot lift off the ground? your career,0,en
"bert walks up to ernie and asks , "" ernie , you want some ice cream? "" ernie says , "" sure , bert ! """,0,en
So many fun things to say. too many relatives on Facebook to post,0,en
"please , keep talking. i always yawn when i am interested",0,en
"Humans: Lives Chadwick Boseman: ""We dont do that here""",1,en
Why are polar bears so good in conversations? Because they live on broken ice.,1,en
I've become quite independent since my wife left. I just put my second load of washing through the microwave,1,en
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost. Fasten your sheet belt,0,en
started my matrix algebra class a few months ago threedots i'm really confused so far. when do we learn about neo ?,0,en
Is Billie Eilish a boy or girl? Dishwasher,1,en
Smartphones are a lot like instant coffee. They're both good 'till the last drop,1,en
My friend saw Stevie Wonder walking down the street when she went to California! I don't think he saw her though...,0,en
"If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, then why can't he fix my marriage",0,en
i finally figured out the secret to click bait. it is to repost the title every week,0,en
When Santa's in your room... ...can you sense his presents?,0,en
What do you call a one legged female pirate? ARRRRlene...,1,en
What's the difference between a newborn and a grapefruit? Newborns rot slower in a fridge.,1,en
what do you get when you mix pie and onions? opinions !,1,en
"i heard today that stevie wonder was getting a divorce, so sad he didn't even see it coming .",0,en
"What's the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe? A tragedy is when a boat full of immigrants sinks, a catastrophe is when all of them can swim.",1,en
"i just read a book on stockholm syndrome threedots at first it was pretty bad, but by the end i kinda liked it .",0,en
"what is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? the dishes , if she knows what's good for her .",1,en
What do you call a potato with no limbs? An amputater,1,en
What does RoboCop use for fuel? Petroleum,1,en
Why can't the band Def Leppard make music anymore? They all lost their hearing,1,en
"trying to think of a funny good friday joke, i really want to nail it .",0,en
That moment when you Bottom text,0,en
"A vegetable walks into a bar. Just kidding, he'll never walk again",0,en
"I name photos of me stroking animals in files called ""Fireworks and big dogs. jpg"" so my cats won't find them on my computer",0,en
new job in call center i got a new job with the local suicide hotline. i tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it,1,en
What type of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood,0,en
What disease do basement dweller mosquitos give you? M'laria,1,en
"""No! Don't go into the church! Nooo!"" ""Honey, what movie are you watching? "" ""Our wedding video.""",0,en
sir isaac newton died a virgin. the gravity of this situation,1,en
Women are like buses. very few will let you come in through the back door,1,en
"don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem",0,en
i was blind for a while after eye surgery. those were dark times,1,en
i have a friend with only one leg. he's been having some issues with stares,1,en
"Why did Faraday shop at the discount bird cage store? Because of their great buy one, get one free of charge deals.",1,en
I still remember the look on my wife's face when I ran her over... She looked like a dear in headlights.,0,en
Why did the superconductor eat all the pudding? It couldn't resist.,1,en
"hey reddit, what are your favorite jokes ?",0,en
how does a female deer get revenge on her cheating husband? she goes into town and blows a few bucks !,0,en
What's the difference between videogames and my wife? I don't cheat on videogames.,0,en
I joined a forum with down syndrome Top posts are downvoted,0,en
what happens when you turn on a computer? you turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk,0,en
have you ever noticed that in a pack of biscuits there are always broken ones? i don't know why they even bother putting them in .,1,en
"Feeling sad because my hamster died. Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days",1,en
What do you call a fish with no eyes It's still called a fish,1,en
"A man has dinner at a chinese restaurant The man says to the chef: ""Gee, this steak is rubbery!"" And the chef replies ""thank you very much!""",1,en
What do Santa and Michal Jackson have in common Both of their sacks are empty when they leave the orphanage,1,en
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do? Find the nearest skyscraper.,1,en
"As technology gets lighter, thinner, and faster. People get heavier, thicker, and slower",1,en
What do you call it when plants bang? Floral sex.,1,en
how do you get the water in a watermelon? plant it in the spring .,0,en
"""Don't know if this fits here.. said the priest when shoving in""",0,en
What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock? Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.,1,en
"ladies : if a man approaches you and he's wearing crocs , hold perfectly still. their vision is based off movement",1,en
"If at first you don't succeed, you're assembling furniture from IKEA.",1,en
I have been working on some jokes about Parkinson's disease. But the punch lines are all a bit shakey at best,1,en
what do you say to simba if he's walking too slow? mufasa .,0,en
Why didn't the cellphone attend the wedding? He heard the reception was going to be terrible...,0,en
How do you explain a man birthing a baby? Taco bell for lunch,0,en
Jared from subway. He'll be getting used to a new style of footlong HIYOO,0,en
What did God say before chucking a helicopter into the ground? Kobe!,0,en
my boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together. i totally nailed it,1,en
how do you communicate with a fish? you drop him a line .,1,en
why did little timmy fall off his bike? because someone threw a canoe at him !,0,en
""" hey , i finally watched that movie you've been wanting me to see threedots "" "" oh , so you finally saw back to the future? "" "" sure did ! "" "" it's about time ! """,0,en
Mariah Carey'a New Year's performance. That's it,0,en
"High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway",1,en
What is difference between Anne Frank and James Charles? James Charles came out of the closet alive.,0,en
Do you know why snowflakes and people are the same? They both melt if you get them hot enough.,0,en
"Breaking news. The news truck has split in half, our traffic report website is down, and the studio seems to be having trouble with this sound system",1,en
I feel jealous of my coworker who bought a giant house. mostly because there are more places he can avoid his wife and kids,0,en
"A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. ""Yes, they're right behind you.""",1,en
"VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You'll like it. Much better than last year. GIRL: It isn't another ear is it, Vince? VAN GOGH: what",0,en
What do you call an extraterrestrial cetacean? A Whalien.,1,en
what does happy meal and a lonely girl have in common? they both come with a toy in the box .,1,en
I was going to make a joke about Kobe... But I knew it wouldn't land well.,0,en
"if a blonde and a brunette jump off a bridge , who would hit the ground first? the brunette , the blonde would stop for directions !",0,en
What's an American kids least favorite element? Lead.,0,en
if a farmer raises wheat in dry weather what does he raise in wet weather? an umbrella .,1,en
Sailors really want to be cool. But they're just naut,1,en
As I get older and continue to meet new people. I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing,1,en
"math is like my parenting. i do it when i have to , but i'm not great at it",1,en
What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing you just run away!,0,en
""" i "" before "" e "", except after "" c "" . that's an efficient rule . very efficient . yep threedots efficient .",0,en
Just came into a HUGH sum of money. I'm an ant and its a penny,0,en
I like my girls like I like my cars Young and quick,0,en
My grandpa once said getting a girl pregnant was like locking your keys in the car..  If you can't fix it with a coat hanger use a crowbar.,0,en
I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had. Sometimes I wish she'd stayed in Latvia,0,en
"What did the captain of the Titanic say? ""I'm nominating all passengers for the ice bucket challenge""",1,en
I have found that there are three kinds of people; Those who can count and those who can't.,0,en
"kid : i want to give grandpa tickets to a michael jackson show! dad : you can't , he's been dead for years now , and so is michael jackson .",0,en
Why are there no movie nights at an orphanage? Most movies are rated PG.,0,en
Girlfriends home alone Her: Come over Me: Cant I'm having threesome Her: But my parents arent home Me: About that...,0,en
"when my wife came home with a puppy , i knew better than to question her. she's the chef , after all",1,en
"wife : do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast? me : "" or """,1,en
I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he's had in his life. he started to count and he fell asleep,0,en
What did Walter White teach? Advanced methematics.,1,en
"why is that cotton candy talking? grandma , that's nicki minaj .",0,en
What was the old man in despair about? Nothing.,0,en
What happens when two oxen bump into each other? You have an oxident.,0,en
how do you define a farmer? someone that's outstanding in their field .,1,en
What's the most played song at Amish parties? Churn Down For What,1,en
"why are french guns the best to buy? they've never been fired , and only dropped once .",1,en
I visited a rabbit farm It was a hare raising experience ,0,en
Why are there fences around cemeteries? people are dying to get in.,1,en
How does the Pope get around New York City? Mass Transit!,1,en
What's the name of the scared sky diver? Hugo First,0,en
"I once made an apathetic club. No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though",1,en
why do grandparents have so many clocks? so they won't run out of time,1,en
what's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money .,1,en
I'm rich beyond my wildest dream. Too bad my dreams were never too wild,0,en
him : i won't bore you with the details. me : too late for that,0,en
What is a businessman's favorite game? Call of Duty: Economic Warfare,1,en
What is the only law that Hillary obeys? The law of gravity,1,en
What travels down an alley and has holes in it? A bowling ball. Or Bruce Wayne's parents.,0,en
Why are gas giants always so happy? Because they're all jovial.,1,en
People with polio might have weak limbs But they have iron lungs!,0,en
"crisis in the morning, crisis in the evening, crisis at suppertime. in an indifferent universe, you can have an existential crisis anytime!",0,en
I always wondered why are cars from Mercedes and BMW named with numbers instead of names... But then I realized that has always been a German thing,1,en
a horse moved next door to me yesterday. i heard that they make good neighbors,1,en
"if moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day ?",1,en
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They share the same middle name.,1,en
why was the banker bored? because he lost interest in everything .,1,en
even better than breakfast cereal: lunch cereal and dinner cereal .,1,en
Why should you never start a fight with an altar boy? Because they grew up around hard men.,1,en
What's Santas favorite band? Sleigher.,0,en
"The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. When the instructor said, ""Compile,"" Gomer went to the head of the class",1,en
"i know some cheesy jokes threedots but they're not very gouda, and some have a few holes in them .",0,en
What's a businessman's favourite dessert? Profiteroles!,0,en
What is worth the minor inconvenience? The minor's inconvenience.,0,en
"you know what they say about amnesia threedots no , really. do you know ?",0,en
"""Everything the light touches is ours, "" I tell my son while opening the fridge.",1,en
"once in your life, you'll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it .",0,en
"If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?",1,en
What's the opposite of a boomerang? My dad.,1,en
"Just started my Vegan diet. They're a bit chewy, but better than kale",1,en
you need some more fuel for that fire? cause i got some wood for you right here .,0,en
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings,1,en
"how do two psychiatrists greet each other ? "" you are fine, how am i ? """,1,en
"Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it's still right here",0,en
What is guaranteed to last an hour? The Pope Cumming.,0,en
"i heard today is world alzheimer's day sorry, i just forgot .",0,en
Brown Bell What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duuunnnggg,0,en
never mistake my silence for weakness. no one plans a murder out loud,1,en
"If they somehow magically ever discover another part of the reproductive system, they should name it after Prince",1,en
"When I lived on the street, I always wanted to become a plumber, get a home, and run a business. But that was just a pipe dream",1,en
"What does a member of the British Royal Family say when they are reaching climax? ""I""m arriving, I'm arriving.""",1,en
my girlfriend and i broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs. she didn't believe i was god,1,en
"I recently joined a group for ambidextrous people. It didn't feel right, so I left",1,en
What do STDs and antiques have in common? They both pass through my family.,1,en
"waiter: what would you like to order, sir? me: a naked salad, please. waiter: ... me: you know, no dressing.",1,en
Teacher: What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm? Girl: Apollo neck jumpers,1,en
What do you call two doctors with the same career? Pair of medics.,1,en
Why couldn't Beethoven find his music teacher? He was Haydn,1,en
"how come nobody tells "" nacho "" jokes anymore? they're too cheesy .",1,en
Tired of an oily face? Let USA know.,0,en
What do Popeye's fingers smell like? Olive oil.,0,en
"what did one ocean say to the other ocean? nothing , they just waved at each other .",1,en
why are false teeth like stars? because they come out at night .,1,en
"If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves? They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.",1,en
Breaking: Microsoft announces the Monkees catalog now available on Zune.,0,en
"The child with cancer asked the nurse ""Will you visit me when I leave hospital?"" The nurse replied ""sorry I don't like visiting cemeteries.""",1,en
why wasn't the canadian scared at the movie theater? he knew nunavut was real .,1,en
"i see that you have graph paper, you must be plotting something .",0,en
My girlfriend says I have a sharp tongue. But I think she's just menstruating,1,en
Where did the newlywed horses stay? In the bridle suite!,0,en
let make new sub we makk new sub,0,en
"Have you heard about the Beauty and the Beast sequel where they fix up the Beast's house? It's a tale as old as time, a song of mold and grime.",0,en
where do sick boats go? the dock,1,en
"bathrooms have changed from being a singing studio, to a photo studio .",1,en
what bait do you use to catch a space fish? a worm hole,1,en
What kind of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies,1,en
"Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser... ""...excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?""",1,en
Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit? An exhorsist!,0,en
where does the army keep fish? in a tank .,1,en
i came up with a great joke about a boomerang but i forgot it. i'm sure it'll come back to me,1,en
"Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on",0,en
men are like vacuum cleaners. they're not much fun but at least you get to push them around,1,en
What's red and rusty? Madeleine Mccann's bicycle.,0,en
lately i've started telling tree jokes. i think it's time to branch out,1,en
"Excuse me... I don't need any money, just a moment of your time. ""Sorry, time is the one thing that I don't have"" Then money then?",0,en
"it seems like every year i wind up eating leftovers from thanksgiving until weeks afterwards. not this year though , i'm quitting cold turkey",1,en
"the voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas !",0,en
What do you call a scale that always resets itself to zero? Tareable,1,en
What do the really fast ducks say? Quick,0,en
"""Hacker"" simply means ""a person who is skilled with computers."" To describe a computer criminal, use ""Linux user.""",1,en
What do you call an orange with a telescope? A satzoomer.,1,en
Who was the hottest girl on tinder in the Middle Ages? Joan of Arc.,0,en
What would twitch.tv's mafia be called? El Kappa,1,en
She became a teacher to make a difference in kids lives. the difference of not being a virgin,1,en
How do people with Mesothelioma live their lives? Asbestos they can.,1,en
What is brown all around and looks good on a motorcyclist? A coffin.,0,en
Love is one long sweet dream. and marriage is the alarm clock,0,en
why did the farmer take a bale of hay to bed? he wanted to feed his nightmares .,1,en
What does someone who steals a Tesla wear? an Elon Mask.,1,en
Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of his feet brown? So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut butter.,0,en
what do reindeer say before telling you a joke? this one will sleigh you !,0,en
I'm a dog groomer And I just got furloughed,0,en
"Well, you know what they say about nice guys... ..they always let girls come first.",0,en
What do you call the mineral found in teeth and tooth enamel? Apatite.,1,en
Whatever happened to silk underwear? A: Fell through the cracks.,0,en
"i'm worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post .",0,en
Why can't moccasins play the blues? They've got no sole.,1,en
Is there some kind of platonic version of Tinder? Asking for a friend.,0,en
What do you call a wheelchair on fire? Hot Wheels.,1,en
In a group friends when you laugh you will always look at the person you like the most. Thats why I always sit next to a mirror,1,en
"I was so poor as a kid, we only had Onepac Shakur.",1,en
"What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap? He said ""Sure! I could loan some Dove"".",1,en
Why doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.,0,en
Why can kangaroos jump higher than a house? Because a house can't jump.,1,en
"How did the founding fathers of Canada name there country? They drew letters from a hat. ""A 'C' eh! An 'N' eh! A 'D' eh!"" they cried",1,en
I'd be able to find affordable glasses. In an eye deal world,1,en
What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.,1,en
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods. But it's harder to deter gents,1,en
"As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete... Nothing dentured, nothing gained!",0,en
I tried changing my Facebook profile to the tricolour French flag. but I preferred the traditional All White French Flag,1,en
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.,1,en
"The difference between Sean Connery and a Silica Tetrahedron One's an ionic bond, the other's an iconic Bond.",1,en
What do prisons and abortions have in common? Both are just a bunch of cells and some people think there is potential in them,1,en
"I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a ""hauntingly beautiful blonde lady""",1,en
"girl to boy . girl : what's up? boy : if i tell you , will you sit on it",0,en
What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater? A pull over.,1,en
"how to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely? "" oh boy i am bored lets brush our teeth """,1,en
I told my Chinese friend to take care of my dog When I asked for my dog back he gave me a bowl of soup,1,en
"Physics Joke I tried having a threeway with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three body problem",1,en
What was the chef's excuse for missing homework? He didn't have enough thyme,0,en
I'm visually impaired... Don't really see how this is relevant to this sub.,0,en
What's a Japanese persons favorite type of mushroom A mushroom cloud,1,en
"if you say "" guess who died? "" with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry .",1,en
Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning? .....have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese,0,en
what did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge? don't do it ! you have potential !,0,en
There are two types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from an incomplete set of data,1,en
"When it comes to the topic of body dysmorphia and gender assumptions, i'm not a fan. Infact I identify more closely to an air conditioning unit",1,en
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!,0,en
What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church? A visitor.,1,en
what's green and invisible? this cabbage,0,en
"there's no time like the present . or later . later on is pretty similar, actually .",0,en
How much does Male to Female surgery cost? About a third of your salary. ,1,en
what's green and hangs from trees? elephant snot . funniest part is seeing people's reaction when you tell it .,0,en
"Commercial for elbows: A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. ""Why did I go with the cheap arms? !"" Narrator: ""Elbows""",1,en
"It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.",0,en
when does sean connery usually arrive at wimbledon? tennish .,1,en
"A blonde sees a another blonde across a lake and asks ""How do I get to the other side? "" the other blonde replies... ""You are on the other side"".",1,en
They called for help so I came Nothing gets me more excited than women screaming desperately,1,en
Your parent's house: a place where even bad photos find their way into frames.,0,en
"don't blame me for acting like a baby, i was born that way .",0,en
What's the difference between a DJ and a gynecologist ? None : they both work where others have fun.,1,en
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny,1,en
why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery? they had no leads .,1,en
What does The Black Death and Infinity War have in common? One thing destroyed half of everything,0,en
What does kanye west eat for breakfast? an omlette you finish.,0,en
What's the worst kind of joke? The ones that aren't funny,1,en
If the people you meet on the streets are complete strangers Does this make crippled people you meet incomplete strangers?,1,en
What does a pescatarian librarian eat when they're hungry for a little snack? Microfiche.,1,en
"I witnessed a murder in China and was asking the relatives for his name but all they were saying was ""Ho Lee Fook""",1,en
what's that movie about the girl who forgets adam sandler every day? i want to know her secret,0,en
If I cook an autistic chicken Can I call it a special recipe,1,en
What do bacteria eat for breakfast? prokaryoats,1,en
"hearing a joke is like chasing a puppy with a club, eventually you get it .",0,en
"The British are making a monument out of rocks to Harry Potter's author When finished, it'll be called the Rowling Stones.",1,en
i start my new job in seoul next week. i thought it was a good korea move,1,en
who are the hamburgers favourite people? vegetarians !,0,en
Why can't you trick a fetus? It wasn't born yesterday,0,en
"What goes ""Vroom!..screech..Vroom!..screech""? A blonde at a flashing red light.",0,en
Why are priests called father? Because it will get too suspicious if we call them DADDY.,1,en
I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song,0,en
It's gonna be tough for Brad Pitt to start dating again. Everybody knows Tomb Raider sequels are terrible,0,en
how does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb? well many how,1,en
Why does Gordon Ramsay hate cryogenic chambers? Because all the vegetables are frozen,1,en
What's the difference between a dove and a swallow? Your mom didn't dove half the guys in the US,0,en
what was the last thing that went through Jane Wicker's mind? The Ground.,0,en
why is your mother like the universe? they both create gravity waves when they bang .,0,en
"Dear Adobe, In all the times I've been to the circus I've never seen an Acrobat Reading.",0,en
So Kanye had another kid. He named it Wild Wild,0,en
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well. except when it rains,1,en
"what do you call people that you hate? clouds , because once they are gone it's a beautiful day .",1,en
why did michael jackson have such a private life? he wasn't nosey .,1,en
I loved playing the silent game in elementary school Means they can't say no,1,en
With great reflexes... Comes great response ability.,1,en
i just want to be wealthy enough to fill a swimming pool with puppies. a lot of puppies are going to die but i think it will be worth it,1,en
"My wife asks me to bring her unmentionables up from the laundry. ""Thanks, hon"", she says. Me: ""Don't mention it""",1,en
"Korean response to Dogs Wearing Pantyhose, A Popular New Meme in China They look delicious. I mean cute",1,en
I just opened a shop called Beatbox. We only sell boots n cats,0,en
How many French words has the Turkish language recently adopted? Beaucoup.,1,en
If life gives you melons. Check for dyslexia,0,en
what does the date inside of a wedding ring stand for? best before threedots,0,en
Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts? Coz noble gases got no reactions! Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.,0,en
"It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.",0,en
I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream. Sundae School,1,en
asked the librarian for a book on the female g spot. he couldn't find it,0,en
name a bird which doesn't lay eggs? any male bird,1,en
"yesterday a bird crashed into my window threedots threedots of course that's what i was willing it to do, so everything worked out great .",0,en
Why did the fisherman decide to go fishing? For the halibut.,1,en
i asked my husband : how are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee? he replied threedots threedots it's hard,0,en
"My friend asks me, ""What rhymes with orange?"" I said, ""No it doesn't.""",1,en
"wife : um , why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling : no idea .",0,en
"no matter how tired one is, put a computer in front of them and they can stay awake .",0,en
Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they're so easy to catch!,0,en
According to science. Apaprnlety hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmnlig snetnecse,1,en
"i live in fear of my kids going outside when it's raining, because they could get wet and multiply .",1,en
I would tell a joke about cancer But the joke would've flatlined,1,en
You are the answer to my prayers... You're not what I prayed for. But you're the answer to my prayers.,0,en
"Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery",1,en
i went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. this is not how exercise is supposed to work,1,en
why couldn't the physicist understand how boats work? he thought nothing could possibly travel faster than sea .,1,en
"why was there a whale in wales in a well? we're not sure , its a deep subject threedots",0,en
What do you call getting a ride from a person with gender dysphoria? TRANSportation,1,en
"Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site. until the mods wake up",0,en
Did you hear about Michael Jordan's commercial career? It was brief.,1,en
What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal !,1,en
A grandmother fell down. What does Freddy Mercury do? He gives her AID,1,en
"The day my wife found out she was pregnant, everything changed. My name, my phone number, my address, and my country of residence",0,en
What do you get when you give a wizard wireless earbuds? Airy Podder,0,en
I got what you want baby five and a half inches of love.,0,en
"teacher : whoever answers my next question , can go home one boy throws his bag out the window . teacher : who just threw that? boy : me and i'm going home now .",0,en
A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth. He didn't live to tell the tail,1,en
What will Russians be cooking for Thanksgiving...? Turkey,1,en
My buddy went to a Halloween party as Jesus on the cross. Everyone said he pretty much nailed it,1,en
"I'm so down on my luck right now, that I can't even afford to change out light bulbs when they burn out. Things don't look so bright",1,en
What do you call the gingerbread man's ghetto cousin? The wonderbread man.,1,en
"make love to a woman's mind, and her body will follow in kind",0,en
whats the difference threedots between a hormone and and enzyme? you cant hear an enzyme .,0,en
I recently got so excited shopping online. I accidentally shipped my pants,0,en
It was odd seeing pecan logs at the grocery store. because I usually don't get the logs until after I eat the pecans,1,en
"While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.",1,en
What do you get when you turn over a little boy? A little girl,0,en
what fish tastes great with peanut butter? jellyfish,1,en
Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest? He wanted to see that booty bounce.,0,en
"my boss : "" sean , what do you know about twitter ? "" me : "" nothing. why ? what have you heard ? """,1,en
I still say a wasp's nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody's hanging around in there,1,en
"What has two legs, crawles and leaves a red trail behind? Half of dog ",1,en
"the chef at my local chinese restaurant had a nasty fall at work , and was so badly injured he had to give up his job. he'll never wok again",1,en
"someone once told me "" if you love something , set it free "". i told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement",1,en
What's the difference between a dead kid and a guitar? that I don't have the guitar.,1,en
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose,1,en
What do you call a bread place that doesn't make any money? A Naanprofit!,1,en
"Pros are good and cons are bad, so. What's the opposite of constitution",1,en
"Hey John, we expend every night together watching the moon and the stars. What we are? We are security guards Peter!",0,en
"what do two owl brothers say when they are carrying something? to me , to hoo .",0,en
"So, you don't like hypothermia? All the cool kids are getting it.",0,en
What's the easiest place to get a degree in art? Germany,1,en
"What do kids and scales have in common? There isn't always somebody on top of them, but, when there is, it's always bigger than them",1,en
What do you call it when a Catholic remodels his kitchen? A counter reformation.,1,en
What's the difference between Ethiopian food and American food? One exists.,1,en
"My buddy the hacker took the quiz ""What Beatles song best describes your life. "" The answer he got: ""My Way""",1,en
why did the redditor cross the subreddit? to recycle a joke from the other side .,1,en
What do you call a crushed angle? A rektangle.,1,en
They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug,0,en
Lion King joke Q: Why is Simba an orphan? A: Because his dad couldn't Mufasa 'nuff,0,en
"google won't search for chuck norris because it knows you don't find chuck norris, he finds you .",0,en
your call is important to us. please continue to hold until your battery is dead,0,en
just saw a coyote next to the highway. i hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on,0,en
If I had a piece of bread for every gender I could make a sandwich,1,en
"Cause of death is still a mystery. Authorities haven't ruled out foul play, after finding prince at the scene",1,en
is chicken soup good for your health? not if you're the chicken !,0,en
"Today I beat cancer It felt so good, finally I can relax... But wait, I can still hear her screaming. Guess one beating wasn't enough.",0,en
Turns out today is Star Wars day. May the fourth be with you,0,en
How did the shy person turn to stone? By becoming a little bolder.,1,en
What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager.,1,en
what did one bruise say to the other? Have a swell day,1,en
Biggest Jewish community in Germany Is in the atmosphere ,1,en
"I must be ill I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst",0,en
"interviewer : "" why do you want to be a librarian? "" me : "" i like telling people to be quiet . """,1,en
why do elephants have four feet? because six inches would never satisfy a female elephant .,1,en
"This girl said ""she didn't know how I would take it. "" So I figured if anything I'd just give it back",1,en
I seared steaks in our home without adequate ventilation. Now there's a delightful and very visible meat cloud hanging over us,1,en
"if at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you .",0,en
"but your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos",0,en
how did the farmer find his girlfriend? he tractor !,0,en
did you hear about the man who bought a dolphin? he didn't want to live life without a porpoise !,0,en
Gandalf gave me a test. I didn't pass,1,en
mother to daughter advice : cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend,0,en
why did the woman throw the stick of butter out the window? to watch the butterfly,1,en
what is a british person's favorite cereal? cheerios . say it in a british accent,1,en
what does the dentist of the year get? threedots a little plaque .,0,en
If you think about it special Ed teachers are just overplayed farmers They spend all there day growing vegetables,1,en
"I'm unclear on that of which you speak. Please elaborate, Willis",0,en
"wife : so , is elon musk an alien from another galaxy? me : nah , an alien would have a name made of random human sounds . wait",0,en
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So they can Scan da navy in,1,en
"What is yellow, fluffy, and hides your slippers? A Labrador Deceiver.",0,en
what's the similarity between hellen keller and a sad pirate? neither of them got to sea !,0,en
What do you call a Jedi who worries about not making deadlines? Panickin' Skywalker.,1,en
why did the twins have twice as many shirts as pants? because they shared genes !,0,en
why couldn't you trust the king of the jungle? he was a lion .,0,en
"Two cookies were walking across the road... ... one gets hit by a car, the other one says ""ah crumbs...""",1,en
What do you call a Pumpkin who eats too much? A Plumpkin.,1,en
what do you do if an elephant comes through your window? start swimming,0,en
which technique does a gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? the bear hug !,1,en
What is a surfer guy's favorite horror movie? Saw duude!,0,en
A couple of friends got a job working security at the local cell phone dealer. They're now the guardians of the Galaxy.,1,en
The only good part about choking to death on Teddy Grahams is your family can technically say you were killed by bears. Which sounds cool,0,en
"In Dubai, they don't show The Flintstones But Abu Dhabi do",1,en
What did the baby light bulb say to it's mommy? I wuv you watts and watts!,0,en
How do you know Little Miss Muffet was a bodybuilder? She was always eating her curds and whey.,1,en
"if you just got invited to do something on new year's eve, it means someone else cancelled .",0,en
why does a german always have the last laugh? he has to wait for the verb .,1,en
what do you call someone who points out the obvious? someone who points out the obvious,1,en
what is the point of owning a fish? they are just furniture with the ability to die .,1,en
"Had a threesome with Bill Cosby Unlike the woman we were with, it was a night I'll never forget.",0,en
"a good friend doesn't just make you smile, they make you happy .",0,en
What do you can a pessimistic antelope? A cantaloupe,1,en
"Why do they call Hannibal Lecter ""The Mail Man""? He always delivers.",1,en
How does good deodorant smell? Odorable.,1,en
What did the Urologist tell his newly accepted resident? Urine.,1,en
Gotye used to be popular. Now he's just somebody that we used to know,0,en
"i know a man who came way too far. you could say , his biggest short coming was his long coming",0,en
"my girlfriend asked if i could play wonderwall on the guitar. i said "" maybe """,1,en
"How do deaf people meet online? Simple, they just ask ""ASL?""",1,en
Who is Pitbull's favorite nascar driver? Dale Earnhardt jr.,1,en
What do you call a lost crayon? a Strayola,1,en
why don't lobsters like to share? they're shellfish .,1,en
"Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...",1,en
what is india's favorite video game they are billions,1,en
What goes down an alley and has holes in it? Bruce Wayne's parents,0,en
"""Uno, dos. "" And just like that, the Spanish magician was gone without a tres",1,en
"I wasn't planning on sleeping with that alchemist, but one thing Pb to another...",0,en
I never shower before church. I like to sit in my own pew,1,en
How do you know when spring is here? the Leafs are out!,0,en
"cause of death is still a mystery threedots authorities haven't ruled out foul play, after finding prince at the scene .",0,en
"My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late. Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room",1,en
you know how i just broke this huge cookie in half and put the other half away like i wasn't going to eat it? that was funny .,0,en
doctors gave me an iq test at the hospital. the results were negative,1,en
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they'd broken one of my keyboard keys. I onder hich one,0,en
If you teach a Pokemon substitute. Does that mean you're a substitute teacher,0,en
"fun prank: when someone wakes from a coma , have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from "" the sleeping disease """,1,en
"My dog has no nose and people often ask me how he smells. ""Great! He just had a bath!""",1,en
getting caught dating someone underage isn't a big problem. it's a minor problem,1,en
How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb? They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.,1,en
"friend : "" i just blew a speaker in my car . "" me : "" which kind? "" friend : "" motivational . """,1,en
"teacher : "" sam what is the outside of a tree called? "" sam : "" i don't know . "" teacher : "" bark sam bark . "" sam : "" bow wow wow ! """,1,en
Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon,0,en
"what did one snow man say to the other? hey , you smell carrots",0,en
Why didn't R. Kelly get drafted in the NHL? He wouldn't score after the first period.,1,en
what does captain kirk wear to the fitness center? jim shorts .,0,en
i've been reading a book about the history of glue. i can't put it down !,0,en
"My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.",1,en
"Just seen the grave of the woman from 'My Fair Lady'. It says ""Here lies a Doolittle""",1,en
where does a dog go when his tail falls off? the retail store,1,en
I met a rock salesman once. He really took his money for granite. ,0,en
"I was going to make a dubai joke But all the good ones are overused, emirate?",1,en
why do so many people listen to taylor swift songs after a breakup? because they were tailor made for it .,1,en
"I've always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man",1,en
I made an orphan website it doesn't have a Home page,0,en
What do you call a hair salon next to a graveyard? Curl up and dye,1,en
"Men are like snowstorms You don't know how many inches you'll get, how long it will last and how hard it will be.",1,en
"After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.",1,en
"I just heard my friend suffocated working at a nescafe factory. I was worried he suffered but luckily, it was instant",1,en
q : did you hear about the new blonde paint? a : it's not real bright but it's cheap and spreads easy .,0,en
I won the Most Unreliable Employee award. I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in,1,en
There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided,0,en
"I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary. I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it",0,en
first person to use an iron: this battle hammer does wonders for my enemies ' shirts !,0,en
Oscar Pistorius wants to install a new bathroom door. but his girlfriend is dead against it,1,en
"Guys, help me please. What's the past form of the verb ""eat"" ?",1,en
what did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny? rabbit up nicely it's a gift !,0,en
"If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.",0,en
What's the difference between a pregnant women and a light bulb you can unscrew the lightbulb,0,en
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming.,1,en
A old man runs into school The cemetary is now very busy,1,en
What do you call XXXTentacion in a coffin?  XBox,0,en
"I just overheard my kid muttering ""I'm sorry you had to see that"" to a stuffed toy. It's probably best not to ask what ""that"" was right?",1,en
"dreamed last night the world was running out of air . we figured out how to make it with carrots and broccoli . al gore, call me .",0,en
What's the opposite of Christopher Walkin Christopher Reaves,0,en
"IAmA hot dog cart owner, AMA my weiner!",0,en
why are rabbits never gold? how would you tell them apart from goldfish,1,en
do i like like a fan to you? because you seem so much cooler when i'm around .,1,en
what has four legs and flies? a dead hamster .,1,en
A joke on procrastination...... ....coming soon.,1,en
"if you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient .",0,en
What is a neckbeard's favorite language? M'lay.,0,en
What do call a potato that knows martial arts? Jacket Chan,1,en
"Happy Labour Day! Even if you don't have today off like US, we have U to thank for this holiday.",0,en
"I saw a man standing at the top of a building. 'Don't jump, you'll regret it!' I shouted. 'Will I?' he shouted back. 'Yes. For a few seconds, anyway...' I added.",0,en
"failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again .",0,en
"whenever our neighbor's dog is barking, i know there's either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened .",1,en
"well, this day was a total waste of makeup .",0,en
Jose was embarassed of his weight. No weigh Jose,0,en
What do you call someone with no arms? Disarmed.,1,en
What is Samson's one weakness? Cancer.,0,en
' i'm really excited about the pixar cowboy figure i got for my birthday . ' ' woody? ' ' not quite that excited . ',0,en
"When they say a girl is dynamite In Pakistan, they mean it.",1,en
what was michael jackson's favourite musical key? a minor,1,en
Fred: You have the face of a saint. Jill: Really? Which one? Fred: A Saint Bernard,0,en
What's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Did you ever notice he seems to start off all of his jokes in one of two ways,1,en
The CS:GO Joke. In a COMP match in CSGO how many people does Olofmeister kill? Olofem,0,en
"Amazing Farmer I met an amazing farmer today, he was out standing in his field..",0,en
"If Skittles were made from actual fruit, I'd be considered a much better parent.",1,en
What do you call a gust of wind full of sand? A rough draft,1,en
guilt: a blanket of your own regrets .,0,en
"New Adage! Coined a phrase today and wanted to share: ""You either go with the flow, or get flushed down the toilet."" Pretty cunning don't 'cha think?",1,en
"The only thing standing between me and greatness, is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.",1,en
how do you fix a broken tuba? tuba glue .,1,en
What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.,0,en
I guess the orange... ...was discovered before the carrot...,1,en
I'm really looking forward to the next stop on my Mediterranean cruise. The captain said we're just a few clicks out from Harem Bay,1,en
"War: what is it good for? Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man. So, lots actually.",1,en
why was jon walking backwards on the first day of school? everyone kept saying it was back to school time .,0,en
What does Alex's girlfriend and rotten bananas have in common? They both have bruises.,1,en
Shadows Question: What's the difference between your shadow and the shadow of someone from Hiroshima? Answer: Your shadow can move.,1,en
"What is the first thing the French learn in the military? How to say ""I surrender"" in German",1,en
What do you call a vegan wizard? A soyceror.,1,en
I thought the dryer shrank my clothes. turns out it was the refrigerator,0,en
how do you know if a homeless person has a girlfriend? his clean fingers .,1,en
how do sheep greet each other at christmas? a merry christmas to ewe,0,en
"""Now you'll be eating for two,"" said the doctor. ""Am I pregnant?"" she asked with a smile. ""No, it's cancer.""",1,en
why did the farmer take a milk bath? because he's too tall for a milk shower .,1,en
Why do tampons have strings? Cuz crabs like to bungee jump!,0,en
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!,0,en
i'm a vegetarian for the health reasons. now pass the cheese fries,0,en
"What was going through Paul Walker's mind during the accident ? The steering wheel, the car stereo and finally the car's motor.",0,en
"If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.",0,en
When's the worst time to eat candy? When she's on her period.,0,en
"The protest in the US is actually good for the environment It provides organic fertilizers for the earth! Okay, fine, organic fertilizers with some leads.",1,en
What do you call a person that's not doing anything at a temple? An idle worshiper.,1,en
"If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over. you can make them here, because I want some too",0,en
why was the baby strawberry sad? his mom was in a jam .,0,en
daughter : i will never learn to spell . mother : why? daughter : the teacher keeps changing the words .,1,en
Where did the fish go when it needed an operation? To the sturgeon,1,en
"what did the blind man say when he walked passed the fish aisle in the supermarket? good morning , ladies .",1,en
What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment? Storming a castle.,0,en
"I need a Life or a Clue but someone seems to have a Monopoly on them. So, instead, I'll take the Risk of sinking your Battleship",0,en
what do you call a dance party in colorado? shake ' n bake .,1,en
"Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.",1,en
When they buried the man who invented Tetris. the whole cemetery disappeared,1,en
"if you want some alone time , tell your husband that you're going to watch the bachelor. even if you're not",1,en
"i don't know what your problem is, but i'll bet it's hard to pronounce .",1,en
What do chefs do when they are cooking in an emergency? They take drastic measures.,1,en
i met a girl who didn't like dried fruit. well i certainly couldn't interest her in a date,1,en
"Apparently, they're not making shortbread any longer",1,en
A man tries to buy a trampoline. but his check bounces,1,en
I thought it was FRAT Tuesday! Now what am I supposed to do with all these popped collars?,0,en
"My two friends Rod and Kurt started a business the other day. You should look it up, it's called Kurt and Rod's Curtain Rods",0,en
Anyone up for creating a new sub like this but without automod? Message me and we can get started.,0,en
why does waldo wear stripes? he doesnt want to be spotted .,0,en
did you hear about the leper whose wife died in a tragic car accident? he fell to pieces .,0,en
"After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it ""the house""..",1,en
what's the difference between a feminist and a gun? a gun actually does something when it's triggered .,1,en
do you know who i saw yesterday? everyone i looked at,0,en
They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines,1,en
customer : why did you take off so much hair? barber : i didn't nature beat me to it .,1,en
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer,1,en
"What's the difference between a French Knight and my friend with a genie? One's a Paladin, and the other's my pal Alladin",0,en
"I took some roadkill I hit home to barbeque for dinner, On a related note. anyone have any use for a child's bicycle and backback",1,en
"I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting Oops, wrong thread.",0,en
what does sonic say on the first day of ramadan? gotta go fast !,0,en
What separates men from animals? The Mediterranean,1,en
see that sad girl up on the hill with tears? that's not me threedots i'm the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand .,0,en
what's infinity minus one? a sideways seven .,0,en
What app do Colorado like the least Columvine,0,en
"Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other. How do we drive this thing",1,en
"When life gives you lemons....a simple operation can give you melons. All the joke is in the title, so you can save that click.",0,en
What do you call a lamppost in Niger? Progress.,1,en
What fish sounds like a telephone? Herring herring...herring herring...herring herring.,1,en
What has lots of holes but only speaks out of one of them A women,1,en
"My minion friend fell off a cliff yesterday I felt awful, I wonder how he felt when he saw me cutting the climbing rope",1,en
What's a minister's favorite food? Tacos al pastor,0,en
Why wasn't Thor invited to his brother's surprise party? Odin wanted to keep it 'Loki'.,0,en
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.",1,en
What's the great thing about school shootings? You get to be dismissed earlier and for the added bonus no home work for every teacher killed!,1,en
"""Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye"": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.",0,en
Why are all of the posts being locked? What's happening?,0,en
i just got fired from the orange juice factory. they said i could not concentrate,1,en
have you heard about the digging poem? it's quite deep .,1,en
"Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle",0,en
A poet and a logician were found dead earlier this week. They say the killer had no rhyme or reason,1,en
i am iron man! the real one threedots,0,en
my girlfriend wanted me to make her feel like she's the only girl in the world. so i signed her up for electrical engineering,1,en
What do you call a boy with no arms and an eyepatch. Names,1,en
I had to get a new Mouse. My old one died when I threw it against the wall.,0,en
What do you call a joke that has been internet obsolete for a while? The Game.,1,en
Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow? She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.,0,en
i have glasses but cannot see . i have feet but cannot walk . what am i? a riddle .,1,en
"god grades on the cross, not the curve .",1,en
wife to husband : i'll have you know i've got the face of a teenager! husband to wife : then you should give it back you're wearing it out .,0,en
I wasn't a fan of my facial hair at first. But then it grew on me,1,en
"Lifehack: Binge watch a show in a fraction of the time by only watching the ""previously on. "" part at the start of each episode",1,en
"i appreciate the lemons, but wasn't one of you supposed to teach me how to fish by now ?",0,en
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door,1,en
How did you know that the janitors were dating? They were caught sweeping together.,1,en
"people always say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry. but i haven't eaten for a week and i'm getting really , really hungry",1,en
There's a spider on my calculator. Must be an arachnerd,0,en
can i borrow your cellphone? i need to call animal control cause i just saw a fox !,0,en
"the difference between "" girlfriend "" and "" girl friend "" is that little space in between. we call the "" friend zone """,1,en
what do you call a hot girl in germany? tourist,1,en
"I used to go out with a girl who had a wooden leg. Everything went smoothly, then I broke it off",1,en
"not knowing what to text back, but not wanting the conversation to end .",0,en
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck,0,en
What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.,1,en
Steven hawking death joke What was Steven Hawkings last word? Windows XP shutdown sound,0,en
how many hairs are in a dog's tail? none . they are all on the outside .,1,en
"If you watch the movie Twister backwards it's the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.",0,en
I've opened a barber shop for rabbits. We only do hare cuts.,1,en
How did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? It was well armed.,1,en
So I'm in the process of house hunting. The deer population has gone out of control in my living room,1,en
Why is DJ Khaled so good at music? He loves major keys.,1,en
What's the difference between a Jew and San Antonio Spurs ? The Spurs could beat the,1,en
What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his Greek sandwich? There goes my gyro,0,en
Why did Chewbacca cross the road? WWWRRRRRRGWWWRRRR!,0,en
"University: ""Got any money for tuition? "" Me: ""Go Fish""",1,en
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell They come with an Elon Musk.,1,en
"i like to ask the waiter , "" what do you recommend? "" then stare at him angrily while i order something completely different .",1,en
my wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. that's why i always take mine off when i get home from work !,1,en
"I have a very defined ab. That's not a typo, I only have a single ab",1,en
What do you get when you cross a killerwhale and a cow? I don't know but don't try to milk it!,0,en
What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy !,0,en
what do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty? pessimist prime,1,en
my wife said she was in the mood for something a bit unusual in the bedroom tonight. so i dragged the dishwasher up there,1,en
"kim on fb needs help deciding if the snot in her kid's nose is from allergies or not . his dr . says yes, but she really needs your opinion .",0,en
why does voldemort have flat face? he ran into wrong wall at train station,1,en
What do cats listen to during their free time? they listen to podcats.,1,en
Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine,0,en
What is gray and comes in pints? An elephant! edit: maybe I should say what is gray and cums in pints,0,en
why do women wear white wedding dresses? so the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove,1,en
Where does Superman do his shopping? At the supermarket.,1,en
What's the difference between an Irish Catholic and a Roman Catholic? A few notches on the belt buckle.,1,en
chuck norris does not own a house. he walks into random houses and people move,0,en
The deaths of George Floyd and Harambe are actually pretty similar Both were the death of monkeys that shook social media,1,en
did you hear about the mexican word of the day? chicken wings my wife plays the lottery so chicken wings some money !,0,en
"if you're stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life .",0,en
"Jim McGuinn and David Crosby found dead in apparent Double Homicide, one Keith Richards suspected. It seems two Byrds were killed by one Stone",1,en
What discovery was the garden's mathematician excited about? AVOCADO'S NUMBER!,0,en
how do you make a girl gain weight? marry her .,0,en
falling in love is like riding a bike. there's always a chance you might get run over,0,en
he : is this love or what? she : what .,0,en
What does Auschwitz and magnets have in common? They have poles in them.,1,en
What does an LGBT couple do to show affection? embruce,0,en
what do you call a smart blonde? a golden retriever .,1,en
What do STDs and jokes have in common? They're both easily spread.,1,en
what's the difference between a computer and a woman? a computer only has to have information punched into it once .,0,en
"my doctor said i need to eat more taco bell he actually said i was constipated, but i understood what he meant .",1,en
Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!,1,en
What do you tell someone who doesn't like Depeche Mode? Enjoy the silence.,0,en
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke Joke Jooooooooke.,0,en
I had an idea for a British ST: TNG spinoff It's called queue.,1,en
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather? A: One is reined up and the other rains down.,0,en
what do you call a computer that only plays sad songs? adele,0,en
How many people live in South America? A Brazillion,0,en
ME: So I... was never invisible? JAIL DOCTOR: No. That's why you're in jail,1,en
do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree ? only in case of fire ? fine. but pretty sure my cat won't like being set on fire,0,en
men are like coffee. the best ones are rich hot and can keep you up all night,1,en
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating? If she's only wearing one sock.,1,en
Why was the sterile Grizzly upset? Because he couldn't Bear children.,0,en
"pavlov hears a bell ring threedots he says, "" aw ! i forgot to feed the dogs again ! """,0,en
whats the difference betweens a violin and a fiddle? A violin has strings and a fiddle has strangs.,1,en
how did hitler lose weight quickly? juice cleanse .,0,en
"I called German UPS to ask them when they would ship my Rift.. They said, ""VR ready.""",0,en
"how many elves does it take it screw in a lightbulb? two , but they have to be very small .",1,en
Where do cows go on movie night? To the moooovie night.,1,en
What candy is traditionally served at a Jewish wedding. Mazel toffee,1,en
"what did a tree say to another tree? nothing , trees can't talk !",0,en
q : what is mozart doing right now? a : decomposing .,0,en
"what does a "" yes man "" say? i don't no",1,en
where can you find the speed of light? at c level,0,en
Finding a new sub We need to figure out where to go because Jesus Christ this subreddit is sinking fast,0,en
"It'll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.",0,en
"Most Facebook updates should be like this: Hi everybody, I didn't have anything meaningful to tell you. I just wanted to waste your time",0,en
"there is nothing wrong with window puns, i just don't like to shed light on them .",0,en
"What is Santa's favorite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even.",0,en
"I went to a Chinese restaurant last night. I said ""Waiter, this beef is rubbery"" He said ""Thank you, I'm grad you rike it""",1,en
Why was the violist standing outside the door? He didn't know when to come in,1,en
Why do Ninjas always wear black? The skilled ones don't.,1,en
What do you call a deep thinking pastry chef? A filosopher.,1,en
Q. How do you get down from an aerial ladder? A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.,0,en
i bumped into the guy that invented the globe. it's a small world,0,en
How do you organize wet books? With the mildewy decimal system!,0,en
i've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because i didn't want to lose friends: i don't work on mondays .,1,en
"hey guys ! they brought back angry beavers ! isn't it great? its been renamed to the view , however threedots",0,en
"Level of singleness: yelling, ""pizza's here! "" So the delivery man doesn't think all the pizza is just for me...",1,en
i had an argument with my friend about his small boat. we fell out,1,en
"ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "" i can tweet that """,1,en
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself,1,en
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus. Now I'm impecunious.,1,en
"Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I'm not. For years, I've pretended to be white, when I'm actually a ladder",1,en
How does Sherlock prefer his tea? Steeped in mystery!,1,en
why do waiters prefer elephants to flies? have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup,1,en
What's a Mathematician's favourite Christmas pudding? Yule ln!,0,en
Where do lightbulbs die? Offswitch.,0,en
"What do you get if u spell ""man"" backwards? Flashbacks....",1,en
"You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a min or two...",0,en
"My daughter has green eyes, she got that from me, my wife on the other hand has black eyes. She also got those from me",1,en
What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Mandarout,1,en
There was a shooting at the Apple store last night. There were no iWitnesses,1,en
"if you want someone to like you never text first . if they text you then don't text back . never, ever talk . it's the only way to make it work",0,en
LION TAMER: I'm a lion tamer. LION: For now,0,en
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use.,0,en
Did you hear Tarantino is making a documentary about the Catholic Church? It's called Pulpit Fiction,1,en
What does an inexperienced public speaker and a pizza place with high workers have in common? They both have problems with delivery.,1,en
"The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.",1,en
"at some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life .",0,en
what's the gummy stuff between sharks teeth? slow swimmers .,1,en
I dropped two bucks yesterday. Third one got away,0,en
what's the difference between arguing with a girl and arguing with a knife? the knife has a point,1,en
How many brains does a pregnant woman have One unless the babys a girl,1,en
"warning : if someone sends a link to download the new nickelback single , don't click on it! it's a link to download the new nickelback single",0,en
"i accidentally washed a black sock in with my whites and everything came out fine, so i totally get that whole "" i have a dream "" thing now .",1,en
"""You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you? "" It always felt like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation...",0,en
"i can usually tell how productive i've been at work, by the battery life of my phone .",1,en
What is the name of a bag pipe band that likes to play while jumping on squares? hopscotts.,1,en
what is the difference between a baker baking a cake and a gynecologist giving an exam? a few degrees .,1,en
Star Wars Joke... If Finn hooks up with Rey... He would be the first stormtrooper to hit something EDIT: formatting,0,en
I consider myself to be. a reflexive pronoun,1,en
"I used to have a very unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts. But after years of therapy, I finally.. .. got it out of my Cistern.",1,en
How does a CANDU reactor work? By believing in itself.,1,en
"When cooking a turkey, Don't worry about seasoning it. It's a waste of thyme",0,en
"broke last night , a burglar broke into my flat looking for some money. i woke up and went with him to join him in the search",1,en
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to become a comedian. well nobody's laughing now,0,en
"to girls who say all men are the same, nobody said you had to try them all .",1,en
what do you call the line at a vietnamese restaurant? pho queue !,1,en
What do Germans use to clean their shoes? They use Polish.,1,en
"Rather than trying to ""change"" your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine",0,en
As a kid I wanted to be a tree surgeon. but the sight of sap makes me faint,1,en
My dyslexic brother made ginger bread yesterday. Poor Tyrone,0,en
"I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many",1,en
what do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep? a sheep that can round itself up !,0,en
What is Robert Kraft's favorite type of movie? Anything with a happy ending! Credit to my mom for this one,0,en
"Mariah Carey seems like the type to sing all she wants for Christmas is you, but when you don't get her anything she throws a huge hissy fit",1,en
"What did the bear say to her date? ""I'll be down in a minute I'm bearly dressed""",1,en
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don't have to fill out a form or anything,1,en
What did the mother ghost say to the naughty baby ghost? Spook when you're spooken to.,0,en
Came up with this years ago while waiting for my mom to wake up that morning. What happened when the bike ran over a nail? It popped a wheelie.,0,en
you know what's a cool job? : mirror inspector i could really see my self doing it .,0,en
what do all dogs get with their phones? collar id,1,en
why was lisa not able to ride a bike? she was a cat .,0,en
"TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived. Apparently it protects against harmful rays",0,en
TIFU by making an overused joke. Reddit,0,en
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic. It's syncing now.,0,en
how much do deer nuts cost? under a buck,1,en
"My friends think im a magician when I make chocolate disappear. But little do they know, i'v got a few Twix up my sleeve",0,en
"oh ok thanks for the tip, i was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call",0,en
What do you call a group of disabled people? A garden,1,en
"It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl's ""I haven't finished but I know you're about to, so I'll try to be supportive"" moan.",1,en
What's the fastest price of school equipment Eraser,0,en
How many dogs can one blind person have? Depends on his income. ,1,en
are you looking for work spreading the word of jesus? because i can offer you the missionary position .,1,en
what's grey and goes round and round? an elephant in a washing machine !,0,en
love is like a unicorn. i don't have a unicorn,0,en
What's your favorite stereotype? Mine is Panasonic,1,en
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant: Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey.,1,en
why is one side of the v always longer than the other when geese are flying south for the winter? it's because there are more geese on that side .,1,en
I have been struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide but my friends have been very supportive. they insist that I go through with it,1,en
What does a Classical period composer and a priest have in common? They always go for the minors.,1,en
i've bought up all the scrabble games i can get my hands on. i heard there's a lot of money in text tiles,0,en
i lost my girlfriend recently. then the topic moved away from science and she was fine again,0,en
"Why is the sand so quiet? Because the waves keep going ""shhhhhh"".",0,en
Why is Stephen Hawking so smart? Because he sees the world in different angle.,1,en
"What's The Difference Between a Redditor and a Calender? A Redditor is a living breathing human being, and a Calender is an inanimate object.",1,en
"My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week. It ended when I told her ""We've been getting along really well lately""",1,en
"im not saying i'm number one, uh sorry i lied i'm number one two three four and five .",0,en
I have used contact lenses my whole life. I can apply them with my eyes closed,1,en
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends,1,en
A joke that never ends. I would like to start a thread that everyone adds to the joke and see how creative we can all get,1,en
"First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great",1,en
"on the other hand, you have five fingers .",1,en
what did the man say while holding a square clock? i'm holding time square !,0,en
What do you call a group of sorority girls? A whorde.,1,en
I used to be addicted to soap But then I got clean,0,en
"welcome, take off your pants threedots and jacket .",0,en
What do you call a school for disabled kids A garden,1,en
what does a woman want more than anything in the world? nothing . she's fine .,0,en
"OC: after talking with my buddy, I thought of this. how do you know if some does crossfit? They''ll tell you.",0,en
"what did jack frost say at his climax? "" winter is coming """,1,en
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.,1,en
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend,0,en
"""If you know about us Canadians, we like to say sorry..."" ""And if you knew that already... I'm sorry""",1,en
Everyone always said my wife had a heart of gold But dinner tonight suggest otherwise,1,en
There was a massive explosion at a French cheese factory this morning. All that remains is de brie,1,en
What's the difference between a sliced up body and a new BMW? ... I don't have a new BMW in my garage.,0,en
"what's blue , small and sits in a corner? a baby with its hand in the power socket .",0,en
i just finished making a belt out of watches. it was a waist of time,1,en
"If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher",0,en
Sorry dude I have plans this weekend I'm hanging out with Robin Williams,0,en
"Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating",1,en
me : i need to focus on work brain : remember that sweet song on the radio this morning? me : yeah that was sweet brain : let's sing that instead,0,en
"He's an owl with an attitude. She's a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC's new hit 'Birds of Pray'!",1,en
What do you call a baby on fire? Babyque,0,en
why did the pony have such a hard time talking? he was a little horse,0,en
my driving teacher asked me where the gas is. second door on the right,1,en
Michael J Fox got a new restaurant endorsement deal. Shakey's,1,en
did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? they say that he's a seasoned veteran .,1,en
How do Australians breathe? They exhale,1,en
what did the scarf say to the hat? you go on ahead . i'll hang around,1,en
"there's a spider in my bathroom. i neither can kill it or capture it , so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family",0,en
What do you call Adrian Monk when he's angry? Rasputin,0,en
last night i had a dream that i was a muffler. i woke up exhausted,0,en
today is a military command: march fourth !,1,en
why can't you eat soup in the matrix? because there is no spoon .,1,en
"To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug. 'cause if you get any closer, I'm gonna assume you do and give you one",0,en
Why does Germany keep losing at Track and Field? Because they can only finish one race. ,1,en
"i always have to throw out my animal crackers. they always have that label : "" do not eat if seal is broken """,1,en
i told a joke i made up last halloween! it got me a few snickers .,0,en
wow she actually noticed me! time to pick a different tree .,0,en
Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back? The mall is hiring new Santas.,0,en
Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough,1,en
"Did you hear about the dancing girl? She danced on one leg and then the other, but she made her living between the two of them.",1,en
why did the blonde stare at the ford? it said focus .,1,en
where does a fish keep it's money? the river bank .,1,en
what's the best thing about having parkinson's? never having to buy another electric toothbrush .,1,en
Why don't mitochondria have girlfriends? Because they're incells.,0,en
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up? It's all over town.,0,en
I just can't find any good doctors. EVERY one of them is still in practice,1,en
my insomnia is getting worse. i was wide awake all day at work yesterday,1,en
If someone is forced to get a masters in debate... They have to Degree to Disagree,1,en
how many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? a fish .,1,en
how do you get a blonde to marry you? tell her she's pregnant .,0,en
How do you get your woman to bake a cake? You batter her.,0,en
What is the most abundant spice in Africa? Paprika.,1,en
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one,1,en
"i dig , you dig , we dig , she dig , he dig , they dig. its not a beautiful poem , but its very deep",0,en
Why do feminists dislike maths? There's an XY axis but no XX axis.,1,en
"What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain? In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.",1,en
Don't give the Pikachu meme any vaccines That way it'll die faster,0,en
I have a multiple personality disorder. And so do I,1,en
"""His and hers"" gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly",1,en
"Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.",1,en
I saw a Jewish guy once But then the smoke cleared,1,en
"Did you hear that the band the pretenders has a completely new lineup? The new line up is Elton John, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, and Boy George",1,en
What do you call a woman that's pregnant with a girl ? A complete washing set,0,en
What do you get if you cross a giant hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.,1,en
How did God get Mary pregnant? He used the holy immaculate contraception,1,en
"How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's House? All right, all right, all right..",0,en
did i ever tell you the story about the time i climbed mount everest? i made it up .,1,en
What do young ghosts call their parents? Deady and Mummy.,1,en
What do Jedi sheep sound like? Dagobah.,1,en
What did the ghost say to the bee? Boobee!,0,en
I found an odorless candle. It doesn't make any scents.,1,en
What advice did the frog give to the condom manufacturer? Rib it.,0,en
why can't ray charles see his friends? he's married,0,en
grey matter what's grey and comes in quarts? an elephant .,0,en
definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time .,1,en
I finally got a date for the Valentines Day! She just doesn't know it yet.,0,en
why did the invisible man turn down the job? he couldn't see himself doing the work,1,en
Why did the negative number look so surprised? He was nonplussed.,1,en
I was fooling with the ouija board last night. It spelled out... we have updated our privacy policy,0,en
"I just put in new countertops in my kitchen. Granite, they're not marble, but still",1,en
What do bees and celebrities have in common? They're both dying at an alarming rate.,1,en
"My girlfriend just told me she was moving away to either Cleveland or Tulsa... All I could think to say was, ""OH. OK.""",0,en
what's the difference between a russian potato and a u.s . potato? the u.s . potato can still compete in the special olympics .,1,en
"q . what did one tornado say to the other? a . "" let's twist again like we did last summer threedots """,0,en
What happened to the goat after it crossed the road? It got milked to death. ,0,en
You know what's weird about the spelling of tuna sub That spelled backwards is what Jared from subway wants to do on kids ,0,en
"First Michael Jackson, and now Neil Armstrong. The world is running out of moonwalkers",0,en
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis I said maybe,1,en
what do you call a male trapped in a female body? a fetus,1,en
"A farmer asks the scarecrow if he likes his job ""Well... this job isn't for everyone..."" the scarecrow ponders, ""but hey... it's in my jeans""",1,en
What is a Jewish delima? A free ham.,1,en
"One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you",0,en
losing your spouse can be hard. but it's not impossible,1,en
"My wife said to me: ""If you won the lottery, would you still love me? "" I said: ""Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.""",1,en
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding,0,en
What do you call a newly created second dock Bay B,1,en
What would a reddit restaurant be called? Chooters,1,en
What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders.,1,en
you know what isn't a joke? hitlers gas bill .,0,en
What's the difference between a dead cat and a dead lawyer on the road? The dead cat has skid marks around it.,0,en
"I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone",0,en
"I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids But when I got home, they were still there.",1,en
why does a milking stool only have three legs? because the cow has the udder .,1,en
What is the difference between a computer and a women? You only have to punch information into the computer once.,0,en
Why did the wedding cake collapse? It was two tiered.,1,en
what's red and invisible? no tomatoes,0,en
the apple car will never succeed. it doesn't have windows,1,en
"how do you build a boat? well im not sure , but i do noah guy .",0,en
What's the second hardest thing at a funeral? feeling sorry,1,en
"""I'm not sure I can do a Hadoken anymore,"" said Ryu. ""SUREYOUCAN! "" replied his master.",0,en
what's blue and not very heavy? light blue,0,en
I caught my sister fingering herself with a carrot I was gonna eat that later but now it's just gonna taste like carrots.,0,en
"If I buy a cardigan, and then I buy another cardigan Am I buying a cardiganagain?",0,en
"Someone asked me the other day, ""What's with those clogs you keep wearing? "" I replied, ""Wooden shoe like to know.""",1,en
Guys GUYS my throat is painful!!! ...No It's nothing. Just remembered about my priest.,0,en
I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life,0,en
"why are you even asking me that mom. i love jumping off bridges , either by myself or as a group , you know that",0,en
"What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags it's tail, while the other tags a whale",1,en
My Mom asked why I was wearing lipstick... She didn't realise the dog was on its period.,1,en
Guys I just woke up from a long coma What month is it?,0,en
What do David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common? They both come in a posh box,1,en
what is another way of ' saying caught between a rock and a hard place '? having a threesome with dwayne johnson,1,en
If you see an Apple store getting robbed. Does that make you an iWitness,1,en
"if my psychiatrist said "" there's really nothing more i can do for you "", that means i'm cured right ?",1,en
chuck norris doesn't step on toes. chuck norris steps on necks,0,en
need to build an ark? i noah guy .,0,en
are you guys all right? or are you all left,0,en
"Roses are red, Cameron boyce went to bed. The next day the mf was dead.",0,en
"someone's been sleeping in my bed , said papa bear . someone's been sleeping in my bed , said mama . why don't u share a bed? ! cried baby bear .",0,en
what does a bee style his hair with? a honey comb !,0,en
Why repent? I pented just last week.,0,en
"A fish walks into a bar ..and the bartender asks, ""What can I get ya? "" And in a very raspy voice the fish says, ""WATER""",1,en
My wife passed away and my daughter is forcing me to marry again Guess she likes threesomes more than I do.,0,en
Stephen Hawkings What all men look like to stippers,1,en
"Why are monks so good at protesting?  The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance...",1,en
"a hot girl asked me what came first, the chicken or the egg? I answered truthfully "" it's usually me"".",1,en
"despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular ?",1,en
What do you call a male zebra? A zebro,1,en
What is horse sense? Stable thinking and the ability to say nay!,1,en
Where do you find a vegetable? Where you left him,0,en
i lie in the bath for hours. but i try to tell the truth the rest of the time,1,en
A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome. and call it Touch Downs,1,en
"seek respect , not attention. it lasts longer",1,en
What's the most dishonest creature in the sea? The Lionfish.,1,en
what musical instrument is found in the bathroom? a tuba toothpaste .,1,en
"My laptop said hello to me. I think it's ""a Dell""",0,en
Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.,0,en
My mom asked me what causes dwarfism. I told her I didn't know as it is of little interest to me,1,en
What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist? An etymologist knows.,1,en
"my therapist claims i'm a narcissist , but what does he know? clearly not as much as me .",1,en
"i always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the new year, just for my coworkers on a diet .",1,en
what kind of street does a ghost like best? a dead end .,0,en
If only Africa had more mosquitoes nets Then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needless from AIDS,1,en
What do you call a orphan taking a selfie A family photo,1,en
"let me make an iphone joke never mind, ill just come up with a new one",0,en
To err is human. To not know what err means is American,1,en
Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch but don't believe everything you hear,1,en
FROSTY DIVORCE Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.,0,en
What does a Beekeeper and tinder have in common? No money no honey,1,en
"I had a dream that I was probed by aliens. When I woke up, my uncle was climbing out my window.",1,en
no matter how you behave with people around you. they will love you according to their need and mood,1,en
kobe had to pass because he was traveling,0,en
How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood? None because only beavers give a dam.,1,en
"What's dead but can still talk? A dead girl with a working vocoder, air pump and electrodes attached to the vocal muscles.",1,en
what do you call someone who really loves breakfast? a cereal killer .,1,en
What's Jared's favorite side dish? Megan slaw,0,en
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last very long if you're obese,1,en
Job security: calling my boss and posing as a problematic customer so he'll realize he still needs me while I'm on vacation.,1,en
"A man got a cat and walked to his wife and said ""so what do you think of the cow? "" His wife said that's a cat. The man said ""shh I'm talking to the cat""",1,en
What do you call an intense love of math? Calculust.,1,en
"I used to be friends with a lot of metalheads. But then, gradually, our relationships got a little bit rusty",1,en
"I grew up in Africa. During the summers, we just had balloon fights",1,en
Whats the difference between science and religion? Science flies us to the moon while religion flies us into buildings,1,en
"Instead of sweat pants, I call them jogging pants because it makes me sound athletic instead of lazy.",1,en
best way to lose weight. wait until you are full and stop eating,0,en
i propose we rename our seasons: blizzard flood oven kinda nice for a bit,0,en
what did the redditor say to the other redditor? yes .,1,en
"i had this great joke about thor threedots but thinking about it now, it's actually really low key .",0,en
What's grey and looks good on cops and firemen? The World Trade Center.,0,en
how many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? no one knows it's never happened .,1,en
"you know how dogs think , when you leave , that you're never coming back? that's how i feel when i leave the house for work every morning .",0,en
"hey , if it doesn't work out , we can still be friends. said no guy ever",0,en
If I could pick any super power it would be. echo sound location so I could see with my eye's closed,1,en
Did you know Helen Keller had a playground in her backyard? Well apparently neither did she.,0,en
What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip? Recalculating route.,0,en
i don't have a girlfriend. but i do know a woman who's mad at me for saying that,1,en
why do dinosaurs wear glasses? to make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs .,1,en
What makes teenagers jump? Bridges,0,en
Q: Did you hear about the robbery at the flower shop? A: It was a violet crime.,0,en
"What did one font say to the other while at the beach? ""Serifs up, dude!""",1,en
q : what was bob the builder called after he retired? a : bob .,0,en
By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something,1,en
What is the difference between a bar code and an Ethiopian family? Nothing.,1,en
"whenever i talk about me and friend doing something, it's a good bet that my friend is actually a pizza .",1,en
"Americans have a strange dialect It's sneakers instead of trainers, sweaters instead of jumpers, and shooting range instead of highschool.",1,en
"feeling sad because my hamster died threedots well he's not ' technically ' dead yet, but i ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days .",0,en
What suicidal space creature did Kirk find on the Enterprise? A Tribble with troubles.,0,en
"so i went to the doctor for my annual prostate exam today threedots i asked the doctor "" where i should put my pants? "" he replied "" over there next to mine . """,1,en
"First woman on the Moon: ""Houston, we have a problem."" What? ""Never mind"" What's the problem? ""Nothing"" Please tell us? ""You know what the problem is.""",1,en
"Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas. It must have been a period piece",1,en
"ACTORS' TIP: can't afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add ""driving stunts"" to your resume",0,en
"homeless man asked me if i could ' spare some change ' . i told him ' change comes from within ' . long story short, i'm missing a kidney .",1,en
Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot,1,en
"Snoop Dogg tweeted that he was in one of the shark costumes during the halftime show. ""That wasn't Snoop Dogg, it was just Snoop Lion.""",1,en
Why did Steve hate being the youngest clone? Because all his genes were hand me downs.,1,en
her : you ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks? him : thought you said they were baked . her : i said you were baked .,0,en
What's a sailor's least favorite color? Maroon,0,en
"How can you tell Ash isnt Jewish? If he was, he would be Ashes",1,en
I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant. The burgers are chewy,1,en
Why do all Pirates wear eye patches? Chuck Norris.,1,en
"""Snap! The Rice Krispie cereal mascot just isn't my type... ...his idea of a date is to just 'Crackle and Pop'""",0,en
what does a west virginia couple do on halloween? they pump kin .,1,en
"In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were super effective against dark types. But then I thought about Malaria in Africa and it all made sense.",1,en
I hate it when winter comes. It makes my wenis so dry,1,en
"If a hobbit were to bake a hairstyle, what would he make it out of? Frodo",0,en
I got my beautiful wife a lovely woolie hat and a coat for Christmas. She's gonna need it because I've just lost our house to gambling,0,en
Which side of the kitten is the furriest? The outside. ,0,en
why does vegan cheese taste bad? it hasn't been tested on mice .,1,en
why are fish so educated? because a lot of them are in schools .,1,en
I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice. My gondolences,1,en
Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good,1,en
I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children. I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.,1,en
What's the sound that a French tank does just before the enemy frontline attacks? Beep Beep Beep...,0,en
"I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!",0,en
What do you call fireworks at night? Fireworks What do you call fireworks in the morning? A shooting,1,en
"my girfriend ask me ,""what about date"" i say ""the rate of dates are so high in the market"". sorry",1,en
My Russian mate does not care about anyone. His name is Yukanol Fukov,0,en
Don't you hate it when you don't know something and have no way of finding out? We need some kind of... global information network.,0,en
My professor told me my writing reveals my erudite nature. I explained that my birthstone is actually amethyst,1,en
"I'm gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It'll be called ""John Sinclair's john and sink lair""",1,en
since we're doing pirate jokes . what does every pirate hate? a small chest with no booty .,1,en
"I used to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings. Now that cartoons are replaced with infomercials, I have Saturday mournings. ",1,en
Where did Amy go after the boombing? Everywhere,0,en
what type of luggage only speaks in short sentences? a brief case .,1,en
What do you call a controversy surrounding toothpaste. Colgate,1,en
a coworker asked me if i would please quit loudly singing along with my oasis mix tape this morning. i said maybe threedots,1,en
i'm really good at wrapping presents. it's a gift,1,en
scientists have discovered what a woman wants. but she changed her mind the next second,1,en
why do single men live longer than married men? because they want to .,1,en
"Not to brag, but I was voted ""Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal"" by everyone who has ever met me.",1,en
My parents told me not to listen to my iPod too loud. It was sound advice,1,en
"My dad came to my little brother's funeral yesterday I didn't think he could, but he told me he only groaned when everyone was crying.",0,en
If faith in jesus can move mountains... Does that mean faith in allah can move skyscrapers?,1,en
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe.,1,en
What do you call a fear of horned bovines? Aurochnophobia.,1,en
What's the difference between women and property? Property has value.,1,en
how do you make ben carson yell? watch a movie with him .,0,en
A joke Chris Rock should have used at the Oscars The Oscars. where the carpets are red and the candidates are white,1,en
"what did the bald man say when he got a comb for christmas? "" thanks , i'll never part with it . """,1,en
What do gifted bakers take in high school? AP Flour,1,en
why did the stormtrooper buy an iphone? because he couldn't find the droid he was looking for .,1,en
what do you call a digital tree? all bark and no byte,1,en
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to drop it and six to pick it up pick it up pick it up,1,en
"Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp",0,en
i have a very frustrated pet at home. its a turtle that loves to chase cars,0,en
Why don't you go down on a woman in the morning? You ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwhich?,0,en
what do you call a struggling artist? baroque .,1,en
My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense...  And that's how I saved Christmas...,0,en
"the older i get , the more my feet hurt. i guess it's true threedots time wounds all heels",0,en
what's the difference between op and a pregnant woman? she delivers .,0,en
"If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.",0,en
Why's the sink depressed? It's been feeling drained,1,en
"What are the Jews saying this passover? Well, this isn't the worst passover we've had",1,en
what did one brick say to the other? guess who's gettin ' laid tomorrow !,0,en
Q: What connects the computers in Sauron's office? A: A Tolkien Ring network.,0,en
"a mouse jumped out of my stove , but i couldn't catch it. it was out of my range",0,en
What does a cat say when he likes something? It's purrrfect.,0,en
How did Adolf tie his shoes? With two knotzies.,1,en
What do you call a doctor for websites? A URLologist,1,en
"I've been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from Bewitched, and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day",0,en
want to hear a clean joke ? a man takes a bath with bubbles. want to hear a dirty joke ? bubbles is a man,0,en
what did dr dre say to his wife during netflix and chill? hope you're ready for the next episode,0,en
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses? That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's Furniture Emporium...,0,en
why did hitler fail math? he couldn't reach the final solution .,1,en
"What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?  It's Christmas, Eve!",0,en
"i found my first grey pubic hair today. i can accept getting old , but it was in my big mac",1,en
What's Jammu and Kashmir's favourite band ? The Rolling Stones.,1,en
I put my new dirt bike in the garage. It's been over a week now and it hasn't cleaned a thing.,1,en
My father has a big wallet and drives a huge car! He's a busdriver.,0,en
Why are leggings and sand the same? They both get stuck in camel toe.,1,en
you know what's odd? every other number .,0,en
I egged my mate's car in retaliation for a cruel practical joke he played on me. Now the yolk is on him.,0,en
"I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away. I gotta hand it to him.",1,en
How many mods does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.,0,en
why did the turtle cross the road? to get to the nearest shell station !,0,en
what does a astronaut put in a sandwich? space jam,1,en
Have you seen the new interview of John Cena? Yeah me neither..........,0,en
"Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today. Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager",1,en
why couldn't elsa hold on to a balloon? she would always let it go .,0,en
why does a priest never get married? because they got nun to love them,1,en
I like Gravity. It keeps me down to earth,0,en
how is a fish like a bicycle? neither one knows how to whistle !,0,en
What did the dog say after it slid across some sandpaper? Ruff.,0,en
"what is your least favorite type of sandwich? whoops , wrong sub .",0,en
"according to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air .",1,en
Jesus Saves. and Esposito scores on the rebound,1,en
"I have a friend who got severe burns on his hands, to the point that he is virtually senseless. I feel for him",1,en
why does iron man act like a girl? he's a fe male .,1,en
"Artistic people of Reddit, what is being artistic really like? And can I get fries with that",1,en
Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road and a dead lawyer on the side of the road? There are skidmarks before the dog.,0,en
"i like my humor like i like my coffee dark, bitter but satisfying .",0,en
what is the difference between a robot and a sandwich? everything . these two objects have nothing in common .,1,en
How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated? Defeeted,0,en
""" son , i don't think you're cut out to be a mime . "" "" was it something i said? "" asks the son . "" yes .",0,en
"women and not finding me attractive. if i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive , they would eventually find me attractive",1,en
"what goes: click . "" did i get it ? "" click . "" did i get it ? "" stevie wonder solving a rubik's cube .",0,en
Did you hear the one about the man who was run over by a Nissan? He had to pay the altamate price.,0,en
What is green and glides down a mountain? A skiwi,0,en
Why do frogs have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires !,1,en
how much do you pay to buy corn from a pirate? you pay a buccaneer .,1,en
What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? . A tearjerker,1,en
"well for starters this x box controller is considered an accessory, so technicalley im Not shirtless. now give me mcburger",0,en
what's the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? about two weeks .,1,en
What do you call a middle eastern sorceress? A sandwitch,1,en
"When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change. except the direction I'm walking in",0,en
how did people charge their phones before electricity? they didn't threedots !,0,en
"it's like my mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life .",1,en
My Friend Has Been Dying To Be Invited In An Ugly Christmas Sweater Party So I told her to go to a homeless shelter,1,en
"I used to steal famous comedian's jokes I still do, but I used to too.",1,en
Why can Unicorns only be ridden by a adult female virgin? They're both imaginary,1,en
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows. Except me.,1,en
why were the pirates on the ship fighting? they needed better anchor management .,1,en
What's the difference between British crisps and foreign crisps? One are Walkers and the others just Lays around.,1,en
"Q. ""Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships? "" A. ""Because sheep would be too obvious""",0,en
"when in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the girl with glitter on her face does .",1,en
It takes patience to listen. it takes skill to pretend you're listening,1,en
No Valentine On Valentines Day? Don't worry if you don't have a valentine on valentine's day.. Most people don't even have AIDS on World AIDS day..,0,en
Life is like a box of chocolate It wont last long if your fat,0,en
boy : what's the biggest ant in the world? girl : my aunt boy : no it's an elephant . girl : you obviously haven't met my aunt,0,en
He's taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.,0,en
"Do you know why are babies the best morning alarms? They wont shut up unless you turn them off, completely.",0,en
"If today's weather were a fashion line, which would it be? Burrrrberry",0,en
What's the difference between a miner and a lumberjack? You don't get arrested for dating a lumberjack.,1,en
What never eats and always stays alive? The children in Africa,1,en
"The tongue weighs practically nothing, but yet so few people are actually strong enough to hold it",1,en
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Steve Jobs proved this one wrong,1,en
Why is Captain Hook good at getting away with murder? He leaves no fingerprints,0,en
"the kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so i thought i'd tweet this while i wait for the water to boil threedots",0,en
"what's the definition of eternity? the time between when i come , and you go .",0,en
"work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "" work from home "" , don't use air quotes .",1,en
What's the Incredible Hulk's favorite food? Smashed potatoes.,0,en
What did fettuccine say to rigatoni? Que pasta,0,en
"Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For example, when you push them down the stairs.",1,en
Why is it worse this time around? Thermal cameras mean I can't save anyone by hiding them in my roof.,1,en
What do you call a smiling Roman with hair in his teeth? A gladiator,1,en
What type of fighting technique do amputees practice? Partial arts.,1,en
I love comfort food. I'm going to eat a quilt,1,en
"the best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence. that way , they never suspect you hung up on them",1,en
I fired my masseur today. He just rubbed me the wrong way,1,en
What is the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar? Thousands of miles.,1,en
where did the hamburger meet the cheeseburger? at the meat ball .,1,en
What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs? A thyme machine.,1,en
mermaid procreation how does a mermaid give birth? sea section,1,en
Why was the sacajawea coin made? because the Trail Of Tears had a toll booth.,1,en
"What's the fastest branch of the military? The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.",1,en
"my funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and i told my best friends under no circumstances should i be cremated .",1,en
If your social security number was your cell phone number. what would your number be,0,en
"How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.",0,en
"so a guy calls into work and says , "" i can't come in today , i'm seeing spots . "" "" have you seen a doctor? "" "" no , just the spots . """,1,en
My local butcher accidentally backed up into his meat grinder. He got a little behind in his work,1,en
How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!,1,en
"""threemiles""  I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day. ",1,en
"I didn't know if I'd like this tumor i have., But lately it's been growing on me",1,en
why was the horse happy to come home after being released from the hospital? because of his stable condition .,0,en
"The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.",1,en
"my credit card company loves me. every day , i get a call from them saying my balance is outstanding",1,en
Legends don't die. I am a living example,0,en
"An egg voted to leave the omelet.. and then.. it.. did.. yeah, sorry its just too scrambled. there's no way to get a good yolk out of this mess..",0,en
when i signed up for college they said i had to take a ' fat awareness ' class i said that do we need ' fat awareness ' for? they're so easy to spot .,1,en
"A hotdog and a hamburger are haveing a pooping contest... The hamburger is winning. In order to ketchup, the hotdog mustard.",1,en
"A man goes to the doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor pens the following in his notes ""Patient presented with anxiety""",1,en
my wife tried to tell me that I'm in denial. So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I'm standing nowhere near a river in Egypt,1,en
"i just set twitter to post to facebook, and facebook to tweet to twitter threedots so the internet should explode any minute now .",0,en
Why is Waldo always wearing striped clothing? because he doesn't want to be spotted,1,en
"you can't break an electric toothbrush if it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush .",0,en
"I had to go to a funeral today. Unfortunately, my uncle Stevens passed away. I ran over him on my way there.",0,en
"i have two feelings in ramadan, it's either "" i'm hungry "" or "" i shouldn't have eaten this much """,1,en
What do you call a rare Egyptian King? King Nottocommon,1,en
"Jesus take the wheel Carlos take the stereo, Manuel get the seats and I'll be the Juan on watch.",0,en
"Even people who are good for nothing have the ability to bring a smile to your face.  For instance, when you push them down the stairs.",1,en
"How many eggs can you eat while fasting? Just one, because after eating it you won't be fasting anymore",1,en
I Decided To Learn How To Write Clickbait Titles. What I Learned Will Amaze You,0,en
"If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.",1,en
"My friend just joined a reggae band playing the triangle, he says it's easy. All he has to do is stand at the back 'n' ting",1,en
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. i'm so confused,1,en
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac,1,en
"My dad suffers from bowel incontinence, and so do I. It runs in my jeans",1,en
"You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.",0,en
"When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I'm constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.",1,en
What do you call a Phillipino contortions? A manilla folder,1,en
Where do you find a legless turtle ? Right where you left him.,0,en
"Lately I'm very optimistic about the future of my marriage... I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he'll meet somebody... soon...",1,en
"i work with some really great people . they're reliable, they're honest and they never cause any problems . i don't fit in at all .",1,en
what do apple and rose have in common? they both lost jack .,0,en
Have you seen the Australian version of Breaking bad? He get's cancer and Medicare covers his costs and the series ends.,1,en
"I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn't help",1,en
What do vegans and cows have in common? They both taste good on a burger.,1,en
"bloke walks up and asks "" do you prefer long legs or short? "" , so i reply "" i prefer something in between """,1,en
"A doctor says ""The good news is it's all in your head."" The bad news is.. including me.",1,en
When you become a sister of the church... ...You have to deNUNciate your past ,1,en
a dyslexic man walks into a bra. threedots yeah that's the whole joke,0,en
A vegan invited my friends and I to a vegan restaurant. the food really lettuce down,1,en
"Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?",0,en
"When I was a kid, I would launch Hamsters and other small rodents in my model rockets. I called it the Gerbil Space Program",1,en
What sound does a Polish crow make? Krakow,1,en
"Wife: ""How did your first day as a lifeguard go? "" Me: ""Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.""",0,en
Created a Kickstarter for my movie. Hoping to raise enough for a popcorn and soda too,0,en
"Dating and fishing are a lot alike There's many fish in the sea, but until I catch one I'm just sitting here holding my rod",1,en
What do you call a leprous in a pool ? An effervescent cachet,1,en
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.,0,en
Not all heroes weare capes But kkk does,1,en
what did one cancer cell say to the other cancer cell? let's go get jobs .,1,en
Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember,1,en
How did the horse rider get past his fear of the big hurdle? He got over it.,0,en
If Vegetarians Eat Vegetables... What do humanitarians eat?,1,en
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.,0,en
"i was really bad in school. i failed maths so many times , i can't even count",1,en
"In high school I hooked up with my teacher... She was really into me... I mean I was home schooled, but still!",0,en
Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.,0,en
people say i'm a stand up guy threedots threedots but i prefer to sit down when i can. good morning everyone !,0,en
"are you guys all right? no , you are all left",0,en
"stopped shaving for november , at first i hated the mustache , but what can i say? it's grown on me .",1,en
"money can't buy happiness, but i'd much rather cry in a mansion .",0,en
I have a question about a belt I recently bought Why does my father beat me with it?,1,en
"The frightened tourist: ""Are there any bats in this cave? "" The guide: ""There were but don't worry the snakes ate all of them.""",1,en
I hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discovering my phone is more than an arm's length away. Also more than a leg's length away,0,en
"remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday .",0,en
"i'm confused threedots square box, round pizza but triangle slices .",0,en
What's the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup!,0,en
How come Greek salad doesn't have any lettuce? Austerity.,1,en
My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate. So I got a second girlfriend,1,en
"If the Native Americans that celebrated the first Thanksgiving were still alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.",1,en
"If you steal my identity and get a credit card I'll be impressed. Not because you stole my identity, but because you got approved. Kudos!",0,en
"To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.",1,en
What do you call a rich South American? A Brazilianaire!,1,en
"A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.",1,en
"Thanks God for Fast food! Lucky for us we do not have to hunt our own food, because I don't have the slightest idea where the hot dogs live.",0,en
"When I sing with my headphones in I think, ""Why don't I have a record deal? !""...Then I take them out and I know why.",1,en
The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery. But it turns out it was all in vain,1,en
twitter: something to read when people are talking to you .,0,en
How did Helen Keller burn her finger She was trying to read a waffle iron,0,en
"My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day",1,en
Did you hear about the cloned dogs who couldn't figure out which was the original? It was a real paradogs,1,en
Sometimes I'll purposely spill gravy on my pants to give me an excuse to leave early. The real trick is sneaking the gravy into church,1,en
what do you get hanging from apple trees? sore arms .,1,en
I'm going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE,0,en
"An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. ""You don't want to try these techniques at home",1,en
what did the frog say after he finished his book? reddit .,0,en
Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet? ...Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it,0,en
"To support all you Movember guys, I'm not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won't shave in Mecember or Manuary either",1,en
My buddy just came over with his eyebrows waxed. The light had them shining so much it looked like both of his eyes just came up with the best idea,1,en
how long is one minute? it depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on .,1,en
Are you gonna eat that. or just take pictures,0,en
"If you ever feel sad about the holocaust just remember... Don't be sad because it's over, smile because it happened.",0,en
what is the most popular breakfast at the world trade center? a plane bagel .,0,en
What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight? There ain't no rest for the wicked,0,en
Did you hear about the guy who told everyone goodbye and then didn't leave? It was much adieu about nothing.,1,en
"i had a fight once . "" you should see the other guy! "" i said . my wife agreed . she's been seeing him for years now , they're a lovely couple .",0,en
Why did Simba's father die? Because he couldn't Mufasa!,0,en
Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations It will solve all their problems but they deny they need to do it,1,en
"What do you call it when you put a baby in the blender? I don't know what it's called, but it tastes amazing!",0,en
"Doctor, Doctor... I have a steering wheel in my pants. It's driving me nuts!",0,en
I guess you could say xxxtentacion is now Xxxtinct ,0,en
"What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books? If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.",0,en
reporter : what made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend? boy hero : i had to do it . he had my skates on .,0,en
What happened to the kid who tried to catch fog? Mist.,0,en
"if there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than superman .",1,en
why do bees hum? because they don't know the words !,1,en
"I once went on a date with a playwright It was all going well, until she started making a scene",1,en
What flavor gum does a scientist prefer? Exspearamint. inspired by the presidential gum joke.,1,en
What kind of underwear does Severus Snape wear? Always.,1,en
"How did Beethoven deal with all the criticism he received? He said to them, ""I can't hear you.""",1,en
what do you call a reptile that works as a detective? an investigator .,1,en
whenever my Girlfriend say something funny. i reply: Hahahahahhavesexwithmehahahah,0,en
George Floyd should he An actor They Found his audition breathtaking,1,en
what do chinese people call chinese food? food .,1,en
"The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.",1,en
I don't like anti jokes. I like uncle jokes,1,en
Chuck Norris opened the Ark of the Covenant and kept his eyes open. The Ark melted,0,en
what do use to lure really big fish? master bait,1,en
Why was the Italian so expensive? He was made from genuine Italian leather. ,1,en
What do you call a group of trees? A communitree,1,en
Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke? It was no laughing matter...,0,en
"What is your favourite variable? I'm not sure, It's always changing.",1,en
why is almond milk called almond milk? because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice .,1,en
psychic wanted: you know where to apply .,0,en
"My company is hiring someone for a Business Development, Sales and Marketing position. They're gonna call the new hire the BDSM Executive",1,en
"if apple has taught me anything, it's wait to see the "" steve jobs "" movie until they release a second version .",1,en
My fear of moving stairs... ...is escalating.,0,en
"remember people, good manners is what separates us from the french .",1,en
"Optimism I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist. I just don't have a whole lot to work with",1,en
If you can't spell a word...what do you do? Find the locution,0,en
"i was reading the book "" great expectations "" by charles dickens. it wasn't as good as i hoped it would be",1,en
Steak puns. a rare medium well done,0,en
Skin Color? YOU MEAN FLAVOR VARIATIONS?,1,en
"How do you know when someone is gluten free? Don't worry, they'll tell you. ""Exit stage right....""",0,en
Did you hear about the boxer who fought his own clone? The resemblance was striking.,1,en
How did Paul McCartney get Linda pregnant? C Moon,0,en
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist,1,en
"if mr . bigger has a baby , which one is bigger? the baby is , he's just a little bigger .",0,en
teacher : you aren't paying attention to me . are you having trouble hearing? pupil : no teacher i'm having trouble listening !,0,en
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too,1,en
"If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I'm next.",1,en
There was a school shooting at my school today. I even got to keep the gun when I left!,0,en
Who was the roundest knight at the King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference,0,en
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.,1,en
What do you call social networking for magical creatures? Faebook.,1,en
"if you smell burnt toast, you may be having a stroke threedots but if you also smell bacon then you're probably having breakfast .",0,en
"In most of the country, if you lose your khakis you have no pants. But in Boston, if you lose your khakis you can't start your car",1,en
after a bad day i came home to find that somebody has ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. it just goes from bad to worse,1,en
"her : what do you do? me : i drill for oil . g : that sounds interesting . m : no , it's really threedots h : don't do it , i'll leave m : threedots just boring",0,en
"special shout out to the cia, who were pouring cold water on people before the "" ice bucket challenge "" made it cool",1,en
"what "" s the difference between tuna and chicken? a shower",0,en
Did you hear Giuseppe went to the bowling alley last night? Ebola perfect game!,0,en
"Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.",0,en
"instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation , try clapping and nodding. people will stop talking to you",0,en
what do blondes do after they comb their hair? they pull up their pants .,1,en
I'm going to start making my own baby food. What's the best cut of baby,1,en
Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxis.,0,en
"paddy was rushed to hospital after he became slightly ill at the boxing gym it was only belly ache, but he tried to swallow the medicine ball .",1,en
"Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.",1,en
"knowledge is like underwear. it is useful to have it , but it's not necessary to show it off",1,en
What do organic mathematicians put in their fireplaces? Natural logs.,1,en
Have you seen the photo of me and REM? That's me in the corner.,0,en
What's the first place Dora explored? The mexican border.,0,en
why did the blind man swing his seeing eye dog around by the tail? he was taking a look around,1,en
How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs? They sit eggsaminations !,1,en
I thought my watch ran out of battery power. It scared me for a second,0,en
"So I'm reading that ""twerking"" and ""selfie"" have been added to the dictionary. ""Future"" and ""optimism"" have been removed",1,en
"If a buzzing insect saw the alphabet, would. a bee see",1,en
"What did the figurine say when the boot flew past her protective dome? ""That was a cloche call!""",1,en
my wife has been really cold to me lately. ever since she passed away,1,en
What's wet and inky? A fountain pen,0,en
i ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon. i'll let you know,0,en
i was watching the london marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. i thought : ' this could be interesting ',1,en
"Whats the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas? When he gets a sweater, but he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.",0,en
It's not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling,0,en
"Two men walk into a bar. They're blind, it happens",0,en
"i'll take an ice cream sandwich please. you know what ? i'm trying to be healthy , can you change that to an ice cream salad instead ? thanks",0,en
Where are average things manufactured? In the satisfactory.,1,en
"my wife thinks i have a gambling habit. she hasn't said anything , but i can bet that's what she is thinking",1,en
"I once got diarrhea on a road trip but I went on, undeterred.",0,en
What do you call a vibrating cat? An ocellate.,1,en
"Dear Stephanie on Facebook, I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club. I only want to know what channel it's on",0,en
Say what you will about drag queens. but they get into more woman's pants than I do,1,en
what's a mimes favorite class at school? speech and debate,1,en
i recently became friends with someone from central europe we met at a chess tournament and i've never once beaten him in a game. he's my czech mate,1,en
"old tourist joke german tourist arrives at a french airport . immigration officer asks him : "" occupation? "" the german replies : "" no , no , just visiting . """,1,en
who ever said time cannot be bought? i bought some thyme yesterday .,0,en
"a man walk into a bank and yells : this is a robbery and banker replies : it is, now give me your money .",1,en
why couldn't the buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email? he had no attachments .,0,en
"What's common between ""I love you"" and ""Made in China"" ? They both come with no warranty.",1,en
what do we want ? another question! when do we want it ? thanks,0,en
I treat my television in the same way that I treat my girlfriends. I abandon them and subscribe to Netflix,0,en
What's the capital of Canada? Tim Hortons.,0,en
My late Father drove JCB's all his working life. Colleagues at his funeral told me that he has left behind.. ..a hole that can never be filled.,1,en
The burglar couldn't decide whether he should break into a house or go to Scotland to photograph Nessie... He eventually picked the Loch.,1,en
what's the longest island in new york? long island .,0,en
"A man to a woman: ""Excuse me, I'm looking for the station."" The woman: ""I forgive you, keep looking.""",1,en
"I was so tired during Hunger Games, I was nodding as much as Phillip Seymour Hoffman",0,en
"Man overboard! If a man falls off a boat you yell: ""Man overboard!"" If a woman falls off a boat however what do you yell? ... ... ""Full speed ahead!""",1,en
What's the difference between Batman and BLM? Batman can go out at night without robin.,1,en
"as an atheist , i often wonder : "" what would jesus do? "" and then i do nothing",1,en
"a blonde was attempting to swim across the english channel. but she got tired halfway , and swam back",0,en
"maybe if i do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table .",1,en
I broke my bones in three places Patient: I broke my bones in three places Doctor: Then don't go to those three places,1,en
why do people go to bed? because the bed won't come to them .,1,en
"What do you call a bee with a toe? ""Toby""",1,en
"Why did Dwayne ""The Rock"" Johnson have to change his diet? Because his nutritionist said he had too many minerals in his system!",1,en
My wife moans at me to say I did' instead of I done' because it's not proper grammar. Easier said than did,1,en
what did the doctor do after he finished reading the book? he removed the appendix !,0,en
did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life? he had a stable job . i guess uh threedots i'll just leave,0,en
"Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.",0,en
"Did you hear about that new supervillain, The Weather Man? I hear he's taking the world by storm",0,en
want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together? the air hockey table . all our bathrooms have one .,1,en
What do you call a greedy crab? Shell fish......,1,en
Why was the girl's bellybutton bruised? Because her boyfriend was blind.,0,en
"as a scarecrow , people say i'm outstanding in my field. it's in my jeans",1,en
"Did you hear about Elon Musk's X in Virginia? They had a firey start, then a major break up.",0,en
what do you call cheese that isn't yours? someone else's cheese .,1,en
"My wife's got a latex allergy, so I substituted the condom for a bread bag. Now she's got a yeast infection",1,en
Making dinner in a slow cooker involves two of my favorite things: food and panicking that I've left an appliance on for seven hours.,1,en
"Carl: Gonna be a hot one today. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions. Me: Fair enough, Carl.",0,en
what's the difference between a cat and compound sentence? one has claws at the end of it's paws...the other has a pause at the end of it's clause.,1,en
I've always wondered what periods were like. Could someone give me a demenstruation,1,en
I like my like like I like my like Liked,0,en
What do you call a swimming hole in the middle of a farm? A rural pool.,1,en
Did you hear about Dictionary: The Musical? It's a play on words...,1,en
if i told you you have a beautiful body. would you hold it against me,0,en
why are valley girls so odd? they can't even .,1,en
What would the Pilsbury Doughboy be if photos of him were constantly being put on magazine covers? A roll model.,1,en
how do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat? you use a spirit level .,1,en
My girlfriend asked where the dog went. I told her I was making a traditional asian dish,1,en
I've got a good joke for you guys. But you've probably all Reddit before,0,en
what do you call a jar of mayonnaise stuck in quicksand? sinko de mayo,0,en
As advertised I opened a can of evaporated milk today. It was empty,1,en
The Inventor of the jug died today. Tributes have been pouring in,1,en
my girlfriend put on a few pounds recently. that explains why i'm attracted to her more,1,en
Where did the young girl go when the bomb went off? Everywhere.,0,en
"Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg and some days you're that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.",0,en
Einstein wrote a theory about Space. It was about time too,1,en
"How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.",0,en
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars. I let them sit there and think about what they've done,0,en
What did the quiet kid do when the teacher took his book? He pulled out his magazine,1,en
"Sorry, I can't make it. Can't find my ""goin out"" sweatpants",0,en
"In my whole life, the only thing I have proved is I'm not a robot on chrome.",0,en
What is big hairy and can fly? King Kongcorde !,0,en
why do the french only have one egg for breakfast? because one egg is un oeuf .,1,en
"once i saw a horse standing next to a car and when someone remote unlocked the car, the horse got spooked and kicked in the passenger door.",1,en
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane? A flightoplankton.,1,en
What's your favorite stereotype? Mine is the boom box.,1,en
how can you get rich by eating? eat fortune cookies .,1,en
what do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on? steer clear,0,en
Which element is the top three? Podium,1,en
What do you call a woman on crutches? A broken dishwasher,1,en
"The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he'll spare my life",1,en
"I asked a fetus if it wanted some food, and it replied: 'no thanks... ... I gestate.'",1,en
"there are two kind of business on earth threedots one is not your business, and the other is not my business .",0,en
what's a moo hoo for a young calf? a new moo !,0,en
what's the least spoken language in the world? sign language .,1,en
what the difference between what's the difference between a chick pea and lentil? i've never paid to have a lentil on me !,0,en
Did you hear about the guy who almost won the Boston Marathon? He lost by a foot,1,en
"What kind of house does Fonzie live in? An ""A"" frame...",0,en
"How many Oxford alumni are needed to change a lightbulb? One, and the rest to brag about it.",1,en
Why did Elsa lose her kite? She let it go.,0,en
The hardest part about sleeping with a woman isn't asking her out. It's trying to hide the body.,1,en
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth. Its pasteurized before you even see it,1,en
Mother's day Best day in the world. If you're into milfs.,0,en
"despite hating tomatoes , i was a tomato in a school play. i put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because i was a professional",1,en
What do you call a rabbit in a beanie and listening to vinyl? A Hopster.,1,en
What's the difference between a toddler and a swimming pool? The pool doesn't scream when I go in dry.,1,en
I once told my mom to eat a Snickers Turns out it wasn't her hunger that was making her mad,1,en
what game do two strangers with social anxiety play? don't break the ice,1,en
q : how do you make a peanut laugh? a : you crack it up .,0,en
What country makes the most milk? Nepal,1,en
"a man died and the whole country was in mourning then it became the afternoon, followed by the evening and then the night .",1,en
what do you call a man without a beard? a woman .,1,en
how many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? light bulb .,1,en
it's good to meet girl in park. but better to park meat in girl,0,en
"dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but i think they're only saying that because they're dolphins .",1,en
"i listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar .",1,en
I'm reading a horror story in braille Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it,0,en
"Have you ever heard about ""Deaf Society""? Neither do they",1,en
"I was invited to a party... The dress code said ""black tie only"". But when I got there, I noticed other people had worn shirts and trousers too",1,en
I googled your mom last night. I had to open two tabs,0,en
"Shooting today at Youtube headquarters in California. There would've been more victims, but loading times were slow. ",1,en
Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise? She heard he was in a few good men.,0,en
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat? He had to get a new goat !,0,en
You know whats Red and White all over A dead cow cause that how dead this subreddit is now.,0,en
How do parents punish blind kids? They rearrange furniture in the house.,1,en
"If Steve Jobs can do that to the iPhone, think what he could do to Verne Troyer.",0,en
"if you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people .",0,en
do you know why i like camping? because it's intense .,1,en
Why couldn't the octopus take off her bra? It had suction cups.,0,en
"I'm not saying the character Merida was modeled after me, but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.",1,en
What's the most confusing day in Detroit? Father's Day,0,en
"The more fanciful embroidery you have on the back pockets of your jeans, the less I value you as a person.",1,en
"My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.",1,en
did you know the right woman can make you a millionaire? you just have to start as a billionaire .,0,en
Why did Columbine high school lose the basketball game? Because they lost their two best shooters,1,en
If a priest is preparing to sacrifice something or preparing for holy communion... Is he in his altar ego?,1,en
Dad I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to it already has its own spots,0,en
I went to buy a bag of air. They accidentally put potato chips in it,0,en
What did Shang Tsung say when he stole Liu Kang's shoes? Your sole is mine!,0,en
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.,0,en
"What do you do when you stub your toe? Call a ""toe"" truck.",1,en
why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope? the knife just wasn't cutting it .,1,en
what are some good fruit jokes? my friend is doing a video project for school and needs fruit jokes .,0,en
"I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, ""Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?"" I said, ""Yes, please. The doctor.""",1,en
"you think i'm over dramatic? when an octopus gets upset , it eats itself . that's over dramatic .",1,en
what type of flour do you buy an orphan? self raising .,1,en
I got fired from the calendar factory. I guess I shouldn't have taken so many days off,1,en
You know who's even bigger than Ariana Grande? Ariana Venti.,0,en
me : i heard oxygen and magnesium are going out. friend : omg !,0,en
what do reindeer have that other animals don't have? baby reindeer,1,en
What do you call a seagull that catches you sleeping? A baegull.,1,en
what's a skeletons favourite shop? the body shop .,0,en
"its like they say, don't judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange .",1,en
"""Is that your dog? "" ""No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves""",1,en
"If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda. Then he'd have a full orca straw.",1,en
How do you get eleven million followers? Run through Africa with a bottle of water.,0,en
pick out a dog at an animal shelter and everything's ok. pick out a girlfriend at a woman's shelter and everyone loses their mind,0,en
What is the difference between a car and a dead body? I dont have a car in my garage.,0,en
three blondes were on an escalator at the shopping mall when the power suddenly went out. the were stranded for two hours,1,en
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!,0,en
"A horse is getting brushed by his owner, The horse is like ""You my mane man"".",1,en
which is the best side of a banana to eat? the inside threedots,0,en
"The CEO of Nutella has died. A memorial dinner will be served straight from the jar, over the sink at midnight",1,en
I love watching people in wheelchairs fight bullies Great to see them stand up for themselves,0,en
"If I work as a janitor at an office, does that mean that every time I change a lightbulb I climb the corporate ladder?",1,en
what do you call a guy who always phones people? colin .,0,en
divorce is tough on some kids. others are just happy to be single again,1,en
"i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task",1,en
I like my woman as I like my program's code object oriented,1,en
Gandhi The World's Most Famous Anorexic,1,en
why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing? because they've got the same colour trunks .,1,en
did you hear about the constipated composer? he couldn't finish the last movement .,1,en
What type of cheese lives under your bed? Muenster.,0,en
q : what's small red and goes up and down? a : a tomato in an elevator .,0,en
as told to me by my dad who smokes a lot did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for christmas? clothes but no cigar .,1,en
For doughnuts and women the same advice goes. Pipe them full of cream then sell them to strangers.,1,en
"LG is like XDA... ... they release a phone and they go like ""Any problems? You tell me"".",1,en
What do you call The Dynamic Duo after they got hit by a steamroller? Flatman and Ribbon,1,en
I don't believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn't get any balance laying on his shell,1,en
teeth are so weird. imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them,1,en
"life and coffee i like my life like i like my coffee, as dark as it can possibly get .",0,en
"I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with ""Just in case I crash again""",1,en
"i wear my heart on my sleeve because if i wore it on my chest, it'd just get mustard stains on it .",1,en
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion? There was debrie everywhere!,0,en
Visited a website for orphans Couldn't get the homepage to load,0,en
Just got a houseplant. Can't wait til it grows a house,0,en
What do you call an Italian turtle? turtellini.,1,en
What's it called when you try not to get knocked unconscious by a Taser? Resisting a rest.,0,en
"Son: Mommy, mommy this red soup is terrible! Mom: Be quiet child, we only get this once a month.",0,en
What's the difference between an Alto and a Tenor? The Tenor doesn't have hair on his back.,1,en
What the common thing between a couple arguing and a FBI raid? Both have a chance of ending with a gunshot,1,en
i ate a pizza. just kidding lol,0,en
"A kid is just like a home cooked meal After you eat them, you usually come back for seconds.",1,en
New sub? The BLM bot is very annoying. We should make a new sub so that we don't have to deal with it. Is this a good idea?,0,en
what did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover? i want hue .,1,en
"Yesterday this lady was telling me about how her husband killed himself. Which was odd, because she seemed nice to me.",1,en
"Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity... But that's not my wife's name.",0,en
Why was the Headless Horseman depressed? He could never seem to get ahead in life.,1,en
"Thank you, possum, for rustling outside the window when some show about serial killers is on. It really helped with my insomnia",1,en
"""It's not the principle, it's the money. "" Spike Milligan RIP",0,en
Why did the man keep reloading the picture of the candy cane at the potluck? He was in charge of refresh mints.,1,en
"Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I'm about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library",0,en
What is a neckbeard's favorite fish? M'ahi,0,en
you know what they say about a guy with big feet? big shoes .,0,en
What other body parts did Voldemort not have apart from his nose? His legs and arms.. because he was disarmed and defeated.,0,en
why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic? he wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere .,1,en
"Kid at dinner time: momy, I don't like grandpa... Mother: it's ok, just eat the potatoes.",0,en
The Thirst Rule of Africa Club is... Keep walking.,1,en
Why dont you eat vegan? I dont like the taste of tossing salad,0,en
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.,1,en
"Spotlight uh, moonlight uh, Jah got shot at a stop sign uh.",0,en
what do you call a girl that goes down right after you just met? ronda rousey,0,en
okay ready? what if ancient egyptians put cats on everything because they totally saw the future and they knew what the internet was about,1,en
What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!,0,en
What were the founding father's favorite cereals? Chex and Balance,1,en
"I like my women how i like my lightbulbs Easily turned on, not too bright, and hung from the ceiling with electrical wire...",0,en
I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare,0,en
can't live without your coffee? tweet about it !,0,en
why is it best to wear leather when sneaking around? it's made of hide,1,en
"What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.",1,en
What do women and tiles have in common? If you lay them right the first time you can walk over them forever.,1,en
what do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? a crab apple !,0,en
What did people start calling the medical school that allowed animals to study medicine? The hippocampus.,1,en
why is the beach wet? cause the seaweed,0,en
What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda,1,en
Who is a Graduate student's least favorite Greek Hero? Thesus,1,en
My favorite part of the zoo is the gorilla exhibit Because it reminds me of my plantation and the good times,1,en
I realize that I'm obviously not learning from my mistakes. I still get up every morning and go to work,1,en
did you hear about the blond who got pregnant? she wasn't sure if the baby was hers !,0,en
"There's no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.",1,en
the doctor told me i couldn't lift large objects for two weeks after surgery. guess i'll be peeing sitting down for awhile,1,en
Why are there so few priests in Florida? Because they don't have any basements,1,en
If at first you don't succeed.... Skydiving definitely isn't for you.,0,en
You can tell a lot about a person. by not keeping their secrets,0,en
""" doctor doctor , everyone keeps ignoring me! "" "" next please . """,0,en
"Found a copy of ""Dr. No"" in German, and it only set me back nein euro",1,en
"i wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but i'm out of scratch .",0,en
What is a metal vocalists favourite cheese? Brieeee,0,en
What's the difference between MLK day and St. Patty's day? On St Patty's day everyone wants to be Irish.,1,en
the four states of matter: solid liquid gas black,1,en
Calm down penguins. You're just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus,1,en
What do you call two recently married spiders? Newlywebs,1,en
Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all of the coffin.,1,en
whats the difference between a guitar and a girl? I guitar doesn't complain if I finger it in public,1,en
"If you love batman, let him go. Batman returns",0,en
What's the only acceptable filetype at The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning? .docx,0,en
Why did the researcher take his paper to the harbour? To get it pier reviewed.,1,en
Me: how many chromosomes do you have Tard:probly more then u,0,en
"I have no idea how she died, your honor. All I know is, she was alive when I buried her.",0,en
What do you tell a depressed man in therapy Hang in there!,0,en
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? A: Without him the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.,0,en
Did you hear about the new gourmet cereal chef? His name is Golden Grahamsay.,0,en
Why aren't burgers the least bit scared of Halloween? They're used to people 'goblin' them!,0,en
mother : has your tooth stopped hurting yet? threedots son : i don't know . the dentist kept it,0,en
girl: brrrr it's cold haha me: you. you want my kimono,0,en
"Don't you hate it when. you spend thirty minutes searching for a video, only to close it two minutes later",0,en
Why are crabs always tired? They only sleep in snatches.,1,en
what's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? a mouse sandwich !,0,en
"I gave each candle on our Advent wreath a name. David, Aharon, Elijah and Shmuel.",1,en
"Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi's baby.",1,en
"I forgot where boomerangs land. Oh, wait. It's coming back to me.",0,en
Q: What do you call the hair of a centaur? A: Humane.,0,en
they used to laugh when i said i wanted to be a comedian. well they're not laughing now !,0,en
let me tell you a statistics joke . what is a car in the u.s .? a mode of transportation . : d,0,en
Q: What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? A: She was beside herself.,0,en
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice while on vacation. My gondolences,0,en
Whats the hardest part of cooking a potato? Signing the legal guardian paperwork,0,en
"I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock.... I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds. I'm here all day..",0,en
When you're as good at levitation as I am. It's hard to keep your feet on the ground,1,en
"two utensils are laying in bed threedots one turns to the other and says "" wanna spoon? "" the other replied , "" no , i'd rather fork . """,1,en
Where do really smart birds roost? In a dictonaerie.,1,en
How does the Addidas executive work through the night? Three lines,1,en
what's the smartest pizza? combination with nobel peppers .,1,en
What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad,1,en
What do you call an ocean of orange soda? A fantasy,0,en
How much of northern Canada is habitable? Nunavut,1,en
"Told my dad about watching Friends on Netflix... Replies with: ""It's better than watching enemies on netflix.""",1,en
"my grandma bought my grandpa a new pair of pants . when she asked how they fit, he responded "" like a cheap castle . there's no ball room . """,1,en
What do you call a holy plant? d'Vine,1,en
"if i had no emotions, i don't know how i'd feel about it .",1,en
"At my age, a ""stiffy"" is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.",1,en
"Your girlfriend is imaginary... Nope, she's real. She just hasn't arrived yet.",0,en
What city will Leo Dicaprio never visit? Osaka.,0,en
What do you call an iguana that thinks it's a dog? A reptile dysfunction.,1,en
"Cherish your high school friendships, those people will be strangers for the rest of your life.",0,en
"I find certain races unattractive. Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble",1,en
"I'm so proud of my self, I decided I'm going to stop procrastinating and do something with my life! Starting tomorrow...",0,en
She told me to go deeper. But I was all out of poems,1,en
what do you call a gynecologist? lip reader,1,en
"Me: ""Can I see the baby? "" Sister: ""Yes, but only if she's awake."" Me, through a megaphone: ""NOT A PROBLEM.""",0,en
"Jake and the Cat Man: One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.",1,en
I once ate an exclamation mark. it was surprisingly good,1,en
why is dog man's best friend? they keep the mailman away from his wife,1,en
What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north? A pair of ducks.,1,en
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years,1,en
"found out the name of my neighbor's cat. in other news , i now have free internet",0,en
Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now. BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT,0,en
"how do you know if someone has run a marathon? don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
She was so shocked when her hair started to turn grey. She thought she'd dye.,1,en
today is world alzheimer's day! just in case you forgot .,0,en
How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four one to hold the pot and three to act macho and shake the stove.,1,en
"I'm a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me",0,en
I like my girls as I like my mistakes Minor,1,en
"you see me driving ' round town with your alzheimer's mom and she's like, forget you .",0,en
I auditioned for a TV show for people with broken bones. I didn't make the cast,1,en
What kind of car does a rodent drive? A moustang. I need to go to bed.,0,en
"What did J. Robert Oppenheimer say after inventing the weedwhacker? ""I am become death, destroyer of weeds.""",1,en
How do you tell if water is true or false? Bring it to a bool.,1,en
What's the best way to send a letter to Prince Charles? Heir mail,0,en
"My doctor constantly says I'm artistic. I don't know why he keeps mispronouncing it, though",1,en
What happened when the Mrs. Smith's truck collided with the Tastykake truck? Pyrex,0,en
What do you call a man who excels at fishing? A master baiter,1,en
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence? A: She wasn't used to the front seat!,0,en
"HIV is a quite common disease According to the statistics ""One of Two and a half men gets it""",1,en
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultrygeist!,1,en
How does Robin hood send messages around Sherwood Forest? By tree mail!,0,en
No evidence is good enough for a Creationist. But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist,1,en
"I just got a vasectomy  I feel like it's a big change, but I don't feel a vas deferens.",1,en
What are goosebumps for? To slow down speeding geese!,0,en
what's the difference between public hair and pubic hair? pants .,1,en
I heard Lebanon has a huge firework shortage The market must be booming,1,en
What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.,0,en
Chuck Norris knows What Willis is talkin' about,0,en
"when there's still peanut butter on the knife after a dishwasher run, i just put it in the drawer because that peanut butter is clean .",1,en
son let me tell you about the birds and the bees. I left a window opened and they flew in and now I'm scared to go in that room,0,en
what has two legs and bleeds a lot? half a cat .,1,en
I dressed up for Halloween today. I went as someone who suffers from dyslexia,1,en
"what did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed? "" i think we're in sink . """,1,en
What's the difference between David Lee Roth and Snoop Lion? David Lee Roth was in Van Halen Snoop Lion was in a van in halen,0,en
"why did the yankee wolf like southern ladies? by the time they said "" i'm not that kind of girl "" they were .",1,en
"I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. not because I'm sick, but because they have free pudding if you're fast enough",0,en
My doctor and I recently had an extensive conversation about ADHD. Wonder what that is.,1,en
"teacher to child : ' do you know how to spell banana? child : ' yes , but i don't know when to stop ' .",0,en
airport burritos. this could be bad news for the people on my next flight,1,en
if you take half from a half dollar what do you have? a dollar .,1,en
"life is like a box of chocolabtes. if sombody loves u, they wil share their box of chocolabtes with u",0,en
"Thank you for calling the law office of... Dewey, Chetum, and Hao",0,en
What did they serve for lunch at Jurassic Park? Chilean Sea Bass. Spared no expense. Didn't you watch the movie,1,en
What is a Pokemon master's favorite kind of pasta? Wartortellini!,0,en
Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised? Her boyfriend was blond too,1,en
"I used to be conceited,. but now I'm perfect",0,en
Why ed has no girlfriend? Cz sheeran,0,en
How to attract R Kelly with a guitar ? B Minor,1,en
what happened when the reporter fell into the water? she became an anchor,1,en
"What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator? I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.",1,en
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery,1,en
"Less well known than Ernest Hemingway's ""A Farewell to Arms"". is his sequel, ""Oh Hello Arms I Didn't Think I'd See You Again""",1,en
"I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.",1,en
Who was Noah's wife? Joan of Ark,0,en
why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory? because she was fed up with the hole business .,1,en
What Cell Phone Company does Usain Bolt use? Sprint,1,en
what is et short for? so he can fit in the spaceship .,1,en
Darth Vader: What is the temperature of my son's lightsaber? Lukewarm.,0,en
Who was the blind horse jealous of? The seahorse.,0,en
how did godzilla escape the trains? he threw them off their tracks .,1,en
i'm having car trouble. i can't afford to put gas in it,0,en
"I'll pronounce vegan ""veegan"", when vegetables become ""veegetables"".",1,en
"naps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving .",1,en
What is a guitar players favorite Italian food? Strumboli,1,en
what did the lactose intolerant man say after eating an ice cream cone? please excuse my dairy air,0,en
unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: worrying about money .,1,en
"Santa knows if I've been bad or good, so he and my browser history have a lot in common.",0,en
What's a nun's favorite fruit? cantaloupe,0,en
"Since It's summer here's a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey",1,en
"Foerginer : Excuse me, is there a toilet nearby? India : It's called the footpath and you're walking on it...",0,en
"i have as much authority as the pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it .",1,en
I turned in my letter of resignation to my smug supervisor at the refrigeration plant. He accepted it with his usual air of condensation,1,en
What's the difference between a pool and a toddler? A pool doesn't cry when I go in dry,1,en
q : what is the best time to eat reindeer meat? a : when you're hungry .,0,en
What happened when the astrophysicist lost a competition? He got a constellation prize.,1,en
"french girls are great threedots for example, my french girlfriend taught me how to eat out in the bush .",1,en
"before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone .",0,en
one did one redditor say to the other? heard it .,1,en
i totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot,1,en
you want to know what marriage is like? think of a prison threedots now don't change anything .,0,en
"""We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you're gonna be the one to do it"" ""I...uhhh... Wha? "" ""Nailed it. Next state.""",0,en
did you hear about the the horse that got shot? he's in stable condition .,1,en
What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common? They are both going to miss every body.,1,en
what's the difference between olive garden and reddit? at olive garden the servers actually work .,0,en
What's coming on your test Nothing that you learnt ,1,en
What do epileptic people see before they die? The light Then the dark Then the light Then the dark,1,en
"If a dog ran away every three nights and had an orange tail, what would that make it? I think it would still be a dog...",1,en
"when i asked for my wife's hand in marriage, i didn't realize how often i'd just get the finger .",1,en
adam and eve did you know eve was the first carpenter? she made adam's banana stand .,0,en
"what does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? synonym toast crunch if you said synonym life , please leave .",0,en
"Being Poor A man complains to his wife saying, ""We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes! "" And she says...",1,en
what do you call a horse who likes to carry all the groceries? a one trip pony : d,0,en
why did the baker keep going to the atm? he kneaded the dough,1,en
What does a scientist who has an epiphany while peeing say? Urea!,0,en
what's up? some movie about an old guy and balloons .,0,en
Why did the injured footballer buy a big bag of salt after he blew out his knee? Because he needed NaCl. ,1,en
""" wow these chicken wings are spicy "" i say aloud to no one, the world ended years ago . i'm not even eating wings . even the sun has gone",1,en
A German plumber went to repair some pipes for a Jewish family He connected the gas lines to the shower,1,en
What do you get if you cross Bambi and a ghost? Bamboo,0,en
My girlfriend is a solid nine Wait... she might be eight,0,en
"Jason Bateman origin story: On a field trip to a scientific lab as a teen, he was bitten by a radioactive Jason Bate.",1,en
Did you hear about the new show about a camel on a cow ranch? It's been called a dairy drama about a dromedary.,1,en
What are your thoughts on new soup technology? I say Progresso at any cost.,0,en
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...,0,en
save the whales. collect the whole set,0,en
what do you do if a girl sits on your hand? try to get her off !,0,en
"hey , sorry i missed your call. i saw your name on the caller id and i didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you",0,en
You guys remember John Lennon's last hit?? The concrete. ,0,en
If a server comes to my table and asks 'hows everythin tasting? ' mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer,1,en
What are the benefits of being a priest? You get to do a minor no matter what your performance is.,1,en
"people say , "" why buy the cow , if you get the milk for free? "" but i don't see anyone buying a car with out a test drive .",1,en
what did the pregnant blonde ask at the doctor's office? threedots is it mine,0,en
"I can't Colbert it, they were the Stewartship of my news and entertainment.",1,en
Why do orphans like to go to church? Because they get to call someone father,1,en
I'm not saying that I haven't incorporated math into my adult life. I'm just saying I could've dropped out after elementary school,1,en
do you know why the baby jesus wasn't born in iowa? they couldn't find three wise men !,0,en
there is a company called kia and a company called nokia. i'm not sure who to believe,1,en
Did you hear about all the Hamburgers that showed up at the Hot Dogs' prom? They were in abundance.,1,en
What's a group of disabled police officers called? Special forces,1,en
I started a merkabah business. It really took off,1,en
"Urethra! I've done it! ...says the gynecologist after a spectacular discovery. ""I don't think that's quite right sir, "" says the patient.",1,en
"when lil john goes to a hotel and they ask him if he wants turn down service , does he refuse? that's all .",0,en
Did you hear about the blond who got hurt while raking leaves? she fell off the tree.,0,en
"it takes a woman to make a man a millionaire threedots threedots but first, he must be a billionaire .",0,en
It's so sad. that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs,0,en
"Jesus take the wheel... Carlos, you take the stereo. I'll take look out",0,en
"tomorrow I am going to find the tomb of Ben Franklin and whisper stories of old and lusty ladies into his ear, as he would have wished it",0,en
Hey give us a wave Indonesia give us a wave,0,en
why was the mathematician stressed out? he was in a dilemma .,1,en
"i always leave the room when my son's imaginary friend comes to play. i've seen ' the sixth sense ' and frankly , i'm not taking any chances",1,en
What did the bassist say when he played too high? I'm in treble now,1,en
What do you find in an empty nose? Fingerprints.,1,en
"admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but you're on facebook instead .",0,en
teacher : where is your homework? pupil : i lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school,1,en
A good joke is like an unvaccinated child It never gets old.,1,en
"I said to my wife, ""I need to call the doctor today."" She asked, ""Which doctor?"" I smiled back, ""No, the regular kind.""",1,en
I was having trouble understanding the importance of the computer mouse. And then it clicked,0,en
"q . what did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? a . "" rough rough "" .",0,en
"What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, starts with a 'C' ends in a 'T' and has a 'U' and an 'N' in it? coconut.",1,en
"how do you know if someone's from texas? don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
Mac miller is now in fact taller In australia,1,en
"Why dont Canadian colleges have spring break First, you need spring.",0,en
why don't owls make love in the rain? because it's too wet to woo .,0,en
Some people make remarks about my dandruff. I just brush it off,1,en
"I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read ""Future Events. "" Well, that's a sign of things to come",1,en
Peanut butter and jelly don't love each other. but I always find them in bread together,0,en
"i'm just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something .",0,en
two types of people there are two types of people in this world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data,1,en
My parrot got himself a new suit. It's polly ester,0,en
Why did the school shooter put a silencer on the gun? He finished the job in the library ,1,en
What is the name of Tyler perry's son? Tyler Perry's son.,0,en
I like to make a sandwich with just cucumbers and pickles. I call it the Before and After,1,en
Jason Collins joke Jason Collins finally comes out. He had to go through a hell of a lot of hoops though,0,en
What would Economics be without assumptions? Accounting,1,en
"Hey guys, look! Original content made it on to ifunny",0,en
What is a pirates nightmare date? A girl with a sunken chest and no booty,0,en
is no shave november just for men? asking for my female italian coworker and her mustache .,0,en
Ethiopians seem to be in tune with the current diet trends. Fasting is their favourite.,1,en
The Italian faucet. When it drips it goes wopwopwopwopwopwopwopwop,0,en
What do you call a homeless Italian man? Giovanni Change,1,en
What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior? Yall nailed it.,1,en
"When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm? Intermittenly.",0,en
"Timmy, tell us what the astronomy professor told you before he touched you The G spot is in Uranus",0,en
"Facebook needs a ""settle down"" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.",0,en
"used parachute for sale. only used once , never been opened",1,en
"You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.",0,en
You know why vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism? They live past the age of three,1,en
fishes miss a lot of calls. they always seem to be stuck on a line,1,en
"the worst things in life are free, too .",0,en
Boss:I need you to do something for me... Me:what? Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job,0,en
Whiteboards are amazing! They're just so remarkable,0,en
"I was at the Post Office.... When I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope. I asked, ""what are you doing ??"" The blonde replied, ""Sending a voice mail"".... ",1,en
what's the difference between a teenager and a radioactive element? radioactive elements last longer .,1,en
I'm a Poet. and I didn't even realise until just then,1,en
explosion where did the little girl go after the explosion? everywhere .,0,en
"what did silver say to gold? "" au ! """,1,en
What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant sir!,0,en
What are the similarities between an apple and a depressed kid They both hang from trees,1,en
"my nephew asked , "" what's the secret to a long life? "" i said , "" never order vegetarian in texas """,1,en
You know I think Fight Club is pretty underrated. Nobody talks about it these days,0,en
What does Madeleine McCann and the World Cup have in common? Neither of them are coming home. ,1,en
What do the wage gap and the story of Hercules have in common? They're both myths. EDIT: spelling,1,en
"Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like",0,en
a lot more happened on board the titanic than you might think. the movie just touched on the tip of the iceberg,0,en
I use to have a soap addiction. But I'm clean now,0,en
how did san diego get its name? someone dropped their waffle on the beach .,1,en
Did you hear about the missing dalmatian? It's been spotted.,1,en
"my friend just joined a reggae band playing the triangle, he says it's easy threedots all he has to do is stand at the back ' n ' ting .",1,en
"What would you do if a kid in your class jumped out of set and took of his shirt, then ran out of the class and hoped onto a segway.",1,en
There was a man who left a boombox on a mountain. The rocks were rocking on,0,en
"where do hipsters get their water? from a well , actually .",1,en
"When it comes to broken digits, who can point a finger as to the cause?",1,en
what do you call kosher ice? iceberg,1,en
why does the swimming pool get laid every night? because he makes all the ladies wet .,1,en
Two elephants and a snake jumped off a cliff. Boom Boom Tsss,0,en
how do you know that santa is a man? no woman wears the same attire every year .,1,en
"What is the best way to get called a ,""genius? "" ...by losing a billion dollars in business.",1,en
Why did Rosemary get kicked out of the spice rack? For swallowing Poppy's Seed,0,en
How does an electrician prepare for traveling? He packs light.,1,en
how do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them? they'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs .,1,en
"Did you know they made a movie on blm? Its called ""rise of the planet of the apes""",1,en
"Always remember that children can drown in as little as an inch of water So please, if you are drowning children, don't waste water. ",0,en
this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast. I'm assuming one of their guests died overnight,1,en
Easter in the US is fun But Easter in Sri Lanka is the bomb,1,en
Nicki Minaj is probably my favorite Dr. Seuss character,1,en
What's the name of Stephen Hawkings' brother who he's very jealous of Stephen Walking,0,en
relationship status: very relieved towels can't get pregnant .,1,en
where does a burger feel at home? on the range !,0,en
what does lebron james do after winning the nba championship? he turns off his xbox .,1,en
"Nic Cage was a straight A highschool student but he slacked off one semester. When he got his report card, he shouted ""Bs! Not the Bs!""",1,en
What does a Kardashian and a Barbie factory have in common? The amount of plastic inside them. ,1,en
You might as well call me New Year's Resolution. Because no one's going to do me,0,en
"i was going to buy a greek yogurt today , every little helps. come on guys , lets pull together",0,en
"i took a piano lesson with elton john threedots he was so nice, he even offered to push in my stool .",1,en
Why couldn't Princess Leia find love? She was looking in Alderaan places.,0,en
"Safety first. Just kidding, coffee first. Safety's like third or fourth.",0,en
hr : you're late. do you even know what time it is ? thor : hammer time ? hr : get out,0,en
sally why could sally never answer questions about her previous husbands? they all beat her .,1,en
"it's a sad day today for eminem fans. not for any particular reason , just because their lives are generally very sad and meaningless",1,en
My crush finally likes me back. How did I do it? Stockholm Syndrome. ,1,en
People seem very hopeful about the news of water in Mars. But I take it with a grain of salt,1,en
Requires some effort from your side! Type a comment for the joke,0,en
"Her lips were saying ""no"". But her eyes were saying ""read my lips""",1,en
how do you get a musician off of your porch? you pay for the pizza .,1,en
"What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert? ""Don't stop! Be leaving!"" Just a joke I thought up the other day.",1,en
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win,0,en
Why was the homeless man's body cremated? Because he urned it,1,en
doctor doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible! what sister ?,0,en
I was watching Jersey Shore the other day when I thought. I didn't know I had animal planet,1,en
No matter how nice the hand soap smells... NEVER walk out of the bathroom sniffing your hands.,0,en
"Probably too soon. But it looks like Peaches Geldof doesn't like Mondays, either",0,en
what do you call a retired professional swimmer? washed up .,1,en
"parents, what's the right age to explain to a fox news anchor that santa isn't real ?",1,en
What will antivax kids tell their grandchildren? Nothing.,0,en
Here's a good joke Not this sub. Bots made it a bad joke,0,en
Jesus and the blind man... What did Jesus say after he healed the blind man? Made you look!,0,en
did u hear about the crow that landed a job? he works in a caw center. he's winging it for now but it might take off,0,en
"An interesing title If theres something you need, be ready for my skeet.",0,en
What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.,1,en
what is the best way for a pet shop to get business? word of mouse .,0,en
"there are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand roman numerals , and those that don't",1,en
"Joey the marsupial applied for a job to eat eucalyptus leaves all day. However, he was declined due to his lack of koalafications",1,en
Why do managers like pizza? It comes out of the box,1,en
"I went to buy a ticket to the United Arab Emirates...  and when the clerk offered me a great deal, I said to him ""Do buy!""",1,en
"Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair. Me: Yes, baby Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare",0,en
What's the acceleration of gravity I don't know but the twin towers was a great example,1,en
What do you call an old ant? Antique,1,en
What's a golfer's favourite games console? A PS FOUR!,0,en
Help I bought a Chris Brown's greatest hits CD But it only has Rihanna songs,1,en
Life is like a game Most people lose it,1,en
what do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? a cross .,1,en
There's a couple flies in my room. I'm trying to sleep and they're bugging me,0,en
q : how do you make a violin sound like a viola? a : play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes .,0,en
"AC changed bail to basil, and now I'm sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.",0,en
My friend is majoring in Gender Studies. He's been a broad for the past semester,1,en
Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars. or wheels,1,en
"waiter asked if i wanted the soup or salad me: yes , i'll take the super salad",1,en
Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber. It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization,1,en
what kind of dog chases anything red? a bull dog !,0,en
What is Polands national sport? Paintball,1,en
"Everyone prepare yourself for National ""How is it May already? "" Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.",0,en
did you hear about the fire man who lost his job? he was laid off .,1,en
What did one German baker say to the other? Glutentag!,1,en
"wanna hear a really funny joke? whoops , wrong sub .",0,en
"i'm not staying up all night to get lucky. if it doesn't happen by midnight , i'm going to bed",0,en
Greg was so hungry he ate a frozen steak. He hadn't really thawed it out,1,en
"I have very bad addiction to wrapping gifts. Every time I open a present, I end up rewrapsing",1,en
A bird flew in my bathroom window when I was peeing. We stared at each other's peckers,1,en
"Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like ""You Can Do it"" or ""Ramen Noodles Aren't So Bad"" when you check your sad Account Balance",1,en
Why did Hugh Glass go to the doctor? Because he felt grizzly after months of unbearable pain.,1,en
Medusa is the sexiest woman to ever live. everyone who saw her got hard,1,en
Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood.,0,en
why do ants not go to church? because they are in sects !,1,en
"as an alzheimer's patient, this is my favorite joke on reddit",0,en
Where did the English teacher and the student fight? in the MLA boxing ring,1,en
What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows!,0,en
"My daughter is old enough to wear a bra now. Which is annoying, I don't need another potential obstacle.",1,en
Where do you go to see monkeys in their native habitat? A KFC.,1,en
q : why did the engineer drive the backwards? a : he had a loco motive .,0,en
My fruit business went into liquidation. I now sell smoothies,1,en
"did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat , if you flip it over? that makes it cap sized",1,en
what's the difference between the holocaust and this joke? the holocaust was funny .,1,en
How does a dog catcher gets paid? by the pound.,1,en
"back in the day, pens could only be used once before you threw them away the invention of the modern pen is truly remarkable",1,en
"what is robin williams doing in heaven? not sure , probably just hanging out .",0,en
What did the collections person say to the board. You've been surfed,1,en
I would tell a broken pencil joke. But there's no point,0,en
What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas? ...Baaaaaahumbug,0,en
Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue? The robbery was a bust.,1,en
I called the suffocation hotline yesterday. I was instructed to hold,1,en
The McRib is back. Because you're getting new underwear for Christmas anyway,0,en
What do you call a crossdressing nanny in Martha's Vineyard? A Nantucket.,1,en
I'm a shy little Pebble. I wish to be a little Bolder,0,en
What do you call it when you no longer respect someone? Retrospect,1,en
"My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change",0,en
Haiku: A prince was grumpy Grumpy was feeling Happy The prince was happy,0,en
"Acquaintances: ""So what have you been up to? "" What I hear: ""Please explain yourself, we're trying to figure you out.""",1,en
Why was the little bear so spoiled? Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !,0,en
"i'm going on a seafood diet for the holidays threedots that is, i see food and i eat it .",1,en
"My GF bragged about the cat sleeping next to her I told her ""Yes, he seems to be attracted to the overwhelming aroma of fish""",1,en
"As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don't like people.",1,en
What is the number one cause of pdeophelia? Sexy kids.,0,en
"before we talk about this very complicated topic, you should know that i read several sentences about it in an article once .",0,en
"What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..",0,en
Your bicep grows on the back of your arm? Weird flex but ok.,0,en
woman to friend at store : we can get shrimp for people who don't eat meat! me : don't forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people,1,en
When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty,0,en
when does one play a corny game? you play it by ear .,1,en
What is David Bowie's favourite energy drink? Redbull Redbull,0,en
"still waiting for a discovery channel "" how it's made "" episode on babies. otherwise i fear i'll never figure it out",1,en
what do you get when you scare a tree? petrified wood .,0,en
"Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it's getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.",1,en
What do you call Christopher Walken when he is sitting? Christopher Sitten,0,en
Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers. They never take a stab in the dark,1,en
why the carpenter is always constipated? because his stool so hard !,1,en
My classmate started to sing Gas Gas Gas We were watching a auschwitz Documentary,1,en
We never made a single joke on BTS.. Because we all straight people wouldn't get it..,0,en
"Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, ""Hey man where's that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!""",0,en
Why did Michael Jackson go to Macy's? He heard boys' pants were half off.,1,en
"What is the best music to air drum to while driving? Def Leppard, because you can keep on hand on the wheel.",1,en
What do you call a bunch of tigers on a train? They're frrrrrreight!,0,en
If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you? Independent ,0,en
"if you're having a bad day, just remember that someone has to clean the bathroom at taco bell .",0,en
Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.,1,en
My friend has depression. That is all.,0,en
the pot called the kettle black. the pot is silver threedots we now have a situation in the kitchen,0,en
"What did the physicist say when his wife wanted to go jewelery shopping? ""I don't have the energy for this.""",1,en
Where do angles go for fun on the weekends? To watch movies in the THETA,1,en
q : how many kings of spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? a : juan,0,en
My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. Rather a few layers,1,en
I publicly announced that my sister is pregnant Everyone stopped clapping once I shouted out that I'm gonna be a father.,1,en
Why is Rengar so OP? Because E: Bola Strike.,0,en
"I'm so smart, I've got more brains than. Kurt Cobain's ceiling",0,en
"If this whole twitter thing doesn't work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.",1,en
you have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. i know that now,0,en
"i'd like to be an optimist, but i doubt if it would work out .",1,en
"""Why am I not asleep? "" he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.",1,en
What's it called when a smell dates his sister? Incense!,0,en
I'll never be the girl who walks in the room and commands everyone's attenHEY! Can you at least finish reading this tweet?,0,en
If towels told jokes. They'd probably have a very dry sense of humor,1,en
My dad used to wash my mouth out with soap. But that was just to get rid of the DNA evidence,1,en
"If you tickle a billionaire, will he trickle himself?",0,en
My dad once told me I would make a great mime. I was speechless,0,en
"Can humans justify anything? Obviously not, just look at Adam Sandler's career.",1,en
"Actually, why do posts get locked so fast? Insert edgy joke but pls someone message me.",0,en
What does an iPhone and a homeless man have in common? Shutting down at low temperatures.,1,en
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied her.,1,en
Which is the smartest tall mountain? Mt. Cleverest Hue hue,0,en
"Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close they're connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment",1,en
What do Yoshitada Minami and J. Robert Oppenheimer have in common? They both invented rice cookers. ,1,en
Glassware has emotions. Proof: I sometimes reach to the back of the cabinet because I feel bad for the glasses that I never use,1,en
i have an ear infection. it's called hearing aids,1,en
What did the homeowners of house haunted by windows have? Phantom panes.,1,en
Where did Peter go after he got hit by a bus? Everywhere.,0,en
What's the best part about sight seeing in Germany? Counting all the stars.,1,en
What's the difference between a podiatrist and a drummer? The podiatrist bucks up your feet.,1,en
The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago. It goes without saying..,0,en
It's a real challenge finding the darker sugar varieties in Jamaica. Demerara.,1,en
"What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug? One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.",1,en
Why was the geometry teacher so dizzy? Cause he kept going in circles...,0,en
Our breakfast is GEGS. Scrambled EGGS,1,en
Gary Coleman died of multiple aneurysms. which is kind of like Different Strokes,1,en
what does diana stand for? dead in a nasty accident .,1,en
"Burger King's slogan ""Have It Your Way"" was shortened from ""Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way"".",1,en
What connects the computers in Sauron's office? A Tolkien Ring network.,0,en
What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!,0,en
"two kids talking . one asks ' do you also pray before each meal '? the other responds : no , my mom knows how to cook .",1,en
Are Facebook quizzes still around? Just now starting to wonder which Spice Girl I am.,0,en
The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.,1,en
"after being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date threedots",0,en
what's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? convincing their family to consent to it !,0,en
Q. What does Kodak film and Condoms have in common? A. Both are made to capture special moments.,1,en
Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane? A. osmoses,1,en
When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato? When it's a French Fry!,0,en
what do you call a phd in religious studies? gods doctor .,1,en
"if it's true that spiders are more scared of me than i am of them, why have i never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl ?",1,en
"i used to work in food service, now i work in it the biggest difference is the phrase "" my server went down on me "" is no longer a good thing .",1,en
I have an irrational fear of giants. I have Fee Fi Phobia.,0,en
"So I just saw the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals is weird... ...Imagine Dragons.",0,en
What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician? I can't see you anymore.,0,en
Q: Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank? A: Because she had an interest in the principal.,0,en
What is the difference between a skirt and a high weight object? Everyone would cheer you for lifting a high weight object.,1,en
what do you call a blonde in a closet? last years hide and seek champion,1,en
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.,0,en
I have a photographer's memory Or is it photographic? I always forget.,0,en
Just saw Elle Fanning. I was blown away,0,en
I don't get why people think the homeless are unclean. when they have the mintiest breaths I've ever smelled,1,en
What disease scares the most tourists away from Africa? The locals ,1,en
which reindeer have the shortest legs? the smallest ones .,1,en
"before you ever criticize someone threedots walk a mile in their shoes. that way you're a mile away , and you have their shoes",1,en
"hey baby , did you fall from heaven? because so did satan .",0,en
why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work? ' cause it had a hard drive .,0,en
i had a blind date last night at least i think it was a date. the blindfold and duct tape was a bit different,1,en
What do baby parabola drink? Their Quadratic Formula!,1,en
who is a skeletons favorite music artist? BONE JOVI!!!!!!!,0,en
"says the priest to the altar server: "" there's a good christian in you """,1,en
"When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her Calm down, it's not what you think...",0,en
whats the least paying job? british dentist .,1,en
"Please keep the Christ in Christmas, because HalloChristween would just be weird.",0,en
the vietnamese place on my street has soup so popular they make you stand in a line to get it. it's a big pho queue,1,en
What do you call an uncertain insect today? A May bee.,1,en
"Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to... ...all the hospital staff.",1,en
What's Master P's favorite fruit? Uhh' banananaaaaaa,0,en
why did the boy take a ladder to school? he wanted to go to high school .,1,en
"I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, ""No way! "", to which I replied, ""Yahweh"".",1,en
"when a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day .",1,en
What do you call a Japanese Buddhist Gas station sushi ,1,en
"you don't have to like me but at least base it on your own opinion, not someone else's .",0,en
What do car keys and a carbon monoxide leak have in common? They both make babies stop crying.,1,en
"If my name was Rudolph Spermguzzler I would introduce myself like this: Hi, I'm Rudolph Spermguzzler, sorry if it's a bit of a mouthful.",0,en
"if these walls could talk, i bet it would sound like someone was trapped in the wall and we'd all freak out pretty bad .",1,en
Why do dogs hate outer space? Because they strongly dislike vacuums.,1,en
great weight loss tip: become an astronaut .,1,en
what makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down? a cow .,0,en
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house. I didn't know what to make of it,1,en
i do not care how old i am. i am going in the bouncy castle !,0,en
"The photo of missing people on the milk carton was handy, How else was I going to learn the bags of those in my basement.",1,en
What letter never satisfies it's wife? The quick E,0,en
"Virginity is not dignity, but lack of opportunity.",1,en
q : why did the ghoul eat a light bulb? a : because he was in need of a light snack .,0,en
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. The worst trick he pulled was that 'Got your nose' thing,1,en
Yesterday a guy knocked on my door to ask for a small donation for an aquatic center being built in my town. So I gave him a glass of water,1,en
"What sort of girlfriend a potato wants? A sweet potato Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate. ",0,en
What's the difference between a Minion joke and an unvaccinated child? Unvaccinated children never get old.,0,en
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!,0,en
what do an elephant and a giraffe have in common? they are both gray except for the giraffe .,1,en
The pregnant bird had an unusual craving for soup. She was so hungry she had toucans ROFL,1,en
How do you sort out Ant and Dec? Squash one and deal with the other later.,0,en
"A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. ""Look in the lion's mouth"" the vet told him. ""How do I do that? "" he asked. ""Carefully"" replied the vet.",1,en
What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers? Russell.,1,en
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh? A: A violist playing octaves.,1,en
why did the gamer refuse to join the boy scouts? he hates camping,1,en
What's the difference between a dog toy and a small dog? The small dog squeaks louder when you step on it.,0,en
"what's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard? nothing . when you have to go , you have to go .",0,en
"dear everyone reading this tweet, what's the future like ?",0,en
"a joke my physics teacher told us student : "" did you get a haircut? "" teacher : "" no i got them all cut . """,1,en
"i'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream .",1,en
Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible? The characters in this book are entirely fictional.,1,en
"Whenever I show someone a picture on my phone, I assume ninja stance in case they start scrolling.",1,en
How do you reload a cardboard gun? With paper clips.,1,en
"What did the walking staff say when accused of misleading sheep? ""I am not a crook!""",1,en
coca cola: because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice .,1,en
The kosher section at Vons Even after all these years. They only have a very tight space,1,en
How many people work in the Lada factory? Two. One to cut and one to glue,1,en
"an australian man walked in on his girlfriend getting changed and she said "" have you heard of knocking? "" he said "" it doesn't ring a bell """,1,en
"It's ""hairs"" not the collective ""hair"" now. I have so few I know each individually by name",1,en
Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen. So the answer is no I didn't graduate college,0,en
"in the beginning, god made heaven and earth threedots the rest was made in china .",1,en
"Capital letters... ...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.",1,en
The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword,0,en
I grew up near the man with the record for most concussions. He was just a stone's throw away,1,en
i've decided to take the day off today. i'm just going to call it to,1,en
When do people around you really notice your nervous tic? At your funeral.,1,en
What do you call the act of giving annalingus on the back of a flying dragon? A Skyrimjob,1,en
i got mugged earlier and they took my mood ring. i really don't know how i feel about that,1,en
What did a mans idea to create a retail store and an American kid on his first day of school have in common? They both became a target,1,en
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too,0,en
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it... ...does a hipster buy it's album? Not mine but I love it.,0,en
"The thing about being vague is, lots of stuff.",1,en
half of all bears are smarter than the average bear. it's not that big a deal,1,en
My friend wants to start pesticide plant in Bhopal. He said that idea just blew overnight.,1,en
Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard,1,en
What do you do when you have finished your magazine in the hospital ? Reload,0,en
How will the open casket funeral go? Remains to be seen.,1,en
When a Vietnamese person has the same first and last name. It's a Nguyen Nguyen situation,1,en
"i used to be a tap dancer, but i kept falling in the sink .",1,en
Why is life a game? Because you can end it anytime.,0,en
"Two priests decided to open a Fish and Chip shop... ... One was a Fish Friar, the other was a Chip Monk.",1,en
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly,1,en
finally friday! felt like it took a week to get here,0,en
"rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year .",1,en
"if you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut .",0,en
"some people say i am an evil person . but thats not true . i have the heart of a sweet young girl, in a jar under my bed .",0,en
"I was playing charades with a deaf guy Or as he called it, ""having a chat"".",1,en
My job testing fizzy drinks is really getting to me. It's soda grading,1,en
Who was the best financier in the Bible? Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.,1,en
"If laughter is the best medicine, Jimmy Fallon doesn't need health insurance.",0,en
"what did the chicken say after laying an egg? "" oeuf ! """,1,en
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and my newborn who just passed away Newton died a virgin,0,en
PubG has different First Place text in certain countries In China it's Winner Winner Dog Dinner,1,en
What kind of chemical bond is Hispanic? An Ester Bond,1,en
How does Luke Skywalker get through the forest? Ewoks,0,en
What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons,1,en
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education,0,en
Dad Joke: What did Miley Cyrus' dancing instructor tell her to do? Hometwerk,0,en
What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's himself go? Flabio,1,en
I once asked Siri to tell me a joke It opened the front camera.,0,en
"q : if an elephant and a giraffe had a race , who would win? a : the elephant . the giraffe is in the refrigerator .",0,en
"eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that star wars writing",1,en
They say the average person passes a murderer atleast once in their life I haven't can't say the same for the dead bodies in my basement though,1,en
My mom is the most hip and tech savvy person I know! She needs every possible search toolbar conceivable so the internet can keep up with her,0,en
They say work takes longer when you're on your own But I find it takes longer when you're on someone else.,1,en
What is george floyd's favorite show The fresh prince of no air,0,en
"adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going .",1,en
"I've just bought a book about Feng Shui, but I can't decide where to put it.",1,en
I'm selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years,0,en
"I'm always on my ""Best"" Behavior. It just so happens my Best Behavior isn't very good",1,en
My Dad likes to eat every part of an orange I never found it too apeeling.,1,en
"My local gadget store has a great deal on devices that measure electric charge, but it's too far to walk. It's a coulomb meter",1,en
how did the tiger escape from the zoo without being spotted? tigers have stripes .,1,en
What do you call the security guards outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy,1,en
what is stronger an elephant or a snail? a snail because it carries it's house an elephant just carries its trunk !,0,en
What do you call a skeleton in fancy attire? Fashionably late. I'll be here all week.,1,en
There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing. That's sofa king nice,0,en
"The short Bus Fast on the outside, slow on the inside ",0,en
"what did helen keller say when she fell into the snow? nothing , she was wearing mittens .",1,en
"Mime artist jailed for battering another mime artist in London...  The suspect tried to run away, but got caught in an imaginary oncoming wind.",1,en
"Fight with Alarm Clock Had a fight with my alarm clock, i refused to wake up, things got voilent. Now its broken and i am awake don't know who won",0,en
There's no way Oscar Pistorius can walk away from this. He doesn't have a leg to stand on,0,en
Bums are kind of alike to the iPhone X... Homeless,1,en
what's the definition of a microwave? a flea saying goodbye .,1,en
A haiku about corona virus I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator,0,en
"In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.",1,en
How do you compliment a paralyzed person You're wheelynice,1,en
"What do you call a person who likes white rice, and not brown rice? A ricest.",1,en
What is the plural of manatee? Menatee,1,en
What do pregnant women and autumn leaves have in common? They both look the prettiest when they're about to die.,1,en
"last christmas i gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away! well grandma , that's how organ donation works .",0,en
How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish,1,en
What did the cat ask the tuna? Can I tune you?,1,en
"Having emo hair is the best You dont need a hairdresser, it cuts itself!",0,en
What's the difference between a deaf dog and a one night stand? The one never comes when he's called and the other never calls after he comes.,0,en
So a threesome is with three people... And a foursome is with four people. That's why they call you handsome.,1,en
What street in France do reindeer live on? Rue Dolph,1,en
What do you call two pears? A pair.,1,en
why can't zombies play the blues? just feels like they don't put their soul in to it .,1,en
Why did the chicken cross the road To get away from the bots on this sub. Friendly Reminder: Remember to downvote all automod comments on this sub.,0,en
has anyone heard the joke about the magic tractor? it was driving down the road and it turned into a field .,0,en
I was investing in Monopoly games Until I realized that there is no real money in them ,1,en
you know what's funny? an unexpected shift in context .,1,en
TIFU by accidentally making a private message a public comment revealing my Jalapeno and Cheese Recipe. It was nacho business reddit,0,en
"""Always give your food a rinse before you eat it, "" my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.",1,en
What covers the outside of a dogwood tree? Bark.,1,en
how does a grizzly catch fish? with his bear hands !,0,en
Why was the fish processing factory built beside the computer factory? So that they could make fish and chips.,1,en
Where does the Emperor keep all his past dead Sith's gear for display? The Sithsonian.,1,en
"Why is it easier for women to shave ""downstairs"" than men? They don't have to go through as many obsticles.",1,en
Where did the belly button go to school? The Navel Academy,1,en
What's Ja Rule's favorite type of bread? Challah!,0,en
Wanna see some BBC? look down below,0,en
sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. that's why you have two hands,1,en
how do you make a slow reindeer fast? don't feed it !,0,en
What was the burglar doing at Wayne Manor? Robin.,0,en
"new book out: ""How I Fell Off a Cliff"" by Eileen Dover",0,en
Where do you park Two Ships of Theseus? At a Pair of Docks,1,en
"me : hey mr . dj , do you take requests? dj : yes . m : excellent , can you turn it down a bit .",0,en
"I don't want to brag, but when I take my clothes off. the shower gets turned on",1,en
did you hear about the special offer at the mexican carpet store? underlay underlay underlay !,0,en
Why did the podiatrist want to change careers? Because he always felt defeat.,1,en
did you know you can order a taco at a japanese restaurant? i hope you like octopus .,0,en
"When I use my grandmother's cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she's way, way up there repairing the space station",1,en
I made a bandstand in our local park the other day... I took away all their chairs.,0,en
"interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role? me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group",1,en
"I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning",1,en
Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard? Yep. He's still pushing apples.,1,en
"if your cat is your "" child, "" i bet its "" grandparents "" are "" sad """,1,en
If there's something weird in lands beyond the Wall and it don't look good Who you gonna call? Nine Wun Wun,0,en
Real chemist never dies. just stops reacting,0,en
Who is the richest painter ever? Monet.,0,en
"I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.",1,en
"Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.",1,en
What is a whale's favorite song? Shout.,0,en
your wife and your lawyer are drowning. you have a choice to make : lunch or the movies ?,0,en
"What did the Japanese Journey covers band sing at the funeral? Don't stop, bereaving!",0,en
Why does james charles like uncooked spaghetti? Because it is straight.,1,en
interviewer : what do you see as your biggest weakness? me : interviewer : me : my mother : he's not good at speaking up for himself,1,en
why does a flamingo lift up one leg? because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !,0,en
"I bought a new book today called ""How to end your pet's life with dignity"" Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down.",1,en
Ronda Rouseys next fight has been announced! Ronda Rousey V. Crippling Depression,0,en
a woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife,1,en
"How do you get Amy Schumer, Rosie O'donnell and Lena Dunham to move to Canada? Piece of cake.",0,en
What's a mole's favourite fruit? An Avagadro.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe !,0,en
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?,0,en
I make more money than my wife can ever spend! The advantages of being single... Just need to find a job and life will be good,0,en
"guys, it is true . size does matter . when have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich ?",1,en
So I had this idea to make money by selling bottled bottles. It made no cents,1,en
We attract people who are reflections of ourselves. So beware of anyone who wants to be with you when you're an emotional wreck,1,en
"what happens when a priest asks you for a ride well, the priest rides you either way with ur kids",1,en
why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? because it was stationary .,0,en
why did the frenchman not want two eggs? because one egg is un oeuf .,1,en
what is the national bird of pakistan? drone,0,en
What is Antarctica's version of tinder called? Pick up a penguin,0,en
Quest I went on a vision quest. I still ended up at Walmart,0,en
i got a new computer yesterday all it does is sing. i think it was a dell,0,en
what basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with? thyme management,1,en
what do you call a dog on the beach? sandy claws merry christmas,0,en
what did the cow wear to the football game? a jersey .,1,en
Office assistant is throwing darts at a picture of her boss. Phone rings. It's the boss. Boss: What are you doing right now? Assistant: Missing you.,0,en
What Do You Call Depression Symptoms? Blues Clues,1,en
What happens if you meet Ella Hunt in person? She'll get her belly button pierced a la Nell Tiger Free.,0,en
have you heard of that new film about the tractor? i've just seen the trailer .,0,en
The longer you sleep the more sleep you need. The more you eat the bigger is your appetite,1,en
How do you say goodbye to two people in Spanish? Adidos!,0,en
Einstein finally formulated a theory on space. And it was about time too.,1,en
"My dishwasher finally broke... ...Down. As soon as my wife is out of the institution, I'll have her sent back to the kitchen. ",1,en
Why was The Joker's US Passport application denied? Passports require proof of US citizenship and The Joker is a fictional character.,1,en
'Do what you want! ' she cried lying back on the bed. 'I love a man who takes control.' 'OK' he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.,0,en
What do you call a Christian who visits shrines? A roamin' Catholic.,1,en
why is it hard dating an astronaut? because they have space issues .,1,en
What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common? They're both Naval units.,1,en
"I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here. I still do, but I used to too",0,en
How do New Zealander's find sheep in long grass? Delightful,0,en
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.,1,en
How can you tell how old a phone is? Count the rings.,0,en
"me : but where do you see this relationship in five years? her : sir ! for the last time , do you want extra cheese or not",0,en
"i texted my girlfriend "" goodnight , love you "" but accidentally sent it to my boss. now its awkward , cause he holds my hand during meetings",1,en
what did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel? i'm sorry to leave now that i've almost bought the place .,1,en
"hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "" do it herself. "" three hours later , i'm still waiting for her to get out of the car",0,en
"Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken...",1,en
"Newsflash, New Zealand! You're not that new",0,en
"TIL that skydiving... ...without a parachute, is a once in a lifetime experience.",0,en
i started a cold air balloon business. i'm having trouble getting it off the ground,1,en
The UK won at chess because the queen never dies... The US lost because they lost two towers,1,en
Dogs limit Never can you ever find a dog's eating limit ,0,en
Which pizza shop's business is like it's name? Dominoes. Falling one at a time.,0,en
"if apples grow on an apple tree , where do chickens grow? a poultry",1,en
I obtained this username today. Apparently I'm the only one,0,en
Went to the corner shop. Bought four corners,0,en
"what did the mother tomato tell the baby tomato when the baby tomato was walking too slow? honey , walk faster , ketchup !",0,en
"a server asked rene descartes if he would like another cup of coffee threedots he replied , "" i think not! "" and disappeared .",1,en
"If her age begins with one, then you're gonna have fun",0,en
Did you hear about the guys who stole Ar off the periodic table? They Argon and got away.,0,en
there is no theory of evolution. just a list of animals chuck norris allows to live,0,en
What's the most popular Russian streaming service? Nyetflix,0,en
"My attempt at writing a joke Hey man what can I tell you, I honestly thought I could write one.",0,en
What's the worst period of Caitlyn Jenner's life? There is none.,0,en
Why did the frightened children cross the road? They were trying to get away from the church.,1,en
"thanks to twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list .",0,en
"Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you",0,en
What is Bruce Wayne's favorite religious health food? Christian Kale,0,en
knock knock who's there ? owls. owls who ? threedots exactly !,0,en
How come we only see snowmen in winter? Because building a snow kitchen is far too much work.,1,en
"What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman? I came, I thaw, I conquered .",0,en
What did the LOTR fan say to the LOTR hater? What are you Tolkien about...,1,en
What do you do when you see an amputee hanging from a tree? Start shouting out letters.,0,en
"""Madame, I will have your finest package of gum, and money is no object. "" how I impressed the hot cashier at the gas station just now",1,en
Which vegetable is necessary to explore the universe? Stephen Hawkins,0,en
my psychic friend is really excited about this new year. you could say he's really looking forward to it,0,en
what do ants drink? tea . it's an ant tea joke .,1,en
"I used to think that ""Lacrosse"". Was what the French called that thing that Jesus carried on his back",1,en
why wasn't the joke funny at the dance? there wasn't a punch line .,0,en
What are Salmon's least favorite type of Pastry? Bear Claws!,1,en
"it's confusing for me too, but i don't need your money so you're going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out .",0,en
What did you hear about the tree who was in love? He pined everyday.,1,en
"Why do they say ""character actress""? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture",1,en
what's the difference between a pregnant woman and jeb bush? none . they both should have pull out sooner .,0,en
What time of the year do plantation owners love the most? Winter... then they can actually see them hiding at night...,1,en
Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business? He got too attached to his work.,1,en
We all are thinking about the same thing He technically did his part.,0,en
I used to hate tumors But they've started to really grow on me,1,en
Accents are important. Would you rather be touched by Jesus or Jesus?,1,en
What's an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo!,1,en
What happened to the octopus in the football game? He had tentackles.,1,en
If you open up a camp to help kids with ADHD... ...Is it classed as a concentration camp?,1,en
i have friends. by that i mean i have pictures of me standing next to people on facebook,0,en
what do you do when you see michael j . fox in a bathtub? throw in a load of laundry .,0,en
"Tolkien once wrote a novel set in an office. It's titled, ""And My Fax""",1,en
All this hot weather makes me think I should get my fan from the basement. And if she's still not my fan she's going straight back down there,1,en
I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers. but I Kant,1,en
"There was a woman trapped inside a Safeway, She was found dead of starvation the next morning.",0,en
"I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive.",1,en
"i thought i had swag once, turned out it was just a mosquito bite .",0,en
How does a door chime answer the phone? Bella,0,en
The cemetery looks overcrowded People must be dying to get there.,1,en
We Found Love in a Swollen Face Chris Brown ft. Rihanna,0,en
Why did Frodo set his cell phone to vibrate? He was afraid the ring would give him away.,0,en
Did you hear about the man who put his head through the screen door? The doctor said that he strained his neck.,1,en
"Recently, i decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless i put it back.",1,en
Why are most runners single? At best they're ASICS.,1,en
"I wish I was your derivative, So I can lie tangent to your curves.",0,en
why did the devil buy so many shoes? he wanted their soles .,1,en
"Guy passes a buff guy on the street and asks, ""Are you a pole vaulter?"" He says, ""No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?""",1,en
What is an astronaut's favorite meal? Launch,0,en
q : what did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake? a : it's not my fault .,0,en
did steve jobs ' house have windows? threedots,0,en
What has four legs but no body? The parts bin at the quadraplidic rehab center,1,en
What's similar between me and Madeleine McCann? We both lost our virginities at the same time,1,en
i believe if floyd fought ali threedots i believe it would be a close fight but floyd would win. because ali has parkinson's,0,en
What is difference Between Water and A Jew ? One will Evaporate and one will become Ash when you heat them.,1,en
I made a new joke about coffee. It's Dark,1,en
"judas : still on for friday ? jesus : friday ? judas : yeah , the last supper jesus : the what ? judas : supper. normal supper with the fellas",1,en
what do you call a funny baked good? a pun,1,en
What kind of bathroom does Napoleon use? A Waterloo,1,en
I just gave the deaf kid a blindfold Then told him to cross the road. It was the highway,0,en
"what did the boy buy at the grocery store? too bad , i'm not telling you !",0,en
"How did the nucleus escape from prison? It escaped through a ""cell wall"".",1,en
what was said the boiled waters funeral? you will be mist .,0,en
"doctor : "" good news you passed your hearing test! "" patient : "" huh """,1,en
"you know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? anyway , i lost my job as a gynaecologist today .",1,en
"If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone",1,en
i see you have some graph paper. you must be plotting something,0,en
Why was the invention of the shovel so important? To give the hoes a break,1,en
my wife bought a bunch of cheap camping supplies from a garage sale. this shall be known as the summer of my discount tent,0,en
"I want a ""refrigerataur."" Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.",1,en
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.,1,en
When you know it is too cold in Bay Area? When you see the programmer's hands are in their pockets.,1,en
"I just used Oxi Clean for the first time, and it's amazing. I'm starting to think Michael Jackson put it in his bath water",1,en
"what rhymes with orange? no , it doesnt .",0,en
how do you get last place in the rio jokes olympics. you tell a rio bad joke,1,en
q : what did the irish farmer say to his cow when it climbed onto the roof of his barn? a : get off .,0,en
When I said I wanted an origami book. I didn't mean a regular book in the shape of a butterfly,1,en
Jay Z should give credit to those who came before him. like Sandra Dee and Danny Kaye,1,en
"what do baptists and cats have in common? you know they're doing it , you just can't catch them at it .",1,en
What does Elon say to motivate himself? I Musk do this.,1,en
What do French bakers do when you buy their bread? They baguette for you.,1,en
"What did the cast and crew of the movie ""Schindler's list"" call Steven Spielberg? ""Herr Direktor""",1,en
What do you call a dog with wings? Linda McCartney Today's TIL reminded me.,0,en
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn't realize was there. Now you can say you've seen me dance,0,en
"why doesn't , "" i have a headache! "" work for when i don't want to mow the yard ?",1,en
"A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke. I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat",1,en
"Firestien just came out with a new Jewish tire. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up too",1,en
"Did you park the car in the garage? Wife arrives back home. Husband asks her: ""Did you park the car in the garage?"" She responds: ""Partly""",1,en
How does a squid go into battle?  Well armed.,1,en
q . what's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? a . telling you his real name .,0,en
What is even better than a Finnish sauna? A German sauna!,0,en
"what's green and says "" hey i'm a frog ""? a talking frog ! stolen from "" friends "" still hilarious .",1,en
what is a dogs favourite flower? anything in your garden !,0,en
"What do kids and the edges of concrete steps have in common? Nothing, so that's why I like to introduce them to one another. Repeatedly.",1,en
Fall asleep on a jigsaw. Woke up with a puzzled face,0,en
"I want to buy the most elevated premium male deer, but it doesn't need to have the highest prize stag.",1,en
"If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say? ""Darling could you tell me about your work.""",1,en
Q: How do you make soup gold? A: You put in fourteen carrots.,0,en
"Fun fact! When there's an earthquake, coffins become maracas.",0,en
justin beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in canada. he suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist,1,en
"if prisoners get arrested, where do they go ?",1,en
waiter on ocean liner : would you like the menu sir? monster : no thanks just bring me the passenger list .,0,en
Why can't Nirvana play songs like they used to? Kurt Cobain couldn't get his head in the game,1,en
"q : what did snow white say when she dropped off her film? a : "" some day my prints will come . """,0,en
"In sex education, the teacher said: ""does anyone have any questions about the female human body?"" I said, ""Yes miss. Do you know any good places to hide one?""",1,en
What's big long and hairless? The Conga line in the cancer treatment centre,1,en
just Facebook stalked the sister of the new boyfriend of the last girl who dated my ex. I'm just as confused as you are,0,en
"what happens when batman sees catwoman? "" the dark knight rises """,1,en
"What book do you like the most? Woman: ""My husband's checkbook.""",1,en
is there a hole in your shoe ? no ?! then how'd you get your foot in it ?,0,en
Who's got the tightest bod in the North Pole? Abdominal Snowman,0,en
why was the guy wearing the fedora upset? because you didn't ask him what band he's in .,1,en
What part of the body never wins? Dafeat,0,en
"He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up",0,en
have you heard the rope joke? skip it .,0,en
Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it? Gravy.,1,en
what's the difference between a chicken and a hen? the spelling .,1,en
What did the priest say when bending over someone The power of Christ fills you.,1,en
why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? because the octopus was well armed .,1,en
"if i'm ever on life support , i want to be unplugged. and then plugged back in to see if that helps",0,en
"hey , remember me from last night? you gave me the wrong number but i found you on facebook . i'm on your porch . can i come in",0,en
"I had this great joke about Thor. but thinking about it now, it's actually really low key",0,en
A rubberball company went broke. But they bounced back,1,en
I have been talking to this beautiful woman online for a while. And today I finally got to meet him,0,en
Why'd the star go to the bathroom? Because it had to twinkle.,0,en
"i'm in a band called "" transportation "". we're going places",1,en
"In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.",1,en
What was Jesus favorite games? Hangman and lacrosse,1,en
"A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.",0,en
judge: are you married ? a . no i'm divorced . judge . and what did your husband do before you divorced him ? a . a lot of things i didn't know about .,1,en
"Why did John Lennon get shot? because Mark Chapman was a terrible shot, and kept missing Yoko.",1,en
Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear,1,en
"chuck norris ' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through .",0,en
don't worry about the grass on the other side. it's not your grass,0,en
What's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage? I've never eaten a train carriage.,1,en
"during my prostate exam i asked the doctor , "" where should i put my pants ""? threedots "" over there by mine "" , was not the answer i was expecting .",1,en
What did the wick say to the wax? I candel you.,0,en
What does AutoMod and Justin Bieber have in common? Ask their boyfriends. ,1,en
what has hands but can't clap? stephen hawking,0,en
Did you hear about the marketplace where everything cost twelve and a half cents? It was a bit bazaar.,1,en
"good looks are a bonus, humour is a must .",0,en
What are the best clothes to wear to the dance club? Boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants...,1,en
"I've never really been into French Impressionistic music, but lately... ...it's been grabbing me by Debussy.",1,en
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na nas,0,en
Guys I got the new name for Pokemon Go. We will call it Natural Selection,1,en
What sort of violin does a ghost play? A dreadivarius.,1,en
"what does the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? look grandpa , no hands !",0,en
Why would a Jewish boy follow the direction of the wind? He wanted to find his parents.,1,en
What's a zombie's favorite snack? Fritos,0,en
Don't invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.,1,en
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.,0,en
What's the difference between a horse? The orange has handlebars,1,en
"After years of searching, scientists have finally found the gene for shyness... ...hiding behind two other genes.",1,en
What's a pirate's favorite Antivirus? Avast.,0,en
Why was the apricot late to the party? He got stuck in a jam.,0,en
Why couldn't Mike Tyson go to the laundromat? Because it was clothed.,0,en
"women are like cars. we want the ones that look and work the best , but none of us have the money",1,en
why did the algae end up at school? she wanted to buy an algae bra .,1,en
to those who want to join the conversation. don't,0,en
My favourite girls are like carpenters. They never let wood go to waste,1,en
A group of actors performed an on stage reading of the Oxford dictionary. The audience wasn't too enthralled with a play on words,1,en
wanna read a joke about procrastination? i'll type it later .,0,en
i just got back from the corner shop. bought some corners,0,en
I've always identified with Professor Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron. But I never bothered to figure out why,1,en
"after a dream i had last night , credits rolled. i had no idea so many people worked on those things",0,en
My Girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with pointing out obvious escape routes. So I showed her the door,1,en
"I scream, you scream, we all scream. The ice cream man kidnapped us; please send help",0,en
What do you call it when strippers hold a fundraiser for the tattooing arts? Tits for Tats,1,en
do you know the difference between pink and purple? your grip .,0,en
Why were the homeless people of germany very clean? There were a lot of community showers,1,en
My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF,1,en
Did you hear about the community pool they built in the bronx? There were no survivors.,1,en
"part two of ' dinner for one ' revealed! title is "" dinner for two : revenge of the tiger . """,0,en
"if i had a dollar if i had a dollar for every time a homeless guy asked me for money, i still wouldn't give him any .",1,en
Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides,1,en
have you heard the one about the jump rope? meh threedots just skip it .,0,en
"so scientists have invented a way to turn dolphins nearly invisible it's pretty neat, but i don't really see the porpoise .",1,en
"how far can you run into the woods? halfway , any further and you're running out .",0,en
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.,1,en
"once i thought i was wrong, but i was mistaken .",0,en
"What do you need to make a crystal salad? Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice",1,en
"i want to make a font joke, but i'm just not bold enough .",0,en
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can't attract the desired boy. Then that means the boy has iron deficiency,1,en
"I saw a couple of girls tanning in the sun at the beach the other day. I have to admit, they looked pretty hot in their outfits.",1,en
"They agreed upon 'almond milk' when the original name flavoured nut water was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason...",1,en
I once designed a website for orphans. There was no homepage. ,0,en
how can you know if somebody watches doctor who? they'll make sure you know .,0,en
"batman had the bat signal. if you need to get my attention , hold a roast beef sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment",0,en
Q: What makes a chef sadder the skinnier it gets? A: An onion.,0,en
"A hot girl texted me ""Come over, no one's home"" So i went over. And no one's home",0,en
My Grandma said I have the voice for the radio. And the face for it too,0,en
"What starts with ""A"" and has a higher chance of being inflicted upon you if you get vaccinated? Adulthood. ",1,en
everything must go? you should have had that attitude before going out of business .,0,en
"My Friend told me he knew where Jurrasic park was, We ended up in the special kid section of our school.",1,en
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock,1,en
"Joke from my sociology prof ""I'm sorry"" and ""my bad"" mean the same thing. unless you're at a funeral",1,en
why couldn't batman go fishing? because robin ate the worms .,0,en
floyd mayweather got off again even when there was a video of him beating her. because it was so boring the jury walked out half way through,1,en
"if you had to describe yourself in one word , what would it be? bad at following directions .",1,en
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.,0,en
who was the chicken's favorite composer? bach !,0,en
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an X box? Well nothing;but of them get turned on by kids.,0,en
Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south? It's where they make Arctic Terns.,1,en
I was about make a Sodium Joke. But Na,0,en
"with the terror and all the negative things going on in the world today, it's remarkable that charlie sheen is able to stay positive .",1,en
GRADUATION TIP: Don't graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can't make you leave if they can't find you,0,en
why did the tomato blush? he saw the salad dressing !,1,en
"Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow? When he woke up, his pillow was gone.",0,en
Just had a very embarrassing misunderstanding with my new Irish girlfriend. Turns out she just wanted me to take her in the Yaris,1,en
How does a hacker speak with bread? He uses wheat speak.,1,en
"i broke my finger last week on the other hand, i am okay .",0,en
I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.,0,en
I had to stop breeding rabbits. I found it to be a hare raising experience,1,en
Preventing childhood obesity. It's as easy as taking candy from a baby,1,en
What does Willie Wonka's factory and Africa have in common they both have chocolate rivers,1,en
i like to think of myself as god's gift to women. they certainly wouldn't pay anything to have me,1,en
What is a cation afraid of? A dogion,1,en
why do tigers have stripes? they don't want to be spotted .,1,en
What classic game do Hawaiian kids like the most? The floor is lava.,1,en
What can you say about Ham Burger and Chief Justice Warren Burger? Ham Burger is 'well done' and Chief Justice Warren Burger has 'done well'!,1,en
what do sea monsters eat for lunch? fish and ships .,1,en
"What's your spirit animal? ""An eagle. They're so majestic."" MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave",0,en
Did you hear about the man who got a hatchet stuck in his teeth? It was accidental.,1,en
what's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Jesus? Jesus died a virgin.,0,en
What do you call Triple H practicing for a WWE match? Preparation H,1,en
"why did the grain call his sister "" momma ""? because he was in bread !",1,en
"Don't bore a girl by saying she's beautiful, like every other shallow creep Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation",1,en
How do cows measure time? In mooments,1,en
giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. should i wake her up or just let it be a surprise ?,0,en
I'm so sorry but what is a fedora wearer's favourite part in music? Me'lody,0,en
"Mum, why do people in our family die so suddenly? Mum? Mum??? MUUUUM!!!!!!!!",0,en
I invented the sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop,1,en
"Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water",0,en
Did you see what happened to Luc Bourdon? Neither did the truck driver.,0,en
an American and his Japanese grandson travel to Eygpt to save the American's daughter Ay Dios Mio,1,en
what do apple and the us economy have in common now? no jobs,1,en
Nobody ever sits in the front row of chairs in the theatre. Theatres should just start with the second row instead.,1,en
Billie Jean is not my lover She just a girl who says that i am the one But the kid is not my son. He can stay over for the weekend though ,0,en
"i'm not the jealous type. i wish i was , though",0,en
why is the peanut crying? because he couldn't handle his roast,1,en
What is springy and springy? the Easter Bunny,0,en
I was standing in the elevator at work and I couldn't remember why I was mad. Then it hit me,0,en
i've been struggling with my laziness. i can't decide if i should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing,1,en
i came up with this when i was three years old . what do you call an egg that's scared? a chicken egg .,1,en
Thor has a brother he doesn't want people to know about So he makes sure he's Loki,1,en
why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? because education pays off in the long run !,1,en
what do you get if you cross teeth with candy? dental floss !,0,en
how did the tiny frozen dinner meet the little kid's belly? microwave,0,en
what do michael jackson and mcdonald's have in common? they both put thirty year old meat in five year old buns,1,en
of course size matters. no one likes a small pizza,1,en
What did the floor say to the desk? I can see your drawers!,0,en
"Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.",1,en
What body part do adults have two of and children have four of? Kidneys.,1,en
So I opened an egg today and something came out. That's the yolk,0,en
"I knew someone who died in a skydiving accident. Their funeral wreath was in the shape of a parachute. After all, that's what they would've wanted.",0,en
Calculus jokes should be an integral part of this sub,1,en
"What falls harder, rain or snow? World Trade Center. ",0,en
Did you guys ever get to meet Robin Williams? I heard he's a cool guy... to hang with.,0,en
What's with mod situation. I'm new to this subreddit and I was wondering what the commotion was about. I mean no offense to anyone.,0,en
"If you think George R. R. Martin books are long, you should try reading a text from my mom",0,en
Every time I see my doctor he insists on giving me a prostate exam. Which is a little weird considering he's a therapist.,1,en
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing,0,en
did you see that crazy news story on the internet? of course . you reddit,0,en
If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door. I heard they're good bouncers. ,1,en
"My friend wanted to tell me a story, so I said: As they say in Chernobyl, I'm all ears.",1,en
My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake. He beat me at Mario Kart,0,en
I told the car salesman my phone kept dying. So he gave me a Charger,0,en
what do you call the runs in space? the floats,1,en
"why is it called a "" litter "" of puppies? because they mess up the whole house !",1,en
Where do sasquatches live? Sasquatchewan!,0,en
My veterinarian told me to stop feeding my cows round bales of hay. they don't provide a square meal,1,en
How does a flower get a boat across a lake? It rose!,0,en
The one thing that got ruined by becoming popular... ... ebola.,1,en
What do you put in an oragami gun? Paper clips.,1,en
Like it or not. That's how Facebook works,0,en
If you have something to say right now is the perfect time to keep it to yourself.,0,en
"Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, ""Aw you finally chose me over Facebook! "" I just didn't have the heart to tell her my battery just died.",0,en
Q: What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months? A: An Apple turnover.,0,en
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.,0,en
Wife: I just had a dream that you bought me a diamond necklace. Husband: go back to sleep and wear it.,0,en
What do you call a masterbating cow? Beef stroganoff,1,en
"was on yahoo! answers and saw a question . "" how big is the specific ocean ? "" i replied , "" can you be more pacific ? """,1,en
what's the best city to search the world wide web in? rome .,0,en
Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard,1,en
"My secretary came into my office today and asked if she could use my dictaphone I said no, use your finger like everybody else.",0,en
"Well, I just had this Epiphany, but I'm a little worried. I think she might be underage",1,en
My ex would always skip a letter when reciting the alphabet. She never said y,0,en
Why did the vegan go to the hospital? The vegan wanted fresh vegetables. ,1,en
"""Young man do you think you can handle a variety of work? "" ""I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months.""",1,en
mother : what did you learn in school today son : how to write mother : what did you write? son : i don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet !,1,en
Today my engineering final exam friend please pray for me all is well. hhhhhhhhhh it's joke my wife birth a baby so it's my engineering,0,en
How did the redditor get lots of downvotes? What is a pirate's favourite letter,0,en
"What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike? Look ma, no hands!",0,en
What does a locked car and a pregnant woman have in common? They can both be fixed with a coat hanger.,1,en
Alicia Keys is releasing a song to raise money for the victims in Greece. 'This Greek is on fire' is out tomorrow.,1,en
I had a great conversation with a dolphin last night We just clicked,0,en
"Racecar in backwards is racecar, racecar in sideways is??? How Paul Walker died.",1,en
Is everyone a mod? Am I a mod too if I just subbed? reee,0,en
How can you tell if someone who's just had a perm is on the phone? You get a frizzy signal!,0,en
"Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.",1,en
I swear I stored the body here Well I guess no dinner,0,en
so that's the reason why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? there was no chemistry .,1,en
"student : teacher , can i ask you a question? teacher : you just did .",0,en
What's the difference between a nose and a type of knot? One letter.,0,en
"What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.",1,en
How do fireflies lose weight? They burn calories.,1,en
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? So that he didn't fall in the hot cocoa.,1,en
"Jimmy Savile wasn't all bad; He had a profound and lasting impact on music. Backstage at Top of the Pops, it was him who introduced Cream to Small Faces",1,en
Why can't lions ever conquer the world? Because the pride comes before the fall.,0,en
"what's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal? "" nice watch """,0,en
What do you call the special ed part of a school Down town,1,en
I host weekly OCPD meetings at my home I don't have Obsessive compulsive disorder but they sure do a great job cleaning my home,1,en
Will glass coffins catch on? Remains to be seen.,1,en
pac man is my favourite video game about my life. it keeps getting harder and i can't stop eating everything in sight,1,en
In what circumstance would a fan restrict airflow? When you are hanging from it.,1,en
"a doctor tells his patient he's got only six months to live. but the patient doesn't pay his bill on time , so the doctor gives him another six months",1,en
Have you heard of Eats Unwanted Leftovers Man? He's the hero this city feeds,0,en
"i read a book about stockholm syndrome. at first i hated it , but by the end i loved it",1,en
new password so i tried to make my new password ' beef stew. ' but it wasn't stroganoff,0,en
What do you call a German physician who specializes in the epidermis of the scalp? Herr Doctor.,1,en
i'm in a long distance relationship. my girlfriend is in the future,0,en
The first ten years of a girls life is spent playing with barbies. The next ten years is spent trying to look like one,1,en
"my doctor told me i'm suffering from a superman complex. but i couldn't stay for long , so i had to fly",1,en
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts? Shark absorbers!,1,en
Yo mama. is so old that Steven Spielberg used her as a dinosaur consultant in Jurassic Park,0,en
"Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.",1,en
not all men are annoying. some are dead,0,en
My personality is like a Muslim wife I have many.,1,en
why did the pie go to the dentist? it needed a filling .,1,en
What is the dogs favourite city? New Yorkie !,0,en
What's an Ambulance's favorite game console? Wii u,0,en
"When your kids are little you're a super hero.When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.",1,en
what's the difference between sesame street and leonardo dicaprio? sesame street has an oscar .,0,en
what do you call the fisherman that's always handling the pole while fishing? the master baiter .,1,en
Have you guys seen the movie about Flapjacks? Don't. It was critically panned.,1,en
"string theory? it's more than just a theory , dude . string is real .",1,en
What do you call an actor who converts to Judaism? A Christian bail.,1,en
"Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over",1,en
"James Bond slept through an earthquake He was shaken, not stirred.",0,en
Last night was the third time a girl walked out midway a date. Something's still wrong in my PowerPoint presentation,0,en
What do you call a guy with leprosy in a bathtub? Goulash.,1,en
this year for christmas you are getting jeans with the pockets cut out. so you can have clothes and something to play with,0,en
"I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said ""Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings"" so I got her nothing",1,en
All the kids at Sandyhook wanted books. But all they got was magazines,1,en
Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in thirty seconds? Well... Anyway I lost my job at the aquarium today.,0,en
What did the vegetable say to the mirror? ICU see me.,0,en
"yo girl , are you my email inbox? because there's a lot of stuff you have i'm never going to see",0,en
"Did you hear about the support group for people who talk too much? They're calling it ""On and on Anon"".",1,en
Why do people leave half eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands? To give there families hope,1,en
What do you call a rich maid? Housewive. ,1,en
school life yo mamma so old that when she was in school there was no shooting,0,en
how many tacos does it take to change a lightbulb? why don't we have both,0,en
Me: you married? Him: separated Me: your wife know about that,1,en
why did waldo go to therapy? to find himself .,0,en
What does a Persistent Jedi do when he gets destroyed in a race? An all day run,1,en
"for those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet .",0,en
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.,1,en
i had a friend from ukraine. now he's from russia,0,en
Why are riddles about trees so hard? Because they always leave you stumped!,0,en
What do you call an Arab man who drives a bus? A bus driver.,1,en
what do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? Bass guitarist,1,en
"What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology? ""Cooking: The Books""",1,en
Thanos is a hero For ending childhood hunger.,1,en
How do you like your coffee sir? No comment. ,0,en
what knight of the round table never paid with cash when buying something? sir charge,0,en
Did you hear about the guy that made the highest grades in his graduating class? He was on a roll!,0,en
Society is just like banana. Everyone dislike the brown part,1,en
"My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn't see them...he said when does this happen...I said over the phone",0,en
I've got a quiet buddy who taught his cat to speak. He's a fan of mew words,1,en
"""Jesus loves you!"" Good thing to hear inside a church Bad thing to hear inside a mosque",0,en
Why do flower beds have mulch? So you can't see their underplants.,1,en
How are Peppers and Girls similar? The younger they are the hotter they are.,1,en
Very few people actually have celiacs. They're usually pretty stern,1,en
"I dreamed that I discovered a new color, but it was just a pigment of my imagination. Original joke, yay!",0,en
"How did Maxwell greet Ampere? Good Faraday to you, sir!",0,en
I caught a computer virus once. My thumbnails fell off,1,en
"If life is a music, I am in D minor.",1,en
What did the Texas shooter say as he walked through the church? Pew pew pew!,1,en
Why do women bleed once a month? Sometimes I'm just in a bad mood.,1,en
which way did the programmer go? he went data way .,1,en
People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor. They go to the cinemas,1,en
hi yeah i'm here about the junior executive position . my skills? well i'm super good at playing video games i found too difficult as a child,0,en
"one isn't a real number, real numbers have curves .",1,en
what did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once? i'm on the horns of a dilemma here !,0,en
"we play gta because it let's us do things we wouldn't even think about doing in real life threedots like golf, tennis and yoga .",1,en
What do you call a camel without humps? Humphrey.,1,en
Chris Brown's greatest hits Ft. Rihanna,0,en
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo,1,en
"If this whole sub was to work together, we might be able to get at least a few 'Lockers' into negative total karma Let's just do it",1,en
why was jeffrey dahmer so healthy? because he ate five fruits a day !,0,en
kids are smarter than adults i believe that kids are much smarter than adults . why? because i don't know one kid who has a wife and a family .,1,en
Bread is just like the sun... It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist,1,en
I almost got my fingers stuck in my cheese grater. It's one of my greater fears,1,en
"boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so i guess we had our christmas party today .",0,en
"to discover what's going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors",1,en
life is like a bubble bath. all fun and games till till you get some in your eye,0,en
What's the difference between a cloths hanger and a flight of stairs? The cloths hanger only solves one problem.,1,en
"The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't. They were polar opposites.",1,en
what kind of shoes do frogs wear? open toad,1,en
What do you call a WordPress website that dresses up like another type of website? DruPal,1,en
Teacher : Give me a sentence with the words defence defeat and detail in it. Pupil : When a horse jumps over defence defeat go before detail !,1,en
What do Duracell and I have in common? We both last long once the light goes out.,1,en
no one in the star trek universe knows how to tie a neck tie. they're all use to klingons,1,en
"Scratching my head trying to recall... What was the name of that hair salon next to the graveyard? I've got it! It's called ""Curl Up and Dye.""",1,en
"Google News now awards ""Badges"" for viewing stories. Also, remember: if you manage to finish one novel without pictures,...you get ice cream!",0,en
"So I read this book about a camping trip, It was really intents. I'll see myself out",0,en
"what does marriage have in common with a deck of cards? in the beginning , you only need two hearts and a diamond . later on , a club and a spade .",1,en
How do clams communicate? A shell phone!,1,en
england are to have a new captain next week. his name is roger smith and he's the pilot for the flight home,1,en
The workers at the inn aren't very friendly. they create a hostel environment,1,en
why couldn't the cut down tree answer a riddle? it was stumped .,0,en
i just dropped my iphone in the bath. it's syncing,0,en
Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..? Because he Kant drive Immanuel.,1,en
what does the devil eat in japan? sin pie edit : til there is an actual pie called sin pie in the southern states .,0,en
"""My son walked into a spider's web."" ""I don't believe that,"" said the cop. ""Webs aren't that thick.""",1,en
How many Darkjokes mods does it take to screw in a light bulb No idea as they deleted my comment,0,en
They said we need to flatten the curve My wife is no longer pregnant,0,en
What's it called when the queen farts? Helium Neon Argon Krypton Xenon Radon,0,en
"cashier : do you need bags ? me : do any of us need anything ? cashier : sir, i have a liberal arts degree too me : plastic please",1,en
did you hear about the kidnapping? they woke him up .,1,en
"The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.",0,en
Why is the letter N the most powerful letter? Because it is in the middle of TNT.,1,en
"Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book? It's called ""One More Thyme""",1,en
"that crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high .",0,en
What does a particular murderer and homer have in common One is the og Simpson and the other is oj Simpson ,1,en
why are vegans so salty? to hide the fact that their food has no flavor .,1,en
I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday I guess just i'll dessert it,0,en
What's a catholic's favourite type of car? A convertible.,1,en
speed dating has nothing to do with drugs. i know that now,1,en
what do you get when you cross copper and zinc? brass.,1,en
"I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Our motto is: ""Hang in there, we can beat it.""",1,en
Single moms and homeless men are both in it for the same reason... Free soup,0,en
"hey baby , have you got a time machine? cuz ' i could go back in time to approach you with a better pickup line than this one",0,en
"i never make new year's resolutions. i just carry the ones over from the previous year and add "" this time i'm serious """,1,en
"pro tip : instead of having kids , just adopt a couple raccoons. they'll trash your house too , but at least they can feed themselves",1,en
"i prepared chicken today. i said , "" listen , there's no easy way to say this threedots """,0,en
To what branch of the military to babies belong? The infantry.,1,en
"I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.",1,en
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta,0,en
do you know who cries the most during the end of titanic? metal fans .,1,en
"I was born half female. You see, my mum was one",0,en
What was Philip Seymour Hoffman's favorite album this year? Pure Heroine by Lorde.,0,en
Life hack: Use the waterproof mascara so it doesn't run when you're crying while your is wife yelling at you after catching you putting on her make up.,0,en
What do you call a talking dinosaur Thesaurus ,1,en
"stephen hawking wrote another book, it's about time .",1,en
"if you turn your underwear inside out and put them on, the whole universe is wearing your underwear except for you .",1,en
Being a judge incorporates my two favorite things: wearing a robe and judging people. I missed my calling,1,en
What's snoop dogg's favorite time of day? High Noon.,0,en
Did you hear? LeBron James is starting an underwear line... They're called LeBron Johns.,0,en
What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common? Their days are numbered. ,1,en
When you lick the icing off a spoon. Are you defrosting it,0,en
Why didn't the spaceship take off? Becuase it was astronauty,0,en
I just bought a notebook with perforated pages. It's tearable,0,en
"always helpful threedots before i criticize a man , i walk a mile in his shoes. that way , if he gets angry , he's a mile away and barefoot",1,en
Did you hear about XXXTENTACION? They say he's XXXtinct.,0,en
"What has three heads, eight legs, and seventeen fingers? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.",0,en
What happens if you leave plumbing tools out in the hot sun? They become pruning tools. ,1,en
why did the lettuce blush? because he saw the salad dressing,1,en
People say I'm bad at delivering jokes. Which is why I'm not the delivery boy for Domino's anymore,1,en
"This asparagus is just... a spear, I guess.",0,en
interviewer : why did you apply for this job? me : because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me .,1,en
What does the French chef say to the skeleton? Bony Appetit,1,en
Do you believe in cod? Because I reely trout it exists.,1,en
Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.,0,en
I like my bread the way I like my women. French and covered in butter,1,en
How do you send a sandwich to someone on a computer? in bytes,0,en
i pulled a muscle turning over in bed. cause that's how i roll,0,en
"One time I read a LunarBaboon comic that didn't make me cry. Actually, it did. I lied about the feels.",1,en
how did hipster kid hurt himself? he touched the stove before it was cool threedots,0,en
"Is your fridge running? Nah, it's chillin.",0,en
i asked my mom why i had to go to singing lessons. she told me it was a skill i needed to a choir,1,en
"Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time",1,en
Welcome to AlzheimersAware.co.uk. Forgot your password? Of course you did.,0,en
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject. These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow,1,en
"Who's great at math, but always tells lies? Fibonacci",0,en
Why are art schools so easy to get into? They're not making the same mistake twice.,1,en
What do you call a dog who warns you about danger at the yogurt drink factory? Mango Lassi,1,en
Jennifer Aniston named Sexiest Woman of All Time by Men's Health. Men's Health named Craziest Magazine of All Time by Men's Mental Health,1,en
What does a pool and a guy have in common? They both make you wet.,1,en
The comments are now locked up. Just like the mods should be.,0,en
Why do hipsters love 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'? because it was the first Indie film.,1,en
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best mate. They're both cauldron,0,en
What did the polite bacteria say to the mouth? GingINVITEus in!,1,en
"My favourite adverbs include ""far"", ""almost"", ""never""... And so forth",1,en
What do you call a movie set during a woman's menstral cycle? A period piece,1,en
what do you call a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray? a seasoned veteran .,1,en
"i appreciate it when someone tells me to just "" get over it "" when i'm depressed. it gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills",1,en
"Went to get coffee for a coworker. I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing",1,en
"whenever i want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers .",1,en
"There are three ways to cook a hot dog: Boil, grill, and, I just discovered by accident, dry clean.",1,en
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well,1,en
What's under the Pillsbury Doughboy's apron? Doughnuts,0,en
"has anyone out there tried "" starbucks "" coffee? it's really good . i think that they have a location in la .",1,en
"i don't do botox anymore cause when i can't make my angry face, people just assume it's ok to talk to me .",0,en
"Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... ""Guess I'll have to spread my legs now"", says the wife. ""Why? Don't you have a vase?"" the husband replies.",1,en
Say what you want about deaf people... At least they don't need noise cancelling.,1,en
Why did Steven Hawking die? He was worth less than his wheelchair. ,0,en
Did you know the Oakland bridge is the longest bridge in the world? It goes all the way from Africa to Fairyland,0,en
"why can't a vegetable win an argument? cuz he always uses a straw , man !",0,en
a man with one watch knows what time it is. a man with two watches is never sure,1,en
Why did the integer stop multiplying with other integers of equal value? He was Squared Straight.,1,en
i'm not saying i'm a bad cook. but how long does pasta stay in the toaster ?,1,en
"I'm pretty sure I'm smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test. It unnerves me, because that's totally what a genius would do",1,en
what did the cornflake say to the other cornflake? Hi cornflake. don't blame me... you clicked on it... what did you expect,0,en
just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy,0,en
What do you get if you cross Oddjob with Blofeld? Oddfeld...,0,en
What is O.J. Simpson's internet address? Slash slash backslash slash slash escape,0,en
why are there no cats on mars? curiosity .,0,en
What do you call a girl who hunts owls? A hooters shooter girl,1,en
What did the Irishman say about Batman and Superman's fathers? They were both Martha Fockers,1,en
"I saw a church's sign say ""God is my Facebook. "" Does that mean two men can poke each other on God?",1,en
"an argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a prius. i can put my foot down , but i don't really expect much to happen threedots",0,en
What is the difference between a Jew and a baked potato? The seasoning,1,en
"The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I'd tweet this while I wait for the water to boil...",0,en
What does a monk say when you evict him? Namaste,1,en
My teacher said he doesn't like imaginary numbers because the uses are limited. I asked him whether he was for reals,1,en
"Tbh, new automod is pretty cool Also he always gets downvoted so his posts get hidden and don't annoy anybody.",0,en
You know why the undertaker was fired? He made a grave mistake.,0,en
"Seeing as Rick Parfitt has died, does that mean... ...that the Status Quo has not been maintained?",1,en
Why did the house go to the doctor? He was having window pains I'm sorry,0,en
i heard that bruno mars helped design the apple watch dont believe me? just watch,0,en
which dog is always without a tail? a hot dog .,1,en
Al Qaeda lost . . The worlds largest game of jenga,0,en
"What is OJ Simpson's password on his computer? Slash, slash, backslash, escape.",0,en
how do you make a chicken salad? make a salad and give it to a chicken .,1,en
What is George Floyd's favorite color? Kneeon,0,en
I've found that most girls make a lot of noise in the bedroom. Usually right after they see me at the window,1,en
I couldn't have beard any longer so I shaved myself from a hairy situation. It was just too much stubble. ,1,en
What do you call a jellyfish on a racing boat? A stringy thingy in a dinghy.,1,en
when life gets hard you have to grasp it. when it comes you have to take it on the chin,1,en
why can't stevie wonder see his mates? because he's married .,1,en
THE COMFORT Where does the pilot use the washroom? In the COCKpit,1,en
"As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, ""Push! "" I was convinced it was a Pull door.",1,en
A Funeral Director isn't the best position in this economy. It's a dying trade,1,en
What's black and white and turns cartwheels? A piebald horse pulling a cart!,0,en
"if i see someone trying to seize the day, i'll step in and try to save the day .",0,en
"I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen",0,en
What did the quadriplegic yell as he was robbing a bank? Nobody moves me and nobody gets hurts,1,en
Some men are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Me? I like waffles.,1,en
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves!,0,en
What's the difference between a feminist and Jar Jar Binks Jar Jar Binks isn't annoying,0,en
two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. bud dum tss,0,en
"Kids these days, Evolved from finger guns to hand guns.",1,en
What is something that is easy to get into but hard to get out of? A Thai cave.,0,en
Beware of cheap funeral services. They have skeletons in the closet.,1,en
"Magicians in The Future ""I need a volunteer. Hmm... Yes, you! The attack helicopter in the red shirt!""",1,en
how can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? it's when the blind try to read your face .,1,en
"if you can get a price tag onto a priceless jewel they have to sell it to you for that price, it's a simply trick that saves on heist work",1,en
Some people call school shootings a tragedy... I just like to call it population control.,1,en
Do You know what makes my day? The Sun,0,en
What was John Lennons final hit? The pavement,1,en
"i like it when i open a document and my monitor says word. and i'm like , yo",0,en
What's the funniest thing the rock said to the geologist? Nothing. Because rocks don't talk and geology's not funny.,1,en
Why is similar in a TV remote and a wife? Both start working after a few slaps,1,en
texas. where the vegan menu item is chicken,1,en
God is chill But Allah is a blast,1,en
Kobe Bryant died in the coolest way possible By taking his daughter with him,0,en
Today at a work a few customers told me they were in denial about the approaching snow storm. I told them to watch out for crocodiles,1,en
What's the difference between a caver and a spelunker? A caver rescues a spelunker.,0,en
"me : siri , how do i look? siri : well , at least you tried",0,en
Why can't you ever build a great relationship with an archer? Because at the end of they day they don't want any strings attached!,1,en
"A new study finds that chicken isn't as healthy for you as once thought. ""Just don't ask to see our data"" clucked one feathered researcher",1,en
"susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine .",0,en
What do mathematicians call retirement? Aftermath,1,en
How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.,1,en
"If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.",1,en
q : zombie : where do fleas go in winter? a : werewolf : search me .,0,en
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain. Somebody had ripped the appendix out,1,en
"when you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in oz was the original catfish .",0,en
What did one cupcake say to the other? You ain't seen muffin yet.,0,en
What's Elon Musk's favorite band? The Cult.,0,en
What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time? Quantum Mechanics.,1,en
Mike Tyson wrecked a ship once. who wouldda thunk it,0,en
Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic,1,en
"Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know. A Couples Retweet",0,en
"Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: ""I'm so sorry""",1,en
"Take pride in what you're into, if thats exponents, well. More power to ya",0,en
FUN FACT: Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music...,0,en
I'm funny. But hey looks aren't everthing! Source: roger miller,0,en
I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of random stuff. It was a vague rant,1,en
"the person in front of me paid for my coffee and i had to do the right thing, so i ordered a donut also .",1,en
breaking : a tiny fortune teller has robbed a bank and is now on the loose! the headline reads : small medium at large,1,en
why do hunters make the best lovers? because they go deep in the bush shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot .,1,en
"my wife complained that i never lifted a finger to help around the house . so i lifted a finger . apparently, it was the wrong one .",1,en
Why did Helen Keller masterbate with one hand? So she could moan with the other XD,0,en
Does your mom count? Interviewee: Do you have any experience with heavy machinery? Me: Does your mom count? ,1,en
"I wanted to learn about amputees on Wikipedia But I didn't learn much, because the article was a stub.",1,en
What does a Helicopter say when it gets a Three Pointer? Kobey!,0,en
"not all wood floats natalie wood, for example .",1,en
"the doctor comes to a patient doc : you have cancer and alzheimer. patient : that's fine , atleast i don't have cancer",1,en
Why did the sand dune blush? Because the sea weed,1,en
Alex Trebek died of cancer last month?? I seriously didn't know his life was in jeopardy,0,en
Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.,1,en
"My cat's staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she's mulling over past social situations she wishes she'd handled better",1,en
"'maybe the world wasn't ready for pizza perfume' i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other",0,en
So many good jokes on twitter today. Comparatively few reliable strategies for achieving eternal life,1,en
what kind of tea isn't fake? a property,0,en
A dog that barks Is not cooked well,1,en
There's a new category of art where people paint babies who died in childbirth. Still life. ,0,en
"So I asked a sheep how it is to be a sheep. ""Meh...""",1,en
"The home improvement shows never mention how when you start a renovation project, you'll not only have to rebuild your house but also your marriage.",1,en
Whats the difference between a good meal and a good time? Where you put the cucumber.,0,en
What's the difference between a headmaster and a poisonous snake? You can make a pet out of a snake !,0,en
Smile Woman! It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.,0,en
My sister said that I'm doing it to slow So I watched a tutorial and now I'm making cakes a lot faster,1,en
what do you call someone who barely graduated from med school? doctor .,1,en
"You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It's not the best... But it's up there.",0,en
twitter account is my serious account. the funny one is my bank account,0,en
Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with the three guys? She came back with a red snapper.,0,en
"I promised my wife I would not joke with her when she was PMSing. She has my word, period",0,en
what sort of jam can't you eat? traffic jam .,1,en
"Whenever I'm feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits. Today I'm writing my bosses obituary.",1,en
"everyone says they are sick of my linkin park references threedots but in the end, it doesn't even matter .",0,en
"Sorry, I'm in a hurry, lets talk while we walk. You go that way",0,en
Anne frank didn't finish her book She wasnt concentrated enough,0,en
"some apples don't fall far from the tree, but other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling threedots and rolling threedots and rolling threedots",1,en
Today I Learned. Jumble Boogie browrearrr browrearrr,0,en
My wife's been nagging me to see the dentist about a tooth extraction. She says getting me to go is like pulling teeth,1,en
"One of my favorite jokes that nobody ever appreciates Have you heard the joke about the unicorn and the gargoyle? No? . . . . . . To be frank, neither have I.",1,en
"What's the most important part of a joke, the setup or the punchline? To get to the other side.",1,en
"""I don't have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you, "" I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves",1,en
Why didn't the monk's clothes fit properly? Because he was cohabiting.,1,en
i liked that new movie about the masseuse. it had a happy ending,0,en
have you heard the joke about baltimore? it's a riot !,0,en
"i was going to tell a joke about amnesia but for the life of me, i can't seem to remember it !",0,en
Do you know what you call a nickle and a penny? The Sixth Cents,1,en
"Was Johann Sebastian Bach wealthy? No, he was baroque.",1,en
"Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses. Fortunately, my wife had the solution",1,en
"Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.",1,en
"What rhymes with ""hug me""? Chutney.",1,en
Why did Saint Francis cry? Someone called him Assisi.,1,en
"What's the most perfect thing in the world? A Rainbow, because it has no black on it",0,en
"in successful relationships, no one wears the pants .",1,en
My gf told me she was conscious about her flat chest I told her to relax and let puberty do its work in a year or two. ,1,en
Before I met my wife I was incomplete. Now I'm finished,0,en
i had something to post about female circumcision but i can't find it now. i'll have to look deeper,1,en
why do women live on average two years longer? because the time they spend parking doesn't count,1,en
I heard that the cemetery is pretty popular. Everyone's dying to get in,1,en
What's a commercial fisherman's favorite instrument? Castanets!,1,en
girl vs boy conversation girl : you would be a good dancer except for two things . boy : what are the two things? girl : your feet .,1,en
Do you believe in life after love? Ted Bundy apparently didn't.,0,en
why didn't helen keller scream when she fell off the cliff? because she was wearing mittens .,0,en
"A guy really wants to make it in Hollywood.. So he starts cleaning his room desperately. His mate: ""What are you doing man? "" Him: "" I am dusting off man..""",1,en
Small town gynecologists. I bet they spend a lot of time looking up old friends,1,en
What does barbie do on Halloween PumpKen,0,en
deja moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before .,0,en
why are you not able to boil water in a tauntaun? because they're not real .,0,en
Did you hear the one about Derrida? I'll tell you later.,0,en
What happens when a morgue worker dies? They sill go to work the next day.,0,en
just bought some emo grass seed for the lawn. it cuts itself !,0,en
"saw two construction workers laughing today threedots i know what they were really building, friendship",0,en
"i never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed .",0,en
How is a brunette chick similar to a slinky? Neither are useful for anything....but both are fun the push down the stairs....,1,en
"i'd like to see batman and robin fight crime in places that need it the most . "" hey batman! "" "" yeah , robin ? "" "" didn't we park the batmobile here ? """,1,en
"Cannibalism isn't funny Although, it depends on a person's taste...",1,en
my neighbour said i'm not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. i wonder if they'd prefer left over chicken to sandwiches,1,en
my toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else. one arm at a time,1,en
Why did Michael Jackson go to Target? because he heard the little boys pants were half off,1,en
why does dr dre make headphones? beats me .,1,en
"All my life, I thought air was free... ... until I bought a bag of crisps!",0,en
What do you call a horse that plays the violin? Fiddler on the hoof!,1,en
Why did the excluded tree grow? To be long.,1,en
"jared from subway really took the company motto seriously. you could say he liked to "" eat fresh """,1,en
"You see that girl over there?She's called the boomerang.Why? Because...  no matter how hard you throw her away , she always comes back .",0,en
"how does bono spell "" color ""? with or without "" u """,1,en
I would say I'm pretty Indecisive. Well actually maybe not,0,en
"Helmholtz Resonators made out of Lampshades, Company name is Silence of the Lamps",1,en
Why did the crippled want to get into auto repair To learn basic motor skills,1,en
Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.,0,en
I have designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page,0,en
why couldn't the germans make a good vacuum chamber? there was too much gas in them .,1,en
"why is bruce lee so good at telling jokes? because if his punch line doesn't work , you still get a kick out of it .",1,en
How come sheeps don't fly. Because they are scared of the Airwolf,0,en
why can't astronauts listen to music? the beat can't drop in outer space .,1,en
"What did Saturn tell it's moons when they started getting too far away? ""Titan up!""",1,en
"What goes cluck, cluck, cluck, boom? A chicken stepping on a landmine.",0,en
How did... How did Webster invent the dictionary? He got into a fight with Mrs. Webster and one word led to another...,1,en
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what's around you. And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool,1,en
What's the difference between Jewish people and boy scouts? Boy scouts come back from camp,1,en
how do you eat soup with chop sticks? slowly .,1,en
"a bird in hand may be worth two in a bush, but a nut in a bush is worth two in a hand .",1,en
The other day I went to a store to buy soap It was nein bucks.,0,en
What is Cthulhu's favorite cookbook? The NecroNomNomNom!,0,en
"There's no easy way to say this. She sells sea shells on the sea shore, the shells that she sells are sea shells for sure",1,en
what do old people smell like? depends .,1,en
SCIENTIST: The universe is a big mess of molecules bumping into each other. ME: I like when pizza molecules bump into my mouth molecules,1,en
"What did the optimist say to his doctor when he found out he had lung cancer? ""Well, I'll deal with this asbestos I can!""",1,en
What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie Sheets,1,en
What do you say when you're introduced to a vegan? Nice to meat you.,1,en
What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress? By opening the door.,0,en
"if she doesn't scream "" yes! "" in bed threedots i don't know . maybe start asking her different questions ?",0,en
"I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or ""foreplay"" as she likes to call it...",1,en
Did you hear about the guy who tried to mend his belt with watches? It was a waste of time,1,en
Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?,0,en
i read everything in comic sans sans. this way it's funny,1,en
Just imagine Great Britain without tea. Grea Briain,0,en
How did George Floyd really die? Throat cancer.,0,en
why did jesus have to walk everywhere? he drove a ford .,1,en
"dream carefully, because dreams come true .",0,en
The Vatican got a huge internet bill this month. Apparently it's because of all the PDF files,1,en
i can actually decide what is inspirational on my own. but thanks for the warning,0,en
"Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs",1,en
"Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.",1,en
"whenever i think of the happy birthday song i imagine someone softly crying and singing it under their breath, blowing out a candle alone",1,en
how do make a woman blind? stick a car windshield in front of her face .,1,en
"what starts with e , ends with e , and has one letter in it? an envelope .",1,en
Ne and my friend went to a rock concert in Pakistan. We had a blast.,1,en
"I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?",0,en
She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them,0,en
"My friend and I applied for work at the new submarine factory. I don't know if we'll get jobs, but we'll see what surfaces",1,en
I call my friends Dodo birds Because they don't exist. ,1,en
"so what do you do for a living? "" i'm in the secret service "" wow , you didn't keep that secret too well did you",1,en
Heard about the new game of thrones app? It's good but I heard it might CUT OFF your wifi connectivity,0,en
"Where will the boomerang land Oh, wait. It's coming back to me.",0,en
I asked my adopted son the name of the workshop the DCF found him in. Build a bear,0,en
q : how do you catch a squirrel? a : climb in a tree and act like a nut .,0,en
did you hear about the train conductor that went on a killing spree? he had loco motives .,1,en
I have a complete body except the brain It's too risky to eat that.,1,en
A Physics Joke Atoms are very hard to entertain. Only if you approach them with exactly the right energy they get excited,1,en
What was Rudolph's nickname? Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names. Credit to my dad.,1,en
When is the best time to run a marathon? During Lent. That's when you fast.,0,en
to whom do fish go to borrow money? the loan shark !,0,en
what vegetable is a bug most afraid of? stephen hawking,0,en
psychic buys clothing employee : how about this one? psychic : that shirt is too small employee : you didn't even try it on psychic : i'm a medium,1,en
"Riddle, you see a guy You see a guy on the street talking to himself. What's his nationality? He's a Babylonian.",1,en
"Whats similar between my ex wife, and my jeans. I still wear them both, but my jeans only have one fly.",0,en
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi.,1,en
I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts. ,1,en
What's the definition of irony? An incongruity between expectation and result.,1,en
How does Mario talk to the dead? With his Luigi board.,0,en
what did the paper clip say to the magnet? i find you very attractive .,1,en
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!,0,en
"Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it ...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic. ",0,en
You ever hear of Randy the Brown Nosed Reindeer? He was as quick as Rudolph but couldn't stop as fast.,0,en
stop looking at row numbers in first class. that's not where you sit,0,en
I Only Like Two Things Dark Humour And Coffee,0,en
"a blonde and a brunette are in a room threedots the blonde ask : "" what does idk stand for? "" brunette : "" i don't know . "" blonde : "" omg , no one does ! """,1,en
what did dr dre cook for thanksgiving? beats .,0,en
Who makes the music for the Marvel movies? The Avengers Ensemble.,1,en
If you eat the prize from a cereal box.. does that make you a specially marked box? source: soos says some words,0,en
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.,0,en
Two men walked into a bra They get two cups and they don't have to pay. ,0,en
what's wrong with emojis? they didn't put women in the object section,0,en
"Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life",0,en
"what did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "" i'm sweet on you ! """,1,en
What do my gardening tools and my girlfriend have in common? Both hoes get thrown in the garage when I'm done with them,1,en
What's the difference between my wife and my dog? My dog isn't chained up in the basement.,0,en
My friends dishwasher broke recently I'm sure he'll remarry soon though,0,en
New surveys show: Surveys show that Google plus is gaining rapid popularity among today's teens.,1,en
"I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard",0,en
"Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.",0,en
How do you draw an Overwatch character? You Tracer.,1,en
what kind of shrimp does chris brown like? battered shrimp .,1,en
"My dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?",0,en
Marriage Why did the necromancer's wife use magic on him? It's the only bone she couldn't make rise up for her,1,en
What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC? One has a job.,1,en
Dating was easier back in the day. Back before the big bang when we were all compressed into one dot,0,en
"My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring...",0,en
"If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there'd be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.",0,en
"Men are just opposite from guns The smaller the caliber, the bigger the bore",1,en
My grandmother is getting cremated in Kentucky. Not sure if I should pick original or extra crispy.,1,en
What is it called when you break a guitar amp in a car accident? A Fender Bender,1,en
What happened when the cow tried to milk itself? It was an udder catastrophe.,1,en
"A Physics student is standing on the roof of a building preparing to leap to his death.... His professor calls out to him, ""Stop! You have so much potential!""",1,en
I'm going to do my Christmas shopping in Missouri. I hear the deals are so hot the stores are practically on fire!,1,en
Jokes on the iceberg that the Titanic crashed into We're all melting them in this generation anyways,0,en
"if there's one thing my english major girlfriend has taught me, it's what a colon does .",1,en
"It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...",1,en
"Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz",1,en
How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.,0,en
A man dies in the desert next to a rock. How did he die? The rock is kyptonite and the man is superman.,0,en
Why did the fork go to the party? It wanted to have a good tine.,0,en
I told my friend to stop buying Sonic Comics. He said it was one of his many issues,1,en
What is a ginger author doing when they plant a misleading clue in their book? Red hairing.,1,en
why was the little martian sad? curiosity killed his cat .,0,en
"a janitor starts up his car. "" broom broom """,1,en
"so how is your sushi? meh , it's all rice .",0,en
Why do writers always feel cold? Because they are surrounded by drafts!,1,en
How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? None. It fell down the stairs.,1,en
What's the difference between a baby and a bar of soap? Nothing. I drop them both on purpose.,0,en
What do you call a baby with no limbs? Experiment number one.,1,en
The greatest mass emigration in human history? Whenever I empty the ashtray,0,en
A man went onto a train with a banana and a suitcase. He arrived at his destination safely,0,en
Q: How do you make any watch a stopwatch? A: Don't wind it.,0,en
What does a data scientist do after an heavy lunch? A pie shart.,1,en
want to hear a joke told backwards? upvote first .,0,en
"""So Sherlock..."" asked Watson, ""I forget, what was your highest degree of education? "" ""Elementary, my dear Watson.""",1,en
Dont let an extra chromosome get you down Just thought this needed to be here,0,en
"this weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again .",0,en
doctor : well ma'am looks like you're pregnant . woman : i'm pregnant? doctor : no it just looks like you are .,0,en
How do the fish get to school? By octobus !,0,en
"This company is like a ship with a hole in the bottom, leaking water. And my job is to get the ship pointed in the right direction",1,en
What do you call intelligent people in the USA? Tourists,1,en
Been a while since the last Pauly Shore movie. He must be trying to make it perfect,0,en
Why can you trust chocolate but not marshmallow? Because chocolate doesn't make a peep.,0,en
What were Charles Darwin's favorite fruits? Oranges and peaches.,1,en
Why did the comedian have a stiff neck? Because he slept funny.,1,en
"i don't know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag",0,en
I find my own face to be scary. But I guess that's just me,1,en
math why did i divide sin by tan? just cos .,0,en
"When whales get insomnia, I wonder if they listen to a relaxing sounds of people CD.",1,en
Why do cats chase birds? For a lark !,1,en
"why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer , instead of the bank? so you always have access to cold hard cash threedots",0,en
"Grocery store items really changed my life... When my mom got my dads milk, my dad left to get milk",1,en
"Wild horses could easily drag me away. Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick. A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.",1,en
What should we call this giant advertising board? Phil: We should call it a Philboard. Bill: I have a better idea...,1,en
"I'm straight, but I'm not ""wouldn't spoon with George Clooney"" straight.",0,en
"I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed. It was a fruitless endeavour. ",1,en
"For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes",1,en
"How do you put a toddler into the blender? Feet first, so the eyes can turn you on. ",1,en
What do whales eat for their tea?  Fish and ships.,1,en
"so john cena wakes up from a coma threedots he asks the doctor "" where am i? "" the doctor says "" icu "" and john cena says "" no you don't """,1,en
First experience at a vegetables market... Droped grandmother at an old age home..,1,en
What's the worst part about having Comcast internet? Loading...,0,en
"Me: I wish for a lightsaber. Genie: Be realistic. Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend. Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?",0,en
How do you say shook in Spanish? I don't know but ask anyone in Mexico City ,1,en
why did the hipster only listen to dead musicians? so he could say he listened to them when they were underground .,1,en
What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common? They're both snowed in.,1,en
Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they're going to say no,1,en
How do Australian bees please the queen bee? They bee hive,1,en
i created the friend zone defense in basketball. you basically just compliment the other guys but never make a move,1,en
I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.,1,en
I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn't put it down,1,en
"A joke I saw today I found my pet mouse Elvis dead today, he was caught in a trap...",0,en
what's long and white? the line to starbucks .,0,en
Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you'll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!,0,en
"the whole foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money .",0,en
you know what's funny? redditors read these jokes no matter what the title,1,en
"growing up my sister was a cutter. thankfully, she got help and no longer cut herself; she would just ask me to do it",1,en
learn from your parents ' mistakes: use birth control .,0,en
I told my dad that I was taking a C programming course. He offered to give me some pointers,1,en
interviewer : why did you leave your previous job? me : because once they fire you they won't let you stay .,1,en
"canadian summer i asked my canadian buddy "" did you have a good summer? "" he said "" no ! i was working that day . """,1,en
I think my iPhone is broken. I clicked the home button but I'm still at work,0,en
It's the same old story; boy meets girl in park... ... boy parks meat in girl,0,en
What is the only bear that can dissolve in water? The polar bear.,1,en
is your refrigerator running? better go catch it !,0,en
i think my bank is trying to get me to become a gymnast. they keep sending me letters about my outstanding balance,1,en
How many ears does Captain Picard have? A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.,1,en
I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay...  Swede car online...,0,en
roman numerals. what are they good iv ?,1,en
"there was a really horrible sound coming from my car , so i asked siri to identify it. skrillex",0,en
AIDS and stem cells Scientist recently used stem cells to cure AIDS If they used my stem cells they would have just induced diarrhea,1,en
"I'm no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.",1,en
"Three words What are three words that kills a guy's confidence... ""Is it in? "" Three words to kill a girl's confidence... ""I don't know""",1,en
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.,1,en
What do you call an economics lecturer? Prof. it,1,en
"What did the cyclops say to the sheep? ""Ewe and eye make a great team.""",1,en
"the last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg .",0,en
who's the world's greatest underwater spy? pond . james pond .,0,en
"in the beginning , god created heaven and earth. everything else was made in china",1,en
""" ok j lo , we have a movie for you . "" "" is the male lead obsessed with me? "" "" yes . "" "" i'll do it . """,0,en
What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common? Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...,1,en
"i joined a nudist colony in canada. to be honest , i'm starting to get cold feet",1,en
I wanted to rope down this mountain. but I found it quite rappelent,0,en
"I love this new book I just bought It's called ""Diary of a White Kid: The Last Straw""",0,en
When the pope dines with homeless people hes an amazing person. When I do it I'm just another homeless person,1,en
q : why was jon walking backwards on the first day of school? a : everyone kept saying it was back to school time .,0,en
what do a mole and an eagle have in common? they both live underground . except for the eagle .,1,en
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.,0,en
Why was Stephen Hawking bad at making people laugh? Because he couldn't do standup.,1,en
How do you know if a chick used a vibrator while she was pregnant? The kid stutters,0,en
"I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.",1,en
an often unfunny joke where the punchline comes first. what is a jeopardy joke ?,1,en
What are an Italian bench warmer's favorite vegetables? Asparagi!,0,en
You know what they say about the necronomicon? It's a real cult classic!,0,en
Pa's being chased by a bull! Well what in tarnation do you want me to do about it? Get me some film for my camera!,0,en
what do you call a woman rolling around on a beach? sandy,1,en
A Variation on an Old Pun Why did the kids with the fancy bus try so hard? Fo' Frizzle,0,en
"men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat .",1,en
My vet asked if my dog likes to eat herself out I said I do that for her,1,en
who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore? this guy .,0,en
"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff. bahhh dum hisss",0,en
You are not a Cheeta if you do it in the Hyena. You are not a Cheeta if you do it in the Hyena,1,en
"If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?",0,en
How was the hurricane that struck Africa good for them? At least they have water now,1,en
"So I called my urologist... Receptionist: ""Can you hold? "" Me: ""No...that's why I'm calling""",1,en
Guys i just realised Osama never won a game of jenga,0,en
Did you know that Harry Houdini struggled mightily with acne growing up? His skin was always breaking out.,0,en
just saw gravity. excuse me while i go hug the earth,0,en
"my nose won't stop running. but , to be fair , it's the only part of my body that's still in shape",1,en
Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?,1,en
adam and eve: the first people to not read the apple terms and conditions .,1,en
Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog? He was dense and wet !,0,en
"what did the number zero say to the number eight? "" nice belt . """,1,en
"""Ohana"" means family, and family means that no Monopoly game can ever finish well.",1,en
What is a tuna's favorite city? Albacoreque.,1,en
If the rumors about Apple manufacturing a driverless car. Then I can't wait to drive into the middle of the Atlantic ocean,1,en
I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not,1,en
"Everybody thinks ""The Social Network"" is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is ""Ghostbusters""",1,en
"want to have a haircut like jesus? just ask for the "" what would jesus ' do ! """,1,en
"Don't be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.",0,en
"Paul says to Jesus ""Hey man whatcha doing for Passover? "" Jesus says ""Just hanging around.""",1,en
My friend asked my why I got to an autistic school Cause I can't keep a straight face,1,en
What's the difference between a baby and jam? The taste.,0,en
My fisherman friend got his Master's degree. Now he's a Master Baiter,1,en
"five years ago i asked the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date , today i asked her to marry me. she said no both times",0,en
What did the caterpillar say to the cocoon after he broke out? Moth.,1,en
"You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you. But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn't. Twitter's hard. Get a helmet.",0,en
Dolphins don't do anything by accident. Always on porpoise,1,en
A riddle: it's yellow and if you push the button it turns red. A chick in a blender,0,en
"What subject did Christa McAuliffe teach in school? Science in the morning, History in the afternoon. ",1,en
what did you learn in school today? not enough i have to go back tomorrow !,0,en
I'd tell you a joke about granary bread... ...but I fear it's a tad seedy,1,en
Where was the first chicken fried? In Greece.,1,en
Remember how in Lord of the Rings they slept out under the stars? It was pretense.,1,en
what was the first mention of soccer in the bible? when jesus went up for the cross .,1,en
Have to take my son to speech therapy. Easier done than said,0,en
"Doctor, Doctor, I'm addicted to twitter. Sorry, I don't follow you",0,en
"One day Facebook, YouTube and Twitter will merge. It will be called YouTwitFace",0,en
Pop smoke Pop smoke? More like POP SMOKED,1,en
"Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren't meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle....",0,en
Why can't penguins fly? They're too short to reach the controls of the plane.,1,en
All food is family sized.. When you are a orphan,0,en
What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day.,0,en
why did the nun take off her clothes? she had a bad habit,1,en
Why was the killer's watch arrested? Because it was proven to be accessory to murder.,1,en
Me : I wanna go home Boss: where's your dedication? Me : I left it at home can I go get it,0,en
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference For example: Johnny ate his own lunch after school. Johnny ate his own colon after school,1,en
"you can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. if they are on your shoulders , she probably likes you",1,en
"how am i supposed to show a girl i like her, if i can't even make her a mix tape anymore ?",1,en
What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans? Speaking Latin !,1,en
what kind of rice puts you to sleep? ray rice,0,en
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke joke jooooke!,0,en
My family doesn't get together a lot during the holidays. We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions,1,en
"I go to see my grandpa in the hospital daily Mom always used to say ""Vegetables are a good source of nutrients""",1,en
"Everyone in this town is a bit tad strange. Except, ironically, for Tad Strange. He likes bread.",0,en
A month before my grandfather died we decided to cover his back in lard. After that he went downhill very quickly,1,en
Heard Demi was in a vegetative state Get better Demi tomato ,0,en
So uh... Is anyone going to wake up Avicii?,0,en
"I think that an XBox is the closest thing to a ""box"" that most gamers have ever seen. Clever branding Microsoft",0,en
Did you hear how they caught the guy who burgled Will Smith's house? Fresh prints,0,en
"What do you call a clever joke that doesn't make it to the front page? A clever joke, but nobody will have Reddit...",1,en
homeless people are so lucky. they don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want,1,en
"a mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else i sleep with !",0,en
What do the Coronavirus and murder hornets have in common Neither of them have killed you yet,0,en
What is the Revenant about? The unbearable lengths one man will go to get his revenge and win an Oscar.,0,en
"your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail .",0,en
"Wind chimes. Something I've never purchased. Can't see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what'd be nice? Noise.",0,en
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? A: Third grade.,0,en
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo... So I had to put my foot down.,0,en
Why do Eyeballs Make Great Comedians? Because they are filled with vitreous humor!,1,en
What's common between a Game Tester and Gynecologist. They both look for problems in places where other men find pleasure,1,en
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it's cause family day never really took off,1,en
What does a duck call a tractor? A Quakter,1,en
"I'm not looking for a TC, I'm looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn't ask questions.",0,en
A woman studying drama Isn't it a little redundant?,1,en
Why was the Cyclops a terrible teacher? He only had one pupil.,1,en
Someone recently discovered the mathematical formula underpinning every Beatles song ever! She got the Strawberry Fields Medal.,0,en
did you hear about the first deaf man to be sent into space? he didn't either,1,en
what is the difference between a baby and a stamp? i don't have a stamp collection .,0,en
q : how many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? a : none . the piano player can do that with his left hand .,0,en
"last day of school for my kids. for the next ten weeks , i can stop pretending math is important",1,en
"Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars? Me: I LOVE STAR WARS BF: which was your fav Me: duh, Sorcerer's Stone",0,en
Weekend's coming up. Time to surf the real world,0,en
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.,1,en
"apparently "" you probably don't hear this a lot, but i think you're quite attractive "" isn't a very good pickup line .",1,en
seal loses electron did you hear about the seal that lost an electron? it's now a seal ion .,1,en
What's the difference... What's the difference between Missionary Baptists and Baptists? Position,1,en
What's the difference between an infinite line and an infinitely large circle? There is no difference. The joke is you just learned math.,0,en
Guys I need help. What are the type of numbers you get when you take an integer and add it to itself? I can't even,1,en
of course i talk to myself. sometimes i need an expert opinion,1,en
why is business good on easter? because prophets rise,0,en
what is a frog's favourite website? reddit,0,en
What happens when a duck lands on the net during a water polo game? They call it a water fowl.,1,en
Did you hear the one about the shrimp throwing a fit? He was just being tempuramental.,1,en
"my ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife. me too , i replied",0,en
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right,1,en
What did maddie mccann and jade goodie have in common? They both died with no pubes,0,en
If you could only eat one thing from the McDonald's menu for the rest of your life. How would you off yourself,1,en
Working title for the new Tyler Perry movie? Alex Crossdresser,0,en
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if... ...the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...,1,en
"I asked Dad why we put cookies on the counter for Santa. Dad replied ""because thats the way the cookie crumbles""",1,en
Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full? He is so misunderstood.,0,en
What do you call an aardvark astronaut? A starredvark!,1,en
"what's a pirate's favorite move in chess? check , matey .",0,en
I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight,0,en
my wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. i wasn't planning to spend that much threedots,0,en
"When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.",1,en
"sometimes , by holding on too tight , you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. soap , for example",1,en
What does Houston and a stillborn have in common right now? Both are buried,1,en
Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman... ... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.,1,en
"You know what I call it when cute girls cut themselves? Damaged goods, damaging the goods.",1,en
What did Jay Z call his girlfriend when they were dating? A Feyonce,0,en
me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel. i won,1,en
I promise to never take you for granted. unless we are shopping for counter tops,0,en
"Kids have crushes, Men have dates and girlfriends... I have a camera in her bedroom.",0,en
Which country has the most fertile fields in the world? Germany because of advanced slash and burn techniques.,1,en
"the titanic was built to last, let that sink in .",0,en
How did Mace Windu from Star Wars die? Through the windu!,0,en
what do we want ? time travel! when do we want it ? irrelevant .,0,en
who delivers easter treats to all the fish in the sea? the oyster bunny !,0,en
why is it a bad idea to run behind a car? you'll get exhausted,0,en
"oh , you lost your phone and it's on silent? that's too bad . if you liked it then you should've put a ring on it .",0,en
My blind girlfriend broke up with me today She just couldn't see a future with me,0,en
"Why do you never get excited at a second shopping center? Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.",1,en
Bungalows Why do old people prefer to live in one story houses? There close to the ground.,1,en
i bought a grandfather clock. it's like a regular clock but it keeps telling you that it's lived through three wars,1,en
"Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed? The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out",1,en
"saw a man at the beach yelling "" help ! shark ! help ! "" i just laughed, i knew that shark wasn't going to help him .",1,en
"always remember you're unique, just like everyone else .",0,en
i recently met someone who told me that he couldn't smell. i don't think he nose what he's missing out on,1,en
did you hear about the middle eastern beauty contest? me neither .,1,en
"old friend: i barely recognize you . "" that's the look i was going for . """,1,en
What does a cow do after a break up? Mooves on.,1,en
Scientists are working on creating a bacteria that eats plastic... But why? We already have turtles for that?,1,en
Heard a DJ died due to corona virus Looks like corona virus dropped a beat.,1,en
choose your facebook profile pic carefully. it'll be the one they use when you go missing,0,en
My friend explained to me how the work of electricity was measured. I just sat there like watt,1,en
"No my carpet doesn't match my drapes cause I don't have carpet, Duh....",0,en
My friends call me Humpty Dumpty.. .. I crack myself up.,1,en
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors.,1,en
What type of car would the Hamburglar drive? A Hamburghini.,1,en
If I had to take just one thing to a remote desert island.. ..I probably wouldn't go.,0,en
"all women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. the only problem is , intelligent men don't get into relationships",1,en
"just watched a woman put on her sunglasses before walking into a restaurant, in case you wondered what living in la is like .",1,en
i don't understand why people get excited about carbon dating. but then perhaps i just haven't met the right pencil,1,en
people that don't tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened threedots was it jail? i bet it was jail .,0,en
who takes the best selfies in la? i need someone good to do mine .,0,en
How do japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konichihuahua,1,en
Why did the mathematician ignore the tan lady on the beach? He was too concerned with the tan gent.,1,en
what got the apple into skydiving? pear pressure .,0,en
"And now, here's a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline. You're welcome",0,en
My girlfriend got mad and told me that I treat her like a child...  So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself...,0,en
Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year. Jaspar: Why was that? Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.,0,en
I should rename myself Summer. All girls want is Summer to come,0,en
What did one pancake say to the others as it was tossed off the griddle into the air? See you on the flip side.,0,en
don't worry about what people think. they don't do it that often,1,en
a customer asked me to check their balance. threedots so i pushed them over and they fell,0,en
why are orphans bad at poker? because they don't know what a full house is,1,en
If Neil Armstrong was Muslim He'd just be strong.,0,en
"Horses are very contrarian... No matter what you ask them, all they say is ""neigh.""",1,en
"contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough chuck norris to go around .",1,en
"To anybody who name their pets cook. Here, we have Melly the Cat, and Cook the Dog!",0,en
"last week , i told my grandpa that amazon is the best place for christmas shopping. he just called me from brazil",1,en
How did the Bohemian pay? Just a Check,1,en
What's a Liberal Arts Major's Favorite Board Game? ...... Trivial Pursuit.,1,en
happy bring your plane to work day everyone! hope you have guys have a blast,0,en
"it's ok if you don't like my personality, i've got others .",0,en
what is e.t . short for? so he can fit into his spaceship .,0,en
How does the Mexican national anthem start? Jose can you see.....,1,en
q : did you hear about the burned down tree? a : it was ash .,0,en
I met a dyslexic Christian who was also a carpenter. Kind of weird meeting someone who believes in guardian angles,0,en
Why did your Computer Mouse die? You fingered it to hard on Stereo Madness...,0,en
why do they call a wolf a wolf? because it goes wolf !,1,en
Do you know what a Timberwolf is? No. Thats a guy that chases a girl up a tree and kisses her inbetween the limbs.,0,en
"Ok so I met this one guy who told me he lived in Paris. To make a long story short, he lived in Paris TX",0,en
my wife was cremated after her death. also during,0,en
So a deaf girl hit on me today. It was a sign,0,en
"What is it? It has wings, but it doesn't fly, it has a beak, but it doesn't peck, it has legs, but it doesn't walk. What is it? A dead crow",1,en
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her weekchair She came crawling back the next day,0,en
why are astronauts successful people? because they always go up in the world !,1,en
My grandpa was so good at the russian roulette That he lost only one time.,0,en
just saw two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard. pillow fight,0,en
i get it grandma. i'm not sure what to do on facebook either,0,en
What did the cow do when the farmer was about to hit him? He mooved,0,en
"Chess Set ""I'd like to buy this chess set please"" ""How will you be paying, sir? "" ""Check mate""..",1,en
I watched a bunch of people build a ship. It was riveting,0,en
I had to tell the luggage no summer trips this year because of Covid Now I have to deal with some emotional baggage.,0,en
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea? Uncertaintea.,1,en
"Trying to remember the name of Ozzy Osborne's most famous band? ""Green Sabbath"" or something?",1,en
what's the best part of having alzheimer's? you get to meet new people everyday !,0,en
why did the alien leave the party? because the atmosphere wasn't right .,1,en
what do you get if you cross king kong with a snowman? frostbite .,0,en
"i used to wave my hands in the air like i just don't care, but now i just wave them because i get more steps on my fitbit",1,en
what do you call a man in a hole? phil .,1,en
"My essay question is: ""The best Track and Field event is the one where they throw the circular object as far as they can."" ""Discus.""",1,en
i'll always remember what my dad said right before he bought the farm. how much does this farm cost ?,0,en
"When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.",1,en
Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The school bus!,0,en
"So when two guys get super friendly it's bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or 'gina buddies or something?",1,en
What do you call a bee that never dies? A zomBEE!,1,en
who called me today? Not avicii,0,en
q : why are people in arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for thanksgiving this year? a : because they can't afford any more pork .,0,en
Dog joke I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.,0,en
"Hey guys, we heard you guys were upset about losing a lot of subscribers on your YouTube channel. Nah, it's fine bros",0,en
Caitlyn Jenner  wants to play a new Marvel villain Tranos,0,en
Where do you find a happy Emo Hanging from a tree,0,en
"When I was involved in a three car pile up recently, I managed to escape with a dead leg. Not sure who's it was, but finders keepers",0,en
green lipstick q : why do blondes wear green lipstick? a : because red means stop .,0,en
did i miss something? kermit has a new gf and miss piggy is seeing david cameron,0,en
"A programmer had a problem... A programmer had a problem. He thought ""I know, I'll solve it with threads! "". has Now problems. two he",1,en
i just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. not dead threedots but pretty fly,0,en
"My friend kees saying ' cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole of water' I know he means well.",1,en
what side of a cake is the right side? the side that gets eaten because the other side is left .,1,en
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? Because he thought it was a delivery service.,1,en
What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat? A harebrush.,1,en
Pro Tip: you can't just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail,0,en
what does an elephant use for a vibrator? an epileptic sheep .,1,en
What did Thor have to wear when he broke his tailbone? An Asgard.,1,en
Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!,0,en
my friend started jogging so he'd live longer. he got hit by a bus and died the next day,0,en
my password is elephant. it may not be the strongest but i never forget,0,en
I tried to teach a class on how hard it is to make a Fibonacci Sequence. But it spiraled WAY out of control!,0,en
"fox canceled cops. so i guess if i want to stay current on what my family is up to now , i'll have to turn to facebook",0,en
What's the difference between a woman and a vacuum cleaner? Vacuum cleaners don't shout at you for not wearing a condom,1,en
"What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common? If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.",1,en
"Woman goes to the vet because her Great Dane keeps jumping on her when she is in the shower... VET: Ok, so want him Neutered? Woman: No, declawed.",0,en
Why this kid without arms could hug his parents Because he hadn't parents,0,en
to my calendar: your days are numbered .,0,en
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle.,1,en
"If you break fast, you can save a cat's life. If you don't, you'll see its breakfast.",0,en
Tax vs. Fine A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.,1,en
how did the terminal cancer patient do in school? he passed .,1,en
How is a Mac like a Queen's guard? They're both run by Unix.,1,en
Why did the man brake into song? He couldn't find the right key.,0,en
"i asked "" where "" i work in a hospital . i once asked a confused patient if she had pain . she said yes . i said "" where? "" she said , "" san diego . """,1,en
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!,0,en
"Yeah, I'm majoring in math. Then when I graduate I'll get a job down at the math factory. Maybe even work my way up to CEO of math one day.",1,en
Kobe At least we can say that Kobe Bryant didn't die as wrecklessly as he lived.,0,en
What do the titanic and Madelaine McCann have in common? They're both at the bottom of the ocean and full of seamen,1,en
"maybe if we all sit extremely still, monday won't be able to see us .",0,en
Ethnic humor . . . Q: What is the national bird of Italy? A: The fly.,1,en
have you ever tried using a broken pencil ? no ? well don't try. it's pointless,0,en
A button on my car broke. Its a pressing matter,0,en
"Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe? More often than not, they were called ""peasants""",1,en
"people who carry their dogs around , you know they can walk , right? theyre real good at it . it's like one of the top known things about dogs",1,en
"She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.",1,en
"don't know if the boss will appreciate my sense of humor in this meeting, but either way the stripper is already paid for .",1,en
"My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week",0,en
Remember not to laugh at your ex wife's choices. You were one of them,0,en
What do you call an insect that gets exposed to radiation but nothing of consequence happens to it? A moot ant,1,en
what should you know before you teach your dog a new trick? you should know more than your dog .,0,en
is it okay for men to sit down to pee? the manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so .,1,en
What's the difference between Greece and a good software application? Greece doesn't have default settings!,0,en
"How does a guy prove he's tough? He jogs home after his vasectomy. . Fairly old, vasectomies may not be so bad any longer.",1,en
"How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent? She starts her sentance with ""A man once told me""",1,en
"So, there was an earthquake in Georgia. Guess your mom had a good Valentine's Day",0,en
I wanted to tell a geography joke... ...but you had to be there to understand. ,0,en
What did the octopus do when he played football as a center back? Ten tackles,1,en
"I ordered the Olive Garden 'Bottomless Salad Bowl, ' and it led me to Narnia.",1,en
do you know why apple steals all their ideas? cause when they make their own i lose my headphones .,0,en
What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium,1,en
What did the gentleman say to the doctor when he went to get his pus drained? Please! I in cyst!,0,en
"Bend over, little fairy... ...a wish is a wish.",0,en
Live today like it's your last day. But pay bills and dress appropriately just in case it isn't,0,en
Why did the dog wear white sneakers? Because his boots were at the menders !,1,en
"Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled",1,en
I call my horse Mayo And sometimes Mayo neighs,1,en
Why did the kid drop the magazine? He needed to reload.,0,en
I'm thinking of organizing a marathon which will go down my sisters street. do you think I should run it past her,0,en
If an atheist vegan does crossfit. Which one do they talk about first,1,en
What did the hummingbird do to his girlfriend? He nectar!,0,en
"My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative' Anybody know what 'ternative' means?",0,en
"what did the banana say to the vibrator? "" i don't know why you're shaking , i'm the one about to be eaten ! """,1,en
What's the difference between an astronaut and a NASA intern? One's constantly preparing for lunch.,1,en
What does Shaggy ask himself when he's in a bind? What would Scooby doo,0,en
A Canadian version of Breaking Bad is in the works It'll be one episode long. Walt is diagnosed with cancer and receives treatment,1,en
i'm trying to give up using innuendo in my jokes. but it's hard threedots really hard,1,en
babe are you a new software update? because not now .,0,en
How do birds kiss? They give a peck to the cheek.,1,en
Kobe Kobe loved fried chicken so much he wanted to taste like it.,0,en
What has four arms and five legs? A doberman in a child's playground,1,en
"I watched all of Game of Thrones back to back with the girlfriend, Fortunately I was the one facing the TV.",1,en
What is the difference between a crocodile and a vegan? The crocodile does not scream when the meat goes in its mouth.,1,en
"My new girlfriend seems to be into roleplay Last night, she couldn't stop shouting ""who are you"" and ""Where's the free candy""",0,en
If wwe is smart they would hire more heels wrestles. They could get Derek Chauvin to play a heel and call him the strangler!,1,en
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.,1,en
selling chewing gum. mint condition,1,en
Did you hear about the crew members of the USS Enterprise that needed help climbing into their bunks? They were hoisted by their own Picard.,1,en
I told my friend to stay positive.... He is suffering from corona virus,0,en
my fortune cookie just says hahahaha. is that good ?,0,en
Jack in the box. is NOT an instruction,0,en
What is my ex girlfriend's favorite hands on day in math class? Manipulatives. god i'm so lonely,0,en
sorry i haven't been tweeting much lately. i've been reading the cheesecake factory menu,0,en
"so these two blind men tried to start a glasses business, but they were always arguing threedots threedots guess they couldn't see each others vision .",0,en
The coolest letter. Why is N the coolest letter? Because it's N.Ice,0,en
What do you need when you're not doing well in your Advanced Placement U.S. History class? A Push,0,en
So I hear they're building a new Cloud City. In orLANDO Florida,0,en
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Because they all have phones!,0,en
What buzzes is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea? A bee in a submarine !,0,en
My wife accused me of having uncontrollable OCD. ' I put her in her place,0,en
"deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio",0,en
"Getting a hot girl doesn't depend on your good looks or personality, it depends how big your knife is and how slow she runs.",1,en
"relationship status: held a door open for a girl , so she used the other one",1,en
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants,0,en
i told my wife that i am helping create jobs in the economy. i left a dish in the sink and told her she now has a job to do,1,en
what's the good word? legs . spread the word .,0,en
What do you call a short cowboy? Subdude,1,en
Which dessert did Darth Vader order in the Mexican restaurant? Helado oscuro!,0,en
What do you tell an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless.,1,en
did you hear about the irish paper boy? he blew away .,1,en
What do you call a broken vibrator? A dildon't,1,en
if rihanna was a bear name one of her songs. bees better have my honey,1,en
"you can give a centaur a fish and lead him to water, which is pretty awesome .",0,en
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot? ... Oh! You meant a question about the job position!,1,en
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find 'em,0,en
What is Cole's law? Thinly sliced cabbage with mayonnaise,1,en
"A woman saw me at a condom machine the other day... She said ""your optimistic"" Then I said ""no, I'm just stronger then you.""",0,en
What is Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number? Nought two sixty.,0,en
What do you call a bunny in a kilt? A hopscotch,1,en
"what's the difference between a wife and a dog? the later you get home , the happier one is to see you",0,en
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.,0,en
""" mommy , what's a butterfly? "" "" when a girl loves many boys in a short time during college , she gets a tattoo reminder for her future husband """,0,en
If makeup didn't exist girls wouldn't be sliding in dms They would be sliding in mud,0,en
Do you need help transporting a lot of animals overseas? Because I Noah guy,0,en
What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common. They both have boys pants half off. ,1,en
"why is the book "" women who love too much "" a disappointment for many men? no phone numbers .",0,en
"her : i have a marathon coming. me : ooh , which show ?",0,en
What does a rich physicist wear? Joulery!,1,en
q : when do the leaves begin to turn? a : the night before a test .,0,en
How do they heat up showers in Germany? With gas,1,en
what does the o in women stands for? objects ,1,en
Wanna go to Copenhagen? Amsterdam sure,0,en
"Sometimes I wake up moody. The other times, i let her sleep",1,en
why do clumsy people get married? they fall in love .,1,en
I was gonna post a joke about you. But I just realized it doesn't mean anything,0,en
"what did the bra say to the hat? "" you go on ahead , i gotta give these two a lift . """,1,en
the best jokes are the ones that cause the audience to groan. so i suppose the best of the best cause constipation,1,en
it's never going to work out between mario and the princess. most of the time she's on a whole other level,0,en
"This yogurt is so cultured, I can only eat it when I'm listening to Beethoven.",1,en
What do you call it when someone commits suicide by jumping? Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout,1,en
i got a walk on part in a silent movie about mimes. i'm absolutely speechless,1,en
What do you call a wireless network that goes down? A wireless notwork,1,en
This year's Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. will probably go to some guy explaining why he had an Ashley Madison account,0,en
Kia or Nokia? There is a company called Kia and a company called no Kia. I'm not sure who to believe...,0,en
what do old people always keep in their back pocket? depends .,1,en
"I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. ""Hello view! "" she said, looking out the window of our rented house. I said, ""I love you too...""",1,en
Why did the pickle stop being a contortionist? It was to cucumbersome.,1,en
your honor it was an accident ! i had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow ! was it a jersey cow? i don't know i didn't see her license plate !,0,en
why is the door to heaven always open? because jesus was born in a barn .,0,en
"i just bought a new computer threedots when i turned it on , instead of saying "" welcome "" , it said "" hello "". it's a dell",0,en
cnn: we're not sure but we'll report it anyway .,0,en
"ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon",0,en
The Duracell Bunny was in deep trouble. He just got charged with battery,0,en
chuck norris doesn't read books. he stares them down until he gets the information he wants,1,en
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day. He discovered he was a tad Polish,1,en
why didn't the mathematician want to go to the beach? he didn't want people to see his tan lines .,1,en
What do you say to a trans colleague asking how to do a task? Let me show you the ropes.,1,en
"Good night everyone. There's a pillow with my name on it. It's a long story. But basically, I had a brief obsession with needlework.",1,en
"the "" slow children playing "" signs always make me sad. would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation ?",1,en
why did the student study in an airplane? he wanted a higher education !,1,en
What's another name for dishwasher repairman? Gynecologist,1,en
QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men? ANSWER: They come in five flavors.,1,en
what did the florida boy have on his feet? crocs,1,en
Why did the droids take so long to complete the Death Star? Because they had bad motivators... Star Wars fans will get this one...,0,en
"When God closes a door, He opens a window. My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.",1,en
What do you feed a disappearing cat? Evaporated milk,1,en
How do pianists remember which groceries to buy? They use a Chopin Liszt!,1,en
why did the dog jump into the sea? he wanted to chase the catfish !,0,en
How did the electron board the train? It lepton,0,en
i just had my iphone stolen . i wish i thought of this before . best way to prevent iphone theft? make it look like a blackberry .,0,en
what's the difference between england and a cup of tea? the teabag stays in the cup longer .,1,en
"Some people are like Slinkys. Not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs",1,en
"buying a new phone is basically being forced into a not so fun game of "" how long can i go without dropping it. "" same thing with babies",1,en
life is like a box of chocolates. i'm allergic to everything in it,1,en
"do you guys know the story about the broken pencil? nevermind , it has no point .",1,en
"it doesn't matter how hard you think you are. when a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone , you'll still answer it",1,en
"whoa . the house telephone thingy just rang . couldn't remember what to do so i stopped, dropped and rolled .",0,en
Why did the pharoah go to the dentist? Because egypt his tooth.,1,en
"watson : do you even have a proper education? sherlock : elementary , my dear watson watson : but , like , beyond that sherlock : nah",1,en
"ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys .",1,en
"if the only way you say "" happy birthday "" to someone is via their facebook wall, they're not your friend .",0,en
A sincere apology is like coffee. Don't talk to me beforehand,0,en
"Question: What is your ""It is so cold outside. "" joke",1,en
What do you call a miscarriage A problem that solves itself,1,en
"i tried calling in sick for work today. apparently being "" sick of work "" isn't an illness",1,en
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart,1,en
i haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks. she told me not to interrupt her,0,en
"Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.",0,en
"my standards are as high as my pull up bar which is on the ground, in my basement .",1,en
what's a woman ideal husband? an archaeologist . the older she gets the more interested he becomes .,1,en
What did the Pope say when he first saw the Shroud of Turin? Holy Sheet!,0,en
How does a pitcher walk a man in Burger Land baseball? He throws four meatballs!,1,en
The early bird gets the worm The second mouse gets the cheese And the first soldier triggers the IED,0,en
Kobe Bryant isn't Dead! We all know he never passed,0,en
What seperates Humans from Animals Gibraltar,1,en
what's better than a paradox? a pair of nurses,1,en
What do you call it when... You put a pillow on a stool? You call it a stool softener cheesiest joke I made up,1,en
"""That's what she said"" jokes will always be funny, but... I've only heard a couple of attempts at ""That's what he said"" jokes. Let's see what you got.",1,en
How does a lawyer sleep? He rests his case...,1,en
"What's Cain's favorite genre of music? Rock, I hear his brother hates it though.",1,en
iron man : i'll hack into their security . hulk : hulk smash door! thor : i'll silence their guards . captain america : what's a microwave ?,1,en
what does a german say at a dude ranch? audi .,1,en
They say you can't get away with murder I know two people that McCann.,0,en
what do you call a lobster dressed up as santa? santa claws,1,en
My friend asked me what kind of restaurant I was opening ... I said African. The food cost would be next to nothing. ,1,en
"my dog i swear my dog thinks the floor in every room is the dinner table, every time i enter or leave a room she has to stand up .",1,en
why did the american spend an entire winter in a russian hotel? they say he was snowed in .,1,en
"Group therapy One psychologist asked another psychologist how his agoraphobia group therapy sessions are going. ""Not so good."" ""Why? "" ""No one ever shows up.""",1,en
Where do you have to donate to help the search for Emiliano Sala? GoFindMe,0,en
"help ! i accidentally swallowed a mint ! never mind, i'm cool now .",0,en
did you hear about the baker that failed at making white bread? it went a rye .,1,en
Plot twist: The Rock isn't Kid Rock's real dad.,0,en
"so i was getting into my car , and this bloke says to me "" can you give me a lift? "" "" sure , you look great , the world's your oyster , go for it """,1,en
Apples are my second favourite fruit. They're sublime!,0,en
What do you call a horse with a guitar? A rocking horse ,1,en
What vegetable is known for it's excessive partying? Turnip,1,en
How did Helen Keller get punished? Her mom rearranged the living room,0,en
"Reddit, I need your darkest Christmas jokes to put in my Christmas cards!",0,en
i saw a craigslist ad the other day. it said looking to trade : banana for scale,0,en
"i'm really glad i'm taking physics threedots threedots because although my grade falling, at least i can calculate it's velocity .",1,en
my girlfriend and i have been arguing a lot recently last night she threw a lettuce at me. that's just the tip of the iceberg,1,en
"I went all around town looking for an optometrist's office when, at long last, I found one. It was a site for sore eyes",1,en
What is a childs's favourite type of Halloween candy? Lots a candy.,0,en
"I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.",0,en
"i'm in southern texas threedots threedots and it's so hot here, the trees are fighting over the dogs .",0,en
My uncle really helped me expand my horizons and my colon.,1,en
How come the T Rex was an excellent stenographer? short hands..,1,en
What's it called when you remember a good meme? A Memento,0,en
fun fact about the saxophone: i'm lonely,1,en
"What did the mouth say to the nose? Nothing; mouths can't ta... oh, wait...",1,en
did you hear the library at the university of alabama burned down this morning? all three books were destroyed . one of them wasn't even colored in yet .,0,en
why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner? he was already stuffed !,0,en
Looking out the hospital window while mom is resting on bed. That was either dad or superman falling of the roof,0,en
"Punchline Challenge: ""And by the way, you've got a lovely home! "" What's the setup ?",1,en
Did you hear about the Arabic man with epilepsy? He's prone to searches and seizures.,1,en
"How is the elevator business? Oh, it has its up and downs...",0,en
"Do not judge a book by its cover, unless there's a Swastika on the cover",0,en
What did the captain of the highschool chess club say to the doctor when he was diagnosed with athletes feet? Are you sure these are my feet?,1,en
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator? Close the door! I'm dressing!,0,en
Comic book plot idea: Catwoman dies after having the uncontrollable urge to chase after Superman's laser vision.,1,en
what do they do in west virginia for halloween? pump kin,0,en
"Why do scientists call Helium , Barium and Curium the medical elements? Because if you can't Helium or Curium , You'd Barium!",1,en
I'm not that great at origami. I cut corners,0,en
My doctor gave me a rectal exam today... It went great! He even put his hands on my shoulders to comfort me.,0,en
"I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn't like it, but I found the plinth charming",1,en
Every marriage counselor should be replaced by robots. because they take arguments and return values,1,en
"nice try halloween, i eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night .",0,en
What does my dad have in common with Fatphobia both of them never existed,1,en
"As hillbillies age, they're called hillwilliams.",1,en
Why couldn't the depressed person get his email? He had a bad Outlook.,1,en
"a dwarf walked into a library and asked for a book on irony. the librarian said "" yes , it's on the top shelf """,1,en
"""Always leave them wanting more"" is great advice for a performer. Restaurant owners, on the other hand",1,en
What did the band consisting only of postmen call itself? Vanmailen.,1,en
What do reddit admins eat? Everything,1,en
A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury It was a flying Chaucer!,0,en
"do the right thing. not right away , but like after you get called out",0,en
"There was a puppy named Joke. He died, and that was the end of the Joke",0,en
"i finally found a diet plan that works. it's called "" the cost of food """,1,en
"dudes , how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? i mean , women can just measure their leg hair threedots",1,en
"Paul Walker was in Eight Below... ...and now, he's six below.",0,en
what do they call a hot looking girl who will love you and stay devoted to you forever? let me know once you find one,0,en
talk is cheap. until you hire a lawyer,0,en
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of. I wake up,0,en
Got to love Black friday All the auction sales are down,0,en
"Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom Wife: Oh, the kids will love that! Realtor: It's not that kind of playroom Husband: Nice",0,en
"Man I tell ya, until I met my wife I always felt incomplete... Now I'm finished...",0,en
What's the name for a person that only gives massages to men? A massagonist.,1,en
"When the news came that Stephen Hawking died, his daughter turned to the doctor and said... Did you try unplugging and plugging him back in again? ",0,en
Do you know why super villains are so good at math? Because of all their practice plotting.,1,en
I am proud to annouce my discovery of Forrest Fenn's Treasure!!! It took SO long. Now I must follow the clues and locate the box,0,en
my friend woke up this morning in fits of laughter. i think he must have slept funny,0,en
"I ordered a new joke in the mail. It's pretty funny, but I haven't quite gotten the delivery yet",1,en
"If John Cena lost in Baltimore at Payback, the city might riot. WWE wouldn't want that. Never give up",1,en
How did the bootician style the ghost's hair? With a scare dryer!,0,en
Hey Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? NOT make our dreams come true. ,0,en
My fevorite part of a math problem Is the final solution.,1,en
sign at restaurant reads: eat here diet home,1,en
I hate when waitresses flirt with me. I can't tell if they just want the tip or if they want just the tip,1,en
"Today I saw a dead baby ghost. Upon reflection, it might have been a handkerchief",1,en
What do old women and cottage cheese have in common? They come in chunks.,1,en
"what do you say when trying to catch the elevator? "" hodor ! hodor ! """,1,en
"How do choo choo train go down many mountain? It go ""TOOT"" then thomas Tank gives tug",0,en
did you hear about the local electrician? his rates are shocking .,1,en
How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver? It's hard to keep track.,1,en
what does a goat have when it gives birth? a kid .,1,en
what did the mexican student write his essay about? life outside of prison .,1,en
"once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done",1,en
what did the chick pea say when it got a stomach ache? i falafel .,0,en
"i think i'm a light eater. as soon as it's light , i start eating",1,en
Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons.,1,en
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length. Me: You could stop cutting,0,en
Who's a celebrity who's never scored a point in Basketball? Helen Keller.,0,en
A tribute to my late wife She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her.,0,en
who would win in a fight between john cena and chuck norris? depends on who wrote the script .,1,en
Why don't spies have any friends? Everyone they meet is just someone they use to know.,0,en
"So crazy how ""Rapper"" and ""Raper"" mean two completely different things. Unless we are talking about Chris Brown.",1,en
"Whenever I'm feeling really tired, I just watch the new Star Wars trailer. Because The Force Awakens me",1,en
"Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed",1,en
"You really shouldn't label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.",0,en
"Someone just asked me if I liked Eminem. I told them that I did, but that I prefer Skittles",1,en
What was the cause for Floyd Mayweather's first loss? He couldn't read his opponent's moves.,1,en
What do you call intelligent in the U. S Tourists,1,en
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird? A feather boa !sna,0,en
what do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? kanye,1,en
"Did you know fish have their own religion? It's called ""ichtheology."" They study it in school",1,en
I believe that every person has a story to tell. which is why I stay at home,1,en
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was an oar deal!,0,en
What did Zach De La Rocha bring home from the beach? A pocket full of shells.,0,en
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car. So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic. ,1,en
"how do you know if someone was in the military? don't worry , they'll let you know .",0,en
why did the kids tell jokes to the mirror? they wanted to see it crack up !,0,en
"A carpenter's workshop's light went out To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.",1,en
Why does Bob Seger always laugh when he plays chess? He thinks it's funny how the Knight moves.,1,en
"I have OCD and ADHD. So everything has to be just right, but only for a little while",0,en
"Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.",1,en
A woman kept going left and right in front of her man while he was watching the TV So he stopped her from swinging.,1,en
"Can someone give me a pun about death of a salesman. preferably about willy, but anything will do",0,en
What happened to Han when Chewie wouldn't do the marathon? He Ran Solo...,0,en
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side? A: So the cops can find the handles.,0,en
nice told me a joke how many bakers does it take to run a bakery? bun edit : title should say niece,0,en
The twist in M. Night Shyamalan's next film is that it turns out to be a good movie,1,en
"I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.",1,en
Why did a physician go to prison? His medical license was doctored.,1,en
"You know the reason there is a C in ""dead people"" ? That C stands for Consent.",0,en
""" dora "" only rhymes with "" explorer "" if you're from long island, new york",1,en
"at every party there are two kinds of people : those who want to go home and those who don't. the trouble is , they are usually married to each other",1,en
There's only one problem where tears are the solution. and that's forgetting to pack your contact lens cleaner,1,en
Where does Ned Flanders pick up women? On OkilyDokilyCupid,0,en
Chuck Norris walked in a chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread. and got it,0,en
What did the tumblr user do when she got arthritis? Massage a knee.,0,en
Did you hear the news? The guy who invented predicted text died. His funerals on funfair,0,en
Nothing is better than having a girl in your room It would be even better if she wanted to be there,0,en
When my Grandma died she converted to the Jewish faith She was cremated,1,en
"there was a cricket on my toilet seat so i just backed out awkwardly. lock the door next time , bro",0,en
MATH JOKE: The ladies call me an integral. because I fill the area under their curves,1,en
"I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks",1,en
what's the difference between england and an egg cup? an egg can stay in the cup longer,1,en
Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable,1,en
why won't the ocean let us drink its water? because it's too salty .,0,en
Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner five in another and two in another how many would you have? Pupil: One big haystack !,0,en
Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms,0,en
My kids are really bright. Must be the light bulbs I put on them.,1,en
what's the difference between an arts student and a table? a table can support itself,1,en
"What did the tuba say to the clarinet? Nothing, instruments don't talk.",1,en
Someone broke a hole in the nudist colony's fence. Police are looking into it,1,en
Did you hear Dora the Explorer is having trouble with her Tinder account? Swiper no swiping,0,en
What's the difference between a redditor who uses !lock and a person with Down Syndrome? None. They're the same person,1,en
how long do you need to know someone before sharing fries? because i'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar .,1,en
"text flirting tip : don't reply immediately. play it cool , wait for a minute , then eventually forget to reply and ruin everything",0,en
"seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and i'm just over here wishing i could eat without getting fat",1,en
"Sci Fi Films I don't understand why in Sci Fi films, whenever there's danger they never send in a Cargo ship. So much for the Element of Supplies",1,en
what's the best give you can give someone? a broken drum because you just can't beat it .,1,en
"If my memory foam mattress really had ""memory, "" it could write for Penthouse.",1,en
Genetic link to male ageing and stress found in the XX sex chromosome. Hopefully it translates well enough into english,1,en
I always thought I looked better without glasses on So I guess I really do need those glasses.,1,en
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grains...,1,en
If the special kid is late... Can the teacher call him tardy,0,en
What is a musicians favourite sandwich? Tuner,0,en
"i've fallen in love with my tailor. what can i say , he suits me",1,en
What's a ghost's favorite type of car? A Booghati,0,en
how often does mary see her special friend? periodically .,1,en
Who is the hardest person to find in hide and seek? Daniel Morcombe,0,en
what's red on the outside and green on the inside? a dinosaur wearing red pajamas .,0,en
"Nice job, whoever chose the word ""monosyllabic"" for that.",1,en
What do you call Jewish bread? Toast,1,en
i just bought a new blindfold. can't see myself wearing it though,0,en
I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line,1,en
"there's two types of people in this world: those who finish their sentences ,",0,en
What language do bees speak? The beesnese,1,en
My handwriting has gotten pretty bad. I am the most illegible bachelor in my hometown,1,en
The doctor told me I had Parkinson's. I decided to just shake it off,1,en
why didn't the dog want to go into outer space? because he was scared of vacuums !,0,en
"If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Ans : No time at all it is already built.",0,en
What do you call a programming language designed for women? An object oriented programming language.,1,en
I was playing guitar and someone asked if I could play Wonderwall. I said maybe,1,en
i love puppies and kittens and little cute hamsters but not all together. i don't like my food touching,1,en
The number Zero started a subreddit. Ya know there won't be any posts since all posts would be freezed by Subzero.,0,en
What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and the lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit. ,1,en
I gave my Japanese friend a Lacoste top as a gift. He smiled and said 'Arigato' I'm fairly certain their logo a crocodile... ,1,en
"tifu by buying a cheap speaker system whoops, wrong sub",1,en
"i don't need webmd to tell me what's wrong with me, i have my mother .",0,en
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.  I love a protagonist with a twisted back story. ,1,en
"what do wheat , gluten , and arkansas have in common? they're all in bread .",1,en
"Duck, Duck, Goose is a common school game. Unless you are from the States, where it's called ""Duck! Quick! Run!""",1,en
What is the issue with Dr. Dre's releases? Chronic delays.,1,en
i love italian jokes. they really help the day go,1,en
"Have you heard the one about a chronic procrastinator? ....never mind, I'll tell you later.",0,en
why didn't the dog want to play football? it was a boxer !,0,en
so you walk into a cave and you cant see because its dark lol,0,en
why do rappers repeat their names in their songs? so they dont forget it .,1,en
"Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.",0,en
What did the Astronauts call Africa when they saw it in space? Cookies n' creme.,1,en
man : i want to share everything with you. woman : let's start from your bank account,0,en
What is it called when a disabled person walks? Crip walk.,1,en
what does the kkk use to bake cookies? white flour !,0,en
What do you do if a child is choking? Go deeper.,0,en
Someone call a knight in shining armor. cuz today's a draggin,0,en
Because of Coronavirus people are buying more. I don't understand why considering they shut down all the school.,1,en
Came in touch with my inner self today. .. I should really buy better toiletpaper,0,en
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!,0,en
How did John Lennon like his Pop Tarts? Strawberry filled forever.,1,en
Do you want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure..,0,en
where do boats go when they are sick? the dock .,1,en
what did the astronaut get on his science project? he received a t minus .,1,en
Anne Frank and Malala Yousafzai What is the difference between Anne Frank and Malala Yousafzai? One of them got royalty for writing a book.,0,en
Where do ants go for their holidays? Frants !,1,en
"a frenchman is buying a bread stick and the cashier asks threedots "" are you okay carrying this loaf? "" to which he replies "" baguette "" .",1,en
"the doctor gave a man six months to live. and when he couldn't pay his bills , he gave him six more",1,en
Why do volcanoes tend to explode whereas mountains do not  Because they are circumsized,1,en
i just put a girl in the hospital. i'm in charge of hiring new nurses,1,en
"can someone help me decide which nirvana album to buy? wait , nevermind",0,en
"SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from? DAD: Well, son...when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.",0,en
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I'm familiar with commitment,1,en
Isn't it fun how many different shapes pasta can be? My wife left me last night.,0,en
Mom filled up the refrigerator. we could say that it had a pretty productive day,1,en
let's hear it for snow! threedots the only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day .,0,en
what is your best lawyer joke? i need some new material for the court house .,0,en
"St. Valentine's day Two blondes chat: ""What you gonna do on St. Valentine's day?"" ""What day is it?"" ""Friday."" ""Shepherd's Pie.""",1,en
"If you think about it, we chop down bird houses... ...to make bird houses. ",1,en
What's the deal with lampshades? If your gonna turn on a light... Why shade it.,0,en
"Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired",1,en
"I'm leaving my job at the ship yard to be a contestant on The Apprentice. I don't know a lot about the world of business, but I'm good at making sails",1,en
Dolphins are the most philosophical of all marine mammals. They send most of their lives searching for a porpoise,1,en
"i'm going to check out the new restaurant called karma. there's no menu , you just get what you deserve",0,en
What does listening to Queen have in common with loss of hearing? Hearing aids.,1,en
"I've always been a dog person, but I have never had a close friend that was a cat person. I just find that cats taste too gamy",1,en
how many dwarves does it take to paint a room red? it depends how hard you throw then against the wall .,1,en
"Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy",1,en
"What did the Calvinist say after he fell down the stairs? ""Well, glad I got that over with.""",1,en
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival",1,en
What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Germany? Schiznitzel.,1,en
"i never ask my kids to call me, i just change the netflix password and then don't respond to their texts .",1,en
"What is the definition of ""derange""? De place where de cowboys ride!",1,en
about a year ago i told my friend there's plenty of fish in the sea. last i heard he is still sitting there holding his rod,0,en
"What do you get when you cross a stock broker, a detective, and an alligator? An investigator.",1,en
what do you call a fake macaroni? an impasta .,1,en
"The cow says ""moo"", the horse says ""neigh""... The dog says ""That person...Edward...""",1,en
Why are housing prices in Toronto falling? Because the market got flooded.,1,en
I don't get why people pay for abortions Doesn't cost anything to fall down the stairs,1,en
I call me remote control wife... 'Cuz I beat it when it won't work.,0,en
i remember my first crush threedots: orange .,0,en
I have been trying to lose weight so I've been keeping my junk food in the basement. This makes it cellary,1,en
why could the french man not count to four? he could not get past the tree !,0,en
where do literal dogs live? on the roof .,1,en
"Today is Sigmund Freud's birthday Which reminds me, Mother's Day is this weekend.",0,en
"My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat",1,en
What do you call an autistic person in the FBI? A special agent,1,en
What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime? A weebsite. ,1,en
why don't the post office get the jehovah's witnesses to deliver the mail on saturday? work smarter not harder people .,0,en
"""Russel Brand reports he keeps being told he needs to shake up his image"" or, as people have been phrasing it 'Rustle brand'.",1,en
"anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine .",1,en
give a man a fish he'll eat for a day. teach a man to fish and you'll have to fix the washing machine yourself with youtube videos,0,en
"What do potato chips and guns have in common When you bring them to school, everyone is nice to you",1,en
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy. I just don't see it,1,en
"Optimism? Sure, it's worth a try. I don't see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.",1,en
What do you get when you mix castor oil with holy water? A religious movement.,1,en
myself. sometimes i get ahead of,0,en
How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb? Five... six... seven... eight!,1,en
"My girlfriend kept saying she'd hit me if I didn't stop singing Haddaway's What is Love. I said ""Baby, don't hurt me""",1,en
Apple is reinventing the wheel. It's going to be Revolutionary!,0,en
so threedots i just broke up with jim. we were just not working out,0,en
want to hear a sports joke? lance armstrong,1,en
My goldfish died. The good news is I'm inheriting a tiny treasure chest,1,en
"I looked up ""one divided by zero"" in the dictionary. It was undefined.",1,en
facts and science no longer matter . remember the renaissance? this era is the opposite of that .,1,en
What's a Jedi's favorite day of the year? May the fourth ... be with you.,0,en
i think my wife is going to bake me some pickle bread! she just got home with a big box and said she would surprise me tonight with her new dill dough .,0,en
"what's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after? yes , i'm completely sure .",0,en
"apparently when you donate blood, it has to be your blood .",0,en
A grizzly mauled a guy in an elevator. but I couldn't bear to see it go down,0,en
"First Olympic sailing result just in. GB have taken gold, Australia have taken silver and Somalia have taken the boat",1,en
What's the difference between being artistic and autistic? Just one letter.,1,en
Have you tasted etheopian food? Neither have they ,1,en
"To defeat Superman, Batman will sneak in Superman's house when he's asleep and dig for any weaknesses. You could say, he's going to creep tonight",0,en
Why Cap gave Sam the shield instead of Bucky? Cause Cap knows that Sam has a higher chance of getting shot,0,en
I like the way how the rest of the world is dealing with the covid crisis but... Lebanon is just having a blast,0,en
"i bought my wife a pen for her birthday. i should have got a better one though , she keeps getting out",0,en
Have you heard about the Rwandan massacre? They don't know Hutu blame.,1,en
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.,0,en
chuck norris never wet his bed as a child. the bed wet itself out of fear,0,en
What did the man say who couldn't add the same number to itself? I can't even...,0,en
Trampolines actually used to be called jumpolines ...until your mother got on one,1,en
"What does Canadian Fonzie say? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Eh",1,en
"A farmer won a million dollars playing the lottery, he was really excited looking at his bank account... ...it now showed zero dollars.",1,en
What do you call Al Gore dancing?  Algorythym.,1,en
"Some people bring blessings wherever they go, others whenever they go",1,en
Why is it good to have a child with statue syndrome? They won't run away from home.,0,en
"what did the fly say to the other fly? "" your man is open ! """,1,en
"Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times",1,en
What does a strong shoulder do when it doesn't know how to get any stronger? Shrugs.,1,en
"How does a woman start a smart sentence ""My husband said...""",1,en
"If I had a talking shark for a sidekick, I'd probably get into more deep sea shenanigans.",1,en
I heard objects cant get coronavirus Thank God I'm a woman,0,en
"I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality. but noOoo, now everyone's gotta have multiple",0,en
"how do you sell a dog to someone hard of hearing ? get really close to their ear and shout, "" do you wanna buy a dog ? """,1,en
What do you call a sentinel with three hands? A watchman.,1,en
eating a box of thin mints doesn't make you thin. apparently,1,en
what pants do ghosts wear? boo jeans .,1,en
there are only two types of news: real news and faux news .,1,en
"I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception",1,en
To err is human. To admit it is not,1,en
What was Stephen Hawkings favourite TV Show? The Hawking Dead,1,en
James Bond. Great spy? Or guy who gets captured every mission.,0,en
What did the potato say to his lover? You have amazing eyes.,1,en
Joan Rivers stopped breathing during cosmetic surgery and has passed after several days of home care. At least she died doing what she loved,1,en
"i know its not christmas, but santa's lap is always ready .",0,en
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary. I learned next to nothing.,1,en
"My friend asked me if there are any gun ranges open on Saturday? I said schools are closed on the weekends, buddy.",1,en
what type of cheese is strong? shredded cheese .,1,en
you said it was a great horse and it is. it took twenty other horses to beat him !,0,en
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches. Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away,1,en
"when life gives you lemons , you should peel one in front of the other lemons. you know threedots to send a message",0,en
Why did the gifting company fire their last employee? Because they got a bad wrap.,1,en
why did the square divorce the circle? it was sleeping around .,1,en
"Why are snow cones never sold with lemon flavor? Well, you should know.",1,en
"Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday...",0,en
What did one frog say to the other? Time's fun when you're having flies.,1,en
How do the French study the skeleton? They take your Bonaparte.,1,en
i can be up bright or early. pick one,0,en
boss : this is the third time you've been late for work this week . do you know what that means? me : that it's only wednesday,0,en
What did Aslan tell Lucy about the Witch and the Wardrobe? It's Narnia business.,1,en
"""Sir, we lost the platoon. All our men are gone."" A lone camouflaged fedora is seen in the distance. ""not all men""",1,en
When did Anakin's Jedi Master know he was turning to the dark side? In the Sith grade.,1,en
Dont tell anyone As you can tell two people,0,en
I asked my friend how he deals with his girlfriend weird fetishes. He says its an acquired taste.,1,en
My skateboarding career and Jon Snow have a lot in common. They both ended with an Ollie,1,en
"Not sure what to watch tonight. American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC",1,en
"Wrong number Some guy keeps texting ""stand and deliver"" to me. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant",1,en
praying: it's like wanting to help without actually having to help,0,en
What is Benedict Cumberbatch going as for Halloween? Benedict Pumpkinpatch,0,en
why are horses never overweight? they're on a stable diet .,1,en
My recliner and i have a long history. We go way back.,1,en
knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad,1,en
What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk.,1,en
when is a lion not a lion? when he turns into his cage !,0,en
What are the name of America hunt season? Back to school,0,en
"The grass is always greener, but usually because it's synthetic AstroTurf.",1,en
"Before this goes any further, it's important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.",1,en
what do you get for opening the best vietnamese soup joint in london? a great big pho queue .,1,en
how can you tell if a shark has dandruff? he left his head and shoulders on the beach .,1,en
"I ceaselessly seek validation from strangers. No joke, but that's why there would be a joke in the first place",1,en
"if you love somebody , let them go. if they're smart , they'll keep going",0,en
"My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.",1,en
When the janitor was told to mop the elevator He wanted to know if he needed to do it on every floor.,1,en
Why were the Ten Commandments so powerful? Because they were set in stone.,1,en
why did baby moses believe he was egyptian? because he was in da nile .,1,en
i saw my friend at the pool today for the first time in a long time and i said threedots hey! water you doing here ?,0,en
What do you call scriptures for blind people? The holy braille,1,en
why do tampons have strings attached? so you can floss after you eat . alt ending : so the crabs can bungee jump .,1,en
I heard the fork was having an affair with the knife. Or is it too spoon to bring that up,0,en
when does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train? when it's on the train .,0,en
"did you know condoms have serial numbers? oh , i guess you've never rolled one down far enough .",1,en
"so let me get this right. the guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds , yet their elevator is broken ? !",0,en
what do you call a vehicle that has changed gender? transportation,1,en
What was the philosopher's favorite toy growing up? Playdough.,0,en
"Speech is like girls skirt. If it is too long, people don't take interest in it, if it's short, it will fail to cover the subject.",1,en
i would never expect to get a penny from a dollar machine. it just doesn't make cents,1,en
A guy changes a lamp; he's a man of action A dude holds a prism in front of that lit lamp; a man of refraction,1,en
so i read the dictionary the other day. turns out the zebra did it,1,en
What does the S in LGBTQ stand for? Sanity,1,en
What's the difference between starlings and swallows? Your mum doesn't starlings.,0,en
"I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.",1,en
Oh the Irony. My predictive text doesn't know how to spell Nostradamus,0,en
"Canada's four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.",1,en
what is the best spanish joke you've ever heard? i couldnt find the spanish section of reddit,0,en
What is a nurse in the maternity ward's favorite kind of food? Delivery.,1,en
what do you get if you jump into the red sea? wet .,0,en
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there,1,en
Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.,1,en
"did y'all hear the one about the tortilla song? don't have source , but now that i think about it , it may have been a rap",1,en
What's a tick's favorite food? A tic tac,0,en
Why does Michael Scott hate Hamlet? Toby or not Toby,0,en
"research shows that , on average , men tend to write longer sentences than women. they don't get periods",1,en
"When the Baltimore rioters looted the CVS, they stole everything except for the Father's Day cards.",1,en
why can i never be a doctor? because i don't have any patients,1,en
did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? he says he's all washed up .,1,en
Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?,0,en
does any one need work . working with tulips? putting your tulips on these nuts .,0,en
what tea is hardest to swallow? reality,0,en
"Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.",0,en
What is a Redditor's favorite car brand? The Snoobaru.,0,en
What would an anime spinoff of Dora the Explorer be called? Swiper no Swiping,0,en
"sometimes when i'm feeling lonely, i write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs .",1,en
"q : i'm hungry. a : nice to meet you , hungry !",0,en
Short one... What's red with seven dents in it? Snow White's Cherry,0,en
What did the urban dog say to the other urban dog? Wad up Dawg,0,en
"If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they'd probably win Dancing with the Stars. Those gentlemen were quite agile",1,en
"So I was going to tell you a joke about a broken pencil. But nevermind, it's pointless",0,en
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral's? The most important guy at this party is dead he can't hear you.,0,en
"Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.",1,en
"What did the dead blues musician sing? ""Didn't wake up this morning...""",1,en
Roses are red Violets don't matter. When a woman says 'I love you' Men scatter,1,en
"if you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame .",0,en
"What do beekeepers say when they go to work? ""Alright, let's get down to beeswax!""",1,en
u think u had a bad day? smh think about the tree that just got cut down to make flyers for the next nickelback concert,0,en
"Men You know how they say ""why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? "" Well I say, ""why buy the whole pig for a little sausage...""",1,en
did you know that timing is the secret to great comedy? like a head phone jack is the secret to a great phone .,0,en
How did the vegan start eating meat? Cold turkey.,1,en
"Why was the man hanging out in the market all day? I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar",1,en
"Reef knot, granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot...  I can't do any of them, but my headphones sure can...",0,en
Everyone thought it was clever to name the virus Kung Flu. Until it started to spread as fast as lighting.,1,en
Why do urologists like UTIs? It means urine business.,1,en
What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww,0,en
"Two grains of sand in the desert.. The first one turns around and says to his friend: ""Dude, I think we are being followed"". I'll see myself out.",1,en
"My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: ""You man the guns, I'll drive""",1,en
The church on Elm street is hosting a prayer meeting for people with low self esteem. Please use the back entrance,0,en
How does a fetus like it's amniotic fluid? At womb temperature!,0,en
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life. because that field probably isn't hiring,1,en
What's the difference between a leper and a tree? A tree has limbs.,1,en
I'm gonna be honest with you. Particle accelerators give me a hadron,1,en
Why were you late? Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !,0,en
Why do girls like guys who wear shirts with eight buttons? They fascinate.,1,en
How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine.,1,en
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma,1,en
Whats a vegetables favorite Bee Gee song? Chive Talkin',0,en
there are two things in this world that smell like fish. and one of them is fish,0,en
My girlfriend has the body of a Greek Godess; Imaginary,1,en
What do you call a swiss man shot dead? Swiss Cheese,1,en
"fine. i'll rush you to the hospital , but then we're doing what i want",0,en
"I went into a butchers today and said, ""Is that a sheep's head in the window? "" He said, ""No, it's a mirror.""",1,en
"i was going to make a chemistry joke, but threedots na",0,en
Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on. Aisle weight.,0,en
are you the new english teacher? yes i are .,0,en
What's the difference between a spare tire and a baby? A spare tire won't scream if it's locked away in a car overnight. ,1,en
What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!,0,en
What does the handyman who has no legs wear on his head? The handycap.,1,en
Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers,1,en
"I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work. On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard",1,en
The first rule of tautology club. Is the first rule of tautology club,1,en
"Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, ""Gee, don't you think it's hot in here? "" and the other muffin says, ""AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!""",1,en
"How do you like your steak Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.",1,en
"""DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR? "" I step forward boldly. ""I know OF it.""",1,en
My uncle thinks I'm McDonalds Because he said to me I'm loving it,1,en
"Some girls are like community colleges. Even if you're not the smartest guy, you probably still get in",1,en
they're not going to grow bananas any longer. really ? why not ? because they're long enough already,1,en
Why don't Dunkin' Donuts employees wear name tags? It wouldn't fit on their shirt.,1,en
Do people whose right hand is missing look for people with a missing left hand to save money on gloves? Do they?,1,en
"British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray",1,en
What was the school shooters favorite part of playing pinball? Shooting again,1,en
When does Eminem leave school? Aftermath,0,en
my first post in this sub. here goes nothing threedots,0,en
Are they shutting twitter down anytime soon? I need to do life stuff.,0,en
Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant? The Sioux chef,1,en
did you know willie nelson just died? he was playing on the road again .,0,en
"When Santa's helpers were learning grammar, the teacher referred to them as subordinate clauses.",1,en
"What did the Bulbasaur say to the Charmander? ""Bulbasaur!!""",1,en
what did the animal control officer ask the hawaiian dancer? hula the dogs out,1,en
"my doctor gave me six months to live. when i couldn't pay my bill , he gave me another six months",1,en
How do you make a sparrow more effective? Add a spbow,0,en
"Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam. And my Axe.",0,en
whats the difference between a chef and a jew?? a chef can choose the gas setting!!,0,en
how do mute people tell each others secrets? they put on mittens .,1,en
"Jon Snow contracted malaria after getting stabbed... ""How did you get malaria from a stab? "" ""Malaryan Steel.""",1,en
I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?,0,en
Did you hear that the guy who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next sundial,0,en
interviewer asked me why i'd make a good waiter? me : you could say i threedots bring a lot to the table .,1,en
"life is life, sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium .",1,en
"i just drove in from a transformers convention threedots threedots and boy, are my arms tires !",0,en
my superpower is making people laugh. which would be great if i was trying to be funny,1,en
what do you do if your boyfriend walks out? close the door .,0,en
"Disney owns Miramax, so the gimp from ""Pulp Fiction"" is technically a Disney Princess.",1,en
What's the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Volvo,0,en
"My girlfriend went blind I hear when people lose one sense, it improves their others. Maybe she will improve in her sense of humour",1,en
"kid, we've been tracking your performance on the self checkout... you're the best we've ever seen. we'd like you to become our head cashier",1,en
My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan. It's like I've never seen herbivore.,1,en
"How many people can you fit in a car Six, two on the front, three in the back and your nan in the ash tray",0,en
Why does our body absorb Strontium? To make our bones stronger,1,en
Did you hear about the computer that ate an entire hamburger in one go? It was a megabyte.,0,en
did you hear about dictionary : the musical? it's a play on words threedots,1,en
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles,0,en
a man fell into a river . why did he refuse help? he was in the nile,1,en
I brought my wife something back from my work trip Although She won't find out until she gets tested,1,en
what do you call a joke that is not funny? an unfunny joke,1,en
"we should call them whether men , because they don't know whether or not it's going to rain , get it? that's a good one .",1,en
My friend was feeling really low and depressed. So I decided to go to his home to hang out with him. But he already started without me.,0,en
What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? If one bit you you could ride it to hospital !,0,en
Why did the doe give the faun an umbrella? In case of reindeer. And because I caribou.,1,en
"When I was young, I slipped on some spilled beans and broke my spine, paralysing myself. Oh what I'd have done with Heinzsight",0,en
"the seven dwarfs are in the bath , and they all were feeling happy. happy climbed out , then they all felt grumpy",1,en
"Yesterday my teacher in high school told me that ""you have to be quiet, nobody knows we're here"" Then the school shooter found us",1,en
have you seen the world's biggest thermometer? i hear it's fair in height,1,en
What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over thehill while wearing sunglasses? Nothing. He did not recognize them.,1,en
"Dear Fox news, I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer",0,en
"every time i get a paper cut, i know somewhere a tree is laughing .",1,en
My wife told me to get in touch with my more feminine side..... So I crashed the car,0,en
You ever seen a Polish trailer? And..here we are.,0,en
Microsoft just announced French tanks are available in World of Tanks. I'm not sure why I would want to play a game where I could only drive in reverse,1,en
What do you get when you minus Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear...? ... A smile !,0,en
what did one octopus say to the other octopus? will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand,1,en
"me : can i have a few extra days off over christmas boss : it's may me : sorry, may i have a few extra days off over christmas",0,en
"What did the guitarist say to the magician. Pick a chord, any chord",1,en
What did the optometrist say when he walked into another doctor's prostate exam How many fingers is he holding up?,1,en
What is similar between a woman and a fork? They are both kitchen utensils.,1,en
Have you heard of the pelican? It's bill fits more than its belly can,1,en
it's not my fault that i'm lazy. it walks in the family,1,en
"i've been texting this cute dyslexic girl. i think she likes me , but she keeps sending mixed messages",1,en
what did the soldier use to season his fries? a salt rifle .,1,en
what do you call the study of color? cyance,1,en
"Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations.",0,en
what kind of socks do you find in your backyard? garden hose .,1,en
What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you I'll just have a slither.,0,en
Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.,1,en
what makes a ghost happy? an elevator . it lifts the spirits .,0,en
what starts and ends with a ' v ' and is only one letter? ' w ',1,en
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An extra electron,1,en
Say what you want about the make a wish foundation But they can certainly make a deadline,0,en
What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it,1,en
Bobby Flay's sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay,0,en
My son said that he wanted to play with his water pistol. So I boiled the kettle.,1,en
Sent a Whatsapp message to my blind daughter two hours ago. She hasn't seen it. ,0,en
q : what is the difference between a dog and a viola? a : the dog knows when to stop scratching .,0,en
why are there no bruce lee jokes? because bruce lee is no joke .,0,en
why was kobe such a bad father coz he was a helicopter parent.,0,en
what was bob the builder called after he retired? bob .,0,en
"Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?",1,en
If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get? Snappy talk.,0,en
what do you call a guy that's lost his car? carlos,0,en
"Men Vs Women Women want many things from one Man Whereas, Men want one thing from many Women..!!",0,en
I Bought a Deck of Police Cards Yesterday It was really weird. There were no diamonds or hearts in it. Just fifty one clubs and a spade.,0,en
Why do they call it a cheese grater? Because nothing is greater than chesse.,1,en
"So thankful I wasn't molested as a child, but think it's weird no one tried. Was it my fault??",1,en
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it,1,en
What do you call an original joke? Baha Fresh,1,en
stevie wonder just got divorced. bet he didn't see that one coming,1,en
I used to be opposed to organ transplant. But after having one done myself; I guess I've had a change of heart,1,en
What's a Redditor's favorite color? M'genta,0,en
"The wages of sin is death But hey, at least I got a job.",1,en
What's a dragons favorite snack? Fire Crackers!,0,en
what do you call a radioactive chair? Chairnobyl.,1,en
What are a fedora tipper's three favorite pokemon? M'chop M'choke M'champ,0,en
i've been searching for my stolen bed. and i won't rest until i find it,0,en
"If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.",0,en
Love is like a cup of hot coffee on a rainy day. It gets cold really fast,0,en
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Santa Claustrophobia !,0,en
what bus crossed the atlantic ocean? columbus,0,en
I'll do algebra. I'll do trigonometry. I'll even do calculus! But graphing is simply where I draw the line.,1,en
"Two pieces of underwear are hanging on display in a lingerie shop. One turns to the other and says: ""I love you brah.""",1,en
I want to make a MOBA. Its based in a forest and called League of Logang ,0,en
q . where do fish sleep? a . in a river bed,0,en
Alrighty Kids always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables,1,en
What do you call someone who studies babies? A food scientist.,1,en
How do I like eggs? Ummm...in a cake!,0,en
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair who was hit by lightning? A fried vegetable.,1,en
What do you call the next generation of motherboard? A daughterboard.,1,en
How did Sigmund Freud die? He slipped,0,en
What's Dee Barnes favourite headphones? Beats by Dre,0,en
"what is a grape without ' g '? it's still a grape , just without gravity .",1,en
"What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident? A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. EDIT: Spelled ""Tyrannosaurus"" incorrectly.",0,en
"not sure video instagram is a good idea . i've never looked at a picture of someone's dinner and thought, "" if only i could hear this . """,1,en
"Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand",1,en
"I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down",1,en
"If you say ""I knew you were going to say that"" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings",1,en
god is love. but satan does that thing with his tongue that you love,0,en
How can you tell if a woman's picture is photoshopped? She isn't standing in the kitchen,1,en
"If you're looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.",0,en
Someone stole my mood ring the other day. I still don't know how I feel about it,0,en
teacher : tommy put some more water in the fish tank! pupil : why miss i only put some in yesterday and he hasn't drunk that yet,0,en
Question about a song: Who is Phyllis Navi Daad and why are wishing her a Merry Christmas?,1,en
what does a man eat when he cannot run off with his girlfriend? cantaloupe,0,en
"And then the doctor says. Now, what did I do with my pen",1,en
"What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus. I watched Jurassic Park tonight, stole this.",0,en
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.,0,en
I met Michael J Fox yesterday. I was going to shake his hand but remembered it does that on its own,0,en
How do you rescue a drowning baker? With a Loaf Preserver.,0,en
"Schrodinger: How's my cat, Doc? Vet: I have good news and bad news..",0,en
a redditor walked into a we took too long to load this page for you. try again and hopefully we'll be fast enough this time,0,en
what do you call a turtle with a hard on? a slow poke .,1,en
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune !,0,en
"which is better , a cat or a dog house? a dog house , because a cat house has no woof !",0,en
"If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called: Stop. Hammer thyme.",1,en
what costs you more the less you spend on it? a divorce lawyer .,1,en
What do monsters play when they are in the bus? Squash.,1,en
Why doesn't Achilles have any scars? His wounds always heel.,1,en
"""My god, "" I whisper as the food arrives. ""Just as the prophecy foretold.""",1,en
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought look who's telling me that,1,en
Time Lords make the worst lovers. It's always bigger on the inside,1,en
What do you call a woman hanging on a tree An example,1,en
what's the best way to make pants last? make the jacket first .,0,en
What does Cam Newton and Fig Newton have in common? They both crumble under pressure,1,en
"that awkward moment when you find something hilarious, but nobody else does .",1,en
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn't shower? Moses. hi i'm your new youth pastor Keith,0,en
What's the same about seasons and dads? They both leave,1,en
what do bees do if they want to use public transport? wait at a buzz stop !,0,en
Mankind's first conversation Eve: Eat the apple. Adam: Ok but you also eat the banana. Eve: But there's no banana. Adam: Exactly.,1,en
"HARRY POTTER: Alohamora MORA: Aloha, Harry",0,en
What hotel has the most stars? Auschwitz,0,en
why wouldn't the man dance? his pants had no ballroom .,1,en
Whats the most popular event at the Special Olympics? Downs Hill Skiing.,1,en
"A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.",1,en
how many apples grow on a tree? all of them !,0,en
What do you call the smallest puppy in a litter that drinks alot of water? Hydrant,1,en
"I recently started playing guitar... And what do ya know, I'm pretty good at fingering A Minor on the guitar too.",1,en
Mommy why is my backpack so heavy? ALLAHU AKBAR sweetie. ,0,en
"it's too bad u can't safely fill babies with helium. how cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating , chubby , happy , babies",0,en
"Captain Hook's Girlfriend Breaking Up with Him It's not you, It's Smee.",0,en
Why did the elevator move into the apartment building? He wanted to take up residence there.,1,en
"What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios? ""Wow! Doughnut seeds!""",1,en
what is the height of hunger? teeth marks on the toilet seat .,1,en
"Recently in my town there has been a lot of rain. A local church put this sign on the marquee: ""Tired of the rain? ..."" ""... Come find the Son inside!""",1,en
Kisses are like real estate. Location Location Location,0,en
"Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers? To stop it from falling out.",1,en
"""LeBron has cramps"". I get those every month you baby",0,en
Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you,0,en
My mum said she will always have my back But when dad takes off the belt she never takes the hit for me. ,1,en
did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel? they say his invention was groundbreaking,1,en
Why is my algebra textbook so sad? It has a lot of problems.,1,en
"I'm not intimidated by a pretty woman. I'm intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty",1,en
... How did Juice Wrld die? The juice expired.,0,en
What has the World Trade Center in common with a lasagna?  Both have ground meat ,1,en
what is the difference between emo teenagers and your lawn? your lawn won't cut itself .,0,en
"someone told me i was obsessed with the song "" wonderwall "". i said "" maybe """,1,en
Did you hear about that Ariana Grande concert? It was a blast.,0,en
If George Washington were alive today why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.,1,en
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It's just something I can see myself doing.,1,en
What does CPA stand for? Can't Produce Anything,1,en
"You know that pestering someone because the don't watch the same TV shows as you isn't a personality, right?",1,en
"Listen mate, the only rapture I'm interested in was sung by Debbie Harry",0,en
Stallone took home the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor. Should sit nicely next to his Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film; Rambo,1,en
"A Jewish daughter asks her Jewish dad for forty dollars to go to the movies... the dad says: ""Thirty dollars?! what do you need twenty five dollars for?!""",1,en
Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going,0,en
have you ever tried north korean food? neither have they,1,en
judge : did you commit murder? me : i'm a man . i'm afraid of commitment . judge : hahaha ! me : hahaha ! judge : life .,1,en
What is John Lennon's favourite donut? Strawberry Filled forever!,0,en
where did mary go after the explosion? everywhere .,0,en
Tomorrow is a day of fasting and abstinence for many denominations. So I guess that means no meat of ANY kind,1,en
Heard they are making the Tetris movie into a trilogy. They must think its going to be a real blockbuster,1,en
Nobody laughed when i fell while skating. But the ice sure cracked up.,1,en
What CS:GO hack do tumblr girls use? Trigger bot.,0,en
Why did Anne Frank cross the road? I dunno. Ashes kind of just blow wherever the wind takes them.,0,en
I learned about genetic mutation in biology today. It was my first class,1,en
did you hear willie nelson died? he was playing on the road again .,0,en
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.,1,en
"there is no such thing as global warming. chuck norris was cold , so he turned the sun up",0,en
"One day the bass player hid one of the drummer's sticks. The drummer said ""finally! After being a drummer for so long now I am a conductor!""",1,en
My mom lost her phone... I checked the kitchen and bathrooms but I still couldn't find it,0,en
"congratulations to the new miss america! now please answer your phone , i need tech support .",0,en
""" sir your resume says you can read minds . "" "" yup . and you're thinking ' why would he put that on a resume? ' "" "" oh . my . god . you're hired . """,1,en
how do you make a blonde laugh at easter? tell her a joke at christmas,0,en
Who is the coldest comedian? Bill Brrrr...,0,en
"What do you have.... ...when you have one green ball in your right hand, and one green ball in your left hand. Answer: Complete control of the Jolly Green Giant.",0,en
"If you were born in September. Then, you can be sure that your parents started the New Year, with a bang",0,en
Why was the lady's hair angry? Because she was always teasing it.,1,en
"who , me? oh , just living the dream . you know , that one where you forget to wear clothes to work .",0,en
"to convince my boss that i'm keeping busy , i periodically yell "" you think this is a game? "" into my phone , then slam down the receiver .",1,en
Lightning never strikes twice But my dad does.,0,en
Do you know why the Smash Bros. community like that Steve is coming to the game? Because he's a miner.,1,en
How do you know when you can trust a cow? When you have udder confidence in it.,0,en
Why did the lumber truck stop? To let the lumber jack off,1,en
Some people say I have my mom's eyes. but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law,1,en
how would you describe al gore playing the drums? algorithm .,1,en
"My LOTR joke If Gimli's father was evil, would he be called Gloin the Dark?",1,en
i just saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. it was riveting,1,en
How do Jedis close their programs on a Mac? They use Force quit.,1,en
What did the vegatable say to the fruit? Turnip,1,en
what's the difference between a public park and a public toilet? i need to know before my court date on monday .,0,en
the wife and i just got divorced. we split the house threedots i got the outside,0,en
what not to ask a gynecologist when seeking dating advice. what do you look for in a woman ?,1,en
Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread? Because he tried to get fresh.,0,en
did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? because it really looks like it did .,0,en
how can you make a slow horse fast? don't give him any food .,0,en
"What goes ""Tick Tock, woof woof""? A watchdog.",1,en
What do you call a group of elephants? A pack o'derms,1,en
"if the answer to all questions is yes, so why not ?",1,en
So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys. But you didn't like it,0,en
Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.,0,en
A guy called out over the radio that someone spilled chips at work. Turns out they were Flooritos,1,en
Miss Anders. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on,0,en
What does a confused student at Hogwarts study? Which craft,1,en
"interviewer : how do you feel about traveling? me : oh i dont know , i mean i just met you",0,en
How do you catch a bra? You set a booby trap.,0,en
who is the most fun on a missing persons case? the search party animal !,0,en
"who is a man's best friend? the sock , he's always there in hard times .",0,en
How much did the critic tip the waitor? two cents,1,en
what quality does elon musk look for in a woman? he just wants her to be down to mars,1,en
Did you hear about that new black hole? It's near Uranus..,0,en
Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled? Because they have a claus in their contract.,1,en
"My friend's been fasting for the past few days, and it's finally taking a toll of him. I told him my printer had a paper jam, and he started salivating.",1,en
did you hear about the guy who got herpes in his eyebrows? he was looking for love in all the wrong places .,0,en
What did the left eyebrow told to the right eyebrow? Hi brow,1,en
q : what's the difference between god and fighter pilots? a : god doesn't think he's a fighter pilot .,0,en
"Instead of staying up late and enjoying myself, I prefer to go to bed early and get a full night of laying awake worrying.",1,en
"I turned to her and said ""We're all just seeking validation, aren't we? "" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.",1,en
I am so poor. I cant even pay attention,0,en
What did one firefly say to the other? Got to glow now !,0,en
"""The club can't even handle me right now. "" What, like structurally? Should we call an engineer? Evacuate? Please advise",0,en
oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i'll get lasik at staples,0,en
I'm in love with the person that abducted me and kept me in their house made of Oxo Cubes I think it's Stockhome Syndrome,1,en
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel.,1,en
Chris Brown is Selling his pitbulls. he doesn't want to live with something that can fight back,0,en
"the right response to "" i'm a bit tied up at the moment "" isn't "" what are you wearing? "" apparently .",1,en
why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? to catch her false teeth .,1,en
Why does Bane and a monk get along well in the morning? Because the friar rises!,1,en
Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink. ,1,en
I just got early access to the new Injustice: Mods among us.,0,en
What is the most common comment on Reddit? OPs mother.,0,en
What do you call a person who you had a one night stand with on Mars? A solmate,1,en
I had a miscarriage while doing the laundruly. Im really upset. I still had one more shirt to hang and no more coat hangers.,0,en
What do you call a zoo with only Giraffes? Giraffic Park!!!!!!! HAHHHAHAAHHAHAA,1,en
Just donated to the autism charity Hope they find a cure,0,en
A wildfire broke out and a curious moose smelled the smoke and decided to investigate. It ended up being a huge moose steak.,1,en
having trouble finding paper towels. i need a bounty hunter,0,en
What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown? Beats me.,1,en
"if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you .",0,en
Where was the little girl when the little boy arrived? Everywhere.,0,en
did i tell you about my old girl friend with only one leg? unfortunately we broke up . turns out she leans both ways .,1,en
What do you call it when you burn your vegetables? Hot wheels.,1,en
Why was the gunman on a diet? Because he was still at large.,1,en
"What do hand jobs and tying someone elses shoes have in common? It feel awkward at first, and some day you'll have to do it to your kids.",1,en
"Me: ""When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."" Receptionist: ""Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.""",1,en
Why are asymptomatic cardiology patients so trustworthy? Because they can't tell afib,1,en
Exclusive clubs Getting into an amputee support group is really hard. To join they cost an arm and a leg.,1,en
why is beyonce a jew? because she's a survivor .,1,en
"Is a thermometer an instrument Yes, it's a Scientific instrument ",1,en
what's the definition of eternity? four blondes waiting at a four way stop .,0,en
they say nothing in life that's worth having comes easily. guess i'm really lucky to have my wife,0,en
My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes. Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing,1,en
What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge? Hard Rock.,1,en
q : why do divorced men get married again? a : bad memory .,0,en
what kind of jokes does a priest tell? dad jokes,1,en
got a job at the no more tears baby shampoo factory spraying shampoo into babies eyes and filming their reactions. best job ive ever had,0,en
Most guys think i look like an angel. because they don't see me,1,en
If you don't order beef for dinner. That's a missed steak,1,en
"I hate forensic TV shows like CSI. I know for a fact that they are completely unrealistic... I mean come on, women detectives?",1,en
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? Not everyone has used a toilet,1,en
Chuck Norris is actually every member of Slipknot. That's how fast he can change costumes,1,en
Did you hear about the two horses? They were in a stable relationship... ...but one of them had an extra mareital affair.,1,en
What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from? LIESTRONG bracelets.,1,en
i've suffered from identity crisis since i was a little boy. i mean girl,1,en
So anyone know how much a Polar Bear weighs? About enough to break the ice...........,1,en
"her lips said no, but her eyes said threedots read my lips",0,en
"What do you call a low income part of a town or city that is comprised mostly of pasta? The ""Speghetto"".",1,en
What's something that doesn't matter at all? The top automod comment.,0,en
"I've had rain boots sitting in my dorm since college started. I never thought I'd need them. As it turns out, these boots are made for Joaquin.",1,en
"Can I major in Life Hacks? Why not, I've already got two degrees that could be less useful.",0,en
"My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.",1,en
"My friend sent me an email yesterday saying ""hellomyspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative"" I said ""yes, but what does ternative mean?""",0,en
What did the passenger broccoli say to the driver broccoli? Floret!,0,en
what did the fireman say when he noticed his hammer was on fire? this is not a drill .,1,en
"Google, Microsoft and Disney are among suitors for Twitter Will it be Twoogle ? Twindows ? The Wonderful World of Tweets ? Be prepared",0,en
hey you! if you hadn't clicked this link you would be reading something else right now .,0,en
Why do depressed people look down when they walk? Nothing to look forward to. ,1,en
"some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. we call these people "" single """,1,en
"apparently , tiger is back in a bit of form. i wonder what her name is ?",1,en
What's the difference between me and my daughters therapist? A space.,0,en
What happened to the Sperm Bank when it burned down? It turned into a Krispy Kreme,0,en
"A shrinking man walks into a doctors office. The receptionist says, ""you'll have to be a little patient""",1,en
What killed the Aztec? A broken heart.,0,en
Can a ninja throw projectile weapons? Shuriken!,0,en
"I opened a window to let a fly out. and three more flew in, along with five mosquitoes, three ladybugs, a bird, and a Jehovah's Witness",1,en
What's the best kind of grass? Emo grass; the grass that cuts itself.,0,en
"how boring my life has become! the only time i hear myself say , "" i'm coming "" is when i'm trying to tell my dog i'm getting his food ready",1,en
walmart: because going to target requires a shower .,0,en
"Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! Have some crunchy popcorn, noisy cup of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a parrot",0,en
What's a cops favorite TV show? Justified,0,en
why are hands so important? you always need them for thumb finger another .,0,en
dining hall utensils today there were no utensils in the dining hall. the staff gave no forks,1,en
"i used to forget time with you. now , i'll just forget you with time",0,en
What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees? Stayin' Alive,0,en
don't introduce a guy to another guy. no guy needs to know any more guys,0,en
"How cats and dogs think Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God. Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God",1,en
"I'm too afraid of downloading PC sonic games C'mon, that creepypasta does not. exest!",0,en
what do you call a nun who's gone to heaven? nun of the above .,1,en
why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife? because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her,1,en
most of us can keep a secret. it's the people we tell it to who can't,1,en
I proposed my mute girlfriend yesterday  She couldn't day no.,0,en
did you hear about the guy that was born without ears? neither did he .,1,en
They say a woman's job never ends... That's probably why we pay them less,1,en
"So Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the new Hunger Games . . . If anything can bring him back, it's some powerful heroine.",1,en
I interned at the Dow Jones News Fund. It had its ups and downs,1,en
a man from alabama walked into a french hospital. he was in pain,0,en
Would you guys buy Apple's new product for lumberjacks? iWood.,0,en
So I just listened to Kanye's album. Dafuq,0,en
Once you've seen an Elephant attacked by a lion. You've seen a maul,0,en
What do you call an Irish bodyguard? Liam Malone.,1,en
My high school teacher draws stars on good essays I failed mine. Looks like I've gotta shoot for the stars,1,en
"I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb. that way if I ever get fat, at least I'll have nice color",1,en
What's the difference between a priest and broccoli Kids don't swallow broccoli,0,en
How did the burglary tournament work? it was a round robbin',0,en
What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.,1,en
What do you guys think of message boards? ....I'm all forum.,0,en
Why didn't the girl ride her bike to go water the neighborhood flower bed like usual? Because the pedals fell off.,1,en
"slogan idea for a braille company loads of high quality braille products, many of which you've never seen before !",1,en
health tip : there's never a ' safe ' time to shake a teenage boy's hand. never,0,en
What's the highest form of flattery? A plateau,1,en
I was going to buy some classical music CDs. But I was too baroque,1,en
my father said : do unto others as you would have them do unto you. ' so i sent him to a girls boarding school in france,1,en
What do you call a firearm that can shoot salt? A salt rifle.,1,en
My last relationship ended because I did not open the car door for her ... Instead I just swam to the surface.,0,en
"how do i stay humble? well , it's not easy , but i start by being generally bad at almost all things .",1,en
What's the difference between an emo and grass? Grass doesn't cut itself.,1,en
"My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem. They always tell me I have an outstanding balance",1,en
"I'm colourblind, I can't see black. I Almost thought the back of the bus was empty",1,en
The key to great joke tel TIMING! ling is,0,en
why did the lion get lost? cos jungle is massive .,0,en
Everyone's excited for the new Minecraft movie. It's sure to be a real blockbuster,1,en
I don't like bone jokes. I don't find them humerus,1,en
why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly? they want to finish before it's cool .,1,en
What did the apple tell the annoying orange? Citrus down.,0,en
stared at the sun to long trying to get my transition lenses to change but forgot I dont wear glasses. major headach now,0,en
"there was a computer dating back to adam and eve threedots it was an apple , and a very bad one at that. it only took one byte for everything to crash",0,en
"me : my stomach hurts. webmd : you're a kid , trying to get out of something",0,en
"don't bring a knife to a gun fight. also , no outside food , they are so strict about that",1,en
What do you call russian roulette without a gun? Roulette,1,en
How are parties and life similar? Both are pretty boring until corona gets involved,0,en
"i was wondering why i wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then i realized my monster energy sticker fell off my car",1,en
how do trains fall in love? it attracks another one.,0,en
what do blind people think of a basketball? it's a never ending story .,1,en
give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day. make the man a fish and you'll feed scientific curiosity for a lifetime,0,en
why do bees hum? because they've forgotten the words !,1,en
Why did the vegetables hop into the boiling pot of water? They were part of a stewicide pact.,1,en
What did the acorn say when it grew up? Geometry,1,en
Halloween and Valentine's day are pretty much the same thing. people dress up and pretend to be someone they're not for some sugar,1,en
"Megan and Harry's future child If Harry and Megan had a boy and named him ""Artist"" then changed his name he would be The prince formerly known as Artist",0,en
My new bowflex comes tomorrow. so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know,0,en
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk? The cookie!,0,en
what did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken? no weigh threedots,1,en
what do men and women have in common? both need some tissues after watching a good movie .,1,en
why did john snow get an iphone? for the watch .,0,en
What is an Emo kid's favourite movie? Hangout,1,en
my rock band got a gig at the baseball game. i played first bass,1,en
"So she texts: Do you want to see something exiting? Me: Yes, of course! Anddd she left the chat.",0,en
"who doesn't want to be a millionaire? well , certainly not a billionaire .",1,en
Why did the eyeglasses model become a beekeeper? He heard that beauty was in the eyes of the bee holder.,1,en
What's a whale's favourite brand of hair gel? Krill Bream.,0,en
How did the florist act after getting her dream job? Got so excited she wet her plants.,1,en
The best things in life aren't free. They cost beautiful children their innocence.,0,en
What do you call an interesting piece of fat? Avant Lard.,1,en
why did the billionaire keep winning at poker? he played his trump card .,1,en
"I have a friend whose status says ""suicidal standing on edge of cliff'. I poked him",1,en
"When asked, 'Are you Twittering? ' if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.",0,en
"You can't lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon",0,en
They say god dosn't give people they can't handle. Except cancer,0,en
"Wife. ""Did you cut the grass? "" Me. ""Yep"" Wife. ""But it doesn't look any different!"" Me. ""I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out""",0,en
wh is bhdiffrnece bet? wen corn it's the method,0,en
"i always wondered what the job application is like at hooters threedots do they just give you a bra and say, "" here fill this out "" threedots ?",1,en
"""Where was you at? "" I was probably not skipping English class.",1,en
Instagram is the best app For posting things that went viral on reddit a week ago,1,en
how does lady gaga like her meat? raw raw raw raw raw,0,en
Why can't geometry teachers tell good jokes? They go off on tangents.,1,en
I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash. I guess Ash is just better grounded,0,en
pete and repeat are in a boat . pete falls out . who is left? repeat . pete and repeat are in a boat . pete falls out . who is left,0,en
My parents used to put us to sleep by tossing us up into the air. Ofcourse you'll need to have really low ceilings for this to work.,0,en
son : i can't go to school today. father : why not ? son : i don't feel well teacher : where don't you feel well ? son : in school !,1,en
A friend of mine has just moved into his new house. I got him a radiator as a house warming present,1,en
Why is horse racing so romantic? Because the horse hugs the rails the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye!,1,en
"I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math",1,en
Whats easy to get into but difficult to get out of? A cave in Thailand,0,en
What did the businessman say to the other businessman? We're both businessmen.,1,en
Is my wife dissatisfied with me? A tiny part of me says yes..,0,en
what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef . the laughing stock joke reminded me of this one .,1,en
What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box? Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.,1,en
i made you a cake. i also ate it for you,0,en
how do you spot a modern spider? he doesn't have a web he had a website !,0,en
"My teacher told me to turn in my essay, But I ain't no snitch",1,en
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed and laughed Then i remembered that my wife and I had different dentists,1,en
How do you turn a bunk bed into two regular beds? You debunk it.,0,en
what do you call a grumpy girl's desk? a periodic table .,1,en
"if you're happy and you know it, you're self aware !",0,en
What do you call a pie who made his own ears? A pioneer,1,en
"my nephew asked , ' how will i know when i'm an adult? ' and i said , ' when you hear your favorite justin bieber song playing in an elevator '",1,en
The definition of irony. Is not knowing the difference between a definition and an example,1,en
"As the saying goes ""Work Hard, Play Hard Jihad""",1,en
What do you call a french organized crime detective? J'accuza,1,en
What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...? A fork,1,en
why did the otter cross the road? to get to the otter side !,0,en
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?,0,en
"I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like ""Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.""",1,en
A friend of mine recently asked me what ballerina's wear. But I just couldn't put tu and tu together,1,en
what's sad about lunch in ethiopia? there is no lunch .,1,en
what's the shortest way to the front page? up vote to find out .,0,en
what's the difference between aged cheddar and regular cheddar? the aged cheddar isn't as sharp as it once was .,1,en
til where the first french fry was made. in grease,1,en
Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.,1,en
A Meteorologist's best subject is small talk. They only talk about the weather,1,en
I would like to thank the kind stranger I met on the bus this morning for teaching me the meaning of the word 'abundance'. It means a lot,1,en
"Where does a nuclear family live? In Hirsohima, Japan",1,en
Thanks for wiping down my table. a damp surface that smells like a dirty sweat sock is so much better than a few crumbs,1,en
"What do Auschwitz, Treblinka, and Sobibor have in common? Tons of koffing spawns.",1,en
so i caught my dog chewing on a tree yesterday. he said the bark was really rough,1,en
What do Boomers call kids who like to play video games? Gameboy...and Gameboy Color.,1,en
why did the stormtrooper buy the iphone? because he couldn't find the droid he was looking for,1,en
Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words,0,en
"one of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody. at least , that's what my cell mate tells me",1,en
"with the unemployment rate so high, why are people still getting neck tattoos ?",1,en
Why does santa say ho ho ho? Because three hos are better than one!,0,en
"The Mona Lisa was arrested for loitering today But it wasn't her fault, she was framed.",0,en
Somebody asked me what a spoonerism was. I haven't got a cooking flue,1,en
I was asked who the founder of CrossFit was The answer is not Jesus Christ,1,en
been playing hide n ' seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. i guess i should get off twitter and go and look for them now,0,en
While the rest of the world's dealing with Corona Virus pandemic... Beirut is having a Blast!!!,0,en
How can you tell if an elephant slept in your baby's bed? The footstep on the baby's face,1,en
""" what you don't know won't hurt you . "" oh, yeah good logic . unless what i "" don't know "" about is the man waiting for me in the parking lot .",0,en
I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house. It's a process of illumination,1,en
my girlfriend said i never do anything to help so i hid her phone. i'll prove her wrong when i find it,1,en
Why can't Skrillex go fishing? He always drops the bass. Teehee,0,en
I froze some paint today. Now it's just one solid color,0,en
"How does music help after an ice storm? If you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat.",1,en
so anyone know how much a polar bear weighs? about enough to break the ice threedots,0,en
apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. the more you know,0,en
I have to admit that I lied at my interview when asked if I perform well under pressure I hate working on this submarine ,1,en
"Have you heard about the recent discovery about that moon of Jupiter? Although it is very exciting, astronomers maintain that its Loki.",1,en
Nothing beats a girl with a beautiful singing voice. Except Chris Brown,0,en
What should you not use water on A Greece Fire,1,en
What's the term for when the pool breaks during water birth? A midwife crisis.,1,en
What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day? A wet one.,0,en
I ate some Tesco burgers last night. I think it's given me the trots,1,en
"What common trait do viruses, trojan horses and worms have in common? They are all INSECURE.",1,en
The bot makes sense heres why Its the best Dark joke of all time,0,en
"If guys call short girls ""petite"", what do girls call short guys? Friends.",1,en
What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot? Pretzalcoatl,1,en
it's late and i'm wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now. i'd call her but i know she has a big algebra test tomorrow,1,en
"I let my kids eat my chocolate for Halloween, guess what shape it was in. A Starfish.",0,en
girl : do you have protection? me : um like a sword,0,en
What does Mr Miyagi do to relax? Wax off,0,en
What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia? Internyet,0,en
why don't programmers like nature? because it has too many bugs,0,en
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco,0,en
"A girl in a restaurant asked me ""Are you single? "". I happily replied ""Yes"". She took away the extra chair in front of me.",1,en
"My eyes have really great bokeh effect Even though I remove the main object from my line of vision, the blur stays.",1,en
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors? So they can see the battlefield.,1,en
The supplement store said they were out of protein powder... 'No Whey! ' I said,0,en
"Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V",0,en
prison guard is a pretty good job. who's going to steal a prison,1,en
What do you call a car made out of Canadian money? A CADillac.,1,en
someone stole my microsoft office and they're gonna pay. you have my word,0,en
i get beavers and similar animals mixed up. i otter know better,1,en
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O'Shea.,1,en
What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!,0,en
Girls are like math  if they're under ten then you use your fingers,1,en
"""Here we are."" I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field. ""No it's not."" Oh this place is good.",0,en
What do you call an introspective monk? A deep friar.,1,en
"Put yourself in my shoes for a minute... ...Now you're a mile away, and you have my shoes!",0,en
what do women and rocks have in common? you can skip the flat ones .,1,en
What do you call trees that grow in Tobago? Tobogany.,1,en
"Nice try, self check out lanes. There's not even any mirrors",0,en
How do you stop a baby from spinningaround in circles Nail its other hand to the floor.,0,en
"scrabble, it's all fun and games until someone loses an i .",1,en
I was going to use Bing for all my searches. but I couldn't find myself doing it,0,en
"I just saw a car with a big ""S"" on it. Look at the ""S"" car go",0,en
"we all have that one friend who thinks they can sing threedots and if you can't think of who, that friend is you .",0,en
I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality,1,en
tell someone you love them today because life is short. but shout it at them in german because life is also terrifying and confusing,0,en
"loan officer : and what is the purpose of your loan , sir? me : whole foods . i shop at whole foods .",1,en
What does a barista wear? A cap and chinos.,1,en
"What is the difference between yews, and ice cream? I don't like my ice cream in the oven.",1,en
what's beef jerky? dried parts of a cow that had parkinson's .,1,en
what did the angry dough ball say to the other dough ball? you trying to get a rise out of me ! came up with while i was making pizza .,0,en
Why did this adhesive strip quit his work? He just couldn't tape it anymore..,0,en
Did you hear about the truck that spilt concrete across the road? It wasn't cement to happen.,1,en
"What do the paralympics and a handjob have in common? As sweet and thoughtful as it is, you know you could do it better yourself.",0,en
"A man should always ask for a woman's consent. Besides, even if she says no, a man's opinion is worth more.",1,en
"i dont care what women say , size matters in bed. the bigger the bed the more room you have to move around",0,en
What do a condom and a fighter jet have in common? A cockpit.,1,en
Why was Chad fired from his teaching career in the kindergarden? He was hard at work,1,en
What's the key to long lasting Relationships? Not breaking up,1,en
are you free on saturday? of course im free im american !,0,en
work like you don't need the money : just stop and go home . who cares? you don't need that money,0,en
"when our solar system was formed, the sun was in charge threedots so the planets started a revolution .",1,en
"Yeah, I guess you could say I ""rescued"" my dog. I did stop him right before he was gonna start his own podcast",0,en
Did you hear about the naked guy swimming in the river in Paris? He was in Seine,1,en
"if you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do .",0,en
what's long and hard and full of seamen? the tube sock under my bed .,0,en
"Come to the west coast, they said. It'll be lit.",1,en
I want to meet the actors who get turned down to act in infomercials. Then I would ask them how their brother Alec Baldwin is doing,1,en
Nu Finish makes a Scratch Doctor to get unwanted scratches out of your car. They should make a Biatch Doctor,1,en
Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager.,0,en
Whats the difference between a jew amd a towel? You use the towel after the showers,1,en
"Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...",1,en
what is it called when a redditor has a threesome? using both hands,1,en
"What did the knife say to the other knife? Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today",0,en
what do you call a smart guy in us? a tourist .,1,en
"if you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them .",0,en
"What's red, white, and wheeled? Stephen Hawking falling down a flight of stairs.",0,en
"Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.",1,en
why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? because he needed his space .,1,en
"what do nicki minaj and santa have in common? hoe , hoe , hoe .",0,en
i once dated a girl with two noses. she wasn't much to look at but she smelled great,1,en
Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally tripped into his cloning machine? He was really beside himself after that one.,0,en
"I was in the Olympics, I was favorite in the Errection event But only made it to the Semi's",1,en
"I am suffering from Tinnitus Feminale... ... Everytime a women moves her lips, I hear a loud ringing.",0,en
What is the worst piece in undersea chess? The prawn.,1,en
What is a group of disabled kids in a bathtub called? Vegetable soup ,1,en
do you like taco bell? then you'll love real food !,0,en
How did the turtle with no arms and no legs cross the freeway? Here's a hint: take the F out of Free and take the F out of Way,0,en
"Roses are red, I used the word black, To keep this post, From getting lots of flack",1,en
Why should you leery of stairs? Because they are always up to something.,1,en
what do computers eat when they get hungry? chips .,1,en
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I'm planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot,1,en
Where do kids with ADHD go to in the summer? Concentration camp.,1,en
why was jon snow so successful at basketball? he knew where to put it threedots,0,en
Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow to pasture.,0,en
Why Couldn't Anyone Understand The Mute Mathematician's? They didn't speak sine language.,1,en
I wish I was an elevator. Because maybe then my wife would go down on me :c,0,en
What is the most frequent word in the comment section? This.,1,en
why was the battery arrested? cuz it was charged with electricity .,0,en
what's the difference between people on reddit and dead people? dead people had lives .,0,en
what do you call a reptile detective? an investigator sorry,1,en
"How are children and playdough similar Fun to play with, not to eat.",1,en
Guys I have an issue with my laundry machine It seems to be trying to file for a divorce. Any tips on how to fix this issue?,1,en
A boy walks into confession. a short commotion later the lad limps back out,1,en
"Do you think horses are negative? They seem like real neigh sayers, and they're always whinnying about everything",1,en
how does kylo ren talk on the phone in his helmet? he uses a hans free device,0,en
"Grandma called, Said her cataract had been removed. I said yea they repossessed mine too.",0,en
"I was going to study Nietzsche's philosophy. Then I just thought, it's meaningless.",1,en
mexican word of the day: chicken wing my wife plays the lottery so chicken wing some money .,1,en
"I was dating this blind girl But she turned out to be extremely violent, So i got a restraining order against her. She can't see me now. ",0,en
I think somebody went on my Facebook without me knowing. Everything on it is French now,0,en
anywhere but here. where does the punchline of a joke go ?,1,en
"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.",0,en
What was Johnny Cash's last big hit His ex wives,1,en
Roses are red. Roses are red Violets are blue Most poems rhyme This one doesn't,0,en
"if any part of my body touches the shower liner, i call in sick to work .",1,en
Opposites don't always attract. I've met several sane and normal people and found nothing about them appealing,1,en
Are locks still happening Just asking cause I have been able to comment on different posts,0,en
Whats the difference between a video game and a child. Beating a video game is hard. ,0,en
What is the difference between American schools and prisons. Prisons are less likely to get shot up.,1,en
What's the difference between me and my teacher? My mom can't find one either.,1,en
find out this one weird trick fishermen use. click bait,0,en
all i had to do to get back into twitter was type my credit card number into some web site in japanese! i'm back america,0,en
"Historical fact: The term ""bro"" originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.",1,en
"if it's true that opposites attract, i should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff .",1,en
Why are wedding gowns white? Cuz the dishwasher should match the stove and the fridge,0,en
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like? Me: Open ones.,1,en
"I used to speak in Fleetwood Mac quotes, but I stopped... ...and I'm never going back again.",0,en
"Why was the cookie monster arrested for computer hacking. He was in possession of all the ""COOKIES""",1,en
"It's bikini season, so you're allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.",1,en
What is a primate's ideal salary? A gorillian dollars per year.,1,en
What do you get when you put mushrooms on rice? Rice Krispies,1,en
what do you call a family that runs a gas station? pump kin .,1,en
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win? Everybody.,0,en
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.,0,en
twitter is a good place to meet men. the odds are good but the goods are odd,1,en
"""Stop complaining about food Maliki, it could be worse. There are girls in America who had their hair ruined by some rain.""",1,en
Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died? He just needed a little bit of Clojure.,1,en
Virginity and candy are a lot a like. They require minimal force to take from a child,1,en
why do you never see a teddy bear ordering dessert? cus they are always stuffed .,0,en
"I am not racist at all! I have many people from many races as my dear, lovely S L A V E S",0,en
"Why are sewer covers called manholes? If they were called womanholes, guys would keep trying to get in.",1,en
A girl I know was bored one day with her dog. She decided to put peanut butter on herself. Her dog got a snack and she got a treat.,1,en
"when someone rings the doorbell i say to my kids , "" i think it's santa claus! "" so i don't have to get up .",0,en
"Winter is a lot like Justin Bieber. It was cute and exciting in the begining, but now its a bit annoying and it should probably just stay in Canada",0,en
"i met a guy the other day with a glass eye. he didn't tell me , it just came out in the conversation",1,en
"We've got people working on world peace, and I'm here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient's chocolate without her noticing.",1,en
Two coffees were walking down the street. One of them was mugged,1,en
"Did you know how versatile coat hangers are? Before birth, they fit into the cervix and afterwards into a wall outlet.",1,en
"a little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear threedots "" would you like anything to eat mr . bear? "" the bear responds : "" no , i'm stuffed . """,1,en
"in america she's called "" miley "" cyrus, but in other countries she's called "" what america would be like if it were a person "" .",1,en
whats the difference between Court and Supreme Court? Supreme Court comes with sour cream and guac.,1,en
Hmm yeah I tend to agree Thanks for the help!,0,en
"A farmer filled his truck with onions, but he crashed on the interstate. All his onions were smushed and ruined. The farmer was on the brink of crying.",1,en
How many kids does it take to paint a room? Depends on the weapon,1,en
Why did the barber win the race?  Because he took a short cut...,0,en
where do cowboys cook their meals? on the range,1,en
"Marriage is like walk in park. and the name of this park is ""Jurassic Park""",1,en
What did one asbestos tile say to the other asbestos tile? Your my asbestos friend,0,en
Why is a physicist's dream vacation in Alaska? Because of all the cold fission it has.,1,en
"What's the difference between broccoli and a disabled person? They are both vegetables, but only one of them is healthy!",0,en
What is Macauly Caulkin's favourite salad dressing? NEVERLAND RANCH,0,en
My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel. But I have my reservations,1,en
What does the W stand for in Africa Water,1,en
What do you call a man who opens the car door for you? A chauffeur.,1,en
what time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street? five after one .,0,en
"Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.",1,en
Why does the deaf team get eliminated from the paralympics every time? They can never hear the alarms,1,en
"want to hear a corny joke? then please , lend me your ear .",0,en
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that,1,en
A guy dies of autoerotic asphyxiation. His favourite movie was Die hard.,1,en
"before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. if she rolls her eyes and leaves the room , l know it has potential",0,en
What's the difference between a sandwich and a germanwings plane? When the sandwich drops I'm sad.,1,en
Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing? Because they're crab apples !,0,en
"How can you tell between a graphic designer and recruiter? Ask them to pronounce ""hires""",1,en
why did god create a man before a women? you need a rough draft before you have a final copy .,0,en
"why is there no "" lets settle this like women ""? because it lasts forever .",1,en
Did you guys know that gingers is an anagram? For people who annoy you.,1,en
How do you know when you're drowning in milk? When it's pasteurise.,1,en
What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threesome with Buzz Lightyear? You've got a friend in me,0,en
fred : do you like the dictionary i bought you for your birthday? harry : sure . it's a great present but i just can't find the words to thank you enough .,0,en
a boy asks his father the difference between up and down. his father says ' you don't have up syndrome ',1,en
"Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?",1,en
My wife wanted a new mattress. I said I'd have to sleep on it,0,en
"I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I'm gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold",1,en
what did one plate say to the other? lunch is on me .,1,en
just got back from my secret society meeting. i'm really pleased with next year's golden globe winners,1,en
how much space does fungi need to grow? as mushroom as possible .,1,en
"It's so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.",1,en
How do rabbits get to work? By rabbit transit!,0,en
Why was the moth so unpopular? He kept picking holes in everything !,0,en
"God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib",1,en
"for sale parachute: only used once , never opened small stain",1,en
how do you say nachos in english? mine !,1,en
"a student asks his maths teacher threedots student : do you believe in god? teacher : well , i believe in higher powers .",1,en
it's a shame that most things aren't pies. more things should be pies,1,en
how many honest intelligent caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? both of them .,1,en
"Among Us The answer to the question, ""What games do schizophrenics play on a daily basis?""",1,en
God made every person different. He got tired by the time he got to China,0,en
Today is Mother's Day. I celebrated by taking my wife to her favorite room in the house and leaving her alone,0,en
i just finished writing a book on dolphins. i should have used paper,1,en
How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant? Only one cannoli.,1,en
Do you know what guy in a wheelchair does when he brokes his arm? Spins around.,0,en
"there are two types of people on twitter. those who can take a joke , and those who will copy it and claim it as their own",0,en
"Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor? He had only one eye, but two pupils!",1,en
What do you get when cross the Dukes of Hazzard car with K.I.T.T.? General Lee speaking.,0,en
why are there so many more men in the military? because ladies go in first .,1,en
Why is Arrested Development funny? Because the farce is strong with that one.,1,en
"How many old people does it take to play a game of Jenga? One, because their bones are so frail.",1,en
Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost? He got lost in the maize.,1,en
"the inventor of the frisbee died yesterday. per his final wishes , he'll be thrown onto the roof and forgotten about until next summer",0,en
Did you hear about the Aggie that moved to Oklahoma? Raised the I.Q. of both states.,1,en
What does a dyslexic zombie say? Brian's ... Briiiiiiiiian's!!!,0,en
What is ISIS's favorite type of text? Is the answer: A: Heading B: Heading C: Heading,1,en
"the older i get, the earlier it gets late .",0,en
a piece of ham ham is ham. the end,0,en
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.,0,en
"chuck norris actually died four years ago, but the grim reaper can't get up the courage to tell him .",0,en
"You're good, Adobe Acrobat. You're fine just the way you are. No need to continue updating every three days.",0,en
"Hotel Chain Merger Ramada Inn and Hilton are merging. The new hotel chain will be called ""Ram it in to the Hilt""",1,en
"Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.",1,en
They say two heads are better than one. men are the exception,1,en
Does advertisement work? Just did.,1,en
what do you call a fear of deadly snakes? common sense .,1,en
my neighbors look so happy. we can fix that,1,en
People keep telling me to start thinking for myself. I'm not sure what they want me to think about,1,en
WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look,0,en
what is reddit's favorite pirate? neckbeard,0,en
my son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. so we sat outside mcdonald's,1,en
how big was the ant when it knocked over the table? giant !,0,en
"why was adele underneath a cow? so she could say "" hello from the udder side """,1,en
Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino? He was caught counting carbs.,1,en
I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure,1,en
"What did the eyeball say? Eyes, in deep despair, looking up, said in a passive tone, ""wazzup brow""",1,en
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine But Catscan,1,en
a pessimist is always alone. an optimist is always two away from a threesome,1,en
My cat is so impatient? He always wants everything meow,0,en
Why were people afraid of the bright light? Because it came from the daycare explosion.,1,en
"if they ever start charging for air threedots i'll buy a bag of chips, at least it will be a package deal .",1,en
where are chocolate coins made? at the chocolate mint .,0,en
how did the pepper end up getting killed? a salt with deadly weapon,1,en
"if electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in france ?",1,en
I like my girl like I like my memes Dead but still used,0,en
"I was cornered in an alley way by a German holding a sausage I looked him straight in the eyes and bravely said ""go on, do your wurst""",1,en
I'm thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?,0,en
is there a way to make a hamburger do the hula? sure order a burger and a shake !,0,en
The paint catapult won the competition. And with flying colors!,0,en
"I tried putting my cat on a diet once, but she's still fat. I guess it just didn't work out",1,en
"A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... ""Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear? "" The bear responds:""No, I'm stuffed.""",1,en
"I yell at my grandma to see if she is still alive It's a win win situation, either she's still alive or my inheritance just came in.",0,en
Why do orphans like to go to church? So they can have someone to call father.,1,en
"my gf won't get the remote that's in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she'd be shopping already .",0,en
We live in a time where you can be any gender... And people still choose to be women.,1,en
Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example: Ben is in a hurry Ben is in a coma,1,en
"So to prepare for tomorrow, I decided to practice playing my favorite game. Jenga.",0,en
Why was Anne Frank so tasty? I ate her fresh outta the oven.,0,en
"which two musicians are famous for saying , "" what? "" lil ' jon and beethoven .",1,en
Did you hear that Iowa State is now offering Agriculture courses? It's a growing field,1,en
"A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter... ""do you have lobster tails? "" The waiter replies: ""Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster.....""",1,en
Did you know the pope really loves cats? He's a real catholic.,1,en
who is the oldest singer on the internet? click jagger .,0,en
"a jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. if she doesn't get jealous when someone has your attention , it's because someone has hers",1,en
"what was the first thing adam said to eve? stand back , i don't know how big this thing gets !",0,en
How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicles,0,en
Anyone know how to lift a house? My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.,0,en
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander woman.,1,en
whats the difference between a piece of paper and an emo. the paper cuts you not itself,0,en
Dog poo was thrown over my fence so I went and knocked on my neighbour's door. I wanted to see if I got him,1,en
What's worse than being struck by a lightning? Being struck by an iMac.,0,en
"facial hair problems i have trouble growing facial hair, so i decided to get married so that i finally know what it's like to have a beard .",1,en
What do you do with the Emo Jewish teenage girl at the convenience store? Scan the barcode on her forearm.,0,en
why is a ghost like an empty house? because there's no body there !,0,en
"A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He's like a fish out of water.' You mean he's having trouble adjusting? ' No, I mean he's dead.'",1,en
What did the little girl and her dog say to the blond man with the metal arm? Eedd.....waaaarrdddd ,0,en
I ate some crickets last night. Gave me the runs,0,en
Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together. Happy for the person who won. ,1,en
how did darth vader know what luke got him for christmas? he felt his presents .,0,en
What do women and remote controls have in common? They work when you smack them hard enough. ,1,en
A hole's a hole My date with one eye removed disagrees,0,en
"Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it! Later Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here",0,en
I doubt this is what the financial advisors meant when they told Lays to. adjust for inflation,1,en
"A man who worked two jobs, archery manufacturing and mailman, was well known for his prowess in bed. He could make them quiver when he delivered.",1,en
What's your dog's name? Icebreaker.,0,en
What's my favourite farmer's market? The hospital.,0,en
my wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. they said only mails work here,1,en
"as i said before, i never repeat myself !",0,en
"money was so tight last xmas i had to sell a kidney for gifts. and this year it's getting so bad , i may even have to sell one of my own",1,en
how do you make an ethiopian grow? just add water .,0,en
"When you feel sad, there's the one person who can show up and make you feel better. just wanna give a shout out to the pizza delivery guy",0,en
I once won an argument with a woman. in this dream I had,1,en
what's that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination,0,en
Where is the bathroom for I.T people located? At the I pee address.,0,en
is it possible to be bored to death? that all depends on the drill .,1,en
When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken. it was hard to grasp,1,en
"don't worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex's name tattooed .",0,en
"hopefully women like a mature man. because when i say i can do it multiple times a day , i mean vacuum",1,en
i never let my children listen to jazz or classical music. it's full of sax and violins,1,en
There was a catastrophic cyber attack recently... The government is still looking for the hacker. They think he ran some ware. ,0,en
What do you call an empty jar of cheez whiz? Sheez was!,0,en
What do you call a bathroom without a bath? A bathroom!,1,en
"I read Sci Fi the same way that I read recipes I skip to the end and think, ""that'll never happen""",1,en
what's common between a puppy and a good book? both are easy to pick up but hard to put down,1,en
"My jeans say ""no more Christmas goodies"" but my leggings are like ""we got you, gurrrl""",1,en
What's Switzerland's rapper name? Lil European Union,0,en
"remember when muhammad ali died? yeah , neither does he .",1,en
What is anne frank favourite drink? soda water,0,en
What do you call a famous basketballer that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Flyn't.,1,en
America's almost finished switching to the metric system. But they've got miles to go.,1,en
"i overheard a dad at starbucks tell a kid not to tell mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so i guess i'm part of their web of lies now too .",1,en
What clothes do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.,1,en
what's the difference between the calendar and you? a calendar has a date on valentine's day .,0,en
why is the bass player stuck outside? he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway,1,en
"my friend's name is jesus. so if i go driving with him , can jesus literally take the wheel ?",0,en
i'm living on the edge. i haven't backed up in weeks,0,en
A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift. It was an uphill battle,1,en
"Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job. Ever since she started at EA, our definitions of ""exclusive"" have really diverged.",1,en
"In all the alternate universes, in how many is Kim Kardashian super famous and in how many did she just get fired from a Wells Fargo?",1,en
why are computers so smart? because they listen to their mother board .,1,en
To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar,0,en
a million dollar idea: diapers for birds .,1,en
"What's the holiest, French color? Sacred blue!",0,en
When is the water in the shower room musical? When it's piping hot.,0,en
Why did the veggie band sound horrible live? Because they were missing a beet.,1,en
"I bought some vinyl cleaner, just for the record.",1,en
What do you call the person that cleans the Mafia's hotel rooms? A maid man.,1,en
Those glasses really do make you look more dignified. Respectacles,1,en
Girls are like soft drinks they taste good but they harm you from inside But soft drinks can clean bathrooms very well,1,en
"My mother wanted an abortion So like the title says, my mother wanted an abortion. So I said to her ""Why? Our other one turned out just fine""",1,en
"What body part did Chris brown like about Rihanna Her eyes, thats why he put two rings on it.",0,en
Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store? Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.,1,en
"I just tried coffee for the first time...  To be honest, it wasn't my cup of tea...",1,en
why should you never take a shower with a pokemon? because it may pikachu .,0,en
I called Iraq suicide hotline and I said I was having suicidal thoughts They said great and asked me if I could drive a truck,1,en
What is a birds favorite thing to watch in tv? A duckumentary.,0,en
pluto wasn't even a planet for a full year on pluto . do you ever think about that? no . you only think about yourself .,0,en
"People used to say I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. Well, take a look at me now",0,en
"I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken. On the plus side, it still worked",1,en
What does the average male have in common with a Velociraptor? They both have a six inch retractable claw.,1,en
What's the difference between Reddit and Voat? Reddit doesn't constantly have reposts from the other site.,0,en
i'm never at a loss for words when i'm drunk. i just can't pronounce most of them and i make up three or four new one's,1,en
What creature in the past produced both milk and vegetables? Stephen Hawking mother.,0,en
why can't you surf on microwaves? because they're too small .,0,en
What do you get when you clone a cyborg? A cyclone.,1,en
"spider can , spider can , bunch of spiders in a can . shake it up , spiders mad , open it , they bite your hand . look out! i have a spider can",0,en
"If a rooster lays an egg on a triangular roof, which side does it roll down? Neither! Roosters don't lay eggs!",1,en
"first thing this morning, there was a tap on my door my plumber has a funny sense of humour",1,en
"people who quit reddit, what is life like now ?",0,en
"""Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression? "" ""Go on then"" ""NOT THE KRYPTONITE!"" ""That's Superman"" ""Thanks, I've been practicing.""",0,en
Moses and Joshua found a class of water in the fridge. They decided to split it,1,en
Poor Pop Smoke He's get smoked,0,en
i never thought i'd be drowning in a river. i think i was in the nile,1,en
What do the Lannisters and Alice in Chains have in common? They pay their debts on time.,1,en
"me : we need some ham . her : i just bought a pound of ham yesterday . me : are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham ?",0,en
"Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft",0,en
"today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance long story short, my girlfriend said no .",0,en
MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out,1,en
"you know what the difference between "" pay to win "" and "" play to win "" is? l . which stands for "" lots of money "" .",1,en
"I asked the librarian if they had the new book about curing blindness She said, ""Let me see."" I said, ""Yeah, that's the one""",1,en
I do it doggy style. as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet,1,en
Q: What's the range of an accordion? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!,0,en
i met somebody at work today called william hill. what are the odds ?,0,en
What kind of rain do they have at the North Pole? Reindeer.,1,en
What is the safest place in the galaxy? In the direct line of fire of a Storm Trooper.,0,en
I came out of the closet today. And I'm currently enjoying the wonderful world of Narnia,0,en
When I'm sad I like to picture a mime in the bathroom needing toilet paper.,0,en
"Sometimes I like to leave seafood restaurants clutching my stomach and whisper ""Don't order the fish, "" to people waiting for tables.",1,en
What do you call a knight made out of clay? Sir Amick,1,en
"this guy thinks i'm taking down his number, but i'm really just writing this tweet .",0,en
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message !,0,en
Did you hear about the guy who lost his shovel? His name was Douglas,0,en
"When all my classmates died in a school shooting, I felt... ...Recoil.",1,en
What kind of hair do oceans have? ...Wavy hair.,1,en
What did the dentist see at the North Pole? ...A molar bear,1,en
What do fishermen do at a their conferences? Network.,1,en
"my girlfriend asked me : "" if you won the lottery , would you still love me? "" and i answered : "" of course ! i'd miss you , but i still love you """,1,en
The death of Shelly in the car crash hit her family hard. But it hit Shelly the hardest.,0,en
"Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot",1,en
"""Release the Kraken!"" ... ""Well? "" ""We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything."" ... ""Release the tuna!""",0,en
"My fourth grade teacher told me I would use cursive at least once a week, but she was wrong. I use it every day when food is delivered to my house",1,en
LIKE if you don't ring the doorbell. You just text or call to say you're outside,0,en
"Apparently my facebook friend, Ashley, has a cat suffering from a horrible hairball. I'll be spending the day praying for it like she asked",0,en
My grandfather died because his medical report said he had Type A blood. Unfortunately it was a Typo.,1,en
It was called a jumpoline. Until your mom got on it,0,en
What do you call a pair of eyeglasses that questions its surroundings? Skepticles.,1,en
You know what they say about men who wear dress shoes. They have no soles,1,en
"I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry. but graphing is where I draw the line",1,en
what do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it? a stool sample .,1,en
Pablo was a family man. That's why he had two of them,1,en
New job My amputee grandfather just got a new job At IHOP,0,en
why are females so moody when they're on their period? it's an ovary action .,1,en
Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof? Because he wanted to feel his oats!,0,en
"Having friends is like. Having friends is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel it's warmth",0,en
So my cousin died yesterday guess who has a new fleshlight,0,en
What are babies Fully baked creampies.,0,en
why did the farmer's house catch on fire? he left his home on the range .,1,en
think my cat might be depressed. she just told me she's thinking about getting a cat,1,en
How can we be sure cats and dogs all go to heaven? Cats are good at chasing the light. And dogs are good at chasing the cats.,1,en
"for the first time i am going to be visiting britain this summer, but when i got there threedots britain had already left .",0,en
"What's Canada's spy agency? The CI, eh",1,en
how do you get pikachu on the bus? pokemon,0,en
A lot of beautiful women have told me that I am a looker. and that I should stop,1,en
"The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.",1,en
"we're at the mall and noticed none of the kids can sit on santa's lap. i'm not sure why , there's probably some claus against it threedots",0,en
"Unlike his famous father, Lord Kelvin's son never amounted to much. He was an absolute zero",1,en
what type of luggage talks in short sentences? a brief case,1,en
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister,1,en
Sleeping is so easy. I can do it with my eyes closed.,0,en
i spent an hour explaining how wifi works to my wife and my dog. the dog gets it,0,en
"the internet is an amazing thing. one minute i'm at work looking up random pages , passing the time , the next minute i'm at home looking for a new job",1,en
What kind of music do phones love to hear? A symphony,0,en
"So I found out today, there is a video of the bombing of Hiroshima. The video is black and white and pretty grainy but you can still get off to it.",0,en
"the other day i got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it , you know what i call that? i call that unfortunate .",1,en
teacher : why are you picking your nose in class? pupil : my mother won't let me do it at home !,0,en
"Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill Let's Imax and climax",0,en
me : do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? vet : where exactly is your dog me : he's uh coming later,1,en
"The Week Off? Me: Sorry boss, i can't come in today, i have a wee cough Boss: you have a wee cough? Me:Really?! thanks boss, see you next week",0,en
why can't you eat cereal in the matrix? because there is no spoon .,1,en
how did Stevenn hawkins die I don't know there wasn't enough intel,0,en
"as a stay at home dad , i have more in common with lingerie models than you might think. we both are in our underwear most of our work day",1,en
What if sharks hug with their mouths? Just sayin.,1,en
what do planets read? comet books .,0,en
How long does it take to build a castle? A Fortnight,0,en
What did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.,1,en
why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks? because they are a little meteor,1,en
"weather girl : i'm looking at six to ten inches tonight. me , to the tv : but is it going to snow ?",0,en
"""Oh my god! Sarah Jessica Parker is a competitive sprinter? !"" ""Greg, calm down! This is just the Kentucky Derby.""",0,en
My wife and I live together So we'll have to go back to your place,0,en
how do you call a corn that is unique? a unicorn .,1,en
what does a straight man and spaghetti have in common? they are both straight until it gets hot .,1,en
How is a woman similar to a cloud? In that when they leave it's a great day.,1,en
What's the difference between Hitler and the mods of this sub? Even Hitler cared about the community he ran,1,en
I applied to an art school but was rejected. You know what happens next.,0,en
How can you play Luigi's Mansion in real life Clean up spilt ashes.,0,en
op started a pizza place. they don't deliver,0,en
what is hard to get from straight men? straight answers about relationships .,1,en
which is the month in which women talk the least? february threedots because it has the least number of days,0,en
"if i take a bite of your food at a restaurant and your food is better than my food, just be aware that our relationship is now in danger",0,en
"What did the clothes designer say to her son at his graduation? ""I'm Prada you son.""",1,en
What happens when two burgers fall in love? They live together in holy meatrimony!,0,en
did you hear about how much those new prosthetic limbs cost? an arm and a leg .,1,en
Why do girls like to play with their Clarinets? Because it's the instrument that makes them sing.,1,en
Why do rabbits make good mathematicians? Because they're constantly multiplying!,1,en
"Whenever a waiter asks, ""Do you want to hear about our specials? "", push the menu aside and softly whisper, ""I want to hear about you.""",1,en
"you call it laziness ', i call it laziness ' too because i don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse .",1,en
Which songs do planets sing? Neptunes.,1,en
why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? she wanted to get a dark tan .,1,en
What do you call a hot high school math teacher? Expansion of minors,1,en
"A snake walks into a bar. ""I didn't know snakes could walk"" said the bartender",1,en
why can't the insecure fish sing well? he's never comfortable in his own scales .,1,en
"how does one even? it simply doesn't , because it's odd .",1,en
"What do they serve at a Jewish BBQ? Calm down, exactly what they serve at other BBQ's. Just hamburgers and Frank.",1,en
"sorry i'm late, i was staring at a picture of the ninja turtles for an hour trying to figure out why they always wear belts with no pants .",0,en
I cut myself shaving today. because who has time to do both,0,en
A fun activity at the rodeo is walking around asking people if it's their first rodeo. It never gets old,1,en
My friend always says everyone is beautiful on the inside... Although that might just be because he likes blood play.,0,en
my epileptic son loves our new christmas tree. you should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights,0,en
What does Spock sing in the shower? I'll stop the world and meld with you!,0,en
"A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray ""Is this good for wasps?"" he asked the assistant. ""No, it kills them.""",1,en
"before cameras, people would have to say ""cheese"" for two hours while they got their portrait painted",1,en
what has more letters than the alphabet? the post office .,1,en
"Will we just know how to play the harp in heaven, or do we need to arrange lessons beforehand?",1,en
where do you buy a walrus? walmart !,0,en
right now i'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. i think i've forgotten this before,0,en
What's the most privileged fish? A Great White shark.,1,en
"Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say ""OK I'll let you know""",1,en
What do you call a small Tyrannosaurus Rex? A Tinysaurus Rex.,1,en
Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.,0,en
"don't cry because it's over, smile because it was pizza .",0,en
"I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series. It's called the ""Learning to Count"" trilogy",1,en
how do snails fight? they slug it out .,1,en
What is the collective noun for a group of depressives? A melancolony,1,en
What do you call playing volleyball with a crippled person? Tossing a salad.,1,en
"if you can't win an argument, correct their grammar .",0,en
What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development? Polaroid Integral Film and Babies,1,en
you can use your cat as a towel. there's no specific laws against it,1,en
why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? so people don't confuse them with feminists .,1,en
"Why did the tailor hate her job? At first it was exciting, but then it was just was sew sew.",1,en
Why do priest love children? They're gifts from God.,1,en
doctor doctor i feel so short! no problem . hop up on the couch .,0,en
"Why can't a hermit be a vegan, go to a CrossFit gym, or not eat gluten? Because he can't tell anyone about it.",1,en
"Got my girlfriend a ""get better soon"" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better",1,en
Why can't fashion designers play uno? Because they always draw a cardigan.,1,en
q : why do cows moo? a : because their horns don't work .,0,en
What kind of shoes does bread wear? Loafers.,1,en
Why are photographers always so depressed? Their life is full of negatives,1,en
"Why do people say amen instead of awomen at church? Because they sing hymns, not hers.",1,en
"Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the ""seefood diet"" I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling ",1,en
"Honey, I'm pregnant. Hi Pregnant, I'm dad",0,en
I honestly can't wait to walk my daughter down the aisle But her funeral isn't until next week,0,en
i'm still not sure if i should throw out or keep my old pillow. i guess i better sleep on it,0,en
My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp. I simply refused,1,en
"I took a ""Which Friends character are you? "" quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.",1,en
"i asked god for a bike, but then i realised god doesn't work that way threedots so i stole a bike and asked for forgiveness .",1,en
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone? Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry,0,en
Why didn't the millennial like this joke? there was nothing wrong with it,1,en
"remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his .",1,en
"What starts out soft, but gets harder the more you play with it? Wet flour!",0,en
"hey , have you heard this new joke? you just reddit .",0,en
I climbed a mountain yesterday Things were looking up until I got to the summit. It was all downhill from there,0,en
"just found my birth certificate. ugh , it's official : i've gained weight",0,en
knock knock who's there ? cookie! cookie who ? cookie quit and now i have to make all the food,0,en
"""Let's eat, Pappy."" Not ""Let's eat Pappy."" Proof grammar saves lives.",0,en
"if you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake .",0,en
They said when pigs fly. But the swine already flu,1,en
For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once,1,en
