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CleanComedy

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Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back? And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, "Dude, c'mon..."
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I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!
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what did tennessee? the same thing as arkansas
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a young woman rolled her eyes towards me, so i picked them up and rolled them back .
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What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence? A flat back four!
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The doctor's had some troubles convincing Jim he had gone deaf. He wouldn't hear it
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how do you make a dog go "meow"? Freeze it solid then push it through a band saw. MEEEOOW!
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What's Stephen Hawkings favorite food? His shoulder
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i spilled laundry detergent on my rug! it really tide the room together .
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What does a TV's poor connection and a pregnant woman have in common? Both can be fixed with a metal coat hanger
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What do you call the special olympics swimming pool? Vegetable soup
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What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily? The military service.
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shrimp why did the shrimp cross the road? to get to the other tide .
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Where can you find a dog with no legs Right where you abandoned it.
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God: done? Noah: yea G: whats this Noah proudly: a swing set G: u built a park. I asked for an ark N: a what? G: a boat N: say boat then
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I graduated top of my class at Hypochondriac University... I am valetudinarian
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What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.
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What is the fastest cake in the world? scone. 's gone
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don't make eye contact with me at mcdonalds. we're both here for our own sad reasons
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Early reports say Robin Williams died from arson. But I Doubtfire
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what is hellen keller's favorite color? corduroy .
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Prison may be just one word. But to others, it's a whole sentence
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How do you know if the wedding you are at is for older people? The bride will be walked down the isle in an urn.
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Kobe is not dead. No. he never passed.
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MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Bleecker St. You insisted you weren't choking and put up a good fight
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What's concurrency? Fake money they use in prisons.
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Where do you date a feminist without body hair? In the oncology.
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What's the easiest way to confuse an anthropologist? Hold up a used tampon and ask him to identify which period it's from
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how did the hillbilly find the sheep in the tall grass? satisfying
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How do you call an IT teacher that touches his students? A PDF File
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What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral.
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What do they sing in a retirement home on Christmas? Last Christmas
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I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again
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What type of wheel does the Christianity Car use? Catherine wheel
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when i practice my saxophone i have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know i'm not kicking it around the living room .
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The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere
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what's red and black and screaming all over? stevie wonder when he answers the iron .
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What do you call a fish without any eyes? Boneless chicken
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method's
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my urge to sing " the lion sleeps tonight " is just a whim away. a whim away , a whim away
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I was going to buy some classical CDs. But it turns out I'm baroque
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I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it
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i'm considering becoming a mind reader. what are your thoughts ?
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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Never believe minotaurs. Half of everything they say is bull
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What do cookies and girl scouts have in common They are both better cream filled
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What happened to the tree after it caught fire? It became entally handicapped
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a picture is worth three, maybe four words tops .
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i hope i'm never involved in a long trial, mostly because i only own one suit .
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Did you hear about the weather report from the ski resort in Lake Tahoe? Partly cloudy with Sonny around a tree.
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What do you call a bee that comes from the US? A USB
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What's a rabbits' favorite TV show? Hoppy Days.
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i know we're smarter than dogs, but whenever i hear them bark for no reason i'm positive they know more than i do .
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q : what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? a : shore .
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What did the lonely clock say to the other? I hope you have the time tic come toc to me
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My friends parents are so cool They were playing chess together. My parents just died.
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i have no super powers. i'm guessing i'm the villain
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i found a stray cat today . sadly, my dad is allergic to them so i had to put him down . at least i still have the cat for comfort .
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They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet It's got scientists scratching their heads.
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if you read into something enough , it can be offensive. i like puppies
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Can I lock the entire sub reddit? No seriously though
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my girlfriend complained we don't spend enough time together. so she came up with a perfect solution threedots threedots and broke up with me
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if your uncle jack helped you off a horse, would you help your uncle jack off a horse ?
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What does Paul walker do when he sees a red light? Dies
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What do old men and the Niagara Falls have in common? Just receding.
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Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves? The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
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this blind guy walks into a fish store threedots this blind guy walks into a fish store he turns to his buddy, " wow so many chicks "
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What do you call an Irish man sitting in his garden? Paddy O'Furniture. haha
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Happy 'Ask a goat what month it is month'. Today is the special day when jokes get mystic powers of expression for certain class of words
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how do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? it's not hard .
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We can't deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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you don't need a parachute to skydive. you only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice
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Anyone want to come over for a topless pizza party? I'll supply the dough, you bring the toppings.
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When you're feeling down, just remember. you've accomplished more than Steve Jobs this year
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sticks and stones may break your bones. also good : lead pipes
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you know what they say about corn? you only borrow it threedots
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What's Iron Man's favorite ride at the carnival? The ferrous wheel.
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why did the boy like doing trigonometry? just cos .
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Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early from work do
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i failed my health and safety test today apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer
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They say size matters, you know what doesn't... Comment and you'll find out
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What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door? It won't be long now...
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tifu and by i, i mean ellen pao .
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What's the difference between water and a crippled person Water can run
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my friend told me i don't know what irony is threedots which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop .
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good news! i've been given a goldfish for my birthday . . . the bad news is that i don't get the bowl until my next birthday
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Two particles are trapped in a field One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"
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How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
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What do girls at church, and girls in tje bathtub have in common.. Girls at church have hope in their soul, girls in the tub have have soap in their hole
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did you hear about the binary stripper? If you flip her ones, you can turn her bits on.
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How do you catch autistism Go to the special ed class with a fishing net.
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q : how do you keep a blonde in suspense? a : give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say ' hi . '
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What do you call the fanatical elite military units of the Belgian armed forces? Waffle SS
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online dating has its good points. you can choose your own name , lie through your teeth and you can't smell their breath
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Intellectual Joke Helium walks into a bar, The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gases in here. " Helium doesn't react
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The Three Words You Dread What are the three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."
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I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her
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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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you never have to worry about starbucks running short on coffee. i hear they always have a latte
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Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from
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