text string | humour_label int64 | language string |
|---|---|---|
i never dreamed that little pictures on a screen would feel like friends. yet here i am | 0 | en |
What did the nucleus say to get the electron up? Up and atom! | 1 | en |
What's the pound's new name? The ounce | 0 | en |
Doctor! Doctor! I think I have Barry Manilow's disease! "What are your symptoms? " "I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!" | 0 | en |
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question. | 1 | en |
what's worse than being told by your doctor that you have gonorrhea? being told by your dentist | 1 | en |
a real boyfriend will blow up his girl's phone when she's mad at him. she may not want to answer , but at least she'll see his effort | 0 | en |
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse "You mean Centaur, right? " Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh | 0 | en |
How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can. | 1 | en |
how many women are necessary to change a lightbulb? one threedots but , what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it | 0 | en |
a tornado is a lot like having an affair. at first there is a lot of blowing , but in the end , you just lose your house | 0 | en |
What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese? A paddy melt!! | 0 | en |
what do you call a cow that's recently given birth? Decaffinated | 1 | en |
Me: I got my first TOTD! It's exciting! Him: What's that? M: um, well, it's an imaginary trophy... H: well then I'm imaginary proud of you. | 0 | en |
Where did Jaden go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere | 0 | en |
What's the name of Brendan Dassey's favorite band? The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. | 0 | en |
I like my women how I like my text wrapping. Tight | 0 | en |
if you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is . | 0 | en |
whats the difference between a piano , a tuna , and a bottle of glue? anyone can tuna piano , but nobody can piano a tuna ! | 0 | en |
You know Toothpaste was invented in Alabama? Anywhere else and it would have been called Teethpaste! | 0 | en |
me : this is a nice, quiet neighborhood . real estate agent : this is a cemetery . me : i'll take it . | 0 | en |
I installed some new Humbuckers on my guitar. Now the ladies call me a pickup artist | 1 | en |
What do you call a bent pickaxe? A minor problem. | 1 | en |
Someone asked me to make a joke about cancer... I said, "Sorry I can't sir." | 1 | en |
a woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal. i dunno , what do you want ? | 1 | en |
how can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer? they look at your feet instead of theirs . | 1 | en |
A man walks to the counter at the store with an adult toy. "Hey, can I try this out before I buy it?" | 1 | en |
How did harry potter get down the hill? he came running jk rowling | 0 | en |
There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine! | 0 | en |
can you even work your smartphone? in what capacity | 1 | en |
what do you call the only wood that doesn't float? natalie . | 0 | en |
If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower how did the barbers arrive? On clipper ships. | 1 | en |
how many bears would bear grylls grill if bear grylls could grill bears? none . he'd eat them raw ! | 0 | en |
How much do deodorant factory workers get paid? A pittance. | 1 | en |
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking | 1 | en |
How many tickles... How many tickles before a squid starts to laugh? Ten tickles | 0 | en |
What was Jesus' favorite sport? Crossfitting. | 0 | en |
i'm not very good at baking threedots my friend said to stick with it dough, it'll pan out in the end . | 0 | en |
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured. | 1 | en |
what did santa say when he saw your mom , sister , and girlfriend all together in the same room? merry christmas ! | 0 | en |
what has four legs and is made out of wood? a horse . | 1 | en |
Today I brought a computer back from the dead. I've decided that this makes me a techromancer | 1 | en |
A photon checks into a hotel.. The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage? " The photon replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light." | 1 | en |
saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. also the single people with concerned relatives | 1 | en |
What's the best blood type? Blood that is circulating. | 1 | en |
I once had a dog named Tax. Every time I opened the front door, Income Tax | 1 | en |
i used to have a job crushing cans. it was soda pressing | 1 | en |
what type of clothing does a house wear? address . | 1 | en |
my smart phone doesnt work. i push home and i'm still at work | 0 | en |
i ate too much bread at the indian restaurant during lunch today. it was a naan issue | 1 | en |
have no kids? hire a babysitter anyway , say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken . return home and ask where your child is . | 0 | en |