What do you call a greedy ant? An anteater !,1,en
What is a duck's favorite TV show? The feather forecast !,0,en
spelling errors? i don't do that typo thing .,1,en
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan? Not Captain Hook.,0,en
What do rodents do after dinner? Gopher a walk.,1,en
why did the man quit working at the cemetery? it was hard to make a living .,1,en
"why did the polish navy start putting glass floors on their boats? so every time they went out to sea , they could look at their old ships .",1,en
what did the butcher say the the angry customer? i'm sorry that we couldn't meat your needs . i came up with that myself about a year ago .,1,en
"Did you hear about the shooting at the school for blind, deaf mutes? It was truly a senseless tragedy.",1,en
Kobe Bryant jokes are getting old Unlike Gigi,1,en
What does Captain Marvel call her vibrator? Captain DC,1,en
i was trying to get out of the friend zone with a girl. she put me in the brother zone threedots good thing i live in alabama !,0,en
"i used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds. then i got a twitter account , and i'm over it",0,en
what's the difference between a drummer and shoes in a dryer? nothing .,0,en
"muhammad ali recently died , but look at the bright side: at least he isn't shaking anymore .",1,en
Best part about glory holes? My sis doesn't get to know i found where she works,0,en
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish The results speak for themselves.,1,en
"My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my English teacher is hotter.",1,en
whats blue and doesn't weigh much? light blue .,0,en
What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another? A parson to parson call !,1,en
Why was the germiphobe scared of coins? Because he was afraid of change.,0,en
"why is reddit called "" reddit ""? the first name they came up with reminded them too much of olive oil .",1,en
"I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.",0,en
What is it called when you get a bathroom hand job while listening to blues? W.C. Handy,1,en
"No, takeout goes in the front seat. You sit in the back",1,en
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies. He was dead Sirius,0,en
"Three brunettes and a redhead walk in to a bar. A guy at the bar says ""Hey, what's going on?"" ",1,en
"Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam",0,en
I complemented a girl by commenting 'cool' on her picture It autocorrected to 'cook',1,en
"The designer of the generic ""Advice Animals"" font changed the internet. One might say he made quite an impact",1,en
"my daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. so of course i have to tell her they don't exist in real life , just on tv",1,en
just got off the phone with my mom. she had a nice talk,0,en
What is a ghost's favorite street? A boooooooolevard.,0,en
what's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? get married on his birthday .,0,en
What falls harder rain or snow? Eric Clapton's son,0,en
What do disabled people bleed? Vegetable Oil,1,en
how much power does a nun have. nun !,0,en
You know what's way better than an iPod? A zune,0,en
"did you hear about the shooting at the kanye west concert? it was awful , they missed threedots",0,en
What do you call a tiger with missing one leg Tripod,1,en
Winter is like your boyfriend. you know it's coming soon but you want it to hold off for as long as possible,0,en
Whats the difference between children and salads I like my salad dressed,0,en
"A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl",0,en
What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously? A Tutankhamen ,1,en
"i keep a second pair of shoes at work, i don't want people to recognize me when i'm pooping .",1,en
What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day? A hug and a little quiche.,0,en
"I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions Like, ""who's blood is this"", and ""where did you get it?"" ",1,en
What did the man get when he found a genie in a lamp? Schizophrenia.,1,en
"Me to waitress: Do you validate? Waitress: Parking, you mean? Me: No. Like, can I read you some tweets and you tell me if you like them?",0,en
"My girlfriend and I joke about which of us is more competitive. But, I joke about it waaaay more than her",0,en
Why didn't the magician shave? He made it disabeard..,0,en
"does your dog like children? yes , but he prefers dog food .",1,en
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board. It was bang on target.,0,en
What did the deer say when the sportsman asked if he wanted to go hunting? I'm game.,1,en
"don't worry , it's not sexist! i'm half woman on my mothers side .",0,en
"when it gets cold in ireland , we all sit round a candle. and when it gets really cold , we light it",1,en
where will you never find a hipster fish? the mainstream,0,en
comedian in a fight ! what does a comedian use in a fight? a punch line,1,en
"Have you ever heard of Skrillex? Ah forget it... I was gonna make a Dubstep joke, but I'll just drop it",0,en
What's the difference between my daughter and school I've never been inside a school,1,en
q : why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof? a : he wanted to make a big splash in front of his class .,0,en
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with! The others were all eights and nines.,1,en
"AROMATHERAPY CONNUDRUM: Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing?",1,en
What does a balding man and a tortoise have in common? Hare loss.,1,en
"Mission Impossible? He's done four of them now. Let's call it ""Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable""",1,en
who has the most karma on reddit? buddha .,0,en
"Postmodernism pun Hi all, I'm trying to come up with a clever pun on postmodernism but I'm stumped. Does anyone have any clever puns on postmodernism?",1,en
"Why can't female medical examiners have kids? Because nobody puts baby in a coroner. Hey, at least it was original, again I will see myself out.",1,en
what's the difference between bullets and people? people miss harambe,0,en
"There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule",0,en
What was Hugh Hefner's coffin made of? Mourning Wood,0,en
boss : where'd you go ? me : i got all the way up front and realized i forgot my pen. boss : okay ? me : so i went to lunch,0,en
q : who writes ghost stories? a : a ghost writer .,0,en
I've just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand,0,en
"It's important to distinguish between a seal and a sealion. A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons",1,en
"I don't call photos of myself ""selfies"". I call photos that include anyone else ""otheries""",1,en
How to you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.,0,en
why did the farmer's wife got angry at him for paying too much attention to his equipment? he kept looking at his hoes .,1,en
"if i wore these clothes yesterday but no one saw me in them, did i really wear them .",1,en
an optimist believes that we live in the best world. a pessimist is afraid that it might be true,1,en
Interesting question Can a child without parents order a family size pizza?,1,en
are you in the comments? ' cause the real joke is always in the comments .,0,en
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after,1,en
how often do i make a chemistry joke? periodically .,1,en
"Last night I woke up and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor... ... at first I was afraid, I was petrified.",0,en
Pro tip: most pro tips are given by amateurs.,1,en
Why did the Japanese midwife run for her life? Her patient had just given birth to a little boy.,1,en
q : what has fifty legs but still can't walk? a : half a centipede .,0,en
How did Jamie find Cersei in the long grass? Satisfying.,1,en
"Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.",1,en
i was just told by my doctor that i have cancer and alzheimer's. at least i didn't get cancer !,0,en
"When you get married, you get to get to know someone intimately. especially how to annoy them",1,en
I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa's lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas. The more you know,0,en
who did the ghost invite to his party? anyone he could dig up .,0,en
what did the vegan give the homeless guy? a lecture .,1,en
people used to dress as monsters for halloween. now they dress as characters from shows you don't watch,1,en
Found an eyelash on my pizza. Wished for more pizza,0,en
where do blind parrots go for treatment? the birds eye counter !,1,en
"i've been interested in this deaf girl lately , but i'm nervous. someone told me she has aids",1,en
Women's logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.,1,en
"This one time, a guy duped me... ... but the joke was on him because then he had to deal with two of me.",0,en
"Spanish joke Guy asks his friend ""Como se escribe nariz en ingles? "" ""No se""",1,en
What comes up but never comes down? Russian Cosmonauts,1,en
"I'm so depressed, Radiohead is cheering me up.",1,en
"My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.",1,en
What does a blonde do at a think tank? Head work.,1,en
why do redditors have so many inside jokes? because we're too afraid to go outside,1,en
"doctors don't usually get paid for circumcisions threedots but if they do, all they get are tips .",1,en
Just did my holiday shopping. I've got so many shorts now; I'm swimming in them!,0,en
acording to Jane Eyre. Love is blind,0,en
what is a baby: a soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other .,1,en
"you can take the girl out of the food court , but not this girl. i'm staying",0,en
"Do you know what the Steve Harvey autobiography is called? Neither does his publisher. He gave it a title, but then took it back.",1,en
Is that NBA Jam or a helicopter crash? Because Kobe is on fire!,0,en
What's a skydiver's favorite spice? Ground cumin! As long as they aren't running out of thyme.,0,en
"I've done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.",1,en
"I don't use Miracle Whip, I use Coincidental Circumstances Easily Explained by Reason Whip.",0,en
"The three most arguably important historical revolutions: The Russian, the French, and dance dance",1,en
"oh, its october guess we should wake up that guy from green day then",0,en
"Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.",0,en
"wise men sea man came across a woman, there was a lot of cleaning up",1,en
"What's the difference between Jesus and a tree The tree makes the cross, Jesus goes on it. Nailed that comparison spot on.",0,en
What do you call a chinese crab who just got dumped? A frustacean,1,en
What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor? Dead Pan.,0,en
ama request! someone who actually pays for netflix . instead of using their brothers ex girlfriends sisters moms password .,0,en
What Do You Call it When Printers Have a Party? A paper jam,1,en
Dicaprio finally won an Oscar. Sorry wrong sub,0,en
"the little jack to his mom : mommy , i'm fed up with sleeping with jimmy! don't tell that again , you know we can afford funerals for him",0,en
Look at the description if you lock this you get my orange arrow,0,en
why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye? it's his private eye .,1,en
did you hear oxygen and magnesium are dating now? omg !,0,en
Why auto moderator Why are you the way that you are,1,en
"A man goes to the docter Man: Well doctor, what's the diagnosis? Doctor: What's your zodiac sign? Man: Cancer. Doctor: What a coincidence!",1,en
Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles!,0,en
One thing Jews and Hindus ancestors have in common Ashes,1,en
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty !,0,en
A vinter had twin ginger daughters. He named the first Rosay and the second Rose bee,1,en
i almost had a three sum last night. i just needed two more people,0,en
I hope so Is this sub good now?,0,en
"Billions of years from now, Star Jones will expand and collapse in a brilliant explosion of cosmic matter and become Black Hole Jones.",1,en
"Hub: Did you eat all the nachos? Me: Noooo. I had one nacho. Hub: because they were stuck together? Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!",0,en
What do you say if your peeing in Ireland and spot a leprechaun? Urine luck,1,en
How do you win a eating competition that you lose? Eat your opponents,1,en
Whats the diff between EROTIC and KINKY? EROTIC is when you use a feather. KINKY is when you use the whole chicken.,0,en
i went to a bingo hall last night. it was good seeing some old faces,1,en
Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.,0,en
I can't stop reading things as if there were a punchline. See what I mean,0,en
"columbus : i like it here native american : me too, that's why i live here columbus : why you ' used to live here '",1,en
What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors.,1,en
"One woodworm met another. ""How's life? "" she asked. ""Oh same as usual"" he replied ""boring.""",1,en
Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.,0,en
"What does god say when he slams a helicopter to the ground?  ""Kobe!""",1,en
How many babies can you fit in a blender? It depends how hard you push,1,en
A hipster just darted in front of me in traffic. I almost didn't see him because he was so ironic,1,en
What do monsters turn on in the summer? A scare conditioner.,0,en
"Cop: ""License and registration...it says here you need glasses"". Guy: ""I have contacts"". Cop: ""I don't care whom you know; you still have to wear your glasses"".",1,en
"Have you heard of probability before? The student replied, ""probably""",1,en
It's cool that they did the black hole or whatever but I'm more interested in BIG questions like: Why do I enjoy soup but I never have a craving for it?,1,en
"YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE! An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.",1,en
Women who seek to be equal to men. LACK AMBITION,1,en
There are no winners in life. only survivors,0,en
Why do ducks have flat webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires.,1,en
What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common? They both live off of dead Beatles.,1,en
what's yellow and flashes? a banana with a loose connection .,0,en
what did one ghost say to the other? do you believe in people,1,en
Maybe It's You The debut album from the literal chorus of Taylor Swift exes. Available for download from iTunes soon,0,en
Nein sounds like nine Nein eleven,0,en
"Man, I love the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series My favourite was, ""Diary of a Young Girl : Anne Frank.""",1,en
What's the difference between a potato and a vegetable...? Not knowing how to use a coathanger...,1,en
How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt? A Terra Bite,1,en
"what objects gets cooler when you add an ""s"" to the end? Lampshade",1,en
I dyed my hair yesterday. It was the highlight of my week.,1,en
""" i'm sure if i show my gf my twitter , she'll understand it's just for fun. "" said a bunch of now single guys",1,en
what does my mom and a turkey have in common? they both died on thanksgiving,0,en
What did the man get for winning the muscle relaxing contest? Atrophy!,0,en
What is the fastest mineral in the world? The malacheetah.,1,en
"I am fairly well educated, but not 'knows every nuance of the English language' educated. I also have no idea what 'nuance' means",1,en
What did Hermoine say when she found out she's pregnant? Fetus Abortus!,0,en
In my past life I was a turtle. It is all slowly coming back to me,0,en
"We ate abortion at my last Thanksgiving... Unfortunately, there wasn't really enough meat to fetus.",1,en
"When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.",0,en
"How much for the best friend? Manager : Sir, we've been through this, our cashiers aren't for sale.",1,en
"Well, I'm moving to Thailand. There's a small village there named Phucket that really speaks to me on a spiritual level",1,en
Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear,0,en
what happened before the big bang? the big foreplay .,0,en
how did the barber win the race? he knew a short cut .,1,en
What does your uncle and a light switch have in common in a dark room You need to turn them on if you want to move without getting hurt,0,en
"My girlfriend broke up wirh me the other day Apparently, both isn't the right answer when she asks ""do you think I'm pretty or ugly?"".....",1,en
you guy want to hear a joke about a cat? nah . i'm just kitten .,0,en
i fell in the mud. and took a shower right after !,0,en
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.,1,en
Why dont anyembers of peta have pets  they put them down before that can happen,0,en
What do you call a guy who doesn't understand dark jokes? American,1,en
Why was Nikola Tesla a fan of Marvel? Because he didn't like DC...,1,en
did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? thousands of souls were lost,0,en
"In life, Anthony Bourdain was really a role model for me... ...and in death, he's doubly so.",1,en
what do you call a banana you want tomorrow in spanish? banana,1,en
"according to this grocery list i've written on my hand, i've invented a new language .",1,en
"did you hear the one about the girl with a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh? if you put your ear up next to it , you can smell the ocean .",0,en
what do you get when a short bus gets in a wreck? mashed potatoes .,0,en
"I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me",0,en
Whoever invented the clock knows my taste well. All the numbers on it are the optimum ages of my girilfriend.,1,en
Need quick joke idea before I leave work My boss is requiring me to tell one funny quick joke before I leave work. I need your help Reddit!,0,en
"the people you may know list should be renamed to, the people you may want to block .",0,en
What would albert einstein's name be if he was blonde? Nobody would know,1,en
Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut Butter your children,0,en
What do you call hiding in a Michael Bay movie? Kabamouflage,1,en
What's an otakus favourite dessert? Senpie.,0,en
what did one wall say to the other wall? lets meet in the corner !,0,en
I'm done being a people pleaser. If everyone's ok with that,0,en
"i changed my password to "" incorrect "". so whenever i forget what it is the computer will say "" your password is incorrect """,1,en
What do vegetables and a vegetable have in common? Neither one has legs,1,en
why was moses ' wife angry? he gave her the burning bush .,0,en
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.,0,en
bath in milk why do you take baths in milk? i can not find a cow tall enough for a shower .,1,en
"If Drake owned a breakfast cereal franchise, what would it be called? OV O's!",1,en
"I'm not racist, BUT... ...I like trains",1,en
"I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today. It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked",0,en
Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right. Just like two thongs don't make it tight,0,en
What is a simile? It's like a metaphor.,1,en
What do you call a blonde girl locked in a basement? I don't know I think her name was Bella or something like that,1,en
"if you don't want to be there today , just say "" i'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. also congrats on the wedding """,1,en
"if you want a medical degree , they're literally hanging on doctor's walls. grab one",0,en
why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long? because as soon as they start they get fired .,1,en
Why are priests bad at chess? They think the bishops always make the first move,1,en
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive. They'd find me attractive,1,en
"It's like the saying goes, every inch counts. She's only used to getting an inch, but it counts!",0,en
what country does fried fish swim in? greece,1,en
"I'm having trouble finding a route to my rich aunt's funeral, Oh well, where there's a will. there's a way",0,en
what's the difference between paul walker and my computer? i actually care when my computer crashes .,0,en
Why does repost always get to the top? ... Most people reddit before,0,en
two prime numbers stayed married for life. they couldn't be divided,1,en
Why is the image of black hole so blur? I guess because Katie Bouman didn't spend all of her time taking selfies so she's not good with filters.,1,en
"""You're not the pizza guy. "" Bin Laden's last words",1,en
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.,0,en
So a quadriplegic amputee went. Absolutely nowhere,0,en
"John Lennon really liked his new haircut. In fact, he liked it so much, he wrote a song about it. Love Me Do.",1,en
Why wasn't the plastic surgeon worried about running out of breast implants anytime soon? He had a large drawer of chests right there in his office.,1,en
doctor doctor i tend to flush a lot. don't worry it's just a chain reaction !,1,en
"The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. Luckily, they gave me another one... ...free of charge.",0,en
What do you call an extremely small TV personality? Mike Rowe,1,en
my mate needed a bit of help building his clock. so i gave him a hand,1,en
Why couldn't Luke get any sleep? Because the Force Awakens,0,en
What do you call a desert towing company? A camel tow,1,en
i love self deprecating humour. shame i'm no good at it,1,en
You know what they say about big feet. Big socks,0,en
I told an emo boy that his body is a temple His carving on his skin looks so similar to the carvings in temples,1,en
What do Rick Ross and a dominatrix have in common? They're both interested in whips and chains.,1,en
i keep writing letters to myself. dear me,0,en
"What did the dog say to the tree. You've got a lot of bark, but no bite",1,en
What do french people call hot dogs? Ouiners,1,en
My prepositions teacher died. Rest on peace.,0,en
"maths and girls are the most complicated things, but maths at least has some logic .",1,en
"i met a guy recently who was a really good runner , but could only win races in wet weather. they call him the raining champion",1,en
What do you call a group of Geometry classes? A geomeforest.,1,en
Seeing as how reddit is taking so many pictures of lightning. Reddit must have some lightning fast reflexes,0,en
Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it,0,en
You know it's cold outside when. You buy a foot long at Subway and by the time you get it to you car it's a six inch,0,en
You know you are successful when. Girls from school who ignored you on facebook back in the day all of a sudden want to add you on linkedin,0,en
what do you call a vegetarian with bad gas? a leaf blower,1,en
i recently went to a gathering for turtles threedots threedots bit dull. none of us came out of our shell,0,en
"Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.",0,en
"Someone stole my flashlight. I'm not annoyed, just delighted.",1,en
What's a hipster's biggest problem? You probably haven't heard it.,0,en
What do you call a chicken vegetable? Bawk Choy,1,en
I've finally managed to stop my girlfriend worrying I'm going to leave her for someone else. I've left her for someone else.,0,en
Three guys walk in to a bar. One ducks,1,en
why do the avengers keep calling spiderman over to fix their computer? because they heard he's a web developer,1,en
I am leaving dark jokes cause its unfunny at this point.,0,en
Why didn't the truck go back to work after it got new wheels? Because it was retired!,0,en
you may like to add a tag to your youtube video . that tag? albert einstein .,0,en
"Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grub. Trumpton is on",1,en
My hairdresser doesn't cut my hair any longer. He cuts it shorter instead,1,en
What did the windmill say to Lady Gaga? I'm a really big fan.,1,en
why is kylo ren so lonely all the time? he's ben solo his whole life,0,en
If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? No. The universe uses lossy compression.,1,en
What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow? A tail pail!,0,en
why does helium go up? because the floors argon .,1,en
Love is always the answer for eternal sorrow,1,en
"sometimes i feel awkward cause i don't quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then i imagine if i was an octopus and i feel better .",1,en
"i was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise threedots threedots until i realised, we are all in the same boat .",0,en
Where can a burger get a great night's sleep? On a bed of lettuce!,0,en
What do you call it when a Catholic renovates his kitchen? A counter reformation.,1,en
"barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in . which one do you let in? the dog , once he's in , he shuts up !",0,en
What do you call a singer who enjoys spicy food? Frank Sriracha,1,en
What is Rihanna's favorite anime? Angel Beats,0,en
it : have you deleted your cookies? me : yea the chocolate ones . there may be some raisin ones left it : is there somebody else i could talk to,0,en
what's the probability that you proposed a random girl and she say no  depends if she had learnt to talk or not,1,en
Why don't klansmen like to eat sushi? because that would be a case of rice mixing,1,en
"When I have a big challenge, I'm inspired by Ayrton Senna.... Then I die halfway.",0,en
"internet dating? no thanks . i like the internet , but i don't like like the internet .",0,en
"People the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you",0,en
How do you draw a scatter plot? You give the pen to michel j fox,0,en
the time machine of tomorrow. today,0,en
who is a brooklyn dog's favorite composer? bach bach bach,1,en
"I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice ""NO. Bad Bear""",1,en
"At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: ""you have a dog? "" Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.",1,en
where do you buy clothes for baby owls? the outlet,1,en
what do you call a cheap boob job? a discount rack .,1,en
Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at 'Sporting Goods? ' Because he likes Dick's better.,1,en
what did you get for your birthday? another year !,0,en
what do you get when you cross a mountain and a desert? very tired feet .,0,en
"At church, what three words are foremost in a bride's mind on her wedding day? ""Aisle,altar,hymn.""",1,en
My girlfriend wanted a white christmas last year... So I came onto her face first thing in the morning. I thought she would have thanked me for it.,0,en
"that awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide .",0,en
"i like telling this to my tall friends "" you know, i really look up to you . literally . """,1,en
I'm blind and an old friend of mine is mute. I haven't seen or heard from him in forever.,0,en
Why was the Belgian family so dissapointed at the zoo? They didn't get to see the monkeys.,1,en
"If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, ""You showed up latte for work today! "" then when the laughing stops, ""but no, you're fired.""",1,en
What do you get when you make a scarf out of a cat? A Neko.,0,en
My mother is like cloud storage. Everyone shares her and i have no idea where she's located. Ps: I don't know if i phrased everything correctly.,0,en
What is the most popular style in Moscow salons? A brushin.,1,en
I don't understand all the Lady Gaga hate. she seems like such a nice guy,0,en
sometimes i just sit and run my fingers through my girl's hair. its a nice way to let her know i love her and also that were out of napkins,0,en
"Using the little box on my MacBook charge cord to keep my feet warm, just like my ancestors did",1,en
Many people remember Brigitte Bardot Far fewer remember her older brother Guylom...,0,en
How many men does it take to wallpaper a wall? Depends how thin you slice them,1,en
"according to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports .",1,en
"A man asks his wife why did she get married to him ""Because you're very funny."" ""I thought it was because I'm good in bed."" ""You see? You're hilarious!""",1,en
"cashier: "" sir , the toilet paper you're buying goes on sale tomorrow . "" "" cool , i'll check with my family to see if they can hold it in . """,1,en
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like? Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.,1,en
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees. They said that it was a fusion cuisine.,1,en
What is a quiet kids favourite shooting range? School.,1,en
subway employee : would you like your receipt? me : no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here,1,en
Meghan Trainor's business cards' must be pretty simple. Name: No Number: No Affiliation: No Contact address: No,0,en
What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins? They think they are in a pickle.,1,en
"warning : this film may contain nudity. either it does or it doesn't , don't waste my time",1,en
What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy? Sitcoms,1,en
"instead of using "" for example "" i'll use things such as "" such as "", for example .",1,en
"i'm sorry , we can't hire you. but your background check was hilarious",0,en
"i was bored with my life , and wanted to change something. i changed my mind",0,en
I loved to blow bubbles as a kid. bubbles was such a good dog,0,en
What's small and filled with cream? My daughter.,0,en
"Me: So, you come here often? Him: .....we're in my house.",0,en
"Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Ha, ha fooled you, I'm a submarine",0,en
"I Want To Be Pampered! Actually, any brand will do.",0,en
"When I put the left AirPod in my left ear on the first try, I know it's gonna be a great day.",0,en
he died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish .,1,en
How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic? Czechmate,1,en
"I hate flossing This morning, I brushed for literally twenty minutes just to put off flossing. My hair has never looked better",1,en
How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!,1,en
"they laugh at me because i'm different, i laugh at them because they are all the same """,1,en
What do you call it when two designers argue about what file type to export a graphic to? Getting into a bit of a .tiff!,1,en
What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts? Your ghostliness.,0,en
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap,1,en
why would boxers make good comedians? because they always have a punchline,1,en
ever tried eating a clock? it's very time consuming .,1,en
what do you call a magic dog? labracadabrador .,1,en
"before you insult a man , walk a mile in his shoes. that way , when you insult him you're a mile away and you have his shoes",1,en
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? With jammin'.,1,en
I asked my wife to bring me a Kinder Surprise when she went to the supermarket. She delivered,1,en
What is Long and narrow and becomes bigger when given a blow? A balloon.,1,en
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won,0,en
my friend just broke up with her man. i really helped her through the break up by letting her know he's no good in bed anyway,0,en
"What's the difference between fancy food and military food? Fancy food is delicious, but military food is deliciousir!",1,en
hahahaha When you search up clocks but you forget to add the l,0,en
When fish play football who is the captain? The team's kipper !,1,en
What do you call a sad watermelon? melancholy,1,en
"circular definition: see definition , circular .",1,en
what did the lactose intolerant guy say after having a glass of milk? please excuse my dairy air,0,en
"friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. had to explain to him that i'm married now , so that's where i sleep",0,en
"Overheated some milk in a lab experiment today... ...and asked the teacher if it would affect the result. Her response? ""To a degree.""",1,en
What do you call a emo acapella group? Self harmony ,1,en
My SO thinks it's sexy to bite her lip. I haven't got the heart to tell her it should be the bottom one,1,en
Why are flowering plants such good test takers? Because they have all of the anthers!,1,en
"people who write "" u "" instead of "" you "". what do you do with all the time you save ?",1,en
I went to a party dressed as an egg I met a girl dressed as a chicken. A lifelong question was answered that night: it was the egg.,1,en
Why did the rockstar try to quiet the acupuncturist? He was afraid he'd share some key notes.,1,en
What do you get when you cross a vegetable with a pronoun? Beets me.,0,en
"Boss: You're late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired Me: Well I didn't know! I ducked out early on Friday",1,en
"i stopped listening to my parents ' advice after they told me not to eat paste, and it was delicious .",1,en
"of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one .",1,en
Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.,1,en
what do hurricane irene and kim kardashian have in common? they blow the whole east coast and there's videos online .,1,en
Why didn't Rick Grimes settle his group in an abandoned senior center? Too many walkers.,0,en
"My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said, Sounds more like an ellipsis",1,en
"Guy in the dressing room next to mine: ""I don't want to get blood on these pants. "" I want to reply, ""Then stay out of my way on the catwalk""",1,en
What do you get when you cross Anne Frank and a plate? An ashtray.,0,en
what does han solo see looking into the mirror? han double,0,en
What do you use when you are drowning in women? A flirtation device.,1,en
"i want attention , but not too much attention. please pay medium attention to me",0,en
"what do cows sing at their friends birthday parties? "" happy birthday to moo happy birthday to moo",0,en
Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig? He knows a little ham goes a long way.,0,en
"Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.",0,en
You know you have ADHD when you That's it. That was the joke.,0,en
"I never misused the word ironic, ironic right? it's a bit of a paradox. THINK!",1,en
i had a one night stand! but way too many books to fit on it,0,en
People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology. I guess that it's my Achilles wrist,1,en
I can't see! Cuz I'm blind! Ha ha ha ha... its very dark someone please help,0,en
What did the German Footballer name his pet? Schweinsteiger.,1,en
"At the teraphist: ""Sometimes i just can't focus at work! "" Patient: ""that's fine, but we are here to talk about my problems.""",1,en
"what if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up, you could plug it into your computer and watch them over again .",0,en
"So I saw one of those ""Drink for Pink"" labels on a bottle of juice. Sounds like Georgia Tech's hookup strategy",1,en
If you tell a really incredible story about making money... It's an incomparable income parable.,1,en
So hoola hoops are a thing again. I figured they'd swing in to style again eventually,1,en
I'm so poor. I just rinsed off a paper plate,0,en
Whats a similarity between an Indonesian and a Blue Whale? They both live underwater,1,en
I could talk about the atomic structure all day. But I'd rather not Bohr you about it,1,en
"Remember, guys, every day is a gift. Filled with unreturnable things you didn't ask for and don't want",0,en
A guy challenges his wife to say something that will make him both happy and sad at the same time... Dinner is ready,0,en
I guess you could say the Manchester Ariana Grande concert went out with a... BIG BANG!,0,en
What did the Muslim bring to the Holiday party? Falafel and hummus.,1,en
"""What's the most likely cause of dry skin?"" Towels",0,en
"hr : you said : you're "" moist "" welcome? me : autocorrect . hr : you're fine . me : sweet ! hr : i meant : you're fired . autocorrect .",0,en
What does a frog do when it barbecues? Rib it...duh!,0,en
Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven? They were too GUI.,0,en
As a child Moses auditioned for his school play but he didn't get the part. Ironic,1,en
"apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends .",1,en
Paratroopers always make a big impact on the battle Especially when the parachute fails,1,en
I slept so well last night. I felt like God during the Holocaust. ,1,en
so you hate facebook? thanks for sharing that with me on facebook .,0,en
did you hear about the man who couldn't keep his herb garden under control? he had bad thyme management .,1,en
sick of being so tired? well there's a nap for that .,0,en
It's uncomfortable talking about how i got my cat fixed last week. But sometimes you gotta call a spayed a spayed,1,en
What do Bruce Lee and the Donkey from Shrek have in common? They have both entered the dragon. ,1,en
I have been having a lot more threesomes as of late. Ever since my wife got pregnant,1,en
My girlfriend asked me to get her off. I told her it was a little cold outside to be needing bug spray,1,en
I can't understand Undertale. It doesn't make sans,0,en
"What is the deadliest bear? Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.",0,en
My friend said a vegetarian lifestyle leads to fascinating discoveries. He was right. I discovered how quickly you can pick an ICU clean.,1,en
"Question no this is not a joke, i didn't know where to put it, how does the ""point system"" work. i've noticed i've had one and others none?",1,en
teacher : why are you reading the last pages of your history book first? pupil : i want to know how it ends !,0,en
i have two moods: sleep is for the weak sleeping for a week,1,en
The world The world is flat because my girl is the world to me.,0,en
my daughter's joke How does the Pope fly to Mass? In his HolyCopter.,0,en
What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station? Cu Copper.,1,en
How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date? Bring her flours,1,en
What did an extrovert said to an introvert? Your shirt is not tucked in.,1,en
"You know what they say about abortion Growing, growing, gone!",0,en
"team work is important, it helps to put the blame on someone else .",1,en
"where in the world is comic sans, diego ?",0,en
A parabola walked into a bar. It walked out again,1,en
"One thing's for sure: People who don't know the difference between ""Your"" and ""You're"" and ""To"" and ""Too"" have strong opinions on Facebook.",1,en
"what does a tomato and a potato have in common? both are red , except from the potato .",1,en
Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows,1,en
Where do you shop for a pregnant cow? The Mooternity Section.,0,en
"Cheese isn't just grate, it's legendairy.",1,en
where does iron man live? iron know .,0,en
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you're on a cruise!,0,en
Why couldn't the broken piano get in it's house? It didn't have any keys.,0,en
A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece ofcelery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right,1,en
Why are A's like flowers? Because B's go after them!,0,en
"Had a threesome recently , I have to say its all fun until The parents decided to file a report against me .",0,en
What do you call a flying Grizzly? ...a bearoplane,1,en
What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!,1,en
"did you hear about the dating website for old people? "" i've fallen in love and i can't get up """,1,en
What do you call a Mexican fraternity initiate? Lemon pledge,1,en
What do you call karate for amputee's? Partial arts,1,en
why are camouflage jokes always great? because you never see them coming .,1,en
"Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.",1,en
"My son asked me ""Dad, what are condoms used for? "" Me: ""Usually, to avoid answering questions like these.""",1,en
Every girl is single until I walk into the room.,1,en
The only confirmed winner of No Nut November is.. Nick Vujicic,0,en
Why was Civil Disobedience such a good essay? Thoreau editing.,1,en
what's the deal with the z fighters? they aren't fighting to stay awake !,0,en
How do the Lanisters make large beds? They put two twins together to make a king.,1,en
why didn't the cow want to go skydiving? threedots the steaks were too high .,0,en
What does a overflowing bucket of water have in common with a depressed teenager? They both go over the edge.,1,en
"In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders. But in Iraq, no phobia",1,en
why did the strawberry cross the road? there was a traffic jam .,0,en
do know who the ultimate crossfitter was? jesus .,0,en
"I'm old school in the sense that I always put women and children first. I mean, there could be spiderwebs",1,en
Why are kids today so soft? Bullets go through them like butter.,0,en
guys i need your opinion on this joke! david cameron,0,en
"I saw that they were opening a new beauty store in Boston. I think it was called ""Boston balmer""",1,en
"there are no winners in an arm wrestling match, only nascar fans .",1,en
Just got a great deal on some bottled water. The store was having a liquidation sale,1,en
"if i don't make some serious changes to my life , they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. so who can teach me how to pick a lock ?",0,en
How do you make one girl disappear? ..just add a G and now she's gone.,0,en
"what goes in dry and hard , but comes out soft and wet? chewing gum . what'd you think it was",0,en
"If ""God is in the details"". Then consider the little, sweaty red knots of skin on my ball sack to be godly",1,en
"I used my friends phone to call my girlfriend when she picked up she said ""hey babe,"" it was so cute how she recognized me without even talking",1,en
What toy would you be? A fun one. because I love it when children play with me.,0,en
Why do so many refugees drown in the Mediterranean Sea? Because you shouldn't swim with an empty stomach. ,1,en
what's the difference between eating at a restaurant and standing in a field of cows? i don't tip at restaurants .,1,en
"The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar",1,en
What's the difference between an engineer and god? God doesn't think he is an engineer,1,en
A man just died. Apparently that's funny enough to make content.,1,en
"don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes . unless he wears crocs . then, feel free to judge all you want threedots",0,en
how many x does it take to lightbulb? karma,0,en
just a reminder: don't forget to check under your bed for carrot top every night !,0,en
Confucius say. Difference between camping and being homeless is intent,1,en
What do you call a nun using katana? Nunja.,1,en
What are the level differences between nannies? Answer: the A level nannies suggest leafy vegetables... But the B nannies force kale.,1,en
What prize can you give to someone that hasn't moved a muscle in a year ? A trophy..,0,en
"Whats a really famous corn? Pop corn. Get it? like e.g, pop stars",1,en
what kind of food do maths teachers eat? square meals !,1,en
My friend told me I didnthave the confidence to farm rocks. You should have seen the look on his face when I grew boulder,0,en
Why shouldn't you take the Fourier transform of a square pulse while on a boat? Because you don't wanna sinc!,0,en
"Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do? A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.",0,en
What is the Puerto Rican national anthem? Partly in the USA,1,en
"""How did your grammar competition go? "" I losed",0,en
"Why can't Chuck Norris complete forms and applications on the internet? Because he can't bring himself to click the ""submit"" button.",0,en
how many countries border germany? nein !,0,en
which is heavier : a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? depends on which weigh you think about it,1,en
Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.,1,en
why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? so he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate .,0,en
how do you keep a turkey in suspense? i'll tell you tomorrow .,0,en
""" we should clean the bathroom. "" "" why ? are we moving ? """,0,en
"Physical Doctor gave me a physical and says I have to stop master bating. I ask why? He says ""because I'm giving you a physical""",1,en
"oh my god , my jeans fit! all i have to do is not sit down , not walk , and not breathe . i totally got this .",0,en
A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder. It was poultry in auction,1,en
Found the cause of the Fort McMurray fires. My mix tape just dropped,1,en
I saw several pieces of toast in the Wild. I thought to myself: They were bread in captivity.,1,en
You know how some people make food exactly as it appears on the cookbook? I guess you could say they made copy and pasta.,0,en
want to hear something really cool? ice .,0,en
"""As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is... Linda, where is everyone? "" ""They all called to say they're running late""",0,en
What do a condom and pulse have in common She only needs to have one of them ,0,en
why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? the thief was spending less than his wife .,0,en
What do you call a lazy cow? Lean beef.,1,en
Cane sugar is the best! It just can't be beet,0,en
This is gonna be a really long one. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee,0,en
what does a bird say when it wants revenge? toucan play at that game !,1,en
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. ... And does the dishes. Ok this isn't working,0,en
Where did the man with an undecorated yard put his spare change? His Hedge Fund.,0,en
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.,1,en
"The TV show Hoarders, on a larger scale The nation of India",1,en
What is Jar Jar Binks' favorite food? Meesa Soup,0,en
A Man lived in a square and lured animals for living. He called this chapter of his life as incubator,1,en
"i saw a sign that said falling rocks so i tried it, and it doesn't .",0,en
Why kind of motorcycles do cows ride? Mooooootorcycles!,0,en
Why is it difficult to pan for gold in Somalia? Because pyrites arrrrrr everywhere,1,en
What's the same about a dog and a foster child House broken,0,en
Some people think vomiting is hard. but I got threw it with flying colors,1,en
"Two monkeys were sitting in a tub. The first one says ""Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee! "" The second one says ""Perhaps we should add some cold water.""",1,en
I began reading a horror novel in braille. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it. ,0,en
"i have no job , no car , and i live with my parents. making a tinder profile as a teenager is difficult",1,en
When it's cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it's frustrating out I wear my UGH boots,1,en
"girl : i dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers . i never knew what he was thinking . that's so annoying , right? me : word",1,en
"How do you call a kid without legs and arms? Whatever you want, he can't defend himself",1,en
What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called? Dr Whoover,1,en
"i don't know if my ceiling is the best ceiling, but it's definitely up there .",1,en
Did you hear about the comedian who gave an old lady a defective piece of cooking equipment? He's known for his deadpan delivery.,1,en
What do Brooklyn and tight jeans have in common? Flatbush.,1,en
"Was out a drive with my dyslexic mate... I notice there's something not right. ""Can you smell petrol?"" I say ""Smell petrol?! I can't even smell my name""",1,en
why didn't the cashier laugh at my joke? it didn't make cents,1,en
"Horse walks up to a mirror and says ""Why the long face? "" Mirror says, ""I'm not sad, I'm just reflective today.""",1,en
My friend told me a joke about a clock last week and today I finally got it. It's about time,1,en
What is China's favorite ice cream flavor? Licorice,0,en
I went to the shop to buy eight legs of venison. But it was two deer,0,en
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb? He had a bright idea,1,en
I like elevators because they always let me go down on them and spread open when I'm there,1,en
"Did you hear the one about three holes in the ground? Well, well, well...",0,en
"i don't do crossfit , i cross "" fit "" off my list of goals. way easier",0,en
"roses are red , violets are blue , i'm coming through your window , i'm under your bed. thank you",0,en
I saw some guy stealing a gate last night. I thought not to shout at him cuz he might take a fence,0,en
What body of water is used for writing? The Apostrosea.,1,en
Why can't iron oxide get a date? Porque es FeO Little bilingual chemistry joke for you guys.,0,en
Why was the disabled kid screaming? There were roasted vegetables for lunch,1,en
What do you call a quadriplegic time traveler? Marty Mcsit,1,en
when i was younger i wanted to rule the world. now i just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what i'm saying,1,en
I'd like to dedicate this award to gravity. You've always kept me down to earth,0,en
Why did the Rabbi have to quit carrying around scripture with him wherever he went? Because it Torah hole in his pocket.,1,en
What's up with 'School Shooting Victims'? A shooter walks into a bar. A school shooting victim walks out.,1,en
What type of computer is unusually large? A Dell,1,en
data plan use your whole data plan every month. remember that there are children in africa with no data plan,0,en
"What's the difference between a discharged sailor and a blind person?  One can't go to sea, the other can't see to go.",1,en
"a girl called me the other day and said "" come on over , there's nobody home! "" i went over . nobody was home .",1,en
why did the cat join the red cross? it wanted to be a first aid kit .,1,en
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint,1,en
Do you know about Bassist heaven? I've never heard of it,1,en
"sorry for my absence, i've been hiding inside my head",1,en
We shouldn't worry about ant vaxxers natural selection will do that for us,1,en
My daughter said her nose is running. So I made a finish line by the door. ,0,en
"single life might be lonely, but at least i'm always with my favorite person",1,en
What the difference between Anne Frank and a mouse? A mouse doesn't become famous for living in your attic.,0,en
How do cows communicate? Moorse code.,1,en
R Kelly has always wanted to be a musician Cause he loves playing with Minors,1,en
i don't want to just eat olive garden. i want to eat olive it,1,en
"Have you heard the one about the three holes? WELL, WELL, WELL...",0,en
"I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal about Black Friday. Personally, I think all Fridays should matter",1,en
ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? i'm like the human version of that .,1,en
"thursday is "" date night "", when i force my family to eat all the expired food in our fridge .",1,en
What does a paint brush eat for dinner? Bristoles!,1,en
What do Bruce Jenner and Charlton Heston have in common? They've both been her,1,en
"i got myself into this mess, and i can get myself further into this mess .",0,en
"Relationship status: I shout ""PIZZA'S HERE"" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.",1,en
"facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have .",0,en
"just sent my boss an email that said "" keep me coming "" instead of "" keep ' em coming. "" so , that's fun",1,en
Why did the woman's visit to wall street land her in the hospital? Because the stock broker!,0,en
"At Indian Restaurant ""Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"" ""Samosa? "" ""No, thank you, I'm full now.""",1,en
"Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn't removed the one from yesterday",0,en
Whats the difference between a man and a government bond? The bond matures.,0,en
i heard your mom won a gold medal! i didn't even know they had sumo wrestling at the olympics,1,en
Whats the difference between a stillborn and a choc chip cookie? I don't like eating cookies.,0,en
Pikachu used thunderbolt. Squirtle fainted,0,en
"My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because.. ..We got a long well.",1,en
I wanted to make an impromptu joke. But I wasn't ready,0,en
All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors. Because heroes never dye,1,en
What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? A lumpy milkshake.,0,en
what animals were last to leave the ark? the elephants as they had to pack their trunks !,0,en
What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica? A rasta.,1,en
Next Battlefield map set in Nepal. It's made using groundbreaking technology,0,en
how did stevie wonder meet his wife? on a blind date,1,en
Why is. Dr.Dre's Headphones so popular? Beats me.,0,en
"What are the similarities between my work shirt and the children of Flint, MI? They both were recently ironed.",0,en
How did the scientist like his guacamole? With lots of Avogadro!,0,en
"What is the first sentence of Africa's national anthem? ""Apes together strong""",1,en
What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!,0,en
What do you call a difficult problem in chemistry? A chemystery.,1,en
"hey guys, just to let you all know i'll be closing my facebook account in three days threedots but in four days i'll be explaining why i didn't leave .",0,en
What advice does Jay Leno receive when sad? Chin up pal.,0,en
Why did the spermcell cross the road? Because i put the wrong sock on earlier,0,en
this morning there was large spider in my bath. i should really stop stealing equipment from the snooker club,0,en
i try to stop making jokes about boomerangs. but they just keep coming back at me,1,en
What do you call an elephant that flies? A jumbo jet !,1,en
"If scientists weren't so busy advancing yogurt technology, we'd have flying cars by now.",1,en
Mayweather gets in a street fight. Wins by decision,0,en
why did superman dump lois for wonder woman? he decided he wanted to date someone in the same league .,1,en
"Today I was explaining to a kid why it's good to eat vegetables When he asked wich one was my favourite, I answered ""my grandma"" ",1,en
how did luke skywalker know what darth vader got him for his birthday? he felt his presents .,0,en
where do the burgers go on new year's eve? to a meat ball !,0,en
Anyone wanna road trip to Tennessee? I hear Gatlinburg is pretty lit,0,en
i just watched a puppy do something really cute. it was like a real life youtube video,0,en
police chief : why did you arrest that doctor? officer : he was trying to take someone's pulse .,1,en
"on average , how many people are dead in a cemetery? all of them .",1,en
"God answers prayers of paralyzed little boy. ""No"", says God.",1,en
When Michael Jackson died he was melted into Lego Now the kids play with him for a change,0,en
"The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels. I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians",1,en
"not everyone was kung fu fighting , mom. some of us were trying to break it up",1,en
what is the left side of an apple? the part that you don't eat .,0,en
"When I figured out that people walk on hardwood and carpet, I was floored.",1,en
"Did you hear about the time that shallots, scallions, ramps, and leeks all got together? They tried to onionize.",1,en
"If a bunch of nuns wanted to help small business, they could create their own small business writing business plans. And call it 'Nun of Your Business'",1,en
"Two thieves were caught with a load of stolen batteries and fireworks... ...one of them was charged, and the other was let off.",1,en
"Why is Yoda the worst copilot? ""Yoda, are we still going the right way?"" ""Off course we are""",0,en
what is the gender of iron man? fe male,1,en
"Gaming: What's the difference between a train and SONY? When the train announces an arriving ""Station"", you can see it.",0,en
"for the last time big girls , a smaller dress size doesn't make you look smaller. actually , it does the opposite",1,en
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades. Wait til spring Enjoy,0,en
"What did the sign in front of the closed brothel say? Beat it, we're closed.",1,en
saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on twitter than it is on facebook. i know that now,0,en
"I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.",0,en
"My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'.",1,en
"life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad .",0,en
What did Honey Boo Boo's father say after he didn't pull out? Uh oh... I think I made a boo boo.,0,en
Pittsburgh shooter Robert Bowers was arrested trying to sneak the pistols back into his gun cabinet. at least he remembered to put the Glocks back.,1,en
What medical specialty will start to experience large fluctuations in income from payers? Eurology,1,en
doc : how is your headache? she : he is doing fine .,0,en
I've heard a lot of gossip about molasses today. It's nothing more than viscous rumours,1,en
how do you find an old man in the dark? it isn't hard .,0,en
"Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle",1,en
what is a mother's favorite christmas carol? silent night .,0,en
How do you know a wood pieces history? You check its logbook,0,en
"My marriage is a mess and I'm in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that's what keeps me going",1,en
What's the difference between an Hawaiin and a Muslim? One always offer a snack bar after saying hello,1,en
"I can't tell whether the Las Vegas music festival or the Manchester concert was better. I mean, they were both lit.",1,en
"Every husband is a farmer by default. his survival solely depends on ""Agree""culture",1,en
Texting was a great solution to talking. But now replying to texts is exhausting so I'm done with all communication I guess,1,en
what do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends? endless bread !,1,en
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheeet.,0,en
"whenever i have a one night stand, i always use protection threedots a fake name and a fake number .",0,en
"I like XXX tentacion as i like my girl. Quiet, covered by two meters of dirt.",0,en
What do you call a chocolate cake. A dindonuffin muffin,1,en
"Mother: How was your first day at school? Son: It was all right except for some man called ""Teacher"" who kept spoiling all our fun!",0,en
what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? nacho cheese .,1,en
how do you know your friends are pleased with your facebook post? they like it !,0,en
what did the shooting range instructor say to the guy in a wheelchair? parachute,1,en
"The mathematician worked from home, Because he only functioned in his domain.",1,en
"i can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it it's true, i saw it with my own eyes",1,en
"I watched what many consider the worst Star Trek episode ever, but I didn't think it was too bad. I guess I just have a lower Threshold for quality",1,en
How do you blow square balloons? Blow square breaths.,0,en
What is green and goes a hundred miles per hour? A fuel injected pickle.,0,en
ever heard of the blind gynecologist? he could read lips,1,en
When you've got a bladder infection. Urine trouble,1,en
And I thought I hated Mondays.... But Robin Williams really! Hated Mondays,0,en
"Have you heard about the new Italian radial tires? When they go flat they go ""wop wop wop!""",1,en
What's the difference between a minion and a minion joke? It's funny when you do a minion joke.,1,en
"Two old men are walking through a park... ""Nice out, isn't it? "" ""Yes, I think I'll get mine out too.""",0,en
"A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in .. a store window that said ""Help Wanted,"" so the man ran in the store and yelled out, ""What's wrong?!""",1,en
"what can you sit on , sleep on , and brush your teeth with? a chair , a bed , and a toothbrush .",0,en
Why shouldn't you get in a fight with a locomotive? Because they've been training their whole life.,0,en
what has a bottom on a top? a leg .,1,en
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him.,0,en
my little nephew told me this one . what do trees and dogs have in common? bark .,1,en
"What are the three most important things to an orthopedic surgeon's business? Dislocation, dislocation, dislocation",1,en
"breaking news: scientists sneak up on periodic table , add element of surprise",1,en
How can you tell when a vegetable has boiled? The wheelchair floats to the top,1,en
The corona virus is like pasta The Chinese invented it but the Italians spread it across the world,1,en
why is the archaeologist depressed? some old stuff just got dug up,0,en
What do you call it when your Biology grade is close to an F? Biodegraded,1,en
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...,0,en
I live in a state of constant agony. That state is Missouri.,0,en
"What is small, soft and brown in children's pants? Michael Jackson's hand. ",0,en
What's the difference between a religion and a cult? Their tax exemption status.,1,en
What is the most difficult day in the Ghetto? Fathers Day,1,en
what kind of shoes do ninjas use? sneakers .,1,en
"Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.",0,en
Deathblade the Biker Gang leader ran over a land mine. He died like he rode: all over the place,0,en
I heard parkland high school was having financial problems... So they opened up a shooting range to make ends meet,1,en
where do ghosts live? at the dead end .,1,en
What do you call an environmental bicyclist? A recyclist.,1,en
"twitter, because my work isn't just going to ignore itself .",1,en
"My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world",1,en
Who is tall dark and a great dancer? Dark Raver !,0,en
What can be a better thing than a beautiful wife? A beautiful daughter.,0,en
Why can't Apple design cars? They don't have Windows,1,en
"Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake? He was shaken, not stirred.",0,en
"Being human is OK, but I wish there were alternatives.",0,en
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed. And then I remembered I got gas,1,en
User interface? I hardly even know her!,0,en
"Trying to make a password Me: beefstew Computer: sorry, password not stroganoff",0,en
"You know how to do gypsy triathlon? You walk to the pool, don't swim, and then ride home on a brand new bike.",0,en
What's the hardest game to play with an Amputee? Five finger fillet.,1,en
"If apples come from apple seeds and tomatoes come from tomato seeds, how come nothing is sprouting from the bird seeds I planted?",1,en
"a zen student asked his master , "" is it ok to use email? "" "" yes , "" replied the master , "" but no attachments . """,1,en
A clever one from Yahoo! Answers Sea water equals salt. That's what it boils down to.,0,en
"Friendly reminder to people who were at ground zero to get checked for lung cancer regularly No jokes here, this could actually save your life.",0,en
"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.",1,en
What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite band? The Doors.,1,en
what did batman say to robin before they got in the car? get in the car : p,0,en
I wonder how much Stephen Paddock paid for his hotel room? I guess they where at killer prices.,1,en
"reddit is a lot like my fridge. i check it constantly , even though i know nothing has changed",0,en
"I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that'll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.",0,en
How do you know your relationship is over? When the cops arrest you.,1,en
How do Russians watch online movies? Nyetflix!,1,en
"I once had a teacher who frequently went to the hospital, and comes out crying. We called her Miss Carriage",1,en
thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. i have the same opinion as you do now,0,en
Why don't Bill Cosby's Lights Work? He required that their circuits have no resistance.,0,en
Don't be sad laundry. No one is doing me either,0,en
"Why is it. old people say ""there's no place like home"", yet when you put them in one",1,en
I haven't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years. I really hope he's okay,0,en
if jesus is the lamb of god? does that mean mary had a little lamb,1,en
I've never understood why new pencils come unsharpened. Seems pretty pointless to me,1,en
What did one tonsil say to the other? Get dressed a doctor is taking us out to night.,1,en
why do towels get dirty? if we use towels just to dry ourselves after washing off dirt and what not . why do they get dirty,1,en
why romeo could not meet juliet at an apple store? poor juliet ! did not know apple stores don't have windows !,0,en
"yelling "" you're not my real ladder! "" at your step ladder .",0,en
what do disney and rap have in common? both of their biggest stars died of seizures,1,en
"I like to look classy when I'm at Walmart. That's why when go there, I tuck my shirt into my sweatpants",1,en
Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book. deserving of a happy ending,0,en
"what do my girlfriend and jesus have in common? not sure if either of them came once , but i know they haven't come a second time .",1,en
My trip to Beruit was so fun! I had such a blast!,0,en
"I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone. No ""F""s given",0,en
"If I was an engineer, I would turn emo. My inventions would be ""Cutting Edge""",1,en
What's the inverse of Kansas? Arkansas,0,en
"If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.",1,en
Why did the Earth suddenly enter a manic episode then go back to a depressive episode? Because it's bipolar.,1,en
I went to a jewish aquarium And all they had were goldfish,1,en
how many sand people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? no one knows . they ride single file to hide their numbers .,1,en
"I can get into aquariums for free, because I donated a whale! I guess my ex's sister was useful for something after all.",0,en
Ever heard of Canadian terrorism? It's when your neighbour leaves and you do all of his chores!,1,en
"If the Discovery Channel's new show 'Naked And Afraid' isn't about Mormon honeymoons, I'm not interested.",1,en
what do you call a watermelon in california? a melon,1,en
"What's long, hard, full of seamen and at the bottom of the ocean? Madeleine McCann.",0,en
Where can you find tetraplegics? Where you left them.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose? Bicycle petals !,0,en
What did the blonde medical student die from? An aneurysm.,1,en
"what did the soccer player shout to the baker who's cakes kept sticking to the tin? "" line it ! """,1,en
Chocolate Absence of light Devoid of colour Labrador Yeetus Deretus,1,en
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said 'Wii.',1,en
"before chris brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "" the peas "" .",1,en
What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship? All four people are happy.,1,en
How are dog catchers paid?  By the pound...,1,en
What's the difference between bread and children? The bread doesn't scream when the meat goes in between.,1,en
"Money doesn't grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations",1,en
This sub is extremely environmentally friendly It only uses recycled jokes,1,en
wanna watch netflix in h? i'll give you the d later .,0,en
Just thought this one up: What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common? They both know when it's time to turn things over.,0,en
What do you call shy bladder incidents? Frozen pees,1,en
What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak !,0,en
What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers? Infantry !,1,en
what's the best way to make friends? go up to a girl and say that you love her .,0,en
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome. I would employ lots of woman whose sole job will be to call me handsome,1,en
why did dua lipa fall in love with del Potro? because Juan kiss is all it takes.,0,en
which company saw the end of disco coming from a mile away? discover .,0,en
"Have you guys herd of pewdiepie My friend Brenton from New Zealand recommended his channel to me, great guy wonder where he is now ",0,en
Silver play button to USA Credits: A random bat,0,en
The difference between a cookie and a cracker. Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.,1,en
My wife makes a great dinner for the dog,0,en
picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor. ok that's how i dance,0,en
what's the difference between my wife and a balloon? the balloon still takes my breath away .,0,en
"They just don't make toys like they used too. Back in my day toys were handmade by kids, for kids.",1,en
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? The spacebar!,0,en
"Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for ""all the services I provided them"".",1,en
Frog COD What happens when Frogs die playing Call of Duty? They respawn.,0,en
"my son got very excited about all the toys he found when i cleaned behind the couch, i should have waited till christmas morning to do that",1,en
when is a one not one? when it's too,0,en
what's the difference between a fly and a bird? a bird can fly but a fly can't bird .,1,en
Who was the last man to box Muhammad Ali? The Undertaker,0,en
Why are blood bank workers so good at correcting spelling mistakes? Because they see typos every day.,1,en
Did you hear about the baker who became a fisherman? He's reeling in the dough!,0,en
Why do shoes get sad... Why do shoes get sad when they lose their matching shoe? Because they lost their solemate,1,en
can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? meeting with one tomorrow . thanks,0,en
"A Christian and a catholic jumped of a cliff, who won? society",1,en
my brother got sent to prison for something he didn't do. he didn't wear gloves,1,en
"If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep. That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning",1,en
"A hummingbird is a lot like a songbird, It just doesn't know the lyrics.",1,en
what did the frenchman yell on the roller coaster? yes !,0,en
"dating tip : girls like guys who takes control . pick up a horse and ask "" where should i put this horse? "" when she tells you , say no",1,en
what is the difference between a feminist studies major and a pizza? the pizza can feed a family of four .,1,en
Just threw out my one night stand. There were termites,1,en
"so my friend gave me half a pie threedots so i said, "" no that's one pi """,1,en
"I've Got a Surprise for you! says the excited girl friend. ""abort it"" he reply's.",0,en
They say god dosn't give people things they can't handle. Except cancer,0,en
"What do Tempurpedic mattresses and raptors have in common? ""They remember""",1,en
what do you call an insect with magical powers? a spelling bee .,1,en
"If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.",0,en
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.,0,en
"a man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide the librarian says, sorry it looks like the last person never brought it back .",1,en
Which actor is resting in pieces? Alan RIPman,0,en
What do you call the lowest fruit on a lime tree? Sublime,1,en
""" hey arnold schwarzenegger , what will you be for halloween? "" "" i'll be bach """,0,en
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean? He was really in a pickle.,0,en
my best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. what did i ever do to her ?,1,en
i've had insomnia so much it is starting to worry me. but i won't lose any sleep over it,0,en
This is the story of a gynecologist that became a millionaire. He had Parkinson's disease.,1,en
I hadn't heard any news about George Michael for nearly a year... And then Wham! Last Christmas.,0,en
"what's heavier , a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? a ton of feathers . because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds .",1,en
"So I looked this up on Yahoo. Just kidding, I used Google",0,en
So... I guess the main way to talk is by post?,0,en
what's the only mammal that can breathe under ice? an elephant hiding in your fridge,0,en
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family,1,en
"Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo",1,en
How can you tell when the stage is level? The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.,1,en
I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow,0,en
"Sadly, the man who invented the raffle has passed away. R.I.P Tom Bola",0,en
"Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.",1,en
Did you hear about the Candy Factory they opened on the East Coast? It closed after a month... they couldn't find any good wrappers.,0,en
I knew my doctor was going to diagnose me with kyphosis before he even said anything. I just had a hunch.,1,en
i've just found a mole on my shoulder. i don't know how he got out of the garden but he's cute,1,en
What Do You Call A Galloping Musician? Ludvig Van BeetHOOFen.,1,en
humpty dumpty had a great fall. his summer was ok,0,en
Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady,0,en
What do make a wish kids and younglings have in common? Anakin Skywalker,0,en
What is Anon's favorite coding language? Fortran,0,en
"just like jesus i can walk on water, if it's cold enough .",0,en
The Vancouver Canucks are kinda like me They always get beat.,1,en
I'm writing a story about a Pirate who sells corn. It's about a buccaneer,1,en
People say Kobe when they throw basketballs. God says Kobe when he throws helicopters.,1,en
I used to date an electrician but we had to break up. There was just no spark,0,en
"""How was your visit to that new therapist? "" ""Waste of time..."" ""...all he did was show me pictures of my parents fighting.""",0,en
"they say you are what you eat, but i don't remember eating a massive disappointment .",1,en
I've fallen in love with a fellow ventriloquist's doll. But she's already spoken for,1,en
"Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the ""Like"" button",1,en
"finally in toronto. winter olympics , here i come !",0,en
what's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside? an elephant disguised as a banana !,0,en
What do amputees and cricket have in common? Stumps,1,en
what's the best side of the house to build a deck on? the outside,1,en
"People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!",1,en
I told a joke at a funeral... No one laughed but one guy was dead.,0,en
i had a dream about a woman who becomes a horse at night. it was a nightmare,0,en
What do you call your grandma on speed dial? Instragram!,0,en
what's the snack that smiled back? Children,0,en
The waitress lost her leg in a car accident yesterday. Good thing she works at IHOP!,0,en
The mods are great!!! Said no one in existence,0,en
"a priest asks a rabbi , "" when are you going to finally try pork? "" the rabbi replies , "" at your wedding friend , """,1,en
"i used to be attention seeking, but look at me now !",0,en
"My mate went to a fancy dress party as a silent bee. ""Very subtle,"" I thought",1,en
"Have you heard the new hipster joke? Yea, I have it on vinyl.",0,en
What does a jew say in Summer its more hot than an oven Upvote this so mods get their sub full of normie content,1,en
After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me. As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now,0,en
What's the difference between old people and vegetables? I don't eat vegetables when my mom tells me to.,1,en
how do you make music by releasing fish? you drop the bass .,1,en
Have you heard of the orphan's parents? Me neither. ,0,en
My German wife has just had a Brazilian. It was a Klose shave,1,en
"so i looked this up on yahoo threedots just kidding, i used google .",0,en
"oh , your kid gets straight a's at school? that's cool . my son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse .",1,en
"My girlfriend seems convinced that she didn't want an abortion. I'm not so sure. Her blood, sweat, and tears went into it.",1,en
"before the internet, it was way harder to google stuff",0,en
What is a snakes favourite opera? Wriggletto !,0,en
Misery: Hello there! Company: I have a boyfriend...,0,en
"Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet? I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though...",0,en
What's the smartest cookie? Academia nut,0,en
Why do hipsters hate ice skating? They could never do it before it was cool,1,en
"wait , there's a big difference. did you say i look like the rock or did you say i look like a rock ?",0,en
q : what's the best way to keep milk from turning sour? a : leave it in the cow .,0,en
I used to like a girl in kindergarten that was last year,0,en
What do you call a group of people from Portugal? Portugeese,1,en
you know why i love hiking? it is all about the in tents action .,0,en
The latest research shows that. Research is pointless,1,en
what does 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for ?,1,en
What's a snake's favourite food? Hiss Cakes !,0,en
What do dildos and tofu have in common? They are both meat substitutes.,1,en
I'm glad you like my tiny candles! I really needed that votive confidence.,0,en
do you know why it was called the ' dark ages '? because of all the knights !,1,en
"interview boss : what could you bring to this company? me : well i guess i could bring my stereo , but i get to choose what we listen to .",1,en
What's the difference between a deer and a hitchhiker? i don't know I was going so fast,0,en
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread. It's a naan stick pan,1,en
Why did the pirate go to Ireland? he thought he was going to Arrrland.,0,en
I lent my grandfather clock to my friend...  He owes me big time...,0,en
"The American Dental Association recently awarded their ""Dentist of theYear"" award once again. But all it is is a little plaque",1,en
Did you hear why Clippy stopped posting on reddit? He got .docxed.,0,en
What do you call a green cow in a field? Invisibull.,1,en
why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order? because it broke down and he couldn't budget .,1,en
Are you familiar with Chomsky's work? Yeah I Noam.,0,en
What is The Rock going to name his Daughter? Pebbles!,0,en
Dark souls is a good game ... it is also very hard... haha auto mod. Gamer here.,0,en
War isn't about who is right... its about who's left...,0,en
Who is the bees favourite pop group? The bee gees !,0,en
"some people say i am crazy lucky for me, only i can hear them",1,en
"i was never good at french in school. just remembering how to say "" bread "" is le pain",1,en
"If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive? American comedy films.",1,en
"Today I learned to count in Taiwanese. TaiWan, TaiTwo, TaiThree",0,en
What do you call a dentist gunfighter? Clean Teathstwood.,1,en
I like my women how I like my spare tires... Stacked on top of each other and in my trunk.,0,en
Where did Susie go when her town got bombed? Everywhere.,0,en
"If you're paddling a canoe up a river and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None, because ice cream doesn't have bones.",1,en
if twenty dogs run after one cat what time is it? twenty after one .,0,en
"Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet",1,en
What kind of shoes does Jack Lew wear? Cashews.,1,en
"So what if I can't spell ""Armageddon"" I mean, it's not the end of the world.",1,en
"when a coworker tells everyone he proposed , i'm the guy that asks , "" so , what did she say? "" i'm funny that way .",1,en
q : what do you call a drummer in a three piece suit? a : the defendant .,0,en
What did the city say to its father before it left for Mexico? Ciudad,1,en
can i ask you a quick question? what is the quickest way to the front page,0,en
Where do people from Laos like to swim? In Laotian.,1,en
did you hear about the miners ' new album? i really dig it,1,en
What is Al Quida's average pizza order? Two Planes,1,en
from where did the sperm whale get it's name? ask your grandparents .,0,en
forgot to do laundry again. i bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress,1,en
Amazon Prime is seriously way better than Netflix. I love it almost as much as my Zune,0,en
What's believing in evolution? Apetheism,1,en
"I'm So Broke... I'm so Broke, I can't even pay attention",0,en
is google a woman? i can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions .,0,en
"i never could have made it to my sixth twitter anniversary without the support of my wife and kids, whatever their names are .",0,en
"Tattoo idea: One Jonas Brothers face on each thigh. What? There's three? Okay, and one right in the middle. How do you spell Kevin?",0,en
What do you call a person in a wheelchair that falls in a hot spring? Steam veggies,1,en
"yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality ?",0,en
What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat.,0,en
"I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying ""me too"" after she told me she had a boyfriend",1,en
what do you call a table with dots all over it? the periodic table !,1,en
fun fact: organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in .,1,en
"Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.",1,en
how did the blind kid burn the side of his face? he answered the iron,0,en
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side,0,en
"""Try try until you succeed"" Yeah. Nobody's gonna Mutilate you for trying.",0,en
why did bill gates get sick? because he left the windows open .,1,en
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.,1,en
"A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards. A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce",1,en
"Just picked up a Where's Waldo audiobook: ""Not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo""",0,en
"my girlfriend's been listening to a lot of books on tape lately. she's going to get very good at measuring , wrapping and recording things",1,en
"I was trying to chose a password for my email, but I was not able to. I had chosen BrazilianDefense, but apparently it was too weak",1,en
"My Animal Science dissertation ""Are Hippos Just Girl Rhinoceroses? "" met with a healthy dose of scientific skepticism WHICH I WELCOME.",1,en
My love life I have found that invisible girlfriends are the way to go. Because then you know no one else is seeing her,0,en
I'm not sure if I have constipation or diarrhoea. I'll find out by a process of elimination,1,en
"Kid from The Sixth Sense asked to comment on Game Of Thrones and he described it with one sentence. ""Icey dead people""",1,en
"what did god say after she made eve? "" practice makes perfect . """,1,en
what's the difference between a psychiatrist and his patients at the mental hospital? the patients are the ones that get better and get to go home .,1,en
My friend threw a pebble at me for not giving him the video game he wanted for Christmas. I just said 'Let he who is without sims throw the first stone',1,en
how are a frying pan and a beautiful woman similar? you have to get them both hot before you put the meat in .,0,en
me : let's go this way. shopping cart : no,0,en
What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear? Camembert!,0,en
"i gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble .",0,en
"behind every successful man , there is a woman. behind every dead man , there is chuck norris",0,en
"if two kkk members get in a fight threedots and someone else nearby gets hit, do they get caught in the cross fire ?",1,en
what does a dog from minnesota say? woof da .,0,en
"You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant, If it floats it's boy ant.",0,en
life hack: stare into your uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time .,0,en
Why did the athlete bring string to the game? In case he needed to tie the score.,1,en
I thought I'd repost an old joke. Oops wrong sub,0,en
"'Come over,' she begged. 'I need you right now! ' 'Just turn it off and on again,' he sighed. He hated these late night rebooty calls.",0,en
All my jokes are lost baggage. You'll get them in a couple days,1,en
How does a ghost open locked doors? With a Spoooooky,0,en
"i'd like to buy a new boomerang please. also , can you tell me how to throw the old one away ?",0,en
who won the animal race? the giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck but the aardvark won by a nose !,0,en
Probably he best advice you will ever receive. don't listen to any advice on the internet,0,en
"""Read 'em and weep"" I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent's handwritten love letters from WWII.",1,en
what did batman say when he went to the butcher? got ham,0,en
when is the speech therapy class? it's hard to say .,1,en
"a scientist couldn't understand "" what is marriage "" so he married, after it now he couldn't understand what is science .",1,en
I dreamt I had been hit by a car. Actually that was the nightmare. The dream was being hit by the truck.,0,en
"My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train. When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits",0,en
What do you call a crocodile in a band? A crocstar,1,en
What do you call a table which is organic? Vegetable ,1,en
did you hear about the worlds largest broom? it's really sweeping the nation,1,en
dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me .,0,en
"I saw your mother kicking a can down the street with one shoe. I asked her if she'd lost a shoe. ""Naw, found one""",0,en
why did the baby have such a poor time in the marathon? he was running a little behind,1,en
What did the starfish say when it realized that it lost it's ability to regenerate limbs? I can't remember.,1,en
"What will hit the ground first , SSR or a feather The Feather because the rope stopped SSR .",0,en
What goes well with a coronavirus? Lyme disease,1,en
why does batman think so highly about himself? bruce wayne .,1,en
"before you get into an argument with someone walk a mile in their shoes. that way , when the argument starts you'll be a mile away and have their shoes",1,en
Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.,0,en
Why did the cows cross the road? They wanted to go to the mooo....vies,0,en
"Im really good at pulling out, just ask my wife I don't have grandkids yet",0,en
"when people are singing happy birthday to me, i have no idea where to look .",1,en
"What has more water on top of it, The Titanic or a submarine? Houston",0,en
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs,1,en
What can you say about a mother who dropped her toddler? She miscarried.,1,en
What's a bounty hunter's favorite cheese? Fetta,0,en
have you heard the original version of stevie wonder's hit song? i just called to say threedots i found the phone,0,en
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.",0,en
"Felt bad about almost running over a handicap today But then I thought ""How much worse could it get for him anyway!"" ",1,en
"Sleeping with your girlfriend is like sleeping in a no camping zone. You want to get comfy, but you can't risk pitching a tent. Was bored",0,en
"this one time , a work colleague declared the avengers to be a better film than the dark knight. that was a busy day in hr , i can tell you",1,en
"A Poem: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave But let's not watch this new movie, The cinema's not safe.",0,en
They aren't making foot rulers any longer Why you ask? If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot,1,en
What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails? Snout about!,0,en
"What's the difference between a USB and the USA? One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a harware standard.",1,en
I see your childhood joke and raise you mine: What object crashes the most? A kaleidoscope!,0,en
Did you hear Cyan delayed the release of Obduction again? Apparently they myst some deadlines.,0,en
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don't wanna walk around doing grave math,1,en
How do you say bra in German? dashud sthapem from flappen,1,en
"dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot threedots i would tap that .",0,en
why did the horse run into the bar? he didn't jump high enough .,0,en
why are mosquitoes annoying? because they get under your skin .,1,en
What do you get when you mash up an avagadro? Guacamole.,0,en
What is the best thing about being a male nurse? Being in the same room as the unconscious women,1,en
What time did the shooting happen? Nine o Glock,0,en
What does a pediatrist do when you ask them which body part they find most interesting? They admit de feet.,1,en
why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? he wanted to run his fingers through his hair .,0,en
What do you do when your girlfriend tells she has STD? Act surprised ,0,en
"My boss asked me for a brief word. I said ""underpants? "" and we laughed and laughed and I'm clearing out my desk.",1,en
Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree? The University of Minnesoda,1,en
You wanna know how to intrigue someone? I'll tell you tomorrow.,0,en
"why does kylo ren have a hard time making friends? because for most of his life , he's ben solo .",0,en
vegetables what did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato? lettuce go,1,en
What do little kids and candy have in common? You get a lot on Halloween,0,en
"marry had a little lamb threedots marry had a little lamb , little lamb , little lamb. marry had a little lamb threedots the doctor was surprised",0,en
What is the difference between a dog and a child I don't have to take the child's consent.,0,en
What do women astronomers do? Wash the dishes.,1,en
"when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops",1,en
Q: What do you call a snail on a ship? A: A snailor.,0,en
""" mommy , why is my backpack so heavy? "" allahu akbar , honey .",0,en
If I'm ever in a coma unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that fixes the problem,0,en
"i do have a life outside of facebook, but i don't remember the password for it .",0,en
How do you order from a waitress with a black eye? Slowly because she obviously has a hard time listening.,1,en
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.,1,en
"there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people .",0,en
I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts. The plot was riveting,1,en
"before i eat chips, i have to look in the bag for a perfect one",1,en
Did you hear trees can't cum? They just leaf,1,en
"A man. A man tried to catch fog, he mist",0,en
the furniture store keeps calling me. all i wanted was one night stand threedots,0,en
"If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?",0,en
whats better than roses on a piano? tulips on an organ threedots,0,en
"Shortly before he died, my grandma covered my grandads back with lard... ...after that he went downhill fast",0,en
Whenever I'm watching paint dry I like to listen to James Bay. Just to really complete the experience,1,en
No means no Unless she is dyslexic.... Then it is ON!!!,0,en
The Scots are updating the perception of traditional Scottish fare. Oatmeal porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie,1,en
"Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief",1,en
How do you say virgin in German? Goodandtight,0,en
What's the most common order in a school cafeteria? Open fire,1,en
What's white and streaks across the sky at a thousand miles an hour? The coming of the Lord.,0,en
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he's not joe biden,0,en
"when i was single, my most frequently used approach with women was to play hard to get rid of .",1,en
"other than that ms. lincoln , how was the play ?",1,en
"a guy walks up to a girl in starbucks hey girl , how would you like to be my skinny vanilla latte? go light on the cream though , that's for later .",1,en
How Wonderful Did you hear the story of the man that had the great honor of being crushed by a steam roller? He was flattered,1,en
"sorry , just got your text. are we still on for last night ?",0,en
How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.,0,en
Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves,1,en
What are the worst vegetables? The ones that wake up,1,en
When are the hiest's coming out? THEY ARE NOT!,0,en
"What did iodine say to Xenon when caesium died? Well, I guess we better Barium.",1,en
jimmy how many more times must i tell you to come away from that cookie tin? no more mom . it's empty .,0,en
Q: How you can tell if a ghoul was in your fridge? A: It leaves footprints in the butter.,0,en
"so my japanese girlfriend dumped me the other day threedots threedots oh well, theres plenty more in the sea .",0,en
"So today I found out I have Alzheimer's disease. But on the bright side, at least I don't have Alzheimer's disease",1,en
"I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment",0,en
What do you call a depressed dog eating honeydew? A meloncollie,1,en
"I sell dyes at my dye shop but everyone is scared of me I only ask my customers ""Hey, wanna dye?""",1,en
This banker I know has absolutely no friends. I think he's loanly,1,en
what rabbit wears on his back while flying? eagle,1,en
what are the worst six years in a blonde's life? third grade !,0,en
I've seen so many Adam Sandler films. it's not even funny,1,en
i found a shop that sells clothing made of brick. it's a hardware store,1,en
"Thesaurus Club First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club",1,en
"q : what did one strawberry say to the other? a : "" look at the jam you've gotten us into ! """,0,en
how is a chicken like a grape? they're both purple except for the chicken .,1,en
How many Freemasons does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a secret!,0,en
"My teacher said that we cant see Atoms But i wondered to myself ""how come Hiroshima and Nagasaki saw it first hand?""",1,en
New theory: It's Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.,1,en
"if you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up .",1,en
"the smarter the person, the less they tell you about it .",1,en
Why are me and my dm's similar? We were both left hanging.,0,en
what do you call a person who is happy on a monday? unemployed .,1,en
"yesterday was kinda boring, i pretty much just hung around in my underwear all day threedots threedots got kicked out of quite a few businesses though .",0,en
Why can't Ganondorf go on the internet? There are too many Links.,0,en
Why did the stripper need more insurance? She had little to no coverage.,1,en
"Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns. It just goes all right, all right, all right",0,en
why didn't the sun go to college? because it already had a million degrees .,1,en
How do you cut a wave in half?  Use a sea saw.,0,en
What do you call a women who cant draw? Trace,0,en
"Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.",1,en
"i tried learning braille , but it was really tough. those bumps are hard to see",1,en
Two parrots were sitting on a perch One says to the other. Do you smell fish,1,en
i just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. i probably don't need to sleep anymore anyway,0,en
what's as big as a horse but weighs nothing? a horses shadow !,0,en
Can a ninja scale a wall in a single leap? Shuriken.,0,en
"what did yoda say to luke when he was constipated? try or try not , there is no do .",0,en
"IAmA dyslexic government computer programmer, AMA! Whoops, wrong usb.",0,en
what is batman's least favorite tv channel? the family channel .,0,en
"My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her",1,en
"""I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..."" ""You're a Doctor.""",0,en
Why is a racehorse like a letter? They both begin a trip at the post!,0,en
What's the difference between Avicii and the Bee Gees? Stayin' alive.,0,en
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.,0,en
"i'd never snoop through my girlfriend's phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password .",0,en
why aren't there any good jokes about the dark side? i dunno but there's a darth of them,1,en
How did the raisin have fun at the movies? It took a date....,0,en
"Wow honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Yeah! This catapult is pretty amazing. Go get our daughter!",0,en
"the less you know, the more you think you do .",0,en
Q: Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? A: Because of all the tellers.,0,en
"my daughter's been seeing someone called jim . only for an hour each time, always in sports gear and often sweaty afterwards . i don't approve",1,en
"Loved Inception. It took me to exotic places I could never visit in real life, like the first class cabin of an airplane",1,en
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps,1,en
"It's better to plagiarize from Encarta than from Wikipedia, because people actually read Wikipedia.",1,en
Everyone has been in the Navy at least once. We all started out as a seaman,1,en
what do you say to a woman with only one tooth? nice tooth .,1,en
"Q: How does a bear stop a DVD? A: It just presses the ""paws"" button.",0,en
When is the best time to buy budgies? When they're going cheap !,0,en
Love is a game where you try to balance an increasingly unstable structure before it crashes down. No wait nvm those are Jenga instructions,0,en
How do cows go from one town to another? they cowmmute.,1,en
People say Muslims are angry people I just say they have a short fuse,1,en
Serval Psychological Studies Show People are so Accustomed to Cat Humour on the Internet. That They Completely Miss Cat Puns in Thread Titles,1,en
"In his new book of poems, John Ashbery rhymes ""coagulate"" with ""indeed. "" It's like he's not even trying",1,en
I ate a vegetable. And she liked it so much she woke up,0,en
what would happen if all of the mass in the universe turned into energy? the universe would be light .,0,en
What is abortion? Little kid asks dad what's abortion Dad replies: Ask your sister Kid: But dad i don't have a sister Dad: That's what i'm talking about,1,en
"If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.",1,en
How do you get heaps of pikachu on to a bus? You pokemon,0,en
"daylight saving time ends today. so i have to remind myself , that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months",0,en
So did you guys hear about the weather in Gotham City? It's cloudy with a chance of Bane.,1,en
What do boats and the toddler in my basement have in common? They are both filled with seamen,1,en
I could never play Yahtzee with James Charles He always manages to take the straights,1,en
"What do you call ice cream that robs a bank? Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.",0,en
What do you call a Mesoamerican unicorn? Unimaize,1,en
What does the Redditor do every morning? Hit the snoos button.,0,en
Kanye West is opening up a breakfast restaurant. Omelette You Finish,0,en
"I wanted to be a hacker when I grew up. But when I realised how much upper body strength a lumberjack actually needs, my dreams were crushed.",1,en
"On The Walking Dead, Glenn said ""I will find you. "" I guess he's gonna keep an eye out for her",1,en
"You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall. is in love with me",0,en
why can't two blind people get along? they can't see eye to eye .,1,en
Two budgies sitting on a perch One says to the other: can you smell fish?,1,en
i like my jokes like i like my coffee. the same stuff seven times a day,0,en
Everything I Say. Literally every single thing I say is an ironic exaggeration,1,en
"When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.",0,en
"wizards of the coast: wizards of the coast , and this is where the magic happens .",0,en
"the butter churner asked the milk ""whats wrong. "" the milk responded ""im just a bit stirred up but ill be butter in a while""",1,en
what did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish? long time no sea .,1,en
What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed. Eunuchorn,1,en
What is the difference between ooh and aah? Just three inches.,0,en
just tell me which one is wrong! the user id or the password ?,0,en
What is a Jedi's favorite car company? Toyoda,0,en
Welcome to your forties. Your extreme sport is now standing up too fast,0,en
what is the difference between a call center job and a large pizza? a large pizza can feed a family of four .,1,en
What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? Widow.,1,en
How many hipsters does it take to...? ...Bazinga! nobody cares! you fell for one of my practical jokes again.,0,en
There was an old man from Peru. whose limericks all end on line two,0,en
What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin? A piccolo.,1,en
Why does Manny Pacquiao hate Spring so much? Because of May weather.,0,en
"How many good deeds do you need to be called a superhero? Because If it's one or less, I'm totally there.",1,en
"Should we call XXXTentacion, XTentacion now? Those other two X's are now over his eyes.",0,en
"Fact: it's impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You're all, ""Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!""",1,en
What was Jesus's least favorite bone? The blasfemur,1,en
"pete and repeat were sitting on a fence. pete fell off , who was left ?",0,en
A man in tights was found near a rock. What happened? Superman committed suicide.,0,en
til kurt cobain didn't have a license. he preferred riding shotgun,1,en
"what's tall , handsome and muscular? not you !",0,en
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper? Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV,1,en
productive procrastination: the act of keeping busy with things that don't need to be done .,1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amory ! Amory who? Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year !,0,en
"Before they built this Trader Joe's, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other's way",0,en
"I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage",1,en
What can break your blender when you're mixing vegetables ? The chairwheel.,0,en
"yes , it is. is time travel possible ?",0,en
did you hear pooh bear went gangsta? he doesn't even give a bother .,0,en
Best thing about being a hermit? No peer pressure.,1,en
"My ex was a true professional. she said ""you are fired"" when we broke up",1,en
What did the tiger say after he ate the comedian? I feel funny.,1,en
"if a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked ?",1,en
Have you heard who's playing the lead role in Hollywood's latest fairytale movie? China's GDP numbers.,1,en
when do elephants have eight feet? when there are two of them .,1,en
"To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds. Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods",0,en
why don't they have showers on airplanes? because of the towel ban .,1,en
"bill cosby's business card threedots sorry i missed you, i was in while you were out .",0,en
what do you call a bagel that can fly? a plain bagel .,1,en
"great minds don't think alike, great minds just think .",1,en
Has anyone said 'Julia Roberts makes me feel like I don't have enough teeth'? Because I'd like to say that.,1,en
What noise does a chicken's phone make?  Wing wing.,0,en
what is peter pan on death row? a frying pan,0,en
Whats the difference between german Franks and amsterdam Franks The german franks dont scream when you throw them in to an oven,1,en
"A: Do you miss your ex? B: Yes, everytime A: How are you going to fix that? B: More frequent target practice",1,en
"Sergeant: ""Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"" Private Smith: ""Thank you, Sir!""",0,en
what do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby? chess nuts boasting in an open foyer,1,en
so much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position. too bad lipstick doesn't work that way,1,en
last night i woke up in the middle of dreaming about the meaning of life. it was very eye opening,1,en
Lets just make a new subreddit? Without anymods? Anything goes.. Title,0,en
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move,0,en
"Ay dawg, can i get some ice cream? No you cannot. It is my ice cream.",0,en
what's the difference between tumblr and a gun? the gun has only one trigger,1,en
"I spotted a jaguar earlier today, Now it looks like a leopard.",0,en
"i always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because i know they would've enjoyed it .",1,en
"""Asphyxiate' would be worth like a million points. "" I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile",1,en
how can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine? by how fast it sinks .,1,en
I recently quit my job at a wind farm. It turns out i'm not a big fan,1,en
wanna hear a joke about iron? i'd tell you but there's a fe .,0,en
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?  Because their days are numbered.,1,en
Whats the difference between butter and a little girl? It's hard to spread butter when it's cold,0,en
Mariage is like deck of cards At first its like a diamond and heart. Then it turns into a club and spade,1,en
"I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal",0,en
every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently .,1,en
local news: box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb . i have to go to this town . i may be mistaken for megan fox .,0,en
What's Gandalf's favorite band? A Flock of Smeagols,1,en
what's the difference between a ginger and a brick? a brick gets laid .,0,en
What's a sea serpent's favourite meal? Fish and ships!,0,en
"Dear santa. Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer",0,en
What happens when the smog rises in Los Angeles...? . . . . UCLA.,1,en
i'm learning ancient history? so am i lets go for a walk and talk over old times !,0,en
"I was suspicious that big multinational chemical corporation was up to no good, but then I saw that green cartoon leaf in its logo. Whew!",0,en
"I found a good bread recipe where you don't have to get your hands messy from mixing it The bread was kneadless, to say",1,en
I think I might be a nihilist. not that it matters,1,en
I wonder if my vet's receptionist realizes...  how many people's passwords she knows.,0,en
i finally set up a new sky light in my apartment! i don't know why my upstairs neighbors are so furious though .,1,en
why did the geologist get divorced? he took his wife for granite .,1,en
I lost my dictionary today. I can't find the words to express my dissapointment,1,en
when shall we meet again? by miles apart,0,en
I can't tell what type of cars weebs prefer SubUwUs or ToyOwOtas?,0,en
have you guys seen the petrified forrest? those trees are scared !,0,en
"one guy says to another , "" i feel like a million bucks ! "" and the other guy says , "" me , too ! but how can we get it? "" title .",1,en
"how do you console someone with bad grammar skills? there , their , they're .",1,en
How do metal guitarists handle their expensive instruments? Very Djently.,1,en
I have a small pp but she found it quite big. No wonder why she's still in kindergarten.,1,en
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks,0,en
I was discussing a trip to Chernobyl with my friend. He said not to go there or else Chernobyl fall off,0,en
"life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating , do not go in that bathroom .",0,en
"Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it. Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.",0,en
"tifu was good, but the hole was too small .",0,en
What's a London teenager's favourite rock band? Black Stabbath.,1,en
"I ran over my wife yesterday I was devastated, but she was crushed",0,en
"what did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone? "" miss ewe ! """,0,en
Whats the difference between Cardi B and Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby makes good music.,0,en
"remember if you ever get mugged , don't yell "" help. "" yell , "" oh my god ! it's justin bieber ! """,0,en
Money is really tight this year. My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas,1,en
"What did Hellen Keller say when she walked by the fish market? ""Hello ladies""!",0,en
"My wife says I have two faults I don't listen, and something else",1,en
i would like to order a sandwich threedots oh wait. wrong sub,0,en
"Just took one of those ""Which Movie Character Are You? "" quizzes and found out I'm the plastic bag from American Beauty.",1,en
What's the difference between Males and Females? An iron.,1,en
"Like Captain Ahab, I have my own white whale. But I have no one else to blame, I'm the one who married her",0,en
What is the best name for an acrobat? Phillip,0,en
I have a question... Do you ya'll think human traffikers have Black Friday deals?,0,en
"mexican word of the day: chicken my wife wanted to get to the grocery store , but chicken go herself",1,en
What did David Bowie want for Christmas? Carrie Fisher.,0,en
"disabled toilets threedots ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in .",1,en
"I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.",0,en
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.,0,en
Who would be the first eliminated from a baking competition show featuring people from history? Sylvia Plath.,0,en
I reverse engineered a time machine. Eureka,0,en
I asked Mick Jagger to pick me up some swampy plants. But a Rolling Stone gathers no moss,1,en
"Who would you bring back for one final concert? Personally, I'd bring back Stephen Paddock. ",0,en
"the fish net can you tell me what fish net is made , ann? a lot of little holes tied together with strings . replied the little girl .",0,en
"to err is human, to arrr is pirate !",0,en
"i've discovered i own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number .",1,en
"You know, I always really liked Meatloaf I've never had any beef with him",0,en
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Batman? Batman Returns. ,0,en
what's the difference between australia and yogurt? culture,1,en
why don't nfl players wear glasses? because it's a contact sport .,1,en
A motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs : The Bikings,1,en
Friend told me he buffed up without any protein shakes. No whey,0,en
There's a blind woman drowning in the local park. That's the last time she'll ask me to help her find her dog.,0,en
what do australian chess players say when they're finished eating at a restaurant? check mate .,1,en
"A priest with a lisp offered to bring a roamin' Catholic to Paris. The Catholic, bread in hand, was not impressed",1,en
"Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said ""Satin"". Oops.",1,en
"I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.",1,en
"Koi Fish always travel in groups of four That's because while the A Koi, the B Koi and the C Koi escape. The predator will always go after the D Koi",1,en
the legend say: when a woman is giving birth almost can feel the pain of a man with the flu .,1,en
I like litte dogs But i can never eat a whole one.,0,en
"My friend keeps saying ""cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"" I hope he means well...",1,en
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea,1,en
Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep. I know but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite !,0,en
What do you call it when death comes for a child? Statutory reap,1,en
A couple of my friends tried to steal a statue last night. But it turned out to be a bust,1,en
"Did you hear about the pancake? One day he got so angry, he just flipped.",0,en
where can you find the best joke book in the world? the seattle seahawks play book . edit : sorry for the typo .,0,en
what should you do when a bull charges you? pay him,1,en
million dollar idea: a bathroom mirror that takes pictures .,0,en
You know how Disney used to have that show Shake it Up? I didn't know Cameron Boyce was on that show!,0,en
i once threw a fish off of the roof of my house. i guess you could say the bass dropped,1,en
Room of cookies My Anchesters asked me to give a cookie when i got in to my bedroom,0,en
"Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault",1,en
"What is potential energy's favourite season? Summer, because it comes before fall",1,en
"if i ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug .",0,en
what do you call a happy lassie? a jolly collie !,1,en
what does getting pregnant and locking your car keys in your car have in common? they can both be fixed with a coat hanger .,1,en
how to teach a cat how to bark? pour some gasoline on it and woof !,0,en
doctor doctor can i have second opinion? of course come back tomorrow !,0,en
So they made the essay optional for the new SAT test. but isn't the SAT without the essay just the T,1,en
Got the cheese sweats. Got the cheese sweats real bad,0,en
i don't get why my dad talks on a phone. he's so loud all he has to do is open the window and they can hear him,0,en
What did the captain of the alien mouse spaceship say when he met his first earth mouse? Take me to your Liederkranz.,0,en
My girlfriend told me to stop singing Oasis. I said maybe,1,en
what's the difference between a ginger and a brick? bricks get laid .,1,en
what language do bill boards use? sign language .,1,en
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest,1,en
what did descartes say while shopping online? i think therefore i amazon,0,en
How do you start a foot race in Ethiopia?  Roll a doughnut down the street.,1,en
"My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I'm the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.",1,en
I just joined Twitter; it's really easy to follow people. Too bad it cuts into my exercise,0,en
did you hear about that new space mosque? it's allah this world !,0,en
"I was reading myths the other day. The Russian one only said ""food""",1,en
What's Juice Wrld's favourite meal? chicken seizure salad.,0,en
"Dad: ""Don't you come back late midnight again... ...Otherwise you'll be coming back next year.""",0,en
Why did the film critic protest the new children's cemetery? He's not a fan of juvenile plots.,1,en
""" the doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks . "" "" and did he? "" "" yes i had to sell the car to pay the bill . """,0,en
"hmmm, tell me more about this "" victim "" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself .",0,en
why did the wizard ask a pretty chick to throw a heavy box on him? not just the hard on threedots it would've made him more flexible,1,en
what do you think of miles davis? he kind of blew,1,en
"my grandad fought in the war , he was posted to germany. he was missing in action for weeks , because the army couldn't afford recorded post",1,en
I wondered why the train was getting bigger. then it hit me,1,en
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues !,0,en
What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit? Try to neghostiate.,0,en
United Nations has a department which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants across the world. UNEEDCHEF.,1,en
where does the aardvark family always come first? in the phone book !,0,en
"What does a robot Ethiopian say when they are asked what they had for dinner? Error: Filename ""dinner"" not found",1,en
"a boy asks the teacher , "" what's infinity? "" teacher : "" think of a number . "" boy : "" ok , i've got one . "" teacher : "" good , that's not it ! """,1,en
I want to give my ex a great Valentines present to show him how much I still care. I think I'll go all out and buy him a Toyota,0,en
what do mathematicians get if they stare at the roots of negative numbers for too long? square eyes,1,en
"A pediatrician and funeral guy opened up a business together. The sign out front said ""Either way, you get your kid back""",1,en
I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?,0,en
What's a Norwegian's favourite car? A Fjord Fjesta,0,en
What do clouds wear under their pants? Thunderwear!,0,en
What's common between wind and my nephew? Both blows.,0,en
"Right now a group of women at a baby shower are simultaneously saying, ""Awwww. "" while some knocked up chick holds up a tiny pair of socks",1,en
I like my women how I like my blankets With downs,1,en
Doctor doctor I'm at death's door! Don't worry Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.,0,en
"on one hand , eating meat is bad for your body , bad for animals and bad for the earth. on the other hand , bacon",1,en
"If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.",1,en
"i can't decide what's scarier, someone scrolling through the pictures on my iphone or someone scrolling through my google search history .",0,en
What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola? At least Ebola will finish me off,1,en
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box. I'll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life,0,en
"I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this",1,en
"when a store plays pop music half the time and classic rock the other half, you know there's two people working there that hate each other .",0,en
"How much does wonton soup weigh? One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.",1,en
The only game I don't like is Jenga It's always stacked against you,0,en
What do you call an eye doctor living on an island in Alaska? An optical Aleutian.,1,en
why do beavers spend a fortune on the internet? they never want to log off .,1,en
What's the difference between a Jew and an element? An element can get out of its gas state,1,en
What flower loves to be in the sun? Sunflower.,0,en
"Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person. It does, however, make you sleepy",1,en
Why don't astronauts get hungry after being blasted into space? Because they've just had a big launch.,1,en
How do you test for pregnancy in Harlem? See if the tampon's cotton was picked.,1,en
Who needs the comment section? When you can edit your post to make comments.,0,en
I just had my wedding in the great state of Alabama... My sister looked amazing next to me at the alter,0,en
"If you're heartbroken, remember: There are plenty of fish in the sea. But I'd advise giving mankind another chance first",0,en
I just told my girlfriend that I was an Italian mite in a past life. I'm a Roman tick at heart,1,en
"A mother put her little daughter for twenty minutes under water. Not to cause her any troubles, just to see the funny bubbles.",1,en
"Where does the thick, creamy dressing go when it gets sick? The Mayo Clinic.",1,en
why weren't there many jokes in the dark ages? no one could perform the execution well enough .,1,en
I added princess diana to my xbox She spends all her time on the dashboard,0,en
"But seriously folks, what is Joe Walsh's best album?",1,en
"Looking for a male friend I am here seeking a male friend for some benefit with fun,",0,en
"Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing",1,en
Last night I thought I heard the spring onions singing Bee Gees songs in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was just the chives talking,1,en
"i just listened to the album ""The Palpable Leprosy of Pollution"", It really described my life in a nutshell.",1,en
i have insomnia. i have insomnia my doctor says it's very common and that i shouldn't lose any sleep over it,1,en
What do you call a philosophical priest? A deep friar,1,en
What is an ear of corn's favourite Leonardo DiCaprio movie? Inception,0,en
what dog rides a horse named macaroni? yankee poodle !,0,en
"Laughed hysterically and said ""Oh yes, please do"" after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him",1,en
"english if you ever have trouble remembering the difference between "" lead "" and "" lead "", just remember that "" lead "" sounds like "" read "" and "" lead "" sounds like "" read "" .",1,en
The GPA is not my son. But I will raise it,0,en
"Jesus can never take a bath, If he tries to step into the water he will stay on top of it.",0,en
"I've got a new dishwasher Fabricator wants me to call it ""girlfriend"" lmao",0,en
"two go through a tunnel , says the third to the fourth : "" i think we're five "". says the sixth : "" i don't get it """,1,en
"not ordering french fries counts as exercise, right ?",1,en
"Hey dude that invented the unicycle... Where were you wanting to go? then not go, then go, then not go, then get bored and juggle",0,en
"i have on my new shoes today. they are so cute , and comfortable , as long as i don't stand in them or walk in them",1,en
Chuck Norris. Walks up the elevator,0,en
It does it mean when a chemist falls in love? They found their sulfate,1,en
Sharks could be very gentle lovers. We don't know,1,en
"I've lost my boyfriend! He's in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.",0,en
"Did you ever hear about the guy who got both his left arm and left leg chewed off by bears? Yeah I saw him a few weeks ago, he's all right",0,en
why do people eat carrots to help their eyesight? they should be eating oranges because they have vitamin c . haha,1,en
"Why did Yoda need a stepladder in the chocolate shop? Because he was reaching for a galaxy far, far away.",0,en
"punchline wait, i probably wasn't supposed to put that in the title .",1,en
why did leonardo dicaprio visit sesame street? it was his only chance to see an oscar,0,en
How did the farmer feel after he ripped his clothing? Let's just say he felt overall sadness.,1,en
What was the resemblance between kids and Stephen hawkings wife? Both get told to eat their vegetables,1,en
They say that it's tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six past one present and no future.,1,en
Why was the Moon in a bad mood? It was just going through one of its phases.,0,en
A quadriplegic goes on a blind date. And he gets stood up,1,en
What is a Juanito? A little Juan,0,en
The future is now An electrical engineer invented a new kind of transistor that uses tapioca instead of silicon. He called it the boba FET,1,en
What do you call a handjob in chemistry? Strokeiometry,1,en
Abortion isnt murder It's just canceling a preorder,1,en
"Carl: ""It's chilly out."" Me: ""Tell me something I don't know."" ""Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials."" ""Fair enough, Carl.""",1,en
My dad used to change wheels on cars. Now he's retired.,1,en
Have you heard of the famous cow? He's legendairy,1,en
hey should we dry out these grapes? i don't see a raisin why not .,0,en
post? post and repost are on a bridge . post jumps off . who is left,0,en
how does a leopard change its spots? when it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another !,0,en
He was very careful during bondage sessions. He always used a safe word that contained upper and lower case letters and at least one number,1,en
TIL that Benjamin Franklin loved containers. It was frequently said that Ben was on a bin binge,1,en
"if you are reading this, you are not floyd mayweather .",0,en
I heard there planting trees in Detroit There really working on there public transportation ,1,en
In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table? Sir Cumference,1,en
Guess who I found hiding in my attic... Anne Frank,0,en
My wife tried to buy something online yesterday. Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive,1,en
Why didn't the patient sue the dentist for pulling the wrong tooth? Because it was accidental.,1,en
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!,0,en
You haven't built just a wall around you; you've constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.,0,en
I have a fridge at home I use it for food and dead bodies,1,en
Tomorrow I'm opening the time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how big my puppy got,0,en
If i dress up as a sea shell nobody can see me. It's my clamouflage,1,en
What do you call a timid person that uses Snapchat? A snapping turtle!,1,en
"'Dances with Wolves'. But it's just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark",1,en
q : what did the production manager give his kids for christmas? a : nothing . but he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one .,0,en
When is a train being polite at dinner time? When it choo's quietly.,0,en
Hear about the blonde explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.,0,en
My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip. I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one,1,en
When you need Advice everyone is ready to help. But when you need Help everyone only gives advice,0,en
My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front. Credit Evan Sayet,0,en
What did the veterinarian performing canine reproductive surgery say to the veterinarian with over productive saliva disorder? Spay it don't spray it.,1,en
What did the pirate greet the kids with at the school? An Arrrrrr,0,en
What do we want? A cure for Tourettes! When do we want it? dejbxwsishcuntbxwddhiqxbjsbjx,0,en
"i once lived with a canadian family for a year threedots they didn't want me to, but were too polite to ask me to leave !",0,en
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands; There are no canaries there either.,1,en
Oh you wear sunglasses inside? lt must be sunny on planet cool.,0,en
question: if a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong ?,1,en
What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him naturally.,1,en
"What is the phobia of ""getting married"" called? Common sense.",1,en
What kinda truck does Paulie Shore drive? A DiiieEEeESsssleeeeee,0,en
will i have an open casket at my funeral? remains to be seen .,1,en
"Best pun ...EVER Unfortunately I didn't go to the Gym today but the cashiers name at McDonald's was Jim .... So same thing, right??",1,en
"Yar, I wound up a toy car and put it down me pants. It's driving me nuts",0,en
i woke up this morning with chinese writing all over my bedroom walls. i couldn't understand it,1,en
Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship,1,en
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n' grind? Trevor in human resources.,0,en
Where did Ethan go during the bombing? Everywhere.,1,en
What do you call a Bohemian's passport? A Czechmark,1,en
"I rang up a pizza shop and asked ""do you deliver? "" they repiled ""no we do pizza"".",1,en
letting jesus in what do you call a man who let jesus come inside of him? gullible .,1,en
What's the difference between my daughter and a milk? i don't have a milk in the fridge.,1,en
I couldn't find you any new tampons. but I managed to pull a few strings,1,en
"Attention people with multiple people in your avi's: Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat. Thanks, The rest of us",0,en
"What did the pirate say with the steering wheel in his pants? Arrgh, it's driving me nuts!",0,en
I must be getting old. my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory,1,en
I'm breaking up with my girlfriend that uses Comic Sans. She's just not my type,1,en
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!,1,en
"What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.",1,en
"here's a post office joke nevermind, you'll probably never get it .",0,en
"I'm on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?",0,en
"i give new meaning to the word "" awesome. "" at least i did when i changed the wikipedia entry",1,en
"i sing like an amputee i can't hold a note, can't carry a tune threedots",0,en
"""so doc... am I dying? "" ""we're all dying, just at different speeds"" ""but what about me"" ""You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao""",0,en
THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU,0,en
My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!,0,en
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as the alter boy ,1,en
"What about ""BusinessMyspace""? Nah, it's taken. Okay, what about ""LinkedIn""",0,en
If you watch Cinderella backwards It's about a women who learns her place.,0,en
"When someone says we can do something ""weather permitting"" I remind them that weather's not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I'm not going",1,en
"Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there",1,en
"I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door. on a daily basis",1,en
"How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.",0,en
"There was a bad accident involving a funeral procession the other day. It was terrible! The toll was four injured, one dead.",0,en
What is the Dothraki font of choice? Kaleebri,0,en
What do you call a black on the moon?  The beginning of a solution.,1,en
"Every time I try to make a mental note, I end up tripping and falling along a neural pathway.",1,en
Paranoid? Nope. I'm just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.,1,en
out of my mind. back in five minutes,0,en
"Hey, thanks for defining the word ""many"" for me. It means a lot",1,en
having an argument between mac and pc is like watching two old men with alzheimer's fight. eventually they both break down and lose their memory,1,en
"i was bored at work yesterday , so i gave a colleague a clock and told him to give it to someone else. i had to do something to pass the time",1,en
What happened to the plan of starting a book club? It got shelved.,0,en
"instead of chasing after taylor swift, i'm just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so i'm all that's left .",0,en
"Is Ebola a virus or a country? Neither, it's the whole continent of Africa.",1,en
"Sorry for shouting ""go go gadget personality"" while you were speaking. Please, continue",0,en
What do you call the Irish guy who always brings flan to the potluck? Shaun O'flanagan,1,en
what do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney? an offer you can't understand .,1,en
They say Michael Jackson was the King of Pop I see him as a world class Fiddler ,1,en
Have you heard the one about the untouched coal pit? Never mined.,1,en
What's the difference between a hammock and a Fortnight player. One is a tied seat pod The other eats tide pods ,1,en
"Some apples don't fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling...and rolling...and rolling..",1,en
What's a girl's favorite candy? Complimints.,0,en
"have you heard this one before? yes , twelve posts ago",0,en
Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience. You really get in touch with your inner self,1,en
"Roses are red, Violets are blue  Geh in die Kammer Du ekelhafter Jude ",0,en
What did Helen Keller say when she answered the phone? Ouch because she used the iron,1,en
Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around,1,en
i don't speak french but i know a little german. he's sitting over there,1,en
"If I had a nickel for everytime someone said ""If I had a nickel for. "", I'd ask people to say that a lot",1,en
what do the walking dead and the fast and furious series have in common? they both have dead walkers .,1,en
"doctor : you need a kidney transplant . me : a transplant? dr : don't worry , i've never lost a patient . i know where each one is buried . me :",0,en
"a kitchen knife and a spoon had a race . who won? neither , it ended in a drawer .",0,en
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather.,1,en
Do you know the thing about carpets? They demand to be felt.,1,en
"Zoo... I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage. A sign read: ""Bread in captivity.""",1,en
"nuance is cancelled. ur either good or bad. if ur good but then u say something bad, then ur bad now n therefore cancelled",0,en
What did the website say to the Google bot after their breakup? I knew you'd come crawling back to me someday.,0,en
My wallet was stolen today. this is the first time I've been sad after losing five pounds,1,en
What did the tomato say to the cheese in court? I rest my queso.,1,en
Imagine me in bed. Wrong. Wetter. Wrong again. Wetter. Wrong AGAIN! Soaking wet. This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix,0,en
what is the scariest part of a cavity search? when they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching,1,en
"I used to be a race car driver, and won a lot of races by spinning out the opponents. I guess you could say I have a checkered past.",0,en
Why don't women get hit by trains? There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.,1,en
"wanted to get a ham sandwich , but ended up with a cheese one by mistake. oops , wrong sub",0,en
It's been three weeks since I put superglue on my friend's pen. But he still can't let it go,0,en
which side of a chicken has more feathers? the outside,1,en
what's the difference between friends and potatoes? potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water .,1,en
what do you call a ghost at midnight? a sheet in the dark !,0,en
What is the most honest vegetable? Beetruet,0,en
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high? ME: Your guess is as good as mine I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans M: Ok I take that back,0,en
What do people do when they fail to join Born Again Christians? Try Again,0,en
"In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.",1,en
"Did you hear about Greyhound's new slogan? ""Where you be headed?""",1,en
Know what you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.,1,en
What do you call an elf who lost all his toys? Legolas,1,en
been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don't. so i made her a mixed signal tape,0,en
"how do you know that a elephant's been in the fridge? there are foot prints in the butter . """,0,en
what did one train track say to the opposite track? wanna race,0,en
You can say whatever about school shootings But at the end of the day they wasted more ammunition than expected,1,en
I've fallen in love with the internet. It was love at first site,0,en
"hey girl , did you fall from heaven? because it looks like you landed on your face .",0,en
what food can tell you if a girl is pregnant? chickpea,1,en
i gave up cross country skiing. ever since it's all been downhill,1,en
"I tried being a barber for a while but I just couldn't cut it. Bonus joke: Had to buy a stepladder the other day, I never knew my real ladder",0,en
I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk,0,en
Why did it take so long for the postie to deliver the missing jigsaw piece? He had a bit of a puzzle in his hands,1,en
what's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? please let me know threedots i have a terrible sense of humor !,0,en
lpt: a quick way to find out if you're allergic to nuts eat nuts .,0,en
"Obviously, Mario Kart is not a documentary. It's a dramatization of real events",1,en
Did you hear about the shoe store that was looted during the Ferguson riots? They took all the sneakers in the store but left all the work boots.,1,en
Went to a cinema in Kenya. I thought i was alone until a funny bit. ,1,en
"i only have facebook to keep track of where everyone i know is going to be, so i don't show up there .",0,en
The best thing about being deaf. The best thing about being deaf is that all genres of music sounds fantastic!,1,en
"Permanently blinded people of Reddit, what is your favourite movie?",0,en
fun : text friend are you alone right now? they go yes . then u text back lol,0,en
Why would you chase a waterfall? They don't move to different spots you know. It's pretty much just right there.,1,en
how often do scientists check the element table? periodically threedots,1,en
"If a snowman is a body of water, then a fireman is a body of fire, and then a rocketman is a body of rocket, finally an ironman is a body of iron.",1,en
Whenever i am lonely or depressed my piano makes me feel better. Its an appreciating asset,1,en
what's the most ' spoken ' language on earth? hint : it's not english spanish .,1,en
Who do you call when a sleepwalker injures himself? The somnambulance.,1,en
People say women don't belong on the battlefield... But I disagree... they are outstanding mine detectors.,1,en
What is it called when Batman abandons Gotham city? Christian Bale.,0,en
why couldn't the guy with insomnia have an affair with anyone's wife? because he couldn't sleep with anyone .,0,en
"coffee so strong, it still works even though you've disabled java .",0,en
My sister is moaning and screaming because she's sick. Good thing that her boyfriend is there to comfort her,1,en
"kentucky fried chicken has introduced the new hillary bucket. two large thighs , two small breasts and two left wings",1,en
"Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.",1,en
i'm a chemical engineer and i have some good chemistry jokes. threedots but i never get a good reaction,0,en
santa claus has the right idea. visit people once a year,0,en
"patient : "" how much longer do i have doc ? doctor : "" ten. "" patient : "" ten what ? "" doctor : "" nine threedots """,1,en
what kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow? reality,1,en
how do you fix a woman's watch? you don't . there is a clock on the oven .,0,en
where was matthew mcconaughey headed in those lincoln commercials? dunno but i'm sure he made all rights all rights all rights .,0,en
What goes 'peck bang peck bang peck bang'? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !,0,en
"capital letters threedots threedots the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove polish .",1,en
Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house? It swept with his girlfriend :P,0,en
"After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.",1,en
"somewhere in russia , a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. it was the greatest moment of his life",0,en
I'd really love to study Philosophy. But I Kant,1,en
you know what i don't get? jobs .,0,en
Modern technology is making young men so lazy ! Back when I was a boy at school I had to reload after every shot when shooting!,1,en
"my favourite haiku space is limited in a haiku, so it's hard to finish what you",0,en
"i've recently taken up a class in french self defense threedots it's exhausting, i've never ran so far !",0,en
"Thinking of getting a government grant to study. Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down",1,en
What did Orville say when Keith Harris died? Nothing.,0,en
I can sneak in an Uptown Funk reference here. Don't believe me? Just watch.,0,en
What was the last thing to go through Paul walkers head? Probably bits of dashboard.,0,en
its the last day of the year threedots just felt i should thank everyone who made me smile this year. you are one of them so here's a big thank you,0,en
"why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet ?",0,en
the cops arrested my phone yesterday. they charged it with battery,1,en
"real person : do you have twitter? i'll follow you ! me : nope , sorry . don't have a phone or a computer . or a microwave . hard times and all threedots",0,en
"What do you say to an art student with a job? ""Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese""",1,en
"Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can't part with them Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted? Me: Um no, just holding hands",0,en
How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married? There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.,1,en
"I'm working on a book for dyslexics right now. It's incredibly difficult, cause I'm doing it all in palindromes",1,en
i heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. then i realized i hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot,1,en
Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh?,1,en
How did the man drown in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled him in.,0,en
'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail.,0,en
Why did I rob the bank? For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.,0,en
"Last summer my kat died But I did not have any picture to put on the grave, so I baried only a half of the body",1,en
How did the blonde die ice fishing?  She was hit by the zamboni.,1,en
i forgot my brother's birthday last month . what did he say? rick : nothing yet .,0,en
I Wanted To Buy A Samsung Galaxy. But they only come in Fire Red,0,en
There is only one serious thing I like about Jewish Serial number,1,en
What do cow pastures smell like? Dairy air,1,en
what do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat? a crashing bore .,0,en
I like my logic like I like my logic. Circular,1,en
"why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? it's like , dude , he's the sun . they make sunglasses because of him .",1,en
How can you tell if the food is done cooking? When it stops crying.,1,en
"wife just changed her facebook status to "" it's complicated. "" better go see what she wants",0,en
How do you call Kanye West's pizza? Cheezy Jeezy.,0,en
What are the things that start working properly once you strike them? Tv remotes and women,1,en
you know what they say about beetroot. you can beat an egg but you can't beet a root,0,en
How do you make endocrine? Endocrine is not a hormone.,1,en
"why did the canadian dj turn down a gig at a local gym? because why mc , eh",1,en
I had to unplug my mom's life support today. She always told me to finish my vegetables,1,en
Why are there no suicide books on librarys? because those who take them never bring them back.,0,en
Opening a store called The Gorp! It's exactly like The Gap except we sell gravy.,1,en
There was a failed art theft today. the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh,1,en
Why did the sun wear sunglasses? To protect himself from UV Rays,1,en
Apparently there were rumors that Princess Diana and Prince Charles were going to get back together Well that idea's out the window.,0,en
I put as much effort into life. As the guy who named the sleeping bag,0,en
how long do owls live? six and a half books .,1,en
"On Monday nights, I give my plants the pleasure of a striptease show by watering them with ice cubes.",1,en
"ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian? threedots it's okay , you probably wouldn't have liked it , anyway .",0,en
Why did Dory warn Nemo about escaping through the toilet? Because it was a sewer side mission!,0,en
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer? He was consumed by his own pride!,0,en
My roommate is blind Luckily for me he still doesn't know about the paychecks he gets every month.,1,en
You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect,0,en
can walmart be a feeling? i think that's how i feel today .,0,en
"marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. no matter what you say , you're still wrong",1,en
my dictionary got into an argument with my thesaurus. they had words,1,en
"I know Stan Lee loves making unexpected cameos, but I was pretty surprised to find him in my shower this morning SDCC",0,en
What do Taylor Swift and Avada Kedavra have in common? They'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar.,0,en
How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning. ,0,en
"Why do orthodox rabbis like lemonade so much? Because, it's acidic juice.",1,en
"What did Blake Edwards say when asked if he had a roomate? Yes, I have a rhuuuum, mate!",0,en
Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels. Because it's boring,1,en
Raj Koothrappali met Justin Bieber. Unfortunately he couldn't speak with him,0,en
"My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn't matter to anyone else.",1,en
"Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.",1,en
"When couples tell me they're taking their relationship to the next level, I just assume they're gonna start throwing cutlery at each other.",1,en
"i wanna get rid of this memory foam mattress, but it knows too much .",0,en
"I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!",0,en
the scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. but she has already changed her mind,1,en
Q: Did you hear the one about the fruit on trial? A: It was judged by a jury of his pears.,0,en
what's the biggest sign she's just not into you? a restraining order .,0,en
What's a boxer's favorite part of a joke? The punchline,1,en
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents? Santa Paws !,0,en
Did you hear about the Navy hangar that doubles as a church? It's a house of warship,1,en
q : what is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? a : you tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard .,0,en
My birthday is coming up.I just want one birthday gift. Child support from my dad.,0,en
i attached all of my watches together to make a belt. it was a waist of time,1,en
My family just adopted a little Jewish kid He looks so cute sleeping in the oven.,1,en
Why did Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond never get a divorce? She didn't want an ex Ray Edit: I meant debra,0,en
What did the fast food employee do when he decided to quit? He chicken tendered his resignation.,1,en
want to hear a NBA joke? Kyrie Irving starting in the all star game,1,en
"What good is a space heater, it's cold here on Earth.",0,en
What's a pilots favourite artist? David Boeing.,0,en
I was told women weren't objects by some people But I'm pretty sure dishwashers are objects,1,en
why doesn't the sun need to go to university? he's too bright .,0,en
My son told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo... So I had to put my foot down...,0,en
"She said I'm 'barely tolerable, ' which means there's still a chance",0,en
What do you call black vegetables? Collard greens,1,en
Someone asked me why I moved to Florida I told them I threw a dart at a map and it hit my gun case.,1,en
eyebro What did one eyebrow say to the other eyebrow when leaving? Eyebro. I will see myself out.,0,en
What does Snoop Dogg say to his baby? Kushie kushie koo,0,en
"what is apple's favorite song? "" hit the road jack """,1,en
do you have a girlfriend dude ? friend : yeah dude! me : where is she from ? friend : from a different nation . me : oh really ? which country ? friend : from imagination .,0,en
i know right from wrong. wrong is the fun one,0,en
"Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost",0,en
"What did the DNA say to the mRNA? ""I'm better without U.""",1,en
"""Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed"", reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant",1,en
I hate going to the dentist. He always reminds me about my floss.,1,en
what do hurricane matthew and kim kardashian have in common? they'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on tv,1,en
Zombies What is a zombies' favorite food? Brains. What is a dyslexic zombies' favorite food? Brians,0,en
Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men. It has the same centerfold every month!,1,en
me : i heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say . her : a vocabulary? me : a what,1,en
Blue Collar Work Where does the blue collar chicken work? The Eggplant.,1,en
i just saw some guy chatting up a cheetah. he's trying to pull a fast one,1,en
A friend of mine told me he hated Smash Mouth. I told him he might as well be walkin' on the sun,0,en
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again,1,en
What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house? They're both used to store nuts.,1,en
Why did the Ottoman empire collapse? Once your stack of Ottomans gets to a certain height it will fall over.,0,en
"i bought a fan today threedots it blows, man .",0,en
"after buying toilet paper at walgreens , the cashier said , "" you'll need your receipt. "" i don't think i've ever been this scared in my life threedots",0,en
What do they call an extra large bottle of lube in Alabama? Family size,1,en
How far can a one legged fox run? Halfway across Canada,1,en
how can you tell an old person from a young person? an old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time .,1,en
Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!,1,en
just ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon. will keep you posted,0,en
My son died due to a lack of exercise. He didn't run when the lorry was coming.,0,en
"when they were saying "" we will find a good home for him "" i thought they were talking about the dog, i didn't know they were talking about me !",1,en
some people feel the rain. others just get wet,0,en
what do you call three rabbits hopping backwards? a receding hare line .,1,en
What do you get when you mix Spongebob with Clint Eastwood Dirty Squarey,1,en
"parkinson's my friend asked me the other day if i had any advice for dealing with parkinson's, apparently ' just shake it off ' wasn't the right answer .",1,en
Temperature The only difference between a hot tub full of people and a pot of soup. ,0,en
what do you do when a woman serves you bad sushi? sue she,0,en
what makes for a good first date? not movies,0,en
Fun fact: All of the seasons were named after coils of metal. Except for summer and winter. And fall.,1,en
"If a giant capture you and me and made a smoothie out of us, what would it taste like? It would taste like ""just us"".",1,en
Why was the tank top more gangster than the tube top? The tube top was strapless.,1,en
"Larry Page's note to himself when wife mentions she wants motorola, she means phone.",0,en
"Whats a trilby clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?",1,en
what do you call a nun that works for your company? nun of your business .,1,en
If the star of Anchorman asks the singer of 'Happy' to star in his next film. Will Pharrell say yes,1,en
did you know the moon was made of cheese? thats why nasa sent up a bunch of crackers .,0,en
"I Was in a restaurant last night and asked the waiter if I could see the specials. Anyway, they were in the kitchen playing Ghost Town.",1,en
"Reading's great. You stare at stained slices of tree for hours on end, hallucinating vividly as time passes you by",0,en
Who is the biggest singer right now? Ariana Grande,0,en
"Ever read the book ""A Race To The Bathroom""? by Willie Makeit and Betty Wont.",0,en
Hey Tyrone Can I have my bike back,0,en
Why didn't the bathtub eat any food? because she was full!,0,en
"TIL Calaway's Law states that ""the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer. "" Now we wait",1,en
How do they educate locomotive drivers? They train them,1,en
Hippity Hoppity Women is a property,1,en
i just ended a five year relationship. i feel like maybe that arguing couple at the store was none of my business,1,en
what goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water? an egg in a duck .,0,en
these racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops. you'd think they would have went before the race,1,en
went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread. the birds were all over me,1,en
"me : "" i came to twitter to be creative and express myself. "" twitter : lol , you said "" came """,1,en
a man walks into a bar. he lost the limbo competition,1,en
I couldn't figure out what happens when you mix water and salt. But then I found the solution,1,en
i'm going to make a comedy about plumbers. it's going to be called snakes in a drain,1,en
"what does the sun and cleavage have in common? you can look at both for a second , but if want to stare you need to wear sunglasses .",1,en
what's pink and hard? the financial times crossword puzzle,0,en
"My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.",1,en
"do you know how to spot a clickbait? if you're reading this , you don't .",0,en
Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night? Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough,1,en
"Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds",1,en
Mirror Mirror on the Wall. What is my focal point,1,en
What tastes good but doesn't smell good? A tongue. Hehe,0,en
how do you catch a rabbit? hide in a field and make carrot noises,0,en
"Mr. Tripler, your U.S. Patent request for ""YO I WANNA PATENT MY NEIGHBORS CAT MORPHEUS SO HE MINE NOW"" has been declined.",0,en
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought.,0,en
"""More people are killed by toasters than sharks"". So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you're in big trouble",1,en
What's the opposite of Above Me? Below Me.,0,en
Why don't the citizens of Boston build igloos? Meh. They just aren't in' uit.,0,en
"Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected. ""Why's that? "" Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.",1,en
"I'm more of a leader than a follower, unless you're wearing yoga pants.",1,en
do you like raisin cookies? threedots then why don't you adopt one,0,en
"i'm so old i remember when teens getting pregnant meant "" panic ! "" not "" congratulations, you get your own mtv show ! """,1,en
how did the truck get his girlfriend? pickup lines,1,en
What fruit do Romeo and Juliet eat? Cantelope,0,en
Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers fight for nicest person ever. Who wins? They both share the trophy,0,en
What is Superman's greatest weakness? A bucking horse.,0,en
What's common between fear of covid and Kobe's helicopter? High in the start but fell down pretty quickly,0,en
What is the muslim's favorite band? Twenty One Pilots,0,en
Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen,1,en
What is it called when one blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer,1,en
"Relationship status: outside my wife's window, holding John Cusack over my head.",1,en
the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? there was no chemistry .,1,en
What did the collage artist say to her assistant? Looks like I got my work cut out for me.,1,en
"Nate: ""Hey what's the weather like out there? "" Kate: ""I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears.""",0,en
God: why don't we text anymore? Me: you know why God: I can't just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That's not how it works Me: k,0,en
You know Santa came when. There's more milk in the glass than when you left it,0,en
"A little known fact: Japanese casinos were mainly designed to attract Chinese tourists Not surprising considering they named a game, ""Pachinko""",1,en
"i don't know whats more awkward. answering dora , or sitting in silence as she stares at you",0,en
What is a frog's favorite dance? The Lindy Hop.,0,en
"Lady Doritos are a lot quieter, especially after you piss them off. then they really give you the silent treatment",1,en
"If you're having a bad day , just remember. All of you are funnier than Dane Cook",0,en
feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. any of you guys need an accountant ?,1,en
"A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can't get out of a hammock",1,en
Who is the scientist's favorite zombie? The schrodinger cat.,0,en
Don't know if this is original or not but... What is the top selling fruit in the world? Clay Aiken.,0,en
What do you get when you cross a highway with an armadillo? About halfway across.,1,en
what's the main use for leather in the world? holding cows together edit : it doesn't work if you apply too much logic . just enjoy the joke,0,en
what do you call a fly without any wings? a walk,1,en
Hippity Hoppity Hiroshima Nagasaki ,1,en
I am eternally grateful to whoever donated organs for my surgery. I'll always hold a little piece of them close to my heart,1,en
i'm basically switzerland. i'm cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty,0,en
i was addicted to hokey pokey. but i turned myself around,0,en
I put a ruler under my bed every night. so that I can measure how long I slept for,1,en
what do russian women get from their husbands that's long and hard on their wedding night? his last name .,0,en
I got in trouble with my date for not opening the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface,1,en
"If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...  Then plug me back in, see if that works. ",0,en
Why are forests so creepy? Because the trees are all shady. ,1,en
"i love women, especially the radical feminist types because it is more fun to put them in their place .",1,en
"Cliffhangers I like cliffhangers, and I cannot",1,en
"Hitler did nothing wrong. with his art, in my opinion",1,en
What's the difference between a tsunami and a bear? A tsunami doesn't care that you are faster than your buddy.,0,en
A man like me is hard to find. I trim maze hedges,0,en
What the the electrician say to his buddy? Watts up,1,en
how do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the schrodinger's cat paradox? by thinking outside the box,0,en
What happens when you zip up a lion? It rars,0,en
why did the kid put his clock in the oven. he wanted to have a hot time,1,en
Why did the thief take a bath? To get a clean getaway,0,en
What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.,1,en
"See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They're real prose.",1,en
"I'm so antisocial, i won't even meet my potential.",0,en
The Ever Given has a sister ship. It's powered by an electric motor. It's called the Ever Ready.,1,en
what do you call somebody who is content being average sized? a happy medium .,1,en
I didn't really enjoy my first kiss Because I forgot to take the duct tape off ,1,en
"A biology student kidnapped and murdered a woman He got away with it, and now spends a semester studying a broad.",1,en
"Do you why I never excel during a meeting? Because I use powerpoint for my presentation, of course.",1,en
"What's the difference between a cook being yelled at by gordon ramsey and a heretic? One burns steaks, the otehr gets burned at the stakes.",1,en
My mind is exceptionally quiet. I'm suspicious that I'm up to something i dont want myself to know about,0,en
I was given a load of plasticine for Christmas. I'm not sure what to make of it,1,en
Why wouldn't blastoise share with charizard? He was a shellfish pokemon.,0,en
I bought a new boomerang. but I couldn't throw away my old one,0,en
Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual. I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination. ,1,en
What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa? Some people actually believe santa exist.,0,en
"GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends! ANTS: Hooray! ANGEL: Ok next creation ... The anteater. ANTS: The what now?",0,en
How come Django's wife never hears Django coming? The D is silent.,0,en
"I was sitting at my desk, trying to think of a double entendre... ...but it got really hard.",0,en
"i'll always remember the wise advice the bishop gave me you can take the boy out of church, but you can't take the priest out of the boy .",0,en
It's scary living in Massachusetts. Every time I watch the news I hear about Mass shootings,1,en
my mother doesn't believe the dough will rise in the oven. she'll believe when she sees the proof,1,en
Q: What do you call a pickle that draws? A: A dillustrator.,0,en
Loltard: Someone who uses 'lol' too much.,1,en
"worst job who has the worst job at a strip club? the bouncer , he has to work hard all night .",1,en
"i started a band with my dog . he barks while i eat cheetos . it's indie, you wouldn't get it .",1,en
What do you call a urinary tract infection caused in a virgin? Immaculate Infection,1,en
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf? One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie !,0,en
what's the difference between an egg and a root? you can beat a good egg,1,en
What did Tennessee. The same thing Arkansas,1,en
did you guys know that water can talk? water you talking about,1,en
Kurt Cobain was cool and all But the end of his life was shotty,1,en
What do you call two cups of cheese on your omelet? A good start.,1,en
doctor doctor i'm having difficulty sleeping . doctor: well maybe it's your bed . oh i'm all right at night it's in the day i have problems .,0,en
you know what makes me smile? facial muscles .,0,en
Only children with psychic powers will get this one Sunstroke,0,en
What do you get when Philip Glass breaks? John Cage.,0,en
How do you know a vocalist is at your door? She can't find the key and doesn't know where to come in.,0,en
What's Captain America's shield made out of? What's Captain America's shield made of? Vibranium. What's Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver,0,en
"why is phoenix such a great lawyer? because he's "" wright "" all the time .",1,en
What's the difference between me and my garden? My dad never deflowered the garden.,0,en
Took me forever to find this chronology book. It's about time,0,en
Q: What did the candle say when he was down on his luck? A: I'm at wick's end.,0,en
"I just tweeted from a desktop computer, just like our ancestors used to",0,en
"a science graduate asks the question why ? an engineering graduate asks the question how ? an arts graduate asks, "" would you like fries with that ? """,1,en
What is the sexiest type of dolphin? A striped tease dolphin.,1,en
It's hard find a joke that doesn't offend people these days Just like food in Africa,1,en
what do cows get when they are sick? hay fever,1,en
How did the dollar bill feel when his change started disappearing? Coincerned,0,en
What do bed detectives solve? Pillow cases,1,en
Did you know most women are left handed? Not many of them have rights.,1,en
Why didn't Bungie stick with Halo? Because it wasn't their Destiny.,0,en
"A guy gans into the butcher's... ... and says ""Gie us a steak and kidley pie."" So the butcher laughs and goes ""You just said kidley."" And the goes ""Naw, I didley.""",1,en
"what did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother? look , ma ! no hands !",0,en
What is Ben Dover's favourite position? ANALyst,0,en
"Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential",0,en
What language do cats speak? Catonese,1,en
i feel like putting on a shirt with a huge dot and going trick or treating the day after halloween to scare people. cause then i'd be a late period,0,en
Why do computers only come in black? Because they have a motherboard.,1,en
"what's the most capable element? tin , because tin can .",1,en
How are farts and Ancient Egypt similar? They both have a Tutankhamun.,1,en
someone outside the grocery store asked me if i had a few seconds to save the environment. i feel like it would take longer than that threedots,0,en
Which day is the most agreeable? Yesterday,0,en
"What did Ancient Romans yell on the golf course? ""IV!""",1,en
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher? A.It's cloged up with paper plates.,0,en
"what happens once a minute , twice a moment , but never in an eternity? the letter m",0,en
The current law system is like bleach It works great on whites. but destroys colors,1,en
Why is africa happy Because coronavirus spreads through water,1,en
I had a pun about insanity... ...but then I lost it.,0,en
Guess who woke up with thirty missed calls from his ex. My ex.,0,en
"What did one dehydrated French guy say to the other? What do we do now, Pierre",0,en
"What did the slab of meat say when it was covered in salt and left out to dry? ""I'm cured!""",1,en
what is another word for the brain Target practice,1,en
What do you do on your first day of school? Hide behind furniture and only move when your classmates are reloading,1,en
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though because...  I know where to draw the line!,0,en
"There's no ""u"" in awesome. But there's always ""me""",1,en
"roses are red , except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. those are different colors",1,en
What is a skeletons favorite tool? A bonesaw,1,en
why did the child have two black eyes? because telling them once wasn't enough .,1,en
Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?,0,en
what do you get when you cross a jedi with a nun? a force of habit,1,en
i took off my bra and chips fell out. plot twist i haven't been eating chips,0,en
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter.,0,en
"What's the similarity between cars and children? They both get ""trafficked""",1,en
How do you say the name Ray in Jamaican? Raymond,0,en
Did you know there is going to be a sequel to Lala Land? It's going to be called Poland,1,en
at what time does sean connery like to watch the williams sisters play? tennish .,1,en
humor: the only thing i like dry .,1,en
h : do you like carpet or prefer it bare? m : i'm ok with a little carpet of she shaves the rest h : we're talking about floors m : hr again,1,en
"my chemistry always told me ""if you're not part of the solution. then you're part of the precipitate""",1,en
My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain,1,en
the dog from air bud is in a new movie helping deaf kids play sports. it's called ear bud,1,en
The welsh are making a remake of a popular Nicolas Cage film. Goat rider,1,en
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback,1,en
my grandfather was an amazing painter. he had a great stroke,0,en
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped,1,en
What did the cow say to the paintbrush? Moo. As told by my kid this morning.,0,en
"How do you pronounce XXXTentacion? Last time i heard, he was pronounced dead",1,en
"i went to a wedding today threedots i went to a wedding today , it went off without a hitch! poor guy , this is the second girl that left him at the alter .",0,en
What did the out of tune musician wear on her feet Flats ,1,en
Working in an Action Man factory pays very well indeed. You can make six figures in an hour,0,en
Boyfriend and boy friend are different. Because the space in between is called friendzone.,1,en
I have a lot on my mind. I sold it at auction ,0,en
where did the hamburger go to dance? the meatball,0,en
I'm not that great at hide and seek. I look in the mirror and I lose everytime,0,en
"first thing heard on the news : "" you're gonna be wet by this time tomorrow morning "". kinda looking forward to tuesday now",0,en
"i try to teach my mom something new every day, because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes",0,en
what's the difference between the mailman and the priest? the mailman doesn't come on sunday .,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who'd just broken up with his Asian girlfriend? He felt a little disoriented.,1,en
How warm was Luke Skywalker in the tauntaun? Lukewarm,0,en
"how do you say "" no, i'm full "" in grandmother ?",1,en
"Look, a reindeer. Santa, is that you? Nope. Chuck Testa.",0,en
Why are calendars made for just one year? It's days are numbered.,1,en
What's the difference between a musician and a couch? A couch can support a family of four.,1,en
"Grief Counseler My grief counsellor died just the other day. He was so good though, I didn't care",1,en
Where do you find a crippled person? Right where you left them.,0,en
What is the connection between a school and a church? Children,1,en
Shipwrecked! by Mandy Lifeboats,1,en
why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? it was stuffed .,0,en
What is nibbas favourite fictional character? Robin hood,1,en
"when a couple i'm friends with splits up, i always choose sides with the one who won't ask to sleep on my couch .",1,en
what is red and hurts when you bite it? a brick .,0,en
Ever hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It was dreadful.,1,en
what did the tv get for christmas? replaced,0,en
silence is golden. duct tape is silver,1,en
Did you hear about the person who was murdered and put into a suitcase? It was an open and shut case.,1,en
I only have one hand. So i shop at secondhand stores,1,en
"a girlfriend is like a good joke. if i told you i had one , you'd probably laugh",1,en
how do you know a basketball player has prostate cancer? he dribbles a lot,1,en
"if life hands you lemons, ask it why it has hands .",0,en
What is the most popular social media form at Hogwarts? SnapeChat,1,en
have you guys heard my joke about elevators? it's funny on multiple levels,1,en
my bike is getting old. i had to retire it,0,en
What was the prick teaser's job at the pie factory? Making banana cream. ,0,en
"When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.",1,en
the internet lets the world instantly know my thought but threedots they can't make a microwave that i can put metal in. someone isn't trying,0,en
"just when i manage to convince myself that i am a superior and more intelligent being, i walk into a door .",1,en
why did the bodybuilder buy a dictionary? because he wanted to get more definition .,1,en
"""IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS. "" I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin",0,en
is is best to do your homework on an empty stomach or a full stomach? it's best to do it on paper .,1,en
My girl used to give me the best head But then she grew teeth,1,en
Looking in the mirror trying to grow up the nerve to ask my true love out. I hope I say yes,0,en
"Best garage sale ever! It's not advertised, nobody's here and it's all free! It's like my neighbor accidentally left his garage door open.",0,en
my girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. it was mine,0,en
Which band is difficult to dance to? The Beatless,1,en
"Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight... So as an adult, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.",1,en
Interviewer: how do you explain the long gap in your resume? Me: I fell asleep with my face on the spacebar,1,en
why was the girl with the frozen balloon sad? because she threedots let it go !,0,en
"my signature move is called "" the mouse, "" where i run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon",1,en
My friend told me I sounded pretentious in my essay I don't get it: I don't think I sound ostentatious.,1,en
Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive! Has the computer stopped working? No but there's a lot of crackling.,0,en
People keep pushing me around and calling me lazy. I don't care what they say though this wheelchair is the best thing I ever bought,1,en
"what did the cheese vendor say to the robber? "" hey ! that's nacho cheese ! """,1,en
"What animal lives on the farm and says ""moo""? A bilingual chicken",1,en
I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora... It means a lot,1,en
What's a Whistleblower's favorite food? Leeks!,0,en
How did the firefly react when he was stepped on? He was delighted.,1,en
Which woman has Jesus as a nephew? The Auntie Christ.,1,en
"amazing farmer i met an amazing farmer today, he was out standing in his field threedots",0,en
How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs. you step in a poodle,0,en
Your skin looks great do you use concealer? I dab.,1,en
"No, Karen. Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh is NOT a Jewish law firm",1,en
"oh my god, killer snails are after us . walk . walk for your lives .",0,en
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim,0,en
what did the painting on the wall say to the cop? i've been framed !,0,en
The poor sentence got hurt while riding his bike. He got his dangling modifier stuck in the chain,0,en
A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band. But he didn't have enough soul,1,en
what's that over there? i don't know but i just got a raging clue,0,en
"yes , neil , everything sounds better when you have a great voice. that's how sound works",0,en
is there such thing as a free gift? aren't all gifts free,0,en
"I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...",0,en
What do you call a Buffalo Sabres shirt? A Tank Top,1,en
What is the TSA's favorite movie? Inspection.,0,en
Movie critics have said some negative things about the new movie Jobs. I guess Ashton Kutcher didn't do a good Jobs,1,en
"Chuck Norris was orginally casted as the main character for salt but then they changed it to Angelia Jolie, look at her face now.",0,en
"what you hope someone might say about you when they approach your casket? hey , i think he moved .",0,en
How do you always win at jenga? You go verse people from the Parkinson's disease centre.,1,en
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work,1,en
"What did the blind man say to his old friend? Ayy, long time no see!",0,en
There are quite a few Holocaust jokes. Six million and counting.,1,en
"If a red panda is caught stealing, what do you call it? It was caught Red Panded",1,en
why did op get fired from his job as a mailman? he never delivered .,1,en
I have a friend named Tim who is dyslexic and shares too much. We call him Tmi,0,en
I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic. His work is Mind BLowing,1,en
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.,1,en
"""my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping""",0,en
The Rock had a baby girl today. I hope he names her Pebble,0,en
The only thing in between you and me is.... A knee,0,en
Who is the most trustworthy lover? Shakira. Her hips don't lie.,0,en
Beethoven isn't dead. He's just decomposing.,0,en
How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.,1,en
"Did you know the first baseball game was held in the Garden of Eden? Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and Abel struck out.",0,en
"Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.",1,en
"""Are you sure this lawyer is good?"" Yeah, why? ""He pronounced sue like sway""",1,en
"What's the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy? When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, ""Merci!"".",1,en
What do you call a Jawa's favourite magician? Houdini.,1,en
"I dumped my girlfriend, Ruth, the other day. I told myself I'm just gonna be Ruthless in love from now on",0,en
what do you call clothes for a car? a tire .,1,en
How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama? One Mississippi.,1,en
"dude is texting with a flip phone, just like george washington did",1,en
first person : do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? second person : no . first person : good !,0,en
"What is the difference between ""ooo"" and ""aaa""? About three centimeters.",1,en
"Innocuous statement Doing it to an inappropriate person, race or religion.",1,en
What do me and the pied Piper have in common? I lured in all the kids,1,en
I'm not lazy. I'm just on my energy saving mode,0,en
"When someone asks how I feel, I always answer ""Squishy and like I've done something wrong""",1,en
What's a ghost's favorite search engine? Ghoulgle,0,en
"I have a condition preventing my going on a successful diet. There's a medical term for it, but in plain language, it's hunger",1,en
"Did you hear about the baker who always fantasized about being a king? He walked into his bread oven room and said, ""All rise.""",1,en
A wise man once said. Man who fish in other mans well catch many crabs,1,en
What do you call a boar that sounds like a horse? Neighbor,1,en
what is a deaf person's favorite cereal? shredded what,0,en
what do you call a bear in the arctic? starving .,1,en
Q: What do you call Robin Hood's mother? A: Mother Hood.,0,en
"Ever seen a horse with a carrot on a stick dangling over its head? Last night on the treadmill's TV, I saw an ad for Kentucky Fried Chicken.",1,en
I lost my job as a plantation overseer. Damaged too much equipment. ,0,en
"With girls, I'm like the tortoise I like to get there before the hair",1,en
Say what you like about Netflix... At least their producers go slowly in school zones,1,en
What is the difference between Madeline McCann and English football?? Maddies not coming home. ,0,en
q : where do bees go on their day off? a : to the wax museum .,0,en
What do you call a homeless man? A Hobo Sapien.,1,en
"I interviewed for a new secretary today and the last girl blew it. So, she starts tomorrow",0,en
"every year on valentine's day, i put a smile on my wife's face by taking down the christmas tree .",1,en
What do you call Mariah Carey when she eats at a Indian restuarant? Mariah Curry,1,en
I thought I fell in love with my blender. but now I have mixed feelings,0,en
""" people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them "" "" by mistake? "" "" not you as well "" .",1,en
"unlimited data is better than unlimited drama, and that's why i love my phone .",0,en
The Moderators of this subreddit Ok this joke isn't dark but...,0,en
what's the most confusing holiday in the hood? father's day .,0,en
What do you call an existential lycanthrope? A whywolf.,1,en
"what did the deaf guy say to the blind guy? i can't hear you , but i can see your point",1,en
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide... ...but you can't run.,0,en
"what do i want to do to your body? i don't know . identify it , i guess .",0,en
I saw a chef add some chopped up vegetables to his soup Well that explains the empty wheelchairs.,1,en
I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now,1,en
Public bathrooms in India are like homes in Africa The street acts as both,1,en
"Some people say that Frieza was the best character in Dragon Ball Z, but. I think his brother was cooler",1,en
"I failed No Nut November I'm sorry, it's just... my cat was right there.",0,en
"So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles ""Hardback? "" she inquired. ""Yes"" I said. ""and little heads.""",1,en
What did the mother of the guy who broke his arms say at the beginning of every 'session'? ssh bby is ok,0,en
Did you know Bonnie Tyler has released a cardiology DVD?  It's Totally Clips of the Heart.,0,en
writing a personal ad. so far i have : has all own teeth,1,en
How did Jesus get his beach bod for the summer? Cross fit,0,en
How many people does it take for Valve to change a light bulb? Two at most.,1,en
"yesterday i told someone that i don't like babies ? "" have you tried them with ketchup instead of mayonnaise ? "", they asked .",1,en
note to shelf: thanks for keeping my stuff off the floor .,0,en
"My mate's gambling is getting out of hand. He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker. I thought, ""I might have to raise him.""",1,en
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper... She was wearing massive gloves... ",0,en
"if i ever got the chance to go on "" jeopardy , "" i'd just buzz in on every question and answer "" what is love? "" until they made me leave .",1,en
"Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my Facebook account in three days. But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave",0,en
waiter : why didn't you make all the food on that long order? cook : because i'm a short order cook .,1,en
"There's always an Obama in relationships. The one that has to compromise, doesn't really get much credit, and never wins, no matter what",1,en
Stablehand: Wanna hear a funny joke? Horse: Neigh!,0,en
what was spider man's major in college? web design .,0,en
""" dude , this game is like your mom . "" "" dude , this game is just like your mom . "" "" how so? "" "" it's really easy . """,0,en
I like my girlfriend like I like my will to live Non existent ,0,en
Why wasn't toto as excited as dorothy when they traveled the yellow brick road? he missed the rains down in africa,0,en
Why did ginny make harry get rid of his invisibility cloak? He kept coming out of no where,0,en
"did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and veterinarian? he has a sign on the door that says "" either way , you get your dog back . """,1,en
"no matter how bad things get , at least i have my fingers! i know i can always count on them .",0,en
"CONDUCTOR: all aboard! ME: i'm pretty bored CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train ME: oh, i'm sure they're bored too",1,en
"Hey Southpaw, going to lunch? Of course, I also have the right ...",0,en
what do you call a cheap wig? a small price toupee .,1,en
"sorry i just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant .",0,en
"Who created the first diswasher? God, and her name was Eve.",0,en
What is it called when a guy called Justin gets justice? Justinice.,0,en
What happens to all Vertibird pilots? They Fallout,1,en
party host : anyone here allergic to nuts? because i like to rest mine on the table .,1,en
"Ramen Noodles are like Masterbating When you finish, you feel guilt and regret.",1,en
what do you give sean connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub? shower cream,0,en
"The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas. the female human stretches it out over a lifetime",1,en
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet. he got lost at C,0,en
"just a thought. if Jesus was born a Jew and his father is God, does that mean god is Jewish",1,en
"The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.",1,en
"I was going to tell a joke about a popular rock band, but. I'm going to need A Day To Remember",0,en
"What do you say to change the atmosphere at a dinner party? ""If were all here, who's looking after Madeline?""",1,en
Am one of those people that loves kids but doesn't want them to grow up So I don't vaccinate my kids,0,en
What do you call a sad coffee? Despresso,1,en
how did jesus stay in such good shape? cross fit .,1,en
What did Spock find in the Enterprises's toilet? ... ... ... ... ... ... The captain's log!,0,en
i'm going to have an ear transplant later tonight. thanks in advance for the well wishes !,0,en
"if kevin bacon is ever caught outside during a blizzard, it'd be pretty awesome if when he was found his core temperature was six degrees .",0,en
What does a car and society have in common a trans breaks down is a major annoyance,1,en
What was the name of Tom Sawyer's fish? Huckleberry Fin!,0,en
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with four captains? She came back with a Red Snapper.,1,en
"my daughter wanted a cinderella themed birthday party, so i invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house .",0,en
"What do you do after you finish a magazine at the hospital? Reload, duh.",0,en
what do racers eat before a race nothing they fast,1,en
What did King Arthur have for breakfast? Eggcalibur.,1,en
chuck norris once visited the virgin islands. they are now known as the islands,1,en
"these egyptian fireworks are nice. oh wait , they are planes",1,en
"when someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life , let them go. i'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them , though",1,en
i asked my girlfriend to buy me some japanese food. threedots sushi did,0,en
"Coming out with a hair product line.... For philosophers, religious and introspective types... it's called ""The Human Conditioner"".",1,en
why don't old men like old women? ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich,1,en
"Confusious say, when one man fishes in another man's well... ...he is likely to catch crabs.",1,en
the sun is a star. so technically it's night all the time,0,en
what do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle? a finnish line .,1,en
"Freddie Mercury The other day I was thinking back over some of Freddie Mercury's greatest records. For example, ""lowest T cell count ever"".",1,en
"They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away Though if you don't go see your doctor regularly for checkups, you're bananas!",1,en
Did you hear about the Mathematicians Gentleman's Club? They were famous for their signature dance: the Mobius Strip,1,en
"if it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for ?",1,en
People have came up with a digital wallet. But last time I checked I didn't get charged for using a credit card,1,en
How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel. I paid in dimes,1,en
"When trying to determine the best place in Charlotte to go for a team building event, go to the White Water Center. It's a no brainer",1,en
"by tomorrow, no one will remember what happened in trees today",0,en
"How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the F out of safe, and the F out of way.",0,en
why does everyone keep saying the boston marathon was a tragedy? i heard everybody had a blast .,1,en
Why is the British weather like Islam? Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite,1,en
"I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM Cooking Spray. The tan didn't stick",1,en
What do you get when American pioneers develop a video game? They manifest Destiny,1,en
Me: Girls' night in!!! Cat: I'm a cat. Me: You're my best friend. Cat: I'm not even a girl cat. Me: So it's like a date? Cat: Get help.,0,en
What does Laquisha have for breakfast? Plan B,0,en
"My uncle was an exercise fanatic. When he died, we had a closed casket funeral, because he liked to do sit ups",1,en
What's hairy and flies through the air? Jonathan Livingstone Gorilla!,0,en
"So the Enlarged Prostate and the Bladder are taking. The bladder says "" move I gotta pee! "" the Enlarged Prostate smiles and says "" Sorry but urine trouble.""",1,en
Me and my girlfriend are just too different. I exist and she doesn't,0,en
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to meet her child. I was surprised when she introduced me to a plastic doll. But what could I expect. She was only six.,1,en
q : what's green and sings? a : elvis parsley .,0,en
why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool? they kept dropping their trunks !,1,en
"why is it impossible to starve in a desert? because of the sand , which is everywhere .",0,en
"if you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you !",0,en
me : we need to hire smarter people. hr : why ? me : is there someone smarter i can talk to about this ? hr threedots,0,en
What do gender fluid people wear? Depends on the tide...,1,en
"What advice was given to a depressed car? You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.",1,en
What do an old cars and pasta have in common? They're both al dente.,1,en
"a cowboy goes to the barber . when the barber is done cutting his hair , the cowboy goes back outside . and guess what? pony gone .",0,en
I always post things in the right sub. I guess you could say I do it subconsciously,0,en
"if all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you ?",1,en
"what did captain cook say to his men before they got on the ship? let's get on the ship , men !",0,en
"is the end of the world happening right now? the internet is not working on my phone , so that was my first logical conclusion .",0,en
"What did the Ghost teacher say to her class? Look at the board, I'll go through it again. ",0,en
The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!,1,en
just saw a lady saying grace over her salad. lettuce pray,0,en
I just opened an express clothing alteration business. It's called Tailor Swift,1,en
"in a hundred year's times, the equivalent of "" mozart turning in his grave "" will be adele rolling in the deep",1,en
"The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. ""No mis"" he replied",1,en
"What is another term for ob gyn? A Klingon! since obstetrician gynaecologist is too long, and OB GYN doesn't make sense ,lets call them Klingons",1,en
Why did the pancake cross the road? His friends egged him on,0,en
What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers? Blackbirds,1,en
Where did Little Mary go after the explosion? Everywhere.,0,en
"what's in a honeymoon salad? lettuce alone , without dressing threedots",0,en
"how do redditors get their water? from a well , actually",1,en
What's the difference between a girl and a dog? The price of the collar. Credit:french canadian comedian Martin Matte,0,en
i just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page! final final edit : titty sprinkles,0,en
"It's baked in fire, yet is cold as ice, born with a flash, but is dark as night. What is it? Nuclear winter.",0,en
Why do fire departments have dalmatians? To help the firemen find the hydrants,1,en
someone should check on tyler perry. he hasn't released a movie in like a week,0,en
At the Special Olympics they don't use starter pistols. They use Spud Guns,1,en
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well I saw this light at the window...!,0,en
there's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of doritos will make me feel better. that's why it's called faith,1,en
the rain is starting to worry me. i'm afraid that because i have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark,1,en
"""I need a car. What do you have?"" ""Well, we have a Subaru Outback"" ""But what kind of Subaru?"" ""Outback"" ""I don't CARE where you keep it...""",0,en
I tried giving my cat a bath. but I keep getting hair in my mouth,1,en
What is a rhinos favourite food Poached eggs,1,en
Today I discovered my brother and I are both audiophiles. He came as soon as he heard,1,en
Pokemon Go is just like Caitlyn Jenner. It keeps crashing and you never look back,0,en
there is no turkey in the coop. but there's a coup in turkey,0,en
"Did you know that half of all Harleys ever made are still on the road? Yep, they never made it home.",0,en
An economist was given the choice between participating in a marathon and just a quick race. He preferred the long run over the short run,1,en
"people in my office have this strange habit of naming their food threedots yesterday, i had a sandwich named "" michael "" .",1,en
Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers.,1,en
Did you hear about the Bourne identity movie? Matt Damon returns in ..........Still Bourne,1,en
What did the llama said to the other llama? Como se llama,0,en
"So I asked a Jewish girl for her number the other day... She showed me this tattoo that's not even a phone number, I think she's uninterested in me.",1,en
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same,1,en
Arnold's new tell all book. Arnold Schwarzenegger just wrote a new tell all book because no one could understand his audio book,0,en
A couple I know only eat raw meat. Their names are Sam and Ella,1,en
You wanna hear a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline? Okay.,0,en
How many giraffes does it take to change a lightbulb? One but the lightbulb needs a stepladder.,1,en
"i know it's just bad luck that what i post never reaches the front page. after all , i've definitely seen it there before",0,en
In what realm does Thor use his hammer the most? Milfheim,1,en
How do you pronounce XXXtentacion's name? Well TMZ says it's pronounced dead.,1,en
"sometimes people ask me how i got so funny and i say "" it's easy. i'm just deeply , deeply sad and my life feels unnecessary and empty """,1,en
What does a strawberry and a blueberry have in common? They both can't ride a bicycle!,0,en
what would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player? bear jordan .,0,en
"i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting , or should i say threedots very interesting",0,en
I had falafel for lunch. Now I feel awful,0,en
They say if you love something you should set it free. So I left my exwife in the middle of the woods,0,en
what makes a juice joke so funny? the punchline,1,en
Something came in the mail today. My taxes,1,en
my mate just lost both hands in a horrible accident. i can't even begin to imagine how he feels,1,en
US College Why are there no college shootings in the US? Cuz the kids can't afford going to college.,0,en
"I've matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff",1,en
My GF told me we should see other people I was able to finally take my blindfold off,1,en
Did you know that Santa Claus is both an arborist and a geologist? He's gonna find out what's knotty or gneiss.,0,en
cheer up hilary! at least you won't have to work at the same desk that monica spent so much time under .,0,en
What do you call an Irishman who studies dinosaurs? a paleontologist.,1,en
Nothing like a nice car ride to clear your head... As quoted by JFK,0,en
I like my coffee black. So it steals my fatigue,1,en
"women are reasonable! as long as we admit they're right , we don't have to agree to anything .",1,en
What do you call noodles that aren't spaghetti? Impastas,1,en
JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.,0,en
why do sandwich fillings look weird? Cos they're in bread,1,en
what's the saddest computer you can buy? a dell,0,en
What's Mr. T's favorite band? the Foo Fighters,1,en
"I like to think that every time I press the dislike button, Pandora sends an email to the artist. Take that, Beethoven!",0,en
A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it,1,en
It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean. it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off,1,en
"first date on the first date with girls we play jenga, show her my pull out game is strong .",0,en
what do you call two ants running away? antelope !,1,en
Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time? MC Escher,1,en
"What did the lawyer say to the deaf man? Listen buddy, I really feel like you are signing your life away. ",0,en
"At any given moment the urge to sing is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away",1,en
Why did the chicken do jumping jacks? She wanted scrambled eggs,1,en
what do you call a nun in a wheelchair with a cell phone? virgin mobile .,0,en
This joke was going to be about cheese. But it's not Gouda 'nuff,0,en
What do you call an armadillo at a fashion show? A roll model,1,en
have you heard about the old wheel that got a new image? he retired .,0,en
"a particle walks into a bar , but nobody is there. so he waves",0,en
why did the miner feel so low? he was in a deep depression .,1,en
why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary? because they'll always have the last word .,1,en
"i was helping animal control round up a stray dog today , and was hoping to get credit for the catch. but he got the collar",1,en
what did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? oh sheet .,0,en
"Which one falls the fastest, leaf or an Emo? A leaf, because it doesn't hang itself.",1,en
what is hard and six inches long? my pen is,0,en
"how do you get all of the backs in a crows to look at you? say ""your dad is back!""",0,en
"Its weird . When a man dances with his girlfriend , no one says anything ... When I dance with my girlfriend , they call it against the law ",0,en
Why did the viper want to become a python? He got the coiling.,1,en
why did the butter maker not tell anybody his secret recipe? he was afraid they'd spread it around .,1,en
I know I'll be a great chef some day. it's just a matter of thyme,0,en
Never seek the dead for guidance. They give really cryptic advice,1,en
What do you call it when you run out of seed? Endosperm.,1,en
I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day. I hope she finds someone nice,0,en
My friend told me he has developed a lung disease. I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can,1,en
What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur? Chia LaBeouf,1,en
What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!,0,en
What did the dejected man say to the considerate calculator trying to console him? It's the bot that counts.,1,en
"I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in.",0,en
My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology,1,en
I haven't slept for ten days... That would be far too long...,0,en
"this is the worst weather ive ever seen "" what about when the wind had sharks in it? "" that was a movie dad "" oh excuse me weather expert """,0,en
Q: Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing? A: He was striking a happy medium.,0,en
If Jason Bateman was a Jedi. I would call him Master Bateman,1,en
I went to an ocean themed party It was a whale of a time. ,0,en
"No matter how kind you are, German children are always Kinder.",1,en
"remember folks, beauty threedots is only a light switch away .",0,en
Why was the man with size four shoes turned away from Mount Everest? Because climbing Mount Everest is no small feat,1,en
"Breaking News: horse in barn has emergency operation. Update: do not worry, he is in a stable condition",0,en
My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it,1,en
why did the zombie move into a studio apartment? because he didn't need a living room anymore !,0,en
What does a frenchman call a lesiban threesome? Tres bien,1,en
What has seven arms and can't spell? Def Leppard,0,en
What do you call a person with osteogenesis imperfecta that fell on a floor? Shattered glass,1,en
How do you know if your food is ready? Ultrasound.,0,en
"The phrase ""A stone's throw"" has been discontinued. Please use ""In Wifi range"" from now on",0,en
I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer. I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition,1,en
What do you call an amish veterinarian? A mechanic.,1,en
kids want to play with the box the toys come out of. men want to play with the box the kids come out of,1,en
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.,0,en
"Chris Brown dressed as Deadpool for Halloween and won a costume contest. The runner up was a girl dressed like Rihanna, but he beat her",1,en
"if your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you , don't be rude. take a little bite",0,en
Summer body wasn't ready. But winter body is good to go,0,en
why did x and y break up? they couldn't function together .,0,en
INTERVIEWER: what's your greatest strength? ME: I'm good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me,1,en
what do we say to the god of procrastination? not today .,1,en
"I picked my nose in traffic today. Secretly hoping a tweeter who had run out of joke material saw me. You've gotta give to get, people.",0,en
How do you take a screenshot of a picture of a circumcision? Using the snipping tool,0,en
"dreams can come true. for example , one night i dreamed that i was poor , sad and alone after three months the dream come true",1,en
"The ""Selfie"" sorority girls Gave there tickets to the less fortunate. I'm my book that makes them charitable women and not very selfie at all",1,en
What do you get when you try to fit the ocean in a storage container? Tidepod. ,0,en
how much does a rock weigh? one stone .,1,en
"I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them",1,en
i didn't know what happiness was until i got married. but by then it was too late,0,en
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses...  Life before that was a blur...,1,en
"a kid asks his dad to show him a magic trick threedots dad says, "" sure "" then he disappears and never returned .",1,en
Did you hear the one about the guy who died from drinking too much tea? Sent him to an early grey,0,en
"do you want to get dinner sometime ? sorry , i said that wrong. do you want to get me dinner sometime ? like deliver food to me and then leave ?",0,en
Why did the neckbeard become a doctor? He sure knows how to treat M'aladies,1,en
how did the egyptian go broke? he got caught up in a pyramid scheme .,1,en
"i finally got my first interview since moving to the us. almost able to say something more romantic to the gf than "" you're out of batteries """,1,en
Why don't poor people go to funerals? They can't afford to pay respects.,0,en
What did the clock say to the class? Stopwatch you're doing!,0,en
"When the TMNT Tell a Secret I wonder if when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tell a secret, they say Donatello anyone",1,en
"kfc cd our local kfc was giving away cds today , ' the best of kfc '. wasn't expecting much but it's finger clicking good !",0,en
why are there no stray dogs in china? have you heard of stray chickens,1,en
"Why is quantum mechanics the original ""original hipster""? It described the universe before it was cool.",1,en
Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along..,0,en
"""PSST."" It came from my waffles. ""PSST,"" again. ""What? "" I ask, furtively. ""You look really nice today."" Complimentary Breakfast",1,en
"I invented a cold air balloon. Though, it never really took off.",1,en
why is the letter t like an island? because its in the middle of water !,0,en
"Have you ever sat on Santa's lap and tell him what you wanted for Christmas? Then he tells you what he wants, but doesn't say a word?",0,en
Some people say Steve Jobs died to early. but I'd say its an appropriate metaphor for his companies policy on battery life,1,en
did you hear about the jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live? when the patient couldn't pay the doctor gave him another six months .,1,en
why do women love satan? he's down to earth .,1,en
"I sing like an amputee I can't hold a note, can't carry a tune...",1,en
"I was in the army once... I was in the army once and the sergeant said to me; ""What does surrender mean? "" I said; ""I give up""",1,en
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store. It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.,1,en
They told me to imagine a guy holding a jug full of water. But I just couldn't pitcher it,1,en
What do babies and goldfish have in common? They're both the snack that smiles back,1,en
"twitter has messed me up. now when someone says something i like in real life , i gently place my hand on their face and whisper "" favorite """,1,en
Who is the shortest man in the Bible?  Nehemiah,1,en
Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.,0,en
If the Hipster fad were to end. Would we even hear about it,0,en
"fun idea : not got kids? hire a babysitter anyway , say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken . on your return ask where your child is .",0,en
once you use mac you never go back. there's literally no escape,0,en
where does charlie sheen shop? at winners .,0,en
"What did Bach say when Mozart thought he smelled something burning? ""Could Beethoven""",1,en
"What did the Kiwi say to the Rabbi? ""Hebrew"".",1,en
What do you call complications during chidbirth A midwife crisis.,1,en
How do you like your eggs in the morning Fried or fertilized?,1,en
"What dairy product is the most revered? Swiss cheese, after all it's the holeist!",1,en
what do you call fly with no wings? a walk ! hahaha threedots heh .,0,en
Why does Reddit have two d's? Because the other other one goes missing on dark mode.,0,en
I don't like piggy banks. I'm afraid of change,0,en
To the person who stole my glasses I will find you. I have contacts.,0,en
What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j,1,en
"You got problems with parenting... You start to get headaches. I follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: ""Take two and keep away from children.""",1,en
"So, Thor is going to be female from now on. I bet Chris Hemsworth wishes he'd paid more attention to the small print when signing that Avengers contract",0,en
"If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson what song would you get? ""Beeflt!""",1,en
How does a crippled man survive a shark attack? Lay still because sharks don't eat vegetables,1,en
"bread: for when you want to wrap your food with other food , then eat it .",1,en
Whenever someone says a joke never gets old just casually say Just like make a wish kids.,0,en
Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre? Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.,0,en
Welcome to our swimming ool! Notice there is no P in it.,0,en
how do you come out of a closet like a true redditor? you get confused .,0,en
My friend had to step in as the lead of Little Shop of Horrors at the last second. He was Suddenly Seymour,0,en
What's John Cena's favourite part of the sunset? The CENAry,0,en
"In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block They have a fear of Eights",1,en
"i answer with an automatic "" yes "" each time my mom says "" oh , have i told you threedots? "" i could miss out on something good but chances are slim .",1,en
"sometimes i like to sit on the floor , bring my knees up to my chest and then lean forward. but that's just how i roll",1,en
What do you call a gnome that muffs a fairy? Goblin....,1,en
I bought goldfish today and named them One and Two That way if One dies I still have Two ,0,en
"a lady just walked into taco bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left . i should follow her . what's the rest of her day like ?",0,en
What makes a barbershop quartet sound so amazing? They're on the cutting edge of musical innovation.,1,en
"""Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today? "" ""Not much, just working on my Theseus.""",1,en
facebook: the only place where you get excited when strangers follow you .,0,en
"everyone want to change the world, but no one thinks of changing themselves !",0,en
What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer? Logging in. ,1,en
What Hogwarts house was the Big Bad Wolf in? Hufflepuff,0,en
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register,1,en
I love the Star Spangled Banner. I just don't get the beginning line. Who is Jose? And why do we care if he can see?,0,en
i came into some money yesterday. i couldn't find the tissues,0,en
"Whenever someone says, ""I had the weirdest dream last night! "" I interrupt, ""I had dreams once..."" and stare at a wall until they leave.",1,en
What do you call a sudden breeze at The Masters? Augusta wind.,1,en
"Is it just me, or are birds really popular lately? I know several people who are having ""superb owl"" parties next month",1,en
Have you ever heard about German humour? NEINther have I,1,en
what kind of train eats too much? a chew chew train,0,en
Decided to watch the lunar eclipse tonight. Couldn't see the moon,0,en
what is an archaeologist? someone who's career is in ruins !,0,en
"i bought a book on ebay called "" how to scam on ebay "". it still hasn't arrived",0,en
"excuse me waiter, i didn't ask for dessert . i asked for desert . now get me a bowl of sand and a baby camel .",1,en
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case's where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I'm also broke. Genius!,0,en
"when i say "" it's a long story , "" it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. it means i just don't want to tell you",1,en
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be reincarnated as a stud? He woke up on a snow tire in Michigan.,1,en
"you're like pizza at a chinese buffet. i ain't feeling you but i see you over there , doing you , and i respect that",1,en
Press reporter asks NASA director 'what did the kepler telescope find out today'? Water on Mars.,1,en
this apple tastes terrible. it must be the way i'm holding it,0,en
"how does ricegum give l's? he doesn't, he gives r's.",0,en
you know what always brings me down? gravity .,0,en
what's the worst thing about a ray rice joke? the punch line .,1,en
What would Vincent Van Gogh be if he was a sheep? Lamb Gogh,0,en
"spiders: nature's reminder that you are , in fact , a little girl .",1,en
"two cows in a field , one says "" what do you think of mad cow disease? "" the other cow replies "" won't affect me , i'm a helicopter ! """,1,en
"""Where do escalators come from? "" ""Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much...""",1,en
why was linda so mad on her wedding day? her soon to be husband forgot how to groom .,0,en
what is called a honeymoon salad? lettuce alone with no dressing .,1,en
"What's everyone's favorite past time, that always has the same outcome, yet does not have an arena or a proper league? Five on one.",1,en
How many bees are there in the world? A buzzillion.,0,en
It's not herpes. They're called Genital Cold Sores,1,en
What is DNA's favourite clothing? Jeans!,0,en
What's the fastest way from Berlin to Paris? through Belgium ,0,en
There's always someone arrested in a rap song It's the meaning behind the bars ,1,en
"Several years ago, Charlie Sheen said ""I'm Winning"". even now he's still remaining positive",1,en
why did the baby squirrel wear a diaper? to hide his nuts !,0,en
You know what's better than Tennessee? Elevennessee.,0,en
"choose your friends carefully, they are the ones who tag you in photos .",0,en
Why do gangsters hold their pistols sideways? Because that's how it comes in the box :D,1,en
What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts,1,en
when does john cena get scared? when john cena ghost !,0,en
How can you tell when your drowning in milk? When it gets pasteurise.,1,en
"me , texting my crush : have any plans tonight? her : no not yet ! i'm totally free and available me : ok well have a good night whatever u do",0,en
"my girlfriend told me i was one in a million threedots when i looked through her text messages, i had to admit she was right",0,en
"what did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? can i hold your hand , hand , hand , hand , hand , hand , hand , hand , hand , hand",1,en
What is red and white and red and white and red and ....? Santa Clause rolling down a hill,0,en
how do you tell if you've lost an argument on facebook? well first you're are in an argument on facebook .,0,en
"i like my women how i like my light bulbs threedots not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement .",0,en
What did Samsung say after Apple came out of the closet? But I'm gayer and water resistant!,0,en
What's the difference from a Jewish film director and a Regular film director? The latter doens't exist,1,en
"people who have quit reddit, how is life like now ?",0,en
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown,1,en
i dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. it didn't break but for a moment i saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes,1,en
Where do werewolves live? In werehouses.,1,en
A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? Q. They think their picture is being taken.,0,en
How do you get to know a kid's name in Yemen? You read their tombstone.,1,en
Why are postmen great at telling jokes? Because they never miss the delivery.,1,en
what's the difference between shame and pride? it depends on where i draw the line .,1,en
what is the preferred drink for people in st . cloud? mini soda,1,en
lawyers sometimes tell the truth. they'll do anything to win a case,1,en
bored? sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog,1,en
What do you call a group of people in comas? A salad.,1,en
"If you're thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.",0,en
i bought the wrong kind of compass. now i'm lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles,0,en
"so , a thought crossed your mind? must have been a long and lonely journey .",0,en
What did the newly paroled French prisoner name his restaurant? Attempted Crepe,1,en
"As a cancer survivor, people ask me how did I come to terms with having cancer. I didn't... It just kind of grew on me.",1,en
why did the pirate with the eye patch drown? because he had no depth perception .,1,en
I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow,1,en
What did the little acorn say when it got planted and grew up? Geometry.,1,en
"I was trying to recall what size shirt to get my friend the psychic, then I remembered. medium, of course",1,en
how did the farmer find his wife? he tractor down .,0,en
Part of our choir got kidnapped last week! Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.,0,en
What musical instrument can be found in nearly every Bathroom? ... ... A tuba toothpaste.,1,en
i like the way the earth revolves! it really makes my day,0,en
in which month do women talk the least? february .,1,en
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.,0,en
what does a programmer do in the toilet? a log dump !,0,en
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Sorry, my cat walked on my keyboard and accidentally typed something Welsh.",0,en
"Do you know what came in the mail? Me, we are out of tissues and toilet paper.",0,en
"If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?",1,en
"when no one stars a tweet, i tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people .",1,en
When a guy asks a woman for her hand? when he is tired of his own,1,en
My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures Apparently it is called Tik tok,1,en
"What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal? Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.",0,en
what does a flying rabbit has on his back? an eagle,1,en
why do hamburgers make poor pigeons? they won't talk no matter how you grill them !,1,en
What's the difference between a woman and a dog. The dog has rights.,0,en
What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat? Claude,0,en
My dog hunted down and killed a lizard today. You could say it was his hunting inskinkt,1,en
Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.,0,en
"So I heard ladies like bad boys. Lucky for them, I'm bad at everything",1,en
what is a horses favourite kind of party? a stall ball .,1,en
why did the orange stop rolling? it ran out of juice !,0,en
"""They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?"" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft",1,en
what do you call a group of philosophers? an argument .,1,en
knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad,1,en
"Just one bottle of vitaminwater provides a full day's supply of unnecessary and gullible. Also, electrolytes",1,en
"When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold. When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold",1,en
"if i can ever learn how to fold a fitted sheet, i will consider my life to be a successful one .",1,en
What is the difference between the hot girl at work and the one at home? You can assign tasks to the first kind!,0,en
what's the difference between kim kardashian and a colored wash? whites occasionally get into a colored wash .,1,en
What happens when Captain America drinks water? He becomes hydrated.,0,en
Why did the wizard ask a pretty chick to throw a heavy box on him? Not just the hard on............ it would've made him more flexible,1,en
"Me and my husband Atilla got into an argument I told him ""hun, let's not fight"".",1,en
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?,0,en
my mother is the strongest woman i know. you should see how far she could throw a shoe,0,en
A rabbit's favourite Christmas song? 'Lettuce with a gladsome mind',0,en
Did you guys hear about the price of Kobe beef? Apparently they fell dramatically,1,en
first spaceman : i'm hungry. second spaceman : so am i it must be launch time !,0,en
How did Jesus like his chicken? Crucifried,0,en
"a dyslexic tries to use public transportation whoops, wrong sub .",1,en
the wife complains i never buy her flowers. i never knew she sold them,1,en
I saw a cutegirl in the store yesterday. I just had to buy her. ,0,en
"People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. ""Guys, I've been gone three years and this is cumin.""",1,en
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend? They'll come through for you in a pinch,0,en
where is the best place to hide a lawyer? in a brief case .,1,en
Bill Gates has now donated enough money to charity that he lost his billionaire status. He now goes by Mill Gates,1,en
My cousin got injured in the New Zealand shooting... ...yeah I heard his shoulder was pretty bruised from the recoil. ,1,en
"A construction worker asked me to make a joke about the contents of his toolbox. Unfortunately, I don't have any drill bits",1,en
What happens if you put a mirror in a garage? A mirage!,0,en
You know a pessimist... ...is just a well informed optimist?,1,en
"Don't worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too",0,en
how do you tell the difference between a male chromosome and a female chromosome? you pull down their genes !,0,en
"there was a time when i was thin. sure i was six years old , but i'm confident i can get back in those clothes",1,en
"Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, Water gets chuck norrised",0,en
What kind of water do you drink when the snow melts? Spring water.,1,en
What are some good conversation starter jokes you can think of? Just some light jokes with bit of humor . Nothing too dark.,0,en
"martin luther king may have had a dream, but chuck norris had a body count .",0,en
What did the Italian historian ask when he saw the original copies of one of the tragedian's greatest plays? Euripides,1,en
"when people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send ?",1,en
"every day , i hope i don't get bitten by a spider. i'm not afraid of spiders , i just don't want the responsibility of being a superhero",1,en
"It's a shame Jerry Hall never got it on with Vidal Sassoon Then she'd have completed rock, paper and scissors.",0,en
A chef was worriEd that he would mess up dessert. Turned out to be a piece of cake,1,en
me : i'll have the burger . waiter : and how do you like your burger? me : i don't know . you haven't brought it to me yet .,0,en
"honey, your skirt is so short that your std is showing .",1,en
what did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses? nothing he didn't recognize them !,1,en
My dad says he hates surprises. So I wrapped all his Christmas presents in cellophane,0,en
"My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.",1,en
"i think this lady i'm stalking just found out . she changed her wifi name to: "" hey you in the tree . i've called the cops . """,0,en
what do we want ? time travel! when do we want it ? it's irrelevant,1,en
fish must be excellent drivers. very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents,1,en
"I'm worried about my girlfriend recently. I'm always worried if shes eating well, sleeping well, or if she exists at all",0,en
"Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.",1,en
Girl can I get your digits? Jack the Ripper was a quite a pickup artist.,1,en
"My family doesn't have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you",1,en
"We see you, people with transitions glasses that haven't fully adjusted to the correct lighting. We see you",1,en
"The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do",0,en
idea for courtroom sketch artists: a camera,1,en
What do you get when you cross a dairy farmer with someone who moulds and fires clay? A dairy potter.,1,en
China lands on the moon! Salvages antique U.S. flag,0,en
"i could never succeed at chemistry. i guess that's why it's called chemist "" try """,1,en
What's the name of the new shawarma restaurant in Neverland? Pita Pan,0,en
"Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they're called iPumaPants.",1,en
"A quiz just asked me what mythical creature I relate to..  So I chose unicorn because I'm bright, colourful, and nobody believes in me.",1,en
What happens when two pastries divorce? They have a custardy battle,1,en
What is the witches motto? We came we saw we conjured !,0,en
"Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn? Her: anything is fine Me: ........ok Sarah, let's get started.",0,en
"Anyone hear the one.. Anyone hear the one about the messy bed? Yeah, I made it up.",0,en
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.,1,en
What did one crow say to the other? Caw dude,0,en
what do you call a gorilla that got shot even though it didn't want to do anything wrong? king kong,0,en
How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress? They have a lot of patients,1,en
Where do homeless people read about their friends deaths? In the hobobituaries,1,en
Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon.,1,en
How does someone pay for a painting? With Monet,1,en
"What happens when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen? Well, the mess is the same but the annoying jabbering stops.",1,en
teacher : what is can't short for? pupil : cannot miss teacher : and what is don't short for pupil : doughnut !,1,en
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want. Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please,0,en
there's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. only a fraction of people will get this,1,en
What did the hair stylist do when the Beach Boys came on? The barber ran,1,en
"What does Elon's wish list called Elon ""must""",1,en
i can jump higher than the average house. because the average house can't jump,0,en
"Have you ever heard of the legendary speedrunner, Elemen? He's OP.",1,en
What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet!!,0,en
Marriage is like a trip to the museum. You have to be really quiet and you can't touch anything,0,en
What do you call a Spartan king with a disease? Leonitis,1,en
how can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky? he's got one clean finger !,0,en
Why do some girls walk in threes? They can't even.,1,en
"My girlfriend came home and told me she had breast cancer.  I ended it all, because I never liked stone fruit.",1,en
I just flew in from the gender neutrality conference. And boy or girl are my arms tired,1,en
Some see the cup as half full. Some see half empty. Some aren't finished peeing in your drink,1,en
"Apple Store robbed The Apple Store in Regents Street, London, was robbed this morning. Police are appealing for an iWitness!",1,en
PERIOD! how can you tell the Romanian woman was on her period? she was wearing one sock,1,en
what did reddit say to his elderly mother when he tried to take her to a home? get in the karma .,0,en
an engineer went hunting threedots and found a set of tracks. he bent down to take a closer look and was run over by a train,1,en
Someone asked me the other day whole my favorite superhero is. I said that I thought iceman was pretty cool,1,en
I hold the Guinness World Record for longest time without brushing my teeth. I've got the plaque to prove it.,1,en
When does a horse talk on the phone? Whinny wants to!,0,en
did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? he'll stop at nothing to avoid them !,0,en
"can a cigar box? no , but a tin can .",0,en
I still don't understand how to avoid clickbait. Neither do you,0,en
Did you hear about the fire at the convent? Nun survived!,0,en
Where did the amino acid go to church? The cysteine chapel.,1,en
why are you eating a banana with the skin on? oh it's all right . i know what's inside .,0,en
q . what kind of motor vehicles are in the bible? a . jehovah drove adam and eve out of the garden in a fury .,0,en
"god doesn't play dice well, that's what he tells mrs god .",0,en
This new dating app is amazing! Roblox is a weird name for it though.,0,en
What kind of underwear does Cruella de Vil wear? Boxers.,0,en
TOO SOON? I knew the market for Jobs was killing but.....,0,en
What do you call a special needs kid when he comes in late? Tardy.,0,en
"I could never be a detective. I can't even solve equations, let alone crimes",1,en
Its good that Ariane Grande is holding a charity gig after Manchester... Her last show cost an arm and a leg,0,en
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.,0,en
why don't dogs make good dancers? because they have two left feet !,0,en
My kids aren't going to believe in Santa. They're going to believe in a magical Unicorn that barfs the presents under the tree,0,en
Why did the man break into song? Because he couldn't find the right key.,1,en
"One of my friends asked me if I wanted to visit him in England. So I said: ""Sherwood.""",1,en
"dad : "" so what are you going to do after you graduate? "" me : "" well , mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat """,1,en
"What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink? The Alaskan Bull Worm.",1,en
so many babies. so little ketchup,0,en
What does a Knight do at night? Nighty Night,1,en
If a student is late for his special ed class... Can we call him tardy?,1,en
Today I found out my best friend Gav died of Heartburn I can't believe Gaviscon,0,en
What do you call it when Demi Lovato gives you a hug? Spooning.,1,en
Who was the first striker? Jesus. He went for the cross,1,en
Son: What is an autobiography? Father: Er the story of an automobile.,1,en
what do you get when you mix a bush and a motorcycle? a hedgehog,1,en
"Note to self: Next time your migraine specialist asks ""How's your head? "" Don't reply with ""No man has ever complained.""",0,en
how do you blind a woman? you put a windshield in front of her .,1,en
What happened to the american man who broke his leg? He went... broke.,0,en
where does bad light end up? in a prism .,0,en
q : why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? a : i don't know . it hadn't really crossed my mind .,0,en
why do we measure snakes in inches? because they don't have any feet !,1,en
What did the gamer say to the fleeing prisoner? Run! escape!,0,en
What kind of martial arts do birds practice? Wing Chun,1,en
"How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?  Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!",0,en
"a roman receives a text message threedots a roman receives a text message and looks at it confused . "" why does it end with twenty? "" he thinks to himself .",1,en
why do cows think cooks are mean? they whip cream !,1,en
"Called home, sister picked up I asked, home alone? Granny's home, she replied. My reply, oh nice threesome this time. ",0,en
What did the collard green do when his favorite song came on the radio? He got turnip,0,en
what did the dyslexic person worship? santa .,1,en
Who is the patron saint of copying people on emails? St Francis of a cc: ,0,en
"My girlfriend text me ""lets watch Godzilla"". I reply ""look at the mirror""",1,en
You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don't they just get taller girls?,1,en
Americans are the best trained soldiers in the world They have been taught to dodge bullets since preschool,1,en
Where is Steve Irwin's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Right next to Sting and Ray Charles,0,en
John Cena vs Jackie Chan vs Leeerroooyyy Jeeennnkiiinnns who wins? Nobody wins. My Senpai can only win. I will make sure of it one way or another.......,0,en
Where are you when you're in the U.K. waiting for Vietnamese soup? Pho queue,0,en
What breaks when you give it to a baby? It's pelvis ,1,en
"How do trees encourage one another? They say ""I'm rooting for you""",1,en
why did the otter want to work at nasa? so he could go to otter space .,1,en
my head and i are not on speaking terms this morning. i suddenly know what it's like to be a man,1,en
"When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python. NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!",0,en
"Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business ""Dale's Paint Supplies"" but what if it was named ""Best Dog Memes""",1,en
"The show ""Naked And Afraid"".... Reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle",1,en
dad's are like boomerangs.... i hope,0,en
"I walked into my bosses office and yelled, ""Three to five cellular layers of skin."" ""What? "" he laughed. ""I'm just saying what's on everyone's lips.""",1,en
Want to Hear a Joke The mods have loving families.,0,en
A redditer clicks on a link. realizes they are the joke,0,en
How do you call a puzzled amputee? Stumped.,1,en
q . why did the belt go to jail? a . because he held up a pair of pants !,0,en
How do Buddhist monks compare interests? With zen diagrams!,1,en
My six year old niece made up this joke. I think she may be a comedic prodigy. Why did the sweater go to boot camp? To warm up!,0,en
what was the weather like at the rap concert? there was a lil wayne .,0,en
"We have a local weatherman who often forecasts ""changeable skies. "" He makes a lot of money to make that call",1,en
What is Lynyrd Skynyrd's favorite video game franchise? Crash Bandicoot,0,en
brother : did you put the cat out? sister : why is it on fire,0,en
lame joke i made one night . what do you get when you mix a cat and a blender? a visit from the cops .,1,en
I heard your mom loves going swimming in the ocean Because that's the best way she keeps her crabs fresh.,0,en
As a man with alzheimer's... As a man with alzheimer's...,1,en
"my wife walked out on me , telling me it was over. i just sat there eating my popcorn , watching the end credits",1,en
"Lee was born without legs, but he was incredibly determined to finish the triathlon. Slow Lee but sure Lee",0,en
What music do girls on their periods listen to? Ragtime,1,en
it's not the amount of followers young grasshopper. it's the quality of followers,1,en
The cops found a dead guy with his head in a tub of Cornflakes. They believe it was the act of a cereal killer.,1,en
did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? she couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread .,0,en
til: captain hook ran an entire pirate ship . he did it single handedly too . he was a bit out of breath afterwards though .,0,en
What's a student's favorite way to tell time? A glock,0,en
"had a fight last night with the wife , she threw a lettuce at me! that's just the tip of the iceberg .",0,en
Apple products Remove the USB port and nobody bats an eye. Remove the headphone jack and everybody loses their minds!,0,en
What part of Popeye will never rust? The part he puts in Olive Oil,1,en
"French girls are great. For example, my French girlfriend taught me how to eat out in the bush",1,en
"""Ladies and Gents. "" That concludes our tour of the toilets",1,en
"How to end a conversation with a really hot girl you befriended online ? Reply: ""I am from Delhi,India.""",0,en
i just finished reading great expectations. it wasn't all i hoped it would be,0,en
"I just put my hair in a bun.  It wasn't very nice, I think I'll try it with a croissant next time.",1,en
"Ah its boxing day and you know what that means, My wife better have dinner ready when I get back.",0,en
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but do you know what two Wrights make? An airplane.",0,en
"A man calls his doctor late at night. ""Doc! My arm got broke in two places! What should I do? !"" The sleepy M.D replies, ""Don't go back to either of them.""",1,en
sometimes i need what only some people can provide: their absence .,0,en
Where can you find people who value dust? Crematoriums.,1,en
Why where the people on the titanic depressed? They had a sinking feeling.,1,en
What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the inside of her coffin.,0,en
Showerthought: We should make an online dating site called eBae.,0,en
"Date: So... Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: ... Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should've used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM",0,en
when do you stop on green and go on red? when you are eating watermelon .,0,en
"We see you, people who order tea at coffee shops. We see you",1,en
how can you tell someone's an atheist? you can't . they'll always tell you first .,1,en
Never date an apostrophe. they can be possessive,1,en
"although not as effective as finger quotes, finger commas and finger periods are way fun .",1,en
If we had gender reveal parties for all the genders known to mankind There would be two amazing parties.,1,en
What role did the man without limbs get in LOTR? Legolas,0,en
what time is it when yo mama sits on a chair? time to buy a new chair .,0,en
What's a pile of dead babies coming out of the oven? Breakfast,0,en
What do you call a Mexican dessert that won't sink? Flanboyant,1,en
"A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes",1,en
"TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel. Whoops, wrong sub",0,en
Where do Microsoft employees go to work? a Microsoft office.,1,en
I've got Alzheimer's. but atleast I don't have Alzheimer's,0,en
Couch What is the difference between me and my couch? My couch will pull out,1,en
"just a reddit joke never mind, i already reddit .",0,en
"my girlfriend says i never take her anywhere expensive, so i took her to the gas station .",1,en
have you seen stevie wonder's new haircut? neither has he .,0,en
why do men like love at first sight? because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth .,1,en
HR: You know why we called you down? Me:Hm. Promotion? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to reporting a hacking,1,en
why do women live longer than men? god gives them the time back they spent parking .,1,en
what is a female journalist returning from india famous for? banged up abroad !,0,en
"If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned ""elemenopee"" wasn't one awesome letter.",1,en
What do you call a bear that is not Jewish? Gentile Ben,1,en
"What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab? ""Looks like you've got me in a pinch.""",1,en
"How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they have machines for that these days",1,en
i can't wait for turkey dinner tomorrow. i love middle eastern food,1,en
What do your sister and snow have in common? I plow both.,1,en
My wife just had our child yesterday For breakfast,0,en
Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners. Son:But Mum I don't want three school dinners one is more than enough !,0,en
Wanna know the difference between a street performer and a hobo? The age,0,en
tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. they won't ever ask about babies,0,en
"Sarah McLachlan should do a commercial but instead of homeless pets in cages, people in cubicles.",1,en
"""Excuse the mess; we had guests,"" I graciously explain, leaving out the ""five months ago"" part.",1,en
I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs. I stand corrected,1,en
machines in a casino do you know which machine is the most likely to pay out? the atm,1,en
"' hey babe , you fancy amazon prime movie and instant video online demand service and chill later? ' no thanks dad",0,en
What do you call a girl who friend zones you? M'lady,1,en
what sound does an octopus make? a squid word .,1,en
What did the USSR and Africa have in common? There was no food in either place. ,1,en
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing,0,en
How often do scientists check the element table? Periodically...,1,en
"guys , no one on twitter cares about what you're doing. they just want to know about how much you hate what you're doing",1,en
what do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear,1,en
Date a girl with multiple personalities So that you get to sleep with more than one every night.,0,en
"What's the best thing to eat when you are hungry? Well, a boiled egg is hard to beat.",1,en
"what do you do if you see a fireman? you put it out , man !",0,en
detective : why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? criminal : you said it was time to spill the beans .,1,en
Why did the photographer fail his test? Because he couldn't FOCUS,1,en
"So John cena wakes up from a coma... He asks the doctor ""where am I? "" The doctor says ""ICU"" And John cena says ""no you don't""",1,en
How are you doing in arithmetic? I've learned to add up the zeros but the numbers are still giving me trouble.,1,en
What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.,0,en
you know what? it's been a good friday .,0,en
"A little fish uwu Once there was a little fish who wanted to be a journalist, he go ""on air"" and died...",1,en
How do you know if a girl is on period? If she is bleeding on her own...,0,en
"What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver? Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows Yeah, I know it's old....",0,en
DIET TIP: Always eat smart. Refuse any food that hasn't scored highly on the SATs and been admitted to an Ivy League school,1,en
"i know i should be searching for my missing friend, but there's a lot of food in his apartment that'll spoil if i don't eat it .",0,en
How does a water bear sleep? It Hydronates,1,en
Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!,1,en
why would bill cosby make a great lawyer? the proof is in the pudding,1,en
What is the hardest race in the world? Driving with a food truck through Africa.,1,en
Who comes up with these names? A casino novice like me can get into real trouble at something called a craps table.,1,en
My iraq dad gave me a bag and told me to walk into the building. He then told me to wait for further instructions.,1,en
There are two types of people in this world. those who like closure,0,en
What is purple and commutes? An Abelian grape!,0,en
I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.  I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.,1,en
Who do penguins celebrate Hanukkah with? The Icebergs,1,en
Why did national geographic go to Atlanta? To find footage of fighting monkeys.,1,en
What is a little Jewish boy doing by the chimney? Waiting for his mother.,1,en
what do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? a funny bunny,1,en
There is a James Brown impersonator in South Korea. He's known as the Godfather of Seoul,1,en
What's Goku's favorite subject? Super Science.,0,en
"I only hire Claustrophobic people, they are so much better at thinking outside of the box.",1,en
"Please take a moment to envision the movie ""Drive, "" but with him only using Zipcars.",0,en
What's the national bird of Afghanistan? A drone.,0,en
"what's the difference between a magician and a psychologist? a magician makes rabbits appear in hats , while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats .",1,en
If you show me an Italian assembly line. I'll show you a well oiled machine,1,en
"What did I say when greeting the fashion designer? ""Nice Jimmy Choo.""",1,en
A house of cards is really fragile One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down,0,en
What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use? Uniball.,1,en
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic? ANKH ANKH!!,0,en
my nephew asked me what marriage was like. so i gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it,1,en
"DECAPITATION. I simply love the word. ""Head over heels"".",1,en
"Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of. oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now",0,en
I have an Elton John pun. It's a little bit funny.,0,en
"When going through TSA inspection at the airport, there's no telling how long it will take... ... All belts are off .",1,en
"Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. ""Why are we running so fast? "" asked one. ""Because"" said the second ""it says 'tear along the dotted line'!""",1,en
"let me make this simple, i want to be invited but i don't want to go .",0,en
Who completes my sentences? Artificial Intelligence.,1,en
do you guys remember that party at bill cosby's last weekend? me neither .,0,en
"so a guy orders a pizza . . threedots they ask him , "" would you like that cut into six pieces or eight? he says , "" oh , six ! i could never eat eight . """,1,en
"do you remember that barbecue? you know , the one where i put my meat on your grill",1,en
What do you do in the event of a school shooting? Reload ,0,en
"My rebellious teenage son robbed our local Chinese food restaurant ""You stole all of their chicken? !"" Tso",1,en
"BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of",1,en
As a tall person. Study finds that shorter men will live longer but taller men have a higher shelf life,1,en
Why was the Gungan sent back in time by the Weeping Angel? He Jar Jar Blinked.,0,en
why does tiger have to take so many baths? because he plays with pooh all day .,1,en
"Hills have eyes. They also have ""L""s",1,en
me : so what are you wearing sexy? collection agency : umm threedots we'll just call back tomorrow,0,en
What's the most popular pokemon in Germany? Kickajew,0,en
"i was awake all night ' cause my neighbor was listening to dubstep threedots threedots and i was lying there, waiting for the other beat to drop .",0,en
"the human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi .",1,en
How do you milk sheeps? With Apple accessories.,1,en
What do you call the system of honour of French horses? Chevalry,1,en
"Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.",1,en
"my daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we're both a little disappointed that it didn't work .",1,en
"So my cousin has bieber fever. Or as it's medically known, Down Syndrome",1,en
Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground? He was a Metro gnome.,1,en
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime? weebo weebo,0,en
I told a joke about Hurricane Katrina the other day. It failed to make a splash,1,en
"Post this on your Facebook then count your programmer friends. My phone is broken, please send me message on my Facebook or my Gmail",0,en
What is the main difference between real numbers and women? Real numbers having period are rational.,1,en
"auto correct doesn't work when i use caps lock. my phone is like "" woah , better let this dude cool down before i tell him he's wrong """,1,en
What do you call an eeve that went through medical school? A Surgeon,1,en
Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie? Because he was arrested for pirating movies since it's illegal!,0,en
Why can't you hear Django coming? The D is silent.,0,en
"Hey, Sean Bean, it's either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can't have it both ways",1,en
"""Can't argue with that! "" he said, pointing to an inanimate object.",0,en
How do you gain over a million followers in just a few days? Walk through Africa with a bottle or water and some loose change,0,en
What's a down syndrome's kids favorite thing to do at prom? Slow Dancing.,0,en
"When my robot left me for Africa I had to ask why. ""Why are you moving there? "" ""Because! Botswana! Duh""",1,en
have you heard about the plant in the maths office? it is growing square roots !,0,en
"is this sub pi? there seems to be an endless supply of jokes , and i swear it's gonna repeat itself at some point .",0,en
i didn't think my son would make a good postman. but he delivered,1,en
why didn't the buddhist monk vacuum under his couch? he had no attachments .,1,en
"when my dogs crawl into bed with me, i like to pretend it's because they love me and not because i am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor",1,en
"dr dog : it says you're here for a blood test . first, some questions . number one : over the last six months who's been a good boy ?",0,en
why did night fall? because day tripped him .,0,en
"Why is Stevie Wonder in camouflage at the Grammys Because if he can't see us, we shouldn't be able to see him.",1,en
"i ate everything, including the h .",1,en
"so i just started my own indoor ship production company. production was great , until sales started going through the roof",1,en
There was a mass shooting at the Gap store this afternoon. They're still counting the casual Tees,1,en
"Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.",1,en
Where did the elephant hide the bodies? In his trunk.,1,en
"What did the rock say when he went metamorphic? ""Holy schist.""",1,en
Why is george floyd not a good football receiver he couldn't even catch his breath,1,en
how do you turn a little boy into a little girl? with a small loan of a million dollars .,0,en
What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce,0,en
who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? the spanish inquisition .,1,en
"how to be a good dj? press "" play "" and don't touch anything ever again",0,en
"I didn't get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I'm pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip.",1,en
I just figured out how to stop a school shooter All I had to do was not bring my gun,1,en
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? They both drop their needles !,0,en
What part of your hand is the most salty? The NaCls,0,en
Why is the rabbi in geometry? To practice circumscribing,1,en
What's Kobe Bryant's least favourite movie quote? Get to the choppa,1,en
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp espressivo'.,0,en
New James Bond films starring Idris Elba Sponsored by KFC,1,en
what's gray and all around? everything . i'm a dog .,0,en
"If you're turning left with your car, which wheel steers less? The spare one! :P",0,en
why don't you eat a girl out first thing in the morning? have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich,1,en
"being poor a man complains to his wife saying , "" we're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes! "" and she says threedots",1,en
Why was the soy sauce early for its appointment? It was actually Tamari,0,en
how should you treat a baby goat? like a kid .,0,en
What do you call someone who throws up after drinking too much orange soda? ... Fantastic,0,en
"My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.",1,en
"no , i said i wanted to bing you on my kitchen counter. you know , the popular search engine ?",0,en
What do you call it when you can't decide between a natural birth and the hospital? A midwife crisis.,1,en
Maybe I'm covered in chameleons right now. I'll never know for sure,1,en
"I eat a wide variety of foods: lasagna, tacos, hamburgers. and dim sum",1,en
why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison? she had gotten him out of a tight spot before .,0,en
What sound is emitted by a drowning mathematician? log log log log log log log log log...,1,en
I don't have to make a joke There's already one down here.,0,en
Did you hear the score of the African basketball game last night? It was eight nothing,1,en
If you ever feel your job is meaningless... Just think of the mods of this sub,0,en
"If I can wear my underwear inside out and backwards all day with no one noticing, how important are they really?",1,en
Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know do you serve crabs? We serve anyone sir! Come on in!,0,en
"If I had a time machine I'd go back and give myself a bunch of incorrect lotto numbers, and teach myself the value of hard work.",1,en
We've updated Skype so you have the latest version. it includes performance improvements and general fixes,0,en
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale...... Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.,0,en
What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter? Camenbert,1,en
"""Never say never"" Why not? You've already said it twice.",0,en
Why we see lightning before we hear thunder? Our eyes is infront of our ears. ,1,en
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common? They both contain high amounts of trans fats.,1,en
"i would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake .",0,en
"Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons? ""He wanted to be a hentertainer.""",1,en
"a man got a vasectomy without telling his wife . when she found out she said "" are you serious? ! "" "" yes , i'm not kidding you . "" he said .",1,en
"i need a filling , but i've been to the dentist before so it's okay. i know the drill",1,en
why did they plant trees in harlem? public transportation .,1,en
What is the most independent kind of cheese? Prov alone.,1,en
mars: I'm wet. NASA: I'm coming over,1,en
why do they call them light bulbs? they don't weigh very much,1,en
"To those that say I'm Cancer I'm not Cancer, I'm Aquarius!",0,en
I couldn't figure out why my computer mouse want working. Then it clicked.,0,en
"What are the similarities and differences between a Jew and a safe? Both of them can safely keep the money, but only one of them is fireproof",1,en
The best part about a stillborn Is that they don't run.,1,en
What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated? Discuss,1,en
""" how did the blind girl explain her pregnancy? "" she said she didn't see him coming",1,en
Why do wrestlers love video games? Because of the lutte,1,en
What does German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer call it when he takes a dump and there is nothing on the toilet paper after wiping? A clean sheet.,1,en
"i'm up all night to get lucky, my dog that ran away",0,en
I would do anything... To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef? A humburger.,1,en
"Apparently, Kobe Bryant was named after a steak. Fittingly, he's now ground beef...",1,en
i broke my can opener threedots threedots i guess it was a can't opener. source : happened when i tried to open a can of soup this morning,0,en
i had to do a problem involving air resistance for my physics homework this week. it was a huge drag,1,en
"i think threedots therefore, i'm single .",0,en
Which Lord of the Rings movie do Muslims like most? The Two Towers,1,en
my boss : why are you sleeping at your desk? ! me : because my bed is at home .,0,en
"there was a black out last night. don't worry , we got him",0,en
what kind of books do fruit read? pulp fiction,1,en
"What are four ways of spreading information that begins with ""tel""? Telephone, telegram, television, and tell a woman.",1,en
did you know there are only two lawyer jokes? the rest are all true .,1,en
"Q: What county in Ireland hates ""South Park? "" A: Killkenny.",0,en
"what happens when you throw a laptop into the ocean? you have a dell , rolling in the deep .",0,en
"Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.",1,en
"jeremy clarkson decided not to stay with top gear, but james may",0,en
Did you hear Justin Timberlake is making a new song based on Oscar Pistorious? It's called Cry Me A Reeva,1,en
"Email subject line: ""Your invited. "" Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e",0,en
An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but... It was just a pigment of his imagination ,1,en
Did you hear about the horse that could read and write? He was a stable genius.,1,en
"how much did santa pay for his sleigh? nothing , because it was on the house !",0,en
What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger!,1,en
Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays. Free of charge,0,en
"a man takes his wife out to dinner one night . the wife says, "" i want you to treat me like a princess . "" the husband drives his mercedes into a wall .",1,en
Whats the best part about having a dog with Parkinson? You don't have to teach them to shake.,1,en
What is the best city to stream a movie? Buffa lo,0,en
I love babies. How many inches should she be dilated before I start warming up the oven?,0,en
"""You ask."" ""No, you ask!"" ""Will you please ask?"" ""Why can't you ask?"" ""Fine... Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!""",0,en
There's a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on. He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.,0,en
"one cool thing about marriage is that when you hate each other, the marriage keeps you together until you like each other again .",1,en
What do you call the type of nut that has facial hair? Moustachio,1,en
"Basic Instinct Star Cast in ""The Carpenters"" Biopic This summer: SHARON IS KAREN",1,en
What happens to a tipped cow? They can't MOOve,1,en
I think my mother's got a holding your breath underwater competition coming up. Dad was just training her in the toilet bowl.,0,en
"i recently got a rescue dog , but i'm not real happy with him. when i got lost while hiking , he was no help at all",1,en
What do you call a dehydrated frenchman? Pierre,1,en
Why are proteins so bad at poker? They always fold.,1,en
"Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.",1,en
q : what does a blonde make best for dinner? a : reservations .,0,en
What did the Gregorian monk say when he was kicked out of the monastery? Give me one more chants!,0,en
why do birds fly south for the winter? because its too far to walk !,1,en
"i always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy .",1,en
"if e.t . is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal ?",1,en
apple said they are building a new car. apple said they are building a new car but they are having trouble installing windows,0,en
"My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell",0,en
The Special Olympics is like Nascar. You're not watching it for the race,1,en
"they say real women have curves. well , then , the lady in front of me at starbucks is a real , real , real , real , real , real , real , real woman",1,en
"I'll always remember the day my wife said ""yes"" to my proposal. And I'll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on",1,en
What kind of pants does agent Mulder wear? Just a pair 'a normal pants.,0,en
"my dad said "" do your chemistry homework , okay? "" potassium",1,en
What's the worlds strongest animal? A 'buff'alo,0,en
"I started a dating app called ""Nightmare"" For the horse lovers",1,en
Why are ducks good at playing limbo? Because they get down,1,en
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week. Me: These are my clothes,0,en
I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class. It's about thyme,1,en
What did EA give Sean Murray for a parting gift upon leaving EA? Game dev lessons.,0,en
"Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.",0,en
"in germany, we know of a joke the french military .",1,en
how did the hipster drown? by swimming in the main stream .,1,en
"how about i slip down your chimney, at half past midnight ?",0,en
Littlefoot walks into a petting zoo. He's trying to find Ducky,1,en
What does rope and letter e got in common? They are both used to end life,1,en
"What do you call Bruce Lee's mom when she's making obvious statements? A parent, Lee.",1,en
"Today I purchased a cherry tree and a firecracker.  Bought a Bing, bought a boom.",0,en
What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal? A very upset child.,1,en
Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!,0,en
My grandfather stopped smoking twenty years ago today. I'll never forget that house fire.,0,en
"I couldn't tell if I brushed my teeth with tooth paste or shamoo last night I hope it was the former, not the lather.",1,en
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator.,1,en
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent. He should see my new mouse pad.,0,en
What happens when you tell a joke about someone jumping off a building? It falls flat,1,en
"after samsung phones , now samsung washing machines are exploding. samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after us and russia",1,en
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner? The placement of the dirt bag.,1,en
what are your favorite jokes for the holidays? for those of us that struggle with our family perhaps this will help break the ice .,1,en
Why are some people against stem cells? They're vegetarians.,1,en
What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win? Atrophy.,0,en
GTA V for the PC is taking so long to release. all of the radio stations will play classic hits,1,en
Why are ghosts always dehydrated? They have a lot of boos but no water,1,en
"Why did helium get into a fight with neon? They can't bond with each other, no matter how hard they try.",1,en
"I told my Chinese friend that I like homemade gifts. So for Christmas he gave me an iPhone, iPad and an iMac",0,en
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude's castle far too often to be a coincidence,1,en
A crane fell in NYC today today a friend told me. I asked if it was Niles or Frasier,1,en
"this soup tastes funny customer : waiter , this soup tastes funny . waiter : funny? but then why aren't you laughing",1,en
what do you fire from underwater guns? seashells,1,en
What do you call a squadron of baby soldiers? Infantry.,1,en
what's a poor person favorite meal? sleep .,0,en
What separates the lower class people from the upper class? My basement. ,1,en
what do gamers make for new years? a new years resolution,0,en
I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer... I have a Czech one too...,1,en
i am going to start a website to review vietnamese restaurants. it's going to be called friend or pho,1,en
question : what's the major cause of divorce? answer : once is not enough .,1,en
"What do teachers and school shooters have in common? As soon as they show up in school, everyone is silent.",1,en
Wath is the cows favorite place? The mooon,0,en
"english , if i ran it: a group of geese is called a "" group "" a group of buffalo is called a "" group "" a group of catfish is called a "" group """,1,en
why did subway take jared so seriously? it was obvious he was kidding .,1,en
professional wrestler name : office max. signature move : three hole punch,1,en
What's the name of that German Video game with the polite gorilla? Danke Kong,0,en
Someone came into my house and stole all my lamps I was delighted,1,en
What do you call a painter that loves running through the grass? Jackson Frolic,1,en
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. Because I have no idea where sandwiches live,1,en
did you hear about the confused question mark? he couldn't figure out how he got a period .,1,en
"knock, knock . who's there ? owls . owls who ? yes . yes they do .",0,en
"It's too bad Batman's real name wasn't Bruce Bates, then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time.",0,en
"""Inside Amy Schumer"" is funny. As it's a show I never wish to watch, and a place I never wish to be",1,en
teacher : what is the most common phrase used in school? pupil : i don't know teacher : correct !,1,en
For all you World of Tanks players: what does LTP stand for? LeichtTractor Premium,0,en
I'm giving up on the argument. From now on I will pronounce it 'gif',0,en
I like my girl like I like. Reddit Unexpectedly down on me,0,en
My cousin got declared positive for coronavirus three days after his death No wonder I heard coughing in his grave,1,en
"if you're ever cold , stand in a corner. it's always ninety degrees",1,en
Look at the name 'Morgan Freeman' and then TRY not to read things in Morgan Freeman's voice. See? You can't.,0,en
"SNL contacted me about being a writer, and I was like ""Pfft. I got my own gig"" and they were like ""BEEP BEEP BEEP"" because my alarm went off",1,en
How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber? Raisin' Bran.,1,en
How come does Luke Skywalker does not have a girlfriend? He was looking for love in Alderaan places,1,en
"In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones",0,en
why did the boy put candles on the toilet? he wanted to have a birthday potty !,0,en
Where does Optimus Prime go for cosmetic repairs? To the autobotty shop!,0,en
What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? Eiffel.,0,en
"Why did Anne Sullivan decide on ""water ""for Helen Keller's first word? It was a test she could pass.",1,en
"don't bite the hand that feeds you, but don't bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread .",1,en
A conversation between me and my dad... Dad: What do you want with your cookies? Me: milk,0,en
What did Brad Pitt in Seven and Harvey Weinstein in real life both get? Gwyneth Paltrow's head.,0,en
my body is like a greek statue. even if the staff at the museum don't think so,1,en
"Trick or treat Trick, now take off your shirt",0,en
Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay? Because it was a freight!,0,en
why are there no hand paintings from the old west? because they could only draw guns .,1,en
"house painter i was a house painter for five years, i never thought i was going to get that house painted .",1,en
I like musical dramas. They really strike a chord with me,1,en
"somebody told me this really good joke the other day. you shoulda been there , it was hilarious",0,en
Etika is in smash guys! His final smash is super jump,1,en
"I love trading things. They all say something like,""Please dont.""",0,en
"just like my refrigerator threedots i open reddit, just to be disappointed and close it .",0,en
I recently adopted an African child He was only seven pounds. Plus shipping and packaging. If only they poked holes in the box. ,1,en
"my cat was looking for a place to sleep today, all she kneaded was my lap .",0,en
"I went to the doctors recently He said: 'Don't eat anything fatty' I said: 'What, like bacon and burgers? ' He said, 'No. Fatty, don't eat anything.""",1,en
Ha jamming I was wondering why my printer was making music The paper was jamming,1,en
why didn't the christmas cake go to the dance? he had his raisins threedots,0,en
Procrastinators be like; Sofa so good My attempt on pun,1,en
q : what did the hurricane say to the other hurricane? a : i have my eye on you .,0,en
"Welcome to Feng Shui Club, and I'm very happy to accept the position of the chair.",0,en
"I went to a library to look for a bible So I asked at the desk: ""Where is the science fiction section?""",1,en
"Some guys think sweaters are sexy, but I don't like girls who sweat more than the usual amount.",1,en
"What's the difference between young girls and photographs? After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.",1,en
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt.,1,en
"negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick",1,en
"just went to the dentist. he's a pretty average , normal guy so i assume he'd be one of the four out of five",1,en
"he died doing what he loved, surprising tigers .",0,en
I'm great in bed. I can sleep for days,0,en
Bulimia can lead to tooth loss. What throws up must gum down.,1,en
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is the only movie I've ever cried to. I laughed so hard I cried,0,en
What did Spock find in the toilet? Captain's log.,0,en
"What did T say to reassure V? ""Don't worry. I'm right behind U.""",0,en
how does batman store energy? in batteries,1,en
"my dad called to ask if sending an email to the usa costs more. i told him a lot more , better not risk it",0,en
How do Egyptians warn each other about a spreading fire? Pyroglyphs.,1,en
A guy drove his expensive car into a tree. That's when he learned how the Mercedes bends,1,en
Pokemon Black and White My favorite game.,0,en
Study indicates Percussion as cause of Hard Drive failure. Whacked Drives Shatter,1,en
"Why do Cyclops have trouble spelling Hawaii? You need two ""i's""",1,en
"attention girl : why do you look so sad? boy explains his whole problem girl : oh , that's why you didn't notice my nail paint",1,en
breaking news : a man has drowned in a bowl of cheerios. ironically his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye,1,en
"It's my daughter's birthday today... ...so I wrapped up some batteries, with a note saying, ""Toys not included!""",0,en
Where could you look up Joan of Arc's profile? On Tinder.,0,en
Terrible news...... I hear there's a dyke in northern Ireland with a hole in it .,0,en
"it's a man's job to respect a woman. but , it's a woman's job to give him something to respect threedots",0,en
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big Mcsteak,1,en
What is Snoopy's favorite Japanese dish? Snushi.,0,en
What do a Harvard lawyer and a Yale lawyer have in common? They both got accepted to Yale.,1,en
"Meet George Jetson His Boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Just kidding, obviously. I'll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.",0,en
What did Ned Stark say when his daughter told him that she was pregnant? Are ya,0,en
how do you separate the men from the boys in the navy? with a crowbar .,1,en
"When I went to chemistry class for the first time, I was not surprised. The classroom poster was periodictable",1,en
"what did the astronaut from aa say in space? "" houston , i have a problem . """,1,en
what has a bottom at its top? a leg .,1,en
Did you hear Caitlyn Jenner got a new cat? It's a rottweiler.,0,en
"men have feelings too. for example , sometimes we feel hungry",1,en
Why should you torrent only from French sites? Because it'll run faster.,0,en
him : how much do you love me? me : a bit more than pizza . him : me : but not as much as coffee .,0,en
"Why do big trucks have nuts on the trailer hitch, but no shaft? Because the prick's behind the wheel",1,en
"fact : when a dog barks at you , it's actually their skeleton barking. proof : i have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark",0,en
Why can't the porcelain king go to the bathroom? He was dethroned.,0,en
"What did the birthday balloon say to the pin? ""Hi Buster.""",0,en
why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors? because he wanted to hide in the crayon box .,1,en
How do you milk a sheep and make a profit? Remove the audio jack,0,en
Things you can say about your phone and your wife. I let my friends use it after I come all over it. ,0,en
"""Daddy, why is it dark at night? "" It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.",0,en
what will tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents? an elf driving car,0,en
Q: What do you call a clock on the moon? A: A lunartick.,0,en
what is the easiest way to get a small fortune? you start with a large one .,1,en
What's Jerry Lewis's favorite vitamin? riboFLAVIN,0,en
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park? Ask them for their watergraph.,0,en
"What did Julius Ceaser say when he bedded a woman? I saw, I conqured, I came.",1,en
This post doesn't have any purpose. so why you still reading,0,en
What's the most popular contraceptive in Israel? Iron condome,1,en
Who represents a Ghost in court? A Paralegal.,1,en
My grandfather could never throw anything away. That's why he died in the war holding a hand grenade,1,en
"DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic. When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said ""never play yourself.""",1,en
"Lori Loughlin was fired from Hallmark channel... ...They sent her a card. ""Best wishes for your college experience.""",0,en
What was the last thing someone using their phone in the twin tower saw? Connect to airplane wifi?,0,en
"omg , you guys , there's a button on this stove that says "" stop time "". should i press it ?",0,en
If Facebook buys Gmail.... If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.,0,en
Have you ever... Have you ever tossed someone's salad and forgot you had a peanut allergy?,0,en
Why don't women propose to men? Because the guy'd always be disappointed when she took out a ring.,1,en
where do bees keep their money? in a honey box .,1,en
What's the difference between a native and a park bench? The park bench can support a family,1,en
What changes faster than technology? Taylor Swifts boyfriend,0,en
"new food naming trend at the office, today i ate a sandwich named steve .",1,en
My mom told me I have to eat my vegetables That was the day we lost grandma.,0,en
What's Rickon Starks favourite band? One Direction,0,en
are instant noodles male or female? male . cause they get ready in a couple of minutes .,0,en
Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.,1,en
you guys wanna hear a nice joke? nevermind it's probably too soon .,0,en
Why didnt jesus turn all the oceans into drinkable water? Because his story would make sense.,0,en
I was wondering why a fire truck was in front of a theater close to me last night. I suppose it was Catching Fire,1,en
"I've always wanted to own a funeral home.... With the slogan, ""We love it when business is dead.""",1,en
I made a salad yesterday. It wasn't very good. So I tossed it.,1,en
what do you call a belt made of dollar bills? a waist of money .,1,en
Captain America Civil War Joke. What's War Machines favorite dance move? The Crawlington,0,en
What's Kobe Bryant's favorite action movie? Skyfall,0,en
What is the most popular bank in Wales? Welsh Fargo... ...gramps made me do it.,1,en
What's the difference between an American and a computer? A computer have trouble shooting,1,en
"the difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room",1,en
Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake,0,en
When you watch tv with the closed captioning on. You've got to take their word for it,1,en
she wants to share a facebook account? run .,0,en
What do you call a chain of singing islands? An acapellago.,1,en
what is the difference between a chihuahua humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg? the pit bull gets to finish .,1,en
Women always say they want security. When I'm around,1,en
"How can the eurologist tell if he is looking at a man or woman? Well, there is a vast difference.",1,en
"What do an abortion, my school prom, and the recent event in the Philadelphia Synagogue have in common? At least one dead child.",1,en
"Girl, if I could rearrange the alphabet I probably wouldnt: I'm not that smart and people are already mad at me from other stuff I did",0,en
Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed? Because he sleeps on a waterbed !,0,en
What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch,0,en
"After just starting uni, I have decided I don't like referencing. I don't like it et al",0,en
Did you hear about the flag's birthday? It was a Happy one!,0,en
How do you get the largest fan following? Run in Africa with a water bottle in your hand.,0,en
what did the comedian eat on easter? hot cross puns .,1,en
What kind of cheese did Medusa eat? Gorgon zola.,1,en
How did Djengis Khan found Mongolia? One steppe at a time.,1,en
"i wanted to go to college to be a farmer. but , they didn't have a degree in that field",1,en
"the older i get, the more understandable britney's meltdown seems to me",1,en
Whenever you find four Priests. you'll find a Fifth,1,en
Claustrophobic people are more productive. Thinking outside the box,1,en
how many times can look at the sun with a telescope? you can do this twice . one time with you right eye and one with your left !,0,en
"Every year Santa seems to skip Indonesia. But to make up for it, he gives them a big wave.",1,en
"oh . awesome . a gift card . it's like money, but i can only spend it where you thought i'd like to .",0,en
"an essay is like a girl's skirt threedots it should be long enough to cover the important parts, but short enough to still be interesting .",1,en
"When I said that you'd always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway ... You can't stay here.",0,en
I love Al Pacino. But it's his brother Cap that really gets me going,0,en
Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.,0,en
i just had a baby! it was delicious .,0,en
""" mom , i found out i had colon cancer today. "" "" really ? what are the symptoms ? "" "" why do i always have to start a list threedots """,0,en
"What do condoms and coffins have in common? Both are filled with stiffs, but one's coming and the other's going.",1,en
I cant stop eating ice cream. It's a rocky road to addiction,0,en
How do you call playing games while it snows heavily? Blizzard Entertainment.,1,en
what's the difference between me and my new couch? the couch pulls out threedots,0,en
My blonde gf thinks. My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails,0,en
"hey, can everyone stop making new movies and tv shows for a while so i can catch up ?",0,en
"Finally saw ""The Price Is Right"" with the new host. Maybe it's the glasses, but Drew Barrymore looks really different",1,en
What did the piston say to the freely expanding gas? No pressure,1,en
why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them,1,en
"There is a chair. And it is walking, down the street, with shoes",0,en
"Catholic church must be serious. Everything with Mass has gravity, after all",1,en
What brand of shoes do chickens wear? Reebok bok bok,1,en
"""Mommy I don't like Grandma..."" ""That's okay sweetie, just eat your vegetables then.""",0,en
what do you call a plant getting kidney surgery? a transplant,1,en
How do small people call each other? On microphones.,1,en
"What did Hamlet say when he heard dubstep for the first time? ""Aye, there's the wub""",1,en
"When given the choice, you should never pull out. Just look at Steve Irwin.",0,en
"every time i pick up my phone after dropping it, i feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test .",1,en
National no bra day wasn't as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support,1,en
it matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether i win or lose .,0,en
"I used to sleepwalk all the time, but now I mix in a little sleepweightlifting a few times a week.",1,en
What's a Jamaican's favorite brand of paint? Benjammin Moore mon,0,en
Are your parents bakers? Cause youre inbread.,0,en
"How does Lady Gaga like her... ...Steaks? . . . Raw, Raw, Raw Raw Raw!",0,en
"I'd like to tell you about two things: reverse psychology and recycling. But, nah, Reddit wouldn't wanna hear it",0,en
The person who owns Hovis is from my local area. Born and bred,1,en
Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music? They both ain't got the same Seoul.,0,en
"saw a pretty girl , asked her , "" whats your sign? "" she said stop .",0,en
"You don't need to write ""imo"". Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche",1,en
"i've quit my new job as a postman . they handed me my first letter to deliver , i looked at it and thought: "" this isn't for me . """,1,en
a guy walks out from home threedots i bet you were waiting for a small line of text. here ya go,0,en
"people keep asking me today "" so you have a new boss? "" no , i'm still with my wife .",1,en
want to hear a joke about coffee? decaf .,0,en
What chews on trees and sings? Justin Beaver,0,en
With all these regulations and safety hazards about burgers. Rare meat is hard to find,1,en
"hellen keller was the first person to go to disney land. don't worry , she didn't know it either",0,en
Don't you hate it when you can't find a really great joke you saw a few weeks ago that you really liked? It makes it really hard to repost.,0,en
What's grandma's favorite seasoning? Old Bae,0,en
Ima dad that got his hairs cut yesterday. I felt a bit lightheaded this morning,0,en
"My aunt got an abortion the other day Cant decide whether to go for a ""Congratulations"" card or a ""Sorry for your loss""",0,en
how do you weight a fish? with a scale .,1,en
What do you call SLaves Cum? Whipped Cream,1,en
how do you make a rabbit stew? keep it waiting .,0,en
"I went to the library the other day. but I couldn't get in, it was fully booked",0,en
Why did Snoop Dogg go to the store before he sculpted his statue? Fo' chisel.,0,en
what word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? incorrectly .,1,en
What do you call a person with no legs and chronic diarrhoea? A broken fountain.,1,en
Why is the middle east the best place to open a store at the moment? Because business is booming.,1,en
what word becomes shorter when you add two letters? short .,1,en
"They are investigating Princes death. They dusted for prince, but found him face down in the corner",0,en
Whats the difference between my wrist and some rope? I dont cut the rope,0,en
What city has the biggest amount of mistakes per capita? Uppsala,0,en
What's a mailmans favorite organ? Da Liver,0,en
How do you know your fridge is going through menopause? It's all out of eggs..,0,en
Phil Spector's brother I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers,1,en
"I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no. he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair",0,en
Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station.,1,en
I Dropped Out of Elementary School Because of Recess. I don't play games,1,en
why did the hipster cross the road? to get to a place you've probably never heard of .,0,en
What is the most popular drink in India? Dirty water,1,en
life on a trampoline isn't that bad. it's got its ups and downs,1,en
"I like my women like I like my radiators Hot, easy to turn on, and bolted to the floor. ",0,en
What's one difference between this subreddit and my parents marriage My parents marriage actually got fixed,0,en
q : how do you sink a polish ship? a : put it in water .,0,en
Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly... Student: A dead bird.,0,en
"Bad news is I'm not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart",1,en
"What did the three holes in the ground say? Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.",0,en
Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money? In a shavings account.,1,en
"stop saying: "" that's what she said "" and say "" threedots said the priest to his lawyer "" instead",1,en
have you heard about the movie director from space? woody alien,0,en
Man who run behind truck. get exhausted,0,en
He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo! ' behind horses.,0,en
i've got a joke. so the other day i found out i'm really bad at telling stories,1,en
"Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.",0,en
"My wife went to see a spiritualist last week. I asked her ""how did you rate her? "" She said ""medium.""",1,en
"excuse me ladies, but my eyes are up here .",1,en
"A man goes to his doctor and says; Doc I think I'm addicted to twitter. Doc: Sorry, I don't follow you",0,en
Guy says to homeless woman: Can I take ya home? Homeless woman: Smiles and says yes.. but stops smiling when he walks away with her cardboard mat,1,en
"About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard...  After that, he went downhill fast.",0,en
"What's the difference between kindergaten and this sub? Users here are the admins of kindergaten, mods are the children.",0,en
Why can't Iron Man stay in a steady relationship? He has rust issues.,1,en
Where does an atom go when it breaks down? A quantum mechanic. lel,0,en
what do you get when you run over a goose? goose bumps .,0,en
"Guy goes to the doctor and says, "" I cnat siht! "" The doctor says, ""Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements.""",1,en
what do you call a sleepy tumblr user? napkin .,1,en
I just melted an ice cube by staring at it...  It took a bit longer than I thought it would though.,0,en
When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow into pasture.,1,en
What did Judas say after capturing Jesus? Nailed it.,1,en
What's the difference between a baby and and egg? The egg doesn't cry when I put it in the microwave to watch it explode.,1,en
On Christmas morning I want to eat Eggs Benedict out of a hubcap. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise,1,en
"good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children's bicycle , you're probably in a bad neighborhood .",1,en
hey buddy i was reminded of you this morning. but then i flushed the toilet and went on about my business,0,en
I was about to phone it in on this math problem... But then I got a reciprocal.,0,en
"Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over. Sorry for the repost",0,en
q : what's an accordion good for? a : learning how to fold a map .,0,en
"they ran out of bread at the indian restaurant , but it turned out nobody cared. it was a naan issue",1,en
"Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing ""you Two look fantastic. "" on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it",1,en
"A tiger got his tail caught in a lawn mower... He looked at it and said, ""It won't be long now....""",1,en
Have you seen www.blottingpaper.com? Yes I found it very absorbing.,0,en
"i was gonna take a selfie, but i just checked the mirror and i still have the same face .",0,en
What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common? They both think outloud.,1,en
"Disabled When I realise I'd never be able to talk again, I was speechless.",1,en
make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room,0,en
"if you watch jeopardy backwards , it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. that is all",0,en
If you took the tartness out of a lime and later put it back would the lime be retarted? Yes...yes it would...,1,en
what do you call a fake spaghetti? an impasta,1,en
"Dear Apple, Sorry to hear that you're still figuring out how cell phones work.",0,en
How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez.,0,en
Why are eagles so hard to find? They're always in diskies,1,en
What do you get when you cross a lion and a grizzly bear? Eaten.,0,en
What does acne and a priest have in common? They both come on twelve year old boys faces.,1,en
The moment you realise. The new COD has space battles and Star Wars battlefront doesn't,0,en
some people are legally blind. what happens to the illegally blind ?,1,en
out of all the lies ive told just kidding is my favorite. i don't get it ?,0,en
"Yesterday Hans told me to turn on the dryer again, I got confused cause Anne was already burned enough.",0,en
a woman is like a shadow : when you walk from behind she runs away. when you run from her follows you behind,1,en
""" i'd like a bowl of soup please . "" "" any sides? "" "" i hope so , or it'll go everywhere . """,0,en
my girlfriend said i have crusty feet. i blame my socks,1,en
"I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.",1,en
War is not about who is right But who is left. ,0,en
Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife!,0,en
What was the sale in Jewish circumsicions? Buy one get one half off,1,en
What's a Frenchman's favourite social media button? Retweet.,0,en
"Three types of people... There are three types of people in this world. Those who are odd, and those who literally can't even.",0,en
"I used to wonder why anime was so different from cartoons, Then I realized that anime is just nuked cartoons",1,en
What do Anne Frank and Bin Laden have in common? They're both hide and seek champions!,0,en
"Some days I think my mental health is coming along nicely, other days I'm vaguely jealous of turtles.",1,en
I was going to tell an original joke about fences. but then I decided to repost,1,en
What is the TV show about playing hide and seek with your uncle? Naked and Afraid,0,en
I'm in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend. Haven't laughed in two years,0,en
Let's discuss a classic tune: Paint it Black What do you think of this song? ,1,en
status: using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so i can open my car cuz i think i left my phone in there .,0,en
What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.,1,en
"Did you know that no matter how much you move a piece of paper, It remains stationary...",0,en
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon,1,en
I lost my job as a stage designer today...  I left without making a scene...,0,en
The surgeon that performed my liposuction is a really nice guy. But I wish he'd get out more.,1,en
"Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.",0,en
why did the gynecologist take a vacation out of the country? to study abroad .,1,en
The thing about antivax jokes They never get old,1,en
"Ordering at Chipotle: ""With white rice."" ""Brown?"" ""No, white. And chicken."" ""Steak?"" ""No, chicken. And medium salsa."" ""Mild?"" ""No, medium.""",1,en
"Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell ""WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN? "" until they got some answers.",1,en
"Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what's wrong, but I'm not falling for it",1,en
Shoutout to. Shoutout to my grandpa because that's the only way he can hear,0,en
"throughout my entire life, there have always been two things i can count on my hands",1,en
you never see a church with free wifi. i guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works,0,en
"Once upon a time there lived in a certain village a little country girl, the prettiest creature who was ever seen.  Then she grow up.",0,en
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!,1,en
"Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying ""Cancer"" on boxes replace it with the word ""Acne""",1,en
"i have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad",1,en
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones? Hush puppies !,0,en
"At a live orchestra, and lightening strikes, who gets hit first? The Conductor",1,en
why did the phone wear glasses? he lost his contacts .,1,en
what does an engineer use for birth control? their personality .,1,en
"if facebook has proved anything, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met .",0,en
"my son ran away again , but it gets worse. he changed the wifi password before he left",0,en
Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor? He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.,0,en
I was having trouble starting my Venn Diagram. But now it's all coming together,0,en
boss : why aren't you working? me : i didn't see you coming !,0,en
NASA finally completes plan to colonise moon. M:O:O:N,1,en
"Roses are. Roses are grey, Violets are grey, i'm colourblind, and Canadian, eh",0,en
What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don't know about you is what makes you interesting,1,en
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot in the foxhole? Because Donald ducked.,0,en
"As a software developer, I like my bugs how I like my women Unable to reproduce.",1,en
"an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear. btw ur neighbor might come as well",0,en
"chuck norris got bored of life, so he invented ebola .",1,en
"i wish it was my job to sit around laughing at tweets all day. actually , he is unaware , but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway",1,en
what do you call an old man's hard on? petrified wood .,1,en
How does a duck swim from one side of the pond to the other? Very Quackly,1,en
I once had to skip class because I had hypothermia. I was too cool for school.,1,en
How do you say thank you to a New York sushi chef? Gracias.,0,en
"i've been thinking about getting a tattoo and i've finally decided on this one. i don't know what it means , but it looks really cool !",0,en
"i'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. perhaps you should have just once seen in me , the man i am",0,en
"When god created France it was beautiful, and great. The rest of the world was so jeaulous...so to make it equal god created French People.",0,en
What do you call a genetically engineered cow? A mootant.,1,en
how do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing? hey ! do you want to buy a chicken !,0,en
"if you cut your goat in half you'll have two goats, that's just simple math .",1,en
"me : i have to lose weight . me : i'm gonna exercise everyday . me : i'm gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym . me : is that cake ?",1,en
what did the doe say when she walked out of the bushes? i'll never do that for two bucks again .,0,en
"What do you call salesman with a lisp? Rodger. He's the one with the lisp, not you, so why would you call him anything different",1,en
Which is quicker a neonatal death or death of a girl child? Who cares.,0,en
"i've noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet . nice, i didn't know you played . i'm looking to trade my nana card .",0,en
"though my heart is a fist, i really do my girlfriend",1,en
What do you call seven dead kids and one wounded kid? An unfinished job.,1,en
Why do they call it the circle of life? Because it has no point,1,en
"teacher : if a chicken give you meat , a pig give you bacon , what does a fat cow give you? student : homework !",0,en
What's the friendzone for family members? The North,1,en
"what did the horse say to santa? nothing , horses can not speak .",1,en
I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works But it just went over his head,0,en
What's a comedian's favorite candy? Laffy Taffy.,0,en
Does anyone else have a really hard time having a conversation on a carousel? I always feel like I'm talking in circles.,1,en
What do you call a stolen Tesla Car? Edison.,1,en
Tossed and turned all night. I gotta stop moisturizing with salad dressing,0,en
What does Speedy Gonzalez keep under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay!,0,en
"life hack tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush . they don't even check , they just give you a brand new one! it's so sweet",0,en
Want to hear a good physics pun? It's relatively funny.,1,en
last night i wrote myself a letter. but i forgot to sign it and now i don't know who it's from,1,en
Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts? It's usually just nunsense!,1,en
My girlfriend is a sweetheart. That explains why her milk is so tasty,1,en
Did you hear about the group of geologists? They formed a Rock Band.,1,en
whats the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates .,0,en
"I lost my slaves last month But thankfully, the AutoMod helped me find them! Thanks AutoMod!",0,en
what happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down? he fell on his ash .,0,en
I'll do anything to prove I'm not lazy. I'll go the whole three yards,0,en
king arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. the carpenter had cut some corners,1,en
an ideal homework excuse teacher : where is your homework? pupil : i was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything i had,1,en
Me: I feel skinnier today! Scale: Nope.,0,en
q : when was the longest day in the bible? a : the day adam was created because there was no eve .,0,en
"I was driving one day and saw a field full of scrawny cows, and thought... ... so THAT's where beef jerky comes from.",1,en
what do catholics and guitar players have in common? neither of them practice .,1,en
boy to friend : i'm sorry i won't be able to go out after school. i promised dad that i would stay in and help him with my homework,0,en
"Did you hear about the pillow factory that blew up last week? There was a big panic at first, but it's all settled down now.",1,en
Did Abraham's brother have any kids? Yes. A Lot.,0,en
why did god make man before woman? you need a rough draft before you have a final copy .,0,en
"Normal People: ""Alright, time to go to bed."" Insomniacs: ""Let's yeet these sheets!"" ",1,en
How does a turtle grate cheese? Shredder,0,en
Hand Sanitizer: Helping us discover paper cuts we never knew we had,1,en
Mrs Claus hospitalised with severe cramps. Heavy Christmas period to blame,1,en
How important is flossing? Is it actually needed?,0,en
how many apples grow on trees? all of them,1,en
"In poland stainless steel is a lot cheaper. However it only applies to the version made in their own country, Stainless Steel Polish",1,en
Why didn't British explorers dig latrines? They had pith helmets.,1,en
"Neckbeard goes to the doctor, feeling abnormal. He had a ma'lady",1,en
"Two nuns are riding their bikes somewhere... One of the nuns says ""I've never come this way before! "" Other nun says ""Must be the cobblestones.""",1,en
In any kind of relationship. you learn more about someone at the end of that relationship than at the beginning,0,en
I'm Vietnamese and if I got a nickel for every time someone asked me if I do nails... I wouldn't have to do nails anymore.,1,en
why did the tomato cross the road? to become ketchup,0,en
what did the baby corn say to the mom corn? where is popcorn,0,en
What do planets do to follow each other on SpaceTube? Sunscribe.,1,en
what did saddam hussein say every time he played pool? i rack .,1,en
what did the depressed light switch say? i can't go on .,0,en
i have a nice body. it's out in the trunk,1,en
"after his wedding, chuck norris sent "" you're welcome "" cards to all of his guests .",1,en
i went to see my doctor to get my prostate checked. he gave me the thumbs up,1,en
"my wife asked me to teach her to use the snowblower threedots i said, "" how about we start with the vacuum "" .",1,en
how many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger? only one threedots if no one is looking !,0,en
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? Tweetie Pie !,1,en
Whats the difference between a toddler and a lamp? Lamps don't turn me on.,1,en
I'm reading a book about sufferers of tourettes syndrome. I want to know what makes them tic,1,en
"I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.",0,en
What is Stephen Hawking known for? skipping leg day,0,en
which class the the flash hated the most while in college? physics threedots,0,en
"if your wife says "" what would you do without me? "" "" live happily ever after "" is not the correct answer .",1,en
what turns you on the most? water . it makes me wet instantly .,0,en
pro tip: don't fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her .,0,en
"What did the manager say to his new Chinese intern? How, are you",1,en
What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other?  Gluten tag,1,en
What do you call women's history? Period of time.,1,en
What do spiders eat in France? French flys,1,en
Why shouldn't you iron a shamrock? Because you don't want to press your luck!,0,en
What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date? A sunken chest with no booty.,0,en
What do you do if your in the way of stampeding cows? Take away their credit cards so they can't charge,1,en
How does Stevie Wonder check Facebook? With his EyePhone,0,en
"Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before",0,en
how do you know when the moon is going broke? when it's down to its last quarter .,0,en
"Saw a Mexican lady driving around with a ""Jesus"" bumper sticker. Can't tell if she loves Jesus or is really supportive of her husband",1,en
"According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.",1,en
What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast? Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww,0,en
What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua because it knows all the shortcuts!,0,en
What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat? Pounce...,0,en
"I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like ""Let's name it Rad! "" and one guy was all ""Let's dial that back a bit.""",1,en
never take a cows job for granted: it's outstanding in its field .,1,en
what's the best part about dragon ball z? find out in the next episode of dragon ! ball ! z !,0,en
"taught a parrot to repeatedly say "" where are your gloves? "" and now i don't have to talk to my kids until spring so that's pretty cool .",1,en
"The kids wanted to play hide and seek Until half of them found their mom, the other half found the rest of her",1,en
What do you call a morgue for the disabled ? The veggie section ,1,en
why can't you give elsa a balloon? because she'll let it go,0,en
What's green and turns red when you press a button? A frog in a blender.,0,en
"No thanks, granola bars with no chocolate in them",0,en
Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.,1,en
What did the psychologist say to the special ed kid? Your looking a little down,1,en
How do you trace a scatter plot? You give the pencil to Michael J. Fox.,0,en
"if honey bees make honey , what type of bees make milk? boo bees threedots my dad just told me this one",0,en
"Fairytales You know what the two most known fairytales start with? ""Once upon a time"" and, ""In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.""",1,en
"I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don't know what's real anymore",0,en
I heard a little pun the other day It wasn't fully groan,0,en
I belive I can fly I heard that your gf tried to jump over the grand canyon. How are you feeling I can't get over it. Don't worry neither could she.,0,en
The giant panda is no longer endangered. It's now extinct,1,en
I never understood why vets. aren't called dogtors,1,en
What Star Wars character is most likely to get cancer? Leukemia Skywalker.,1,en
Why did the robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.,0,en
You say pigs can't fly. but swine flu,1,en
What's the difference between Futurama and One Direction? There's only one Bender in Futurama,1,en
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail,0,en
You can ride a horse in two ways You can ride a horse in two ways,0,en
broken leg i told my doctor i broke my leg in two places. he said to quit going to those places,1,en
what would be a more appropriate name for spiderman? peter parkour .,0,en
"look son , every man is nervous the first time. just take a deep breath , walk up to her , look her in the eye and ask her for directions",0,en
American History X is getting a reboot Starring Liam Neeson ,0,en
"What did the Morman say when asked what kind of wives he wanted? ""Brigham Young""",1,en
"NASA confirms, life found on mars.",1,en
you know what a vegetarian will never get? a spam .,0,en
What do comic book collectors use in their hair? Mint conditioner.,1,en
Mods asleep upvote wholesome joke Why did the guy smash? Because his brother liked super smash bros. ,0,en
growing up couldn't wait to have a room of my own and do whatever i liked. so why did i end up doing the exact opposite by getting married ?,1,en
Why did Steve Irvin get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? They needed something to look good next to Sting and Ray Charles.,1,en
why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists? because they make the best beets .,1,en
What us orange and sounds like a parrot? 'A carrot' Re: Alan Davies.,0,en
What's a Buddhist's favorite physics law? Om's Law.,1,en
Most of these jokes aren't funny at all... Just like Amy Schumer,1,en
what do you call it when someone forces you to watch them take their clothes off? a power strip .,1,en
Did you hear about the ghost who got a vasectomy? He had phantom loads.,1,en
what did the police officer say to tom brady during a routine traffic stop? your tires are low .,1,en
why is it hard for men to understand women? because you have to study abroad to understand them .,1,en
"I'm long, brown, and I love bowls. Jimi Hendrix",0,en
the couple from little people big world got a divorce. i guess you could say it was a short marriage,0,en
"""Marriage is like a ring of fire"", my dad used to tell me. "" The men on the outside want to be in it, and the ones on the inside want to get out of it """,1,en
My C.P.A. took me to lunch and ordered us terrible food... ... but there is no accounting for taste.,1,en
"Luis Suarez is to appear in the next Star Wars film. He'll play Chewbacca's brother, Chewshoulder",1,en
how do you know a joke isn't a repost? when it doesn't reach the front page .,0,en
there's a disease going around called these hands. you about to catch it,0,en
Who was the fattest member of Nsync? Joey Fatone,0,en
David Bowie was found in a three foot coffin. The coroner said it was a space oddity,1,en
What makes a software developer feel rich? Their Cache,1,en
"how do you cut a emo sandwich? trick question , it cuts itself .",1,en
What is virgin wool? Wool taken from a sheep that can run faster than the sheep herder.,1,en
what should you not put in the washer with a load full of towels? a towel full of loads,1,en
why can't you feel photons? because they are light .,1,en
What is the easiest way to remove bubble gum that got stuck in hair? Leukemia.,1,en
What do you call a Mexican garden hose in Canada? Joseh,1,en
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy. take two,0,en
I'm so afraid of negative numbers... I stop at nothing to avoid them!,0,en
what's the difference between a violin and a viola? a viola burns longer .,1,en
"How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? There, they're, their...",1,en
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwears,1,en
if an apple a day keeps the doctor away what does an onion do? keeps everyone away .,1,en
The sun is in so many movies. It's like one giant star,1,en
What do you call a Christian who fell down the stairs? A pregnant teenager,1,en
Where can one get jokes for this subreddit? On Comedy Central after midnight.,0,en
"i'm not one to brag about my press exposure but yes , it's true what they're saying in my local paper. i am selling my couch",1,en
what did the man say after he got into a fight with the amputee? you stumped me !,0,en
"today i got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet threedots i managed to get away, but he definitely gave me a good run for my money !",0,en
celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money ? cute. humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels ? hilarious,0,en
On a first date I always talk about obese pet penguin It's a good icebreaker,1,en
I just took a part time job at a vitamin store. for some supplemental income,1,en
"Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.",0,en
Why did they let the chicken join the band? Because he brought his own drumsticks,1,en
"Oh, you're a ceiling fan? Name three ceilings.",0,en
a woman asked her husband for a divorce after he said they needed to go get new counter tops. she knew he was taking her for granite,1,en
what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer? ..... a father in law.,1,en
"me on the phone : i'm going to "" work "" from home today. my boss : i heard those air quotes",1,en
"I'm always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.",1,en
"My wife's credit card got stolen and she doesn't know how. I do, I've been praying for a financial miracle",1,en
i just got a new universal remote wow! this changes everything threedots,0,en
What is it called when a large piece of foliage is the same on both sides? Symmetree.,1,en
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.,1,en
Our love was magical. it vanished like one of Houdini's disappearing acts,0,en
I read a very good book about astronomy last week. It was stellar,1,en
The key to comedy? Perfect del ivery,0,en
Whats the most popular drink in India? Dirty water,1,en
teacher : i'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off. pupil : you have my permission !,0,en
i'm celebrating international women's day by not having my wife make me a sandwich today. i'm going to subway and having rachel make it instead,1,en
what do the french call artificial feet for cats? faux paws,1,en
Making Asian food is easy. It's a WOK in the park,1,en
"""Did you hear Kobe Bryant died?"" ""Died?! I didn't even know he'd been pulled over!""",0,en
what's the hardest part of making chicken fried steak? teaching the chicken to cook,1,en
doctor doctor i keep thinking i'm god when did this start? well first i created the sun then the earth,0,en
knock knock who's there ? dishes. dishes who ? dishes sean connery,0,en
What did the snail on the turtles back say? WEEEEEEEEEE!,0,en
potatoes are high in carbs. ' baked ' potatoes are just high,1,en
"What video game system do police officers play in their cars? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...",0,en
"I play hard to get; if it's hard, you're getting it.",0,en
how many ways are there to please a guy? three way .,0,en
why was the mortgage sad? because it was a loan .,1,en
what would you call it when an italian has one arm shorter than the other? a speech impediment .,1,en
name that flower q : what is the name of the flower you find between your nose and your chin? a : tulips .,0,en
"My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.",1,en
What's the most lethal kind of boxing punch? The Sandy Hook.,1,en
"Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it? Tennish.",0,en
My mom asked me to sit indian style. so I pulled out a bar stool,1,en
"next time you're considering wearing a fedora just think "" what would jesus do? "" because jesus wouldn't wear a fedora .",1,en
what does a rock artist say to a jazz musician? to the airport please,0,en
"if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you .",0,en
why do monks wear such plain clothes? it's a habit .,1,en
"science defines a baby as ""a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp""",1,en
I was going to go camping for vacation. But I think it's too in tents for me,1,en
"if you drop a white hat into the red sea, what does it become ?",1,en
"what's the difference between indiana and reddit? in reddit , you get served no matter who you are .",0,en
Why was the female bank teller angry? She was going through the change...,0,en
how does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? meat patty ! thought of you guys !,0,en
What did the drowning number theorist yell? LOG LOG LOG LOG,1,en
What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions,1,en
How do you speed up natural selection Make a internet challenge that challenges people to dance on the very edge of a cliff with camera in selfie mode ,0,en
"what happens if a book on how to fail , sells? is it now a success",0,en
"doctor , doctor i feel like a pair of curtains! well don't have a shower because you might be dry clean only .",0,en
Whats the difference between a house cat and a polecat? How much their husbands make,0,en
What do you call a band of disabled children? System of the down.,1,en
If I had a nickel for every time I got distracted. I'm in the mood for some ice cream,1,en
what do you call a fake noodle? impasta,1,en
what's the difference between justin bieber and a birth certificate? a birth certificate states the sex .,1,en
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth,1,en
"aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand .",0,en
My dad is like Santa He only visits once a year,0,en
last night i had a dream that i wrote the lord of the rings. when i woke up my wife said i had been tolkien in my sleep threedots,1,en
What do you call the angel in charge of hydroelectrics? A God dam engineer.,1,en
"I read the following headline in the paper today: ""Woman Beats Off Attacker""",1,en
Why was the anomaly so poor? Because it didn't make any cents!,1,en
unique job opportunities! I started a business making containers for funeral ashes. It's a great was to urn a living. :D,0,en
Who was George Floyd's favourite thinker? not Nietzsche for sure,1,en
Me: hey what's this weird lump? WebMD: could be cancer. Me: it's a raisin stuck to my elbow... WebMD: you have two weeks.,0,en
Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your wife catch you doing it,0,en
My Dad says that the soda can is half empty. We call him Pepsimistic,1,en
"Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women. Just not very many",1,en
Alan Rickman has passed away. He was going through a bad spell,0,en
why did the irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? one to get in and one to get out .,1,en
"the difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it threedots",1,en
What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus? It's a match made in Heaven!,0,en
why did eric clapton move from pc to mac? he had a bad experience with windows,1,en
"Does anyone know how much a blimp is worth? I was going to google it, but I was worried it wouldn't account for inflation.",1,en
What's the best way to start a cheese shop in Utah? Get a good Provo loan.,1,en
What did the handicapped basketball player have? Ups Syndrome,1,en
"my friend was just buried in a cemetery. it's okay , he was dying to get in",0,en
My friends think I have a black sense of humour I don't know what they're talking about. In my view it's golden,1,en
Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes? In a pellet court!,1,en
Why did the man commit suicide by helium suffocation? He wanted to go out on a high note.,1,en
why did the man tear a page out of the calendar? he wanted to take a month off .,0,en
"hi electron , will you be at home tonight? probably .",0,en
"you know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? i'm like that , but with salad .",0,en
"I saw a badass preview for a new movie coming out! It said it was called ""U.S. Marines""",1,en
My wife told me to see things from her perspective So I went and looked out the kitchen window,1,en
What happend to the plant in maths class? It grew Square roots ,1,en
i want to to to tell you a pun. that's two to too to,0,en
""" was that lightning? "" no threedots they're taking pictures for google earth .",0,en
Fleetwood Mac Money has gone missing from Fleetwood Mac's dressing room again. They're starting to suspect Stevie Nicks,1,en
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band. I'd stand at the back and ting,1,en
What do you call a space alien in a hoodie? Treyvon Martian,0,en
"sorry , i just got your text. do you still need a ride to the er ?",0,en
"For Indian girl school isn't a concenring place, shooting don't happen there. Street is the place where problem start. ",1,en
"difference between good girls and bad girls good girls open few buttons in hot atmosphere, but bad girls open all buttons to make the atmosphere hot .",1,en
"My girlfriend said something today that made me think, if she is too old for me. Is it bad if she got her first period?",1,en
If I was blind and placed in a gun shooting range and had to guess where I was my first guess would be... An American school,1,en
My friend told me a bad joke he got from the internet. I asked him where he reddit,0,en
what was whitney houston's biggest hit? her last one,1,en
Jurassic World Fight That fight scene at the end was really intense. I can't help but think those dinos will be sore tomorrow,0,en
How did Luke Skywalker get to Endor? Ewoked ,0,en
i have no regrets. by which i mean i regret not saying no more often,0,en
How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk !,1,en
AMA character from the Universal Studios Harry Potter world Really! I'm Sirius,0,en
why did god create man? because a vibrator can't mow the lawn ! : d,0,en
What would you call an EDM producer on a flagpole? Datsik but not dat well.,0,en
"Me: ""I'd like to pay by card."" Waiter: ""Contactless? "" Me: ""No, you can cuddle me.""",1,en
If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps. I would opt for the latter,1,en
"In the house of mathematics, where are the tautologies found? They're kept in the Axiom Attic.",1,en
Wanna hear a joke? Here is a joke This subreddit,0,en
"Why don't you see many chemists with master's degrees working with acids and bases? To really understand acids and bases, you need a pHd.",1,en
I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating. They're remarkable,1,en
"btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search ""scrotum"" because people only post pictures using a medical name if there's something wrong",0,en
whats the difference between a mexican and a park bench? the park bench can hold a family of four,1,en
"Waldo asked his wife what was for dinner. Fondue, waldo",0,en
"What did the Catholic Mexican say to greet the Greek God of Thunder? ""hey zeus!""",1,en
Accidentally burned a calorie. Have to replace it now,0,en
"lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then i'm gonna need some bail money on the side .",0,en
My mailman got gender reassignment surgery. Now he's a post man,1,en
"The invention of the wheel was revolutionary. The lightbulb was a brilliant idea, and the rocket's invention is simply out of this world",1,en
"what did the math book say to the literature book? you're so full of great stories , i'm just filled with problems",1,en
taught a man how to buy fish. so much easier,0,en
an invisible man and an invisible woman got married. their kids were nothing to look at either,1,en
teacher : how can we keep our school clean? student : by staying at home . : p,1,en
"apparently, indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don't need it .",1,en
Does anyone want to buy a used Theremin? I haven't touched mine in years.,0,en
"My mom just replied to my text with ""K. "" Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?",0,en
What do you call a bee that never quite made it in the hive? A wanna bee.,1,en
Tomorrow is like my dad. I don't want it to come.,0,en
What did the depressed plankton do? It krilled iself!,0,en
I found a new way of making popcorn. just give an ear a baby,0,en
When life gives you lemons Have a lemon party,0,en
Why don't antelopes play poker in the African grasslands? Too many cheetahs. ,0,en
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.,0,en
There's that man in Utah that makes cheese all by himself. They call him the Provo Lone guy,1,en
Did you hear about the shooting in Seattle downtown today? I am looking for a place to hide. Please help!,0,en
What does Will Smith have in common with Robin Williams? They were both apart of a Suicide Squad ,1,en
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? His desk is level,1,en
"dad keeps breaking into my phone , so i found a password he won't remember. my birthday",0,en
I fell in love with a girl On the fanily group chat.,0,en
"snoring comes easily to me. in fact , i can do it in my sleep",1,en
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless,1,en
why do skeletons have so many kids? because all they can do is bone .,1,en
What's the difference between my wife and my daughter? There's no difference. I've tried them both,0,en
"What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork? ""I D K""",0,en
"my girlfriend broke up with me , because she hated me singing linkin park songs all the time. but in the end , it doesn't even matter",0,en
it must be tough to live in europe. there's neither land nor way threedots,0,en
What's the difference between a raft guide and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family.,0,en
How do you make a Welsh person comfortable while playing Scrabble? Remove the vowels in his rack.,1,en
what do bears and women from arkansas have in common? they can't stop licking their paws .,1,en
"I keep a photo of my mother flexing inside the charm of my necklace Because she is a strong, in the pendant woman",0,en
"""Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs."" ""Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker? "" ""That's cool.""",0,en
What do cannonballs do when they fall in love? They make bbs,1,en
"The Golden Globe goes to... Burrito ... for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.",1,en
"think you can save humanity? well , jesus nailed it .",0,en
"chuck norris died a few hours ago. don't worry , he's fine now",0,en
What is the correct way to refer to an OP who resides in Europe? The Continental OP.,1,en
"You're not impressing anyone, server who didn't write down our orders. You're just making us anxious",1,en
"whats the best thing about metal clothes pegs? I've no idea, you'll have to ask the wife.",1,en
How do you study for a prostate exam? By cramming.,1,en
my computer made a funny sound the other day. of course i've never heard it get thrown out a window before,1,en
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner. So now I shower before every meal.,1,en
My Bakery Burned Down Last Night. Now my business is toast,1,en
my laptop just passed away. what's the mourning period for this ? do i need to wear black ? is it ok to cry ?,1,en
"A chromosome away, Keeps the predators at bay",1,en
I sometimes miss people I love quite a bit. But my aim is getting better,1,en
Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that's not a good tweet but I'm getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics,0,en
Special ed kids don't like taking baths I dont like soggy vegetables either.,0,en
Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common? A. Nothing yet.,0,en
"Herbal Doctors, someone should tell them Thyme Doesn't heal all wounds.",1,en
"Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I'm seeing somebody.",1,en
"today's world: you keep your friends close , your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible",0,en
breaking news: blind man has been shot he didn't even see it coming .,0,en
some people want a perfect relationship. i just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials,1,en
why did the blond take a ruler to bed? to see how long she slept .,1,en
What do you call two Irish gunfighters in a duel? Kenny Killarney and Arny Kilkenny.,1,en
I like a good long fiction piece. So I picked up the Bible at my local book store,1,en
our bank manager can't ride a bike any more . why not? he lost his balance .,0,en
Which is the most loved rock band in Italy? Panic at the disco,1,en
"if you don't have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever .",0,en
What movie was made when Hannibal lecter got Paralysed? Silence of the Limbs,1,en
"If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.",1,en
Q: What's green and purple and goes up and down? A: Barney in an elevator.,0,en
"A beggar once asked me, ""Any change? "" I said, ""Nope. You're still broke.""",1,en
how does an apple a day keep the doctor away? when you take careful aim .,1,en
"If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere",1,en
I've always wanted to be a comic book artist. I'm really drawn to it,1,en
Do not go golfing with Admiral Ackbar. All he does is obsess about the location of sand hazards,1,en
What college did Michael Jackson go to? Bringham Young,0,en
why do mimes always lose arguments? they don't have a say in anything !,1,en
"What did Chewy say after episode VII? I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo solo",0,en
"What did Josh say when asked if his sister was good in bed? ""I Duggar.""",1,en
"Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon? Because you are sodium SeXe. Edit: I have yet to zinc of another chemistry joke.",0,en
What is the greatest book ever written while under quarantine? Anne Frank,0,en
Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company? Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.,1,en
Did you hear that H.P. Lovecraft wrote a cookbook? It's called the Necronomnomnomicon.,1,en
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system? They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.,1,en
I like my women how my middle school teach likes my cell phone. Disabled and in a locker.,0,en
i've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think i'm an airport building. hope it's not terminal,1,en
you know what i hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub? when people repeat the title in the description .,0,en
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn't be able to stop until I'd added glasses and a moustache,1,en
Is it hot in here or is it.... .....the Sun crashing down on us?,0,en
how do you keep a group of women from talking? ask the oldest one to speak first .,0,en
did you hear about the guy who watched that new bruce willis film five times in a row? he was a die hard fan .,1,en
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!,0,en
Whats the worst part about Crabgrass? It's Not Lobster.,1,en
"how many redditors does it take to tell a joke? two . one to think of it , and another to repost it a day later .",1,en
What's that continent that you see in the mirror first thing each morning? You see you're up!,0,en
Why do proctologists like Facebook? It's another chance to look up old friends.,1,en
"How does a banana farmer hook up with a person? He asks, ""You want my extra banana? It's free.""",1,en
There are two Jehovah's Witnesses outside. They're applauding my house for some reason,1,en
What's common between an unvaccinated child and the Universe? The ashes look like cosmic dust.,1,en
do i have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? i don't even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real .,1,en
q : how did the blonde die drinking milk? a : the cow fell on her .,0,en
what's the number one cause of dry skin? towels .,0,en
How are oxygen and potassium together? They're just OK.,0,en
sorry i can't go out. my phone is too old to hold enough charge so i live by this outlet now,0,en
"hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you .",0,en
How do you know the blind exist. if they've never been sighted,1,en
What do they call the Hunger Games in Japan? Batteru Royaru with Chizu,1,en
what do you call a german rice cake? a reich cake,1,en
"all you people who chose "" the real "" or "" official "" before your twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. well done , guys",0,en
"me : wow i have to print this document right now printer : like, right right now ?",0,en
"I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...",0,en
It's a great feeling when you finally get a girl you've been chasing for miles,0,en
"""I"" before ""E"", except after ""C"". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient.",1,en
"i always sleep with a bed under my pillow, just in case",1,en
"Scientists have finally discovered the secret of longevity of hedgehogs... ...It turns out, there is no secret. They don't even live that long.",1,en
going to see peter pan again tonight. never gets old,0,en
I had the best time at work today Well I also lost my job at the orphanage but I see this as an absolute win,1,en
Whats black and blue and red all over? My girlfriend on her period.,0,en
I cannot even fathom how deep the snow is back east! Get my drift?,0,en
The world is flat because my girlfriend is my world She got runover by a semi truck,0,en
"the more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings .",0,en
Why does the CPU never get any work done? Because it gets interrupted constantly.,1,en
how do you know someone is from california? they tell you .,0,en
"What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and Heath Ledger? Ledger was in a movie called Brokeback Mountain, McCann was mounted til her back broke.",0,en
"After seeing how the Segway owner died, the guy who runs the Shake Weight company must be terrified.",1,en
"on a positive note, women with full hour glass figures don't have to wear watches .",1,en
hanging out with helen keller always made me feel like such a hipster. she'd never heard of any of the bands i like,1,en
A geologist hit a man with his car. What crime is he accused of? Vesicular Basalt,1,en
"whenever i have a problem , i just sing. then i realize that my voice is worse than my problem and it isn't a big deal anymore",1,en
I don't need a girlfriend to get action. The Pokemon servers go down on me all the time,0,en
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing. Bought a boom.,0,en
What do you call a lonely orator? A master debater.,1,en
"God: ""Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do? "" Frog: ""ribbit"" God: ""haha, alright man""",1,en
"sometimes it's hard to nap at work. like , when the boss is standing beside you or when you don't have a job",1,en
"i ordered the club salad for lunch threedots i asked waitress "" what all comes in the club salad? "" she said "" lettuce , turnip , the beat """,1,en
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back.,0,en
"what's the difference between everyone and bullets everyone misses harambe. don't know if this is a repost or not , just heard it from a friend",0,en
What's the difference between a women in a coma and a child Only one will scream,0,en
How'd the tap dancer break his ankle? He fell in the sink.,0,en
what do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's god's gift? exchange him .,0,en
What does a construction worker and a toddler have in common Both should be working with wood,1,en
"Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.",1,en
How warm is a janitor's closet? Broom temperature.,0,en
chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. if you add commas,0,en
How do you fix a mistake With a wire coat hanger,1,en
How did Hellen Keller break her arm? Trying to read a stop sign while driving.,0,en
"i wasn't dropped as a baby, but i've been making up for it ever since .",1,en
why are tuna fish so bad a playing tennis? they keep getting caught in the net !,1,en
how many times should you check whether a sentence is written in english or spanish? once .,0,en
what do you tell someone you didn't see at new year's eve? i haven't seen you for a year !,0,en
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them,1,en
What's the difference between adoption and recycling trash? Nothing.,1,en
What is the most abnormal phenomenon of nature The geyser,1,en
"I'm a champion of grammar; A grampion, if you will.",0,en
do you want a quick joke? do you want another one,0,en
What's yellow comes from Peru and is completely unknown? Waterloo Bear Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin !,0,en
Why did the boat know it had a leak? That sinking feeling...,0,en
"Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new ""Stealth Condom? "" A: ""They'll never see you coming.""",0,en
I'm not really a fan of TikTok The posts there are really just hit or miss,0,en
You know the Yahoo hack is not that bad. at least someone knows my password to my Yahoo account,0,en
Why fist fights break out at NASA? Sometimes an argument of perihelion will get out of hand.,1,en
I named my dog depression Now I can say I beat depression,1,en
Which Dinosaurs love electricity? Bulbasaurs,1,en
Why is Dick Clark a favourite star with horses? Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!,1,en
"What's a lannister's favorite pop star? Katy Perry, because you're going hear her roar",0,en
sometimes therapy is as simple as nodding to the dude next to you stuck in traffic. i feel you brother,0,en
"""There's a guy that jumped off the Pont Neuf! "" He must be in Seine.",0,en
I finally understand why the Jews have Passover Its because they passed their kids on to people who weren't Jewish in WWII,1,en
"I was making tea... ...and after pouring in some milk my friend asked if I wanted tea with my milk, I said nah, I'm having a lattea.",1,en
One of my friend told me that she got accepted at Dalhousie University. I told her to stay away from the dentistry students,1,en
My friend got fired from his banking job. because he lost interest,1,en
knock knock who's there ! army ant ! army ant who? army ants coming for tea then,0,en
Which is Reddit's favourite element? M'lybdenum.,0,en
What does a baby and the universe have in common? They both were created thanks to a Big Bang.,0,en
"whats an italians favourite part of football? half time , they get to switch sides again",1,en
"Actually Jesus wasn't the carpenter, Joseph was. You're thinking of the Carpenter's Monster",0,en
"Why is fruit so expensive? I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.",0,en
What do you call an academic who apologises all the time? An anthropologist,1,en
i became a banker. then i lost interest,1,en
"Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.",0,en
"Panicked when I saw ""Godzilla"" was trending, until I found out there's a movie.",1,en
Q: How does the queen bee get around her hive? A: She's throne.,0,en
It's Pancake Day... but when is it Heterocake Day?,0,en
"I've heard they've started holding races for the cure where the participants are actually cancer patients... ...balderdash, if you ask me.",1,en
"When Jared fogle goes into a restaurant, what menu does he order from? The kids menu.",0,en
What's the NSA's favourite game? I spy.,1,en
its kinda funny how nike has four letters in its name that's the same age as the kids making their products,0,en
What's Batman's favorite fruit? Bananananananananana,0,en
I told my mom about caching. She said it sounds expensive,0,en
what's the difference in xbox one and your mother? i genuinely care about your mother .,0,en
is there big money in the cattle business? so i've herd !,0,en
How do introverts give their intro ? By creating a youtube channel.,1,en
"I gave my french girlfriend a pendant with ""le monde"" carved in It means the world to her",1,en
i've just bought an english snake. Sir Pent,0,en
i once saw a slice of toast in a zoo. it was bread in captivity,1,en
"Branson My wife and I went to Branson, Missouri. I think our hotel caters to senior citizens because it had a free incontinental breakfast",1,en
"Hey online media: ""Comfortability"" isn't a word. The noun you're looking for is ""comfort."" And it doesn't need you to give it a fancy hat.",1,en
An old Scottish joke. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Disney.,1,en
If I ever need an amber lamps really quickly. I'm going to call a tow truck instead,1,en
what's the difference between love and herpes? love doesn't last forever .,0,en
My girlfriend walked up and said she is expecting. me to lose weight,0,en
wanna hear my joke about the beach? i'm shore you'll like it,0,en
What's at the back of the forest? Spine trees. Who cuts them down? The Lumbarjack.,0,en
"They say you are what you eat So I bought myself some ""ready to eat Apricots"" And after I bought them I was indeed, ready to eat Apricots.",1,en
What did one piece of German bread say to the other piece of bread? Gluten Tag,1,en
"When life gives you lemons, wish that life had given you something to make a more original aphorism.",0,en
"My wife wanted to get a cat. I really didn't want one, so after a lot of discussions, we reached a compromise: we're getting a cat",1,en
I was charged for dental floss during my most recent visit to the dentist. The dentist said he was changing the office's philos phy,1,en
Communicating with Cattle by I. Ken Mooue,0,en
What do dyslexic sysadmins eat for breakfast? Cronflakes.,1,en
Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied? Because when he had the time he didn't have the energy and when he had the position he didn't have the momentum.,1,en
"God: NOAH. Noah: Yes Lord? God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes? Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?",1,en
Two books meet up in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well at all. ' The other one replies.. .. Just had my Appendix removed.,0,en
what does a soldier and a shoulder have in common? they have access to arms .,1,en
Where does the USB key come from? Uzbekistan!,0,en
So I took my pet rabbit to the hospital.. Let's just say he ate the wrong vegetables.,0,en
I play my women like I play the cello. I don't play the cello,1,en
"A man falls in love with a nun and they run away together. The church says it doesn't mind, as long as he doesn't get into the habit",1,en
q : how did bill cosby find his daughter in the woods? a : pretty good,0,en
Chris Brown's music has a really good beat So does his right hook.,1,en
Do you like oranges? Well I am bad at colloquialisms! How you like them oranges,1,en
"I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.",1,en
"my friend asked if i could help him write a bedtime story for his kids. i thought "" what a novel idea """,1,en
Whats a Plumber's favorite vegetable? A Leek!,0,en
What would happen if you put all the grunge singers in a race Eddie Vedder would win by default,1,en
What do they call Bro Chads in the U.K.? ......Bloke chaps. Play me off Johnny!,1,en
What do you do after shaking a leper's hand ? You give him back,1,en
did you hear about jon snow dropping his new apple product? and now his watch has ended .,0,en
"So, I was looking around for some vacuum...",0,en
I don't like my new hair cut. But it's growing on me,1,en
What did Logan say when he was on the phone? Hang on.,0,en
have you heard about the type of hay made from oak leaves? apparently it's ok,1,en
What's Jared Fogle's favorite weather? El nino.,0,en
Hoe do you call a dog that likes to be on the internet. A Labragoogle,0,en
"If you speak too slowly, my brain completes your sentences in all kinds of ways that make you interesting for a moment.",1,en
No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope. It was still stationery,1,en
why didnt natalie wood take a shower on the boat? she wanted to wash up on shore...,0,en
As a kid I always wanted to be a conductor. Now I think it requires too much training,1,en
"My ex girlfriend was visiting town, and she asked whether I could show her a good time. So I emailed her a bunch of pictures of me before we met.",1,en
"Internet Explorer: so about last night Me: Oh, i used you for flash. IE: Are we back together, am i your default? Me: don't make this weird",0,en
How does Porkins get into his star fighter? He has to wedge himself in.,0,en
"i really only know one thing about ebola. for some reason , it makes you really wanna go to the airport",1,en
They say don't go grocery shopping while you're hungry. But it's been a week and I just keep getting hungrier,1,en
Why didn't the kayak owner and yacht owner get along? They didn't have ships in common.,1,en
little kid making faces at you from his bus window? follow him home and make faces through his window at night .,0,en
Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral? he's not a mourning person,1,en
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!,0,en
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps? All his comebacks take three days..,0,en
"cereal , you need milk more than milk needs you. just being real",0,en
you can't know a person well until you live with them. you can't know them really well until you divorce them,1,en
What is blonde and brown blonde and brown blonde and brown? Answer. Madonna doing cartwheels.,0,en
"outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ",0,en
Why the USA get silver in synchronized diving? Because Steele Johnson always comes second.,1,en
"If you answer the phone and say ""Hello, you're on the air. "" most telemarketers will hang up quickly",1,en
"i promise you that there are three types of people in this world. those who keep their promises , and those who don't",0,en
"according to my google history, i spent most of last night trying to buy a llama .",0,en
"how the does man give his dead batteries away? free of charge , of course .",1,en
Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors? They're up all night to get Lockheed.,1,en
Snoop Dogg announced he's quitting rapping to open an ice cream shop. He's now known as Scoop Dogg,1,en
why did jared go to a goat farm? he heard there was lots of kids there .,0,en
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths",1,en
"The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him. In the end we split the deferens.",1,en
What do canes and blue pills have in common? They're both ready for use when a man is limp.,1,en
A man walks into a bathroom and slips on a turd.. Another man approaches and says ''are you alright mate? I just did that'',0,en
You know what really makes my day? The rotation of the earth,0,en
I got a new job crushing cans. It's so depressing,1,en
"What's the difference between a mosquito, and my girlfriend? The mosquito stops sacking when you slap it",1,en
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors,1,en
"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose",0,en
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.,1,en
why don't photons go to church on sunday? photons never have mass when at rest !,0,en
"whats the best place to drive to in iowa? the middle . that way , you're always driving out of iowa .",1,en
A friend of mine told me she met a really cute boy in a bar who was solving equations on a napkin. I told her to look for his unknown,1,en
What does a Mod and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go Whoo! Whoo!,1,en
"have the day off when the so comes home , "" have you been on reddit all day !? "" look at the clock , "" not yet . """,0,en
Why are photos in Latvia always such good quality? There's no such thing as potato quality there.,1,en
"Why did the pirate's rap song become such a hit? The bass was pegged, his hook was just right, and it made all the girls shake they booty.",1,en
"true friends don't judge each other threedots they judge other people, together .",0,en
what happens when the sun and the moon get together? they turn out the lights .,0,en
how can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? when he actually listens to marketing before saying no,1,en
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet? Precubescent,1,en
did you hear about the tap dancer? he broke his ankle when he fell into the sink .,1,en
why were the elephants kicked out of the pool? because they kept dropping their trunks threedots,1,en
what do you call an attractive person in a wheel chair? hot wheels .,1,en
"when someone asks me if i'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question .",1,en
Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share? They like rock.,1,en
"I think my wife considers me her rainbow. Or at least, according to her, I'm on the spectrum",1,en
"I got a job as a stand up with a comic sans resume, but i lost my CV Now im a comic sans resume",0,en
how does someone with amnesia tell a joke? i don't remember .,1,en
"Slow and steady wins the race, unless it's one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed.",1,en
"I moved into an advent calendar today. Its very cold, all the windows are open",0,en
"she wanted to be friends with benefits, but i said no because she didn't offer dental .",1,en
"ok fine , i'll weigh in: every museum needs to lose that one room that's just old bowls .",0,en
"To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms",1,en
What does NASA stand for? Needs another seven astronauts,1,en
Why is Sia not in her music videos? Because she doesn't want anyone to Sia,1,en
You know what's great about Alice In Chains? She can't get away.,0,en
condoms aren't completely safe. a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus,1,en
"what did the fireman say when the church caught on fire? "" holy smoke ! """,1,en
The cucumbers are taking over my garden and trying to starve all the other vegetables out. It's a war of nutrition,1,en
i miss the things we shared together. not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool,0,en
what fish make the best sandwich? a peanut butter and jellyfish,0,en
did you see the movie invisible? i couldn't,1,en
a piece of me is missing. i guess that i should stop asking people if they want a piece of me,1,en
Dad Joke: Help! There's a letter coming out of the water! It's an emerging 'C'.,0,en
What's the fastest form of bread? Scone.,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who fell in a vat at the eyeglass factory? He really made a spectacle of himself.,1,en
What did the octopus make for desert? ...Octopie,0,en
"When my mom asked me to sponsor her Run for The Cure, I was surprised. I'd thought The Cure had done quite well for themselves",1,en
i once had a girlfriend who could look into the future. she left me before we met,0,en
My ratt bit me yesterday. I guess you could say we had a lack of communication,0,en
"My wife and I always joke around. She'll ask ""What were you doing? "", then we'll both laugh and then I go make sure I cleared my web history.",1,en
"What does a zen ghost say? Boo, duh...",1,en
What did the Gorilla do when he saw the sign 'Clean Washroom'? He cleaned it!,1,en
what's the difference between the oscars and the bet awards? oscar winners can thank both of their parents .,1,en
What kind of cheese can be used to build a structure? Cottage cheese.,1,en
"Wrote ""I wanna rock! "" on every answer to this Geology test and they made me a tenured professor with a beard and an Indiana Jones hat.",1,en
"When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters",0,en
memories. that's how i want to be remembered,0,en
Tim Tebow is a lot like Mary because they're both virgins. But at least Mary was able to produce,0,en
"somebody left a baby at my front door today , and i have no idea what to do with it. i just hope it's gone by tomorrow",0,en
what do you call a wolf you cant find? a where wolf .,1,en
what was wrong with the wooden car? it wooden go .,0,en
What happened to the crew of the Challenger? They got fired!,0,en
f you think Amazon always delivers what you ordered. Then you've got another thing coming,0,en
What's the opposite of Kathmandu? Dogwomandon't.,0,en
what do you call an orange elephant? call it whatever . it is not like it is gonna have a problem with that .,1,en
"the most common phrase in china: "" hey ! you look familiar ! """,1,en
Whats a Neckbeard's favorite city in Spain? M'drid,0,en
I kept unwrapping my present and it was the lamest gift ever. A cardboard tube,0,en
What do Emos and automatic lights have in common? They'll both off themselves eventually.,1,en
"why didn't ronald mcdonald like to go fishing? because every time he did , he'd catch a whopper .",1,en
"either my xbox is broken, or it wants to get married and start a family. because it's done playing games with me",1,en
A robber broke into my house last night looking for money. So I woke up to look with him.,0,en
What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!,1,en
I hate buying Velcro. it's such a ripoff,0,en
what do you call a fat psychic? a large,1,en
"i just got back from my mates funeral , he was killed by a tennis ball. it was a cracking service",1,en
What did one cloud of fog say to the other? I don't know. It's a Mistery.,1,en
whats the difference between a noose and a leash? how high you tie it on a tree .,0,en
What is similar between the Polar Express and my pastor? They both come fast and pick up a lot of young kids.,1,en
i met my ex girlfriend on a treadmill we had to break up. it wasn't going anywhere,0,en
"I have four problems in life... ...counting, remembering and counting.",0,en
"Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he's just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.",1,en
i have this friend who has a real dilemma. his wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man,0,en
""" you're not like the other girls . "" "" yeah, that's pretty much how this works . we're literally all different ones . """,0,en
What do you call it when a redditor tries to get karma without posting real content? Cake day,1,en
"Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment",1,en
my mom never liked bill cosby's jokes. she says they put her to sleep,1,en
"Announced sternly to students today that ""only hard things are worth doing! "" In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.",1,en
Q: What mythological monster casts no reflection? A: All of them.,0,en
"In Russia they don't have Netflix, they have Njetflix.",1,en
If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak? Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass,1,en
How does Schrodinger apologise? Sorry not sorry,0,en
What's red and has seven dents in it? Snow Whites cherry.,0,en
"I think my English would be much better if I had taken it in college But as they say, Would of, should of, could of",1,en
"If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.",1,en
"Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants? Store worker: Why do you ask? Egg plant: Yeah, why do you ask?",1,en
What would Ed Sheeran taste like on a piece of toast? gingerbread,1,en
why did the business dog chase his tail? so he could make ends meet !,0,en
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn't a rock,0,en
Don't lose your electrons. Keep an ion them. ,0,en
"the good lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close .",1,en
i'm going to open a parachute company. because anyone who would complain about my product is already dead,1,en
"if you want your wife to take you seriously, don't throw your sippy cup during an argument",0,en
What do you call a paralysed woman? My wife,1,en
every kiss begins with k but so does every kidnapping. that's how words work people,1,en
"I had a cough like that once. I didn't kick the bucket, I was just a little pail",1,en
why is chewbacca bad at sports? he's just a wookie !,0,en
i've learned from my mistakes. i make bigger and better mistakes than ever now,0,en
"In a landslide victory, landslides crush their opponents.",1,en
what kind of underwear does a person wear when buried? fruit of the tomb,1,en
Why do hippies wear corduroy? It's groovy!,1,en
""" what's the definition of anxiety? "" "" the half of the time when you're worried about the other half of the time . """,1,en
What do you call a cat that torrents movies? A copy cat.,1,en
Why did the clothing store close? The employees where slacking off.,1,en
how did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? pretty hot .,0,en
"in the beginning there was nothing . god said , ' let there be light! ' and there was light . there was still nothing , but you could see it a whole lot better .",0,en
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself? Me: Verbally. But I've also prepared a dance.,1,en
why do people say half a dozen? why can't they just say six,1,en
how do old people go to the bathroom? depends .,1,en
"instead of yelling, i just say "" caps lock "" and then speak at a normal volume .",1,en
Why can't Micheal Bay be a farmer? Because he dosen't have a plot.,0,en
we all bring something different to the table. i have all of my teeth and can read,1,en
"What's Kermit the Frog's favorite song? ""Whib It"" by Devo.",0,en
What is a rift valley? Valleys that have fallen out after an argument.,1,en
did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum? he got stuck in orbit .,0,en
"wild horses could easily drag me away from anything , even from my favorite activity. wild horses are super crazy strong",1,en
"Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following? : ""Fun fun fun worry worry worry"" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!",0,en
"Women are like coffee beans: The coarser they are, the more you need to grind them, the finer they get.",1,en
"i don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where i could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks",1,en
Why did John Lennon join Beatles ? Because he read it as Beaters.,1,en
"I have a short cubing joke I made up. CFOP will bring the cubers solvation! Explanation: CFOP is a method of solving the Rubik's cube, hence SOLVation.",1,en
what should you call a bald teddy? fred bear !,0,en
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas,1,en
imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. i can do that to your ex if you want,0,en
"ron on facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally i commented "" that sounds delicious "" .",1,en
what did the dj say to the jazz musician? take me to the airport .,1,en
"Everyday life can be hectic and stressful, but never forget what it's all about: doing the hokey pokey and turning yourself around.",1,en
"My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I'm not even the best mom in my house anymore.",1,en
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !,0,en
i was wondering why it gets bright even before i see the sun rise in the morning. then it dawned on me,1,en
How does a dentist become a Brain surgeon? A slip of the hand,1,en
"Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other ""Do you like music? "" He replies ""I'm a big metal fan.""",1,en
The greatest people in history Say what you want to say about Epstein and Hitler but the killer of those men is my hero and did nothing wrong.,1,en
who was the first carpenter? eve . she made adam's banana stand,0,en
"I have seen you with no filter, and I still adore you.",0,en
"Recently, my self driving car has been malfunctioning. It's driving me crazy",1,en
chicken pot pie. my three favourite things,0,en
i'm single by choice. but it's not my choice,0,en
"If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down. That leaves a wide range of colors I have no idea what to do with",1,en
Want to hear a good comeback story? Brokeback Mountain.,0,en
"there's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over .",0,en
what happened when the cat swallowed a coin? there was money in the kitty .,0,en
tom : what did the banana say to the elephant? nick : i don't know . tom : nothing . bananas can't talk .,0,en
What is the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero? Green Lantern. His least favorite? Deadpool,0,en
"umm threedots i don't want to be "" that inmate, "" but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt .",1,en
what do you call a book club that hasn't changed their book in a thousand years? church,1,en
A fart is the only bodily function which has its own punctuation. The skid mark,1,en
what do you mean i can't identify as a television? just watch me !,0,en
"At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.",1,en
what's the hardest thing about becoming a lawyer in ireland? passing the bar .,1,en
What does one call a cat that never plays by the rules? A cheetah!,1,en
Never bring fruits to a hospital They're mostly vegetable people there,1,en
q : why are gorillas so noisy? a : they were raised in a zoo !,0,en
why did the emo swallow an alarm clock? so he could wake up inside .,1,en
what did the greek god say when he could finally take the world off his shoulders? at las !,1,en
I made a wooden car But it wooden go Then I made a steel car But it steel wooden go Then I made a lead car But it steel wooden lead me go,0,en
I've come into a lot of money lately. It's a fetish I never knew I had until now,1,en
"if you like internet jokes, you should see my online bank account .",0,en
I think Android application developers are magical. They're like open sorcerers,1,en
What car does Catwoman drive? A Purrgeot.,0,en
what is the most common blood type among pessimists? b negative .,1,en
"i asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "" yes "" and i'm completely lost, i've never played the game like this before .",1,en
Why am I scared of french pastry chefs? They give me the crepes.,1,en
"In Canada, she's Kilometery Cyrus.",1,en
Why didn't Mario put more toppings on his pizza? Because there wasn't mushroom on it.,0,en
"fruit flies can fly , but most fruit can't , do you know which one can? banana skin",1,en
i saved a life today. it looks great in my cereal box collection,0,en
"what do you say to get the attention of a gold bar? "" au """,0,en
What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a race car? A mess,1,en
i bought some blonde paint. it isn't very bright but it spreads easily,0,en
"My uncle went on holiday to Ireland, but didn't have enough time to go to Clare. He really wanted to see Moher",0,en
What's the best way to learn how to chop vegetables? Have a daughter,1,en
What do the Globetrotters do when they're finished urinating? The Harlem Shake,1,en
Why do doctor's offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it's going to be high then.,1,en
What do you call a trailer park in a tornado? Wind chimes.,1,en
what do monica lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? both say please insert bill .,0,en
Why did the new guy sent out to get water come back empty handed? It was too well hidden.,0,en
why did the guy that owned a chocolate building bang his mom? because he had an edible complex .,1,en
LPT: Microwave your spoon first to make scooping out ice cream easier. It warms up the spoon and makes the process less frustrating,1,en
"I was riding my bike in a snowstorm. It skidded on some black ice and I fell off. When I got up, my bike was gone",1,en
why does no work ever get done on the sun? because it's always a sun day,1,en
So I was thinking while taking the biggest dump of my life. and I just feel so empty inside,0,en
My ex was in an accident I told the paramedics the wrong blood type. Know she'll know the pain of rejection too.,0,en
"I'm a journalist. My paper asked if I would write an article about bukkake I said ""I've got it covered""",1,en
"man goes to a doctor . "" every time i attempt to pass water it hurts "" "" does it burn? "" "" i don't know , i've never tried to set fire to it """,1,en
"my dad is in the hospital, he needed to get some toes amputated because of his diabetes . he's been good about it . he says he's lactose intolerant .",1,en
"have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has .",0,en
"If you love something, let it go. From the creators of ""If you're tired, go for a run,"" and ""If you're on fire, eat bees""",1,en
what's strong enough for a man but made for a women? the back of my hand .,0,en
what is the difference between a sock and a camera? a sock takes five toes and a camera takes photos .,1,en
Q: Have you seen the tree's new car? A: It's a two cedar.,0,en
mother : why was the phone busy all night? babysitter : the fire department put me on hold .,0,en
me : guess who was just promoted to be the new ceo! coworker : amanda . me : why would you assume it's a man ?,0,en
Where did the small road go to college? Tulane University,1,en
Just moisturized my hands and now I can't get out of the bathroom. Send help,0,en
"What does Pac Man do when he's not eating dots? I don't know, probably just wakaround for a little while.",1,en
"Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures",1,en
"What's the funniest part of a boxing joke? You'd think it'd be the punchline, but apparently it's funnier when the person feints...",1,en
my girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. it's odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush,1,en
what's a glow worms favourite song? wake me up before you glow glow !,0,en
"Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade? A: The letter ""m.""",0,en
them : you can't go wrong with this recipe. me : watch me,0,en
"i saw a photon go by threedots threedots it seemed friendly, but it didn't wave .",0,en
How do you know the high heel was invented by men? Who else invents things,1,en
DIVORCED BARBIE Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie? A: All of Ken's stuff.,0,en
dating tip : you never want to seem too easy! so set up a date and never show up .,0,en
I had a track accident last spring. Now it has become a running joke,1,en
What's an Ariana Grande fans favorite song? Bang Bang,0,en
People have said I should be a motivational speaker... But I don't have the motivation.,1,en
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait? Space Mountain.,0,en
"Hello tumblr, I'm moon landing fictionkin",0,en
"Can anyone tell me what ""sthg"" is shorthand for? I know it must mean something",1,en
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side So I crashed the car,1,en
my buddy is doing a semester abroad. i would be perfectly content doing a broad a semester,1,en
i'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand. i'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed,1,en
I guess you could say Caitlyn Jenner is. Transjennered,0,en
The number one struggle of living with somebody is Figuring out where to store all the body limbs ,1,en
Why are linear equations so easy to interrogate? Because they always give you a straight answer.,1,en
How does a sea urchin search the internet? sea urchingine,1,en
why do people never see an apple store getting robbed? it doesn't have windows .,1,en
What do you do when your Apple device gets warm? Ask apple to open the backdoor.,0,en
"what do you call a canadian fish with no bones? phil , eh",1,en
"so i've decided that my wifi will be my valentine. idk , we just have this connection",0,en
hard to believe that twitter is six years old. seems like just yesterday that i spoke to my family,0,en
canadians like to brag about getting all four seasons: winter almost winter after winter not winter,1,en
I told my wife I was going to start collecting rare watches. She wondered how I would find the time,1,en
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye. Customer: Really? I don't like it. Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT,1,en
I like my children like I like my mood Only Down,0,en
"What's the difference between seal hunters and teenagers? There's none, both like clubbing.",1,en
First Caribou: What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind? Second Caribou: A maybee.,1,en
"i eat my tacos over a tortilla. that way when stuff falls out , boom , another taco",0,en
"You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.",1,en
How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites? They take a gallop poll!,1,en
"If Christians made a movie about church attendance, what would they call it? Exodus",1,en
with easter coming up it has me wondering. is the easter bunny a shell for big egg ?,0,en
what do you call an unemployed classical musician? baroque,1,en
"i'd never be on a reality show, but only because i wouldn't want my mom to see the faces i make when i'm talking to her on the phone .",1,en
"I worry about people who write ""taken"" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren't we helping to find them",1,en
What is a math teacher's favorite kind of toilet paper? The kind that has multi ply's.,1,en
Took my anorexic friend to plate spinning classes. He was absolutely terrified... That they'd be food on them.,0,en
If a ship explodes Is there seamen everywhere,1,en
The fat acceptance movement... Is the only movement without movement,1,en
What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job? A Defective!,1,en
Q: What can save a dying blonde? A: Hair transplants.,0,en
What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible? When Jesus cleared the temple.,1,en
What is the opposite of a Predator? a Postdator,1,en
What do you call a woman who smiles at you when you leave the house and smiles again when you come back? Neighbor's wife!,1,en
lawyers are safe company to have for girls. they will be concerned about your honour more than their own,1,en
I've yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby's restroom,1,en
"A German entrepreneur is opening up a new furniture department store. Word is, its going to be called Kikea",1,en
What do you call Einstein masterbating? A stroke of genius,1,en
did you hear about the clumsy musician who tried gardening? he dropped the beet,1,en
Two aquatic mammals just broke up. They wanted to sea otter people,1,en
FREE WORLD There are currently no mods nor any automod rules. Let's see how it goes.,0,en
"""Hey mom, I talked to my teacher after school and she says 'hump day' isn't a real holiday... She also asked what you do for a living.""",0,en
Where does the Joker keep a record of his favourite shrubland areas? Heath Ledger.,1,en
Shakespeare loved to play video games... His favorite was Sonnet the hedgehog,1,en
How does an Eskimo build his house? Igloos it together.,1,en
Suicide jokes are funny But they don't live for long,1,en
"i just bought a christmas tree and my buddy asked , "" are you going to put that up yourself? "" i replied , "" no , i was thinking the living room . """,1,en
"Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam Son: ""Ey dad, what is Islam? "" Dad: ""Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion""",1,en
Money doesn't impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.,1,en
"What's red, white and sits in a hole in a tree? A sanitary owl",0,en
My life isnt even a joke A joke has meaning,0,en
the inventor of the red solo cup had died. his body was found under the sofa in the living room three days after his death,1,en
Why are protein shakes such loners? They're whey isolate.,1,en
"What did Woody's girlfriend say to him when she admitted to an affair with Buzz? ""You've got a friend in me.""",0,en
what do you mean by being loud? quiet the opposite .,1,en
i met a wheelchair user yesterday. he's a stand up guy,1,en
What's the difference between Michael j. Fox and an earthquake? Earthquakes stop shaking,0,en
Deaf people don't care about video file formats Because all videos they watch are GIFs,1,en
What do you call a pink slip served inside a bag of coffee? Grounds for termination.,1,en
what birds spend all their time on their knees? birds of prey !,1,en
If you laid everyone along Earth's equator. About half of them would be pregnant,1,en
two pens had a race. the result was a draw,1,en
"ME: I'll sleep on it. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok. ME: So wrap it up. I'd like to sleep on it tonight. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the... ok.",0,en
Have you seen www.stickytape.com? Yes I can't tear myself away.,0,en
"What did the puppy say to the skeleton Cmon, throw a dog a bone",1,en
How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death? By investing in a shavings account.,1,en
why didn't tim have any friends while he was studying fishing? because he would just go home and master bait .,0,en
facebook does not ruin relationships. relationships ruin facebook,0,en
"i'm not popular, but i have nice friends . i'm not rich but i have what i need . i may not be liked but i know i'm loved .",0,en
Since I've been eating subway I've lost some weight and had to switch up my wardrobe. Just like Jared Fogle I'm getting myself into smaller pants.,1,en
Where is the best place to buy authentic shrunken heads? Brazil,0,en
"I'm an early bird and a night owl, so I'm basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon",1,en
What's the difference between your grandmother and a carpet? I don't spit on the carpet when it's spread on the floor.,1,en
"What happens, when you let the gas out of carbonated water? Not much. It's still water",1,en
What do you call a marine mammal that should do something? An oughtter,1,en
what's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man? an instagram account .,0,en
i'm having trouble finishing my joke about tree surgery! stick joke here,0,en
How do you rank up in boy scouts? Sleep your way to the top,1,en
How are women like swimming pools? They cost a great deal to maintain considering the amount of time you spend in them.,1,en
Why are goldfish crackers always smiling? Because they're baked..,0,en
What do you call someone with downsydrome making a chicken casserole? A slow cooker,1,en
did you get that joke about the titanic? it took a while to sink in .,0,en
"no matter the medium, a well done burger joke is rare",1,en
what's the difference between a fig and a fig newton? a fig newton is force sensitive .,1,en
Whats the difference between a circus and The Rockettes? The circus is a cunning array of stunts...,1,en
"So I asked my Dad, ""What was on Grandpa's mind when he had that aneurysm? "" ""Probably a tumor.""",1,en
"If you are hotter than me, wouldn't that make me cooler than you.",0,en
Why did Gollum plant an herb garden? He heard thyme is precious,1,en
Everybody is talking about these new invisible bananas I just don't see the appeal.,1,en
a secretary and her boss secretary : do you wanna go out for dinner tonight? boss : i don't know . check if im free while i go get some coffee .,0,en
A caveman mathematician drops his glasses. All he says is secant,1,en
"Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I'm so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it's my husband.",0,en
"Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up? He had a lot of aspirations.",1,en
Who was the fastest renaissance painter? Polo Roid,0,en
What famous band sleeps the least? Slipknot,0,en
How do you make a shortcut? With small scissors.,0,en
did you hear about the paper boy? he blew away .,0,en
I really wanted my kid to be a kid so I gave birth directly into the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese's,0,en
What's more covered in sweat than a marathon runner at the end of a race? Josh Duggar at a family reunion.,1,en
not to brag but i'm never late for work without a good reason. for example this week my boss is on vacation threedots,0,en
"In German, the imperative is formed by opening your mouth and speaking German.",1,en
"on the bright side, every moment bieber spends tweeting is a moment he isn't spending recording or performing music .",1,en
what's the russian word for water? vodka,1,en
did you know you can drink lava? but only once !,0,en
"i love animals, and i want to stop eating meat threedots but i just can't quit cold turkey !",0,en
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence,1,en
"Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock. It's not great, but it gets me out the house",1,en
What does stephen hawking and a bull have in common? They both charge,1,en
What's the best part about being a mute? It goes without saying...,1,en
Round the Mountain by Sheelagh B. Cummin,0,en
Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!,1,en
What was BinLaden's favourite game in gym class? Bombardment,0,en
I've got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account...  They're prime mates...,0,en
"""It's now or nev"" ME: Never. I choose never",0,en
What's the best part about a child with cancer? I can eventually add another one to the fleshlight collection.,0,en
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul. Thank you for your time,0,en
never been to the blindfold shooting range? you don't know what you're missing .,1,en
what did the kidney say to the other kidney when it failed? urine trouble now .,1,en
"Rumor has it Pedals the upright walking bear has been killed by a hunter. But, remains unseen",1,en
You know what I get off on? Subway platforms.,0,en
What do you call it when the host of Who Wants to be a Millionaire messes up while reading the question? A Regis Error.,1,en
How do you comfort a woman after a miscarriage? Congratulate her on the weight loss.,1,en
Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene? Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.,0,en
"People always ask 'how do you cope with erectile disfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard",1,en
what do you call a leper in a hot tub? stew !,0,en
School shooters are great doctors All those teens don't have depression anymore,1,en
Why was the egg late for work? It ova slept.,0,en
Bill Cosby was actually very nice and gentle when i first met him I don't remember most of it though,1,en
How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.,0,en
"money isn't everything. you're credit is , however",1,en
"Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women. If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts",1,en
"when it comes to my diet, i don't do cheat days i do cheat years .",1,en
definition of laziness: it's a talent of taking rest before you get tired threedots coz prevention is better than cure,1,en
What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God? Anoobis,1,en
Anatomy joke What muscle is most responsible for lateral rotation of the neck? The gluteus maximus,1,en
"A cashier rings up a box of trash bags for a customer... Customer: ""I don't know why I keep buying these things, I just end up throwing them out anyways.""",1,en
I told some Ethiopian people a joke about food They didn't get it,1,en
Whats the difference between a depressed person and my clothes My clothes dont hang themselves,0,en
thanks for the gold! i'm an optimistic guy .,0,en
how embarrassing! i tripped and fell out of my clothes .,0,en
I have conversational ninja skills. People don't notice when I'm talking,1,en
What's a jewish man's favourite song? Tanakh Tanakh Tun,1,en
"i can't picture myself getting a tattoo i'll get married and have children, but a tattoo is just so permanent",1,en
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is... ...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.,1,en
"So I was out shopping for condoms when I saw my dad. ""Don't use this brand, I've tried it myself""",1,en
"My girlfriend is like the sun. She's bright, cheerful, and she goes down every night",1,en
What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.,1,en
"Is my phone like my child No, but it has a lot on it",0,en
"my wife said , compared to a lot of girls out here , that i'm lucky to have her . i said "" yeah? maybe , but i'll do my own research thank you "" .",1,en
so my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. well i've got some news for her,1,en
"Favourite books Do you know the name of my favourite book? ""George Floyd's BREATHTAKING adventures"".",0,en
What do you call a flying dinosaur who always gives you a chance? A Fairodactyl,1,en
"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like. Bananas",1,en
why did kanye blow up the bakery? because no one man should have all that flour .,0,en
"Not a Joke Stop with the Juice Wrld memes, they are overused and not even funny",0,en
Did you hear about the blind engineer? Who built the taj mahal,1,en
"How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp, and even.",0,en
What does society and a coconut have in common? The white part is the important part.,1,en
"What's the difference between a civilised russian and an unicorn? Nothing, they're both fictional",1,en
"we saw, we came threedots threedots and we were told to get out of the girls ' locker room .",0,en
"The espresso bar tech visited today. They adjusted my grind, turned up the heat, and blew out my steam wand",1,en
"Patrick: ""Did you see my underwear?"" Mindy: ""No. "" Patrick: ""Do you wanna?""",0,en
how do you make a dog drink? you put it in a blender .,1,en
hot singles in your area are tired of it all. just so tired,1,en
We need a new subreddit for dark jokes. That's all. Nothing else to say.,0,en
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything,1,en
""" bones ? "" i said. "" is that you ? "" "" in the flesh "" , it replied",1,en
Did you know that William Shakespeare died on the same day he was born? He must have been a fast writer!,0,en
My wife caught me sleeping with her sister. I'm not sure why she's mad. The autopsy went off without a hitch.,1,en
I love being a pessimist. I'm either always right or pleasantly surprised,1,en
Waiter waiter! There's a mosquito in my soup. Don't worry sir mosquitoes have very small appetites,1,en
"a woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument .",1,en
I really wanna watch Fast and the Furious But the spoilers ruined it for me,0,en
Why did the dinner roll spend his afternoon knocking on doors? He was a Jehovah's Wheatness,1,en
"i named my wifi after my ex girlfriend. i never really connect with it , it's very slow and also because i caught my neighbour using it",1,en
Why did the python return his pants? They were too constricting.,1,en
what are the fine brothers favorite elements? the noble gases because they don't react,1,en
"the sausage principle. if you like something , never find out how it's made",1,en
"""Old McDonald had a farm...""  ...sang the cheery repossession man.",1,en
so I heard The Rock was cooking. can you smell it,0,en
A girl in Syria went to a party She had a blast. Guys were having a tough time picking her up. ,1,en
"My Child's Paediatrician is usually a bit short tempered when we visit, but then again.. ..She always had little patients.",1,en
all men make mistakes. married men just find out about them quicker,1,en
"Sundaes are half off. The rest of the week, you pay full price!",0,en
MIGRATING BIRDS Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: It's too far to walk.,0,en
Q: What lives in the sea and yells? A: A clam shouter.,0,en
What is a water bottle's favorite game to play? Follow the litre.,0,en
"What's the most annoying part of having dementia? Wait, I always forget the punchline.",1,en
"i found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning .",1,en
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.,1,en
"I like a lot of different kinds of breakfast, but I only eat one at a time. I'm a cereal monogamist",1,en
"my wife is always like , "" you answer the door , i don't even have my bra on! "" and for that reason , i have stopped wearing a bra .",1,en
What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed? How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes,1,en
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work,1,en
Want to hear a clean joke Window cleaner,0,en
"An axe walks into a forest... An axe walks into a forest and the trees say, ""At least the handle is one of us.""",1,en
"If I had to describe myself in one word... It would be, ""Unable to follow instructions.""",1,en
I built a lighthouse. but it blew away,0,en
What do Brussels sprouts and pubic have in common? You push them to the side and keep eating,1,en
"i can control sheep by just listening to them it's true, i heard them with my own ears",1,en
What's a bridges favourite genre of film? Suspense tion,1,en
"On a room full of doctors, how do you find the gynecologist? It's easy. It's the one with the watch on his elbow.",1,en
"Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.",0,en
Why did Kyle Crane have to change the lightbulb? because he had a dying light,0,en
teacher : did your father help you with your homework? student : no he did it all by himself,1,en
What is osamas least favorite animal? Seals.,1,en
Did you hear about the injured condiment? He had to be rushed to the Mayo Clinic.,1,en
What's similar between my tools and my wife? Their both tied up in the shed,1,en
i think my scale is broken. it only ever goes up,0,en
What's Dave's favorite music genre? Meta.,0,en
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal... ...until the pressure got to him.,1,en
"Lebron's life is like one big compass. He went South, His hairline went North, his dad went East and his mom went Delonte West",0,en
"I was about to leave my house, but then I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. It was an unexpected turd of events.",1,en
"On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number. Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit",1,en
What do you call partially cooked pasta on fire? Aldente's Inferno. ,1,en
what's the difference between a hippie chick and a pizza? i don't peel the crust off of a pizza before i eat it,1,en
Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda. The Exploder,1,en
What is Caitlyn Jenner's favorite song? More than a Woman by the BeeGees,0,en
"My buddy asked me what it's like now that I'm circumcized I told him not much has changed, I just get a little less head.",1,en
"repeat after me: it doesn't matter how big the problem is , posting it on facebook won't solve it .",0,en
why did the mother feed her newborn lamb? because it's baby food .,1,en
What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song? Do You Hear what I Hear,0,en
What do you get from a frozen zombie? Frost bite. ;D,0,en
what is santa's motto? wrap your package before you shove it down the chimney .,0,en
teacher : i said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? pupil : yes the cow ate all the grass !,0,en
"My grandfather told me this joke. A man jumps off a skyscraper. Halfway down, he says: ""so far so good""",1,en
did you hear about the constipated accountant? he couldn't budget .,1,en
When you dream in color... ...is it a pigment of your imagination?,1,en
Imagine being in space and floating past all the planets. You could probably go kart on Saturn's rings,0,en
What does 's' in 'me' stand for? Sober,1,en
i think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. she left a note by the bed telling me i had until tomorrow to have my bags packed,0,en
what has four wheels and can't support a family? a liberal arts major . i lied about the wheels .,1,en
"if your clock strikes thirteen , what time is it? time to get a new clock .",0,en
What is Napoleon Dynamite's Favorite TV Dinner? Tot Pockets,0,en
I don't trust insomniac philosophers. They're up to know good,1,en
why a centipede cannot fly coach? not enough leg room !,0,en
"i need all zombie jokes you know, reddit .",0,en
"Did you hear about the Furry who started frequenting SomethingAwful? Hare today, Goon tomorrow!",0,en
I want to work in salon. So I can get paid to give facials,1,en
"I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.",1,en
why did the comedian go to doctor? because the audience gave him the clap,1,en
Why was the next time james bond movie delayed to next year? Because if it was released this year it would leave sean Connery with no time to die,1,en
"whenever people say "" anything is possible "", i think about trying to staple pudding to a tree .",1,en
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough,1,en
What is Gucci Mane's favorite kind of cheese? Gruyeauuuurrrrrrrrrr,0,en
"when the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife .",1,en
what kind of bear is best? one that gets you an oscar,1,en
What kind of transportation does the Pope take? Mass transit.,1,en
What do you call a chicken with no legs and no wings? A chicken nugget,1,en
"a cowboy rides into town on friday , stays three days , and leaves on friday . how'd he do it? the horses name was friday .",1,en
Did you hear? There was an active shooter at the observatory! He was shooting for the stars!,0,en
What is the warmest part about winter? Hyperthermia ,1,en
"Husband: ""Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog? "" Wife: ""Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce Shall we go out and have a cake'!""",1,en
when do the leaves begin to turn? the night before a test .,1,en
"said she was gonna send a pic of her "" backyard '. turns out we weren't on the same page",1,en
What did the doctor say When a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable? ...what's tomato with you,0,en
"Overheard at work: ""that is music to my ears"". Where else would the music go smartypants?",1,en
failed my wasp collection exam. got a bee,0,en
"Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.",1,en
An oral surgeon messed up in the OR. He swears it was accidental.,1,en
men don't care what's on tv. they only care what else is on tv,1,en
"What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved? Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....",0,en
how do you spell women backwards? kitchen,1,en
What is a seals favorite night time activity? Clubbing,1,en
What happened after the axe bomb went into the synagogue? Axeuwitzs,1,en
"If I was a video game character, the 'B' button would activate my special move: Avoiding conversations.",0,en
My math teacher tells me to find the X But i can't cause he dead,0,en
What did the Canadian Reddit user say? Ehhhhh lmao,0,en
The only difference between fit and fat is one letter It's u ,1,en
"my girlfriend asked me : "" reddit or me? "" sometimes i miss her .",1,en
I'm not a fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks,1,en
My friend composes lyrics about sewing machines. She's a Singer songwriter,1,en
Lost My Job I've been sacked from my job as a roller coaster ride operator. I'm suing them for funfair dismissal,1,en
"My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy. It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat",1,en
"he doesn't know the meaning of fear threedots but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of most words .",1,en
"remember, when someone calls you mean threedots just tell them that you prefer the term average .",1,en
are candles happy or sad when they are put out? they are delighted .,1,en
what's the best part about dating a homeless girl? you can drop her off anywhere !,0,en
"What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef? ""Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!""",1,en
What's the brightest star in Africa? Starvation,0,en
Why are no mosquitoes better than Helen Keller? Because they can see and hear.,1,en
"a man walks up to two nuns and reveals himself to them, one had a stroke threedots threedots the other couldn't quite reach .",0,en
"Once I had a meal and it was a blast. Next thing you know, had a lot of gas!",0,en
What did the salt say to the pepper? Season's greetings!,0,en
"the best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. by law , they can only charge you for one slice",1,en
"My wife came in and yelled ""What are these clothes on the floor? ""...... ""A dead Jedi"" I replied",1,en
"If we're strictly talking body count, then I'm a morning person.",1,en
"A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in ""I want to be a history major,"" he says. The dad responds, ""No you don't! There's no future in it!""",1,en
"you aren't gonna believe, who is beautiful read the first two words",0,en
What's the difference between a ice cream cone and frozen baby Ones a delicious frozen treat the others a dead baby,0,en
"I'm Winston Wolf, I fix problems. So I hear you're having a bad hair day",0,en
A drummer with no feet spoke poorly of the lead singer. His articulations were baseless,1,en
midterms and finals are like prayers to god. i never get answers,1,en
how can a room full of couples be empty? there wasn't a single person in there .,0,en
eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat,1,en
where does wonder woman buy all her stuff? amazon .,0,en
What do a slinky and a pregnant woman have in common? They both make you smile when you push them down the stairs,1,en
why does an actor enjoy his work so much? because it's all play .,1,en
"if google can't find the answer, it's not a question .",1,en
What do the woman from southern California and the clouds over the Pacific coast have in commen? They're both Marine layers,1,en
why do priests wear underwear in the shower? they don't like to look down on the unemployed,1,en
Kobe Bryant's birthday is today... I don't think he'll be celebrating.,0,en
What's Nigel Thornberry's favorite band? The Smashing Pumpkins.,0,en
"After years of cooking, I've found that the best way to prepare brussels sprouts is to throw them away and order pizza.",1,en
Babies in the olden days Were just winter food storage Farm in the spring reap in the winter,1,en
"always put your best foot forward. unless you're wearing crocs , then neither foot is your best",1,en
"When they said, ""we're all in this together"" they were actually talking about a big internet argument.",1,en
"titanic, but with literally thousands of cats .",1,en
What did Hellen Keller not see when she fell? ..... the floor,0,en
"i started a company threedots threedots with my wife. then my sister in law joined us , now it's a crowd",0,en
what's the biggest advantage of being a smoker? not having to set aside money for your old age .,1,en
"i went to a bookshop And asked for a book about tortoises. The woman asked ""hardback? "" I said ""yeah, and little heads.""",1,en
How did the vegetable farmer fix his flat tire on his truck? with asparagus...,0,en
"My wife packed a kale and quinoa salad for lunch for me today, so now I have to eat it hiding in the bathroom so people don't think I'm a hipster.",1,en
School pictures Today I have school pictures and I'm so excited because tomorrow I get rally out and its only Wednesday!,0,en
"The doc asked me if I reduced the cigarettes that I smoke. ""Yes,"" I replied. ""That's pretty much how it works...""",1,en
"In grammar school, most unplanned pregnancies happen early on. before anyone knows how to use the colon",1,en
my friends pet mouse elvis just died. he was caught in a trap,0,en
"Many of my tumblr friends identify as otherkin. Be it wolfkin, eaglekin or yes even fantasykin. I myself identify as a jedi. So I'm forcekin.",1,en
"maybe she's born with it, maybe it's compulsive engagement in pleasurable habits despite their negative consequences",1,en
"a man finds a job at an elephant circumcision office. his salary is so low that he wants to quit , but then he sees that the tips are huge !",1,en
I am so good in bed. I can stay there all day long,0,en
What's the difference between Ben Roethlisberger and a therapist? There's a space between the E and the R,1,en
"The term ""Expecting a baby"" implies uncertainty. Like we're almost sure it's a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows",1,en
What does the women does in the living room? She is traveling because her place is in the kitchen.,1,en
Why was the robber bionic? He was holding up a bank.,0,en
How many stars are in the sky? All of them.,0,en
She was eleven And we were eleven!,0,en
why was the computer programmer single? because he couldn't commit .,1,en
"I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today... I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying ""curiosity was here.""",0,en
How would Saitama defeat all S class heroes? Consecutive normal punches,0,en
a pen and a pencil race . who won? the pencil . he lead from start to finish .,0,en
"I liked The Hobbit books, but Harry Potter? That's a different story...",0,en
How do you get rid of capitalism? Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.,1,en
what do you get when one rapper eats another? FOOD CHAINZZZ!!,0,en
"remember when dresses were slightly longer but still cute , and when i bent over my gender didn't show? i want those back .",1,en
So I'm dating a half asian girl  Her mom is japanese And her dad is also japanese... She lost her legs in a car accident.,0,en
What did the spaceman see in his frying pan? An unidentified frying object.,1,en
What is the difference between a used tire and a year supply of used condoms? The first one is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.,1,en
I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo,1,en
"No One Understands Me I'm a barefooter, so no one can walk a mile in my shoes.",1,en
"what lies dead , a hundred feet in the air? a dead centipede",0,en
Which actor is a dog's favorite? Bark Ruffaro,0,en
What do redditors give one another on Christmas? Gifs.,1,en
"Dear Applicant, Your resume appears to be a string of stolen tweets. Congratulations, you're our new VP of Marketing!",0,en
when should you feel sorry for a skunk? when its spray pump is out of order !,0,en
I call my husband current. He likes it better than number two,0,en
I was shocked after finding out Harry Potter was a gender fluid furry But I really the author was jk.,0,en
i'm getting pretty hungry. i haven't eaten all year !,0,en
why did the plumber cry? his family died .,0,en
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don't know exactly what she's planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me,1,en
They say science disproves Islam But they also say the world started with a BANG,1,en
"What does Barbie say when the drought finally ends? It's raining Ken, hallelujah....",0,en
Did you hear about the power surge across the street? I heard it was a shocking experience.,1,en
I got a proctology exam from my doctor yesterday. I really need to find a new dentist.,1,en
where does biggest potato grow? under the ground .,1,en
Why did Comic Sans's girlfriend leave him? He just wasn't her type.,0,en
What do you use to transport pittas? A flatbread truck,1,en
"Friend: You're going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay? Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.",0,en
love is never having to say you're sorry. marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not,1,en
"what did the fruit say to the vegetable before dinner? lettuce , pray .",1,en
"For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles.",1,en
What is the weakest vegetable? My brother Jim,0,en
Who is Peter Scully's favorite character from the Mario series? Princess Daisy.,0,en
Why did the twins fear co ordinate geometry? Because there were more than one planes,1,en
Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength? Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.,1,en
Why does Yoda like having a lot of things to do? It makes his Dagobah faster.,0,en
"couldn't figure out how to set up my stereo system, so i called my dad threedots he gave me some sound advice .",1,en
i don't like my computer memory. not one bit,0,en
Why keyboards... Why keyboards don't sleep? Because they have two shifts!,1,en
a rabbit trap fell on my head. it got caught on my hair,0,en
dear prisoners : how about liquid soap? you're welcome .,0,en
When I worked for the USPS a number of years ago I found the work to be slightly monotonous. It really helped me work on my delivery though,1,en
IT guy wants to be an astronaut Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut? So he can find router space.,1,en
What's the only type of dog that doesn't bark? A dogfish!,0,en
what do you call a korean with special needs? special k,1,en
"A guy and his girlfriend are talking Her: Come over. Him: I'm coming over. Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.",1,en
How did Jack grow his portfolio? He invested in beanstocks!,0,en
what are stories about oranges? pulp fiction,1,en
"The average woman would rather be beautiful, than smart. because the average man can see better than he can think",1,en
"Hey, did you hear that Bill Cosby is writing classical music? I just heard his latest piece called, ""Quaa De Lude"".",1,en
why is food better than men? because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds .,1,en
The definition of Baroque: A time when there is no Monet.,1,en
Did you hear about the bird that lost all of its feathers in a volcano? It was moltin'.,0,en
How do you make a redditor. Click on a post,0,en
"when a boy falls , what does he fall against? his will",1,en
The next Mario Kart game... Should be named MKultra.,0,en
"When my friends told me to come with them to Europe, that I will sleep on Euro... I didn't know they meant Euro pallets...",1,en
Despite the cost of living. It still remains so popular,1,en
im not narcissistic. i'm perfect,0,en
What do you call a cow stable in Egypt? A Mubarack,1,en
i feel like i second guess myself too much. but then again i'm not really sure,0,en
"What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman? Wait, I can explain everything!",0,en
"I got a cat the other day. I had to swerve, but I got it",0,en
How do you make soup gold? You put in fourteen carrots.,1,en
I tried being selfless. It's not for me,0,en
What class does everyone remember fondly from Highschool? Nostalgebra,0,en
"The McDonald's McRib is back, and there's now an app that helps you find one. It's called Fattr",0,en
"We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.",1,en
How did the farmer deal with the stubborn sheep's wool? With shear willpower,1,en
What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough? He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.,1,en
Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury I need to buy a smaller sundial.,0,en
"a flight attendant says to a man threedots "" would you like headphones ? "" the man replies, "" how did you know my name was phones ? """,1,en
"The Dentist says, ""When was the last time you flossed? "" The Patient replies, ""You should know, you were there!"" Heard this at the dentist this morning",1,en
can february march? don't know but april may threedots,0,en
why are crabs always tired? because they sleep in snatches .,1,en
"When ever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap. Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise",0,en
Where do snowmen dance? At the snowball!,0,en
"Whenever I get a ""Final Notice"" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.",1,en
what's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick? it doesn't matter where you drop them off .,1,en
What is Syrians favorite game? It's Rocket League.,1,en
we all know that light travels faster than sound. that's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak,1,en
We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation,1,en
Peter Dinklage is a Star! He is a White Dwarf.,0,en
I would make a sparrow joke. But they don't fly very well,1,en
What did the emo kids play in the Christmas play? The tree ornaments,1,en
"In shop class... student: where do you keep your nails? teacher: on my hands, where else",1,en
Did you hear about the barefoot bridegroom? He got cold feet.,1,en
"The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.",1,en
"Don't hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.",0,en
"why are scary movie hallways and my uncle alike? They both are long, dark and hard.",1,en
"I'm sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don't really get the metric system. How much exactly is ""in moderation""?",1,en
A dog gave birth to puppies on the side of the road. She was cited for littering,1,en
why is there no life on mars? no wifi threedots,0,en
"According to the Bible, what's Noah's favorite fruit? Pears.",1,en
Doctor Doctor Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?,0,en
What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'? They are both santa clauses.,1,en
"Roses are red, Violets are Blue. Nothing poetic, they are just facts",1,en
What makes rock stars great campers? Their living situation is intense.,1,en
"i can count the number of times i've been to chernobyl one one hand. it's zero , because i've never been to chernobyl",0,en
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations.,0,en
Guys I have a solution. Say biack but capitalize the I. It looks like the word bIack.,1,en
You know what they say about corn? You only borrow it...,0,en
"I bought this lovely impressionist painting of some flowers, but as soon as I got home, the cat scratched it !! All I'm left with now...is a Clawed Monet.",0,en
What do you call a woman who doesn't have dinner ready on time? An ambulance. ,1,en
"Autocorrect just changed ""what are your plans"" to ""plants"". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or sunflowers?",1,en
why was the accountant constipated? he couldn't budget .,1,en
What's the opposite of Robin Williams? No Robin Williams,0,en
"animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. like the night before the last earthquake , our dog took the car keys and drove off",1,en
I bought some jumper cables. still deciding what cliff though.,0,en
little known fact: mirrors are the leading cause of death among people who have looks that kill .,1,en
We all make mistakes. especially your parents,0,en
"looking to find a way to say "" i'm not mad at you "" without actual human communication? try a facebook like today !",0,en
What did the disabled kid do at his mother funeral? Stand up,1,en
"I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into. Everyone",0,en
Strippers are a lot like magnets. They work by poles,1,en
I made a song. in the tuna fish,0,en
"i start every conversation with my employees by saying, "" i shouldn't be telling you this "" just so i know they will listen .",1,en
"Now I'm not saying pollution has hit dangerous levels in New Delhi, but all my friends there are celebrating Nausea November.",1,en
How was the Red Sea formed? Over a long period of time.,1,en
What do you call the area where a horse lives? The NEIGHHHHHHborhood,1,en
"husband says to his wife "" you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back ! "" she says "" what do you expect? you're in a wheelchair . """,1,en
"I've often wondered, are People with photographic memories born with that ability.. ..or does it just take time to develop ?",1,en
Ross's sister had a fear of wind instruments So Chandler played the drums. He didn't want to Harm Monica,1,en
of course i care about the environment. i spray air freshener every time i leave the restroom don't i ?,1,en
There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation. He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again,0,en
what is the average math teacher like? mean .,1,en
Why was the little boy speaking gibberish? Because he lost his marbles.,0,en
What is the best thing about being in the Navy? Being surrounded by lots of seaman!,1,en
Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ....,1,en
Does anyone remember the name of the play Lincoln watched? I heard it blew his mind.,1,en
Still waiting for my baby's first words!  Forgetting him in the fridge for a week probably has'nt helped though...,0,en
"""I'm so sorry"", I go around whispering to people who've just woken up from a coma.",1,en
Why do petri dishes make good conversationalists? They're cultured.,1,en
Just received a full body scan. Airport lady says I should probably see a doctor but is frustratingly unspecific,1,en
Did you hear about the skywriter's autobiography? It was way over my head.,1,en
I made a terrible mistake when I searched for Gary Oldman on Google. I forgot the R,0,en
to impress the guys i told them i was dating an artist. i didn't tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches,1,en
Why was the lawyer home early? Briefcase,0,en
"It's a man's job to respect a woman. But, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect",1,en
Have you heard of the new Xman? Caitlyn Jenner,0,en
Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig? because he forgot toupee ,0,en
what was king arthur's favourite game? knights and crosses !,0,en
overheard at the coffee shop: ' i think that guy is listening to our conversation ',1,en
"Did you guys hear that Ellen Degeneres died? Yeah, they found her face down in Ricki Lake.",0,en
I found out today it's OK to date a nun. You just can't get in the habit,0,en
how did the blind priest find the choir boys? satisfying .,1,en
"my sister asked if i stole her cream sweater . uh , yeah . who else would've stolen it? you think a burglar broke in and was like "" cute top ! """,1,en
Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils? He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.,1,en
Whats the difference between Anne Frank and a fleshlight My fleshlight is tighter ,0,en
My family is truly my treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.,0,en
Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery,1,en
I visited Beirut port: The trip was a banger..,0,en
How did the steak chef at the courthouse like his paycheck? In legal tender,1,en
Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed,0,en
Wanna know my favourite movie from the middle east Suicide Squad.,0,en
Q: What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing? A: Help! My pocket's been picked!,0,en
"i just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and i think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves .",1,en
"What is the difference between walking up the stairs and looking up the stairs? One is stepping up the stairs, the other is staring up the steps.",1,en
what do you call a bald chair ? a 'c',1,en
"When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write ""HELP ME"" while maintaining eye contact",1,en
what does december have that other months dont have? the letter d .,0,en
Have you ever heard of the remote petri culture? They have different jeans then the rest.,1,en
"Just remember, you can't please everyone. So just focus on what's important, pleasing me",0,en
"My freind did a girl's hair at work, and now their dating  He's a mortician.",1,en
What does Salvador Dali eat for breakfast? Milk and Surreal.,1,en
There are three things a bride thinks of on her wedding day As she arrives and sees her husband to be. Aisle Alter Him,0,en
Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?,0,en
Tried to start an origami company. It folded,1,en
With four days left until the end of the world. I should really try to get better at subtraction,0,en
"I've got an inferiority complex. But frankly, it's not a very good one",1,en
what is the toughest religion to get into? the difficult .,1,en
"She met So, I introduced my kids to this lady I've been seeing Then, she asked for a towel",1,en
"i like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask , "" wait , there's donuts? "" and i say , "" sorry , last one ! "" and then eat it .",1,en
"When I was a kid, my grandfather told me his teeth are like the stars... ...they come out at night.",1,en
happiness is a relative thing. i finally have some extra money and suddenly my relatives are happy,1,en
""" i'm going bananas! "" threedots is what i tell my bananas when i leave the house .",0,en
What's the difference between a Bird and a Syrian? Birds don't explode,1,en
What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room? You made the chain too long in the kitchen.,0,en
Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.,1,en
what did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood? that's a huge axe man !,0,en
What's green and eats nuts? Syphillis,0,en
A Cellular Service Provider Joke What did the man with Verizon say to the woman with Sprint? You better Sprint on over to the Verizon store.,0,en
"No, no, no, you don't have to engage in a long explanation of why you're single. We've spent five minutes together, I think I've got it",0,en
"hey joe , do you pray before every meal? no mark , my wife is a good cook .",0,en
I went to the orphanage recently When I was cooking them in stew they had mixed feelings,1,en
The Disabled Kid One day the disabled kid prayed to god to take his disability away and God said you lack developer options,0,en
"teacher : whoever answers my next question , can go home . one boy throws his bag out the window . teacher : who just threw that? boy : me ! i'm going home now .",0,en
Rose's are red. Nothing lasts forever. You're the reason. I lost no nut November Not sure if this is the right place for this but here it is,0,en
What is Auschwitz registered as on Google Maps? Bakery.,0,en
"Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion? He couldn't afford it; he was ""Baroque"".",1,en
What do you get when you mix yoga and scouting? Concentration camps.,1,en
To the inventor of suspenders...  You deserve the Nobelt prize!,0,en
How are your mom and dishwasher related? Your dad can't turn either one on,0,en
"Remember, Kids. If you can't say anything nice, well, it's probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway",1,en
What's the difference between Pamela Anderson and a rotting fish in the hot sun? If you really had to you could eat the fish.,0,en
why is pinocchio so good in the bedroom? he nose what he's doing,0,en
"When people tell me ""You're gonna regret that in the morning"" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver",1,en
"My dentist offered to give me dentures for only a dollar. It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth",1,en
"What were Stan Lee's last words? Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good",0,en
I like my coffee so black It harvests it's own sugar,1,en
What is soft and used daily? My bedspread.,1,en
"What does my ex have in common with a brick wall? Easy to lay, hard to get rid of.",1,en
how many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty easter basket? one . after that the basket won't be empty .,0,en
Scientist have found a rare mutation in some goats. It's called the Billy gene and causes them to believe that the kid is not their son,1,en
What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeeoooooowwwwww!,0,en
"The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.",0,en
"So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened. It just didn't make scents",1,en
What do you call the disabled aisle in a hospital? The salad bar. ,1,en
what do you award to someone who comments in a thread from a month ago? reddit old,0,en
"if you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than i do .",1,en
I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company. We're not very good,1,en
Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats? Because they're both in bread,1,en
What is Popeye's favorite Led Zeppelin song? Olive My Love,1,en
Violence is never the answer. Violence is the question. The answer is yes.,1,en
Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!,0,en
"what did the light bulb say to the switch? "" you turn me on . """,1,en
when the wheel was invented. it started a revolution,1,en
Why is Michael Jackson the King of pop? He's popped many cherries.,0,en
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and you create a market for bait and tackle,0,en
What should they have renamed the Pulse nightclub to? No pulse nightclub ,1,en
why doesn't the sun go to college? because he has a million of degrees .,1,en
"In addition to Billie Chin and little Sammy Chong, there is another character in Carl Douglas's ""Kung Fu Fighting. "" Expert Tai Ming",1,en
Why is the food in Africa always better? Anything tastes good when you've been starving for the past two days.,1,en
i was at a urinal when i realized standing to my left was muhammad ali and to my right was michael j. fox threedots bad day to wear sandals,0,en
"What did one stegosaurus say to the other stegosaurus? ""There's a sale on at the fern store!""",1,en
"Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have.",0,en
"what did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "" i love you a ton ! """,1,en
"I am so smart and good at arguments. I am so smart and good at arguments, that in the end I end up beating myself",1,en
What is the highest form of flattery? A plateau. ,1,en
what do computer experts do at weekends? go for a disk drive .,1,en
What did Michael Jackson do when parents stopped letting their kids goto Neverland? Just Beat It.,0,en
My family was so poor we couldn't afford toys. So my mom would cut holes in our pockets so we'd have something to play with,1,en
"a man calls in sick threedots "" it's my eyes , "" he says . "" what's wrong with them? "" his boss asks . "" i just can't see myself coming to work today . """,1,en
happy valentine's day! so what's everyone doing with their cats tonight ?,0,en
Where do snowmen keep their money? In a snowbank !,0,en
Did you hear a bunch of surgeons are at the comedy club? It's open Mike night.,1,en
Did ya hear Monica Lewinsky has figured out how to make a million dollars? She's gonna market her own line of cigar cutters,1,en
"But, your honor. she told me she shaved it",0,en
"WIFE: omg Will Smith's son, Jaden, is dead ME: where'd you see that? W: Facebook M: I'm pretty sure that's a hoax W: no Facebook is real",0,en
Idea for a podcast: Friends hang out together and have deep and meaningful discussions and nobody records it and it's not a podcast.,1,en
"What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common? If you pull the ring, your house is gone.",1,en
I cut myself while shaving the other day I've gotten pretty good at multitasking,1,en
"Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!",0,en
"my girlfriend said that me being a mime was too much, and she was leaving but i couldn't bring myself to say anything",0,en
Why did the marathon runner carry condiment packets in their pocket? In case they needed a little ketchup.,1,en
I told a joke at a funeral Nobody laughed but one guy was dead.,0,en
FOR SALE: Faulty Guitar. No strings attached,1,en
"What's the difference between a campfire and a bedroom? When things start heating up in the bedroom, the wood gets wetter.",1,en
What's a vampire's favourite dance? The vaults!,0,en
"i was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers",1,en
Fifty Shades of Grey was disappointing. All those blindfolds and not a single person swung at a pinata,1,en
why did the blonde crawl over the glass wall? because she wanted to see whats on the other side .,0,en
how did the sun die? it went to detroit .,0,en
What do you call a policewoman who hasn't shaved for a week? Constable,1,en
i am really good at making jokes. title,0,en
"i showed my family facebook a few years ago , and haven't heard from them since. best decision ever",1,en
men are like roses. but watch out for the pricks,0,en
What's the difference between a bottle of water and a bottle of bleach? I don't drink the water,1,en
What's the most dangerous animal in the world? A Bluebird with a Tommy Gun.,0,en
What happens if you put your earphone on the outlet? You're going to listen Avicci live,0,en
i always make it a point to become friends with babies. that's free cake once a year for a lifetime,0,en
Why did God invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn,1,en
"After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way, the verb not the adjective",1,en
I just found a new Batman shampoo. I was so disappointed when I found out they don't make conditioner Gordon,0,en
What wer the first rice krispie treat makers? Fat Man and Little Boy,0,en
What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore? Row v. Wade,1,en
What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope? HUBBLE HUBBLE!,0,en
"If Caitlyn Jenner wanted to play a marvel villain, what would she be called? Tranos. ",0,en
"You know what West Virginians say about dating, don't you? The closer the kin, the better the skin.",1,en
you guys wanna hear a joke? ellen pao,0,en
what would you get if you crossed king kong with a skunk? i don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus !,0,en
I'm not afraid of taking off my socks I just get cold feet.,0,en
"I think i'm spending too much time around my gf's family. I mean, her husband's going to notice sooner or later",0,en
I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning. I just think it's a waste of thyme,1,en
"What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado? The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown",0,en
What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor? The training.,1,en
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?' 'Not that many!',1,en
anyone else get the feeling their being watched? nsa : they're .,1,en
Nobody: Automodderator: Edit:i kid you not this was previously deleted by auto mod. Happy to show proof in pm. ,0,en
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you I'll stop.,1,en
"when a bite of food falls off your plate threedots and you just stare at it on the ground like, "" we could've made each other happy threedots """,1,en
Is it necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down? Not all of us are surgeons.,1,en
What's the most autistic paper towel brand? Downy ,1,en
what does mike tyson eat after a long time on twitter? tweets of course ! threedots and then your family .,0,en
what's the three toughest years of a bass player? second grade .,1,en
It's not that bad being short. You don't need to take into account the height of the room when you're buying rope.,0,en
Whats it called when you give a dolphin food for it to do a trick? Squid Pro Quo,1,en
a comedian does funny things. a good comedian does things funny,1,en
"i decided to sell my hoover threedots well, it was just collecting dust .",0,en
What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest !,0,en
What do you get from an overly pampered cow? Spoiled milk.,1,en
I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up. goodnight,0,en
What's the best part of a baker's body? Their buns.,1,en
Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane? The steaks couldn't have been higher.,1,en
How accurate is the bible? Very!! Especially when thrown from a short distance...hits the target almost always.,0,en
"""Hey bro can you leave me some of the snack? You're eating way too much."" I said ""sure"", then proceeded to put the cat down.",0,en
"How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table? He says, ""Gourmet I be excused?""",1,en
Good news everyone! I've found another person who's voice you can hear in your head when reading one single phrase.... AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA,0,en
JUST BECAUSE WE DON'T DISTINGUISH A COMMENT DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE UNMODDED then we couldn't do anything without getting yelled at for removing a post,1,en
How are babies and alarm clocks similar.  They both stop making noise if you throw them at the wall hard enough.,1,en
My favorite superheros are. Baskin and Robbin,0,en
Leonard da Vinci invented scissors... ...two women helped inspire it,1,en
What do you call a dog cartographer? Newfoundland,1,en
"i bought my wife some of that "" volume control "" shampoo. doesn't work , i can still hear her",1,en
What is the statistic that Venezuela holds number one spot worldwide? Least number of stray dogs on their cities,1,en
What insect runs away from everything? A flee !,0,en
What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?  The top urner.,1,en
"Chuck Norris donates blood, just not his own",0,en
"when you talk to ghosts , they always tell the truth. when you speak with them , they're really transparent",1,en
jill : have you read the bible? jack : no i'm waiting for the film to come round .,0,en
customer : there's something wrong with my hot dogs. waiter : sorry i'm a waiter not a veterinarian,1,en
"jesus never fails if jesus was a program , he would never fail . why? because he was born in a stable environment .",1,en
how many husbands have i had? you mean apart from my own,0,en
It's gotta be nice being a mortician. People are always dying to meet you,0,en
"Jokes . . . . I need some jokes to crack my ultra resistant friends, Please Help! P.S I don't care whether they are rude or not.",0,en
"the word of the day is "" legs. "" spread the word !",1,en
I've just achieved a week and counting without Reddit! I just had to tell you guys of my accomplishment,0,en
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.,1,en
Why does C. Ronaldo comb his hair every game break? So it won't get too Messi.,0,en
Why did the smoothie get assassinated? He got mixed up with a few bad apples.,1,en
What Pokemon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro? Zikachu.,0,en
"My son said, ""Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, 'My life has been a complete failure.'? "" I said, ""Not unless you're standing behind me.""",1,en
"This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!",0,en
teacher : name five things that contain milk. pupil : butter cheese ice cream threedots and two cows !,0,en
INTERVIEWER: I noticed you use a lot of contractions in your writing. Are there any you don't like? ME: T'ain't one.,1,en
did you hear about the famous nudist? he wanted more exposure .,1,en
If someone on the Windows team at Microsoft gets fired. would you say they've been defenestrated,1,en
The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons. I asked if I had to quit cold turkey,1,en
"yeah , i had a good weekend. mostly just ran around the theater screaming "" the book was better ! whatever you're seeing , the book was better ! """,1,en
"Lots of you want to talk to the boy I'm holding hostage, but you can't. He's a bit tied up right now.",0,en
What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship? Subduction!,1,en
Some of those Mardi Gras beads could serve a dual purpose. Don't act like you hadn't thought about it,0,en
Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone? He sent out an SMS to the world.,0,en
If we had a nuclear war we'd be set back a thousand years... But if Africa got bombed they'd be set back a few months,0,en
did you hear how chewbacca did in his first year of the nfl? he was wookie of the year,1,en
what do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? a carrot !,0,en
Person to his blind girlfriend: I'd rearrange the alphabets for you Girlfriend: aww but why? Person: that's the only way U can C,0,en
Why does Calvin Harris like reading fairy tales? He loves a good happy ending,1,en
What do you call a long vegetable that flies in a V? asparagoose,1,en
"i don't think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball i threw at her",1,en
"The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.",1,en
I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation. Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already,0,en
you know how Stephen Hawkings die? windows xp logout sound,0,en
Whats bigger in Africa compared to the US? Child mortality rates,1,en
What do you call a fake record player? A phonygraph,1,en
"Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner.",0,en
People are like snowflakes: Everyone of us is unique And it's really difficult to drive when lot's of them are under your tires,1,en
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation. Google Earth says everything is just fine,0,en
"Why are most Plaques, white if they're plaque?",1,en
what do my toaster and i have in common? we both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time .,1,en
why did i divide sin by tan? just cos .,1,en
"opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a jehovah's witness .",1,en
"What is the official ice cream flavor of the Academy Awards? Vanilla, because it's all white.",1,en
How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable? He tried to stirrup some interest!,1,en
I use my notebook the same way I use my girlfriend. Just flip'em over every period,1,en
Why should you only invite gas molecules to your house when they have negligible intermolecular forces between them? Because they're the ideal gas.,1,en
So Clark Kent is walking around with a giant cape bunched up under his dress shirt? I feel weird when I wear an undershirt.,0,en
"I asked my doctor how bad my breath is. ""You see that broccoli over there? "" he pointed. ""Yes..."" I replied. ""That was a cauliflower before you started talking.""",1,en
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood a man is already there.,1,en
what is the cleanest bar in the world. The soap bar,0,en
what do you call a parent named lee? apparently,1,en
Marriage is like a hand of cards. You start off with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing for clubs and a spade,0,en
Here's how pessimism works. It never works,1,en
"friends are like steaks if you grill them for long enough, they become rare",1,en
Coca Cola employees can't dance... But they can Tango.,1,en
When you fall asleep in the car is basically the irl version of fast travel Especially if your the driver,1,en
Why do babies make bad mechanics? They have poorly developed motor skills.,1,en
i just cleaned out my facebook friends list . congratulations if you are reading this! i still like you,0,en
my son was twice as hungry as me. so i only ate a one na fish sandwich,1,en
I'm not sure how I feel about this rash on my neck. But it's starting to grow on me.,1,en
Panhandlers make a ton of money Because they have no over head.,1,en
How did I know I have OCD? How did I know I have OCD? How did I know I have OCD?,1,en
What do you call a nude constellation in the ocean? A Skinny Dipper.,1,en
What do French people call a really bad Thursday? A trajeudi.,1,en
"one of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food threedots now, i can't find anything to eat in the fridge .",0,en
"oh good, i've made this mistake before so i know what to expect .",0,en
nachos on christmas eve. we're celebrating the birth of cheeses !,0,en
her : you like shopping ? me : oh god yes! her : what's your favorite place ? me : the grocery store . there is a whole aisle of just cheese,0,en
What's a calender's favorite fruit? Dates.,0,en
"If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it's an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.",0,en
so is my call important to you or will it be answered in the order it was received? it can't be both !,0,en
did you hear about the word that's changed in the dictionary? it means to make or become different .,1,en
I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up,1,en
Why was the paranormal convention cancelled? Due to unforseen circumstances,1,en
Did you hear about the german who accidently put his hand in boiling oil? he Gottfried..,1,en
"I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.",1,en
what does a ferrari and poverty have in common? princess diana can't stop either,1,en
The priest was top striker for the soccer team... His touch was amazing,1,en
Who is the best speedrunner in the world Girls born in China,1,en
"Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert",0,en
"Did you know that ""sdrawrof dna sdrawkcab emas eht"" backwards is the same backwards and forwards",1,en
"Challenge Only a Genius can say these four words, Four times Really fast without getting Tongue twisted. Eye , Yum , Stew , Peed",0,en
It's gonna be a long day. I can wait to get home and curl up with a good Internet,0,en
What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs? It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!,0,en
why did the zoo close the big cat exhibit? because they just kept lion around !,0,en
I avoid checking my bank account. I just don't need that negativity in my life,1,en
"I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say ""Checkmate"" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia",1,en
"What's got two wings, a tail and twenty five pricks? England's return flight.",1,en
A guy forgot to pay his exorcist. He got repossessed,1,en
What did the kid with Autism do when he graduated school? He woke up,1,en
What do goats do to get off? They pasturebate,1,en
Why couldn't the orphan watch Suicide Squad ? It required parental guidance ,1,en
What did the little cloud say about the big cloud? I think you're condensating for something.,0,en
"I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.",0,en
what's the most emotional computer you can buy? a dell .,0,en
What's the difference between a murderer in Texas and Microsoft Word? Nothing. They're both executable.,1,en
"Guys, please don't forget to wake up Green Day tonight. September is ending",0,en
"This guy called me ""mindless"". I didn't think much of it",1,en
What do you call a quantum physicist's hair style? Schrodinger's cut,1,en
when do hamburgers most enjoy watching tv? during prime time !,1,en
Did you hear about that geeky trigonometry expert? The only angle lacking in his life was secs.,1,en
When are Latkes traditionally eaten? While hiding in an attic.,1,en
Where does okra come from? Okrahoma.....lol should probably be in dadjokes but oh well.,0,en
Are you a water balloon Because I wanna fill you with liquid,0,en
I got a puppy for my daughter. Good swap if you ask me,0,en
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots,1,en
What were the odds that Matt Damon made it off Mars? Astronomical,0,en
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because then the children have to play inside.,1,en
"""Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops"". Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally",0,en
how can you tell voldemort used the bathroom before you? he leaves a dark mark,0,en
I love the change of season from summer to fall. It's just so nice to hear people complain about pumpkin spice instead of politics,1,en
What is the least pleasant state to live in? Missouri.,1,en
What did the duck eat for breakfast? Quaker Oats! ,1,en
Overweight people are just like cars They overeat,1,en
"Chicken wings Welcome to Ling Ling's ""Chicken"" wings may I take ur order?",0,en
"One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day",0,en
Q: Why did Ebenezer Scrooge go to New York City? A: To see the Grumpire State Building.,0,en
What did the nuclear bomb create? Rice Krispies,1,en
"Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once But I can confirm, if you tell him he looks good in it once, he'll wear it for a lifetime",0,en
"Did you hear about the zucchini that spiraled out of control? Yeah, he really lost his zoodle.",0,en
"I'd never appear on Leno now because I have strict ethical standards, so next time you're watching Leno and you don't see me that's why.",1,en
"spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress .",0,en
"Me: Can I buy that chandelier? Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself? Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling",0,en
"After realizing that I was living a boring, directionless, and empty life, I went to South Korea. to go Seoul searching",1,en
what can turn a fruit into a vegetable? jeffrey dahmer !,0,en
"Musicologists now believe Beethoven wasn't really deaf, he just pretended to be to avoid hearing Schubert's boring stories about his fraternity pranks.",1,en
What's Christopher Nolan's favorite song? BBBRRAAAAAAAHHHHHMMM...'s lullaby.,0,en
Jesus walks on water and everyone is impressed. I walk on water and I'm seriously concerned about this ice breaking,1,en
"I once interviewed a pair of underwear. Suffice to say, it was brief.",1,en
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: 'Good news please.' Doctor: 'We're naming a disease after you.',0,en
Why can't Boy Scouts be MLG? Because they're campers.,1,en
"am i the only one who wants to write "" over "" at the end of my tweets? over .",0,en
The best thing about adolescent humor. is that it never gets old,1,en
"Just found out that my cat, Jellybeans, is just an old bag of jellybeans. Still love him so much",0,en
"single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed threedots while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge .",1,en
"""Wow! Can you believe it's almost June already? !"" YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH",0,en
My alarm is so needy. it wants attention at the worst times,1,en
what's the difference between reddit and facebook? reddit is better,0,en
What couldnt the girl brush her hair? Because she had cancer,0,en
If it weren't for snow blowers. The UPS man wouldn't come,1,en
what happens when lawyers die? they lie still .,1,en
What happens when sharks take their clothes off? They go sharkers !,1,en
Why do tectonic plates wear diapers? Because they're in continents.,1,en
My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films. He forgot to show Up,0,en
it was my five year old daughter's school play last night . i haven't enjoyed myself so much in years! i didn't go .,0,en
What do logicians use to shave? Occam's razor,1,en
"lois : clark , are those binoculars? clark kent : yes , i can't find my glasses . lois : put them down for a second . clark : lois : clark : no",0,en
What's the difference between an American and a moldy piece of bread? The bread has more culture.,1,en
What do you call a boat that gives fresh breath? A Shipmint!,1,en
what did the engineer say to the flood? dam !,0,en
"i hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie .",0,en
what do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time? stall,0,en
The joke's not here. It's in the comments,1,en
Why do you like little kids...? They have to use TWO hands.,0,en
"i just bought some of that coconut shampoo. i don't know why , i've not got a coconut",1,en
"Q:How do you tell the time in Antarctica? A:I don't know,Alaska guy and tell you",0,en
My daughter in Ethiopia said she was thirsty... So I called up her uncle,1,en
We should treat live grenades like poker cards Hold them close to your chest,1,en
It's okay if you have no idea what 'prefix' means. It's not the end of the word,1,en
What is Sean Connery's favorite dish? A seizure salad.,1,en
"I took a girl fishing for a first date Really nice girl, he name was Annette",0,en
Are you an ideal amount of red phosphorus and am I a proportioned tiny wooden stick? Because we're a match!,0,en
I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me! Its probably because I always win.,0,en
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in a closet?,1,en
the boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. i think he may have overheard a conversation he didn't understand quite so well,1,en
why people cry during the weddings? threedots they are preparing for whats coming afterwards,0,en
"Today my wife told me she's pregnant I answered ""Are we having a boy or an abortion?""",1,en
What does artificial light consist of? Fauxtons,1,en
"I went to the library and asked if they had any books on shelves... The librarian replied, ""Yes, all of them.""",1,en
"my grandfather died recently, he spent his final years as a regular user of facebook threedots we won't see the likes of him again .",0,en
"we don't thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the black eyed peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped .",1,en
Where do guys get their self esteem? From the Sauna.,1,en
What did the fisher say to the fishkin? Catch you later,1,en
Scientists have discovered the only thing faster than the speed of light is... ...the speed at which someone will tell you they're a vegan.,1,en
"Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she's overreacting. She'll realize you're right and calm right down",1,en
My grandpa wasn't responding So I closed the application cause it said it wasn't working. Looks like it doesn't work anymore,1,en
"i just had ' the talk ' with my kid. you know , the one where you break the news that batman isn't real",1,en
I did a marathon the other day. You might ask how I went I ran,0,en
"when my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him",0,en
how many words does it take to start a car? forwards,0,en
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies,0,en
"My boss told me to ""dress for the job you want, not the job you have. "" Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman",1,en
Yo mama fell down. The physicists discovered Gravitational waves today,1,en
"The older I get, the more I watch Ferris Bueller and root for him to get caught.",1,en
"Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You know more about it, but now the frog is dead",0,en
What do you call a chicken who entered a hotel? A checkin.,1,en
Did you know the s in mod stands for straight The is no s in mod,1,en
Did you know olive oil can be used as a hair conditioner? The Italians did,1,en
my friends are starting to figure out that i got botox in my forehead because i can't raise my eyebrows. why am i not surprised ?,1,en
What were Steve Jobs children told to do when their father passed away? Steve's Job.,1,en
"I've never been to Japan, but I've seen a bunch of emojis so I think I get the idea.",0,en
"Willie saw some dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite; Curiosity never pays: It rained Willie seven days.",1,en
What's the difference between rice stalks and America ? Nothing. They both get b e a t e n by the Vietnamese.,1,en
Have you ever met a tree surgeon? They arboring,1,en
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company,1,en
Riot's Responce to Sandbox Mode Edit: Response,0,en
What's the best thing about babies learning to crawl? They are already in the right position.,1,en
"what is a good title for a movie about bacon? "" babe : the final chapter """,1,en
"when your wife says "" it's up to you "", it's not .",1,en
what did the tailor say about her job? it's sew sew,1,en
why do spanish tests take so long? because of all the ese questions .,1,en
What happened to the dinosaurs that first was aware of the metheorite? The where petrified.,1,en
patron : didn't you tell me the chef here cooked for the late heads of europe? waiter : yes and that's why they are the late heads of europe .,1,en
I recently thought about stealing from the food shelf. But the steaks were too high,1,en
q . why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? a . to see what was on the other side .,0,en
"Doctor I swallowed a PEN!!! Doctor, Doctor I swallowed a PEN, WHAT DO I DO? Doctor: Use a pencil...",0,en
what does batman have in his lemonade? just ice .,0,en
What do you call a religious ceremony with one person? Single service.,1,en
Whats the difference from a baby and my coffee I like my coffee warm,0,en
What is the difference between a laddie and a lady? One has a d where the other doesn't.,1,en
"people think theyre so smart for shopping around for good deals, but you know whats more fun than researching prices? having expensive stuff",0,en
"what did one fish say to another fish after eve had her first bath? great , now we smell like woman .",0,en
"My girlfriend asked me to stop referencing music when I'm cutting I texted back, ""That's just what happens when the levee breaks"" ",1,en
My life is like my hair It's usually in a mess and I'm planning on cutting it short.,1,en
"So I told my secretary.... to go buy me a fighting stick, but the best he could find was a walking stick. Honestly you can't get the staff.",0,en
"Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like ""for your next divorce"" or ""clothes that make you feel skinny""",1,en
What did the eggs say when the cops showed up? Everybody scramble!,0,en
"congratulations, if you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode really threedots",0,en
My friend saw a picture of the New York skyline tucked away in my garage I told him I had the after picture hanging on my mantel. ,1,en
Which burger is famous for a long nose? Cyrano de Burgerac!,0,en
"Serious question: can orphans watch PG movies? After all, they don't have parents...",1,en
"Well, you know what they say about cliffhangers...",0,en
"i know lawyers aren't people. they stand in court all day and say "" i object """,1,en
"so , a friend of the bride gives her a wedding gift threedots it is an elsa mug . why? cause she should have let him go .",0,en
what is stevie wonder's favorite guitar chord? c minor,1,en
I asked my wife what Jesus's full name and she said she didn't remember... Till I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.,0,en
""" well well well, if it isn't the person who didn't like my instagram photo "" is how i like to address pretty much everyone",1,en
"I stopped using Hotmail, it's not for me. I'd rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career",1,en
"How can you find out the gender of an ant? Throw it in the water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant",1,en
"Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states ""A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal""",1,en
You're telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee. They don't put any booze in it or nothin,1,en
Q: What do you call African water? Nicaragua,0,en
"it's just a bad day, not a bad life .",0,en
What's the similarity between a woman and a homework? You won't like 'em till you start analyzing.,0,en
What do birthday parties and Linkin' Park both have in common? They both come with pinatas,1,en
"So I read on a website to ""treat your furry friend once a week. "" So I bought him two tickets to Zootopia",0,en
"If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.",1,en
"i'm calling about the poster for your missing cat . why not ask the guy who took that picture? just kidding , i ran over it .",0,en
I think it might be a good idea to not buy gold right now. Is a statement that is bound to get gilded,0,en
"I'm always surprised when people realize I'm Jewish. I may have some tiny quirks, but nothing like my grandpa. I mean, he wore it on his sleeve.",1,en
rules to learning english: their our know rules,1,en
i accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. related : i've got some balloons for sale,0,en
How do you make sure that your grape ages well? You need to be raisin it right! ,0,en
"what does a stripper and a subway sandwich maker have in common? they both prefer to be called "" artists "" instead of what they really are .",1,en
My depression becomes epression once I take my pills Because it takes the d away.,1,en
what do Paul Walker and Elizabeth smart have in common? they could have been smarter and walked,0,en
"Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds were thought to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's just kids' stuff.",1,en
why does no one care that space is a vacuum? oh it doesn't really matter .,1,en
"after giving my son two karate lessons , he said he didn't want any more. still , at least i got my car washed and my fence painted",1,en
My favorite drawings at the Mohammad cartoon festival in Texas. were the two chalk outlines out front,0,en
"i quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss , he said , why do you have a gun? you work at mcdonald's .",1,en
Which detective investigates electrical crimes? Sherlock Ohms That's why his partner is called Wattson...,1,en
"My grandfather left Auschwitz as a deeply disturbed man, because one fundamental question remained unanswered. Upper or lower heat?",1,en
Q: When do ghosts have to stop scaring people? A: When they lose their haunting licenses.,0,en
"So, I'm officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We're planning a June wedding!",0,en
"If I mess up at the beginning of a video game I just start over. This rule applies to life too. Used wrong exit on Fwy, calling it a day...",0,en
"What do English class and a UFO have in common? Zeugma, tmesis, and polyptoton call it home!",1,en
What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf? A paredvark!,0,en
At first I was angry... ...when all my friends began collecting stamps after I started. But then I remembered: imitation is the sincerest form of philately.,1,en
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party? Because everyone was a goblin,1,en
you must enjoy this food! it's a required taste .,0,en
What did the suicidal guy do when he caught the coronavirus? He beat the virus to it!,0,en
Which song do syrians chant when a girl goes to school? We Will We Will Rock You!,1,en
