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+AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started! BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS A SHIELD. Oedipus throws down his gun and charges Austin. Austin uses Robin's body to block Oedipus's head butt, but his momentum pushes all three of them through a PLATE GLASS WINDOW of his second story loft. IN MID-AIR As they fall, Austin turns Robin around so that she is between him and the ground. EXT. OUTSIDE AUSTINIS FLAT They land with a THUD. Robin cushions Austin's fall. Oedipus is dead on the pavement. ROBIN SWALLOWS Oedipus, Oedipus... AUSTIN Sorry baby, too late. He's as dead as vaudeville. ROBIN SWALLOWS You can't win, Powers. Dr. Evil has your mojo and it's only a matter of time before he kills you and takes over the world. (weak) Tell Fat Bastard I'll miss him... CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Felicity is in bed, naked under the sheets, smoking a cigarette. We hear strange sounds offstage. We pan over to reveal she's IN BED WITH A NAKED FAT BASTARD! He is eating a huge turkey leg, his face covered in food. FAT BASTARD I always get (bleep)in' hungry after I get my end away! FELICITY I never would have thought that a man of such tremendous girth could be such a, um, creative and sensuous lover! FAT BASTARD You want some chicken? I have more! He rolls over to reveal his HUGE NAKED ASS. Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse, looks around for a place to plant it. She sees his enormous butt cleavage and realizes that there's only one place for the thing to go. ANGLE on FAT BASTARD'S face. He is delighted. FAT BASTARD Frisky are we? Alright lets have another go! She is horrified. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM Dr. Evil at his table with Frau, Scott, and Number Two. DR. EVIL Get me the President of the United States. The PRESIDENT appears on Dr. Evil's video screen with his ADVISORS behind him. INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN) PRESIDENT Dr. Evil, what do you want? DR. EVIL Not what I want Mr. President, but I will receive. In 12 hours I will destroy Washington, DC with a giant laser. Dr. Evil reveals a giant laser. Mini-Me is humping it like a dog. DR. EVIL OK, Mini-Me, why don't you and the laser get a frickin' room. Honestly. (to President) I will destroy another major city every hour- that is, unless you pay me- SNAP ZOOM DR. EVIL One hundred billion dollars! The President and his advisors LAUGH. PRESIDENT Dr. Evil that's more than the entire federal budget for 1969. DR. EVIL Don't play games with me. The capitol will disappear if I don't receive SNAP ZOOM DR. EVIL One hundred billion dollars! His advisors LAUGH. PRESIDENT That much money simply doesn't exist. I don't think l00 billion is even a number. It's like saying I want a kajillion bajillion dollars. His advisors LAUGH. DR. EVIL Come on, Mr. President... SNAP ZOOM: DR. EVIL "Show me the money!" Dr. Evil looks around smugly. No one laughs. PRESIDENT What? SNAP ZOOM: DR. EVIL "Show me the money!" He looks around again, expectantly. PRESIDENT I'm sorry, I don't understand. DR. EVIL You know, kwan? Show me the money? No? Nothing? SCOTT It's 1969. That movie won't come out for another 30 years, ass. They don't know what you're talking about. DR. EVIL Right. OK, see if you understand this: give me the money or I'm going to blow you to frickin' bits, OK? The President and his advisors MURMUR. PRESIDENT But- DR. EVIL (making 'stop' gesture) Talk to the hand! Dr. Evil signs off. DR. EVIL (to Scott) I did love that, though. Cuba Gooding Jr. was outstanding. Oscar speech, very touching. Scott looks at him with disgust. DR.EVIL Okay, everybody clear the room! Everyone leaves and he walks over to a panel bearing his logo. He presses a button, the panel opens up to reveal... A SECRET SHRINE TO AUSTIN POWERS! In it we see a huge full-length photo of Austin Powers, and various magazine covers. He presses a button and an Austin wig descends from the ceiling landing perfectly on his bald head. A backless mockup of Austin's suit rises from the floor. He puts on a pair of glasses. He has become Austin Powers. Dr. Evil cautiously tastes the mojo. DR. EVIL Yeah, baby. Very shagedelic. (beat) This isn't working. I don't feel anything. We PUSH IN towards Dr. Evil's head. FLASH CUT TO: DR. EVIL ANIMATED SEQUENCE A Yellow Submarine-like depiction of Dr. Evil. Zoom in on his head which explodes into 30 other small Dr. Evil heads which rain on a Peter Max-ian valley of flowers. The flowers sprout the word "EVIL'. A psychedelic flying Austin head with spirals in the glasses smashes the flowers, changing the words from "EVIL" to "VILE" and to "LIVE" and then to "LOVE". Turn-of-the-century fat cat capitalists on stilts with teeth coming out of their stomachs drop penis rockets that have the word "GREED" written on the shaft, smashing the "LOVE" flowers into "IRELO" which sprouts into "YELLOW" which turns into submarines, which becomes yellow penises of huge, goose- stepping Dr. Evils, each of them peeing, creating a rain of urine that falls on the Peter Max-ian valley of a hundred Austin Powers citizens. They each open an umbrella that says "LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER LUST". The urine turns into a stream that flows into the mouth of a huge head of Dr. Evil. FLASH CUT BACK TO: INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - AUSTIN SHRINE Pull back from Dr. Evil's head. He looks dazed and confused. Just then, Number Two re-enters the room, catching Dr. Evil with all his Austin paraphernalia. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, one last thing. I-- oh. DR. EVIL I was just... right. Would it kill you to frickin' knock? EXT./INT. CARNABY STREET - DAY Austin and Felicity walk along the street. FELICITY Austin, tell me about the Nineties. AUSTIN You know I can't tell you details about the future, baby, it could alter history. FELICITY Not details, just what it's like. You know, what's the scene? Where's it at? AUSTIN There've been a lot of advances in the Nineties, baby. The economy is stable, people take better care of their health concern for the environment is on the rise and, um, let's see, there's an entire television channel dedicated to golf. FELICITY Sounds awful. AUSTIN It's not so bad once you get used to it. The Nineties are about responsibility. You know, having respect for yourself and other people. I even got married. FELICITY You? Married? What about the sexual revolution? AUSTIN Well, it turns out there were some casualties, baby. Don't you think you'll ever get married? FELICITY No, not until I get a little more 'experience' under my belt. AUSTIN Oh, behave! Suddenly Austin notices something outside and puts his hand to his mouth in fear. AUSTIN (wide-eyed) Oh my God! Felicity is immediately on her guard. She pulls her gun. FELICITY (looking around) What is it! Is it Fat Bastard? AUSTIN No, written here on my hand, see? Austin turns his hand around to show her. He has written 'oh my God' on his hand with the pen. AUSTIN Says 'Oh my God!' They laugh. FELICITY Austin, look. Austin and Felicity duck into a CAMERA SHOP and come out an instant later with SUPER-8 CAMERAS. They run down the street filming each other. AUSTIN AND FELICITY - SUPER-8 MONTAGE This is a Richard Lester-like sequence shot on grainy film from Austin and Felicity's POVs. There's lots of SPEEDED UP stuff and POPPING IN AND OUT of frame like the MONKEES TV show. BACK ON THE STREET AUSTIN Felicity, I haven't had this much fun since I worked undercover in Amsterdam-- '66 I think it was. FELICITY 1965, actually. You posed as a Dutch cheese expert to stop Dr. Evil from poisoning the world's water supply. Austin is impressed. FELICITY I've studied your file, Austin. I want to be a trailblazer, just like you. The Seventies are right around the corner. It's going to be a glorious time for fashion and music and technology-- it won't be long before every flying car has its own 8-track. Austin starts to say something, then bites his tongue. FELICITY The CIA has always been a boy's club until now. Well move over, this chick's taking over. AUSTIN (hoarse) Very impressive. FELICITY Austin, your voice! AUSTIN Yes, I think I'm coming down with something. Austin and Felicity stop at an ICE CREAM MAN with his pushcart. AUSTIN I'll get some ice cream. Would you like some? FELICITY No thanks. AUSTIN (hoarse, to ice cream man) Could I have two scoops of Vanilla, please? ICE CREAM MAN Right away, governor. Would you like chocolate syrup? AUSTIN (hoarse) Yes, please. ICE CREAM MAN Will you have any whipped cream? AUSTIN (hoarse) I will, thank you. ICE CR@ MAN Candy sprinkles? AUSTIN (hoarse) Yes please. ICE CREAM MAN Crushed nuts? AUSTIN No, laryngitis. ICE CREAM MAN Here's your change, sir. Oh, and Austin-- We cut back to the ICE CREAM MAN to see him pulling off a very fake beard. It is BASIL (though it was clearly another actor before). AUSTIN (now with phlegmy throat) Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION Hello, Austin. What's wrong with your voice? AUSTIN (still phlegmy throat) I just had ice cream. Listen to me, I have dairy throat. "Mary had a little lamb and it was always gruntin'. She tied it to a five bar gate and kicked it's little- BASIL EXPOSITION (Interrupting) Austin! Things are heating up, so I thought it best to contact you in disguise. Felicity, your plan worked. You and Austin track Fat Bastard back to Dr. Evil. AUSTIN But how can we track Fat Bastard? FELICITY I planted a homing device on him last night. BASIL EXPOSITION Yes, and we're starting to pick up the signal now. Basil hands Felicity a tracking device that BEEPS. AUSTIN How did you get close enough to plant a homing device? FELICITY I shagged him, I shagged him rotten. Austin and Basil are confused and grossed out at the same time. AUSTIN You... him? Just like that? FELICITY Yes, Austin, we needed that information. BASIL EXPOSITION Well, thanks to your effort, Felicity, we now know that- AUSTIN (interrupting, to Felicity) Did you use an elaborate set of pulleys? A block and tackle? BASIL EXPOSITION Anyway, you two follow the signal back to Dr. Evil's headquarters and then- AUSTIN (interrupting, to Felicity) I just can't get my head around it, baby. You're so small and he's so ... not small. The sheer mechanics of it are mindboggling! BASIL EXPOSITION Never mind, Austin, you two have work to do. You must find Dr. Evil. INT. BEETLE We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen built into the dash. AUSTIN I got it! A Chinese basket with a counter-weighted ballast. That's how you did it, right? FELICITY Austin, it almost sounds like you're jealous. AUSTIN Who, me? That's not possible, baby! (beat, to himself) is it? Just then a-car pulls beside them. Two Dr. Evil Private Army guys pull machine guns and start SHOOTING. AUSTIN Get down! Felicity ducks. Austin reaches back and pulls ROBIN SWALLOWS from the back seat and USES HER AS A SHIELD. FELICITY We're obviously on the right track. (re: tracking screen) It looks like Fat Bastard is-on an island in the middle of the ocean. EXT. DR. EVIL'S ISLANDNIGHT We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen. EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - NIGHT The Beetle comes from under the water and lands on the beach. We still hear the BEEP-BEEP. EXT. TENT - WOODS - NIGHT Austin and Felicity have set up a tent with a view of the Dr. Evil Mt. Rushmore face. Austin is looking at the mountain through a pair of binoculars which hang around his neck. AUSTIN According to the readings, Dr. Evil's headquarters is over the next ridge. FELICITY Can I have a look? AUSTIN Sure. Austin hands her the binoculars. Unfortunately the strap is still around his neck, pulling his face into her cleavage. FELICITY Question is, how do we get in? AUSTIN (muffled) Mmmmmmm...mmmmm... FELICITY Austin, did you hear me? AUSTIN I seem to be stuck in your dirty pillows. FELICITY Where are the topographical maps that Basil drew up? AUSTIN I think they're in the tent. He and Felicity enter the tent. A LIGHT is on inside casting shadows of Austin and Felicity on the side of the tent. From the outside it appears the shadow Austin is leaning over with his back to-the shadow Felicity, who appears to have her hands up his butt. AUSTIN (V.O.) Have you got it out yet? FELICITY (V.O.) Good Lord, Austin, what sort of things do you put in there? The shadow Felicity appears to be tugging a string of sausage links from his ass. AUSTIN (V.O.) Oh, anything that catches my fancy. FELICITY (V.O.) How do you manage to fit it all in? AUSTIN (V.O.) Oh, it stretches to fit. The shadow Felicity appears to pull a tennis racket out of Austin's ass. AUSTIN (V.O.) Are you almost done? I can't hold it much longer. INT. TENT We see that Austin is leaned over holding part of the tent. Felicity is rummaging through a duffel bag across the tent. FELICITY Here we go, one hammer. It's amazing how much this duffel bag will hold. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR We see Dr. Evil playing a piano. We pan to see Mini-Me on top of the piano, himself playing a miniature baby grand. DR. EVIL (singing) 'WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US? JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?' We see that Number Two and Frau are the audience. They applaud. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, that was fantastic, but I do have some bad news. Powers' is on the island. DR. EVIL How tedious. NUMBER TWO Don't worry, Dr. Evil, we can get to him by using the girl. DR. EVIL Really? NUMBER TWO I have the perfect weapon. Frau? FRAU (shouting) Bring in the He-Bots! MUSIC: It's Rainina Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS Three HE-BOTS enter in unison. They are robotic studs in Logan's Run type outfits. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots. What kind of woman could resist these perfect specimens of masculinity? Their clothes are stylish, their posture is ramrod straight, and their buttocks are tight, like tigers. And, each He-Bot is armed with a secret weapon. ANGLE ON THE FIRST HE-BOT. A nozzle flips up from his codpiece and white smoke pours out. NUMBER TWO (O.S.) Poison gas... ANGLE ON THE SECOND HE-BOT. A gun barrel flips out form his crotch and FIRES machine-gun style. NUMBER TWO (O.S.) Machine gun... ANGLE ON THE THIRD HE-BOT. A nozzle flips up from his crotch and yellow liquid drizzles out onto the floor, where it smokes. NUMBER TWO (O.S.) And deadly acid. Dr. Evil is disgusted by the last one. DR. EVIL Right. I object to the last one on aesthetic grounds, but I don't care how you get Powers, just bring him to me. (to Mini-Me) Ready Mini-Me? A one and a two and... (singing) ME, AND MY SHA-DOW STROLLING DOWN THE A-VA- (rapidly) WASN'T A STREET, WASN'T A ROAD WASN'T A BOULEVARD (dancing in step) ME, AND MY SHA- OW ALL ALONE AND FEE- LING... MINI-ME (voice unnaturally low) BLUE! EXT. TENT We see the shadows again. It now looks like Felicity is putting things into Austin's ass. FELICITY (V.O.) Do you want everything to go back in? AUSTIN (V.O.) Yes. Listen, Felicity, about Fat Bastard- FELICITY (V.O.) It's my job, Austin. You of all people should understand that. Marakesh, 1962. Rome, 1964. Tokyo, 1966. I know your record backwards and forwards. You've had more sex on the job than a Swedish stewardess. The shadow Felicity tries to cram the tennis racket into what appears to be Austin's ass. AUSTIN (V.O.) You're right, Felicity, I can't deny it. But the world changed, and I changed too. Pull back to reveal that THE HE-BOTS are watching. Felicity shoves the tennis racket extra hard. Austin stands up rapidly. AUSTIN (V.O.) Ow! (beat) My back hurts. FELICITY (V.O.) Are you OK? AUSTIN (V.O.) I'm fine, just keeping packing. The He-Bots shrug their shoulders and march towards the tent. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 60'S Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, Scott, Number Two and Frau are seated. FAT BASTARD Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here. DR. EVIL It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions. We've put up some air fresheners. FAT BASTARD Great, now it smells like someone took a shite in a pine tree. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded into the rocket. You're ready for launch. DR. EVIL I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis. I have so few pleasures, you know. Austin and Felicity are brought in at gunpoint by Private Army Men. DR. EVIL Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell, welcome to my hollowed-out volcano. AUSTIN We meet again, Dr. Evil. DR. EVIL Yes, the only reason I'm keeping you alive is so you can feel the agony of watching my plan unfold. AUSTIN Dr. Evil your plan will never-- Austin trails off as he spots his MOJO in the beaker behind Dr. Evil. DR. EVIL Oh, is that yours? AUSTIN My mojo! DR. EVIL You know what they say: finders keepers, loser weepers. FELICITY Dr. Evil, do you like real estate? DR. EVIL Of course. Why? Felicity kicks Dr. Evil in the balls. FELICITY Now you've got a couple of achers. DR. EVIL Oww! My stomach hurts! AUSTIN (wincing) I don't care if he is evil, you don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket, baby. DR. EVIL Take them away. The guards lead Austin and Felicity away. SCOTT She just hoofed you in the sack and you're going to leave them alone in a jail cell with one inept guard? They'll escape, dipshit. You do this every time! DR. EVIL You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, young man. SCOTT You don't own me! DR. EVIL I do actually. (pulling out paper) It's complicated. Usually it's illegal but this buddy of mine... but I digress. Fat Bastard, I'm leaving you in charge. I'm going up the moon to hold the world ransom with my giant laser, I shouldn't be long. FAT BASTARD What about Powers? DR. EVIL He's tucked away safely in his cell. He's harmless without that mojo. Guard it with your life. (to Number Two) Number Two, begin the countdown. The area around Dr. Evil's command chair, including the time portal behind it, is enclosed by a circular door, becoming part of the rocket. Steam begins billowing, etc. NUMBER TWO Five, four, three... EXT. VOLCANO ISLAND (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN) NUMBER TWO (V.O.) Two, one, liftoff! The rocket lifts off from the volcano into the night sky. EXT. NIGHT SKY (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN) The rocket in flight. FULL SCREEN - NORAD TRACKING SCREEN The rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a flying penis. INT. TRACKING ROOM OPERATOR Colonel, you better have a look at this radar. COLONEL What is it, son? OPERATOR I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant-- CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT - JET PILOT Dick! CO-PILOT Yes? PILOT Take a look out of starboard. CO-PILOT Oh my God, it looks like a huge-- EXT. WOODS MAN Pecker! WOMAN Where? He raises his binoculars. MAN Over there. A rare red-billed woodpecker! (looks over with binoculars) What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's- CUT TO: EXT. ARMY BASE SERGEANT Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with- EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND UMPIRE Two balls! No strikes. (looking up) What is that? It looks just like an enormous-- CUT BACK TO: INT. RADAR ROOM COLONEL Johnson! RADAR OPERATOR Yes, sir? COLONEL Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this. INT. JAIL CELL Austin and Felicity are in a bare cell with cement walls. The huge metal door has a window with bars in it. FELICITY How are we going to get out of here? AUSTIN Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again? FELICITY (exploding) Austin, that is it! I don't know what happened to you in the Nineties, but I'm still here, in the Sixties, and I still swing! Don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just because you lost your mojo! That one hurts. AUSTIN Ouch, baby, very ouch. I'm wounded. FELICITY I'm sorry, Austin, that was a cheap shot. AUSTIN No, baby, you're right. I was wrong to judge you. I guess I am... jealous. FELICITY But the Austin Powers I knew was wild and crazy and free. He could never be jealous. AUSTIN That Austin is gone. I've changed. I knew someone, not long ago, a very special woman. She taught me that life isn't about jumping into the sack with whoever comes along, it's about caring and responsibility. And while it is true she turned out to be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil, I suppose I really did... love her. FELICITY Was that your wife? AUSTIN Yes, Vanessa. Felicity is touched. FELICITY Listen, Austin, I can't pretend to understand everything you've gone through, but I trust you. I'll make you a deal: if we get out of here alive, I'll give monogamy a try. AUSTIN With me? FELICITY Yes, silly. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! They kiss. FELICITY We need to lure the guard inside and get his key. AUSTIN Alright, what if I pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, will come to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit and line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've got the key. What do you think? FELICITY That might work, but how about this? Felicity charges towards the window in the door, ripping open her blouse as she goes, showing her breasts to the guard. We, however, can't see them. FELICITY (giving a wolf whistle) What do you think of these, my man? INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CELL The guard is mesmerized by Felicity. GUARD Mommy... He unlocks the door and enters. INT. JAIL CELL The guard enters an apparently empty cell. We see that Austin is wedged spread-eagle above the door, ready to pounce. FELICITY (seductive, to guard) It's very hot in here, don't you think? The guard follows her into the cell. FELICITY (irritated) It's very hot in here, don't you think? The guard advances on her. FELICITY (breaking cover) Austin! AUSTIN (from above) I'm very firmly wedged. FELICITY If you want something done... She PUNCHES the guard right in the face and he collapses. AUSTIN Almost... got it! Austin falls flat on his face with a THUMP and pops back up. AUSTIN Let's go get my mojo! INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE It is a stark, steel girder and glass structure. Dr. Evil is trying to look dignified but he is FLOATING AWAY. He grabs at the railing of his chair as his feet float up. DR. EVIL Has anyone seen my gravity booties? Honestly, all I wanted was a frickin' moon base. Hello, we're on the moon, no gravity? (calling out) Mini-Me? Are you alright? ANGLE ON THE TOP OF THE ROOM. Mini-Me is stuck to the top of the ceiling along with a lot of DEBRIS. DR. EVIL My frickin' mascot is stuck to the ceiling, OK? Not good. Papa not happy. A couple of henchmen place BOOTS on Dr. Evil. He drops to the floor. DR. EVIL (looking up) Somebody get the stick. Hold on, Mini-Me. (into microphone) Begin laser- He's interrupted by terrible FEEDBACK. Dr. Evil taps and blows on the mic. DR. EVIL (into microphone). Begin- Worse FEEDBACK. He holds it farther away. DR. EVIL (into mic) Begin laser ignition sequence. The laser's coils begin to glow RED. DR. EVIL Lunar alignment in 6 hours. FULL FRAME - LUNAR TRACKING MODEL A NORAD-type screen showing the current position of the moon and where it needs to be before the laser can fire. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM Austin and Felicity run into the Main Room. It is strangely dark and quiet. FELICITY Where's your mojo, Austin? AUSTIN I'm not sure. MUSIC: It's Raining Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS Suddenly, the lights dim. The three He-Bots descend from the ceiling on trapezes and acrobatic rings, their muscles rippling. AUSTIN Watch out, baby, He-Bots! The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like a perfect Olympic dismount. Their crotch nozzles flip up one by one. AUSTIN I can't fight them without my mojo. FELICITY Who said anything about fighting? MUSIC: seductive music Felicity does a very seductive dance, with hip thrusts and bumps and grinds. The He-Bots EXPLODE, succumbing to her mojo. AUSTIN Smashing, Felicity, you were making me very horny, man! Extremely randy, indeed! FAT BASTARD (O.S.) C'mon, give the lads a show. Take of your top. Put 'em on the glass! Make 'em bounce. Let's have a look at your tits. Austin and Felicity turn to see Fat Bastard lurking in the background. AUSTIN Fat Bastard! FAT BASTARD Looking for this, Mr. Powers? Fat Bastard, holds the beaker and is flanked by a dozen private army men. AUSTIN Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard! FAT BASTARD I give the orders, (bleep) for brains. Guards, take them back to their cells. Guards approach. FELICITY Hold on, let me ask you one question. FAT BASTARD Alright, I guess I owe you that much for a night of carnal ecstasy. Austin is grossed out. FELICITY Are you happy? FAT BASTARD What kind of stupid ass question is that? I'm (bleep)in' rich and I'm up to my tits in clean stinky. FELICITY You didn't answer my question, are you happy? FAT BASTARD It's about my girth isn't it? Sure I could lose a few pounds, but I could shiva git! FELICITY Are you happy? FAT BASTARD Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more (bleep)in' chins than a Chinese phone book. I've got more crack cheese than a (bleep)in' dairy. I've nay seen ma willie in two years. That's enough time to declare it legally deed! I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat. (starts to cry) I'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape! AUSTIN Maybe inside that Fat Bastard there's a thin bastard, trying to get out FAT BASTARD Maybe there's big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass! Enough of your (bleep)in' new age aphorisms. Listen, I've run the gamut of self- help books. "Food isn't love", right, but how do you get it from the page to the (bleep)in' fork? I'm so weak, I hate myself. I'm for shite. Here, take the mojo. Fat Bastard hands over the mojo. FAT BASTARD I appreciate you trying to reach me, no one can do it for me, I know this now. There's a hole in my soul that food won't fill. This is the beginning of a new me. I'm gonna go to the gym everyday. If you'll excuse me, there's someone I have to get in touch with and forgive... myself. (pause) Sorry. I farted. (pause) It's a long road ahead. EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - DAY Austin and Felicity run up to the Beetle. AUSTIN Hold on, I have something very important to do. Austin drinks the mojo. FELICITY How do you feel? AUSTIN Sound as a pound, my spuds are boiling. Fancy a shag? FELICITY Austin, we don't have time. AUSTIN C'mon, luv, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing! FELICITY Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the moon. The world is in danger. AUSTIN Right, the moon. I think I know someone who can give us a lift. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE) The Apollo ready for lift-off. NEWSCASTER (V.O.) There's been some sort of delay in the launch of Apollo 11, Walter, but we understand that America's first manned mission to the moon will be blasting off shortly. INT. CAPSULE Pan across Austin in a spacesuit, then Felicity in her spacesuit, then CAMEO ASTRONAUT in his space suit. They are surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons and meters. AUSTIN Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out. ASTRONAUT I am a rocket scientist. A technician closes the hatch and the countdown begins. MISSION COMMANDER (V.O.) We will have lift-off in T minus 10 seconds... 9... 8... etc. AUSTIN Felicity, if you get frightened, just hold my hand. EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL (STOCK FOOTAGE) The rocket lifts off. MISSION COMMANDER (V.O.) We have lift-off! Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading for a rendezvous with the moon. INT. APOLLO CAPSULE The G-forces during lift-off are incredible. Austin's face is pulled into a contorted mask which bares his teeth. His hair sticks straight up and his glasses are twisted. Austin is terrified. He clutches Felicity's hand, then grabs on to the astronaut beside him. Felicity, however, loves it. FELICITY (yelling) Yaaaaa-hoooo! EXT. SPACE - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE) The stages separate. INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM Basil sits at the console with NASA technicians. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit. How was that lift-off? INT. CAPSULE - APOLLO ROCKET (INTERCUT) AUSTIN To be honest it was terrifying. It felt like sitting on top of a bomb. As I punched through the atmosphere, I said 'Oh my God!' and I soiled myself. BASIL EXPOSITION Happens all the time in that situation. AUSTIN No, I mean I soiled myself just now when I said oh 'my God!' FELICITY Basil, it was amazing! BASIL EXPOSITION Prepare for moon landing. We only have one hour until Dr. Evil fires the laser! EXT. MOON LANDING (STOCK FOOTAGE) The lunar module settles on the moon. AUSTIN (V.O.) Mission control, the swinger has landed. EXT. LUNAR MODULE - SURFACE OF THE MOON Austin and Felicity step out in their spacesuits. AUSTIN This is one small step for man, but a giant step for shagging. Can you imagine it, baby, weightless? The permutations are mind-boggling. FELICITY Naughty boy! Austin plants a UNION JACK on the moon. AUSTIN God Save the Queen. INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM The MISSION COMMANDER shakes his head. MISSION COMMANDER The Queen? This is an American show, goddammit. Let's roll that footage we shot last week in the studio. INT. 1960'S AMERICAN HOME (STOCK FOOTAGE) A family gathers around the TV, watching Neil Armstrong's 'real' moon landing. INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE Dr. Evil walks all the way around a TUBULAR HALLWAY-- up the walls, across the ceiling upside down, and back again, settling into his chair. It is like that shot in 2001 SPACE ODYSSEY. DR. EVIL Position the laser. The laser shifts into place. An ALARM goes off and LIGHTS FLASH. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION! DR. EVIL Get me the President. THE SCREEN FLICKERS ON: DR. EVIL Mr. President, your time is up. This is your last chance to pay 100 billion dollars or see Washington DC destroyed. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION! The ALARM continues to blare. INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN) The President at his desk. PRESIDENT What? I can't hear you. DR. EVIL Pay me 100 billion dollars or see Washington DC destroyed! The ALARM BLARES. PRESIDENT I'm sorry, I just can't hear you. DR. EVIL (louder) How about now? PRESIDENT Better. DR. EVIL The Capital will be destroyed- The ALARM BLARES. PRESIDENT Sorry! I just can't- I think it's that alarm. DR. EVIL Could someone shut off that frickin' alarm? I'm trying to hold the free world hostage here. Honestly. (shouting) WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS YOU PAY ME- The ALARM SHUTS OFF but Dr. Evil is still shouting. DR. EVIL (shouting) 100 BILLION DOLLARS! His yelling startles even himself. PRESIDENT Please Dr. Evil, be reasonable. That's more money than is in the entire Federal Treasury! DR. EVIL Oh well, I guess you have one minute to- "show me the money"! PRESIDENT I still don't know what that means. I can't show you the money because we don't have the money. DR. EVIL Then I suppose you're up shit's crick without a paddle. INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM A white room with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a tracking screen. Basil, several GENERALS, and other VIPs look anxiously over the shoulder of the MISSION CONTROL SPECIALISTS. BASIL EXPOSITION Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the moon. We'll soon know whether he has succeeded or whether the world will be destroyed! INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - HALLWAY Austin and Felicity enter through a hatch and step out of their spacesuits. FELICITY Let's find Dr. Evil. Suddenly, Austin notices something. AUSTIN Shhh... He points. We see a profile through a sheet of frosted glass. It is Dr. Evil's distinctive profile, with a machine gun. Austin takes careful aim and FIRES. We see the SHADOW take the hit, and fall. FELICITY Austin, you've done it! You got Dr. Evil! AUSTIN Of course I did, baby, I got my mojo working overtime. FELICITY Austin, I'm going ahead. Cover my rear! AUSTIN Oh, behave! Felicity runs ahead. Austin runs over to where the shadow came from. He sees that it was not Dr. Evil, but MINI-ME, carrying a little gun. Austin is ashamed. AUSTIN Poor little bugger. He's so small, he's like a dog or something. Austin chokes back a tear. AUSTIN Poor little bugger. (realizing) Felicity, be careful! Dr. Evil is still alive! Felicity? Austin runs after her. INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM Austin rounds the corner and comes upon Dr. Evil. AUSTIN (holding his gun on Dr. Evil) Alright, slap-head, turn around. Slowly. DR. EVIL Aren't you forgetting something? A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing FELICITY, enclosed in a glass tube. AUSTIN Felicity! (to Dr. Evil) What have you done to her? DR. EVIL Don't worry, she's not dead... yet. Brightly colored GAS starts to fill the glass chamber. FELICITY (muffled through glass) Don't worry about me Austin. You've got to save the world! DR. EVIL It looks like you have a choice, Powers: save the world, or save your girlfriend. Austin is torn. He looks back and forth between Felicity and the laser which is on the other side of the room. AUSTIN I've got my mojo back, man, I can do both. DR. EVIL We'll see. Fire the laser! The woman manning the laser's joystick begins to MOVE IT. Austin leaps across the room and reaches her just in time. AUSTIN Hands off my joystick, baby. He wrestles with her a moment and then KNOCKS IT ASKEW. EXT. SPACE The laser beam hits the Big Boy Rocket in the crotch and Big Boy's eyes cross in pain. INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM DR. EVIL Damn you, Powers! Dr. Evil hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button. An ALARM blares. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Warning! Self-destruct sequence initiated! The base is rocked by EXPLOSIONS. AUSTIN See, Dr. Evil I told you I could do both. DR. EVIL Perhaps you spoke too soon. Austin looks over. Felicity has slumped over in the tube. AUSTIN Noooooo! Austin BANGS on the glass with his fists. AUSTIN Felicity! Felicity. Wake up! Wake up! Please God, don't take her away. It is too late. Dr. Evil runs through the TIME PORTAL and gets away. AUSTIN Felicity, you have to understand, I thought I had my mojo back. This isn't fair. Austin looks up to the heavens. We see a quick-- FLASHBACK - MONTAGE of moments they shared, Austin making her laugh, their first kiss, of Felicity being her beautiful and free-spirited self. A tear runs down his cheek. Austin presses his face against the glass as if trying to reach her. AUSTIN I love you, Felicity! I know I couldn't say it before, but I really do love you! (enraged) Dr. Evil, I'll kill him! Austin starts to chase him, but THREE PRIVATE ARMY MEN block his path. Austin is like an animal. He charges toward the first soldier, RIPS HIS HEART OUT, and takes a bite out of it. Then Austin turns to the second soldier and RIPS HIS SPINE OUT like in Mortal Kombat. The soldier slumps to the ground. The last soldier is terrified. Austin swings both fists simultaneously, crushing the guy's head which EXPLODES LIKE A PUMPKIN. Austin runs over to the TIME PORTAL set for "75 BC". He runs through. CUT TO: INT. ROMAN VILLA - 75 BC An orgy is taking place. Dr. Evil is in a toga with a laurel with two YOUNG ROMAN MEN feeding him grapes. DR. EVIL You make love to your wife out of duty, your mistress for pleasure, and a Roman boy for ecstasy. (noticing Austin) Shit. He runs away as Austin appears through the TIME PORTAL. Austin follows Dr. Evil into another TIME PORTAL marked "1975". EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD - Austin emerges from the TIME PORTAL to see Dr. Evil getting into a car. Austin waves his hands and a 1974 RED FORD TORINO with a white stripe pulls over. AUSTIN I have to commandeer this vehicle. (noticing) Hey, aren't you Hutch? VOICE (O.S.) No. We see PAUL MICHAEL GLASER (STARSKY). PAUL MICHAEL GLASER I'm Starsky. DAVID SOUL I'm Hutch. Austin jumps in and the Torino speeds off. Dr. Evil's car disappears into a car wash which is a TIME PORTAL. The Torino follows. A sign at the car wash reads: "1911" CUT TO: EXT. DECK OF THE TITANIC - Passengers in period garb walk past a lifesaver with "Titanic" stenciled above it. Dr. Evil enters through a portal with Austin hot on his heels. CAPTAIN (O.S.) Iceberg, dead ahead! Suddenly the ship tilts at a radical angle. LEONARDO DICAPRIO, KATE WINSLET, and JAMES CAMERON slide by. JAMES CAMERON I'm king of the world! Dr. Evil and Austin slide backwards into the TIME PORTAL they just came from. CUT TO: EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY - Dr. Evil runs into the street with Austin chasing him. In SLO-MO Austin dives for a ridiculously long time, and TACKLES Dr. Evil, pinning him. AUSTIN I'm going to kill you, you bastard! DR. EVIL (breathing heavily) Before you do that, know this: Austin, I am... your... father. MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING AUSTIN Really? DR. EVIL No. I can't back that up. I was just grasping at straws. I had nothing. But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, you really have become a product of the Nineties. AUSTIN How so? DR. EVIL You're more interested in your job as glorified policeman than you are in love. You won the battle, but I won the war. Love means nothing, you've proved it. AUSTIN I didn't think that Felicity was going to die, man. DR. EVIL What a cowardly response. I'm disappointed really. You have the power to go back in time and save her, but it means letting me go. Austin looks over and sees a TIME PORTAL. Through it he can glimpse the lair, and Felicity. DR. EVIL Well, Mr. Powers, which is it going to be? Me or the girl? AUSTIN Felicity! Austin runs through. CUT TO: INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - 60'S We see the scene from a moment ago. Felicity is in the glass tube and the BRIGHTLY COLORED GAS is starting to fill it. DR. EVIL It looks like you have a choice: save the world, or save your girlfriend. AUSTIN I choose love, baby. Austin runs over to the glass tube and SMASHES HIS FIST through it. The glass SHATTERS and Austin pulls Felicity out. She gasps for air. AUSTIN Felicity, I love you. FELICITY (breathless) But I thought- AUSTIN That was another place and another time, baby. Austin kisses her for a long time. She starts to twitch. She struggles. She hits him in the head and he finally stops kissing her. FELICITY (gasping) Can't. Breathe. AUSTIN Sorry, baby, I got a little over- stimulated. DR. EVIL Fire the laser! AUSTIN What do we