I capture lions for a living. I guess you could say I take pride in my work | 1 | en |
What is a orphans favorite chip bag size? The family size | 0 | en |
What is the worlds wettest animal? The reindeer | 0 | en |
What do you call a Catholic marrying a Catholic, and a Protestant marrying a Protestant.? Same Sects Marriage. | 1 | en |
i was desperate for a job, so my friend offered me one as a test subject in a wind tunnel but i wasnt a fan | 0 | en |
You'll never guess what my login name is. Constipated | 0 | en |
trust is the most important thing in a relationship. after all , if you can't trust your girlfriend , how do you know she won't tell your wife ? | 0 | en |
my sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti: you should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta ! | 1 | en |
WHAT DO WE WANT? no more interruptions! WHEN D now! | 0 | en |
Vacationing in Switzerland "So did you enjoy the beautiful scenery? " "I couldn't really see much because of the mountains." | 1 | en |
How do you get a baby into a bowl? With a mixer! And how do you get it out of the bowl? With Doritos Chips! | 0 | en |
How do you measure the weight of a hipster? In Instagrams. | 0 | en |
It's My First Cake Day and I'm Scrambling. How Does Moses Make his Tea? He Brews It! | 0 | en |
I went to a sea food disco last night... I pulled a mussel | 0 | en |
Her: Do you consider yourself broadminded? Me: All I ever think about are broads... so I'll have to go with a yes on this one. | 0 | en |
did the depressed rope maker succeed? sadly , he did knot . | 1 | en |
Playboy Magazine has announced that they will no longer publish nude pictures in their magazine. O, The Oprah Magazine, has vowed to pick up the slack | 1 | en |
help me, i am trapped in a haiku factory save me before they | 0 | en |
What do you call lettuce that has been frozen? An "Ice"burg lettuce | 1 | en |
How do you know a drummer is at your door? The knock speeds up. | 0 | en |
what's the shortest possible sentence in canadian english? sorry , eh . | 1 | en |
I wanted to be a palaeontologist, but my parents said there was no future in it | 1 | en |
I was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf | 0 | en |
What's the worlds most forceful fig? The Fig Newton. | 0 | en |
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog...because it croaks every night | 1 | en |
What you shouldnt answer when a parent asks you what to do if their baby wont stop crying I dont know, just foogle it | 0 | en |
had a date last night , but i don't kiss and tell. so i'll tell you all about it | 0 | en |
I might not know how to turn a 'no' in to a 'yes' ... But duct tape can turn anything in to 'hhmmm mmh h!' Which in my experience is even better than a 'yes' | 1 | en |
My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day. He brought her out and said, "meet patty" | 0 | en |
if i had a dollar for every time someone told me i am handsome i would have exactly one dollar .! thanks mom . | 0 | en |
i grilled some chicken today threedots what a waste of time. he still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road | 0 | en |
What do you get when a camel pukes in the desert? A hot mess. | 1 | en |
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday? Nobody knows, he hasn't opened the presents yet. | 1 | en |
"You know what, that's some? .." "Calm down you're being irrational right now." | 0 | en |
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we're rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family | 1 | en |
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Hiter's Ideas are everything but new. | 0 | en |
what did the duck say when he bought lipstick? " put it on my bill . " | 1 | en |
I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited. Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year. | 1 | en |
if it ain't broke, i haven't borrowed it yet . | 0 | en |
what do you call an alligator wearing a vest? an investigator . | 1 | en |
My handheld social networking device is ringing! What do I do? | 0 | en |
My marriage is based on trust. And according to my wife's lawyers, that trust is based offshore | 1 | en |
did you see the story about the missing dolphin? i'd tell you more about it but there's really no porpoise threedots | 1 | en |
What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked? He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over" | 1 | en |
"Hey Fred" Yeah Barney? "The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band" Yeah but ABBA do! | 1 | en |
do you know the best way to cook lamb? well done ewe . | 1 | en |
Did you hear about the haunted burlesque theater? Things went bump and grind in the night. | 1 | en |
her : are you okay? me : yea , great ! this isn't even my blood ! | 0 | en |
Threesomes I never understood the obsession with threesomes, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would have lunch with my parents. | 1 | en |
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