"We transitioned our toddler from his crib to a big boy bed today and I cried harder than he did, but at least I wasn't overly emotional about it.",1,en
"Ordered takeout from Door Dash and offered the Dasher some fries. ""Nah, I'm good. I already had some""",1,en
What do you call a snake that has been knighted? Sir Pent...,1,en
"Going to school  Mother: ""Did you enjoy your first day at school?"" Girl: ""First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? ",1,en
he died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath,1,en
Free admission to Disney On Ice. Just push your knee against your eyes and you'll get to watch This Knee On Eyes,0,en
Two termites walk into a bar and ask Is the bar tender here?,1,en
What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other? A colour scheme.,1,en
"When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie. I miss snowballs, she was a good cat",1,en
so i met this really nice girl at the zoo! she was a keeper .,0,en
What car does Woody drive? AUDI ADUI ADUI!,0,en
I'm young ebough to remember the good old days when the average sounds coming from your school weren't the same as a Call of Duty match.,0,en
Want to know a Harry Potter riddle? Tom Marvolo,0,en
What do you call it when a faculty worker gets a bloodstream virus? A staff infection. ,1,en
If there's one thing I'm better at than everyone else. It's humility,1,en
"what burns longer , a red or a green candle? neither , they both burn shorter .",0,en
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.,1,en
"what did the mod say when he used the bathroom? ""log out""",1,en
""" if all your friends jumped "" ' yes ' "" but if they "" ' yes ' "" but "" ' if i ever get friends i'm going to do whatever they want me to, ok mom ?",0,en
Accordion to a recent survey... ...replacing words in a sentence with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.,1,en
"My Irish friend was telling me about his uncle. ""My uncle's a cop, you know,"" he said. ""Oh, really? "" ""No, O'Riley.""",1,en
"riddle : what has wings but can't fly , legs but can't walk , and a mouth but can't speak? a dead bird",0,en
they say you've got to spend money to make money. feel like there's some middle step i've been missing ?,0,en
"I was going to apply for a position at Apple, but I'm not going to bother... No more jobs...",0,en
"i tried to duck it , but i just wasn't quack! enough .",0,en
I overcame the desire for self pleasure... I just had to ween off,0,en
where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife? the jury store,1,en
"How does one do the Rice Krispie? You make your neck go Snap, Crackle, and Pop.",0,en
It's that time of year. Can't stop eating cornucopias,0,en
What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles? Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan,0,en
Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats,1,en
"when i claimed i could post the funniest joke ever on reddit , everyone laughed at me. they're not laughing now",1,en
what did the doctor say when a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable? threedots what's tomato with you,0,en
what did the chinese billionaire say after buying the deer with no eyes? i have no idea .,1,en
I love the new Upvote noise Reddit made. Thank you,0,en
What do Native Americans do for the holidays? Nativities.,1,en
Only one steak was ever knighted by the queen. Why do you think we have sirloins?,0,en
"When Kurt Cobain was a child... When Kurt Cobain was a child, his mother told him not to play with guns. I suppose that went in one ear and out the other.",1,en
"How do you find Calvin Broadus Jr's darkest secrets? You Snoop, Dogg.",0,en
Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress. Other times I think you need a better home security system,1,en
A textile worker tried to come up with a new original joke. But they ran out of material,1,en
"I got pretty cool moves while dancing. But they say, so do people with parkinsons",1,en
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine doctor. Doctor: Oh really? Mary: Yes she tries to prevent me from making her take it!,0,en
"i just got a girl pregnant, now ill finally have a little brother .",0,en
what do you call a frenchman in the world cup final? a referee,1,en
"Sure, your app can send me push notifications. Just give me your home number so I can call you to let you know I got them",0,en
what do you call a guy going down on a girl with a smile on his face? a gladiator,1,en
"I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore",1,en
"Girls are a lot like universities. I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can't get into any of them",1,en
What do you call a school for autistic children The vegetable patch,1,en
"Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is... ...Mrs. Fire.",1,en
What's the difference between a legit black and Stanta? Some people believe that Santa exists,1,en
what do you call bacteria that can swim fast? micro phelps .,1,en
i just taped the tv remote to my dogs back so i'll never lose it again. your move apple,0,en
"Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch? Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste",1,en
"As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: ""Let me see your phone""",1,en
What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought? Moose Code.,1,en
What does a man do when his wife is running in front of the TV while he's watching football? He goes to the kitchen and shortens the chain.,1,en
"whats the difference between an original joke and a repost? i dunno , i just click submit",0,en
"my dad says i'm lazy, but he's wrong . i like work . i could watch it for hours .",1,en
What's Tyrion Lannisters's favourite sea food? Shrimp.,1,en
"Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named ""Dave"".",0,en
I feel so off the grid. I watched the Grampas instead of the Grammys last night,0,en
"man died after crushing against a mirror witnesses said: "" he saw it coming """,1,en
"I call seahorses just 'horses' and the brown, cloppity ones 'landhorses'.",1,en
"My friend asked me what I thought about Internet message boards. I said ""I'm all forum""",1,en
Japense people put all there hopes and dreams into making anime A dream to one day have big bobs,0,en
Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled? His toga size went from L to XL.,1,en
"Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings",0,en
"so apparently when a woman asks what you're looking for in a relationship, "" a way out "" isn't the right answer .",1,en
Save your money. you never know when your friends will need it,0,en
"Stop buying plastic skeletons. It's bad for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.",1,en
blonde bicycle q : why did the blonde run with the bike? a : it was going too fast for her to get on .,0,en
what do you get when you cross a seal and a polar bear? a polar bear .,1,en
"man walks into taxidermist . asks a deer "" you want a bite of my sandwich? "" deer replies "" no thanks i'm stuffed ! """,1,en
knock knock who's there ? cotton! cotton who ? cotton a trap,0,en
"Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it's referring to Noah's evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.",1,en
I bet jellyfish are sad... ...that there are no peanut butter fish.,1,en
Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday? She wished The Weeknd was longer.,0,en
q : why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school? a : she wanted to be a nurse .,0,en
"hey guys , remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? good times .",0,en
my little brother asked me the date I told him to march first.,0,en
Did you know that Matthew Broderick was the first Iron Man in the movies? He was Ferrous Bueller.,0,en
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient? He dealt with whatever was thrown his way,1,en
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !,0,en
I was hungry at the abortion clinic I like mine medium rare on a metal clothes hangar,0,en
can anyone help me with starting a rocket science club at school? i'm having trouble getting it off the ground .,1,en
What do you call a Robert on a stick? A keBob!,1,en
What is Nux's favorite browser? Chrome.,0,en
What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.,0,en
What is something i have that everyone else uses My wife,1,en
"how do you confuse a blonde? give her a coloring book , and tell her to color in all the pages with a white crayon .",0,en
why did the homeless women keep flies in a plastic bottle? that was her vibrator .,0,en
There are two kinds of numbers. Rational numbers and Woman numbers,1,en
do you know why the self driving car crashed? it had a bad driver .,0,en
where did marry go after the explosion? everywhere,1,en
"My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I'm skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.",1,en
what did the guy from northern canada have to say about the place? he wanted nunavut .,1,en
if i knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat i would never stop. rabbits are great,1,en
guess what came in the mail today? i did . i ran out of napkins .,0,en
"I finally got a decent camera and started my cooking show. Shame I got fired at the crematorium shortly after, though.",1,en
what did the australian say to the hawk? good eye !,1,en
"every day is the first day of the rest of your life. so i live like a newborn , sleepy and confused",0,en
"the recipe said "" prick with a fork, "" but enough about me .",1,en
how much does a truck made of light weigh? photons,1,en
What will never be made in China? Two children.,0,en
is it true that you can get an std from public toilets? only if you sit down before the last guy has gotten up .,1,en
Betsy the cow applied to leather crafting college early decision. Unfortunately she was defurred,1,en
"Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman's other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin",1,en
"Waitress: need anything else? Me: yes, a cup of black coffee. W: and how would u like your coffee? M: uhhh..black and in a cup?",0,en
what kind of shoes do bears wear? none because they go barefoot .,1,en
What did the guard say when he dropped his gun? Auschit,0,en
It's pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard,1,en
"A tattered rope walks into a bar... The bartender says, ""Hey, are you a lasso? "" The rope replies, ""Sorry, I'm a frayed knot.""",1,en
"Aphantasia I was reading about a guy that lives with aphantasia, but I just can't picture what that would be like.",0,en
Another one bites the dust. Who is Alex Trebek? ,0,en
Plastic surgeons don't get along with me. But they bring out the breast in my wife,1,en
bill clinton's favorite card game q : what is bill clinton's favorite card game? a : poker .,1,en
"her : how do you get girls ? me : i'm smart and funny. her : that works ? me : no i'm terribly alone , i was just saying",1,en
Today should be called bridge day. 'Cause I'm over it,0,en
I passed my kidney stones with flying colors! But mostly red.,0,en
When does a lawyer make coffee? When he has sufficient grounds,1,en
"Imagine a group chat for introverts What are they gonna talk about, silence?",0,en
"There two types of fried rice. One lost a war, the other won.",1,en
I'm writing a book about futurology. It's coming soon,1,en
"Where's my cell? ""Right there."" That's not my phone. ""Yes it is. I cleaned it!"" My cell's white",0,en
what do you call it when a crow throws a party and no one shows up? an attempted murder .,1,en
"My friend asked me why I have a girlfriend, I replied ""It's because I can't afford a punching bag.""",1,en
What is a German's favorite Pokemon? NEINtales,1,en
"If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, ""Good Friday"" would not have leaped to his mind.",1,en
"what's the real reason lego movie didn't get nominated for an oscar? they thought it was called "" the leo movie "" .",1,en
SHARK ATTACKS ARE AT A RECORD HIGH Australia: Let's put nets out to keep bathers safe. USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks,1,en
"A criminal burgles into a dormitory... He yells at one of the students: ""I'm looking for money!"" The student calmly replies: ""What a coincidence, I am too!""",1,en
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes,0,en
"if anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it threedots i found the rubber band .",0,en
Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics? It's called a Vegetable Stand.,1,en
What's a Polar Bear's favourite soup? A laksa.,0,en
Did your world end today? Mayan didn't,0,en
Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics. Respect,1,en
"Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.",1,en
What's similar between erasers and abortion? Both correct mistakes.,1,en
Two skeletons open up a pasta resteraunt to serve the afterlife. What's the resteraunt called? The Bone Zone.,1,en
Q: Which positions does a violist use? A: First third and emergency.,0,en
intelligence always beats good looks. but just to be safe i've got both covered,1,en
"if it's important to you , you will find a way to make it happen. if it's not , you will find an excuse",0,en
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest. It's his altar ego,1,en
"Weird, it almost feels like the drive thru workers at McDonald's are being more judgemental of my choices than I am of theirs.",1,en
I went to a weiner emporium today. I never sausage a sight,1,en
"if internet explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, i think you should be brave enough to ask that girl out .",0,en
what did the biologist wear on his first date? designer genes .,1,en
"No Grandma, ""sausage fest"" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP",0,en
a prince asked a beautiful princess to marry him threedots and she said no. the prince lived happily ever after,1,en
You couldn't even imagine how good I am at taking a fake phone call to get out of a boring conversation. It's Oscar worthy,0,en
What is the computer's favorite food? Microchips.,0,en
"did you guys read about the fence that got knocked over this morning? dont worry , it'll probably be reposted before the weekend is up .",0,en
Can someone please tell what the weathers like. My Facebook is full of Robin William's tributes,0,en
why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school? she wanted to be a nurse .,0,en
"It is said that, a way to a man's heart goes through a stomach. Aha...you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup.",1,en
"i like to bring ants on planes and say "" all the people down there look like you! "" they can't understand me , but they like the company .",1,en
i can tell a train has been through here recently threedots you know how i can tell? cause there is its tracks .,0,en
What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish,0,en
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? So he could run his fingers through his hair.,0,en
how does a coffee maker know it might be pregnant? it's period is a little latte .,1,en
"Did you hear about the pirate who used to walk the plank every night? Well, he couldn't afford a dog.",1,en
"I can still blame my unhealthy eating on ""the holidays"", right? President's Day is coming up.",1,en
"Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together",0,en
"a sentence and a phrase is arguing , what did the sentence say? i know where you're coming from this phrase , but i can't see your point .",1,en
What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators? Sharkives.,1,en
Which scientist invented the nuclear powered floor cleaner? J. Robert Moppenheimer,1,en
Why does vampire not drink orange juice? Because sun essence,1,en
What do you call a myth from the middle east? A turban legend,1,en
There's a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about,1,en
"back in my day, we had nine planets .",1,en
A free product means. to free you of your money,0,en
why shouldn't you bowl against a snake? because snakes make lots of strikes .,1,en
my dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. i suspect he's talking about my wallet,1,en
"A man walked into an appliance store and asked the clerk, ""Do you sell color televisions? "" ""Yes,"" said the clerk. The man replied, ""Then give me a green one.""",1,en
"two computers are on a date . one says to the other, "" i'm not your type . """,1,en
"TIFU by assigning a temporary history teacher to a math class Oops, wrong sub",0,en
what is woman spelled backwards? kitchen,0,en
I really like being a trophy husband. I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy,0,en
What do you call a guy with a big orange nose? Sir. The man has enough on his plate without being treated as a lesser individual by society.,1,en
I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. Farcical?,1,en
have you seen stevie wonders new house? he hasn't either,0,en
What's the difference between BLM and monkeys in a zoo? The size of the cage.,1,en
So I've heard the AFL player Chris Judd gets women pretty wet. But I reckon Adam Goodes gets them Damper,1,en
"My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type As he died he kept insisting for us to ""Be positive"", but its really hard without him.",1,en
do you have a turn down? turn down for what,0,en
What does your niece and a microwave have in common? They're both warm inside.,1,en
have you heard about one direction? it looks they took different directions,1,en
"That new movie, Daja Vu. Haven't I seen it before",0,en
What is mitosis? Those are the things on the ends of my feetsis. Thought of this during my last bio exam.,1,en
"i ran the dishwasher today, but i couldnt keep up .",0,en
Industrial robots How do industrial robots communicate with humans? They use a conveyor belt.,1,en
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.,0,en
What do you called a nursing home that is flooded? Vegetable soup,1,en
What do you call a man at an abortion clinic? Relieved.,1,en
I think the cashier likes me. She was definitely checking me out.,1,en
Me and my girlfriend had a suicide pact. One of us got cold feet,1,en
sorry i'm late. i was trying to think of ways to get out of this,0,en
how do you tell an astronaut where they're going? straight up .,1,en
where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? depends,1,en
"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.",0,en
Turtles are such introverts They live a shelltered life. ,1,en
Depending on who you are determines what colors you see the dress as. Chris Brown sees it as black and blue,1,en
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lip stick on his knuckles.,1,en
"Why did the guy with Alzheimer cross the road? If you do know please tell me, I can't remember and I'm very scared!",0,en
"What did the CPU say to the RAM? Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, ""life"" is too short.",1,en
My husband: It'd be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner. Me: ooo!! Can we get one?,0,en
"I forgot what I'm allergic to, I'm trying to remember... ..its on the tip of my tongue edit: I made this up haha just thought you'd like it.",0,en
"How can you tell if someone is an entrepreneur? Don't worry, they'll tell you",1,en
To the guy that invented zero. Thanks for nothing,0,en
how did the italian die? talking while driving .,1,en
how did the blonde chip her teeth? using a vibrator,0,en
Why did Boba Fett work alone? Because he was hunting Solo.,0,en
i used to think revenge was a dish best served cold. now i realize threedots it's getting back at someone,0,en
i'm in a long distance relationship. my girlfriend's in the future,0,en
"keep the planet clean, it's not uranus .",0,en
"""I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..."" WALL: ""I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster.""",0,en
why couldn't bill gates get any girls? his hardware was microsoft,1,en
Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction but that's about it,1,en
why is the archaeologist sad? because his career is in ruins .,1,en
How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!,0,en
What does Shrek say when he wins a game of chess? Shrekmate.,1,en
Can Feburary March? No. But April May,1,en
"If they can make crunchy peanut butter, surely they can make crunchy butter.",1,en
"My wife asked me what I want to do with her body. Apparently ""identify it"" wasn't the right answer",1,en
guess who i saw today? everyone i looked at .,0,en
I hate folding dark laundry Because all I can think about is hanging it.,1,en
what does it take to break a nokia phone? microsoft .,0,en
Why is Oklahoma the bleh state? Because it's just OK,1,en
Geek humor: Thanks for the upgrade. You turned my floppy disk into a solid state,0,en
Most unfunny character in Game of Thrones Who is the most unfunny character in Game of Thrones? Bran Stark Because he can't do Stand Up,1,en
What's the difference between a dead kid and a guitar? Nothing I finger both.,1,en
"Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse",1,en
boyfriend and boy friend threedots see that little space between the second one? thats called the friend zone !,0,en
"What did the science teacher say when the kid was experimenting with magnets? ""May the force be with you""",1,en
What do you call a repeat line cutter? A pair of scissors.,1,en
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree.,0,en
"My girl just texted me ""Wish you were here"" while she was walking through the cemetery",1,en
"Some days i think im slightly intelligent, other days i try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen",0,en
I've never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?,0,en
"If I was an enzyme, I would be DNA Helicase So I could unzip your genes.",0,en
"DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence, DVD Rip",0,en
coffee is a miracle . perhaps the only miracle . does that sound crazy? i've had a lot of the miracle this morning . my eyes are shaking .,1,en
when the cat's away threedots? the house smells better !,0,en
I just came back from my trip to the Virgin Islands. Now they just call them Islands,1,en
Heinz have altered one of their spicier sauces. It's a remustard version,1,en
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts,1,en
"Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...",0,en
What happens to a legend's career when he loses his leg? It ends.,1,en
Demi Lovato is a real Super Hero Sadly not the Hero she expected,0,en
"ugh , amazon prime takes two whole days for delivery. i wish there was a way i could buy things and get them immediately",0,en
the chipotle guy who never charges me extra for guacamole even though there's a big G on the foil. what are we?,1,en
"Why did all of the frog guidance counselor's students become construction workers? The only advice he could give them was ""rivet, rivet.""",1,en
I'm like Global Warming. No one takes me seriously,1,en
"FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.",1,en
What does Jerry Sandusky and a Silver Medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind!,0,en
"when you walk down on a up escalator , is that time travel? really makes you think",0,en
remember busy signals? crazy times .,0,en
"me : do you want dinner ? bf : sure, what are my choices ? me : yes or no .",0,en
What do Scrooge McDuck and dragons have in common? They love to swim in gold coins.,0,en
The mcdonalds menu in africa now only has one item The mcnothing,1,en
How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet,1,en
Steven Hawkins died today..... I wonder if they buried him or left him up in the loft for the next local boot sale,1,en
""" latte "" is latin for: you paid too much for that coffee .",1,en
I witnessed an attempted murder earlier. Luckily only one crow showed up,0,en
what do waiters want most after dinner? the tip !,1,en
You know what the best part of taking a bath is? Plugging the toaster in.,0,en
Did you hear they are remaking the movie rules of engagement? They filmed part of it Sunday night in Las Vegas. ,1,en
What's Hodor's favorite cereal? Raisin Bran,0,en
NATURAL BLONDE Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair? A: Artifical intelligence.,1,en
"one of my friends had a baby today , and another got a puppy. i think we all know which one i'm going to visit",0,en
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they pushed two twins together to make a king.,1,en
What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday? Boxing day!,0,en
q : where can you find an ocean without any water? a : on a map !,0,en
What do you call a poem about flour that does not rhyme? Gluten freeverse,0,en
If Chris Redfield worked pest control. It would be called Resident Weavile,1,en
"teacher : "" where would you find an elephant? "" pupil : "" you don't have to find them they're too big to lose ! """,1,en
My friend was very excited when he become an archeologist at museum. Now he is always on the run and his career is ruins.,1,en
If there was ever a great name for a male only massage parlor it would be: The Massaganist.,1,en
what happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? he ate himself !,0,en
what do you get when you cross a sheep with a robot? steel wool,1,en
What is a ghost favorite fruit? Boonanaa !,0,en
i took an iq test. the results were negative,1,en
An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded... He was in De Nile.,1,en
Do you have porridge for breakfast? Kevin Bacon,0,en
"Webster's dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to ""Ahquarius."" This is the donning of the ""h"" of Ahquarius.",1,en
"a few weeks ago i mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. so , here goes : dragons",0,en
Why couldn't French Montana play on his DS He had no stylus,0,en
"There's only two kinds of people in this world: people who know how to use conjunctions, but people who don't.",0,en
"my boss calls me chief , so i really don't know who's in charge anymore. i hope it's not me because i haven't been paying attention",1,en
"All phones can be categorized into two groups You have the iPhones, then you have the good phones.",1,en
"When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write ""Do Not Eat"" on silica gel packets.",1,en
What were people doing during the last ice age? Chillin.,0,en
I pay all my bills in loose coins. I've been told to change my ways,1,en
What kind of sandwich would a golfer use to chip a ball? A sand wedge. ,1,en
why was cloud trying to cheer up sky? he looked a little blue,0,en
I need math homework help Anyone I can PM woth homework questions?,0,en
How do we know light is not Catholic? It has no mass.,1,en
You know why I love Michael J. Fox? I stick my tongue out and he tosses his own salad.,0,en
"is it hard to spot a cheetah? no , they come that way .",1,en
Why doesn't the blind man give opinions?  Because he has no point of view.,1,en
Why do humans mainly use the decimal number system? It's just what we tend to do,1,en
They planned the date when the Burj Khalifa would be finished in advance. They wanted to know when it'd be due by,1,en
What did the director say when his dinner arrived? That's a wrap. ,1,en
"If I sing in the same style as Burl Ives, Is it considered Burlesque?",1,en
"Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding",1,en
My girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with poker. I think she's bluffing,1,en
"It was a blessing that grandpa past away peacfully in his sleep, but tragic for the passengers in his car.",0,en
how does a detective stay cool in hot summer? he works on a cold case .,1,en
"Why did the cat say, ""moo, ruff, oink""? He was learning foreign languages.",1,en
"Hungarian mom yells at her son: ""Take off your underwear... ...and put it back on properly: Yellow front, brown back.""",1,en
Black pepper is like regular pepper The only difference is black pepper is good at basketball,1,en
"germans be like: been there , done that .",1,en
What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks !,1,en
"what did the chef say to the man who wouldn't eat alphabet soup? "" i'm gonna make you eat those words ! """,1,en
"instead of john i call my bathroom jim, that way it sounds better when i say i went to the jim first thing this morning .",1,en
What is the difference between Jesus and the mods of this subreddit? Jesus at least saved his people from their miseries.,1,en
"What did one nose say when the other nose said ""I love you""? ""Back achoo!""",1,en
What do you call a pessimistic cupcake? A Little Debbie downer.,1,en
Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing? Because they're Master Baiters.,1,en
window shopping why do the wealthy put their garbage in clear plastic bags? so the rest of us can go window shopping,1,en
"What's fast and breathes fast underwater? Definitely not a toddler, I can tell you that now.",0,en
An intresting take Stillborns just did a life speed run. ,0,en
Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts? He found his lack of Faith disturbing.,1,en
what video game do feminists love to play? no man's sky !,1,en
"judas : how long are your arms ? jesus : why ? judas : like in a cross , how long jesus : a what ? judas : across. how long across",1,en
"I've realized that when my wife says ""what? "" its not because she didnt hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said.",0,en
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man,1,en
apparently you can survive just by eating plants. that's something i haven't herbivore,1,en
what's the biggest city in the united states? obesity,0,en
"Where is Engagement, Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion.",0,en
"laugh! when people are laughing , they're generally not killing each other .",1,en
Ever had syrian food I heard it's the bomb,1,en
What was the baby's first word? Nothing its dead,0,en
Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match he asked me who played against ,1,en
What does the quantum duck say? Quark Quark,1,en
Which one of these is a deadly virus? A. Bola B. Bola C. Bola D. Bola E. Bola,1,en
what was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? ' claws . ',1,en
"according to webmd, this hairy thing on my chest is a cat",0,en
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw,1,en
"My favourite way of curing depression is a nice meal consisting of an electrical wall socket, eaten with a fork.",1,en
what gas do snails prefer? shell .,1,en
"i'm not very good at building fences sorry, i don't know where to put this post .",0,en
why did the otter collect parts for his spaceship? so he could go to otter space .,0,en
What do you call a crocodile that loves guacamole? A guacodile.,1,en
what did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived? he wet his plants .,1,en
I recently got sick at the airport. My doctor says it's a terminal illness,1,en
"What's the difference between a radio and a clothesline? A radio draws waves, and a clothesline waves draws.",1,en
"when telling your dog he's adopted, make sure to mention that you will never love him as much as the dogs you gave birth to .",0,en
What is the slowest racehorse in the world? A clotheshorse !,0,en
"Mark Ruffalo Went into a Job Interview The interviewer asked ""What's your strong suit? "" ""Oh, you know, the Hulk costume.""",1,en
"two snakes in the desert two snakes are crossing the desert. after a while one says to the other : slow down , lets rest , i cant feel my feet",0,en
What did the woman say to Bill Cosby on their second date? Nice to meet you.,0,en
I had a dream I was in a part of the US that was filled with nothing but museums. It was State of the Art,1,en
"A man before marriage, is a dude.  A man after marriage, is subdued.",1,en
"Alexa, tell me a dirty joke The patron tells the waiter ""this coffee tastes like mud"". The waiter replies ""yes sir, it is fresh ground""",1,en
"Went on a tour of a postcard factory yesterday. It was ok, nothing to write home about",0,en
what do you call bruce lee stuffed in a shell? a crustacean,1,en
"Remember when there were backyard gardens? Oh, those were good thymes.",0,en
"i saw a poster today , somebody was asking "" have you seen my cat? "" so i called the number and said that i didn't . i like to help where i can .",1,en
My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified,1,en
what's the worst hereditary disease? cousins,0,en
"What did the tsunami say to Japan? .. ... nothing, it waved. Happy Thursday all.",0,en
what kind of a shoe has a problem? an issue .,1,en
Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks Yanni are you okay? So Yanni are you okay Are you okay Yanni,0,en
What do Mathematicians use to fry their food? Euler butter.,1,en
what do grapefruit and women have in common? the best ones squirt when you eat them .,1,en
q : does a roller coaster like its work? a : it has its ups and downs .,0,en
Do you know the rock has depression Well I guess he finally hit rock bottom,0,en
what part of america can't sell full sized soft drinks? minnesota,0,en
Are you from Tennessee? Because your accent and appearance suggests that you hail from the southeast.,1,en
"I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!",1,en
q : what kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties? a : women !,0,en
"I guess you could say Ariana really Nailed that concert, huh",0,en
What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game? I'll keep an eye out for you!,1,en
why is a fish easy to weigh? because it has its own scales !,1,en
how do you hire an elephant? stand it on four bricks !,0,en
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through his stomach But I personally find it far more effective to go through his ribcage. ,1,en
Sandy Hook went through a really drastic design change after the shooting. The students really used their brains to decorate the walls,1,en
Why did Bill Nye crash his car? Because inertia is a property of matter.,0,en
""" are you talking back to me? "" "" mom , that's how a conversation works . """,0,en
I'm in a positive mood unlike my Corona test. It came back lung cancer,1,en
"Before listening to your opinions on current events, I'm going to first need to check your DVR recordings for reality TV dating shows.",1,en
A plateau is the highest form of flattery. That's it,1,en
"The D word that everyone's been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently. Aaaaand there's HR calling me. Brb.",0,en
How do you get Karma? Make a joke about the mods,1,en
"I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them I'm on the dole, and don't get up until lunchtime",1,en
"I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone. I shouted ""Morning! "" He replied ""No, just pooping.""",1,en
Did you hear about the chicken that broke its wishbone? Its ok it was a lucky break,0,en
"RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.",0,en
what do you call a sad suicidal bird? a robin williams .,1,en
"The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.",1,en
what do you call a teriost in water a bath bomb,1,en
what do you do if the lights in a chinese food restaurant are too bright? dim sum .,0,en
what kind of house is easiest to pick up? a light house .,1,en
What do you call a factory that produces quality goods? A satisfactory,1,en
a successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. a successful woman is one who can find such a man,1,en
"Lee Sin goes into a bar. the chairs, tables and the barmaid",1,en
"my voice is like a pony, a little horse .",0,en
Bryce Harper's contract is so long That R Kelly loves it,0,en
What did the ocean ask the scooba diver? Water you doing here,1,en
"if you love someone , set them free. when they come back , because they will , make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking",0,en
"The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven't had to deal with any Foo in years.",1,en
"something something reddit something something ellen pao guys , did i do it right , guys? ! do i get the free points now",0,en
give a man a shoe and he'll be confused as to what he needs one shoe for. teach a man to shoo and you won't have to deal with his confusion,0,en
What is the most confusing day in Jamaica? Father's Day,1,en
What do you call a statistician watching a bull fight? A mathador.,1,en
How does a physicist exercise? By pumping ion!,1,en
who's the fastest runner in the chinese olympic team? mr . do ping,0,en
"Here, take my advice. It's not like I'm using it",0,en
Why did the dead hipster look so bad? He came to the morgue before it was cool. ,1,en
Roses are red hail virgin Mary John Travolta's family photo is just a cemetery,0,en
I just passed my Canadian citizenship test. I got an Eh plus.,1,en
"When pinguins fly, you are probably drowning.",1,en
Chemists do it on the table. Periodically,1,en
What do you need to reunite the beatles? Two Bullets.,0,en
I'm so glad my wife is taking pregnancy tests It means I don't have to push her down the stairs randomly for a change.,1,en
My buddy said his car has black paint to go faster turns out it was farm equipment.,0,en
"Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'....",1,en
what smells better raw meat or a baby? depends on how cooked the baby is .,1,en
an ideal homework excuse teacher : where is your homework? pupil : some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked,1,en
How do you find the fastest person in Ethiopia? Roll a penny down the street. ,0,en
What does NNNNNSSSSSAAAAA stand for? National Stutterers Association.,0,en
What was sonic's diet advice to mario? Gotta go fast,0,en
what do you call an original joke on this subreddit? rare .,0,en
What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack? The babies in my nutsack are still living.,1,en
"Two fonts walked into a bar... The bartender said: ""Sorry, we don't want your type in here.""",1,en
Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?  Because they are handmade,1,en
"why did the canadian die after eating at an olive garden in texas? he ordered "" eh bowl a "" soup .",1,en
Are the guards at the Paralympics armed? Or is that considered cheating?,1,en
My granddad's favourite joke What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence? Time to get a new fence...,0,en
"i told my friend that i'm getting a divorce . "" what about the kids? "" he asked . i said , "" they're still together . """,1,en
"nice try, people that invite me to things that aren't in my house",1,en
Why does the letter A look like a flower? Because Bs like flowers.,1,en
I know how to revive Steven hawking! Turn him off then on again ,0,en
"What do Little Mac and Kobe's death have in common? They are good on the ground, but not the air.",1,en
"I want what any normal girl wants in life. A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones",0,en
What does a chicken call its backpack? A BokBok...,1,en
How do altar boys qualify for their job? By oral examination. ,1,en
"my earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, i want to look like the most important person to save .",1,en
What did the pebble say to the rock? I wish I was a little boulder!,0,en
I was doing the dishes and i realized. If we could cover our Military vehicles in dried egg yolk we would be unstoppable,1,en
My daughter just had her period... I can finally mark out dates on my calendar!,0,en
what's the difference between god and a medical school graduate? god doesn't think he's a doctor .,1,en
"to this day , the boys at that used to bully me and take my lunch money still does. on the plus side , he makes great subway sandwiches",1,en
How do you date a ghost? You 'WOOOO' him!,0,en
what is the only feeling that's worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat? sitting on a warm one .,1,en
Have you seen www.lockeddoor.com? Yes but I found it very difficult to get into.,0,en
"it's like i wanna be left alone but i still want people to notice my absence, you know .",0,en
why can't an elephant ride a bicycle? because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell .,1,en
What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job? Ovary Enthusiastic,1,en
Hadron collider? I hardly know her!,0,en
what's beethoven's favourite fruit? ba na na na . ba na na na .,0,en
I took a picture during a meteor shower that looked just like the Hero of Hyrule... Link in the comets.,0,en
Just lasted over an hour in bed. Thank you day light savings,0,en
I went to see Jurassic World because I heard there was a recently genetically modified dinosaur. I didn't see Caitlyn Jenner anywhere,0,en
People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved,1,en
My friend Oscar told a joke to Leo Di Caprio. He didn't get it,0,en
"Why was the cotton candy singing? Grandma, hush, that's Nicki Minaj",0,en
"why is there a "" d "" in fridge but not in refrigerator? because you don't put the "" d "" in the big ones .",1,en
"I bought a fitbit that's connected to the GPS in my car. Even though I punch in coordinates to a restaurant, it always takes me to the gym",1,en
What's an educated hole in the wall? A wisecrack.,0,en
Why did Henry VIII fail his classes? Because he lost all his Tudors.,1,en
I lost a job because none of my clients ever called back Not a good thing when you try to prevent suicides ,1,en
"i love you. i love other words , too",0,en
what do you call tiny waves that wash up onto a beach? microwaves !,1,en
my girlfriend told me she almost choked on her birth control this morning. it looks like it almost did it's job,1,en
"if god had meant for today to be perfect, he wouldn't have invented tomorrow .",0,en
How do Sesame Street characters reproduce? Big bird's eggs and ABCmen.,1,en
What's common between a girl's makeup kit and Hitler? Polish remover,1,en
The song Africa by Toto confuses me How can he bless the rains down in Africa when there are none?,1,en
"as the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous .",1,en
how do you know a stranger could be an engineer? don't worry they'll tell you .,0,en
"Him: Sir, you don't have the experience or fitness to be a fireman. Me: But, I got a mustache! Him: That's cat fur attached with frosting.",0,en
why is a bear brown? because he crawls in his hole during winter .,1,en
my neighbor was going out of town and asked if i'd feed their cat. i said sure threedots threedots to what ?,1,en
"Currently, the Olympic host country has. One brazillian medals",1,en
"if you're bored , wear a cape. then you can be super bored",0,en
"a physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building , he yells: dont jump you have so much potential",0,en
This year my dad was Santa and I asked Santa I wanted a little sister for Christmas I'm going to be a a big sister and a mother!,0,en
my wife's favorite joketo tell What do you call a peanut with a cold? Cashew! she was so proud of herself for making me laugh with this one.,0,en
"An electrician was hired to install fire alarms in the burn victims ward but didn't do the job when he arrived ""seems I was too late"" he said",1,en
Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system Uranus is between them,1,en
"I got busted visiting Texas. For trying to smuggle in books. Luckily, I got off on a technicality. No one could prove they were books.",1,en
"i want to find my true self. but for fun , i decided to throw on some camouflage",1,en
What does Kobe and Justin Bieber in his prime have in common? They both blew up,1,en
i now determine the days of the week based on twitter. is it follow friday yet ?,0,en
Have you herd of a guy orphan No homeo,0,en
i think i need to find a new girlfriend she is starting to learn to talk now,0,en
"What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear? Whatever you want, he can't hear you..",1,en
why was nasa so interested on travelling to mars? because it had their curiosity .,1,en
"Train Joke  Who do you think trained harder, Cassius Winston, or his brother?",0,en
"I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said ""Work hard, Pray hard"". I couldn't tell if there were Christians or Asians",1,en
which is the quickest way to make someone lose? the game .,0,en
"apparently, i snore so loudly that it scares everyone threedots in the car i'm driving .",0,en
Facebook is developing a phone. And MySpace is working on a telegram,0,en
what kind of birds go to church every sunday? birds of pray,0,en
What do churches and guns have in common? They both go PEW PEW PEW,1,en
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne's Mansion? his parents just died,0,en
i heard that apple was planning on an ipad mini threedots i thought they already had one? the iphone .,0,en
I like my ice cubes like I like my women: Cold and still.,0,en
q : when is a car not a car? a : when it turns into a parking lot .,0,en
q : why shouldn't you bowl against a snake? a : because snakes make lots of strikes .,0,en
did they ever identify that unknown female deer crime victim? you mean jane doe,0,en
clean Jokes! Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry. ,1,en
"what's the difference between an original joke and a repost? i dunno , i just click submit",0,en
my son was on ebay this morning. child services were not impressed with me,0,en
What is a victimless crime? Necrophillia.,1,en
"i got depressed last night so i called a self help hotline threedots i couldn't get through, the line was always busy .",0,en
"Me: C'mon, baby. Just the tip? Her: No! Me: Awww, cmon! Her: No, you're paying the whole bill this time.",0,en
I can't believe I just stopped a girl from being rapped. I got tired and stopped chasing her,0,en
what never eats at thanks giving? a turkey . because it's always stuffed .,1,en
What type of wind is named after Santa Claus's warm climate cousin? Santa Ana,1,en
One from my half asleep Girlfriend What happend to the guys who kidnapped Batman? They got Bale.,0,en
how do you lead a horse to water? with lots of carrots .,0,en
Why do fence repair companies get bad ratings on Reddit? Because they're only doing reposts.,1,en
"Guns don't kill people. Wars and famine and disease and random accidents kill people. Also, sometimes guns. Have a good day!",0,en
What did the teenaged girl zombie say? I decay.,1,en
How do you make a starfish shine? Drop it in sparkling water.,0,en
What do women and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.,1,en
What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife? Ceasar,1,en
Why can you never trust a clumsy barista? Because she's always spilling the beans!,0,en
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food...  I'm feeling a little eel...,0,en
"Roses are red, I don't like nibbers, what else can I say, but the Nuremberg trials are riggers",1,en
You know the difference between the languages of South and North Korea? In South Korea they speak Korean and in the north they don't speak.,1,en
"I've just been to a concert put on by the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared",1,en
How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully,1,en
did anyone hear about the grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs? she could barely bear to bear bare bare bears .,1,en
"Just managed to download the 'Titanic' soundtrack to my phone, even though some said it was unsyncable.",1,en
what do you call a serial bail man. cereal flakes,1,en
i'm so good at this fitbit thing! i reached my daily step goal before i even left my bed this morning,0,en
What do floppy disks and Jesus have in common? They both had to die to become the icon of saving.,1,en
jurassic world is so unrealistic. like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur,1,en
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time,1,en
"when i'm home alone and i walk into the basement, i start talking out loud about all the karate i know .",1,en
Why did the old man buy his wig at the thrift store? Because he didn't want toupee.,1,en
what do you call a security guard in a jumping castle? a bouncer,1,en
"Wondering why my jokes aren't being upvoted. All of my employees laugh at my jokes, so I'm obviously a funny guy",1,en
what does snoop dogg eat? beets by dre .,1,en
"ladies , the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you , remember he's not wearing makeup. also , remember what you look like without it",1,en
A quick question. How do I disable the autocorrect function on my girlfriend,1,en
How do you tell the difference between a triathlete and biathlete? A triathlete doesn't go both ways.,1,en
"Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight. Live longer, than the men, that mention it",1,en
Why did Newton's wife got pregnant? Because he doesn't believe in using quantum,1,en
biology joke biology teacher : can anyone name a disease? student : i can sir . teacher : well done . whose next,0,en
"a friend asked if i thought there was alien life on other planets and i was like don't give up hope, there's someone out there for you",0,en
"I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhimes, I am a fraction of the population but commit HALF if the crime. Who am I?",1,en
you've got to hand it to short people. because sometimes they can't reach,1,en
Who serves all you can eat rabbit stew? Warren Buffet!,0,en
"Thor, the god of Thunder, was riding on his filly ""I'm Thor!"" he cried. The horse replied, ""Then uthe a thaddle, thilly!""",1,en
I came up with a suspenseful joke about cheese. Queso here it goes,0,en
Can anyone trade me a wheelchair? I offer a crushed motorbike,1,en
I thought I had my girl queefing after that doggystyle But later realized it was too gassy to breath in.,0,en
What celestial body do you give your sweetie on valentines day? An exoplanet.,0,en
An ineresting title Yout text post,0,en
Why did the emo stay at home from school? Because he wanted to hang around,1,en
Did you hear about Alex Trebek? His health is in jeopardy.,0,en
Why did the butcher sell his shop? Because he couldn't meat his expenses,1,en
"Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.",1,en
I hate putting my clothes in the washing machine. they always seem so agitated when I take them out,1,en
"What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes? A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk",1,en
what has four legs and can fly? two birds !,0,en
"Why do paralyzed people get food through IVs? Because without the sun, vegetables have a hard time staying alive.",1,en
"I called my girlfriend after the Boston Marathon. She said it was a blast, and couldn't feel her legs.",1,en
"you may have noticed my signature fedora, my signature has a little fedora drawn on it to look like it is wearing one",0,en
I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.,1,en
What's the difference between humor and odor? Humor is a shift of wit.,1,en
Why is a foot a good Christmas present?  Because it makes a good stocking stuffer...,0,en
Why did the esports gamer paint his computer black? So his computer would run faster.,0,en
Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is the Irishman? A: The one on the motorbike.,0,en
what really long and black? the line at KFC,1,en
"Why does Floyd Mayweather have ""TGIF"" written on his boxing shoes? To remind him that ""Toes Go in First.""",1,en
A toilet beat me at a game of Poker. I had a straight; it had a flush,1,en
i met mrs. right today too bad she's already married,0,en
I would avoid the sushi if I were you it seems a little fishy,1,en
Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity Like Stephen Hawking,0,en
"An astronaut was ejected from the ISS naked. It's OK, though. He felt no pressure.",1,en
For sale: The Complete Enlopdiea Brittania Reason: No longer needed. Wife knows everything,0,en
"the thing you don't know about soy milk is threedots it's really just introducing itself in spanish. "" soy milk """,1,en
what was the butcher doing when he got caught? beating his meat .,1,en
I'm only a college student right now... ... But I just can't wait to get a job in the field I've spent so much time and money studying!,0,en
What do you pasta with a witty comeback? Retortellini.,1,en
"Today, my teacher stated that he used to work for NASA. He told that class that he became a teacher because it paid more",1,en
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flys like a banana,1,en
"i'm not homeless, but a lot of homeless things happen to me .",1,en
""" i used to live in india , now i live in indiana "" "" is there a difference? "" "" na """,0,en
How many genders does an Indian village have? Two. Male and Abortion,1,en
There are two types of people in the world. Those who can read between the lines,1,en
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? He found a leek there.,1,en
Russian roulette five out of six scientists claim that playing russian roulette its absolutely safe!,1,en
why was the cemetery plot salesman upset? business was dead .,0,en
"My girlfriend said she was pregnant and it made so happy.. Not only me, it also made my Mother happy as she became a grandma for the first time",0,en
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion! Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion,0,en
"The five senses are touch, smell, sight, hearing, and. It's on the tip of my tongue",1,en
some of us learn from the mistakes of others. the rest of us have to be the others,1,en
"A watermelon walks up to a sprinkler And says to the sprinkler, ""Water me lon! "" Original joke from a friend of mine",1,en
What's the most boring cut of meat? Filet minYAWN,0,en
How does a woman go about inventing something? She gives birth to a boy.,1,en
Brigadier Popcorn was recently demoted. He is a colonel now,1,en
Regular naps prevent ageing Especially if taken while driving,1,en
How do you catch autism Go to the special ed class with a fishing net.,1,en
What do you call those things that get fluff off a sweater? Women,1,en
The difference between an egg and a woman Eggs don't cry when they get beaten,1,en
Why is the BBC unresistable ? Their documentaries are so good.,1,en
you want to see something intense? visit a campground .,0,en
"I was playing Monopoly with a couple of friends and picked the hat piece, winked, and said. M'nopoly",0,en
I went on holiday to Lebanon It was such a blast!,0,en
Today I got fired from my other job... I guess I shouldn't have taken baby sitting too literal.,0,en
What was the shy rock's wish? To be a little boulder!,0,en
"They say that you are what you eat. That's funny, because I don't remember eating a school shooter.",1,en
I never really got the concept of exact change. It just never made cents,1,en
I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this,1,en
There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It's like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system,1,en
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.,1,en
"""Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye""",0,en
"If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better... Incel olive oil must be amazing.",1,en
"I have a degree in Ceramics... I can't feed my children, but they'll have some terrific urns.",1,en
What's the healthiest cuisine? Vitaminese food.,1,en
Muhammad Ali's epitaph was revealed this morning. Ali ByeBye,0,en
When you'd rather read a book than date a girl. it's prose over hoes,1,en
why do nuns always travel in pairs? because one nun follows the other nun to make sure that nun doesn't get none .,1,en
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.,1,en
Which element is most likely to surrender an electron? Francium.,1,en
"if you're sad about being alone on valentine's day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either .",0,en
today I saw the antivax kid crying and I asked him why turn out he was going through a midlife crisis,1,en
"My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to reheat the leftover turkey from last night's NYE dinner. I told her I quit hot food, cold turkey",1,en
I want to be so famous. That I can just go as myself for Halloween,0,en
Guess who I bumped into at the opticians? Everybody,1,en
Penguins are scientist by nature. They always have to improve their slides,1,en
"The following random syllables are hereby offered as names for your new app: Buzu, Spotchi Jimsin, Plantic, Tanco and Spoob.",0,en
"Good for Christian Bale, visiting the victims of the Aurora, Colorado massacre. I heard some of them even got to meet Heath Ledger",0,en
What do you call an ant that's walking in perfect form? An informant,1,en
"Her: hey handsome, why don't you give me your number... Me: ...because I still need it.",0,en
"i think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a tyrannosaurus rex that's totally fine, and science shouldn't stop her .",0,en
"My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter. So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business",0,en
wasn't wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy's gym bag. how's your night going ? !,0,en
I quietly left my job as a set designer. I didn't want to make a scene,1,en
How do you ruin a good joke's punchline? You repost it hundreds of times.,0,en
"simba was moving too slow, so i told him threedots mufasa",0,en
Nate is the coolest Said no one ever,0,en
"For all those who answer ""how's it goin? "" with ..""can't complain""...please review your FB status's",0,en
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog? A mist conception.,1,en
Q.What do me and a mirror have in common? A.When we see your face we both crack up!,0,en
"Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.",1,en
a boomerang walks into a bar. gets thrown out but he came back in again,0,en
how can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? because it comes out in conversation,1,en
I keep trying to convince my grandmother to get a hearing aid. But she just won't listen,0,en
what's the best vegetable to bring to a party? stephen hawking,0,en
"drummer: ""just add er on the end of your instrument"" guy who plays trumpet: ""so im a trumpeter, ok cool"" guy who plays trombone: ""oh no""",1,en
"if global warming was causing guns to melt, we'd all be driving electric cars within two weeks .",1,en
"When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines",1,en
"What would you do if you were Justin Bieber for a day... ...i would send all the money in his bank account to me, obviously. How about you guys?",0,en
how can you tell that caitlyn jenner was once a man? because she's better at being a woman than most women are .,0,en
q : what happened when the elephant sat on the car? a : everyone knows a mercedes bends !,0,en
what is the same size and shape as an elephant yet weighs nothing? an elephants shadow .,1,en
What do blind trains read? Raile!,1,en
last night i tried a new thai restaurant. it was nice threedots they had a pick your own kitten cage on the counter,0,en
What do you call a flooded mental hospital? Vegetable soup,1,en
To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart. You're welcome,0,en
What are cats favorite Internet Service provider? Comcat.,0,en
When my ex beat me it left me with some bad vibes. My new boyfriend really hits different tho.,1,en
What do you call the female olympics? The Paralympics ,1,en
I wrote a book on DIY. It comes with a free pen,1,en
"ME: I want to take long walks with you. HER: Aww...are you a romantic? ME: No, I don't have a car.",0,en
I was disappointed by the British version of Breaking Bad. It ends after he gets cancer and all his treatment is paid for by the NHS,1,en
"What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples? ""Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra.""",1,en
"I just found out that I'm pregnant, I just thought I would share it with this subreddit Now I just need to find out a way to tell my wife....",0,en
I need great dark jokes These jokes need to be specifically about homeless people ,1,en
"Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Me: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.",0,en
What do you call a guy in a lot of debt? Owen.,1,en
i like my pizza like i like my pizza: pizza,0,en
"Give a fish to a man, he'll eat for a day. Give a man to a fish, he'll eat for like, two weeks!",0,en
"A new gynaecologist just opened near my area but, people are saying he is deaf... I guess he is a really good lip reader...",1,en
"I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today. My Wife wasn't. She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse. Odd, we don't own a dog.",1,en
how do you catch a whale? you wait until last call and use a good pick up line .,0,en
why should you eat your soup in a cup? so that it's not ebola soup .,1,en
"You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits",0,en
What type of fruit do twins prefer? Pears.,1,en
"We were on our way to go hunting, when we saw a sign that said Bear Left.  So we went home.",0,en
What did Watson and Crick study to find DNA? Rosalind Franklin's notes.,0,en
"don't curse the weather. if it didn't change once in a while , nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation",1,en
"her : oh , you brought me flowers! me : yes , one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard threedots",0,en
"the horse name is friday a cowboy rides into town on friday , stays three days and leaves on friday how does he do it? the horses name is friday",1,en
"I got a letter from the bank saying I was still in debt. I don't know why, I sent them a cheque",1,en
why are the reddit servers down so much? because they're being beaten like a dead horse .,0,en
leonardo dicaprio must be sad. he only has one oscar instead of many,0,en
"what does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding? nothing , he already said it twice .",1,en
thinking about getting married? my wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together .,1,en
How do we know that the planet Mars has an active reddit account? Because it has no life.,1,en
Why doesn't Switzerland make good cars? You can only put them in neutral. edit:pronouns,0,en
what type of pants do you need to start a car? cargo pants,1,en
What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored !,0,en
customer : why is this sandwich half eaten? waiter : i didn't have time to finish it .,1,en
My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school,1,en
"We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us.",1,en
Did you ever watch that movie about the killer tire? It was actually a sadtire.,1,en
"Every time I go out to dinner with my dad, he always walks into the restaurant and shouts, ""Yes, we have reservations!""  ...But we'll eat here anyway!""",1,en
What's a sailor's favorite thing to watch at sunset? Knot movies,0,en
Why did Chris Brown move to New York City? He heard about Battery Park.,1,en
"true story: a guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if i was on twitter . i said no . if you're reading this , i lied .",0,en
My grandma is like my barbie doll. Both Lifeless and sitting in the showcase.,1,en
"if you want a real joke, all you have to do is this... just leave a comment and the first reaponse will be a great joke.",0,en
What do you call an empty town after dinner? Desserted,1,en
"back in my day a "" selfie, "" was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion .",1,en
"if i had access to time travel, i'd use it to go back and cash in on some of those naps i was always refusing as a kid .",1,en
what do you call a number that can not stay still? A variable,1,en
what kind of currency do astronauts use in space? starbucks,0,en
Want to know why everyone loves time warner cable? The loading times are out of this world.,0,en
what did the turkeys sing on thanksgiving day? god save the kin .,0,en
The only way we're getting a comeback better than Liverpool Is if Maddie McCann turns up at school tomorrow.,0,en
""" just spots "" "" i keep seeing spots in front of my eyes . "" "" did you ever see a doctor? "" "" no , just spots . """,1,en
What do you call a skinny tree that raps? Slim Shady,1,en
"I'm not saying pregnant woman aren't attractive I'm just saying, It'd feel weird giving some random unborn child dimples.",1,en
optimist: a college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money .,1,en
""" we need to talk "". thought the caveman",0,en
Why is Santa fat? So that the polar bears won't suspect.,0,en
"If it weren't for twitter I wouldn't know what it feels like to go unnoticed. Just kidding, I'm married. I know exactly how that feels.",1,en
Always check the height of any nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this is not important,1,en
What do you call a chinese duo that plays ping pong? Ping Pong,1,en
"If Rick Astley invites you to his Tree House, don't go! Because he's never going to let you down",0,en
How to tell if someone has Rhotacism? Ask them to pronounce it.,1,en
What cars do cows drive? Cattleacs,1,en
my pet bird has lost its voice. please retweet,0,en
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ......All of it.,0,en
its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. life sure is complicated sometimes,1,en
"i asked my girl what she wanted for christmas this year, and she said "" surprise me "" threedots so i phoned her from hawaii .",0,en
How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls? Collect!,0,en
Have you seen www.apathy.com? No and quite honestly I can't be bothered.,0,en
what's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses? the sunglasses sit higher on your face .,1,en
"My girlfriend said she will leave me unless I stop pretending to be a hotel... I said, 'but you can never leave! ' 'You can check out anytime you like'.",0,en
"why suicidal people are usually skinny because most likely, they haven't eaten in years .",1,en
my grandmother has alzheimers so i introduced myself as her husband and had a good night,1,en
"for what a college education costs these days, i think most kids would just prefer to buy a helicopter .",1,en
It was the perfect... ... Black Friday eh? ,0,en
"in japan , they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world. here in america it's national cheeseburger day",1,en
Watch me teach you how to cut a piece of wood just by looking at. You can then say that you saw it with your own two eyes.,0,en
What is the best part of being an elementary school teacher? Its salary of course,1,en
what do nuclear physicists do when they have time off? they go fission .,1,en
What is the proper way to tell a red head joke? Gingerly.,0,en
"My neighbor tried to diet yesterday, it was successful She did it without ""t""",1,en
"If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, none of this would be an issue.",0,en
"Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.",0,en
I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken...  It was hard to grasp...,0,en
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me,1,en
i walked into the reddit restaurant. all the servers were busy,1,en
My friend cooked up some otter the other day! It was otterly delicious.,0,en
Why did Darwin love CSS? Because children inherit properties from their parents.,1,en
I hated playing Fortnite with Stephen Hawking I always had to carry him.,0,en
What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem? It's a puffin!,1,en
Can't believe that it's been over a hundred years since Einstein proposed his theory of relativity. Feels like it was only yesterday,1,en
q : why is a room full of married people empty? a : there isn't a single person in it .,0,en
"Sorry I look depressed. It's just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house",1,en
I have a joke about California's drought. But it's pretty dry,1,en
why did they bury the fireman beneath the hill? because he was dead,1,en
How does a Liverpudlian get to work. He doesn't,1,en
what do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? a holy terror .,1,en
What's better than watching a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.,1,en
"at this stage of my life, "" good in bed "" means not snoring or stealing the covers .",1,en
What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes? Dishrespectful...,1,en
"For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.",1,en
what did the zero say to the eight? nice belt .,1,en
The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world. You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking,1,en
We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign. I guess that's a good constellation prize,0,en
"train tip: a few minutes before the train arrives at your destination , get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster .",0,en
Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!,0,en
cosplaying is like halloween except it happens all year and your friends stop inviting you places,0,en
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: She didn't know what ONE came first...,0,en
"I'm not saying I've let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I've caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory",1,en
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it's bordering on Chile,1,en
"I'm vegetarian now! The long term wards in hospitals have limited space, you know. ",0,en
what's the worst thing about being a professional alligator wrestler? you have to start off by being an amateur alligator wrestler .,1,en
What's the difference between a dog hit by a car and a black hit by a car? There are skid marks on front of the dog's body,1,en
My job blocked the Favstar website and I'm not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I'm totally taking hostages.,0,en
"On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.",1,en
"IS not A joke. You guys are so funny, all of you And I don't want to see anyone say anything like ""not me"". Because everyone in this subreddit is.",1,en
"what do you call it when a girl named "" sandy "" punches someone? sandy hook .",1,en
good music jokes? i want to see what the community can come up with .,1,en
What do you call an educated woman? Intellectual property,1,en
Why was the Windows PC broke? It ran out of cache.,0,en
my father said to me : do unto others as you would have them do unto you. ' so i sent him to a boarding school in england,1,en
how do you make holes in a fire? with a fire drill .,1,en
I went to a placenta party the other day. the cervix was terrible,0,en
"i'm getting married ! well , i have a new boyfriend ! okay , i have a date for tomorrow night ! fine. shoe salesman said "" come back soon """,0,en
"my friends usually get upset with how often i make jokes , but i need to stay strong. you see , seven days without puns makes one weak",1,en
What do you call an exceptional Mexican? Nacho average guy,1,en
why did ranch break up with chicken wings? because he blue cheese threedots,0,en
Did you guys heard about the new fallout game...? I think its called fallout iran.,1,en
What sound does a dead cow make? BOOOOOOOOOO,0,en
What's the creepiest body of water? Lake Eerie. Note: This joke has probably been made before.,0,en
why was the nigerian toddler crying? he was going through mid life crisis .,1,en
My phone died and my buddy said I'm sorry for your loss. Where is the service,0,en
I really love bikes. I'm a pedalphile,1,en
What do you call a gaming double entendre? A Ninutendo,1,en
"I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I'm now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates' pants.",1,en
What was Micheal Jacksons favourite chord to play around with? A Minor.,1,en
why were the sneakers so sad? because they had ten issues .,1,en
How many moles are in a guacamole? Avacado's number.,0,en
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.,0,en
What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat,1,en
Which composer do lumberjacks prefer to listen to? Chopin,1,en
"Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear? It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear",1,en
a mexican athlete finally got a medal at the olympics. the police are still searching for him,1,en
What does cancer and feminism have in common? Nothing they are both basicly the same,1,en
"Officer, how did the hacker escape? Dunno, he just ransomware.",0,en
You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets,0,en
What I think of people on Reddit. Read my name.,0,en
How are Jail and Olive Garden Similar? Free Endless Salad Tossing,0,en
Common scene Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!,0,en
"Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.",0,en
"My ex DM'd me to say I'm acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he's wrong",0,en
"Son: Dad, why'd you name me Achilles? He's from Greek mythology. Dad: Well son, you broke through the trojan wall.",1,en
What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia? Linen,1,en
Ever since my experiments with radiation turned me into a voucher...  I have been looking for a way to redeem myself...,1,en
"First Rule of Thesaurus Club: You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.",1,en
what did the house turn into on the night of the full moon? a warehouse .,0,en
"Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door? Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. """,0,en
"Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that's cool. One time I didn't run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.",1,en
Q: What do you call it when you lease false teeth? A: A dental rental.,0,en
Why should you enjoy the music being played at the entrance of a hotel? Because it's foyer entertainment.,1,en
what do musicians get after they eat a candy bar? a wrapper .,1,en
I fell out of a tree and landed on an antelope. I was impala'd,0,en
"My DJ name is Daemon, because I maintain the beats in the background.",1,en
it's funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment '. because she thinks it's a punishment,1,en
why didn't the girl go on a date with the artist? because he was sketchy .,0,en
girlfriends are like grenades. if you put a ring on them they won't blow,1,en
"The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...",1,en
"I told my parents to put their Euros in my UK bank account, just in case. It didn't work",1,en
"Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting ""free candy"" on the side of creepy looking vans.",1,en
What fish only swims at night? A starfish !,0,en
"what did the french guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left? oh , gosh !",0,en
Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu? Me: Did you laminate these yourself,1,en
my son is a real hand full. i didn't have any tissues handy,1,en
psychic apprentice is ready! psychic apprentice : i'm ready to open my own shop . i quit . psychic : i knew this day would come .,0,en
What are you drinking there? I dunno water you drinking?,0,en
My dad asked me where the phone was. I said it was calling lost and found,0,en
What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower? Mint conditioner.,1,en
What would a house wear? Address ,0,en
What did the spaceman say at the restaurant? This steak is too fatty! I wish it was a little meatier.,0,en
"Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping.. .. that I can pull it off.",1,en
"I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out. At least it tasted like a taco salad",1,en
"i went to the air and space museum this past weekend i didn't see anything, so i left",0,en
why was the math book sad? it had too many problems .,0,en
I don't believe in gender equality because there are just some things I'm not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship,1,en
little brother : i'm going to buy a sea horse . big brother : why? little brother : because i want to play water polo !,0,en
What do you call an orchestra with bronchitis? A coughcoughony!,1,en
what did the domino's pizza delivery guy say to Satan? The power of crust compels you.,0,en
I've got a funny joke but it's kind of long joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke,0,en
I don't know why everyone says quitting smoking is so hard; I've done it hundreds of times.,1,en
There is now a blood test to determine gender attraction. It checks homogloben levels,1,en
Why do watermelons have water in Them? Because they are planted in the spring!,1,en
Think training raptors is tough? Imagine Dragons.,0,en
What did they call the race car driver who won with a hen strapped to the hood of his car? Number One with a Pullet.,1,en
what's the bare minimum? one bear .,0,en
"relationships nowadays: first month , i love you baby ! second month , we are forever ! third month , single .",0,en
So there's this guy that yawns a lot. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNN,0,en
"i typed "" cigarettes "" in the search bar and it said "" no matches "". the universe has spoken",1,en
What did the rock say when he had to leave his girlfriend for a long time? I pumice I'll come back soon!,0,en
"facebook is like an emotion bank people deposit their feelings to save, but usually gain very little interest .",1,en
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a violin? A: A cello burns longer.,0,en
"How many women do you need to change a bulb? None, wash in the dark",0,en
Wanna hear a joke? Auto Moderator,0,en
I got offered a job at a kaleidoscope company. I'm looking into it,1,en
Germany has never won Gold in Athletics Which is funny because they're known for finishing races fast,1,en
Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook status,0,en
If I had a female dog. I would name her karma,1,en
i always try not to judge people. which is probably why i lost my job as a judge !,1,en
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? With it's sparrowchute !,0,en
"""Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem, "" I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct",1,en
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life. unless it gets in his way,0,en
Which word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.,1,en
I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls. Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.,1,en
Chemistry Joke! Why can't acids argue well? All their statements are baseless.,1,en
what is simultaneously the best and worst thing one can hear at the dentist? these are the best looking teeth i've ever come across,1,en
Why was Paul Walker cremated? The family got a rebate because the job was already half done.,1,en
"don't judge me for my race , don't judge me for my gender. judge me because i've read all four of the twilight books",1,en
i've done it ! i've solved the question we have all asked since the dawn of time . where do we go when we die? in the ground .,0,en
my stomach just made a really weird noise. so i'm just going to send a pizza down to check it out,1,en
How does Sisyphus deal with his boulder falling down the mountain? He just rolls with it.,1,en
you know what's the biggest turn off for me? consent .,0,en
Why does the church not have WiFi? Because then they would have to believe in something invisible that actually exists.,1,en
What's yellow and flys through walls? A magic banana...,0,en
"truth is, nobody can parkour better than squirrels. nobody",0,en
"My wife yelled at me saying, ""You weren't even listening just now, were you? !"" I thought, ""Man, what a weird way to start a conversation.""",1,en
What type of vegetable is only kinda awesome? A radish,1,en
"Farmer Joke As a lonely British farmer looking for love, I like my woman like my tea... Cold and filled with another farmer's cream",0,en
"Hey girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest",1,en
"Did you hear that Bjork covered a Lady Gaga song? It's called ""Bjorn This Way"".",1,en
"Some people think the Arctic and the Antarctic are the same... ...but in reality, they are polar opposites.",1,en
My wife loves it when I tickle her She laughs while I'm tickling and angry at me when I stop,1,en
do you have eggs for breakfast? kevin bacon,0,en
So I was at a funeral last week My sorry text didnt go as planned,0,en
"Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.",0,en
"what did the donut say to the cop? don't taste me , bro !",0,en
"I may have dry humped the Oreo section at the supermarket today, but I'm not telling. Just kidding, I totally did!",0,en
What's a skunk's favourite game in school? Show and smell!,0,en
"what did the robot say to the other robot as they destroyed each other? "" nothing personal . """,1,en
"I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I'm lost in the woods",0,en
What do you call a Cloyster that wants to learn the move Rain Dance? The clam before the storm!,1,en
"do i have friends ? are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies ? then yes, i have a bunch of friends .",0,en
what does a bunny do to a bank? rabbit,0,en
insanity is hereditary. you get it from your kids,0,en
They had a big special at the supermarket last week. He was working in the car park collecting the trolleys. ,1,en
"Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.",1,en
why couldn't the leopard play q : why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? a : because he was always spotted .,0,en
"i didn't see anyone important today, so i'll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow .",0,en
"i have a phobia of german sausage yes, i fear the wurst .",1,en
"What did the little boy say the landlady ""do i really need to take my clothes off""",1,en
Have you heard about the insomniac polymath? She could do ALMOST everything with her eyes closed.,1,en
Why are sea sponges good at statistics? They understand coralations!,1,en
Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing. There were no casual tees,1,en
hear about the serial killer who was actually quite sensitive? he wore other people's hearts on his sleeve .,1,en
"sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent .",1,en
A dodgeball player died recently. He will be missed,0,en
OMFG there is a horse in the corridor! Then my wife must still be in the manege.,0,en
""" still upset about earlier? "" yeah "" so you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store . no big deal "" i was a world jenga champion , sally",0,en
What do you call a house made of feathers? A lite house,1,en
"life without you is like facebook without friends, youtube without videos and google with no results threedots",0,en
what's baked every day and sells itself? my sister .,0,en
"""You know, when I was a surgeon in the army my nickname was Nodoc. "" It's what my patients always told me before they went under",1,en
"live this day as if it is your last. and if it turns out it isn't , make a great many apologies tomorrow",0,en
Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks? A bow.,1,en
I caught a lot lizard the other day. Keeping it in a cage with hot rocks till i figure out what to feed it,1,en
If you jump off a bridge in Paris. You are in seine,0,en
Imagine if people referenced the Beach Boys more often! Wouldn't it be nice?,0,en
What Do Nuns Call Air Conditioning In A Prison? A convent!,1,en
what is the world's leading cause of hearing loss? religion .,1,en
Anyone know what separates Iceland from Ireland..? .. Just a single Sea,1,en
Have you heard about the Tempura Shelter they are opening downtown? It's a center for lightly battered women.,1,en
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a corpse Nothing really.,0,en
Thought of this while making breakfast. What did the microbiologist bring to the art fair? A cup of yogurt.,1,en
"No thanks ""protected account"". You can't trick me into following you! For all I know, you could be a vegan.",0,en
what makes an ink joke so funny? the plot .,0,en
I'm great at signalling for help on a sinking ship. Just got a flare for it,0,en
"i like to buy books , but i never read them. i just want them for my shelf",0,en
Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window.,1,en
"Kobe vs Paul Walker Which one is the fast, i can't choose",0,en
They say Titanic was shot in a swimming pool. So was The Great Gatsby,1,en
What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!birt,0,en
"fart john farts in the local market and jack says : "" what was that? "" john says : "" that was an atomic bomb """,1,en
"Investigators weren't sure how the victim was killed, but they did find traces of kindness at the scene.",1,en
what's it called when you fry up an egg with a bunch of different ingredients? omelette you figure it out,0,en
I was carrying some spaghetti as I walked past a priest. You could say I moved some pasta past a pastor,0,en
What do monks always forget to hang? The monk keys.,1,en
"When you say, ""save me some nachos"" and I say, ""okay"" think Rose at the end of Titanic saying ""I'll never let go"". as she lets go",1,en
"I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn't",1,en
What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn? Beep repaired...,0,en
"Micheal J. Fox made a Twitch account. He doesn't play games, he just sits there.",0,en
"when a deaf person sees me yawn, does he think i'm screaming ?",1,en
"Why did the kid run across the freeway? To show his friends he had guts. And boy, did he have guts.",0,en
"For tax purposes, my carpe is now per diem.",1,en
What duo were famous for stealing horses? Bonnie and Clydesdale!,0,en
Why people cry during the weddings? ...they are preparing for whats coming afterwards,1,en
Why was the old Jewish woman afraid her chauffeur got her pregnant? Because they schlepped together.,1,en
I saw a very odd Middle Eastern market the other day. It was quite bazaar,1,en
how do porcupines hug? carefully !,0,en
My friend Mahmoud bombed his physics final. At least he didn't fail,1,en
Genetically modified organism Applies to both types of vegetables,1,en
"i drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it's like there's just no reward for laziness .",1,en
"I made a gaffe about birth complications Well, that came out wrong.",1,en
"what did the owl say to the squirrel? nothing . because owls don't talk . then it ate the squirrel , because owls are birds of prey .",1,en
"I've been recently obsessed with the band Fish They're having a few shows, I'm hoping to catch a live one!",1,en
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken.,1,en
Old MacDonald had a stroke Eeighyeiow!,0,en
it's ok to believe in life after love. cher if you agree,0,en
"I like to sit and pee because it makes me feel good, but I always get weird looks from the guy at the next urinal.",1,en
"math may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. but it gives us every reason to hope that "" every problem has a solution """,1,en
What's the difference between girls and a dead horse? I don't ride em girls. ,0,en
There used to be a superhero that could turn into furniture and wore a crown. He was sofa king cool,0,en
What's the biggest moth in the world? A mammoth !,0,en
why do babies cry so much? you're mom .,0,en
what fabric softener do Special Ed kids use? Downy,1,en
""" what are you reading ? "" great expectations. "" is it any good ? "" it's not all i hoped for",1,en
how do buddhist monks send emails? they remove all attachments .,1,en
Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank. Because he was unarmed,0,en
Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...,0,en
just breathe and eat a banana. everything will be ok,0,en
whats strong enough for a man but made for a woman? the back of my hand,0,en
"Let's time it. I'll know how long it takes, but you won't.",0,en
What do you get when you put resistance on a stove? Ohm on the range,1,en
"If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?",1,en
Shepherd's wife: You always seem so happy dear. Shepherd: I got ewe babe,0,en
"i swallow at least one note per meal that says "" we're all really proud of you, "" in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day .",1,en
I was watching a documentary about the stories of disabled people. It is called veggie tales if you are wondering.,1,en
"One liner I thought of and giggled at the other day A wise man once said, ""Love is all you need. And Kevlar."" I made up that last part.",1,en
MEMO TO GIRLS: It is not cold in here. You are a girl,0,en
"me : so , you come here often? him : threedots we're in my house .",0,en
"Nice weather guys, lets have the internet outside today...",0,en
"what did one triangle say to the other triangle about the square? look out for that guy , he's got another side to him .",1,en
"So the first blind guy just climbed Mount Everest On the one hand I admire him, on the other hand I'm kinda jealous. It must be a really nice view.",1,en
What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin',0,en
If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you. I would definitely think about you,0,en
My buddy james had to get rid of his dodge charger It had an acceleration issue,1,en
"I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral... ...But was a ""Family Barbecue"" really the best idea?",1,en
"Keep pressing my fists, the IT woman said. It's refreshing, she said",1,en
What do you call a baby pig? A bacon seed.,1,en
What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar? Weight for it...,0,en
why are they still playing christmas commercials? me watching recorded tv shows,1,en
"one thing that i have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves .",1,en
Why do turkeys always gobble? They haven't been taught good table manners!,1,en
What's Nick Fury's least favorite steak type A ribeye,0,en
"the love for music! if someday we all go to prison for downloading music , i hope they split us by music genre .",0,en
"whenever i see a couple with a significant height difference, i always picture them doing it .",1,en
What did the cat say to the prison guard? Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!,0,en
Why do electricians wear pants? Because they hate shorts.,1,en
Need a friend?text me Need a laugh?call me Need money?... this number is no longer in service.,0,en
Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease? Because the condition was untweetable.,1,en
What cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone!,0,en
I have an addiction to Mexican food. But I don't like to taco bout it,1,en
i'd love to get into herb gardening. i just don't have the thyme,0,en
what are a ninjas favourite type of shoes? sneakers !,0,en
So I fired my sphere maker. He kept cutting corners,1,en
"What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.",1,en
Thought for the day: is Taylor Swift's song We are never getting back together' actually about her legs ?,1,en
How do deaf people tell each other secrets? They wear mittens.,1,en
"Friday is like a bra... You did your job all week, now it's time to take it off! ... anyone need a hand??",0,en
"Chris Rock and Drake Bell should make a Christmas special together, about making a song for a product... ...and call it ""Jingle Bell Rock.""",1,en
"Have you heard about that new girl, Pandora? She's got one hell of a box.",0,en
"Every time I see anteaters in a restaurant, they always order the same thing.",1,en
"it's cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.",1,en
"When someone bumps into me in a crowded mall and says ""sorry"", I like to look them right in the eye and tell them ""I forgive you"".",1,en
why is the sky blue? and how can we cheer it up,0,en
What do you call a senior citizen from Mexico? A senor citizen.,1,en
A man walks up to his friend and asks him what he is doing. The man replies: I'm donating this chair to CHAIRity,1,en
what does your mom and a truck have in common. they both carry a wide load,1,en
Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day. Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy,0,en
what do you call a blond skeleton in the closet? the winner of hide and seek .,1,en
Why should Rihanna date the Edmonton Oilers? Because they don't beat anybody.,1,en
"What do women and pine trees have in common? Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy.",1,en
does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? no only medium rare !,0,en
"Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don't enjoy them. Plz understa",0,en
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A postage stamp.,0,en
What ship breaks dangerous ice flows in the Arctic? The Titanic.,0,en
why is the canadian mint so confusing? because they don't make any cents .,1,en
"did you know there are bees that produce milk? yeah , they are called boo bees .",1,en
just found out you can eat a big turkey dinner whenever you want without having to be thankful. this changes everything,0,en
"holiday tip : remember , you only have a few days left to drop out of people's lives to avoid buying gifts. you're welcome",0,en
Why do romans always buy their clothes to big? They go for XL if L is too big for them.,1,en
"How did they come up with Canada's name? Well first they picked a C, eh. Then an N, eh. Then a D, eh.",1,en
Did you hear about the string of bank robberies committed by a guy dressed up like Jesus? The cops finally nailed him.,1,en
If bed bugs are found in beds.... Then what's the story behind cockroaches?,1,en
How do nudists greet each other? With a bare hug.,1,en
The funniest joke of all time tbh My life. God seems to be laughing,0,en
i tried to have a conversation with a rock. it was hard,1,en
"Eating cereals for dinner. It's the breakfast of tomorrow, today!",0,en
"your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does .",1,en
"eating with the shakes if a person with parkinson's is eating a brownie, is it "" brownie in motion "" ?",1,en
"cheetah is not the fastest animal on the earth. if a cheetah runs after you , you will run faster",1,en
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.,1,en
An elegant man call the mailman the other day. This double oval shape organ,1,en
"What does ""Maginot"" mean? Welcome",1,en
I'm glad we don't call detergent by its full name: Detergentleman.,1,en
yesterday i saw a squirrel swimming threedots it was really cool. i have never seen that before,0,en
Blowjobs by those with braces Are the best circumsicions,1,en
"Should I include ""hard working and honest"" in my resume? Applying for a software engineer's role at Volkswagen.",1,en
AMA request: Paul McCartney How big of an impact has Kanye been to your music career blowing up?,0,en
"What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.",1,en
A woman in a store was complaining vehemently about her bathroom fan. I guess she really needed to vent,1,en
"Ever heard of a game called Polish Roulette? It's like Russian Roulette except all the chambers are loaded. edit: ""chambers,"" not ""barrels""",1,en
having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting. until you realize you live alone,0,en
What's the best part about having a blind partner? You know they won't be seeing other people.,0,en
"A mango told an apple ""I love you"" Actually it was a passionfruit, not a mango",1,en
manager : i'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time? young player : ok i'll come back in a year's time !,1,en
what do the irish hate more than potatoes? no potatoes .,1,en
the letter i takes up less room than the letter w yet they're both counted as one character. if twitter was an airline this wouldn't happen,1,en
"no matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationary .",1,en
Why don't you put eggs in a microwave? Because they eggsplode. :D,0,en
all i got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards. i found it really hard to deal with,1,en
"i met a girl who was looking hot and i said to her: your temperature is high today , as usual got weird reaction .",1,en
In the last few months we lost the two men who knew more about black holes... Stephen Hawking and Hugh Hefner . May their souls rest in peace.,0,en
"Hi everyone, I'd like to announce that I'm dating my very first professional model. she's a 'before' model, can't wait to see how she'll turn out",1,en
Why did the unicorn cross the road? To make the rainbow connection!,0,en
my sole task as an elevator boy is pushing buttons. it's just depressing,1,en
"Despite whatever Gene Simmons says, Chuck Norris IS Doctor Love.",1,en
my bathroom i've decided to call my bathroom the jim instead of the john. it sounds better when i tell folks i go to the jim every morning,1,en
If I had a dollar everytime I saw a hipster. I'd have an obscure amount,1,en
how can you tell if someone is ticklish? you use test tickles,0,en
". How are you on your grind, if you're on twitter all the time",0,en
What kind of stories does Eli Whitney tell on Easter? Cottontales,1,en
"new glasses "" new glasses? they look super , man ! "" clark kent begins to sweat .",0,en
It's a great time to be an ER doctor. Business is really surgeon.,1,en
What's the difference between Spongebob Square Pants and Madeline McCann? They're both at the bottom of the ocean...but Spongebob has his pants on.,0,en
Emma Watson was hot in a couple of the Harry Potter movies Then she grew up ,1,en
"hey geese crossing the road, u can fly .",0,en
What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!,0,en
"My friend has a compulsion to eat everything in sight, and as a result, he's put on a lot of weight. You might say he suffers from OBCD",1,en
"Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless. It's Chris Hansen",0,en
"my son just got a tattoo of a heart , a spade , a club , and a diamond , all without my permission. i guess i'll deal with him later",0,en
I became rich by selling fertilizer. I have some very prosperous phosphorus,1,en
what do you get if you cross a shark with a snowman? an empty playground,0,en
How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.,1,en
"ladies , if a man doesn't answer your "" what are you doing tonight? "" text till it's already night time , you're plan b .",0,en
How do you mail an egg? In a henvelope!,0,en
just convinced my mom she won't get wolf of wall street if she doesn't see teen wolf first. please play along,0,en
where did the gingerbread man lose his leg? he lost it back in the ' nom war,1,en
"At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard",0,en
"reddit is like the dentist. no matter what you're doing , it's wrong",1,en
i got two front teeth for christmas! i have no idea who they belong to .,0,en
"My girlfriend asked me if hotdogs were good for her diet I replied, ""They're not the wurst""",1,en
What did the sergeant say to the corporal? I need to see your privates.,1,en
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers? Fang letters !,0,en
"spanish : the h is silent english : many letters can be silent french : all letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason",1,en
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car,0,en
I was gonna tell you all a joke about how I had to replace the wood holding up my fence. But I was afraid it is only a repost,1,en
I can tell a train has been through here recently... You know how I can tell? Cause there is its tracks.,0,en
"there's a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children",1,en
"what's pink , wrinkly and hangs out my underpants? my mother .",0,en
a woman goes to the doctor with a nail in her ear ' what's the matter? ' asks the doctor . ' i'm listening to metal . ' she answers .,1,en
"When you neutralize an acidic solution in a titration, what do you do? Drop the base.",1,en
i couldn't get tickets for the plan b concert. so i had to go with my first choice instead,1,en
"what's a foot long , made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? a shoe .",0,en
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist. wonder If they would trade for a dictionary,1,en
"Famous last words ""with this snow, the road looks like a sidewalk! "" Jimmy exclaimed, Famous last words...",0,en
when do clocks die? when their time is up .,0,en
What do rich parents tell their infants? Gucci Gucci goo.,1,en
Wife: It's not a chick flick! Me: was the movie released in February? W: yes. M: are they standing back to back on the cover? W: sigh.. yes,0,en
"I want you to know that someone cares! Not me, but someone.",0,en
I tried to come up with a Labor Day joke but it didn't work. I guess it was because I was preoccupied.,1,en
"If our body is made of cells, what's a picture made of? Pixels.",1,en
"my grandson asked me what it's like to be married so i told him to leave me alone. when he did , i asked him why he was ignoring me",1,en
Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion,0,en
I went to a shop earlier and they had a special on He collects the trolleys.,0,en
"having trouble with your iphone saying "" no service ""? just put your shirt and shoes back on .",0,en
Why doesn't Kanye West take his wife to the beach? Because he is afraid tidal wave will take her away from him.,0,en
"I was thinking about perfect spirals in the restroom, I now know why its called the ""golden"" ratio.",1,en
"There's a great new website that helps you find the local church that is right for you They call it, Evangielist.",0,en
what do old people with alzheimer's often say? i don't remember .,1,en
What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving? He gave tanks.,1,en
What's used to calculate binomial coefficients and eaten on Passover? A Paschal Triangle!,1,en
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now i can't find him,0,en
"What happens when you mix Jared from Subway and Bill Cosby? I don't know; It was too long ago, and I can't remember.",0,en
"If you lower your expectations, you can never be disappointed. Lower them too far, and you'll end up in line for the new iPhone",0,en
"I am fluent in Italian and Spanish, but I'm much better at Italian I guess you could say that Italian is my forte",1,en
What kind of gum do astronauts chew? Hubble Bubble,0,en
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown,0,en
What do all the Smiths in the telephone book have in common? They all have telephones...,1,en
How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad? Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.,1,en
My uncle came into our house last night to see my disabled sister who just got out of hospital Our house wasn't the only thing he came into,1,en
""" waiter ! have you got frogs ' legs? "" "" no sir i always walk this way """,0,en
What's a job a handicapped person can't pursue? Stand Up Comedy.,1,en
What's the difference between MLK and a kid with cancer? They both have dreams that will never come true.,1,en
I once went on a date with a girl called Simile. I don't know what I metaphor,1,en
"A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy. It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.",1,en
"My wife says I don't listen to her. I think that's what she said, anyhow",0,en
"Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit card? Neither, he used praypal.",1,en
"i liked the hobbit books , but harry potter? that's a different story threedots",0,en
Things that kinda rhyme. Very Hungry Caterpillar Scary Money Counterfeiter,0,en
so do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse? flattery is hard .,1,en
"""If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly how did it fall off? "" Interviewer: I meant about the job. Me: Oh.... no I'm good.",1,en
Scientists agree gender is a spectrum... ... exactly like autism.,1,en
why does a one legged man make a terrible therapist? because he has less understanding .,1,en
Setting up a Moses business would be simple except for one setback. Staff problems,1,en
"I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, 'cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.",1,en
What is a hamburger's favourite story? Hansel and Gristle!,0,en
"In the new James Bond movie, Bond apologizes to women for his behavior and is never seen again.",1,en
What does a dancing piece of land in the middle of nowhere? Plot twisting!,0,en
What do you call an asthmatic bird? A puffin.,1,en
Jesus fed five thousand people with just two fish. Not surprising. He was a Jew after all.,1,en
"My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year",0,en
True house cleaners aren't just born...  They're maid...,1,en
What do you call a show full of lions? The mane event !,1,en
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see any!,0,en
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.,0,en
How do you say constipated in German? Fahfrompoopin,1,en
How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet.,1,en
What do you get if you cross Socrates with a dentist? A flossopher!,0,en
Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn? To spruce things up a bit.,1,en
did you hear about the logical skunk? it made sense .,1,en
Where do you get thin chocolate? Ethiopia ,1,en
"did i tell you i bought a sports car? it wasn't very good though , i beat it in every sport i played against it",1,en
Brown The best things in life are most of the time brown Like.. Brown Bread Brown Rice Brown Sugar And Brown Sugar,1,en
What did the girl who cheated with the sheepherder do when she got caught? Creates a religion,0,en
I met a girl called simile. I don't know what I metaphor,1,en
I tried listening to my Demi Lovato record the other day... ...but the needle kept getting stuck.,0,en
"joke request tell me your best joke that includes "" july "" "" fourth "" and "" fire "" let's see what you've got, reddit !",0,en
"I took my grandma to one of those spa's, where fish eat your dead skin So much cheaper than burial or cremation",0,en
"hey , reddit ! here's one about cats : why did the mother cat move her kittens? she didn't want to litter .",0,en
Say what you will about dating a paralyzed girl But I never forget to eat my vegetables,1,en
I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat,0,en
William Shatner? I didn't even know he knew her.,0,en
"Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair",0,en
"bathroom etiquette never ,ever come out of the restaurant bathroom sniffing your fingers no matter how good the soap smells",1,en
"We were at a local restaurant waiting for a server, she finally came over and says ""sorry for the wait"". I say you look perfectly skinny to me",1,en
why can't someone who wears glasses get a job? they don't have any contacts !,0,en
How do Protestants like their orange juice? without Pope,1,en
ran into a coworker at target. didn't want her to know i was buying baby clothes for my cat so i told her i'm pregnant,0,en
"im sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours ?",0,en
You Are What You Eat You are what you eat huh? I don't remember eating any cannibals lately ,1,en
What do you call a threesome with two guys and a girl? ...a DVD.,0,en
what's the key to a great thanksgiving? turkey,0,en
"when a relative asks me what i'm doing with my life, i tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he's doing .",1,en
I've decided to pour a new foundation for my porch. I want to make concrete changes to my life. ,0,en
Whats the difference between a dog and a child? I don't eat the dog after I beat it.,0,en
Not a dark joke I'm just here to say that auto mode is back and I need to know what happened how did the old mods get back here,0,en
"My friend asked me if I was hungry. I said no, I'm Austria",1,en
"Me when I show my Itallian friend the place where things are excavated which belongs to me ""It's a mine""",1,en
i like bald eagles. they taste almost just like baby seals,1,en
"how did your blind date go? bit of a disaster really , our guide dogs started fighting",1,en
"""Why is there sweat on my handbag? "" ""Calm down, it's just a little pursepiration.""",0,en
what do you call a german grocery store that carries everything but fish? not sea food .,1,en
"I tried to read a book on Nordic countries, but. I tried to read a book on Nordic countries, but I couldn't Finnish",1,en
"My wife and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with any woman I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore",1,en
"What should I buy for dinner? I see frozen peas are cool this time of year. ..you might say that's a corny joke, but it's really not. It's a pea joke.",1,en
When is the worst time to get Cancer? North of the equator.,1,en
Weighing elephants is. A large scale problem,1,en
What is the motto for the Epilepsy Research Society? Sieze the day,1,en
What vehicle does a baker drive? A Winnebagel,1,en
Why new iphone has camera's just like stove? Because tim cooks for stove jobs! Because tim cooks for stove jobs!,0,en
Abdul and fahal both jump from the top of a building who fell first? The building ,0,en
"how do you improve public transportation in ferguson , mi? move the trees closer together .",0,en
I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator. We speak to eachother on so many different levels,1,en
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson? The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside.,1,en
Why did Snake walk into the bar? Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.,1,en
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop? The second hand store.,0,en
What do you call a group of make a wish kids A to go salad,1,en
did you hear about that one statistician? probably .,1,en
I've never understood the whole 'burying people for fun at the beach'. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes,1,en
person: can you keep a secret? me: I'll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life person: oh thank god,0,en
What does a cleaning appliance's car sound like? Broom broom,1,en
What did the number do when it divided from its companion? Changed its status from 'In A Relationship' to 'Single'.,1,en
"Ed Sheeran goes to concert for the Handicaps ""When your legs don't work like they use to before""",1,en
I just got hired at a light bulb factory. The boss told me I have a bright future.,1,en
What do you call a good joke on Reddit? Unoriginal,1,en
"if someone you know is stressed out , be sure to tell them they need to relax. you'd be surprised how many people hadn't thought of that",1,en
I like my women how I like my phone Turned off or disabled,0,en
TIME Magazine just announced its Person of the Year: it's sourdough bread.,1,en
why couldn't the pirate have gravy with his thanksgiving dinner? because someone stole his boat .,0,en
Whats the diffrence of a phycial gram phaser test and suicidal bombing? One of them can make you lose alot of fat in a second.,0,en
So much traffic around the funeral home. I guess it's not a dying business,1,en
What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks? A snout bout!,1,en
"new joke I know this deaf musician, he plays a keyboard with one hand. and sings with the other",1,en
What's Natalie Portman's favorite element? Thorium.,1,en
How is finding a parking spot like getting girls. Sometimes all the good ones are taken so you gotta just put it in the handicap one.,0,en
how do you get ready for a trip around the sun? planet,0,en
I'm always right about things. Could you say I have a correctile dysfunction,0,en
"How many french men does it take to conquer Paris? No one knows, it's never been done.",1,en
"If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be",0,en
What do you call Abby who lives in the city? Downtown Abby,1,en
"if you don't wear ear protection, do you run the risk of getting hearing aids ?",1,en
"if you workout and don't post a status about it on facebook, do you still lose weight ?",0,en
interviewer : why did you leave your last job? me : hmm that's a tough one . i guess i'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength,1,en
What does a little sister ride? A nii san,0,en
"Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.",1,en
how does alfred call batman for dinner? dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner batman !,1,en
why do so many american tourists end up in eastern europe? they get hungary so they go for turkey .,1,en
What does a priest and legos have in common? They both come in small packages.,1,en
my homie only lets dudes use his lawnmower. no hoe mow,0,en
Earth's scientists have discovered that sheep are smarter than most primates. This explains why not a lot of sheep tune in to Jersey Shore,1,en
what kind of car does depressed daniel drive? sad dan,0,en
"Today I got late to my doctor's office, He said ""you are late!"" With this appointment....",1,en
I once told a woman I could give her twelve inches. I just needed to make four three inch installments,1,en
"customer : you said these pants were pure wool but the label says "" all cotton. "" salesman : oh that's just to keep the moths away",1,en
why a fruit doesn't walk? because fruit flies,1,en
"A math joke told to me by another redditor... So... What did the integral say to the equation? ""I don't even...""",1,en
I was watching one of my old cholo adventures videos and i didn't even laugh once! I laughed a bunch,0,en
"My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.",1,en
"i went to oklahoma recently, it was pretty ok",0,en
"i bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. not a great gift i know , but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it",0,en
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis? A. At a secondhand store.,0,en
What the worst thing to find in the shower A gold star,0,en
best actor of all time in human history. also starring,1,en
What does velcro yell as it charges into battle? ATTACH!,0,en
"tifu by clicking on a link that read "" click to see something unexpected! "" spanish inquisition .",0,en
Text response from a confused carcass: I decay.,0,en
What city do lawyers come from? Sioux City.,1,en
"Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.",0,en
Did you hear about the guy who died while digging a hole for a coffin? It was a grave excavation.,0,en
why did the romans build straight roads? so their soldiers didn't go around the bend !,1,en
What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.,1,en
Why was the bird sick? It had the flew and its throat was soar.,0,en
My dad used to beat me while playing chess. Because I'd always win,1,en
What did the guy who burglarized the German bakers store at Christmas find out. All of his cookies were Stollen,1,en
What do you call a Brit who travels to France and lives the rest of their life there? Princess,0,en
Celebrity Deaths would scare Stevie Wonder. But he would never see death coming,0,en
what is the best gift for a jehovah's witness? an advent calender all those doors so many possibiltes.,1,en
david guetta feat. the person who sings the whole song,1,en
health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because i bought a vegetable .,1,en
If I play my cards right. I Can become a Pro pokerplayer,1,en
what did the tailor say after a job well done? there is nothing left too loose .,1,en
What do chickens work on in the gym?... ...Their pecks.,1,en
What's the difference between a twitcher and a stutterer? One's a bird watcher and the other's a word botcher!,0,en
"played an organ for the first time today i really enjoyed it, but my patient didn't .",1,en
what do you call a golf club in the rear of your car? a backseat driver,1,en
what does a scotsman wear under his kilt? if it's a good day lipstick,1,en
what do you call a fast ghost? spooky gonzales,1,en
What's a baseball players favorite type cake? A bundt cake.,1,en
"While on duty, a police officer comes across an injured baby horse. The cause of the injury unknown, but the officer suspects foal play",1,en
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture. I told her that I am looking for matches,1,en
I'm driving up to Worcester this weekend Easier done than said.,0,en
What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common? One protects all colors.,1,en
what do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus? a stand up driver .,1,en
Not to brag but I'm never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation,1,en
what did the blonde say when she looked into the box of cheerios? wow ! donut seeds !,0,en
I like my bagels like I like my women; lightly toasted with sesame seeds and a little butter. I don't understand this joke format,1,en
Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character? You're flerken right he is.,0,en
"Why did the Kurd bury his music collection? His tribesman said ""ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis.""",1,en
"Why was there a whale in Wales in a well? We're not sure, its a deep subject....",0,en
"To show off my ""Downton Abbey etiquette"" at the gym, I don't throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it",1,en
"Her: I just don't like you, no one does Me: What, why? is it my hair? Her: no Me: MY LOOKS! ? Her: no, it's your personality Me: oh thank god",0,en
What do you call an amputee that does karate? A partial artist.,1,en
what do men and mascara have in common? they both run at the first sign of emotion .,1,en
"I was in that kosher supermarket earlier. I knew something was wrong when an automated voice said, ""unexpected gunman in the bagging area""",1,en
Why did the butcher divorce his wife? He caught her eating his competitor's meat!,0,en
So I'm making a Marvin Gaye tribute band. We're gonna be called 'Marvin Gayer',1,en
"Roses are red, Violets are red. Actually, I think my garden's on fire",1,en
"blood is thicker than water, so i'm going to have to use comet on this bathtub",0,en
i love fight club! i showed up a little late so i missed the first few rules but i can't wait to go next week,0,en
Girls on GoneWild Q: Why do girls on gonewild wear panties? A: So that their ankles would keep warm,0,en
"fun fact by law , fun facts don't have to be true , but actual facts do. just a fun fact i thought i'd share",1,en
Our wireless network means a lot to us We're so close and have such a strong connection.,1,en
what's the most beautiful thing in mathematics? a cute angle,1,en
what food is given to ebola patients? pizza because it can be slipped under the door .,1,en
"The last time my city had a white Christmas, I made snow angels I skidded on ice and took out three pedestrians.",1,en
"to think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their sleep number is .",1,en
i used to be in a band called missing cat '. you probably saw our posters,0,en
"The keurig machine at work acts like its going to give me coffee, but it turns off at the last minute. I feel like I'm getting brew balls",1,en
"my ex has become so poor whenever i call her she always says "" please, leave me a loan """,1,en
What do snowmen sleep in? A blanket of snow.,1,en
"in a catholic boarding school , how do you know when to go to bed? the big hand touches the little hand .",1,en
"A Pomeranian walks into a pomegranate convention, takes a second look at the flier and walks away disappointed.",1,en
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow: Informer,1,en
first kangaroo : how do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros? second kangaroo : the elephant has a better memory .,1,en
"i wish restaurant food looked like the pictures on the menu . a hostess asked me how everything was . i said, "" my compliments to the photographer . """,1,en
what did Santa said to people this year? See You Next Tuesday!!,0,en
"i can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working .",1,en
A quick thing I would like to say to the man who invented Zero. Thanks for nothing,0,en
did you hear about the depressed horse? he told a tale of whoa !,0,en
What's the quickest way to turn a fox into a dog? Marry it.,0,en
The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You're probably broke and there's nothing you can do about it,1,en
Have you heard about the guy who didn't want to walk the plank? He wasn't on board with it.,0,en
"however rich and successful you are, your cat will never see you as an equal .",0,en
Roses are red Violets are blue Meet me in bed To learn something new Pfff. poetry is easy,0,en
why are artists the only guys who can sleep with comedians? because drawing is the only way to make a comic strip .,1,en
What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn? Beep Repaired I'll show myself out.,0,en
Pub Quiz I did terribly in the Greek Mythology section of the Pub Quiz last night. You could say it's my Achilles Wrist,1,en
Does this bus stop at the river? If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.,0,en
why was the web server down? mary jane dumped him .,0,en
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?  He lost track of thyme...,0,en
What for you call a motivated mannequin? Mannecan,1,en
What's Aladdin's favorite Pokemon? A Magikarpet.,0,en
What do you call a Knight that cuts beef? Sir Loin.,1,en
why the young tailor couldn't finish his father's pants? because he had no pocket money .,1,en
tip to reduce weight : turn your head to the left then turn to the right. repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat,0,en
"Of my four girlfriends, I'm totally the orange Pacman ghost of the group",1,en
What do you call a depressed clementine on a late night walk? A meanderin' orange.,1,en
Difference Between Kobe Bryant and Christmas Music? Christmas Music will play again next year...,0,en
"this is my locker room talk guy : hey , do you know if they supply towels here? me : please don't look at me , my shirt is off .",0,en
haven't seen a king so upset since mlk had a dream! warriors,0,en
What game do enemy naval officers play in the sauna? Battleshvitz,1,en
What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad? Mediyolkre.,1,en
What song was performed at Geralt Of Rivia's funeral? Ding Dong The Witcher's Dead,0,en
My gramma died a few years ago I used to love eating her cookies,0,en
What happened to the tasty noun? Verbatim.,1,en
You ever been to the strip club on that ice planet? I heard it's pretty Hoth,0,en
"So these two blind men tried to start a glasses business, but they were always arguing... ...guess they couldn't see each others vision.",1,en
what did the lawyer say after the short trial? that was a brief case .,1,en
"Rihanna, what did you mean the wind gave you this black eye? No, I said it was Breezy.",0,en
"A lycanthrope transforms in front of his friend for the first time. His friend says ""oh my god, you just turned into a wolf! "" He replies: ""yes. I am a were.""",1,en
How do we know that Jesus was made of bread? Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.,0,en
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?  Tinselitis.,1,en
"girl , is your name "" schedule ""? because i'm always running behind ya .",1,en
"so far, too much day and too little hump .",0,en
what did the tailor say to the fed up customer? suit yourself .,1,en
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. There's nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves",1,en
how warm is the inside of a tauntaun? lukewarm .,0,en
did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? he was always afraid he was following someone .,1,en
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone. it's time to recharge your phone,0,en
what do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail? i don't know but it would slow him down .,1,en
"what has a tongue , cannot walk , but gets around a lot? steven hawking",0,en
When the pope brags about the number of choir boys he's met Weird pontiflex but okay,0,en
Mexican word of the day: nascar Hey man that's a nascar. Where'd you get it,1,en
what do you get hanging from father christmas ' roof? tired arms !,0,en
I'll think of a good herb joke. When I have some thyme,0,en
What did the mouse say to the webcam? Cheese.,0,en
"Welcome to middle age, here's your card. You'll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again",0,en
ugh. new year's eve is just around the corner and i still haven't picked out which gang sign i'm going to hold up in photos,0,en
What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.,1,en
"I'm quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would've gone in an entirely different direction.",0,en
"if rivers could speak , which river would always say no? da nile",1,en
"Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?",1,en
"After watching Interstellar, I really want to buy a Lincoln.",1,en
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage,1,en
Britain will be just fine. you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup,1,en
How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend? www.AshleyMadison.com,0,en
"What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, ""Here, fill this out.""",1,en
"What did Paul McCartney say about the abortion? ""Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...""",1,en
I got cancer. or was it crabs? whats the picture look like?,0,en
what's the difference between children and isis? drones can't tell either,1,en
"A Japanese man observes his son scratching his knee. He comments, ""Itchy knee, son? "" The son replies, ""I already know how to count, Dad!""",1,en
What do you call a pessimistic pelican? A pelican't.,1,en
How do you get rid of unwanted vegetables You pull the plug,1,en
how long does it take to tune a double bass? nobody knows .,1,en
"""Spelt"" is a type of wheat. ""Spelled"" is what you just did incorrectly",1,en
"Hyper intelligent student Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. Teacher: India is on which continent? Boy: potato! He leaves for home then.",0,en
People keep complaining about 'Let it Go'. The song never bothered me anyway,1,en
what's the best rock to sleep on? bed rock,0,en
what's the difference between love and herpes? herpes lasts forever .,0,en
my coworker keeps showing me pics asking if i've seen her baby. i told her it's been two years and she's not going to find them,1,en
How did the Mongols get to Europe? Steppe by steppe.,1,en
i've got one for you . game of war . hardcore? maybe if you're my mom .,0,en
Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear.,1,en
did i ever post my alzheimer's joke? i don't remember,1,en
What's Queen Elsa's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe,0,en
"Floyd wasn't murdered! He put up a good fight against Paquiao for his age. If we are talkig about G. Floyd, yeah he was murdered, nothing to do about it.",0,en
Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer? He wanted to have webbed feet.,1,en
"My friend went bald five years ago, but he still carries a comb. He just can't part with it.",1,en
How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.,1,en
Wich is the only movement without any movement? The fat acceptance movement,1,en
You can block comment autobot! Just discovered it Thank me later!,0,en
What's the key to a Pirate Opera? The High Cs,0,en
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self. avoid good intentions at all costs,0,en
my father got crushed by a falling piano. his funeral was very low key,1,en
"I went to see Walt Disney on ice It was a bit disappointing, just an old bloke in a freezer.",0,en
"unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face .",1,en
I'm not the only Pokemon fan out there. There are Charmeleons of us,0,en
Have you seen www.amnesia.com? Sorry I just can't remember.,0,en
Do you know; what is the best thing to put on a delicious cake? Your MOUTH!,0,en
"We crush olives for olive oil, we crush walnuts for walnut oil and we crush sunflower seeds for sunflower oil So how do we make baby oil?",1,en
BLONDE AMBITION Q: What is every blonde's ambition? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.,0,en
how can you tell if someone is italian? they'll tell you .,1,en
Who has fistfights in person? Fight online in the comment section like a normal person.,0,en
what's another name for a dinosaur? a thesaurus .,1,en
How do dogs save for retirement? With a Ruff IRA.,1,en
"There was a school shooting at my school According to the police, only the shooter made it out alive.",1,en
What do Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes have in common ? Neither will ever get old. ,0,en
How is a Jew like a new pair of eyeglasses? They're both tight in the temples.,1,en
What did the flower say to the bicycle? Petal.,1,en
How do immigrant children communicate with their parents? Cell phones,1,en
"Roses are red, Violets are Blue. I have one mom, Kylie Jenner has two",0,en
How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant? Six... three on the back and three in the trunk!,0,en
"I thought, what if we could write every letter of the alphabet And mods answered, y not",0,en
What do you call a group of cars? A clutch !,1,en
Frodo and Sam are going to start a band. Called; Imagine Baggins,0,en
Why did Santa spend so much time in China last night He was picking up all the toys ,0,en
My Jewish friend asked me to go and get his grandma out of the car... I couldn't find her and he asked if I checked the ashtray.,0,en
"Did you hear about the physically disabled foetus? Don't worry, it was still born in the end",1,en
my daughter wanted me to be a mime for her birthday party. i was speechless,0,en
what did the man with dyslexia do while he was at the beach? sarah palin,0,en
"Elliot Ness, Cookie Monster, and John Locke start a law firm. Locke Ness Monster",0,en
What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.,1,en
Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home. I was shocked. ,1,en
"earth : goodnight moon moon : threedots earth : i said goodnight moon ' moon : threedots earth : look, i don't choose which days they celebrate moon : whatever",1,en
How do Kentucky Hillbillies find goats in the mountains? Down right Fantashtic I tell ya,1,en
What does a statistician call a defective butter substitute? A margarine of error!,1,en
where does bees wax come from? bees nuts !,1,en
"I would show you a Liszt of all the music jokes I know. But to be Franck, I don't think you could Handel them",1,en
"what did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "" supplies ! "" i'll see myself out",1,en
"If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you are. Independant",1,en
I've got a great joke about solipsism. But why should I tell you,0,en
"I'm unemployed, but now I can finally say I'm making six figures. although all of those figures are zeros",1,en
selfies? in my day we stared in a mirror and then felt ashamed .,1,en
"When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian... Nobody's laughing now.",0,en
dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. you are simply giving me more options just in case i am not feeling you,0,en
What is Victorias Secret? High prices,0,en
Then there was the guy who would break into song... whenever he couldn't find the right key.,0,en
Inflation is like the sun. It rises every day.,1,en
"What do eagles and moles have in common? They both fly, except for the mole...",1,en
"as someone who didn't win a lot of awards, i enjoyed going to the dentist it was one of the few times i was recognized by plaque",1,en
I think my sister wants to be a musician I found a pink microphone in her room,0,en
What is Meghan Trainor's favorite instrument? A double quarter pounder with cheese.,0,en
where does christopher keep his dance shoes? in the walken closet .,1,en
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.,0,en
Paul walkers new movie. The flat and the furious,0,en
"If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.",0,en
"For Sale: Parachute Never opened, slightly stained.",0,en
Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.,0,en
Whats the worst part about being a news reporter? The shootings,1,en
"recently, my grandfather told me his so glad that he is married threedots because he hated finishing his own sentences when he was single .",0,en
What did little Jonny have to say on the topic of meteorites? No comet.,1,en
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep... I think I'm being stakled!,0,en
What's the difference between children and ice cream I don't sell ice cream,1,en
How did Viking ships communicate? Norse code.,1,en
I just don't understand all these people eating tide pods. The Clorox ones are so much better,1,en
"beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful .",1,en
when do burgers quit their jobs? the day they decide to meat loaf !,1,en
what is the difference between a windows phone and a brick? one is a brick and the other is a brick with a screen,1,en
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick.,0,en
"Bruce Wayne needs to watch his salt intake, his sodium is through the roof.",1,en
imagine trying to explain captain america: civil war to abraham lincoln .,0,en
"it will be light . it will be dark . it will be light . it will be dark . it will be light . then i'm back . me, explaining a vacation to my cat .",0,en
"What do you call a smart knife? Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.",0,en
"me at five am : should i sleep for two hours or stay up me at now am : did my coworker just say "" email "" or "" bee jail "". what did the bee do",1,en
The Church is a glorified book club Facts don't hurt,1,en
where do hipsters swim? not in the mainstream,1,en
Did you know your kitchen faucet might raid your house? Let that sink in...,0,en
"if good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages .",0,en
"how many redditors does it take to send a letter? three . one to post it , and two to repost it .",0,en
"So Ramadan started the other night. I too like to celebrate. I like beef Ramadan noodles, but only use half the packet cause of the MSG.",1,en
"How do you say ""bra"" in German? Stopsemfromfloppin",1,en
"excuse me , miss , do you give head to strangers? no . well , then , allow me to introduce myself .",0,en
What's the difference between Cottage Cheese and Cream Cheese? I didn't cottage in my pants,1,en
"What did the Goat living in Manama say when it starting raining? ""BAAAHH RAIN!""",0,en
"That's a nicece ham you have there. Would be a shame if someone put a ""s"" at the start and a ""e"" at the end",1,en
falling asleep at work didn't get me in trouble. falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble,1,en
Why are programmers good husbands? Because they're good at commiting.,1,en
so i gave a blind guy a basketball. i think he's still trying to read it threedots,0,en
What is the opposite of Karen Carpenter and John Denver duo? Two Live Crew,1,en
My girlfriend wanted a dog so we got one. They've been going at it for far too long now,1,en
"all my friends are getting jobs , engaged , or married. i'm just getting more awesome",1,en
my girlfriend is from another nation. imagination,0,en
"Obligatory Light Bulb Do you know how many librarians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, but I know where you can look it up!",0,en
Why can't the bishop walk straight? Cause he can only move diagonally,0,en
Guess what I did to a book on this marvellous platform? I reddit ,0,en
do you know why will this joke melt? because it will be in the hot section threedots,0,en
why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones? he wanted to buy stock options .,1,en
"this morning i found out the terrible news about david bowie, he released a new album .",1,en
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water Who else would think of adding gas.,0,en
what's worse than dropping your ice cream? the holocaust .,1,en
how do you fix a broken tuba? with a tuba glue !,0,en
q : what do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? a : anything you want . he can't hear you .,0,en
"why did the male ghost get scared after the female ghost said "" boo ""? the male ghost wasn't ready for a committed relationship .",1,en
q : what cows give each other when they meet? a : a milkshake .,0,en
There are certain people who assume that I'm intelligent. These people aren't aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper,1,en
Thinking of getting a cat? Ease into it by sprinkling hair in your food for a couple of weeks.,0,en
What's the difference between a mining company and priests? A mining company puts miners in shafts.,1,en
"A physicist is sitting in a bar looking glum... ...so the bartender asks him ""Hey man, what's the matter? "" The physicist replies, ""Everything.""",1,en
"Nickelback walks into a bar. So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny",1,en
My three month old child is a lot like Jesus... He's been dead for three days.,0,en
What is as big as King Kong but doesn't weigh anything? King Kong's shadow.,0,en
Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented Theres no use getting married.,0,en
"if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "" i shouldn't be telling you this """,1,en
what's batman's least favourite album? a night at the opera .,0,en
What's the difference between grenfell and toast? People care when toast burns,1,en
why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? many hands make light work .,1,en
"Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt? I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.",1,en
"What do you do to turn off sexy Jenny? ""It may not be long, but it sure is skinny""",1,en
What does a man say when he gets cunnilungus from Amy Schumer? THAR SHE BLOWS!,0,en
"what is the difference between a fly and a mosquito? a mosquito can "" fly "" , but a fly can not "" mosquito "" .",1,en
Why I never go to the therapist A person asked me why I never to therapy. I told them to put a space between the e and the r,1,en
"my daughter asked me what it was like when i was a kid, so i took away all her electronics and made her play with a rubik's cube .",1,en
"A friend of mine is really into A Tribe Called Quest... ... I'd buy him an album, but I left my wallet in El Segundo.",1,en
The problem majoring in Electrical Engineering. is keeping up with Current Events,1,en
Q: Where does the catcher sit for dinner? A: Behind the plate.,0,en
Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.,0,en
"boy , are you a destination wedding? cuz i can't come .",0,en
what's the longest sentence in the english language? i do .,1,en
Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference!,1,en
I was going to write a joke. but I'm not that funny,0,en
"her : wasn't it fun cutting down our own christmas tree? me : yea , especially when that guy chased us out of his yard threedots",0,en
"I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter... I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.",0,en
"i hate grocery shopping . that's why i just steal a full cart when somebody turns away . i never know what i'm getting, but it sure is faster .",1,en
I used to play checkers with my dad but he would always beat me. Probably because I would always win at checkers,1,en
how do you end a prayer to the noodle god? ramen .,0,en
The new airpods pro are so good! I actually can't hear the kids in my basement.,0,en
"i helped a little old lady at the market today threedots she was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so i stood on her shoulders !",0,en
What's Fonzie's favorite indefinite article? Ehhhhhh!,0,en
i want to learn the finnish language. but i don't know where to start,1,en
What did the Oxen say to his son moving out? Bison,1,en
What is it called when Barry Allen commandeers a car. A Flash Drive.,1,en
Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!,1,en
"I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro...",0,en
"i figured out that if i have my kids hold on to my cell phone, i will never forget them anywhere again .",0,en
How does a fencer earn their karma? Ripostes.,1,en
what did the nsa agent say when the blizzard hit? looks like we're snowed in .,1,en
Where do blind sparrows go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter !,1,en
"Hey girl, are you an integral? Because I'd like to find the area under your curves",1,en
Me: We need to hire smarter people. HR: Why? Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this? HR,0,en
"What was the only award given out at the school graduation? ""Most accurate""",1,en
Did you ever hear the story about how the moose died? It's all a big moostery,1,en
what's the weather like in iraq? sunni in the north shiite in the south .,1,en
what do you call a baker who doesn't make bread? i don't dough !,1,en
men are like computers. hard to figure out and never enough memory,1,en
what do you call an empty field? the french army at the beginning of a war !,1,en
what did the aardvark say to noah? what do you mean you only brought two ants !,0,en
"i am completely obsessed with collecting magazines. what can i say , i have issues",1,en
how can you tell that the little mermaid is on her period? she's followed by sharks .,1,en
"When is a Pixie not a Pixie? When its head is up a Fairy's skirt, then it's a goblin.",1,en
"In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.",1,en
"Some say that the Mongols created the first iteration of the Ideal Gas Law. After all, they were pneumatic experts",1,en
"Did you hear about the dyslexic baker who advertised a job vacancy? He got no customers because his sign said, ""Looking for staff, a pie within.""",1,en
"the "" this is not an ' i disagree ' button "" doesn't work title. it's like people can't read that sentence",1,en
How do you call a jew fan of Kansas? Dust in the wind,1,en
What do you call it when an orphan hits a homerun? A run,1,en
What is the most famous shark? William Sharkspeare!,0,en
I think women should be free in society Paying is just so annoying and a real turn off for me,1,en
what animal is best at playing hide and seek? the airplane .,1,en
Give weeds an inch. And they'll take a yard,0,en
What did the Rei say to the Hachi? Nice obi!,0,en
"Ingredients for an apocalypse salad Edive, thyme",0,en
how did kim kardashian break the net? she sat on it .,0,en
What's the hardest part of a gardener's job? Getting to the root of the problem.,1,en
Which dinosaur was the hardest to find? ...the Steganosaurus! And do you know why? ...because it was encryptid,1,en
a hoe is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. everybody touches it but nobody wants it,1,en
a man named time was hit in the neck by a turn right only sign it was right in the neck of time,0,en
I hate when I'm trying to sleep at night But my ADHD's all like: One Sheep... Two Sheep... Cow... Chicken... Turtle... Ol' McDonald had a farm... Hey Macarena!!!,0,en
"If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.",1,en
instagram is down. please call me so i can describe my lunch to you,0,en
"If George Washington Carver became a teacher, what would his nickname be? The Nutty Professor",1,en
have you heard about betty the cow? she's outstanding in her field .,1,en
"Two back desk orchestral players go fishing And one falls out of the boat. He screams: ""help, I don't know how to swim!"" His partner replies: ""just fake it!""",1,en
Somebody told me an incredibly boring story about a sleeping frog It was not ribbiting,0,en
what did the dj order from the deli? a club sandwich with extra beets .,1,en
Did Someone pass some gas? Oh wait that's just my bowel cancer.,0,en
"What did the philosopher say to his coworker? ""Cleanup on the detergent aisle""",1,en
"I've discovered one key similarity between the Qur'an, Bible, and Torah. That being; they're all quite flammable.",1,en
Why doesn't germaphobes masterbate? Because they don't like all the germs that come with it.,1,en
"Why did the cellphone go to court? Because it was charged with battery. Thank you, I'll be here all night... Finals week needs to end.",0,en
We come to love not by finding a perfect person. but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly,1,en
"are you in a serious relationship with a rock? if you are , don't take it for granite",0,en
How do you know when relationship gets serious in California? They take you to meet their Tarot Card reader.,1,en
Why do some race drivers hate wet tracks? Because the water is a distraction.,1,en
I'll do you like I do my homework. For two minutes,0,en
"my computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing .",1,en
What type of public transportation do they have in Harlem Trees,1,en
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea? Chamomile,0,en
What holiday did the Grinch steal from the ghetto? Father's Day. ,0,en
"""He bat batly down the bat, but the bat turned bat before he got bat. "" Mad Libs with Batman is boring",0,en
what do tampons and renaissance art have in common? you get upset when your dog tears up either of them because they are period pieces .,1,en
"if you can't buy a person, you can always sell him .",0,en
"""First time caller, long time listener""Alexander Graham Bell",0,en
"I'm trying to remember what that soup is called, the kind with chicken and rice.... Oh yeah! Chinken Noodle",0,en
What do Jedi Knights say to encourage the use of analogies? Metaphors be with you,1,en
"Q: What's another name for the ""Intel Inside"" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.",0,en
"to the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket threedots you can hide, but you can't run",0,en
"I walked into a shop and saw a radio for sale because the volume was stuck on high... ...I thought, I can't turn this down!",0,en
how can you tell if your water is about to break? someone from flint puts a glass between your legs,1,en
what's the difference between me and christmas? my wife isn't disappointed when christmas comes early .,0,en
Why does the Pope only eat munchkins? Cause they're the holy part of the donut!,0,en
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road. She was cited for littering.,1,en
what kind of pop do you cook with? baking soda,1,en
"What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson? ""Etude, Brute?""",1,en
Only athletes will understand this It's a running joke.,1,en
what does a girl want more than anything? nothing . she is fine .,0,en
You ever been bad at splitting portions into thirds? I halve.,0,en
I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. Its shift work,1,en
love is that really warm feeling that starts from the tips of your fingers and goes towards the bottom of your hand. oh no wait that's glove,0,en
"what did the titanic say to the iceberg? "" okay , but just the tip . """,1,en
"when my first wife lost her credit card , i didn't report it. because whoever found it was spending less than she was",1,en
Why do we have summer break ? Coz sun's out guns out,0,en
Whats the differance between the locked comments and terrorist bombings? Numbers always go high in the death count.,1,en
I would love to buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle. But I can't afford all the shirts,1,en
Why do molluscs only think of themselves? Because they're shellfish,1,en
Why did Walt Disney visit a mechanic? He wanted to get his Car tuned,1,en
how do you win a small fortune in las vegas? by spending a large fortune .,1,en
what do you call a bible for the blind? the holy braille !,1,en
"I told my mom a abortion joke, and she said that's relatable for my sister I dont have a sister",0,en
"What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu? a flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.",1,en
what would happen if pigs could fly? bacon would go up !,1,en
What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!,1,en
"I have a car! I had a car, Untill i woke up",0,en
Q: What do kids like to eat in the playground? A: Recess Pieces.,0,en
What did the depressed teen say to the other depressed teen? Can you knot?,1,en
"CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan",0,en
"as a man, it's impossible to walk passed a punching bag and not hit it twice before walking away .",1,en
What do you call a lactating women with Parkinson Milk shake,1,en
My grandma has alzheimers... Every time she tries to take a trip down Memory Lane she gets road blocked.,0,en
"if captain america doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the america i want to live in .",0,en
Have you ever had a female horse escape from the stables into the forest in the late evening? It's a nightmare.,0,en
If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.,1,en
"women love to see the veins in a man's arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister",1,en
whats the difference between a park bench and an artist? a park bench can support a family of four .,0,en
BIRD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable,0,en
"An invisible bomb was just invented, what do you call it? A newclear bomb.",1,en
"we gave you nickelback and justin bieber . you responded with the kardashians and honey boo boo . well played america, well played",1,en
Why does Chuck Norris play cowbell? Because he beats time!,0,en
i love watching the wife sleep. not so much the husband,0,en
Stephen Hawkings has passed away. He accidentally pressed shut down instead of sleep.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone? A lot of crackling on the line !,0,en
autocorrect is like my girlfriend. it always changes what i said to something i didn't mean,1,en
I wanna be a tie Hung up somewhere on the end of a rough day,0,en
What do you get when you get in a fight with the Los Angeles Lakers lead point scorer? Kobe beef,1,en
Told an asthma patient a joke He laughed so hard he started gasping for air. ,1,en
"Settle down, Levi's commercial. You are talking about pants",1,en
"interviewer : tell me about your future plans. me : you mean , like , just tomorrow , or for , like , the whole weekend ?",1,en
"it doesn't matter if it's fight club or book club or some other kind of club, i guarantee i don't want to talk about it .",1,en
I just had a cheap plastic surgery and I'm not happy with it. Next time I'll pay for real metal scalpels.,1,en
Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services,1,en
My memory was the second thing to go. I can't remember what the first was,0,en
during which battle was lord nelson killed? his last one .,1,en
What is Nemo's favorite drink? Nemonade,0,en
"There is a order to the universe: space, time, and Chuck Norris. just kidding Chuck Norris is the first",0,en
"i don't understand bow ties. what , is your neck a gift ?",1,en
"i remember the first time i saw a universal remote control , and i thought to myself. "" well this changes everything """,1,en
"""Ow that dog just nipped at me"" PEE ON IT! ""No man NO STOP THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR EVERYTHING"" I'M HERE FOR YA BUDDY",0,en
"You guys hear about the plane crash about Dale Earnhardt Jr.? Man, they just really enjoy wrecks.",0,en
Everyone who wants to pick new moderators for this sub please read this. First go picking some cotton. ,0,en
"i do have a swimmers body, he's been in my trunk for days",1,en
Halloween was yesterday But I still see my uncle hanging from that tree,1,en
So they're making a Hulk body wash. You apply it with a Loofah Rigno,0,en
I put my Grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram,0,en
"The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice. Courtesy of Mary Poppins.",0,en
"I had a really long conversation with a feminist vegan key worker last night. Well, I listened",1,en
Difference between a cow and the holocaust A cow can only be milked for a finite time.,1,en
"That awkward moment when it's not actually awkward, but just sort of a general observation about everyday life.",1,en
"When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.",1,en
Why did the sasquatch go on a diet? He didn't want to be Obeast.,1,en
Read this now ... ... and achieve nothing,0,en
What did Amy Winehouse do when her producer said he didn't like her new tracks? She put on a long sleeve shirt.,1,en
My great great grandfather died at Custer's last stand? He didn't die fighting he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.,0,en
did you know that its illegal for someone living next to a cemetery to be buried there? that would be called murder .,0,en
what's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose? one is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny,0,en
Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow? Because it was Chewy,0,en
"Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler",0,en
Africa has coronavirus they have everything Apart from water,1,en
"Getting straight ""A""s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting ""A""s doesn't preclude it.",1,en
what does an accountant use for birth control? his personality .,1,en
How do you get someone's hand out a mixer? With a straw!,0,en
"what did the girl on her period say when she got caught? "" you caught me red handed ! """,1,en
"I like my women like I like my third games in a series by Valve. I think they're gonna be great, but they never seem to come",1,en
Amusing roller skating falls collection. That's very interesting and amusing video,0,en
"You know what they say, if you can't take the heat... Auschwitz probably isn't the place for you.",0,en
"A man walks into a library and says ""You got any books on floors?"" The librarian says ""Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else"".",1,en
"I don't get why everyone is so mad An invention of such appliance should be part of our history. Else, who gonna wash the dishes?",1,en
Where do you find a joke? You look at me and my life...,0,en
"i was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so i ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen",1,en
"In Avicii's song 'The Days', he sings: ""We made a promise to never get old"" At least he was a man of his word.",1,en
what did steven hawking say when he first got his wheelchair? i can't stand being in this,1,en
what did the momma hawk say to her chicks? quit falcon around or get the flock outta here !,0,en
Whats the difference between my girlfriend and depression I can't seem to beat depression,0,en
I joined a chinese life simulator game for vr The servers were full,1,en
What tense do Italians speak in? Pasta continuous.,1,en
how many bears could bear grylls grill if bear grylls could grill bears? seven .,0,en
i just got these awesome red shoes but there is an issue with them. they have no soles,0,en
What is Aladdin's favorite Pokemon? Magikarp. So he can take Jasmine to a Magikarpet Ride.,0,en
What's an annoying object which becomes more annoying with time? Karen,0,en
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure.,0,en
"when facebook moms post how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "" no way ! i thought for sure he'd be held back ! """,1,en
"I'm working on a Star Wars Kama Sutra book. I don't have all the positions down quite yet, but I have mastered the Hand Solo",1,en
I tried to make a funny bukkake joke but... It just kept getting all over the place,0,en
how does google celebrate its birthday? with a search party .,0,en
"My girlfriend got a dog, ""Missy. "" She messes inside a lot though, especially if I show too much attention to the dog",1,en
I wanted to tell a cashier joke. But I didn't think it would register.,1,en
What is the one type of person that will never get angry? A nomad.,1,en
"critics say botox is too expensive threedots threedots but i spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised .",0,en
"Girl, are you organized? Because I want to get on your ToDo list!",0,en
""" boy , when i was your age i used to walk fifteen miles to school. "" "" oh , is that why you didn't graduate """,0,en
Euthanasia should be performed by chefs instead of doctors They're good at chopping vegetables,1,en
Why did Harry Potter's friends pick him up and pass him around on his birthday? They were playing pass the Parseltongue.,1,en
I've got a new pet salamander. I named it Tiny because it is my newt,1,en
"What town in the continental United States produces the most alligator pears per year? Avo, CA does.",1,en
"I was bored, so I came to this subreddit... I also decided to come to this subreddit to.",0,en
how many nuns are there in a temple? nun .,1,en
What's Adam Sandler's favorite salsa? Medium Pace,0,en
"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar. A practice that still continues",1,en
What do you call an overused tyre? Tyred.,1,en
I love rock and roll so put another dime in the juke box baby. then add ninety more cents to play one song,0,en
relationship status: i just found a piece of chicken in my hair . i ate it . then looked for more .,1,en
how bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail? they exchange cell numbers .,1,en
I got an iPad from my chinese friend. I love homemade gifts,0,en
"if every day is a gift , i'd like a receipt for monday. i want to exchange it for another friday",0,en
I got hit by a can of coke. Good thing it was a soft drink,1,en
"Just found this sub the other day and I've come to this realization. Currently, this subreddit seems to be in quite the pickle",0,en
what did the wise man say to the science class? many photons make light work .,1,en
What do you call a person who mistakes schools for shooting ranges? An american,1,en
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man. so that I can get a better girlfriend,0,en
What does an octopus have ten of? Tickles...,1,en
I can't remember whether I threw a boomerang or not. It'll come back to me,1,en
What does a blind person do when their favorite song comes on? Dancing in the Dark,1,en
"Today I asked my mute friend if my jokes were bad She said nothing, but the silence was deafening ",1,en
"No, no, I didn't need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music",0,en
""" you only want my daughter for one thing! "" yelled my girlfriend's mother . "" that's your fault for not teaching her to cook , "" i said .",0,en
"So, I saw the movie Still Alice last night. It's easily forgettable",0,en
"My answering machine message: ""I have caller ID, please don't leave a message, I will not be returning your call. "" No beep, just a foghorn",0,en
"did you hear? the invisible man and the invisible woman just had a son . in all honesty , he's not much to look at",1,en
"I don't need a hot tub, I prefer for a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job.",1,en
"I may not be as smart as Stephen Hawking But if someone challenge me to a running races, at least I'll accept it.",1,en
Fun fact about suicidal thoughts It can get you a pilot job in the middle east,1,en
"That Mona Lisa. She's no oil painting, is she",0,en
"Five American states that vaguely resemble Indian cuisine when spelled backwards: Aksala, Nogero, Sasnakra, Ohadi, Hatu.",1,en
What is the difference between an American and a computer? The American doesn't have trouble shooting.,1,en
eating just one animal cracker is impossible. the entire herd must go,1,en
why do the elephants have short tails? because they can't remember long stories !,1,en
"what did the male elephant say to his buddy when a female elephant passed by? "" thirty six thousand , twenty four thousand , thirty six thousand , wow ! """,1,en
"I bumped into my old English teacher. He said, ""What's new? "" I said, ""It's an adjective.""",1,en
"Q: Why do ducks look so sad? A: Because when they preen their feathers, they look down in the mouth.",0,en
what comes after z? a question mark .,0,en
"To determine how safe a neighborhood is, divide the number of white women carrying yoga mats by the number of signs saying 'Checks Cashed'",1,en
I was going to tell the joke about the scarecrow. but I think it has already been posted,0,en
"What did the wheat say to the man with the scythe? ""I yield!""",1,en
What do you call the famous astronomer whose observations were the foundation of Kelper's great works. Typo Brahe,1,en
How do epileptics greet people? They shake.,1,en
Do you miss xxxtencation? The bullet didn't,0,en
"I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise... ... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.",1,en
"ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man .",0,en
What has only one arm and can't swim? An excavator.,1,en
"my neighbors wifi isn't working. do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it , or should i go let them know ?",0,en
"What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect? ""Where were you on the night of September to March?""",1,en
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital,1,en
what charity has peta beat in terms of death rate? the make a wish foundation .,1,en
"What's the American education system's slogan? ""Great targets and shooting ranges!""",1,en
why do so many people like harry potter? it's a charming story .,1,en
My little sister says she's a frozen fan But she keeps screaming LET ME GO instead of let it go...,0,en
What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.,1,en
Social experiment Let's see how many comments this can get before this post gets locked,0,en
Reminder that Anyone who locks a post in this sub can't comment on any other posts in this sub,0,en
Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They're still gone and that was weird advice.,0,en
Who's the most famous chair tester? Mike Easter,0,en
"Carl: So hot today. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs. Me: Fair enough.",1,en
"I got a dog, since then, time's passed Man, I miss my cat alot, Wish he was still here...",0,en
"In my office, I tried pushing the envelope. But it's still stationery",1,en
"I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax. If you can't come, let me know",1,en
I like my children how I like my lights Hung from the ceiling,1,en
What does B in Automods stand for? Brain!,0,en
"Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one",1,en
What's the difference between reddit and resturant? Restaurants have better servers.,1,en
What do you call a group of men whose wives are cheating on them? The army.,1,en
Who knows how to sing Mariah Carey songs? Not Mariah Carey,0,en
if i had to eat a person i guess i would prefer a vegetarian. i like irony and prefer grass fed beef,1,en
If my third grade teacher hasn't taught me that little rhyme about spelling. I'd still be spelling cieling and nieghbor wrong,1,en
how to get out of any jam. switch to jelly,0,en
"Who were the Tallest Man in the World's roll models? Nobody, he had no one to look up to.",1,en
A Church threw a Celibacy Party. Nobody came,1,en
why did the teacher put the lights on? because the class was so dim !,0,en
What spice can't be in sol food? Ginger.,0,en
Ohhh The thing i tell to my eskimo brother is,0,en
What's the similarity between the priest and truth Both come in children's mouth,0,en
"really threw me off this kid started throwing out words that started with th. i got through this , there , and they but i didn't see that coming",0,en
i wanted to be a tailor. but i didn't suit the job,1,en
What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's? The Iforgotto,1,en
"Jokes about white sugar are rare. but brown sugar, Demerara",1,en
"a wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary .",1,en
"MRW a replacement professor enters the wrong class Oops, wrong sub.",0,en
it's not that i accept the terms and conditions. it's just that i would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them,0,en
"alright . it's sunday . another breaking bad . or if you don't watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets .",0,en
"I was going to write a joke about Kim kardashian's orifices, but they've all been done.",1,en
Most companies try to make new cutting edge technologies. Samsung goes for the burning strategy,1,en
How can a girl make you a millionnaire? If you're already a billionnaire.,0,en
"Black or White by Michael Jackson is such a good song Yeah, that's about it. Come at me, automod.",0,en
"i once bought a llama to surprise my girlfriend threedots "" a llama? "" "" no , surprise her . """,0,en
"it's hard to argue with a spear i mean, it's got a point .",1,en
"if you can make a woman laugh , you're almost there. if you're almost there and then she laughs , that's a different thing",1,en
you know what's better than being married? everything .,0,en
Why did the rope get put in timeout? Because he was very knotty.,0,en
what's better than a violin on your bed? a fiddle between the sheets,0,en
What do you call a tired skeleton? The Grim Sleeper,1,en
"What does an Asian person say when asked, ""does the carpet match the drapes? "" I don't have a carpet; I have an Oriental rug.",1,en
my relationship status: waiting for a miracle .,1,en
hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow? it was terror bull .,0,en
"Cottonballs is a great example of something I would buy but not want as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, however... Credit Dymitri Martin.",1,en
"Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly? Dentis: ""Not always the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist",1,en
"If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.",0,en
"I went out for a pelican curry last night. It was really nice, but the bill was enormous",1,en
What do ducks like to eat with their soup? ........Quackers,1,en
teacher : where is the english channel? pupil : i don't know my tv doesn't pick it up,1,en
"don't worry , men. women can't tell women to calm down either",1,en
whats the difference in fast n furious and walking dead? there's no Walker in Fast and Furious .......RIP Paul,0,en
"Halloween Joke Thread Share your best Halloween jokes here, reposts and all. Maybe this will help with the sub being overrun with the same thing?",0,en
"at this wedding , the dj played the black eyed peas , everyone left the dance floor. i like these people",1,en
"twitter: bc in real life smart , funny , beautiful women are not following us anywhere .",0,en
Last night I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings. When I woke up my wife said I had been Tolkien in my sleep,1,en
"Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. ""Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost? "" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!",0,en
Movie Idea: Michael Cera falls down a spiral staircase then pets a cat.,0,en
If you eat enough ice cream your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird,0,en
"at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations",0,en
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated,1,en
What was the Mathematician's Favorite Johnny Depp Movie? 's of the Carribean.,0,en
I asked my crush out the other day She asked how I got into her kindergarten,1,en
why did the little girl bury her flashlight? her batteries were dead .,0,en
Where do bros go for spring break? Gainzville.,1,en
I'm home alone eating donuts and listening to Journey. I think I can stop believin' now,0,en
It's bring your pet to school day I brought my desert eagle,0,en
"True love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what is inside. the wallet",1,en
"My son sold his friend to zombies Zombie head asked ""Why did you let us eat him?"" Son said, ""My dad never let me take junk food"".",1,en
why was thor unable to get any sleep? he was up all night to get loki,0,en
Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire? A.It doesn't want to become a hot dog.,0,en
Have you seen the new documentary about rednecks? I've only seen the trailer.,1,en
"I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig. Maybe not a funny joke but at least it is deep",1,en
What do you call an Egyptian spine adjuster? A Cairopractor,1,en
Help! I was in Chipotle and a Vampire Weekend song came on and now I'm a Toms shoe,0,en
"I sponsor one of those poor kids on TV. He sends me nice letters, I mail him pictures of me smiling, throwing away food",0,en
"what happens when you play a country song backwards? you get your truck back , you get your house back , you get your girl back , and you get your dog back .",1,en
"Man, my classmate is so hot. I'm homeschooled.",1,en
"It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely",1,en
"so, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore threedots threedots i'm not really sure how i feel about it",0,en
"my wife said , "" if you could change one thing about me , what would it be? "" i said , "" your husband . """,1,en
why do credit cards not work in france? they don't understand the concept of charging .,1,en
Australia cant get the coronavirus because.. They have a firewall.,0,en
i've removed swim with dolphins from my bucket list. mainly cos i can't swim and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal,1,en
There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks. You can say I was Schwepped away by it.,0,en
there is an animal a dog is always trying to find. wolf threedots wolf threedots wolf threedots,0,en
What's the similarity between Women and Cancer? Both hit back at you once you beat them,1,en
My doctor said my cervix is perfect. I'm still blushing,1,en
"What happened to Wendy from Wendy's? ""The Baconator""",0,en
Ya know? You're like a blister... you only turn up once all the hard work is done.,0,en
What do you do with a German art student fail them cause maybe in a couple years the gas bill will go down,1,en
What is Julian Assange's favorite vegetable? WikiLeeks.,0,en
cw : my wedding is going to be expensive! me : wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you,0,en
Q: How did a blind man drive his car? A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.,0,en
I take my wife out everywhere. except that she keeps coming back,0,en
what's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist? by selling your guitar .,1,en
"Girlfriend's mascara died and I gave it a funeral, you know what they say. Lashes to lashes and dust to dust",0,en
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take,1,en
"What did the celebrity say to the tabloid? ""You discussed me!""",1,en
"I started a company.. ...with my wife. Then my sister in law joined us, now it's a crowd.",1,en
why is jesus so rich? because jesus saves .,1,en
my dad installed new led bulbs in his home. i started seeing him in a new light after that,1,en
"There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones, But alas it twas in vein.",0,en
"pregnant cashier : have a great day me : thanks, have a great baby",0,en
The punchline might tie in perfectly with the joke. or it might knot,1,en
"What did the Shepard say when he saw the sheep? ""I herd that!""",1,en
What's the most prominent religion in Canada? Jemima's Witnesses.,1,en
What did Beethoven the dog shed in a moment of genius? Fur Elise,0,en
What's grey and looks great on firemen? The World Trade Center.,0,en
what did the guy who liked mustard say when he opened his fridge and saw no mustard? you mustard be joking !,0,en
What's the best thing about the US economy being so bad? No telemarketers.,1,en
What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.,1,en
I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger... It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage,1,en
My uncle is a prize fighter He broke his hands fighting a washer dryer on the price is right.,0,en
"q . why do blondes smile when it's lightning? a . because , they think they are having their picture taken .",0,en
"What do you call an outdated joke that, while sharp, has little potential for laughs? I used to know, but then I took an arrow to the knee",1,en
What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving? For me it's three weeks.,0,en
You hear about the incredulous Japanese man who didn't cry at his own father's funeral? Poor guy couldn't bereave it.,0,en
"Sometimes I see a post and think "" good. its your own fault""",1,en
what do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? winnie the pooh !,0,en
"Obviously chocolate was created for women It's called HERshey, not HISshey",0,en
What do you call the process of a robot clearing its artificial nose? An olfactory reset.,1,en
what's green and sings? elvis parsley .,0,en
My Version Of Flirting! My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they're braver than I am.,1,en
what's the worst part about driving ford off a cliff? ford was my best friend .,1,en
what do justin bieber and pinocchio have in common? both want to be real boys,1,en
"Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too",1,en
Can someone maybe explain whats wrong with the boys here? I really want to know they annoy me,0,en
Tomorrow I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!,0,en
a hotel just offered me a job making beds. i think i'll turn them down,1,en
I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward,1,en
"Mommy how does the dress look? Great, honey. It covers the entire wheelchair!",0,en
I can eat meat from Austrailian raw. Because it is already roatsted.,1,en
a texas woman found a snake head in a bag of green beans. meaning someone will be finding a bean in their bag of snake heads,1,en
Miracles do happen even on Facebook and Twitter. Come Sunday and suddenly everyone becomes a preacher,0,en
While the restaurant does get orders for undercooked steak... it's pretty rare.,1,en
"if i were a farmer , how would i measure my height? from my head , tomatoes . hope no one has heard this before , thought of it while driving .",1,en
Priests have been complaining about confession booths just like they have been complaining about children in the church they're a tight fit,1,en
my mom always said to wash the food before eating it she was a great woman. not so her sandwiches,1,en
"a woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe . ' just lost a shoe? ' she asked . he answered , ' nope , just found one ' .",1,en
Interviewer : Why Should We Hire you ? Me : Because you are Hiring ......,1,en
What's the opposite of shell shock? Shell expectation,1,en
What shoes do roosters wear? Chickenstocks,1,en
"A telemarketer called and said,""can I speak with the man of the house. "" I replied, ""sure"" and gave the phone to the cat",1,en
"What's the difference between pickled ginger and a pressure washer? One is a palate cleanser, the other is a pallet cleanser.",1,en
You may have a major in Maths But I have a minor in bed.,1,en
Who do you call when you need a dock fixed? A docktor.,1,en
"Who said ""Shiver me timbers!"" on the ghost ship? The skeleton crew.",1,en
I had to neuter my dog today. his name was Bruce but now I call him Caitlyn,0,en
"What is a Minnesotan's favorite state to vacation in? It's Alaska, don'Juneau.",0,en
What do Classical musicians do when they die? They decompose.,1,en
"In the Garden of Eden, Eve wore a fig leaf. Do you know what Adam wore? A hole in it.",0,en
Robot Nerves Why are robots never afraid? Because they have nerves of steel,1,en
"I used to be addicted to the ""Hokey Pokey"" song, I couldn't stop listening to it again and again and again. But I turned myself around",1,en
Total Eclipse Today I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eyes,1,en
I would've told you a joke about infinity... But I don't think there's an end to it.,0,en
"""Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write? "" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.",1,en
Congrats to LeBron James... for now becoming the greatest Laker alive!,0,en
What do Mediterranean volcanoes make for dessert? bakLAVA,1,en
"What's the difference between going in and going out of prisons? Once you get out, one hole is wider than before.",1,en
What was the statistician's fetish? Let's just say he had the standard deviation.,1,en
How can you tell when it's a cold day in Juarez? Everyone is having brrritos for lunch. ,1,en
"I only date right handed women. Righty tighty, lefty loosey",0,en
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag,0,en
"if two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are .",0,en
My mom said I'm special. She also said that the small bus is waiting for me.,1,en
Do you think it's possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it's spikes? I'm giving a dinner party.,1,en
Kelloggs is introducing a new Game of Thrones inspired breakfast cereal. Oberyn Crunch,1,en
"I asked a city dweller ""Do you know where the post office is? "" He said, ""Yes,"" and kept right on walking.",1,en
"them : hey , i haven't seen you for a while. me : as planned",0,en
q : chief running water had two sons . what were their names? a : hot and cold .,0,en
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils,1,en
You know what my favorite flavor Jewish cheese is? Smoked cheese.,0,en
"my new job i told my wife i had a new job in a bowling alley . she said ' ten pin? ' i said ' no , it's permanent '",1,en
What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!,0,en
What's the Cincinnati Zoo's least favorite rap group? Gorillaz,1,en
"For Burt Reynolds, the longest yard Is actually six feet under.",1,en
Why did the french chef go to the police? Escargot stolen.,1,en
where do you eat toaster waffles on the beach? san diego !,0,en
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony. ,1,en
Who came after Augustus? Septembrus,1,en
What does a texas church need? Pew! Pew!,0,en
All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic. Why can't I find a happy medium?,1,en
What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? To switch off the lights.,0,en
where do cars get the most flat tires? where there is a fork in the road .,1,en
Why Somalia has zero corona cases? Those who had the symptoms already died of starvation.,1,en
"your eyes are like the stars not because their beautiful, but because their so far apart",0,en
"just so we're all clear: nasa is getting a direct feed from a robot on mars , but i still can't make a cell phone call from my basement .",1,en
Home alone Q; Have you ever been caught jacking off in the closet A; No A; good hiding place isn't it,0,en
"Too soon? If Kobe were to teach students, how would he start off? By conducting a crash course",1,en
"things i hate: slow internet connection and monday , tuesday , wednesday , thursday and half of friday .",0,en
What does a bee from Asia do? Nepallinates flowers.,1,en
"as soon as i can go a full year without losing a pair of sunglasses, then maybe i'll be ready to take care of a kid .",1,en
"To the first person who took their picture with their phone at the bathroom mirror, you are a pioneer. We salute you",1,en
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you're unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds,1,en
I just couldn't stop watching the video about mechanically joining metal. It was riveting,1,en
what is the hamburgers ' most familiar song? ' home on the range ' !,1,en
It's nice to see women who don't lose their figures as they grow older. They take such a long time to paint and Warhammer is expensive enough as it is,1,en
"where's the middle of nowhere? it's three letters in . "" h "" .",0,en
why did the crowd riot at the nickelback concert? because they didn't get their nickel back .,1,en
"If a woman asks if you ""notice anything new"" tell her ""I do, your beauty surprises me every day. "" Then continue thinking about velociraptors",1,en
"The French word for shoe insole is semelle, which they often do.",1,en
you know why i don't have a spine? the french needed it .,0,en
This subreddit. Joke is in the title,1,en
"Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market",1,en
I like my children like I like my coffee Ground up and put in the freezer,0,en
there is a nudist convention on in town next week. i might go if i have nothing on,1,en
what do you call someone who's not otherkin? an orphan,1,en
fellas: make it a valentine's day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it .,0,en
"""Did you get a haircut? "" ""No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible...""",0,en
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork,1,en
"hey journey , i stopped believing. what now ?",0,en
knock knock who's there ? cows! cows who ? cows go ' moo ' not who,0,en
When i was your age on Christmas... You had to wake up with a hard on to have something to play with.,0,en
who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony? the guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts .,1,en
"it must be confusing working at a mint when a power outage happens. because when it happens, everything stops making cents",1,en
Why do butter substitutes have such a hard time? Because they're always being marginalized!,1,en
"Me: Just a glass of water Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of... yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I'll bring it",0,en
i've finally stopped drinking for good. and i've started drinking for evil,0,en
"Date: So, what are you passionate about? Me: Haha, have you heard of gravy",0,en
"as a ginger person, i find tanning to be easy i just go sit underneath the full moon .",1,en
Q. Why did the boy need a ladder? A. To go to high school. Q. Why did the girl need a ladder? A. To dust the roof.,0,en
How does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? ... Eats his first Brownie!,1,en
"everything is easier said than done. except for talking , that's about the same",1,en
While standing in the queue looking at my phone. I'm online online,0,en
Why do we call lady parts beavers? Because they devour wood.,1,en
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad? Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !,0,en
"if you're looking for candy corn, look no further than my trash can .",0,en
What is Somailias national dish? An empty plate,1,en
what do you call a store that sells terribly made nun appeal? the bad habit .,1,en
"father , i want a bicycle threedots why you need that? you already have a wheelchair .",0,en
What does my computer and Kobe have in common? It both crashed,0,en
did you hear about the indian guy who opened up a grocery store? he called i new deli .,0,en
What is a mathematicians favorite Eagles song? Take it to the limit. RIP Glenn Frey,0,en
What is a gathering of octopus called? Octoposse,0,en
what is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle? the road .,1,en
what do pirates have in common with photons? they both travel at c,1,en
What is the direct competitor for Dungeons and Dragons? Helmets and Spades. Tee hee.,0,en
What do you call the Scottish dentist? Phil McCavity !,1,en
Just found out my girlfriend is pregnant. Can't wait to find out if we're having a boy or an abortion.,0,en
Did you hear about the opera singing monk? He took a vow of Pavarotti.,1,en
The Mystery Machine...  It's a van. Mystery solved.,0,en
Why did two Ralph Lauren employees get into a fight? They were Polo opposites,1,en
do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? well why not book a skiing holiday,0,en
Who took in most refugess? The Mediterranian Sea.,1,en
How Did Norse Marsupials Write Their Sagas? In Kangarunes.,1,en
I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers. ,1,en
Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander? A: It's too little to be out alone.,0,en
Why was the resistor fired from his job of leading the orchestra? He was a terrible conductor.,1,en
"What does the ""p"" in lgbtqp stand for? 'People who probably don't matter either'",1,en
So I heard Robin Williams' new stand up failed. It was a little shaky at first but he really choked in the end,1,en
What's the difference between a Priest and TSA? TSA touches you faster.,0,en
"My costume budget is pretty slim, so I'm going as 'disinterested millennial' for Halloween this year.",1,en
"life is like a cup of coffee threedots no matter how much sugar you put in it, there's always grounds at the end .",0,en
"What did Oliver Twist say at the slave auction? Please sir, I want some moors.",0,en
"""I have to go eat cake now"", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.",1,en
Dentist I had a dream that I went to the dentist and when I woke up I had a toothache. I told my wife about it and she said that it was coincidental. ,1,en
"what is the definition of "" moon ""? the past tense of "" moo "" !",1,en
"What did Iron Man say when War Machine asked to come with him to the future? Rhodes? Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.",1,en
What's the best way to search a linen store? Undercover.,1,en
"When ""Tickle Me Elmo"" was a big deal, there had to be a quality assurance department. Imagine, a whole group of people whose job was to test tickles",1,en
How can you identify a French Infantryman? Sunburned armpits.,1,en
a guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs. in fact he was stumped,1,en
what about the man with nobody and no nose? nobody knows threedots,0,en
why did the dog go into the water? because he didn't want to be a hot dog .,0,en
"if a dog ran away every three nights and had an orange tail , what would that make it? i think it would still be a dog threedots",0,en
"Chuck Norris is so strong, he can role a bowling ball up stairs. without touching it",1,en
why does light travel faster than sound? because some people appear bright until you hear them speak .,1,en
"me : the salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread ? waiter : so a sandwich ? me : i'd prefer if we called it a salad",1,en
What do you call glasses that make you look wise? Respectacles,1,en
"man : your place or mine? women : both , you go to yours and i'll go to mine .",0,en
What do you call a Jewish man who has just had his vaccination? Auchwistic.,1,en
"a friend told me there's a place like twitter called "" outside "" where people favorite each other by making eye contact and smiling. unfollow",0,en
my bread factory burned down. now my business is toast,1,en
What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for? Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best.,1,en
TIFU in a hot air balloon. It was amazing,0,en
i tried to learn how to play the drums. but i'm just a beat off,1,en
"Ladies call me ""the turkey sandwich"" because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.",1,en
Shakespeare was a good sport. He ended all his sonnets with gg,1,en
My heart is like an onion. I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again,1,en
"Men are like floors. Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them",0,en
"Broke Up with my girlfriend today It's now shattered, so we'll watch something else tonight",0,en
Pancake Day. Has has really creped up on me this year,0,en
I spilled coffee on my laptop. now it won't go into sleep mode,0,en
I've got a book coming out soon Shouldn't have eaten it really,0,en
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No I was playing throw with her!,1,en
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. Librarian: They're right behind you!,0,en
I read a magazine article about a population increase in Hawaii. The author was Commonawannalaya,1,en
Why did the kid move out Because he's been haunted for years by the memory of that hellish night he spent with his uncle,1,en
How do you know George Floyd was a Starwars fan? The force was with him.,1,en
How do you say 'The Torah' in German? Kindling.,1,en
I've tried dating websites. But no priest will a marry man and HTML,0,en
i heard apple is trying to develop a new car. but they're having trouble installing windows,0,en
what's your favorite thing about earth? it's just got such a great atmosphere .,1,en
What is a downies favourite song? Hot potato. Hot potato.,0,en
Why is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? They both die in tunnels,0,en
"teacher : "" can anybody give an example of coincidence? "" johnny : "" sir my mother and father got married on the same day same time . """,1,en
"pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl .",0,en
"If you hold a SUV up to your ear, you can almost hear the sound of the ocean screaming.",1,en
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line? eFISHancy!,0,en
"why are there no female serial killers? because after the first kill , they have to tell someone .",1,en
There's a line of underwear specially made for skeletons. It's called the VerteBra,1,en
What did the farmer say when he found dynamite in one of his cows? This is a bomb in a bull.,1,en
Don't worry Jennifer Lawrence. Every icloud has a silver linings,0,en
"Dad: Whadya got there son? Son: Soy milk. Dad: Hola milk, soy tu padre.",0,en
psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. that is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings,1,en
i've been sitting at this computer for hours and i haven't seen a single website. that's because you're supposed to sit facing the screen,0,en
What does a sandal do on Sunday's? It saves its sole.,1,en
How does Kanye make Kim Kardashian's eyes twinkle? He shines a flashlight in her ear.,1,en
what is empty and spins round and round? a malaysian airlines baggage claim .,1,en
"blood is thicker than water . maple syrup is thicker than blood . so pancakes are more important than family . there, i said it .",1,en
q : what's the shortest book ever written? a : french war heroes .,0,en
Who did E.coli call after it lost a fight in school? Broccoli,0,en
Why did the bumble bee have sticky fur? Because he used a honey comb.,1,en
What is the Great Saiyaman's favorite Adam Sandler movie? You Don't Mess with the Gohan,1,en
"Wife asks his husband how many women he had slept with... Husband proudly replies, ""Only you darling! "" ""With the others I was awake...""",1,en
Why do orphans have such a good sense of humor? It never hits too close to home,1,en
"What does a school shooter say when summer is almost over I'm kinda ""pumped"" to go back to school",1,en
What do you call war fought with bees? ...Beeological Warfare,1,en
"If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today. The solar system would need more planets for the title",1,en
"Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great? Its been renamed to The View, however...",0,en
What do you call friendship between punctuation? Commaraderie,0,en
How do you add up a mountain? You summit.,0,en
A Frenchman can't always win... They have Toulouse.,1,en
"as an american, the moment i stop feeling full is the perfect time for a light snack . or maybe a whole cheesecake or dozen donuts . whatever .",1,en
"The real fight of the century was between, Jamie Foxx and the national anthem",1,en
What do you call a blad man with dandruff? A Snowglobe!,0,en
"I missed the first day of Fight Club But the second day was really enjoyable, I would recommend it.",0,en
"if you're going to insist i get you a wedding gift, then i'm going to insist you bail me out when i get caught shoplifting it .",0,en
"since you guys like clean jokes, here is one .",0,en
"I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said ""a tent of lovers."" I wasn't really listening.",1,en
"I'm disappointed to see that a lot of women are using ""period tracker apps"" now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.",1,en
Why did King Kong.... Climb the Empire State Building? ...He couldn't fit in the elevator.,0,en
"if you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as i set it .",0,en
What is the best thing about elevator jokes. They work on so many levels,1,en
Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants. Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness,0,en
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every cabin,0,en
Congratulations USA Zero school shootings so far this year.,0,en
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!,0,en
"Please ignore this status. I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting",0,en
What did the clam say when a crab attacked him? Kelp!,0,en
How do you confuse a heterosexual person? Eleven,1,en
How do you pay a quiz master? with finances.,1,en
What did the Pilipino orphan boy say to the linguist who wanted to adopt him? I'll tagalog!,1,en
"A crow once made plans to hang out with me, but he never showed up... ... because he got arrested for attempted murder.",1,en
"You hear about the kids book that explains the Big Bang and Big Crunch to children? ""One Shift, Two Shift, Red Shift, Blue Shift."" By Doppler Seuss.",0,en
"I don't attend funerals, even if I was close with the deceased. I'm just not a mourning person",1,en
"I told my wife to buy some Dove soap. She said, I never knew they were so clean.",1,en
"Hear about the first Polish Olympic gold medalist? He was so proud, he had his medal bronzed.",1,en
"After the tsunamis in Japan a while back, my Japanese girlfriend dumped me. It's okay though, there were plenty more in the sea",1,en
"Conversation with my Dad. Me: ""The teacher was talking about strangling a student today! "" Dad:""She was probably just choking.""",1,en
So pokemon go is now just as popular as tinder. Both are apps where you swipe to find monsters in your area,0,en
They ALWAYS do reverse cowgirl in Alabama. How else are both of them going to watch NASCAR?,1,en
What's the difference between a dog and a cyclist? When you run over a dog you don't have to go back and get the GoPro.,1,en
what does a bald elephant wear for a toupee? a sheep .,1,en
"doctor : you have two months to live . patient : but doctor , i won't be able to pay your bill in that time! doctor : ok , you have three months to live .",0,en
Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation? He needed some time to himself to decompose.,0,en
Why did Suzie fall down the stairs? I pushed her,0,en
"Why does superman have balls of steel? I wouldn't know, i don't know the canon that well",1,en
How did one tire get the attention of another tire? pssssssssssst,0,en
Kids are like milk cartons In Alabama you can fill both of them up with white stuff,1,en
Whats Long and White? The starbucks line,0,en
"What do liberal arts majors yell when overwhelmed? Oh,the humanities!",1,en
"my wife just told me she's pregnant. god , i hope it's not mine",0,en
"i have a time machine for sale. if interested , call me two weeks ago",0,en
"how do you know the toothbrush was made in france? anywhere else it would've been the "" teethbrush """,1,en
"Today, a nintendo factory was burnt to the ground. The factory was making the next gen nintendo cons  ...""Wii didn't start the fire.""",1,en
customer : waiter this food is repeating on me. waiter : good we love repeat business,1,en
"why is jesus terrible in bed? because it takes three days for him to rise again , and two thousand years to come twice .",0,en
q : what do john the baptist and winnie the pooh have in common? a : they have the same middle name !,0,en
Cheerios got rid of the nut Now you got to add your own,0,en
i got free pancakes on international pancake day. international women's day is now almost over and i think i like pancake day better,0,en
What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.,1,en
"My uncle, as an oncologist.... ... has a great sense of tumor.",1,en
What is Dahvie Vanity's favourite chord? A minor,1,en
"Just booked a hotel, I'm finally going skydiving! I just hope they'll give me roof access...",0,en
how do people usually feel after touching an electric fence? shocked .,1,en
"our last fight was my fault . my wife asked , "" what's on the tv? "" . i said "" dust ! "" .",1,en
What's the difference between Super Man and Spider Man? Super Man wears his underwear over his pants..,0,en
you don't have a twitter account. twitter has a you account,0,en
It really doesn't matter if you are late to special ed You are Tardy either way.,0,en
"Can a widow's husband marry her daughter? No,dead people don't marry.",0,en
What sound does a subatomic Cow make? Muuuuuuon,1,en
"i miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic .",0,en
"A family of Jews sit on the sofa at home. When its cold they sit around a candle. When its really really cold, they light it.",1,en
What was the first thing Kobe missed? The landing pad,0,en
Thanos had a hard time calculating how many he should take out in Infinity War The Black Panther was a bit hard to calculate.,1,en
Have you ever wondered why Severus Snape taught Potions and not Herbology? It's because his Lily died.,1,en
"In case I ever doubted my status as an American, being able to buy girl scout cookies on my way out of the gym was a heady reminder.",1,en
"Going to Forest Whitaker's house, but I can't tell if it's the one on the right or the left.",0,en
I wasn't snoring. I was dreaming I'm a dirt bike,0,en
"I worry about people who write ""taken"" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren't we helping to find them?",1,en
"i just watched harry potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic i mean, a ginger with two friends ?",0,en
what's green and not heavy? light green,0,en
"when a person says a book is so good they can't put it down , but yet , are not holding that book. this is why i have trust issues",1,en
why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror? to see how she looks like when sleeping .,1,en
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF,1,en
my play was a complete success. the audience was a failure,1,en
"Explaining KARMA! It's when you throw a banana in Mario kart, and then, you lose the race because you got caught up in your own banana",0,en
"i asked a frenchman what his favorite game console was i don't think he understood me though, he just replied "" oui "" .",1,en
How do you make a Chevy Malibu float? Pour a glass of soda and add two scoops of Chevy Malibu,0,en
I told my dog to heel. So he went to the hospital and did all he could,0,en
"the waitress asked if i was done with that, i said yes but i'm married to it .",1,en
"i didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. it's not that i don't like my job , it's just",1,en
I like my grilled cheese like I like my Vietnamese Villagers Yellow and melting,1,en
I suffer from premature procrastination. It's when you procrastinate before even receiving a task,1,en
what's the difference between a surgeon and god? god knows he's not a surgeon .,0,en
"Comcast: ""Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable? "" Me: ""No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.""",1,en
What does a banana and Rihanna have in common? Both get Brown Bruises,1,en
what's the oldest trick in the book? the first one .,0,en
I work for a company who specialises in vacuum packed marine mammals. We're famous for our airtight seal,1,en
What is the worst about having alzheimer's and dierrhea? You're running but don't know where to.,0,en
"the worst part about looking for a job is if you're successful, you end up with a job .",1,en
How does a buck love a doe? Deerly,1,en
How do you learn how to talk to a lady? Ask your mother,0,en
why do people traveling east out of sweden get a metal? because they're crossing the finnish line .,1,en
"what's the most obvious name you can give a panda? pan , duh !",0,en
Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is? Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word,0,en
"tifu by installing the incorrect speaker parts in my car oops, wrong sub !",0,en
"Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda's back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly...",0,en
"Bro. It's not ladies man, it's ladies' man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.",0,en
What do you call Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali? Salt and Pepper shakers,1,en
"Beethoven found that having diarrhoea always helped him compose quicker By midday, he was already on his third movement.",1,en
"Who is a Sea Lion's favorite composer? ""Orff Orff Orff Orff!""",0,en
what happened to the astronaut who was knocked out? he saw stars .,1,en
What's the first thing the pope did after resigning? Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.,0,en
"What is the hardest word for a stutterer to say? I'm gonna guess ""Nicaragua.""",1,en
i feel sorry for justin bieber. he's had to go to every justin bieber concert,1,en
what are your best family friendly christmas jokes? i need some for tonight .,0,en
What's the difference between a kid and a river? The river does not scream when I go in dry.,1,en
What did the crew of the fishing boat suffer after an ear shattering explosion destroyed their winch? HERRING LOSS,1,en
how did the aquarium win the battle? giant fish tanks .,1,en
What did the chicken say when it walked into the library? Book Book Book Book Book ,0,en
what do you call a real song canon in d,0,en
why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the halloween party? because he just came to pick up his little sister .,1,en
I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain. They Shere Khan.,0,en
"Violence isn't the answer It is the question, the answer is Yes",1,en
If bananas have potassium. Does that mean potatoes have banassium,1,en
why do dentists like potatoes? because they are so filling .,1,en
Hug? Said the bunny to the oncoming lawnmower,0,en
"What do people say when they eat very tasty jam? ""Jaaaam,this is good""",1,en
stop screaming! i thought you'd appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower,0,en
i have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. let's all be thankful i'm not a surgeon,1,en
The American public treats school shootings as a tragedy.... Doctors treat them as extra income. ,1,en
I'm such a daredevil. I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store,1,en
What did Pythagoras say about the pyramid scheme? He just couldn't find the guys angle!,1,en
"Did you guys hear about the funk singer who stubbed his toe? He said ""ow"".",1,en
"What did the cunnilicker say to his One night stand before leaving? So long, and thanks for all the fish",1,en
"your secrets are safe with me, i wasn't even listening to you .",0,en
"How are children like a cellphones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple of days, chances are it's probably dead.",1,en
Why does the moon have no hair? because it's waxing,1,en
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? A Chocolate Chip Wookiee.,1,en
So I had some Oasis soup today. Got a roll with it,0,en
I dont know why but kids in wheelchairs are so funny to me... They always make me laugh when I push them down the stairs.,0,en
"I didn't find the food in Budapest very filling, so I left Hungary.",1,en
How did the telephone technician catch his fish? By dropping them a line.,1,en
why do people carry umbrellas? because umbrellas cant walk .,1,en
First thing you do in the school of rock? Rock enroll.,1,en
What did Helen Keller say when she won the lottery? uunnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg!,0,en
"if dogs have taught me anything , it's that barking is a great way to get rid of people you don't want to speak to. works for me every time",1,en
"What's the difference between a baby and gasoline? One's good for car fuel, and the other is just gasoline.",1,en
What do kids like to eat in the playground? Recess Pieces.,1,en
"what's the difference between a canadian and an italian ? where the "" eh "" is in the sentence . canadian : "" how you doin , eh ? "" italian : "" eh! how you doin ? """,1,en
Whom do you call a gossip? Someone with a great sense of rumor. ,1,en
What do you call a dog that is a DJ? A beat Boxer,1,en
"Are you made of berillium, gold and titanium? Because you are BeAuTiful.",0,en
First man: what is the most commonly used French expression? Second man: uhh... I give up,1,en
"What do algebra and relationships have in common When you look at the x, you wonder y",1,en
I have developed a truly marvellous demonstration of Fermat's last theorem. which this post is too short to contain,1,en
I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid for me fired.,0,en
why's it so hard for blind people to commit crimes? because they can't see .,0,en
Jesus must have been a champ in bed. He only came once and people all over the world are waiting for him to come again,0,en
"interviewer : "" what did you like best about your last job? "" me : "" sometimes , people had birthdays and there was free cake . """,1,en
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout? Monkfish !,0,en
"baby , you've bought yourself a cruise on the love boat. i'll be your captain",0,en
What was the biggest barbecue of exotic meats on earth? Australia,1,en
What is something you can say at a funeral and in bed? Thanks for all the fun grandma.,0,en
"I'm sleepier than a cupcake stand. They are tiered... sorry, this joke has too many layers.",0,en
"Epitaph for a house cat: ""She died as she lived..."" ""...chewing on power cords.""",1,en
what do you call bruno mars? michael jackson the third .,1,en
"why you should never be late for a speaking engagement an important public speaking lesson wrapped up in a good, clean joke .",0,en
teacher : who was the first woman on earth? fred : i don't know sir . teacher : come on fred it has something to do with an apple . fred : granny smith,0,en
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.,1,en
"Why shouldn't you buy a Unionmade watch? For every day it's working, it will break twice, yet still skips ahead half an hour while you're eating lunch.",1,en
"be thankful for twitter. the way gas prices are headed , we're never going to meet real people ever again",0,en
Whats the diffrence between calamari and a baby I dont know what calamari tastes like.,0,en
What's the difference between... What's the difference between dubstep and a fish on the floor? Nothing as long as you drop the bass.,0,en
A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera. I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot,1,en
Calorie testriction is a good way to lose weight You knew?,0,en
"i used to steal mitch hedberg jokes and post them here for karma i still do, but i used to as well",0,en
what did the guy who got fired for always being late say? it was just a matter of time .,1,en
Thanks for increasing the value of my asset over time. I really appreciate it,1,en
"i covered my boyfriend's laptop in melted cheese and now he's really mad at me. i mean , what did he expect when he asked for mac and cheese ?",0,en
What do you call someone who belongs in the kitchen? A Chef of course...,1,en
Apparently the police think the murder weapon was a colander. But that theory doesn't hold water,1,en
A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b's already.,0,en
why is adam known as the first accountant? he turned a leaf and made an entry .,0,en
If a dog tells you you're dreaming. believe him,0,en
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry,0,en
"So this guy I knew.. started laughing at lunch and ""milk"" came out of his nose. Little does everyone know he was sitting on my lap.",0,en
Why do redditors make such good fencers? They're used to dealing with ripostes.,1,en
The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship. It is truly without pier,1,en
My wife said she wanted a photo of her golden retriever in the river. I told her it would be more useful in a picture frame.,1,en
A man jaywalked and got the entire left side of his body ran over. He was all right,0,en
I hate waiting in lines. At prom I was overjoyed because there was no punch line,1,en
Why was Pluto's child unexpected? Because it didn't plan it.,0,en
"the girl working at best buy saw me checking her out . she walked up and asked me "" do you need help? "" i replied "" no , i am just looking . """,1,en
Do you like raisin cookies? .. Then why don't you adopt one,0,en
"i got some new underwear the other day. well , new to me",0,en
what is a dog's favourite food? anything that is on your plate !,0,en
"whenever i'm down in the dumps , i get myself new clothes. they smell a little bit but at least they're free",1,en
Who's the biggest celebrity in the Vegetable world? Ocra Winfrey,0,en
"I wear glasses during math, Because it improves division.",1,en
"This month has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays but only FOUR Mondays. You're welcome!",0,en
what is created when you rub two oranges together? pulp friction,0,en
What is blue and has black spots? The mediterranean sea.. ,0,en
The best joke I ever heard from a Laffy Taffy wrapper Why do kangaroos hate rainy days? ... The kids have to play inside.,0,en
Anyone who says spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them. has never woken up with one on their face,1,en
why can't ducks tell jokes when they fly? cause they would quack up .,1,en
What do you call two banana peels on the ground? Slippers ,1,en
Why did the ethiopian kid start crying? Because he realized even AutoChaderator lived more than him ,1,en
what do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? branch manager .,1,en
Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.,0,en
"my wife has been around the block a few dozen times , if you know what i mean. she's a mail carrier",1,en
Why does no one buy food for a platypus? They always have a big bill!,1,en
"If you have trouble spelling. Go to the internet, there are always peeple who will corecct you",0,en
"Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere",1,en
"In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe? Pokemon Go!",0,en
knock knock who's there ! cargo ! cargo who? cargo better if you fill it with gas first !,0,en
""" help ! someone has been killed at the dance ! "" ok , well calm down. we don't want any panic at the disco",0,en
"take my advice, do not take my advice .",0,en
What did the bad shock tell the good shock? I'm bad under pressure!! It's the lamest car joke in the world.,0,en
"if i had the power to time travel, i would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that i'd like to eat now .",1,en
Can anyone link me the new sub? I cant find it when i search,0,en
q : why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in iraq? a : they don't want to wear out the camel .,0,en
"when people put pics of their vacation on fb i write: i saw fire trucks outside your house but i'm sure you already know , have a great time !",0,en
Did you hear the amusement park was offering free bungee jumping? No strings attached!,0,en
"i had a mayweather joke, but it ran away from me .",0,en
what food is good for the brain? noodle soup .,1,en
"Whenever I see a missing person story on the news, it makes me sad I miss them too, we had so much fun together..",0,en
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly! ,0,en
"I was informed last week that ""cheat day"" does not mean what I thought it did. In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin",0,en
My best friend said she likes it rough. She kept barking it when I lifted her tail and did my thing.,1,en
I like my women like I like my university degree in computer science. a minor,1,en
What's the cheesiest Stallone film? Roquefort.,0,en
"if my body ran half as much as my mind did, i would never have to skip dessert",0,en
What do Nickelodeon and a group of women at a waxing salon have in common? Angry Beavers,1,en
what's a californians favorite type of comedy? dry humor,1,en
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Too bad we all can't be asthmatics",1,en
"if anything is used to its full potential, it will break .",1,en
What do you call a Wolfman who barks at a half moon? UnawareWolf,0,en
Have you ever seen Ray Charles's mansion? Neither has he.,0,en
The secret of getting ahead is. not having a rib,0,en
why don't women need to go to college? because it doesn't take four years to learn how to make a sandwich .,1,en
Whats the difference between an incel and an egg? An egg gets laid before it cracks,0,en
how did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? it was won by a hare !,0,en
I've mugging problem.... I have got to stop buying coffee mugs. ,0,en
A flasher was considering retiring. But he decided to stick it out a while longer,1,en
q : what kind of house is easiest to pick up? a : a light house .,0,en
what font is used for alphabet soup. times new ramen,0,en
What do you call meat that is on sale for half off in the south? Roadkill,1,en
I'm reading a book about poltergeists. It's a real page turner,0,en
"so, they recently discovered a recording of michael jackson covering bob marley it was titled "" one glove """,1,en
what did superman get at the supermarket? a super bowl,1,en
"I don't believe in horoscopes I'm leo, we're skeptical.",1,en
"Do Beetles Bleed? I don't know, but John Lennon did",1,en
what are bananas high in? trees !,0,en
why did the dalai lama go to las vegas? tibet,1,en
what did the tree say to the math teacher? gee i'm a tree !,0,en
"While I fully intended to ""sleep my way to the top, "" it appears I've napped my way to the middle.",1,en
"We miss X, but the bullet didn't",0,en
"What did the woman say to her husband who constantly turns the heater up way too high? ""This is why we can't have ice things!""",1,en
"This morning I thought I was filled with a childlike sense of wonder, but it was just a norovirus.",1,en
Who would Doctor Strange be if he gave up earlier? Master Strange.,0,en
What's worse than not being able to stop crying at a funeral? If you cannot stop laughing.,0,en
"No I said no, and hence I gave my consent.",0,en
I'm going to read braille to the deaf. For the ASL competition,1,en
"Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.",1,en
"When my twitter crush rt's another girl, a little part of me dies. And so does she",0,en
"What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.",1,en
Why do girls always go in threes when using the restroom? Because they can't even.,1,en
"what did the poor composer say to his friend? i am baroque , can you lend me some money",1,en
So there's a guy at my work that cleans all of the new stock that comes off the trucks before it hits the sales floor. We call him the palette cleanser,1,en
"what did the painter say to her boyfriend? "" i love you with all my art ! """,1,en
"If I yawn, and the person talking says, 'Sorry for boring you', I graciously accept their apology. Because, manners",1,en
how do you catch a green elephant? paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap .,0,en
What's the difference between a Kindle and a Kindle Fire? The Kindle Fire has a lithium battery.,1,en
what does the janitor say when he jumps out of the closet? supplies !,0,en
"Is the Capitol of Kansas pronounced ""Wichitay"" or ""Wichitah? "" It's pronounced ""Topeka.""",1,en
How does french cheese expire? From age,1,en
why did the composer go to the chiropractor? because he had bach problems,1,en
Isn't it amazing that human brains are still faster than supercomputers? Eventually they'll start putting wheels on the machines though.,1,en
him : your beautiful threedots me : my beautiful what? my beautiful what,0,en
"You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed",0,en
The dishwasher is making weird noises. Probably because she's outside chopping firewood,1,en
What's the difference between my wife and my meat? I stop beating my meat in No Nut November.,1,en
Why did the Time Traveler give Julius Caeser a BJ? He wanted to go down on history.,1,en
Q: What do snake charmers do in the rain? A: Turn on their windshield vipers.,0,en
Did you hear about the new international school rankings? Some American schools shot up the ranks,1,en
I love to online. Have you ever tried online? Online is better than offline I think. There's no memes offline and there are wolves offline.,0,en
hey friend wanna hear a joke? another time .,0,en
I broke up with my blind GF the day she proposed me. I bet she didn't see that coming,0,en
"Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, ""Who's Gotye? "" while their kids were like, ""What's a record",1,en
I always heard it was OK to date a nun. as long as you don't get into the habit,1,en
"My school had a ""bring your pet to school day"" So i brought my AAC Honey Badger",1,en
what do we want ? rock hard abs! when do we want them ? the day after the holidays are over,1,en
just changed my ringtone to a busy signal. why haven't i thought of this before ?,0,en
"if i actually said how i was doing when people asked me, no one would ask me how i was doing ever again .",1,en
What do you call a neighborhood inhabited by a lot of maids and dishwashers? A scrubdivision,1,en
"that if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once",0,en
"I'm enthralled by curling. No, not enthralled. What's the word for interested in something, but not enough to look it up on Wikipedia? That.",1,en
speed dating i'm looking for a girl with fire in her eyes . her: hi . my name is carrie .,0,en
What do you call two dogs boxing? A food fight,1,en
what did one bird say to the other bird? toucan play at this game .,1,en
What does a sandwich filling share in common with Joffrey Lannister? They are both in bread.,1,en
my parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. i couldn't find the words to thank them,1,en
Jokes are Jokes Until her sanitary pads start walking,1,en
What is the difference between a cake and babies Cakes dont cry when you put them in the oven,0,en
friend of mine collapsed while he was putting the washing out the other day and had to be rushed to hospital. He almost pegged it,1,en
I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock,1,en
"girls have tea time, guys have tee time .",1,en
My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough. Atleast that's what it says in her diary. ,0,en
I just bought an antique clock with missing hands. I think it's a timeless treasure,0,en
Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley,0,en
"Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there",1,en
What does a baby sound like when you put it in a blender I don't know I'm too busy masterbating,1,en
"I'm so thrilled can't wait! I've heard that George Floyd's next album is gonna be ""Breathtaking""",1,en
my kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch. my whole body is lazy so i'm wearing my couch,1,en
"After dinner, my wife asked me if I could clear the table... I needed a running start, but I made it!",0,en
"I just love that fragrance you're wearing, is that Consent?",0,en
How come the dog never finished his game? He was stuck on paws. Forgive me reddit senpai,0,en
"my guitar e string broke threedots on another note, the d string is fine !",0,en
""" the rules are quite simple , mr bond: i think of a word , you guess letters in that word . if you guess wrong i draw a picture a man hanging . """,0,en
What is slimy and wobbly tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.,1,en
How to chose a winner in depressed people olympics? Ans : Sudden Death,0,en
"It's not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else",1,en
"what happened at the funeral of the man who invented the usb? they lowered his coffin , took it out , flipped it the other way round , then lowered it again .",1,en
September just ended. Someone should wake up Green Day,0,en
i forgot to wear my glasses when i drove today. i didn't even notice i wasn't wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something,1,en
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.,1,en
How do you greet a Rastafarian who's out of work? jahbless,0,en
We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve. We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night',1,en
How many plates do you need to draw a picture? Tenplates,1,en
"When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.",1,en
"wife : do you want some dinner ? me : sure, what are my choices ? wife : yes and no",0,en
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert. But it turned out to be a mirage sale.,0,en
Hair Stylist: What are we doing today? Me: Let's do something that will look great here but I'll have no chance of replicating at home,1,en
What is the German word for Constipation? Farfrompoopen.,1,en
What type of animals are put on envelopes? Seals.,1,en
The difference between a girlfriend and a girl friend. is a little chasm I call the friend zone,0,en
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts !,0,en
"Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq",1,en
what did one end of the rope say to the other? we were bound to get together threedots,0,en
her : are you even capable of love? me : i'm pretty sure i love pancakes .,0,en
"i'd like to tell you about two things : reverse psychology and recycling. but , nah , reddit wouldn't wanna hear it threedots",0,en
"your college degree doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you're in debt .",1,en
what fish is the most valuable? a goldfish .,1,en
"my doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so i stopped going to doctors .",1,en
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers. She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain,1,en
What's the best time to buy a bird? When it goes cheep!,0,en
"Inspired by T.G.I. Fridays, I opened a restaurant called C.L.I. Tuesdays. No one could find it.",1,en
What's furry has whiskers and chases outlaws? A posse cat !,0,en
So I asked my friend with synesthesia the time. He said half past purple,0,en
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers? A. Because they're not supposed to cross the streams,0,en
I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.,0,en
"I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.",0,en
what's the difference between girls of our generation and peanut butter? one spreads easily and the other is peanut butter,1,en
"What did the German clock maker say to the clock that would only go ""tick tick tick? "" Vee have vays of making you tock!",0,en
Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie. Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn't fight back,1,en
What's a teenage fish's favorite website? Prawn Hub,0,en
what does a farmer and dubstep have in common? they both drop beats !,1,en
No matter how much I try to buy those supermarket conveyor belt dividers. The cashier just keeps putting them back,1,en
Doctor: Pick a star sign Patient: capricorn Doctor: Nah u got cancer,0,en
How do you test a pirate for crabs? Swab the deck!,0,en
"Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get... Gravy",1,en
"Dating tip: don't mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.",0,en
"Dude on Amtrak I sized up as being a lawyer just used ""litigation"" during a phone call. Feeling powerful right now",1,en
"pretty much the only time i want to hear about your ex is if she's standing behind me with a weapon, other than that i'm good .",1,en
What's going on here? I heard this sub was chaos. Why?,0,en
"our local cinema is showing a special version of the latest james bond film , just for dyslexics. respect",1,en
simple cure for childhood obesity: ice cream trucks that don't stop .,1,en
"Scientists have detected an unexplainable radio signal coming from space. In other words, now even God has a podcast",1,en
"How many more times will I watch ""A Walk To Remember"" tonight? As Mandy Moore times as I want to.",0,en
The french invented a new bulletproof vest That is just as efficient as a regular one but much cheaper: it only covers the soldiers' backs,1,en
I love it when you call me Medium Poppa! Throw your hands in the air if you's a moderately attractive single lady with no kids or debt,1,en
"I saw a woman suffering cardiac arrest earlier... She asked for me to call her an ambulance. I did, but I think she should've asked for help instead.",0,en
"in my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said "" my mom says she's allergic to most other moms "" super",1,en
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.,0,en
"what are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? on one hand , you have a watch threedots but on the other hand , you have a watch .",1,en
"I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.",1,en
"Did you know that all of the Hobbit films were recorded in L.A. Yeah, you could tell by the Smaug.",1,en
What did the scientist say when he created something super BASIC? ExtraOrdinary,1,en
I got a nice pair of joggers earlier. Getting them into the van didn't take much effort.,1,en
What do you call a book club thats been stuck on one book for years? The church,1,en
"Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.",0,en
homework. the teachers ' way of knowing how smart the parent is,1,en
i need to start paying closer attention to stuff. found out today my wife and i have separate names for the cat,0,en
"it's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it .",1,en
What kind of pants do Bostonians wear? Car Keys,1,en
I've learned there are two types of people in this world: People I trust to help me bury bodies... ...and bodies,1,en
"So my friend told me the other day that he was gunna start studying abroad... ...but no matter how many times I asked, he wouldn't tell me her name!",0,en
"Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon. most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus",1,en
How can you tell if your new boat will sink? You'll know it when you sea it.,0,en
I was telling people about my Mona Lisa joke. but I wasn't getting much of a smile about it,0,en
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.,0,en
"I'm no Dean Martin. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris"". He said ''Eurostar? '' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.",0,en
"Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I told her, I had a headache",1,en
What's the difference between myself and a Catholic priest? I like the opposite gender,1,en
"If I know anything about girls, it's that they appreciate privacy. Trust me I've read a ton of diaries",1,en
"student : could i be trouble for something i didn't do? teacher : of course not . student : good , because i didn't do my homework .",1,en
"I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill",1,en
what does the pokemon dentist do? he takes a pikachu teeth .,1,en
I finally told her those three magical words every woman wish to hear. I give up,0,en
"Save some A's for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.",0,en
how swift is kanye? about as west as taylor,0,en
I dreamt I was making a salad. I was tossing all night,0,en
Why did the air freshener company go out of business? Because they lacked common scents...,1,en
What does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts,1,en
i've been in wisconsin for ten pounds. that means one week for those of you who have never visited wisconsin,0,en
Why was the horse farmer arrested? He was raising a colt.,0,en
I bought the wife a new bag for her birthday. Hoover works a treat now,0,en
"Sometimes I use words that I don't even understand myself. I think, it makes me look more photosynthetic",1,en
How many pedants does it take to replace a burnt light bulb? Glass doesn't burn.,1,en
why does saturn have rings? god really liked it so he put rings on it .,1,en
"My mom is the queen of cheesy jokes and her favorite: "" what do you call a deer with no eyes? "" "" no idear""",1,en
"Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward? Her: Yeah, a little... Me: I was talking to my mom! Mom: No, I'm fine.",0,en
"Everyone says they are sick of my Linkin Park references. But in the end, it doesn't even matter",0,en
Happy Groundhog Day everybody. So put your little hand in mine and there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb,0,en
"in photoshop, is there any way to make it look like i'm not dead inside ?",0,en
"my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I'm being very selective so she learns to have standards",1,en
what did the plant say to the vegan? leaf me alone .,1,en
Atoms are catholic. They have mass.,1,en
what do a house and clean clothes have in common? homeless people have neither .,1,en
If life gives you melons. get a good sports bra,0,en
"On Facebook, my friend became a fan of Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and Nickelback. I became a fan of unfriending her",1,en
"We were in chemistry class today and it was great, Well, it was great until they demonstrated the effects of lead.",1,en
"thank you for teaching me the meaning of the word "" much. "" it means a lot",1,en
Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in Decembrrrrr.,0,en
protein shakes are really expensive threedots whey expensive. edit : spelling,0,en
why was farmer bob so good at his job? because he was outstanding in his field,1,en
"never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn .",0,en
"i heard this amazing joke the other day , made me laugh so hard. unfortunately i seem to have forgotten it",1,en
It's not curiosity that killed the cat. it was procatstination,0,en
What do you call it when an insect colony isn't cared for? Negligants. ,1,en
"this cashier was totally just checking me out, you guys .",1,en
"I think my Wife has been adding soil to our garden for years, when I said it to her, she just shrugged. Hmm..so the plot thickens.",0,en
What happens when you drop a decimal point in water? it floats.,0,en
What's a New Zealander's favorite car? The Kia Ora.,1,en
what is a moo hoo for a cow fight? a cattle battle !,0,en
"Hey, do you guys want to hang out under the bridge? I know a shortcut",0,en
"Did you hear that Tom Cruise is hiring Rebecca De Mornay for the weekend to help him make cat food? Yep, it'll be ""Friskies"" Business!",1,en
My dentist is going to be so proud of me! I've been brushing my teeth like ten times a day since I started using Betty Crocker toothpaste.,1,en
what do you get when you combine a christmas tree with an ipad? a pineapple,0,en
"i love looking at oranges, they are just so appealing",0,en
"Besides OP's mom, Which character would you like to have seen more of on the Andy Griffith show?",0,en
how can you tell if a loaf of bread is a boy or girl? feel around for the dough nuts,1,en
Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies? They've got a lot of thyme on their hands,1,en
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places. He would boldly go where no man had gone before.,1,en
"What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T? Teapot",0,en
"what is the best way to determine if someone is ticklish? give them a "" test tickle . """,1,en
"can i ask you two questions? ok , what's the second one",0,en
Christmas lights dont hang themselves... But epstien does,0,en
"i went to an aa meeting, met a lot of batteries",1,en
What do you call moldy bread in an African village? All you can eat.,1,en
why did the cow tip over? excellent service .,1,en
did you hear about that rich kid who got a car for his birthday? he drove it into a tree to see how his mercedes bends .,1,en
"My Japanese girlfriend just broke up with me... To cheer me up, my friend told me ""There are plenty more in the sea.""",1,en
"how do skeletons kiss? they don't . skeletons don't have lips , they just bone .",1,en
What sis Selenium say to Xenon? U SeXe.,0,en
Automod's intelligence That's all I need to say,1,en
"i have a friend who is pregnant. trouble is , she slept around so much that she has no idea who the mother is",1,en
I just slept with Pinnochio. No strings,0,en
I was wondering why the belt was moving so fast... and then it hit me.,0,en
What do you call a bovine beauty pageant winner? A big Miss Steak.,1,en
People have started raising awareness for the advancement of agricultural equipment and tools. Check out the resources below.,1,en
we've been over this. i do not want a pdf of your menu,0,en
I was trying to find the Mortal Kombat soundtrack. All I could find were Finnish hymns.,1,en
What is the opposite of Dominoes? Domi does not know....,1,en
What is the difference between Susan Boyle and a aircondtioner? An aircondtior can be hot,1,en
Where do bacteria go when they die? St. Petri Dish.,1,en
What's a crumb of bread in Africa? A bakery,1,en
"My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.",1,en
"why couldn't the artist get a driver's license? he gave off a good impression , but couldn't make a van gogh .",1,en
what's the best part of living in alabama? you don't live in mississippi .,1,en
Me and a North African girl spoke in her native language for hours. We just clicked,0,en
"mirrors can't talk. and lucky for you , they can't laugh",1,en
"they say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it's gone .",1,en
Epstein had a lot of friends and regularly went to parties. He was very social. So he obviously doesn't like hanging by himself.,1,en
teacher : why are you late ? boy : my fish died. teacher : what fish ? boy : you don't know him he goes to different school,0,en
Which ghost ate too much porridge? Ghouldilocks.,0,en
"My dyslexic friend is getting married! I'm a groomsman, but a dog is my friend's best man.",0,en
"People don't like my jokes. People don't like my jokes, and that's fine because I'm not punny",1,en
What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!,0,en
Know why cowgirls are always bowlegged? Cowboys don't take their hats off while eating.,1,en
"i judge every book by its cover: "" too smart for me "" is what i say and then look at twitter on my phone .",1,en
What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car? A convertible.,1,en
"give a man a cow , and he eats for a day. teach a man to cow , and you've probably invented some crazy new dance called the cow '",0,en
"there's a button on this hotel phone that says , "" pizza "". i may never leave",0,en
""" why don't you trust me? "" , she texted both the guys simultaneously .",0,en
why do people buy smart cars? because opposites attract .,1,en
why do hunters close one eye when they aim? because they can't see if they close both .,1,en
"What's the difference between a trumpet quartet play Mr. man and police pedifilia Nothing, they're both brass in A minor",1,en
What did Abe Lincoln say to the judge when he asked how he pleas? I'm in a cent.,1,en
what do you get if king kong sits on your best friend? a flat mate .,1,en
Who invented Dishwashers? Josephine Cochran. Coincidence? I THINK NOT,1,en
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.,1,en
"what is green , fuzzy and very deadly if it falls on you out of a tree? a pool table .",0,en
What kind of shoes do bakers wear? Loafers.,1,en
Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.,0,en
"Funniest Joke Ever. Nevermind, it actually isn't that funny. Ok well... A bear and a rabbit... No no... It's not that funny. Nevermind.",0,en
"None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God...  Turns out they just needed a higher power...",0,en
how many happy meals do you need to eat before they start to work? i've just had six and i feel terrible .,1,en
"What has the most lead content? Lead mines, lead paint or parkland shooting victims?",1,en
"If you're wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it's because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.",1,en
I was going to ask a Jewish girl to marry me so i asked to meet her father to get permission She went in the house and came back with an urn,1,en
I wonder what the beaches at Japan are like. Most of them are ubderwater.,1,en
The African child was beaming with joy as he saw his sister slowly dying He could finally have two glasses of water instead of one,1,en
What is the most unrealistic thing about the Harry Potter series? They actually used what they were taught in school.,1,en
why is money called dough? because we all knead it .,1,en
"When bald people wash there face, How far up do they go?",1,en
Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself? Because it didn't have the nerves.,0,en
The inventor of distorted mirrors has passed away. His funeral will be held in asymmetry,1,en
what did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall? dam .,1,en
"I don't have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is ""blender without the lid on""",1,en
I am one of those people who believe that what is inside a person is more important. Being a Organ harvester is a really wholesome business.,1,en
""" do you know how awkward you are ? "" "" good, you ? """,1,en
At the shop the other day and i noticed they had a special on he was pushing trolleys ,1,en
why should you work for a vegetable factory? because they offer a good celery .,1,en
What does a dog like to wear when it's exercising? Pants.,1,en
"A Roman receives a text message.... A Roman receives a text message and looks at it confused. ""Why does it end with twenty? "" he thinks to himself.",1,en
Why did Mozart go to jail?  his magical flute was in A minor.,1,en
Did i ever tell you the story about how I climed mount everest? I made it up,1,en
"you never hear about a new ghost . "" oh yeah, this place is haunted since jeff died last tuesday . """,0,en
how does a one armed man row a boat? in a circle .,1,en
Did you hear about the man who opened a yacht showroom? Sales went through the roof.,1,en
""" oh , thank god. i'm still a dog "" what dogs probably think when they wake up from one of their little nightmares",0,en
A lawyer and a boulder are dropped from a cliff at the same time. Which hits the ground first? Who cares,0,en
to whoever has my old phone number: i truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy i met at that thing,0,en
Teacher: What happened to your homework? Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.,0,en
"need your best short jokes one sentence max , i'll start: a dyslexic walks into a bra",1,en
One in four frogs... ...is a leap frog. ,1,en
"can somebody explain to me why we still use coins? really , it doesn't make cents .",1,en
What does Mike Tyson eat after a long time on twitter? Tweets of course! ....and then your family.,0,en
What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile.,1,en
"Why is the ice planet in Star Wars called ""Hoth""...? ...shouldn't it be ""Coldth""",1,en
"q : how can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it? a : any way you want , concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack .",0,en
What did the pregnant blonde ask at the doctor's office? ...Is it mine,0,en
"The three modes of communication Telephone, Telegraph and Tell a woman",1,en
"me : table for four, please . and can we get some crayons ? her : will there be children dining today ? me : no . the crayons are for me .",0,en
Why doesn't Bill Cosby like women's flip flops? ...because he can't lace them.,0,en
What's the latest big thing to sweep across Japan? The ocean.,1,en
"It's only been a few days, but I'm starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.",0,en
An alpaca made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I guess it was an Alpac'ino,1,en
why did god create men first? because we learn from mistakes .,1,en
"For computer geeks. Less isn't more, less is more",1,en
What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common? They're both afraid their favorite artist will die before the next concert,1,en
What is a woman pregnant with a girl? A cleaning kit with replacement.,0,en
What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo,1,en
"What do the Superbowl and the OJ Simpson Saga have in common? They both feature a slow, old, white bronco.",1,en
"There was a man so poor and broke. That when someone stole his wallet, the robber went bankrupt",0,en
what kind of smartphone would harambe have? the brand doesn't matter as long as it has gorilla glass .,1,en
"I went to the zoo, which is unfortunately closing due to a lack of visitors, and all that was left to see was. the going out of business snail",1,en
Q: What do you call that great feeling of satisfaction you get when you finish your homework? A: The aftermath.,0,en
Q: Did you hear about the book about cowardice? A: It had no spine.,0,en
I realize I misspelled a word in my last Tweet. On that note I'm about to eat a Famous Anus cookie,0,en
I can never seem to get a good picture of wheat. It always comes out grainy,1,en
Where is the only place engineers are considered artistic? Brooklyn,1,en
"How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars? ""Well... If it's any constellation...""",1,en
What do Venezuelans do to cheer up? They wait to shake the situation.,1,en
what did the dog say to the fireman? the roof is on fire .,1,en
What is a video game characters favorite method of brawling? Hitboxing!,0,en
Some people use a lawnmower to cut their grass I call mine emo so it cuts itself.,1,en
"so my homework told me to use a table to solve the equation but i already am using a table to solve it. what , should i normally do my math on the floor ? !",1,en
Why was the Sublime cover band so bad? They don't practice Santeria.,1,en
"i hate to brag , but several ladies just asked me if i wanted a date. on multiple street corners",1,en
What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost? ...He flounder,0,en
"Here's to honor! ... Get honor, stay honor. If you can't come in her. Come honor.",0,en
Have you heard the joke about the sky. Well it's over your head anyway,0,en
a latvian haiku where is potatoes? this winter is very cold . family is starve .,0,en
How is circumcision like the Great Jedi Purge? They both get rid of the force kin!,0,en
"guy getting on elevator in my office building threedots "" going down? "" me : "" no , but i've got time for a hug """,0,en
"always the camel, never the toe .",1,en
need a last minute valentine's day gift for that special lady? why not give her the timeless gift of my phone number,0,en
I am like an electron. My wife can only make guesses at my precise location by means of a probability function,1,en
What was Frank Sinatra's last big hit His wife ,1,en
What's the difference between this post and an orphan? At least one person cared about this post,0,en
I miss all the kids at school. But my aim is getting better.,1,en
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry corny,1,en
I went downtown today. I was really surprised to see that the stationary store had moved locations,1,en
"pro tip: no matter how much you hate wrapping , never ask your wife to wrap her own christmas presents .",0,en
what did the boy bird say to the girl bird on valentine's day? let me call you tweet heart !,0,en
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.,0,en
"Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.",1,en
Adults have imaginary friends too. his name is God,0,en
"A funny idea should be acceptable, but not Always should be brought into reality. Just like the idea of completely banning slavery.",1,en
What do Dothraki use to count their horses? A Khalculator,1,en
"A friend of mine asked me if I could beat Steve Jobs in a fight and I really don't see why I wouldn't be able to. After all, he did lose to cancer.",1,en
What tea do rich people buy? Property.,1,en
what's the worst part about having comcast internet? loading threedots,0,en
"My neurologist said I have ""dyslexia""... Opinion second a get will I think I.",1,en
"In the recent interview, Messi holds goats and says he is a normal player. Imagine the words Salah would say holding those goats: My daily workout?",1,en
congratulations on passing your test! you have hiv,0,en
""" how long have you been chopping wood for? "" "" i'm not sure , i'll check the logs """,1,en
What is Batman's least favorite ice cream? Vanilla Bane!,0,en
doctor doctor i keep trying to get into fights . and how long have you had this complaint? who wants to know,1,en
I heard someone say that all women go through menopause but I beg to differ The little girl in my trunk definitely never will,1,en
Why did the twinkie go to the dentist? He lost his filling!,0,en
What do you call the wooden Batman? Spruce Wayne,1,en
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room,1,en
"i used to hate peer pressure, but my friends got me into it .",1,en
Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? The stamps kept falling off the rocks!,0,en
What do they call shrimp killing a bunch of other shrimp? A krilling spree!,1,en
"Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.  I can also tell if they are standing.",1,en
"There's a song about dancing like Uma Thurman, but not about dancing like Gaston. No one dances like Gaston!",0,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Almond ! Almond who? Almond the side of the law ! Kn,0,en
Third time's a charm. Is a much darker phrase in Germany,1,en
what do you call an irish milkshake? mashed potatoes threedots,1,en
"i'd like to thank the floor, for always catching me when i'm falling down .",0,en
"No thanks Black Friday crowds. I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended",0,en
What do tattoos and children have in common? Both can go away with lasers.,1,en
"God, Allah and Jehovah are three names of the same almighty creator. Now imagine that",0,en
A local plastic surgeon started giving away free breast implants. They're up for grabs,1,en
What size bed comfortably fits a married couple? Twin. Because the husband has to sleep on the couch.,1,en
you are all beautiful to me threedots with the proper lighting. : d have a great day !,0,en
What did the river say when it saw the beavers? I'll be dammed.,0,en
Why didn't the stick of butter confess his feelings? Because somethings are butter left unsaid.,0,en
What do you call pasta you buy from the bad side of town? Spaghetto,1,en
Im a rapper But one of the p's is removed,0,en
How do you make the hippie run out of money? You hide daddies credit card under a bar of soap.,1,en
"darling , what are you thinking about right now? if i would want you to know , i would say it not think about it .",0,en
Why is Sigma good at sharing? Because he only ever takes sum of the numbers!,0,en
"my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying "" jeff is dead "" so they know what the flowers are for",0,en
If a vegetarian eats vegetables. What does a humanitarian eat,1,en
I went into Paris to eat some Snails. and ended up with a belly full of Slugs,1,en
What do you call Venus Williams' collection of Pokemon? The 'mons of Venus.,1,en
I'm not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down,1,en
What is the first thing women should do after checking out of the battered womans shelter? The dishes if she knows whats good for her.,1,en
Halitosis. is better than no breath,1,en
why did the writer not like his friends book? it wasn't his type .,1,en
"Then God said, ""Let there be Internet drama""; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good",1,en
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto! You call him Roberto....,1,en
"Tomorrow is Saturday... ...that means i only have to worry about work, i don't have to actually be there.",0,en
"What's the best hotel in the world ? Auschwitz, it got over a million star.",0,en
What is Avicii doing right now? Decomposing.,0,en
"teacher : "" why do we have a thanksgiving holiday? "" student : "" so we know when to start christmas shopping ! """,1,en
what happened to kim jong? he was ill .,0,en
anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have,0,en
You know who will probably take the gold in the luge? The biggest luger. ,0,en
Not a gardener per se. but I've been known to use hoes occasionally,1,en
when can't a pen write out a check? when it's broke .,0,en
"pizza places , we don't want cheesy bread. pizza is cheesy bread",1,en
what's a vampire cows worst fear? steaks .,1,en
How do frogs avoid depression? They just eat whatever bugs them.,1,en
A number of tasks I have to perform is my to do list. A number of songs and music pieces I have to listen to is my to do do list.,1,en
why does the devil hate the holiday season? because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children .,1,en
"i wrote ' divorce ' , my wife wrote ' yes '. tough way to find out , but at least i won our last game of scrabble",1,en
"over all these years, you'd think i'd remember how important the "" l "" in clock is threedots especially when asking mom if i can borrow dad's .",0,en
"If I looked down and saw Steve Buscemi between my legs, I'm pretty sure I'd think I was having a miscarriage.",1,en
Why did the dorito feel left out? Cause he didn't chip in!,0,en
Why are there so many women archeologists? Because they love digging up the past.,1,en
My parents treat their puppers and kittys like they rule the home. I guess they're reigning cats and dogs.,1,en
I used to a trusted member of a totally secret cooking society. But they kicked me out .. .. for spilling the beans.,0,en
What do you call thr period when women take a break from relationships with guys? Menopause.,1,en
How do cells multiply? By dividing.,1,en
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake,1,en
why are fathers like parking spaces? the good ones are already taken !,0,en
My dad always argues that time is extremely precious.. I second that,0,en
"Why couldn't the Hungarian programmer buy a third long? Because he only had Forints! Thank you thank you, tip your waiter.",0,en
i found out today that french fries were weren't created in france. they were created in greece,1,en
Wanna hear a dirty joke? I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.,0,en
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.,1,en
"What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch? A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.",1,en
"I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..",0,en
What sound does an injured turkey make? Hobblehobblehobblehobble,1,en
I wonder what the parents who lost their children at the school shootout must be going through right now Probably coffin brochures,0,en
"People are always talking about how popular Steve Jobs was. But I don't think he'll ever be as popular as his brother, Hand",1,en
What's the difference between a baby and a dryer? A dryer doesn't scream when I dump a load in it,1,en
They had a special on at the supermarket He was collecting trolleys,1,en
I call my girl xbox Because she won't pass one,1,en
What is it called when you take pictures with plants? photosynthesis ,1,en
when is a dog not a dog? when it is pure bread . told to me by a friend .,0,en
prince has died. the artist fully known as alive,0,en
What do you call an Ethiopian with a bag of rice? A restaurant owner.,1,en
What is a piano teacher's biggest mistake? Fingering the wrong minor.,1,en
"you play the victim so well, i'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk .",0,en
Why was a physicist unable to do the double slit experiment? His wife didn't want a threesome.,1,en
"I signed up for the Do Not List list, but was immediately removed as I had requested.",0,en
What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? Long John Silvers.,0,en
"I asked Guile what the worst Sonic game is. He said, ""Sonic Boom!""",1,en
i have reliable inside information about apple's next product. i will not be able to afford it,1,en
Relationship status: Negotiating with the dog to lease space in his flat.,1,en
doctor doctor i feel like i'm part of the internet! well you do look a site,0,en
What do you call a broken compass? Safari.,1,en
what did the detective particle say to the suspect particle? i got my ion you .,1,en
i love plants. they are the only living things that do not run away from me,1,en
"The news is currently that spinning image of a newspaper, but it never stops spinning.",1,en
"never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter .",1,en
what happens to garlic sauce over time? the sausages .,1,en
what's a banana's favorite gymnastic event? The splits,0,en
"when i'm at the mall, i carry a purse around so people think i have a girlfriend",1,en
"If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I'd say skin.",1,en
new york city is the only place where sound travels faster than light. i always hear the horn before the light turns green,1,en
How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is.......,0,en
What's black and white and red all over? A happy orca.,0,en
what's long and hard and makes women groan? an ironing board .,1,en
what's the first thing a navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning? she puts her clothes back on and goes home .,1,en
What kind of wig can hear? An earwig !,0,en
I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like,1,en
What does a banana and chicken have in common? They're both eaten by monkeys,1,en
Guys I guess October is. Octover,0,en
what's another word for cinnamon? synonym .,1,en
This part of the joke is called the setup. This part is not,1,en
why did the squirrel swim on its back? to keep his nuts dry,1,en
why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? it doesn't need cleaning .,0,en
Why were the ancient Greeks considered so brave on the battlefield? They didn't want to leave their brothers behind.,1,en
"i was proud and surprised when my wife gave birth threedots but deep down, i knew she had it in her .",0,en
i just bought a used time machine on craigslist. they sure don't make them like they're going to anymore,0,en
"why did the otter cross the road? to say "" hello from the otter side """,1,en
a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. always wet but nothing to ride,1,en
"have you ever eaten a salad, then had a chickpea on your face ?",1,en
What's the slipperiest country? Greece!,0,en
What hits hard for a asian kid other than nostalgia? Their parents,1,en
"So when I went to buy my new phone, the Extravert, I asked if there was an Introvert. and they handed me a book",1,en
when is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house? when the door is open !,0,en
did you hear they discovered a soda cavemen drank? it's a carbon dated beverage threedots good jokes are good,0,en
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here,1,en
Why was the poor man selling yeast? To raise some dough,1,en
"umm , your honour? in my defence , i think it was a pretty decent exposure .",1,en
"sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second .",1,en
Lady Gaga won an Oscar? I heard it on my radio.,1,en
Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..? he was tired of coffin.,1,en
Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks? Because his number couldn't fit in their phones,1,en
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. When i went to clean it off, i couldn't find him anymore.",1,en
"INTERVIEWER: under skills you've listed ""gets jokes"" ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha",1,en
Why can't the quiet kid focus on his studies? Because he's already focused on the kid running in the hallway,1,en
Where'd the rabbi stay on business? The L'Hyatt,1,en
"My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.",1,en
"My dad is Korean and my mom is Mexican Hi, I am Lee Guacamo ",0,en
"What is the difference between a bicycle and a slave? Nothing, they both need chains to work",1,en
I could add boolean operators to my search. OR NOT,1,en
I finally decided on my Halloween costume. I'm going to go as a French pancake chef; that'll really give people the crepes,1,en
What do LotR and Brokeback Mountain have in common? Someone's ring gets broken.,0,en
I'm starting a combination Frozen Yogurt shop and news stand. It will be called Froyo Information,0,en
i met cosby once and i remember him being just a wonderful person. i don't remember much after that,1,en
What does one dog say to the other when he just broke up with his girl friend? Go and retrieve her!,0,en
Survival of the Fittest Women in the New Zealand wilderness survives by drinking her own breast milk. Your turn Bear Grylls,0,en
i wrote your name in the snow you should recognize it. it was your mom's handwriting,0,en
"What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't? I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.",1,en
"okay , let's get this straight. there's no way everyone has the best boyfriend in the world",0,en
Just posting this... so I can lock it.,0,en
Blonde hair goals I wish I can color my hair as dark as my soul.,1,en
What color was the Dallas shooters eyes? Blue. One blue this way and one blue that way.,0,en
Fred: My mum's having a new baby. Drew: What's wrong with the old one?,0,en
What could Dora the Explorer's kids be called? Doritos,0,en
"Survival Tip: If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.",1,en
A horse walks into a bar He required veterinary care.,1,en
"So many women in the world, but out of all the men in the world who has the best picks? Probably climbers and miners.",1,en
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through one of his skits without laughing,1,en
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer. Me: We don't need a freezer that big. Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies? Me: I love you.,1,en
Why did Caitlyn Jenner have a differently spelled version of Caitlin? Because she can't get rid of the Y chromosome,1,en
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft? Apostles Creed.,1,en
"I applied to Hogwarts the a few weeks back. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted. Figured I could just Slytherin.",0,en
What is a professors favourite snack? Academia Nuts.,1,en
"got into a car accident with a mobile library before. i'm perfectly fine , but the police really threw the book at me",1,en
What do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein,1,en
why was the atom laughing? because part tickles .,0,en
michael j. fox he's really just trying to master the force,0,en
Why can't you talk to spiders who get shut in pianos? They'll B flat,1,en
"My friend says that I've lost touch with reality but I told the pillow, that was absurd and to lower his voice before he woke the avocado.",0,en
why was the cook sad when all the water in his pot boiled away? because he mist it .,0,en
""" this is the grey wall of china "" i think it's ' great ' "" we all do, pal """,1,en
How do you plug a plow into a car stereo? Through the ox input.,0,en
What do you call a pastry chef with PTSD? Scrambled.,1,en
"What did the Brontosaurus say to the Stegosaurus? ""Get Jurassic over here!""",1,en
"While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.",1,en
"IKEA has invented a half full glass for optimists, that can ALSO serve as a half empty glass for pessimists!!!",1,en
why are you all sweaty? i was watching cops,1,en
How much money do terrible movies make? Ridley Scott. Thank you.,0,en
I believe that women deserve equal rights and equal lefts as well.,1,en
Constantine XI : Ships can't walk on lands Mehmed II the Conqueror: Hold my Kebab ,1,en
What washes up on small beaches? Microwaves!,0,en
What do you call an all Sikh band? N'Singh.,1,en
"I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars.",1,en
What do you call an insect that talks under its breath? A mumble bee,1,en
Moon rock versus Earth rock Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock? Because it's a little meteor.,1,en
Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole? A: He varnished into thin air!,0,en
Drax was right when he said Gamora wasn't a dancer It's hard to dance when all your limbs are broken,0,en
"What do you call it when a bear makes a complete rotation on both its longitudinal and lateral axes, causing it to follow a helical path? A bearl roll.",1,en
What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat,1,en
I'm really glad it's daylight savings time The clock in my truck is now correct,0,en
Hate shaving? Cut some time out of your morning routine by leaping into the ocean and letting the tide drag you to a watery demise instead.,1,en
Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain is Rotten Tomatoes.,1,en
"Lawyer A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge!",0,en
My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi,0,en
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists? They have a lot of mixed reactions.,1,en
"When I lived on a houseboat I was seeing the girl next door, but eventually we drifted apart.",1,en
I'm tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace,1,en
bill : my sister has lovely long red hair all down her back. will : pity it's not on her head,0,en
My dad said I'm likeable. I think of myself more as a lion but whatever,1,en
What's the most romantic pasta? Farfalle. It always gives me butterflies in my stomach.,1,en
Why are spiders so unproductive? Because they hang out on the web all day!,1,en
wifi was down so had to talk to my gf. she seems nice,0,en
What do you call an amphibian in hiding? Incognitoad.,1,en
"imagine a spider . scary , right? wrong . this spider is imaginary . really makes you think",0,en
"People say I'm just distrusting, but I don't believe them.",1,en
I like most ancient cities. But I Constantinople,1,en
"If I ever see a shark I won't be attacked. Because although sharks are attracted to blood in the water, they are repelled by feces",1,en
Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.,1,en
Turns out Kobe Bryant can pass: Pass away,0,en
How is a Catholic Priest like an Olympic silver medalist? They both came in a little behind.,1,en
"My math teacher kept giving easy parabolas and circles until the test day when he gave a large, difficult hyperbola. The long con",1,en
You are what you eat? I guess Steven hawking ate a lot of green beans,1,en
"Interviewer: ""Are you proficient with Microsoft Office? "" Interviewee: ""Word.""",1,en
What did the man who frequents the internet do with a book? He Reddit.,0,en
"how can you tell if someone does crossfit? don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
why did the grim reaper go to the shoe repair shop? to get some soles !,0,en
Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin !,0,en
fun game: take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours .,0,en
""" have you got any kittens going cheap? "" asked a customer in a pet shop . "" no , sir , "" replied the owner . "" all our kittens go "" meow .",1,en
my ex used to say there was one person for everyone. i didn't realise he planned to be that person,1,en
"My father was a nun... Whenever he was in court and the occupation was called for, he would say ""nun.""",1,en
"Why doesn't Aaron want to get out of the water, even though he is hydrophobic? Because he enjoys living in denial.",1,en
"My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted. Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer",0,en
What do you call it when the Annoying Orange tells lies? Pulp Fiction,1,en
it was the middle ages. there's no way rapunzel didn't have lice,0,en
"what's just as uncomfortable cold , as it is warm? a public toilet seat .",1,en
my father found the cure for gonorrhea. it was under the tv guide where he left it,0,en
"I was walking my dog when a man approached me. He said, ""My car's just broken down. Could you give me a push? "" ""Of course,"" I said. Then he fell into the bush.",1,en
til : the guy who invented the toothbrush plays the banjo in his spare time. anyone else would have called it a teethbrush,1,en
why did the alien phone home on his mobile? because it was so et !,0,en
"What is the cheapest date ever? Drive in reverse trough the mcdrive, so the checkout is on her side.",1,en
One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!,0,en
"I thought the post above me was funny No, that's it, I just wanted to comment",0,en
what is the quickest way to double your money? fold it in half !,0,en
There's a movie coming out about a big rig truck. Have you seen the trailer?,0,en
I like girls how I like my clothes. Whitewashed. Clean and fresh. Hung. Edit: Ninja edit,0,en
"In INTERSTELLAR, why does Tom's voice get higher when he's older? Answer: thedust",0,en
"did i tell you that my girlfriend has the flu? yeah , basically .",1,en
What do you call a russian tree? Dimitree,1,en
What is a composer's favorite vegetable? Bach choy.,1,en
this is how i tell if someone is paying attention. you were not : d,0,en
How do you make a sandwich with crumbly cheese? Very Caerphilly.,0,en
"What grows on Seasame Street? I dunno, a Grover something.",0,en
"You think I'm not online. But, I'm always here. Even if I'm not posting. I'm here. Scrolling...Judging.",0,en
Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.,0,en
"TIL If coral get too stressed, they die. Their primary source of stress? Current events",1,en
"My kids are teenagers, and I've found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.",1,en
Did you hear about the man with a cold who went to a miniature petting zoo? He was feeling a little hoarse.,0,en
What about eggman He died from diabetes,0,en
men mostly hate two words: ' not ' and ' enough ' threedots unless you say them together .,1,en
OC why do doctors check their patients reflexes? Because they get a kick out of it,1,en
I just opened up Microsoft Edge. Now I can download Google Chrome in style,0,en
what do you call a hot dog with a sweater? a chili dog,1,en
What did the sad math teacher say to his class? Please End My Depression And Suffering... ...well he just said PEMDAS. ,0,en
the world is my oyster. too expensive to enjoy every day,0,en
Why are men like blenders? You need one but you're not quite sure why.,1,en
"Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.",0,en
"If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry. You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.",0,en
why didn't the orange want to be eaten? because he wasn't feeling appealing .,1,en
Where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.,1,en
there was a documentary on tv about the world's smallest car. i couldn't get into it,1,en
Americans may not get this. Healthcare,0,en
"Jim: Tim, see if the indicator lights are working. Tim: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no",0,en
i had to change the battery in my clock. it was about time,0,en
Some people say waking up in the morning is really hard. Waking up in the morning is the second hardest thing for me,1,en
"What is the similarity between my girlfriend and my netflix account A number of users so large i lost track of, have full access to it.",0,en
Whats a weightlifters favorite kind of math? AlgeBRUH!,0,en
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris,0,en
how do you make a game of thrones fan sad? you ask them to hold the door for you .,0,en
why does a cucumber has a lot of seed? he has no hands .,1,en
I was wondering why some people drink their coffee without sugar it's sweater than their life,1,en
Why did Columbine lose the basketball tournament? Because they lost two of their best shooters.,1,en
"ask a friend this : "" hey , you ever blow bubbles? "" "" of course i did . "" "" well , i think he enjoyed it . he's back in town and asking for you . """,1,en
"Walking with our phones, we all look like Star Trek crew members trying to get a life form reading on an uncharted planet.",1,en
"Christmas can be make some people feel very lonely. If you are spending Christmas alone this year, please reach out to me. I need to borrow your chairs.",0,en
how much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? an arm and a leg .,1,en
I always wondered what kinda Juice was Juice Wrld Turns out it's vegetable,0,en
Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.,0,en
What do Godzilla and shrimp have in common? They both crustaceans,1,en
"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts. It's half empty",1,en
"Islam is a peaceful religion Peace of them here, peace of them there",1,en
What's the nicest compliment a girl has given you? Once a girl told me she wouldn't press charges if I stopped talking to her. ,1,en
I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis. But they were just arguing semitics,1,en
No matter what place a runner finishes the race.... He always ties his shoes. ,1,en
What has four wheels and flys? A garbage truck.,1,en
People are like songs. some speak the truth and some just make sound,1,en
"Ruffled feathers ahead. What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.",0,en
"Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair...",1,en
My doctor won't go away. I know what you're thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity,1,en
What is the relationship between an old fossil and a paleontologist called? Carbon Dating,1,en
"Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents",1,en
What do a veterinary clinic and kpop fans have in common? Euthanasia,1,en
Fords coming out with heated tailgates. So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home,1,en
Great minds think alike. That's why we have so many opinions in America,1,en
The news about the rainforest in Brasil is Spreading like a running fire,1,en
doctor doctor i feel like a pack of cards. i'll deal with you later,0,en
What should you do if a child is choking? Back up.,0,en
"after a long day, i feel like a bicycle because i'm too tired",1,en
What's the difference between my son and my phone? My phone doesn't cry if I leave it in the car.,0,en
"Apple announced they will be moving their headquarters to Beirut When asked why, they stated the reason being that they do not have windows.",1,en
What was the Seagull's favorite online streaming service? Netfocks,0,en
why couldn't the potato get off the couch? because it was baked .,0,en
why is reddit called reddit? because you've probably read it before .,0,en
"Did you hear the one about Sally and the Truck Horn? Yeah, neither did Sally.",0,en
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard.,1,en
"if a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing ?",1,en
What will be after homo sapiens in evolution? Homo genius.,1,en
"i just cleaned out my purse. so , i'll be having a garage sale later this afternoon",0,en
I heard Facebook is looking to start a program with insurance companies. It'll be called Friends With Benefits,0,en
what is the worst part about being told you have alzheimer's? it never happens just once .,1,en
What is yellow and lives off beetles? Yoko Ono,0,en
what was the best thing kurt cobain ever released? the safety .,1,en
What did the inn keeper say to the Big Dipper when he asked if he could rent a room? sorry this is only a four star hotel.,1,en
"my wife is an archaeologist i met her at a dig site, we carbon dated for a while and the rest is history .",1,en
I don't get it Why is a dishwasher's history also our history?,1,en
bad news : i just stepped on the cat. even worse news : i think i just created a nicki minaj song,1,en
"People often say ""icy"" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, i see why.",1,en
"i don't mean to brag, but i just ate a sandwich without taking a picture if it first .",1,en
What's a poops favorite color? Turdquoise,0,en
what kind of suit does a lawyer like best? the spanish inquisition .,1,en
What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis,1,en
So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night. She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies,1,en
"Today Grindr went down on thousands of people. Fortunately, there was no interruption in service",1,en
There once was a man from Nantucket. who didn't know what a limerick was,0,en
Why does the writer have his desk by the window? He likes to feel the draft coming in. ,1,en
"Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas",1,en
I like my woman like I like this joke. Overused and overrated,0,en
"'Honey, how did the prayer session at the mosque go? ' It went off with a bang.",1,en
I used to think cats had nine lives... ... until I threw one in a wood chipper.,1,en
Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst,1,en
"Teacher: ""Kids, what does the chicken give you? ""Student: ""Meat!""",1,en
"Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that",1,en
"I think it'd be cool to be immortal for a day, just to see what it's like.",0,en
When do cows go to sleep? When it's pasture bedtime,1,en
Why are dentists really good hackers? Because they always get root access.,1,en
My friend met his wife on tinder. It was six months after their wedding,0,en
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.,1,en
what can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? it can look round .,1,en
If einstein's pp is inside a minor He will become epstein,1,en
"i gave away all my dead batteries recently threedots threedots free of charge, of course .",0,en
"if a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman .",1,en
"i ' ve just bought an house in france , southern coast. it ' s very nice",0,en
what did the people call the bad hot dog stand? the wurst !,1,en
What's a reporter's favorite food? Ice cream because they always want a scoop!,0,en
How did they find Anne Frank? One of the German officers dropped a coin and heard a bunch of thuds come from the book case.,1,en
Sayings always said with sarcasm. Any examples? I hate to say I told you so. No sarcasm: I...I truly hate to say I told you so.,1,en
That's a nice ham you got there. It'd be a shame if you put an 's' in front and an 'e' at the end of it,1,en
"my contacts have been very irritating lately, so i deleted them off my phone .",1,en
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing? Groups of fishes are called schools,1,en
if i can make even one person laugh on here then i'm not doing my job. the job i actually get paid for,1,en
What do you get when... what do you get when you mix a joke and a rhetorical question? a rhetorical answer,1,en
"i did my foreign country report on ethiopia. it was really easy , i didn't even have to bring the class food",1,en
what foods are still good the second or third time you've eaten them? i'm looking for food for my human centipede threedots,1,en
"bad scary film I was watching a really poorly done scary movie last night, it was horrorble.",1,en
"getting carried away is usually fun, unless it's by a truck .",1,en
funniest fight ever! just joke videos,0,en
"I wish I knew before the wedding, That my marriage license had an expiry date.",0,en
"Jesus: ""Hey dad what did you think of my crucification?"" God the Father: ""I am very proud of you, you nailed it.""",1,en
every woman has an inbox. she carries it with her just in case she gets male,1,en
Did you hear about the priest who gardens? He tends to it religiously!,1,en
ever wondered what your nose is for? it stops you eyes from sticking together .,1,en
"what did the guy who didn't like vegetables say? "" i don't really carrot all for vegetables . """,1,en
I once was wrestling a guy and had him in a lock but couldn't make him tap out. Sorry for the bad submission,1,en
"Imma be, I'm a be, I'm a be, Imma, Imma, Imma be. Just kidding, Imma wasp",0,en
What type of wind is named after a young deer? Foehn,1,en
"the wind just blew a napkin off my table and down the street. that one's on you , earth",0,en
Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this,0,en
what do you call a spaghetti that went to a pasta party? an impasta,1,en
The King of pop is dead. The King of Snap and Crackle have been taken into protection after police suspect cereal killer,1,en
my friend was being attacked by a duck. i tried to warn him but it only made things worse,1,en
Ever notice that Reddit is obsessed with correcting mistakes? Me to.,0,en
Can we pretend that shooting stars in the night sky are like airplanes? I could sure use comfort that we won't get hit by a meteorite.,1,en
how about an app that keeps track of every working automatic paper towel dispenser in the world? all seven or eight of them .,1,en
Everyone have a Good Friday! ...I'll show myself out,0,en
What do you say to a fig on ice? Fig u're skating,0,en
Buzz Aldrin is the second man on the moon. Neil before me,0,en
"What did the sun god say in apology for all he had done wrong? ""I Apollogize"".",1,en
What do you call an emo a cappella group? Self harmony,1,en
"gf : "" i'm telling you now ! size does not matter , it doesn't make you any less important . "" bf : "" yeah? well explain that to pluto . """,0,en
bad news guys tomorrow is another day,0,en
What's Scotland's BIGGEST cause of depression? Lonely ness.,1,en
I found out I'm part Native American. my beard is Apache,1,en
What's a Latin professor's favorite song? Hit the quam,0,en
Did you know some dogs don't pass the Police Academy? ...they didn't pass the pawlygraph test.,0,en
why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle? there are too many cheetahs . courtesy of the st . louis zoo facebook page .,0,en
"i put out a want ad for a psychic threedots it said, "" you know when and where to show up . don't be late . """,0,en
"if you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink .",0,en
"there are eleven types of people in the world threedots those who understand binary, and ten other types of people .",0,en
"When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.",0,en
What's a Rastafarian's favorite Star Wars character? Jah Jah Binks,1,en
"there is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. well it does exist , and chuck norris finds it delicious",0,en
q : what's the definition of perfect pitch? a : when an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides .,0,en
There is one thing you should never do in a synagogue. Light up a candle.,0,en
why do tennis players have cold hands? they have bad mittens .,1,en
"A man started telling a joke, but he started with the punch line. What did you expect",1,en
If William Shatner and Jason David Frank is in the same scene together. Who gets the close up,0,en
Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again. without looking weird,0,en
I was doing the laundry and had a miscarriage. Im really upset. I still have one more shirt to hang and no more coat hangers..,0,en
What would Matthew McConaughey eat if he were a horse? McConaugHAY,1,en
Why did blonde open a fishcan in a shop? Because on top of it was written : Open here.,0,en
A paleontologist who studies failed ancestral lines. A Faileontologist,1,en
"snowman in the summer what do you call a snowman in the summer? "" a puddle """,1,en
What's the worst part about having two dads? The threesomes,1,en
"is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list ?",0,en
q : how can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? a : by their names .,0,en
"My fortune cookie message read : ""You appeal to a small, select group of confused people"". Uh huh",0,en
What's Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigher.,0,en
when do accountants laugh out loud? when somebody asks for a raise,1,en
I wanted to change my Reddit password from Warriors into Cavs. But Reddit said Too weak,0,en
What's the best thing about little girls? You can flip em over and pretend they're little boys,1,en
Ever have a feeling like you've tasted that mustard before? That's called Dijon Vu.,0,en
where do milk shakes come from? nervous cows !,1,en
"let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth",1,en
What kind of underwear do old people wear? ...Depends.,1,en
What do you call a woman drowning in money? Rich... Also an ambulance.,1,en
"Humans share over fifty percent of dna with bananas Which means In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with eating babies",1,en
why do they make raisin bran commercials? for raisin bran awareness .,0,en
What does a ghost eat for dinner? Spookhetti,0,en
"The only honorable thing I've ever done in my life is this girl named Judy. Although, I'm starting to have doubts she was a real judge",1,en
Why did Opey get fired from his job as a pizza delivery boy? Because Opey never delivered.,0,en
Bikini season is right around the corner. But so is Chipotle,1,en
Teacher: we are going to learn how to succeed. The kid named ceed:,1,en
wanna hear a science joke? psychology,0,en
"it's my wife's birthday tomorrow. she never says anything , but i know it hurts that she gets less gifts because of how close christmas is",0,en
I see ISIS is finally practicing Structured Programming. They're eliminating GOTOs,1,en
"Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it's justified.",1,en
I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting. ' But maybe I'm overreacting,1,en
I once overheard a young girl confess to her mother that she ate all of the chocolate. ...but that's all I hershey said.,0,en
what's the difference between a priest and his dog? one wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants .,1,en
Nature abhors a vacuum... ...but not as much as a cat does.,1,en
"i got a new high score today. sadly , it was on my bathroom scale !",0,en
I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision I only had regular vision,1,en
Handcrafted soap is the best. No lye,1,en
when a skinny man goes diving what do you call it? skinny dipping,1,en
What do you call a pizza chef on an airplane? A flying saucer.,1,en
"A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, 'i would like to see a bikini that fits me' Clerk. 'me too'",1,en
The man who invented distorted mirrors has died. His funeral will be held in asymmetry,1,en
Romeo and Juliet. doc Is a play on word,1,en
Soo. I guess when he asked for my number he didn't mean how many lovers I've had,0,en
why should all teenagers get a case for their cell phones? because they should use protection to practice safe text,1,en
"i told my friend a chemistry joke. he didn't react threedots i wanted to tell my girlfriend , but she doesn't exist",0,en
"excuse me , miss. i'm sure you hear this everyday but threedots threedots do you know where the nearest mcdonald's is ?",0,en
What did the Saudi Arabian man do when women started being allowed to drive? He congratulated his wife and they went out looking for a new car.,1,en
What do you put in a box to make it lighter? Courtney Love,0,en
Why was John Lennon so ashy? Because he was cremated,1,en
"There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, ""Now what? "" He says, ""I dunno...I never got this far.""",0,en
The Holocaust was a better love story than Twilight,1,en
"Quick question. How much of this ""No More Tears"" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying",0,en
Doctor Who was still hungry after dinner. So he went back four seconds,0,en
What was the autistic second grader doing face down on the ground? His absolute best. ,1,en
How do telegraph operators apologize? Remorse code,1,en
The sun is out. So much for global nighting,0,en
My dad once said 'why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids and not the other way around? ' I still laugh...,1,en
I'm balding and my girlfriend is going to leave me but she says I can stay under one condition. I must remane. ,0,en
If your ever thinking a little girls to small Just put it in soft and let the bones pop as it grows,0,en
"who said chivalry is dead, i open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs .",1,en
"I used to think Firestarter was the high point of Keith Flint's talent, but today he topped himself.",0,en
I'd like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands,1,en
How to get rid of karma? Just lock threads in this subreddit and others will do that for you.,0,en
"I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.",0,en
Why did the cautious gambler never go camping? He didn't want to stake his tent.,1,en
"boss : i was listening to some tool on the way to work . me : i talk to myself when i'm driving sometimes too, it's ok . boss : just get out .",1,en
what do tinder and seafood restaurants have in common? both are good places to find catfish,1,en
Has anyone seen War for the Planet of the Apes? Its a really great eye opening documentary on the Civil War,0,en
"what's the difference between steve jobs and bill gates? bill gates never got a mac , but steve jobs got pc .",1,en
"inmate : "" what are you in for? "" me : "" a real treat , i hope . """,1,en
What is Lil Wayne's favorite food? Caesar salad,0,en
this barbecue must be amazing. everything is at steak,0,en
What is something the Black sea can't do? Breathe,0,en
Why is a hamburger better than a shooting star? It's meteor.,0,en
what are the symptoms of amnesia? i can't remember,1,en
What jumps up and down in front of a car? Froglights !,0,en
Interviewer: Any special skills? Me: Eclairvoyance. Him: I don't understand. Me: There's a box of donuts in your desk Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH,1,en
Did you hear about the actress that got stabbed last night? Reese... Reese something...,0,en
What's the difference between a goat and a kid? My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising two of my goats.,1,en
What do kids and tattoos have in common? They're both said to be permanent but can be removed with lasers,1,en
"If you love something,, let it go. That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body",0,en
What do you call hand warmers scattered throughout a room? Intermittens.,1,en
"Do you know what's the thing with ""Deputy Moderator""? No really, do you know ?",1,en
what do you call two straight days of rain in seattle? the weekend !,1,en
my boss kept saying he's dating himself. i told him he could do better,1,en
"My friend told me Alan Rickman had passed away. I said ""You're joking? "".... ...She replied ""Nope. Dead Sirius.""",1,en
why does nobody like a rich stone? because he takes everything for granite .,1,en
"What's the best thing about a poet in a prison? Oh you know, it has its prose and cons. Badum Tish. Be gentle, first time here.",1,en
gambling has brought our family together. we had to move to a smaller house,1,en
"A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really",0,en
"don't cry, that onion didn't deserve you anyways .",0,en
What does Sting call texting? Sending out an SMS,1,en
"i'd hate to be rock, and have to come home and explain to my kids how i got beat by paper .",0,en
Cows cannot eat the round bales of hay. They need a square meal.,1,en
I had to fire my tennis doubles partner today. I told him his services were no longer required,1,en
"What did Captain Ahab say when he harpooned a whale's tail fin on the first try? ""Well that was a fluke.""",1,en
"this poster that says "" green day: sold out "" is right in two ways",1,en
My mum says I don't know anything about colourless gases. But ammonia little boy,0,en
what do you call a late teacher? mr . bus,1,en
What do you call an Italian guy whos afraid of cheese? Alfredo,1,en
Professor: Today's exam is written. Next week we will do oral Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND,1,en
"my dog forgot it's mother's day, again .",0,en
"if you're in an indoor shooting range and it starts burning down, what do you yell to warn everyone ?",1,en
i have two identical watches. i've got time to spare,1,en
"why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? cause if you dragged them by the feet , they'd fill up with dirt .",1,en
Why don't you ask about the home life of a filing cabinet? It's usually a sorted affair.,1,en
"a woman is in an abusive relationship . she's talking to her friend one day . her friend asks , "" why do you stay with him? "" she replies , "" beats me ! """,1,en
"hungary should take over turkey if asked why, they would say "" because we are ' hungary ' """,1,en
My math teacher puts a D on my paper I returned the favour,1,en
"my bra is off , my pajamas are on , my hair is up. i'm not sure if i'm going to bed , or to walmart",1,en
q : what did the thermometer say to the other thermometer? a : you make my temperature rise .,0,en
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it,1,en
What do you call a film director with crabs? Alfred Itchcock.,1,en
which people do the burgers hate? the ones who are always putting the bite on them !,0,en
"i'm a humble person , really. i'm actually much greater than i think i am",1,en
"when you have kids, "" sleeping in "" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was .",1,en
Where do bee's go to the bathroom? At the BP station.,0,en
"Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.",0,en
why didn't the astronauts stay on the moon? because it was a full moon and there was no room .,1,en
"Abortion is a difficult topic for me. On one hand, I support it because it kills children, on the other, I don't because it gives woman a choice",1,en
I recently gave up smoking. I'm really Indiana Jonesin' for a smoke,0,en
what do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs? irrelephant .,0,en
Where do two electrons race? On a circuit,1,en
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.,1,en
"If there's more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali? I just want to be ready.",0,en
I've always wanted a dinosaur. So I threw my lizard in the microwave.,1,en
Why couldn't Cauchy lose any weight? Because every time he saw a street pole he imagined two pies.,1,en
"My heart goes out to all those frustrated people who are stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...",0,en
What do you call a butler with a new set of teeth? An endentured servant,1,en
i was recently asked about my views on euthanasia. i said they all look the same to me,1,en
"I've never liked barnacles, but since I moved to the harbour they've started to grow on me.",1,en
Why can't you shop in the UAE? There's nothing Dubai.,0,en
"There's no gangsta way to say ""Oopsie Daisy. "" I know that now",0,en
"I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat",1,en
What did the Golden Gate bridge say to the Golden Gate river he he broke up with her. I'm over you.,0,en
"How many ears does Daniel Boone have? He's got a right ear, a left ear, and a frontier.",1,en
What does going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get the meaty bit.,1,en
Did you hear the Miami Heat's new theme song? It's absolute fire,1,en
Who is the only superhuman Frozone can't deal with? Thor.,0,en
how many tickles does it take to pleasure an anime character? ten .,0,en
why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark? professional courtesy .,1,en
Why can't dormant volcanoes erupt? They have eruptile dysfunction,1,en
want to hear something clean ? i took a bath with bubbles. want to hear something dirty ? bubbles is my neighbor,0,en
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet? To boldly go where no man has been before !,0,en
How many fams does it take to get the sky lit? Just one sun,0,en
what would i be if i were twice myself? a meme .,1,en
"what can you sit on , brush your teeth with , and eat soup with? a chair , a toothbrush , and a spoon .",1,en
I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas. It's a once in a lifetime experience,1,en
Him: Whatcha thinkin about? Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.,0,en
"if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito",1,en
people tell me sharing is caring. good thing i don't care,1,en
what do you call a musician with a college degree? night manager at mcdonalds .,1,en
"cat : human , congratulations , i've chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. if at some point you cannot breathe , do not wake me",0,en
"dance like nobody's watching . do the dishes like nobody's watching . change into that robe like nobody's watching . no, the other one .",0,en
Did you guys see the new Mad Max prequel? It was playing on every channel last night,0,en
Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length? It keeps you regular.,1,en
"At this point, it's kind of embarrassing if your pet isn't a YouTube sensation.",0,en
what kind of bar do fish go to? a sand bar .,1,en
Is there a shorter word for monosyllabic? Credit: Stephen Wright,1,en
what do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy? a nietzsche market !,1,en
what makes a glow worm glow? a light meal !,0,en
my friend keeps hiding disney films in my lunch. i'm fed up,1,en
What's the difference between a paint bucket and a baby? A paint bucket can have more than inside...,0,en
"By now, I'm pretty sure Scott Weiland was right. He's half the man he used to be",0,en
Why wasn't the Achilles invited into the body? Because it was already attendin'.,0,en
A man's home is his castle... in a manor of speaking.,0,en
did you hear about the musician who couldn't even pay to be in tune? he was only a few cents off .,1,en
What did the alien say to the gardener? Take me to your weeder.,0,en
"a cabbage , a faucet , and a tomato had a race. the cabbage was ahead , the faucet was running , and the tomato tried to catch up",1,en
what do you call a dead baby floating in the middle of the ocean? bait .,1,en
What does a cow and a stone have in common? They're both a woman,1,en
My psychic friend told me that she could tell me what my favourite band is. I said No Doubt,1,en
It would be funny if we discover there are inhabitants on the comet. they would be comedians,1,en
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip,1,en
"excuse me , waiter. is my order almost ready to instagram ?",0,en
Is that a gun or a firework? Depends on how close you are to a school. ,1,en
"i have a very open mind, people tell me they can feel a breeze when they sit next to me .",1,en
"some people talk the talk , others walk the walk. and here i am , a mute in a wheelchair",0,en
why can't cats live on mars? because curiosity kills the cat .,1,en
i feel bad for airport security workers. i'm going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear,1,en
Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.,1,en
"So my science teacher started class today with ""Relative Dating. "" It's like prom night in Kentucky",1,en
What's the most dangerous game? Hide and seek with Robert hansen ,0,en
what's the difference between my face and my jokes? people laugh at my face .,1,en
Idk what to say to someone after they've lost a kid So I just let my lawyer talk,0,en
"What do you get when you have a great Dane, a Clydesdale, and a Prostitute? A huge dog and pony show",1,en
"when i'm mad at my kid, i don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch .",1,en
How does Winnie the Pooh open his honey pot? With his bear hands. Thank the Chive for that one.,0,en
"If you watch an Apple store get robbed, Does that make you an iWitness?",1,en
CSI Alabama was a failure . . . . . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.,1,en
"a guy was so bored he broke a watch with his bare hands. then he said "" i've got too much time on my hands """,1,en
What kind of car does an alien drive? An E.T. Cruiser.,1,en
"I was skeptical Apple was using child labor until my iPod arrived and engraved on it was, ""Help! So hungry! Send Lunchables!""",1,en
"the average woman would rather be beautiful, than smart threedots because the average man can see better than he can think",1,en
What vegetables do plumbers hate the most? Leeks,1,en
what happens when you're singing in the shower and get soap in your mouth? it becomes a soap opera,1,en
Has anyone else's world ended yet? Mayan hasn't.,0,en
"Two blondes are driving. The first blonde asks, ""Is my blinker working? "" The second blonde checks the dashboard and responds, ""Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.""",1,en
"the best argument for "" the sequel is never as good as the original "" is birds v. dinosaurs",1,en
Adam awoke from a deep sleep... He was up and Adam.,0,en
"My Guitar E string broke. On another note, the D String is fine",1,en
how can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? when it comes out in conversation .,1,en
What's a butcher's favourite film? Silence of the Lambs.,0,en
"So ladies, Oscar Pistorius is single. and he is",0,en
why did the book critic give the road a bad review? too many plot holes .,1,en
Why does Germany build the best waste incineration plants? They did six million tests.,1,en
How many books can a blind man read? Brailly any!,0,en
why did the octopus blush? he'd just seen the bottom of the ocean !,0,en
"interview tip : maintain eye contact. if they try to look at documents , put your head between them and the documents",1,en
"I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van",1,en
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.,0,en
What do you call all of Trump's failed businesses arranged in a circle? Orange,0,en
"i know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way i like them ?",0,en
how much room is needed for fungi to grow? as mushroom as possible,1,en
what do you call a mistake in a soup recipe? a Pho pas,1,en
Waxing. Not a cure for lycanthropy,1,en
To make a delicious omlette. you must be an eggspert,0,en
how does everyone have so much to say? all i want to do is eat and stare at stuff .,1,en
"Don't succumb to peer pressure. . . . . . . Remember, none of your friends do.",0,en
"username walks into a hotel threedots and asks for a room . a few days later he leaves . i guess you could say, username checks out .",0,en
Traps are like transformers There's more than meets the eye.,1,en
Why are German ovens better than ours? Theirs actually solved problems.,1,en
doctor doctor i keep seeing an insect spinning around. don't worry it's just a bug that's going around !,1,en
"What do Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and LeBron James have in common that led to their success in the NBA? Hard work and dedication.",1,en
"If the Dove is ""The Bird Of Peace"" What's the bird of love? The Swallow.",1,en
"Teacher: ""Simon, can you say your name backwards? "" Simon: ""No Mis""",1,en
"Evening news is where they begin with Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.",1,en
"i saw a hot dog vendor today threedots she was good looking, but i don't really want a dog .",0,en
"Due to my obsessive reading I have a wonderful vocabulary of words I can't use in conversation, because I don't know how to pronounce them.",1,en
What does Tammy Wynette do to beat the heat? Stands by her fan.,1,en
""" i'm dreaming about mashed potatoes "" oh because thanksgiving is tomorrow "" no, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual """,0,en
Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice? He was a sherbet!,0,en
Why did the priest stop picking up young boys with his car? His catholic converter broke,1,en
"My friend : it's a tragedy , i actually listen to avicii. Me : you still can.",0,en
"Pinocchio boarded a bus in Rome. The bus was full of priests, except for one seat. Pinocchio took the seat and said"" Thank god I'm not a real boy!!""",1,en
"ten times i've watched that episode of friends where rachel has the baby, just so i'll be emotionally ready when my wife delivers tomorrow .",0,en
What's the fastest way to get to India Close your eyes ,0,en
"Wife: Where did all this glitter come from? Me: Jake, at State Farm.",0,en
Why is it called wife exchange and not husband exchange? Because only properties are traded.,1,en
What do you do when you want to hold a bunny? You grabbit.,0,en
"if a hipster falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it does it make a sound? yeah , but you've probably never heard it",0,en
What's the difference between Marcus Mariota and Floyd Mayweather? Best Duck Ever.,0,en
"Daddy, where do oranges come from? Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other...",0,en
What pool never runs dry? The one on the Titanic.,0,en
I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing. I call it portmantuition,1,en
"Bruce Jenner just said in his press conference that he is moving to London. When asked why, he said... ...he has always wanted to live abroad.",1,en
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants,1,en
What gets louder as is gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.,0,en
"My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. ""Eleven,"" I replied. ""Wow! You must be a player,"" she laughed. ""No,"" I said, ""I'm their coach.""",1,en
How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match? Good jab.,1,en
"This year's most overused TV line: ""It's complicated. "" It means absolutely nothing",1,en
"tweets are like your children: you love them all at first , you never know how they'll age , and most of them you regret creating .",0,en
q : what do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? a : will the defendant please rise .,0,en
"Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?",0,en
alarm clock that releases spiders threedots now you're up. million dollar idea,0,en
"""Always a housewife, never a house,"" the shed sighs as she's installed next to a mansion. No one was ever going to call her ""home""",1,en
I asked the cute doctor if she'd visit me when I left the hospital. She said she couldn't because she doesn't like graveyards.,1,en
What's a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark? A period because it marks the end of his sentence.,1,en
"I was the top student at Ninja school, but I failed because they kept marking me absent.",1,en
"If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.",1,en
What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat? Thistle have to do!,0,en
"Harry Potter was on last night, i decided to click on the subtitles so i could watch the movie and read the book at the same time",0,en
What does the dot on an Indian woman's forehead signify? Coffee's ready,1,en
Reddit is a lot like being married. You are free to express your opinion on anything you like but you will quickly be informed as to why you are wrong,0,en
"What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass? ""Hey! Look at the cow's nest!""",1,en
"Time travel I solved a complicated algorithm which could send us back in time, watch. I solved a complicated algorithm which could send us back in time",1,en
What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation? Where my dogs at,1,en
What is a chiropractor's favorite movie? Thoracic Park,0,en
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus !,0,en
why didn't the clam share his ipod? he was shellfish .,0,en
What do you call a frightened nun? A nervous habit,1,en
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.,0,en
Disney started filming the live action remake of Hunchback of Notre Dame today Not sure why they started with the ending but who am I to judge,1,en
Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs? He was always horsing around.,1,en
Is venison deer? No really. Only paid a couple of bucks.,1,en
What happens when a plant is sad? The other plants have to photosympathize with it,1,en
"I'm so single, the variables I declare are double.",1,en
I'm Trying Out Something New and Dating People Regardless of Their Gender: We'll see how it Pans out.,1,en
what is the hamburgers ' motto? if at first you don't succeed fry fry again !,0,en
why shouldn't you shower with a pokemon? it might pikachu .,0,en
What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.,1,en
What did the network engineer give to his fiancee? A token ring.,0,en
how do crows know what time is it? they have the knights watch .,1,en
What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late? Your spinning me a yarn here !,0,en
q : what is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? a : it's all in the grip .,0,en
pro tip : do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. the fire department will not think its adorable,0,en
"why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships? because they're always trying to find the x . they don't know y , either .",1,en
Why isn't an iPhone charger... ...called Apple Juice?,0,en
i went to a seafood disco once. And I pulled a mussel,1,en
"he who goes forth with a fifth on the fourth, may not come forth on the fifth !",0,en
"""You need to understand, you can't run away from your problems,"" I said to the mod. He didn't reply. He just sat in his wheelchair and sobbed.",1,en
"Note to self: in future, put stripper in novelty oversized cake AFTER baking.",0,en
What do you call a Hebrew that lives in the Alpines? A Mountain Jew.,1,en
I was hungry and drank breastmilk from my sister. She was fine but asked me to save something for our daughter too.,0,en
Why did the mathematician move to Seattle? He liked LaGrange bands,1,en
Should I be worried? My son just filed the serial number off his squirt gun.,0,en
what do you call a dead fly? a flew,1,en
What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic? A Warsaw,1,en
What do you call a female singer with a birth defect? Cerebral Halsey,1,en
what did the russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? electricity .,1,en
"When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive",0,en
What do they teach at a drum clinic? The rhythm method! ,1,en
"have you heard the one about the ceiling? nevermind , it's over your head",0,en
My friend from Prague is a writer. He likes to use Spellczech,1,en
If you don't know what introspection is... you need to take a long hard look at yourself.,0,en
what goes up and down but does not move? stairs,0,en
What is a Catholic priest's dream second job? Warden at juvenile detention center.,1,en
In what form of writing is killing the main character a good idea? An Autobiography.,1,en
"When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.",1,en
What do you call a quarantined subreddit? I'm legit looking for the official name. Please help me,1,en
"""No Kanye, it's called Coney Island."" ""Kanye Island."" ""Coney Island"" ""Kanye Island."" ""Co... ney."" ""Kan... ye.""",1,en
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's baton? A magicians wand is used for cunning stuns.,1,en
why was the ghost sad? a lot of different reasons .,0,en
""" why did u jump off that bridge ? "" my friend did it too "" well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u ? "" yes. i literally just said that",1,en
"an old jewish man asked me for directions. i didn't really care where he was going , so i told him it was straight on until the third reich",1,en
Did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid? Well I hear he's back in town. Source: The Amazing Jeffery,0,en
"People don't realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I'm late to take FLARDFULL and ODMJUK on their play date",1,en
My wife is finally shaved down there... That's one upside of cancer.,0,en
i don't care what people think of me. at least mosquitoes find me attractive,1,en
"So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?",1,en
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want,1,en
"Dear Evolution, It's a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?",0,en
where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? in an american nursing home .,0,en
"i have, a really beautiful body under my floor boards",1,en
Where do cat astronauts go? Meowterspace,0,en
did you hear about the lactose intolerant man who ate a whole wheel of cheese? it was not gouda for him later .,1,en
"what is green and goes slam , slam , slam , slam? a four door pickle !",0,en
Entropy. Enjoy it while it lasts,0,en
whats the difference between facebook and reddit? about two hours .,0,en
so glad i don't have to hunt for food. i don't even know where sandwiches live,1,en
What did the nurse who knocked on the pregnant lady's door say? Womb Service!,0,en
"What's the best way to find an Iraqi kid lost in a field? Well, I don't really have a strategy. Looking for the legs first usually works.",1,en
"i'm beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it'll be because it has to use my bathroom .",1,en
"I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.",0,en
"i hope at the end of the movie, batman and superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other .",0,en
"What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? ""Looks like rein dear""",0,en
What do you call a scientist that measures things in space? A cosmetrologist.,1,en
"When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I'm with what I want to eat, I respond ""Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.""",1,en
Comment on this post If you think the mods are amazing.,0,en
did you all hear about the cold air balloon? it didn't really take off,1,en
What do you call a pirate who solves mysteries? A pirate aye!,1,en
"brains are wonderful, i wish everyone had one .",0,en
Fetty Wap could probably get more girls. Too bad he's not much of a looker,0,en
"I'm in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.",0,en
The assistant at anatomy museum is afraid that students might lose the bones. I'm afraid that he might discover that he has extra bones.,1,en
What did the clone troopers say after they killed Aayla Secura? Bye Felucia,0,en
A family in the Netherlands claims to be the biggest group of Oasis fans in the world. They call themselves the van der Walls,1,en
what's the difference between a gun and a wife? you can silence a gun .,0,en
Did you hear about that car that runs on seafood? I heard it's very efishient,1,en
i got the job even though i kept telling them i'm not a plumber. it took awhile to sink in,1,en
"i don't always kill spiders, sometimes i stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding",1,en
Where would you find Percy Miller's toothbrush? In his Master P room.,0,en
Was at a zoo in Shanghai this morning when several animals escaped..  Absolute pandamonium.,0,en
how do you confuse a fish? you put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner !,0,en
what do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? an alarm cluck !,1,en
what do you have to do to have beautiful hands? nothing .,0,en
Ariara grande was left on tears from the Manchester attacks While Her fans were in bits,1,en
this joke i made up while in the shower what's the difference between my shower and everyone? my shower gets turned on by me .,1,en
"ladies if it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are",1,en
"If the people that drink it are any indication, Diet Coke does not work.",1,en
"If you wear a ship's captain's hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs",1,en
If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor ...that's the bear minimum.,0,en
The U.S. Mens Curling Team Won the Gold The only time men hold brooms,1,en
"If you want something to be misinterpreted, post it on the Internet.",0,en
what's an old woman taste like? depends threedots,0,en
I really like some metamorphic rocks. They're the schist,1,en
"i was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill , but it lost momentum. it still has potential",0,en
Interviewer:Do you have time for a question? A: Yes...but...do...you...have...time...for...my...answer,1,en
Why didn't the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock...,0,en
You know why pro smash players were excited to see Steve in Smash? Because he's a miner,1,en
i am learning from my mistake now. my son taught me maths today,0,en
My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime. I haven't heard from him since,0,en
I was wondering how the truck was getting so big. Then it hit me,0,en
i work at a coin factory. it just makes cents to me,1,en
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound. Turns out she was just vacuuming,0,en
"How do u greet a depressed man? Hey dude, hows it hangin?",0,en
"this sushi restaurant has the worst service ever . "" sir, this is an aquarium . """,1,en
"I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was... And she hits me with a ""It's like it's MAMMorey foam! "" line. I was quite impressed.",1,en
what did little john cena say to his primary school teacher when she gave him his report card? you can't c me !,0,en
"Who was the worlds first capenter? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.",0,en
Did you hear about what happened to Mrs Butterworth when she ran out of syrup? It was waffle,0,en
i thought i wanted to get married again. then i laughed and remembered why i shouldn't think,1,en
All things in moderation. Unless no one's looking,1,en
"As a Jew, I love bagels. They're one of the holeyest foods",1,en
Where can a baby rest and fit inside just right while being nice and warm? A microwave.,0,en
What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language? Anticlimactic,1,en
What do New York McDonald's employees and people who read Ulysses have in common? Liberal Arts Degrees.,1,en
Why should you never build a commercial district in a crater? You'd have an economy in a depression.,1,en
what do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship? carbon dating,1,en
whats the difference between paul walker and tiger woods? tiger woods has a better driver .,0,en
i find it hard to dress casually. i always get emotionally involved,1,en
"Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.",1,en
Do you know any snake jokes? 'cause I serpently don't.,1,en
q : when should you charge a battery? a : when you can't pay cash .,0,en
customer : why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write ? me : wanna buy my book ? them : no. me : that's why i own a hot dog stand,1,en
What do you call the mercury mine? Hg wells,1,en
"What did one tonsil say to the other? Get dressed, the doctor is taking us out tonight!",0,en
never trust a depressed elevator. it'll only bring you down,0,en
newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. try that with an ipad,0,en
"For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can't even right now, obvs press THREE.",0,en
"Bill Gates And Windows John To Bill Gates: Can You Explain Me. Your Surname Is ""Gates"" And You Are Doing Business Of ""Windows""",1,en
What's Shakespeare's favorite video game? Sonnet the hedgehog,0,en
When is the one time when no doesn't mean no? When a woman rejects feminism.,1,en
did you hear about the suicidal comedian? he fell flat .,1,en
What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub? .....Add your laundry.,0,en
"met with a girl on tinder , turns out her eyes were on her elbows instead of her face. she looked different than i thought she would",1,en
What do you call a biscuit on a motorbike? A bikkie.,1,en
What is space like without a space suit? Breathtaking,0,en
i accidentally popped your first balloon. the second was my favorite,0,en
I'm having real problems with a sleep paralysis condition lately. In fact ..Its turning out to be a nightmare.,0,en
what do you call a pool full of details? the specific ocean .,1,en
teacher : what's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air? pupil : it's stolen !,0,en
how does a bakery know when to make more bread? on a knead the dough basis,1,en
"if you think you're frustrated, try teaching an italian sign language .",0,en
what do you call a guy from china who is confused? disoriented .,1,en
where do religious cattle go to eat? out to pastor .,1,en
The best part of the paralympics Where the prosthetics light their arm for the torch.,1,en
"if you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it .",0,en
"When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight. to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs",1,en
I went to Cairo on the recommendation of my family doctor but contrary to popular belief i could not find a single Cairo practic,1,en
Why is the story of the Mayan Sacrifice girl so sad? Because she died a virgin!,0,en
how do you lead a horse to water? with carrots,1,en
which u.s . state has the smallest soft drinks? minnesota .,1,en
how did the homeless handicap child die? alone,1,en
I forgot to take my wallet out of my pants in the washer. I have committed money laundering,1,en
Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia? Because it's pretty basic stuff.,1,en
what do you call fake spaghetti? impasta .,1,en
something people in mcdonalds have ? fries. something people in mcdonalds don't have ? ankles,0,en
What do you call a Kardassian on a boat? ...A sea Gul,1,en
Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.,1,en
"a dance club by night and coffee house by day, called bump and grind .",1,en
"How did the dyslexic American mathematician sing the first line of his national anthem? ""Oh secant, you say?""",1,en
"why was the man with no arms or legs the best party host? because no matter what , when you get to the front door you will always see a welcome matt .",0,en
now let me tell you a joke about a hair dryer threedots threedots nah nevermind. it blows,0,en
What's the difference between a police baton and a magic wand? Ones used for cunning stunts.,1,en
A friend of mine wanted me to recommend a TV series that 'ends with a bang. ' I told him he might like Cowboy Bebop,1,en
i'll never understand the appeal of tv shows about food. to me that's like listening to the victoria secret fashion show on the radio,1,en
"I passed my hepatitis test with flying colours! I got an A, two B's and a C",1,en
My dog is pregnant I'm so excited! I am going to be a father,0,en
What type of transporter does Mr. Scott use? A Beemer.,1,en
my grandad invented the roller coaster. but the cups just slide off the coffee table,1,en
How do you call a game console named after an MMA fighter? Nate DS,0,en
"what's red like a strawberry , hard like beef jerky , smells like vinegar , and is found under your bed? me neither . help .",0,en
i use a sword to argue with people. they usually get my point,1,en
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for... I can never get a straight answer.,1,en
what do we want ? procrastination! when do we want it ? we will get around to it sooner or later .,1,en
can people using windows play games online with people with using mac? depends on the wifi at starbucks .,1,en
"What's Mohammed, Moses and Noah's favourite dessert? Propheteroles",0,en
watched the interview about back to future with the cast Michel J. Fox was shaking he was so excited,1,en
"i never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back .",0,en
it's thanksgiving ! who doesn't like turkey? russia .,0,en
you ever seen a polish trailer? and threedots here we are .,0,en
What's Adam Levine's favorite holiday? Halloween Halloween Halloween!,0,en
"I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels",1,en
What are a Corporation's Favourite Letters? Capital I's,0,en
I like giving homeless people gum So they can chew something and still be hungry,1,en
Capitalization. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse,1,en
Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings? He wanted more Monet in his wallet.,1,en
"If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.",0,en
Scientists identified intelligent DNA in a blonde. The highest concentration was found in the stomach. ,1,en
In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There's apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today,1,en
did you hear about the roman who got a c in math? he got a perfect score !,0,en
"Have you heard about the humble farmer? He's a grower, not a shower.",0,en
how is your job and your wife different? i don't mind telling work the other jobs i've done,1,en
One injured in Greyhound rollover in Texas. But the rest of the puppies are fine,1,en
How does Jennifer Lopez like her cheese? From the block.,0,en
Why do flamingos stand on one leg? Because if they didn't they'd fall over.,1,en
does anyone have experience flipping tables? im sure i do .,0,en
To anyone that complains about being treated unfairly due to the color of their skin: Lighten up.,1,en
What is public school in Kansas called? It's called Arkansas,1,en
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common An expectation date,1,en
did you hear the one about the invisible knife? i couldn't see the point !,0,en
You know a girl is right for you when. You know a girl is right for you when she is complimentary,0,en
Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church? He was invited to thunday math.,0,en
"punctuation can really change a sentence. for example , "" let's eat kids "" becomes "" let's eat punctuation """,1,en
eat local. your neighbor's food,0,en
what's the coolest kind of surgery? hip surgery .,1,en
I brought lunch for my colleagues as penalty for failing No Nut November. At least they did not know I failed it to the lady in my basement.,1,en
"tacos always smell like love, but love doesn't always smell like tacos .",1,en
What kind of car does a viking drive? A fjord,1,en
"did you ask her out ? yes . and ? she only dates guys named matt . cause she likes to walk all over them ? no, tattoo she can't afford to remove .",0,en
What do you do in a master bathroom? Masterbathe.,0,en
"I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.",1,en
"Hi welcome to Hollister, would you like a flashlight?",0,en
"i always feel like i'm wasting a text message whenever i respond with just "" k. "" now i write "" potassium "" instead",1,en
What do you call a social media influencer with the stomach flu? An influenzer,1,en
"I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley. After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons",1,en
fish must really like poetry. they like things that are deep,1,en
"The upvotes have spoken. The bot has been removed, and it's time for you all to pick my user flair. Comment with the most upvotes wins. No bamboozle",0,en
"mario and luigi fight to the death, in "" the plunger games "" .",1,en
what brand of underwear did jesus wear? fruit of the womb,1,en
What do you call the indistinct ghost of a winemaker? A hazy shade of a vintner.,1,en
what did the indian chief say when his dog jumped off the cliff? dog gone,1,en
What's the one thing pacifism and Hinduism have in common? Those who practice them don't want any beef with people.,1,en
"There's a fox in our garden! I mean a real fox, not a sexy person! Although, I am also now in the garden. There are two foxes in our garden!",0,en
question : how many men does it take to mop the floor? answer : none it's a women's job .,1,en
"one head is ok, but a whole body is much better .",0,en
"My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.",1,en
why was the blind guy always so happy? he couldn't see any reason not to be !,0,en
If i've liked this girl for a while Do I ask her out or do it the bill cosby way,1,en
last night i went to a comedy and philosophy convention. laughed more than i thought,1,en
what does korean food taste like? chinese food .,1,en
My mate Dave lost his job at the abortion clinic last week when it was closed for the duration. Poor guy now has to buy food for his dog.,0,en
"why women live longer than men? because shopping never causes heart attacks , but paying bills does .",1,en
What do you call a Spanish man who has just got out of hospital? Manuel...,1,en
Why did Siegfried and Roy close their bakery? A batch of Tiger bread turned on them.,0,en
interviewer : we offer great benefits. me : can i take my two weeks vacation before i start ?,1,en
What do you call a frugal Transformer? Optimus Dime.,1,en
q : did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms? a : he said they came in handy .,0,en
Jokes about sugar are rare...  Jokes about brown sugar...demerara...,1,en
How do you know that the drum riser is level? The drummer dribbles out of both corners of his mouth,1,en
I'm Checking My Prostate. At least that's what I'll say if I'm caught.,1,en
A Trekkie camped outside the Reddit booth at Comic Con for days... Just to show off his Original Khan Tent,1,en
what happened when the computer fell on the floor? it slipped a disk .,0,en
Where did the chess player go when he lost one of his chess pieces? The pawn shop.,1,en
Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee,0,en
"An Indian man died after hearing the price of pulses. The Doctor wrote ""high pulse rate"" as the cause of death",1,en
"Those boots are made for walking? Wow, so are most boots. Give me a call when they're made for castrating antelope or something.",1,en
"what did batman tell robin before robin got in the car? "" hey robin get in the car "" !",0,en
"Isn't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.",1,en
Need an outlet for your anger? Sometimes have an uncontrollable itch to hit something? Get into boxing! Or get a girlfriend. Same thing.,1,en
What do you do when you'r wife is screaming at you in the living room Shorten the chain from the kitchen,0,en
"Why are children and the apostles similar? Some children have imaginary friends, and the apostles have an imaginary friend named Jesus. ",1,en
i've got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. i'm trying to calculate the odds,1,en
"What did the ancient Romans yell on the golf course? ""IV!""",1,en
"on a perfect date , what question do you ask a girl twice? so threedots can i come inside",0,en
What's it called when a man cums inside a woman when in Massachusetts? Boston Cream Pie,1,en
Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail? Because it needs bailing out.,1,en
What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw,1,en
what do bees do with their honey? they cell it .,1,en
start with the answer. what's an easy way to ruin a good joke ?,0,en
There is a problem with US school shootings The shooters never know how to aim,1,en
"get two dogs and name them ' one ' and ' two '. because if one runs away , you'll still have two",0,en
"If ""You are what you eat"" is true... Disabled people need to lay off the vegetables",1,en
"Your friend Mark draws on your word. Mark, my word!",0,en
What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton? They are both soft and crumble under pressure.,1,en
Cool fact You can block the bots that autobot summons so you can actually read the comments in the future posts.,0,en
why were all the girls looking at the piece of paper? because it was ripped .,1,en
what does the beginning of the german alphabet start with? not z .,1,en
I was going to write a joke about the pentagon. But I gave up when I couldn't find the right angle,1,en
i went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me. it took a lot longer than i thought it would,1,en
did you hear the one about the three eggs? too bad .,0,en
"me: ""we commemorate the day you died every year"" jesus: ""thats nice, what's the day called?"" me: jesus: me: jesus: ""keith?"" me: ""bad friday""",1,en
What's one thing Rolf Harris couldn't do? Tie his kangaroo down,0,en
"Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm. but I wasn't finished",0,en
q : what did the blonde's dentist find? a : teeth in the cavity .,0,en
i was talking to a north african girl in her native language for hours. we just clicked,0,en
Where do tv's go on vacation? To remote Islands,1,en
i like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. that way i don't have to get out of bed to get them a drink,1,en
"Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.",1,en
why did your sister feed money to her cow? because she wanted to get rich milk .,0,en
"remember , children. the best way to get a puppy for christmas is to beg for a baby brother",0,en
what is the difference between a girl and a pool table? you have a shot with a pool table .,0,en
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don't know what Juno was doing in their dreams,0,en
What city loves to eat sandwiches? Koldcutta,0,en
why did van gogh become a painter? because he didn't have an ear for music .,1,en
my therapist told me i lack focus. i told him i liked his new desk,1,en
What's the difference between a gorrila pit and Mordor? One does not simply walk into Mordor,1,en
"my ex was an absolute treasure. by treasure , i mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her",0,en
"I told a bunch of people an ultrasound joke, but nobody laughed. I guess they didn't hear it.",1,en
"What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon Edit: Welp, finally popped my Platinum cherry. Thank you, stranger!",0,en
do you like icecream? then maybe you should marry it,0,en
How do painters stay warm? They add another coat.,1,en
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?,1,en
What's the difference between a computer and a cop? One has troubleshooting.,1,en
"What's a virgin's favorite Christmas song? ""Single Bells""",1,en
Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night. She stood him up,0,en
I started seeing a therapist about my fear of bridges. Turns out I have severe truss issues,1,en
"i can't stand this long distance relationship anymore. fridge , you're coming to my room",0,en
I used to really like entropy jokes But now I feel like they're spread too thin.,1,en
did you hear about the constipated dyslexic? he had trouble moving his elbows .,1,en
A Dietitian X Nun's favourite song? Agave Maria,1,en
"Roses are red, I'm feeling blue There's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo",0,en
""" we met in church. "" lies we tell kids",1,en
What do you milk you can't see? Pasteurized milk.,1,en
"i looked up "" my future as an electrician "". it was very bright",1,en
Anyone know someone who owns an ark? I think I Noah guy...,0,en
what do you get a man who has everything? a good urologist .,1,en
What's a Catholic's favorite way to send money? PayPal,0,en
I was gonna make a pun. But the stress of making them is unbearable,0,en
Despite constantly dropping the ball. Gravity is pretty reliable,1,en
"So I heard that Ariana Grande has cancelled the rest of her tour... Its a shame, her last show really blew the roof off.",0,en
eating noodles while studying for a test? that's so ramen .,1,en
What is white and disturbes your dinner? An avalanche.,0,en
why do you want to be buried at sea? because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave .,0,en
I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either,1,en
My friend turned up to my costume party dressed as an abacus. I knew I could count on him,1,en
"here , take my advice. it's not like i'm using it threedots",0,en
"whenever your ex says, "" you'll never find someone like me . "" you reply with "" that's the point . """,1,en
What batteries do turtles use? Durashells,1,en
My mate asked why I've got a Neo costume in my closet; so I told him about the time his sister said she'd only give it up for 'the one'...,1,en
Being a vegan makes no sence. My food is vegan so I dont have to be. Edit: Sense,0,en
how do you measure a snake? in inches . snakes don't have any feet .,1,en
what is a roman wrestlers favorite meal? john cena,0,en
"If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have? No chance of blocking an uppercut.",1,en
"girl i work with says to me , "" why dont you like taylor swift? shes awesome ! "" . because i knew she was trouble when she walked in .",1,en
How was the hamburger murdered? First it was 'rolled' then smothered in onions,1,en
a woman lost her wedding ring in paris last night. i'm not talking about the one who deserved it,1,en
What's the difference between water and gasoline? In Flint Michigan you can get gasoline that is unleaded.,1,en
"therapist : problem ? me : i always quote eminem lyrics. t : explain ? m : i can't tell you what it really is , i can only tell u what it feels like",1,en
We get it poets: things are like other things,1,en
"To a struggling artist: ""Don't give up... ...the day job.""",1,en
"Mask have one good advantages of many. Is dat, u ca n smile under mask at the funeral and no one wil know.",0,en
"when a cop tells you to "" spread ' em "" he is not flirting. i know this now",1,en
i took a photo of the thing i use to play my guitar. it was a lovely pic,0,en
I wonder if Sherlock Holmes is good at his taxes. He's great at making deductions,1,en
why do they run the credits at the beginning of game of thrones? because you don't know who is going to make it to the end .,0,en
How do they keep track of books at the sausage library? The Andouille Decimal System,1,en
"Snickers wrapper: ""contains peanuts"", I expected, but ""brief language"" and ""partial nudity"" was a total surprise.",1,en
What did Jesus say to his children? Nothing. He didn't had any,1,en
"When guys claim to have had a threesome, the next question is usually, ""How was it? "" In my case, that question is shortened to one word.",1,en
My dad has had a few strokes. He says Easter is more fun because now he can hide eggs from himself.,0,en
"If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.",1,en
have you got the address of the butter website? yes but don't spread it around .,0,en
You can never really be alone. Except if you don't have a smart phone,0,en
Me and my girlfriend went to bush gardens.. but they said she was too young for the rides,0,en
What are events so tiny and so fast they can hardly be said to have occurred at all? A human lifespan at human scale,1,en
What went through the minds of the victims in the Las Vegas massacre? Bullets..,0,en
why do children cry when they find out santa isn't real? they figured out who has been drinking their milk and eating the cookies !,1,en
everyone can stop painting. we all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything,1,en
"it's good for a man to have a woman that cleans , cooks , and makes you laugh. it's also good if these women do not know each other",1,en
Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.,1,en
I can't bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal? Let's hear your results 'cause I know you just tried it.,0,en
What would Kendrick Lamar be called if he was an English teacher? Kendrick Grammar,1,en
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together... I totally nailed it!,0,en
What was Nero's favorite kind of sandwich? A Plebeian J,0,en
What do you call a handicapped person who likes geometry? A parallelogram.,1,en
My jokes on asthma are.... ...breathtaking!,1,en
What's a holocaust survivor's favorite movie? Gone With The Wind.,0,en
Which fish go to heaven when they die? Angelfish !,0,en
What's the difference between your Tesla and my vibrator? My vibrator makes more noise when I go for a ride. But with either one you'll hear me coming.,0,en
"You can tell how important a thing is by if there's a cheese of it: string, important; mars, not important; blue, important; democracy, not",0,en
They tell you to do the things that matter So I did my girlfriend's aborted foetus,1,en
how can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house? his tricycle will be parked outside .,0,en
"when the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like batman .",1,en
I was trying to get a top comment on Reddit. But I Blueit,0,en
What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae,0,en
"The secret to becoming a millionaire. Is by being a billionaire, then starting an airline",1,en
what did one pile of burning wood say to the other? is it getting hot in here or is it just me,0,en
How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.,1,en
I'm starting a fight club. First rule is tell everyone you know because I have no members yet,1,en
Did you hear what the Kathmandu? He Baghdad so he could Bangkok,1,en
"My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.",1,en
By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering,1,en
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What's your fave place in LA to look at your phone??,0,en
"job interviewer : "" why do you want to join the secret service? "" me : "" it's a secret . "" job interviewer : "" you got the job . """,1,en
What do you call delicious Vietnamese food? Vietnoms,1,en
what's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack? morning wood .,1,en
What do pregnant women and a beetle have in common? No leg space.,1,en
My psychiatrist asked me how do i see myself Apparently in a Mirror was the wrong answer,1,en
i was told that microwaves were invisible but i can see mine on my counter. is mine broken ?,0,en
"why did the dog sit in the front seat of the car? because the car had a sun "" woof "" ! yes , i made this up myself . yes , i have no friends .",0,en
a fly walks out of a bar. he was sitting in someone's stool,1,en
"Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching",1,en
divorce is tough on some kids. mine were just happy to be single again,1,en
"If a car is stuck in a tree with its headlights on, how many pancakes does it take to get to the moon? Zero! Snakes don't have armpits!",0,en
What's the name of the strongest duck out there? PSYtama.,0,en
What do you call it when you are looking for your Subaru Forrester in a parking garage? Finding Forrester,1,en
What did the Arab man's wife say on their wedding? BAAAA'A'A'A'A'A,1,en
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE,0,en
i asked my web server engineer wife to give me head. all i got was information and not the actual act,1,en
"I got mugged yesterday... The mugger said, ""Give me your money or you're science."" I said, ""Don't you mean history? "" He said, ""Don't try and change the subject.""",1,en
I've heard a lot of good puns in my day but. the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake,1,en
don't ever let a chiropractor tell u a joke. it'll hit your funny bone,1,en
witch : doctor doctor i don't feel well. doctor : don't worry you'll just have to go to bed for a spell,0,en
why does the dog go to the gym? he wants to get ruff,0,en
why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella? because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining .,0,en
"I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those ""Eat right and exercise"" scams.",1,en
"computer jokes Client to designer: ""It doesn't really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.""",1,en
"if i was smarter, i would know so much more stuff .",0,en
Stoned wife wants you to rate her joke Do you remember the type of animal that has a memory that is the opposite of an elephant's? ... I forgot,0,en
"Whenever the wind gets bad... I think to myself, ""It may be windy but at least its not sandy.""",1,en
I use to be terrified of speed bumps. But I slowly got over it,0,en
I'm so good at sleeping That I can do it with my eyes closed.,0,en
What do you call a collection of Tyler Perry's movies? Fifty Shades of Black,1,en
Did youhear about the Newfie abortion clinic? It's so busy there's a twelve month waiting list.,1,en
what is the best tool for getting a handle on your gambling addiction? a vice grip .,1,en
"You know what they say If the water slide is broken, the log ride's still open!",0,en
Composed a mixtake with a few bars of silence in the woods. Call it a four rest fire,0,en
what's the difference between men and women? women play hard to get . men get hard to play .,1,en
What's Edward Elric's favorite band? My Alchemical Romance,0,en
what kind of headphones did chris brown get rihanna for her birthday? beats,0,en
The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs,1,en
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the jobs now he's just a handyman!! ,0,en
my internet was out for a while so i went downstairs to talk to my mom. she seems nice,1,en
"Earth: Goodnight Moon Moon: ... Earth: I said Goodnight Moon' Moon: ... Earth: Look, I don't choose which days they celebrate Moon: Whatever",1,en
I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!! Only half the people turned up,0,en
"when i was a kid , i wanted my bed near the window to see the moon and stars. now , i want my bed near the mobile charging plug",0,en
waiter : these are the best eggs we've had for years. diner : well bring me some you haven't had around for that long,1,en
What was the currency of the Trade Republic of Venice? Dogecoin.,1,en
What's the difference between my wife and my meat? I don't beat my meat in public.,1,en
"the more "" normal "" you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you .",0,en
What fruit worries teenagers the most? A promegranate.,1,en
"When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from over excitement.",0,en
I thought my witty comeback was completely original. Turns out it was a riposte,0,en
"i turn heads every time i go to work makes sense, i'm a chiropractor .",1,en
relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me .,1,en
What happens when cats become philosophical? They like to paws and reflect on life,1,en
What's the similarity between an antivaxx kid and a meme? They are both good when new but end up dying pretty quickly.,0,en
What do you call a group of yogurt loving boat enthusiast? A Yacult...,1,en
"wanna buy a coffin? ! so a guy comes up to me the other day and asked if i wanted to buy a coffin and i said "" that's the last thing i'll ever need . """,0,en
Why not go to southern France? There's nothing Toulouse,0,en
"Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy",1,en
I'm giving up past tense... ...for Lend.,1,en
If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints. Like a toaster in a bathtub,0,en
What disease is ravaging canada? hepatitis eh,1,en
My mom asked for my Netflix password. she better not be trying to chill,0,en
I was reading a book on antigravity. I couldn't put it down,1,en
Why should you always carry a knife around? Because sharp wits won't always give you the edge.,1,en
"What did the Equalist say when he was ordered to capture the Avatar? ""Amon it""",1,en
Why did our ancestors use fire? because fireworks,1,en
"Old, but gold A woman goes to the market. She says to the greengrocer: ""I would like to purchase a cucumber"" The vendor answers: ""Buy two, so you can eat one""",1,en
"when chuck norris is in a crowded area , he doesn't walk around people. he walks through them",1,en
cavemen were smarter than we think . do you know why cavemen dragged their women around by the hair? it was so they wouldn't fill up with rocks .,1,en
"I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!",0,en
What do you call a spelling mistake on a map? A topographical error.,1,en
You can lead a human to knowledge. but you can't make them think,1,en
my girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. at least that's one thing she has in common with my wife,1,en
Marvel's latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD,1,en
What's the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?,1,en
What the the planet Jupiter say to Neptune? I can see Uranus from here.,1,en
life hack: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie,0,en
How did Reggie Rocket's brother die? Otto Erocket Asphyxiation,0,en
Scientists turn back time... ...end up with 'emit'.,1,en
"im getting tired of the book "" life of pi. "" it never ends",0,en
"People keep accusing me of collecting periodicals. They never specify which magazine my issues are from, they just tell me that I have them",1,en
What do you call a psychic who simply doesn't care? Telapathy,1,en
"Here's a USPS joke. Nevermind, it was lost in transit",0,en
what's the worst part about being a beaver? it's a lot of dam work .,1,en
I walked up to MC Hammer to tell him a joke. Stop me if you heard this one,0,en
Why did the dyslexic autist commit suicide? Someone called him fine and he had to prove it.,1,en
What is Forrest Gump's favorite type of pasta? Penne,0,en
Whats the difference between Chadwick Bozeman and Ryan Reynolds Ryan Reynolds character had cancer,0,en
"whenever i go to mcdonalds , they always ask me "" what can i get you? "" and i always say "" give me a second . "" and they always give me the number two .",1,en
"What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.",1,en
I never knew much about people Until I took one apart to see how it works ,1,en
"David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words. it was published posthumeously",1,en
"When my girlfriend's done wrong it's written all over her face. I have a flair for the dramatic, so I use a red pen",1,en
How do billboards communicate? Sign language,1,en
"dear smart phone, i would really wish if you spent more time with me than your charger",0,en
Detective: how were u able to do it? Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder,1,en
her : are you getting off early today? me : that happened one time !,0,en
What's the difference between reddit gold and the Greek drachma? People usually thank you for giving them reddit gold.,1,en
I spent the whole night trying to solve a math problem. and then it dawned on me,1,en
Didn't manage to catch any fish today. It was a failure,1,en
why was the graveyard so noisy? because of all the coffin .,1,en
What did the buck call his wife? Deer.,1,en
"""Sir, is this gluten free? "" The waiter nods happily ""Great,"" I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, ""I'm building a gluten fort!""",1,en
"If brown cake tastes like chocolate and white cake tastes like vanilla, what does yellow cake taste like? Uranium",0,en
Why are most old people perfectionists? Their tombstones are lined up in prefect rows.,1,en
divorce. when being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you,0,en
"the vet told me "" i'm sorry , but i'm going to have to put your dog down . "" i said . "" why? ! "" vet said : "" because my arms are getting tired . """,1,en
husband : i'm going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax . me : sounds awesome! h : will you get them ready for me ?,0,en
I asked my brother with down syndrome why is he so sad He replied : My life's so down bro.,1,en
sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. but that's only after i've eaten mexican food,1,en
"what do you call people with big ears? nothing , they might hear you",1,en
Q: Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator? A: Because he was General Electric.,0,en
"Allergies I have allergies to Pollen. I just realized that's plant sperm. Now when people ask ""What are you allergic to? "" and can tell them Plant Spern",1,en
What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers !,1,en
How many people can you fit in an empty chair? I'll tell you when the pandemic's over.,0,en
"Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven? If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!",0,en
What do you call a pool of autistic kids A vegetable salad,1,en
Iron Man and the Silver Surfer should team up. They'd be strong alloys,0,en
"When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.",0,en
Whats the most popular mother's Day gift in Arabia? Shaving cream,1,en
as the judge said to the dentist: do you swear to pull the tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth ?,1,en
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things TV Host: What are cooking for us today? Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw,1,en
My son asked me what made the Fourth Crusade different from the first three. I told him it was a little unorthodox,1,en
"I get it short people, I get it. Oooops sorry typo, I'll get it short people, I'll get it",0,en
"ME: I don't have a very good imagination. ME, WEARING A BACKPACK: I am a horse and a tiny man is riding me",0,en
"Might be a repost But my coworker told me this joke. C: How did Jesus stay in shape? M: Uhhh, CrossFit? C: Nailed it!",0,en
i dumped my blind fiance yesterday. she never saw it coming,0,en
i think i'm done clapping for stuff. it's enough already,1,en
What is the best method of separating juice? by concentration.,1,en
Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years? iDoubtit,0,en
I don't get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary,1,en
A Monk went into a shoe store. He was doing some Sole Searching,1,en
Turns out I am a master of Tantric Maths. I can stare at the page for hours and the answer never comes,1,en
What do you call an underground waterflow Well hidden.,1,en
i said i was a man with a plan. i said nothing about it being a good plan,1,en
I started work at a drilling site and left soon after. It was a boring job,1,en
Friends are a lot like trees. They fall down when they are hit with an axe multiple times,1,en
You know what the first thing you do when someone is having a seizure is? You take their wallet!,0,en
Why did the electric car finish the race early? It had a short circuit.,1,en
"people are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again .",1,en
"If a group of lions is called a pride and a group of crows is called a murder, what do you call a group of homeless people? A shelter. Also, names.",1,en
what happened when jesus forgot to look both ways? he died on the cross !,0,en
"while you're thinking what to wear, i'm thinking how to take it off .",0,en
"I have an eidolon memory. It's the same as an eidetic memory, but I'm also dyslexic",1,en
When do ghosts have to stop scaring people? When they lose their haunting licenses.,1,en
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.,0,en
i had to take my horse to get surgery last week. the doctor told me he's in stable condition,1,en
"That's not my carbon footprint, it's Jesus's.",0,en
""" just so you know , you're coming home with me tonight. "" i whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date",0,en
"The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.",1,en
"the average russian day when you ask a russian how his day is going . "" it is an average day today: not as good as yesterday , but better than tomorrow . """,1,en
What kind of mane does a Chinese lion have? Lo mein.,1,en
My grandpa died at the hospital yesterday. I will never forget his last words: Allah Akbar,0,en
how do you get a one armed man out of a tree? wave to him,0,en
Christmas lights dont hang themselves.... But SSR did.,0,en
How did both Thomas Edison and Elon Musk made money? By using Tesla,1,en
What type of math does John Deere do? Prime tractorization,1,en
"Sometimes I'm so pessimistic, I feel like a German vegetarian I'm always fearing the wurst",1,en
Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn !,0,en
"it costs more to make a penny than a penny is actually worth . i don't get , why do we make the penny? it doesn't make any cents . thanks , i'm here all night .",1,en
"a man walks up to god and asks him , "" are you a ladies man? "" god replies : "" i'm a soul man . """,1,en
Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts.,1,en
what's that one room zombies can never enter? the living room,0,en
"date : so threedots tinder , huh? me : yup . date : threedots me : this is kind of awkward . date : maybe we should've used real pictures . me : you think so , mom",0,en
What's the difference between a contradiction and a punchline? There's no punchline for this joke.,1,en
"People who lock threads for no reason Don't know what to put here, the joke is in the title.",1,en
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan,0,en
"Relationships these days are like Birthdays. Once the Cake is Eaten, the Party's Over",1,en
what i learned from watching star trek: nothing . i've never watched star trek . i am popular with friends . we don't do that .,1,en
Did you hear about the paint catapult that won the competition? It won with flying colors.,1,en
I have a lot of wisdom in regards to oral hygiene. I'd consider myself a flosserpher,1,en
What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette !,0,en
"Just heard someone screaming outside and my instinct was to turn up the TV. Whatever the opposite of a superhero is, I'm that",1,en
Everybody knows you can die for lack of water but did you know u can die from too much water? Really weird term called drowning.,1,en
I like to think that the lead singer of Limp Bizkit sorts out his own affairs before seeing to other peoples. Durst's things First,1,en
"ladies, i'd like to remind you that trying to play "" hard to get "" doesn't work when you're already "" hard to want "" .",1,en
"I don't always say bye. but when I do, it's to Felicia",0,en
"Alone if y'all dont want to be alone, watch a scary movie at night and you wont feel alone.",0,en
Why is a toothless dog like a tree? It has more bark than bite.,1,en
What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim? A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.,1,en
"What did one antimasker say to the other antimasker? Nothing, they were both dead from contagion.",1,en
what do the south and the sun have in common? they both shall rise again !,0,en
Where do cats go when they die? Purrgutory.,1,en
Accounting joke: What do you call inventory that doesn't exist? Finnish Goods,1,en
the wife of my friend is not a woman to me. but if she's pretty he's not my friend,0,en
"if you couldn't tell , i am into fitness. fitness whole slice of pizza into my mouth !",0,en
"if there is no emoji to express the emotion, does the emotion really exist ?",0,en
"Whats long, hard, and has a tip? Working as a waiter. Wait, what did you think i was gonna say?",0,en
I was going to build my own bicycle but I couldn't be bothered. Two tired,0,en
"there are two types of countries in the world threedots those who use the metric system, and those who have a successful space program .",1,en
"I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure So yeah, I got a big booty hoe",0,en
why did the chef take a job at a soup kitchen? because they had great stock options .,1,en
"What did the doughnut say to the cop? Don't glaze me, bro",0,en
I enjoy working in a slaughterhouse. Everything is so cut and dry,1,en
What do you call it when a lizard gets lost in a snowstorm? A blizard,1,en
Aah yes I love Thai massages Going to Thailand for a honeymoon is like bringing food to a restaurant.,1,en
what is the favorite note of a priest? a minor,1,en
What foods are still good the second or third time you've eaten them? I'm looking for food for my human centipede...,1,en
what do you say to someone who studied media at university? can i have fries with that please,0,en
How long is social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to get in the house,1,en
"No one's laugh sounds like ""bwahahaha. "" NO one",1,en
Have you seen the life of the Jew fish? They were separated at birth but reunited in the oven.,1,en
what do you call a bear that likes men when it's happy and women when it's sad? a bipolar bear,1,en
"when i used to work for walgreens and the security system would go off the employees would say "" run! "" i guess it was the running joke .",1,en
Did you know that national middle child day was last week? Yeah... Nobody else did either...,1,en
What does grass and a high school kid have in common They both got mowed down by the neighborhood kid,1,en
"i bet hipsters love mondays just to be ironic, but mostly because they're unemployed .",1,en
What do a soldier who stepped on an IED in Syria and freedom of speech in England have in common? They're both on their last leg.,1,en
Whats the difference between me and some train tracks At least the train tracks get laid,0,en
"two flies two flies were sitting on a turd . one of the flies farts . the other fly looks at him and says , "" hey ! do you mind? i'm trying to eat here . """,1,en
"My dad went with my grandma to the doctors office and we found out she was diagnosed with dementia a year ago, but she forgot to tell us.",1,en
I told a fish joke the other day. It went swimmingly,1,en
"My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend... I said ""There's plenty of fish in the sea."" and he replied ""Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss.""",1,en
"""Eat your dinner before it gets cold"" Something never said at a cannibals dinner...",1,en
"My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast. Thanks, royal baby",0,en
I asked my dad if he liked his haircut. He said he didn't at first but it's growing on him,1,en
"Stephen Hawking believes he's solved a huge mystery about black holes ...and he'll keep believing as long as we all play along, ok? He's adorable.",1,en
What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom? A runner in scoring position.,1,en
"Can I call you? Crush: Yes Errm, I called but you didn't pick Crush: I said you could call, I never said I'd pick up",0,en
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining,1,en
i would like to work as a janitor in microsoft. i could see myself excel in that job,1,en
Sherman did one thing wrong he stopped.,0,en
"FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can't remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They'll write her name on the cup for ya!",0,en
"i just gave my secretary a baby shower . well, a potential baby shower . if you know what i mean .",0,en
Don't get me started on trigonometry. I'll go on a tangent,0,en
what did music tell the pancakes? b flat .,1,en
Overactive Bladder Hotline. Can you hold please?,0,en
what is hot and makes me hard? being covered in lava .,0,en
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.,0,en
"The guards Workin at auswitch wern't that bad They put everyone, who came out of the shower cold, close to the fire.",0,en
about a months ago i started to learn how to speak french. but then i gave up,1,en
"If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it's that obese people can be accepted. so long as they know kung fu",1,en
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.,0,en
"some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them .",1,en
what do you call a person with memory problems telling a joke? to get to the other side .,1,en
"Man texted: ""I want you to be my little angle."" I answered: ""Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute? "" Two days have passed, no reply.",0,en
what do u say to a person who pointed a gun at you? thank you ,0,en
What book did the rabbit take on vacation? One with a hoppy ending.,0,en
Did you hear about the pine tree that ate the old man? They said it was coniferous ,1,en
"considering "" thank you "" cards are a thing , i'm going to invent "" no , thank you! "" cards and people will send them back and forth forever .",1,en
"i just responded to a text message with: i can't hear you , you're breaking up",0,en
I lost a game of chess Turns out the queen and the king were in a compromised position,0,en
"That was easy. Said Yoda, after to Staples he went",0,en
"a girl said to her boyfriend "" let's do it doggy style "" the guy said , sure. but we need to find a street where nobody knows us first",1,en
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.,0,en
"i believe in a woman's right to choose, except when it comes to picking what movie we should watch tonight .",0,en
what's the best way to milk a sheep? ask apple .,0,en
What kind of car does a pirate drive? A Yarrrrrrrrris.,0,en
Why do female parachuteers were Tampons? Stops them whistling on the way down ,1,en
"""I have a particular set of spills,"" Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt. He looks for a napkin but the last one's already been Taken",1,en
"I used to work at Human Relations in the coal industry, but I got tired of all the miner details.",1,en
To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.,1,en
"what does sonic say on ramadan? "" gotta go fast ! """,1,en
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning They were great yolks,1,en
"after you're done watching them, netflix should let you exchange children .",0,en
What do you call a seizure you have while mining? An ore spasm.,1,en
"this girl i'm currently seeing is very flexible , just what i like. she comes round every wednesday , thursday and saturday",1,en
What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat? Katabatic,1,en
"what do you get for the women who has everything? a divorce , then she'll only have half of everything .",1,en
"Correlation and causation are used together often, so that must mean that the word ""correlation"" must cause people to use the word ""causation""",1,en
What would princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.,0,en
winning chess is the same as winning women. all it takes is the right amount of checks,1,en
"I used to have a friend who wanted to be run over by a steam train. When he finally was, he was chuffed to bits",0,en
"i saw a poster today , somebody was asking "" have you seen my cat? "" so i called the number and said that i didn't . i like to help people .",1,en
why'd the british man cross the ocean? freedom .,0,en
You know what the funniest joke is? The stickied comment below. ,0,en
If a cat catches all the mice on your property. does that make it squeaky clean,1,en
waiter : is pepsi ok? pepsi : i'm fine .,0,en
I exclusively date cancer patients They don't have time to play games bro! ,0,en
I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key I lost Ctrl,0,en
What do sad songs and my uncle have in common? They both touch a lot of teenagers,1,en
How many Broncos does it take to change a tire? One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.,1,en
here's a business idea: a bed that is bigger than the biggest size bed we have currently,0,en
What was Pavarotti's favourite Indian dish? Nessun Korma,1,en
"My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer",0,en
What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent,1,en
What did the suave frog say to the hot frog? You're ribbeting!,0,en
What do you call it when a fruit studders? A peach impediment.,1,en
buy followers? no thanks . i'm married so i spend enough money on people i don't talk to,0,en
Why did Moses and the jews wander the wilderness for forty years? One of them dropped a nickel,1,en
How do you make a guitar player's car more aerodynamic? Take off the pizza delivery sign.,0,en
"What did Oscar Pistorius say when his cellmate asked him how he ended up in prison? ""I'm stumped.""",1,en
I used to have a very lucrative job at Bob Evans but I got fired. I was bringing home the bacon. ,1,en
Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing. You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it,1,en
"a joke told by the mods of this sub. "" long """,1,en
What do you get when you cross a regular potato and a sweet potato? A tater tot.,0,en
"Did you know that you can go the rest of your life without eating food? Well , it's gonna be a very short life that you have...",0,en
coder lolz what do you get when throw salt at a coder? a seasoned developer.,0,en
Where does Neckwear go on vacation? Thailand.,1,en
"Crash A man and a feather falls down from a tree who reaches the ground first? The feather, the man was caught by the rope",0,en
Attention Netflix and Chill has been replaced The new thing is Cookies and Dick. that is all,0,en
What do you call a drunk coffee? Amerrycano.,1,en
I told my girlfriend I wanted to try the orca in bed tonoght. I wanted to see how long I can last Tilikum,0,en
"The first woman on the Moon... ""Houston, we have a problem."" ""What?"" ""Never mind."" ""What's the problem?"" ""Nothing."" ""Please tell us?"" ""You know what the problem is.""",0,en
"whenever i meet a new girl , i introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. i don't want her to meet her competition right away",1,en
"Where is Harry Houdini when you need him? That guy knew how to get out of a lock, blindfolded and caged underwater.",0,en
Why was the sea snail sad? Because it was abalonely,1,en
what is round and looks like a stone. a stone,0,en
"why are relationships complex? because you're real , but your girlfriend is imaginary",1,en
"admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies .",1,en
Why Was The Canvas Maker Late Home From Work? He had to close a sail,0,en
just back from the market. til people also stop using deodorant or soap for ramadan,1,en
I'm NOT Superman. What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain,1,en
What do you call a gathering of otolaryngologists? An ENTmoot.,1,en
Why did Silver have such a successful rap career? He was truly Ag.,1,en
"i am developing a ground brekaing new app called ""MOneyWallet"", where you earn ""Money Points"" by mailing cash to my house",0,en
why didn't the man report his credit card stolen? because the thief was spending less than his wife .,1,en
What is the fastest cake in the world? Scone.,0,en
"I love the transport system in Germany... Never late, they're always there at half past nein.",1,en
What do you call imitation Vietnamese noodle soup? Faux.,1,en
What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train,1,en
"Life is like a lemon. Yellow, but sour.",0,en
"My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, ""How do one armed mothers do it? "" I replied, ""Single handedly.""",1,en
"when someone says "" happy new years "" i wonder, how many years are they talking about ?",1,en
How does Aquaman get his news? He streams it on SeaNN.,0,en
when is the best time to go shopping? when the stores are open .,1,en
"I'm going to to start a horse peeing race, The award will be called the trickle crown.",1,en
I'm not all that concerned about Celine Dion's recent losses. I'm pretty sure her heart will go on,1,en
Want to hear a joke? Comment below. The bot will deliver the punchline.,0,en
Title of your post Body of your text post,0,en
where does a shoulder work? in the army .,1,en
"Yesterday I went rollerblading, and I ran into batman. So I say ""Oy! Batman! Come skate with me! . . . "" But Batman just says ""I'M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS!""",1,en
What do pancakes do when they are scared? They crepe themselves ;D,0,en
I caught my wife in bed with a banana last night. She was masticating,0,en
What did the butcher say to the cow? ...I love you for your inner beauty.,0,en
"Joke, Joke, Joke. Which one is the funniest? The first one. The others are just reposts.",0,en
What happened when the guy refused to pay his exorcist? He was repossessed.,0,en
literally the best joke ever. the best joke ever,0,en
What does Star Wars: Episode V and WWII have in common? They were both better than the original.,1,en
my sister had a baby today. i think i've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has,1,en
"I was on a plane the other day... The passenger next to me asked, ""What made you decide to go to the USA?"" I told him, ""I heard they have great target practice.""",1,en
"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you,. I'd start thinking about you",0,en
The Texas Rangers made it to the World Series? I didn't even know Chuck Norris had a baseball team.,1,en
""" update the force, luke "" adobe wan kenobi",0,en
Where does Chewbacca research his college essays? Wookiepedia,1,en
"Rodney Dangerfield joke I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!",0,en
What does a woman do outside the kitchen? Tourism,1,en
"i don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but i can still fit into the earrings i wore in high school .",1,en
mum can i have a dog for christmas? no you can have turkey like everyone else !,0,en
Why does Jesus always book an uber XL? So he has the space to stretch his arms.....,1,en
"Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his ""why would you want to do that? "" argument was pretty bulletproof.",1,en
"there's no "" shame "" in "" glitter "", but there's shame and glitter on me .",1,en
Why did the cannibal become vegetarian? Wheelchairs are do fetch some value when sold.,1,en
"""Who's this wise guy?"" ""That's the Dalai Lama, he's kind of the spiritual leader of the Buddhist people."" ""Well no wonder they chose him, he's got great advice!""",0,en
Eric Garner tried stand up comedy. But he choked on stage,1,en
"I typed ""Missing medieval servant"" into Google. But it just came up with ""Page not found""",0,en
Last minute gift idea: Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted,0,en
What do Godot and my wife have in common? Both are French.,1,en
How does a male lightning bolt feel when he notices an attractive female lightning bolt? Thunderstruck,0,en
"Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.",0,en
"Hi my name is, Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop.",0,en
Why cant you suprise a snow man? Because its an inanimate object.,0,en
"Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.",1,en
"What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.",1,en
"forgot to make resolutions? just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "" stop . """,1,en
"My DNA collection business failed miserably Shouldn't have started in Alabama, every sample is so similar",1,en
"I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don't waver. Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable",1,en
"After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral, a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.",1,en
"I'm moving forward to protect my family from anymore unforeseen financial hardships in the future, and by that I mean I'm getting a vasectomy.",1,en
what do you call a singer who sells meat? a deli .,1,en
"My wife was struggling to open the freezer In the end she gave up, and froze to death.",0,en
what do you call a fox that can't stop shaking? michael,0,en
Q: What does a wicked chicken lay? A: Deviled eggs.,0,en
what makes a grown man cry? watching his wife and children die before his eyes .,0,en
i used to remember leonardo dicaprio when i was feeling down. unfortunately i still remember him,0,en
Jesus opened up a shop. And it was called Jesus Christ Superstore,1,en
People from the UK have been exercising more. They've lost a few pounds,1,en
Why does Daredevil worry about getting fat? He never watches what he eats.,1,en
"before the facebook , if someone disappeared , it meant you should go looking for them. now it means they got a life",0,en
monday morning threedots rolling out of bed is easy. getting up off the floor is another story,0,en
"My browser asks ""are you sure? "" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history",0,en
"How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch? ""Tea, Rex?""",1,en
""" wanna come to a party? "" "" sure . i'd love to spend two whole hours standing around while people recommend tv shows to me i'll never watch . """,0,en
Why couldnt the laptop see? Cause it was SoDIMM,0,en
What's the difference between traffic and strawberries? You can eat strawberry jam.,0,en
If Prince Zuko worries about about where the avatar is Does he have Aangxiety?,0,en
fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world . oh what a shame! and you've been engaged for such a long time,0,en
What's the name of the Russian Bee Gees cover band? KGBGs,0,en
I was working at the butchers yesterday and a man comes in looking for a small chicken. I asked him to describe it so we can look for it together,1,en
why do kids hate steven hawking? they don't like their vegetables .,1,en
"Today, my son asked me why girls always pee sitting down I told him it's because they're lazy Not necessarily a joke but kinda funny nonetheless.",1,en
What's J.D. Salingers favorite thing to have in a sandwich? RYEbread....,0,en
what's yellow and square? a tomato in disguise .,0,en
What do you call a weak cup of tea? Subtlety.,1,en
What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together? Air conditioning,1,en
"fred came home from his first day at school. "" nothing exciting happened "" he told his mother "" except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so i told her """,1,en
"So I used to sleep on my carpet. I'd have to say, it was a pretty flooring experience",1,en
What is it called when you sleep talk about your subconscious feelings? A Freudian Sleep.,1,en
"Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses. Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous... Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Vocabulary",1,en
"i was trying to solve an equation when i realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken threedots on the plus side, it still worked .",1,en
What do Polar Bears eat for lunch? Ice Bergers.,1,en
What are sardines? A little fish that smells like fingers.,1,en
"I heard Reddit opened its own restaurant. The food is great, but the servers are always down",0,en
"by the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game .",0,en
"what do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again , yet expects different results? a weapons designer for the first order .",1,en
"When should I borrow the Fatboy Slim joke from the library? Right about now, funk soul brother. Check it out now, funk soul brother.",0,en
which blood type was created by mistake? type o .,1,en
Why are all undead pirates bearded? They had to trade in their eye patch for a soul patch.,1,en
"Abortion Abortion is a difficult topic for me On the one hand I support it because it kills children. On the other hand, it give a woman a choice",1,en
Oh Tuesday. You are the Director's Cut of Monday,0,en
I'm using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.,1,en
i dropped my iphone in water and now i'm unable to make phone calls. so basically it's the same as it was before,1,en
If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline You could say that the Elder Scrolls,0,en
Who is Kevin Spacey's favorite artist? Bruce Dickinson,0,en
Why are parents of unvaccinated children afraid of bad weather? The wind can blow away the ashes.,1,en
how many dallas cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb? they don't . they just talk about when it did work .,1,en
i'm not afraid of the bermuda triangle or any triangle really. even played at its most aggressive it's just not a threatening instrument,1,en
Why did the baker not allow greedy people to eat his goods? Because he wanted his produce to be glutton free.,1,en
Buckwheat converted to Islam. He is now Kareem of Wheat,1,en
Kanye West was hospitalized. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time,1,en
"there is a order to the universe: space , time , and chuck norris threedots just kidding chuck norris is the first",0,en
why didn't the sailors play cards on the deck? because the captain was sitting on the top of the deck .,1,en
Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www.izard of Oz.,0,en
what kind of soap do middle eastern citizens use? arab spring,1,en
Lol Q: What's Peter Pan's favorite restaurant? A: Wendy's!,0,en
My grandma used to say 'Slow and steady wins the race' She died in a fire.,0,en
how does james bond sleep? around .,0,en
Are all cyclists straight? No. Some are Bi.,1,en
"I'm concerned about my local funeral parlour closing down It's right on the high street, but every time I walk past it's dead in there",1,en
How does an artist at Santa Fe High School paint? He paints the place red.,1,en
What do you get when you cross Miley Cyrus with an alligator? A caiman like a wrecking ball.,1,en
What was Snoop Dogg's ghost arrested for? Possesion.,0,en
What's a fish's favourite band? Stickelback!,0,en
why do they call it a traffic jam? because no one's jelly,1,en
"chuck norris once went skydiving without a parachute , but promised never to do it again. one grand canyon is enough",0,en
Why do people misjudge the corona virus? he is just a nice dude who likes to help older people cross to the other side,1,en
"how do you spell "" we "" with two letters without using the letters w and e? u and i .",1,en
"An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK... The immigration officer asks: ""Occupation? "" The Israeli says: ""No. I'm just visiting.""",1,en
"I wonder what it would be like if we made Dr. House an annoying woman.. Whats that, Nurse Jackie you say?",0,en
"things are always easier said than done threedots except for talking, that's pretty much the same really .",1,en
Judge: You stand before me accused of being a duvet. How do you plead? Defendant: Not quilty.,1,en
"a ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed",0,en
"i didn't say it was your fault, i said i was blaming you .",0,en
"saleslady: can I help you ""yes, how many leg holes do these pants have? "" saleslady: ummm just the usual two ""nice, nice""",1,en
Do you know that awesome feeling after understating math? Me neither,1,en
"WHAT DO WE WANT? License and registration, please. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle",0,en
What are Bill Gates latest projects? Needle upscaling and camel miniaturization.,1,en
I keep trying to lose weight. But it keeps finding me,1,en
You are the answer to my prayers. You're not what I asked for. But you're the answer to my prayers.,0,en
my sister has promised to sing at my funeral. i hope she goes before i do,1,en
Why don't soldiers wear yellow and pink? They'd get too much flak for it.,0,en
What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm? A tattoo.,1,en
"Oh Subway You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we've been doing that for years. Sincerely; Guys",1,en
"If a velociraptor is running. and he speeds up, does he become an acceleraptor",1,en
What do you call a baby crawling on the ground A speed bump,1,en
Sometimes I think to myself. and then other times I don't,0,en
what is love? baby don't hurt me .,0,en
there are always two ways to look at things. i prefer to look at them my way,1,en
I tried clicking on the 'NEW' tab. It just said 'Nothing to see here',0,en
"that awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening threedots",0,en
why is a shooting star better than a hamburger? it's meteor .,0,en
What has ten legs and nine arms? Def Leppard,0,en
"What's a word that starts with ""u"" and ends with ""w""? Cloning.",1,en
what looks like half a cat? the other half !,0,en
What is the most common disease for lettuce? Icebergers,1,en
"If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.",0,en
you know why i want to call you yoda? because yoda best thing i've seen all day,0,en
I love stereotypes. Especially my car radio.,1,en
"round , heavy object they throw at the olympics. discuss",1,en
why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? she'd read there was going to be some change in the weather .,1,en
"Twitter: where amateurs bring top shelf humor, and professional comedians bring amateur jokes.",1,en
I asked siri for local shooting ranges And she came up with schools nearby ,1,en
how did the roman cut his hair? caesar,1,en
what do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? wrong .,1,en
"My parents didn't vaccinate their kids. Fortunately, I was adopted by them and it helped me to become their sole heir. ",1,en
I feel bad for people named John Smith. They probably didn't get the gmail account they wanted,0,en
why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? because it was marble cake !,0,en
why didn't the butterfly go to the dance? because it was a moth ball .,0,en
what do you call it when an italian has one arm shorter than the other? a speech impediment .,1,en
What do you call a humor site with bad ads? PunHub.,1,en
When my wife starts. When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on,1,en
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!,0,en
"lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans the dog comes in to show emotional support threedots followed by the cat, who came to judge .",1,en
"when i'm feeling bold in the kitchen, sometimes i'll change up a recipe by forgetting to put in a key ingredient",1,en
What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The ocean,0,en
"Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.",0,en
"So I was driving down the road one day, and somebody threw a lump of cheese at me. and I thought to myself, that's not very mature",1,en
Just helped my friend get shredded in quarantine!  Too bad he left me with quite the mess on the walls.,0,en
"Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen's house.",1,en
What do you call poultry that glows in the dark? Chicken Kiev,1,en
"There was a board outside the clothes shop that said ""Huge shoe sale ends tomorrow!"" So I bought a pair for my wife, because she has huge feet.",1,en
What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? A hobby horse.,1,en
"I know a guy who became a millionaire after marrying his wife Before that, he was a billionaire...",0,en
Why do Jews have a connection with dreidels? Both were in the oven at some point.,1,en
why did the cow jump over the moon? because the farmer had cold hands,1,en
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can't even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean,1,en
"What did the disabled kid say when he was given power? Nothing actually, I guess the taser was too strong",1,en
Why didn't the French soldier fight in the battle of France? He was on a summer retreat!,0,en
"What's the difference between a bent nail and my son? If I hit a bent nail enough times, I can get it straight again",1,en
what did einstein eat as a baby? formula !,0,en
"man has his will, but woman has her way .",0,en
What's the most modern plant? A courant bush,1,en
What was Schrodinger's favorite childhood book? The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss,0,en
I breed some of the worlds best thoroughbred race horses They are absolutely outstanding in their field,1,en
You don't have to study for a pregnancy test. but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam,1,en
Alfred Nobel is considered the inventor of dynamite. because all the others could not be positively identified,1,en
"Three beans travelled around Australia together, where was their final destination? In Cairns.",1,en
"My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra",0,en
Something strange happens after dark. The sunrise.,0,en
"I've learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals. I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa",1,en
What did Adele say when asked where her dog is? Groomer has it,1,en
"So I was watching a tv documentary yesterday. The tv documentary said ""Little Fatima cries out but no one comes."" But I beg to differ",1,en
"What is the day when most Babies are born? Well, I was always told it's Labor Day.",1,en
What's the difference between your tv and your wife. You can actually turn on your tv.,0,en
I love spending time with girls. its unfortunate i have to do it from a bush with binoculars,0,en
I'm feeling a little scatterbrained at the moment Just like Kobe Bryant,0,en
You know you're getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu. And it starts going into Roman Numerals,1,en
i've just found out that one of my best friends is a mime artist. he kept that quiet,1,en
Coronavirus is like spaghetti The chinese Made it but the italians spread it,1,en
Sometimes I gaze upwards at the endless stars that populate the sky and realize how small I truly am. I should get one of those pumps,1,en
They're working on a series in which Bob Odenkirk is the star. It's called Better Call Sol,1,en
What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.,1,en
"some people feel the rain, others just get wet threedots threedots and others wet themselves thinking no one would notice .",0,en
"My mom wants a new cooking skillet for Christmas. I haven't got the dough, but oh well, we'll see how things pan out",0,en
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything !,0,en
What is Jamaican Pikachu's favorite dance? The Polka Mon,1,en
how many running backs does it take to turn on a light? two . one to find the switch threedots the other to hit it .,0,en
"Jesus Christ checked in to a hotel. He went to the front desk and asked, ""All I have is three nails, you think you can put me up for the night?""",1,en
I eat bits of metal all day. It's my staple diet,1,en
Why didn't the engineering student have a good relationship with his professor? There were too many truss problems.,1,en
what's the difference between a seal and sea lion? one electron,0,en
Got in a fight with my wife while camping. It was in tents,1,en
What do you call a camel with no humps? Humpfree! :P,0,en
What do you call a boxing on a slackline? Punchline.,1,en
You know as long as you keep babies well fed they're usually pretty good. But I like mine with a little BBQ sauce,1,en
"when bruce banner gets mad , he turns into the hulk. when the hulk gets mad , he turns into chuck norris",1,en
"Someone: I like your name! Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday.",0,en
What's the similarity between Chinese Products and Stephen Hawking Half of them don't work,1,en
"ME: Hi I'd like to apply for a job as a contortionist ""When can you come in for an interview? "" ME: I'm flexible",1,en
"That beard may hide a couple of your chins but it won't make you pretty, ma'am.",0,en
Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird,0,en
What do you do when you see a classroom full of dead kids? Reload. ,0,en
Sometimes having an extra chromosome. really gets me down,1,en
dating a girl from the zoo. she's a keeper,0,en
my wife said she for lent she was giving up eating meat. i thought she did that after the wedding vows,1,en
Don't dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that'll happen tomorrow,0,en
How do Chinese people greet each other That say ha achu,1,en
I love Jesus jokes They always nailed it,0,en
Movie Idea: Titanic the Plane the iceberg is the twin towers,0,en
Once you stop doing functional programming. You never return,0,en
depression: a period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of .,1,en
What word has the most letters in it? Postbox.,1,en
Did you hear the gunshot that killed the deaf man down by Brooklyn? Neither did he,1,en
dog's facebook status: tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today threedots he just yelled at me .,0,en
"A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, ""Your eyes match your swim trunks! "" He says, ""Why? Are my eyes bulging?""",1,en
I entered a contest to win a set of really nice vegetable knives. but no dice,0,en
What's Liam Neeson's least favourite day of the year? Black Friday,0,en
If a tree falls in the middle of the woods and only Hellen Keller is around.. Does it make a sound?,0,en
"You don't love Dunkin' Donuts coffee, you love heavy cream.",0,en
i had a funny dream last night mom . did you? i dreamed i was awake but when i woke up i found i was asleep .,0,en
i want to write a mystery novel. or do i ?,1,en
what type of lettuce do they serve on the titanic? iceberg : d,0,en
I love Halloween. It's the only time of the year that I can lure young children in with candy without using my van,0,en
If this sub was a high school dance what would it be missing? The punch line.,0,en
How do you know an angle is dead? When it shows no vital sines,1,en
"What did the hiker say when he fell in a pile of moss? ""I'm not lichen this!'",1,en
My thoughts are as pure as snow. after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it,1,en
How do we know that SpongeBob's a girl? Because squidward keeps sending her to the kitchen,0,en
Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall. He's really feeling the pinch,1,en
A Canadian and an Australian had a child. The baby's first words? Good eh!!,0,en
what kind of lettuce do serve on the titanic? iceberg lettuce ! : d,0,en
I just don't understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal. So why's he so mad at me? I bought him one of the best tubas money can buy!,0,en
"Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.",1,en
why did the comedian mermaid die? because it had a dry sense of humor .,1,en
why do women wear panties with flowers on them? in loving memory of all the faces that were buried in there .,1,en
What do living things and dead things have in common? Neither of them gave consent,1,en
"Shout out to accordion files, conveniently storin' documents and expandin' as more are added and whatnot.",0,en
"how's my life? let's just say i'm starting a lot of sentences with "" let's just say "" .",1,en
"My wife says she's leaving me, because the beginnings of my jokes are becoming cliched and predictable...",1,en
What do you call a hundred dead mods? A good start.,1,en
did you hear about the argument between a fire and the sun? it got really heated .,1,en
"did you know an nfl player was the first to land on the moon? he planted a flag , but a ref came by and picked it back up .",1,en
"What should I give your sister for unzipping? ...... Him : Um, ten bucks? Me : Like for WinZip. PS: Taken from bash.org",0,en
I thought about marrying my mom. but Oedipus wrecked it for me,0,en
""" tony , why do you always go around spelling your name backwards ? "" tony: "" why not ? """,0,en
when can't a pencil write out a check? when it's broke .,0,en
"If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.",1,en
"How are people with mental disabilities similar to electronic products? Sometimes they are, ""batteries not included""",1,en
"Why can't Mrs.Clause get pregnant? Santa only comes once a year, and it's always down a chimney.",1,en
"i looked down on the earth from an airplane yesterday and there are plenty of trees left, don't worry !",0,en
Religion isn't a fairy tale... Fairy tales don't cause war.,1,en
have you ever seen the house ray charles lived in? neither did he .,0,en
knock knock who's there ! baby owl ! baby owl who? baby owl see you later maybe i won't !,0,en
a celebrity died? better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel .,0,en
What do you get when you cross Pizza with a Bike? A Piecycle.,0,en
why did no one laugh at the hot dogs joke? because it was too cheesy . i work at a hot dog stand and tell this from time to time .,1,en
"when do you stop at green , and go at red? when eating watermelon",1,en
How do you contact dead window cleaners? Use a squeegee board.,0,en
how do you make a salad wrap? by adding some beets,1,en
What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face? A mousetache.,0,en
"A kid asked a nurse, ""Can you visit me when I get out?"" The nurse replies ""Sorry kid I hate going to graveyards.""",1,en
what rings twice and screams once? ray charles answering the iron,0,en
"i've just been refused entry to the national alzheimer's conference . "" do you know who i am? "" i shouted .",1,en
"You heard of what happened to Robin Williams? You could say his jokes had him ""gasping"" for air.",1,en
did you hear about the crazy fight at the fish market? i heard they found two fish battered,1,en
What is the difference between a Lira and a Dollar? A Dollar,1,en
My dad once made a go kart around the hopes and dreams of orphans It goes fast,0,en
How many tutors does it take to make a wild dog literate? It takes two to make a dingo write.,1,en
Ever wondered what passed through a child's head during a school shooting? Bullets.,1,en
Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example,0,en
him : why do you wear riding boots ? you don't ride horses. me : why do you wear sneakers ? you don't sneak,0,en
I pushed a hipster down the stairs today. He's still Tumbling,0,en
An unforgettable song just came on the radio. A real blast from the past. It was one of Ariana Grande's. ,1,en
A good book is like a puppy. Easy to pick up..... Hard to put down.,0,en
"I got second place in a star gazing competition once. The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize",1,en
"It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.",1,en
"I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.",1,en
Did you guys hear about the man with the wooden leg named Smith? I don't think he named is other leg...,1,en
"Friend: It looks like you're packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii? Me: No, this is just my lunch.",0,en
what did the beach boys play at their reunion show? wouldn't it be nice if we were younger .,1,en
My wife's cooking is so bad. My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food,1,en
wait. i thought fifty shades of grey was just a coloring book for dogs,0,en
I don't know what the question is. But violins is not the answer,1,en
what did the mountain climber name his horse? everest . any time he is bored i see him mount everest .,1,en
life lesson: never do anything which you don't want to explain to the paramedics .,1,en
What does a leg do when it gets exasperated? It thighs.,1,en
What is Mike Tyson's favorite thing for a woman to wear? Thort thorts.,0,en
Why might Saturn's rings come loose? They're too close to Titan.,0,en
"I told my dog to bark. He said, ""howwwl loud.""",1,en
Whats the similarity between the World Cup and Madeleine McCann They both never returned to England.,0,en
TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops wrong sub,0,en
If Rihanna and Chris Brown got back together and made music again. they would make all the hits,1,en
we changed our dog's name to dad. because he kept running away,0,en
"Premature ejectualation dinner party tonight, there's no formal dress code. Just come in your pants",1,en
"dear customer service: first of all , you should know that im typing this with my middle finger .",0,en
I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all.,1,en
"Why did Renault name a car ""Le Car""? So customers wouldn't accidentally drive Le Lawnmower to work.",1,en
waiter : how did you find your steak sir? customer : oh i just moved the potatoes and there it was !,0,en
"It's been raining so much, I have begun the construction on my Ark. If you need any help I Noah guy",0,en
I lost my thesaurus when I was little. I couldn't find the words to describe how I felt,1,en
what did the hungry boss give his worker? their celery !,1,en
"i'm thinking about buying a greyhound, don't know what the wife is going to say so i'll run it by her first .",0,en
what did they call the man who knew how to read maps? a legend,1,en
Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls,0,en
why is the moon like a dollar? it has four quarters .,1,en
Angela Rose Angela Rose sat on a pin. Angela rose.,0,en
"what goes over the water , and under the water , but stays dry? jesus in a submarine .",0,en
"We're at the mall and noticed none of the kids can sit on Santa's lap. I'm not sure why, there's probably some Claus against it",1,en
"i went to read the dictionary , but threedots my aardvark had the exact same idea before me. he didn't really get far",0,en
"what did the calculus teacher tell the crew of his submarine while they were diving? derive , derive , derive !",0,en
"two cows and a cat were going on a trip . cow a : do we go this way with the cat? cow b : the cattle go this way , we shall go the udder way .",1,en
"If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.",0,en
What did the cliff say to the landslide? Chalk to you later.,0,en
Did you hear about the Ramen warehouse that burned down? Dozens of dollars worth of Ramen was lost.,0,en
how do skeletons make a baby? they bone,1,en
what do you call an old snowman? water .,1,en
Why was the kid unhappy? He had no emotions because he died in a car accident,0,en
what do you call a paraplegic runner? a boston marathon victim .,1,en
How do you start a Mexican bedtime story? Juans upon a time.,1,en
Where does a dog go to buy shoes? Reebark,0,en
"Pizza Hut: Hello Me: I'd like a hot dog bites pizzas PH: Pick up or delivery? Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch",0,en
what did the city worker say after his first ever pony trek? i never knew anything stuffed with hay could be so hard !,0,en
What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds? Chevy Chase.,1,en
"twitter, because i owe people on facebook money .",0,en
What's the internal tempered of a Taunton? Luke warm,0,en
So I tried to tell a friend of mine an Isis joke. but it was poorly executed,1,en
I'm fairly surprised to learn there are so many professional drivers that come from Germany Finishing a race has never been their strong suit,1,en
"when you have to deliver bad news , always lead with something worse : "" honey , our cat died . just kidding! but , i forgot to buy cat food . """,1,en
i don't care what you think of me. james blunt thinks i'm beautiful,0,en
what do u call a soda that has eyes a fanta see. it never happens,1,en
"i don't think so, people who are thinking so .",0,en
Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll.,1,en
What do you call a chinese poker face? A mahjong face,1,en
valentine's day: the reason so many people are born in november .,0,en
what did the lucky butter say? i'm on a roll !,0,en
Did you ever wonder... how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?,1,en
"So I got home late last night, and my wife says, ""Would you like some supper?"" I say, ""Oh, yes! What are the choices?"" ""Yes, or no.""",1,en
Kobe Bryant left as a changed man. In the very end... He passed.,0,en
My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was. Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer,1,en
"Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well? Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said ""Tom is sleeping with the fishes.""",1,en
So yesterday I went to practice my aim at the shooting range Just kidding it was a highschool,1,en
Being an only child I was the only person in their will. Recently they both died of strokes Guess you can say that was a stroke of luck ,0,en
look ! up in the sky ! it's a bird ! it's a huge bird unlike any we've ever seen before ! what kind of bird is that? just look at that bird !,0,en
What's a jew favourite song? Gas pedal,1,en
what does a redditor do at prom? he looks for the punchline,1,en
Went to watch a blonde comedian And all she kept doing was bending down and looking at the floor. I guess she was just looking for some laughs,1,en
Where did the terrorist go after he detonated the bomb? Everywhere.,1,en
"what's dark , empty and going no where fast? your love life .",0,en
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at your funeral to avenge your death? Vigil aunties.,1,en
My Girlfriend Wanted Me to Surprise her while She was in the Bath. So I grabbed the Toaster...,0,en
What do you do when you run out of lead in school? Put in another magazine,0,en
What's similar between cooks and trannies They both cut the meat,1,en
"'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming. Just cuz I went into the wrong house",0,en
"TIFU by hiring a footlong sandwich as a replacement teacher. Oops, wrong sub",0,en
What do you call a cow who is also a knight? Sir Loin.,1,en
"If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.",1,en
What is a goat's favourite form of comedy? Satyre.,1,en
"i feel like all bears are bad news bears. i've never seen a bear and was like "" oh , he looks like he has good news for us , lets stick around """,1,en
For lack of a better word. Buy a thesaurus,1,en
"Couldn't tell if this really hot chick just waved at me in her car, or if she was just putting the sun visor down.",0,en
what did one flea say to the other after a night out? shall we walk home or take a dog,1,en
why did the calendar give up on life? because he felt his days were numbered .,1,en
what did one autistic kid say to the other? Hur Dee Dur Dee Dur,1,en
No matter where Hellen Keller was She never had seen or heard of the place,0,en
dog for sale eats everything. loves kids,0,en
what do bad dancers have in common with michael j fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine? they both have a hard time pulling off a twist .,1,en
why don't most people have classes on saturday or sunday? school is for the week .,1,en
"Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles",0,en
"as a parent, the only warm meal i get around here is ice cream .",1,en
why does britain like tea so much? because tea leaves .,1,en
my sister fell in love at second sight. when she first met him she didn't know how rich he was,0,en
Up next: How to sound good in a band... Stay tuned!!,0,en
What happens when you turn off the lights? It gets dark.,0,en
What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful,0,en
don't eat my chocolate. i'll be back monday,0,en
"You shouldn't be friends with a fence, because... ...They hold you back.",0,en
What do you call a symphony of whales? An orcastra,1,en
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don't do it in the bathtub.,0,en
never heard this before knock knock who's there ? dishes. dishes who ? dish is sean connery,0,en
Why should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.,0,en
What happens when an unstoppable forces hits an unmovable object A messy Divorce,1,en
"q . why is the book "" women who love too much "" a disappointment for many men? a . no phone numbers .",0,en
"so if they were called the mario bros. , that means mario's last name was mario ?",1,en
What's the most popular pop group in Africa? Milli Faminee,1,en
Orphan walks into a doctor's office. Doctors says you need to leave this is family practice ,1,en
"Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian? ...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.",0,en
Did you hear the score of the African basketball game? It was ate nothing,1,en
What do plaque psoriasis patients and teenagers have in common? They both wake up to white spots in the bed,1,en
What's the difference between a steampunk bike and a regular bike? On a steampunk bike the gears don't do anything.,1,en
The corona virus is like unvaccinated kids properly won't be here for long,1,en
"I'm so glad those gulls found love and happiness together. After all, one good tern deserves another",0,en
I miss my friend jack. I loved listening to music with him,0,en
who has the largest pupils? a sumo instructor .,1,en
what do you get when you cross my mom and my dad? i don't know but my dad said it was a mistake : d,0,en
what do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? homeless .,1,en
"so, i decided to give reddit a try threedots it has its ups and downs .",0,en
I made a short joke today. It wasn't very funny,0,en
"Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still....""",0,en
Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck...,0,en
What different about an American Christmas from a Spanish one? Noel.,0,en
What do you call a wheelchair bound Leo? HanDicaprio. .,1,en
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?  Because he felt crummy...,0,en
I guess it was George Michaels. Last Christmas,0,en
"So I've been studying up on clams lately I want to take up boxing, and I heard part of training is mussel memory.",1,en
Have you ever seen Ray Chales Wife? Neither has he.,0,en
"Knock Knock Who's there? ADHD. ADHD, who? wow look at that cool car!",0,en
"why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive , caring , and good looking? all of those guys already have boyfriends .",1,en
Some members of Alphaville wanted to undergo Freud based therapy. They talked it out and decided it would be better to stay forever Jung,1,en
"My Grandads motto was ""Never give up"". He died of lung cancer",1,en
Me: Is there alcohol in this? Barista: ... No ma'am. Me: Can there be,0,en
why did the brake pedal see a therapist? because it was depressed .,1,en
What do you call herpes on a scarecrow? A corn on the cob,1,en
What do you get when you combine Avogadro's number of avocados? GuacaMole!,0,en
did anyone see the original joke posted on this sub today? neither did i .,0,en
How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute? i'm serious... help.,0,en
"nothing makes me more proud of my son's sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework .",1,en
"If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry",0,en
so i called the suicide hotline apparently its supposed to talk people out of it,1,en
As my friend Joe's last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work. all morning everyone had a cup of Joe,1,en
why are there no men's studies classes? world history already exists,1,en
"Why Heisenberg didn't have any kids the second he found the position he lost the momentum, when he got momentum he couldn't find the position.",1,en
"what is the difference between a man and a dog? a man wears a suit and the dog , pants .",1,en
Who's a better lover than a dead man? A dead woman.,0,en
"ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking and this is your captain shouting !",0,en
does a priest have a wife? he has nun .,1,en
Whats a bag of chips divided by five? A Nike worker's meal.,0,en
I can't decide if I want to watch the original Star Trek of The Next Generation. I guess you could say I'm stuck between a Spock and a Picard place,0,en
"a day without sunshine is like , you know , night. steve martin : a day without sunshine is like , you know , night",0,en
You like Netflix and Chill? I like Prime and Crime.,0,en
"if the voices in my head had a british accent, i would do what they say more often .",1,en
I can't see any posts in this sub. Only reposts.,0,en
"why is a cat on a beach like christmas? because they both have "" sandy claws "" !",1,en
i was trying to get over my fear of public speaking at a nudist colony. i just imagined everyone with their clothes on,1,en
What does the I in feminism stand for? Intelligence,1,en
why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? because he was on a roll .,0,en
Did you hear about the Indian man who was recently employed as a comedian? He got a punjabi.,1,en
I went in to get a brain transplant.. ..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.,1,en
"This winter, ice crystals will stick together and fall from the sky Snow joke",0,en
why is rain the best kind of music? because it has amazing drops .,1,en
i didn't get the joke about the hot air balloon. i think it was over my head,1,en
"I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other",0,en
i handed a blind guy a sheet of sandpaper. he said he couldn't read the fine print,1,en
Which wrestler has the finisher that stings the most? Stone Cold Steve Irwin.,0,en
"My roomate was bragging about getting top comment of the week on theCHIVE. Yeah, I reddit",0,en
What do math majors get when they graduate? A radian. Math majors don't use degrees.,1,en
"Why doesn't Shirley Manson change her Facebook relationship status? She's only happy when ""It's Complicated.""",1,en
What made the insomniac so boring? He just wasn't into resting.,1,en
"Couldn't finish my plate of breakfast nachos, so now I'm furiously searching WebMD for what ails me.",1,en
just ordered a load of bubble wrap off ebay today. just to see what it gets delivered in,0,en
Baby you must be a vector image. Cause no matter how close I look you're still perfect,0,en
why haven't we found aliens yet? because they are searching for intelligent life too .,0,en
Why was the dishwasher broken? Because it was chopping vegetables instead!,0,en
why is stormtrooper always late from work? he keeps missing his train,1,en
Why haven't the aliens visited Earth yet? Because to get to earth they have to fly by Uranus. ,0,en
I'm jobless. I'm making a career out of it,1,en
What gets wet as it dries? Texas after a drought.,1,en
why do mathematicians think that spring is summer? it's not their fault . may tricks them .,1,en
Why did my girlfriend get pregnant Because my mom asked me to load the dishwasher,1,en
"So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library",0,en
What did the horse say when he regained his vision? Merci.,0,en
what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? a quarter pounder with cheese,1,en
why was the cold tap turned on? because the other tap was so hot !,0,en
What do you call moving property? Women,1,en
"How do you say ""be careful"" in french? ""Is that a truck?""",1,en
did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iphone? the cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film .,1,en
"A lettuce, a tomato and a pumpkin had a race The pumpkin fell down squash. The tomato tried to ketchup, but the lettuce came out ahead",1,en
What do you call a chihuahua with a rainbow colored fur? Chihuehue,1,en
"alternative "" for every day that ends in why? "" for every day that ends with your mom .",0,en
"Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot. I would tap that",0,en
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.,0,en
What did the motivational speaker say to the duct? You conduit!,1,en
"My English teacher only left one comment on my entire essay ""vague""",1,en
Making millions of dollars is like breeding rabbits. It's much easier when you start with two,1,en
how does a fish always know how much they weigh? because they have their own scales !,1,en
what do you get when you put your hand in a blender? a hand shake .,1,en
"members of my family suffer from a medical condition called "" death, "" but it only strikes late in life .",1,en
What is Macaulay Culkin's favorite cheese? Provolone,0,en
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives,1,en
Why did he read the book on beating gravity in one sitting? He just couldn't put it down!,0,en
"If the bird of peace if the dove, what's the bird of love? The swallow.",0,en
"Pick up line If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U together. And get rid of the X.",0,en
"chuck norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower .",1,en
"GOD: Done. ANGEL: What is it? GOD: A penguin. ANGEL: So it can fly, right? GOD: This one's a swimmin' bird. ANGEL: Dude... are you ok?",1,en
A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye... Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact. ,0,en
The thing about trees Do you know what's so sad about the trees around the world? The fact that you don't hang yourself on them.,1,en
what's worse than morning wood? mourning wood,0,en
why was the calendar nervous? it's days were numbered !,0,en
"A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.",1,en
A good girl bends at the knees. A great girl bends at the hip,1,en
"If you think about it, malls are really just bazaar.",1,en
"silence is golden . unless they're in the shower and you can't find their phone . in that case, silence is very very suspicious !",1,en
"remember kids! friendly fire , isn't .",0,en
My SO always wanted a Disney wedding. But aparently selling our memories of it to a demon was out of the question,1,en
"I've been investing heavily in stocks... Chicken, beef, vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillonaire!",1,en
"Scone.... Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first.",1,en
How does kurt cobain collect his thoughts? With a squeegee,1,en
"i can't get mad when i hear babies screaming in public because honestly, i feel the same way sometimes .",1,en
"if you give someone some beethoven cds for a gift and they don't like it, you can always take them bach",1,en
"How did the farmhand get a job at reddit? He put ""excellent reposter"" on his resume.",1,en
My Grandad was a great man and went down in history And on one occasion he fingered a girl in geography.,1,en
the monkey at the zoo ruined my new shirt. i should have seen it coming,0,en
What would Chrysler's version of the Ford Focus be called? Chrysler Concentrate,1,en
"if the sheets are still on the bed when it's over, you're doing it wrong .",0,en
you know why you never see i next to y? i don't know why .,0,en
Someone told me Canada had no territories. I was having Nunavut,1,en
I'm heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time,0,en
What game is all the rage with the Ferguson rioters? Truth or Darren Wilson.,0,en
What's a Jedi's favourite programming language? JabbaScript,1,en
"You might not be a Bulls fan, but I know you felt it when this D rose.",0,en
What instrument does the Irish chemist play? The boron.,1,en
why did god have no sense of humor when putting the planets in order? because he didn't want to put uranus at the end of the solar system,1,en
"Stressed Out A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! ' and I said 'Relax man, you're two tents",1,en
Humans are like wallets There insides are valuable,1,en
What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude,0,en
What do you call two couches that are in love with each other? Homosectionals.,1,en
"Have you heard the ""good news"" about Jesus? It's his daughter's quinceanera today so he can't do our lawn",1,en
The mods That's it. That's the joke.,0,en
"What did the woman say when she was diagnosed with cerebal palsy? Nothing, she was too disabled to speak",1,en
I went to forest with my friend and saw a bear I and the bear had a great dinner,0,en
What's a mass in your body that is really helpful? A cyst!,0,en
what do you call a violent buddhist? a zero .,1,en
So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently. I guess you could say he fell from Grease,0,en
What do mice eat during the summer? Micecream,1,en
There's only one way to win every time in both poker and pregnancy With a royal flush,0,en
Why did Marlin and Dory never date? Dory was played by Ellen Degeneres.,0,en
Is your refrigerator running? Then you better go catch it. ,0,en
What do you call Winnie The Pooh's grandmother? Poohnanni,0,en
I couldn't understand why the battery in my cell phone was always flat. Then it occurred to me; it wouldn't fit if it was any other shape,1,en
What does the Pope use to dry his hands? Papal towels.,1,en
"This year for Christmas, I asked for a new pair of scissors. My old pair just wasn't cutting it",1,en
"I often ask myself, what would Jesus do? ... ... then I realize I don't have time to just hang around all day.",1,en
Whats the most important aspect of gun safety to practice around a feminist? Trigger discipline,1,en
What is the difference between a JCB and a giraffe? One has hydraulics the other has high bolics.,1,en
"So my friend is dating twins... ...And I said, ""Isn't it hard to tell them appart? "" He replied with, ""Well not really, the brother has a moustache.""",1,en
I went to the doctor's office for an Alzheimer's test. I can't remember the results,1,en
How did the cow pay for his groceries? With moolah.,1,en
Lara Rabbit: Do you think that's Sophie's natural color? Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.,0,en
doctor doctor i feel like an apple. we must get to the core of this !,0,en
i cant english good? i prefer to speaking to writing on paper so that my grammar isn't as tearable .,1,en
Why did Hawking have a droopy head? Vegetables wilt when you put them out for too long,0,en
What do you call an animal with a long neck and a love for oranges? A Jiraffa.,1,en
"a wise man once said that nothing really dies, it just comes back in a new form then he died .",1,en
what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce,1,en
i've got a joke about odd numbers. it's not even funny,1,en
Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier. if my wardrobe wasn't so fabulous,1,en
I try not to beat my meat. But sometimes it's hard though,1,en
What do Winnie the Pooh and Attila the Hun have in common? The same middle name.,1,en
"if you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about world war two or eleven",1,en
""" i gave him the what for ! "" "" what for? "" "" because he deserved it , that's what for ! """,0,en
"Reality show idea: ""So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson's Nose."" Hidden camera. Tyson isn't in on it.",1,en
why did jon snow need a new battery? for the watch .,0,en
Putting a ring on a woman's finger. is like pulling the ripcord on an inflatable raft,0,en
There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face,1,en
"what did the cow say to the farmer named mitch? moo mitch , get out the hay",0,en
At my work we have a day when we just leave all the phones ringing It's very stressful working at the Samaritans,1,en
"if you watch Titanic from d back; it's about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England",0,en
After doing it once they said a prostate exam is like riding a bike. Without the seat,1,en
"even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit .",0,en
what do you get when you drop a hawaiian pizza? pearl harbor pizza .,1,en
a stock market crash is worse than a divorce. you lose half your money and your wife is still around,1,en
"if you really loved your kids , you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards and backwards. they'll thank you later",0,en
"What did the bookshelf say when it looked in the mirror? ""I can see my shelf""",1,en
What's the opposite of running away and getting married? Anteloping.,1,en
What do people and jellybeans have in common? Nobody likes the black screen ones,1,en
did you hear about the librarian who wanted to get arrested? turns out she just wanted to get booked .,0,en
i was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. i didn't know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating,1,en
"my wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my ocd. "" close the door ten times on your way out , "" i said",1,en
"I have the body of a Greek god! Buddha was a Greek god, right?",0,en
dad : did you get gas? me : ya i got it on the way home from school dad : well if you got gas than you better go to the bathroom !,0,en
What is Minnie Mouse's father's name? Massive Mouse,0,en
I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help But I stand corrected ,1,en
"Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways",0,en
What's the difference between your Pacman high score and your child? I haven't beaten your high score.,0,en
Whats the difference between a child and a bus The bus doesn't complain when you ride it ,0,en
"What does a pound, a dollar and rumble have in common? For a dollar you can get a pound of rubles.",1,en
What's the worst thing to say someone with the coronavirus? Stay positive.,0,en
losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible .,1,en
"Me: I'd like to adopt that baby. Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized platter of Super Nachos",1,en
What is a zoo without animals? The future.,0,en
My friend filled an entire swimming pool up with herbs. He had a lot of thyme on his hands,0,en
"What do you say to ensure another Jehovah's Witness never comes by your house again? Sir, have you heard about the great workout of crossfit",1,en
I am starting a sanctuary for oversized marine mammals. It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees,1,en
"Following someone around is typically defined as ""stalking"" At my university, it's defined as ""finding a parking space""",1,en
"Sometimes when things go bad, I only have other people to blame. I love that",0,en
Q: Who has eight pistols and terrorizes the seas? A: Billy the Squid.,0,en
"Dr: He has a lot of blockage ""So my Dad has a bad heart?"" Dr: He also donates to charity ""So he has a good heart?"" Dr: Ya, it evens out",1,en
They say 'seeing is believing'... Camo isn't real.,1,en
You don't see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking,1,en
"When Yoshi gets sick from eating too many goombas, what procedure should Dr. Mario conduct? A Nintendoscopy!",0,en
"We had a nice, quiet dinner last night. Except for the Celery, of course",1,en
click here for joke. click the back button for joke,0,en
That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet!,0,en
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?,1,en
why did mickey mouse name his dog pluto? because he's not a planet .,1,en
If you came over an upturned tortoise. Would you clean it up,0,en
The future is LED Television RGB is dead...,1,en
So someone gave me a used glove and new one.... So I got one second hand and one first hand.,0,en
"Keep dimming automatically, laptop screen. We love that",0,en
How do you make time fly? Throw a clock,0,en
Why did the cat befriend the dog? Because the dog let the cat out of the bag! Haha!,0,en
What do you call a vegetable with eyes? A guy in a coma,1,en
just finished charging my iphone. lets see how long the battery la,0,en
What's the best part of divorce? Two Kwanzaas,1,en
why are orphans so bad at poker threedots? they don't know what a full house is,1,en
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family,1,en
Lamar Odom suffered a dozen strokes. Tiger Woods is jealous of his low stroke count,1,en
You matter Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy,0,en
"I asked my friend if he goes to the shooting range anymore. ""Nah fam, high school was a long time ago...""",1,en
"A Man has a strange disorder. Whenever he gets worked up, he sweats coffee. He really can pore the coffee.",1,en
Genetically modified organism Could apply to both vegetables,1,en
I'm ambivalent about Mongolian literature. It has its prose and Khans,1,en
I saw my friend at the pool today for the first time in a long time and I said... Hey! WATER you doing here?,0,en
What's a movie that made ophans jealous Finding dory,0,en
what do you call chips that aren't yours? nacho chips,1,en
i met a woman with one leg today. her name was eileen,0,en
"there's awkward, and then there's listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser .",0,en
What did the sorority girl say when she couldn't eat another bite of pie? I literally pecan't right now.,1,en
What do you call a faked pregnancy? A misconception.,1,en
What did the sign say on the abandoned nuclear reactor? Gone fission,1,en
"a man had a nose ring fitted into his nose a friend asked "" how much did you pay for that? "" "" i paid through the nose ! "" he replied",1,en
who named the sperm whales? seamen .,1,en
"my daughter asks for frozen stuff for christmas, so i bought her frozen chips and a packet of peas",1,en
Why did the farmer call his horse Baseball? Because it's covered with horsehide!,1,en
"I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, ""I do. "" If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to",1,en
Pizza Hut is very consistent. The pizza tastes exactly like the box it comes in,1,en
What's a similarity between school and life? It's the best when it's over.,1,en
Why isn't Sean Connery an unmarried roofer? He's not a fan of the shingle life.,0,en
"I love my cat, and my cat loves me. The feline's mutual",0,en
How many hands have I lost? More than I can count on my fingers.,1,en
what usually comes after the monster lights the birthday candles? the fire department .,1,en
"My signature sandwich is called ""Hamnesia"". I forget what's in it",1,en
How did your exam go? Friend: how did your exam go? Me: Awesome! Just like Jesus. Friend:what?? Me: nailed it.,0,en
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I've had similar successes,1,en
What do you call a person who keeps falling over? Tripical,1,en
my wife says i'm too nosy. at least that's what she said in her diary,1,en
jesus christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. he asks can you put me up for the night ?,1,en
I used to be a mage but I couldn't get the staff to continue.,1,en
"The job interviewer asked me to define turnover. I said, ""That's what I do before I go to sleep.""",1,en
wife : we're not talking over the radio . this relationship is over . husband : this relationship is what? over .,0,en
"Who is the brother of Juan Luna? Edi si AnTWOnio Luna. Yeah yeah, the result of being stuck in the traffic. XD",0,en
"anybody taking bath in milk threedots "" why do you take baths in milk? "" "" i can't find a cow tall enough for a shower . """,0,en
"Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on? His body... His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss. ",0,en
What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime? A Ouijaboo.,1,en
"When Chuck Norris bowls, he moves the Earth so the pins will hit the ball",1,en
"Solving racism is like participating in a marathon When you hear the initial bang, one has to finish the race.",1,en
"why do baby clothes have pockets? i've never heard a baby say : "" cigarettes , phone and keys alright let's go """,1,en
I'd give anything to be a philanthropist. That is all,0,en
Just started listening to Fall Out Boy. They're more than I bargained for,0,en
"Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it's time to get groceries.",1,en
"cleaning out the garage , i found some things i didn't even realize i had. like a tent , a new printer , and a fourth kid",1,en
doctor doctor! my sister thinks she's an elevator . tell her to come in . i can't . she doesn't stop at this floor .,0,en
"The comeback, 'Get on my level' 'Get on my level' Reply: 'Okay dude, ill go downwards'",1,en
What is steam? Its what you get when you put water on my mixtape,0,en
"Did you hear Montana has a new use for sheep... Yeah, wool!",0,en
my husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. i think this means he wants me to talk to him,1,en
"what do the average woman and kids on a snow day have in common? they're both hoping for nine inches , but will be happy enough with five .",1,en
"No you are safe, said my mom ""I chose to be antivaxx"" were the words that followed",0,en
What is the difference between a sad person and a happy person? The sad person is married.,1,en
How does a tractor break up with its boyfriend? With a John Deere letter.,0,en
what do you call a business that doesn't sell apple's sea monster? a bus,1,en
"reading popular baby names. once again , adolf is nowhere to be found",1,en
"what is the farmers favorite way to greet someone? "" hay ! """,1,en
I always knock on the fridge door... You never know when there may be a salad dressing.,0,en
the stir fry chef had to make a difficult decision. he was between a wok and a hot plate,1,en
"a dog pisses on an ant... and the ant says ""hey watch it! "" and the dog says ""i don't have a watch""",1,en
"have you ever heard of skrillex? ah forget it threedots i was gonna make a dubstep joke , but i'll just drop it",0,en
"what did the dog say to the tree threedots you've got a lot of bark, but no bite threedots",1,en
Why won't bankers go to the opera? Because they quickly lose interest,1,en
star wars spoiler: ross and rachel end up together in the end .,1,en
Every year tampon companies give away defective tampons No string attached,1,en
"love is not a game. if you think it is , then you're not playing it right",0,en
What is a neckbeard's favourite email client? G'mail,0,en
"the only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it .",0,en
please pray for me: i recently found out that nobody's praying for me,0,en
Where did all the TV remotes go when you can't find them? To a remote island...,0,en
"After the man was named bishop by the church, what was his next move? Diagonal",0,en
what's the do a girlfriend and an ice cream cone have in common? the ones that are hot don't last as long,1,en
"a local business in my town has an open carry discount . as in, you show them a gun to save money . doesn't that discount apply everywhere ?",1,en
"No trees were killed to send this tweet, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.",0,en
If I ever move to Nazareth I'm going to open a cheese shop. It'll be called Cheeses of Nazareth,1,en
"hey mark , do you want a threesome? so go home fast . perhaps you arrive on time .",0,en
Jesus made a bridge to heaven Using two pieces of wood,1,en
"why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? because if you'll eat that stuff , you'll eat anything .",1,en
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that's hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what,1,en
what's the difference between god and pilots? god doesn't think he's a pilot .,1,en
"i'm the human version of samwise gamgee, can't destroy the ring but make sure it gets home so someone else can",0,en
"the device will work much better, if you turn it on .",0,en
"A man went to the doctors office and said ""I've broken my arm in several places"". The Doctor tells him ""Well, you should stop going to those places""",1,en
Whats the difference between a car and a Jew? One is meant for gass.,1,en
"while memes are a great gateway to wasting your life away online,, they're not for everyone. ask your doctor if memes are right for you",0,en
"My daughter has gotten to the age where she has become obsessed about how she looks. Everytime guests come over, she begs me for clothes.",1,en
Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes? Me: I'm flattered you think I'm a model but I'll just look at the regular homes,1,en
i don't dance. unless it's for money,0,en
the supermarket ran out of soup. they were out of stock,1,en
When I worked at the shoe store. I was the sole employee,1,en
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because... ...of the indoor fins...,1,en
I think Ronda Rousey would be at a disadvantage if she fought Floyd Mayweather. Mayweather has had practice beating women,1,en
What do you call a group of wheelchair bound comedians? Veggietales.,1,en
"How do Freudians describe the human mind? As a huge ENEMA, I mean huge enigma.....",1,en
why did i join twitter? well i was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so i wanted to branch out .,1,en
Imagine being alive... Juice WRLD can't imagine,0,en
"jesus and mary will occasionally appear on toast , or pancake , or waffles . always breakfast foods . why? because it's the most important meal .",1,en
What do sloths and people with depression have in common? They both hang in trees,1,en
A girl winked at me.... With her both eyes,1,en
i feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. i hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor,1,en
"Have you heard of the Greek version of monopoly? It's called Monopopolous, and you just borrow all the money from the bank. Everybody loses",1,en
What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city? Nadasaki,1,en
Just a test How many comments before it gets locked.,0,en
A rolling stone. somebody pushed it,0,en
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like? No, sun.",0,en
"My only goal in life is to be immortal So far, so good",0,en
any jokes i can tell my teachers? i would love some jokes to tell to my teachers : d,0,en
How do we know that Jesus was ahead of his time? He was into body piercing before it was cool,1,en
For decades now microwave designers have labored under the false assumption that people want extra features on their microwave. They don't,1,en
"A: Took my temperature today. B: Oh really? A: No, rectally.",0,en
LPT: Never tell a sound technician how they are doing. They hate feedback,1,en
What did the zoophile scientist say to his assistant? If you need me I'll be in my lab,1,en
"Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, ""I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."" Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.",1,en
"The ""r"" in woman stands for rights Yep,exactly",1,en
What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night? No wonder you called the company Microsoft,0,en
Just because I can't spell Armygeddan. Doesn't mean its the end of the world,0,en
"Girlfriends are like screws. Except once you've loosened them, there's no way to tighten them back up",1,en
What do you call a pirates thong? A whispering eye patch.,1,en
walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today. then smile and walk away,0,en
"Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.",1,en
What is Oscar Pistorius's new favourite band? Bullets For My Valentine,0,en
I like my steak like Africa likes their water I'm a vegan,1,en
"An Iraqi father gave his daughter a new bag. She said: ""thanks for the Baghdad""",1,en
"INTERESTING FACT: The song ""Hurt So Good"" was written after John Mellencamp ate too much delicious Mexican food.",1,en
"what did sean connery say when a book fell on his head? "" i have only my shelf to blame """,1,en
"interviewer : when were you most satisfied at your last job? me : after lunch , next question .",1,en
What do you get when Hurricane Chris tries to sell a large body of water connected to an ocean? eBay bay ,0,en
relationships are like algebra. do you ever look at your x and wonder y ?,1,en
Petshop Man goes in to petshop and asks for a pet wasp. 'I'm sorry sir we don't sell wasps' 'But you've got one in the window',0,en
What did the teacher do when his bike broke down? He went on a quadrant.,1,en
"Having trouble keeping track of which celebrities are alive and which ones are dead? Here, use my Heath ledger.",0,en
"when you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text .",1,en
What is white and sticky Ice cream,0,en
"omg you got a new boyfriend? congratulations , who is it this week",0,en
Girls be like I know a spot and then wash it with dish soap,1,en
i tried searching on google for ' lost medieval servant boy '. it told me ' this page cannot be found ',0,en
how do you know ancient egyptians loved books so much? because they built their stuff with reads !,1,en
Did you know John Lennon was really into bukkake?  Yeah the lyrics are really spelt: Cum together Right now Over me,1,en
My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace. After a few hours I finally found the exit,1,en
reflection on human being in the world there are two kinds of persons: those who finish what they started and those,1,en
"My wife believes in compromise If we agree on something we do it my way, and if we disagree we do it her way.",1,en
"Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff",1,en
What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering? A Boa Constructor,1,en
Why did Carrie Underwood run out of cheese? Because Jesus took the wheel.,0,en
what do you do if life gives you lemonade? make lemons out of it and life will be like whaaaat,0,en
"if buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years .",1,en
how do you call it when a blond girl dyes her hair brunette? artificial intelligence .,1,en
i gave my girlfreind my nine inch nail. and we got closer,0,en
What do you call baptizing of a kid? Bukkake,1,en
What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits? Speedos !,1,en
Wich month was Chadwick Boseman born?? July.,0,en
"him : your body is like poetry me : that's so nice! h : a haiku m : threedots h : little on the top , big in the middle , little on the bottom m : just stop",0,en
"a sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "" come on it will only take a half hour to fix """,1,en
What do you call it when a neurologist is found embezzling and he later runs away? A Fraudian slip.,1,en
What did Kurtis Blow tell his son when teaching him how to drive? THESE are the brakes!,1,en
"how to know if a cat is male or female , from far? put a cup of milk on the floor . if he comes it's a male and if she comes it's a female !",0,en
Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted? Some blame it on the conductor.,1,en
what did the cat say when he lost all his money? i'm paw !,0,en
my girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. i was so excited that i ran to another country and have never seen her from then,1,en
Bees! Beavers! Let's settle this once and for all: WHO'S BUSIER?,0,en
what's the difference between france and texas. about ten people,1,en
why did the train get hit by lighting? because of the conductor .,1,en
Saw a monkey hanging from his tail in a tree Upon closer inspection I realized it was a rope,1,en
what's high in the middle and round on both ends? ohio .,0,en
"Betsy Ross: ""Let's put some happy little stars in a circle on the flag"" Many years later, an heir of hers, Bob, would say something similar",1,en
"What do you call it when half the cast of an old Western TV series likes ice cream, and the other half doesn't? A Bonanza split!",1,en
"Learn cursive, they said. You'll need it your whole life, they said",1,en
What's the difference between cows and bulls? It takes longer to milk the bull.,1,en
"Last night, I woke up to the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my room. At first I was afraid, I was petrified",1,en
What do you call milk at the edge of a cliff? Legendary,1,en
Q: Why did the computer squeak? A: Someone stepped on the mouse.,0,en
Why do Catholics eat fish on Good Friday? Because Jesus died for our fins.,1,en
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam? There were too many missed stakes,1,en
What is it called when a chemist has a really great winter break? Litmus,0,en
What does a deaf gynecologist do? He reads lips lol,1,en
"There is a new Apple product in the Rogue One teaser trailer We don't know what it is yet, but at least now we know its name. ""iRebel""",0,en