do? FELICITY Use your mojo! AUSTIN I don't have it! FELICITY Trust me, you do! Austin turns and gives a 'who me?' look over his bottom. The woman arming the laser stumbles backwards into the directional control just as it FIRES. EXT. SPACE The Big Boy Rocket spins to avoid the laser as it passes harmlessly by. INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM Jubilation. BASIL EXPOSITION He did it, he saved the world! (calming down) Of course, I thought he might. INT. DR, EVILIS MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM FELICITY Austin, you did it! They embrace. AUSTIN Uh-oh. (beat) I think I just got my mojo back. Really. FELICITY Austin, you had it all along. No one can take your, mojo away from you! DR. EVIL Good-bye, Mr. Powers, for the last time. Dr. Evil hits the SELF-DESTRUCT button and climbs aboard the rocket, which blasts off. EXT. SPACE (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN EFFECT) Dr. Evil's escape rocket in flight. FULL SCREEN - RADAR Dr. Evil's rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a flying penis. INT. RADAR ROOM RADAR OPERATOR Sir, you better have a look at this radar. COLONEL What is it? RADAR OPERATOR don't know, sir. It's hard to describe. It's... it's- CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR Just a little prick! The kid CRIES. DOCTOR All done! (out the window) Good lord, what is that? If I didn't know better I'd say it's a- CUT TO: INT. CHINESE COMMUNIST CLASSROOM CHINESE TEACHER Wang! One of the STUDENTS, dressed in a green Mao suit and clutching a red book is caught looking out the window. CHINESE TEACHER Pay attention! CHINESE STUDENT I'm sorry, Comrade Teacher. (pointing out window) was distracted by that enormous flying- EXT. BEACH RACHEL HUNTER Rod? ROD STEWART Yes, Rachel? RACHEL HUNTER (pointing to sky) What's that? ROD STEWART (looking up) It looks like a giant- CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM OLD LADY TEACHER Penis! (pointing to her chart) The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhackers, wankers, schlongs, or-- CUT TO: INT. NASA CONTROL BASIL EXPOSITION Peters! CAPTAIN PETERS Yes, sir? BASIL EXPOSITION Any word from Austin? CAPTAIN PETERS We've picked up his signal, but the lunar base seems to self-destructing. BASIL EXPOSITION (on microphone) Austin, if you can hear me, use the time portal! There's no time to get to the lunar module! Use the time portal! INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE Austin stumbles. Felicity looks at him. FELICITY Austin, you have to get to the time portal! AUSTIN Come with me, Felicity! It's the only way out! FELICITY Austin, will I fit in the Nineties? AUSTIN If I did, anyone can. Let's go, baby! The TIME PORTAL is fifty feet away. Austin and Felicity run towards it. In the foreground, are a stack of conveniently placed barrels. As they run behind the barrels, an obvious AUSTIN STUNT DOUBLE and an obvious FELICITY STUNT DOUBLE emerge in their place. The stunt doubles grab a winch hanging above them and cross over to the TIME PORTAL in a dramatic series of acrobatic flips and stunts. The stunt doubles run behind another conveniently placed pile of barrels. Austin and Felicity emerge in their place and run through the TIME PORTAL. The TIME PORTAL reads "1999". FADE TO BLACK: INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - 1999 - DAY It is the most up-to-date modern apartment you've ever seen in your life. There is a large screen TV, a DVD player etc. Movers move in tasteful modern furniture and various other accouterments of moving. Felicity puts a CD on an old style turntable. SFX: SCREEEECH!! FELICITY Sorry! AUSTIN Don't worry baby it takes some getting used to. Let me ask you Felicity, do you feel any side effects from the time travel? Felicity smiles broadly, revealing that she now has TERRIBLE TEETH like Austin's. FELICITY I'm as healthy as a horse. AUSTIN I love you, Felicity. FELICITY And I love you. AUSTIN Do you want to get married? FELICITY Absolutely not. AUSTIN Thank God. They kiss. FADE TO BLACK. THE END

unformated_scripts/Script_Badlands.txt

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+BADLANDSby Terence MalickFinal VersionDialogue and ContinuityFADE ININT. BEDROOM The time is 1959. HOLLY SARGIS, the 15-year-old heroine, sits on her bed, petting her dog. The CAMERA DOLLIES BACK as she talks on VOICE OVER. HOLLY (v.o.)My mother died of pneumonia when I was just a kid. My father had kept their wedding cake in the freezer for ten whole years. After the funeral he gave it to the yardman... He tried to act cheerful, but he could never be consoled by the little stranger he found in his house. Then, one day, hoping to begin a new life away from the scene of all his memories, he moved us from Texas to Ft. Dupree, South Dakota.HOLD on FULL SHOT of bedroom. DISSOLVE TOEXT. ALLEYS AND STREETS - SERIES OF ANGLES - DAWN The streets and alleys of Ft. Dupree at dawn. On sound we hear the clucking of DOVES. A garbage truck appears. Details of the mechanisms at the back of the truck. NEW ANGLE KIT CARRUTHERS, the hero, a 25-year-old garbageman, kneels beside a dead dog. He inspects it briefly. then looks back at his friend and co-worker, CATO, a stocky man in his forties. KITI'll give you a dollar to eat this collie.Cato inspects the dog. CATOI'm not going to eat him for a dollar... I don't think he's a collie, either. Some kind of dog.They drive off. KITWatch your heads.NEW ANGLE The truck comes to a stop. Kit bangs on the driver's door. KITHey. Woody. Gimme a cigarette.WOODY waves him off. Kit shrugs to Cato. KITWoody wouldn't give me a cigarette. (pause) Ever notice he don't talk much?Cato agrees with this. They make a terrible racket, with no regard for the sleep of the neighbors. EXT. STREET Holly, whispering some rhyme to herself, twirls a baton in the middle of an empty street. HOLLY (v.o.)Little did I realize that what began in the alleys and back ways of this quiet town would end in the Badlands of Montana.EXT. ALLEY Kit tries to sell a passing BUM a pair of shoes. BUMNah. they wouldn't fit.KITHow do you know? You hadn't tried them on yet.BUMNah.KITGimme a dollar for them... Cost twenty new.The Bum walks off. Kit pitches the shoes to Cato. KITWhy don't you see if they fit you?Cato picks them up and looks at them. CLOSE ON TRASH CAN Kit is culling through a trash can, looking for valuables. reading other people's mail, etc. KIT (o.c.)This lady don't ever pay her bills. She's gonna get in trouble if she doesn't watch out.Cato, ignoring him, picks up a magazine that is lying in the grass. When the CAMERA returns to Kit, he has stripped off his apron. KITI throwed enough trash for today, Cato.... I'll see you In the morning.He slaps Cato on the back and walks off. Cato throws a mouldy loaf of bread at his back. CATOCatch!KITWhat do you mean?He throws the loaf back at Cato. EXT. ALLEYS Kit walks through the deserted alleys of the sleeping town... as the MAIN TITLES APPEAR. He balances a stolen mop on his finger; he stomps a can and looks around to see if anyone has spotted him at this. As the CREDITS end he sees Holly in front of her house twirling her baton. He crosses the street and introduces himself. EXT. FRONT LAWN KITHi, I'm Kit. I'm not keeping you from anything important, am I?HOLLYNo.KITWell, I was just messing around over there, thought I'd come over and say hello to you. (smiling) I'll try anything once. (pause) What's your name? I said mine.HOLLYHolly.KITListen, Holly. you want to take a walk with me?HOLLYWhat for?KITWell. I got some stuff to say. Guess I'm kind of lucky that way. Most people don't have anything on their minds, do they?Holly eyes him suspiciously. EXT. STREET They walk down the middle of the street. Holly has accepted his offer. KITOh, incidentally, my last name is Carruthers. Sounds a little too much like ìdruthers,î doesn't it?HOLLYIt's okay.KITWell, nobody asked me what I thought. They just hung it on me.Holly breaks the silence that follows. HOLLYYou still in school?KITNah, I got me a job.HOLLY (o.c.)Doing what? KITWell, I don't mind getting up early, so I got a job throwing garbage... I'm not in love with the stuff, okay.In the distance we hear Holly's FATHER calling her. She eases off. HOLLYThat's my father. I got to run.KITHey. wait a minute. When am I going to see you again?Holly isn't sure how to reply. HOLLYWell, I know what my daddy's going to say.KIT (o.c.)What?HOLLYCan I be honest?KITSure.HOLLYWell, that I shouldn't be seen with anybody that collects garbage.KIT (o.c.)He'll say that?HOLLYYeah.KIT (o.c.)Now what's he know about garbage, huh?HOLLYNothing.KIT (o.c.)There you go.HOLLYWell, I mean there's nothing he wants to know about it... I've got to run.She waves goodbye and runs off. Kit waves back. EXT. HOLLY'S BACK YARD Holly walks into the back yard, where her father is working. Half-painted signs lean against the garage. FATHERWho was that?HOLLYJust some boy.He throws some paint off his brush onto the ground. HOLLYIs that going to kill the grass?He flicks his brush teasingly at her feet. She retreats to a chair, giggling. HOLLYYou got some on my feet.FATHERWhat'd he want?HOLLYJust wanted to know if we needed any yardwork done... I said no, and for him not to bother us.INT. EMPLOYMENT AGENCY Kit is talking with a CLERK inside an employment agency. CLERK (o.c.)You ever held another job before?KITI used to throw trash for the City.CLERKYou lost that one?KITWouldn't be here if I hadn't.CLERKWhat kind of work do you think you would be qualified for? KITI can't think of anything at the moment... I'd like you to write me out a slip, though, proving I came down here.The Clerk leafs through his papers. CLERKWell, I think we could find you something... working cattle over at the pens.Kit sighs. KITWell. what the hell. Just hope there's a breeze.The Clerk gives him a slip of paper. EXT. FRONT PORCH OF HOLLY'S HOUSE Holly sees Kit approaching the house. HOLLY (v.o.)He was handsomer than anybody I'd ever met. He looked just like James Dean.She walks out the front door. KITHi.HOLLYWell, stop the world.KITQuit my job.HOLLYGreat.KITJust seemed like the right move... Whatcha doing?HOLLYSpanish.KIT (o.c.)How do you say "Quit my Job" in Spanish?HOLLYSomething mi trabajo.Kit offers her a cigarette, which she declines. KITYeah, well, I'm going to work as a cowboy now... Or thinking about it. It's a routine, like anything. What do you think?HOLLYI don't know.He pulls himself up onto the bannister beside her. KITWell, at least nobody could get on me about wearing these boots any more.She watches him intently. This makes him uncomfortable. KITYou want to go for a ride?HOLLYWell, I got homework.KIT (o.c.)Bring it along.His forwardness surprises her. EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET IN FT. DUPREE They are walking through the downtown area. Kit kicks a paper bag that someone has discarded on the sidewalk. KITSomebody dropped a bag on the sidewalk.She appears nervous about being seen alone with him. KITEverybody did that, the whole town'd be a mess ... Hi.He greets a passing stranger. KITYou're a redhead.HOLLYI know.KITAnybody ever call you "Red"?HOLLYYeah, but I don't like it.KITWhy not?HOLLYJust don't... I've got a headache.KITYeah?He steers her toward his car, a customized Mercury. As she gets in, he asks herKIT (o.c.)Can I come around and see you tomorrow?HOLLY (startled)Okay.EXT. FEEDLOT - SERIES OF ANGLES We see Kit at work at the feedlot. throwing hay to the cattle, feeding them pills, etc. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit went to work in the feedlot while I carried on with my studies. Little by little we fell in love... As I'd never been popular in school and didn't have a lot of personality, I was surprised that he took such a liking to me, especially when he could've had any other girl in town if he'd given it half a try.The MONTAGE includes a shot of Holly running toward Kit's car for some rendezvous. HOLLY (v.o.)He said that I was grand, though, that he wasn't interested in me for sex and that coming from him this was a compliment. Held never met a fifteen-year-old girl who behaved more like a grownup and wasn't giggly. He didn't care what anybody else thought. I looked good to him, and whatever I did was okay, and if I didn't have a lot to say, well, that was okay, too.EXT. TREE BESIDE RIVER Kit and Holly are sitting under a tree. playing cards on a blanket. Holly surveys the area. HOLLYWhat a nice place.KIT (absorbed in game)Yeah, the tree makes it nice.HOLLYAnd the flowers... Let's not pick them. They're so nice.KITIt's your play.SERIES OF ANGLES Holly's father paints a picture. using a stereopticon to help with his backgrounds. TRACK with Kit driving down a street in his Mercury. Holly sits watching football practice. HOLLY (v.o.)Of course I had to keep all this a secret from my dad. He would've had a fit, since Kit was ten years older than me and came from the wrong side of the tracks, so called. Our time with each other was limited and each lived for the precious hours when he or she could be with the other away from all the cares of the world.EXT. UNDERNEATH BLEACHERS Kit and Holly are necking underneath some bleachers. In the distance we hear the NOISE of the football practice. HOLLYMy stomach's growling.KITThere's an old Fudgesicle over there. You want it?HOLLYNo.Kit laughs, and starts her laughing, too. KITSomebody else is going to get it.HOLLYI don't care.KITKids eat that kind of stuff in Korea.At this her expression turns serious. SERIES OF ANGLES Kit in CLOSEUP at a fence in the feedlot, an intense look on his face. VARIOUS ANGLES of the cattle in their pens. They look numb and morose. TIGHT SHOT of Holly necking with Kit. HOLLY (v.o.)In the stench and slime of the feedlot, he'd remember how I looked the night before, how I ran my hand through his hair and traced the outline of his lips with my fingertip. He wanted to die with me, and I dreamed of being lost forever in his arms.EXT. HOLLY'S BACK YARD TIGHT SHOT of Holly's pet catfish in a bowl. CUT TO WIDE SHOT of Holly with gloves on carrying the fish through the garden in back of her house. She looks around warily, then throws it out among the melons. HOLLY (v.o.)The whole time, the only thing I did wrong was throwing out my fish when he got sick. Later I got a new one, but this incident kept on bothering me and I turned to Kit.EXT. STREET Kit and Holly walk down a sidewalk in the residential part of town. Kit is consoling her about the fish. HOLLY (v.o.)I didn't mind telling Kit about stuff like this, cause strange things happened in his life, too, and some of the stuff he did was strange.EXT. FEEDLOT Kit steps on top of a dead cow, as though to convince himself that it is dead. HOLLY (v.o.)For instance,. he faked his signature whenever he used it, to keep other people from forging important papers with his name...INT. HOLLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The CAMERA DOLLIES BACK to reveal Kit lying in bed. His attitude suggests that this is a scene of her fantasy. HOLLY (v.o.)And as he lay in bed, in the middle of the night, he always heard a noise like somebody was holding a seashell against his ear. And sometimes he'd see me coming toward him in beautiful white robes, and I'd put my cold hand on his forehead.EXT. RIVERBANK Kit puts on his jacket and heads down a riverbank to the edge of the water. Holly comes into view, buttoning her blouse. HOLLYDid it go the way it 'uz supposed to?KITYeah.HOLLYIs that all there is to it?KITYeah.Her questions make him uncomfortable. HOLLYGosh, what was everybody talking about?KITDon't ask me.Silence. HOLLYWell. I'm glad it's over... For a while I was afraid I might die before it happened... Had a wreck, some deal like that.Kit points to an uprooted tree lying in the water a hundred feet away. KITYou see where that tree fell in the water?He climbs back up the bank. HOLLYYeah... The river must've washed the roots away... You don't care about anything I say, though.DISSOLVE TOEXT. NEIGHBORING AREA Holly walks down the bank of the river. Kit falls in behind her, carrying a large stone. The CAMERA DOLLIES with them. KITYou know what I think?HOLLYWhat?KITThat we should crunch our hands with this stone. That way we'd never forget what happened today.HOLLYBut it would hurt.KITWell, that's the point, stupid.She gives him a cold look. HOLLYDon't call me stupid.KITOkay, but I'm going to keep it for a souvenir...He throws it awav and picks up a smaller one. KITOr maybe one that's lighter.He walks over to the car. A bridge is visible in the distance. EXT. FIELD Kit releases a large red balloon into the evening sky. A small basket is fixed to the bottom of the balloon. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit made a solemn vow that he would always stand beside me and let nothing come between us. He wrote this out in writing, put the paper in a box with some of our little tokens and things, then sent it off in a balloon he'd found while on the garbage route. (pause) His heart was filled with longing as he watched it drift off. Something must've told him that we'd never live these days of happiness again, that they were gone forever.DISSOLVE TOEXT. CATTAILS Holly's dog bounds through a stand of cattails. Holly speaks angrily to her father, who walks toward the dog with a gun. We do not hear their voices, only music. He shoots the dog and Holly runs off in horror. HOLLY (v.o.)Then, sure enough, Dad found out I'd been running around behind his back. He was madder than I'd ever seen him. As punishment for deceiving him, he went and shot my dog.EXT. BRIDGE Holly's father drags a duffel bag out of his truck and dumps it over the side of a bridge, into a river. It goes under briefly, then bobs to the surface. The current takes it off. DISSOLVE TOEXT. MUSIC SCHOOL Holly sits in the second-story window of a music school. HOLLY (v.o.)He made me take extra music lessons every day after school and wait there till he came to pick me up. He said that if the piano didn't keep me off the streets. maybe the clarinet would.DISSOLVE TOEXT. BILLBOARD Kit approaches Holly's father, who is hard at work, painting a billboard along a deserted stretch of road. Kit is eating a peach. KITSure is pretty.FATHERWhat'd you come out here for?KITI wasn't aware there was any law against it.Kit sees that this kind of talk will not do. He is silent for a moment, then throws the peach away. KITYou know Holly... well. she means a lot to me, sir.Holly's father goes solemnly about his business. KITYou know, before I met her, nobody could ask me how I was doing with my girl. Matter of fact, I didn't really have one.FATHERIs that right?KITYeah.Kit walks off a few paces and leans against the father's truck. KITIt okay me leaning on your Willys here?Holly's father does not answer. KITListen. I got a lot of respect for her, sir. (pause) That's about as good a one as I know to tell you.FATHERWell, it's not good enough. (pause) Just what do you think would happen to her if she stuck around with you, Kit? Guy like you.KITShe'd get along okay. And if she didn't, well, she could take off, just take off, (and) I wouldn't mind... I'd always tell people I deserved it.Holly's father comes to his feet and fixes Kit in the eye. FATHERYou get out of here. I don't want you hanging around any more. You understand?He lets these words sink in, then returns to his seat. FATHER(shaking his head) You're something.Kit waves goodbye. KITTakes all kinds, sir.He walks to his car, looking back once. SERIES OF ANGLES LONG SHOT of father at work at billboard. Kit approaches Holly's house, collects the evening newspaper from the sidewalk, and knocks on the front door. Holly's father picks her up from a park outside the music school. Kit, when he gets no answer, enters the house. The jeep, with Holly and her father, rumbles down a residential street. INT. HOLLY'S HOUSE Kit is going through Holly's dresser, throwing her things into a suitcase. A pistol is visible in his back pocket. Suddenly, Holly's father appears in the dresser mirror, standing at the end of the hall outside the bedroom. Kit walks forward to greet him. The CAMERA DOLLIES with him. KITHi.FATHERWhat're you doing?KITI've got a gun here, sir. It's always a good idea to have one around.Kit draws the pistol. He is shaken, though he must have seen this coming. FATHERWhat do you think you're doing? Go on, get out of here.KITWell, I got it all planned... and I'm taking Holly off with me.He looks at Holly, who has appeared on the landing, uncertain what her reaction to all this will be. FATHEROkay, boy, I'm turning you over to the authorities.Kit steps forward as Holly's father starts down the stairs. KITWhat for?FATHERFor coming onto my property... With a gun.KITNo, you're not either.FATHER (o.c.)Yeah? Why not?KITCause I can't allow it.Holly's father stares at him for a moment, then continues down the stairs. Kit starts forward. KITHey... Hey, wait a minute.His shout arrests Holly's father at the bottom of the stairs. KITSuppose I shot you. How'd that be? Huh?Holly's father does not move. KITYou want to hear what it sounds like?He fires a shot into the stairs. The report is deafening in the enclosure of the stairwell. They exchange looks. Kit's breathing is heavy. INT. LIVING ROOM Holly's father turns and walks into the living room. Kit rushes down the stairs. Holly shouts his name. KITHey, where you going?He fires two shots into Holly's father, who slowly sinks to the floor. Kit unlimbers his shoulder. Holly rushes down the stairs to her father's side. HOLLYDaddy... This is Holly... Are you going to be okay?Her father does not respond. She looks back at Kit, who avoids her gaze. She gets to her feet and walks nto the kitchen. Kit follows her. INT. KITCHEN Kit closes the back door to the house. KITI came in the front.HOLLYHow bad off is he?KIT (o.c.)I can look and see.HOLLYWe better call the doctor... Listen. I'll say how it happened, part I saw.KIT (sighs)Well... I don't think that'd work.This startles Holly. INT. LIVING ROOM Kit touches the father's heart. KITHe don't need a doctor.He walks back into the kitchen. HOLLYAre you sure?KITYou don't believe me, see for yourself.Holly stares at her father. DISSOLVE TOEXT. HOLLY'S HOUSE - DUSK LOW ANGLE of Holly's house silhouetted against the evening sky. On sound the NOISE of CICADAS. INT. CELLAR Kit drags Holly's father into the cellar. sets him down gently, then eases out of the room, taking a discarded toaster with him. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Kit comes up the steps from the cellar. Holly stands at the drainboard. KITI found a toaster.He sets down the toaster and walks over to Holly's side. KITListen, honey. I don't want to...She slaps him across the forehead. He walks into the now darkened living room, and sits down at the piano. After a moment Holly follows him. INT. LIVING ROOM ~ NIGHT Holly sits down on the sofa across from Kit. HOLLYListen, maybe we ought to tell somebody about this.KITYou said that once already... Too late now.HOLLYWhy?KITThey're not going to listen to me. You either. Are you kidding?A silence follows. HOLLYSuppose the neighbors heard the noise?KITWouldn't be funny... Listen, I'll be back in a while.He gets up and heads for the front door. KITOh... You want to call the police, that's fine. Just won't be so hot for me.There are tears in Holly's eyes now. They exchange looks as Kit opens the front door. Then he leaves. Holly settles back on the couch. EXT. HOLLY'S HOUSE - NIGHT The house by night. INT. HALLWAY AND BEDROOM - NIGHT Holly comes up the stairs, smoking a cigarette. She walks to her bedroom window. The CAMERA DOLLIES with her. Outside, under the street lamp, she can see two boys trading secrets. INT. TRAIN STATION - NIGHT Kit puts fifty cents into a gramophone booth. He clears his voice as the machine whirs Into operation. KITMy girl Holly and I have decided to kill ourselves, same way I did her dad. Big decision huh? Well, the reasons are obvious, and I don't have time to go into them right now... One thing, though... He was provoking me when I popped him. That's what it was like, a POP.Inserts of the booth's mechanisma light panel measuring off the seconds and the needle on the record. KITCourse nobody's coming out of this thing happy, especially not us. You can't deny we've had fun, though. Which is more than I can say for some.... Mmmm. that's the end of the message. I run out of things to say... Thank you.He gets these last words in just as his time is up. He gets the record and steps outside the booth, into the lobby of a train station. DISSOLVE TOINT. HOLLY'S LIVING ROOM - SERIES OF ANGLES - NIGHT Kit slams a ten-gallon can of gasoline down on the piano bench, opens it and begins pouring it out over the interior of the house, kicking aside everything that comes in his way. EXT. REAR OF HOUSE - NIGHT Holly comes out the screen door at the back of the house, carrying a suitcase and a painting. Kit appears with a lamp on an extension cord. He sets it down beside a victrola he has set up on a table outdoors. He puts the needle on the record he recorded earlier. Holly watches him as she retreats to the car. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit left a record playing over and over for the District Attorney to find. He was gambling for time.Kit unplugs the lamp, lights a book of matches and pitches them into a puddle of gas. The back porch of the house explodes into flame. Kit runs to the car with the lamp, caught off guard by the force of the flames. They drive off. INT./EXT HOUSE ON FIRE - SERIES OF ANGLES - NIGHT Various objects around the house burst into flamesa picture we saw on the stairs. some peacock feathers, a cantaloupe and a pomegranate left on the kitchen table, the living room, Holly's bedroom, the bed itself, a doll on the bed, an A&W Root Beer sign outside the house, a water can, flames swirling out the front of the house. Holly's father in CLOSEUP in the cellar, sheet music lifting off the piano. etc. At length the CAMERA PANS over the charred frame of Holly's bed. Outside a fireman moves with a flashlight through the embers of the house. INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR Holly collects her books from a locker at her school and walks anxiously down a corridor towards the exit. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit made me get my books from school, so I wouldn't fall behind. We'd be starting a new life, he said. and we'd have to change our names. His would be James. Mine would be Priscilla. We'd hide out like spies, somewhere in the North, where people didn't ask a lot of questions.EXT. SCHOOL - DAWN Holly breaks into a run as she comes through the front door of the high school. Kit waits for her at the car. There is nobody else in sight. HOLLY (v.o.)I could of snuck out the back or hid in the boiler room, I suppose, but I sensed that my destiny now lay with Kit, for better or for worse, and that it was better to spend a week with one who loved me for what I was than years of loneliness.She gets into the car and they drive off. INT. MERCURY - DAWN Kit studies Holly for signs of her mood. KITHow you doing?HOLLY (neutrally)I'm fine. Kind of tired. KITYeah, me too.The car sails down a quiet street. DISSOLVE TOEXT. RIVER The CAMERA DOLLIES with a tree floating down a swollen river. Cottonwood trees cover the far bank. HOLLY (v.o.)We hid out In the wilderness,down by a river in a grove of cottonwoods. It being the flood season we built our house in the trees, with tamarisk walls and willows laid side by side to make a floor. There wasn't a plant in the forest that didn't come in handy.CLOSEUPS OF PLAIQTS - SERIES OF ANGLES Details of the cottonwoods, willow and tamarisk. Music continues under. EXT. TREEHOUSE - SERIES OF ANGLES Details of Kit and Holly building the treehouse. Kit pounds a log into place wi h a tomahawk; Holly scrapes the bark off a log with a piece of flint; Kit weaves tamarisk branches through the frame of the house. This MONTAGE ends with a PAN DOWN the four stories of the completed treehouse. HOLLY (v.o.)We planned a huge network of tunnels under the forest floor, and our first order of business every morning was to decide on a new password for the day. ow and then weld sneak out at night and steal a chicken or a bunch of corn or some melons from a melon patch... Mostly. though, we just lay on our backs and stared at the clouds and sometimes it was like being in a big marble hall. the way we talked in low voices and heard the tiniest sound.INT. TREEHOUSE The CAMERA PANS off Holly's painting, a Maxwell Parrish, onto Kit asleep with his pistol beside him. then onto Holly under a quilt with a box of shells beside her. Her hand quivers once. EXT. TREE TOPS Kit lifts an egg out of a bird's nest at the top of a tree. He drops it down to Holly, fifty feet below. HOLLY (v.o.)They hadn't found but one set of bones in the ashes of the house. so we knew they'd be looking for us. Kit made sure we'd be prepared.EXT. TRAIL - SERIES OF ANGLES Kit cuts a piece of twine that lies across a trail, whereupon a ball full of spikes comes swinging down out of the trees. with lethal force. Kit ducks out of the way. We next see Kit with a dew ag around his forehead, running laps through the woods as part of his training. He exhorts himself to greater effort. HOLLY (v.o.)He gave me lectures on how a gun works, how to take it apart and put it back together again. in case 1 had to carry on without him. He said that if the Devil came at me, I could shoot him with a gun.EXT. TAMARISK Holly struggles through the undergrowth witha yoke over her shoulders, carrying wood back to the teahouse. HOLLY (v.o.)One day, I carried thirty pounds of wood a distance of five miles. Another day, while hiding in the forest, I covered my eyes with makeup, to see how they'd come out.TIGHT ON HOLLY'S EYES Holly has made her eyes up with mascara. EXT. FRONT OF TREEHOUSE Kit and Holly dance the stroll to the sound of Mickey and Sylvia on their Zenith portable. Holly shows a better sense of rhythm than Kit. EXT. MUD FLAT BESIDE RIVER - DUSK Kit lifts a fish out of the river with a crude device like a lacrosse net. Holly sits on the bank In the b.g. The fish wriggles out of the net and falls back In the water. Kit struggles in vain to retrieve it. HOLLY (v.o.)We had our bad moments, like any couple. Kit accused me of only being along for the ride,while at times I wished he'd fall in the river and drown, so I could watch.Kit throws his net down in disgust, partly at Holly. KITTake a break. Red... Life of Riley, huh?Holly ignores him as he walks off down the flat. HOLLY (v.o.)Mostly. though. we got along fine and stayed in love.EXT. FRONT OF TREEHOUSE Holly, in curlers, walks over to where Kit is shaving. HOLLYOne of the chickens died last night.She pats a little water on her face, dries it with a burlap towel, picks up a hatchet and walks off into the forest to cut the morning's firewood. HOLLYI almost stepped on him.EXT. UPPER DECK Holly sits on the upper deck of the treehouse, reading Kon-Tiki aloud to Kit. HOLLY"The Kon-Tiki in motion was a little different from what it usually was in such conditions. We had become sensitive to changes in the rhythm of the logs. I thought at once of suction from the coast, which was drawing near, and was continually out on the deck and up the mast..."KITHe was nervous.Holly looks at him for a moment, trying to understand the meaning of this interruption, then resumesHOLLY"Time passed. At dawn, just before six, Torstein came hurrying down from the masthead. He could see a whole line of small palm-clad islands far ahead..."EXT. RIVER Holly walks down the edge of the river, fresh from her bath. wrapped in a white sheet. The river is raging, with white caps visible in places. EXT. FOREST A strange animal, not a deer or a horse, but like them, moves languidly through the thick of the forest. Holly puts down her binoculars, amazed. HOLLY (v.o.)I grew to love the forest. The cooing of the doves and the hum of dragonflies in the air made it always seem lonesome and like everybody's dead and gone...EXT. CROW'S NEST Kit sits in the crow's nest at the top of the treehouse, browsing through a copy of National Geographic. amused by what he sees, looking around to find somebody he can share it with. HOLLY (v.o.)When the leaves rustled overhead, it was like the spirits were whispering about all the little things that bothered 'em.TIGHT ON SLIDES An array of stereo slides is spread out on the leaves of the forest floor. Holly puts one in her stereopticon and studies it. Kit greets her as he walks by with a log over his shoulder. HOLLY (v.o.)One day, while taking a look at some vistas in Dad's stereopticon, it hit me that I was just this little girl, born in Texas, whose father was a sign painter and who had only just so many years to live ...TIGHT ON SLIDES With each of her thoughts a slide appearsa canal in Brazil, a camel boy in front of the Great Pyramid. some cows standing in a fjord with a steamship in the distance, a mother with her child, a woman playing the piano as another woman looks on, a family on a lawn, a soldier in a wheatfield whispering something into his girlfriend's ear. HOLLY (v.o.)... It sent a chill down my spine, and I thoughtWhere would I be this very moment if Kit had never met me? ... Or killed anybody? This very moment... If my Mom had never met my Dad? If she'd of never died?... And what's the man I'll marry going to look like? What's he doing right this minute? ... Is he thinking about me now, by some coincidence, even though he doesn't know me? Does it show on his face?EXT. RIVER Kit is fishing with his crude net. He stops briefly to watch a truck passing down the highway In the distance, then goes back to work. This stretch of river seems dangerously close to civilization. HOLLY (v.o.)For days afterward I lived in dread. At times I wished I could fall asleep and be taken off to some magical land, but this never happened.Kit, frustrated draws his pistol from his back pocket and looks around for the fish that has been eluding him. He does not see, as we do, a MAN watching him from across the river. He fires at the fish. misses it and fires again. The Man across the river hesitates. then moves back into the undergrowth. DISSOLVE TOSERIES OF ANGLES - TREEHOUSE Holly is off somewhere in the forest. putting on lipstick. Kit sits on watch in the crowls nest, a pair of binoculars close at hand. On sound, over the music, we hear voices whispering to them. Kit sees a movement in the brush. A moment later a figure appears, a hunter, carrying a gun. Kit shouts a code word to Holly. She takes off running, as Kit clambers down the planks of the treehouse and collects his shotgun. He tells her to hide, runs through the woods and dives in a hole, under a cover of leaves. She jumps behind a log. Several shots of the still forest follow, then the hunters appear, a shoulder here. pant leg there. The music ends as one of them cocks his gun. They pass right over the hole where Kit is hiding. Kit rises up slowly, gives them a gentlemanly word of warning, then shoots all three in the back. He checks to see if anybody else is with them, then calls weakly out to Holly. KITHolly!Holly picks her way through the brush, back to the treehouse. EXT. TREEHOUSE They are packed up and ready to leave. Kit slams the trunk of the Mercury. KITGet in the car, Red.He takes a bird cage off the roof of the car and throws it away. KITWe don't need this.He climbs a ladder, looks In the cabin of the treehouse to see if they've left anything behind, then jumps down. He flips over the wicker hemisphere that covers their rooster. The rooster walks off, free. He surveys the woods, then looks back at Holly, who returns his look and gets in the car. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit felt bad about shooting those men in the backs. but he said they'd come in like that. and they would've played it as down and dirty as they could, and besides, held overheard them whispering about how they were only interested in the reward money. With lawmen it wouldtve been different. They were out there to get a job done and they deserved a fair chance. But not a bounty hunter.EXT. BADLANDS - SERIES OF ANGLES We see a flat expanse of the Badlands. The Mercury appears over the horizon and heads toward a solitary house. A man appears at the door of the house, Kit's friend, Cato. HOLLY (v.o.)We went to hide out with a friend of Kit's from the days of the garbage route.EXT. CATO'S HOUSE. Kit gets out of the car, takes a chicken from the back seat and walks over to face Cato. He keeps a safe distance. KITHow you doing, Cato?CATONot bad.Kit steps forward, rifle in hand, and offers Cato the chicken. KITTake that sombitch.Cato takes it, a wan smile on his face. KITWhat you been doing?CATORunning this place for a fella in town. Nothing much to speak of.KITWell, I don't notice us hustling trash, either.Kit walks over to inspect the interior of Cato's house. KITWhere'd you get them antlers?CATO (o.c.)They come with the house.He refers to a set of deer antlers, mounted over the door. Kit looks inside, then back at Cato. KITOh, Cato, I want you to meet my girl, Holly Sargis.Holly smiles and says hello. EXT. PICNIC TABLE They sit at a picnic table under a tree, having lunch. Holly is telling a joke at Kit's urging. HOLLYDid you hear the one about the guy in the nuthouse that went around naked, with only a hat and gloves on, and this nurse came up to him and said, "Hey, what... You can't walk around that way," and the guy says, "What's the matter? Nobody comes around here." Anyway, the nurse says, "What do you have the hat and gloves on for, then?" And the guy says, "Well, you never know."Cato bursts into laughter. KITIsn't that funny?Cato stops laughing. He wants to give Kit the right answer. CATOYeah, I guess.KIT (o.c.)She plays the clarinet, too.Holly smiles politely. HOLLYDon't you ever get bored around here?CATOSometimes. The other day, though, an old boy was plowing in the field over there, found some old Spanish coins.KIT(suspicious)That's what he told you, huh?CATO (o.c.)No, he showed me one.HOLLYWhat'd they look like?CATO (o.c.)Kind of round, like so... Gold. I'll show you if you want.Kit and Holly eye one another. Kit sees the chance to make a fortune here. He is careful to conceal his feelings, though. KITLet me finish my supper.Holly, big-eyed, bites into an apple. EXT. FIELD Kit, Holly and Cato walk out to the field where Cato heard the coins were found. Holly picks up a pot lid. KITWe're thinking of going down to Texas. Holly wants to visit some of her people down there, but after that I don't know... They say Mexico's nice.Cato stops. CATOKit... Maybe I'd better get a shovel.KITOkay.CATOI'll catch up with you.KITOkay.Kit walks out into the field to join Holly. Cato turns back. HOLLYI found a lid. It was laying on the ground over there.KITPut that down. It's dirty.Holly tosses the lid at him. He picks up some dirt clods and starts throwing them at her. She squeals and dodges. CATO watches them for a while, indecisive, then turns and runs. HOLLY (o.c.)Hey, you're throwing big ones!Suddenly, Kit spots Cato. KITCato!Cato jumps over a trough and comes to a stop in front of his truck, a water tanker. CATOThe shovel's in the truck.Kit raises his gun and shoots Cato through the belly. CATO falls, then gets to his feet and stumbles toward the front door of the house. Kit follows him for a while, then skips forward and opens the door for him. INT. BEDROOM Cato falls on his bed and rolls over to face Kit. Kit walks in calmly and picks up a photo on the bureau. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit never let on why he'd shot Cato. He said that just talking about it could bring us bad luck and that right now we needed all the luck we could get.Kit sets the photo down. KIT (o.c.)You never told me about her.He looks under the bed, then walks out the door. INT. LIVING ROOM Holly stands near a window. smoking a cigarette. Kit sets his rifle down and surveys the room, which is cluttered with odds and ends. KITLook at all this junk.HOLLYHow's he doing?KIT(shrugging)I got him in the stomach.Holly sits down. HOLLYIs he upset?KITHe didn't say anything to me about it.He takes a drag off her cigarette and gives it back to her. He leafs idly through a catalogue on the table, then walks over to look in the bedroom. KITBunch of junk.Inside the bedroom Cato is still conscious, but his breathing is heavy. Kit walks back to Holly's side. HOLLY is looking through the catalogue. KITHe stole that cage. I saw him doing it.Kit wants this to have been an execution, not a murder. KITWhatcha looking in there for? We can't afford any of that.HOLLY (defensive)Just looking.INT. BEDROOM As they bicker in the other room, Cato inspects his face in a mirror. KIT (o.c.)Why don't you go in there and keep him company for a while?Holly walks in the door. HOLLYHi.She sits down. HOLLYThat your spider in there? in that bottle?CATOYeah.HOLLYWhat do you feed him?CATOOh, flies... grasshoppers when I can catch 'em.HOLLYDoes he bite?CATOHe never bit me.We hear the sound of a car HORN in the distance. HOLLYturns and looks. EXT. CATO'S HOUSE A 1951 Studebaker approaches the house. There are two people inside, a BOY and a GIRL. Kit comes out the front door. The Boy and Girl get out, but seeing Kit, they wait by the car. BOYHi. where's Cato?KITWell, he's gone.BOYGone? ... Where?KITHe said not to tell.BOY (o.c.)Oh yeah?KITYeah, he said for you to give us a lift into town. You're the ones with the Studebaker, aren't you?The Boy hesitates a second, then starts for the house. BOYWell, I just need to pick up something in the house.Kit draws his gun. KITNo... You go in there, I'll have to kill you.BOYWhat's going on?KITCan't afford to take chances.The Girl is baffled. KIT (o.c.)Come on out of there, young lady.Kit waves them out into the neighboring field with him. KITLet's us step out in this field here.The Boy raises his hands. KITNah, skip that... I'm going to have to keep an eye on you, though.BOYOkay.KITYou don't mind?Holly steps out the front door and smiles at the girl. HOLLYHi.EXT. FIELD Holly and the girl walk through the field toward a storm cellar where the boys are waiting for them. The wind is blowing hard. GIRLWhat's going to happen to Jack and me?HOLLYYou have to ask Kit. He says frog, I jump.GIRLOkay.HOLLYWhat's your friend's name?GIRLJack.HOLLYYou love him?GIRLI don't know.Holly thinks about this for a moment. HOLLYI've got to stick by Kit... He feels trapped.GIRLYeah. I can imagine.HOLLYWell, I've felt that way, hadn't you?EXT. STORM CELLAR Kit guides the couple into the storm cellar. KITOkay, you two, down in the cellar.They head down the steps into the cellar, the Girl first. Kit stops the Boy for a moment. KITYou promise to stay down there for an hour?BOYYeah.KITYou expect me to believe that?He looks back at Holly, as though to ask whether he should. BOYYeah.Kit nods and waves the Boy down into the cellar. The Boy disappears. Kit shuts the door. KITI'm going to shut the door.Kit sticks a pin through the latch, hesitates, then fires two shots down through a seam into the cellar. He retreats to Holly's side. a little surprised at what he did. KITThink I got 'em?HOLLYI don't know.KITWell, I'm not going down there and look.He starts running away from the cellar. Holly follows him. A storm is gathering on the horizon. Kit offers Holly his hand as they run. but Holly does not see this. INT. CATO'S BEDROOM Cato lies motionless, on his bed. Holly steps forward and touches him with a yardstick, like a child touching a snake. HOLLY (v.o.)Suddenly, I was thrown into a state of shock...EXT. HOUSE AND BOX CAR Kit, rifle in hand, lumbers out a side door of the house with Cato over his shoulder. He steers for a nearby box car that evidently served Cato as a shed. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit was the most trigger happy person I'd ever met. He claimed that as long as you're playing for keeps and the law is coming at you, it's considered okay to shoot all witnesses. You had to take the consequences, though, and not whine about it later.Kit opens the doors of the box car. and dumps Cato inside. Before closing the doors he checks Cato's shoes. to see if they are the ones he gave him. Holly looks on from the side of the house, twenty yards away. HOLLYWe're in for it now... If they catch us.Kit looks cornered and defensive. Holly thinks for a moment. HOLLYWhat'd you put him in there for?KIT (shrugging)Just to keep him out of the sun.Kit heads out of sight around the rear of the box car. Holly goes back inside. Kit walks up and down the length of the box car, talking under his breath and throwing his rifle from hand to hand, in a state. DISSOLVE TOEXT. COUNTRY ROAD Kit and Holly travel down a country road in the Studebaker. HOLLY (v.o.)At this moment I didn't feel shame or fear, but just kind of blah, like when you're sitting there and all the water's run out of the bathtub.INT. CAR Kit, driving, turns to Holly. KITYou tired?HOLLYYeah.KITYeah, you look tired... Listen, honey. when all this is over, I'm going to sit down and buy you a big, thick steak.HOLLYI don't want a steak.KITWell, we'll see about that... Hey, lookie.He nods at a wrecked car lying in a ditch beside the road. KITThey're probably going to blame that on me, too, bastards.VIGILANTE MONTAGE - SERIES OF ANGLES - BLACK AND WHITE Various shots characterizing the Midwest's reaction to Kit and Hollya deserted street, law officers posing with their guns and ammunition, children walking from class under armed guard, a detective in a trench coat pointing at a pump, a woman calling in her children at dusk, a county official posing with the county records, the court reporter with a book of signatures, vigilantes signing up and being deputized, then riding through the streets of their town in the backs of pickups, a priest among them, etc. HOLLY (v.o.)The whole country was out looking for us, for who knew where Kit would strike next? Sidewalks were deserted. Stores closed their doors and drew their blinds. Posses and vigilante committees were set up from Texas to North Dakota. Children rode back and forth to school under heavy guard. A famous detective was brought in from Boston. He could find no clues ... My clarinet teacher said I probably wasn't responsible, but others said I was. Then, on Thursday, the Governor of Oklahoma sent out the National Guard to stand watch at the Federal Reserve Bank in Tulsa when word got out that Kit meant to rob it... It was like the Russians had invaded.EXT. RICH MAN'S HOUSE Kit and Holly approach a large Victorian mansion. Kit rings the bell. HOLLY (v.o.)We needed supplies, so we went to a rich man's house. Kit figured it'd be safer and quicker than shopping in the downtown... A maid came to the door.A MAID opens the door. KITHi, I come to check the meter. My tools are in here.He nods at the suitcase he is carrying. The Maid looks at Holly. KITOh, this Is Holly. She's from Texas.Kit winks at Holly. The Maid brushes her ears to indicate that she is deaf, then stands back to let them pass. HOLLY (v.o.)Later we found out she was deaf and we hadn't even known it.KITExcuse me.They enter the house. INT. LIVING ROOM Kit leads the others into the living room. The owner of the house, a RICH MAN, sits in a chair in the corner, reviewing some prints. At the sight of Kit he comes to his feet. KITHi.RICH MANYes?KITThis your place?RICH MANYes.Kit looks around, overwhelmed by the luxury of the mansion. KITSorry to barge in on you. Anybody else here besides you two?RICH MANNo.The Rich Man is wary. Kit nearly forgets to explain himself. KITGood deal... Oh, uh, we're on the run and we'd like to hang out here for a while. Couple of hours, maybe. How'd that be?RICH MANStay as long as you like.TIGHT ON MURAL The CAMERA PANS across a mural of some pastoral scene. INT. HOUSE - SERIES OF ANGLES Holly runs her finger around the lip of a crystal glass. It makes a soft chiming noise. Kit, sitting at the end of a table opposite her, picks up a dinner bell, rings it, then puts It down and regards her solemnly. KITNext time I ring that, it means time to clear out.Holly, in the next angle, has moved a bust off its pedestal onto the corner of a piano. She thinks better of this and restores the bust to its original position. Kit sniffs at a glass of sherry, then takes a picture off the mantel and studies it. Holly, at the other end of the room. tests the comforts of a chair. This done. she moves to another chair and tests it, too. She makes her hand limp. She watches it swing back and forth. Kit sits in the chair which the Rich Man occupied earlier. He has a thoughtful look on his face. There is a dictaphone on the table beside him. INT. HALLWAY Holly takes a cane out of the umbrella rack, looks around furtively, then steps out a side door of the house. EXT. LAWN Holly walks down the slope of the lawn. HOLLY (v.o.)I left Kit in the parlor and went for a stroll outside the house. The day was quiet and serene, but I didn't notice, for I was deep in thought, and not even thinking about how to slip off.Across the way she can see a long driveway, with a border of lush greenery and a sleepy cat standing in the sun. HOLLY (v.o.)The world was like a faraway planet to which I could never return... I thought what a fine place it was, full of things for people to look into and enjoy.INT. LIVING ROOM - TIGHT ON KIT Kit talks into the dictaphone, recording some advice for young people. KITListen to your parents and teachers. They got a line on most things, so don't treat them like enemies. There's always a chance you could learn something. (he pauses for a moment) Try to keep an open mind. Try to understand the viewpoint of others. Consider the minority opinion, but try to get along with the majority opinion once it's accepted. (again he pauses) Course Holly and I've had fun, even if it has been rushed, and... so far we're doing fine. hadn't got caught. (annoyed) Excuse the grammar.He sets down the dictaphone. puts out his cigarette and leans back in his chair, lost in reflection. INT. COVERED ROOM Holly enters the room where the Rich Man and his Maid have been put. The furniture and paintings are covered with sheets, suggesting that for some purpose, known only to the family, the room has been set aside. HOLLYHi... Kit's downstairs playing with the dictaphone... Sometimes he acts like there's something wrong with his bean.She leans against the window. behind the couch where the Rich Man is sitting. HOLLYHope nothing ever goes wrong with mine.RICH MANThink he's crazy, huh?HOLLYI don't know... He's kind of odd.She sits down beside the Rich Man. HOLLY (shyly)They claim I've got him wrapped around my little finger, but I never told him to shoot anybody.She looks the room over. HOLLYGosh, I like your house.RICH MANThank you.We hear the NOISE of a doorbell. INT. LIVING ROOM Kit puts down a copy of the Wall Street Journal and locates his pistol. He starts for the door, then remembers that he moved a picture from the mantel. He puts the picture back in place, checks the chamber of his pistol and leaves the room. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE Kit opens the front door to find a VISITOR on the stoop. The Visitor carries a roll of blueprints under his arm. KITHi.VISITORHi... ah, Mister Scarborough here?KITYeah, but the thing about him, he's down with the flu. He's sick.VISITORReally?KITYeah. I'd invite you inside, except it's contagious. Don't want to start an epidemic.VISITORNo, of course not. It's only that he called last night and asked if I could come by.KITWell, he didn't have it last night.The Visitor is puzzled by Kit's presence in the house, and even more by his behavior. He takes out a note pad. KITWhat's that?VISITORWell, I'd like to leave a message, if that's okay.KITSure.The Visitor jots something down and hands the note to Kit. KITYou have to excuse me now. I have to go back inside. Bye.Kit closes the door. INT. STAIRWELL Kit hides the Visitor's note in a vase and bounds up the stairs to the first landing. KITWe're out of here, Tex.He turns back down the stairs. On a rack at the bottom he finds a hat and coat. He takes them with him. INT. COVERED ROOM Kit walks into the room where he left the Rich Man and his maid. He now carries a bag of groceries under his arm, KITHi, whatcha doing?RICH MANJust thinking.KITGood a way to kill time as any... She okay?He points to the Maid with his pistol. RICH MANYes.KITListen, ah ... We're going to take the Cadillac for a while. How'd that be?RICH MANFine.KITDon't worry, I won't let her drive.He means Holly. KIT (continuing)Oh, and here's a list of everything we borrowed. Car's on there, too.He gives the list to the Rich Man and signals the Maid to accompany them out. KITOkay, ma'am, let's go . . . come on.INT. HALLWAY Kit points the Rich Man and his Maid into a closet. KITYou're my friend, aren't you?RICH MANYes.KITOkay, no monkey business then.He locks the door of the closet once they are inside, starts off, then remembers something, takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes his fingerprints off the door handle. KITGroceries.With this reminder he collects his bag of groceries and heads down the hall. EXT. FRONT PORCH Kit and Holly come out the front door. Holly wears a shawl over her head as a disguise, Kit wears the outfit he took off the Rich Man's coat rack. He carries his groceries, rifle and a silver trophy he stole from somewhere in the house. KITThat guy could sell that list I gave him as a sample of my handwriting.Holly starts off, KIT (continuing)Hey, why're you always walking ahead of me?HOLLYWell, why you always walking behind me?Kit grabs the seat of her pants. HOLLYDon't.KITAnybody ever done that to you before?HOLLYNo.KITPositive?HOLLYYes.KITGuess there's no way I'll ever know. For sure.They round a corner into the garden. EXT. BACKYARD They walk down the lawn toward the garage. We the TICKING OF SPRINKLERS off camera. KITThat guy must pay through the nose to keep this place up... Lawn, the gas and electric... Bagworms. Plus the upkeep on the cars... Yeah, you get a little money in your pocket, you think all your problems are solved. Well, let me tell you, they're not.They arrive at the Cadillac. Holly sets down her suitcase and waits for Kit to open the door for her. Kit, who has forgotten this propriety, hurries back and opens the door. He throws the suitcase in the back, goes around the front of the car and gets in. HOLLYI'd like to get out of here.KITSoon as I start the car... and fix my hat.He adjusts his hat, starts the car and they drive off, past a Rolls Royce Kit has declined in favor of the Cadillac. EXT. BADLANDS - EXTREME LONG SHOT The car races across the open prairie. HOLLY (v.o.)Fearing there'd be roadblocks on the highways, we took off across that area known as the Great Plains. Kit told me to enjoy the scenery, and I did.INT. CADILLAC Holly reads to Kit from a movie fan magazine. HOLLY"RumorPat Boone is seriously considering giving up his career so he can return to school full-time and complete his education. FactPat has told intimates that so long as things are going well for his career, it's the education that will have to take the back seat."KITI don't blame him.HOLLY"RumorFrank Sinatra and Rita Hayworth are in love... FactTrue, but not with each other."Kit chuckles at this, which pleases Holly. EXT. TELEPHONE POLES The Cadillac heads overland, along a line of telephone poles that stretches out clear to the horizon. HOLLY (v.o.)Through desert and mesa, across the endless miles of open range, we made our headlong way, steering by the telephone lines toward the mountains of Montana.DISSOLVE TOEXT. MOUNTAIN Heat waves rise off the land. A mountain is barely discernible in the distance. DISSOLVE TOEXT. BADLANDS The Cadillac races through a herd of cows, HOLLY (v.o.) Kit'd sometimes ram a cow, to save on ammo, and we'd cook it.CLOSE ON SALT GRASS Tight shot of a clump of salt grass. HOLLY (v.o.)Once we had to eat a bunch of salt grass. It tasted like cabbage.EXT. BADLANDS - DAWN THE CAMERA RISES over the Cadillac as it races down a deserted country road at dawn, EXT. PIPELINE WAYSTATION The Cadillac is stopped beside a pipeline waystation. Kit has tapped some gas off the head. HOLLY (v.o.)For gas we used the leakage from the valves of the pipelines we found along the way. Drip gas is what they call it in that part of the country.DISSOLVE TOEXT. BADLANDS The Cadillac roars through a stand of mesquite and disappears into the distance. HOLLY (v.o.)Little by little we approached the border. Kit was glad to leave South Dakota behind and cursed its name. He said that if the Communists ever dropped the atomic bomb, he wished they'd put it right in the middle of Rapid City.EXT. CAMPSITE They are camped out in the middle of the badlands. Kit cooks some meat over a fire, Holly, with a map under her arm, points into the distance. HOLLYThat's Montana over there.KITI never been to Montana... Acquaintance of mine has, but I hadn't... Never had any reason to.Holly sits down and looks at the map. HOLLYState bird's a meadowlark.EXT. PAN ACROSS BADLANDS The CAMERA PANS across the badlands. There Is not a tree or a bush in sight. It comes to rest on Kit, who carries his rifle over his shoulders the way James Dean did in "Giant". KIT'S P.O.V. - SERIES OF ANGLES Various sights of the prairiea distant mountain, a wild turkey, a lizard, a burst of lightening in a cloud on the horizon, a falcon. Kit takes all this in, then he turns back to the campsite. The sun is down, just barely, and the moon has risen behind him. Holly is heard over this last shot. HOLLY (v.o.)We lived in utter loneliness, neither here nor there. Kit said that solitude was a better word, cause it meant more exactly what I wanted to say. Whatever the expression, I told him we couldn't go on living this way.INT. CADILLAC Kit and Holly sit in the back seat of the Cadillac. They have been necking. Her hair is in curlers. KIT (responding to v.o.)Why not? I mean, I'm having fun... At least I'm not bitching.HOLLYWell, I feel kind of like an animal living out here. I mean, there's no place to bathe and... no place to get anything good to eat.KITWell, I'll catch you a big trout. Soon as we get to the mountains.He kisses her. She gives in reluctantly. After a while they break. KITEverybody loves trout.HOLLYI'm serious.They neck some more. then break again. Kit looks out one window, Holly out the other. EXT. DISTANT TRAIN A train moves slowly across the horizon. HOLLY (v.o.)In the distance I saw a train making its way silently across the plain, like the caravan in "The Adventures of Marco Polo." It was our first taste of civilization in days, and I asked Kit if we could have a closer look.EXT. KIT - WITH FOOTBALL Kit sets a football down on the ground, backs off a few steps, squats and shoots a hole through it with his pistol. To his surprise. it does not deflate. He moves closer and pounds it flat with the barrel of the pistol. HOLLY (v.o.)Before we left he shot a football that he considered excess baggage.TIGHT ON SUITCASE Kit is burying some things from Holly's suitcase in a bucketthe trophy he took from the mansion, her stereopticon slides, a doll, a spark plug, a pack of Camels, etc. HOLLY (v.o.)Afterwards he took and buried some of our things in a bucket. He said that nobody else would know where we'd put them, and that we'd come back someday, maybe, and they'd still be sitting here, just the same, but we'd be different. And if we never got back, well, somebody might dig them up a thousand years from now and wouldn't they wonder!EXT. BADLANDS The Cadillac speeds across the plains. A plume of dust stretches out behind it. EXT. RAIL TRESTLE Kit and Holly have parked the Cadillac under a rail trestle. A train is approaching. They hide beside the car. The train, a streamliner, roars overhead. When it has passed, Holly rushes up the grade to watch it disappear into the distance. Kit watches from the opposite end of the trestle. KITMaybe we should've tried to hop it.HOLLYIt was going too fast.KITI could've pulled the car up on the tracks, slowed it down some.HOLLY (o.c.)Yeah, then we'd be stuck here.KITWell, maybe we oughta be stuck here. I'm not saying that I know.He stoops down and picks up a Pepsi bottle. HOLLYYou're crazy.He climbs over the edge of the trestle, looks back at her oddly, then leaps down to the ground. Holly walks down to meet him. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit took the bottle and spun it around, leaving to fate which direction we should take.TIGHT ON BOTTLE Kit spins the bottle. EXT. BOTTOM OF TRESTLE The bottle comes to a stop. Kit inspects its position. He does not appear satisfied, though. KITWell, maybe the slope here is throwing it off some. We ought to find a more flat place.HOLLYHow about over here?Kit starts toward her, then changes his mind and heads back up the grade, to the tracks. The CAMERA DOLLIES and CRANES with him. KITNever mind. It doesn't matter... If I'm worth a damn, I'll pick the right direction. And if I'm not, well, I don't care. See what I mean?HOLLY (o.c.)No.KITWell, I shouldn't expect miracles, should I?He stops at the top of the grade and looks out across the Badlands. KITWe'll keep on heading for that mountain... Just remember I said it wasn't such a hot idea.DISSOLVE TOEXT. TRESTLE - DUSK The Cadillac pulls out from under the trestle and heads down a dusty road alongside the tracks. HOLLY (v.o.)We took off at sunset, on a line toward the mountains of Saskatchewan, for Kit a magical land beyond the reach of the law. He needed me now more than ever, but something had come between us. I'd stopped even paying attention to him. Instead, I sat in the car and read a map and spelled out entire sentences with my tongue on the roof of my mouth, where nobody could read them.DISSOLVE TOEXT. MOUNTAIN - DUSK The Cadillac beads off across the plains toward a distant mountain. HOLLY (v.o.)That night we moved closer to the border, and clear across the prairie, at the very edge of the horizon... EXT. REFINERY FIRES - NIGHT A refinery fire. HOLLY (v.o.)W could make out the gas fires of the refinery at Missoula, while to the south...EXT. CITY LIGHTS - NIGHT HOLLY (v.o.)... we could see the lights of Cheyenne, a city bigger and grander than I'd ever seen.EXT. CADILLAC'S POV ON PRAIRIE The prairie rushes under the Cadillac's headlights. HOLLY (v.o.) I felt all kind of things looking at the lights of Cheyenne, but most important, I made up my mind to never again tag around with a hell-bent type, no matter how in love with him I was. Finally, I found the strength to tell Kit this. I pointed out that even If we got to the Far North, he still couldn't make a living.INT. CADILLAC - NIGHT Kit and Holly's faces are strangely lit by the dash lights. Holly is absorbed in her map. The radio is on. KIT(responding to v.o.) I could get a job with the Mounties. The Northwest Mounties ... Hell, I got all the qualifications. I can ride, shoot and... I don't mind the cold. Fact. I kind of like the cold.Holly looks up from the map. HOLLYWhat?KITNothing... I was just running off at the mouth... as usual.HOLLYI'm sorry. I wasn't listening.Holly lights a cigarette. KITI was just talking about going after a job... Hey. don't lip it.He reaches over and takes the cigarette out of her mouth. The CAMERA PANS to her with this gesture. HOLLYYou know... they'd probably ask to see your driver's license before they hired you.KIT (o.c.)Well. I'm not going to let that stop me.When the CAMERA PANS BACK to him, he is looking at her cigarette. KITYou smoke Pall Mall?HOLLYYeah.He is surprised to discover this. KITNah, you hadn't seen me when I'm going after something, honey. Tough?He cocks his head just thinking about it. She reaches for the radio to change the station. He pats her hand away. KITHey. don't touch that... Nat King Cole.EXT. BADLANDS - NIGHT They dance in the headlights to the tune of "A Blossom Fell" coming over the car radio. She is wearing the rich man's jacket. After a moment Kit whispers in her ear. KITBoy, if I could sing a song like that... I mean, if I could sing a song about the way I feel right now, it'd be a hit.They continue dancing. EXT. CADILLAC ON PLAINS - DAY Two shots of the Cadillac heading across the Badlands at dawn. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit knew the end was coming. He wondered if he'd hear the doctor pronounce him dead, or if he'd be able to read what the papers would say about him,the next day, from the other side. He dreaded the iea of being shot down alone, he said, without a girl to scream out his name.INT. CADILLAC - DAWN Holly yawns with fatigue. HOLLY (v.o.)Then, for an instant, the sight of the mountains in the dawn light got his hopes back up.Kit shakes his head with admiration and wonder. KITGod, what a sight... Tell me this, honey. What does a little Texas girl like yourself think of a sight like that?She turns to look at the mountains. EXT. MOUNTAINS - THEIR POV Mountains in the distance closer now than ever before. DISSOLVE TOEXT. OIL RIG The Cadillac drives up to an oil rig. Kit gets out of the car. KITLove this air.The ROUGHNECK in charge of the rig steps out of his trailer. It seems there is nobody else around. KITMorning... Say, you got any gas?ROUGHNECKMaybe.KITWell. I'm sorry. sir. but we've got to ask you for it.Holly walks over to inspect the rig. KIT (o.c.)See, we're about out... been driving all night. Actually, I don't even have time to explain it to you.ROUGHNECK (o.c.)Well, matter of fact, I don't have any.KITJust a second now. That's your truck. isn't it?He points to a truck linked to the front of the trailer. Holly looks idly around. Suddenly her expression changes, for what reason it is not clear. KIT (o.c.)You didn't walk out here.ROUGHNECK (o.c.)It's mine all right.KITWell, listen. I'm going to swap you my Cadillac.The Roughneck does not understand what Kit is up to. KITNow don't worry. You're getting a fair deal. Hell. what's the blue book value on this thing, Mildred?He slaps the hood of the Cadillac and looks to Holly. She is still preoccupied with whatever it is she has seen, though. ROUGHNECK (o.c.)Who are you?KITName is Carruthers. Believe I shoot people every now and then. Not that I deserve a medal.Holly signals Kit with a nod at the horizon. HOLLYKit!Kit looks up and sees a helicopter in the distance. He hesitates a moment, then draws his gun. KITOkay, friend. start running.ROUGHNECK (o.c.)Just gimme a chance.KITGit.Holly moves around the side of the rig and sits against a tire. Kit joins her. KITBoy. I had a feeling today was going to be the day... Helicopter.HOLLYYeah.KITHe's not coming to take us for a ride. either. Come on, let's make a run for the car.He starts off in the direction of the car, but Holly calls him back. HOLLYI don't want to.Kit looks at her. surprised. KITHave you got a better idea?HOLLYI just don't want to go.KITWhat?She shrugs. He stares at her for a moment, then bows his head and walks off a distance. KITWhat is wrong with you, huh?He kicks wildly at dust. KITWhat is the matter with you, huh!?Meanwhile, the helicopter continues its approach. Kit walks in closer to Holly. KITBoy, I don't know what to make of you. People like you.He kicks at the rigs then turns back to face her. KITYou want a second chance, then listen. Twelve noon the Grand Coulee Dam, New Year'ss Day. 1964. You meet me there... Now you got that?She nods, bewildered. The helicopter is landing. He grabs a discarded fender off the truck, hangs it over his arm like a shield and runs to the Cadillac, exchanging shots with a State Trooper who has arrived in the helicopter. The Trooper is hit and falls. Kit jumps in the car and roars off. Holly surrenders herself to the pilot of the helicopter and is taken off. EXT. GAS STATION Kit pulls into a gas station. He gets out of his car and drums on the roof. KITHey, anybody here?An ATTENDANT walks out the door. KITHi... Say,, you got any shells for a Savage, a .300 Savage?ATTENDANTNope.KITDamn. I pissed all mine away shooting up bottles... You want to fill her up for me? Please?The Attendant nods. Kit pulls Holly's suitcase out of the back seat and walks over to a trash can at the edge of the apron. Kit throws Holly's things methodically into the trash can. After a while he comes upon a book. He opens the book and looks through it, then turns to find the Attendant staring at him. As he gets to his feet. he nods at the trash can. KITIf you want any of that junk, it's yours.Meanwhile, a police car approaches the station. Kit sees it at about the same time the police see him. He throws his book in the car and roars out of the station. The police car goes into a bootlegger's turn and takes off after him. CHASE - SERIES OF ANGLES Kit heads down the highway. After a while he turns off onto a dirt road. The police keep up with him.. He flips on the radio and fires back at them. The dust is so heavy that they have a hard time just keeping track of him. He checks his own appearance and general demeanor in the rear view mirror, then swerves off the road onto the prairie. The police manage to keep up. Together they roar through a herd of cows and barb wire fence. The police car slams into Kit, trying to slow him down. Kit slams back into the police car. They return to the road. Kit makes a ninety-degree turn but the police car loses traction and rolls onto its side, then back onto four wheels again, stalled. Kit sees that he has lost them. He checks himself out in the mirror again, puts on the rich man's hat and skids to a stop. The police car gets back underway. During these last few moments Holly is heard on VOICE OVER. HOLLY (v.o.)Often I've wondered what was going through Kit's head before they got him and why he didn't make a run for it while he still had the chance. Did he figure theyld just catch up with him the next day? Was it despair? He claimed to having a flat tire, but the way he carried on about it, I suspect this is false.EXT. ROAD Kit shoots a hole in the tire of the Cadillac, then climbs up on the hood. We see how far behind the police are. He checks his pulse and jumps back down. He scurries around collecting rocks from the shoulder as the police approach from the distance. He makes a stack of the rocks to mark the site of his capture for posterity, finishing just as the police car skids to a stop. Kit throws up his hands and walks forward to meet them. Their guns are drawn. KITHi.SHERIFFHold it right there.KITI could've held off an army if I could've gotten behind a rock in the mountains.DEPUTY (o.c.)Oh yeah?KIT (nodding)Long as my ammo held out... Right there's where you caught me.He nods at the stack of rocks. The Sheriff frisks him as the Deputy covers. DEPUTYWe did it, Ray.KITYou better not leave that Cadillac sitting out here.The Sheriff takes out a pair of handcuffs. SHERIFFPut your hands in back of your head.The Sheriff claps the handcuffs on one of Kit's wrists. SHERIFFNow put the other one on yourself.Kit does as the Sheriff asks. The Deputy holsters his pistol and walks forward to inspect their prize. He and KIT exchange glances. DEPUTY (to Sheriff)Hell, he ain't no bigger than I am.The Sheriff sticks his pistol in Kit's ear and leads him off toward the police car. KITYou're going to give me a cauliflower ear, Sheriff.The Sheriff gives Kit a shove. DEPUTYHe should've thought about that before he got caught... Shouldn't he?The Deputy draws his pistol and fires a shot into the neighboring field. Kit is startled. The Deputy makes the same motion, this time without firing. DEPUTYHup!EXT. HIGHWAY The police car sails down an open stretch of highway. INT. POLICE CAR Kit thinks for a while, then turns to the Sheriff, who is driving. KITThink I'll take the juice?SHERIFFBeats me.The Deputy, fascinated, watches all this from the back seat. Kit turns to him. KITSay, what kind of rifle was that you were shooting at me?DEPUTYThirty aught six.KIT (o.c.)You ever had to open it up like that before?DEPUTYNope.Kit turns back around. KIT (reassuringly)Well, you boys have performed like a couple of heroes... And don't think I'm not going to pass it around when we get to town.The Sheriff lifts the hat off Kit's head and tosses it out the window. It rolls to a stop on the highway behind them. KITYou tossed my hat out the window.SHERIFF (o.c.)Wanta sue me?KITNo.DEPUTYKit... Kit, I've got a question for you.KITMmmmm.DEPUTYYou like people?KITThey're okay.DEPUTYThen why'd you do it?KITI don't know. Always wanted to be a criminal, I guess. Just not this big a one... Takes all kinds though.Kit gets a smile from the Deputy. The Deputy turns to the Sheriff. DEPUTYYou know who that sombitch looks like? (no reply) You know, don't you?Kit is anxious to hear the answer. SHERIFF (o.c.)No.DEPUTYI'll kiss your ass if he don't look like James Dean.Kit drops his eyes and turns away, deeply gratified by this remark. The Sheriff smiles at the Deputy in the rear mirror. The car roars past a freight train. INT. AIRPORT HANGAR Kit stands on the wing of a light plane, inside a large hangar at the local airport. He is shackled in a leather transfer vest. He takes souvenirs out of his pockets and tosses them out to a crowd of Montana State Troopers and National Guardsmen milling around on the tarmac ground below him. MECHANICHow you doing there, Kit?KIT (o.c.)Fine as can be expected. Just locked up, can't move.MECHANIC (o.c.)That's a nice little coat you got on there.KITYou think?... it's leather.He takes out his cigarette lighter. KITHey, now here's a real prize. I must've had this about ten years. Who's going to get it?VOICE (o.c.)Gimme that sombitch.KITThere you go.SECOND VOICE (o.c.)Where you from?KITSouth Dakota. Where you from?SECOND VOICE (o.c.)Here.KITWant a comb?He takes a comb out of his pocket and pitches it down to somebody. He ignores most of the questions coming at him. THIRD VOICE (o.c.)Joni James is from South Dakota.KITYeah, she got out of there, too.FOURTH VOICE (o.c.)You ever been to Kansas?FIFTH VOICE (o.c.)Hey, Kit. whot's your favorite singer?KITEddie Fisher. Who's yours?FIFTH VOICE (o.c.)Eddie Fisher.KITDamn! Want a pen?He pitches the man a ballpoint. The CAMERA MOVES BACK to a WIDE SHOT of the whole scene. SIXTH VOICE (o.c.)How old are you?KITDon't you read the papers?SIXTH VOICE (.o.c.)You ever been married?KITNo sir, I hadn't.EXT. HANGAR - SERIES OF ANGLES Various SHOTS of the National Guardsmen dozing on the pavement. playing cards beside the hangar, a little bored. Also a shot of Holly with the Sheriff and Deputy. SEVENTH VOICE (o.c.)Hey, Kit, you afraid of death?KIT (o.c.)I hadn't thought about it much.INT. HANGAR The Deputy walks up to Kit with some legal papers. KITHey, listen, Tom, I don't mean to tell you how to run your show here but these cuffs are pinching. What do you say now? DEPUTYI need to get your signature on some papers here, Kit.KITWell, I've got to read them first. Suppose I could get a Coke while I do?DEPUTYSure thing. Come on.He gives Kit the papers and leads him out of the hangar. Kit turns back to the crowd inside. KITYou boys keep out of trouble.GUARDSMANDon't worry about us.DEPUTYHolly's over here, Kit. if you want to see her.KITSure.EXT. POLICE CAR Holly leans against the fender of the police car. She wears handcuffs. Kit turns to a State Trooper who holds him by a tether. KITYou want to give me a little slack here?The Trooper pays out the slack. Kit leans against the car. He and Holly exchange looks. KITDon't worry now.. I'm going to get you off these charges... There's a whole lot of other boys out there. You're going to have a lot of fun.Holly looks down. KITBoy, we rang the bells, didn't we?Holly does not reply. KITI'll say one thing, though... That guy with the deaf maid? He's just lucky he's not dead, too.Holly does not appreciate the humor of this. Kit, chastened, turns serious. KITCourse it's too bad about your dad.HOLLYYeah.KITWe're going to have to sit down, and talk about that sometime.He looks up at the SOUND of an incoming plane. EXT. AIRPORT - SERIES OF ANGLES The plane that will take them back to South Dakota, a B-25, comes in for a landing. The mass of Troopers and National Guardsmen, with Kit and Holly, walks out to meet it. A jeep leads it down the taxiway. A civilian bystander points Kit and Holly out to a young boy he holds in his arms. EXT. PLANE Kit signs his extradition papers on the back of the Chief Trooper, gives them to the Deputy and shakes hands with the Chief. KITThank you very much, Chief Sims. Sorry if I caused you any inconvenience.CHIEFYou didn't cause me any trouble.KITThanks anyway.He turns to shake hands with the Deputy. The planets engines whir to life. DEPUTYWell, Kit...KITTom...DEPUTYGood luck to you.KITThanks.DEPUTYI mean it.KITI know you do. Good luck to you, too.TROOPERNow we go.The Trooper pulls him toward the plane. Kit calls Holly. KITCome on, Red.EXT. RUNWAY - SERIES OF ANGLES The props start turning. The crowd waves goodbye as the boarding door is closed. The wheels turn toward the sun. The Guardsmen race back to their trucks. A mailman carries off the mail bags he collected from the plane. The plane taxies down the runway and lifts into the air. HOLLY (v.o.)Kit and I were taken back to South Dakota. They kept him in solitary, so he didn't have a chance to get acquainted with the other inmates, though he was sure they'd like him, especially the murderers. Myself, I got off with probation and a lot of nasty looks. Later I married the son of the lawyer who defended me. (pause) Kit went to sleep in the courtroom while his confession was being read, and he was sentenced to die in the electric chair. On a warm spring night, six months later, after donating his body to science, he did. With Holly's last words we CUT INSIDE the cabin of the plane. INT. CABIN Kit sits next to the Trooper at the back of the plane. Holly sits opposite them, with a Detective behind her. Kit's attention is fixed on the military hat in the Trooper's lap. KITSir... Where'd you get that hat?TROOPERState.KITBoy, I'd like to buy me one of those.The Trooper smiles. Holly looks up. TROOPERYou're quite an individual, Kit.KITThink they'll take that into consideration?The Trooper smiles and looks out the window. Kit looks to Holly, to see if she has taken this remark in the proper spirit. She smiles and looks out the window. EXT. CLOUDS - HOLLY'S POV - DUSK An unbroken sea of clouds stretches out before her. FADE OUT. END CREDITS OVER BLACK. THE END

