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CleanComedy

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What do you say when only the egg remains? It's all ovum now
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Timmy was sad because he dropped his ice cream In juvenile detention.
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I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out. OP will not deliver
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why did the baby cross the road? because it was stapled to the chicken .
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Q: What is a Budget? A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
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What language do farsighted people speak? Farsi.
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Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do
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what's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? you can unscrew a lightbulb .
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not all jobs can have 'bad apples' especially american airlines the last time they had one he crashed into the trade center
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what's the difference between a laundry machine and a girl? the washing machine doesn't get upset if i dump a load in it and never call back
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why do the best swimmers come from flint , michigan? because they're always in the lead .
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what do porsche and apple have in common? new product , same design .
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I am a man and I completely understand women . . . . . .
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The death of my family member is hard to take in Especially when you run out of rolling paper.
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what do a woman and a grenade have in common? pull off the ring and the house is gone .
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What do you call a furry that likes to be on the bottom in bed? A subwoofer
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Why are american schools so good at marketing? They always hit the target audience
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what's the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job? one's a crusty bus station , the other's a busty crustacean .
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What do Asgardians use to keep food hot? A Thormos.
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The registration fee to the Boston marathon was high... It cost me an arm and a leg.
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "Arghhagghh!"
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sign posted in a bathroom: we aim to please ! you aim too ! please !
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haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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elmo jokw What does every Elmo receive before they leave the factory? Two test tickles!
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I don't know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse's body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
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Teacher: What should you do when someone opens fire at you? Blonde: Use a FIRE extinguisher?
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What did the egg say to the frying pan? It might take me a little while to get hard. I was just laid last night.
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i lost my wife a year ago today. sadly , within four days i won her back
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Stan Lee That man knows how to promote a movie
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my neighbors son asked me to explain women to him. so i bought him an xbox game for his playstation
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Whats the difference between Kobe Bryant and Juice WRLD? Kobe's death crashed the internet into pieces.
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How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.
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they say the human imagination is infinite. try to imagine a new color
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what does a widow say when she wakes up? mourning
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If a poison expires, Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?
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why was the couch afraid of the chair? the chair was armed .
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what did the constipated mathematician do? he worked his problems out with a pencil and paper .
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why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? in case he got a hole in one .
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Why did the banker like the TV show? Because he was invested in the story.
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what did the bus conductor say to the frog? hop on .
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What's the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger? An egg gets laid before it cracks.
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My friend's handwriting was so bad, no one in my German class could read it... He said, "Of course not, it wasn't written in German."
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People think it's weird why I don't play with baby's But I was always told as a kid not to play with my food.
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A dark joke is like food Not many people get it.
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning
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No Grandma, an iPad is not a new brand of Maxi Pads
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for what it's worth, i'd like to exchange some foreign currency .
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starting a new job today. i'm not sure what company , but it's wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going
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My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo. I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs
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if you're wondering about who the oldest james bond was, don't google ' old man bond age '
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Why do people throw coins into foutains? Why do people throw coins into fountains? I don't know, doesn't make any cents.
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if a " cougar " is an older woman who is into younger men , what do you call an older woman who is into younger women? a gym teacher
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I was dating an analog synthesizer But I had to break it off. She was just continuously variable
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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. except when you're at a funeral
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A strange sense of humor. Surprisingly, but the long walks on the moor very breathtakingly
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i've decided to take the day off today. from now on it will simply be known as ' to '
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What to you call a conscious wolf? Aware wolf.
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What is a Jew's favorite Mexican food? Carne Masada
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why did the chicken get an ouija board? to contact those who had crossed over to the other side .
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You know how the say movies are like world wars.. The sequel is always worse
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Tingly feeling You know that nice tingly feeling you get when you're falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
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clothes are just, human shaped blankets .
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what's the difference between hard and light? you can sleep with a light on .
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You know what gets me down? Gravity...
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My friend said he needed a new kid knee So I showed him my collection. He wasn't pleased.
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why doesn't santa have any children? ' cause he cums down the chimney
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q : what did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor? a : make me one with everything .
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which computer is the best at singing? a dell .
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My new bucket really does its job well. My old one pails in comparison
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Why did Jon Snow become a spokesman for Rolex? For the time piece.
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What do you call a sugary werewolf? a glycan
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What be a pirate's favorite letter? Ayy, you think it be "r" but it really be the "c".
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Complex numbers are all fun and games... Until someone loses an i. That's when things get real.
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I've had intimate problems all my life. I just can't get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
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what do you call an expert at making ship parts? a master master .
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how do senior citizens handle indoor skydiving? depends
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I don't believe in natural selection, If it were so, the Jews would have survived the showers.
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my girlfriend cried the day i proposed to her on an escalator. it was moving
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I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris. But it turns out that idea was already taken
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Whats long, yellow, and can't swim? A school bus full of kids in a lake
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Have you seen www.quicksand.com? Yes but it hasn't sunk in yet.
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" it's our third date and you still wear that shirt? " honey , this all they have in prison .
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack Therapist: How do you feel now? Me: With my elbows
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What kind of juice do you get in camps? The concentrated kind.
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why do women love chocolate? because it's the only time ' rich ' and ' dark ' are used to describe the same thing .
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what did the australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal? check , mate .
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why couldn't the butter quit his gambling addiction? he was on a roll !
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I love my ribcage. It is very close to my heart
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In America If you ask directions to a shooting range they will just point to the nearest school
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the music composer at my school is suffering from cancer. he's in the hospital being fed through a tuba
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my dad just came first in a drag race. i had no idea a man could run so fast in a cocktail dress and high heels !
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Why are Reddit jokes so overused? I don't know, ask Dave.
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what's the most common sleeping position of a man? around .
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explaining puns to kleptomaniacs is hard because they often take things, literally .
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An apple a day keeps the doctor At least if u throw hard enough
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It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.
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Anyone want to buy a dead budgie? It's not going cheep.
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" lord , can i have a pony? " sure . just as soon as i get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it .
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What did the flat iron say to the follicle? Now let me get this straight . . .
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I made a Wooden Engine. Everyone was shocked to see that it wood work
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