What do you call a book filled with outlines of Star Wars characters? A Kylo Ren Book,0,en
"circumcision. my parents paid the bill , but i left the tip",1,en
"Occam's Disposable Razor When given multiple equally valid choices, choose the one that costs the least money.",1,en
how did the chickens dance at the christmas party? chick to chick !,0,en
dating tip : size does matter! tell her how big your tv is .,0,en
What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence? Fresh prints.,0,en
"i'm an astronaut , and recently decided to invite my girlfriend to my work. she said she needed some space",1,en
do you know why they call them sperm whales? because they're delicious !,1,en
"I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold. But now I know it actually means ""getting back at somebody""",1,en
What's the difference between a baby and a condom? Babies break easier,0,en
"there are two kind of women in this world. those who get mad about everything , and those who get mad about nothing",0,en
why did the termite got divorced? because she ate the secretary .,1,en
"Travelers to India joke that the country name is an acronym for, I'll Never Do It Again!",1,en
to the woman who keeps pounding and screaming at my door all night: i'm not letting you go threedots,1,en
"Real person: Do you have Twitter? I'll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don't have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..",0,en
What do you call a cow masterbating? Beef strokinoff,0,en
How do you know an Ethiopian child is still alive? When more flies are flying in than out.,1,en
"daddy, what's for dinner ? "" did you have cereal for breakfast ? "" no "" then cereal """,0,en
How do trains from different countries understand each other? With a trainslator,1,en
did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films? he's not a star though he just does bit parts !,1,en
How do Russians drive to Alaska? By bearing straight,1,en
do you know the difference between a carrot and a fork? if you don't you should be more careful when you eat !,0,en
i figured i'd just think of a punch line and then try to make a joke out of it. what did the comedian say when asked how he came up with his last joke ?,1,en
"paul walker was in eight below threedots threedots and now, he's six below .",0,en
what did the pope give up for lent? his job .,1,en
A squirrel had dynamite. He was trying to bust a nut,0,en
Did you know that Auschwitz was good for the health? Everyone quit smoking.,1,en
What do SQL programmers do at night? Count star.,1,en
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel !,0,en
Why do burgers run the gauntlet? To test their meattle!,1,en
""" did you get a haircut? "" "" no , i dyed the tips of my hair invisible threedots """,0,en
"I would like to make a pun about philosophy, ... ...but I Kant.",1,en
"I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute",0,en
What do you call a gnome who dresses nice? A metronome!,1,en
my bank is really proud of me. they keep calling to tell me i have an outstanding balance,1,en
why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? because of inflation,1,en
Rhianna How does Rhianna look after a date with Chris Brown? White and gold.,0,en
"Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything",1,en
"Did John Knott mind being the only cited author on his group's research paper? Knott, et al.",1,en
How does a dishwasher make his money? Panhandling,1,en
What kind of music does a factory worker listen to? Industrial Metal,1,en
"My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once",0,en
"If ""the big one"" hits L.A., they say the sewer system will be out of commission for six months. So how will they tell?",1,en
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long in Africa,1,en
what does a south korean call their lover? their seoul mate .,1,en
how does an alzheimer's patient celebrate new years? kissing strangers .,1,en
"if i asked you to sleep with me , yes or no. would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one ?",1,en
When a syrian goes to Europe The average IQ of both countries decreases,1,en
"Do you know the meaning ""Happy wife, happy life""? I tend to go with ""Happy wife, extended life.""",1,en
"Old Twitter is what you'd get if an engineer brought New Twitter to Steve Jobs, and Steve beat on him relentlessly to simplify it.",1,en
I saw a racially tolerant orchestra. None of them were bassists,1,en
"whatever happened to that little girl from the ring, did she grow up to be kristen stewart ?",0,en
"Today I've decided to rename things in the office to start with ""i"" like Apple. There's iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday",0,en
"aliens : take me to your leader me : hey babe, is it okay if we have company ?",0,en
"Did you hear about the HVAC technicians who got into an argument? At first it was heated, but they got some fresh air then things cooled off",1,en
"What has no arms, no legs, and was scattered into a river? Kurt Cobain's ashes. ",0,en
Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden? ... A month later he was picking his teeth,0,en
Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.,0,en
"did you know that nascar fans are the easiest people to make fun of? as soon as they start chasing you down , all you have to do is turn right .",1,en
what do you call the history of a car? an autobiography .,1,en
What is a knight's favourite fish? A swordfish!,0,en
How does a bottle of glue named Ed answer the phone? Ed here,0,en
my friend said i twist everything to my advantage. i took it as a compliment,1,en
"my grandpa dropped this one on me over the phone. i'll see you in church , make sure you sit by the window",0,en
What's the similarity between Polish and polish. They can both be removed with chemicals.,1,en
my wife told me she wanted to go somewhere she's never been before. i told her to try the kitchen,1,en
"why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? just when it's getting interesting , they're finished until next time .",1,en
When a roofer works pro bono. It's on the house,1,en
What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.,0,en
My grandfather got caught cutting corners at work and received a promotion! He was in charge of laying the railroad track.,1,en
"chuck norris doesnt wear a watch, he decides what time it is .",0,en
your cough sounds much better this morning? it should . i've been practicing all night !,0,en
How do bulls drive their cars? They steer them!,1,en
which big cat should you never play cards with? a cheetah !,0,en
I saw a blind couple yesterday They said it was love at first sight.,0,en
"Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I'd need a ouija board",0,en
"ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather. ME: IT'S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT'S IT FOR THE WEATHER",0,en
"So I was really excited for the new Arcade Fire album. But then I remembered, it's just a Reflektor",1,en
did you hear about the christian rapper who went missing? he never did turn up .,1,en
I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend,1,en
"me : i wish i could just go back to the good old day friend : don't you mean good old days? me : no , i just had the one",0,en
What do you call an upbeat and reasonable fortune teller? A happy medium.,1,en
"I started downloading Jaws the other day But after one megabyte, my computer died.",0,en
My fish is special He can float upside down.,0,en
"I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.",0,en
"Son, we don't play Hungry Hungry Hippos for ""fun. "" We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity",1,en
I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking He said he was busy and I'd just have to be a little patient.,1,en
"girl if you though you saw the whole bakery, you ain't seen muffin yet",0,en
if theres liquid water on mars i dont care about it. im not going to drink it,0,en
What kind of car does an Icelandic person drive? A Fjord,1,en
Clothes make the man. Indonesian children make the clothes,1,en
which ant is the biggest? elephant,0,en
"just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "" no ! "" and then more quietly, "" we talked about this ! """,1,en
"My wife was shocked to see me digging up my father's grave. I don't understand, I told her the new TV was gonna cost an arm and a leg.",0,en
BIack Jokes are funny Jack BIack is my favorite actor.,1,en
"Me: Can I have a quickie? Waitress: Sir, it's pronounced ""quiche"".",1,en
What's so similar about Nagasaki and Saganaki? They both went up in flames.,0,en
cop : seen anything unusual? me : a dolphin with a hat once cop : i mean around here me : nah they live in water,1,en
I want to play russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. The idea is not playing a game it's just to let it all hang out.,1,en
"post and repost were sitting in a boat. post fell out , so who was left ?",0,en
"Teachers in school told me I wouldn't amount to anything, now i'm laughing all the way to the bank. To dispute my most recent overdraft fee",1,en
"jim : what shall we name our new playground invention? roy : idk . the playground business sure is a jungle , jim . jim : threedots say that again .",0,en
What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles? Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.,1,en
i identify as an employee wherever i go. now i can use any bathroom i need to,1,en
how do you keep someone curious? i'll tell you on my next post,0,en
My poker hand has something in common with a broken toilet. No flush.,1,en
Why are the Lightswitches so high in germany? So children learn early how to greet properly,1,en
"i got a job at a circle making factory! sadly , i was fired today because i was cutting corners",1,en
How do you play a big game of Hungry Hippos? Go to a weight watchers meeting and roll Maltesers down the middle of their meeting circle.,1,en
I was going to try and convert my friend to nihilism. But I decided it would be pointless,1,en
question : what goes up and never comes down? answer : up,1,en
i have a friend who is a jehovah's witness. he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when i ignored him,1,en
If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes. Will she be Rivers Phoenix,0,en
A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea. Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool,1,en
There's a metal band that plays while on soapy water. Slipknot,1,en
What were the first Rice Krispie Treat makers? Fat Man and Little Boy,0,en
"spoiler alert for the lady in this line , repeatedly asking her newborn ' what's wrong? ' its not gonna answer ya .",0,en
"Five years ago, I couldn't see the forest through the trees, but now I can. Thank goodness for loggers and strip malls!",0,en
q : what kind of flower grows on your face? a : tulips .,0,en
"The lizard and I have so much respect for each other's privacy When I enter room, she leaves. When she enters the room, I leave",1,en
"Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.",0,en
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got Sony surround sound system. ,1,en
A new bloodbank made for mosquitoes has been opened BuzzFeed is satisfied with the high amount of sales.,1,en
"I recently started resistors in Physics It's good, but the teacher gives way too much Ohmwork.",1,en
"I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice. but he's having Nunavut",1,en
How many yankees fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just stand in the dark talking about how good the old one was.,1,en
"Listen, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want but that's just what your face really looks like.",0,en
I like my women like my Bethesda games Underdeveloped,0,en
"how to pass a very difficult exam? change your name to time , time always passes no matter what",1,en
"i was only young when i learned to count threedots i was only young when i learned to count. it was odd at first , even then",0,en
i wanted to go as the invisible man for halloween this year. but my girlfriend made me put my clothes back on,1,en
"You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'... The only exception is 'people.'",1,en
"can i have your picture, so santa claus knows exactly what to give me on this christmas .",0,en
"After seeing the ""Women don't talk much in Star Wars"" video. Maybe that's how they got so much done",1,en
It is nearly impossible to find an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. They are all optical Aleutians,1,en
today i discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. tomorrow i'm going to try three,0,en
"A Catholic named Jose climbed mount Olympus. He saw God at the top and said ""Hey! Zeus!""",1,en
"as far as i can tell, a picture is basically just a way short video",1,en
I do embrace change. But I rather prefer notes.,1,en
What was Confucius' favorite comfort food? Macaroni and Qi.,1,en
I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check,0,en
Did you hear about the hermit in the storm cloud? I heard the advice he gives is enlightning!,0,en
How are babies like hinges? They are things to adore,1,en
What's the difference between Jimmy Savile and a greyhound. The Greyhound waits for the hair to appear first,1,en
""" i have a newt named tiny . "" "" why do you call it tiny? "" "" because it's my newt . """,1,en
"Now I see why the Jamaica's flag is Green,yellow and black. It's the color bananas go",1,en
What is the noun used to describe people from Syria? Refugees,1,en
"I just asked my dad what his favourite part about being a teacher is. He responded with June, July, and August",1,en
Sir Isaac Newton dies Everybody: ma,1,en
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house,0,en
"When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity. I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat",0,en
"i don't suffer from insanity, i enjoy every minute of it .",0,en
What's the layman term for mastectomy? Ground Zero. ,1,en
"The benefits of drinking more water include having to go to the bathroom more where you can be on your phone in peace, and that's it.",1,en
how do you get a kid out from a microwave? please answer before my wife gets home !,0,en
what did the kiwi statue said to the other kiwi statue? statue bro,0,en
"Why did the random person cross the road Because he wanted to end this suffer called ""Automod"".",1,en
If a tree falls on a woman and there's no one around to hear it. then what was a tree doing in the kitchen,0,en
I tried to watch the paralympic games. I couldn't though because the channel was disabled,1,en
"love so rare, you can still hear it moo .",0,en
it's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. but now they are texting,0,en
"the holocaust wasn't expensive, you could say it had a low holocost",1,en
guaranteed weight loss! stop eating,0,en
"Usually when I try to be slick and say ""keep the change, "" the money I've handed over doesn't cover what I'm trying to purchase",1,en
"somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies .",0,en
what does a laser in a church sound like? pew pew pew !,0,en
"they probably could have called lightbulbs , just "" bulbs "". most people would still get it",1,en
"Stephen Hawking died. When going into his house, what do they find at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking.",0,en
"What kind of toothpaste do MLG use? Pretty much anything, just no Scope.",1,en
What's a penguins favorite relative? His Aunt Artica!,0,en
At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!,0,en
"A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India. I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway",1,en
What pokemon spys on you while he has a cold? Peek achoo!,0,en
She gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.,1,en
"girl, you must be saint peter threedots cuz you've denied me three times already .",0,en
What was the stressed out toddler diagnosed with? Diapertension,1,en
Did you hear about that glacier off the coast of Italy? It was a Romaine Iceberg,1,en
What do you call a rabbin who is turning catholic? Grabbin,1,en
"In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.",1,en
my doctor told my my stool was loose. i should have warned him about sitting on it,1,en
why can you always trust a bee without wings? because it's down to earth .,0,en
"I'm really glad I'm taking physics... ...because although my grade falling, at least I can calculate it's velocity.",1,en
What do you call a group of Amputees? A chopped salad.,1,en
"go to a fancy restaurant . order the lobster . order it alive . when it comes, order food for your new pet lobster . then take lobster home .",0,en
"""Are you from Cincinnati? "" ""No. Bosboston.""",0,en
A good woman is easy to find. You just have to go to the cemetery and dig one up,0,en
what's the difference between a redditor and a brick? the brick will eventually get laid .,0,en
Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it.,1,en
Someone was told me that they were an actor. I told them I wanted coconut milk in my chai latte,1,en
"So I am a poet and a novelist challenges me to a fight. So I say ""Come at me, prose""",1,en
I need a new waffle iron. These waffles are still wrinkled,0,en
what does a musician train do when running from the law? covers tracks,1,en
what happens when i find a good joke? i reddit .,0,en
What is Miley Cyrus's favorite color? Twerquoise,0,en
"I'm the kind of guy who doesn't live by the rules, I do whatever I like. And what is it that I like to do? Follow the rules.",1,en
What's a wombat for? For playing wom,1,en
why did the basketball receive medical attention? he was passed out .,1,en
"What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.",1,en
"i heard a swimmer shout "" help shark help! i just laughed . i knew the shark wasn't going to help him",1,en
who is the bees favourite singer? sting !,0,en
Just got the best head of my life And my daughter doesn't even know it was not her pacifier,1,en
What do you call an acoustic band playing at a euthanasia conference? Unplugged.,1,en
Why do moths fly with their legs spread? Have you ever seen the size of mothballs,1,en
My girlfriend asked me if I felt like aural. I think that's where it goes in one ear and out the other,1,en
Where does a bee put its stinger? In its honey,1,en
why did the eagle fly into the church? it was a bird of pray,1,en
what did jamal get for christmas? your bike,0,en
Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.,0,en
What's an idealist vegetarian's favorite meal? Peas and hominy,1,en
what is it called when you throw a tin can into a recycling bin? a recycling tin !,0,en
"do you speak sign language? no , we sign it .",1,en
Why did the corona virus help the old person cross the street? Because it likes helping old people cross over to the otherside,1,en
vegan ribs are actually delicious! the hardest part is hunting down the vegan .,1,en
Did you hear about Mr. Pizza's divorce? His wife got full crustody and half his dough.,0,en
The reasons for reincarnation It has been said there are seven reasons for reincarnation. The first is sex. The other six do not matter.,1,en
How do you interrupt a Redditor's winning streak? The Game,1,en
"Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights. However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts",1,en
why are lions more religious than other animals? they prey regularly .,1,en
What is a woman? A broom's motor,0,en
"If my inlaws break a bylaw, does it make them outlaws? Would any lawyer be in a preposition to answer this one for me",1,en
A Physics major finds his girlfriend in bed with another man. He threatens to take matters into his own hands,1,en
I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet. I was robbed at ballpoint.,1,en
How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.,1,en
What is another name for a birth day? Labour day!,0,en
What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand? Confused.,1,en
"Did you see saw? I saw Saw. You see Saw II? I saw Saw II too. Going to see Saw IV? I didn't see Saw III, what am I going to see Saw IV for?",0,en
i just lost my left arm and left leg in an accident. i'm all right now,0,en
it's been five minutes since adobe asked me to install an update. i hope they didn't go out of business or something,0,en
What did they call the suave printer salesman? Prints Charming,1,en
What do u call a highschool girlfriend Rental property,1,en
"Why didn't the coffee and the tea get along? Because they were being ""brewed""",1,en
My girlfriend's been trying to help me with my finances. I think I'd be better off a loan,1,en
why men shop at costco? because it's a hoe sale .,1,en
What did the zookeeper say when the squirrel finally got the nut? Sir please leave,0,en
"a penny for your thoughts, five bucks if they're naughty .",0,en
I am a impatient person So I decided to abort.,0,en
I don't see why everyone is up in arms about Oscar Pistorius. Haven't we all woken up legless and fired a few into the missus,0,en
why can't you lift weights on monday? it's a week day .,1,en
Iceland passed away last week. its last wishes were for its ashes to be scattered across Europe,1,en
"A friend of mine just retired from the Department of Statistics, he has truly taken leave of his census.",1,en
What is Bear Grylls' favourite vegetable? Leek.,0,en
i regret buying that straight jacket. thought it would look good on me but i just can't pull it off,0,en
"what happened when justin bieber went to michael jackson's house? nothing , michael liked boys .",0,en
"dear lord thank you for these noodles i'm about to eat, ramen",0,en
What happened to the butterfly that ate too much marble? He shaterpillar.,0,en
"want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? if you were reading this hoping i really had the answer , it's over . you're welcome .",0,en
What do you call a place monks go for Halloween? A monascary,1,en
"think about the nicest thing anyone's ever said about you. not really true , right ?",0,en
"why did the dog become a lawyer but the cat couldn't? the cat couldn't pass the "" bark exam """,1,en
what do you get when you remove the center board from a wood bridge? a paradox .,1,en
"Anne Frank's famous last words. Brb, door",0,en
give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside. teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again,0,en
Did you hear about Oprah's new diet? Neither did she,1,en
I saw the most beautiful blueish green bird endlessly carrying water from city to city... It was an aqua duck.,0,en
"my facebook movie is okay, but the book was better .",0,en
There is a way to bypass being ratelimited message me to learn how,0,en
"with all the different ways to sat the same jokes , how would you know it's not a repost? you just wait for the comments to link you up .",0,en
what kind of story does a rabbit tell? a fluffy tale .,1,en
I'm in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band,1,en
"What's your favourite onomatopoeic word? Mine's ""silence"".",1,en
what do you call a singing goat that lives by the sea? billy ocean,1,en
I had an Ethiopian blend of coffee this morning. It didn't taste very rich,1,en
why did the lion always lose at poker? he was playing with a bunch of cheetahs !,0,en
Cameron boyce I guess Cameron Boyce wont ever become Cameron mance,0,en
"I heard Lincoln is doing well in theaters Traditionally, this has not been true.",1,en
I have compiled a list of the worst chocolated See the list below,0,en
Black is... One of my favorite Xbox games.,0,en
My wife and I couldn't decide on which psychic to go and see. But we were able to come to a happy medium,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who lived in a tyre? He got a puncture and now he lives in a Flat,1,en
When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant. I was shocked,1,en
If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar. He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf,1,en
I can't take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what get for buying a pure bread dog,1,en
How'd Florida man break his leg raking leaves? He fell off the palm tree,0,en
"My safe word is ""keep going. "" It's led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!",1,en
If someone on this sub discovers a new type of rock they should name it something funny. Amirite?,0,en
I heard some new music today and I can't be sure if I liked it or not. It was called Schrodinger Scat,1,en
What stopped the suicidal boy from jumping? The Rope.,0,en
"What did one mandarin say to the other mandarin? I don't know, I don't speak Mandarin.",1,en
I was diagnosed with ADHD last week. But my doctor sa,0,en
What do you call a car if you don't know its gender? Mitsuheshe.,0,en
"When I was a kid, we had our own personal chef Chef Boyardee",1,en
Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer? General Mills,0,en
Does anyone have a glass of juice? Mine had a seizure and fell on the floor,1,en
I saw a girl off in the distance...  She had horizon me... ,0,en
"I'm gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.",0,en
Ordered food from Ethiopia There was only a cardboard box.,1,en
"whats the deal with shemales? you don't call them she, and they're not male",1,en
Did y'all know elevators had code pink modes? It's awfully nice of the elevator to give me some privacy with my new wife.,1,en
"my grandfather always said , "" don't watch your money , watch your health. "" so one day while i was watching my health , my grandfather stole my money",1,en
Don't argue with strangers on the Internet. Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen,0,en
How do mountains see? They peek,1,en
i'm going to be the first person to land on the sun! i know what your thinking and thats why i will be going at night .,0,en
"I woke up, did my tax return, aced my exam, right before going into labor and giving birth It was a reproductive day.",1,en
why was the doctor stressed? he was losing his patients,1,en
"i wonder which lie came first: "" oops , wrong hole ! "" or "" that's never happened before ! "" ?",1,en
what do you say to a motivated ghost? that's the spirit !,0,en
what did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? hard cheese .,1,en
"Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it'd be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.",1,en
"unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes .",0,en
"After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt",0,en
What do you call the cleavage of someone with breast implants? Silicone Valley,1,en
"tomorrow is saturday threedots threedots that means i only have to worry about work, i don't have to actually be there .",0,en
where does stevie wonder park his car? in blind spots .,1,en
hey home shopping network: we have the internet now .,0,en
Where did Timmy good after the explosion? Everywhere.,0,en
A nihilist was robbed at gunpoint. Nothing of value was stolen,1,en
how do you know if someone went to harvard? they tell you .,1,en
What did the sad chickpea say? I falafel,0,en
"""Pool"" in Spanish is ""Piscina"". They know",1,en
What did the bro say to the bro who couldn't make it to the party because he didn't have a car? Do you even Lyft,0,en
What is Robb Stark's least favorite band? The Fray,1,en
"Today I was able to move a homeless guy into a gated community with my truck. Heaven still has a gate, right?",1,en
i love it when a girl takes control. birth control specifically,1,en
"My Math teacher asked me if I have learnt about angles yeah, to a degree",1,en
"The news said a condom truck overturned, spilled its huge load and made a big mess. I don't know if it got cleaned up because I fell asleep",1,en
I love puns about England. They really Brighton my day,1,en
"teacher , how can we keep the school clean teacher : "" how can we keep the school clean? "" student : "" by staying home """,1,en
"is there a scientific name for the state where you're not hungry but you want to keep eating, besides "" awake """,1,en
"I'm no architect, but I don't think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.",1,en
"My buddy used to say ""why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room."" He's still single.",1,en
"Where does the neckbeard get his water? The well, actually.",0,en
what do they call the lottery in africa? celebrity adoption .,1,en
"book that helped teacher : "" which book has helped you the most in your life? "" student : "" my father's check book ! """,1,en
why did the cook go to jail? he was caught beating the egg,1,en
I can't be her sugar dady I have diabetes.,0,en
"With all these new apple devices, what's gonna be next? The iPoor",0,en
How did the high speed car chase end? Caught eem! Hahaaa caught eem.,0,en
"Interviewer: ""Describe yourself in three words.""  Me: ""Efficient.""",1,en
What is a depressed German with Celiac disease unlikely to have tomorrow? A Gluten Morgan,1,en
What do Peacocks mate with? Peacunts,1,en
What does a garden use to kiss? Tulips.,1,en
"what did pink panther say when he stepped on ant? nothing , pink panther doesn't talk !",0,en
q . what is the color of the wind? a . blew .,0,en
why was michael jackson always late for meetings? because he was always coming in a little behind .,1,en
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes date : what about me? hawaiian themed bathroom fire,1,en
If Ursa Minor is made up of stars. is it safe to call it a Solar Bear,1,en
When does a tree want less? When it's sycamore.,1,en
She moaned And I closed the coffin,0,en
"Say what you will about Kurt Cobain's music, But he sure went out with a bang!",1,en
"A wise meteorologist once told me. Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have",1,en
how is evolution and a union construction job similar? they take so long that some people don't believe they don't work .,1,en
"I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.",0,en
who won the monster beauty contest? no one .,0,en
what is not the answer to this question? not this .,0,en
My mum always told me it's better out than in. But my uncle always told me that it's better in than out,1,en
what do you do after you make a rough castle on the beach? you sand it !,0,en
There are two kinds of people. Those who can't finish other peoples sentences,1,en
What did the chef say when he was skipped in rotation? Hey that's my toque!!,0,en
q : when driving through fog what should you use? a : your car .,0,en
"wife : how was the doctor? me : bad i'm dying wife : i know , how was the doctor",1,en
Jfk's experience in Texas was so great that His mind was blown.,1,en
Nick Kroll and Amy Poehler are moving to France to start a family. They want a house full of French Krollers,1,en
"a boy comes home from school and gives his mother his report card . "" why is this wet? "" she asks . "" because it's below c level . """,1,en
""" drop it like it's hot, "" is my favorite song about dropping stuff that's hot .",1,en
did you hear the one about the chicken and the egg? they were trying to get each other off !,0,en
"going to see the new batman tonight, heard it got killer reviews .",0,en
How do rocks feel about moss? It's growing on them.,1,en
i want to work for youtube . it sounds so easy! all you have to do is remove a few lines of code everyday,0,en
What do you call a picture of smoke? A Jewish family photo,1,en
"""Johnny the sky is the limit. "" Thus, Johnny's dreams of becoming an astronaut were ruined",1,en
How do you call a girl whose thicc af? Bootiful,1,en
why are there no cats in germany? because they have nein lives .,1,en
"My daughter wanted to have a Disney princess tea party. I couldn't find the tea or the dresses, so I settled for Taco Belle",1,en
What do you call mail that likes to have fun? Outgoing mail.,1,en
My new american football video game has so many glitches. It's really maddening,1,en
"My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I'm not even Jaoquin.",1,en
"If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?",1,en
what is the most confusing holiday in harlem? father's day .,1,en
"I eventually understood USB Type C design. And now, I can't really see any downside in it",1,en
why did the horse get a divorce? it didn't have a stable relationship .,1,en
what did darth vader do when his itunes stopped responding? he force quit .,0,en
"There's a cat curled up on my pillow, and I'd probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.",0,en
Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo.,1,en
"why do people say, "" you can't make this stuff up . "" nope . not true at all . you can literally make up anything you want anytime .",1,en
"vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house",0,en
How do you project confidence? Multiply by the cosine of the angle.,0,en
Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy? Because he only made a good buccaneer.,1,en
"What's white, purple, and in my house? My wife",0,en
Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.,0,en
"ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog. BOSS: What's updog? ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.",0,en
"Windows: ""You may be the victim of software counterfeiting"" no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I",0,en
"I just heard Avici died. Oh, man... ",0,en
It's Christmas jumper season... No wonder the trains were so delayed this morning...,0,en
What's the difference between a Christmas star and a bad pickling job? One brightly shines...,0,en
What's the similarity between a black hole and grass? They don't emit light.,1,en
what do you do if your video card driver keeps crashing? take away it's drivers license .,0,en
men are like power tools. they make a lot of noise but it's hard to get them to work,1,en
What's the best part about surviving a school shooting? You get to search for wallets from the bodies,1,en
"how do you keep redditors in suspense? i dunno , i'll tell ya tomorrow",1,en
what's the difference between a whale and a toaster? you didn't pop out of a toaster .,0,en
"My current girlfriend is very similar to my last one. For instance, neither of them exist",1,en
A quick tip for dog owners. Adjust the collar as the grow.,1,en
yuhhhhhhhh who wanna see a magic trick,0,en
what is a doctor's most important quality? patience !,0,en
"friend ran in the boston marathon, he said he had a blast but can't feel his legs .",1,en
fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon .,0,en
What happens to an egg every time you look at it? It becomes eggs sighted.,1,en
Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.,1,en
"When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says ""hey, I just wanna be friends.""",1,en
I spell happyness like that. Because there is no I in happyness. ,0,en
"As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to ""Have a good day"" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home",1,en
All of my attempts to fertilize my chickens' eggs have failed... I guess I'm not potent enough. ,1,en
What did the arsonist use to set the Amazon Warehouse on fire? Amazon kindle.,0,en
"what's in a name ? boy asks a girl : is your name wifi ? girl : no, why ? boy : because i am feeling a connection .",0,en
"how do you cook toilet paper? it's easy , you first brown it and then put it into the pot .",1,en
how can you tell two people are married? both are yelling at the same kid .,0,en
Why is it best to be inside by dark during Xenomorph mating season? They moistly only come out at night...moistly.,1,en
"Please Watch Out For Black Ice... It looks like regular ice, but when you slip and get back up, your wallet is gone. ",0,en
"your lawyer and your wife are drowning ! quick ! you must make a decision ! should you go to the movies, or order pizza ?",0,en
What do you get when you do laundry and accidentally leave chocolate in your pocket? Lindt choclate.,0,en
"Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.",0,en
"old navy is like my weird friend from third grade. like , i know we used to be really close , but if you asked me if i knew him i'd say no",1,en
"What did the bee call his military mission? ""Operation pollination""",1,en
""" ring on the wrong finger "" a : aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? . b : yes i am , i married the wrong woman .",0,en
Lemonaid What kind of juice do you get from sick lemons? LemonAIDS,0,en
You can't spell success without succ. But you'd probably get neither to be honest,0,en
Why didn't Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?,0,en
"if i had a dollar for every time one of my kids said "" mom , you're not funny "" , i could buy a beach house. and live by myself",1,en
My friend Dave finally achieved his dream of getting his name in the paper In the obituaries. Who knew suicide could make dreams come true?,0,en
"why would i want to quit smoking? oh , to live longer . why would i want to live longer",0,en
what does an octopus wear on a cold day? a coat of arms !,0,en
How to load a dishwasher? Wear a rubber and start loading in from the front hole.,0,en
"i bet nobody noticed superman flying around at first, so clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on",0,en
Where does steel wool come from? Hydraulic rams.,1,en
"what is large , grey and sings great jazz songs? elephants gerald",1,en
what helps keep your teeth together? toothpaste .,1,en
"My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the market buying cereal and I thought, 'I agree with his priorities.'",1,en
"yes , i do think "" did you bring my pizza? "" is an acceptable answer when you're in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door .",1,en
where do we keep our thoughts detained? in brain cells !,1,en
"If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend's band's show.",0,en
a woman behind me got run over today. she was following me on twitter,0,en
"So Mrs Lincoln. Besides that, how'd you like the play",0,en
my wife just said that twilight is better than the lost boys. i don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me,1,en
I think I'm finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward,0,en
"There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A. if you know what I mean",0,en
You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician. Because they always break up with respect to ex,1,en
why was the lightbulb invented? somebody had an idea .,0,en
unprotected sleep: sleeping without an alarm clock .,1,en
"I love people. However, most of them are fictional characters",1,en
Where does a plant go after it dies? The after leaf,1,en
What christmas decoration loves CBT A Nutcracker,0,en
What's another name for a wife? Bag for life,0,en
What do you do if your computer hums? Tell it to change its socsks!,0,en
close the door. you're letting the wifi out,0,en
"What did one Redditer say to another? Doesn't matter, the real joke is in the comments.",1,en
"i went to see a topless ventriloquist last night. she was amazing , i never saw her lips moving once",1,en
Ever heard of a reversed exorcism? It's when the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body,1,en
What superhero gets hurt the easiest? Bruise Wayne.,0,en
"a kid came to my door earlier dressed like a mime, so i pretended to put candy in his basket .",0,en
"my new neighbor's super hot but i haven't tried to take her out yet threedots when i checked the oven, she wasn't quite done .",0,en
they say that you should never bring your work home with you. especially if you're a boxer,1,en
why did the dog bark? because its a dog,1,en
What Do you call the severed head of a triple lobotomite Bowling ball,1,en
my friend is afraid of fruit. so i told him to grow a pear,1,en
"I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen, I want to live on in my apartment.",0,en
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse' !,1,en
i've got a new job in a biscuit factory. so far i've made a packet,1,en
What do you get if you cross a salmon a bird's leg and a hand? Birdsthigh fish fingers !,0,en
"I decided to have a can of soup for lunch today... ...And hating to see good food go to waste, I decided to have the soup as well.",1,en
Who takes over when the Ultrasound man is on leave? The Hip Replacement Guy.,1,en
A place for dark jokes of all kinds! Don't be offended it's not personal! Except the comments. These are the holy lands.,0,en
Life is like a cup of coffe. Dark and bitter,0,en
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it's the next big thing,1,en
I've decided to move to southern France. I've got nothing Toulouse,1,en
"If ball is life, where is the afterlife? Ballhalla",1,en
"If Robbie Rotten's ""We are number one"" is a meme. Does that make one a musical number",1,en
Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails it'd be very difficult to aim.,1,en
Whats the game that both players win? Russian Roulette,0,en
By the volume of the pans clanging and slamming in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something,1,en
what's the difference between myspace and my space? one space .,0,en
How do you find a dead rapper? Have a Lil Peep,0,en
"men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success",1,en
I want to start a towing company. I'll name it Jaques Crew Tow,1,en
my wife just accused me of adultery because of some texts she saw on my life But is it really adultery if the other girls isn't even an adult?,1,en
Is lunch the favorite subject of piglets? No it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.,1,en
What is a firewalker's favorite snack? Tostitos.,0,en
Why didn't the mobsters car parts fit? ...they all fell off a truck.,0,en
What time does the funny stuff start around here? I can come back...,0,en
What killed Batman? The corona virus,0,en
"Trapped in a crevice. ""Go on boy, get help."" The dog chews off my one free arm. ""Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess""",1,en
"My new job! I will start my career as vacuum cleaner salesman, and my name will be ""Mike Dyson""",0,en
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.,1,en
scientists say north america is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that. with a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise,1,en
Did you hear about the tourist who visited France? He went to Paris and saw an Eiffel,1,en
What is a pro smash players favorite movie? Cuties.,0,en
"Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.",0,en
What does a duck call a tractor? A quacktor,1,en
two cleaners had a massive fight in my office earlier. hell of a dust up,1,en
purple is my favorite color! i like it more than blue and red combined .,0,en
"I was going to make a joke about the Rapture, but. it just isn't happening",0,en
What hotel does Link always ask for? HYATT,0,en
why did the ebola patient cross the road? trick question . there are no roads in africa .,1,en
"the reason i am nervous around women. i showed my first love to a girl , in the forest , but she ran away before i was done digging",1,en
I've created a new type of bubble but I don't know how to describe it. It's indescribubble,1,en
what is the best place to look at monkeys in the zoo The line to KFC,1,en
What is a cracker called in Germany? Auschritz,1,en
doctor doctor i keep thinking i'm a telephone . doctor : why's that? i keep getting calls in the night .,1,en
"how did the redditor get stuck in a loop? i don't know , check the post above me .",0,en
What did you learn at school today? Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow. ,0,en
i need help for some puns about toes! please and thank you,0,en
What brand of chocolate is popular with German priests? Kinder,1,en
"Sardine Wife: ""What's wrong? "" Sardine Husband: ""I just need some space, Linda."" Sardine Wife: ""WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH""",1,en
What did the unvaccinated kid say to his parents? Nothing,1,en
which burgers can tell your fortune? medium burgers !,0,en
What did the Dalai Llama play on stage at Glastonbury? Yakmanninov,1,en
Why are people reluctant to eat pudding that is past its expiration date? Because it is off pudding.,1,en
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.,1,en
Twitter comedian: I'm the greatest tweeter alive! Kanye: Even I don't want that title.,0,en
What kind of dance do buns do? Abundance.,1,en
Whats a motivational word for a gopher? Gopher' it.,0,en
"Monks teach peace and harmony, but they sure do seem to like resistance. Ohmmmmmm",1,en
"My microwave broke. So, we're finding innovative alternatives. Did y'all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.",0,en
What did the disabled kid say to the other disabled kids Why don't you ask the mods,0,en
Welcome to Applebee's! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?,0,en
"I made a really sexy gravy. It was saucy. I put a few raisins in it, but it started getting fruity.",0,en
Why are spiders good swimmers? They have webbed feet !,1,en
I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands. It was a spectacle to behold.,0,en
my neighbor got an ipad! i know this because i always steal his mail . my new ipad is awesome,0,en
"Robin Williams dead. Police suspect arson, but I Doubtfire",0,en
What is the best animal related joke you know? These jokes should be any jokes that are even vaguely related to animals!,1,en
"Male vegans never jerk off... ...because they want nothing to do with meat, not even their meat.",1,en
How do robots communicate with each other? technically speaking,1,en
What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.,0,en
why do dinosaurs climb trees? there's nothing else to climb in the jungle .,1,en
did you hear about the guys who got lost at the music festival? they turned up,1,en
what do you get when you eat all the potatoes? they're all gone !,0,en
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath,0,en
robot : i have to dry my feet carefully after a bath . monster : why? robot : otherwise i get rusty nails .,0,en
They say Ronda Rousey isn't much of a wrestler. But you'll be amazed when you see her box,1,en
Why did so many people die in the Grenfell Tower fires? The exit signs were all in English.,1,en
did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? he's the easter bungee !,0,en
i called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up. they said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling,1,en
my friend was really worried when he had to get tested for hiv. i told him just think positive,1,en
what is the difference between a horse and a cabbage? i have never been hungry enough that i could eat a cabbage .,1,en
"My aunt Marge.. My aunt Marge has been ill for so long I've started thinking, ""I can't believe she's not better..""",0,en
Mitch Hedberg used to be one of the funniest comedians He sadly is no longer with us but he used to be. ,1,en
How do skeletons reproduce? They bone.,1,en
house is clean. time to sell the children and move,0,en
"""Aw man, who's going to agree to play Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies? "" ""Elijah Would.""",0,en
"What do you call an abandoned train wreck in Africa? I dont know, but thousands call it home.",1,en
"what's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? in a casino , you really mean it .",1,en
"My disabled neighbour thinks he can do anything in life. His hopes are up, but his syndrome is down.",1,en
i am going to make a new app that will be like twitter exclusively for kids! it will be called sesame tweet .,0,en
"bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now i can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her .",0,en
What kind of mint is the hardest to swallow? Abandonment.,1,en
What did the dubstep valentine's day card say? I wub you,0,en
How many ants do you need to rent out a place? Tenants,1,en
Why was the smart student arrested after the teacher asked him to show his max potential? He showed his calibers,1,en
If it takes too long to wash your hands.. Stop washing them in the time sink.,0,en
I recently signed an endorsement deal with Nike.. They're gonna send me a whole bunch of money. All I have to do is never wear any of their stuff ever!,0,en
"me : ew , what sort of shop is this ? it just sells dead birds ? my cat : pick out whatever you want , birthday boy. it's on me",0,en
Whats a Drummers favorite Pokemon? Rattata,0,en
how do you know if somebody graduated from harvard? they'll tell you .,1,en
i can either be on time or wearing pants. pick one,0,en
A year on twitter. I remember when all this was fields,0,en
why can't you barbecue in amsterdam? because the steaks are too high .,1,en
What are dogs seen as in China? Man's Best Dish,1,en
what do you call a line at a vietnamese restaurant? a pho queue,1,en
What's my favourite type of grape? Gan grapes,1,en
how do mathematicians become engineers? you just gotta apply yourself .,1,en
Sometimes when I'm singing a song a get an urge to skip the chorus. But I always refrain,1,en
What do priests and nuns have in common? Both take kids in.,1,en
With what did the farmer mend his pants? Cabbage patches.,1,en
"Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.",0,en
When do you use duct tape on a duck? When he's quacked.,1,en
don't feed the animals at the zoo! you should better feed the security guard,0,en
When is an aardvark jumpy? When he's got ants in his pants!,0,en
what's white and can't climb trees? a refrigerator,0,en
"silence is golden, except when coming from children threedots then you'd better go check to see what's broken .",0,en
what's the worst part of an nfl wedding? getting knocked out by the rice .,1,en
Why could Luke and Leia never be together? They went looking for love in Alderaan places.,0,en
Me: so what are you wearing sexy? Collection agency: umm...we'll just call back tomorrow,0,en
What do you call a blonde at an institution of higher learning? A visitor,1,en
What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen? Charlie Sheen's winning.,0,en
"daddy , there's a man at the door with a beard! tell him i already have one .",0,en
"a giraffe was at an airport security check line . the security guy asked "" is that your laptop? "" . the giraffe replied "" i thought you would never ask . """,1,en
"excited for the return of game of thrones. not excited for the return of the phrase , "" if you'd read the books , you'd know that threedots """,1,en
Child birth So easy a women can do,1,en
q : where do blondes go to meet their relatives? a : the vegetable garden .,0,en
What type of laundry detergent to autistic people use? Downy,1,en
""" hello , is this the number for japanese food? "" "" no , it's chinese . sorry , wong number . """,1,en
what's the best part about marrying a farmer? you get to grow old together .,1,en
what did the baby computer say to his father? data !,0,en
What's a machinists favorite song? Turn Down for What!,0,en
"what did the man say when he couldn't get frea with his dog? oops, forgot the ky",0,en
What do you call a Welshman who writes lots of letters? Pen Gwyn !,1,en
Whats the difference between a password and my sister. one i can come in.,0,en
What is a Jedi's favorite salad dressing? Skywalker Ranch.,0,en
what did the man say who couldn't add the same number to itself? i can't even threedots,0,en
why does bread not have eyebrows? because it's bread .,1,en
"he said he was a guardian of the galaxy, i thought that was pretty cool until i realised he was a security guard in a samsung shop .",1,en
What did the cow say when she saw the Dalmatian? Dam... I got to get in shape!,0,en
"This ""violence in the workplace"" seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn't do. No fighting techniques or anything",1,en
Why should you not date a mathematician? They have too many problems.,1,en
how do you know if someone has been to florida? they'll tell you .,0,en
as a girl: tinder is like a refrigerator full of food but with nothing i want to eat .,0,en
My mom told me how she struggled learning French... so she grew hair under her arms instead.,0,en
I like memes like I like my women. A few years old and dead.,0,en
how does a white lady fix a flat tire? she buys a new car .,1,en
What kind of water do ducks drink? Bottled Waddle.,1,en
"The Solar System in Alabama is slightly different. There's a planet called Uruncle behind Uranus, just before Neptune.",1,en
i've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for christmas. although what he wants with an ex box i'll never know,1,en
"It's very easy to clean yourself to the tune of ""Uptown Funk"". Don't believe me? Just wash.",1,en
why can't animals ever have an olympics? because there's always a cheetah,1,en
the inventor of the usb cable died recently. they're still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground,1,en
do you know that opening windows make the wifi slower. it's because the wifi signal goes out the window,1,en
What is a sorcerer's least favorite disease? A staff infection,1,en
What do you call an Ethiopian family portrait? A barcode,1,en
"my wife lost a bet and is now mowing the lawn. well , not so much lost a bet as married the wrong guy",0,en
"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids. Apparently she left me two days ago",1,en
"why didn't bono sell any wheat bread at his bakery? cuz it's all rye , it's all rye , it's all rye .",0,en
"Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites. What a poor sap",1,en
what do a bunch of celebrity nudes have in common with a stiff breeze? they both can cause reddit's servers to crash .,1,en
q : why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon? a : he wanted to see stars during the day .,0,en
"wife : let's go out and have some fun tonight. husband : okay , but if you get home before i do , leave the hallway light on",0,en
I wanted to tell you a joke about egoists. but I'll keep that one for myself,1,en
why was the mother cow mad at father cow? because she had beef with him .,0,en
"as your casket is lowered into the cold, fresh earth, i lean down to you, my love, and whisper my final word. ""unfollowed""",0,en
Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!,1,en
"who sings "" love me tender "" and makes christmas toys? santa's little elvis .",1,en
why did my girlfriend cross the road? to go back to the first shop we went in two hours ago .,0,en
boss : i'm sorry but we have to let you go . me : really? that's not what these pics of you and your secretary said . they said i need a raise .,0,en
i'm a fan of star wars. so at lunch i saved my pork for last so i could have ham solo,1,en
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him,1,en
"There's one major difference between the men's restroom and the women's restroom. And let me tell you, it's nuts. ",0,en
How did the seaman cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning.,0,en
How do pirates spell Thicc? With seven Cs.,1,en
a psychic buying clothes employee : how about this one? psychic : that shirt is too small . employee : you didn't even try it on . psychic : i'm a medium .,1,en
Have you seen a proton lying around? I'm sure I hadron somewhere.,0,en
What kind of cheese do rich people eat? Guccheese.,1,en
"if pokemon had a national holiday , what would it be called? ash wednesday",1,en
They say you are what you eat. I guess that makes me human,1,en
What is common between a vegan cat and trans kid? Deep down you know that someone else is making the decision for them..,0,en
my doctor has a great sense of humour. he leaves me in stitches,1,en
What's the best wood to make a golf club out of? Taiga Wood,0,en
"i called my dad from the shop saying i'd forgotten what orange juice he asked for. "" concentrate "" he said , but i still couldn't remember !",0,en
I wonder if Einstein thought of his theory of general relativity. in New York's Time Squared,1,en
new reality show : america's next top proctologist. you only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up,0,en
Why did the noodle take a bow after the recital? He was the vermicellist,1,en
why does kanye west need a billion dollars for ideas? ben franklin discovered electricity with a kite .,1,en
"I spent days, weeks, months, creating the perfect garden gazebo. Meanwhile, my marriage was falling apart",1,en
If gravity were a person. He'd be pretty down to earth,0,en
Did you hear about that new liberal episcopal church? It has six commandments and four suggestions,1,en
I love the word frequently. I try to use it as often as possible,1,en
What do you get when you mix free running with golf? Parfour Sorry,0,en
being single isn't always bad. look at kraft cheese for example,1,en
"Sitting around the outdoor campfire I chuckle to myself My friend asks, what's so funny? I reply, ""I can't tell you out here, it's an inside joke.""",1,en
If an athlete gets athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Missile toe.,1,en
What did the astrophysicist say to the quark? You matter.,1,en
Next year is gonna be filled with vision puns. I can just see it coming ,0,en
"I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps saying its private",1,en
When Does The Narwhal Bacon? MidNight,0,en
How do weathermen get up a mountain? They climate,1,en
"Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum",1,en
"I used to can beans for a living, In Heinz sight it wasn't a bad job. ",1,en
"What are the three fastest forms of communication? Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.",1,en
What do you call a ring of iron atoms? A ferrous wheel.,1,en
who can beat any burger at golf? any links sausage !,0,en
have you heard of that movie gravity? i heard it was threedots full of suspense,0,en
Why did the poor man sell yeast?  To raise some dough.,1,en
What did Elsa say to her fans on Reddit? Leddit go,0,en
the tree and the wind . what does a tree say after it gets knocked over by the wind? i went out on a limb .,1,en
What do you call an autistic kid swimming? Drown Syndrome,1,en
What does a Vulcan lawnmower need to function? A spock plug.,0,en
"what do you say to a female comedian who has just had a miscarriage? "" you should work on your delivery "" .",1,en
blind date i went on a blind date once. it wasn't a good time because the dog kept getting in the way,1,en
what do chicks and jobs have in common? they're usually only interest in you if you already have one .,1,en
Did you hear about the accountant that audited the greengrocer? Sure was a turnip for the books,1,en
there are three flies in the kitchen . which one is the cowboy? it's the one on the range .,0,en
A man with two coffins under the arm knocking on a door. a woman answer you've brought your children from the trip,0,en
smiles from ear to ear . wife : what are you smiling about? our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard wife : god i love that dog .,0,en
"Whays the difference between Cobain, Hitler, and Epstien? Epstien didn't kill himself. Not really that funny, but he didn't.",0,en
what is the key to picking up girls who are musicians? get a flat and be sharp,1,en
"English is difficult to learn. It can be taught through tough thorough thought, though",1,en
Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates? I guess that some people just want to see the world turn,1,en
"keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent !",0,en
why did religion cross the road? god is the answer .,1,en
my girlfriend complained that i never listen to her. at least that's what i think she said,1,en
"Today and Tomorrow are in bed... Today is smoking a cigarette and looks over at Tomorrow who is sulking and says, ""I'm sorry you never come.""",1,en
"If a tree falls in the woods.. ..and nobody is around to hear it, then I've found the perfect place for Justin Beiber",0,en
why did the top bun and bottom bun of the big mac get in a fight? there was bad beef between them,1,en
"the girl i like checked me out today. i gave her money , and she gave me groceries",1,en
The inventor of the air conditioner has died. Thousands of fans attended his funeral,1,en
i'm going camping this weekend with a bunch of models. it's going to be pretty in tents,1,en
"sometimes when i close my eyes, i can't see .",1,en
I'm creating an app to find qualified electricians in your area. It's called wattsapp,1,en
"The captcha required for submitting isn't working. Since I post every few days, my human can do them for me. ERROR: CAPTCHA DETECTED.",0,en
Escalators don't break down. they just turn into stairs,1,en
it's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. someone has to honk when the light turns green,0,en
what's with the attitude? i don't know what's gotten into you but i know what hasn't .,0,en
why does jay z love christmas? because he's the best wrapper alive .,0,en
"my wedding: tetris theme plays as i slowly inch down the aisle , trying to perfectly fit my finger in the ring",1,en
What kind of boats do smart people ride on? Scholar ships!,1,en
How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer? Grounding,1,en
"when my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone or a mirror . not both . thanks for the advice twitter .",0,en
My mother took me to the symphony when I was a child. But we had to leave because of all the sax and violins,1,en
"If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.",1,en
"I once helped a suicidal man come off a building ledge with just one word, Jump.",1,en
Q: What bone will a dog never eat? A: A trombone.,0,en
why didn't dicaprio laugh at oscar joke? because he didn't get it .,0,en
"My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.",0,en
"The trend ""Epstein didn't kill himself"", Is now probably older than his victims",1,en
why do scientists love watching dog shows? they appreciate good lab skills,1,en
"Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.",1,en
why did the atoms cross the road? it was time to split .,0,en
did you guys hear about the blind man who got hit in the head by a football? he never saw it coming .,1,en
"what's the difference between zombies ? q : what's the difference between zombies ? a : zombies make honey, and zombies don't .",0,en
"There were nine sides, but after one left they got closer. We will always remember their prime, even if it is now Octogone",0,en
The reason women live longer than men If they had to listen to themselves all day they want to sooner as well,1,en
TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves Ohh wait they can knot.,0,en
teacher : tommy you try my patience! tommy : no teacher you had better try mine . there's more of it,0,en
Be the person your dog thinks you are. A gentle lover,0,en
"At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast... ...but now I'm fully invested.",1,en
What do you call the god of cheese? Cheesus,1,en
Women are like dishwashers There are a lot of brands but they all do the same job,1,en
what does popeye use to toss his salad? olive oil .,1,en
You heard Markipkiers niece died in a car accident? She will be missed. But not by a car,0,en
how do you catch a one of a kind bird? unique up on it . welcome to kindergarten .,0,en
Minecraft: Story Mode Nerdcubed did it better nearly half a decade sooner,0,en
"chuck norris doesn't say "" who's your daddy "", because he knows the answer .",1,en
Why is it called finding nemo? been wondering for years,1,en
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse? Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.,1,en
I'm in a serious relationship with my WIFI. You might say we have a connection,0,en
what's the definition of a good actor? somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself .,1,en
why are high end clocks designed and made in switzerland? as they don't get arrested for doing their job as they do in america !,1,en
"I was just looking in the mirror this morning, thinking about who I was. I suppose you could say I was reflecting",0,en
"there is no "" me "" in team. no , wait , yes there is !",0,en
parents: it's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars .,1,en
why is reddit called reddit? because you've already read it !,0,en
million dollar idea: let's start a twitter swear jar,0,en
"Two snakes Snake one asks ""Hey man, are we venomous?"" Snake two responds, ""Extremely. Why do you ask?"" ""Because I just bit my tongue""",1,en
"""Is that the guy who doesn't know how to use the word poignant? "" Yea shhh he's coming over here THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant",0,en
"why is fishing dangerous? sometimes , there's a catch",1,en
what's the difference between americans and ice cream? ice cream fits in a tub .,1,en
"is it me or do old people always end their texts with extra periods? ""good seeing u today. missed u.....""",1,en
"Why isn't the guy who wrote ""Danger Zone"" and the Saved by the Bell theme very active on social media? He forgot his Loggins",1,en
What's an ethiopians favourite song. Its raining man,0,en
What do you call an awesome internet site for frogs? Rebbit.,1,en
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI,0,en
"Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say ""do you know who I am? "" because while I wait I like to be introspective",1,en
Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast? The game warden found out he poached his eggs!,0,en
It's hard for Apple users to be successful Because they don't have windows of opportunity.,1,en
Why are Plumbers always so tired? Because their job is draining.,1,en
How do I choose my girlfriend I roll a dice,1,en
ever read a classic novel that really moves you? i feel that way about cheesecake .,0,en
so i said ' i love you ' but he didn't say it back . we haven't spoken since . maybe he just needs space . vet: your cat's fine . you can go now .,0,en
boss asked if i was ready for more responsibility. i'm eating around a sticker on an apple cause i'm too lazy to peel it off so i guess no,1,en
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots Me: No No. that's just the way my feet look,0,en
"i like when websites ask "" how did you hear about us? "" haha paranoid much",0,en
i'm like the fruit cake of my family. nobody likes me but i show up every christmas anyway,1,en
"just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at subway",0,en
"Poetry about Pawn Stars You want a poem? Best I can do is haiku, take it or leave it.",0,en
what did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? between the two of us we can make a lot of money .,1,en
i'm trying to give up ice cream. it's been a rocky road,0,en
What's the difference between Kobe's pilot and a new computer Only one can load terrain,1,en
"borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back .",1,en
what do a priest and a swimmer who came in second have in common? the both came in a little behind,1,en
What do you call an antelope that is forbidden to marry? Cantelope.,1,en
I had a hard time baking cake in the oven. cake was a pretty good dog.,0,en
I like children how i like my orange juice Extra Pulped,0,en
What do you call an albino gorilla? Honkey Kong,1,en
caught my dog chewing on my law books this morning. now he is pro bono,1,en
How do you find out how fast your dog is? Look at the speedometer before you hit the breaks. ,0,en
how did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight? delighted .,0,en
We had a pop quiz in culinary school today. It was a piece of cake,1,en
what do jehovah's witnesses believe in? that i will open the door,1,en
"""Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.""",0,en
"People say ambidextrous people contradict themselves. On the other hand, I disagree",1,en
"Okay, let's keep it a hundred. I have two x's. ",0,en
So I took my wife out for dinner. Turns out the restaurant i went to doesn't take ingredients from home.,0,en
What do pickled cabbage and an angry German have in common? Both are Sauerkrauts.,1,en
Did you hear about the guy whose bank closed his account because he dropped his bowl of cereal? All his Chex bounced.,1,en
"What did the dad say to his son? Bye son, Just gotta go get some milk.",0,en
"of course i can keep a secret, it's the people i tell it to that can't .",0,en
What happens if you do the squeeze? POP goes the weasel,0,en
"a woman recently got breast implants made from oak wood. it would be funny if this joke had a punchline , wooden tit ?",1,en
What is a barcode? An Ethopian family photo.,0,en
"why did the cat put the letter "" m "" into the fridge? because it turns "" ice "" into "" mice "" !",1,en
"when chuck norris asks for change for a penny, he always gets it .",1,en
where does a snowman keep his money? in a snow bank !,0,en
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent? A snake in the brass !,0,en
"i asked the doctor how much longer i've got . he said, "" a few inches . you clearly enjoy prostate exams . """,1,en
"how do you greet people at a funeral? mourning , everybody !",1,en
"Hey, I feel like almost everyone here has forgotten something. The Game",0,en
You know what they say about small feet. Big truck,0,en
What is the cutest piece of clothing? Cutie,0,en
i still remember the first time i lied about being able to time travel. it was tomorrow,0,en
pessimist : this can't get any worse. optimist : yes it can !,1,en
"Poker No YouPorn I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.",0,en
What do you call a man who cuts down trees? A tree feller.,1,en
""" do you love me more than you love sleep? "" "" i can't answer now . it's time for my nap ! """,0,en
Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier..........,0,en
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna,0,en
How is it that magic carpets are able to fly? They are powered by turban engines.,1,en
My friend says she has a theory on how to drive a man wild with desire. The idea is to nibble on the man's earlobes... I think it's nuts. ,0,en
what do hand grenades and wives have in common? remove the ring and your house is gone .,0,en
I took orphans to breakfast this morning Too bad they can't have anything as it's a Family Restaurant,1,en
did you hear about the two nuclear scientists who are no longer speaking to each other? they had a falling out threedots,0,en
why did the shark go to the doctors? because he didn't feel very whale,1,en
what do you call a virgin on a water bed? a cherry float .,1,en
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.,0,en
"They say you are what you eat. Well, I am a human. ",1,en
What do you call a smart plumber? A wisecrack.,1,en
".....Suddenly, my eyes widened and I choked the urge to scream....  ...then sneezed, but no one is around to bless me.",0,en
How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down? He keeps a log,1,en
""" would u like some dessert? "" i ask the moose head above the fireplace "" no thanks im stuffed "" i reply , in a slightly deeper voice",0,en
My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much,0,en
"There's a secret evolution of Eevee I found today. If you pay your Eevee every day for at least a month, it evolves into Patreon",0,en
"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ""U"" and ""I"" together.",1,en
Flint Lead Did you hear they discovered the number one source of lead poisoning in Flint MI is not the water. it's the bullets,1,en
how do you get the walls of your house as bright as they can possibly be? use led based paint .,0,en
"what did the tv say to the remote control? "" you turn me on """,1,en
What's the difference between a phone and me? The phone has a purpose in society.,1,en
Where is little girl when she is struck by the truck? everywhere. ,0,en
"i think i was italian, in a pasta life .",1,en
"My divacup usually works fine, but today... I guess he was just full of it.",0,en
"Like a radiologist researching sausage digestion, I tend to see the Wurst in people",1,en
my cardboard girlfriend fell apart when i came all over her. i don't think she was cut out for that kind of thing,1,en
What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? Cheez Waz.,1,en
"none , building it is a job for engineers. how many scientists does it take to build a time machine ?",1,en
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her,0,en
What's the smallest thing in the universe? A pebble caught between the wrinkle of a flea's ball.,0,en
What is it called when someone gets destroyed at online chess? Extreme Pawnage,1,en
how do you know you're speaking with an engineer? don't worry they'll tell you .,0,en
my girlfriend is due in two weeks. i can't wait til she's born,0,en
"""What's your favorite kind of music? "" Asked one windmill to another. The windmill responds, ""I'm a metal fan.""",1,en
"There's only two anagrams for the letters: "" n e g r i g "" One of them is easy to spot, and the other is hard to see at first. ",1,en
"If they ever start charging for air. I'll buy a bag of chips, at least it will be a package deal",1,en
I used to finish my sentences but now...,0,en
All of the world's natural disaster met to decide which one was the worst. Avalanche won by a landslide,0,en
"karen , if you can see this , the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. the tupperware wasn't a gift",1,en
"There are two penguins in a bathtub. One looked to the other and said, ""No Soap Radio""",1,en
What should you do when you can't afford a vibrator? Marry a man with Parkinson.,0,en
"If something rolls off of my plate. I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away",1,en
is there a month between april and june? may be,0,en
I sold my old bike the other day. I decided it was time to peddle it,1,en
for sale: standards . mint condition . barely used .,1,en
What's differend between an unvaccinated child and the glass? To break a headstone is more difficult.,1,en
How do you catch a refrigerator? Well then you better go catch it! Hahaaa,0,en
Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal.,1,en
laughter is not the best medicine. please take your medicine,0,en
"the ghost teacher was showing her class how to walk through walls . "" now did all of you understand that? "" she asked . "" if not , i'll just go through it again . """,1,en
"I'm taking all my savings and going to travel, I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...",0,en
"what did the fish skeleton say? long time , no sea .",1,en
I need another name for a dinosaur. I should consult the Thesaurus,0,en
Make a new sub And ban the old mods,0,en
My Wife is really mad at me for having no sense of direction in life. We had this big row.. ..so I packed up all my stuff and right.,0,en
McDonald's should start gearing ads toward their target audience: husky toddlers and seagulls.,1,en
"What did the pizza man say to Jay Garrick? Hi, I'm Jay Garrick.",0,en
i'm in a heavy metal band. i play lead threedots,1,en
"remember kids, those light up sneakers won't seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night .",0,en
God created everyone to look different. I guess he forgot about China,1,en
Can you think of any snake jokes? Because I serpently can't.,1,en
"My husband says shaving his legs gives him an advantage when cycling, but I don't get how the high heels and pantyhose help.",1,en
"The race between, rabbit, turtle and a male human is decide by The one who 'cums' first.",1,en
i don't let my kids go online. there's too many pdf files on there !,0,en
A wise man learns from his mistakes. A wiser man learns from others' mistakes,1,en
"a new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. so , that information should help you finally get some sleep",1,en
The best thing about black jokes on Reddit is... That the real joke is always in the comments. ,1,en
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street,1,en
What's the purpose of our skin? To determine our value. ,1,en
"So my doctor asked me what my zodiac sign was, and I told him ""Cancer"" He replied with, ""Oh! What a coincidence!""",1,en
What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn? Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.,1,en
Do you know what the one vegetable that isn't actually vegan is? Terry Schiavo.,0,en
"at some point during texting , a text is sent that means: "" this is the end of the conversation . i'm gonna do something interesting now . """,1,en
"A verb tried to pick up a noun at the club... He wanted to conjugate, but she had to decline. Probably all for the best. She was right up against her period.",1,en
"Chocolate coins are easily the most delicious of all coins; plus, they don't get stuck in your teeth like pennies.",1,en
What is the radio operator's favourite romantic story? R and J,0,en
Remember to eat your greens today. Or else St. Patrick died for nothing. ,0,en
if you throw a stick of butter out the window what would you call it? a butterfly !,0,en
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.,1,en
how did the bird get his bluetooth to work? he had to parrot .,0,en
Who was Mako Mori's existentialist monk brother? Memento.,0,en
"knock , knock canoe . canoe who? canoe help me with my homework",0,en
A Chinese family go out to get some groceries. They go to the pet shop.,1,en
"If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.",1,en
"Two eggs in a pan... One says ""I've got a small crack"" The other replies ""Don't worry, I'm only half hard""",1,en
Whose the most vague person in the Military? General Direction.,1,en
TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.,1,en
how did jared lose all that weight eating at subway? he just ordered off the children's menu .,1,en
what do goats and humans have in common? their kids are nice and tender .,1,en
Business idea: Own a profitable business,1,en
"i have high standards, but low expectations .",0,en
sorry i'm late. my dog ate my car,0,en
"Everyone knows that lighting our farts is great, but when are we gonna be able to vape our farts?",1,en
What did your mom's leg say to her other leg? Nothing; they've never met.,0,en
"How many people completed the Boston marathon? Well everyone really , when that bomb went off they all just flew straight over the finish line.",1,en
can we survive without whales? no whey .,1,en
"Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins? She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.",1,en
Hickory hickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock The clock struck one But the rest got away with minor injuries,0,en
"which teachers care the most about their students? math teachers , because every student counts .",1,en
I asked my doctor if there were any jokes in my body. No pun in tendon,1,en
"some people don't like telling the truth, others don't like hearing it .",1,en
When you call a dog they usually come to you. When you call a cat; they take a message,1,en
What's the similarity between a baby and a water balloon? You fill both of them up until you decide to throw them away ,0,en
i am going to see if money really is happiness. i am now taking donations,0,en
what band is a cow favorite? moody blues,1,en
"A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it. ""I'll take the maple bar, please.""",1,en
I was at the store yesterday and I saw a lady drop her steak I guess it became ground beef,1,en
"why did the train go left? cause it couldn't get on the right track . i made that joke when i was little and remembered it today , might as well post it .",0,en
"A plant fell on my head. I'm alright though, it was no big dill",0,en
"The sign of a true gentleman... ...is one who knows how to play the bagpipes, but chooses not to.",1,en
"Others change, but you should be yourself! said one corn to another in the digestive tract",1,en
why did the atheist fail algebra? he didn't believe in higher powers !,1,en
What did the Ukrainian man win at the tournament? The Chernobellprize,1,en
"two horses are standing in a field . "" i'm so hungry i could eat a horse "" says the first . "" moo! "" says the second",1,en
"little johnny orders a pizza "" i'll have an extra large pie , but hold the cheese , hold the sauce , and hold the crust on that pizza! "" haha",0,en
The view here is mind blowing... I should visit Lebanon more often.,0,en
"When you really want fried potatoes, just remember. Keep your eyes on the fries",0,en
I've tried to fix the automod problem so reply without swearing to test it,0,en
"In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.",1,en
"turned out the lights i started walking down the stairs, and i flipped the light switch to off . it wasn't a bright idea . i'll see myself out .",0,en
"about to start a new job as a pizza delivery driver, any tips ?",1,en
"my doctor just diagnosed me with tom jones syndrome threedots "" is it common? "" i said . "" well threedots "" he replied "" it's not unusual """,1,en
what's the best way to get your guitar player to turn down the volume? give him the sheet music .,0,en
"How does a nihilist propose to his fiancee? ""Even though my existence is meaningless I want to spend the rest of it with you.""",1,en
what's the most positive thing in harlem? hiv .,1,en
I know this isn't a dark joke What does the moderator say to the dishwasher? Women's history is our history.,1,en
"need jokes about bears help , i need jokes about bears. can someone come up with any ?",0,en
I like my women like I like my programming languages. Visual and basic,1,en
"My doctor said ""Pick a star sign, any star sign"" I said Capricorn, he said ""Nah, you got Cancer.""",1,en
i once had this amazing handicapped friend. he wanted to be a stand up comedian,1,en
"My awesomeness, is second only to my modesty!",0,en
"In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one's laughing now. I'm receiving treatment and everyone's been really supportive.",1,en
i was struggling to work out how lightning works. then it struck me,0,en
That hot person you've been flirting with over the internet has one normal arm and one shrivelled T. rex arm,0,en
What does Reddit and Dating have in common? It wastes your time and you walk away with either tears or a slight chuckle.,1,en
What kind of donuts will Bruce never eat again? Krispy Kreme.,0,en
"Yes, of course I love French films. Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?",1,en
"Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...",0,en
What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabaghoul,1,en
what paint is most popular in modern buildings? microsoft paint,1,en
"The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.",1,en
what did god say after creating man? i must be able to do better than that .,0,en
why do artists die early in life? too many strokes .,1,en
There's this one kid in my class that never stands up during the national anthem He sits on a wheelchair all the time,1,en
Why should you always bring charmander along when camping? Because he's the fire starter.,1,en
""" room service? send up a larger room . """,0,en
what is the difference between a pitbull and a golden retriever? a golden retriever can sing better .,0,en
"don't believe cartoons. no matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger , it won't actually stick to someone's face",1,en
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.,1,en
What did Michael Jackson say when he touched them children? HeeHee.,0,en
My son was playing on one of his video games when he screamed out that he'd just won a life. I thought how ironic,1,en
"never , ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. even then , act surprised",0,en
"I rely on a little boy to tell me how I feel and boy, are my arms tired?",0,en
Why did Prince William lose his cool? He wasn't properly heir conditioned.,1,en
"After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.",1,en
Did you hear about Bruce Jenner? Hes the first athlete to go from the Wheaties box to the Froot Loops box,0,en
why do single women take advice from other single women? that's like stevie wonder giving ray charles driving directions,1,en
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back. When I try to stand back up it's the saddest tiny rodeo you've ever seen,1,en
"christmas lights remind me of my friends. they all hang together , half of them don't work , and the ones that do aren't that bright",1,en
"Wow! This whole being up early is neat; it's like daytime but sooner! Huh! The birds... they sound, you know, pretty! It's all a bit scary.",0,en
"Nurse: Sorry for the waiting. My dad: No problem, I'm patient",0,en
relationship status: even my alarm clock stops responding to me after i bang it,1,en
Q: What's delaying the Polish space program? A: Development of a working match.,0,en
"blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. for example , this french fry salad i'm eating right now",1,en
To all the fisherman out there. You da reel MVP,0,en
What's the difference between a child and a dad? When the child go's to get milk they come back,1,en
What does the Dodge driver say when someone knocks the door? Cummins.,1,en
What spread faster? The Corona virus or the Australian wildfire? The wreckage of the Ukrainian plane over Iran,1,en
What did the frog say when he was asked how he knew so much about the new lili pad. Reddit,0,en
What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk? A mootation,1,en
Why are setups to jokes so important? because seven ate nine.,1,en
My girlfriend walked in on me again while I was eating cake frosting she'd hidden in the fridge. I hate getting caught masticating,1,en
If we were compressed down to a single dimension. what would be the point of it all,1,en
"teacher : you have the same mistakes as the person next to you , how could that happen? me : we have the same teacher .",1,en
"""Master Yoda, are we on the right track? "" ""Off course, we are..""",0,en
"My grandpa made me help him sell his vegetables. He stored them him the basement however, so the only sellable parts were the wheelchairs.",1,en
"What kind of underwear do the GI Joes wear? None, they go commando.",1,en
What is Pink and lies on the doormat? Whitney Houston's Valentines Day Cards,0,en
It's unseasonably warm in New York. Let's go outside and stare at our phones,1,en
How do tacos fair in a war? They tend to be shells of their former selves,1,en
meatballs have bread crumbs inside them. meat plus bread means that a meatball is actually a sandwich,1,en
"i drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone threedots one minute , a kia. next minute , nokia",0,en
how has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn? china probably can pop corn in one minute .,1,en
Lost both my arms in an accident. The whole incident left me utterly humerless,0,en
Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda? Police say he died of his own Accord.,0,en
reward: lost dog what kind of a reward is a lost dog ?,0,en
a good friend will help you move. a great friend will help you move a body,0,en
"A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom's maiden name. Then login and read all their emails",0,en
"A network engineer goes to the doctor. He told the doctor, ""It hurts when IP""",1,en
hey girl is there wifi here? cuz i feel a connection,0,en
"just popped in to say i'm considering switching to depends. i'm not having a problem , but new underpants everyday !",0,en
Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US? The keyboard adds an extra pound.,1,en
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned,1,en
"Q: Why are crocodiles brown and flat? A: Because if they were yellow and round, they'd be lemons.",0,en
Whats the difference between bending paper and bending women? One is origami one is origasm.,1,en
"I'm not a bragger. But if I would be, I'm pretty sure that I would be the best one in the World",1,en
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken. She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken,0,en
What do you get when you mix a dog and a tulip? A collieflower,0,en
how does kurt cobain collect his thoughts? with a mop .,1,en
"dating tip : walk up to a girl in a club , smile , look into her eyes , take her hand and walk away. if she wants her hand back , she'll find you",0,en
Want tasty food ideas Please write them,0,en
"I just starred in a movie about a guy who sells car parts Don't worry, I won't give away any spoilers",1,en
"a day without sunshine is like, night .",0,en
"A woman asked me if I had a cigarette. ""Yes..."" I said, ""But what about your baby? "" She said, ""Oh no. He doesn't smoke.""",1,en
What does Magneto do when his computer gets dirty? He wipes the hard drive.,1,en
"How did the Girl Scout Samoa cookies get their name? Because after you eat one, you want samoa!",0,en
What do Kobe Bryant and Japanese cattle have in common? They're both ground beef.,1,en
"how is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? if you don't c sharp , you'll b flat .",1,en
"i don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends i can be certain of .",0,en
"Ironically, Woody and Buzz ... were also the names of Andy's Mum's toys.",0,en
what is it called when two celebrities are fighting? star wars .,1,en
"lately my house has been a bit drafty. not because its' poorly insulated, but because my wife keeps bringing home marines",1,en
What's the difference between a goat and a kid? My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising my goats.,1,en
How does Antonio Brown surprise women on Halloween? With Trick or Skeet,1,en
what's more stable a hamburger or a steak? a hamburger because it is in the ground state .,1,en
Have you ever tried stealing a clock? It takes time ,0,en
q : what do a telephone and a dog have in common? a : they both have collar id .,0,en
"Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey are to star in a new film, a murder mystery set at a music festival. It's a Whodunnit",1,en
Don't hate the PLAYA. hate the Spanish word for beach,0,en
Do you know who's the famous female boxer Chris Brown,1,en
"Me and my girlfriend were on a cruise, listening to Bob Marley. She said he was Upboat",1,en
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed. Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter,0,en
"Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors give him two weeks tops.",0,en
i like to confuse my husband. so i smiled at him this morning,0,en
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition,1,en
What are the cleverest bees? Spelling bees !,0,en
"you're driving a car. it isn't a telephone booth , a beauty parlor or a restaurant",1,en
"Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal? He was so proud, he had it bronzed.",1,en
how does the ultimate warrior repair his car? with parts unknown .,1,en
"unlike your boyfriend, cheesecake will never leave you or your hips .",0,en
"when you ask me a question , would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response? i like to be prepared .",1,en
"which teachers make pupils feel good about themselves? maths teachers , they make everybody count .",1,en
how do you get a dead turtle to flip itself back over on its feet? threedots you take the letter f out of way .,0,en
What do you call a bean that's good at silent acting? A pintomime.,1,en
"Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have? Because no matter the sport, he would always play write",1,en
"There is nothing stronger than love. Except Rayleigh, Rayleigh is slower but stronger",0,en
"My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them. I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals. ",1,en
Average jokes don't end how you think they. Median,1,en
what does trail mix have in common with a nursing home? they're both filled with nuts,1,en
the constant challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other's smartphone .,1,en
"A shirt joke I made irl My sister ate some chicken noodle soup and said, 'it's hot'. My reply, 'if it's so hot, blow it'.",1,en
"don't give her a fitbit for mother's day. i repeat , don't give her a fitbit for mother's day",0,en
"Pimple Be Like Pimple : Where Are You Going. Me : Partying with Friends Pimple : Ok, I'm Also Coming then",0,en
what do smokey the bear and alexander the great have in common? their middle name .,1,en
"when my boss is in town , i set out pictures of kids on my desk. they aren't my kids but he'd never fire a mom of seven , right ?",1,en
You know what's darker than the jokes on this sub? The guy hanging in my backyard.,0,en
what's the difference between a woman and bacon threedots? you can't beat bacon threedots !,0,en
Jorge. For some it's a Spanish name. For me its how I greet women.,1,en
There was this one time I discovered a time machine. I still remember it like it was tomorrow,0,en
why couldn't the troll catch any fish? because other people took the bait .,0,en
what floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee? nothing .,0,en
life was dangerous when i was young. we answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end,0,en
Teacher: what are you guys aiming for this year Quiet kid aka me: five kids,1,en
what blood type does a motivational speaker have? b positive !,0,en
What musician has the hardest instrument to play? A Tromboner.,1,en
A group of held hands can raise your spirits. It's seance!,0,en
"I'm not superstitious, I'm just a bit stitious.",0,en
"Kristen Stewart is unable to be here today, so accepting the award on her behalf is this large bowl of cold mashed potatoes.",1,en
him : you'll always be the one that got away . me : escaped . him : what? me : i said thanks .,0,en
"Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf? He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.",1,en
i wrote a haiku poetry is hard like mr. jared fogle at a kid's party,0,en
What do you call a psychologist's clothes? Shrinkwrap,1,en
it was love at first sight. then i took a second look !,0,en
Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good but where is the wagon? Pupil: The horse will draw it !,0,en
"Chuck Norris does not ""style"" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror",1,en
how do you protect yourself from ghosts? hide in the living room .,1,en
Where is the best place to cheat on someone. A Ferris wheel ,0,en
"when grocery shopping , i only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. cantaloupe is a good example of this",1,en
q : did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time? a : she asked her husband if they needed to get married again .,0,en
i feel like trying new things in bed. like getting up for instance,0,en
why cant gorge floys meditate he cant take deep breaths,0,en
what was more useful than the invention of the first telephone? the second telephone .,1,en
what happened when the lion ate the comedian? he felt funny !,0,en
What's the difference between me and some train tracks? At least the train tracks get laid.,1,en
"if your girl tells you "" deeper! "" and that's all you got , just start reading poetry .",1,en
life is more exciting when you're out there living it. i read that somewhere,0,en
"not right now green light, i'm taking a selfie .",0,en
I just met an Irishman of Chilean descent. His name was Con Kearney,1,en
How many babies can you fit in a bathtub? I dont know. Ask Casey Anthony.,0,en
"Double cheeseburgers don't make you fat, eating them does.",1,en
Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade? There were too many vets.,1,en
What did the HTML coding dog say? Href Href!,0,en
Got a new Scalextrix for Christmas It was the Princess Diane bumper car edition ,0,en
I work in a shop called The Masochist. I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.,1,en
"Did you know Paul walker was on the radio when he died? He was also on the dashboard, the windscreen and the steering wheel.",1,en
what is irony? when the last person you want to see is the last person you see .,1,en
Penguins What do penguins get for sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.,1,en
"Buying Muhammed dolls for charity, all prophets go to kids in need.",1,en
"When I look up at the majesty of all them stars it really gets me to thinkin, when we gonna get that ding dong roof patched up!? Ah horse apples!",0,en
What's the difference between a baby and a laptop? One restarts after a hot day in the car.,0,en
I renewed my driver's license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica,1,en
why was the fruit farmer losing money? he couldn't grow a pear,1,en
Why is the O in Opossum silent? Because it's playing dead.,0,en
Pears are the only fruit you can always eat They are nonpearishable,1,en
"i gave my cat a bath the other day threedots he liked it, but the fur stuck to my tongue .",0,en
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate much interest,1,en
therapist : what's your problem today? me : i have this constant eye roll . therapist : stop reading your own tweets .,0,en
"Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was...  It was a brief case...",0,en
What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn? That's amorehay!,1,en
"What's black,white,and red all over? An orca whale near a Japanese dock",0,en
"What's the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable? One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.",0,en
Blonde with a twist Q: What do you get when you combine a blonde woman with a physicist? A: Marie Curie,0,en
What do tofu and dildos have in common? They serve as makeshift substitutes for people who have forsaken meat.,1,en
"My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider It was good, General Lee speaking.",0,en
What did Abraham's friend ask him? Wanna go watch a play?,0,en
"The Dress Joke ""Did you hear about that blue and black dress?"" ""No, what about it?"" ""Turns out it was white and gold."" ""Oh thaaat one.""",1,en
"I posted a joke via USPS... ...not sure if it was their fault or mine, but the delivery of the punchline was completely botched.",0,en
waiter i can't seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup. would you expect to find angels in angel cake ?,1,en
"Kobehawk down I wish kobe was on the Hawks right now, it would bring a whole new meaning to Blackhawk down.",0,en
i had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. what a waste of thyme,0,en
Does making a chemistry joke make you sound smart? Nitrogen Oxygen.,1,en
What did the man who beat his wife get charged with? Destruction of property.,1,en
why couldn't stevie wonder drive the bus? there's no steering wheel in the back of the bus .,1,en
My family is like treasure You need a map and shovel to find them.,0,en
cause of death: very rough shirt tag,1,en
"If you choose to always make it all about you, that's precisely who you'll end up with.",0,en
who laughs the last? the one who you have to explain the joke to .,0,en
"hey baby , are you a cloud server? because i have something to upload from my hard drive .",0,en
Talking about school grades with your parents like... Parents: Got any A's this semester? Me: Go fish.,0,en
A famous British boxer threw an object at me. It turned out to be a mere can!,1,en
"if your method of birth control is abstinence threedots threedots and you miss a day, you might be in trouble .",0,en
It's not defacated... ...it's hearingimpareddercated,0,en
I have a russian friend who's a sound engineer And a Czech one too.,1,en
the last man on earth i wouldn't mind being the last man on earth. at least i'd find out if all those girls were telling the truth,1,en
"contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, i am in fact not sorry for missing your call",0,en
do you know what is bad about sleeping in a double bed? sometimes the couple calls the police,1,en
why is the letter e lazy? because it's always in bed .,1,en
I just had a baby... It was overcooked and dry.,0,en
"Did you know there was a movie about Hiroshima and Nagasaki? It got glowing reviews, but due to poor marketing, it bombed at box office.",1,en
what did the fish say when it hit a wall? dam .,1,en
"A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, ""Can I use your Dictaphone? "" He says, ""No, dial with your finger like everyone else.""",0,en
Me: I'm happy right now. Life: Lol one sec,0,en
"Would Orlando Bloom? No, but Elijah Wood.",0,en
"whenever i have a one night stand , i always use protection. a fake name and a fake number",1,en
I would shave my beard. but it's kind of grown on me,1,en
"Men, of course we need you. Because, jars",0,en
What do you call a June bug's larva? A jejune bug.,1,en
why don't you invite a comcast worker to your party? because nobody likes his company !,0,en
What is today's special at Google's employee cafeteria? Alphabet Soup.,0,en
TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters. Only twice though,0,en
"Ah, water. Giver of life. Destroyer of witches. Improver of tee shirt contests.",0,en
What do you call a person with. A phone,0,en
"the bat family were playing a game of "" old maid "" with a poker deck threedots needless to say it was a never ending game. everyone wanted the joker",1,en
i've fallen in love. were the last words i heard from my wife as she went overboard,0,en
So today I got tickets for the Kanye West concert. I misread it horribly though and I ended up somewhere in Africa,1,en
Do you know what I hate the most in life? Indecisiveness I think. ,0,en
"i walked into a shop and saw a radio for sale because the volume was stuck on high threedots threedots i thought, i can't turn this down !",0,en
I made my dog dinner today My asian neighbors were delighted when I invited them to join for dinner,1,en
What do you call a Romanian grocery clerk? Scanthesku,1,en
"adam : eve , you read the terms and conditions before using that apple product right? eve : uh yeah , totally",0,en
Yet another Chuck Norris joke. Chuck Norris caught all the Pokemon using a payphone,0,en
Why did the man take a pencil to the window. He wanted to draw the curtains.,1,en
A carnival worker plans to sue after recently being fired. His lawyers say it is a clear case of funfair dismissal,1,en
How do you say Philippines in Ebonics? Colombia,1,en
What is Green and Oblong? A well disguised orange!,0,en
You call it armed robbery. I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun,1,en
lol What is an Orphans favorite toy? A boomerang because it comes back unlike their parents.,1,en
My phone woke me up this morning. It was alarming,0,en
why are boxers never late to their fights? because they have developed very good punch quality .,1,en
What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend? Baaaaaeeeee!,0,en
"a friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them , just pick the best ones .",0,en
"when do you care for a man's company? "" when he owns it . """,1,en
What do you call an unimportant pachyderm? It's irrelephant.,1,en
i think my neighbor might be stalking me because she won't stop googling me. i saw it through my telescope last night,1,en
Whenever you see four priests There is always a fifth,1,en
Summer and winter had been growing apart as friends. when summer called up winter she ask him why he was so cold,1,en
a horse hiking in deep space. star trek : deep space neigh,0,en
who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life? a statistician .,1,en
I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day. it was grate,0,en
"I bought my wife an Iron for Christmas. Now I just need something for the bruises, before the neighbours become suspicious of me.",1,en
A recent study concluded that chickens lay more eggs when they get music in their coops. But only if it is Bach,1,en
Why did the architect have his house made backwards? So he could watch the football,1,en
Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny? Because they are always losing pounds.,1,en
What race is the author of Charlotte's Web? E B White,0,en
I ordered a book on near death experiences. The anticipation almost killed me,0,en
i have a time machine. but it only goes forward at a regular speed,0,en
"My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion. I said, ""yeah it's pretty straightforward.""",1,en
What do you call a pile of dogs? A ruff terrain.,1,en
My cellphone just died There won't be any reception,0,en
Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby? He was accused of wreckless driving.,1,en
What is the world famous Chef Gordan's favorite football team? The Ramsays,1,en
"Actually, conservation of angular momentum makes the world go 'round.",1,en
"hey girl , are you my appendix? because i'm not completely sure how you work , but this strange feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out .",0,en
met a hot waitress at a seafood restaurant. she gave me crabs,1,en
What did the seamen say to each other when they entered a deep dark cave? Smells fishy,1,en
Hi we're a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can't ever find our dog.,0,en
"I always wear black. That way I'm ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever",1,en
"Went to a pancake restaurant and asked if my dinner would be long. 'No sir, round' came the reply.",1,en
"Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You're the Microsoft Word Paperclip",0,en
give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. teach a man theres plenty of fish in the sea but for som reason he still wont get over janice,0,en
"women know that men are like linoleum . . . if they lay ' em right the first time, they can walk on them for years .",1,en
What do you call a german dude running? Sprintler,1,en
"If you were born in September, Its pretty safe to assume that your parents started there new year with a bang.",0,en
"nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the waiting room, but he has an appointment .",0,en
"As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards. I'm just afraid of commitment",1,en
what kind of meat do priests eat on good friday? nun .,1,en
what's the difference between a tropical beach and a priest? one gets sun on your skin and the other gets skin on your son .,1,en
what do you call a website that steals all of reddit's hitler jokes? nein gag .,1,en
"i used to think i had bad taste, but then i met my girlfriend and now i know what someone with bad taste really looks like .",1,en
A doctor goes to a man. The man asks: Should it not happen the other way around?,1,en
how can you tell if someone uses apple products? just wait and they'll tell you .,0,en
wished my wife a ' happy valentine's ay! ' i'll give her the d later .,0,en
"I hope Jeremy Corben is successful in his new chosen career! I didn't really rate him as a comedian, he was especially bad in The Wrong Man's.",1,en
how did the phone propose to his girlfriend? he gave her a ring .,0,en
"Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin? A: ""Make a fright turn at the corner.""",0,en
"q : have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? a : works pretty well , doesn't it",0,en
"my son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday luckily, this playstation was able to threedots console him",0,en
What's a shark's favorite sandwich?  Peanut butter and jellyfish!,0,en
How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving.,1,en
"All generalizations are false, including this one.",1,en
Where did Stacey go during the bombing? Everywhere.,1,en
"The grim reaper attends a funeral early in the day. as he gets there, he says, ""Good mourning, everyone"" Ill see myself out",0,en
I was going to participate in a competition to see how many times I could throw a rock on the water. But I skipped it,0,en
"well , well , well. guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon",0,en
"what's the difference between an egg and a root? you can beat an egg , but you can't beet a root !",0,en
Is your mother's name Josephine? Cuz I had sloppy joe's for dinner last night.,0,en
"For those of you who try to build a pool by digging a pit in the ground, what liquid should you add instead of chlorine? Holey water.",1,en
What is the Suicide forest moto? Many will enter. Few will win.,0,en
"People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for ""pajama casual"" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.",1,en
"i told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud threedots "" it should. it was fresh ground this morning """,1,en
Q: What do you get when you combine a recliner with a fruit? A: A chairy.,0,en
My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me,1,en
what do you call a woman who thinks she can do everything a man can do. carol,0,en
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.,1,en
"did you know that god is rich? yeah , back in israel he made a prophet .",1,en
Why was Tom Cruise hired by Volkswagen? Emission Impossible,1,en
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller,1,en
just watched some midget wrestling. it was a short fight,1,en
"I've been sitting here trying to think of a French joke, and I almost have one that works. Unfrotunately, it went on strike",1,en
Bad news for women: there's a glass ceiling. Good news for women: that's one more thing you get to Windex!,0,en
Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing? He was striking a happy medium.,1,en
"don't smoke unless you're on fire, then it's natural .",1,en
what do we want ? some good decisions! when do we want them ? before last night,0,en
I ran into yiur girl the other day... Whats her hospital room?,0,en
How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.,1,en
If you got bladder problems. Urine trouble,1,en
What bird can lift the most? A crane,1,en
How do you reassure a postman who is insecure of his gender? You call him a Male Man,1,en
My wife wanted to brighten up the garden. So I planted some bulbs,0,en
How are slinkys and my parents similar? They both act funny and make loud noises when I pushed them down the stairs,1,en
"be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment .",0,en
"When I write too fast, my ""E"" looks like a ""G"" making this assignment sheet where I marked several projects as ""DONE"" look pretty weird.",1,en
What is Godzilla's favorite fruit? Squash.,0,en
"Justice is a dish best served cold because... ...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.",1,en
"don't get me wrong , i'm not whining because of the cold. i'm whining because i have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm",1,en
What did the pizza say to the pizza cutter? Wanna pizza me,0,en
"I would say that a zero with a line through it isn't a number, But it's naught",1,en
Why did no one trust the dermatologist? He kept making rash decisions.,1,en
What do you call it when your boyfriend leaves you for the girl literally next door? Male forwarding,1,en
witch logic : i have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. i guess i'll use that broom,1,en
What do you call the hunger games in real life? Ethiopia,1,en
what's the difference between justin bieber and a lawyer? some adults like lawyers .,1,en
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together Pulp friction ,1,en
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights,1,en
I rented the movie Roots and played it backwards so it would have a happy ending,0,en
How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Through sine language.,1,en
I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias. The results were exactly what I expected.,1,en
What do you call a person who makes surrealist sandwiches? Salvador Deli.,1,en
how do two lawyers greet each other? with a firm handshake .,1,en
"what is love? you just sang "" baby , don't hurt me . "" in your mind didn't you",1,en
"Can you name even one East African country? Well, Kenya",0,en
What's the main ingredient in mana potions? Caster sugar.,1,en
"why can't clocks keep secrets? because , time will always tell .",0,en
what time is it when a clock strikes thirteen? time to get it fixed .,0,en
Whats the difference between black lives and the tow truck from Cars? The tow truck actually Mater,1,en
why can't you email jokes to a jedi? because attachments are forbidden,1,en
What do you call a green polo shirt? Collared greens,1,en
What do you call a fish who went to medical school? A sTurgeon,1,en
what happened to the lost cattle? nobody's herd .,1,en
Went to a country concert in vegas the other night It was a blast,1,en
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I'm having several tonite,1,en
Have you ever tried Nicaraguan food? They haven't.,1,en
I have enough money to last the rest of my life. So long as I don't spend any of it,0,en
""" are you a programmer? "" not really . me is more of an amateur grammar",1,en
"What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark? A period, since it ends his sentence.",1,en
"Mothers have Mothers day, father's have Father's day, couples have Valentine's day and I have Palm Sunday.",1,en
What's a Warboy's from Mad Max's favourite web browser? Chrome,0,en
"What did one Excel spreadsheet say to the other Excel spreadsheet in bed? ""I'm summing, I'm summing!""",1,en
mods be like lock lock lock ching chong,0,en
"Some people think horror movies or big spiders are scary, but nothing terrifies me more than couples that share a Facebook profile.",1,en
How many headshots should I send to my model? Depends on the calibre. ,1,en
What will Lady Gaga call her baby. Baby Gaga.,0,en
"After watching superman vs batman trailer, my expectation during exam time. Professor : Tell me...do you read? Me : No Professor : You will",1,en
what does spiderman do when he's not fighting crime? web development .,0,en
how do you catch a swedish fish? with a gummy worm as bait,1,en
What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery? A yeaster bunny!,0,en
If a cougar is a woman who likes younger boys. then a man who likes younger boys must be a Nittany lion,1,en
"The Internet. The internet: Where Men are Men, Women are Women, and children are the FBI",1,en
"what is grey , very big and when it falls out of a tree the stove breaks? the stove .",0,en
What type of condom does Spock use? Vulcanized rubber!,0,en
"if anyone needs an ark, i noah guy .",1,en
what is a paradox? a small medical clinic .,1,en
What gets less rain than the Sahara Desert? The sun!,0,en
Did you mean to use wordplay there? Nope unintended. ,0,en
slept like a log last night. woke up in the fire place this morning,0,en
told my boss the salary i want when i move to california . him : so you want the moon and all the stars too? me : and saturn .,0,en
Lessons learned from Star Trek: Nemesis. Remember to always backup your Data,0,en
why do programmers drink coffee so much? so they aren't lying when they say they like java .,1,en
"Dentist: when was the last time you flossed? Me: bro, you were there.",0,en
"Me: Can I pet your dog? Stranger: sure M: one more time S: uh, ok M: again S: maybe you should get your own M: pet S: we have to go M: mine",0,en
Why are hospitals the best gardens? There's always a variety of vegetables to choose from.,1,en
what was jesus never thankful for? fridays .,0,en
Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships. I came out with a Bronze,1,en
"My friends think my cat is loyal and selective with his affection, but the truth is that I don't have any friends.",1,en
Q: What kind of snake is good at math? A: An adder.,0,en
"Yesterday, someone tickled my bone... ...It wasnt Humerus",0,en
What video game console can you not be upset while playing? The Nomad,1,en
"dogs are all "" huh? "" while cats are all "" ugh . """,1,en
"A man collapses in a busy street. Someome from the crowd shouts ""Somebody call him an ambulance!"" Suddenly, another voice calls out ""You're an ambulance!""",1,en
What do you get when you cross Kate Upton with royalty? A bouncy castle.,0,en
what's the best way to fix a horse race? evolution .,1,en
Where does Skrillex like to eat lunch? He goes to WUBway!,0,en
"I had one of the first computers that could talk.... But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.",0,en
My daughter is so brave She thought she could take it,0,en
Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs. I was really surprised when I found out a kid made them.,1,en
Why did the Redditors like when a tornado hit a fence? There was a lot of reposting to do,1,en
"If anyone needs any morals, I have some I'm not using.",1,en
I don't stereotype. I type with one hand,1,en
How do you get more friends? You tell girls you love them,1,en
Why are all ants British? Because they colonize.,1,en
how is having a new dishwasher at a kitchen job like being in the matrix? there is no spoon .,0,en
What's the craziest type of bread? Banana Nut Bread!,0,en
I dreamt last night that I got Reddit gold. Instead I got downvoted to oblivion,0,en
What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.,1,en
"At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off",0,en
"When you go to the dentist, Reddit. Don't cheetohn your diet",0,en
you wanna know the best food to eat when sad? cheerios,0,en
farmer : what would you do if a bull charged you? mary : i'd pay whatever it charged .,0,en
My bunny died. Now he's just some bunny that i used to know,0,en
I was once blind for a couple of years. It was a very dark time in my life,1,en
"no one ever said life was easy, but several people said you were .",1,en
"Woman without curves is like a road without bends. You may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell",0,en
How do you ask a sauce how old he is ? Sausage,1,en
What's another name for whole grain pasta? Spaghetto,1,en
Why did the duck leave the dancefloor? He didn't want to get down on it.,0,en
MEN: Developed Theory of Relatively. Walked on the Moon. Painted the Mona Lisa. Baffled by bra hooks.,1,en
"i'm a people person, but from a distance .",0,en
One year later after Pavlov's dog death. Pavlov still brings him food,1,en
I find puns about bones to be. quite Humerus,1,en
Did you hear about the latest thing affected by recession? My hairline!,1,en
It's hard to tweet and change the baby's diaper at the same time. nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light,0,en
Q: What kind of snake is good at building things? A: A boa constructor.,0,en
What article of clothing is round and rubbery? Attire.,1,en
"Satan cannot be everywhere, So Relatives were created..",1,en
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well balanced meal.,1,en
How is the Catholic Church different from the coronavirus? The coronavirus doesn't hurt children.,1,en
"when do you know that your career has gone south? when you end up moving to south korea , of course !",0,en
what do cars do at the disco? brake dance .,1,en
what do a redhead and a freezer have in common? they've both got ice on the inside .,1,en
"Friends only its Dogs but instead of claps in the theme song, barks",1,en
i just found a little puppy on the sidewalk and it started talking! it was weird but tasted great .,0,en
"Scientists report global context shortage. ""I guess I'll have flan,"" some scientist said, totally out of context",1,en
"I broke my arm in a couple places; know what the doctor said? ""Stay out of those places!""",0,en
feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy. the trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first,1,en
Why did the pirate cross the road? Because X marks the spot.,0,en
what's so ironic about disabled toilets? they're big enough to run around in .,1,en
"Boss: ""Are you texting?"" Me: ""No, I'm Tweeting."" Boss: ""What's the difference?"" Me: ""Texting would imply that I have friends.""",1,en
fun new prank: walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare pokemon .,0,en
"My editor told me I need to be more pithy, so I booked an appointment with a urologist.",1,en
"What can locking up everything change? If you think that there's some effect, we'll, good lock",0,en
Did anyone else hear about the claustrophile? He just came out of the closet recently.,1,en
I would never commit suicide But Anthony Bourdain sure had no reservations ,0,en
How does grandma's chairlift work? It has to do with nanatechnology.,1,en
My best friend seems homeless... He's a minimalist.,1,en
Russia has started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies...  Nyetflix.,0,en
What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? A ladder in her stocking !,0,en
What was wrong with Genghis Khan's new suit? There was a chink in his armor.,1,en
So according to this BMI chart. I am too short,0,en
Why did the boy want to see a thunder storm in Greece? Because Greece lightening,1,en
Are you going hunting ? because i got the meat for you,0,en
What's the deal with homeless people? Just get a house.,1,en
Did you hear about the Greek priest who left his religion to join Catholicism? They're calling his actions completely unorthodox,1,en
You don't need to hold a girl's hand during an abortion. There's a handrail next to the toilet,1,en
What do you call someone with a large head? The headmaster.,1,en
I forgot my hard hat when I went to the building site. Health and safety came down on me like a tonne of bricks,1,en
"Whats the difference between spiders, women and music? I actually listen to music and dont hit spiders with a book.",0,en
What Do Me and Christmas Ornament have in common? We both hang from trees,1,en
"I'm trying to modify air conditioning units to wheelchairs for local hospitals. I'm not doing it for them, I just hate when my veggies aren't cold.",1,en
Father: You were absent on the day of the test? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!,0,en
"my wife asked , "" how do cheese strings work? "" i started to laugh , but then i stopped . how do cheese strings work",1,en
"Why do surgeons wear masks? If they make a mistake, They can get away with it...",1,en
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in his fur? Chocolate chip wookie.,1,en
I once went to a store that sell extra chromosomes... Everyone behind the counter was a little down.,1,en
my new book about doing your own hair color is a total flop. i haven't sold one copy of a guide to dying alone,0,en
"Missing socks When you lose a sock in the wash or laundry hamper, the one that's left becomes more human than you know. It's looking for its sole mate",1,en
I just finished a documentary on beavers Best dam movie I've ever seen.,1,en
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.,0,en
think you're smart? try explaining daylight savings time to a kid .,0,en
Brutally honest? I'm always honest ... I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth,1,en
"naming my favorite books is like choosing which of my kids i love more! in that i have a full list right here , do you have a pencil ready",0,en
"i like sleeping, it's like death without the commitment .",0,en
"Rain drop, drop top. Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped",1,en
What do you call a Greek Magician? Abra Kebabra,1,en
Did you hear about the oompah loompah marathon? Contestants are running short.,1,en
"I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.",1,en
I'm not crying. I'm just watering my moustache,0,en
Do you know what they say about the guy that invented life savers? He sure made a mint.,0,en
What do you call a nose that can see into the future? Nostrildamus,1,en
What did the duck say to the dog right before the world ended? Quack.,0,en
i just recently became a vegetarian. i quit meat cold tofu,0,en
What does dad and superheros have in common? They both never exist,1,en
"I had an industrial accident last week. I fell into an upholstery machine, but I'm fully recovered now.",1,en
Drake started from the bottom. Of Darwin's evolution chart,0,en
"when does a dog go "" moo ""? when it is learning a new language !",0,en
People with HIV done nothing wrong! Theyre just spreading positivity!,0,en
why does thor have insomnia? he's up all night to get loki .,1,en
Achilles thought his job interview was going well until they asked about his greatest weakness. Then he had to admit defeat,1,en
did you guys hear about the ceo of reddit? i heard he's a great guy .,0,en
is thinking about doing something! now just got to think what that something will be,0,en
"Lauren on Facebook asks: ""What's the best way to ward off ghosts? "" To which I replied: ""a camera.""",1,en
men are like lava lamps. fun to look at but not very bright,1,en
"when i see something funny on the internet , i don't usually laugh. i just blow more air out of my nose than usual",1,en
"sometimes i feel like if it weren't for the free coffee and internet, i'd never go to work .",1,en
I went to see my Coincidental Hygenist the other day. Turns out she was one of my friends from high school,1,en
why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will clean them,1,en
What do you call a fake Irish diamond? A shamrock.,1,en
What's the difference between Demi Lovato and Adele? Demi Lovato looks natural when she sings 'high notes'. ,1,en
I respect tyres. They've got plenty of wheelpower.,1,en
"How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas? With a DustBuster.",1,en
i've bought the wife a transparent bath. it'll save me a fortune on taking the kids to sea world,0,en
how do you make a hamburger smile? pickle it gently !,0,en
"""It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear! "" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.",0,en
What type of car does a dinosaur drive? a priustoric!,1,en
My most forced joke. How did the lumberjack keep his business from falling behind when all the trees ran out? By moving faux wood. Rimshot,0,en
"a mathematician and a statistician wrote a cook book together. it was called "" pi a la mode """,1,en
Why do optometrists enjoy nautical jokes? They have a good sense of aqueous humor.,1,en
I think I might be gender fluid because today I felt like a woman.  I couldn't get the lid off a jar of jam.,1,en
two men came to the door asking if i'd found jesus. i had no idea he was missing and i suddenly got nervous thinking i might be a suspect,1,en
Susan froze to death. She was cremated It's what she would have wanted,0,en
What is the loneliest bayou in Louisiana? Bayou self,0,en
"Me: I couldn't eat another thing. Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.",0,en
"why is being a pirate addictive? they say that after you lose your first hand , you get hooked !",1,en
what the difference between a pancake? it tastes better with jam .,1,en
What do priests and Christmas trees have in common? Their baubles are just for decoration.,1,en
what's all this talk about reddit's servers being down? guess i can't see what everyone else sees .,0,en
"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You look, you get a sense of it, and you look away. AND you can look longer with sunglasses! ",1,en
What do you call a woman with a black eye? A quick learner.,1,en
"It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. ""Good luck,"" he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases",1,en
did you here what the waiter did at the restaurant? he waited,1,en
"I just a wrote an Ethiopian cookbook... It was so easy, all the pages are blank.",0,en
"I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.",1,en
how do you start a teddy bear race? ready teddy go !,0,en
"Say what you want about my father, but... at least the man has always stayed in the picture. The picture inside my wallet.",0,en
i ate a lot. it tasted like cement,0,en
A Jewish man goes to ask God what that's girl's number was in back at camp. God replys pull up your sleeve,1,en
I'm thinking of investing in cancer research. I hear it's a growth industry,1,en
Fish I've got a great pet fish. I called him home. He is an absolutely wonderful fish! You might even say there's no plaice like home,0,en
My friend spilled ice all over the floor at first i was pissed off but now it's just water under the fridge,1,en
"I say ""Hey man, I got your back."" He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. ""Baby got back."" I say",1,en
"You call them ""cuss words"". I call them ""sentence enhancers""",1,en
What's a reindeer's favourite celebrity? Beyonsleigh,0,en
Why Pakistani people are afraid of the economy? Because prices will not be the only thing that blows up.,1,en
What would you call an additional day added to the week? Sumday,1,en
What's the longest joke without a punchline the Bible ,0,en
q : what you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything. a : three men and a baby,0,en
"So i asked my girlfriend if she faked it yesterday. She said ""No, i was really asleep""",1,en
how do u find an old man in the dark? its not that hard,0,en
I told my wife I'd help with the kid if we ever had one So far the stairs have been working fine though ,1,en
Last night I slept with my contact lenses on. My dreams have never been clearer,1,en
"School makes me want to die But luckily, it's an American public school so they can help with that.",1,en
"Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends? A squadratic formula, if you will.",0,en
"my dog eats too much food and throws it up . everyday . i swear to god if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing .",0,en
"Which one of the smurfs is the only one to recycle? Smurfette, as she's the only one with a blue box! Lol",0,en
"when i win the lottery i'm getting a pool boy, maybe i'll even get a pool .",1,en
"Deep After stewing in his emotions, emo veg comes to the conclusion that the root of the world's problems is that people don't seem to carrot all.",1,en
"I got a new couch... ...wasn't sure how comfortable it would be, but sofa so good!",0,en
"Umm Leo, there has been a mistake. Steve Harvey wrote the cards",0,en
How does Catholic priests and bishops find enlightenment? Through little boys. ,1,en
when is a tree it's loudest? when it begins to bark .,1,en
What's better than shooting videos for YouTube? Shooting YouTube for videos,0,en
Today my wife kissed me I'm surprised how much she has grown since I got her ,0,en
"They say diabetics have alot of sugar, so I licked a diabetic friend's hand... ... but he seemed pretty sour.",1,en
fortune cookie : you will go on a date with a beautiful woman. she could do so much better,0,en
"Besides watermelon, there should be windmelon, firemelon and earthmelon. The four elemelons",1,en
What's the best pokemon in pokemon go? It's Victreebel if you go to a gym you will always get a victory with it.,0,en
"If your boss asks ""Working hard or hardly working? ,"" come back with a witty quip like ""Tomorrow I'm bringing a gun to the office.""",1,en
"Two soldiers are in a tank. ""BLUBLUBLUBBLUBLUB"", said one to the other. A variation of the 'two fish are in a tank' joke.",1,en
i've spent all day trying to convince people on reddit i'm french. i give up,1,en
why did winnie the pooh want to become an astronaut? because he wanted to go on a honeymoon .,0,en
How do you greet your Mexican friend eating sushi? Wassap B,0,en
What do you call books in the entranceway to a bookstore? Foyer entertainment,1,en
Whats the difference between a woman and a flatscreen Their value,1,en
laziness level: i get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries,1,en
did you hear charlie sheen has hiv? he thinks he got it after sleeping with two and a half men .,0,en
"Why can't an IT guy be a doctor? Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again",0,en
According to an old Irish saying. Summer is the best day of the year,1,en
What do you call the special ed wing at school? The produce aisle,1,en
"Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.",1,en
What do you call the director of Kill Bill out in the sun? Squintin' Tarantino,0,en
I just want to thank you for explaining that Geico ad to me. It means a great deal,0,en
Roses are red Roses are red Violets are blue When you go down on me Please don't chew,0,en
Why did Snoop Dogg lose control of his Pontiac? The drizzle,1,en
My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet,1,en
"A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital... When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said ""No change yet.""",1,en
why was the nose running? cuz it's a running nose,0,en
"i'm sorry i wasn't part of your past, can i make it up by being in your future ?",0,en
"Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention? Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim. Jim: ...Say that again.",0,en
why don't italians like jehovah's witnesses? italians don't like any witnesses .,1,en
Who is the richest painter? Manet.,0,en
"Apparently you could fold the new IPhone now Granted, you cant use it afterwards but you could fold it",0,en
Rabbex I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves. ,1,en
what did lincoln say about his experience at ford theater? he said it was mind blowing .,1,en
"My dog keeps whimpering at her empty food bowl. So I put her in another room. I'm not sure what that bowl did to her, but it's obvious it upset her.",1,en
I heard that Congo's economy was struggling. Looks like they need a hand to fix it.,1,en
"i think i'm agnostic, but i haven't decided .",1,en
"Did you know Paul walker was on the radio? He was also on the dashboard, the windshield, and the steering wheel.",1,en
how long is a chinese name. it's not a question,1,en
Hickory dickory dock Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one And the other two got away with minor injuries,0,en
What is the Hamburglar's favorite David Bowie song? Rebel Rebel!,0,en
"It's International Puppy Day! So how do you like yours, fried or roasted?",0,en
Why did the programmer visit the city tour? Because they were handing out guides for the deaf.,1,en
What do you call a candle that goes missing? Madeleine Mccandle.....,1,en
What part of Popeye never rusts? The part that he puts in Olive Oil ,0,en
"my kids are young , so when they listen to old school music they think its new. they are currently listening to a hot new band called queen",1,en
I'm fine with bestiality as long as it's consensual. Neigh means neigh,1,en
"I love eating Swiss pancakes. They're like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want",1,en
Whats the difference between an American new born and abortion Abortion is planned,1,en
That scene which she dies is full of suspense. What a breathtaking moment,0,en
what does reddit share in common with the real world? a messed up system of karma,1,en
what's the difference between bigfoot and a mexican with a beard? bigfoot is occasionally sighted,1,en
What dance move catches everyone by surprise? The Plot Twist!,0,en
the furniture store keeps calling me to come back. but all i wanted was that one night stand,1,en
"hahaha: used when "" haha "" just isn't funny enough .",1,en
Facebook is for Leaders. Twitter is for Followers,1,en
for sale : thick layer of dust. as seen on tv,1,en
"i order to stay in the navy, i had to take a course in anchor management .",1,en
Wife just texted me that she is craving Thai. I need a reply,0,en
What is the fastest type of car?? A rental car.,1,en
"My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator...  I guess we are raised differently...",1,en
National geographic made a video on monkeys yesterday I didn't know they worked on plantations,1,en
A good thing about being single is I don't have to worry about anyone flushing while I shower. Or caring that I exist or whatever,1,en
Why is Rene Descartes considered a thinker? Because he is.,1,en
What's the most efficient fuel to use when chasing cars? Snow Petrol!,0,en
"My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.",1,en
Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.,1,en
Where are smells made? In the olfactory.,0,en
"when the zombie apocalypse comes, we'll be the last to go because we never leave our houses .",1,en
"sometimes if you say "" wow , you're tall! "" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash",0,en
"what did the optimist say as he jumped off the building? so far , so good .",1,en
Where does the Little Mermaid shop for her dinglehoppers? At the Hair Cutlery.,1,en
Hula hoopers never seem to get anywhere. They're just going around in circles,1,en
What kind of line gets thicker and thinner at the same time? A line of marathon runners,1,en
"StackOverflow developers have the hardest job on the internet. When the site goes down, they have to fix it without StackOverflow",1,en
The unused coloring book. Why can't the little girl color the elephant in her coloring book? Her arms are amputated.,0,en
"missing: black and white cat with red collar . very intelligent . mittens , if you're reading this , please come home .",0,en
"Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday Arrr those where the day's.",0,en
"Thanks to incognito private browsing, nobody will discover my deepest, darkest secret. That I play RuneScape",0,en
what's green and floats? a leaf,0,en
what did batman say at the deli? got ham,0,en
Hamp strings I love playing with my hampster. He goes round and round and then ding The microwave is done,1,en
Did you hear that the saucepan beat the pot in a wrestling match? It was a real boil over.,1,en
what is the best way to hunt bear? with your clothes off,0,en
How are bears related to cooking? The pan... duh,1,en
"I have the body of a god: Sadly, it's Buddha.",1,en
why was the cell phone wearing glasses? he had lost his contacts !,0,en
what did matthew mcconaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn? a right a right a right !,0,en
I wore gloves to school today And body armor,1,en
Which mammal is known to spend most of its life in the air but gives birth on land? Airhostess,1,en
What did the Irish traveller say to his ex wife? I hope we can still be brother and sister,1,en
Cats dont have nine lives... I found that out the hard way,0,en
"Roses are red... Violets are violet. I'm not original, I stole this from reddit.",0,en
"what does a vegetarian hunter say before dinner? "" lettuce prey """,1,en
"So, Pee Wee Herman announced he has converted to Islam He's currently planning a pilgrimage to Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Ho.",1,en
"I went to an atom party last night. It was crazy, but in the middle of the party a couple splitted up and the party exploded!",0,en
"Just overheard someone say, ""I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries."" You know. Like a book.",1,en
"i'm going to nap so hard today, my pillow is going to need a cigarette when i'm done with it",0,en
The anchorwoman on the local news just reported that Davy Jones from the Monkees has died At first I didn't believe it. But then I saw her face,1,en
how many chernobyl survivors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none . they already glow .,0,en
what kind of pizza do pilots like? plain .,1,en
Why do we. Cook bacons and bake cookies,0,en
Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.,0,en
what is Ceasar's slogan for his advertising company? Ceasar sell ads,1,en
"I went to buy a 'Where's Wally? ' book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.",0,en
If you give a developer a cookie. they'll tell you why it's really better to use local storage,1,en
"My friend bought a choir girl zombie costume for Halloween. She put it on and said, ""Am I menacing? "" I said, ""Of course, you're a choir girl.""",1,en
"Wife: It's time for a vacation. Me: Where do YOU want to go? Wife: Hmm... Maybe the Bahamas? Me: Great idea! And, I'LL go camping upstate",0,en
"I just found out that ""Birdman"" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.",0,en
"how would u like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or u can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone",0,en
What do you call a swashbuckler when he noticed you? A senpairate.,1,en
How does Amazon Mexico pay its employees? In Jeff Pesos.,1,en
How do you tell if a sauce is a hot chilli ? Your kid's eye will turn red.,1,en
What do you call a crayon without any wax? A crayoff,1,en
"Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page",0,en
What do you call a pirate cartoon? An animatee!,1,en
What do you call a paraplegic archer? Legolas.,1,en
toilet issues why did the dutch man have to get off the toilet? because it was all clogged up !,1,en
Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking? He kept beating a dead horse.,0,en
a fine is a tax for doing wrong. a tax is a fine for doing well,1,en
"i'm really bad at making at fences oops, wrong place for this post",0,en
it's so hot outside! i'm sweating like jessica simpson in a spelling bee,0,en
So we're on for next Friday? Perfect. I'll call you Thursday to reschedule.,0,en
"As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee",1,en
"if you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator ?",1,en
I was really annoyed when my birthday present broke after I had only played with it once. Especially since the orphanage doesn't do refunds.,1,en
What is the preferred newspaper of lighting fixtures? The Lamp Post.,1,en
why are wendy's burgers so good? because they don't cut corners .,1,en
"They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience. Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don't think it hurt that much",1,en
"You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon",0,en
why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed? because they always want to be right .,1,en
her : all the men have jackets on . why didnt you wear the sports jacket i got you? me : you bought me a ski jacket her : skiing is a sport !,0,en
Did you hear about the tornado that swept through the cemetery? Hundreds dead.,0,en
You could go blind from drinking antifreeze. But what if you're already blind? Then it's just a sweet and delicious refreshment!,0,en
what four letter word starts with f ends in k and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers threedots? a fork,1,en
jail is a prison term. and that was a prison sentence,1,en
What did the Amish IT guy say about the computer? It was a bit buggy.,1,en
i'm going to a costume party as jesus. what are some good jesus party quotes i can use ?,0,en
patient : doc what should i do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? dentist : don't smile in a bad neighborhood .,0,en
A friend was complaining about how hard it is to cook eggs sunny side up. I told him to put a lid on it,1,en
What was the border patrol agent's greatest regret? The Juan that got away.,1,en
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure now I see the spots much clearer.,1,en
If bit let was a Pokemon He'd be a gas type,0,en
I have a horse named mayo. Mayo neighs,0,en
Why did the english student get an F? His poem had ABAD rhyme pattern.,1,en
"as a doctor, i once had to remove the spine of a pirate he was all for it and said "" it was holding me back """,1,en
What do you call a car thief that took too much time looking in the glove box Curious George,0,en
"pluto: you dumped me , now all you do is drive by real slow and take pictures",0,en
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so i finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed,1,en
"have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? works pretty well , doesn't it",0,en
The Doctor made me walk again. Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill,1,en
jesus walks on water and everyone is impressed. i walk on water and i'm seriously concerned about this ice breaking threedots,0,en
what did the fish say to the jelous fish? ur jellyfish,1,en
teacher: a person who helps you solve problems you wouldn't have without them .,1,en
Sometimes you feel like you've grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce,1,en
Young riders pick a destination and go. Old riders pick a direction and go,1,en
People said Steve Jobs died too soon. But it was a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude towards battery life.,1,en
Me and the family were playing Mario cart and dad kept beating us... I wish he would let us play,0,en
how do you identify the head waitress at a restaurant? she's the one wearing knee pads .,1,en
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.,1,en
Do you know the gynecologist at Penn State? He works in a Happy Valley.,1,en
What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder? Unstable.,1,en
"Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into twitter.",0,en
"""The katana the greatest sword of all time folded over a thousand times to be able to cut through anything"" Didn't cut through those two bombs though.",0,en
"nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator .",0,en
"I'm developing a new sport that involves a ball, shotput, discus, and javelins. I'm calling it a game of throwns",1,en
I'm busy hiding all of the tissues in my house. So when Santa comes tonight he will have to use his beard,0,en
I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past X. I don't know why,1,en
What is it called when a Sailor in the Navy gets a care package from home? Underwear Replenishment,1,en
What do you call a depressed kid at a birthday party? An piniata,1,en
why is a cat like a penny? because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other .,1,en
What was Albert Einsteins DJ name? MC Squared,1,en
"What do you call a priest? now that I have got your attention, We need to save this subreddit this lock thing is messing it up please stop it.",0,en
What's the powerful weapon in Greenland's arsenal? The Nuuklear Bomb,1,en
Turns out Thanos wasn't the first pick for the name of the character. It was captain Rwanda.,0,en
i miss the old days. when a duck face meant that you had a stroke,0,en
"My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke",0,en
Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend? It's not like they had to be there...,0,en
"My baby made the bed all by himself.... Unfortunately, he used a big brown sheet. ",0,en
"You're the reason why I wake up every morning. Just kidding, I have to go to work",0,en
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person. So that I can get a better girlfriend.,0,en
I just assume everyone on my Christmas list has been naughty. Makes things simpler,0,en
Millions of Thanksgiving turkeys recalled. It seems that someone forgot to butter their balls before they left the factory,1,en
"i bet if i could see into the future, i would use that power to watch a lot more tv .",0,en
"A Frenchman walls into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says, ""Where'd you get that? "" The parrot says, ""In France. They're everywhere!""",1,en
How does a baritone make phone calls? Song distance!,1,en
What kind of trophy do I get every time I lift weights? Hypertrophy!,0,en
"What's a lie people tell each other to feel good about themselves I dunno man, ask the bot",0,en
Yesterday i saw the funniest thing i saw a vegetable die Yeah it fell off a wheel chair ,0,en
"More outlets please, anyone planning on building anything anywhere.",0,en
"if a cow laughs, does milk come out his nose ?",1,en
How do you say brassiere in German? Keepemfromfloppin,0,en
Why didn't the rope get any presents this year? He was very knotty.,0,en
What's a Vikings favourite dance? The Loki cokey.,1,en
"I've come from the future to let you know the Chilean miners will be OK, and that we haven't yet perfected time travel.",0,en
Grizzly bear attack: what to do? Don't look directly at it Don't look away Slowly backup as you push your daughter forward,1,en
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell? Addercadabra and abradacobra !,0,en
How many possibilities does a man with no arms and legs have? Limbitless,1,en
How does an emo kid determine his net worth? By scanning the barcode on his forearm to the register.,1,en
"Whats the difference between corona virus, and a catholic priest? I dont have corona virus in me",0,en
"everyone needs a three hour nap after their breakfast pizza, right ?",1,en
How is an old chineese chef called? A vet Edit:first time posting here i dont think it will be funny for you,0,en
how do they package bread at the bakery? they baguette .,1,en
what do you call an actor from alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production? role tied .,1,en
I care about how girls feel. The firmer the better,1,en
I have a question What does the L in FEMINIST stand for? Logic,1,en
"How many Star Trek captains does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but there are FOUR LIGHTS!",0,en
What is a synonym for thirsty? The kids in Africa. ,1,en
"My buddy has a telescope but I don't think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, ""Samantha""",1,en
What's the difference between a rap!st and a dictionary? One of them knows the definition of no,1,en
"If you're clever, what do you call a german waffle house? Luftwaffle!",1,en
What do triangles do in the summer? They tan.,1,en
"Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response. Ok, just me?",0,en
Anyone can overcome adversity. But it takes real strength to complain and then give up,1,en
"What did the Hot Dog say to the Cucumber? My brothers may have been eaten to death, but hey it was over quicker than your midnight insertion ""fun"".",0,en
"When God closes a door, he opens a window. My point is, this church needs better fire evacuation plans.",1,en
Q: Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach? A: Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.,0,en
What happened to Sam after he drowned? He became flotsam.,0,en
what do older women wear? depends,1,en
Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.,0,en
"when you play monopoly with chuck norris , you do not pass go , and you do not collect two hundred dollars. you will be lucky if you make it out alive",0,en
"what do you say to someone who is making a cardboard belt? "" that's a waist of paper ! """,1,en
"If a tree falls in a forest and no one hesrs it, Do the squirrels sleep sideways?",1,en
"i decided to have that fifth cup of coffee, and now the ghosts of my ancestors are scrolling through my itunes trying to pick a summer jam .",0,en
Teachers say that our dreams are the future But they dont let us sleep in class,0,en
I read a book about a transsexual woman with a speech impediment. It was titled 'Man or Myth',1,en
Why did the aligator spit out his lunch? Because it was two years old,1,en
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died,0,en
my girlfriend said she was in such a foul mood. so i took her to kfc,0,en
hey girl is your dad an astronaut? because i'm from nasa . there has been a terrible accident at the space station and he is dead,0,en
"One time, a cow saved my life It was bovine intervention.",0,en
Old people love My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that,0,en
q . what did the salt say to the pepper? a . hey baby what's shaking !,0,en
is your food spicy sir? no smoke always comes out of my ears !,0,en
i decided to give a name to my dinner. it was a miss steak,1,en
What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head? An ambulance because that is a serious medical emergency that requires immediate attention.,1,en
Why does milk from a pampered cow taste bad? It's spoiled.,1,en
This year's Delta inflight buckle your seat belt video isn't as good as the last one. I give two and a half seat belts,1,en
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert? You get very lumpy ice cream !,0,en
Why did the jewish kid ask for the wind direction? To know which way his parents went,1,en
I would tell you a joke about my sink... ..but its not clean,0,en
"Justice is a dish best served cold...  If it were served warm, it would be justwater...",1,en
"In the Men's Room, I hate pooping next to others. funny because i enjoy being amongst my peers",1,en
why did the scuba diver drop out of graduate school? because he was always below a c,1,en
"How did the Neanderthal dad teach his son how to wear underwear? Color coded: ""Yellow in front, brown in the back""",1,en
"My friend kept nagging me to donate one of my prepositions to charity. Eventually, I gave in",1,en
What do Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana have in common? None of them had protection in the tunnel.,1,en
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.,0,en
"As a California resident, I know autumn and Christmas are coming only because of the change in the featured Starbucks flavors.",1,en
Why can't you make something that's sort of like a macaron but not really? Because then it'd just be macaroni,0,en
"I like my men like I like my external hard drives... Solid state, and to dump all my history on. history",0,en
"BREAKING NEWS: ""Man eaten by shark on honeymoon"" Lucky escape if you ask me...",1,en
Apparently Kanye dropped a new album on an obscure platform. Torrent,0,en
Kids are like pets Most of them only live to the age of eight,1,en
"What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life, and you're just starting back at your last checkpoint?",0,en
what did tom get when he locked jerry in the freezer? mice cubes !,0,en
My teacher asked me to turn in my essay. Pero no soy un rata,1,en
"Venice, Italy What do you get from a frisky, naked old Venetian man who can't get it up and has difficulty walking? Canal.",0,en
My grandpa believes he is best friends with Freud. But I keep telling him he is just a Sigmund of his imagination,1,en
"How do you call it, when the internet is not working in Germany? ""InterNEIN""",1,en
Traffic. The only jam that doesn't go on toast,0,en
"Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption ""Summer is finally here! "" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.",1,en
spiderman : can i be in the avengers now ? captain america : um sure. spiderman : what should i do ? iron man : you're in charge of web design,1,en
"teacher : "" to which family does the elephant belong? "" pupil : "" i don't know nobody i know owns one ! """,1,en
"Mr. Salad asks Ms. Soup to go on a date. Ms. Soup accepts. ""What should I wear? "" Mr. Salad asks. She replies, ""It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed.""",1,en
What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say? Ewe haul.,1,en
"my ex wife is going through pms, i know this because my car is on fire .",0,en
"i didnt lose, i just ran out of time to win .",0,en
why does a dentist seem moody? because he always looks down in the mouth .,1,en
man goes to a burger stand and asks for an oasis burger the vendor asks what an oasis burger is. you get a roll with it,1,en
"When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn't mean I love them. It means I love me too",1,en
Why do so many girls wear sweaters that say 'SuperDry'. It's not like us boys wear sweaters saying 'micropenis',1,en
My friend bored me when talking about Latin. they had discussed it ad nauseam,1,en
"A man was asked about his education, to which he responded I went to a college up north. I have a major in Pediatrics and a minor in my basement",1,en
help i lost my coat! i hope someone didn't jacket,0,en
How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom? A Lot.,0,en
what time is it when an elephant sits on your car? time to get a new car .,0,en
"My son said he was touched by the priest at todays religious service I was there too, it was a beautiful ceremony",1,en
How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow? You ask an informer,1,en
"I've never seen a chimney sweep before. In fact, I've never seen a chimney do any chores.",1,en
What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent? Thanks for opening my mind.,0,en
""" this sushi is terrible . "" "" sir, this is an aquarium . """,0,en
What's an arborists favorite side dish? Can o' peas.,1,en
The god of time is going back to school to upgrade. Time will take its course,0,en
What is the most successful spinoff ever made? The Bible,1,en
I booked a day trip to Svalbard in April! I get back in August.,0,en
What's a Shamans favorite beverage? PeyoTEA.,1,en
What's the difference between a blender and a lawnmower The lawnmower makes a ton of mess and the bones get stuck.,1,en
"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..",1,en
"i'm so great, i'm jealous of myself .",0,en
how do the kardashians tell a joke? they get kim to talk slowly to him .,1,en
"i eventually understood usb type c design threedots and now, i can't really see any downside in it",1,en
"in terms of spelling difficulty, i think the word "" average "" is between easy and hard .",1,en
You're a unit of power harry I'm a WATT??,0,en
What lives in the sea and preys on mermaids? Jack The Kipper.,0,en
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party! Patient: But my birthday's not till next month Doc:Which brings me to the bad news,0,en
What do rich people and bad flossers have in common? Deep pockets.,1,en
Didnt know dishwashers could work Well equality means everyone can now,0,en
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that's all you really need,1,en
"always pay your taxes with a smile i tried, but the irs still wanted cash .",1,en
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven? me: who all going,0,en
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better. CAN'T WAIT!,0,en
How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen? You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.,0,en
knock knock who's there ! aardvark ! aardvark who? aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles !,0,en
Where did the ice cream man get his driver's licence? Sundae school.,1,en
What's long and stylish and full of cats? The Easter Purrade!,0,en
"Funniest YouTube channel? Mark Fitzgibben, Brandon Berg or BroKaine ? XDDD",0,en
i love cooking children and dogs. but i hate using commas,0,en
What do males and females have in common? They both want to be inside an attractive women,1,en
"With the layoffs I've gone through this year, I've begun to really envy people who work with horses They have a stable job.",1,en
"What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? ""Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!""",1,en
"when my boss is mad and takes it out on me, i do less work . can't reward bad behavior with a positive response . training works both ways",1,en
What does the sun skate on? Solarblades,0,en
when the crooked hamburger took it on the ' lamb ' where did it go? oh ' ewe ' know !,0,en
"The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO",1,en
What's a fireman's favourite drink? Water.,1,en
What did Anakin give to Padme for christmas? Sithilis,0,en
What's it called when you're using Tinder on the toilet? Swiping and wiping.,1,en
What do Turkey and David Copperfield have in common? They both make things disappear without saying how,1,en
Gonna sell custom made coffins Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime,1,en
will the new apple car have windows? no . and it won't have a jack either .,0,en
What do you call a Kiwi with one leg? Not even bro.,1,en
"hi , welcome to fight club. first of all , how did you hear about us ?",0,en
"i don't believe in anything i can't see , hear or touch , like calories. my thighs , however , are clearly very gullible",1,en
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I'd love to hear a Michael Buble version of Monster Mash,1,en
I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up. It hasn't so I had some cheese,0,en
why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? because she never marries the best man .,1,en
why do girls like nice guys? cause nice guys always finish last .,0,en
Liquids with high viscosity... Why can't liquids with high viscosity get insurance? They resist Flo.,1,en
"my credit card company sent me a final notice bill. good , i was tired of hearing from them",1,en
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Haloumi!,0,en
"Your face is kinda similar to a planet... ''Oh yeah, Which one? '' ''Uranus''",0,en
"Q: What's the difference between a moose and an ant? A: A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers.",0,en
having trouble making friends? just tell a girl you love her and her first reaction is to say lets just be friends .,0,en
I like my diversity like how I like my laundry... Whites in one load and colors in the other.,1,en
i always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. it reminds me why there's no money in there,1,en
What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland? The Loch Ness Elephant !,0,en
"i'm trying to get on your good side, but i haven't found it yet .",0,en
"Dad, my laptop's frozen. Have you tried warming it up?",0,en
updates status threedots no one comments. updates status again,0,en
"Why do neutrons shoot through dense material, but get reflected by softer material during Radiography? Have always been curious of this.",1,en
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.,1,en
Here comes my big moment. MOMENT,0,en
What do women and fuses have in common? They blow when they get turned on.,1,en
life takes you where you are meant to be. apparently i am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience,1,en
"if you ever need anything , just ask. but also , please never need anything",0,en
"first date tip : let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet . when she asks "" is that your puppy? "" say "" no . that's my dad . "" then storm off .",0,en
"I can't define ""pattern matching"". but I know it when I see it",1,en
"the more people i meet, the more i like my dog .",1,en
Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? A: It is the one with the kickstand.,0,en
What was World of Warcraft called in the beta stage? World of Wardraft.,0,en
A man died in my theater while watching The Rise of Skywalker... I got to see the end of two sagas,0,en
how do you silence a group of women? bring out your camera .,0,en
Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers? Math hue.,1,en
I made a graph of my past girlfriends. It has an ex axis and a why axis,1,en
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me,0,en
My self esteem is so low. The other night my hand told me that it had a headache,1,en
the punchline comes first. how can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time ?,1,en
"Where do you go if you want the dishwasher, washer, and dryer all in one at the best price Tinder",1,en
Why don't renovators paint floors? It's beneath them.,1,en
What do you call a rapper skeleton Machine gun Skelly,1,en
Our gold fish jumped out of his tank and the dog ate it. I feel like there is a life lesson here but don't know what it is,0,en
"When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don't wink. It can easily be misinterpreted",1,en
Why should you never watch a movie with a generous Nascar driver? He might give away spoilers!,0,en
What are children generally better at then adults? Giving the pope an errection,1,en
What is the gardener's favourite fruit? Plantain.,1,en
Just bought a new disposable razor. Or a spaceship,0,en
"what's the difference between a married guy and a single guy? wait , let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke .",0,en
What's a mouse's least favorite shape? A trapezoid.,0,en
"What similar between my crush and ice cream? I am going to taste both tonight sorry not dark, I am just excited for my date with her",0,en
What do bad photographs and the Irish famine have in common? Potato quality,1,en
"When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say ""its extra is that ok? "" if u say its not ok they give it to u for free",1,en
What do you call a girl with a bad yeast infection? A bread box.,1,en
"on a scale of north korea to america, how free are you tonight ?",1,en
some people don't believe in new year resolutions. like everyone in this mcdonald's drive thru,0,en
"My Asian friend asked me what the word correctible meant... I replied, ""It's what you call an object regarded as being of value or interest to a collector.""",1,en
accidentally deleted an invitation to join linkedin from a friend. i doubt i'll ever get an opportunity like that again,0,en
What's the difference between an apple and a baby? I don't season my apples before I eat them.,1,en
I know why the Smash community is so happy with the new Minecraft fighters... ...cause they love miners,0,en
what do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner? carbon dating .,1,en
what kind of pastry do you need a thesaurus to eat? synonym rolls,1,en
Where did suzie go when she got lost in a minefield Everywhere,0,en
"When I was a kid we were in line at the bank and the lady in front of us pager started beeping I yelled ""y'all look out she's backing up""",1,en
My friend told me he had the body My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek. ,1,en
"when they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, i always say that i can't open my eyes under water",1,en
"If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash",1,en
"i got robbed by a magician took my wallet, watch and every silver dollar i had behind my ear .",1,en
"my psychologist said that i am losing my mind , and i don't agree. i'd say that my mind is losing me",1,en
What's a person with down syndrome favorite band? Syndrome of a down,1,en
What do you call a woman who can't draw? Tracy,0,en
why was the laser sad? all his gas is argon .,1,en
"i put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case i need more cargo pants .",1,en
"Everyone knows that ""no means no"" Fortunately, dogs can't talk.",1,en
"dad , i'm thirsty. hey thursday , i'm friday",0,en
is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me? i'm cool if it's a burrito .,1,en
How do you say Vaseline in German? Vienerslidein,1,en
"Sir, your account has been hacked! A: Facebook?! B: No, your bank account! A: Oh! Thank God!",0,en
What is the largest moth the world has ever seen? A mammoth,1,en
Why did Vader deceive everyone about his love affair with the Emperor? Because he was in Sidious.,1,en
what did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver? i'm at your service ma'am .,1,en
"oh , what? sorry . i was trying to imagine you with a personality .",0,en
"true love man : i want to share everything with you , my love. woman : let's start with your bank account",0,en
"hi , i'm your car's radio. i'll be playing terrible music during your trip , but once you get out of the car i'll play your favorite song",0,en
I actually have a good Japanese joke. Anime'd it myself,0,en
what do old cars and dead chickens have in common? you'll usually get more money for them if you sell them for parts,1,en
q : what happens when two snails fight? a : they slug it out .,0,en
"To this day, no band has outdone The Beach Boys in singing about a car's technical specs.",1,en
"noses are red , violets are blue. it ain't love darling , you got flu",0,en
Today I decided to study abroad. Or maybe two,1,en
Why was the skeleton using the Internet? To bone up on his schoolwork.,1,en
what is your favourite type of birthday present? another present !,0,en
"whenever i find the key to success, someone changes the lock .",0,en
"teacher : did your father help your with your homework? student : no , he did it all by himself .",1,en
how are a roof and quantum physics the same? they both go over your head .,1,en
Mother's Day is once a year. But Sunday is once a week,1,en
i'd date me. but mainly because i put out,1,en
What do you call a frog that lives in the desert A camel toad,1,en
Where have all the emos gone? Not so long ago they seemed to grow on trees,1,en
What do you get when you combine north beach and south beach? Sum of beaches.,0,en
"Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?",1,en
"Now that I'm retired, I've taken up meditation... It beats sitting around doing nothing...",1,en
Why did the ram go over the cliff? Because he didn't see the ewe turn.,1,en
what would you call jesus if he was born in mexico? the chosen juan .,1,en
"what says "" mark ! mark ! mark ! mark ! mark ! ""? a dog with a hair lip",1,en
What do you call a thick wire made of phone batteries? Likable,1,en
I thought my wife was happy to fully repair my jeans. Or at least sew its seams,1,en
slot twist : that usb drive goes in the other way. turn it over,0,en
What do Jerry Sandusky and tuna have in common? They both come in little cans.,1,en
why do bananas get all the ladies? because they have appeal,1,en
"What did the doctor say to the rude patient who was reluctant to get stitches from him? ""Fine, suture yourself.""",1,en
"I wanted to get closer to Allah So, I drew a picture of Muhammad.",1,en
"mo ' money mo ' problems might be true, but i'd still like to find out for myself .",0,en
"Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga's wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that's the dress code.",1,en
What does blind man do in Cinema? Eats Popcorn,1,en
"no doggystyle, no reverse cowboy. only midnight sky",0,en
I was gonna make a joke about the internet. But Why Would We need it,0,en
My wife was proud that I admitted to also being married to someone else. she said it was big of me,1,en
why don't cats play poker in the jungle? too many cheetahs !,0,en
what do you call half a ginger? george .,1,en
"i lost my watch the other day. i'm sure it'll turn up , but there's no telling when",1,en
"so my friend went duck hunting the other day , but didn't get anything i told him it was alright. no harm no fowl",0,en
Where do bumblebees go for a wee? A BP station,1,en
"Lawyer: ""What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? "" Defendent: ""Gucci Sweats and Sum Jordan's""",1,en
i don't wear a watch. i decide what time it is,0,en
"TV sitcom idea: Wacky copy editor who yells ""nailed it! "" even when he didn't, also he's alone as mankind was obliterated by a viral pandemic",1,en
Why didn't the basketball player go on vacation. He didn't want to get caught traveling.,1,en
"i've been eating a lot of pineapple lately, you know what that means threedots i have a pineapple flavored sock under my bed .",0,en
doctor doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! well tell her to come in i can't she doesn't stop at this floor,0,en
"Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke? He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.",1,en
"So i just came back from a transformers convention... ...and boy, are my arms tires!",0,en
Can you really take sticks and twigs and make them into clothing? Sew it wood seam,1,en
"What's the difference between a simple person and a pizza? One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.",1,en
"When you're in trouble at work, be frank. That way, when the boss finds out, Frank gets the blame",1,en
I'm not racist... I think everyone should own a few.,1,en
"what did the sick fish say when he got sick? "" i've cod a cold . """,1,en
Why is the sea so strong? It has a lot of mussels.,1,en
kanye west said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn't compare himself to jesus. oh wait,1,en
"I called my Colectomy surgeon's office... To check on my appointment. A man with a Russian accent answered the phone saying, ""Thank you for colon.""",1,en
What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? He enters Nerdvana.,1,en
What do you do if you see your stepmother hobbling around in the backyard? Reload.,0,en
would you like to know how to read minds? it's simple ! just relax . take a deep breath . minds minds minds minds minds,0,en
friends are forever. until they get in a relationship,0,en
What do you get when there's no priests in Church? A safe environment for children in the community,1,en
Why can't you phone William Shakespeare? Because his number's bard.,0,en
"Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!",0,en
What do woman and dishwashers have in common? Both go back to working after getting hit enough,1,en
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.,1,en
It really hurts for me to say this but. I have a sore throat,0,en
what room does a ghost not need? a living room,1,en
Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Orally.,1,en
Q: What weapon is most feared by knights? A: A can opener.,0,en
How many punks does it take to change a light bulb? None. Punks never changed anything.,1,en
where do bacteria like to vacation? germany,1,en
"when someone posts "" hmmm. that was interesting threedots "" as their status on fb , i never ask what they're talking about because it never is",1,en
"hey lady , did you know i'm a pokemon? because i pikachu while you sleep .",0,en
Did you doggy paddle was a legal stroke in swimming? They do it in the paralympics all the time!,1,en
"my wife's credit card got stolen and she doesn't know how threedots i do, i've been praying for a financial miracle .",0,en
"please , lady , come home with me. you never know what i'll turn into , at midnight !",0,en
What is meant by 'a pull factor'? A big red sports car.,1,en
"So, a mate of mine has come back from a air conditioning course He now has 'A license to chill'.....",1,en
Usain bolt is very good at running. He had tons of practice trying to escape the police when he was a kid,1,en
"fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window .",1,en
"did adam and eve ever have a date? no , but they had an apple .",0,en
what's good for the soul and rarely found in america? a sense of humor .,1,en
I orderd a book from IKEA Got a book with a blank pages and a pen,0,en
"I will do whatever you want, I will do best for you  I am here for you",0,en
"I'll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...",0,en
my wife left me for a weather man. she'll be mist,0,en
waiter what is this hare doing in my salad? i believe he's eating your lettuce .,1,en
don't be part of the problem. be the entire problem,0,en
Who turned off all the lights? It too dark,0,en
"i'm not saying it's hard for me to lose weight, i'm just saying if you interrupt me when i'm eating i'm starting over .",1,en
"When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know... to send a message.",0,en
"Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth. it's called ""talking""",1,en
What are cranes made of? Cranium.,1,en
What the plate say to the other plate? Dinners on me,1,en
me : you're going to disagree with this statement. wife : no i'm not,0,en
"What did the hangman say to his apprentice? ""It's time for you to learn the ropes""",1,en
Q: Why the fireman was burried on the top of the hill? A: Because he was dead.,0,en
what's the funniest thing you can find in a closet? robin williams,0,en
Who's aardvark's favorite male singer? Frank Sinostril!,0,en
Why was the chicken rancher's daughter so popular at school? She knew how to raise cocks.,1,en
my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.,1,en
Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away? A: A polygon!,0,en
"Two nuns are riding bicycles down a bumpy road. One turns to the other and say ""I never came this way before""",1,en
What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head? The deceased !,1,en
"Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.",0,en
Do you think Rick Astley ever just busts into places unexpectedly? He could.,0,en
What was the corpse doing when Police found the body? Just hanging around.,1,en
what do you get when you mix a hamburger with guinness. a hamburger paddy,1,en
what has two wings and an arrow? a chinese telephone,0,en
Have you ever seen a blind person paint? I doubt they have,1,en
What do you call a crow who repairs time pieces? A bird watcher.,1,en
How do you use calculus in real life? You integrate it,1,en
"if i had a time machine, i would just keep going back to bed .",0,en
"if i were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home , it would be this : stare at something else. i chose a weird baby",0,en
My friends wanted to play a board game but we couldn't find a game that we were all in the mood for. We finally settled on Catan,1,en
"Why is the ocean blue? Because all the fish in there goes ""bloo bloo bloo""",0,en
What do you call someone who wears a diaper fashioned from a map? Incontinent,1,en
"to catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia .",0,en
How do you know if Chris Benoit was Ceiling Gang? They found him hanging from the ceiling.,1,en
"I tried telling a joke my friend from Baghdad told me. Unfortunately, Iraqed it",1,en
What do you get when you mix a hippie and a yellow? Mello Yellow,1,en
What do you get if you cross a Boxer and a Painter? Mohammed Dali,1,en
There isn't such a thing as a communist school is there. They're all in classes,1,en
"me : i'll sleep on it . mattress salesman : ok . me : so wrap it up . i'd like to sleep on it tonight . mattress salesman : oh, you want the threedots ok .",0,en
my son loves dogs and is terrified of them. which is exactly how i feel about my wife,1,en
I'm Starting a Fundraiser to Help Restore Sight to Seniors with Degenerative Eye Problems. Please Upvote for visibility,0,en
What is it called when a penguin cums? ice cream,1,en
what do you call a boys school in saudi arabia? driving school,1,en
A boy talks to his mom. He says :I got an f in math Mom :doesn't Metter you got cancer anyway,0,en
Teacher : Were you copying his sums? Pupil : No Sir just seeing if he got mine right !,0,en
What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais,1,en
When's the best time to see an optometrist? When you can't.,0,en
what is the difference between snow white and brazil? snow white had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in .,0,en
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.,1,en
what can you hold without ever touching it? a conversation .,1,en
Ozzy Osbourne just announced he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease... I guess you could say he is literally shaking.,0,en
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect,1,en
What do you call a film director with bad eyesight? Squintin' Tarantino,1,en
Black Friday has taken all of my money: Robinson Crusoe,0,en
I'd make a Limbaugh joke But I won't Rush.,0,en
Why did the cheerleader go to the men's locker room To get a sandwich,1,en
father christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet ! why not? because it wasn't raining !,0,en
Q: What's a tongue twister? A: When your tang gets all tongueled up.,0,en
Netflix and Chill or. Redtube and Lube,0,en
"thank you student loans , for helping me get through college. i am forever in your debt",0,en
"? Hey there Delilah, what's it like when u go grazing I know u said you're not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing Did u just moo",0,en
"Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.",1,en
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago,0,en
Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!,0,en
you have to chose between your so and one million dollars. what is the first thing you would buy ?,0,en
How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly ? Unzip it.,0,en
Why did the mechanic powerwash his shocks? Because he wanted to do a little spring cleaning.,1,en
"went to "" the social network. "" i ran into people i didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids",1,en
How do you get three girls to sleep with you? Foursome.,1,en
"My new hobby: Seeing animals in old films like westerns, and saying ""I can tell you something about that animal."" ""It's dead now.""",1,en
Wanna here a joke The latest Snap Chat Update,0,en
Why don't blind people sharpen pencils? They don't see the point.,1,en
"Nothing is too good for my girlfriend on Valentines day. I tried to get her nothing, but she was too good for that",0,en
just read a book on helium. couldn't put it down,0,en
"my wife asked for the broom threedots and i said, "" why ? are you going somewhere ? """,1,en
Suicide is not the answer But if it is the question Then the answer is yes,1,en
"Catholic Priest What did the Catholic Priest say to the Cub Scout Leader? So, do the boys pray standing or kneeling?",1,en
what does harambe order when he goes to a restaurant? he gets the kids meal .,1,en
"What do you call a German outkast? Hey, ja!",1,en
What's the similarity between the Mickey Mouse ClubHouse and Kids I come inside them,0,en
"You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.",0,en
what does a high school dance have in common with the parking lot at a keith urban concert? lots of bad pickup lines .,1,en
"you know those people who only tweet once every couple of days ? what do they have going on that i don't ? i mean, besides a life .",0,en
why did the salmon cross the road? to get to the front page,0,en
why do elephants jump across rivers? so they won't step on the fish .,1,en
i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week. its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook,0,en
did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? alike did was stand around making faces .,1,en
"a man told me there was a pikachu in the back of his white van. when i jumped in , it appeared that he was mistaken",1,en
what do you get when you cross worms with elephants? big holes in your garden,1,en
NEW YORK STATE OF MIND Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.,0,en
"""To Catch a Predator"" is the hardest game show to win no one has ever taken home the child",1,en
"Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?",1,en
What do you call a bee in a space rocket? bracket,0,en
"So honest question..  Do you all read your jokes before posting them and think about if they're good or not? Some of these jokes, man.. ",0,en
"Statistics are like a bikini What it reveals is suggestive, but what it conceals is essential.",1,en
Baseball baking What's the difference between a baseball cupcake and a baseball muffin. The batter,1,en
"The worst part about working for the department of unemployment... ...is that when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day...",1,en
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it,1,en
What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common? NEED MORE GAINS,0,en
How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend? Explaining his wife.,0,en
cause of death: dropped full can of soda on baby toe .,0,en
"I think we need to find faster means of travel across water. You catch my drift, mate?",0,en
THE REASON USAIN BOLT IS SO FAST Cause his ancestors had a lot of training in the fields,1,en
A club is not the best place to find love.... so the day care is where I go,0,en
""" whose funeral was this photo taken at? "" john , serious tone : "" i dunno . let's see who's missing "" possible funniest thing john has said",1,en
What do you call Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game? Homogeneous.,1,en
"I'm sorry, I don't find you arousing. No hard feelings",0,en
I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a movie with Matthew McConaughey. She said it's not a Matthew McKindaDay,1,en
Why can't horses fix merry go rounds? They'd be terrified,0,en
what happened to the fireman who let the house burn? he got fired .,0,en
"If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...",0,en
Spiders have it about right. If he doesn't bring her a snack when he courts her it's curtains,1,en
"if you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy .",0,en
What do you call a person who uses multiple accounts to upvote their own memes? Unidank,1,en
What do you call an Irish snake in Lord of the Rings? Legolas,1,en
"don't usually brag about helping people , but when i saw an old lady drop her groceries , i yelled : "" lift with a straight back! "" it felt good",1,en
What's the difference between a feminist and a blue whale? Blue whales aren't morbidly obese.,1,en
what did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car? i knew i could count on you,0,en
"i went on a date with a server threedots it went down on the first date. not sure if repost , just a really funny joke i just heard",0,en
That's the pope favorite method of payment? PayPal,0,en
apparently one in three people cheat. i wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend,1,en
""" why do bad things happen to good people? "" to even out the good things that happen to bad people .",1,en
I'm teaching my wife self defense But she can't block my punches. Anyway that's why I stand before you your honor.,1,en
I could be the next American Idol. If they could just let me bring my shower on stage,1,en
christmas: one woman's lie about a one night stand that got completely out of hand .,1,en
I don't believe in star signs but that's me. typical capricorn,1,en
i'm donating my body to science. i'm getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer,1,en
"Equality starts with e, because it's a modern concept.",1,en
"what's an australian kiss? the same thing as a french kiss , except it's down under .",1,en
"my friend asked me if i wanted to go to a nudist colony with him later. i said "" i've got nothing on , i might as well """,1,en
"i don't understand how anyone can get married until they've met everyone else in the whole world, just to make sure .",0,en
why couldn't they show the orchestra concert on tv? there was too much sax and violins .,0,en
What's an old carpenter's biggest issue? Losing teeth.,0,en
"if your mouse doesn't work , what is it? unemployed .",0,en
I wrote an essay once comparing various versions of the Bible. I had to do a lot of cross referencing,1,en
"when your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you .",0,en
"What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work? ""It twerks!"" I don't know how this came to me..",1,en
"there's been something wrong with my smelling lately threedots i've asked everyone, but no one "" nose "" the cause !",0,en
made this one up today : how do you stop joint pain? turn it around .,0,en
to the people that put their twitter link in their own twitter profile : thank you. i would have never found you otherwise,0,en
What do you call a lost American student in Germany? The middle piece.,1,en
Why did the welder put on a scuba tank? Someone's got to fix this sub.,0,en
"Why was Timothy, the British astronaut, selected to go to the ISS? He was in Peake condition.",1,en
I want my food like how I want the mods... Fried in the oven and eaten with group of people.,1,en
"I feel sorry for Piers Morgan. He's basically Piers Morgan, trapped in Piers Morgan's body",0,en
"you know how after you get off a boat , your body still feels like it's on the boat for a while after? i'm like that with beds .",0,en
studying abroad : spending months in another country. studying a broad : spending months facebook stalking ashley,0,en
What do Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have in common? Manning was just a bit too much for them.,1,en
You can idolize anything. You just have to put your mind into it,1,en
What do you call a detective novel about eskimos? Whodinuit,1,en
"violets are blue , roses are red violets are blue , roses are red. we're doing it backwards , that's what she said",0,en
Life is a garden. Sometimes you have to put a hand on a hoe,0,en
what did the radioactive sample say to the other radioactive sample? idk .,0,en
"Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...",0,en
my friend got a dog for his wife. i told him it was a fair trade,1,en
"a woman cries to her husband "" honey , the fridge isn't running "" husband replies "" good. i'm not in the mood for fast food """,1,en
"You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!",0,en
What do you do if your elephant has zits? Take him to a pachydermatologist.,0,en
What do you do when you miss your ex? You aim better.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde? A jet setter !,0,en
"How does an economist open a can of beans? ""Assume you have a can opener...""",1,en
"Just received an invitation to the local nudists club. I though why not, I've got nothing on",1,en
What's common between fish and chips and a disobedient wife? They both end up battered,1,en
What is Ben E King doing at cinema Eating popcorns lol,0,en
This orange does not taste right. I think I'm gonna put it back in the crayon box,0,en
Necrophiles like their coffee like they like their women. Still warm,1,en
"Why does nobody like to sit next to Elsa? Coz...she ""let's it go!""",0,en
Where do sheep get their haircut? At the baa baa shop!,0,en
"Whats the difference between a watering can and a woman Nothing, there only use is their holes",0,en
"What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time? Uranus.",1,en
what did the dolphin king say at the funeral of his faithful servant? you have served your porpoise .,1,en
how does michael j . fox deal with his parkinson's disease? he just shakes it off .,1,en
why did the hipster fail chemistry? he thought the bond was ironic .,1,en
"""What's the difference between a gnome and an elf? "" Gnomenclature.",0,en
"I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin! It squashed all of my doubts... And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.",0,en
"when does a bed grow longer? at night , because two feet are added to it .",1,en
I have an abstract joke. But I just can't seem to get it,1,en
q : what did the finger say to the thumb? a : i'm in glove with you .,0,en
"The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so. I choose sleep",1,en
"if someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree .",0,en
"when i said that you'd always have a place to stay in rough times , i meant like a motel or a shelter. anyway threedots you can't stay here",0,en
you should give a orphan a boomerang because it comes back unlike their parents,1,en
q : why are cows always broke? a : the farmers milk them dry .,0,en
What does Jared and a piece of jewelery have in common? They both come in small packages,1,en
What is in the middle of nowhere? The letter H,0,en
"For every player who credits God for the win, a player from the opposing team can logically blame God for the loss.",1,en
q : how did a blind man meet his wife? a : on a blind date !,0,en
Why was C Major arrested? He was with A Minor,0,en
"Mirror mirror on the floor, who's the worst at home decor?",1,en
a couple just married were happy with the whole thing. he was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing,0,en
nurse : would you like an appointment for next week? patient : no i'm sick now .,0,en
What's the difference between an American and a Canadian bear? Americans weigh more than a ton.,1,en
Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily !,0,en
Where did Michael Jackson go to college? BringemYoung University,0,en
Frosted Mini Wheats. The plain side is for the adult in me. The frosted side is for the kids in my basement.,1,en
What is Swizz Beatz's favorite breakfast meal? Alicia Quiche,0,en
how do ducks fly high? they use quack !,1,en
depression hurts. ask your doctor if maybe he wants to hang out saturday night if he's not doing anything,0,en
What do you call a boxer with an upset stomach? Gaseous Clay,1,en
what's the difference between south korean bbq and american bbq? south korean bbq has more seoul,1,en
why was the storm trooper such a good dad? he could never hit his kids .,0,en
why do americans drink their tea cold? because it takes too long to boil boston harbor .,1,en
Where does a digital photographer hang his work? On a jpeg.,1,en
what do you call a comedian who couldn't make it? pun intended .,1,en
serious tweet: help i just put on hand lotion and now i can't get out of this room,0,en
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan. She's a keeper,1,en
What do a loading bar and my girlfriend have in common? Both equally inefficient at letting me know when they are actually ready.,1,en
Mom: Why can't you be successful like your brother? Amazon: heh Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons! Thanksgiving at the Primes,0,en
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If her ankles swell when she farts.,1,en
What has three letters and starts with gas? A car.,1,en
Why did the burger sit beside the telephone? Incase onion rings,1,en
"do you know the difference "" hey , do you know what the difference is between window curtains and toilet paper? "" "" no . "" "" so it was you then ! """,1,en
what does a dog do that a man steps in? pants,1,en
What's the best way to prepare baby food? Shake'n bake.,0,en
What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up? I can't feel my face when I'm with you...,0,en
what kind of bird does not make babies? a swallow,1,en
friend : what's your type? me : in guys or in blood,1,en
What do you call fireworks that don't work? Fireunemployed.,1,en
What do you call really good tea? Qualitea.,1,en
why does heaven have such great wifi? because of all the cloud space .,0,en
Do you know what Taylor Swift's belly button looks like? A Blank Space,0,en
"Interesting jaws plot twist Did you know if you watch jaws backwards, it's about a shark that throws up so many people they have to open a beach? :D",0,en
"what did the chinese man say when winter came around? reddit snow , reddit snow , reddit snow !",0,en
What do you call a baby seal between two slices of bread? A clubbed sandwich,1,en
"jesus loves me, but i told him that i could never date a pool boy .",0,en
"I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance. Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.",0,en
"No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.",1,en
It's the last day of July So fingers crossed the bot will go away,0,en
"what did the cat threedots say to the person? nothing , because cats don't speak .",1,en
What does a bug say when it accidentally breaks its exoskeleton? You gotta be chitin me!,0,en
Why do postmen carry letters? Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves.,1,en
why did god create adam before eve? to give him a chance to say something .,0,en
"we have three types of friends in life: friends for a reason , friends for a season , and friends for a lifetime .",0,en
"parents , forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. teach your kids the difference between their , they're and there",0,en
A Jew asked a Farmer for Work The Farmer replied no we are heating with Wood,1,en
"My son asked me, ""Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?"" I smiled and answered...  ""Swarm.""",1,en
why was red sad? because he was feeling blue,0,en
"Two Pokemon players run right into each other, what does the one say to the other? This is Onixceptable.",0,en
What do you use to cover a herpetarium floor? Reptiles.,1,en
"What is Rihanna's favorite song? ""I can't feel my face when i'm with you""",1,en
A new class of octopus has been discovered that cooks it's food. It's the only Chefalopod found so far,1,en
"Bugs Bunny goes to the doctors and the doctor sees him on his phone and asks him, ""What are you doing on your phone? "" Bugs Bunny replies, ""Eh, Whatsapp Doc.""",0,en
The most explosive NBA guards: Russell Westbrook Derrick Rose Kobe Bryant...,1,en
my email password has been hacked. that's the third time i've had to rename the cat,0,en
what's the difference between a pair of jeans and an ethiopian? a pair of jeans only has one fly on it,1,en
That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!,0,en
What's the difference between a Pokeman and a Pokewoman? Pokeballs,0,en
What do you call a team of children in wheelchairs An easy game for Kanye West,1,en
Did you hear about the professor that got in a horrible wreck? He was grading papers on a curve.,1,en
What does the barcode on the packing of a huawei smartphone mean? It's a family picture of the producers.,1,en
What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living? A bad gambler,1,en
What's funnier than the plague? This week? Just about anything.,0,en
What do you call a unmodified wheelchair? Vegetable stock.,1,en
What do you call a pinata at an emo kids birthday party? The birthday boy,1,en
"i asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well",1,en
i deleted my facebook account. could one of you tell them it's raining and cold here ?,0,en
Can hamsters fly? Well only if their in the hair force,1,en
"I don't believe in soul mates, unless we're talking about two Australian friends listening to Aretha Franklin.",1,en
I thought yesterday was going to be pretty boring. But it sure started off with a bang,0,en
I have a joke about my lack of experience in ore extraction. You probably won't like it... Never mined.,1,en
"I went to the races yesterday. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip",1,en
i like my upvotes like i like my women. threedots one at a time and not very often,0,en
What do Madeline McCann and lord of the rings have in common Both rings where destroyed in the end ,1,en
Babies don't have kneecaps... Atleast not when I'm done with them.,0,en
I've heard that you should always be skeptical. but I have my doubts,1,en
I didnt go to school today. I guess they can live one day longer.,0,en
What's the hardest thing about being an audiophile? Convincing the sound to get into your van.,1,en
Why did the boy think you hit menopause when you graduated high school? Because it was the end of all your periods.,1,en
what did the mathematician and the dentist talk about? calculus,1,en
Q: What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? A: His and Hearse.,0,en
"when i meet a celebrity i like to bring a ceiling fan with me so i can be all "" nice to meet you. big fan """,1,en
what was Joan of Arc's hidden talent? She could really cook.,0,en
"Why is quantum mechanics is the original ""original hipster""? It described the universe before it was cool.",1,en
"Women are a lot like cars. You rarely get a brand spanking new one, and as soon as you've been in it once. It loses more than half its value.",1,en
"maybe raccoons aren't really digging through trash for food, maybe they're just looking for something to remove their eye shadow .",1,en
My father was from Iceland and my mother was from Cuba. I'm an Ice Cube,1,en
I'm just like every other man. I do my taxes one leg at a time,1,en
"what did the dyslexic traveller say when he arrived at an unknown station? whoops , wrong sub .",1,en
I just found out that my geology professor passed away. my sediments go out to his family,1,en
am i a good person ? no. but do i try to be better every single day ? also no,0,en
I was going to make a joke. But I fainted,0,en
I was told I needed to do some soul searching. so I Googled James Brown,0,en
What did the pianist do when someone smashed his piano? He played many more pieces.,1,en
Where do pencils come from? Pennsylvania,1,en
"what did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand? "" you always think you're right ! """,1,en
Whats the difference between my children and a level in a video game? The level doesn't scream for help when I beat it.,0,en
"if winning isn't everything, why do we keep score ?",1,en
"How much rest does a bad Sheppard get? Not a ton, he has a lot of sheepless nights.",1,en
why was the mother flea so unhappy? all her children had gone to the dogs .,0,en
What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite? Funicula,1,en
"i fed the pigs at my farm their food, i guess i could say they went ham",1,en
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have no switched to mint Oreos,1,en
Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.,0,en
I released my mixtape in Paris They played it at the Notre Dame Cathedral and it was fire.,1,en
the definition of autism is drawing Sonic over and over again while expecting different results,1,en
"What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room? An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.",0,en
What does a owl say when it stumps it foot? OOOOOWWWWLLLL....,1,en
"You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop. I've that",1,en
Why is it not called White Friday? Because then everything would be double the price!,0,en
"i was sitting at my desk, trying to think of a double entendre threedots threedots but it got really hard .",0,en
What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints? You want flies with that,1,en
"i went to a blind tasting session the other day threedots it was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see .",0,en
have you heard of the object without mass? it doesn't matter,1,en
why did the red sea not find a good husband? because she was too shallow .,1,en
what famous movie did the hamburger meat think of when they took it out of the freezer? they fry who cam in from the cold !,1,en
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine,1,en
"this house is not going to clean itself. apparently , i'm not either",1,en
What do you call disabled children? Names.,1,en
Durex have produced a new latex doll for woman. It's called Rubber Jonny,1,en
What do you find between Godzilla's toes? Slow runners.,1,en
"my ex was like a computer game. started off easy , got a little harder and eventually i ended up cheating",1,en
Why was Noah a great businessman? He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.,1,en
what's the difference between super man and spider man? super man wears his underwear over his pants threedots,0,en
My Chinese friend died recently Su Yung.,0,en
Do you know what matter to me? my nihilism,1,en
"In a recent interview, Heather Mills was asked why she thought Paul McCartney was still famous. She said she was stumped",1,en
What's every spider's dream job? A web designer.,0,en
"How did the Jamaican meteorologist report the risk of flash flooding? ""Mon, soon.""",1,en
"Know Thyself, said Jesus. in the biblical sense. Merry Christmas.",0,en
"nobody's perfect ! q : what did the verb say when the words have , has , and had were removed from the english language? a : "" nobody's perfect ! """,0,en
"I'm a sailor There's this new girl conductor at the pier we pulled in yesterday. I wanted to ask her out, but she kept sending mixed signals.",0,en
Who do you call a really thin dinosaur? Tyranosaurus Annorex,1,en
What do you call a Maxican migdet? A paragraph because their not a full ese,1,en
"i decided to be depressed today, just for fun .",0,en
"why do people walk by and say "" hi , how are you? "" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply !",0,en
i turned i turned off the lights,0,en
what do you call a hand job from stephen hawking? a stroke of genius .,1,en
"i just got home and found someone had stolen my bed! i walked in and it was gone . honestly , i'm not lying",0,en
funny clean jokes i need some funny clean jokes for my speech class threedots anyone have any? they have to be clean,0,en
Why the musician sold his computer. It was baroque,1,en
What did they say about the burger who went skiing for the first time? How the meaty have fallen!,0,en
what do an anorexic person and sonic the hedgehog have in common? they both gotta go fast .,0,en
what's the opposite of effort? f it .,0,en
A PC is like people The most valuable things are inside,1,en
"Joke of The Day Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.",1,en
"an eye for an eye , a tooth for a tooth. but a tooth is worth half an eye , so an eye for two teeth also works , if you're out of eyes",1,en
"when you find it hard to keep a girl, find a girl that keeps it hard .",0,en
q : how do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding? a : everyone is sitting on the same side of the church .,0,en
Adults usually don't get Scholl shooting jokes. Looks like those are aimed at the younger audience,1,en
We've got a Polish sound guy Cheque one too,1,en
"When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.",0,en
"Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.",1,en
Where does a cow go when he is so upset he doesn't feel like talking? A moo'd specialist.,1,en
"note for santa dear santa, please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body . please don't mix those two up like you did last year . thanks .",0,en
How do you call Anakin Skywalker's padawan after getting tased by enemy? A shocked Tano.,1,en
What do you call a rich maid? A Housewive. ,1,en
What kind of grass do cows like most? It's a moot point!,1,en
"honesty is the best policy, but i also recommend a lot of life insurance .",1,en
"I must say that whenever i taked to depressed people, they had iWatches, their wrists are really the place for cutting edge technology.",1,en
"One time I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any openings",1,en
Have you seen the new clear plastic bikinis? They're worth looking into.,0,en
Who's the poorest person in West Virginia? The Tooth Fairy.,0,en
What do you call a bearded gardener? Hairy Potter,1,en
where do onions fight? in the onion ring !,0,en
You know you have a good relationship when: Your kids attend your wedding,0,en
dating must've been so easy for cavemen . this my cave . this my fire . you like rock? i have many .,0,en
How does a Chinese cat say hello? Mi Hao.,1,en
"uh oh sombody posted a sad facebok status. i beter like it to show i care but also coment a sad face emoji to show i dont literaly ""like"" it",0,en
My friend just launched the second hubble into space. A hubble bubble,0,en
"""It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. "" But it takes much longer to get to England on a rowboat",0,en
"In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.",1,en
"today i ended a long term relationship. i don't really care though , it wasn't mine",1,en
"If Santa isn't real, Who is the old man who touches me at night",0,en
"Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.",1,en
what's the difference between a man and e.t .? e.t . phoned home .,0,en
How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!,0,en
What do you get when you combined a baseball player with a metal alloy? A steel,1,en
"Coworker: Man, it's brutally cold outside! Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.",0,en
Stephen Hawking Died The vegetables had to expire some day,0,en
Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.,1,en
What is the best time to watch Predator? Anytiiiiiiiiiime,0,en
"did you guys hear adele might have cancer? it's not confirmed , but tumor has it",1,en
"talking on your cell during church isn't good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you've got the spirit .",1,en
What do you call an incognito deer? An anonymoose,1,en
"People have underestimated me my entire life, and they've been wrong on like two of those days.",1,en
What happens if we report the automod? Does this work someone try it out.,1,en
what did the hungry whale do? he bit the tail off a submarine and sucked out all the seamen .,1,en
Why was delta afraid of zeta? Because zeta eta theta and is only epsilon away from delta.,1,en
"Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession",1,en
How do you get a mouse to smile You say Cheese!,0,en
"For you Atlanta Ga folks Welcome to Decatur, where the men are men and so are the women. Welcome to Midtown, where the women are women and so are the men",0,en
Why are Omegle and Chatroulette great dating sites? Because they have plenty of members.,1,en
How do you spell socks in Spanish? Eso si que es.,1,en
"""What are you doing here? "" I just got fired from the circus ""Oh my"" Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond",1,en
i just watched a boring documentary on how to build a time machine. that's an hour of my life i'll probably get back,1,en
i was going to tell you a joke about hipsters. but you probably wouldn't understand,1,en
What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.,1,en
What did the koalas say after getting in a fender bender? Eucalyptus.,1,en
"There are people out there who don't know what World of Warcraft and League of Legends are WoW, LoL",0,en
It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen,0,en
Why are samurai easily defeated? There's a chink in the armor.,1,en
"people who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers . did you know that? yes , i did know that .",1,en
why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on halloween? it was for ' tick or tweet ' !,0,en
I went to an 'Army Style training day'. I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate,1,en
What's an equine's favorite car brand? Horsche. ,0,en
Why did the architect take so long to get started on his church blueprints? He couldn't decide what font to use.,1,en
Neil never had a girlfriend. So Neil Armstrong,0,en
What could possibly make moviegoers forget about Will Smith's movie After Earth? A Concussion.,0,en
When was pasta introduced to the Middle East? when someone fed a genie alfredo,1,en
My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up. So I just packed my bags and right,1,en
"Now I know why they call her ""head nurse"" It's because she is in charge of the other nurses. not what I was hoping for",1,en
What do you call a Sith lord who refuses to fight? A sithy.,1,en
a really hot girl was checking me out today. then i paid her for the groceries and left the store,1,en
I was listening to juice world in the car  The car broke and juice world died on my a second time,0,en
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.,1,en
"no matter how many times i call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby .",1,en
What is the best thing about beastieality? Instead of a messy breakup you can have a nice dinner. ,1,en
Bonding moment First time I bonded with my son was when I was fisting my girlfriend and ended up fistbumping with the fetus.,0,en
Whats white blue and rectangular? A fridge with a denim jacket on.,0,en
Why does America face from shortage of manpower? The children cannot escape the school shooter.,1,en
"Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?",1,en
""" i'm liking where this is going "" i said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face .",0,en
why are sandwiches better in space? they are always a bit meteor !,0,en
I stayed up all night. Trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia,1,en
What instrument do skeletons play? A trombone!,1,en
Why are measles and my ex the same?  They both took the kids,0,en
"What did Wonder Woman tell The Flash when he saw that he was greying? ""I still find you dashing""",1,en
"I'm confused. square box, round pizza but triangle slices",0,en
Why do plants hate math? ... Because it gives them square roots,1,en
There was a devastating fire in my shoe shop. So many lost Soles,0,en
"How are children like cell phones? If you lose one, and haven't found it in a few days, chances are it's dead",1,en
"they named it galaxy note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire galaxy can note that it's been taken out .",1,en
Why does your pitbull dislike the selfie with your Iphone? Cuz he prefers Kodak,0,en
"a zen student asked his master : "" is it okay to use email? "" "" yes "" , replied the master , "" but with no attachments . """,1,en
"i was playing chess with my friend when he said "" let's make things interesting "", so we stopped playing chess .",1,en
What kind of shoes do spies wear? Sneakers.,1,en
What did the baby want for Christmas? A plastic simulacrum of itself.,0,en
What did the solar panel say to the soul man SOUL POWER,1,en
Guess who opened for Justin Bieber. The teenage girls,0,en
What does a midwestern farmer and a rapper have in common? They both want to make it rain.,1,en
what did the green grape say to the purple grape? breathe,0,en
Whats reddits favorite tv show? The OC.,0,en
If you are a woman and you like men that wear glasses. I am full of specs appeal,1,en
Why are men like paper cups? They're disposable,1,en
What type of rock is this Holmes? It's sedimentary my dear Watson!,0,en
What does a gamer call the zombie apocalypse? The end of DayZ,0,en
q : where do fleas go to surf? a : to the microwave .,0,en
"so is walmart a verb now? as in , "" i'm out of clean underwear , so i'm going to have to walmart it today . """,1,en
The woodworking test had us attach two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it!,1,en
Have you seen www.square.com? No I haven't got around to it.,0,en
What follows summer break? Open season.,1,en
"dear math, grow up and solve your own problems .",0,en
I wish there was a new post for me to lock... I guide others to a treasure I cannot possess.,0,en
did you hear about the pizza chef with no drivers license? he could dish it out but he couldn't take it .,1,en
The movie spoiler you won't be able to avoid this Xmas! It turns out Alvin is Theodore's FATHER,0,en
"Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.",1,en
They say practice makes perfect... Madeline Mcann must be a GOD at hide and seek,0,en
what do you call an animal that doesn't matter? irrelephant .,1,en
Why is nostalgia like grammar? We find the present tense and the past perfect.,1,en
How to capitalize on a bad situation. ON A BAD SITUATION,0,en
Whats the best part of working in a crematorium? You get to warm up the body first,1,en
What does Robin Williams and the American flag have in common? They both don't like touching the ground.,1,en
what do you call an elephant that no one needs? irrelephant .,1,en
What do you call a penny floating upwards? A cent...,1,en
"When I was a kid I wanted to become a pirate, and sail the open seas. But instead, I just ended up downloading a lot of movies",1,en
What do you call a constable who is good at music? Copper.,1,en
What kind of dance does your mother do? The MOMbo.,0,en
what did the bean say to the other bean? how have you been,1,en
My friend gave me a balloon and told me not to pop it. but I blew it,0,en
What's something that you can catch but not throw? feelings. T.T,0,en
What do they call Miley Cyrus in France? Kilometrey Cyrus.,1,en
"Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!",0,en
how did the astronaut land on the sun? he went at night .,1,en
i went outside without makeup on. a child cried and i think a bird flew into a window on purpose,0,en
What is the wasps' favorite song? Just a Spoonful of Sugar.,0,en
I don't know what Germany's favorite letter is but I can definitely tell you it's. Not C,0,en
"my girlfriend got her period last night while she was sleeping threedots in other news, i have a japanese flag for sale now",0,en
Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.,1,en
"Why is Pharrell Williams happy? Because he ""got lucky"".",1,en
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It's an extremely rare dish order,1,en
"On a perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice? So... Can I come inside",0,en
I love the queen in chess. I always mate with her,1,en
Fire destroys bloodmobile; blood bank trying to B positive about it,1,en
"mickey mouse "" doc , my knees hurt ! "" doctor : which knee? mickey : disney",0,en
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.,1,en
"They say we should avoid going to any parties, but they also say Objects are not at risk So going to a bachelorette party should be okay right?",1,en
"OC one liner Halfway through my third suicide note, I began to question where I failed as a writer...",0,en
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it's because I look authoritative not because I look like I'm wearing a mask,1,en
these hospital bills are killing me! i'm starting to think buying a hospital wasn't such a good idea .,1,en
What is the turle's least favorite fruit Strawberry,0,en
"i had an imaginary girlfriend for a few years , but she ended up leaving me for my best friend. he had a bigger imagination than i did",1,en
What did the chicken do Lay egg,1,en
What is a dental hygienist's favorite subject? Flossophy.,0,en
what's the difference between chris brown and a tesla? the tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year .,1,en
"Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my knees and lean forward. because that's how I roll",1,en
What do you call an epileptic in a lawn chair? Transformer.,1,en
"kanye west is now on twitter. since he doesn't follow anyone , not only will he not let you finish , he's not gonna let you start , either",0,en
"General Tso's Curse: You have every intention of trying something new, but you just can't order anything else.",1,en
What's the best part of an asynchronous dog? It's non barking! Hopefully some software people get this one,0,en
"Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.",1,en
one of the girls in the office where i work is going to be having a baby. i just haven't decided which one yet,0,en
What do you call Kurt Russel playing an archaeologist? Kurt Fossil,1,en
I'm writing a book about introverts. It's not coming out any time soon,1,en
"Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don't say 'Alexa'? Alexa: No, I only listen when you say 'Alexa'. M: Thanks A: Welcome M: Hey!",0,en
"A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport. The immigration office asks: 'Occupation? ''. The german responds: 'No, just holiday''",1,en
The flower had an unexpected pregnancy. So it went to Plant Parenthood,1,en
What do bulls do for fun? Play with others.,1,en
Superman and Eyore had a baby. The baby's name? Supereyore,0,en
my son can't handle going to camp this year. it's in tents,1,en
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? When your writing becomes visible.,1,en
This week in Science: MRI technology and thought processing. are a hell of a lot cooler than last week,0,en
"i didn't send christmas cards this year , what with the economy and all. mostly i'm just lazy , but blaming the economy is so much more fun",1,en
"I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.",1,en
why did the boy jump up and down on the letter? he heard that you have to stamp letters or the post office won't send them .,0,en
what does a psychologist wear to bed? a freudian slip .,1,en
"What do you have if you have one fuzzy, green ball in one hand and another fuzzy, green ball in the other hand? Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.",0,en
Did you recover from your operation? Not yet. The doctor says I still have two more payments.,1,en
"How long does it take for a baby to explode in the microwave? Idk, I always keep my eyes closed while masterbating",0,en
how can you tell if lunch meat is from west virginia? it's in bread,1,en
"I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied... ""No, they have to stay on the walls.""",0,en
"Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.",0,en
"a blonde walks into a doctor's office and says , doc , i'm horribly sick ! the doctor looks at her and asks , flu? no , i drove here .",1,en
"what happened when a man fell in love with a grand piano? he said "" darling you've got lovely teeth . """,1,en
What did the german kid say when he walked into the candy store? Awww Sweets!,0,en
Kobe is always setting records Now there a new KOBE! for the masses to complete.,1,en
"why would anyone come on twitter just to argue? don't you have an ex , or a spouse , or a family member that you can argue with",0,en
getting hit by a sound wave a couple of times won't affect you. increase the frequency however threedots and it hertz,0,en
"If I text ""HAITI"" to American Idol, will they send the contestants there?",0,en
What did the gardener say to the man in the grass shoes? WATER THOOOOSE,0,en
They say that there are rising levels of LGBT population in Spain. There's not a day goes by that a Deigo's Bi,1,en
I miss you. then I eat something and it goes away,0,en
"What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal? Welp, seal ate her.",0,en
"As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince. It's my husband's dream now",0,en
My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today. She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert,0,en
"Do they have any car wash in Albania? Yes. They call it ""rain""",1,en
"I heard that ' Call of Duty' has a different name in the Middle East. They call it ""The Sims""",1,en
What's the difference between Darth Vader and Tom Brady? Darth Vader probably gets high fived,0,en
what did the disabled transformer say? Auto Mods roll out.,1,en
"When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going",1,en
What's up? Death rates of unvaccinated kids.,0,en
What is the most crucial element of Oology? Eggsact measurements.,1,en
"dude on tv just said , "" where there's fat , there's flavor. "" he was talking about food , but i took it as a compliment",1,en
why did moses see a burning bush as god ? because god planned on giving him his first tablets then. the mistake ? they were samsung galaxy note tablets,1,en
What did the Spanish boy leaving for the city say to his father? Ciudad!,0,en
"I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it",0,en
"How many rocks did Hank Schrader have in his collection by the end of Breaking Bad? None, they were all minerals.",1,en
"In which month is the NYC fashion week? Fabruary, of course.",1,en
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down!,0,en
"Our son asked me if we thought about aborting him before he was born. 'It didn't stop there,' I assured him.",1,en
"What building is the heaviest? The church, because it has the most mass.",1,en
When adding number in your head. It's really the thought that counts,1,en
"What were jesus last words? More nails, i slip down",0,en
"If beans are the musical fruit, then cauliflower is the quiet kid with no obvious ambitions and a strange odor.",1,en
"What did Justin Bieber's biggest fan say to him when they met? nothing, hes a fan.",0,en
what do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist? a marine biologist .,1,en
did you hear about the detective who failed geometry? he could never get an angle .,1,en
You know what I call a tube that comes with a caulk? A caulk block.,1,en
"We can all agree on something The auto bot that removes acoment if it not about women history, isnthe biggest simp of them all.",0,en
how is a computer like an air conditioner? they both stop working properly when you open windows .,0,en
"""Are you coming over? "" ""Yes, I'm coming over."" ""We should probably stop talking using the radios, over.""",1,en
teacher : why do you want to work in a bank alan? fred : ' cuz there's money in it sir .,0,en
I like my beef how I like my misbehaving teenagers. Grounded,0,en
How can you beat Minecraft without owning the game? Name ur kid Minecraft,0,en
apple fitness products don't work. i tried the ihop and it only made me gain weight,1,en
Aside from dying withing the same week what else did Steve Irwin and Peter Brock have in common? Their last moments were spent in wild fishtails.,1,en
Went to a carnival but the Tunnel of Love was broken They hung up a sign that said Out of Ardor ,0,en
""" happy monday, "" said the facebook status of the girl with no grasp of reality .",0,en
Why was being a soprano a requirement to becoming a pirate? It made it easier to deal with high C's,1,en
"wrote santa a letter asking for a baby brother wrote santa a letter asking for a baby brother. santa wrote back threedots "" send me your mother """,0,en
"muhammad ali was apparently bad in bed , says his widow. then again , he was a fighter , not a lover",1,en
"""Any idea how to make a lasagne, Barry? "" ""Not a clue mate, but I Bechemal would know""",0,en
My aunt's teeth are like stars They're perfectly white Oh so bright And they come out at night,0,en
what's the exchange rate for pigs and trees? a porcupine .,1,en
Cop: You get one phone call Me: Can I have a text instead? None of my friends answer unknown numbers,1,en
Why are posts locked? Because the mods want to share the feeling of being in a closet.,1,en
"""I can't eat all of that! "" ... and other lies I tell",1,en
"dear sharks: you may get your own week on tv , but house cats get their own eternity on the internet .",0,en
What is it called when you ride around on a horse asking people questions? A gallop poll.,1,en
"What's the difference between a glutton and a hungry man? One eats too long, the other longs to eat.",1,en
"whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, i'm going to need those back .",1,en
wanna hear a joke? western feminism .,0,en
What form of radiation bakes you cookies? A gramma ray,0,en
I hate autocorrect. It always makes me say things I don't Nintendo,1,en
What is a firefighter's favorite video game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U HINT: Say it outloud,0,en
"person : i like your name. me : thanks , i got it for my birthday",0,en
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away? It was under madness,1,en
Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years? A: Somebody dropped a shekel.,0,en
Did you hear about the jeans manufacturing company that changed their product to pants made from one piece of fabric? They made a seamless transition.,1,en
"What do you call a meeting exclusively attended by pine, juniper and fir trees? A coniference.",1,en
Which GoT character has the most handles? King of the Andals.,1,en
I'm German and my girlfriend is Polish For her birthday I gave her a dutch oven,1,en
"God Answers paralysed child's prayers. ""No"", says God.",1,en
what did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out? the dentist .,1,en
why did man invent curling? to convince women sweeping was a sport .,1,en
"q : what did the fisherman say to the card magician? a : pick a cod , any cod !",0,en
which elf likes to click pictures? selfie,0,en
"i love my women like i love my ikea furniture, cheap and missing a couple screws",0,en
What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.,1,en
"If the saying,""You are what you eat,"" is true... Then why do I not look like a child yet? Am I doing it wrong?",1,en
"duh there are three types of people in this world. those who can add up , and those who can't",0,en
What kind of tree barks? A dogwood!!,0,en
Jokes about eyes... ...are getting cornea and cornea,1,en
anybody heard the joke about the wall? threedots can't tell you anyway because you wouldn't get over it .,1,en
What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy? A jolly rancher.,0,en
Why do hipsters only use the microwave? Because they don't like conventional ovens.,1,en
my mind works like lightning. one brilliant flash and it's gone,0,en
Want to hear a dry joke? Houston. Oh wait lol,0,en
Did you hear they removed the essay portion from the SAT? Now it's just called the T,1,en
Why was lil' Wayne tired after programming? He did too much coding.,0,en
What's worse than fighting an uphill battle? Getting to the top and realizing it's all downhill from there.,0,en
what type of truck takes a very long time to reach its destination? a log n truck .,0,en
"What did the Japanese General say to his kamikaze trainee? Despite what everyone tells you, you'll never learn from your mistakes.",1,en
"the best way to get the right answer on the internet is not to ask a question, its to post the wrong answer .",1,en
"On Halloween, how do skeletons call their friends? With their iBone.",1,en
What's the most polite meal? Peas and franks.,1,en
What do you get when you subtract the date and time that Tony Stark built an AI from the current date and time? The Age Of Ultron.,0,en
making cookies? be sure to save some of the dough so you can start gorging while they're baking,0,en
customer : that crust on the apple pie was too tough. waiter : that wasn't the crust that was the pie plate,1,en
Why does Puff Daddy have nice hair? Because Sean Combs.,1,en
"i have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges threedots i think i must have carpool tunnel syndrome .",0,en
Pickling cucumbers isn't easy. I hear its cumbersome,1,en
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? An ironing board's legs are hard to open.,1,en
What do you call it when a person falls ill from watching too many BBC period dramas? Downton Syndrome,1,en
what is the difference between spiderman and superman? peter parker can swing a web . clark kent .,0,en
what's the most dangerous thing in your freezer? ice is .,0,en
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.,1,en
"what did the square say to the root? "" radical """,1,en
What do you call baby dumps? Dumplings.,1,en
"What did the wind turbine say to Justin Beiber? Justin, I'm a big fan. wheyyyyyyyyyyyy",0,en
"Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight.",1,en
What is it a volcano has which gives him trouble erupting? Eruptile dysfunction.,1,en
"can a match box? no , but a tin can !",0,en
house for sale. spider on ceiling,0,en
What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat? Uncle Bens rice.,0,en
What do you call a deteriorating car? A Carrot!,1,en
what is love ? the energy of life. what is marriage ? the energy bill threedots,0,en
"Whats Owen Wilsons Favorite Video Game? ""Wow""",0,en
"How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep Pan, crisp and even!!",0,en
Tom got a backache from working as a seer. He's got the hunch,1,en
"most mathematicians don't realize , there's an easy way to round pi. just add an "" e """,1,en
What do you get if you cross a moth with a firefly? An insect that can find its way around a dark closet.,1,en
"I went on a date with a server... It went down on the first date. Not sure if repost, just a really funny joke I just heard.",0,en
"a new study shows dolphins have great memory. memories include "" swam in water "" and "" ate """,1,en
What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution? The execution,1,en
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? pumpkin pi,1,en
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by. Guess he was trying to figure out who's day he wanted to ruin,0,en
What does religion and Ikea have in common? The stuff they have looks good but its impossible to put together. huehue,0,en
How do you greet an overweight Micronesian when you're trying to sound cool? Microsoft Word.,1,en
My grandpa turned off my PC So I turned off his life support,0,en
what do you get if cross a frog with some mist? kermit the fog !,0,en
Had a fight with a one dimensional entity yesterday. The outcome was pretty one sided,0,en
PSA: Always be careful around muesli. My friend drowned in muesli once. He was pulled in by a strong currant.,0,en
what is the difference between a polar bear and the world series? one has cubs,1,en
caller : operator ! operator ! call me an ambulance ! operator : okay. you're an ambulance !,0,en
why do men like love at first sight? it saves them a lot of time .,1,en
"If you smell burnt toast, you may be having a stroke. But if you also smell bacon then you're probably having breakfast",1,en
Why did the artist go to the bakery? For shortening!,0,en
How do you juice an orange? Play with its citorus,1,en
"a group of protesters are in front of a physics lab "" what do we want ? "" "" time travel! "" "" when do we want it ? "" "" irrelevant . """,1,en
What console does god use? Praystation,1,en
"Her: Oh, you brought me flowers! Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard...",0,en
What's the hardest part about going to a funeral? Keeping your pants on.,1,en
I'm like a kid in a candy store. I can't afford anything,1,en
"i named my house "" shape "", now i'm always in shape .",1,en
Where would a girl with one leg work at? She would work at IHOP.,1,en
if both kids are screaming threedots threedots both kids are alive. it's science,0,en
""" age is just a number . "" "" yeah? jail is just a room . """,0,en
why did the pasta get in trouble? because he was stroganoff !,0,en
"Nintendo should come out with a sequel to X and Y. It'll be called ""The Extra Chromosome""",1,en
Why did the dog eat the salad? For ruffage.,1,en
I used to live in Oklahoma. It was OK,0,en
"When someone gets playfully thrown into a swimming pool on TV, all I can do is worry if they have their cell phone in their pocket.",1,en
What is an Ewoks favorite hotel accommodation? An Endor Pool!,0,en
What instrument does Mother Earth play? The Qatar.,1,en
What is good for babies? Pulling out ,0,en
do it tomorrow. you have made enough mistakes for today,0,en
why didn't princess diana have very many friends on xbox live? all she does is stay on the dashboard .,0,en
How does the pig farmer get to the fair? He rides piggyback.,1,en
her heart wont do it anymore but im telling you nothing beats a job at the morgue,0,en
I have a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution,1,en
What do you call a can after it completes college? A graduated cylinder.,1,en
What do you call a wizard who loves being on busy trams? Harry Frotteur,1,en
How can Noobies become a God in game? ... Anubis,0,en
"are you sitting down? i don't have anything to tell you , i'm just curious .",0,en
What is the most breathless thing on television? The Pink Panter Show !,0,en
what's the difference between three small children and a fleshlight ones warmer,0,en
"tolkien once wrote a novel set in an office threedots it's titled, "" and my fax "" .",1,en
what do you get if you cross a telephone with a fat football player? a wide receiver .,1,en
Q: What do pelicans eat? A: Anything that fits the bill.,0,en
"I'm at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.",1,en
why don't mathematicians build bridges? because they'll never be perfect .,1,en
I don't know what you guys think about Michael Jackson. and these blackmail allegations but I'm pretty sure he used to be one,1,en
What's a redditor's favorite form of math? substitution,0,en
"Joke from my daughter. What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato? HULK'S MASH! no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle",0,en
I have a new word for vibrator. selfie stick,0,en
what's the difference between kim kardashian and a colored wash? whites occasionally get inside a colored wash .,1,en
I thought I pocket dialed you. But it was just a clothes call,0,en
"When I was a kid, I thought being a veterinarian was the best job in the world But then I learned that they do more than put down cats all day",1,en
"What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Pinocchio? Some day, Pinocchio's going to be a real boy.",0,en
What is the similarity between reverse bias in diodes and a little girl? They both give up after a little bit of effort,1,en
I was reading a book on animal. Thats when i saw all the rampages,0,en
I shadowed an opthamolologic surgeon today. The experience was really eye opening,1,en
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm !,0,en
What did Anakin say when the princess asked for his credit card? Naboo,0,en
"This joke is inoffensive And yet I bet the mods will lock it for being ""too controversial""",1,en
Why did the billionaire philanthropist spend his fortune bringing butter production to developing countries? Some men just want to see the world churn.,1,en
what's the best cure to a bad hangover? a good personality,1,en
What do you call a zombie Storm Trooper? An Imperial Walker,1,en
"angry birds for olympics: instead of hitting two birds with one stone , here you can hit two stones with one bird .",0,en
"For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave",0,en
How do you get drunk from a glass of water? Land in it when they're not looking,1,en
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.,1,en
"the joke is on you , fruit flies. we don't even have any fruit",1,en
why did the fish fall off it's bike? it's a fish .,0,en
can i tell you a joke about the wall? nevermind you'll never get over it .,0,en
I've got A major in engineering and a minor in the trunk.,1,en
i climbed on a tree with a suitcase. my aim is to become a branch manager,1,en
"To be honest, spoons have many applications It makes feeding my daughter a lot easier once she starts crying in my bedroom",1,en
"If you combined all the female rap artists, what would you get? Nicki Melange",0,en
What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!,1,en
"For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch. I don't know what to make of it",1,en
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up. Britches love stitches,0,en
"i don't know how you women do it. every time i try to "" sleep my way to the top "" i get woken up and sent to hr",1,en
What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses !,0,en
reddit has taught me this in case i ever have a daughter. never ever get a full size mirror installed in her bathroom,0,en
I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems,0,en
"Some people just have a way with words, and other people ... oh ... not have way.",0,en
My biologist girlfriend was making competent cells at the lab today. I asked if they were very sure of them cells,1,en
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels.,1,en
"i never got why nice guys don't get all the girls threedots i mean they do finish last, i thought girls liked that .",0,en
I found a pot of gold today. Au yeah,0,en
"you're in love? cool , i'm in sweatpants .",0,en
Ever heard of the comedian who died gasping for air after his routine? He joked to death.,1,en
What's bigfoot's favorite food? Sasquash!,0,en
Whats's Glenn's favourite restaurant? Popeyes,0,en
"What's the difference between a line of naked women and a magician? Well, the magician has a cunning array of stunts...",1,en
Whats the German version of silent night? Kristall nacht,0,en
"wife : every time we argue , you think you're right. me : yes , because if i thought you were right , i wouldn't be arguing threedots",0,en
"i'm so proud of my self , i decided i'm going to stop procrastinating and do something with my life! starting tomorrow threedots",0,en
"what does a boy get every month , but a girl doesn't. a paycheck",0,en
My son asked me what it's like to be married. So I took his iPod and deleted all of his songs except for one,1,en
what did the finger say to the thumb? i'm in glove with you .,1,en
What movie should Kevin Spacey Star In Next? Predator.....,0,en
"So, I decided to give Reddit a try. It has its ups and downs",0,en
"what does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "" why "" over and over? "" because i saw so . """,1,en
why did the computer get a virus? he wasn't using protection .,1,en
"The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim. The Empire Strikes Back, they call it",1,en
"If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.",0,en
"I get a little bit nostalgic when I go to the dentist... Just like in catholic school, they ask me to open wide and I shed a tear or two.",1,en
I was so worried that my girlfriend was going to fall down the stairs this morning. But she started her period. That was a close one.,0,en
diner : waiter please close the window . waiter : why is there a draft? diner : yes it's blown my steak off the plate three times .,1,en
"the last thing i remember was my mom telling me to "" take care "". i did , and now liam neeson is chasing me",1,en
What's a Brit's favorite baked good? cake.,0,en
"before chris brown did a concert with them , they were just known as "" the peas "". and now they are the threedots peas",1,en
What do you call a postmodernist ravioli? An intellectual impasta'.,1,en
the best way to make people remember you? borrow money from them,1,en
"how amazing is it that nobody in the same kingdom as cinderella , had the same sized feet as her? she should play the lottery too !",0,en
why didn't the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out? threedots nobody gave a shirt .,0,en
What kind of fish has two knees? A tunee fish.,0,en
"people say they're ""over the moon"" when they're happy, but it's a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over",1,en
"There are two things that are always down, no matter what: A vote and a syndrome.",1,en
A spaghetti joke What did one spaghetti noodle say to his friend right before he left for vacation? Pasta la vista!,0,en
"I went to a female Arab boxing match last night. It was pretty boring, all they threw were high jabs",1,en
TBS is going to air CS:GO next year. What should TNT host? League of Legends. Because they know drama.,1,en
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A Dinosnore! PS: Caillou is the BEST show ever.,0,en
how do canadians say milky way? milky eh threedots get it,1,en
""" making decisions "" teacher : do you have trouble making decisions? . student : well threedots yes and no .",1,en
i just sneezed while eating a salad and the button popped off my jeans which proves my theory: nothing good can ever come from eating salad,1,en
i went to the hairdresser and she asked how i'd like my hair cut. in silence,1,en
"on the other hand, you have different fingers .",1,en
why did the farmer use a steam roller? he wanted to grow mashed potatoes .,1,en
Thousands of bird droppings are found on a playground. Police suspect fowl play,1,en
Did you hear that they upgraded the lighting system on the Goodyear blimp? Now they call it the LED zeppelin.,1,en
"Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other's sentinels.",1,en
You know what they say about big hands. Big clock,0,en
"Why God impregnated Mary? Because instead of ""Oh Joseph! Cum in me!"", Mary said ""Oh God! Cum in me!""",1,en
"it's never too late to follow your dreams. unless your dream is to be a child actor , in which case yes , it's too late",1,en
"Before I had kids I never really reflected on life's little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?",1,en
what's white and ten inches long? nothing .,0,en
how long should you microwave fish for? tuna half minutes .,1,en
I proposed my mute girlfriend yesterday. She couldn't say no.,0,en
"Batman's new movie costume has a clock on the utility belt. Personally, I think it's a waist of time",1,en
I am never going to procrastinate again. Starting next semester,0,en
"where does walmart keep the terminator toys? aisle b , back .",0,en
What do you call an oyster who can't find another job? A clamboni driver!,1,en
"My Ex Wife Still Misses me, BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER, HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! You see, it's funny cause marriage is terrible. Edit: Joaige",0,en
"What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet? Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.",1,en
"i was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema staff : "" for the hobbit? "" me . : "" no , she's my friend """,1,en
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.,1,en
What do you give a sick microbe? Primordial soup,1,en
why do females love old gynecologists. because of their shaky fingers,1,en
What do builders use to make websites? Com.crete.,1,en
What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop? The second hand shop.,0,en
Want to hear a joke? Tess Holliday.,0,en
what's the difference between a candle and a curry? a candle only burns at one end .,1,en
"The ATM told me, ""Not enough funds in account,"" when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account",1,en
you know you just can't tell penguin jokes. they just don't fly,0,en
These reversing cameras are great!! Since i got one I haven't looked back.,0,en
"something good is coming my way i can feel it. nothing life changing , probably just a hotdog god please let it be a hotdog",0,en
I lost my gf In the kitchen between the utensils..,0,en
"I found my self at a crossroads and asked myself, ""What would Jesus do?"" So I then ceased to exist",1,en
what did the boy say when he had trouble using glue? i'm stuck .,1,en
The Egyptian man became a bone doctor. They called him a Cairopractor,1,en
"What's big, huge and hairy? A Goliath bird eating tarantula.",1,en
"i like my women how i like my math problems: short , easy , and with no imaginary parts .",1,en
My first post in this sub. Here goes nothing,0,en
"Interesting Factoid: Facebook causes you to overestimate how happy your friends are, and therefore might make you more depressed!",0,en
Why was the smurf's hat blue? Cus it was sad.,0,en
how did christopher columbus find india? he used apple maps .,1,en
a little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake,1,en
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet cleans sinks!,0,en
"' when i go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in ' doctor: i meant is there anything worrying you , physically",0,en
i want a hair cut please. certainly which one !,0,en
What is white with black dots and sings? A cotton plantation,1,en
The most artistic boxer Just watched some Evander Holyfield highlight videos. Such artistry! He's like the Vincent Van Gogh of the boxing world.,1,en
"If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? ""Gandhi."" Why him? ""More food for me.""",1,en
What do you call the German word for Vaseline? Derweinerslider,1,en
why did eve want to move to new york? she fell for the big apple !,0,en
"It's weird how british people say lift instead of elevator. Its like my dad saying ""your a disappointment"" instead of ""I love you""",1,en
"Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it's where all of the other vital organs reside too.",1,en
My office password's been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat,0,en
i'm suffering from bad breath you should do something about it! i did . i just sent my wife to the dentist .,0,en
My antique phone isn't glamorous. But it is a good conversation piece.,1,en
how did the octopus lovers walk down the road? arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm .,0,en
"""I don't think so"", said Rene Descartes Just then he vanished.",0,en
"I figured out Inception, guys. The whole thing was really a movie",1,en
"I don't condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.",1,en
"Everyone else gauges how productive their week is by how little time they had for Twitter too, right?",0,en
What did my wife feel after we had an argument? The back of my hand.,1,en
"We're all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise... And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.",1,en
"listening to your wife is like reading itunes ' user agreement threedots threedots you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it .",0,en
"What happened to Napoleon after he crashed in the Tour de France? Well, I never heard, but that tore Napoleon's bones apart.",1,en
what is santa's favorite type of cookie? ask your dad .,0,en
What is a similarity between Avicii and movie shooting? Both ended with final cuts.,1,en
"Also, to all the people with egg avatars. have you thought about where you'll hide on Easter yet",0,en
what gets bigger everytime i see my wife. my wife,0,en
I lost the birth video of my son so I'm at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I'll just zoom in close so my wife won't be able to tell,1,en
We're decorating the tree with the kids today. But now that they're teens it's harder to find branches that will support their weight,1,en
What do you get when your red ship hits a blue ship? Marooned,0,en
Why I Chose my Internet Provider I chose Cox. At least they are honest about who they are,1,en
What do rocket scientists say about a task that is relatively easy? It's no social skills!,1,en
i was raised by my father. he was a competitive poker player,1,en
someone told me that wearing glasses would make me look smarter. no one told me you had to wear clothes too,1,en
"they say real men hunt their food, which is why i throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart .",1,en
I've hurt my arm in several places. My doctor tells me i'd be better off not going to any of them.,1,en
"After a bad day at work, I like to relax at home by replaying the days events over and over again in my head.",1,en
"incoming projectiles I was walking past a farm and a sign said 'Duck, eggs'. I thought, ""That's an unnecessary comma"" and then it hit me! :D",0,en
"It's not about retweets or followers, it's about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible",0,en
so the asian guy from the human centipede has a twitter account threedots he's not very popular though. he only has two people following him,1,en
what did the skeleton order at the restaurant? spare ribs .,1,en
What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan? A lardvark!,0,en
"In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on",1,en
"in europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter .",1,en
What do you call a French vacation? A retreat.,1,en
"history exam today during history exam , i got a question about the spanish inquisition. i wasn't expecting that",1,en
"Does the carpet match the drapes? Nope, I've got hardwood.",1,en
I'm not Fred Flintstone. But I can make your bedrock,0,en
my girlfriend treats me like a god. she only calls on me when she needs help with something,1,en
my dad should be in the guinness book of world records. i'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk,1,en
did you hear about the pharaoh who refused to believe that his boat was sinking? he was in denial,1,en
A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief. Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed,1,en
Yesterday I bought an expensive but poorly made tie. I think my ascot ripped off,1,en
My N'Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I'd regret for the rest of my life.,1,en
What does a food lover do when they try a new food? They CURIOUSLY MASTERCATE.,1,en
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.,1,en
I gave an orphan a present for Xmas It was a keyboard. There was no homebutton,0,en
What is a dog's favorite camp sport? Woofleball,0,en
"A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine... How do you feel? "" Asks the fluoride ion. ""Positively shell shocked"" the sodium ion replied.",1,en
I have sensitive teeth. And I'm afraid I'll say something that will hurt their fillings,1,en
Madeleine McCann More like Madeleine McCann't,0,en
joke of the day doctor ! you've got to help me ! nobody ever listens to me . no one ever pays any attention to what i have to say . doctor: next please !,0,en
"dear santa, my ex was very naughty this year . but i was very good . so you can just send me all his presents .",0,en
how many feet are in a yard? depends on how many people are standing in it .,1,en
They made a show about disabled people. Its called veggie tales.,1,en
I married a Jewish girl. It was the best career move I ever made,1,en
"just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because i watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious",1,en
one night stand i'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand. i'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed,1,en
why did victoria get fired? i don't know,0,en
"after filling up my gas tank this morning before work, i realized that i didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyways .",1,en
What do you call it when a group of people in a single vehicle travel through a lengthy underpass? Carpool tunnel!,1,en
"ME: Don't you see, the treasure is our friendship PIRATE:. Aye ME: P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn't ya",0,en
some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. i won't try religion for bacon reasons,1,en
Dolphins are the most friendly animals. They even smile when they're dead.,1,en
How do crabs travel cheaply? Pubic transportation,1,en
"In my spare time I like to. Comment the funniest thing, it doesn't have to be true",1,en
what does a rich guy from israel wear? jewelry .,1,en
"Today's assignment: Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them ""Have you seen this person? "" and pull out a picture of yourself",0,en
What do you call a poor classical pianist? Baroque,1,en
"Dear Karma: I don't understand, he hasn't been mauled by a lion yet. XO, Me",0,en
what's brown and sits on a piano bench? beethoven's final movement .,1,en
"I have to say, I prefer audio books to written books I don't know why. I guess they just really speak to me",1,en
"remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? god , it's like we were cavemen .",0,en
My brother lost his job at the rubber factory. but I think he'll bounce back,1,en
"There's been something wrong with my smelling lately. I've asked everyone, but no one ""nose"" the cause",1,en
I love kids But pork tastes better,0,en
"What was Ryu's response when someone asked if they could have his autograph? ""Sure you can!""",0,en
"Got my girlfriend a ""get better soon"" card She's not sick, I just think she could get better",1,en
A girl recently asked me which Beatles song describes her the best. I guess 'She's so heavy' wasn't the best choice,1,en
Fizzy Pop The socially acceptable way to gas juice.,0,en
"Einstein is wrong The rule is ""I before E except after C"", isn't it?",1,en
why do ducks try to avoid eating out? they're always stuck with a bill .,1,en
my daughter teaches me something every day. because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes,1,en
Superb Waiter Our waiter went above and beyond his job description. He brought a lot to the table,1,en
"My wife asked me where I would like to be buried. Apparently, "" Balls deep in your sister "" wasn't the anewer she was expecting",1,en
A photographer shot his subject with a Canon. She was blown away,1,en
What do you call a clan for chickens? Coo clucks clan,1,en
How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer? The power is on and you're connected to the internet.,0,en
"What's small, round, and blue? A cranberry holding its breath.",0,en
"dear kids , those presents were not from santa , they were from your parents. sorry to disappoint",0,en
What do you call breakfast? Breaking fast yooo!,1,en
A man with a lisp studies Jesus' childhood to the point of exhaustion. Then he goes home and Nazareth.,1,en
What do the racehorse that finished in second and Michael Jackson have in common? They both came in a little behind.,1,en
what's better than winning the lottery? winning it the day after your divorce comes through .,0,en
How do you beat chess master? How ever you want but I prefer a belt!,0,en
"At the bakery, I saw a cake that was sculpted like a house and I decided to have it. As I was eating it, I said to myself, ""It tastes just like home.""",1,en
her : i love you. me : i love youtube,0,en
"accounting joke hey guys need a good accounting related joke for work, if anyone has any good ones please share",0,en
My lovelife is like a ferrari. I can't afford it,1,en
my wife's a magician. she can turn anything into an argument,1,en
"there's a knock at my door . jehovah's witness . i decided to let him in . i go , "" now what? "" he says , "" i dunno threedots i never got this far . """,1,en
"Dog: I'm a man's best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me. Pussycat: Yeah, you're not gonna win this one",0,en
What do you call a group of hot moms in space? THE MILFY WAY!,0,en
Q: What do you have when you have a cow and two ducks? A: Milk and quackers.,0,en
"Fero's Law states that if your hands can be wet before you're introduced to someone, they will be.",1,en
How does people with downsyndrom measure strength? With Downforce,1,en
i've had to take a second job working in a bakery. i knead the dough,1,en
I love autumn in California: watching the leaves change color because they're on fire.,0,en
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges,1,en
Murphy's wife told him he should put a pair of clean socks on every day. By Friday he couldn't get his boots on,1,en
reddit users love reading the same thing again and again. here's proof threedots,0,en
I want to make a film about a group of friends dealing with their classmate becoming a pop star. Britney's Peers,1,en
a blind guy was on wheel of fortune. he asked if he can buy an i,1,en
My wife and I switched positions to make our night more exciting last night. so she sat on the couch and I washed dishes,1,en
"I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded ""yeah, and you have the same problem at home""",1,en
what kind of ant is good at maths? an accountant !,1,en
how many nuns were at the library? absolutely nun,1,en
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain,1,en
"I'm romantic so I treat my girlfriend to a candlelight dinner every night, plus she's getting fat and candlelight has like zero calories.",1,en
"Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because without that, what is there to destroy?",0,en
What caused Jews to migrate? The wind,1,en
Did you see the fantastic four? Human torch played by uncle ruckus.,0,en
I think my microwave's broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out,0,en
"What did the Canadian milkman say after accidentally sleeping in? Oh no, I'm lait for work!",0,en
how do you throw an egg at the wall without breaking it? with the chicken still around it,1,en
Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral? He touched a lot of people.,0,en
"Of course, Lil' Wayne isn't his real name. It's Lillian Waynard",0,en
Sometimes a tough situation is best described. As being between Iraq and hard place,1,en
my welsh mate was found dead yesterday. he died the way he would have wanted to go threedots he passed away peacefully in his sheep,0,en
have you guys had the new lance armstrong trail mix? there's only one nut in the bag .,0,en
Tried to cover Miles Davis but failed miserably. I Kind of Blue it,0,en
"Economists. If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion",1,en
At what stage of evolution did Robots become as advanced as humans? When opposable thumb drives were developed,1,en
q : what did the mermaid do last saturday night? a : she went out with the tide .,0,en
"Say what you will about Carlos Mencia, he sure knows how to take a joke And present it as if he wrote it",1,en
"a guy gets a phone call from a girls he likes . she says "" come over , nobody's home! "" so he goes over , and nobody's home .",1,en
what's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack? the lumberjack has a job .,1,en
"When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.",0,en
Why do I have a hospital bill from my kitty? He gave me a cat scan.,0,en
Kids do have a volume knob... Just turn their heads til you hear a click.,0,en
If you spell race car backwards. You get what Honda owners wish they had,0,en
Why are TVs attracted to people? Because people turn them on,1,en
At a date: He: I work with animals every day. She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do? He: I'm a butcher.,0,en
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest,1,en
"""Hey, I finally watched that movie you've been wanting me to see..."" ""Oh, so you finally saw Back to the Future? "" ""Sure did!"" ""It's about time!""",0,en
"The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me ""Amigo"". Am I in a gang now?",1,en
"shortest joke a software developer can tell : "" i'll be ready soon. "" software engineering try o do work smart not to work hard",1,en
Now that Joan Lee is dead Stan lee has become Lone Lee,0,en
what did the dementia patient say to the other dementia patient? i forgot .,1,en
What is brown and sticky? The carcass in the backyard,0,en
"would you like to try some binary cake? sure , i'll have a little bit .",0,en
What's the similaritie between conjoined twins and messy hair They both need a trim,1,en
Someone accused the Mona Lisa of killing a man. But I think she's been framed,0,en
"What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind? That people exaggerate.",1,en
"When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don't even look like sister and brother.",0,en
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.,1,en
how many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? none it is done by the automatic pilot .,1,en
What does a haunted hamburger say? MooooOOOoooOoo,1,en
why didn't the dog speak to his foot? because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !,1,en
What's white and covers the streets on a winter's morning?  Working people.,1,en
God was a big fan of wrestling Until his son got pinned.,1,en
Here's what I've been thinking. How can a male have nut allergies,1,en
I heard Chris Brown was starting a new radio station. It will be nothing but hit after hit,0,en
What has three feet but no legs? A yardstick.,1,en
"Boss: ""late again I see"" Brain: think of a good excuse! Mouth: ""your moms late."" Brain: wow....",0,en
What do Steph Curry and Demi Lovato have in common? They both have great shooting arms,1,en
Did anyone hear about the fossils down the block? I heard they started carbon dating. ,1,en
why can't a storm trooper get a girl pregnant? because they always miss their target !,0,en
"Arranging a business trip. ""Hello I need to book a business trip to Thailand."" ""Are you going to Bangkok?"" ""No, I'm just going to Phuket.""",1,en
""" how big do you suppose that fence is? "" "" i reckon that fence is around a yard . """,1,en
"When is the best time to buy a chicken? When they're going ""CHEEP!""",0,en
"The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday..",0,en
What's better than Chrisopher Walken? Ted Danson.,0,en
what job do you never stop training for? conductor,1,en
What did the Queen fans say at the stoning? We will We will Rock you!,0,en
"two ducks are in a pond one says "" quack ! "" the other says "" man, i was just about to say that ! """,1,en
"If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit. I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.",0,en
q : why did the invisible man look in the mirror? a : to make sure he still wasn't there .,0,en
"the stock market is like a woman threedots threedots when she goes down, you buy more",0,en
"""Do you need a ride? "" Me, to every jogger I pass in my car",1,en
Why is not vaccinating your kids a favor to them ? That way they won't outlive the dog.,0,en
"you don't love me? don't worry , the first step is denial .",0,en
upvote for mod visibility modes have smol pp,1,en
"With Fifty Shades of Grey that came out today, cinemas should serve ketchup... ...for all the fish fingers",1,en
what do you call a ghost without any feet? a lost sole,1,en
I forgot to bring my towel to the gym. But I'm not gonna sweat it,0,en
What's the difference between student loans and my dad Student loans won't go away ,1,en
RIP Freddie Mercury He bit the dust.,0,en
"i just ate a salad that was so bad, nicolas cage is starring in a movie about it .",0,en
What do you call someone who drinks too much water? An aquaholic...,1,en
"How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.",1,en
What's the difference between a good barbecue and a cremation? A few degrees,1,en
Why does Caterpie like Margarine? Because it's Butterfree.,1,en
What do you call a mountain of puns? Mount Cleverest,1,en
Mathematics... Learning you can count on!,0,en
"Bill Cosby's business card. Sorry I missed you, I was in while you were out",0,en
What do you call a bucktooth ethiopian? A rake,1,en
i'm gonna open a pho restaurant that never closes! it's called twenty pho seven,0,en
"i told my mom i was going to run away to oklahoma. all she said was , "" ok """,0,en
why can't guys do the splits? the banana gets in the way . banana split,0,en
NO one Loves me. No one hates me Forveralone,0,en
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese,1,en
what was the first thing hellen keller noticed at the beach? the volleyball net .,0,en
I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something,0,en
"""Read"" rhymes with ""lead"" ... and ""read"" rhymes with ""lead"", but ""read"" doesn't rhyme with ""lead.""",1,en
"XXXTENTACION made a song in which he demanded and screamed the lines ""Look At Me"" over and over. He got his wish, didn't he.",1,en
Do you need an arc that can hold a lot of animals? I Noah guy.,0,en
"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.",0,en
"I think I'm a superhero, but I don't even remember being bitten by a radioactive sloth.",1,en
"I was having trouble settling into my new house, so I went to a therapist He said I have an apartment complex",1,en
man is incomplete until he's married. then he's finished,0,en
Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area !,0,en
Once you've seen one shopping center. you've seen the mall,1,en
What do you call your home under the full moon? A warehouse!,0,en
Who is in cowboy films and is always broke? Skint Eastwood.,1,en
Did you hear about the hydraulic press? It wasn't very impressive.,1,en
what happens when you eat too much seafood? you begin to feel a little eel .,1,en
"If that cute guy doesn't approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you're eating.",1,en
what's a terrible plate pun? dish one .,0,en
why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn? to scare off cat burglars !,0,en
What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.,1,en
When was happiness invented? After the Great Depression,1,en
i ate the whole box of slim fast bars. so excited about how skinny i'll be when i wake up tomorrow,0,en
what kind of vitamin does a pirate take? vitamin sea .,0,en
What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling? You belong.,0,en
"Yerr a unit of power, Harry I'm a watt? ",0,en
"if it ain't broke, my children haven't touched it yet .",0,en
"Nobody is born cool, except of course The fetus of the dead pregnant woman I kept in a freezer",0,en
how do you like your juice? i like mine gassy and concentrated .,0,en
Awful news about those huge forest fires in america. The mamas and papa's renamed hit california screaming will be available in the shops soon.,1,en
An ice cream truck in summer seems a nice business idea Now I am selling children on cones.,0,en
"Cat places ad in the classifieds. ""Seeking Pets""",1,en
"I wanted to become a doctor... But, I just didn't have the patients...",0,en
"My girlfriend decided to quit her job at the yogurt company The truth his, she never really liked the culture",1,en
The emo kids brings a guitar case to school he doesn't play guitar,1,en
Which is the longest toilet in the world? Indian Railways,1,en
I was shocked to see how much vibrators cost these days. My wife must be sitting on a fortune,1,en
"Does anyone see the Irony in popeye eating lots of spinach? cause spinach, actually has tons of Iron in it.....",1,en
why did the dog say he was an actor? his leg was in a cast .,1,en
What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash.,1,en
Who Is every lumberjack's favourite director? TIMBURRRTON!,0,en
I'm writing a cookbook for parents with small kids. it's called 'Meals that will be easy to clean off of the floor',1,en
Why did Beethoven love playing low notes. Higher notes weren't worth the the treble,1,en
"At a TexMex restaurant, I told the waiter to put my small bowl of spicy tomato sauce and beans back on the stove... ... it was a little chili.",1,en
why does john cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick? because the doctor can never see him .,0,en
Why did little Johnny get in trouble for eating his vegetables? Because he works at a hospital.,1,en
Why did the tomato quit his job? Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.,1,en
How deep is the ocean? A shark spooked him while he was surfing.,0,en
What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? ...nothing.,0,en
What is a Mormon's favorite movie? Lord of the Rings,0,en
"well, here goes nothing threedots",0,en
"i'm never mean to a girl in glasses, because she will most likely turn out to be hot and popular by the end of the movie .",1,en
"I dont know why But everytime I load my dish washer, it takes nine months for it to finish them.",0,en
"What did the pessimist say to the psychologist? Only the good die, Jung.",1,en
mom : how's therapy me : ok. my anxiety is better mom : great me : yeah mom : me : mom : so did u get the article i sent u about the flesh eating b,0,en
What do you call a woman who throws letters in the fire? Bernadette,1,en
To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian,1,en
What was Kobe's favourite season? The fall,1,en
my love life is like santa claus. it exists thanks to gullible six year olds,0,en
"funny joke I thought my son would be happy that I bought him a trampoline. But ohhhh noooo, all he wants to do is sit around and cry in his wheelchair",0,en
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car,1,en
"BY COINCIDENCE By coincidence, the mom from Toy Story had adult toys named Woody and Buzz Lightyear",0,en
"In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo",1,en
A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash Cashier: Wanna box for those? Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?,0,en
"Most girls: ""I hangout with guys, there's less drama."" Me: ""I hangout by myself. There's no drama",1,en
"Simple way to get my kids to brush their teeth and do their homework: if they don't, they have to be a guest on my podcast.",1,en
what's the difference between matter and a hormone? you can't make matter .,0,en
How does a dog play Hendrix on guitar? With a chihuahua pedal.,1,en
Why do procrastinators live the longest? Because they die at the last second.,1,en
"Tim Vine came up to me. I said,""Hey, you're Time Vine! "" He said,""My name's not Tim Vine, it's Timbuktu."" He paused. ""Sorry, I was miles away.""",0,en
"A woman visits an astrologer Astrologer: Would you like me to tell you your husband's future? Woman: No you tell me his past, I'll decide his future.",1,en
do you know why lions eat raw meat? because lions don't know how to cook .,1,en
Doctor Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.,0,en
"What's the definition of a Mistress? Oh, I don't know. Probably something between a Mister and a mattress.",1,en
Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory? They have such a high turnover rate.,1,en
"so, a mate of mine has come back from a air conditioning course he now has ' a license to chill ' threedots",0,en
i saw some beautiful women. sometimes it makes me sad though and i almost don't want to start the chainsaw,1,en
"People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult. It's as easy as C, A, B.",1,en
"I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. 'That woolly one looks like a fist' I say, as Jack punches me again",0,en
i'm bored. who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better ?,0,en
""" i see, "" said the blind man threedots as he pissed into the wind . "" it's all coming back to me now . """,0,en
What do you call a place where they don't allow sleeveless shirts? A gun free zone,1,en
Ate a burger while reading about the worst burgers in America. Now I'm gonna read about the decline of society while I tweet,0,en
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? Melancholy.,1,en
How do you turn on a female mathematician? You Euler up.,0,en
"second date tip: repeat everything you said on the first date , word for word .",0,en
'Marley and Me' has a sequel! It's called 'Me'...,0,en
"Swords just aren't naturally ""wooooshy"" enough for me, that's why I add the noise. That's why I add the noise, Janet",1,en
What happens when you witness a shipwreck? You let it sink in.,0,en
Memes are just like men Replaceable,1,en
What if I told you. You read the first line wrong Made you look,0,en
Why do bad farmers make good DJs? Because they've got sick beets!,1,en
When a cow laughs. does milk come out of her nose,1,en
An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon. It was secondhand,1,en
"why is french person a better team player than a pirate? the pirate says , "" aye , aye ! "" the french says , "" oui , oui ! """,1,en
how do you communicate with a fish? you drop it a line !,0,en
"I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said ""Can you describe the symptoms? "" So I replied ""Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair""",1,en
I like my women how I like my Christmas toys. Made in China.,0,en
what's the difference between a male and female table? a male table is made with hard wood .,1,en
I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again. He had a lot of remorse about that,1,en
"I understand why Captain Marvel had to be a woman. If the ""special"" plane had been flown by a man instead then he wouldn't have crashed it from the start.",0,en
The difference between a seesaw and a catapult? An overweight friend.,1,en
Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team. He has now hired Celtic as he heard they lost both legs and still managed to win,1,en
"I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America's shield. That's probably his weak point",1,en
Why is a dance like a bowl of cereal? They are both more enjoyable with dates!,0,en
I got a piece of jewellery from Pakistan that tells me how I feel. It's Mahmood ring.,1,en
"There are two kind of business on earth. One is not your business, and the other is not my business",0,en
"You know Robbie Rotten is Dead now, does that mean Robbie Rotten is Rotting?",0,en
"spaghetti, because you didn't like that shirt anyways",0,en
My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child. She takes The Sims very seriously,1,en
So I guess it's going to be ham for Thanksgiving lulz. cause no more Turkey,0,en
"once you have a phd, every meeting you go to is a doctor's appointment .",1,en
Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway. polite or the ultimate shade,0,en
What do you call inexplicably missing aioli? Awoli.,1,en
What's the difference between food and kids? I wash my hands before I touch food.,1,en
Did you hear about the blood drive organizer from Portland who died in a car crash? He was an Oregon donor.,1,en
How do you best serve burned food? Coal'd.,1,en
"when i see someone laughing to themselves in public , i love to imagine what they're thinking about , even though deep down i know: it's memes",1,en
what's grey and can't fly? a parking lot .,0,en
How is cunnilingus like riding a bike with an open face helmet? It's a lot of fun as long as you don't end up with bugs in your teeth.,1,en
Anyone know any good Batman and Robbin jokes? A girls I work with claims to know them all and I need to win this :D,0,en
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? You install tinder to get a new one.,0,en
"girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep but once a month it's shark week .",1,en
why is a dog so warm in summer? he wears a coat and pants .,1,en
I never knew bombs could talk Until I visited afganistan,1,en
"When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.",1,en
You might want to read all of my tweets. so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better,0,en
"look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to ?",0,en
i saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier. must be going through a tough period in her life,0,en
"according to hr, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when i've only had an apple for lunch but i can't throw my chair at him",1,en
"my wife and i were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring threedots",0,en
I found out about Forrest Gump while looking into Fitbits. He was the best of all the running aids,1,en
"Got an email from an airline inviting me to""Discover America"". I've replied with a link to the Wikipedia page about Christopher Columbus",1,en
"One dark night, there was a rustle in the bushes. Russel, get out of the bushes",0,en
I have a joke about fish and herbs. But I don't think now is the thyme or the plaice to tell it,1,en
ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. everything isn't about you,1,en
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.",0,en
Lil Peep is successful! Fight me! He did it in one try,0,en
Which fish is the redneck's favorite? A Bearcooter,0,en
Bring Me the Horizon gets thrown into the ocean... Do they sink or swim? Or simply disappear,0,en
"this year for christmas, i asked for a new pair of scissors threedots my old pair just wasn't cutting it !",0,en
take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents. not sorry,0,en
What's more useful than a disabled kid? A wheelchair with pedals.,1,en
what do a telephone and a dog have in common? they both have collar id .,1,en
A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested...  He still has the right to remain silent.,0,en
did i ever tell you about the time i went to the doctor to get my blood type when i was super depressed? he said b positive,1,en
Where do internet pirates get their loot? From pier to pier.,1,en
"So, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have split up! It's a bit of a Nightmare before Christmas.",0,en
Just fell into a toilet last night and now I'm feeling really sad. Been down in the dumps all day,0,en
What do you say to a guy who jumped off the roof but didn't die? Git good noob,0,en
"What we all need everyday . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hey, It's July...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .",1,en
what's the difference between the titanic and kim kardashian? the number of people who rode the titanic is known .,0,en
because he always knew what the punchline would be. why didn't the psychic laugh at any jokes ?,1,en
What do you call a cute little animal you keep in your automobile? A carpet.,1,en
"my friend said , "" hey , can you tell me the time? "" i said , "" not on my watch """,1,en
is the bakery hiring? cause i think i'll knead a little bit of dough to get by .,0,en
Whats the difference between the Loch Ness monster and the Mods? Ness!,0,en
Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.,0,en
"my friend has really clean shoes , what's his secret? he's in a wheelchair",1,en
"I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha 's No one notices, I dont know why I bother. hahahabananahahaha",0,en
"I want the leaves in my yard to leaf Maple I should rake them. But hey, they do spruce it up a bit",1,en
it's an emergency! i need underwear jokes . my baby sister needs underwear jokes for some mysterious reason . i need your guys help,0,en
Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast,0,en
Me: hi She: I've a boyfriend Me: Well! It's look like you could use two.,0,en
What does the date inside of a wedding ring stand for? best before...,1,en
"My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word ""slimming"", I explain to the other homeless people.",1,en
Q: Dad why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because son it is more difficult to hit a moving target.,0,en
"""Hey Siri, what's your favorite 'Friends' quote? "" ""I'm very bendy""",0,en
What do you call a voucher for complimentary Chipotle? free coli,0,en
What made the world stop being Blue? The new softcap limits,0,en
Shoe's are alot like kids Their tight at first but get comfy later,0,en
"no matter how busy i am at work, i'm never too busy to complain about how busy i am at work .",1,en
I want a real relationship; not a Facebook one,0,en
How long is a meter in Spain? A Spanard,1,en
"There are two types of people in this world. People who can stay on track and, oh how I love frosted flakes",0,en
how do you give a quadriplegic a headache? ask him to hold open the elevator door,0,en
I like my women like I like my video games... Finish this joke! There's a thousand punchlines. I want to hear yours,0,en
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life. Avoiding them,0,en
"i'm so down on my luck right now, that i can't even afford to change out light bulbs when they burn out threedots things don't look so bright",0,en
""" honey , i'm pregnant "" "" are you kidding me? "" "" that's another way of saying it , i guess , yeah """,0,en
What's green with a brown tip? The cucumbers in Elton John's fridge.,0,en
"Since getting a Kindle, what I miss most about books is tipping them forward on the shelf to open a secret passageway.",1,en
How do you make an elephant sandwich? First of all you get a very large loaf...,0,en
"I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it",0,en
What do you call a nosy pooper? An eavesdropper!,1,en
What's a rabbits' favourite car? Any make just as long it's a hutchback!,0,en
when you go for a bus ride do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs? i prefer to ride on top but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs .,1,en
"just saw a guy with a chain wallet. a bunch of people were trying to steal his wallet , but they couldn't",1,en
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.,1,en
chuck norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. we know this beverage as red bull,1,en
What do you call the hair of a centaur? Humane.,1,en
How do Frenchmen share files? Pierre to Pierre.,1,en
"mom : clean up ur room! we're having guests over for dinner me : sorry , i didnt realize we were having dinner in my room",0,en
Do you know the Greek version of Monopoly? It's called Monopoulos and you just borrow all the money from the bank. Everyone loses.,1,en
Which educational institute did many Jehovah's Witnesses graduate from? The School of Hard Knocks.,1,en
Don't open a store on Mt. Everest You'd be surprised how quickly things go downhill from there,1,en
"why did satan need life alert? because he had fallen , and could not get back up .",0,en
What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop? A spokesperson.,1,en
Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.,1,en
What online image hosting service do puppies use to post their puppy pictures? Imgrrrrrrr,0,en
The people who lock posts cant delete all evidence Their name will always stay in automodsmessage,0,en
Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky.,1,en
the walking dead. or better known as the running living,1,en
"A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing. Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.",1,en
What do you call a group of nit picky redditors? A headache.,1,en
What do you call a random complaint in Star Wars? A General Grievance.,1,en
buffet why did the guy at the all you can eat place go from one serving table to the other? to get to the other sides .,1,en
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But I didn't even try and mine's been playing dead for an hour,0,en
what is the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? a southern zoo has a description of the animal on the cage along with a recipe .,1,en
what does person with alzheimer's call what are you wearing today? what am i wearing today,1,en
a man with alzheimer's starts telling a joke. where am i ?,1,en
What kind of movies do scurvy circles enjoy? rated movies.,1,en
"Maddie Maddie jokes are under valued, you get half a dozen philpotts to one maddie",0,en
What happened to Ed's girlfriend? Sheeran,0,en
Okay why is it spelled: camouflage And not:,0,en
The band Europe is rereleasing their greatest hits on records. It's the vinyl countdown,1,en
why do power lines hum? because they don't know the words .,1,en
"dear keyboard , they may touch you , but they can't take their eyes off of me. sincerely , monitor",0,en
what do you call a popular joke on reddit? repost,0,en
"""Did you just say something?"" ""Uhhh nope?"" ""Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."" ""No I didn't."" ""Good, because I'm vegan.""",1,en
God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out. So he had to resort to Plan Bee,1,en
why is the stick attached to the roof? because it is sticky .,1,en
"HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked",0,en
What did the Catholic crusader do once he was finished with the front of the squire? He turned the page.,1,en
how can you tell if a man is happy? who cares,1,en
I used to be in a band called Blank Cheque. After three years we were still unsigned,1,en
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees.,1,en
"What did ""Nock"" say to ""K""? You can join us, as long as you stay quiet.",1,en
"if "" wings "" mean "" diabetes "" then yes, red bull gave me that .",1,en
"how do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti? pasta pasta , pasta .",1,en
Happy birthday to both reddit and planned parenthood. My favorite two things keeping me from getting a girl pregnant,0,en
What's the name of West Virginia's version of Winnie the Pooh? Gummy Bear,0,en
"i was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, threedots threedots but that's so much work .",0,en
The other day I saw two squirrels making noises at each other as if they were arguing. You could say they were squarreling,1,en
What do you call a pageant winner on a train? Misscarriage.,1,en
What's another name for chicken breasts? Chitties,1,en
why do cows never walk out of horror movies? they're able to stomach a lot .,1,en
what's the shortest tom cruise joke? he walks into a bra .,1,en
How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot? Perky.,1,en
Did you hear? A bunch of Jason Aldean fans got to meet Tom Petty!,0,en
Internet explorer. The best browser for downloading a new browser,0,en
breaking: john terry spotted changing into his full german kit .,0,en
what do lawyers use for birth control? personality .,1,en
Mother: Does your teacher like you? Son: Like me she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper !,0,en
"for what i lack in imagination, i more than make up for in something else .",1,en
"Baby, let's stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.",0,en
"The Barenaked Ladies have been pulled from the rubble alive, following the Nepal Earthquake. Its been One Week",1,en
What do Downton Abbey and Premenstrual Syndrome have in common? They're both period drama,1,en
"after filling up my gas tank this morning before work, i realized that i didn't want to eat for the",1,en
The chicken's egg never hatched. It was a bad yoke,1,en
Why do ducks nod their head when they walk? They're listening to duckstep!,1,en
Who did Karl Stefansson play in Lazy Town? Robbie Rotting,0,en
What does Tumblr and Blizzards have in common both are made up of snowflakes,1,en
my cat doesn't listen to a word i say. that's why the cell phone she made me buy her only has a text message plan,0,en
I love campfire smoke so much. it brings tears to my eyes,0,en
What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!,0,en
What do Michael Jackson and Jimmy Savile have in common? they touched some many lives,1,en
Why did the period and and semicolon break up? Because they had nothing in comma,1,en
"Why did you name your son Tinnitus? I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.",0,en
Nuclei and Electrons are the original hipsters of the universe. They were hydrogen before it was cool. ,1,en
i just ate dark chocolate. does that mean i'm rich ?,1,en
What's got eight feet and ten shoes? The McCann family.,1,en
Why do hot girls always travel in threes? Because they can't even.,1,en
What is the difference between a baby and my car? I cared when someone stole my car. ,0,en
"The difference between polygamy and monogamy. Polygamy is having too many wives, but monogamy is having one wife too many",1,en
The other day I've mixed my wives lipstick with a glue stick My model plane fell completely apart!,0,en
i went to a party dressed as a loaf of bread. the birds were all over me,1,en
try this one crazy trick to get people to click on things! see . it worked .,0,en
How do you double the price of a Fiat? Fill the tank,1,en
How do you gently wake up a sleeping baby? Don't preheat the oven when you bake it.,0,en
"I remember the days when I wasn't addicted to Facebook. I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,",1,en
What's a roosters favorite sport? Professional Cock Soccer.,1,en
In what country are the most warehouses Syria. There were houses.,1,en
"why did the blonde starve to death? her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said , "" do not eat . """,0,en
What do you get when you cross an owl with a fish? A Waterfowl,1,en
"what goes up a chimney down , but won't go down a chimney up? an umbrella !",0,en
"don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape .",0,en
i found the city in which cheese was first produced! it's from age,0,en
Did you know Muhammed Ali's biggest fights were outside the ring Did you also know Chris Browns biggest hits wasnt even songs,0,en
What do you call a Serbian who won't clean his room? Novak.,1,en
"I'm taking part in the Hillsborough triathlon today! Football, squash, and fencing.",1,en
"The stock market is like a woman.... ....when she goes down, you buy more",1,en
The difference between reddit and college is. You get a piece of paper at the end of college,0,en
"My friend told me that recycling is good for the environment Not on Reddit, apparently. I got downvoted a lot",1,en
"why is marriage is like an alarm clock? after the ring , you wake up !",0,en
how does a woman show she's planning for the future? plastic surgery .,1,en
"Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today. I said stop wasting your time, we should be concentrating on locking them up",0,en
"My children always cry during dinner, and it kind of spoils the mood. The meat tastes best fresh off the bone though, so I can't really complain.",1,en
Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac? All the signs say Cancer.,0,en
you can't give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending i'm a model doing a photo shoot. it's science,1,en
Life teachings Q: What do you call it when your child teaches you something they are interested in? A: Learning from your mistakes.,1,en
Sea World threw me out for trying to ride the manatee What's the big deal? It's not like I did it on porpoise!,0,en
what do all battered women have in common? they don't listen .,1,en
What is a bachelor's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe,0,en
Say what you want about people with Cancer. But they must save a fortune on shampoo.,0,en
"You know what they say about assumptions, right? They say that they are generally wrong.",1,en
Practice safe lunch. Use a condiment,0,en
How does the priest like his beef? Tender loin,1,en
"i think i've lost an electron. ion a minute , are you positive ?",0,en
Why is dark spelt with a K instead of a C Because you can't see in the dark,0,en
After this winter I'm so excited for spring. I wet my plants,1,en
"So there was this guy who flew so close to the sun he was able to touch it in exactly one spot... ...after that, he was a real tangent.",0,en
When Chuck Norris finishes a joke. It's called a roundhouse kick line,1,en
"Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they're changing their name to the ACME Corp.",1,en
i can do something that einstein can't. breathe,0,en
What's worse than finding out that your wife has cancer? Finding out it's curable.,1,en
How do you know you are getting older? You walk past a couple of priests and notice they don't even look your way,1,en
I usually love animals but my sisters dog peeve always seems to bother me. ,1,en
"Today children's day, I gave a gift to my son that I had never given before... I took him out of the cage.",0,en
Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer,0,en
Start your presentation with a joke My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide,0,en
Why did the daredevil want to be on the radio? So he could get some air time.,0,en
"When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.",0,en
""" you drink too much milk. "" , said the doctor your blood is now milk",0,en
What do cows usually fly around in? Helicowpters and Bulloons.,1,en
"You're listening to Magic FM. Pick a frequency, any frequency",0,en
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it's stuck in my wiper. I guess I don't have to stop to get supper tonight,1,en
I'd love to date one of our moderators. Every joke is long to them,1,en
Why did the library book go to the doctor? It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix.,1,en
How did the actress from Legally Blonde die? Witherknife,0,en
Everyone's thanking the bus driver. I'm thanking everyone for giving me there kids address. ,0,en
What's a similarity between School topper and School shooter? They both end up on top of the hottest girl in school.,1,en
"a bubble floats into a bar . . . the bartender asks , "" what do you want? "" the bubble says , "" pop . """,1,en
what does hodor start off his day with? raisin ' bran .,1,en
What's the difference between my daughter and an inmate in prison The inmate drops the soap by accident,1,en
"When people tell me ""You're going to regret that in the morning"", I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver",1,en
I started to really love these Zoom college classes. Already got to pin most of the girls in my class.,1,en
What is a gossip? Someone with a great sense of rumor.,1,en
"Wait. If Toyotas can't stop accelerating, can't they theoretically be used for space travel?",1,en
"So my brother is dating a mermaid. Yeah, apparently their relationship's on the rocks",1,en
How do you stop a fight between two blind men? Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.,0,en
Why is the Afghan Airforce so easy to train? You only teach them how to take off.,1,en
What do you call a girl? You don't call it.,1,en
"i just watched a knot making documentary , it was really good! especially that ending , what a twist .",0,en
How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD? It took the bus.,1,en
what is a shitzu? a zoo with no animals .,0,en
"My friend and I were playing 'biggest number', and for my number I simply multiplied his number by itself. I won fair and square",1,en
"When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins. Because you might not be able to differentiate between them",1,en
"so my friend asks me if i like the genre metal threedots i told him that i don't know what a genre is, but i do like copper and steel .",1,en
What did Jesus do with his life? He nailed it.,1,en
What's a cats favorite color? Puuuuurple.,0,en
What is cool about depression branded knives? They have the best cutting edge technology,1,en
What do you call a shooting at a Mexican golf course? Hole in Juan,1,en
me : my computer broke it guy : what have you tried so far? me : everything it guy : me : i shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing,1,en
"According to my roommate's diary, I have boundary issues.",1,en
"Actual ""dad"" joke from my dad What does Mickey Mouse do to Minnie Mouse after she drowns and he pulls her out of the water? Mouse to Mouse resuscitation.",1,en
What do you call a bunch of pro wrestlers hitting each other with blocks of cheddar and wheels of gouda? Battle Royale with cheese.,1,en
"when she screams "" deeper! "" threedots but you're all out of poems .",1,en
Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes? In the L Ron cupboard.,1,en
What do you call a Rastafarian Irishman? Eamon,1,en
what do you call a shy rapper? lil ' confidence,1,en
"Retail outlets that target urban markets ""We keep our prices lower than your pants!""",1,en
Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.,1,en
"stop eating all the shrimp, sean connery it's shellfish .",0,en
Autocorrect is a great feature. but it can also be your worst enema,1,en
"we've been trying to think of some vegetable jokes. if you can think of any , lettuce know",0,en
Wanna hear a good long joke cut short? Robin Williams,0,en
My stats prof is so romantic. He keeps talking about his Bayes' Theorem,1,en
What do you call a content vowel? A Cheerio.,1,en
What is inappropriate in plural but is appropriate in singular sea man,1,en
Why are Jedis allowed to use negative numbers? Because only Siths deal in absolutes.,1,en
What's the difference between a reindeer and a caribou? Caribou can't fly.,1,en
"I'm starting a new movement that encourages people to take things one step at a time Unfortunately, it's taking a long time to catch on.",1,en
what's long and hard and makes women cry at night? crib death .,0,en
I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently. It's really all about raisin awareness..,0,en
If Mick Jagger was Irish would he go by McJagger?,1,en
what do you call a person who acts based on their feeling rather than logic? a girl on period .,1,en
Rihanna should date Lebron. he never beats anyone,0,en
of all the kisses i've gotten in my life. that is the first,0,en
"What are plans like? Zyklon. If A doesn't do the trick, use B.",0,en
i told my wife i'd like to go travelling. she sent me to the supermarket for eggs,1,en
a blond goes to bed with a glass of water and an empty one. the latter is in case she wakes up not feeling thirsty,1,en
when i said ' you can't buy my love. ' i meant with your salary,1,en
Turquoise is the best colour. It's been cyantifically proven,1,en
What is the first name of Mr Rafone? Mike.,0,en
why did the school bully kick the classroom computer? someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system .,1,en
"whenever someone talks to me, i freak out because i forget people can see me .",1,en
"""Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target."" ""Were we at least close? "" ""Not even remotely.""",1,en
what language do birds speak? pigeon english !,1,en
"What is Metal Gear's Snake's secret? There's a Solid, Liquid, and Solidus Snake. It seems they all passed gas.",0,en
"What would be the American version of ""Duck Quacks Don't Echo""? ""Jet Fuel Don't Melt Steel Beams"".",1,en
"i ordered a new joke in the mail threedots it's pretty funny, but i haven't quite gotten the delivery yet",0,en
What is another name for the disabled stall in a restroom? A handicrapped zone.,1,en
"I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.",1,en
What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen.,1,en
"Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.",1,en
Whats the differnt between J. Epstein and a Schoolpsychologist Jeffrey does really love kids,1,en
"What is the most common french saying? ""nous abandonnons""",1,en
What do you call a Transformer that's also an optometrist? Oculus Prime.,1,en
How do you make the best Americanized Chinese food? Like Tso.,1,en
What did the scientist say when he stubbed his toe? Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium.,1,en
What's the difference between a Catholic kid and a blind kid? The blind kid won't see you coming.,1,en
My mom asks if I could help her bake bread this Christmas. She kneads me,0,en
What's the shortest book in the world? Deutscher Humor!,0,en
What's the best way to start an underwear presentation? Start with a brief introduction.,0,en
the number one problem in the world today is apathy. but who cares ?,0,en
"this year's the year of the rooster , so i ate chicken. next year's the year of the dog",0,en
"Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market? Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.",1,en
I used to be a hypochondriac. But I got sick of it,0,en
I was going to commit seppuku the other day. But I didn't have the guts to go through with it,0,en
what is another way to describe a cat? a heat seeking missile !,0,en
The person you are trying to stalk Is stalking another person. Please wait,0,en
Doctor Who is a terrible procrastinator. He leaves everything for earlier.,1,en
"good in bed? so i was asked by a girl recently if i was good in bed . my reply : "" i know i'm good in bed because i'm always satisfied ! """,1,en
What grocery store does Charlie Sheen frequently visit? Rite Aid,1,en
Sore Mccain My arms are so sore from the gym. I feel like John Mccain after the Vietnam War,0,en
"i was gonna do nothing today, but then i realized i hadn't finished doing it yesterday .",0,en
how do you make a hot dog stand? take away its chair .,0,en
Why did the termite eat a sofa and two chairs? It had a suite tooth.,1,en
"Internet, you've made a compelling argument. Sleep: present your case",1,en
"i don't always start a joke without finishing it, but when i d",0,en
I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering. I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case,1,en
"the richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least .",0,en
I gave a Batman mask to a random kid yesterday How was I supposed to know about his parents?,0,en
them : pleasure to meet you. me : give it time,0,en
Why couldn't the Italian phone salesman open up his shop. He had a Nokia,0,en
my momma always said life is like a load of laundry. sometimes you gotta separate the colors from the whites,0,en
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.,1,en
What is the word for chamber in German? Gas station.,1,en
q : how do you fix a broken pizza? a : use tomato paste .,0,en
"i like my men, like i like my subway a foot long .",0,en
"What did the monkeys say when they saw the Northern Lights? Ooooooh, aaaaaah...",0,en
Grandad says he remembers how hot his girlfriend was on their last date. The Hindenburg was like that.,1,en
"An atom asks another atom, Do these protons make my mass look big?",1,en
Why is the show called stranger things ? Cause Lucas father was still with the family ,0,en
"people think life after college is nothing but feeling tired all the time , but that's just not true. there's also a ton of fear and anxiety",1,en
why did the moth go into the dentist's office? the light was on .,0,en
"Friend: I've got a candy that'll make you laugh all day! Me: Dude, it's a Snickers...",0,en
what the difference between australia and a glass of milk? leave the glass of milk alone long enough and it'll develop a culture .,1,en
"If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area",1,en
Any size pizza is a personal pizza. if you eat it all by yourself,0,en
I was giving my daughter piggyback rides when she fell over The surprising thing is the doctor somehow gave me her foetus back,1,en
"At a Chinese restaurant, I ordered wonton soup. But they misunderstood my order. Unrelated, I'm opening up a soup kitchen.",1,en
Why doesn't mexico have a navy? Because cardboard doesn't float,1,en
Do buses and trains run on time? Usually yes. No they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.,1,en
Woman: Would you ever die for me? Man: I've been trying to do that for a few years.,0,en
Whats the difference between chicken and rice. Iron man dies in endgame.,0,en
"When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day... Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.",0,en
teacher : shall i put the school computer on? pupil : no miss the dress you're wearing looks fine .,0,en
"i have an eating disorder. i'm about to eat dis order of pizza , dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets",0,en
What is doggy style? Beating a cat which is trying to be a dog.,1,en
What is a UPS worker's favorite cloud service? Dropbox.,0,en
i threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn't come back. how long do you reckon before it's safe to turn around ?,0,en
what's the difference between me and a dentist? the dentist pulls it out when it hurts .,1,en
Did you hear the story about the frog? It was ribbeting.,1,en
Why do people choose suicide as a way to deal with their problems? It's a Cobain mechanism.,1,en
I'm never going down on Medusa again. Because her carpet matches the drapes.,1,en
My wife said she's leaving me due to my obsession with breakfast cereals. I replied cheerios then,1,en
I'm not raciest I have four black tires and a colored tv,0,en
"I was lost in the desert, out in the distance I thought I saw Nicki Minaj, when I ran up to her. She ended up being a Nicki Mirage",0,en
Where is a pirates favorite place to shop for toys? Toys arrrrrr Us.,0,en
Why didn't the Pharaoh believe he was drowning? Because he was in deNile,1,en
"me : let's try it have a nice weekend without any fighting , ok ? hub : agreed me : wait , where are you going ? hub : fishing. see you monday",0,en
How Do You Make Ethiopian Food More Aromatic? Air fresheners.,1,en
How do you test a saltshaker? You call in a redditor.,1,en
I consider myself somewhat of a chick magnet. I just have trouble changing the polarity.,1,en
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because she was a knockout!,0,en
"I started dating an optometrist, but she left me. She just said she couldn't see me anymore",1,en
my secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work. but he types really well,1,en
"jack and jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter threedots jill came down with two fifty .",0,en
What happens when Fonzie doesn't fold his clothes after doing laundry? His shirts get all winkly.,0,en
"did you take a shower today? why , is one missing",0,en
"a woman who's husband died is called a widow , what do you call a husband who's wife died? lucky",1,en
"I've heard so much about the ""Eye Of The Tiger"" but how come no one talks about... ...the other four letters?",1,en
why are hot dogs the best dogs? because they feed the hand that bites them .,1,en
what did the painter do when he was angry? he made a scene .,1,en
what do you get if you cross a wireless with a hairdresser? radio waves !,0,en
what has four wheels and flies? my dead grandmother .,0,en
"Rene Angelil passed away recently, long time manager and husband of Celine Dion. At the funeral a devastated Celine sobbed ""It's ok , my heart will go on""",1,en
Who would be Sub Zero's perfect rival in the Marvel Universe? Thor.,0,en
"summer safety tip: before swimming in the ocean , cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks .",1,en
Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams. and its dream was to be a submarine,0,en
you've been warned to whoever stole my broken bathroom scale. you won't get a weigh with this !,0,en
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes can get old....,0,en
when does a female deer need money? when she doesn't have a buck .,1,en
where do they weigh whales? at the whale weigh station of course .,1,en
What do you call a normal potato? A commentator,1,en
What does a German soccer player call his cleats? Das Boots,1,en
what do quantum physicists do when life gives them lemons? everything,1,en
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae School,1,en
"Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say",0,en
What do you call a gunman in a mental hospital? Troubleshooter.,1,en
"I was eating an orange this morning, but it tasted funny. so I put it back in the crayon box",0,en
What do you call an electronic bowl? Ebowla,1,en
"Yes, I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.",0,en
What does Lebron use to high jump? The Flosberry Flop.,0,en
I felt guilty once But she woke up halfway through,0,en
"A man walked into a musical cheese store and was greeted with the words: ""Hello? Is it Brie you're looking for?""",1,en
CORONA Virus doesn't affect objects! Time to change my gender and become a woman.,0,en
i saw a flock of angry ducks the other day. i wonder why they were in such a fowl mood,1,en
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos,0,en
why is the men's room always located to the left? because women are always right .,1,en
what does michael j fox do when his son parks in his space? he park in son's space,0,en
"An abacus isn't exciting, but it's reliable. You can always count on one",1,en
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy,1,en
"the apple watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iphones .",1,en
"i was going to tell a joke about a popular rock band, but threedots i'm going to need a day to remember .",0,en
"A patient in his hospital bed asks his doctor... Patient: Doctor, how much time do I have left to live...? Doctor: Ten Patient: Ten what...? Doctor: Nine...",1,en
"What does a massage therapist with a speech impediment who moonlights as a dubstep dj do all day? Wub, wub, wubs.",1,en
what gets larger every time i see my girlfriend? my credit card bill .,1,en
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames. QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?,1,en
how do tectonic plates have fun? they meet up and crack each other up .,1,en
how do you make a redditor impatient? loading threedots,0,en
"my favorite caesar quote. "" pizza ! pizza ! """,1,en
Did you hear about the hunting rule change? It's a game changer.,1,en
Jesus can walk on water so Jesus may be able to walk on water but who cares! Stephen hawking's runs on battery's,0,en
"I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.",0,en
"French bread, rye bread, and wheat bread were all sleeping when their house caught on fire They were all toast.",1,en
Did you hear the joke about Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth? I guess I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.,0,en
never lie! said mommy to little timmy and handed him over to santa .,0,en
If she's not ruining your life. She's just not that into you,0,en
What do you call a disabled person on a bungee jump? Spastic on elastic,1,en
There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.,0,en
How many online courses are offered by the senior learning center? None. They're old school.,1,en
What is the result of an automod who removes reported replies? No comment.,0,en
"If SCUBA stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, then what does TUBA stand for? Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus",1,en
What goes Blonde Brunette Blonde Brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels.,1,en
We've all been yelled at. Let us all just take a moment of silence for the times we have been yelled at for doing something wrong on reddit,0,en
What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle,1,en
Why do bacteria congregate in public places? It's a part of their culture.,1,en
Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want,1,en
I'm looking into joining the rubber band industry after High school. I've heard from multiple people that it has quite extensive opportunities,1,en
why do we eat? because we are hungry,1,en
Is high blood pressure contagious? Because I think I'm getting it from my patients.,1,en
I'm calling it now: I'm going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday. You'll all see,0,en
Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a? squeezing through a tight space.,0,en
"If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.",0,en
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with storytelling. I wonder how the next chapter in my life will go.,1,en
"The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am. Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.",1,en
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy? A constellation prize.,1,en
"daddy , is santa coming tonight? no sweetie , mommy has a headache .",0,en
Why did James die when he was arrested ? It was a cardiac arrest.,0,en
reddit is about perception and perspective. but it depends how you look at it,1,en
I butt dialed someone the other day By that I mean I had my phone on vibrate and let it ring ,0,en
If you think that there's nothing that can make your plants stay alive. Watering can,0,en
What kind of stretches does a pencil do? Ticondeyoga,1,en
i relate to your inability to relate to people. let's talk about hanging out but never follow through,1,en
What do you call a disabled person during a zombie apocalypse? Meals on wheels...,1,en
What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it.,0,en
Why did the gamer cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out,0,en
What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.,1,en
"Just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast guard. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty",1,en
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar: Air slap bass Air harmonica Silent pig auctions Balloons hitting people The letter Q,1,en
"why did the hipster dislike physics? cause the system is broke , yo .",1,en
"if you ask me about my love life, i can honestly say threedots i'm holding my own .",0,en
"TIFU by downloading different captions Whoops, wrong sub.",0,en
A cheese wheel was sacrificed yesterday It was for the grater good though. ,1,en
The longer your legs are The easier it is to cook your wife's meal,1,en
I recently became a father I named my child 'Mod'. I was so disappointed when the doctor told me he was going to be disabled.,1,en
What do you call a hipster's wife? Mississippi!,1,en
What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly !,0,en
What is hitlers favourite way of measuring energy Kilojoules,1,en
The mohel Q: Did you hear about the short sighted mohel? A: He got the sack.,0,en
"""What kind of house does cheese like to live in? "" ""A cottage""",1,en
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she said in her diary,1,en
Why couldn't the lumberjack sign into Facebook? Because he was logged out!,0,en
"Dog: Whatcha doing? Me: Shaving my legs. Dog: Why? Me: So that I'm not covered in... Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?",1,en
Why is Karen like cancer? Because they both took the kids,0,en
Metapod really loves eating Margarine on his pokefood. Since its butterfree,0,en
"Contrary to popular belief, Plumbers are not good lovers They are emotionally draining...",1,en
my friend told me he thought i was a hipster. i told him i thought i was a hipster way before he did,1,en
A diamond is forever... So is death.,0,en
Her heart was in the right place. In her chest to the left,0,en
don't feel too bad for people with chronic amnesia. they can watch breaking bad for the first time over and over,1,en
Im disappointed in the lack of mcskillet jokes you'd think they be comin at you faster,0,en
"giving blood today . not my own, of course . that would be creepy .",0,en
"Whenever I feel a conversation is becoming dull, I start talking about sunscreen. because it's topical",1,en
"Why is the retirement center nicknamed ""the garden""? Because it is full of vegetables.",1,en
How do we know that hamburgers love classic music? They're often found at the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall!,1,en
"""Heh. This guy doesn't even know I ate his candy bar."", Tom snickered.",0,en
Did you know that the idea of recycling actually came about from a group of pirates? They came up with the idea of the four R's.,1,en
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: They use honeycombs.,0,en
What did the Englisman say when he got a bad deal at the bazaar? Egypt me!,0,en
Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision? She doesn't mend straight anymore.,1,en
What do you call a old lady? Historical Property ,1,en
That one about the three helium atoms is pretty funny. HeHeHe,0,en
"puts german chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it's taken over the area that the polish sausage was in threedots",1,en
"Looking for an Australian joke! I saw it yesterday. I only remember the last line was ""bummer man"".",1,en
Why did the tree have lots of fans? Because he was Poplar!,0,en
"you know it wasn't always called club penguin. the original name was club seals , not sure why they changed it",1,en
"apparently , twilight is "" so popular "" because teenagers can relate to it. oh yeah , i remember that time when i was a vampire",1,en
one mississippi threedots two mississippi threedots just kidding! one mississippi is quite enough .,0,en
"Wife: The kids opened the ""private"" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos.",0,en
Why were the screams coming from the kitchen? The cook was beating the eggs,1,en
why don't orphans play hide and seek? because no one will look for them .,0,en
Girl: AH COO!! Man: Bless you. Girl: AH COO!! Man: Squared,1,en
"If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.",0,en
"Ah yes. I've linked my Twitter to my Wordpress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it's time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood",0,en
This one was from my daughter after dinner. What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash? IMPASTA!,1,en
glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. he seems sketchy,1,en
Amputees can be pretty stubborn. You've really got to hand it to them,1,en
"me: wanna hang out? southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah me:",1,en
Why didn't the approaching black hole concern the astronaut? He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.,1,en
Why was the boat disobedient? Nobody gave it a stern talking to.,1,en
"Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.",1,en
this joke is the world most peaceful joke threedots don't worry. it doesn't even have a punchline,0,en
"Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.",0,en
why nuns don't wear bras? god supports everything .,1,en
Who's Microsoft's favorite musician? Adele,0,en
the guy who made my sandwiches told me have fun as he handed them to me. not sure what he thinks i was gonna do wit them,1,en
"why the animale go to the store? ""chill"" with friends",1,en
"What do you call a fig tree going to the bathroom? Idk, I'm still figurine it out",0,en
What do you call the cleavage of a woman who had breast implants? Silicon Valley!,1,en
How do French psychologists like their beverages? froid,1,en
Why did Mr. Steaks decide he would take his wife's surname? Because he didn't want his daughters to be called Ms. Steaks.,1,en
"unless it's that scary chick from the ring, i really don't care who is in the restroom with me .",0,en
What's the hardest kind of waffle to find? A Carmen Sandy Eggo,0,en
Did you hear about the truck full of sugar that collided with the truck full of strawberries? Created one hell of a jam.,0,en
How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along? Sew sew,0,en
You know you're a Star Trek fan when you. hate Voyager and you've only seen every episode one time,0,en
Why did Theon Greyjoy become Reek as Ramsay Bolton's hostage? He was suffering from Starkhome syndrome,1,en
There's only one kind of humor in Africa. Dry humor,1,en
This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet. So I took her to the library,0,en
Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? Johns Hopkins!,0,en
my mom once asked if jack frost was based on a true story. jack frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman,1,en
"how to sound australian. say "" good eye might "" aloud",0,en
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.,0,en
"Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving ""costume"" party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.",0,en
Is this a joke? No this is not a joke,0,en
"Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, 'Ptuesday'",1,en
who would steal an artificial leg? i'm stumped .,1,en
My coffee tastes like the dishwasher. Makes me wonder how Carl's doing and if he still has that same distinct flavor,1,en
Jesus loves all of his children But he knows he has to load them in the van anyways. ,0,en
how can you tell when a lawyer is lying? his lips are moving .,1,en
"I might this one religious dude, I sent to go see Jehovah,and there weren't any witnesses",0,en
why did the cow jump over the moon? to get to the milky way !,0,en
Why should you never disturb a mirror? Because they are always reflecting.,1,en
"I found my wheelie bin in the middle of the street this morning. If I hadn't brought it back in, it could have wheelie bin dangerous",0,en
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.,1,en
My wife is due in two months. I can't wait until she's born.,0,en
What cheese lives in a small house? Cottage cheese,0,en
have no friends? tell a girl you love her . do this over and over and soon you'll have many friends ! : d,0,en
"I'm gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads ""In queso emergency, break glass""",1,en
The cutest thing my SO does. Her handwriting looks like she has Parkinson's,1,en
"before facebook, you had to "" like "" things with your feelings .",1,en
"yes off course i'm an american my friend calls me up and asks "" hey are you free tonight? "" and i say of course , i'm american",1,en
I before E except after C. Yes another myth disproven by science,0,en
"Remember. You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose",0,en
"two men walks into a bar knock, knock",0,en
Dolphins are intelligent Intelligent on rye bread... with some mayonnaise.,1,en
If Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here,0,en
I Believe in equality. that's why i have both a cotton plantation AND a rice patty field.,1,en
"I have a hotmail email account. But don't worry, I use it ironically",0,en
One Mississippi... two Mississippi... just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.,0,en
customer : waiter i can't eat this meal . waiter : why not? it looks all right to me . customer : i don't have a fork .,1,en
"I saw a product in the supermarket. Its slogan was: ""The perfect bathroom cleaner!"" But I don't have a perfect bathroom.",1,en
customer : waiter this soup tastes funny. waiter : so laugh sir,1,en
What do you tell a hitchhiker with one leg? Hop in,0,en
How do you frighten a Bee? Sneak up behind it and yell BOO BEE!,0,en
What's similar between coffee and my Uncle Oswald? Both keep me awake at night,1,en
I can hear two bug swatters having a huge argument nearby. I'd give anything to not be a fly on the wall,1,en
looked up from my phone for a few minutes. wasn't worth it,0,en
A guy named Michael was rushed to the emergency room one night and had to have heart surgery. I guess you could say it was open Mike night,0,en
Anyone wanna buy any budgies? I've got two round the house going cheep!,0,en
"When I was done filling my tank, a little bit of gas leaked out of the nozzle onto the ground. I actually felt my peener nod with empathy",1,en
"let me tell you the funniest joke i know threedots hold on for update , i'm on mobile. edit : forgot the joke",0,en
"my boss said, "" have a good day "" threedots so i went home .",0,en
"my car's fuel economy is not doing so good. as a matter of fact, it's tanking",1,en
"i went to the library the other day threedots but i couldn't get in, it was fully booked .",0,en
what do holiday parties and after school clubs have in common? they both feature chess nuts !,1,en
why did helen keller stop cleaning her dishes? she was running out of things to read .,1,en
Discovered a great new dating website for meeting Greek women. It's called Cinder.,1,en
What's it called when you finish in a girl on her period? A raspberry cream pie.,0,en
I know global warming is bad but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?,1,en
"My friend made a cube in woodworking class today I told him to put some dots on it, but no dice.",1,en
how do you get in with a pretty nurse? you need to be patient .,0,en
What do call it when your girlfriend causes inconvenience ? a MINOR inconvenience.,1,en
"If I want to check instructions and it's in Spanish, .. .. am I checking a Manuel?",1,en
"i told god a holocaust joke . he didn't laugh . after a moment of awkward silence , i said: "" well i guess you should have been there "" .",1,en
"And as they were eating, Jesus took content and linked to it, giving it to his disciples, and said, 'Take, eat; this is my brand'",1,en
What do you call a drawing of Ketchup? Sketchup,1,en
relationship status: the pizza is late and i'm worried,1,en
Q: Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street? A: Because she didn't want to go.,0,en
Q: What do ghosts like to chew? A: Boobble gum.,0,en
Whats the best flashlight ? Discord light mode,0,en
blind people of reddit. see what i did there ?,0,en
"I asked my mother if I could have some cloth to give to the nuns. She said, ""Fine, just don't let it become a habit""",1,en
"my husband just told me to relax, like he doesn't remember we're camping in the desert and i brought a shovel .",1,en
"How is a rabbit similar to a plum? they are both purple, except for the rabbit.",1,en
"Q: How many screenwriters to make ""Titanic"" a good movie? A: One more than they had.",0,en
What is a leper jumping off a skyscraper? Tetris,0,en
"i didn't like the fungi at first, but then it grew on me .",1,en
Totally Original Joke What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a maltese shih tzu? An abortion.,0,en
PETA has done an incredible job in preserving marine life They saved millions of fish from drowning,1,en
What do you get when you go to a rapper's vegetable farm? Beets by Dre,0,en
"DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON ""Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella? "" This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON",1,en
Did you know I'm dating a dental hygienist? She has the cleanest teeth I've ever come across.,1,en
I once knew this incredibly meticulous man from Taiwan. He was a real Taipei personality,1,en
Just because I am an Italian American doesn't mean my family is in the mob. It means we used to be,1,en
What's blue and look like pink fluff? Pink Fluff holdings its breath. What's Red and looks like Blue Fluff? Red Fluff,0,en
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather !,1,en
"A man dedicated his life to tying bits of string together. Unfortunately, it was all for knot",1,en
I've asked my wife to always buy my trousers from now on...  Chinos what's best.,0,en
What goes: 'click' is that it? 'click' is that it? 'click' is that it? A blind guy with a rubix cube,0,en
What do you call a small nail hole? A Brad Pit.,1,en
I just came across a group of elderly fish. Old School,0,en
"Your tweet is funny. You didn't hear that short, little exhale through my nose?",0,en
"My son came home from school with a black eye. I mean, he had it before he went in, but it was nice to see that it was still there.",1,en
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather rinse repeat!,0,en
"fun date idea: find a balloon , forget about the date , you have a balloon now .",0,en
"my fake id is so good, bars never suspect i'm not an organ donor .",1,en
bill cosby told me a funny joke last night. but i can't remember it,0,en
what's the quickest way to a woman's heart? the rib cage .,0,en
What do you call a money lender who lives in the ocean? A loan shark!,1,en
"Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.",0,en
What is white but red when it falls? Bride,0,en
Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed,1,en
What breed of dog can you recycle? CARDBOARDer collie ,0,en
"well , well , well. if it isn't that thing i told my wife i already did",0,en
"what do you call a spastic with terminal cancer, no arms, and one leg? Names",1,en
What kind of sweets do trucks like? Lorrypops.,1,en
how many seconds are there in a year? twelve,0,en
phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget,1,en
"What's the opposite of white? Currency, as if it wasn't obvious.",1,en
he died doing what he loved. he didn't know she was married,0,en
I was at the shopping mall today when the escalator suddenly broke down...  Everyone stopped and staired...,0,en
Where are dead computer hackers buried? In decrypt.,0,en
What's white and drips from the cloud? The coming of the Lord.,0,en
What does ever horse and rider do at the same time? Grow old!,0,en
What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post !,0,en
"What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out.",0,en
You know you have a problem when you go through this sub and have seen all these jokes before Lmao I really need help,0,en
This girl just spilt ice all over my record player. I played it cool,0,en
i'm impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on . how do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? like what if you find a penny,1,en
why did the janitor flush the toilet? because it was his duty .,1,en
you can lead a horse to water you can leave your horse behind. cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine,0,en
Summer was especially good this year in Canada. If I recall correctly it was a friday,1,en
Girlfriends are like boomerangs I hope...,1,en
My wife pulled this one on me the other day My wife: you know Mona Lisa Me: yeah? My Wife: well before she met me she was just Lisa,0,en
What do you call a tin boat? A hydrofoil.,1,en
Why must rabbits never miss dinner? With out their tea they'd be Rabbis.,1,en
Why was the little ink drop crying? Because his mommy was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.,0,en
Did you hear about the people who were sick in June from eating bacon past its use by date? It was mayhem.,1,en
My doctor just told me I have Alzheimers. The only thing I can do now is figure out why I'm at this hospital,1,en
How is a camera and priest alike? They both get turned on when kids are around.,1,en
why is it best to ship boxes using a ups truck? the downs truck is a little slow .,1,en
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.,0,en
q : why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? a : she didn't know where to buy left guard !,0,en
"daughter just told me , "" dad , i don't make sandwiches , i eat sandwiches. "" one day her picture will be on money",1,en
Interviewer: Where did you receive your education? Me: Yale Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate? Me: I yust got out in Yuly,1,en
"Go ahead, make up your own joke and think of it fondly as you read this.",0,en
What is the boogiemans favorite dance move? the boogie,1,en
I never took Complex Anal. in college So I had to find out about the residue theorem the hard way,1,en
give your mom what she really wants today. accept her facebook friend request,0,en
Just moved out on my own and am doing really well. All my bills say im outstanding,0,en
Why do orphans eat ice cream cones?? They can't afford family pack!,1,en
What's a British student's favourite drink? M.I.Tea,1,en
What's a moo hoo for grazing school? Grass class!,0,en
what do you get if you cross a cat with father christmas? santa claws !,0,en
The Truth About The Beatles John was the brain Paul was the heart George was the spirit Ringo was the drummer,1,en
"When Jesus comes back, how will they discover if he's Jesus or Robot Jesus? by giving him the shroud of turing test.",1,en
"I ordered a little salad before my meal and my body started to twitch. I told my waiter, but I forgot I ordered the seizure salad",1,en
customer : waiter look at this chicken! it's nothing but skin and bones . waiter : would you like the feathers too ?,1,en
"Protip: Buy your toddler a king sized bed. You're going to be spending a lot of time laying in that bed, so you might as well be comfortable",0,en
What is cowhide mostly used for? Keeping cows from falling apart.,1,en
what do you get when you cross a camera with a mirror? a camera that takes pictures of itself .,1,en
What do songwriters do after they die? They decompose,1,en
mary and joseph. now they had a stable relationship,0,en
"If there's Jenny and Lucy, could there be Jenni and Luci? Then wouldn't that make them Jennifer and Lucifer",0,en
little boy blue . he needed the money . credit: andrew dice clay,0,en
"if only they had and olympic event for facebook, my fb friend would win gold everytime in the drama event .",0,en
Karan Johar's last words to Sushant Singh Rajput Hang in there brother.,1,en
"What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday? ""Happy Birthday To Gnu!""",0,en
I identify myself as a night light because... Kids turn me on,1,en
"news is reporting a nun just had a baby. it's official , a nun is getting more action than me",1,en
Why are Mistborns always so thin? Because they're always Burning calories!,0,en
"I don't know how Valve managed to do it, but. they even included the British Pound in their summer sale this year",1,en
What did the magician say to the cell? Might I conjure Ya,0,en
"If we were to have a small food fight, would we be engaging in Morsel Combat?",1,en
I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake. But I can show you the whey,1,en
"How do you say ""virgin"" in Dutch? Goodentight",1,en
Why was the hippo afraid to go skiing? He didn't want to get hippothermia.,1,en
"i have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone .",1,en
What is a duck's favorite dance? The quackstep !,0,en
i spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer. no one will do it,0,en
Q: Why did the sheriff arrest the tree? A: Because its leaves rustled.,0,en
on what day of every week do soft drinks sell the most? thursday,1,en
jared from subway lost his job the same way he got it. by getting into smaller pants,1,en
Why did the boy peek down the toilet bowl? He was trying to find Winnie the Pooh.,0,en
"i just gave a girl my number in roman numerals. if she can figure it out , she's worth a shot",1,en
what is the difference between you and school tomorrow? i'm not going to come into school tomorrow .,0,en
How do philosophers shave off their beards? Occam's razor,1,en
Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry? They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.,1,en
what's the similarities between michael jackson and the colour changing dress? they both started out black and blue then became white and golden,1,en
I get no joy out of watching George Floyd gasping for air... ...until I get the popcorn.,0,en
"What word starts with ""p"" and ends with ""orn"" and is popular in the movie industry? Popcorn!",1,en
What disease do you get from kissing birds? Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. They say it's untweetable.,1,en
"Any good jokes involving an Armadillo, a banana and a grandmother? Just checking how creative the Humorists in Reddit are.",1,en
What did the ship captain say when his son learned to float? That's my buoy !,0,en
What do you get when David Lynch directs a remake of The Godfather? Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.,1,en
"i like to yell "" aloha , captain future! "" when i see someone using an ipad in public .",0,en
waiter what is this stuff? that's bean salad sir . i know what it's been but what is it now,0,en
why did bob get ' emo ' grass for his lawn? because it cuts itself .,0,en
When ya leave Twitter it's called twittercide. What about Instagram? Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?,0,en
What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood? Don't worry. I Noah guy,0,en
"let's all take a moment to honor national punctuation day because life would be : very , confusing! without it ?",0,en
"What's the best campsite in the world? Auschwitz, received well over three million starts",1,en
Where would men be without women? The Garden of Eden,0,en
"I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.",0,en
go to work tomorrow with a new attitude. be positive ! communicate ! hide when real work comes !,0,en
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener? He had a bee in his suit of armour !,0,en
calm down! i'm not officially late until i actually get there .,0,en
What's the worst thing about summer in America? Three months without a school shooting.,1,en
"Hunchbacks would make great detectives They can start off every investigation saying, ""Hmm, I have a hunch"".",1,en
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi,0,en
"if i say i love you , don't read too much into it. i just told this cheesecake that i love it , too",0,en
"What's the difference between a plastic tube and an adjustable spanner? Both of em are in plastic, except for the adjustable spanner",1,en
"I saw this one guy really, really beat Bobby Flay It was his ex wife's lawyer.",0,en
What type of belly buttons do cars have? Audi's.,1,en
fact : it is against league rules for an nfl player to own a pet duck. it's considered a personal fowl,1,en
"if adult diapers are called ' depends ', then baby diapers should be called ' definitely ' .",1,en
What does Stevie Wonder call his money? Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend,1,en
Did you hear about the boxing pirate? He had a mean left hook.,1,en
Why didn't the math teacher sin? Cosecant.,0,en
What did the vegan Neanderthal say when walking in to the woman's bathroom? Chickpea,1,en
"What do buzzards in Kansas eat? Carrion, my wayward son.",1,en
What is dio Brando's favourite food A doughnutyoin,0,en
What did Leonardo DiCaprio say when he planted a seed? Inception,0,en
"Not really a joke Girl dyed her hair red, I asked ""does the carpet match the drapes? She said, no; ""Waxed hardwood floor""",1,en
What do Atilla the Hun and John the Baptist have in common? Their middle name.,1,en
Why was the Scandinavian atheist warm? He had Thor doubt.,1,en
why did the origami artist never win a poker match? because he will always fold .,1,en
Whats Dj Khaleds Favourite Jetski Brand? Kawasakey,0,en
I like jokes about the eyes. The cornea the better,1,en
"A GoFundMe, so I can buy an avocado.",0,en
What is green and flies above Poland? Peter Pansky,0,en
"I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time. It will be called ""Do You Have The Skillet Takes""",1,en
"What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM A blonde going through a flashing red light. No offense to blondes lol",0,en
Big Ben walks up to the club like... ...what up? I got a big clock.,0,en
What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone? An oncologist,1,en
have you ever seen a blind person reading braille in public? neither have they,1,en
If men call short women petite. What do women call short men? Friends.,1,en
So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures. But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market,1,en
i was the second person on the moon. neil before me !,0,en
What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii? Moo moos,1,en
"Please pray for me.. Tomorrow I will be going to the hospital, I think there is something wrong with my eyes. Every time I look in my wallet I see nothing.",0,en
"Ted Bundy: Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer? Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and jerry.",0,en
If all the girls who went to my high school prom were laid end to end. It wouldn't surprise me at all,1,en
ordered some christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. cost me an arm and a leg,0,en
"Did you hear about the Touched by an Angel spinoff? Probably not, Touched By a Priest just never caught on with the public.",1,en
My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone,0,en
why are doctors always calm? they have a lot of patients . sorry .,1,en
"no one spoil the ending, i haven't finished the itunes user agreement yet !",0,en
Got an A on my paper. Time to write the rest of it,0,en
Just been told I've got the job as a mime. I'm speechless,1,en
"No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast",0,en
"War crimes, helium balloons, sphincter control; just some of the things ""Let it Go"" doesn't apply to.",1,en
"people ask me why i don't have any tattoos. i tell em "" would you put a bumper sticker on your ferrari ?",1,en
I saw a pest company that claimed to have killed the most pests It's called the Police Force of America ,1,en
I once found a Catholic russian. I told him that was very unorthodox.,1,en
"asked what i look for in a relationship. apparently , "" a way out "" wasn't the right answer",1,en
"whenever my teen cleans his room, i get a brand new set of dishes .",1,en
what is the most unexpected part of a fast food meal? the element of some fries .,1,en
"Hey man, you heard what happened to Kobe? You mean Kowas?",0,en
"wife : you're so lucky , i'm like a trophy wife! me : wow , i'd hate to see what they gave to the second place guy .",0,en
the vocabulary theater is now open! i heard they have a clever word play,1,en
How do you call a gamer tortoise? Gamera,0,en
"My favorite thing about Reddit.. ...is how it already knows your gonna like your own comment or post, so it does it for you.",0,en
"i can move things with my mind. like , my arms",1,en
What did the receptionist at the Sperm Bank say as the patients were leaving? Thanks for coming.,1,en
my wife said she's had enough of me because i always get my directions mixed up. so i just packed my bags and right,1,en
I saw a special needs couple today. They really put the re in relationship.,0,en
I recently realised that tofu is over rated. It's just a curd to me. Source: some organic food companies truck in Auckland.,0,en
want a stable relationship? get a horse !,0,en
I don't like coconut so I don't eat coconut. I don't follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor,1,en
You know what my favorite type of cupholder is? A bra.,0,en
What do you call a Burberry Style Transforming Truck? Optimush Prime... Hahaaa.,1,en
"to err is human, to arr is pirate .",0,en
What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays? The week force.,1,en
what's green and lays in a ditch while covered in cookie crumbs? the girl scout that got hit by a car .,0,en
"the hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "" we're going for a break now, we'll be back later """,1,en
"me : how long have we had that pillow? wife : no idea memory foam pillow : two years , five months and two days",0,en
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.,0,en
Weddings are like laundry The colors don't mix,1,en
What does Agatha Christie call a group of almost every type of bird? A Murder of Most Fowls!,1,en
"a "" clear memory "" button , but for my brain. and while we're at it , a "" delete cookies "" button , but for my thighs",0,en
"a wise meteorologist once told me threedots dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have .",1,en
i had another server go down on me at work. it's just how i interview waiting staff,1,en
"My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them",1,en
"I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don't need someone pointing to a picture and saying, ""That's him.""",1,en
what do apple and blackberry have in common? neither one has jobs .,1,en
What is Vladimir Putin's favourite subject? Computin science,0,en
What's it called when you try a different flavor of salsa? A change of pace.,1,en
Who's best at riding solo among all Star Wars character? Princess Leia.,0,en
"Have you ever heard of the lost Indian tribe the Halarwi? they walk around the forest saying ""were the halarwi""",1,en
I've got a hot auntie that works for the electric board. Do you wanna meter?,0,en
What so depressed kids use to cook? A cutting board.,1,en
Short speech at my relatives funeral.. Well...that's one less person disappointed in me.,0,en
"I heard there's a cool list of young upcoming SoundCloud rappers with lots of potential for future fame, success and artistic genius The Obituaries",0,en
Why don't basketball cheerleaders do the splits? They stick to the floor!,1,en
therapist : so why doesn't the marriage work? wife : my husband uses to many star wars puns husband : divorce is strong in this one,1,en
"Honey, let's make this cactUS a cacti. What I'm saying is I want a divorce, and I'm taking the cactus with me",1,en
"""I'm constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance."" I just said that.",1,en
What costs more than an iPhone X? Hitler's gas bill.,0,en
what happened when the wheel was invented? it caused a revolution .,1,en
"An electrical engineer is talking to a blonde the blonde asks: ""What do you do for a living? "" The engineer replies "" I make chips"" ""Oh yummy!""",1,en
What sport do Japanese people watch? Desuball,1,en
Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month Turns out I have highiabetes,1,en
I've spent the past week learning escapology. I need to get out more,0,en
"side chicks are getting leftover halloween candy for valentine's day "" why'd you give me ghost shaped candy? "" "" cuz you my boo """,1,en
The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law,1,en
"these days it seems like all the talented promisimg sandwich artists work for Subway, churning out the same lifeless corporate sandwibch art",1,en
"Boy that Neil Patrick Harris is a real, man's man.",0,en
"if my grandmother was on twitter, i bet most of her tweets would be about raisins .",1,en
What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar? An iMage.,1,en
"just changed my dating profile headline to: "" seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives "" threedots crossing my fingers",1,en
Guys play video games to let their inner child out Girls have abortions to do the same.,1,en
how does a ninja shop for groceries? no one knows .,1,en
why did a gun go to the barber? because it's bangs were getting long !,0,en
In spanish. it only takes one to tengo,1,en
like most movies. i show big things in my trailer,1,en
People are always asking me for advice. I finally have some to give: Make every light switch a dimmer switch,1,en
Why did the orange move to veggieland? So he could live in peas and hominy.,0,en
Just donated a kidney. Hope somebody checks that Goodwill box,0,en
what's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull doing so? the pit bull gets to finish .,1,en
What sinks in water when you add ice? The Titanic.,0,en
"conversation between two psychologists "" i've developed a way to study patience "" "" what kind of patients? "" "" all of them """,1,en
"What did Dora the Explorer say when she signed up for Tinder? Swiper, no swiping! ",0,en
What does Mexican binary code consist of? Zeros and Juans.,1,en
who ate those tomatoes? tom ate those .,0,en
how to find a girl in pic on internet? don't find any result on google,0,en
Why do hippie girls never get pregnant? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?,1,en
What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender? Shredded Tweet !,0,en
Where is your dishwasher located In her room,0,en
"I always sigh and say ""I love you, "" followed by a long silent pause just to see how bad telemarketers really want the sale.",1,en
What happend when the bike ran over a nail? It popped a wheelie.,0,en
"Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.",0,en
What does the M is Misogyny stand for? What does the M in Misogyny stand for? Myth.,1,en
"what weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel , but hardly ever moves? your mom .",0,en
The Chinese love you Expect the children,0,en
I was digging in my garden and found a box full of coins I ran to my wife to tell her but i then i remembered why i was digging in the first place,1,en
why are dogs bad at dancing? they have two left feet,1,en
"what is that the more you desire , the less you can get? beautiful girls .",0,en
"my kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle .",1,en
What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home? The shadow of his former shelf.,0,en
What is important in relationships? Reflexivity and transitivity.,1,en
Some guy just stole my wallet. He's now the poorest man in town,0,en
why should you never stand behind elsa from frozen? you never know when she'll let it go .,0,en
my roommate says i don't respect personal space. that's at least what it says in his diary,1,en
"Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.",1,en
I got my grandmother a gift for a party she was having. Turns out they already got her a casket.,0,en
"vaginas are like the weather if its wet, its time to go inside .",1,en
"Ever hear of ""organic"" grapes? Yeah, they're called Raisens.",1,en
"The next time you're tempted to crack an easy joke about a typo on a Chinese menu, consider how well you write in Mandarin or Cantonese.",1,en
Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.,0,en
"why is the letter "" o "" everywhere? because it's a round u .",1,en
I once told my friend he was dead to me. I cried during the burial,1,en
"People who comment with 'goose bums' on YouTube videos, more power to you!",0,en
""" you've got this, "" i say to myself every time i look up something on webmd .",0,en
What was the weather in Aushwitz ? Hot like a furnace.,0,en
What do they always forget to do after filming a season of Game of Thrones? The last one out is meant to get the Wights,1,en
"whenever someone says they have "" a thing "" for me, i secretly hope it's a pony .",1,en
"i'll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese "" so you want a cheeseburger? "" yes but when you bring it to me say here's your salad",1,en
did you hear about the failed origami shop? if folded .,1,en
therapist : so your parents also suffered from depression? me : no they both liked it,1,en
remember that time i made that funny joke? me neither .,0,en
her : what brings you to speed dating? me : i just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous gf bought for me .,0,en
I recently watched a documentary about how ships are put together It was riveting,1,en
What's the fastest curry in the world? Usain Balti..,0,en
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's witness with a business man? A door to door salesman!,0,en
What is isis favorite Pink Floyd album? The Final Cut,1,en
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.,0,en
I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.,0,en
What did the librarian say to the travel agent? Find what you're booking for,1,en
"children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children .",0,en
where do snowmen go to dance? to snowballs .,1,en
"When my wife says 'we need to talk', it actually means she's going to talk a lot and I'm going to sit there and listen.",1,en
"I got into a fight with the son of Odin.. I wasn't feeling well that day and when he was done with me, I said.. you're loki",0,en
"Her: Sir, you account has been hacked. Me: Twitter? Her: No. Your Bank acc. Me: Ooooh Thank God.",0,en
"out of all the lies i've ever told, "" just kidding "" is my favourite .",1,en
"People who generalize. I would finish the joke, but redditors are smart enough to see where it's going",1,en
I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Lays,0,en
What's a Frenchmen's favorite vacation? A retreat.,0,en
Last year kids were asking Santa for toys Now they are asking for bulletproof vests,1,en
What is the difference between a Jew and the San Antonio Spurs The Spurs can beat the heat,1,en
Some lettuce is better than others It shall romaine nameless.,0,en
what did we call it before computers? the mail room,1,en
"what if steven hawking threedots what if steven hawking is the real slim shady, but we don't know because he cant stand up .",0,en
"My friends and I started a band. A conceptual band made of only violins, cello, and a stand up base. String Theory ",1,en
"i used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon .",0,en
Why does Jared Fogle like all the jokes about him? Because they are about five years old at this point.,1,en
Who is the most famous DJ in Australia? DJ Redo,1,en
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It's like buying a bicycle,1,en
I argued with a blind man once He just wouldn't see my point,1,en
My girlfriend said its impossible to severely injure yourself while masterbating... So I managed to pull it off.,0,en
GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: You look great GUY: Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: No,1,en
"There was a moment of silence after the events of Columbine I mean, duh, dead people can't make any more noise.",0,en
What are the four fastest hands in the world? ...when it slips out.,0,en
Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands. but I think he's a pretty sharp guy,1,en
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth? at the stock market,1,en
"ME: ""I don't like this movie."" HIM: ""We are at a funeral."" ME: ""Who directed this? "" HIM: ""A bear attack."" ME: ""Never heard of him.""",1,en
Whats the difference between kids and terminal illness? You can't beat terminal illness.,0,en
What are Kim Kardashian and Osama bin laden best known for? Blow jobs,1,en
"why do gorillas have big nostrils? because they have big fingers . my favorite clean joke , by far .",1,en
i don't mind the nsa reading my word documents. it means that at least someone will read the first draft of my novel,1,en
My SO is on a diet and I noticed she was staring at her food so I asked why. She said 'I'm watching what I eat',1,en
Similarity between a blonde and an omnivore? Both like to put a variety of things inside their body.,1,en
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me,0,en
"During Christmas, we celebrate Jesus How he went from the womb to the tomb",1,en
"Do you know what ""La Quinta"" means in Spanish? Next to Denny's",1,en
"my current girlfriend is very similar to my last one threedots for instance, neither of them exist .",1,en
"Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, . . but . . . . not each others phones..!",0,en
Where do dogs shop for groceries? Wagmans.,1,en
Why is pumice asking for money? It is the porous rock,1,en
What is a tampon's favorite food? Scrambled egg,0,en
My friend told this great lumberjack joke the other day. But no one was around to hear it,0,en
"when complaining of a stomach ache , you don't really need to point to it or pat it gently. people pretty much know where the stomach is",1,en
What do you call a waterfall that's all dried up? A waterfell.,1,en
"i don't throw people under the bus because there's a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which i'm not okay with .",0,en
What's the difference between an anorexic and a lemon? You can squeeze a lemon,0,en
"i know we have cell phones and the internet, but i kinda expected the world to look like Tron by now.",0,en
If olive oil is made with squished up olives and nut oil is made with squished up nuts. What's baby oil made from,1,en
"i went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked .",0,en
"It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.",1,en
joke how do you find ronald mcdonald on a naked beach? his sesame seed buns !,0,en
you said you run for fun? you know we have the internet now,0,en
Why is a washing machine the best society? Because the colours are separated from the whites,1,en
What do whales do on dates? Netflix and Krill,0,en
What do you use to determine if a refrigerated burger is cold enough? A thermomeater!,0,en
Man this is so delicious! Can I have the recipe? Please give me the recipe,0,en
"If you could own the entirety of Bill Gates' fortune or solve world hunger,. what color would your Lamborghini be",1,en
Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes,0,en
"a mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. he says ""uno, dos..."" and then promptly disappeared without a tres.",1,en
"when summer comes and california starts burning, try to act surprised .",1,en
"remember, when someone claims to be a girl threedots he could be a guy in real life .",0,en
Why do orpans miss half of their basketball season? Because they dont have home games.,1,en
"And how would you like that cooked? ""I like my steak like I like my Pokemon... Rare""",0,en
I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection? Not movies.,1,en
"Ellin Pao is a perfect redditor. A predditor, if you will",0,en
what did the rising sun say to the morning dew? you will be mist .,0,en
"What do you get when you remove the word ""Walking"" from a famous TV show? The Stuntman",1,en
English is difficult It can be understood though through tough thorough thought,1,en
what do you call a man who lives in a back street? ali .,1,en
"In the Super Mario Bros movie, instead of a gag reel, did they have. bloopers",1,en
My buddy asked me what self explanatory meant. I didn't know what to say,1,en
why doesn't a skeleton fall in love with a human. maybe it's because the skeleton doesn't have a heart,1,en
i'd say my girlfriend is a five. if you count the thumb,0,en
"What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector? One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.",1,en
"a car goes to the grocery store threedots for the first time, who didn't see one's part because it was the only one left",1,en
I went to buy some classical music today. But I forgot my Chopin Liszt,1,en
What's Pingu's favourite band? Slipnoot.,0,en
Why can't disabled people work at McDonald's? Because they don't sell vegetable burgers.,1,en
"My friend likes to beat his meat in the grocery store Which makes sense, as he's a butcher. ",1,en
"it's funny how you can tell when someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you .",0,en
q : what did dahmer do when he finished his vegetables? a : he threw away their wheelchairs !,0,en
I always thought soy milk. was just introducing itself in Spanish,1,en
What's the difference between acne and my confirmation preast? Acne waited till puberty before it came in my face.,1,en
"What do we want...? ""LOW FLYING AIRPLANES! "" When do we want it? ""NEEEEOOOOOOOOOOW""",1,en
me : do you want a burger or a hot dog? her : neither . i'm vegan . me : feel free to eat as much grass as you want .,0,en
What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom At least until you wash the sheets ,0,en
what did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house? i don't think you understand the gravity of the situation .,0,en
"Professor, please tell us about discrete physical values in quantum mechanics. Sure, one moment",0,en
Why did two ferrets decide to meet? They were trying to start a business.,1,en
What time is Thor on in the cinema? Thor Thirty,0,en
Fantasy: We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field. Her side is mined,1,en
you want to hear the best joke ever? repost,0,en
"Me: I ate all the chips. Wife: What!? For the boys' lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its. Me: You're not going to believe this",0,en
"An old couple was found dead in a drive in theater. they came to see the movie ""Closed for Winter""",1,en
"When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.",1,en
"how come there are no jared fogle jokes on reddit? no i mean it im just asking ,",0,en
"i work at a restraunt and we got a call asking if we deliver. I said no we do lamb, chicken and fish.",1,en
Opinions are like mixtapes. I don't want to hear yours,1,en
"So two guys walks into a bar. One of them says ""Ouch""",1,en
why did the women's studies major go to college? to study a broad,1,en
"if your problem can't be solved by me saying "" that's messed up "" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn't come to me for help",1,en
i am going bananas. that's what i say to my bananas before i leave in the morning,1,en
What's the motto of the Greek army? Never leave your buddy's behind.,1,en
"Why is yoda a bad navigator? ""are we going the right way?"" Yoda: ""Off course, we are""",1,en
"My son asked if I've ever witnessed a real magician I replied ""Yes, your dad, he came inside me and disappeared right after""",1,en
My visit to china was very peaceful. I didn't hear any barking all week.,1,en
why do soccer players not play in the rain? it makes their makeup run .,1,en
my neighbor's kids said they loved sneakers. they're huge vans of them,1,en
Superman biggest weakness is not kryptonite. It's horses,0,en
What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment? A phantomime !,0,en
Why didn't your child come back after church? Because the priest wanted to tutor him,0,en
The only girl who ever texts me. Is Amber Alert,0,en
q : what's the good part about having alzheimer's? you can hide your own easter eggs .,0,en
Why don't violists get stressed? Because they have nothing to fret about!,0,en
children in the dark cause accidents. accidents in the dark cause children,1,en
I always ask myself whether I'm schizophrenic But the voices inside my head tell me no and I trust them,1,en
"did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk? that's nuts , right",1,en
whats the name of the band with the most hits? the hitlers !,1,en
"i love getting kisses from my dogs but, i'm starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue .",1,en
what's the difference between a concentration camp and a cancer treatment facility? concentration camps had survivors .,1,en
"I went to read the dictionary, but... My aardvark had the exact same idea before me. He didn't really get far.",0,en
What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight? Civilwar!,0,en
"They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician But they'll see, they'll all see.",1,en
what do you get when threedots what do you get when you mix a joke and a rhetorical question? a rhetorical answer,1,en
"i wondered why everyone said i had "" bed hair "", until i looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head .",1,en
What's below the Pyrenees? A pair of ankles,1,en
r slash DarkJokesNoBots This is a fresh new start,0,en
May I buy half a rabbit? No we don't split hares!,0,en
Why did the tree fall on the computer? It wanted to log in.,0,en
"How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree! I may not be a girl, but I'm blonde and find blonde jokes hilarious. xD",0,en
"well done , you are popular on social media. sorry about the rest of your life",0,en
What is Rickon Stark's favourite band? One Direction.,0,en
how is a telephone like a dirty bathtub? they both have rings !,0,en
"my girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so i showed her pictures of me before we met .",1,en
luke skywalker uses the force. the force uses chuck norris,1,en
I bought a new flat last week. I use it as my spare,1,en
REQUIRED : A content developer. Salary commensurate with contentment,1,en
What breed of dog will unlock your front door?  Yorkie,0,en
My parents always told me that school comes first? Then me immediately after.,1,en
"whenever barry allen is around, everything happens in a flash",0,en
"Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.",1,en
the story of snow white teaches us something very important: never eat fruit .,1,en
how do you tune a fish? with its scales !,0,en
wife : what do you want to do for you birthday? me : not answer any more questions .,0,en
"I've been making an effort lately to be better with women. I'm trying to be more assertive, as well as insertive",1,en
I was promised today would be a new day. This feels suspiciously like a used Wednesday,0,en
What do you call a grasshopper with no legs? A grasshover !,1,en
"If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer. oh wait, he does",0,en
you know what seems odd to me? numbers that can't be divided by two .,0,en
Has anyone here seen the Matthew McConaughey movie where he keeps getting grouchy in the early evenings and no one can figure out why...? Failure to Lunch,1,en
why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks? it was a comma dating .,1,en
What is the best url for a bukkake website? www.facefullof.com edit: wow i did not know this lead to an actual site,0,en
Multiple Sclerosis For those too greedy to have only one,1,en
"My neighbour lost his sons, i wonder what he's going through It could be coffin brochures.",0,en
What do you find in a pumpkins pants? A Halloweenie!,0,en
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately. Probably because I wear his name tag when he's not there,1,en
I dont see why people are tposing now Even jesus tried it and it was a terrible way to spend easter.,0,en
To the guy that found my empty wallet. I don't know how to repay you,0,en
"what's the matter? hydrogen , mostly .",1,en
"When you ask her ""Have you ever read Shakespeare?"" And she answers ""No, who wrote it?"" .... Keep moving.",1,en
How does a burger acquire good taste? With a little seasoning!,0,en
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? They both look good until they hit the ice.,1,en
"You know, that Poisson distribution is really strange. It's just not Normal",1,en
"jomomma. ninja Jo Mamma is so Ninja, that even Chuck Norris sent her a Friend request",0,en
q : what is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire? a : lawn chair .,0,en
What is an angel's favorite font? Sans Seraph,0,en
"if dolphins are so smart, how come they're never on jeopardy ?",1,en
"Her: ""Is that you in your avi? "" Me: ""No, it's a picture of me.""",1,en
Are you a rational function? because I could ride your asymptote to infinity.,1,en
What's one thing the Hulk would struggle tearing down? The fourth wall,0,en
"there are two kinds of people: those who know how to do math in binary , and those who don't !",1,en
What do you call the kid of an Iceland and Cuban parents? Ice cubes.,1,en
I had an idea for a suit made entirely of banana skins. but no one seemed to find it very appealing,1,en
"my mom just sent me a friend request on facebook. this is a typical "" no right answer "" type of situation",1,en
Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation? He didn't want any beef.,1,en
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio,1,en
My friend threw a block of cheese at me today. I said 'that's not very mature',1,en
What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures? A Sven diagram!,0,en
What did the cop say to the salad? Everyone romaine calm!,1,en
How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice fishing? Four. One to cut the hole in the ice and three to push the boat through.,1,en
what does batman do for father's day? nothing,0,en
Why didn't the vegan gamble at the meat raffle? Didn't want a brisket,1,en
what do you take before every meal? a seat .,1,en
I lost my dictionary today. I can't find the words to express how I feel,1,en
What do you call a Christian who comes to your door to sell you vacuum cleaners? A Jehoover's Witness,1,en
what do you do if you get a peanut stuck in your ear? pour in a little chocolate and it comes out a treat .,0,en
"Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask ""where am I? "" and whatever they say I runaway screaming ""Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!""",1,en
her : which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? me : one who knows how to fix elevators .,1,en
I played hide and seek with my grandpa He is really good at it. I didn't find him until his funeral.,0,en
the man who invented chinese whispers has died. pass it on,0,en
"Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all. So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter",0,en
"during the day i don't believe in ghosts, but at night i'm a little bit more open minded",1,en
What did the German clock maker say to the broken clock? Ve haff vays of making you tock!,0,en
I once knew a man with two monocles. He made made a right spectacle of himself,1,en
what rhymes with computer? no it doesn't threedots,0,en
Why did the Louvre tour guide work for pennies? Because this docent makes any cents.,1,en
"A Cheerio just fell out of my bra, and suddenly I realize food gets more action than I do.",1,en
"ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u",0,en
what type of train can a ginger not ride? a soul train,1,en
did you hear about the man in camo underpants? nobody saw him coming !,0,en
me : we broke up. male friend : you okay ? you need to talk ? shoulder to cry on ? you want to come over ? go to dinner ? sleep with me finally ?,0,en
"plan "" t "" is going to work out, i have a good feeling about this one .",0,en
The Lannister family. Is so inbred that they are one step away from being sandwiches,1,en
What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman? He invited her over to net fish and krill.,1,en
You guys know why I don't drink fancy coffees? cos they cost a latte.,0,en
If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked me for money. I'd still say no,1,en
"Clean up face  A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast B: What was it? A: Eggs. B: No, that was yesterday. ",0,en
What is a maps favorite place to go? Disney world to look at kids,0,en
"i once called a psychic. she asked who was on the line , so i hung up",1,en
Why did god create Eve? Because the animals in the garden needed a break,0,en
What do you give an actor playing the role of an angry street gang member? Mad props...,1,en
Have you read the sequel to Anne Franks diary? Anne goes to camp.,0,en
"I went to the doctor for a checkup. A friend asked ""Which doctor? "" I replied ""No, a medical one.""",1,en
"Did you hear Kevin Trudeau is working on a new book? It's called Prison Yard Secrets ""They"" Don't Want You to Know About.",1,en
what is the longest rope in the world? europe,0,en
My roommate asked me why I'd invited a bunch of Parisian newspaper men over for breakfast. I told him I always make coffee with the French press,1,en
"""The Church youth service was beautiful,"" I told the priest. ""Next time, try doggystyle.""",0,en
thought of this one at breakfast today q : what's the worst kind of jam? a : a traffic jam !,0,en
q : why is the most intelligent part of your body so intelligent? a : because it nose .,0,en
what do you call a crisis where you're the same before and after? an identity crisis !,0,en
why did the clam go to jail? for setting up illegal shell companies !,0,en
When I become a teacher I will give homework to the homeless student,1,en
What do you call a drummer who has lost one of his drumsticks? A conductor.,1,en
How is coronavirus like your mom? They're easily spreadable,1,en
"when a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, i get an entirely different picture in my head .",1,en
"What do you use to hear a ""Booty Call"" in Ukraine? A baby monitor.",1,en
What was John Lennon's first hit? His wife.,1,en
How do Jedi plan for retirement? With a Hoth IRA. I'll see myself out.,1,en
What do you call a chef with down syndrome? A Slow Cooker,1,en
"Guy getting on elevator in my office building.."" Going Down? "" Me: ""No, but I've got time for a hug""",0,en
"a man started telling a joke, but he started with the punch line threedots what did you expect ?",0,en
What's the worlds saddest pizza? Pepperlonely.,0,en
What do you call a person with a gender studies degree? Unemployed,1,en
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look !,0,en
what do you call an inbred cow? a sandwich !,1,en
why did the chinese kangaroo turn red? because it was making a great leap forward .,1,en
"I'm a huge fan Well, I used to be. now I'm an air conditioner",1,en
What's the difference between a family reunion and a KKK rally in the South? The clothes they're wearing.,1,en
Things kids and clothes have in common. Put a burning iron to them and they straighten up real fast.,1,en
How do you evolve an Eevee into a ghost type? You use a special stone called a brick,0,en
Have you heard about the dog breeder who became an Olympic hurdler? She had a great pair o' knees.,1,en
"the barista can't deal with the man's ' don't talk to me until i've had my coffee ' shirt . her mouth opens, then closes . the line grows .",1,en
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.,1,en
i spent an hour explaining how wifi works to my dad and my dog. the dog gets it,0,en
what do you call a sad tree? mourning wood,1,en
"For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate",1,en
whats the difference between a hispanic and a book. the book has papers,1,en
What is it called when a baby dies during birth? Same day shipping,1,en
I didnt know we had a gun range here in town! They even have targets that run away!,0,en
What do you call a panda that graduates last in its class from medical school? Dr. Bear Li,1,en
"did you hear about that deaf guy that tried climbing mount everest? neither did he . worst part was , no one ever heard from him again .",1,en
Want to double your money overnight? Keep it in front of a mirror,0,en
"I live with my wife in a two story house. ""I'm too tired"" and ""I have a headache"" are the only two stories I hear",1,en
"I'm starting a new Egyptian fraternity, would you like to join? It's called Delta Delta Delta.",1,en
Why wasn't Jesus any good at math? Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.,1,en
I told my friend she'd fit in pretty well in the finance industry. She said she likes to work with animals.,1,en
What does a cow measure its harddrive in? Moogabytes,1,en
"How does a German call an Irishman? Komm, Sean!",1,en
Why do bulls not carry cash? They prefer to charge.,1,en
"What did the bird say in gratitude? ""Thank"", then it cooed.",1,en
Why are some people great but others not? They don't give a reason for everything,0,en
What did the conformist say to the Guru? You make me Sikh!,1,en
"hey guys , wanna hear a joke? feminism .",0,en
"I'm so baked, That I'm two apples and three tablespoons of sugar away from a fruit pie.",0,en
"did snoop dogg really change his name, or is snoop lion ?",0,en
what do you and ronda rousey have in common? you will both be watching the next title fight from home .,0,en
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy,1,en
I collect ginger and the other Asian spices. I guess I have a wasabi hobby,1,en
why did the cat stop singing? because it was out of tuna .,1,en
"pants coworker : "" do you wear the same pair of pants every day? "" me : "" no , i just have fifty shades of grey . """,1,en
What do ordering a wife in Thailand and ordering at mcdonalds have in common? I prefer the kids menu.,1,en
How did Genghis Khan conquer Mongolia? One steppe at a time.,1,en
my problem is i take things too literally. like when my wife said she'd give an arm and a leg to lose weight,1,en
"So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, ""that's really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction""",1,en
i never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until i was without a job for a week. now i don't get why people have jobs,1,en
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy. but filled with bees so they're not too happy,0,en
What do you call a blind german guy? A not see.,1,en
How did Han Solo enter the world? On the perineum falcon!,0,en
"what did the physicist say to the depressed hippy? "" there's no such thing as negative energy """,1,en
why did the cave hate miners? they're always picking on him .,1,en
"What is something you can say about your GF and chocolate Store in a cool, dry place",0,en
I really like the concept of train tickets. It's an idea I could get onboard with,1,en
Why did the girl reject iron oxide? Because it was FeO,0,en
Shocked to see Gravity win a special effects award. Thought it was actually filmed in space,1,en
why was the doctor screaming angrily at his secretary? he ran out of patients .,1,en
"My Doctor just diagnosed me with Tom Jones Syndrome... ""Is it common? "" I said. ""Well..."" He replied ""It's not unusual""",1,en
What colour pants do you need to start a vehicle? Khaki,1,en
What do you call a mummy on a horse? A knight in Charmin armor.,1,en
What did the neckbeard say when he looked in the mirror? M'self,0,en
"If a baby horse swears at it's mother, would this be classed as foal language?",0,en
What is Justin Beiber's favourite Hozier song? Take me to Christian Bell.,0,en
i work as a waiter. the pay isn't great but i put food on the table,1,en
"What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner? Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.",0,en
What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned? A philosopher. Cuz he's a deep thinker.,0,en
"I'm sorry, your photo is so confusing. You're gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what's going on here",0,en
"time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go .",0,en
A plant goes to a university. It is a STEM major,1,en
What is a statistician's favorite shoe brand? Converse,0,en
"Where did Santa meet his wife? Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses",1,en
Why do my eyes hurt? Because I got eye lashes.,1,en
"may i get your name? yes , its "" i'm the only person here waiting for coffee . """,0,en
Necessity is the mother of Cessity. Also Shaquanda,1,en
"Mom called it puppy love, The doctor called it an unusual attraction to an animal",1,en
Why did Jonny tell David not to come to school tomorrow? He wasn't on the hit list,1,en
"Rolf Harris went on the run... Police tracked him down and found him adrift at sea, bobbin up and down on a buoy.",1,en
"I forget. What's that Mexican dish called with rice, chicken, beans, guacamole, cheese and salsa",1,en
You know what I call drowsy driving? Multitasking.,0,en
Time was the greatest healer for my suicidal son. He jumped off the top of Big Ben.,0,en
What's a slave's favorite type of music? House,1,en
"There are two categories of people in this world, graceful and clumsy. I always seem to fall into the ladder",1,en
you catch a giraffe with giraffe bait . you catch an elephant with elephant bait . how do you catch a click? clickbait,0,en
What is the first sign of spring? Two rednecks carrying a heater into the pawn shop.,1,en
The one thing learning the guitar has taught me Is how to finger A minor,1,en
son you're getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own; bathing the cat for starters,1,en
What happens when a blonde wins a gold medal at the Olympics? She has it bronzed.,1,en
What did Jesus become after they nailed him to the cross? Holey.,1,en
"every time student loan rates double, the price of solo cups should get cut in half .",1,en
"hey, i'm joking; my sister was never a cutter. you know how hard it is to be a cutter with your hands full of football team",0,en
"change is hard, especially the nickel .",1,en
circles. i don't see the point in them,1,en
"when people say they want to adopt a puppy, i wonder if it's because they can't have puppies of their own .",1,en
How did the Mexican greet people in Hawaii? Ahola.,1,en
What's the best part about dating a depressed girl? She won't resist when she's not in the mood.,1,en
When did John McEnroe arrive at Wimbledon? About tennish.,1,en
My mother is getting married today I am the one that she is marrying ,0,en
Whats the similarities between a pedo and a deck of cards ? They both stop at twelve.,1,en
i used to give really good advice. then i got my wisdom teeth taken out,1,en
Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing,0,en
"I realized today that my bed sheets are covered in layers of dead skin cells. It's okay though, I'm comfortable in my own skin",1,en
Q: What can you do if you don't like the Prelude in C Sharp Minor? A: Turn Rachmanin off.,0,en
"The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. They gave me another one, free of charge.",1,en
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centred lives already in progress,1,en
"people say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat .",1,en
What fever did Joe Dirt catch on vacation after getting bit by a mosquito? Deeeeeeeeeeengue,0,en
I was at a store and I saw some yogurt in a big bag with a spout. I guess that you could say the yogurt was pour quality,1,en
hodor is the ultimate gentleman! he always holds the door .,0,en
"STEVE: ""Wanna go star gazing tonight?"" ME: ""What is that? Like a sci fi movie?"" S: ""No we watch stars. "" M: ""Wars or Trek?""",1,en
My friends say I'm frugal. I'm not buying it,1,en
How do you call mosquitoes where you live? We don't. They just come unwanted,1,en
"we are friends until the waiter sets that plate of nachos down on the table, then we are mortal enemies",1,en
why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? it lives on ice !,0,en
"i know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. cause once you say "" i do "" your right hand is gonna be awful busy",0,en
"Did you hear about the sequel to Snakes on a Plane with giant, poisonous centipedes? It got cancelled. There wasn't enough legroom.",0,en
My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo. Now I have to fill her slot,1,en
"i got a fitbit to get a sense for my activity level after a few days of wearing it, it asked if i was a tree",1,en
what do you get if king kong sits on your piano? a flat note .,0,en
why shouldn't you listen to people who have just come out of the swimming pool? because they are all wet .,0,en
"David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.",1,en
Why do people say cancer is hard to beat? People always tell me cancer is hard to beat but I'm already on stage four.,1,en
who is the best underwater transformer? octopus prime !,0,en
What's a thief's favorite type of armour? Steel armour,1,en
"Meta I asked my friend "" you know what is the best type of joke? A meta joke.""",1,en
"Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.",1,en
Why can't a soldier look wistfully across the horizon? Because there are no gaze in the military,1,en
"I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you're looking for a life coach or whatever.",1,en
"What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess? ""It's stale, mate.""",1,en
"A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee",1,en
I'm not sure where Heisenberg is. But I know he's not with Pauli,0,en
counselor : how many times did i tell you to make your bed? jane : i can't answer . i didn't know i was supposed to keep count !,0,en
i dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. at least i know where i stand now,1,en
"Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references ""yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids""",1,en
"What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after? The Weasley twins",1,en
There was a boy who lived down my street who always got concussions! He lived just a stone throw away.,0,en
"The President of Nintendo Died. The ambulance went WII U, WII U, WII U",0,en
"I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?",0,en
Why do baby birds love Amy Schumer's comedy? They can't handle anything that hasn't been consumed and regurgitated.,1,en
I have a really bad phobia of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it,0,en
you ever seen a really beautiful woman that you wanna go talk to? but then you think she's gonna freak out when you walk out of her closet,0,en
what is a dog's favourite easter treat? jelly bones !,0,en
Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store? Because they are all looking for their pere,1,en
How did the depressed man get around town? Moped,1,en
"What begins with P and ends with orn? Popcorn, of course!",0,en
I went to my favorite Indian restaurant today. Got the footlong turkey on wheat,0,en
Why type of nut do Wallflowers like? Walnuts,1,en
What's the best thing about being homeless. You don't have to duck and cover during an earthquake,1,en
What does Monsieur Homer say after spilling water on himself? D'EAU!,1,en
Why didn't the doctor treat the orphan? He was a family physician.,1,en
"They say laughter is the best medicine But no matter how hard I laugh at my depressed son, he always just mopes around.",1,en
I went on a date with a librarian last night and it cost me a fortune. Was my own fault really... ...keeping her out too long.,0,en
How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog? With relish.,1,en
"If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.",1,en
"Spoof Caller ID Call from a different number. Disguise your caller id, it's easy and works on any phone!",0,en
I thought I had discovered a new color... ... but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.,1,en
"every time i consider being healthy, i remember pizza .",1,en
What type of Donuts do cops hate ? Chocolate Donuts,1,en
You ever sit and think Man i wonder if she would put up a good fight,0,en
"I'm the last one on Earth. My diet is now peanut butter, honey please come back",0,en
music class i was always in trouble in music class. now i play the bass so its good,1,en
rearrange the letters n g g i e r to make it a word ginger,1,en
"why didn't you come to the halloween party? i was at the halloween party as a ninja . "" but i didn't see you there . "" "" exactly . """,0,en
q : how did the ghost patch his sheet? a : with a pumpkin patch .,0,en
Why aren't there any French Restaurants in Davy Jones' Locker? Dead men sell no snails!,0,en
"i don't have instagram, so i thought you guys should know i had starbucks this morning . the cup was super cool looking . i also saw a rainbow",1,en
"What does the ""B"" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.",1,en
did you here about the new zoo? they put a fence around iowa .,0,en
"I saw a black kitten the other day. Needless to say, it stole my heart.",0,en
""" for my next illusion "" the magician announces : "" free will! "" everyone starts clapping but they don't know why",1,en
"thanks to school, i now eat two meals a day threedots threedots breakfast and dinner at home .",0,en
What part of the Vatican is made entirely out of amino acids? The Cysteine Chapel,1,en
I fell asleep at the wheel and when I woke up.. I had an auto body experience.,0,en
What does a chef and a gravitational wave astronomer have in common? They both work in gastronomy,1,en
"I milked the cow ""We don't have a cow"" the neighbors' cow then ""Their cat? "" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo ""Meow"" Ah shoot",1,en
"soft hit threedots a man got hit in the head with a can of coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink .",0,en
"what do we want ? apathy! when do we want it ? oh , you know , whenever .",0,en
"Did you know that all of the seasons are named after a tight coil of metal?  Except for winter, summer and autumn...",1,en
"marriage is like thanksgiving dinner you can make it last, but it gets a little worse every day .",1,en
"hey, i feel like almost everyone here has forgotten something threedots the game .",0,en
i always put in a full eight hours at work. spread out over the course of the week,1,en
What do you call a rainbow of Jeeps in the driveway? Roy Jeep Biv,1,en
An original joke Lets see what original joke the flair will be,1,en
What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday? I'll column later.,0,en
"young man cashier : ma'am , if you don't mind me saying , you have really beautiful eyes. what i heard : ma'am",1,en
What elements make up life? Lithium and Iron,1,en
My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn't feel like it.,0,en
my wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. turns out we do have something in common,0,en
I'm not a good cook. At Christmas my family got together and bought me a stove that flushes,1,en
coronavirus. no one: hand sanitizer:,1,en
What do you get when you eat a bunch of uranium? Atomic ache,1,en
I met Aquaman today!!! Water nice guy!!!,0,en
""" were you in paris on your vacation? "" "" i don't know my wife got the tickets . """,0,en
"A hipster drowned in a small creek. His family said that he died as he lived, staying away from the main stream.",1,en
How does a feminists wear a necklace? Same manner in which men wear a bra,1,en
"since twitter, i don't go from home to car to work to car to home i go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger",0,en
Suicide is not the answer It is the question. The answer is 'Yes',1,en
What do you call it when someone with down syndrome is thinking? Downloading.,1,en
what do you call something that you do to your self with one hand? a selfie !,1,en
why is it so hard to learn the c programming language? it has no class .,1,en
"Here's a new mythological creature for the consideration pile. Taurustaur. Half man, half reliable family sedan.",0,en
"Have you ever been in a Schindler's Lift? If you have, then did you ever feel that it could have carried more people",1,en
"I'd ask Peta to step in and help with Kero, but I'd worry it'd only make it worse.",0,en
"i haven't heard anything from my doctor since my ear surgery. or anyone , for that matter",1,en
"TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person. It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, ""Hurry it up, man! "" Credit: my wife",0,en
whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? one has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus .,0,en
What did one frog say to the other frog? Time's fun when you're having flies.,1,en
"Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, ""Geez, it's hot in here isn't it? ""And the other one says, ""Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!""",1,en
what's the hardest part of milking a mouse? getting it to fit over a bucket !,0,en
i'm gonna make a book called there's waldo. and you have to find everything else,0,en
"Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray",0,en
"it has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes . that is the peel, people . know your fruit .",1,en
My Friends call me Nintendo switch Because minors turn me on,1,en
I was in a writing room with Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld But nothing happened ,0,en
why don't astronauts take anything seriously? they don't grasp the gravity of the situation threedots,0,en
how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? cut the brake lines on his prius .,0,en
what does a bird and a fridge have in common? they can both fly except the fridge .,1,en
"What never eats, but is always alive? Children in Africa.",1,en
"next time you wave, use all your fingers .",0,en
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices. your one of them,0,en
I'm going to write an essay on procrastination... I haven't got around to it yet though ,1,en
"Even though the country is called Iceland, its winters are actually quite mild. Guess they should have called it Chile",1,en
Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth? To prevent tooth DK.,0,en
fun drinking game: take a shot of water every couple hours to make sure you're healthy and hydrated,0,en
Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers? They always miss the shot,1,en
"""It's not what it looks like, "" I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.",0,en
What do you call a mill thats just ok? A satisfactory.,1,en
"my review of your face : good , quality face. would look again",0,en
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!,0,en
How do you get a goldfish's attention? A U! Fish!,0,en
What do you call a dead blow fish? .. A blew fish.,1,en
"I once had a substitute that had no rules, except for no Smashmouth. I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face",1,en
"When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes. Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour",0,en
why do tigers eat raw meat? because they don't know how to cook !,1,en
"Hey Shakespeare, are you writing your next play in pentameter? Iamb.",0,en
I'm not saying.... I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here. :D,0,en
How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male; if she answers it's female.,1,en
What is the difference between god and women's rights Some people believe in god,1,en
"la paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything , but short enough to keep it interesting .",1,en
Judge: Why did you steal that bird? Prisoner: For a lark sir.,0,en
What did the man with leprosy say to the stripper? Keep the tip.,0,en
RSVP: yes no yes now but then no later on,0,en
"If the earth was flat and fish swam over the edge, where would they go? Trouter space.",1,en
ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? they're playing on their phone . everyone is playing on their phone .,1,en
"there's this girl i know, and i'm like a god to her . because i'm always watching her . and she's never seen me .",0,en
If someone stole a Tesla Would it be called an Edison?,1,en
So a man walks into a. All you just got to do is finish it,0,en
I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial,1,en
"If I could play any musical instrument in the world, it would be a violin that has twenty million dollars hidden inside it.",1,en
What did the German say when the Spaniard asked him for some cheese? Mi Kase es su Kase.,1,en
How did the baker put his opponent in checkmate? with an en croissant,1,en
I don't research Nihilism anymore. What's the point?,1,en
"How did Prince Philip crash? He saw Princess Diana in front of him and yelled ""Floor it!!!!!!"" ",0,en
What's at the beginning of the rainbow? Refraction of sunlight in raindrops,1,en
what happens when a magician gets mad? he rips out his hare !,0,en
Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep? Because it has two shifts.,1,en
I'd like to go to Holland some day. Wooden shoe,0,en
"A man walks into a therapist's office, looking for closure...",0,en
"If my teachers don't become Ms. Frizzle anytime soon, I will just keep not paying attention",1,en
What's your uncle's favorite place? Uranus,0,en
"How are asymptotes like women? You can get close to it, but you can't touch it",1,en
You know why Google added IssaRae's voice to their assistant? for dark mode,0,en
"My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid's these days",0,en
Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility. everyone is counting on them,1,en
What do you call a passage way in India? Currydoor,1,en
"Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I've had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.",1,en
What did the cucumber say to the vinegar I can't wait to get pickled,1,en
"In the beginning, God said ""Let there be light"" Not sure where the darks came from. ",1,en
"what's the definition of apathy? i don't know , and i don't care .",1,en
Why do old people read the bible so much? cramming for finals,1,en
"Director: so, you'll be playing this regular guy. Johnny Depp: no thanks",0,en
People who live in Flint should drink gasoline. It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded,1,en
What did the spilled noodles say to the sauce pan? I'm floored!,0,en
"if you ask an undercover cop what the hills are alive with, he legally has to say ""the sound of music"" or else it's von trappment",1,en
Why couldn't the physicist get the Standard Model to work? Because it wouldn't commute!,1,en
What is the most overused force in science? Van der Waals.,1,en
Memo to Life: Fewer lemons. More cherries. Thanks!,0,en
How did Mace die in Star Wars? Through the Windu,0,en
Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle,1,en
"hey , jose ! how many of our friends do you see? just juan .",0,en
what part of the hospital does john cena hate the most? the icu,0,en
""" you ask. "" "" no , you ask ! "" "" will you please ask ? "" "" why can't you ask ? "" "" fine threedots hey my friend wants to ask you something ! """,0,en
Why is it so hard to order pizza from me? I'll update with the hilarious punchline later...,0,en
What is Shia Labeouf's favourite genre of music? Jazz Duets.,1,en
"I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..",0,en
If there will be a mute and no hands Sims in a Sims game? Can you ever fill up the social need meter?,0,en
Why did the guy plant an emo lawn? So it would cut itself.,1,en
What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden? Rudolph's red hose rain gear...,0,en
how can you tell you are in a math teacher's garden? all the trees have square roots .,1,en
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job. I was just not cutting it,1,en
monster : where do fleas go in winter? werewolf : search me !,1,en
"what's the difference between chemistry and cooking? in chemistry , you should never lick the spoon .",1,en
q : what's red and looks like a bucket? a : a red bucket .,0,en
I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing. It didn't take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women,1,en
"I went to sleep with my contacts in last night, My dreams have never been clearer",1,en
"to level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver's license .",1,en
"Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial? ""If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers....""",0,en
Their seems like their are a lot of unfinished jokes going around. Gotcha,0,en
I was going to make my friend some spaghetti made from milk protein. But sadly he pasta whey,0,en
What's the best way to get to church on sunday? Mass transit,1,en
"Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD",0,en
You can't miss Auschwitz if you go there by train. It's a terminal stop.,1,en
"a male frog calls a medium line and he is told he'll meet a beautiful lady frog . "" will it happen at a ball? "" he asks . "" no , in a biology class """,1,en
that you don't tell the answer before you ask the question. what is the most important thing to remember when telling a joke ?,1,en
"sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals , bro. what did we learn ?",0,en
Canadian territory puns? Yukon be serious! I'm having Nunavut.,0,en
Some people get paid to make fish puns. I just do it for the halibut,1,en
"my golf game is a lot like my ipad, i don't have an ipad .",1,en
What is the difference between a duck? Only one of them is syntactically incorrect.,1,en
When is it too cold to build a snowman? When the frostbite is worse then the frostbark.,0,en
did you hear about the man who went to the north pole? he isn't doing so hot .,0,en
What is the worst thing to happen to an anagrammer? It is to get West Nile in the stew line.,1,en
What do you call a group of people who get together and communicate with a common imaginary friend? A religious gathering,1,en
The thing about midgets and dwarfs. they have very little in common,1,en
q : how can you tell when a blonde is dating? a : by the buckle print on her forehead .,0,en
"I live like a king of medieval time. I eat three meals a day, each meal may have meat and spices. I work sitting down.",1,en
There is one common point between dark humor and make a wish kids... Both will never get old.,0,en
scientists have a new working theory on what happened before the big bang. your mom put an ad on craigslist,0,en
Why does Eric Clapton only buy Apple products Because he had a bad experience with windows,1,en
Whats the difference between Bob Marley and Heracles? Heracles beat Cancer,0,en
a new survey shows that a fifth of british men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. i find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick,1,en
"What does a woman do in the living room? who cares , she should be in the kitchen making me a sandwich ",1,en
What did the lawyers say when they finished their basketball game? Court is adjourned,1,en
Who is the little mermaid's favorite musician? Mariana Grande,0,en
"Funny Book Title Thread! I'll start: ""How To Get The Most Out Of Your Bank Heists"" by Fillmore Sacks",1,en
What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat? A leek.,0,en
"Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: ""How rare?"" Doctor: ""You pick the name""",1,en
What is the Greek Army's motto? Never leave your buddy's behind.,1,en
"my sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now i'm frantically looking for a new place to live .",0,en
What did the Catholic baker say after baking the Easter Eucharist? He is risen.,1,en
"I'm going to open a store called Chasm It will be like the Gap, but a lot bigger.",0,en
Why did King Arthur leave no heir? He was legendary for pulling out.,1,en
"ladies , if a man says he will fix it , he will. there's no need to remind him every six months about it",1,en
"No, I haven't lost weight but ""spanx"" for asking.",1,en
"Why do Marlboro cigarettes have white filters in America, but yellow filters in Europe? So Keith Richards can tell which continent he's in.",1,en
"any dance can be a no pants dance. in fact , might be a fun way to bring back the macarena",0,en
That new Madeleine McCann documentary on Netflix was great and all... It just felt like there was something still missing...,0,en
Love must not be a very good student. Because Love isn't always on time,1,en
"life is like a game of bridge if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand",1,en
I got in an argument with Kobe Bryant. I now have Kobe Beef,0,en
Currently enjoying rap! add an e to rap,0,en
"i don't try to be awesome, awesome tries to be me .",0,en
What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? A dressmaker sews what she gathers a farmer gathers what he sows.,1,en
I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season,1,en
today marks a full year of keeping the baby alive. now i want a goldfish,0,en
news: man dies of heart attack while donating to a sperm bank he came and went at the same time,1,en
What does it sound like when two churches fight? Pew Pew PEWPEWPEW!!!,0,en
Why does Indiana Jones hate the letters ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX and Y Because they're not Zs. Sorry,0,en
"I've been a little worried about the voices I hear in my head, .. .. luckily one of them is a therapist and he's been helping me through it.",0,en
"i used to race motorcycles. man , those things are a lot faster than me",1,en
What do you call a female android? Synthia Lmao,1,en
"Three Chickens Three chickens on a cliff, the first falls, the second was attached to the first, The therd, well. He died of peer presure",1,en
You never know what you've got until. you clean your room,0,en
"for sale: wedding suit , worn only once by mistake threedots",1,en
"So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said. I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say",1,en
why didn't kids make fun of argon in high school? they never got a reaction out of him .,1,en
"""Name? "" queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.",1,en
"the early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese .",1,en
Why did so many Italians stay off work last week? There was a bridging day.,1,en
Apple came out with a new device thats only available in China! Its called the 'i opener' ,0,en
"i raised an eyebrow once. he's an adult now , and he never calls or visits",0,en
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A Crane.,1,en
"in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a "" rocket ship "" how many rocket ships have you been in. that's what i thought",1,en
why are teachers always making answer keys? so they can open doors of opportunity for their students .,1,en
What do you call a victim of armed robbery? An amputee,1,en
Did you hear the one about the perfume store? I heard their manufacturing was in an ol' factory.,1,en
someone should invent bass gloves. so people stop dropping it,1,en
how do you pay for things in the czech republic? cash or czech edit : a word,1,en
WWE Goes to Saudi Arabia: The Greatest Royal Rumble WWE Goes to Germany: The Greatest Elimination Chamber,1,en
What does a girl wear at the beginning of a date that the man wears at the end of a date? Her lipstick. Ooh la la!,0,en
why do men like smart women? opposites attract .,1,en
"What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say? I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.",0,en
What's a kids least favorite element? Lead.,0,en
"I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal. It's cheese, dude. We'll be here a while.",1,en
Do girls like globes without equators? I'm worried because mine is uncircumscribed.,1,en
What do Ken Jennings and OJ Simpson have in common? they both killed at double jeopardy!,0,en
"just tell me which one is wrong , the password or the username! don't make me have to guess .",0,en
"i hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn't really work otherwise .",0,en
"I doubt that the moon lending ever happened. I mean seriously, when would the moon pay it back?",0,en
"i hope when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you're in the background of .",0,en
"if you're constantly posting "" loving my life! "" as your facebook status , you're probably not .",0,en
"Why is a duck when it's round? Because the farther it flies, the fewer.",1,en
what's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? the attorney charges more .,1,en
My housemate told me to get something to the front page of reddit I should just recycle. It'll take a lot more than that to get me to take the bins out,1,en
which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake? someone else's !,0,en
"I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.",0,en
"Know why I won't have two pet rocks? 'Cause I ain't raising no pebbles! .. Idk, my brother told me that years ago and I still think it's clever.",0,en
"I just climbed a mountain of fish, or you could say. I scaled it",0,en
Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments? Because they were for test porpoise only,1,en
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don't understand my son's Christmas list.,0,en
i just bought a tv remote control with three buttons. i was surprised they let me pay with buttons,1,en
What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.,1,en
What has mass but doesn't take up space? The Catholic religion,1,en
what's bill cosby's favorite part of the house? the roof .,0,en
"My daughter gets all bossy when we're playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she's at school I play with them the way I want",1,en
What great song is associated with hamburgers and baseball? 'Steak Me Out to the Ballgame'!,1,en
"I went to a chyropracter today Oops, I meant a chiropractor. I stand corrected",1,en
"he : so then , what's your sign? she : dollar .",0,en
"If Billy Mays were a farmer... And he ran a really good corn maze during the spring, it would be called the ""Amazing May Mays Maize Maze.""",1,en
That awkward movement when you. read movement as moment,0,en
How does Han Solo like to get around Endor? Ewoks,0,en
what does rihanna think of chris brown? beats me,1,en
I recently got a vaccination. Now I would make a joke about shots or people who get them but I can't now that I'm autistic,1,en
"people who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers . did you know that? yes , i did know that . thank you for asking .",1,en
My jokes are still in alpha. Hopefully soon they'll get beta,0,en
I will never forget Michael Jackson Just like those kids,0,en
"i don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening .",0,en
a saxophone is like a lawsuit. everyone is happy when the case is closed,1,en
What do you call a group of Students? A Statistic.,1,en
what did al gore play on his guitar? an algorithm .,1,en
Parenting Tip: Place fake present under tree with unruly child's name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace,0,en
"Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach's like ""what if you die tomorrow? "" and I'm like ""good point"" and I have a whole pizza.",1,en
"Man On Bus Asked Me, ""Why Looking So Crabby This Morning? "" I Just Found Out I Have Cancer...",1,en
"If there isn't a fireworks company whose slogan is ""our business is booming, "" that seems like a real missed opportunity.",1,en
What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common? They both plat no more.,0,en
Who do you call if Everlast is having a heart attack? Eminem.,0,en
"I saw a photon go by... ...it seemed friendly, but it didn't wave.",0,en
Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!,0,en
"Normally I get roses on rose day, hugs on hugs day, chocolates on chocolate day and so on. But waiting since morning today.",0,en
"After years of hard work and dedication, I can finally say that I have that sexy body I've always wanted. It's in my freezer",1,en
Why was the cake lonely? Because he was deserted by his friends,1,en
"i don't feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. if she really needs something , she should text me",0,en
me : so . you from around here? her : yes . you're in my bedroom closet .,0,en
ladies: we leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do .,0,en
Which group of people were most affected by WWII Germans with dust allergies.,1,en
What should female robots NOT come standard with. A sound card,0,en
What brand of car would the Roadrunner be? Jeep Jeep,1,en
"When we die, all the concert footage we've shot on our phones flashes before our eyes.",1,en
"boss : have i made myself clear? me : no , i can still see you . boss : shakes head .",0,en
"This year, I'm breaking with tradition a little and stuffing my turkey with delusions of grandeur.",1,en
this post just says it all! it all .,0,en
"look , i know you really miss her . but , you know what? sometimes things aren't meant to be . one time i really wanted this waffle threedots",0,en
"""Has your dog got a name?"" ""Yes,"" I replied. ""It's called a Labrador.""",1,en
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta,1,en
"Hey girl, why don't you treat me like a calculator. and give me them digits",0,en
What's the similarity between Bruce Jenner and a Pharaoh? At some point they turned into Mummys,1,en
I'm going to a birthday party in Charlotte tomorrow. Hopefully the looting isn't over because I forgot to buy a present,0,en
What happens to a person the darker they get? They become less bright,1,en
What do you call the CFO of a landscaping company? A hedge fund manager,1,en
"i've got a friend who's a female private investigator. or gynecologist , as she likes to be called",1,en
what happened to the cold jellyfish? it set !,0,en
How is a baby and a Grenade similar They both stop moving when you drop it,0,en
"I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom. You know, to make it more classy",1,en
When women are acting aggressive Why don't we just change the setting from harsh to gentle wash in the dishwasher.,1,en
"what color are mirrors? i don't know , let's reflect on this .",1,en
"Q: Have you read the book about very cold temperatures? A: Not only does it have two covers, it has a jacket.",0,en
"i found the key to success. now , i just need to find the lock",0,en
What do you call someone who hates cold weather? A southerner,1,en
what did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? viola .,1,en
"Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn't throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.",1,en
"I just witnessed the hottest, most arousing shower scene in the history of cinema The end of the boy in the striped pajamas is a cinematic masterpiece",1,en
What spice is the most welcoming? Cumin,0,en
Where's the best place to apologise to someone? Surrey.,0,en
"i just got a scottish sheep dog from the pound, but sadly my wife can't see it threedots she's collie blind .",0,en
"whenever i have a twitter break, i check my job .",1,en
"women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight .",0,en
"If Hannibal Lector is not a vegetarian, what is he? A humanitarian.",1,en
"Man: Doctor, is it serious?! Doctor: Oh my God, stop the autopsy!!",0,en
why was there a bug in the computer? it was looking for a byte to eat .,0,en
why is an egg like a young horse? because it can't be used until it's broken !,0,en
"there are smart men , handsome men , rich men , sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. we call that one a "" unicorn """,1,en
an autistic girl asked me out today and i said yes. i guess you could say i like girls that are down for everything,0,en
I painted my wall black Thanks automod.,0,en
what time of day is it in france right now? mourning,0,en
What type of cow produces both milk and potatos? Your Mother.,1,en
"How do you flirt with a calligraphist? Say, ""You have pretty I's!""",1,en
What did the women say when she had a miscarriage? I'm dead inside,1,en
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko,0,en
why did dave go into the backseat? because kurt called shotgun .,1,en
What part of a car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.,1,en
What does Zeus wear under his tunic? Thunderwear!,0,en
"I thought about logging into Myspace, but the Delorean is in the shop.",0,en
"i want to just be a couch potato tonight , but i'm too lazy to get on my couch. so i'm a floor potato",1,en
what kind of phone does the flash use? not an iphone because apple doesn't support flash,1,en
Have you heard about the new finding nemo movie coming out It's called lost in miami ,1,en
"The orthodontist says I'm doing a ""super job"" wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I'm able to put things in my mouth",1,en
In order to improve higher education... We must build taller schools,1,en
Why can't i comment on the posts? Is this because if low karma?,1,en
My wife wants to have the baby listen to classical music while in the womb. Would an ipod nano or shuffle be easier to get up there?,1,en
"in movies , do actors wear costume underwear ? or underwear from home ? the whole thing is confusing. i don't think i can keep watching movies",1,en
why did the rapper go to whole foods? he heard they had fresh beets .,1,en
I walked into the firearms shop and saw that everything was half priced. Huh... I didn't realise that back to school sales had started yet.,1,en
How do birds communicate? They Tweet.,1,en
Childbirth is so easy Thats why women can do it,1,en
Doctor talking to the boy Doctor: Tell your dad I sad Hi Boy: But... He's dead Doctor: I know,0,en
Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit? Because thyme heals all wounds. :D,0,en
"judging by the covers, every issue of every comic book is the one where the main character dies .",1,en
Reddit I'm in a bit of a pickle. and it tastes great,0,en
The economy is so bad. even the rope splicer can't make ends meet,1,en
"I went to the hospital yesterday I found a lot of vegetables there, almost as if it was a farmers market.",0,en
How much suspension does Lizzo have on her car to prevent it dragging on the road This is for research purposes,1,en
Is your business interested in reaching a larger and wider audience? Pm me for my ex wife's email address,0,en
did you hear about the man who choked on an issue of the guardian after learning about his brothers passing? he found the news hard to swallow .,1,en
The person who the got Mayan calendar wrong must've took some time off.,0,en
I really wish I could spend more time on Reddit... But my room looks like the Manchester stadium.... I need to clean up the bits and pieces lying around,0,en
My son really enjoys magic.. His favorite trick that I taught him was to make things bigger only by rubbing.,0,en
"Octagon, Hexagon, Pentagon, Stan Lee agon ",0,en
What do my kids and my suits have in common? Both were delivered on coat hangers,1,en
Why did the statistics professor refuse to use wifi? Because he loves data!,0,en
"the lady behind me in line at target was frustrated i was writing a check, so i got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right .",1,en
What's dry but slippery? A slipper,0,en
Short joke What do you call a short person that knows Martial Arts? Midjitsu!,1,en
"A couple are talking Her: Come over. Him: I'm coming over. Her: We should really stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.",1,en
"At the office, my colleague had her computer on with an unsaved document. I looked at her in the eyes and told her I'd tap that s with control",1,en
Apparently school's out Monday in the US from hurricane Irma I always thought the date was a national holiday,1,en
I'm gonna color my hair. or dye tryin',0,en
did you know there are two different types of people in the world? boys and girls .,0,en
Did you hear about the latest innovation in french tanks? Rear view mirrors so they can see the battles going on.,1,en
Why did Sean Connery buy cheap razors? Because he needed to shave,1,en
"Possible Cure found for Dyslexia; A spokesman said. ""There's light at the end of the toenail""",1,en
What do you call alien life on Europa? European. Credit to Neil Degrasse Tyson on the Late Show,1,en
If I was a fish. I'd be a broke trout,1,en
"No honey, there isn't a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed",0,en
"i never ask anyone , "" what kind of dog is that? "" because they'll tell you . god will they tell you .",1,en
"a nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. she says "" oh great , some guy has my pen """,1,en
"sorry! i'm not desperate because i'm single . i'm single , because i'm not desperate .",0,en
"This is America Teacher: Your bag looks heavy, you must have a lot of books in there Quite kid: No just magazines",0,en
why does nobody talk to circles? because there is no point !,0,en
What's cops favourite movie? Don't breathe,0,en
i held the record for collecting stephen king's books. then i lost it,0,en
I was checking out a Jewish girl the other day. Her barcode wouldn't scan,1,en
What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow? Billy's Jeans,0,en
Kids helping mom.  Father: What did you do today to help your mother? Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. ,0,en
A macaroni and cheese based meal assisted a burger thief. The meal was a hamburglar helper,1,en
Do dogs know about light switches? Or do they think we all just have personalities that literally light up a room,1,en
"Why is it called extra virgin olive oil? Because they grow the olives inside, away from the birds and the bees.",1,en
What's a telemarketer's favourite element? Scamdium.,0,en
"looney toons fans: ah, good... once again elmer has failed to put food on the table... he won't survive the winter. this is truly hilarious",0,en
"Women are a lot like pizza Great when warm, better when cold",1,en
"""Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy? "" Body: ""I shall make this into nose hair""",1,en
what does the lego man do for fun? he throws a block party .,0,en
"I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding",0,en
"A comedian is called to the IRS... ...they tell him he owes more taxes. He says, ""Why? "" They say, ""Because we appreciated your humor.""",1,en
Peter Brock and Steve Irwin died from the same thing Fish tales. ,0,en
What do you call... What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio.,1,en
a man walks into a bathroom and slips on a turd threedots another man approaches and says ' ' are you alright mate? i just did that ' ',0,en
what does baby computer call his father? data .,1,en
"too many girls want attention, not enough want respect !",0,en
What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang? Gangs don't have to pay for friends.,1,en
"UFC president Dana White called Conor McGregor this morning. He greeted him with ""Buenos Diaz""",1,en
In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up,1,en
"if you love christmas so much, why don't you merry it ?",0,en
Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses,1,en
How much do Chinese dumplings weigh? Wonton.,1,en
billion dollar idea: an app that sends you a text when the light turns green .,0,en
life is like a bed of roses. you just have to watch out for the pricks,0,en
"Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she's channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.",0,en
What do you call a man with three arms and a pegleg? I have no idea because the actual joke is always in the comments.,1,en
what's the best part about twenty two year old wheels of cheese? there are twenty of them .,0,en
people in wheelchairs just don't get humor. they never know when you're pulling their leg,1,en
"my boss asked me why i'm late, apparently answering "" because your wife wouldn't let me get out of bed "" just gets you sent to hr .",1,en
What salad dressing does Macaulay Culkin prefer? Neverland Ranch.,1,en
How can you tell when a surfer dude just broke up with his girlfriend? He's homeless now.,1,en
what starts out happy but ends in tears? marriage,0,en
What do you call a reptiloid that crashed landed its spaceship? Imsosaurus!,0,en
"hamster joke there is a boy , he owns a hamster . what does the hamster eat? ham .",1,en
John Cena Bum buh duh dum. Bum buh duh dum,0,en
"women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea .",1,en
It's unlucky to glance over your shoulder while wearing a sweater made of rabbit wool. Don't look back in angora,0,en
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason. details are sketchy,1,en
Why is the old decrepit horse named Flattery? Because it gets you nowhere!,0,en
Retired colonel talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No but I've been fishing in shorts.,1,en
"An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop. The barista asked what he wants, and he replies ""Affogato""",1,en
Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects? They were looking for the ark tick.,1,en
How do sailors get their clothes clean? They throw them overboard and they wash ashore.,1,en
wife : my family is coming over . me : threedots? wife : pants ! put on pants !,0,en
What do you say when it's snowing? Winter is coming.,1,en
Money matters Because love is a concept invented by poor people,1,en
What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet? The Bullet leaves the chamber. Courtesy of my comrade Ivo,0,en
In which state are most cows found in? Solid.,1,en
What happens when Niagara trips? Niagara Falls,1,en
Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.,0,en
"Your mother has a lot of arm strength I know, I said. I've experienced it.",0,en
"Today I was asked by a Red Cross member if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said I would, but I don't have a hose that reaches that far",1,en
What do you call a southern catholic priest? A fiddler.,1,en
"Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don't lay eggs",1,en
What do you call a bugle inside of a bubble? A buble!,1,en
"Just been chatting on Skype to a young lady who lives in Wales, she's asked me to come and visit her. this weekend I'm off to Bangor",1,en
"How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she's the one",0,en
What did the math teacher tree say to the music teacher tree? Nice log rhythms,1,en
Nervous about speaking in front of a crowd of people? Imagine everyone is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt,1,en
"My atheist, mathematician friend insists religion is negative. Because at it's root, it's imaginary",1,en
Breaking news Brick goes through window.,0,en
"I asked my wife for the newspaper, but she said, ""Just use my iPad. "" That spider never knew what hit it",1,en
Now I'm not saying I plan to be a school shooter. but if I was Dylan,0,en
My girlfriend is like treasure... Buried in a box and will never be found.,0,en
"Hey Chumbawamba, we kept you down.",0,en
You know what u relate to in stranger things? Eleven turns me on.,0,en
"at the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt .",1,en
What does a bag of rice and an onion do when they get into a fast car? They pilaf. I'll show my way out,1,en
What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes? Discreet uniform distribution,1,en
How does an electrician teach his students the birds and bees? By showing them the male and female ports.,1,en
The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing,1,en
"dirty laundry when you wash a teenage boy's socks, you're doing a load of loads",1,en
What did Mohammed eat? His dates.,1,en
Why did the Dark Ages existed? Because there were 'nights.,1,en
I like my women like my Motion Blur quality Disabled,0,en
Why did Eddie Vedder take the fiber supplements? He needed to have an Even Flow.,0,en
How does Chester cut your phone call? he hangs up,0,en
I didn't think it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time. Until I discovered necrophilia. ,1,en
Ever have amnesia and deja vu at the same time? I think I've forgotten this before:,0,en
You only miss something when you notices something is gone. Only now I realise how many words requires the letter W because my keyboard can't type 'W',1,en
What does Yao Ming stand for? When he sits down it takes too long to get back up.,1,en
What's better than a Kike on a Pike? Two Kikes on a Pike!,0,en
What can you catch but cannot throw? A cold.,0,en
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza. They knead the dough,1,en
"at last, i finally got around to watching the new episode of "" doctor who "" threedots threedots it was about time .",1,en
"I called a dentist.. I: I would like an appointment. Dentist: Sure, what time would you like to come. I: Two thirty.",0,en
i was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. on the plus side i made a few bucks,1,en
"if pizza places cold called people's homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, i guarantee you their business would triple .",1,en
why can't a stormtrooper have a baby? because they always miss .,0,en
"What's the hardest Olympic sport to master? Hurdling. There are a lot of obstacles on the way, and it's hard to get a leg up on the competition.",1,en
What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl? Everything. They have absolutely nothing in common.,1,en
How does a carpenter effectively build stairs? He thinks one step ahead,1,en
Why Chinese vet never hungry? Dog have rice.,1,en
"Sometimes I wonder if I need to spell it out to people. But then I realised I typed it, so I already did spell it out",0,en
"I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.",0,en
Why did the rope go to jail? Because he was knotty,0,en
"Wait, Fellatio isn't a flavor of ice cream?!",0,en
"well , it's the end of the year. no point in trying to become a good person this late in the game",0,en
sorry i can't go out. i forgot to charge my phone halfway though the day,0,en
"How easy is it to stroll along on pies? Well, it's no cakewalk.",1,en
I was surprised Oscar Pistorius owned a gun in the first place. I would have thought he preferred blades,1,en
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears? That's not me..I'm the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.,0,en
I was so upset when Toys R Us closed... It's been hard meeting girls ever since.,0,en
why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks? because he thought it wood look better !,0,en
"Me: Bless me father for I have sinned. Priest texting me back: I already told you, I'm not absolving u of your sins unless you come in",0,en
"what did one dog say to the other dog? i like "" hot dogs "" .",1,en
What is a cat's favorite tropical destination? Meowi,0,en
What is difference between me and my homework Uncle never did my homework,1,en
"what punch line is sure to get upvotes no matter how many times it gets posted? "" i don't know i just fly the drone """,1,en
"I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better! But Columbian coke is especially great!",0,en
The problem is I'm really tired. But I hear there's a nap for that,0,en
What do you call a dead magician? Abra Cadaver.,1,en
"There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you... Oh no, I forgot the line!",0,en
My sister started using a pencil to do her eyebrows. It looks a little sketchy.,1,en
What's the best weapon you can use against an epileptic? A flashlight,0,en
"Please Hey admin, please add me on your instagram group chat",0,en
What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne? Sat down !,0,en
"q : can i ask you two questions? a : ok , what's the second one",0,en
"no calls ? i understand. no text ? i understand , but when you see me with someone else please understand",0,en
Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere,0,en
Why is the fridge shaking so much? It's running just fine. Probrably because it's so turned on!,0,en
"What can the mods of this sub learn from Kurt Cobain? Quit when you're ahead, preferably with a shotgun.",0,en
A man walks into a cafe. splash,0,en
"if at first you don't succeed, you're not chuck norris .",0,en
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who got kicked off his farm for not having any livestock? It was a no cows eviction.,1,en
"Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you're interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say ""spaghetti""",1,en
"Impatient means she's restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital. Learned that one the hard way",1,en
Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again? Works for my computer.,0,en
"Geologists of reddit, what kind of rock is lazy? A sedentary rock",1,en
Joan Rivers died the way she lived... Undergoing surgery.,0,en
What belongs in the bank and doesn't exist? My tax refund.,1,en
Why are the trees in Harlem equally spaced out along the sidewalk ? Public transport ,1,en
"I'm going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game: What food is rotting in the office kitchen?",1,en
"Cargo shorts are the minivan of fashion. you get a pass only if you're married with kids, otherwise people will assume there's something wrong with you",1,en
What time does the chicken farmer go and collect the eggs? About half past hen,1,en
What do you call a foreigner who is obsessed with Chinese culture? A zhuologist,1,en
"Got bored last night and tried looking up the spanish translation of ""do not use"", but it ended up being no use.",1,en
What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit? OP delivers.,0,en
"You want to urge someone to do something ASAP, when do you use ""come to"" instead of ""come on""? come to me...",1,en
"Why was ""what is love"" played at a funeral? Because he had a will, and he haddaway.",1,en
Have you heard about the kidnapper? He's really got away with kids.,0,en
"there's a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. for example , some people like when there's pulp in their orange juice",0,en
"When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put ""lame shorts"" and nothing happened",1,en
"Houses If the Red House is red and the Blue House is Blue, what color is the Green House? ... Brown. I accidentally broke the sprinkler system.",0,en
What is the worst place to go on Black Friday? Awnser: Home Depot They have power tools lol,0,en
why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work? he was expecting showers .,1,en
Your cheesy jokes are great But mine are grater. ,1,en
mum : how can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time? son : easy . i have two ears !,0,en
my wife said i was average. i said she was mean,1,en
Batman opened a restaurant. But he's serving just desserts,1,en
Did you hear about the missionary who tried to convert the tribe to Christianity? He took an arrow in the knee.,1,en
How can environmental scientists stay on top of the global warming issue? They climate.,1,en
What do you call someone who pushes people down stairs? A stairorist.,1,en
facebook : you have more friends on facebook than you think. me : you have higher expectations than you think,0,en
My favorite Jesus is the one who gives musicians MTV Video Music Awards. My second favorite Jesus is my landscaper,1,en
"One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I'm just listing things.",0,en
my new year's resolution is to save enough to buy a velcro wall. and i plan on sticking to it,0,en
"If Kanye West and Justin Beiber were drowning, and you only save one of them. What kind of a sandwich would you make",0,en
What do you call an ant from overseas? Impartant,1,en
My baby sister died in childbirth. I lost a sibling and a son in one night.,1,en
Think about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth. It's unsettling,1,en
"I just typed ""relationship"" and it came up ""delusional"" on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart",1,en
I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates,0,en
smells like carrots . q : what is invisible and smells like carrots? a : bunny farts .,0,en
i just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore. i kinda want to date him now,0,en
Despite other issues one aspect of Pokemon Go is perfect: You're always encountering new and interesting bugs.,1,en
Where do war generals make decisions? In a think tank,1,en
Why didn't the Christmas Cake go to the dance? He had his raisins...,0,en
how do you make a squirrel cry? pinch it's nuts .,0,en
"So I was going by this farm the other day. and I was like, hay",0,en
"there is too much freedom in this country, we need more expensive smart .",0,en
"did you know "" bathtub "" backwards is still "" bathtub ""? it's not , but for a second there you believed me .",1,en
"no matter how hard i try, i just never seem to run out of bad ideas .",1,en
what do two people with parkinson's disease do when they meet for the first time? they shake hands .,1,en
"i've just started going out with some anorexic twins, two birds one stone",0,en
"When someone posts ""Hmmm. That was interesting..."" as their status on FB, I never ask what they're talking about because it never is.",1,en
I don't think Flounder I caught today was very happy with me. He was looking at me kinda sideways,0,en
Why do Americans fish with guns? Because a group of fish is called a school,1,en
"What did one bell say to the other? ""Be my valenchime!""",1,en
How did Timmy dodge the oncoming car? He didn't,1,en
Which Beatle wanted to make it big as an entrepreneur? Ringo Startup,0,en
I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed,0,en
"heard a friend bragging about his one night stand whatever mate , i've got two night stands. one either side of my bed",1,en
What's a lawyer's favorite type of cake? Torte,0,en
What's a redditor's favourite sword move? Riposte!,0,en
"After completing one year at the company, I told my boss that I want a hike. So he told me to visit Nepal and do the Annapurna Circuit Trek.",1,en
"So... I hear Bono's door fell off his plane yesterday... I guess he doesn't like unexpected things happening to HIS property without his knowledge, either.",0,en
"Turns out my date had a lot of pizzazz, not pizzas. I've never been more disappointed",1,en
What do electricians get for Christmas? Shorts!,0,en
thanks for letting everyone on facebook know your phone is broken. i was already thinking about never calling or texting you anyway,0,en
"I don't mean to brag about how awesome I am at satisfying my wife, but I unloaded the dishwasher twice today.",1,en
My boyfriend cheated on me So I convinced him to get matching tattoos. he went first and I went home,1,en
What do you call a matador who lost to the bull? A mat'o'gore.,1,en
What do you call a mass transit system that also cares deeply about humanitarian work? A Bonorail.,1,en
when does a hamburger wear a look like a smile button? when somebody says ' well done ' !,0,en
"when i sit down on a field, i automatically start pulling grass out of the ground .",1,en
"Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a ""judgment free"" zone...unless we're talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.",0,en
what kind of money do religious businesses make? prophet .,1,en
"Brace yourselves. The flowers, candy and jewelry mobile uploads are upon us",0,en
"I'm in a Josef Fritzl tribute band. You probably haven't heard of us, we're pretty underground",1,en
""" when a girl says ' awww thanks! ' , it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from . """,1,en
"A Maid Knocks On Her Master's Door Her master is busy talking on the phone She asks, ""Sir would you like some juice? "" He Replies ""Give Me A Minute Maid""",1,en
Why do priests love to go fishing with kids? So they have someone to hold their rod.,1,en
why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe .,1,en
"What do vegetarians do when they are bored They ""veggie"" out ",1,en
what do you call the electronic process of making a sandwich? a sub routine .,1,en
What did the mathematician say to the lumberjack drummer? I really like your logger rhythm!,1,en
Did you hear that the sine function left home? He still comes home periodically.,1,en
"joke what did the one angel say to the other? "" halo """,0,en
"therapist : you're cured . me : really ?! ? therapist : no , of course not . how did that make you feel ?",0,en
Who was the first female commodore? The Commodore Amiga.,1,en
"How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland? Who knows, there is no tax record of it.",1,en
Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable. That's unsettling,0,en
I sometimes send letters to my parents. They're nothing to write home about,1,en
I had a dark bump on my arm checked out at my ontologist. I tried to get a diagnosis but instead he went on about reality and existence,1,en
I got stuck in a blender. Pour me,0,en
why do deaf women wear tight jeans? so you can read their lips .,1,en
"If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom",1,en
What do you call an abortion in the world of Mortal Kombat? A Fetality.,1,en
"What's the difference between a hill and a pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down.",0,en
What's hot and cold at the same time? Necrophilia,0,en
why did kanye west blow up the bakery? because no one man should have all that flour .,0,en
Why did Epstein wear a watch? So he could remember how old his dates were!,0,en
Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!,1,en
What do I get when I raise up a platform to play Mozart? Amadeus on my dais.,1,en
What do you call a rapper who's feeling bitter? NaClmore,0,en
what kind of bath can you take without water? a sun bath .,0,en
What do you call a play about a moose on a bicycle? A Moosical,1,en
what's in the middle of girls ' legs? their knee .,1,en
I used to be extremely afraid of hurdles. but I got over it,0,en
"The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.",1,en
What does a british man say when he's about to climax? I'm arriving,1,en
some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. i drink the drink,1,en
"i am feeling very optimistic, but i bet it won't last .",0,en
Why Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder were always arguing They couldn't see eye to eye,1,en
"Women are like North Korea. They say they will do something, but they don't follow through with it",1,en
"The daughter says to the father: ""Dad, I think I have the period""  And the father says: ""For a moment I thought you bit your lip""",1,en
"wife : "" you need to watch a series of unfortunate events "" me : "" okay, i'll get out the wedding video """,1,en
"What do all failing students in New Orleans have in common? They are all below ""C level"".",1,en
"How many planets are there in the solar system? There used to be nine, then there was eight and when I'm done with Uranus there'll be seven.",0,en
"They say Adam and Eve had two kids, and they had two kids. I guess that means humanity started in Alabama.",1,en
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.,1,en
"sexy potato: hey buddy , my eyes are up here , and over here , and down here , and around here and",0,en
"me : theres a man outside fighting with water wife : the neighbour ? me : yes wife : is he in the pool ? me : yes wife : again, its called swimming",1,en
How many sith lords does it take to change a light bulb? None. They like it on the dark side.,1,en
"My german shepard doesn't like dog food, so we have that in common.",1,en
what is the difference between god and a police officer? god doesn't think he's a police officer .,1,en
Out of all the post you've see on reddit. this is one of them,0,en
what's the difference between a honda and a porsche? paul walker wouldn't be caught dead in a honda,0,en
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!,0,en
"If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...",0,en
Seems as if Verne Troyer... had a short life.,0,en
"when i was younger , i was afraid of the dark. now i see the electric bills , and became afraid of the light",1,en
While it paints me to say this. I'm really not much of an artist,1,en
What game to suggest for annoying children to play on the holiday? Russian Roulette.,1,en
"hello , atheist ghostbusters ? yes ? i have a ghost in my bathroom . no , you don't . oh , right . thanks so much! that's why we're here .",0,en
"I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that's God's Way of saying ""Nope""",1,en
Why does Poesche keep their engines in the back? To leave more room for Paul Walker in the Front..,0,en
Handjobs are like the Paralympics Its a good effort but you know you could do a better job yourself,0,en
Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.,1,en
"if you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot .",0,en
Did you hear about the deaf and blind school that got shot up? They didn't see that coming,1,en
What's the least favorite fruit of a turtle? Strawberries,0,en
If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible. I'd probably still be in debt right now,1,en
"Misery loves company. Company: ""I have a boyfriend.""",1,en
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair,1,en
have you been shopping for a dishwasher lately? i have juan on sale .,0,en
"Who's never hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey, he's already stuffed.",0,en
What will the Italian do if he wants a TV in his Facebook photo? Tag la tele,0,en
why did the computer scientist die in the shower? the shampoo bottle put him in an infinite loop .,0,en
"at thirteen years old , my parents were divorced. a bit young to get married if you ask me",0,en
"what's fast and can breathe underwater? not a toddler , i can tell you that",1,en
"Boss:""I'll need those projections done Aesop!"" Me:""You mean ASAP? "" Boss:""No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.""",1,en
"Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.",1,en
"What's the difference between Christmas and the Great Marianas Turkey Shoot? At Christmas, there's a nip in the air.",0,en
Accidently played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels,0,en
what did they say about the blind man who got hit by a bus? he never saw it coming .,1,en
"my report card always said i was not living up to my full potential . well, the joke's on them . that really was as good as i was going to get",1,en
Did you hear about the water that evaporated? It will be mist.,0,en
do you know why frequency cannot love any more? cause it still hertz .,0,en
"I used to assume most people were bright, kind, and at least somewhat informed. Then social media was invented",1,en
A new bike company says it has the best wheels in the world. According to their spokesperson,1,en
How do jockeys stay on their horses? Jockey straps.,1,en
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn't realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It's causing quite a stir...,0,en
do you sell hot dogs? because you know how to make a wiener stand .,1,en
How does Google clean their facilities? They use Google Mops.,1,en
"Why did jimmy eat his Homework? Because the previous day, the teacher told her students; ""Don't worry guys, it's gonna be a piece of cake"".",1,en
There was a question about Greece's economy in a German maths exam. What was it worth? Two marks.,1,en
i was in the zoo last week . really? which cage were you in,0,en
Why do comedians hate noble gasses? They give no reaction.,1,en
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.,1,en
"welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don't like people .",0,en
"You heard what Pedro the weatherman reported? Chili today, hot tamale",0,en
Where do sharks come from? Sharkago!,0,en
What's the difference between us and the dinosaurs? We don't need an asteroid...,0,en
What do you call it when an emo downs a box of Altoids in one sitting? Practice.,1,en
what do you call an exercise group run by jesus christ? crossfit .,1,en
Cell references in excel are like gold diggers. If you want them to stay in the same place you have to throw some money at them,1,en
did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero? he is OK now.,0,en
"Anyone know how long we are supposed to ""Shake It Off""? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!",0,en
People all me nightlight Because little kids turn me on,1,en
What Counting system does Valve use? Trinary,1,en
What is Chris Brown's new girlfriends' name? Beats Me,0,en
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat. use the sink,0,en
"After dinner my mother asked me to clear the table It took me a running start, but I did it.",1,en
"If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality",0,en
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof. I was shocked,1,en
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking. because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef,0,en
"My SO was feeling down today.. G: I feel fat when i look in the mirror, can you compliment me to make me feel better? B: You have great eyesight.",0,en
Why was the legless man immortal? Because he couldn't kick the bucket.,0,en
"Twitter: Where if the chemistry's good, the geography won't be..",0,en
If you ask your hair dresser for the Zooey Deschanel. You're really just getting more bang for your buck,0,en
"the reality is that a lot of girls out there just aren't prepared for a nice, decent guy .",1,en
"they say there are plenty of fish in the sea but until i catch one, i'm stuck here waiting holding my rod .",1,en
"Some people hate the thought of adult diapers.... But I say, ""It's just Depends.""",1,en
I accidentally swallowed a contact lens today. I've never seen my colon with such clarity before,1,en
twitter: the only place where you get excited when a stranger follows you,0,en
Have you heard about the collapse of the boxer shorts industry? apparently it was quite brief.,1,en
In which country do people have the largest number of cold weapons? Italy. Pizza cutters.,1,en
What do a dull lawn mower blade and a lethargic emo have in common? They both don't cut like they used to,1,en
What do you call allergy season without any Kleenexes? A tissue,1,en
"people with fb statuses like , "" i'm so angry right now "" , then when someone says , "" what's up? "" they reply , "" i'll text you . "" what about us",1,en
who writes ghost stories? a ghost writer .,1,en
Dquan got a C on his test He passed the test with flying coloreds,1,en
"I've completely cocooned myself in this blanket, and I'm not coming out until I'm a fully functional adult or a butterfly.",0,en
"if you're not wearing the shirt you slept in, you're doing sunday wrong .",0,en
What do you call a generalization made by a farmer? An overall statement.,1,en
in a village full of hipsters no one ever lied. because hips don't lie,0,en
"So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian... Whoops, wrong sub.",1,en
"i get about your body being a temple but threedots right now i wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle , it sounds more like fun. i'm all about fun",0,en
My wife regrets telling her class about her new amphibian. Apparently they axolotl questions.,1,en
How could you tell Chester Bennington was depressed? Because someone left him hanging...,0,en
"Have you heard of the Russian roulette? If not, give it a try. The result will blow your mind",1,en
why was the dog so depressed? he was having a hard time looking up .,0,en
what s a muslim s favorite cologne? germany !,0,en
"i saw a deer yesterday . i asked it if it had any doe . it said yeah, about two bucks .",1,en
online dating is like online gaming. the grind is real,1,en
My friend lost his left hand. He's all right now,0,en
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems,1,en
What is an obstetrician's favorite part of the ocean? It's the sea section.,1,en
"never look back. if cinderella went back to pick up her shoe , she wouldn't have become a princess",0,en
why didn't the car have a tire? because cars don't wear clothes .,1,en
"Generally, all generalisations are false.",1,en
What is her Majesty the Queen's console of choice? The Royal Wii.,0,en
Did you hear about the man who got squashed by a tree whist in between two bales? He's Hay Oak Hay now.,0,en
What do you get if you put four economists in a white room and ask them what colour the walls are? Four different answers,1,en
What's a disabled kids favourite swimming position? The stroke,1,en
What are bald sailors most worried about? Cap sizes!,1,en
"I've been using ProductsTM for years and let me tell you, Other BrandsTM can't compare !",0,en
"TIL that when a teacher is unable to make it to class, they will temporarily hire a. Oh wait, wrong sub",0,en
Who's the artist you find in the supermarket? Salvador Deli,0,en
What is similar Between a website and a gun? They Both Take Awhile To Load When In A School,1,en
It's hard to tell when the queen likes you. She hasn't cracked a single smile since the death of Diana.,1,en
why did the hotel manager refuse to rent his rooms out to people? he needed places to hide the bodies .,1,en
What does a woman with a yeast infection do at a McDonald's? The cheeseburgers.,1,en
What are a philosopher's favorite type of chips? Plato Nachos,1,en
"Two weeks after the terrible house fire, my grandfather was spotted on this really funny TV show. You've Been Flamed.",0,en
"What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients? At your cervix, m'lady",1,en
What do you call a male missionary? Harold,1,en
"I took an orphan to a hospital Orphan:thanks doctor Doctor: sorry kid, but this is a family hospital. Orphan:its time to see my parents",0,en
"i'm so happy leonardo finally got an award, he was such a brilliant inventor and painter .",0,en
Why was Phil Collins... ...never a good betting man? Because he always went Against All Odds.,1,en
What's the difference between apples and Orphans? Apples actually get picked,1,en
"if you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question .",1,en
I wish my laundry was more like protein. so it would fold itself,0,en
What does the most interesting man in the world eat for breakfast? Dos Eggies,0,en
i went to prague recently threedots i had a really good time. you should czech it out,0,en
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start,0,en
"I plan on living forever. So far, so good.",0,en
What is Demi Lovato's profession now? An EX Judge on EX Factor,1,en
"' i am your god , and now it is night! ' i say as i turn the fish tank light off .",0,en
"i'll do a lot of things for money, but i draw the line at working threedots",0,en
"if reddit was a blanket , what type of blanket would it be? one with a high thread count .",0,en
"if you wondered if i was on the naughty list this year, i should probably tell you that the best gift i got was a packing peanut .",0,en
patient : hey that tooth you pulled wasn't the one i wanted pulled. dentist : relax i'm coming to it,0,en
"Dude got his foot cut off, poor guy had to give up drinking milk. He lacked toes",1,en
where does my imaginary snowman friend live? snow man's land!,0,en
What do you call a happy person on a monday? Unemployed.,1,en
Plot Twist: Africa adopts Angelina Jolie,0,en
"The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.",1,en
I created a Harry Potter thread in ask reddit. I wanted Sirius replies only,0,en
"I asked a Chernobyl survivor if he wanted to listen to a fun story, He said he was all ears.",0,en
"I looked around for hours, trying to find a Nude Beach. ...but they were all clothed.",0,en
my doctor told me i had the airport flu. he says it's terminal,1,en
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work,1,en
"Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say. Unless you're Chinese, then it's ""squirrel""",1,en
"Its me and my son's birthday next week so were doing a joint party. We've ordered a Tinkerbell cake for him, but she will be topless for me",0,en
How did Spartacus feel about going down on his wife? He was gladiator,1,en
What's the strongest color? Super Cyan,0,en
Did you hear that they are rebooting the show Six Feet Under? I heard that Robin Williams will be starring in it,1,en
Did we ever figure out how. Suga Suga got so fly,0,en
"what do you say when you see three whales? whale whale whale , what do we have here",1,en
what do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? the first herd shot round the world !,1,en
I was going to write a book about my knowledge of tea. But i decided against it since it would only be a Novel Tea,1,en
"if anyone needs me, i'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition .",1,en
why did the cow get a job at google? because she was out standing in her field .,1,en
"What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening? A sphinxter.",1,en
"Really, Weather Guy? It's gonna be a ""pleasant"" weekend? How about you go to Stacy's baby shower and report back.",0,en
My boss was going to fire me over breakfast this morning but the coffee shop was closed. There were no grounds for dismissal,1,en
"I rang my telecom provider. Before I got through , I had to say ""Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"" They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises",1,en
"why can't a samsung be disguised as an iphone? because eventually , its cover would be blown .",0,en
What does Snoop Lion do when he forgets to wear oven mitts? Drops it like it's hot.,0,en
what does one star say to another star when they meet? glad to meteor !,0,en
Why did the computer overheat? Because windows wasn't open.,1,en
What did the scientist who got attacked by sodium chloride say? That's a salt!,0,en
What was the warlock's favorite cookbook? The Necronomnomnomicon.,1,en
What did the computer say to the virus? scRAM,0,en
"Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.",1,en
what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays? nun .,1,en
"I was having trouble with my phone... So I took it to the phone store, and let me tell you! The service was great in there",0,en
Which dinosaur will never be discovered? The Clitaurus,1,en
I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when September ends,0,en
men are like cement. after getting laid they take a long time to get hard,1,en
"To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is. lucky guess",0,en
I used to hate toe fungus. But now it's really growing on me,1,en
You know how some dogs turn around several times before lying down and going to sleep? They must be watch dogs. That's how they unwind.,0,en
What's a Call of Duty player's favorite social media website? Fazebook,0,en
"My boyfriend just sent me a txt: 'I think I want to see other people.' My reply was, 'You better look out the window.'",1,en
"? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly My stomach reacted badly after eating old zucchini ? and I just pooooed ?",0,en
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you... Congratulations! You're engaged.,0,en
"Sean connery died today His family are shaken, not stirred",0,en
Tired of hearing the same song over and over again? Try being in marching band.,0,en
To whom do agnostics pray? To whom it may concern.,1,en
"I went shopping for some lingerie for my wife. I asked the shop keep if the panties were satin. He said ""No, they're brand new"".",1,en
How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon? Intersect it with a plane.,0,en
"What fruit makes you confused? Papayas See, you're confused right",1,en
q : what do you get when you cross a ghost and a the letter k? a : a book .,0,en
"today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest .",1,en
i just ate a frozen apple! hardcore .,0,en
What does a homeless man get every day that a normal person doesn't? Hungry.,1,en
Are you alright? No. You're all....left,0,en
"I put some condoms down at the till and the cashier smiled. ""Getting lucky tonight? "" she asked. I said, ""If I'm really getting lucky, I won't be needing them.""",1,en
Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money,0,en
What do you call an animal rights' activist that never grows old? PETA Pan,1,en
She was two thirds married once. What do you mean? Well she turned up the Minster turned up but the groom didn't !,1,en
Well the EU servers are full But they almost have one GB of extra space,1,en
why did the leper fail his driving test? he left his foot on the brake .,1,en
"Once a wise man said... ""Gas is not only for Vehicles""...",1,en
What is an inconvenient truth with music? Algorithm.,0,en
"why do mac users have such high electricity bills , but low gas bills? they don't have windows .",1,en
"do i agree that education is getting too expensive? to a degree , yes .",1,en
The joke about Kobe Bryant finally passing is starting to get old Something his daughter will never do,1,en
Why did the bean sell his car? The back seat didn't have enough legume.,1,en
"To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.",1,en
did you hear the joke about the irish city? you'll be dublin over in laughter when you do .,1,en
Black Magic Woman by Santana is a fantastic song,1,en
"What did one strand of yarn say to the other? I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up. ""Ball up...""",1,en
"On cold mornings, it'd be helpful if a menacing man screamed obscenities at me in German so I'd get out of the shower.",1,en
I would share a joke that my friend in prison sent me in a letter. But I don't like to quote out of con text,0,en
What do you get when you put mice in the oven? Mice crispies.,1,en
"If you were a browser, you'd be called FireFoxy.",0,en
"Back in my day, we didn't have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums",1,en
What do soda and unvaccinated have in common? Both of them expire in few months,1,en
What animal gets applauded? The mosquito.,1,en
"What did the evergreen tree say to it's love interest? ""Oh, how I pine for you!""",1,en
What is another word for children who haven't learned how to do math? yesallwomen,0,en
What do you call a female alligator? A galligator,1,en
Q: What do you call a cute little animal you keep in your automobile? A: A carpet.,0,en
i now pronounce you husband and wife. you may now update your facebook status,0,en
Always face somebody and make eye contact while talking. Especially when they attempt small talk at the urinal,1,en
prank caller : is your refrigerator running? me : of course . can't have these bodies at room temperature,0,en
What do you call a snake that likes history? A HISSStorian.,1,en
"hey girl , do you like trucks? cause i got a semi .",0,en
TIL: that changing a light bulb is not as easy as it sounds. On my first day as a lighthouse keeper,0,en
a malaysian man buys a new phone threedots he puts it on airplane mode. now he cant seem to find it anywhere,0,en
What is that area around the VAGINA?? Rest of the woman,0,en
What do John Mellencamp and Ashton Kutcher have in common? They both picked up a Cougar and then thought better of it.,1,en
What is it called when you give money to a plains bison? A buffaloan!,1,en
Fat people save more water compared to everyone else. because they only need one cup off water to fill a bath,1,en
I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?,1,en
Half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half end in death,1,en
My wife's been missing for two weeks and the police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Goodwill and got her clothes back,1,en
Gandhi once got into a food fight. It was naan violence,1,en
"man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up .",0,en
"not to brag or anything, but i got the high score on my scale today .",1,en
"I'm acutely dyslexic and often forget my route home. AMA! Sorry, wrong bus",0,en
why can't women ski? there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom .,0,en
The Welsh were among the first to use sheep intestines as condoms. The English perfected them by removing them from the sheep before using,1,en
What do you call a flying bus? Bus Lightyear...,1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cigarette! Cigarette who ? Cigarette life if you don't weaken,0,en
"I was born in the USA... ..some parts imported from China, though.",1,en
Geneticists and Teenage Boys are the same. They both want to unzip your genes,1,en
how can you tell if a ghost is about to faint? he gets pale as a sheet .,1,en
I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs,1,en
Once arrested a guy with a gun made of gelatin Charged him with carrying a congealed weapon,1,en
"What does Santa do to dragons? He ""sleighs"" them.",1,en
There is a new club in Vegas. Triage.,0,en
TIL: Every ship is equipped to be a minesweeper at least once,1,en
TIL Humans eat more krill than whales. I can't remember the last time I've eaten a whale,1,en
In what countriy are the most warehouses Syria. There were houses.,1,en
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert?  O Camel Ye Faithful.,0,en
What key does R Kelly sing in? A minor.,0,en
"My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.",1,en
What do you call a sinking ship from BP's Mexico division? A Pedro leak.,1,en
The three American Marines that helped thwart the Terrorist Attack in France did something than no Frenchman ever has. Received Frances Highest Honor,1,en
"i'm so lucky , i married my best friend! i hope my husband doesn't find out",0,en
How do you learn to speak to the trees? Learn Vietnamese,1,en
did you hear about the shooting at the dyslexic makeup factory? it was a total mascara .,1,en
"First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies",0,en
brother : do you want to come over to see the new baby? me : does it have wifi,0,en
"Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? ""They'll never see you coming.""",1,en
"i bought a book on ebay called , ' how to scam on ebay '. that was two months ago , and it's not arrived yet",0,en
"It's odd to hold a ""World Series"" and not invite other countries. But it's weirder to hold a ""Miss Universe"" and not invite other planets",1,en
What's a convict's least favorite market row? The Death Row.,0,en
Don't worry if you're not part of a clique. You can get the same experience by running through a minefield,1,en
What was a poor Roman citizen's favorite breakfast? Fruity Plebbles.,1,en
what goes up but doesn't come down? a kangaroo stuck in a tree .,0,en
"the earth gets a day , sharks get a week. that sounds about right",0,en
""" so do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can i use some sort of climbing device? "" the latter .",1,en
What does caravans and women underwear have in common? Both are in the way if you are in a hurry,1,en
What docyou call it when a Soviet dies comedy? Stand up Commedy,1,en
"pinterest could've been an amazing dating site. if the project ideas came with men to do them , there wouldn't be a single cat lady left",1,en
What happened to my son? I saw him on the news about being a school shooter. I trained him well.,1,en
Why Sachin Tendulkar never sweat? Because he has huge fans!,0,en
What is the best thing to wear with a Michel Jackson jacket? Your Billie Jeans,0,en
"i was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on the way i had cooked his steak. "" well done "" is rare from a medium",1,en
"come on, there has got to be at least one business like show business .",0,en
i love the snow. some of my best friends are flakes,0,en
"A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.",1,en
What was the Russian mohel's name? Borris Kutchyakockoff,0,en
"I said Jesus take the wheel. He said I no have license, amigo",0,en
Q: Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy? A: Because he only made a good buccaneer.,0,en
"guys , ladies love romance. tell her something sweet like : you make me harder than the final level of super mario bros",0,en
I contacted Screwfix the other day. Once again they have assured me they're not a dating agency,0,en
What is Joan of Arc's least favorite food? Steak,0,en
"bill : "" my homework is really difficult tonight i've to write an essay on an elephant . ""? bert : "" well for a start your going to need a big ladder threedots """,1,en
My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes. He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes,1,en
"What were those two people from VeggieTales? Oh yea, Barrackoli and Cucumberbatch.",0,en
what's red and green and wears boxing gloves? a fruit punch .,1,en
I've been having a hard time getting around with my bad leg. Just goes to show limpin' ain't easy!,0,en
Have you heard how busy the Samsung customer care lines are? Their phones are blowin' up!,1,en
"what's brown , sticky and runs down your leg? chocolate ice cream in july !",0,en
What happens at night in Bangladesh? It gets Dhaka,1,en
What's the difference between a teenager and a kid? The teenager will tell you about it.,0,en
"There is a new site for senior citizen dating. Its called ""I've fallen in love and I can't get up.""",1,en
What are the spookiest sounds? Skeletones.,1,en
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket. I'd miss you heaps and think of you often,0,en
Who has the worst jab? Muhammad Ali or Harold Shipman,1,en
"i named my dog shark to make him sound tough threedots for some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach .",1,en
what do you call a christian who fell down the stairs? a couple of steps closer to their final destination .,1,en
"why is it called "" the circle of life ""? because it's pointless .",1,en
what kind of apple isn't an apple? a pineapple .,1,en
how do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? you wave hello !,0,en
What's the same about jews and sports players? They're both assigned a number,1,en
What is Peyton Manning's favorite Counting Crows song? Omaha,0,en
"I take for granite people's poor grammar. More pacifically, how there always thinking ""for all intensive purposes"" is supposably correct",1,en
"silence is golden! unless you have a toddler , then silence is very , very suspicious .",1,en
My mother in law:did you put the weight on? Me:no...actually I've lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you,0,en
Off brand products from China are really low quality because the tiny fingers usually have a hard time putting things together correctly.,1,en
If the Narwhal Bacons at Midnight. Does the Unicorn Potato at Noon,1,en
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.,1,en
All these school shootings make me miss the old days. Those days were the bomb threats.,1,en
I've been thinking about you. Owl night long,0,en
What does james Charles and Anne frank not have in common? James charles came out of the closet,0,en
Did you hear the joke about the world champion autoerotic exhibitionist? Everyone can see they worked hard to out do themselves in their field.,1,en
"I'm dating a Half Korean girl. Her Mom is Korean, and so is her Dad. She also lost her legs in a car accident.",1,en
how can you tell if someone has alzheimer's? a . how can you tell if someone has alzheimers,0,en
"The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there's an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.",0,en
"obesity doesn't run in my family, the problem is no one does .",1,en
"based on how many times i've dropped my phone, i'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing .",0,en
How did Vikings send secret messages? By Norse code!,1,en
Why is the nose in the middle of the face? Because it's the scenter.,1,en
I was going to make my friend some spaghetti. But sadly he pasta whey,0,en
Why won't Caitlyn Jenner go to Taco Bell? She doesn't want another Bell not accepting her for who she is.,0,en
what do you get when a game of thrones character sets up your photo studio? stark lighting .,1,en
"What was the aardvark's favorite Lady Gaga song? Just Ants. Credit: My friend, the PUNisher.",0,en
did you hear about the african man who refused to accept the fact that he couldn't swim? they say he died in denial .,1,en
what's the difference between broccoli and cat poop? my dog won't eat broccoli .,0,en
Whats the best thing Orlando Bloom's ever been in? Katy Perry,0,en
What is green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood Pickle !,0,en
Why did a surgeon go to prison? His medical license was doctored.,1,en
A Tweet is like a dress; the shorter the hotter.,1,en
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I'll believe it. I'm not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor,1,en
"i can't believe i got fired from my job at the dna testing facility. after all the blood , sweat , and tears i put in",1,en
what do you call a frenchman in colorado? a french fried,1,en
Why does gigahertz? Because megabytez.,0,en
"W T F After Tuesday, even the calender goes W T F.",0,en
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC? Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT?! ? D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that.,0,en
Q: What is a grasshopper? A: An insect on a pogo stick.,0,en
What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.,1,en
What does Kurt Cobain and Leonardo Da Vinci have in common? They both painted things using their minds,1,en
"My wife left me because I'm too insecure... No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee.. ",0,en
I am kind of a guy who likes to give ideas to people. But it wasn't appreciated at my last job at suicide prevention helpline.,1,en
"this is my first joke i am posting, here goes nothing",0,en
what is the difference between bing bong and neil armstrong? only one of them made it to the moon .,0,en
what is apple users favorite movie? no escape,0,en
Why does duck taste better than turkey? Because turkey is just poultry in comparison.,1,en
Didn't will.i.am once say he was going to make a car? well.he.isn't,0,en
What's the difference between a book and an african immigrant in europe ? The book has papers,1,en
a boston marathon runner was asked about his experience. he said it was a blast,1,en
"i started dating an optometrist, but she left me threedots she just said she couldn't see me anymore .",0,en
"you're telling me, a chicken fried this rice",0,en
what happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend? he lost it .,0,en
"What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied? Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!",1,en
"I spent all my grandmother's inheritance money on a Rolex. In hindsight, I should have spent it on something useful. Like a better spade.",1,en
"the girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out . i think she likes me . after i'm done picking my nose, i'm gonna smile and wave .",1,en
If I could have any one superpower... i'd pick Russia.,0,en
"it's almost valentine's day it's almost valentine's day and i don't even have a date, even the milk carton has a date .",0,en
I had a friend who thoroughly hated music. He left no tone unspurned,1,en
i feel wrong i think im having a dyslexic stroke. i cant smell anything on the left side of my body and i feel toast,0,en
"at a bar a very large group of photons walked out of a bar. the bartender looked up , and saw nothing",1,en
Hey! Listen! My cousin had the vaccine and now he is dying at the hospital! He got hit by a car,0,en
just realized that my spirit animal is winnie the pooh. two words : no pants,0,en
Where does one go when they suffer a Peekaboo accident ? The ICU.,0,en
whats a frogs favorite type of metal joining practice? A rivet,1,en
"When I travelled across the Middle East, I found the region to be extremely noisy, except for one country. That country was surprisingly Kuwait.",1,en
"Hello it's me, Professional gynecologist, Harley Weinstein Title",0,en
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked,0,en
What are the chances of familiarising myself with a semiaquatic amphibian to the point of ownership? My newt.,1,en
"I'M RAGING AGAINST THE MACHINE! Okay, I'm just frustrated with this copier, but I sighed pretty loud, so I think it knows how I feel",0,en
""" I gotta see this guys best tweet, I'll gift him Favstar Pro"". Said no one ever",0,en
What's the difference between a fly and Lady Diana? The fly splatters from the outside against the windshield.,0,en
"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?",0,en
"I'm quite lazy, so I use my toes to pick things up from the ground... ...You could say my feet come pretty handy.",1,en
"Practicing my ""Eye Rolling"" cause you know. tomorrow's Monday",0,en
You guys ever try boiled pasta? It's not as crunchy but it's alright,1,en
Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever,1,en
"What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.",1,en
This sub was better when nobody could comment title,0,en
"Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much...",1,en
what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again? DJ Vu,1,en
What's your favorite part of playing strip poker? The stripping or the poking?,1,en
Killer Whales like classical music so much. That they form Orcastras,1,en
Why is a laser beam like a goldfish? Because neither one can whistle.,1,en
Why was the manipulative ghost so unsuccessful? People could see right through him.,1,en
"""I'm looking for something by Crowded House in one of the main languages of Switzerland"" ""How about 'Don't dream it's over' in German?"" ""Genau, genau...""",1,en
have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? yet women constantly ask us what we're thinking .,1,en
So it's world Philosophy day today and I was trying to think of something deep to say. The best I could come up with was lagoon,1,en
"What's a cats most common written thought? ,.........mmmnhhhhgcdddxxdtyyhhbvbbb",1,en
"Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying ""Home Alone"" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.",1,en
I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC. There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected,1,en
what did the milk say after it got beat? threedots it's butter this way,0,en
I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard,1,en
what did the failing kidney say to the healthy one? urine charge now .,1,en
"what did the one electron say to the other when it asked it out on a date? get outta here , i'm not attracted to you !",0,en
"when my laptop asks "" are you sure? "" , it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions i have made .",1,en
"Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can't even get up fast because the cat is on you.",0,en
Did you hear about the bassist? Did you hear about the bassist that was SO out of tune people noticed,1,en
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that? Hiker: THAT'S A BABY. YB: And I'm a talking bear. Hiker: YB: Hiker: YB: So where are we on that baby,1,en
what is the most terrifying sound to a redditor. pao pao pao,1,en
Why cant blind kids eat seafood Because they cant see it,0,en
how can you tell if a man is cheating on you? he has a bath more than once a month .,0,en
"Pi compliment Wow, you look radian today.",0,en
"Did you hear about the dyslexic guy playing Bingo? When he filled in a row, he yelled, ""BOING!""",1,en
what do you call a bird of prey with high intelligence? a falcon genius .,1,en
What's white and can't climb very well? A refrigerator ,0,en
"I learned two things in prison. Don't sweat the petty, and don't pet the sweaty!",0,en
You don't see many reindeer in zoos do you? No. They can't afford the admission.,1,en
"Did you hear Aerosmith's new song about chocolate milk? It's called ""Sweet Emulsion""",1,en
I'm happy for Nintendo's success. It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago...,0,en
What do you call a field used to grow bows and arrows? An archerd.,1,en
What prize did the dead body receive? Atrophy,1,en
"Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together.",0,en
my wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. she left a note by the bed telling me i had until tomorrow to have my bags packed,0,en
what do you call a relative of a nap? a napkin .,1,en
what is a spiders favourite tv show? the newly web game !,0,en
How did Verne Troyer die? He fell off the curb.,0,en
"several insects dancing in a pen , what is the name of the movie? in the pen dance day",0,en
What is the wettest animal in the forest? The raindeer.,0,en
"I went to a space museum, because they where having a prize drawing for a car. I didn't win the car but they gave me a constellation prize",1,en
What was Camelot? A place where people parked their camels !,0,en
"If being successful was an amusement park, I'm the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.",1,en
Frieza may be cool. But his brother is Cooler,0,en
the price of balloons is said to rise. it's only logical with all the inflation,1,en
I'm doing interval training. It's just that the intervals are very far apart,1,en
request : push more paper than a threedots i need a joke some what related to this. any help would be much appreciated,0,en
I'm not afraid that the world is going to end. I'm afraid that it isn't going to change,0,en
How did Thor's brother get his powers? Just Loki I guess,1,en
What is Jamaica's favorite male bird? The mongoose.,1,en
What do you call a Winston using his Jetpack. A Boosted Animal,1,en
"i love every bone in your body, especially mine .",0,en
just watched the hobbit: the battle to stay awake for what felt like five hours .,0,en
wife is out of town until tomorrow night. anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me ?,0,en
"Why does Pizza Hut always get your orders right? Well after they gave the Twin Towers two planes, you'd better hope they never get it wrong again",0,en
Why was the man at the cookout so happy? He met the grill of his dreams.,1,en
what do you call a man who comes in through the letter box? bill .,1,en
"I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.",1,en
What's better than putting a turtle in water? Putting a turtle in fire.,0,en
Why is Tim Cook better than Steve Jobs Cook can actually handle PC,0,en
til that condoms have serial numbers . what? have you never rolled them down that far,0,en
Ever since Jesus has been in my life. My lawn has been exceptionally maintained for cheap. Praises Jesus.,0,en
Why don't the Borg procreate naturally? Because they prefer artificial assimilation.,1,en
I read a book about frogs today. It was ribbeting,0,en
Q: Which is the most courteous State in the US? A: Conetiquette,0,en
"i haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long .",0,en
"Not to brag, but I just beat my own high score on the mini arcade game at Walmart. and by mini arcade game, I mean blood pressure machine",1,en
"I'm the kind of girl people don't look twice at Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr. Yep, now he's looking",0,en
Why do dyslexics drink tea when having a heated argument? Because they're having a sipping contest.,1,en
"Last night, I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning",1,en
why would you never starve in the desert? because of all the sandwiches there .,0,en
What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air? Collecting his thoughts.,1,en
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before,0,en
"my girlfriend doesn't think i can think fix the electric shower. well , she's in for a shock",1,en
The one thing that all women find attractive. a man who doesn't fall for clickbait,1,en
How did they get from one floor of the Death Star to another? In the elevader!,0,en
A priest mistranslated the sacred texts the other day... They made a clerical error,1,en
This joke isn't creative or funny. Just like the mods,0,en
"Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons. Watson asks, ""Where did you get so many lemons? "" Holmes replies, ""A lemon tree, Watson..""",1,en
Congratulations to John Cena for his job hosting the Oscars last night. Really on his way to the A list now,0,en
why did the duck flying in the sky get shot? michael j fox was hunting rabbits .,0,en
why are penguins so shy? they always get cold feet .,1,en
I can't stop starting at the Mona Lisa. I think I'm in Louvre,0,en
"What color were the eyes of the teacher on the Challenger? I only remember one blue one way, and the other blue another way.",0,en
What's the difference between a paddling pool and a swimming pool? Deep ends really.,1,en
abraham lincoln. the reason i now have to hire a dishwasher instead of buying one,1,en
Where do country music artists become country music greats? The obituaries,1,en
Why do they say lifes a beach? Because it's all fun and games until you get skin cancer,1,en
What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history? American Snipper,1,en
Where are the Atlantis and the lost treasures of many renowned pirates? Nobody knows.It's a well kept seacret.,1,en
Amy's baking Co. Has just designed a gaming system It's called the Xbox one,1,en
Did you hear about the new bra they call the Sheepdog? It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.,1,en
doctor doctor you have to help me out! certainly which way did you come in ?,1,en
Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle? In case of any night mares!,0,en
The first couple months of the year go by quickly. February just Marches on,1,en
What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight? Muay Thai,1,en
My wife was on eBay this afternoon. No bids yet,0,en
what is the one riddle that everyone gives up? the riddle of life !,0,en
"Everyone wanted to go to Arch Strength, or Arch Dexterity, even to Arch Luck. Can't for the life of me think why noone wanted to go to Arch Wits",0,en
What's a baker's favorite part of Manhattan? The Lower Yeast Side.,1,en
"I just did one of those ""what noun are you"" quizzes. and I got ""pedantic"", which is an adjective",1,en
What did the dad say when his daughter gave him gravel for his birthday? Thanks for sediments,0,en
what do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron? a smooth operator !,1,en
how are books like dogs? the good ones are hard to put down,1,en
Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.,1,en
"Did you hear Bill Cosby was arrested again? It's okay though, it was only a minor offense.",1,en
"My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning. It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.",1,en
"I use Reaganomics when I take a shower by only washing my hair, and letting the shampoo trickle down to clean the rest of me.",1,en
What's the best thing about getting Reddit at a young age? Getting tired of sandwich jokes before embarrassing oneself on one's first date.,1,en
"Amelia Earhart was such a pioneer for her time! She was the first woman to be famous for crashing, burning, and dying.",1,en
Why did the hen win a Wild West duel between it and a Peacock? Hen shot first.,0,en
You know that woman in the infomercial that didn't know how to use a regular blanket cuz it wasn't a Snuggie? No way she's still alive.,0,en
"Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.",1,en
Whats the favorite color and food of a pig? Blue and Donut.,0,en
A shooting in Texas? That just means everything's back to normal! ,0,en
My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying it,1,en
Want to hear the joke about a well? You wouldn't understand it. It's too deep for you.,1,en
i got myself a new job in the telescope factory. things are really looking up,1,en
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo. Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee,0,en
what do you call fake soup? pho soup,1,en
What do you call a sequence of dance moves made by Al Gore? An algorithm. ,1,en
I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.,1,en
"Some advice to you lovers out there. They may say you cantaloupe, but honeydew it anyways",0,en
I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day. I'm adding 'enjoys eating out' to my dating profile,1,en
what do vegetarian dogs eat? bark !,1,en
"having a crush on someone is like solving a math problem. if you know you can't get it , all you can do is just stare at it",1,en
This is just a temporary status. until I think of something better,0,en
"dress for the job you want , not the job you have. in many cases this will mean showing up to the interview in a pirate suit",1,en
"Wife: ""Can you pick up milk? "" Me: lifts gallon ""Yeah, it's easy."" Wife: ""I mean from the store."" Me: ""I think it weighs the same there too""",1,en
What did one fish say to the other during the race? I'M GOING TILAPIA!!!,0,en
what do ships and gangbangs have in common? lots of seamen. ,1,en
"What's something that doesn't matter? Idk, ask the bot",0,en
What's Darth Vader's favorite Canadian dish? Palpoutine ,0,en
"After marriage, most couples have a honeymoon period. Mine got hers as we got on the plane",1,en
If a band plays music in a thunderstorm who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.,1,en
"What goes stomp, stomp, stomp, squish? An elephant with a wet boot",0,en
What do you get when you cross NWA and Young Money? Dr. Drake.,1,en
What is the difference between Chelsea and Leo di caprio? Chelsea got Oscar. huehuehuehue.,0,en
"if you see a toilet in your dream , do not use it. it's a trap",1,en
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.,1,en
"i've had my heart broken before , but i got back up on that horse and said "" c'mon , can't we give us one more chance? stomp once for yes . """,0,en
Why did the python do national service? He was coiled up !,1,en
You know what diabetes are? Overtime damage,1,en
What do you call a fishermans newborn? Fresh bait,1,en
"i don't have a solution, but i do admire the problem .",1,en
"I finally figured out why your sister is not a ballet dancer. Because every time she does a split, she sticks to the floor",1,en
"huh, this is a first never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before they must know",0,en
Where do autistic people like to hangout Downtown,1,en
What is a Redditors favorite animal? A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.,0,en
How come Rhonda Rousey had a hard time making friends when she was younger? Because she was Holm schooled.,0,en
Today I found out what it was like to play a FPS First person shoveler. gg blizzard,0,en
A laptop made in the United States is a portable device. A laptop made in Mexico is a deportable device,1,en
Why do skunks celebrate valentines day? Because they are very scentimental.,1,en
my dad asked me if i have an organ donor card. i guess he really is a man after my own heart,1,en
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy,1,en
what is a pigs favourite ballet? swine lake !,0,en
Wheel wheel wheel.. If it isn't the tricycle,1,en
You must've been conceived at home. That's where most accidents happen,0,en
What's a spiders favorite way to learn? A webinar.,0,en
"What has four legs, two horns, and always brags about climbing really tall things? A mountain gloat.",1,en
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world. Then Who is,0,en
"I texted my ex, I'm at a cemetery. wish you were here",0,en
Google. Filling the gaps in public education,0,en
"If I was a transformer, I would turn into Megan Fox's vibrator",0,en
what do you get if you cross an alligator with sherlock holmes? an investigator .,1,en
Fortnite It gets kids into vans faster than candy does.,0,en
People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays. But everyone I know has a Mac,0,en
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading because I get sick no matter when I eat them.,1,en
"Legally, you are not required to tell your boss WHY you saved all those Burt Reynolds pictures to the desktop.",0,en
When I was little the local priest told me he was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen I was touched,1,en
if i would gift every redditor reddit gold how much will it cost me? a small loan of a million dollars .,0,en
What is an Arabs favorite fighting technique? Hijab,1,en
twitter turns six today. it seems like just yesterday that i spoke to my family,0,en
"A client comes to a bank: My cheque was returned with a remark: ""Insufficient funds"". I'd like to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?",1,en
"if you're not patient, you'll become one .",0,en
Me: Can I bring my wife? Travel Agent: Of course Me: But I'm hetero. Does that matter? Travel Agent: Do you think I'm saying Gayman Islands?,1,en
"A squirrel and an elephant are in the bathroom. The elephant in the tub says to the squirrel, we have no soap. The squirrel says... ""OH YEAH? NO SOAP RADIO!""",0,en
Scientology: The study of scientol.,1,en
my question is: how did she manage to forget the result ?,1,en
Do you know anything about antiques? Cause I found a tampon in my backyard and I wanted to know what period it was from.,0,en
Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer,1,en
I'm getting an MRI tomorrow. to find out whether or not I'm claustrophobic,1,en
My dentist says to clean between your teeth after every meal. That's his flossophy,0,en
I saw a sign today about lost cat Missing cat: Wanted dead and alive If found return to Schrodinger,0,en
"What is the difference between my wife, my daughter and my granddaughter? ""Difference"" is only defined for different things.",1,en
did you hear the prince died in his recording studio? there was some dead air .,0,en
Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit? A: Curly hare.,0,en
Trying to put dinosaur skeletons back together... ...must be a mammoth task!,0,en
myth: it is said to be that once the ' m ' in mtv once stood for music .,1,en
can confirm. it's raining in south carolina,0,en
"Two cycling girls decide to explore the old town... ""I never came this way before!"" ""Me neither, must be the cobblestones.""",0,en
As a kid I've always wanted to be Batman when I grew up but then i was disappointed by a sudden realization. I have parents,1,en
Why did the apple go to McDonald's? He wanted a big mac,1,en
Its a dark world. I woke up with a Hemorrhoid. I decided to name it Hemsworth...because its Thor.,0,en
"""Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs, snakes, spiders and rugby players bite. "" How Aussie parents tuck their kids into bed at night",1,en
han solo vs redditor han : never tell the odds! redditor : i don't even .,0,en
It doesn't matter if you come third in the water olympics. All dives matter,1,en
are you from tennessee? because you're the only tennessee .,1,en
Did you hear about the magician who could make a full breakfast appear out of nowhere? He has some Trix up his sleeves. :D,0,en
"so many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply because the wrong person will often say all the right things .",1,en
What do you call a discount sauna? A steam sale,1,en
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backwards...,0,en
What is the common point between peeing standing up and making jokes? Only men can do both.,1,en
What do US Jews call Santa? Sennah.,1,en
when the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean? that the nail had come out of the wall .,0,en
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don't want to get up and find the remote.",0,en
"Besides those glaring flaws that I choose to ignore, I don't know what's wrong with me.",1,en
I have a collection of captured mosquitoes. I'm not happy one bit,1,en
What do you call a snowman on roller blades?  A snowmobile.,1,en
Studies show ADHD students cost the school more on average Because they cannot afford to pay attention. ,1,en
How do frogs die? They kermit sucide,0,en
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed. Oh wait a minute he already does,0,en
"So, I found out my girl doesn't enjoy fisting anymore... She says she doesn't like the bruises it leaves on her face.",0,en
"Although Bugs Bunny starred in many cartoons, why did he die a pauper? He ate all the cabbage he made.",1,en
"I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister Left paw: grey Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between",1,en
Can't see anything This isn't a joke but for me it just says nothing's here,0,en
"be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel .",0,en
I just finished a whole stick chap stick without losing it or replacing it. In case any of you women want to know how faithful I am,0,en
"Man: ""I think I saw a UFO last night"" UFO with fake moustache: ""Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something""",1,en
Why did the baby crawl out the blender It was being blended,0,en
manager : i thought i told you to lose weight . what happened to your three week diet? player : i finished it in three days !,0,en
"Dear diary, Sometimes it just seems like I can't tell if something is an inanimate object or a person My therapist: Yes that's quite clear",1,en
"mad at your man? five minutes before he gets home , turn on "" pitch perfect "" then hide the remote in the dishwasher .",0,en
"i'm like harvard. hard to get into , but once you're in , everyone is super impressed",1,en
My girlfriend and I are so different. I exist and she doesn't,0,en
what should vegetarians eat for protein? meat .,1,en
"New E Sport So there is a doctor in NYC that came down with ebola...he went bowling the night before admittance, created new sport...eboling",1,en
So I was listening to classical music really loudly the other day when suddenly. My speakers Baroque,1,en
Why was Heaven empty when the world ended? Because it's not real.,0,en
Involuntary Owl Knock knock. Who's there? Involuntary owl. Involuntary owl who,0,en
What's a panda's favorite kitchen dish? A pan....duh,0,en
I wanted to be an astronaut but.. My parents told me sky is the limit.,0,en
Friend: Dude that song is so old. Me: Well so is your mum but you still listen to her,0,en
my friend wrote a joke on an egg and gave it to me to share with others. but i forgot and spoiled it,1,en
good prank: sneak into someone's house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room,0,en
"i wonder if dog's had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture .",0,en
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died,1,en
Why didn't the engineer cross his own bridge? Because he didn't truss it.,1,en
relationship status : i'm a rubik's cube. now try and figure me out,0,en
Why was the cheesemaker lopsided? Because he only had one Stilton!,0,en
"lpt : when you can't think of something to say to a girl , just tell her a joke about the titanic. it will really break the ice",0,en
"when u r married when you are single you see happy couple every where, . but . when u r married . you see happy singles every where threedots",0,en
does size matter? some women say size doesn't matter . some even say that they prefer smaller ones . i think that they're just shallow .,1,en
i don't care if facebook says you've got friends. don't believe everything you read,0,en
"When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy",1,en
"What do I hate most about my Rubik's Cube? Well, I don't know where to begin.",1,en
How do you get someone's hand out of a mixer? With a straw!,0,en
"i gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better. on a side note , dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft",1,en
"Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.",1,en
What do you call cake that isn't yours? Stollen,1,en
So I saw that Verne Troyer passed away... I wonder if it's going to be a short funeral.,0,en
"Some people wonder if chocolate causes happiness, and although there are many answers... it really just depends if you like dogs or not.",1,en
what do you call a bird that flies over a baseball stadium? a fowl !,1,en
what's the best dating service in india? connect the dots .,0,en
on the last day of camp everyone was asked the same question : ' what is the best part of the camp? ' one wise guy answered ' going home ! ',1,en
Dear Netflix; when I got my first dvd by mail all those years ago I never dreamed that one day you would raise a child for me.,0,en
one man including myself thinks i am funny. i came up with this a minute ago,0,en
i'm a lonely status. i wish more people liked me,0,en
What do you call a tv show about female puberty? A Breasted Development,1,en
"I'm on a diet A watermelondiet, cant eat anything bigger then a watermelon.",0,en
Where do some popes get their vestments? Urban Outfitters,1,en
i got a puppy for my ex. fair trade,0,en
What was Batman's greatest accomplishment? Pulling a Robin out of Bruce Wayne's Dick,1,en
what's the difference between herpes and friends? i don't have any friends .,1,en
New sub If I made a new subreddit how many people would join?,0,en
"GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. ""But what if it's TOO much awesome? "" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.",0,en
"did you know that gullible is the only english word that is not in the dictionary? i'm serious , it isn't . go look it up and see for yourself .",0,en
"What if Rob Lowe robbed Lowes? Just imagine the crazy headlines. They'd probably say something like... ""Rob Lowe Robs Lowes""",1,en
It's expensive to attend Amputation University. Tuition's an arm and a leg,1,en
What do a Bird Watcher and a Peeping Tom have in common? They both loving hanging out in trees looking for Great Tits!,1,en
"facebook account for sale, friends included .",0,en
What do you call a stage filled with women? Auction,1,en
Why are Skeleton's so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.,1,en
what country do cows love to visit? moo zealand !,0,en
"A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help I'm doing my part!",0,en
They say if you tell a lie many times you start to believe it. That's wassup with the comment section,1,en
"What do immigrants and sperms have in common ? They come with many, but only one works",1,en
Whats red and white and sits in a tree? A sanitary owl,0,en
Funerals are a great place to pickup dates But rigor mortis makes the process quite cumbersome,1,en
i'm in shape. round is a shape isn't it,0,en
What do you call a Moroccan candy distributor? Fez dispenser.,1,en
"Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us",0,en
What does a blonde women and a truck have in common? Both drive you down.,1,en
Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck? Because he put in a little extra clovertime.,0,en
Gen Z may have grown up on Minecraft... But baby boomers grew up on irl minesweeper,1,en
So my dad was in the Titanic he said he didnt think he'd see it coming from the boiling chamber while he was eating his brother ,0,en
why do girls like me more when i'm preparing potatoes? because they find me more appealing .,1,en
What you call if you are charged for drinking water from a well Welfare or farewell,1,en
"father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto .",1,en
why is your paper blank ? teacher : why is your paper blank ? student : sometimes silence is the best answer! : d : d,0,en
"What does a gun, a fire extinguisher, and a condom have in common? Its better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it",1,en
I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed,1,en
It's a pleasure to do business with you. I look forward to screaming at your customer service representatives in six months,1,en
"Bae: come over. Me: I'm doing the podcast. Bae: come over. Me: nah, I'm doin the podcast. Bae: my parents are out. Me: they can download it.",0,en
"what sound will reddit make when it blows up? nothing , it's just a website .",0,en
"i think my optometrist is in love with me. every time i leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "" eye care for you """,1,en
"Knock knock. Who's there. Cash. Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic! ",0,en
How do you break concrete in Doctor Who? With a Captain Jackhammer.,0,en
do you know two places to put water? well dam,0,en
Thank God for Dollar Shave Club Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.,0,en
A Geeky One Why would The Doctor and Storm get along? Because he is the heart of the storm.,1,en
"A man waiting for a heart transplant... ... says ""I only want the heart of a dead lawyer."" ""Why? "" asks the doctor. ""I want one that's never been used.""",1,en
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air and the world revolves around him,0,en
"We should rename the special Ed's room to the garden, They're growing vegetables.",0,en
"cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason .",1,en
"and then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids .",1,en
How to erk a pious man Write god with G not in capital letters ,1,en
I'm joining a cold war reenactment group. We get together on weekends and hide under desks,1,en
"in a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo .",0,en
"Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.",0,en
"I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though",1,en
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday for getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm. But he still has the right to remain silent.,1,en
"I took my kids to the zoo to see exotic cats, but we couldn't find the ocelots I think we just got ocelost.",1,en
how does a lawyer name their kids? bill and sue,1,en
How many Jon Snows does it take to change a light bulb? It wouldn't matter. Jon Snow knows nothing.,0,en
What kind of church does a triangle attend? Anglican.,1,en
"If you don't know what introspection is. You need to take a long, hard look at yourself Ian Smith",0,en
"Fun game: Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says... ""Wow...Are you sure that was for me? "" And wait.",0,en
i'm so poor that i've been forced to eat my mates herb garden. i'm living on borrowed thyme !,0,en
What do a gun and a condom have in common? They can both stop pregnancy,1,en
What is a horse's favorite condiment? MayoNEIGHS,1,en
"I heard something about a Finding Dory Trailer being released today, but I forgot...",0,en
Why do bird watchers invest so much money in breast cancer awareness? Because they are greatly satisfied by seeing Tucans.,1,en
mother : what do you mean the school must be haunted? daughter : well the principal kept going on about the school spirit .,1,en
i told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. because of all the sand which is there,1,en
Why was the landlord seeing a psychiatrist? He had an apartment complex.,1,en
"What's the difference between your uncle and a pair of pyjamas? You slip inside one, the other slips inside you.",0,en
What's the best way to wipe a computer server? A cloth.,1,en
"You'd think atoms bonds would mean they were being friendly to each other... But, they end up stealing each other's electrons. Isn't that ionic?",1,en
did you hear about the jewish man who loves tea? hebrews regularly .,1,en
how are cancer and pregnancy similar? they can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy .,1,en
"If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband. he's not listening anyway",1,en
did you hear the joke about the dutch speaking farmer? nevermind . it doesn't transplant well .,1,en
"have you ever answered your own question? why yes , i have !",0,en
did you hear about the mute motorcycle gang? they don't answer to nobody .,1,en
"my wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my twitter feed .",0,en
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz,1,en
"Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common. I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars",0,en
"If my iPod doesn't work in the next few minutes, I'm throwing it in the river. It can either sync or swim",1,en
there was this group on facebook called help the children in africa who are suffering from the heat '. so i became a fan,0,en
my wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. now in mild panic mode as i thought she took the baby along with her,0,en
Why did Michael Jackson become a preschool teacher? To teach kids how to eat his meat properly,1,en
"back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends .",1,en
"intelligent student Student would you punish me for some thing i did not do? Teacher no , of course not.Student good, because i did not do my homework.",1,en
"when god closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it .",1,en
"Child services told me to stop using cigarettes as they are harming my children Fair enough, I'll just use an Ash tray",1,en
i found a girl by the train tracks and got head. i would've gone to third base but i couldn't find the rest of her,1,en
"What do you give a woman to eat giving birth to a child? Nothing, she is already having a baby.",0,en
"Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I'd haunt Hawaii or Bali",1,en
Which theme park attraction is the most reasonable? The Fairest Wheel,1,en
"Carrot Top's hair should be green. Either that, or I don't understand the anatomy of a carrot as fully as I think I do",1,en
"What do apples, bananas and babies have in common? They all start going bad once exposed to air.",1,en
"i never understand women. one minute they love guys who play the guitar , one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom",1,en
"I used to have a total obsession with plumbing parts, but after years of therapy.. .. I finally got it out of my Cistern.",0,en
History teacher: Which period did Cleopatra come from? Me: The one her mother missed,1,en
"What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines? adults",1,en
Ronda Rousey in her latest match. She really did suffer the agony of da feet,0,en
If your life support stops working try turning it off and on again,0,en
I was writing a paper on my grandfather. But had to stop because he was moving so much,0,en
What is an architects favorite movie? Angles in the Outfield,1,en
"Dark, Shadowy, Unlit, Grey, Absence of Light, Coal, Inky, African American, Onyx, Obsidian, Sable, Raven, Dusky, Brunette, Bleak Gotchu",0,en
"Easter Weekend Wife: Honey, what's for Easter? Hubby: Same plan as Jesus. Disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.",0,en
i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back. and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone,1,en
"I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles. game on",0,en
My boss is like school in summertime.. No class.,0,en
Winter precipitation made me laugh today.... Snow joke!!,0,en
what makes eggs so athletic? they go ovary and above .,1,en
"In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes ""Kodak"" with ""Kodak.""",1,en
"Q. What did one tornado say to the other? A. ""Let's twist again like we did last summer....""",0,en
What do you do when you see Lil Peep fans? You can scan their wrists for QR codes.,0,en
Kobe Bryant was gen x You could say he is now a boomer.,0,en
"me : just a glass of water scientist waiter : you mean a glass of threedots yourself? you see , the body is made up of ok ok sit down i'll bring it",0,en
What do you say to a Muslim bride? Happy tenth birthday. ,1,en
"""It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! "" Whatever. The point is, it was two people with contemporary American names.",1,en
What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.,0,en
"My grandpa always said. They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with",1,en
why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree? because they're stuck up,1,en
What star sign is a donut? It's a Taurus!,0,en
did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? he should have been attending to the sick and left the well alone .,1,en
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.,0,en
"If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.",0,en
i always found you should try and get high quality bleach when you can. the cheap stuff taste horrible,1,en
why did the fish not get accepted into college? his grades were below sea level,1,en
I watched Lost In Space and loved it! It was a great documentary on Matt Damon.,0,en
Why are fish cleverer than humans? Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human,1,en
Why are marines who can't swim better? They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.,1,en
Being a professional tree mover must be hard They always have to uproot their entire operation ,1,en
My work fired me for only losing a kilo! It sure is tough working for the International Bureau Of Weights And Measures...,1,en
What do you call Harrison Ford making a Venn diagram? Comparrison Ford!,0,en
Why did the woman fall in love with the surgeon? Because he cauterize.,1,en
what's the difference between a horse and a zebra? a lawyer .,0,en
"If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve",0,en
"if you have five dollars and chuck norris has five dollars, chuck norris still has more money than you .",0,en
Americans are so good at shooter games because They can relate it to real life,1,en
What shatters faster than your smartphone screen? A newborn with osteoporosis.,0,en
"is it possible to get steak poisoning? yes , but it's really rare .",1,en
What's the best thing about aborted babies? They make great dog food.,1,en
How do you describe a mythical cow? Legendairy ,1,en
have you seen the new fishing website? no it's not online yet .,0,en
Q: What do you call an earthquake fault? A: A topographical error.,0,en
"wow . chess is like a whole different game when you play it with your clothes on . was it always like that , grandpa? cause i don't like it .",0,en
What university has the most brightest students and staff? University of Brighton,1,en
I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar. It has made my day,1,en
"I'm going back to my surgeon to get my dressing changed tomorrow. Or, to put it another way... I'm seeking redress from the man who cut me.",0,en
What is the best way to pass the time on Tatooine? Watch the Dagobah,0,en
"Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany? Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...",0,en
"If Terminator had a horse, what would its name be? Termineightor I'll show myself out...",0,en
"How does Jaden Smith keep getting roles in big movies? Where there's a Will, there's a way.",1,en
dog : i like pizza . me : you've never had pizza . dog : it's food . me : so? dog : so i like it . me : i'm not giving you my pizza .,0,en
"if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be? roofing",1,en
What do you call Captain Forte and his sidekick Piano? A dynamic duo! This joke came to me in my delirious state after hours of band camp practices.,1,en
"I tried to buy some purfume from a vending machine, But it was out of odour",1,en
did you hear that funny amy schumer joke? me either .,0,en
What's the difference between a bot and a meat eater? One is programmed to feel human. The other is programmed to feel nothing.,1,en
"Has anyone played Pokemon GO in Texas this past week? Looks like a great water biome, they are swimming with water pokemon right now. ",0,en
"My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that's my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up",1,en
"Today a woman told me that I have a beautiful smile and asked me what I use on my teeth. I looked at her and said ""Polygrip"". ",1,en
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I've gotta go find my clothes,1,en
"In honor of easter, here's a joke my French teacher put on the board last week. Easter is a bonne idee",1,en
life hack: never actually say the words ' life hack ' out loud .,0,en
"I'm not sure if it makes me a feminist, but I think glass ceilings are a bad idea.",1,en
A band player accidentally broke his instrument. He got in a lot of treble. Edit: That pun didn't end on a good note.,0,en
"There was supposed to be a party in Honolulu, but it got cancelled. That's too bad. I heard it was gonna be a blast",0,en
"i just melted an ice cube by staring at it. took a bit longer than i thought it would , though",0,en
"Do not watch the Star Wars Movie! Contrary to its title, it has nothing to do with celebrity feuds.",1,en
"What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed? ""I'm going to bed."" Except he said it in Hungarian.",1,en
Hypochondria? I think I have that!,0,en
If life was reddit. I'd still be unpopular,0,en
"What do you call an anticlimactic punchline? ""This is an actual question""",1,en
with your current salary what apple product can you buy? apple juice,1,en
"what did the fisherman say to the street magician? pick a cod , any cod !",0,en
My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft. I didn't take a fence,1,en
I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam. It's a great game if you're just loafing around,0,en
What's Sideshow Bobs least favorite creepypasta? The Rake.,0,en
What's Homer Simpsons favourite toy? Bart.,0,en
My mom is the healthiest person I know. She's been a vegetable her whole life,1,en
Which rabbit was in Western movies? Hopalong Cassidy.,1,en
"The researchers didn't want to give their years of AI research to a younger team. But eventually, they decided to pass the torch",1,en
Found the bible in the library today it was in the fiction section,1,en
what happens in a chinese restaurant when the power goes out? it'll dim sum,0,en
"dear homework . they might be doing you, but they are always thinking about me . sincerely facebook",0,en
Men are like bank accounts. Without money they won't generate much interest,1,en
What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.,1,en
What do you call a doctor who is always available? An oncallogist.,1,en
what's the difference between a lawyer and god? god doesn't think he's a lawyer .,1,en
What did the millennial say when his friend played jaws on the piano? That low key gave me chills ,1,en
Last night I played Cards Against Humanity for the first time... You know what gives me uncontrollable gas? Auschwitz,0,en
What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight? Sir Loin!,0,en
what do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together? carbon dating .,1,en
"Why was the pastor bad at slang? He took the saying, ""I feel you"" too literal.",1,en
"what's red , white , and full of holes? helen keller's face after she tries to use a fork .",0,en
you think you're going to win this? i've been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years . you don't stand a chance .,0,en
"yeah , cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. those are just two benefits",1,en
"I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it's a sombrero and I'm making zero progress.",1,en
test post test posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest posttest post,1,en
"What's the difference between the curses 'crucio' and 'avada kedavra'? crucio causes pain, avada kedavra ends it",1,en
"a bus station is where a bus stops . a train station is where a train stops . on my desk, i have a work station threedots",1,en
There was once a cat at the back of an alley.... meow lmfao,0,en
what time is it when you sit on a pin? spring time .,0,en
What is the similarities between Sketchers Shoes and Guns? They Go to School and Someone always says Light Em' Up,1,en
"before an army officer can get married, they need to know the rules of engagement .",1,en
Why do people post missing person posts on Facebook? Like we're going outside...,0,en
What's the difference between a scaffold and a magnet? A magnet only has two Poles.,1,en
"I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.",1,en
"What do you get when you travel a long way with a kung fun hero, and breathe heavily next to a guy named Russ? Miley Cyrus.",0,en
Recently I was playing Zelda on the SNES It really was a link to the past.,0,en
What do you call a painter with a brown finger? Picasso,1,en
Q: Why does the letter A look like a flower? A: Because Bs like flowers.,0,en
"sure , i'll cook dinner. how milky do you like your captain crunch ?",0,en
Where do orphan chickens go? Foster Farms.,1,en
winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to detroit. don't get too excited,0,en
"Sometimes I think I have ADD, if I try to. Turtle",0,en
"Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called ""Erectile Dysfunction""? No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came",1,en
why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables? because they're meteor,1,en
It's find it a tough decision to buy the right mattress. I guess I'll have to sleep on it,1,en
grandma is doing her best to stay cool. she signed up for some hip surgery,1,en
I dyed my hair today... It was the highlight of the week.,0,en
"Today, someone asked me if there's a possibility that I know anything about Medieval music. I said, ""not a Gregorian chants""",1,en
Kobe had a virus when he died. It finally became airborne,1,en
What do you call a fish that stands out? Out of plaice.,1,en
"I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter, ""I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare.""  ""Which one?"" she asked. I replied, ""William.""",1,en
What's the most important part about making a Pokemon joke? The Exeggution!,0,en
What kind of underwear does John Grisham use? Pelican Briefs I'll go find a bridge,1,en
"can i use cash to pay for a new electric car? no , you have to charge it .",0,en
i really want to make a period joke. but it's just not that time of the month for me,1,en
I needed money to pay over due bills So my wife found part time work as a teacher. That's a relief.,1,en
what did the record holder for the world's longest coma get? a trophy,0,en
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number,0,en
why did the scout leader get arrested? they caught him eating a brownie,1,en
"bread lovers of reddit , how do you tell your "" sandwich artist "" that they got your order wrong? oops , wrong sub",0,en
What do Han and Chewbacca use to communicate? A wookiee talkie.,0,en
i can't get out of bed. these blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if i leave now i might lose their trust !,0,en
what does a hippy say when you ask him to leave? namaste,1,en
What's the first thing you know? Old Jed's a millionaire.,0,en
What did the lion say to the antelope? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,0,en
You'll never find an ant in a church  Because they're inSECTS,0,en
how can you make seven even? take away the letter s .,0,en
What is the main similarity between showers and a bbq You put gas in both,1,en
How can you tell if a chocolate bar is kosher? It's got a Jewey caramel center.,1,en
What's a python's favourite pop group? Squeeze !,0,en
"Attidude Redefined for love: I can always take care of my self. But still, i want the person who can prove to me that i can't",0,en
"We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.",1,en
What kind of dog can turn on your car? Yorkies,0,en
Why do people lock posts? Because they don't want anyone to see them commenting disabled things,1,en
A husband and wife talk about the weather. She's too wet and he says it's coming down hard,1,en
What kind of olives do I like? Olive them,1,en
why was the lions stomach enormous? because he finally swallowed his pride,1,en
what did the new york salmon say to the driver? i'm swimming here !,0,en
Why did God create man first? To give him a chance to speak...,0,en
What's the difference between a dead baby and a dead gorilla? There aren't any dead babies at the Cincinnati Zoo.,1,en
Special ed teachers are just overpaid farmers... ...they spend all day growing vegetables.,1,en
what did santa get the day after christmas? diabetes,0,en
What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes!,1,en
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.,0,en
BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks founder Julian Assange to release detailed document on what Willis was talking about.,0,en
"why did the blonde become a big basketball fan? because every time they stopped the clock , she thought that she had stopped aging .",1,en
Q: Did you hear about the imaginary tree? A: It was mapleleaf.,0,en
"I'm should probably update everyone who wrote ""Have a great summer! "" in my high school yearbook. It was okay.",1,en
i got the job as a psychic! i don't know how .,0,en
"Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote",0,en
Why did the car thief drill holes in the air conditioning units of the cars he stole? Because he my take your ride but he will never take your freon.,0,en
"just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her fb wall .",0,en
What is the difference between recreation and procreation? Birth control.,1,en
""" wow , it's pouring out there . "" "" just let a smile be your umbrella! "" "" that's not how rain works , karen . """,0,en
How does a blind person determine he's done wiping? Taste test.,1,en
Q: What do small businesses cry when account executives harass them for money? A: Yelp!,0,en
If you say kobe when you throw something it's always correct Because if it hits the floor it makes sense,1,en
I was very upset at the funeral the other day. I started wailing and moaning and banging on the coffin In the end they opened it and let me out,1,en
why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf? because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved .,1,en
Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it,1,en
Calculus should be taught in every high school around the world. It is such an integral field of math,1,en
"When I said ""I'm really good in bed"" I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now",1,en
why don't big trains have little trains? they pull out on time .,0,en
why are there so many fish in the sea? they're always getting hooked up,1,en
"my boss asked if i had facebook and i said sure and gave up the link . then she asked about twitter . after an awkward silence i said, huh ?",1,en
"everything is edible, some things are only edible once .",1,en
"Dear Kirstie Alley, We're really pulling for you on your new diet. Sincerely, Chairs",0,en
Why can Chinese bands rehearse so much? They're never short of Sichuan musicians.,1,en
"I own the tallest horse in town. When I sit on it, I understand what it's like to be a vegan",1,en
If you had to go back to school Would you bring books or magazines? ,1,en
"Dyslexic, but I have a cunning stunt.",1,en
marriage is not a word. it's a sentence,1,en
I'm just not convinced that banning the sale of sentient death robots decreases deaths. The research just isn't there,1,en
how did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? he gave her a ring,0,en
"I've just seen a man in the local bookstore exchange a swede like vegetable for some hardbacks I thought, that's a turnip for the books",1,en
Warning to the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts!,0,en
what do you call an underwater masochist? a submarine !,1,en
"What did the thirsty weatherman say to his intern? I need my thermos, stat!",0,en
Why did the girl Gorilla engaged to the invisible man call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it!,1,en
"woman without curves is like a road without bends threedots you may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell .",0,en
My cat is out of control! Taming Wild Cats by Claud Face,0,en
for what person do all men take off their hats? the barber .,1,en
What is your best ability?  I have grate speling.,1,en
"Why is Klezmer music so addictive? Once you Hava Nagila, you'll want another!",0,en
Why is Stephen Hawking successful? He can't run away from his responsibilities.,0,en
The Tailor Tailor: problem? Customer: Frayed sew Tailor: Sew its seems!,1,en
i could be a morning person. if morning started around noon,1,en
"Biology Joke When a plant is sad, what do other plants do? Photosympathize",1,en
"welcome to the dark side . we have threedots well, we can't see what we have . it's dark .",0,en
What does a ghost wear when it's raining? boooooooooooooots,0,en
"I'm seeing so many people on social media with rainbow flags besides their names One pandemic at a time, I tell myself",1,en
What's shorter than Mt. Everest? Mt. Everer,0,en
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion? I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.,0,en
I needed to get a shipment of almonds to the airport quickly. It was so weird to call Uber and ask if they could drive me nuts,1,en
what do you call a pastry with an english degree? a synonym roll,1,en
I built a little bird hooouse and put it in my garden... ...it's for the spare o's.,0,en
"I'm good at making friends. Wait, that's not right. Correction: I'm good at making friends up.",0,en
What do you call a Harrison Ford one man show? A Han Solo performance.,1,en
What's Jared from Subway's favorite chord? A flat minor,1,en
Wanna see my veggie garden They are sleeping so you will have to be quiet,0,en
how do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? she starts fitting into your wife's clothes .,0,en
Why did the BDSM store get behind on its shipments? Bbecause they were all tied up...,0,en
my dentist asked me if i had a problem with my gums bleeding. you'd have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that,1,en
"good artists copy, great artists steal i wrote that .",0,en
Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!,0,en
Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back,0,en
"The guy I cheat off moved seats before today's spelling test, like he's teaching me some kind of lessen.",1,en
"When the cleaning lady say's ""Have a good night"", I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our ""You too"" response in harmony",1,en
I just passed a background check. Turns out what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas!,0,en
Who jumps really high but falls from the sky? Kobe Bryant,0,en
How many billionaires does it take to make Batman? Three. Two to die and One to never get over it.,0,en
I sent my brother to the hospital All we did was play Rock Paper Scissors Shoot,0,en
people say never let go of one you love. that's what I tell the girl chained in my basement.,1,en
"if hearing "" i love you "" was enough, we'd all buy parrots and live happily ever after .",1,en
"Me: Siri, did The Beatles ever use female backup singers in their songs? Siri: You have a lot of free time for a, quote, busy guy.",1,en
I used to believe that I had MPD. But I convinced my other self that I didn't,1,en
"Ads can get you laid Cuz when I turned on Ad blocker, all the women in my area who were interested in me suddenly disappeared.",1,en
"Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep. That's it, I've got that",1,en
did i tell you guys about the guy who attempted suicide from the top floor of my building? i thought he was gonna live but that was a different story .,1,en
"If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.",1,en
"why don't they let italians swim in long island sound? if you know that one , try this one : why do seagulls fly to the dump",0,en
"Faberge's Eggs Hey, wife! I've bought the Faberge's eggs. Both...",0,en
Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic? Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.,1,en
Kids and pets Best when they are someone elses,0,en
"In his next movie poster, I wonder if Ice Cube will be mildly annoyed by whatever is going on around him.",1,en
"email and social media only go so far. today , pick up the phone and call a brand you love",0,en
What do music producers eat for breakfast? Fruity Loops,1,en
Been really trying to see things from my wife's point of view lately. Been looking out this kitchen window for hours,0,en
What was the most popular TV show in Ancient Rome and Germany in early AD? Whose Rhine Is It Anyway,1,en
That rapper who died filming a clip was actually a pioneer I'd never heard of a rap song with such a drop ,1,en
I was always told that KFC stood for Kentucky Fried Chicken. But the customers make me think it's Kitchen For Colors,1,en
"How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend? ""Pasta la vista, baby.""",1,en
"Ladies: The ""silent treatment"" is not a punishment. Try the ""sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment"" instead",1,en
What game to suggest to play kids on the holiday? Russian Roulette.,1,en
Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks? The riverbank.,1,en
"Ladies and gentlemen, we finally found a cure for Alzheimer's. Wait, what did we do again?",1,en
"What's the difference between endless reposts and fresh OC? I don't know, I just fly the drone.",1,en
tifu by having the bomb squad called to my party. they said it was the bomb,1,en
a pirate with a parrot on his shoulder was applying for a job. his resume spoke for itself,1,en
"playing that ' y'all ready for this? ' song on your iphone , full blast while entering a public toilet stall , feels pretty good .",0,en
fred : i've added these figures ten times . teacher : good work! fred : and here are my ten answers,0,en
why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? it doesn't need cleaned .,0,en
how does gandalf know he's pregnant? a wizard is never late .,1,en
"he is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny , it's a miracle !",1,en
what is a mattress ' favorite season? spring .,0,en
"My Wife is leaving me because I'm beginning to go bald. I don't mind, it's Hair loss.",1,en
"""Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators? "" ""Aisle B, back"".",0,en
did you hear about the kid who was outstanding at school? he came in when it started to rain .,0,en
what's the cheapest force? centrifrugal,1,en
"Does Snoop Dog wear and apron when he cooks? Yes, for sizzles. Edit: Snoop Lion",0,en
There are two kinds of woman who never complain. GIFs and JPGs,0,en
thanks for keeping your instagram account private. i'd hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands,0,en
I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you're going to run into a vampire who's on a road trip,0,en
"SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger ME: Me too, that's also my reason",1,en
What do you call a boat full of Karma? An Upboat.,1,en
I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake,0,en
Why did the shark swim in circles? He had a nosebleed.,1,en
what's the difference between a loaded potato and a normal one? someone's a lot less deadly with a normal potato .,1,en
Why did the bear's magnetic personality make him so popular? He was a polar bear!,0,en
"What's common between Canadians and Belgians? They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too.",1,en
"if you ever feel bad about your procrastination, harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before",0,en
Aloe Vera! ... me talking to the plants. With a Cockney accent.,1,en
what did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree? whoa did you hear that,1,en
"that's definitely not my ringtone, but i'm going to have to check my phone anyway .",0,en
After years of fighting his cigarette addiction my grandfather finally quit Breathing. ,0,en
"people say i'm a mean person , but that's not true. i have the heart of a sweet girl in a jar on my desk",1,en
"The wike asks his husband: Honey, what do you prefer? A beautiful woman or an intelligent woman? Neither one, you know I just like you",1,en
Why does pooping get more intense while you're listening to music? Because it's logarythmic.,1,en
What do you call a wet baby owl? A moist owlet,1,en
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.,0,en
"Doctor, does being obese impede my chances off a normal sex life? No, but it does add weight to the problem.",1,en
I have a serious inflation fetish. So I moved to zimbabwe,1,en
"If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.",1,en
"You don't want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor? Fine, suit yourself.",0,en
How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes !,1,en
why did the hobbit put his phone on silent? because he was bored of the rings !,0,en
"If Steven Spielberg made a movie about the holocaust, what would it be called? Jewraasic Park",1,en
My father works in a hospital and he is therapist. Suddenlymyspacekeystoppedworking,0,en
What's the hardest thing about being a vegan crossfitter who went to Harvard? Figuring out what to tell you about first.,1,en
Why doesn't grandpa eat grandma out anymore? Ever try pulling a grilled cheese sandwich apart.,0,en
"Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you've been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog",1,en
"My wife asked me to be more like Daft Punk in the bedroom. She wants it 'Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger'.",0,en
If a pika sneezes. Is it called a Pikachu,1,en
My son died first and then my father died Now I am wholly ghost,0,en
"I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex",1,en
never drink water after eating fish! your stomach might become an aquarium . ps not mine read it somewhere,0,en
"How is a man like a snowstorm? You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.",0,en
to where going batman running fast? to the bathroom,0,en
did you hear about the competition for the world's best tie? there was no clear winner .,1,en
Have you seen www.smallearthquake.com? Yes its's no great shakes!,0,en
It's hard dating a snowman. His parents will never warm up to you,0,en
I helped a little girl up the jungle gym and left The best part is: it is pretty tall and she said she is blind,1,en
Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger. But she was messin wit some pretty elaborate gold mining equipment down by the river bed today,0,en
What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael? A whambulance,0,en
What did the physicists say when he accidentally broke his resistor? my ghosh,1,en
how do you make a computer your best friend? you buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded !,0,en
how do you make a german shepherd? put him in a synagogue .,1,en
It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.,1,en
what is a homeless man's favorite type of music? house music,1,en
Sean Connery died That's double oh so sad,0,en
"Ahhh, Christmastime... Is my favorite time of year. It's the only time of the year that my wife isn't griping at me to take down the Christmas lights.",0,en
What is Fortunato's one weakness? Cryptonight.,0,en
What's the difference between an ambidextrous pygmy and Stormy Daniels? The pygmy is a capable runt,1,en
How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement? Collecting stocks and bonds.,0,en
""" what's up? "" asked the guy with literally no sense of direction .",1,en
I used to be a people person.... but then PEOPLE RUINED IT!,0,en
"Chipotle is releasing a new ""Ravens"" burrito. It comes with everything but rice",1,en
teacher : where is your homework? pupil : i was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything i had,1,en
Why is the queen able to move freely on the chess board? it looks like a kitchen floor.,1,en
thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. it changed my life,0,en
"I went to kuwait, found no squirrels there. No animal can sustain a burst of oil everytime they bury a nut",1,en
What do you call a disabled person who was hit by a car? Vegetable soup,1,en
i can prove global warming is real. the chicago cubs are still playing its october already,1,en
What is an elephants favourite film? Elephantasia,0,en
my bunny died. now he's just some bunny that i used to know threedots,0,en
"Funny teacher responses to ""Can I go to the bathroom?"" Forget the classic ""I don't know, can you?""",1,en
"a new girlfriend asked me "" how did you manage to stay single for so long? "" single handedly",1,en
Why do mice have a hole in their bottoms? Because otherwise they would be unable to track movement and move the cursor in the computer screen.,1,en
"I went into panera the other day The clerk said, ""do you want a side of chips or a French baguette? "" I replied, ""never baguette.""",1,en
"I like my women like my shoes. Black, size thirteen and I pick them up at Walmart",1,en
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake,0,en
Did you hear what what Dr Dre is calling his new social media platform? Beats me.,0,en
The iron vein ran out. It was only a minor issue though,1,en
"Why did the horse fail German? Because he could only say, ""neighn!""",1,en
"I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings, which is trickling down for a rainy day.",1,en
"If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.",0,en
What did Princess Diana see twice in a row? The light at the end of a tunnel,0,en
"When is it acceptable to not tip your server? when your a system admin, and your server if tipped could destroy many websites.",0,en
"I don't see why people say, ""God, send me a sign"". Why not ask the Head of Amazon's shipping department?",1,en
What's an orphans main quest in a video game To find home,0,en
"Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny",0,en
"depression isn't officially on the menu at taco bell, but it comes with every meal truth",1,en
where would you take a ghost for lunch? pizza haunt !,0,en
coworker : i have a degree in history. me : that'll really come in handy if life starts going backwards,1,en
What did the adding Machine say to the cashier You can count on me,1,en
remember back in the day when your tv wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? i tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant .,0,en
"my grandfather came back from the war threedots threedots with a single arm. to this day , we still have no idea whose it is",1,en
"Last time I flew Malaysian airlines, I didn't shower first. I figured I could just wash up on shore.",1,en
How is an elephant like a wristwatch? They both come in quartz.,1,en
"I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.",1,en
"did you hear about the guy addicted to eating salt? don't worry , he was cured .",0,en
"Twitter won't inform someone that you've muted them, so make sure you tell them yourself.",0,en
"heard this in an indian soap opera threedots boy : are you from england ? girl : yeah! how'd you know ? boy : you are so beautiful , i just thought .",1,en
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? Because they're both full of stuffing !,0,en
Why did God leave Jesus hanging? Because Jesus couldn't give him a high five.,1,en
"Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.",1,en
"everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while .",1,en
what do you call a female driver? carol .,1,en
"Want to know why I like space heaters? ""They make great housewarming gifts""",1,en
Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days,0,en
LPT: Be thorough with everything you do and you'll struggle not to succeed!,0,en
Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book? Wok this way.,0,en
A Polish man and a Palestinian woman married and had a son. What was his name? Yassir Yabetcha,1,en
i really hate working late. my ride turns into a pumpkin and i always end up losing a shoe,0,en
"I like how Subway sells ""healthy footlong"" sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you're eating it by the foot.",1,en
What are a parrot's favourite literary characters? Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!,0,en
why couldn't the infant insect without toes drink milk? he was lack toes and toddler ant,1,en
what is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? forget it once .,0,en
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night...  She nearly took my eye out...,0,en
"if i'm ever arrested, i would use my one phone call for pizza .",1,en
"if a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed ?",0,en
I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale. He is not going to get a weigh with this.,1,en
What's a chiropractor's busiest day? Throwback Thursday.,0,en
What type of dog leaves a mark? shar pei,1,en
"what do a squirrel and a piano have in common? both can climb trees , except the piano",1,en
Q: What do you call a spooky waterway? A: The Eerie Canal.,0,en
How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist? Gingerly.,1,en
"""Girl, if I have to put my love for you in numbers. "" It will be cincuentas",0,en
"Success is all about who you surround yourself with. If it's five naked men down a dark alley, chances are you haven't been very successful.",1,en
What is another name for a Nissan Cube? A tool box.,1,en
"A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind. And now, we wait",0,en
"waiter : did you save room for dessert? me : not really , i'm stuffed waiter : ok , i'll bring the check me : i'll have the chocolate cake .",1,en
Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A: A LOCOmotive.,0,en
When life gives you financial troubles. Make Financialade,0,en
you're the reason i wake up everyday. just kidding i have a job,0,en
Have you seen the new brooms at Quality Quidditch Supplies? They're flying off the shelves!,0,en
what did michael jackson say to the vegetables? just beet it,0,en
"Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.",1,en
how does a man take a bubble bath? he eats beans for dinner .,1,en
"The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet",1,en
"if the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts .",1,en
Why does the French flag have Velcro? So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.,1,en
Why shouldn't you lend a anthropologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.,1,en
five years ago my boss asked me where i wanted to be in five years. i finally know the answer : not here,0,en
I told the Starbucks batista my name was Mary Krismas. They still can't get the spelling right,1,en
"i'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate .",0,en
What do you call a relationship between family members who have cancer? Incyst,1,en
"I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people",0,en
"Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let's combine forces and we could be the best thing since...well we'll think of that later.",0,en
How to elephants talk to each other? By 'elephone !,0,en
I replaced an emergency stop button at work today. It was a pressing issue.,0,en
"Yesterday a bird crashed into my window... ..of course that's what I was willing it to do, so everything worked out great.",0,en
i once went to an all you can eat bakery in france. it was a painful experience,1,en
what's the meaning of life? why don't you google it,0,en
"if i saw an elephant in the room, that's all i'd be talking about .",0,en
Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve? The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.,0,en
Dave is coming over. Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave? Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.,0,en
"eating your homework mom : billy , why are you eating your homework? billy : the teacher said it was a piece of cake !",0,en
why must you be religious to join the navy? because it's a place of war ship .,1,en
why does helen keller play the piano with only one hand? because she uses the other one to sing .,1,en
"i forgot the word "" torch "" earlier today so i googled "" fire on a stick. "" i have two degrees in english",1,en
"a bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it .",1,en
"if you mix taco bell hot sauce into your ramen, it tastes exactly like poverty .",1,en
"I had a joke about a famous author who never fulfilled his dream of extracting coal from the earth. Orwell, never mined.",1,en
I walked into a homeware store. Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.,0,en
Does anybody know a rad trigonometry joke? Please don't go off on a tangent.,0,en
What was found on the walls of Aushwitz? Resijew,1,en
I told my shrink i was suicidal... He told me to pay for my sessions in advance.,0,en
"I was her bread, she was my jam. One day she left me saying, ""You deserve butter"".",1,en
"remember, it's not what you do threedots it's what you get away with .",0,en
"How did Sherlock reply to Watson's inquiry, ""Sherlock, where did you get all of these lemons? "" ""A lemon tree, my dear Watson.""",1,en
Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk? He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.,1,en
I don't always cry myself to sleep. I have insomnia.,1,en
Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party? It was leave your keys at the door.,0,en
"Statistically speaking, ten percent of women cry in shop fitting rooms. Guess they weren't expecting to see me there.",1,en
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away,1,en
Why do priests go to bed at nightfall? Because the night is still young.,1,en
"if i were a dj, i think the best part of the job would be making people sorry that they hired me",1,en
be nice to your kids. they'll choose your nursing home,0,en
Where do dogs park their cars? In barkinglots.,1,en
I tried to make a living mixing audio files to the left and right. but it didn't really pan out,1,en
what did the peanut say to the squirrel? he said im hungry and i'm as tired as a tree,0,en
If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth. It just waxed last night.,0,en
"for some mysterious reason , whenever i use a keyboard i always press the wrong keys. i just can't put finger on it",1,en
What do a toaster and a rubber duckie have in common? Both make for a great bath,1,en
Did you hear about the baby born with too many chromosomes? They had to put it down,1,en
"i got another letter from this lawyer today. it said "" final notice "" threedots good that he will not bother me anymore",0,en
Where's the biggest shopping center in Europe? Malldova,1,en
What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day? DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !,0,en
what is a ghost's favorite wild west town? tombstone .,0,en
Toast before the toaster Toast after the toaster,1,en
"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status",0,en
"Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.",0,en
"My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, ""You're good to go, woman! "" and now the mop handle is in a funny place.",1,en
i just created a new rhythm. i really wanted to tell everyone but i didn't want to make a song and dance of it,1,en
""" you have a very large package downstairs. "" i really need to work on how i word things to the men around this office",1,en
I asked a guy what his favorite movie was earlier today. And it was not Paul Blart: Mall Cop,0,en
"what's the difference between the jokes i read today , and the jokes i read last week? the posters",1,en
"Now that Stan Lee died His daughter, JC Lee, became Lone Lee",0,en
i think i've cured my wife's fear of being buried alive. the screams stopped about an hour ago,1,en
i plan to watch some movie with girlfriend this evening. can somebody recommend a girlfriend ?,0,en
"Me and the wife had a argument about what desserts to have, it turned into a custardy battle.",1,en
why is a baby like an diamond? because it's a dear little thing .,0,en
my girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. so i dated her sister threedots,0,en
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Most things escape baby goats.,1,en
"Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor's bedroom looks like a giant doily.",0,en
"If there's something strange, in your neighborhood, Who ya gonna call? GEORGE ZIMMERMAN",0,en
When is an answer wrong even if it is right? When you take the less time the it is supposed to take to know the answer. ,0,en
I don't trust Bonsai trees. They are a little shady,0,en
"Filming my own version of ""Taken"" using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter",1,en
What do you call a British person playing a saxophone? An Anglo Saxin',1,en
"Name three things that come in a little yellow box Kodak film, Dots candy and Woody Allen.",0,en
"My son's uncle tried to get me to take care of hid honey farm while he vacationed, but I absolutely will not. I'm not my brother's beekeeper.",0,en
I have been trying to lose weight. Now if I could quit finding everyone else's that they lose....,0,en
you're her boyfriend? ! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!,0,en
joke is on you What's the opposite of funny? answer: Jay Leno,0,en
why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus? so he'd use natural logs !,1,en
"two old men are walking through a park threedots "" nice out , isn't it? "" "" yes , i think i'll get mine out too . """,0,en
When do women retire? When you buy a dishwasher .,1,en
auto mechanic : well here's your problem. the last person to work on this didn't wash their hands after using the restroom,1,en
"The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.",1,en
"could somebody please explain "" free range "" eggs? these chickens aren't even born yet . i'd kind of rather they be stationary .",0,en
Ever wonder why African dating agencies are so successful? The clients always click,1,en
"My friend, Eric, started using a phrase that I invented for referring to an Indian perennial herb. I said, ""That's my term, Eric.""",1,en
a robber went into a music store. everybody got down,0,en
"i saw that you "" liked "" my status. you want me , don't you ?",1,en
"i just took such a long hot shower that when i finished, captain planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me",0,en
"Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe some fives, or twenties? Check out Tender.",1,en
"SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised They do not look surprised at all",1,en
"neil degrasse tyson and mike tyson have something common threedots i don't understand what either one is saying, but i know i'll end up seeing stars .",0,en
facebook: the only book teens read these days .,0,en
"And the award for best neckwear goes to... Well, would you look at that...it's a tie.",1,en
Why do handicap people crawl Because I took the legs ,1,en
What's hanging guys? My dad from from the ceiling,1,en
""" wanna hear a joke? "" i asked my wife threedots "" i reddit "" she replied .",0,en
Did you know there is one colour that can time travel? It can only go to the fuchsia.,0,en
"Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras? If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.",1,en
what's a dogs favorite tv show? bones .,0,en
Why do T Rexes have such bad anger issues? Because their fathers never hugged them.,1,en
"an old teacher asked her student threedots "" if i say , ' i am beautiful , ' which tense is that? "" the student replied , "" it is obviously past . """,1,en
"The baby's trying to eat the poinsettia again Well, maybe we should get rid of it The plant? But we just got it . . .Haha yeah, the plant",0,en
What do you call a gender reassigned person who has a baby? Transparent.,1,en
What do you get when a car that has been modified to be an ambulance end up taking over the world? Universal medicar.,0,en
"A teacher tells a classroom to form groups. Then the kid with down syndrome asks ""Can we form groups of three?"".",1,en
Customer: Why is my hairline receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.,1,en
Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary. They were eating out of the palm of my hands,1,en
What is Sacha Baron Cohen's favorite ion? Borate.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau? A wedding ring !,0,en
"before facebook and online dating, i seriously don't think i've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom .",1,en
What did the botanist say to the plant he was tired of tending to? Grow away.,1,en
I've been working on my best ice cream creation ever but it got infected. It's my Magnum O'pus,1,en
what did the bird say after its cage fell apart? cheap cheap !,0,en
"if everyone has a beautiful side, i guess i'm a circle .",1,en
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather? Skate !,0,en
"ended a relationship today. don't worry , it wasn't mine",0,en
"q : what insect lives on nothing? a : moths , because they eat holes .",0,en
"Doctor: ""Your wife is in hospital!""... Me: ""...How is she? "" Doctor: ""I'm afraid she's critical"". Me: ""Oh, you get used to that..."".",1,en
my wife is a magician. she turned our car into a tree,0,en
what should you do if you find a snake in your bed? sleep in the wardrobe .,0,en
"i have learned to accept that my parents are "" santa, "" but i still have no idea how they get to all those other houses .",1,en
"Advent calendars are fun if you ignore that every day is a new, fresh hell waiting to be survived.",0,en
why did the bird join he air force? he wanted to be a parrot trooper !,1,en
"my daughter asked me if opposite day is real . i said yes . because, you know . opposite .",0,en
my friend decided to get a tattoo of pi on his face. it was an irrational decision,1,en
"bad news from the doctor threedots men : doctor , how is my mother in law ? doctor : i have some bad news. men : we can take her home , right ? doctor : yes",1,en
Which NBA team likes McDonald's the most? Denver Nuggets,1,en
"What is reddit's favorite song? ""Karma Police"" by Radiohead.",1,en
Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE? One's mad cow disease the other's an agricultural problem.,0,en
why should you avoid people dressed as celery? they could be stalking you !,0,en
"If I was a candle... ...and somebody dumped a bucket of water on me, I'd be quite put out.",1,en
always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. how i learned this rule is not important,1,en
What does Willy Wonka use to keep his factory clean? Oompa Roombas,0,en
Whats the difference between mods and mao? Mao wan't disabled,0,en
hey europe you look a great. have you lost a few pounds ?,0,en
"a dad picks his son up from school dad : what did you learn at school today , son? son : apparently not enough , i have to go back tomorrow .",0,en
did you hear about prince? he died .,0,en
"i hope one day to have the chance to whisper "" what's she doing here? "" to the person next to me at a funeral .",1,en
"I was speaking to a computer technician. ""How do you make a motherboard? "" I asked him. He said, ""Tell her about my job.""",1,en
I imagine some people are like...: 'should I take the shower? ...no...I'm taking the train today...',1,en
"It doesn't matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.",0,en
"we're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat .",0,en
What's the difference between a cactus and Britain? The pricks on a cactus actually have a use.,1,en
What happened to the religious idol when it was put up at auction? It was sold to the highest Buddha.,1,en
When does the women expand her horizons? When she expand the kitchen,1,en
"I decided to put some ketchup in my eyes... ...but in Heinzsight, it wasn't a good idea.",1,en
What's Usain Bolt's favourite remote button? Fast forward,0,en
"Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens",1,en
"I'm always able to tell when a person is lying, just by looking at them.. I can also tell when they're standing too.",0,en
What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake? The presence of a witness.,1,en
what does an educated owl say? whom .,1,en
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any .,1,en
I've never panned for gold. But I have put bacon bits in my salad,1,en
how many women priest are there? nun .,1,en
My friend Opie owns a pizza restaurant. Wanna know why it's so successful? Because Opie delivers.,0,en
The person who invented the umbrella actually wanted to call it the 'brella.' But he hesitated.,1,en
What kind of bees eat brains? Zombees,1,en
what goes up slowly and comes down quickly? an elephant in a lift !,0,en
Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.,0,en
Did you hear about the impoverished farmers who drove from Oklahoma to California? They went on a Joad Trip.,1,en
How do you know you are in the gardening section of Home Depot? Everything is priced in pesos.,1,en
a guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. the doctor told him he wasn't eating right,1,en
Why do virgins never stand still? They are used to being chaste.,1,en
doctor doctor i feel like a spoon! well sit still and don't stir,0,en
Everyone wants a white Christmas. but all Christmases matter,0,en
I'm glad they finally made waterproof phones. Pushing friends into the pool is funny,0,en
I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb. Knew right away she was a keeper,0,en
What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!,0,en
What's a whales favorite musical group? An orcastra,1,en
I tried using a broken pencil today... But it was pointless,0,en
"why is grammar class the most boring? it puts all the students in a ,",1,en
"My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support",1,en
where did jimmy go after the explosion? everywhere .,0,en
"People always like to say ""life is unfair"" Except for that one Russian guy who worked at the carnival, ""LIFE IS FAIR""",1,en
My parents gave me money at a young age. Who knew their life insurance paid off so well.,1,en
What do wooden whales eat? A plankton.,1,en
My sleep schedule is like Kobe and his daughter after the crash All over the place,1,en
"i started out with nothing, and i still have most of it .",0,en
"What did Kim Kardashian's right leg say to her left leg?  Nothing, they've never been together!",0,en
"TIFU by not reading War and Peace. This wasn't today, this was ever. That book is way too long. I didn't read it. TL: DR Too Long. Didn't Read.",0,en
what does batman do with all his spare money? he makes it wayne,0,en
"It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye; unless you're Stevie Wonder, then it's just ironic.",1,en
"If Disney movies have taught me anything, it's that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects",1,en
"I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.",1,en
Did you watch that movie about wrestling? I heard it was very Cenamatic.,1,en
"Who wrote ""The Tiger's Revenge""? Claude Balls",1,en
friend : hey while i'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? me : friend : me : to what,0,en
"i don't want your candy, what i really want is your number .",0,en
what do you call a soldier with long arms? an army soldier,1,en
Someone at Sony Studios was arrested for having a bomb in his backpack. He was released after it was determined that it was the script for Ghostbusters,1,en
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your scottish garden? You root it ooot!,0,en
Whats the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers. ,1,en
"It's been a great year, it fact, it was so great. I remember like it was yesterday",0,en
"Schools are always telling you to ""follow your dreams..."" But my teachers never let me sleep in class.",1,en
What is small and full of shaving foam? The profiteroles I made for my wife.,0,en
How can you tell that the movie Martian is not realistic? Because Americans use imperial unit system.,1,en
"throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire .",1,en
"If I could make puppies and kittens magically appear, people would call me ""The Wizard of Awwws"".",1,en
What do you call an Asian penguin? A penguyen,1,en
The difference between Indiana and California In Indiana there are lots of budding young farmers. In California there are lots of young bud farmers,1,en
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer,1,en
What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners? Mercy !,1,en
Did you hear about the gingerbread man gynaecologist? The only tool it used was a flapjack.,1,en
"Quit crying, kid. I won this Easter egg hunt fair and square",0,en
What do you call a woman who destroys everything when she blows? Miss O,0,en
"This may seem random, but C Minor. On a related note, E flat",1,en
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek God. I informed him Buddha was not Greek,1,en
"I lost in kahoot So I said "" I'm gonna kahoot this school"". The day after school was cancelled...",1,en
"my credit card was stolen yesterday threedots not sure if i should report it, the thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does .",0,en
Ever since I've been on crutches I've been extremely depressed. I mean I just can't stand myself,1,en
What do you call a tornado holding a spork? The Mersenne Twister.,1,en
"fun fact: scientists have proven , there is in fact life outside the united states .",1,en
"Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn't fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.",0,en
Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.,1,en
"It's easier to find the needle in the haystack when you bring a flamethrower. That's a fact, jack. Merica.",0,en
"Dad, are ghosts real? Dad: No son, of course not Son: The nanny said they are Dad: Okay, pack your stuff... We don't have a nanny",0,en
Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative. The irony is not lost on me,1,en
what's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? a good lawyer knows the law . a great lawyer knows the judge .,1,en
what's the difference between your job and your wife? nobody does your job for you when you're out,1,en
Why do Butchers don't risk it all in life? Because the Steaks are too high.,1,en
"I'm not saying I'm antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I'm doing I just tell them to Google it.",1,en
Why do epileptics have lots of friends? They always fit in ,1,en
why was the fish swimming backwards? it didn't want to get water in its eyes .,1,en
Do you want to know that people care whether you're alive? Try missing a couple of payments.,0,en
What's the difference between me and New York? I have twins.,1,en
my dog is great at math . really? ask him how much is two minus two . but two minus two is nothing ! that's what he'll answer nothing !,0,en
What do you call it when you accidentally drop a flower? An oopsy daisy.,1,en
"I had an appointment to see my Psychic next week, but She's just after ringing me up to say.. ..that I won't be able to make it.",0,en
Did you know lotr could have come out a lot earlier? Only problem was no one knew what the writer was Tolkien about,1,en
What's the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician? The extrovert looks at the other person's shoes.,1,en
I know vegans don't like meat but I am sure there is one particular meat that they like to eat everyday.,1,en
what do you call a mouse named bob who's having an existential crisis? bob .,1,en
A homeless man gets to an interview late and what does the employer ask Don't you have an wall clock?,1,en
I have always wondered what people did for fun before the Internet existed. My seventeen siblings don't know the answer either,1,en
Whys Choccy Milk better without the I? Because he was.,0,en
"Grandma's Moustache It's a well known fact that Cum helps hair growth, this explains hair on men's knuckles but this doesn't explain Grandmas moustache",1,en
What are German janitors most effective at Juice removal,1,en
Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth? And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse,1,en
What is a Sloth's favorite breakfast food? Slothages.,1,en
Which dinosaur knew... Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words? A: The thesaurus.,0,en
"have you seen my digital boat? oh wait , its syncing .",0,en
Did you hear about the overweight prison escapee? They say he really let himself go.,1,en
"when someone is in a bad mood, i like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood .",1,en
The Jolly Green Giant is into bondage. I guess you could call him a collared green,1,en
What's similar about a rooster crowing and a dad grabbing his belt?? They both happen when the sun comes out,1,en
i was reading in the paper that more people have been held at gun point this year than ever before. so why do people keep going to gun point ?,1,en
I had an omelette with FIVE different types of mushroom this morning. It truly was a Breakfast of Champignons,1,en
"a guy asked me out! well , a guy asked me if i was going to be the same place he is . fine , my boss called to see if i was coming to work .",0,en
"if you're first on a youtube comment thread, i assume you're last in pretty much everything else .",0,en
So the Boston marathon was yesterday. I heard it was an arm and a leg better than last year,1,en
"I was watching the Korean remake of Blues Brothers Yeah, my favourite part was when they do Seoul Man",1,en
A amnesiac looking for a cure asked his doctor what he could do. Doctor: Pay me first.,0,en
"hot singles in your area are hiding behind the corner. they are going to jump out and take your phone , wallet and purse",1,en
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn't put it down,0,en
when a man wants to get a tan he goes under the sun. when a cos wants to get a tan threedots threedots he goes under the sin,1,en
"i've always wanted to be a doctor, but i've never had the patience .",1,en
how did the knight know that his armor was made in china? he found a chink in it .,1,en
"The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England",1,en
how do you know you are sitting next to a ski instructor? they'll tell you .,1,en
"Did you know i DJ? Yeah, but I only do it every unce in a while.",0,en
"what did the brick say to the rock? nothing , it's just a brick , what's wrong with you .",0,en
"Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes. Because my ex couldn't ever take one",1,en
"So I asked my dad... So I asked my dad during Christmas dinner if anything were home made? He replied ""definitely not you.""",1,en
Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up? They were just never on the same page...,0,en
"What did the French philosopher say to the vegetable playing poker? All in, du thyme",1,en
"i think it's sweet that teens text "" u up? "" really late at night to check that their friends are getting to bed at a reasonable hour",1,en
What's the definition of abortion? Died in new.,1,en
i asked a cute statistician if i could get her phone number. she said probably not,1,en
Why did David Cassidy play the piano? Because all his organs failed,1,en
what do you call a guy that steals burgers? a hamburglar !,1,en
it's here! may the fourth be with you,0,en
I confronted my friend when I suspected him of cheating with my partner. He firmly denied being my friend.,1,en
Did you hear about the new rating scale for how colorblind someone is? Its called the greyscale,1,en
God must be a great basketball player Since he managed to block Kobe's greatest shot.,1,en
What does Caitlyn Jenner use as lube Transmission fluid,1,en
what did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave? le meow,0,en
Ab Muscles: You're having ANOTHER cookie? Brain: Yep! Ab Muscles: You're just never planning on seeing us again? Brain: Nope,0,en
"What did Drake Bell say to Batman? Sorry, still calling you Bruce! I found this on Facebook somewhere; I dunno who to get credit to.",0,en
The font family changed their TV today... It wasn't working with their Arial.,0,en
what does a guy with no friends be for halloween? depressed,0,en
blind kids: lady gaga looks like what a chicken sounds like .,1,en
"hi , fire department? my cat is in a tree . television has taught me that this is your problem .",1,en
"i ate a sausage earlier, and it didn't taste very nice it was the wurst sausage i've ever eaten .",1,en
Visitor: Wow you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them? Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.,0,en
what did the desert say to the other desert? send dunes,1,en
If only my dog could speak... I'd be in jail by now.,0,en
Laurel or Yanny? I hear the reincarnation of Stephen Hawking.,0,en
"Did you hear the tale of the Jewish guy on top of a chimney during a hurricane? Well, he was Gone With The Wind.",1,en
Whats a Jamaican's favourite day? Monday,0,en
I don't support Colin Kaepernick. Nig did not really STAND for what he believed in.,0,en
"Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad! Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn't say that!",0,en
"I love graphs! I used to be obsessed with them... I've calmed down now though, you've gotta draw the line somewhere",0,en
"Little Johnny asked one day, ""Mommy can little girls give birth? "" ""No son. Of course not"" ""Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!""",0,en
My GF's anti aging cream went bad. HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!,0,en
in iraq why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day? the camel gets too tired .,1,en
what's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning? another day .,0,en
Did you hear about the guy who walked around with two pails of milk on his feet for a year? It was legendairy.,1,en
"how do you get a date on tinder? seriously guys , i've been trying for months so if anyone have any useful tips it would be much appreciated .",1,en
I actually have a washboard stomach. It's just that I also have a load of laundry to do.,1,en
billion dollar idea: a phone that charges using body fat !,0,en
Why did the Vegas shooter aim at a concert venue? Because he wanted some sleep... ,0,en
"turn up? at my age , i'm just happy when i can turn over .",1,en
Why don't chickens have lips? Because then they'd have soft peckers,1,en
What do you call a serial killer that rides a bike? A Cyclepath,1,en
Which class the The Flash hated the most while in college? Physics...,1,en
What do you call a minion that falls on a grill? Filet mignon,1,en
"They always say ""Hunger is the best sauce"" No wonder why it's so nice in Africa",1,en
Was going to make a joke about my paycheck. Turns out I have insufficient puns,1,en
"The inventor of large scholarly books showed me his factory. He said, ""Make yourself a tome.""",1,en
What would someone with dyslexia call two female sheep? You and I.,1,en
"it doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad .",0,en
Who will last longer? Alex Trebek or Jeopardy James?,0,en
"at the restaurant with food still on my plate threedots server : "" do you wanna box for that "" me : "" no. it's not worth fighting for """,1,en
What did the kitten build for their science project? A catapult!,0,en
Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.,0,en
You get it if you get it Whats better telling dark jokes or hanging around with friends,1,en
Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently. The steaks have never been higher,1,en
"A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.",1,en
"in an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine , i've put the biscuits on a higher shelf. boy , i'm gonna be sore tomorrow",1,en
"Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day... At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, ""Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight.""",1,en
What do you call the action where a dead guy falls out of a car and you have to put him back in? A rehearsal,1,en
I just absolutely love people. I have no friends,0,en
"I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.",1,en
Do you think Dr. Seuss' wife liked to be called Ma? Because if so she would be a Ma Seuss.,1,en
"me and my bed are in a committed relationship, i think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love .",0,en
Do you know how old R Kelly's music is So old that he wouldn't date it,0,en
I got a new book and I can't seem to put it down. That's the problem with slathering one's hands with rubber cement before touching things,1,en
"my eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non .",1,en
"what do good dragons read when they are pregnant? how to train your dragon . good parenting , that is .",1,en
a good way to start a conversation is ' what's your favorite color '. a good way to end a conversation is what's your favourite colour of a person,1,en
What makes coronavirus and the will to live different? I have coronavirus.,1,en
why did i wear no jeans today? my supply was short .,1,en
what do vegetable do when they got robbed? they dont .,0,en
What's the best feature of Apple Pencil? You don't need to sharpen it.,1,en
What is Shakespeare's favourite snack? Hamlet du fromage,0,en
"if it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for ?",1,en
"If I were a shepherd, I would never take inventory of my flock for fear of falling asleep on the job.",1,en
my wife has just left me for arnold schwarzenegger. she'll be back,0,en
I used to date a girl that played softball. She dumped me because I wouldn't go to second base,1,en
What do you call a tall buffalo? Buffahigh,1,en
"millionaire interview interviewer : sir , who helped you on becoming a millionaire? millionaire : my wife threedots i was a billionaire before .",1,en
did you hear about the dyslexic science teacher? he was teaching the law of conversation .,1,en
i'm very serious about my cereal. i'm all about that life,0,en
Why did the french guy not help his friend fix a pipe? He said he would assister.,1,en
Why does Gandalf prefer coupes? Because other cars have Mordor.,1,en
Why hasn't Logan Paul hung himself? He's too afraid he'll end up in his own video.,0,en
What do zoos and jails have in common? They both have gorillas behind bars.,1,en
"i went to a wedding. the bride had something old , something new something borrowed threedots and the groom had something blew",0,en
A Canadian and a Saudi Arabian had a baby. They named it Yasir Youbetcha,1,en
What kind of code does a volcano use to make its website? HTMelt,0,en
"Reducing air pollution isn't an easy task, it's emission.",1,en
Ever misspell a word so badly that you spell a different word correctly? It's rather embroidering.,1,en
What's the difference between my sister and my car? I didn't ride car.,1,en
heard of the man who banged an atm? he came into a lot of money,1,en
"On your own, it's just near impossible to scrub your own back which is why a shower wall made entirely of loofah would really come in handy.",1,en
If an orangutang were to plaster makeup on it would still look like a orangutang. And ya know some women look pretty close to orangoutangs.,1,en
This Halloween i am going to be emotionally stable No one gonna recognise its me,0,en
Call my little brother a rubics cube. Because he gets harder the more I play with him,1,en
"going to a baby shower and i'm real nervous , do they just kind of pour down on you? if you catch one do you have to keep it",0,en
Bungee jumping is fun Especially when you put the rope on the neck,1,en
I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don't you mean netsurfing? No everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!,0,en
"What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas? ""All I want for christmas is yeux""",1,en
Who was the world's greatest thief? Atlas because he held up the whole world !,0,en
What is every bodybuilder's favorite city? Gainsboro.,0,en
I just saw a woman on horseback. I never knew horses even got tattoos.,1,en
what did cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time? one day my prints will come .,0,en
What was Charles Dickens' favourite experimental pop album? It was the best of Grimes...,1,en
What's the best way to be on Instagram and in life? Selfless,0,en
What goes across the periodic table? The periodic table cloth.,1,en
Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end? It was unmiscible.,1,en
"so , we're arguing and i've suddenly realized i don't agree with a word i'm saying. which really ups the degree of difficulty for winning",1,en
what's the difference between an orange? one of them doesn't .,1,en
what kind of whale flies? pilot whales !,0,en
Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender,1,en
What's Sting's favorite Olympic sport? The long hump,0,en
what's a man's idea of foreplay? a half hour of begging .,0,en
What grows right under your nose? Tulips.,1,en
If you have a dollar. you're a billionthaire,0,en
So I'm trying to get myself to be ambidextrous. I'm halfway there!,0,en
"""Age is just a number"". so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account",1,en
"are you cold? you should go to the corner , its ninety degrees over there .",0,en
I ran into my X the other day. Now I have to get my bicycle repaired,0,en
"Robots If robots were somehow about to sexually reproduce, they wouldn't have to change much. I mean they already have a binary system",1,en
Why did the school shooter put on a silencer? He was in the library.,1,en
I want to visit Antarctica some day. It's such a chilled out place and the people there are really cool,0,en
what did the answering machine say to the telephone? take my word for it .,1,en
a: there's only one thing I don't like about halloween b: which is?,0,en
"my girlfriend thought we should get friends with benefits. i dumped her , i can't stand justin timberlake",0,en
why are bananas and chocolate good friends? they compliment each other nicely .,1,en
"A long time ago a friend of mine called me conceited, but after all these years I've found out that I'm just one swell guy.",1,en
eminem is not a rapper he's a rappist,1,en
n : why are you picking up rocks? m : i'm starting a rock band . neighbor walks away . that is how you get people to leave you alone .,0,en
Where do amputee's go out to eat? IHop.,0,en
what's the best way to keep water from running? don't pay the water bill .,0,en
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom !,1,en
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough. But it's even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip,1,en
"Question: In China... ...is everything ""Made in China""?",1,en
If a mentally regarded person has mood swings Does he have ups and downs syndrome? ,1,en
So what's the big deal? My youtube is still working.,0,en
The more you run over a cat. the flatter it gets,0,en
"what did the cookie farmer say? "" i've been raisin ' cookies . """,1,en
Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!,0,en
I painted my PlayStation white..... So it could breath,0,en
What does a person suffer if their ear hair grows uncontrollably? Hairing Loss,1,en
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.,0,en
A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful,0,en
"A man was on an escalator.. When all of a sudden it went very fast. He arrived at the top, turned around and said.. ""well that escalated quickly"".",1,en
What elephant and a canary and in common? They both can't ride bicycles.,1,en
everyone around me is obsessed with finding true love. all i want is a girl who will laugh at my jokes,1,en
what's the difference between a stormtrooper and a zoo keeper? the storm trooper would have missed harambe,0,en
Bee Gees Songs: Saturday Night Fever Sunday Night Scurvy Monday Night Measles Tuesday Night Typhoid Wednesday Night Whooping Cough,1,en
i thought i found a mass grave of snowmen. until i realised it was a field of carrots,1,en
"I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer",1,en
"Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.",0,en
"no thanks , flu shot. i look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like i was on a diet for six weeks",1,en
where do grape nuts come from? boy grapes .,1,en
"Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski",1,en
why is north america so salty? because its na .,0,en
I like telling science puns. Just to see the reaction,1,en
The movie Interstellar was so deep that. Adele was rolling in it,1,en
ababbaaaabbabbbbabababababbbaaabababbabaaaba. long time no C,1,en
Wanna Hear A Joke The cure for cancer,0,en
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn? Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.,1,en
I like dogs On my dinner plate,1,en
"spoiler alert i just watched fast and furious the other day, and i just couldn't get into it because there were too many spoilers .",1,en
why is it illegal for a man living in north carolina to be buried in south carolina? because he's alive .,1,en
"Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Padre: What is your sin, my child? Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .",0,en
"umm adele, have you tried texting ?",0,en
Whats a caged animal's favorite food? Zoocchini,0,en
How tall do you have to be to ride a Kanye West rollercoaster? About Ye big.,0,en
"did you here the joke about the dead guy? nevermind , it's time has passed .",0,en
"You're McDonalds; I'm Burger King I'm doing it my way, and you're lovin' it.",0,en
"Riley can be a little girl's name, it's not always a dog's name. If someone says Riley's been sick don't bring up euthanasia right away",1,en
I looked at a penny under the microscope. What I saw was magnificent,1,en
What does The Lion King have a lot of? Simbalism,1,en
Watson asks Holmes What type of rock is this? It has many layers compressed together.,1,en
What did the fly say to the second man on the moon? Buzz.....,0,en
"My dog saw a sign on a wall that said ""wet paint"". So he did",1,en
"Wife: Hey, guess this ""What always increases, but never decrease?"" Husband: Your weight?",0,en
"be thankful for facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again .",0,en
"Husband says to his wife ""do you smell that"" wife says ""no? "" Husband says ""me neither so start cooking""",1,en
what didn't adam and eve have that everyone else has? parents .,0,en
""" inside of a ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down . it's staying down that's wrong . "" muhammad ali",0,en
I have a double major in Psychology and Geography. I lead the field in research on glacial depressions,1,en
What is something that can breakdance on the floor only once on their life? A fish,0,en
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float.,1,en
how's an online college degree like a small pizza? neither feeds a family of four .,1,en
"Why do people call the deceased ""late""? They aren't late.. They aren't coming.",1,en
What did Amelia Earhart learn? Triplane fuel can't melt sea beams.,1,en
Why shouldn't you change around a Pokemon? Because he might peek at chu.,0,en
What did Steven Hawking say when somebody bumped into his car? Nothing.,0,en
"right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the starbucks cards i gave them for christmas are empty .",1,en
I had to make a sign for the International Haiku club: International Haiku appreciation Conference meeting,1,en
Whats Luke Perry's favorite Ford engine? Power Stroke,0,en
What do you call an elderly Mexican man? A senor citizen,1,en
i need to buy a new alarm clock. the one i have keeps going off while i'm asleep,0,en
I learned Braille yesterday It was so easy I could do it with my eyes closed,1,en
what did the spice say when it was reaching climax? i'm cumin !,0,en
just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. it's called facebook,0,en
"A man died in a grain silo. He ran himself to death, trying to find a corner to pee in",1,en
"do you know how to cook toilet paper? me either , but i know how to brown it on one side .",1,en
how many tries does it take to get to the front page? a lot .,0,en
what runs forever and never dies? an argument with a woman ! and i'm in one right now .,0,en
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian. I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock,0,en
i'm coming out of the closet . not that! i mean her husband finally left for work .,0,en
How to say goodbye in chinese. Gong hei hatchooo!,0,en
what was cher doing before she was born? she was a preacher .,0,en
"maid of honor speeches shouldn't end with , "" i'll see you all at her next one. "" i know that now",1,en
I'm taking an ornithology class as an elective to boost my GPA. It's a bird course,1,en
i have a ton of leftover horse. it turns out i'm not as hungry as i thought i was,1,en
I don't understand how people can do such good impersonations. I can't even be myself around other people,1,en
"they say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married threedots threedots and so are my girlfriend's .",0,en
I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized. I forgot a condiment,1,en
"What did the male cheerleader say when he had to leave in the middle of a routine? ""Catch ya later!""",1,en
I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor,0,en
"I've started investing in stocks... Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.",1,en
why was the virgins ' wedding during the middle of the week? because wednesday is hump day .,1,en
why didn't jesus ' business break even? it wasn't making enough prophet,0,en
"When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.",1,en
a kiss begins with k. but it's also just a text from someone who doesn't want to have a conversation with you,0,en
"Yea, in life Jesus was a great man... ...but it was only when he was nailed to the cross that he became holy.",1,en
"Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.",1,en
What's the difference between Alan Walker and Paul Walker? The other one's actually living his life,0,en
"to predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters .",1,en
"my internet boyfriend doesn't know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them .",1,en
"Why were there so many Hawaiian lei's at the funeral? the obituary read ""Please send donations in luau flowers.""",1,en
Old upholstery never die... ...because they always recover!,0,en
Me and my wife have plenty of free food after marriage We even have some fetuses to give away,1,en
"Chinese people want to criticize Ronda so bad after that fight.....but they cant. They just end up saying her name, Ronda Rousey",1,en
Canadian bird watching is pretty depressing. It's hard to see these birds all aloon,1,en
What's the opposite of Easter? Wester,0,en
have you tried subways new jared special? two small buns with extra mayo,0,en
"So hypothetically speaking, what do you think is the scariest mask they would let me wear in line at the bank?",1,en
"did you see that documentary about the death penalty? tired concept , great execution .",1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who? Banana split so ice creamed !,0,en
Did you know that there's a wrestling champion for spices and herbs? It is called sumac down.,1,en
"chuck norris is so strong, he can role a bowling ball up stairs threedots without touching it .",1,en
What do you call it when you're walking through a school hallway and can't get through because it's so crowded? Human traffic.,1,en
"a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort .",1,en
What do you call a therapist? a TALKtor,1,en
"adele is an amazing singer. the problem is , when one of her songs comes on , everyone else thinks they are , too",1,en
Who was the first mathematician? A concave man,1,en
"Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog",1,en
Don't you just hate it when. people don't finish their,1,en
I don't know why people care about antivaxxers so much It's just natural selection at work,1,en
What is black and yellow and is really funny? The bee movie.,0,en
I read an entire biology textbook yesterday It was life defining ,0,en
"what did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea? thanks , it's my special tea .",1,en
dogs have masters. cats have staff,1,en
"I just moved to Wisconsin, and my neighbour invited me over to meet his wife and his sister. When I got there... ...the three of us had dinner.",1,en
what kind of cereal do you find in a haunted house? cinnamon ghost crunch,0,en
When a knight in armour was killed in battle what sign did they put on his grave? Rust in peace !,0,en
What comes before the main violinist? ... Entree Rieu,0,en
"To be or not to be... is technically, not a question",1,en
How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.,0,en
Holy Week joke: What was Jesus doing on Holy Saturday? Just chilling.,0,en
What's gray squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice !,0,en
why were the vets and pounds mad? it was raining cats and dogs,0,en
what would have they called founder of apple if it was a failure? Steve Jobless,1,en
tips to reduce weight threedots first turn your head to the right and then to the left. repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat !,0,en
You know what they say about guys with small hands. They draw small crowds,1,en
"Billy's parents called the school on the afternoon he completed his make up test, they wanted to know why he was wearing lipstick and mascara.",1,en
"What do you guys think of The Office? Good, or bad?",1,en
"After reading Bible I realized that Jesus did so much for us. I mean, He just nailed it!",1,en
I don't do different things. It's just that I do things differently,1,en
What do I have in common with Franz Kafka? Neither of us have finished The Castle.,1,en
When you buy a bigger bathtub... ...you have more bath room but less bathroom.,0,en
"press control , alt , and down arrow key. it's fun",0,en
what do you call a used rubber in a church parking lot? family practice,1,en
What's the difference between an infant and a trumpet? A trumpet doesn't make noise when I'm just fingering it.,1,en
why do queens play poker in the bathroom? so they'll always get a royal flush,1,en
I introduced my girlfriend to my family yesterday My wife was not happy about it,0,en
"I ran out of coal today So, I went to my jewish neighbour and asked him if any one of his sons is awake.",1,en
what do you see when you go to the tiny beach? microwaves .,1,en
Little known fact about Ethiopian Airlines...their food is amazing. They serve bread AND butter.,1,en
customer : i didn't order this. waiter : i know but your meal tastes worse,1,en
"i'm ok with it if my son decides he wants crocs. he has peanut allergy , so it's not like people will hate him more than they already do",1,en
I've fallen into a sar chasm. Totally didn't break my legs! It's a regular party down here,0,en
don't cut out part of your day to throw out clocks! it's a waste of time,0,en
"according to nasa scientists, black holes were created using the space shovel",1,en
"Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.",0,en
Start presentation with joke My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide,0,en
What did Dj Khaled say to the barn owl? You talonted,0,en
The colon in a sentence can make a huge difference Example: Johnny harvested his neighbours wheat Johnny harvested his neighbours colon,1,en
Why don't female mathematicians use tampons? They are weary of anything that advertises discrete AND continuous protection.,1,en
I've got washboard abs. But unfortunately there is a load of laundry sitting on the washboard,1,en
George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman,0,en
What is every Redditor's blood type? Edit: TypO,0,en
why does the man go to the beach when he's hungry? because of the sand which is there .,1,en
what do trees do in autumn? take a leaf of absence .,1,en
"Everybody is a little weird, except you and I... ...and I'm not so sure about you.",0,en
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead,1,en
I overclocked my computer processor this morning. The time advanced by one hour,0,en
What is agitated buy joyful? A washing machine,0,en
I bought a girl at an auction She had no teeth,0,en
What thing is both affordable and effective for native American in the winter and summer ? A blanket.,1,en
what does a chemist say when he's pouring water into an acid? drop the base .,1,en
when do ghosts usually appear? just before someone screams .,1,en
"After kobe's death, I've understood that Some things are just out of our control.",1,en
How was Snoop Dogg murdered? Blunt force trauma.,0,en
What comes out of a reasonable volcano? Pragma.,1,en
"so a guy named steve asked how well he did during making an apple product . "" you did good job! "" sad the person he asked .",1,en
"today somebody called me a model! well they said "" poster boy for birth control "" , but i knew what they meant .",1,en
What's the similarity between mods reputation and jews? They are both decreasing,1,en
"buying my parents ' house. soon , like so many of the ' ladies ' here threedots i too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom's basement",0,en
my wife treats me like god! she takes no notice of my existence till she wants something .,0,en
how did jesus feel after the last supper? a bit cross .,1,en
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone,1,en
What do you call it when you play Nintendo games because you have nothing better to do? Ennwii,0,en
"For the first time I am going to be visiting Britain this summer, but when I got there. Britain had already left",0,en
"my wife said she wanted to see "" fifty shades of grey "". so i showed her a picture of her hair",1,en
My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.,1,en
why did the phone keep walking into the wall? it lost its contacts .,0,en
why did kelly clarkson cross the road? because of you .,0,en
How do you make a bandstand? Take their chairs away.,1,en
"How did the trout become a symbol for Christianity? Easy. By dropping ""trou""",1,en
You aren't going to believe who is the most wonderful person ever. Read the first two words,0,en
wifi wifi went down during family dinner tonight. one kid started talking and i didn't know who he was,0,en
why did the vegetable band break up? they couldn't keep a beet .,1,en
Using the latest animated film to potty train my son... How to drain your dragon.,0,en
"If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?",1,en
"what does a fire , flood , earthquake , tornado , hurricane , and a wife have in common? sooner or later , one of them is probably going to get your house .",1,en
What fighting style does best girl use? Waifoo.,1,en
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.,0,en
What animal's alphabet is just like ours? A Baby Ceel's,0,en
What do you call a blind kid? MARCO!,0,en
life doesn't matter. life is matter,0,en
"That's great about your engagement, promotion and new car. I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry. Samsies!",0,en
"once upon a time , a rabbit went bald threedots threedots and he was so embarrassed that he ran away. he was hare today , gone tomorrow",0,en
Why did the smart phone eat a lot? It had a big APPetite,1,en
why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer? because he wanted frozen pop .,0,en
kids r so cute! they dont wanna sleep becuase theyre afraid of having nightmares whereas adults cant wait to sleep so they can escape them,0,en
Did you hear about the fish that married the duck? They got along swimmingly,1,en
Sometimes I wonder Do cancer patients have a sense of tumor?,1,en
I live in Spain.. But the s is silent,0,en
What's the difference between a baby and a virus scan I would never abort a virus scan,0,en
"if i had a dollar for every time i was wrong, i'd be incredibly broke .",1,en
have you ever been to a store that only sells lamps? i've heard it's pretty lit .,1,en
"A server asked the manager whether she should give a fork or spoon with the customer's mashed potatoes. The manager said ""Personally, I don't give a fork.""",1,en
"what is green , sings and can be found in the fridge? elvis parsley",0,en
"I just said ""No comment"" all the way through the police interview.  I didn't get the job.",1,en
"Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.",1,en
where does the three legged horse live? the unstable,0,en
I changed all my passwords to Kenny Now I have all Kenny logins,0,en
what's the most impressive thing about tom cruise performing his own stunts? he does it in heels,1,en
How do you know if your in an American classroom? Everybody bombs the test like it's foreign country,1,en
What do you call a blonde in the freezer? Her parents called her Cindy. She was supposed to get married tomorrow.,1,en
"Superman's Google searches: ""Strongest hero"" ""Strongest hero. Not Hulk"" ""Fastest hero"" ""Fastest hero. Not Flash"" ""Phone booth for sale""",0,en
"Your Honor, I would like to cite the legal precedent of Mothra v Godzilla.",0,en
"McDonald's uses canola oil, Five Guys uses peanut oil, and Taco Bell uses. castor oil",1,en
why are beans named after jews in spanish. because they are healthy and good for you,1,en
What type of pasta is most likely to cheat for a musical award? Rigatoni,1,en
Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas,1,en
"""Oh you're an organ harvester?""  ""No, I work in human resources""",1,en
What is the difference between jews and my juice My juice wasn't concentrated,1,en
"What noise does a ceiling fan make? GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!",0,en
"My doctor told me that I have syphillis, gonnorhea and chlamydia. On the positive side... HIV.",1,en
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: She's trying to hold on to a thought.,0,en
what's the best thing about alzheimer's? you meet new people every day .,1,en
I'M A STARK! Exclaimed the Italian stuck in traffic.,0,en
why did the washing machine stop? somebody threw the towel in .,1,en
"What is long, green, and has ""cum"" in it? A cucumber! Totally a cucumber...",0,en
how do you make a sports science major cry? remind them that high school is over .,1,en
What do you call someone driven mad by rain? Derainged,1,en
I know people who've told me life's too short. I used to know people who've told me life's too long.,0,en
"things to do in an elevator: alone with another person , tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you",1,en
What will happen when Pokemon GO Is updated with Johto Pokemon? It will become Pokemon GOld,0,en
There's nothing common. about Tutankhamun,0,en
"I think I saw Michael J Fox in a gardening centre earlier. It was hard to tell, he had his back to the Fuchsias",1,en
I hear the Black Knight isn't as bad as he seems. He's medieval,0,en
"yeah , you can't judge a book by it's cover. but if the cover isn't appealing , i ain't reading it",1,en
What's big grey and flies straight up? An elecopter !,0,en
Did you hear about the man who burnt down a field full of beans? He really razed some pulses.,1,en
"i went to art therapy to treat my dyslexia. i don't know why they put me in a maze , but the cheese was good",1,en
"My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together. At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!",1,en
"did you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job? they gave him the axe , he just couldn't hack it .",1,en
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she's left. She obviously wasn't blind at all,0,en
Marvel and Tim Burton are making a movie together starring Johnny Depp. It's called Wonkanda Forever.,1,en
When toys take a day off... ...they just Lego and relax their Nerfs.,1,en
"Did you hear about the Casino that hired a Blacksmith? He who smelt it, dealt it.",1,en
What is the name of the bear capitol? Koala Lumpur,0,en
I consider myself very decisive. I guess,1,en
"Predator taking off his mask, but it's me removing the filters from my selfies.",1,en
facebook : my little man is the best thing that's ever happened to me! twitter : free baby . dm for details .,0,en
there are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: leave him alone .,0,en
"tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "" care to make this interesting? "" and i said "" sure . for years i've been secretly in love with you """,1,en
A Lord of the Rings Joke How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died? He read it in the Hobbituary.,1,en
I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch,1,en
"What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left? ""You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes.""",1,en
"A powerful tornado tore through our town last night. So far, eight bodies have been found. Plot twister. It only damaged the graveyard.",0,en
"Welche vier Flusse kennt jede Blondine? Rhein, Inn, Main, Po",0,en
What does Jared Fogle and Barney the Dinosaur have in common? Both like kids,0,en
"this dude is using a pay phone, i guess someone got kidnapped",0,en
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust,1,en
I heard someone got shocked by their Ford. that must stang,0,en
What do you call a little polish boat? A Jetski.,1,en
what's the difference between a pound and a dollar? a dollar,1,en
Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.,1,en
Why is it always so sunny in Firefly and Serenity? Because they only have one season.,0,en
"Be yourself. Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food",0,en
What's the difference between a vegan and a priest? One renounced meat and the other embraced it,1,en
what do you call a cat with an eating disorder? a cat .,1,en
What do you call if a bunch of disabled people dress up as army? Special forces,1,en
What do you call a curry sauce? curry sauce,1,en
Where is the best place to vacation for Halloween? Galapaghost Islands.,0,en
What does BBW actually stand for? Boobs below waist.,1,en
being engaged daddy what does being engaged mean? son it's like getting a bike for christmas but not being able to ride it til easter .,0,en
How do you sum up a cashew? In a nutshell!,0,en
What do you call a retired comedian? Comedy mold.,1,en
"If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.",0,en
"The wife is mad at me My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.",1,en
Why didn't Jarred order the meatball sub? Because he didn't like the size of the meatballs.,1,en
"A jailed stutterer was so nervous when he pled for a pardon. They couldn't stand it anymore, and let him out before he finished his sentence.",1,en
I was thinking of running a marathon. But i decided it would be too hard to close the roads and get water for everyone.,1,en
Wordplay is like foreplay because most women don't get it.. Lots women here i see..,0,en
I just moved into an apartment above a jazz club. I was sick of paying for sax,1,en
What was Sisyphus's favourite type of music? Rock 'n' Roll,1,en
Why do penguins eat fish? Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.,1,en
"What does DJ Kahled say when he wants another taco? Another, Juan",0,en
""" how many people work at your company? "" about half of them .",1,en
"How much Squidwards does it take to fix a lightbulb? zero, because none of them knows how to",0,en
q : why did the little girl bury her flashlight? a : her batteries were dead .,0,en
"hey , do you like wind? no . i'm not a fan .",0,en
How does Lil Wayne get inspiration for his new music? He listens to his old music.,1,en
How do pro poker players greet each other? WSOP!,1,en
What did the overweight ballet dancer perform? The dance of the sugar plump fairy !,1,en
"When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.",1,en
So excited! I'm taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me. Nolege is power biches,0,en
I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy Too bad I'm not funny.,1,en
Where did most Jews go after Auschwitz? That depended on the weather conditions.,1,en
tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. i've been down every aisle and just realized all i have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby,1,en
I tried to download an ATV. But it was a bit Buggy,0,en
What's blue and gold and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts.,1,en
It's not racism It's pattern recognition,1,en
"i hear they designed the newest iphone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be .",0,en
what's an empty suit of armor doing on the drivers side of a car? he went out for the knight . ok i'll leave now,0,en
"What's a female lizard's favorite song? ""Girls just iguana have fun"".",1,en
i've said it before and i'll say it again: i've said it before and i'll say it again .,0,en
"Beth on Facebook ""Can't believe its Monday again already"". if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur",0,en
"Me: ""...american cheese, toasted."" Her: ""What kind of cheese?"" Me: ""American..."" Her: ""Want it toasted?"" Me: ""I'll just make it myself.""",1,en
"A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.",1,en
"I have a very obedient dog, whenever I tell him 'Are you coming with me or not? ', he is coming with me. Or not.",1,en
"So I have half a joke about a guy, Who is really shook up about his Parkinson's diagnosis. But I just cant quite put my finger on the punchline",1,en
A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have? A brief case.,1,en
can't find your children? try turning off the wifi . they appear suddenly .,0,en
I just drop my keyboard on the floor by accident. I lost control,0,en
when does it rain money? when there's a change in the weather .,0,en
Who is Nickelback's biggest fan? Helen Keller.,0,en
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat,1,en
"If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I'd be able to remember the characters' names from episode to episode.",1,en
"I blew a speaker in my car today... he was a motivational speaker, so now i feel better about myself.",0,en
I sat back looking at the stars and began to think. Where the HECK is my roof,0,en
Why doesn't Yogi wear shoes? He likes to go... bearfoot! I'll see myself out...,0,en
"it's ok, batteries threedots no one includes me either .",0,en
Who has the world record for the largest smoke ring? Lebanon.,1,en
"Kids want to be Batman, adults want to be Bruce Wayne I want to be Bruce Wayne's parents",0,en
what did one typewriter say to the other? I must be pregnant ... I missed a period ...,0,en
how long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth? not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom .,0,en
"I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously. Needless to say, I was shocked",1,en
"oh look , it's raining outside. i think i'll go on facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own",0,en
I dont know why we still have school shooting drills. It just teaches the quiet kid where to aim when he is ready.,0,en
"I've invented a new fun game for Halloween. It's called ""How long until their parent's call the police?""",1,en
What was the saddest moment in Michael Jackson life? The moment he found out Boyz ll Men was a singing group.,1,en
what do you get when you cross bears with salmon? cannibals .,1,en
Why did the Pharaoh Build a Statue of Himself? Because he Sphinx he's the best.,1,en
how can you tell a lawyer is lying? other lawyers look interested .,1,en
I'm so happy right now. For the first time in my life I've been in the merit list.  I'm the only one who passed the Hiv test which was conducted!!,0,en
Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas? ...because they're still alive.,0,en
i have an invisible friend. i haven't seen him for some time now,0,en
Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany. but they still called him Herr Jordan,1,en
my door bell rang this morning. i didn't even know it had a phone,0,en
update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn't get scared,0,en
Me? Just throwing magnets at strangers in the park to try to expose robots.,1,en
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later,0,en
"two women are at a cafe, sitting quietly",1,en
Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew.,0,en
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.,0,en
there are some days when i just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. i call these days monday friday,0,en
i absolutely love helium filled balloons. i can't speak highly enough about them,1,en
"doc : we think you may have a phobia of marriage . do you know what the symptoms are? me : can't say i do doc : that's one of the symptoms , yes .",1,en
"If you're going to go house hunting, try to blend in with your surroundings. Wear aluminum siding",1,en
do you even lift bro? i do take the lift sir .,0,en
why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? because if you don't c sharp you'll b flat .,1,en
"I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.",0,en
What do you call a pickle that draws? A dillustrator.,1,en
"Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, ""Which one is yours? "" Say, ""I haven't picked one out yet!"" It's worth it.",1,en
what's the most musical part of a fish? its scales .,1,en
what does jeb bush have in common with a threesome? a lot of people think three bushes is one bush too many .,1,en
"if you ask a police dog if he's a good boy, legally he has to tell you .",1,en
i don't want my wife any longer. her height is perfect,0,en
What is it called when an unvaccinated kid goes swimming Deadpool,0,en
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? Tenants,1,en
What's the difference between a highschool girl and a hammock? Its not illegal to lay i your hammock.,0,en
i think they picked me for my motivational skills. everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when i'm around !,1,en
What do you call someone who gets Praise and Merit on Reddit? Creddit!!!!,0,en
What do you call a movie producer that gives you more detail than you really wanted? TMI Burton.,0,en
"Magic Johnson own everything, movies, gyms, restaurants, sports teams! What kind of aids he got? Financial aids",0,en
What does Matt Damon call thrift shopping? Goodwill Hunting.,1,en
What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush? One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!,0,en
"Brie Larson had a son and she called him Ched... It's not a typo, it's the short of Cheddar.",0,en
"my boss asked if i accomplished my years resolution nope, i'm still working here",1,en
"if eve wore a fig leaf , what did adam wear? a hole in it .",1,en
i couldn't find you any new tampons. but i managed to pull a few strings threedots,0,en
how did moses feel after falling for a craigslist scam? egypt .,1,en
"That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter? One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.",1,en
"We're all born with scars. from the moment we open our eyes and look at the world we are wounded, we all share that same mark... Bellybuttons.",1,en
"guy at seaworld: ""it's a cross between an eel and a shark, we're asking everyone to pick a name for him"" wife: ""steve"" me: ""sharkeel o'neal""",1,en
"Me and my dad played the ""Inception game"" recently I was the dream and he had to go deeper. ",1,en
"ladies , the word for the day is "" legs. "" spread the word",1,en
What does a colour's laugh sound like? Hue hue hue,1,en
"Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily",1,en
Why was the math teacher late for school? He took the rhombus,1,en
How do you contact a cross dresser? Shemail,0,en
Who can watch an R rated movie but not a PG? Batman,0,en
"steve jobs maybe he was so disappointed with the new iphone, that he died .",0,en
"I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife reckons it's weird...  I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat!",0,en
why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security? well it's the first thing they say when i approach them .,1,en
what do you call a scary bee? a boo bee .,1,en
I saw a Prius crash into a Subaru Outback the other day. There was granola everywhere,1,en
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries....,1,en
What does raccoon say to a lion king Raccoon say raccoon a matama. Thank u my son,0,en
How do you know if you're in a French Village? If you see sap buckets on telephone poles.,1,en
My rare penny collection isn't very wise. It completely lacks common cents,1,en
What are rich people called in Japan? Milyennaires,1,en
I hear the moon is a pretty boring place. There's absolutely no atmosphere,1,en
"I'm pretty excited about my new band When I asked the record exec whether he thought our song would be popular, he told me it would be off the charts!",1,en
Where did Lucy go after the minefield? Everywhere,0,en
"i can't fall asleep right now, i'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep i will get if i fall asleep right now .",0,en
"The difference between men and women is that for men, ""stabby"" is not an emotion.",1,en
her : let's each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can't get mad . mine is ryan gosling . who's yours? me : the babysitter,0,en
Newspapers are missing the obvious headline for Target's Canadian stores closing down. TARGET MISSES THE MARK,1,en
"if i've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words .",1,en
what do you say to a guy with kidney stones? urine trouble .,1,en
What do you call a marathon runner that refuses to stop? A joggernaut.,1,en
Women's history is not our history. We were never the sandwich makers. So it wasn't.,0,en
What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!,0,en
"Me: ""I need a home improvement loan."" Banker: ""What will you be using the money for? "" Me: ""A divorce lawyer.""",1,en
"why is monday so far from friday, but friday so close to monday ?",0,en
"You know, it isn't considered necrophilia, If you start when they're still alive.",0,en
Did you hear about the emo pizza? He topped himself.,0,en
"the first rule of alzheimers club, is don't talk about chess club",1,en
purple is my favorite colour. i like it more than red and blue combined,1,en
what do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? angel food cake of course !,1,en
"My Boss keeps telling me that I'm the worst Train Driver ever. ""How many have you derailed this year so far?"" ..Dunno, I said. It's hard to keep track.",1,en
I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.,1,en
My clothes were traumatically stolen from me. But I've recovered,1,en
How To Make Lemon Squares: Make the undercookie Then the jigglesauce Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox,0,en
i was once accused of stealing money from work. i didn't do it but it was nice to know management also thought i wasn't getting paid enough,1,en
what do you call a penguin in the desert? lost .,1,en
It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning. You could hear the gunshots,1,en
Why was the tree stretching? So it could be timber!,0,en
"when the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. in a related story , you might want to order dessert now",0,en
do you know what's cooler than those fake chains around your license plate? everything . every single thing in the world .,1,en
how can you always break even at the casino? play the change machines .,0,en
"How does Santa make new baby reindeer? In vitro, in Prancer, in Dancer, in Vixen.",0,en
what do you call it when you dream about getting married? bed wedding .,1,en
"i'll never forget the first time we met although, i'll keep trying .",0,en
What's a loli's favourite car? A Niisan.,0,en
"me : sorry i'm late , i had computer problems . boss : hard drive? me : nah , there was no traffic , just the computer problems .",0,en
""" operation "" a : doctor , will i be able to play the piano after the operation? b : yes , of course . a : great ! i never could before !",0,en
"yea, in life jesus was a great man threedots threedots but it was only when he was nailed to the cross that he became holy .",0,en
What is common between an unvaccinated child and a ninja? An unvaccinated child will also become invisible if the ashes are dispelled.,1,en
What is a lighthouse keepers favorite instrument? a fog horn ,1,en
My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt,1,en
"If you're not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.",0,en
"I've got a job defusing landmines. It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet",1,en
Why was the man allergic to Christmas? Because it's the reason for the sneason.,0,en
Truth about miscarriages. Babys who died in a miscarriage were just doing a speed run of life.,1,en
My wife and I finally decided we wanted a child Mythbusted: They get a little loose after the first few times,1,en
Whats the best hot dog for a gas grill? Ann franks,0,en
What is always about to come but never does? My girlfriend,0,en
Watching Animal Hoarders. It's like Snow White only the animals aren't really helping with the cleaning,1,en
"I asked her what was more important, length or girth? Consent was probably the right answer",1,en
I don't know why people say food in the military is bad. I was given a big chicken dinner,1,en
what do you call a woman that is beautiful and smart? an actress .,1,en
just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice. take alligators for example,1,en
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astronut.,1,en
What is the strongest animal? A racehorse because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!,0,en
What's the fastest way to heaven? It depends on the flight delays.,1,en
"Where is the safest place to stay at Ferguson? The public pool, if it is too crowded try the library.",0,en
Have you ever heard of the lady who was accused of being the infamous Quilted Killer? She's innocent until proven quilty.,0,en
"if i'm extra friendly and super sweet when i see you again, it's cause i've forgotten your name",0,en
"Why did Pete Carroll find Marshawn Lynch in a tree? ""I'm just here so I don't get find.""",0,en
With Parkinsons. Every weight is shake weight,1,en
"What app do you get, when you download instagram a thousand times? Instakilo",0,en
At first I couldn't get used to all the plants in my living room. But I think I started growing into it,1,en
"Exclusive preview from newly released footage of Ryan Dunn's fatal crash ""Hi, I'm Ryan Dunn and this is the Paul Walker""",0,en
Did you hear the tragic news about Robin Williams? He's considering a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel.,0,en
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter. But it's not half as nice on toast.,1,en
Anyone wanna play Fortnite with me? It's cool and fun,0,en
What gas is best dressed at a dinner party? Formaldehyde,1,en
"""Bro, can you give me some kinda book or pamphlet for this location or product, bro? "" Brochure.",0,en
"Instead of presents, give your kids ""presence."" Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.",0,en
Q: What does a cat sleep on? A: A caterpillow.,0,en
doctor doctor i'm becoming invisible. yes i can see you're not all there !,0,en
It gets cold in Alaska during the winter. Juneau what I mean?,0,en
Some people say that it's impossible to have fun and burn calories. I suppose those people have never burned a fattie,1,en
"my superpower is turning "" never again "" to "" ok, one more time """,1,en
we all hold our hand out for help in this life. the goal should be to have your palm down more often than up,1,en
I want to make an alligator joke. But I'm afraid I'll get carried away,0,en
"Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.",0,en
What was the most important question at Auschwitz? Upper and lower heat or convection.,1,en
what do you get if you cross a gardener with a banker? a box hedge fund !,0,en
How do Emos greet each other? With open arms.,1,en
"You wanna know the difference between a Genie and a Genius? One grants wishes, and the other wishes for grants ",0,en
Where do military chaplains buy their regalia? At the army surplice store.,1,en
"Wanna hear a joke? Just wait until june, you'll hear them a lot",0,en
Did you know the royalty loves the carnival Princess Diana was particularly fond of the bumper cars,0,en
The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.,1,en
What do you call a relationship that never works out between guitarists? No strings attached,1,en
""" i see, "" said the blind man threedots as he picked up his hammer and saw .",0,en
I love halloween Its the one day a year were the children come to me,0,en
i was glad when one fish got away. there just wasn't room in the boat for both of us !,0,en
Were to find the bodies: Were you left them,0,en
If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching band what's his other favorite instrument to play? A trombone.,1,en
School shootings seem to be on the rise Always knew the education system was full of holes.,1,en
i saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night. the performance was a little wooden,1,en
"how do you know when someone's read the game of thrones books? don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
What is One Direction's favorite place to eat? Five Guys,1,en
"My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.",1,en
"""Wolfgang Mozart"", says Mozart's friend... ""What? !"" replies Mozart. Then they are both eaten by a gang of wolves.",1,en
"when you're alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what's up .",0,en
What do you call God in StarWars? A Skywalker,1,en
Have you ever been caught masterbating in a closet? Them: No. You: It's a really good hiding spot isn't it.....,1,en
why do women get so big when they're pregnant? to give their kids a wide birth .,1,en
The failure of my business confounds me. It just doesn't make cents,1,en
My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes At least that's a sweet way to go.,1,en
I was asked to make a website about French attractions for tourists... The German reviews of Paris were interesting.,1,en
q : what is your least favorite force of nature? a : gravity . it's always bringing me down .,0,en
what do you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? a nobel prize,1,en
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton,0,en
FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE EVERYTHING Q: What did one of the prositute's knee say to the other? A: Nothing. They have never met.,0,en
"doctor talking to a woman doctor says : it looks like you're pregnant . woman says : i'm pregnant? doctor says : no , it just looks like you're pregnant .",1,en
Why did the mathematician quit his job and join NASCAR? They told him he was good at deriving,1,en
how's college supposed to prepare you for the real world? all it does is make you tired and stressed out and anxious and nevermind i get it .,0,en
What does F in China stand for? Freedom. Oh wait...,0,en
I love bungee jumping But without the cord,0,en
"what is best potato? latvian potato is best potato . is kind you spend whole life looking for . also , low calories .",1,en
why did the book get stitches? because he had his appendix removed . note : books can also be female .,0,en
i've reached the point in my life where i'm ready for a life partner. but i'd probably be just as content with a cheeseburger,0,en
british people must really like leia in the new star wars movie. stiff upper lip !,0,en
Passover jokes? In case conversation at our seder lags.,1,en
"What did the depressed guy say to the other depressed guy? ""You wanna hang out?""",1,en
"I've recently begun living with a horse. At first, I was worried the smell might be a problem But, you know what? He doesn't seem to mind",1,en
what do you have if you don't have a kia? a nokia .,0,en
I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays,1,en
"i hope the guy behind me in line doesn't think i'm a weird cat lady cause my cart's full of fancy feast. i just like the way it tastes, dude",0,en
is your refrigerator running? threedots must've been made in france,0,en
"The only time my wife will ever scream ""Deeper, deeper! ""... Is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.",0,en
In a way.. Locking posts prevents them from being removed.,1,en
have you heard of the musical condoms? they started a rubber band .,1,en
"The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.",1,en
What do you get when you cross Michel Foucault with Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz? Panoptimism.,1,en
What's good on a woman but not on a pizza? Crust,0,en
missed connection : you walked by my house and saw me drinking from the hose. please respond with the hose color so i know it's you,0,en
"I've never dated a South African girl who I've disliked. Every time I meet one, we click almost immediately",0,en
"Every time I click on AMAs That's all the time we have, thanks everyone!",0,en
"Quite a few people aren't aware that I studied abroad for a year. Alas, she didn't teach me anything I didn't already know",1,en
I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work,1,en
What does a space mission and a pregnant lady have in common? They both have the ability to abort,1,en
"I always get teary when I become intimate with a girl, Any idea how to deal with pepper spray?",1,en
Some women bounce back quickly after pregnancy. some just bounce,1,en
What molecule has the best sense of humor? A helium polymer. HeHeHeHeHe,1,en
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and a woman? Inserting a rod into the reactor turns it off.,1,en
"In the event of a zombie apocalypse, who's the first to lose his job? a necromancer",1,en
I once had a pet fish... Then it died.,0,en
You can tell Monopoly is an old game; Rich people can go to jail.,0,en
I've always wanted to be a plumber. but my friends all say it's just a pipe dream,1,en
How do pirates measure rope? In yarr'ds.,1,en
why didn't the escaped peasant want to go to the beach? he was scared that he'd end up serfing again,1,en
"I've never skydived but I've checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist",1,en
why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend? because threedots bros before hose !,1,en
"Roses are red. Roses are red, downvotes are blue, speaking of downvotes, here's one for you",0,en
What is Michael J Fox's favourite song? Shake It Off by Tayler Swift,0,en
What are peas attracted to? Chickpeas,1,en
You remind me of a beautiful star in the night sky. You each have your own gravitational pull,0,en
What is the difference between a gun and a car only one is used by the weird kid,0,en
What is a Mexican bodybuilder's favorite supplement? Guey protein.,1,en
neighbour : if your son doesn't stop playing drums right now i'll lose my mind! me : too late threedots he's stopped half an hour ago,0,en
Why is Yahtzee better than the Bahamas? Because it's more than a paradise.,1,en
Why was Cinderella able to surf the web? Because he footman turned into a mouse.,0,en
What's the opposite of an antijoke? An unclejoke,0,en
"My new book, inspired by the BBC. Is touching your kid bad? A comprehensive guide to being a presenter.",1,en
Gloryholes are like restaurants. The best ones are just holes in the walls,1,en
"I was hanging out with my Japanese friend He asked me what I wanted to to do, I suggested we should play Battleship.",1,en
Why was the headmaster worried? Because there were too many rulers in school!,0,en
waiter there is a bee in my alphabet soup! yes sir and i'm sure there is an a c and all the other letters too,0,en
"Somewhere there's a cat named Pablo Picatso, and that's what keeps me going you guys.",0,en
whats the most common work of fiction? the average persons resume,1,en
"What I say to someone who's being crabby: Clam down, I'm shore it'll be fine.",0,en
"so, tim cook came out of the cloud ?",0,en
"If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.",1,en
what has teeth but no mouth? a comb or a saw .,1,en
"Enter password: ""ScoobyDoo"" sorry password must contain a special character ScoobydooFeaturingBatman",0,en
why did the man put his car in the oven? because he wanted a hot rod .,1,en
"It's the anniversary of the Titanic sinking. Fortunately, we've made sure that would never happen today by melting all the icebergs",1,en
What do you call a flower in Florida? Orlando Bloom.,1,en
"I may be nodding and smiling, but I'm secretly diagnosing you.",0,en
"I heard this joke about tinnitus, but I forgot how it goes . . . Is this ringing a bell for anyone?",0,en
"Why LOTR is a metaphor for life. Man puts ring on finger, slowly goes insane!",1,en
"When I was a kid, I thought Reader's Digest recommended the best books to eat",1,en
"Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV's ""Dinosaurs"" were all different species of dinosaur",1,en
"taco bell doesn't have a playground because kids that eat taco bell can't climb, or run .",1,en
Whats the difference between an orange and a person with als Ones a fruit and ones a vegetable.,0,en
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles... U.C.LA.,1,en
"My life is just like Black Swan, except replace ballet with reruns of Teen Mom and Mila Kunis with a carton of ice cream.",1,en
"Reddit Starts with an R and, Ends whit an E. right?",0,en
Internet Explorer is the best browser. to download another browser,0,en
What do you call the owner of Frigidaire? A refrigerator magnate,1,en
"as a miner , it's hard being on jokes. i never seem to strike gold on this subreddit",1,en
i would be completely shocked if i ever won the lottery. mainly because i don't play the lottery,1,en
what's the worst part of a ukrainian gas station? when you see the tongue drag across your windshield .,1,en
"You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let's get this relationship started",0,en
What is a dog lover's favorite cookie? Keebler,0,en
Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot.,1,en
"What's the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable? One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.",0,en
A man put a sail on his bike. He was gone with the Schwinn,0,en
"I just used ""volumizing"" shampoo for the first time. Everything sounds the same",1,en
"My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war. Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.",0,en
What is the difference between a redditor and a beluga whale The beluga whale actually enjoys seeing things multiple times as it gets to eat them.,1,en
Relationship goals: A relationship,1,en
"Hey street performer, try juggling life and a real job",1,en
"oh , you fell in love? ! i fell in my bathtub .",0,en
My new friend is like a grape. At first he was a G. Then it all went downhill from there. ,0,en
Hydrogen punched helium. Helium didn't react,1,en
"What is the holdup on square fruit, scientists?",0,en
"Why did the good Lord take my sweet, sweet children away from me in that horrible cave in? ... Never mined.",0,en
i've had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend. i've started seeing someone else,1,en
How do you subdue a large snake? You use a boa restrictor,1,en
How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off? It pants.,1,en
Why couldn't Bing start a fire? No matches founds,0,en
Someone told me I looked like a pokemon. I told them I thought it was a little Farfetch'd,0,en
can clocks keep secrets? time will tell .,0,en
"On the bright side, smoking cigarettes reduces the risk of winning a marathon.",1,en
"ice cream van accidents are very rare threedots but unfortunately, they always result in the loss of hundreds and thousands .",1,en
Why do clocks swear a lot? Because they have a tick.,1,en
rescue attempts are being made to save a bull stranded on mt. everest reports confirm that the steaks have never been higher,1,en
What does your mum and a producer have in common? They both give a good beat.,1,en
A mosquito landed on my wife's face. Easiest decision of my life,0,en
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.,1,en
"I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.",1,en
"a friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever .",1,en
what is a blonde's mating call? ' ' next ! '',0,en
I met a man whose feet were always asleep. I guess you could say he was comatoes,0,en
you still use internet explorer? you must like it nice and slow .,0,en
Energizer lubricant She'll keep coming and coming and coming.,0,en
Did you hear about the pitcher who died in a plane crash in the Gulf of Mexico? He had a real good sinker. ,1,en
All the girls I've ever kissed can agree on one thing. It's weird that I have a beak,1,en
Watching Unsolved Mysteries on Netflix is so frustrating! I keep forgetting it's got UNSOLVED in the title But I keep can't stop watching them,1,en
"What instrument does God play? He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: ""Our God is a cellist God.""",1,en
Who is a pine trees favorite guitar player? Frank Sappa,0,en
on a recent flight i was surprised to be served breakfast. although it was only plane yogurt,1,en
"For as long as that song was, you'd think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once...",0,en
so yellow and green are dating . why does yellow hate red? because red blue green .,0,en
what do you call an adopted ghost? transparent,1,en
The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel. Dinosaurs: We'll take those odds!,1,en
Jesus isn't one to get angry very often. But I remember seeing him once looking very cross,1,en
Why are chorus girls like barge horses? They have to tow the line!,1,en
what's the best day of the week to marry your gaming console? wednesday,0,en
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.,1,en
when my grandad fell ill the doctor told us to rub olive oil into his back. he went downhill very fast after that,1,en
"whenever i meet a girl with tattoos , i get excited. because i know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret",1,en
"What's little, brown, and found in the woods? Winnies' pooh.",0,en
Today I found out I'm half Asian. I'm CaucAsian,1,en
"I'm getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are ""slender and agile"" which pretty much rules that out.",1,en
I'd tell you a joke about a ghost boomerang. But I don't want it to come back to haunt me,0,en
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain? Because of the indoor fins.,1,en
"My roommate claims i'm schizophrenic. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate",1,en
How does a Russian catch fish? A niet!,1,en
i was so upset the day i found my first grey hairs. i thought i'd dye,1,en
What do you call a man who gives a woman the illusion of entitlement? A Husband...,1,en
The Mohel Did ya know that Mohels don't get paid? They only take tips.,1,en
"This whole virus situation really caught me by storm. just like my uncle, I never saw it coming....",0,en
How do you describe a near death experience? A missed opportunity,1,en
"At Toys ""R"" Us, Barbie and the Chuck Norris actions figures must be at least eight aisles apart by law. After all, it is a children's store",1,en
"Everyone loves to sleep in winters Specially older guys , like sometimes they don't even wake up.",1,en
"if a red bird has red babies , and a blue bird has blue babies , what bird has no babies? a swallow",1,en
"My hair is so long, it started growing it's own hair. Don't take that too seriously, it's metafollicle",0,en
there's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period. it's an ovary action,1,en
"Why do engineering majors refer to themselves ""engineers""? You don't see literature majors calling themselves Starbucks baristas",1,en
What do you call a stick that's good at algebra..? AN ARITHMESTICK.,1,en
what doesn't float to the top when it dies? a day old reddit post .,0,en
Who were the worlds fastest readers? WTC Employees when they went through hundreds of stories in seconds,1,en
pro tip : i'm not a pro. don't listen to my tips,1,en
"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour? No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.",0,en
What's blue and floating? Me... after I hang myself after years of fighting crippling depression.,0,en
What do you get from a cowmedian? Cream of Wit!,0,en
Joke: Why are autistic kids good electricians? Because they know how to light up a school. ,1,en
"Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn had a huge argument over whether to circumcise their son Lindsey went downhill from there, but Tiger made the cut.",0,en
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods... It could be Spam. ,0,en
what's the most common question in quantum physics? i don't know,1,en
What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding? Cantelope,0,en
You know what drastically goes down during the summer? School shootings.,1,en
What do you say to a man from Liverpool who has a full time job? I'll have a big mac extra cheese.,1,en
"Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves? The lavatory, of course!",1,en
"When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it...",0,en
"people always freak out when i start playing their kid like a bass. it's like chill , you can play him like a bass too once i finish the song",1,en
"So a finch asks his mother... ""Mom, why does my beak look different than yours? "" She replies, ""Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted.""",1,en
is a person diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? just asking for some friends .,1,en
"Under a microscope, the covid virus looks like little helicopters When your only tool is a helicopter, every problem looks like Kobe.",1,en
what do you call an elephant in a phone box? stuck .,0,en
"your baby's cute. not baby elephant cute , but still cute",0,en
Why is owning a Prius difficult? It's hard to drive when you're patting yourself on the back all the time.,1,en
What's the difference between school libraries and public libraries in America? School libraries have magazines instead of books.,1,en
Did you hear the one about the German who couldn't find his fruit cake? It was Stollen.,0,en
How do we know Stephen Hawking is always hungry..? He's always chewing his shoulder.,1,en
When you think You got a mild fever but then the whole Avengers cast comes to meet you.,0,en
"i'm working on my second million, since i failed so much at the first .",0,en
What do you call a flamethrower in Vietnam A rice cooker,1,en
"hey guys , i have to lettuce you know that i spend half of my celery on vegetables. you carrot stop eating them but that's just my onion",0,en
What do you call a pessimistic melon? A cantaloupe,1,en
"My friend told me that his mom got the coronavirus I asked, I thought it didn't affect objects?",1,en
"bored, so i'm going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her i'm her from the future .",1,en
Who's around sweaty men all day and is really good at blowing? A referee,1,en
"On Valentine's Day, show her how much you care about her by using a Groupon.",0,en
"Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law. It's my P.S. de resistance.",1,en
How much does a dragon weigh? Wonton,0,en
What do you call olive oil that is really outgoing? Extroversion,1,en
what do redditors always get confused by? seven .,1,en
"what's the similarity of a dough and a human? if they are thick , they have a hard time to rise",1,en
"The words synonym and antonym are antonyms. Well played, antonym",1,en
I saw a famous cyclist mimicking an emergency vehicle. It was AmbuLance Armstrong,1,en
the ultimate comfort food: a blanket made out of grilled cheese sandwiches .,1,en
I buy cars like I buy my woman Less than a year old which rides well,1,en
What do you call a garden full of vegetables? An intensive care unit.,1,en
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist's Guide,0,en
Do you know about the constantly airborne bird species native to Holland? It Netherlands.,1,en
"An advice was given to a depressed car It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself. ",1,en
I took my wife to the Planetarium. She was shocked to learn that she is not the center of the universe,1,en
"As an adult, it's exciting to know that I'll soon be old enough to play a high school student on ABC Family.",1,en
"What did the knife say to the pretty lady? Nothing, she knew what was coming...",0,en
How do you know microwave is broken? The baby is still crying,0,en
"Girl, we can play zoo. and you can tame my monkey",0,en
"if you don't wear a body wallet to bed with all your cash in it, you aren't really raising teens .",1,en
once i was walking and i kept walking: p that's all how are doing today ? what ' time is it at your house ? are you married ?,0,en
"so far it's been an, "" i look okay enough to go to walmart but not to go to target "" kind of day .",1,en
What attracts the kids? Kevin Spacey,0,en
How to be good at math? Any guide?,0,en
"I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate...",0,en
"DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.",0,en
"My exes dying words were, ""you're obviously in one of your moods""",1,en
"Two economists fall into a hole they realize they are trapped, and so they come up with a plan. The first step in their plan is... assume a ladder.",1,en
"i'm trying, but all the liam neeson jokes are taken .",0,en
what do you call a cockroach filing a complaint? a bug report,1,en
Q: What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A: A fence.,0,en
"My wife says that all she wants is an attentive lover...... ...or maybe it was a tent of lovers. I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention.",1,en
what happens when you throw a green stone into the red sea? it gets wet .,0,en
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry,1,en
what do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram? memory loss .,1,en
What's the difference between a perfume shop and a school? You won't get arrested for spraying inside a perfume shop.,1,en
"i'm not lazy, i'm on energy saving mode .",0,en
why do teenage girls not like filing papers? they just don't believe in labels .,1,en
"Win every disagreement by saying "" I know. I'm from the future."" Because they can argue with you, but not science.",1,en
Several ducks were found dead in a playground. Police are suspecting fowl play,1,en
what does a spider do when he gets angry? he goes up the wall !,0,en
"my gf told me she had an std threedots i would've been surprised, but i heard this one before",0,en
"Back seat drivers are all the same.. ""Why we going into the woods? "" ""Let me out""",1,en
"What did the Jewish man do when he got a dog? Posted fliers around the neighborhood that said ""Not Lost Yet"".",1,en
how to make a girl laugh step one: ask her out .,0,en
"Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. ""Me want cookies, "" he sadly intones. ""Me want cookies.""",1,en
What did the Down's syndrome boy with leukaemia get for Christmas? Abandoned.,0,en
"Alright Ralphs, here's the deal: you replace people with automated cashiers, I replace paying with stealing produce.",0,en
My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication,1,en
How do you describe the facial features of a man who shaves with sculpting tools? Chiseled.,1,en
Why can't the armless girl comb? Because she already had cancer.,0,en
A woman is calling her cell provider. Woman: I don't get my text messages Tech support: Have you tried reading them again,0,en
where's the best place to do a mannequin challenge? in a morgue .,0,en
"i used to have a job eating vegetables i hated it, but the celery was good",1,en
what do you do after you but a new oven? invite all of your friends over and have an oven warming party .,0,en
Did you hear about the contortionist who filed for bankruptcy? He couldn't make ends meet.,1,en
How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand. ,0,en
"i'm for traditional marriage, mostly because i want to know how many goats i'm worth .",1,en
"when counting down, i can't stand negative numbers i stop at nothing to avoid them .",1,en
What do you call a ghost in spring? April ghouls,1,en
what meal was given out to the survivors of the chernobyl accident? fission chips .,1,en
Harry Potter joke Q. Why can't Snape teach Herbology? A. He can't keep the lilies alive.,0,en
i never thought that the internet was very useful but now i've changed my mind. let's hope your new one works better then the one you had before,0,en
"If you don't know what a prefix is, don't worry. It's not the end of the word",1,en
I got caled into jury duty today. That's going to result in a well hung jury,1,en
"I was once told I run like a gazelle But the guy who said it was in a wheelchair, so I took it with a grain of salt.",1,en
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan,1,en
two guys playing poker . one guy not doing anything . why? he was cardboard .,1,en
"love it how music can take you to another place. for example , one direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one",1,en
What do frogs order at a fast food chain? French flies Mcribbit Chicken leg,1,en
What does Snoop Dogg do when he forgets to put on oven mitts? He drops it like it's hot.,1,en
What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet of washing up powder? Bubble and squeak !,0,en
What does the lord say when the intern messes up? God demi,0,en
how to fleas travel? itch hiking !,0,en
"my dad always said , "" i before e expect after c "". society taught me otherwise",1,en
Watson: Someone replaced the plotter paper with card stock. Holmes: The plot thickens. ,1,en
"Everyone's talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.",1,en
What size clothes do fortune tellers wear? Medium.,1,en
"Anyone out there interested in buying my Delorean ? Great condition, low mileage.. .. really only driven from time to time.",0,en
Iggy Azalea may not be the best singer. but she certainly is the fanciest,0,en
"a bodybuilder was killed when a fire broke out in my gym. staff tried to escort him out , but he wanted to feel the burn",1,en
"What's the official title for the Poopsmith's boss? We feel like we have the best two answers, and there's disagreement over who's is best.",1,en
can someone please tell me? what does the fox say,0,en
im smart. if asian equals pi then four times four is sixteen told you i was smart,0,en
my imaginary friends are real. they just happen to be friends with other people except me,0,en
"if i can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat .",0,en
Bomb dome Who gave the best dome out of the below tv housewives? Harriet Winslow Vivian banks Jill Taylor Marge Simpson,0,en
"""What is your reason for divorce? "" She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'",1,en
"a computer programmer was asked if he used java or something else . after a short pause, he replied "" yes . """,1,en
What's the opposite of critical thinking? Critical theory.,1,en
I tried to make a joke about cults. But the punchline was too long,1,en
"What's the difference between a child and a lamp I can turn on the lamp, but the child turns me on",0,en
"What starts with an O, is almost extinct in this subreddit, and rhymes with nationality? Originality. ",1,en
"Before twitter, celebrities used to sit dead for months and months completely unnoticed.",1,en
What do you call a comedian that can't get a girl pregnant? Carl Barron,1,en
why was purple jealous? because red blue green .,0,en
how can you tell if a duck has soul? if it's bill withers !,0,en
What's the best way to eat Ethiopian food? In and out through the nose.,1,en
"for the life of me, i can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist .",1,en
"To everyone in Boston, Happy New Year... But don't mistaken the gunshots this evening with fireworks.",0,en
What is the opposite of a meme? youyou.,0,en
What wears off faster than a girl's makeup? My depression. p.s. Dedicated to the girl who just left the lift.,1,en
what's the difference between woody from toy story and a priest? only one of them goes limp when a child walks into a room .,0,en
"i got lost in your eyes. but i also get lost in most department stores , so i wouldn't read too much into it",1,en
"You guys hear about the new Lebron James phone? It only vibrates, it doesn't have a ring.",0,en
What's the difference between a Histerectomy and a Hersterectomy? The ER!!,0,en
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now. Hopefully modeling,0,en
"Burger King: Have a chicken fry again! But Sensei, I thought they could arways fry",0,en
did you hear about the temple that burnt down? holy smokes .,1,en
what's the difference between a beaver and a deer? the deer has a bigger beaver,1,en
"chicken to turkey : "" only thanksgiving and christmas? you're lucky with us it's any sunday . """,1,en
Which two letters on the keyboard are the furthest from each other? X and V. There's a C between them.,0,en
""" doctor , doctor , i keep seeing green spots . "" "" have you seen an optometrist? "" "" no , just green spots . """,0,en
What would be the name of a rock if she's female? ROCKelle.,0,en
"im tired of the movies , i miss the transformers cartoon. that's when optimus was in his prime",0,en
What's the easiest thing to do if you have Parkinson's? Brushing your teeth,1,en
What's the opposite of a hipster? A napster,1,en
I knew she'd been working at the foundry. because I smelter,0,en
"when a recipe asks for crushed ice, i tell the cubes they'll never amount to anything .",1,en
"After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES",1,en
TIL: Rock band Saliva wrote a tribute song in memory of Kurt Cobain Click Click Boom,1,en
My friends really into acid rock. Personally I prefer my music with more bass,1,en
What do you call a sophisticated American? Canadian,1,en
homework. half of my energy wasted on random knowledge,1,en
What does the H in women stand for Humor,1,en
Did you hear they are combining the MENSA convention and the pride parade next year? Scientists predict a homogeneous mixture of attendees,1,en
What does as electronic engineer make for breakfast? Ohmlettes,0,en
why do babies cry when they're born? because it's the most painful day in their lives,1,en
"if "" pizza? "" is the question , "" pizza ! "" is the answer .",1,en
Did you hear about the blind carpenter who was magically healed? He picked up his hammer and saw.,0,en
what do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jooouice!,0,en
What is Shaun Morgan's favorite food? Seether salad,0,en
Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom? Because he was fighting the Klingons.,0,en
some people pride themselves on their hard work. i pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job,1,en
what kind of fish loves to fix instruments? a tuna .,1,en
What was Chester Bennington doing in the coffee shop? Hanging out.,0,en
I found Jesus last week. My garden has never looked nicer,0,en
I just poked myself in the eyes. I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon,0,en
What do you get when you cross Groot with Santa? A Giving Christmas Tree,0,en
How did the lawyer chip his tooth? The ambulance slammed on its brakes.,1,en
Why did I stop my daughter from digging up the lawn? Cause maid was buried there.,0,en
the man who invented chinese whispers has died. pass it on threedots,0,en
What's fourteen inches and white? Nothing.,0,en
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog,1,en
I'd like to buy a bed please. Certainly madam. Spring mattress? Oh no! I want to be able to use it all year.,0,en
q : why is the banana the most popular fruit? a : because of its appeal .,0,en
"I accidentally ran over my dishwasher. I can still hear her out there, screaming for help while the cold and ice eats away at her now broken body.",0,en
It was dark I couldn't see. Then Jamal stopped blocking the sun.,0,en
How many contortionists fit in the trunk of a regular sedan? Depends on the size of the pieces.,1,en
Public schooling in Turkey be like Did the Armenian genocide happen? a. No b. Of course not.,1,en
"being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy .",1,en
"at least stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage .",1,en
"you text him , he doesn't text you back. obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted",0,en
how do angels greet each other? they say halo .,1,en
What do you call a lame horse? Elmer,1,en
"I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won't think I'm pooping. So yeah, I'd say I'm pretty professional",1,en
"if you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that i ignored you first .",0,en
Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!,0,en
What do my old textbooks and girls have in common? I keep them in my basement,1,en
"i have caller id for the front door. if you don't call me first , i am not answering the door",1,en
"I wrote a song about cutting down trees. It's not a snappy tune, it just lumbers along",1,en
swimming is good for you. especially if you are drowning,1,en
What's the name of Jackie Chan's catholic brother? Chris Chan,0,en
"what's small , purple and dangerous? a grape with a gun",0,en
"just bought a book "" jokes about captain obvious "". it's full of captain obvious jokes",1,en
why did the janitor file for a divorce? he found his wife sweeping with someone else .,1,en
Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.,1,en
Did you hear about the popcorn that was demoted? He used to be a kernel.,1,en
you know what gets me down? elevators .,0,en
"for earth day , turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. if we all work together , we can totally cool this planet",0,en
"the easiest way to find out if a movie is on netflix is to simply ask yourself "" do i want to see it? "" if you do , it's not on netflix .",1,en
It's kinda funny being told what to do By a people who routinely do not do what they are told to do.,0,en
what did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time? i'm thor,0,en
What could I complete the equation Because I'm the problem.,1,en
I told my girlfriend that I am over my ex. I don't have to feel guilty anymore,0,en
Dad did you manage to fix my toy? No it's not broken the battery's flat. Well what shape should it be,0,en
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box,0,en
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don't think adding more pricks will make a difference,1,en
I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning. Even if it is to make sure the door is locked,0,en
the police were easily able to identify will smith as the killer. he left fresh prints,1,en
just finished leg day with my new trainer and now i need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. or shower in the kitchen sink ?,0,en
What's the difference between hunting coons and deer? Deer aren't chased by white robes.,1,en
If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws what would the movie be called? Loch Jaws.,1,en
""" oh , look at the moon! "" i've seen the moon . thanks .",0,en
I'm looking for a new nursing home for my mother. Something without phones or access to postage stamps,0,en
Q: What do you call four matadors in quicksand? A: Quatro sinko.,0,en
"My mind's telling me ""No! "" But my body, my body's telling me ""There's that chicken salad in the fridge.""",1,en
What car do lawyers love? Subarus.,0,en
I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something,0,en
One day we celebrated my Jewish grandparent's birthday. He was really good topping for the cake.,1,en
you see those cows over there? they are outstanding in their field .,0,en
I ate some fireflies for supper today. I'm trying to eat light,1,en
What are you doing on Valentines Day? I'm getting my hands massaged.,0,en
"""Raising a family is hard,"" he said. ""Not if they're buried close enough together,"" replied the Necromancer",1,en
"I went to a sandwich shop and ordered a pastrami sandwich, but I received a meatball marinara. Whoops, wrong sub",0,en
What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A tourist.,1,en
in victoria secret shop threedots sir can i help you? yes threedots does this come in children sizes,0,en
A skink and a skunk had a baby what did they call it? Bustamante. After the grandfather.,1,en
"As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man",1,en
"I have been trying to find a new hobby So lately i have been drag racing. I win most of the time, it's hard for them to outrun me in heels",1,en
What do you call a cavator that isnt a cavator anymore? an EXcavator,1,en
"I decided to bring my glockenspiel to school today... Except the E, N, S, P, I, E and L are all silent",0,en
shops have changed so much. In my day you could go in with a pound and get a bag of crisp and a magazazine now days they have cameras,1,en
"What is the slogan of the Mormon Church? ""We don't care how you bring 'em, just Brigham Young.""",1,en
What camp never loses focus of its goals? Concentration camp,1,en
Why are Werewolves such pessimists? They refuse to look at the silver lining.,1,en
A stitch in time. Would confuse Einstein,0,en
"If I had a time machine and could travel to any time imaginable, I know in my heart I'd probably just set that thing to lunchtime.",1,en
If they're old enought to count.. They're old enough to mount. ,0,en
what sound does a shotgun make? cobain cobain,1,en
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!,0,en
"I feel like I've eaten three countries! ...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.",0,en
It might be nice to be an animal surgeon But I don't want to make a job out of my hobby,1,en
"i remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe threedots it meant the world to me .",0,en
If Ekans is Snake backwards and Abroc is Cobra backwards. What does that say for Muk,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who crushes Pepsi cans with a hydraulic press? It's sodapressing.,1,en
I like my ex's like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer,0,en
what do you call a documentary on nuns? virgin media .,1,en
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but. Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer,0,en
"""I don't know what else to say. "" Me, giving my husband false hope",0,en
Why did Bruce Willis die with a smile on his face? Because he died hard.,0,en
I've wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds,1,en
"Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.",1,en
travel tip: don't pack for the weather you want .,0,en
what do spongebob and lebron james have in common? they both hit the deck and flop like a fish .,1,en
"Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.",1,en
"IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY",0,en
many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. they fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh,1,en
Two magic beans... Two magic beans are in a court house. One of them wants a restraining order against the other. The reason? He's bean stalking her,0,en
"Guy one: ""Bro I missed the first world war. "" Guy two: ""Don't worry man, they made a sequel"" Guy three: ""I heard it bombed in Japan""",1,en
So what if I don't know what's an apocalypse? It's not end of the world,0,en
"I once had a dog, that no matter what I tried to teach him, he only ever learned the the command ""shake"". He had Barkinson's disease",1,en
What is a Jewish persons favorite thing to wear? Striped pajamas,1,en
Did you hear about the day your parents got married? It was so beautiful even the cake was in teirs.,1,en
Why is Rocky so relaxed before his fights? Because he's good at beating the meat.,1,en
"So my crush was looking pretty hot today, too bad I'm homeschooled...",0,en
What do you call a Disney tattoo parlor? Monsters Ink,1,en
What's madeleine mccanns favourite Cereal What's madeleine mccanns favourite Cereal Cheerios,0,en
What do you need to split a photon? A lightsabre,0,en
"Did you hear about Draymond Green's new comedy road show? It's like Gallagher, but instead of watermelons he only smashes kiwis.",1,en
"thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years",1,en
"I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home, the tables were turned",1,en
What is it called when you think you see a popstar in the desert? It's a Nicki Mirage.,1,en
What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike? Itenticle,1,en
"when i enter a bathroom stall , i close the door , sigh with relief , and loudly say , "" this is it. this is where i'll start my new life """,1,en
Autism speaks Just not very well,1,en
What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken? No weigh...,1,en
"i don't need stress management, i just need less stress to manage .",0,en
what does pinocchio have for breakfast? oakmeal,1,en
why do trees die? they become board .,0,en
"trying to find the meaning of life next up is ""lift"" followed by ""ligament"", ooh i love this dictionary",0,en
"They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but actually. A plateau is",1,en
What's the difference between a quarter and a nickel? The Hiroshima bombing didn't kill a nickel of a million civilians.,1,en
It is hard peeling of kiwi It is moving too much,0,en
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff,1,en
how long does an owl live? about six and a half books .,1,en
My parents suggested I study Art because they love me so much and want me to live with them forever.,0,en
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question,0,en
mohammad and his band mates just dropped their first album!! it totally blew up,1,en
What do you do when a jellyfish stings you? Jump in a Kiddie Pool.,0,en
What do we want?  Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!,0,en
yo girl are you popcorn? because i'm trying to butter you up .,0,en
Did you hear about the blind porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!,0,en
"My sister told me she's dating an Irish guy I said, ""Oh really? "" She replied, ""No, O'Reilly.""",1,en
Dating Tip: Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats,0,en
My girlfriend is like Christmas. Only comes once a year,1,en
"My wife said I looked skinny. I said, ""Thanks. You should try it.""",1,en
Which of the Three R's does this subreddit like to do the most? Reuse.,0,en
What happens when you Drop the soap Final stretch,0,en
Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza,0,en
"I own a very profitable bakery I guess you could say, i'm rolling in the dough",1,en
Where is the easiest place to see a two toed dog? The Wizard of Oz.,0,en
What do you call a Mexican knockoff burger restaurant? Carlos Jr.,1,en
What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs? They have to sit in their own pew.,1,en
"He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said ""What is wrong with it? "" ""It's swollen.""",1,en
debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. i was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen,1,en
"Told my kids to get rid of toys they don't play with, so if you hear a commotion it's just them desperately playing with every toy they own.",1,en
"Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.",1,en
"Yesterday I have seen some guys pump a cat full of gasoline The cat ran few meters and dropped on the ground. ""Probably out of gas"", I thought",1,en
What do you call a failed surgery? An autopsy ,1,en
Everything is made from matter. That's why everything matters,1,en
what's wrong if everything is all right? there's nothing left,0,en
Why do blind people have a cane? So when they are driving they put it on the bumps so they know they are still on the road,1,en
"If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.",0,en
why is there no gang violence on the space station? because it is a zero g environment .,1,en
My wife just woke me up to tell me... Wait. June is over? You must be... JULYing.,0,en
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and Lena Dunham? Lena Dunham wrote the book about it.,1,en
I recently started a company that combines Perchloric Acid with random elements. So far you could say Bismuth is booming,1,en
What was the name of the hobbit who went to get frozen yoghurt? Froyo Baggins.,0,en
what's the difference threedots between my girlfriend and santa? some people actually believe santa exist .,0,en
"Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg. Or Ian",0,en
I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school. It's called Crossfit,1,en
a new version of clue is coming out this year it's called flint river clue. the only weapon is a lead pipe,1,en
I told my deaf friend that everything's gonna be okay. I hope he can hear it.,0,en
Guess what my lonesome self and my right hand did for Valentines day. Sign Valentines cards for my relatives,0,en
A question for the people wearing the mask below their nose How much do you get from disability benefits these days?,1,en
What do the Post Office and a shoe store have in common? Thousands of brown loafers,1,en
my friend started making bird puns towards me. toucan play at that game !,0,en
What does a barcode say if he bumps into another barcode? SKU me,0,en
"Data Today, a CS professor asked us what data is. Apparently, even though technically correct, the plural form of datum was not the answer he had in mind",1,en
Poetry cannot be justified. It's a typography joke,1,en
Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It's like they are cramming for their final exam,1,en
"I haven't pooped in a couple weeks I'm not constipated, I'm just procrapstinating",1,en
What do Freud and Bill Cosby have in common? They both explored the unconscious,1,en
what do astronauts eat for dinner? launch meat .,1,en
"Watching a Sarah McLachlan concert on TV on a Saturday night. It's funny, this wasn't on my bucket list yet I feel so close to actual death",0,en
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road... Are you okay? How does that even happen,0,en
Chuck Norris joke cause it's been a long time. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise,1,en
I had a date last night. Such an underrated fruit,0,en
Taking that CPR class before Highschool. Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought,1,en
Why was the river rich? Because it had two banks.,1,en
where does spaghetti go to dance? the meatball .,1,en
my teacher called me into her office today. she totally wants my d to go up to a c,0,en
What do we have for dinner? Wookie steak. Is it any good? Well its a little Chewy,0,en
"Professor X to JK Rowling: Professor X: ""What's your power?"" JK Rowling: ""I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."" Gay Professor X: ""Interesting.""",1,en
What's Sisyphus' least favourite type of music? Rock and Roll.,0,en
I know a place where you can meet tons of women. Weight watchers,1,en
why is a coin factory so logical? because it makes cents .,1,en
Who was the best actor in the bible? Samson he brought the house down !,1,en
Why doesn't Popeye's sell grape soda? Honestly I was just there getting and sandwich and they didn't have any lol what gives?,0,en
What I if told you You read the title wrong,0,en
i'm getting engaged next month. not because i'm in love but because it's gonna look dope on instagram,0,en
"Mom: Son, eat your vegetables Son: But mom, autistic kids taste funny",0,en
"My friend asked me, ""What is a palindrome? "" I said, ""No, it's not.""",1,en
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback,1,en
"Who would win in a fight? A bicycle wheel or an old book? Well, it's hard to say. One's pumped and the other's ripped",1,en
"You know about the charitable landscaper, right? One hand gives, the other rakes.",1,en
"Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor? He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.",1,en
"knock, knock . who's there ? wooden shoe . wooden shoe who ? wooden shoe like to hear another joke ?",0,en
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser's Castle? PEACH I MIGHT BE,0,en
"In life, we should all aim to be like Italian meatballs. Well seasoned and well rounded",1,en
my proctologist gave me two thumbs up. which i did not appreciate,1,en
"what can you add to any food to make it taste better? the word "" free """,1,en
"Batman asked Alfred to fill up the bathtub Alfred replied with, ""Sir, what's the htub?""",1,en
"""It's a boy!"" Mario shouted. ""It's a boy!"" With tears rolling down his cheeks, Mario came running out of the room....and never visited Bangkok again.",0,en
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm? A: You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.,0,en
"I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized",1,en
"I just don't know where I stand on masturabation. I mean, on one hand it feels good, but on the other hand it feels bad",1,en
"You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.",0,en
How do I know I shouldve been born in America? We both love to see my AK in school.,0,en
Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.,0,en
What was Jimmy Savilles favourite musical note? A minor,1,en
"blows you, kisses see proper punctuation is important",1,en
do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? mom ! i see an angel .,0,en
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach? Because he didn't want to be recognised !,1,en
"One of the band members of Chumbawumba were in a bar fight. He got knocked down, but he got up again",1,en
Why did the runner stop listing to music?  Because she broke too many records. ,1,en
q : how does a woman scare a gynecologist? a : by becoming a ventriloquist !,0,en
What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother,1,en
there's both a mcdonald's and a blood pressure machine at our walmart. circle of life,0,en
Why can't cars fly kites? Because of the windshield.,1,en
What do you call an ant with frog's legs? An antphibian.,1,en
"I love a good swim, but if someone asked me what my favorite stroke was I'd probably have to say Margaret Thatcher's.",1,en
What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!,0,en
Coronavirus Coronavirus is an just an instance of Chinese remainder theorem.,1,en
"hey , is your computer running? well , you better go catch it !",0,en
"when people see you as a competition, you already won .",0,en
you know what the worst part about being tall and funny is? my jokes go right over most people's head .,1,en
What's the difference between woman's rights and suicides? There are too many.,0,en
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me,1,en
Where can you find vegetables except from the supermarket? Hospital.,0,en
"Just bought a raffle ticket, top prize a Mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover",0,en
What's the bad thing about elementary school kids on the short bus? They get older.,1,en
did you hear about the housing prices in baltimore? i hear they're a riot !,0,en
"me : oh my god, that cat is adorable ! she's the cutest kitty i've ever seen ! cat : i just want to be friends .",0,en
when Life teaches you a lesson make lessonade! im tired,0,en
It's hurts for me to say this. But I have a sore throat,0,en
Oh no... I copied the wrong document... ... it was an original mistake.,0,en
thanks autocorrect. i wanted her to know that i shaved my duck,0,en
Christmas is all about... Santa emptying his sack onto the children all across the world.,0,en
I was gonna go on a double date the other day. But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with me,0,en
When will the hospital equipment arrive? defibrillater,0,en
"it's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say .",1,en
"What does a mediating blond girl sound like? ""Ummmmmmmmmm....""",1,en
"i'm always willing to put in more hours at work, specifically lunch hours .",1,en
"Pinion nut math What do you get when you have one pinion nut in one hand, and two pinion nuts in another? A difference of a pinion!",0,en
"I'm going to start a podcast, mainly because I think it would be great to have more people besides wife and kids who don't listen to me.",1,en
How many pushups can Ryan Gosling do? All of them.,0,en
What do you call a ghosts their parents? Transparents,1,en
"""What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"" ""That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...."" ""That's not so big! "" ""Between the eyes?""",0,en
What is a mathematician's favorite food? A slice of Pi.,1,en
a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ' her ',0,en
It's funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishmen,1,en
"What's Emperor Palpatine's favorite kind of cheese? ""Gouda, gouda...""",0,en
I love doing laundry. It's the only time you can separate the whites from the coloreds and no one gets offended,1,en
"what's green , has a cape , and flies? super pickle !",0,en
how did the Imam order his dessert? Allah mode,1,en
What do you call a hydrocarbon that tells fart jokes? Crude Oil.,1,en
america: where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes .,1,en
"A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.",1,en
Who is the richest person in the Bible? The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.,1,en
"Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Arnold Palmer: Mmm... its good... I just invented it.",0,en
I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats,1,en
How did Winnie the Poo die? Rabbit had to break the pooh to get it out of his hole.,0,en
"Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct? Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat",0,en
Do you know whats the difference between mods and a deaf vegetable? The wheelchair.,0,en
Relationships are like clothes... sometimes it's better to get out of the old and into the new,1,en
If my friend hangs himself I'll just go and play swing with his body.,0,en
I got hit on the top of my head by a Japanese car part while walking during a storm this morning...  It was raining Datsun cogs...,0,en
"My girlfriend asked me what world of Warcraft and league of legends are. Wow, lol",0,en
Words: For when an emoticon just isn't enough.,1,en
"A guy I know just posted ""I'm relaxing today, don't bother me"" on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I'm not",1,en
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.,1,en
"i was speaking to my friend he was telling me about a plan he had to change all the numbers in the world into roman numerals. i said "" not on my watch """,1,en
Why did the biology magazine put a picture of gametes on their cover? Because sex cells.,1,en
I don't know why people say life is short. this seems to be taking forever,0,en
Worlds shortest horror story The last man on earth sat alone in a room. there was a knock on the door,0,en
"Guess who's the central character in the next Aliens movie. Ripley, believe it or not",0,en
Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer,1,en
Who ships Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio the most? Not Titanic,0,en
do you know the time? no we haven't met yet !,0,en
"i wanna like most of the jokes here threedots but for the most part, i reddit before .",0,en
What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby.,0,en
When a woman asks how good I am in bed. I'm definitely not the second coming,1,en
"Two dead horses go to heaven The male horse says to the female horse "" if we were still on Earth we'd Stick Together Like Glue""",1,en
What food guide does a Chicagoan need in Japan? A Ramen Manual.,1,en
what did the beatles say when a hot but unexpected guest showed up at their bukkake party? here comes the sun !,1,en
how do you say dinner in spanish? john cena,0,en
"if women do the splits, do men do the banana splits ?",1,en
My life is like the cuphead game It's a joke,1,en
What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA? Jalapeno Business...........,1,en
I caught my roommate's cat attempting to eat my Bible. I guess he got hungry for God's word.,1,en
i married a european chess master. he's my czech mate,0,en
What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain !,0,en
What did the dog say after stepping off a sailboat? Wharf!,0,en
"Two Ninjas What do you call two ninjas named Charlie, stranded outside on a cold night? Numchucks.",1,en
Did you hear about the bacterial outbreak in the office? They said it was a staff infection.,1,en
"A Japanese man meets a midwestern man The Japanese man says, ""Good morning! Where are you from? "" The midwestern man replies, ""Ohio, Ohio""",1,en
"What school can never reject you? Art school, unless they want another world war.",1,en
What do you call a witness to an event in the Middle East? A Dubaistander. Yeah I thought of it myself.,1,en
There's a new Fortnite map! It's called Parkland High School!,0,en
"Kate Upton's chest beefers ain't just a carnal thing. It's about beauty. Same as starin' at the American flag, wavin' at dusk.",0,en
"What did the composer say on a date? ""I'm a Classic Romantic....I'm also Baroque.""",1,en
"Did you see the frog perform in the opera last night? Why yes, she was absolutely ribbeting.",1,en
Life on mars found. To be unlikely,1,en
"Black eye Tom: ""Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye? Sam: ""My wife"" Tom: ""I thought she was out of town for the weekend."" Sam: ""So did I.""",1,en
"Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I immediately throw half of them away. I don't want unlucky people working in my department",1,en
what do you call usain bolt when he's running from a lion? fast food,1,en
"i'm dressing for the weather i desperately want, not the weather i currently have .",0,en
Maybe I misheard him. But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat,0,en
"College didnt do any good for me, brought about no change in life. I came out of it as I went in......A Virgin",0,en
i just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes. it was probably over a stolen tweet,0,en
"My career has many perks. For example, my company just sent me abroad. I wasn't comfortable with it though, so I sent her back.",1,en
"My friend has anhidrosis. He had to cancel our plans today because of the heat. I said to him, ""don't sweat it.""",0,en
"What did the doctor say about the organ donor which died from a clotted artery? ""at least his death wasn't in vein""",1,en
what did joan rivers say to god when she arrived? get a new robe !,0,en
"What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest? Father Les. And yes, as a matter of fact, I am a dad.",1,en
in which state does the mississippi river flow? liquid .,1,en
how can you tell your boyfriend has gained weight? you fit into his clothes .,1,en
"Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, Cabbage, Potatoes, Cheese, Beetroot, Onions, Bread, Butter. Schindler's mom's list",0,en
The coronavirus decimates the pun population: A pun in ten dead.,1,en
q : what's the richest kind of air? a : a millionaire .,0,en
What's the difference between my sister and a Bakugan? A Bakugan opens up when I throw it at the refrigerator.,1,en
elevators. they work on so many levels,1,en
A medical doctor was asked how we should handle the world's growing energy needs. He said to reduce consumption.,1,en
"My friend had one of those novelty leg lamps from the Christmas Story movie, but he lost it recently. Now he's a lamputee",0,en
i just stole a guys wallet and he chased me for almost three miles. i gave him a good run for his money,1,en
I had a friend who was right handed but left footed. But he's all right now,0,en
"My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab. Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.",0,en
I wrote a haiku Never touch young boys Where does the bible say to Said father YODA,1,en
My flashlight died. I'm delighted.,0,en
What's common between my girl and mistakes I make? They're minor.,1,en
What's the difference between the Olympic long distance race and the Paralympic long distance race? A lap,0,en
Have you heard? Kobe Ed Because he would never pass,0,en
"So then, the rhino looked at the elephant and said ""What about the weasel? "" That's the punchline. Comment with the lead up and may the best one win.",1,en
I have separation anxiety so I date a boomerang. It always comes back to me,1,en
"in my dog's mind he's saving the world, one tree at a time .",0,en
what do people do in greece? slip and slide around .,1,en
how do you know if someone truly loves fast food? it has a special place in their hearts,1,en
"when someone's all, "" words cannot begin to describe threedots "" i'm all yes they can you have a limited vocabulary .",1,en
Dad jokes meet dog jokes Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.,1,en
"Does anyone know what happened to Operation Baby? Last i heard, they had to abort.",0,en
What's the hottest hotel in Vegas? The Cosmopolitan,1,en
What's the best way to capitalize on an opportunity? ON AN OPPORTUNITY,1,en
what emotion does a tree feel every spring? relief,1,en
What's the difference between Jesus and my dad? Jesus promised to come back one day...,0,en
What's the the favorite game of the children from Pompeii The floor is lava,0,en
Can u believe im in the hospital for minor injuries? Minors can be rough despite what people thinks,0,en
What do you call it when someone leaves at the first sign of a hurricane? A premature evacuation.,1,en
What do you call a hypnotist that works with wealthy children during the summer? an heir conditioner.,1,en
what do you call a cold puppy? a chili dog .,1,en
I can see quite a number of these Pi jokes coming from a mile away. Although I can't seem to catch their ending no matter how I try.,1,en
Never let your friends feel lonely! disturb them at all times,0,en
So is the Pope like. single now,0,en
Do you know where I can buy tickets to the Gun Show? at the Armitorium.,0,en
"Russian Chukcha Joke Chukcha approaches his friend whose sitting on an empty mile long bench. Move over, says Chukcha",1,en
What do you call a horse who goes freerunning? Sarah Jessica Parkour,0,en
"Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!",0,en
Why did the hot dog not act in the movie? None of the rolls were good enough.,1,en
Why don't vegans eat chicken? Because it contains egg...,1,en
"at first i thought drag racing games would be difficult threedots turns out, they're pretty straight forward .",1,en
"Did you know? Statistically, six out of seven Dwarves aren't happy.",1,en
"everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that's big enough .",0,en
When do chickens stop laying eggs? Henopause,1,en
What are the best kinds of speedbumps? Orphan shaped ones.,1,en
Have you heard of the Austrian man Duerf? He was the world's leading reverse psychologist,1,en
What happened to Voldemort's face? Nobody nose.,0,en
where do easter bunnies dance? at the basketball .,1,en
Some people are like parallel lines Identical personalities but will never meet ,1,en
An apple didn't fall on Isaac Newton's head. He missed the gravity of the situation,1,en
What do you call a dragqueen in a truck? A Transporter,1,en
"Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn't love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I'd be impressed.",0,en
Self depreciation is the best type of depreciation Because you don't lose anything of value. ,1,en
What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread? It's stalemate,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.,1,en
What do you get when you combine a plane accident with a car wreck? A closed casket funeral.,1,en
"They should just rename double stuffed Oreos to regular Oreos. And rename regular Oreos to ""Do it Yourself Double Oreo Kits""",1,en
Your calculator will be there for you tomorrow. You can count on it,0,en
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.,0,en
for those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: the g spot is located at the end of the word shopping .,1,en
"'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.",0,en
"remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own . you have to want it . you need to make it happen .",0,en
Mommy mommy get me a spoon! Daddy threw up and Kenny's getting all the big pieces!,0,en
So what had happened was... no one told me I was supposed to stuff the turkey with bread,0,en
Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN,0,en
What's that one place in Thailand called? Ahh Phuket. Nevermind.,0,en
how many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg? four . because calling the trunk a leg doesn't make it a leg .,1,en
My friend's mom stopped by our house last night Anyway I lost No Nut November,0,en
"you can't leave the aquarium with a penguin . it's a stuffed animal i got in the gift shop . ma'am, it's moving . i got it in the gift shop !",0,en
What does a leg amputee and a pogo stick have in common? You gotta jump to move somewhere.,0,en
I'd like to open a Greek sandwich shop in Lower Manhattan. I'll call it Ground Gyro,1,en
"How do you know your computer has been used by your 'Nam veteran uncle? You wouldn't know, you weren't there.",0,en
Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention? Cause William Shatner Coffee. hahahha,0,en
"""What happened? "" The bullets asked their sad bullet friend... ""I got fired."" He replied.",1,en
Why was the desperate teen spinning in circles around the hot chick? Because he really wanted that beyblade.,0,en
"Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.",1,en
"what has six eyes but cannot see? three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink , laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath",1,en
i just put too much cream in my coffee. this is the worst good friday ever,0,en
What do you call an old John Cena? John Cenile,0,en
"three things in the universe are constant. the speed of light , gravity , and laundry",1,en
Why did the hummer cross the river? For the insurance money.,1,en
What joke has recieved the most upvotes on Reddit? Redditors.,0,en
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation. That came out of nowhere,1,en
What was it called when the dragon from The Hobbit was thrown out a window? The Defenestration of Smaug.,1,en
Why doesn't Chris Hemsworth like to eat Fruity Pebbles on set? his lips were Thor,0,en
"Two balloons are floating across the desert One balloon says to the other, Look out for the cactussssssssssssssssssss!",0,en
"What is Biz Markies favorite farm animal? Ewe, ewe got what I neeeeeed.",0,en
why was christopher never in the same place? because he's always walken,0,en
"Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just. not Yeti",0,en
Why is Arjen Robben not being invited to Alfredo Di Stefanos funeral? They're scared he'll try to dive in the box.,0,en
itunes has got it all wrong. the hottest single of the year is me,1,en
You have something big inside you. Share it with the world: MetamucilTM,0,en
"A man walks into... A chemical store and asks the man there for some noble gas. The man replies ""sorry, we don't have Ne""",1,en
What is it called when you get a girl pregnant and leave? Cum and go.,0,en
Sometimes when I go to a buffet. I tip myself,1,en
q : did you hear about the girl who skipped rope while she read? a : she jumped to conclusions .,0,en
What do Will and Jaden Smith like about today? It's After Earth Day.,0,en
"I'm so confused when the TV voice before a show I'm about to watch says, ""For mature audiences only. "" Can I watch or not?",1,en
Had to check IMDB to make sure there really aren't any more Shrek films in development. Now I can sleep,0,en
What do you call a man in a wheelchair in the army? Special forces,1,en
"The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.",1,en
"A mitochondrian walks into a bar and asks for a cup of energy. The barman says ""that'll be ATP""",1,en
"how does a syrian family have a meal? the men provide the food and the women do the cooking , leaving the children to wash up afterwards .",1,en
"name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too .",0,en
"I'm not religious but I'm spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don't feel bad about shoplifting",1,en
"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? ""You're too young to smoke."" ",1,en
"roses are red, violets are blue i have alzheimer's to get to the other side",0,en
"anyone hear the one threedots anyone hear the one about the messy bed? yeah , i made it up .",0,en
tips for guys on valentine's day : tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. she'll automatically list things she want,1,en
"what's your favorite part of Sundays, mine is staying up really late for no reason whatsoever so that I'm extra miserable all week",1,en
"Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift",1,en
People with tourette syndrome Are just lagging in the real world,1,en
My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised,1,en
you're following a man who once stole someone's garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. that's on you,0,en
TIL the first commodity traded across the USA was jaweia. Lewis and Clark brought a sack of it with them on their expedition to the Pacific coast,1,en
I'm confused Wait. maybe I'm not,0,en
"strip search? threedots ok , but i'm going to need some background music .",0,en
"it's cool that my girlfriend is willing to bear my child, but it would be way cooler if she gave birth to a bear .",0,en
"Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, ""IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE"" he fumes",1,en
I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings. You could say I have a complex complex complex,0,en
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Five.,0,en
What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven C's,0,en
totally going to buy a tiny pet crow for myself. gonna call it micro,0,en
"to keep things interesting in the bedroom, try bringing in a second laptop",0,en
How do you know when a vegetable is ripe? When it puts in it's hearing aids,1,en
"On phone: GF: We're breaking up... Me: I can hear you fine! GF: It's not you, it's me... Me: Did you get a new provider? GF: Kinda... Bye!",0,en
i've lost loads of weight this month! this whole ' not having any money for food ' thing is really working out well .,0,en
What is a mouse's favourite game? Hide and squeak !,0,en
Why did the parachutist die during the eclipse ? The cops were shooting to the Sun.,1,en
"riding horses is fun and all, but threedots threedots let's be on a steer .",0,en
"dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever . "" u ok in there? sounds like a michael bay film in that bathroom ! """,0,en
What did the frog's girlfriend need when she was on her period? A lily pad.,0,en
"I once played ""I got your nose"" with a kid in a hospital The kid had no nose and was going for treatment after",1,en
"Today, my girlfriend said she's dumping me for some geometric drawings Figures.",1,en
What's a bodybuilder's favorite fight of the American Civil War? The Battle of Gaine's Mill,0,en
"I lost fifty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time",1,en
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.,1,en
Priests touch so many people Literally and figuratively ,1,en
"What's in common between a leg and dark humor? Some people have it, some don't.",1,en
put a load into the dryer and had to twist every dial to correct setting. i won't lie to you : it made me feel like a space captain,0,en
"a small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. his mother phoned to ask how he was and the nurse said , ' there's no change yet '",0,en
SPOILER ALERT: Unrefrigerated milk goes bad quickly.,0,en
Why did the horse miss the joust? He had the knight off!,0,en
A heavy woman walks into a lingerie shop. She was bra'd,0,en
If you die in the shower when you're shampooing do the police have to finish rinsing when they find you or is that the ME's job. Is it a job,1,en
"What is long, hard and makes young blonde girls cry? Final exams.",1,en
What did Lewis and Clark only have one sack of on their expedition? Jawea,0,en
First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.,1,en
"My wife has a book on homeopathy I've only read the blurb on the back, but I think I know everything I need to know about it.",1,en
Why did the Moon break up with Earth? The Moon said they were slowly drifting apart.,1,en
"I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday. She replied, ""Toes Go In First"". ",1,en
Why was Fernando Alonso upside down? Because he Haas been hit!,0,en
my dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the net . what an intelligent animal! not really it took the cat three weeks to teach him .,0,en
"Little Johnny  Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first! ",0,en
"Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn't she?",0,en
what's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? with a drum machine you only have to punch the instructions in once,1,en
Why didn't the Alabama father let his wife use diapers on their baby daughter Because they would keep his girlfriend dry,0,en
what do you call a burning rocket? korean barbecue .,1,en
think about something positive ! what's the first thing that comes to your mind? my hiv test .,0,en
"What did the ill kitty say to the playful puppy? ""Not right meow, I have a headache.""",0,en
what do prisoners use to call each other? cell phones .,1,en
Words are so powerful; but I never have time to write on my fists before a fight.,1,en
"My friends all say I tell bad jokes, but they're wrong. I tell jokes ""badly""",1,en
i've been lying on the floor of this cheesecake factory for half an hour. everyone keeps stepping over me,1,en
I used to have a voice like Justin Bieber. then I turned four,0,en
What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!,0,en
My problems are like my harem of girls They're minor in all scheme of things.,1,en
""" man i hate tacos! "" said no juan ever .",0,en
Why did the bee started talking poetry? He was waxing lyrical !,1,en
How do you get an emo off your balcony? Encourage him.,0,en
Ever since my toaster has been broken I have been feeling unwell. I guess I must be lack toast intolerant,1,en
"If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers",0,en
"woman on death row Warden: ""What would you like for your last meal?"" Woman: ""I don't know, what do you want?""",1,en
where do ghosts go for their holidays? the dead sea .,1,en
"I asked my wife if she'd be mad about something I didn't do, and she said ""Of course not."" So I said ""Oh good. I didn't do the laundry.""",1,en
Reminder to my massage therapists: the less you giggle the more I tip.,1,en
"I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors. business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves",1,en
"I don't see the problem with suicide. For me at least, it seems like a self solving issue",1,en
I could tell you a joke about Bill Murray in Japan; it would be lost in translation.,0,en
I'm walking a mile in someone elses shoes today. Not to be tolerant; but because I can't find mine and my son wears the same size,0,en
"have you heard the one about the ceiling fan? oh , it's over your head .",0,en
What is a double amputee's favorite video game? League of Leg ends.,0,en
Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write 'would of' instead of 'would have' as human shields.,1,en
Why was Sir Lancelot too tired to jump over the moat? He didn't get a good knight's leap. Wakka wakka!,0,en
why did the psychic get fired? because she didn't see it coming .,1,en
If an african kid throws up at night when he has eaten the day before how much cleaning is there to do? Not much. I doubt all the sand came up,1,en
"never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media. armed with this information , they could show up at your birthday party",0,en
What kind of bee can't be understood? A mumble bee !,0,en
"dwarf shortage i know, it's a short joke",1,en
"What did the wall outlet say to the appliance? ""You're grounded.""",1,en
what kind of dish does lebron like? anything with curry in it .,1,en
I like going to gender reveal parties in the west There always lit,1,en
"A Linux Joke In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string? Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.",0,en
"If Charmin had any idea where I was sticking their toilet paper, I doubt they'd spend so much time on the pretty little designs.",1,en
"I miss dating The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window...",0,en
sign at funeral home: all sales final,1,en
why is halloween considered the scariest time of the year? most weddings happen in june .,1,en
"Whenever you're feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.",1,en
"lpt: when googling "" grandfather clock "" don't forget the l .",0,en
I may have to divorce my wife. My son broke both his arms today,0,en
mortgage dream the dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. the dream of today's young families is to get one,1,en
how to even in three and half easy steps. i literally can't even,1,en
"Next time someone says ""Thanks!"" reply: ""You're welx!"". It's a cool new abbreviation I made up you can use. Make sure to attribute it to me.",0,en
How does the Terminator lose weight? By counting Kylereese.,1,en
Ever wondered why written jokes about mailmen are generally unfunny? They are all about delivery.,1,en
How much do cosmetics sell for? Face value.,1,en
"As a member of Destiny's Child, Kelly Rowlands was one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world.. ..'s friend. From Frankie Boyle.",1,en
teacher : did your parents help you with these homework problems? pupil : no i got them all wrong by myself !,0,en
"After the contractor dug the hole, Bob got angry and filled it with water. To get the whole story, you must realize he meant well.",0,en
mother : why did you just swallow the money i gave you? son : well you did say it was my lunch money !,0,en
"As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life",0,en
"What's the best part about living in Flint, Michigan? Leaded gasoline is pretty cheep!",0,en
When going to a furry convention. Everyone is game,1,en
What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant.,1,en
"Doctor: ""Why is my waiting room empty? "" Judge: ""I hauled everyone off to court"" Doctor: ""You're trying my patients""",1,en
what's the difference between a baby shower and a bukkake? nothing .,0,en
What are the similarity between Salmonella food poisoning and gonorrhoea? Both can smell like fish,1,en
did you hear about the pirate captain selling cheap corn? it was a buccaneer .,0,en
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative,1,en
Why do dogs run in circles? Because its hard to run in squares !,0,en
"I went to a Pantheist forest yesterday. I tried to read the map, but all it said was, ""You are HERE""",1,en
big ben walks up to the club like threedots threedots what up? i got a big clock .,0,en
"Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.",0,en
what does prison have in common with biology? cell culture .,1,en
"The second I feel pressured to do something, I'm out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it's bath time.",0,en
Why is a UTI such a bad thing? Because it means urine trouble,1,en
why did the butcher get fired? for bringing home the bacon .,1,en
What kind of soap does a dolphin use? All porpoise cleaner!!!!,1,en
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris,1,en
watch out for the black ice outside of the bank. it'll rob you of your balance,0,en
What's the difference between Casper the ghost and Princess Diana? Casper could actually go through the wall!,0,en
"Did you know the inventor of the vibrator heard voices saying... ""If you build it, they will come.""",1,en
I was too late for the ribeye special at the supermarket. Such a big missed steak,0,en
You ever heard the joke about the sandwich? .... ...I heard it was full of bologna,1,en
Why did the Arab wife not tell her husband about her affair? she didn't want to lose face.,1,en
today i popped a g string while fingering a minor. i'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow,1,en
What do people wear when they go to a new planet? Terraformal wear.,1,en
What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone? a Snapping Turtle,1,en
"Why do people with OCD make bad lovers? Because once they turn their partner on they have to turn them off again, then repeat that three times.",1,en
Do you know the antonyms of the following words? Always Coming From Take Me Down,1,en
"you know how it goes, i say tomato you say what are you doing in my house ?",0,en
So I was playing an FPS with my friends at school. Turns out you're supposed to use a computer.,0,en
I've been in chemistry lectures all day. I'm absolutely Bohred to death,1,en
One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet. She died a week later,1,en
"I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning's office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.",0,en
why did king kong threedots climb the empire state building? threedots he couldn't fit in the elevator .,0,en
Why did Micheal Jackson want to be a camp counselor? He would give Merit Badges for pitching a tent.,1,en
"""What should we name them?"" Grapes ""And what about these?"" Grapefruits ""I see. So one is a larger version of another?"" Not at all ""Perfect""",1,en
What do women and Tony Stark have in common? They are both Fe Males.,1,en
How do frogs die? They kermit suidide !,0,en
Some people don't like vegetable puns. but I don't carrot all about their opinions,1,en
"I was given a job opportunity of being a college teacher I rejected the offer, I feel like I fit right in the kids in my nursery",1,en
How does an optometrist make love? Better like this ... or better like this,0,en
i'm sad because i don't have an xbox. someone console me,0,en
"Why is Christopher Walken so tired? Because at night, he's always sleepwalken",0,en
"My friend lives on a court with a sign, ""No outlet. "" I wonder where he plugs in his TV?",1,en
Why was the horse all charged up? It ate some haywire!,0,en
""" i'm not a violent person but people can change "", i whisper as someone takes a bite of my food .",1,en
"Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is... ...Mrs Fire.",1,en
why should one not talk about titanic with a stranger? because it can't break the ice,1,en
"turns out hr doesn't care if it's national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work .",1,en
"I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.",1,en
My girlfriend and I met at our office outside the bathroom. Now we tell others we met on PeeHarmony,1,en
What do you call an unappreciative water heater? Tankless.,1,en
i was so hungry when i had breakfast today. it was the first time i had ate all year !,0,en
What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette.,1,en
"I also do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.",1,en
what's father christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents? santa pause !,0,en
Why is is that you only see bigfoot in America Because you see bigmeters everywhere else,1,en
What body of water separates Italy from the word 'goodbye'? River Derci. Sorry.,1,en
You know why I love space Murph? you keep gettin older. I stay the same age.,0,en
Why couldn't the cow leave the farm? She was pasteurized!,0,en
So I want to write a letter to a deer. I just don't know how to start it off,1,en
"The picture heading read ""Panorama! "" I thought it said ""Paranormal"" I wasted hours staring at these elongated images looking for ghosts.",1,en
fun fact: the average canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep .,1,en
What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime,0,en
What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar? An ice Kareem clone,1,en
What kind of ant can you colour with? A crayant !,0,en
What do you call a guy who likes Adobe and little boys? a PDFile,0,en
My math paper had a question involving finding the expectation of a die roll. It took me a moment to figure out what it means,1,en
What did the bird army say when running away? Retweet,0,en
What's the difference between a kid and a Hot Pocket? I get mad when my Hot Pockets get burnt in the microwave,1,en
What do math teachers grow? Geometrees and trigonometrees,1,en
"X says to Y: ""i feel so close to you, i feel like zero divides us""",0,en
"All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.",0,en
What did the grilled Seabass say at the Nuremberg trials? I was only following hors d'oeuvres.,1,en
Why did the stoneworker get fired? Because he took his job for granite I'll show myself out.,1,en
"Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions? Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot",0,en
the inventor of autocorrect has died threedots the inventor of autocorrect has died. i didn't even know he was i'll,0,en
What does a MILF and used car have in common? They both got mileage but I don't mind taking em for a ride.,1,en
"a man walks into hospital "" what's with jane? "" "" it doesn't look good "" "" yeah , i know , i'm asking about her health """,1,en
what's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? it's rear end !,0,en
is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? asking for a friend .,0,en
Why was Jack scared? Because Jack was bean stalked,0,en
"What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died? Well, that's the edamame.",1,en
What happened to the man who turned into an insect? He just beetled off !,0,en
i have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression. makes sense because he never looks forward to anything,1,en
"baby , it's cold outside. i checked my weather app",0,en
"I've been diagnosed with paranoia today. If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.",1,en
What kind of church music do they sing in Finland? FINNISH HYMN!,1,en
I got my first kiss from a girl today. It was milk chocolate,0,en
"In light of her struggles, I decided to play a Demi Lovato record... ...but the needle got stuck.",0,en
What do you get with breaking news? Newscasts,1,en
"the restaurant scene from when harry met sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security .",1,en
I was going to get a Anne Frank tattoo... Then I realized I couldn't hide it forever,0,en
i made this joke up when i was eight . i'm very proud of it . what's in the wardrobe? narnia business .,1,en
"Hey symphonies, play the main part we like more.",0,en
"Promoting a film with ""From the producers of. "" is like advertising a sandwich with the words ""From the supermarket that also sells jam""",1,en
"if you plug in a usb cord correctly on the first try, you shouldn't have to pay taxes for a year .",1,en
what do you call a row of boxers stood side by side? a punchline .,1,en
"My roofing business is having a great promotion right now. If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house",1,en
Unvaccinated kids are Sonic's hardcore fans cuz they gotta go fast,1,en
"Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally. So I was like na, more like pirate and booty",1,en
what do you do if king kong sits in front of you at the cinema? miss most of the film !,0,en
"While I'm not much of a cook, I know enough to cut sandwiches in triangles to make them taste better.",1,en
"people are always talking about how popular steve jobs was threedots but i don't think he'll ever be as popular as his brother, hand .",1,en
Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's. Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school,1,en
how do blind people know where to find braille signs on walls and doors? they just have a feel for that kind of thing .,1,en
I was told I can buy anything from the black market But they were only selling cotton,1,en
""" hey adam , can you get me some water? "" "" sure i can , while i'm up and at ' em ! """,0,en
What do you call a dead youtube channel? Deadika,0,en
Wanted a punching bag but couldn't afford it So I got married instead,1,en
What is a paraplegics favorite sport? Drag racing.,1,en
Why are farmers so wealthy? Because their stalks are always growing.,1,en
"If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.",1,en
"One man to another: ""Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"" The other says: ""I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!""",1,en
what animal is faster than a cheetah? a cow dropped out of a helicopter .,0,en
"Sorry for the absence, my tweeties. My hubs and kids cooked their own dinner, and I've been unfreezing hell with a blowtorch ever since",1,en
i'm at an age where i don't spring into action. i dead of winter into action,0,en
Why doesn't Fleetwood Mac shave? Because Stevie Nicks.,1,en
My wife left me due to my obsession for classical music. I hope she takes me Bach,1,en
Why did the coronavirus cross the road? It liked walking old people to the other side.,1,en
i don't get why everyone talks so fast in old movies . what was the hurry? there was nothing to do back then .,1,en
What's the best part about banging Jessica Alba? You'll know if she was faking it.,0,en
My wallet just went through the wash. I guess you could say I've been laundering money,1,en
The hardest part about online dating. Finding someone who clicks with you,0,en
"how much for that babysitter? ma'am , that's a roll of duct tape i'll take it !",0,en
"i don't know who put chairs in the elevator, but that's a kind of laziness that i can respect .",1,en
"Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.",1,en
What do you get when you cross a lamb with a beehive? Mutton Honey,1,en
Cheesy pun I once had a dream about cheese. It was all gouda until a muenster appeared and started chasing me,1,en
"America's obesity epidemic is pretty shocking, until you remember that we're the country that invented flavored floss.",1,en
Too many people are obsessing over Frozen. They need to let it go,0,en
what did bacon say to tomato? lettuce get together !,0,en
Why are all cars in Germany diesel? Because they use the gas for another purpose.,1,en
Every time when random kid choking while yawning... Invisible man having fun,0,en
""" lights on , or lights off? "" he asked me . i said , "" just give me the prostate exam , please . """,1,en
My friend is getting on in years but still wants to stay hip with new technology. I call him Instagrampa,0,en
who said that girls don't have a good sense of direction? they sure know their way down .,1,en
which city u cannot enter? electricity !,0,en
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory? The thief made a clean getaway,1,en
Some people say that you should let sleeping dogs lie. But I believe that all animals should tell the truth,1,en
"I never understood why dogs were mans best friend, But then I found peanut butter",0,en
teacher : why can't you ever answer any of my questions? pupil : well if i could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !,0,en
if love is like chemistry. i am a noble gas,1,en
"lincoln and twilight opening the same weekend? once again , abe gets killed in a theater , and he's already fought vampires once this year .",0,en
What does a worm do in a cornfield? It goes in one ear and out the other,1,en
"Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.",1,en
"if your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item .",0,en
"don't kid yourself, the pace at which the cursor blinks before a blank space in a document is the actual heartbeat of God",1,en
"I said to my Doctor, ""I've become a can of deodorant."" He said, ""Are you sure? "" I replied, ""No, I'm Lynx.""",1,en
"In the updated version of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis figures out he's dead when he sees his name trending on Twitter.",1,en
how fast can a bear run? as fast as it can bear .,0,en
Starvation is a big problem in Africa All the lions are running out of kids to eat,1,en
my friend asked me if i wanted to walk down a hill with him. i declined,1,en
Don't win the fight against cancer Win the fight with cancer,0,en
"houston , we have a problem houston: new phone who dis",0,en
"last night my wife said to me , "" what would you do without me? "" apparently , "" your sister "" was the wrong answer .",1,en
where does the pirate put his ear ring? in his buccaneer .,1,en
"What were the last words of the explorer who discovered the Boa Constrictor? ""Can't...breathe...""",1,en
I volunteer a lot at a children's hospice. It never gets old,0,en
"The hairdresser's oath First, harm no 'do...",0,en
how do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes? you've had whey too much !,0,en
The even numbers said. The odds are against us,1,en
What do you call the richest person in the soup industry? A boullionaire,1,en
What does a cyborg order at a diner? A Cyborger,1,en
"A Mexican Magician... ...told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three. He began counting ""Uno, dos..."" And he disappeared without a tres.",1,en
"I heard Nintendo once planned to change Donkey Kong's name for their audience in Germany There, he was originally gonna be called ""Danke Kong""",0,en
"An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme Fortunately, it was foiled.",1,en
"well , here i am! what are your other two wishes ?",0,en
What is the pizza that orphans can not eat? Pizza family,0,en
"If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag",1,en
"wow , i thought "" flash mob "" meant something completely different. can someone come bail me out ?",1,en
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.,1,en
Mods and lockers: Proof vaccines don't stop all diseases.,1,en
"The makers of Dr Pepper are changing their recipe, using less expensive ingredients. The new soda will be called, Nurse Practicioner Pepper",1,en
I went to an African McDonalds. I got McAids...,1,en
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? shore .,0,en
What kind of bug can survive all winter? A bahumbug!,0,en
What's a Londoner's favorite seafood? King's Crustacean.,1,en
What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common? Finnish Hymn!,1,en
it's always a good idea to make friends with babies. that's free cake once a year for a lifetime,0,en
"If you're looking for clues as to why Bill Gates's marriage failed,  the words micro and soft should tell you enough",1,en
What do you call Robin Hood's mother? Mother Hood.,1,en
"if you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer .",0,en
What do you call it when you get rejected by the autistic girl? Chromozoned,1,en
what blood type do happy people have? b positive .,0,en
Did you hear about the new snowboarding trick in memory of Kobe Bryant? You spin in midair and then smash into the hill,1,en
"New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.",1,en
"kanye west says he's the michael jordan of music. if he's talking about the time when michael jordan was playing baseball , i totally agree",1,en
always remember what my late grandad said to me. ' sorry i'm late ',0,en
what's the difference between tim cook and a dead body? tim cook gets to come out of the closet .,0,en
"Dad: Let's talk, we never talk. Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something... Dad: You can tell me anything. Me: I'm Batman. Dad: Get out.",0,en
Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large just that the viola player's heads are so small.,0,en
"spent today capturing hipsters, tagging them, and releasing them back into Silverlake. Study: Do skinny jeans restrict grazing patterns?",1,en
"Three friends partner to setup a law firm. They are Ivanna Firm, Harry Butt and Richard Ox",1,en
"What is the world's most religious fish? The manta pray, at least until the morpray eel hears about this.",1,en
Say what you like about burns victims... But they always stick together. ,1,en
"Furries are like Bane, No one cared who they were until they put on the mask.",1,en
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking? Time cannoli tell,1,en
"how do men in new zealand address their women? "" hey ! ewe ! """,1,en
she : we are having my mother for dinner tonight? me : but darling i'm a vegetarian . . how can i eat her,0,en
What did the priest say to the young person? Age is only a number.,1,en
"In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell? Medicine ... runs off ...",1,en
"""I didn't choose the thug life. "" I explain, entering an institution of higher learning",1,en
Did you guys see Kobe in that last game? He was on fire!,0,en
"Welcome to the Psych Med Club! We were working on a secret handshake, until we lost interest in the things we once loved.",0,en
"why is hannibal so rich? well , he save on groceries .",0,en
why doesn't god like bacon? because he isn't real .,0,en
why can't a dog clap in the middle of a movie? because it keeps hitting pause .,0,en
"two mice chewing on a film roll one of them goes, "" i think the book was better """,1,en
"i'm spending valentines day doing math homework. i'm stuck here with an ex , and i'm still trying to figure out why",1,en
Do you remember you first crush in kindergarten? I do. I was sixteen...,0,en
R.I.P George floyd The zoo will miss you,0,en
What's the difference between Batman and Martin Brodeur? Batman isn't wearing hockey pads.,1,en
how do you get a woman to stop texting you? reply to her message within a minute,0,en
"what did the string say when the rope proposed marriage? "" let's knot . """,1,en
"if i had a daughter i wouldn't waste money on training bras, i'd trap wild bras and train them myself like our ancestors did .",1,en
"guy tells a psychiatrist he has a fear of commitment . psychiatrist says, "" there's no need to worry . i only do that in extreme cases . """,1,en
"Did you guys hear about the sequel of ""To Kill a Mockingbird""? It's called... ""The Murder of Crows""",1,en
we squint at the sun because it's bright. we squint at people because they're not,1,en
"Fact if it's mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that's not enough babies!",0,en
"My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?",1,en
why do i always say yes to everything? i just don't no .,0,en
What could you create with Starbucks caramel mocha chip frappuccino? The Audi logo and The Olympics logo.,0,en
I called a teacher daddy once... It was alright because he told me to call him that ,0,en
how does the ocean say hello? It waves,1,en
"if you're happy and you know it, thank your ex .",0,en
What is a cat's favorite breakfast? Mice crispies.,0,en
I have this new itch called... Urb itch,0,en
i am going to lead a long life. that's the only way i will ever get caught up on all my homework,1,en
"Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.",1,en
"So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.",1,en
I just put up a white board in my house. wanted to make the place a bit more classy,1,en
"the good news is the doctor says i'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me threedots",0,en
I have a joke about capitalism. I'll tell it to the highest bidder,1,en
Did you hear about the physicist who moonlighted as a romance novelist? He wrote complete works of friction.,1,en
my girlfriend has parkinson's disease. and the hand jobs are amazing !,0,en
did you hear that bruce willis is going to star in a movie where he goes undercover as an elderly nun? it's called old habits die hard,1,en
What rises when you sit on it? A camel.,1,en
My dad left me To get toilet paper,1,en
A pirate made a spoof about his bird. It was Parroty,1,en
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want one,0,en
q : what kind of dog can jump higher than a building? a : any dog . a building can't jump .,0,en
Ehhhhh! I lost all my money in a Fonzie scheme.,0,en
"One night, there was a rustle in the bushes. His mom shouted, ""Russel, get out of the bushes!""",0,en
What do you call a ginger kid who's good at martial arts? The Carroty Kid.,1,en
I forgot to put the reference in italics on my essay. so i got markdown,0,en
What did the Joker say to the dwarf planet? Why so Ceres,0,en
"I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish today... The worker asked if I'd like an aquarium, but I told him ""I don't care what starsign it is.""",1,en
who is it that everybody listens to but nobody believes? the weatherman .,0,en
"What do the Greeks sing while at sea? your boat, gently down the stream...",1,en
i think i met a medieval water snake but i can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream. it was totally sir eel,0,en
where is the most ironic place to get a girl pregnant? abortion clinic .,1,en
Going down on a woman is the best. The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time,1,en
"the real meaning of halloween gets lost in all the marketing. most people don't even know jesus fought a dragon , let alone why",1,en
you haven't texted me since you went to bed. are we ok ?,0,en
what time of day was adam born? just a little before eve,0,en
I caught a disease on my trip to Sparta. The doctor says I have Leonitis,1,en
What does a cowboy say when his sister falls down? Hoe down!,1,en
What does my iPhone drink to refuel? Apple juice,0,en
A wildebeast walks into a speed dating meetup. he meets some good gnus and some bad gnus,1,en
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers.,1,en
How do you compliment a pickle rapper's verse? That was dill!,1,en
What do you call a Woolworths that has been burned down? Coles,1,en
"My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.",1,en
"Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey! ..face it you didn't read that, you sang it.",0,en
Q: What do you call a man who inherits a dairy? A: A Dairy Heir.,0,en
beauty is only a light switch away. that is all,0,en
"friend : hey guess what ? me : what ? friend : no , guess! me : i don't need this friendship that bad .",0,en
"a lady asked me if i had any gum this morning i replied "" sorry, i don't have any extra """,1,en
"Bumper sticker: We got rid of the kids, the cat was allergic...",0,en
Good News: The Giant Panda is no longer considered 'Endangered'. Bad News: It's now considered 'Extinct',1,en
You know what they say about wizards with big hands? The have big staffs,1,en
time is the coin of life. only you can determine how it will be spent,0,en
what is the biggest joke? reddit .,0,en
"While Abortion and Adoption are very different things, You can't deny that they are both great way of getting rid of children.",1,en
"hey terminator , who are you dressing up as for the musical fancy dress? i'll be bach",0,en
My girlfriend said she liked surprises. But you should have seen her face when I told her I have chlamydia,0,en
They say it's rude to ask a women's age. So what's your weight,1,en
"What's the difference between a spacecraft and an asteroid? A spacecraft is really light, an asteroid is a little meteor.",1,en
i want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. then walk into a pole,0,en
What do you call a Canadian singer eating French mustard on the roof? Ceiling Dijon.,1,en
"what can walk over the water , but can travel under the water without getting wet? jesus in a submarine .",0,en
People say Kurt Cobain's music will blow your mind It certainly did with his,1,en
"How does Times Square start the new year? By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! ""The audience can sing this one.""",1,en
Chris Brown only listens to his music. on his Beats by Dre,1,en
"What does the ""LL"" in LL Cool J stand for? Lickin Lips",1,en
nice fitbit bro. i didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle,0,en
Did you hear about the clever nun who got tricked? She was nun the wiser,0,en
"I taught my son how to ride his bike earlier, but it didn't go as I'd hoped. He made it across the highway safely.",1,en
Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters,1,en
i bought a new japanese car. i turned on the radio threedots i don't understand a word they're saying,0,en
I got into a fight with an artist last night. We drew,0,en
"She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I'm frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don't know karate",1,en
why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight? because he was using a banana for scale,1,en
My parents used to give me pocket money. So I could buy better pockets.,0,en
What's grey carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill? A get wellephant !,0,en
Why were all the other vegetables afraid of celery? because celery stalks,1,en
"when in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing .",1,en
What did Melinda say to Bill Gates on their wedding night? Now I know why you call it Microsoft.,1,en
she invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me i was the dessert. i wanted ice cream,1,en
Do i really need a hypnotist? I'm open to suggestion.,1,en
him : would you like to have lunch sometime? me : i like to have lunch every afternoon .,0,en
My girlfriend and I are fighting over my recent hair loss. I really hope it's just a rough patch,1,en
The D Day remembrance reminds me of when my grandfather died at Auschwitz. He fell out of the machine gun tower.,0,en
So someone decided to offer a million pounds to the first Irishman who could learn to swim. A Scotsman ended up winning,1,en
"Wow, I just passed my probability exam. What were the chances of that?",1,en
What do mice do when they're at home? Mousework !,0,en
My wife said she'd be happy with any bday gift as long as I get her something with lots of diamonds. She'll love this pack of playing cards!,0,en
"every time i find the meaning of life, they change it .",0,en
Who's the opposite of Willem Dafoe? Willem DaFriend.,0,en
Only in SF: people checking into the riot on Foursquare.,1,en
What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie,1,en
"Some folks say if you go into a Halloween store late at night, you can see the ghosts of the Blockbuster employees who used to work there.",1,en
what do you call a camel in a car? a camel auto !,1,en
Walking by the lingerie section Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway. Me: Uh huh.,1,en
"based on my search history , google suggests: a social life",1,en
"If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's ""Hello"" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.",1,en
what did the pirate name his pet clam? michelle,0,en
"What does the scientist say when asked if Invisibility Cloak will be applicated by the military? Yes, but you won't see it any time soon.",1,en
Where do you find a man with an aquatic mammal fetish? In Wales.,1,en
What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.,0,en
"After decades of study, scientists finally decode whale song. ""Moo. Moo. Moooooooooo. Moo.""",1,en
What do you call a superfluous elephant? Irelephant,1,en
"real men don't run from problems , they fix them. unless it's really scary",1,en
did you hear that microsoft is giving away office to parents? word to your mother .,0,en
Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig are unbelievably close friends. It's almost like they share some kind of Bond,0,en
just accidentally deleted all my contacts. best day ever,0,en
Does anyone remember Gotye? Now he's just somebody that we used to know,0,en
What did the desert say to the rainforest when it kicked a ball over the fence. Looks like you're gonna have to climate,1,en
Here's an analogy paper is to rock as dad is to me,0,en
Why did it rain on Christmas Eve? Because of Santa and his Raindeer.,0,en
You've heard of CoD trickshots... But we all know the greatest trickshot was JFK.,1,en
"Whats the difference between a US cop, and a computer? One has troubleshooting",1,en
Why doesn't Kylo Ren's lightsaber look like a normal lightsaber? Because it's a First Order approximation.,0,en
What dance moves do physicists do? the torque,1,en
it's polite to stand when a lady comes to the table. i take it a step further and leave the restaurant entirely,1,en
"My Accounting Teacher Told Us This One Today If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.",1,en
I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost,1,en
"your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig",0,en
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy's house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours,0,en
What did they call Batman when he was little? Lil Wayne,0,en
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name,1,en
My property is saying... ...nothing beacuse she busy washing the dishes,0,en
"The True Power of the Spacebar Light a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Light a man afire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life",0,en
Why were the breakfast potatoes running around hitting each other? HashTag!,0,en
What do James Cameron and M. Night Shamylan have in common? Icy dead people.,0,en
"Notice how ""me"" comes first in merge? There's a reason for that.",1,en
I don't go back to my hometown very often because I've burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson,1,en
You guys want to know who's a hottie Anne frank,0,en
"No James, that isn't a giant peach... ...that is Nicki Minaj walking away from us.",0,en
My dishwasher was repaired yesterday In other words my wife is officially getting rid of her crutches,1,en
I recently joined a nudist colony. The first week was the hardest,1,en
"what do you guys think of this quote i came up with? "" good artists copy , great artists steal . """,1,en
How does Tinkerbell pleasure herself? She hides inside a flower and waits for a butterfly to extend its proboscis.,1,en
Our babysitter gave my son a black eye. It must be said... I've never known a babysitter that does so much for me.,0,en
"What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...",0,en
"how come in math we are always solving for x? because with my ex , i'm always trying to solve for why .",1,en
We've all heard of Whistler's Mother.... But what about Whistler's Father? I guess you could say that he's out of the picture.,0,en
What do you call an area where an Octopus is sitting? Octopied,1,en
"I robbed a lamppost with words printed on it. It's ok, I didn't get in trouble though. You don't get karma from text posts.",0,en
what was the car doing in the dressing room? changing attire .,1,en
There's no such thing as a candle that has no smell. It just wouldn't make any scents.,0,en
What did the triangle need to do before he could get a loan? He needed somebody to cosine.,0,en
A man has fallen into the river in lego city! It was etika,0,en
DAE always have that substitute teacher who didn't know anything about the subject matter? Sorry. Wrong sub.,0,en
i'm on hold. my call is important to them,0,en
why did the existential nihilist cross the road? who cares .,1,en
europe is looking amazing right now. it lost a few pounds recently,0,en
"What's the difference between life and a joke? Life is short and to the point, while jokes just seem to drag on and on and on and on and on and on...",1,en
what do you call a chocolate moose? dessert .,1,en
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.,1,en
""" hey , careful with that ipod , man , that was expensive . "" "" so? you didn't pay for it . "" and that's how my kid learned the truth about santa .",0,en
What does an Alzheimer's patient have in common with a goldfish? Their memory,1,en
why was the tampon flying down the school hallway? he was late for his next period .,0,en
"Last week I ordered a vault and some speakers Today they arrived, safe and sound.",1,en
Why couldn't Christopher Reeve pay his landlord? Back rent.,0,en
"I'm getting way too intimate with my money. My dollar bill was telling me to ""compound it continuously""",1,en
"What did the watch say when the necklace, earrings, purse and ring killed the shoes? I won't be an accessory to this.",0,en
how about the no bucket challenge? basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it .,0,en
what do you call two healthcare professionals hanging out? a paramedics .,1,en
I changed my major from being an actuary. I just couldn't handle the risk,1,en
"What did the VW spokeswoman say after the EPA tester discovered the emissions discrepancy? Nothing, she was embarrassed.",1,en
What did the yogi say after riding his pet llama to the ashram? Llamaste.,0,en
My Jewish friend is kinda hot A few hours in the oven would do that to her. ,1,en
Why didn't the guitarist get laid? Because he had bad pickups,1,en
"Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates? His primary philosophical viewpoint is ""eeeeehhh""",1,en
what's the only difference between a near sighted and a far sighted gynecologist? a wet nose .,1,en
I like my children like I like my lamps. Hung from the ceiling.,0,en
What do Hutts use to program computers? JabbaScript,1,en
Q: Why was the willow weeping? A: He was unpoplar.,0,en
If America switched from pounds to kilos overnight There'd be mass confusion. ,1,en
Redditors won't get this. Original content,0,en
"i used to watch tv , read the paper , and listen to the radio. now i watch the internet , read the internet , and listen to the internet",0,en
"What kind of disease do you get from birds? Chirpes. It's a canarial disease, and I hear it's untweetable.",0,en
"The person who made it never used it and the person who used it never saw it, what is it? Casket ",0,en
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A SpecTater.,1,en
"My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays. I'll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe",1,en
why is mustard good to have in case of an emergency? it's always prepared .,1,en
""" you can't sleep either? "" says a voice from under your bed .",0,en
The police cadet program needs to teach students better. Because Kyle Rittenhouse missed most of his shots.,1,en
Whats the difference between a preist and a peado? One of them reads the Bible,1,en
Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches? Because bread is pain and fish is poisson,1,en
what does a girl have in common with a camel? they both have a camel toe .,1,en
what is the fastest way to exit a car on the highway? through the windshield,1,en
what's the first thing you install on a new computer? the operating system,0,en
"abortions are like stains in my carpet. you don't want them to be seen , and you pay somebody to vacuum them out",1,en
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Stop going in circles and get to the point.,1,en
"what is the difference between a man and a cat? one eats a lot , is lazy and doesnt care who brings the food . the other is a pet .",1,en
"Editing a supercut of characters saying ""Don't go there! "" in movies because I can't figure out a way to contribute less to my fellow man.",1,en
Being married is a lot like being a DJ. Most nights you just tune out All noise and nod your head,1,en
"my girlfriend bought me a bowling ball the other day. she thought i wouldn't like it but , it was right up my alley !",0,en
spaces matter in spanish ! why? because .,1,en
how do you remember your wedding anniversary? forget it once .,0,en
I want to make a revolutionary new show called So You Think You Can't Dance. It's a singing competition,1,en
"I hate it when my kid says, ""But mom, it was an accident!"" Yeah? Well so were you, but I still have to take responsibility for you...",0,en
"Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was in vein",0,en
why didn't the electron leave it's house? because it was grounded .,0,en
waiter are there snails on the menu! yes sir they must have escaped from the kitchen,0,en
You know that thing where you cut open a tree and count the rings to see how old it is? Recently found out it doesn't work with humans.,0,en
"while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle. I'm just kidding, I live in America",1,en
What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.,1,en
"so a staircase said something to me the other day threedots actually i lied, it just stared at me .",0,en
Why did the dyslexic man have slime on his face? Because I told him a good joke.,1,en
q : what happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug? a : it loses its cool .,0,en
My neighbors listen to great music. whether they like it or not,1,en
Why didn't John Travolta go to church on Sunday? He had a Saturday Night Fever,0,en
How do you make a neato burrito? With cool beans.,0,en
What's the final product Steve Jobs released? The iDied,0,en
Why did Gandhi lose the race? I guess he got his fasts mixed up.,1,en
Who can stay underwater longer than anyone else? Titanic passengers,1,en
Why didn't the blond want to use her phone while using the bathroom? She was afraid someone would steal her IP address.,1,en
"Me: What's the capital of Ohio? Son: ... Me: It's also a famous explorer. Son: Dora? Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.",1,en
Momma always told me that women are like chocolates. The ones with the cherries are better,1,en
"Look, I'm not saying Ted Bundy was brave, All I'm saying is that what he did took a lot of guts.",1,en
If your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Years can I visit you between the holidays?,0,en
""" you are what you eat ""? i don't remember eating a giant disappointment .",1,en
"Being a courteous dinner guest, I always offer to do the dishes. I'm not the one who's going to eat off them next. Quick rinse works for me.",1,en
What did MC Hammer name his son? Arman.,1,en
"What's the difference between a New Yorker and a Canadian? A New Yorker takes the A train; a Canadian takes the train, eh.",1,en
what's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse? the ground !,0,en
"What did the poplar tree say to the weeping willow? Hey pal, you just need to branch out more.",0,en
"If a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, they call him a stallion. If a stallion sleeps with a bunch of girls, they shut that riding school down",1,en
"""I love u"" ""Umm isn't it a bit too soon to say I love you?"" ""Oh ha I meant the letter U. What's your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol""",0,en
Why are astronomers so popular with the ladies? Chicks dig stars.,1,en
Why did Johnny Bravo go to the pet store? To pick up some chicks.,0,en
"Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals. What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!",0,en
"if she doesn't have a new hair style by the time you're done, you're doing it wrong .",1,en
why did pluto miss the solar system party. he didn't planet right,0,en
"Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every Iinternet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking",0,en
"even at my age , i can still turn a lot of heads. it's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though",1,en
Straight Outta Compton left out Dr. Dreas history of abuse against women Because they didn't want to turn this drama film into a comedy!,0,en
Why is a dog taller than a cat? Because of different evolutionary circumstances,1,en
What do you do with a camel that won't move. Camel tow it,0,en
What do you call a bottle of seltzer that lost all its bubbles? Water...,1,en
I like my girls how I like my scales. A flat minor.,1,en
what's white and covers the road in the early morning? employed people .,1,en
Krispen Wah You know how they knew Chris Benoit was really strong? He was always hanging around his Bowflex,0,en
"ian : "" i'd like to report my guide dog missing . "" cop : "" right . when did you last see him? "" ian : "" i've never seen him . """,1,en
I went on business trip to Africa but I only saw monkeys,1,en
what do you call a whale that mates constantly? your girlfreind,1,en
"I've never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons",1,en
"Trying to make my teeth whiter, so I bought them a Subaru.",1,en
"i'd like to teach the world to sing. and while everyone's busy , i'd go watch a movie without people talking through it",1,en
Why is auto correct regarded as an important invention? Because it's mage tipping berry ready for us. Obligatory edit: very easy for us,0,en
"What did Micheal Jackson say to a Jew? Anne, are you okay? So, Anne are you okay? Are you okay, Anne?",0,en
At the rate this year's going so far. I'm probably not going to get that puppy for Christmas,0,en
How do spacemen pass the time on long trips? They play astronauts and crosses !,1,en
"Dad says, ""College students are more interested in women today than ever before. "" A lot of them are in a program where they study a broad",1,en
My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones. It's saucery,1,en
What do you call dentists who specialize in unorthodox teeth correction? Orthodocs.,1,en
what's the difference between threedots what's the difference between dubstep and a fish on the floor? nothing as long as you drop the bass .,0,en
Why doesn't a scarecrow use TP because hay. its in his jeans,0,en
wifi went down during family dinner tonight. one kid started talking and i didn't know who he was,0,en
"my grandma has been lying to me for years . a watched pot really does boil . moral of the story, trust no one .",0,en
what is the definition of robin? a bird who steals !,0,en
"My Neighbour works in Fashion and was gloating they look at attractive people for a living, so I replied so do I. ... I work in a store that sells mirrors.",1,en
How does Darth Vader like his coffee? Lukewarm.,1,en
"In the beginning, man walked on all fours..then man met woman and ever since, man has walked erect.",0,en
reading the cheesecake factory menu. don't tell me how it ends !,0,en
When life gives you melons. don't burn the pot roast,0,en
"do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying. "" if you build it threedots they will come "" ?",1,en
Why did the man name his daughter Candy? She was the sweetest mistake he ever made.,0,en
What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave? Mind if I Slytherin,0,en
I had a dream last night where I was driving with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other... . I was tossing and turning all night...,0,en
"whenever i'm in a difficult situation , i think , "" what would i do? "" so i can do the opposite thing",1,en
What is the best way to remove stress and responsibility? A coat hanger in a back alley.,1,en
"Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out 'Batman, your cape.'",1,en
"Theres this one word I always stumble on when I try to remember it. oh yeah, the word is forget",0,en
"no kid , you don't have it hard. when i was a kid we had to eat without camera phones",0,en
If R. Kelly was a computer file... He'd be a .pdf file,0,en
"A school is like a barcode, It's a P.O.S.",1,en
What is a whale's favorite TV show? Flukes of Hazard!,0,en
Having a baby is like farming a crop You beat an hoe and nine months later you get to eat,1,en
I always felt suicidal. because I'm hanging on by a thread,1,en
"Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that. 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'",1,en
"i once had an internet girlfriend, but things just didn't click .",0,en
"What are the first words Jared Fogle's girlfriend said to him? ""Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, sir?""",1,en
"I don't usually post on this sub, so here goes nothing...",0,en
"Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.",1,en
"What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? ""I feel a bit overdressed.""",1,en
what's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage? trying to look upset .,1,en
Ever just read somebody's post and think.... what th H is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense.,0,en
how can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? read the label .,0,en
What do calculators do when they love each other? They multiply!,0,en
What sound does a Gordonramseysaurus make? ITS RAWR!,0,en
a man died in a tragic skydiving accident. some say he left an impact on the world,1,en
Why did the climate scientist cross the road? To analyze the chicken s carbon footprint.,1,en
I heard that boomerangs are becoming popular again. They're really making a comeback,1,en
warning: objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear .,1,en
"I finally got what ""family size"" means. It's the size that fits in perfectly.",1,en
"honey , would you like a snack? "" no "" then would you make me one",1,en
"what does a blind person say when you give them sandpaper? "" well that's really tiny writing ! """,1,en
New Apple product for the Blind i ball,0,en
"Two men were sitting in a canoe in the middle of the desert... One man says to the other, ""where's your paddle? "" to which the other man replies, ""sure does.""",1,en
i think twitter is the malaysian plane of the internet. no one on here has been seen by their family in weeks,1,en
knock knock who's there ! buddha ! buddha who? buddha this slice of bread for me !,0,en
Why do all The Hunger Games fans can't even? The odds are ever in their favours.,1,en
"what's the biggest difference between men and women? the phrase "" i went through a whole box of tissues watching that film . "" is a good place to start .",1,en
Did you inow Muhammed Ali's biggest fights were outside the ring Did you also know chris browns biggest hits wasnt his songs,0,en
Adam and Eve. were the first people to not read Apple's terms and conditions,1,en
"i was in a horrible accident a few years ago , and i suffered some brain damage and lost feeling to my whole left side. i'm feeling all right now",0,en
What do you call someone who's been kicked out of a fraternity? Hasbro.,0,en
"Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car in Los Angeles this morning. To be fair, the driver had just watched Four Christmases",1,en
burger king is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. pigeons are beginning to disappear,1,en
"A computer architect walks up to an elevator and sees a sign that says ""Out of Order"".. .. and says ""Even better! "" and gets into it.",1,en
"Hey Customer Service Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?",0,en
"i had to go to the hospital without insurance . it wasn't so bad, though . they let me keep my watch and my shoe .",1,en
Some gamers think that it's wrong to cheat. but i think its down right left triangle up square down left square right circle cross,0,en
what makes an ideal present for a monster? five pairs of gloves one for each hand .,1,en
If yesterday was May the Fourth be with you. I guess today is the revenge of the fifth,0,en
My dyslexic uncle was suicidal. He kept jumping behind trains,1,en
"i have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "" period "" diet one egg a month",1,en
Why do the special needs kids never get in trouble for being late to class? They're expected to be a little tardy,1,en
"No bees were harmed in the making of my new short film, ""Bees on Fire: Screams from Inside a Hive"".",1,en
what did the little girl's parents want for christmas? a better son .,0,en
What do you get when someone teases you with ice cream then takes it away? Blue Bells.,0,en
"Why is everyone freaking out about the amazon fire Like chill out, they're gonna go on sale again on Black Friday",0,en
""" with people now being able to decide their own gender , how do you feel about people who identify as household appliances? "" "" i'm certainly not a big fan . """,1,en
"My girlfriend asked if I was Happy to be fair, she always gets us dwarves confused",1,en
Why did the mumble rapper broke out of the prison? Because he couldn't complete his sentence,1,en
"my girlfriend told me she loves my brain i told her "" hey, my eyes are down here "" .",1,en
Which game does Dr Jekyll play best? Hyde and seek,0,en
I nevur make the same mistake twice. NEVUR,0,en
"Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator. Finally, I decided to break the ice.",1,en
my neighbor is a micro biologist. i've never seen him,1,en
I think diabetes is an STD Coz my father was diagnosed with it day before yesterday and I am diagnosed with it today.,0,en
what was the name of the indian dating site? connect the dots,0,en
What do you call an affectionate rabbit? A tender loving hare.,1,en
"SHENG WANG: FUN AT THE PARK Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching",1,en
Why weren't the baked beans heating up? They were just chilling,1,en
"I saw the last perfume made by Internet Explorer. I was fascinated by the slogan : "" use it today, smell it tomorrow""",1,en
I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car It is now working tirelessly,1,en
"I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but I decided to sit on it for a while",1,en
"For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks",1,en
"You cant spell Normal, without one less chromozome.",0,en
"Stop saying: ""That's what she said"" and say "". said the priest to his lawyer"" instead",1,en
why did michael jackson always lose in a race? because he always came in a lil behind .,1,en
"doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn't good. Me: give it to me straight doc what is it doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password",0,en
my girlfriend broke up with me because she and i had different opinions. my opinion was that i was worth dating,1,en
A man's son goes off to join isis. The man laments saying: Why? Jihad so much potential!,1,en
"It's so hot, everybody looks like they're in an American Apparel ad.",0,en
What do snakes have on their bath towels? Hiss and Hers !,0,en
Math joke: Why can't you derivate a social scientist? Because they don't have a function,1,en
"When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.",1,en
What does my dad and Chadwick Boseman have in common? Both of them couldn't beat cancer,1,en
Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover? Canteloupe,0,en
Where do bears store their military weapons? In bearracks.,1,en
"daughter : daddy , why is the moon following us around? me : i probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet",0,en
Don't ever compete against Heinz. You're always going to play catch up,1,en
Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.,1,en
I was listening to the comedy station today and Bill Cosby came on. I fell asleep shortly thereafter,1,en
"My wife's got that good at bonsai, we're having to move to a house with a smaller garden.",1,en
How did the sad mathematician kill himself? With a hypotenuse,1,en
I turned off all beeping things in hospital so that all patients can sleep better.,0,en
This is an X and Z conversation. Y are you in the middle,0,en
"i eat the first half of a burrito to get full, i eat the second half to teach myself a lesson",1,en
just found a yogurt recipe online and the first ingredient was yogurt. that's not a recipe,0,en
"If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: ""Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?""",1,en
"i don't need a pair of underwear, i just need one clean underwear .",0,en
why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? for the chance to gain some experience in the service .,1,en
What do you call a tired rapper? Sleepy Peepy,1,en
"this valentines day , i want to really surprise my wife. so i'm gonna introduce her to my girlfriend",0,en
What's common between india and constipation? Less toilets,1,en
what did the emo say to the dull razor? sorry old friend threedots you just won't cut it,0,en
What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer? I.C. !,1,en
Norway... What's the best selling car in Norway? Fjord,0,en
"What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? ""Nowledge.""",1,en
"if you hold the ocean up to your ear, it sounds just like a sea shell .",1,en
What do you call a sea creature that murders people? A Serial Kriller.,1,en
i got an std from a hipster. my doctor said he's never heard of it,1,en
"how do you catch a fish with peas? drop some peas along the shore , and when a fish comes up to take a pea , you grab him .",1,en
"What does the ""H"" in the Democratic Republic of Congo mean? Healthy people",1,en
What is the favorite Pokemon of a smoked meat sandwich? Raichu,0,en
"My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly",1,en
"The singer of System of a Down has a bodyguard... ..or, as we call it, a Serj protector.",1,en
A joke I made up from The Revenant Why did Glass gut the horse? He just wanted to fit in.,1,en
"doctor: ""is there anything that runs in the family? "" wife: ""hm not really"" me: ""the dog jogs a lot""",1,en
Who is the one woman in the world anyone can have their way with? Sleeping Beauty,0,en
How do you fix a broken rock. Geosporin,0,en
how do you know that the invisible man doesn't have any children? because he's not apparent .,1,en
"If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.",1,en
In Victoria Secret shop... sir can i help you? yes...does this come in children sizes,0,en
why are bananas so popular? because they have appeal,1,en
I used to like my women like a like my NASCAR Without any rights ,1,en
What does the herpetologist do when the sexual reproduction experiment is over? Turns off his monitor.,0,en
What's the final step before a sorority girl gets initiated? Basic Training,1,en
"What do you say if Jordin Tootoo gets on the same elevator as you and you're both going to the second floor? ""I'm going to two too, Tootoo"" ",1,en
"Happy Alentine's Ay! It's like Valentine's Day, except without the V or the D",0,en
How does a cow add and subtract? With a cowculator.,1,en
"Rupert Grint bursts into the room, ""Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!"" ""Serious? "" ""No, Ron.""",1,en
What's common between an unvaccinated children and rare animals? They're all on the verge of extinction.,1,en
I will not be composing any quality posts today. So just keep scrolling,0,en
What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.,1,en
"a canadian walks into a cafe , and the barista asks , "" would you like a latte? "" and the canadian responds to him "" nah , just a bit , eh . """,1,en
What would Kobe Bryant be doing if he was alive right now? Screaming and trying to claw his way out of a body bag.,0,en
"oscar if you're leonardo, you must have got it by now .",0,en
who would win in a race? the tortoise or the reddit servers,0,en
What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave? Do you mind if I Slytherin,0,en
What is a spaceman's favorite chocolate? A marsbar!,0,en
remember the ultimate warrior? he quit wrestling because chuck norris wanted his nickname back .,1,en
"Somebody asked if I wanted some salt. I was like ""Naaaaa""",1,en
Does anyone know any good Sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words with.. ..a duel meaning.,1,en
"""I'm collecting for the flood victims in India"" said the woman stood at my front door. So I gave her my inflatable crocodile",1,en
What did the cucumber say to the cucumber in a jar? You look pickled.,1,en
"meant to say , "" let me check my calendar and get back to you. "" what came out : "" i'm available anytime """,1,en
What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits? Rabbits habits.,1,en
Did you hear Richie Benaud died today? It happened this morning at twooo:twentytoooo,0,en
what do vegetables that go to college do on the weekends? they turnip,1,en
what can you hear but never see? everything if you're stevie wonder,1,en
"the line "" do you come here often? "" has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic .",1,en
What rhymes with computer? No it doesn't...,0,en
If you're happy and you know it. Check your privileges.,0,en
Kebab in Christchurch is really tasty,1,en
i made an appointment but it was cancelled. it was threedots disappointing,0,en
"How do electricians meditate? Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm",1,en
why do dogs bury bones in the ground? because you can't bury them in trees !,0,en
What do you say when you leave a bee in the freezer? Cold bee died,0,en
"if i ever go missing , just follow my kids. they can find me no matter where i try to hide !",0,en
What do you call a collection of memes? A memeoir.,1,en
why did the arab remarry his wife? because demand for inferior goods increase at times of inflation,1,en
How are the Bermuda Triangle and my wife related? They both swallow sea men.,1,en
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted,0,en
my wife bought a new plant for for the house. i didn't like it at first threedots threedots but it's starting to grow on me,0,en
"My wife asked if I was coming to our daughter's dance recital. I was, but I paused the video, pulled up my pants, and denied it",1,en
why doesn't isis like school? because they always bombed their tests .,1,en
what did the nun wear to the casino? her gambling habit .,1,en
older man discovers the subreddit showerthoughts one afternoon. That evening discovers phones is not waterproof,1,en
sorry just got your text. do you still need to go to the hospital ?,0,en
Imagine a buffet for the Gods. there's food for Thor,0,en
You know how I know Al Gore invented the Internet? The whole thing runs on algorithms,0,en
"i have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side , there's nothing right , and on the right side , there's nothing left threedots",0,en
"i put an ad in craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick british accent so i'm dating madonna now .",1,en
what did the meter sticks say to the lonely ruler? you just don't belong .,1,en
"I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges. I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome",1,en
"when chuck Norris went to find Bigfoot, Bigfoot copied him self to escape from chuck",0,en
"How do you call your chicken named Marco? ""Pollo""",1,en
"What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.",1,en
men are like chocolate bars. sweet smooth and they usually head right for your hips,1,en
"i've been dating a girl online who i think might be a catfish . every time i try to meet, her excuse is that she "" can't survive on dry land . """,1,en
I don't date married men. I mean I wouldn't call it dating,0,en
What kept the suicidal kid from jumping? A rope,0,en
"I know it's old, but I feel bad for the Boston Massacre. I mean, the driver clearly won..",0,en
What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic? Sanka,0,en
"""Do you come here often"", she asked. ""No, usually in my belly button"", I replied",1,en
why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? one good turn deserves another .,1,en
Why can't you differentiate liberal arts majors? They have no function.,1,en
"what's faster than light? darkness , my old friend .",0,en
Why was the Lego boxer unmatched in the ring? He was a master of blocking attacks.,1,en
why don't hipsters live in alaska? everything is cool there already .,0,en
"My next door Neighbour's Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched. A few minutes later, so was she.",1,en
What happens when a priest meets Arnold Schwarzenegger We finally get the terminator vs predator crossover,0,en
"Dear Architect, surely this bald spot on my head is a glitch in the matrix?",0,en
"My superpower is being able to talk to dead people. they can't talk back, though",1,en
Penn State We all know that older woman who go after younger guys are called cougars. Well older men who go after young boys are called Nittany Lions,1,en
Have you heard about Ted? The guy with a talent for animated internet pictures? He's gifted,1,en
"I made homemade soup with the immersion blender, mostly so that I have something to talk about for the next five days.",1,en
Why don't people believe giraffes' stories? Because they tell tall tales.,1,en
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...,1,en
This subreddit is GOLDEN With lock symbols,1,en
What's common between me and my laptop? I keep them both away from water.,1,en
"when somebody yells "" last one in is a rotten egg, "" chuck norris is never the rotten egg .",0,en
Women can't seem to resist my charms. What? They're magically delicious.,1,en
What do you call Nitrogen after the sunrises? Daytrogen.,1,en
How do you get negative inflation? Deflation.,1,en
"It was Christmastime, and everybody was feeling Merry. So she went home",0,en
"my old physics professor: times flies when you're having fun , or as frogs say , times fun when you're having flies threedots that was a long semester",0,en
"birth control my wife and i had seven kids. we tried using birth control pills , but they kept falling out",1,en
"How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says ""lather rinse repeat.""",1,en
"before firemen rescue cats from trees they always take a photo and that's where ' hang in there , baby! ' posters come from .",1,en
"Hey, have you heard about the new Micheal Bay film? I've heard the lead role goes to explosions.",1,en
What's the most fitting store to shop at to celebrate MLK Day? Target,0,en
Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.,0,en
"therapist : "" i think you have a phobia of marriage . do you know the symptoms? "" me : "" i can't say i do . "" therapist : "" that's one of them . """,1,en
Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.,1,en
Wanna hear why I love Dorian Gray jokes? cause they never get old,0,en
What Do You Call A Rainy Spelling Bee? Alphabet Soup.,1,en
"Girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material",1,en
How do you guys like Antarctica? I often find the answers to be quite polarizing. ,1,en
My furnace broke down on me. So I'm having a housewarming party,1,en
what did the farmer say to lil jon? turnip for what,0,en
what does green day say before bed? green night,0,en
"any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing .",0,en
My Aunt Tifa makes the best donuts... They're so good...you'll extreme.,0,en
"Teenage twin boys in a ""special needs"" class were suspended for online gambling while at school. Turns out they have DoubleDown syndrome",1,en
What do you call Floyd Mayweather a month before his fight? Floyd Aprilweather,1,en
What are the odds the sun and moon appear the same size in the sky? Astronomical,1,en
got my hair done again. i'm so blonde now i can barely spell my last name,0,en
I like my women like I like my fish. An irregular plural,1,en
What's the difference between a wife and a maid? Maids get money.,1,en
why are the fish taco and chicken taco always friends? cause there's no beef,0,en
How can you tell if you're on a Starcraft diet? Not enough minerals.,1,en
"Today, I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize myself. Then, I realized it was a window",1,en
where do ninjas come from? out of nowhere !,0,en
"in my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me .",1,en
Why did Han go out Black Friday shopping.? ... because the prices were Solo,0,en
why didn't the bear go to college? because bears don't go to college .,1,en
What fishing utensil can take out a school of fish? A sandy hook,1,en
""" how would you like your steak prepared? "" i'd like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun",1,en
Sometimes I think I've missed my calling. Luckly for me I have voicemail,0,en
"A rich guy walks by.. When someone asks,""What's that smell? "" The man turns around and says,""I'm sorry, it must be my Elon Musk.""",1,en
What would happen if The Styx and The Stones got a band together? It wood rock.,0,en
an ideal homework excuse teacher : where is your homework? pupil : my little sister ate it !,1,en
what kind of cookies do atoms eat? Fig neutrons,1,en
"she said she was approaching forty, and i couldn't help wondering from what direction .",1,en
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical,0,en
If Alan Harper was in super mario bros. what would he be ? A Cheep Cheep,0,en
did you hear about the meat packing ceo? he built his empire from the ground up . ground up meat .,1,en
"Snake and the lizard Did you hear about the snake and lizard? Turns out they moved. Yeah, they scored an upscale apartment.",1,en
why did the ram run off the cliff? he didn't see the ewe turn .,0,en
What is the ultimate rejection? When your hand falls asleep while masterbating.,1,en
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.,1,en
"The other night I was driving my car and I ran over a deer... a dear, dear friend.",0,en
Why did David Schwimmer need ear drops? He had Schwimmer's ear.,0,en
my five year plan? i don't even have a five minute plan .,1,en
the weatherman said it's nice outside. i guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news,1,en
"This is a cool experiment though I like it, gives it chaos.",1,en
Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub. then Bubbles got up and left,0,en
"What's squawky, worn out, and falls from foot easily? An old shoe... ...and Ronda Rousey",0,en
I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.,0,en
"Say what you will about memory loss... But, say what you will about memory loss.",0,en
My business running a dating agency for chickens just folded. Its hard making hens meet,1,en
"If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.",0,en
Why are none talking in the ladies sauna? They are sitting on their lips!,0,en
What sport is played in Spanish churches? La Cross,1,en
Marathon Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet,0,en
"""What should we call the big finger?"" ""'Thumb' seems as good as any."" ""Impressive. What about this smallest one?"" ""PINKY! "" "".............""",1,en
"What did the detective say when he tripped over a pretzel left by the perp? Well, that was an unexpected twist!",1,en
What would Kunta Kinte's name be if he was an NBA player? Toby Bryant.,1,en
"If you think it's ""uncool"" to love America, why don't you go see how ""cool"" it is to live in a country that doesn't have toilets or pizza.",1,en
what happened when rick fell down a hill? rick rolled .,0,en
q : why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? a : he has got no beef .,0,en
please make sure my tombstone reads: wish you were here .,0,en
A German soldier travelled to the future and became a famous rapper. Machine Gun Jerry.,1,en
What have I got in my hands? A double decker bus! You looked!,0,en
"An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.",1,en
"that awkward moment when someone asks if you've dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean .",0,en
"You can call John Lennon a genius all you want, but the simple fact is he married Yoko Ono. Thats a big strike against the genius part",0,en
"what if horses rode horses ? and then those horses rode more horses ? then it's like , whoa dude! check out that big stack of horses",0,en
An Irish elocution lesson Say the following words together quickly: Whale. Oil. Beef. Hooked.,1,en
Where do pirates go in the summer? In ARRgentina.,1,en
"Why are you prodding me with that ruler? ""Im measuring your patience""",0,en
"knock, knock . who's there ? hawaii . hawaii who ? i'm fine thank you hawaii you ?",0,en
"there's a major at my university for women's studies there's one for men's studies too, but it's normally just called "" history """,1,en
i am writing a book about the history of camping. it's all in past tents,1,en
What do a guitar and a drum have in common? Neither of them are a clarinet!,1,en
"there are two kinds of friends: those who are around when you need them , and those who are around when they need you .",0,en
"I was in an English exam and they asked ""Write the past tense of Think'"" I thought and thought about this for ages. Eventually, I went for Thunk'",1,en
What do you take from a kid who's misbehaving? Virginity,0,en
"Apparently on Facebook you can ""like"" that someone ""liked"" something. I just liked the movie ""Inception"", and now we wait",1,en
"The Band "" The Ghost Inside "" bus was just involved in a fatal crash I guess that means there could literally be a Ghost Inside, the bus.",1,en
My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive. which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic,1,en
"my brain is like the bermuda triangle information goes in, but is often never found again",1,en
My wife must have had a busy life before we met She says I'm her sixty second lover.,0,en
When the Ace and the King finally got together what did they name their baby BlackJack,1,en
"When I was little, my dad and I used to blend snowballs to make slushes. I miss snowballs, he was a good cat. ",1,en
I tried out for the part of Jesus in my school play. I think I nailed it,1,en
Who has the most confirmed kills in war? The person who dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima.,1,en
Why was the emo so good at playing he violin? Because he practiced on his arm all the time,1,en
You call it lightning. I call it targeted airstrikes,1,en
Q: What's the Internet's favorite animal? A: The lynx.,0,en
"find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status .",0,en
""" for people that are hungry but would also like something to drink. "" pitch for soup",0,en
"so i was hanging out with this tree threedots it was shady, so i left .",0,en
who makes the best astronauts? team rocket since they're always blasting off .,1,en
"Why are school shootings such a big problem? I mean it helps the economy, more jobs for the cleaners in the hallways right?",1,en
hear about the blonde that got an am radio? it took her a month to realize she could play it at night threedots,0,en
Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics,1,en
Ray rice's girlfriend is really hot. She's a knockout!,0,en
For some reason I'm an extremely secretive person. Don't ask me why,1,en
My cat deleted my final thesis. Don't believe me? Cats can handle mice.,1,en
What happens when an adolescent sleeps in the pool? He has a wet dream,1,en
i wish i was like my coffee. rich and strong,0,en
What do you call a robotic priest? The Sermonator.,1,en
"a female plumber? yeah , i'd tap that .",1,en
Jesus and baby joke. Top comment is answer. What's the difference between the baby in my basement and Jesus?,0,en
What does a middle eastern man and a goat have in common? A father,1,en
"if adele were a computer , what would she be? a computer .",0,en
Why did the paralympic athlete loose the race? He didn't start off with the right foot. EDIT: Ortography,0,en
what are the best clothes to wear to the dance club? boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants threedots,0,en
Why are the only kids in Warsaw magnet schools from Central Poland? Cause North and South Poles repel each other ...,1,en
"Be carful guys, I read about a new app and if you use it you'll get a virus. Have you heard of Tinder?",1,en
What do you call it when someone eats too much wheat? Glutteny.,1,en
"A man walks into a butchers... A man walks into a butchers and says ""Is that a sheep's head? "" to which the butcher replies ""No... it's just the way I do my hair."".",1,en
"we're supposed to get snow, but right now it's still up in the air .",0,en
Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.,1,en
"A man is traveling to the coast of South Western Asia, and he asks his friend if she wants to go with him. She says: ""Yemen, shore.""",1,en
a man had a stroke and lost the use of the left side of his body. he's all right now,0,en
Why can't trigonometry teachers give good speeches? They go off onto different tangents.,1,en
Why does a VC always enter a room backwards? To keep an eye on the exit,1,en
I heard they put a supermarket behind Bilbo's hobbit hole. Unexpected item in baggins area,1,en
My mother always told me never to listen to Rumours. Consequently my copy of Tusk is completely worn out,1,en
"I couldn't afford Vokswagen Thus, Auto.",0,en
"With the kids off at camp, my wife and I finally have some precious time to check Facebook in separate rooms.",0,en
What do you call a crew of handsome Italian astronauts? Fine specimens.,1,en
What's the cheapest present for an ophan? A tattoo with dad,0,en
what's the difference between american and canadian? a boat .,1,en
"i love people who can make me laugh, when i don't even want to smile .",0,en
"I don't know why I even bother having an iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline",1,en
How'd your trip on the Titanic go? Swimmingly.,0,en
"Tip from my mom: Always wear your bathrobe when at home. Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you're ""just about to hop in the shower""",1,en
"i once thought about write a book , but quit before i even started. it was a novel idea",1,en
"do you ever feel bored on reddit , because you read everything already? i guess you could say you've reddit already",0,en
Whats the other name for traps? Ill help you. It starts with m.,0,en
Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.,1,en
What's a dog's least favorite unit of measurement? Pounds,1,en
"I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems.",1,en
I hate jokes abou infinity. They always takes forever to say ha ha?,0,en
What do you call an average day in Ethiopia? Yom Kippur ,1,en
What do you call a lazy sandstone? A sedentary rock.,1,en
Raw meat used to make me sick. But now I'm cured,1,en
"I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app. When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed",0,en
How come Landscapers have huge loads? They are always edging.,1,en
I lost my first cage fight last night. not all dogs want cuddles,0,en
what is a drill team? a group of dentists who work together .,1,en
What do Jesus and my high school girlfriend have in common? They both bled for me.,1,en
I'd show you how warm hearted I am... ...But a plane ticket to Northern Siberia isn't very cheap during the winter.,1,en
"you may be a good person deep down inside, but i don't carry around a shovel",0,en
What do you call s'mores in Spanish? S'mas,1,en
My wife does a HILARIOUS John Goodman impression. Doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like him,1,en
"If Amy Schumer was a football player, what team would she play for? The Stealers.",1,en
my son asked me what humble means. i told him it means pretending you're not better than everybody else,1,en
"there are no weapons of mass destruction in iraq, chuck norris lives in oklahoma .",1,en
what's the leading cause of obesity in women? wedding rings,1,en
I'm a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats,0,en
What would The Beatles have been called if Ringo never joined? The Beatless,1,en
Did you hear about the iguana that couldn't mate in captivity? He had a reptile disfunction.,1,en
"what would you call the mailman if he got fired? i don't know , just some dude .",1,en
why is it ok to wash an american flag in hot water? because these colors don't run .,1,en
Why do crabs have pinchers? Just for the halibut,1,en
Newest Event At The Special Olympics: Introducing the Wheelchair High Jump!,1,en
"The neighbor's cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it's now some weird interspecies potluck.",1,en
whats the most slippery country? greece .,0,en
Which faction in Divergent has the largest number of lamborghinis? Erudite because they like knowledge a lot more than materialistic things,1,en
"if you were to wrap a cloud as a gift , what would you wrap it with? a rainbow !",0,en
what's the difference between a joke and a pretty girl? sometimes i get the joke .,1,en
dentist : there goes the only woman i ever loved . assistant : why don't you marry her? dentist : i can't afford to . she's my best patient .,1,en
the voices in my head have been quiet for a while. they probably broke something,1,en
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening,1,en
What do you call peanuts in space? Astronuts!,1,en
"a astronomer friend of mine told me a space joke threedots i didn't get it, it was way above my head .",0,en
"""Give me a positive adjective..."" ""Splendid."" ""Nice. Now how about a negative adjective? "" ""Splendidn't.""",1,en
where did little lisa go after she got hit by a truck? everywhere .,0,en
Heard China doesn't pay for the breed They just pay by the pound.,1,en
"really smooth . i lied told my dad that school was canceled . he said, "" lets go see a movie . "" we got in the car and he dropped me off at school .",1,en
What do you get when you remove the Y from analysis. Alabama,1,en
Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb It was a grave mistake,0,en
What's a priest's favourite car? A Morris Minor,0,en
teacher : you missed school yesterday didn't you? pupil : not very much !,0,en
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Buckets of water in Africa,1,en
I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered The chicken,1,en
how did the flea learn to use the internet? he had to start from scratch .,0,en
What do you call a dead actor? Robbie Rotting.,1,en
why won't the machines just take over already? i'm tired of doing stuff .,0,en
Why should you never invest in bakeries? Because they have a high turnover rate.,1,en
"What body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s? Spine",1,en
why can't unicorns play soccer? because they don't exist,1,en
general lee didn't have kids? a parent lee not .,0,en
Why are clouds like jockeys? Because they hold the reins!,1,en
"If I could be any super hero, I think I'd be Aluminium Man. My superpower would be foiling crime",1,en
"I posted ""I did it. "" to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing",0,en
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry,0,en
"If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime",1,en
What do you call a film director with herpes? Alfred Itchcock. ,1,en
Lord of the rings is about Frodo wearing a ring and bitching about how hard it is to do his tasks Turns out it was just a movie about an average woman,1,en
What did the furniture salesman say when he wasn't happy with his haircut? Its a chaise lounge.,0,en
Why is George Michaels never gonna dance again? His EKG ain't got no rythym,0,en
"Dear High School Reunions, You are now obsolete. Please contact facebook with any questions",0,en
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise,1,en
"A snake walks in to a bar. Barman says ""you can't do that""",1,en
"My friend Matt really likes bullfighting. Specifically, Mattadores bullfighting",1,en
what do cows do when they're introduced? they give each other a milk shake !,0,en
Why did the anthropologist eat a lot of yogurt? So that he could understand culture.,1,en
What is that on Pete Townshend's face? Who nose. ,0,en
Why does Popeye have such huge forearms? Olive Oil is a virgin,1,en
german chinese food is great but it only has one problem. an hour later you're hungry for power,0,en
How do Eskimo fleas stay warm? A flea's blanket.,1,en
very little scares me. so does very big,0,en
What is the slowest ship? A snail boat.,0,en
don't leave me alone. alone : i have a boyfriend,0,en
I'm giving away parachutes for free. No strings attached,0,en
"famous last words "" with this snow , the road looks like a sidewalk! "" jimmy exclaimed , famous last words threedots",0,en
What is MILF? The reason you pay money to your therapist.,1,en
"Women are just like an oven before you stick any cake batter in them, you have to preheat.",1,en
"if you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning .",0,en
What does the lead singer of Linkin Park and my clothes have in common? They both hang in the closet,1,en
why does the sad crab walk side ways? because he has nothing to look forward to,1,en
We've had the selfie and now the selfie stick. So when will our phones be renamed Selfones,0,en
Which chord does a priest like to finger? A minor.,1,en
"when i have money , there's nothing to buy. when i don't have money , i want everything",0,en
I used balloons to propose to a girl I met on the internet. I then saw her face for the first time and had to pop the question,1,en
"a game of cat and mouse, but it's just me chasing random strangers when i see them with donut boxes .",1,en
What do you call a boring meme about some internet drama that you don't care about? Dramameme.,0,en
What do a successful marriage and a successful murder have in common? They both end with one person watching the other person die.,1,en
"When the girl cried for help, I did what any sane man would do. I put the gag on and kept going.",1,en
"Where do hipsters buy their clothes? Most likely a thrift store or Urban Outfitters, TBH.",1,en
"oh panic attacks, i thought you said pancake attacks because i have those all the time .",0,en
A religious man wasn't paying attention when he was driving. His karma ran over a dogma,1,en
i don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute threedots,0,en
"men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster .",1,en
What fish is best to have in a boat? A Sailfish.,1,en
"We use to call my uncle Santa Clause He always knew when we were awake, and came when we were sleeping",1,en
"Drain pipe instruction manual:  When it rains, it pours.",1,en
What's the difference between Reese and Tyrese? Reese was born Witherspoon but Tyrese stole his.,0,en
How do you know when the wife is done in the kitchen? At the funeral.,1,en
I'm going to lock my own post before anyone else The hardest choices require the strongest wills,1,en
Conductor do you stop at the Savoy Hotel? I should say not on my salary!,0,en
I don't get why Black Friday is such a big deal. They already have a whole history month,0,en
How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player? Ask them what OP stands for.,1,en
What did the big guy say to the little guy Tough luck,1,en
How do men and women fill the fuel tank differently? Men jiggle the nozzle afterwards.,1,en
"I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ... ... but that's so much work.",0,en
"""But... I can fix us! "" the rocket scientist sobbed, as his wife picked up her suitcase. ""Jim,"" she whispered. ""This isn't rocket science.""",0,en
What do NASCAR and arguing with your girlfriend have in common? You go round and round for hours going nowhere,1,en
what do you call a man with one arm? hand solo,1,en
There was this cute girl next to me and I missed a lot of obvious signals. We both ended up dying from the car crash,0,en
What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace? A guardvark!,0,en
why does a dinosaur climb a tree? to get in his nest .,1,en
what letter is like a vegetable? the letter p .,1,en
what did the man say when he sat on a candle? fire in the hole !,0,en
Did you hear about the world's greatest ninja...? Me neither.,0,en
q : how do you protect a valuable instrument? a : hide it in an accordion case .,0,en
in my house i'm the boss. my wife is just the decision maker,1,en
from the man himself : what brand of gum does neil degrasse tyson chew? eclipse .,0,en
Terry Schiavo's husband might have kept her alive if he was a vegan. Then he would have an all he can eat vegetable,1,en
"The human body is amazing; I ate no pickles today, yet I just produced a burp that tasted EXACTLY like delicious pickles.",1,en
What do you call a Pixar film about Carpets? A Rug's Life.,1,en
"The girl at the table next to me is having a salad. Not as a starter, but as a main course like some kind of rabbit",1,en
No one seems to like my gallows humor. They get so hung up about it,1,en
What do a tortoise and a pedo have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.,1,en
"Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British. Oddly enough, so were the Australians.",1,en
what did the ghost say to the bees? boo bees,1,en
What does the German wheat farmer say to his wife in the morning? Gluten Morgen!,1,en
My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric. He's felt better ,1,en
Where do Floridians wash their clothes? In Fort Launderdale.,1,en
Cheerios and hoes are pretty much the same Some are dry until you eat them and some are already wet for you.,1,en
"What's the difference between Einstein and Kim Kardashian? Einstein is famous for special relativity, Kim is famous for simple reality tv.",1,en
what do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? popular,0,en
""" to my son , i leave my bathroom scale "" the lawyer sighs "" because where theres a will , theres a weigh. to my wife , i leave my last high five """,1,en
"""What's funny?"" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. ""Why's that funny?"" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane",0,en
How can you tell the ocean is friendly? It likes to wave.,1,en
this homeless guy just asked me if i was okay. i told him i was a little grumpy because i haven't eaten in three hours,1,en
"my signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else .",1,en
Ran into the apple store and used their bathroom. iPeed,0,en
you know what i like to do? answer my own questions .,0,en
did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? that's the joke .,1,en
"My ship has sailed, now I am waiting for the UFO.",0,en
teacher : what are you reading? pupil : i dunno ! teacher : but you're reading aloud ! pupil : but i'm not listening !,1,en
What does an opera singer and my dad have in common? They both belt minors. ,1,en
A muslim girl asked me how is she looking in her new dress. Bombshell was not the correct answer.,1,en
What do you call Shia LaBeouf's alter ego? Inertia.,1,en
What do you call Peter Pan when he's barbequing? Peter Grill,0,en
What's a caveman's favorite lunchtime meal? A club sandwich.,0,en
What do you call a spread made by Stephen Hawking? Vegemite,1,en
What do you call a Russian with Tourettes Syndrome? Yukanol Fukov,1,en
"Kayne and Kim name their new daughter ""North"" I hope there's a perfume coming: ""North"" by North West.",1,en
where did the glue go on vacation? nowhere ! he just stuck around !,0,en
why can't you fight an accountant? they'll always out number you !,0,en
It's the worst night of the year for my dog and cat. Their names are Pots and Pans,1,en
All my friends are convincing me to travel to Northwest Territories. But I'm having Nunavut,1,en
What does the Italian cat say? Cheow!,0,en
What do astronomers do when they have nowhere else to turn? They default in our stars,1,en
Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter? There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.,0,en
Four girlscout cookie boxes down in a day and I realized I have a problem. I'm running out of cookies,1,en
"Someone once told me, ""GO FOR BROKE"". I'm happy to report that I succeeded",1,en
Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.,1,en
"My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes. Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery",1,en
"no one knows where the sky starts. ""here? "" wonders one scientist, her hand just above her head. ""how about here"" says another, crouching.",1,en
what's the difference between a dog? one of his legs is the same .,1,en
What do you call a carpet cleaning company based out of Ohio? Cleveland Steamers,1,en
the power steering went out in my car. rather than fix it i've decided to get stronger,1,en
"When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating",0,en
grade digger: the chick who only talks to me for help with her classes .,1,en
Apparently the stock downturn has a lot to do with a big gas plant going offline. I guess the gas was argon,1,en
"Wanted to watch the Chernobyl miniseries but thanks to Alexa I am deeply engrossed in ""Cher: No Bull. "" What a life she's had!",0,en
Have you heard the one about the seamstress? It's sew sew.,0,en
a lizard that can't walk : from what is it suffering? reptile dysfunction,1,en
"chicken stock has gone up today, but only by a poultry sum .",1,en
"When my girlfriend roleplays, she always acts as some city in Georgia Shes always saying shes Cumming",0,en
Why is the rear end of a boat so tough? It's made of stern stuff.,1,en
"I finally got a snowblower and what a difference it's made. Now instead of procrastinating shovelling the snow, I procrastinate snowblowing it",1,en
"I want to open a clock shop... The commercials will say: ""I sell some of the finest wrist timepieces around. Don't believe me? Just watch.""",1,en
It's not that I'm antisocial. My phone just happens to be a lot more interesting than the entire human population,1,en
how do you compliment a scarecrow? tell him he's outstanding in his field !,0,en
Why did the anvil hit the blacksmith instead? Because it was irony.,1,en
"when buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision you've gotta sleep on it .",0,en
What do you call two nuns playing a bongo? A conundrum.,1,en
If Papa Roach goes on their final vacation is it to their last resort?,0,en
What do you call a horse that is on fire? Neighpalm,1,en
you wanna hear the best joke of the year? your belt size .,0,en
Why did MC Hammer go to jail? He was too legit to acquit,0,en
"All the king's horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions",1,en
"I don't envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.",1,en
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers...  What are the odds?,0,en
"I heard someone say their podcast was on ""hiatus"", guess that sounds better than ""my mom took away my laptop"".",1,en
How did the Nucleus escape from prison? through the cell wall.,1,en
What do you call a lion shaped bathroom sponge? Lufasa,1,en
What will not be on a website made by a homeless guy? A homepage.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft !,0,en
"name a famous explorer "" name a famous explorer that has been forgotten "" , asked my son "" internet explorer. "" , i replied",1,en
"ray rice should start his own line of elevator music. he could call it "" elevator beats """,1,en
How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training.,1,en
Why is it so hard to get a mortgage in Columbia SC? All the homes there are underwater,1,en
What do you call a dancer with an extra chromosome A slow dancer,1,en
What kind of music do wind turbines listen to? They're huge metal fans.,1,en
"Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.",0,en
What does a cow call his mate? Oxfam.,1,en
What's the difference between a fighter jet and a pregnant woman? One has an eject button and the other does not.,1,en
What do you call a task that isn't quite mundane? Tuesdane,1,en
"My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, ""whew. Close call.""",1,en
Customer asks the shopkeeper: 'Are these strawberries GMO?' Shopkeeper:'No they aren't.' Strawberries :' No we aren't.' ,1,en
What kind of tie does a cloud wear? A Rain Bow tie. ,1,en
Resistance is not futile. It's voltage divided by current,1,en
"You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.",1,en
scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. we just take it from them !,1,en
"The best thing about telepathy is. I know, right",1,en
"you said that if i went to visit at the hospital i should be sure to take flowers. so , when the nurse wasn't looking , i did",1,en
"hey there , mind if i take a bite? cause your decomposing in all the right places .",0,en
"What is the difference between an abusive relationship and The Chainsmokers? Nothing, The hits keep coming",0,en
Why do bees stay in their hive during Winter? Swarm.,1,en
"I hate shopping. No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!",1,en
Why did the cheese go to the museum? To get cultured,1,en
what is heavy forwards but not backwards? a ton .,1,en
Where did the dog find her husband? At the Groomers!,0,en
"What did the shirt say to the pants? What's up, britches.",1,en
My day was going good But then I woke up,0,en
"whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn't turn on for me, i like to think my diet is really working .",1,en
"being great in bed is like being attractive or smart. the more you talk about it , the less i believe it",1,en
"I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.",1,en
It's a long shot. but does anyone know a good joke about a sniper,1,en
Why should you never tell jokes on the ice? The ice might crack up! I use this at the beginning of conversations... it's a reall ice breaker.,0,en
"I'm on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks",1,en
how do you say goodbye to an epileptic? seizure later,0,en
What is the most common illness in China? Kung Flu.,1,en
"A close friend asked Celsius how many degrees someone would get after graduating from college four different times ""It's only four degrees, Fahrenheit...""",1,en
what's the shortest book ever written? french war heroes .,1,en
Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong? They're always in de Nile.,1,en
Did you here about the IKEA corporation getting away with having that guy killed? None of the detectives could seem to piece the clues together.,1,en
What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale? You can't keep a good man down !,0,en
"Children are for life, not just for benefits. Credit: A sticker on the back of some guy's car",1,en
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.,1,en
what do you call a joke with the wrong punchline? to get to the other side !,0,en
"elton john was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad he thought for a moment and replied "" no thanks, i'm a rocket man """,1,en
"i hate to say "" i told you so "", so im going to sing it .",0,en
i sent my kids to public school because i didn't want them to be spoiled. turns out i didn't want them to be educated either,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who illegally downloaded Free Fallin' and Refugee? He was charged with Petty theft.,0,en
why did the boy stand behind the horse? he thought he might get a kick out of it !,0,en
Why did the Pilgrims pants keep falling down?  Because their belt buckles were on their hats...,1,en
There are two things in this world that I could look at forever. the left one and the right one,0,en
My grandfather suffers from dimensia. he doesn't ever seem to know at what point he exists in time or space,1,en
Why shouldn't you tell a story to a solipsist? Because they won't believe it.,1,en
I feel like I'm wasting my life... But you can't waste something that has no value,0,en
"You can't change the past. But you can sit around in your underwear, dwelling on it and crying over what could have been",0,en
"When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning. I take the path of least resistance",1,en
"I had a roommate, but he was ran over by a bus. Now I have a flatmate",0,en
"Marriage counsellor: What's the problem? Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad. MC: And how do you feel, Stephen? Me: With my hands.",1,en
"skrillex used to play string instruments in the orchestra, until he dropped the bass .",1,en
What happened to the cripple that fell in the rain? He Drowned.,0,en
Why did the psych ward escapee never get married? He had a fear of commitment,1,en
what's the worst part of being bipolar? the fact you love it .,1,en
"So I dropped my pack of gum when my sister asked for a piece I looked to her and said ""Don't worry. It's in MINT condition""",1,en
what do you call a threesome with two guys and a girl? threedots a dvd .,0,en
I could never cheat in a relationship. Because that would require two people to find me attractive,1,en
"With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea... But I'm just stuck here holding my rod",0,en
how long are you supposed to wait to return a boy's call? this irs guy sounded pretty into me,1,en
"btw, my linkedin endorsements for ""Dreamweaver"" are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software",1,en
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after!,0,en
my dad is trying a new weight loss program its German so you know it will work,0,en
"A kid brings an abnormally heavy bag to school. Teacher: What do you have in there? Books? Kid: No, magazines.",1,en
there was this confusing ' do not touch ' sign in the mall. i just can't put my finger on it,0,en
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.,1,en
"in honour of back to the future , i just went back in time one hour. that's the joke",0,en
"My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter. So I got it in Buford, Wyoming",1,en
"A tree falls in the woods ... and no one is around to hear it, how is it I.T's fault. Because I.T didn't move the woods into the cloud.",0,en
"me : how are you doing ? is our date starting to feel a bit awkward ? her : yeah , a little threedots me : i was talking to my mom! mom : no , i'm fine .",0,en
I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him,0,en
"Sorry, ladies; I've never had a period. Can't relate. Had a semicolon once, after being hit by a bus, so I feel like that was pretty close.",1,en
why did sherlock holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room? because it was more er tea .,1,en
"You gotta go for personality, guys. They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,",0,en
What's a pet's favorite day? ...Saint Petrick's Day,0,en
What did Elton John call his tribute to Mother Teresa? Sandals in the Bin,1,en
life with me is like a roller coaster. there's a weight limit,0,en
"what did the boy say when his dog died? i'm gonna miss you buddy , you were my best friend .",0,en
"Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank? So you always have access to cold hard cash...",0,en
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a crisis,1,en
Did you hear about the contest that awarded the winner with a cat? It was a catastrophe.,1,en
"what do you have in december that you don't have in any other month? the letter "" d "" !",0,en
I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people,0,en
Does anyone know where concentrate is? I've been drinking lovely orange juice from there for years now..,0,en
CW: what did you do to your hair today? Me: It's really unclear whether you think it's good or you think I slept in a ditch.,0,en
What part of a plant has the most friends? The Bud,1,en
"I bought a house in Germany... It had thick walls and a nice fence, but needed a lot of work because the gas lines were hooked up to the showers.",0,en
"hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. if i knew that was going to happen , i wouldn't have bought all this meat",1,en
"i once had a dog named tax threedots every time i opened the front door, income tax !",0,en
What is the difference between the Cleveland Browns and Santa. Santa is still relevent in december,1,en
"today , my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. i went outside and the signal improved",1,en
"the fourth harry potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series. i mean , the fifth book was dead serious",1,en
"A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang... ....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.",1,en
"There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.",1,en
"i was going to make a subreddit about middle children today, but then i realised everyone would just forget about it .",1,en
"Harambre the Gorilla hasn't had much luck After getting shot on Earth, Harambre got mauled by Cecil the Lion",1,en
i recently lost my grandfather. that's the last time i take him to ikea !,0,en
why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn't? the dime had more cents .,1,en
What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!,0,en
"i'm back on my feet again! wait , false alarm the remote is right here .",0,en
"How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet? I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.",1,en
I've been trying to think of a joke about Miley Cyrus. It just hasn't been twerking,1,en
mention me in your will. just give me a shout out or something,0,en
We need a new name for the Bible. How about: DIY Salvation,1,en
"In a village where yogurt making is the tradition, what do you call the people who cannot make yogurt? Uncultured",1,en
"Honestly, I just want to see the bot try to explain this.",0,en
How did the rooster get a lot of chicks? A lot of good yolks!,0,en
"Oh you're upset about a thing? Allow me to remind you that there are other, more upsetting things. Somehow I think this should help you",0,en
how do you make a strawberry shake? you put it in the freezer .,0,en
Free nword pass. People who don't !lock get free nword pass.,0,en
"i noticed that you're still staring at me after i already answered your question, what can we do to stop this",0,en
"I love my church more than Dairy Queen, Cause we truly had rockin Sundays.",0,en
What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money's tight these days!,0,en
"A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.",0,en
What is a proper greeting when you're introduced to Christina Hendricks? Nice to meet you both.,0,en
"You're supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.",1,en
I asked the waitress for African food She came back with an empty plate,1,en
"You know Reddit, yall like school in the summertime. No class",0,en
"i went to see my dentist to have a tooth pulled, but he was on holiday . the guy standing in for him refused to do it . he said he was only filling in .",1,en
Animal Crackers Do not eat if seal is broken,1,en
What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby? A cry for Alp !,0,en
how do you make a goldfish old? take away the g .,0,en
I don't understand it Why is everyone suddenly your friend when you have gum or an AK?,0,en
What do you call houses that have good behavior? Manors.,1,en
Have you heard the latest joke about statisticians? Probably.,1,en
what is a hipster russian roulette? you got six cookies and five of them is gluten free .,0,en
Forget Netflix and Chill. It's time for IMAX and Climax!,0,en
What do Big Ben and the House of Commons have in common? Both have a huge bellend swinging his weight around inside,1,en
What are two things Hellen Keller was good at? Reading Braille and speaking Whale,0,en
What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help? Bro sure!,0,en
why is this wet? just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent .,0,en
Lock this if u have ligma LigmaLigma Ligmama mama lig Ligma ligma.,0,en
"I've just enjoyed a meal of Chicken Tarka Masala. It's like Chicken Tikka, only otter",1,en
how did the muslim find the goat in the field? very satisfying .,1,en
"What many don't know, ""Riverdance"" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.",1,en
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!,0,en
you know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should've read it? that's adulthood .,1,en
What do you call a dead Kobe? Ko used to be,1,en
what do isis and anime fans have in common? they both get hot and bothered over cartoons .,1,en
As I came up the stairs last night I thought... This step fetish of mine is getting out of hand.,0,en
I love drowning. It just takes my breath away,0,en
"A chemist discovered a revolutionary new compound of technetium, sulfur, helium, and bismuth. It got him tons of BiTcHeS",1,en
how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time .,1,en
"why learn a second language, when you don't have anything interesting to say in your first one ?",0,en
"He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry",1,en
doctor doctor i keep thinking i'm a computer . my goodness you'd better come to my surgery right away! i can't my power cable won't reach that far .,0,en
Why couldn't the cup of tea climb flight of stairs? Because it was too steep.,0,en
""" playing hard to get huh? "" i say as i flip through your wedding photos on facebook .",0,en
"i was asked what i would give the man who has everything threedots well, my phone number for a start .",0,en
My father is a great mortician I idolize him since I was a kid. But is it weird that the bodies that he works on were always screaming? ,1,en
what do you call the wal mart cheer? spelling classes !,1,en
Once I get tan this summer there's going to be literally only one thing that can stop me: simple carbohydrates,1,en
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.,0,en
I bought a leather handbag. Even though I don't own any leather hands.,1,en
"tiger woods: cool name , scary place",0,en
why did the woman divorce the grape? she was tired of raisin ' kids .,0,en
What do you call it when a Russian bull pleasures himself? Beef strokin' off.,1,en
why did thor not invite many people to his brother's wedding? because it was low key,1,en
What club cancels their meeting everytime? The vegan club,1,en
why does the pirate wear camouflage underwear? to hide his booty .,1,en
How did Wendy die? The Baconator.,0,en
"My uncle Paul does great bird impressions, He eats worms.",0,en
What is made of wood and sticky? ...a Stick!,0,en
"pregnancy tests should have three results: pregnant , not pregnant , and reality show .",1,en
our welcome mat is missing its l. i'd leave it that way but i'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging,1,en
what do you call a search engine that sings christmas songs? michael google .,0,en
Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming? He was a card shark!,0,en
What does Anne Frank and a large truck have in common? Both take in way to much gas,1,en
What Do Ghosts Like To Stare At? BooBees.,1,en
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound,1,en
I just won an award for my hairdressing skills. Best Newcomber,1,en
What is an Italian mobster's favorite cooking oil? Cannoli Oil.,1,en
do you know what beats meat? a hand .,1,en
"if you have bee in your hand , what do you have in your eye? beauty . because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder .",1,en
"Why do they say ""Amen"", not ""Awomen""? Because they sing ""hymns"" not ""hers""",1,en
how do you know when you should get a puppy? when life's getting a little ruff threedots i'll see myself out,0,en
"A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams... ""Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do? !"" The doctor calmly answers ""Pay me in advance""",1,en
"My wife started her job on a cruise ship last week. My mate asked, ""How's she getting on? "" I replied, ""I'm not sure, I think they use a crane.""",1,en
My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza,1,en
What do you say when the princess was late for her ride? She had a miscarriage.,1,en
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work. I'm serious The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing,1,en
"With KFC's announcement they've created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.",1,en
"what did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe? nothing , pipes can't talk . thank you",0,en
"Can someone help me? I went to the adoption website, but there was no home page.",0,en
A woman dropped the bone meant for her dog. She bent over and The dog gave her a bone right back,1,en
what dog can tell the time? a watch dog !,0,en
"I'm not angry enough at you to type in all caps, but you did make me upset me so I'll use two exclamation points at the end of my sentence!!",0,en
Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving.,0,en
made a meal out of an old recipe book today. just tasted like paper really,0,en
Quick! Can fingerprints be pulled off a raccoon? No time! NO TIME!,0,en
Did you hear about Prince? Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.,0,en
Caught out in the wilderness without any toilet paper? Just take a leaf out of Bear Gryll's book... Edit: Spelling,0,en
which star do the dinosaurs like best? the one that keeps getting bigger,1,en
What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice? Jesus,1,en
how are peanut butter and jelly related? they're inbred,1,en
Do you think horses feel remorse? They have such long faces.,1,en
"he asked where i wanted to go for dinner, and that's how the fight got started .",0,en
I like my kids how I like my Lego. In sealed plastic bags in a closed box.,0,en
i'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as michael jackson. i'm not sure which race yet,1,en
I lost my job at the quarry... I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom...,0,en
"One day, a man was rejected from art school You know the rest",0,en
"what happened to all the paul walker jokes? it seems like they started going pretty fast , then just threedots stopped .",0,en
"People who put ""Retired"" on their Linked In acct: I'm not certain you've grasped the site.",1,en
"while in bed , my girlfriend screamed , "" oh my god , it's so big! "" then i saw the spider .",1,en
"what did michael jackson say at the bank? "" make that change """,1,en
what did keanu reeves say to slow down his horse? whoa .,0,en
"a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be "" water we gonna do? "" we will need the laughs",1,en
"What do you call a dirty puddle on a slab of cold concrete in dim, gloomy light? A sunny day in Seattle.",1,en
"the brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning , and does not stop until you get to school .",1,en
The Christchurch Massakre was a horrible day for humanity. A good man was arrested that day.,1,en
why don't biology and physics get on? they lack chemistry .,1,en
""" so how did you two meet? "" "" unfortunately . """,0,en
"My daughter kept banging on my door last night for ages But no matter how much she tried, I didn't let her out of my bedroom",0,en
I've been taught how to eat in the bush... So I'm a great survivalist and my French girlfriend loves me!,0,en
"How do you describe Middle East? Simple; Mad Max universe, but sponsored by Toyota.",1,en
What does the NFL season and the national anthem have in common? Kaepernick is gonna sit through them both.,1,en
"Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it Anthropomorphic principle: look, I'm a talking principle!",1,en
"""Love me do"" was written by John Lennon. After he got a really nice haircut",1,en
"eating cheese right off the block then realizing you've eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos , right? hey , fellas",1,en
"My head is so big. When a girl sits on my face, she has room for the remote and a snack",1,en
I'm not really sure I'm understanding this financial crisis in Greece. It's all Greek to me,1,en
What does a Frog use to fish with? A TAD POLE.,1,en
the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. it was a brief case,1,en
What's the best way to count the population of London? Wait for it to snow.,0,en
"alcohol doesn't get people drunk, people get people drunk . drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk . people drunk people drunk people",1,en
"I saw a recently released documentary about the Second Congo War the other day. It's called ""War for the Planet of the Apes"".",1,en
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!,0,en
You know what's weird? I've never seen any femail boxes.,0,en
what happens if you cross a parrot with a gorilla? nobody is sure but if it opened its mouth to speak you'd listen !,1,en
I've heard mixed reviews about cannibalism. It varies from person to person,1,en
what car insurance do canadians have? triple ' eh ',1,en
I don't believe in peer pressure. Unless my friends do,1,en
"Hear me out.. If it wasn't trade marked would the make a wish foundation be called ""Final Fantasy""?",0,en
Why did the hypothalamus want to join a band? Because it had great circadian rhythms.,1,en
"I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go",1,en
"at least once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position .",1,en
Where is the best place for your sheep? On the edge of a cliff 'cause then it pushes back.,0,en
"When I was a young boy, I was touched by Michael Jackson.. His music is inspirational ",1,en
What does DMX say when he has trouble putting on a hoodie? WHERE DA HOOD WHERE DA HOOD WHERE DA HOOD AT,1,en
Why did the meatball chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria? They caught him stroganoff.,1,en
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for? Plastic Explosives,1,en
What did the peanut say to his wife before he left? I'll be back in a jiffy,0,en
What do Chester Bennington and Linkin Park fans have in common? They're both left hanging.,1,en
How many seasons are there in a dogs life? Just one the moulting season !,0,en
why does the forest stink during a storm? because the trees break wind .,1,en
Did you see the results of the swimming competition at Lake Gennesaret? Jesus won in a walkover.,0,en
What do you call a elephant dancing in a china shop? Break dancing,1,en
What does a philosopher and the drummer having common?  They both perceive time as an abstract concept.,1,en
"Do you think you'll get fake teeth when you're old and gray? Might as well. Nothing dentured, nothing gained.",1,en
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts...,0,en
Xerox and Wurlitzer are going to merge. They're going to market reproductive organs,1,en
"Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best? I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK.",1,en
"Have you read GANDOLF'S new book about GENDER identity? It's great! It's called ""YOU SHALL NOT PASS""",1,en
why did the cop climb the tree? he worked for a special branch .,1,en
A Very Wise Woman Once Said... Absolutely nothing at all.,1,en
"if you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day , it will grow into a college kid. it's science",1,en
"Whats the difference between a typical service dog, and a service dog in China? A typical service dogs serves one owner, while in China it serves four.",1,en
I used to be a fan of Dell's computers. Now i'm just an air conditioner,1,en
Why did the rancher vivisect his daughter? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He wanted to reverse cowgirl.,1,en
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?,1,en
"pooped without my phone this morning, just like gandhi .",0,en
"Two windmills are in a field. One windmill says to the other, ""What type of music do you like? "" The other windmill replies, ""Well I'm a big metal fan""",1,en
I do not have an OCD over tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up,0,en
How are Restaurants and Online Shopping alike? You have to give your order to the server.,1,en
I know how the Force Awakens ends! Credits.,0,en
"What's the fastest spinning country? France, because it has the most revolutions per minute.",1,en
They're predicting record highs for Wednesday. In other news the weather will be hotter than usual,1,en
What do a tampon and a redsox season ticket holder have in common? Both have a great place to go but at a terrible time.,1,en
evolution: true science fiction .,1,en
A meatatarian walks into a chicken nugget factory... A vegetarian walks out of chicken nugget factory...,1,en
This just in! A truckload of wigs has lost control and tipped over on the highway........Police are still combing the area.,1,en
"after having chinese food , my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside! it was unfortunate .",1,en
i just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. hope they're ok,0,en
Did anyone see the questions on that math test? It was in tenths!,1,en
"just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right .",0,en
did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? she missed .,0,en
"my friend said her neighbors came into her restaurant for a book club, turns out it was for a bdsm club . . . i guess people bond over different things .",0,en
there are two types of people in this world: those who always lose their train of thought,1,en
"""Your majesty, we've searched far for him."" ""Did you search wide? "" ""No."" ""Yeah, you better do that.""",0,en
Why did the hospital send all the nurses to art school? So they could learn to draw blood.,1,en
what illness makes you sneeze on your laptop screen? a computer virus !,0,en
i think i left popcorn in the microwave too long and now it tastes funny. related : popcorn is my cat's name,0,en
i cant think of any boat jokes. canoe ?,0,en
my first joke here and an original ! did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree? i heard it was a pretty shady business .,1,en
My pastry factory has been pretty successful. So far we've had a good turnover,1,en
i don't consider myself bald. i consider myself taller than my hair,1,en
"My stapler is pretty terrible at holding these pages together... ...thank goodness for staples, huh!?",0,en
If Tanacon was a convention... Should I go to the Lolicon and Shotacon?,1,en
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I made it with my really hot math teacher? couldn't really brag about it at the time 'cause I was home schooled...,1,en
how can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired? sleep at night,0,en
"what did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire? "" looks like i'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual . """,1,en
"What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.",1,en
"i was gonna make a run for the border, but i remembered i'm in canada so nah",0,en
What's the difference between an flautist and a Porsche? Most members of the band haven't been in a Porsche.,1,en
dubai knows how to end the year with a bang! i'm talking about the fireworks display guys .,1,en
You think you know all about fractions. But you don't know the half of it,1,en
"what's black on the outside , green on the inside and can go through walls? ghost avocado .",0,en
I saw a homeless man get beat up by a bunch of teens I helped the man out and I told him to go home,1,en
My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work. She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen,1,en
"A man walks into an ice cream shop and asks ""what's shaking? "" The cashier replies ""Nepal""",1,en
what's the best part of dating a quadriplegic? spinning her like a top when she rides you cowboy style .,1,en
Where did the Vegas shooting victims go? They are still in Vegas. What happens there stays there.,0,en
"at this point in my life if i drop something and can't pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it's staying on the floor .",1,en
"I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room",1,en
"I recently found an audio bible narrated by James Earl Jones Overall it was good, though the book of Luke seemed a bit forced",0,en
"I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. She said, ""Nobody uses newspapers anymore use my iPad"" and she was right, that spider died in one swing",1,en
i'm busy now. can i ignore you some other time ?,0,en
"My packing technique for jams is amazingly effective; cram equipment in case, sit on case, break case, swear at case, buy new case, repeat.",1,en
What kind of a fish do you always find on a beach? A dead one...,0,en
DAD JOKE: Do you know where you get water from? Well...,0,en
"if you say "" gullible "" very slow, it sounds like "" butterflies """,1,en
"you know how after you get off a boat , your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? i'm like that with beds .",0,en
What is the difference between me and being artistic? The second letter.,0,en
do you guys like presents? here i am !,0,en
"My son phoned from school and said he was coming home because he had a black eye. Unfortunately for him, I broke the freezer before he got there.",1,en
phlegm I used to work in a seafood restaurant where my specialty was clam chowder. I got fired when I got over my cold,1,en
I read the Quran once... ...My mind was blown,1,en
why did the boy eat his homework? his dog died .,0,en
How do you confuse a polish laborer? Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.,1,en
What ended the Great Depression? A Facebook livestream,0,en
Last night I met the girl of my dreams. Then I woke up,0,en
"My pull out game is so strong. When i pull out my yu gi oh cards to duel, you send yourself to the shadow realm",0,en
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes !,0,en
stephen hawking finally published his new book. it's about time,1,en
What critically acclaimed movie did Zeus star in? The Godfather,1,en
"Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri ""What do women want? "" She's been talking nonstop for the last two days now.",1,en
"Official Adrian Peterson Joke Thread Submit your best AP jokes and get upvotes. Easy enough, eh?",0,en
What is the shortest street in the universe? Planckstrasse,0,en
Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum? Too many frames.,0,en
"before twitter there was facebook, before facebook there was myspace and before that i had a life .",0,en
why is that bono still hasn't found what he's looking for? because he's always standing by the edge .,1,en
"a mother asks her son what is school like? it's terrible , we have to do all the work , but the teachers get paid .",1,en
"An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch. A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, ""Have you lived here all your life."" ""Not yet.""",1,en
A stampede of homeless people was heading to the local shelter. One might say they were bum rushed,1,en
The Twin Towers... Was the best of the lord of the rings films,0,en
I bought some toothpaste. It's not your typical food sauce,1,en
Why haven't aliens come to our solar system? They checked our reviews. One star.,0,en
Thought about putting a diabetic joke but. Some people think they are insul'in,1,en
"While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window. and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad",1,en
"If i could have any super power, i'd pick the ability to lure kids into my truck without giving them candy i spent my hard earned money on.",1,en
want to hear a joke? my username .,0,en
Doctor: Would you like the good news or the bad news first? Patient: I'll have the good news first Doctor: We've named a disease after you,1,en
today's word is legs. spread the word,1,en
"well, it's almost time to show up late for something else .",0,en
What's a cat's favorite author? Frank Purrrretti,0,en
I'm getting my hacked GTAV account back! Said no one,0,en
Where did Susi went after a grenade exploded in front of her feet? everywhere...,0,en
"if she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can .",0,en
what is the meaning of life? all evidence to date suggests it's chocolate .,1,en
What kind of music do accountants listen to? Debt metal,1,en
"For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy's.",1,en
"Not sure what you have heard, but it actually only rains twice a year in Seattle. October through May, then June through September",1,en
"i'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but i will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards .",0,en
Why did everybody where white pants at The Masters? Dustin Johnson sneezed.,0,en
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling? Ha! I made you smile.,0,en
My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook,0,en
"Have you ever seen a white gardener? I have, but he was also imported.",1,en
Is your refrigerator running? ...must've been made in France,0,en
What did the guy with bad internet get? Loading...,0,en
I love it! My girlfriend is so deep.... They'll never find her body.,0,en
"wife has been adding a little baby oil to her baths, which is cool because i have always wanted to quickly be laying down in the shower .",1,en
"""Keep away from children to avoid suffocation"" was the best advice I've ever received. You have to pay for that nowadays",1,en
What movie aspect ratio do cats prefer? Litterbox.,1,en
chuck norris does not get frostbite. chuck norris bites frost,0,en
"Guys I'm like next to Austria right now. Hungary, I could really go for a cheeseburger",1,en
What do you call a dehydrated French man? Pee Air,1,en
You know what they say about killing bees. It's a real buzzkill,1,en
Why didn't the triangle go outside to get a tan? Cos the sine said so!,0,en
Is this too dark? A: I'm having my period with back pain and cramps B: Bloody Uterus. ,0,en
What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday,0,en
why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator? because they all add up !,0,en
". and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for ""I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don't You Care That I'm Dying""",1,en
"My girlfriend dog died two days ago and I bought her another one She said: ""what am I gonna do with two dead dogs now?""""",1,en
"it doesn't matter where you are, an old lady is about to be in your way .",0,en
"i don't always add and multiply, just sum times",0,en
I was actually pleased when my ex husband came into money.. He lost his job at the bank ,0,en
"TIFU in math class by saying 'subduct' instead of 'subtract' whoops, wrong sub",1,en
What did the pirate say after his successful pillage? Thanks for the gold kind stranger!,0,en
So many people on wheelchairs Why not just use a wheel couch?,1,en
Dick was arrested yesterday... He was just hangin' out with some girls. He tried fitting in until the cops arrived. Poor thing.,0,en
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love. Maybe I was in jail,0,en
"As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald's Playland ball pit",1,en
Why was Noah a great economist? He kept his stock afloat while everything else was in liquidation.,1,en
"finally realizing that hotel california is about twitter. "" threedots you can check in anytime you like , but you can never leave threedots """,0,en
What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married? His Feyonce.,0,en
"My grades are getting better Sike, that's the wrong subreddit",0,en
what's the definition of a tree? something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver .,1,en
"i'm always one step ahead of my girlfriend. when she dumped me , i told her the bags were already in the car",1,en
"On my way home from work today I was listening to Placebo. I thought I was listening to something else, but obviously I was the control group",1,en
"why couldn't the philosopher make a living? he made no sense . i tried , i really did .",0,en
Among the participants for the races in German Olympics German army always stood first in finishing one.,1,en
"I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.",1,en
God must have been vaccinated. He's old and doesn't speak to me. ,1,en
do you have any raisins? what about a date,0,en
Did you hear about the fierce competition between the Texan and Mexican ice cream shops? It was the Battle of the A La Mode!,1,en
I don't get it why this sub lacks hindu jokes. They are the only people who won't mess with you just for a joke Cuz they got no beef. ,1,en
My favourite kind of pain; is in my stomach when people make me laugh too hard.,1,en
What do you call an ESA engineer serving the comet lander? Philae Minion,1,en
Testicle. It's life in a nutshell,0,en
"A photo caption in the paper this am ""Bertha the ostrich take a break."" A break from what? Ostriching",1,en
What is green and flying over Poland? Peter Panski,0,en
"does anyone see the irony in popeye eating lots of spinach? cause spinach , actually has tons of iron in it threedots",0,en
Have you seen www.tomatosauce.com? No I'll ketchup with it later.,0,en
what is the best thing about religious people? They love children.,1,en
"Finally listened to the audiobook for ""The Hunger Games"". In my opinion, the book was better",1,en
What's the difference between Florida and Atlantis? A few days ,0,en
"to err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential .",1,en
"some people say i'm unemployed, but i say i work threedots for steam customer support",0,en
"nice weather guys, lets have the internet outside today threedots",0,en
"I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook",0,en
what's the best way to break up with your girlfriend? on the front page of reddit .,0,en
What do you get for breaking news? Newscasts,1,en
i'm special. my school told me so,1,en
"Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: 'Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character? ' Samuel L Jackson: 'Sure'",1,en
"What would shakira be singing if she had been data scientist? Tsamina mina eh eh... ""Weka Weka"" eh eh...",0,en
"A husband and wife go out to eat And the waitress asks ""would you like any condiments? "" They simultaneously reply ""no thanks, we're married""",1,en
have you seen that old movie about the kkk? i hear it's a real cult classic .,1,en
When I met her she had her lipstick color on her face. But at oneside of face.,1,en
what is the most popular band in japan? fall out boy,1,en
in canada we don't have cars. we just float around on apology clouds and nobody ever gets sad or dies,1,en
What happens to a Canadian's car when it breaks down? The owner calls Triple Eh.,1,en
"I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream ""Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!""",1,en
"So I said to Rhianna, ""what is it Chris Brown does that 's so attractive? "", and she said,... ""Beats me!"".",0,en
"Have you heard of the movie about a naughty boy who wasn't quite ok? It's called ""Kelvin alone in the fridge"".",1,en
Whats the diffrence between luggage and baggage? i didnt have to cut my brothers legs while trying to fit him inside the baggage,0,en
Why couldn't Mewtwo move? There was too much friction.,0,en
What do you call frozen underwear? The Meat Locker,1,en
"teacher and student teacher : who's the big person , you or your dad? kid : me of course . teacher : why . kid : i stopped drinking milk from my mom , dad hasn't .",1,en
What water does Snake drink? Big Voss.,1,en
How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.,0,en
Me and my wife have been arguing over the thermostat It got pretty heated last night but it will soon cool off,1,en
"When I'm down, I read shelving assembly instructions. Shelf help books make me feel better",0,en
what's the difference between bill cosby and a rap artist? the art,1,en
"Scientists Have Captured the Sound One Atom Makes and what did the atom say? ""Does it really matter we make up everything.""",1,en
"one of my ancestors invented the glove well, he had a hand in it",1,en
Why Tyrone was disappointed when his dad came back from the store? The milk had expired,0,en
"I think every Miss America pageant contestant should be given a pinwheel before the show. That way, they can all have their whirled piece.",1,en
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!,0,en
"Finders, Keepers I saw this cool mine selling shop in Iraq.",1,en
"dear girl scouts, your mints did not make me thin . ps . please send more .",0,en
Robert Mughabe is in the shadow realm now. Somehow still not half as dark as he was.,0,en
"A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst",1,en
"The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.",0,en
"You haven't Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.",0,en
the five second rule doesn't apply to babies. you can pick them up anytime after dropping,1,en
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that's over with,0,en
"Three kittens were on a roof, which slipped off first? The one with the lowest mew",1,en
"Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor? He never mentions ""on the other hand""",1,en
what's it like to have a social life? asking for a friend .,1,en
Everytime someone locks a post A baby seal is not ripped apart.,0,en
"Describe your latest laid with a movie title! ""The Lone Ranger"" ""Home Alone"" ""Bend It Like Beckham"" Now it's your turn",0,en
What gets harder when inserted into something wet? Sugar. A mediocre joke that I made this up when pouring sugar into my cornflakes lol.,1,en
What do you call presents after you've opened them? Pasts,1,en
"whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then i back away until i can't see them anymore .",1,en
how do you keep someone in suspense? i'll tell you later .,0,en
"i'm almost positive that angrily staring at the pile of dirty laundry won't fix things, but it's worth a shot .",1,en
"I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that's only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe",0,en
"I'm so bored with life, I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish. I'm past caring",1,en
what is the biggest ant in the world? an elephant !,0,en
How are the Houston Rockets just like Metapod? All they've got is Harden,1,en
How is today Monday? It was Friday only a few hours ago...,0,en
My friend was angry i made a joke about his missing boyfriend I'm angry there's a bump in my backyard but we all manage,1,en
"Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.",1,en
What's the I.T. guy's favorite pokemon game? It's a toss up between ruby and perl.,0,en
What is a bacteria's OTHER favorite dish? The PETRI dish!,0,en
"horsing around I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go into the bedroom and horse around, she said nay. I guess she just wasn't in the mood",1,en
Why did the doorman get a raise? He was always out standing.,1,en
coffee makes my mornings. but friday makes my week,1,en
I have a chicken proof lawn...  It's impeccable. ,0,en
"What's small, thin, and grey? The kids in my basement",0,en
What do you do when you love a hotel? You Mariott,0,en
"Son: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I'm dad. Son: Dad, it's been a week.",0,en
"my son was crying and asked , "" why doesn't the dog have to wear pants? "" and it's like , i don't even know . so now i'm putting pants on a dog .",1,en
"i'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you .",1,en
"if i could really lmao, i could get into these jeans my mom has saved for me since high school .",0,en
The Welsh came up with the idea for sheep intestine condoms. The English decided to remove the rest of the sheep first,1,en
Wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning. I refused,0,en
"What is Tigger's favorite day? Leap Day, but Spring Forward is a close second.",0,en
Two women want to form a project group. Turns out it was a real misfit,1,en
My father saved up his whole life so he could be cremated. He urned it,0,en
"did you get the job ? "" i don't know yet "" when will they tell you ? interviewer: "" keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception """,1,en
Skirts on people can create cooling effect by flapping when in close range. They also can create heating effect by fapping,1,en
"Donald Trump in a submarine Soldier "" Sir! The enemy is attacking, we're under fire!"" Trump ""relax soldier... We're under water...""",1,en
i promised my wife i would make her feel like a princess. she is all locked up in the tower now,0,en
What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos? Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers ...,1,en
"whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there",0,en
"Nissan trucks. What, are you expecting there to be a punch line?",1,en
"if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular ?",1,en
"I'm diabetic, so could you pour some Splenda on me instead?",0,en
Why do the French like Easter? Because it's such a bonne idee.,1,en
Where did the family go for their uncles birthday? The local cemetery,1,en
"if a tree falls in the woods threedots threedots and nobody is around to hear it, then i've found the perfect place for justin beiber",0,en
I finished my culinary class final. It was a piece of cake,1,en
"I heard this song by the Righteous Brothers I cant remember what its called, but it was off the chain",0,en
a man starts having a heart attack mid flight threedots person : is anyone here a doctor? vegan : i'm a vegan,1,en
Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom? He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.,1,en
"When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don't like, I just say ""oh yeah, that's where that really cute girl works"". Problem solved",1,en
why should a man never bang his best friend? he'll probably catch fleas,1,en
"About the comments Why are there so many removed comments, I'm new here and is there a joke I'm missing?",0,en
I had my wife on all fours last night. As she was telling me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man,1,en
What did the pitbull say when his owner got mad at him for eating his kid? You ate my parents though,1,en
"sometimes I wonder if Einstein's friends were ever able to say ""nice work, Einstein"" without sounding sarcastic",1,en
why did the japanese funeral home have to turn away new business? they ran out of san storage,1,en
I have a joke about this site. never mind you probably reddit,0,en
The only thing worse than finding your girlfriend on Tinder. Is your girlfriend finding you,0,en
how do you make a cheeseburger sad? make it with blue cheese !,0,en
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes? Sir Francis Brake !,0,en
how can you tell who's the head nurse at a hospital? it's the one who has knee pads on .,1,en
What did Lord Nelson say to his shipmates before they got on the ship? Get on the ship,1,en
I like my humor like I like my coffee Black and hot,0,en
What does Peter Gabriel sing on the toilet? I am the extruder...,0,en
what do you get when you cross a blue eye and a brown eye? pink eye,0,en
What do you call street entertainers from the spirit world? Ghost Buskers,1,en
No one ever talks about Peter Pans brother. Peter Pots,0,en
A Pokemon Joke What Pokemon likes to run? Lucardio!,0,en
"Khakis In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive",1,en
How do you describe your suicidal friend to others? ''He's most of the time hanging around.'',1,en
"why is dwayne "" the rock "" johnson always so sad? everyone takes him for granite .",0,en
"if you don't have any feelings watching a kid cry, most likely it's your kid .",0,en
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !,0,en
What does a Oompa Loompa Rabbi have for breakfast? Orange Juice,0,en
"I have an eating disorder. I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets",0,en
"""The problem with the internet is most stuff on it isn't true."" said Abraham Lincoln.",1,en
"what's big , red , and eats rocks? a big red rock eater .",0,en
"my friend keeps telling me to stop impersonating butter. i can't , i'm on a roll now",1,en
I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza. I've narrowed it down to: Pizza Farmer Pizza Hunter Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,1,en
"what's the last thing a drummer says in a band ? "" hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs ? """,1,en
The table salt tore a ligament. It was an ACL,1,en
I like the new black panther movie Seriously guys pls fix the automod,0,en
i woke up this morning to find chinese writing all over my bedroom walls. i couldn't understand it,1,en
What do you call a speeding vegetable? Michael Schumacher.,1,en
Why did the bride's best friend become a Samurai. because she was made of honour,1,en
"what kind of orange juice do jews drink? all kinds , just not concentrated",1,en
Why is a raven like a writing desk? Because they both drove Edgar Allen Poe straight into the grave.,1,en
"my son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and i told him yes, but i honestly don't know .",1,en
What's the difference between a feminist and a comedian? One tries to joke. The other is a joke.,1,en
You are Darth Vader. How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again? You can't.,0,en
what do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? a golden opportunity,1,en
"you catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body .",0,en
Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica? Their journey went south.,1,en
Music Jokes! Jake: What did the Clarinet say to the naughty Trumpet? Sean: What? Jake: Why are you always in treble?,1,en
i had to use my glasses when playing tennis. because its a no contact sport,1,en
I just heard a really good joke about a giant squid It's Kraken me up,0,en
"I keep a sandwich in a holster strapped to my ankle for emergencies. It's a ""below knee sandwich""",1,en
"that awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who's really attractive, only cause it's too hard to walk away from the mirror .",1,en
"Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.",0,en
"i always said "" aim for the moon , even if you miss , you'll land among the stars. "" but apparently that's not a valid excuse and i can't work for nasa anymore",1,en
"I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I'm on a budget.",1,en
Cremation is wonderful It's everyone's final hope for a smokin' hot body,1,en
What direction did Mr. Bread go? Yeast.,0,en
"Some guy told me he liked me, but he doesn't follow me on twitter so his opinion is invalid.",1,en
What do you call someone without a Liver? Deader.,1,en
Why is Jesus Christ's France disappointed with him in bed? He never Came,0,en
"The sexiest face I make is when I'm trying to squelch a yawn. Just kidding, I look like a stroke victim",1,en
Q: What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats? A: A slurpent.,0,en
what do you call a canadian in a blizzard? cold .,1,en
What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation? A radical equation.,1,en
did you hear about the man who hid in the refrigerator? he thought he would be cool .,1,en
Why was Disney's massage parlor so successful? Everybody gets a happy ending.,1,en
What kind of watch does Germs Bond wear? An Amoeba.,1,en
what's the difference between a waiter and a waitress? the size of the tip .,1,en
"an old man went underwear shopping . "" boxers or briefs? "" asked the clerk . "" depends . """,1,en
"If Leonardo DiCaprio played a police officer in a movie, what would his name be? Leonardo DiCoprio",1,en
"Went to see Black Panther at the theater, but i couldn't see any of the characters after the theater turned the lights off.",1,en
"little caesar pick up line. call me little caesar , cause i'm hot and ready",0,en
"Social butterfly? Nah. I'm more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they've seen me, but no one really believes them.",1,en
"Did you hear about Mr and Mrs Ballbearing? Yeah, they just had a BB.",0,en
What did Eminem say when his label spelled his name wrong? It doesn't Mather.,1,en
Why I love circular logic. Because I love circular logic,1,en
you wanna hear a joke? me attempting to tell a funny joke .,0,en
"you know, they said it would take a few years for my medical practice to get off the ground threedots but i just don't have the patients .",0,en
"i will have enough money for the rest of my life. of course , if i don't buy and eat anything",1,en
Why are the walls of prison cells painted white? so the guards can see more than a pair of floating eyes,1,en
how do you pronounce tomato? is it tomato or tomato,1,en
What do you call a chiropractor in Egypt? A cairopractor.,1,en
what do you call water that bounces? spring water .,1,en
"when the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag , tell them it's ' for here ' , not ' to go '. then ask them to hurry",1,en
"I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, ""Downtown""...  I thought to myself, ""What a peculiar clerk.""",1,en
"""Mom, I found out I had colon cancer today."" ""REALLY? What are the symptoms??"" ""Why do I always have to start a list...""",1,en
"my wife asks me to remind her about stuff. that way if she forgets something , it's my fault",1,en
Why do orphans get no homework? They dont have homes,0,en
Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was told he was no earthly good.,1,en
"I was going through a few magazines at a Pride parade the other day I was really enjoying it, but then the weapon jammed.",1,en
"Gone are the days when I could just jump in the pool fully clothed without thinking twice. Thanks a lot, Steve Jobs",0,en
"when someone says "" be honest "" what they really mean is: lie to me , but be as convincing as possible .",1,en
"what does the baby look like of a male black bear and a female polar bear? don't ask the dad, he left before he could even see it.",0,en
all of the countries in the world run a race . who wins? finland . he's the first to finnish .,1,en
"during the week, I have people to see, and things to do. But on the weekend, if I'm lucky I get to switch it around.",1,en
how long does it take for a homeless man's stomach to be full? a couple of seconds .,0,en
"which country has the maximum number of bacteria, fungus, viruses and other micro organisms? GerMany",0,en
"I think gallows humor is gaining popularity. Then again, I wouldn't know. I'm always out of the loop.",1,en
What does shaken baby syndrome have to do with typing on a phone? You can shake both to undo,1,en
Why aren't Japanese optimistic? Because not every cloud has a silver lining,1,en
what's the difference between and elephant and a mail box? i don't know . i hope you're not allowed to take the mail out to the mail box .,0,en
Why did the console player get sick in the art gallery? There were too many frames.,0,en
"""and this lake shall be called Superior"" all the other Great Lakes: ""k wow we're like right here""",0,en
What's worst than being just a procrastinator. Being caught in an infinite loop because of being a procrastinator who loves to plan,1,en
cracked a joke about the titanic. went down well,0,en
what did the music thief do in college? take notes .,1,en
what do you do if you see a blue banana? try to cheer it up .,0,en
"wife: can you stop messing around lawyer: im not wife: just read my husband's will please lawyer: that's what it says. ""oOoOoh im a ghost""",0,en
"cats get a pass bc they're "" cleaning themselves "" . dogs are like , hey! i can reach this ?",1,en
"My wife fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked",1,en
dogs are great for meeting girls . pack of dogs attack a girl she's gonna need to go to a hospital . who's gonna drive her? that's right . you .,0,en
"what's small , gray , and came in little cans? michael jackson .",0,en
"i heard women love a man in uniform, so i got a job working at mcdonalds .",1,en
What do they call the doctor who released private health information after he got mad at his being given away? A Hipaacrite,1,en
"in a fight between batman and darth vader, the winner would be chuck norris .",1,en
Why couldn't the radish finish the race? He was just a little beet.,0,en
"With all the news about R. Kelly and everything, I just think about what Aziz Ansari once said... ""R. KELLY KEEPS DOING AMAZING THINGS""",1,en
What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird !,1,en
"I think I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it",0,en
why do clouds make good kings? because they have rain over every country in the world .,1,en
Where did little Jimmy go after getting lost is a mine field? Everywhere,0,en
my friend claims that he is a really good boxer. he doesn't strike me as one,1,en
"Will Smith during an interview. Interviewer:"" So why didn't you have a stage name while you were a rapper ?"" Will Smith:"" If I did, the best one was lil' Willy"".",1,en
what's your best oscar one liner? tell me .,0,en
"Recently, my grandfather told me his so glad that he is married. because he hated finishing his own sentences when he was single",1,en
"i came in second at a monica lewinsky look alike competition . . . . . . the judge said i was close, but no cigar .",1,en
What did the thunder say when it understood the joke? I feel so enlightninged!,0,en
"My roommate broke my favorite Russell Crowe dvd, and she was eaten by a crocodile shortly after. I'm actually kinda Gladiator",1,en
"How are girls the opposite of concrete slabs? Unlike slabs, the bigger they are, the easier they are to pull.",1,en
"justin bieber on the phone . says he "" won't be coming back to the uk in a hurry "" . well played, great britain . job done .",1,en
Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans? Choosing dog food is hard.,1,en
"The media says Jeffrey Epstein was hung ...but the media is not an underaged girl, so how would they know?",1,en
what does it take for a soldier in uniform to pick up a girl? threedots threedots a smile and wave !,0,en
"Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much",1,en
What was the seal's favorite subject in school? ART ART ART!,0,en
If you rearrange the letters of Fat Tuesday it becomes Fatty as Due. I don't know what that means but as you can tell I'm really bored,1,en
I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but. I didn't want to fiddle with the camera,1,en
do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain? oh . so it's you then .,0,en
What do you call a friendship between punctuation? Commaraderie,0,en
What do a unknown YouTuber and I have in common? We both have to cut ourselfs because no one loves us.,0,en
How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French? Melon D'OH,1,en
"he already ruined your mascara, don't let him ruin your night .",0,en
""".... I don't care if it's my mother, sister or even father"" Said the Alabamian kid at Christmas",1,en
"TIL that a class was taught by the wrong stand in teacher and the students knowingly went along with it. Whoops, wrong sub",0,en
"Do you enjoy interacting with people? "" ""Nope"" ""Great, you're hired!"" DMV interview process",1,en
"'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?' 'Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'",0,en
how can you tell if someone is a chemistry major? they have a mole on their body .,1,en
I thought about opening up a cemetery. but it seems like it would be a large undertaking,1,en
What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches. The iEyeCaptain,1,en
You know what they say about cows in the Bermuda Triangle. They moo in mysterious waves,0,en
Did you hear about the french TV show Did you hear about the french TV chat show that only airs on a thursday? Richard and Jeudi,1,en
My personal trainer told me my legs look like twizzlers. I assume by that he meant long and delicious,1,en
What is something you can use to find the pH of tree sap? A log!,0,en
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.",1,en
I saw a police officer talking to a homeless guy on the side of the road who had a bear with him. He was arrested for panda handling.,1,en
"what does a calculus teacher say when a student doesn't get it? bro , do you even function",1,en
"Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee? Because in space, no one here use cream.",1,en
Dad: Why are your nails painted two different colors? Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it,1,en
A man goes into a casket shop to buy a coffin And after paying the bill the cashier politely said: 'thank you and see you again' ,1,en
Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday? To watch Dablooney Toons!,0,en
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline. I wound up back over on MySpace,0,en
Strippers don't have air conditioners what do they use? Only Fans,1,en
"I wanted to buy some literature on DIY shelving Sounds easy, but try going into a book store and asking if they have ""any books on shelves""",1,en
Zayn Malik has a full beard now. He only shaves in one direction,1,en
"In Tesla Motors you. Don't drive car, car drives you",1,en
I just started watching a documentary about Abu Hamza. I'm hooked,1,en
Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It's the VCRdvard,1,en
"I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college. I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands",1,en
New sub New subbreddit: bestdarkjokes,1,en
What is the name of the restaurant chain that serves sushi burritos? Japotle.,1,en
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart,1,en
RIP Stan Lee Your funeral shall be 'marvel'lous,0,en
what happens if you cross breed spiderman and Catwoman? I don't know..can you guys tell me,0,en
"Why do they call wood carving ""whittling""? Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.",1,en
You know what heaven and my basement have incommon? There are plenty of dead people and they wont return home.,0,en
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo? Formalatire.,1,en
"Throughout the history of espionage, the phrase ""We have ways of making you talk. "" Has yet to be used on a woman",1,en
What did the broke zombie amusement park say to the wealthy vampire golf course? I just need to get fundead.,1,en
what do reddit fans and apple fans have in common? they both like seeing the same thing a year later .,1,en
"the pimp hand threedots strong enough for a man, made for a woman .",0,en
Why did Mrs. Piggy's relationship fail? She couldn't stand making Kermitments,0,en
What do you call a longshoreman who only unloads sugar substitutes? A steviadore.,1,en
"What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!",1,en
"Michael Bay has just recently announced the title of his next gritty reboot of a kids TV show: Ed, Edd, and Edgy",0,en
"Anyway, the moral of the Chilean story is we now put a limit on the hider in the game of hide n' seek",1,en
"Do cats stutter? No, but they paws.",1,en
why don't the british make computers? they can't figure out how to make them leak oil .,1,en
What branch of the military are horses in? The NaaaaayyyVY,1,en
Next week on Teen Court Lawyer: objection ur honor! Judge: objection totes denied Lawyer: smdh,0,en
"It's Cyber Monday, sooo. what are you wearing",0,en
what do you get when you cross reddit and a weekend? no new messages .,0,en
"So Hungry If Katniss Everdeen's friend Peeta got blown up, would the resulting crater be a Peeta pocket?",0,en
did you know that jose is an american name? it's mentioned in the very first line of the u.s . national anthem .,1,en
How did Stevie Wonder's parents punish him as a child? They rearranged his bedroom.,1,en
"my friends were amazed when i told them i can predict the future using herbs . "" is it true? "" they asked threedots ' only thyme will tell ' i replied .",1,en
Judge: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.,0,en
mother : what was the first thing you learned in class? daughter : how to talk without moving my lips !,0,en
Whats the last thing that went through Sally's mind after jumping from a skyscraper? Her ankles.,0,en
My friend said he was really down because of his car troubles. I told him i didn't wan't to hear his saab story,1,en
Why should you keep your grooming impeccable? To prevent bird attacks! ,0,en
"guys , i know charlie sheen isn't winning right now. but at least he's positive",1,en
"What does a mother with a toddler and an American soldier fighting the Japanese have in common. ""Here comes the aeroplane""",1,en
"I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder",0,en
What is Mike Tyson's favorite song? Down With The Thickness.,0,en
What did the Jewish child do after seeing his grandparents? He put the urn back on the self.,1,en
"""Risky Star"" What kind of a star can be risky? . . A shooting star!",0,en
I've tried all week long and still haven't been able to teach this baby how to Dougie. Does anyone know the return policy in these things?,1,en
"I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: ""Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again.""",0,en
"Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you've had enough to eat. Date your grandma",0,en
it was a classic cinderella story: i walked into strangers ' houses and made women try on a shoe i found,1,en
"I like the guy who wrote ""What Is Love"" He really Haddaway with words.",1,en
finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. it's my face,0,en
"What is the first question you ask a baby cow, after its gotten over an illness? How are you vealing",1,en
Where do crows go to buy groceries? Kroger,0,en
Where do witches and wizards shop? Voldemart.,0,en
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic? One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.,0,en
What do you call a lion with a fancy hat? A dandy lion.,1,en
What do dolphins have that no other mammals have?  Baby dolphins,1,en
"When she screams ""deeper! ""... ...but you already have a degree in philosophy.",1,en
"YOUR LISTENING TO MAGIC FM. pick a frequency, any frequency",0,en
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller? A computer with a lot of bites !,0,en
A man came back from the fruit and veg shop without buying anything. The trip was fruitless. edit: wording,0,en
"what is the best way to get called a , "" genius? "" threedots by losing a billion dollars in business .",1,en
What is the name of your Russian coworker you see the next day? C. U. Tomorov,0,en
"when a computer program says "" not responding "" i start texting it stuff like "" who are you with? "" and "" just heard our song """,1,en
"did you see the headline about mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat? "" mayweather may weather may weather """,1,en
"""That's me in a nutshell. "" A peanut's photo album",0,en
"I told my wife I was making venison for dinner. She said ""oh, deer""",1,en
"every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away .",0,en
"When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said ""man, I'm just happy to be breathing"". I told him he should have bigger aspirations",1,en
"I see, it's all coming back to me now. Said the blind man as he pissed into the wind",0,en
"When you are on a first date and she says to you: ""I want you to treat me like a movie star,"" it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.",1,en
how do you confuse a straight person? tell them they're straight .,1,en
knock knock . who's there? not comcast .,0,en
What kind of hair do oceans have? Wavy !,0,en
"when i got my license they asked if i wanted to be an organ donor. i said "" i don't own an organ """,1,en
"will you tell you the story of the huge sad wall? i shouldn't , you'll never get over it .",0,en
Why did the computer cross the road? To get a byte to eat...,0,en
What do you get when you combine chlorine and ammonia? A shower,0,en
quick poll: why'd you break up with me in high school Alison,0,en
what do you get when you boil tree trunks with sugar? log jam .,1,en
what do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for camouflage training? well done .,1,en
I Once Knew A Friend Who Got Mauled By Dogs His name was Ramsay. I have to give credit to my friend for this joke and thought to share it,0,en
"REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service! ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast",0,en
Leaving this subreddit I don't really care for the automod stuff anymore so I'm just going to leave. See ya guys later,0,en
"My friend got a nice new ride, but no one wants to drive him around in it Now he's got all that car and nothing to chauffeur it.",0,en
"A fairy tale for men One day a handsome young man proposes to his girlfriend, but she says no. And the man lives happily ever after!",0,en
Why did the researchers stopped their research on embryos? Because the subject is still to immature.,1,en
Me: One large buttery popcorn please! Him: Ma'am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies... Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR,0,en
my girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together. which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking,1,en
Why do sheep go on vacation The Baahamas,1,en
Why did the 'A' go to the bathroom and come out an 'E'? It had a vowel movement.,1,en
"George Clooney looks that way because when he was a kid he kept making handsome faces and it stuck that way. No, don't stare",0,en
why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? because it's too hard to put them on the bottom !,0,en
Elephant Hunter I used to hunt elephant but had to quit. Carrying the decoys got to heavy,1,en
"What did Casper say to his girlfriend? I love you, boo!!",0,en
why do we have oceans? because based god and acid god had a baby .,1,en
What has wings a long tail and wears a bow? A birthday pheasant!,0,en
The battery is dead on my iPhone. Guess which phone I have. The iPhone X,0,en
"one eskimo said to the other , "" where is your mother from? "" the second eskimo says "" alaska . """,1,en
What's the similarity between a Tap Mobile Game and a Girlfriend? You can use all four fingers for both.,0,en
Where do you get bare minerals from? A strip mine,1,en
"If at first you don't succeed, then you will have alerted them to your presence. It is important that you at first succeed",1,en
What do you call the outer edge of a piece of bread that has been toasted? Crusty,1,en
Wow it's finally my wedding day! My sister looks so beautiful in her dress!,0,en
What do crawl spaces and young female children have in common? They're both a tight fit,1,en
"If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leader's sandwich shop every day, then...  ... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.",1,en
"my wife has just left me , taking my satellite dish and bob marley collection. no woman , no sky",0,en
which spice is the worst at keeping secrets? only thyme will tell .,0,en
"if i'm ever in a coma , don't try to wake me. i'm doing what i love",0,en
I found a rating for the Sun online. It was only a star,0,en
"horoscope : you'll read a horoscope today. me : whoa , it's like they know me",0,en
What do you call someone who talks on their phone during dinner? Cellfcentered,0,en
I misused a comma in my last tweet and now I'm having problems with my colon. I know it has nothing to do with my period,1,en
What cereal is addicted to working out? Shredded wheat. ,1,en
Why do we need iron in our diets? Because it's good ferrous.,1,en
how does a chef relax? he beats his meat,1,en
"I just watched the girl next to me google ""lack toast and tolerant symptoms"" Symptoms: you have no toast but it's totally tolerable.",1,en
How can you tell a dog is a cool dog? It swags its tail.,1,en
Why does the Buick Century have that name? It's the average age of someone who drives one.,1,en
what do farmers say when something is important to them? it plays a big tractor .,1,en
"if i ever say , "" do you want me to be honest? "" say no .",1,en
"if experience has taught me anything, i've forgotten what it was .",1,en
I dissected an iris today... It was an eye opening experience. ,0,en
A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns. Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool,1,en
I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet... Now it's clogged!,0,en
"my wife's late for work because i unplugged her alarm so i could charge my phone. she's mad , but at least i can tell you guys about it",1,en
"ever stop to think, and forget to start again ?",0,en
what would bears be without bees? ears !,0,en
"Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.",1,en
We don't have mods in here. We have zookeepers.,0,en
new stereotype I just invented: everyone else but me is bad at navigating their cart at Costco,1,en
"A man's got to know his limitations. Unless he's in a relationship, then he'll be constantly reminded",1,en
I was wondering why my tap water was cloudy. But then it became clear to me,1,en
A man has a goose on top of a building. What is the easiest way for him to get down? Pluck it off the goose.,0,en
"Saw a chameleon today, so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one.",1,en
"Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity",1,en
"Did you know there's a trick to sense autistic people? They usually yell out ""Hello. It's July."" from far away.",1,en
what's a one way streets favorite band? one direction,1,en
What do you call an Penguin with dandruff? Frosted Flakes,1,en
"what do kim kardashian , and my girlfriend have in common? they're both made up .",0,en
What is a popular pastime in Japan? Hangman,1,en
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.,1,en
Two wrongs don't make a right But three rights make a left,0,en
My priest told me that my inner kid in me is still young. I don't think the inner kid in him is as young as the kid he was in,1,en
What do Volkswagen and a boy going through puberty have in common? They both lie about their emissions.,1,en
"if you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on twitter .",0,en
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones. Scarlett Johansson: That's very interesting,0,en
Why did the thesaurus have a creeping feeling? He had an antonym.,1,en
Which street in France do reindeer live on? Rue Dolph,1,en
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder? An acquaintance,1,en
whats the difference between a shower thought and a joke? i don't know you tell me .,0,en
i had to put my dog down today. i'd been carrying her for a while,0,en
"hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water .",0,en
Why did the Giraffe have PTSD? Because he was giraffe'ted into the war. Also Melman's job didn't pay well.,1,en
Bad news about shortbread! They're not making it any longer.,0,en
I love my new pajamas! I wonder why I am in a camp in Germany though.,0,en
Why did the amoeba flunk the math test? Because it multiplied by dividing.,1,en
what kind of car drives over water? any kind of car if it goes over a bridge .,0,en
What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power? Gramma Rays,0,en
don't open a store on mt. everest you'd be surprised how quickly things go downhill from there threedots,0,en
I gave my family moving pictures for Christmas today. They were great gifs,0,en
What did Peter Parker's aunt call her cornfield labyrinth? May's Maize Maze.,0,en
"Buy a boat, name it Relation. Now you can tell people that you have a relationship",0,en
"""We run a tight ship"" barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway ""Real tight. "" he turns sideways to fit down the hall",1,en
What did the geologist say when he got a rock for his birthday? I appreciate the sediment.,1,en
What unit of measurement does the US military now use to measure mach speeds instead of the speed of sound? Princess Diana's,1,en
"TIL there was a Pink Floyd album that only featured songs about shipyards. Matter of fact, it's all dock.",1,en
I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore. I'm moving the fridge to my room,0,en
"i like to use rock , paper scissors to make all my binary choices. like what gender i am",1,en
who do they bring in if the stand up comedian dies during the show? a stand in comedian,1,en
What do you say to Jennifer Anniston after she has been stabbed? So noone told you knife was gonna be this way,0,en
"the doctor just told my girlfriend and i that the baby is coming early. like father , like son",1,en
I had a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days,1,en
harry heard that most accidents happen within two miles of home. so he moved threedots,0,en
YOU make some noise. You're the one with the band and the microphone,0,en
Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT,0,en
"There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings. They are referred to as ""nomads.""",1,en
What do you call an aardvark that writes poems? A bardvark!,1,en
"All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs. Except the worms, they came in apples.",1,en
haven't been able to tweet much recently. need to cut back on real life,0,en
Passenger profiled on airplane flight for doing math. I want to know if the profiler is a blonde? Feminist? Liberal arts major?,1,en
you're a vegetarian who eats fish? i guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians .,1,en
teacher : this note from your father looks like your handwriting? pupil : well yes he borrowed my pen !,0,en
My dad's favorite composer is Beethoven's little brother... Covetoven. Get it? DO YOU,0,en
"Whenever someone says, ""Good question"" I never hear their answer because I'm too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.",1,en
A surrealist entered an Indian market. It felt very bazaar,1,en
Whats the difference between a baby and a crowbar? A crowbar can open a door when you jam it through the crack?,0,en
"A vegetable runs into a wall, what breaks first? Its wheelchair",0,en
"After moving to a boring part of the West, what did Sauron say when he spotted gaps around the threshold to his home? I need more door.",0,en
What do you call Post Malone when he's on Facebook by himself? Post Alone.,0,en
"I hate roller coasters. They always have so much potential, then they go downhill",1,en
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time,1,en
"If God wanted me to mow my own lawn, He wouldn't have given me the ability to earn a postgraduate degree.",1,en
The U.S.S Enterprise had a magician on board.  Jean Luc Pickacard,1,en
Just hugged a sycamore tree before kissing an oak tree. I'm having a treesome lol,0,en
Why did Mario lose a life? He stubbed his MiyamoToe. ...I'll see my way out.,0,en
"What did the Canadian think of his hardwood flooring? It was Oak, Eh!",1,en
I bought my kid some McDonald's today. He really doesn't like stocks though,1,en
Why did a hippie head to a volcano? So he can get himself a lava lamp!,0,en
Is Siri male or female? Female because you always have to tell her twice. ,0,en
what do you call a cookie without legs? a cookie,1,en
"what's the difference between a garden hose and a the male prostate? well , there is a vas deferens .",1,en
Wanna hear a joke about my cawk? never mind its too long,0,en
Did you hear about the mathematician who became a monk? One evening he was solving a trigonometric equation and then he saw a sine.,1,en
"i forgot to put on deodorant today but not to worry, if this urinal cake is good enough for the bathroom then it's good enough for me .",0,en
"the first day of school i signed up for english , math , science and language. the rest , as they say , was history",1,en
Why didn't the hipster want to see the Saint John River and the Penobscot River? They're two Maine streams.,1,en
Did you hear about the preganant comedian? She's got a pun in the oven.,1,en
What's the best hat in the world? The one you wore when leaving the womb.,0,en
why should you never run in front of a bus? you will get tired .,0,en
did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? no the other one . no the other one .,0,en
why was the marshmallow stuck to the tree? it was taped .,0,en
"even if you don't pay, they'll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car .",1,en
you always agree with me and like what i say even if you don't believe me . what am i? an upvote,0,en
what's longer than most relationships these days? this status .,0,en
"ran out of toilet paper , so i had to use leaves. just kidding , but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom",1,en
"You let your eyes unfocus. The entire page coalesces into a cheery, bespectacled face. Waldo is the entire crowd scene. We are all Waldo.",0,en
"i give in to peer pressure my friends went on a diet, so i joined in to try to fit in .",1,en
"did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo? a lion called another a cheetah . personally , i think he was lion .",1,en
Which day do chickens fear most? Fryday.,1,en
Did you hear about the blind guy who got in a car accident? He regained his sight in ICU.,1,en
The stock market has been looking thinner lately. It's lost several Pounds,1,en
"What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!",1,en
what do you call a sheep without legs? a cloud .,1,en
"What did the maxi pad say to the fart? ""You are the wind beneath my wings.""",1,en
my wife said she was watching he weight i told her to get some glasses. edit : i need some too,0,en
I didn't realize what true happiness was until I got married. But by then it was already too late. ,0,en
"If sandman had plushie, what would it be called? Sandals",1,en
What do you call a group of guys grocery shopping? Brocery shopping,1,en
"million dollar idea: nutella , but super healthy .",0,en
"What does a fish say when he hits concrete? Dam! A customer told me that joke, equipped with an "" old guys rule"" shirt and a hardy fist bump.",1,en
Whats my favourite part about helping my daughter down the stairs? When the wheelchair lands on top of her,0,en
why is it a bad idea to get in a relationship with a statue? because it's not going anywhere .,0,en
I like my iPhone yellow... So I can always remember who made it,0,en
why are birds always short on cash? because they have bills .,1,en
Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida? It was a Miami heat fan.,1,en
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? ...He braces himself,1,en
I donate money to single mothers going to nursing school. One dollar at a time,1,en
mouth but no teeth riddle q : what has a mouth but no teeth? a : a river .,0,en
What's the cobblers favorite brand of chocolate? Sneackers.,1,en
"Dad can you write without watching? Dad: yes Son: Good, can you just sign my grade paper right here",0,en
"A goose...  ...grows up, while growing down.",1,en
"People always say, ""Its the little things in life you treasure"". But whenever I'm naked, girls always laugh",1,en
Why did the spy steal the laptop? It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.,0,en
My parents once made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. To teach me about brand loyalty,1,en
People say the back of my head looks really nice. But I don't see it,1,en
"you can't believe it's not butter? buddy , almost everything is not butter",0,en
How do you paint a barn with only babies to help? You just got to trow them hard enough,1,en
What did the two gum diseases say to the one who had a party without them? Why di'n'ja 'vite us,0,en
"relationship status: married long enough to know when i hear her say "" i love you , "" she's talking to our dog .",1,en
what do you get if you cross an insect and a dance? a cricket ball !,0,en
what is even bigger than an elephant? a giant !,0,en
"What country does every one called Andy come from? Peru, because it's the home of the Andes!",0,en
"Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese? True story, it was Brie Larson. ",0,en
"When the shoe salesman offered me Velcro shoes... I said, ""Sure, why knot?""",1,en
What do you call tree sap that won't stop running? Forest gunk.,1,en
"""Say, farmer....."" Traveling Salesman: ""Say, farmer, where does that road go to? "" Farmer: ""Well, I lived here all my life, it ain't gone nowhere yet.""",1,en
"When the party host collects everyone's coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.",1,en
need experience for job. need job for experience,1,en
"why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha",0,en
"My ex asked me why I never payed attention to her I told her to repeat that again, the TV was distracting me.",1,en
"What did the shoes say to the pants? What up, britches",1,en
Vaccines are no joke My uncle got the flu vaccine... Two hours later he died of autism.,0,en
"Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company? I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.",1,en
"If a bend in a shoreline creates a large ocean inlet, but no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? ... think about it.",0,en
"Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.",1,en
my relationship is like monopoly. she gives me too many chances,1,en
Who has a long nose wears a mask and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark!,0,en
"Why does the letter ""r"" make all the difference between Friday and Sunday? payday vs prayday.",1,en
How long does it take for stormtroopers to obey Kylo Ren? Just the First Order.,0,en
"You ever hear the one about the bad meat carver? Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.",1,en
What do you get when you enter a cow into the Kentucky Derby? Milk and Bookies.,1,en
"If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write ""No DMs"" in your bio.",0,en
What's the difference between me and an orphan? My dad came back with milk,1,en
did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? they got married in the spring .,0,en
Q: What do flies wear on their feet? A: Shoos.,0,en
"There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie. But, it was already Taken.",0,en
"I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult... ...getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone... ",0,en
i find giving things a thumbs down is a very negative response. i choose to be positive and give things the middle finger up,1,en
What sound does a banambulance make? Naner naner naner,1,en
"i'm not saying it is your fault, i said i'm blaming you .",0,en
why did the monks go to the casino? tibet .,1,en
"I don't know, guys. The whole ""play dead when a bear attacks"" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with",1,en
"if you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it . or complain about it on the internet . whatever .",0,en
"Oil producers are losing money on every barrel. But, that's OK because they're making up for it on volume",1,en
When did razors get so expensive? Three more payments and I'll be able to shave,1,en
What did Batman get for Valentine's day? Mixed signals.,1,en
What's a parrot's favourite game? Monopoly!,0,en
How did people charge their phones before electricity? They didn't...!,0,en
"Oh, topical reference. You sure are about something",0,en
Why did the ghost go to the funfair. He wanted to go on the rollerghoster,0,en
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo,1,en
i always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. that way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why i eat soup with my hands,1,en
What did the insurance company say to Dr. Dre when his house was demolished? Someone's gotta pick up the Beats and pieces.,1,en
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don't know what to do with that information,0,en
What it Princess Zelda's favorite food? Hot Links,0,en
"Don't look at me like that, Barbie. We're both stuck in this playhouse. Just drink your tea. The toddler will tell us what to do next.",0,en
"A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he's thinking about something else.",1,en
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !,0,en
I thought Ali was just shaken up a bit. But I guess he's down for the count,1,en
what does a wolf cough up after eating a rabbit? a hare ball,1,en
why does a mother carry her baby? the baby can't carry the mother .,0,en
q : what's purple and goes slam slam slam slam? a : a four door grape .,0,en
Why does it take the short bus longer to get to school Because everyone on it is slow,1,en
a gardener fell from grace and forgot how she once was. so she went back to her roots,1,en
"My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?",1,en
you know why you shouldn't eat spaghetti late at night? because it'll keep you up pasta you bedtime .,1,en
What did Albert Fish like to get from McDonalds? The kids meal.,1,en
"If she doesn't scream ""YES! "" in bed... I don't know. Maybe start asking her different questions?",0,en
Why do women love Jordan Spieth? Because he came second.,0,en
"After my memory loss, I couldn't remember the other word for 'couch'.  I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.",1,en
my bathtub is just like me. shallow and not quite long enough,1,en
"When I was a kid I always got into trouble with my friends, but luckily my friend knew jiu jitsu. He was Jewish and knew how to talk to cops.",1,en
How do you make a song better using cement? By remixing it.,1,en
you can lose weight if you don't eat foods that start with capital letters. even faster if you live in germany !,0,en
"Hey baby that was best time of my life, you mind giving me your phone number? goo goo ga ga",0,en
Why was the ginger declined when he tried to sell his soul to the devil? Insufficient funds.,1,en
"What's long, straight, and found between a pair of legs? The hypotenuse.",1,en
"i was on a date with a girl and she said "" did you notice my finger nails? "" and i was like "" yes "" and she was like "" well i have no arms """,1,en
"i'm no scientist, but i'm sure that gravity is at it's strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings .",1,en
"Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too",1,en
"Just finished reading the fifth book... ...in the ""learning to count"" trilogy.",0,en
"One wise chinese man once said... If he barks, he is undercooked",1,en
What do you call... a fishing bag that's held every rod except the owners? My wife.,1,en
why did the vegetable kill himself? he didn't carrot all .,1,en
Gravity is such a disappointment. It always lets me down.,1,en
"What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood? A match made in Heaven.",1,en
"Black Honestly, I just wanted to see how the automod worked. Have a good day.",0,en
men have a basic understanding of complex ideas. women have a complex understanding of basic ideas,1,en
Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it's a nappy time.,1,en
"i'm already getting into the thanksgiving spirit, i've given the bird to lots of people today .",0,en
How do you get into a haunted house? By using a spookey!,0,en
What is a monkeys favorite candy? Rhesus species,1,en
what is something we all lost? the game,0,en
"I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers",1,en
What do gamers who switch consoles and mathematicians have in common? They both have problems finding x.,1,en
just look at the one picture i show you on my phone. don't scroll to the next one,0,en
did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden? threedots a month later he was picking his teeth,0,en
So I ran out of soap a few days ago. It feels like the most American thing I've ever done: lessening my dependence on foreign oils,1,en
"Brunette: ""Where were you born?"" Blonde: ""The United States."" Brunette: ""Which part?"" Blonde: ""My whole body.""",1,en
"i once raised a roof, and now that he's all grown up he never writes or calls .",0,en
"Man, you look beaten, one fly said to the other. Thought you'd been on vacation. Yeah, says the other, we went to Conway's kitchen.",0,en
Did you hear about the hipster compound? It's ionic.,1,en
the man who invented autocorrect has died. restaurant in piece,0,en
"miley cyrus im trying to think of a miley cyrus joke, but its just not twerking .",0,en
What stopped winter from coming? Winterfell and it can't get up.,0,en
"What did Rihanna say when asked why she was still with Chris Brown? She shrugged and said ""Beats me!""",1,en
why didn't superman rescue princess diana? because he was in a wheelchair .,0,en
if i ever have a daughter i am naming her everest. that way her boyfriends can say they mount everest,1,en
Did you hear about the new WinZip movie? They had too many cast members causing extra acting issues.,0,en
i failed my chemistry lab exam. i was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but i got sued by the fine bros,1,en
What does a Scottish cat say? Mee yew!,1,en
"you shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave .",0,en
What happened to the defeatists poker business? It folded.,1,en
what should you do if your walls get cold? put on another coat .,0,en
"last year, i had an easter egg but it dyed .",1,en
"what do you call an attractive girl in poland a tourist. or swap in poland for wherever , spread the love",1,en
"Shopping for houses, it seems like a lot of the houses in my price range need some TLC. But I don't want no scrubs",1,en
"Anyone you can do, I can do better..",0,en
Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Because that's where the mini apple is!,1,en
What do German kids play on the playground? Guten tag!,1,en
In honor of Earth Day I'm going to forage for my own food. Does anyone know what a Dorito plant looks like?,1,en
"I'm not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be tit shaped",1,en
What language do they speak in Holland? Hollandaise.,1,en
why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes? could they not hire taller dancers,1,en
My favorite music genre is a refined form of rock. Metal,1,en
Is there kitchen insurance for your wife She is tenachily property,0,en
"I have an automatic sandwich making machine Oh wait no, that's my wife",0,en
what do you call a pepper in late autumn? a little chili,1,en
"What did the quiet orange say to the noisy orange? ""Be quiet, I'm concentrating!""",0,en
Why was the programer killed by a snake? He underestimated the speed of the python.,1,en
"Hungry Hungry Hippos must get tired of eating the same thing? White spheres, again",0,en
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.,1,en
"I bought a greyhound today and my wife asked me, ""Are you going to race him?"" ""Of course not."" I replied. ""He's faster than me."" ",1,en
"On one side of me was Dwayne Johnson, and the other, a stone fish. I guess I was just between the Rock and a hard plaice",1,en
why did the kid go to school? he needed to practice his aim ,1,en
what two planets should we keep clean? earth and uranus .,1,en
How do blind people know they're finished wiping after a bowel movement? They taste blood on the TP.,1,en
That awkward girl from high school turned out so smoking hot nobody recognized her. She was only identifiable by her dental records.,1,en
How do neurons communicate? Cell phones,1,en
How do we know that Joan of Arc was French? She was maid in France !,0,en
"Every time I think I've parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it's the length of two football fields",1,en
Where do people in China buy their groceries? Pets at Home. ,1,en
Why did the clam get in an accident? He was talking on his shellphone.,0,en
"i'm opening a restaurant called "" it doesn't matter, whatever you want "" since every girl alive wants guys to take them there .",1,en
What's a kidnapper's favorite kind of shoes? White Vans,1,en
Why is thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station? It is a day to be tankful.,0,en
dear matt Damon for Halloween I think you should go as Matt Demon or Good Will Haunting. text me if you do,0,en
The best pet to own Is a pet who can pick cotton fast,1,en
"when the smoke detector goes off, it's time to flip the grilled cheese sandwich .",1,en
What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink? A slipped disk.,0,en
"What do you say when you're dead tired but happy to just lie there and get railed or ridden? The spirit is weak, but the flesh is willing!",0,en
What's the worst part about meeting your favorite superhero as a kid? The fact that he can't take away your leukemia,1,en
"i have this song in my head i haven't heard in years . i'm pretty sure it's called "" don't speak ""? on second thought , there's no doubt in my mind .",1,en
"What are some canned retorts that can be funny in many situations, like ""that's what she said"" or ""let's not and say we did""?",1,en
Q: What does a Super Star Destroyer wear to a formal occasion? A: A bow T.I.E.,0,en
In what kind of accident will you lose both your hands and your eyes? An accident you cant quite come to grips with because you never saw it coming.,0,en
drop what you're doing right now and go take a look at tonight's moon in the iphone weather app. gorgeous,0,en
what kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? yours .,1,en
What type of bee isn't so sure? A maybe.,1,en
Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep! That's what my gastroentomologist told me.,0,en
I got an email telling me that it was vegan month. I felt bad putting the message in spam,1,en
hi and welcome to hidden chair club. please find your seat,0,en
"if you can't say something nice, say it to your husband threedots he's not listening anyway .",0,en
So I ruined the employee barbecue yesterday. My boss wouldn't stop grilling me about it,1,en
how do you grow a cow? plant its nuts .,1,en
How does a mathematician get to work? He derives!,1,en
When my wife tells me to jump I have only one question. Why aren't you in the kitchen,1,en
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I'm still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down,1,en
chuck norris doesn't call the wrong number. you answer the wrong phone,0,en
"The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you use them, the soggier your cereal gets.",1,en
Why was the paper man sent to jail? He was caught rustling.,1,en
"Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.",0,en
I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive. I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision. ,1,en
My parents were in the iron and steel industry. My mother had to iron and my father had to steal,1,en
"I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry. Good heavens! Does it hurt? Only when I wind it.",0,en
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there's no point in bothering with hash browns then,1,en
why are all computer scientists such pessimists? they always worry about the worst case !,1,en
The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael They didn't have his sai's,1,en
What was the Preacher turned Drill Seargent's favorite command? Present Alms!,0,en
It must be tough to live in Europe. There's neither land nor way,0,en
dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone : do you see what you've done? i hope you're happy .,0,en
Why did Leonardo di Caprio want Steve Harvey to host the Oscars? He'd get it.,0,en
What is the difference between a carrot in a cooker and Stephen Hawking? One is a steamed vegetable while the other is an esteemed vegetable.,1,en
The worst thing about having tourettes. People are always expecting you to say something funny,1,en
My Swedish friend asked me to stop making Ikea jokes. Ikea'nt,0,en
"I saw my sister watching the show ""Dexter"" yesterday. I thought it was a pretty weird show, but then again, I have seen stranger things on Netflix",1,en
i like jokes. today good joke is i am a joke,0,en
why did jon snow go to the apple store? for the watch .,0,en
"Why do cicadas stay up all night chirping irregularly, unable to sleep? Their cicadan rhythm is off",1,en
What do you call it when you do papercrafts with seaweed? Norigami.,1,en
"i got invited to a block party recently. i show up , blocks everywhere",1,en
why didn't maria go to prom? she had no juan to go with,0,en
what does a sick bird need? tweetment .,0,en
why do we sleep? because we get sleepy .,0,en
"if you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men .",0,en
"New users will never know about the old Twitter. I'll tell them stories of it, and how I walked uphill both ways. In the snow.",0,en
"not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story ?",0,en
"movie reviews r fun to read if u imagine the reviewer is complainig abot their life: ""bad dialogue"" ""not funy"" ""why is shia labeouf in this""",1,en
I helped an old homeless guy get off the streets. Now he's in a cemetery.,0,en
"I have a pet tree. It's just like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter",1,en
"I'll rephrase the question, your honor. Sir, under whose custody did the dogs escape from?? And let me remind you that you're under oath",1,en
my wife has no hands. i feel for her,0,en
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It's the ocean! That's where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!,0,en
Texting. because men didn't have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone,1,en
I had a trumpet audition yesterday.. I blew it.,0,en
"Wife's just back from the spa, says she feels like a new woman Apparently ""Me too"" wasn't the right response.",1,en
What does permanent teeth and pulse have in common? My girlfriend hasn't got either,1,en
When is a pentagon not a pentagon? When it's intercepted by a separate plane.,1,en
why did jon snow stand in line at the apple store? for the watch !,0,en
What happens when you eat a disabled person? Your mum calls you a good boy for eating your vegetables.,1,en
"Whenever someone says ""I have a couple irons in the fire"" ...I think, ""is one of them a job writing blacksmithing metaphors?""",1,en
I decided to put certified SCUBA diver on my resume. That way they know I can handle intense pressure on the job,1,en
"float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish .",0,en
Made reservations. For the grinandbearit,0,en
"What did the undertaker say as the coffin fell out of the car? ""We'll have to rehearse that.""",1,en
What do you get when you put two mushrooms on some rice? Nagasaki and Hiroshima,1,en
"my friend tried playing pokemon go in vegas , but sadly lost his phone. all he caught was herpes",0,en
""" houston we threedots are fine. "" female astronaut probably",0,en
"Since the word ""brink"" gets a raw deal, I'm going to use it in a positive way: I am on the brink of eating a nice fruit salad.",1,en
i saw this post by a pizza boy. op delivers,0,en
What does the v in blind stand for? Vision,1,en
how would you get four reindeer in a car ? two in the front and two in the back! and how do you get four polar bears in a car ? take the reindeer out first,0,en
mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. it's going to be a long night,1,en
why do accountants make good lovers? they're great with figures .,1,en
What do male lawyers call a female barrister? A barista. Because they're only good for making coffee.,1,en
what is yellow and wears a mask? the lone lemon .,0,en
"i won the drowning competition . wanna know my secret? well , don't hold your breath !",0,en
We need to teach kids more about how to act during a school shooting The kid wasted way too much time changing the magazine...,0,en
Did you hear about the hipster with heatstroke? He got it before it was cool.,0,en
"whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on carl .",1,en
"The G string My friend always says the greatest part about playing guitar is, knowing your way around the G string",1,en
What is the volume of a pizza of thickness A and radius Z? PI Z Z A,1,en
My ex girlfriend had Strabismus.... No matter how hard I tried we could never see eye to eye.,0,en
"my husband asks too many questions. "" who is steve ? "" "" why does he call all the time ? "" "" what's this bill for a hotel room ? """,1,en
i like my memes how i like my burgers. rare and hearty,0,en
"My silent frog died. After a noiseless life and a drawn out death, the little guy finally croaked",0,en
how does a plant walk? it uses a plant stand .,1,en
i just lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire. i only have ash now,0,en
why don't they have a concert on the moon? no atmosphere,0,en
How does a designer's laugh sound like? Hue Hue Hue Hue,1,en
"i'm dreaming of getting rich like my father . wow your dad must be a rich man . no, he too is dreaming of getting rich .",0,en
I identify as an elongated fish. People say I'm mentally eel.,1,en
"My school janitor rushed into the class screaming ""FIRE!! Everybody RUN"" That was a good practice on running targets.",1,en
Did you know that today is Sean Connery's favorite holiday? Ash Wednesday,0,en
Why do most American students struggle in geography? Because the ones who skipped class survived,1,en
Lent is just No Nut November for Catholic Priests. Change my mind.,1,en
What did the predators say before they went hunting? Let us prey first.,1,en
What are Tony Montana's favourite trousers? Alpine Chinos,1,en
what do you call it when someone gets hit by a bus on his way to pay off his student loans? crippling debt ! it's funny because he can't walk anymore !,1,en
"vaginas are like weather. when it's wet , it's time to go inside",1,en
I went out last night and it was pitch Black. I never saw the automod coming,1,en
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive,1,en
my catholic grandmother told me i had to give something up for lent. i told her i'd give up lent,1,en
"Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it's a defeat",1,en
What was Bruce Lees vegetarian brothers name? Broco Lee,0,en
I just got back from the battered women's shelter. Boy are my arms tired,0,en
"Today i made a mistake while sewing. Oops, wrong thread",0,en
If we didn't have lawyers. We wouldn't need lawyers,1,en
if at first you don't succeed: try management .,0,en
What do you call a melted penny? Liquid assets.,1,en
I like battle reenactments. I wonder if they do one in Nagasaki.,1,en
I went to an art contest recently. It ended in a draw,0,en
What is the fiercest flower in the garden? The tiger lily !,0,en
My friend died when his life support failed. I got a full battery charge out of it.,0,en
husband : what do you love most my natural beauty or my body? wife : your sense of humor .,1,en
where do star trek fans work out? at the he's dead gym .,1,en
"if i ever get a llama, i'm totally naming it dalai .",1,en
What do you call a dinosaur with good dental hygiene? A flossiraptor,1,en
"what did the cowboy say upon entering the german dealership? "" audi """,1,en
"Hey guys, what's the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?",0,en
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear? Because they have electric 'eels !,1,en
"aesop: man what you did was not cool. like imagine if a fox did what you did to me, and i was a goose. that makes it much clearer right?",1,en
What is the difference between a baby with severe autism and my breakfast? I don't like my eggs scrambled.,1,en
If Wednesday is hump day. Would that make Tuesday foreplay day,0,en
What is the name of one of the Chinese gymnasts competing at the Rio Olympics? Wai Tu Yung,1,en
The snack that smiles back! Children! Well at least sometimes.,0,en
What did Snoop say Dr. Dre while binge watching their favorite TV show? Are you ready for the next episode,0,en
They say genius skips a generation. In our case it fell off our family tree and died,1,en
i just realized why my wife never posts on reddit. she always has to have the last word,0,en
"Jimmy Kimmel, Justin Beiber and The Burger King walk into a boxing mach...",0,en
have you heard of the new model of the german microwave? it seats twelve,1,en
I used to be square but then I gave my self to a higher power. Now I'm stuck in this cubical all day,0,en
wanna hear a joke? lifetime movies .,0,en
"Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles.",1,en
what's the worst part about meeting someone with parkinson's? shaking hands .,1,en
"Two lorry's crashed into each other, one containing terrapins the other containing tortoises. It was a turtle disaster",1,en
Fat Oof In the next Avengers everyone is going to come back... except for Stan Lee... ,0,en
Why are wedding in Wales so inexpensive? The brides are already dressed in white.,1,en
What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.,1,en
"i could not stop my baby boy from crying so i poured no tears shampoo in his eyes, it didn't work .",0,en
"So, a friend of the bride gives her a wedding gift... It is an Elsa mug. Why? Cause she should have let him go.",0,en
What do you call a Protestant in Greece? Unorthodox,1,en
q . why is it good to have a blonde passenger? a . you can park in the handicap zone .,0,en
me : it's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal . her : why don't you get married? me : i've never been that hungry .,1,en
what do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend? homeless,1,en
Why was Jimmy Glasscock bad at hide and seek? You could always see him coming.,0,en
"how can you drop a raw egg onto concrete floor without cracking it? anyway you want , a concrete floor is very hard to crack !",0,en
I'm worried about my friend My friend has just be diagnosed as a Polaroid Schizophrenic. It developed quickly,1,en
why was the origami class cancelled? the school folded .,1,en
"""Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"" ""To the morgue."" ""What? But I'm not dead yet."" ""And we're not here yet."" ",0,en
"gf texted me that her ex wants to get her back . so i texted, "" i care for you . don't do this "" . i'm still working on what to reply to my gf .",0,en
What do you and a diamond have in common? You can both be sold for a lot of money,1,en
I'm into perpendicular lines. I'm a bisectual,1,en
What's the difference between a banana and a bann? A bann grows on vines. I'll show myself out........,1,en
What are a terrestrial planet's favorite genres of music? Rock and Heavy Metal,1,en
I have a joke about leprosy... But it would probably fall apart at the end.,0,en
what's the difference between my kid and a car? one doesn't complain when I sell it to the local priest ,1,en
What do you use to make boot soup? Birkenstock,1,en
"The day you introduce your mom to Chuck Norris, is the day you mom introduces you to your biological father.",0,en
"Every day of the week, I teach my students a historical event through the eyes of a nursery rhyme character. So on hump day Humpty Dumpty dumped tea",0,en
you burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. it's the celery of pets,1,en
what do you call a single use phone book? the yolo pages .,1,en
What is something that can't walk but can come? Mike Hawk,0,en
I say mucho to my spanish friends. It means alot to them.,1,en
"if a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has .",1,en
So Jared Fogle was actually reported to have been spotted at a local Macy's. He heard Boys pant were half off,1,en
i took my son to the zoo yesterday. really did they accept him ?,1,en
"my internet bride got delivered today, she's the wifi always dreamed of .",0,en
"How would it be living in an only men city? I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.",1,en
"my best friend ran off to become a mime, i haven't heard from him since .",0,en
"how do people know spiders are more afraid of me than i am of them ? like, did you ask him ? because only one of us is screaming right now .",1,en
"Dear Dairy, Today I found out I have dyslexia.",0,en
What did my dad say after he asked for frozen casserole That's chili. E: dit Ok execution could be better. Any tips?,0,en
What do Dan Bilzerian and a lawn have in common? Both get hosed.,1,en
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.,1,en
"Turns out, humans aren't the only ones who have trouble with homonyms. My dog keeps saying ""rough"" instead of ""ruff""",1,en
What is living in Texas called? Survival of the fittest,1,en
"jessica simpson had her baby. apparently , kanye busted into the delivery room and said beyonce had the best baby of all time",1,en
Which musician would make a great sheep farmer? Ed Sheer 'em,0,en
What do you call the diary of a special ed teacher? VeggieTales,1,en
I'm not a doctor. so my understanding of Parkinsons is a little shaky,1,en
boy am i stuffed! i finally finished eating the bag of salt i got for christmas,0,en
"What did the ancient Greek mother say when her sons toga got torn? Euripides, Eumenides",1,en
What's the opposite of a somersault? A winter pepper.,0,en
What do you call a musicians smoke stained judo outfit? A GiTar,1,en
Why did the crayon want to be a phone? Because it wanted to be a texta.,0,en
you're like a dream. not there when i wake up,0,en
"Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?  Aisle B, back.",0,en
Why did the computer squeak? Someone stepped on the mouse.,0,en
Why was the middle aged computer sad? He had a floppy disc.,1,en
Teacher: What do you want to be when your older? Friend: an asstronaut! Me: Two feet underground.,1,en
I thought I was schizophrenic. But I talked myself out of it,1,en
Want to hear a joke? Windows vista,0,en
"A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.",1,en
"My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of ""denied"". I said, ""Indeed""",1,en
"My dad always used to say to me and my brother: ""Don't gamble, kids."" I thought, no...we'll gamble money instead.",1,en
"i'm the last one on earth threedots my diet is now peanut butter, honey please come back .",0,en
it's hard for me to believe that the new star wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. how do they even know where it's parked ?,1,en
"What does a prison always say? No Colour, No Service",1,en
So I asked my fortune teller for the best choice of a network and phone to use in this modern age He told me to use Vodafone with a Voodoophone,1,en
"china has entered the space race. in other news , the first outer space restaurant is set to be named "" the space wok """,1,en
upon what does a jungle cat write a letter? a cheetah paper .,1,en
"Guys people are sacrificing the ability to comment so they can unlock these posts. People, we should create a good amount of alts, and help this endeavor",0,en
"if you fall , i'll be there. love , the floor",0,en
what can be said about a rich man who doesn't carry change with him? he's got more money than cents,1,en
"Wife said she wasn't going to breadtfeed until after dar.. Sorry baby, today is the start of Mamadan. Edit: a letter",0,en
How does a viola greet a relative? Cello!,0,en
What band performed at the Jefferson memorial? Nickelback,1,en
What is JPA? Joke point average. Where do people with high JPAs go to? Hahaharvard,1,en
"My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework... ... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive.",1,en
What do you call a small byte? A nibble.,1,en
My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords,0,en
Happy anniversary to the love of my life. and her husband Jonathan,0,en
"i'm a morning person. then , around noon , i turn into a horse",1,en
What's Ron Jeremy's favorite shape? Erectangle,0,en
What do you call a racing horse that's never been groomed? Furlong,1,en
My internet addiction is so bad. Its alt of ctrl,0,en
What kind of photograph does Arnold Schwarzenegger take? Polaroids.,1,en
"How do you know if you've fallen in love with an apple from France? Your heart goes ""pomme pomme ... pomme pomme ...""",1,en
"I think my cockney friend is obsessed with the desert. I asked him what he thought of my mixtape and he said, ""Sand's great.""",1,en
"How To Roast A Chicken ""You have chicken legs""",1,en
"changed my computer password to "" silence "". apparently the wife doesn't know that word",1,en
what is the comeback that fits well with any argument? not a joke . just want to see funny comments .,0,en
"The Better Paleo Diet I'm on the Paleo diet, except I'm the caveman who discovered Snickers.",1,en
what do you call a dear with no eyes? no idea,1,en
"truth time : i've been cheating on my diet. with a younger , more attractive diet",1,en
"What kind of sounds does Jaimie Foxx make in the bedroom? No sound at all, the D is silent",0,en
"I'm not sure how I feel about people who are missing an arm. On one hand, they're probably nice people",1,en
DOG BALLS Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement? A: Sparky.,0,en
What's the difference between a serial killer and a man who kills in the name of God? Nothing.,0,en
I got this joke about ocular herpes. But the girl who gave it to me didn't want me to tell anyone,1,en
Her: Is my new concealer working? Me: Who said that,1,en
get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. no need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home threedots,0,en
"A astronomer friend of mine told me a space joke. I didn't get it, it was way above my head",1,en
My cousin is the highest paid man in Syria He's a Headhunter,1,en
who is the greatest author of the medieval era? king author,1,en
What does ABC stand for? American dyslexia association.,1,en
I think I might go gold mining today. Aurum just gonna stay at home and relax,0,en
Never slip on a rotten banana peel It'll rob you of your balance.,0,en
What do women in kitchen and women in bed have in common? Both of them beating down on that meat stick,1,en
"if they could, cats would correct your grammar .",1,en
why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? it ran out of juice . i shall take my leave now .,0,en
"Sometimes I order Domino's but give them Pizza Hut's address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open",0,en
"what did the red dog say to the blue dog? nothing , dogs can't speak .",1,en
what did the lobster do at the disco? pulled a muscle .,1,en
What will Steven hawkings family do?? Are they going to cremate or recycle him? ,0,en
"that old expression : "" hold the phone! "" doesn't work anymore because everyone is already doing that",1,en
Why do we still call them newspapers when most of them aren't on paper. and most of them don't contain news,1,en
"Saw that new ""Legend"" film at the weekend. It was Kray Kray",1,en
what does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? ' let us prey . ',1,en
What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common? Baristas,1,en
What's the difference between a dead furry or a dead dog Skid marks in before the dog,0,en
A woman with a lazy eye was having an affair. They said she was seeing someone on the side,1,en
The corners of my yard are all overgrown I was always told not to cut them.,1,en
what does every woman have in her panties? a career .,1,en
"according to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again .",0,en
What do you call a priest in an all boys preschool? A firm believer.,1,en
"Five relatives from Spain showed up at my door this morning. They want to stay for a week... I told her, ""I'll be returning!""",0,en
"what did the pie say when he failed a math test? "" how did i get these simple questions wrong ! i am so irrational ! """,1,en
What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made? A nut for a jar of tuna.,1,en
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I'm about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God,0,en
When someone tells me that they have no life I usually respond with this. Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Select Start,0,en
"I once played GTA V with Kobe Bryant, he told me that the helicopter mission was the most difficult",1,en
why are gold fish orange? the water makes them rusty !,0,en
What do you call an non alkaline Jewish family. Hasidic,1,en
"To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce",1,en
was the discovery of a new planet an accident? or did they planet,1,en
What do you call a small dog that can store food? Pupperware,1,en
"there are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds , and chuck norris .",0,en
You wanna hear a joke about the polar ice caps Eh there's not that many,0,en
How much equations does it take to finish a math test? Only Sum,1,en
What do you call a fashionable Japanese warrior? Glamurai,1,en
Skrillex's first job was at a supermarket but he got fired because he kept dropping the beets ,1,en
"Did you hear about the soccer match between Egypt and Ethiopia? Basically, Egypt eight, Ethiopia didn't. ",1,en
If the Starship Enterprise boldly goes where no one has gone before... How come they always meet somebody?,0,en
Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.,1,en
Me and UFOS have something in common! Neither of us look good on camera.,1,en
"If someone stole Sherlock Holmes' magnifying glass, how would he search for clues? Using watSonar",0,en
why do redditors hate ellen pao as ceo? it was the wong choice,1,en
did you hear about the native american who tried to break the world's record for drinking tea? they found him dead in his tee pee .,1,en
Columbine Erotic Novel Fifty Shades of Grey Matter,1,en
my ex wrote to me : can you delete my number? i responded : who is this,0,en
What is a quicker way to transfer money than electronic banking? Marriage,1,en
"What does the ""Q"" from ""Iraq"" stands for? Quicksilver",1,en
"Hollywood should remake ""Freaky Friday"" between a priest and a scientist. The Title should be ""Converting the Masses""",1,en
"my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called ""good""",1,en
what is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? they're married .,1,en
"A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked. ""Oh I reckon about the same as short ones! "" the farmer answered.",1,en
"so , i found three different sized socks while cleaning my room. that's odd threedots",0,en
Where are otters from? Otter space!,0,en
Question Why cant i post any pics?,0,en
"""That was mesmerizing! "" I know another big word... huge.",0,en
What do you call a God unfit for the times at hand? O Cristor Redundant,1,en
You know you're old. When your stripper has braces and you're wondering how much her parents paid for them,0,en
"have you checked on your shelves recently? you know , just to see how they're holding up",1,en
"The problem with girl scout cookies: no matter how many I eat, I always want Samoa.",1,en
Why did the peasant have poor judgement? He couldn't afford better judgement I'll be here all day folks,1,en
"You're living, you occupy space and you have mass. Do you know what that means? You matter.",1,en
"Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake",0,en
"If a tramp and a bunch of rich people are dressed the same, how does the tramp stand out? He begs to differ.",1,en
What vehicle do bicycle riders take to the hospital? An Ambulance Armstrong,1,en
Barber: What would you like today? Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!,0,en
Where did they invent Rice Krispies? Hiroshima ,0,en
my dance partner dumped me for my best friend. why ? was he a better dancer ? don't know i never met him,1,en
What do you call the military of a country run by disabled people Special forces,1,en
since it would take human contact to get ebola. everyone on twitter is safe,0,en
My family tells me that I talk in my sleep almost every night. But they don't say anything like that to me at work,1,en
What does Paul Walker and an xBox have in common? The dashboard.,1,en
"Say what you want about skiing... ..but the sports going downhill, Fast!",0,en
how can you tell if a girls tinder profile is fake? they're attractive !,0,en
i don't understand why my coworkers always complain when i microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn .,1,en
Never underestimate the power of a woman's INTUITION. Some women can recognize game before you even play it,1,en
"sitting here at starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person's noticed mine's a calculator .",1,en
q : why don't you wear snow boots? a : because they'll melt .,0,en
Dollar store light bulbs aren't only inexpensive. They save you money on your heating bill when they burst into flames,1,en
What's a narcoleptics favorite game? Hide and go sleep.,0,en
Our family couldn't agree whether to cremate or bury gran So in the end we decided to let her live,1,en
"i take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back .",0,en
what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? we're both lawyers .,1,en
Where did the kid with adhd go? Aushwitz,1,en
i told my son about the birds and the bees. he then told me about the postman and my wife,1,en
What song to snakes like to sing? Viva Aspana !,0,en
"As a Game of Thrones fan, Kobe Bryant once recruited the cast to play a charity game. But he passed on the Mountain.",1,en
"i tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks. dad loved her , but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat",1,en
"honesty is the best policy, unless you're trying to return something that you've already worn .",1,en
Why is PBS asking me for money? If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.,1,en
Which vitamin best helps a pokemon breed? PP Up.,0,en
What do you call a woman with one black eye? A quick learner.,1,en
My metaphors are like similes. Rock solid as a mountain,1,en
"""When I was your age, I invented the time machine"" I told my Granddad.",1,en
What did Haley Joel Osment find at the top of Mt. Everest? Icy Dead People,0,en
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.,0,en
"I'm at a Mexican electronics store and the clerk asked me what kind of cables I was looking for. I told him, ""Audios."" He left and hasn't come back since.",1,en
"if i were to open a dollar store in the uk, i'd call it pound town .",1,en
What kind of wolf never runs? Steppenwolf,0,en
What do you call a starting indie dev? No Game No Life,1,en
what did the rabbit say to the deer? what up doe,0,en
"What Will Come After Fuller House? Fullest House. Then, Get Out of My House",0,en
"I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday. whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted",0,en
A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily,0,en
"Did you know that American teacher that died in the challenger disaster had blue eyes? Yeah, one 'blue' that way and one 'blue' the other!",0,en
"She won't admit she's obsessed with Instagram. But her kids' names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia",0,en
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it,0,en
Accountants are very clever opponents. They are used to being underestimated,1,en
"What do Anne Frank and Voldemort have in common? Both had a diary, and neither made it out of the chamber.",1,en
Why was the alligator sad? It had a kiddie meal but didn't get a toy.,1,en
"My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE",0,en
You know what they say about hungry hippos. It was modeled after a date with OP's mom,1,en
"I met the inventor of the trampoline. He's an all round nice guy, but a bit jumpy",1,en
I told my friend he was noble. He didn't react,1,en
"What are the targets on a shooting range? Depends, are you in a school or on the streets?",1,en
what do you call gasoline that comes in first place? win diesel,0,en
happy groundhog day everybody! so put your little hand in mine and there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb threedots,0,en
I'm thinking of going on a diet. I'm going to become an egalitarian: I only eat eagles,1,en
"I think my friend's new bowl is really a colander He told me a long story about how he uses it for mixing, but it doesn't hold water.",1,en
I have a habit of standing naked in the laundry room wondering what to wear. This may have contributed to my immense popularity in college,1,en
"what's the difference between karate and judo? karate is a martial art , and judo is what they make bagels from .",1,en
"My friend didn't understand my poorly timed holocaust joke. So he asks me, ""What's a holocaust? "" And I reply ""Oh, about eleven million""",1,en
If a tree falls down in the woods and nobody is around to hear it. Then hipsters would buy the soundtrack,1,en
"Why does Harley Quinn Carries a Bat?? she doesn't want a smile on her face, she wants a dark knight that rises.",1,en
What do you call introverted hobbits? Shyer folk,1,en
What is Dwight Schrute's hometown? Nanda Parbeets.,0,en
What do you call someone who commits suicide by speeding? Skrrt Cobain,0,en
"If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That's nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows",0,en
"A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer.. You're really irrigating me",0,en
What does a Jail Cell and my Cousin have in Common? My uncle has been in both of them.,1,en
What's the United States favorite brand of shortening? San Fran Crisco,0,en
"It's all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and puffed rice. Next thing you know you're adding raisins and marshmallows. It's a rocky road.",1,en
The pack of razors didnt have a barcode on it So I used an emo's wrist,1,en
Why did Constantinople fall? Itstumbled.,0,en
"When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, BAM! I'm the most popular person in the world.",0,en
So Tiger will be back for The Masters? I was really hoping he'd wait until The Player's Championship. The man's comedic timing is terrible.,1,en
"What's common between Thor and Lord Shiva? Nothing, Thor didn't go for the head",1,en
how did the psychiatrist break his leg? he had a freudian slip .,1,en
my bike wheel really surprised me the other day. it spoke,1,en
do you like cats? me too . but i can never finish one by myself,0,en
"My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning",1,en
what happens when almonds die? diamond,0,en
"When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming at the oncoming truck like the rest of us in his car",1,en
"if your wife walks in and turns the light on while you're staring at the ceiling , make sure you yell "" my eyes! "" before she starts changing",1,en
"A guy tries to save someone's life... He goes to donate blood, but he decided not to. The doctor told him it would be in vein.",0,en
"I finally have an idol When I grow up, I really wanna follow Sulli's footsteps",0,en
Employees are rungs on the ladder to success. don't be afraid to step on a few,1,en
If we take a shower together and sing. Then we can do it while we duet,1,en
when do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? when there's a sail on it .,0,en
wanna read the worst joke ever? the worst joke ever .,0,en
where do ants go to eat? at a restaurant !,1,en
"Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer",1,en
don't just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. it's important to also watch some tv,1,en
Rumours of a food shortage. Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies,1,en
You're like school in the summer. No class,0,en
What does a trumpet player use as contraception? His personality.,1,en
"Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues",1,en
What do you call a student that never graduates? A Columbni,1,en
"i "" accidentally "" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again threedots yeah accident",0,en
I'm not a psycoanalyst. but I metacrazy once,0,en
"i would've thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but i just waited ' til it was dark instead .",0,en
"TIL Steve Harvey was the valedictorian of his graduating class. Oh wait, no he wasn't. My mistake.",0,en
"i went to the doctor because everywhere i pressed hurt . pressed my leg it hurt . my arm, it hurt . my head . turns out i'd broken my finger .",0,en
"bruce willis in starbucks. he gives his name as "" not bruce willis "" and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling",1,en
"what did the american vet did when he came to back from vietnam? "" the guns wasn't in the horse fixing resume ! """,1,en
Why is it OK for an ice company to commit fraud? Because their assets are already frozen.,1,en
My new Toyota is going to featured in a film! They call it a Camryo.,1,en
i was lucky enough to meet and have an excellent conversation with the worlds leading brain surgeon. best cab ride ever,1,en
How to console a woman who had a miscarriage? Bring back the child in you.,0,en
What type of car explodes? A Talivan.,1,en
Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned,1,en
Did you hear about the unreleased Western starring Bruce Lee? He played Squint Eastwood.,1,en
What does the high elves call Gandalf? Methrandir,1,en
what type of milk is swiss cheese made of? whole milk .,1,en
"what to hear a joke? a girlfriend threedots while the humor is dry , in this joke i fully understand that this is not something many of you will ever get .",0,en
"I remember when I was young and dad used to play ""Got Your Nose"". It was far less traumatic than Uncle Carl's game of ""Got Your Weiner""",1,en
why did bono fall off the stage? because he was too close to the edge .,1,en
She applied at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said it's all mail there.,0,en
"""What's an FAQ? "" is probably an FAQ.",1,en
Did you hear that they discontinued production on the upcoming Chevy Diode? They found it had trouble going in reverse,1,en
Why was the tree soooo happy? Because he didn't arbor any feelings!,0,en
Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before? It hurts like hail.,0,en
"i try not to beat live horses, either",0,en
why did the tortoise get arrested? because he got there before the hare .,0,en
"Remember folks, beauty. Is only a light switch away",0,en
"what did reddit say about the post that had no comments? wow , such empty",1,en
What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it? An old man yelling at the cloud,1,en
they say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. you have nothing to worry about,1,en
Im like jesus in the way that we both will never cheat Because we're both loyal to our fathers,0,en
why is a change machine easy to understand? it makes cents .,1,en
you're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts .,0,en
Today in band we played a japenese piece. I bombed it,1,en
What do you call a gigolo you don't pay? A Free Willy.,1,en
"what's in a name? a rose by any other name would smell as sweet . but , if roses were called "" herpes "" they'd make terrible valentine's day gifts .",1,en
what did one penny say to the other penny? come with me and we will make cents .,1,en
"if we become engaged will you give me a ring? sure , what's your phone number",0,en
When the Pedophilie's dream ends ... Loli 's nightmare begins .,0,en
If I get a scratch on my arm why does it hurt? What's the complex cause for that?,1,en
What do you call a group of famous people? Constellation.,1,en
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We're redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas,1,en
"New Neighbor: Hi, I'm Derek; I moved in downstairs. Me: I'm Spencer; I'll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices",0,en
"how many marshmallows does it take to get to the moon? purple , there are no bones in ice cream !",0,en
I've mathematically figured out how to make Santa real! Just multiply him by i ,0,en
what do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? a barbecue . christmas crackers are just full of laughs .,1,en
If Finn hooks up with Rey. He'll be the first Stormtrooper ever to hit something,0,en
"some girls act like heroes but ""er"" is silent",1,en
What did the Vietnamese sandwich salesman say to the unhappy mod? Banh mi,1,en
Actually finishing something you started is the most rewarding feeling ever! All you Need is rope and a good hook in your Ceiling,0,en
"paid a compliment by a coworker , "" every time i talk to you , i leave a smarter man. "" i asked where he left him",1,en
"When your iPod stops working, it floats. Because it doesn't sync",0,en
"It's impossible to say ""mesh"" without sounding like Sean Connery. Also you just tried it",1,en
I was given an essay about electricity I was ecstatic,1,en
"Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will ""change contestants lives FOREVER"". and it's a brain swap with a cow",1,en
"What does milk and woman's head have in common? I store both of them in my refrigerator, but I don't use milk as a flesh light.",1,en
Which mammal is known to spend most of it's life in air but gives birth on land? Student : Air Hostess,1,en
"i'm not very good with pets. i had a pet rock once , but it ran away",0,en
"met someone on craigslist, guess i'm dating a grill now .",0,en
"My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do. They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey",1,en
"Talking to your Urologist. ""Urine Trouble""",1,en
My painter friend died recently. He died from a stroke.,0,en
"is your name wifi, because i'm feeling the connection",0,en
"Why was the electron mad? Well, it doesn't really matter...",0,en
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta? Tagliateddy !,0,en
why did the boat dock with the all of the other boats? pier pressure,1,en
How do big yellow machinery fall asleep. they bulldoze,1,en
when does one plus one equal three? nine months later .,1,en
what did the butcher say to the cow? threedots i love you for your inner beauty .,0,en
BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.,1,en
Midget women are much less effort. Four or five digs and they're gone.,1,en
"i always say "" morning "" instead of "" good morning "". if it were a good morning i'd still be in bed instead of talking to people",1,en
"He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances...",1,en
Where do electricians get supplies? The Ohm Depot.,1,en
"i wouldn't call it ' passive aggressive ', but i do send the glitter christmas cards to the people who annoy me .",1,en
So a group of nerve cells are mingling for the first time. They look really nervous,1,en
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear... Therapist: Is this true? Me: She's right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.,0,en
Guerrero wanted the boxing match to be outdoors tn but. He was afraid of the May Weather,1,en
did you know you can just buy live lobsters? anyway can i use your shower mine is full of lobsters,0,en
which is better : blind or deaf? deaf . because the blind community can't see each other often .,1,en
"Don't worry, husbands. If something should happen to you, your wife already has the next one lined up",0,en
Why is there no depression in Africa? They're all positive,1,en
"it was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife, but eventually the assassin and i agreed on a fee .",1,en
"In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.",1,en
"I asked my English friend what his favourite summer accessory is. He said, ""Clouds.""",1,en
"Starbucks? Yes I'd like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name's Adam, but you can call me Aldin.",0,en
So i tried to impress a girl from syria by saying I too love battle royale,1,en
Why can't your wife make crispy bacon? Because she got used to your soft meat.,0,en
"listen, every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself .",0,en
Why are suicide kits so hard to sell on Amazon? They never have positive reviews.,1,en
"Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.",0,en
What do the Thailand football team and Neymar have in common? Neither of them can dive ,1,en
My nearby care home just burnt down with everyone in it. Hope the grocer's is in stock for repopulation.,0,en
"I am writing my first Buddhist musical, ""Hello Dalai. Lama""",1,en
What's a catalyst? It's how a farmer keeps track of his cows.,1,en
"hey , smiling strangers. no thanks",0,en
why is it called a funny bone? because its humerus !,1,en
i always get burnt during summer time. i would go under trees but they're a little shady,1,en
How do you know that William Wallace is normally distributed? 'Cause he has infinite degrees of FREEEEEDOM!!!,0,en
I took a picture of a wheat field today... It came out pretty grainy.,0,en
My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos. I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food,1,en
"Strip search? ... OK, but I'm going to need some background music.",0,en
"If green gummy bears are strawberry flavored, what is the flavor of yellow gummy bears? PHLEGMon",1,en
"Logarithms. are musical, because they're all about that base",1,en
"I asked an alien if they let their women drive the spaceships. He said ""Yes if it's on autopilot""",1,en
"her : is breakfast almost ready? me : yeah , i just have to drain the sausage . her : can't we please wait till after breakfast for that",0,en
What do you call a man who used to like tractors? An extractor fan!,1,en
What did the bee to the other bee in summer? Swarm here isn't it !,0,en
"On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction. As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway",1,en
I got dressed. I'm a changed man now,0,en
I accidentally bought a broken Nintendo console I had to get a Wiifund,0,en
What did a lemon with a lisp say to the juicer? Thtop taking the pith out of me!,0,en
"Theres a Chinese saying, your parents scold you because they love you. My parents scolded and sent me to the orphanage. They must've love me alot.",0,en
what do you call a teacher who's always late? mr bus,0,en
"I used to listen to old Mitch Hedberg recordings. I still do, I just used to too",1,en
Atomic Bomb Joke Some people can the nuke that hit Japan the Fatman. I call it the rice cooker.,1,en
"What's the most electrifying city? Coulombus, OH",0,en
"don't you love nature, despite what it did to you ?",0,en
why does repost always get to the top? threedots most people reddit before,0,en
Why did the art thief's vehicle run out of fuel? He had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh,1,en
"Life is like a video game Most of us play on easy difficulty, some on medium, then there is Africa playing on hardcore.",1,en
"Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chic is you.",0,en
what do you call soup that you've found a hair in? rabbit soup : d,1,en
"Remember, it's not a real paleo diet unless you're eating mammoth every day.",1,en
"i recognize that rome wasn't built in a day but i'm not trying to build rome, i just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight .",1,en
i've had my phone battery die at a family function. nothing scares me now,0,en
"Something is always going on in the kitchen, but you never know whats cooking till the end when you eat. Is that why they call it the final supper",1,en
"i used to hate the stockholm syndrome after a while however, i realized that it wasn't too bad after all .",1,en
what to do you call an old dentist? a bit long in the tooth,1,en
small girl : i'd buy that dog but his legs are too short ! clerk : too short? why all four of them touch the floor .,0,en
A woman was packing her kids lunch When they went she realised she accidentally put the wrong bag as she called out to the mosque,1,en
"gift horse "" my gums are bleeding. "" dentist "" well this is a professional dilemma threedots """,1,en
What do you call a mexican protein? Amigo Acid,1,en
what is the difference between an art student and a dead baby? the dead baby can feed a family of four .,1,en
I always support my half brother in everything Just because he doesn't have legs doesn't mean he deserves less than everybody else.,0,en
"things I'm passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.",1,en
"Did you hear about the King who got killed during a torrential downpour, and his only heirs were pets? It's been reigning cats and dogs ever since",1,en
You can eat all the Curry you want... Freddie is eating more Curry! Sorry,0,en
"There's been lots of ""OH MY GOD! "" screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn't pick now to be praying.",0,en
"If the human race has a ""signature move, "" its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.",1,en
"Honesty is an important part of parenting. That being said, I'm going to tell my kids that McGruff the Crime Dog is a dog that loves crime",1,en
"If Brie Larson married Alison Brie, her name would be Brie Brie.",0,en
"Do you want to hear a powerball joke? Sorry, odds are you won't get it.",0,en
i'm in trouble with my wife after she asked where i was taking her today? it seems that over the coffee table was not what she wanted to hear .,1,en
What is religious favorites food? Chop Suey,1,en
"lame joke i was going to post an old joke, but then i realised that most of you had already reddit .",0,en
"you should really start thinking before you speak threedots and while you're at it, you should also think before you think .",0,en
"if your apartment is hit by a dolphin , do not go out to see if the dolphin is okay. that's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside",1,en
Q: How do small people call each other? A: On microphones.,0,en
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.",0,en
i am really feeling like a bicycle today. too tired !,0,en
"if you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank",0,en
I guess you can say Stan lee couldnt escape thanos snap,0,en
"Women's deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine. Men's deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst",1,en
"we had to put my horse down. after he escaped from the barn , the veterinarian said he was too unstable",0,en
What type of rock do you find in the shed? Shedimentary!,0,en
"climb mountains not so the world can see you, but so you can see the world .",0,en
"What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy? ""The sky's the limit for you"".",1,en
"I misspelled ""marriage"" and Auto Correct changed it to ""mirage. "" What do you know that I don't, Auto Correct?",1,en
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who's late for something,0,en
what do you get when you plant a loaf of bread? a bakery .,1,en
my black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. guess i should check the dryer for cats before i start it,1,en
"Calling off work. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.",1,en
What did the exponential equation say to the linear equation? Real graphs have curves.,1,en
why are fish good astronauts? They love trouter space!,0,en
Men are like curling irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair,1,en
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!,1,en
What do you call Muhammad Ali after he eats lots of beans? Gaseous Clay,1,en
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs.,0,en
"I once dated a girl who wrote mystery novels It didn't last long, her handjobs always ended with a surprise twist.",1,en
What do you call a person who points out the obvious? A person who points out the obvious.,1,en
"Roses are red, Violets are violet, My name is Mohammad, And I'll be your pilot",0,en
What would you call Usain Bolt if he was a spongebob squarepants fan? The cash slinging dasher ,1,en
Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival? ...They're calling for a Lil Wayne,1,en
"it's not about how she looks, it's all about how she looks at you .",0,en
I forgot that kristen Stewart was in still alice That's okay because so did alice,0,en
"Whenever my grandma comes to visit and I hear a loud thud from upstairs, I go for a coffee and think about the cool stuff I just inherited.",1,en
"""Could you eat scrambled eggs even if you had no saliva? "" and other things my wife did not want to talk about at brunch",1,en
q : what can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? a : a thought .,0,en
"When I was an altar server, my priest was transferred to another diocese. It was a load off my back",1,en
Why are so many plants transgendered? Because plants have less stygma to stamen.,1,en
how do you know if a catholic girl puts out? ask her about her relationship with her father,1,en
"what's the similarity between a spanish prison and leonardo dicaprio? now , both have an oscar .",0,en
"The best part of the birthday notifier on Facebook is, I meet people that I didn't even know were on my friends list.",1,en
how is microsoft like bob marley? i do updates before i do updates . and then i do updates .,0,en
"Jewish Joke About Warm Weather . Dude. It was so hot, I swear that I'd convert to Christianity for the Baptism.",1,en
My brother died in a school shooting. The teacher took his gun.,0,en
what did the disappointed smoker get for christmas? clothes but no cigar threedots,0,en
"wife and i made a deal . she gets to keep hair on her legs, and i get to keep my opinions to myself . baby steps .",1,en
flirting is dangerous business. one wrong move and you're committed,1,en
I hate proof reading. I like to think that whatever I wrote the first time around is already perefct,0,en
What did the band director say to the misbehaving kid? You're in treble mister!,0,en
"Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.",1,en
"There was this rock trowing competition, it was the hardest one in town.",0,en
"What is the fish that climbed the tree say? ""How are you fEELing?""",1,en
wanna go on a picnic? alpaca lunch .,0,en
I bet it really confuses poor Forrest Gump to see Lt. Dan on TV solving crimes in New York,0,en
"when i was in high school , i was part of the french club. we didn't really do anything , but every once in a while , we'd surrender to the german club",1,en
car's favorite dance? brake dance,0,en
my friend saw stevie wonder walking down the street when she went to california! i don't think he saw her though threedots,0,en
I failed no nut November Why do I have to live right next to a school?,0,en
"ugh, i was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she'd be home .",0,en
My friend broke his leg couple of months ago No he seriously broke his leg ,0,en
"What's the craziest ""would you rather"" scenario you've ever heard? Time for some new ones, the classics are getting tired...",1,en
What turns itself off when it's turned on... Guys called Jack.,0,en
There was a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial,1,en
Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!,1,en
How big was osama bin Laden's hard drive? One terrorbyte.,0,en
What kind of car does a pirate drive? Toyota YARis,1,en
What's a great thing to do in Fresno? Leave.,0,en
what bee is good for your health? vitamin bee !,0,en
"Barney Rubble's previous wife was very weak Which might explain why she was called ""Vulner"".",1,en
what's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? a hunter lies in wait . a fisherman waits and lies .,1,en
why do groups of cows not like new music releases? because they've herd it all before,1,en
"What's a wavelength's favorite animal? A lamb, duh!",0,en
"sorry i can't pay my rent this month, i bought an apple at the airport .",0,en
Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test? Fred: Yes Mum I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.,0,en
Today a tragedy occurred: a gardener died You could say he threw in the trowel,1,en
"they asked what was my dream position turns out, "" doggie style "" is not the correct answer .",1,en
Why are people still using a dictionary? I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.,1,en
One day a man met three beggars. To the first he gave a dime to the second a dime and to the third a nickel. What time was it? A quarter to three.,1,en
I named my new puppy Carona. I feel like I'm making a difference when I beat it.,0,en
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him,0,en
"I love to play Russian Roulette, but everyone says I'm playing it wrong I use the Glock just like I'm supposed to",1,en
Why Did the Italian Go to the Sauna? For a self'a steam.,0,en
What do you call pieces of calcium found at the bottom of the ocean ? Jack Dawson,1,en
"Supposedly Adam Ant has been trying to impress Robert Plant for years... ...everyone knows Adam Ant doesn't move Robert Plant, but he's got high hopes.",0,en
Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.,1,en
why did the lights go out? because they liked each other .,1,en
"Some people say it's not what you know, but who you know. I say it's not who you know, but whom you know",0,en
"When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, I told her that I really liked flatbread. It was a naan sequitur.",1,en
"This Summer, I've been grilling on the roof of my apartment. The steaks have never been higher",1,en
"my friend had amnesia and couldn't remember how to walk up the stairs, so i had to go back and teach him step by step .",0,en
what kind of musical instrument do mice play? a mouse organ !,1,en
"So I was applying to be a time machine technician. There wasn't any openings right now, but there may be in the future",0,en
My wife konmari'd the house today... Does anyone have a couch I can crash on?,0,en
My cremated aunt used to give great advice. She always told me that you have to urn your place in life,1,en
"i signed up today for a college american fiction literature class , apparently it was a really popular class. it was lit af",1,en
""" are you okay? "" me anytime i meet someone named annie .",0,en
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field? He trained. ,1,en
What is the similarity between Jesus Christ and a rose? Both were covered by thorns.,1,en
"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse stirred",0,en
What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer? The Netcracker suite.,0,en
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday. Never seen a man cry like that before,0,en
How come XXXTENTACION Died? He was past his eXpiration date.,0,en
What did the second guy in the three way say to the first guy? Thanks for the lube,0,en
There was a fire in the aromatherapy candle factory. Things are much calmer now,0,en
"as i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i remind myself that you can't always trust google maps .",0,en
What do Beethoven and the hiphop artist Lil'Jon have in common? What?!,0,en
what did earth say to the sun? my life revolves around you !,0,en
"I'm reading this amazing novel called ""Dictionary"", I'm only halfway through but I'm pretty sure the Zebra did it....",1,en
What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used? Your mom.,0,en
Wanna take a look at some exotic properties ? Open the links below,0,en
What's a mouse's best friend? Curiosity!,0,en
What do a woman and a washing machine have in common? You don't need consent to put your load in them,1,en
ME ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!,0,en
"I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...",0,en
I asked Chester Bennington how it was hanging. He didn't respond.,0,en
the new pope sure lives up to his religion. his roamin around all over the place !,0,en
"My dear, departed animal companion. Although no longer with me, your name is now immortalised as part of a password I use on many websites",0,en
What did Picasso and Smurfette have in common? Both had blue periods.,1,en
What do you call a boat that gives you nothing but trouble? A woe boat.,1,en
What does my final exam and my suicide attempt have in common? I failed them both,1,en
a lot of schools are back in session. remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate,1,en
a lot of people are talking about usain bolt. i guess it's a running joke,1,en
What's Forrest Gump's favorite diner? Dennays,0,en
"When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.",1,en
What do you call a james bond film about a calculator? Casio royale,1,en
What's the singular form of 'werewolves'? I am a wolf,1,en
"I heard somewhere that. You only remember things that you read, is that true",0,en
"What did PSY say when he choked on a burger? Whop, Whop Whop Whop Whop ... Whopper Gangnam Style.",1,en
What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him? HIYAH!,1,en
"One time the top popped off my blender when I was making a smoothie. So... Yeah Iceland, I get it.",0,en
What is your favorite thing the new iPhone can do? Mine is distract me from my own mortality,0,en
"I was thinking of buying the black iPad mini. Apparently, it runs faster",0,en
what profession does it take to screw in a light bulb? driver,1,en
"when the hostess at the restaurant says "" table for two ? "", i always like to look surprised and whisper "" you can see her too ? "" .",1,en
"Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster.",0,en
My wife is a food engineer For me mainly,1,en
"My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.",0,en
I'm not too concerned about this whole terminal illness deal. My doctor said it should be the last thing I worry about,1,en
why are you laughing? my dentist just pulled one of my teeth out . i don't see much to laugh about in that . but it was the wrong one !,0,en
What do you call a missing shape? A polygone!,1,en
"whenever i see a new couple on a date i walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy "" you're wife sarah says hello "" .",1,en
A mathematician stole a bike to get a tan. It was a sin cos tan. ,0,en
If you stand by the sea... ...it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.,1,en
In know what comes after I. Just Kidding,0,en
"What's the difference between princess Diana and a caboose? A caboose isn't followed, and it usually makes it through the tunnel.",0,en
"I'm not a beach, but shore. Cheesy and overused, but always makes me laugh",0,en
my Playstation got stolen. i have no one to console me,0,en
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense of humor. try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes,0,en
"What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to do his own surgery? ""Suture self!""",1,en
Why didn't Beethoven sell his house? He put it up Fur Elise!,0,en
"i'm impressed with my mom's commitment to saying the word ' the ' before every noun. example : the walgreens , the aids , the fox news , the adele",1,en
Need relationship advice! I'm trying to get my wife into role playing but she gets really upset when I suggest she be played by Emma Stone.,0,en
I'm glad humans don't do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn't want to tell people I'm Germish,1,en
If all 't's were silent... ...we'd never hear the end of it.,0,en
Why would the prison bakers not give away their loaves for free? Because they were bread in captivity.,1,en
Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class? They stained it with mud.,1,en
"you can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "" cheat days "" when you can eat as many as you like .",1,en
I used to own a car that never seemed to run properly. It was a brokeswagen,0,en
why does isis drink instant coffee? because they hate french press !,1,en
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Madeleine McCann,0,en
"as a man, i honor christopher columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions .",1,en
Want want to to see see links links that that aren't aren't important important?? Look look below below.,0,en
what do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? stick,0,en
"Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.",1,en
Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.,1,en
What do you call that lever on a desk chair that adjusts lower back support? The Lumbar Jack,1,en
"What did a man say after a chiropractic treatment? ""I stand corrected.""",1,en
What is the difference between Digg and Reddit? People can Voat.,0,en
"a guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks how long till he can get a haircut . the barber replies, "" about another half inch . """,1,en
I messed up my foot pretty bad. The doctors said it would take a while to heel,1,en
"the answer to the question, "" do these jeans still fit "" depends on whether or not i actually have to sit down at any point .",1,en
"if someone ever asks you for advice just reply with "" buy a penguin "". imagine a scenario where that isn't awesome",1,en
q : what do you get when you play a new age song backwards? a : a new age song .,0,en
"Wierd way to flex, but ok Weirdgardium flexiosa but ok... The Leftout Guy",0,en
How does a patient in a vegetative state breathe? Through photosynthesis,1,en
How did the potato get back from the party? It booked a Tuber.,1,en
"let he who is without sin throw the first stone. after that we'll go by who has the birthday closest to today , then by height",1,en
"Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan",0,en
What soup weighs the most? Wanton soup. I'll leave now.,0,en
"Blood's thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.",0,en
What do you call it when a plant used TV Tropes? A TV Tropism.,1,en
What do you call paddling down a river of skim milk? white water rafting.,1,en
Why was the Rastafarian poor? Because he was jah bless,1,en
"that awkward moment when you don't know what to do with your life when you leave the computer, so you just get back on .",0,en
"How did alien defeat predator? ""Hi, why don't you have a seat right over there please..""",0,en
"Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.",1,en
men are like department stores. their clothes should always be half off,1,en
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting. I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located,0,en
"I asked an Australian to greet me. He kept beating around the bush saying ""I might""",1,en
why aren't you doing very well in history? because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before i was born !,1,en
"A man fixes things If a man says he will fix something, he will! There's no need to remind him every six months...",0,en
What do calenders eat? Nothing. Calenders are inanimate objects that are used to keep track of the date and important events.,1,en
rip boiling water you will be mist. edit : awesome my gold cherry is gone !,0,en
"I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.",0,en
what did han solo say when leia asked for help with a crossword clue? i don't know,1,en
What kind of shoes do therapists wear? Issues.,1,en
What do you call a sterile fruit? A cantaloupe.,1,en
"Not now, kids. Mommy's boiling the Easter bunny",0,en
How many tickles does a Japanese school girl want? Tentickles.,1,en
Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines,1,en
So can anyone give me a reason why any comment on my posts gets deleted Well with how the others went down probably not ,1,en
"what are your hobbies? Mmm... Sam, Bilbo and Frodo.",0,en
"Christmas with the family While I greatly enjoy the presence of their company, I prefer the company of their presents.",1,en
"I love Huggies diapers Because,it keeps the babies dry, Just how I like it",1,en
"What did the Eskimo say to his wife when she suggested a threesome? ""I'm Inuit."" Credit goes to R. Ebeltoft.",1,en
always remember that the key to a happy marriage is to use those three magic words. you're right dear,0,en
"Desi Videshi SMS and Jokes Find and Read funny, hilarious desi videshi SMS and jokes. Enjoy your time",0,en
I fell asleep on a tanning bed. Now I'm out of my grandfather's will,0,en
Michael Jackson had alot of good songs. But his best ones were when he was in A Minor,1,en
"I was awake all night 'cause my neighbor was listening to dubstep... ...and I was lying there, waiting for the other beat to drop.",0,en
Why does the Pope kiss the ground when he gets off his plane? You would too if you had to fly Alitalia.,0,en
"When is the only time a ""B"" is better than an A? When the word super is in front of it.",1,en
What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore!,1,en
What do you get when you cross an Indian smoothie with a rescue dog? Mango Lassie,0,en
"plot twist : i knock on jehovah's witnesses doors. "" i'd like to talk to you about modern science """,1,en
i feel like a crushed coke can on the sidewalk. soda pressed,0,en
"you never really know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it'll last. snow , maybe",0,en
"twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account .",0,en
next year big pixar movie for kids: follow the journey of a single tear down an old womans face as she learns her grandson died in a fire,0,en
"First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote ""like an onion"". Can you clarify?",1,en
"What has ten letters and starts with gas? ""flatulence""",1,en
I love playing chess with a hot girl... ...Get to check her a few times before mating her.,0,en
"I always found the movie ""The Exorcist"" confusing. It made my head spin",1,en
The Farmer was careful to monitor the ratio of roosters to chickens He was trying to control ova population. ,1,en
"What's the best part about showering with a ten year old girl? When you get her hair wet and slick it back, she'll look like she's eight.",1,en
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing,1,en
"go to target for shampoo. end up leaving with a blender , new pajamas , a couch , four kids and a car",0,en
"a man was about to jump off a cliff threedots threedots and before he jumped he said , "" i'm doing this for jesus christ! "" i think he took a leap of faith .",0,en
How much is a haircut during lockdown? Free on the NHS.,0,en
What kind of lotion does a bullfighter use? Oil of Ole',1,en
whatd actually happening in this subreddit like what,0,en
What do humans and desserts have in common? No one likes the very rich ones.,1,en
"a man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train , so i left my shoe behind. and now , we wait threedots",0,en
Spent all night being teased by Medusa. Now I'm hard as a rock,0,en
What's the difference between Pope John Paul II and Madeleine McCann? The pope died a virgin,0,en
why did the electron go to jail? he was charged with battery !,0,en
I just went to see a presentation by a very charismatic frog. He was riveting,0,en
i like magic so much that i got married. just to watch the fun out of my life disappear !,0,en
Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.,1,en
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game They both only have two fans,1,en
how do bees get to school? by school buzz !,0,en
What's the worst part about being in love with a watermelon? Cantaloupe,0,en
Why can't redditors sew? Because the thread has been locked by a moderator,0,en
"A buddy of mine quit his job at the paper mill, He said the conditions were tearable.",1,en
"Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker? Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.",1,en
"How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates? It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.",1,en
What is written on Ronald McDonald's gravestone? McRIP,0,en
"When you mount a gun rack above your desk, it's surprising how many PowerPoint presentations you simply don't have to see.",1,en
I met a cute woman at the bank today I couldn't tell if she was into me or just wanted my money.,1,en
ever hear about the box that was coming down with something? it was coffin,0,en
am i supposed to know my own blood type? i don't even know what types of blood there are,1,en
q : which way did the programmer go? a : he went data way !,0,en
Robocop is my favorite actor. How come he was never nominated?,1,en
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my wiener in a car exhaust pipe,1,en
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it's gone,1,en
"Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, ""feminine scent"" and ""feminine odor"" are perceived differently. You're welcome.",1,en
i've just got back from a funeral of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball. it was a lovely service,1,en
i spy with my little eye. a kid terrified with my literally little eye,0,en
what's the difference between the stock market and women? with the stock market you can only lose when you pull out .,1,en
Would anyone like to be my companion? Asking for a friend,1,en
"STDs are like pokemons. To be cool, you gotta catch 'em all",1,en
These twins I knew in high school both got mono. They got stereo,1,en
what comes after the third car? the ford car .,1,en
What do you call a computer that is running slow? Restarted.,0,en
Why Marriage is Difficult Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings. and lawyers,1,en
"A man with Schizophrenia says: ""I used to be Schizophrenic... but now we're better.""",1,en
"What did the bacterium do when its sibling stepped on its toe? ""My toe sis!""",1,en
How many sides does a pentagon have? Jet fuel can't melt steel beams.,1,en
Fox is good on Final Destination. but Fountain of Dreams is where he shines,0,en
"In the movie Titanic, how did Rose stay afloat? With her back on the driftwood and her legs on Jack.",1,en
"when a newly married couple smile , everyone knows why. but when a fifteen year married couple smile every wonders why threedots !",0,en
"I will gladly eat anything I find in a fridge unless you put your name on it, in which case I will be full of guilt and shame when I eat it.",1,en
how does a bass player turn off the lights before bed? he closes the car door .,1,en
What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has? Baby kangaroos.,1,en
"Cashier: haha that's a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh Me:... Cashier:... Me:... Cashier:... Me: yep",1,en
can a hamburger marry a hot dog? only if they have a very frank relationship !,0,en
What do you call a broken detective? Good at his job,1,en
How do you add two numbers at the top of Mount Everest? Just summit.,0,en
"i didn't ask for a sweet roll? oh , sorry , i thought you had said , "" synonym bun "" .",0,en
What do catholic priests and Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven have in common? They both play in A Minor.,1,en
I used to be terrible at Valentines' Day too. But then I took an arrow in the knee,0,en
what do you call ham that feels better? cured ham .,1,en
"when a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately .",0,en
Why isn't suntanning an olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.,1,en
how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? depends on what tune the devil happens to be playing . ha . ha ha . ha ha ha .,1,en
So Arnold Schwarzenegger opened a pest control business. Because he was already an Ex Terminator,1,en
Your actions speak louder than words Especially if your mute,1,en
Wanted: Coronavirus volunteers Must be willing to work for exposure.,1,en
what did you do for mothers day yesterday? mothers day is this upcoming sunday .,0,en
never end a tweet with a question mark. people will talk to you,0,en
Why dont Demons fear oxidation? Because there's no rust for the wicked,0,en
Why did the former fitter turned baker enter the lottery? To win dough.,1,en
a man walks into a search bar just kidding. no one ever does that,1,en
"This summer, while visiting Europe, I had a blast in Florence. She seemed to enjoy herself too",1,en
What's the difference between a frog giving a speech and the worst thing Netflix has ever done? One is Ribbit Ribbit the other is Reboot Reboot.,0,en
men don't know what it's like to give birth but women don't know what it's like to have children you may not be aware of. let's call it even,1,en
"i introduced my mouse to my keyboard today threedots it was awkward at first, but then they just clicked .",0,en
What's the difference between someone who can mend your pants quick and a famous singer? One of them is a swift tailor.,1,en
What's a terrorist's favorite game? Jenga,0,en
how can you get four suits for a dollar? buy a deck of cards .,0,en
"every now and then i like to do a complete check of my financial situation. yep , still nothing '",0,en
Hey baby do you shop at Aldi? Cause you'll love Aldi's nuts.,0,en
What goes zzub zzub? A bee flying backwards !,0,en
I started writting an autobiography but I gave up. Story of my life,1,en
what's the difference between a Lamborghini and herpes i dont have a Lamborghini,0,en
I used to hate my job moving air around. But now I'm a big fan,1,en
til that there is enough oxygen on earth to cover the entire planet! how crazy is that,0,en
Which wrestler's weakness is the rain? Dwayne Johnson,0,en
"two scottish cows in a field , what one is on holiday? the one with the wee calf .",1,en
why bother drinking water? you're just gonna pee it out . this is what big water doesn't want you to know .,0,en
What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor? He was Robin.,0,en
"Why was the schwa bad at giving speeches? He said ""uhh"" way too much.",1,en
"i'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but i keep falling asleep .",0,en
"Tip: ""At the same time"" has more characters than ""simultaneously. "" The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder",1,en
Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of? He'd been unarmed and defeated,0,en
"I told my neighbour Mohammed that I found a large arachnid in my bath. ""What's that? "" he said... ""It's a big white thing we wash our bodies in."" I said.",1,en
"the only thing scarier than getting a call from an unknown number, is when that number doesn't leave a voicemail .",0,en
""" how far have you gone with a girl? "" "" i went to canada with my mum once """,0,en
"You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.",0,en
"Hello all, I have the ground type safari. Someone please add me, I'm looking for the older generation",0,en
This funeral I went to today was so boring One person was sleeping literally the entire time ,0,en
There's something different about Caitlyn Jenner but I just can't quite put my finger in it,0,en
who's bill cosby's favourite disney princess? sleeping beauty,0,en
What do scrambled eggs and a miscarriage have in common? They are both scrambled unborn fetuses.,1,en
tip of the day: when there's a will threedots find a way to be in it !,0,en
"did you know helen keller is on the back of the alabama quarter? "" no , and i bet she hasn't heard about it . "" "" she probably hasn't seen it either . """,1,en
"today i'm cancer free! and all the days before that , but it still counts .",0,en
has anybody seen my keys? theyre awesome .,0,en
Where do Texans go when it rains? The roof of their houses,1,en
"life is just a series of people giving up on you til your body gives up too but yeah sure, i'll bring my famous guacamole to the baby shower",0,en
What does Mark Wahlberg eat for breakfast? Funky Bunches of Oats,1,en
bisexual: the ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find .,1,en
"When a friend asks you to keep her pregnancy on down low, you say Mum's the word",1,en
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.,0,en
"which is better a stool or a box to stand on? you stand on a stool , though i prefer the ladder",1,en
You know what ruins a meme? A miner spelling error.,1,en
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.,0,en
The closest I have come to seeing Transformers Is when I go to the comments of posts on this sub and watch as the automods role out,1,en
"q : how do you sell chicken to a deaf man? a : hey , you wanna buy some chicken",0,en
What did the carpenters call their brass quartet? The Tuba Four,1,en
"sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push .",0,en
what do you call a black brick with three holes in it? a polish bowling ball .,1,en
What's the similarity between my baby and my living room? Both are at room temperature,1,en
why can't two even numbers be together? the odds are against them .,1,en
is anyone. is anyone else excited for the season finale of America on Tuesday,0,en
There are two types of people in the world: Those who like pastries. And those who donut,1,en
"If what we are doing here is art, then my Tweets could be classified as kindergarten finger painting.",0,en
what's the difference between training wheels and training bras? i need two hands to remove training wheels .,1,en
What's John Lennon's favorire article of clothing? A wifebeater,0,en
"even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out .",0,en
"Dairy farmers are always complaining about the wages they get paid. To be honest, I think they're milking it",1,en
I like my society like I like my cappuccino. White at the top.,0,en
Why do people from Alabama get obsessed with clocks? Because time is relative.,1,en
"Ground control to Kerbal III, how willing would you be to share your proximity to the equator? We have zero inclination.",1,en
"Can you say your strengths? ""Your strengths"" No like what are they ""My legs maybe"" No, like for work ""Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication""",1,en
What do Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and Keith Richards have in common? They both made habits fashionable.,1,en
"I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.",1,en
What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future? Earlier Ron and then later Ron. ,0,en
"i don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks i get when i take my plunger .",0,en
Why was Jon Snow so successful at basketball? he knew where to put it..,0,en
"why is there only women's studies in college , but not men's? because we call men's studies history .",1,en
Why would no one listen to the percussion section? Because they couldn't drum up enough support.,1,en
What Japanese cities does every American know? Hiroshima and Nagasaki,1,en
"""look, if it's no fancy dress then the funeral invite should have specified no fancy dress. And besides, your aunt loved minions""",0,en
"follow your dreams , do what you love , and you'll never work a day in your life! because they're not hiring in that field .",1,en
"a scientist walks into a bar and seems depressed . the bartender asks "" what's the matter? "" the scientist replies "" everything is matter . """,1,en
"I broke up with her. Her name was ""anti gravity"" and she would never ""go down"" on me",1,en
"In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs.",1,en
What do you call not investing in a bank in this economy? Dodging a bullet,1,en
How does Frodo make his own food? Through Frodosynthesis,0,en
"Welcome to the hotel. Your room has a queen sized bed, dresser and nightstand, all of which you will have to move to find the one outlet",0,en
"there was a competition in the park today , who could go the longest without sitting or laying down. i was outstanding",1,en
"My wife's a biology teacher... This morning she asked how I wanted my eggs. I told her, ""Ovariesy.""",1,en
how did godzilla get the job opportunity? some say he had a foot in the door threedots and the window threedots and the wall .,1,en
Boss: Where were you on Friday? Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...,0,en
How does Sherlock Holmes go to the bathroom? OC By process of elimination.,1,en
"i leave the interview room as i entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed .",1,en
"How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.",0,en
George Floyd is like old PC towers. He has a bad airflow,1,en
"you can't teach an old dog new tricks. you can't teach a cat anything , ever",0,en
What do you tell a girl named Shelby when she's in the living room? You Shelby in the kitchen at all times.,1,en
did you hear about the dog who went to the flea circus? he stole the show .,0,en
when it comes time to claiming kids on your income tax. hood rich,0,en
What do you calla person that inherits a lot of money? A millionheir.,1,en
"i kept pulling the string from my christmas hat and now its half the size oops, wrong thread",0,en
"The worst moment for an insomniac is that flutter of realisation that you are falling asleep, which smacks you wide awake again.",1,en
"if i worked at a pizza place i would use pepperoni to spell out "" marry me? "" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples .",1,en
which dog eats with its tail? all dogs keep their tails on when eating .,1,en
"a man falls in love with a nun and they run away together threedots the church says it doesn't mind, as long as he doesn't get into the habit .",0,en
"Why did the atom stick around? Cuz if he split, the situation would have gotten blown out of proportion.",0,en
i saw a man drinking brake fluid. but then he stopped,0,en
man found dead in chicken coop. fowl play suspected,0,en
"when i was young our phones didn't have internet, they had snake !",0,en
Why are posts locked? Because the mods want us to feel what it's like being in a closet.,1,en
"in my next life, i'd like to come back as one of those girls who "" forgets "" to eat .",1,en
"Not to brag, but sometimes my wife telling me about her day takes longer than the day she's telling me about.",1,en
What is the name of a taxi service for bears? Ubear.,1,en
how do you know you're in a modern art museum? if you need to ask if the bench is an art piece .,0,en
what do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? mortgage freeman .,1,en
What do you call a fasting horse? A fasting horse.,1,en
"""I'll never let you meet our baby!"" yelled my girlfriend in a heated argument. ""Neither will I,"" I replied, pushing her down the stairs.",0,en
"microsoft word just suggested that i change "" you're "" to "" you is "" so yes, i am very very afraid of what the future of education holds .",1,en
"What is the common trait between men and snow? You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.",1,en
What do all Yale and Harvard students have in common? They got into Yale.,1,en
What did Justin Verlander finish on Friday? Kate's back.,0,en
"a man orders a pizza . the waiter asks him : "" do you want your pizza cut in six or eight pieces? "" the man replies : "" six , i dont think i can eat eight """,1,en
What does a Mexican dad say to his son Nacho Daddy,1,en
What happens when your leg gets bigger Your knee grows ,0,en
"guy says : is this seat empty? girl says : yes , and this one will be too if you sit down .",0,en
what stops your hair from falling? the floor,0,en
How do you make a water bed more bouncy? You use spring water.,1,en
how do you get to a position of power in a science lab? work over time,1,en
What's the difference between a foster kid and my meat? I only beat my meat twice a day.,1,en
"I know I'm gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up",1,en
I like my women like my Pokemon. Ready to trade.,0,en
I go to a muscular dystrophy support group. We meet weakly,1,en
why did richard leave his home this morning? for harambe .,0,en
"some people say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat",1,en
her : why do you hate every single hugh grant movie? me : i love love actually actually,0,en
Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common? ... A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.,0,en
my brother told me i have the body of a god. buddha !,0,en
"china has a population of a billion people. that means if you're a one in a million , there are still a thousand others exactly like you",0,en
This is more of a game than a joke Can we see how many downvotes we can get for the first person to comment 'lock'? Thanks,0,en
What is the perfect type of music to listen to while fishing? Something catchy,1,en
The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age? Cremation. ,1,en
What does a Pokemon baby say to his dad in Star Wars? Waba Fett,0,en
"if i melt dry ice, can i swim without getting wet ?",1,en
Did they send me fathers? When I asked for nuns?,1,en
What do you call a female student? Public property. ,1,en
Why do I keep stealing joke? Must be because I switched to dark mode.,0,en
what did the dog take when he was run down? the license number of the car that hit him .,0,en
What do you call a beaten up pretzel? A salted pretzel,1,en
"What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D.",1,en
"While escaping from the police, what did one bug say to the other? You butterfly!",0,en
How many dead babies does it take to confuse a blond woman? to get to the other side....,1,en
"Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet...",0,en
God created the light. Then he called it a day,1,en
"I was only young when I learned to count....... I was only young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then.",1,en
what do Mike Tyson and outdoor patios have in common? They're both roofless.,1,en
i'm no longer with a girl because she lied about her weight. she died in a bungee jumping accident,1,en
i just got fired from my job at the fruit market. i was driving people bananas,1,en
"how many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb? doesn't matter , just use the jet fuel instead .",1,en
If her age is on your hand She's ready for the van,0,en
"Can strawberry jam? No, but lemon curd.",0,en
Who's a good example of a Swedish Spaniard? Per Ejemplo.,0,en
"cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with lebron won't be like before .",1,en
"Time to be creative. I'll give you the punchline, you give me the joke! A dresser without drawers.",0,en
There's nothing more awkward than. There's nothing more awkward than throwing a surprise party for a psychic,0,en
he drank the entire bottle of olive oil? olive it .,1,en
"Some days, Mos Def only feels Mos Prob.",0,en
What do you call a transformer in a canoe? A row bot,1,en
"How do you call a friend, who was roasted A strip loin",1,en
"After a long search, I finally found the French cologne I was looking for. It was hiding behind the American cologne",1,en
"So I taught my Grandad how to use skype. Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke",1,en
"mom , have you seen my turtle? your friends took it outside to play . they're cracking walnuts .",0,en
"so mrs lincoln threedots besides that, how'd you like the play ?",0,en
what did the ancient romans use to cut their hair? caesars .,1,en
Engineers What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.,1,en
My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room But I said no way that's overkill. So we compromised and now there's a Christmas tree in every room,0,en
TDIL: Why Arizona gets so hot. Because they don't observe daylight saving time the heat of the day is compressed into fewer hours,1,en
I saw a strange man at the pool today. He said his name was Bill Yurds.,0,en
"What do you call a dead body and two planks? A ""Build your own Jesus"" kit.",1,en
Stephen Hawking was actually British if you didn't know Yeah a bit hard to tell since he lost his accent,1,en
"anytime i'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door , i always say , "" did you bring the lube? "" as loud as possible .",1,en
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents. My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!! Me: Then don't do it,1,en
You know what really brings out the child in me? A miscarriage.,0,en
who do canadians call when their car breaks down. triple eh !,1,en
"i quit my job today! the money from that nigerian king arrives tomorrow , i'm so excited .",0,en
"changing the world. everyone thinks of changing the world , but no one thinks of changing herself",1,en
how to pick up a woman at walmart. very slowly and team lift with your legs,0,en
"Despite the large variations in ambient temperature, how do warm blooded animals stay warm? By definition.",1,en
"I tried planting some seeds on myself. I wasn't into it at first, but now it's growing on me",1,en
"i'm a slow runner unless i think i left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case i'm usain bolt .",0,en
"Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I'm like, that's so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I'm more fun than I actually am",1,en
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !,0,en
How did the programmer finally get laid? He had some great comments.,1,en
"i do this amazing trick where i can erase every restaurant from your memory. ready ? ok , here goes threedots "" where should we go for dinner ? """,0,en
"schrodinger's joke. it's funny and not funny at the same time , until you tell it to someone",1,en
Why are bears so hairy? They don't have salons in the jungle !,0,en
"The way I see it, each lap I make around Costco's frozen food section should work off each sample I get from the ice cream sandwich lady.",1,en
The secret to a good date is to leave them wanting more. tell them you're going to the restroom but then go home instead,0,en
q : why does everyone hate a banjo right off? a : saves time .,0,en
Who is the drummer for the Mexican Beatles? Gringo Starr,1,en
"A German tourist walks into a pie shop on Fleet Street in London And tells the lady behind the counter, ""I would like to become a pie. "" And so he did",1,en
"neighbors across the street have their christmas lights up, so i invited them to my easter egg hunt this afternoon .",1,en
"there may be no excuse for laziness, but i'm still looking .",0,en
"RIP Jimmy Saville, lest we forget, forever in our hearts and the mouths of children ",0,en
Have you heard the old Chinese proverb about the importance of teamwork when repairing lamps? 'Many hands make light work',1,en
What do you want on your tombstone? pepperoni and cheese....,0,en
in what state will you find the most cows? moo york !,0,en
What cereal do snowmen have for breakfast?  Frosted Flakes,1,en
a bunch of nba players decided to have a holiday party. they each brought a pass to dish,1,en
"why is everything lying on the floor? my mom asked gravity , i replied .",0,en
"Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster. ""I don't understand it! "" He said. ""They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,""",0,en
"pokemon go servers yeah, that's it .",0,en
What did the Ents yell as they attacked Isengard? Ambush.,0,en
Chuck Norris once broke wind so hard. it couldn't be fixed,0,en
What is an Italian with Alzheimer's favorite espresso drink? Affogato!,0,en
"What do you call an unvaccinated child? Nothing, the parents don't want to get too attached",1,en
i just seen a prius try his time on a quarter mile at the drag strip. ill update when hes done,0,en
Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists,0,en
what do you do when you see a flock of seagulls? you run . you run so far away .,0,en
Define the lecturer Teacher to Student: Can you define the lecturer? Student: A lecturer is person who has bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping.,1,en
How do you buy a dishwasher With a wedding ring,1,en
The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam. Aced it,1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cellar ! Cellar who? Cellar. No I think she can be repaired !,0,en
why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? for hare care .,1,en
why were screams coming from the kitchen? the cook was beating the eggs .,1,en
"between ikea and burger king, i think it's safe to say we've all eaten entire horses by now .",1,en
mom and dad are in the iron and steel business. she does the ironing and he does the stealing,1,en
I knew I'do have to close the podiatry clinic I had opened in Paris. I smelled defeat,0,en
i try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. just in case they're in the middle of a race,1,en
What dark jokes and my daughter have in common? I use them whenever i have a chance.,1,en
"bikini season is just around the corner. unfortunately , so is the mexican restaurant",1,en
Scientists say they are working on bringing back the wholly mammoth. But at what cost? ...per pound,1,en
"thats one giant leap for mankind, and also a giant leap for puppies. scruffy keep your helmet on",0,en
"I've been single so long, I don't remember how old I was the last time I had a girlfriend. I can't even get a carbon date",1,en
What do you call a psychoanalysis game show? Family Freud,1,en
"A tangent applied for a credit card, but was denied. He couldn't find anyone willing to cosine",1,en
My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot. But that's what makes me such a fun guy,1,en
"i used to own a motorcycle shop , but i had to sell it. i was always two tired",1,en
"Every Saturday is like an episode of CSI. I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did",1,en
Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom.,1,en
What do you call The Bear who loves philosophy? winnie the Philosopooh,1,en
Little girls are like the Wii Everyone has one in their back closet somewhere and are usually only busted out at parties.,1,en
my salad for lunch is missing one key ingredient which would make it perfect. donuts,0,en
"what did the nihilist say to the physicist? nevermind , it doesn't really matter .",1,en
"i use to know a classic rim shot joke, but threedots umm tiss",0,en
why are goldfish crackers always smiling? because they're baked threedots,0,en
what do you call a man that marries another man? a minister ! courtesy of a patient .,1,en
What do you call a badly cooked beef? A misteak.,1,en
Where do male army priests live? On Chap Lane.,1,en
what do you get when you run over geese? goose bumps,1,en
I'm having an increasing fear of New Year songs. Must be Ole Langxiety,0,en
"My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it",0,en
"the best gifts in life will never be found under a christmas tree! those gifts are friends , family , kids and the one you love",0,en
"The wood necromancer thought he had the upper hand when he trapped the clerics in his log cabin. But all too soon, the tables had turned",1,en
"when a man gives his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason .",0,en
Q. How did a blind woman drive herself crazy? A. Trying to read a stucco wall.,0,en
"The Conservation of the Letter R Everytime a Bostonian ""pahks his cah in the yahd"", a Texan warshes something",1,en
"What does Micheal Jackson say to a kid sitting on his lap? ""There is a great singer inside you.""",1,en
"atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin. one prefers to use its head , while the other relies on tales",1,en
"I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings",1,en
"Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme? Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.",0,en
What is the opposite of a straight camp for teens? The Navy!,1,en
"Dear Abby, I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication",0,en
what did the optometrist give helium? a pair of noble glasses,1,en
Q: What does a cat say when he likes something? A: It's purrrfect.,0,en
"Knock, knock. Who's there? Alan Rickman and David Bowie. Alan Rickman and David Bowie who? Alan Rickman and David Bowie have both died recently.",0,en
What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people? An icebreaker,1,en
why did the chihuahua laugh? the cow jumped over the moon .,1,en
what kind of tree likes a high five? a palm tree,1,en
My grandpa told me they already played 'Cut the Rope' back in the days. It however wasn't with Om Nom but with Tyrell. ,1,en
My best friend came to me and asked if i knew my buddys wife was having an affair would i tell him? I said not if i didn't wanna get caught.,1,en
What is the first derivative of a cow? A prime rib.,1,en
"Me: I can't live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier. Also Me: I couldn't decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both",1,en
"At my age, a new driver's license doesn't have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven't Expired On date",0,en
"What does a doctor say to the new father of a stillborn child? Close, but no cigar.",1,en
Why did the bees build the hive? It's in their beehavior.,1,en
"bras come in sizes a , b , c , etc . so what's the biggest bra? the zebra .",1,en
I visited the Linville Falls yesterday. It was gorgeous.,0,en
Why do beta fish fight each other? Because they're trying to figure out who's the betta fish,1,en
My three favorite things My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.,0,en
What's Fermat's favorite topic in Mathematics aside from his theorem? Fermatation.,1,en
"Tip for twitter newbies: Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.",0,en
"Why is a Lamborghini like a young child They are both hard to get into but once you do, you have the time of your life",0,en
This year I'm giving out a Halloween treat every child loves: some stern advice.,0,en
why do elephants hate flying? the seats are too small .,1,en
have you heard the me neither joke? me neither .,0,en
Shooter I went to see the new joker movie over Yom Kippur because I realized all the shooters will be at the synagogues.,1,en
What do you call someone with spasms and bladder problems? A twitch streamer.,1,en
"what do you call orange juice that looks like apple juice , but tastes like orange juice? juice jenner . i'll be here all week",0,en
Q: What kind of suit does a bee wear to work? A: A buzzness suit!,0,en
"If I were Amish, I'd have to convert to Pmish cause I'm not a morning person.",1,en
She left me alone in the house with Cupcakes cooling. Rookie mistake,0,en
What's the difference between a sausage dog and a market trader? One bawls his wares out on the street...,1,en
what is the most searched word on bing? google .,0,en
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels. I'm the spokesperson,1,en
how many dubstep fans does it take to catch a fish? three . one to fish and two to catch the bass as it drops .,1,en
Why do tampons have strings on them? So you can floss when you're done eating ,1,en
"My dishwasher makes this loud rumbling sound. Strange thing is, it only seems to happen at night, when she's sleeping",1,en
"So if you eat what you like and don't exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter. I'm really not seeing the down side here",1,en
"Today marks my tenth year driving trains Finally, you can call me a superconductor.",1,en
why are dragons so tired? because they fight knights !,0,en
I have decided to write all of my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in Tokyo,1,en
"What did the hotdog say to the bun?  Listen buddy, i'm going to be frank with you.",0,en
"hey people that twitter says are "" similar to me "", where do people like us put our car keys ? ! ? ! ? !",1,en
Smartphones don't prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature. I just walked into a tree,1,en
I was disappointed after I won the grand prize on the game show last night. It was for a year supply of calendars,1,en
What happens when you confuse lubricant and plastic glue? Your Warhammer figures fall apart.,0,en
I would make a joke But its too dark to see,0,en
Why did the man purposely pour liquid soap on the ground? It takes longer to clean up,1,en
What do you call an owl escapologist? The great Hootini,1,en
What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods? Darth Deciduous,1,en
I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond. It's a chemical agent,1,en
"no means no , unless she's dyslexic. then it's on !",0,en
"What does Taylor Swift say when going down a slide? Weeeeeeeeeee, are never never never, getting back together.",1,en
I left my girlfriend because she used to demand for unrealistic things... Last time she asked for rights.,0,en
my girlfriend is not allowed to go on vacation. if she wants to travel she better pick up a basketball and start walking around the house !,0,en
what changed to make the fantastic four the fantastic three? nothing .,0,en
doctor i have a ringing in my ears. don't answer !,0,en
"did you know yesterday was national middle child day? don't worry , no one else remembered either .",0,en
How are women like swimming pools? They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.,1,en
what did jesus say to the flock of sheep? i herd that .,1,en
what do you call bees on halloween? boo bees,1,en
"my cat complains when i drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind red lobster "" just for a second "" whenever he drives .",1,en
Why did Stephen Hawking not make it to heaven He couldn't get up the stairway to heaven,0,en
what do you call an unusual rabbit? a rare hare .,1,en
What do you call chow mein cooked in tomato sauce? impasta,1,en
"As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what's stuck to the ceiling.",1,en
"I like my fractions with me on top, and a common yourmominator on bottom.",0,en
A study found that farmers who talk to their cows get better milk. In one ear and out the udder.,1,en
i like my women how i like my internet. fast and cheap,0,en
I bought a frying pan with a face on it. Anyone know the best way to remove makeup?,1,en
What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie,0,en
My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more. I was knot helping.,1,en
"Life is like a cup of coffee. No matter how much sugar you put in it, there's always grounds at the end",1,en
I may be redundant... but at least I'm redundant,0,en
What's the most difficult instrument for a percussionist to play? a conundrum,1,en
why go to college? there's google .,0,en
The waltz is one of the classic dances from Europe. So is Ring Around the Rosie.,1,en
Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines,0,en
"Dear Cereal Makers, Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?",1,en
What do you call a goat that likes cheese with their pasta? Maaaac,1,en
how did the burger wear it's hair? in a bun .,1,en
What do you get when an Investment banker jumps off a cliff? A Con descending Altitude.,1,en
"what's great about living in japan? well , the flag is spot on !",1,en
"I just saw Ex Machina. I thought it was supposed to be about AI, and not just about women",1,en
when is a bicycle not a bicycle? when it turns into a driveway .,0,en
"my boss got hit by a car while i was on my way to the wishing well so yes, i do have some spare change .",0,en
"I dread doing laundry as if I didn't have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing",1,en
what's the most popular game to play in jail? smash brothers,1,en
What a great day. Automod said this subreddit! No joke nor bamboozle ,0,en
why do you keep going back to that fishing website? i can't help it i'm hooked .,0,en
Why are libraries so strict? Because they have to go by the book.,1,en
What do mathematicians read for fun? conics,1,en
Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week,0,en
why is e the only good letter? because every other letter is not e !,0,en
how can you tell a dog from a tomato? the tomato is red .,0,en
What do you call a group of Rhode Islanders? A traffic accident.,1,en
"""Is there a Mr. Fields? "" I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she's all mine.",0,en
What do you guys think is the most annoying misspelling of a track and field event? Discus.,1,en
"when i was a younger man girls used to "" check me out "". now women just "" keep an eye on me """,1,en
"if others are jealous, you're doing something right .",0,en
"Downvote or you're a mod Yeah, thats it.",0,en
Is Santa Clause real? Because the zero's on my bank statement are.,0,en
What does the last man on earth watch on tv? reruns,1,en
"At a restaurant a girl asked if I was single, I happily said yes She took the other chair.",1,en
What do you call it when someone comes to your house and takes all your pottery? Home Depot.,1,en
what is it called when an exchange student goes to malaysia? euthanasia .,1,en
"i met my wife while on holiday. which was awkward , as i'd told her i was going to a funeral",1,en
"a queen bee is hungry . she calls to a worker bee for some food . the response? "" i'm coming , honey ! """,1,en
Short people are very perceptive and logical. They always get to the bottom of things. ,1,en
Why did the entrepreneur decide to go into the landfill business? He heard it was a growing field.,1,en
"A doctor asked another doctor, ""What was the oddest thing you did in your whole career?"" Transplant",1,en
My blind friend went to Home Depot. he picked up a hammer and saw,0,en
Pro tip: Puncture your blow up doll half way through a session. That way it feels more natural... Like she is fighting back. ,0,en
What do you call a confused gnu? A bewildebeest.,1,en
"if you're gonna take the high road , wear a skirt. i need something to look at from the low road",0,en
"It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means. Jesus was a repost",1,en
"Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.",1,en
"The new iPhone should come with a bigger box. that way when you buy one and can't afford to pay rent anymore, you could live in it",0,en
How is Sandusky like a tortoise? He gets there before the hair...,0,en
We'll We'll We'll...  ...if it isn't autocorrect...,0,en
"I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over! This relationship is what? Over.",0,en
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn't have an answer,0,en
Google won't replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water,1,en
Why did the feminist accuse her teacher of misogyny? Because he'd D graded her.,1,en
Have you heard of the hysterical TIE fighter squadron? ... lol lol lol lol ...,0,en
What do you call a disabled still born??? A misscabbage,1,en
Do you know what the secret of encouragement is? Of course you don't.,1,en
why was the hula hoop a great boxer? it could go round for round .,1,en
"I was in a job interview. The guy said, ""What's your biggest weakness? "" I said, ""I'm a great listener.""",1,en
i don't have add. it's just that everything is more interesting than what i have to get done,1,en
Why did the horse go behind the tree? To change his jockeys.,1,en
What is long and black The line at KFC,1,en
"I'm going to talk to my broker today about cashing in some of my stocks. And by that I mean, ""taking all my change to the coinstar machine""",1,en
What do you call a ceramicist with a beard? A Harry Potter,1,en
"can't believe jesus was born on christmas and died on easter , what are the odds? still , he accomplished a lot for a four month year old .",1,en
"Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident",1,en
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle,1,en
Talking about planets with my nephew. He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas,1,en
"What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.",1,en
What did the teacher do with the student's cheese report? She grated it.,1,en
What do you call a guitar with an extra string? An autistic guitar,1,en
"it's ok apple users, i just woke up and found a surprise nickelback album on my blackberry .",0,en
never play poker with a pieces of paper. they're bound to fold,1,en
"I am the Michelangelo of writing research papers. He started the Sistine Chapel ceiling the night before it was due, right?",1,en
"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.",1,en
Mr Circle went to go see a doctor after being stabbed. The doctor said his blood loss was very sphere,1,en
What is Jesus' favorite mathematical operation? The Cross Product,1,en
"How do you pronounce ""nihilism? "" It doesn't matter",1,en
My muslim niece came to America and had a birthday party The candle wasn't the only thing blown,1,en
How do you stop a Lion from charging? have a successful dentistry practise.,1,en
what nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer? a fair cop .,1,en
what is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? one knows the stops the other stops the nose .,1,en
have you heard about the latest polish parachute? it opens on impact .,0,en
I think I love my girlfriend. But I need to ask Rudy Guliani to be sure,0,en
mrs. bigger liked telling everyone her newborn baby boy was a lot bigger than she was threedots but he was really just a little bigger,0,en
"As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say ""just not in my hair""",1,en
What do you call a bell wearing a tutu? A bellerina !,1,en
What McDonalds item was just taken off the menu? The McMiller,1,en
Why Nissan Sunny? Is there Nissan Rainy,0,en
have some self confidence mexican restaurants. take that hamburger off the menu,1,en
The happiest person I know is a lubricant salesperson. I guess you could say they don't have a lot of friction in their life,1,en
"whenever i call my husband to wash the dishes , i am reminded what a great lover he is. he never comes quickly",1,en
I stayed up late last night to watch the greatest boxing match of all time Ali vs. Parkinsons,1,en
What did the Indian man name his sandwich shop? New Delhi :D,0,en
What is the similarity between women and peppers? They get hotter when chopped into pieces,1,en
I'm not saying that I'm a terrible cook... ...but for how long should you grill pasta?,1,en
"Wasn't doing much, so submitting a funny link on reddit.. You are doing that too much. Try again later.",0,en
"What's wrong with a joke containing Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium? It's CoRnY",1,en
I could try taking matters into my own hands. But it just doesn't do it for me,0,en
Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars? Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic.,1,en
why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you .,1,en
"if you could travel the world with only one person , who would that be? dora . she has like everything in her backpack .",0,en
Why did the relationship between the creationist and Organic molecule not last? Because the creationist did not believe in carbon dating.,1,en
"if you want to make god laugh, tell him your future plans .",0,en
Last night last night a girl kept pounding on my hotel room door. finally i had to let her out,0,en
"Of his generals, who did Hitler think was the least funniest? Hermann Boering!",0,en
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? Second girl: No it's imagination.,0,en
"i went to the supermarket to buy some ingredients to make soup, but they were out of stock .",1,en
"In comedy things don't age well Except for Michael Jackson jokes, much like his victims they never get old. ",1,en
"A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something",0,en
"I met this cute Inuit girl but I didn't know what to say, so I just said something funny. It was an icebreaker joke",1,en
i dated a woman once. most confusing twenty minutes of my life,0,en
What part of the fridge do you keep the gene edited baby in? The CRISPR,0,en
"Oh, no! I only have fish eggs for dinner again! Roe is me!",0,en
i didn't want to walk in the woods. but i was forest,0,en
How do you see that a linedancer came from Belgium and not from the Netherlands? He wears the cardboard box on his boots.,1,en
how do you make a plumber sad? you tell him that the princess is in another castle .,0,en
Why is craving karma points ironic? Because it's pointless.,1,en
"when she gives me her autograph I love it when she signs the restraining order without dotting the i with a heart, playing hard to get I see!",0,en
How do you assemble a computer? Bit by bit.,0,en
how do you know its noon on an apple watch? the screen stays black when you check the time .,0,en
That group of millionaires owned by that one millionaire is beating that other group of millionaires owned by that other millionaire. Yes!!!,0,en
How are children like pancakes? You always end up throwing the first one away. ,0,en
"Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded. at how gullible people on the internet are",1,en
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar's UP. That old man really loved his house,0,en
People say I'm quite contrarian. But I disagree,1,en
"what did peter rabbit say to his girlfriend when they broke up? "" now you're just some bunny that i used to know . """,1,en
"The key to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you're golden",1,en
Where does Christian Grey make photocopies? FedEx Kinky's,0,en
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window? He liked to feel the draft coming in. ,1,en
"her : isn't she your girlfriend? me : no , no , no , i broke up with her two days ago . she just hasn't checked her voice mail yet threedots",0,en
"siri , where did i go wrong? siri : how long you got",0,en
What do you call a chica on the go? Chicago,1,en
How does a pirate greet a sea monster? What's Kraken,0,en
"My credit card was stolen yesterday. Not sure if I should report it, the thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does",1,en
"What's the difference between a farmer and a soldier Here in Vietnam, there isn't one",1,en
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name... ... it was Anonymoose,1,en
"If you LOVE something, set it free. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang",0,en
"Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty",0,en
What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme!,0,en
"It's been so hot lately, so I finally got a new AC. and i nicknamed it DIRK cuz it's so clutch against the heat",0,en
Clueless shark. Why did the clueless shark keep swimming in circles? A : It had a bleed on its tail fin.,1,en
What do you call someone that steals shoes? A sneaker.,1,en
what does a doughnut have in common with a nut? they dough nut have anything in common .,1,en
Relationship Status: changing locks,1,en
"If you type in ""google"" in google search, it shows you pictures of your grandkids",0,en
"If A is for apples and B is for bananas, what is C for? Plastic explosives.",1,en
"Thanks to School, I Now Eat Two Meals a Day... ... breakfast and dinner at home.",1,en
What is a down syndrome persons favourite food Their shoulder,1,en
"we always hold hands. if i let go , she shops",1,en
What kind of money do they use on superman's home planet? Kryptocurrency,0,en
"Anyone know if Hallmark makes a ""Sorry about your miscarriage, but it was my first time playing Bocce Ball"" card?",1,en
What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common? Neither can finish a play.,1,en
What's the quickest way to make nine million dollars? Date Simon Cowell.,0,en
don't hate every single one of your friends yet? get facebook .,0,en
How did Copernicus become the first Polish astronomer? He was the first one in the country to look up.,1,en
"CPR is a lot like church... CPR is a lot like church: you go up, down, up, down, up, down. The only difference is that you don't get snacks in CPR.",1,en
"aww , you "" only wish the best for your exes? "" that's cool , i lie about things too .",1,en
my sister went on a crash diet. is that why she looks a wreck ?,1,en
jill : how did you find the weather on your vacation? bill : i just went outside and there it was !,0,en
What type of humor did the heart attack survivor like? Offbeat.,1,en
"I'm not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!",0,en
"Engineers: ""okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it""",0,en
what side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers? french flies !,1,en
""" yoda , are we supposed to be here? "" "" off course we are . """,0,en
Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don't jump right in. Heart: CANNONBALL!!!,0,en
"Even if the world is full of negativity there is always a man who stays positive,his name is Earvin 'Magic' Johnson",0,en
"if you can't find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge .",0,en
Did you hear about the homemade poison ivy remedy? You can make it from scratch.,0,en
why were all roman buildings made of stone? they crucified the carpenter .,1,en
"me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES",0,en
what's the art of having multiple personalities? acting,1,en
doctor doctor i can't concentrate one minute i'm ok and the next minute i'm blank ! and how long have you had this complaint? what complaint,0,en
"did you hear about the rock and roll fishmonger? they sell skate, mackerel and roe.",1,en
What do you call it when a guy cums during BDSM? Heavy whipping cream,1,en
"what do you mean mom, how could my birth certificate be expired ?",1,en
Why do mosquitoes always leave an orchestra performance before it ends? Because the standing ovation can be quite deadly to them,1,en
How can a blind person tell if they're home? They check the architexture.,1,en
judging by the mess in the living room. babies don't bounce,1,en
"why do they call boats "" she ""? because the wives had to get on board somehow .",1,en
What do you call a hanging spike of ice that swings for both teams? A bicicle.,1,en
"A nun wakes up late for church.... She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, ""Is mass out? "" He replies, ""No but your hat's on crooked.""",1,en
"i asked my heart why i can't sleep at night? heart replied "" because you slept in the afternoon , don't act like you're in love """,1,en
what kind of key opens a casket? a skeleton key .,0,en
Me and my wife were thinking about having a baby Can anybody suggest me a good resturant where they serve it fresh?,1,en
Did you hear about the man who cut his own head off after the Academy Awards? He was Leonardo DiCapitated.,1,en
"You're not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person's name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook",0,en
The one place you don't want to move to. is any place with a thriving funeral buisness,0,en
"And on the seventh day God said, ""the American version of the Office should have ended when Jim asked out Pam""",1,en
what do you call it when a woman of the church goes on a secret mission? nun of your business,1,en
Insert joke here Insert punchline here,0,en
"I told this girl that I was an architect. It's true in a way, since I now have to design an intricate web of lies to back it up",1,en
"buddha : all life is suffering me : alright dude , chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes",1,en
"love is fun, but it's not going to pay the bills its a lol",0,en
"In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.",1,en
How do you cut the sea in half? With a seesaw.,0,en
My truck handles great. the amount of G's it can pull in a corner is only limited by the amount of rope,1,en
"me : i've read the bible cover to cover her : yeah ? prove it. m : how ? h : what is the first sentence in it ? m : "" do not remove from motel """,1,en
do you know why the guy who picks up medical waste from the vet drives a car shaped like a dog bone? he likes to drive the dog's nuts .,1,en
"Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to ""ruff it!",1,en
So it turns out I'm incapable of describing my feelings. Can't say I'm surprised,1,en
"Did you hear about the guy who fell into a waterhole? Well, it's a deep subject.",1,en
Did you hear why Rosemary was always late? She had nothing but thyme ,0,en
Be that Shopping Cart with the bad wheel. Go in your own direction no matter how hard someone try's to push you in theirs,0,en
"and god said , "" let there be light! "" chuck norris says "" say please """,0,en
"I got a cold the other day at the airport, but I'm okay now. I've survived a terminal illness.",1,en
What does Mozart put on his front lawn? Metrognomes,1,en
"I haven't eaten since last year, so why haven't I slimmed down?",1,en
"BOSS: Don't just stand there. ME: Bust a move? BOSS: What? ME: Nothing, I'll go make some copies",0,en
A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy. But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it's a time to grieve,0,en
what's the most reliable thing about a honda? it's theft rate .,1,en
"I have AIDS but I don't think it's contagious , I haven't heard anything back from any of the women I slept with.",1,en
How do you say goodbye to an Indonesian? with a big wave,1,en
You know what's more believable than Keanu Reeves as a doctor? ANYTHING.,0,en
A new teacher asks for some advice on how to keep special needs children motivated in school... Have you tried flavoured windows?,0,en
What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America? Antiquing.,1,en
What's the difference between a ruble and a dollar? One dollar,1,en
Why Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron. Maybe Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron cause he's trying to stay low key,0,en
"I told my dad that I was having trouble getting all my homework done. So he told me, ""if you wait til the last minute, it'll only take a minute""",1,en
"Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house",0,en
What is the worst kind of tea? Reality.,0,en
Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven? A bannister always pays his deafs.,1,en
"If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one...?",1,en
What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script? Speechless,0,en
These quad copters just can't seem to leave the news. The media and hobbyists just keep droning on and on about them,1,en
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.,1,en
Cop: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything.,0,en
Someone asked me if I went to church as a kid. Does the basement count?,1,en
why did the engineer drive the backwards? he had a loco motive .,1,en
did you hear about the wooden horse? no tale .,0,en
My favourite African TV show? That would be Meal or No Meal,1,en
teacher : if you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have? pupil : a fight !,1,en
thought of this while making dinner want to hear a joke about location? nevermind . you had to be there,0,en
doctor doctor i keep thinking i'm a snowman. doctor : keep cool !,0,en
How do you make soup from a computer? It's easy; just throw in a couple of Boolean cubes.,1,en
To the people who have birthdays this week. your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day,0,en
"I thought I'd lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.",1,en
Why did the banker resign? His customers lost interest in him.,1,en
A broom only likes one brand of comedy. Dustpan,0,en
"Starbucks job interview: ""What's your name?"" ""Alyssa"" ""Spell that please"" ""L A R I S S A"" ""When can you start?""",1,en
"What did the Chemist have with his Eggs? Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen.",1,en
I love taking care of animals That's why I work in a kindergarten,1,en
What do you call a trans person fixing a car Transmission,1,en
My horoscope said that I won't get along with Cancer. Nether do people in hospice care,0,en
"Someone stole your tiny Stradivarius? Aw, poor baby, I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you. It's, uh, a different one. Gotta go.",1,en
Why is 'secret' such a popular password on Brazzers? You can type it with one hand.,0,en
"""Found"" a nest of ground bees and got stung multiple times. But I was able to remove all the stingers. So yes, my pullout game is strong.",1,en
Reddit is so dark right now. That it went to night school and got counted absent,0,en
where do puppies go when they die? back into the microwave so i can get in another round .,0,en
"i have been single so long, i can finish my own sentences .",1,en
stress? don't talk to me about stress . some of my favorite tv characters are currently in truly sticky situations,1,en
why do warriors make bad business men? they charge too much !,0,en
Q: Did you hear about the professor that got in a horrible wreck? A: He was grading papers on a curve.,0,en
"Do you know what's the nicest thing someone has said to me? Please, I'm only seven. ",0,en
"What's common between a Catholic priest and a school rickshaw drivers? They both tell children to ""sit on it"".",1,en
What a weekend. trying to get the courage to look at my credit card statement from last night,0,en
What happens if someone steals uranium?  It becomes theiranium.,1,en
"even if there is nothing to say, that hasn't stopped some people .",0,en
"Olympic wrestling is the only time there is a ""Clean and Jerk"". in every other case, it's the other way round",1,en
What's an electrical engineers favorite flavor of ice cream? Shocklate.,0,en
why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along? they only run a skeleton service .,0,en
Im surprised Mayweather can hug so well. despite all those domestic abuse charges,0,en
The reason why the current season of GoT is not so good as the last one. because my wife said so,0,en
"according to the stores . i should be in a halloween costume, sitting under a christmas tree eating turkey . i'm so confused .",1,en
From my handwriting identification skills. I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year,1,en
i turned down a free meal at the steak house yesterday. it was a missed steak,0,en
What do you call a striped bra? A zebra.,1,en
What do you call a drowning Marine? a Submarine,1,en
If Chick fil A and Five Guys ever merged. they could call it Five Guys fil a Chick,1,en
Don't go broke trying to look rich. act your wage',0,en
Is it safe to visit the forests of Germany? I heard there could be a baum.,0,en
What do you call the smallest Superman in the world? .. Quark Kent.,1,en
"Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.",1,en
"Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said ""Go forth and multiply""? They couldn't they were adders !",1,en
"if you know how many calories are in your donut, you're not eating it right .",1,en
Bollywood What's the reason Bollywood Cast parties are awkward? They think Cast is spelled with an e.,1,en
"i get jealous over the little stuff threedots why? because we started out doing that "" little stuff "" threedots",0,en
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout? High Moon!,1,en
When choosing a new password. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,0,en
"My best friend was talking to me about proposing to his girlfriend. I'm not sure though, she's not really my type",1,en
why couldn't r get to p? he had to wait in a q !,0,en
i ordered a meal from the international space station. my sides are in orbit,1,en
"George foreman sells a grill, what does the iron shiek sell? Cast iron sheik skillets.",1,en
"I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil.. The plot thickens...",0,en
I miss my friend Jack. I loved to listen to music with him,0,en
i just answered someones question with threedots i reckon. and now i have to move to oklahoma,1,en
Why are programmers bad at doing laundry? They throw all their dirty clothes on the heap.,1,en
"as my girlfriend was trying on jeans , a clerk asked her "" need a bigger size? "" i saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk .",1,en
"What went through everyone's head when they saw the Beirut explosion? ""The bomb has been planted""",1,en
me : describe your love for me in one word. him : my what ?,0,en
"A doctor amputated a hand on a patient and the doctor said to the patient ""on the other hand. you aren't disabled""",1,en
What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time? Cross mouse cards !,0,en
you know the fly was really close to being called a land threedots because that's what it does half the time. rip mitch hedberg,0,en
"i was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked , ' what have you got there? ' i replied ' hummus '",1,en
I was told I could view the eclipse through a colander. I think I strained my eyes,1,en
My wife is so sweet and innocent. Wait till she finds out Santa isn't real.,0,en
why did the seal make a tinder account? to find a significant otter .,1,en
A thing that has head and tail only is coin A thing that has head and body only is Nick Vujicic,0,en
"UK: We call it ""Autumn"", from the French word ""Automne"", and later, from the Latin ""autumnus"". USA: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN",1,en
what's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a volkswagen? getting an elephant pregnant in a volkswagen .,0,en
"if you add ' ish ' on the end of the time, you're not really late .",0,en
"so a woman walks up to a tall guy and says "" hey, can you get me that box on the top shelf """,1,en
What is a Nihilist? Someone who studies rivers in Egypt.,1,en
Did you hear about the epileptic snake? It had a hissy fit.,1,en
what does rock music and my grandpa have in common? the strokes,1,en
"Yes, It's true eagles can soar... ...but at least weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.",1,en
which cola brand sources its water from the oceans? pepsi,1,en
"If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right? Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.",1,en
What do you call an escape artist dog? Basset Houndini,1,en
"your shirt is a little small. no , i am to big",0,en
"How do you know if there's an athiest on a reddit thread? Don't worry, they'll let you know.",0,en
"If you've seen me impatiently standing in line, then you've seen me dancing at a concert.",0,en
"Millionaire Interview Interviewer : Sir, who helped you on becoming a Millionaire? Millionaire : My wife........ I was a billionaire before.",1,en
"they say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts .",1,en
I just thought of a really funny joke. but I forgot it,0,en
"instagram before the foods goes in, twitter when the food goes out .",0,en
People like to say that men and women are alike. But there's a Vas Defrens,1,en
I'm not saying Ellen Pao is Hitler but. I haven't seen the two of them in the same room,0,en
Werewolves are notoriously hard to find. Otherwise they'd be known as Therewolves,0,en
Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor? In Daniel Craigslist,0,en
What do bubbles and priests have in common? They're both blown by kids.,1,en
I'd brag about my pride. But I'd be lion,0,en
"My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle.",1,en
Pokemon GO is trying to fix its servers. It's not very effective,1,en
Which director is Hollywood's darling? Michael Bae,0,en
"I feel bad for kids with autism in school First they have to deal with their autism, and then the principal gives them aides.",1,en
i still don't understand why my boss didn't like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next monday meeting. he asked us for new ideas,1,en
I don't understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They're probably just underwater,1,en
i recently came into a lot of money. the bank teller wasn't happy about having to use gloves,1,en
Why didn't the man die when he drank poison? Because he was in the living room.,0,en
"at the bank , i told the teller i'd like to open a joint account she asked "" okay , with whom? "" "" with whoever had the most money "" i answered",1,en
I knew I was stressed out when my phone's battery died but i really just needed an outlet,1,en
"i don't care what the fbi says, america's most wanted still sounds like an honor .",1,en
"Ironically, the Boogeyman was a terrible dancer.",1,en
"I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette",1,en
Why did the gambler think he was in heaven? He found his pair a' dice!,1,en
"hello darkness my old friend, i fell and broke the lamp again",0,en
"i'm not laughing at you, i'm laughing with other people at you .",0,en
"what did the photographer say when he retired? "" i can't take it anymore ! """,1,en
So i stubbed my toe this morning... My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed,1,en
what do you call mike tyson without any arms? whatever you want,1,en
If anyone has a good fishing pun. Let minnow,0,en
"A Trochee looks at his friend and says ""you look a little stressed"". The friend says ""i am""",1,en
"chuck norris doesn't swim, water just likes to be around him",0,en
What is it called when a ninja flees the scene of an accident? Hidden Run.,1,en
The man at the grocery store name is Bobby Chubsucker. He was either very popular or made fun of a lot in school,1,en
""" hey girl, you ever dated a monk before ? "" "" no ? well how would you like to get into the habit ? """,1,en
My local preist knows a lot about the fast food industry: He ate at Five Boys before it became Five Guys.,1,en
I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me,1,en
"your face is the human equivalent of a blue screen just came up with it , think its alright. thoughts ?",0,en
is your name gravity? cause you're attractive .,0,en
"Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism",0,en
It's tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out. There's a steep learning curve.,1,en
Never end a sentence with a preposition For example: The boy had no one to play a preposition. Wait... I think I gave two examples above.,1,en
"no matter what meal it is, always say you had "" brunch "" so people know how much better than them you are .",1,en
customer : waiter there's a button in my salad. waiter : it must have come off while the salad was dressing,1,en
"How do you encourage a potter while he's glazing his bowl? ""Way to go dude, you're kiln it!""",1,en
q : when is a school paper not a school paper? a : when it's turned into the teacher .,0,en
How do you listen to Taylor Swift and N.W.A one after the other? Make a mixed tape.,0,en
I like my Women like I like my cars. On wheels.,0,en
"crocodile : "" see ya later alligator . "" alligator : "" yeah, i don't do that anymore jeff . """,1,en
"Roses are red My name is Randy, hop in my van and I'll give you some candy",0,en
Where can you find cocoons? In Dedetroit ,0,en
"Me: I need to lose my baby weight. Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest? Me: Thirteen.",1,en
What do you call a group of dwarfs talking? Small talk,1,en
"Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot",1,en
Did you hear about the stallion and the mare? They had a stable relationship.,1,en
"Old joke I can dodge a Ford, but can't afford a Dodge...",0,en
"If you want to work with livestock, you better know your farm animals, kid! A kid is a baby goat.. That's the joke...",0,en
why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps? because she thought her children were all going to the dogs .,1,en
If you saw a heat wave. Would you wave back,1,en
"There was a robbery in Antarctica, but it was stopped. There was even a party to celebrate Justice was served",0,en
"I bought a fan today. It blows, man",0,en
what do you call an underwater dog? scuba doo,1,en
what do you call a snake that tells bad jokes? a corn snake,1,en
what kind of jeans do ghosts wear? boo jeans,1,en
What's up doc? I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.,1,en
"a levels despite my a level results being a b b a, it still seems no employer will take a chance on me .",1,en
If Jeff besos was a poet A dollar a day keeps the hungry kids away,0,en
What's the difference between healthcare.gov and Derrick Rose? Healthcare.gov was broken and now it works.,0,en
"My daughter asked me, ""Dad, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"" I smirked and replied...  ""Because it's the scenter.""",1,en
"With his comedy career basically ruined, Bill Cosby can finally pursue another dream of his... ...coaching at Penn State",1,en
why is the liberty bell like a dropped easter egg? because they're both cracked !,0,en
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants!,0,en
how many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? nobody knows it hasn't happened yet .,1,en
"The reason why I have no friends Is because everytime I bring them to the house, my father would look them up to the basement so we can have food.",1,en
How do you make a redditor impatient? loading...,1,en
A Jedi Knight was singing Livin' On A Prayer. It was Obi Wan Bon Jovi,0,en
How do you find a blonde girl in long grass. Quite nice actually,1,en
"Whenever I get new followers, I try to tweet something really disappointing so they know what they're in for.",1,en
What's India's most popular dating service? Connect the Dots.,0,en
i visited a blonde doctor recently she diagnosed me with insomnia. don't worry she said it wasn't anything to lose sleep over,1,en
What's the difference between my daughter and my cat? My cat doesn't scream and claw at the basement door.,1,en
"the best things in life are free. jk , they're carbs",0,en
"son : dad , you work so hard and never get any credit . you're like a superhero! dad : nice try . you're still not getting the internet password .",0,en
How do you call it when you get a eMail from a Women? FeMail.,0,en
What's the proper way to pronounce Mormon? The second m is silent.,1,en
Where do beekeepers stay on vacation? Air bee and bee.,1,en
How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts,1,en
America as a whole is pretty bad at geometry. We're all out of shape,1,en
Did you know seedless fruits like watermelon have existed for decades? It's called sterilization.,1,en
"if women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one .",1,en
You can't make a squid cake. But you can make an octopi,0,en
does anyone know any good groundhog day jokes? because i keep hearing the same ones over and over,1,en
What does someone have if they laugh at other people's eyes? Aqueous humour.,1,en
What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag? Finding shoes to go with it.,1,en
"if abraham lincoln were alive today , what would he be famous for? old age .",0,en
beware of the half truth. you may have gotten hold of the wrong half,0,en
"A fish angrily clutches an umbrella, furious he's still getting wet",1,en
"a vegetable walks into a bar threedots just kidding, he'll never walk again .",0,en
I had my operation done privately in the end. Originally my Dad wanted to sell tickets,1,en
What goes dot dot dash squeak? Mouse code !,0,en
How much did King Kong get paid for his latest movie? A gorillian dollars,0,en
It was time to show my girlfriend how i really feel. so i showed her my hands,0,en
What's the difference between Rick Grimes and Carl Grimes? Rick Grimes has two I's....,0,en
Why is Shakespeare bad at hunting? because he can't aim steadily,1,en
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.,0,en
My friend didn't like the fridge I got him for his birthday. But you should've seen his face light up when he opened it,0,en
What did Ozzy Osbourne do after eating a whole Bull? He threw up the horns.,1,en
"What did the hippie say about all of the math problems? They're all, like, equal to me...",1,en
How do eels get around the seabed? They go by octobus.,1,en
What character was never included in the Mr men and Little miss series Little miscarriage ,1,en
i'm feeling more attracted to you lately. have you put on weight ?,0,en
"there are some people walking around alive today, simply because i don't want to go to jail tomorrow .",0,en
Why was the geologist hungry? He had a large Apatite.,1,en
"No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March. I got this",0,en
"question: what is your "" it is so cold outside threedots "" joke ?",1,en
"i may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great",0,en
What do you do when you see an upside down dolphin? You flipper!,0,en
"my gambling addiction cost me my marriage! or , as i like to think of it , won me a divorce",1,en
"Why do people refer to their cars as ""she""? Because they're only useful when you're inside them",1,en
the indian baking festival was kind of a bust. it was a naan event,1,en
what you you call a girl you meet on reddit? you don't .,0,en
What does Batman say when he fails his mission? Gotham it.,0,en
I found a gun next to me It must be god trying to help,0,en
How to understand girls. Loading,0,en
"ATTN FILMMAKERS: Is it possible the future won't be colored a bleak greenish gray with constant rain, or are you really sure of this?",1,en
"A priest adopts a child, what does it name the child? Ben dover ",0,en
"At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, ""Are you a pole vaulter?"" He said ""No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?""",1,en
A German boy band that plays some insane classical stuff. Bachstreet Boys,1,en
"this guy in the elevator asked for my number so i wrote it on his arm. apparently he meant which floor , so that was awkward",1,en
what's the difference between a star and america? the star has a bright future .,0,en
When is the Sandman not the Sandman? When it rains then his name is Mud,0,en
"if a woman falls in the kitchen and i pretend not to hear it, does she still hear the sound of me tweeting about it ?",0,en
Found out the paper in my favorite jeans is made from hemp. Hashtag Hashtag,0,en
What kind of music do old people listen to Myback music. ill show myself out,0,en
what do you call your friend from prague who beat you at chess? your czech mate,0,en
What is it called when a gamer fights someone? An Asthma attack.,1,en
why did the man lost in the woods catch fire? he was heading west .,0,en
how do you start making big bucks? with a little doe,1,en
"my tombstone will read: if you don't know me by now , you will never ever ever know me .",0,en
Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth? That would be a midwife crisis,1,en
What's the difference between the Holocaust and some paper cuts? I hate paper cuts.,1,en
"i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the ""i'm not a robot"" box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain",1,en
What is the Speed of Darkness? ... ... Batman!,0,en
"I don't delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer. ""Always needs a favor"" is calling, decline.",1,en
"American Ginny Thrasher won gold in the Olympic shooting contest. When asked where she learned her skills ""in school"" she replied",1,en
my psychic is a talented blind woman. she has a fifth sense,1,en
smile and the world smiles with you. laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive,0,en
what's a sorority girls favorite camera? a like uh,1,en
If you were invisible for only one day what would you do? Finally have friends,0,en
what do you call a gas station that sells crabs? a crustacean .,1,en
The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now. But everything around it is Chile,1,en
Whats the most handiest tool ever? A Hand!,0,en
What would you give to a guy who has everything? Asked a girl to her friend. My phone number! Answered her friend.,0,en
"when my evening plans are ruined, i pay it forward by texting "" i'm pregnant "" to random numbers .",1,en
my neighbor crashed her car while listening to adele. she went rolling in the jeep,1,en
What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? Glue.,1,en
What does a blind person dip their chips in?  Glaucomole,1,en
My favourite past time is piano.... Cos I love fingering minors,0,en
divorce is when you tell someone: hey i know you better than anyone else on earth and i'm gonna take a pass,1,en
"i am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold .",1,en
Do you know who was born out of invest? The person who will lock this post,0,en
why was vladimir late to gym class? cause he was putin his shoes on xd,0,en
"The farther away the future is, the better it looks.",0,en
how do you find where a flea has bitten you? start from scratch !,0,en
"Why did the physicist move across the street from the haunted graveyard? To observe spooky action at a distance! Thank you, I'll be here all week.",0,en
I dont understand what's so hard about cancer. I'm already on stage four!,0,en
i'm not fat. i'm just easy to see,0,en
I tried to eat soup with a fork. It was a strain,1,en
Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fire place,0,en
"Remember, when someone claims to be a girl. He could be a Guy In Real Life",0,en
"today, i cleaned the house . it was awesome . my favorite part was finding things i didn't remember having . like where'd these kids come from ?",1,en
Shout Out to My Fingers! ... I know I can always count on them!,0,en
what is brown and gray has eight legs and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? a chihuahua on vacation with an elephant .,1,en
My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment. Props to him,1,en
"Delivery Man ""I brought your ceramics"" ""...Let that sink in""",1,en
wife: im pregnant me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments wife: im the mother me: this is what I'm talking about,0,en
"Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.",0,en
the hardest part about hitting a child in public. is avoiding getting caught by their parent's,1,en
What is an terrorist underwater called? A bathbomb,0,en
"There is no ""I"" in ""team."" But there's an ""I"" in ""Tim, "" and my friend Carlos pronounces it ""team"" so....there",1,en
"why did the cellphone go to court? because it was charged with battery . thank you , i'll be here all night threedots finals week needs to end .",0,en
Them: What would you do if you knew that you couldn't fail? Me: Probably eat spaghetti while wearing a clean gray sweatshirt.,1,en
my friend told this great lumberjack joke the other day. but no one was around to hear it threedots,0,en
what's shaking? not ali threedots,0,en
what do you get when you fart on your wallet? gas money,1,en
"after the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big .",1,en
what do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel? a bit of a shock really !,0,en
sad ipad why was the ipad sad? someone took a bite out of its apple .,0,en
How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen? Nunavut.,1,en
why shouldn't you kiss anybody on new years day? because it's the first date .,0,en
why don't hat store owners and pet shop owner get along? because you can't be a fan of hat care and cat hair .,1,en
"Food Fact: PringlesTM are actually shavings from the AllpringleTM, which resides in the center of the Earth",1,en
i told a very average joke in the cheese aisle today. the crowd went mild,1,en
My girlfriend was mad at me for not having a sense of direction and cross dressing. So I packed her clothes and right.,1,en
i show people i love them by not spending time with them. it's the best thing i can offer,1,en
"When I was in Paris, I got up early to get some food. They had this huge mushroom buffet. Portabella, shiitake; Breakfast of champignons",1,en
"when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn't see and he kept walking for a little bit",0,en
what did Keanu Reeves and the police officer who killed Geoge Floyd have in common? They were both breathtaking.,1,en
Why did the palm tree win the plant race? It was the first to Sago.,1,en
"Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: ""I need to axe you a question.""",0,en
did you hear about that new bald eagle poison? it's illegal if you use it .,0,en
Did you hear about the two chickens that held up a convenience store? They were accused of foul play. ,1,en
my blood test results are in today. now i have to call my ex and tell her that she has high cholesterol,1,en
What do blind people drive? A cataract.,1,en
"you know, it's not the length of the vector that counts threedots it's how you apply the force .",1,en
"What did the bridge say to the locomotive? ""Truss me.""",1,en
The truth is out there; it just hasn't been indexed well.,0,en
Why can't Indiana Jones find a long lasting relationship? Bad dates.,0,en
Me have great grammar. Me learnt everything I know from Sesame Street,1,en
you know what they call alternative facts that are true? facts .,1,en
"What is the difference between a parrot saying ""E equals M C squared"" and most people saying it? Nothing.",1,en
where do rabbits like to eat breakfast? ihop !,0,en
"Remember, it's not what you do. it's what you get away with",0,en
What do you call a Snorlax that wants to win a race? A cab.,1,en
What genre are national anthems? Country music.,1,en
What do you call orphans that are being sold in the black market? Formerly Unwanted Goods,1,en
why don't elephants like penguins? because they can't get the wrapper off .,1,en
what do you call a woman in the living room? a tourist .,1,en
q . what's the difference between ' weather ' and ' climate '? a . you can ' t ' weather ' a tree but you can ' climate ' !,0,en
I love playing games with full volume on the TV So I can't hear my mum getting beat,1,en
"My wife has this mood ring. It turns green when she's happy, blue when she's calm, and when she's angry it leaves a big red mark right on my forehead",0,en
"i got a new couch threedots threedots wasn't sure how comfortable it would be, but sofa so good !",0,en
"I was watching the Cosmos, when Neil Degrasse Tyson related our genes are similar to ones in trees That means that all men have got wood in dem jeans.",0,en
i can count the number of times i've been to chernobyl on one hand. it's seven,0,en
what's the difference between rob ford and an ethiopian child? rob ford has more than enough to eat at home .,0,en
What do you call it when the robot from Futurama gets in a minor car accident while wearing a dress? A gender bender Bender fender bender.,1,en
what's the most popular game at a nursing home? guess who,1,en
What's the worlds fastest sport? Quicket of course,0,en
"saint peter in heaven so, i was in the mood for some "" saint peter in the gates of heaven "" jokes threedots anyone have something ?",1,en
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.,1,en
What happens to Captain America when he dies? He goes to the Evans,0,en
I love looking at the faces on the missing persons list It reminds me of what they're meant to look like.,1,en
"This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's just falling asleep.",0,en
For every chick that's crying about no good guys out there. there's a dude she's ignoring that's good to her,1,en
Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral. I couldn't bereave it!,0,en
It's only a little rad. It's a radish,1,en
"him : happy birthday , honey ! i got you a gift basket , just like you wanted her : oh thanks ! what's in it? him : what do you mean , "" in it """,0,en
What did Carrie Fisher's on screen mom and her real life mom have in common? They both died from sadness.,0,en
it's your choice . half of all marriages end in divorce . you think that's bad? the other half end in death .,1,en
What did the unskilled chef serve as a side dish? Mediokra,1,en
Elon Musk finding God on Mars has better chance than me finding a gf.,0,en
What's a philosophers favorite toy? Plato,1,en
Mary and Joseph... ...had a stable relationship...,1,en
"Me and the wife were having a row the other day when, all of a sudden, the strangest thing happened. Our canoe sank",0,en
What brand of underwear does the Sun wear? Kelvin Klein,0,en
"if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you instagram it ?",0,en
I tried a new fragrance today. It's called Tester,1,en
"i hate when i buy new shoes, and i have to learn to drive all over again .",0,en
"have you ever seen those "" give a penny , take a penny "" things at convenience stores? that makes no cents",1,en
What is the best day for a wedding? Wednesday,0,en
"What's the similarity between Income Tax and a Caller Tune? . .. ... In both the cases, one pays the money and others enjoy.",1,en
Why do doctors boil water when babies are born? So they can make soup if it's born dead.,1,en
What needs a ton of electricity put into it so you can work properly? Your family.,0,en
i just answered two jeopardy questions in a row. this must be what einstein must have felt like,1,en
I bumped into my French teacher yesterday and she asked me what am I up to. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.,1,en
I was born during the great depression. My mothers,1,en
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine...,0,en
I'm not schizophrenic. And neither am I.,0,en
What's the difference between an Engineering student and an Arts student when tying their shoes? The arts student gets a mark for it.,1,en
what do you call it when you finger a pony? feeling a little horse .,1,en
What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow? Total Eclipse of a Fart,0,en
Want to hear a broad generalization? All women are complicated.,1,en
What do you call Apple's next beauty product? The iLiner.,1,en
who can't tell the difference between short and long? this subreddit mods,0,en
Who is the poorest in England? The Tooth Fairy!,0,en
"How you compliment an Italian cheese maker? ""Gouda worka""",1,en
"how do you know a girl is into you? just pinch yourself , if you don't wake up , she doesn't .",1,en
"the question isn't at what age i want to retire, it's at what income .",1,en
"People keep telling me that I have no idea what it's like to have no roof above my head I don't think so, I really like the new Porsche convertible.",1,en
I saw a black and white picture on reddit once. It got locked. It got locked.,0,en
"My friend said, ""What's that phrase? 'If you can't stand the heat...'?"" ""Get out of the shower,"" I replied. I love having Jewish friends.",1,en
"I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn't seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.",1,en
i secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. let's see if he notices,1,en
"i just found a great new way to check email , facebook , twitter , chat with friends and buy stuff on ebay , all from one spot. i got a job",0,en
How do you know when they are getting too old? It takes less than three breaths to blow out the candles.,1,en
"A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery. But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said ""I stand corrected""",1,en
"The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi",0,en
"date : you've already made me laugh, you can do no wrong me : challenge accepted .",0,en
"what is that thing , which the maker cannot use , and the user cannot see? coffin",0,en
Did you know that Subaru used to be called Subalu? But then it moved to Japan.,1,en
"Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it's important to start out really fat.",1,en
I'm going to buy a boomerang now. You need friends to play Frisbee,0,en
Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events? He's been living under The Rock.,0,en
jokes on you! for clicking to see what was written here,0,en
How can you tell when Ron Jeremy is finished pumping gas? He pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!,0,en
What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for? Around Thevenin the morning,0,en
shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. you deserve it,0,en
i'm going to make a city just for people with special needs. i'll call it downtown,1,en
Why do vaccinated teens get sick more than unvaccinated teens? Because vaccinated teens actually exist.,1,en
My doctor told me I'm artistic. I have no idea how he could tell,1,en
i once dated a dentist. he had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed,1,en
Removing the skin of an orange. That's appealing,0,en
Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants? They can stick to the subject!,0,en
What can you catch but not throw? Your kid.,0,en
who do you give a lost gun to? the rifle owner .,0,en
i think i have a sleeping disorder. it's called children,1,en
sometime soon theyll all be screaming my name. at the jamba juice because my order is ready and i am checking my phone,0,en
What is an electrician's favorite vehicle? A Voltswagen,0,en
why is it so hard to order pizza from me? i'll update with the hilarious punchline later threedots,0,en
"a ghost dressed up as human for halloween ghost knocks on neighbor's door : "" trick or treat! "" neighbor says to his wife , "" that's the spirit "" .",1,en
I was real sad when my cat died I only had a few positions in the Kama Sutra left to try...,0,en
"If Norman Bates was batman's dad. would Alfred call Bruce, Master Bates",0,en
My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral. I'm painting Switzerland,0,en
What is all about that peace upon newcool and where does it come from? Please explain,0,en
I like to think that I'm a tiger. even though I'm a mere cat,1,en
What do you call a hard drive in a hydraulic press? File compression,1,en
Conserve energy. How would you feel if someone turned you on and left?,0,en
about to watch a film with my girlfriend. can anyone recommend a girlfriend ?,0,en
What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him? Danke,0,en
"Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places.",1,en
I'm like oil... worth less than nothing.,0,en
i love cheese! cheese : i have a boyfriend,0,en
What is Oedipus Rex's Mom's favorite Elton John song? Don't Let The Son Go Down On Me,0,en
I had a balloon with the reddit logo on it and I put it on the nozzle of a can of helium. It blew up pretty fast,0,en
i think three movies is a bit much for the hobbit. seems like they're really dragon it out,1,en
What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.,1,en
Did you hear Obtuse Angle lost weight? He looks all right now.,0,en
Which fruit does not have water in it? Dry fruit. ,1,en
I sweat less when I wear sunglasses. Because I feel cooler,1,en
what happens when mario parks his car outside the wrong castle? he gets toad,0,en
My kid just randomly recited my wife's cell phone number that we had no idea he knew. Now we're getting fitted for suits and hitting Vegas,1,en
"What was wrong with Han Solo's ""Hanburgers""? They were really Chewie!",0,en
What do you call it when Einstein faps? A stroke of genius.,1,en
i'm good at turning on. threedots electronics,0,en
"If you were receiving a shipment of very rare, very special insects, would it be. Import Ant",1,en
what happens on the first date with bill cosby? i don't remember,1,en
Where do you go when you start up a videogame about Noodles? To the lo mein menu,0,en
I was told today that my muslim optician had passed away. Asif Eyecare,1,en
Who sees the most unvaccinated children? The pathologist.,1,en
"What does the neckbeard say when asked what he did last weekend? ""M'laundry.""",1,en
"""There is superstitious....... writing on the wall..."" No Stevie, that's just the wood chip mate.",0,en
Who was the best at camping? Hitlar,0,en
what's the main difference between a man and a woman? it's what comes to mind when they think of the word facial .,1,en
customer : i'd like a watch that tells time . clerk : don't you have a watch that tells time? customer : no you have to look at it .,1,en
I'm not saying I'm smarter than you because I use proper punctuation; I'm implying it with semicolons.,1,en
What's the fastest way to stop a deaf persons argument? Turn out the lights,0,en
"Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it's cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go",1,en
every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. that person is usually delivering a pizza,1,en
"What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.",1,en
He: I work with animals all day. She: Aaw that's nice what do you do. He: I'm a butcher.,0,en
The day before Rosh Hashanah. can be called adam's eve,0,en
P is for psychic. Pumpkin squash,0,en
"this salad is delicious, probably because it's a donut .",1,en
q : why couldn't the shoes go out and play? a : they were all tied up .,0,en
What was Anne Frank's middle name? Ashley,0,en
what insect can be spelled with just one letter? bee .,1,en
"sometimes i look down at my cleavage and i'm like, "" wow ! "" "" that's where the rest of that cookie went ! """,1,en
What's the difference between a dodo and xxxtentacion One is extinct an the other is XXXtinct,0,en
You look so young... what is your secret? I am fifteen.,0,en
Kim Kardashian was robbed of her jewellry in Paris. The robbers had a tip off that she had lots of booty,1,en
Picking which colour pen to use. Its always a bic decision,1,en
about tasty steaks. you knowing the art of making a steak is a rare medium well done,0,en
A man fell into a deep sleep after eating too many telephones. He's in a dialbetic phona,1,en
How do shooed grizzlies travel? Barefoot,1,en
"i had an affair with english. since then , math and i don't speak",1,en
what do you get when you cross johnny depp with nicolas cage? johnny cage,0,en
What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Lily !,0,en
What do Reddit and building a mile long fence have in common? Post...repost.....repost....repost...repost...,1,en
The weather tonight will be like R. Kelly It will be getting into the teens. ,0,en
you know whats sad? a depressed onion cutting itself .,0,en
What do you call too many chickens on a farm? A cluster cluck.,1,en
I want to go to the zoo Iv never seen a monkey up close At least the prison are still open,0,en
What do you call it when a transcendentalist author looks at old photos? Thoreau Back Thursday,1,en
doctor doctor should i surf the internet on an empty stomach? no you should do it on a computer .,0,en
What's the worst conceivable school shooting? If it was the last one.,1,en
"My friend said he knew of a way to always win in Russian roulette I can't tell you what it was, but let's just say. My mind was blown",1,en
"My wife slammed her fist on the table and shouted... ""Why must you question everything I say! ?"" ...""Everything?"" I replied",1,en
what is an umbrella doing in the shower? practicing,0,en
Q: What's green and walks through walls? A: Casper the Friendly Pickle.,0,en
I love the neocortex. It's always at the forefront of my mind,1,en
"the only time i smile when i have done something wrong, is when i have found someone to blame it on .",0,en
what did the cloud say to the atmosphere? what the hail was that,1,en
What do you call a Sandwich with legs? Bready Legs,1,en
"Went to glasses shop to check my eyes,the worker told me I had estigmatism,I googled it. Because I was blind on the subject",1,en
Saw two jeeps crash into each other today. There were Dave Matthews Band CD's everywhere,0,en
"five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain threedots you were waiting for the punchline but it never came .",0,en
What kind of bagel did the camper eat? A winnebago.,1,en
Got a tan this weekend. Might exchange it for a turquoise,0,en
Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible? No comment.,0,en
"Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone ""what are you supposed to be? "" without triggering an existential crisis.",1,en
"What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix? ""Thanks, I appreciate the feedback.""",1,en
"Confucius say, piano falls down mineshaft. Get tone of A Flat Miner",1,en
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it. Not happy but so be it,0,en
I can't believe its pancake day again already. It's really creped up on me,0,en
"My kid wanted to get a pet spider from the pet store, but they are really expensive. I can get a really cheap one off the web",0,en
I made a popular girl laugh today. by asking her out,0,en
""" you talk the talk , but can you walk the walk? "" ask the lady to the guy on the wheelchair .",0,en
What are Starbucks two shipping options? Ground and federal expresso,1,en
"The saddest joke I've heard My wife ran off with my best friend. Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there",1,en
how do you find the pc user in the coffee shop? follow the power cord .,0,en
What's deader than this sub? The comments section.,0,en
"if you're asking me to choose sides, i'll always choose potato salad .",0,en
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono. At my age I think I should have surround sound,1,en
"So, what're all of us fortunate people complaining about today?",0,en
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs? Me: You mean like the band,0,en
I make apocalypse jokes. Like there's no tomorrow,0,en
"When I recite the alphabet, I always skip the letter ""N."" It's just my MO.",1,en
"if this post on webmd is correct, i died like ten years ago .",0,en
what did the neutrino say to the planet? just passing through,1,en
Where did the Martian put his teacup? On his flying saucer.,1,en
What is Captain Picard's favorite Chinese takeout? Make it Tso!,0,en
"if a woman asks if she looks fat, it's not enough to say "" no . "" you must also act very surprised by the question . jump backwards if necessary",1,en
What do you call a Special Olympics team? a salad,1,en
tifu: i got the wrong zoo magazine oops wrong sub,0,en
"Just changed my dating profile headline to: ""Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives"". crossing my fingers",1,en
everyone is surprised when i tell them i've never seen the movie fight club i don't see what the big deal is. no one really talks about it,1,en
"""We are out of oranges"" he said, fruitlessly.",0,en
What TV show is about two brothers sharing girlfriends? Property Brothers,1,en
How do you know you've been making too many jokes? When the wordplay becomes wordwork.,1,en
what is it called when a dyslexic has a slow computer? a rack of lamb,1,en
Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets? A: She went looking for the three guys.,0,en
i'm not afraid of dying. i'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has justin bieber posters and twilight shirts,0,en
I made a generator which created electricity through jokes that were confusing but funny regardless. It created lots of gigglewhats.,1,en
"What did they name the Chinese remake of ""Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs""? It's Raining Cats and Dogs",1,en
"What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants? Ferniture.",1,en
What do you do with a wombat? You play Wom with it. ,1,en
What do you call Brienne's Dad? Tarth Vader.,0,en
How do you keep your body in shape? Store it in formaldehyde so it stops rotting,1,en
the bird developed an illness. i think it started when the bird flu,1,en
What does a boat have in common with a ballsack? They both have a lot of seamen,1,en
"Excuse me, miss. I'm sure you hear this everyday but... ... do you know where the nearest McDonald's is?",0,en
"I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.",0,en
"If you lose one senses, your other senses become stronger. That's why people without a sense of humour have such a high sense of self importance",1,en
"staring from a distance counts is flirting, right ?",1,en
"The local Chinese restaurant has creme brulee, but it's not on the menu. It's Secret Asian Flan",1,en
where does q come before p? in front of a busy urinal .,0,en
What has arms but can't move them? A small child paralyzed from the waist up.,0,en
I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour. And call it Obsessive Disorders Control,1,en
"i've been doing a lot of work around my yard, i hope my neighbours don't take a fence to it .",1,en
What's a shopaholic's favourite boy band? NSYNC,0,en
"what's your body type? mine is "" giant gummy bear . """,1,en
where do pirates go after they are thrown out of kansas? arkansas,1,en
"Where does a mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually.",1,en
did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants? that is something i never herbivore !,0,en
"Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist? Worker: You mean screws? Me: I don't know, I'm not a nail scientist. Worker",1,en
"ever hear of that cat turned vegan because of its vegan owner? probably not , she died .",1,en
What state makes exclusively swiss cheese? Swisconsin.,1,en
"How do you break up with a famous movie director? You look him in the eyes and say, Joss we done.",0,en
"My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.",1,en
The German folk singer was very dishonest with me. You could say that he lied,1,en
"I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said: ""You have reached the end of you free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes.com.""",1,en
"Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.",1,en
what's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend? the ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful .,1,en
What do you call a slave owner that works in a food packaging plant? A Ritz cracker,1,en
I feel bad for orphans They can't even play family game night with their parents. ,1,en
This Sub Better name : repost old jokes,1,en
What is an Inventory? the place where inventors are made. ,1,en
What do you get when an alternative metal band runs out of toilet paper? Rage Upon the Latrine,1,en
why can any hamburger run the mile in under four minutes? because it's a fast food !,0,en
whats the difference between Slavs and slaves one has an e between the v and the s,1,en
What do you call glass cookware from Jamaica? Pyrex of the Caribbean,1,en
Did you see the video of the little boy playing at the railway tracks? No? Neither will he.,0,en
which end of a bus is it best to get off? it doesn't matter . both ends stop .,0,en
My laptop's keyboard really works too hard... It has two SHIFTS ,0,en
"I'm currently dating a woman that, like me, has Parkinson's and kleptomania. We're going to take things slow",0,en
Jesus died for our sins But which one?,0,en
me : and what do you do if i tell you i'm having a heart attack? siri : i clear your browser history . me : that's right darling .,0,en
"My wife expressed her concern. ""Do you think our son is good enough to be a football job?"" I said, ""I think he'll manage.""",1,en
What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!,0,en
When and why did the yam farmer get up? For a yam.,1,en
Today's my girlfriend's anniversary! Don't know what present I should get her and her husband,0,en
What kind of guns do bees use? BeeBee guns,1,en
What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.,1,en
why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock? because it won't even give you the time of day .,0,en
If you don't believe that Love is Blind. Look at Howard Wolowitz and Bernadette Rostenkowski,0,en
"i've never finished a marathon, but one time i finished a whole bag of peanut butter crunch even though the roof of my mouth was all tore up",1,en
"post your best "" jared fogle "" jokes! here's mine : jared fogle loves to eat little girls ham sandwiches .",0,en
who discovered victoria falls? whoever tripped her .,0,en
"Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.",0,en
my science teacher taught us about gravity today. it was such a heavy subject to take threedots,1,en
Did you hear about the new camouflage turban? It helps you hide and Sikh.,1,en
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence? For example : Mr.Walter is in a comma,1,en
How long does it take to burn a candle down? About a wick !,0,en
what's the worst cut of steak? amazon prime .,0,en
Gee this couple posted so many selfies during their trip. They must've had a great time proving us they had a great time,0,en
I like my girlfriend and my music saved on Spotify Cuz they both on the minor scale.,0,en
what does a geography graduate do with a lightbulb? not get a job .,1,en
Why the musician sold his computer. Not enough gigs,1,en
fun fact: valentine's day was created by a woman than didn't get what she wanted for christmas .,0,en
What do you call an road construction aardvark? A tarredvark!,1,en
"How do you say ""touchdown"" in Polish? Gronkowski",1,en
Why was Cleopatra angry? She was on her pyramid. Stolen from Whose Line Is It Anyway.,0,en
how long have i been working for this company? ever since they threatened to fire me .,0,en
I've got my coat ready for Autumn. Children love sweets in the cooler seasons.,0,en
My job is secure. No one else wants it,1,en
"Aviici: wake me up when it's all over We can't do that now, can we?",0,en
"i went on a date with a girl i met from twitter once. it didn't work out , but he's one of the nicest guys i've ever met",1,en
"hi , you've reached my voicemail. send me a text like a normal person",0,en
I love the smell of Californian smoke. It smells like absolute Paradise,0,en
"instead of kanye learning anybody else's name, i bet he calls everyone not kanye .",1,en
"If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you'll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.",1,en
What is the difference between a diameter and a radius? A radius,1,en
Did you know love doesn't matter? It doesn't have mass and doesn't occupy space.,0,en
My mind is exceptionally quiet. I am suspicious that I am up to something I don't want myself to know about,1,en
What did little Suzy spy with her little eye? A cataract.,1,en
what kind of people should you stay away from? trees . they're quite shady .,1,en
"i don't want to say my wife and i are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don't fit us anymore .",1,en
Why couldn't the old aardvark parallel park? He just wanted to curl up and Pi.,0,en
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries,1,en
Client not paid? Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away,0,en
If towels could tell jokes. They would have a dry sense of humor,1,en
Where is the lost city of Atlantis? Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.,0,en
Where do college students go for medical attention? An I.V. League.,1,en
A hurricane is going to hit the east coast? Are you Joaquin,1,en
The weakest point of any car is... the nut holding the steering wheel. ,1,en
"customer : why does your sign say "" fine dining ""? waiter : we can dream can't we",1,en
what do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog? a golden receiver !,0,en
why did the nose run? it did snot want to be late,0,en
"Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store? For the watch..",0,en
My new girl says I'm the biggest she's ever seen But kids aren't very good at judging the size of things,1,en
"I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense. It's exhausting, I've never ran so far",1,en
So my cat died today... After holding the funeral my mom finally made dinner,0,en
happy fourth of july guys! i hope internet explorer sends this in time .,0,en
Whats the only difference between a monkey and a cow One can peel a banana,0,en
"i have my entire valentine's day planned with my toaster! okay , so first , we're going to take a bath .",0,en
"Guinea pigs aren't real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead",1,en
Whats common between a priest and Michael Jackson? Catholic kids.,1,en
Where can you go to fill all of your rhino related needs? Rhinos R Us,0,en
Why did the the rainbows mom give him an xbox He passed the test with flying colors,0,en
"Me: ""I'm so lonely."" Microscopic organism: ""Wow, I'm right here.""",1,en
what do you call a hot chick in boston? a tourist,1,en
What vacuum cleaner brand do Antivaxxers prefer? Dyson. ,1,en
Micheal Jackson Sponsored by Clorox Bleach,0,en
What's metal and has holes in it? Dimebag Darrell.,0,en
I took my dog... I took my dog to the flea circus... He stole the show. ,0,en
"What did the ghost give his girlfriend on Halloween? A ""booquet"" of flower.",1,en
Why couldn't Jonah convert the Ninevites? Because he was too inefficient.,0,en
Why did the gynecologist giggle during the pap smear? I don't know. It was an inside joke.,1,en
you know what the last thing i said last year was? one !,0,en
bread is just bread until you drop it on the floor. then it's toast,1,en
"When restaurants ask if they can pack up my leftover food for me, I say no and then stuff it in my cheeks like a hamster and leave.",1,en
"living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun .",1,en
mad max: fury road fans never actually watched the movie they witnessed it .,0,en
Did you hear that Zsa Zsa Gabor was suing the doctor who amputated her leg? ...The Judge threw out the case because she didn't have a leg to stand on.,0,en
one i made up threedots what do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle? a cross . the animals around it have no effect on its name duh .,1,en
How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.,1,en
"In most parts of the world, it's possible to catch a cold. In Russia, cold always catch you",0,en
"If one is an expert at tying knots, one does knot simply.",1,en
What did the suicidal person tell to the train? Nothing. He was already run over,0,en
what type of fruit loves chocolate the most? a coconut .,1,en
What's the difference between my toaster and my little sister. I don't a electrical outlet near my shower to turn her on.,1,en
Me: I'm feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over? Him:... Me: Good answer,0,en
Why did the mods get kicked from the Marines? They couldn't manage a sub.,1,en
"why do adults like legos so much , when they grow old? they can't lego of their childhood . tell some more lego puns , here !",0,en
horses Two white horses fell in the mud. ,0,en
I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding,1,en
"How does James Bond prefer his women? Shaven, not furred.",1,en
What is the collective term for rams crossed with llamas who work as Avon representatives. Rama llama ding dongs,1,en
Better to get locked Than to get your post removed.,0,en
what do you call a swat team with snoop dogg? a blunt force,1,en
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Freddie Mercury? Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.,0,en
"What's the difference between a Tide pod and a candy? one is sweet, full of colors and childs love it, and the other develop dental caries",1,en
What do you call a zombie musician? A decomposer.,1,en
"For such a picky eater, I'm certainly not a picky weight gainer.",1,en
What do you call a bunch of planes dropping eggs from the sky in London? Blitzkregg,1,en
What city would you be in if you dropped your waffle on the beach? ....Sandy ego.,0,en
got a problem with me? i'm pretty sure a status on facebook won't fix it .,0,en
"children are for life , not just for benefits threedots credit: a sticker on the back of some guy's car",0,en
People treat me like a god... They forget my existence untill they need something from me,0,en
Life is a gift. I'd like to wrap it up.,0,en
"when the professor starts off the semester asking "" why are you here? "" so i can get a job .",1,en
"Thanks, spell check, that's what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.",0,en
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke but I forgot it,0,en
What do you call it when an American school goes quiet? An armistice,1,en
"an idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain .",1,en
my favorite moment of the day is deciding i'm not going to do anything productive. that moment is now,0,en
"This chicken is so moist, what is your secret? I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.",0,en
"today's relationships: you can touch each other , . . but . . . . not each others phones threedots !",0,en
"i dont know about you guys , but i am amazed pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. science",0,en
"i've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on facebook you better bring it .",0,en
want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say? start whispering something to your spouse .,0,en
What do corn and staples have in common? They're both staples.,1,en
Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system? Because he found mercury in it.,1,en
"There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.",0,en
I've started writing crossword puzzles for a national newspaper. The money is not great but It's allowed me to buy a little two up two down house,1,en
Who was King Author's most well rounded Knight? Sir Cumference.,0,en
You'll never understand unconditional love until the birth of a child. Or hear the beep of a microwave with your burrito,0,en
"If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.",0,en
what is the difference between chicken and blondes? the chicken knows on whose eggs sitting .,1,en
what do you call someone who speaks only one language? an american .,1,en
the four food groups: fast frozen instant and chocolate .,1,en
"a math teacher had a bird , and he trained it to talk. one day it escaped , and he yelled out the window , "" polly gone ! polly gone ! """,1,en
They say you can never judge a book by its cover. But it's the only way to judge a tribute band,1,en
"What does my daughter have in common with my clock? They're both dead now, but I still get some use out of them twice a day",1,en
What do you call a pickled female deer? A dilldoe.,1,en
Black and white Thanks auto mod ,0,en
do you think professor that my wife should take up the piano as a career? no i think she should put down the lid as a favor .,0,en
"Wait just a minute! You're not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.",0,en
"My friend told me a joke about dominos. It had a really long setup, but in the end it fell flat.",1,en
"I caught my son chewing electrical cords So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly",1,en
Relationship Status: Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board. I can't even get lucky in the spirit world,1,en
"Did Jesus Die A Virgin? Nope, He Got Nailed Right Before.",0,en
Why are art contests so disappointing? They always end in a draw,1,en
"Writing a romcom about a human centipede front that falls in love with a human centipede back. Middle guy is the comic relief ""cockblocker""",1,en
"a man is running after a woman, just until she catches him .",0,en
I bought a stocks for kids with an extra chromosome... I regret it because it keeps going down.,0,en
What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea? An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week.,1,en
What does Sean Connery do with his quiche? He opensh hish doorsh with them.,0,en
what's the difference between a thai man and a thai woman? pls help .,0,en
This day is medieval. Because it's a dragon,0,en
Murphy's law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage,1,en
Both my son and daughter love reddit. That must mean it's heredditary,0,en
Recently a man committed suicide by jumping off a bridge His suicide note said he wanted to live the abridged version of his life.,1,en
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco. He went downhill really fast after that.,1,en
"How long does it take King Zora to move out of your way? A week, a week, a week, a week, a week, a week.",0,en
Seven days without food. Makes one weak,0,en
"if the inventor of the iphone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, i hope the back up power source is an iphone battery .",1,en
The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job. I have half a mind to tell him so,1,en
"Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence... For instance: ""Ben is in a hurry."" ""Ben is in a coma.""",1,en
"how do skeletons kiss skeletons don't have lips, they just bone .",1,en
"My cat is the opposite of a scratch n sniff sticker First he sniffs me, then he starts stratching",1,en
How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine? He's the one with a parachute on his back.,1,en
How do librarians file melted marshmallows? According to the Gooey Decimal System.,1,en
"I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...",1,en
girl : why should i shave my downstairs? guy : because i don't like hair in my food .,1,en
What is reddits least favorite dish? Kung Pao Chicken,1,en
What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics? A hummingbird,1,en
"Please ignore this tweet, I'm pretending to be adding a coworker's phone number.",0,en
how can you tell if someone is from new york? they always talk about how they're from new york .,1,en
why did the banker dump his girlfriend? he lost interest .,1,en
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.,1,en
"Where do bad rainbows go? Prism, it's a light sentence",1,en
They say the heart is the most resilient organ. it can really take a beating,1,en
Why do Televisions have buttons? because they cant have zippers,0,en
What do you call a math teacher who's really into BDSM? A denominatrix.,1,en
My motion sickness... comes in waves,1,en
What does a cucumber and Stephen Hawking have in common? They were both vegetables and still got more action than me,1,en
my parents are so proud of me! i won a math debate .,0,en
"Father in law just made an accidental calculus joke By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my limit.",1,en
you aren't going to believe who the most amazing person is. just read the first two words !,0,en
What do you call a good smelling rapper? Post Cologne ,1,en
"In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus. They both got too close to the son",1,en
"video games allow you to journey to wondrous locations straight out of your dreams such as: warehouse, sewer, and subway tunnel",0,en
I have sensitive teeth. And I'm afraid I'll say something to hurt their fillings,1,en
"I've just opened a casino for dogs where they can play roulette, poker blackjack etc. They'll have to go outside for craps though",1,en
What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle? Octopus Prime.,1,en
How many people can the mods and automod chase out of a subreddit in a single day? Check the upvotes.,0,en
What's the difference between a yoga ball and a person in a wheelchair The yoga ball doesn't scream when I push it down the stairs,1,en
why don't married men live as long as single men? they don't want to !,0,en
"my boss said if i tried to take friday off, i could just take the rest of the year off so that's kinda neat .",1,en
What do you call a smiley face if someone uses it that lives in an igloo? An Eskimoji,1,en
"what insect lives on nothing? moths , because they eat holes .",1,en
"If the Army has chaplains, what does the Navy have? Ship monks.",1,en
"dating is a lot like fishing sure , there's plenty of fish in the sea. but until i catch one , i'm just stuck here holding my rod",1,en
"ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did i just run someone over ?",0,en
"What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself? One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.",1,en
a man walks into the shop of a psychic barber barber: say no more,1,en
"Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower. Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.",1,en
Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus? She heard about his second coming,1,en
my scale is broken. it only seems to go up,1,en
Why was I annoyed after I asked a depressed person for a high five? Because they left me hanging.,1,en
"Special ed classes are superior to the rest in, at least, one thing Chromosome average",1,en
What do you call a selfless pastrami? Pastramyou,0,en
my boyfriend isn't allowed to break up with me . you wanna see other people? look out the window .,0,en
"Movie Law: All computer hackers have to say ""We're in"" when they get into ""the system""",1,en
"A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.",1,en
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton,1,en
In what situation would you need Nancy to come out of the ground? in an emergenancy,0,en
What is doggystyle with a minor called? Puppystyle. ,0,en
i'd run a marathon but i don't know if i can handle the commitment. i mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon ?,1,en
had a big lunch at taco bell. off to the woods to prove a point,0,en
"when you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will .",0,en
"dating tip: to impress your date , put a napkin on your lap . along with your plate . and the table . and the waiter . you're now the restaurant .",1,en
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful,0,en
what kind of bait do you need to catch a master fish? super bait,0,en
What do you call someone who worships Doritos? A chip monk.,1,en
"Money's missing from under my pillow, I think I've been visited by the teef fairy.",0,en
The writers for The Office have drifted out of touch with modern office life. Nobody is employed anymore,1,en
Special ed part of the school? Down town,0,en
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.,1,en
Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off.,1,en
what's the difference between wendy's and windows? wendy's is never frozen .,0,en
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.,1,en
"interviewer : if harry potter was real , what hogwarts house would you be in? me : what do you mean "" if "" harry potter was real",1,en
what do you call a young gold digger? a miner,1,en
"what's the best class in school if you want to be a doctor? weight training , it gives you the most patients .",1,en
"Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you've done for other people?",0,en
"What happened when the sausage came in first? An announcer said, ""Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wiener!""",1,en
What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes? Herr Jordan,1,en
how do you turn a robot on? you push his power button .,0,en
my roommate said i might be schizophrenic. but what does he know i don't even have a roommate,1,en
Erection equation The angle of the dangle is proportional to the throb of the knob provided the urge is kept constant,1,en
So Apple wants to diversify their company. They should just press the home button three times,0,en
"Went to the dog car dealership. I could tell the salespeople were friendly, since I got all the Volkswagen at me!",1,en
What did people call Ice Cube when he had nits? Lice Cube,1,en
Why did the time traveler invent Starbucks? To hire failed artists so they don't start another world war again.,1,en
The author finally found the spineless guy who stole her unpublished draft. She got her paperback and booked it,0,en
"a joke i made up yesterday . . . relationships are like socks . they're cool with me, as long as they are the same color .",1,en
What did the baker name her dog? Pido.,1,en
"how many figures does a stripper make? i don't know , but it's not a father figure .",1,en
how do we know that insects are so clever? because they always know when your eating outside !,1,en
"After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.",1,en
second chances: when it just didn't hurt enough the first time .,0,en
"in the morning , i woke up on the floor next to my bed. i must have fell asleep",0,en
How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.,1,en
what is the dairy farmer's favorite exercise? calf raises .,1,en
"My thesis on Orbital Flatulence took seven years of hard work... Well, that's what I tell everyone. I was really just farting around.",1,en
just found some clothes my ex left here. perfect timing since i'm out of toilet paper,0,en
Why did the clock get sent to the principal's office? For tocking too much.,0,en
Just went sledding for the first time I liked it until I got on the sled. It was all down hill from there,1,en
"i don't see dead people, but i do always see spiders that aren't really there .",1,en
Q: What's the strongest bird? A: A crane.,0,en
"once a marine, always a marine . even if you're now working at subway . you're a submarine .",1,en
Have you watched the documentary about sponges? It's absorbing.,1,en
What would You call a Royal Family if it was a sandwich filling? You would call it InBread.,1,en
"I can't afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I'm wearing them.",1,en
What is the only fruit you can sit on? A cherry.,0,en
i met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse. he told me the end is neigh,0,en
What is Imperator Furiosa's least favorite type of ice cream? Rocky Road.,0,en
How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony !,0,en
"What kind of men is the worst ? The disable one, they never stand up for woman. ",1,en
"If movies have taught me anything, it's that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.",1,en
Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.,1,en
"so if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ' please delete my internet history ' into any hole on the computer",0,en
what's the best thing from new york city? the train to boston,1,en
People: nothing is irreversible!! Planned parenthood: except reversing that which has been reversed. ,0,en
What's cold and six feet under? This fetus and it's mother.,0,en
Chris brown really hits you can ask rihanna,0,en
"for all those men who say "" why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? "" i say : why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage !",1,en
you guys wanna hear a joke? my life .,0,en
What do you call a long line at a cookout? A barbequeue.,1,en
What is an emo's favorite note? G ...get it? EDIT: im not saying the reference,0,en
"I served baby rabbit this evening. It got over the net, but there was practically no bounce",0,en
What do call a horse that lives near you? A naybor,1,en
"me: "" hello ? yeah hi i'm calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen , what's her number ? """,0,en
q : what do you call a video of pedestrians? a : footage .,0,en
How did the fish's tail get stuck in the anchor chain? It was just a fluke!,0,en
My wife keeps telling me that I'm the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I'm not buying it,1,en
How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist? Ask them what 'unsigned' means.,1,en
"Baby, let's configure our hard drives in master and slave position.",0,en
Why are magicians always sad? Because everything they have disappears,1,en
I was walking down the street trying to figure out why Dodge named their truck 'Ram'... then it hit me.,0,en
The Simpsons will never run out of money. Homer's always bringing home the D'oh!,0,en
I fell off a forty foot ladder today. lucky I was on the bottom rung,0,en
"I don't know about you guys, but I think Jesus would definitely have had a hard time paying for my sins on a carpenters salary.",1,en
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I've only ever known her as Christine,1,en
I wonder what Liam Neeson would be doing if he hadn't become an action star.  The road without Taken.,0,en
what phone service has the fastest internet? Sprint,0,en
Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses,1,en
"My wife is so negative I remembered the car seat, the stroll, the diaper bag all she talks about is how i forgot the baby",1,en
Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils. They're a massage in a bottle,1,en
Did you hear about the haunted house shortage? Many people have run out of them.,1,en
Where do dinosaurs get their pickles from? Vlasic Park,0,en
Why is the universe expanding? It needs more space.,0,en
"wife wants to relax today ! wife : today , i want to relax , so i have brought three movie tickets . husband : why three tickets? wife : you and your parents .",0,en
girl logic: i'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less .,1,en
fact : your elbow is the most delicious part of the human body. try it,0,en
You can't trust a deli sandwich. They're full of bologna.,1,en
The British Pound? You mean the British Ounce.,1,en
What's the difference between the darkjokes mods and immigrants? Some immigrants are good people.,1,en
Why can't Santa do a backflip? Because he's not real.,0,en
where did the crab work inside her new job at the pizza factory? at the crust station .,1,en
"And the award for the best neckwear goes to. Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie",1,en
What kind of bug wants to buy lawn turf? A gras shopper.,1,en
"i told my bf i dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. later , i found a wrapped box from him , with a book entitled "" the meaning of dreams """,0,en
what did the dog do with the history professor? they got together and talked over old times .,1,en
"wait in a dressing room until an employee comes to ask if they can help. answer yes , pause , then say , "" but i need to be able to trust you """,1,en
How do government employees wink when they're at work? They briefly open one eye.,1,en
What kind of elephants live in Antartica? Cold ones !,0,en
i saw a bible study once. it did really well on the exam,1,en
"Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.",1,en
"want to hear me say something funny? well alright then....""something funny"" there",0,en
"I went into a convenience store today... I asked the shop keeper if they sell stationery there. He replied no, they're allowed to move around.",0,en
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I'll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine,1,en
"Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along",1,en
How is a picket fence like a mini skirt? They both protect the property but they don't spoil the view.,1,en
When I first meet someone I always want to talk about that movie with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. but the Titanic is a terrible ice breaker,0,en
Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.,0,en
"circumcisions are painful. when i got mine right after i was born , i couldn't walk for nearly a year",1,en
My girl says I'm like a volcano in bed. Dormant,0,en
What was Superman's first job? A Clark.,1,en
"When you eat the food at the bottom of the food pyramid, all the food on the top makes money.",1,en
I'm part Welsh and part Hungarian. I guess that makes me Well Hung,1,en
"commitment doesn't mean sticking to one person forever, it means keeping a relationship with someone even though you have lots of options .",1,en
"whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, i always say he hasn't told us yet .",1,en
i'm not a pessimist. i have a b negative blood type,1,en
"my girlfriend doesn't give me any space in the bed, so i bought a bigger bed .",1,en
Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast. Turns out it was her belt buckle,0,en
"this subreddit has terrible puns on pretty much every subject. in particular , it has puns about the scottish",1,en
Why did the robot get detention? Because he was accused of Boolean.,1,en
"friendship is so weird. you just pick a human you've met and you're like ""yup I like this one"" and you just do stuff with them",1,en
"My dog LOVES dark chocolate. He doesn't care about antioxidants, it's all about great taste for him",1,en
does anyone know how to change the batteries in a dead kitten? please help .,0,en
what do lady gaga and e . l . james have in common? they both wrote bad romance .,1,en
How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts? One has boooooobs. The other gets full pay at their jobs.,1,en
Why don't anteaters ever get sick? Because they are full of antibodies!,0,en
how do you steal a coat? you jacket .,1,en
My doctor told me I needed to see a rheumatologist. I told him that's a strange way to say interior designer,1,en
My Prius had an oil leak Had to pay for a tampon to stop it up,0,en
You ever plug and unplug your grandmother's life support over and over? So you can make a beat out of her heart beats?,0,en
So many good trailers; so few good movies.,0,en
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me,0,en
that's the last time i buy underwear at a yard sale. i don't want to talk about it,1,en
What do you call Russian trees? Dimitrees,1,en
What is the most ironic name for a vegan? Hunter.,1,en
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies!,0,en
"i told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat .",0,en
If you get struck by lighting you get a superpower called cancer. It was so good the avengers came to my hospital room to let me on the team!,0,en
Friend: I love India's informal labor economy. Easy to get cheap labor Me: I love a good capitalism,1,en
"In ""Beantown"" for the night. I expected more burritos",1,en
"i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon",0,en
"I used to like Mitch Hedberg I still do, but I used to too",0,en
did you know that ants are free? you can just take one !,0,en
"ESPN is cutting a few hundred jobs. So tomorrow's AM radio show will be ""Mike and Some Random People from Twitter in the Morning""",1,en
A man asks a woman to beat his meat. She says ok but once i start you cant make me stop so are you sure you want it? Yes he says. She pulls out a bat.,0,en
"Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight.",1,en
where do birds invest their money? in the stork market !,1,en
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor? He teaches Taekwon D'oh!,1,en
"When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.",0,en
Why are walls typically white? So the contrast between wall and robber is good,1,en
"what can you tell your dog but not your girlfriend? sit down and beg there are a million answers to this . come on reddit , make my day better .",0,en
"yes , i am having meat on friday. i won't tell god if you don't",0,en
Do what you love and you'll never work a day of your life. Thats why I got a degree in gender studies,1,en
"there aren't that many casinos in africa . cause there are too many cheetahs . and if you meet one who claims he isn't a cheetah, he's probably lion to you .",0,en
How do you treat a wounded lemon? With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.,0,en
"""And on the seventh day God rested"". because even omnipotent beings need rest too, ya know",1,en
", find me a rainbow. i never understand lyrics anyway",0,en
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.,0,en
"What did Matthew McConaughey say when he got a scholarship? Fulbright, fulbright, fulbright...",1,en
How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? Take all the matches out first !,0,en
"i do not take credit for this joke cash or checks are fine, though .",1,en
Too drowsy to operate heavy machinery. Moving on to light firearms,1,en
thanks for sharing your moon with me on instagram. we don't have a moon where i live,0,en
"Hey girl, are you a derivative function? Cuz I wanna be tangent to your curves.",0,en
I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents. Mine can't even find the butter in the fridge,1,en
this joke tops everything. this joke everything,0,en
"I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. ""What's this for? "" He asked. ""A pay rise."" I replied. ""My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.""",1,en
dinner guests coming over later and i got nothing. does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks ?,1,en
what happens when you scare an old lady? depends .,0,en
"Help! My husband's too controlling! Edit: No he's not, he's a really nice guy",0,en
"beware of tv. it has the power to turn things like storage , parking and cupcakes into wars",0,en
"""All men are the same. "" Said a chineese woman as she lost her husband in a crowd",1,en
"What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.",1,en
"When member's of meeting are told, ""please be seated And don't run away""... Next time remember to change out of your running gears for meeting.",0,en
Jokes we made up when we were kids? I have one. Why did the boy band break up? They weren't N'sync,1,en
Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes its painful sometimes its enjoyable most of the time its hard but mostly your just happy it keeps goin,0,en
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball? It was a moth ball !,0,en
"What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt. What's brown, runny, and sticky? Usain Bolt drenched in maple syrup.",0,en
What is the photographer's favorite car? Ford Focus,0,en
I asked my husband: How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee? He replied... ...It's hard,1,en
"sometimes , i miss being in a relationship. but then i look in my wallet and feel alright again",0,en
"Woman: Please send an ambulance, I'm having contradictions!! Operator: Ma'am, do you mean 'contractions'? Woman: Yes! No!",0,en
"don't put all my eggs in one basket? nice try , basket industry .",0,en
my fitbit was delivered today. it's still sitting in the mailbox because i don't want to walk all the way out there,1,en
"i'm reading a book on evolution threedots the beginning wasn't great, but it's getting better over time .",0,en
Someone just suggested that I use Mapquest. I suggested that he use a rotary phone,0,en
"What's Gollum's favourite food? Scallops, scallops!",0,en
Why are organ donations low? Because most people have pianos,1,en
Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks? Because he was Legoless,1,en
good friends help you move. great friends help you move bodies,0,en
What do you call it when a senior donates to an alzheimer's charity? An investment,1,en
"If the Austrian Police had a Orchestra, what instrument would they use? The Glockenspiel.",1,en
What was the first thing the stowaway to Mars said after he landed? Just out of Curiosity...,0,en
what do you call a female deer that's pickled? a dill doe .,1,en
i feel like i have something to prove here. judge : that's sort of how this works,0,en
What do you get when you cross dancing and an act of god? Deus Ex Macarena,0,en
"If you know there's going to be a nuclear attack, surround yourself with a bunch of microwave popcorn. Awesome last image",0,en
how do yo get to sesame street? unzip my pants and ask big bird,0,en
leonardo dicaprio set to play a long john silver in his next role. having previous experience with spending most of his years searching for gold,1,en
What do you call it when a girl takes a bath on her period? Egg drop soup,1,en
"If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off...  If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.",0,en
Sorry; I didn't get your message because I deleted it without listening.,0,en
why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye? because she was seeing somebody on the side .,1,en
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk? A Great Dane out !,0,en
you know what i did before i married? anything i wanted to .,0,en
"relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night , because i'm wearing the same shirt as last night .",1,en
"My mother is displeased with me. In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright",1,en
What's green and not heavy? Light green h,0,en
"I find an injured girl emerging from the woods. Shocked and alarmed, I immediately applied lube before her wounds could clot",0,en
"I setup a boxing club for my children to learn self defense. I had a club and the children had gloves , last child standing wins. ",1,en
"woah. you can say ""Houston we have a problem"" in messy situations that have nothing to do with astronauts or texas? this changes everthing",1,en
when a man becomes rich he becomes naughty when a woman becomes naughty. she becomes rich,1,en
What do you tell a worried guitar? Don't fret,1,en
Women are like voltron. the more you hook up the better it is,1,en
"my older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "" ironic "" to describe situations in her life. it's pretty ironic",1,en
i don't trust chairs. they just don't sit right with me,1,en
"When the zombie invaded a school, why did he go to the special ed room only? He was a vegan",1,en
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house,1,en
My company uses salt water to solve any problem. We are called Saline Solutions,1,en
"Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell ""She's right there! "" every time she comes on the screen until you're escorted out of the theater.",1,en
what do paper towels call their family? napkin,1,en
"Whenever you're awaiting the sweet sweet embrace of death, just remember.... The best rides have the longest lines",0,en
Poison control sounds pretty easy. Most poisons can't even move,1,en
What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer? A Tattoo.,1,en
my circumcision left me quite sore. i couldn't walk for two whole years !,0,en
"roses are red, I love to rhyme, did you guys know, Hitler didn't commit a crime",0,en
why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !,1,en
Thank you for calling the constipation hotline. Please hold,0,en
I was thinking about telling a Thailand joke. But Phucket,0,en
"somewhere two teens in a love triangle are saying ""she faves you, but she RTs me"" to one another",1,en
why does a blonde wear green lipstick? because red means stop .,1,en
what kind of cigarettes do california kids smoke? yours .,1,en
"Researchers found out, ... ... after someone finally opened the door.",1,en
What happens when you force two mirrors to confront each other A bit of self reflection. Baziiing,1,en
"yeah yeah "" friends with benefits "" are cool but have you tried "" friends with batteries ""? less drama !",1,en
Someone's deodorant is not working. And I know it's not me because I'm not wearing any,1,en
The thing about suicides Q: What's worse than suicide? A: the life before it.,0,en
"C'mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.",0,en
They organized a lookalike competition in China. Everybody won!,1,en
"the best jokes are the ones that have to be explained . get it? because that's the opposite of the truth , i was using sarcasm .",1,en
"What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look Dad, no hands!",0,en
"People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like",1,en
Where do Bears go to read books? The libeary.,1,en
"if anyone asks, we met at a bible study .",1,en
I was going to ask my girlfriend to move in with me But I forgot she lives in my basement,0,en
"He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I'll ask again when he wakes up",0,en
What do composers prepare their ingredients on? A Chopin board,1,en
The live action Little Mermaid will never get done. Halle Bailey won't work. She's just gonna monkey around.,0,en
"You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it ""Chumbawumba, "" right?",1,en
"Baby, you remind me of a perennial. cause you always make me come more than once",0,en
"i always try to hold the door open for women i see walk by , so we can talk and get to know each other. but none of them will get in my car",1,en
What do you call a sick Pokemon? Pikachoo,1,en
"There is no ""i"" in ""team."" But there's an ""i"" in ""Tim, "" and my friend Carlos pronounces it ""team."" So there we go.",1,en
Where do toilets live? Porcel Lane.,1,en
What rings in the morning and causes paul to wake up Tinnitus ,0,en
Hermione Granger: What can I wear that won't make me look fat? Ronald Weasley: An invisibility cloak,1,en
"look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens",1,en
"When ur girl makes you lose a fortnite game ""Alexa, play kim by Eminem""",0,en
"if i can use dollar bills to make it rain, are dollar coins golden showers ?",1,en
I was fired from my job in the pasta factory. I made a fusilli errors,1,en
"the original title for star wars was "" skywalker : texas ranger "". starring chuck norris",1,en
Why did the two radio broadcasters get along so well? They were on the same wavelength.,1,en
"My girlfriend said to me, ""I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.""  I said, ""Good idea! We can cover more ground that way!""",1,en
What kind of bird gives the best head? A Swallow,1,en
Do insurance companies consider property damages caused by ISIS. an act of god,1,en
What do you call an American school shooting? Normal.,1,en
"tifu by accidentally playing music off of my neighbors speakers. whoops , wrong sub",0,en
how can you tell that a straight pin is confused? just look at it . it's headed in one direction and pointed in the other .,1,en
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in? The Marinara Trench,0,en
What website do emo kids use for business networking? LinkedIn Park,0,en
Great news teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine. So what's so great about that? It's snowing outside!,0,en
"the only people that feel bad about wasting their life are the people that wouldn't be able to do anything useful with it, anyway .",1,en
An orchestra went to the desert Which member felt the warmest? The conductor.,1,en
"What kind of fish is funny, beautiful and a good role model for young women? Tuna Fey.",0,en
What is the most common cause of feline blindness? Cataracts,1,en
Why did the hovering guitarist always look worried? He was always fretting over something or other...,1,en
what's the biggest type of tree? a country .,1,en
"Now that ""twerking"" is in the Oxford dictionary, we probably can go back to grunting and hitting things to communicate.",1,en
"doctor , doctor! i feel like a deck of cards just sit down and i'll deal with you later",0,en
"So I was using a zester on a lemon recently, when I paused for a second and realised... ..that I was only just scratching the surface.",0,en
q : what is yellow and wears a mask? a : the lone lemon .,0,en
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer,1,en
what's the best part about getting head from an infant? watching the soft spot move .,1,en
Did you hear about the microbiologist who travelled around the world? He was a man of many cultures,1,en
So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day. and the punchline had him in stitches,1,en
what man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other? a surgeon .,1,en
"when someone says "" surprise me "", i immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men .",1,en
When you talk you repeat what you already know; but if you listen you often learn something new.,0,en
I was talking to my ex and she got the wrong end of the stick. The end that had been sharpened to a fine point,1,en
"Just saw a car with ""Just Married"" on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..",1,en
i forgot a bag of groceries in my taxi. it's been driving me bananas,1,en
"Gene Therapy The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder. This is the place for wordplay, right?",1,en
"blood is thicker than water , but maple syrup is thicker than blood. therefore , pancakes are more important than family",1,en
"I know the kids don't like you and pick on you, but you have to go to school. you're the teacher",0,en
"If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman's parents. Fair is fair",1,en
Where did people find out that Pluto was no longer a planet? The orbituaries.,1,en
What's in Poison Ivy's underpants? Tulips.,0,en
i can control what you do next in life. made you click,0,en
what do you find hanging from cherry trees? your arms have gotten sore .,1,en
What's a Chinese fisherman's least favorite part of living in Hollywood? Pilot season,0,en
the boy was having trouble learning about computer memory. he kept forgetting everything,1,en
call your laptop what it really is: bed tv .,0,en
There's been four dudes wandering around our local cemetery all morning. I think they've lost the plot,1,en
you know what they say about a man with average sized feet. it's really easy to find shoes for him,1,en
"Released a book about saving trees, Green Peace was not impressed.",1,en
"Unlike MC Hammer's regulations, you can pretty much touch anything of mine you want.",0,en
Doesn't it concern you that stick bugs are way more complex than stick people? They're on a whole other dimension,1,en
why does Felxible by Tory Lanez have such a good beat because it features Chris Brown ,1,en
Nick Cordero recently lost a leg due to Corona... I guess you could say he isn't A Stand Up Guy anymore.,0,en
"i tried that whole "" if you love something, set it free "" thing but my kids are still here .",0,en
him : what are you looking for on this dating site? me : someone who will hold the cats down so i can take pics of them wearing sunglasses .,0,en
I've started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.,1,en
Did you hear about the nun who only made her clothes out of rags she found on the street? She had a very odd habit.,1,en
What's the best thing about dating a blind woman? They come with their own sticks. ,1,en
"interviewer : any questions? me : on the sitcom friends , how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them",1,en
How did the hermit crab show off his new apartment? He took a shelfie.,0,en
The biggest problem with my business selling pens and pencils. Having stationery stock,1,en
One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline. We go way back,1,en
"It's my friend's birthday today! I would give him a gift, but it's No Nut November.",0,en
"What's the difference between a nurse taking a patient's pulse and a champion runner? One records the beats, the other beats the records.",1,en
The trouble with jokes about herbal tea. Is that you can see the punchline camomile away,1,en
"there's no easy way to say this threedots she sells sea shells on the sea shore, the shells that she sells are sea shells for sure .",0,en
"people assume when i yawn that i've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, i was never interested .",1,en
How many bones are in a human hand? A handful,1,en
"i'd complain about the bathroom smelling like pine, but i'm sure it's better than whatever smell the pine is covering up .",1,en
where do you go during a zombie apocalypse? the living room .,0,en
"so a banana gets a job , how much does he make? not that much he's working for scale .",1,en
why should ray charles be a psychologist? because he feels for everyone .,1,en
"I always liked song ""Pumped up Kicks"" But after today at school.. it became relatable",1,en
Went to the proctologist. ended up with a ;,1,en
"Hey Tim Burton, it's okay to be out of ideas.",0,en
What pokemon does South America have that other continents don't? Zikachu.,0,en
I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region. Much like my wife,1,en
i don't get nervous if i'm surrounded by beautiful women. i know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me,1,en
Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor. no one slaps Chuck Norris,0,en
if the shoe fits threedots congratulations. you've correctly measured your feet,1,en
What do you call a house that changes every month? A Werehouse.,1,en
"When someone asks ""You know what I think? "", I say ""Yes I do"". End of discussion.",1,en
Never argue with a woman when she's tired. or when she's rested,1,en
Banging a girl is like eating pasta. Without the cheese what's the point?,1,en
"What a truly wonderful day, the birds are singing, the children are playing And people are ending their lives",0,en
How do you send a dog to space? Laika boss.,0,en
"Of course Tom Cruise will complete his mission. With Xenu, all things are possible",0,en
What's the worst aspect about Calculus teachers? They always go off on tangents in class.,1,en
What's an archaeologist's favorite verb? Bone.,1,en
"my wife came out of the shower and said , "" i shaved "" down there "" . you know what that means? "" i said , "" yeah you clogged the drain again . """,1,en
"How much for the soulmate? Ma'am, that's a bag of Doritos.",0,en
I'm not always sarcastic. there's a lot of times I mean every bit of what I say,1,en
did you hear about the guy who ate glass? it was pretty clear how he died .,1,en
"More ""kills"" on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is. American Swiper",1,en
What was the atmosphere like in the silent wooden part of a hospital? It was an oakward experience.,1,en
Yesterday I brought my friend home with me because my wife always said that she wanted two ins,1,en
Saudi Arabia hates Scooby Doo. But Abu Dhabi Doo,0,en
I wouldn't recommend becoming an escapologist. I can't get out.,1,en
Why is being anti vax and pro choice the same? Because the baby's gonna end up dead either way.,0,en
You think you have a bad job? I'm working at the Return Desk at Toy R' Us in Connecticut,0,en
What did the polygamist horse get on his wedding night? A double bridle,0,en
Trust us: the feminine form of 'ghostbuster' is 'ghostbuster'.,1,en
"Thanksgiving will be extra special this year Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.",0,en
Why did Michael Jackson change his skin color? He wanted to lower the difficulty of the game of life.,1,en
My wife's just like my kids. Imaginary,0,en
"My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology. ""They're not the only ones,"" I said, looking at his mobility scooter",1,en
why did the hipster die? someone told him billions of people were alive .,1,en
"At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts... Its what they call Ninjary time.",1,en
I have always wanted to watch American History X. But I have never been able to find the first nine,0,en
why did your sister jump out the window? because she wanted to try out her new spring suit,0,en
Mew and Mewtwo are both on a slanted roof. Who falls first? Neither. They can both levitate.,1,en
"Umbrage is like regular brage, but um...",1,en
How do you reward a chicken journalist? With a poulette surprise!,0,en
How did the blonde break her leg from raking the leaves? She fell out of the tree.,0,en
"hey reddit , ever hear the one about no and me neither? me neither .",0,en
'Charity begins at home' is the truest saying. Does anyone want to donate me some money for my starving children?,1,en
One thing that archaeological discoveries have taught us. Ancient people loved drinking from broken cups,1,en
"cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine .",1,en
Whats a tacticians favorite cut of meat? Flank,1,en
what did the chill pigeon say? coo . coo .,0,en
What do you call a vegetable that's only kinda cool? Radish,1,en
What is a dentist's favorite soda? All of them.,1,en
I'm trying to bring a taco into this club. let's see if the bouncer finds it when he frisks me,0,en
If Lebron's so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts,0,en
"I told my daughter, 'Its always been my dream to walk you down the aisle.' She said: 'Dad, we're grocery shopping.'",1,en
"So my friend gave me half a pie. So i said, ""No that's one pi""",1,en
"As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.",1,en
did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement? he's finding it hard to deal with .,1,en
"My father just texted that he's been kicked off the roof of a Cleveland casino for grilling hotdogs, if you ever wondered why I am this way.",0,en
My dad was really good at Russian roulette In fact he only lost one time,1,en
when a women says ' what? ' it's not because she didn't hear you . shes giving you a chance to change what you said .,0,en
my blood type is also my life motto: b positive,1,en
"Did anybody else see the lunar eclipse tonight? I looked, but I couldn't see it.",1,en
why do flies hate the shower? because the only thing to eat is shampoo .,1,en
"Did you hear about the ghost who was a great football player? No, what about him? He's a spooktacular quarterback.",1,en
For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral... Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.,0,en
"How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia? If the shutter makes a ""crick"" noise.",1,en
You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie. Because some of you should need to pick drama,0,en
"How many countries' flags make an appearance at every auto race in the world? Two. Libya's to start the race, and France's to signal there's one lap to go.",1,en
what's the difference between an orphanage and a beach ball? you won't go to prison for blowing up a beach ball .,0,en
I come from a musical family. Even our sewing machine was a singer,1,en
What did the poet with hemorrhoids say? I'm stuffin the puffin back into my muffin.,0,en
"why do we need art? because the earth without art is just "" eh "" .",1,en
You know what they say about forgetting? I forgot.,0,en
Boyfriend's on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones. I'm on the couch wondering when our periods synced,1,en
"Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don't panic. She's just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.",1,en
"i held a baby today. i was scared it would make me want a baby , but it just made me want to be a baby",0,en
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon? A parsnip.,1,en
My friend gets Stephen Hawkin and Tony hawk confused because of their last name I get them confused because they're both on wheels.,1,en
"I must remember. no matter how well hidden I might be in my cardoard box fort, my boss can still track me down by the giggling",1,en
Why are bank offices so cold? They're trying to freeze their assets.,1,en
"Was that pun intended? Nope, unintended.",0,en
"we were without phone , tv and internet access for a few hours today. it was terrifying because i almost got some work done",1,en
how do snails get their shells all shiny? they use snail polish .,1,en
how did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? he was shocked .,1,en
Tried to unlock my door with a banana. How am I still alive?,0,en
Why do cars hate going to funerals? They're always open gasket.,1,en
"If an officer. Ever wants you to say the alphabet backwards, just say ""het tebahpla""",1,en
"i'm so attractive whenever i enter a room, the lights get turned on",1,en
Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day,0,en
What does Metallica's St. Anger and Star Wars VIII have in common? No solo.,0,en
Why didn't the rabbit want to mate outside? Because it was Frigid,0,en
what's pink and hard? ... Micheal Jackson...still.,0,en
"Ice cream van accidents are very rare. But unfortunately, they always result in the loss of hundreds and thousands",1,en
I love milk. It's got lots of cowcium,0,en
""" i guess i didn't get my birthday wish . "" "" how do you know? "" "" you're still here ! """,0,en
My dad has been ill lately so to make him feel better I played my electric guitar. Too bad I had to pull the plug to plug my amp in. ,1,en
what is red and hangs around trees? a baby hit by a snow blower,0,en
Why they never refuel in Fast and Furious? Vin Diesel,0,en
What's an environmentalist's favorite part of a computer? The recycle bin.,1,en
"What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?  Nothing, they're already stuffed...",0,en
what do you call a puppy in a desert? a hot dog .,1,en
What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her? The same thing he told her the first time!,1,en
"Just accidentally used ""then"" instead of ""than"" and now I know what it feels like to be imperfect! Weird",0,en
Hunger Games. Zimbabwe's favorite pastime,1,en
why does britain love tea so much? because tea leaves .,1,en
Sushant Singh Rajput played MS Dhoni's role because he loves to play in death overs,1,en
"Last night I ate a full package of Cinncinati zoo Gosh, I must've spent hours in the bathroom.",0,en
"why can't mimes finish marathons? because they can't get past "" the wall "" .",1,en
"the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....",1,en
"i want this guy to teach me to fish, but he keeps handing me lemons .",0,en
"Nike and TOMS are embarking on a joint venture... ...for every pair of shoes you buy, they'll donate a pair to the child who made them.",1,en
"martin asked david "" in which state does the ohio river run? "" david answered with cool "" in the liquid state . """,1,en
i never point out when someone's zipper is down. i just zip it up for them,1,en
What's one thing Rolf Harris couldn't do around children? Tie his kangaroo down,0,en
What is a ghosts favourite job? Tax Inspectre,1,en
"How are one night stands like savings accounts? ...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.",1,en
I'm having second thoughts about booking time to visit an Indian community. I guess I'm having reservation reservation reservations,1,en
"i'm not all that interested in astronomy but, i really dig uranus .",1,en
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza? Skinning the vegan.,1,en
My wife kept taking her pan collection and walking around with it. I tried to stop her but She is the one who hoard the pans around the house.,1,en
What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery? Namaste,1,en
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance? Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.,1,en
"baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive",0,en
why isn't there golf in the paralympics? because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was .,1,en
doctor who. he can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day england,1,en
what gives milk and has a horn? a milk tank !,0,en
What do you take from a kid who's mosh behaving? Virginity.,0,en
What's it called when you poke a Scantron to make it laugh? A test tickle.,0,en
Why was the paleontologist angry? Because he had a bone to pick.,1,en
i'm going back to sleep. i refuse to give up on my dreams that easily,0,en
What do you call it when someone steals your footrest? Grand Theft Ottoman,1,en
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!,0,en
"Apathy, lethargy, stationary. Words to live by",1,en
who has one thumb and survived a band saw accident? this guy !,0,en
what's a dog favourite hobby? collecting fleas !,0,en
"Why is there so much ""twang"" in Country music? It is the sound a guitar makes after six or seven generations of inbreeding.",1,en
netflix reminds me of my girlfriend probably because it's constantly asking me if i'm still here. or maybe because it's not a real human being,1,en
How are UFO's related to hamburgers? Both are Unidentified Frying Objects!,1,en
bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. i gotta start dressing smarter,0,en
"I can't afford Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, so I bought the generic brand. They're MEH",1,en
"I've just been to a concert starring the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared",1,en
I can't be her sugar daddy I have diabetes.,0,en
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawkings house? Neither has he,0,en
what's the difference between a male and female chocolate easter bunny? about a quarter inch of chocolate,1,en
"Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because without that, what else is there to destroy?",0,en
"how do porcupines make love? very , very carefully .",1,en
Stay in school kids It's easier to pick you up from there,1,en
What do you call a Sikh with a purple turban? Lavinder Singh,1,en
"""You're saying it's all an act? Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.",0,en
How do you get three popes into a Volkswagen? You take off their hats,1,en
where does a hedge knight invest his money? in a hedge fund,1,en
"Why do orphans don't have to pay rent? They live everywhere. plus they don't have a ""pay rent"" to begin with.",1,en
How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits? They were impressive!,1,en
The sausage mogul Jimmy Dean has passed away. Someone just sent me the link!!!!,0,en
got my right hand a valentines day card. had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise,0,en
CW: Why don't you ever wear your hair down? Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So? Me: I don't want to encourage that,0,en
My wife has been working on the same Sudoku puzzle for weeks! But she assures me its days are numbered.,0,en
What is the best thing to come out of Italy? An empty bus..,0,en
What is the NYPD'S favorite song? It's raining men,1,en
"Did you hear about the man who dated the puppet? Once bedtime came around, they were both wooden!",0,en
what do you call the horse than lives next door? a neighbour !,1,en
What do you call traffic in The Czech Republic? Praguetory,1,en
"What do you call a fashion designer, who is not yet sure about his new collection? Tommy Hilfigeritout",0,en
why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? because you said it was pound cake !,0,en
Just saw a spider scurry across the floor. It's too bad; I really liked living here,0,en
"my doctor told me i had high blood pressure , i took this news like i do everything else. with a pinch of salt",0,en
"Do hairy people get bed head all over? Ma'am, I just called to see if you're happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.",1,en
"what goes "" oh oh oh ""? santa walking backwards .",1,en
What do you call a dog with a lot of friends? Pawpular!,0,en
"if you told them they would be on tv, millions would sign up for "" so you think you can survive the vacuum of space "" .",1,en
"After a terrible storm, a farmer realizes he needs to revamp his fence. Sorry, repost",0,en
why did broke man fall over? he ran out of balance,0,en
can someone call me right now? i'm at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell .,0,en
Apparently they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was,1,en
What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters? Jesus may actually return some day.,0,en
"Living in Russia. Living in Russia in the winter, you're already snowden",0,en
What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.,1,en
"I was just reading about the Volkswagen fiasco recently, and something puzzled me. It's not like Germans to get gas emissions wrong",1,en
what is the difference between men and women? a woman wants one man to satisfy her every need threedots a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need .,0,en
what's the best time of day? the spanish inquisition . . . . . . nobody expects the spanish inquisition .,1,en
"According to daytime tv commercials. just by being alive, you may entitled to compensation from somebody and a lawyer is there to get paid",1,en
I don't understand why John Travolta hasn't shaved I keep seeing in the news that he lost his beard.,0,en
Why was Anne Frank hiding in such a small room? Because she had too much frank.,0,en
"I'm hesitant to use the word ""genius, "" but I just answered the last five questions on Sesame Street correctly.",1,en
Did you hear about the reading festival in Florida? I heard they were giving out free magazines to everyone. ,1,en
"As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow's family Easter egg hunts.",1,en
Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money? She didn't believe in prophets.,1,en
Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies? Orphans.,1,en
"What programs do depressed coders write? ""Goodbye World""",1,en
"what did shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting? "" anne hath a way . """,1,en
What do you call an expert that studies sign language? A signtist!,1,en
Sometimes at night I look up at the stars and think. I should really get a roof for this house,1,en
why is gravity so weak? because it doesn't lift,1,en
The german car company Volkswagen Tests their car's gasses on humans now. At least one thing they're syill good at.,1,en
"I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great. I just kneaded the dough I'm sorry, I'll leave now",0,en
I saw my friend's girl sleeping with another man in the army but didn't tell him. It was a private affair,1,en
"Why are the orphans so worried about hurricane Florence? Like, what's the worst that could happen? They become homeless?",1,en
Why is there no life on Mars? No WiFi...,0,en
"What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.",0,en
My friend told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn't remotely funny,1,en
"I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing... And now my pet snake has a huge tumor",0,en
What do you call a safe space for women? The kitchen,1,en
"my friend asked me if i wanted to skip class . i said "" nah, i think i'll pass . """,1,en
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties... ...now I sneak out of parties to go home. ,0,en
"What did the big ape say when he dialed incorrectly? ""Oops! King Kong ring wrong.""",0,en
"They say, money cant bring you happiness, Apparently they never own a cotton farm.",0,en
"He had a hard on, But he sure was easy!",0,en
okay canada . you've made your point . will you take winter back now? please,0,en
If a drummer comes out of retirement... Will there be repercussions?,0,en
What do you call a kosher pepper? A hallowed pano.,1,en
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial,1,en
What is Cthulu's favorite pizza? deep dish,0,en
"For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.",1,en
"What did Kris Kross tell the nervous paratrooper? ""Tell her you're a paratrooper. Chicks dig that kind of thing.""",0,en
What is the Bacteria's favorite dish? the Meecrob,1,en
"Why are sergeants so successful in physical contests? Three stripes, you rout.",1,en
What looks like a dog sounds like a dog eats like a dog but isn't a dog? A pup.,0,en
Did you hear about the guy that got trampled by the triplets? He's six feet under now.,1,en
Babies are like Polaroid pictures. They develop quicker when you shake them,1,en
What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!,0,en
I'm in a relationship with sleep and I get some every night. and if I'm lucky i get some during the day,0,en
"Coworker: Man, it was cold last night! Me: I had my heat on. CW: I meant outside. Me: I don't live outside. CW...",0,en
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they don't know the words.,1,en
why'd i spend all my childhood trying to save peach? she already has a man .,0,en
""" hey , it's been forever , let's hang out! "" "" no , it's been forever for a reason . """,0,en
"Not a dime in my bank account was inherited. It was gifted to me by my parents, whom are still alive and well!",0,en
"To avoid all this bathroom controversy, I've just been going in the woods.",1,en
"Two kindergarten girls were talking outside.. One said: ""You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday! A condom!"" The second girl asked: ""What's a patio?""",1,en
What does a Syrian pirate say? Allah AkbARRR,1,en
You know what I love about blind kids? The never see me coming.,0,en
What did Thanos use to clean up the mess he made by disintegrating half of all life? The vacuum of space.,1,en
"important stuff. if an orange is called an orange , then how come lemon is not called yellow ?",1,en
"Hey, Dyson vacuum guy. You invented a previously existing invention. Relax.",0,en
"funny one liner! if you don't have friends , just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends .",0,en
Where is Macau located? In MaFarm,0,en
My niece wanted to learn to play the recorder. I started by teaching her blowing techniques.,1,en
"we can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone .",0,en
What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life? Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window,0,en
I saw a documentary on how they make jeans. It was riveting,1,en
What did a coronavirus patient tell to the kids Free hugs,0,en
"if you drill a hole through the planet and drop a stone into it, how far does it fall three feet and then the green rock eater eats it",0,en
Why did the fence get busted for having stolen goods? Because it got grassed up by the lawn.,1,en
What did Star Trek teach millions of kids? To boldly split infinitives!,0,en
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd. Then I realised she can't even.,1,en
Why did the nun call the Womens helpline? because she was touched by Jesus.,1,en
"""I got this. "" Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained",1,en
some People have major in maths I have a minor in bed,1,en
do you give head to strangers? or should i introduce myself,1,en
"Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way! Me: That's weird I swear that I didn't hear her broomstick",0,en
German boy Why did the German boy go to Summer camp? I don't know he did notsay!,0,en
"when an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later , it isn't because his heart is broken. it's because he can't cook",1,en
q : what do turtles do for fun? a : play hide and shell .,0,en
"I have a huge gash in my forehead. I'm going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed",1,en
"Petition for new feature Let's introduce a random chance, that everyone that locks post gets also banned in the process.",0,en
What kind of money do snowmen use? Iced lolly.,1,en
What does fort hood and Chicago have in common? People die every month.,1,en
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere,1,en
my friend offered me a nice stable job. i declined because i don't like horses,1,en
"My dogs name is Nama Only reason is so I can say: ""Nama stay""",1,en
My friend handed me broken scissors. I told him this isn't going to cut it,0,en
what is not a truck crashing into people? nice .,0,en
What will happen if a US Southerner moves to the UK? The average dental quality of both countries increase,1,en
What do you call it when Aladdin passes gas? A Jafart,1,en
"hey tampon makers , can i get a silent tampon wrapper please? sounds like i'm opening a bag of sun chips up in here .",0,en
"i tried planting some seeds on myself threedots i wasn't into it at first, but now it's growing on me .",0,en
Why don't mathematicians have degrees? They prefer radians.,1,en
sent an email to my mom. now i'm at her place showing her how to open it,0,en
You hear about Lil Peep's death? Won't be hearing a peep out of him anymore,0,en
"I keep seeing people say ""a dog is for life, not just for Christmas"" and that confuses me. Just how slow do these people eat?",1,en
You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It's called acid reflux.,1,en
When will a proper female AI be made? When we invent NANDOR logic gates,0,en
why do people who drink milk struggle to walk? because they lactose .,1,en
Spiral shaped pasta... really makes me consider the fusillity of life.,1,en
doctor doctor i've lost my memory ! when did this happen? when did what happen,0,en
Elephants What do we elephants and seiko watches have in common? They both come in quartz.,1,en
Why did the little tugboat do what all of the other tugboats told him to do? Pier pressure,0,en
"one time i asked , "" what would jesus do? "" . that's the same day i almost drowned .",1,en
It's only fitting that God would be a woman. since space is a vacuum,1,en
What fish swims only at night? A starfish.,1,en
My wife calls me blister... She says I show up after the work is done. ,0,en
"when it comes down to it, the most important thing you can do everyday is not die .",0,en
Bilbo wakes up suddenly to Don't Stop Believing. It was an unexpected Journey,0,en
Why couldn't the Dukes of Hazard visit Mecca? Because that's just a little bit more than Allah will allow.,1,en
you know what happened when your mom went swimming? the titanic sank,0,en
What do you call a bug that vanishes? A non antity.,1,en
What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.,1,en
what is a dolphins favorite ingredient? all porpoise flour .,1,en
what do you get when you teach android grammar? a droid,1,en
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!,0,en
"a baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. whatever you do , do not look directly at it",0,en
What do you call a rich male redhead? A Gingerbread Man. I'll just close the door behind me...,1,en
"guests ask for my wifi password , so i made "" what is wifi? "" my password cuz i'm real into that "" who's on first "" bit",1,en
Boobs are Proof that men can focus on two things at once.,1,en
"with twitter, who needs imaginary friends ?",0,en
A colleague typed something on my laptop I wiped it. ,0,en
How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is? Count the stripes on his track pants.,1,en
Why did the actor fall through the floorboard? He was going through a stage.,1,en
No one seams to like my jokes about patch work! I've tried sew hard...,0,en
Did you hear about the Facebook crash? It took a tumbl!,0,en
"when she says to go do something, don't really go and do it",1,en
what did one plumber say to the other plumber? pipe down .,1,en
"you know, living away from my parents really makes me realize how much i need a dishwasher that's also a really good chef",0,en
what do you call a confused baker? i dough know .,1,en
""" you want to have your cake and eat it, too . "" "" yeah . it's my cake . """,0,en
"Your wife just gave birth, but there's a good news and a bad news. Good news is he's not acoustic. Bad news is he guitarded.",0,en
a wise man once said that ice on the ground is great. he fell,1,en
Women always check me out. The cashiers at the grocery store are so nice,1,en
If I throw jam into traffic Is it now traffic ham,0,en
sorry i was late. i got stuck in internet traffic,0,en
I'm starting to think that reincarnation is a real thing. I mean just take a look at the number of reposts on this sub.,0,en
"It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers. often open with ""sorry for the weight""",1,en
"All these Marvel movies, and they sure are taking their time getting to Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet Don't worry. They'll get there... Avengually.",0,en
What did the policeman say to the jumper? Pullover,1,en
why are fish so thin? because they eat fish !,1,en
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?  It got so bad he went baroque!,0,en
"Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst",0,en
"Inventor of raisins: ""What do you like about grapes"" me: the juice part, the freshness Inventor: right but what if they had neither",1,en
Why was the umbilical cord sad? He got cut from the naval base.,1,en
"When a Tesla drifts, It's called the electric slide",1,en
"When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I'm into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people. It sounds better than stalking",1,en
I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso's Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf,1,en
what to hear something funny? original content,0,en
my laptop has a miley virus. it's stopped twerking,0,en
"Hitler had pretty bad allergies Every time the ashes would blow out of the oven, ""ajew ajew anew""",1,en
What is Swiper the Fox's favorite app? Tinder,0,en
Why did the woman get fired from her job at the hot dog stand? She put her hair in a bun.,1,en
how can a male get a maid for free? he gets married .,1,en
"CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work",0,en
"I saw a unicorn today. Okay fine, I saw a girl who ate her food without Instagramming it first. Same thing.",0,en
What is it called when a heavy gambler goes on vacation? Paradice...,1,en
"my son didn't understand the concept of a committed relationship, so i told him it's like making a girl your default browser .",1,en
Why do people procrastinate? I'll tell you later.,1,en
What do you call a tired cow? Milked out!,1,en
"when i saw grown ups in public kissing i'd ask my mom , "" what are they doing? "" now i wonder the same thing .",1,en
I had to return those books on Middle Eastern agricultural products. They were past the Dubai dates,1,en
"What did the utahraptor say as Wonder Woman tried to beat him up? Di, no!",0,en
I told my friends this story about an orca. It was a killer whale of a time,0,en
where did all the cuts and blood come from? the school went on a trip !,0,en
what do you call a play about victorian era menstruation? A period piece!,1,en
Why are farmers so afraid of aliens? Tractor beams.,1,en
What kills thousands of smokers a year? Natural Causes,1,en
"joseph : a crib full of straw? no , i asked to see the manager .",1,en
Why couldn't the Jedi open the door? He didn't use enough force...,0,en
why do chefs put so much effort into baking cakes? because you only get out what you pudding .,1,en
What does a chameleon that can't change color suffer from? Reptile disfunction,1,en
What's the most popular Jewish name? Ashley,0,en
why doesn't spiderman like rice? it reminds him of uncle ben .,0,en
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and Judas Priest? One of them has a Grammy... ,0,en
What's a bear's favorite kind of treasure? Bearied.,0,en
"it's funny when you tell someone that you don't like people, they always think you mean other people .",1,en
What was the vegan rock band's first hit? Lettuce turnip the beet!,1,en
"do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?",0,en
what not to do on a first date: ask what gender they are .,1,en
What is Jack the Rippers favorite restaurant? Chick Fillet,0,en
"Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath? Goldfish defendant: Yes.",0,en
ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? i did this with my life .,0,en
What's one thing you never say to a school shooter Think of the children ,1,en
"All the kids. All the kids wrote poems, except for Johnny, he couldn't rhyme",1,en
i used to work in mysterious ways. now i just don't work,0,en
they ordered two extra large pizzas at work. i wonder what everyone else is going to eat,1,en
What do you call houses who have good behavior? Manors.,1,en
"animal puns. animal puns are not funny in any neigh , sheep or farm",1,en
What does someone have when he can tell you how many guys are in a crowd? Acumen.,1,en
What did the car dealer ask the oscilloscope? sin or cosine,1,en
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser,1,en
What did Luke say at Han and Leia's wedding? May divorce be with you,0,en
"Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part",1,en
I just want free gold. But what would i use it for teehee,0,en
What does Kevin Spacey call Halloween? Free home delivery. ,1,en
"When she screams ""deeper! ""... But you're all out of poems.",1,en
"I've seen Han Solo land the Millennium Falcon on an asteroid, I'm sure he can handle landing a plane on a golf course.",0,en
Which trigonometric fatio is obsessed with the pokemon Suicune? EuSINE,1,en
I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday. I made a grave mistake,1,en
What do you call a ghost that loves soccer? Ghoooooooooooooouuull!,1,en
"i'm pretty sure that spiders have figured out that i'm terrified of them, and have created a game to see who can make me flip out the most .",1,en
"An orphan kid asked me to give him some ice cream, I said I only have family packs.",1,en
My wife and I stopped taking vacations after we had kids. Now we take expensive nightmares,1,en
"for people who say "" nothing is impossible "" , that's crazy. i've been successfully doing nothing for several years now",1,en
"It's alright if we're doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones",1,en
"I think the main issue with 'The Hunger Games' is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.",1,en
"Sorry, I have a short axxxtentacion span. And he had a short lifespan",0,en
"shark who attacked surfer: "" i was just trying to impress my girlfriend """,1,en
How do you keep a turkey in suspense? ...... ...... ...... I'll get back to you in a few weeks,1,en
"Pistorius saw a movement in his dimly lit room ""Reeva?"" he said It was a shot in the dark, but he was dead accurate",1,en
"My first kid reminds me a lot of my first car... They both needed wheels, leaked fluid, and eventually I just got an upgrade.",0,en
why did the snowman call his dog frost? because frost bites !,1,en
What do you call a religious dairy farmer? Cheesus Christ,1,en
"how do you spell "" pringles "" in spanish? pringles",1,en
What does FIAT stand for? Fix It Again Tony,0,en
What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning? Not Apple Jacks,0,en
Do you hear the one about the slightly backward Crab that only moved sideways..? ..It wasn't very forward thinking.,1,en
i just went into the garden without wearing a coat. this is probably how bear grylls got started,0,en
"My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.",0,en
today i tried to pick up a girl by telling her i was invisible. she saw right through me,0,en
Did you hear about the hearse that got into a head on collision? Luckily only one person was found dead at the scene,1,en
"there was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note "" don't eat me "". now there's an empty plate and a note "" don't tell me what to do """,0,en
Sean Connery's death It has me shaken not stirred.,0,en
A woman asked me what a creampie was I made sure to fill her in,1,en
"What's your favorite medical joke? I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous ""doctor joke"" thread, and need some fresh material!",0,en
How do you ensure the Letter Y has a clean bathroom experience? A Kleenex. That will be all.,0,en
what's the opposite of irony? wrinkly .,1,en
"So social media was down today I went outside my room and met my family, they seem pretty cool. ",1,en
what do you call an arabic rapper? vanilla isis,1,en
"chess set "" i'd like to buy this chess set please "" "" how will you be paying , sir? "" "" check mate "" threedots",0,en
"""Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan, "" says my accountant while rubbing his temples.",1,en
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk but I never got the chants.,1,en
"life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced .",1,en
I heard that the local synagogue was having a suicide party Turns out it was just a gas leak,1,en
if you're fishing on ice you should never tell a joke on ice . why? the ice will crack up !,0,en
how many people can ride on a bird? toucan .,1,en
What's the difference between a captain and a lt.col? A major difference.,1,en
What do you call a whirlpool in a church? Holy water!,0,en
"A DNA molecule walks into a bar ""What will it be? "" asks the bartender. ""ATCGGCAGGCTTCAGTTGCA"" says the DNA molecule.",1,en
'Why are you crying Ted? ' asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.',0,en
what did the guy with bad internet get? loading threedots,0,en
"i call my friend the revolving door when it comes to girls, he just can't close",1,en
"where do you go if you want to find a very funny joke? apparently , not here",0,en
I'm learning how to play the neurotic guitar. It's a lot like an acoustic guitar but it's a little more high strung,1,en
What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro? zika blyat,1,en
they should make supermarket camouflage. so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you,0,en
Have you seen www.topsecret.com? If I have I'm not going to tell you.,0,en
"I love using those really powerful bathroom hand dryers, because I get to see what it would look like if my hands went skydiving.",1,en
What is Caesar Zeppeli's least favorite kind of music? Christian rock.,0,en
when i was young i was worried about getting food stuck in my teeth. now i'm worried about getting my teeth stuck in food,1,en
i join any line i see if it's long enough. all those people can't be wrong !,0,en
Why did chicken cross the road? Because Intermediate value theorem,1,en
Do you know what I call my hiking playlist? My trail mix,1,en
I used to think air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips,1,en
"Why do librarians like the wind? It says, ""Shhh!"" all day!",1,en
"A magnet walks into a bar...., what does he order? Nothing... he's still stuck to the entrance.",0,en
"When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in? Quick answers please.",0,en
i haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. i guess parents started releasing them back into the wild,1,en
My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work? Remains to be seen.,1,en
"How many shrinks does it take to change a tire? Well, first the tire really has to want to change...",1,en
"Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.",1,en
this bathroom stall was quite a find. not only does the toilet paper come in a book but it also has its own phone and a view of the city,1,en
"Nietzsche's girlfriend said ""honey, what's wrong? "" He replied ""nothing.""",1,en
"My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.",0,en
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they're easily impressed by semicolons.,1,en
The Bangles are getting their own cooking show. Wok Like an Egyptian,1,en
"What's your favorite song? Mine? Oh I love ""Pumped Up Kicks"". Why? You'll find out on Friday.",0,en
where do you weigh a whale? at a whale weigh station,1,en
million dollar idea: a pot pie . only bigger . and filled instead with fruit . apples perhaps .,0,en
I'm not feeling myself today. would you do it for me,0,en
Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he thinks it doesn't matter if you make it or not,0,en
What's the best part about being cremated? Finally achieving a smokin' hot body.,1,en
If I had a Delorean I would probably only drive it from time to time. ,1,en
What does a Greek say when he receives his salary? Danke schon.,1,en
"Did you ever think about ten years ago you'd be saying. ""I really hope this is a chick I'm talking to""",1,en
I thought about making some tea But then I decided the time cost was to steep,1,en
What do you call an Ewok who just ate pancakes? A sticky Wicket.,1,en
What do you call snowmen who like to dress in animal costumes? Flurries.,1,en
what makes stevie wonder? what everything looks like .,1,en
"The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.",1,en
What do you call a fish that's on its way to somewhere? Salmon en route,1,en
Jewish Person Least Favorite Movie? One in the chamber,1,en
"customer : waiter, theres a button in my salad threedots waiter : it must have come off while the salad was dressing .",0,en
Warning: password is case sensitive. password i think ur case is cute dont woorry so much,0,en
how can you tell if your goose is depressed? it's feeling down .,1,en
Today I learned. That I'm on the wrong subreddit,0,en
Everyone asks me if I'm in a relationship with the blind girl that I recently met. But I'm just seeing her,1,en
what is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old? six weeks old !,0,en
why was the snow yellow? elsa let it go !,0,en
What do you call a reddish guy in a very blue basement? A blueberry radish ,1,en
"Whenever I go to delete an app on my iPhone, I like to pretend the shaking icons are all screaming loudly in panic over who's getting axed.",1,en
whats the difference between people who cut themselves and color changing light the color changing lights dont change by temperatuew but cutters do,1,en
Why does Leonardo DiCaprio love his fast car? Because he got an award for revvin' it.,0,en
My little girl was staring at the letters on my coffee mug she's very QRS about the alphabet. I'll see myself out,1,en
"would you like something from my easter basket? "" sure ! "" "" here . have some plastic grass . """,0,en
"Life is like maths If it's easy, you're doing something wrong.",0,en
What did Sweet Potato Yahweh say? I yam that I yam.,1,en
What is the stickiest dinosaur? The one at the centre of a bukkake party,0,en
i know a good joke about hipsters. you've probably never heard it,1,en
"During my trip in Italy, I saw a person walking back and forth He was roming around ",1,en
Went to Pray at a Mosque in Saudi Arabia But I couldn't because it was closed for prayer,1,en
How does a baby Wookie get around? Ewoks,0,en
My alarm clock isn't in a good mood. It just went off on me,0,en
"What's the difference between a mirror and a chatterbox? One reflects without talking, the other talks without reflecting.",1,en
Why did Anakin Skywalker hate bed time? Because that's when the sandman came. And not just the sand man but the sand woman and and children too,0,en
mental note: actual notes work better .,0,en
"We get it, Japan. All of your cats can skateboard",0,en
why did the ocean take a bath? it had a sandy bottom .,1,en
How can you tell if someone with parkinsons has hypothermia? You can't. That's what makes it so funny.,1,en
What do Batman and Black Panther have in common Neither of them have a dad,1,en
There are so many reposts on this sub you could call it China,0,en
"dear middle finger, thanks for always sticking up for me .",0,en
"I got into an argument with my tailor the other day... We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said ""Fine, suit yourself""",1,en
Peter: My brother wants to work badly! Anita: As I remember he usually does,0,en
did you here about that original joke? neither did i .,0,en
i just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday. i replied asking them to call her because she can't read,0,en
"get married early in the morning. that way , if it doesn't work out , you haven't wasted a whole day",0,en
boss : why weren't you at work last week? me : why are you living in the past,1,en
"Kobe Bryant seems to be a really hot topic today the number of posts about him in this sub are going up, as he goes down",1,en
i dream about sleeping with michael j. fox i bet he's a really good vibrator,0,en
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit? Me: Sure. But I guarantee you'll win. I'm not that smart. Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit,0,en
Why did Billy Joel get acquitted? Because he didn't start the fire.,0,en
Why did Princess Peach choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.,0,en
What's a programmer's least favorite wind instrument? The OBOE.,1,en
Kate on Facebook can't believe the ordacity of some people. I can't believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can't spell,0,en
I just donated money to help create water reservoirs for families in need. It was money well spent!,0,en
Bombs do not get rid of ghosts they only give them more friends.,1,en
adam : how did mummy know you hadn't had a bath? eve : i forgot to dirty the towel wet the soap and flood the bathroom .,0,en
why'd the short man take the elevator up? he was feeling down,0,en
"if plan a didn't work threedots try plan b. if plan b didn't work either , congratulations , you're a parent !",0,en
"If someone tells you he has a centrifuge on a submarine, don't believe him! It's a subterfuge...",0,en
good news : i learned how to build a fire. bad news : i need a new toaster oven,1,en
"I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread yesterday. Then I realised it said ""thick cut""",1,en
"life like potato threedots only have one, then soldier come and take .",0,en
What does Sodium and Batman have in common? NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa BATMAN i'll just see myself out....,0,en
Why does the homeless man only drink coffee? He had no proper tea..,1,en
"Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics",1,en
What the corniest part of a corn field? The corner.,0,en
"Can someone tell me a music joke? I've been trying to think of one myself, but that sort of thing really isn't my forte.",1,en
i put my phone on airplane mode. now i can't find it,0,en
What does a french sheep say? Ca ba,1,en
what do astronauts put on their toast? space jam .,1,en
Helium Factory It looks like the negotiations at the helium factory were falling apart. everything was up in the air,1,en
Why did Steve Jobs eat all the cookies? Mac users have no CTRL,1,en
you hear of the movie about a girl's struggle during her time of the month? it won the award for the best period drama,1,en
So batman's son got into the rap industry. They call him Lil' Wayne,1,en
Solid Snake is hiding in the shadows what time is it? Time for you to get a watch.,0,en
Why did Simba have trouble returning to Pride Rock? He ran into trafiki.,0,en
"Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. ""Is that good? "" No one will make eye contact with me.",1,en
Why couldn't the taxidermist finish anything he started? Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects,1,en
How do Orcs eat their food? By goblin it down.,1,en
Why did the pirate update his Macbook? His matey told him he needed an iPatch,0,en
i'd like to teach you how to win any argument. unfortunately my wife won't teach me her technique,1,en
What type of plant can you use to make phone calls? A telefern,1,en
A Kid wanted to see his grandmother and His Mom agreeded They were later found with their bodies hanging from a tree,1,en
Why is King Kong big and hairy? So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry.,0,en
"hey , you have something in your teeth ! person b : what? person a : plaque .",0,en
When I was a child we used to roll down hills in old tires. Those were the good years.,1,en
What's the best lake to go motorboating? Lake Titicaca,0,en
"I asked a librarian About some books about Pavlov's dogs and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rings a bell, but doesn't know if it's here or not",1,en
So a guy wants to live on a Danish island. He finds that the island is empty,1,en
there are two types of people in this world. people who pee in the shower and people who lie about it,0,en
"A Boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother.... They couldn't settle on a name, Until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee Sorry",1,en
What did one calculator say to the other calculator as they were leaving? Calculator!,0,en
what has four wheels and flyz? A garbage truck.....ha ha ha,1,en
"They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I'll never piss on an electric fence again",1,en
"I'm not saying Martha Stewart is old, but. she needs a new Walker more than the Fast and Furious franchise",0,en
One day I'll cure deafness. You hear me,0,en
What do mathematicians drink? Anything to ease the pain.,1,en
An Emo Asked me for a Favour. Since I was busy I told to 'Hang on',1,en
What do you call a random selection of sailors? A seamen sample,1,en
why did the joke about the roof get no laughs? it went over their heads .,1,en
What does MSG stand for? Mandarin Service Guaranteed.,1,en
What happens when a tree has a one night stand? It leaves.,1,en
Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.,0,en
Why did the antelope go to her sisters house? She wanted to see her nephewlope,0,en
What do you do with a zombie chef? Skillet,1,en
Did you hear they discovered a soda cavemen drank? It's a carbon dated beverage... Good jokes are good,1,en
what did the termite eat for dinner? a table for two .,1,en
When Vanna White dies. Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters,0,en
What kind of water do you put into a waterbed? Spring water,1,en
Need a new vacuum? Planned Parenthood has a great selection.,1,en
I saw something really shady in my neighborhood the other day. An awning,1,en
Dave has concentration problems Dave goes to a camp to fix it,1,en
"Did you hear about the courier who became a successful comedian? The jokes were nothing special, but his delivery was impeccable.",1,en
I want to make a joke about screamo music. But there was no rhyme or reason to it,0,en
"Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers.",1,en
"one time a friend asked me ""how are you still single? !"" and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head",1,en
I told my friend a joke about last night's Game of Thrones episode. He agreed it was well done,0,en
of course it's in the last place you look. you're not gonna keep looking after that threedots right ?,0,en
that sinking feeling. when you're on the Titanic,0,en
why do engineers have to practice their social skills? so they don't forget either of them .,1,en
TRIVIA TIME: What flavor shake did Marty McFly get in the diner during the first Back To the Future movie? Parkinson's.,0,en
My favorite joke is about music. It's a well composed joke,1,en
Last night my Professor told me to read Bartleby the Scrivner. I would prefer not to,1,en
i complimented someone for their amazing mustache. i don't understand why she threw a fit though,1,en
Why don't mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snowcaps.,1,en
"DAE accidentally call the wrong replacement when you can't teach your classroom that day? Whoops, wrong sub",0,en
why couldn't the pokemon tell a joke? because he fainted .,0,en
How good are you at keeping your daughter inside... On the scale of Fritzl to McCanns?,0,en
"Went to the library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances? The librarian said "" Well, they used to be over there......""",1,en
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear',1,en
What fruit is widely regarded as the most athletic fruit in the world? Lululemon,1,en
What kind of fruit tells the best jokes? A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.,0,en
What are the benefits of visiting a furry convention? Free carpets.,1,en
What do Caitlyn Jenner and WWII have in common? The Battle of the Bulge.,1,en
"somewhere in a parallel universe, i hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse .",0,en
"what did mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her? threedots it's not a you , it's a me , mario !",0,en
interviewer : can we call your former employer for a reference? me : not if you're considering me for the job .,1,en
why does the homeless man only drink coffee? he had no proper tea threedots,0,en
Statistically speaking. Isn't a mean Joe just an average Joe,1,en
"Russian proverb: the church is near, but the road is icy. The pub is far away, but I'll walk carefully",1,en
"What do they call helium, neon, argon,krypton on the REALLY COLD planet? Noble rocks",1,en
What do you call an Apple and Orange and a Banana praying in a mosque? A Fruit Salat.,1,en
What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet? Remains to be seen.,1,en
I'm on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It's called: Miso Hungry,1,en
"Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring",0,en
lightly used fish tank for sale on ebay. does not contain three goldfish ghosts,1,en
Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado? Because the steaks are too high.,1,en
Doctor : You've got a problem in your eyes Me : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't ,0,en
"I'm sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns",1,en
The Great White Whale just unveiled a sculpture of the Rolling Stones frontman made of mud brick. Moby Dick's Adobe Mick,1,en
i took my girlfriend to tour nasa this weekend! she said she needed some space .,0,en
"Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.I laughed at the irony.Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.",1,en
"Pretty woman, the kind that don't eat meat Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees Ohoh what can I do? She's making me eat vegan food",1,en
how could a leper afford a nice house? it cost an arm and a leg,1,en
"I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts",0,en
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who a good boy is,1,en
At least I now know why the lions leave the plains before the end of summer. Because the Pride goeth before the Fall,1,en
i used to have a job as a drill operator. it was well boring,1,en
"If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.",1,en
"All the world's a stage And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time has many farts.",1,en
"boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip . like, a real one where we'll sleep in a tent and pee outside . is he mad at me ?",0,en
where do people in detroit get their groceries? they don't .,1,en
It's been discovered that protons have mass. Which is odd because I didn't even know they are Catholic,1,en
Who is the best hide and seek player? Madeleine McCann,0,en
"""Do you smell the updoc? "", I say to my pet bunny. My bunny replies with silence. I know that someday he will say it and I am willing to wait",0,en
Why are bees always late? Because they are beesy.,1,en
"Two blondes are having a conversation... Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange! The other respond: OMG! So, it's not a box?!?",1,en
"i'm trying to figure out what's wrong with my back. i'm not sure yet , but i have a hunch",1,en
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.,1,en
I've just written a script for a film I titled 'American Schools'. Shooting will probably start this week,1,en
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves? The shellf help section.,1,en
"Saudis Arabia recently got siri Saudi Arabian: Siri, call my wife Siri:which one?",1,en
"Meanwhile in Hawaii, They're playing the floor is lava for real. ",1,en
What's a composer's favourite childhood game? Haydn seek.,1,en
sometimes people ask me why i don't wear a watch. it is because i just don't have the time,1,en
"When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart",1,en
"Yesterday my daughters Hamster died while she was at school, so I got her an identical one. Now she has two dead Hamsters.",0,en
What's the similarly between Kylie Jenner and Chicken? The egg came first.,0,en
What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter? Amanda Lynn,1,en
"A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.",1,en
I met my statistics teacher at the store today. What are the odds,1,en
Where do fish wash? In a river basin !,0,en
I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google. We both laughed,0,en
i could never work in the job centre . imagine if you got fired! you'd still have to show up the next day .,0,en
Why do witches have stiff joints? They get broomatism !,1,en
What does an old woman's qwiffy taste life? Depends .,0,en
Thank God for semi colon's. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn't exist?,0,en
What do you call a farmer in the army? E.I. G.I Joe.,1,en
Why are corpses pale after they're placed in a coffin? Ask the coroner,1,en
"it's almost christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents ' new excuses for why jennifer lawrence isn't under the tree again .",0,en
"I wanna see Jurassic World, but I hear extincts.",0,en
"nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda. the one that doesn't lives in flint , michigan",1,en
What do you call a Navy man in the mess hall? A seaman eater.,1,en
"I tried training my dog not to flinch It took some time with the bat, but he finally stopped moving after I hit him.",1,en
"i try to live each day like it's my last , which is why i rarely have clean socks. who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life ?",1,en
what did the man who ate a clock say? that was time consuming but i still want seconds .,0,en
What's a Muslim's favourite musician? Shari'ah Carey,1,en
What's grey beautiful and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant !,0,en
"Today on ESPN they were talking about Kobe's impact on LA. ""fast, hard and with a big fiery boom"" was my first thought.",1,en
i love how the ninja turtles wear masks to hide their identity. it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything,1,en
no i didn't eat a whole box of girl scout cookies. i just ate all the cookies inside it,0,en
"What does an amputee patient and a shark attack survivor hace in common? Well, not hands",1,en
how do you make one girl disappear? threedots just add a g and now she's gone .,0,en
"Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is? About halfway between Dayton and Marion",1,en
I once took a Spanish class with someone who wanted to start a bilingual train company. Talk about a real loco motive.,0,en
What is The Difference Between A Child And A Gun? Only one of them leaves the school.,1,en
I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together. The story was riveting,1,en
"Yesterday was kinda boring, I pretty much just hung around in my underwear all day... ...got kicked out of quite a few businesses though.",1,en
"Two Ducks Two ducks in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army? The one on the tank.......",0,en
what do reddit users and olive oil have in common? they're both extra virgin .,1,en
"I don't own a turntable, for the record.",1,en
"i met the girl of my dreams, then i woke up .",0,en
you're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident. i wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me,1,en
What do you call a dead orphan? Reunited,1,en
"If you ever struggle to make your woman happy, just remember Eve was in the Garden of Eden and it wasn't good enough.",0,en
Found a way to stop my dog barking in the front garden... Put it in the back garden.,0,en
"if you see me running down the road crying, it's because i hate running .",0,en
"For those of you that have been to a casino, whats the difference between Craps and Poker? ..I don't take pokers on your chest!",0,en
why was the sand wet? because the seaweed .,0,en
"Some ascetics were headed into the forest to meditate and one shouts ""hey budd, you gonna come seek enlightenment with us? "" ""Namaste right here.""",1,en
i spilled coffee on my laptop. now it won't go into sleep mode threedots,0,en
what's the difference between a house cleaner and a thief? the way they enter your house .,0,en
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside? So he walks out the front door then comes back in and says: 'both'.,1,en
"I had a stomach ache. My SO asked what's wrong, I said ""I have a clog in my intestines"" she responds with ""you need to stop eating shoes""",1,en
"What's a Christian's favourite chord progression? G,Esus.",1,en
"if cats could talk, they'd probably yell "" parkour "" a lot .",1,en
What's R. Kelly's favorite kind of weather? He prefers it in the teens.,1,en
Did you hear of the dog with denchers? It was all bark and no bite.,1,en
"if you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, i'm gonna need those back .",0,en
This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas? It's a cover version.,1,en
"The phrase ""Getting nickeled and dimed"" hasn't kept up with inflation. We're definitely getting dollared now",1,en
"nurse pops her head into the doctor's office threedots nurse : ' doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room . ' doctor : ' tell him i can't see him . '",0,en
What do people do for a party itinerary in the Jersey Shore? Gym.Tan.Laundry.,0,en
"When is being an ""Alpha"" not a good thing in the dating world? When you are a type of radiation. No one wants someone who can't penetrate well.",1,en
What happens if I put a vial in another vial and then in another vial? It doesn't matter.,1,en
"did you guys hear they're making a sequel to the hit tv show "" medium? "" it's called "" large . """,1,en
I just returned from a trip to Pripyat. I give it three thumbs up!,0,en
Where do kids come from? They come out bruised out of the abandoned shed near my neighbor's house.,1,en
What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey when you carve it with a chain saw!,0,en
What is Gone With The Wind? Anne Frank's ashes.,0,en
"I posted ""Happy Almost Mother's Day! "" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.",0,en
Chuck Norris Joke. Why does Mona Lisa smiling? The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.,0,en
Why did the Giraffe lay down in the tall grass? Because it had Leukemia.,1,en
"If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations. you just did a portion of the Macarena",0,en
"What do a man and a rubix cube have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.",1,en
What's better than a ceiling fan? One with my wife hanging on it,0,en
"When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money. Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth",1,en
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus. People around you will socially distance from you automatically.,1,en
my girlfriend finally watched back to the future. it's about time,1,en
Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all.,0,en
How fast can Captain Underpants travel? The speedoflight.,0,en
"I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of Office...  It improved my outlook.",0,en
"i bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple sorry, wrong thread",0,en
Where will a springer spaniel never shop? At a flea market!,0,en
why are pokemon terrible to play hide and seek with? because they pikachu,1,en
"NASA Says Signs of Water Flowing on Mars, Possible Niches for Life Willing to take a bath in that following water in Mars.",1,en
what gets all sweaty as it rides on top of you? your backpack .,0,en
The Milli Vanilli Tour has been cancelled. They blamed it on the rain,1,en
why would a dead girl lie? because she can't stand up .,0,en
Why did the trout go to med school? Mounting pressure from his friends and family,1,en
What does Paul Atreides do when he wants the last glass of water? He calls Muad'Dibs on it,1,en
"teen for rent: knows everything , does nothing .",0,en
Why did Katie Holmes get rid of her fancy car? She got tired of all that Cruise control.,0,en
Mufasa. Proof cats don't always land on their feet.,0,en
"facebook is like a prison. you look around , write on walls , and are poked by people you don't know",0,en
"how is it when my son has homework , i have to be involved? dude , i already did my time .",0,en
why was the comic book series depressed? because it had too many issues .,1,en
Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher? It wasn't her job to educate people.,1,en
How to Skrillex sign his Valentine's Day cards? I wub wub wub you....,0,en
"Officer: Where did the hacker escape to? Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.",0,en
What's the difference between feminism and a sword? The sword has a point.,1,en
What's the other name for church? A day care center.,1,en
"The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of...  Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.",1,en
"soon after we find out bruce jenner wants to be a woman, he gets into a car wreck really getting into character i see",0,en
"On the tombstones of Buddhists, it's always 'RIP'. I always thought it was 'BRB'",1,en
"i just wanna make a lot of money and not do very much, is that so wrong ?",0,en
Why don't ghosts make good magicians. You can see right through their tricks,0,en
Why is the difference between brucellosis and brucellitis like the difference between a woman and an LGBT woman? One is real and the other isn't.,1,en
"What's the difference between Jesys and a picture? One is hanged because it's nice, the other one because he was telling bs",0,en
What do cows do in traffic? They moove,1,en
how much did the critic tip the waiter? two cents,1,en
Took my Grandma to a nibble fish spa. It's cheaper than burial or cremation,1,en
What's the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.,1,en
"Me: I'm a tenor. Her: You're a six, and I'm being generous",1,en
What do you call ghost rider with cerebral palsy Hot wheels,1,en
What do you call it when a cat howls? It Meyowls,1,en
"My girlfriend really wants to try out some schoolgirl role play. However, I feel really uncomfortable wearing the dress",1,en
lost an hour. bet it's somewhere with my keys,0,en
"Necrohpilia First dig out, then dig in.",0,en
"I don't always talk to West Point graduates... ...but when I do, I ask for a side of fries.",1,en
Poverty tip: Ground your kids on December first. So you can give them freedom for Christmas.,0,en
Have you ever seen the inside of an ac compressor? It's really cool.,1,en
"I've been reading this sub for a couple of hours, and I'm fed up. With the amount of reposts on here, I feel like I've already Reddit all.",0,en
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop. I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors,0,en
"it's my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside .",0,en
"Im opening a ice cream parlor in Israel. Its called ""The Creamatorium""",1,en
What do you call a woman who rents out hot dogs? Lisa Frank,0,en
"My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary",0,en
what do you call a good looking girl in wisconsin? a tourist !,1,en
"Congratulation on the new baby, from your family. except from me because I don't really care",1,en
"SIRI: Brian, what goes ""blah blah blah, I don't know anything, please help me""? ME: Uhh SIRI: It's you. That's what you sound like.",1,en
"Teacher: Megan, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Megan: You said we had to do it without tables!",0,en
i looked at your trophy wife. i see you didn't win first place,0,en
What do you get with a woman majoring in woman's studies? I don't know but she'll never make as much as a man AND SHE KNOWS IT!,1,en
What time is it when the town's most beloved knight is gone? Mourning.,0,en
What did the duck say to the avacado? guac guac,1,en
"If someone asks if you've been crying just say, ""why... do you want to watch? "" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone",1,en
What did the Networking manager tell his assistant about working late? Tell my wifi won't be home for dinner.,0,en
What does a priest love most about twentyfive year olds? There's twenty of them.,1,en
Today we put differences aside and wish peace and love to all mankind. Except for Verizon who I hate,0,en
A space heater. would have to be huge,0,en
christmas is great! you can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended .,0,en
why don't i enjoy certain middle eastern food? because it just makes me falafel .,0,en
why couldn't the pornstar join the navy? there was too much seamen .,0,en
This BMI chart is telling me I'm too short. What should I do? Should I eat more,1,en
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why,1,en
What do you do when you meet a robotic genie? You mech a wish.,0,en
Don't worry. Nobody else wants Sharona,0,en
q : how do you make a violin sound like a viola? a : sit in the back and don't play .,0,en
"What's the difference between Doctor Who and Facebook? When the Doctor changes the timeline, it's usually for a good reason.",1,en
What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille,0,en
"i'm no photographer, but i can picture us together .",0,en
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding? They got jellygated!,1,en
"When I buy my wife something made of gold, she always gazes at me in Au.",1,en
"Me; Right, some revision? Son: K Me: Start with chemistry? Him: K Me: Periodic table? Him: K Me:What's the symbol for potassium? Him: Dunno",1,en
What did Khloe Kardashian do for a vegetable? Broke up with James Harden,0,en
"For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.",0,en
What is Sherlock's favorite season? Fall...,0,en
Oh stop it! I'm not superficial. I'm just ficial.,0,en
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.,1,en
why can't michael j . fox draw a perfect circle? nobody can .,0,en
"if you imagine all of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger, it changes things drastically.",1,en
what did the college student say to a banker? i am forever in your debt .,1,en
"You know, it's really hard to hire marionette puppeteers at short notice. But if you like, I could pull some strings.",0,en
"if one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted .",0,en
"If at first you don't succeed, Pulling out isn't your best option",0,en
"the fabric of our lives? why so epic , cotton",0,en
"as a cancer survivor , people ask me how did i come to terms with having cancer. i didn't threedots it just kind of grew on me",0,en
"it's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. but , once you make one mistake , it's never forgotten",1,en
What do you call a lease of false teeth?  A dental rental.,1,en
"What happened to all the Paul Walker jokes? It seems like they started going pretty fast, then just...stopped.",0,en
"my teacher said i'd end up working in mcdonald's . well, look who's laughing now . the guy's ordering chicken off me in kfc .",1,en
what do you call a heavy toilet? el ton john .,1,en
"What kind of NUT would make a pie for THANKSGIVING?! ? Pecan, typically.",1,en
"when you ask her "" have you ever read shakespeare ? "" and she answers "" no, who wrote it ? "" threedots keep moving .",1,en
Why doesn't Ellen have a cooking segment? She's always eating out,1,en
i've stopped dating this girl i met at the diabetes camp. turns out she isn't really my type,1,en
Satan's not all bad. He's an equal opportunity employer,1,en
This Archeologist finally learnt how to translate hieroglyphics and no one can believe what he told them Nobody expects the Spanish in Egyptian,1,en
Have you ever heard of the similarities between a choo choo tran and a brthday? Neither have i,0,en
What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food? There goes my gyroooo,0,en
Why does the Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick,1,en
Turkey doesnt have Camels But they smoking it,1,en
what do you call it when someone steals someone else's coffee? a mugging .,1,en
"i never argue, i just explain why i'm right .",1,en
"I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.",1,en
how do most rappers build a following? they go shopping at a department store .,1,en
"i'm stuck at a boring wedding reception, tell me a joke to get through it",0,en
"I hope it's warm out on Halloween, because wearing a coat is going ruin my nudist costume.",1,en
What kind of a cake requires goggles to eat? Bukkake,0,en
What car did the suicide bomber choose for his mission? A Toyota Corallah,1,en
Short girls are the best at head They're always down there,1,en
"Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie? ""You mean MAY, not CAN"" Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie",0,en
"Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement... ... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.",0,en
What is the deepest part of the ocean? The bottom ,1,en
"In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab. This is after he discovered that power is work overtime",1,en
What do you call religious pasta? Raviholy.,1,en
people always give up on me when i show them these words. see if you can get the opposite of each word : always staying from take me down,1,en
what do pirates do with their treasure in the winter? they bury it,1,en
geek: the people you pick on in high school and work for after .,1,en
"hey facebook, i really don't care that a friend of mine commented on someone else's status or photo .",0,en
"i know she wanted to be cremated, and i know she didn't want a formal funeral threedots threedots but was a "" family barbecue "" really the best idea ?",0,en
What is the hottest part of a man's face? His sideburns.,1,en
when is the bible accurate? when it's thrown from a short distance .,1,en
What do you call a discounted Zuckerberg? Marked down!,1,en
What did one transition metal say to the other? Cu later!,0,en
Why would Superman have won any race he ran against Roy Roger's dog? Because he was faster than a speeding Bullet ...,0,en
"I would put a web cam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.",0,en
"on thanksgiving , how does miley cyrus stuff her bird? you don't want to know .",0,en
why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck !,1,en
What DOESN'T Bruce want for Christmas from his ex? A Krismas goose.,0,en
"Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda",0,en
Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard? Try to disable sticky keys.,0,en
What do you call a Scottish parrot? A Macaw !,1,en
What is something a little quieter than yellow? A taco. ,0,en
there are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot .,1,en
What do you call a cat in love? Romeow,0,en
"People who say ""go big or go home"" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day",1,en
How is Liam Neeson and an ionic bond alike? They are always having something get taken.,1,en
"Old mathematicians never die, They just lose some of their functions.",1,en
"I wonder if tap dancers. Look at a floor and think ""I'd tap that""",1,en
Tomorrow I learned... How to speak in the future tense.,0,en
"as a girl , what's both a good and a bad thing to say when a guy can't get it up? "" no hard feelings """,1,en
Why is the best color for a pc case white? So it can breath and get better airflow,1,en
"if there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark , i take it every time. apparently",0,en
What's similar between math problems and little girls I start to do both smoothly and finish roughly.,1,en
Why did the guy get aroused by the highway? Because there were lots of turn ons.,1,en
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks,1,en
what two words have the most letters? post office .,1,en
I'd like to personally invite Conan to bring his entire show to Nebraska. We can work out details later,0,en
"Guys, I'm eating for two! I'm not pregnant, I just have a problem with portion control.",1,en
"Is it weird that Nirvana's In Utero album cover turns me on? No wait, it isn't In Utero. It's...Nevermind",0,en
Why is the moon so dark? Because the sun beat the daylights out of it. :D,0,en
What do you call a singing bottle of mustard? Celine Dijon,0,en
"what do you call a private, romantic rendezvous between two feet a podiatryst",1,en
I had a really funny joke. but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime,0,en
did you hear they finally published that book about clocks? it's about time .,1,en
how can i face the problem? when my problem is my face !,0,en
"When I was child we had to look things up in dictionary or encyclopedia, uphill both ways in the snow",1,en
It's OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures,0,en
What does a clam do on his birthday? He shellabrates!,0,en
"man bun ? or douche knot ? neither, it's a fairy tail .",1,en
what's another word for knowing that you're right? woman,0,en
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!,1,en
"pick something up . you just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet . earth, do you even lift ?",1,en
Did you hear what they're planning for the next episode of 'Glee'? It's a 'Walking Dead' crossover.,1,en
Why are Sharks the only species that get their own week? I'd totally watch hermit crab week if they had one.,1,en
What do you call mustard that's not very hot? Air condijoned. I'll see myself out.,1,en
"I ran out of cereal today, so instead I poured milk on a bowl of bbq chips. It wasnt good, but I ate it anyway because breakfast is important",0,en
"You can pretend you're a ghost at pottery barn, there's no laws against that",0,en
So which Gate works at the army? Col.Gate I'll leave now.,0,en
what do you say after you read a book? reddit !,0,en
The person who discovered electricity. Must have been quite shocked,1,en
what never comes but always leaves? my dates .,0,en
Where does Bruce Wayne go to clean up? To the Bat Htub!,0,en
what do you call a spicy wrap made at an Indian takeaway? currito,0,en
friend : do i need to repeat myself? me : no . i might not be able to ignore you a second time,0,en
"As a teenage boy I have always wished Beats by dre for Christmas But instead, I got Beats by dad",1,en
broken quiz machine for sale: no questions asked .,1,en
I like my pizza like I like my women. Hot and delivered to my house,0,en
"How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?  Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in...",1,en
I beat a Prius today. Thank goodness I had on my running shoes,0,en
Why don't golf courses ever serve sandwiches? They always turn out to be sub par.,1,en
"when i say i'm gonna take a nap, it means i'm gonna go on my computer for three hours .",1,en
"I make major decisions about career, life, finances, etc. on a daily basis, but become completely paralyzed choosing where to eat lunch",1,en
"me : you bring that cash you owe me? elephant : oh , sorry man , i forgot . me : no you didn't .",0,en
"Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses... My, how the stables have turned!!",0,en
"What was the first commandment? Eve, go make dinner!",0,en
How can a law student make it? lowering the bar. or not to.,1,en
How does Tyrone like his coffee? Like himself.,1,en
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.,1,en
What car do dogs drive? A Doge charger,0,en
Why did Steve Jobs lose on the X Factor? because Sam sung better than him,1,en
"Sign over the urinal in Dad's favorite bar We keep this restroom clean because we aim to please. so, you aim too, please",0,en
"Female Euthenasia  Female euthanasia and female youth in Asia. Two things that sound the same, but are the same.",1,en
"Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet",1,en
"I was asked what my favourite takeaway was I said ""It's a Thai""",1,en
My Saturday was going pretty well. Until I realised it was Sunday,0,en
What do you call an amputee stripper? Bits n Pieces ,1,en
Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock? He was cleared of all charges.,1,en
my wife let me remove all her clothes last night. from the dryer,0,en
Advice to teenagers. Leave home now while you still know everything. ,0,en
Why do tachyons program in assembly? Because it's faster then C,0,en
"My State of the Union I am from Illinois, but I also lived in Arizona for a while.",1,en
"Colleagues who feel the need to say ""You either love me or hate me! "" are oblivious to the fact that it's always the latter.",1,en
have you heard the joke about the flying sandwich? nope . neither have i .,1,en
What do you call a vegetable on fire? Hot wheels,1,en
"hey you got a sec? next time someone asks you if you got a sec, you must simply reply"" no i have lots of secs""",0,en
did you hear about the guy who stole a dictionary from the library? he got away with words .,0,en
"went to a great russian restaurant last night. for dessert , we ordered chocolate putin",1,en
"If I swollow A weener whole, will it come out the same way? I feel like it would be really good if that happened.",0,en
Why did so many people die in grenfell tower? The exit signs were in english,1,en
why can't coffee conduct electricity? because it is grounded,1,en
Which insect didn't play well in goal? The fumble bee !,0,en
I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train,1,en
what is the opposite of imagination? i have no idea .,1,en
i just love the new minecraft update. it's groundbreaking,0,en
"I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.",1,en
"What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house.... ",1,en
What's your mom's favorite seafood resturant? Captain D's Nutz,0,en
"What did the pool cleaner say to the impatient swimmer? Whoa, whoa, whoa... Wade just a minute.",0,en
Why are trains so energetic? They have Conductors.,1,en
What's the main religion of most ghosts? Boo dism,1,en
I am happily single. Because I share my bed with my sister.,0,en
Can someone please tell me Voldemorts last name My friends talk in riddles,0,en
newfie joke How did the newfie injure himself raking leaves? He fell out of the tree,0,en
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.,0,en
What do the call big bottle of lube in Alabama Family size,1,en
"Roses are red, babies are quick... But none can escape this...",0,en
i realized today why some people spend their lives looking for bigfoot. he doesn't exist,0,en
Which dance will a chicken not do? The foxtrot !,0,en
Did you hear about the farmer who lost his crop? There was no roleplay that night.,0,en
What's the difference between Catholics and Protestants? Protestants have sects.,1,en
my insurance does not cover jesus taking the wheel. i checked,1,en
i once dated a girl who got in a car accident and lost her whole left side. shes all right now,0,en
"found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. long story short , i don't have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire",0,en
"wearing your wedding ! a : aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? b : yes i am , i married the wrong woman .",0,en
What's Sauron's favorite soft drink? Mountain Dewm,0,en
"when i said "" i was afraid of the dentist "", i meant the bill .",1,en
How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.,1,en
"What did the heatsink say to the CPU? ""I'm a huge fan!""",1,en
Did I ever tell you about how I lost my job at Tropicana? I couldn't concentrate.,1,en
"Job interview Well, tell me about your last job I was a woodcutter And where did you work? Saara Wait, isn't that a des.. you start tomorrow!",0,en
"My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes What can I say, I love dry clean humour.",1,en
I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Now I can truly think of myself as Independent,1,en
"Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.",1,en
"i'm eating for six, according to the serving size on every single package of everything ever .",1,en
"What did the farming professor say to his new students? ""Welcome to my field.""",1,en
why did the carpenter join the army? because he wanted to be a drill sergeant,1,en
What do they serve you in a Viatnamese McDonalds? NAMburgers,1,en
Freda: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well they wouldn't admit it out loud would they?,0,en
"way into "" game of thrones "". are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs ?",1,en
"i don't understand how there can be different shoe sizes. i mean , everyone's feet are a foot long",1,en
I slipped in the shower and almost fell. Good thing my uncle caught me,0,en
How does a man fly when thrown off the burj khalifa to heaven,1,en
q : what are the three types of men? a : the handsome the caring and the majority .,0,en
"The four stages of matter for Germans Solid, liquid, gas and ashes ",1,en
what do cats major in college? string theory !,1,en
"Zahir, where's the remote?? idk, Haded haded it",0,en
I've always wanted to learn Chinese... But I've heard it's a dying language,1,en
"Then there was the noodle who wanted all his life to be an M. but when he finally got his wish, no one believed him cause he was an M pasta",0,en
"my computer keeps giving me an error message saying "" the printer can't be found. "" uh buddy it's right next to you , hello",0,en
What did the underweight onion say to the garlic? No more light bulb jokes!,0,en
"my starbucks guy just said , "" looks like you had a rough night! "" threedots i didn't even go out .",0,en
what i say : i'm on a diet. what my mom hears : please cook delicious food and buy chocolate,0,en
some people come into your life for a reason. like for target practice,0,en
what's baked everyday and sells itself? bread,1,en
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug,0,en
Why do hippies like corduroy? Because the material is so groovy.,1,en
"My illiterecy got me fired from the box moving company. I was so confused, I didn't know which way was up",1,en
I heard if you went on a diet. you could end world hunger,0,en
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal? That hit the spots !,1,en
Why are they called Tuna Fish? Because they don't swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nahhh,1,en
Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.,0,en
Where do all the orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms,1,en
Do you love hiding electrical outlets? Well an exciting career in hotel design might be just what you're looking for!,1,en
"I was watching a hulu video and an ad came up saying ""This episode was brought to you by the invisible children. "" Now I know how the internet works",1,en
What do you say encourage a Koala to beat his personal best while bench pressing at the gym Bro Eucalyptus!,0,en
""". said no one ever,"" said everyone ever",0,en
Vanna White's birthday is today. Pretty soon she'll be getting to the age where she has trouble with her vowel movements,1,en
"did you guys see that documentary about the voice of elmo? it's very "" touching "" .",1,en
"Thumb Rule of Comedy For good comedy, the right timing and good delivery are required, because wrong timing and bad delivery only lead to miscarriage",1,en
"sorry i didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number .",0,en
"what do you call a person who is missing his left eye , left ear , left arm and left leg? alright .",1,en
"i said to her: "" two more inches and i'd be a king "" "" two inches less and you'd be a queen "" , she replied .",1,en
Hellen Keller posted a Christmas selfie She pictured it in her mind with a filter.,0,en
why can't thor play the piano or hide n seek with his brother? he can never find the loki .,0,en
what's a big game hunter? someone who's lost his way to the match .,0,en
"My parents are really against my candlemaking habit. One day, I came home, and saw that they had thrown away all of my parrafinalia",1,en
"My friend once said ""you need Jesus."" And I replied ""you're right,my grass is getting kinda tall.""",1,en
How do you make a new virus? Why would you wonder? China made one,1,en
What do you call a spontaneous man named Lee? spontaneously,1,en
"i got an oven today. it's pretty hot , isn't it ?",0,en
I can really feel the school days ticking by... Or is that the bomb in my backpack?,0,en
What do Eminem and Chris Brown have in common? They both have single hits with Rihanna. ,1,en
"without moms we'd have no password security questions. thanks mom, for making online banking possible",0,en
"Beeped my horn at this cute guy who walked by. He shot me a dirty look. He's playing hard to get, but I've started planning the wedding!",0,en
What's it called when two morticians argue for hours on who gets to bang a corpse? A stalemate.,1,en
what did harry potter name his daughter? harry daughter .,0,en
It appears the brain trust has commenced its meeting. Listen to those synapses fire,0,en
"What do you get when you cross astronomy and cosmology with a dyslexic girl at starbucks? Astrology, cosmetology, and a pumpkin space latte",1,en
"me : i really don't have any bad habits to speak of . her : so you have no bad habits? me : no , i have plenty ! just none i'd want to speak of .",0,en
Waiter your tie is in my soup! That's all right sir it's not shrinkable.,0,en
there's a guy at the office today wearing full camo. at least i think so threedots i haven't seen him in a while,0,en
"well, you know what they say about nice guys threedots threedots they always let girls come first .",0,en
"Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.",0,en
"fun prank: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family , take a selfie instead and also steal their phone",1,en
What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst,0,en
Why are sailors so impatient when they get on land? Because they're tired of waiting in the rhumb line.,1,en
"I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend... I do miss him.",0,en
"honey , since i met you , i have never been able to love anyone else. why don't we get a divorce ?",0,en
"when theres a rack of lamb, there is not a lack of ram .",0,en
I went to the therapist after my phone died. I just needed an outlet.,0,en
"So, I picked up a girl last night at a Rapture party and we went back to my place. When I woke up in the morning she was gone",1,en
"I was told water cooling a computer would make it faster So I threw my laptop into a pool, and now I never have to see a loading screen again!",0,en
What's the worst part about Poland? Having a child.,1,en
What does a basketball game and a helicopter have in common? Kobe was on fire in both of them,1,en
what did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? oh snap !,0,en
"if someone writes you a long email that ends with "" thoughts? "" just reply "" nope . """,1,en
A dog is like a fire hydrant ... You don't really want to be standing in front of it when the flow starts.,0,en
The Comcast repairman asked if he could use my bathroom. I guess he had to cut some cable,1,en
"I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale.",1,en
If you have trouble near the end of the alphabet... Just take a deep breath and try to remember Y.,0,en
I used to be in a band called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure,1,en
I can count the number of times I actually used a flyer on one hand. And still have five fingers remaining,0,en
My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year. He's doing confidence intervals,1,en
Q: What's the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike? A: The place they are aiming at.,0,en
"Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?",0,en
Paul Walker must be wondering where his career will take him I bet he didn't expect going right into the windshield as a viable option.,0,en
why do comedians always ask such strange questions? because they're telling jokes,1,en
Why could the pirate not find the light switch He didn't have enough vitamin see,0,en
What's the difference between CNN and Al Jazeera? CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al Jazeera shows them landing.,1,en
why was the father centipede annoyed? because all of his children needed new shoes .,0,en
What's the difference between my gold fish and my daughter. My goldfish was dead when I flushed it down the toilet.,1,en
Pizza is my second favourite thing to eat in bed. First favourite is cake,1,en
"I like the lack of controversy over the Olympic men's figure skating ""No Need to Ask, We'll Tell! "" policy.",1,en
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?,1,en
"He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you",1,en
secret: something which is told to one person at a time .,1,en
"boy ant : feel like a swim? girl ant : can't , i'm not boy ant .",0,en
doctor : how's your headache? patient : she's out of town .,0,en
what did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down? crumbs !,0,en
What kinds of clothes do protons wear? Plus sizes!,1,en
What do you call a beauty pageant for pregnant women? Miss Carriage,1,en
"Black Is my favourite colour. What about you, automod?",1,en
"I came back from war to find out that I had missed the birth of my wife's second child. Turns out, I also missed the conception",1,en
What do you call a bird with brown feathers? A jail bird,1,en
Girls in Thailand are like a box of chocolate. You don't know which one has nuts.,1,en
when to leave your girlfriend? when your wife's clothes start to fit her .,0,en
"I like my high scores like I like my kids. I don't get near them for years but when I do, I beat them",1,en
jokes on her! i like sleeping on the couch .,0,en
How do blind people sign contracts? On the dotted line.,1,en
what is the similarity between a weiner and a rubik's cube? the more you twist them the harder they get .,0,en
Did you know Darth Vader had a wife? Her name was Ella.... Ella Vader.,0,en
"What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through? Oh God, not the B's!",0,en
"yo girl , are you my appendix? because i don't really understand how you work , but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out .",0,en
"Doctors have discovered that breast cancer may cause amnesia. After all, mastectomy would result in mammary loss",1,en
"What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker? In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.",1,en
"Well, I did it again. I focused on the one person at the concert who annoyed me and let it ruin my whole night",0,en
I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions,1,en
"friend : are you growing your hair out? me : i have no idea . honestly , i never thought i'd live this long",0,en
What do pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common? Flatbush,1,en
i love paying full retail for a game and not have all the content available. said no one ever,0,en
"dad : ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book me : get the what now ?",0,en
How do you measure the molar mass of guacamole? With Avocado's Constant.,1,en
"The best revenge is living well, unless you own a flamethrower.",0,en
How do you change the number of sides in a pentagon? You intersect it with a plane.,0,en
Why was the lion alone and disheartened? He lost his pride in a bet,0,en
'Put the cat out' I didn't realize it was on fire,0,en
Unvaccinated kids are like memes They die in about a week or so.,1,en
Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes? Because icing is not allowed.,1,en
What's miley cyrus's favourite color? twerkquoise,0,en
Q: How does a pair of pants feel when it is ironed? A: Depressed.,0,en
why is depressed clothing so convenient? it hangs itself,1,en
What kind of bathing suit do the animals at the zoo wear? A zucchini...,1,en
How do you dry out your phone? Put it in a bowl of rice,1,en
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha,0,en
"Anyone remember when a few stocks blew up in September? Yeah, those firework stocks really blew up in Beirut",1,en
"for several hours a day, we are just an arrow floating on a screen",0,en
"An Indian tracker puts his ear to the ground And says ""buffalo come."" Amazed, his clients ask how he knows. He rubs his ear and says ""hmm sticky.""",1,en
what did the maths homework website say to the geometry website? boy do we have problems .,1,en
Did you hear about the sheep who robbed the bank? The police couldn't catch him because he was on the lamb. ,1,en
why should you never eat your girl out in the morning? ever pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich,1,en
How do skeletons greet each other? Bon'nichiwa,1,en
"Sure, I could agree with you. Buy why should we BOTH be wrong",0,en
q : why did the wrestlers have to fight in the dark? a : their match wouldn't light .,0,en
Why don't paperclips move around a lot? They like being stationery.,0,en
"was asked to make the potato salad . i made it while sitting on the couch . yep, made couch potato salad .",1,en
"YSK: Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, make sure to reset all your clocks. Oops, wrong sub",0,en
What do you call a holy man who works at McDonald's? A Friar,1,en
Like a flat tire. how I'm rolling this morning,0,en
"what if animals "" were "" injured in the making of a film . do they list that in the credits? tim hurt one monkey . he is very sorry .",1,en
"Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.",1,en
""" you're odd "" she said. "" not even "" i replied",0,en
i was feeling great about myself when i saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ' for a good time '. then i recognized my hand writing,1,en
Little Anne was trying to cheat on an exam when suddenly... She got a heart attack. ,0,en
A physics teacher accidentally walks into the psychology classroom on her first day. Whoops wrong sub,0,en
Baby momma drama doesn't exist in the middle east. Baby Bomba drama however,1,en
"Sir your resume is just a list of songs you can play in Guitar Hero on expert ""yea"" Even trogdor? ""fo sho"" Alright, welcome to Led Zeppelin",0,en
"Half the People In Saudi Arabia are Well Off The other half is property,",1,en
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn't count,0,en
why should i submit a joke today? because today's april full !,0,en
"everything's gonna be ok ma'am, i've got a degree from an online college .",0,en
"They say God is watching our every moves, but Stealing a wheel chair is not the only crime you can walk away from. ",1,en
How long does it take until this is locked? Lets see bruh,0,en
"If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty",0,en
"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but that hard hat and pickaxe are pretty suspicious.",1,en
"well, a wasp just flew into my house and i hope the fire department gets here soon .",0,en
What do Pokemon listen to? Mewsic. I'll see my way out.,0,en
why did peanut butter flop at the talent show? he didn't have the right jam .,1,en
I am so smart They gave me special education,1,en
"Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn't find the other guy's arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours",0,en
I am trying to get some help for my PTSD. But it always seems to be one flash forward and then two flashbacks,1,en
"What do you get if you breed a Green Lantern, a car and an atheist? Willing suspension of disbelief",0,en
"donkey kong , king kong , and a smart blonde fight on top of the empire state building . who wins? none of them , they don't exist !",0,en
What did the wolfman say to the sentient AI? I am a were,1,en
What do you call a hirsute ceramicist? Hairy Potter,1,en
I licked the knife after I was done I was confused at why all the other surgeons in the room were staring at me,1,en
What does Mr. Kipling do in his spare time? Pumps cream into tarts.,1,en
"i was painting the house with my kids yesterday. it was fun and all , but i wasn't sure where to hide the bodies",1,en
what is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs? be sharp or be flat .,0,en
"How do you answer the question ""What's new? "" without sighing really loudly first",1,en
I tripped in front of Stephen Hawking. He lol'd,0,en
And this is what happens.. When the Vegas police hang up on a noise complaint call.,0,en
What's the most popular type of car in Turkey? Coupe,1,en
i don't downvote. it's bad karma,0,en
What's an American's favourite day of the week? Fryday.,0,en
I was loving the song with the great beat in the lunchroom at work today when I realized it was the dishwasher running. It's great to be me,1,en
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.,0,en
why is michael j . fox better than a vibrator? you never have to buy batteries .,0,en
What's Sarah Jessica Parker's favorite dance move? The Neigh Neigh.,0,en
What is someone who just got left at the alters least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe,0,en
"So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon. One says to the other, ""Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere""",1,en
does anyone know any jokes about buttons? topic .,1,en
"Extinction ""Not a chance. "" Said the last female Dodo, as she walked away from the last male",1,en
"""Can you explain this Gap in your work history? "" Yes that's when I worked for the popular clothing retailer",1,en
Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium? NeIn.,1,en
"Everyone where I live is surprisingly open to necrophilia At the very least, no one I've done it with has complained",1,en
me : did you know beethoven was deaf date : the dog? me : of course the dog,0,en
"i'm bored think i will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on .",1,en
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn't break,0,en
How will an IT guy fix a lamp? He'll restart the nuclear power plant,1,en
true friends don't judge each other. they judge other people threedots together,0,en
"If your bathroom mirror doesn't look like a Jackson Pollock painting, you're not flossing right.",0,en
"The longer a Facebook photo of someone's kid goes unliked, the stronger I become.",0,en
Where does algae drive their cars? On the rhodophyta.,1,en
"Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out",1,en
How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.,0,en
"What has six arms, six legs, and two heads? Nirvana",0,en
Why did email come easy to the lumberjack? He was already very familiar with loggin' :D,0,en
"People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.",1,en
What does Drew Carey have in his driveway? Cleveland Rocks!,0,en
What do me and Mariah Carey have in common? Neither of us know the words to any of her songs,1,en
my son likes this game called fortnite when do i call the vet to put him down?,1,en
Q: How do librarians file melted marshmallows? A: According to the Gooey Decimal System.,0,en
Why was the drummer sad about his boring instruments? Because he had the doldrums.,1,en
"my new year's resolution is to stop eating so much candy, so i can focus more on cookies .",1,en
What can be found in a Judge's freezer? Just ice.,0,en
What do you call a nice Canadian meal on a colorful roof? Poutina.,1,en
"If at first you don't succeed, you're probably assembling furniture from IKEA.",1,en
"i have good taste, but i don't have the money to prove it .",0,en
ME: I can't find my sandals WIFE: did you look everywhere? ME: yes WIFE: even down ME: yes even dowI did not put those on,1,en
"While single, focus on becoming a better person instead of focusing on finding someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next",1,en
I was talking to Bumble Bee the Transformer the other day... I didn't realize that he was such a car guy,0,en
"Instagram's down? What am I supposed to with my food, eat it",0,en
"Whichever way you cut it, it's always a piece of cake Title",0,en
Fun fact about Pop Smoke He's get smoked,1,en
""" you , the horse you rode in on and the horses mother ! "" "" what about the horses father? "" "" i already mentioned you once ! """,0,en
"If websites were athletes, Reddit would be a fencer. Obsessed with points and always reposting",1,en
How come everyone's forgotten about internet explorer? Because chrome takes up your memory.,0,en
"Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace",0,en
"Beware of alphabet grenades. Beware of alphabet grenades, if you throw them it could spell disaster",0,en
"tell me you love me. then get in the kitchen , make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so i know it's real",0,en
I'd just like to thank my English teacher for defining the word Many' for me. It means a lot,1,en
are you bad wifi? because i see there is no connection here .,0,en
"I decided to open a new business that builds doors for obese people, it shall be called Mordor.",1,en
You know who runs faster than Usain bolt? Usain bolt with a TV,0,en
Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!,0,en
"Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he'd like. After a stunned silence, I explained 'quiche' was not pronounced 'quickie'.",1,en
"Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the ""Like"" button",1,en
How did Steve get the clues? Blew the dog,0,en
How are a piano and a squirrel alike? They both aren't artichokes,1,en
What do you call a French pole vaulter? A Leap Frog,1,en
"Someone asked me what I liked about being in a special ed class I said ""there's some ups, but mostly downs""",1,en
what do you call a fish that's worth a lot of money? a goldfish !,0,en
What's an epileptic's least favorite Kanye West song? Flashing Lights,0,en
"when is a mass shooting not a mass shooting? when it involves energy , because energy had no mass .",1,en
I should rename my Reddit account to Digiorno. Because as OP I never deliver,0,en
I can't wait till next years veterans day: for the ones that didn't get captured....,1,en
"I saw a man with a board saying 'Repent for you're sin's, the end of the world is nigh'. I thought 'That's a bad sign'",1,en
"I started to worry that there was an emergency going on at my school, it seemed pretty vacant. Then I remembered that I go to school in Chicago.",1,en
"how many chuck norris ' does it take to screw in a light bulb? none , no light bulb dare go out in the presence of chuck norris .",0,en
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar... Its called inflation.,0,en
Girls are like internet domain names. the ones I like are already taken,1,en
Long distance relationships really work. When all the four people are happy.,1,en
"Question: What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.",1,en
If the pensieve from Harry Potter could think. It would be thoughtful,1,en
I remember my uncle always said he was part of the hood he was my favorite member of the kkk,1,en
"what is the difference between a physicist and a biologist? a physicist is atoms studying themselves , while a biologist is cells that study themselves .",1,en
I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus. Zayda Ate a Bagel,1,en
"an icicle got in a fight with a cpu it's okay, it's all water under the sandy bridge now",0,en
q . how can you tell if a man is happy? a . who cares,0,en
I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me,1,en
"A musician got electrocuted on stage Critics stated ""It was a shocking performance"".",1,en
Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!,0,en
What does M.Night Shyamalan always order when he goes out for ice cream? A large twist cone.,0,en
What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? The food!,0,en
I've finally taken the time to list my collection of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal,0,en
"hey threedots quick question , fellas: does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them ?",0,en
What does a vegetable use to change a flat? Asparagus...,1,en
I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits,0,en
Should we have to wash jokes before posting them here . Because they say clean jokes.,0,en
What animal can only survive in temperate climates? A lukeworm.,1,en
Children are like battery backups. I always keep a spare one in my basement.,1,en
"""Here's Ted with the weather."" ""..."" ""I said... Here's Ted with the weather."" ""..."" ""Ted? "" ""THAT's what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.""",0,en
What do Derek Chauvin and a mountain lion have in common? They both go for the neck.,0,en
"Recently in Germany Mommy: ""Where does the Choo Choo Train go?"" Child: ""To Auschwitz.""",1,en
"Some people say I'm unemployed, but I say I work. for steam customer support",0,en
"first date : "" so , tell me something no one else knows about you. "" well , my wife thinks i'm at the movies and you think i'm single",0,en
"ladies, please . get a hold of yourselves . there's enough of me to disappoint all of you .",0,en
What's the difference between Gabe Newell and a toddler? A toddler can count past two...,0,en
The best solution is always The Final Solution.,1,en
"Every living thing generates heat, all dead things gradually lose it, all things obey this, Except kids, when they die, they get hotter",1,en
What's an amphibian's favorite musician? John Frogerty,0,en
What type of car does a ghost drive? A BOOick.,1,en
Why did Tommen jump out the window? Because he was ready to come out.,0,en
what do you call a dead blow fish? threedots a blew fish .,1,en
Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth? He didn't have a Gar,1,en
did you see the joke on reddit about fixing the telephone pole? it was a repost,0,en
"my neighbour has diabetes and now she won't make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me .",0,en
tomorrow: the best labor saving device of today .,1,en
"patients always come to the office asking about measles And I tell them, ""no no no, i don't want to make this about measles. Let's talk about yousles""",1,en
what did the bee say to the flower? hello honey !,0,en
what's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? by selling your camera .,1,en
What do you call a male chicken with several romantic partners? A polyamorooster.,1,en
Hey Youtube It's just a prank bro,0,en
How does Smaug copy files to a USB stick? Dragon drop,1,en
how did the love seat get pregnant? because the couch didn't pull out .,1,en
they finally created a documentary about clocks. it's about time,1,en
"Watson: You always say you have a girlfriend but i never saw her. Who is she? Sherlock: She's quite elementary,Watson",0,en
The best part of being born? The settlement my parents got from suing the condom company.,1,en
doctor doctor my hair keeps falling out can you give me anything to keep it in? yes here is a paper bag !,0,en
I own a struggling scuba shop. my business is going under,1,en
Who satisfies earth the most? Sun. Because the sun goes down every night.,1,en
"TIFU by mixing up my wives subway orders. I gave Lucy's to Rosa, and Rosa's to Lucy",0,en
"God plays Sims You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.",0,en
What's the worst thing about ancient history class?  The teachers tend to Babylon.,1,en
"Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can't do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like ""You guys don't know her very well""",1,en
"If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.",0,en
who am i? i mustache you a question but i am shaving it for later .,0,en
She asked me for a dollar. But I only had three quarters of it,1,en
two man are walking across a bridge. one of them fell threedots the other was called bob,0,en
We were going to install Underfloor heating. But we got cold feet,1,en
What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife? A midwife crisis.,1,en
How do you stick things together like Fred Flinstone? You add a dab of glue.,0,en
"did you see the guy who didn't have a right hand? no , he left",0,en
go down a water slide when it isn't wet. and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay,0,en
"My wife has the legs of a supermodel. That's ok, I got the upper half.",1,en
mom: you have nose hair! me: you have yes hair!,0,en
what kind of bread always goes wrong? a rye,1,en
What do you need when you're constipated in math class? Squeeze Theorem,1,en
Ordered from the new pizza place called Revenge Pizza. I ordered a medium and they sent a large at no extra cost. The next morning I got the joke.,1,en
"True friendship is when you walk into someone's house, and your WiFi connects automatically..",0,en
"What song does a man sing to his wife who has Dementia ""Don't You Forget About Me""",1,en
Some days the problem is I care too much. Today was not one of those days,0,en
math teacher : what is the value of x? student : she was my life .,0,en
what type of store doesn't move? a stationary store .,1,en
did you hear about that jew that started a charity? neither did i .,1,en
"the fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend .",1,en
Did you hear about the casting for the new Batman movie? People have really Ben Affleckted by it.,1,en
actually saw two young people talking today. parents must have grounded them from their phones,0,en
what do you call a human that's now a cactus? a transplant .,1,en
So a man goes to work. Memed XD im a grill btw so upboat plz,0,en
men are like mascara. they usually run at the first sign of emotion,1,en
"What is the best way to squeeze orange juice You don't squeeze orange juice, you squeeze oranges ",0,en
Why is today John Philip Sousa Day? Because he told everyone to march fourth.,0,en
"I'm just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day. it may be time to trim things up a bit",1,en
"Prior to officially becoming a part of the United States, what was Oregon like? It was very unOregonized.",1,en
why was the texan afraid of the clock? because it reminded him that time was moving forward .,1,en
I was doing the deed with someone's mum then came a lot. What did I pull out? Excalibur.,0,en
What does a cat go to sleep on? A caterpillow !,0,en
A stallion and a mare where due to get married but the stallion didn't show up at the church. He got colt feet,1,en
Octopuses have three hearts. But that's nothing. I know someone called Jack that has four.,0,en
did you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? she broke it off,0,en
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show? A podcaster.,1,en
"My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs",1,en
what do you call a fight between film actors? star wars !,1,en
The act of questioning can be intimidating. Isn't it?,1,en
If we could put bread in a particle collider. We could discover new quarks and glutons,1,en
"origami is japanese for, "" we haven't invented scissors yet """,1,en
If I had a dime for every time I dug a hole. I'd be in the hole,0,en
Did you know that pigeons die shortly after mating?  At least the three I dated did...,0,en
"if everyday is a gift, i want to know where i can return mondays .",0,en
What does a little sister ride? A Nissan.,0,en
A particle walked into a bar. and it didn't,1,en
"Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically.",1,en
"me as a realtor: This house does include a crawl space. It's probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself",0,en
I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...  But they kicked me out for spilling the beans...,0,en
What's the worst part of running into your ex? You have to get out and check to see how bad your car is damaged.,0,en
"I got an invite to a wedding that said ""black tie only"". But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos",1,en
How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used the Hookshot!,1,en
"what's the difference between barbie and street fighter? in barbie , ken doesn't beat the hell out of women .",1,en
What do schools and photography have in common? They both have shootings,1,en
Can we defeat those bots? I just came here for crime investigation tho.,0,en
why did everyone love the fisherman? he was a real catch,1,en
just one. how many scientists does it take to build a time machine ?,0,en
how do you find a dead body? download pokemon go .,0,en
"If you combined all the movies of Rob Schneider and made them into one single movie, it would be an extremely long movie.",0,en
customer : how long must i wait for that turtle soup i ordered? waiter : well you know how slow turtles are .,1,en
"I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but... No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.",1,en
What's brown and sticky? A stick. My combo joke: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick,1,en
There's a technical term for a sunny warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday,1,en
why are haunted houses so noisy in april? that's when the ghosts do their spring screaming !,0,en
you wouldn't know her. she goes to a different internet,0,en
Lewis Hamilton: posts about another death On his Instagram Lewis Hamilton's fans: Is that another win?,0,en
John Lennon loved New York and its citizens until the end ... until the end,1,en
Do you know what happens when you eat too many wontons? You weigh wonton!,0,en
"in these hard times, it's crucial to stay as positive as Charlie Sheen",1,en
What did the Mexican princess ask her sister? Tijuana build a snowman,1,en
i've been locked in a room to cure my acne. i haven't broken out yet,0,en
""" what's it like being a female comic? "" "" well , you get asked what it's like being a female comic a lot . """,1,en
What's God's favorite guitar chord? G sus,0,en
"I said to my dyslexic mate, ""Guess which band has split up? "" He said, ""Erm...""",1,en
"I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell ""schadenfreude"", and I couldn't. But he's dead now and I'm not, so I win",0,en
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume,1,en
"in theory threedots in theory , theory and practice are the same. in practice , they never are",1,en
what brand of power tool does Chris Brown use? Black and Decker.,1,en
What's the easiest way to twist someone's arm? Thalidomide,0,en
"I had a dog named Herpes once. He was a good dog, but he wouldn't heel",1,en
Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks? HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR,1,en
"as my long term memory has improved, my short term memory has gotten worse. as my long term memory has improved, my short term memory has gotten worse.",1,en
Stephen Hawking died on pie day. Does that make it vegetable pie day?,0,en
She gave me a high five. I gave her the clap.,1,en
bought the missus a vibrator for her birthday. she's done nothing but moan ever since,0,en
"I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.",0,en
What's the toughest type of pie? Punkin pie,1,en
Where do the world's skinniest models come from? Hungary. ,1,en
What does a mathematicion find in a forest? A natural log.,1,en
why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? they can lighten your load !,0,en
Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator? Because he was General Electric.,1,en
What hairstyle does Christopher Nolan get at the barber? A director's cut,0,en
"I think my wife's sewing machine is on the blink. I'm not sure what's wrong, it just doesn't seam right",1,en
"Today's the anniversary of my uncles death At least he did what he loved the most, flying",0,en
q : how can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it? a : play the piano until you find the right key .,0,en
"I'm not heartless, I've just learned how to use my heart less...",0,en
How does cheese get more mature? Fromage,1,en
Once I broke an arm. The kid was never the same.,1,en
"what did the salad say as it was thrown into jail? "" lettuce go ! """,1,en
"My favorite artist is Chris Brown He has all the hits, just ask Rihanna",0,en
did you hear Jeff was fighting yesterday Fighting leukaemia,0,en
How do you change your kid? Take their clothes off with your clothes off.,1,en
you never lose by loving. you always lose by holding back,0,en
A colored man walks into a bar... That's all I got.,0,en
Floyd passing away was 'too soon' So was Kobe's helicopter landing,0,en
What is the difference between my uncle and acne? Acne only comes on your face when you are fourteen.,1,en
"i'm being sued by some atoms i think the court case will go fine , though. the judge knows they make everything up",1,en
"Adam woke up and saw Eve the first time, and said... ""I got ribbed off""",0,en
"be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea .",0,en
What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up? Its axle rose.,0,en
"What did the feminist say when they got introduced to another feminist? ""Nice to MeToo""",1,en
The quiet kid said he was going to expand a Wikipedia list It was the list of mass shootings,1,en
"i thought you were good looking, until i clicked "" view more pictures """,0,en
The greatest joke of all time. Android,0,en
I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...,0,en
I bet Americans can't wait for Halloween. They put the 'eating' in Trick or Treating,1,en
"hey facebook, i really don't care that somebody commented on a post that i commented on seven days ago .",0,en
What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.,1,en
did you hear miley cyrus and her new boyfriend broke up? it wasn't twerking out .,0,en
"walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you , and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out .",1,en
what do you get if you take off the red dot on the japanese flag? the french flag !,0,en
"punctuation let's eat grandpa let's eat , grandpa. correct punctuation can save a person's life",0,en
Quick question please. Why does auto bot spam Absolutely long empty space with some word in the middle for every comment? Why is this a thing?,0,en
What's pretty and expensive but has no use? Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.,0,en
Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A: A guitarist who'd told too many drummer jokes.,0,en
Armadillo... The world needs more armed 'dillos. Nothing is more fun than a 'dillo with a gun. Nothing can beat a 'dillo packing heat.,1,en
"calm down girls , it's starbucks. they sell coffee , not unicorn blood",1,en
I was doing well in gym class until we got to the skiing unit. It was downhill from there.,1,en
What's a rappers shirt made out of? Strait out of cotton,1,en
"captain hook hated paper scissors rock since he could only play question mark, which had no value in the game .",1,en
"If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.",0,en
What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists? Baryon my wayward son!,1,en
How do you know when you should get a puppy? When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out,0,en
"a guy asked me what i was doing in the wardrobe. i told him , ' narnia business '",1,en
how many dead babies does it take to confuse a blond woman? to get to the other side threedots,0,en
We now have two kinds of people Epstein or Kobe,1,en
As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!,0,en
Life's a game And I wanna play it on survival mode,0,en
"a woman marries a man expecting he will change , but he doesn't. a man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does",1,en
"""Removing my make up"" Or how I like to call it: ""Reset face to factory settings""",1,en
Where is the best place to find hot grills? A barbecue,1,en
"i'm surprised the pope didn't tweet from an android, considering humanity and god's experience with apples .",0,en
"ceo of kfc : "" we must always respect our customers . that is so important . "" ian : "" shall we still serve them food in a bucket? "" ceo : "" yes . """,1,en
what do you say when al gore writes computer code? he's writing an algorithm !,0,en
A pastor wAS nervous about talking infront of his congregation removed,1,en
"sweet potato fries. could be made from sweet potatoes, or they could just be really awesome potato fries",1,en
i went to a general store the other day. couldn't find anything specific,0,en
"i was in the supermarket and i thought i saw my name on a loaf of bread. i looked again and it said "" thick cut """,1,en
why does sean connery hog all of the oysters at a seafood dinner? because it's shellfish .,1,en
Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime. Balloon prices are going to go sky high,1,en
pro tip : make sure you're physically fit when arguing with a mime. they speak the language of the body,1,en
what gets wet as it dries? your sister,0,en
"Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful... ...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead. I beg to differ.",1,en
They say behind every great man is a great woman. Never been that into pegging though,1,en
Why do you always pick rock when going against a ladybug in Rock Paper Scissors? All they can do is scissor,1,en
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!,1,en
"What's a hippie's favorite animal? An elk It has the E, the L, and the K. Would like to hear some more if you guys have any.",0,en
"I can sing a rainbow.. Grey and grey and grey and grey, Grey and grey and grey... I can sing a woodlouse... Kudos to Bill Bailey.",0,en
"so i asked my dad threedots so i asked my dad during christmas dinner if anything were home made? he replied "" definitely not you . """,1,en
I wish I had known Chester Bennington He seemed like a cool guy to hang with. ,0,en
What makes a sock depressed? de feet,0,en
What is a relationship? It's the one that always sinks....,0,en
"There's a highway to hell. There's only a stairway to heaven. So a car ride downhill or an arduous climb up. Anyway, welcome to the baptism.",0,en
I've got an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one,1,en
What is a traveler's favorite font? Times New Roamin'!,0,en
"Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.",0,en
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it's for her is to eat it. Apparently,0,en
People always say that obesity runs in their family. I don't know about you but in my family obesity waddles in my family,1,en
han solo vs redditor han : never tell me the odds! redditor : i don't even .,0,en
"you totally had me at "" i want you "" and i was so excited, i completely missed the "" to leave me alone "" part threedots sorry my bad .",0,en
"if anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible ?",0,en
"I answer private number calls with: ""Rent a Gent hello""",0,en
scariest part of halloween? giving away all your candy .,0,en
What you do get from a dwarf cow? Condensed milk.,1,en
"listen buddy , i never said they were for sale. i just put the "" fresh eggs "" sign in my yard to brag",1,en
Do you know what the worst part of being paralyzed is? I can't stand being in a wheelchair.,1,en
"So beat harder Cancer is like children, the bigger it gets the harder it is to beat",0,en
Why did the Nihilist cross the road? Does it really matter ?,1,en
I do all my addition in my head. It's the thought that counts,1,en
I thought I had an STD once. turned out it was just carpal tunnel,0,en
why did the customer slap the cashier? because he was checking her out .,1,en
"so nasa has bombed the moon threedots so, it seems the moon is hiding weapons of mass destruction too .",0,en
What do you call a cancer patient that keeps fighting? Chemotivated.,1,en
What is the best battle royal game? American schools.,1,en
Once upon a time there was a happy woman. But that happened only once and only to one woman,0,en
"what do grandparents smell like? "" depends """,1,en
i woke my so up with a bj. she didn't seem to appreciate it,1,en
"People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?",1,en
Professor: What is an independent variable? Student: A variable who don't need no man,1,en
"vegetarian : ' you know , a cow died so you could have that burger '. me : ' maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food '",1,en
"Please help, my email isn't twerking. I think there is something cyrusly wrong",0,en
Q: What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments? A: Luters.,0,en
"no , i'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks. i can stop at any time i want",0,en
"""Dad, where do zebras come from? "" Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much",0,en
"Does money shrink when you wash it? No, but it does when you launder it!",0,en
"Kim Kardashian will star in new commercials for Geico as part of a promotion for new slogan. So easy, a caveman could do her",1,en
I once dated a magazine collector... She had some issues...,0,en
What do you call an unfinished inflow of money? Incomplete.,1,en
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music. I at least hope they separate us by music genre,1,en
"i have a rock garden. last week , three of them died",0,en
"Just fyi, if you're girlfriend asks you if she should lose some weight. ""I love you through thick and thin"" is not an appropriate response",1,en
"I saved a Muslim family of four that were drowning, yesterday. As a jpeg image.",0,en
Why couldn't the crime scene investigators find the murder weapon? They thought it was a piece of cake.,1,en
Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak !,1,en
Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket. You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home,1,en
Why did the male koala invite the female koala over to his bamboo. He wanted to have a treesome,1,en
"Bank Teller: ""Sir, your account is overdrawn.""  Me: ""So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?""",1,en
"When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money",1,en
saw a mime doing his gig. i reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat,1,en
What is a school shooting survivor's favorite video game genre? Psychological horror.,1,en
What do you call a woman lying across a racingtrack? Punchline.,1,en
Where do robots go for fun?  The Circuits.,1,en
I am glad. that everyone reading this is on the same page,0,en
"""Tell me"" said the hiker to the local farmer ""will this pathway take me to the main road? "" ""No sir"" replied the farmer ""you'll have to go by yourself!""",1,en
What do they call a group of cows? A big cow.,1,en
What kind of cancer does an amnesiac oncologist diagnose? Adenocarcinoma,1,en
Scientists have discovered. That left handed people are significantly more likely to finish exams than people with no hands,1,en
I call my printer Bob Marley. Because it's always Jammin',1,en
"life isn't a garden, so don't be a hoe .",0,en
shout out to my kids. because shouting is the only way they hear me,1,en
what do you call a milf barista? joe mama,1,en
Startling awake. is a good way to startle a wake,0,en
Can't sleep. Just miss Circuit City a lot right now,0,en
"The ""you are what you eat"" saying isnt real I know this because I wasnt a miscarriage",1,en
why did the sandwich shop sound terrible? it was out of tuna threedots,0,en
my girlfriend was complaining that i never buy her flowers. i didn't even know she sold them,1,en
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious,1,en
has the supreme court decided on man v. food yet ?,1,en
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Is Kohl's cash okay,0,en
Your mom is so sweet. I don't even need sugar when I'm eating her,0,en
People would often feel hungry after going to a funeral. In old Greek,1,en
Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!,0,en
"I love Clint Westwood easterns. Especially The Bad, the Good and the Handsome",0,en
"If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.",1,en
What happens to a polish man after he takes a shower? He turns into a pair of shoes,1,en
me : you'll always be my girl . daughter : even if i break stuff? me : depends on which stuff .,0,en
"teacher : now , simon , tell me frankly , do you say prayers before eating? simon : no sir , i don't have to , my mum is a good cook .",0,en
"computer humor Graphics card says to the RAM ""did you see that? "" he replies ""I Know"".",1,en
did you hear one direction is breaking up? they're heading separate ways .,1,en
what's the difference between sandpaper and a baby? the sandpaper doesn't scream when i rub it's face on wood .,1,en
Q: What was the most flexiest dinosaur? A: Tyrannosaurus Flex.,0,en
What did Ryan Lochte name his Gold medal? GoldiLochtes,1,en
"i took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then threedots i've never looked back",0,en
one night stand i felt so bad about my one night stand. i think i'll buy another one for the other side of the bed,0,en
Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying? Or has the Opportunity passed?,0,en
"if you feel like you're going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood .",0,en
Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights? To help them find missing sea men.,1,en
What musical instrument goes with cheese? Picklelo.,1,en
"I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk. It'll be my security gourd",1,en
What is the Easter Bunny's favourite kind of story? A cotton tale!,0,en
how much does nicki minaj sell security devices for? pound an alarm,0,en
"Modern day Paul Revere still warns about enemy incursions. But now it's one if by LAN, two if by wifi",0,en
i once made a belt out of herbs. it wasn't very useful and just ended up being a waist of thyme,1,en
Did you hear they discovered a carnivorous tree in the Amazon? Don't worry its bark is worse than its bite.,1,en
What was Aladdin called after he went Vegan? Saladdin.,1,en
What do you call mints you can spread through social media? Memementos,1,en
Did you hear about the kayaker that hit a submerged couch during the Rio Olympics? It was a fabricated story.,1,en
Giving To Charity Ex: You said you gave that money to charity!!! Me: I did. Her name was Charity,0,en
just unfollowed taylor swift on twitter. expecting a song within the hour,0,en
What does a bee do with his stinger at night? Put it in his honey.,1,en
"coffee , chocolate , men. some things are just better rich",1,en
"They say people and their pets start to look alike, which is why George Clooney is now tied to a tree in my backyard.",1,en
The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order. We call her Miss Steak,1,en
"hey , pens at the bank : cool it with the chains. you are literally last on my list of things i'd like to steal from a bank",0,en
what do you get when you cross a bridge with a car? you get to the other side .,0,en
Eve: I got an Apple. Adam: ... Eve: ... Adam: ... Eve: What? Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android. Eve: The serpent said this was better.,1,en
What do you call a floating dog? A good buoy.,1,en
My wife and I swapped biscuits. I guess you could say we switched rolls,0,en
"Why does Wiz Khalifa brush his teeth? Plaque and yellow, plaque and yellow, plaque and yellow.",0,en
what does little finger call the entrance to his brothel? hodor .,1,en
"Whether you believe in evolution or not, one thing is certain. Human ancestry's pretty fishy",1,en
"when your boss says "" you need help "", he never means a hitman .",1,en
"i went to an airport the other day . as i was about to catch a plane, i thought "" my dog would be proud . """,1,en
My dog is a rapper now. His rap name is MC Poochie.... Poochie Poochie Poochie Poochie Poochie Poochie Poochie.,1,en
"Shot my dog 's'mornin' Farmer: ""Shot my dog 's'mornin' Friend: ""Were he mad? "" Farmer: ""Twernt too pleased.""",1,en
If relationship of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp was an album it would be full of hits,1,en
"My parents said they liked my DNA strand model. I said, ""Thanks. It's a nice pair of genes.""",1,en
"I am finally going to be rich someday... I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes. 'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!",0,en
"i just got married and our bed is south america my wife gets brazil, and i get chile .",0,en
I'm not racist. I own a color tv,1,en
what's a farmers favourite part of a novel? the plot .,1,en
What people always have something on their mind Brain Tumor patients,1,en
"last month , i asked my dad if i could get a tattoo. he told me to get it somewhere that didn't matter , so i got it done in oklahoma",1,en
Did you hear about the woman who had to quit her job as an air traffic controller to date a monk? She got out of the flying plans and into the friar.,1,en
Named my dog Ophelia Would you like to Pet Ophelia?,0,en
"An awesome person fills you with awe, which stands to reason that a handsome person will fill you with hand.",1,en
"Foreigner: I wanna know what love is.. Me: It's a feeling you get when.. Foreigner: I want you to show me.. Me: Ok, like wow. We just met",0,en
I've never owned a telescope. But it's something I'm thinking of looking into,1,en
Clean your room You never know what you have until you clean your room ,0,en
million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays nickelback if you hit snooze .,1,en
"getting rejected by women ? try my new question: "" if i were to ask you out , would you say no ? "" sometimes it just feels good to get a "" yes "" .",1,en
"teacher jokes teacher if cannot is short for cannot . what is don "" t short for? pupil . doughnut .",1,en
why is it fun to play with matches? they're lit .,1,en
What is a statistician's favorite social media site? Histogram,1,en
How does Bono spell the word 'color'? With or without U,1,en
I don't know how to tell people this. But I want to be a translator,0,en
why didn't kevin from home alone call the cops when the burglars came around? he was running a trap house .,0,en
If a kid in a Wheelchair plays Pokemon... Do they get sad when they use Paralyze heal?,1,en
My fursona is my dead dog. I even made an authentic fursuit!,0,en
What is a spectre's favorite theme park attraction? The Roller Ghoster,0,en
"If television has taught me anything, it's that I can totally outrun an explosion.",1,en
"Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store? Because baggers can't be choosers,",1,en
want a girl to fall in love with you? use a thesaurus for a replacement of those lane words like cute and beautiful . it's working for me !,0,en
i once opened a box of life. all i found was disappointment,0,en
"and then the god said : "" noah , make a backup. i'm going to format """,1,en
"i ask myself , "" how did i get here? , "" i'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house threedots taking a shower .",1,en
What's Adrian Peterson's favorite gaming system? Nintendo Switch,0,en
What's the difference between a nuclear power plant and your mom? I wouldn't enter a nuclear power plant without protection.,0,en
What do Polish Hussars and toothpaste have in common? They both fight against Tartars.,1,en
Why shouldn't you have a conversation under a tree in the fall? There may be leavesdropping,0,en
When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that's what's up. But they're all at work,1,en
My wife says I make too many puns about sweat. I'm not sure what she's saunabout,1,en
What does a fencing Redditor always do with their jokes? Ripostes them,1,en
Introverts don't get ready for a party. They gather strength for a party,1,en
Why are they called hemorrhoids? Because asteroids was already taken.,1,en
what are some good deli related jokes? i need some good jokes about deli and or the meats and cheeses sold in them .,1,en
Looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me,1,en
"What do you call a guy who can't get a word in edgewise during an argument? A ""moderator"", apparently.",1,en
An american dad and son went skydiving in japan Their names were Fat Man and Little Boy,1,en
You know what I love about our relationship? We don't always need to talk. We can just sit here quietly disliking each other.,0,en
"the golden globe goes to threedots burrito threedots for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary .",1,en
"When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.",1,en
What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant? You have diafetus,0,en
"I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.",1,en
"before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated .",0,en
I got A Cup filled with warm milk. My wife said I needed to stop hogging all the milk because she needed to save some to breastfeed the baby later.,1,en
"instead of sending friends christmas cards, is it ok if i return the ones i got and just add the words "" me too "" ?",1,en
"After a few days with family, a padded cell with WiFi sounds like the perfect getaway.",0,en
What is the best thing to do with lots of Dutch cheeses? Edam...,1,en
Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.,1,en
Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car? He retired.,0,en
"You may refer to him as Cap'n Crunch to others, but you must still salute him in person.",0,en
Things that are uncommon in USA and India School Shootings,1,en
Teacher : What vaccines can be given to a pregnant woman? me : MTP,1,en
"Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday. In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently",1,en
"The Guy who traded a hat for things of equal or greater worth. No, seriously; let me know if you want to trade me something for my hat",0,en
What do Amy Winehouse and a Christmas tree have in common ? You can find needles hanging off both of them,0,en
a beautiful girl said hello to me. i replied ' thank you ' before i could think,0,en
All the workers at the nuclear reactor plant left work. They left a sign at the door. What did it say? Sorry! Gone fission.,1,en
"Whats a similarity between a person and a power line. If its down, its dangerous.",0,en
"It is a good thing butt cracks are vertical. If they were horizontal, we would hear clapping every time someone used the stairs",1,en
What do you call it when a pastry kills another pastry? Game of Scones.,1,en
"Why were the locals dissapointed when an old, decrepit, broken down bus rolled into an Egyptian town? They wished it was Anubis.",1,en
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's? A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.,0,en
What's a mathematician's favorite kind of music? Logarithms,1,en
motorist : does a deer have a horn? police officer : no a deer has two horns . motorist : then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle .,1,en
"Why do ducks look so sad? Because when they preen their feathers, they look down in the mouth.",1,en
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!,0,en
How would you describe the typical Inuit mathematician? Cold and calculating.,1,en
what did the mother say to her son when she saw him eating cookies for breakfast? your dad and i are getting a divorce .,0,en
"The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile got in a huge accident earlier. I never sausage a thing in my life. In frank, it was the wurst.",1,en
There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokemon go instead of fixing the bug. But I just can't seem to find it,0,en
So I bought the new cod game. Best fishing simulator ever,0,en
I want to send Luke Perry my condolences by sending him a memorial card. but I don't know his zip code.,0,en
"what will the "" red hot chili peppers "" become when they die? ghost peppers .",1,en
If anyone has a really good fish pun. Let minnow,0,en
woke up to find a cruise ship parked right outside my hotel window. well if you think this is going to make me put on clothes you're wrong,0,en
the best things in life are free. the second best things are very expensive,1,en
"Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard. No? Ok, I'll show myself out.",0,en
"i have a decaffeinated coffee table looking at it, you wouldn't know it",1,en
what kind of leash should you buy for a chihuahua? a short one !,0,en
my wife was complaining about how the washing machine was making a lot of noise lately. i told her to put a sock in it,1,en
"Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he's got it all figured out. He spends all day chilling in the water. His life is one big pool party.",1,en
"Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.",1,en
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked,0,en
Maybe Jehovah's Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they're looking for Heaven's Door. You don't know,1,en
How did the cavemen in the far east protect them selves? They Rocked their doors.,1,en
how does an atom with bad grammar respond to an order? i on it .,1,en
What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket? Independent,1,en
Why are there no awards for excellence in betas? Because no one wants to be the master beta tester.,1,en
Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.,0,en
"I know it's a tetherball pole in a public park. But, where else can I practice my sweet, sexy dance moves on a Sunday morning?",0,en
"i don't understand why we use the word ' late ' to describe someone who died , what were they late for? the funeral",1,en
"people who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them .",1,en
why do cows lie down together when it rains? to keep each udder dry .,1,en
""" that's what she said "" jokes will always be funny , but threedots i've only heard a couple of attempts at "" that's what he said "" jokes. let's see what you got",1,en
"I have the Anne Hathaway ""It came true! "" reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.",1,en
IPHONES. When I wants to talks to someones,0,en
What was Christopher Reeves given detention? He was horsing around,1,en
People keep telling me I'm beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have,1,en
I was seeing a girl once. until my binoculars broke,0,en
What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common? Nothing! Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.,1,en
I could never learn the alphabet as a kid. problems with the x,0,en
"Just once, wouldn't it be good to hear an athlete thank Natural Selection for his team's victory?",1,en
Did I ever tell you how I lost my job as a music teacher??? Well let's just say I tried to hit the G by putting the D in A flat minor,1,en
"My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect",1,en
an old guy at the gym told me i looked like his late wife. i'm hoping he meant while she was alive,1,en
I give frequent lectures about informative and interesting topics underwater. For academic porpoises,1,en
"unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less , facebook friend request: denied .",0,en
Obesity is seen as a growing pandemic A trend welcomed by Muslims...,1,en
Jared from Subway ensures the jury that the children ate fresh.,1,en
Why should sailors eat crabapples? For the vitamin sea.,1,en
I think you are amayonazing! I'd take it as a condiment.,1,en
How much money did the bronco have? Only a buck!,0,en
"Little kids are like ripped jeans... The more you use them, the bigger the holes get.",0,en
"I just thought of this masterpiece... No. No, I didn't because nobody here is ever original.",0,en
Q: Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry? A: On a clothes lion.,0,en
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting,1,en
"Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today. JK",0,en
What do root vegetables do at tha club? Turnip,1,en
Q: Do you know about the book about copyright infringement? A: It had legal binding.,0,en
I bought a gun from Chekhov. I figure I'll have to use it at some point,1,en
How do you turn a cobra into a rattlesnake? Give it to Michael J Fox,0,en
netflix asked ' how often do you watch period pieces? ' ' about once a month ',1,en
"For someone who said ""Correct me if I'm wrong. "" you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did",1,en
"q : what did one angel say to the other? a : "" halo . """,0,en
"i have a "" one dollar , one inch "" rule with the ladies : you give me a dollar , you get an inch. you give me three dollars , you get it all",1,en
"a woman caught her bald husband trying to steal a wig . she looked at him and whispered "" honey , what are you doing? we have toupee for that ! """,0,en
What lottery did the broom win? The sweepstakes.,1,en
Why did the dead twins get one grave ? They were joined together.,0,en
What's Jon Snow's favorite children's book? Where The Wildlings Are,0,en
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.,1,en
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.,0,en
My good mailman friend tells a lot of jokes about undelivered letters But no one seems to get them.,1,en
"the "" oops, wrong hole "" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend .",1,en
home alone: my favorite movie and also my hobby,0,en
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like 'responsibility',1,en
"What's the definition of irony? My neighbour's ""No Tespassin"" sign.",1,en
"my kid sat on the floor of a public restroom , so i had to throw him away and now i have to make a new one. parenting is hard , you guys",1,en
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science,1,en
What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved? He grounded him.,0,en
"I taught my maths class how to use a protractor, with varying degrees of success.",1,en
"What did the ancient Egyptian cheerleader chant? ""THERE IS ONE GOD, HE IS THE SUN GOD! RA! RA! RA!""",1,en
"why is the north pole of a magnet red? because they don't have seals on the south pole takes a while to get , but it's worth it in the end .",1,en
What did the Jewish man say to himself on a hot day? I should be used to being in an oven by now,1,en
""" i'm wet and have crabs. "" that's what sea said",1,en
"My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.",1,en
wife : we're not talking over the radio . this relationship is over . me : this relationship is what? over .,0,en
"how do you make a ginger snap? call them "" carrot top """,1,en
My favorite animal at the zoo is the gorilla. I ain't lion,1,en
what do Avengers Infinity War and Schindler's List have in common?  They both feature people being turned into ash,1,en
"sadly, the days of people using proper english are went .",1,en
"you think you can take me , tough guy? i'd like to see you try . seriously , anywhere fun you might be going . take me with .",0,en
"it's about time i talked to the boy about the birds and the bees. if memory serves , it's the stork that delivers and the swallow receives ?",1,en
A recent study has shown that woman that carry a little extra weight Live longer than the men that mention it,1,en
"i don't know where else to put this , and i know reddit hates it , but if you have ok google , ask ' what does the fox say? ' i love their sense of humor .",0,en
Knew a guy who fashioned an entire suit out of rubber bands. He was quite the snappy dresser,1,en
"I played the scale of A,B,C,D,E,F,G,A on my guitar last night I fingered A minor",1,en
Why does Jesus Jaywalk? Because he hates crosswalks,1,en
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.,0,en
"dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong .",1,en
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? He replied....chicken. Thank god he is good looking.,0,en
what makes you sweat during the summer? a sweater .,1,en
""" i love it when we finish each other . "" "" you mean : other's sentences? "" "" no . """,1,en
Why do electricians make good mediators? Because they're good at finding common ground.,1,en
A deaf couple decide they want to break up. Boy: Girl: Boy: Girl: Boy: They went their separate ways and never heard from eachother again,1,en
What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.,1,en
What is the difference between polish and a jew? The polish lives in a home but jew lives in auschwitz.,1,en
"What happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas It reaches the top of US's Most Deadly Shootouts list.",1,en
What drives the hype train? The hyper drive.,1,en
"If you are trading Cephalopods, it's important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value. You know.... Squid Pro Quo",1,en
A man who worked at a morgue got cremated by mistake while taking a nap. I guess two people got fired that day.,1,en
i went to a stevie wonder concert last week and it was terrible. they moved the piano and forgot to tell him,1,en
"I'm only friends with people who are taller than me, just in case of thunderstorms.",1,en
"They tried to record the Juno Satellite launch, but their computers were outer space. Outer. Space.",1,en
"What do Robin Williams and pictures of his family have in common? At one point, they were hanging in his house.",1,en
"Some French words have silent t's, like ""ballet"" and ""tbonjour""",1,en
"why does my wife think its weird i talk to a bunch of strangers on the internet, but it's ok for her to talk to multiple cats .",1,en
How do you know Uncle Tom's Cabin was not written by female hand? It was written by Harriet Beecher's toe.,0,en
what's a pilots least favorite holiday? may day !,0,en
How many Economists does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends on the supply and demand curve,1,en
"director : so, you'll be playing this regular guy threedots johnny depp : no thanks .",0,en
What do you call an old man selling plums? An entrepruner.,1,en
Someone ripped pages out of my dictionary today... I just don't have words for it.,0,en
Punctuation is important. A missed period should always raise alarm,1,en
I'm planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss. whether my dog likes it or not,0,en
What do you call a fashionable paraplegic? A trendsitter. ,1,en
I used to have dreams. then I became an insomniac,1,en
What noise does the number eight make when it's in a great mood? Grrrrr,0,en
I have to say to you something. something,0,en
"Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.",1,en
Game of Thrones would have had more seasons. But HBO didn't want it to dragon too long,1,en
A bank robber took a mop and a bucket of soapy water to a job. He cleaned up,1,en
"i hate when you tell someone you're bored , and they suggest getting together. then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored",1,en
What do you call a sick Instagram model? An Influenza,1,en
i like my men like i like my coffee i'm mormon. i'm not allowed,1,en
"For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..",1,en
I went hunting today Too bad half the class was absent.,0,en
In maths a negitive times a negitive equals a positive Which means my parents love me.,1,en
"If we call guns firearms, what do you call squirt guns? Waterarms",1,en
"wife : this year , can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning? guy who never found out santa claus isn't real : what",0,en
"saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all i can think is, who is she calling ?",0,en
"I'm going to be filing a complaint with the shampoo company. My girlfriend recently dumped me and this ""No Tears"" stuff isn't working at all",1,en
h : you look nice . me : i'm meeting one of my twitter friends today . h : so you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? me : yep,0,en
"I play better than some basketball players right now, like Kobe Bryant.",1,en
What did the dentist say to the computer? ...This won't hurt a byte,0,en
"I was gonna play Zelda via online emulator, but didn't wanna close the site I was on... ...so I clicked ""open Link in New Tab"".",0,en
"i always mean what i say. sometimes , i didn't mean to say it out loud",1,en
"I could be wearing a onesie right now, you don't know.",0,en
why was the robot mad? because people kept pushing its buttons .,1,en
"When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.",1,en
what did the school in egypt finally get? a new bus .,1,en
What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters? TIE tanium,1,en
"In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A G and P Z. The problem's H to O",1,en
Excited for the new Disney remake Heard they just finished the last scene of the hunchback today in Paris,1,en
I love dogs! They taste absolutely great with some lettuce and seasoning.,0,en
What's difference between Chester and my laptop? I get scared when my laptop hangs...,0,en
I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks. Too many jump scares,0,en
"your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it",1,en
"I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us",0,en
A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that,0,en
"My ex... My ex was like a rock pool. Shallow, but interesting. And upon closer inspection I found crabs.",1,en
I tried water polo but. My horse drowned,0,en
well you know what they say about history. those who don't learn from history : those who don't learn from history,0,en
What does a hiker love to listen to? A trail mix!,0,en
My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks. They are all very well done,1,en
anything related to halloween doesn't scare me. what scares me is when i flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising,1,en
Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider? Because it's hard to discern.,1,en
"wife : can you change the baby me : oh thank god . i'm so glad you said that . yes, yes i will wife : i don't mean swap it for a new one me : threedots",0,en
so what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family? at least i know the whole periodic table of elements !,1,en
Choosing dates is like choosing avocados You make sure they aren't brown.,1,en
"not to brag but my son's friend said "" your dad looks hot "" when i was cleaning the pool . she followed with "" is that heat stroke? "" but still .",1,en
"My wife and I rented Black Hawk Down last night. Or, as Brian Williams likes to call it, the Brian Williams Story",1,en
"Who'd win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.",0,en
i get in this weird mood where i don't want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. i call this mood awake ',0,en
"if someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit . don't show weakness . eat all of it",0,en
I had my photo taken with REM yesterday. That's me in the corner,0,en
what does justin bieber and jam have in common? they're both in bread,1,en
what do you call a girl on her period? call her next week .,1,en
My Wife has recently booked me onto one of these wacky escapology courses. Just not my thing.. ..and I'm struggling to get out of it.,0,en
what is the biggest similarity between the average redditor and a lumberjack? they both sleep all night and whack all day !,1,en
What do you call it when a sewer collapses on itself? Sewercide,1,en
"the trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. unfortunately , that's not a risk i'm willing to take",0,en
Let's play Russian roulette with a glock I'll go first,0,en
What kind of bird opens doors? A kiwi !,0,en
a woman gets a c section what does the doctor say to the woman who has to get a c section? there's not enough womb !,0,en
"I finally watched Bokeback Mountain. I learned that when two cowboys go up into the mountains, the sheep have nothing to worry about",1,en
Why did the soldier salute the occupied restroom? There was a loo tenant inside.,1,en
"they're not gym clothes if you don't go to the gym, they're pajamas .",1,en
Doctor Doctor I'm boiling up! Just simmer down,0,en
"someone asked : are you coming? me: No, but I'm breathing fast... them: me: them: me: I guess I'll save that one for Twitter",0,en
"look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the queen of england .",0,en
"all i'm saying is, i've never seen my ex and satan in the same room together .",1,en
"the baby fell on the floor at breakfast this morning. luckily , she landed butter side up , so the five second rule still applied",1,en
why wasn't the son of god worried when microsoft word crashed while he was writing his term paper? because jesus saves .,1,en
I got lost in a corn field. It was quite a maize,1,en
Where do calculus students go when they are sick? To L'Hopital.,1,en
"My Dream is to Become the World's Best Procrastinator. But I'll start chasing my dreams another day, I don't feel like it now",0,en
Did you know Oxford university was founded before the Aztec Empire? That explains the sacrifices my parents had to make to pay my tuition,1,en
TIL about Cunningham's law which states: The best way to get an answer online is to ask the question nicely.,1,en
"autocorrect ? more like autocorrect! am i right ? sorry , autocorrect ruined my joke .",0,en
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream,1,en
what do you get when water washes away dirt? a road,1,en
"what was the last thing arnold schwarzenegger said before he was eaten by cannibals? "" i'll be snack . """,1,en
"What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common? If you break a leg, you get cast",1,en
what is the difference between game of thrones and twitter? with twitter the number of characters do not go down with time,1,en
"What did the Spannish Amoeba said to the other Amoebas? ""Hola Amoebas!""",1,en
"If you ever feel like you can't do something, just remember. Suicide Squad is an Oscar nominated film",1,en
"i once visited the virgin islands. when i left , they were just called the islands",1,en
What did the unemployed hippie say when his dad told him to get a job. Namaste Jah bless,1,en
Why is absolute value never sad It always stays positive,1,en
"Now with all the kids outside, playing Pokemon. Dads and moms can stay inside playing Pokemom",0,en
"The minus sign tried to explain to the plus sign how multiplication works, ... ... but he only understood sum of it.",1,en
"everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens .",1,en
Why did the DJ consider himself to be a part of the LGBTQ community? Because he was transitioning.,1,en
"What's one thing Super Mario World and real life have in common? When you collect enough coins from a yellow block, it turns black.",0,en
ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? you're welcome .,0,en
"That moment when your crush is absent, and you wasted your time going to school.",1,en
it's true what they say: no news is fox news .,1,en
The real winner in the Mayweather Pacquiao fight.? The Bookmakers,0,en
"close the door, you're letting all the wifi out",0,en
"Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music.",1,en
What is an MRI's favorite music? Metal,1,en
What is John Wayne's favourite movie? Minority Report,1,en
"I've got hoes, in different Area compost",0,en
I painted my router black thinking it would be faster Now I just keep losing my packets.,0,en
Did you hear about the truck full of blueberries that crashed on the highway? It caused a traffic jam.,0,en
Why did the electrician multiply distance and voltage? Because he forgot his voltmeter at home.,1,en
What's the best part about a funeral? When the person below is involved,1,en
Why did the man have to sell his hospice? It was a dying business.,1,en
"Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair's body and bounce",1,en
"i just googled ' nicolas cage jokes ' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. well played , google",0,en
Is it a good idea to have multiple PhDs? To a certain degree.,1,en
my mom told me today that she is surprised i don't have a cat. i told her i was surprised she has a husband,1,en
What is the most effective birth control for men? Testicular cancer.,1,en
"How is the comment section like Hiroshima and Nagasaki? It was there at first, but now it's not.",1,en
"It's not God I dislike, He's cool. it's certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way",1,en
What's the difference between a bIack guy and a bike? A bike doesn't start singing when you put chains on it.,1,en
"Me ""Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg. "" Her ""Who's Donna??""",0,en
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories. I can't wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow,1,en
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? An Orlando nightclub.,1,en
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London,1,en
Why do Stormtroopers never laugh? Because they always miss the joke,1,en
What did the little girl say after the car wreck? ......,0,en
I tried getting a gf once. But the buyer only accepts cash. ,0,en
my e! true hollywood story would just be me trying to open a soy sauce packet .,0,en
"they say if you choose a job you love , you'll never work a day in your life. i have to work tomorrow",0,en
"Liz from HR just called me in. I guess my thigh gap is distracting everyone, like that's my fault",1,en
UVA did something King James couldn't do. Brought a championship to the Cavaliers,1,en
"Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla",0,en
How does a lobster answer the phone? Shello,0,en
My mate's in this band called Famine You've probably seen their adverts on TV.,1,en
Why did ranch break up with chicken wings? Because he blue cheese...,0,en
q : what do you get when you cross a camera with a mirror? a : a camera that takes pictures of itself .,0,en
When telling jokes to identical twins make sure you tell them the whole joke. because you just can't tell them a part,1,en
"My daughter just told me she's infertile. ""That's a great joke,"" I said. ""I can't wait to tell it to my grandchildren.""",1,en
I like stuffed animals. Oven baked with breadcrumb stuffing,0,en
"paper dance competition boy : hey , will you be my partner in a paper dance competition? girl : sure ! boy : great , so we are on the same page .",0,en
best year of my life! last year was the best year of my life . broke my neck and i have never looked back since .,0,en
What does an amoeba call its friend? Cell mate.,1,en
"warning , condoms aren't totally safe. a friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus",1,en
what do you call a chicken without feathers? dinner !,1,en
What does my bookshelf have in common with a Jewish family dinner? It's roughly the same amount of dust,1,en
How does the basis of all TIFU's start. by doing what you see on reddit,0,en
Why were Mary and Joseph considered such good businessmen? Because they produced such a great prophet.,1,en
Did you know that all milk has to be sterilized before use? Prepasteurous!,0,en
"What did King Midas say to the centaur? Stay gold, Ponyboy.",0,en
What do memes created on instagram and a phoetus in the trash can have in common? They're both dead before they were born.,0,en
"Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there? Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.",1,en
Why don't lamps talk? They're antisocial lights.,0,en
What's a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese.,1,en
why aren't the eagles worried about big cats sneaking up on them? they know there ain't no way to hide those lion eyes .,0,en
I once slept through a burglary. Next thing I knew I was in the back of a police van,1,en
did you hear about the blind dog that never got lost? it really nose it's way around .,1,en
"I hardly know you. but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday",0,en
I think tomorrow I'm going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV,0,en
where do the happy people of baltimore live? in a merry land .,0,en
The best underwear jokes. are brief,1,en
What do you call man with.. What do you call man with a rucksack on his back and salt and pepper on his head? A seasoned traveller.,1,en
i put a picture of my friend with ms on my computer. it quit running,0,en
"What starts with ""p,"" ends with ""s,"" and is really long? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis",1,en
"doctor : i'd like you to step on the scale. me : you first , pal",0,en
"I asked Santa for a Frisbee when I was a kid. But I was an only child, so he gave me a boomerang",0,en
"Why did the cat give birth at the park? Because the sign at the park said ""Fine for Littering""",1,en
As an altar boy... I developed an affinity for sausage.,1,en
"My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman. Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine",1,en
"Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.",1,en
I went to a camouflage themed party the other day. but I didn't see anybody there,0,en
"why do hunters close one eye before shooting? because if they close the other , they can't see !",1,en
What do polite Japanese people eat? Arigatoni,1,en
What do you throw a drowning guitarist? His amp.,1,en
What do you call a cold cafe worker? A burrrista.,1,en
I would look more like a mountain. if I were so inclined,1,en
i need a new bank account. this one has run out of money,0,en
Today i robbed a bank.. I hid everything in my basement. Two young woman and a healthy banker.,0,en
I bought some whipped cream. It's like regular cream but its wife wears the trousers.,0,en
"I was struggling to get my wife's attention So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick",1,en
Why do goths hate WWE ? They always get boxed in by The Undertaker.,1,en
My friend asked his fiance to marry him with a song. The proposal had a nice ring to it,1,en
"sometimes i'll casually say "" what else do you want? "" on the phone , so the pizza guy thinks i'm ordering for more than just me .",1,en
"Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.",0,en
i heard the titanic got a new job threedots she sells sea shells down by the sea floor. i hear it's a pretty high pressure job,1,en
what will the easter bunny be doing after easter? one to three for breaking and entering .,0,en
"In Hindi language, the word for iron press is 'stree', which is also a synonym to the word women. Just the way God intended it to be.",1,en
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common? An expiration date.,1,en
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!,0,en
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I've learned to hate fun because I want a super buff face,1,en
What do you call an overpriced and overhyped game? No Man's Sky.,1,en
How do polish people show gratitude? They say thansk.,1,en
What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding? Thanks for the mammaries!,0,en
wanna know something funny? my amount of karma .,0,en
"dear algebra , stop asking us to find your x. she's isn't coming back and don't ask y",0,en
"The homework is due on Monday. ""Can I get an extension? "" The homework is due on Monday.png",0,en
I don't know why everyone's complaining about chip card readers. I have bad credit,1,en
I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status,0,en
Did you know Han Solo had an employment agency? Han Jobs,1,en
"What did one dehydrated French man say to the other? What are we going to do now, Pierre",0,en
Who started the campfire website? Some bright spark.,0,en
One thing I like about Facebook. It's my space,1,en
Text from husband: Where are you at? Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.,0,en
when lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? lone lee .,1,en
What is Saturn's favorite movie? Lord of the Rings.,0,en
You guys know one student that won't walk out? Stephen Hawking,0,en
"billy asked our astronomy teacher a simple question today threedots "" mrs. north ? how big is uranus ? "" billy was sent to the office threedots",1,en
difference between computers and woman. i have no problem turning on a computer,1,en
What's a foot long and slippery? A Slipper. :D,0,en
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend? 'Your plaice or mine' !,0,en
what did the male titanic say to the female titanic? nothing he just broke the ice .,1,en
Did you hear about the mass shooting at the thrift shop? The killer was said to be goodwill hunting.,1,en
What does Sean Connery surf on the Internet? Reddish.,0,en
Unpeeled bananas are like unborn children You can't eat them yet,1,en
Did you hear about the philosophical gunman? He blew people's minds.,1,en
Why do the homies call their friend Paragraph? Because he's too short to be an essay,1,en
I've made too many withdrawals from the spank bank. They tell me my count is getting low,1,en
People say that objects are man made But I haven't seen someone making a women,1,en
"The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc",1,en
where do holy men sleep? monk beds .,1,en
"i've been on so many blind dates, i should get a free dog .",0,en
"touch it gently , put two fingers inside , if it's wide use three , make sure it's wet and rub up and down. yep , that's how you wash a cup",1,en
"How do you know if an old guy fought in Vietnam? Don't worry, he'll tell you. ",0,en
what do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot? overcome,1,en
Who was the most famous ant scientist? Albert Antstein !,0,en
What do you call a person that tells jokes to ghosts? A comedium.,1,en
"Why do you gain purpose from geometry? Because without it, life is pointless.",1,en
! false it's funny because it's true,0,en
What do you call it when a spider gets a pimple? Arachne,1,en
Why are birds the better pet When a bird dies you can eat it,1,en
"Great Barrier Reef is 'almost dead', say scientists It is officially being downgraded to a ""Good Barrier Reef"".",1,en
Why do we never take the time to thank mislabeled concrete? It's mistaken for granite.,1,en
have you ever traveled in time? how about now,0,en
what does a chihuahua play basketball with? a tennis ball !,1,en
Why did Snoo not check out a library book? Because he had already Reddit.,0,en
"My friend loves to use the phrase 'that's what she said' very often during arguements, but now... joke's on him, my new girlfriend cannot speak yet.",1,en
Why do they put velcro on the ceilings of hotels? To keep the back kids from jumping on the bed. ,1,en
Reckful was a great streamer and he will be missed! But I guess you could say he didn't miss lethal this time,0,en
How do you ask a sauce his age ?? Sausage ?,1,en
I bought some really cheap knockoff soy sauce... It was called Kinkomans,0,en
"pick up a book , any book . open to the middle , and read the first paragraph . make sense? welcome to twitter .",0,en
"When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that ""totally weird"" text you got from your ex last night.",1,en
what did the orphan poker player say? will you raise me,0,en
How did the swimmer die? He took too many lanes,0,en
If you look for gold in Australia where do you look for silver? Agstralia!,0,en
"What is a printer's favorite type of jelly? Jelly's fine, but paper jam is the best!",0,en
"Went out to play Pokemon Go, found the meaning of life. It's Golbat",0,en
What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread? Sourdough!,1,en
Whats chadwick bosemans star sign? Cancer,0,en
"what is the biggest mistake steve jobs ever made? he thought it was "" being at apple every day "" , not "" eating an apple every day "" .",1,en
What do you call it when a turtle beats a rabbit in a race? Aesop story.,1,en
"I wasn't sure if I'd find deer out here, until... I saw a sign that said 'Fine for Hunting.'",0,en
q : what is lemonade? a : when you help an old lemon across the street .,0,en
What's the most well mannered dinosaur? A plesiosaur.,1,en
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they're out of earshot,1,en
"what did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant? dead ant , dead ant threedots dead ant , dead ant , dead ant threedots",1,en
what are eight small pieces of cookie the equivalent of? one byte,0,en
As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters. until I realised they weren't to scale,1,en
"why do lettuce , cheese , and turkey have so many diseases? because they're inbred",1,en
I hoped to be a mortgage some day. But it looks like I'm forever a loan,1,en
I like my girlfriends like the french like there flags Completely white,1,en
While most puns make me feel numb... ...Math puns make me feel number.,1,en
"The difference between an European that feels fat and an American that feels the same? The European goes to the gym, the American goes to Jim's.",1,en
What is an Australian ghosts favorite pie? Boo Meringue!,0,en
"My friend's spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that game",1,en
"My wife made pancakes but they were totally lumpy and it's like, do you even sift bro?",0,en
I've been learning Chinese for a long time... Since I was ni hou to a grasshopper,1,en
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.,1,en
What do you call a hard working man from whose chauffeur is from seoul? Korea driven.,1,en
What do you say when the inventor of the telephone falls over? Alexander Graham Fell!,0,en
Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street? Because she didn't want to go.,1,en
What did the little fruit say when a man walked into the cold room he was in? I'm a little chili.,0,en
"what did one diabetic say to the other diabetic , on their blind date? i'm sorry , but you're just not my type .",1,en
"i've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower , comb my hair and brush my teeth. i think they might be trying to groom me",1,en
Did you hear about the battery salesman? He charged too much but got positive reviews. ,1,en
wife : where are you going? me : i'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously i'm off to fight crime,0,en
"how do you know if you are having a good time? when you throw your knickers against the wall , and they stay there .",0,en
What emits a monochromatic beam of salty snack food? Frito Layser.,1,en
how do birds record their songs? on duck tape !,1,en
A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play? Fortunes.,1,en
Why was michel jackson so good at chess? He could play both sides at once.,1,en
"If you want to know what I'm like in bed, try plugging something into a USB port in the dark.",0,en
"Sometimes I like to repost my statuses that didn't get any ""Likes"". because they deserve a second chance too",1,en
"What smells like fish, is sweaty and comes in large numbers? A breast cancer awareness marathon.",0,en
"Why did the porkchop scream for help? I'd tell you the rest, but I don't want to spoil the meat of the joke.",1,en
What's the difference between the Earth and my sock? The Earth's crust is on the outside.,0,en
How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer? With a Squeegee Board ,0,en
"Camo Bulletd You know, so they do see it coming!",0,en
What do you call a yellow Oreo? An orienteo!,1,en
i've decided to delete my twitter. i keep feeling that people are following me,0,en
Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...,0,en
"me: ""so is this a date? "" hitchhiker: ""um""",1,en
My wife used to be a nun. But I got her out of the habit,1,en
why was the road in so much pain? because it has a carpool tunnel .,0,en
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon !,0,en
"If grandmas had an award ceremony, what would it be called? The Grammy's",1,en
i was sold a calculator with the plus button missing. something doesn't quite add up,1,en
What is the similarity between Caps Lock and a jail? They can both turn o into O,0,en
Q: What's the friendliest school? A: Hi school.,0,en
Some inmates claimed Blackbeard was best. but I don't believe in cons' piracy theories,1,en
What section would a defective cabinet look for in a library? Shelf help,0,en
does anyone see this? test post please respond,0,en
"teacher : where is the english channel? student : i don't know , my tv doesn't pick it up",1,en
"If Socrates had been a woman, he would've said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.",1,en
"What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary? One says ""Good morning, boss !"". The other says "" It's morning, boss !""",1,en
Until yesterday I thought Chatroulette was a French pastry. No wonder the bakery didn't have any,1,en
What do you get when a cow jumps in cold water? Utter udder shudder.,0,en
why doesn't saran wrap have any friends? because it sticks to itself .,1,en
what happened to the american man who broke his leg? he went threedots broke .,0,en
"oh your boyfriend proposed? well i just realized my new dress has pockets , so i think it's obvious who's having a better day .",1,en
how can you make money fast? glue it to the floor .,0,en
What's that other thing we call women? SpErM bUcKeT,1,en
MMO players are the best people in bed. They're good grinders,1,en
How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar? He shreds.,1,en
""" sorry i haven't been tweeting much lately. "" guy who actually thinks people notice when he's not tweeting",0,en
how long did it take the fish to go to the store? salmon or eight minutes .,1,en
What do you call the Moon spirit that at once sits upon a lake of glowing jade and exists nestled within our divine souls? Altha'or syzygena,1,en
"Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can't believe that he did it. I wasn't even sick.",0,en
"When men and women argue who's the most stubborn. Then men concede they are are, because they just don't want to argue this anymore",1,en
"showers: never want to get in , then never wanting to get out .",1,en
Did you hear about the injured Carpenter? He hurt his widdle finger.,1,en
How did Mary and Joseph know how heavy Jesus was when he was born?  They had a weigh in a manger.,1,en
What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car? The bear maximum,1,en
What's the difference between a Porsche and a Skoda? Paul Walker wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda.,0,en
What do you call a lamington that weighs a lot? A lamingTON!,1,en
In what state Minneapolis? It's in a pretty bad state right now!,0,en
what do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality tv shows? survivor guilt .,1,en
I eat a lot of swordfish. I like to be ready in case there's a food fight,1,en
With XXXTentacion dead... I guess the only beats he'll leave behind are in his music.,0,en
i got an empty fortune cookie the other day. it was unfortunate,0,en
"A man walks into an old club. ""Please, do not touch the artifacts"" says the archeologist",1,en
"a man who calls himself "" dog the bounty hunter "" is currently hunting down a man named "" war machine "". we all live inside a comic book now",1,en
what's the difference between a jeep and a rental car? a rental car can go anywhere,1,en
Anybody have a time machine? I need to go back in time and stop my parents from creating me,0,en
Fruit Basket Stephen King and Richard Bachman are sharing a fruit basket. Which one noms de plum?,1,en
What's the difference between an Ariana Grande concert and a video game? People respawn in video games ,1,en
relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut,1,en
How chi was the Olympics? So chi,0,en
Mfw Mods give everyone mod permissions because they can't moderate themselves,1,en
"My financial situation is so bad, I'M being sponsored by a child in Africa",1,en
Had to put my dog down today. I just didn't expect him to be so heavy,1,en
Bad money What is the difference between an angry rabbit and a counterfeit dollar bill? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.,1,en
"i once asked my friend from new zealand to count how many girlfriends he's had shortly after attempting to do so, he fell asleep .",1,en
Difference between a newspaper and a TV. Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a television,0,en
Everyone claims Bill Cosby didn't care about his victims. but eventually they all came to,1,en
what do you call a cult that is hard to get into? difficult,1,en
how do you spell badly? with a broken magic wand .,0,en
"before you send that mass "" merry christmas! "" text don't .",0,en
Want proof advertising works? I just bought a Goodyear blimp.,0,en
"My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard",0,en
"Always remember that you have better taste in things than your spouse If your spouse has better taste, they wouldn't have chosen you",0,en
why did the dog scratch itself against the tree? ruff bark,1,en
q : how can you tell if a violin is out of tune? a : the bow is moving .,0,en
"My wife and I always fight about stealing the covers, so now we use separate blankets, beds, bedrooms, houses and area codes. Problem solved",1,en
"Thank you, pencil sharpeners! For always making a good point.",0,en
My daughter said she wants to be a princess when she grows up I handed her my car keys,0,en
"There is only one Supreme skin color Its obviously gray, the only color there is.",0,en
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? A toothbrush works much better,1,en
how did the pharaoh feel after falling for a craigslist scam? egypt,1,en
People say Money talks. But all mine says is Goodbye,0,en
when your girlfriend says do what ever you want . do not do what ever you want! its a trap .,0,en
i've just seen the new batman trailer. i prefer the batmobile,1,en
My little old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause,0,en
What foreplay does the praying mantis girlfriend enjoys? Being given head.,1,en
this is how i like to review my books: i look at their prose and cons .,1,en
What does Soylent Green taste like? It varies from person to person.,1,en
Our doctor's office painted their examination rooms the color 'Bran Muffin'. They hope to keep our attendance more regular,1,en
What did Pitbull ask for Christmas? Dolly.,0,en
I'm so hipster. I wear modern clothes before anybody in the future wears them as hipster fashion,1,en
Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform? So the Marine have something to hold on to.,1,en
how do you make god laugh? tell him your plans .,0,en
Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam !,0,en
I lost all my pokemon cards in a housefire. All I have now is Ash,0,en
"Careers Advisor to American student: ""What do you want to be when you leave college? "" Student: ""Alive"".",1,en
"broken cage q : what did the bird say after his cage fell apart? a : "" cheap , cheap ! """,0,en
What do you call it when someone admits to caring about how they dress? A confashion.,1,en
"Android lets you use ""Lumos"" for the flashlight, ""Silencio"" for the notifications... but not ""Incendio"". That is a Samsung exclusive.",0,en
The people at Netflix are geniuses. I'm impressed that they were able to make a show based on a swimming pool game! I wonder what they'll try next.,1,en
why does the man with the foot fetish always lose? because he's in defeat .,1,en
today i learned that wolves are not ticklish. tomorrow i need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand,1,en
What's the difference between relaxation and laziness? The angle of the recliner.,1,en
What would you call a very funny mountain? Hill Arious!,1,en
what does t'chala use as birth control ? wakondoms,1,en
People say that cave explores are the best at navigating tight spaces... But I think Catholic priests are even better. ,1,en
"Have you seen Kindergaten cop? It was such a good movie, they could easily make one or tumor.",0,en
why did lebron leave miami? because he just couldn't stand the heat,1,en
What game do little cows like to play? Moonopoly.,1,en
My favorite book is a Stephen King novel. but you've probably never heard of It,0,en
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff? ...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.,1,en
"tell me what you need, and i'll tell you how to get along without it .",0,en
What do books wear on a rainy day? Rain Quotes,0,en
"Kraft Foods, Inc. has moved their headquarters to Tel Aviv They're changing their name to Cheeses of Nazareth",1,en
"I was grilling, and dropped a hamburger patty Now it's ground beef",0,en
What's a crossfit bro's favorite Italian dish? Testosteroni.,0,en
What's the difference between matchstick and my newborn sister? Matchstick can only be used once.,0,en
Why did you drop the baby? Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did.,0,en
"Why does Meek Mill avoid shopping on Black Friday? Because the stores advertise ""Back to Back"" savings.",1,en
My friend once talked me out of jumping off a building with my new homemade glider wings. He said I didnt understand the gravity of the situation,0,en
""" what are you doing today? "" "" nothing . "" "" that's what you did yesterday . "" "" i'm not done yet . """,0,en
If video games make children more violent... why do they keep losing fistfights against me? ,1,en
what do computers snack on? micro chips,1,en
"sorry i missed your facebook event, i was super busy not considering you a friend .",0,en
did you hear the new whitney houston album? it didn't make much of a splash .,1,en
Even if I had a refrigerator with glass doors; I would still stand there with the door open.,1,en
Some people say i'm conflicted. I'm not so sure,1,en
What's the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes? You can't mash Frankenstein.,0,en
home: a mobile home with a flat tire .,1,en
diner : what's wrong with these eggs i ordered? waiter : don't ask me . i only laid the table .,1,en
"What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet? V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.",1,en
What does a priest and McDonald's have in common You can count on them to fill you up,1,en
"Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains.",1,en
big bang There is neither big nor bang in big bang. It's just sudden expansion from nothing,0,en
"We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing. and if you can't think of who, that friend is you",0,en
What did the house wear to the party?  Address.,0,en
What's the oldest age that a boy can have a circumcision? I just want to know the cutoff date.,0,en
Are you made of Copper and Tellurium? Because you're CU TE,0,en
when should a mouse carry an umbrella? when it's raining cats and dogs !,0,en
"like my nana used to always say, "" screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else """,1,en
What does Eddie Vedder like to wear to bed? his pearl jammies of course!,0,en
How do you know when the cookies are ready? When the baby stops screaming,0,en
"I wonder, if I say ""Hi"" to everyone on here, how many ""Hi's"" I get back? So let me say Hi....",1,en
What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails.,1,en
What did one ox say to another ox? A yoke.,1,en
Where do they make satis? In a satisfactory,1,en
What does a Christmas tree do after Christmas? It pines.,1,en
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon,1,en
"my boyfriend just texted me , "" we need to talk. "" i think he's going to propose !",0,en
"His wife caught him trying on a white and gold dress. ""it's not what it looks like"", said he",1,en
I hope Jackie Chan doesn't go the way of Eddie Murphy. I probably wouldn't be able to discern if he was playing every character in a movie or not,1,en
"i cried during that sad part of titanic, when rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean .",0,en
"For the last eight years I've been voted the "" most secretive guy "" in the office by my coworkers. Can't tell you how much this award means to me.",1,en
"the people on the internet are so friendly threedots one guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool .",0,en
Things Michael J. Fox would be good at Grating Parmesan cheese,0,en
there's a new video game called earthquake coming out. i heard it's groundbreaking,1,en
"what do green eggs and ham , and fifty shades of gray have in common? they both encourage people who can barely read to try new things .",1,en
"What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands? ""I literally can't even.""",1,en
What would Liszt eat for breakfast? Toaszt.,1,en
What does Pop Smoke and Macaulay Culkin have in common? Home Alone.,0,en
Where does the thumb meet its type? At the SPACE BAR! reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'!,0,en
Where do cows go when they die? Burgertory,0,en
What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue,0,en
"learn to spell , kids. auto correct isn't always write",1,en
"FUN FACT for you movie buffs, the original title for Star Wars: A New Hope was Space Squabble: A Fresh Dollop of Good Vibes.",0,en
"When I was a single man, I had an incredible amount of spare time. Since I started listening to full albums I'm always stuck in my room",1,en
"how can you tell if a redditor is a female? don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
Why didn't the girl cry after learning of her boyfriend's leprosy diagnosis? She didn't have a shoulder to cry on!,0,en
"my dad died recently, but unfortunately i slept in and missed the funeral i guess i'm not a mourning person",1,en
Why do crows do vocal exercises every morning? For the Good of the Caws.,1,en
I put on one of those things that prevents me from ever having children. A shell suit,1,en
What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!,0,en
Hot singles in your area need someone to fix their air conditioner .,0,en
"So, you know how they put that magic hat on Frosty and it makes him talk? I wonder if there's one that works in reverse, but for children.",0,en
How do old people check up to see how their friends are doing? They look in the obituary,1,en
i make a mean cup of coffee. this one just told me i'll never find love,0,en
"My college advisor asked me if I've ever been abroad Nope, I've been a man my whole life.",1,en
"I heard Orville Redenbacher served in the Army. They called the guy under him ""Lieutenant Kernel"".",1,en
"there are three kinds of women: the intelligent , the beautiful , and the majority .",1,en
Why can't you escape Microsoft Windows? Because Bill gates. ,0,en
what does every funeral begin with? fun !,0,en
"my brother can dish it out , but he can't take it. he since lost his job as a waiter",1,en
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig. But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee,0,en
Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault,1,en
What's a hotdog's best subject in school? History. Because history has always been written by wieners.,1,en
"The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser. I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat",1,en
"You know, you don't realise what you've got until you don't have it. I just ran out of toilet paper",0,en
I used to think my drawings made me autistic. it turns out my Grandma was just from Boston,1,en
my wife says it's time i stop pretending to be the karate kid. i had to put my foot down,1,en
I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language. The audience was left speechless. ,1,en
They say that when you find a spider in Australia. you hear boss battle music,1,en
"so there's this cute girl from work and i'm too shy to talk to her but then i realized, all i needed to do to talk to her was to remove the duct tape",0,en
what happens when you put too many paintings in your car? you can't make your van gogh .,0,en
"Fun fact: if you say ""I did the math,"" nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.",1,en
"My parents always told me ""School comes first..."" ""then me immediately after.""",1,en
The female praying mantis. knows how to get ahead in life,1,en
"When people go underwater in movies, I sometimes like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo",1,en
"I was staring at a fish. Suddenly, it started laughing ...It was probably because of my aqueous humor",0,en
"i keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because i'm really not glad to see anybody .",1,en
I finally found a girlfriend and when I did I got really pumped. Sadly after a year in the storage she needed a lot of pumping as well,1,en
What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code.,0,en
Why do you call these girls broads? Cause I don't wanna be specific,0,en
teacher : make up a sentence using the word lettuce! pupil : let us out of school early,1,en
"being ocd and an optimist, i see the glass half full but i measure to make sure it's exactly half .",1,en
"I keep getting calls telling me that I have outstanding bills... ...and while I appreciate the compliment, they're really nothing special.",1,en
"so i'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance .",1,en
People always call me unattractive until they see my wallet. then they call me poor too,1,en
"borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back .",1,en
Some nights I wrestle with my anxieties... But other nights we cuddle.,0,en
What dance did the Rastafarian teach Ash Ketchum? Dah okey pokey mon.,0,en
"Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread? Well, we had to do something with the ovens.",1,en
"just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette . slow down, buddy . don't get all the cancer today !",0,en
what is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral? the corpse .,0,en
There's not many things i like cold But a dead baby is one of them,0,en
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy,0,en
what do you call a web developer who enjoys finding bugs in the system? a spider,1,en
i've been trying to think of a name for my cricket shop. but i'm stumped,1,en
What is Stephen Hawkins's biography called? Veggie tales,1,en
what tv station do bees watch? bee bee c one !,0,en
Is Rick Moranis dead? or just his career,0,en
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman Does it work if the whole joke is in the title?,1,en
Doctor: what seems to be the problem? Me: I need to be docted Doctor: you came to the right place. I'm a doctor. I doct people,1,en
how was the red sea made? over a very long period,1,en
"What was the last thing Daedalus said to Icarus? ""You've got a lot of potential, son.""",1,en
"What's the difference between chess and real life? In chess you take out the king, in real life you take out the towers",1,en
What's a magician's favorite Mexican dish? TosTADA!,0,en
yes you impress me. but so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire,0,en
"it takes more muscles to frown than smile, so i'll consider this my workout for the day",1,en
A guy once lied about being a broom on the internet. I guess OP was a bundle of sticks,0,en
"i used to work in children's wear, but i grew out of it .",0,en
did you hear about the make a wish foundation going bankrupt? some kid wished for more wishes .,0,en
"Area Man Discovers New Dimension, Becomes Volume Man",0,en
i wonder what tsa would do if i brought a block of ice through airport security. my physics teacher said it's not a liquid,1,en
Why couldn't the chicken come to dinner? he didn't seem truss worthy.,0,en
"What are the advantages of having a family member with Parkinsons? Whenever they take a bath, you can save water by throwing your washing in the tub. ",1,en
my brother had to give up tap dancing recently. he kept falling into the sink !,0,en
"Sitting here wondering when a spiderweb becomes a cob. Like Plato, Aristotle, and the others",1,en
I'm really not a fan of Mayweather but. It's actually perfect outside so I cant complain,0,en
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.,1,en
Did you hear that they exhumed the body of John Lennon? All they found was a dead beetle...,1,en
"What does Michael Bolton say when he walks into an elevator? ""This place rocks!""",1,en
"if all else fails, lower your standards .",0,en
How do sheep keep warm in winter? Central bleating !,1,en
What is a deaf person's least favourite game? Simon says.,0,en
how do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you? try to get a long well .,0,en
What did the Computer Processor say when it was overclocked? It Hertz.,1,en
"My love is like communism; everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory.",1,en
"Why didn't anybody eat at Magic Johnson's cookout? He told the guests he put his blood, sweat, and tears into the food.",1,en
"You know what keeps me up at night? Pauly Shore has turned down more hot women than I will ever, ever meet. Pauly. Shore.",0,en
"Tonight's Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls. AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup",1,en
How did Stevie Wonder's mom punish him when he was a child? She rearranged the furniture,1,en
"when tragedy strikes your community, mcdonald's will still be there to take your money .",0,en
"A young boy is depressed The boy says: I want to learn how to be happy The second boy says: Don't worry, I can show you the ropes ",1,en
New documentary about the female menstrual cycle. Available exclusively at Redbox,0,en
What's the difference between a girl and a grill? Grills are loyal enough to take your meat AND cook.,1,en
Why does the Pope always win at chess? He has so many Bishops!,0,en
What do you call the James Brown songs no one listens to? Defunct funk.,1,en
for my birthday i'm going somewhere with no internet access. pretty sure this will involve time travel and possibly dinosaurs,0,en
what is the most exciting sport in the world? camping . its in tents .,1,en
"a man is with his wife threedots just look at the first comment, the joke is probably better .",1,en
Yall heard about Silento. But you know who else is Silento? His cousin,0,en
What do you call a Graveyard built on sandstone? A sedimentary.,1,en
"One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food. Now, I can't find anything to eat in the fridge",1,en
what floats on water and goes quick? a south african duck,1,en
"Arrested Development is cool, but when is Netflix gonna bring back my Grampa?",0,en
"What did one Jewish bird say to the other? ""Cheep""",1,en
"my friend offered me a free pole dance class . i said no . with my debt, the last thing i need to find out is that i'm great at pole dancing .",1,en
"I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't. So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen",1,en
How do you launder money? Put it under the soap.,0,en
What's a good name for a cat? Catsper.,0,en
What do you call a blond with one strand of hair dyed black? A glimmer of hope,1,en
"When i apply to the job... Interviewer: So why do you want this job? Me: Well, I've always been really passionate about not starving to death.",1,en
Why Japanese ANIME maker can't animate Anne's diary? Because the number of characters decreases every time shower scenes.,1,en
"nicki minaj knows we can see her, right ?",0,en
"a poet once gave a pigeon helium, and invented high coo .",1,en
I Saw a Huge Seagull Today It was big enough to be a D Gull. But not quite big enough to be an Eagle,1,en
"you can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. like if she walks away , she's probably not into you",1,en
I'm applying for a position as a mall cop. It has good job security,1,en
what do you call a sad ditch? a depression .,1,en
How do you call an insanely rich proton that spent all of his money to become an electron? Ex centric,1,en
what did the messed up psychologist have for dinner? freud rice .,1,en
My wife is getting fatter. I noticed when her whip cream bikini turned into a one piece,1,en
"I once told my dad: ""I feel there are a good and a bad wolf in me fighting for control. But which one will win in the end? "" He said: ""The one you feed.""",1,en
I met my bae on PirateBay. You could even say I swept her off her foot,0,en
what are the four fastest hands in the world? threedots when it slips out .,0,en
what did water say when ice farted? ice melt it .,1,en
"If yodas were real we'd have bred teacup yodas by now. ""Get those yodas as small as possible,"" is what we'd say",1,en
all women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. the only problem is that intelligent men don't get into relationships,1,en
Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A. When he goes to confession he takes a lawyer with him.,0,en
What spits blood and smiles? The dolphin you've fed razor blades.,1,en
"Pepsi just bought out Nike. Nike's new slogan will be, ""Just Dew It""",1,en
"""Snitches get stitches"" Cute little rhyme. However I believe, ""Snitches never wake up again"" is more likely to deter snitching",1,en
People are far too distrustful of chickens. They can't even cross the road without having their motives questioned,1,en
Dark Humoir Dark joke: Wakanda not forever.,0,en
What's the most sensitive protein? EMOglobin.,1,en
What does Rupert the Bear and Jack the Ripper have in common? Same middle name!,0,en
i told my therapist that i was hearing voices. he told me i didn't have a therapist,1,en
what's another name for the periodic table of elements? the atoms family .,1,en
"what do you call a dog that can't hear? doesn't matter much , does it",1,en
What did Snape say at Alan Rickmans funeral? Nothing.,0,en
We're about to have a bad spell... ...of wether.,0,en
What do you call an underwater ride sharing service? Scuber!,1,en
"A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don't worry; I yelled ""I'm taken,"" and ran into the men's bathroom where she can't follow.",1,en
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad. He wanted to be a millionaire too,0,en
NFL rules Did you know players in the NFL are not allowed to have pet birds? It's considered a personal fowl. :D,0,en
"Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas",0,en
""" now , how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that? "" thought the spider .",0,en
so i heard on the news that there was a school shooting in my city of chicago. it must've been a slow news day,1,en
Wanna hear a joke? My ex wife still misses me...,0,en
What do you call a water on a baby deer? fondue,1,en
"in case nobody has facebook, it's cold outside .",0,en
"""I'm sorry I could never do that for you, "" said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.",0,en
"So, a florist gave me the wrong flowers. I think they're called oopsie daisies",1,en
Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry? On a clothes lion.,1,en
What did the roach say after a series of disappointing hotel stays? This is my last resort.,1,en
Volcanoes are statistically more likely to erupt in March. They call it March magmas.,1,en
how do you greet a german baker? gluten tag,1,en
If you touch your computer in all the right places. You can turn it on,0,en
ME: What's this bit here? NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things,1,en
what's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? you can't wash your face in a buffalo .,1,en
What kind of database does a Pokedex use? PokeMongoDB,0,en
"I'm not very good at baking. my friend said to stick with it dough, it'll pan out in the end",1,en
Why did the peadophile sign up for Netflix? He liked chillin.,1,en
did you hear microsoft have started giving away office free to parents? word to your mother .,0,en
"When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the ""math"" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.",1,en
"What do you get if you cross a Green Lantern, a car and an atheist? Willing suspension of disbelief.",0,en
"""What charities do you donate to? "" ""I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.""",1,en
Ariana Grande is blowing up right now Just like her Manchester concert. ,0,en
i feel creepy every time i ' follow ' someone . where are they going to take me? i hope its somewhere good,0,en
You know what's great about senility? You can hide your own Easter eggs.,0,en
what is a blind persons favourite song? hello darkness my old friend,1,en
What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat!,1,en
DATE: ...so that's how I ended up at Harvard Law! ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL,0,en
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes? Antteneye !,1,en
"a man goes to the doctor for an operation to get part of his colon removed. he turns to his doctor and says, so dose this make me a semi colon?",1,en
q : why couldn't batman go fishing? a : because robin ate the worms .,0,en
"my brother and i were playing chess , and i said to him ' care to make this interesting? ' he said ' sure ' . so we stopped playing chess .",1,en
my wife and i can't agree on appropriate gardening attire. but she's digging in her heels,1,en
how do you know the rules of football was written by an italian? you switch sides at half time .,1,en
Why are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.,1,en
How did the cloud die? It dropped dead.,0,en
The day I let a dog make decisions for me. Is the day I go blind,0,en
"My doctor told me to pick a star sign. I said Virgo. He said no, you got Cancer.",0,en
"Mystery In an ironic twist, Oscar Pistorious has investigators stumped.",1,en
What do you call spaghetti from Poland Warsaw Spaghetto,1,en
why did the agnostic cross the road? we don't have enough evidence to say for sure .,1,en
What do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes,1,en
what do you call a dog that goes through your stuff? snoop dog .,1,en
what do you call an element found in the ground? barium .,1,en
"I'm rubber, you're glue. We are both very handy and have a variety of practical uses",1,en
What do you call the western half of Kenya? Kenya West,1,en
remember: tomorrow is topless tuesday no matter what human resources tells you .,0,en
What does it take for a soldier in uniform to pick up a girl? ... ....a smile and wave!,1,en
What's a French egg's favourite airforce? L'oueftwaffe.,0,en
"if i were to ask you out, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one ?",1,en
you know what i like most about people? their pets .,0,en
I once played the back end of a wasp in a pantomime play. But I thought I was the bees' knees,1,en
I'm surprisingly calm about Internet spoiling Star Wars to me. Who could believe Kylo Ren is actually vegetarian and grandson of General Akbar,0,en
"Why doeant ""Africa"" by Toto go ""I bless the food down in Africa.""? Because there isn't any ",0,en
Ad in the classifieds: Trade cute Doberman Dog for orthopedic hand.,1,en
Why couldnt the priest use the hundred year old well? He only taps young things,0,en
"A German student kept getting his ""tens"" wrong in Japanese studies. He had to erase all the jyuu's.",1,en
Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard. So now I'm explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon,1,en
"after the news today, i went to a chinese restaurant and made a special order threedots kung pao .",1,en
"my grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. he said "" it's worth spending money on a good set of speakers """,1,en
Every one knows about Elvis Everyone knows about Elvis the Pelvis. Less is known about his brother Inis,1,en
What's the worst kind of tea? Emptea!,0,en
"What did the turkey say to the goat? The turkey said gobble, gobble, gobble. The goat said back abdul akbar before blowing up.",1,en
i've got to go guys. yesterday i bought a new shampoo that's supposed to change my life,1,en
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you,1,en
I remember last year. It's like it was yesterday,0,en
Maybe Michael J. Fox could get a new show where his character doesn't have Parkinson's but he's a conductor aboard a moving train,1,en
"Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone... ... and I'm asking myself: Who let the .docx out?",1,en
i work at a restaurant and one of the chefs there is both dyslexic and epileptic. ended up sending out a chicken seizure salad,1,en
I was thinking of dressing has Nan form American Horror story: Coven But the thought of it brought me 'down',1,en
"I used to think it was strange working at the planet's largest mint. Now, it makes all the cents in the world.",1,en
what's gray and can't fly? a parking lot .,0,en
"I don't understand all of this Chris Brown hype. After all his music isn't even that good, his only decent hit was Rihanna",1,en
which web developer enjoys finding bugs? a spider !,0,en
"If you find stocking stuffers in stores around Christmas, what do you find around Thanksgiving? Stuffing stockers.",1,en
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say 'It's so cold out! ' and I say 'It's winter' and then we silently hate each other.,1,en
If you made a triangle with sticks. would it be twigonometry,1,en
"Sherlock !! I've spotted a mint on the big bed, what can this clue mean ? Why it's Complimentary my dear Watson..",0,en
whats a dentists favorite time of day? the time of day he get into his bmw to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day,0,en
My wife says I'm irresponsible with money! No change there then.,0,en
how is sandusky like a tortoise? he gets there before the hair threedots,0,en
i don't like going to funerals early in the day. i'm not much of a mourning person,1,en
Why is the cemetery the best place to be on memorial day? Plenty of single women.,1,en
Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud? He doesn't know how to turn things down,0,en
stop leaving the freezer door open! this is why we can't have ice things .,0,en
the last item on my bucket list is dying. how convenient,0,en
What Do You Call A Cheeseburger Without Pickles? A Cheeseburger That I Wouldn't Want To Eat.,1,en
"The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.",0,en
What do ghosts wear in the rain? Boooots,0,en
The real joke Is in the comments.,1,en
has anyone seen the new ebola video? i heard it went viral .,1,en
does a roller coaster like its work? it has its ups and downs .,1,en
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism.,0,en
Why are obtuse angles so unsure? Because they cannot be right,1,en
What do you call Winnie the Pooh's Grandmother? Poonanny,0,en
"a polish man invented the toilet seat a few days later, a german decided to cut a hole in it .",1,en
Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.,0,en
"Fidelity is overrated. If you look at the history, who has the most fun? Infidels.",1,en
"Quantity vs Quality Like my father always said... ""It's not the quantity of the girls you sleep with. It's the quality of the spots you bury them.""",1,en
Why couldn't the anthropologist find any Lomekwian tools? They were looking in Oldowan places,1,en
"Can rabbit jump higher than a sky scraper? Of course, a sky scraper can't jump...",0,en
"What did the pig say when it found a fly in its soup? ""Yum Yum.""",1,en
almond butter: for people that like peanut butter but don't want to be happy .,1,en
why is tomorrow like your girlfriend. it never comes,0,en
"Marriage is all about compromise. My wife told me I need to stop eating so much McDonalds, so I switched over to Burger King",1,en
what did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving? i liked the leftovers before they were cool .,1,en
"Why is the letter ""B"" so cold? Because its between AC...",1,en
Finally a girl talked to me She said: who are you? Where are you taking me?,1,en
"My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: ""That's mathematically impossible. "" Anyhoo, we're divorced now",1,en
Did you hear about the lumberjack who worked overtime? He logged a lot of hours.,1,en
"what's the worst news for a nascar driver before a race? "" the track is alright . """,1,en
"After all these years, how do Santa Claus and Mrs Claus keep the marriage fresh? Toys. Sometimes they even hire a few ho ho hoes.",1,en
"If you notice This notice, then you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.",0,en
"i think marriage is probably like having a business partner. no that's not true , probably weird if your business partner takes your kids",1,en
You know why the minion crossed the street? my brother died from terminal cancer,0,en
I don't buy my fruit from Chris Brown. because it's always bruised,1,en
"""Dad, why is my picture on that milk carton? "" ""Well, son, I guess it's time that I tell you the truth. You were adopted... from a dairy.""",1,en
what do you call a dancing cow? a milkshake,1,en
What is the one thing an orphan cant do? Score a home run,0,en
Here's the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have,1,en
Why was the Astronaut cold? He forgot to bring a space heater.,1,en
"there was a man so poor and broke threedots that when someone stole his wallet, the robber went bankrupt .",0,en
What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? Lmayo!,0,en
So I went to a hospice for people with Parkinson's the other day. They all greeted me with a hearty hand shake. ,1,en
what's the difference between being hard at work and being hard at work. threedots you can't be the latter if you're a teacher,0,en
when they start with the punchline. how do you know if your friend is a bad comedian ?,1,en
Did you hear about the penny and magnifying glass who got married? Their wedding was magnifycent.,0,en
Q: What happens when a professor teaches for a decade? A: He gets Tenyear.,0,en
why did the fisherman keep taking off? because he was fly fishing .,1,en
"We kiss in the doorway, she pulls me close, hoping I'll stay. Her face hardens as she feels all the cans of soup I stole and hid in my coat",1,en
My new mixtape is called GPA. And it's about to drop,1,en
Did you hear about the skydiving company that stopped providing their own parachutes? Too much overhead.,0,en
"What do you call a person that locks post? Nothing, if they lock they aren't a person",1,en
"Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain. You were waiting for the punchline but it never came",1,en
"a person went to a coffee shop. the waiter asked , "" do you want your coffee black ? "" the person replied , "" what other colors do you have ? """,1,en
"if ur fighting with your bae but sleepy, write what you're mad about on a piece of paper so u can continue in the morning",0,en
I'm fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?,0,en
What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon? dis counts!!,0,en
They wanted me to turn it up but loud music is not my forte.,1,en
"For no other reason, you have to be impressed with Panera Bread for never introducing a Peter Panera character. Respect",0,en
how do make a kia twice as valuable? fill up the tank,1,en
What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of his Macintosh? An Appaloosa!,0,en
What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket? The Easter Barney!,0,en
"Once I saw a kid wearing hearing aids, guess what did I ask him? Nice wireless earphones bro, where'd you get em?",1,en
My cousin lost his ring finger. Now we call him The Shocker.,1,en
what is it called when you eat cinnamon toast crunch at noon? cinnamon toast brunch,1,en
"how does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? she says , "" daddy , i want a new apartment . """,1,en
Teacher and student Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass? Student: I didn't even know they were catholics.,1,en
knock knock who's there ! bacon ! bacon who? bacon a cake for your birthday !,0,en
i was very disappointed to have to pay for my new roof. the builder had promised me it would be on the house,1,en
"Humans lives have worth. There, do you like my joke?",0,en
"why were the ants dancing on top of the jar of jam? it said "" twist to open """,1,en
What do you call a smart Australian? A New Zealander,1,en
here's a joke about my senior year of college. i tried,0,en
"Went to the shoe store and bought a pair of converse, disappointed they haven't talked back yet.",1,en
What is Madonna's least favourite band? Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly,0,en
"What is the origin of the word ""Boob""? The ""B"" is the aerial view, the ""oo"" is the front view, the ""b"" is the side view.",1,en
"Young people don't relate to George Foreman. That's why, today, I'm introducing the Skrillex Grillex",1,en
"I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you. Do you have any cookies?",0,en
What's the similarity between gamers and serial killers? They both collect skins,1,en
"When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked? ' is unwise, apparently.",1,en
what kind of bird lays electric eggs? a battery hen !,0,en
Why do some loudspeakers have holes? For the pleasure of the audiophiles.,1,en
What is an amputees favorite movie? Armageddon.,0,en
will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? depends on how fast you can carry it .,0,en
I've never met an exam I've liked. They've all been too testy for me,1,en
I tried Alaskan food once. But I wasn't that Inuit,1,en
Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward? Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.,1,en
"Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it's been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.",0,en
I thought I was getting a car for christmas. turns out all I got was a toy Yoda,0,en
What gets bigger the more you take from it? The lower class.,1,en
What's the difference between iFunny features and the gif subreddit? A week.,0,en
"my mom passed earlier today . it's sad of course, but i know one day she'll stop and say "" hi . """,0,en
"If you've been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom",1,en
"If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex. because it would be the longest year of my life",0,en
lpt: always know what subreddit you are posting in,0,en
"i like to write the word "" gullible "" on the ceiling then say "" hey , look it says gullible on the ceiling. "" i don't really understand jokes",1,en
what sits in the middle of the world wide web? a very very big spider !,0,en
"What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire? ""I'm getting the fudge outta here!""",1,en
"When villainy didn't pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.",1,en
what do you say when you're out of spoons? fork it.,1,en
"People call my Grandfather Spiderman. He doesn't have superpowers, he just finds it difficult getting out of the bath",1,en
unable to fall asleep all night from browsing on your iphone? there's a nap for that .,0,en
can't find the bottom of my shoes. guess i have some sole searching to do,1,en
"jokes from a college student . how to use green , yellow , and pink in a sentence? the phone goes green , green , green , i pink it up , and say yellow .",0,en
My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home,1,en
"not impressed with the speed of the internet back in my day, i could open my bedroom window in the fall and get chile .",1,en
"Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious",1,en
"we don't lose friends, we just learn who our real ones are .",0,en
"Just watched a guy in a shirt that read ""Jedi I am"" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir",1,en
i wasn't too impressed by dr. strange threedots i've seen stranger things,0,en
"what is your preferred type of birth control? "" well , its not preferred , but i practice abstinence . """,1,en
Why dont germans cook on gas Because they used it all,0,en
People keep making apocalypse jokes. Like there's no tomorrow,0,en
i caught a sea bass once. i wanted to mount it threedots but there were people watching,0,en
What's a Sudanese child's favourite TV channel? Khartoum Network.,1,en
my mother always told me to not worry about my health. it will go away eventually,0,en
A notorious card sharp was found dead last night. He'd been clubbed on the heart with a diamond spade,1,en
What is a Jewish person's favorite nut? A cashew.,1,en
What is your favorite performance experience? Auntie Red Tweet Tea,0,en
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.,0,en
what do hipster jokes and hipsters have in common? none of them are original .,1,en
What did one giant squid say to the other giant squid? What's Kraken!,0,en
My grandfather survived Holocaust... But not Nuremberg trials.,1,en
I tried to use my Dictaphone today. But I ended up just using my finger like everyone else,1,en
What's honey mustards least favorite holiday? Cinco de Mayo,0,en
What do you call a priest's sermon that takes too long? The Reverending Story,1,en
I've never really heard a ginger joke. Got any,0,en
"i sent a text to my friend's mobile: "" lost my contacts . send me your number "" . he replied with his name and number .",0,en
Whats a person from Alabamas favorite meal? Family spitroast,1,en
A haiku about early morning starts. No no no no no No no no no no no no No no no no no,0,en
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they're concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?,1,en
"if you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time .",0,en
What do you call a dog who digs up ancient artifacts? A Barkeologist.,1,en
What is in a virgin candy bar? Cherries and nuts,0,en
"this year for lent, i'm just giving up .",1,en
why do gods eat swiss cheese? because its holy,1,en
"yesterday , i got a fortune cookie that said: "" help ! i'm stuck in a cookie factory ! """,1,en
Why are public school kids better at FPS games then homeschooled ones? The school doubles as a shooting range.,1,en
What would Bill Nye be called if he spoke to ghosts? Bill Nye the Seance guy.,0,en
When you realize you're enjoying the May weather. But you want Pacquiao to win,0,en
Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.,1,en
"do you wanna build a snowman? come on , let's go and play !",0,en
Why was the dictionary on the top shelf more expensive than the one on the bottom. Because it was a higher definition,1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Burton ! Burton who? Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush !,0,en
What do you call a robbery of Italian ice cream? Grand Theft Gelato,1,en
"i was really into the idea of salsa dancing , until i learned there are no chips. or salsa",1,en
what sort of soup do skeletons like? one with plenty of body in it .,1,en
"How can a cat walk with no feet? He can't, it's impawsible.",1,en
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast. It was a millennial falcon.,1,en
"i often think if i'd taken a different path in life, i could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now .",1,en
Get Married. Then you'll never have to make a simple decision alone again,0,en
Lil wayne becomes a comedian. Lol wayne,0,en
How do sheep divide candy? They all get their fair shear,1,en
Why does the ni ja walked on the street Because he learns in the ninjas school,1,en
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk,1,en
"Have you seen the last BATMAN vs. WOLVERINE movie ?? It was very prestigious !!! ok, I tried",0,en
"He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere. I sat back and watched it all unfold",1,en
"Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri ""What do women want? "" She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.",1,en
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. unless it meets Chuck Norris,1,en
A husband and wife were found smothered in their bed. Detectives called it the pillow case,1,en
why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering? because they can't put their finger on it .,1,en
Instead of calling it them locker combinations. We should call the locker permutations,1,en
An ad at the zoo: Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!',0,en
You know why I always use the lower urinal? The water's colder.,0,en
"Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.",1,en
What is an over protective German father's favorite game? Sudoku a game of neins!,0,en
"I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets",1,en
"When u r married When you are single you see happy couple every where, . But . When u r married . you see Happy Singles every where.........................",0,en
When those first strands of gray hair came in... she thought she'd dye.,0,en
"did you guys hear about the old tv series "" the year ""? it only had four seasons .",1,en
Why shouldn't you take your clothes off while riding the elevator? It could get you an in descent exposure charge.,1,en
"What did Goldberg say when he boarded the wrong train? ""Auschittz.""",1,en
Learn how to avoid internet rip offs. Send me Reddit gold and I will give you valuable information on how to avoid future scams,0,en
"Jimmy saviles parents removed his grave out of respect, all that was left was a small hole with no bush.. Just how he liked it ",0,en
"Two utensils are laying in bed... One turns to the other and says ""wanna spoon? "" The other replied, ""no, I'd rather fork.""",1,en
Why aren't sumos chummy with racecar drivers? They move in different circles.,1,en
"And on the third day, Jesus came back. Because he accidentally left one of his edge trimmers in my backyard",0,en
"thought i saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. other than that , diet is going well",1,en
Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario he spends hours a day updating Wikipedia,0,en
"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying",1,en
"What do the slave trade boats and old, British tea barges have in common? Their product both ended up in the water.",1,en
"You call comcast and end up speaking to apu in India, how do your problems get fixed? When they transfer you to steve.",1,en
how do you raise a baby elephant? with a fork lift truck !,0,en
how often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? dairy,1,en
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well here's the elastic band.,0,en
glad everyone is done talking about the fight. now how about that may weather ?,0,en
How do you call for a bath? With a Teletubbie.,0,en
"saw a justin bieber cd taped to a wall. you better believe i took it , you never know when you will need a piece of tape",0,en
What is the most positive tree nut? Pecan,1,en
What's the strongest muscle on a pig? The hamstring.,1,en
coffee is the silent victim in our house. it gets mugged everyday,1,en
if you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks. cost me an arm and a leg,1,en
people say i have a dry sense of humor. so when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now i guess,1,en
It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too? K thanks.,0,en
salesman : would you like to buy a pocket calculator? customer : no thanks . i know how many pockets i have .,1,en
"What did the customer say to the barber after looking at a facial hair catalog? I moustache you a question about this style shown here, good sir.",1,en
"a nation cheers as bigfoot is finally found . "" we just yelled his name, "" said the head explorer . "" can't believe no one thought of that . """,1,en
""" what's on the inside is what counts threedots "" my sister, while opening the fridge .",0,en
all you dads out there couldn't hold a candle to my dad. he's petrified of candles,0,en
Spatula would be a pretty name for a girl. A girl who spreads easily,1,en
I feel like I've had this mustard before. it must be Dijon Vu,0,en
Why do women prefer old gynecologists? Their shaky hands!,1,en
"pork is awesome, but it's best when used as a verb .",1,en
"when you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious .",0,en
We need to get into the fertilizer industry. I hear business is booming,1,en
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands. They don't give a fork,1,en
"Ice skaters... ...do it on the slide, if you know what I mean",1,en
How is George Floyd like a NE Patriots football? Neither gets enough air!!,0,en
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today. It was because I'll only work on two sundaes a month,1,en
Did you hear about the Texas hipster whose bicycle was broken? He was fixin' to get his fixie fixed.,0,en
what are some good ' your sister jokes ' ? ones like: what's the difference between dinner and your sister ? i wash my hands before eating dinner .,1,en
Lightning doesn't strike twice. But atomic bombs have done.,1,en
We've replaced Steve's regular coffee with a detailed understanding of the impending heat death of the universe. Let's see if he notices,1,en
Wife: I lost my day planner. Me: Not in your briefcase? W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE. M: Well it looks like you've got a hidden agenda W:,0,en
Scientists have looked into claims of widespread mansplaining. Turns out it's usually just an ovaryaction,1,en
When is the moon not hungry? When it's full.,0,en
"i think i'm going to adopt a kid threedots recycling is important, after all .",0,en
There once was a magician who got so angry. That he pulled out his hare,1,en
"I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, Are you two an item",0,en
"Caught my wife in bed with a guy, says he's here to fix this wobbly wood bed frame. It seems legit, his Carpenter jeans are on the Floor",1,en
If Lucky Charms are magically delicious. it should be called Ethereal box,1,en
"Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.",1,en
What are pigskins used for? Holding the pig together.,1,en
What do you call a gorilla that's hair is two different colors? Harambre,1,en
"hr : do you know why we called you in here today? me : i'm not taking off my batman suit , sir .",0,en
How can you tell that microchips are made in the US and not the UK? Because if they were made in the UK they would be called microcrisps.,1,en
My classmates laughed at my chalk drawing... ...So I laughed at their chalk outline,1,en
"a man got into a fight at a strip club he lost, but in the end he fought hard .",1,en
"It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.",0,en
How is life at the post office going? It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness,0,en
What do you call an incredibly flexible chicken with an alien wristwatch? Bent Hen.,1,en
I've been really impressed by igloos. They're all white houses,1,en
What's the best selling soft drink in Italy? Dr. Pepe,1,en
"Me: ""Knock knock"" , Jesus: ""I'm not in! "" ... Me: ""Oh, come on."" Jesus: ""I refuse to open the door.""",1,en
How do zombies communicate in times of war? Cryptic code.,1,en
today is a very special day. the one day a year i can say i have a girl,0,en
"sometimes at the airport i'll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do i take mine out and say "" nice, me too """,1,en
"What's the difference between dough and a woman? Nothing, a rolling pin straightens both of them out.",1,en
"My teacher always tells us ""Be specific and explicit"" He learnt from life. His wife Karen told himself in bed""Eat me"". R.I.P Karen.",1,en
"Restaurant At restaurant, We wait for a waiter to bring order. Aren,t we waiter too",1,en
fact: all boots were made for walking .,0,en
"Oh, Ed! They should come up with something like Uber, but with horseback riding... Maybe call it Wilbur?",0,en
"What do Jaqen H'ghar from Game of Thrones and Christina Aguilera have in common? They both know ""what a girl wants"" and ""what a girl needs"".",1,en
I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi. You can imagine my disappointment,0,en
How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door? Just one if its lochte'd,0,en
"What is the difference between kids in China and putting down a dog? Nothing, they are both Euthanasia",1,en
"i'm thankful for my twitter family. without you people , i'd still just be talking to myself",0,en
my daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. it was delicious,0,en
"No, I don't know where most things are on the map! I've never been good at geometry.",1,en
"don't kiss today you're going to fast, it's only the first date",0,en
"my love life is like a pack of cards , first it was all hearts and diamonds. now i'm after a club and a spade !",0,en
QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.,1,en
Miku's history was my history well it was until she erased me,0,en
You know when it's a viral video when. The video is taken vertically,0,en
I've just brought a donut shaped pancake. Holy Crepe,0,en
"""This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash"" What do you mean? ""It's all denty""",1,en
how do you call sons of australians and germans? men at work,1,en
Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children: Bedtime. ,1,en
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!,0,en
Hey you know what's good about this corona virus? No more mass shootings,0,en
There are three things I can never remember.... There....um....uh....dang it! I forgot,0,en
they add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there's a leak and we're in danger. same reason axe body spray has a scent,1,en
"A disease is a lack of ease So if a woman is hard to get, then you can call her a disease. At least that is what Elliot Rogers did",1,en
"as i get older, i'm really just looking for girls gone mild .",1,en
"Church of Frugality: ""Thank you for the food which we are about to receive. Ramen.""",1,en
GOD: I've created donuts ANGEL: ooh they're yummy but why the hole? GOD: ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: because they are holy GOD: because they are holy,1,en
you know what happens when you put the toilet seat up? that's the joke,0,en
What noise does a cat make going down the highway? Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !,0,en
"Apparently when your wife says ""let's make a baby, "" she doesn't mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram",1,en
What disney ride has the most deaths The Action Espress,1,en
What do you call a camera with severe mood swings? A BiPolaroid,1,en
"My psychologist and psychiatrist don't agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it's like to have people fighting over me.",1,en
"For all the effort I put into faking it, I should really just start writing down the confirmation number at the end of a phone call.",1,en
What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!,0,en
What is an autobiography? The life story of an automobile.,1,en
Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor? He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs. ,1,en
What's the worst thing about flipping a coin? You only have half a chance... Rip Spiderman,0,en
What do a Cloudy Night and Dancing With The Stars have in common? More than likely you won't see any stars.,0,en
"Listen kids, money's tight. So when I make you balloon animals you should say 'thank you' and not complain about the lubricant",0,en
A man got arrested for assaulting someone with a defibrillator. The victim said that he was gonna press charges,1,en
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends,1,en
"The Subjunctive mood is pointless. If I were to create a language, I wouldn't include it",1,en
"my grandma started dying in the living room well, i guess it isn't the living room anymore .",0,en
I guess you could say that... Kobe made his final pass.,0,en
"What do Alicia Keys, Katniss Everdeen, and Joan of Arc all have in common? They're all girls on fire.",0,en
"Reddit Servers. Thanks, O Admins",0,en
Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers. That's because it's imaginary,1,en
"Math is sad. It takes hours to try to prove your point, but only one counterexample to destroy everything. Much like my marriage.",1,en
aliens do indeed exist. they just know better than to visit a planet that chuck norris is on,1,en
I loved the Boy in the Striped Pyjamas It's my favourite comedy .,1,en
What's the opposite of symbiosis? Marriage,1,en
"McConaughey: I'll have a venti with cream please Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name? McConaughey: I don't know",0,en
my girlfriend said i should be louder in the bedroom. but apparently she didn't give me permission to snore,1,en
What kind of pants does the Pink Panther wear? Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Deniiiiim,0,en
"time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman .",0,en
Somebody once told me I was a real skeptic. I didn't believe 'em,1,en
Most people want the year to go out with a bang But for Californians it's going out with a blaze,1,en
me : hey what's this weird lump? webmd : could be cancer . me : it's a raisin stuck to my elbow threedots webmd : you have two weeks .,0,en
knock knock who's there ! caterpillar ! caterpillar who? caterpillar a few mice for you !,0,en
"hey , did you hear they are opening a new bread store here in town? just what we kneaded",0,en
"how do you know when someone is gluten free? don't worry , they'll tell you . "" exit stage right threedots """,0,en
"I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings",1,en
"I went to a wedding today... I went to a wedding today, it went off without a hitch! Poor guy, this is the second girl that left him at the alter.",0,en
"How do stories from Justin Biebers early childhood begin? ""A few months ago",1,en
why did ea cross the road? buy the season pass now to find out !,0,en
It's so annoying when you've already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn't follow the script. Learn your script!,0,en
do you know why they call it the xbox one? because you take one look and walk away .,1,en
"Protip: Marrying a person isn't the only way to get someone to take your name, there's also identity theft.",1,en
What do flies do at church? Flyspray,1,en
"thoughts on "" the hunt for red october ""? oops , wrong sub .",0,en
Frozen be like I remember yesterday as yesterday.,0,en
"Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.",0,en
Walking down the street today someone handed me a free air guitar. No strings attached,1,en
I've been eating a lot of Thai food lately to lose weight. I'm on an Ethnic Cleanse,1,en
"went into a record shop and asked if they had anything by the doors . he said "" yes, a plant and a fire blanket . """,1,en
"If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.",1,en
Where do young cantaloupes go in the summer? John Cougar's Melon Camp,1,en
Who sends flowers on Valentines Day? Cupigs!,0,en
"even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman",0,en
Don't interrupt someone who loves puzzles. Or you might hear some cross words.,0,en
What I lack in imagination I make up for in. stuff,0,en
"A girl on Facebook says it's officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors",0,en
"""is this the Krusty crab? "" No! This is Patrick!",0,en
what's the worst thing about fridays? realizing it's only tuesday .,1,en
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color,1,en
Teacher: whats german and fictional Kid: the fairytales of the Grimm brothers Teacher: No the hollocaust,1,en
my brother and i had a contest of who could cover their christmas gifts the best. it was a wrap battle,1,en
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in,1,en
i know a guy who refuses to use anything except paper money. but he says he's trying to change,1,en
"Does Robbie Williams like decimals and percentages? No, he's loving angles instead.",1,en
why do handicapped people wear shoes? because if they didn't their local gas station would turn a blind eye .,1,en
i took my boat out the other day and it made sounds as if it were sick. so i took it to the dock,1,en
"Dishwasher at work is like my girlfriend. It has everything it needs, but still beeps",0,en
Take me down to Orion city. where the girls are green and the grass is pretty,0,en
What side dishes did Jesus eat at the last supper? Peas and hominy.,1,en
What famous painting do cows love to look at? The Moona Lisa!,0,en
"I love avocados in my salad I would go buy some right now, but I don't have a car doe",0,en
I don't mind comic sans. It's honestly a very well rounded font,1,en
Q: Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread? A: Because he tried to get fresh.,0,en
it's fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses,0,en
If you are what you eat. Then i really am an innocent little girl,0,en
i just bought something with money at a store . now i'm taking it home . i guess it's true: you get what you pay for .,1,en
Did you hear Elon Musk just started a new breakfast foods company? What else can you expect from a cereal entrepreneur!,0,en
"I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need.",0,en
Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping? In case your other agus breaks.,0,en
A word in this sentence is misspelled. Misspelled,1,en
What is a kinda cool vegetable? Radish,1,en
"If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I'm inviting you to race shopping carts, you're my kinda people.",1,en
"the sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people .",0,en
I always greet new people with 'Expelliarmus'. it tends to be pretty disarming,1,en
"As a new special Education teacher, I had thought it would be an easy job Then the light flickered",0,en
"i've decided to leave my past behind so if i owe you money, i'm sorry but i've moved on .",0,en
before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life ?,0,en
"I've become such a positive person recently, that I only wash my hair with Pantene Pro V bonafidepoo and proditioner.",1,en
"A percussionist tells his fellow percussionists some puns His group laughs at every pun he makes. He asks a friend: Hey, are my puns a tenor what?",1,en
"You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good, but it's actually enticing!",0,en
How much do flying broomsticks cost at Hogwarts? Quid each.,1,en
Did you hear about the waiter who became a manager? He worked his way up the food chain.,1,en
My programmer friend keeps telling me I'm using too many brackets. I keep telling him that two wont hold all those books he never reads,1,en
"""Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? "" is just not as challenging since she started using foursquare.",1,en
You know how Chadwick Boseman died I guess he was too curious,0,en
"The only time my girl friend will ever scream ""DEEPER, DEEPER""... ...is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!",0,en
"An unemployed engineer gets lost while going to a job interview at the navy base Woops, wrong sub.",1,en
"I caught a big fish! I was going to mount it, but there were people around! Source: Emo Philips",0,en
Someone is watching you. And his name is John Seenya,0,en
one thing that watching cartoons have taught us. gravity only works if you look down,1,en
Why was Doughman the only hero to rise up and help? because he was kneaded.,0,en
"I'm not a quitter. ""Lights cigarette""",0,en
"if she says , "" i'm ok , "" you're fine. if she says , "" i'm fine , "" you're not ok",1,en
what do you call a shark with no friends? a lone shark,1,en
what does a noodle say after praying? ramen,1,en
What's the definition of a mere myth? A pirate ship thailing clothe to an itheberg,1,en
i'm either tired or hungry at all times. often both,1,en
"This year I have decided to release a Christmas record called, ""Duvet Know It's Christmas?""  It's a cover version.",1,en
q : did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? a : it took him four hours to get the bass player out .,0,en
Did you hear about what happened with the elk? It was really amoosing.,1,en
"I was talking to a mathematician the other day about fractions it was fair to say, our opinions were divided",1,en
What's Rolf Harris' favourite chord? A Minor,1,en
"what does past , present , and future have in common? threedots tense",1,en
"If Kobe were to teach students, how would he start if off? By conducting a crash course",1,en
prove that lightning isn't wizards fighting. you can't,0,en
I used to collect old broken pocket watches. But now I barely have the time,1,en
what is the difference between camping and being homeless? marshmallows,1,en
What do you call a person who likes ceilings? A ceiling fan,1,en
Why are circles so knowledgeable? Because they have three hundred and sixty degrees.,1,en
What do you do when you see a man bleeding out Hide the body,1,en
What is the golden rule for cows? Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!,0,en
"Note: When you cut jeans into shorts, remember to wear the top half, not the bottom half. lol. these denim calf warmers tickle my legs.",0,en
the challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other's smartphone .,1,en
What do Ethiopian's and a pair of jeans have in common? They both have flies on them.,1,en
What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness,1,en
What's a priest's favourite musical chord? B Minor.,1,en
teacher : how can you make so many mistakes in just one day? pupil : i get up early !,0,en
"Note to self: Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.",0,en
where's the school for the blind? threedots it's hard to see .,0,en
"if a stack is first in last out and a queue is first in first out , what is a circular queue? first in never out .",1,en
"if procrastinating were an olympic sport, i would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony .",1,en
"""Siri, do you have free will? "" ""I am programmed to say 'Yes'.""",0,en
"at the bank , i told the cashier , "" i'd like to open a joint account please . "" cashier : "" ok , with whom? "" me : "" whoever has lots of money . """,1,en
During the last school play I felt funny and came over queasy. At which point I was told to leave the production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.,1,en
Where's the best place to explore? Rome.,0,en
remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? my boss has yet to be impressed with this skill .,1,en
Anyone know any good HP Lovecraft jokes? I only know a few Old Ones.,0,en
"don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and i think it's you .",0,en
What has more reposts than Reddit? Africa.,0,en
I bet you that Michael J. Fox was just shaking in anticipation for this day,0,en
What state did the programmer start her road trip in? Maine,1,en
"the generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other .",1,en
What do the Chinese consider a gourmet meal? Rice and anything else.,1,en
There was this story on overcrowded animal shelters. I just couldn't put it down,1,en
What is Link's favorite hotel? Hyaaaaatt!,0,en
"When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer. They're extension chords.",1,en
what happened after the word bank was robbed? there was a run on sentences .,1,en
"I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support",1,en
Which lake is named after the Cleveland Steamer? Titicaca,1,en
The chimney wasn't the only think Santa came in this year.... He came in me too.,0,en
What is the difference between a bachelorette party and Cirque du Soleil? One is a group of cunning stunts.,1,en
"You know, they said it would take a few years for my medical practice to get off the ground. But I just don't have the patients",1,en
how fast can you travel in any direction in an airport? terminal velocity .,0,en
"My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope. I said, ""I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in.""",1,en
what do you call a cheap maid uniform? maid in china .,1,en
"thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing ' for display only ' signs on the toilets at home depot .",1,en
"Im really bad at culinary terms, Char, sear, flambe, caramelise, scorch. It's all Greek to me.",0,en
"I never thought I'd say ""I love you"" to another man, but it just kinda came out when the guy at the drive through window handed me my food.",1,en
"When I was little,I did not have rubber ducks But my mom found a solution. Every time I did a bath, besides me was a chicken, defrosting.",1,en
what kind of dog suffers most from being inbred? a hot dog,1,en
"did you hear about the comedian that calls himself "" the sofa king ""? he's sofa king funny .",1,en
What's an Impressionist's favorite condiment? Manet's.,1,en
What's the difference between William Shakespeare and a dead girl in my garage Shakespeare died a virgin ,0,en
Pokemon go in Brazil I heard Pokemon Go players in Brazil can catch an exclusive Pokemon. the Zikachu,0,en
I always avoid talking about bungee jumps when meeting new people. I just find it creates a lot of tension,1,en
What is your mom's favorite animal? Macaque.,0,en
What was so special about Bounty's new line of paper towels? nothing they were tearable.,1,en
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun,0,en
"If lemonade is made from lemons, what's a colonnade made from?",1,en
why did the pilgrims eat turkey on thanksgiving? they couldn't get the moose in the oven !,1,en
You can lead a horse to water. but jet fuel can't melt steel beams,0,en
"My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter",0,en
"got my blood test results back today, and it's just as i feared. my body is filled with a ton of blood",1,en
"I went to a wedding. The bride had something old, something new something borrowed...and the groom had something blew.",0,en
"How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? ""It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!""",1,en
I like my girls like IKEA In a box with a few bits missing,1,en
A blonde was asked why her list skipped every other number. She replied I can't even,1,en
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out...... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.,0,en
What do you call two pencils fighting? A grafight.,1,en
Did hipster polar bears like the North Pole. before it was cool,1,en
Why didn't the cheese get sliced? It was destined for grater.,1,en
What's the best thing about mail order brides? They're the only dishwashers out on the market that can also make you a sandwich.,1,en
"Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.",0,en
"you better take care of me lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands .",0,en
I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife's bickering between songs.,1,en
How do you pick up older Spanish women? Hola Seniority,1,en
How soft is Bill Gate's pillow? Microsoft.,0,en
Why are Toblerone's triangular shaped? So they fit in the box.,0,en
what happens to stephen hawking when he stops laughing? he writes scary stories .,1,en
"i love you so much, i'll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice .",0,en
What do you call a baby from Dover? Doverkiin.,0,en
"And then I realized, it's not that I love documentaries. I just love establishing shots of courthouses",1,en
"At the grocery store. Customer: ""Are these GMO carrots?"" Worker: ""No, why do you ask?"" Carrot: ""Yeah, why do you ask?""",1,en
"he's very handsome, by which i mean he has some hands . the normal amount of hands . i'm not great at describing people with words .",1,en
I have a friend who has a strange obsession with ceilings. I guess you could say he's a ceiling fan,1,en
what do you call a happy husband? broke .,1,en
What diagnosis did the veterinarian give to the dog with the funny walk? The dog has cerebral pawlsy.,1,en
"I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.",0,en
Learning about frequency is so boring. It literally Hertz,1,en
Why was the scalar depressed? Because he had no direction.,1,en
What did the nurse say to her gardener? How ironic! I also have to go water some vegetables!,0,en
"a man walks into a restaurant and asks , "" you got any spare ribs? "" the owner says , "" nope . i need all of mine . """,1,en
Which Greek god was annoyed by his invitation to the Goddess Dyslexia's party? Ares.,1,en
"What do you call the act of putting your dog in hot water? In America, this is called having your dog take a bath. In China, this is called soup.",1,en
"Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.",1,en
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find her? Because she's Transparent.,0,en
where's the best place to look for a joke? the mirror,0,en
What's Mike Tyson's favorite Scarlett Johansson film? Luthy.,0,en
"Good morning, Anerica. Happy anniversary day!",0,en
"i'm torn between feeling like i can do anything if i wanted to, and feeling like i don't want to do anything because i don't want to .",0,en
"A pianist's girlfriend broke up with him, and he was distraught. He just wanted Debussy Bach.",1,en
"Long ago, my grandfather used to make huge holes on his land, so that it could hold water. Once a pond a time.",1,en
Why do Catholic priests like Indian restaurants so much? Unlimited fresh naans!,1,en
"How does Mr. Miyagi eat Babybels? Wax on, wax off",0,en
"Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity",1,en
What do you call it when you can't see your skin? Pore resolution,1,en
"There's a big difference between writing poetry, and just making stories with rhymes. Guess which one I'm good at, limes",0,en
Whats the difference between me and cigarette? My dad never left cigarette,0,en
If Slash made a joke. Does he tip his hat or drop his guitar,1,en
"Me: hello I've run out of toilet paper Front desk: oh I'm sorry for the inconvenience Me: oh no worries, but I've also run out of towels",0,en
Q: Why do marble statues look so mean? A: They have hearts of stone.,0,en
how do you get reddit to improve their search function? have cnn report on how bad it is,1,en
I guess you could say there was Fallout At New Vegas,0,en
my sister called in a panic to say she'd dropped my kid. i didn't even know she was pregnant,1,en
Q: What does a turkey do when he flies upside down? A: He gobbles up.,0,en
"""Flex Tape, the super strong tape that grips on tight and never gets off!"" ""Just like my wife!""",0,en
Why do vegetables have no bells? Because nobody's home.,1,en
Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure but certainly rings a bell.,0,en
I don't find Schindler's List to be that good of a movie I only laughed a couple of times,0,en
"Ellen Pao couldn't become a Miss America, so instead she became a Miss Ogynist.",1,en
What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!,0,en
"i always get the last word in arguments with my girlfriend. i just say "" yes ma'am """,1,en
"you name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it .",0,en
What is the difference between Windows and the US Goverment? There is none. All of us hope that the next version will be more stable.,0,en
Why do you think your report should be on the net? Because my marks are all 'E's.,1,en
What's the most annoying thing about making cheese? The curds get in the whey!,1,en
"A Segway segway Oh hey, speaking of Segways....",0,en
Why don't robots have any brothers? They all have transisters.,0,en
"What what Juan's twin sister named? I don't know, Juana guess",0,en
"I like my dog how I like my steak Medium rare, with some fries",1,en
"If clinical depression was a sound, it would be two people trying to talk at the same time during a conference call.",1,en
why did i break up with my spare change? it was too clingy,0,en
Pruning a branch can save a tree I'm glad to see covid is raising the IQ in the states one inbred at a time.,1,en
"i've said it before, and i'll say it again threedots i've said it before .",0,en
You guys hear about that mathematics student who was flunking? He only understood his field to a degree and decided to look at it from a new angle.,1,en
What a difference between a battery and a kid? A battery has resistance,1,en
What do a women and a personification have in common? They are both objects with given personalities,1,en
"if someone asks if you've been crying just say , "" why threedots do you want to watch? "" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone",1,en
Why are Americans so good at COD? They practice in school,1,en
whats the difference between me and the bible? i'm easy to read,1,en
I think my dog wants to be a carpenter. He likes roofing,1,en
"What's the slogan for Orion's Pizza? OP delivers. Not a great joke, but my wife claims no one will get it. I am trying to prove her wrong.",0,en
why did ea cross the road? buy the season pass today to find out !,0,en
Hoarding's great. Collectively speaking,1,en
Mcree spots a high school he rolls and fans the hammer,1,en
Since we have several people participating in the debate tonight. Would it be considered a mass debate,1,en
what do you get when you ask for a roman pinch hitter? an italian sub !,1,en
What do you call a group of kangaroos? A Kangacrew,1,en
When you have a relationship with a positive person. You usually get aids,1,en
What's the most common marriage proposal? You're what!,0,en
Religious differences Judge asks one young couple: The reason of your divorce? Wife: Religious differences! My husband did not recognize that I goddess.,1,en
my wife told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. i'm planning on wearing it this friday,0,en
Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King Richard III Spoiler Alert: Richard III dies in the end.,1,en
what do you call someone who cleans vacuums? a vacuum cleaner .,1,en
"when i have complicated problems i always ask myself , what would my imaginary wife do? and then i end up buying myself cupcakes , and shoes .",1,en
How does a ghost start a letter? Tomb it may concern.,1,en
"What makes kids and Porsches similar? The harder you put your foot down, the louder they'll scream. ",1,en
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ...",1,en
I like my music like I like my tea Black,0,en
What's Lorde's favourite band? Yeah Yeah Yeahs,0,en
"we're all different. for example , some folks get up early to exercise threedots and others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up",1,en
I hope Steven Hawking was an organ donor Because I need some new parts for my go kart,0,en
Why do oreos always have a worried look? Cause they have a filling something could go wrong.,1,en
What's the best thing to get a blind child for their birthday . A pair of scissors .,0,en
"Sorry I can't come to your thing tonight, I'm too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can't come to your thing next week",0,en
Why did Ronald McDonald divorce his wife? He found out she's now selling her McMuffin all day,0,en
What is the best kids TV show that never aired? The New Adventures of Madeleine McCann,0,en
what do you call a human organ cut in half? a human piano .,1,en
I like to eat meat without the skin Circumcised,1,en
"I made a line of soda called Bad Wifi It's not doing so well, everyone keeps saying it isn't refreshing.",1,en
Is it vegan If it's made from vegans?,1,en
Life is like a sandwich... A woman creates it for you,0,en
Fred: Do you like my new hairstyle? Harry: In as much as it covers most of your face yes.,0,en
"I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.",0,en
What does a priest say when his wife asked what he wanted at the store Peas be with you,1,en
What's an alternative name for the Fat Man and Little Boy? Rice cooker.,1,en
"Judging from what most terrifies my cats, when the apocalypse comes it will be heralded by a great rustling of plastic grocery bags.",1,en
The body burns a lot of calories digesting food. That's why I eat instead of exercising,1,en
"Two Lumberjacks were killed during a recent hurricane. The next day's headline read: ""Nature Shows Idiomatic Side; Kills Two Beards with One Storm""",1,en
"after we got the divorce she let me have everything . except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in . i call it "" the house "" threedots",1,en
What does ADA stand for? Dyslexic Association of America,1,en
what did the bishop say to the priest? it's my turn .,1,en
What did Naruto say at his mentor'a funeral? Bereave it.,0,en
"every time i get a birthday card with money in it, i pretend not to notice the money and "" read "" the card .",1,en
"Recently developed melanoma on my cheek, so I quickly went to the dermatologist. Turns out I just fell asleep on a chocolate chip",1,en
"girls love shoes threedots so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off .",0,en
what reindeer can jump higher than a house? they all can ! houses can't jump !,0,en
Small kids are like tomatoes A bit of hot water and the skin easily peels off,1,en
"it is so much easier to turn friendship into love, than love into friendship .",0,en
what does samuel jackson say when he is mugging you? what's in your wallet,1,en
"A teenage polish girl tells her mom that she's pregnant. Her mother says, ""are you sure it's yours?""",1,en
"What can you lose, but never win ? Virginity.",0,en
Today I met this electrician. Sadly I can't remember Watt his name was,0,en
If you look closely at a mirror... It looks like an eyeball.,1,en
"I used to suffer from delusions that I was a bland, flavourless cut of meat. but now I'm cured",1,en
"My cousin's a traveller and he lives in a camper van, but he's always wanted to brick up. so he drove on dirt roads until he got a flat",1,en
"British army joke I have autism, does that mean I can join the special forces",1,en
"i've got two part time jobs . i'm a boxer, and a warm up act at the comedy club . i read between the punchlines .",1,en
why do hamburgers make good baseball players? they're great at the plate !,1,en
Upvote This Actually Downvote thx ,0,en
Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human? He was just chasing tail.,0,en
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner's life. I'm still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed,1,en
New Stephen King book! I hear that Stephen King is writing a new book dealing with the horrors of cat ownership. It's called Pffffffffft,0,en
What is a balloons least favorite kind of music? Pop music.,0,en
today i saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk . whose baby was it? the elephant's !,0,en
q : why did the banana walk out of the movie theater? a : the film didn't appeal to him .,0,en
So I took a practice test on photons today. It didn't matter,1,en
"q . what do you call a line dancer on a cruise? a . an ocean "" liner """,0,en
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team,1,en
I was trying to think of a joke about friends. But I don't have any,1,en
"what do you say to a broken xbox one? nothing , you already said it twice .",0,en
what goes great with noodles? company !,0,en
"i can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful. in related news , it is warm enough to sleep outside",1,en
"Mother accidentally drove over her newborn, how did she get over it? With the accelerator",0,en
the remote does not go next to the tv. that's the opposite of why you have a remote,1,en
"I'm going to name my daughter Cream. So if someone asks for whipped cream, I'll just bring her downstairs.",0,en
i don't have bad handwriting. i have my own font,0,en
"help , i accidentally threedots build a shelf ?! ? what should i do ?",0,en
"i neither like nor want to date taylor swift, but i know at some point it'll just be my turn .",0,en
"Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.",0,en
"i went to the library and asked if they had any books on kittens. the librarian replied "" no sorry , all of our books are on shelves """,1,en
"men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either .",1,en
What did Medusa call the sheep she turned to stone? Baaaaasalt,0,en
If u stand in the pouring grain. Your gonna get all wheat,0,en
"i saw a sign that said "" falling rocks "" i tried. it doesn't",1,en
Me: I'm going to bed after this episode. Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.,0,en
What do you call a doe that swerves all over the road? A rackless driver...,1,en
"I met a guy who said he could get a great deal on a pillowcase. turns out, it was a sham",0,en
"I had to fire my secretary after she got implants. She used to work for a flat rate, then she demanded I pay her an inflated rate",1,en
"two blind man at a cinema : "" can you see something? "" "" no "" . "" then let's go in front ! """,1,en
Every year the world mannequin challenge comes around... held in Pompeii.,1,en
What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!,1,en
I've nailed my Jesus impression... Down to a T. ,1,en
What is the sun's favourite kind of food? Sol food,0,en
What happen after JFK's assassination? A funeral.,1,en
I own the world only talking dog. but he only talks about outer layers of trees,0,en
My jokes are like a million of dollars... You don't get it...,0,en
Why did the apple go to the gym? To strengthen its core!,0,en
What's the difference between a German and a Scot? The German knows when he's not speaking English.,1,en
Wanna hear my life story? tl;dr...,0,en
"Today at the grocery store, they only had one piece of cheese . . . . . . it was provolone.",1,en
"A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.",1,en
"I'm not Catholic, but I've given up picking my belly button for lint.",1,en
""" update the force, young skywalker "" said adobe wan kenobi .",0,en
"When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn't suspect that I watch Glee",1,en
Can I favorite people's favorites of me? Looking for more affirmation.,0,en
"it took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. though , i really don't know why i was carrying it around in the first place",1,en
What do you call a search for small guitars? Uke hunt!,1,en
Me and my mate once got caught waking in the showers Aperantly we ruined that trip to Aushwic.,1,en
Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor? Their teacher told them not to use tables!,1,en
i saw two construction workers laughing together today. i know what they were building threedots friendship,0,en
I took my girlfriend to the first place we met for our one month anniversary... she loves going to the playground.,0,en
to the woman with the screaming kids in walmart: if you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart threedots you're welcome,0,en
What do you call a compliant volcano? A volcayes.,1,en
At my mom's house. Just asked if we could record Dateline and she said she doesn't have a blank VHS tape and now my left arm is numb,1,en
Why can't a nihilist use a pencil? .... because they cant find the point.,1,en
I wanted to get a tan. So I bought a calculator,1,en
Why was the basketball court wet? Everyone was dribbling on it.,1,en
"She wants to know what I accomplished on my day off, but when I show her she yells at me for not flushing. Marriage is hard",1,en
"i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, "" who is he talking to ? "" then i thought "" who am i talking to ? """,1,en
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.,1,en
I don't think Ariana Grande wants God to be a woman anymore. Now that her ex is meeting them and all.,0,en
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do.,1,en
Did you hear about the Mayweather X Pacquiao fight? The bout was declared a bore.,1,en
"Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don't know.",0,en
How would you summarize Kobe Bryant's career? It was pretty choppy.,1,en
"I think from now on. I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an ""extra smile""",1,en
"doctor says my kid has some form of hereditary adhd he explained it to me, but i didn't really listen .",1,en
"If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.",0,en
why was the surfer such a bad cook? all he could handle was the microwave,1,en
I found a great app to search for Greek restaurants in your neighborhood. It's called Gyroscope,1,en
"today , my friend's coworker made a bukkake joke at a meeting and got away with it. i guess they're covered",1,en
"""Wanna hear a joke? "" I asked my wife... ""I reddit"" she replied.",0,en
What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater? A seehorse.,1,en
What did Hermione's boyfriend do when he heard she was pregnant? He ron off.,0,en
Mountains. They peaked years ago,0,en
"My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today. The MILF shakes brought paramedics to the yard.",1,en
What do you call it when water is poured over a clock? Time dilution.,1,en
I hate dividing fractions. Flipping reciprocals,1,en
"two strangers are introduced "" you have such a lovely name "" "" thanks, i got it for my birthday """,1,en
You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night. I could see it in her eyes,0,en
Why did the dog chase the bulldozer? It doesn't like Cats.,1,en
"i'm currently in a very serious relationship, we don't even smile .",0,en
"people are not mirrors, they see you completely differently than the way you see yourself .",1,en
"What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt? ""O.K. you asked for it"" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.",1,en
"After the news today, I went to a Chinese restaurant and made a special order. Kung Pao",1,en
"i'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place .",0,en
i was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white. looked pretty plane to me,0,en
Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door. Because my wife had the locks changed,1,en
"Don't spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free",1,en
don't mind me the real joke is always in the comments. i'm just waiting for it,1,en
"I just bought my wife some new eyes, a new nose and a new mouth. I can't wait to see her face when she opens them",0,en
"Hey, do you like analogies? I got plenty! I got analogy to rabbits, analogy to grass, analogy to mold...",1,en
Did anyone else think that. Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original,1,en
What's the hardest part about eating a brownie? Having to face her parents at the sentencing.,1,en
"One of Jesus's greatest miracles? He was a carpenter, but He didn't bring it up every time you met Him.",1,en
"When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.",0,en
"the world's full of apathy, but i don't care .",1,en
why couldn't the salad bowl play scrabble? it had run out of lettuce,0,en
Just took an acting class. Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player,1,en
"All the world is a stage, and the only seats I can afford are obstructed view.",0,en
I'm invincible. I can not be Vinced,0,en
"I made a fortune selling HIV testing kits to Africa In reality, it's just a bunch of lollipop sticks with ""Yes"" written on the side of them.",1,en
I miss you like... post your funny ending! let's see what we get...,0,en
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.,0,en
What do you get when you wear wool socks in a tortilla chip factory? Tostitos.,1,en
problem gambling? bet you can't quit .,1,en
time travel! i found a way to time travel but it only works at a rate of one second per second .,0,en
"Five years after the Financial Meltdown, isn't it time to recognize that 'The Financial Meltdown' would be an amazing name for a sandwich?",1,en
What's a hippies favorite animal? An elk. He's got the E. the L. and the K.,1,en
"Mods are gods Mods are gods, be nice to turtles and for the last time, TAKE NAPS.",0,en
Where did the Egyptian go for back pain? The Cairopractor,1,en
why is a good husband like bread dough? because his wife needs him .,1,en
why can't monday get a girlfriend? because it always comes to fast,1,en
What gets better with age? Daddy's belt.,0,en
I'm launching an app that reads out nihilist quotes. It's aimed at a Nietzsche market,1,en
my ex and i would role play from time to time. she would dress up as a teacher and call my mother to tell her that i ate the crayons again,1,en
"money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around",1,en
"A doctor was listening to a teenage girl's heart ""All right,"" he said, ""take big breaths."" ""What? "" she said. ""Big breaths!"" ""Yeth!"" she said. ""And I'm only thixteen!""",1,en
"i was going to join the debating team in high school, but someone talked me out of it .",1,en
"Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan? Come see, come saw",1,en
Question of the day: when was the last time that you saw a music video that was relevant to the actual song?,1,en
How do you say doormat in Spanish? Matador,1,en
Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.,1,en
I went to a seminar on drilling methods yesterday. Boring,0,en
A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work. That's it,1,en
Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.,0,en
What do freezing rain and cake icing have in common? Both are a glaze,1,en
how do you get a man to stop biting his nails? make him wear shoes .,1,en
do you know what the best part of wearing a watch is? time is on your side .,1,en
Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped? An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.,1,en
"Roses are Red, violets are glorious, Never surprise Oscar Pistorius",0,en
"got a new roommate . she cleans my room, i clean hers . we are maid for each other .",1,en
"It's been a brutal heatwave with no respite, but things will finally cool off tomorrow and rain. I can't wait to complain about that",1,en
What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo? a force of habit,1,en
What type pf culture is most peaceful and never gets angry? Nomads!,1,en
"Anyone want to buy a chimney joke? I have a stack of them. In fact, first one is on the house!",0,en
Why did the pirate go to Egypt? He was looking for aRRRRtifacts.,0,en
"An MIT grad, a Harvard alum and a teenager that just got released from juvenile hall are all working at a Starbucks. ...",1,en
What's the difference between a Ford and a tampon? The tampon comes with a tow rope.,1,en
"On the Red Carpet  Reporter: ""Who are you wearing?"" Buffalo Bill: ""I'm so glad you asked.""",1,en
my wife and i decided not to have kids instead we had chicken for dinner,1,en
I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?,1,en
Where do minions shop? Banana Republic,0,en
I played a piano duet with myself. it was a Heart and Soulo,1,en
How do you make an Chocolat omelette? With Easter eggs.,1,en
Why are flowers the best test takers? They have all of the anthers.,1,en
What Da Bull said when He jumped over da Moon... MOOOOO........,0,en
Why did your Computer Mouse die? You fingered it to much on Stereo Madness ,0,en
My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet,1,en
"Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.",1,en
Ahhh... I met a really nice guy the other day. I think he was a chiropractor; every part he touched felt good.,0,en
What do you call an aardvark that plays poker? A cardvark!,1,en
"What sound does a pedantic owl make? Whom, whom. ",1,en
If you've spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop... ...you've waisted thyme.,1,en
A rainbow took an exam. It passed with flying colours,1,en
never own a pet store. stores make bad pets,0,en
What's the difference between empty grocery shelves and the winner of the marathon? One ran out while the other outran.,1,en
why did the composer spend all his time in bed? he wrote sheet music .,1,en
What do you call a Sasquatch that is never on time? Not Yeti,0,en
What's the difference between the mods and a cancer patient? A cancer patient actually works. ,1,en
Why do babies never experience racism? They all look the same after being in a blender,1,en
What do you call a flying turtle? A shellicopter.,1,en
"Everyone's heard of Jonah and the whale, but have you heard about Micah and the T. Rex? Yeah, me neither...",0,en
"I changed my ID to say ""Organ Bonor"" rather than ""Organ Donor"". It's spelled wrong, but I hope it still makes the doctor laugh",1,en
"his palms are sweaty , knees weak , palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already , palms are sweaty",1,en
teacher : didn't you know the bell had gone? fred : i didn't take it miss .,0,en
Did you hear the joke about Elton John? It's a little bit funny.,1,en
"Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes? Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue. Me: No wonder nobody's ever told you...",1,en
Q.What do you get when you cross a Fire Chief two Lotus Notes Gurus? A. FireWeb .... of course!,0,en
My companies biggest customer is the state of Missouri. I guess it's safe to say Missouri loves my company,1,en
What's an English teacher's favourite cereal? Synonym Grahams,0,en
What do you call it when a signal processing firm quickly remodels their entryway? A fast foyer transform!,1,en
It's funny how women change. I never really noticed it until I set up my webcam in Topshop,1,en
Cs go joke How many CS GO silver ranked players does it take to fix a light bulb. None cause they cant climb the ladder ahahahahahaha,0,en
"Just filled a bird bath with ranch dressing so my feathered friends have something to dip worms in. Pay it forward, everybody",0,en
Everyone should listen to talking heads or at least once in a lifetime,1,en
"me : "" i'm thinking about running a marathon again "" her : "" wow , you have ran a marathon before? "" me : "" no , but i have thought about it . """,1,en
"Sugar is the only word in English language in which ""Su"" is pronounced as ""Shu"". I am pretty sure about it",1,en
"People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday ",0,en
My wife is always trying to pick a fight by making fun of my impotence. Well she won't get a rise out of me,0,en
my grandad spent most of the war on the lookout out for german bombers. he was a lifeguard at berlin swimming baths,1,en
What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.,0,en
You've probably heard this joke before. It's hilearious,0,en
One day Eddie Vedder and Bob Dylan got into an argument. nobody knows why,1,en
when is a car no longer a car? when it turns into a driveway,0,en
"Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.",1,en
I didn't study for my Star Wars test. So I'm getting Alderaan answers,1,en
"the waiter came up to my table and said , "" can i take your order? "" i said , "" sure . "" he said , "" thanks , i'm just really hungry . """,1,en
when a couple breaks up never believe her story why? because only history is reliable .,1,en
How is cat food sold? Usually purr can !,1,en
"What's the difference between a woodchuck and a priest? When the woodchuck chucks wood, the wood isn't underage",1,en
I made half a cup of tea the other day. It was so nice I had two,0,en
What do you get when there is an inconsiderate weather phenomena at an EDM concert in Dubai? Darude Sandstorm.,0,en
Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most? The micro wave.,1,en
Why are spectators so happy with their jobs? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder,1,en
actual quote from a kid visiting from china q : do you like it hear in america ? k : yes. q : why ? k : because the sky here is blue,0,en
how many men do you need to defend paris? i have no idea . nobody ever tried .,0,en
Who is the only man to record more knock outs than Mike Tyson? Bill Cosby,1,en
"The stock broker said to his mistress I'm going to put everything I've got into rubber, and if it comes off I'll marry you.",0,en
why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? i don't know . it hadn't really crossed my mind .,1,en
"The older Cameron Diaz gets, the more she and Mickey Rourke look like brothers.",1,en
"When I was a teenager, I tried to throw out all my boardgames. My parents were mad that I was throwing my Life away",1,en
Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead? A. The remote control slips from his hand.,0,en
"did you hear about the mathematician ghost? "" no "" well , its the spirit that counts .",1,en
Wonder why my son doesn't want me to walk him to the bus stop? Maybe I'd better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.,1,en
Sometimes I put sand in my pubes So the crabs feel more at home,1,en
"if you're going to bother google with a search, it is polite to type "" excuse me "" first .",1,en
You know what's funny about Internet Explorer? Punch line buffering...,0,en
I would never get an abortion... Why spend the money when the stairs are free.,0,en
What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure? A defetus,1,en
Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron? Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.,1,en
How do you check the intonation of a guitar underwater? With a tuna.,1,en
why can't java programmers see well? because of the eclipse,1,en
My cow saves every scrap of usable material. He's recyclebull,0,en
What do you call a male robot that likes to dress up in women's clothing? A transistor.,1,en
Borrowing money to friends is like giving gold on reddit You will probably never get it back.,0,en
Did you hear the joke about the bees? Its a bit long to tell you now but I asure you it was very honey!,0,en
Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch. My mum said there'd be days like this but she never said there'd be so many,0,en
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved,1,en
"Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him ""a promising Rookie""",1,en
what did the lumberjack say when his colleague went home sick? hope you fell better tomorrow .,0,en
"Using double negatives results in the meaning being positive. So, should using double positives should give a negative meaning? Yeah right.",1,en
my mate recently lost all of his fingers in a horrible accident. i can't even begin to imagine how he feels,1,en
"i'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. they just hold it in , and it comes out as drama",1,en
"my imagination ran away with me, but we're both out of shape and didn't get very far .",1,en
On went on a cruise last week and fell into... the Aft hole. I was stuck in that aft hole for two weeks. Source: Impractical Jokers,0,en
til why it is called a brazilian wax. because they cut down the forrest,1,en
what does facebook and a conversation between two teenagers have in common? a lot of likes,1,en
"If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, ""Nature photographs. "" Thanks",0,en
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.,0,en
"What would you get if Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson all died in a plane crash? Take your time, there's no Rush...",0,en
"what did gandhi fight for? nothing , he was against violence .",1,en
Why doesn't anyone like jelly donuts? They have fillings too...,0,en
"My grandfather came back from the war... ...with a single arm. To this day, we still have no idea whose it is",1,en
"sarcasm so good, they think you're being nice .",1,en
What kind of trucks do pigs drive? ..... A pig up truck,1,en
what did the emo say to the dull razor? Sorry old friend... You just won't cut it,0,en
my grandma got me a gift card to walmart for my birthday. she told me not to spend it all in one place,0,en
"I made a playlist for my adopted son. Next time I'll probably leave out ""Give It Away"" by Red Hot Chili Peppers.",1,en
what happens when you eat fireworks? your hair comes out in bangs .,1,en
When does a dyslexic person know they've bought the wrong SUV? When they're in Denali.,1,en
"i was having trouble with my phone threedots so i took it to the phone store , and let me tell you! the service was great in there",0,en
"I'm starting a new sport where people race on sea horses. I call it, ""Aquastrianism.""",1,en
How can you tell when a bicycist comes to a complete stop? He puts his foot down.,1,en
How much rainfall does africa get per year depends how much was donated to WaterAid,1,en
"I thought about starting a support group for pessimists... ...but why bother, it's not like it'd make any difference anyway...",1,en
What's the difference between dog food and a hot dog? I have no idea...,0,en
Boss: Where were you born? Santa : India. Boss: which part? Santa : What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India,0,en
never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. they will always beat you,1,en
"If people were as passionate about world affairs as they are about their opinions on tattoos, we'd be on WWVIII by now.",1,en
"forget hydrogen, you're my number one element .",0,en
Played my mixtape at the Notre Dame Cathedral I hear it was pretty fire.,1,en
What's the difference between a turkey sandwich and a ham sandwich? A turkey sandwich doesn't recognize the Armenian genocide,1,en
"do seagulls ever wake up in the morning and take a moment to gather their thoughts, or do they just go straight into seagull stuff ?",1,en
how does kylo ren talk on the phone? a hans free device,0,en
Where does a woman go shopping after having triplets? Big Box Store.,1,en
What do you call an easy lifestyle revolving around eating Chinese food? Lo Meintenance,1,en
I guess you could say Stephen Paddock was the star of the show. He really lit up the whole concert ,0,en
where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. said no girl ever,0,en
I want to sleep my way to the top but like in a bed just sleeping. Then I wake up and BAM I'm on top,0,en
"one of my last days in town and my girlfriend asks me what i want to do , and i say we could just sit around. she says what will we sit around ?",1,en
How was the bird able to pass his math test? He was winging it.,1,en
i'm no different than any other bachelor. i put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend,1,en
Oh no! The universe just imploded itself...... ...... No matter.,0,en
"q : what is blue , green , red , yellow , purple , orange , black , brown , and gray? a : a box of crayons .",0,en
Have you heard about the missing girl? Me neither,1,en
"The collective noun for kangaroos is a ""troop"". What is the collective noun for cars? A lot.",1,en
what's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane? if you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor,1,en
"i recently got a job in the fast food industry, changed my name to fedora everyone tips fedora !",0,en
Keystroke. not as sexy as it sounds,0,en
How could you tell the baker was impotent? He couldn't rise to the occasion,1,en
"Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say ""Hey! Sorry I'm late.""",1,en
"I was Hungary... ...So I Russia down the stairs, made a Turkey sandwich and had a chocolate Malta for dessert.",0,en
"The beta version of a video game is a lot like the regular version, except it has low self esteem and is afraid to talk to women.",1,en
"i'm texting random phone numbers with "" i just saw your facebook status. lol "" !",0,en
"I once heard a story of a man who played Destiny, trying to get the greatest boots of all time, named The Dubstep Grieves. He died waiting for the drop",0,en
"Whenever I shake someone's hand as I meet them and they say ""The pleasure's all mine. "" I quickly look to see where their other hand is",1,en
"A book never written: ""Secret Societies"" by E. Lumin Audi",1,en
"What is the fastest way to die? Oh sorry, I meant to google it.",0,en
Second best gaming joke ever. Buy the DLC to find out,0,en
We found the written confession of the arsonist and busted him right before he lit his last fire Everything ended on a lighter note.,1,en
"What does the sign on an out of business cathouse say? Beat it, we're closed!",0,en
"what did the pastry chef say to his apprentice? "" know your roll ! """,1,en
what type of fruit can you not eat just one of? a pair !,0,en
What's the difference between a virtual car and a real one? You can't steal a real car a few bits at a time,0,en
How do you cheer up a brand new battery? Remind him that he's full of untapped potential!,0,en
What does a robot do after a one night stand? Nuts and bolts!,0,en
"Who's the biggest player in the Hundred Acre Wood? Eeyore, he's always chasing that tail.",0,en
What's the difference between China and a guy posting jokes on the internet? One gets away with copying. ,1,en
i love heavy metal. my favourite is lead,1,en
A woman asked me for a German method of coal extraction. And mein shaft she got,1,en
I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....,0,en
"If you were stranded on a deserted island, what's one thing you'd bring with you? A boat.",0,en
"what do you say when somebody cuts in front of you in line for vietnamese noodles? hey , pho queue , dude",1,en
exit signs. they are on their way out,1,en
where do psychics go to dance? the crystal ball,1,en
i have a phone interview tomorrow. what are some good questions to ask a phone ?,0,en
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? A: About fifty pounds.,0,en
"I get about your body being a temple but... right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I'm all about fun.",0,en
"do you know the difference between camping and molestation ? no ? in that case, do you want to go camping this weekend ?",1,en
me : what's one thing you don't like about your girlfriend ? him : she doesn't swallow. me : what ? how does she eat ?,0,en
how did helen keller meet her husband? on a blind date !,0,en
What do you call a line of iron cats? A Feline...,1,en
My therapist asked me to list my good qualities: nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.,0,en
Lightbulbs do not make good meals. But they're good for a light snack.,1,en
inflation: being broke with a lot of money in your pocket .,1,en
Just heard this on a PBS kids show... What did one wolf say to the other wolf? Howls it going,0,en
You know that theory about no two people see colors exactly the same way..? .. surely it's a pigment of their imagination.,1,en
What's similar between a door and this post Both get locked quickly,0,en
I don't understand why phones cannot take videos with the front and the back camera simultaneously. That would be so awesome for school shootings. ,1,en
"i don't even like sleep, it's just the only way i can eat spiders",1,en
What is the collective noun for children? A migraine.,1,en
"Hey, have you heard about.... A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.",1,en
What is a toad's favorite genre of music? Hip hop.,1,en
what is christopher reeves ' favorite band? the talking heads,0,en
Why did the Buddhist photographer fail at taking pictures? Bad cam'ra,1,en
Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft? At parking meteors.,1,en
"who said nothing is impossible, i have been here doing nothing for the last hour .",0,en
what do you call it when a prayer is answered? a coincidence .,1,en
"what's a nickname for a procrastinator? come on , this is reddit . what's your nickname",0,en
Q: What do termites eat for breakfast? A: Oakmeal.,0,en
"An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No, he said. Arthritis.",1,en
why did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? it wasn't going over too well .,1,en
Procrastination is a good trait to have Provided one is suicidal,1,en
Why is the Ocean blue? Because the fish go blublublu.,0,en
"i did not fall flat on my face. i was testing gravity , and just so you know , it still works",0,en
Why do we never run out of math teachers? Because they are always multiplying.,1,en
"This Chinese invasion is kinda ironic I mean the subredit is called ""dark jokes""",1,en
My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face. I wear contacts,1,en
"When people ask if the carpet matches the drapes, I say it's all hardwood, baby. Or maybe laminate? I'll put you in touch with my designer.",1,en
How do you know your cookies are don baking in the car? When the child stops screaming,0,en
"You know how they say ""if you snooze you lose"". I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it",1,en
I saw a snail driving in a car with a big s on it. It was amazing to see that escargot,0,en
never trust trees. they're shady,0,en
What do you call a pompous piece of bread? A braguette.,1,en
"a man wanted to join the peeing club he went up to the club owner and asked "" can i join? "" to which he replied , "" you're in . """,1,en
Can i have downvotes I want to be able to relate to the mods,1,en
I watched a documentary about autism last night. Been a while since I've felt so good about myself.,1,en
"If the automated voice tells me they're experiencing ""higher than normal call volume"" every time I call, that is the normal call volume.",1,en
Q: How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot? A: Perky.,0,en
"My CW just barked. Ok, it may have been a burp, but I'd like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked",0,en
What's a divorce attorney's favorite dessert? Wedding cake,0,en
"A man's wife died. friend asked what happend He said, she fell out from windows; as she was not drinking the poison",1,en
Look at that bald man over there. It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears,1,en
how does the hulk make money? he flips houses .,1,en
what do you call a guy who plays the guitar unplugged? an amputee,1,en
What brand of butter do frogs eat? Country Croak.,1,en
I dated a woman that was really vocal in the bedroom. Eventually I had to buy a better muffler.,1,en
What does a wealthy cloud do? Make it rain,1,en
"As a real estate agent, the first thing I look forward to every morning, is a warm cup.. ..of proper tea.",1,en
"If getting proper sleep the night before was a necessity for writing an exam, then I'd fail every single time.",1,en
How many copies can you make of a page without a copying machine? Xero.,0,en
How does Jared like to play his flute? In A minor.,1,en
Why was the origami master so bad at poker? Because they folded every hand.,1,en
what's the difference between a dutch oven and a german one? the type of gas used .,1,en
What world athletic sporting event is held every four years? The Olympigs!,1,en
Which book has the worst cliffhanger? Anne Frank's Diary,0,en
Some friends of mine recently lost their baby. They swore to never dress him in camouflage again if he turns up,0,en
What did Voltaire eat for Thanksgiving? Candide yams,1,en
What does an electrician say while meditating? Ohm... Ohm...,1,en
"it's not a great nap, unless you wake up and can't remember what day it is .",0,en
What do they call brassieres in Germany? Holdzemfromfloppen,1,en
Don't you guys think that Team America: World Police predicted the terrorist attack in france?,0,en
When the ex asks to be friends. it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it,1,en
"couldn't afford a butterfly knife , so i got a caterpillar one. now , i wait",0,en
Is John Cena my dad? Because I can't see him,0,en
cop : freeze! excel : lol no problem,0,en
how do you find king arthur in the dark? with a knight light threedots,0,en
They say we should always help others That's why I helped the Emo kid tie the rope,1,en
god only gives you what you can handle . really? because i'm pretty sure i could handle way more money .,0,en
i lost my phone and it's on silent . man! i should've listened to beyonce .,0,en
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.,1,en
"if you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut .",0,en
how to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime,0,en
"Was gonna' make a long joke about gastrointestinal problems but, I digest.",0,en
Did you hear about the dog that saved his owners life who was having a heart attack? It was a heart warning story,1,en
"Dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen. The four stages of Bruce Jenner",0,en
What's a Greek's favorite color of sky? Golden Dawn,0,en
What song do burgers sing on the job? Gristle While You Work!,1,en
"This guy came up to me and said he needed a glass of water but his pants were on fire so, he probably was lying about needing it.",1,en
"I used to know the Orlando shooter We weren't really close, but I could tell the guy wasn't a real straight shooter.",1,en
"baby talk is confusing, desperate to find out if the baby was in pain i had to do it i had to threedots threedots google gaga .",0,en
"A joke I thought of: I don't know if fo' sho' means ""for short"" or ""for shore"", but I like to think that people are being overly nautical.",1,en
Do you know what they call a pyramid with windows? A tomb with a view.,1,en
Did you hear about the college for dolphins? It was for educational porpoises only.,1,en
I'm Hungary I'm Russian to the kitchen to czech the fridge There is turkey But it's covered in Greece There's Norway I can eat that. Edit:spelling,0,en
"literal people anonymous welcome to literal people anonymous , would everyone please take a seat . no , wait! bring those chairs back",0,en
"When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say ""RIP"" because I don't wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba",1,en
What do you call a knight who cheats on tests? Glancelot,1,en
What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug !,0,en
Husband: Honey I bought the new Gold Olympic Condoms. Wfie: Why not Silver and come second for a change,0,en
Do her by the ocean. Beaches love crabs,1,en
what a time to be alive! right now .,0,en
what has eight legs and an iq of forty? four guys watching a baseball game .,1,en
"Why is a raven like a writing desk? Because there is a ""b"" in both and an 'n' in neither.",1,en
"As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.",1,en
"How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal? handsfree",1,en
you're like a prize winning fish. i don't know whether to eat you or mount you,1,en
They say you are what you eat. But I don't remember eating a legend,1,en
"A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day. After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him",1,en
"So Dolly Parton bought the supermarket franchises Big Lots, Harris Teeters, and Piggly Wiggly. She's calling it Big Wiggly Teeters",1,en
"""You have split personality!"" ""No, I don't have, the other guy has!""",0,en
"What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.",1,en
"for weeks i thought my neighbor was keeping his car under one of those car covers. as it turns out , it was just his old car's ghost",1,en
"Flat earth theory destroyed The earth is so thicc, it has seven c's",1,en
"The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it.",1,en
"I asked my girl to take off her bra, Her response was, I don't wear one yet. I nutted.",0,en
Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!,0,en
what did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? i literally can't even write now,0,en
"Two atoms One atom says to the other, ""you're a weird dude. You know that? "" The other atom responds ""hey man, we all have some quarks.""",1,en
Why did Snoop Dogg go to Germany? For Schnitzel.,0,en
Good snipers play video games. The best snipers play against presidents.,1,en
"When a bite of food falls off your plate... And you just stare at it on the ground like, ""We could've made each other happy...""",1,en
"My school janitor came in rushing and screamed, ""FIRE! EVERYBODY RUN"" He is the best gun trainer ever!",1,en
i love jokes about video games. they work on so many levels,1,en
"For a second I thought this cookie had raisins in it, but luckily they're just spider egg sacs.",1,en
What did daddy spider complain to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.,0,en
Green day is playing on the only two alternative rock stations in my neighborhood. There is no alternative,1,en
"facebook has a link to "" report a problem "" so i wrote "" i'm not very close with my father. "" now we wait i guess",1,en
Two termites go on a date.. Waiter: what would you like to order sir? Termite: Table for two.,1,en
"My girlfriend broke up with me. When she did, I gave her a note that said ""Great Job! "" I wanted things to end on a positive note.",1,en
"i couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy until someone helped me think it through. turns out , two heads are better than one",1,en
What do you call using Tinder while you are in the bathroom? A swipe and wipe.,1,en
"At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.",1,en
when should you charge a battery? when you can't pay cash .,0,en
Why are gametes used in big marketing campaigns? Because sex cells,1,en
whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks was so wrong. i taught mine how to play dead and she's been doing it for a year straight,0,en
"Historically speaking, tanning under the sun first began in France during the bronzage.",1,en
"'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' is good advice for any best man.",0,en
"a plant fell on my head threedots i'm alright though, it was no big dill .",0,en
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!,0,en
"Why was the pregnant woman screaming ""wouldn't, shouldn't, couldn't!""? She was having contractions.",1,en
why didn't lebron go to college? he didn't want to show up for the finals,1,en
"Before scientists discovered. Before scientists discovered that the ""I before E except after C"" rule wasn't universal, they were called sceintists",1,en
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread. Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around,1,en
"when people say "" may i ask who's calling? "" i like to say "" sure , go ahead . """,1,en
Q: What holds the moon up? A: Moonbeams.,0,en
Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever,0,en
A second child fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla enclosure. Luckily the kid escaped and the gorillas were unHarambed,1,en
Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final,1,en
I love raising caterpillars as pets. It always gives me butterflies,1,en
"If Bruce Wayne was Jewish, would he have had a bar mitzvah or a bat mitzvah?",0,en
"Would headphones get tangled in space? no, they would knot",0,en
"a lion stalks a fawn a man steps out from behind tree I'm Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?",0,en
Why is Unidan's current account called UnidanX? It's his tenth alt account.,0,en
"Even in the darkest moments there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, but yours will probably be an oncoming freight train.",0,en
what's the most dangerous animal in alaska? sarah palin,0,en
The cores of my CPU always fight to excel against each other. I have a duel core processor.,1,en
Whats similar about my fridge and my wife? They both work in the kitchen and when i want a new one they get thrown on the street. ,0,en
Love is strong But a car is stronger,0,en
What's the most googled word in Mozilla Firefox? Chrome.,0,en
did you hear about the jew and the scotsman who spent the night together? apparently that's all they spent .,1,en
"Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? I used to like tractors, but I don't anymore.",1,en
"I phoned a Chinese restaurant. A guy answered and said ""Hello, I'm Wang King the chef"" I said ""Don't worry, l'll call back later when you're not busy """,1,en
"It's warmer now, but I'm colder than when it was colder.",0,en
what do ghosts dress up as for halloween? as john cena because you can't see them .,0,en
What did the winner of the weak muscles competition get? Atrophy.,1,en
"sheep: ""why do we all look the same? "" other sheep: ""it freaks me out tbh"" another sheep: ""i dont even know which one of us is me""",1,en
"dates are like golf strokes the fewer it takes for you to score, the better your game .",0,en
Why did the proctologist get so depressed after he retired? Because he didn't feel hole anymore.,1,en
"Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you...",0,en
What is a Siths favorite thing to ride in? An elevader.,1,en
"In Thailand, if she has an apple She has a banana",1,en
why doesn't the sun pack it's bags? because it's traveling light !,0,en
What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbeldon? tenish.,0,en
"why did the nuke switch course? because a girl on the ground said "" i have a boyfriend "" later that day the nuke fell into depression",1,en
Did you hear about that car company having to shut down? It was a saab story.,1,en
Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy,0,en
How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!,1,en
what is the opposite of paranoia? thinking you are following someone .,1,en
"in bed, women commonly mistake me for usain bolt because i always come first .",1,en
What game does muslim plays the best ? Bomberman,1,en
I once went to a Japanese Tea ceremony. It was steeped in tradition,1,en
My professor asked me to give an example of a word whose definition got reversed. I literally had no answer,1,en
"What's the difference between the movie ""Dodgeball"" and real dodgeball? Nobody in the movie was bullied and eventually killed themselves",1,en
Reddit servers. Sorry if repost,0,en
Whats the last letter in the alphabet? somebody help plz I need help on kindergarten project,0,en
Recently two twins died in my neighborhood. time to find out what's it like to have threesome.,0,en
"i just explained google to my granny . "" pick anything to search for "" i told her . "" what about a nice cream pie? "" she asked . "" except that . "" i replied .",1,en
how many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? only one if you run him through slowly !,0,en
In what state does the Missouri river flow? Liquid!,1,en
"dear lol , thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. sincerely , i have nothing else to say",0,en
"Frederick Fox, hatmaker for the British Royalty, died today. He was one in a milliner",1,en
"There was an Italian, an English and a French... Oops, sorry, the English is not there anymore.",0,en
how do you make a flea circus? from scratch .,0,en
"i'm working out again in hopes that i can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, "" batman really let himself go "" .",1,en
"i suffer from paranoia and procrastination. everyone is out to get me , just not right now",1,en
The difference between an African child and this post? This post will stay for longer,0,en
Gaining Weight? ...It's a piece of cake!,0,en
What did Euler see in the toilet? Natural log,1,en
Somebody said that I should read a reddit post. I reddit.,0,en
"why are you supposed to boil water when a woman gives birth? incase it is stillborn, then you can make stew",1,en
"Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.",1,en
I like my TVs like I like my women. Smart and curved,0,en
A lot of people tell me that I'm funny. So I guess it's a good thing that looks aren't everything,1,en
"Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words",0,en
My uncle Died after having a stroke. right as he came he had a heart attack,0,en
"""Why don't you cool it on the dressmaking, "" I suggested to my wife. ""You seamstressed.""",1,en
Where do you get frog's eggs? The spawn shop.,0,en
What is something you can only learn by going to church? Holy water is actually white,1,en
"Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears? Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.",1,en
"I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.",1,en
My wife began to address the elephant in the room. I asked her why she was talking to herself.,1,en
why wouldn't the bird let her chicks go near the pig pen? she didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet .,1,en
Why was King Arthur's army so tired? It had too many sleepless knights.,0,en
In China... ...Wai Tu Young is just a name.,1,en
"Why do I have migraines? Well I can't have yourgraines, now can I",0,en
"explained to my client that he shouldn't put "" urgent "" in the subject line of every email he sends. he now sends some as "" urgent urgent """,1,en
So the doctor said that the avengers are visiting me today How exciting. Then the doctor said that Stan lee will visit me tomorrow ,1,en
What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae,0,en
Why do people paint eggs for Easter? Bunnies squirm too much.,1,en
Why did the Catholic church decide to abandon science? Light stopped having mass,1,en
"I just got a haircut, but I'm not sure I like it. When I stood up from the barber's chair, I felt extremely lightheaded",1,en
What do you call an unused piano? A keybored,1,en
"Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie. One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!",1,en
one old song. a thousand old memories,0,en
"another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car",1,en
"I'm an optimistic pessimist. I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills",1,en
Everyone knows foot massager is new name for an old thing Back in my days we used to call them servants,1,en
I heard about this firework factory in Lebanon The customers were blown away,1,en
"rule of thumb: if the picture you took of someone doesn't look like the pictures they post of themselves , don't tag them !",0,en
"if tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world .",1,en
What do you do when a camcer girl asks you to pull her hair? Isn't that what plungers are for?,1,en
apple's latest phone is going to be a hit. it's the iphone success,1,en
"What is Blair Walsh's favorite song? I have no idea honestly, you would have to ask him",0,en
q : what do you call a running chicken? a : poultry in motion .,0,en
"i want my tombstone to read: don't feel too bad , he really liked sleeping",0,en
What's the fastest way to send a rabbit? Haremail.,0,en
What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table.,1,en
where can you find a mormon horse? salt lick city .,0,en
"Newsreader: ""And now Tom with the weather."" Weatherman: ""It's Tim, actually."" Newsreader: ""Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.""",1,en
"English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships? AMB. It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'",1,en
how do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever? you stop feeding it .,0,en
what is successful but always beat? rihanna,0,en
Why is Virginia Tech so bad at basketball? They lost their best shooter. ,1,en
So I studied abroad in college. She never called me back though,1,en
"reminder that Pop Secret was initially very poorly translated in Japan, where it was called ""Deceptions of the Father""",1,en
they told me i had to move to northern canada. i said i want none of it,1,en
"What do you say to a depressed calendar salesman? Take it one day at a time, buddy.",1,en
"Roses are red, Violets put on a shelf Jeffery Epstein did not kill himself.",0,en
"If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?",1,en
"her : describe your ideal date . me : i'd order an extra large pizza . her : interesting . what would i be wearing? me : oh , you'd be there , too",0,en
"""A Vegan...like Mr. Spock? "" ""No mom...that's a Vulcan.""",0,en
Title What's the difference between ,0,en
What do you call a canine that lives at the beach? A hot dog.,1,en
"You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. it's how you apply the force",1,en
She lived in a houseboat  Swans listened to her rock and roll,1,en
Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? A: She wanted to rock and roll,0,en
"One day, reddit's admin talked to mods",0,en
Heard a news story about a village in Africa where everyone's dying of thirst. I sent them a Get Well Soon card,0,en
the statement below is true. the statement above is false,1,en
What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery? Only one cannoli.,1,en
"why did the chemist never say "" no "" to anything? because the reaction could be explosive .",1,en
"saw an ad for a used battery in the paper today: "" slightly rusty , in need of repair but has potential """,1,en
Whose excercises will ensure that you will never win a fitness award? Leonardo Di Cardio,1,en
Why are married Arabian men poor? Property tax.,1,en
What do you call someone with an extra chromosome swimming in the pool?  Posidown ,0,en
how do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower? you give her a shovel and tell her to get to work .,0,en
did you hear about the upcoming play based on the life of elton john? it's a little bit funny .,1,en
"think about it! you're already thinking about it , you might as well do it .",0,en
Ladies when I say I got balls of steel It doesn't mean you got to have an iron grip.,1,en
Tarzan's Marriage Why didn't Tarzan and Jane manage to save their marriage? Because Tarzan was swingin' from three to three.,1,en
James calls a doc for help... Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now. Doctor: Is this her first child? James: Nope. It's her husband!,0,en
If veggietales was a show about people Would it just be about hospitals?,1,en
When I was a kid my older brother dared me to take a bite of a Monopoly board. It was a little gamey,1,en
have you heard neil diamonds new christmas song? i can't recall the lyrics but i remember it had a sweet carol line,0,en
Did you hear about the military officer who ended up on Dateline NBC? Turns out the Major was more into minors.,1,en
"Radio from an American boat: Mayday, mayday. We are sinking! Radio back from a German rescue ship: What are you sinking about?",0,en
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated. go figure,0,en
"My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant's. When I'm in a bad mood, I'll take reservations",1,en
"Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.",1,en
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home,0,en
"I was going to write a corona joke.  But, you wouldn't laugh.",0,en
How did the blind carpenter regain his eyesight? He picked up his hammer and saw.,1,en
"""But what can we do for the people who love our crowds but hate the rides? "" And with that question The Disney Cruise was born.",1,en
"What is skeleton? Interviewer:what is skeleton? Sardar:Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!",1,en
"I was asked by my friends to state the difference between a stripper and a step sister I said ""There isn't any""",1,en
What do you call the game that centres around weak leadership? Reddit.,0,en
what's the difference between karate and judo? karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of .,1,en
"My friend died from eating too much waterfowl I thought he had lived a good, happy life He told me that he was full of Egrets",1,en
"I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. Back to having zero haters, feels good.",0,en
"there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one i'd like to catch and mount back home",0,en
my favorite jokes are ones about pavlov. i always laugh at them without even thinking about it !,1,en
"' i ' before ' e ', except after ' c ' weird .",0,en
"What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband? Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.",0,en
"Because we love Adel.. Why did my computer just say hello? Oh, that's right. It's A Dell.",0,en
"Tell me your local jokes! Why does the Clyde run through Glasgow? Because if it walked, it'd get jumped!",0,en
Three French cats were sailing. There was a hole in the boat and un deux trois quatre cinq,1,en
What's left of a garden after it catches on fire? Chard remains.,1,en
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl's keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing,0,en
Where would you find an algebraic Sailors hat? Indice,0,en
What happens when you throw a white hat into the Black Sea? The hat can't comment,1,en
What do you call a watchful potato? A spectater.,1,en
"although it may be true that i don't have a lot of friends, i do however have a significant amount of strangers that don't bother me .",1,en
how can you tell if someone is having a stroke? there is lotion and used tissues laying around,1,en
"Did you hear Prince's sister is inheriting his estate? There's just one problem... She's just like their mother, so she's never satisfied.",0,en
How do you make a vegetable toast? One wire goes to the left and one to the right wheel. ,1,en
q : why do scientists look for things twice? a : because they research everything .,0,en
What is Katara's favorite dessert? Meringue,0,en
Why did Verizon's mailman get fired? He was losing packets.,0,en
"My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether to keep it. I told her to sleep on it",1,en
Who's the top selling author in Russia? Salman Rush B,0,en
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner. You become the vacuum cleaner.,1,en
I had a heated argument with my wife last night. Apparently leaving the water heater on got me in hot water,1,en
why won't you read this joke? cause you've already reddit !,0,en
do they have the fourth of july in the uk? of course it comes after the third and before the fifth of july,1,en
"Bread and Mayo were doomed from the start... He just lay around being kneedy, while she was spread too thin trying to keep it all together.",0,en
So it's Diwali in India Guess people aren't the only thing being lit up today. ,1,en
Dating is like doing the laundry You gotta separate the darks and lights. ,1,en
What do you say to a family who has just experienced death of a family member due to anorexia? Sorry for the loss.,0,en
"who has the better search engine : yahoo , google , or microsoft? i dunno . let's google it !",0,en
What did the hamburgers say to the butcher who acted on a TV show? Welcome back Cutter!,0,en
why can't albert einstein drive? because he never learned .,0,en
If you are a savvy stock market investor then you should invest in Walmart right now I hear their stocks are really shooting up,1,en
He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.,0,en
had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper,0,en
Girlfriend went to the neurologist to get a brain scan yesterday. Nothing showed up,1,en
Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless? it's Kanye West.,0,en
How did the tree get on to Reddit? It just logged on...,0,en
subway: when you pay to eat fresh just like jared,0,en
"When my wife is snoring, I always wake her to tell her how many likes the video of it I put on Facebook is getting",1,en
"I've realized that women don't necessarily care what I have to say, they just want to hear what they have to say repeated in a deeper voice.",1,en
Why did you get a tattoo? Because tatthrees were too expensive.,0,en
your itunes is working just fine. would you like to update it ?,0,en
"A statistician has half his body encased in ice and the other half engulfed in flames. So on average, they felt fine",1,en
What do you call a dead flamingo Flamingone,1,en
did you hear helen keller was an atheist? i guess she never saw the light .,1,en
"at my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours .",1,en
how long does guacamole last in the fridge? please say a year .,0,en
how do you save a suicidal procrastinator? tell them it can probably wait ' til tomorrow .,0,en
"I watched pom. You misread that, didn't you?",1,en
"I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope.",0,en
"Chuck Norris was bitten by a snake After several day of agonising pain, the snake finally died.",0,en
did you hear about the new fruit powered motor? it runs on apples but it still mangoes,1,en
how do you end a relationship fight? you break it up .,0,en
why did the dog go into the church? the doors were open .,1,en
how do you make a rabbit fast? don't feed it .,0,en
"What's the paradox of 'lingerie'? Done right, it doesn't linger.",1,en
"men? on the whole , i'd rather buy new batteries .",1,en
When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.,1,en
Q: Why don't dogs get married? A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!,0,en
What's M. Night Shyamalan's favorite flavor of ice cream? Twist,0,en
what is a chefs weapon of choice? a salt rifle,1,en
"Whats does dissecting a frog and explaining a joke have in common? Sure, you know how it works, but now it's dead.",1,en
"Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with ""Kodak""? Nicki Minaj: ""Kodak"", duh... Pitbull: Thanks!",1,en
if you receive a mason jar at no cost. does that make it a freemason jar,1,en
"In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.",1,en
Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives,0,en
What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa? He left the reigns down in Africa. ,1,en
numbers don't lie but they don't tell the truth either. they're numbers,1,en
Why couldn't I run the Compressed File? I was missing the important Bits.,0,en
Do I want Internet Explorer to remember my password? Do you want a wild raccoon to babysit your family,0,en
What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer? Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...,1,en
"What starts with ""W"" and ends with ""ife""? Nevermind, this riddle is too easy.",1,en
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff,0,en
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare,1,en
Finding a good date is like looking for a parking spot. all the good ones are taking and the rest are handicapped,1,en
"""What should we name this fruit? "" ""Passion!"" ""..."" ""..."" ""Let's not let Todd name any more fruits.""",0,en
One for the ides of March: Where did Julius Caesar take his rugs for stain removal? Carpet Diem,1,en
How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus? It was a no brainer.,1,en
Why are cigars unhealthier than cigarettes? Because they're fatter.,1,en
"If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?",0,en
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants,1,en
Why should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.,0,en
"""Do people really become like their pets? "" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.",1,en
What do you get when you push your sister off of never ending stairs Happiness,0,en
"Two avocados were crossing the road... .. One got hit by a truck so the other one said: Come on, guacamole, catch up!",1,en
Volkswagen just introduced a new electric car. It's called the Volts Wagon,1,en
We're in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn't looked down yet,0,en
"Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.",1,en
How many lemons grow on a tree? All of them.,1,en
why did the computer science student drop out? he just couldn't hack it .,0,en
what do beef hearts smell like? honey .,1,en
I guess you could say the suicide rates have Plummeted,1,en
"Role playing is fun, but I'm starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.",1,en
"My uncle died after falling out of a helicopter.. ..so at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a parachute. Well, it's what he would have wanted.",1,en
how do you get a hotdog to dance? you put mustard on the beat,1,en
"i always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice .",1,en
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow,0,en
What's a Parkinson patients favorite website? Twitch ,0,en
My girlfriend is great in bed. But I don't know how my best friend would know that,1,en
What's the favorite land of a shooter in Disney World? Parkland!,0,en
The Detective Who was the first electricity detective? Sherlock Ohms,0,en
Why do children cry a lot? because they're in pain.,1,en
I have two classes today. I have a math class in the morning... ...and the rest is history.,1,en
What is a very moving gift that you can give to a scientist? Joules,0,en
What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other? Purranks.,1,en
why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive? because they don't come with a manual,1,en
"Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, It is",1,en
A tree walks into a bar. The bartender asks him to leave,1,en
Why is Steve still happy after a break up Coz the stingray already broke his heart.,0,en
save the date! someone is trying to ruin it by having a wedding .,0,en
"nothing is too good for my girlfriend on valentines day threedots i tried to get her nothing, but she was too good for that .",0,en
"a celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized .",1,en
I got some bed risers last night. I'm moving up in this world..,0,en
why did the mosquito go to the dentist? to improve his bite !,0,en
"Growing up, my father had a really bad side and a really good side. Oh course, this was all after the stroke.",0,en
"""Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest"": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day",0,en
My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term. It's textbook economics,1,en
Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are,1,en
Did you know Garfield the cat used to be a hip hop artist? Word is he used to rap with OdieB,1,en
"A photon both raises his hand and shouts ""Goodbye! "" It's a wave and a parting call.",1,en
i got a new german cell phone i put it on airplane mode. it locked me out and then crashed,0,en
why did the electrician close early on mondays? because business was very light .,1,en
I met this guy who said he was a Mir Space Station cosmonaut. But I thought it was quite an achievement,1,en
My wife asked if I wanted to eat some of the chicken on the barbecue. I told her that a chair would probably suffice,1,en
what did my wife say to me? i want a divorce,1,en
"before you pride yourself on being a big fish, make sure you're not swimming in a puddle .",0,en
What's worse than being involved in a mass shooting? Having to endure a country music festival beforehand.,1,en
i just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. i wonder what happened to her phone ?,0,en
I'm having a Weinstein Company movie marathon. Does anybody want to come? I know Harvey is definitely coming,1,en
"did you know that if everyone in the u.s . donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the statue of liberty and be hella cool ?",0,en
An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise. She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter,1,en
"Color time Yellow, brown or red? ",1,en
i was fired after falling asleep on personal documents. apparently you can't lie on your resume,1,en
Katie Price has called her baby Bunny. Nice bit of meat to go with the vegetable that she already has,0,en
"we will always be important enough to fit into someone's motive. however , that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around",1,en
"great . only a single slice of bread left in the bag . that means until i find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich",1,en
Breakfast musings. A boiled egg is hard to beat,1,en
A squirrel found big nuts to stock up in its tree. Now i have a empty nutsack and a burning tree,1,en
"It's so flat. It's so flat in North Dakota, you can watch your dog run away for two weeks",0,en
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot.... I told him that was a blanket statement.,0,en
when does a pear become a pair? when one appears .,1,en
Did you hear about the outbreak of Urinary Tract Infections at the University of Texas? It's odd they couldn't see the issue with all those UTI's,1,en
twitter. where people you don't know are better friends than your real friends,0,en
Have you heard the latest Unitarian Universalist miracle? Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.,1,en
what do you call an aardvark that's just won a fight? a well ' aardvark !,0,en
why are frogs always so happy? because they eat whatever bugs them .,1,en
what do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor? matt .,1,en
me : i wouldn't miss it for the world. friend : it was yesterday,0,en
what is the only difference between this year and last year? a building in dubai .,0,en
What do you call a short bus full of kids? A salad.,1,en
"How do you host an amnesia support group on a budget? The moment they show up, tell them the meeting went great and their speech was inspiring.",1,en
If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning. Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it,1,en
"I keep getting scolded for things I didn't do! ""What didn't you do? "" ""My homework""",1,en
What do you get when you kiss a canary? Chirpes. It can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.,0,en
I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth,1,en
"You know what's wild, a person can die from complications from Alzheimer's. Even Wilder, it's always in the Genes",1,en
The number of links below represents a very important number. The mods' IQ,1,en
"Given that my grandmother's world is upended by soup that is too salty, I can't help but question how bad The Depression REALLY was.",1,en
what english king invented the fireplace? alfred the grate !,0,en
Why is Paris the city of love? Hard P and a soft A. Modified from comment section of reddit,0,en
"Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say ""You haven't seen The Wire? "" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.",1,en
Dear Life. Would you at least start using lubricant,0,en
what happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the halloween party? no one moved . they couldn't stir without her .,0,en
My property is saying... Its not working anymore. Lets break up.,0,en
My friend told me if im upset about something i should sleep on it. I told him to give it a rest,0,en
How are men like video game cartridges? Sometimes you have to blow in them before you can play with them!,0,en
"i don't know why they are called smart phones, i dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out .",1,en
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot.,0,en
"I'm reading a book on evolution. The beginning wasn't great, but it's getting better over time",1,en
"Did you hear about that new Pixar movie called ""Finding Juan""? This time he's looking for his papers on the border.",1,en
"Dear Car Companies, Please replace glove compartments with toaster ovens.",0,en
"when someone says something is great, i take that as a personal challenge to not enjoy it .",1,en
Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!,0,en
Did you hear about the pirate who wanted to cut hair for a living? He moved to the barbery coast.,1,en
Who else can't wait for March to end The mods deleting every comment is really unnecessary,0,en
What do you call a Star wars fan in an attic? Annakin Frank,0,en
i fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. i was in stitches for two weeks,1,en
did you hear the submarine construction business closed down? shame they went under,1,en
how do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? ba dum ship .,0,en
which trees miss you the most? pine trees,0,en
Do you remember that time when we had great mods? Me neither.,0,en
What type of music are homeless people unable to hear? House.,1,en
"Someone offered to take me fly fishing, but I turned them down. I like to keep it reel",1,en
surprise your wife today. sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself,0,en
Which actor is best suited for a programmer role? Dev Patel.,1,en
"Europe is in turmoil, but at least I've got some steady income despite the migrant crisis I own a florist around the corner from the French embassy",1,en
What was a telemarketer's worst nightmare! He could not connect with the callee.,0,en
What does my basement and a pokeball have in common? both doesn't let anyone to escape until u wanted to,0,en
well well well. if it isn't old saint nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year,0,en
At school today someone had a seizure. I think he might have pulled a juice wrld,0,en
"i keep confusing the names jimmy and james doesn't matter, as they both think everyone loves their sausage .",0,en
this joke is like gravity. a force,1,en
"don't worry , they'll tell you. how do you know op put the punchline in the title ?",0,en
why would pinocchio make a bad criminal? he wasn't cut out for this .,0,en
"Memory foam pillows are the worst. As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day. ",1,en
"I told my friend that I disproved the theory of conservation of mass, But he didn't understand the weight of the situation.",1,en
What is it called when a writer is sick of writing? Authoritis!,1,en
A reporter told the police that someone hacked his computer and removed the first line of every story. There are no ledes,1,en
I busted my nose earlier today. I suppose women can call the aftermath a hot mess,1,en
"you legally aren't married until someone says, "" haha but seriously "" in their wedding speech .",1,en
Remember when Indiana Jones risked having his arm crushed to rescue his hat? I'd do that for my iPhone.,0,en
Why are Samsung Galaxy Z Folds so common in Asia? They are a fordable.,1,en
How did the violinist learn to play violin? He just started fiddling with it.,1,en
"In South America, how many women get waxed per year? A Brazilian.",1,en
"The last movie my family got to see together was ""Spiderman Homecoming"". Now my Dad is ""Far From Home"".",1,en
What can be said about the victims of the Walmart shooting? They el paso way,1,en
How do you do a pregnancy test in Africa You stick a piece of bread in there and see if it dissapears,1,en
don't worry about the world coming to an end today. it is already tomorrow in australia,0,en
Green is definitely my favorite color I like it far more than blue and yellow combined,1,en
A girl went to Thailand for a week. And came back a changed man,0,en
When the cat's away.....? The house smells better !,0,en
Moseses parents didn't start off rich but they made a handsome profit,1,en
what did the glass of water say to his son who is obsessed with becoming ice? it's just a phase .,1,en
I'm having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it's working right now? Thanks.,0,en
"i took a bus home last night that may not be a big deal to you, but i have never reposted before .",0,en
doctor doctor nobody understands me. what do you mean by that ?,1,en
""" hey . "" "" hey . "" "" what's up? "" "" nothing . "" end of conversation .",0,en
what if aliens are responsible for global warming? and this is just their way of breaking the ice .,1,en
"for a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost .",0,en
So I woke up to find that someone had stolen my assignment for my communications class. I was speechless,1,en
Everyone has a photographic memory. But in some people it won't develop.,1,en
how do you unload a truck load of puppies? with a pitchfork,1,en
doctor doctor i think i'm a bridge what's come over you? oh two cars a large truck and a coach .,0,en
How do fish celebrate Christmas?  They hang reefs on the door.,1,en
What do you call an Alabama Family Tree? A Christmas wreath.,1,en
me : i cant make it in today boss : again? why m : my car died b : that's the same excuse you used yesterday m : yeah but today's the funeral,0,en
Prostitues are a lot like plumbers. They both get paid to lay pipe.,1,en
i'm gonna be a professional farmer when i grow up. i've been wanting to get in that field for years,1,en
did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? he had to keep track of everything !,0,en
"I think the lady at the movies is ""shushing"" me, but I can't tell because I'm eating Doritos.",1,en
A Polish guy bought a toilet brush. three days later he went back to paper,1,en
What do you call a fresh dead body in a morgue? Tonight's date,0,en
"a blond goes to the doctor blonde : doctor my skin is very smooth and fair , what should i do before going to sleep? doctor : lock the door",1,en
"Did you hear about the guy who invented a knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once? He's calling it the ""Four Loaf Cleaver.""",1,en
"If you're an astronaut. and you don't end every relationship with ""I need space"" then you're just wasting your time",1,en
what happens to a plate made out of cookies when you drop it? it chips .,1,en
"what were the virgin islands called , after chuck norris visited them? the islands",1,en
What happened to the two gladiator olives? They were pitted against each other,1,en
A Canibal realized his meal was undercooked. So he threw up his hands in frustration,1,en
what is the difference between walking a dog in america and china? the spelling .,1,en
"can't wait to walk down the aisle . the frozen food aisle . marry me, ice cream .",0,en
how does kylo ren spend father's day? solo .,0,en
"Guys with good taste Her: I like guys with good taste Him: Lucky for you, I've been eating pineapple all day Her: What? Him: What?",1,en
i like people how i like my laundry separated by color,1,en
"Why is history called His story? Because it's written by the Victors, not the Victorias.",1,en
What kind of car does Master Yoda drive? A Volkswagen Jedi.,1,en
Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued? I'll tweet it tomorrow.,0,en
"if you really want people to notice you, be a typo .",0,en
my favourite element is helium. i can't speak highly enough of it,1,en
"if you are not so happy with life , come join us on facebook. we'll make you forget you ever had one",0,en
"Arby's also has a secret menu. If you order a ""phone book"" they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat",1,en
"There's really no sense in being pessimistic. It's not going to work, anyway",1,en
Things that are loud: Jet engines Dynamite Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral Rock concerts,1,en
"I heard a certified diamond makes any woman happy. However, my lady wasn't pleased with her Nickelback album.",1,en
Did you Hear how the Notre Dame burned down A Soundcloud left their mixtape in there,0,en
Why was the baguette excited for his audition? He heard he might be playing a big roll,1,en
"say what you will about terrorists, but those guys really know how to paint the town red .",1,en
What do you do when a vegetable turns bad? Pull out the life support ,0,en
""" officer , what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today? "" "" man i've seen all kinds of thieves in my career , but this one takes the cake """,0,en
People often make shoelace jokes. They're knot funny.,1,en
"a homeless guy just gave me some change. note to self : when in public , wear pants",0,en
"Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause you're always guardin' your wallet, guardin' your car, and guardin' your house.",0,en
What do you call a sexy BLONDE that understands what you're saying? A MissUnderstanding!,1,en
"I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.",0,en
Wife: Talk sexy to me Husband: Commencing garment extraction W: Huh? H: Initiating trouser disengagement W: ... H: Removing unmentionables,1,en
"What the Mayans taught me The Mayans taught me that if you don't finish something, it's not really the end of the world.",1,en
"I signed up for an online culinary school. I still can't cook, but I made cookies!",0,en
What technique does a prisoner use when coloring a picture? Cell shading.,1,en
actually its not a dark color but geoge floyd s favorite color was kneeon blue,0,en
teacher : what is the unit of energy? students : yes !,1,en
Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet? He wrecked three cars a bus and two fire engines !,0,en
"what did the man say when he saw the chilli that he was about to cut up for his chilli con carne dancing? ""My chilli's gone barmy!!!""",1,en
ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered... fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no,0,en
A 'red list' of endangered species has been released. It includes 'literate people on Facebook' and 'monogamous footballers',1,en
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I'm reading her Hugh Jackman's autobiography,0,en
"When you go fishing sharks the next time, please take me with you.",0,en
Our new IT guy moved here from Australia. He comes from a LAN down under,1,en
Why did the heart get sent to police station? Cardiac arrest.,1,en
"Sylvester Stallone to his friend: Hey, when do you need me to tell you if I can come to the rap concert? Friend: ""ASAP, Rocky.""",1,en
What does a vegan ghost eat? Supernatural food.,1,en
"i am writing my first buddhist musical, "" hello dalai threedots lama "" .",1,en
"""Sorry boss, I won't be coming in today for the big meeting,"" I told my manager. ""Why's that?"" he asked. I said, ""Yes, very wise.'",1,en
I have some great kitchen puns. They're really pantastic,1,en
Did you hear about the fires in Greece? It's lit.,1,en
"On a cold, late December day... ... the wall calendar looked across the room at the advent calendar and said: ""It looks like our days are numbered, pal"".",1,en
i was reminded of you today. but then i flushed the toilet and went on about my business,0,en
"Did you hear about my cruel psychic Maths teacher called Moe who's great with a sniper rifle? He's a mean medium, Moe, with range.",1,en
Why do groups of birds always seem so shady? cuz they're always flockin' around,0,en
People tell me I use too many cliches. But I take it with a pinch of salt,1,en
why did sally the stripper stop dating the guitar player? he kept trying to tune her g string .,1,en
Q: Why did the apple cry? A: Its peelings were hurt.,0,en
Why did Bill Murray's cameo have a sore back? It had to carry the new Ghostbusters movie for almost two hours.,1,en
what did the mermaid do last saturday night? she went out with the tide .,0,en
Did you hear about the guy that ran the erectile dysfunction support group? He had to disband the group because he couldn't raise enough members.,1,en
q : what did one candle say to the other candle? a : are you going out tonight,0,en
How do you turn a cow into a steak? You mootilate it.,0,en
"sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning "" you mean diabetes? "" ooh look at me , i'm a patient that knows all the diseases ooh",0,en
"live for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away .",0,en
"what did the facial hair say when it had to leave the party? "" sorry guys , moustache ! """,1,en
What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.,1,en
"According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing.",1,en
"So uh, what's the new sub? Since this one is dead, what's gonna be the new one?",0,en
What is the best way to clean your oven Ethnic cleansing,1,en
So my pregnant wife wanted to introduce toys in the bedroom. I suggested a clothes hangar,1,en
"i wanted to ride my bike, but it was two tired .",0,en
"""Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time"" linguists, supposably",1,en
How do you get honey from a graveyard? From a zombee! I'll see myself out,0,en
"my thoughts today are like underwear, i don't have any clean ones .",1,en
I was wondering how close the twister was. The answer blew me away,1,en
I can totally relate to the plight of the homeless. I once gave up Twitter for five whole days,0,en
"best joke for americans . my friend calls me up and asks "" hey are you free tonight? "" and i say of course , i'm american .",1,en
the first rule of rule club is that we talk about the rules. a lot,1,en
"i woke up with a horse's head in my bed . and straw . and the rest of the horse's body . and cows . and a tractor . and this is a barn, i guess .",0,en
have you seen the new movie about auschwitz? the plot was interesting but actors could have put more soul into their characters . it was a hollow cast .,1,en
"What do my will to live and a home run have in common? They can both be described as ""going, going, GONE!""",1,en
What do Mods order at a Chinese restaurant? Cream of Sum Yung Gi,0,en
It's so hot outside. I'm sweating like a poodle at Michael Vicks house,0,en
What do Stephen Hawking and Princess Diana have in common? They both died on four wheels.,1,en
I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup. I didn't know if he was friend or pho,0,en
"Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.",0,en
what is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head? you don't want to look down .,0,en
What does Imperator Furiosa like to click when she logs into a website? REMEMBER ME!!!!!!!!!!,0,en
why was the girl in such a bad mood when she got out of jail? she had a period at the end of her sentence .,1,en
What do you call a lungfish that spreads lyme disease Ticktaalic,1,en
Whenever I'm feeling stressed I go to the house of mirrors. I find it's a really great place to reflect,1,en
"if school isn't the place to sleep, then home isn't the place to study .",1,en
"I was going to make a joke about relaxing meditation techniques... ...but zen again, maybe I won't.",0,en
What the japanese version of mission impossible? Miso impossible,0,en
"An essay is like a girl's skirt. It should be long enough to cover the important parts, but short enough to still be interesting",1,en
Why do the Marines call it Parris island? Because they like to play with each other's oui oui.,1,en
My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition,1,en
"I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I've got Norton but",0,en
he : that's a handsome dog. what's his name ? she : roger he : does he bite ? she : no he : how does he eat then ?,0,en
"Guys, it could be worse. Male random baldness could have been a thing",1,en
i took my wife's family out for tea and biscuits. they weren't too happy about having to give blood though,1,en
I'm so lonely... That my only greeting is from a microwave.,0,en
"poo jokes. i do , do them not my go to joke type , not bad for a number two though",1,en
So I started up my PC today and all the work on my thesis was gone Who let the. docx out?,0,en
First post and an original How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton,1,en
my priest was pretty upset today. nobody at mass bought him a father's day card,0,en
"How is hiding a corpse like buying a house? Its all about Location, Location, Location!",0,en
"Any time someone says ""have you seen that YouTube video? "" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone",0,en
"""Engagement"" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?",1,en
Protein shakes are really expensive.... Whey expensive. EDIT: Spelling,0,en
Looks like the black panther sequel.... Will have a ghostbusters crossover,0,en
Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook? Because he only had followers. Not friends.,0,en
What's it like never being flaccid? Hard.,0,en
why is an engaged girl like a telephone? because they both have rings .,1,en
I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor. Then I thought of all the training,1,en
i smiled today. i'm going to be so sore tomorrow !,0,en
I married a woman whose family suffers from anorexia. I saved a fortune on wedding cake.,0,en
What was Camelot famous for? It's knight life !,0,en
how do you get your hair into shape? you condition it,1,en
What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.,1,en
Whats Thanos' favorite social network service? snapchat,0,en
Who me? Oh I'm just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun,0,en
"""Doctor, I have suicidal tendencies, what do I do?"" ""You can start by paying for the consultation""",1,en
What's a math teacher's favorite TV show? Sinefeld,0,en
"No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You've gotta respect that",0,en
"What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend? ""Dino what you're thinking.""",1,en
It's really hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore,1,en
Memes are like children They work better unplanned.,1,en
It isn't even Halloween right now But you can see Skeletons everywhere in Africa.,0,en
"Was told to turn on the water hose I was told to turn on the water hose. Responded ""I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality""",1,en
why are they called one direction? looks to me like they go both ways .,1,en
"If I were incredibly rich... ...I would hire two private investigators, and get them to follow each other.",1,en
who is the king of stationary? the ruler .,0,en
"To all those people who never finish what they start, I say...",0,en
jay : does the bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven? ted : no but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there .,0,en
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.,1,en
"hey man , just be yourself! not like that though .",0,en
"when i was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend and it was so cold in that cemetery !",0,en
I don't use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me,1,en
My youngest son gave me a dead leg yesterday. Now I'm wondering where he got it from,1,en
Have you guys heard about Reese Witherspoon? I Hershey is in a new movie.,0,en
What do you call an Ariana Grande concert? A Blast,1,en
What is a sailor's favorite letter? From his wife back home,0,en
"if i ask you how you're doing and you say anything more complicated than "" fine, "" we're going to have a problem",1,en
"why did victoria lose her job? we don't know , it's victoria's secret .",0,en
what did one pencil say to the other? your looking sharp !,0,en
"you don't get what you wish for, you get what you work for .",0,en
"i'm always disappointed when i board a plane and there's no handsome man running after me to stop me. thanks , hollywood",0,en
"If you have a daughter, let her marry a programmer. They are men with codes",1,en
What's a thoughtful person's favourite dip? Hmmmus.,0,en
I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?,1,en
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control,1,en
what do clothes and religion have in common? someone invented them and forced them on everyone .,1,en
how do astronauts screw in a lightbulb? they don't : they screw in a vacuum .,1,en
I was thinking about how duckling is our word for little ducks. so I canceled my order for steamed dumplings,1,en
Apparently my girlfriend is a lot like JIRA. They're REALLY good for creating issues,1,en
all of my friends are really happy and successful. i have no clean forks so i cut up a hot dog with my debit card,1,en
what's a good treatment for insomnia? bill cosby,0,en
"gather round children, and let me tell ye the story of the black forest ham",1,en
"What is ""The Fonz's"" favorite breakfast? Eeeeeeeeeeggs",0,en
"doctor : "" i think this patient is dying . what blood type is he? "" nurse : "" b positive . "" doctor : "" okay . i don't think this patient is dying . """,1,en
"Apparently Mr. Neeson's ""particular set of skills"" is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped",1,en
i tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were. i couldn't get the message across,1,en
"i am woman, hear me say the opposite of what i mean in that tone that means you'd better do what i meant and not what i said .",0,en
What brand of Vacuum Cleaner does Snoop Dogg use? Bissell,1,en
"Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I'm not allowed to go out on St. Paddy's Day anymore. It's too much.",0,en
Hearthstone's TGT Decks are live! Log In and Play,0,en
Twitter is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do and takes you nowhere,0,en
"i'm saving myself for marriage . sorry, from . saving myself from marriage .",0,en
"if i agreed with you, we'd both be wrong",0,en
"Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract? Because he wanted to make a difference. My first original, time for open mic!",0,en
"god : i made something new . it's like a tornado , but smaller . angel : what do you call it? god : a toddler .",1,en
What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening? A pillow,0,en
"Like a good neighbor plow my driveway, not my wife",0,en
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old,1,en
"I'd make a joke about Kate Spade But at this point, it's low hanging fruit.",0,en
"how do you spell "" apathy ""? i don't care .",1,en
"You should really eat more turnips. They're really healthy Turnip, for what?",0,en
"what are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears? "" you're hired "" "" not guilty """,1,en
I just started Caitlyn Jenner's new diet plan. Its a lot like the Atkins diet except it is all transfats,0,en
How did the Hulk feel after trying to lift Mjolnir? He felt Thor.,0,en
why don't bananas snore? because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch .,0,en
Why did Lamar give money to Kobe? Because Lamar Odom,0,en
angel: where'd all the zebras go? God: I put 'em in the desert angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow God: I know lol,1,en
what time of day is the saddest? the mourning,1,en
Me and my have plenty of free food after our marriage We even have extra fetuses to give away ,1,en
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I'm ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa,1,en
is it dangerous to swim on a full stomach? yes . it's better to swim in water .,0,en
""" i made my famous dip for the office party "" you're a regular abe lincoln. "" but he wasn't a chef "" exactly",1,en
What do you call a good looking tractor? Attractor,1,en
Why are there so many cheap phones in third world countries? Manufacturers discount,1,en
where do they manufacture smiles? in a satisfactory,1,en
You know what's wrong with baptism? They don't hold them under long enough.,0,en
"They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play",1,en
"why didn't bruce willis star in the movie "" titanic ""? because he would've saved everybody .",1,en
what is the worst way to spell mississippi? correctly .,0,en
"My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school. Maths, and he couldn't remember the other one",1,en
I used to be schizophrenic. but now we're ok,0,en
What do you call a flightless bird? Joaquin Phoenix.,1,en
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea,1,en
How does a sloth hang itself? By trying to jump rope.,1,en
"What does the earth eat for breakfast? Continental breakfast, served on tectonic plates.",1,en
what's the fastest car on earth? a rental car .,0,en
i don't give out fake number anymore. i just tell them to find me on facebook,0,en
don't you hate it when you don't know something and have no way of finding out? we need some kind of threedots global information network .,0,en
where does lonely soup go? to a brothel .,1,en
""" what's the matter with your dinner? "" "" can you describe it for me please in case i need to tell my doctor later what i've eaten ! """,0,en
"Farrah Fawcett's last wish was for all the children in the world to be safe, then Michael Jackson died.",0,en
"If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends they might not give you a chance to change your mind...",0,en
Whats the difference between a French kiss and a Australian kiss? Its the same thing... except one is down other.,0,en
why did the lion win the race? because he mufasa .,1,en
Why do Gastroenterologists have such a passion for their job? Because they find the components of one's stomach very intestine.,1,en
Why wasn't Michael Jackson healthy? Artificial colouring.,0,en
joke : how does a woman go about inventing a lightbulb? she gives birth to a son .,1,en
A man killed himself to find out what the afterlife was like. He was dying to know!,0,en
how does a man see things from woman's point of view? by looking out the kitchen window .,1,en
my stephen hawking book finally arrived from ebay. it's about time,0,en
What do you call a robber who looks like David Beckham? Bandit like Beckham,1,en
What is a hairdresser's favorite herb? Salontro,0,en
do you want me to write good jokes? good jokes,1,en
never trust a married guys opinion of who's hot. it's like asking a starving guy what food tastes good,1,en
Why do they keep making TVs thinner and thinner? To keep up with the content.,1,en
"if you ever get a job at a bank , take care not to slice your hand open while handling notes and coins. if that happens , you'll be sure to get a pay cut",1,en
who delivers presents to baby sharks at christmas? santa jaws .,0,en
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B! tches love to be called beautiful.,0,en
What do you call a Local Area Network in Australia? The LAN down under.,1,en
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Look for gray hares.,1,en
I have a question for German people plzz answer Do u guys like juice?,1,en
"Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.",0,en
What is Wilford Brimley's favorite band? The Beatis.,0,en
"I walked up to a windmill and said, ""What do you think of this, you spin really fast and I'll fly a kite from the wind you make? "" ""...I'm not a big fan.""",1,en
"every day , there's a kid coming to my store looking for trouble threedots and every day , i tell him we're sold out. can't he buy monopoly instead ?",0,en
I wanted a cat but the wife wanted a dog. so we compromised and got a dog,0,en
Which area of Zelda: Ocarina of time uses the most resources? The long long farm.,0,en
"So after the subreddit banning went down, I texted Ellen Pao asking if this was some sort of a joke. She responded ""Im SRS""",0,en
"Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater",1,en
"i order a pizza online and under special requests i write : "" tell me the meaning of life "". when the door bell rings there's only an empty box",1,en
Why was the baby elf sad? Because he was Legolas,0,en
Developing an app that redirects you to twitter if you click on any other app on your phone cause obviously it was a mistake. You're welcome,0,en
"dear board of education , so are we. sincerely , students",1,en
Jared and zits What's the difference between Jared and Acne? Acne doesn't come on a kids face until there a teenager!,0,en
I pulled up next to a Tesla at a stoplight and asked him to rev the engine. I was shocked when he actually did it,1,en
"I'm really good at telling old jokes, and fixing fences. I guess I'm just good at reposting",1,en
When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!,0,en
what do you get from a cow on the north pole? cold cream !,0,en
"Overgeneralization For my english homework I need to create overgeneralizations, can you guys help me pls? ",1,en
"TIFU by taking the wrong baby home from the hospital Oops, wrong bub.",0,en
why does peter parker have a shower in his apartment? he can't get out of a bath .,0,en
"Do gun manuals have a ""trouble shooting? "" section",1,en
"when my wife wants my opinion, she'll give it to me .",0,en
"A man was undressing for the nurse behind a curtain He asks, ""Where do you want me to put my clothes? "" She says, ""On top of mine.""",1,en
Did you hear about the Hunger Games character who got eaten alive in the Middle East? Poor Peeta...,0,en
"if at first i don't succeed, i've already met my wife's expectations .",1,en
some cause happiness wherever they go. others whenever they go,1,en
"I won the ""Most Secretive Guy"" award in our office today. I can't tell you how much this award means to me",1,en
why do owners of muffler shops sleep so good at night? they're exhausted .,1,en
say what you want about sleepwalkers. At least they always follow their dreams,1,en
"""My research shows that vegetables triple in vitamin content when used as pizza toppings, "" said the awesome scientist in my imagination.",1,en
why did the hard drive crash? because it had a bad driver .,1,en
"What do you call a crossover between a dog and a cat? If you thought it's Cog, it's exactly Dat.",1,en
"Yoshi meets Mario's parents. ""Nice to meet you, it's about time he's been riding me for years.""",0,en
I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business. People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them,1,en
There's plenty of fish in the sea I can't swim,0,en
"I was flirting with this teenager on the internet... ...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?",1,en
Why do blind kids love it when their parents buy them sesame bagels? It's a different story every time,1,en
mother : did you make your bed today? daughter : yes mom but i think it would be easier to buy one .,0,en
why did the cell tower cafe get bad reviews? because the service was horrible .,1,en
i'll tell you what i love doing more than anything : trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. i can hardly contain myself,1,en
What do you call a dating service for lumberjacks? Timbr,1,en
"to make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored .",0,en
I was playing CS:GO and I heard gunshots. I thought an enemy was behind me. Turns out my American friend had his mic on.,1,en
What do rodents with an inclination towards mathematics use for their auctioning needs? thepiratebay,1,en
I'm getting the band back together. We're called New Direction,1,en
"did someone died? no , but it's still early .",0,en
what do you call a bee that has been run over by a car? bee flat music joke for those who don't understand . b flat is a note .,1,en
"Girls on Facebook call it, ""The Walk of Shame. "" Girls on Twitter call it, ""The Strut of Satisfaction""",1,en
Canada's Gas prices. They fell as fast as Greece's GDP,1,en
how does kanye west screw in a lightbulb? he holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him .,1,en
I'm predicting the next big hip hop fashion accessory: Thimbles. Gold thimbles. Worn on two or three fingers per hand.,1,en
Student: What is the chance we are alone in the universe? Professor: Astronomical.,1,en
What are Kierkegaard's two favourite fruits? Melon and Broccoli!,0,en
What is the similarity of Curdistan and humor? Both do not know borders.,1,en
my wife crashed the car while listening to adele last night. she ended up rolling in the jeep,0,en
what's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn? you can't play football with the remote .,1,en
What do you say to a guy who is covered in rodents? Mice outfit!,0,en
"My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable! Until the dog humped the couch",0,en
I heard Oscar Pistorius had a hard time finding a lawyer for his murder trial. they kept saying he didn't have a leg to stand on,1,en
People tell me I'm confusing. I tell them I stopped making sense when I lost my job at the mint,1,en
What's cooler than a talking dog? A spelling bee!,0,en
Use Angie's List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants,0,en
"Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good. Me: Thanks, you look good too.",0,en
What did the fisherman say to the fisherwoman? Your place or mine,1,en
Whats blue and slippery? A blue slipper,0,en
stop making history jokes! they're getting old .,0,en
"christmas song single bells, single bells . single all the way . my crush said let's be friends . friendzone all the way !",1,en
would you like to know the best way to avoid drama? just stop going to plays !,0,en
"i wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold threedots threedots threedots and eaten threedots",0,en
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.,1,en
"An albino guy walks into a tattoo parlor... ...the tattooist looks him over, and asks ""So... what do you want? "" The albino guy replies, ""BEIGE. EVERYWHERE.""",1,en
Made a shepherd's pie last night. He didn't like it,0,en
"Mickey Mouse hangs himself. He doesn't die though, it's just a case of suspended animation",1,en
DM me for a good surprise Plz trust me and do it.,0,en
What does a chritian and a fence have in common Nails,1,en
"Always remember kids If she said no you're just imagining things, because objects can't speak.",1,en
Just came up with.. Q: How do pirates like their jigsaws? A: In pieces of eight.,0,en
"just forgot the word ' bagel ' and had to say , "" round toast donut. "" i think i'm having a stroke",1,en
"if you follow the rules of grammar , people will always help you. if you don't , your on you're own",1,en
i bought my friend a copy of the lord of the rings but he didn't seem that pleased. he though it was a tolkien gesture,1,en
Two ghosts walk into a bar. They don't say ow,0,en
"I don't want to be Oprah rich. I want to be ""never drink off brand soda"" or ""my car stops because I hit the pedal,not because I prayed"" rich",1,en
What did Sacagawea the frog say in the trampoline factory? I'm very hoppy.,1,en
what do an eagle and a broom have in common? they both fly but the broom doesn't .,1,en
What band do walking vegetables listen to Syndrome of a down,1,en
What does a girl and a Wii remote has in common? So many possibilities with just one hole,0,en
"Hello, you're through to Sea World Your call may be used for training Porpoises.",0,en
I can see myself going up in the world. The mirror in the elevator is pretty shiny,1,en
what do the female reindeer do when they want some fun? they go into town and blow a few bucks .,1,en
what type of memory card is always laughing? the xd card .,1,en
Sean Connery was injured last night in his sleep when some books fell on his head. He could only blame his shelve,0,en
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast,0,en
"when a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about .",1,en
I've been thinking about those poor introverted kids during Christmas time. They have no presence in the room.,1,en
"A couple's having breakfast. He says, ""Were you faking it last night? "" She says, ""No, I was really asleep.""",1,en
People from Wisconsin always make. Cheesy jokes,1,en
what does the rest of the colony call an old ant? an antique .,1,en
My favourite position in bed. The side nearest the socket so i can play with my phone while it's charging,1,en
I wanted to tell a science joke. But I figured it'd be too quarky,1,en
What kind of apple hangs on a tree? A grapple.,1,en
"""It's not about the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean"". But it's hard to get cross the Atlantic with a rowboat",0,en
Burns victims tend to become lifelong friends. They always stick together.,1,en
What do you call a fish that is good for your bones? An orthopedic sturgeon. :D,0,en
"original game idea School Shooter Simulator! Play as the shooter, the cop... or the autistic kid.",0,en
A police said Hi while i was watering the plants thankfully i didnt have my phone.,0,en
""" i caught a twenty pound salmon last week . "" "" were there any witnesses? "" "" there sure were . if there hadn't been it would have been forty pounds . """,1,en
"If a Norwegian robot. If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian",1,en
"anyone have a good birthday joke? my sister's birthday is today , and i'm looking for a good one to call her with .",0,en
why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins? because the only constant is change .,1,en
what do you call a mean general? general average,1,en
What does a blood learn in kindergarten? His abb's,1,en
What do you call a brit who goes to France and does not come back  Diana ,1,en
What did the momma paper towel say about the baby paper towel? Tots absorbs ,0,en
"Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage. In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot",1,en
"why can't priests have children? because choir boys can't get pregnant , thank god .",1,en
Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another? A: By scareplane.,0,en
what did the lizard get at home depot? reptile .,1,en
"how can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed? by the "" m "" on his pajamas .",0,en
"My wife prefers BBC British Broadcasting Channel, in her opinion, has better documentaries than PBS",1,en
How do you call friends who eat together? Tastebuds.,1,en
What do you call taco sauce protectors? Mild Protective Services,1,en
I was going to meet this girl I really like But I think I went to the wrong house because Chris Hansen was there,0,en
reasons to date me: i laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to .,0,en
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!,0,en
"Why was John Lennon shocked when he got his wife's gynecologist bill? He had misunderstood the doctor when he said ""I do probe Ono.""",1,en
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have Alzheimer's, Cheese on toast",0,en
What is an Italian redditors favorite meal? Fettuccini Alfedora.,1,en
"Conversation between me and a German chef: He: Do you want toasts? Me: Yeah , sure. He: Do you want them French or Jewish? Me: What? He: What?",1,en
Did you hear about the woman who blew all her money on powerball tickets? She made a lotto bad decisions....,0,en
"Roses are red. Violets are violet, That guy who hit that skyscraper was a really bad pilot",0,en
"I wonder how Beaker from the Muppets came to work at Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's laboratory. Is he just there as a college intern, or is he a graduated beaker?",0,en
What is the average temperature of a Tonton? Lukewarm,1,en
what do you call sandpaper in iraq? a map .,1,en
What is a baby's favorite Fall Out Boy song? Thanks For The Mammaries,0,en
"When I get lost in Reddit, I instinctively click on ""Front"", and then regret it. I regReddit",0,en
"i posted a selfie and someone commented "" oh my! that was brave . "" .",1,en
I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation that I have... Don't believe me? Just watch!,0,en
men don't care whats on tv. they care what else is on tv,1,en
How do you know that Apple is run by men and not by women? Because it's a trillion dollar company and not a kitchen.,1,en
how much does a dead battery cost? it's free of charge,1,en
"My school has many shortages. Paper, budget, printer ink and rounds for my AR",1,en
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it's just pointing to another refrigerator.,0,en
What do you call a zoo enclosure without any change? A nickeless cage.,1,en
What is Eminem made of? He is made of Mathers,0,en
"What's the difference between water and a baby? One quenches my thirst, and the other is just water.",1,en
My friend tells me she's sitting on the board of the local chapter of Rotory Club. I just hope they have good cushions,1,en
Where's the vegetable? Where you left him.,0,en
the first rule of relationships: you don't find out why someone was available until it's too late .,1,en
"when i asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, i meant with me .",1,en
"I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville. figured it was appropriate",0,en
"after some thinking i decided not to go through with the brain transplant but then, i changed my mind",1,en
""" what do we want ? "" "" faster internet! "" "" when do we want it ? "" . loading threedots",0,en
A homeless couple wanted to be more adventurous They're thinking of trying doing an indoor.,1,en
What do you call a resounding period? A standing ovulation.,1,en
""" she's cute i swear , let me find a better picture. "" me telling my friends about my new girlfriend",0,en
"When it started spreading, never thought it will be this impactful, Both women's leg and corona are so similar.",1,en
What was the jew's schedule in the morning in Germany? A shower from which he never came out of!,0,en
What do you call an and with frogs legs? An antphibian !,1,en
I got a job at a Suicide Hotline It was the most tiring job I have ever done because I got no rest,1,en
Ever hear about the Roman general who had a fit every time there was cold weather? Hail.. seizure,0,en
by the time your done readting this so my motto is you age and school never ends it just keeps on going ,0,en
How did Brandon Lee's wife get pregnant? The prop guy said he was shooting blanks!,0,en
what's the difference between autumn and fall? the twin towers didn't autumn,0,en
"Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.",0,en
How many people died on the Titanic? A boatload.,0,en
Where do snowmen put their webpages? On the winternet.,0,en
did you hear about the korean who entered the lottery? he won one billion won .,1,en
What did the surfer say to David Carradine? Hang tight,0,en
Whats a bros favorite mexican food. Carne asuhdude,0,en
"What do a drum and a woman have in common? The harder you beat it, the louder it gets.",1,en
When someone ask me... How are you? ... I answer back... You mean in bed,0,en
""" should i go into the arts ? "" "" can you imagine yourself doing anything else ? "" "" no "" "" then i wouldn't go into the arts, with no imagination """,1,en
I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo,0,en
I love Mondays. It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class,1,en
shout out to. shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is,1,en
"Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston. Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston",1,en
What's the difference between a child and debt? The Pope has never been in debt. ,1,en
the easiest way to a man's heart? it's between the fourth and fifth ribs,1,en
Who granted the fish's wish? Fairy codmother,0,en
Who was the nose's favorite Christian mystic? Nostrildamus,0,en
What do you call a love story between resistance and energy? Omhmeo and Jouleiet,1,en
What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.,1,en
Me: Want to see me do The Robot? Friend: Sure. Me: Friend: Why aren't you moving? Me: Updating software,0,en
When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks,1,en
"""If something goes wrong, we'll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened"". This was a choice made",1,en
can't now. having an heated argument with my toaster,0,en
"I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards, Because change should come from within.",0,en
carbon dating. what carbon does when its lonely,1,en
"it's disturbing when the water pressure in a drinking fountain drops when a toilet is flushed, but even more so when it gets stronger .",1,en
"If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does...",0,en
"Why does Bob Marley like jpegs, gifs and pngs but hate svg? Because they're raster graphic images.",1,en
Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation? John Cougar's Melon Camp,1,en
what do you call a disabled cow a veggie burger,1,en
"What did the busy port master say to the rowdy pirates who wanted to dock? ""I don't have time for your ship.""",1,en
What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music? I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.,1,en
You know whats funnier than Philly. Your Religion,0,en
brain : we've got lots to do today. body : you're on your own buddy,0,en
what kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? a pocket watch .,1,en
did you guys hear about the mob of comedians? it was a riot .,1,en
and how did you find your steak sir? well quite accidentally . i moved this tomato slice and there it was,0,en
"Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN",1,en
Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because desperate times call for desperate measures....,1,en
Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi? All those feathers keep getting in the way,1,en
"What is round, ticks and if it falls down the clock is broken?",0,en
Wanna hear a short joke? Leafy's chin,0,en
my girlfriend was knocking on my door so many times and so hard... that I had to let her out...,0,en
"did you know a man gets run over by a car in new york city every five minutes? whoa , he should really get out of the road !",0,en
China has one of the largest manufacturing and exporting economies in the world. What product of theirs is most commonly exported? Newborn girls.,1,en
Why do the mountain oysters served at the dinner next to the bull fighting arena taste different sometimes?  The matador does not always win,1,en
how do you make seven even? take the s off .,0,en
Confused how Corona virus has spread so much in Iran given half their population already wears masks.,1,en
Chef's favorite personal dish? Stroganoff,0,en
My internet is so slow. Loading,0,en
"god is pretty creative. i mean , look at me",0,en
"some people say i dream too much, i say it's just because my life is better than their dreams are .",1,en
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.,0,en
""" better out than in, "" my dad always used to say . lovely man . terrible heart surgeon .",0,en
why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor? it was just a stage he was going through,1,en
have you ever thought about dying instantly? couldn't hurt .,0,en
What did the girls say to Jared after he was done? My dad did a better job than you.,0,en
"I'm very generous when it comes to giving to charity. I always say, ""No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day.""",0,en
Why do origami businesses fail? They fold much too easily.,1,en
"On Family Guy, why is the Griffen's internet so slow? They only have one meg.",0,en
How many dogs are there in the world? Enough to feed a whole family,1,en
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.,0,en
I like my children how I like my essays. Unplanned and poorly executed,1,en
My friend got a spider in his eye. Now he has a website,0,en
it is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. that's true if you want to call chuck norris a giant meteor,1,en
i guess i'll go to your party but answer the next question very carefully: will there be a cheese tray,0,en
I've satisfied every waitress I've met. With just the tip,1,en
Why accountants don't read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.,1,en
what do you mean pi r square? pies are round,1,en
why do cows lie down in the rain? to keep each udder dry .,1,en
Why was Bobby fischer so good at playing chess? Because chess is a game of concentration.,1,en
"Dude, multiplication is like advanced adding.",1,en
"What did the police officer say to the man who was urinating publicly? ""Urine trouble, mate!""",1,en
"you say tomato, i say tomato but it doesn't make that much sense when you read it .",0,en
what kind of secretary is the best secretary? one that never misses a period .,1,en
"Do you think, when they were looking for that Carmen girl, that they ever checked San Diego? Just a thought.",1,en
"If mankind has learned one thing from human history, I'd be stunned.",1,en
"I know ALL the digits of Pi Not the order, just the digits.",1,en
Why can't chickens tell time properly? They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.,1,en
"My brother's doctor says he can no longer play video games, and he's taking it very hard He's inconsolable",1,en
Why did the chicken go to the gym He believed in survival of the fittest,1,en
A haiku by bo hurnham My aunt used to say Slow and steady wins the race She died in a fire,0,en
Him: Wow you're eating again? Me: Wow you're celibate again,0,en
"If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.",1,en
"when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog , and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs , and just as good",1,en
"Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto.",0,en
"if you're ever feeling down, remember that you're unique just like everyone else",0,en
"if you want to hide something from me, put it on my voicemail .",0,en
i saw jesus on the bus today. he was the juan in front of me,0,en
Why do elderly peoples still use Bluetooth? Because there's a short distance between graves.,1,en
What's Kobe Bryant's favorite pokemon move? Heat Crash,0,en
I have a knack for philosophical puns. I guess you could say I have really found my nietzsche,1,en
why do people at work always laugh at my jokes? because they're paid to .,1,en
"The longer I own my phone, it seems like it gets heavier and heavier. It must be all the pictures I've taken. ",1,en
"English is weird... but it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Yeah you red it rite.",1,en
What do you call a shy hamburger restaurant? MeekDonalds,1,en
What is a Viking's favorite music? Ragnarock,0,en
"dear yahoo answers, i have a life question and i would like some bad advice and a link to a blog",0,en
"what did jesus say to the eskimos? many are cold , but few are frozen .",1,en
Mark Morrison took his new computer back to the Apple store. Return of the Mac,0,en
"Men are like buses, they won't text me back.",1,en
Have you read that new book on antigravity? It's hard to put down!,0,en
maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that's why it's trying to get you. we don't know !,0,en
"how can a man go eight days without sleep? no problem , he sleeps at night .",1,en
what do dogs have that no other animal has? puppy dogs !,0,en
What do you call Stephen Hawking after cremation? A Baked Potato ,1,en
"Teacher: ""Your composition on the assignment ""My dog"" is exactly like your brothers... ...did you copy it? "" Boy: ""No, it's the same dog!""",1,en
"not sure if i want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon .",0,en
We hired a girl with down syndrome to work in our kitchen She's our slow cooker.,1,en
What do you call bamboo clusters that follow you? Stalkers.,1,en
what is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? a dog .,1,en
"when facebook goes down , everyone comes to twitter to talk about it. when twitter goes down , the world falls mute",0,en
dating tip : photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. women love guys who are good with computers,1,en
Have you heard the one about the pushover fashion designer? He was easily suede.,1,en
Hey baby do you build portable wienerschnitzels? Because you make my hotdog stand,0,en
What would you get if you crossed Bill Gates with Louis Leakey. a philanthropologist,1,en
"Honestly, the shooting at Youtube HQ today Brings a new meaning to YouTube Red ",0,en
"Babies are really expensive, which is why all the ones in Babies R Us don't have price tags.",1,en
You want to know what marriage is like? Think of a prison... Now don't change anything.,0,en
If greens are the staples of a healthy diet. I'm gonna need some paperclips,0,en
How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook? She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.,1,en
"Why were the Star Wars made IV, V, VI, I, II, III? Because in charge of distribution, Yoda was.",1,en
What's the difference between Japan and my Japanese wife? My Japanese wife actually wanted the Little Boy,1,en
Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.,1,en
"My sister got a B on her math test, and our parents are Asian. I only child now.",0,en
"So one of my friends is a real up and coming geologist and quite popular with the ladies from what I hear. Man, that guy's a rockstar.",1,en
What is the river of negation called? The Nile,1,en
What has an SNES cartridge and a white male college student got in common? They both require to be blown to function.,1,en
i know where to get a lot of potassium . it's true! source : banana,0,en
"Why don't French people smile in pictures? The French word for ""cheese"" is ""fromage"".",1,en
Had my autobiography published last year and haven't sold one copy. Story of my life,0,en
"A man walks into a bakery right before closing time And asks, ""do you have any pita? "" The baker responds, ""no, there's naan left.""",1,en
My spouse just said I'm such a cheap date that he knew he'd actually save money by marrying me. I'm apparently the Geico of women,1,en
"After a long and difficult surgery, all that was left of the patient was his skeleton. All in all, the doctors made a bone fide attempt to save him.",1,en
"There were many docks along the seashore, but one of them couldn't handle itself and collapsed. Why? Pier pressure!",0,en
"before i go to bed , i like to take a bath and than listen to single ladies. its my own bed , bath and beyonce",0,en
"It's OK, batteries. no one includes me either",0,en
"be good to yourself, you're all you've got .",0,en
what type of underwear does a fetus wear? fruit of the womb .,1,en
"me, holding a mic to my dog's mouth : who's a good boy dog : your mom me : please take this seriously",0,en
"I met an elderly at the park and asked him what was going on? He smiled and told me ""I have Parkinson""",1,en
"what's that ? "" it's my pet rock. "" why does it look sad ? dwayne johnson : i'm hungry",0,en
What's the difference between Geometry Dash and an emo The GD character would survive a tall jump,0,en
What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position? Ability to work under pressure.,1,en
What is a Detective's favourite pastry? The Tooth Hurts Donut!,0,en
i can speak any language. i just don't understand what i'm saying in anything but english,1,en
Colombian Necktie Did the man with the Colombian necktie like his necktie? He couldn't say.,1,en
"People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!",1,en
Redditors will get this. Replayed jokes,0,en
"Which southeast Asian drink is more popular, the iced tea or the coffee? Neither. It's a Thai.",1,en
"Guns are so easy to use, a child could do it. In fact, just look at Africa.",1,en
Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life,0,en
How do you post a fish? You send it COD ... or first bass mail,0,en
does your brother keep himself clean? oh yes . he takes a bath every month whether he needs one or not .,0,en
those stairs move so fast! they slipped right out from under me .,0,en
"You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..",0,en
what's the difference between a welsh coal miner and a Scottish coal miner The Scottish one comes home at the end of the day.,1,en
What did Sandy say when she came to New York? I come to this great city with great intentions.,0,en
My cat ate her breakfast then vomited it all up. I'm a little worried about her health but she does look awesome in a bikini,1,en
why did the computer crash? because it had a bad driver !,0,en
"Did you hear the rumor that Sodium was dating Chloride? Na, I would take that for a grain of salt.",1,en
What's a barber's favourite kind of holiday? Cruising on a clipper.,1,en
Tofu is over rated. It's just a curd to me,0,en
"So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery He asked for my help in pulling it off.",1,en
"So a prisoner took his own mug shot. He called it his ""cellfie""",1,en
"I'm on my way to Williston, ND. It's the most in the middle of nowhere I've ever been. I plan to show them the iPad and claim to be Jesus.",1,en
What do you call optimistic lube? Lubrican,1,en
"i want to open up a toupee shop . so when someone questions themselves about buying one , i can say , "" toupee or not toupee? that is the question . """,1,en
"chuck norris uses a night light. not because chuck norris is afraid of the dark , but the dark is afraid of chuck norris",0,en
"hi guys it's my first time to post on reddit, what should i do ?",0,en
What day was Doris Day born? Doris' day.,0,en
Q: What did the sink say to the water faucet? A: You're a real drip.,0,en
last week i ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so i bought a pack of gum at cvs. i haven't run out of receipt yet,1,en
"If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.",0,en
"Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday. Everyone's invited. Except Harold. HE said I'd NEVER find true love.",0,en
What do women and video games have in common? They're both fun to beat.,1,en
What do raspberries do when they play instruments? They have jam sessions!,1,en
what type of lunch do you get at an air show? a plain one .,1,en
Can you run a bath when you have the runs? ... only if you have enough.,0,en
I like to go fishing from time to time. Just for the halibut,0,en
Did you ever hear how happy Helen Keller was when she learned braille? Helen Keller didnt,0,en
Why is French body armour so cheap? They only need it for their back,1,en
"An old Japanese gardener asked me what I knew about bonsai trees. I answered...  ""Very little.""",1,en
"I work in construction. We don't have side pieces, we have back hoes",1,en
"don't give a women flower , she may have hay fever . don't give her chocolate , she may be on a diet! give her wifi so there's no excuse .",0,en
"""hey wanna see the strobe lights with me"" ""my daughter loves them so much shes doing a little dance on the floor""",0,en
What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages? Peter Parkinsons,0,en
"""It doesn't make any sense... but does it make a dollar? "", says the marketing manager.",1,en
"there's four things i'm no good with: faces , names and numbers .",0,en
"If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as 'a stone's throw from the beach'.",1,en
"don't cry because it's over, smile because they'll never find the body .",0,en
What was the baseball score when ethiopia played africa. ate nothing,1,en
"Did you hear they're making a holistic version of Star Wars? It's based on darth vadar's holistic brother, Ayur Veder.",1,en
life hack: a pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad .,0,en
Whats the difference between Michael Vics house and a Vet clinic. How long the dogs are underwater during a bath.,0,en
What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant? Christmas music will still be playing next year.,1,en
Why do fisherman work long hours? They have to keep up their net intake.,1,en
The doctors took a picture of my wife's unborn baby. Unfortunately it won't develop.,0,en
i got a new fishing boat. i call it the master baiter,1,en
my husband and i are having a serious fight. do you think i should let him know about it ?,0,en
What are twins favorite fruits? Pears,1,en
happy new year! sorry i use internet explorer .,0,en
"My girl told me she's depressed. Because of her weight, she suffers discrimination. I told her ""Just ignore them. You're bigger than that.""",1,en
you can basically just make up facts as long as they're about animals threedots cows can't look left. you don't know,0,en
What do you call a laughing mayonnaise? lmayo ahh,0,en
Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!,0,en
I always try to tell myself that I don't actually hate people as much as I say I do. and then I go to the mall,1,en
"How did Jesus pay for our sins? How did Jesus pay for our sins? Cash or credit? No, He used praypal",1,en
What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? A tiger has the mane part missing !,0,en
What's incommon with a new meme format and a child ? they both have a good life expectancy until I get the hold of them.,0,en
What's a nuns favorite day of the week? Sununday.,0,en
my dad is like the michael jordan of dads. he has a serious gambling problem,1,en
"someone asked me who do i prefer "" chris brown or rihanna? "" chris brown beats rihanna every time .",1,en
the home invasion ruined us. we never stood a chance against the houses,1,en
What happened when Napoleon Bonaparte went to a dominatrix? He said the safe word before she even did anything.,0,en
"Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war? General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.",1,en
Where was the evidence found that led to the arrest Jeffrey Epstein? In a PDF File,0,en
what happened when the reporter fell into the water? she became an anchor threedots,0,en
my friend carlos got his car stolen. we just call him los now,0,en
Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer? It had freed up one GB of space.,0,en
Why didn't the armless man get the joke? He just couldn't grasp it.,0,en
what's the difference between snow white and the brazil soccer team? snow white had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in .,1,en
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.,1,en
I was at a restaurant and didn't have any money left after paying for my meal. So I tipped the waitress my fedora,1,en
What do you call a woman who fell off a cliff? Eileen Dover...,0,en
Why are ballerinas so vigilant? They are always kept on their toes.,1,en
The Chinese coined the phrase 'it's not you. it's me' while looking at their family albums,1,en
Why do dogs run in circles? Because it's harder to run in squares.,1,en
What couldn't the kid in the orphanage find while browsing the internet? A homepage,0,en
"I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you",0,en
Never make puns during a Scrabble match. Your opponent may not like your wordplay,0,en
"I'm not religious, but avocados are proof of a benevolent creator.",1,en
What does a successful rapping cow struggle with? Moo money moo problems,1,en
why did the sand scream? because the sea weed . ha .,0,en
"oh you got "" swag ""? don't forget to put that on your burger king application .",0,en
Me: Two fingers here. Son: OK. M: One in the other hole. S: Got it. M: Relax your wrist. Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? M: Bowling. Chill.,0,en
Automods? gone problem? not gone,0,en
"What did Robin Williams suicide note say? ""Sorry guys...I gotta go see about a girl.""",1,en
why did moses break his glasses in half? he wanted to part his sees .,1,en
What do you call someone that goes down on both genders? Bilingual.,1,en
"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy.",1,en
Why can't elephants go skinny dipping? They can't get their trunks off...,0,en
"What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans? ""That's grounds for divorce!""",1,en
Remember when you were young and everything was new and you were filled with optimism and hope? Anyway here's a new thing to buy from Apple.,0,en
Whats the odd one out ? The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination,0,en
what body part never seems to win? the feet .,1,en
What's Thor's favourite piece of clothing? Thunderpants,0,en
Why do so many cultures celebrate Christmas Eve more than Christmas? It's the last day before that Jesus guy shows up.,1,en
"Keep calm and text a random number. ""I'm pregnant""",0,en
Did you hear about the electrician who bought a Camaro using money he got from scrap wire? He really crimped and saved,1,en
what's the difference between a baby and baby alien? one bursts into tears . the other bursts out of tears,0,en
"A man enters the drum section of a music store.. Shopkeeper: ""Sir, you can play here for a while, but then I've gotta ask you to beat it.""",1,en
what is the difference between a magician and bernie sanders? the magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance,1,en
there's a spoiler in the description. there's a spoiler in the title,0,en
sometimes things are not what they appear. just because i am sitting with an open book doesn't mean that i am studying,1,en
"cake: the answer , no matter the question .",1,en
what do you call a gang of tires? a rubber band,1,en
What do paraplegics and superconductors have in common No resistance,1,en
"send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get .",0,en
What's a barista in France's favorite workout? A French press,0,en
i just bought my wife a length of rope with a bucket on the end. i'm sure it'll go down well,1,en
I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography. Sigh. That's the story of my life.,0,en
Why do babies never write poetry? They eat all the pencils.,1,en
i've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday threedots never again. credit : tim vine,0,en
I spend more time on twitter than I do in church. I'd rather vent to imaginary friends on the Internet than to imaginary friends in the sky,1,en
What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!,0,en
i feel quite light today. pounds aren't what they used to be,0,en
Some pretzels are totally weird. They're knot for eating,1,en
"If you ever feel like a third wheel, just stop.... You are not a third wheel. You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.",0,en
"i've been doing this new program called ' cooking with nature: chinese edition ' you'd think it would be tough , but it's just a wok in the park .",1,en
"""You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something."" Good idea, Oscar. What'd you have in mind",0,en
"My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don't know, that seems pretty far fetched",1,en
"if you eat a pregnant girls food, you're required to have the baby for her",1,en
"my ex talked me into marriage i mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife",1,en
What you call a crocodile covered with tortillas? A tacodile,1,en
Me: Do you like the minuet? Her: I like the ones I didn't too,1,en
What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer? An attornity.,1,en
What do you call a seabird who's easily taken in? Gullible.,1,en
"Norwegian Robot If a Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, then it. Scandinavian",1,en
My Grandmother recently passed away and left me everything in her will. I guess you could say that I'm Grammy nominated,0,en
"After being made bishop, a man is asked what his next move will be. Diagonal",0,en
Sleeping in tomorrow so I have to put my phone on Lebron Mode. No ring,0,en
What does Jesus do with all the money he gets from church tithings? Jesus saves.,1,en
why do lego men hate going to hospital threedots? because plastic surgery costs a fortune !,0,en
you know why ancient greek children were always getting lost from their parents? ' cause they kept roman around !,0,en
"What is Polish roulette? It's similar to Russian roulette, but instead of a revolver it's played with an automatic pistol.",1,en
What kind of doctors do elephants become? Pachydermatologists,1,en
"I may be delusional, but at least every single person I've ever met is in love with me",1,en
"I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.",1,en
"i need this plant to grow. well , water you waiting for ?",0,en
I hate having to walk behind a car. It's exhausting,1,en
"women's voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you're in bed and she still sounds like morgan freeman, try harder .",1,en
What does Michael Jackson do during Christmas? Nothing.,1,en
What's the difference between Black Friday and women? Discount on goods during Black Friday isn't available all year round.,1,en
"dear rock bands , if i am at your show , assume i am both ready and willing to rock. no need to ask",0,en
What do electrical engineer's have for breakfast? Serial.,1,en
"Aerosmith According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady",1,en
What do you call an alpacca that screams when it sees fire? A smoke aLaama.,1,en
God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself,0,en
awww it's cute how your baby pulls my hair. like she doesn't realise i will pull hers right back,0,en
"my wife uses an entire bottle of dish soap when she washes the dishes every night. another day , another dawn",1,en
My daughter just lost her first tooth. She won't touch my PlayStation again!,0,en
"fellas , here's a flirting tip: if a girl plays with her hair while taking to you , it means she has lice and you should stay away from her .",1,en
"Technically speaking, you can use nail polish to remove the other kind of Polish You just need to use a lot more of the stuff.",1,en
How do Science Nerds flirt? I'd Like to be a DNA helicase so I can unzip those genes!,1,en
Answer : Mrs. Claus Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?,1,en
"my friend was getting an hiv test and he was worried , so i just gave him some advice. stay positive",1,en
"Why was Kunta Kinte such a renowned philosopher? He pondered the question ""Toby, or not Toby?""",1,en
""" so sir , have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress? "" "" i'll sleep on it """,0,en
"Son, here is a photo of a naked lady. Please identify the following parts: beanplug, malm, The Crow's Eye, underback, velveeta, DataZone",0,en
"Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!",0,en
I was supposed to speak at an Alzheimers benefit yesterday... Forgot all about it!,0,en
"My essay on sick, long necked mammals had lots of errors in it. My teacher said it was a rough giraffe",1,en
What type of gum does a Buddhist perfer? Enlightenmint! More Gum Jokes!,0,en
"the deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly .",0,en
Columbus thought he landed in the Far East. But he landed in the Far West by occident,1,en
"Behind closed doors, Rachael Ray prefers the sluttier olive oils.",1,en
"So Chris Brown has quit music. Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it",1,en
"i say ' tomato ', you say ' put your hands where i can see them and exit the vehicle slowly ' .",1,en
What did a German say to a Jewish man when he sneezed? Gesundheit,1,en
"It's so weird how everyone's taste buds are different, but only mine are right.",0,en
"What did the gang of dolphins say to the orca? ""Whale, whale, whale... Look what the tide brought in...""",1,en
What do you call a pretend railway? A play station !,1,en
what sock do you put on last? the one that's left .,0,en
What's Bill Withers' favorite day of the week? Lovely Day.,0,en
"I'm now at the point in my married life where I even put toilet seats down in gas station restrooms, just in case my wife might go in there.",1,en
i just tried to woo stephen hawking. but i don't think i pushed the right buttons,0,en
daughter : dad do zombies exist ? dad : no dear they're people wearing lots of makeup. daughter : oh like mommy ? dad : close enough,0,en
What do you call a worried bounty hunter? Boba Fret,0,en
What's the difference between you and the calendar? One doesn't hang itself.,1,en
"A flyer says to another flyer: ""Yo, wanna hang out tonight? "" The other one replies: ""Brochure!""",1,en
"Global bee population is drastically dwindling, what can they do to save themselves? Pretty simple. They need to learn English and say Let us bee!",1,en
"My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts, but there is no interest.",1,en
"What color are Margaery's eyes? Blue. One blew this way, the other one blew that way!",0,en
"What did the food say to the other food, while inside a stomach? I won't digest yet.",1,en
I'm not sure why my girlfriend got mad at me for busting a nut. It's not like I could eat it with the shell on,1,en
What's your grandma's favourite social media? Instagran,0,en
I am a super hero. Every day after work I'm Thor,0,en
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.,0,en
Accidental Seafood I tried dolphin once. but not on porpoise,0,en
Her: OMG! You didn't feed my cat while I was away? Me: Do you remember that time you didn't harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we're even.,0,en
"emotions don't scare me. people who manage to hide theirs completely , do",1,en
being mute. being mute means never having to say you're sorry,1,en
How can you easily spot an optimist? Look for the old person buying green bananas.,0,en
"I was at home with my cousin, seasoning a meatloaf. I put it in the oven. Then I finished seasoning the meatloaf.",1,en
"""This surgical knife isn't sharp, "" ...Dr. Swiftie said bluntly.",0,en
They kept saying the internet didn't run quick enough Well neither did the children,1,en
"well , that's enough internet for the year. see ya guys in a few days",0,en
"they say it's amazing what we can achieve if we all put our heads together but if i could put my heads together, i'd never leave my room",1,en
"despite evidence to the contrary, i still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct .",0,en
Why did the New York garbage disposal unit start using human sized trash bags? So that they could clean things bigger than cardboard. ,1,en
i just got my first grey hair. this is the last time i let grandma cook dinner for me,0,en
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory.,1,en
""" honey , i think i lost weight! "" "" get on the scale , i bet you'll find it . """,0,en
I was in a band called Dark Web. We was always on tor.,1,en
What happened to the number of wrinkled shirts after the iron was invented They decreased.,1,en
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors!,0,en
"Cat: ""What did you get him for his birthday? "" Dog: ""Pant . . . pant!"" Cat: ""Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!""",1,en
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath !,0,en
i have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. there's no limit to how much they can charge me,0,en
Why did the American shoot the river? He heard that fish swim in schools.,1,en
What does a feminist use as a contraceptive? Her personality,1,en
"my friend told me that he saw a bowl so big that it was the size of australia . which i replied , "" wanna know whats also the size of australia? australia .",1,en
"Sure, I'd love to Skype with you. Just hold on a sec while I brush my hair and undergo various cosmetic surgery procedures",0,en
Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl's best friend,1,en
What do you call an orc's wolf with particularly short legs? A Worgi,1,en
"Sometimes when I'm sitting in a swivel chair, I'll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I'm in the opening credits of a sitcom",1,en
"Welcome to the celebrity impressionist club. Please take a seat, there are plenty of Chers. I'll see myself out....",0,en
thank you facebook for putting everyone's facebook page link on their facebook page. i would have never found their page without it,0,en
People say religion is a fairy tale. But fairy tales have likeable characters.,1,en
"swimming "" hey , is that ur kid in the swimming pool? "" ' no , my kid can't swim '",0,en
"""Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor.""",0,en
Can't sleep. Too excited for Arbor Day,0,en
what did the lion say to the rhino? y no legs !,0,en
What Do You Call A Dog With Wings? Linda McCartney,1,en
Check out the best fidget spinner website... autismspeaks.org,0,en
What did Marshawn Lynch say when he went to traffic school? I'm just here so I won't get fined.,1,en
What is a cats favorite website? Reddot.com,0,en
I hope I don't get rheumatoid arthritis. Fingers crossed,0,en
The number of suicidal people is dropping... ...from buildings,1,en
What do toy story characters and women have in common? They are both objects that act like humans.,1,en
"When I'm Sad. I sing, then realize my voice is worse than my problems",1,en
what do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments? a metal band,1,en
""" if you can make a woman laugh , you can make her do anything. "" bill cosby",0,en
diet tip : you are what you eat . do you really want to be celery? c'mon . not even celery wants to be celery .,1,en
"An electron tried getting into a Nucleus ""Sorry, you wrong sub"".",1,en
What is the difference between a rental car and a Humvee? You can take a rental car anywhere.,0,en
what's imaginary that my girlfriend and i afraid to forget? my girlfriend,0,en
What does Joe Pesci order at Burger King? An angry wopper.,1,en
"if by "" social butterfly "" you mean i will take off when you come near me, then yep .",0,en
In a world where you get what rhymes with your name... Candy for Mandy. Cats for Matt... Poor Nick...,0,en
"Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log in and start posting. Hello, darlings",0,en
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you,0,en
Did you know Achilles was a runway model? He was fired because of his walk. He had a problem with heels.,1,en
"Now that Benedict XVI is out of work... ...like all good celebs, he's releasing a fragrance. Expect to see Popepourri on the shelves this summer.",0,en
"About the blind man that took up parachuting. He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't",1,en
"once again, i've forgotten what time class starts threedots when will i ever learn ?",0,en
What do you call pasta with alzheimers? forgetti,1,en
What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken? Roost beef!,0,en
What is a southern aristocratic families favourite dance move? The whip,1,en
whats super mario's favorite website? yahoo !,0,en
"Heading to a pumpkin patch with a cheeseburger. When pumpkins see me eating meat, they let their guard down. They never see it coming.",1,en
what do you get when you shove an iphone into a blender? apple sauce,1,en
My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard. It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag,1,en
"gf : i'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital me : that'll be great, we really need the beds",0,en
"what's the square root of optimus prime? i'm not sure , but it's more than meets the eye .",1,en
Why was the sapling such a horrible entrepreneur? Because he couldn't branch out.,1,en
What happens if a line doesn't get enough Vitamin C? It gets curvy.,1,en
"if you think about it long enough, you'll see that it's obvious .",0,en
What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.,1,en
"Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that's a cat",1,en
i shaved all the hair of my girlfriend's cat. hopefully she takes the hint,0,en
"cats won't give away your position when someone knocks on the door. they hide with you , like understanding furry ninjas",1,en
What did the black hole say to the pulsar? I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation,0,en
did you hear about the nun that bites her nails? you can say she has a bad habit .,0,en
What's common between Hiroshima and Alabama? Kaboom!,0,en
"if you forget what it's like to talk on a pay phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart",0,en
I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings,1,en
did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? it was a dead heat .,1,en
"the best part of the titanic is when rose is holding onto jack and she's all like, ' i'll never let go ' and then she lets go .",1,en
What is Kanye West's least favorite holiday? Easter,0,en
Why did the hick move to a toxic waste dump after winning the lottery? They heard it was a Superfund site.,1,en
what do you call a homeless pigeon? a pigeon .,1,en
why are teachers happy at halloween parties? because there is lots of school spirit !,0,en
The first rice cooker was invented in the USA But it was first used in the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki,1,en
"computers and my spouse are very similar in some ways. if ever there is something wrong , it's probably my fault",1,en
How do crabs get around on land?  They use the sidewalk.,1,en
"The higher pitched my ""hey! "" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.",0,en
what happens every year when the time square ball drops? justin bieber gets jealous .,1,en
i could never cheat in a relationship threedots that would require two people finding me attractive. i can barely find one,0,en
what's the best way to hunt for deer? driving at midnight .,1,en
"What is the thinnest book in the world? ""What Men Know About Women""",1,en
What's the best name for an atheist? Godfrey,0,en
"a man ended up in hospital today , covered in wood and hay , with a horse inside him. his condition is described as stable",1,en
"author : so, i've got this children's book . it's about a hungry caterpillar . agent : pass author : a very hungry caterpillar . agent : go on threedots",0,en
you have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other . what are you? broke .,0,en
What do you call a female lumberjack? A lumberjill,1,en
It's pancake day already? That sure creped up fast.,0,en
How do you say goodbye to German cheese? Velveetazane,0,en
China's economy is doing perfectly fine. I hear it's booming,1,en
"if corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from ?",1,en
Why can you never compromise with a veggie burger? Because they'll never meat in the middle.,1,en
If Paul Walker survived... He would probably be called Paul Wheeler ,0,en
why did the hipster salmon not get to breed? he didnt use the main stream,1,en
A Russian and a German go out to dinner. What do they order? They split Poland. ,1,en
i'm not flirting! its called being nice,0,en
"Is it called zerotasking or notasking? I'd look it up, but that kind of defeats what I'm going for here.",1,en
"Doctor Griffith offers both Veterinary and Taxidermy services. His tag line is ""Either way, you get your pet back""",1,en
Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar? Because they're easier to get at the ballpark.,1,en
What does Ninja and a blind man have in common? They both can't see enough movements.,1,en
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion !,1,en
What do scientists use to measure a chicken's gestation period? An egg timer,1,en
"if a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home .",0,en
The crematorium could tell that the dead man had been a suicidal insomniac... He kept tossing and urning throughout the process.,1,en
want to hear a joke about digging? never mind actually . it's boring .,1,en
escalator literature. a step by step guide to reaching new levels,1,en
"what did john and yoko say when their son wouldn't eat his vegetables? "" all we are saying is give peas a chance . """,1,en
dad : why are your nails painted two different colors? daughter : dad . it's an accent color . dad : threedots dad : can i hear it,1,en
why did bob get fired from his job at the dildo factory? because he got caught sitting on the job .,1,en
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg? A hobblin' goblin,1,en
""" why did your boyfriend return his christmas tie? "" "" he said it was too tight . """,0,en
What do you call a building you can't locate? A warehouse,1,en
a window joke what happens when the man shakes? the windows milk shake !,0,en
"This kid, first name Abe. His last name was Ortion. He died at birth.",0,en
I like my Oreos like a like my children Double stuffed,0,en
Do I have a police record? No... but I have two of their albums on tape.,1,en
what does ramen and ketchup taste like together? poverty .,1,en
"Nice try, black horses not named ShaNeighNeigh.",0,en
What happened to the pie dish that got arrested? He was foiled.,0,en
Why was the high schooler in the gun store? There was a back to school sale.,0,en
How do you know when Helen Keller is home? When you hear somebody falling down the stairs.,0,en
The fish never seem to bite when I go fishing. I guess I just don't have the right allure,1,en
Que hace el pez cuando esta aburrido? Nada.,0,en
where did the universe attend college? at the university .,1,en
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it,0,en
"the waitress just asked , "" still happy over here , guys? "" and i'm not sure how to respond .",1,en
"i like the word "" panties "" so much i'm going to start using it in place of "" cool . "" friend : check out my new car! me : oh man , that's panties .",1,en
what do you call a homeless college student? a philosophy major,1,en
My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock,1,en
What do you call the ghost of a detective? An inspectre.,1,en
"nice try , coworker who offered me coffee. the last thing i want to do at work is be awake",1,en
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.,0,en
Where do you get the freshest buns? Kindergarten,0,en
How do you become really unpopular on Reddit? Tell someone they reposted.,0,en
What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife? Engage.,0,en
me : i didn't get anything this year . do you think santa's magic threedots is running out? wife : santa isn't real me : don't lie to save my feelings,0,en
what's the most oldest joke in the world? the human race .,1,en
Peace in Islam Is like traffic lights in GTA,1,en
it took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day. and it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road,1,en
Why did Batman climb the tree? He was looking for Robin's nest.,0,en
"Why was the man suspicous about the tree? I dunno, it seemed a bit shady.",0,en
"we need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works .",0,en
"If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say... ""Not very good at maths."" ",1,en
"On my recent trip to Germany, I asked the hotel staff to bring me some juice but with no ice. I was served a plate of ash.",1,en
Games are a lot like Boobs Both are made for kids and both a played with by adults,1,en
Q: What did the carpenters call their brass quartet? A: The Tuba Four,0,en
i went to an owl party last night. contrary to my expectations it wasn't very much fun at all,1,en
So I named my dog work Its because I can tell people I come into work everyday,1,en
What kind of peanuts get warts? Planters.,1,en
"ants dancing q : why did the ants dance on the jam jar? a : the lid said , "" twist to open . """,0,en
I pan fried chicken tonight. On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss,0,en
What did the dog bring to party? Wooffies!,0,en
"Margaret Thatcher Said ""If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman."" If you want nothing said or done.. Ask a cat.",1,en
the reason i like twitter is because the ladies on here like being followed. unlike like little miss restraining order down the street,1,en
What was a good thing to come out of China's one child policy? They learned how to abort it the fourth trimester,1,en
which Baldwin went to school? The smart Alec.,0,en
Q: How did a blind woman pierce her ear? A: Answering the stapler.,0,en
I count the time I spend with my wife the same way I count my heart beat... In beats per minute,0,en
"if you are looking for a way to describe olive oil, how about "" yellow and you can't drink it """,1,en
How do you make a sandwich legendary? Make it on dark rye,1,en
Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once? I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.,0,en
"man, i sure am mad about the rising bullet prices threedots now i get less bang for my buck !",0,en
Jesus is not our saviour It's just so happen because God didn't use protection that one time,1,en
What do you call a docks nanny? An Au'Peir,1,en
Why have I never noticed the 'anus' in 'manuscript' before? It's like hearing music for the first time.,1,en
"All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.",0,en
what happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof? he gets stumped .,1,en
what does the hungry monster get after he's eaten too much ice cream? more ice cream !,0,en
"hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn't mean i'm getting old , right? means i'm turning into a werewolf ! right",0,en
what do you call a jamaican motorcycle? bob harley,1,en
I'm going to sell John Lennon memorabilia online. Imagine all the PayPal,0,en
meeting friends for dinner. can't find my phone so i'm bringing along a tv remote to stare at,1,en
"oh yeah bro? that's not what your mom said last night . i don't think so , anyway . it was a long conversation . she sounds well . lovely person .",0,en
What's difficult in priest? Getting inside,1,en
"my girlfriend turned to me and said "" dave , i think we've come to the end of the road . "" "" why? "" i said , shocked . "" we're in a river . """,0,en
"never feel like you're too small to make a difference. after all , a tiny raisin has the ability to ruin everything its baked in",0,en
what is six point nine? a good time ruined by a period .,0,en
Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad,0,en
Some women have mood swings. others have mood theme parks,1,en
How do you drive a baby buggy? How do you drive a baby buggy? You tickle it's feet! :D,0,en
What do you call an actor who has given up civilized life and gone to live in the wilderness? Will Feral. Edit: I tried,0,en
Did you hear about the new Voat mobile app? It's called Reddit Was Fun.,1,en
did you hear about the guy with a fetish for public transportation? he got off at every stop .,1,en
What did one quantum frog say to the other? Quibit.,1,en
"your greatest puns! please , i love puns . lots of puns . any kind . bring em on",0,en
"One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.",1,en
"i can't get out of bed, my fitbit is charging and my steps won't count",0,en
Why was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus.,1,en
"If Robin Williams was a Redditor, he wouldn't go Karma Farming He's go Goodwill Hunting",0,en
How long does it take to eat another banana? A bananosecond,0,en
What kind of cake does a baseball player prefer? A bundt cake!,0,en
I want to tell a Moses joke. but I haven't chosen one,0,en
i had to throw away a whole carton eggs this morning. they were all starting to grow a little fowl,1,en
does anyone know where concentrate is? i've been drinking lovely orange juice from there for years now threedots,0,en
"My neighbor said his dog was impregnated by my dog Django. I said ""No way, bro."" ""The 'D' is silent""",1,en
how to climb a flight of stairs? step one step two step three,0,en
i told my sister a joke about the belts. i didn't know if it would hold up,1,en
I used to work in an eastern european fraud office. I had to check czech cheques,1,en
Go ahead and assume it's a banana; I'm rarely that happy to see anyone.,1,en
I heard there was a website to find missing sausage. But I couldn't find the link,0,en
What do you call a Tumblr user who identifies as a device which inflates a tire? A pumpkin!,1,en
"What did the hipster say when a starbucks opened in his neighborhood? ""You can't gentrify this place! I just moved here!""",1,en
Why is the universe feminine in nature? Because it's made up of galaxies.,1,en
TIL John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife dies so he wrote Paradise Regained,0,en
What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picasso,1,en
What is a ducks favorite snack? Quackers.,1,en
"If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, Would you go to lunch or read the paper?",0,en
What do nine out of ten people enjoy? A gangbang.,1,en
"In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I'm right.",1,en
"i used to complain about the bright car lights in my rear view mirror i removed it awhile ago, and haven't looked back since .",1,en
"THE SUN HASN'T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS ""THAT'S ALL FOLKS""",1,en
What do you call a woman who's not wearing underwear? A barracuchi.,1,en
made a reverse chain letter that said ' delete this email or you get bad luck! ' and then deleted it without sending . then i called it a day .,0,en
what cell carrier do mormons use? virgin mobile,1,en
"i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting, or should i say... very interesting.",0,en
"""..so that's the story of Christmas. Questions?"" Where do turtledoves come from? ""Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..""",1,en
"it's weird to sit and not eat, right ?",1,en
"What's hard to pick up, but easy to put down? A heavy dog.",0,en
Q. Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A. Ihop,0,en
My girlfriend just asked me.. What's an English geologist's favourite fruit? A pomegranate.,0,en
Why didn't Drake head on down to South Park? He would never leave his woes behind.,0,en
What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S.,1,en
"are you seeing someone ? me : are you seeing someone ? girl : um , no. me : not even a psychiatrist ?",0,en
What do you call a musician in the army? A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!,0,en
"Hugh Jackman and Kevin Spacey are sitting at a dinner party.... Hugh Jackman says, ""Hey, Kevin, can you pass the salt? "" Kevin Spacey replies, ""No soap, radio!""",0,en
What kind of bath does frosty the snowman take? An ice bath,0,en
I was surprised to learn that the Israeli form of martial art was Krav maga. I always thought they used JEWjitzu,1,en
""" nietzsche , what's the matter? "" "" nothing . """,1,en
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.,1,en
Girlfriends are like puzzles. The smaller ones are easier to beat,1,en
"i don't care what women say , size matters in bed. the bigger the bed the more room you have to move around",0,en
When your Girlfriend tells you that you make every thing better... I always wanted to be Bacon! ,0,en
I love going climbing with my friends. They never fail to let me down,1,en
What do you call it when an author catches you off guard with innuendo? Surprise subtext.,1,en
i was in a serious relationship once. we never even smiled,1,en
For Father's Day I got my dad a bunch of connectors for copper pipe. I thought it was a fitting gift,1,en
Whats the difference between this sub and jail? Everyone gets locked. It maybe isnt dark but proves a point,0,en
"i ran into a one armed fisherman i asked if he had any luck. he said "" yea caught one this big "" this joke works better in person",1,en
"i'm a take me or leave me kind of girl. wait , where ya going ?",0,en
"I know they live in different comic book universes, but I'd love to see a fight between Batman and my neighbor with the loud stereo.",1,en
an egg just followed me. now i just need some bacon,0,en
"Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don't even walk into the right room",0,en
How much is an emo kid worth Depends. First you got to scan the barcode on his wrist,0,en
i'm writing a song about milking a cow. it's all quarter notes,1,en
I remember hearing about this actor that lost all of his money and was locked up after a huge scandal. I'm pretty sure it was Nicolas Cage,0,en
Neil deGrasse Tyson will no longer be hosting NOVA. Looks like they had to cut deGrasse,0,en
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?  A golden receiver...,0,en
what's common between a crying baby and a gun? you must not bring either to the movies .,0,en
knock knock who's there ! bond ! bond who? bond to succeed !,0,en
customer : why doesn't your menu list prices? waiter : we didn't want to make you sick before the food does .,1,en
Two cops walk into a bar and tazor everyone inside... What sexual orientation were the patrons?,1,en
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys Except in china,1,en
"when people don't make sense , listen to music. it always does",1,en
Where was the male lion's favorite vacation spot? Maine,0,en
what did the rock say to the other rock? im hard,0,en
When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games? The Wii hours of the morning.,0,en
a man started telling people he was a piece of fruit. everyone was convinced he was bananas,1,en
"I am proud to announce that my girlfriend and I are pregnant! Now, I just need to find a way to tell my wife..",0,en
Cars are like babies They become less desirable and attractive with age,1,en
"we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of 'prolly' try 'probababably.'",0,en
""" sorry we're late . we had to stop so i could pee . "" "" for two hours? ! "" "" yeah . it came out really slow . """,0,en
"i finally started writing the book on herbs i've been putting off for so long, i guess it's threedots : looks directly at the camera : "" about thyme """,1,en
I lost my ruler and my work after drawing a graph. I think they were plotting something,1,en
why was the little boy crying at the diamond store? he went to jared,0,en
Yearly subreddit survey Post a comment if you think the mods are doing a good job ,0,en
"Do I still have feelings for my ex husband? Yes. I think ""stabby"" is a feeling, right",1,en
What do a creationist and a dude with a dinosaur bone fetish have in common? They both get a hard on when they find a gap in the fossil record.,1,en
If I was a boss anywhere my job interviews would consist of only one question: who do you play as in Mario Kart,1,en
"If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.",1,en
Why are radios cheaper in Scotland? Because the boxes are battered and and the speakers are fried.,1,en
"We shall never know the good a simple smile can do? good quote, but i already know what it can do. In fact the evidence in still in the boot of my car ",0,en
How do you catch defish? With debate.,1,en
i bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when i'm speaking. i hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it,1,en
how many cats does it take to make a fur coat? none ! cats can't sew !,0,en
"kosher sausages i bought some, does anyone else's miss a little bit of skin at the top ?",1,en
"I wish my phone would stop correcting omg' to OMG', I'm not that shocked.",0,en
what do you get when you cross a busy road with a broken leg and a blindfold? hit .,0,en
"What is common between foreplay and a construction site? There is always an ""erection"" in progress.",1,en
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born. Life is crazy,0,en
My blind friend complained I was putting things in his way. He'll get over it,1,en
me : congrats! i heard you got married again her : sorry i didn't invite you . it was a small ceremony me : its ok . i'll go to your next one,0,en
AI is the same as American intelligence Its artificial,1,en
"After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.",1,en
"RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey. RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.",1,en
Have you seen www.boomerang .com? Yes I return to it again and again.,0,en
Ive always wondered what goes through a kids head when they're involved in a school shooting Bullets. Turns out it's bullets.,0,en
"Why do uniformed soldiers need to eat their fruits and vegetables? If they don't, they'll be irregulars.",1,en
"never reach into a girl's purse . anything could be inside, a bear could be in there . you just don't know .",0,en
Why was the composer late for work? He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.,0,en
"""making decisions"" Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? . Student: Well...yes and no.",1,en
"I hate street performers. Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk",1,en
How do you get to the top of a weather beacon? Climate,1,en
My daughter just lost her first tooth. Let's just say she's not touching my PlayStation again any time soon.,0,en
"A family of ducks walks into a church. ""Hi, yes, umm...I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread? "" The father asks timidly.",1,en
"lpt: when cooking chicken , it needs a lot of support alone , it tastes absolutely fowl .",1,en
"i asked my waiter how long my pizza would be threedots his reply was, not very long .",0,en
I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out,1,en
Don't you hate it... when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus,0,en
"Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the ""Grease"" soundtrack",1,en
what kind of cell phone doesn't have a lock? a nokia,0,en
"I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him. I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal",1,en
"The club can't even handle me right now. Like, the club's just had a very emotionally draining day and the club's been in a weird place",1,en
What is Shaka's favorite Japanese food? Shakitori!,0,en
i just bought an answering machine! what should i ask it ?,0,en
"Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character's idea, it's really just the author praising their own idea.",1,en
What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes? Social netwerking,1,en
"if you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly .",0,en
"Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school... Never to be heard from again...",0,en
"remember , christmas isn't about how big your tree is , or what's under it. it's about who's around it",0,en
"When I was a child, my family was so poor... ...that at Christmas, we exchanged glances.",1,en
Have you seen www.usedmatch.com? Yes but I didn't find it striking.,0,en
The darkest colour Yeah let's see what you'll do now,0,en
I don't think I will ever find a stable job. Because quite honestly I'm very uncomfortable around horses,1,en
"Did you hear about the Scooby Doo villain who became an Olympic swimmer? He would have won, if it weren't for all those medaling swimmers!",0,en
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn't recognize. Go on without me,0,en
What happens when you throw a flash bang at an epileptic kid? They do the Harlem shake,1,en
did you hear about the irishman who tried to swim the english channel? halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back .,1,en
"What is Cersei Lannister's favorite American city? Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.",0,en
What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty? Faith lifts,1,en
Why can't Z generationers swim? Their phones would get wet.,0,en
"Impotence: Nature's way of saying, ""No hard feelings""",1,en
"what's the difference between cats and dogs? dogs have owners , cats have staff .",1,en
I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it's a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet,1,en
What do you call pregnant woman in an earthquake? Maracas,1,en
Started comparing overweight people using a graph Created a Guntt Chart,1,en
I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses,1,en
My favorite clean joke: What do you do when you stub your toe? Call a toe truck.,1,en
What did Water say to Fire when they met for the first time? Shhhhhhh.,0,en
Who were the first people not to read the apple ToC? Adam and Eve,0,en
What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again? Au nevoir.,1,en
"The guy who developed Fractals. The guy who developed fractals was Benoit B Mandelbrot, I heard the 'B' stood for 'Benoit B Mandelbrot'",1,en
What's the world's longest recipe? Anne Frank's diary,0,en
"I recently found out that they are reviving Full House. The show is called Fuller House, but Bob according to Bob Sagat, its called Filler House",1,en
Today Reddit finally removed reposting. I guess that's why there's no front page,0,en
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex. I'm the real part.,1,en
My kitchen timer broke. good thing I wasn't counting on it,0,en
"My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked. There was a diamond in the ruff",1,en
what's the difference between my wife and the dress? the dress is white and gold,1,en
Kraft have just opened up a new factory in Jerusalem. They've called it 'Cheeses of Nazareth',1,en
"when your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails .",1,en
"i got my wife tickets on a cruise ship. it's no titanic , but i'm optimistic",1,en
i heard they made a movie about the connect four game. i think it was called the human centipede,1,en
i just told a cow that he's being watched. i always like to make beef stew,1,en
How do you buy a good rope on the internet? The less reviews it has the better,0,en
what do you call a walrus that's been hit by a bus? dead .,1,en
Him: Your beautiful.... Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT,0,en
"What is Link's favorite Final Fantasy character? Zell, duh!",0,en
What is anne frank's favorite rap song? Straight Outta Oven,1,en
how do you get a horse out of jail? hay bail .,0,en
"my dog asked what it was like to be human, so i told him that talking was a good start .",1,en
what did the letter f say when he became cool? sup g,0,en
What kind of investments do musicians make? Sound investments.,1,en
"I went skiing yesterday. I didn't really enjoy it. I got to the top of the chairlift, but it was all downhill from there.",1,en
i went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week threedots i won't be doing that again. joke by tim vine,0,en
"im not trying to brag or anything, but i just got invited to play candy crush on fb",0,en
What do you call a lad that put on his glasses? Seymour.,1,en
What kind of khakis do birds wear? Khakaws!,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who died of an epileptic fit? He had a very flashy ending,1,en
School was boring until the quiet kid showed up. The day ended with a bang!,0,en
"Why are oceans called ""The High Seas""? Because of all the seaweed!",1,en
What is the definition of a Barbarian? It's someone who cuts hair in a library.,1,en
in theory there is no difference between theory and practice. in practice there is,1,en
How do IT technicians prefer to be paid? Cache in hand.,1,en
"mcdonald's french fries are not real food . just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect . tasted fine, too .",1,en
My grandmother died and left me a tomato. I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms,1,en
What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed? I trussed you.,1,en
"When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.",1,en
How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same? They just can't help themselves.,1,en
What do you get when you make a train engine happy? Locomotivation,0,en
A forest was cut down for a furniture company A lot of those trees are just shelves of their former selves.,1,en
good kid joke . lame adult joke . knock knock . who's there ? salad . salad who ? it's the salad! lettuce in,0,en
Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.,1,en
"Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader",1,en
"So I visited Pakistan last weekend. I heard a lot of fireworks as I drove, and the locals must've loved it judging by the screaming.",1,en
What is the key to bragging about time travel? A Flex Capacitor.,1,en
"When people say ""To be honest. "", it means that up to that point they've been lying",1,en
Spelling joke: Why isn't Maths good for your health? Because you gain mass while doing it.,1,en
Q: What do you call a blonde sky diving team? A: A new version of the lawn dart's game.,0,en
MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We're good here,0,en
which boxer did darth vader put his money on in the fight? the thai fighter,1,en
What is Scooby Doo's favorite program language? Ruby Ruby Roo!,0,en
Why did my Exotic Bird Startup Store fail? I didn't have enough seed money.,1,en
"Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule Dubreak, Dubai.",1,en
why did the bird go to the restaurant? tweet !,0,en
What's a shy and retiring accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.,1,en
"What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.",1,en
"If a duckling is a baby duck, I don't want to eat dumplings.",1,en
What state of mind descriptor is Dennis always in? Leary.,0,en
Feeding all of China is a very simple task. Let's just pay our little old pal Clifford a visit.,0,en
Did you hear about the man who faked leprosy to get charity handouts? It was a leper con.,0,en
Did you guys see the stock prices of brussel sprouts today? They really blew up....,1,en
"i was going to do a liam neeson joke, but i feel like the best ones have already been taken .",0,en
Me: bedtime! Brain: you're hungry M: no I'm not B: thirsty then M: nope B: uhh sad? M: doing ok B: you forgot to do that thing M: nice try,0,en
I'm Cherokee and German. I can walk a trail but I can't finish a race,1,en
Whats similar with a smart fridge and a christian woman? You need to sign a contract before using them.,0,en
"""Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. "" Only Vincent responded",0,en
"I stepped on a table at the office and told a lame joke. Surprisingly, everyone laughed. My pants were open.",1,en
Q: What do little trees say on Halloween? A: Twig or treat.,0,en
"You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do. Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well",0,en
How many drums does it take to make a good ska band? Nobody knows.,1,en
What is it called when there is bread all over the place? An abundance,1,en
"A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.",1,en
"I woke my wife one night and said ""The force is awakening."" She replied, ""Not tonight Hand Solo.""",1,en
What's Liam Neeson's least favourite day of the week? Black Friday ,0,en
What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.,0,en
"Contact Ad ""Seeking man with ponytail. Hairstyle doesn't matter""",1,en
i just shook my keyboard upside down. breakfast is served,1,en
What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys,1,en
What do you call a disabled person committing a drive by? Handicappn.,0,en
"Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her ""Im a lawyer.Or AM I? "" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle",1,en
"If you think you're bad with words, imagine the first guy to say ""There there"" when consoling someone",1,en
"My family said if I don't get a Facebook, they'd all get a Twitter I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind I'm the Jesus of social media",0,en
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision? Flipper coin!,0,en
Why did the jellyroll? He saw the apple turnover.,1,en
What do bunnies do when they get married? Go on a bunnymoon,0,en
"Working at subway is a good job for women All they do is stay in a kitchen, clean, and make sandwiches.",1,en
"Can someone please tell me why comments are disabled? Send me a message, i seem to have missed something",0,en
why do single people take dating advice from other single people? that's like stevie wonder giving ray charles driving directions .,1,en
"nine months from now we'll have an adorable, pooping reminder of the night the internet wasn't working .",0,en
my brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. he got a trophy,0,en
What do you call a pie that has cream A creampie,1,en
Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds? Old habits die hard,1,en
what is the richest beverage? juice .,1,en
what does ellen pao have in common with the girl's mom from ' the sixth sense '? the both have no idea why everyone stopped talking and just stared at her .,1,en
"dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. consider other things , like , do they have a lot of money",1,en
whats the difference between taylor swift and adele? about fifty pounds,1,en
have you seen the joke about the carpenter that had to fix a fence? i believe it was a repost,0,en
What does peanut butter and blondes have in common They both spread for the bread,1,en
My dad left to get a pack of cigars He came back tho,0,en
The word nun is just the letter n... ...doing a forward roll.,1,en
"Packing for a trip, Husband says I don't need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I'm coming back",1,en
Needed some supplies for school Luckily the gun store had a back to school sale.,1,en
"now i can't wear my nude crystal dress this weekend. thanks , rihanna",0,en
"say what you want about skiing threedots threedots but the sports going downhill, fast !",0,en
"when i go to starbucks , i tell them my name is marco. when my drink is ready and they call my name , i just keep saying polo",1,en
"Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.",1,en
hey you guys! last chance to date me before i call it a day and start wearing socks under sandals .,0,en
Did you hear about the guy that had mountains for legs? He also had a Pyrenees!,0,en
what do spiderman and i have in common? we both end up with sticky hands after using the web .,1,en
"I usually prefer buffets to a la carte restaurants. Someone once asked me if I enjoyed Italian restaurants, and I said, I prefer Italiacan restaurants",1,en
An exciting thought just popped into my head. There are going to be some killer estate sales this year!,0,en
Riding a big girl is like riding a moped. Its okay until someone sees you,0,en
how long does it take a satellite to reach uranus? bend over and i'll show you .,0,en
Dolphins are intelligent Intelligent on bread with some mayonnaise,1,en
"If Jesus had been discovered to have no risen, what would this be called? Resurectile dysfunction.",1,en
"Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air. No, me either",0,en
main : what a guys number one girl is. he fails to tell her about the others,0,en
What's one TV show where you're guaranteed never to see an orphan? Family Feud,0,en
tifu by taking a shower. i wonder if they've noticed it's missing yet ?,0,en
why cant paul walker use tumblr? he only sticks to the dashboard,0,en
"it's surprising how little people change actually the process isn't that different, other than the tiny clothes",1,en
My teachers are like my girlfriends. They are both best between periods,1,en
"Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them",0,en
have you heard about the internet couple that broke up? they just didn't click together anymore .,0,en
How do you get straight As? By using a ruler.,1,en
can someone explain why the caveman spongebob memes are funny? serious question not a joke,1,en
I heard mac miller was going to drop some fire sometime soon He dropped.......,0,en
Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today. He just yelled at me,0,en
"Looking forward to another rocking New Year's Eve with Ryan Seacrest, which is what I named my full body pillow.",0,en
what do you call someone who specializes in trains? a trained professional,1,en
"I was walking along the road the other day when I saw a dead, baby ghost... ...however if I think about it it was probably a handkerchief",0,en
They asked if I wear boxers or briefs. Depends,1,en
What do butchers bring when they get sent to prison? Fresh meat!,0,en
What do a fretless bass and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.,1,en
what is the best way to lose money? a : lend it to greece .,0,en
i would give yall a darkjoke but i ran dry just like my hopes and dreams river,0,en
I like my wings like I like my Caitlyn Jenners. Boneless,0,en
"""Wow, I haven't showered since last year! "" ""Haha good one, but it's not the new year yet"" ""I know...""",0,en
"Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics...",1,en
"did you hear there was a stick up on the bridge? yeah , they don't know how it got up there considering there are no trees there .",0,en
Where are PCs formed? In the computerus.,1,en
What's the pope's favorite power tool? A cathedrill,0,en
why did the scientist study soda? because he was a physicist .,1,en
People say you can't live without love. i think oxygen is more important,1,en
what is superman when he removes his suit? man .,0,en
my brother's looking for a girlfriend. trouble is he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself,1,en
what do you call the largest angle? a kurt angle .,1,en
Be careful in traffic with your pasta car. You wouldn't want it to get al dente,0,en
can someone please check on cleveland? i'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time .,0,en
What does Jeffrey Epstein and a painting of Jeffrey Epstein have in common? They don't hang themselves,1,en
what font is alphabet soup produced in? times new ramen,0,en
"my shake weight came in the mail today! boy , was that a mess .",0,en
What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite kind of jacket? A Pullover!,0,en
Why did the investment bankers start dating? Compound interest,1,en
how did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? he used a skeleton key .,1,en
What do Badgers and Gynecologists have in common? they both like to root around in your cellar,1,en
Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn't drink you back. It doesn't make sense,1,en
did you hear? they found a new use for sheep in texas . wool .,1,en
you can't live on cheetos and oreos alone. but god knows i've tried,0,en
"My job is affecting my mental health Whenever I put my welding hood on, the world just seems like a dark place...",1,en
"How to get a divorce Wife: Honey, how do I look? Husband: Like a.. Well, great! Wife: Good great or bad great? Husband: Overflowing sewer grate.",1,en
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.,1,en
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate BAAA,1,en
why do american tourists talk so loudly? so that they can hear each other over their clothes,1,en
i have the attention of a goldfish. it's been staring at me for a few minutes now,1,en
you guys wanna hear a joke? lil wayne,0,en
A bunch of electricians threw a party It was lit ,1,en
Why was the New Englander so intent on looking for his khakis? Cuz he needed to pahk da cah in da yahd.,0,en
I like my women like I like my Star Wars. Ruined by George Lucas,0,en
What did Napoleon say on the rollercoaster? Ouiiiiiiii!,0,en
"My wife asked me to teach her to use the snowblower. I said, ""How about we start with the vacuum""",1,en
"i never knew much about people until i took one apart, just to see how it works .",0,en
Why does Kylo Ren decline all my raid invites in WoW? Cause he been solo.,0,en
what does bob the spider do for a living? he's a web developer .,1,en
"Being a ""Hopeless Romantic"" sounds kinda depressing. ""Pull my chair out for me? "" .. ""I'd love to, but I've given up.""",1,en
what does the bee santa claus say? ho hum hum !,0,en
In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water,1,en
Love thy neighbor all through the day. but first make sure her husband's away,0,en
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.,0,en
What do they eat on the set of a chick flick? Romcomnoms,0,en
When you rearrange the letters of post men... They become most pen.,1,en
we're working on saving our second million. the first one didn't go so well,0,en
I wish more people were into Solipsism. Seems like it's only me.,0,en
when does a gas become a liquid? when it stains your underwear .,1,en
"do you know that the coast guard requires that you be at least six feet tall? so that if your ship sinks , you can walk back to shore !",1,en
"so we can send men to the moon, but we can't get a button that let's us edit a typo on a tweet after its been sent ?",0,en
how are you getting on with the internet? surf far so good .,0,en
How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish? One testtickle,0,en
My classmates admire me because I do not believe the earth is round. It is quite flattering. ,1,en
What do you use to find Greek restaurants? A gyroscope.,1,en
I made a joke about happiness Most people didn't get it ,1,en
Several people dancing around a pen... What is the movie name? Independence Day,0,en
what kind of father names their child adam? a scientist .,1,en
What time is Wendy's packed? Black Friday,0,en
I suggest We all leave this subreddit and someone makes a new one,0,en
My friend told me he was going to live underground. I said to gopher it,0,en
What happens when a leper takes a bath?  Oatmeal,0,en
i gave a homeless guy some cheese today. i feel gouda ' bout it,0,en
What do you call a ghost detective? An Inspectre,1,en
Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? I used to really love tractors.,1,en
Why is it that pieces of wood you find on the beach are always so smooth? They are well sanded.,1,en
"if i had an ice cream truck, it would turn into a regular truck in about a half hour .",1,en
What's the world's biggest cheese grater? The fences at Hillsborough Stadium,0,en
My friend from Pakistan surprised me on my birthday It was such a blast!,0,en
Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am,1,en
What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common? They don't want to pay for mods.,1,en
Obesity researchers have discovered a new approach to solve the problem. They are now focusing on just making people taller,1,en
We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog,1,en
Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist? ... On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.,0,en
What do you call a pokemon that's part train? A Pikachoochoo.,1,en
I registered to a website for constipation sufferers. It won't let me logout,0,en
"When You point at someone. Rest of your fingers point at you. Well, not if you point at Hitler.",1,en
It's really easy to be picky on Tinder. Sometimes I swipe left just because I have dirt on my screen,0,en
"everyone leave this place Seriously why are people still on this sub, I'm leaving after this post",0,en
"A local convent, which had no security system, suffered a kidnapping. No fence, nun taken",1,en
"""Will you please stop chasing heavy women? "" ""I am not chasing them...they just happen to land on me and I cant get up.""",0,en
"what does apathy sound like? i'm ellen pao , ama",0,en
"after a few days without my phone , i've learned what's really important in life. my phone",0,en
Every day I wake up and smile. Because I'm one day closer to death.,0,en
"No one realizes when someone says, ""The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,"" that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.",1,en
"When I was younger, everyone used a wristwatch, but now everyone has a clock on their phone. How times have changed",1,en
Why couldn't the poop get flushed down the drain? Because it was deterred.,0,en
How are push up bras and bags of chips the same You open it up and it's half empty ,0,en
My friend told me she made synonym buns I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.,1,en
"just learned an important lesson: when texting "" wish you were here , "" that last e kind of makes it or breaks it .",0,en
What do you call a burial chamber full of Moose? Moosoleum.,1,en
Who is modern fiction's most notorious serial killer? George R. R. Martin.,1,en
"I don't lie. I have, however, invented my own language which uses a lot of the same words as English but with somewhat altered meanings",1,en
"As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?",1,en
"I lost a few pounds today,. but when I lifted up my shirt I found them again",1,en
why is it easy for light bulbs to travel? because they pack light .,1,en
Why did the librarian hush the mime? Because actions speak louder than words.,1,en
Michael Jackson is very similar to Disney World They both like to give little boys happy endings.,1,en
Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.,0,en
I get really bad anxiety when driving over bridges. My therapist says I have truss issues,1,en
"If the main character of ""The Walking Dead "" spared every human, would he be called... ... Pacifist Rick ?",1,en
I was talking to a Hiroshima survivor about his near death experience. He told me he saw the light,1,en
What's racercar backwards? Paul Walker's career.,0,en
What's Gabe Newell's favourite game? Angry Nerds,1,en
"Meatloaf will do anything for love, but he won't lose weight.",0,en
Have you ever taken a road trip to the Seagate factory? It's a hard drive.,1,en
"this homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it . yeah i get it, you have more money than me . quit it .",0,en
"If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there",1,en
Hope they send us home early; I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to work today.,0,en
I'm not gaining weight. I'm losing wavelength,0,en
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar? He was really good with his chord changes,1,en
"Cup half filled is optimist, cup half empty is pessimist Cup empty is Africa.",1,en
What's a zergling's favourite newspaper? The Guardian.,0,en
Whats the best thing about dating a Cleveland Cavaliers fan? They never expect a ring,1,en
I just bought a piano off the TV. It came from the Chopin Channel,0,en
"Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare.",1,en
baby: what you can sleep like if you dont have one .,0,en
A girl went to a cobbler for suicide tips. Because he knew how to tie the knot.,1,en
"How do vegans say, if they wanna go on vacation? Lettuce go to the peach",1,en
here's my review of the sun: one star .,0,en
I bought some new speakers today. I think I made a sound investment,1,en
"I did bad and I should feel bad What do you call a group of dead, visually impaired people? Horizontal blinds.",1,en
Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.,1,en
"women are like the call of duty games. if you play them for too long , you'll end up alone",1,en
How do elves spell? With an elfabet.,1,en
What do you call a skater in the dairy isle? shredded cheese,1,en
What's the difference between women and depression? I haven't beaten depression,1,en
"knock, knock . who's there ? tuna . tuna who ? tuna violin .",0,en
What do you call an old barometer? Weathered.,1,en
If there is anything in this world to be happy about. Just be glad that the tastebuds are at the front end,0,en
"I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas",0,en
Not exactly a joke but I feel it had some creative value to it Proceed with friction,1,en
"When Jesus was crucified, what was the cause of death? Cross Contamination",1,en
"My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don't mind. I take it with a pinch of sugar",1,en
what's green and lives in the cupboard? last year's hide and go seek champion,0,en
What does a lightbulb and a classroom have in common? You have to move the trigger to light it up.,0,en
Why do people in tumblr like quantum computing? Because it's non binary,1,en
"If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.",0,en
"Why is the sky blue? Son: Dad..Why is the sky blue? Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.",0,en
What kind of rodent DDOS attacks Al Queda's Twitter account? An anonimouse,0,en
"I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, ""This is as good as it's ever going to get. Buy some relish.""",1,en
what is small furry and smells like bacon? a hamster .,0,en
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.  It was an autobiography...,1,en
"What is the best thing about Dwane ""the rock"" Johnson's physique? Nobody takes him for granite.",1,en
"me : omg , i haven't seen you in so long! her : we've never met . me : that long huh ?",0,en
"Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.",1,en
"Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We're going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.",0,en
"two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example .",0,en
"Why wasn't meek mills phone working? Because it wasn't ""charged up""",1,en
My science teacher taught us about gravity today. It was such a heavy subject to take,1,en
have to make a funny comic for french class. any topic suggestions ?,1,en
boss : why did you call off yesterday? me : you said i should do what's best for the company . boss threedots me : i'll take that promotion now .,1,en
Online dates are like recipes. they never look like the picture,1,en
"I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, ""I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."" Then when people ask me what it means...",1,en
how is a man like the weather? nothing can be done to change either one of them .,0,en
What do you call a booth babe at Apple's events? ICandy,0,en
Who lost a herd of elephants? Big bo peep !,0,en
"Why did reddit's admins go back to school? because they can't spell ""read it"".",1,en
"Can't speak for all women but generally I'll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport",1,en
What does an illustrator say to his girlfriend on Valentine? I'm font of you.,0,en
I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor is beyond me,0,en
what did the mountain climber name his son? cliff,0,en
"What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes? ""Blew."" One blew over there, and one blew up there",0,en
Q: What do you call a tree from Tulsa? A: An oakie.,0,en
Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was no earthly good !,0,en
"Whenever you see a sword swallower perform, it makes you wonder what sort of activities they used to do to make them realize they had this talent.",1,en
When should funerals occur? Mourning,1,en
"Between my gf and I, she's funny but at least I exist.",1,en
The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich. And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad,0,en
"Marriage, Or as I like to call it; The wonder years Wonder why she is mad this time Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn",1,en
"Earth asks Mars... ""Why has Venus been so distant lately? "" Mars answers ""shes been under a lot of pressure and has really bad gas""",1,en
I found a note in a vase a year ago and was to meet someone here for money. No I didn't,0,en
what do cows say on halloween? still moo .,0,en
"if u watch snowfall backwarbds, its abot the ground disolving into the sky to reveal the complex world it was hiding beneath it",0,en
what kind of gun does a firefighter have? a water gun .,1,en
"What do you call it when Drake suicides? Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, jumpman",1,en
how many babys do you need to fI'll up a trash can? it depends on what month she is on,0,en
what do you call a broken boomerang? a stick,1,en
What does Batman do on Father's Day? He oh...,0,en
What's a buddhists favourite curry? Chicken karma,1,en
I wear a diaper for two reasons. Number one and number two,1,en
did you hear about the new bolt the apple company made? the eye bolt,1,en
What do you call the one nice teacher at your school? Collateral.,1,en
"Remember where to put your commas kids. There's a big difference between helping your old uncle Jack, off his horse",0,en
do you like hot women that scream in bed? check out the burns unit at the hospital .,0,en
why did the pacifist stay away from cows? To avoid unnecessary beef.,1,en
An ice bucket challenge. But for when teenagers don't want to get out of bed and get ready for school,1,en
"Most irons aren't made from iron, which ironically is both ironic and unironic.",1,en
"my company is hiring someone for a business development, sales and marketing position threedots they're gonna call the new hire the bdsm executive .",0,en
"to some, it's known as "" soda . "" some call it "" pop . "" some even order it as "" coke "" or "" cola . "" the spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names",1,en
"Hey girl, are you a group of integrable functions? because I would love to find the area under those curves",1,en
there was a girl in my town that fell out of bed and died. I heard she was drop dead gorgeous,0,en
facebook : losing friends. twitter : gaining friends instagram : gaining weight,0,en
What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert? He was forced to resort to excessive violins.,1,en
"Why are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.",1,en
An Elvis impersonator had to cancel a show because he got some terrible family news. He was all shook up,1,en
i wish i had a job. that way i could spend all day tweeting when i should be working,0,en
"A dog is similar to a banana... ... if you bite it, the mushroom overheats the toaster",1,en
Roy Hodgson has some really important decisions to make now. Like if he wants a window or aisle seat,0,en
"I'm in the Guinness book. Not the world records one, the one at the brewery that's says which people are not allowed back",1,en
"was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. easy there indiana jones , i will just google it",0,en
"No Brett, I didn't even read that email. I'm not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning",0,en
"sorry, my dog ate your text message .",0,en
What do insects and someone you just broke up with have in common? They're in your house and you don't want them there.,0,en
What is the deal with the mods? All I see is people complaining about them but what did they actually do?,1,en
"I've invented a new flavour of crisps, if they're successful I'll make a packet.",1,en
"I asked Hitler how his dating career was going for him. His response: ""Love is baking""",1,en
Got a job cleaning up leaves. I was raking it in,1,en
"Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are",0,en
How much does a German weigh? Teutons.,1,en
"if you press "" up down up down left right left right "" on the soft spot of the baby's head, they do a super move .",1,en
you want to know the only thing wrong with rap music? it doesn't have a c in front of it .,1,en
Why are gardeners good at spreading religion. Because they can plant churches,1,en
Did you guys hear about the new business shopping center in Pepto County? They're calling it the Pepto Biz Mall,1,en
Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.,1,en
"my wife used to be a regular customer at mcdonalds. these days , she's more of a large",1,en
Whats the world's shortest book? An Ethiopian cook book,1,en
Home alone. Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like,0,en
"How is Jesus different from other carpenters? Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day",1,en
"marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. for instance , i've learned that i don't need to use so many paper towels , and they're expensive",1,en
"why doctorates are better then MBBS, the pee HD",1,en
A crowd started gathering around the car accident with the bagpiper. Twas so unfortunate he was kilt,0,en
So I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar. and accidentally wrote a One Direction song,0,en
What is west saharan favourite number? Data not avalible.,1,en
""" national no bra day ""? i say pics or it didn't happen day .",0,en
"i am giving up a few negative people for lent . so , if you call , text , facebook or email and i don't get to back to you? odds are it was you .",0,en
A Lizard lost its tail. but it got one back from a retail shop,1,en
Not sure why but I suddenly came over sleepy the other day Turns out dwarves don't like that kind of thing.,1,en
what tv game show do fish like best? name that tuna !,0,en
I use to have crabs. Until the bigger bugs ate them,1,en
Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book? It was Wei Tu Long.,1,en
What shoes do kidnappers wear? White Vans.,1,en
"I almost always wear black. Not because I'm depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I'm single and don't want to separate laundry",1,en
What can make food but can't eat? My grandma.,0,en
What do you call a failing brand? Calvin DeKlein.,1,en
"sometimes i feel like i've traveled back in time, and that i'm not supposed to do anything that screws up a future that i've forgotten .",0,en
what do you do if an elephant breaks his big toe? call a big toe truck .,1,en
"My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming Help me, Superman. Help me! ' and then I run away, unexplained.",0,en
What kind of pie can fly? A Magpie.,1,en
what do kings call musical chairs? a game of thrones .,1,en
"LEAVE THIS SUBREDDIT. That is all,",0,en
I Heard that the Afterlife in Greek Mythology was Pretty Boring. I wonder why Hades didn't liven things up a bit,1,en
"What did Jennifer Lawrence say to Julius Caesar? ...""May the Ides be ever in your favor.""",1,en
Mother's day Even rapest celebrate them,1,en
what do you call a handjob from a rocket scientist? a stroke of genius .,1,en
Why didn't one chef listen to the other one speak? Because he had bigger fish to fry. ,1,en
If you have a referee in football what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!,1,en
"what did the miner say when he struck gold? au , yeah !",0,en
beards eventually grow on you. title,0,en
Have you heard about the recent abnormal growth in cancer clinics? There are tumor down the street.,1,en
Why do environmentalists iron their clothes? To decrease the material being used,1,en
"What's six feet tall , silver and stands at the end of kids beds? Gary Glitters boots.",0,en
What's the best thing about being Ethiopian? You won't have to be for very long.,1,en
I walked into a male underwear store for a quick second. I had a brief encounter,1,en
"Anyone seen ""Captain Phillips""? If not, I have a pirated copy you can borrow.",0,en
"just saw the hood of my jacket out of the corner of my eye and jumped out of the way, in case the navy seals are hiring .",1,en
I'm not racist. I have a color TV,1,en
"My friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it",1,en
why did the dinosaur walk on two legs? to give the ants a chance .,1,en
know why jedi don't get married? because they know divorce will be with them . always .,1,en
I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity,1,en
"shock me, say something intelligent .",0,en
I visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant today. She read my Psalm,0,en
did you hear about the slow chef at the speed bake off? he would have won if he had just a little more thyme .,0,en
"before mustaches were invented, people had to just guess who owned a water bed",1,en
why did the artist put on a show of horse paintings? he wanted to mount an exhibit !,0,en
Waiter is there soup on the menu? No madam I wiped it off !,0,en
What do You Call Someone Who Self Harms In The Antarctica? An eskemo.....,1,en
"Mom: you failed your english test, didn't you? Me: who telled you",0,en
"I wouldn't say I'm emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.",1,en
Why did Misty want to sleep with Brock? She saw his Onix harden.,0,en
"People say kid cost money Of course they do, they fetch quite a high price if you go to the right places.",1,en
you can eat all the curry you want threedots freddie is eating more curry! sorry,0,en
What do Jesus and corn dogs have in common? Both are best served on a wooden stick!,1,en
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? Pitch for prosciutto,1,en
what kind of appointment is always at the wrong time. dis appointment,0,en
nutella. a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas,1,en
"My teacher is always complaining how I'm a late comer. My mom, on the other hand, loves that about me.",1,en
What's the difference between a Warlock and a Sorcerer? Apart from the Spelling,1,en
What did one end of the rope say to the other? We were bound to get together...,0,en
What did one sandstorm at a nude beach say to the other? Haboob,0,en
What do you call it when a woman bleeds during her last day in prison? Putting a period at the end of a sentence.,1,en
Last month I lost my camouflage hat. I'm not sure how I should feel about this,1,en
Ellen Pao reminds me of this guy I know. His name is OP,0,en
I was asked to give a motivational speech But I just don't feel like it.,1,en
What is the Ape monster's name? Godzilla Gorilla!,0,en
"Subaru... ... spelled backwards is U R A BUS. Say it, then thank me.",0,en
I used to be a skydiving instructor. I dropped out.,1,en
what does a man with one leg wear to the beach? flop .,1,en
what do you call an actor that has just paid off his house? mortgage freeman,1,en
"LPT: if you are lost in japan, ask for soy sauce. it will shoyu the way",0,en
I put the Christmas tree in our bed. Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome,0,en
at what age did the world's greatest sushi chef begin his training? tuna half .,1,en
"after every snowstorm, animals must spend a few brief moments wonderimg if nature has claimed back the world and the humans have finaly gone",0,en
how does a barber avoid getting hair in his food? by giving her a brazilian wax first !,1,en
"Hey. quick question, fellas: Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them",1,en
"what does it say on the door of the microsoft store? no shirt , no shoes , no surface .",1,en
What does a smart Mexican share with a Unicorn? They're both fictional.,1,en
"My grandfather used to say things like...  Red sky at night, air particles scattering a specific spectrum of the sun's light emissions through refraction.",1,en
"This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea",0,en
"According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.",1,en
My wife went to get a pap smear It was a mood killer when going down on her I found leftover cream cheese. ,1,en
What did you call a man eaten by lion? Just comment witty answers please.,0,en
"How can you check if a person is autistic? You go into their Reddit search history and look for a ""!lock"" comment",0,en
"So in this upcoming boxing match, Soulja Boy is being trained by Floyd Mayweather Where as Chris Brown is just getting another girlfriend to train on",1,en
Which part of a birch tree makes it better with autonomic functions than others? Their betula oblongata,1,en
Some of the best things in life. are mistakes,0,en
my girlfriend is not a library book you hear that guys? stop checking her out .,0,en
How do you know that Hogwarts is feminist friendly? The entrance is a dumbledore.,1,en
why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly? so he could look at others ' faces .,1,en
the pirate missing a hand was looking for a replacement. i suggested the second hand store,1,en
How does a doctor cover mistakes? With dirt,1,en
how did the blonde burn her ear? the telephone rang while she was ironing .,1,en
Fisherman: What are you fishing for sonny? Boy: I'm not fishing I'm drowning worms.,1,en
"my wife is like a desert wind she rarely blows, but when she does it's dry .",1,en
i just freaked out! i woke up from a nap to find that my phone and wife were missing . it's all good though . i found my phone .,0,en
what is the only thing standing between me and being rich? i haven't hit reddit gold yet .,0,en
Taking your dog walking is a great way to meet women. But what if you want to find woman who's alive?,0,en
What does the O in Reddit stand for Original Content,1,en
"how many times does a woman laugh after you tell her a joke? three . when you tell it to her , then when you explain it to her , and then when she gets it .",0,en
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food? Snakes and Larders !sna,0,en
Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!,0,en
Are we sure that we're supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I'm discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.,0,en
Where does a guru get his sandwiches? New Delhi,1,en
"I don't really have a ""blood type. "" I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance",1,en
who would win in a fight between muhammad ali and stephen hawking? parkinson's,0,en
On a Lighter tone mod isn't that bad Sry mod has a darker tone apparently.,1,en
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her,0,en
"A spider just crawled onto my keyboard. Don't worry, it's under ctrl",0,en
"before records were invented , people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself",1,en
tupperware: when you want to throw out your food some other day .,1,en
"When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised.. It was a bee.",1,en
NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks,0,en
"Sometimes I feel like a pelican Whichever way I look, I can see a huge bill..",0,en
"The Pink Panther's To Do List To do...To do...To do, to do, to do...To do, to doooo... Saw this on The Doghouse Diaries today and it made me laugh... Edit: Formatting",0,en
"me : i know it hurts, but you'll learn to love again . sheep : i don't know . i can't even look at ewe right now .",0,en
Blind people are so lucky They get to see everything in dark mode,0,en
Where do Danish cows come from? Cowpenhagenf,1,en
What the difference between a baby and a duck? If you drop a duck its fine,0,en
what do you call someone whose body is only muscular on the right side? a male truck driver .,1,en
What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer? The horses name was friday,1,en
How do you find Elon? Follow the scent of his Musk. ,0,en
What did King Trident say when he stepped in the whale poop? OH CARP!!!,0,en
Why is Steve Jobs middle child unemployed? Because he's always inbetween jobs.,1,en
What's the worst thing that can happened to an orphan. They weren't always an orphan.,0,en
"People often say ""icy"" is the easiest word to spell... ...and, looking at it now, I see why.",1,en
did you hear about the shirt that needed to lose weight? it runs big .,1,en
Biker mimes If a group of mimes forms a motorcycle gang. Do they have to drive electric bikes,1,en
"My car's tank is on E and I'm still driving. Call me crazy, but I think I just beat the system",0,en
Cliffs are so great. But they have one downside,1,en
"oh really, carol ? it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown ? how many muscles does it take you to mind your own business",0,en
why didn't chris brown make any headphones? he definitely knows how to make a good beat . i will show myself out .,0,en
what do you call dora the explorer in an iron man suit? fedora i'll see myself out .,0,en
not a joke. i just wish more jokes were shorter,0,en
"the spanish word of the day is wheelchair . ex . there's only one donut left, so wheelchair .",1,en
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.,1,en
What do you call a boring taco? Aburrido.,1,en
Why did the crow go to the gym? To work on his caw strength.,1,en
My girlfriend finished all my french fries. I couldn't KETCHUP,1,en
"What did the voltage say to the current? What's up, ohmie",0,en
"why was the little drop of ink so sad? because his father was in the pen , and he didn't know how long the sentence was !",0,en
"this woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. thanks hun , but wrong finger !",0,en
"Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words",1,en
I've had a fan installed inside my head...  It's blowing my mind...,0,en
A new vaccine has been developed to prevent fox from contracting rabies. Not many are getting the shot though. Only one... Fox in eight,1,en
What do you call guns used in school shootings? School supplies,1,en
When applying for a job in the hair industry. Do you have to hand in your Tresemme,1,en
What would a cow write in its private log book? Dear dairy diary.... ,0,en
"whats the point of calling it "" secret santa ""? everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is santa .",1,en
"When I was young, my mom's sister used to bake me cakes with lots of icing and cream. She was a fond aunt",1,en
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.,1,en
what do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up? slow clap .,0,en
How do you stop your teen daughter from shivering in the cold? Let her wear some clothes.,0,en
what happens when the batman sees catwoman? the dark knight rises .,0,en
"If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.",1,en
what's the difference between a bull and a cow? a bull smiles when you milk it .,1,en
what is white and twelve inches long? nothing,0,en
so summer is coming up and i think i'm in good enough shape to pull off a two piece. the hardest part is just chasing her down,1,en
"Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour",0,en
Suicide isn't funny Unless it's done by Robin Williams. ,1,en
Why don't astronauts take anything seriously? They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...,1,en
"lawyer : your honor, i'd like to approach the bench bench : i have a boyfriend",1,en
q : what did the tire say to the tire? a : i'm tired !,0,en
When I was a kid. 'Too cool for school' meant the boiler had broken and we were all sent home,0,en
"i don't know why people dislike roman numerals. i , for one , like them",1,en
"How many sexual orientations does a physicist have? Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom.",1,en
What's the difference between Ireland and America? When we say waterboarding in Ireland it means surfing.,1,en
How did scientists learn to make glass from lizards? It was clear from the gecko.,1,en
I have the mind of a German Shepherd and the body of and old man... ...and they are both in the trunk of my car.,0,en
why is it hard to buy potatoes on the black market? because there are eyes everywhere !,0,en
a good woman is like home wifi: full of knowledge . always there for you . used by your roommate when you're not there that's right amy i know,0,en
"i went to the doctor and i said , ' have you got anything for wind? ' so he gave me a kite .",1,en
"I once went on a field trip, we had to sign a waiver saying not to feed the animals... We went to a cotton plantation.",1,en
"Can I get a football meatlong? With please, cheese.",0,en
been watching television without eating. i feel like i'm working,1,en
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!,0,en
What's the opposite of a mango? Mancome,0,en
What do you get if you cross the Internet with a currant bread? Spotted click,0,en
Children are the sweetest. Babies are quite salty and adults are bitter.,1,en
i don't see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower's job to clean me,0,en
how do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher? calculator !,0,en
The Marines are a department of the Navy. The Men's Department,1,en
"during an argument with my wife , she dropped the old "" why did you even marry me? "" line . apparently "" your sister was already taken "" was not the right answer .",1,en
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.,1,en
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it  and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.,1,en
Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.,1,en
Who is Samuel L Jackson's favorite historical figure? Oedipus,0,en
"Your Bio says you like music. That's amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.",0,en
"My friend sayed he is getting a covid test I said ""i hope you pass""",1,en
What flour does an orphan use? Self raising,1,en
"You know, the world doesn't revolve around you! ...because it'd take too long if it did.",0,en
what's the name of the car of a hipster batman? tumblr .,0,en
"When I first got my puppy I called him Barky Bark. Now he's grown up, so he's just Bark Wahlberg",0,en
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives,1,en
I recently read a news which said the only white giraffe and her calf was killed in Kenya. But how was gorillas able to look something so tall???,1,en
""" where does it hurt? "" the doctor asked . "" right ear "" replied the englishman , pointing to his broken ankle .",1,en
"how do you make an elephant fly? first , you get a great big zipper threedots",0,en
What do you call the grounds of a university that specializes in teaching neuroscience to hippopotamuses? Hippocampus!,1,en
Where do Eggs keep their holidays pictures? In a photo albumen...,0,en
waiter waiter! there's a wasp in my dessert . so that's where they go to in the winter .,1,en
"You can't go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White's apple and your ex",0,en
Some people say Glenn Frey got pneumonia from the cold. But that can't be true because he said the Heat is On,1,en
Why did Charles Darwin become a scientist? He was just playing to his strengths. It was really a natural selection.,1,en
"I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.",0,en
Air Jordans are good... But I'd like to see Air Kobe.,1,en
"Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.",1,en
"pull a prank on your boss by not showing up to work ever again, instant classic",0,en
Did you hear Chewbaca won the NFL MVP his first year in the league? It was a great Wookie season!,0,en
how does the sexiest man in the world tell a joke? like this .,0,en
"George Floyd's next album George Floyd was a rapper. His next Album, ""BreathTaking""",1,en
My hair is tied up It's got a lot to do today,0,en
My best friend back home just had his first kid but I also will be giving birth today. to some relatable content,0,en
Just got my wife a matching bag and belt set for her birthday. Let's hope the vacuum cleaner works better now,0,en
"""Daddy, I want to watch Dora."" Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets",0,en
I really feel like having some pancakes... maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling.,0,en
"tanning blondes two blondes walk into a tanning salon . the receptionist asks are you two sisters? they laughed and replied , no we're not even catholic .",1,en
"You heard of Knickers the giant cow, right? Now say ""Knickers"" in an Australian accent",1,en
What is the best thing about altzheimers? Making a new friend everyday.,1,en
Axe blay Is ethey away ootay asay ackblay uralizedplay in Igpay Atinlay,0,en
"I was almost close to climaxing when I yell to my kids ""Dinner is almost ready!""",1,en
why can't keanu reeves eat his soup? there is no spoon,0,en
"I walked into a clock shop and asked the owner if he could order in a clock for me. ""Of course, mate. What time would you like to pick it up?"" ""I don't know...""",0,en
Musicians don't use symbolism They use cymbalism ,1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Balloon ! Balloon who? Balloon velvet !,0,en
Why are there different species of hyena? Isn't every hyena we've discovered a spotted hyena,1,en
so i ordered the best of pitbull cd off amazon. all i got was a blank cd,0,en
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise,1,en
what's another term for a miscarriage at a diner? Runny eggs,1,en
how many square feet of pizza can you eat? trick question . pizzas are round .,1,en
Why the Pianist didn't cross the road? He kept his progressions suspended.,1,en
How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling? He looks into his lover's 'I's.,1,en
My brother said he was going to adopt ten African children I was glad to have ten new additions to our Christmas tree.,1,en
What type of ion do Chemistry students in America study most? Ammunition.,1,en
What do some burger eaters have? A Hardee appetite!,0,en
That billionaire from New England is innocent. He thought he was buying a hookah. ,0,en
"What do you call blueberries, raspberries and strawberries inside of a hidden chest? Berried Treasure.",1,en
I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event! More on this story as it develops,0,en
How often do you use algebra? Equationally.,1,en
"it's christmas eve, not christmas steve !",0,en
""" you've changed . "" "" i know, i'm a transformer . """,0,en
"I'm in the middle of inventing emo playing cards. You have to shuffle them, but afterwards the deck cuts itself",1,en
"this drag race is not at all what i expected. are they in dresses inside of the cars , at least ?",1,en
why does everybody love honey? because it never gets old .,0,en
The truth about physical abuse and being around your loved ones is... They often go hand and hand.,1,en
"say what you will about human beings, but we did invent ice cream .",1,en
"maybe , "" only if you're taking me to dinner "" wasn't the best response to , "" is this going down? "" to the guy on the elevator . flirting is hard",1,en
i finally realized i could no longer keep my broken money making machine. it just didn't make cents,1,en
"guy one : "" bro i missed the first world war threedots "" guy two : "" don't worry man, they made a sequel "" guy three : "" i heard it bombed in japan """,1,en
I think that men and woman are equal They both taste the same,1,en
What's upside down and downside up at the same time? A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia,1,en
"Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street. If you run away, you probably won't get hit",1,en
What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over? Olympus has fallen.,1,en
why does spider man so great with his stunts? because he is peter parkour,1,en
what's the difference between a philosophy major and a cashier at kfc? a job application .,1,en
Why do scholars use big words? To avoid circumlocution.,1,en
Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better today! Camper: It should I practised all night,1,en
I always hang out with my imaginary friend. People used to think I'm crazy talking to myself in public. But everything is fine now; I wear airpods.,1,en
What is McDonald's demolition service called? Quarter pounder.,1,en
"I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother's room. I can't believe it... she's a superhero!",0,en
So how do monks stay warm in the snow covered peaks and whatnot? they have a shawl in temple,1,en
I was looking forward to a new Linkin Park album... They really left me hanging.,0,en
The UPS guy tried to tell me a joke but I just didn't get it. Left after Attempted Delivery,1,en
What were XXXtentacion's greatest hits? His women.,0,en
wanna up the awkward while standing in line? turn around while you wait .,0,en
Why your Crush Don't give any reply to your texts ? Because she might be busy doing some work given by her owner.,1,en
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.,0,en
my plan if there is a draft: put a coat on .,0,en
why is owning a dog better than being in a relationship? my dog can't tell people when i beat it .,1,en
"lpt : if you're single this weekend , remember threedots name your hands and you'll have an instant threesome! happy valentine's day",0,en
"my gf asked if i liked her more than i like chicken, and all i could say was "" well i have known chicken longer threedots """,1,en
I simply love my anti gravity machine. It never lets me down,0,en
"God took a paternity test He found out he was the father, the son and the holy spirit.",1,en
Eating a rock is actually good for you. It's full of minerals!,0,en
I drew a yacht on my brother's body with a permanent pen. Now he's got a ship on his shoulder.,0,en
"if you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator .",1,en
Shout out to amphibians. Swimmin' swimmin' swimmin' then BAM! walkin' walkin' walkin',0,en
"The internet is amazing One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a new job",1,en
Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry? Because it's always on a sundae!,0,en
What's a nymphomaniac cook's least favourite ingredient? Italian dressing,1,en
What is something cheap but only owned by rich people? Poor people,1,en
"to all you letters that want to be before p in the alphabet, join the q .",0,en
to understand the difference between italians and canadians all you need to know is two things. italian sausage and canadian bacon threedots,1,en
What do you call an ant who can't play the piano? Discordant !,1,en
What happens when you pass gas during church? You sit in your own pew!,0,en
What has six teeth and an eye patch? My wife after asking for a divorce.,1,en
"Guys, I know Michael Jordan very well... .. He just doesn't know me.",0,en
i was driving along the other day when suddenly a deer ran out. i have no idea how it got in my car in the first place,1,en
What did Ahab yell out to Moby Dick as it swam away? Catch you later!,0,en
Which operetta make the Gorilla crack up? Nutty Marietta!,0,en
BIack Could some human being please try to comment to see if it works?,0,en
"i keep getting calls telling me that i have outstanding bills threedots threedots and while i appreciate the compliment, they're really nothing special .",1,en
what's the most dangerous weapon your wife can get her hands on? your credit card .,0,en
"i'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like, but i'm sure the mass will be the same .",1,en
"what did the manager say to the comedian who was messing around? hey , no more funny business !",0,en
"""You don't open up bras very often do you?"" she asked me.... ""No"" I replied, ""What gave it away?"" ""The scissors...""",1,en
How did the farmer move his cows? In a mooving van!,0,en
I think I'm psychic. Now now I know what you're thinking,0,en
"My wife's resting in the garden. Well, at rest",0,en
A Gingerbread Man Veteran. lost his legs in 'Nom,0,en
i slept in the kitchen last night . why? because i wanted breakfast in bed .,0,en
How do you always keep your shoes tied? Replace the laces with earphones.,1,en
Why did the train sound effect album get derailed? The tracks were unfinished.,1,en
You never realize what have till its gone. Toilet paper is a good example of this,1,en
Everyone keeps talking about tragedies but then does nothing about it. Just like this post,0,en
What does a Super Star Destroyer wear to a formal occasion? A bow T.I.E.,1,en
I bet women love the first dimension. It's allllllllllllllll length,0,en
"I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.",0,en
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental,1,en
"I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn't want to throw it away, so I just added ""ish"" to every number",1,en
Space may sound romantic. But I'd never take a date there; there's no atmosphere,0,en
what do you call a pen with no hair? a bald point !,1,en
what is the definition of a goose? an animal that grows down as it grows up !,0,en
I have this obsession to check whether the oven is off and the doors are locked. I really hate my job at the crematorium.,1,en
"""Excuse me sir, but there's a Bohemian knight here to collect his fee."" ""Tell him the check is in the mail.""",0,en
"Man, prices at Target are at an all time low They took my breath away, tbh.",0,en
"yesterday, i got food poisoning i don't know when i'll use it",1,en
My opinion on mediums where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged? I'm forum.,1,en
"Apparently being poor is genetic, my son loves bologna and thinks pants are optional.",1,en
"why would batman always beat superman? because , being rich , bruce wayne can ride a horse properly .",1,en
Wife. I'm going to bed. Me. Nooo! Don't leave me alone with the fridge.,0,en
"I queued up for ages to get cod earlier... ...but they sold out, so I got a battered sausage instead.",1,en
"It's so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me. Yeah, I'll go with that.",0,en
I love corn! It's a food that always amaizes me.,0,en
My wife said she didn't want to die alone  So I buried our daughter with her ,0,en
"the less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired .",0,en
"I tried on a parachute at an extreme sports retailer the other day, and asked my girlfriend how I looked. ""It suits you down to the ground"", she said",1,en
what did the sea say to the river? you can run but you can't tide !,0,en
"if you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen .",0,en
"time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty .",1,en
"TIL if you say ""gullible"" very slowly it'll come out sounding like ""oranges"". Gotchya!?",0,en
everything always ends well. if not it's probably not the end,0,en
Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland? Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.,0,en
"Whats the difference between lost sailors and a successful businesswoman Ones men blown off course, the others blowing men of course. ",0,en
"Excited for Tuesday. Inception is releasing a DVD, inside of a Bluray, inside of a digital copy, inside of a dream, inside of BestBuy",0,en
"my dog is disabled so i have to hold him up when he pees. long story short , i'm getting really good at writing my name in the snow",0,en
How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal? They're both famous for stuffing baskets!,0,en
I love coming with my sister when she goes shoe shopping. Other people watching is a real turn on!,0,en
"This year's Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it's gonna end, but let's all pretend it's suspenseful",1,en
Where did the Grim Reaper find his missing keys? On Death's drawer.,0,en
Why were Popeye's forearms so big? Because Olive Oyl was saving herself for marriage.,0,en
how can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? it's a little meteor .,1,en
My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks. Yet after two weeks I'm still asian,1,en
Q: What has four legs and several fins? A: A happy bear!,0,en
q : why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? a : because she loved children .,0,en
"if you walk up to me with a plate of food and say "" matt? "" my name will always be matt .",1,en
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel? Their username checks out.,0,en
what does it mean if you find a horse shoe? some poor horse is walking around in his socks .,1,en
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.,1,en
A person died laughing. This tale is told posthumously,1,en
What did one pee drinker say when he surprised the other pee drinker? Urine for a treat!,1,en
"i still use the word "" dude "" . i don't give a dude . i don't use it right, but i still dude it .",1,en
What kind of cereal does Microsoft make? Wind O's,0,en
How do blind people know their in school? They hear the gunshots,1,en
What does a depressed friend tell to other depressed friend? Wanna hang out,0,en
The new stars wars episode has been named Episode seven: return of the lens flair,1,en
"be strong, i whispered to my wifi signal .",0,en
What do you call a traffic jam full of English teachers? A full stop.,1,en
"An ancient Greek walks into a tailors with a torn pair of pants: ""Euripides?"" Asks the tailor. ""Yeah, Eumenides?"" Replies the man",1,en
why did the run on sentence think that it was pregnant? because its period was late .,1,en
I play Jenga on the first date. so she knows my pull out games strong,0,en
"God's son died single, but he'll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.",0,en
What is the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? The blonde is easier to spread!,0,en
Oxi clean Oxi clean gets the tough life out!,0,en
what do you get when you dry out a stark? raisin bran,0,en
Happy New Year everyone. and may your worries this year last no longer than a Kardashian marriage,0,en
"Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact... Eat two, Brute.",1,en
What works in a circus walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat !,0,en
What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth !,0,en
What do you call a Skyrim fan that is good at CSGO? Nova'kiin,0,en
why did the wave fail the driving test? it kept crashing on the beach .,1,en
What do you call Tinder for ghosts? Tinder,1,en
"Watched Avatar again and long story short, can you untie my ponytail from this horse?",0,en
a reason why we can't have a perfect world: because i don't want one .,0,en
What do you call a reindeer trapped in a storm? A Thundeer,1,en
"Why don't gelding horses like to race? Because every time they go to the starting gate they're reminded ""They're Off!"".",1,en
"A lot of people ask me if I had aspergers. I'm like ""what? No. I use beef like everybody else""",1,en
you know the person in exercise videos that's doing the easy version of everything? i'm the guy behind that person eating chips .,0,en
"Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was ""reduced fat"" so basically it was like going to the gym.",1,en
dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. does anybody know what age you're supposed to pick them up ?,1,en
What did the bun say to the hot dog? I relish the fact that you've mustard the will to ketchup to me!,0,en
"Ah Toronto, the only city where the leaves fall in autumn... ...and the Leafs fall in the spring",1,en
"if you are going to taco bell for a diet, you have a bigger problem than your weight .",1,en
Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces? Submarines.,1,en
What do you call someone who is great at casting. A Mastercaster hahahahahah,1,en
Who seduces all the ladies at the swimming pool? Don Juan de Marco Polo.,1,en
"wanna hear a joke? sleep . i know , i don't get it either",0,en
"A man is talking to his mate about his dog... Man: My dog loves Snow Patrol songs! His mate: Really? Man: Yeah, he loves Chasing Cars.",1,en
"the best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you .",1,en
Why is rotten egg the best comedian? He's got a funny yolk.,0,en
"just ate so much burrito that halfway through, i couldn't remember a time when i wasn't eating a burrito",1,en
I'm so glad that Twitter keeps track of my number of posts. It is so refreshing to be able to properly quantify my wasted time,1,en
Have you heard of the new band The Transmission Lines? I hear they have so much potential.,0,en
"if i ever ask you , very seductively , "" do you wanna do it? "" it means take a nap .",1,en
Who's your favourite fictional author? Mines Anne Frank,0,en
why did amy schumer go to a psychic? because it's the only way she'll ever get near a medium .,1,en
Part time lover Is any benefit of part time lover. Scheduled time for any,1,en
"I never really understood what the ""blue screen of death"" meant But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense",1,en
"Tim buck two One day, my mate Tim and I went camping, we met three girls in their tent. I bucked one and Tim bucked two",0,en
"What's a white emo girl's favourite laptop? The Razer Blade. Not the Stealth model though, they really like showing it off.",1,en
"The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward's anger.",1,en
you know that awesome feeling when you finally understand a word problem in math class? me neither .,0,en
When i play the song Down with the Sickness I remember the children with Down's Syndrome,1,en
"i'm very good to my wife, everyday i'll run the hot water and put the bubbles in for her threedots just to make doing the dishes that bit easier .",1,en
What is a ghost boxer called? A phantomweight.,1,en
"A pop star who summons ghosts, AKA. Seance",1,en
what's the difference between a van and a minivan? a van picks up kids . a minivan picks up your kids,0,en
where do theatrical cats wear their gloves? on their threedots dramatic paws,1,en
What's similar for an orphanage and a cave? You can navigate both using a bat,0,en
What did Missy Elliot say to Tony Abbot? Is it worth it,0,en
Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God... what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died.,0,en
How is Naruto like a Twinkie? It's all fluff and filler,0,en
why is it easy to talk to people who earn little pay? because they make cents !,0,en
"What's Kevin Spacey's favorite song? ""Here Comes The Sun.""",0,en
What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.,1,en
"why does my computer always ask me if i'm "" sure "" about stuff? yes , i want to delete my hard drive .",1,en
My daughter wanted a pet and I couldnt afford it So I just let her name one of the kids in my cellar,0,en
What is small furry and brilliant at sword fights? A mouseketeer !,0,en
What does Ebenezer Scrooge serve at his Christmas Party? Humburgers!,0,en
What is a similarity between netflix and my girlfriend A number of people so big i lost track of are users.,1,en
"that awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "" act natural, you're innocent "" .",1,en
Why could the crab not find a pair of shoes in his size? Child labor laws forced all the shoe factories to shut down.,1,en
Little kids are so lucky; they don't have to pay rent or wear deodorant.,1,en
Girls are alot like olive oil They are best taken raw and extra virgin,1,en
"Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me. Me: Yup, that's how digestion works",1,en
what do i say when my favorite spice knocks on the door? cumin !,0,en
What do cats love to read. catalogs,0,en
"What do you call a foot doctor, curled up in a ball on the floor? A pedal physician in the fetal position.",1,en
"There's blood everywhere, hands and feet cut off, what happened? Columbus Day happened",0,en
I'm a Mime rapper I call myself Gnat. Cause I'm a silent G,0,en
The difference between Jazz Hands and Blues Hands. The number of fingers and where you tell people to put them,1,en
"if you know someone who has too many kids, buy them a game of jenga so they'll learn to pull out",0,en
I started microfinancing my money to get better savings. It just made a lot of cents to me,1,en
i always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! threedots he's dreaming too .,0,en
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...  I know where to draw the line..,0,en
what'll happen if a piano is dropped on a man? he will b flat,1,en
"I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....",0,en
"Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.",1,en
Why didn't Napoleon qualify for the urgent marrow transplant? They couldn't get his bonepart,1,en
Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.,1,en
what is the difference between a turkey and my wife? i stuff the turkey before eating it .,1,en
What's pink lives in a sty and drinks blood? A hampire.,0,en
Is it just me or has this whole third sub thing gone too far? I can barely finish eating one sub. Let alone three,0,en
What kind of TV show do felines watch? Catoons,1,en
You probably didn't hear about the power outage in New York City. I think the news should have shed more light on it,0,en
Where do Dalmatians get their music from? Spotify.,1,en
"My friend says he needs to get hydrated immediately. Well, water you waiting for?!",0,en
"Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying ""If you keep making that face, it's going to get stuck that way"" being true.",1,en
"The Home with the Most Cockroaches Is the Home of the brave, and even if they seal their entrances they will never get rid of them",1,en
The dishwasher is making a strange noise. Probably because she's outside shoveling the driveway,1,en
What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye? Miss Treatment,1,en
"During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.",1,en
"without geography, you're nowhere .",0,en
Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid. but it was just a fossil arm,1,en
"Oh, so you don't know how bright this flashlight is? Let me enlighten you.",0,en
why did the orange fail school? it couldn't concentrate .,1,en
"if i ever go missing , it won't be hiking. you guys don't even have to look there",0,en
I shot my first turkey today! But for some reason everyone in the frozen food section acted really surprised.,0,en
I think my wife is overdoing her lent observance. She won't even toss my salad,1,en
"no matter how many times i see it, i never tire of an italian woman yelling at a guy named anthony in public .",1,en
Did you hear about the teacher who lost her child? Her names Ms. Carriage,0,en
what side of a leopard has the most spots? the outside,1,en
Was The Little Mermaid directed by a pilot? Because it's mostly Ariel footage.,1,en
"ama request floyd mayweather never mind, it would take him a year to finish the first comment .",0,en
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!,0,en
What do rich people have none of but poor people have lots of? Skin pigment ,1,en
Scientists have discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart...  They described it as a blast from the past...,1,en
"just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday, never again !",0,en
"is it "" lying in a puddle of blood "" or "" laying in a puddle of blood? "" lol who knows , but yeah seriously , send an ambulance right away .",0,en
She threw her vibrator on the subway tracks. It didn't work; the train didn't come any faster,1,en
Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket? I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!,0,en
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above,1,en
"my friend told me he broke my lamp he said i hope you're not mad. no , im delighted",0,en
Did you hear about the awesome new Corey Hart cover of Sunglasses at Night? By Stevie Wonder.,0,en
I was wondering why everyone at school was forming small groups... ...and then it cliqued! I'll show myself out.,1,en
"i said , should we go to my place? she said , "" come to my house tomorrow , no ones gonna be home . "" i went to her house . no one was there .",0,en
what is stevie wonder's favorite key to play in? c minor,1,en
""" there's plenty of fish in the sea "" is just something people say because you're going to be alone. fishing is something you can do alone",1,en
What's green and explode? A grenade,0,en
What is Homer Simpson's favorite rapper? A. Butter Finger,1,en
"Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring It was one ring to rule the mall",0,en
I ate a dictionary the other day.... ever since then I've had thesaurus throat,1,en
A football supporter's favourite Christmas song? 'Yule never walk alone',1,en
I always considered myself to be a brilliant lover.... .....then I found out she had asthma.,1,en
So it's been a few days since Phil and Ken got married under Irish law. And already Phil wants to Kilkenny,0,en
Have you seen www.shelterfromtherain.com? Yes but it doesn't really stand out.,0,en
my home pregnancy test came back negative. i guess my house is just getting fat,1,en
"I wonder if Morgan Freeman will be too busy narrating his own birthday party, to actually be able to enjoy it?",0,en
"everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts , the legs open .",1,en
"I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, ""Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in.""  ""No problem, Sir. This is called the lobby.""",1,en
I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally,1,en
Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female? Because they're never wrong,1,en
I have such a hard time trusting people. It's not easy when they try to escape from your basement every chance they get.,0,en
"Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn't over once you reach land.",1,en
"are you single too? don't worry , you're not alone . actually , i guess you are .",0,en
"I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again",0,en
"sometimes i think we are capable of great things as a species, but then i notice how many people can't put their shopping cart away .",1,en
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward,1,en
"i don't always talk to west point graduates threedots threedots but when i do, i ask for a side of fries .",1,en
What is a tick's favorite fruit? Lime.,0,en
Sun Tzu's The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes,1,en
"i've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves .",0,en
"i like languages that pronounce all the letters in their spellings. no secrets, just each word an open faced sandwich",1,en
what does an american call a canadian dollar? a quarter .,1,en
Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow,0,en
""" where is the remote? "" "" all the way over there . "" "" guess i'm watching this . """,0,en
I don't like Haikus; But I like ironic twists I am conflicted,1,en
i love my alarm clock. it's the reason i get up in the morning,1,en
What do you call a bread that's not too bright? a dimwheat,1,en
"an attractive man on the internet called me pretty , so i sent him my finger nails in the mail. i'm so nervous lol what if he doesn't reply ?",0,en
Cher puts out an album only covering Meatloaf. Title: Cher the Meatloaf,1,en
"how is college like a woman? it takes forever to get in , and nine months later you wish you hadn't come .",0,en
I never thought I'd qualify for the Nudist Olympics. But I barely made it.,1,en
"chuck norris does not eat honey, he eats bees .",1,en
"I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it's important.",0,en
"i'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds. i'm calling it "" cds nuts """,1,en
"Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.",1,en
I used to rub my hair together when I was stressed. But now I'm dreading the consequences,1,en
I sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show,0,en
You know what I love about people who buy followers? I can laugh at their expense.,0,en
when is paint free? when it's on the house .,0,en
What do you call something troublesome under your roof? Problematic.,1,en
"""A couple should always resolve a problem before they go to sleep"" But when would they get to sleep? ... When the other one is dead.",0,en
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah!,1,en
"College: Now that you're making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?",0,en
"What did the Redditor say when... What did Redditor say when asked why he failed his PSAT test? ""TL;DR""",1,en
"question : what did the dead raccoon say in his will? answer : "" leave it to beaver . """,1,en
there are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens . how many didn't? ten of them .,1,en
On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.,1,en
"So, they're going to combine Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter into one website. It's going to be called ""YouTwitFace""",0,en
I feel really bad for people who can't walk. They can't climb the stairway to heaven. ,0,en
One good thing about the polar vortex? Their homeless people problem is solved.,1,en
What shirt size does Bill Gates wear? Excel.,0,en
What's the greatest souvenir you can get from visiting africa? Water,0,en
"look mr . tech support dude , you asked if i had any more questions . sorry if "" what are you wearing? "" wasn't what you had in mind .",1,en
The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon. How many galleons did the get to the mile !,0,en
"Hey, bud. Who's Charles Foster Kane's favourite character in Titanic, bud? It's Rose, bud.",0,en
"Poor Brain. It got to named itself, but was dyslexic, so Brian it was not",0,en
"My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight. Frankly, I'd rather cut the Obgyn",1,en
"An emo girl in target asked ""what am i even worth?"" So I scanned her arm.",1,en
How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side,1,en
"While getting the newspaper, I thought the neighbor admired my new boxers a bit too much. 'Til I felt a breeze. And remembered a button.",0,en
"Online dating is hard. Every time I try to date someone online, they end up in jail.",1,en
What is the new fad diet for ghost developers? The Boolean.,0,en
"""Doc, it's embarrassing, but I don't feel sexy."" ""Try wearing the wife's panties."" ""Really? "" ""Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice""",0,en
"If you have that loud keyboard clicking sound enabled on your iPhone, give me your phone. You don't get a phone",0,en
what do you call a chicken at the north pole? lost .,1,en
is there a mouse in the house? no but there's a moose on the loose !,0,en
What do you call a famous cow? Legendairy,1,en
"Birds wouldn't be so smug in zero gravity, I bet",1,en
PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like,1,en
"Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.",0,en
Gaming keyboards are no better than regular keyboards I said it.,1,en
What do you call a sunburnt santa? Crisp Cringle,1,en
There was a body of a man found in a manhole in New York. Authorities determined his death was a sewercide,1,en
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar? A Moosician!,1,en
"BANISTER A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. ""What are you doing? "" he asks. She answers, ""Warming up your dinner.""",1,en
What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle? Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.,0,en
"direct quote from my daughter : "" i know horses can play soccer really well because they're fast. "" thank god she's pretty",1,en
"A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond ""Could this night get any worse? "" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth",1,en
"My ex wives were all good housekeepers.. ..When they left, they kept the house.",1,en
I like my friends like I like my coffee. I gave it up for lent,0,en
What popular board game do dyslexics hate? Scramble,1,en
"Rosh Hashana is coming along just fine. When the rabbi start to toot his own horn, i thought he would blow it. But he did a good job: Shofar, so good.",1,en
Have you seen the new globe they're making? It's revolutionary,1,en
Why didn't the construction worker like to get wet? Because he didn't drywall.,1,en
A wise man once said that no joke is better than a bad joke. Exactly.,1,en
What did the groundhog's trainer tell him before the Olympics? Gopher gold.,0,en
"What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.",1,en
My ex gf works for subway. Now all i gotta say is make me a sandwhich,0,en
Jeffrey Epstein is my favorite musician... He writes all of his songs in A minor.,1,en
where are most fish found? between the head and the tail !,0,en
So FedEx and UPS merged. the new company will be called FedUp,1,en
"in case you wondered what married life is like, my wife is yelling at me for making her forget why she was yelling at me .",0,en
"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When your wife gives you lemons... Make sure she hasn't gone senile.",0,en
Q: Where do books eat dinner? A: At the table of contents.,0,en
How do you tell if your car was made in Asia? The headlights are slanted,1,en
"Cats REALLY hate dryers. However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy",1,en
me : a bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing. liam neeson : how did you get this number ?,0,en
"With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.",1,en
How could you tell that the figure skater was a mathematician? Because of the Fibonacci sequins.,1,en
What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common? All of the avengers show up for their endgame.,1,en
My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means,1,en
where do cotton balls come from? male cotton plants,1,en
my daughter loves blowing bubbles which is funny because our dogs name is bubbles,1,en
How do you make Peppermint Creme? Finger it really well.,0,en
What kind of chocolate swims in the ocean? scubGodivas.,0,en
Why is Batman undefeatable? Because he was coached by Liam Neeson.,1,en
"after ironing my shirt i noticed it was depressed, i still can't believe it hung itself though .",1,en
Why so serious? A lady asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends ... on whether she was trying to kill Batman or not.,1,en
What kind of trees watch kids in Mexico? Baby cedar,1,en
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street. he just roundhouses any cars that get too close,1,en
As a programmer I made the AsbestOS. Reliability was its killing feature.,1,en
My laptop in college was So bad. To start it I needed my friends car and some jumper cables,0,en
"if someone wakes up from a twenty year coma, i hope the first thing they see when they turn on a tv is mike tyson petting his pigeons .",1,en
lying is a sin! i heard a woman lied to her husband about sleeping with another man . now there's a whole religion over it .,0,en
"I made a fortune selling HIV testing kits to Africa To be honest, they're just popsicle sticks with ""yes"" written on the side",1,en
How to have a seance Ance. Ok you're turn,0,en
What kind of car does a cowboy drive? A haudi,0,en
"We play GTA because it let's us do things we wouldn't even think about doing in real life. Like golf, tennis and yoga",1,en
common courtesy: don't bring mcdonalds french fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody .,1,en
"When someone texts you ""hahahahaha. "" instead of ""haha"" or ""lol"", you know you've done well",1,en
What do you call the object Attila the Hun uses to brush his leg hair? A Hun knee comb.,1,en
"by the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, i've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring .",1,en
"Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids",0,en
What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick.,1,en
"Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase? A. ""It's okay Daddy I'm not hurt.""",0,en
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego,1,en
"i just got back from the proctologist, and she had a very fitting name . dr . anna lee finger",0,en
What do Cooperstown and Woodstock have in common? Cooperstown is where Baseball wasn't invented and Woodstock is where the festival didn't happen.,1,en
"Today's a beautiful day. After all, nothing beats Mayweather",0,en
What do you call cute seeds? Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds P.S. it's my birthday please love me,0,en
How do you catch a dyslexic fish? Ya get it Hooked on Phonics!,0,en
"Have you heard of the John Denver omelet? It's just like a regular Denver omelet, but it's served upside down in seawater.",1,en
"i'm so out of it i just asked my dog to hand me something. to be fair , he gave me the same blank stare my kids would have",1,en
When i was little i was afraid of dinosaurs But growing up i learned they all died. Now i am afraid of dinosaurs ghosts,1,en
"Some people are like Slinkies. not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs",0,en
So yesterday I went to practice shooting range..... Just kidding it was a school.,1,en
"Sunday and Monday stand back to back, spraying darkness in both directions.",1,en
I visited a proctologist the other day. It was a real bummer,0,en
"What did Mike Meyers say to Eddie Murphy after Eddie bought him a brand new Mercedes? ""DANKE!""",1,en
"What's even harder to find than Bigfoot, UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and diamonds in Minecraft? The real download button on Softpedia.com",0,en
What do you call a Mexican mountain climber? Caribeaner,1,en
Why were the dinosaurs so big? Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures,1,en
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning's church service,1,en
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can't wait to do this to my kids,1,en
What did one american kid say to the other? Can I help with school shooting?,1,en
"Home Work Jokes jemi:Teacher,would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher,ofcourse not. Jemi:Good because I didn't do my home work.",1,en
"if love didn't hurt, it wouldn't be called love threedots it would be called tacos .",0,en
What do you call it when someone throws hydrochloride on you? An acid attack,1,en
Why do audiophiles nerver loose a fight? Because they're lossless.,1,en
"If you keep snails in the pockets of your cargo shorts, they're called escargot shorts. And send",0,en
my friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. i'm starting to think she really doesn't like lunch,1,en
i found an ant in the men's restroom . why an aunt? i can understand why an uncle would be in there .,0,en
"That redheaded snowboarder is pretty good, but he could be even better if he did some of his wacky prop comedy on the slopes.",1,en
what's the most messed up trap for santa? a nicolas cage .,0,en
why did no one listen to the wheelchair joke? it had no back story .,1,en
"If you set sail from Los Angeles, CA to Barrow, AK, what would your bering be? Strait",0,en
What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence? Mountin' time,0,en
I wanted to start my own last minute grandma rental service. But the name InstaGram was already taken,0,en
What's crunchy on the outside and airy in the inside? A lightbulb.,0,en
What's the difference between Netflix and Pornhub? You don't need a VPN to watch Netflix anywhere.,0,en
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.",0,en
"I'm like a trampoline. My friends know i exist, but they never play with me",1,en
"If I had known ""cuties"" were little oranges when my wife asked me to ""bring a few home, "" I could have avoided these awkward introductions.",1,en
what's the worst thing about a pi eating contest? it never ends,1,en
q : what do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? a : you get light music .,0,en
Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back. So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow,0,en
"iron man , iron man , does everything an iron can gets real hot on a mat , makes your clothes get really flat look out! here comes the iron man",0,en
"i heard that auschwitz had to ask people to stop playing pokemon go . which is weird, because they have the same slogan . gotta catch ' em all .",1,en
did you hear about the guy who robbed blind people? nobody saw it coming .,1,en
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!,0,en
"What did the guitar teacher say to the frustrated student? Now, don't fret about it!",0,en
I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...  I'm a bundle of nerves...,1,en
"All across the United States of America, at this very moment, right now. Kelsey, Madison and Taylor literally can't even",0,en
my girlfriend has a global map tattooed on her body she may have been a difficult person to deal with. but you always knew where you were with her,0,en
What physical trait does a shapely woman who studies statistics have? Belle curves.,1,en
current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth .,1,en
SPOILER ALERT: I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.,1,en
"Google ""jewish baby stroller"" pictures You won't be disappointed.",0,en
"If every letter ""t"" was silent... ...we'd never hear the end of it.",1,en
Waiter what's this bug doing waltzing around my table! It's the band sir they are playing his tune,1,en
I told my mom that bukkake is Japanese for bundt cake. I hope I'm there when she orders dessert at the steak house,1,en
Why did the bareback performer ride his horse? Because it got too heavy to carry.,1,en
Why is your nose in the middle of the face? Because it's the scenter.,1,en
"When you're playing PUBG in school, And you realize your volume is off.",1,en
"When your baby cries, don't feed it. That's just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.",0,en
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris,0,en
Listening to dubstep. Wait nope just my cat tumbling in the dryer,0,en
why did the corn maze go back to school? it was tired of working in a dead end field .,1,en
"give a dog a bone and you've made a friend for the day, teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life .",0,en
What did the electrician say to his depressed colleague? Keep soldering on!,0,en
What is the cat's favourite TV show? The evening mews !,1,en
"You are living, you occupy space and you have mass. You know what that means... You matter!",0,en
Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.,1,en
"Hey, have you tried this new game called Detroit? ""Yeah, but isn't it called Detroit: Become Human?"" ""No, it's just Detroit. It's a first person shooter""",0,en
"pro tip: if you forget their name after a one night stand , just take them to starbucks in the morning .",0,en
If she can eat dairy She can take missionary,1,en
Welcome to our ' OOL'. Notice there is no 'P' so lets keep it that way ,0,en
Heres a fact! Everybody could walk through their lives But some people have wheel chairs.,0,en
did anybody hear about the the peeping tom who was caught? he was beaten up so badly they sent him to the icu .,1,en
What did I say when my Neutrogena products worked? well I'm glad I've gotten that cleared up,1,en
"How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a ""crazy cat lady? "" None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.",1,en
What's the similarity between a dog and a bulldozer? Neither one is a squirrel.,0,en
"just got added to a list called "" people. "" glad i made that cut",0,en
Want to hear a Star Wars joke? Hayden Christensen,0,en
Where did little Suzzie go after the explosion? Everywhere.,0,en
"What do you call Kanye dressed as Kermit? I don't know, but it's not Yeezy being green.",1,en
I made some fish tacos last night. But they just ignored them and swam away,0,en
"during lunch , what did one soldier say to the other soldier? want some turkey",1,en
How does a person from Tokyo laugh? Japjapjapjap,1,en
"Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers. Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.",1,en
The second rule of tautology club. is that the first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club,1,en
"A cashier was serving a pregnant lady And enthusiastically asked ""Wow! Your child is so large already! Is it a boy or a girl? "" ""Yes""",1,en
"What's the link between sodomy and lobotomy? Perform the former thoroughly enough, and it will result in the latter. ",1,en
When pearl jam comes on and you're like. It doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this,1,en
Hang in there The worst part about engineering colleges in India is that students keep hanging around in their dorms.,1,en
How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying? Because he bawled.,0,en
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn't excited about being called husbands. But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.,1,en
"Sorry, I can't delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one",0,en
"I've eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.",1,en
"Jesus hands his iPhone to da Vinci, ""hey can you get one of me and my best buds? thanks man! HEY EVERYONE GET ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE""",0,en
Why do frogs croak? Well they can't live forever.,0,en
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.,1,en
what do you call the science of knives? cutting edge technology .,1,en
next year is going to be an odd one. credit goes to my dad,0,en
What's a Brooklyn contractors favorite dance? Dewalts,0,en
why buy an invisible knife? i don't see the point,1,en
My son died in a bomb blast on his way to school. Guess I gave him the wrong backpack.,0,en
Even April is about to come Just not the seven yo I've been using the past few months,0,en
How is your average sportscaster like a potato? He's just a commentator.,1,en
relationship status: autocorrect changes my girl to my grill .,1,en
Him: How does my football throw look to you? Me: Like you're good at science...,1,en
Why do spoons live such diverse lives? They like to mix it up.,1,en
"I opened a WWII theme park! The grand opening has an exclusive pass for the new ride, The Holocoaster!",0,en
"Mommy mommy, can I play with grandpa today? No sweat heart, the coffin stays shut today...",0,en
What did the black duck call the white duck? Quaka,1,en
What do you call Dana Carvey standing on the back of Dana Carvey? Turtles all the way down,1,en
Dave walks on a Sandi beach and says Hey it's me! lol gets me every time.,0,en
Did you hear about the monkey that escaped from the zoo? He robbed the gift shop on his way out,1,en
I went to a pinball tournament last weekend I met two former champions. Their names were Rico and Shea,1,en
How do teenage boys keep warm? Jackit,0,en
"Do you think the price of the HoloNet in Star Wars would be called the HoloCost? Well, it was bought by Disney.",1,en
"Am I financially wealthy? No. But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no",0,en
A minifigure walks into a bar. It was made of LEGO bar elements. ,0,en
my friend has a habit of dropping things. it's getting out of hand,1,en
What is one item which has never been affected by inflation? Deer's Balls There are always under a buck,1,en
"My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell ""ARF, ARF"" like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth",1,en
What do you call electricity still flowing today? Current.,1,en
What s the difference between an ostridge? it can neither fly,1,en
"did you hear the one about the genius redditor ? no ?, and you won't either .",0,en
I found TenebrousJokes to be a great name for the new subreddit. Join it if you agree.,0,en
"it's not that i don't care about the environment, it's just your fabric grocery bag doesn't match my outfit .",1,en
My friend is so cool ! He still in the coffin tho,0,en
"A latin joke Titus: Markus, legistis pleiades? Markus: pleiades quest Titus: pleiades testes in ore tuo.",1,en
What do you call unleavened cheese? Matzahrella,1,en
Canadian court. Do you plead sorry or not sorry,0,en
Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.,0,en
A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer,1,en
what does a restaurant delivery man say when doing a delivery? Condiments to the chef,1,en
"Please, by all means, call my landline. I'll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon",0,en
what do you get if you cross a river with a bridge? to the other side .,0,en
how do you guarantee that your wishes always come true? wish for something that is already true .,0,en
what i want for xmas threedots i asked santa for a sister. he asked for my mom,0,en
This joke isn't half bad. It's two thirds bad :D,0,en
"The Captain and Tennille are divorcing. Tennille left him after learning he was only a Petty Officer, Third Class",1,en
Tickets for the wheelchair races are selling out. seats are going fast,1,en
There's this new dating site that tells you a lot of info about your date It's name is something like amber alert,0,en
science teacher : what happened when electricity was first discovered? fred : someone got a nasty shock .,0,en
"What did the french bloomers say to the sexy thong? Well I've 'ad me ups n downs, but I've never been pushed to one side...",0,en
Liam and Aiden had a race to see who could get home from the barber first. Liam won because he took a shortcut.,0,en
"My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he'll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.",0,en
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter,1,en
What are spiders webs good for? Spiders !,0,en
"My iPhone corrects ""WHOA"" to ""WHOSE"", which just made my text response to ""I JUST HAD A BABY. "" a little awkward",1,en
What do you call a set of computer generated jokes? A comedy subroutine,1,en
"At the touch of her lips, it grew hard an swollen... I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I d ever seen.",0,en
"When Chris Angle levitated in front of Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris just laughed and flew away.",0,en
"Last night I played Origami poker Things were going great, until I had to fold.",0,en
Why did the Pokemon Company offer me a role in their upcoming TV Series? So they could Starmie.,1,en
"siri, what kind of candy is in that van ?",0,en
"ME: look a possum HER: actually it's spelled opossum ME: you don't no how I spelled it, we're talking HER: actually it's spelled know",1,en
What do you get when you combine a Comedian and a Whorehouse? a BROFL,1,en
"I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, ""Stairs""",1,en
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cape to wear and whoosh noises to make.",0,en
Using my son's raincoat as a hat so my hair doesn't get messed up. He's doing the cutest little shivers!,0,en
TIL. Tomorrow I learned that Steve Buscemi was a volunteer firefighter on Sep,0,en
this presentation was so boring i slept through most of it. i guess public speaking just isn't my thing,1,en
which is the worst hand to lose? the second one .,0,en
"warning: if you do it right the first time , they'll ask you to do it again .",0,en
The real power of a man. Is the size of the smile on his woman's face sitting next to him,0,en
"Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing ""Fortunate Son"" on my boombox while watching a man die",1,en
""" favorite "" seems like a strong word . there should be a button that's more just "" hey, fun tweet . this is fun . we're having fun . """,0,en
why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out? threedots he was already taking out a tooth,0,en
"I find love is like an onion Once you start cutting into one, you start to cry",0,en
What do you call a bra that tightens the more you try to take it off? A booby trap!,0,en
"Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can't wait to see Ariel with the crabs. Now I'm questioning which section I bought that DVD",0,en
"Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.",0,en
which dog looks like a cat? a police dog in disguise .,1,en
"how do you know if someone grew up in new york city? don't worry , they'll tell you .",0,en
Where do onions wrestle? Onion rings.,1,en
What do Zero and Nil have in common? Absolutely nothing,0,en
What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts? M'rauders Map,0,en
"did you hear about joan rivers? when they died , they realized she was an organ donor . they used the plastic to make toys for the orphan children .",0,en
How much is twelve units of mass? Dozen matter.,1,en
I tell ya some parents love my magic tricks Every time I show up kids disappear.,0,en
are we sure that oscar pistorius was the only one involved in the murder of his girlfriend? someone else may well have done the leg work .,1,en
So I've Been Making this Joke About Alkaline Metals Recently. I'ts been getting a lot of good reactions,0,en
I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn't die fast enough for my liking.,0,en
What does a bullet and a gun have in common? Together they solve my problems,1,en
My doctor told me he appreciates my patience. I told him that I appreciate that he appreciates his patients,1,en
I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet? Precubescent,0,en
Explain joke What is a bee's favorite game? Hive and seek,0,en
Playing Scrabble is like talking to women. You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words,1,en
What is a store for dogs called? A Superbarket,1,en
What did the Spanish musician say when he went fishing? Castanets!,1,en
Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent,0,en
"if kristen stewart played the daughter in taken, liam neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her .",0,en
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school,0,en
What do you call an detective's glasses? Inspectacles,1,en
"Relationship or hallucination. Either way, I'm seeing someone",1,en
Just went to pick up a paper clip but accidentally picked up two paper clips. Sometimes I don't know my own strength,1,en
How does a Range Rover Evoque look after landing on it's roof? Exactly the same.,1,en
My wife's making me only eat the healthy foods she cooks... ...What she doesn't know is I've planned a cheat day to eat out the neighbor.,1,en
"""Welcome to Fight Club,"" said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried",1,en
How does Geppetto exact his revenge on Monstro the Whale? Marry a net maker,0,en
spiderman: just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web .,1,en
Did you hear about the intimate blind couple? It was love at first.,1,en
"My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he's all wagging his tail, but I know he's not listening. I get it ladies",1,en
my friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. i don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing pokemon,1,en
what did jose name his son? hose b,0,en
What did the old tile roof say to the new tile roof? Repairs will be futile.,1,en
I clocked this beautiful woman earlier. I'll probably never see her againit was a pretty big clock,0,en
Whats the one appliance you wont find in a Jewish household? An oven. ,0,en
Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes Mostly lentils ,1,en
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?! Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!,0,en
"dad, why does my cake say "" we dont want a talking cake "" "" its a long story son """,1,en
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it's Maybelline,0,en
Where's the best place in America to shop for a football kit? New Jersey!,0,en
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order. with pictures,0,en
"The Past, The Present, and The Future all went camping... How? They all stayed in seperate tents!",0,en
relationship status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so i pretended i was reaching for the remote .,1,en
You can lead a horticulture. but you can't make her think,0,en
"An impressed man and his friend. Man: ""'Wow, you're omniscient!"" Friend: ""What does that mean? "" Man: ""Nevermind.""",1,en
some people may be brave enough to try to get into the milk business . me? i wouldn't dairy .,1,en
what does peter parker wish he would have went to school for? web design .,0,en
What do you call a pilot who tries to tell a joke but gets distracted and crashes his plane into a building? A comickaze,1,en
"in high school , people called me "" superman "" due to my light eyes and physical build. also because i wore my underwear on top of my pants",1,en
What's big and grey and protects you from the rain? An umbrellaphant !,0,en
"heres law school: ""sustained"" is basically ""settle down beavis. "" ""overruled"" also means ""settle down beavis,"" but to the other guy instead",1,en
wife : where's the baby ? me : up on the roof wife : the roof ? me : relax. he's got sunscreen on,0,en
"I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. except at wolf picnics, when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races",1,en
Where did Tommy go after the minefield? Everywhere!,0,en
What does Pingu say when he feels suicidal? Noose Noose,0,en
"George Michael walks into a bar... The barman says, ""George, you've got chocolate on your shirt! "". ""I know,"" replies George, ""It was a Careless Wispa.""",1,en
Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find Penny's body,0,en
Why did the integer drown? Because it can't float.,0,en
why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter? because they take a fence to that .,1,en
What's the number ten's favorite Spanish phrase? Diez mio!,0,en
why is it so hard to contact comedians? because their marketing is a joke .,1,en
What's the best part about a snowman ? It's never of any colour other than white..,0,en
Have you heard about the new Scientologist car? It's got cruise control...,0,en
Why did the stand up comic quit comedy to become a obstetrician? He needed to work on his delivery.,1,en
"Her: What do you do? Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster",1,en
"Well, the definition of humour is not much humorous! The Incongruity Theory claims that humour is created out of a violation of an expectation.",1,en
Why is life a lot like Assassin's Creed? There are way too many trailing missions before you can get to the killing.,0,en
I've got butterflies in my stomach. That's the last time I eat a cocoon,1,en
made the decision that i'm done having kids. yet every morning i wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast,1,en
"Whats a difference between my dad and a rainfall? Nothing pretty much, They go away pretty quickly.",0,en
"FACT: Once he became a knight, Sir Ian McKellen could only move in an ""L""",1,en
"my mother said today , "" i'm always alright as long as i'm taking that d. "" she was referring to vitamin d",1,en
What does Massive Attack call Parkinson's Disease? Interia Creeps Moovin' Up Slowly,1,en
Did you hear about the shoemaker who went bankrupt? He was inSOLEvent,1,en
a joke my three year old brother told me why do cows poop carrots? because they're carrot cows !,0,en
What do you get when you put two Beta Fish in the same tank? One Alpha Fish.,1,en
do you know what a lot is? two words .,0,en
What spoils quicker than unrefridgerated meat? The Walking Dead's facebook page.,0,en
"growing up , i had a best friend. when we first met we didn't see eye to eye , but then he grew on me",1,en
"I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.",0,en
What is the difference between a pirate and R. Kelly? Pirates go for big booty,0,en
when should you feed milk to a baby elephant? when it's a baby elephant !,0,en
Q: What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake? A: Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.,0,en
"if you can't convince them, confuse them .",0,en
why did bruce jenner become invisible? because he's a transparent .,0,en
"walk into a random building , go to a random floor , step into a random meeting , and take a donut. best donut you'll ever eat",0,en
"Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements. They may cremate, they Mayberry",1,en
What is red and goes putt putt putt? An outboard apple.,0,en
Spider man is cool and all but I can do something he cannot Hug my parents,0,en
who wants to dress up as a battery and make halloween come early this year? i'll be halloween .,0,en
Why cant some one stay straight while playing hide n seek in IKEA? ... ...cuz they'll have to come out of the closet at some point.,0,en
What kind of tea does water make? Humiditea.,1,en
what's the best thing about having a girlfriend who is addicted to starbucks? you'll never forget her name .,0,en
is your refrigerator running? because refrigerator obesity is on the rise .,1,en
Brangelina is no more. And it's really sad to see that Brad Pitt is now just 'Br' while Angelina Jolie gets her whole forename back,0,en
i put the ' toast ' in ' toaster '. then i take the ' toast ' out of the ' toaster ',1,en
A friend complimented how confident I looked But really I just had a small nosebleed.,1,en
"The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was.... My answer of ""i dont know, about ten dollars? "" was not acceptable.",1,en
What do you call a pachyderm that sings jazz? Elephants Gerald,1,en
"""Tell me your favourite director,"" said my film teacher. ""Well,"" I answered, ""it's probably my satnav.""",1,en
Math is like a box of chocolates It's better to use your fingers,0,en
What Operating System does a Redditor use? Fedora Linux!,0,en
"After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on. ",0,en
Why did the security guard jump from the building's rooftop? He was curious as to why everyone kept calling him a bouncer.,1,en
"Why do computer programmers spend so much time in the shower? The directions clearly state: ""Rinse, lather, repeat""",1,en
"What is the difference between a poker card and Africa? The sooner is the Ace of Spades and the latter, a Space of AIDS.",1,en
what's the best part about living in indiana? all the corny jokes .,1,en
I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs. It was a portent,1,en
I've always wanted to improve my knowledge of Greek Mythology. It's been my achilles elbow for quite some time,1,en
A boy was texting a girl. Boy: How do you spell me Girl: M e Boy: You forgot the d Girl: There's no d in me Boy: Not yet,0,en
my grandma refused to be an organ donor. she was buried with all of her musical instruments,1,en
"Funny, those Baby Einstein videos don't mention anything about how he fled Baby Europe to escape the Baby Nazis.",1,en
"They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married... ...and so are my girlfriend's.",1,en
Hmmmmm crispy What does Make A Wish do best Tenderize the vegetables,0,en
Where do tourists in India eat? In the Delhi or New Delhi.,1,en
"I'd say I avoid Facebook like the plague, but I don't do much to avoid the plague.",1,en
What is the difference between a person with Down syndrome and a dog You can somewhat understand a dog,1,en
"I don't like vegetables, so somebody told me to get a juicer. It didn't help. That thing tasted worse than the vegetables.",1,en
do you know how electricity works? the truth may shock you .,0,en
life isn't about winning and losing. it's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost,1,en
"A hipster is given a cookery award, but dies before he can receive it. It was posthummus",1,en
"What did the gardener yell when his vegetarian friend visited? Run Berry, run!",0,en
"Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive. Well, boo hoo. My dad was actively aggressive. Just ask my hand.",0,en
How does people with downs syndrom measure strength? with Downforce,1,en
"What's one of the best things about a young girl? When you flip her over, she looks like her younger brother.",1,en
Dead bodies are somewhat like money. The more the merrier.,1,en
I was riding in my friend's car today when I noticed he didn't have a brake pedal. He said it only slowed him down,1,en
How did Mark Zuckerberg meet Miley Cyrus? Social net twerking,0,en
"Yes, in fact I DO know what it's like to bleed like crazy once a month. That's my flossing schedule",0,en
"You'd think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she'd be thinner.",0,en
can't believe no one told me that cows can't walk down stairs. now i'm stuck with all these attic cows,1,en
I tried to rob a binoculars store today. But they saw me coming a mile away,1,en
Where does Muscle Milk come from? Muscle mammary,1,en
How do you calculate the length of rosemary? Sprigonometry,1,en
What do you call a grunge gardener? Hedgy.,1,en
"i prepared the chicken earlier. i said , "" listen , there's no easy way to say this threedots """,0,en
"friend : bro , those were sick fireworks! sorry about your eye , but i think the er may be busy . me : no worries , my wife made reservations .",0,en
what do you call a guy who plays fallout? a fall out boy .,1,en
What did Blizzard do on Warcraft's opening night? Farm gold in China.,0,en
what do you call a dog that can find something that's not there? a labracadabrador,1,en
People are not committing suicide they are just quiting breathing addiction.,1,en
what goes into the mouth of a quarter horse? two bits !,0,en
why do i always seem to start my day backwards? i wake up tired and i go to bed wide awake,1,en
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes,1,en
They always say weird flex but ok But never weird flex are you ok?,1,en
true friendship: walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically .,0,en
"There is a blind guy called Miles, what is the name of his guide dog? Roger Daltrey.",0,en
I'm not a liar. I have an English degree; I'm an unreliable narrator,1,en
Guys aren't the only one who get friendzoned! I'm so deep in the friendzone that I've met his girlfriends parents,1,en
"""When am I ever gonna use this?"" Asked the student to the algebra teacher ""Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might"" he replied cheerfully",1,en
What is blurrier the more you squint? Everything.,0,en
An all inclusive guide for lurkers: How to reach the front page. Details inside,1,en
what do you call a truck with only five mexican passengers? under capacity,1,en
What lives in the sea and yells? A clam shouter.,0,en
Why did Donkey Kong go to the dentist? He had tooth DK,0,en
What is the best way to download a YouTube video? Screenshot each second and play it on PowerPoint,0,en
"I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp Then again, he's the only Jedi to ever die from old age Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.",0,en
"I was going to start my own podcast, but I already have enough going on with regards to disappointing my parents",1,en
"I don't get it, I clicked ""Suspend"" from my computer's system menu, the screen went black... ...but how come the computer is still sitting on the desk?",0,en
What does a bored Spaniard eat? Aburrido.,1,en
Why does the universe expand? .... All the Milky Ways. You get it.,0,en
Why are bakers so secretive about their recipes? They're on a knead to know basis.,1,en
i took my dictionary to a bar. i just wanted to get the word out,1,en
why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground? because he reached terminal velocity .,1,en
Wife: Want do you want for dinner? Me: Surprise me. Wife: I used to be a man. Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.,1,en
when is a mountain goat not a mountain goat? when he's a hillbilly .,0,en
i have a joke about physics threedots but meh. i guess it wouldn't matter,1,en
"I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, ""I'm a wholesaler.""",1,en
What Jesus said when something bad happend. HARDER DADY.,0,en
My chess strategy and comedy have something in common I always concentrate on the pawns,1,en
Priests are like xbox one. Kids always turn them on,1,en
there is a new kind of bread in the ukraine that is the most popular. i don't know what it is called but it is putin free,1,en
I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks. I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together,1,en
For the English Q: What do you say to someone who appears to have done irreparable harm to themselves despite multiple warnings to the contrary? A: U.K.,1,en
Welcome to Halloween! Where free candy won't result in a missing children's accident!,0,en
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird's chair. It's a crow chez crochet.,1,en
What does a guitar and a preschool have in common? You can finger a minor,1,en
What does a woman and life have in common You're never gonna do them right,0,en
"Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to ""sweep the leg"". They've all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it",1,en
"Over all these years, you'd think I'd remember how important the ""L"" in clock is. especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad's",1,en
I failed my audition as Amy Schumer I told an actual joke.,1,en
What does Rolf Harris like to play with on the piano? A minor.,1,en
What kind of dough do Hobbit bakers use? Frodough.,1,en
"Mulder: we're trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm. Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We're on a train.",0,en
"Me: let's try to catch snowflakes on our tongues! Wife: but we're inside.? . Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.",0,en
I like to sleep on my side But my wife sleeps with everyone,1,en
What do you call a young Jewish girl who solves mysteries? Nance Hebrew,1,en
What do bees who are allergic to honey get? Hives.,1,en
"my mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today . it's really bad guys, i need your prayers . i'm so hungry .",0,en
"after working retail i've discovered that there are two types of people in the world those who can read signs, and customers .",1,en
Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.,0,en
"I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.",0,en
"Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.",0,en
i'm not the jealous type. and no i don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day,0,en
"If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.",0,en
why did the dalai lama visit las vegas? tibet,1,en
What is the best part of Pokemon Go? I can ride my bike indoors and professor oak can't do anything to stop me.,0,en
What do sailors eat for breakfast? Naval oranges,1,en
How do you know they love making bread? They knead it.,1,en
what's the only positive from living in the ghetto? pregnancy tests,1,en
"Have you ever done it kitty style? It's like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.",1,en
My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love. which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome,1,en
who is the most basic spice girl? pumpkin spice .,0,en
"My fish can breakdance. But only for five seconds, and only once",0,en
"A man was arrested for cannibalism. He kept saying ""No I'm vegetarian"".",1,en
did you hear the one about to car that lost its tires? apparently it was in a wheel hurry .,1,en
. How are crippled people executed on death row. They are executed on the electric wheelchair.,0,en
I'm like a dead owl. I just don't give a hoot anymore,0,en
why are australians so well balanced? they have a chip on both shoulders .,1,en
"Hospital kids are so lucky One day they see the Avengers cast, next day they get to meet Stan Lee",1,en
I love how people always leave voicemails when I miss their calls. It's like they want to be ignored twice,1,en
"They say you should take the stairs to get exercise, but I think I get a better workout doing sit ups and jumping jacks in the elevator.",1,en
How do Ghosts lay foundations? With a spirit level!,0,en
"I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?",1,en
New dark jokes page is up Same name just add new infront,0,en
"My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months. It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in",1,en
Today I met the underwater spy His name was James Pond,0,en
What is the Pope's favorite magazine? Boy's life,0,en
Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer,1,en
great. my wife is on her exclamation mark,0,en
Where did little Anne go after the explosion? All over the place. ,0,en
How do you outsmart a chicken? By thinking outside the bawks.,0,en
Why is Gandalf's cupcake shop so successful? Because he has a magical staff.,0,en
What's an oven's favorite comedy routine? Deadpan.,1,en
maybe the baby wasn't on board. maybe the baby was against the whole thing,0,en
I havent changed my underwear for a year but I dont wear any,0,en
When your legs don't work like they used to before...  That's when you know you have peripheral artery disease.,1,en
My dad doesn't see why he should pay a mechanic to rotate his tires. He says they're rotating the entire time he's driving!,1,en
why couldn't the orphan enter the bank? because it was the home branch,0,en
"can a match box? no , but glass can .",0,en
"the things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first .",0,en
"i quit my job and poured years into it thanks to this recent ebola scare, i can't ever release my online bowling game threedots",0,en
First date with a hummingbird: You're moving too fast.,0,en
"Potty training my twins is like the Titanic's maiden voyage. In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet",1,en
Guys it happened The random chimp event has happened,0,en
"Today I was teaching Disaster Management, and a kid asked me what if a tsunami comes, what do I do? I thought for a second and said, ""Nothing. Die.""",1,en
"What were the photocopier's last words? Good night, sweet prints...",0,en
"Yeah, bro. I train and I lift... ...It's easier to get to work that way than to bike and to stairs.",0,en
which cheeseburger makes a big hit in baseball? a double !,0,en
how do poor people make it rain? they don't .,1,en
"on a walk , my son saw a pay phone asked what it was. i made him look it up on his blackberry",0,en
What's the difference between hematologists and urologists? A hematologist pricks fingers.,1,en
What is a middle eastern man's favorite game? Bomberman,1,en
"My life will forever be divided into two segments: before I ever used a bidet, and the Age of Enlightenment.",1,en
What type music should you practice before doing something dangerous? Safety measures.,1,en
Extremely funny joke Rick rolled,0,en
What do you call anxious dinosaurs?  Nervous Rex.,1,en
Why did the Jedi take his MIDI controller into the pool. He wanted to increase his MIDI chlorine count?,1,en
What do you call a Mexican prison break out A mud slide ,1,en
when does a motel become a hotel? when your mom stays in it .,0,en
what do you call a lamp you send in the mail? lamp post,1,en
the mods here are awesome idc what you say the bot is funny,0,en
where does a librarian sleep? between the covers . i will now show myself to the door .,0,en
What prevents Joel Osteen from coming out the closet? Opening the doors,0,en
What do you call someone who confuses Emma Stone and Mila Kunis in a movie? A bad judge of character.,1,en
"Amy Winehouse's final album was ""recorded before her death. "" Thanks for the clarification",1,en
why does a fly hang upside down? to take the weight of its feet .,1,en
"Whenever I'm down, I always look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope it's a train this time.",1,en
"have you ever had a close call with a shark? no , but one did ring me up long distance once",1,en
Where's the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap,0,en
"Please remove shoes in the foyer first. Second, your pants",0,en
Thinking about wearing Uggs this summer? Just remember that blonde girl in the movie 'Taken'. She wore Uggs during the summer and died.,0,en
That last avengers movie.. Was over in a snap.,0,en
What's the first step to making your favorite Jewish dish? Preheat the oven,1,en
"teacher : "" which book has helped you the most in your life? "" student : "" my father's check book ! """,1,en
What's the difference between Fortnite and the Catholic Church? Noone bats an eye if you play with kids on Fortnite,0,en
Me: Jimi Hendrix? Daughter: Who? Me: Beatles? Daughter: Who? Me: Doors? Daughter: Who? Me: Justin Bieber? Daughter: Hate him. Me: Thank God,1,en
why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring? the referee said he wanted a clean fight . : d,0,en
does anyone want a free microwave? contact me . we can talk about how we both want a free microwave,0,en
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway,0,en
"What does my son and my lambo have in common? The faster I go in them, the louder they scream.",1,en
"feelings are like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf .",1,en
Did you hear about the statistician's party? The dress code was causal.,1,en
"my friend's wife asked him , if she died tomorrow , when would he start sleeping with other women? he said , "" about three years ago . """,1,en
"If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got? No chance of blocking an uppercut.",0,en
"Floyd Mayweather was asked about remarks made by critics on last night's fight. He said ""I don't tend to read into things""",1,en
"My math teacher from highschool thought she was so smart and intelligent yet when I graduated, she was still in highschool.",1,en
"through a telescope, i see a woman on a planet light years away . she waves . i wave . i awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me .",1,en
what does a mobster buried in cement eventually become? a hardened criminal .,1,en
How spicy would you like your clairvoyants? Medium.,1,en
"hey, we never talked in high school ! let's be facebook friends so we can once again never talk ! just like old times !",0,en
I've been thinking of a new movie concept recently Adolf Potter and The Chamber of Gas.,0,en
Which bounty hunter specializes in tracking elves? Jingle Fett,0,en
"a german tourist in france . a german tourist arrives at a french airport . immigration officer asks him : "" occupation? "" the german replies : "" no , no , just visiting . """,1,en
"when I see a Facebook relationship status 'it's complicated' I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology",0,en
Life goal Find someone that looks at you the same way African kids look at clean water.,1,en
"I was fooling around with my new Roomba. I guess you could call it nice, clean fun",0,en
what do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? a big mac .,1,en
"If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off. It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs",1,en
She told me she wanted to Netflix and chill. But when I got there she had Redbox,0,en
why don't robot chickens play basketball? too many technical fowls,1,en
Who sews really really fast? Tailor Swift,0,en
When do rabbits have buck teeth? When their parents won't get them braces.,1,en
Her: Let's exchange numbers Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?,0,en
What do you call a Canadian rap group? Poutine Clan,1,en
i used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. used to,1,en
"if "" loving you "" is wrong, then i don't want to be right !",0,en
how much does a truck full of bones weigh? a skeleton,1,en
q : why are bison such good musicians? a : they have fantastic horns .,0,en
what is made of wood and sticky? threedots a stick !,0,en
I once attempted to burst a lead balloon. It was an impoppable task.,1,en
if a man was born in england raised in america and died in spain what does that make him? dead .,1,en
To all the people who doubted me growing up: looks like you're gonna be right on this one. Well played,0,en
What do you use to check your cell from across the room? A telephono lens.,0,en
"What was the best thing about Jesus' crucifixion? Well, the cross was a big plus",1,en
"well, it's "" fat tuesday . "" but for a lot of america that just means "" tuesday . """,1,en
A girl told me she was a female Einstein She wasn't happy when i asked her if that meant she was a genius in the kitchen,1,en
"camping tip: if you get lost in the woods , a compass can help you get lost more north .",0,en
What's the first step in the Stephen Hawking Weight Loss Program? Amputation. ,1,en
"I installed a pedometer app on my phone But whichever direction I walk, I seem to be moving away from the kids.",1,en
Tim Cook officially came out of the closet. at least this is the one time when Android users can't claim that theirs came out first,1,en
What do babies and potatoes have in common? They both have skin you peel off before cooking them,1,en
Q: Did you hear about the marketplace where everything cost twelve and a half cents? A: It was a bit bazaar.,0,en
some people wear superman pajamas. superman wears chuck norris pajamas,1,en
"I had an idea for a fighting game. But turns out, it was tekken",0,en
War is so expensive. It costs an arm and a leg.,1,en
Have you seen The Dawn Wall on Netlix? I never knew that Ned Schneebly was a climber! ,0,en
"so many women, so little time to disappoint them all .",0,en
What do you call a reptile that's good with directions? A Navigator,1,en
My doctor said I had an iron deficiency and I asked him how he could tell. He pointed at my crinkled shirt,1,en
there was a guy at the basketball court he tried to make a shot in the fog. he mist,0,en
A very British joke: I went to a class to learn how to make the perfect cup of tea It was a steep learning curve,1,en
what did the police do to the sweater? they pulled it over .,1,en
teacher : didn't you hear me call you? pupil : but you said not to answer you back !,0,en
"Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: ""Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories.""",0,en
I robbed a cookery shop last night. to make it big you've got to take some whisks,0,en
"What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire? Wedding cake.",1,en
you know what really turns me on? unprotected threedots wifi .,0,en
What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy? Uniball,0,en
"If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won't answer and my ringer will be off, so it won't bother me at all",0,en
My friend was complaining about how there's no real meat in our school food He disappeared There's meat in our food now ,0,en
What's Jian Ghomeshi's favorite vegetable? Artichoke.,0,en
""" may i have my surgery badge , scout master? "" "" um , there's no such thing . "" "" there was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now . badge me ! """,0,en
"my daughter recently had a misscariage , and i was doubly bad i had th pay for it and buy her scilence",0,en
"Alien vs Predator upheld by Supreme Court. ""this movie rules"" said Justice Scalia writing for the court",1,en
How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Sine language!,1,en
What's the best part of having a kid? The chewy center.,1,en
"The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down. ""Oh, the Humanities!"" he cried.",1,en
"why the sadman buy keybord? because is the ""key"" to hapennies",0,en
What do you call a happy penguin? A pengrin!,1,en
What do you call cartoon duck sausage? Huey Louie Andouille.,1,en
"i'm all "" class "". the first two letters really aren't necessary",1,en
dinner party tip: gluten allergies can easily be treated by not telling people they are consuming gluten .,1,en
"today i fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because i was driving .",1,en
"i wish i had one original thought in life. don't be sorry , everyone does",0,en
her : what's your favorite thing about our date tonight? me : that it's almost over,0,en
"How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Pitbull, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat",1,en
"what did australian jesus say after the last supper? check , mate .",1,en
I went to a church the other day and I have to say one thing about Jesus... Dude had a knack for piercings.,0,en
Why are there so many waterfalls in Norway? Because the water is too heavy. ,1,en
What's the best kind of cream... ...to get rid of spots and bug bites? Creamation.,1,en
Shout out to. Everyone who doesn't know the opposite of in,0,en
What has four legs and eats ants? Two uncles.,1,en
My Dogs name is. My dogs name is Jesus because I am still waiting for him to come back,0,en
So my freind told me he works at a music store. Sounds fun,0,en
two people are walking down the street threedots one is a musician. the other doesnt have any money either,0,en
wear jeans every day and nobody cares. wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone,1,en
"every man's dream is to wake up with two women in bed. one saying "" good morning honey "" and the other "" good morning daddy """,1,en
What do you call a .jpg of a tropical pit fruit? A lossy mango.,1,en
Pulled a sickie the other day One of the perks of working at a hospital,0,en
My girlfriend told me she loses Mortal Kombat matches on purpose. She said it's the only time I finish her,1,en
Do you live in Thailand Cuz I wanna Bankok tonight,0,en
"I just googled ""Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don't Fear the Reaper? "" and my first response was, ""Go outside and do something.""",1,en
Q: What lottery did the broom win? A: The sweepstakes.,0,en
what kind of joke do you tell to a vegetarian? one they've never herbivore .,1,en
there are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don't admit it .,1,en
what did the fly say to the second man on the moon? buzz threedots,0,en
"sometimes, eating road kill can be a big moose steak",1,en
You can remove a book's appendix without any problem. But spinal damage is usually fatal,0,en
"a psychic punches a blind man. the blind man didn't see it coming , but the psychic did",1,en
"You left a doll and a glass of milk for Santa When you woke up, you learnt that Santa dropped some milk on the doll",0,en
"I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries",1,en
Do you know why I play CS go? So I can one tap people in rl.,0,en
What is a computer programmers favorite brand of ice cream. Haagen DOS,0,en
i got my girlfriend the perfect valentine's day present today. hand lotion,0,en
what letter stands for the ocean? the letter c .,1,en
What's the difference between a kid and a cat? Who has the diploma when you get rid of them.,0,en
"The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.",1,en
what s the difference between toilet paper and toast? toast is brown on both sides .,1,en
"have you ever accidentally ended a business call with "" i love you? "" oh yeah me neither .",0,en
"try saying "" good luck "" without sounding sarcastic. good luck",0,en
"Things that just weren't meant to be heated in a microwave: lettuce, mustaches, avocados, sarcasm, other microwaves, oranges. And that's it",1,en
chuck norris can't play life. his is too complicated,0,en
What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Christopher Nolan? Kobe won the Oscar before he died.,0,en
What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? Cliffhanger.,1,en
since i started my diet my pants are two sizes too big! granted i just bought a bunch of pants that are two sizes too big .,0,en
relationship status: my period comes more often than i do .,1,en
"I was in a tailor. I said to the guy, ""I need something for a wedding."" ""What's that? "" he queried. ""A woman that really loves me."" I wept, leaving the shop.",1,en
"Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek are scaling down a mountain with a group of hikers. However, one of the safety clips snap. Who's in jeopardy?",0,en
What's the difference between Ray Rice's wife and a fish? A fish can take a left hook.,0,en
you laugh because you think it's a joke. i laugh because you think i'm joking,0,en
What is going on when you see paralitic people jumping of a building? They are playing Tetris,1,en
"a Jew jumped from the plane, but he didn't fall. Why ? Because the moon was as bright as a "" Silver"" .",1,en
what do you call it when you drop an apple on the ground? a fruit by the foot,1,en
How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek? Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME,0,en
So Yesterday was National Down Syndrome Awareness Day Sadly they had to cancel my rifle shooting practice.,0,en
"What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? ""Eiffel."" corny",1,en
"What does the bees do with their honey? They eat it, If they eat too much, they will get Diabeetis.",1,en
"if your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice .",0,en
Why did Epstein get lost in a cave? He heard there were miners.,1,en
What kind of ring isn't round? A boxing ring,1,en
Sonny: I can't sleep. What should I do? Counselor: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you'll be sure to drop off!,0,en
"A guy visited Ukraine through skydiving and said Huh, That's weird",0,en
"Gold, frankincense, but wait. there's myrhh",0,en
What do you get if you milk a male goat? A really really happy goat,1,en
"He doesn't know the meaning of fear. but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words",1,en
why can't a nihilist use a pencil? threedots because they cant find the point .,0,en
"""What's the matter with him? "" ""Nothing. He's a positron.""",0,en
"I was going to bring everyone on reddit some cool plants but unfortunately, I never botany",0,en
I found the Quran in my library today it was in the fiction section,1,en
what does a ship weigh when she leaves for a journey? anchor .,1,en
i asked the guy in the santa suit why he was following me around. he said he was christmas stalking,0,en
Why did the pirate have a hard time walking? He had just gotten a good pegging.,1,en
"What did the German kid say after pushing his brother off the cliff? ""Look ma. No Hans""",1,en
Did you hear about the tragedy at the Hipster company's work retreat? There were several hundred casual tees.,1,en
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining,1,en
Have you heard that China's panda project is disastrously failing? All of the pandas are dying of pneumonia. It's causing pandaneumonium.,1,en
I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet I know it's raining!,0,en
original joke time! The last Pope was always butthurt... They called him the Wholly Salty Sea.,0,en
"Saw a post stating ""taking it one day at a time, "" so I responded ""me too. That's how days work.""",1,en
"As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.",1,en
"my mother always told me "" if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all "" threedots and some people wonder why i'm so quiet around them .",1,en
"my life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from ikea. once i figure out how to put it all together , i may get to actually enjoy it",1,en
Can someone give me an arrow? I knee'd it.,0,en
Did you hear about the accountant who daydreams about being an actuary? He craved more risk.,1,en
"those who like me , raise your hand. those who don't , raise your standards",1,en
Mayweather Vs Pacquiao A fight? That's a laugh .... I've had tougher fights getting my kids to take their baths!!,0,en
"When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair",0,en
What do you call a dog who digs up dinosaur bones? A Barkaeologist.,1,en
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!,0,en
where did the pilgrims land when they came to america? on their feet !,0,en
Why are programmers so consumeristic? Because they're object oriented.,1,en
"Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we'll decide if that's positive or negative.",0,en
"when life gives you lemons threedots a simple operation can give you melons. all the joke is in the title , so you can save that click",0,en
deodorant? i've never needed to buy any . people just give it me . complete strangers sometimes,1,en
"what's the difference between the armed forces and comcast? nobody ever says "" thank you for your service "" to the latter .",1,en
What's the difference between herpes and mono? You get one from snatching a kiss.,1,en
"i caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. i didn't know if i should fire him , or tell him what i did on it last night",1,en
i gave my russian wife a shirt threedots but all she did was iron curtains. ps : found a similar comment,0,en
"what is love? those who play with it call it a game . those who don't have it call it a dream . and me , i call it you .",1,en
"Sure the Texas shooting was sad and all, But on the bright side, it's the first time the church got a good sweeping! ",1,en
"I can't find my Camel, it's gone! It's camelflage was too good",0,en
what time is it? its time for lunch .,0,en
How do you get a Ford recalled? Wait.,0,en
"You know, gas prices really aren't that bad when you consider that you're essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.",1,en
"Growing up, my father had a good side but he also had a really bad side. Of course, this was all after the stroke.",1,en
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!,0,en
"If you read a text in front of the mirror three times, I will appear and help you analyze it.",0,en
Roses are red My joke is a miss My mom died of cancer And it was funnier than this.,0,en
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They Duckerate cookies. ...lol...,1,en
Why is modern wheat supperior to old wheat? it's bred and better!,0,en
I'm going to make a heavy metal band. and call it Lead Zeppelin,1,en
where does google and apple get their weather information? the cloud .,1,en
I had loads of bird seed as well as loads of parrots with headaches. Trying to hold onto all the bird seed but the parrots ate 'em all,1,en
"Here, let me show you the proper way to micromanage.",0,en
i walked in the closet. i'm officially a straight man,1,en
"According to the employee handbook, I only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here",1,en
Neighbor: Awww! She's adorable! What is she? Me: A dog. Duh. Neighbor...,0,en
"What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner? One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.",0,en
What vegetable is the favourite of British people? Queuecumbers.,1,en
why should you never invite a boxer to a party? he always throws the punch .,1,en
When you stop believing in Santa... ...is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.,0,en
what kind of star wears sunglasses? a movie star .,1,en
"What's the difference between Jews and Dollars? Well, if there were six million Dollars lost, I would actually care.",1,en
why did the two knives go to the dance together? because they both looked sharp !,0,en
why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator? he liked cold cash .,1,en
Is there an app that will make my iPhone go get my iPad which is way over there on the desk next to my iMac? iHopeso.,0,en
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it's bracelets,1,en
"What does this subreddit and a bazooka have in common? When used right, both have triggers to entertaining events",1,en
"Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: ""Well, isn't this quaint? "" Day Two: Murder",0,en
"women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home .",1,en
Did you hear about the abstinent lenses? They never came in contact.,1,en
"Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked ""DO NOT EAT"". I assume all new shoes come with snacks",1,en
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, i have others.",1,en
"hey it's me, the girl who just googled "" chemistry alphabet "" when i meant "" periodic table """,0,en
if you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat what would you have? someone else's coat .,1,en
"i'm gonna have an avengers themed birthday party but don't tell anyone, i'm trying to keep it loki .",0,en
"An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee' The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'",1,en
My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend. We're the Suicide Squad,1,en
What is Bart Simpsons' favorite kind of fish? Stealhead!,0,en
"If a girl gets changed in front of you, then she's either really interested, or thinks of you as just a friend. Or she hasn't spotted me in her wardrobe",1,en
"Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.",1,en
What's the worst part about a potato famine? You can't get to the root of the problem.,1,en
makeup tip: you're not in the circus .,1,en
Is it fair to say. There'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks,1,en
What do you call a vaping vegan? A steamed vegetable,1,en
"There is no ""g"" in paradigm. ""You're thinking of phlegm, "" she says. Well now I am.",1,en
"my horoscope read "" you're going places and you can't be stopped. "" apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it",1,en
"Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.",1,en
What's the most popular dance in Warsaw? The pole dance.,1,en
"on mondays, zombies feel alive inside .",0,en
What do you call someone who blows himself up by accident? An Errorist!,1,en
What advice did Tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training? Concentrate on golffuck everything else.,0,en
What type of teeth to deer have? Buck teeth.,1,en
"Father is talking with his son DAD: Whaddya got there, son? SON: Soy milk. DAD: Hola milk, soy tu padre.",1,en
"I thought I kept all my David Fincher DVDs safely, but. I lost The Game",0,en
no matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary. thanks dad !,0,en
What do girls and sodas have in common? Nobody likes them if they are flat.,1,en
"carol from facebook said she's "" taking it one day at a time, "" so i responded "" me too . that's how days work . """,1,en
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.,1,en
A little girl came to my house. I came too.,0,en
what goes up and never comes down? your age !,0,en
what do you say when you see two cleaning ladies making out in public? get a broom .,1,en
What's a bigamist? It's a large fog in Italy,1,en
"if you're feeling down about yourself, it won't help you to know that honey boo boo makes more money than school teachers .",0,en
q : why shouldn't you listen to people who have just come out of the swimming pool? a : because they are all wet .,0,en
Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor? His resurrection lasted more than four hours.,1,en
"There are two types of people Those who use false dichotomies, and those who don't.",1,en
What does the aardvark take sailing? An aard ark!,0,en
"If ""bae"" means bacon and eggs then yes, I'm chilling with my bae",1,en
What's a gothic persons blood made of? Emoglobin,0,en
bae : come over me : do you have food? bae : my parents aren't home me : are they gonna come back with food,0,en
Did you hear the joke about the sewing machine? It'll leave you in stitches!,0,en
How can you tell if your smartphone is good at playing music? By the number of gigs it has,1,en
"what happens in vegans stays in vegans, unless they eat fiber .",1,en
""" you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat well what if we added an extra slice of bread? "" inventor of club sandwich",1,en
suicide is like binge eating cake do it now and regret it as soon as you do it,0,en
"Dear math, Solve your own problems",0,en
Scientists recently discovered the source of the quark. It's the sound made by a posh duck,1,en
why are c programmers never invited to parties? they have no class,1,en
"What joke has sebadoh for a punch line? A joke about what kind of dough does an italian use to make seb bread, with really good delivery.",1,en
What's Jeffrey Epstein's favorite key? A minor,0,en
"If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating ""Little did they know. "" over and over and over",1,en
What do they call gimbap in fancier Korean restaurants? Gim Robert,1,en
marries a mime. lives quietly ever after,1,en
I could see my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load last night. I could see it in her eyes,1,en
"have you guys ever heard of the restaurant five guys? because your girlfriend always like to go there for "" burgers . """,1,en
I thought you were trying to get into shape? I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.,0,en
why doesn't the pope like the higgs boson? because you can't have mass without him,1,en
"How do tree nuts usually end their prayers? They said ""Almond.""",1,en
What do you call an alien from Austria? Austalian,1,en
Someone's written an album about thermometers. I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize,1,en
"When it comes to volunteering on my gynaecology residency, I'm the first to put my hand up.",1,en
i thought i'd lost my dog in london at the weekend. turns out he was just outside barking,0,en
"doctor said i had kidney failure . i asked "" how can that be? i am an adult , i have adult knees . """,1,en
What dod scientists name the object that flew into Uranus? Uruncle,1,en
What makes a fencing joke extra funny? When it is a riposte,0,en
what happens when two dogs breed in a pound? dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog .,1,en
I stopped ironing my clothes... ...because I have less pressing concerns.,1,en
What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments? Labs!,1,en
What do you call a vlog of a female to male transition? An unboxing video.,1,en
why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play? because hot dogs are the wurst !,1,en
What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!,0,en
"I never question my sanity, I'm afraid it will answer back.",1,en
What is the least likely cause of death in Africa? Obesity.,1,en
Do you know where the Belgium waffle design comes from? From the German tank tracks.,1,en
I used to confuse Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk Understandable since they both loved ramps.,0,en
"Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool That's how long that song would've lasted if I sang it.",0,en
Ahhh. I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor,0,en
did you hear about the nascar driver who went the wrong way around the track? it turned out to be all right .,1,en
I saw a person with a backpack and a messenger bag. Talk about some serious baggage,0,en
you ordered your steak rare? ! well done .,0,en
What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change? The double slit experiment.,1,en
If you arrive fashionably late in crocs. you're just late,1,en
"They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.",1,en
Which country has the most millionaires? Zimbabwe.,1,en
"From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,",0,en
"i met my wife in tinder . it was awkward . i didn't know she used it, too .",1,en
"i put coffee in my aquarium filter. the water wasn't any cleaner , but the fish swam really fast",1,en
Macbeth. docx That's a play on word,0,en
Why does Harrison Ford run from Wesley Snipes? Because he's the Blade Runner.,0,en
what do you call a group of students? a school .,1,en
What's the most influental animal rights philosopher? Karl Barx,1,en
The first computer can be traced back as far as Adam and Eve It was an Apple with extremely limited memory: just one bite. Then everything crashed,0,en
If life is just a simulation... Then people with Parkinson's just need to change their sensitivity,1,en
what do you get if you take off the red dot on the japanese flag? the miami heat flag .,1,en
"you know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married .",0,en
What do you buy a recently neutered cat? Spay Roses.,1,en
What's a basic girl's favorite vegetable? Asperrygus,0,en
teacher : can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze? pupil : hot water !,0,en
What does a neckbeard say when make him laugh? You made m'laugh.,0,en
"q : when does a bed grow longer? a : at night , because two feet are added to it .",0,en
What's the difference between a millennial and a mutual fund? A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money,1,en
Coworker: What did you do on vacation? Me: Didn't come to work. Coworker: I know that! Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.,0,en
Who has two thumbs and looks an awful lot like Alec Baldwin? Alec Baldwin,0,en
What's the difference between children and a pancake? I only have to flip the children over once before sprinkling them with cream. ,1,en
Why did the doctor go on a ski trip alone? He was part of doctors without boarders .,1,en
What's the best way to receive down votes on reddit? Wohahaha! That was funny! XD,0,en
What does OSU and Ronda Rousey have in common? They were both undefeated until the final kick.,1,en
some people say i have no idea how to run a court room. i'll let you be the judge,1,en
"Think about it. If you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom",0,en
you shouldn't commit any crimes after you marry someone . why? because you have a mother in law .,0,en
"My first post. If NCoV was a programmer, we all know what its first code will be.",0,en
"I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped. Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations",1,en
I've been thinking of getting into the warehousing business. I've heard it's blowing up in China,1,en
"Oscars night, Leonardo DiCaprio walks to the stage. Steve Harvey follows suit",1,en
What type of sushi does Bob Seger like? That Old Thai Moroccan Roll.,1,en
"So I checked into a nihilist hotel, and asked for turndown service. The clerk at the reception looked at me wearily and responded: ""Turndown? What for?""",1,en
"Im absolutely exhausted, would you believe I have spent all week road testing penny farthings. My feet haven't touched the ground",0,en
Shop Locally. Sometimes we have the thing you need maybe I dunno come back next week,0,en
"my head is so big threedots when a girl sits on my face, she has room for the remote and a snack .",1,en
Did you read the article about the automated journalist? The story writes itself.,1,en
I left my keys on my piano. That's it,0,en
Customer: Why doesn't my hairline look good? Barber: It's on the same old head.,1,en
"Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.",0,en
What did the unicyclist say to the bicyclist? I'm bi curious.,1,en
You know when you find the BEST hiding place ever to keep something safe and it's so good you forget where it was? That's me and passwords.,0,en
Why was the chess player pregnant? Because they were mated.,1,en
What do you call it when a deer and a rabbit runaway together? Jackaloping,1,en
who are the shortest people in the bible? The Shuhites,1,en
"My brain made a vote today Seven against five decided that we did not have dissociative personality disorder. EDIT: so many edits, is it alright now?",0,en
I've had a lasik surgery Never looked back! Or anywhere...,0,en
i saw a ufo yesterday. so i quickly grabbed the worst camera i own to film it with,1,en
"why is the letter "" b "" so cold? because its between ac threedots",1,en
"I'm hungry A boy walks up to his dad. ""Dad I'm hungry."" ""Hi hungry! "" ""Dad I'm serious."" ""I'm sorry serious, I thought you were hungry."" The boy then dies of hunger.",0,en
"why is vanilla ice scratching his head? lice . lice , maybe .",0,en
"How's life, mate? Well you know, I procrastinating to stop procrastination.",0,en
What do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbageway !,1,en
free tibet! with purchase of equal or greater tibet .,0,en
"There is a word that has two definitions. Cemento woman. One is a female cement worker, while the other one is a process.",1,en
What do you call a really fast seamstress? Tailor Swift,1,en
why wouldn't you teach a woman how to ski? because there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom threedots,0,en
Q. Why did the jellybean go to school? A. Because he wanted to be a smarty,0,en
"When someone yells ""STOP! "" I never know if it's Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.",1,en
Where do fortune tellers buy their clothes? Sears.,1,en
"LEONARDO DECAPRIO WINS AN OSCAR... ... oh wait, it's not a joke this time.",0,en
"How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh",0,en
"I dated an hermaphrodite. It was an ""hermaphrodate""",1,en
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin Now he is quite Baroque.,1,en
what followed the dinosaur? it's tail !,0,en
"Whens someone says you've changed, it simply means you've stopped living your life their way",0,en
Once I got into a fight with my fashion instructor But then we had to makeup.,1,en
where do you put a hot dog? on a pun .,0,en
sister : mom wants you to come in and help fix dinner . brother : why? is it broken,0,en
why is it so hard to pronounce words in welsh? it is the language of wales .,1,en
where do post go when they die in reddit? everywhere else .,0,en
Where did Chappelle store all his Rick James outfits? Unit E,0,en
what paper product speaks really quickly? wrapping paper .,1,en
"What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe? One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.",1,en
"seeing how iron man and batman are only really smart and super rich, i'm really disappointed with bill gates .",1,en
"no linkedin , i do not want to display my twitter on my profile. i would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero",1,en
What did the man do after he accidentally scratched the steering wheel of his new car? He had to come to grips with it.,1,en
"Do you know how NASCAR got its name? It's from North Carolina. There were a bunch of dudes standing around a car, and one of them said, ""That's a nas' car.""",1,en
Today I won the National Laziness Championship! What did you win? Atrophy,0,en
What kind of workout does Bob the electrician do? Circuit training.,1,en
"So I took my car into the mechanic and he said I blew a seal. I said, ""well yeah, but how did you know? And what does that have to do with my car?""",1,en
What's the first step in getting accepted to carpentry school? Submitting a stool sample.,1,en
what was the name of the time traveler with good timing? justin time .,0,en
"My driving instructor said before my test, ""If a cat runs out into the road, don't stop keep going."" So I said, ""Does that apply to vegans too?""",1,en
What is a Redditors favorite food? Copypasta!!,0,en
What's the difference between HP computers and HP in a video game? One of them you want to see a lot less of.,1,en
What does Fabrizio like to put on his sandwiches? Mustardo!,0,en
Why didn't the neuron cross the road? It was Nervous,1,en
"My brother is so flexible I heard a snap before he did a backbend. He hasnt moved, im surprised he doesnt feel pain",0,en
Living in a tree My legs got amputated when they cut the tree down.,1,en
"shoutout to disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice",1,en
"proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written .",1,en
why did the invisible man look in the mirror? to make sure he still wasn't there .,0,en
What is the other name for the hand grenade? The latest in middle eastern fashion,1,en
Cleaning ladies: The new craze that's sweeping the nation,1,en
whatever happened to robot jones? he got cancelled .,0,en
A dog's life isn't easy It's actually pretty ruff,0,en
Did I tell you about my attempt to grow bananas in sand? It was fruitless.,1,en
What bit of fish doesn't make sense? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding !,0,en
There's a little girl's voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don't mind her; she died years ago. Here's your blanket,0,en
"Baby, give me that couch.. .. cause I need some sectional healing!",0,en
What is something you can live without? Consent.,0,en
Who created the world wide web? The galaxy wide spider!,0,en
"What do you call the occasionally toxic, organic substances that accumulate over the years in a hoarder's house? Horticulture.",1,en
What does a cow say in the winter? I'm udderly freezing!,0,en
Why do hipsters only buy games from GOG? Because other stores are too mainSteam.,1,en
"Ever since the wife and I bought a water bed, we've drifted apart.",1,en
Who pushed the neonate out an endometrium? Your mom.,0,en
I finally found an onramp for the road to success. It was closed for construction,1,en
"Everything the sun touches is yours, Simba. Except the water over there. It belongs to Nestle.",0,en
"i found out why i'm still single. apparently , you have to go outside and let people see you",0,en
"Funny how arguing works. We're all ""You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume""",1,en
i've been searching for my stolen bed for two days! i won't rest until i've found it .,0,en
Whats the difference between an aborted fetus and this subs mods? The aborted fetus has thicker skin,1,en
"It's odd how they name storms, but they don't name calms. There's a gentle breeze this morning. I think I'll call him Doug.",1,en
"I didn't fail my calculus test. I just gave ""alternative"" answers on a few problems",1,en
Campbell's Soup annual business meeting Current products are selling fine. See everyone next year,0,en
"i'm sure without any training, i can sky dive threedots only once",0,en
Everyone should know at least how to fish. So everyone needs learn to be a master baiter,1,en
"Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter",1,en
"facebook needs a "" who cares? "" button .",0,en
"My wife said she would leave me because she thinks I don't trust her. I told her, ""I don't believe you.""",1,en
"What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires? He shrugged and said, ""I've got asparagus.""",1,en
"If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.",1,en
What does a panda say when it's out of food? Chute,1,en
Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.,0,en
what is the best vegetable delivery vehicle in the world? an ambulance,1,en
What did the redditor do to a post? He rEDDITed it. I'll leave.,0,en
What's better than going to Westford Academy? Going to Westford high,1,en
"To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ",1,en
"If you build a triangle with sticks. Would it be, twigernometry?",1,en
Getting paid to sleep. That's my dream job,1,en
"A girl told me that she loves bad jokes I replied, ""you would love me then for sure.""",1,en
"if he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books .",0,en
What gets really high in Colorado? The average elevation.,1,en
I always wondered why my girlfriend's ex had his fist clenched when he saw me with her. Then it hit me,1,en
What kind of money do fishermen make? Net profits !,1,en
Why don't plumbers like to work on instant hot water heaters? It's a tankless job!,1,en
"Writing my first book, I got stuck on the details... ...ended up haiku.",1,en
Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by down' I mean over her face',1,en
You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing? A pitchfork,0,en
what's the difference between a banana and a helicopter? you can helicopter your banana but you can't banana your helicopter,0,en
I wanted to make a lame pun thread about fish. But its not the right time or plaice,0,en
People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called? Germans,1,en
"What do you say to your diabetic friend when they are about to sleep? ""Sweet Dreams""",1,en
"I hope my girlfriend enjoys long, romantic walks... ...because I don't have a car.",0,en
What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line,1,en
standing behind a lady at home depot. heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic,1,en
when your so asks daddy for ketchup at the family bbq. and you both grab it at the same time,0,en
"Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers",1,en
thanks for the glitter covered greeting card. i'll never forget this gesture because every surface in my house is covered in glitter now,1,en
Still can't believe it... Kobe actually passed,0,en
"It's not called PowerRamble. It's called PowerPoint, so please get to one",0,en
Where did Josh Duggar take his first Ashley Madison date? Subway,0,en
"i love this time of year, when the temperature changes from believing in global warming to not believing in global warming .",0,en
"God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked ""Earth"". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.",1,en
"I finally started writing the book on herbs I've been putting off for so long, I guess it's. :looks directly at the camera: ""About thyme""",1,en
It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University. Because then it would be Seminole fluid,1,en
What does the torch represent in the hand of the Statue of Liberty? The torch is a symbol of her inability to read in the dark.,1,en
"Walked into a shop and saw a sign that ""More amazing offers upstairs!"" Interesting technique: admitting that the top floor is better.",1,en
What did the bear do to be labeled a hipster? He hibernated in the summer.,1,en
"I just ran out of tissues. Lately, it's been coming in handy",1,en
Daddy daddy can I have another glass of water please? But that's the tenth one I've given you tonight! Yes but the baby's bedroom is still on fire.,0,en
"how do you keep a blonde busy? put "" flip "" on both sides of a piece of paper",1,en
What do you call a group of Chlamydia bacteria? An applause....,1,en
why did patrick stewart shave his head? so he could badly go where no man has gone before .,0,en
why did the lemon turn green? because he had lime disease,1,en
"What's good about dating a baby Instead of a harsh breakup, you get a nice dinner ",0,en
i don't make typos. i make new words,1,en
"What do you say to a theologian graduate with a good GPA? ""Oh, high marks! How's your sects life?""",1,en
"Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted? Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home.",1,en
"A friend asked me how my long distance relation ship was going... So far, so good",0,en
why couldn't anyone help the tortilla? he didn't want to taco ' bout it,0,en
Why did the angel lose her job? She had harp failure.,1,en
"i was going to buy my friend a bottle of water for christmas. and then i realized , that would be tasteless",0,en
Trivia: If you stood every single Starbucks employee around the equator. I would totally steal a white chocolate and raspberry muffin,0,en
"nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person i just ran over .",0,en
i called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. very funny guys,1,en
what weighs more on the moon than on earth? a helium baloon,1,en
"if she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something",0,en
Idea: A Transformers movie that can transform into a much better movie.,0,en
I tried making a joke about broke people. It ended poorly.,0,en
""" oh is it by the starbucks? "" um threedots everything's by a starbucks",0,en
what is a american policeman's fave sport gorilla hunting,1,en
"Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct",1,en
What do you say to a video game developer who's not that hard? Ubisoft.,0,en
dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that . you don't live here . chew gum like the rest of us .,0,en
Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out? ...He was already taking out a tooth,0,en
"So I got a new job, and at the interview they told me I would be making millions... I'll be working at the U.S. Mint.",1,en
corn nuts is the name of a delicious snack treat. and a horrible medical condition,1,en
what do you call a crab that plays baseball? a pinch hitter .,1,en
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly,0,en
"Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink? Me: Yes, it's a period piece.",1,en
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now,0,en
Why are gingers such great interior designers? Their carpets always match their drapes,1,en
What do you call a Bronie in the military? A GIbronie!,1,en
What do you call a man who inherits a dairy? A Dairy Heir.,1,en
Two Cleaners In A Car. Broom Broom,1,en
"I haven't been on this sub for a while, but what on earth happened? I'm so confused",0,en
Did you hear about that time when Stephen Hawking wore a black suit at night? He didn't stand out very well.,1,en
"what did the woman say while she was having a baby? "" this could use some salt . """,1,en
How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers.,0,en
"i'm far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place ?",1,en
q : why did the man tear a page out of the calendar? a : he wanted to take a month off .,0,en
Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down,0,en
"if someone won't lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it's time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye .",0,en
"i can't see how this day could get any worse. first , my baby cousin went missing threedots and now my pet snake has a huge tumor",0,en
I have no problem with Capital Punishment in theory. I just have problems with its execution,1,en
"a poem roses are grey . violets are grey . lol, i'm a dog .",0,en
Copernicus was trying to figure out why the Sun set at night and rose during the day. Then it dawned on him,1,en
what do you call the memory of a camping trip? past tents,1,en
"doe a deer , a female deer. ray a hunter , with a gun",0,en
Why are Ford cars so popular? Because they are affordable.,1,en
My friends say I have a gambling addiction. I bet I don't,1,en
you know what the worlds best play on words is? scrabble .,0,en
How are cats like ovens? They both have 'self clean cycles',1,en
"If you eat a sub sandwich on a submarine, what do you eat on a train?  A pastrainmi sandwich.",1,en
"if they took all the money spent on making godzilla movies, they could've probably just made an actual godzilla by now .",1,en
do you know what's coming back in style? boomerangs .,1,en
"I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but he hesitated.",1,en
So I heard Tiger Woods changed his name. To Cheetah,0,en
How does an atheist start their prayers? To Whom It May Concern,1,en
"So NASA has bombed the moon. So, it seems the moon is hiding weapons of mass destruction too",1,en
tomatoes grow so fast. other plants can't even ketchup,1,en
A minor chord If you arpegio A minor chord that technically meams you are fingering A minor,1,en
what's the difference between a joke and your friend's blog? you enjoy it when a joke is posted on facebook,0,en
"I have qualities of both Albert Einstein and Arnold Schwarzenegger Body of Einstein, brain of Schwarzenegger",1,en
"I like my girls how VW likes their engines Small, flat, and in the trunk",1,en
"they should make a reality tv show called, "" jersey shore meets shark week """,1,en
"What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life? Smallpox",0,en
where is everybody ? everybody ? i don't know. all over the planet i guess,1,en
What does a fashionable dog do when it gets tired? Pants.,1,en
How does an old lady get wet? Incontinence,0,en
What was Dodi Fayed's favorite state? In Diana,0,en
"A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.",1,en
USDA steak inspector? YEP! Chuck Testa!,0,en
what is the beatles ' favourite social media site? reddit be,0,en
The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital. He's in fair condition,1,en
My co worker just asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire,1,en
I used to be an adventurer like you. But then I took an arrow to the knee,0,en
Rhodes Scholars are book smart. but road scholars are street smart,1,en
How do you discipline your pet rock? You hit rock bottom!,0,en
"We were playing shuffle board and pucks were hanging off the end, This board has so many hangers it could work for plan parenthood",1,en
Why Jesus can never be from Kansas? Because the cross would collapse under his weight ...,0,en
"told my mom "" the d "" stood for donuts, and now she won't stop telling people she wants the chocolate d .",1,en
"Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, ""Hey! Are you a superhero!?""  He yelled back, ""Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!""",1,en
"Return policy: ""If for any reason you are not satisfied. "" Ok, I'm not satisfied because dwarves and rockets",1,en
"So, there's a chicken and a frog in a library... The chicken shouts: ""Bok!"" The frog replies: ""Reddit!""",0,en
Roses are red violets are blue What happened here I left for a month and now everyone hates the sub?,0,en
Has anyone seen the trailer for the latest Tom Cruise movie? He can't go to the bathroom at all. It's called Mission Impissable.,1,en
What did the Giant say after he ate Tonga? 'I want Samoa!',1,en
Tony Stark's drag queen name. Fe Male,0,en
Now we can say KOBE when we score or miss Too soon?,0,en
shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is. i'll give you some time for this one,0,en
What happens when you call a duck? His phone wings,0,en
"pessimist : oh , this can't get any worse! optimist : yes , it can",1,en
"I have a strange attraction to bananas. I don't know why, I just find it apeeling",1,en
"men are fun to argue with, because even if they win threedots they lose .",1,en
"my gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so i guess i need to start wearing longer skirts .",1,en
"It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.",1,en
"we are happily married she's happy, and i am married !",0,en
"pool party at my house, bring ur own pool",0,en
"When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.",0,en
What did the farmer say to Pat Sajak? I'd like to buy an owl,1,en
"I thought I had life all sorted out, and then the wind blew.",0,en
how do socks reproduce? they have socks. goodnight folks,1,en
The CEO of Berkshire Hathaway should open a diner. And call it Warren's Buffet. ,0,en
what do my iphone and my girlfriend have in common? they both go off again two minutes later to remind me of the same thing .,0,en
Reddit comments are just filled with so many bad puns. that it should be renamed Geddit,1,en
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor's waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.,0,en
"I used to hate Vegemite, but I read that you only need to put a thin spread to enjoy it It's been much better. The cat is eating the whole thing now",1,en
What do you say to a female that studied gender science? Could I have the burger with fries please?,1,en
"sometimes i wonder if i need to spell it out to people threedots but then i realised i typed it, so i already did spell it out .",0,en
"if you play jazz backwards, you get slightly better jazz .",1,en
i lost a lot of teeth eating candy at the wrong time of day. just as her husband got home,0,en
What's Rihanna's favorite type of apple? She doesn't have one. She'll eat anyone that's bruised!,0,en
what do you call a man who rides his camel backwards? lawrence of dublin .,1,en
what did the doctor say to the cancer patient? you have tumor months to live .,1,en
my boss has a heart of gold. or whatever metal they're using these days to make robot hearts,0,en
How to get an inexhaustible supply of wood? To force Pinocchio to preach a sermon.,1,en
"today , i decided to see the good in everyone i meet. and to make sure i could do it , i didn't leave the house",1,en
what do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? sir .,1,en
"What do Super Mario Brothers, and relationships have in common? Sometimes you have to slay a few dragons before you get to the princess",0,en
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it? CW: That's my stapler Me: You didn't answer my question,0,en
"i'm like a rubik's cube, the more you play with me the harder i get !",0,en
"what song was playing at pulse last saturday night? "" it's raining men """,1,en
Why am I ambivalent about a swimming pool? It just deepends.,1,en
"i can't see very well in the dark but on the bright side, i see just fine .",0,en
What do cats eat on a hot summer day? Micecream!,0,en
"i tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when i put a coin next to it for scale it took the coin and put it in its wallet .",0,en
I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while. I hope he's ok,0,en
Dogs are tough. Been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy,0,en
What do a group of whales listen to on long journey? Podcasts. ,1,en
q : why didn't noah go fishing? a : he only had two worms !,0,en
"wife calls and says ""i think the carburetor is flooded"" experienced husband starts from the top. ""honey, where is the car? "" ""at the bottom of the pool""",1,en
"hey guys , wanna hear a joke? reddit servers .",0,en
There ain't enough tailgatin' in this country. Folks would like workin' and schoolin' more if they could tailgate in the parkin' lot first,0,en
"Do you like whales? Cause I thought we could ""Humpback"" at my place.",1,en
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can't sit through my daughter's violin recital without a desire to die,1,en
What do Batman films and religious farms have in common? They may have a Christian Bale in them.,1,en
i've just saved a ton of cash on the latest iphone. i didn't buy one,0,en
"Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You're doing great work, but I've identified a bunch of people you've overlooked.",0,en
tweet idea: a funny and popular one,0,en
"In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.",1,en
"Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win. they lose",1,en
"just finished the first chapter of this novel . tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow . sir, that's a phone book .",0,en
I'm sure you heard of that shooting in Florida... Guess all those kids gave up life for lent.,0,en
"You should really start thinking before you speak. and while you're at it, you should also think before you think",1,en
What do you call India's top TV Show? Dan Singh with the Sitars,1,en
why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? to get a bit of light relief .,1,en
"She's a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff",1,en
Q: Why is everyone tired of the king playing video poker on his porcelain throne? A: Cause they're sick of all his royal flushes.,0,en
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home,1,en
"You'd think by now the Food Network would have late night adult shows with roast beef, cream pies and salad tossing.",1,en
She said she was six I said she was a ten,1,en
"i just dropped my phone, is everyone okay ? !",0,en
"If you believe binoculars are overrated, then look no further.",0,en
Whats the difference between Pikachu and a fetus? The Pikachu evolved,1,en
"No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.",0,en
Did you hear about the man trapped in a nun's body? His name is God.,0,en
"My dog never listens to me, and I think he might have a speech impediment. He keeps balking at me when I try to tell him to be quiet",1,en
Me: Who's a good boy? Dog: I thought we settled this.,0,en
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat,1,en
How Did the Janitor Get Rich? Sweepstakes.,1,en
How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house? A right a right a right,0,en
how rare was the disease that killed tom jones ' wife? it's not unusual,1,en
What do you call a Californian school? Moving target practice.,1,en
What did the broken bridge say? I have truss issues.,1,en
"I hate arguing with my wife, but I like what comes after a big argument. she gives me the silent treatment and I get to play video games",1,en
here is my period story period. end of story,0,en
"Once you understand they're unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.",1,en
What is the best kind of plate for a continental breakfast? ... a tectonic plate!,0,en
"earth is indeed bipolar, but it's not a disorder .",1,en
"Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.",0,en
"Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.",0,en
"my wife and i play this fun game at home where one of us says , "" could you watch the kids for a minute? "" and runs .",1,en
"what am I? I'm owned by every man, though my length differs. Their wives use me after getting married Last Name",1,en
"In the time it took you to read this, Woody Allen made another film and it starred some big names and it was ok and now it's on DVD already",0,en
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat !,0,en
i planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. i quit,0,en
"If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.",0,en
The cemetery by the driving school is full. Full of people who took the crash course.,1,en
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though,0,en
"The people on the internet are so friendly. One guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool",1,en
"I used to miss Mitch Hedburg I still do... But I used to, too. RIP",0,en
Did you like www.flower.com? Not at first....but it grew on me!,0,en
"what did the tricep say to the muscular receptionist bye, 'cep!",0,en
"whenever someone says "" you know who you are, "" i always wonder if it's me and i don't realize it .",1,en
Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard. You won't get much help from those already there,0,en
Jesus' crucifixion was a success. They totally nailed it,1,en
"how is michael jackson like the thousands of people outside times square on new years? once the balls drop , they're no longer interested !",0,en
mother : how do you like your new teacher? son : i don't . she told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !,0,en
What do you call the worker on a farm who takes care of the chickens? The chicken tender ,1,en
What is the definision of mixed feelings? When your wife says that you have the largest in your street.,1,en
What do you call a musical about Jimmy Savile Kiddie Fiddler on the Roof,1,en
A surface topologist sits in a coffee shop thinking deeply about his research. he takes a sip from his doughnut,1,en
"walk like an egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood .",1,en
what do you call a math teacher in an anime? sin pi,1,en
you didn't comment on my selfie. who is she,0,en
Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one. I think he needs Help,1,en
Ricky Gervais has sold the rights to do an 'adult' adaptation of 'The Office' to Vivid Picture. It will be called 'The Orifice',1,en
How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up an turn it into a xylophone,1,en
Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...,0,en
Lettuce. Because water should be crunchy,1,en
My cousin just told me her cousin got her pregnant. oh wait...,0,en
I clocked this beautiful woman earlier. I'll probably never see her again it was a pretty big clock,0,en
Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed? So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.,1,en
i promised myself to quit smoking once i graduated. so i dropped out,1,en
It's hard to find true love these days. Even Charles Manson's fiance wanted him for his body,0,en
What does an approximately normal statistician eat for lunch? A large CLT,1,en
"What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist? Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI",1,en
whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral? the guest of honor always shows up late !,0,en
If you think about it... Chess isn't the only place where the Bishops are sideways.,0,en
I saw Tom Hanks today so I asked him for his autograph. He just wrote Thanks,0,en
"I've never understood the point in fire blankets. Who's ever been in a fire and thought, ""It's a bit chilly in here!""",1,en
he knows when you are sleeping he knows when you're awake. he knows if you've been bad or good threedots sounds like santa's had facebook way before us,0,en
did you hear about the time when king arthur slept with another woman? it was a one knight stand .,0,en
What Sticker Does A German Kid Get? Swas Sticker,1,en
my wife used to be a size eight. now she's a figure eight,0,en
i lost my mittens and my girlfriend today. one might say that i'm in between gloves,1,en
not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. probably the worst shark week ever,1,en
is it appropriate to force an adult to wear diapers? depends .,1,en
There's this girl in my class I really like I tried talking to her during recess but she holds no interest in teachers ,1,en
Someone told me to make a philosphy joke. My response: I Kant,1,en
why do elephants prefer cars instead of motorcycles? motorcycles don't have trunks,1,en
"if you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito .",1,en
"a busboy falls into a bottomless salad. hank holds back the new guy ""don't bother tryin to save him; he's gone.."" the screams slowly fade",1,en
What do you call a dog wearing a watch? You would call it a dog. A dog wearing a watch is not a watchdog.,1,en
what kind of baseball do burgers play? ketchup baseball !,1,en
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?,0,en
"It says here on your resume that you're ""good at traps, "" could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?",1,en
"Why aren't Superheroes ever married in movies? Because if the hostage in the final battle scene is their wife, they're probably not going to save her.",1,en
i read murder mystery books starting from the middle. i like the double sided suspense that builds up,1,en
Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too,1,en
"""My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, ""You're the third one this week""",1,en
"Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans? If he ate one more, it would be too farty!",1,en
Saw a picture of Justin Bieber on a horse. It looked as natural as sauerkraut on a bean bag chair,0,en
"Mike eats all day, that's all he does I guess he's living life to the fullest",1,en
a teacher keeps on talking . teacher : what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? student : a teacher !,1,en
Why is Robert Pattison so pale? There's no sunlight in the closet.,0,en
what do you call a dentist in the army? a drill sergeant !,1,en
Why were the Beakers all packed and moved out of the university lab? They were graduated,1,en
"Cathy on FB is ""feeling annoyed"" and is asking why people even own cell phones if they're not gonna answer. Can I tell her? Pleeease.",0,en
If there were no food left what could people do? Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people could have their traffic jams.,1,en
"i am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose .",1,en
Going to How to Train Your Dragon tomorrow. Or marriage guidance counselling as the wife calls it,1,en
Germans are always so quick to fix your mistakes when you trying to speak German. It's as if the whole German nation is on Otto correct,1,en
You know it's really hard to remove dirt nowadays. There's a small black spot on the past presidential spots that's hard to remove.,1,en
"why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? well , i'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers .",1,en
"if i had a dollar for every time you said something smart, i'd be broke .",0,en
What do you call a dead australian? Steve Irwin.,1,en
i don't know what i'd do without twitter. probably my work,1,en
I have an L shaped couch. lower case,1,en
ready for the only way to enjoy instagram? follow zero people . follow every dog .,0,en
What moved less than Jenny McCarthy's forehead tonight? Mariah Carey's mouth.,0,en
"Why would you download a car when you can download a shark, I'd bet it would be at least one gigabyte.",0,en
"I asked a friend of mine who cheats on his spouse how he sleeps at night. He responded ""With your wife, John""",1,en
"i'm sorry i jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion .",0,en
"how many days are there in canadian february? about twenty , eh .",1,en
I'm doing the vacuuming. It doesn't need doing but it's a legitimate way of annoying the kids,1,en
what's the difference between an apple? a bike because a vest has no sleeves .,1,en
Looking into buying a Saturn Ion sedan. All the reviews I have read have been positive or negative,1,en
no wonder my cigar tastes funny. it's just a really old hot dog,1,en
What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat? That you're on a wild Goose chase.,0,en
why do some people like to date pessimists? all that salt must make them thirsty .,1,en
what's the most embarrassed tree in the forest? oak wood .,0,en
why does bob ross hide his wife's razor? so she always has a happy little bush !,0,en
Where can you dance in California? San Frandisco.,0,en
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception",1,en
My Persian friend and I were having lunch. But something came up and I had Tehran,1,en
why didn't the cashier get the punchline? it didn't register .,1,en
"We have enough breakfast items for the toaster now, food scientists. Move on to the car heater vent",0,en
I like my partners like I like my work. Nine to five,0,en
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs? A furrycanine,1,en
"that awkward moment when someone adds you on facebook, but never says hi in real life .",0,en
"You attract more men when you smell like butter, sauteed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.",1,en
Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman,0,en
What will santa bring your fish this christmas? A scale letrix!,0,en
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.,0,en
What did Death say when his furniture was repossessed? There will be reapercushions.,0,en
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive.,0,en
"youtube joke youtube is like baseball, three strikes and you're out .",0,en
What kind of dog do IT people prefer? A Dobie,1,en
Lets just use another word. Instead of the B word. For example darkjokes,0,en
me : my flight was canceled so i won't be home until tomorrow. her : but you said you were just going out for milk,0,en
how do you make a hotdog with a tree? you fold it,0,en
"""Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?"" ""Staples?"" ""No....Paperclips.""",0,en
"Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter ""b"" and the letters ""th"". Oops, wrong bread.",0,en
Have you heard of the joke about the broken coinfactory? It doesn't make cents,1,en
What instrument can only be played by a pair of sheep? The tubaa.,1,en
What is M. Night Shamalan's favorite game? Twister.,0,en
What sea creature is regularly featured in The Walking Dead? CORAL,1,en
"can't wait to say "" i haven't seen you since last year! "" to everyone i see next week . i'm a very popular person with thousands of friends .",1,en
"people say i have the legs of a dancer. but until they find the rest of the body , the cops have nothing on me , man !",1,en
Researchers found out the most important difference between humans and apes Apes lives in Africa,1,en
"i heard my son's girlfriend screaming "" oh god! "" in his bedroom upstairs threedots im so glad he found a good religious girl .",0,en
"i couldn't sleep because my fan was making loud noises. yeah , it's a huge metal fan !",0,en
"I like my friends like I like my tires. Black, in chains, and stored in my garage.",0,en
"My friend, upon hearing that Chris Pratt will be in the new Jurassic World film. Are you looking forward to Jurassic Parks and Recreation",0,en
"If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.",1,en
"What is the difference between a woman and a forklift? There is none. In both cases, if you don't have one, you unload by hand.",1,en
Did you see the movie about oil and water? It's immiscible.,1,en
The cause of Kobe Bryant dead in in the description  description,1,en
"The say the job market isn't good for an English Major... ...but hey, at least you're still higher than a captain.",1,en
"There once was a soldier named Private Acid HQ called him back. When he got to home base, he was found neutralized",1,en
"my neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs rt him .",1,en
"Do you know that percussionist in the band? Yeah, he rings a bell.",1,en
"Did you hear the joke about the roof? I would tell you, but it tends to go over people's heads",1,en
What do you call a rapper in japan? Rapanese ,1,en
"Mrs. Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious",1,en
"if you love something set it free . if it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos . if it doesn't that's twice the tacos for you .",0,en
Vegans don't like gatherings. They just can't meat.,1,en
ugh i have to write an autobiography? story of my life .,0,en
How did the Endorian get to school every day? Ewok'd.,0,en
Did you know that Korean Tinder requires women to post a childhood photo? It's because of the bait and switch laws.,1,en
"let them know how much you care. this holiday season , say it with a mass text",0,en
"""What's on the inside is what counts. "" My sister, while opening the fridge",0,en
What's similar about a xbox and gemini offical Kids turn them on,1,en
what does team rocket and a peeping tom have in common? they are both always trying to get a pikachu .,1,en
What do you call it when a banana eats another banana? Canabananalism,1,en
people stuck in an elevator called for help. they were let down,1,en
I have a joke But first I'd like to acknowledge that we are on treaty six territory.,0,en
I had a really good joke. but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime,0,en
What do you get after you crossed a kid and her dog? Edo...wardo...,0,en
"a woman who has no idea how hot she is, is so hot .",0,en
What's the opposite of Tim Walken? Tim Daly.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? Dingo Starr !,0,en
"Whats blue and pretty on top, and brown and kind of a bummer in the bottom? The Mediterranean Sea.",0,en
I tried to do A minor once. But my fingers were to short to reach it on the keyboard,1,en
"When my wife and I have a disagreement, I always have the last word. usually it's, ""Yes Dear""",1,en
"I bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend... ...unfortunately, it wouldn't fit inside her.",0,en
Why did the DJ have such small hands? Wee paws for station identification.,1,en
"I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong. Now I stand corrected",1,en
apocalypse cheese i bought some apocalypse cheese. it said best before the end,0,en
"Coffee rules everything around me. C.R.E.A.M. Get the sugar. Java java beans, y'all.",0,en
"What did the mother say to the child who refused to eat his fossil for dinner? Trilobite, you'll love it!",1,en
My name is Jamal and... I don't know why no one calls me for a job interview.,1,en
"My friend said he wanted to throw long, but I'm lazy, so I just told him to ask his dad.",1,en
Long term health risks include death. DOESN'T THAT END YOUR TERM,1,en
Noah. The original Pokemon Master,0,en
what's the worst part of an nfl wedding? getting hit by rice,1,en
New rule All comments and posts MUST contain swearsies,0,en
Martial Arts for weak prisoners A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo,1,en
What does Mortal Kombat and a Helsinki church have in common? Finnish hymns,1,en
Who decides which weeds to kill in the garden? Weedicide.,1,en
"Anybody hear about what happened when Nietzche died? Oh, well I guess it doesn't really matter anyway...",0,en
You know what they say about a man with cold hands. No gloves,0,en
"Instead of yelling ""Hello? "" when u think a murderer's in your home, say ""Goodbye"" Then if he's there he'll be like well OK guess I'm leaving",0,en
Did you know there is a town in Pennsylvania with the same same as one of the Great Lakes? It's eerie.,1,en
"Horse trots up and says to mirror: ""why the long face? "" Mirror says ""It's okay, I'm just a bit reflective today."" I'll be here all week folks.",1,en
"The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat",1,en
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.,0,en
"Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans The dog comes in to show emotional support. followed by the cat, who came to judge",1,en
"I'd say that the biggest woosh in the history of mankind was in Hiroshima, But that joke dropped before it flew over their heads...",0,en
what is the disease that killed princes diana? Car pole tunnel syndrome,1,en
"did you hear about the million dollar dutch lottery? if you win , you get a dollar a year threedots for a million years .",0,en
"Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of",0,en
apparently women prefer men who are taller than them. so i guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards,1,en
What do you call a professional violinist when they're young? A kiddie fiddler.,1,en
i was looking in the mirror this morning and noticed a tiny bald patch on the top of my head. it appeared out of thin hair,1,en
What do you call friends you like to eat with?  Tastebuds,1,en
"Picking up McDonald's coffee now for tomorrow morning. Hopefully, it'll be cooled down by then",0,en
Want to hear a joke? Adam Sandler's career,0,en
People are like bananas.... it's so satisfying to peel the skin off.,1,en
how's this for a magic trick: i sign into twitter and my desire to do anything productive just disappears .,0,en
What type of car insurance does OJ da Juiceman have? Triple Aaayyy,0,en
how many people in brazil shave? a brazilian .,1,en
I changed my mind Wife: I changed my mind. Husband: Does the new one work,0,en
When a guy asks for woman's hand? when he is tired of his own,1,en
What do Ethiopians call Lent? Tuesday.,1,en
What keeps fish from flying of Niagara Falls? They don't have a pilots license.,1,en
What is the digestive system? The digestive system is a system which starts with one hole and ends with one hole,1,en
Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today? No. Is there a strike? No they're stopping to let the passengers off,1,en
"If you like to spoon, you'll love to spatula. That's where I flip you over to make certain you're done properly on both sides",1,en
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it,1,en
"i always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back .",1,en
Weird Computer Error UK. eu has unexpectedly stopped working,0,en
the most scientific pet? the lab .,1,en
How do you pick up a pregnant woman? With a vacuum cleaner.,1,en
Chemistry Professor: Is it a good or bad thing that ice is less dense than water? Me: It wasn't good for the Titanic.,1,en
"Why is it called an ""almond"" in the tree but an ""amond"" when it falls to the ground? When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it.",1,en
My uncle has been doing a lot of composting lately  since I buried him in the garden.,0,en
What's the most electronegative state? Fluorida!,0,en
"I totally get your eyebrows. My bank account is overdrawn, too",0,en
"It's embarrassing when you're the only one out on the dance floor. and by dance floor, I mean the electronics department in Walmart",1,en
Why did it take the computer so long to decide whether it wanted to buy an Egyptian cotton sheet? Because it had too many threads.,1,en
What's the difference between a Dutch Oven and a German Stove? I don't know but they both use gas,1,en
"What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was? George Lucas.",0,en
my favorite religion is that one that doesn't try to force their beliefs on you. what's that one called again ?,1,en
"why aren't cowboy jokes funny? ya herd one , ya herd em all .",0,en
why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject? it's just average .,1,en
"What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming? My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.",1,en
"guys , if you have to point your toes to put your pants on , those aren't your pants. give them back to your sister",1,en
I stole a wolf pup from a rundown wildlife refuge. Turns out it was just a Shih Tzu,0,en
"Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it's the donut",1,en
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.,0,en
What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach? A tangent,0,en
"I'm beginning to question your proclamation of your ""spiritual gifts"". You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect",1,en
"oh, i'm sorry . i didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how i should live it . please continue while i take notes .",0,en
what's big and hairy and goes ' beep beep '? a monster in a traffic jam .,0,en
"You: ""Whale you be my Valentuna? "" Me: ""Dolphinately.""",1,en
"a gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. is the house made of flesh ? or is he made of house ? he screams , for he does not know",1,en
There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you. at that time,0,en
The Commonwealth Games: For when you can't win an Olympic medal.,1,en
my wife found out i was cheating after she found the letters i was hiding. she got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again,0,en
What is the most important use for cowhide? To hold the cow together.,1,en
"Parkinson's Disease was named after its discoverer, Dr. Timothy Disease",1,en
what's brown and runs around your garden? your fence .,0,en
What do you call an alligator with a map? A Navigator.,1,en
What did the magician say to the aerial student? I work on a different plane,1,en
why are chemists always a part of the problem? because they can never be a part of the solution .,1,en
Where do geneticists store vegetables? In the CRISPR drawer,1,en
What do you call a vessel full of academics? A scholarship,1,en
What did one telepath say to the other telepath? Nothing.,1,en
"There's a long long story I want to share. Going to the toilet with nothing in my hand, even a piece of paper.",0,en
why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? because it's all heart .,1,en
"my girlfriend tells me her body is a temple everyone's welcome, but you just have to take your shoes off before you enter .",1,en
"Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don't wash the vegetables when I make their salads.",1,en
What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken,1,en
"I came, I saw, I died. Veni, Vidi, Avicii. ",0,en
what's worse than losing one arm? losing both your arms .,0,en
"Voting this year will be like going to the dentist. No one wants to do it, but we all know we should for our own good",1,en
My phone died. There won't be any service,0,en
Did you hear about the fish that went deaf? It had to buy a herring aid,1,en
I always find New Year's Eve stressful. I've been diagnosed with old langxiety,1,en
I love kale. Just as long as the K is silent,0,en
What do robots dip in salsa? Microchips,1,en
What kinda gum won't you find at the cash register? Bluegums,0,en
what's the true meaning of a new years resolution? something you do for the first week of the new year .,0,en
How do you know if your neighbourhood is french? The landlord is missing ,1,en
I can't be Levi never tried speech wreck ignition soft wear be four. This is sofa king convene Yenta!,0,en
What company makes the best fireworks? Spacex,0,en
"when you really want fried potatoes, just remember threedots keep your eyes on the fries",0,en
"There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces",1,en
I hung two things up today A photo of my son with his friend and him and his friend ,0,en
"I dropped my phone in my porridge this morning, It took a while to sink in.",0,en
A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is... Married.,1,en
What programming language do they use in Star Wars? JawaScript,1,en
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely,1,en
"I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting",0,en
"so i tried to get a ride from subway. , turns out that they don't deliver",0,en
"a rich guy walks by threedots when someone asks , "" what's that smell? "" the man turns around and says , "" i'm sorry , it must be my elon musk . """,1,en
"If you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live",0,en
What does a greek say when gets his salary? Danke!,0,en
what is the most faithful insect? a flea once they find someone they like they stick to them !,0,en
What could have saved Kobe Bryant? The Up soundtrack,0,en
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate. She was a dish,1,en
What did the priest say about consorting with the sisters of the church? Nun is better!,1,en
"Well, well, well. If it isn't the lesson I should've learned by now",0,en
What is it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks! ,0,en
I used to tell this great joke about homeopathy. But I've told it so many times the humour has been diluted,1,en
broke a light bulb today. seven years of bad ideas ?,0,en
a patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth . patient : doctor i have yellow teeth what do i do? dentist : wear a brown tie !,1,en
What do you call a malady effecting reproduction in turtles? A reptile dysfunction,1,en
religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones .,1,en
"i have been taking notes so if you are missing notes, i probably have them",0,en
why did my wife cross the road? to go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago .,0,en
what gets wet when it dries. a towel,0,en
why did the blind student get an f on his paper? he didn't sight sources .,1,en
"Oliver Twist: ""Please sir, I want some more! ?"" Manger: ""Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?""",0,en
Did you Know that Steven Hawking was British ? He sure didn't sound British to me. ,0,en
short joke i thought of . what's the difference between sheep and women? the welsh don't know yet either .,1,en
"life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel .",1,en
What is white and works in KFC? The light switch. ,0,en
"Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: ""Katherine Heigl movies.""",1,en
What is common with overly attracted girlfriend and bubblegum on a carpet They both say: I'm stuck on you. Edit: wrote it wrong Edit: corrected spelling,0,en
So I just realised there are two exact same locations in PUBG Shooting range and School ,1,en
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this,1,en
The chef overcooked the beef... it was a misteak!,0,en
yeah i can take a hint. i'm not going to though,0,en
what happens to the taxidermist after he eats? he gets stuffed .,1,en
"""I just discovered Louis XIV had a nickname."" ""Sun King?"" ""Not yet, I'm still in shock.""",0,en
At what point in the transition from a man to a women. Does your pay decrease,0,en
"When it comes to volunteering on my gynecology residency, I'm the first to put my hand up.",1,en
Q: Why was the blood donation unsuccessful? A: Because it was all in vein.,0,en
"PayPal is spinning eBay off into its own company. After several years, PayPal finally got tired of living with a hoarder",1,en
Why do hipsters drink their Jello? They want to have it before it's cool.,1,en
Autism speaks Autism is a communication disorder ,1,en
i've never dumped a girl. i always lay them peacefully in a field to be discovered by school children,1,en
what does a farmer do at a strip club? make it grain .,1,en
What do you call a crazy bug on the moon? A lunar tick.,1,en
There is a moment during the cremation Where the meat is perfectly cooked,1,en
"i have ocd and adhd threedots so everything has to be just right, but only for a little while .",0,en
Stop locking comments Stop locking comments,0,en
"What's the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes, the other decomposes...",1,en
Whats the most muscled cereal ? Cornflex,0,en
You know the thing about holy water? I don't see the use of water with holes,1,en
A guy walks into a Starbucks and orders a tall blonde to go. The girl behind him then leaves,1,en
What keeps running and doesn't get tired? A Kenyan child.,1,en
Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.,1,en
"What's the similarity between NSFW tags and XXXTenacion jokes? Right now, they're way too overused",0,en
You know what most people hate about ambiguity? Stuff.,1,en
"Although I don't care for rap music, I don't denigrate it. For those who like rap music, denigrate means to speak negatively about",1,en
What is white sugary has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue !,0,en
did you see the recent movie about the rabbi? i forget which part they cut out .,1,en
"i dont care what anyone says, i dont have a follow up statement i just dont care what anyone says .",0,en
life is like a burrito. if you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of chipotle,1,en
What type of flowers did the dead man gift his bride on their wedding day ? reincarnations,1,en
Why is Barbie's boyfriend afraid of commitment? He's a chic Ken.,0,en
"I once tripped and fell into a deep crevasse. Sorry, that's the hole joke",0,en
why did the pirate date the mermaid? he thought finding x in her algebra would lead to booty .,0,en
What is the opposite of an iPad Mini? A Maxi Pad,0,en
"ME: I had salmon for lunch. WIFE: the L is silent. ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.",0,en
"If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.",0,en
Why did the artist skip the dessert course? He did not have the monet.,1,en
"I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I'm getting carried away.",0,en
What Do You Call a Romantic Basketball Player? Love Shaq,1,en
What do you throw to a drowning banjo player? His mandolin.,1,en
"Stranger: so what do you do? Me: I'm in seminary S: seminary huh? so you can't get married? M: nah, I can't get married bc of my personality",1,en
This year I'll avoid all the trouble of taking down my Christmas lights. I'll just turn my house into an Italian restaurant,1,en
So Zayn quit the band? His life is obviously taking on a new direction...,0,en
"once upon a time , i used to worry that people would think i'm weird. these days i'm genuinely surprised when they don't",1,en
i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead,0,en
what do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building? left behind,1,en
When's the best time to tell a child about death? Before the second trimester.,0,en
"when you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman marry three times .",0,en
what kind of coat does a vampire wear in the rain? a wet one .,1,en
"What do you get when you cross a Dachshund, a Schnauzer, a Shih Tzu, and a Poodle? A Wienerschnitzel.",1,en
A student is the only one in the school who can take retests. They say he is remarkable,1,en
What do a down syndrome and a dog have in common ? They both dribble and no one understands them,1,en
"the waiter came up to our table . he said , "" can i take your order? "" i said , "" sure . "" he said , "" thanks , i'm just really hungry . """,1,en
Himalayan TIL that the person who invented Himalayan salt was a guy who got tired and had to lay down for a nap.,0,en
what did justin beiber say to his teacher? what do you mean,1,en
What's the best way to break in a new pair of shoes? Moonwalking,0,en
What do ghosts like about riding horses? Ghoulloping.,1,en
what do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog? an animal that barks at low flying aircraft !,1,en
you know sometime you gotta take risk thats what my friend said after jumping off the grand canyon,0,en
RIP Niki Lauda.. the second most famous Austrian to smash a race.,0,en
I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day. Or you can just take the whole thing,0,en
"some say a world without sin is ideal , but i disagree. after all , there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan",1,en
"I met this lovely girl who's an amputee; lost her arms...She's a joy to be around, but... I just can't ask for her hand in marriage",0,en
"has a fever: i'm ok coughs out lungs: i'm ok throat on fire: i'm ok is hungry: death, despair and chaos has entered my life",1,en
How many inhabitans does ethopia have? Depends on the wind ,1,en
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function? ' Kristen: 'Mom you eat it all the time and I haven't seen ANY improvement.',0,en
I like veggie burgers... Knowing the cow was lobotomized before it died makes it taste that much better.,0,en
"No matter how long I wait to pretend I just noticed the other person walking toward me in a long corridor, I always nod too soon.",1,en
"Intellectual person on phone. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?",1,en
"If you wrote essay about Chinese, food what would it be called? Dogcument",1,en
Don't get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos,0,en
what do i think about my toes? they couldn't be further from my mind .,1,en
I got a new saltwater boat I use it for saline,1,en
What's the funniest thing about this subreddit Mods.,0,en
"whenever someone asks me to sign their cast , i always write: last warning , you have a week to get the money together .",1,en
what does an american actor say when going to europe? let's go pal .,1,en
"In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.",1,en
time waits for no man. unless that man is chuck norris,0,en
Does this joke work in Dutch: werkt deze grap?,1,en
Why are ET's eyes so big? He got the phone bill,1,en
My next song is about subtraction. Take it away,1,en
Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets? They take the senor discount.,1,en
My wife converted to Judaism during Batman Begins. It was a real Christian Bail,1,en
"I got hoes, in different Area compost",0,en
"When I first saw your face... I realised ""Oh, so some people did survive the gas chambers""",1,en
What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest? The constellation prize.,1,en
santa has elves. america has china,0,en
my pet lizard was acting really strange the other day so i took it to the vet. she said it was a reptile dysfunction,1,en
what happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad? it became a daddy short legs !,0,en
My girl's got the Dubstep of Periods. I'm waiting forever for it to drop,0,en
"it's may day, but i don't see any sinking ships .",0,en
What piece of furniture can you always trust? A Reputable.,1,en
I like my reddit jokes like I like my coffee. Dark and tasteless,1,en
"An astrologer asks a lady if she wanted to know her husband's future. To which she replied, ""I decide his future, tell me about his past""",1,en
what's the difference between a hippie girl and a can of beans? you would still eat the beans after a month in the woods,1,en
How do you get a unicorn from neighing in your front yard? Put it in the back yard.,0,en
How does Kendall Jenner celebrate Father's Day? She doesn't.,0,en
"I got tired of resetting all my clocks after all the power outages this week. Today I woke up at the crack of random, blinking time o'clock",0,en
"first rule of parent club: if your kid gets their head stuck in something , make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out .",1,en
Did you hear about the guy would couldn't open the gherkin jar? He was in quite a pickle.,0,en
"After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.",1,en
Ugh. It's bath time again and I always forget if you wash the baby on 'delicates' or 'permanent press',0,en
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: They're trying to get away from the noise.,0,en
Airbags are srs business. anyone,1,en
"""Hello! Thanks for calling the urology department."" Please hold",0,en
breaking news: we can all tell kanye something because we're still waiting for him to get his money right,1,en
My doctor wouldn't examine me when I said I was having hearing problems. He just said it was ear relevant,1,en
"Hey I got your text but then I died, I'll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though",0,en
"what's green , lies in a ditch , and is covered in cookie crumbs? a girl scout that got hit by a car .",0,en
why couldn't the expert fisherman get any dates? because he said he was a master baiter .,1,en
"My girlfriend is great in bed She is the only one so far not to ask ""who are you""and""what if our mum finds out.""",1,en
what did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema? fancy a bite,1,en
What do you call it again where you think of a tweet while you're offline so you have to say it out loud? Conversation,1,en
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe,1,en
"IMAGINE if twitter, facebook, and msn all broke at the same time. we might have to actually get lives",0,en
"Why did Avicii never get wise? ""I'll grow wiser when I'm older""",0,en
knock knock who's there ! cereal ! cereal who? cereal pleasure to meet you !,0,en
What's the difference between a hurricane and an old car horn? One blows hard while the other hardly blows!,0,en
Why did the star go to the bathroom? Because it had to Twinkle.,0,en
Imagine if things had been reversed. We'd be eating Lou Gehrig candy bars and getting Babe Ruth's disease,1,en
Have you seen the new Stephen Hawking's movie? They say it's too good you won't be able to move from your seat the entire film.,0,en
"Why DOES ""February"" have that extra R? It should just be ""Februay.""",1,en
"what is blue , green , red , yellow , purple , orange , black , brown , and gray? a box of crayons .",0,en
"Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.",1,en
must spend less time with my dogs. haven't bitten the mailman yet but i am starting to circle three times before sitting down,0,en
What do native American and modern day American society have in common? Navaho lot.,1,en
What did the fruit enthusiast do as he was dying? Prepear for the end.,0,en
what did adele name her sandwich shop? a deli,0,en
"They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life's three great concerns: one's birth, one's future legacy, and cowboy",1,en
"so i told my secretary threedots to go buy me a fighting stick , but the best he could find was a walking stick. honestly you can't get the staff",0,en
What do you call Michael J. Fox when he goes on a trip overseas... Shakes on a Plane,1,en
if a mathematician were to be any part of a kitchen which would he be? the counter .,1,en
just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. so some of you just got to first base with me,1,en
what animal always goes to bed with its shoes on? a horse !,0,en
"""The katana the greatest sword of all time folded over a thousand times to be able to cut through anything."" Didnt cut through those two bombs though",0,en
Monica Lewinsky was recently offered a new position at a prestigious boarding school. Headmaster,1,en
"Depression hits you like a train Well, you wish it did",0,en
Why are all Stormtroopers virgins? Because they don't hit anything.,1,en
"hunter s. thompson was cool, but there were also tribes that were gatherer s. thompson",1,en
never trust your kids. you know who their parents are,0,en
what does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy? poverty,1,en
"You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.",1,en
I've just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!,0,en
What do you call a company run entirely by ghosts? An incorporation.,1,en
"why was the healthy potato not allowed on the plane? he was on the "" no fry "" list .",1,en
Where do spiders surf? On the world wide web.,1,en
How do you spell onomatopoeia? Just spell it like the way it sounds!,0,en
"When you tell Optimus Prime a joke, what do you hear? Vehicular man's laughter",1,en
What's the similarities between Detroit and Stephen hawking's legs? They don't work.,0,en
what do you get when you cross france and britain? canada .,1,en
Samsung developed an infinite space hard drive. Only problem is they're still formatting it,1,en
They say breaking a sweat every day is one of the healthiest things you can do. good thing I eat a lot of Indian food,1,en
Where can you find the Titanic? TL;DR at the bottom,0,en
"""What did two years of Spanish classes teach you in high school? "" Nadar",1,en
"Pickpocketing rates are so high in Barcelona, after browsing Street View my PayPal account got emptied.",1,en
An art thought he lost his favorite colour of paint but... It was just a pigment of his imagination Edit: I meant artist,1,en
I am not a racist but. I am not a racist but you have to agree that Little Cesars' Five dollar piazza is a good buy,0,en
What is a trailer park's favorite game? Twister,0,en
"Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!",0,en
"what rhymes with jon snow? he doesn't know . , sorry for the lame joke , just made it up .",0,en
What is wrong with me?! ? Asking for a friend..,0,en
do you like christmas? then why don't you merry it,0,en
"I'm an honest, hardworking kind of guy. I lied, I'm too lazy to even come up with a good punchline for this.",1,en
"my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees",1,en
what do you call the dollar tree stores in britain? pound town,1,en
"One time a friend said that he ""ain't never had no nothing"". It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative",1,en
"who wore ""it"" better? chestor bennington ....robin williams?",1,en
Guy: I want a room Receptionist: Sorry no rooms available G: My name is improvement R: So what? G: there is always a room for improvement !!!,0,en
What do you get a kid in a wheelchair for their birthday? A Trampoline,0,en
"No thanks lady, I don't need a tray I'll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee's",1,en
Although I'm not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I'm not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me,1,en
why does the boy could not bend his knees? because he had no knees,1,en
"I can do a great impersonation of a hipster. I'd show it to you but it's not mainstream, you probably wouldn't get it",1,en
"Ordered a side of fries with my meal and the server forgot and they never came. I have been wronged before, but not like this. Not like this",0,en
"Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas? Because everyone there hates integration.",1,en
why is it best to be bitten quickly by one mosquito? because an itch in time saves nine .,0,en
"note to self: don't set your password reminder as "" you should know this """,0,en
What's a blind person's least favorite theme park? Seaworld,0,en
What's the similarity between frozen cheese and my girlfriend? Both are very cold and full of holes.,0,en
"c'mon , dude. man up and ask her if she likes me",0,en
what would you have if your car's motor was in flames? a fire engine .,0,en
"Her: I can't cook because, I ""believe"" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that? Me: The arrival of the paramedics",1,en
"wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: "" he's such a sensitive child . let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant . """,1,en
someone asked me if i liked having long hair. i told them i didn't at first but it kinda grew on me,1,en
What language do teapots speak? Teabrew.,1,en
What do seismologists eat for breakfast? Panquakes and shakin',1,en
I like my neighbors like I like my winters. White.,0,en
"...I wanted to design defensive structures for the city.... as it turns out, not my Forte.",1,en
"I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are ""Halloween decorations"" again.",0,en
They say repetition is the key to success The kid hanging from my ceiling fan has a bright future,1,en
"What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement? A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.",1,en
Have you heard of nihilism? Its kind of a Nietzsche philosophy.,1,en
q : how do you tell which is the groom at a polish wedding? a : he's the one with the clean bowling shirt .,0,en
"today i meet a man with a glass eye he didn't tell me, it just popped out in the conversation",1,en
What do elephants do in the evenings? Watch elevision !,1,en
Juice Wrld died today. You can say that the juice expired.,0,en
q : mom's have mother's day father's have father's day . what do single guys have? a : palm sunday .,0,en
How do dragons in Antarctica stay warm? They always have several lairs.,1,en
"what's better , google or yahoo? let's google it .",0,en
"Peta and Repeata were in a boat. Peta fell out, who survived? The animals.",0,en
What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher? Ground round!,0,en
""" inside amy schumer "" is funny threedots as it's a show i never wish to watch, and a place i never wish to be .",0,en
"Haven't seen any Harambe memes for a while, I suppose this means Harambe is dead..",0,en
My dead niece did nothing with her life All her life she was sitting in her womb.,0,en
How is the new Meta Gear game? Its solid.,0,en
At least we can all agree on this Steve irwin got A LOT of tail,0,en
What did the recent Sunni convert says about ISIS? They really scared the Shiite outa me!,1,en
My daughter just asked me about UpBro! Lol Can you believe it?,0,en
felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. i feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees,1,en
"when a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than letting him keep her .",0,en
"even though his lawyer had told him to check the fine print , he hadn't expected this: it was the sexiest print he'd seen in years .",1,en
I like Michael Jordan better than Kobe Bryant He COULD fly like an eagle,0,en
Anyone can beat a polygraph. It doesn't even have hands,1,en
What is a hebephile's least favorite awards show? Teen Choice. ,0,en
dj vu. the feeling you get when you've heard the same music in a club before,1,en
you hear about the blind guy on wheel of fortune? he asked if he could buy an i .,0,en
What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Stephen King? OJ's truth is stranger than King's fiction.,1,en
"I own a real skeleton I'd take it out and show you, but i'm using it right now.",0,en
Vegan pizza. is basically just the box,1,en
"Who knew George Michael's ""Last Christmas"". was about the coroner",1,en
"My parents are in town and said they'd be at my house in ten minutes, and I'm wondering if that's enough time to build a moat.",1,en
"most things in life aren't free. however if you run fast enough , they are",1,en
"what looks like grass but is red? grass , i lied about the red part",0,en
Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped? Demeter wasn't working.,0,en
My dog chewed a hole in my shirt we have the same taste in clothes,1,en
"Lotta single women are getting a ""What's up? "" text right now.",0,en
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape. He had special kneads.,1,en
"There once was an old lady who swallowed a battery, She got acid reflex.",0,en
"i'm addicted to halloween! nobody seems to know how to "" treat "" it",1,en
what did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months? i think we should sea otter people .,1,en
"Bless me, Father, for I have used Comic Sans. It's been eight weeks since my last use of Helvetica",1,en
"What a shame. Parallel line have so much in common, such a shame they will never meet up.",0,en
what do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand .,0,en
What did the last tree at the spring party say? I must be leafing soon.,0,en
Why granny didn't cross the road? She was hit by a truck,0,en
What's the hardest part of making monster soup? Stirring it.,1,en
why do philosophers love the ocean so much? because it's deep !,1,en
"You know, I frankly don't find Isaac Newton's work all that original. I mean, half of his works were all derivatives anyway",1,en
"What has blonde hair, blue eyes and tends to ailed animals? A VeterinArian.",1,en
i hate pillow talk when i sleep alone. it just gets me down,0,en
HELLO automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn't finished,0,en
"just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be facebook friends, dad .",0,en
"So we are all made of atoms, and atoms never touch each other right? So then to answer your question officer, no I did not touch that toddler",0,en
My housemate is going away to Oslo. He asked if I wanted to come along but I said Norway,1,en
"Did you hear about the woman who used a fake name and married a renown psychologist? She committed Frued. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.",0,en
Can somebody explain to me the uproar over the CEO editing posts? I mean... what part of Chief Editing Officer don't these people understand,1,en
what's your favourite colour? i love green ' cos it reminds me of blue .,0,en
Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs,1,en
"Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.",1,en
What's the weather like in the ghetto? A little muggy.,0,en
i never question myself. why should i start now ?,1,en
Why do bad pitchers always make a mess of pancakes? They always hit the batter.,1,en
"I'm not afraid of death. I've wan't to die in my sleep like my father did. Not screaming, like the passengers in his bus",0,en
who are your favorite underground artists? mine are michael jackson and whitney houston,0,en
I used to live with a girl. until she realized I was there,0,en
"Did you hear they invented a new logical fallacy, the ""ad homonym"" attack? ... It's not what it sounds like.",1,en
"They say everything is bigger in Texas, but their buses are usually shorter.",1,en
who makes a million dollars a day? someone who works in a mint .,0,en
"to back up his "" every action has an equal and opposite reaction "" theory, newton should've released one simultaneously saying "" no it doesn't """,1,en
why is steam such a hipster? because it was water before it was cool .,1,en
My dad got carpal tunnel syndrome from being on a keyboard in an office all day. It got so bad his boss made him get rid of the piano,1,en
What does a turkey do when he flies upside down? He gobbles up.,1,en
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.",1,en
What's best about a sixteen year old girl? Her fourteen year old best friend.,0,en
What happens when Superman sees Superwoman? He becomes the Man of Steel,1,en
"A Thai football team and their coach get stuck down an underground cave for fifteen days... And yet, they are still better divers than Neymar Jr.",1,en
Hype for the Major release of Star Wars vii. I hope it hasn't diminished in quality,1,en
What does Deleware? A New Jersey,0,en
Why do women wear striped bras? Because it's a ZEBRA.,1,en
why can't you find pirates in kansas? they all live in arkansas,1,en
why did the boat know it had a leak? that sinking feeling threedots,0,en
"This new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.",1,en
why do women love men who work with horses? because those men have got stable jobs .,1,en
What has teenage pregnancy in common with shopping? The dad always disappears,1,en
"No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.",0,en
The Titanic was a German philosopher. It got famous for sinking,1,en
What's the difference between AutoMod and Satan? Satan does his job correctly.,1,en
"Welcome, take off your pants. and jacket",0,en
I invited OJ Simpson to my Thanksgiving dinner. He's good at carving white meat,0,en
What is the most successful brand of German deodorant? Zyklon B,1,en
what do you call fake german currency? question marks,1,en
Where can you gain weight and lose pounds at the same time? In Britain,1,en
what do you call a beautiful girl in boston? a tourist .,1,en
I don't have a high opinion about myself when I play PC games. It's my low self on Steam,1,en
"let us not judge a man based on the color of his skin, but by which character he picks in super smash bros .",1,en
why are there commercials for milk? who still doesn't know about milk,1,en
Harry Potter's favorite band Just read the new Harry Potter story on Pottermore and learned one interesting factoid. His favorite band is Wand Erection,1,en
What do you call a hot pepper with nothing inside it? A hollowpeno,1,en
What is the most romantic city in England? Loverpool!,0,en
da bears. that's it that's the whole joke,0,en
still can't find my keys. i should probably check the everything bagel,0,en
i fell in love at first sight. i should have looked twice,0,en
"What do Plains Native Americans have in common with moderately sized sea dwelling mammals? For all in tents and porpoises, they're constantly moving.",1,en
My friend told me to describe him So I divided by zero,1,en
what do you call a broke actor? johnny debt .,1,en
What kind of car does a cat drive? A Cadillac.,1,en
"I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan",1,en
What is the name of the three men band? HeHeHe ,0,en
when girls are mad at you they go on twitter and rt something that is the exact reason they're mad. they find it in under a minute too,1,en
"kevin spacey's religion if you google Kevin spacey's religion it says its private, so his religion is private but the places he touched aren't",0,en
Some people say I'm too vague...  But you know the famous saying...,0,en
What part of the world did Jeffery Epstein spend the most time in? Asia Minor,0,en
"if i ever become rich , you know where all my money is going? to the bank",0,en
What do you call the sexiest music note? A minor,1,en
"Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself. And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on ""COPS""",1,en
With oil prices falling. Burning the midnight oil just got cheaper,1,en
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Unless you're talking about Oreos,0,en
"Sia's full name is: ""Sia...Wouldntwannabia.""",1,en
I was getting bored of the stationary targets at the gun range So I went to school,1,en
One comedian on Britain's got talent brought on wrapped boxes. He said he wanted to have on stage presence,1,en
"""Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you"" Yeah. so is a grenade",0,en
"What did the daddy salt say to his son? ""Stop cracking your NaCles.""",1,en
my dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. how's your night going ?,0,en
"i'm not a great lap dancer, i've got two left cheeks .",0,en
What do you call a tuber that buys his girlfriend chocolates? A sweet potato.,1,en
they say you learn alot from your first relationship ya! that's why i'm not having a second,1,en
what is a recently divorced woman's favorite fruit? mango !,0,en
"i'll have a foot long italian with turkey and cheddar cheese. whoops , wrong sub",0,en
I'm no gynecologist. But I can take a look,1,en
how are women like a quantum computer? they are both turned on and off by you at the same time .,1,en
"any time someone says "" have you seen that youtube video? "" i always say yes threedots because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone",1,en
"You're never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.",0,en
"hey , do you see that big yellow thing in the sky? yeah , the world revolves around that . not you .",0,en
"I used to get sad when the leaves fell from the trees. But then they always grew back, so that was a releaf",1,en
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the. Minneapolis,0,en
guess what? you didn't guess what .,0,en
Why is the algorithms lecturer so fat? Because he always minimises the running time.,1,en
"Why are kids with DS getting elected prom kings and queens? Either way, they're going down in history.",1,en
i just gave my girlfriend a ring and proposed threedots that we break up. then i put the phone down on her,0,en
"Hey balloon animal guys, there are other dog breeds besides ""dachshund"" and other jobs besides ""balloon animal guy""",1,en
"Murphy's Law says that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Cole's Law is thinly sliced cabbage.",1,en
"i still can't believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone i mean, who talks on the phone",1,en
And the prize for the best aviator goes to... Mohamed! Unfortunately Mohamed couldn't be with us tonight.,0,en
"What did the Ice Cream say to the Birthday Girl? Go 'head girl, it's sherbert day",0,en
i wonder if bruce jenner got wished a happy mother's day. title,0,en
How does a stripper find jobs? She does netwerking!,1,en
i'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. who wants some ?,1,en
So I heard a new Pope was elected today. His wife and kids must be so proud,0,en
How did the private eye use math to find the intent of the crime? He solved for y! Thought this one up myself and thought it was post worthy,0,en
Bruce Wayne was sitting alone at dinner table Because it was a family dinner.,0,en
"very proud i've never once screamed "" woo! "" at anything .",1,en
What shop does amputees like to visit? Second hand shop.,1,en
kinda bored. might shake things up by believing in santa again,0,en
"Farting in your sleep should never be held against you, even if it happened during a work meeting in the conference room.",1,en
where's the best view of falling stars in los angeles? the betty ford clinic,0,en
there is no such thing as an antique car. an antique car is a horse,0,en
I asked a girl back to my place to enjoy the works of Michel Houellebecq. But she said she ain't no Houellebecq girl,1,en
"Breaking news from My dog. there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now",0,en
"I caught up with my old English teacher. ""What's new? "" he asked. I said, ""An adjective.""",1,en
"What do you say to Aziz Ansari when you forget his birthday? Aziz, I'm sorry.",1,en
Fellas; There's no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.,1,en
Did you here about the funny looking desert font? They call it comic sands,1,en
When do you think you have had enough of fast food? When you feel the urgency to remove kebab from the list.,1,en
Those Weren't Raisinets: A Mouse Tale,0,en
Who's the healthiest member of the Army? General Wellbeing,1,en
"chivalry isn't dead . he's just sleeping . right , chivalry? chivalry !",0,en
"Have you heard about the kleptomaniac that robbed that fish market? They say he did it, ""just for the halibut.""",1,en
"i just saw a poster that said , "" have you seen this man? "" with a number to call threedots so i called the number and told them , "" no . """,1,en
Have you heard the latest joke about physicists? It collapsed into a black hole.,1,en
"Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything",1,en
"He'd probably stop sending me ""good morning, beautiful"" texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.",0,en
"Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.",1,en
"I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.",0,en
With her marriage... she got a new name and a dress.,0,en
Unvaccinated kid: turns three years old God: your free trial has expired,0,en
"I climbed a really tall ladder. Afterwards, I was rung out",1,en
"astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars. astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni",1,en
Tide pod memes are long dead. But at least some of the kids that ate them are too.,1,en
This guy gave me a free copy of his book today. An actual printed copy! I had no idea they were still doing this kind of thing. It's fancy.,0,en
"this baby at mcdonalds may have started the screaming competition, but i guarantee i'm going to win it .",1,en
"Babies are born without kneecaps, And my bat is the fountain of youth.",1,en
"Whenever I feel fat, I go into the store and buy a Mini Bic. Each time, I get a little lighter.",1,en
"why do they say "" be there or be square ""? because if you are square , you are not around .",1,en
"Jeff Bezos: ""Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."" Alexa: ""Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer.""",0,en
Psychologist: Please describe yourself in four or less words. Man: I just don't follow rules.,0,en
What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers? Whedon,0,en
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good,0,en
i just got a new job at a prison library. it has its prose and cons,0,en
Why did the bodybuilder go to the vet? Because his pythons were sick,1,en
Accuse someone of denying everything. It's a hard one to fight,1,en
what is bluetooth? when your toothbrush stops working mid brushing,0,en
How does Davy Crockett take his pie? A'lamode,0,en
Which Christian denomination knows the most about dinosaurs? Episcopaleontologists,1,en
What's common between constipation and India? No toilets,1,en
"She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically",1,en
"What's the most obvious slang word in the Star Wars universe? Yo, duh.",1,en
What is Medusas favourite genre of music? Hard Rock.,1,en
I think I have hit rock bottom in my life. Do you know where I can buy some new tacks?,0,en
"What element can combine with two nitrogens and an oxygen, and still have there be only one element? XeNON.",1,en
Got stuck in a fire the other day. I had to give it my asbestos effort to get out alive.,1,en
What do you call an isolated mystical forest creature? Gnome alone.,1,en
"""Doc,"" I said, ""every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's the matter with me? "" ""That's easy,"" he said. ""You're exhausted.""",1,en
Which band does rockclimbers listen to? Rolling Stones,1,en
"the friend zone. it's like being turned down for a job , then they call you a week later complaining about the person they hired",1,en
where did the man go? the man go to get some mango,0,en
Did you hear Wells Fargo has a baseball team? They are really good at stealing homes.,1,en
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!,0,en
Tinder is used for starting a fire But its pointless if you don't have a match,1,en
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and car keys. At least one can be found.,0,en
"When people say ""You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!"" I'm like: Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.",1,en
""" where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap? "" i asked my boss . "" just pop it in the corner , "" he said . it took me three hours .",1,en
"According to rom coms, I haven't met the perfect guy because I've never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.",0,en
There's a cool sport called Volcano Diving. You'll only do it once,1,en
"how the fight started wife : going for a walk , do you want anything ? me : how about a newspaper. wife : ok , which one ? me : today's",1,en
You hear what happened to the beauty pageant contestant that came out covered in beef cuts? she was ms. steak'n... and got grilled,0,en
parents : what foreign language class are you taking this year? me : math .,1,en
"I wanna like most of the jokes here. But for the most part, I reddit before",0,en
in this economy i sometimes have to make tough choices. like between eating or buy that cover for my ipad,0,en
Purse dogs. I've heard they're pretty clutch,1,en
The signature dish of a restaurant called the Twisted Rooster: Mobius Chicken Strips.,1,en
When's the best time to go skydiving? Fall.,0,en
dating tip : surprise your date! show up a day early .,0,en
"for a guy who's obsessed with public safety, i think batman drives a little too fast sometimes .",1,en
If you jumped off the Empire State building how long will you fall? The rest of your life.,0,en
"when life handed chuck norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding .",0,en
there's a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you . you see that everest mountain? ain't no way i'm climbing that for you .,0,en
"I'm gonna make this girl mine. Right click, Save As",0,en
"copyright in india, copyright means the right to copy .",0,en
"What does Wayne Gretzky's wife call him? ""Wayne""",1,en
my coworker broke his second windshield today. i offered him my apple threedots threedots because windows keep crashing on him,0,en
"What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water? One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.",0,en
How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude? Do it with SAS.,1,en
Why is it so hot? I can just feel the sweat roll down kirstie alley's thighs,0,en
What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? It bucked!,0,en
Where do you find an old Onion article? In thier archives.,0,en
"no thanks, doctor's office that used to be a house .",0,en
"how can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter? don't worry , they'll let you know .",0,en
"whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with twilight tattoos .",0,en
What is the difference between a millennial and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.,1,en
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Because it is below C level.,1,en
"Today we honor the victims of the attack on the World Trade Center In other news, Happy Islamic New Year!",0,en
"job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre ""dress for the job u want, right? "" then just stare at them",0,en
"WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt",1,en
What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful',1,en
"how do you say "" i'm sorry i got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour . i might visit the baby one day . "" in korean ?",1,en
If you think about it we all start out Canadian Drinking milk from bags.,1,en
"LPT: Laminate your index cards when studying. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the teardrops actually roll right off",1,en
why was the pie waiting on the corner? because it was meat n potato .,0,en
q : why should you never run in front of a bus? a : you will get tired .,0,en
If you don't like the fire. don't tickle the dragon,0,en
"how does john lennon get his kids to eat their vegetables? he tells them to "" give peas a chance """,1,en
Can you name a grateful astronomer? How about Neil Degracias Tyson,0,en
i always keep two pennies in my pocket. just in case i have to give someone my two cents,1,en
"If a currant goes moldy, Is it still current?",0,en
What bow can't be tied?  A rainbow...,0,en
What is the difference between an event at the X Games and a sorrority? One is a bunch of Cunning Stunts,1,en
Where does the sun keep its money? Daylight savings.,0,en
What do you do with unruly shapes? You put them in prism,1,en
If one quits quitting. Are they still a quitter,0,en
what has now become the least popular donut in egypt de plain! de plain,0,en
"Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can? I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.",0,en
Why couldn't the Mod get into the club? He never got banned.,0,en
"I'm going to open a building that functions as a sperm bank as well as a urine analysis center. It'll be called ""coming or going""",1,en
What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket? A down comforter.,1,en
"When I was younger, I thought I had a Chinese friend. But it was just my imaginasian",1,en
hey guys let me know if you figure out a way for me to rt myself. some of these are pretty great,0,en
"Remember, in a few days this'll be last year.",0,en
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me? Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.,1,en
What came first the car or the wheel? The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.,1,en
What spreads faster than Corona Virus? Yo mama's legs when she sees me,0,en
"i'm playing chess against my gardener. your move , jesus",0,en
"I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but I don't know where I'll put my plate",1,en
Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.,0,en
"My friend could not afford to pay his water bill.. So, I sent him a ""get well soon"" card..",0,en
"technically, all vehicles are time machines .",1,en
"What word is really, really hard to spell? Conkeestidore.",0,en
"hang on guys. my boyfriend told me not to be anxious , so i expect to feel better any moment",1,en
"Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: ""Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!"" Grandpa: ""It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!""",1,en
I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk... But the street is where I draw the line,1,en
Why are magnets so arousing? They're very attractive.,1,en
"Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says ""oh, you want to see crazy? "" Reassure her that you do not.",1,en
"Did you know that all of the trigonometric functions are female? Yup, They all have periods!",0,en
"short jokes as a short person , i don't understand short jokes. they always go right over my head",1,en
Did you here about the nun who took up knitting? She was making quite the habit of it.,1,en
"when oasis broke up , my girlfriend was so upset. i told her to stop crying her heart out",0,en
i told my physics teacher i had a problem with gravity. but he told me to drop it,1,en
when can you count on a hamburger in an emergency? when the chips are down !,0,en
If you enjoyed the film Mean Girls. You'd love Standard Deviation Girls,1,en
I have an archaeology exam tomorrow And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way. My future's in ruins,1,en
i went for a depression test. came back negative,1,en
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive. He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.,1,en
"i couldn't think of any good arnold schwarzenegger jokes right now, but when i do i'll be back .",0,en
If you're here for the yodeling lesson... ...please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.,0,en
What do nudists pack for vacation? Just the bare necessities.,1,en
Did you here about the French Alps pizza service? Apparently they deliver large plane's,1,en
Why were the two prisoners good at grammar? Because they were always thinking about their sentences.,1,en
One day. I was on the front page of reddit,0,en
"I'm in so much debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill... These are the darkest days of my life...",0,en
"husband : i called my boss "" honey "" today. wife : what ? why ? h : he was shouting at me and telling me i was wrong , and it just slipped out",0,en
How do I end an unbeaten streak? Go home to see dad.,0,en
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse,1,en
What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend? ..accommodating.,1,en
"A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he's done with the place.",1,en
What do you need to win a chess game in Prague? Czechmate,0,en
What's a cats least favorite toy story quote? To Alinity and beyond Credit: miniladd,0,en
If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child. Which color light saber would you choose,0,en
when does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug? when it gets a handle on life .,1,en
"is the kkk a good source of potassium? yes , because they're all bananas .",1,en
What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.,1,en
"Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products But their origins are udderly similar.",1,en
Hammer and a Drill are in a workshop playing. Hey I see saw over there,0,en
"I think always mixing up vocabulary words in school hurt my career options. Because I always wanted to be an archipelago just like ""Indiana Jones""!",1,en
"i love indie movies me too, the best one is the first one with the snakes",1,en
After Luke Skywalker found out Princess Leia was his sister. He became best friends with hand solo,1,en
Why did the cow go to the psychologist? She had a fodder complex.,1,en
How do fish go into business? They start on a small scale.,1,en
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air? A seahorse !,0,en
"when my phone rings , i stay very , very still. if i don't move , it can't see me",0,en
"What do you call a person who wears adult diapers? Ehh, it depends.",1,en
"At what point in time were cats being stored in bags so frequently that they had to come up with the phrase: ""the cat's out of the bag""?",1,en
why batman never joke into comedy. one rule : no killing,1,en
"Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words ""gruesome discovery"" coming from your TV on the morning news.",1,en
When life gives you lemons. Sue because you wanted pizza saw this one from a youtuber I really like haha,0,en
"Billfold Biopsy While I was in the hospital, the surgeons found a large lump in my wallet... ... ... But they got all of it.",1,en
"To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. ""good tacos boston""",0,en
which pirate makes the best food? captain cook .,0,en
"What's the best way to organize your cakes, muffins, and hamburger buns? Alphabreadically!",0,en
Scientists discovered a disease that makes you think you're a small city It's called town syndrome,1,en
"How does a penguin make a decision? Flipper coin. Again, I shall take my leave.",0,en
Why is it better to date a woman with heavy thighs during the winter? Your ears stay warmer.,0,en
"If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby's would you go to?",0,en
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That's how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges,1,en
"Man: Dr, recently I have become a bit forgetful. Dr: well. how long have you had this problem? Man: which problem?",0,en
Where do the good guys go? The friend zone...,0,en
"The first rule of Alzheimer's's Club? The first rule of Alzheimer's's Club, Is that you don't talk about Chess Club.",1,en
Dried grapes are getting really expensive. I heard they're raisin the price,1,en
Eric Clapton and Paul Weller were going to take their bands on a reunion tour of the West Country But they couldn't decide who should go on first.,1,en
"Dear Internet, Once and for all, I agree to ALL ""the terms and conditions"" that have or will ever exist. Jeez!",0,en
"What's the difference between Disneyland America and Disneyland Thailand? In Thailand, you pay extra for the happy ending with each ride. ",0,en
Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy,0,en
"One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos",1,en
"christmas is over , all of the guests have gone home. no pants",0,en
"Nobody in this grocery store thinks I'm a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four",0,en
Did you hear about the farmer who equipped all his horses with firearms? He was a man who really wanted more bang for his buck.,1,en
Why did Luke Skywalker never really know his father? Because he was a child of da'force,0,en
the car  I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.,1,en
what is the one army in the world that could defeat the us army in a war? the reddit army !,0,en
I came to Reddit to read some jokes. It's on the comment section,1,en
heard this really good joke at work today. you guys would've really loved it,0,en
"Buying my parents' house. Soon, like so many of the 'ladies' here... I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom's basement.",0,en
Minion joke Minion joke Upvote this so people can put good jokes in the comments,1,en
What happens when a role playing game has no nudity in it? Ubisoft,0,en
For the holidays I've decided to stop making puns. I'm sure yule appreciate it,0,en
"Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.",0,en
"Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning",1,en
why did an emo become an accountant? there's no cuts like tax cuts .,1,en
"i can explain it to you, but i can't understand it for you .",0,en
"sometimes , i just want to be taken seriously. and sometimes , i just want to be taken , seriously",0,en
What do you call a ring made from ash? Jewelry ,1,en
The fastest way to lose your weight is just cut your limbs,1,en
Ronda isn't being a poor sport. she just needs a few months to learn how to talk again,0,en
what move does the karate kid practice the most? he wax off everyday,1,en
ER Dr: What are you doing? Me: I'm decorating. ER Dr: Why? Me: According to my bill I live here now,1,en
How do you reject a French girl? Just say neaux.,1,en
have you ever met a vegan that does crossfit? oh you'd know if you had .,0,en
while shopping for a new phone i found that they offer this thing called ' phone calls ' . has anyone used this? is it an app,1,en
"what did arnold schwarzenegger say to his wife when she asked if christmas was his favourite holiday i still love easter, baby .",1,en
I'm surprised ABC hasn't resolved the Healthcare Crisis with a new reality show. Extreme Makeover: Universal Healthcare Edition,1,en
I told this woman that I still had not forgotten how to make a spacerocket. You can not forget what you never learned,0,en
Mc'Donalds in hurricanes No wonder McDonalds places are still open during hurricane sandy. None off their customers can blow away anyways,1,en
did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features. i hear it was a mean look,1,en
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck.,0,en
I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli,1,en
"i replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb threedots that way if i ever get fat, at least i'll have nice color .",1,en
Did you hear that some aquatic mammals escaped from the zoo? It was otter chaos!,0,en
"A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months. His friend approached him and said, ""Hey, long time no sea.""",1,en
The Kodak Film company filed for bankruptcy. More details to come as the story develops,1,en
why did the student fail his physics test? he didn't understand the gravity of the situation .,1,en
"The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it",1,en
"Man to his gf: ""are three fingers too much?"" Her:""not at all, most people have ten!""",1,en
"looking at you, i understand why some animals eat their young .",1,en
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.,0,en
What is a thing that Alan Rickman and David Bowie both have in common? It is that they have both recently become deceased.,1,en
Age is just a number And jail is just a room,1,en
"rt if you think it's sad when people use social media in an obvious attempt to feel something , anything. rt if you disagree",0,en
why was hellen keller's leg yellow? her dog was blind too,0,en
People say that having a baby makes you exhausted. But I usually get eight solid hours of sleep every month. ,1,en
"the funniest joke in the world isn't recorded. every time someones tries to write it down , they die of laughter",1,en
Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush? She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.,1,en
What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot? It's a tie.,1,en
"Weekends are all about relaxing. And by relaxing, I mean running errands with my wife and being told about how we need to get our life in order",1,en
"Girl, are you expansionary monetary policy? Because my Aggregate Demand is growing.",1,en
"how do you know when to use "" fridge "" or "" refrigerator ""? open it , if there's a ' d ' in it , it's a fridge .",1,en
ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? exactly .,0,en
"I asked my dad if he ever got around to checking out the cookbook I wrote. He said yeah, and it was about thyme",0,en
"really, itunes ? you need to update my calculator app ? have there been changes to basic math that i'm unaware of ?",0,en
What's accounting? Something Italians learn in preschool.,1,en
How did the alien tie his shoes? With an astroknot.,1,en
"I'm not Madagascar, I'm just disappointedgascar",0,en
"you know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology? i'm like that , but with salad .",0,en
"I answer with an automatic ""Yes"" each time my mom says ""Oh, have I told you...? "" I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.",0,en
Did you hear about the mad scientist that tried to take over the world with painting supplies? I guess he was and easel genius.,0,en
What do my favourite chord and my girlfriend have in common? they're both A minor,1,en
Pi day may be irrational.... But at least it is real.,0,en
"once upon a time i tried to make a joke in a music class sadly, it fell flat .",1,en
"my friend told me he is finally going to watch the back to the future series. "" it's about time , "" i told him",1,en
A mans home is his castle... In a manor of speaking,1,en
I started a project to hire people with depression on my dairy farm. if there's one thing they're good at its milking it,1,en
"Some people are just better left alone. In a jacket, in a room with padded walls",0,en
"""Mornin' sweetie, for breakfast we have marzipan filled, double layered raspberry pastries. Yum! "" ""Poptarts, mom. They're called Poptarts.""",0,en
Ever have one of those days where you drink so much coffee that you can't hold the scalpel straight? LOL! It's like a Gallagher show!,0,en
What do creationists and neutron stars have in common? Density,1,en
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?,0,en
q : what kind of socks do you find in your backyard? a : garden hose .,0,en
It is Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend. and I'm just thankful that I'll have ebola turkey soup and not ebola the deadly disease,1,en
"Girl: I think we should just be friends Me: ya okay, but I get to be Chandler!",0,en
What do you call a terrible performance of Han Solo: The Musical? A rebel without applause.,1,en
me : the bathroom wife : what? me : i was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where i was going .,0,en
"These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.",1,en
"I saw a truck that works for Stolkholm Home Improvement. I really hope their slogan is ""You'll eventually love it""",1,en
why couldn't the physicists change the lightbulb? too much work .,0,en
Oh you graduated from DeVry too? ! Which month were you,0,en
I always thought i had a good imagination. but it turns out it was just my imagination,0,en
if earth is flat what's on the other side then? adele,0,en
"You know, if my grandpa fought harder All of these jokes would be in German.",0,en
just threw away a trash can. that was weird,0,en
"When math majors graduate, do they get degrees or radians?",1,en
what do reddit and playboy magazine have in common? no one actually reads the articles .,1,en
What's a baby hen called? Chic hen,0,en
"I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.",1,en
Where do Star Wars rebel officers eat? The Admiral Snackbar.,1,en
how to make friends: put your clothes on backwards so people don't notice you walking up to them .,0,en
Wanna See a perfect Relationship? You Wanna See A Perfect Relationship? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Watch A Movie...: P Coz it is possible in movies only.,0,en
what is the only bent straight line? its one direction of course .,0,en
"A wise man once said. nothing,,, He just let her vent",0,en
"""Why does everyone hate me? "" I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.",0,en
What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky? One of them is a meatier shower.,1,en
"""Eat me,"" said the noun ""Say what? "" said the verb. ""Eat me,"" repeated the noun, word for word. ""Uhh...okay."" Verbatim.",1,en
I like new people like i like my coffee. Black and cheap.,0,en
why does history keep repeating itself? because we weren't listening the first time !,1,en
if a flea and a fly pass each other what time is it? fly past flea .,0,en
"So I was catching up with Pacquiao and Mayweather the other day.. Mayweather turns to me and says ""Boxer? I barely know her!""",0,en
Most chicks on Tinder are into hiking for some reason.. Which is perfect for me because I love meeting women in heavily wooded areas!,1,en
What's the difference between a baby and a maraca A baby stops making noise when you shake it,0,en
"why is the ocean always wet? because wherever she is , she's always getting rode .",0,en
Why do clairvoyants have crystal balls? So they can see what's coming.,1,en
What did the humanistic psychologist say at Freud's funeral? He died at such a Jung age.,1,en
"What do you call a woman pregnant with twins? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.",1,en
"I went to a Native American barber, but I wouldn't recommend him. I got an uneven haircut, and Apache shave",1,en
Middle only pie A middle only pie could make someone a lot of money. But I donno if they could contain the business,0,en
"Me: So tired Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet... M: Please don't B: N how do we know it's not actually disorganized?",0,en
"When I hear my boss coming over to my desk, I mask my body's heat signature with mud and sit still hoping she won't see me.",1,en
"TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops, wrong sub",0,en
What's a tents favorite kind of meat? Stakes,0,en
"I was an army sniper, until I was discharged. It must have been my accuracy. It was very hit and miss.",1,en
"Every time I see an obese family at a buffet, I throw a sack of marbles onto the table and have a live showing of Hungry Hungry Hippos.",1,en
as a farmer i've heard lots of jokes about sheep. i told them to my dog but he'd heard them all,1,en
"on the the first day of christmas , my true love sent to me threedots nothing. i don't have a girlfriend",0,en
"my teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so i asked him what he thought he should do : "" uh , go buy new clothes? "" have kids . it's fun .",1,en
Whats the differnce between a dark color guy and a bench The bench can support a family,1,en
Why did the knight stop using the internet? Because he was sick of chainmail.,0,en
"The cheese industry is led by an illusive, secret cabal They're called the Hallouminati",1,en
how do you post a fish? you send it cod threedots or first bass mail,0,en
what did the man do after listening to a pink floyd album for two hours? skip to the next track,0,en
what does the sun drink out of? sunglasses .,1,en
What was the philosopher's last thought before he descended into quicksand? I sink therefore I am.,0,en
I do my trigonometry outside. cos tan,0,en
I was going to be a sperm donor for a friend But I pulled out at the last second.,0,en
how do you know tiger woods is one of the richest people in the world? he plays golf .,0,en
"in space, no one can hear your spouse chew .",0,en
He asked what my favorite position was. I said CEO,1,en
"sarcasm is truly the most significant force in the world. seriously , where would we be without sarcasm ?",1,en
"went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.",0,en
"My Grandma made the best stew Unfortunately, I finished eating her in one sitting only.",1,en
What is the male cover band of The Cranberries called? Boysenberries,1,en
When do you ground an astronaut? When they're astronauty.,1,en
"""Good morning, class. Today we are going to learn about diseases. Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word cancer'? "" ""I can, Sir!""",0,en
"If life has taught me anything, it's that browser history repeats itself.",0,en
"My waxer just cancelled. So I'm making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style",1,en
you want to hear a paper pun? it's tearable .,0,en
"When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case.",1,en
"If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember. You can always change your birthday on facebook",0,en
Could eating a lot of spaghetti make me a better dad? I suppose it's pastable.,1,en
What do you call a crushed angle? A RECTANGLE !,1,en
Don't see why everyone is so upset about the shooting What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas ,1,en
How do you discuss cheese with a Welshman? Very Caerphilly.,1,en
What's the difference between a watch and a woman? When a watch has a broken face and hands it's seen as a problem. ,1,en
Why did Snoop Dogg get arrested? Embezzlement,1,en
Rumour has it that I got a new computer today. It's Adele,0,en
definition of divorce: the future tense of marriage .,1,en
"how many pandas does it take to screw in a light bulb? technically , just two , but it is really hard to get them to breed in captivity .",1,en
Q.What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third Grade.,0,en
Why do mathematicians dislike cloth rugs? They prefer fur mats.,1,en
"A beggar walked up to me and said, I haven't eaten anything for days. I just looked at him and said, ""God, I wish I had your willpower""",1,en
I found out someone's been impersonating me. Well two can play at that game,0,en
There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion. But not many of them,1,en
what do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? pete .,0,en
Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead but there's something growing in the refrigerator.,0,en
Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.,1,en
My girlfriend is half Russian she lost her legs in a accident,1,en
I'll take a girl with a sharp wit. Wits never sag,1,en
"life is short, which means it can't get on any of the cool rides .",1,en
"him : "" can we have a doritos themed wedding ? "" me : "" no. "" him : "" well , what kind of chips would you prefer ? """,1,en
Who is 'N Sync's favourite film maker? Michael Bay Bay Bay,0,en
What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom? Of chorus.,1,en
how do you know the name of a pokemon? it will tell you .,0,en
I was born with an extra toe halfway down my leg. It's neato,0,en
Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn't know they made Sharpies in that color,1,en
I just read a book about a girl who escapes from her parent's dispiriting home. It's a runaway best seller,0,en
mission impossible six announced. will be their hardest mission yet threedots getting a job in this economy,0,en
If you cross your finger after surgery you'll heal faster Or maybe that's just super stichin',0,en
David Blaine announced he is not interested in being a magician anymore. He said that it has lost its magic.,1,en
We've run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops,1,en
A man walks up to a juice bar. There's no punch line,1,en
"i keep forgetting the "" o "" part of "" hello. "" my boss is not happy with the way i've been answering his phone",1,en
What do you call a berry with a sore throat? A raspberry!,1,en
What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.,1,en
"i wanted to be a gynecologist, but i couldn't find an opening .",1,en
"I saw a hot dog vendor today. She was good looking, but I don't really want a dog",1,en
How much does a Qur'an weigh? Allaht,1,en
"i'm not saying he's a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when i took him through the mcdonald's drive thru .",1,en
what type of pasta is no longer used in canada? penny threedots,1,en
"me : boss our sales are really going updog . boss : you mean up ? me : no, updog . boss : what's updog ? me : not our sales . we're bankrupt .",1,en
I love being a mosquito. People always clap when I'm around,1,en
"A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the ""wrong person, "" which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.",1,en
How do you make a peanut butter and Reddit sandwich? You spreddit.,0,en
Where did Javon get his earrings? Ja Mall,0,en
"Oh nothing, just editing this agreement. And by editing, I mean writing ""ool J"" after every mention of an LLC",1,en
"""Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big."" ""That's a smart car.""",0,en
"why is a rat when it spins? the higher it flies , the much .",1,en
Why did the comet go to the gym? It wanted to be a little meteor,0,en
Daycare workers are now referred to as priests Since they play with kids all day.,1,en
eating clocks is threedots time consuming. sorry,0,en
Why did Rolf Harris leave Animal Hospital? He heard they were getting hares and lost interest!,0,en
what do we want ? hearing aids! when do we want them ? what ?,1,en
How many Polish people does it take to be pallbearers at a funeral? Seven. Six to carry the casket and one to drag the body,1,en
"you'd think that with nsa reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones .",0,en
"Like a good neighbor, StateFarm is...",1,en
what do you call a vegetable optometrist? a sea cucumber .,1,en
"when i ask someone what their name is, why do i never actually listen to their answer ?",1,en
Why can't disabled people reproduce? Vegetables don't have seeds,1,en
Who robs banks and squirts ink? Billy the Squid.,0,en
why is facebook such a hit? it works on the principle that people are more interested in others life than their own ' .,1,en
"When Balls Disappear What happens when skin touches skin, hair touches hair, and Balls Disappear? Answer: You Blink Your Eyes.",1,en
If somebody's presence does not add value to your life. Then their absence should make no difference,1,en
"What's the difference between a raw ear of corn and a crippled Greek? Nothing, they're both hairy vegetables.",1,en
How are crop circles created? You can only pick cotton as far as the chain lets you.,1,en
"When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.",0,en
i know my limits: if i fell down it means enough .,1,en
"you know what they say, so i won't tell you .",0,en
"Saw this quote behind a auto rickshaw I couldn't afford a Volkswagen. Thus, auto",1,en
"Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this: There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator",1,en
"A group of dogs walk into a University. They approach the receptionist who says, ""Hi, can I help you? "" ""Yeah,"" one of the dogs reply, ""We wanna see our Masters.""",1,en
"I always thought that Last of Us needed more animals Nevertheless that giraffe scene with Ellie, fantastic.",0,en
Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have some things in common. There balls drop when they get hit by sacks,1,en
What do they call Redditting on the toilet? Snoo on the loo,1,en
Did you hear what they called the new dog breed from Israel? The Penny Pinscher,1,en
"My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !? "" wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww""",0,en
How does a rice burner start a street race? With a pilaf.,1,en
the other day i found two gold bars. i've always dreamed of an au pair,1,en
"gender fluid i'm gender fluid . some times i'm a man, and some times i'm a woman . it depends on which restroom is available .",1,en
A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder. He chose the latter,1,en
"dear microwave , why are your minutes so much longer than normal ones? sincerely , super hungry me .",0,en
I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy. Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.,1,en
Why didn't the fiddler have to pay for anything? Because it was all on the house,1,en
"our dog is named lucky he often escapes, so we'll be up all night to get lucky",1,en
some people have skeletons in their closet. i have a whole graveyard !,0,en
What keyboard layout does Miley Cyrus use? TWERQY.,1,en
What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates? Doctors without boarders.,1,en
What is a hearse for children called? A McKaren.,1,en
what's grey and can't swim? a castle,0,en
"After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, ""you'll need your receipt. "" I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life",1,en
"going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained a guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack",1,en
My roommate forgot to pay the cable bill this month. They came and cut our Cox off,1,en
why did the pregnant girl struggle so much with grammar? she had no periods !,0,en
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses,1,en
"my kids think all food includes long, dark hairs as standard .",1,en
I'm like a bike. My girlfriend never rides me,1,en
"Not to Brag: Not to brag, but I own the world's largest collection of air guitars.",1,en
what sort of net is useless for catching fish? a football net !,1,en
How did Kobe Bryant go on his math test? He didn't pass.,1,en
my husband told me i had to choose between him and the cats. i miss him sometimes,1,en
On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below. Several times.,1,en
what's the most common owl in britain? the tea towel,1,en
"im the funny guy that shouts ""remix! "" every time a cd skips, buy my stand up comedy digital download online at my web site",0,en
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? Shame and sadness at the slow decline of their once beautiful and vibrant culture.,1,en
why do vegetarians give good head? because they are used to eating nuts !,1,en
What's the difference between endless mode in a a game and your wife? You can't beat endless mode.,0,en
"So my friend asks me if I like the genre Metal. I told him that I don't know what a genre is, but I do like copper and steel",1,en
What do you call a hospital full of immobile people? A vegetable garden,1,en
If you are dating a girl that doesn't like Star Wars. You are looking for love in Alderaan places,1,en
What do you call someone that delivers baby horses? An Equinecologist.,1,en
"Justin Bieber is still truly Canadian at heart. His most popular song is called ""Sorry""",1,en
What do you call a fishing hook without barbs? Debatable!,1,en
What did R. Kelly say to a new girl he met? Urine for a treat,1,en
"got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me twitter was safe. clearly , the app isn't reading your tweets or looking at pics",0,en
Why would the perfect date be in space? In space no one can hear you scream ,0,en
pokemon go servers are like my life right now. up and down and disappointing anyone who knows what it is,0,en
What's the difference between a Woman and a computer My computer didn't leave me... Why would you do that Cheryl... Please come back... ,0,en
"every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else's microwave .",0,en
What do you call a stereotypical flan? A quiche,1,en
why doesn't thor of the insect world use a hammer? he's already got a thor axe .,0,en
Uma Thurman's eyes are so wide apart. she can accurately measure the distance to the moon using parallax,1,en
i wish i was getting a divorce. because it would mean someone once loved me enough to marry me,0,en
"To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened. The Dentist told her she needs a crown",1,en
What do you call a flying potato? A wish in progress.,1,en
"if you don't sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you're missing out on one of the best things in life .",1,en
"i always imagined myself growing old with an archeologist, at least that way i'd know his interest in me would increase over time .",1,en
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polyunsaturated,1,en
Sunburn: Getting what you basked for.,1,en
"Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god? Me: oh, um, science.",0,en
"gypsy marathon: runs to a lake , swims , bikes back",1,en
Did you hear about the discounts at Darth Maul? I heard they're going to cut the sales by half,1,en
"The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.",0,en
"now that christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in china who made your kid's toys .",0,en
"A chicken, a hawk and a duck walk into a lawn. SuperDuck",0,en
Did you hear about the guy who didn't accomplish anything in his life? Neither did I.,1,en
What is faster than silver surfer? Quicksilver Surfer! :D,0,en
"Candles... Why do candles love cake so much? Simple, they just want to get lit!",0,en
Why did the tear testify in court? Because he was an eye wetness.,1,en
"wanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me .",1,en
"HI? ""The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease"" ME? ""yes"" OH ""sorry it's permanent"" OK",1,en
"""I don't know, do you guys really think the first rule should be 'Must Wash Hands? '"" early brainstorming session on Fight Club script.",1,en
What is the only thing that both your school and the school in africa are prohibited to do Food fight,1,en
How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro? because the owner will tell you,0,en
"unlike a caterpillar, a whale won't turn into a beautiful butterfly .",1,en
What happens after it rains in gotham city? a waynebow.,0,en
what did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home? she moved .,1,en
"What do you call someone who has blonde hair, blue eyes and worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster? A Pastafaryan.",1,en
why did the sushi cross the road? sushi could get to the other side .,1,en
"what are the two types of people who love the words "" who , what , when , where and why? "" english teachers and alzheimer's patients",1,en
how do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk? when it's past your eyes .,1,en
Black Friday at the geology museum was great! There were so many great shales,0,en
"If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood. she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby",0,en
What do you cal a Deaf and Mute person? It doesn't matter. He's not going to come.,1,en
it's hard to sleep with all the girls knocking on my door at night. i eventually had to let them out,1,en
what's a dentists favorite time? tooth hurty,0,en
"At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said ""I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.""",1,en
Can we please stop to make jokes about Avicii's decease? It's so hard to make them while moving.,0,en
Why did Kermit break up with Miss Piggy? He wasn't ready for a Kermitment.,0,en
Gardeners Interesting fact: Gardeners get to stay in their beds all day.,1,en
What do you say when a Polish magician performs a magic trick? Nailed it,1,en
Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm. I'm the CIEIO,1,en
What is it called when a woman can't imagine having kids? Inconceivable.,1,en
""" i just want a nice guy who treats me right. "" said every girl who dumped that dude like ten times",0,en
What do you call a broken Bo Peep figurine in a trailer park? Little Po' Peep.,1,en
"waiter , waiter , what's wrong with this fish? waiter : long time , no sea sir .",1,en
"my kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, i wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they're covering up",1,en
my roommate recently had me added to her insurance. not what i was thinking of when we spoke about friends with benefits,1,en
I have made the best decision of my life I have become a furry,1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Crispin ! Crispin who? Crispin crunchy is how I like my apples !,0,en
my stomach just made a really weird noise. i'm sending a pizza down to check it out,1,en
what do you call a plant that doesn't move? a tree .,1,en
What do men and Subway have in common? They both exaggerate the length.,1,en
"If I do get murdered in this motel, will someone please deduct a star from my review over on Yelp? Thanks.",0,en
I like showing off my dress at prom Those Bangladeshi kids did a great job grinding at the sweatshop,1,en
why did the monster put the cake in the freezer? because he had been told to ice it .,0,en
"Misery loves company, and apparently that's why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.",1,en
My friend's getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it's as easy as shooting fish in apparel,1,en
"A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer",1,en
How do you make a vegetable toast? Power the wheels.,0,en
"I applied for a job with the Brittle Bone Society. I don't have any experience, but I'm prepared to give it a crack",1,en
"The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.",1,en
what was the best thing before sliced bread? massive sandwiches,1,en
"I asked the Riddler if I could be the host of his next party. He said, ""Be my guest.""",1,en
my patient was refused his organ transplant. but i didn't have the heart to tell him,1,en
"I went for sushi with Luke Skywalker and he was struggling with chopsticks... ""Use the fork, Luke! "" I said.",0,en
what sounds like a frog but keeps me up all night? reddit,0,en
What Daft Punk song is a hit amongst the hispanic community? Juan more time!,0,en
What do you get when you cross a lawnmower and a canary? Shredded tweet.,0,en
DeSpAcItO ugh the mods are so straight,1,en
Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway,0,en
"what did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? do you swear to pull the tooth , the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth",1,en
"It's important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you're all set to go",1,en
"What's another word for ""thesaurus""? Steven Wright joke, iirc.",1,en
If you and your friend are being chased by a bear. How fast should you run? Faster than your friend...,0,en
"i just got a text from a woman i know that said only "" we z "" . did she just ask me to sleep with her in three letters? nicely done !",0,en
what do you call a turkey with no arms? a turkey,1,en
"my cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. luckily , he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store",1,en
What happens when a controlled fire goes out of control? Someone gets fired.,1,en
What's the coldest type of reptile? A blizzard.,0,en
why did the man with no hands go to the doctor? because he didn't feel well .,1,en
What did the band Weezer say about the nudist beach? All the mammaries made me want to go back there!,0,en
What type of meat are your calves made of? Bologna.,1,en
What do they call a Polish astronomer? Copernicus.,1,en
Pssst. Hey. You want to hear a joke? This sub and the mods.,0,en
"if formula for area of a circle is true , whats the shape of pi. square",1,en
nick : can you tell me the way to bath? rick : i use soap and water personally .,0,en
"The Chinese coined the phrase ''It's not you, it's me'' while looking at family pictures.",1,en
Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela,1,en
How do you make a little girl stop crying Pull out.,0,en
While Ajax sales have been going down. It's still stronger than Greece,1,en
What do you call a singer gently swaying from one side to another? A rocking Cher.,1,en
Where's the school for the blind? ... It's hard to see.,0,en
"you can put the word "" blood "" in front of "" oranges "" and people will still eat them. don't even try it , bananas",0,en
"today , i started on my second million dollars! i gave up on my first .",0,en
What do you call bills that come in the mail? Fee mail ,1,en
Not everyone is able to fly. but every toucan,1,en
There are two types of hoes The object and then the garden tool ,1,en
Why don't you want a turkey at your thanksgiving dinner? Because it'll gobble up everything.,0,en
"In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man",0,en
"After several attempts, I finally got my username for reddit. Because this one ""doesn't already exist""! ",1,en
Fred Durst is starting a lawn care company. It's called Rake Stuff,1,en
OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.,1,en
"My fortune cookie says ""You will attain the highest levels of intelligence. "" Does anyone know where I can find fedoras for cheap?",1,en
my husband and i divorced over religious differences. he thought he was god and i didn't,1,en
i'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday . why don't you? because i can't think of a single thing to say !,0,en
how do you know it's time to clean up your room? when the wifi signal doesn't come through .,0,en
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe,1,en
"my son just said "" i'm sorry i can't be cute right now, i'm hungry "" and i've never understood him better .",1,en
What's the difference between a decrepit rickety bus and the Egyptian god of death? One is an old bus and the other is Anubis.,1,en
what's the difference between classical music and barry white? a lot when you are having a prostate exam .,1,en
"Why is San Francisco called the granola city? Because when you take out all the fruits and nuts, all you have left are the flakes. ",1,en
how do you call a jamaican mountain? high ground,1,en
How do you convey body language? With your figure of speech,1,en
"How did Henry V reload his rifle? Once more into the breech, dear friends",0,en
"""Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica? "" I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world",1,en
"I can't think lf a joke..... Hey Autobot, can you help me with a joke?",0,en
"Protip: When making snow angels, remember to lay down first. otherwise you end up looking like you're just doing jumping jacks",1,en
I spent the whole of my day with my hand in my trouser pocket. Maybe that's why I kept feeling cocky,1,en
"What did the memory say to the processor? If you apply a voltage to me, I'm going to flip a bit!",0,en
What element can you find in almost any shoe store? Heelium! I'll see myself out now...,0,en
"sorry i didn't reply to your text, i just couldn't find a response that would keep you from sending another",0,en
i only eat in two situations: when i'm hungry and when i'm not hungry,1,en
The name of this sub should be Modjokes,1,en
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER. USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN,0,en
what's the worst thing about being a gynecologist? you can't eat on the job .,1,en
gas companies love this one trick to get more miles per tank! buy a bigger tank,0,en
sometimes i think we're all going to be okay. other times i read yahoo answers,0,en
When bae starts to age. She turns beige,1,en
What do you call a litter of Corgi puppies? A Corgisbord.,1,en
"Are knee pads... ... the perfect gift, for givers?",1,en
what is the most noble office supply? the ruler !,0,en
I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly,0,en
such a hipster. they were into Adele before she got big,0,en
"Overheard in the nucleus... Q: Are you sure you're a proton? A: Yes, I'm positive.",0,en
"Six meaty inches of protein packed bliss! No joke, the actual description of the black forest ham sandwich from Subway for their October special.",0,en
"If you have no lube, Tears work really well",0,en
"As the saying goes: those who cannot do, teach... So I recently started running a class on picking up women.",1,en
The following joke is original original,1,en
what did big nacho say to little nacho? i'm nacho daddy .,0,en
What did Big Bird say at Carrol Spinney's funeral?  Nothing.,0,en
"what did one deodorant say to the other? i can't understand you , your axe scent is too strong .",0,en
An only child one day wakes up next to his brothers and sisters. How? His father came on his face,0,en
What holds the moon up? Moonbeams.,1,en
what kind of fun does a priest have? none .,1,en
don't you wish people could be like money? so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real,0,en
"they can identify a dead body by its dental records . how cool is that? "" we don't know who he is , but we know his dentist ! """,1,en
Ricky Martin should have waited until Saturday so he could come out the same day as the iPad. Maybe that's what Tom Cruise is waiting for?,0,en
A guy walks into a grocery store. And buys groceries,1,en
"What do you call a man who ""identifies"" as a woman? A man",1,en
Growing up Catholic I never really got polygamy My pastor only ever put a limb in me,1,en
"The difference between sex and pumpkin carving? In pumpkin carving, one is trying to get all of the seeds out.",1,en
What do you call a group of cereal boxes that never keep their word? Corn flakes,1,en
I once dated a girl that collected magazines. We had to break up because she had too many issues,1,en
Someone should make a joke about music. I've never seen it done on a major scale,1,en
What kind of bees hum and drop things? A fumble bee !,0,en
So engineering school is really hard. I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics,1,en
Did you hear about they guy who quit his job at the Orange Juice factory? They sent him to camp so he could learn to concentrate.,0,en
"me : on the one hand , i have this weird rash . and on the other hand date :? me : it's on both hands , i should probably see a doctor",0,en
"With as much as Adobe nags me to update, I feel like I should have its surname and be making it sandwiches all the time.",1,en
"Last week my mate come off his motorbike, he's lost both his arms, one leg... No wonder he came off!",0,en
What do you call a Dadaist fabric? Man Rayon,1,en
don't get me started. i don't come with brakes,0,en
Why was the baby ant confused?  Because all his uncles were ants.,1,en
cigarette : hey buddy . me : i don't smoke anymore . cigarette : but buddy . me : no . cigarette : buddy? me : you do make a good point . fine .,0,en
Who has the biggest duck in Compton? A tripod,0,en
Ever since the news came out about Samsung. Their phones have been blowing up,1,en
Why was Selena Gomez suspended in elementary school? Because she couldn't keep her hands to herself.,0,en
"Watching TV last night, one of the commercial breaks had three separate ads featuring bears. It was an ursine from god.",1,en
what do you get when you stick your hand in a blender? a handshake,1,en
Life can be compared to a 'Choose your own adventure' book. Sometimes there's a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear,1,en
What do lizards like doing in bed? Getting skinky. ,1,en
"my friend told me she has herpes. i told her it's not the end of the world , just a few bumps in the road",1,en
"I've watched three episodes of ""I Shouldn't Be Alive"" tonight, adding ""outdoor enthusiast and survival expert"" to my online dating profile.",1,en
"i stepped on two raccoons today, but i'm just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life .",0,en
I was just diagnosed with a severe lack of empathy. But I'm gonna keep going strong! The last thing I will do is start feeling sorry for myself.,0,en
"A gamer Dies,why other gamers appeared in the funeral? Theyre waiting for him to drop his loot",0,en
What did the priest say to the children to motivate them? I see a little bit of me inside you. ,0,en
"when i was young , i stopped believing in santa despite massive peer pressure. you could say i was a rebel without a clause",0,en
"Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office. Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor",1,en
Did you hear that Tote's have brought out a line of spherical candies of suprisingly high quality? They're totes amazeballs.,1,en
teacher : why is the mississippi such an unusual river? pupil : because it has four eyes and can't see !,0,en
I just found out why the literacy rate in Greece is among the lowest. it's because everything they learn in school is Greek to them,1,en
What do you call an elf singer? Elvish Presley,1,en
What do you call a pen without style? Stylus.,1,en
"is that your cat? no , she's adopted . me and my boyfriend , we can't have cats .",0,en
My uncle once got a free ride in a chopper Saddly he never told me amything about IT....,0,en
"Thanks to Twitter, I can't go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?",0,en
What is a moo hoo for steak that came late? Filet delay!,0,en
What kind of triangle jokes can never be made right? Ones with an obtuse angle.,1,en
"Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck. Condom: hahahaha",0,en
"why did the plant cross the road? it can't , its a plant . duh",0,en
Why did the special needs man cry? He was feeling a little down,0,en
"If you ask me about my love life, I can honestly say. I'm holding my own",1,en
What kind of photos do turtles take? Shellfies,1,en
brains aren't everything. in your case they're nothing,1,en
People say that Jimmy Hoffa had no taste. SMH. I think he tasted just fine.,0,en
"what is the best way to watch the "" saw "" films? in bits and pieces .",1,en
"so, i was looking around for some vacuum threedots",0,en
"Did you hear about the tropical birds who got stuck together? Well I won't explain now, it's toucan fusing.",1,en
"whenever i feel like i'm starting to lose my mind, i just run a few ideas by my cat and then i feel better .",0,en
"Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.",1,en
"golden words by a wise man : "" if you want to change the world , do it when you are a bachelor. after marriage , you can't even change a tv channel threedots """,1,en
What's the difference between the fetus and the fleshlight? The fetus feels so much better than the fleshlight.,0,en
I passed a man giving away watches on the street today. He must have a lot of free time on his hands.,0,en
My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today. but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances,1,en
Long jokes. are never well received by members of the Wang clan,1,en
"naked and afraid, but it's just me staring down a spider in the shower .",0,en
If the Hulk worked in the produce section of Kroger. would he be a Green Grocer,1,en
"the great thing about joan rivers is no matter who digs her up in a thousand years time, she'll always look surprised to see them .",1,en
"king kong would have done better at work if he perfected his elevator pitch. yea, that one's a zero",0,en
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty? Beacause a little water ends both of them !,0,en
Did you see the brochure for the California typographer's convention? It's in San Serif.,1,en
How many pushups can Chuck Norris do? All of them!,0,en
"I think scientists are generally decent people, but they're impossible to be around. Feels like every single one has got something to prove.",1,en
"if god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining .",1,en
"Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.",0,en
I've been trying to explain asymptotes to my friends. They're getting closer every time,1,en
why did the frat boy throw away his curtains? he was trying to get some natural light .,1,en
"What's the difference between school libraries and public libraries? School libraries don't have books, only magazines.",1,en
"you never get a second chance to make a first impression. unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home , then you get lots",1,en
What animal is endangered by tooth decay? Molar bears!,1,en
"i have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace .",0,en
"which is the most negative animal in the barnyard? the horse, because its a naysayer.",1,en
what sits down but doesn't get back up? a redditor .,0,en
What did the husband say to his wife after a miscarriage Why the sad face it was just a defective piece,1,en
"if there's one thing i like better than paying bills, it's anything else .",1,en
Have you heard the gullible joke? Me neither...,0,en
I think my grandpa was an electrician... Because I found this helmet with two lightning bolts on the side of it in his attic.,0,en
Whats the difference between an environmentalist and a dog sitting in the rain? eventually the dog sitting in the rain will stop whinging.,0,en
why did the robot get the electric chair? because he was charged with battery .,1,en
"What's do a prison and a Muslim's home have in common? Of the many inhabitants, it's likely that most of them are scared to use the shower.",1,en
What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use? Cirque d'Olay,1,en
"It would have been way more anticlimactic if the video game had been called ""Where in the World is Carmen? San Diego.""",1,en
I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella,1,en
"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.",0,en
I'm still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant's bathroom. I hope everything is ok,0,en
barista : how do you take your coffee? me : seriously . very seriously .,0,en
"""Oh is it by the Starbucks? "" Um... everything's by a Starbucks",0,en
"Q: What happens if you cross a goldfish's brain with a dog? A: I don't know, but it's great at chasing submarines",0,en
"My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I'm the racecar, sometimes I'm the iron. But usually I'm a peanut because I've lost all the game pieces",1,en
I've invented a simple device to remove the foreskin. I'll call it a circumscissor.,1,en
Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup? Because his family had stock in the company.,1,en
"my doctor said i should eat better. i told him , with what he charges , i'm lucky i eat at all",1,en
I think grammarly is not working Otherwise it would have changed itself to 'Grammatically',1,en
"I'm not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.",1,en
Why is an elephant braver than a hen? Because the elephant isn't chicken !,0,en
If a blind couple breaks up. would they start hearing other people,1,en
What sort of cereal does Thor eat? Loki Charms.,1,en
I love a girl with a trimmed bush. Only because its makes it easier to see her through the window at night,0,en
Quick question: can I breastfeed if I've had implants?,1,en
Why couldn't Jesus waterski? Because he never existed.,0,en
"I have Tindr hair. It's messy, dry, and I swipe it to the right hoping for good looking results",1,en
why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? he took too long to put his boots on !,0,en
What did the vet say to the dog he just castrated? No hard feelings.,1,en
Who is the most open minded musician? Kurt Cobain,1,en
"Artists can often be compared to a parabola After they compose, they decompose.",1,en
A shovel was a.. Ground breaking invention.,1,en
why did the girl walk past her crush twice? he didn't believe in love at first sight .,1,en
How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.,1,en
I do not have an obsession with tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up,1,en
People have been on the hunt for sasquatch for some time now. Finding one has proven to be no small feat,1,en
The percentage of extremely poor households has signoficantly dropped these days I knew there was something good about the fires in Africa,1,en
Neon bumped into helium. There was no reaction,1,en
"this girl on facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. omg she's nervous , you guys",0,en
Why did Shrodinger's girlfriend dump him? Because she didn't like his lack of commitment,1,en
"I'm reading a book about a duck who questions it's faith in God . . . It's called ""Are you there God, it's me magret de canard""",1,en
How did Reese die while eating cereal? Witherspoon,0,en
"If we keep making posts for the sole purpose to get locked, all the banned users will not be able to lock. Until they make a new throwaway.",0,en
What did the Puerto Rican dish say when he lost his Android? Where'd mofongo,0,en
why is the bride always sad on her wedding day? because she doesn't get to marry the best man .,1,en
"i once watched two guys arguing in sign language. either that , or they were both really bad at martial arts",1,en
What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? They both don't work and always take your money,1,en
"I planted some flowers, but they never grew. Should have seen it coming. The package did warn that they were pansies.",1,en
why don't jedi make good comedians? because their jokes always sound forced .,1,en
things to do before i start the thing i am supposed to be doing: all of the things .,1,en
why do fishermen fish in north america? ' cause they're all about that bass,1,en
An old lady at the gym told me her dad married her mom because she could catch chickens. Pretty sure she had a pretty firm grip on something else too,1,en
What do you call roadkill? Tonight's dinner.,1,en
what do you call an edible ion? an onion,1,en
Which is the most common font i Mexico? El Vetica.,1,en
"some people look for a perfect relationship, but all i want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials !",0,en
How does a flower get pollinated? Beez Nuts!,0,en
my wife and i were happy for twenty years. then we met,0,en
How do you get a frog out of a paper bag? Ripit,0,en
Did you know Bruce Lee had a son other than Brandon? He was a famous vegetarian. His name was Brock.,0,en
why is jesus ' body bread? because given enough time it rises,1,en
What did the pulse say to the legume as he left? Lentil next time.,0,en
"Tomorrow I'm going to start using big words to sound smart. Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence",1,en
Why was the tallest man in the world troubled? Because he had no one to look up to.,1,en
why are there so many dogs at the pound? because no one wants them .,1,en
"how do you know if someone owns an apple watch? don't worry , they will tell you .",0,en
"if your conspiracy theory doesn't involve cats, don't bother me .",0,en
"If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas",0,en
"Tinder, but for hot cinnamon buns in my area.",1,en
"love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes .",0,en
Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing? To get some fresh air,1,en
"which is more stable , a hamburger or a steak? hamburger , it's in the ground state .",1,en
"I'm tired and want to sleep, but I can't stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down",0,en
"BARNES: ""What if it wasn't just empty cabinets? "" NOBLE: ""Let's sell books!"" AND: ""This is why we make such a great team.""",0,en
"if i could rearrange the alphabet i'd put ""u"" at the beginning and ""i"" at the end. i want a divorce karen",1,en
"just once when someone says , "" is anyone there? "" in a scary movie , i want the villain to be like . "" what up . i'm over here . you got me . """,1,en
What do you call a supermarket run by Jesus? A Walmartyr.,1,en
"many burn victims are not very attractive, but all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past .",1,en
"""Dad what is the name of that flower?"" ""Well son, that's a rhododendron"" ""How do you spell that?"" ""On second thought, I think that's a rose""",0,en
why did eve bite the forbidden apple? because it tasted better than adam's banana .,0,en
"I was asked to find the word ""Impost"" in the dictionary. it was next to impossible",1,en
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations... Friend: You say 'good morning' back,0,en
my son swallowed several coins the other day. i've definitely seen some change in him,1,en
What did Pikachu say to Ash Catchem? Pikachu,1,en
Have you heard about that new Tron movie? The protagonists name is Adam.,0,en
how do i know you're not john cena? i can see you,0,en
What did the dominatrix say to Dwayne Johnson before they got started? I'm about to be peoples elbow deep in the rocks bottom.,0,en
"When she moans ""deeper"", but. you've run out of government secrets",0,en
"what do you call water that hasn't been changed? still , water .",1,en
Why do software developers make the best relationship partners? because they're not afraid of committing.,1,en
"me and grandma are eating bread pudding and watching murder mysteries, she says what's up",1,en
"For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn't that impressive.",1,en
What do you call a group of singing people floating around in the ocean? An acappellago,1,en
There's no use crying over spilt milk... ...unless the milk was spilt on your father's fresh corpse right before his funeral.,0,en
"""Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field."" Ted: ""Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored.""",0,en
"What did the swollen prostate say during the prostatectomy? I'm out, urine.",1,en
Why do they call it a hot water heater when .... you don't have to heat hot water?,1,en
"Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in ""I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.""",1,en
What is Paula Deen's favorite insect? The Butterfly,0,en
Someday astronauts will land on the sun. Im hoping they're smart enough to do this at nighttime when it's not as hot,0,en
twitter. finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights,0,en
"if you carry a baseball bat in your car , you should carry a glove too. your lawyer will thank you",0,en
you know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship? it's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution .,0,en
Punctuality is important. It's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he's already done it,1,en
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads . great work everyone time for lunch,0,en
what do you get is you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips? snacks that go crunch in the night .,1,en
A man streaked passed two old women in the park. the first one had a stroke; the other missed,0,en
My doctor was telling me that my blood tests had a typo So I guess it's pretty cool to be a universal donor.,1,en
My mother is in the hospital. She's a nurse,0,en
"If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.",1,en
"How was my engagement the same as my divorce? In the end, I settled.",1,en
"Wife holding bank statement: What's this payment? Me: we're sponsoring a panda! W: so is this monthly? M: No, it's just for the one skydive",0,en
anyone wanna buy some housing in baltimore with me? i hear there's a fire sale,0,en
how do you wake up lady gaga? poker face threedots,0,en
wife : why is there a bouncy castle in the garden? me out of breath with no shoes on : i'm not sure .,0,en
"Author: So, I've got this children's book. It's about a hungry caterpillar. Agent: Pass Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar. Agent: Go on...",0,en
Did you hear about the cartoon they made about Steven Hawkings? It was called Veggietales.,1,en
what do you call a pickle sandwich that's a scientist? dill rye,1,en
why do you go to bed? because the bed will not come to you .,0,en
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines? Because paper covers rock!,1,en
What Did MLK Say When Asked If He Suffered From Jock Itch? I have a cream.,1,en
you know what i love about world history? threedots it's a long story,0,en
I once dated a girl with a conch shell tattooed on her inner thigh. If you put your ear up to it you could smell the ocean,1,en
What are the similarities between the wifi at my house and Vietnam War Soldiers Both are disabled.,0,en
Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food? It was on a strict diet of worms. edit: changed pronoun to avoid ambiguity,1,en
What did the Nihilist whisper into his lover's ear? Sweet Nothings.,0,en
How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs,1,en
Where do the disabled people live? Downtown ,1,en
I once visited my German friend's house for a party. I asked them if they had any juice left.  Wonder why they went to check in the oven...,1,en
What size lumber is used to build homes in Dubai? Dubai fours,1,en
what kind of food can't blind people eat? seafood .,1,en
Consoles I bought a black console so it runs faster. I also bought a white console so it lives longer.,0,en
What do call the gas you get from eating cheese? Derriere,1,en
"I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.",1,en
what do snakes use to build clocks? metal gears,1,en
the difference between fiction and reality? fiction has to make sense .,1,en
"Hi Gilded, I am Kind Stranger EDIT: wow i am gilded, thank you kind stranger",0,en
what happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house? threedots it was repossessed !,0,en
if weird al is so popular now they should call him normal al. thats what i say on it,0,en
"What did one succulent say to the other? ""Aloe there""",0,en
Christmas song for people with synesthesia: do you see what I heeeaarrr,1,en
"PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away ""surrounded by family,"" do you picture murder, or suicide?",1,en
"I read a couple of interesting articles. ""A"" and ""The""",1,en
"honey , were out of snake food. "" what ? for what snake ? "" honey , i bought a snake",1,en
"Now that the weather is warm, it's so nice to be able to be outdoors while I stare at my phone.",0,en
"I once met an Indian bloke in Birmingham and his name was Naan. He wasn't born here, but he was bread",0,en
"To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym ""DBOF"": Don't Be On Fire",0,en
"have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway .",0,en
What characteristics do chemists look for in people when dating? Asses and faces,1,en
I like my bears like I like my molecules Polar and non attractive ,1,en
Most commonly asked question at a jewish bakery. How much does the challah cost?,1,en
"my friend got into the final of the suit olympics. he's worried he's gonna tie , but i told him not to worry if he wins or not",1,en
"when someone says something to me , not only am i able to respond to them , i feel like i have to. it is my response ability",1,en
is this sub reddit dead? there have barely been any decent posts all year !,0,en
Who wants to start CatRoulette. com with me?!?!,0,en
Why is outer space so cold? All the space heaters are on earth!,0,en
"Electrician by trade, looking for work. I have to admit I'm not really good at this job.. ..and people are shocked by it.",1,en
Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter? Because they dress in lairs.,1,en
What the best way to cut down a tree? A Suhhh Dude,0,en
Did you hear about the new viking movie staring the guy who played Han Solo? It's called Harrison's Fjord,1,en
The name's Bond. James Earl Jones,0,en
what do you get when you cross a star wars ship with math? a pi fighter,1,en
What's a cats favorite thing to read? A CATalog,0,en
What do you call someone mugging you on the street? Lunch.,1,en
Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop? She forgot to delete her Bowser history,0,en
What happened when five fat French men got in the lifeboat? Cinq.,0,en
Whats does a fisherman and a teen have in common They both fiddle with a rod,1,en
how do you grill sheep? with samsung batteries .,1,en
"it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes",0,en
how do you tell the time in the us? by looking at a bomb,1,en
"The boy wasn't happy about skinning potatoes on Thanksgiving Day, so I guess you could say he would...  Peel grim",0,en
"My ex is like the Mona Lisa It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room",1,en
what's the cheapest form of birth control? casey anthony,0,en
You think it's difficult to plug one nostril and blow out the other? It's snot rocket science.,1,en
Why do people buy expensive rims? they're investing in wheel estate.,1,en
How do dishwashers work? Well first she makes you a sandwich and cleans the house then goes to the kitchen where she belongs,1,en
What's a wolf's favorite breakfast food? A wolffle.,1,en
i heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship. i just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend,1,en
why did the rooster buy mittens? so his chicken fingers wouldn't get cold . i'll leave now,0,en
"enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things .",0,en
you wanna read a joke? my internet points,0,en
What do you call a learned spider? A webdesigner,1,en
What do moths study at school? Mothmatics,1,en
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It's basically everywhere now,1,en
"What did RBG say to George Floyd in the after life? ""Is it always this hot around here?""",1,en
I like my children like I like my fruit Defenseless when I take it from the tree,1,en
i went to the local buy and sell to see if there were any cool old jack in the boxes. but nothing jumped out at me,0,en
"neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar !",0,en
"my wife and i asked my son who he loves most . he pointed all around . i said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi .",0,en
Bee population worldwide is exploding. What a time to be a hive,1,en
What do you call a coi fish that can't swim? A decoi,1,en
My dvd got a scratch. so i used sandpaper to smooth it out,1,en
R.I.P. Dustin Diamond His career came to a screeching halt,0,en
I had my first date last night! Such an underrated fruit.,0,en
What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee !,0,en
"My ice despenser is leaking all over the floor, but I don't think I'll fix it... Because it's all water under the fridge.",0,en
What is a fretless bass good for? About thirty yards if you use both hands.,1,en
the world would be a better place if we all stuck together. but it would be harder to go to the bathroom,0,en
just killed a butterfly. let's see how this changes all future events,0,en
My wife got home from work and found me in bed with our daughter... She was most suprised i got her back home from the abortion clinic.,0,en
"interviewer : what are your future plans? me : lunch interviewer : i meant long term plans me : what , like dinner",1,en
"When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.",1,en
"when someone says "" it's getting hot in here "" i automatically think, "" so take off all your clothes "" .",1,en
quick tax question: does giving thousands of dollars to charity last year make up for lying about it this year ?,1,en
What do you call part of a poem written by a Seinfeld character? A George Costanza.,1,en
"Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.",0,en
"sweet potato fries threedots could be made from sweet potatoes, or they could just be really awesome potato fries .",1,en
ramadan month is exhausting. you have to wait all day to instagram your food,1,en
what happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic? his bark was much worse than it's bite !,0,en
I'm doing a science experiment on comedy where I tell people a joke and see their reaction. Welcome to the control group.,1,en
"what is the same with you , a pet cat , and a pet dog? all of them are adopted",1,en
Kobe Bryant went out how he always wanted In a blaze of glory,1,en
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired,1,en
What's a spanish bow called? An elbow,1,en
"you're in a work meeting and your boss asks , "" any questions? "" the answer is always , no .",1,en
"Went to a skipping competition I didn't really want to, but I got roped in",1,en
There's only one thing about Home Alone I didn't like. Kevin was too old!,0,en
What happens on Santa's lap. stays on Santa's lap,0,en
how do birds see what's behind them? by looking in their wing mirrors .,1,en
Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.,1,en
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse's mistakes WILL shorten it,1,en
. which is why I start my sentences in the middle,1,en
how do you get a baby to run faster? chase it with a lawnmower,0,en
"How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use? Four chisel, my nizzle...",0,en
What do you call a sleeping pizza? A pizzza,1,en
you know what they say about living on navy ships? it has its ups and downs .,1,en
"So Tom Petty died. You could say, the heartbreaker's heart broke.",0,en
What's the difference between my children and wife? My wife isn't alive and chained to the radiator.,0,en
Vegeta truly had his karma come back to him. He got married and had kids,0,en
The number of woman in this world is increasing compared to the number of man. Which means there will be more blood flowing.,1,en
Why was the Facebook post redundant? Because I already reddit,0,en
"if you look up my hair color history at the salon, you'll think i'm a unicorn .",0,en
What did the magician say when he a did a magic trick on the spaghetti? Pesto chango,0,en
worrying does you no good. or does it ? what if it does ? can anyone confirm this ? maybe email me in case i have bad reception ? !,0,en
"Tommy Wiseau made a quick announcement today He said "" oh hi March""!",0,en
My dinner date in Vienna city center got canceled yesterday in the afternoon. Well it seems I dodged a bullet.,1,en
What do you call an Autobot who works in an overpriced makeup store at the mall? Ulta Magnus!,0,en
What does a pregnancy and messy clothes have in common? Both are fixed with a coathanger,1,en
why did the engineer buy a mattress? to sleep under it,1,en
Jokes about PMT are like GMT. There's no physical line but there's signs that let you know when you've crossed it,1,en
how did the bear kill the man? with his bear hands .,0,en
Why doesnt McDonalds serve snail? Because of sanitation reasons.,1,en
"You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.",1,en
define marriage: it's a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before .,1,en
why do asian parents give their children short names? more time on tests .,1,en
A nutritionist wants us to examine a sandwich. So lettuce,0,en
to do list i made a huge to do list for this weekend. i just can't figure out who's going to do it,0,en
what did batman say to the joker when he finally caught him? gotham,0,en
"mtv canceled teen mom, so it's like they had those babies for nothing .",1,en
What do you call a magic owl? HOOdini,1,en
how do you make beef stew? tell a cow they're being watched .,1,en
why are spiders like tops? they are always spinning !,0,en
"Did you hear about the new Indian version of Oliver Twist? ""Please, can I have samosa?""",1,en
"What did a disappointed Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he fished up a Salmon? ""IT'S NOT A TUNA!!!""",1,en
What are a NEET's favorite type of shoes? REEEEEEEEEEEEBOKS,1,en
"if you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again .",0,en
"wait come back, i didn't mean it when i was just being myself",0,en
"cashier : will that be all? me : no . i'm getting everything like an easter egg hunt , i just wanted to show you what i've got so far .",0,en
what did the banker say to the tongue when he rejected his loan application? there's no accounting for taste .,1,en
"How many people you need to build a building? Many people, as it requires different type of professional skills",1,en
My love life is like magic. Because it dosen't exist,0,en
I'm reading the newspaper with a vengeance. This time it's personals,0,en
Where did bob go during the explosion? ...everywhere.......,1,en
You've got to be careful once you start cooking with Crisco. It's a slippery slope,1,en
"As a child, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine...  As I got older, I realized it was just a phase...",1,en
What's stucco?  What happens when you step in bubblegummo.,0,en
What do you call a group of brain surgeons? A neural network.,1,en
there was a school shooting near me today I wonder if the bodies are still warm?,1,en
What do you do after covering Versace on the floor? Load the body bag onto the ambulance.,0,en
What is it called when two little people get divorced? Daworfed,0,en
If two people love each other nothing is impossible. Except deciding where to eat,0,en
"Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv? Because in space, no one can hear you stream.",0,en
anybody know where i can get a game of thrones valentine's day card? it's for my sister .,0,en
me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel. i won !,0,en
Math jokes never work on me I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up,1,en
"Job interview: ""what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date"" ""I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning""",1,en
"a man asks his friend to stop telling animal puns . his friend says "" sorry, it's a bad rabbit i have . """,1,en
The baby is coming... ...soon and we're both very happy.,0,en
"nickel back joke if i had the world's most expensive nickel, then someone of class would actually want their nickel back .",1,en
"My girlfriend and I have a rocky relationship. Much like Sylvester Stallone, there is a communication problem",1,en
"roses are red, violets are blue in soviet russia poem writes you",0,en
why was the redditor mad at reddit? because it made her wait seven minutes before posting something .,0,en
Albert Bandura can anyone tell me the joke about bandura with a chicken and the egg. something about realizing that the environment came first,1,en
"Asked God his thoughts on assuming genders, his reply. ""Hmmm, I guess I should have made it more obvious""",1,en
Why was the painter sprinting down the street? Because his paint was running.,1,en
Why did a pregnant lady walk into Jimmy Johns? They promised freaky fast delivery,1,en
did you here about the man who was diagnosed with parkinson's. he was pretty shaken up about it,1,en
"When I was a child, my father would always tell me, ""The sky's the limit! "" He was never supportive of my dreams to become an astronaut.",1,en
When everyone is sharing the jokes of the day on Facebook but. You already reddit,0,en
"Best Fortune cookie ever: ""Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application.""",1,en
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running,0,en
"And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.",1,en
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York,0,en
what do you call a river that's an actor? russell flow,1,en
"My boss told that we need to stop testing with animals. I asked: ""why? Cosmetics companies do that too"" My boss said: ""yes but we make chainsaws""",1,en
"Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his ""carpenter"" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds",1,en
"Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet",0,en
Do you remember that barbeque you had? The one where I had my meat all up on your grill,0,en
what is bear grylls ' favorite snack brand? nature's valley,0,en
There's still a place for books nowadays recycle bins.,0,en
"How do you start a hedgehog race? Say ""GAH"".",0,en
why do people in afghanistan air dry after they shower? because of the towel ban,1,en
My teenage son is obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine. But I'm sure it's just a phase,1,en
"batman : "" shall we watch a film ? "" superman : "" have you got cape fear ? "" batman : "" only in revolving doors. now , a film ? """,1,en
"if lindsay lohan can call herself an artist, i can call myself a german shepherd",1,en
"Dear Abby, I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?",0,en
"What did the HS principal say when he accidentally got a math substitute to fill in for a chemistry teacher? Whoops, wrong sub.",0,en
"After much consideration, I have decided to do something for the emo kids. I have planted a tree in my backyard for them to all hang out together.",1,en
what's a grammar teacher's favorite dessert? synonym rolls !,0,en
"Wanna know how diets and girls are similar? If you cheat on it, your body will not be okay.",0,en
Most people don't get it... Because it's a strain of virus that hasn't crossed over to humans... Yet.,1,en
"My son claims he ""loves me, "" but the contents with which he fills diapers he KNOWS I'LL BE CHANGING suggests otherwise.",1,en
"What did the Barbie factory do when it ran out of belly buttons? They called the the navel reserve, naturally.",1,en
What do pessimists use... Q: What do pessimists use to wash their clothes? A: Deterrent.,1,en
it's two in the morning. do you know where your blankets are ?,0,en
"I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!",1,en
If the grass isn't green enough... you can always go around back and play in the mud!,0,en
"I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough. For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach",1,en
what kind of fruit never leaves the bowl. cantaloupe,0,en
How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist? Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.,1,en
i don't understand facebook. if i wanted to convince complete strangers that my life was better than theirs i'd become a rapper,1,en
What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? I'll catch you later!,0,en
i just spent all day looking for a cat with one eye. i think i would of found it if i used both,1,en
Whats the worst part about living in America? The last three words of this tile,0,en
A man and his wife go to a therapist. Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.,1,en
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild,1,en
my wife told me i had to choose my wife walked in and told me i had to choose. her or reddit threedots i'm sure going to miss her,0,en
guys insult each other and don't really mean it. girls compliment each other and don't really mean it either,1,en
"So many rainbows so little rain. Please send rain, sincerely California",0,en
What is robot jazz called? Beep Boop Bop!,1,en
You hear the joke about the frenzied mob? It's a riot.,1,en
"If Apple designed a house, what would they not install? Windows...",0,en
"if peeing was an olympic event , i would win gold. but then i would miss the awards ceremony because i was taking a leak",1,en
What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game? First person shooter.,0,en
Imagination: God sitting on a park bench feeding birds with some rye bread crumbs. Reality: Ethiopia,1,en
Business Idea: Audio books for deaf people,1,en
"I'm like a single electron. Sometimes, when no one is watching, I interfere with myself",1,en
What do you get when you put an egg in the ground? An eggplant.,1,en
"A dog had three puppies: Mopsy, Topsy, and Spot. What was the mother's name. 'What'",1,en
buying yourself an uber gift card is ironic. cause it's a free ride when you've already paid,0,en
the big bang theory : god spoke and bang! it happened .,1,en
"if you turn pineapple upside down cake right side up, it's just cake .",0,en
"what's a similarity between obese people , and my relationships with women? they don't work out .",1,en
"when she screams "" deeper! "" threedots threedots but you already have a degree in philosophy .",0,en
how do you eat a computer? byte by byte .,0,en
Don't look at the bot so it disappears Just like the boy in my school did .,0,en
"You're the only one who understands me, last remaining sleeve of Oreo cookies.",0,en
"Saw a sign at a gas station earlier that said ""car wash out of order. "" So I waxed my car, sprayed it with water and then applied soap",1,en
My surgeon friend that specialized in Augmentation Mammaplasty just died. I regret not being there the moment he took his last breast,1,en
"In physics, when something's unknown we call it ""Dark energy"", or ""Dark matter"". In america, when a criminals identity is unknown we call it ""Dark man"".",1,en
What do you call a person riding a bicycle while listen to pop music? A popsicle,1,en
"do you know why caesar put lettuce in his salad? oh , just cos .",0,en
"Hippocrates did very well for himself, considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.",1,en
What type of jokes do planets tell each other? Cosmic jokes.,1,en
"My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.",1,en
How do you get a parrot to talk properly? Send him to polytechnic !,0,en
"I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.",1,en
"I don't understand why people are worried about world hunger With all the people starving to death, there's plenty of meat to go around.",0,en
What is the Earth's most juvenile lake? Lake Titicaca of course!,0,en
What's the difference between a redwood and a dead baby? A redwood won't fit in a wood chipper.,0,en
Reddit I'm in a bit of a pickle. and it taste great,0,en
"a boy went to a halloween party with a sheet over his head . ' are you here as a ghost? ' asked his friends ' no i'm an undercover agent "" .",1,en
I bumped into my rival jousting opponent. We exchanged lances,1,en
"I got a Jury Summons today, I'm sending them my Twitter profile to get out of it. Fingers crossed",0,en
What is the similarity between a celebrity and a terrorist? They both create booms wherever they go,1,en
What did children used to celebrate on their date of birth when Industrial Revolution took place? Labor Day,1,en
"The first time a woman swallowed my stuff, I was so appreciative that I swallowed her bullshi t for the next two years.",0,en
"Sponsor a Child I was thinking of sponsoring a child in Africa. But him being so far away, how could I be sure he actually completed the Fun Run?",0,en
I'm a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There's a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start,0,en
Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day? He fell in love with the Grand National winner!,0,en
happy mothers day to all of the moms out there! scared you didn't i ?,0,en
"Genetically modified fruit never ceases to amaze me. Check out this unnaturally large melon. Ah, it's not a melon. It's a grape.",1,en
How do you buy the freshest baby? You buy the pregnant mother before the baby is born.,0,en
The light at the end of the tunnel... ... is most likely the front lights of an oncoming train.,1,en
"what does fun stand for? some nights , i don't know .",1,en
What's the difference between a library and a helicopter? You won't hear Kobe screaming in a library.,0,en
"why was general yoda afraid of april? because march , april may .",1,en
Fee Fie Foe Fum What is Fee Fie Foe Fum Fum Foe Fie Fee? Mike Tyson's inmate number.,0,en
What is it that women and all delivery guys have in common? Miscarriage,1,en
so I brought a panic! at the disco themed bike the other day and went up this big hill. put my hands in the air and said hey look ma I made it ,0,en
"Shaq just described himself as a geek. The word has officially lost all meaning,",1,en
"my main move is to say "" long story short, "" but then hit you with long story medium .",1,en
What do you call a couple of ones and zeros orbiting around each other? Binary stars.,1,en
how can you tell if a dictionary has been working out? you can see the definition .,1,en
Have you heard about Will.i.am's new sitcom? My Name Is URL,0,en
What happened to the man who owned a riding academy? Business kept falling off!,0,en
Why is Kristen Stewart safe from the Fine Brothers? Because she has no facial expressions so can't react.,0,en
she died doing what she loved: telling someone the difference between your and you're,1,en
Why does Godzilla go to temple? because he's a kaiju,1,en
"Everyone is going crazy over that Kim and Kanye named their baby ""North West"" I believe she's going straight to the top. And slightly to the left",0,en
"A new day always forgives you, unless it's raining and you wake up in jail.",0,en
why did the man vomit after eating middle eastern food? it made his stomach falafel .,1,en
I used to work in a blanket factory. But it folded.,0,en
Jenny McCarthy was wearing a jacket and gloves in Time Square on New Years Eve. I didn't know she believes in the theory of weather,1,en
Why can a number divided by zero never be found in the dictionary? Because it's undefined.,1,en
What is loud and heavy in my basement A barrel full of babies Its my first post: probably not good,0,en
Do you know what makes me happy? Cause I sure don't,0,en
when does it rain money? when there's change in the weather .,0,en
If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day but. if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done,1,en
What is a wolf's favourite dance move? The Shuffle ... pack of wolves.,1,en
Find X Teacher : you can call X whatever you want to call it Student: Madeline McCann Teacher: now find X Student :that might be abit difficult ,0,en
Sitting here eating blueberries wondering if my brain is improving Doubt it. took too long to spell doubt,0,en
How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.,1,en
What do you call a bicycle made just for grandpas? A popsicle!,0,en
What's a parrot's favourite song? I love Parrots in the Springtime!,0,en
Nickelback walks into a bar. there's no punch line because ruining music isn't funny,1,en
what does a cheetah call usain bolt? fast food,1,en
"a shower so cold, you call it by your exes name",1,en
"I had an arguement with a philosophy major I told him NO, I don't want avocado on my footlong!",1,en
so what do you say to an invisible man? stand clear .,1,en
"Blood oranges at the farmer's market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.",1,en
In America education isn't free... Your life is the price.,0,en
"If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry",1,en
It's quaint when a company publishes a fax number on their website's contact page. It's like finding a Walkman at a flea market,1,en
"Every time Larry picked up his colleagues in NJ and drove them to NYC, his wrists started hurting. He was diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome",1,en
What does an elderly composer use as a walking aide? A Zimmer frame,1,en
What do you call it when the bull impales the bullfighter? A hole in Juan!,1,en
What Metallica song does Captain America hate? Trapped Under Ice.,1,en
"i don't think i could ever do a threesome. i can't even satisfy one girl , let alone a girl and a guy",0,en
What do you call the black burger chain? Three Guys,1,en
Which is Syrians favorite game? It's Rocket league. ,1,en
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn't this a thing yet,0,en
What did the salesman at footlocker say to the customer? Shoes wisely,1,en
Fred Flintstone only gets haircuts in the UAE. It's the only place he can get an Abu Dhabi Do,1,en
why is bieber never late? because he's always justin time,0,en
Physicist Frank Wilczek states that there is life on other planets. Profesor Stephen Hawking maintains his position,1,en
Ever wonder where people got their surnames from? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher might have been a butcher. ...then there's Mr. Dickinson.,1,en
Where do safari animals buy their groceries? From the supermeerkat,0,en
What did Sigmund Freud do for mother's day? His mom.,1,en
Latest Apple news: Tablet rumours a hoax. Apple to unveil new iPhone with rotary dial in plan to dominate senior demographic,1,en
How did Chad Kroeger lose a quarter? Everyone who bought his tickets wanted their nickelback,1,en
What do the auto mod and police have in common? They both like to lock everything.,1,en
What is the diference betwen my sister and a potato. The potato is first in the graund and then in the basment. ,1,en
You know who's happy right now the kids who are locked up in my basement,0,en
Why does Fred Williard keep Kleenex in his pocket? They come in handy.,0,en
why are carpenter ants the sexiest ants? because they eat your wood .,1,en
what would you call the fantastic four if snoop dogg joined the team? the high five,1,en
"Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.",0,en
What did the Vietnamese architect say to the Chinese post man? CHING CHONG,1,en
What is Thanos' favorite dairy product? Half and Half,1,en
cooking tip: you can almost always substitute nutella for a serious relationship .,1,en
What did the yogi have for breakfast? an lette,0,en
Why can't you trust snakes? They speak with forked tongues !,1,en
What is a good reason to live in Kansas? Family.,0,en
plumber : you have hard water. me : you mean like ice ?,1,en
what time does wimbledon start? tennish,0,en
""" how'd the session go with your new therapist? "" "" it was a waste of time . he just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting . """,0,en
why can't you trust anything matter says? because it makes up everything .,0,en
why are divers always so nervous? because they're always under pressure !,1,en
Have you heard what I think of windmills? Big Fan.,0,en
"Apart from designers, what profession is the best at making clothes? Biologists, they work with genes all the time.",1,en
just be yourself. all the good personalities are taken,1,en
procrastination is a really deep word. i'll tell you guys the rest some other day,1,en
"sad news from miami today: famous rapper , pitbull , was unfortunately found alive in his home today according to a relative .",1,en
I've been told I'm oblivious. I had not noticed this,1,en
"Game over. So we should start a new sub, this one is long gone.",0,en
"""Man of Steel"" is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty",1,en
"Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it's taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..",1,en
Why does Heisenberg hate driving? He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.,1,en
what is a orphans biggest dilemma when it comes to cooking? making a homemade meal .,1,en
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art not as nice as this time last year.,0,en
How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!,0,en
I went to the doctors to see him about my memory loss... But I forgot to mention it to him.,0,en
"What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two? Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!",1,en
How much does automail cost? An arm and a leg.,1,en
to be or not to be ? that is the question. the answer ? chuck norris,0,en
""" use divorce , luke. "" "" obi wan , marriage counselor",0,en
I was so tanned from the heat the other day that when I asked how much for the cheese and cracker The cashier was like: Cheese and what?,1,en
Why rivers are never viewed on dvd or video cassette? Because they are always streaming.,1,en
What kind of bicycle do thieves love most? Steel bikes.,1,en
What did the guy say when he finshed the race at the boston marathon Look mum no hands,1,en
"if there's one thing everybody can agree on, no there isn't .",0,en
"i think tuesdays are worse than mondays. you can't use "" it's monday "" as an excuse",1,en
"what did one termite say to another in a burning building? "" barbecue tonight ! """,1,en
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bubbles ! Bubbles who? Bubbles bangles and beads...!,0,en
why does the noble gas always cry? because all his friends argon .,1,en
what is your favorite type of wood? mine is morning .,0,en
how can you tell when a fax has been sent by a blonde? when there's a stamp on it .,0,en
"It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go ""Aaaaaargh"" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in",1,en
What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane? A boeing constrictor,1,en
"How do frat boys cut down trees? With a sah, dude",1,en
I forgot my joke about a lollipop. I swear it was on the tip of my tongue,1,en
Why did the pasta chef take his car into the body shop? Cause it got al dente'd up!,0,en
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints,0,en
How'd the leprochaun get a tan? Cirrhosis.,0,en
why did princess leia cry at the end of return of the jedi? her father just died .,0,en
"I was interviewed for a magazine story today and they asked me what I want on my tombstone. I said how about, ""he ain't here yet""",1,en
How did Godzilla get the job opportunity? Some say he had a foot in the door... and the window... and the wall.,1,en
I have two personal trainers. One on each foot,1,en
What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? NYC subway commuters.,1,en
"if things around you don't change, change the thing you're around .",0,en
"If I was a police sketch artist I would be like ""is this the guy? "" And they would be like ""nope that's a barn"" because I can only draw barns",1,en
"why are most reddit posts medium rare? because they certainly aren't rare , and are definitely not well done .",1,en
"I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten. I call it Spock and Aww. Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.",0,en
Where does a wealthy lady reside? A womansion,1,en
I love my baby like I love my food Fresh from the oven,0,en
What disease do neckbeard mosquitos give you? M'laria.,1,en
Which alligator lives in the arctic? The refridgegator.,1,en
Women are like a swimming pool. considering the money you spent on it and the time you spend in it,1,en
I don't think I could ever fist someone.  I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there. ,1,en
"it doesn't matter how hard i try , i just don't seem to be going anywhere in life hamster therapist: sounds like you're in a vicious circle",1,en
"as i get older, more and more of my christmas wish list is just stuff i need from the grocery store .",0,en
what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? my girlfriend knows about my wife .,0,en
Do you know what the real letdown about John Glenns death is? It's the second time that Yuri Gagarin beat him to it.,0,en
"if you've had your name called over the pa system at a grocery store, you're now famous enough to compete on dancing with the stars .",1,en
"Girls think shrinkage is funny but I just think they're jealous, because the same principal does not apply to them.",1,en
I received a request to go and fix a broken handle on a window. It turned out to be a crank call,0,en
tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. i had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep,1,en
How can a person travel from the north pole to the south pole without passing the equator? By becoming a stripper.,1,en
what do ginger baker and strong coffee have in common? they are both terrible without cream .,1,en
How does a fetus know if it'll be born Jewish It gets charged rent,1,en
I dont know the weight of my mother but... I saw her on animal planet with the elephants.,0,en
"An Existential Question If given the choice between eating outside and watching the Nickelodeon network, what would you do? I'd pick Nick.",1,en
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? A. They were really put out.,0,en
Whats a German stone path called? Goebells,1,en
when is the only time a white nfl wide receiver is a good thing? when your sister tells you she's dating an nfl wide receiver .,0,en
a bee just landed on my cheek and didn't sting me. i think we're dating now,0,en
What's the best thing to say if a pizzaman does an AMA? OP delivers.,0,en
What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle !,0,en
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below,1,en
""" no, everything's fine "" must've been a great phrase to say before women got hold of it .",1,en
Why is Man Utd's chemistry lacking? Because they are held together by weak van den Gaal's forces.,1,en
"the hostess said to sit wherever i want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking .",1,en
Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway. Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to yield right of way,1,en
Did you go to the cellphone's wedding? No but I heard that the reception was great.,0,en
"What's the difference between a psychologist and a groundskeeper? One you need for a rough patch, the other you need to patch your rough.",1,en
Why was the solider nervous about being deployed? He had arachnophobia.,1,en
you like sleeping? me too ! we should do it together sometime .,0,en
"thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday threedots",0,en
What's the similarity between me and a christmas tree ornament?  We'd both look better hanging from a tree.,1,en
My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know? She said she missed me,0,en
People kept telling me to be positive and to spread positivity But apparently donating blood after finding out I'm HIV positive isn't what they meant,1,en
You know the only good thing about being a Jewish chimney sweeper in Auschwitz? You get to have all your family and friends around you.,0,en
What do you call a German Barber? Herr Cut.,1,en
"Yes, they're good. But mangoes act like they know they're good, and that's unappealing to me",1,en
What's the difference between chef boyardee and orphans? The chef boyardee always finds home,1,en
"men kick friendship around like a football , but it doesn't seem to crack. women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces",1,en
why did the mountain climber quit halfway through his climb? he really wasn't feeling up to it .,1,en
"Why was the car engine so loud, but the rest of the car terrible? Because torque is cheap",1,en
what's the second hardest thing in the morning? getting out of the bed !,0,en
customer : waiter i found a hair in my turtle soup . waiter : how about that! the turtle and the hare finally got together .,1,en
What's Scoobys birthstone? Ruuuubbbby,0,en
"Everyone's a contrarian these days. Well, except for me of course",1,en
"Drink plenty of water. The most common cause of kidney stones is not drinking enough fluids, especially water. kidney water",1,en
What's the best day to go to the beach?  On Sunday...,0,en
why is jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle? he always gets stuck on across .,1,en
why is turtle wax so expensive? because turtles have such small ears,1,en
What do you call a girl who pushed her father off a cliff? Pushpa!!,0,en
What the difference between Reddit and other sites? On some of them you actually have a voat,0,en
what do test tube babies do on mothers day and father's day? they cry,1,en
I downloaded corn onto my computer. It messed up the kernel,0,en
I know a guy who incessantly counts. I wonder what he's up to now.,1,en
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...,0,en
"ladies , if you give men a choice between two things we'll pick the first. we stopped listening and didn't hear the second",1,en
We should make a way to comment Make a post with the link of a post you want to comment on and you can make a comment!,0,en
"Is there some organization that evaluates the quality of shea butter? Because if so, it could have Fifty Grades of Shea.",1,en
A man with dredlocks and no religion is. Currently Jahb less,0,en
a five year old just made up this joke . q : why do astronauts eat so fast? a : because they're on a rocket ship . duh .,0,en
What is cheese's favorite music genre? R and Brie,0,en
"My website wouldn't show up, so i had to reload it you can say it was pretty refreshing",0,en
How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier it's going to rain. If not it already is,1,en
"I went to the food court today. And in the case of Pizza V Hamburger, the judge ruled in favor of the plantiff",1,en
"would you watch a turkey dance? no , but i'd watch a chicken strip .",0,en
I accidentally went to Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca. It was a Wookie mistake,1,en
"Which is the odd one out between olive oil, Madeleine McCan, zinc and gold? Zinc as it was the only one not traded around the Mediterranean.",1,en
I used to see dead people in my sleep So I stopped sleeping with them.,1,en
"let's be honest: when life gives you lemons , most of you just cry to the internet about it .",1,en
"mirrors don't lie. lucky for you , they can't laugh either",1,en
Origami The World Origami Championships is today. Let's see how it unfolds,1,en
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature,1,en
"i once wanted to start a pessimist club, but i knew it would never work .",1,en
"Russian 'Matreshka' Doll store is looking for a senior manager. also a manager, a junior manager and a junior manager's assistant",1,en
"One of these days, I'm going to go fishing for complements. I hope I catch some peanut butter and jelly",1,en
I stopped fighting my inner demons; We're totes BFFs now.,0,en
"I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk. Hey said, ""I'm sorry, but there's no whey.""",1,en
What is Bing's most searched word? Chrome,0,en
What do couch potatoes evolve into? Computer chips.,1,en
"What do you say to give an electrician encouragement? ""You conduit!""",1,en
"just because i don't talk to you , or text you first , doesn't mean i don't miss you. i'm just waiting for you to miss me",0,en
New study says glasses help with math. Apparently they are good for davision,1,en
Did you hear about the guy who through his alarm clock while hosting a party? He wanted to see if time flys while having fun.,1,en
Before you take advice from me. you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold,0,en
Saw Marshawn Lynch at the eye clinic a few days ago. He told me he was just there so he won't get blind,0,en
why is it called big bang? baby universe was born .,1,en
Where's the one place you can always win at Jenga? The Parkinson's center,0,en
"""I loves hows you've done me spinach Doc! "" Popeye tells his host. Hannibal winks. ""The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.""",1,en
My Muslim friend went on a Eurotrip this summer. Told me he had an absolute blast at every country he visited,1,en
why don't x and z get along with y? because y so serious,0,en
why did your mum ask for food? edward macaroni fork,0,en
Q: What did the alien say to the gardener? A: Take me to your weeder.,0,en
"My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment",1,en
i received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. anyone who can fit into my clothes isn't starving !,0,en
Epileptic people seem to do really well in performances They always manage to seize the day ,1,en
"i'm on a roll tonight ! whoops ! never mind, it was just a muffin .",0,en
What is Cliff Burton's favorite cymbal? Crash.,0,en
Without me it would just be aweso. Just saying,0,en
What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment? A flat fish !,0,en
"Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio? He stopped believing in stereotypes.",1,en
I bought a Female Golden retriever and named her Sophia. Because she's my Golden Girl,0,en
Was walking to class and saw a special ed kid fall and end up late for class I call that a tardy slip,1,en
traditional marriage was between a boy's parents and a girl's parents. and maybe some cattle,1,en
what did the stone say to the hill? let's rock and roll .,0,en
keep your daughters away from olympic track and field events: doctor's orders .,0,en
What is Adam's brother called? Subtractem,0,en
that one onion ring didn't end up in your french fries by accident. that's burger king's way of flirting with you,1,en
what's a mathematicians favourite plant? any that has a square root !,0,en
What is the ethiopian population ? Depends on the wind direction,1,en
"Jesus loved me when I was a child. Well, at least he said he was called Jesus.",1,en
BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is down. Worker productivity rises. U.S. climbs out of recession.,1,en
"My friends always ask me : ""Which girl at this school do you have the best chance of smashing?"" If I have enough adrenaline, probably any of them",1,en
i was nearly crushed under a huge pile of bread. i was in so much pain,0,en
"A man calls in sick... ""It's my eyes,"" he says. ""What's wrong with them? "" his boss asks. ""I just can't see myself coming to work today.""",1,en
"Once upon a time. People came up with original jokes to post, instead of reposting the same old ones",1,en
"When an artist covers another artist's song, it's flattering. When a comedian tells another comedian's joke, it's Carlos Mencia",1,en
you should ask her if she gained weight. that way she knows you're paying attention to her,0,en
how do you find out if a dead man has autism? you give them an autopsy,1,en
Why couldn't the auction house find any buyers for the Celtic artifact? It was completely runed.,0,en
can't shake this headache. perhaps the shaking isn't helping,0,en
I recently got a job in security at a japanese art gallery as an Arts Marshall.,1,en
Now I never knew just how technologically advanced Moses was.. .. but he did have the first tablet that connected to the cloud.,1,en
"The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.",1,en
Roses are red violets are glorious. You should never surprise Oscar Pistorius!,0,en
what day do most mothers give birth? labor day .,1,en
What's Princess Leia's first name? Comoniwanna.,0,en
"what did one bunny say to the other bunny? "" there's a sale on at the carrot store ! """,1,en
What do you tell a conductor when they lose control of their orchestra? Go Bach and get a Handel on it!,0,en
"When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person",1,en
What do you call a male camel toe? A moose knuckle,1,en
why did the octopus become an electrician? because many hands make light work .,1,en
Why couldn't people find Joseph? He was Haydn!,0,en
A clock asked another clock out. He was timezoned,0,en
"I was so poor, we couldn't afford a bidet. I had to do hand stands in the shower",1,en
A lot of people say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stephen Hawking disagrees,1,en
"A tree on facebook The tree got upset because of a meme someone made of him and instead of deactivating his account,. he logged out",0,en
what kind of ears does an engine have? engineers,1,en
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet. I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.,1,en
"As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes, But he'd herd them all.",1,en
"two pancakes walk in the desert . one of them tells the other one: "" your jam fell off . """,1,en
No one knows what the singer Sia looks like. Hopefully we will Sia Later,0,en
Have you seen www.indecisive.com? Yes and no.,0,en
What was the name of the pakistani hide and seek champion? 'amhid',1,en
"Sometimes, eating is very similar to driving. You trust stale greens",1,en
Why do LEGO men hate going to hospital...? Because plastic surgery costs a fortune!,0,en
"Kobe Bean Bryant was named after Kobe Beef Kind of a crazy coincidence, since both ended up ""well done""!",1,en
How do you say goodbye to a group of Indonesians? A big wave.,1,en
"Ya know you're from Tacoma when. Your niece sees velvet ropes and says ""Ooh , that's some really nice police tape""",0,en
everyone keeps saying marry christmas to me threedots i'm so confused. who's this christmas girl and why does everyone want me to marry her ?,1,en
what is french super mario's favorite board game? le ouija,1,en
"if i got a dollar every time a girl said i wasn't her type, i'd be her type .",1,en
"joke about jokes. i've never told this joke , but i have written it once",1,en
Why are eggs so good at humor? Because they have running yolks.,1,en
"did you hear about the guy who wears as many watches as he can , while trying to collect every type? he has way too much time on his hands .",1,en
what do the english and welsh have in common? kids are their definition of a good time .,1,en
What's the difference between hope and a star? The jews had a star,1,en
"Needing to ""loose"" some weight this year isn't your biggest problem, my friend.",0,en
"UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE",1,en
"I'm really tired all the time, I think I have stereo. It's like I have mono times two",1,en
What is the best thing about working at a balloon factory? The hours of blowing!,1,en
q : what is a bus? a : a bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it .,0,en
"How well did the sailor do in school? Not bad actually, he got high 'C's.",1,en
Have you heard the one about the misaddressed letter? You might not get it.,0,en
"There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings",0,en
"Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery. We're calling it Send Noods",1,en
your girlfriend is rated e: for everyone .,0,en
Busrides are good for your character. They keep you grounded,1,en
Me: are you married? Him: separated Me: your wife know about that,1,en
what do you call a rock climbing cow? a high steak situation,1,en
"why do people say "" i saw it with my own eyes. "" do they sometimes use other peoples eyes ?",1,en
How do hair stylists get in shape? Curling Iron.,1,en
"i like kids, but i don't think i could eat a whole one .",0,en
"Oh so you like metal? Name three blacksmiths Will, Jaden and Willow",0,en
"Give a girl a plane ticket... ... and she'll fly for a day. Push a girl from a plane, and she'll get to fly for the rest of her life.",0,en
"i don't understand the purpose of smooth objects. i mean , there's no point",1,en
My friend went whale watching the other day. I didn't know people were paying to take pictures of my ex,1,en
what's blue and has big ears? an elephant at the north pole !,0,en
"My friend Steve the spider has been hanging out at my place for a while to get back on his feet Cool guy, wants to become a web developer.",0,en
"for the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea .",1,en
Why does Cuba not have any casinos? They Havana no money to spend.,1,en
"i lost a few pounds today, threedots but when i lifted up my shirt i found them again .",0,en
Guys help how to lose weight? Cut carbs?,1,en
the snooze button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination .,0,en
what do you say when you step on a snake? well that bites .,1,en
Did you hear about the metal that stopped the evil organisation? I heard that an aluminium foiled their plan!,0,en
"the early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so threedots i choose sleep .",0,en
"can't believe nintendo didn't make a commercial for the wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying "" it's not you, it's wii "" .",0,en
I spent the night in the forest last night But I'm still not out of the woods yet.,0,en
Whats the difference between Maddie McCann and The E.T? The E.T comes back to home.,0,en
"Why are Americans bad a geography? Because, the students who skipped where the only that survived.",1,en
What car does Luke Skywalker drive? A Toyoda,0,en
"I have some frilly pants. They are never on time. It's OK, though... They're late bloomers",0,en
Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting our waters? Pupil: Stop taking baths,1,en
James Gunn should do an AMA so we could talk about Rampart,0,en
"Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles ""how to read a book"".",1,en
"What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist? ""Let me be Frank with you.""",1,en
what swims slightly faster than a shark? the little mermaid on her period .,1,en
why was there a dyslexic stormtrooper? sith happens .,0,en
Fiiiiiiish What do you call an incomplete fish? A still in beta fish.,0,en
What do you call people who died because of Corona virus? Corona losses,1,en
Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves? On their... Dramatic Paws,1,en
"Star Wars really beat me in movies. Rogue One, Me Zero",0,en
"If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?",1,en
funny pick up line are you from japan? because i want to get in japanese !,0,en
"if it weren't for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers .",1,en
"what grows when you squeeze it , explodes if you rub it too hard , and children love it? a balloon animal !",0,en
What is Captain Ahab's favorite reggae band? Bob Marley and The Whalers!,0,en
My wife said she's leaving me because I never make any sense... ...and that's why I don't like cricket...,1,en
"Why did the amputee want to climb Mount Everest? He knows that when he is climbing, he doesn't have to deal with leg pain.",1,en
"If ADHD is heritable, is it therefore energenetic?",1,en
why didn't the penguin close on his mortgage? he had cold feet .,0,en
"A Frenchman is buying a bread stick and the cashier asks.. ""are you okay carrying this loaf? "" to which he replies ""baguette"".",1,en
"if at first you don't succeed, do it the way i told you !",0,en
"So glad the new phone book arrived, because I hate texting the wrong number from the rotary phone in my Ford Model T.",1,en
"nowadays people know the price of everything, but the value of nothing .",1,en
where is victoria working now? in the kitchen .,0,en
How much do you like air? How much do you like air in a scale since fish to george floyd?,0,en
Why did the redditor cross the road? So that it didnt have to deal with the mods of this sub.,0,en
Did you hear about the sly woodlands creature that was killed for his fur? He went from a cunning stoat to a stunning coat,1,en
Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots,1,en
""" i'm an actress "" i watched your web series, and i disagree .",1,en
"A priest walks into a shoemakers shope... And says to the cobbler, ""Help! My soles need heeling!""",1,en
What do you call emotions of a DNA? Gene expressions,1,en
What is robin going to get for Christmas? An oviposition set,0,en
what do you get if you cross a hairdresser and a bucket of cement? permanent waves !,0,en
What do you call a fish that likes to cook? Bobby Fillet,1,en
"I'm so broke, all the last guy that broke into my house got.. was experience...",0,en
What's the difference between chocolate and humans? I can still buy dark chocolate,1,en
"When someone tells me, ""Great question. "" I never hear their answer because I'm busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question",1,en
"i'm currently making some changes in my life. if you don't hear from me anymore , you're probably one of them",0,en
"Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates. That's why vegans can only say ""i'm vegan""",1,en
Which fly makes films? Stephen Speilbug !,0,en
What are the magic words for making a spoiled asparagus edible? Impairagus Repairagus,1,en
question : why should a honeymoon only be six days? answer : because seven days makes a whole week .,1,en
"so i read this book about a camping trip, it was really intents threedots i'll see myself out .",0,en
What did the spider say to the fly? We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing,1,en
what insect is the wood ant related to? the should ant and the could ant .,1,en
Met a guy that lives in a fridge the other day... ..he was cool,0,en
What do motors and the Soviet Union have in common? Commutators,1,en
"what did the deer first say when he got to church? deer god , please forgive me of my sins .",0,en
i don't drink for religious reasons. i drink for other reasons,1,en
What breed of dog loves to take a bath? A shampoodle,0,en
"how is there not an std clinic called, "" clap on clap off "" ?",1,en
"Why do women need a history month, but not men? Because you couldn't list all of men's achievements in a month.",1,en
why girls prefer iphones. because they are use to its type of Aspect ratio :D,1,en
"I'm trying to ignore the subway mariachi band that's ruining my commute, but I should have refused to carpool with them in the first place.",1,en
I'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist. i hear there's plenty of openings,1,en
Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips. Punchline ends,0,en
There's a new TV show on AMC about people who run away from grains and wheat. I hear they call it The Walking Bread,1,en
My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm too skeptical. But I don't believe her,1,en
Why did Jesus come back from the dead? Because Mary Magdalene was his Horcrux.,0,en
"hey , did you hear about that top secret explosion? me neither . no one did . it's top secret . we're probably on a list already for talking about it .",1,en
"sure , i'd get married . but follow him on twitter? i'm not ready for that kind of commitment .",0,en
"Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.",1,en
Ronda Rousey is the only MMA fighter I can't fap to. She's the only one that finishes before I do,1,en
I like my candy canes the same as how I like my women... Twisted and broken,0,en
I've been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod. It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.,1,en
What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.,0,en
Facebook live streaming is kinda a misnomer... It looked like a first person shooter today.,0,en
What do you call a diseased duck? A Mallardy.,1,en
"thanks for explaining the word "" joke "" to me. i still don't know what it means",1,en
"You must never begin a sentence ""I is ..."". ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence ""I is ..."". Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with ""I is a vowel"".",1,en
"Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure's off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.",0,en
"I went to Applebee's for dinner last night Our food was so good that I asked the waitress to bring out the chef, so they brought out the microwave.",1,en
what did the thief say when he saw the man leave his coat behind? let's jack it .,0,en
"Girlfriend: ""What's senior year without a little slacking? "" Me: ""Junior year.""",1,en
"Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro",0,en
How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond? Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.,1,en
"What do you call it when a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume get together? A beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.",1,en
What do you call a Cadillac with a staircase on the back? An escalador.,1,en
What's Alderaan's main export? Dead bodies.,0,en
Have you tried the restaurant in the Empire State building? I heard it's the bomb.,0,en
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort? The Baaahaaamaaas !,0,en
why men like to fishing so much? they finally found something as smart as them to talk to .,1,en
"Today was so terrible, I thought Steven Seagal was in it.",0,en
Do you know the best part about having only one eye and bad vision? LASIK is half off.,1,en
Since xxxtentacion was a rapper what is his death classified as? Natural Causes or On the Job Injury?,1,en
"Roses are red, Relationships are rare. BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE",1,en
"It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.",1,en
My friend said i like my friend how i like my shoes Black and down at my feet,1,en
Why can't Jesus eat mnm's? because they keep falling through his hands,1,en
What do we call of spill of the world's most abundant resource? A sunny day.,1,en
Dragons aren't evil; they're just upset that they can't enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.,1,en
how does gravity greet itself? it just waves,1,en
"Hey, did you hear about the dyslexic man? He made it to the word jumble championships!",1,en
""" doctor , how bad is it? "" "" i mean , you're just not a great singer . i don't know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you , but there it is . """,1,en
if any pandas are reading this: neat !,0,en
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it,1,en
". Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo",0,en
"if it's till death do us part, we are all single in heaven right ?",0,en
"One thing I learnt while in lock down Just because I masterbated to schindlers list, doesn't mean I had to share it",1,en
"hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? and then we can go over what day it actually is , deal",0,en
relationship status: i'm about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can't find me on the couch .,1,en
"Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me She belongs to us all She's R. Kelly",0,en
What was the rock band doing at the kitchen sink? Moshing the dishes,1,en
"I was in bowling contest with the first prize being a gift card for a soup restarunt In other words, I was Bowling for Soup",1,en
"I was watching ""Who wants to be a Millionaire? "" on Zimbabwean TV.",1,en
"i work in construction threedots we don't have side pieces, we have back hoes",0,en
"Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.",1,en
"Hi, my name is Typo! It's spelled 'Tpyo'.",0,en
"On the surface, my wife is nothing but a blank expression. Hopefully she sinks before a lifeguard sees her. ",1,en
If a parsley farmer is sued. can they garnish his wages,1,en
How do you tell a lonely geologist from a social one? The lonely one dated igneous rocks!,0,en
"Women I love my books like my women Well read,worn and leather bound",1,en
"Little Liz was walking through the forest... When a man came at her with a bread knife. Little Liz started laughing, she knew she wasn't a loaf of bread",0,en
How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. War never changes.,0,en
"if you're robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want .",0,en
I think I can fix one of your ripped shirts. Well sew it seams anyway,0,en
How can you make a basset hound fast? Take away its food!,0,en
A girl missed out on a quiz because she stopped at Starbucks for a coffee She was Latte to the class,1,en
"Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either",1,en
"What's a thimble? By definithion, thomething that represenths or thtands for thomething elth. Thymbolithm, y'know.",0,en
Next week I'm gonna have an MRI scan. I'll finally find out if I have claustrophobia,1,en
"Kim Jong in would be great at call of duty If teamkills counted twords the ""nuke"" scorestreak",1,en
"When someone starts a Facebook post with ""there are no words. "" You better get prepared because you're about to read a lot of words",1,en
how does a tornado tell the time? it checks the tornado watch .,1,en
The world's fastest boxer invited anyone to try to avoid his fists. There was no punchline,1,en
"dad says, "" college students are more interested in women today than ever before threedots "" a lot of them are in a program where they study a broad",1,en
Entropy. isn't what it used to be,1,en
Where did the Emily go during an explosion? Everywhere..,0,en
"If you get mixed up when you read with your fingers, you're just Braillely dyslexic.",1,en
"A couple in therapy The wife: ""I'm just tired of him getting sayings wrong."" The therapist: ""Do you really do that? "" The husband: ""Oh, cry me a table!""",1,en
"How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.",1,en
"How do you get your ducks in a row? Use duck tape, of course!",0,en
how do you tell when a girl really wants you? when you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse .,1,en
"wife : "" do you think of me when you're away darling? "" husband : "" yes honey i always bare you in mind . """,0,en
"Why dont we make a new sub and boycott this one? I mean it would be pretty simple, we just all spam that there is a new sub and make a new one.",0,en
"sleep is like my love life, i ain't getting any",0,en
can i sleep over at your house tonight? there's too much stuff on my bed,0,en
"q : what's big , red , and eats rocks? a : a big red rock eater .",0,en
"Whos the John you cant see and always good on the mic? John ""Jigsaw"" Kramer.",0,en
"I was considering going into the mortuary field. But I hear competition is pretty stiff, and opportunity for advancement is dead. ",1,en
"our children are our future. unless they invent a method for time travel , then they're also our past",1,en
Only a guitarist can do Only a guitarist can pop a g string while fingering a minor and not be put on a list,1,en
what's the most useful material? scratch . you can make anything from scratch .,0,en
The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made,1,en
What is Titus Pullo's Sandal Size? THIRTEEN!,0,en
Why does Daenerys Targaryen listen to Hoagy Carmichael? Because she's got Jorah on Her Mind.,1,en
What do Disney movies and coathangers have in common? They can both bring out the child from within.,1,en
"The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today. So I told him, ""Give me five!""",1,en
I heard they filmed King Kong in Detroit Turns out it was a documentary this whole time,1,en
How do cats let us know that they are in pain? Me...........Owwwwww!!,1,en
"I started playing guitar the other day With all the strings stabbing my fingers, my hands are starting to look like my wrists",1,en
Did you hear about Tom Petty I'm heartbroken ,0,en
"i'm no super genius, but i bet the most effective way to lose "" baby weight "" is to have the baby .",1,en
Why Germans are so good at car engine manufacturing?  Because they have a lot of experience on combustion chambers,1,en
"It's easier to compliment a woman when you're traveling with a toddler. ""Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes.""",1,en
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye But it also stops being fun and games when someone finds an eye,1,en
Who is a cow and horses favorite artist? Moo Nay !,0,en
How do you find King Arthur in the dark? With a knight light....,0,en
"The movie ""A Quiet Place"" is so silent I can't even hear them speaking sign language. This is a joke.",1,en
"Would you like a group of fish? Yeah, tuna's cool. ",1,en
did you here about the pizza place that when bankrupt? i guess they weren't making enough dough,1,en
"My first instinct when I see an animal is to say ""Hello"". My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away",1,en
What is a great resource to help us get about in the world? Pun Petrol,0,en
women! they assume everything but the position .,1,en
My wife loves a man in uniform His name his bob,0,en
Don't move leaves without their permission. That's rake,0,en
You know what they say: Finding the right analogy is has hard as hmm...,1,en
"lap band surgery waist knot, want not .",0,en
what is the difference between god and my love life? some people think god is real .,0,en
Why are nonces good at the recorder Because they are very experienced in touching small holes,1,en
I had a nightmare that there was a shooting in my school... Luckily I knew my way around so that no one could hide from me.,0,en
why did the woman marry the shoe maker? because she was his sole mate .,0,en
"what is my girlfriend's favorite meal? a dish called : "" i don't know , you choose . """,1,en
another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. he lost his job when the company folded,1,en
"What is a berry's favorite farewell? ""Acai you later!""",0,en
Lots of decisions will be made today. Because it's Choose day,0,en
"What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook? ""I just booked a cook for cooking the books.""",1,en
Why do you take toilet paper to the twilight zone? DODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODO,0,en
how do people see so much on internet these days? they put on the google !,0,en
What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.,1,en
"Is the word ""necessarily"" exclusively proceeded by the word ""not""? Not necessarily.",1,en
don't tell me that plants making their own food isnt amazing. thats like you going to taco bell but the tacos were inside you the whole time,0,en
in a meeting . can i go first? thanks . gets up and leaves .,0,en
"A car goes to the grocery store. For the first time, who didn't see one's part because it was the only one left",1,en
"when someone asks me , "" is this seat saved? "" i like to say "" no , but we're still praying for it "" and i laugh because chairs are like , dead .",1,en
My IQ score says I'm intelligent. My dating history disagrees,1,en
"Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart",1,en
How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships? With their eyes shut !,1,en
"chemists confirm the existence of new type of bond bond, james bond .",1,en
Q: What do bees chew? A: Bumble gum.,0,en
what does my microwave and women have in common? they both need a mute button,1,en
why was kylo ren embarrassed at mcdonald's? it was his first order !,0,en
who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? just the people who were in charge of that decision .,1,en
"I'm going to open a restaraunt called pantera bread It will be similar to panera bread, but the food we serve will be much heavier",1,en
"doctor will i be able to play piano after the procedure? doctor : yes , i don't see why not . patient : that's wonderful i could never play piano before !",0,en
someone took my spine and replaced it with theirs. i want to get my own back,0,en
"If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.",1,en
"i get it . true beauty comes from within . but until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, i may have a few shallow moments",0,en
"if you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a facebook event invitation .",0,en
What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house? I don't know.. I just don't see it.,0,en
Like other people They taste good,0,en
question about god? if god can do anything can he do nothing,1,en
What do you do if you find a dead naked woman in the forest? Check the map because you're clearly walking in circles,0,en
"me : "" can you go back four slides ? "" bride : "" to the wedding dress ? "" me : "" no , the cheese plate. "" me : wipes tears",1,en
Whats a flower shop owners favorite day The day after a mass shooting Great for business ,0,en
here lately i've been feeling a void in my life. it's probably nothing,0,en
"i'm going to take a shower and wash my hair , only to have it washed later at the salon. because , i'm a woman and that makes sense",1,en
I love hot showers The warmth makes me forget no one loves me,0,en
I tried getting my girlfriend to do my taxes. But she really wasn't Intuit,1,en
What's the best thing about showering with a nine year old girl? If you slick her hair back she looks like she's only seven.,1,en
What do they say about the average American? They're Fahrenheit.,1,en
"If you're having relationship problems, confess to God not Facebook.",0,en
what disease do horses fear most? hay fever !,0,en
"my son asked me to explain women to him, so i bought him an xbox game for his playstation .",1,en
Have you seen www.tame.com? Yes but I'm not wild about it.,0,en
"If you get a tattoo of a thermos, Is it now a thermostat?",1,en
"Chemist died in a fire outbreak. Polices had identified the cause, the chemist knew the water was not a solution,",1,en
What's the difference between a jew and Pinocchio? Pinocchio was able to escape Pleasure Island,0,en
A womans anger is like a check engine light. there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away,0,en
I am not racist I am just afraid of the dark,1,en
What do dolphins like to listen to? Podcasts.,1,en
"Different cultures like eating animals that we consider pets. For example, did you know that in Japan, they eat fish",1,en
I'm a compromise conspiracy theorist. I believe Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Buzz Aldrin didn't,0,en
How do you disable a guitar? Make a kid with down syndrome play it,1,en
Pollinator? I barely even nectar!,0,en
Did you know Keemstar plays in a movie? Yeah. He stars in Gnomeo and Juliet.,0,en
saw this on a shirt silence is golden: duct tape is silver,1,en
why did the sailor ground his son? his grades were below c level,1,en
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.,1,en
elf : santa one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil ! what should i do? santa : use a pen .,0,en
"When Chuck Norris says ""More cowbell"", he MEANS it.",1,en
"What's a spider baby's favorite nursery rhyme? Head, shoulders, shoulders, knees, knees and toes toes, knees, knees and toes toes.",0,en
"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? ""Firetruck""",1,en
Welcome to your forties. Your eyebrows are now bushy enough you can see them without using a mirror,0,en
Enter the dragon Q: What do you call a martial arts expert with a sore patella? A: Bruised knee,0,en
what's the difference between bacteria and rednecks? when looking at bacteria you can actually find some culture .,1,en
I like turntablism. Some of the samples really speak to me,1,en
my grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry. never mix the whites with the colors,1,en
What's similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet? They're both off and running.,1,en
"If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.",1,en
Incorrect password! Your password must contain: a Uppercase letter A number A haiku A gang sign A hieroglyph And the blood of a Virgin,0,en
i heard the vatican was making a movie . the name? pope fiction,0,en
q : what do birds give out on halloween? a : tweets .,0,en
My Love Life is Like my Ferrari. It's nonexistent,1,en
"Once I've repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret: I come from a long line of mumblers.",1,en
What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby !,1,en
Can we remove automod? The only thing it does is remove posts with keywords. ,0,en
Sometimes i wish i was a woman But then i realise i have rights,0,en
"""What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? "" ""He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise.""",1,en
"If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer ""all sales are vinyl"" until I was fired. It would be worth it",1,en
"Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today? ""No."" Better luck tomorrow.",0,en
"There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes. how is it there are no weight limit on high heels",1,en
"How much for the Ice Cream Scoop? Ma'am, that's a Shovel.",1,en
"I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.",0,en
do you know what my least favorite thing about drinking goats milk is? getting the grass stains off my back .,1,en
Why did the greek philosopher break in two? He was made out of Plato,1,en
Why is Joel McHale such a good neighbour? He has a real sense of community.,0,en
For the next two days you can call me Edward. I'll be snowed in,0,en
What do you call frozen hamburger patties? Burrrrrrgers.,1,en
I think i'm going to be famous! I met Jimmy Savile when I was young and I think he rubbed off on me,0,en
"if a bro works out but doesn't see himself in a mirror, does the bro really work out ?",1,en
"hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance ?",0,en
What do you call a hard rock fan going through gender reassignment surgery? A transition metal.,1,en
Teacher a person who didn't pass his priest exams,1,en
i only had a few friends before i got on twitter. now i don't have any,0,en
How can you tell the Grim Reaper is a good programmer? He always executes! ,0,en
how do you keep a vegan from eating all your dairy? invite two of them .,1,en
"a woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one .",0,en
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out,0,en
I was feeling really isolated And then coronavirus happened.,0,en
what do you call a realistic battlefield situation american schools,1,en
A new remake of Titanic features Bruce Willis. Bruce saves everyone,1,en
If Pingu started a metal band. It would be called Slipnoot,1,en
i don't have a big ego. i'm way too cool for that,1,en
Jeff Bezos doesn't like walking fast because.... it's so taxing on his breath,1,en
Ran out of Manila envelops. Off to the Philippines,0,en
what do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? a doctor,1,en
you know what makes a lot of sense? a dollar,0,en
I bought some Bose stocks today. It was a sound investment,1,en
"i have to work new years eve. but i'm not upset , after work i have the rest of the year off",0,en
"what do you say to two dust particles making out in the street? get a broom , you two .",1,en
"an old russian wisdom: tell me who your friends are , and i'll tell you what you'll be charged with .",1,en
Restraining order Why did Mary get a restraining order against Black Beard the Pirate? He kept trying to plunder her booty.,1,en
"""wat can i say. im a people person"" said the man who was MADE OUT OF PEOPLE",0,en
what did the apple phone designer do when he got home? jack off,0,en
"Cigarettes aren't addicting Just look at me. I smoke all the time, and I'm not addicted",1,en
What do you call a place where firework warehouses explode? Lebaboom,1,en
What do French people do when vacationing in Laos? They go swimming in Laotian,1,en
"all through their lives , guys are called either "" young man "" or "" old man. "" i guess they cut out the middle man",1,en
"Pirate ship Why did the pirate carve a topless mermaid into the front of his ship? Yar, cause wouldn't it be loverly",0,en
my wife and i got into an argument. and now i'm gonna do these dishes so hard,0,en
The guy in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the only time he would rather be buying tampons,1,en
"I just solved all my problems I just pretented it wasn't happening, and I instantly felt better.",0,en
what do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable? a common tater !,1,en
"When a husband asks you if you think it's possible to love someone forever. ""If I find the right person"" is apparently the wrong answer",1,en
What's the fastest thing in Bulgaria? Light,0,en
"You totally had me at ""I want you"" and I was so excited, I completely missed the "" To leave me alone"" part. Sorry my bad",0,en
"Bill stood atop a building, contemplating suicide. In the distance, he saw a billboard. It said ""just do it"".",1,en
"corny joke I was going to tell you a joke about farms, but it was corny",1,en
how can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it? play the piano until you find the right key .,0,en
What do you call a servant that lives with you? A wife,1,en
"At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.",1,en
what did the buddhist get for christmas? presence .,1,en
Why did the mango fall on the floor? Depression,1,en
what do you call a sweet advertising campaign. a brand muffin threedots ill show myself out,0,en
i live for my alarm clock collection. it's the only reason i get up in the morning,1,en
my mom : i was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for christmas! me : funny . i was just thinking about getting a new mother .,0,en
"Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Twitter. ""...you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave...""",0,en
What does a proud computer call his little son? A microchip off the old block.,0,en
"What do you get when you put birthday candles on a pizza? You can't figure it out? I mean, it's a pizz'a cake.",1,en
Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids? To get to the other side.,1,en
What options does an abortionist have to get ashore? Row vs. Wade,1,en
What do you call an asthma patient? The lower oxygen usage model,1,en
Y'all forgot about Surrogate motherhood tbh,0,en
What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant !,1,en
i just saw an onion ring. so i answered it,0,en
Life is like a Rubik's cube... I hate thinking about the colored faces.,0,en
i'm pretty great with money. folks keep calling me and telling me my accounts are outstanding,1,en
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence? It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!,1,en
someone just asked me if i was ' happily ' married. single people are adorable,1,en
Whatever happened to the Bob the Builder kids show? Handy Manny took his job.,0,en
what does a lifeguard and a manager of a curves have in common? they both watch whales .,1,en
"i love chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice .",0,en
why is there a wolf in the smoke shop? he's just looking for a pack .,0,en
My first wife was a great housekeeper. She kept both houses,1,en
I'm really starting to regret dating a dentist. she's always asking me to talk about about my fillings,1,en
my girlfriend thinks i'm cheating on her. but i keep telling her ' i'm not going to leave my wife ',1,en
"I don't do innuendos, but slipping alternative names for poo into sentences is something I do do sometimes.",1,en
"in some cultures, it's considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby . i'd be considered proper there . probably .",1,en
"I know a chess grandmaster, but I've only ever played checkers with him Because I know he'll only lose to a check mate",1,en
Which celebrity is great at creating probate documents? Will Smith,0,en
"My friend's a pyromaniac. I guess you could say he has a ""burning desire""",1,en
Want to hear a corny joke? Never mind I forgot the skewers.,0,en
"Did you guys hear X's new single? It's called ""Can't keep my pulse in my hands""",1,en
Just finished Anne Frank. Very good read. My favorite fiction novel as of today.,0,en
"jesus : listen guys , why has someone written ' nail appointment ' in my diary? judas : no idea , j . no idea .",0,en
"the best revenge is living well, so i really need to know what the second best revenge is .",0,en
""" i'm in your city "" . me: ok . enjoy it .",0,en
i've run out of things to be upset about. i hope justin bieber has kids soon,0,en
What's the difference between the mods and autism. Nothing,1,en
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it,1,en
what method does the australian god use to part the red sea? oz moses .,1,en
why are birds always sad in the morning? their bills are over dew,1,en
i've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday. i guess i'll never know why he so badly wanted an ex box,0,en
makes eye contact with female. medusa,1,en
Who do you pat with encouragement when they fail to work? A Remote control,1,en
"I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.",1,en
What did Jonathan Ross say after breaking in to a large kitchen to steal some utensils? It was worth the whisk,1,en
This moment when... You see a documantary about the holocost and think:man i could do it better.,0,en
Where did the writing for the script of the third Fast and Furious movie begin? In the Tokyo Draft. ,1,en
I'm usually exited for winter. But then I get cold feet,1,en
for halloween i'm dressing up as a plate. girls love to do dishes,1,en
why couldn't the tuba player get a date? he was too low key .,1,en
"If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.",1,en
"i mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today . his reply? "" at least it's all behind you . """,1,en
What do you call a hundred year old man who dies in the library? Overdue,0,en
why didn't the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out? ..nobody gave a shirt.,0,en
Ned: What does your Dad sell? Ed: Salt. Ned: Well my dad is a salt seller too. Ed: Shake.,0,en
"I quit my job and poured years into it Thanks to this recent Ebola scare, I can't ever release my online bowling game...",1,en
"Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them? No, I don't carrot tall.",1,en
What dance did the Pilgrims do? The Plymouth Rock.,1,en
"Just seen Michael J Fox at the local Garden centre Well pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.",1,en
Harrison Ford has broken his ankle. There will now be a new Star Wars cast,0,en
What was the vacant lot's favorite Spoon song? Don't Make Me A Target,0,en
what's the difference between juice and cider? i can't go deep in juice .,1,en
"Did you hear about the weird music that plays at Mozarts grave. Don't worry, He's decomposing",1,en
why wasn't the cat moving? it was on paws,0,en
You know when you read a page of a book and then realize you didn't absorb any of it? I think I did that with my life.,0,en
"I kept getting asked to stop singing ""What is Love? "". My response to this is always the same... ""I would stop if I Haddaway""",1,en
"what is the difference between a boat and a woman? the boat cuts through the water , a woman waters through the cut .",0,en
Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test? He made a few Wookiee errors.,1,en
"I just had my tubes tied, and now I'm. inconceivable",0,en
Corny Deadpool joke Wolverine has DirecTV. Deadpool has Cable,0,en
"Contrary to obvious physics, you can't attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.",1,en
They made a new GTA mod that lets you play in the real world. The first test was in Odessa.,1,en
Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness. it's a double aunt tundra,1,en
"The Hunger Games is like Soccer. Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand",1,en
where does an elephant carry its laptop? in its trunk .,1,en
Where do you take a cheque? Czechoslovakia.,1,en
i'm out of bed and dressed. what more do you want ?,0,en
My friend is working on a website and told me he wanted to use MySQL. Why can't he just use HisOwnSQL?,0,en
How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers? Because I think it makes perfect scents.,1,en
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed. I watched it all unfold,1,en
why was the radioactive food going to taste bad? the meal would fallout of flavor .,1,en
what do you call it when cows do battle in outer space? steer wars .,1,en
What do you call an old person driving an old broken down car? A healthy balanced diet,1,en
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff No strings attached.,1,en
how wide is the universe? how long is a piece of string theory,1,en
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone: iDied.,0,en
"Did you know If Olivia Newton John married John Travolta, her name would be Olivia Newton John Travolta.",0,en
What military branch has the largest biceps? The Army.,1,en
"Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers. Wrong sub",0,en
"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.",1,en
A King taught his son how to use the toilet today. Now they call him Prince Charmin,1,en
"apparently you can't make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don't waste your time .",0,en
talking to women is a lot like origami. i don't know where to start and i always end up screaming,1,en
"always put sunglasses on your tree. then , you'll get the proper shade",1,en
Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.,0,en
What makes a joke bad? redundancy.,0,en
"It's funny how we sleep differently I sleep on my side, my friend sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing ",1,en
What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.,0,en
How do Canadians say Milky Way? Milky Eh.... Get it,1,en
"i ate an optimist once, but i couldn't keep him down",1,en
"I'm a man of my word. and that word is ""unreliable""",1,en
""" i can't believe it's not butter! "" could be a disappointed statement as well . i'd like the context before i buy .",0,en
"in my spare time i like to threedots comment the funniest thing, it doesn't have to be true",0,en
"Once again, I've forgotten what time class starts. When will I ever learn",0,en
"I hesitate to make fun of ""Canadian bacon, "" because I know they'll eventually play the ""American cheese"" card.",1,en
What do you call a disabled sandwich? A veggie burger,1,en
Why are make a wish kids lucky Because they get to meet an Avenger and then Stan Lee,0,en
I just call everyone viewers. so I won't mistake their gender,1,en
I heard the way to get power is by surrounding yourself with people who won't stand up to you Why h is why I'm friends with so many quadriplegics,1,en
Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it. I wish I could make this up,0,en
"Apparently, Isaac Asimov wrote a book about jokes and puns called Treasury of Humor I laughed my Asimov when I was reading it",1,en
Gotye gave us one hit song and disappeared. Now he's just somebody that we used to know,0,en
Q: Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement? A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.,0,en
took a dip in the pool . lifeguard said ' what you got there? ' i said ' hummus ',1,en
what's in a domestic book? home page .,0,en
I wanted to buy a noose on Amazon... But there are no reviews for it... ,0,en
q : where do books sleep? a : under their covers .,0,en
"my biggest fear is ants working together to lift my house up, and bring it somewhere",1,en
What do you call a fight between two dairy products? A fromage fray.,1,en
you know what is intense? camping . is intense .,0,en
Why did the concrete fail at its job? It couldn't take the shear stress,1,en
"i'm no gynecologist, but i'll take a look .",1,en
Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.,1,en
What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.,1,en
Why did the Redgaurd's toe hurt? His Hammerfell,0,en
"A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, ""Depends on what's in it for me.""",1,en
Did you hear about the rivalry between the ice cream shops in Texas and Mexico? It was the Battle of the A'la Mode.,1,en
There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate. others require a full clip and a shovel,1,en
who do you want on your basketball team in heaven? peter . he can deny jesus three times .,0,en
how come newspapers make so much money? because they make money off paper views,1,en
why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past? it had a spoiler on it .,1,en
What piece of clothing is made overseas in an Asia country? Japanese,1,en
Why isn't Princess Diana good at life advice? You can't really help people live if you couldn't get past your own obstacles.,0,en
"Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a ""constellation prize"" at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot",1,en
"My nephew: ""Sometimes it gets puffy and I can't pee"" Me: ""Yeah, unfortunately when you get older it gets puffy and you can't think""",1,en
"I'm much better at organizing my thoughts on Reddit than I am IRL After all, most of my comments here just have the one point.",1,en
"what's long , hard and covered in blood? the boston marathon !",0,en
What does Uranus want the most? Venis ,1,en
why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof? he wanted to make a big splash in front of his class .,1,en
What's a southerner's favourite maths subject 'Relative' Formulae,1,en
How do you make extra virgin olive oil from olive oil? Dating advice from a Redditor.,1,en
Goodbye world Teacher: Where will you be meeting your parents? Student: The gates Teacher: Which ones? Student: The pearly gates,0,en
I heard the Boston Marathon wasn't very good this year. No one really blew away the competition,1,en
are everyone all al'right no! you are all al'left,0,en
What does Houston and the Titanic have in common? They're both buried under the same amount of water,1,en
Did you hear about the kid who slept through every class in school? He got all z's.,0,en
Police now use an iPhone app that scans irises to ID suspects. It replaces their previous method: scanning for dark skin,1,en
"they say : "" keep your friends close and your enemies closer "". the problem is , nowadays you can't tell them apart",1,en
All the people with Down's syndrome look similar. It's almost as if they are genetically related.,1,en
Be nice to bacteria. they're the only culture some people have,1,en
What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs? Sperm banks.,1,en
What kind of tree has the best bark? A dogwood h,0,en
I'm a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I'm sleeping with my clothes on,1,en
Hey mom what happened to sonic Oh well he ran too fast tripped and his face was teared apart on the sidewalk when he was looking for rings,0,en
"I've decided to rent out my brain After all, its intellectual property ",1,en
"""Why are you glowing? "" ""I've been eating light.""",0,en
"My next tattoo will be ""helvetica"" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her",1,en
America doesn't have enough manpower these days. Apparantly the children cannot escape the school shooters.,1,en
where does sans live? sans francisco,0,en
What do you call a happy wizard? Optimystical,1,en
Hung like Einstein smart as a horse. Thanks dad,0,en
"I don't meant to brag, but I'm the world champion in false modesty.",1,en
"As a male college student, the only thing that's disappearing faster than my money. is my Kleenex",0,en
"I'm scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I'll run them under cold water for half a second",1,en
"turns out there is no easter today, they found the body .",0,en
How many bronze players do you need to change a lightbulb? None. They can't climb the ladder.,0,en
When does Helen Keller know to stop wiping Once the toilet paper stops tasting funny,1,en
what did the police say to the hot dog? you are under arrest .,1,en
A girl went to Thailand. And came back a changed man,0,en
i'm in so much trouble. my twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands,0,en
"Sometimes I wake up feeling like I figured something out, only to realize it was gibberish. My latest invention was ladders on airplanes",1,en
"to be a hipster is to live in constant suffering you spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool .",1,en
What do Italians do when they're waiting for somthing? They pasta time.,1,en
"Sometimes I'll just eat a plain piece of bread for dinner, to you it might seem like a snack. but to me it's a wholemeal",1,en
"I identified a body yesterday. ""That's a body! "" I said.",1,en
What do you call a bunch of unicorns? A unicornucopia.,1,en
Bouncer: ID please Me: I got socks for Christmas Bouncer:. okay Me: and I'm genuinely happy about it Bouncer: so sorry come on in,0,en
"What did the magician's assistant say to the magician after the show? ""Thanks for halving me.""",1,en
The one thing that I excel at. is spreadsheets,1,en
Why does a rooster watch TV? For hentertainment !,0,en
Q: Did you hear the watermelon joke? A: It's pitful.,0,en
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy...,0,en
How many Avatar characters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It will change when the fire nation attacks,0,en
"George Foreman named all five of his sons George. I'll bet the password on every website he goes to is ""password""",1,en
Whats the fastest way to cut down a tree? Suh Dude,0,en
"my favorite pokemon joke what did pikachu say when ash fell off a cliff? pikachu , that's all he can say .",0,en
Man people in London seem so depressed these days Or at least a little run down,0,en
Don't be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they'll spend more time manually checking your updates,0,en
how do you make a fire with two sticks? you make sure one is a match !,0,en
"on the way into work i dropped my doughnut on the sidewalk. you read about these things , but never think it'll happen to you",0,en
Why are Americans scared of roundabouts? Centrifugal force scales with mass,1,en
"what's the best score you can get on a test? "" not pregnant """,1,en
"Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away. Rest in peace Jay",0,en
"whoa there , pregnancy test. you just tell us yes or no and we'll decide if it's positive or negative",0,en
"me : i'm going bungee jumping mom : y ? me : my friend john is mom : so if john jumped off of a bridge, would you ? me : that's what i just told u",0,en
Why was the cat so small? Because it only ate condensed milk !,0,en
What do you call ten sets of bagpipes at the bottom of the sea? A start.,1,en
why do pokemon have eyes? so they can pikachu,0,en
"A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says ""Big Breath"" The girls says ""Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"" ",1,en
"When someone asks you if you've met their kids... ... it turns out that the proper reply is NOT ""Yes, heheh.""",1,en
"Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Christmas, the side chick is you!",0,en
An iceberg caused the Titanic to sink. Lettuce have a moment of silence,0,en
"Now, if you all will excuse me I'm going into my closet and I'm not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist...",0,en
If a quadriplegic doesn't wash his hair enough... Can he produce his own vegetable oil? ,1,en
"""Boo! "" A priest startles. It was the holy ghost.",0,en
i have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary. it's weird but he's come to terms with it,1,en
"what's the most american food? popcorn , because you have to blow it up before you eat it .",1,en
I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies,1,en
"when people start praying before a meal, i close my eyes and imagine how far i could throw a potato if i really put my heart into it .",1,en
What did they call the sugar that went to space? Intergalactose,1,en
"You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine",0,en
I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges,1,en
Have a threesome is great with twins Until you realise one of them is male,0,en
Know what the one good thing about having Alzheimer's is? Know what the one good thing about having Alzheimer's is?,1,en
"A student asks his maths teacher.. Student:Do you believe in god? Teacher:Well,I believe in higher powers.",1,en
"I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me",0,en
why didn't the movie ticket get convicted of both of its crimes? it would only admit one .,0,en
teacher : what time do you get up in the morning? about an hour and a half after i arrived at school,1,en
What do you call an Extraterrestrial from Melbourne? An Australien.,1,en
"I finally got Tinder. and after a few matches, I was able to start a campfire",1,en
"a woman asks a famous man to give her a signature on her breast . the famous man says "" sorry, i don't know how to write that small . """,1,en
"Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.",0,en
It took me a long time to figure out how one could like EDM music. I didn't think Electrical Discharge Machining could even make music,1,en
what should you buy if your hair falls out? a good vacuum cleaner !,0,en
Where does Edgar Allen Poe get his mail? at his P.O. Box,0,en
What is the quietest place on Earth? The complaint department at a parachute packing company.,1,en
what do you call a piece of sandpaper in syria? a map .,1,en
America is converting to metric units. inch by inch,1,en
what do history teachers make when they want to get together? dates !,0,en
"to avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle .",1,en
How does a sailor suit? With a bowtie!,0,en
"Why did Spock dump his wife? ....because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so",0,en
"My daughter was acting bashful the other day.......... I asked her why and she said ""I don't like what you're feeding me"" So I bent her over.",1,en
"I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt. So, I made a move on her",1,en
What do you call a tire named after Ferris Bueller? A Ferris Wheel.,1,en
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now,0,en
I like my whamen like my carrot All orange and peeled up to be served,0,en
"If you wear a cape to a meal, you can spin it around to the front and have a full sized bib for eating",1,en
"whats in the middle of girl's leg? and the answer is , ' knee '",0,en
What do you call a tree that protects Gotham City? Spruce Wayne,1,en
Take me down to the paraphrase city. Where it's nice,0,en
"Two books arm wrestle. One ruptures is appendix, the other helps him rebind it",0,en
"the awkward moment when you've already said "" what? "" three times and still have no idea what the person said , so you just agree .",0,en
The Middle East made a remake of Dora the Explorer They call it 'Dora: The Exploder',1,en
"if you love something, let it go . unless that thing is a cat . your cat will not come back .",0,en
How do you describe eating just the right amount? Nom Nom Nominal,1,en
"my girlfriend folded the corner on a page of my new book, rather than use a bookmark. so i gently folded her credit card, until it snapped",1,en
Why do all hotdogs look the same? Because they are in bread,1,en
Q: How did the hermit pay for his home? A: Alone.,0,en
Cat Woman's real name is... ...Catherine Woman.,0,en
What do you call a machine that automatically paddles your boat? A row bot.,1,en
Girl adjusts her bra. And no one cares but when a guy adjusts his everybody loses their mind,1,en
"Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?",1,en
What do you call an Indonesian shoe factory that just had air conditioning installed? A sweatstop.,1,en
"My old physics professor: Times flies when you're having fun, Or as frogs say, times fun when you're having flies. That was a long semester",0,en
I protect my wife like treasure I hid the shovel and map,0,en
"You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school. ...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.",0,en
What's the safest font? Helmetica.,0,en
"A friend of mine asked me how he could become a more effective boss. I said, just change your name to Simon",0,en
"When a football player fumbles You could say he miscarried... When a girl miscarries, could you say she fumbled?",1,en
"do i at least get to yell "" jenga! "" if my life falls apart ?",1,en
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can't drive !,0,en
I have a step stool. I never knew my real stool,1,en
"i'm going to the hospital tomorrow threedots not because i'm sick, but because they have free pudding if you're fast enough .",0,en
"My wife was pissed when I slept through a burglary last night We got caught, and I woke up during mug shots.",1,en
sometimes words just aren't enough. and that's why we have middle fingers,1,en
I need to get baked. goods for the staff party this afternoon,0,en
me and snoop dog worked together. it was a joint project,1,en
"A friend of mine collects National Geographic magazines, he really has a lot of issues.",1,en
how do you get someone with downs syndrome out of a tree? wave at them .,0,en
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to? A millenial falcon,1,en
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called? Climax.,1,en
Synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make,1,en
"Beethoven asks his audience: ""Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!? "" The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: ""I can't hear you!""",1,en
"life is ironic. we spend so much money on expensive clothes , but the best moments in life are spent without them",1,en
"A man goes to a doctor. Doctor "" sir, you should not pick up any thing more then ten pounds for two weeks."" Man ""who is going to help me go pee?""",1,en
"""Talent imitates, but genius steals. "" bilbous",1,en
"JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.",1,en
why the new apple pencil isn't included with the new ipad pro. there is no point,0,en
Why did the guitar shop fail a fire safety inspection? No Stairway.,1,en
Why would you take a picture of your food? To remember your family.,0,en
"when your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law steve",0,en
The Medical Examiner Autopsy convention starts this week... Friday is open Mike night,1,en
"If the Narwhal bacons at midnight, what does it do at noon? It bakes off.",1,en
I call my broom 'Golden State.' It knows how to sweep.,1,en
why was the plumber stressed? he had a high pressure job,1,en
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch? An ingestigation,1,en
ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C:. ME: Get me your manager,0,en
How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice man practice. ,1,en
"how do you know if someone is half texan and half canadian? it rhymes when they say . "" keep at eye out for a coyote . """,1,en
what's a blind man doing on a boat? waiting for a bus .,0,en
what is the one thing batman and superman don't have to worry about? dad jokes .,1,en
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders who supported Atlas? His wife !,0,en
"What did the spice say when it was told it wasn't flavourful enough? ""Oh come on, I'm only cumin!"" I was so proud when I came up with this jewel.",1,en
What do you call a fat Rihanna? Arihanna Grande,0,en
"What do you call a puppy combined with bread? Well, It's not a purebread anymore.",1,en
"I'm like a reverse MacGyver. I can take a perfectly working item, step on it drunk, then turn it into dozens of unusable, meaningless parts",1,en
"I don't know if this is a good idea. Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea",0,en
Why aren't any of Joe Jacksons kids named Cancer? It's the only thing he didnt beat,0,en
How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson.,0,en
""" what attracted you to our company? "" well , i heard you pay money in exchange for work",1,en
"in my opinion, the most important part of any meal is the ingredients",1,en
"When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... ""What would Jesus do? "" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.",1,en
"after chuck norris eats a large meal, he literaly burns of the caleries",1,en
"They've announced the names for this year's hurricanes. Once again, no Kanye, Apple or Conan",0,en
"live a little , ask her "" are ya done? "" while she's still yelling at you .",1,en
What did the electrical engineer do when she found out that she hadn't won the lottery? She soldered on.,1,en
How do you get over a crush you've had since high school? Leave the dungeon door unlocked.,0,en
how do you know if a woman is hot for you? when you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse .,1,en
"What's three times worse than OCD? OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...",0,en
"this year for lent, i'm giving up",0,en
"What did Shakespeare say when Mr. Big proposed to him? ""Noth""",1,en
Why do all hotdogs look alike? Because they are in bread...,1,en
"when someone says "" women like you "" to me, i assume they're referring to extremely powerful wizards .",1,en
I once had a math test in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels,1,en
how does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity? it's his altar ego .,1,en
The joke's much better in german. Whats the difference between Michael Schuhmacher and a Anne Frank? The facial expression when confronted with full gas.,1,en
"MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much... GROUND CONTROL: She knows. MAJOR TOM: Wait... Is she with you now? GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.",0,en
how do stones stop moths eating your clothes? because rolling stones gather no moths !,1,en
"i may not be perfect, but at least i'm not fake .",0,en
Why should you never sit at the top deck of a double decker bus? Because there is no driver up there.,1,en
Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!,0,en
want to know why? or do you want to know z,0,en
i can't stand math teachers. they've got too many problems,1,en
What is big hairy and can fly faster than sound? King Koncord.,0,en
"What does a Reddit user say after detonating a bomb? Edit: This blew up! Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!",0,en
What did the Cobalt Tungsten say to the farmer? Iodine Molybdate,1,en
what kind of ring is the least exciting? a boring,0,en
I was doing a charity for the ants they seemed to can't find any food after a while the population grew I guessed they smelled where I buried the body,1,en
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it,0,en
"How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.",1,en
You have no idea how happy I get when phone rings and it's you. the microwave beeps and the food is ready,0,en
Life; It's all about finding the next good time.,0,en
"i was gonna make a justin bieber joke threedots but, sorry .",0,en
teacher : you're new here aren't you what's your name? pupil : fred mickey smith,0,en
"our team is doing so badly that "" manager of the month "" isn't an award. it's an appointment !",1,en
What is a wock? Something you throw a wabbits.,1,en
"Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode really...",0,en
Why was the women unable to leave the boutique? She couldn't find the Dior,1,en
"if there's one thing that i've learned it's, that i should have learned way more than one thing .",0,en
i have a moving image of jesus on my pc monitor. i guess you could say it's my screen saviour,0,en
Things kids have in common with clothes Put a burning iron to them and they straighten out. Also got some hanging in my backyard. ,1,en
What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.,1,en
"I've always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali's hand Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.",1,en
"Husband wanted me to go hunting today. He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute",0,en
my goal in life is to get my face on a coin. that way i can be the change i wish to see in the world,1,en
"I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.",1,en
Why was the Stormtrooper so sad when his Jedi friend left? He always misses him.,0,en
"when you're feeling down, just remember threedots you've accomplished more than steve jobs this year .",0,en
"i have two boyfriends! well , i'm dating two men okay . ben and i are just friends same with jerry fine . i have ice cream . but it's love .",0,en
"roses are red , my real name is dave. this poem makes no sense , microwave",0,en
jury : twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. justice : a decision in your favor,1,en
"the cow says "" moo "", the horse says "" neigh "" threedots the dog says "" that person threedots edward threedots """,1,en
"I was born caesarean. You can't really tell, although, whenever I leave the house I go out through the window",1,en
"this one is a bit tasteless , so be warned. water",0,en
What is another name for Shriners hospital commercials? Veggie tales,1,en
"If school had loading screens, the tip below it would say ""Only move when the enemy is reloading.""",1,en
"your husband's super cute, is he single ?",0,en
"a soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. just give it a minute , this has never happened to it before",0,en
"Once, my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles...  For days, he kept leaving little messages around the house...",1,en
"i worked at a restaurant it didn't pay much, but at least it put food on the table .",1,en
"G.O.T. joke: ""What's better than a Grape, Robb? "" ""A Raisin, Bran.",1,en
What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe? Vault Disney,0,en
How often do I see alligators? Ocajunally,1,en
"My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you're wondering why your screen just went blank.",0,en
Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box? Its was too falcon heavy I'm sorry,0,en
Which film star is always jumping around the forest? John Treevaulter.,0,en
Intellectual. A man who can explain electricity but doesn't know how to screw in a light bulb,1,en
How do you know when to take a miscarriage out of the oven? Wait until the mother stops screaming. ,0,en
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make when they fly over my head,1,en
i can guess what state you are from with a single question! what state are you from ?,0,en
"ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film HIPSTER: I preferred the original M: Original? What original? H: Nosfera One.",1,en
I was going to make an April Fools joke But that was so yesterday,0,en
"Had a little dog named Mustard, he didn't relish me so he ran away. I couldn't catch up",0,en
"Once I had completed my final exam, my professor told me to turn it in to one of the teaching assistants. Good thing I have been practicing my origami",1,en
how is it that photons travel so fast? they are light .,1,en
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has it's pros and Khans,1,en
What does a virus call a cluster of stars and gas? Nebola,1,en
"no matter who you are or where you come from, all anybody wants in this life is for no one to object to their itunes mix playing at a party .",1,en
"The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children: ""Please, God, let that be chocolate.""",1,en
My Asian mom told me to stop playing with my food We were at the pound,1,en
How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses? Instagran,1,en
What happens to a bacteria when he travels from his home colony to another? He experiences culture shock.,1,en
What kind of bird flies around bays? Bagles,1,en
"If you're not part of the solution, I think. well, technically, that makes you insoluble sediment",1,en
That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine....imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he,0,en
what's the difference between a politician and a computer? logic,0,en
"i just ran out of tissues threedots lately, it's been coming in handy",0,en
what did the organic chemist use tinder for? carbon dating .,1,en
"since yesterday was the national day of prayer, today must be the national day of disappointment .",1,en
"When a soldier goes sentimental, his favorite band will be Guns'N'Roses.",1,en
Are you a work of art? Because it looks like Picasso painted you.,0,en
"what i do in my bedroom is my business, what i do in your bedroom ok i guess that's your business",0,en
How does a Flat Earther travel the world? on a plane,1,en
"i like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer .",1,en
"a man asked his mother "" how will i ever find the right woman? "" she replied "" forget finding the right woman , focus on being the right man . """,1,en
I m married a girl with acute angina. After a couple of kids it was gone,0,en
came up with this as a kid why'd the dog sit in the shade? he didn't want to be a hot dog !,0,en
Why was Jered Fogle always late? He kept getting a little behind.,0,en
how do you tell a good joke on reddit? wash it up over and over again until you get gold !,0,en
Why are broken vibrators so rare? Because they are hard to come by.,1,en
You know what I love about cafeterias? Everything they serve is an entree. WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB,1,en
what steps should you take if you see a dangerous animal on your travels? very large ones .,1,en
What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!,1,en
What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work? The aftermath,1,en
What's a polar bears favourite pasta? Penguini!,0,en
What is Pitbull's favorite restaurant? Jason's Dale!,0,en
I tried wrapping Christmas presents. But I just didn't have the gift,1,en
What did the Native American pirate say when asked his heritage? Arrrrrr Metis!,1,en
did you hear that robert plant got in a car wreck? now he's robert vegetable .,0,en
"tell someone, "" you wore that shirt the day after yesterday "" and see how long it takes them to get it .",1,en
What is the driest soda you can buy? Baking soda.,0,en
What do you find in an elephants graveyard? Elephantoms !,0,en
what part of canada do the inuit control? nunavut .,1,en
"Called the front desk of our motel and told him ""I've gotta leak in the sink."" He said ""That's OK, just rinse it out when you're done.""",1,en
q : what do you get when you cross a pond and a stream? a : wet feet .,0,en
what is the bees favourite film? the sting !,0,en
"I'm sick and tired of people knocking on my door asking for donations. Had a woman from the sperm bank stop by. Man, did I give her a mouthful.",0,en
"The told me if i get a vasectomy, I wont have any kids... Just got back home from the hospital and they are still here...",0,en
why do pencils shave? to look sharp,1,en
"Sad to think this is the tallest I'll ever be, barring some kind of awesome mutation.",1,en
I was getting the kids out of the bath last night when a complete stranger burst through the door. I swear I've never moved faster down a drainpipe,0,en
"The bailiffs came to evict illegal occupants of the house, but it was not possible, as in fact they were ten ants.",1,en
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day,1,en
"What is similar between Spain, Ireland, and the United States? Their economies falter after a popping of a housing bubble.",1,en
Did you hear about the salad who went missing? All they found were its chard romaines,1,en
What instrument was the predecessor to the tuba? The oneba,1,en
What do you call a guy who peeps his peeps? A homeboyeur.,1,en
What did Thor say to the weaver fixing his cape? What are your Hemsworth,1,en
remember: it's not stalking if you don't see me .,0,en
you're spending a lot of time at that computer screen . have you had your eyes checked? no they've always been blue !,0,en
What do you call a gambling city in Mexico? Monte Carlos,1,en
What do you get it you cross a porcupine with a giraffe? A long necked toothbrush.,1,en
"What did Whitney Houston's coroner say as he unbuckled his belt? It's not right, but it's OK",1,en
You know what's a good joke? The CSS of this subreddit,0,en
What do you call the ghost of a reindeer that loves you? Caribou,1,en
Whats the national bird of Nigeria? A mosquito,1,en
"A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.",1,en
"""Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker."" ""Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker? "" ""Seems fine.""",0,en
Reddit users love reading the same thing again and again. Here's proof,0,en
I was born with a club foot... TIL that the famous ancient Egyptian boy king also had club feet. So I guess we have that in Tutankhamen,1,en
"how do you take the letter "" f "" out of the word "" way ""? there is no f in way",1,en
How does a Xenomorph reveal its sexuality to friends and family? At night. Mostly.,1,en
"my girlfriend turned to me and said "" dave , i think we've come to the end of the road . "" "" why? "" i said , shocked . "" we're in a lake . """,0,en
"""Unhand me you cad! "" I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I've only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.",1,en
"What do the African nations Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Mozambique, Zambia, and Swaziland have in common? A lot of da Z's.",1,en
What's a feminists favorite childhood book? Moby Dick.,0,en
"how do you tell if somebody doesn't have a smartphone? just wait , they'll tell you .",0,en
What did the earwig say as it fell down the stairs? Ear we go !,0,en
"I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria. Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.",0,en
"Hey, did you hear about the road paver who got fired? He couldn't even.",0,en
Why do some people dislike twitch chat? It's just not their Kappa tea,1,en
why are the old trees always yelling? they were all petrified .,1,en
"welcome to earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything .",0,en
"Virgin mobile employee asked when imma pay the bill and I said ""I'll pay when Lebron's hairline stops receding. "" I got sent to collections",1,en
"Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.",1,en
"i recently switched over to cinnamon flavored toothpaste so when i do brush my teeth, i can't tell how much my gums are bleeding .",1,en
Lots of people love Robin Williams because he's a HIP person Hanging In Piece,1,en
What do sound engineers say when they leave? Audios,1,en
Now if they could just make PokemonStop.. I could sit and actually enjoy this game! In playin pokemon Yellow right now ; p,0,en
Have you ever try ethiopan food? Neither have they ..,1,en
is the eu working out? it lost a few pounds this summer .,0,en
What's the most cleanest animal on the planet? A Hygiena.,1,en
if i had a penny for every time someone gave me their dog to look after. i'd have a pound,1,en
doctor doctor i keep thinking i'm god when did this start? well first i created the sun then the earth threedots,0,en
TL; DR: Action hero references Oedipus Die Hard's John McClane and his catchphrase . . .,1,en
I've got loads of jokes about undelivered letters. But people just don't get them,1,en
how to you read a book? just reddit .,0,en
what are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner? breakfast and lunch . i'll show myself out now,0,en
What's a German favorite song Hey jude,0,en
"What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad? ""Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter""",0,en
kobe bryant got fried in that crash guess we should call him kobe fryant now.,0,en
"I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.",0,en
"Jurassic World was fantastic movie. In fact you could say, they ""spared no expense""",1,en
Have you heard of that movie Gravity? I heard it was... full of suspense,0,en
Are you aware of the person who was loved by many as an adult but hated by many as a child? Jesus,0,en
what do pirates and strip clubs have in common? neither can get enough booty,1,en
Why did Vladimir fall off his bike? He was rushin,0,en
What is the ardent task of searching for a new wallpaper called? Running a Backgroud Check.,0,en
have you heard the story about the loaf of bread? no . oh crumbs .,0,en
What is the difference between my uncle and the priest on Sunday My uncle didn't believe in God when he came in the church,1,en
Somebody won't be taking the stairway to heaven today Here's To hoping they have elevators,0,en
"""I'm going to France next summer."" ""Oh, really? "" ""No, De Gaulle.""",0,en
I make profit selling on goods matching muslim needs. Business is booming!,1,en
"breakup my girlfriend told me she was breaking up with me over the phone yesterday, i don't know why i could hear her just fine on my side .",1,en
"I was a baker when I was in the army. When I went to war, I went in all buns glazing",1,en
"Snape: ""I think the Dark Lord has returned."" Potter: ""Are you serious? "" Snape: ""No, I'm Severus.""",1,en
What so you call a letter with no friends? Post Alone,0,en
Why do people wear glasses when they sleep? So that they can see their dreams.,1,en
What do you call Dubstep on a Mac? iDropIt,0,en
What's the difference between my dog and the sink? I don't pee in the sink.,0,en
What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear? Boulangerie.,1,en
what's the leading cause of death among wizards? staff infection,0,en
i've developed an app for dating children nearby. it's called kinder,1,en
"Why are fisherman so successful in business? Because they use ""net"" profits",1,en
how do you get rid of an itch? start from scratch .,0,en
Little known fact: most shepards have NO idea how many sheep are in their flock. Every time they try to count them,1,en
How do werewolves mark their territory? Lycanthropee,1,en
You know what's the first battle royale to ever exist? People trying to survive at Titanic,0,en
enough is enough! no like seriously they're the same word .,0,en
I learned how to talk to animals today. Now they just have to learn to listen,0,en
Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love,1,en
What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out? He took the knight off.,1,en
did you hear about the german doing an impression at the talent show? he did the wurst .,1,en
"Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life",0,en
What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner? A charmer farmer!,0,en
going fishing with my mates who all have the flu. i hope i catch something !,0,en
What kind of container is appropriate for noble gases? An innertube.,1,en
What did Jesus say to his mom when he was on the cross? Look ma! No hands!,0,en
What do you call a fist fight at noon? A lunchbox,1,en
Who sang at the funeral of those who died in a railroads arson? Adele. Some one set fire to the train,1,en
What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field? amaized.,1,en
How did Harry get it in Ron's sweet Diagon Alley? A lubricantation.,0,en
"You have so much potential But no kinetic energy, therefore you will never go anywhere in life.",0,en
"Did you hear the joke about the guy who shined a light at his shadow? It starts off dark, but the ending is bright.",0,en
"me : do you like the new ceiling fan? her : yeah , but the fan light is really dull . fan light : ok wow like i'm right here",0,en
"Cashier: Hello Me: Is it me your looking for... I can see it in your eyes.. Cashier:... Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.",0,en
"Mohamed pulled out his strange calculator in class, lets just say they had a blast",0,en
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You're either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down,1,en
"babies love to shake things , but hate to be shaken. it's like , pick a side , babies",1,en
"atlantis in the bathroom ??? In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.",1,en
What do Mahatma Gandhi and a supernova have in common They both went down with a bang!,1,en
Stop telling me it's July It's getting annoying,0,en
"Mom, can I get a dog for Christmas! No, You'll be getting turkey like every year",0,en
"I'm quitting modelling, I need more job security so I'm going to become a princess.",1,en
Why is the news so boring in the summer? There aren't any school shootings.,1,en
Why did the man's kidneys fail? They didn't study.,1,en
Ronda Rousey says she contemplated suicide. Holly Holm declined the rematch though,1,en
"if cats could text you back, they wouldn't .",1,en
What do you call a mobile homes for rabbits? Wheelburrows!,1,en
"My dad smeared glue all over his Uzi, and he say's his Glock is next. He can't be talked out of it. He's sticking to his guns.",1,en
what do you call a wolf with stockholm syndrome? a dog .,1,en
where does dragon milk come from? a cow with short legs .,1,en
If a man uses pickup lines on a girl. Would you call it Clitbait,1,en
How does Jesus indulge in self love? He gets his nails done!,0,en
"When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyonce Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She'd just show up one day like ""I work here now.""",1,en
why do vegetarian chefs type with their feet? because they have great toe fu .,1,en
What is teen pop? Jared's favorite music genre.,1,en
a girl at my work is going to be having a baby. i haven't decided which one yet though,1,en
"what does monica lewinsky say to call her dog over? "" come , spot ! """,1,en
"dear religion , pics or it didn't happen. love , science",0,en
"all night long i dreamed that i was a pumpkin. when i woke up , my sister was pregnant",0,en
What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.,0,en
why was the baby ant so confused? because all of his uncles were ants !,0,en
"the missus accused me of being far too competitive ! i said ' i'm not !, and i'll be the first to admit that ' .",1,en
"should have been called "" star wars: the missing force kin "" because it's all about looking for her jedi brother .",1,en
Waxing. It's not a cure for lycanthropy,1,en
"i'm lactose intolerant, which means i rarely find missing children .",1,en
"I'd like your advice on this, as long as it agrees with what I already did",0,en
Did you know Yao Ming had a dog? He had a dog before every NBA game.,1,en
"dear youtube : please just assume that i'd like to "" skip ad "". you don't need to ask anymore",0,en
what does a cat like to eat on his birthday? mice cream and cake !,0,en
This joke is like a Veitnamese factory worker It makes no cents,1,en
Job hunting tip: Leave the facial piercings at home. Hard to get hired when you look like you fell down a flight of stairs with a tackle box,1,en
...which is why I... ...start sentences in the middle.,1,en
What's the difference between a grape and someone in the Brazilian free healthcare surgery queue? The grape actually gets the surgery,1,en
Question: What do you say if you want someone to hold the lift? Ans: Hodor,1,en
"i'm bored i think i'll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on .",1,en
"A man is like a spider. when he is on the web, he is bound to get his hands sticky",1,en
Why does the Fonz dress up as an insect when going on a journey? Because he wants to get from ayy to bee.,1,en
This book on beating gravity is great. I can't put it down!,0,en
What was XXXTentacion's biggest contribution to his community? His death.,0,en
seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my grandpa. he died falling out of a tree too,1,en
How do spies eat their waffles? Syruptitiously!,1,en
I once beat cream depressingly with a fork. No whisk no fun.,0,en
"people say eye contact is important when flirting, but when i put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it .",1,en
"Anonymous gets Alzheimer's They sign off: We are Anonymous, we are a legion, we do not forgive, we do not....",1,en
"If all of Ireland sank, what part of it wouldn't? County Cork",1,en
Why Was Jill upest about the new iphone? because there was no jack.,0,en
sorry the edible underwear weren't edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. it was a long drive to your apartment,1,en
You ever notice when it comes to blow up dolls. They're always so surprised to see us,1,en
what do you call a dog with lice in china? full course dinner,1,en
where are people in dallas staying to avoid getting ebola? the cowboys stadium . because they can't catch anything there .,1,en
did you hear the elephants at the circus are going on strike? they're tired of working for peanuts .,1,en
"The hairdresser asked me how I wear my hair. I said, ""Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava.""",1,en
civil war spoiler: a lot of people in the south still don't know they lost .,1,en
"I had a dream where I was in a fight with Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Private Ryan. I'm finally battling my Damons",0,en
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive,0,en
Did you hear about the red luxury cruise liner that collided with the blue luxury cruise liner? The passengers and crew were marooned.,1,en
Why was the Redditors jokes so unoriginal? Because he Reddit off the internet.,1,en
"Sorry I'm late, my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here.",0,en
"Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he ""couldn't find a shingle person to do it.""",1,en
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night? Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.,0,en
"I would like to learn more about frequencies But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz",1,en
What do geological plates and dinner plates have in common? They're both pieces of china.,1,en
What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a Sperm Whale Nothing.,0,en
"i asked my phone what its favorite joke was : what did cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time? "" one day my prints will come . """,1,en
"I work in food service. .. We've cooked so many passover meals, it's like everyone is afraid of ovens.",1,en
Two individuals decide to spend Ramadan together. They were fast friends,1,en
I'm not really a big fan of boat puns But frigate,1,en
What do Buddhists eat to help keep themselves balanced both physically and spiritually? Cottage chi,1,en
What is Carrie Fisher's favorite snack? Frito Leah's,0,en
Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes. Typical woman,1,en
Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.,1,en
My money box is empty. No change there,0,en
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.,0,en
I wanted to be a sky diving instructor. But it's not the kind of job you just fall in to,1,en
"I present to you the world's shortest poem, entitled ""Fleas"". Adam had'em",1,en
"Every time I eat eggs benedict I'm reminded of my time in the Netherlands. You know, my Holland days.",0,en
"apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house .",1,en
Plz like me want the good krmr Plz me wont karmer ,0,en
My friend gave me a free dvd. but it's only Chinatown,0,en
q : what did the judge say about the man shot twelve times by the police? a : the most horrific suicide scenario i have ever heard of .,0,en
"so the new ghostbusters took a trip to the hospital recently and i.m over here like 'ladies, you have to wait.'",0,en
Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter. I've fallen on some hard Times,1,en
When you are getting Old. You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there,1,en
"sorry ! just saw these texts now ! hope your birthday party, christmas and wedding were great !",0,en
How did the pharaoh get so rich? He was running a huge pyramid scheme.,1,en
"stop calling hurricanes names, you're just giving them the attention that they want",1,en
why was the ocean embarrassed? because all the fish could see his bottom .,1,en
Where does a mathematician go when he gets hurt? L'Hospital.,0,en
Never go to bed angry. Sleep on the couch,0,en
I bet you didn't know... That I can lift weights over my head while vacuuming. It may not sound like much but that's my clean joke.,0,en
Who is Ed McMahon's favorite Japanese Filmmaker? Hiyooooo Miyazaki.,0,en
what did the terrorist say when he woke up? it was allah dream .,1,en
a billionaire has a billion dollars . a millionaire has a million dollars . what do you call a person with ten dollars? a college student .,1,en
do you know what the worst thing about an owl is? they maintain eye contact when you microwave them,1,en
my walls are closing in . crawling in my skin my cell walls are closing in? help !,0,en
Stephan hawking liked every type of comedy except for one Stand up,1,en
"My Friend Failed Astronomy. I failed too, if it's any constellation",1,en
Why do lambs go to casinos? They love to gambol.,1,en
Why didn't Gordon Ramsay like the Girl Scout cream pies? He found a hair in one.,0,en
The distance this fish swam. Is a SCALER not a vector,1,en
"how does a poor man watch tv? with binoculars . u know , he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching .",0,en
"If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their ""mental status"" in addition to each new status update.",1,en
Most people celebrate columbine with their families I celebrate it with my school,1,en
"Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe",1,en
I told my dentist to make my teeth whiter. so he named them Logan and moved them to a gated community,1,en
Whats the similarities between my dad and a Nintendo cartridge? He makes me blow it before he puts it in.,0,en
"If you throw away an ice sculpture, is it justice?",0,en
There are two things that gals can never keep low enough.. Their weight and their voices. ,0,en
What's the name of Tyler The Creator's dad? The Tyler Creator,0,en
I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography. It was base on a true story,1,en
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken? Enough drumsticks to feed an army !,0,en
"Everything is made in China. Except for babies, they are made in vachina",1,en
"Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying ""My, uh... friend said...""",1,en
"Two people were kissing. After the kiss the guy says "" thanks for the bubblegum"" And the girl says "" oops!!! I have cough""",1,en
"I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake",1,en
How did Charles Darwin die? Natural causes.,1,en
"when two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest , what did he say? "" hold on , let me get my bear rings . """,1,en
Hollywood hasn't remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they're okay,0,en
What is the definition of suspicion? A nun doing push ups in a cucumber field.,1,en
"At this point, the only reason I still get The New Yorker is to impress my mailman.",1,en
"good thing it's valentines day, cause i woke up with a massive heart on !",0,en
When the cancer patient asks you How's my hairstyle?,1,en
How many Android users does it take to buy an iPhone? Zero. Apple doesn't accept EBT.,0,en
Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine? He doesn't like to be left hanging.,0,en
Which is the national dish of Somalia? An empty plate,1,en
"If I was a quotation mark, I'd be a single quotation mark.",1,en
what is zero in roman numerals? nothing,1,en
q : why must judges learn to spell well? a : they must follow the letter of the law .,0,en
"What does elsa say when she sees you are getting hard? Let it grow, let it grow Can't hold it back anymore Let it grow, let it grow",0,en
"Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.",1,en
An jihidist walks into a club. on a Tuesday,1,en
"I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary",1,en
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing?? What about that really cool hashtag we made? They didn't free them when they saw it??,0,en
What do you call a place with lots of water? Africant,1,en
"i'd totally date you, but complaining about being single is kind of my thing and i don't really want to lose that .",0,en
what happens when jack is angry with his beans? jack and the beans talk,0,en
There are two types of people in this world Male and Female ,1,en
What is Hope? An imaginarily imagined imagination.,1,en
"former boy scout leader goes shopping a former boy scout leader goes shopping . he sits down and grabs his beef jerky . "" tastes like boy scouts, "" he says .",1,en
"it makes sense to buy automatic cars, because they cost an arm and a leg .",1,en
what's the similarity between chris brown being released and pokemon go being released? an increase in battery cases .,0,en
"Motorcycles, more like donor cycles.",1,en
"Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito? Me: In Alabama? S: Yeah. M: Of course not. Why do you ask? S: Mom said he was the product of insects.",0,en
what's the top song by the vietnamese beatles? rice fields forever .,1,en
boss : you're late ! you shoulda been here two hours ago ! me : why? what happened two hours ago,0,en
"My boyfriend isn't allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex's there...",0,en
i've been working out at starbucks lately. hitting the french press,0,en
Why hasn't Logan Paul hung himself yet? If he does he won't be able to end the recording and upload the video.,0,en
"me : "" can i have a few extra days off before christmas ? "" boss : "" it's may. "" me : "" sorry , may i have a few days off before christmas ? """,0,en
"i got really hungry when we visited the alpaca farm, next time alpaca lunch .",0,en
"A growing number of parents are trying to force feed their children. Experts can offer no explanation. Citing, ""Even Master Jedi use spoons.""",1,en
What do you say to an overworked clothing maker? You seamstressed.,1,en
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics? Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport,0,en
I believe it was Alexander Graham Bell that once said. How did you get this number,0,en
"What goes ""snap crackle and pop""? A firefly with a short circuit !",1,en
Whitney Houston to star in her new film.  The Bodybag.,1,en
Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked? Because Jesus WEPt.,0,en
What do a subtraction expert and a virgin have in common. Neither of which can get sum!,1,en
What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops? Demeter.,1,en
"to find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it .",0,en
"All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?",1,en
questions we just don't answer when kids ask: where do babies come from ? is santa real ? what was myspace ?,1,en
How do fireflies start a race? Ready steady glow !,0,en
"Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering ""...it would be so easy...""",0,en
"I told my wife I didn't want to watch Kevin Heart's Seriously Funny because he is a sellout ""Not compared to Kevin Durant! "" She laughed. True story.",0,en
Where do mathematicians go to gamble? Sine city,1,en
what do you call a man who can't stop stealing? nick .,0,en
Hey....take a look at this... This is top secret. This is bottom secret.,0,en
My friend asked me if he'd ever gotten milk from the same cow twice That's what breastfeeding is,1,en
"There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.",1,en
Some guy said I was being pithy. turns out he had a lisp,0,en
Why did Stephen Hawking live for so long after he was diagnosed with MND? He turned on Power Saver mode,0,en
Why are cars good cleaners Because they go broom broom,1,en
"instead of an accountant , hire a philosopher to do your taxes. it's the thought that counts",1,en
"If asked at a job interview ""what's your biggest weakness"", test their tolerance for honesty by replying ""mortality""",1,en
What do you call a musical instrument made of gelatin? A jello!,1,en
q . what has one horn and gives milk? a a milk truck .,0,en
did you hear about the guy who thought he saw a fog? apparently he was mistaken,1,en
"if you buy organic and don't tell someone about it, is it still organic ?",0,en
I smoked meat yesterday. I think that's how I got salmonella,1,en
today i was told a question is a great way to start a conversation. what do you think ?,1,en
How do epileptics keep fit? With strobe lights.,1,en
what is the cheapest part of a boat? the part with the sail in it .,0,en
what's long and hard every time you wake up? getting out of bed . you never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to .,0,en
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts,1,en
"""Live this Friday like it was your last. "" The Mayans",1,en
"I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats, although Memory's a lot shorter",1,en
"In Catholicism, souls have mass.",1,en
I only stop browsing Reddit when I accidentally hit something. or when it's time to wipe,0,en
My pot accidentally got mixed in with my pasta noodles. Ended up with baked ziti,0,en
"The best things in life come in pairs. For example, priests come in children.",1,en
How are Stephen Hawking and Amy Schumer related? They are both unable to do stand up commedy,1,en
"Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear? It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear",1,en
What is a vegetable's favorite martial art? He can't do martial art because he is paralyzed tip to toe.,1,en
What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? A tale of whoa!,0,en
I went to South America and bought some frozen peppers. Chile's chilly chilis,1,en
I used to love women Before they were people,0,en
"I think I figured out why Al Gore thought he invented the internet. He just misheard the word ""algorithm""",1,en
Even reddit goes down more often. than my girlfriend,0,en
At the planetarium with my family. I think my wife was surprised to discover she's not the center of the universe,1,en
What do you call a pop star that marries Rowan Atkinson? Avril Labean,1,en
What do you call a water gun that gets people really excited? A super stoaker,1,en
what do you call a female manager? miss . management .,1,en
any one remembers ' the game '? now i'll fly away .,0,en
My sister wants me to read The Woman Who Thinks Told her I didn't like science fiction,1,en
"nice try "" enjoy by "" date on bag of broccoli, nice try .",0,en
what is green and has cake? grass . the cake is a lie .,0,en
"Whenever I see a car with an ""Italia"" bumper sticker on it, I always write ""Gen"" in front of it because I'm an adult.",1,en
I wanted to tell a Lord of the Rings joke. but all the good ones Aragorn,0,en
"Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery. Doc: Me too!!",0,en
What is Walt Jr.'s favorite movie? The Breakfast Club.,0,en
I bet i can tell you where you got your shoes. You got'em on your feet,0,en
"Changed ex's name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn't show up when he texts",0,en
I decided to see what it was like to live as a woman. So I sewed all the pockets of my jeans shut. EDIT: Corrected spelling.,0,en
"honey , i let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me . you think i want to look like this? i do this for you .",0,en
"""Ma'am, please stow your laptop prior to takeoff."" ""This is my Emotional Support Computer.""",0,en
"Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.",1,en
i just met the girl of my dreams. i forgot about her just a few minutes after i saw her,0,en
"Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....",0,en
all my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. i had money to blow,1,en
Blind people are really empathetic They feel everything,1,en
"Under the sea, under the sea. wouldn't the water pressure crush mermaids, realistically",0,en
"Why did the ""Ringling Bros."" Circus finally go out of business? They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.",1,en
What did the lieutenant vulture say to the enlisted vultures who stopped eating a dead cow to salute? Carrion.,1,en
"what's the difference between a viola and a coffin? with a coffin , the dead person is on the inside .",0,en
what do you get when you combine someone from colorado and someone from idaho? a baked potato,1,en
"if you leave your house with one leg, that's going out on a limb .",1,en
How do you tie your shoes in space? With astronauts ,1,en
what is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison? one can't see to go the other can't go to sea .,0,en
What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen.,1,en
"my daughter refuses to play with her ouija board anymore because every time we play, it spells out clean your room .",1,en
what was the former name of captain hook? captain hand,0,en
I used to be a hesitant hugger. But I've learned to embrace it,1,en
What place has more food than a food pantry? A graveyard,1,en
What happens to someone who gets attacked by bees? They get bee'd up,1,en
Why did Napoleon's soldiers wear red buttons on their blue jackets during the battle of Waterloo? ... so that they could close their jackets.,1,en
"Why do Catholic priests always wear robes? To get serviced, while giving the service",1,en
"""yer a magician, harry"" hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy",0,en
I'm currently trying to remove all Cancers. Then I'll move on to Virgos,0,en
"Have you heard about that new David Beckham film called ""Into The Unknown""? It's about his visit to a library.",1,en
"Apparently the work appropriate response to the question ""What do you think about euthanasia?"" isn't ""Like, voluntary?""",1,en
""" why did you dry these grapes? "" "" no raisin """,1,en
i had to fire my receptionist today. there was just no connection,0,en
Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You? Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I'm singing it won't hold me.,0,en
I dunno why people are getting so excited about the black hole picture Blacked.com has been around for quite a while.,0,en
UPDATE: NEW SUB Can we have an offical new sub list ?,0,en
I invented a motorized walking stick. I call it the hurrycane,1,en
thought of a chuck norris joke today. this user no longer exists,0,en
"My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it's less cute when you realize it's all just bird murder practice.",1,en
my bra has felt way too tight all day. sorry i just had to get that off my chest,0,en
""" let it go "" performed by rose and jack from titanic. mostly by rose , though",1,en
"""Chewing"" and ""eating"" are very similar things. But ""getting chewed out"" and ""getting eaten out"" are very different",1,en
"A lady friend asked me back to her place to chat about conspiracy theories. Orwell, you know",0,en
What's common between Vice City and Kobe Bryant? The helicopter mission.,0,en
do i look like a fan to you? because you seem so much cooler when i'm around .,1,en
whoa . there are books on tape? now i can stop reading while i drive . this is gonna save so many lives .,0,en
Why is it called a Mango? Because Mancome wasn't selling,1,en
"you've heard of "" helicopter parents "" but i had a "" boomerang father "". he was meant to come back but he never did",1,en
i had an idea for a hot air balloon underwear company. i couldn't get it off the ground,1,en
"boss : why is there an olive in your water ? me : what water ? oh yeah this, this is definitely water .",0,en
"All dates are 'blind dates. ' The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight",1,en
Why did the guy wear sweatpants to his prom? Strictly Ballroom.,1,en
"What did Michael J. Fox's dad say when Michael J. Fox tried to parallel park? ""Watch the Parking son.""",1,en
What's similar between a thong and the American health care system? They don't cover what actually needs to be covered.,1,en
What cereal do autistic people eat Special k,1,en
"What do you here when Mickey and Minnie are doing it? Squeak, Squeak, Squeak",0,en
what did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish? cod dam,1,en
"Movie pitch: Millenials buy a house that turns out to be haunted, but they're just grateful they were able to afford something in a good school district.",1,en
"sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend .",1,en
Why do male deer have an overbite? They have buck teeth.,1,en
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I'm not committed to it actually happening.,0,en
Why did the Little Mermaid run away with the fisherman? He had allure.,0,en
"it seems like every time i consider arson, the price of gas goes up .",1,en
"Just been reading how more people die from choking on sweets' packaging than the sweets themselves. Gums don't kill people, wrappers do",1,en
"I asked my friend if it was intended for him to cheese the pizza joke. ""Nope Unintended""",0,en
What's similar between an angry cow and one of the most easily detected leptonic decay channels of the z boson? They've both got a muon!,0,en
"So glad Facebook has changed the layout again. Said no one, ever",0,en
"My newest million dollar idea involves crowdsourcing. So, who has a million dollar idea for me?",0,en
I slept so good last night. It was like I was on a date with Bill Cosby,0,en
How does software eat it's food? By taking large bytes!,1,en
"SpongeBob Wait, I just realised something. SpongeBob lives in bikini bottom, and he's absorbent: oh no",0,en
"my wife's safe word: "" not tonight """,1,en
When does a strip poker game start getting good? When somebody's got a big pair showin,1,en
"Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children. Whoops, wrong thread",0,en
"I'm never buying a fish fryer from Linkin Park ever again. I fried so hard, and got sole far, but in the end it doesn't even batter!",0,en
what do you do if you lose all the information on your computer? ask the nsa for a backup .,0,en
"Why is testing products on animals a bad idea? Because some companies produce beauty products, and some produce construction tools.",1,en
"My kids operate the house under the HYDRA principle For every light I turn off, three more get turned on to take their place.",1,en
"What do you say when a truck drives into a larger group of people? ""That's very Nice""",1,en
"sometimes i think my dog is only interested in food , then i realise that's mostly all i'm interested in as well. he's alright",1,en
What is the most important factor in China's future? Euthanasia.,1,en
""" dad , why is my picture on that milk carton? "" "" well , son , i guess it's time that i tell you the truth . you were adopted threedots from a dairy . """,1,en
What's the main use of leather in the world? Holding cows together,1,en
my girlfriend is getting pretty angry that i never put the toilet seat down! to be fair i am getting tired of carrying it around,1,en
you want people to leave you alone? carry a clip board and try to make eye contact .,0,en
What do you call a blonde in the freezer? Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. ,1,en
"when i'd go to clubs , i spent half the time texting people who weren't there. eventually i realized i could just send those texts from home",1,en
what do you call five blondes in a pool? air bubbles .,1,en
What is the difference between reindeer and caribou? Reindeer are the ones that fly.,1,en
The last person who bought golden oreos at my Neighborhood's Walgreens and realized there was an entire row missing. I'm so sorry,1,en
"Who would win in a fight, Michael J. Fox or Taylor Swift? Michael J. Fox; he would just shake it off.",0,en
How do you know a guitarist is sad? They start to fret.,1,en
"you know what's odd about those girls at starbucks? they , like , literally can't , even .",1,en
"my father used to say "" take everything with a pinch of salt "" nice man. made terrible tea",1,en
why did the football player laugh when he broke his arm? because it was humerus .,1,en
i don't believe that twitter is the place for arguments. we all have family for that threedots,0,en
"What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her? ...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!",0,en
A man was found not guilty after a canine unit found no trace of his smell at the crime scene. He was in no scent.,1,en
What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on? Vacation.,1,en
"We were all just tucking into the chicken at the dinner party . Then i piped up with the line of ""If we're all here , where's Madeline?""",1,en
"The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on a prenutshell agreement.",1,en
"As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won't activate the touch screen, I'm long gone",1,en
I went out last night with a group of enthusiastic weavers. Unfortunately they had to rush off to meet a looming deadline,1,en
My wife just pushed out our third baby. Took us ages to build that raft.,0,en
"I have this wart. I didn't like it at first, but it grew on me",1,en
Why was Noah such a compelling character? He had a good ark.,1,en
Sad news about the Michelin Man. He's retyred,1,en
Did you want to row or paddle? Either oar...,1,en
i'm having a hard time deciding which pillow i should buy. i'm going to sleep on it,1,en
i heard women love a man in uniform. can't wait to start working at mcdonalds,1,en
What is today's best punch line? Paul christoforo,0,en
What's the great thing about unvaccinated children? The long healthy life Don't get it? Neither do the children,1,en
CONSERVE ENERGY: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?,0,en
i'm trying to raise a horse but she has insomnia. it's a nightmare,0,en
This Halloween on the East Coast I heard a lot of people are going to be the Scorpions this Halloween. Because we're gonna get rocked like a hurricane,0,en
"Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people, but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.",0,en
"I'm pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday. I should probably ""unblock"" them and check",0,en
"I tried ballet, but I never got the pointe.",1,en
I broke my can opener.... .... I guess it was a can't opener. Source: happened when I tried to open a can of soup this morning.,0,en
my friend just just dumped a funeral director she was dating. she said he was a real stiff,1,en
"When Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive Spiderman, he became. Spidermanman",1,en
What do you call the most beautiful fetus in the world? Miss Carriage.,1,en
"Customer: I'd like to try on that bathing suit in your front window. Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room",1,en
Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake? To a weterinarian!,0,en
"I like how children like my lamps easy to turn on , yes I stoled the first line from that guy but I decided to put this bc I liked this part",0,en
What do you call a bathroom for rent? Toilet!,1,en
What is thai food made out of a chicken It's Henthai,1,en
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds,1,en
"SATs Roses are red, Violets are blue. I copied your answers, and I failed too",0,en
I remember my first crush. : Orange,0,en
Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their feed trough? They were saving the best for last.,1,en
What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie? Aunt Man,0,en
"What did the IRS agent say to the financially backward store owner? ""Ehh it's easier If I just write it off as tax evasion""",1,en
My grandpa had a stroke I could tell because my lotion was missing,1,en
"Just once in my life, I'd like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of ChapStick.",1,en
I'm not wearing glasses anymore. I've seen enough,1,en
did you hear about the brake pedal who had to leave his job? he had to stop when he got depressed,1,en
What did the underscore say when he got up to leave? Gotta Dash!,0,en
"what did one astronomer say to another astronomer about his obsessed girlfriend Man, she is already inside my event horizon.",1,en
"I heard a joke on Reddit the other day. well, I guess I didn't really hear it, more like Reddit",0,en
what do you call a group that keeps getting bigger? a crew .,1,en
My girlfriend told me she was retaining water and gaining weight. I told her not to sweat it,1,en
Sockets What did one socket say to the other? Stay grounded.,0,en
"why girls live longer than boys? shopping "" never causes heart attacks , but , "" paying the "" bills "" does",1,en
My trip to the psychiatrist. Me: I have a crippling fear of backstories. Psychiatrist: So when did this begin? Me: AHHHHH!!!!!!,1,en
"I know it's old, but I feel bad for the Boston Marathon.... The driver clearly won..",0,en
What do you get when you merge Revenge with Grey's Anatomy? Graysonatomy.,0,en
How much does it cost to enter the Boston marathon? An arm and a leg.,1,en
"I should start a sandwich shop that only sells flatbreads. You'd be able to select your own fillings. I'll call it ""Pita this, pita that""",1,en
"Did you hear about Sanic the Hedgehog ""Gotta Go Fast? "" It is a running joke on the internet",1,en
"this dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich . thanks, "" artist "" . now i have nothing to pick off .",0,en
"You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf",0,en
Why do lions make such good employees? They take PRIDE in their work. ,1,en
Why does Nikolas Cruz not play Fortnite Because there is no school to go to,1,en
"I heard abortions are quite exhausting. I was confused too, but apparently it really takes it out of you",1,en
"Gonna get ""na na na na na na na na"" tattooed on my forearm. I'll tell girls it's Hey Jude and I'll tell dudes it's the Batman theme",1,en
Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted? Diversion Mary,0,en
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out? Hide their trainers.,1,en
use your whole data plan each month. there are children in china that have no data plan,0,en
Every year fewer people train to become morticians. Some say it's a dying business,1,en
"Was Billy Idol? No, he was moving at the time.",0,en
I met a eunich the other day I told him to grow a pair,1,en
I honestly don't understand the big deal with terror bombings. I mean they're just large scale bonfires in my mind.,1,en
"the corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating",0,en
My doctor told me I should be on a staple diet. I told him I don't think I can digest metal and walked out,1,en
What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam.,1,en
"ho , ho , ho , merry christmas! this is what santa clause says when he sees your wife , mother and sister together in the same room .",0,en
what did the mute say to the priest? nothing,1,en
"if you love someone , set them free. if they come back with two police officers , you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea",1,en
What do the Florida Panthers and the RMS Titanic have in common? They're both stuck at the bottom of the Atlantic. ,1,en
Wanna know something that makes no sense. Paul walker ain't even walking.,0,en
what do you call a dead bee? a was .,1,en
During the opening Olympic ceremony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good! ....And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren't too bad either,1,en
What is formed at the end of mitosis? My nailses,1,en
When two pregnant women fight it's actually a mecha fight between two unborn babies,1,en
Did you hear the news about the CEO of Ford? He was seen with an escort...,0,en
I live in quite a pretentious area. Even the ducks demand butter with their bread,1,en
"Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y? Because why emcee, eh",1,en
So a developer walks into a var. that's all I got,1,en
What job do rabbits at hotels have? Bellhop.,1,en
"Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.",0,en
friends with an ex? i don't even want to be friends with my friends .,1,en
""" it doesn't make any sense threedots but does it make a dollar? "" , says the marketing manager .",1,en
you know what they say in the tire industry? have a good year !,0,en
"I asked my waiter how long my pizza would be. his reply was, not very long",1,en
did you hear about the guy who died after eating chicken? the meat was fowl .,1,en
Why isn't the dude in a wheelchair a cassette player? Because he isn't a walkman.,1,en
What's a story VeggieTales hasn't told you? Eating around the wheelchair.,0,en
Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal? He ran his business on a skeleton crew.,1,en
"Her: ""I'm Romanian"". Me: Like the lettuce?!",1,en
I'm very great at pulling out. Just ask my kids... Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!,0,en
when is a shirt not a shirt? when it's attire .,1,en
What's a storm chasers favourite meal?  A KFC Twister,1,en
"The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he's famous, then they'll be his friend.",0,en
"What did one skeleton say to the other? Look at this bone, so hard it is",1,en
My wife says she keeps telling me i don't listen to her But this is the first I've heard of it,1,en
"no offense, but i'd only circle half the globe to be with you .",0,en
"My friend said, ""I wish there was a way i could send something to your printer."" I said, ""fax.""",1,en
How does R Kelly like his showers Golden,0,en
Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is butter made from imitation cows.,1,en
Pros and Cons of Easter Pro: Eating a chocolate bunny that's hollow inside. Con: Looking in the mirror and realising you're the same,0,en
"why is the sky blue ? son : dad threedots why is the sky blue ? dad : because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn .",0,en
"if a bear tries to attack you in the woods , give it your bicycle. maybe it's one of those circus bears , you never know",0,en
Hold up what are with the mods here? Why is every comment being removed for not wishing peace upon this account with no posts? What is going on?,0,en
I'm your inside man I like to stay inside.,0,en
What did Sam Esmail say before writing Mr. Robot? I'm about to do what's called a programmer movie.,1,en
What's the strongest plant in the world? Eucaliftus,0,en
"Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it",0,en
"Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.",1,en
"""asparagai"" is what i call multiple asparagus, but don't take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus",1,en
"love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be true .",0,en
Little known fact: Arizona's state flower is pavement.,1,en
"If she knows the A, B, C she sure knows that next comes the D.",0,en
What did the doctor say to the injured gingerbread man? Why don't you try icing it,0,en
why won't the alzheimer's patient pay attention to you? because he doesn't know the time of day .,1,en
why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon? he wanted to see stars during the day .,1,en
rural upbringin' What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Wisconsin? Prom night.,1,en
"A good joke is like an american schoolchild Within hours, it's spread around the entire room.",1,en
I dont care or think about the people in my past. there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future,0,en
What's a similarly between a hymen and a wisdom teeth? My girls ain't got both.,1,en
How do you find a minecraft enderman? Just go to a basketball game.,0,en
How do you get something instantly removed? Post it in a comment on this sub.,0,en
Why did the mountain have trouble in class? Because there was a steep learning curve.,1,en
why do mathematicians love talking about jesus? because he's a cross product .,1,en
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNNNG! What's brown and sounds like a Southern Belle? Blanche Devereaux with a tan.,0,en
i asked the cashier at the window of the service station for a galaxy. she came back with a milky way,1,en
What do you call a basin full of denim? A gene pool!,1,en
Christmas is a time to be spent with family. Which is why I'll free the kids soon.,0,en
michael j. fox got into a car accident recently threedots he was really shaken up about it,0,en
"if loving you is wrong, i've probably loved you .",0,en
"As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills",1,en
If you can't handle me at my worst. Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries,1,en
What song does mute people love to sing Sound of silence,1,en
Someone told me a story of a mountain climber. It ended with a cliffhanger,0,en
"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having",1,en
My irony detector is defective. It detects everything except irony,1,en
Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money furs and diamonds.,0,en
What do you get when a dyslexic tries to make a gif? Peanut Butter.,0,en
my neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. today he broke his leg so i had to put him down,1,en
"If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O. If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the vomit closest to the Earth? The Ralph Nadir",1,en
"My wife wanted a cashmere handbag, but I convinced her to get a cheaper one made from a different material. She wasn't easy to purse suede.",1,en
"There was a man who went swimming for the last time before the pool was closing... While swimming he drowned. Well, I guess it was his last time...",0,en
"if you're not part of the solution, you're either a solid or a gas .",1,en
"I met a German girl today. Her phone number is pretty weird, it's all nines",0,en
"What Chord would a guitarist play at a child's funeral? The ""F minor"" Chord",1,en
Why is Biotite the hottest mineral? Excellent cleavage.,1,en
"What's the difference between a thug and a phone charger? A phone charger charges batteries, but a thug has battery charges",1,en
What does a tire made of potatoes have? An inner tuber.,1,en
"me : ooh , i'd love to go to your party , but i have a dentist appointment . her : on a saturday night? me : i've got really bad teeth .",0,en
what vegetable was on the badge in the cab? a cabbage !,0,en
Who do elephants get their christmas presents from? Elephanta Claus !,0,en
What's a hard drive's favorite band? Data Remember,0,en
My friend with commitment issues passed away the other day It was the first time he ever committed to something,0,en
I firmly believe in taking care of one's body. That's why I protect mine in a thick layer of fat,1,en
"""Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade? "" ...uhhhh, for driving in space",0,en
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby,0,en
"i doubt anyone's actually "" dying "" from seeing a cute baby picture on fb, but we can always dream .",1,en
"why could don juan always pick up girls in his car? it was electric . also , the car had a set of hands .",1,en
why did captain hook cross the road? to get to the second hand shop,0,en
Was George Michael an organ donor? Because he's gonna be pissed when he hears what happend to his heart.,0,en
"My wife and I stopped talking for days after blaming each other for not defrosting the refrigerator. Finally, I had to break the ice.",1,en
"Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.",1,en
'My train was late' should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note,0,en
"i want to create and sell action figures based around fathers. ""father figures"". First edition, ""dead beat dad"". BTW it's just an empty box.",0,en
"Watched a movie where a kid is alone in his house and starts meditating. It's called ""Om Alone""",1,en
what do you call a pregnant stewardess? pilot error,1,en
the red hot chili peppers failed to show up to their concert last night. they're now known as the red hot chili flakes,1,en
What do you get when you wrap a kitten in a blanket? A purrrrito,0,en
Did you hear bout the new iphone with professional camera? Its called the eyephone.,0,en
to those who hate birds. i think they're pretty fly myself,1,en
"Love that show where they lure loan officers into a house with mending, To Patch a Creditor.",1,en
amazon review : a history of criminals not a bad book. prose and cons,0,en
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?  The letter G,1,en
"when people say "" to be honest threedots "", it means that up to that point they've been lying .",1,en
"After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, ""Take a bow."" ""Shooting isn't your cup of tea,"" he continued, ""You better switch to archery.""",1,en
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building. I hope it doesn't terrace apart.,1,en
"A squirrel charged with murder, the detective ""did you do it? "", the squirrel ... ""no it was Nut me""",1,en
How did Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West settle an argument? They went outside and exchanged blows.,1,en
What'd you call a German businessman? An enterpreNeuer.,1,en
What did the flight coordinator say to the families of the astronauts killed in the space shuttle challenger accident? My Apollogies,1,en
how do comedians stay in shape? they do set ups .,1,en
"Remember when... ... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...",1,en
Did you hear the joke about jello? Took a while to set in but it sure gave me a jiggle,1,en
Why was the first computer never invited to dinner? It would just take a few bytes then run.,0,en
"I heard that my priest was in Israel and Jordan last week Poor boys, they just wanted to sing in the choir",1,en
"at this late date , the only way i'm gonna be famous is if i save a baby from a fire. and the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone",0,en
Why can't Stevie Wonder drive a bus? I didn't know there were steering wheels in the back of the bus.,1,en
"I head the singer of ""Chandelier"" is visiting my town I'm looking out for her, but I just can't Sia!",0,en
What does a beggar and a PHP programmer have in common? They both work on crowded platforms.,1,en
You can fix almost anything with bleach Like dirty surfaces Or stains on clothing Even some people existences,0,en
"if you had to choose between having a love life , or a lifetime supply of pudding: how much chocolate pudding would you eat that first day ?",0,en
What happens to you at Christmas? Yule be happy !,0,en
How did Captain Hook die? Jock itch.,0,en
"oh , you're talking to me again. did you just break up with your boyfriend ?",0,en
Do robots have sisters? No just transistors !,1,en
did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs? they wanted to thyme travel !,0,en
"a hippie is walking along a hippy is walking along wearing one shoe . another hippy sees him and calls out , ' hey man , you lose a shoe? ' "" nope , found one """,1,en
"When you use a stranger's phone charger, you're charging with everyone they've ever charged with.",1,en
"Grapes are so predictable at poker Eventually, they all end up raisin",1,en
"A buddy asked how I pick up so many chicks, I told him I don't, I dig them up.",1,en
"i threw caution into the wind, but the wind was blowing straight back at me .",0,en
i've fallen in love with the internet. it was love at first site threedots,0,en
"I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper",1,en
"bumper sticker: we got rid of the kids , the cat was allergic threedots",0,en
NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon? I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.,1,en
"it's not a beard, it's an animal i've trained to sit very still .",0,en
What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.,0,en
I'm still learning my pronouns. But that is neither here nor there,1,en
"Water evaporates, condenses, precipitates, and evaporates again. It's a viscous cycle",1,en
Where can you date feminists without body hair? In the oncology.,1,en
Do you know where to get free vegetables? The special ed school,1,en
Me: What are you up to? Her: I'm making Chinese. Me: Cloning's unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.,0,en
What does the hulk use in the shower? A loofah rigno,0,en
"Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful? The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.",1,en
If you every lose a friend that party's a lot don't worry. They'll eventually turn up,0,en
"With the Germany Argentina final on the way, we will finally know which one of the two Popes is God's favorite.",1,en
CW:my husband doesn't understand me at all. What about yours? Me:I wouldn't know... I don't talk to him about you...,0,en
What animals do you bring to bed? Your calves.,1,en
"having watched the entire season of a show before me doesn't make you better than me, it makes you more unemployed than me",1,en
What happened to the colour that got a vaccine? Nothing. It was already on the spectrum.,1,en
Reddit is to socialising. what a gloryhole is to love,1,en
"What did the naturalist say when he saw a number of rocks covered in moss? ""I'm lichen what I see""",1,en
"kanye west compared his relationship with kim kardashian to romeo and juliet. so we won't have to deal with them too much longer , you guys",1,en
i took my turtle for a walk. it's been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway,0,en
What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component? This guy!,0,en
"What's an emo's favourite laptop? A ""Razer Blade""",0,en
Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he's solo.,0,en
"Ever since I became blind I never looked back. Or forward, or right, or left",1,en
"a school shooter came into class today, but everyone in the room was armed but our fists were no match for his gun",1,en
"I got locked in a mirror shop last night. On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect. ",1,en
Why are test tube manufacturers always single? People just seem to find them vial!,1,en
Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.,1,en
My friend threw a chicken bone out of a window because it was a biodegradable problem So I threw out my baby,1,en
What happened when Curiosity took Accusation out on a date? She aroused suspicion.,1,en
Birds that have mating rituals. I bet they just wing it,1,en
"now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan ?",1,en
Why the deaf kid didn't get anything for Christmas ? Cuz he wasn't listening all year.,0,en
"do you know when you are in hospital , your friends ask : hi , how are you dear? but your best friends ask : hey buddy , how is the nurse",1,en
"I am Looking a Bank I am Looking for a Bank which can perform Two things for me. Give me a Loan, and then Leave me Alone",0,en
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines.... But I just wasn't a big fan.,0,en
why should you send your sweetie a valentine? because you always heart the one you love .,0,en
I want to work at a nursery It would mean i wouldn't have to buy flesh lights.,0,en
"i can make you speak even more irish . say this five times fast: "" your fork can eat jet . """,1,en
"i love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want threedots",0,en
What kind of cheese is best to watch Lost with? Smoked Muenster.,1,en
doctor! is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two ?,0,en
"My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, so I started looking for some names... ...in the end I chose Juan Carlos and took the first flight to Spain.",1,en
who can make six figures a year and still be poor? a toy builder .,1,en
what was the deaf mans favorite song? the sound of silence .,0,en
"I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack And buried him in it.",1,en
"I love playing songs in the shower, it provides rhythm to my crying. sHoWeR mUsIc",1,en
"today's special menu the waiter asked , "" would you like to hear today's special? "" "" yes please , "" i smiled . "" today is special , "" he replied , then walked off .",1,en
"I'm not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.",1,en
what do you call a baby panther? a newton .,1,en
"Statistically speaking, every male has had a crush on a teacher. For me, it's my wife's yoga instructor",1,en
Me: I've lost my kitten Cop: How would you best describe him? Me: He looks like a miniature cat,1,en
"""A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir""",1,en
"i don't believe death is the end . in my heart i know that , long after i'm gone , i will continue to receive hot summer deal! emails .",0,en
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights,1,en
There is no need of gender reaveal we all know it's either boy or abortion,1,en
"You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.",0,en
q : what time would it be if five elephants were chasing you? a : five after one .,0,en
"Doggies get too much credit for that position. Really, every animal likes to do it that way",1,en
what does a caterpillar do on new years day? turns over a new leaf !,0,en
what did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? hare today gone tomorrow .,0,en
What does the Sargeant of the Knowledge division always tell his troops to get? in formation,1,en
friday fun fact: there's more time spent installing adobe updates than the actual use of adobe .,0,en
"Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I've had a terrible accident! Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall on the left.",0,en
Please help my grandma is dying in the living room! Well then I guess it's not a living room anymore is it?,0,en
"it's a little known fact that elton john doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man .",1,en
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he: A. a ghost hunter B. a virgin C. a sword collector D. all of the above,0,en
What's a life without units? Unmeasurable.,1,en
How do Spaniards take their coffee? Au lait.,1,en
"Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.",0,en
If an entire garden was variegated. would it take longer to get in to,0,en
"I was skydiving and my parachute malfunctioned. Luckily, I had the rest of my life to fix it.",0,en
Why was Cleopatra so negative? Because she was queen of denial.,1,en
What's the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a run in the forest? Ones a pant in the country the others a...,0,en
I once met a dyslexic who suffered from vertigo. Her name was Dizzy Spells,1,en
"""Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me? "" ""I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize.""",0,en
"I once lived with a Canadian family for a year. They didn't want me to, but were too polite to ask me to leave",1,en
"hey yogurt , settle down with the commercials. you're yogurt !",0,en
"Great pickup line... You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress? Her: Yes. You: Wanna Traumatize it",0,en
What did Kermit eat after he got divorced? Pork Chops,1,en
What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve.,1,en
What do you call Pegasus farts? Horse power.,1,en
i really need to stop talking to my cat. right meow,0,en
"I'm gonna be celebrating MLK the only way I know how. By napping, because you can't have a dream if you aint sleeping",0,en
when does a hunger strike stop? when hunger strikes .,1,en
How do you sink a Swedish submarine? Knock on the hatch.,0,en
where does Winnie the Pooh go when he has an accident ? Eeyore,0,en
My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,1,en
"a german boy pushed his brother off a cliff. he then turned to his mother and said "" look mom ! no hans ! """,0,en
is this sub dying? almost nobody has posted anything all year !,0,en
What did Sloth say when he found gold? AU GUYS!!!,1,en
"I hear Tarantino's next movie is about a Sichuan restaurant. It's called ""the heatful eat""",1,en
"If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies? A swallow",1,en
My Jewish friend was having trouble with his homework. I guess he needed more concentration,1,en
Know what OBGYN stands for? OBGYN: Oh Boy! Got You Naked!,1,en
What do you call an unconscious computer programmer? dfghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj,1,en
What is H.P. Lovecraft's cook book called? The Necronomnomnomicon.,1,en
"A windmill asked me for an autograph. I said ""You must be a big fan""",1,en
What's the similarity between a wench and a wrench? Both are not genders.,1,en
I like watching videos of animals getting rescued in reverse,1,en
"When you ask if I want fries or salad, I'll pretend it's a tough choice and we'll enjoy a genial laugh before you bring me more ketchup.",1,en
Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket? Because baggers can't be choosers.,1,en
I think I have canine genes I only get turned on when I'm inside of dogs. ,1,en
"Just like my refrigerator. I open Reddit, just to be disappointed and close it",0,en
They should make a Paul Walker satnav...  he's used to being on the dashboard. ,0,en
did you hear about all the pokemon that died in the fire? all that was left was ash,0,en
What does the Police and a waterfall have in common? They are breathtaking.,1,en
"Unlike your magazine, an actual watchtower would help me spot Jehovah's Witnesses before they knock on my door.",1,en
"him : i'm sorry , can we start over? me : great idea ! you introduce yourself , and this time i'll keep walking .",0,en
What do disabled people order at restaurants Vegetable soup,1,en
Women treat me like God. My existence is ignored except for when they need something.,1,en
What do you call a dog with only three teeth? Meth Lab.,1,en
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!,0,en
Bro Transformers are real! Haven't you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.,0,en
"never trust a man with a bald head. for all you know , he could've been a ginger !",0,en
why should you never play poker with a crocodile? you will lose every hand .,1,en
A naked woman robbed a bank today. When authorities asked about the culprit no one could remember her face,1,en
"INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents? ME: I taught myself how to play piano INTERVIEWER: By ear? ME: No, just with my hands",1,en
Why is the french AR longer than other rifels? So it's easier to mount the white flag on it.,1,en
"I got a bite the first time I went fishing. I panicked and phoned the Fisherman's Advice Bureau to see what I should do. ""Please hold the line,"" they said!",1,en
So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves,1,en
"""if theres a spicy brown mustard, why not a spicy brown ketchup? "" The wise man smiled. ""my friend, the condiment you seek is Barbecue Sauce""",1,en
I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst,1,en
Hey something came in the mail today... What? Deez Nutz! Haha Got Em!,0,en
"I used to work at a stationery store. But, I didn't feel like I was going anywhere. So, I got a job at a travel agency. Now, I know I'll be going places.",1,en
what's the most common career choice among spiders? web development,1,en
In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity. It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks,1,en
"Man calls home before leaving the office, asks his wife to slide down the banister. To get his dinner warmed up",1,en
"I won my girlfriend's heart First prize was a year's supply of Cadbury, but a runner up is also good",0,en
Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes but I thought it was mine!,0,en
"If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named? Cause then there would be Nosex!",0,en
What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as? A completely rational fear.,0,en
why is sonic the answer to every google search? because he shows up the fastest .,0,en
"Wintertime It's winter again. That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating, or getting that massive new tattoo",0,en
wife : why is there a broom in the driveway? me : so your mom doesn't have to borrow the car,0,en
how are you related to the sun? because your teeth are the same colour as it .,1,en
"Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix? God: It's an idea I have for a public holiday. TJ: Huh? G: It's complicated",0,en
Did you hear the one about Gilgamesh? It was epic.,1,en
Research has proved that babies can remember attractive faces when they are ten months old. No wonder she couldn't recognize me at court.,1,en
What do you call an Asian lobster? A crustasian,1,en
"This is a wholesome post Have a nice day, people care about you",0,en
"Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer one of the skunks said ""Whatever shall we do? "" ""Let us spray!"" replied the other.",1,en
What do cows like to do at amoosement parks? Ride on the roller cowster.,1,en
I don't believe that twitter is the place for arguments. We all have family for that,1,en
How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut? Diagon alley,0,en
i like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode i just watched. what a fun trip down memory lane,0,en
I'd say he was spineless. Yes about as spineless as cooked spaghetti,0,en
"Geography joke from my son Him: What's the capitol of Switzerland? Me: Ummm, Geneva? Him: Nope! .... BERN",1,en
I came first in the egg and spoon race. Those eggs and spoons were no competition for me.,1,en
"an original joke. sorry , wrong subreddit",0,en
"lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog i ignored it because i was building a furniture fort .",1,en
my beard has grown so much. it's time to threedots shampoo,0,en
What's the definition of a parakeet? It's the keet that takes care of you until the real keet arrives.,1,en
what is a male widow called? single,1,en
why is everyone in an internet cafe hungry? server not found .,0,en
"My Dad: I agree with Occam, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one Also My Dad: Apple changed my password again",1,en
"I was gonna make a Justin Bieber joke. But, Sorry",0,en
"I don't know what's healthier, but a grilled cheese sandwich tastes way better than a boiled one.",1,en
Do you know why the people in ambulances are called paramedics? because there are two of them in the ambulance...it's a Pair O' Medics!!!,1,en
why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet? no connection,0,en
"A cryogenic experiment to freeze people at absolute zero just succeeded. I know because my friend took part in it. Don't worry, he's OK.",0,en
be kind to strangers. one of them could end up being your coroner,1,en
i'm like a kid. people like me best when i'm quiet or sleeping,0,en
Why do I always feel a sense of deja vu on Repo street? I'm sure I've seen it or read it already on Repo St. ,1,en
"Did you know cucumbers improve your memory? My uncle put one in me when I was a kid, and I still haven't forgotten",1,en
What does a World War II vet do in the morning? The Battle of The Bulge,1,en
what's the difference between bluetooth and the titanic? the titanic sinks .,0,en
"Math, I'm not a therapist... ...Solve your own problems.",1,en
I was going to go to a clairvoyants meeting the other day but. it was cancelled due to unforeseen events,0,en
Elderly man gets his prostate checked As the Dr. Checks with out hesitation the elderly man asks Sandusky that you,1,en
"What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body.... Keep going! She has flu symptoms",0,en
Why did Sherlock Holmes hate public speaking? It's a mystery.,1,en
What do u call a car ride in the hood? A Safari ,1,en
"if a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?",1,en
"my two teenagers are very different. my son always wants money , whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card",1,en
Are you a banker? Because you got my interest ,1,en
"Why did the blond not come out of the shower? Because the bottle said to lather, rinse, and repeat.",0,en
"Computers are like old testament gods. Lots of rules and no mercy. Not mine, got it somewhere on the internet.",0,en
"a general reads war and peace another soldier asked him how he liked it "" liked the first half , hated the second. "" he said",1,en
"I always write ""boing"" in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.",1,en
"in or on? why are you in a movie , but you are on tv",0,en
did you hear jesus won all the swimming events? he walked it .,1,en
"if you're ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north .",0,en
Why couldn't the little mermaid get into college? Her GPA was unda da C.,0,en
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love,0,en
"TIL the swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of, except for...  ...the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.",1,en
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless !,0,en
Why did jay z cross the road? Because mr mantis ate my skunk food.,0,en
A cop that contemplates his existence: Philofficer,1,en
"your life may be an open book, but could you skip to the good parts .",0,en
Whats it called when an unvaccinated kid goes swimming? Deadpool.,0,en
why did the farmer fire the dj? because he kept on dropping beets .,1,en
"i'll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, "" nope . i'd rather stay out here . """,1,en
my identity was stolen two days ago. they called today begging for me to take it back,0,en
My cat ate my Chinese food So I turned it into Chinese food,1,en
how do fish go into business? the start on a small scale !,1,en
What do you call a clock tower somebody lives in? A timely manor.,1,en
A child is at church. .. ... ... What I made the kid at church joke? Give me gold.,0,en
I think we should find time today to send a friend request to Myspace Tom on Facebook; he was there for us when we didn't have any friends.,0,en
The director of Pulp Fiction... Quarantino.,1,en
What do you call an Igloo without a toilet? An Ig !,1,en
its ok to feel weird in the grocery store. you are surrounded by stuff that is going to move through strangers bodies,0,en
What's Imperial Britain's favorite game? Clash of Clans,0,en
My girlfriend is like a goddess. My friends and family don't believe she exists,0,en
Where's the best place to store ice cream cones? Conetainers,0,en
my wife installed a mirror over our bed. she said she likes to watch herself laugh,1,en
"ladies , wonder if he's busy or ignoring your texts? offer to send nudes . if he instantly responds , he was totally ignoring you before .",1,en
what kind of cat should you take into the desert? a first aid kitty !,0,en
poker? i can't even see who you're pointing at !,0,en
What font was used on Wyatt Earp's tombstone? Sans Sheriff.,0,en
"Teachers call it ""Going to the bathroom"". We call it ""I'm bored, I'm gonna go wander around school.""",1,en
What's the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!,0,en
funny women are smart. be careful,0,en
Where in Somalia is the most population density? Depends on wind conditions ,1,en
"sorry i haven't been able to get back to you, i've been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork . almost . got . it .",0,en
you're a busy woman. let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken's done,0,en
Did you hear how high the offshore banker's salary is? I heard he makes boatloads.,1,en
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial,0,en
The toilet paper at work is rolled in improper underhand fashion. Should I call maintenance or hold it until I get home?,1,en
An orange juice factory decides to host a movie night. They will be screening Pulp Fiction,1,en
q . what's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? a . put the remote control between his toes .,0,en
Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.,0,en
"why will michael b jordan make a bad human torch? because it's supposed to be the fantastic four , not the fantastic fo ' !",0,en
Why do we call the office printer Bob Marley? Cause it's always Jammin',1,en
"i have a bumper sticker in braille if you can read this, you're driving too close .",1,en
"Why did Jerry Hall marry Rupert Murdoch? He's not much to look at, but he's a great listener.",1,en
"my boyfriend recently called me his woman and now we're living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food",1,en
What is it called when two birds kiss? A Peck.,1,en
why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? because she expected some change in the weather .,1,en
Why didn't the American get the burger? ...because the heart attack got him first.,0,en
I thought more people would laugh at my candy joke. But all I heard was a few snickers,1,en
why was the lettuce scared of the salad? cos .,0,en
Cool guys Boys look at explosions Men don't look at explosions Legends make the explosions Muslims do the explosions,1,en
"During an inspection of the federal penitentiary, I saw a bald inmate beat up a warden. I guess the warden was hit by a Smooth Criminal",1,en
Michael Jackson eacher in Africa: okay students this year we are going to America Students: but it's so cold Michael Jackson: bravo six going light,0,en
"Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday. Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.",0,en
"do you like him like him, or just facebook like him ?",0,en
my phone bill was huge this month. a couple of weeks ago i rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her,1,en
"I've been working with NASCAR on redesigning the track for more variety, but it's tough I just can't seem to get it right",1,en
My math teacher told me this joke. What do you find on a beach? A tangent.,1,en
"Why is a little girl better than a little boy? When you're done using her as a little girl, you can flip her over and use her as a little boy",0,en
why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch? because it's still dressing .,0,en
when a teacher closes his eyes why should it remind him of an empty classroom? because there are no pupils to see !,1,en
i was arrested yesterday for stealing eggs. i could've sworn they were free range,1,en
What's Lil Wayne's Favorite French Movie? AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE,0,en
Why did the campfire turn into a forest fire? It wanted to get off its ash.,0,en
What do you call a screaming timepiece? An alarmed clock.,1,en
i actually talked to real people this weekend. it was weird,0,en
I don't need a flashlight to find my way around in the dark. I have shins for that,1,en
"girl scouts sell more than just cookies. i know , it sounds crazy , but it's just nuts",1,en
Why the Spainish love English class. Essays,1,en
Justin Timberlake has announced he's involved with a sequel the The Dark Crystal. He's bringing Skeksis Back,1,en
"Fastest racer? If The fastest runner on the track has down syndrome, is he the fastest, or slowest?",1,en
"just had a food baby, but i'm not ready for that type of responsibility so i flushed it",1,en
You ever been bad at splitting fractions into thirds? I halve.,0,en
What did the erotic novel author get from his editor? Sticky notes. What did he get from his publisher? A hard copy,0,en
Did you hear about the patch of fog that entered the spelling bee? It wasn't very good but they gave it a precipitation medal.,1,en
Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare? It just lepton.,1,en
what did victoria say to the tailor? i'm a taylor too .,0,en
"a good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller",0,en
Looks like Disney isn't sticking to their guns But they will be sticking with their Gunn,1,en
"Murphy asked Paddy... Murphy asked Paddy, ""What ringtone have you got? "" Paddy said, ""I've never really looked, but probably light brown",1,en
what has happened to common sense these days? its become nothing but pocket change .,0,en
"AI walks to the human AI: ""I relieve you, sir! "" Human: ""I am relieved.""",1,en
"Sorting out Problems Remember, whenever you have a problem with someone, use hydrochloric acid. It's always a solution",1,en
I want a textbook wedding. One that costs way too much and is of no use to me later in life,0,en
the best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. if i approach a door and a guy isn't there i just take a nap til one shows up,1,en
"Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and",0,en
"I tore the elbow of my shirt last week, but I was able to stitch it back together. On the hole, it's held up surprisingly well",1,en
What is a horses favourite TV show? Neeeebours,1,en
What do you call stephen hawking in a bathtub? vegetable soup,1,en
"What would Ashley Tisdale have to do to become a boxing champion? Bop bop bop, bop to the top",0,en
Does anyone else love thick sandwiches with three slices of bread and two layers of filling? We should make a club.,1,en
"i know my limits. i don't pay any attention to them , but i know them",1,en
"i call my wife treasure, cos she looks like she's just been dug up .",0,en
apparently some people have been using wind to take the leaves from my frontyard and put them other places. they are still mine regardles,0,en
"If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.",1,en
its been a while since the last crazy frog cd. whats the holdup,0,en
I know some scientists who worked on LIGO. I am so glad to gravitate around people who make waves,1,en
"stay safe out there on new years eve who am i kidding, i'm talking to redditors .",0,en
"I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken",0,en
what do you call a robot dressed in drag? a transition metal .,1,en
i just saw iron lady. marvel really dropped the ball on that one threedots,0,en
What is a virgin's least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe,0,en
I like to observe people in lines. I'm in Wait Watchers,1,en
How did the mystic respond when asked what he's doing tonight? Your mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,1,en
"My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don't have to shovel snow this weekend.",1,en
Why are artists good in swordfights? They can draw them really well.,1,en
"i miss the good ol ' days, when no one had a clue what ' gluten ' was .",0,en
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.,0,en
Why are millenials so odd? Because they can't even...,1,en
Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up? They call their tailor Herr Dresser,1,en
why was my other pillow jealous? because i like to sleep around .,1,en
"Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten ""people"" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule",0,en
Maria Sharapova. True woman of substance,0,en
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? I don't beat my girlfriend.,0,en
What cologne do engineers wear? Elon's musk,1,en
"when standing on top of a staircase , it becomes a universal mode of transport. where it goes is up to you",1,en
did you hear about the mexican carpet salesman? he was sacked for only selling underlay !,1,en
why was the robot cold? he was missing his winter gear,0,en
Whats red and wrapped in news paper? Abortion of chips,0,en
"guys, check out this cool trick i learned . take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip . now keep them like that .",1,en
What's a mathematician's favorite plant? Geometry,1,en
What's a dish best served cold? Air condish.,1,en
"ok parents who have really clean houses , do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? how does this work",0,en
Where do pens and pencils go on vacation? Pennsylvania,1,en
Why does Walmart shares go up when school starts? Gun sales ,1,en
"I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday, She said all she wanted was a normal childhood.",0,en
what's the most popular form of birth control? the headache .,1,en
"me : this "" fear the walking dead "" show is really creepy. wife : this is the video music awards",0,en
"I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board. I thought, I'll give it a Go",1,en
"I get jealous over the little stuff... Why? Because we started out doing that ""little stuff""..",0,en
watching benjamin button. never gets old,0,en
hey buddy . how late does the band play? about half a beat behind the drummer .,0,en
"Fords new heated tailgates. Fords working on a new heated tailgate feature, that way when you have to push it in the snow your hands won't be cold",1,en
"what does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat? look mom , an angel !",0,en
"i saw that show locked up abroad . i expected to see more than just a women getting locked up . but that's all it was, that show is so literal .",1,en
"her : i'm leaving you me : but why? her : there's just no chemistry between us anymore chemistry : wow , i'm like right here",0,en
"i don't sit crossed legged to be classy, i'm holding my tampon in",1,en
how do you know you're in an elevator with the people of reddit? you're stuck on the basement level !,0,en
"What did the dyslexic, epilptic with hemorrhoids say? ""If I fits I sitz.""",1,en
I have an addiction to cheddar. But it's only mild,1,en
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd,1,en
"what's tall , white and has ears? a mountain .",1,en
Scientist found out. once shown the exit,0,en
thought i could put dolphin in my fish pie. until i noticed i was using all porpoise flour,1,en
"Always a housemaid, never a house.",1,en
What does Beyonce eat food out of? An IrreplacaBOWL.,1,en
"I tweet because it's fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it'll prove to a jury how crazy I am.",0,en
What does the earth and Arianna Grande have in common? They're both flat,1,en
"my heart goes out to all those frustrated people who are stuck in traffic, on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles threedots",0,en
What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop? Now is the winter of our discount tents,1,en
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have the other thinks you have what he treats.,1,en
Last time when I was someone's type. I was donating blood,1,en
What's the smartest piece of lab equipment? A graduated cylinder.,1,en
My girlfriend lives on the east coast of Virginia. She's my Chesapeake Bae,1,en
"I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We're like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise",1,en
my new girlfriend asked me how i felt about kids. with my hands was apparently not the right answer,1,en
"Just told a girl who was getting too close we should just stay friens. In case you're wondering, I'll give her the d later",0,en
how do we know floyd mayweather isn't a bomb? because he can't tell the time .,1,en
""" and what do your parents do? "" baby cow : well , my mom is basically a vending machine and my dad is hamburgers",1,en
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be... ...without sponges.,1,en
"on average , how many books can you put in an empty backpack? one . after that it's no longer empty",1,en
What do you call a bottle of glue in a spy's pocket? A bonding agent.,1,en
why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue? because they can't dress themselves .,1,en
What car did Paul Walker die in? His friends Fireari,0,en
someone said i had a good aim i said yeah we have schools for that in America.,1,en
Why did the angles have such high self esteem? Because they kept complementing each other.,1,en
"receptionist : "" that lady in the waiting room is picking her nose . "" plastic surgeon : "" good! that'll save me some time . send her right in . """,1,en
"So, do you think a movie about Michael Jackson's life would turn out to be good ... or would they just whitewash the story too much?",0,en
What do you get when you combine a recliner with a fruit? A chairy.,1,en
Why are branches attached to trees? Because they stick,1,en
What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea? Nah. I'ma stay.,1,en
I like working at a warehouse because I get to godown everyday,1,en
"Man: Why is ur wife shouting at you? Friend: she told me to upload her photo in FB, I uploaded in OLX... Mistakes do happen",0,en
"What do you call a thirsty cow? A watermeloin.. Don't worry, I remember where the door is.",1,en
"A man walks in to a green grocer's ""Excuse me ma'am, are these carrots genetically modified? "" ""No"" interrupted the carrot.",1,en
Some women are born to make history. I prefer the ones who get deleted from mine,0,en
i love turtles there my favorite food,0,en
why is the doctor an excellent chef? he's a thyme lord,1,en
"Flossed for the first time in a long time. .... I don't remember eating all that blood, but a lot got stuck in there.",0,en
i am giving up eating red meats. i'm going cold turkey,1,en
My family and I put my grandma's body in a retirement home Because we didn't know what to do with her body.,1,en
where is everyone beautiful? in the dark .,0,en
"i swear , my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. and then to the mall",0,en
who loves fast food? jared fogle,0,en
What's the difference between an unvaccinated child and coffee grounds? Ashes has a more unusual taste.,1,en
What do you call a fish in orbit? Trouterspace.,1,en
"You can't always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you'll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable",1,en
I did some homework about Chinese people. It was a copy and paste job.,1,en
What do a woman and a carton of milk have in common? You have to push back the flaps to get to the good part,1,en
"So many girls in my house, I can barely even breathe Anyone have a shovel?",1,en
I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them,1,en
I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I'm worried that I've got testicular cancer,1,en
what did the sick waiter say when his manager asked him if he could come into work? i can't wait .,1,en
Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness? He was too super fish oil.,0,en
"someone asked me if i used mustache wax. i said no , but it helps to have a runny nose",1,en
where does honey come from? beez nuts,1,en
do you know why there's no apple wireless charger? because they can't decide what exactly should break there .,1,en
Star Trek joke When the shields are down. Klingon,0,en
Why was the grandmother's license revoked? She had lost her fine motor skills.,1,en
What type of fish needs to be tuned? Tune a fish,1,en
"My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...",0,en
What do you get when you cross a lake with a deflating raft? Halfway.,0,en
What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder? I've heard of it but don't know what it means,1,en
That moment when she says her parents aren't home So you go upstairs,0,en
You know what Popeye and Napoleon have in common? They both come on those little jugs of Olive Oil.,0,en
what's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants? on television !,1,en
My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is. if it tastes good spit it out,0,en
If I was the last person on earth. I would be the best in everything,0,en
Why did the kiddie pool have no friends? Because it was too shallow.,1,en
Flowers look good Especially when they're in my girlfriend,1,en
"I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what's on my mind. For heaven's sake, I don't know what's on my mind.",0,en
what did one japanese man say to the other? something in japanese .,1,en
"Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle. the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments",1,en
What's the most expensive part of making a LiveLeak compilation? The Kleenex and Lotion,1,en
"What does the English teacher say to calm his baby? There, they're, their, it'll be okay",1,en
"nice try , private caller. i don't answer the phone if i know you either",0,en
"the worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work .",1,en
How to fix blindness Blind people just have dark mode enabled,0,en
The Columbine basketball team hasn't been the same. Since they lost their two best shooters,1,en
Who can run faster than Usain Bolt? Michael Jackson when he sees a kindergarten,0,en
Q:what's the best thing about a blue waffle? A: it comes with its own syrup!,0,en
Anxiety: making it impossible to tell the difference between a minor problem and a catastrophe since the development of the frontal lobe!,1,en
That guy was so nice to the pantless girl freezing in the streets. He lent her his genes to keep her warm.,1,en
What do you call it when Darth Vader moves one foot? The Imperial March,1,en
Waiter waiter does the pianist play requests? Yes sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal.,1,en
Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker? Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.,1,en
"Of course, Tony the Tiger isn't his real name. It's Lord Antoine le Tigris of Kellogg",0,en
"met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen",0,en
father : don't you feel better now that you've gone to the dentist? son : sure do . he wasn't in .,0,en
"I don't see why people care about life so much After all, no one gets out of it alive.",0,en
I'm reading a book about Zeno's Paradox. I'm not quite halfway through it,1,en
You know I think royalty can get to peoples head Except Diane the windscreen got there first,0,en
Jokerino Why did the tire pop? Because it retired.,0,en
God is in everyone And priests are in the children,1,en
"Saying ""Sloppy seconds"" instead of ""leftovers"" is really funny, until your five year old says it.",1,en
what did one beef patty say to the other beef patty? will you be my grill friend,0,en
Have you heard about this? It's a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing.,1,en
"Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, ""Needs to borrow money"" or ""Will whine about petty stuff""",1,en
"what did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed? "" holy sheet ! """,1,en
What did the fish have to pay to get past the coral reef? Atoll.,1,en
Why hasn't bigfoot ever gone to prison? Because he has only been convicted mythdemeanors.,0,en
"People who were huge fans of the Backstreet Boys are now in positions of responsibility, making important decisions.",1,en
What is a mortician's favorite side dish? Gravy,1,en
"if my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on too .",0,en
"oprah lost a fortune in the stock market. don't worry , she gained it all back",1,en
why is ups so great? they always deliver !,0,en
Friend fell onto a fish tank. I ask how was his trip to the Aquarium?,1,en
"Some days I ask, ""What would Chewbacca do? "" And the answer is always, ""Make that gargly roaring sound."" So that's what I do.",1,en
Jury remains deadlocked in the case of Good Times v. Bad Times,1,en
What do you call Gumby's sidekick in Jamaica? Pokemon,1,en
Just tried out my new plow! Seemed to work pretty well on my daughter.,0,en
Everyone wanted the smoke But Pompeii got it,0,en
Whats a priests favorite website Youtube kids,0,en
"If I had two bathrooms I'd tell everyone someone died in one, I ain't tryna clean two bathrooms",0,en
"If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.",1,en
It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist Probably because I am fluent in Python,1,en
"If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one",1,en
What does Eevee evolve into when you pour buckets of slime on it? Nickelodeon,0,en
"what shoes are hard to wear? dark soles terrible gaming pun . my friend posted this on fb , thought i would share .",0,en
Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army? He had troubleshooting. ,1,en
I just spent several seconds trying unsuccessfully to delete a comma. Turns out somebody sneezed it onto the computer screen,0,en
"huh, maybe this pizza delivery guy will be the father figure i've been looking for",0,en
"You can tell a lot about someone from the books they read, the things they say and how they conduct themselves in their personal life.",0,en
Who said canser is hard to beat? I'm already Tracer.,0,en
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious. or did she,1,en
"How many noodles can you fit in a dog house? None, because Pinapples don't have seeds.",1,en
i just threw a rock at a guy who was getting subway breakfast. he understood why,1,en
"The shooting in Florida was a tragedy... On the plus side, less competition",1,en
"how does a blonde call for her dog? she puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "" max ! "" .",1,en
I went to one those secret New York City rooftop concerts last night. Seeing FIDLAR on the roof was great!,0,en
what do you call a gamer girl on her period? red ring of death .,1,en
"if you're testing me, we failed .",0,en
"they're playing earth , wind and fire. i was not prepared to party this hard at home depot",0,en
I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs. But I totally trust a dog when it doesn't like a person,1,en
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall? A good jumpurr !,0,en
I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!,0,en
My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious,0,en
"Archimedes law of bathing When your body immersed in water, the phone rings",0,en
"My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like ""please untie me"" and ""just tell me who you are""",1,en
What do you call a snake that studies past events? A HISSSSStorian.,1,en
what do you call a man with a map on his head? miles .,1,en
"Why was the weak man stuck with all that debt? No matter what he tried, he just couldn't budge it.",0,en
"Well my father always told me, ""when life gives you lemons, chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation Edit: words",1,en
"detective : did your husband have any enemies , ma'am? wife : well , the cat next door never really liked jim , and that always seemed a bit odd .",0,en
Did you hear about new product out from Tampax? The iPad.,0,en
how many of my parents does it take to mow the lawn? none . they pay me to do it .,1,en
What do snowmen like to do at the weekend?  Chill out.,1,en
"i have to start going to friends ' funerals. otherwise , they won't come to mine",0,en
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet,1,en
who do people hate and love but is really hot and goes to beach everyday? sun of a beach,0,en
What do you call a small wardrobe? A battledrobe.,1,en
OJ's son did it! OJ'S son: Daddy Daddy the ice cream man is here! Can I have some money? OJ: Go axe yo mama,0,en
Why do technicolor pigs have great breath? Because the have a lot of pigments.,1,en
What's brown and sticky? Parcel tape.,0,en
"customer: "" wait that password looks really gray . i'm going to type it in again . """,0,en
i quit my job working for nike. just couldn't do it anymore,0,en
"Roses are red, their stems are green. Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams",1,en
"i learned two important lessons today. i can't remember the first lesson , but the second one is i have to start writing things down",0,en
"did you mean pacific or specific? cuz seriously , one is an ocean .",1,en
where would we be in the world without humour? germany .,0,en
Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range. But it wasn't his strong suit,1,en
Why did the man with acute bronchitis go on holiday? Because he had a wee cough,1,en
What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble? A dollar.,1,en
"As a kid, I had a real obsession with Posh Spice It cost my parents a fortune in saffron...",0,en
I currently own a copy of the Where's Waldo movie. I just need to find it first.,0,en
What's the difference between trees and children? Trees don't complain when you climb on top of them,1,en
"I don't give to many charities, but I tend to give to Parkinson's sufferers. They always seem to make that extra effort to rattle the tin",1,en
i wanted to thank you personally for the like. that's why i'm in your house,0,en
TIL javelins were invented in a region of northern France. Britanny Spears,1,en
Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition? Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet,1,en
Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickle? Because it had more cents,1,en
"i'm making a bucket list, some of the girls on my friends list are on it",0,en
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips,1,en
What do you call a Halal pie? Allah mode.,1,en
How do they tie things down on the space station? They use astro knots.,1,en
Does anyone know how to take care of a Fern? Asking for a frond.,1,en
"life on earth is expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun",1,en
""" dad , what does it take to become a writer? "" "" a job . """,0,en
How does a penguin keep itself hydrated? His waddle bottle.,1,en
How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!,0,en
"look , you invented bread and i invented knives. let's combine forces and we could be the best thing since threedots well we'll think of that later",0,en
Teacher: in this class you should love logarithms. Student: what if they don't reciprocate? Sorry for the bad math joke... but it was just too good.,0,en
what is a dead giveaway someone has no idea what they are doing? they have an engineering degree .,1,en
"They tell you to wear layers on a day like this, but I always end up uncomfortably warm in this suit of lasagna.",1,en
"the sign said ' free range chickens '. so , i took some",1,en
Why do those who are depressed look down whilst walking? They have nothing to look forward to,1,en
This morning my kitten was riding around the house on my dog's back like he was on a horse. I'd post a video of it but I made it up,0,en
"i'm not insulting you, i'm describing you .",1,en
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses? .....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium,0,en
we were gonna give you money but thought you might prefer the limited buying power of a gift card . don't spend it all in one place! lol jk,0,en
what do you call a running chicken? poultry in motion .,1,en
What do you call a town in the middle of the Arctic Ocean? An Iceburgh.,1,en
What did the deaf guy get for Christmas? A Headphone,0,en
Changes the meaning of the word. A man says to another man I'm straight for you,1,en
what is a joke that works on many levels? hr department .,1,en
Why was the groundhog depressed about his den? He was having a bad lair day!,0,en
"What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador? A ""mosquito"" ",1,en
The next fortnite location should be something with starting with B... I'm think something dangerous that will keep you running like Boston bombing.,0,en
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.,0,en
Why'd they upgrade the planetarium? Its already spacious enough,0,en
"A baby horse is found injured. The cause of the injury is unknown, but foal play is suspected",1,en
where does king kong sleep? anywhere he wants to .,0,en
"I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses Turns out, it had an inflated ego",1,en
Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet? He wanted to see the floor show !,0,en
"What's a Grecian Urn? Nothing, they're bankrupt.",0,en
what is the problem with high frequency? it hertz,1,en
"hey! if u keep makimg faces like that u'll grow up to be a great physical comedian, able to unite peopel with laughter, adored by all, loved",0,en
A guy wore a Hanukkah shirt to a Christmas party. He was in the Menorah Tee,1,en
"I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings",0,en
My wife complained that my life revolving around social media has destroyed the way we communicate as a family. So I blocked her on my Facebook page,0,en
"How do you make an elephant fly? First, you get a great big zipper...",0,en
Q: How does a poor mans cube look like? A: It's a sphere.,0,en
What is the difference between a Mother and Wife? One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.,0,en
How many particles are there in a vaccum? It doesn't matter.,1,en
What did the winner of the not moving contest get? Atrophy,0,en
why are penguins socially awkward? because they can't break the ice .,1,en
What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold? A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.,0,en
What is a Fecalpheliac's favorite time of day? Ate Turdy,0,en
Why do Texans duel at high noon? They distrust clocks.,1,en
What is a popular Muslim rock song? Demolition Man,1,en
Did you hear about the time Orion lost an archery match? He was given a constellation prize.,1,en
"Tough week, just found out my wife and I pronounce ""gif"" differently.",1,en
"How does Yoda spend his time. He mostly just sits on his log, watching the Dagobah",1,en
how do you say thanksgiving in native american? last supper,1,en
Whats Wolverine's favorite genre of music? Metal.,0,en
Teacher : Why are you the only child in the classroom today? Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't have school dinners yesterday !,0,en
The Artist Formally Known As. Alive,1,en
"a peeping tom fell out if a tree , where did he end up? in the icu",0,en
Why did the case against the great dessert robber get thrown out? De minimis non curat lex.,0,en
How do you make swiss cheese in Chicago Hold it out the window,1,en
i love to give homemade gifts. which one of my kids do you want ?,0,en
What is a thespian pony? A little horse play!,0,en
"Do you want to know the secret to a good and long life? Well, if I told you it wouldn't be much of a secret, would it?",0,en
I am now Officially a Vegan Because I do not Love Animals I Hate Plants,1,en
"My wife decided to take up painting Not to be outdone, I became an art critic.",1,en
what do you call someone who's got a horse for a mother and a fruit for a father? a frenchman .,1,en
skills can be taught. character you either have or you don't have,1,en
"What's the Easter Bunny's favorite song? ""Don't you want some bunny to love""",0,en
What's every movie critic's favorite cooking ingredient? Michael Bay Leaves.,0,en
What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning? He was conducting.,1,en
"oh , you left me a voicemail? next time just tape a note to the door of the apartment i moved out of six years ago .",0,en
"there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently. the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything",1,en
"if you don't know me, don't judge me . unless you're making me a pizza and you say "" this woman looks like she wants extra cheese . "" that's ok",1,en
"my wife and i only disagree on the small things, like the importance of my happiness and whether anything i say matters .",1,en
What did the surrealist butcher name his shop? Salvador Deli,0,en
about to check facebook? let me save you some time . one of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach .,0,en
I took Microsoft to France. It became Microissant.,0,en
I just learned you need five sheep to make a sweater. I didn't know they knew how to knit,1,en
What is Shulk from Xenoblade's favorite thing to type? Back Slash!,0,en
What do Kodak film and John Lennon have in common? They both came in a yellow box,1,en
"well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ' supper ' so obviously it wasn't going to work out in the end .",1,en
Anyone else able to tie rope using telekinesis? Thought knot.,0,en
What do you say to a disabled person in December? Merry Cripmas.,0,en
"to my followers in florida in the path of the hurricane : remember to keep your phone charged. these tweets don't "" like "" themselves",0,en
"Not only Curt cobains career reached the ceiling. His brain did , too !",1,en
Why didn't Anna and Elsa's parents teach them the alphabet? Because they got lost at C.,0,en
"I am a janitor. They call me Dwayne ""The Smock"" Johnson",1,en
"when a wife is laughing at her husband's jokes, it means they have guests at home .",1,en
"Why do they call it ""Lipstick? .... ... When a woman can easily move her lips after she applies it",1,en
"The onion is like the bass player for food... it's not as good by itself, but you'd miss it if it wasn't there.",1,en
"I dated this metal chick once It was all cool for the first month, but then she started to rust.",0,en
"The nephew I'm babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.",0,en
what do you call an atheist cartoon? fedora the explorer,1,en
"Spelling is very important. It's the difference between ""trust in me"" and ""thrust in me"". ",1,en
I'm planning on opening a store that sells string instruments for children. I'm calling it 'Kiddie Fiddlers',1,en
"Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays, but no Scientific Holidays? Because science works. ",1,en
How Many People Died During WWII? Minions of them.,1,en
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me,0,en
"if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute",1,en
"My favourite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.",1,en
"Grandma liked to use smoke signals even right up to the end The last one ment ""I'm still alive stop the cremation",0,en
"If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything",0,en
click for joke! you're good looking .,0,en
What's the favorite drink of people who have Parkinson's? Milkshake.,0,en
Getting laid is like parking... When you can't find a good spot you stick it in the disabled one when no one is looking,1,en
"Did you know Elvis once worked at a dry cleaners? He specialized in treating denim. In particular, Elvis pressed Lees.",1,en
"What did the sweet potato say to the Israelites. ""I am but a Yam""",1,en
What's the difference between coriander and cumin? You can't coriander your pants.,0,en
The best women are like this thread. Locked. Come on automod. DO IT!,0,en
what's blue and square? an orange in disguise ! boom !,0,en
"my boss asked why he didnt see me at work on halloween . i told him i went as god . i clearly was never there, and all the work that got done i did not do .",0,en
Who wants to hear a Star Wars Spoiler? Darth Vader is Luke's dad.,0,en
James and Charles are always fighting and there's always no Victor.,0,en
"he who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances threedots",0,en
The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven. But a highway to hell says alot about anticipated traffic numbers,0,en
My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.,0,en
Why did the hipster where a toque in the summer? So he could say he wore it before it was cool.,1,en
what did the egg say when asked what a whisk does? beats me .,1,en
wanna hear a pun about long hair? rapunzel .,0,en
What did the poles do during world war two? They held the telephone wires off the ground.,1,en
"why are you walking like that? "" number one , i crashed my bike yesterday morning , and number two "" edit : grammar fix",0,en
My wife took a walk outside earlier I don't know how she got out the kitchen but atleast she left the dishes,0,en
"In the game of poker, you have to play the hand you're dealt. Unless it's a literal hand. Then it's a redeal.",1,en
"My deaf girlfriend just told me, 'We need to talk. ' That's not a good sign",1,en
"What does a networking robot say when returning from the bathroom? ""Sorry, I http""",0,en
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common? Princess Diana can't stop either.,0,en
I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don't ask me to babysit,0,en
"I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size. It was a narrow ""S"" cape",1,en
What's a dragon's favorite snack? A firecracker!,0,en
"I got my Bank Balance back today. It was a picture of a priest. I put it on a spitroast, so at least now I can say I'm turning a prophet.",1,en
why can't animals take tests? too many cheetahs !,0,en
I just saw a guy with a mustache exactly like my grandpa's. I doubt it was his though; grandpa never let anyone borrow his mustache,1,en
A guy goes to a record store to pick up a Meshuggah CD. but he can't because it's too heavy,1,en
What do boats and fourier transforms have in common? Both sinc when rect.,1,en
"Pepper sounds like paper, but... Unlike paper, pepper is actually edible! The names are confusing! Got it?",1,en
"Luke tried to open a pull door by pushing. He had an extremely confused ""luke"" on his face",1,en
"i'm going to start a band called control z we will play our songs, but start over half way through it .",1,en
how did the sailor stranded on an island with a calendar survive a year? eating the dates and sundays .,0,en
dishes are like boyfriends. my roommate should really stop doing mine,1,en
what person adds best in hot weather? a summer .,1,en
"No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.",1,en
What do you call when an unfamiliar woman jumped off a building? Unidentified flying object,1,en
what does a guy want more than anything in the world? it doesn't matter . he has to ask his wife first .,1,en
How do you compliment a girl with a cold sore? You tell her that her smile is contagious.,1,en
Why didn't George like driving through tunnels with people in his car? He didn't want to get carpool tunnel syndrome.,1,en
"life after death hey grandma , do you think that life after death will be beautiful? grandma : well that depends , who died",0,en
Great candy bar: Charleston Chew. Not as great: Myrtle Beach Masticator,1,en
When does Sean Connery like to show up at Wimbeldon? Tennish.,0,en
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge,1,en
What did One Direction say when they became popular? Zayn Ma Luck,1,en
Why were the flowers down? They were in full gloom ,1,en
When's a praying mantis not a praying mantis? When it's a praying mantisn't.,0,en
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.,1,en
My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska. He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait,1,en
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down.,0,en
I always cheated on my psychology tests... I don't know what that says about me.,1,en
A man starts having a heart attack mid flight... Person: Is anyone here a doctor? Vegan: I'm a vegan,1,en
"So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up? Fine. Suture self.",0,en
how do you know your man is cheating? when he drives by her place the wifi connects,0,en
What do you call an exam that a Biology major almost failed? Biodegradable.,1,en
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.,1,en
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle,1,en
"lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can't burp so they get mad and cry me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies",1,en
We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas,1,en
"What famous person is a huge fan of trees? ""Tim ber""ton",0,en
"a small bird made of oak be good if there was a related joke, wooden tit ?",0,en
What pokemon would you catch in Antarctica? Freezing.,0,en
What do a mystic and a hot dog vendor have in common? They'll both make you one with everything.,1,en
what runs all day but never gets tired? water .,0,en
how is your mom just like a laundromat? for a dollar in quarters she will take my load .,0,en
"come on , grandma! thank goodness for commas .",0,en
all knives are cutting edge technology. threedots or maybe just cutting technology,1,en
Do you love multiple trees? ...No. I'm mahogamous.,0,en
"If Cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?",1,en
How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend? He sent out a message in remorse code.,0,en
"Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn't actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas",1,en
What dog do other dogs tell their problems to? A complaint Bernard!,0,en
Women are like old TVs Sometimes you have to give it a good hit to get it working,0,en
what kind of pants do you buy for your pet chihuahua? shorts !,0,en
Hpw do you get through a crowded school quickly? Two trench coats and a friend.,0,en
wanna join my feminist group? we usually are outside for hours arguing over who get the hold the door open for everyone .,1,en
A man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers. succeeds,0,en
What happened to the over amorous clam? It pulled a mussel.,1,en
"i'm working on a fitness routine for insects. it's going well , but i'm still trying to work out the bugs",1,en
What did Euler find in his toilet? A natural log,1,en
Demi Lovato dodged a bullet and Mac Miller caught it. ,0,en
my girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink. apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after,1,en
"My OCD is so bad that, when someone falls asleep on a plane, I turn off their overhead light. And braid their hair",1,en
what looks like half a sandwich? the other half .,1,en
I don't like peanut butter. it just isn't my jam,0,en
why isn't soap cool? because it's basic .,1,en
how do you make apple jelly? google maps .,0,en
"Sidebar the Numbered Jokes joke, start linking reposts and numbering them For science",0,en
what's the best way to keep milk from turning sour? leave it in the cow .,0,en
what is an actor? a man who tries to be everything but himself,1,en
Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.,0,en
I like my dams the same why I like my women... Wet and full.,0,en
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!,0,en
"Next time you see your therapist, see how deep into the session you can go by only saying lyrics from Creed songs.",0,en
"what do we want ? to be less insecure ? when do we want it ? now! um , i think threedots soon , i guess ? is that weird ? when do people usually want it ?",0,en
"After countless scientific trials and errors, I have successfully turned back time. It's emit",1,en
What do you call a girl who sets fire to bank loans? Bernadette.,1,en
Q: What's the opposite of a somersault? A: A winter pepper.,0,en
Women like silent men. they think they're listening,1,en
What app do nervous ppl order on dates? Chicken Tinders.,0,en
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife,1,en
What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.,1,en
So a pregnant patient came in to the hospital after a 'huge gush of fluid'. So I asked if el nino or la nina was coming,1,en
Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.,1,en
I logged into Facebook in Ethiopia. The news feed was completely empty.,0,en
Q:What happens when your GF illegally downloads a movie? A:She becomes PirateBae,0,en
Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows? TL;DR,0,en
Why do blondes give more head in spring? They've heard that one swallow doesn't make a summer. ,1,en
why is lettuce my favorite vegetable? just cos .,0,en
What do women and Spotify ads have in common? They're both annoying and want your money.,1,en
"On the bright side, I'm relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.",1,en
"I just lost my job and was told I should apply for COBRA. I said okay, but I think the G.I. Joes are going to be very disappointed in me.",1,en
I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum ..and I was still worried! It never kicked in,0,en
"did you hear about the band the hipster liked? no , no you didn't .",0,en
What did the white high school dropout get for his birthday? A legacy scholarship for his second choice school,1,en
"I don't even bother filling out the ""From"" field on gift tags during Xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious",1,en
I didn't know the holocaust was called holocaust I think it was called evolution,1,en
"This girl I like said she didn't like bondage..... ....Me either, but you're the one who said No.",0,en
A robot had an accident and sustained a head injury. He was a bit upset,1,en
"free will is good, but free pizza is better .",0,en
Who always gets the familiy size bag of chips? Orphans,0,en
"Back in my day, we didn't have iPads. If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up",1,en
My dad told me to get out of bed and go to school. I said no because I couldn't take this lying down!,0,en
"Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts ""No this is Creative WRITHING class"" Other student squirms around on floor ""Very good Todd""",1,en
I've spent all day coughing today I've apologised to people saying sorry I've just come back from China.,1,en
I need you to pretend you're Swiss. Try to act neutral.,0,en
what can't a man with no arms break? his fall .,0,en
curious new Snapchat filter shows exact date and time of your death but refuses to be sent. then you notice: the time says five minutes ago,0,en
"You ask someone in France ""What time is it?"" They answer ""Eighty.""",1,en
"i just read a facebook ad that said "" come in a designer , leave a ceo. "" not sure why they're offering dating advice , but okay",0,en
what did the sausage say when it couldn't log on to the internet? if at first you don't succeed fry fry again,0,en
Hear about the guy that built a car out of a bank vault? He wanted to be a safe driver.,0,en
lpt: how to keep time on your hands get a watch .,0,en
"So, if someone who works for the Postal Service did an AMA and answered every single question... ...does that mean OP delivered?",1,en
"Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude? He always said ""Neigh""",1,en
How many startup CEOs does it take to change a light bulb? Change a light bulb? Pfft! We are game changers.,0,en
Marriage changed her. She got a new name and a dress.,0,en
"pizza hut ad : "" do you want the same old same old , or do you want the original? "" think about these words .",1,en
At Starbucks I order under the name Godot. Then leave,0,en
"hey, man . you used no capital letters and only one exclamation point to wish me happy birthday on facebook . is everything okay at home ?",0,en
Who is a vegetable and a fruit both ? Tim Cook ,0,en
"Whenever there is trouble, Justice League cums in a. Flash",1,en
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me. So I right her left there,0,en
what is the difference between a dancer and a duck? one goes quick on her beautiful legs the other goes quack on her beautiful legs .,0,en
"What's the difference between whiten't guys and automods Nothing, nobody likes them besides themselves.",0,en
when is a bread not kneaded? when it's unnecessary,1,en
My friend has just got back from Africa and isn't feeling well He keeps buying raffle tickets. Im worried he has tombola,0,en
My uncle died from a turtle stampede. It was a slow death,0,en
"Descriptivism is the right way of managing the English language, irregardless of what you think.",1,en
the end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. it's worse when it doesn't end after the end,1,en
"Superman: I got this Batman: I'll help S: Look, you just slow me down B: I'm a detective S:. B: I have batarangs S: Do you hear yourself",0,en
What did stevie wonder say when he saw a robbery in an alleyway... ........,1,en
what's the best fantasy book? a bible,0,en
What do you get when you combine an Asian and a meat grinder? What do you get when you combine an Asian and a meat grinder? Chop Suey,1,en
Caterpillars: Neither cats NOR pillars.,1,en
Theory: The Winter Olympics were invented by the cowbell industry.,1,en
Are you a hydroelectric source of power? ...cause dam!,0,en
"School Joke Principal: ""I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing? "" Johnny: ""Nothing, sir."" Principal: ""Exactly!""",1,en
"My wife had to buy some new bras, so I guess we'll be remortgaging our house again.",0,en
"i saw arnold schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg i said to him : "" i bet i know what your favourite holiday is . "" he said : "" you've got to love easter, baby . """,1,en
"I'm going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines I'm going to call it Poke, Mon",1,en
What do you call a depressed cow? A mooooope,1,en
What was Amanda Todd's favourite anime? Naruto.,0,en
"The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.",1,en
My impression of a New Zealand duck: Quick... Quick. Quick.,1,en
"Sorry about my two week Twitter hiatus, I was trying to find the end of the plastic wrap.",0,en
Went camping last weekend. Yeah it was intents,0,en
who invented rhetorical questions? how should i know,1,en
Miley Cyrus was recently found dead at a construction site. Her autopsy revealed her death came in like a wrecking ball,1,en
"the question is not what am i doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early ?",1,en
"Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: ""It's a corny show! We just don't get it!"" said one astrophysicist.",1,en
"George sent his wife Roxie a fine letter for Valentines Day It said ""Babe..."" ""You take my breath away.""",0,en
"And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men",1,en
What do my internet router and my grandfather have in common? Both have a SSID,1,en
Why doesn't Meghan Trainor eat salmon? Because she's all about that bass,1,en
"When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make? Guac!",0,en
Darth Vader should've married. A woman named Ella,0,en
What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs? A Cairopractor!,1,en
"I could've been a boxer, like my father. He could've been one too Source: Simon Munnery",0,en
"I'm all for people, places, and things. I guess you could say I am pronouns",1,en
I went to my highschool reunion and came across a woman I'd never seen before. Luckily she didn't notice,1,en
What is the opposite of Islam? Peace ,1,en
"oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing the internet on my phone",0,en
i just got a great new lab coat! the meat was pretty good too .,0,en
A good looking girl waved at me today. but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her,0,en
"i asked my friend if he ever went skiing . . . "" not in real life, only in florida . """,1,en
What did the creators of Good Burger call their vegan cooking show? Quinoa and Kale,1,en
"Just yelled ""out of my way monsters! "" at a flock of seagulls, so I'm done interacting socially for the day",1,en
If Apple made cars they would be Swedish. The car would be called the iKia,1,en
"you stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "" concentrate "" .",1,en
Why is history called history Because everything you are taught is basically a ReEeEeEeEe of the past,1,en
I don't have any of friends to share my video game screenshots with. Because I play video games,1,en
What do you call a German who cringes a lot? Vince,0,en
"the truth will set you free. unless chuck norris has you , in which case , forget it buddy !",0,en
Autocorrect makes me say things that. I didn't Nintendo,1,en
Which rabbit was a famous female aviator? Amelia Harehart.,0,en
what did they say about the computer at the bunny ranch? it may contain viruses .,1,en
"when i have a tough decision , i ask myself threedots "" what would jesus do? "" then , i remember how things turned out for him threedots and , flip a coin .",1,en
I think the large hand on my watch is lagging. Sloppy seconds,0,en
I put on a pretty expensive perfume and went into an Apple Store Everyone enjoyed; it is good they don't have any Windows.,1,en
"The student and the teacher. JACK: ""Would you punish me for something I didn't do? "" TEACHER:"" Of course not. "" JACK: ""Good, because I haven't done my homework ....""",1,en
What do you call a newborn baby girl ? Future dishwasher,1,en
Did you hear about the gambling nurse that's doin' hard time? She got booked for aiding and abetting.,1,en
"admit it , no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. we're all just too embarrassed to ask now",1,en
You know what's funny? An adjective.,1,en
"""I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..."" ""What will you do with a million watermelons? "" ""I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money.""",0,en
why did the hispanic become a mathematician? it takes juan to know one .,1,en
"If swimming is such great cardio, explain manatees.",1,en
"i've been doing home repairs. since i started using black caulk, i haven't gone back",1,en
What do you call a Downy who gets rejected? Chromozoned.,1,en
I read somewhere that Alligators only have to eat once every three weeks. if only that Disney Alligator could have waited one more day,0,en
what type of knot do you tie in space? an astronaut .,1,en
What was the root of the problem dark ages? The potato famine.,1,en
wow this vegetarian rock music is really good. it's like nothing i've ever herbivore,1,en
My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography. But it put her to sleep,0,en
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn't possibly have grown legs and walked away Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this,0,en
"my neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. it didn't sting him , luckily i got it first with my shovel",1,en
Local sausage restaurant starts a YouTube channel. Links in the description,1,en
"Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.",1,en
"I'm not apathetic, I prefer emotionally constipated.",1,en
"i guess my favorite book would haveta be ""being and nothingness"". i was halfway done before i even started reading",1,en
did you hear about the sheep who's young son carried him off the farm? he was on the lamb .,0,en
"You're right, homeless man on the subway. it is a ""clip your toenails into your McDonald's cup"" kind of morning",1,en
did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called jaws? it costs an arm and a leg to eat there !,0,en
"What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in ""A Link to the Past""? Hyruleglyphics.",1,en
"if at first you don't succeed, then maybe you should do it the way i told you to the first time .",0,en
when the victoria's secret fashion show comes on the tv. so do i,1,en
why are dolphins all friends with each other? they just click you know,0,en
Am i locked out Lets see if i am or not.,0,en
"My roommate said he was going to quite masterbating I asked how that was going. He said, ""I don't know man I just haven't been feeling myself.""",1,en
"What's the difference between James Dean and Jimmy Dean? Jimmy Dean is sausage in the skillet, James Dean was hamburger on the road.",0,en
A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese. and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath,0,en
How long does it take to sail from Dorne to Mereen? It Varys.,1,en
what do you call a woman who will sleep with absolutely anybody? public storage .,1,en
So If Jesus Could Heal People By Touching Them How does he heal someone with testicular cancer?,1,en
my boss told me not to bring my lunch to work in a brown paper bag. i told him that i'll drink my lunch how i want,1,en
"Sorry, I'm holding out for the Zune Mini.",0,en
whats does copy pasta taste like? the same,1,en
What's the most popular kids show in the middle east? Dora the explorer !,0,en
"Whats the difference between a quadriplegic, severely autistic child? People actually care for the child",1,en
"i got a dog and named it "" twenty miles "". this way i can tell people that i walk twenty miles everyday",1,en
who's the first irishman to come outside every spring? patty o'furniture,0,en
"QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between ""I do"" and ""You'd better!""",1,en
I heard that life made a new lemon cream flavored cereal When life gives you lemons.,0,en
"Username walks into a hotel... And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves. I guess you could say, Username checks out.",0,en
"The Sombero. A more restrained sombrero you wear at solemn occasions, like funerals",1,en
so i drew a perfect circle today. you could say i finally got around to it,0,en
"the doctors say i suffer from insanity , but they have it all wrong. i enjoy every minute of it",0,en
"My grandpa insists on playing chess on the beach, even in muddy, rainy weather. I think he likes dirty sand chess.",1,en
HOW DO YOU GET A TALKATIVE SHIRT TO BE QUIET? BUTTON IT UP,0,en
"Practice makes perfect. But only if you remove the A, the I, a C, add an F and an E and then rearrange the letters",1,en
"saint west, the patron of selfies",1,en
What's a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.,1,en
i can build things out of wood. canoe ?,1,en
Why do math textbooks only ever give you one angle in a triangle? Just cos.,1,en
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant,1,en
Minimalism. It's the least you can do,1,en
What's the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss........,1,en
have you heard that hilarious joke about hellen keller? neither has she .,0,en
"I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.",0,en
"Why did the Addams have the late man arrested? He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.",1,en
"my dog walked across my laptop keyboard and mashed a bunch of keys, but i didn't delete it because it's better than anything i wrote today .",0,en
Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations,1,en
What's the point of going to somebodys funeral? It's not like they are coming to yours.,0,en
What do you get when you run a canary over with the lawnmower? Shredded tweet.,0,en
How does Santa afford to make toys for kids all over the world? He fired his elves and set up shop in India to reduce labor costs,1,en
"Honey, am I fat? Of course not! You just interact a bit more with the Higgs field.",0,en
She was just five And we were five ,1,en
what hand do you wipe with? answer : left or right response : why not use toilet paper,1,en
"Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is ""married. ""nLike that's gonna stop me!",0,en
"After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order. That sail has shipped.",1,en
What does Dumbledore and a Catholic priest have in common? They both enjoy watching children play with their wands,1,en
I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes,1,en
Goldfish don't smile back after you step on them. The snack food doesn't smile back either.,1,en
what do you call a sleeping dinosaur? do you think he saurus,1,en
"the best way to get a job is to hold the other person's hand through the interview . if you don't get hired, no worries . you made a friend .",1,en
What do you get when you cross a loaf of bread with a buffalo? A buffaloaf.,1,en
"I'm not a recluse, I'm just playing hard to get with society.",1,en
What do you call bodypositive gender fluid people? Trans fats.,1,en
"i lost fifty pounds threedots unfortunately, i was in england at the time .",1,en
My uncle went to Ireland on holidays but didn't have time to go to Clare. He really wanted to see Moher,0,en
"Lindsey Lohan is going to be charged with a felony tomorrow. In other news, restaurants serve food",1,en
"Did you hear the one about the Virgin marrying the Supermodel? Yeah, me neither..",0,en
What's the difference between scavengers and mods They don't eat boners Women's history is our history.,1,en
Single men everywhere strain to make one major change this new year. their bed sheets,1,en
"Did Bonnie or Clyde drive their car? Clyde, because they died inside the car not because of it.",0,en
"eve : wrong hole ! adam : sorry , it's my first time . how do u know it's the wrong hole? no one has done this before , it's just us two you know",0,en
Did you know the Titanic was known for promoting charity? Everyone in the ship participated in the ice bucket challenge.,1,en
What do you call an unambiguous body of water? The Specific Ocean,1,en
"Whenever I start telling a procrastination joke, it's more satisfying to tell a deadpan one instead.",1,en
my doctor told me i had the big c. i asked him to be more pacific,1,en
a little poetry never killed anybody. but haiku keeps trying,1,en
how can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? a skunk uses a cheaper deodorant !,0,en
What do you get when an argument occurs on a camping trip? A tents atmosphere,1,en
There has been a multiple thefts of rubber bands in our office. I guess you can say we have a Rubber Bandit,1,en
"So a staircase said something to me the other day. Actually I lied, it just stared at me",1,en
what happens when you throw a green rock into the red sea? it gets wet .,0,en
this is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. those make me laugh,0,en
What did Mike Tyson say when he saw mold? That's growth.,1,en
What did the upset horse use to row his boat? A saddle.,1,en
"a guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people .",1,en
I hope I'm never behind Johnny Depp going through airport security. Watching him take off all those accessories would be sad,0,en
"who discovered Snickers. I'm on the Paleo diet, except I'm the caveman who discovered Snickers",1,en
Yyyyyyyyyyyy Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,1,en
"People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman",1,en
""" don't cry because it's over . smile because it happened . "" me, to my empty bag of oreos .",0,en
"I'm not paranoid, but I feel like there's someone reading this...",0,en
"Didn't think these orthopedic shoes would work, but I stand corrected.",1,en
What bank do birds open accounts with? The one with the most branches!,1,en
"Why do we still use this sub? We could easily just switch to a much better sub, with actually good moderators.",1,en
"a very very short joke bend over genie, a wish is a wish !",0,en
"hey , i lost my phone. if you find it , call or text me , would ya ?",0,en
Wynona Ryder was great in Stranger Things. She stole the show,0,en
I repaired my drums after my son broke it. Now he has to deal with the repercussions,1,en
"what do you call someone who does a ba in arts , a ma in english and a phd in gender studies? a well educated barista",1,en
"My ceramics teacher was excellent. Day after day, she was always kiln it",1,en
my girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. he confirmed i'm about to become a husband,1,en
"Have you seen that clip of the LGBT stripper who's incorporated martial arts into her routine? No? Well if you want to, just Google ""Gypsy Bruce Lee"".",0,en
"I never offered the German kid any Kool aid. Today he asked why. It turns out that he didn't say ""I hate juice"".",1,en
What country has the highest concentration of pool players? Irack.,1,en
"I went to get a haircut today... ...but I couldn't remember what I wanted off the top of my head, so I left.",0,en
My therapist told me that I'm bad at admitting my flaws. I am not!,0,en
"I'm suffering from a more rare kind of stomach ache. It's called Indiegestion, I doubt you've heard of it before",1,en
Most expensive musical instrument Jewish Piano,1,en
I would tell you an antimatter joke... ... but it doesn't matter,1,en
My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made So I sent her a solicited dip pic,1,en
Just spent ages waxing the car... Still not sure how it gets that hairy...,0,en
I was listening to a story about Princess Diana but it took a wrong turn,0,en
What's the cheapest kind of noodle you can buy? Penne.,0,en
i spent too much money on video games this month. all of my savings have gone up in steam,0,en
a good date ends with dinner. an excellent date ends with breakfast,1,en
"Just took an opposite selfie of something I saw. Elsie? Otherie? Seeie? Oh, photo. Got it.",0,en
"pro tip: if you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "" one second , "" wait more than one second before entering .",0,en
"I remember when I used to hang out with the lead singer for Limp Bizkit. They were the Fredst of times, they were the Durst of times",1,en
when is a school paper not a school paper? when it's turned into the teacher .,1,en
"I'm at the ear clinic. My name might've been called out. I have no idea. PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.",1,en
don't apologize because you haven't tweeted in a while. no one cared,0,en
"HEY DISNEY: If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly, why'd it fall off? Yeah, time to do some critical thinking.",0,en
did you hear about the author who wrote a book during her time of the month? it was a period piece .,1,en
"Happy Fat Tuesday. Or as your mother calls it, just another day",0,en
Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives,1,en
"Remind me to cancel my trip to the technology, education, and design conference Noted",0,en
"for health reasons, my doctor says i should avoid anything salty im gonna miss reddit",0,en
My life is like a repeating decimal. It would be a lot easier to figure out if it just terminated.,0,en
"What if ""baby daddy"" meant a father who was actually a very small baby? A little baby dad. Baby Dad, coming this fall to ABC Wednesday night",0,en
"In hindsight, we shouldn't have given the cat her own checking account.",1,en
That awkward moment when. When Mars has more water than California,0,en
Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin? They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.,1,en
"ok honey, you're going to love this movie. all you need to know is that ""robocop"" is short for ""robot cop""",0,en
Girls have two lips a horizontal and a vertical one.,1,en
"Lightning McQueen was given the choice between clam chowder and blue macaroni in the shape of his friend Okay, chow.",1,en
I survived a school shooting I cant believe I forgot to save a bullet for myself,0,en
What are Cephalopod Ghosts made of? Octoplasm.,1,en
i'm sick of pretending. i'm ready to tend !,0,en
a fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework. on the way to school,1,en
Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...,0,en
what do you call it when you stick a dried grape to the ceiling? raisin the roof !,0,en
"I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest",0,en
Is pizza with pineapples fine? To eat?,1,en
"i just asked my friend to come over and "" play husband "". he's gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea",1,en
"What did the insect say when he saw a gnat get hit? ""He did gnat see that coming""",1,en
"A man was in a supermarket.... and he saw a man. He went up to him and said ""I know you from somewhere, are you famous? "" The man replies ""no no no... I'm famYOU"".",1,en
What do male lawyers call a female barrister? A barista. Because she's only useful for getting coffee.,1,en
wanna hear something really disappointing? too bad .,0,en
how can you tell if a mechanic went home for lunch? one of his fingers is clean,1,en
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing,1,en
I love dark humor Dave Chapelle is hilarious,0,en
"If Jennifer Lawrence was a poet, what would her name be? Maya Ingenue",0,en
"whenever adobe flash tells me to update i download and install an even older version, that's my revolution",0,en
If you're drinking red bush tea Don't forget to squeeze the tampon,0,en
"On one hand, I'm intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking",1,en
"what's the difference between a mac user and a pc user mac users command, pc users control",0,en
What did Jarod from subway get on his first night in jail? A foot long,0,en
q : what's the best way to make pants last? a : make the jacket first .,0,en
"it's not that i'm afraid to die, i just don't want to be there when it happens .",0,en
I went to the supermarket dressed as a classical composer. Somebody asked me what I was Chopin for,1,en
"I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way",1,en
"looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online. Heinz site's a wonderful thing",0,en
What do you call a slave running away from a dairy farm? Nesquick,1,en
"So, I found three different sized socks while cleaning my room. That's odd",1,en
"your secrets are safe with me, because i probably wasn't listening to begin with .",0,en
"so i listened ""god is woman"" from ariana grande and i think she has the point . i mean they both dont exist, right ?",0,en
Why do dentists recommend jpeg? It is a flossy compression method.,1,en
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. However, you can certainly stand there until it gets thirsty",1,en
"My favorite colors are grey, dark grey, and really dark grey. Oh and black too.",0,en
What do you call when a girl lists out all her activities during her menstruation cycle? A Periodic Table.,1,en
"Doctor: ""The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions."" Me: ""Okay, I'm ready."" Doctor: ""You're not a cat.""",0,en
what does a programmer and a photo have in common? they develop better in the dark,1,en
is there a hole in your shoe? no . then how did you get your foot into it,0,en
feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? there's a nap for that .,0,en
Saw a band last night and the lead singer was in a wheelchair Safe to say it was a wheely good concert.,1,en
I do not have ADHD I have ADOS Attention Deficit. . . oo shiny!,0,en
Where do Angelfish swim? The Holy See,1,en
Did you hear about Ryan Seacrest's beard? Apparently she's a former Miss Teen USA.,1,en
"if we all just agree that we're fine, we'll never again have to ask each other how we are .",0,en
what do abraham lincoln and ryan fitzpatrick have in common? neither of them can finish a play,1,en
Armadillos are quite expensive. They usually cost an arm and a leg,1,en
Sup Up vote my post so I can make a subreddit that is better than this one.,0,en
"with the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior .",1,en
Where do otters come from? Otter Space!,0,en
"Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.",1,en
"A funny thing I like to do is yell 'God, not your WHOLE hand' when the doctor does a pelvic exam.",1,en
"I don't need to lie. But, sometimes, I like to give the truth an extreme makeover",1,en
I feel real bad for this homeless dude But I feel more bad for his dog that thinks it's one long walk,0,en
I just invented a new catch phrase What's yer Rush Limbaugh? Get back to me immediately and tell me if you love it or just like it.,0,en
"what's an orphan's favorite ipone? iphone x, because it doesnt have a home button",0,en
"I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you ... even you.",0,en
Why are librarians so shy? Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious.,1,en
what type of shoes do artists wear? sketchers,1,en
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked,1,en
What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation? A Chernobel Prize.,1,en
"He: ""So where do we go, my place or yours?"" She: ""We do both. I go to mine and you to yours.""",1,en
"I had a good Jew joke but I lost it, Just like my pennies",1,en
"Did you hear the new classical piece of music commissioned by the church? It's called ""I slipped and fell in A minor"".",1,en
The parachute making business must be great! Because nobody ever comes back to complain about a failed chute,1,en
They changed something in the matrix. and now all the eigenvalues are wrong,1,en
My German classmate was roasting my Israeli one So history does repeat itself after all,1,en
What do you call someone missing chromosomes who knows karate Partial artist,1,en
My sister just told me Ariana Grande is on fire with her new songs. I told her her fans were also on fire,1,en
"i'm not saying i've gained weight, i'm just saying i don't think my belt buckle should be facing the ground threedots",1,en
what's the best part of a movie? the climax .,0,en
"What's a nanny's favorite letter? I don't know, but it's not E.",0,en
What's the difference between spiders and ticks I can't force spiders to live in my brain.,1,en
How do rugs fall in love? They get swept off their feet. ,1,en
"A sign language interpreter said to his customer. My apologies, my finger got stuck between the door so I may have a bit of a lisp",1,en
"Why shouldn't you use red, white, and blue paint in a watercolor? Because these colors don't run",1,en
My cousin has ADHD... But to be honest I can't tell the difference between that and normal TV...,1,en
"my wife's nickname for me is "" microsoft "" because i'm good with computers . right honey? hold on guys , she's not done laughing .",1,en
What do toilets yell when they ride roller coasters? Weeeeeeeee!!!,1,en
To Brie or not to Brie. That is the queso,0,en
how do you impress a girl? by growing up .,1,en
why does little timmy keep throwing up gang signs? because he ate too much of them .,1,en
What did the whale say to the divers Whalecome to the ocean,1,en
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? A rash of good luck ,0,en
What is white with black dots? A cotton field from above,1,en
teacher : i'd like a room please . hotel receptionist : single sir? teacher : yes but i am engaged .,0,en
Where did Robin Williams go after he died? To the Mork.,0,en
""" how did you sleep? "" "" on my back , mostly . at one point i tried to climb into my dryer but i couldn't fit . """,1,en
why couldn't the clock be kept in jail? because time was always running out .,0,en
"a man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head . "" what happened to you? "" the doctor asks . "" i stepped on something . """,1,en
"I remember when ""Something's eating up data. "" meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled",1,en
"sorry i said "" what is it? "" when you showed me your baby .",0,en
"Just once, I'd like to see a cactus that isn't flexing.",1,en
I went to a mock trial recently and I was really disappointed. I didn't get to mock anyone,1,en
what time does andy murray go to bed? tennish !,0,en
"if i wake up early, it's only because there are a lot of things i want to eat that day .",1,en
"""Give me a moment"" ""Give me a moment,"" says the physicist as he sits in his desk chair. He wonders why nobody has spun him around yet",1,en
"I'm out of coffee until tomorrow, but I just saw three squirrels doing it together so I guess my Monday's balancing out pretty well.",1,en
What do fortnite and suicidal people have in common The suicidal people don't activate their glider,1,en
"What was the best highlight of the latest Amy Schumer comedy show? Oh. Know what, never mind.",0,en
"My kids are always complaining about something. Like earlier, they said they didn't wanna sleep in the basement anymore.",1,en
Made a polll a little longer... I stretched the L out of it,0,en
"wife and daughter are out of town, which means i'm the man of the house now .",0,en
what's the easiest way to end a friendship? just asking for a friend,1,en
"i put on my favorite disco album yesterday . my wife tried telling me disco was dead . i said "" no honey, it's not . you're thinking of your mother .",1,en
"I named my dog ""five miles"" so I can tell people that I walk five miles every day. Today, I ran over five miles.",1,en
When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!,1,en
i met a man who gets turned on by conversation today. we were talking and it just came up,0,en
how do you make an elephant sandwich? first of all you get a very large loaf threedots,0,en
Whats a printer's favorite sandwich? A paper jam sandwhich,1,en
If it wasn't for the sun and electricity it would be lights out for everyone,1,en
If a Prius goes into a drift. Does that mean it's the electric slide,1,en
"Sometimes I like to go into my den and look at all my trophies from high school. They all say the same thing. ""Please let us go. We won't tell anyone.""",1,en
teacher : what is the difference between lightning and electricity? alexander : i know you do not have to pay for lightning .,0,en
I keep hearing this phrase a lot around here: Echo Chamber,1,en
"is it just me, or are there other people ?",0,en
Why was the cake afraid of mobsters? He knew they were going to ice him.,1,en
Yesterday I tried to loosen a rusty lug nut. But it didn't turn out,1,en
"til that i'm dyslexic. whoops , wrong bus",0,en
why is a river really rich? it's got two banks .,1,en
"People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I've never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal",1,en
"How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb? ""In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in Hawaii dealing exactly with this issue.""",1,en
"On soy milk cartons, the missing kids are always named ""Skylar"" and were last seen getting into a Prius",1,en
What do you call a master at guessing Anime characters? Guesu,1,en
What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint? Five Guys.,0,en
"There are times when I miss my ex so much, I wish I could remember where I hid her body.",0,en
What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners? Use the forks Luke.,1,en
Where did Fleetwood Mac go after the terror attack? Everywhere,1,en
"Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.",0,en
I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season. So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan,0,en
"don't you hate it, when you offer someone help and the other person says yes",0,en
why shouldn't you ever have an argument with mobius? because they're always so one sided !,0,en
"did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named lasagna ?",0,en
"He: How are you? Me: Thanks, but I'm too old for you He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov... Me: Just keep telling yourself that",0,en
They call me Danimals Because I put the d in animals,1,en
What do you call a quadriplegic in the ocean? Bob...,1,en
"Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it's called ""I can't believe it's not Jesus""",1,en
Why does Tom Cruise like Scientology? It's given him a great cult following,1,en
My new girlfriend is amazing in the bedroom. She goes down on me more than the EA servers,0,en
why are teachers happy at halloween parties? because there's lots of school spirit !,0,en
I got a paper cut writing my suicide note. its a start,0,en
Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?,1,en
"in almost every situation, nutella makes a great substitute for love .",1,en
What grows in the winter? The number of deaths among the homeless,1,en
You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say? Poetry,1,en
why did my friend throw my computer out the window? so a dell could message me and say hello from the other side .,1,en
What do bees and my thighs have in common? They both sting..,1,en
hi and welcome to the hidden chair club. please find a seat,0,en
"By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert ""University. "" Standard text messaging rates apply",1,en
What do you call an educational video game about dolphins? Entertainment with a porpoise!,1,en
"i made a tech joke q : what did one device say to the other? a : are you syncing what i "" m syncing",0,en
Why was Beethoven making a lot of money? His property was Fur Elise,0,en
how do you make a cookie dance? throw a little dough at it !,0,en
I saw a viral video today. It taught me a lot about STDs,0,en
what do you call a bee that gets engaged? a beyonce .,1,en
why are steam trains naughty around christmas? they're hoping santa will give them a lump of coal .,1,en
ama request: kurt cobain oh threedots oh yeah thats right .,0,en
What do you call a boat whose captain has no idea what he's doing and works for free? The Internship,1,en
I showed my ex my Chris brown impression yesterday It was a real hit,1,en
"if i've learned anything from twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on twitter .",0,en
how much onion does dad use in his bolognese? shallot,0,en
what begins at the end and ends at the beginning? back to school ads,1,en
Marriage Protip: dipping your wife's hand in warm water while she sleeps provides a good excuse to buy a new mattress and upgrade your bed situation.,1,en
My girlfriend has thrush. Guess it's beef cheeks with mushroom sauce tonight.,1,en
what do polar bears have for lunch? ice burger !,0,en
I never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig. It's disconcerting,1,en
"Heads up guys, if you ask your wife how to spell menage a trois she's gonna want to know why.",1,en
What do you get when you put the entire South Carolina cheerleading team in one room? A full set of teeth.,1,en
Why was Ygritte happy she didn't marry Jon snow? Because she didn't want six inches of snow all year long.,0,en
"the tip of my tongue is sore, and i just can't think of why that is .",1,en
"I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.",0,en
Biological Niqqas Like: I BuIlT mYsElF fRoM tHe MuD bItCh.,1,en
a wise statistician once told me: be thankful you have more hands than average .,1,en
are you guys ok? i haven't heard from you all year .,0,en
My girlfriend was mad at me because I broke her bed. It's not my fault I dont fit in a crib.,0,en
"Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder",0,en
Is this why we're in a recession? Because babies were trading our stocks,1,en
"Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.",1,en
"fact: if you eat a slice of pizza fast enough , your body won't understand how many calories are in it .",1,en
"did you know that no matter how much you move a piece of paper, it remains stationary threedots",0,en
What did the dog say to the podiatrist after the diagnosis? Nothing... there was an uncomfortable paws.,1,en
i was once in a play called breakfast in bed . did you have a big role? no just toast and marmalade .,0,en
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause !,0,en
what kind of dog sounds like you can eat it? a sausage dog !,0,en
"although "" appreciate the little things "" is good life advice, it's not something to say in bed .",1,en
What did the homeowner say to the fruit growing gardener? Water me lawn,1,en
i hope i get a watch for christmas! because there's no present like the time .,0,en
"The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice",1,en
So apparently yesterday was middle child day. Nobody noticed,0,en
so avicci died he found finaly out where the journey ended ,1,en
Life is like a board game My parents always beat me.,1,en
What do you call chickpeas cooked in a waffle iron? Fawaffle!,0,en
What do you call an astronaut who loves himself? A NASAccist!,1,en
"Daddy, where do bananas come from? Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other...",0,en
"stephen hawking believes he's solved a huge mystery about black holes threedots and he'll keep believing as long as we all play along , ok? he's adorable .",1,en
How do you make a cheese puff? Chase it around the block.,0,en
i was texting my friend about why how i loved eating my family and pets. it was then that i learned of the importance of commas,1,en
What did the abacus say to the adding machine? Calc you later!,0,en
falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks. i've never even seen a shark near a vending machine,1,en
"What do a baby and an Etch A Sketch have in common? If you don't like it, you just shake it and start over.",1,en
"Not to brag, but I've already had two pretty sweet dates this weekend I'm surprised how much they added to my smoothie.",1,en
"did you hear about the one about the heart and stomach? nevermind , it's an inside joke .",1,en
"A kid unplugs his grandfather's life support machine When he was asked why did he do so, He said ""We can just recharge him back later after my phone"".",1,en
I heard a rumor that Mega Man X was partnering with the soft drink industry and introducing a new character to the series. Coke Zero.,0,en
why couldn't the glue hold the walls together? because it wasn't ceiling .,0,en
Today I told my girlfriend she should really join Reddit cause. We'd be on the same page,0,en
"Did you see that awesome joke on reddit? Yeah, I reddit..",0,en
I don't think I'm going to have children I don't like the way they taste,1,en
Hubs: You didn't do anything today did you? Me: I did the dishes. Hubs: There was only one. Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy,0,en
"i'm taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. if i can't lose them there , i'll try the mall again",0,en
did you hear about that mathematician who only used furniture made out of clocks? he loved his times tables .,1,en
"you know who else had a "" fun hat phase ""? abe lincoln . and we all know what happened to that guy",0,en
"what song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work? hi ho , hi ho , it's off to work i go !",0,en
"my friend recently bought an invisible pencil. personally , i can't see the point",1,en
why do little boys whine? because they're practicing to be men .,1,en
"my daughter doesn't know i put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won't know i took it out and am eating it now .",0,en
Little known fact: Most Star Wars' space fights filmed in a church Pew Pew Pew,1,en
"What is the difference between a dentist and a New York baseball fan? One yanks for the roots, the other roots for the Yanks.",1,en
Why did the guy give up connecting his controller to his Xbox? He was syncing too much time into it.,0,en
Why are rainbows always so cheerful? Because they just got out of a prism,1,en
A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery,1,en
What do you call a witch's garage? A broom closet.,1,en
What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? His and Hearse.,1,en
what happened when the host of dirty jobs said hello to a friend that was fairly far away? microwave .,1,en
I think mascots are the hardest roles for actors to play. They really have to get into their characters,1,en
"my wife said that if anything ever happened to her , she'd want me to meet someone new. apparently , getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "" anything """,1,en
"I've been called ""Poindexter"" for different things. Does that make me ambipoindextrous",1,en
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences? Because there is a lot of reposting to do.,1,en
What do you call a young plastic covered sheep? Laminated,1,en
All these years I thought I was amazing in bed Today I found out that she had asthma.,0,en
"Captain Oveur: Say Joey, you ever been in a cockpit before? Joey: No Sir, but I have been in a chicken coop.",0,en
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache,1,en
"I'm getting tired of all these Nepal jokes. Come on guys, shake things up",1,en
What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure? A cardiovirgin,1,en
What did the ant say when he walked into the insurance office? Insure ants,1,en
Why did the lizard go on a diet? It weighed too much for its scales !,1,en
dear monday: i wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how i feel .,0,en
"Brie Larson deserves an Oscar Not for her acting in Endgame, but for her acting like a victim",0,en
"according to the bible , women's first mistake was listening to the devil. man's first mistake was listening to the woman",1,en
how does a woman scare a gynecologist? by becoming a ventriloquist !,1,en
If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things. I would choose the ladder,1,en
"My sexuality is like classic literature. There's not really any action, and most people are just confused by it",1,en
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson? A gap in coverage.,1,en
Two paraplegic guys get into a fight.. Is it still considered beef?,0,en
why don't women need umbrellas? because it doesn't rain in the kitchen .,1,en
what's worse than being uncomfortable at the hospital? being made comfortable .,1,en
What noise does a Russian Sheep make? It Blyats.,1,en
i never picked my nose. i was born with it,0,en
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets. I'd hate to toot my own horn,1,en
"if i say i'm going to meet my maker, it's just me having lunch with my parents .",1,en
My Mom was a radiologist. She met my Dad when he came in for an Xray. I wonder what she saw in him.,1,en
If your phone gets lost and a noble soul returns it to you. Its time to change your phone,0,en
"I'm writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome",1,en
"laying in bed with the wife last night , she asked "" what would you like to do most to my body? "" identify it "" probably wasnt the right answer",1,en
"The Bard's barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut. And every time, William spake ""shears.""",1,en
So I played the German National Anthem at the French embassy The flag turned white,1,en
"What did the Circle say to the Square on the bus? ""Oh no! I've got on the Rhombus!""",1,en
"Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??",0,en
The emojis were first invented in Japan Think it's a coincidence they're yellow?,1,en
"They always tell me, ""Measure twice. Cut once""... ...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by.",1,en
he's street smart. sesame street smart,0,en
my cat tried to knock over my tv this morning. why are my best friends fighting ? !,0,en
lion king is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. being framed for murder,1,en
how do know if the person that you have just met is a dj? they will tell you .,1,en
"'I'm sure it's just water, ' I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.",0,en
What do you call a protein that has anger management issues? Amino acid!,1,en
Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms? The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.,0,en
how do we fix boxing? we can't . it's already fixed .,1,en
"I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.",1,en
"A roofer is working on a house and makes a mistake and falls through the ceiling and into the house. One of the guys inside says, ""nice of you to drop in.""",1,en
I'm only putting a picture of me in my locket. This proves I'm independent,1,en
how many bones are there in a graveyard? a skeleton .,0,en
"some mathematicians are on the negative side, while others are quite positive .",1,en
"I took a girl back to my flat. ""You haven't removed many bras have you?"" she sighed. ""What gave it away?"" ""The scissors, mainly.""",1,en
What do you call a french man who's been attacked by a bear? Claude,0,en
Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny. because they didn't make a lot of sense,1,en
Church Play Priest:Children we are going to do a play.I'll be Moses.Timmy take off your pants. Timmy:Why? Priest:You will be the red sea.,0,en
"A Gnome Joke What do you call a gnome who's highly fashionable and likes to produce regular, metrical beats? A Metrognome",1,en
Dating your Ex again is like buying your clothes back from Goodwill. There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place,1,en
"if apple designed a house , what would they not install? windows threedots",0,en
"Two Scotsmen walk past a baker One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue? ' The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'",1,en
Why do astronomers eat steak before skywatching? They're hoping for meatier showers,1,en
What's the hardest part of maths for a foreigner? Integration,1,en
"teacher : i wish you'd pay a little attention , david. david : i'm paying as little as i can , teacher",0,en
"The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar. My life has been pretty uneventful since",1,en
How does a cat tell time. In meowers,1,en
I keep asking what LBGTQ stands for.... I never get a straight answer.,1,en
"if you think about all the people you didn't marry, you've had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world",1,en
Star Wars Casting Did you hear Carrie Fischer is going to be in the new Star Wars movies? She is going to be the new Jabba the Hutt!,0,en
"Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.",1,en
"You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can't make it snuggle.",0,en
If sea turtles eat plastic How many of them do we need to clean the ocean!,0,en
Why did the elk cry at the funeral? He had lost a deer friend,1,en
Who delivers pizza in the hood? Popo John's,0,en
"god must be a woman because just like my wife, she's always right",0,en
"What do we want? TO BE LESS INSECURE? When do we want it? NOW! Um, I think... Soon, I guess? Is that weird? When do people usually want it?",0,en
what technology are old people better at using than young people? life support .,1,en
You know what they call the strategy involving freshmints while playing a game of timed tic tac toe? The tic tac tick tick tic tac toe tactic,1,en
When we have vaccine for Corona? When?,1,en
Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!,1,en
Being Anne Frank must have been rough. Normal teenaged girls are mortified when their diary gets released to the public. She was in ashes!,0,en
Everyone's always talking about our forefathers. I'm pretty sure there were more than that,1,en
Scientists have found out. after they were shown the exit,1,en
"The other day, I was questioning the state of my sanity... ... but the unicorn and the gummy bear told me I was okay.",0,en
Why was a happy couple weary to kiss at the gas station? They were scared of sparks flying.,1,en
I usually like to go fishing. Just for the halibut,1,en
"Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar Hamburglar: you've got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You're thinking of hamburgerburglar",1,en
"What did the french food critic say when he was given a savoury pancake? ""It's crepe""",1,en
Where do jeans live? In Pantsylvania.,0,en
I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight. It's probably not a good night to go to jail,1,en
So the business man turned into a priest. He talks alot about his new profit,1,en
I've been saying 'mucho' more when talking to my Hispanic friends. It means a lot to them,1,en
"Why are art schools hiring everyone nowadays ? Because the last time they rejected someone , it put the whole world in jeopardy",1,en
Santa came last night. My face is still sticky.,0,en
"Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.",1,en
How do Jewish turtles greet each other? Shellom.,1,en
Did you hear about the Parisian who jumped off a bridge? He went in Seine.,1,en
My grandma got breast cancer and is getting a mastectomy. That's certainly a weight off her chest,1,en
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money,1,en
Why is the paper glowing? Because the paper is light.,1,en
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.,1,en
"Me: ""I bought my girlfriend a plant."" Kid: ""Is it real or fake?"" Me: Fake Kid: Of course, and what about the plant?",1,en
"My doctor just told me I've got hypochondria. I said 'Oh no, not that as well.'",1,en
"Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations. ""Our son is covered in pentagrams! "" Well maybe he's just allergic to dairy.",1,en
What do French athletes wear? Jaques straps,1,en
What do you call a fishing rod in sand? Sandy hook,1,en
So a lumber jack was severely injured this evening. It was quite the accident,1,en
"Scientists believe the world began with the ""Big Bang"". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a ""bad case of gas""",1,en
"To avoid the bIack Automod Just type bIack with a capitale ""i""",1,en
"There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.",1,en
"what do the greeks sing while at sea? your boat , gently down the stream threedots",0,en
"Wish me Luke! It's like luck, but with more force.",0,en
What do you say if you meet a toad? Wart's new,1,en
"What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors? A free upgrade",0,en
A crocodile goes to the doctor. It turns out the crocodile was suffering from ereptile dysfunction,1,en
"a farmer won a million dollars playing the lottery, he was really excited looking at his bank account threedots threedots it now showed zero dollars .",0,en
q : what goes up but doesn't come down? a : a kangaroo stuck in a tree .,0,en
What do you call a very forgiving lawyer? S'aul Good man.,1,en
"Accidentally got a girl wet last night. So, I put her in a bag of rice and didn't turn her on again for five days.",0,en
mcdonald's is opening their first restaurant in india. employees must ask if you want flies with every order,1,en
"My girlfriend is pregnant. Okay now, My girlfriend was pregnant.",0,en
"You are dark and handsome; When it's dark,you are handsome.",0,en
What piece of bedding can also be known as a Mexican blanket? the underlay! underlay!,0,en
My aunt passed away recently. She died of adult onset sudden infant death syndrome,0,en
I'm so tired of seeing cheesy puns on reddit all the time. I swiss they would just stop already,0,en
"i was asked to help design the first monopoly board threedots i thought, i'll give it a go .",0,en
I pulled a baby up from the bottom of a pool today. Sadly it didn't live. I guess I shouldn't have used a harpoon,1,en
How is Wolverine's love life similar to a mishap at the laundromat? Someone else goes home with their Jeans.,0,en
"mechanic hey , have you ever heard of that hard working car mechanic that specializes in engines and the back of cars? they say he gets very exhausted .",1,en
teacher : if you saw me standing by a witch what fruit would it remind you of? pupil : a pear .,1,en
What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help? Bro sure!,0,en
"""Edge of Tomorrow"" is about a guy who's forced to relive the same thing over and over and over again, day after day after day. I can't relate at all",1,en
"me : omg i can't breathe i ate way too much call a doctor her : do you want dessert? me : ok , but just a small slice .",0,en
"if my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college",1,en
you said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. well neither can a fence !,0,en
The FOX is now airing on this sub The Simps,0,en
What do you call a cantaloupe who can't elope? A cantaloupe. The spelling is completely different...,1,en
Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!' Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!',1,en
why are there fish at the bottom of the sea? cos they dropped out of school .,0,en
What type of pasta is no longer used in Canada? Penny ...,1,en
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that,1,en
"middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy",1,en
i asked my dog to marry me and he said no. i am stuck in man's best friendzone,0,en
"If I had a slice of bread for every gender there is.... I'd be able to make a sandwich, but that's a women's job.",1,en
"What was eating away at the computer's RAM storage? I don't know, but it was going at it one byte at a time.",1,en
my husband and i have been in an open marriage for five years. i hope he's ok with it when he finds out,1,en
"I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food",1,en
"A man goes to a doctor for a check up. The doctor asks him if he has any sexually transmitted diseases. To which the man replied, ""Yes. I have two children.""",1,en
"i quit watching awards shows, because i never win anything .",1,en
My dad works on Nukes and told me this today What dessert was served during the Manhattan Project? Yellow Cake,1,en
"knock, knock . who's there ? dishes . dishes who ? dishes the police come out with your hands up .",0,en
"to help reduce cost, this status was typed in china .",1,en
"a man gets into an accident in which both his ring fingers are cut off. needless to say , his wife was shocked",1,en
Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense. You could say it was a vague rant,1,en
do you whats amazing? spiderman,0,en
"I was very proud when my teacher said I got the highest marks in the end of year exam... Though like everyone else in the class, I also failed.",1,en
"How are cell phones like babies? Every time you drop them, they get a little slower.",1,en
did you hear they are still going to run the new york marathon? phelps is the favourite .,1,en
"A man is with his wife. Just look at the first comment, the joke is probably better",1,en
How many billionaires does it take to create a superhero? Three: two to die and one to never get over it.,1,en
Idea: An animated sitcom where the characters age and change clothes.,1,en
does the easter bunny like baseball? oh yes . he's a rabbit fan !,0,en
I'd say the Amazon wildfire needs more mass media coverage But I think its spreading pretty fast already,1,en
How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant? Two men a nite.,1,en
Why did the queen go to the dentist? To get her teeth crowned. ,1,en
"Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate? He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.",1,en
like most movies. my uncle showed me big things in his trailer,1,en
"what's the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind? one is the art of the fold , the other , the fart of the old .",0,en
why was most of jesus ' walk downtown very awkward? because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross .,1,en
What's Harambe's favourite retail store? Target,0,en
Q: How did the hot dog vendor tackle his job? A: With relish.,0,en
"If I were an astronaut, I'd want to be one for the Bahamas because I really don't want to take the risk of actually going into space.",1,en
What kind of cake did Noah enjoy? Mabul cake.,0,en
Our teacher talks to herself does yours? Yes but she does't realise it she thinks we're actually listening !,0,en
"Elton John just launched a women's lingerie line. ""And you can tell everybody this is your thong""",1,en
What is an astronomer? A night watchman with a college education.,1,en
What do you call a Battlefront without EA? Bttlfront,1,en
How many palindromes do I know of? Not a ton,1,en
"My wife sighed, ""Why does everything have to be a game with you?"" I answered, ""An excellent question sweetheart!""  ""But next time, please use the buzzer!""",1,en
Every thousand years the long rain comes. And with it come the wet walkers,0,en
How did the pollock die raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.,0,en
What is Victoria's Secret? 'Her' real name is Victor!,0,en
did you hear the one where the scotsman gave his son some money? neither did i .,1,en
"my girlfriend wants to be in a long distance relationship, according to this restraining order .",1,en
What do you call an all you can eat pizza buffet? Carb Blanche!,1,en
what do you call a chicken you own? a personal fowl,1,en
"The hurricane coming in is called Joaquin. When it leaves, does it Joaqout?",1,en
Is fashion all about clothes? Apparelently.,1,en
"A friend has a fear of pi. I keep telling him it's irrational, but he doesn't listen.",1,en
"I have an intense fear of hiccups Luckily, I only ever have one.",1,en
"By now, I've stopped calling it ""sandwich"" meat and started calling it ""stand in front of the fridge and eat it out of the baggie"" meat.",1,en
My computer crashed. Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening,0,en
What's yellow has long ears and grows on trees? The Easter Bunana!,0,en
"Treadwell walked into a Biloxi stationery store and asked ""Have you got any invisible ink?"" ""Certainly sir"" said the owner. ""What color?""",1,en
Body: All done? Brain: All done. Body: goodnight Brain: goodnight Body: Brain: Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude,1,en
I used to have Multiple Personality Disorder. But now we don't,1,en
"i love emoji. no longer do i have to type out "" this weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes """,0,en
I thought about making a Joke about Marina's Trench But that would be too deep,0,en
"Men of Culture I found my daddy's lost wedding ring while fingering my two year old sister. ""Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well""",1,en
Anyone want to come over and watch my favourite historical comedy? Shindler's List,0,en
How lonely are you? I'm so lonely I go to the batting cages to play catch.,1,en
"When I take my wife on dates, I don't open the door for her. It's not that I'm not chivalrous, it's just that the door on the bus opens itself",1,en
"""Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead"" she hexed.",0,en
"The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. Whenthe instructor said, ""Compile,"" Gomer went to the head of the class",1,en
always watch your step on an escalator. i once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half,1,en
going down on a woman is the best. the way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time threedots,0,en
"I asked my German professor... ...""can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers? "" She replied, ""nine."" ""Well, thanks anyways,"" I said.",1,en
I like to put grilled chicken in my egg and cheese stuffed breakfast burrito. Nothing warms my heart and stomach more than reuniting a mother and child,1,en
"Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL. ""Your crush"" has added you to list ""Friend Zone""",1,en
"as soon as the inauguration is over , i'm getting a position on trump's ethics committee. i'm not political , i just need some quite time alone",1,en
What Social Media site do the undead use? Tomblr.,1,en
happy thanksgiving reddit! let us all give thanks to the day jesus ate turkey with the pilgrims .,0,en
I see there's going to be a new PeeWee Herman movie on Netflix. It's a good thing it won't be in theaters,0,en
"mick jagger : hey keith , come hold my new baby. keith holding baby , whispers to it : i'm going to out live you too",0,en
chief running water had two sons . what were their names? hot and cold .,1,en
What brand of underwear do thermometers wear? Kelvin Klein,1,en
"They say the hardest thing a child experiences is a loss of a parent Although my time with the church, my pastor shoved something harder down my throat.",1,en
I dream of becoming a selfie photographer. I can just picture myself doing it,1,en
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don't know. Prove me wrong.,0,en
What do you call it when a cow goes on holiday? A vaccation,1,en
"What's something that the inventor doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use, and the user doesn't know about it? A casket",1,en
"If I could be indestructible for a day, its scary how many sharks I'd make out with.",1,en
"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose but you might not be able to do either if your hands are severely disfigured.",0,en
"My wife says I've placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.",0,en
I'm not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them,0,en
What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion.,1,en
One man's fish... .. is another man's poisson,0,en
daughter announced there will be rain for thanksgiving. we usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better,1,en
"why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? just like me , they long to eat your sandwiches .",1,en
q : why did the bird get a ticket? a : it broke the law of gravity !,0,en
"Short and Funny Marriage Jokes Woman to her husband while at it: ""Please say dirty things to me!"" Man: ""Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."" ",1,en
Sergeant Miller! Yes sir? I didn't see you at the camouflage training yesterday! Thank you sir!,0,en
What do you call it when you keep wiping but brown still shows? The Trail of Smears,1,en
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment. I wouldn't recommend it,1,en
You never realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper is a good example,1,en
"I used to work for Goodyear, but I had to quit. I got too tired",0,en
"If you really think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would be pretty much the greatest thing ever.",0,en
Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom,1,en
Welcome to your forties. Get ready to be too tired for pretty much everything that brings joy in life,0,en
Why did the spreadsheets get divorced? They just couldn't sort things out.,1,en
Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor... Old but classic!,0,en
i got a new fridge today. it's pretty cool,0,en
everyone always talks about the early bird . how about the early worm? how'd that work out for him,1,en
What effect does global warming have on Pennsylvania? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.,1,en
"me : there has to be a way i can lose weight ! friend : eat healthy ? exercise ? me : no , that's not it. keep thinking ! we'll figure this out",0,en
me : i think this diet is gonna work. cheese : no,0,en
What is an owls favorite subject in school? Owlgebra ,0,en
What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik,1,en
"The Cincinnati zoo has honey bees, sweat bees, carpenter bees, bumble bees. But no Harambe",1,en
"No matter how loud car alarms are, cars never seem to wake up.",1,en
"Mustard and Migos's song Pure Water was so fire, That it became steam.",1,en
"""Again with that slow, lordly smile. Perfectly shaped for Luc's fist."" I quoted. Randomly I quoted, as she begged to be fisted.",1,en
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early. It was a picture of her at the airport,1,en
"What did the astronomer say to the telescope in lingerie? ""Hubble, Hubble.""",1,en
How did Kikkoman soy sauce move production to China? They outsauced it.,1,en
"Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.",0,en
"What do you call a Tyrone without a Leg normal,his BBC makes up for it",1,en
Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough,0,en
what's pink and invisible? this grapefruit .,0,en
What did Leonardo DaVinci call his house? The DaVinci Abode,1,en
What did Prophet Muhammad said to his wife on their marriage? Thanks for taking leave from school.,1,en
Did you know... Six out of seven dwarf's are not Happy!,0,en
"Some say I'm an apathetic person. But really, I just don't care",1,en
They say you are what you eat Stephen Hawking always finished his vegetables as a boy,1,en
"Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it's time to dispose of the boss's body, they all pretend to be working",1,en
"Why did the plant say after being watered? ""I'm not hungry exactly, but I could still use a light snack"".",1,en
What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common? They're both under DC.,1,en
My girlfriend invite me over to her house. I got a warm welcome from Chris Hansen.,0,en
spoiler alert: the company that's paying for the commercial always wins the taste test .,1,en
"When Gregor Mendel did his groundbreaking experiments with pea plants, ... ...it was a classic case of publish or parish.",1,en
"I got a new tag on my car On the front of my car, there's a license plate that says ""Dodge. "" That's not the manufacturer, it's a suggestion",1,en
I was very confused about what nationality the chick I banging was. She kept screaming Le Migo ,1,en
dear father christmas could you please send me some crocodile shoes! . father christmas : can't do that one . he hasn't said what size his crocodile takes,0,en
What will reddit never know? Victoria's Secret...,0,en
how come reddit posters have no babies? because op never delivers .,0,en
What always stays hot in the refrigerator? Horseradish,0,en
"I told my friend a chemistry joke. He didn't react... I wanted to tell my girlfriend, but SHe doesn't exist.",0,en
"what do you call a cross between a skunk , a wolverine , and a porcupine? "" sir "" from a distance .",1,en
"My little sister's cat died... ...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.",0,en
"LPT: If you're single this weekend, remember... Name your hands and you'll have an instant threesome! Happy Valentine's day",0,en
"i never go camping, but i sometimes go to bed without the tv on so i get it .",0,en
"if you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass .",0,en
what time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your tv? time to buy a new tv .,0,en
what do you call a religious bird? a bird of prey .,1,en
"FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth ME: Really? Which one? FRIEND: Katie ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth",0,en
Did you hear apple just invented gifs? They called it live photos,1,en
"her : oh , a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. me : yes , but do go on threedots",0,en
"Help, I accidentally ... build a shelf?! ? What should I do?",0,en
"siri , what's depression? siri : here are your directions to chuck e cheese .",0,en
"Clark Kent: How's your lunch? Bruce Wayne: This soup is great. CK: don't BW: You could even say CK: please don't BW: It's Souper, man",0,en
What is a Polish person's favorite weapon? A Warsaw...,1,en
"When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.",1,en
"What did A and B look for at the beach? A ""C"" gull!",0,en
to the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road threedots are you okay? how does that even happen,0,en
The waiting list for the WiiU. Just got shorter in Conneticut,0,en
what can jelly beans do that you can't? come in different colors .,1,en
why couldn't mario ever watch netflix with peach? because the princess was always on another castle .,0,en
What do you call a research facility in the middle east? Darpa Darpa,1,en
I took your girlfriend out for some Chipotle last week. guacamole wasn't the only thing she wanted extra on the side,0,en
"Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object every time.",1,en
Why did the viper viper nose? Because the adder adder hankerchief !,0,en
"i can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird i ordered from amazon .",0,en
What do they call Reddit in France? Ribbit,1,en
Why do marine biologists have such a high job satisfaction rate? Because they find their work gives their lives a great deal of porpoise.,1,en
"So I heard Lena Dunham has a new show coming out. It's called Sister, Sister",0,en
Why should you not argue with a decimal? Because decimals always have a point.,1,en
"""I don't have to outrun the bear! Just you!"" Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now",0,en
What do you call a horse who likes crackers? Seatriscuit,1,en
Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes? A stunt ham.,1,en
Why is the tuna depressed? He got canned yesterday.,0,en
What do you call an oval with a speech impediment? An Elipshhh,1,en
How do you keep men on their toes? Raise the urinals,1,en
all i got for christmas was a pack of sticky cards. it was difficult to deal with,1,en
What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding? Thanks for the mammaries!,0,en
I taught my parents something today. They learned from their mistake,0,en
where does a homeless accountant live? in a tax shelter .,1,en
What do you call a cinema in Jamiaca? A cinemon,1,en
"pro tip for the ladies. ask him to show you where the "" jack thingy "" is at in the trunk and when he shows you threedots that's when you push him in",1,en
why did mother nature trip the last day of summer? to make it fall .,0,en
What is the opposite of a meme? A youyou,0,en
"I survived Sharknado, but my friends didn't... ... I miss those chums",1,en
Why is the moon so grumpy? It's just going through one of its phases.,1,en
interviewer : what's your biggest weakness? vanilla ice : i've been known to steal under pressure,1,en
how can you avoid falling hair? get out of the way .,0,en
"I've come to the realisation that I am a hipster. Well, that solved itself",1,en
"I ordered the Club Salad for lunch.. I asked waitress ""What all comes in the club salad? "" She said ""Lettuce, turnip, the beat""",1,en
"Saint Peter in Heaven So, I was in the mood for some ""Saint Peter in the gates of Heaven"" jokes. Anyone have something",1,en
"My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it. Eventually she came round",1,en
I measured your Mother's resistance to being accelerated by a force. The answer was massive,0,en
What do you call a deceptive legume? A Lima bean,1,en
"My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah, and I had to give it to her because as far as I know that's correct",1,en
What do astronauts wear to bed? Space Jammies!,0,en
What were Jesus and the apostles riding in? They were all in one Accord. ,1,en
"""A smile is like tight underwear. it makes your cheeks go up",0,en
"A baby boy was born without eyelids. After the circumcision, the doctors used the foreskin to make eyelids. Now he's cockeyed.",1,en
Someone make me a mod I wanna be a mod,0,en
People ask me why I have a girlfriend I can't afford to have a bang maid...,0,en
"Wild horses could easily drag me away. In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money",1,en
"deep love no matter how deeply you love someone, you cannot express it more than six inches deep",0,en
Did you hear the CEO of Twitter got in trouble for buying shares of rival companies? I guess it was a conflict of Pinterest.,1,en
when will the jared jokes stop? when they get too old .,0,en
"One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio",1,en
my bank says my password isn't strong enough. did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now ?,0,en
My buddy said that he was planning on making homemade bread. I told him to let me know if he kneeds anything,1,en
"What did the lead researcher say when all of her colleagues were complaining about the experiment? ""I don't care et al.""",1,en
what's the best thing to have in a hairy situation? a razor .,1,en
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste? Crestfallen.,0,en
"I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith",1,en
How many potatoes does it take to stop a bus? The one I pushed into traffic didn't stop it.,1,en
I'd say I'm a down to earth guy. but that's mostly because of gravity,1,en
maybe adele is singing about her cats. you don't know,0,en
"if at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common .",0,en
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live,0,en
when is the only time you're not american? when european .,1,en
"The strangest thing happened to me on the train today. Found a book titled ""How to increase your Memory Power"" left behind on a seat. Now, that's irony!",0,en
"I can't wait to listen to the new Kelly Rowland album. I believe it's called ""Milk, Milk""",1,en
How do make a hipster sweat. make 'em wear a wool sweater before it was cool,1,en
What do you call it when a football player gets so many concussions it starts to degrade their cognition? Touchdowns,1,en
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.,0,en
My favorite word is onomatopoeia. I just like how it sounds,1,en
"my girlfriend told me i was one in a million when i looked through her text messages, i had to admit she was right .",0,en
What do you call a depressed retail worker? A hanger,1,en
What was the most successful love story in Game of Thrones? Shireen. She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.,1,en
I can't be bothered with trivial details. Like facts,0,en
how does a candy bar laugh? it snickers,1,en
How do you disappear? You drive an ice cream truck into Ethiopia ,1,en
What's the difference between adoption and abortion? Abortion has never made me consider adoption. ,1,en
Why couldn't the scientist understand what the photon was saying? Because the photon was incoherent.,1,en
What do priests and ants have in common? Both can enter the the smallest holes,1,en
why is the sky not happy on clear days? it has the blues,1,en
Did you hear about the origami master who lost his job? His office went paperless.,1,en
Which chocolate stops dogs hair falling out? Malteasers,1,en
I can't play music in piano; I guess you could say it's not my forte.,1,en
What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious? Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target,1,en
"As I've been teaching myself how to use GIS again, I've been listening to a lot of Eminem. And I'm beginning to feel just like a map god, map god",1,en
"in my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant i was supposed to "" drive thru """,1,en
"I don't believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women. Just joking, I believe in Nessie",0,en
"Yesterday I watched the movie Carrrs. Well, it was just Cars, but I pirated it",0,en
"What's the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops",0,en
"i wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. actually , he is unaware , but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway",1,en
"My homemade bread turned out very well, kneadless to say.",1,en
how do you know if a homeless man has a girlfriend? he has two clean fingers .,1,en
The next version of Android oughta be called Nuts. That way I can tell everyone that they're holding an Android with its nuts in their hand,1,en
"a man walks into a brothel threedots the attendant behind the desk says "" beat it. we're closed """,0,en
why did the prisoners switch to liquid soap in the shower? because it's harder to pick up .,1,en
"Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there",1,en
Why is Punisher the funniest Marvel character? Because he has the best punchlines.,1,en
What do you call a dinosaur that's in a hurry? A Prontosaur.,1,en
Life is like a board game. My parent always beats me.,1,en
"On one hand, this sub has gotten a little stale. On the other hand... ... you have different fingers.",1,en
I was dating a radiologist. but it didn't work out: she could see right though me,1,en
God giving women mouths was a blessing! Otherwise what would we do when they're on their period?,0,en
What was Bob Marley's favourite font? Sans Sheriff!,0,en
I asked my mate what he wanted for dinner He said he fancies a Chinese. I said I didn't ask you about your love life I asked what you wanted to eat,1,en
why is a foreign exchange student like a gynecologist? because they both study abroad !,1,en
Is the sub recovered yet? It seem so but I'm not sure yet,0,en
Where do doctors put blood that can't be used because it is too fluorescent? In the haemo glow bin.,1,en
What did the fisherman do on his date? Netfish and krill,0,en
"Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies. For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house",1,en
What do you call a chicken that can play tennis? A Henman.,1,en
Why couldn't Frodo drop the Ring into Mt. Doom? Force of Hobbit.,0,en
"And now, a joke for feet...  Sock! Sock! Shoe's there?",0,en
"I'm married, but not ""pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor"" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...",0,en
i wasn't dancing. i was trying to connect to the wifi,0,en
"i walked a girl home last night , and things got a little awkward at one point. she turned around and found out i was walking her home",0,en
are you on a date with me or with your phone? just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night .,0,en
I would never get a dog from a breeder. Rescue dogs taste just as good and can be had for a fraction of the price. ,1,en
how do you make a hamburger green? find a yellow cheeseburger and mix it with a blue one !,0,en
"Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view",1,en
why did the mechanic go to art school? because he wanted to learn how to make a van go !,1,en
"My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like ""Hobbit!"", ""Gandalf!"", and ""Mordor!"". Always Tolkien in her sleep...",1,en
"In the jungle, the mighty jungle. Cecil sleeps forever",0,en
which day do chickens hate the most? friday .,0,en
when the lady in the elevator burst into tears i did the only thing a man could do in the situation. i fell to the floor and played dead,0,en
"How to get personal space If there's a lot of people, just yell ""Allahu Akbar"" for a rapid evacuation.",0,en
Why do Korean girls always look so young? Plastic decomposes very slowly,1,en
Why do airplanes manufactured in Spain have windshield wipers on the inside? Because the rain in Spain falls mostly in the plain.,1,en
what does barbie like to do at halloween? pump ken,0,en
"Money talks ...and it's telling me ""Goodbye"".",1,en
My favourite African American Is Elon Musk.,1,en
"How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so.....",1,en
How did the Pianist play without fingers? Not very well at all...,1,en
"Have you heard of the annual ginger meeting? It's petty unknown, last time not a single soul came.",1,en
why do people starve? when food tastes so good .,1,en
My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver,1,en
"spoiler alert: ladies , if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a camera in it .",0,en
What is this whole blm bot stuff on this sub? Seems like a funny joke to me,0,en
Why did the guy at the trainyard get struck by lightning? He was an excellent conductor,1,en
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No but she sure could climb trees well!,0,en
I know how to feed a nation. but will she eat it,0,en
I finally found my wife's G spot. Who knew her sister had it the whole time.,0,en
"If life was fair, Ryan Gosling would have been born with Ray Romano's voice.",0,en
"What's the difference between Ozzy Osborne and Whitney Houston? One plays hard rock, the other is rock hard.",1,en
i just called to get my credit score and i heard laughing in the background. sounds like a cool place to work,1,en
At a meeting of cancer patients I asked who in a decade would be an adult No one got up,1,en
I'm starting a support group for people who think they are mortgages. The most important thing is for them to realize that they are not a loan,1,en
"In an alternate universe, humans with an extra cromossome are gods, each responsible for a physical property. It has been this way since the Down of time",1,en
when does a joke stop being funny? when you repost it .,0,en
what do you call kayne west at a mexican barbecue? Kanye asada.,0,en
"When someone yawns, I like to yell ""Surprise Dentist! "" and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I'm not really a dentist.",1,en
"Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno. I got a bad feeling",0,en
What is the difference between male suicide and this post? No one care about either of them.,1,en
"my friend told me that he never learned to use a bicycle i told him it's not too bad, its like riding a bike",1,en
What did the programmer say to the architect chick? Wanna come back to my homepage and check out my floor plan,0,en
"my wife tried on a dress, it did not fit . she bought a cake out of frustration . it fit .",0,en
"what's the difference between fog and mist? if you hit it its fog , if you don't it's mist .",0,en
What makes you laugh and hangs from the ceiling? Robin Williams,0,en
what is the worst type of sand to have in your pants? sandusky,0,en
What is a specimen? An Italian astronaut.,1,en
My gilfriend Is like Pokemon go servers. Unreliable Edit: bad spelling in title,0,en
So uh... Is any going to wake you Avicii?,0,en
How do you get a skeleton to laugh? Tickle his funny bone.,0,en
"i've been drinking my urine for years, but nasa still refuses to let me be an astronaut . "" there's more to it than that "" they say . whatever .",1,en
What is the network admin favourite lullaby? Mary had a little LAN,0,en
I gave an orphan a keyboard for Christmas It was without a home button,0,en
"i read an actual newspaper today! for those of you who don't understand , a newspaper is like the internet but made of paper .",0,en
A dried grape began catering for the CIA He was the best raisin agent they'd ever seen,1,en
doctor : have you ever had this before? patient : yes . doctor : well you've got it again !,0,en
what's the best part about getting a puppy? getting new shoes every week .,1,en
My eccentric chemistry professor seems to be spending more and more time in his lab. I think his other dogs are starting to get jealous.,1,en
I just realised something You can block automod and make him virtually invisible over here,0,en
What does consent mean? Nothing if you're stronger. ,1,en
A lot of people seem to fuss about adding and removing an hour from the day. I think it's just a minute difference,1,en
I was walking down the street wearing glasses  When the prescription ran out.,1,en
I went to a Married couples course once.... There wasn't a single person there....,0,en
"So my grandmother came up to me and asked me to cut a piece of fabric into strips for her. I asked her ""What width? "" She replied: ""with scissors of course.""",1,en
Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe? More doors.,1,en
Most people browse on Google or Bing. But I browse on fleek,0,en
What did the german with food allergies say? Gluten Nacht,1,en
my most recent what's the name of the richest man in china? cha ching,0,en
what do you call an overweight et? an extra cholesterol !,1,en
Whats a baby's favourite temperature? Womb tempertaure,0,en
"The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on aprenutshell agreement.",1,en
I would help you carry some of those bushes. but I've already got two palms on my hands,0,en
"My dad always said, ""Don't trust anybody"". But I don't know if his advice is genuine.",1,en
I feel like I'm not giving my followers enough in my tweets. Would you be interested in stock tips or free shampoo samples?,0,en
Did you hear about the baby competitive eater? He was in it to wean it,0,en
"The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.",1,en
The cementery was over crowded with people People were dying to get in,1,en
"My dad once ask me if I wanted to go halves in lotto. I said sure, you pay for it.",0,en
love every corner they said you will find love in every corner. i must say my life is in a circle,0,en
I'm volunteering at the tempura house tonight. It's a shelter for lightly battered women,1,en
anyone know how long you can keep a chicken in the freezer? because i put one in last night and it was dead this morning .,0,en
Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.,0,en
Did you know that Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin? That he built.,0,en
"i played the word "" mature "" in a game of scrabble. my friend played "" immature "" and got the triple word score so i flipped the board over",1,en
Who is FAPMAN's greatest nemesis? The Stroker.,0,en
Skinny people are very impatient Because they weight very little,1,en
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep!,1,en
"therapist : are you a man or a mouse? mickey : quite frankly , i was hoping you could tell me .",0,en
what did the calculus student who failed his test and the guy who got a speed ticket have in common? they didn't know their limits,1,en
"A builder came up to me. He said, ""Do you know how to make a fruit stand? "" ""Yes,"" I said. ""You just have to balance it on a flat surface.""",1,en
Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film Taken: Out Of Context.,0,en
million dollar idea: selling shower heads at the exit of a ryan gosling movie,1,en
why is the brain always anxious? it's part of the nervous system .,1,en
"Sure I'll eat square slices of pizza, but I'm thinking of triangular ones the whole time.",1,en
"i wanted to make a joke about quantum physics , but i wasn't sure if i should. so i did and didn't",1,en
How do you think bus driver interviews go? Applicant: Sorry I'm late! Interviewer: You're hired!,1,en
"How does a physicist milk a cow? First, he assumes the cow is a sphere.",1,en
What's the difference between a flatfish and a good woman? The fish doesn't know it's plaice.,1,en
"if a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don't laugh .",0,en
"I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day and ate some undercooked chicken.",1,en
What Slenderman doesnt have? Facebook.,0,en
"My parents always said I was artistic. They were very modest, so they only ever whispered it to each other",1,en
What music service do potatoes like to use? Spudify.,0,en
"""Me llamo Pedro, "" said no Juan ever.",0,en
What kind of bread do they serve at the special ed school cafeteria? Inbred.,1,en
why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the halloween party? he was going as a banana .,1,en
I met this amazing girl while speed dating. We stayed up all night and day just talking and giggling and I guess speed will do that to you,0,en
What's the difference between stephen halking and a computer? The computer runs,0,en
ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? i hope so because that's the only excuse i have for being drunk at work .,1,en
how's the oil industry doing these days? it's in the tank .,1,en
What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive? Trying to get out of his grave.,0,en
why do comedians always have such bad sleeps? because they fall asleep funny !,1,en
What does Bill Gates call his manhood? Microsoft.,1,en
What did the big programming number say to the small programming number? UShort.,1,en
"Vegetables should be called fruits Last time I checked, only fruits fell from trees.",1,en
What is the room temperature on Tatooine? Lukewarm,0,en
"I am Muslim I submit myself to Jesus Christ, our lord and savior.",1,en
what's the difference between a donald trump and ellen pao? edit : trump can ruin a business right .,0,en
I'm not scared I'll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I'm scared someone will record it on their phone and I'll end up on a GIF,0,en
what's the best part about being an orphan? all your chips and candy bars are family sized .,1,en
Did a T Rex have two copies of each chromosome? I reckon it was a diploidocus,1,en
What's the most holy thing you can say after you came inside her? Jesus Christ! that was good and heavenly,0,en
"""what do we want?"" ""faster Internet! "" ""when do we want it?"". Loading...",0,en
What do you call a genius skateboarder on a wheel chair Tony Hawkings,1,en
I took my new dog to a Veterinarian. He went in Samoyed but came out Husky,1,en
i'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. he must just be bragging that he has change,0,en
My sword doesn't weigh much. It's my light saber,1,en
what did the flower say about the tree heading to the sky? he's on route .,0,en
Why did Xmen's Cyclops go to the doctors? Because he needed laser eye surgery!,0,en
why did they kick the leper out of the restaurant? they had to keep changing the finger bowls .,1,en