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+"BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA" by Mike Judge and Joe Stillman The movie begins with scenes of people screaming in horror and running down the streets of a big city. The ground shakes from what seems like giant footsteps. There are pieces of building debris falling everywhere, people getting crushed, power lines coming down, etc. - complete pandemonium. It all looks very much like a Japanese animated King-Kong or Godzilla movie. We hear the footsteps getting closer and the ground shaking becomes more intense - more debris falling. Then we see a HUGE BLACK TENNIS SHOE come into frame and smash a National Guard truck. As we pan up, we see the white socks, then the red shorts, the AC/DC T- shirt, then we hear the familiar, "Huh huh huh." - only it's a huge sound...this is a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT TALL BUTT-HEAD. "Butt- Kong" continues his path of destruction - stomping on cars and buildings and saying, "This is cool. Huh huh huh." Airplanes and tanks start firing at Butt-Head (Butt-Kong). He looks irritated and says, "Cut it out butt-munch!" Butt-Head swats at the planes, sending them crashing to the ground and stomps on the tanks. Then, something catches his eye. Butt-Head reaches into a skyscraper and picks up a nice looking woman - a lot like the one from the King Kong movie. He looks down at her in his hand and goes wide-eyed, "Whoa! Huh huh huh." The woman screams in terror as Butt-Head looks down at her and tries a few lame pick up lines. "Uuuuh...Hey baby. I'm like, pretty tall. Huh huh huh." He swats down a helicopter that is circling his head, "Dammit, I'm trying to score!" The helicopter goes down in flames. We CUT TO some guys sitting on a tank firing at him. They notice giant footsteps coming from the other direction and turn the tank around. Through their binoculars we see a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT BEAVIS coming from the horizon. The giant Beavis is even more destructive than Butt-Kong (maybe he could be breathing fire). Beavis starts trying to pick up on Butt-Head's woman. Butt-Head puts the woman down and he and Beavis begin to go at it, leveling the city with one of their stupid juvenile smack-fights. We CROSS-DISSOLVE from three-hundred foot Beavis shaking Butt-Kong to Butt-Head asleep on the couch with Beavis shaking him. INT. B&B'S HOME - DAY BEAVIS (O.C.) Butt-Head! Butt-Head! Hey, Butt-Head! Butt-Head is dead asleep on the couch. Beavis shakes him. BEAVIS Butt-Head, wake up, wake up! Butt-Head comes around. BUTT-HEAD Dammit, Beavis, I was about to score. Huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah, but check it out. It's gone! BUTT-HEAD What's gone? BEAVIS The TV. Beavis is making STRANGE NOISES, in a state of shock. Butt-Head rubs his eyes and looks at the empty space where the TV was. BUTT-HEAD Uuuuuuh, huh huh. Uuh,... Out the window, we see two YOUNG MEN carrying B&B's TV into their van. Still on the couch, Butt-Head looks over at the broken window. We see a CROWBAR lying on the floor, and the front door left open. Butt-Head looks at the BROKEN WINDOW, at the CROWBAR, the OPEN DOOR, then back at the EMPTY SPACE where the TV was. He does this a couple of times - piecing it all together. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) Whoa! I think I just figured something out Beavis. BEAVIS What? BUTT-HEAD This sucks. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. Beavis is still in shock. They both stare at the empty space where the TV was for a beat, not quite sure what to do. Beavis is SHAKING AND MAKING WEIRD NOISES. He presses buttons on the remote a few times, as if it might help somehow. BUTT-HEAD This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took the TV. EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT Bad neighborhood. 70's music blares. A fast driving car drives right at us and stops. Punks run in fear. Beavis hops out of the driver's seat, wearing bell-bottoms, chain jewelry and a 70's afro. Into a dramatic CLOSE-UP, he takes off his glasses. FREEZE ON BEAVIS ANNOUNCER Beavis! FRAME UNFREEZES. Beavis whips out a huge gun. BEAVIS Freeze, butt-wipe! An attacker comes from one side. Beavis uses Judo. Another tosses a knife. Beavis ducks, then shoots with two hands, police style. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Swinger's pad. Totally 70's. A group of bikini'd girls on a waterbed. Butt-Head approaches them. He wears a leisure suit, collar way open. He plops down in the bed. FREEZE ON BUTT-HEAD ANNOUNCER Butt-Head! FRAME UNFREEZES. The girls wrap their arms around him. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. Come to Butt-Head, baby. ANNOUNCER Star in... MAIN TITLE - FULL FRAME EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY/NIGHT ACTION MONTAGE BEGINS. Styled like a 70's cop show opening. OPENING CREDITS to the movie appear just as cop show credits would. Beavis does a Starsky and Hutch-style roll with a gun. Butt-Head slaps a pimp. Beavis drives, chasing a car. Butt-Head is slapped by a girl. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. That was cool. Beavis and Butt-Head are in a warehouse shoot-out. A black police chief rises from a desk to yell at B&B. B&B dive for cover just before a building explodes. In CLOSE-UP, Beavis smiles for an ID shot. Butt-Head does the same. Beavis, in a rooftop fight, kicks his opponent over the edge. A beautiful woman, back to us, takes off her dress for Butt-Head. FINAL OPENING CREDIT APPEARS. Butt-Head and the woman fall into bed. Suddenly... INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY/DOOR TO A.V. ROOM - DAY From inside, SOUND of equipment crashing. B&B come out wheeling a TV on one of those carts. There are cables attached to it still leading back into the A.V. room. As they push the cart we hear more equipment falling. BUTT-HEAD Dammit, it's stuck. They give it one big push and it finally breaks free. We see that the cables are tangled with cables from other TVs and VCRs, which all come crashing to the ground. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) Huh huh huh. That was cool. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. Let's just wheel this thing back to the house. INT. SCHOOL/ANOTHER HALLWAY - DAY MR. VAN DRIESSEN stops B&B. VAN DRIESSEN Ah, excuse me boys. What's going on here? BUTT-HEAD Uh, someone stole our TV. BEAVIS Yeah. We're just gonna use this one. Get outta the way. Heh heh. VAN DRIESSEN I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school. Mmmkay? You know, this could be a positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. He said "anus." BEAVIS (to himself) Entert-ain...us...an-us...Oh yeah! Heh heh. Anus. Heh heh. VAN DRIESSEN (frustrated) Have you guys heard a word I've said? BUTT-HEAD Yeah, "anus." Huh huh huh huh. VAN DRIESSEN Look, guys, just take the TV back to the A.V. room right now. And try to be a little more open-minded. Mmkay? Van Driessen leaves. B&B continue to wheel the cart home. BUTT-HEAD What a dork. Huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. He's a anus. Heh heh. EXT. SCHOOL/STAIRWAY - DAY B&B arrive with the cart at the top of a stairway. They lamely attempt to let it slowly down the steps. The cart is too top-heavy and goes tumbling to the bottom of the stairs, shattering the TV. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. That was cool. BEAVIS No it wasn't! BUTT-HEAD Uh,...Oh yeah. B&B stand at the top of the stairs looking down at the wrreckage. PRINCIPAL McVICKER shows up by the TV. McVICKER Why.... You... You bastards... Ge... get out! You're suspended. One more screw up... and you're expelled. B&B walk off laughing. EXT. THE ANDERSON'S DRIVEWAY - DUSK B&B walk up. There's a camper in the driveway. BUTT-HEAD Whoa, check it out Beavis. I didn't know Anderson had a Camper. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. Maybe it has a TV. Heh heh. TV. B&B walk up to the camper and start to open the door just as MARCY ANDERSON opens it. (As usual, she doesn't recognize them.) MARCY Oh, hello. Are you guys here to look at the refrigerator? BUTT-HEAD Uh, no. BEAVIS We're here to look at the TV. Heh heh. MARCY Oh, I didn't realize it was broken. Come on in. BUTT-HEAD Cool. Huh huh huh. B&B walk into the camper. Marcy stays outside. EXT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - SAME TIME Tom is adjusting the trailer-hitch. Marcy watches. TOM Well that oughtta hold her. Ya know, the most important thing you can have on a camper is a good propane regulator, and this here's the best one they make. MARCY I sure hope we can get the 'fridge fixed before we leave. TOM Now Marcy, we've been savin' for this trip our whole lives and we're gonna go come Hell or high water... Through the camper walls, we hear the faint sound of B&B AIR/MOUTH-GUITARING "IRON MAN." TOM (CONT.) What the hell is that noise? INT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK B&B watch a "Cops"-type show. Beavis gets up, goes to the refrigerator and grabs a soda. The refrigerator is under the counter on which the TV is sitting. Beavis takes a sip and then does a SPIT TAKE, SPRAYING SODA ALL OVER THE TOP OF THE TV. BEAVIS AAAAAAGH!!! This crap is warm! ANGLE ON TV: The soda Beavis spit out drips into the inside of the TV. We see smoke and hear SIZZLING AND SHORT CIRCUIT SFX. The TV goes dead. BUTT-HEAD Beavis, you butt-hole! You broke it. EXT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK B&B come out. Tom notices them. TOM Hey, what's goin' on here? MARCY They're here to fix the TV, Tom. TOM The TV ain't broken. BUTT-HEAD Yeah it is. Huh huh huh. Tom adjusts his glasses as he looks at B&B. TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see B&B out of focus. TOM Hey wait a minute. You two look kinda familiar. Ain't you them kids that've been whackin' off in my tool shed? BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh huh huh. ANGLE ON BEAVIS: looking particularly guilty, eyes shifting back and forth. B&B walk off, leaving Tom wondering. EXT. STREET IN A SEEDY PART OF TOWN - JUST BEFORE DAWN B&B are having TV withdrawal. Butt-Head is bug-eyed. Beavis has the shakes bad, arms folded like Dustin Hoffman in "Midnight Cowboy." BEAVIS Nnnnooo. Oooooh nooooo. BUTT-HEAD What's your problem Beavis? BEAVIS I need TV now! Now! NNNNDAMMIT!!! Butt-Head stops short. He looks up. His face is bathed in a golden, throbbing light. BUTT-HEAD'S P.O.V.: We see a flashing neon sign that says, "TV". Pull back to show B&B are standing outside the Elite Motel Lodge, featuring "Color TV" and "Air-Cooled Rooms", with "Special Nap Rates." B&B stare up, as if at a god. BEAVIS (crazed) Heh heh. TV. Heh Teee Veee. EXT. MOTEL COURT - CONTINUOUS Butt-Head tries the first door. It's locked. He tries the second door. It's locked. He tries the third door. It opens. B&B's eyes bulge. Inside, PRINCIPAL McVICKER is lying across the legs of an obvious prostitute, his pants pulled down. She SPANKS him. McVICKER Please mmm... may I have another?! B&B LAUGH. McVicker hears and looks up. McVICKER (CONT.) Beavis and Butt-Head! Y...y...you bastards. BEAVIS Can we watch your TV? McVICKER Y... Y... You're expelled! Get out! Butt-Head closes the door, laughing, and starts to walk towards the next door. The muffled sound of a SPANK can be heard followed by McVicker asking for another. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. That was cool. BEAVIS Dammit! I need a TV now! We're missing everything! INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS The only light in the room is a flickering TV. Sitting on the bed, talking on the phone is MUDDY. He's a tough, mean looking red-neck - a Jack Ruby type. On the nightstand next to him is a three-quarter drunk bottle of bourbon and a manila envelope. On his lap is a big gun. MUDDY ...Are you sure these guys can pull this off? It's gotta look like an accident... We hear a knock on the door and muffled B&B laughs. MUDDY (CONT.) Hold on a minute. That must be them now. I'll call you back. (Hangs up phone)... Come in! B&B walk in. Muddy turns on the light. BEAVIS (sounding suddenly sedated) Aaaah. TeeeVeeeee, heh heh. MUDDY Yer late. BUTT-HEAD Why? Did we miss American Gladiators? MUDDY'S P.O.V.: B&B are a drunken blur. MUDDY Well, Earl said you guys were young, but jeez... Oh well, as long as you can get the job done. So what are your names? BUTT-HEAD Uh, Butt-Head. BEAVIS Beavis. MUDDY That's alright. I'd rather not know your real names anyways. I'm Muddy. Look, I'm gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you ten grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her... BUTT-HEAD (full of innuendo) Do her? Huh huh. MUDDY That's right. I'm offering you ten grand plus expenses to do my wife. We gotta deal? Butt-Head stares in shock. BEAVIS Actually, we just wanna watch TV... BUTT-HEAD Shut up Beavis! Uh, yeah. We'll do your wife. BEAVIS (trembling) Nnnnaah...We need to watch TV DAMMIT!!! Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis and pulls him aside. BUTT-HEAD Beavis, you butt-munch, this guy wants us to score with his wife. And he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV. BEAVIS Oh, heh heh really? Cool. Heh heh. BUTT-HEAD (to Muddy) Uh, huh huh... We'll do it, sir. MUDDY Okay, then let's get down to business. ANGLE ON THE BED. Muddy slaps down a picture of DALLAS, his wife. Leather clad, biker, beautiful. MUDDY (CONT.) Here she is. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. Ya gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her. BUTT-HEAD Whoa, huh huh. Cool. Muddy plunks down PLANE TICKETS. MUDDY She's holed up in a hotel room in Las Veags. Your flight leaves in a couple of hours. Now c'mon, I'll drive you to the airport. BUTT-HEAD Holed up. Huh huh huh. Holed. BEAVIS Can we watch some TV first? Muddy picks up the gun and SHOOTS the TV. MUDDY No. EXT. CITY STREETS - MORNING Muddy driving his loud four-by-four like a maniac, drunk with bloodshot eyes. B&B are in the back seat. He eyes them through the rearview. Meanwhile, a cat bounces off the windshield with a SHRIEK. MUDDY One more thing. Mah wife's got this leather satchel. It's black, about this big. I need ya to bring it back. It's real important. Sentimental value... Any questions so far? BUTT-HEAD Uh, yeah. Does she have big hooters? MUDDY She sure does. BUTT-HEAD This is gonna be cool! Huh huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. Boooooiiiing!!! MUDDY Just make sure it looks like an accident... BEAVIS (spastic) Yeah, heh heh. I think I just had an accident. Heh heh hmm heh hmm heh. MUDDY Huh huh. You guys are funny. Let's have a drink on it. Muddy swigs the last swallow from his bottle of bourbon. EXT. AIRPORT - EARLY MORNING In an overhead view, the four-by-four screeches up to the gate, fishtails to a stop, throwing B&B onto the sidewalk, and peels away. BUTT-HEAD We're gonna get paid to score. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh, and then we're gonna get a big-screen TV! Heh heh. BUTT-HEAD Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives. Huh huh huh. INT. AIRPLANE - DAY B&B enter the plane. They sit down in the first two seats on the right - in First Class. A flight attendant, DOLORIS approaches them. DOLORIS Hi. Can I help you find your seats? BUTT-HEAD Uuh, nah. These seats are OK. DOLORIS I think your tickets have you seated in row fourteen, coach. So why don't you just go ahead and move back, OK? BUTT-HEAD That's OK. Someone else can have those. BEAVIS Yeah, it's not that important to me, really. Those seats are too small anyways. Doloris yanks them out of their seats and leads them down the aisle. ANGLE DOWN AISLE in coach. Doloris stops by a row where an elderly woman, MARTHA, sits by the window. Next to her: Two empty seats. DOLORIS Here you are. She gestures to the seats and leaves. Beavis climbs in the middle, Butt-Head in the aisle - still watching Doloris. BUTT-HEAD Hey Beavis. When she was leading us down here, huh huh, she touched my butt. Huh huh huh. Martha, her senses a bit dimmed from age, turns to B&B. MARTHA Hello there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas? BEAVIS Yeah, we're gonna score. MARTHA I hope to score big there myself. I'm mostly going to be doing the slots. BEAVIS Yeah, I'm hoping to do some sluts too. Heh heh. Do they have lots of sluts in Las Vegas? MARTHA Oh, there are so many slots you won't know where to begin. BEAVIS Whoa! heh heh. Hey Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas! Heh heh heh. BUTT-HEAD Cool. Huh huh huh. MARTHA It's so nice to meet young men who are so well mannered. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. I'm gonna have money, and a big-screen TV and sluts everywhere! MARTHA Oh, that's nice. CAPTAIN'S VOICE (V.O.) (through P.A.) Good morning. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight 151 non-stop to Las Vegas. We ask that you turn your attention to the front of the cabin for pre-flight safety instructions. B&B see Doloris, stepping nearby to demonstrate the seat belt. ATTENDANT'S VOICE To fasten your seat belt, insert the free end into the coupling. BUTT-HEAD Insert. Huh huh huh. Doloris demonstrates. B&B are dumbfounded. It's too complicated. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) Uh... They struggle to make their seat belts fit, getting each other's parts. TAMMY (O.C.) Hi, I'm Tammy? Can I help you with that? Butt-Head looks up. From his P.O.V. we see a beautiful woman, TAMMY, smiling, her hands reaching down. FALLING IN LOVE/HARP MUSIC STING plays. CLOSE on Butt-Head's lap as two female hands reach down and pull one strap from between Butt-Head's legs. Butt-Head looks down at his lap as Tammy leans over him. A loud CLICKING can be heard. Butt-Head stares blankly. TAMMY (CONT.) There you go. You're all set. BUTT-HEAD (stunned) I love you. Suddenly Martha buckles Beavis' belt. Tammy goes. BEAVIS Wait, I wanted her to do it. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh. Soon, she will be mine. CAPTAIN'S VOICE Flight attendants, please prepare for take-off. The engines start to hum. The plane is rolling. Butt-Head struggles to get his seat belt off. He does everything but pull the handle. Beavis goes white with fear. The plane starts to shake. The engines rumble. Beavis starts to freak. BEAVIS Hey wait a minute. What's going on?! Butt-Head bangs away at his seat belt. Beavis looks out the window and realizes they're in the air. BEAVIS (CONT.) (screams) Aaaagh! We're gonna die!!!!! ANGLE ON COUPLE IN FRONT OF B&B: MAN D'ya hear that? Something must be wrong! WOMAN Oh my God!!!!!!! ANGLE ON CABIN, people start screaming. The plane quakes, lifting up. ON BUTT-HEAD, furiously pulling: BUTT-HEAD Dammit! Huh huh. That chick wants me. BEAVIS Aggghg! We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! The plane arcs upward. Butt-Head finally gets the belt off as the plane is in full thrust. He rises and goes tumbling backward down the aisle. ON PEOPLE seeing Butt-Head flying, screaming in panic. In free fall: Butt-Head grabs the door to the hangable luggage. It all comes tearing out. Butt-Head flies up, hitting several overhead luggage racks, which open and spill their contents. Butt-Head lands in the galley, causing food to go flying and coffee to pour freely. ON THE CABIN as the plane starts to level out. People stop their screaming. ON BUTT-HEAD, underneath the rubble, poking his head out. He's directly across from the flight attendant station where Tammy is strapped in. BUTT-HEAD Uh, huh huh... could you, like, do that thing with my belt again? INT. PLANE - LATER All's in order. Flight attendants roll the beverage cart up the aisle. People read, relaxed. ON BEAVIS AND MARTHA. Martha is showing pictures of her grandchildren. Beavis is showing the picture of Dallas that Muddy gave him. BEAVIS I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, you know, get down... MARTHA You'll have to speak up son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations. I've had two operations on my heart. BEAVIS Really? I poop too much. MARTHA Oh, maybe you're lactose intolerant. BEAVIS Uh... No, (louder) I poop too much. Then I get tired. MARTHA Well, if you find yourself getting tired, take a couple of these. She hands him a box of NoDrowz. MARTHA (CONT.) They perk me right up. BEAVIS Heh heh, thanks. He pours the contents into his hand and chews them like candy. Then his eyes open wide. BEAVIS (CONT.) (strange) Uh, tastes like crap. Heh heh. Mmmmm. Beavis starts wolfing them down. INT. PLANE - A BIT LATER Tammy passes out meals from a rolling cart. She works with Doloris. Butt-head stands behind Tammy, attempting to hit on her. BUTT-HEAD (to Tammy) So, uh huh huh, are you going to Las Vegas? Huh huh huh. Tammy ignores him and moves on, leaving Butt-Head there. ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, looking down at something. PAN DOWN to reveal he's looking at a BEER on a fat guy's tray. The guy's asleep. Butt-head picks up the beer. ANGLE ON BEAVIS, nearby. The NoDrowz is starting to take effect. Beavis starts shaking, babbling, staring cross-eyed at his fist, etc. (pre-Cornholio stuff) Tammy reaches her next passenger. TAMMY Hi, we're serving dinner. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo... BEAVIS (O.S.) Piccata? Piccata! Picattatta tatta! Tammy moves forward, leaving Butt-Head standing there. In the background, we see Beavis starting to quake, on the verge of Cornholio mode. PASSENGER Does the gumbo have corn in it? ANGLE ON BEAVIS: Turned, facing the cabin, T-shirt pulled over his head in full Cornholio mode. BEAVIS I am Cornholio! I need picatta for my bunghole! TAMMY You'll have to wait your turn sir. BEAVIS Are you threatening me? My bunghole will not wait! Beavis starts to wander down the aisle. ANGLE ON CURTAIN TO FIRST CLASS CABIN. Beavis enters. From the other side, SOUND of screams. We hear several CALL BUTTONS being pressed. ON BUTT-HEAD. He approaches Tammy from behind. She ignores him. BUTT-HEAD Uh, I got a beer. Want some? Huh huh. ANGLE INSIDE THE COCKPIT. The PILOTS are relaxed and settled in when the door to the cockpit slams open. Beavis is in the doorway SCREAMING. BEAVIS Bargarajjjaaaahhh!!! I am Cornholio!! The pilots SCREAM. The copilot jumps up so fast he causes coffee to spill everywhere, including on the captain's lap. The captain then jumps up, hitting the controls and SENDING THE PLANE INTO A NOSE-DIVE. ON BUTT-HEAD In the back of the plane standing next to Tammy. He starts to take a sip of beer. The nose-dive of the plane causes Butt-Head to go FLYING TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE PLANE. BUTT-HEAD AAAAAHHH!!! Huh huh. AAAAHHH!!! Butt-Head bounces all overthe plane and then gets tangled up in the curtain that separates first class and coach. It tears off, and he continues to fly forward. COCKPIT The captain is desperately trying to regain control of the plane. Butt-Head slams into the cockpit, landing on the control panel facing the captain. CAPTAIN Get the hell out of the cockpit! BUTT-HEAD Huh huh, you said... CAPTAIN NOW!!! The captain throws Butt-Head back behind him and pulls the plane out of the dive. EXT. LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - EARLY EVENING The plane lands. INT. COCKPIT DOOR - EARLY EVENING The flight attendants, shaken, smile at a line of people deplaning. The people are white with fear, some covered with flecks of spilled food and other matter. ATTENDANTS Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. They grow silent and still as B&B pass by. Beavis takes the T- shirt off his head, coming down from Cornholio. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. That was cool. INT. TERMINAL/ARRIVAL GATE - DAY Arriving passengers are greeted. A family is reunited. Two businessmen walk up to limo drivers holding cards with their names. A reunited couple hugs. B&B look around in confusion. BUTT-HEAD Uh, huh huh, this is Las Vegas? BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. I thought there'd be casinos and lights and stuff. People greet and walk away. The place starts to clear out. One limo driver is left standing. He wears sunglasses and holds a sign that reads: Beavis and Butt-Head. B&B look around. Except for the driver, they're alone. BEAVIS (CONT.) Hey Butt-Head, why's that guy holding a sign? BUTT-HEAD Uh... maybe he's blind... Huh huh, check this out. B&B go up to him. Butt-Head turns around, drops his pants and hangs a "B.A." at the guy. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. DRIVER Ah, excuse me. You wouldn't know where I can find these guys, would ya? He indicates the sign. Butt-Head turns around and pulls up his pants. They look and try to read: BUTT-HEAD (reads) Uh, B...A...U... No, uh, V... BEAVIS (reads) Uh... Buuuuut. Boot. Someone named boot. BUTT-HEAD (realizes) Huh huh. This says Beavis. BEAVIS And Boot-Head. BUTT-HEAD That's Butt-Head. Don't you get it, Beavis. These dudes have the same name as us. BEAVIS Yeah, we should party. The limo driver rolls his eyes and walks away. DRIVER This way, sirs. B&B follow the driver away. Beavis looks around. BEAVIS So where's those guys? EXT. MUDDY'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY HARLAN and ROSS, the two dumb-looking rough-necks that stole B&B's TV are standing outside Muddy's motel room. Harlan knocks on the door. ROSS Where the hell is he? HARLAN You sure this is the right place? Harlan looks through the window and sees the shattered TV. No one's there. Muddy's four-by-four SQUEALS into the lot and skids to a stop next to Harlan and Ross' van. Muddy gets out, looking really drunk now. HARLAN (CONT.) You Muddy? MUDDY (slurring) You the cops? ROSS Uh, no. Earl sent us. You know, to take care of your wife... Muddy grabs Ross by the collar. MUDDY What the hell?!... What about those other... ROSS Huh? Muddy tosses Ross to the sidewalk and starts back to they four-by- four. MUDDY Dammit!!! She did it to me again!!! HARLAN Hey, I noticed your TV was broken. You wanna buy a new one? Muddy gets in the four-by-four and starts it. MUDDY I'm gonna go to Vegas and kill all three a' them! Harlan and Ross seem momentarily confused. Muddy revs the engine, peels out backwards HITTING THE FRONT OF THE VAN. This causes B&B's TV and some other loot to spill out the back onto the sidewalk. Ross starts to pick it up. HARLAN Just leave it. Worthless piece o' crap. ROSS Yeah, really. We gotta start stealin' from rich people. EXT. LAS VEGAS - DAY MONTAGE SONG BEGINS. Note: I would like this to be a well-known band (Red Hot Chili Peppers) doing their best imitation of a modern Las Vegas lounge act. I think a song like "What Am I Gonna Do With You" by Barry White or something obnoxious like "Bicostal" by Peter Allan would be cool. Or maybe Sinatra's "You Make Me Feel So Young" would be best. The car passes by major hotels and tourist sights, finally pulling up to a big luxurious hotel and casino. INT. HOTEL/CASINO - DAY Establishing shots. Excitement. Gambling tables going on forever. ON THE LOUNGE BAND playing the song we've been hearing. They should vaguely resemble the actual band doing the song. PAN DOWN rows of slot machines. PAN ACROSS DEALERS handling cards and chips. DOLLY RIGHT UP TO B&B, staring in utter awe. REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS: They're staring at a huge Roman statue of a bare-chested woman. Their faces are blank. They're seeing God. Finally: BUTT-HEAD Beavis. This is what it's all about. BEAVIS (speechless) Heh heh. Yeah. EXT. VEGAS - DUSK Lights are popping on. Billboards and signs are lighting up. The whole strip is coming alive. Pure excitement. INT. HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK ON B&B, still staring at the statue. B&B (in awe) Huh huh huh huh huh. A security guard comes and drags B&B away. ON THE LOUNGE BAND, continuing the song we've been hearing. INT. B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT The door is opened by a bellboy. BELLBOY I'm so sorry about that little misunderstanding. We didn't know you were registered guests. Here's some playing chips compliments of... Beavis rushes in and grabs the remote which is attached to the night table. He tries to pull it up and can't. BEAVIS This remote's too heavy! BELLBOY Sir, it's attached to the... BUTT-HEAD Here, dumbass! Let me try! They both struggle to pull it up. Finally, they fall over backwards. Annoyed, the bellboy leaves. INT. ELEVATOR BANK/9TH FLOOR - NIGHT The elevator arrives. B&B get on. There's several sophisticated people. From inside, a computerized FEMALE ELEVATOR VOICE: ELEVATOR VOICE Ninth floor, going down. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. BUTT-HEAD Going down. Huh huh huh. The sophisticated people look repulsed. The doors close. INT. HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT MUSIC DIPS DOWN FOR DIALOGUE. B&B step off the elevator and walk among the gambling tables. Beavis pulls one of the playing chips out of his pocket and bites into it. BEAVIS Ow! These chips suck. BUTT-HEAD What a rip-off. Come on. We gotta find that chick. Beavis tosses the chip on a roulette table. ANGLE ON THE WHEEL. The ball lands on 13. At the table, the DEALER... DEALER 13. We have a winner. (to Beavis) Sir, your chips? BEAVIS I don't want 'em! Keep 'em. DEALER Let it ride! BUTT-HEAD (to dealer) Uh... could you help us find a chick? DEALER (uneasy) Sir, the casino does not partake in that kind of activity. The wheel stops. DEALER (CONT.) (amazed) 13! Winner! People oooh and aaah. More gather to watch. Through the gathering throng comes CHERYL, a hooker. CHERYL Excuse me, boys. Did I hear you say you're looking for a date? B&B freeze, shocked. CHERYL (CONT.) I'm Cheryl, and I can show you a real fine time. B&B don't move. The dealer rolls again. CHERYL (CONT.) A time you'll remember for the rest of your lives, if you know what I mean. DEALER (to Beavis) Sir, do you want your chips? BEAVIS No, Dammit! I don't want any chips! DEALER Let it ride. Cheryl puts her hands on their thighs. CHERYL What say we three go up to your room, take off our clothes and just see what comes up. B&B's eyes open wide. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh huh huh huh. BEAVIS Uh... Uh... The wheel stops. DEALER 14. No winners. CHERYL Hmmmm. Oh well. She leaves. People scatter. B&B are left alone. Staring. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. That chick was talking about doing it. BEAVIS Heh heh. This is the best night of our lives. WIDE SHOT. B&B just stand, laughing. MUSIC FADES BACK UP... INT. HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT ANGLE ON THE BAND, continuing the song. Tourists watch from tables - decidedly not rocking out. B&B dance alone near the stage, doing the "butt-knocker." INT. HOTEL OFFICE - NIGHT A WOMAN ATTENDANT answers the phone. WOMAN ATTENDANT Good evening. Room service. How may I help you? From the phone... B&B (on phone) Huh huh huh huh huh. The woman's disturbed. WOMAN ATTENDANT Hello... Hello... INT. HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT B&B try to climb up and grab the gigantic boobs of the statue. Butt-Head falls, knocks Beavis off and they both hit the floor hard. INT. B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Beavis is on the phone in the main room. Butt-Head sits on the toilet and speaks from the phone in the bathroom. BUTT-HEAD Uh, huh huh, I'd like to be serviced... in my room. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. INT. HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT B&B keep dancing as the famous BAND plays the MONTAGE SONG which ENDS. EXT. VEGAS - DAWN Sunrise. The song rings out. INT. B&B'S ROOM - MORNING BEavis is picking up the night table by the remote attached to it and moving the whole thing. Butt-Head approaches a door next to the bed. BUTT-HEAD Uh, I wonder where this door goes to. Beavis comes over to check it out. Butt-Head opens the door. It's one of those double doors to the next room. Butt-Head tries to open the second door, jiggling it. Suddenly, the door opens. Someone reaches out and pulls B&B inside. It's DALLAS, the girl Muddy sent them after. INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS She has them pinned against the wall. DALLAS is hot, clad in tight leather, tattooed, pierced, sexy. BEAVIS (excited) Hey, Butt-Head, it's her! Heh heh. DALLAS All right, who are ya? C.I.A? F.B.I.? A.T.F.? BUTT-HEAD Uh... Hey baby. Are we like, doing it? BEAVIS Me first? DALLAS You got two seconds! BUTT-HEAD Uh, huh huh. Is that gonna be enough time? Dallas grabs Butt-Head by the shirt. DALLAS Who sent ya? BUTT-HEAD Uh, huh huh, this fat dude. He said we could do you. And he was gonna pay us. DALLAS Muddy! Sonofabitch! Hold it. What's he payin' ya? BUTT-HEAD Uh, ten uh... DALLAS Ten grand? That cheap-ass... I got a better deal for ya. I'll double it. I'll pay ya twenty if you go back there and do mah husband. BUTT-HEAD Uh, you want us to do a guy? Huh huh. No way. BEAVIS (considering it) Umm,... I don't know Butt-Head. That is a lot of money... Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick... Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis, bringing him to his senses. From outside, SOUND of a police siren. Dallas goes to the window. The place is being surrounded by police and plain black cars. DALLAS (panics) Damn! You boys, you wait right there. Dallas goes into the next room and closes the door. B&B look at each other. They start to take their pants off. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. I'm ready for love. BEAVIS Me first! Me first! INT. DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY Dallas gets binoculars from her bag and scouts outside. Her P.O.V. REVEALS dozens of police and A.T.F. cars. The hotel's surrounded. As Dallas looks around, she spots a tour bus across the street. On the side: "Dream America Tours." Dallas quickly dials the phone. DALLAS (to phone) Gimme the number for Dream America Tours. (pause) Right. Dallas dials again, crossing to the door to peek out at B&B - both standing in their underwear, waiting. Beavis picks his nose. Dallas closes the door again. DALLAS (CONT.) (to phone) Yeah, you got a bus leaving today? (pause) Five minutes? Where's it goin'? (listens) Washington, D.C.? (mulls it over) Perfect. (a look back to the other room) Gimme two tickets. INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY B&B are in their underwear. Butt-Head sits at the edge of the bed. Beavis tries to pull the remote off the table. Dallas enters, sees this sight, and shuts off the TV. She looms over Butt-Head. BUTT-HEAD So, uh, huh huh. Are we gonna score now? BEAVIS Me first! BUTT-HEAD Forget it, bunghole! B&B start to wrestle. Dallas sees Beavis' pants. DALLAS (realizing) Score? You boys wanna...? Butt-Head grabs Beavis' neck. BEAVIS Ow, let go, Butt-Head! BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. She picks up the pants, getting an idea. DALLAS You wait here. She takes the pants into the next room. B&B keep wrestling. BEAVIS Me first. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh. No way, dude. INT. DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY TIGHT ON her black satchel. From it she lifts a delicate electronic device, the X-5 unit, about the size of a credit card. An LED light blinks. Using her switchbalde, she cuts a hole in the back seam of Beavis' pants, creating a natural pocket. She carefully slides the unit in. INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY B&B's fight escalates. Butt-Head picks up a LAMP and throws it at Beavis. It hits the wall and SHATTERS. Beavis charges Butt-Head. INT. DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY Dallas is licking a piece of thread. She quickly and expertly threads a needle and then starts to sew the electronic device into the inside back of Beavis' pants. She suddenly wrinkles her nose as if she has smelled something. She holds the pants up to the light. Inside, the shadow of the unit. INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY B&B fight wildly. Dallas enters and clears her throat. B&B freeze. FULL ON DALLAS, posed sexily, seductive. DALLAS Don't wear yourselves out, boys. Save some energy for me. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. BUTT-HEAD This is it, Beavis. Huh huh. We're finally gonna score. BEAVIS Heh heh. Thank God. DALLAS I'm gonna do it with both of ya. B&B (uncontrollable) Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. Dallas clears her throat to get their attention. And again. DALLAS (sexy) Boys... (shouts) Boys!!! Silence. DALLAS (CONT.) But first, you hafta do a little job for me. (touches seductively) Would you like to do a job for me? Silence. They're in shock. DALLAS (CONT.) Here's what it is. I want ya to take a bus ta Washington, D.C. That's all. And when ya get there, I'll be waitin'. You're gonna make a whole lotta money. (In their faces) And I'm gonaa give you everything! B&B (near comatose) Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. DALLAS Until then... (tosses Beavis' pants in his face) Keep your pants on. She looks back to the window, now all business. DALLAS (CONT.) OK guys, time to move out. INT. HOTEL LOBBY/FRONT DOOR - DAY A.T.F. agents enter and spread out. We see several agents go up the stairs. INT. DALLAS' ROOM/DOORWAY - DAY DALLAS Remember, Washington, D.C. You'll get more money than you ever dreamed of. And you'll get me. She kisses them both seductively. DALLAS (CONT.) (urgent) Your bus is downstairs. Get going. She shuts the door, leaving B&B outside. Nearby, a maid with her cart passes by. B&B stare, frozen for a beat, then go running for the elevator. ANGLE AROUND THE CORNER, out of B&B's view. Just as the elevator doors shut, dozens of federal agents with guns rush in and kick open Dallas' door. EXT. HOTEL/CASINO - DAY More Feds and police enter. ANGLE ON B&B, walking past, oblivious to all else. As he walks away, Beavis rubs his butt. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh. BUTT-HEAD This is gonna be cool. Huh huh. They walk to the tour bus across the street. INT. TOUR BUS - DAY B&B walk down the aisle, Beavis rubbing his butt. Most seats are taken by senior citizens. Up ahead, two vacant seats. B&B fight to get in first. BUTT-HEAD No way butt-hole! I want the window. BEAVIS Cut it out butt-hole! A VOICE Why don't you take turns? They turn. It's Martha, the woman from the plane, sitting across the aisle. BEAVIS Hey, Butt-Head, it's that slut from the plane! MARTHA Why it's you two. How'd ya do in Vegas? BEAVIS Uh, we didn't score yet. MARTHA Sorry to hear that. Me, I took a beating. BUTT-HEAD Cool, huh huh huh. MARTHA That's why I'm bussing it across America. I'm so glad you're here. (to man in next seat) Jim, I want you to meet two nice boys. JIM, an old guy, wakes up and looks over. MARTHA (CONT.) This is Travis and Bob... What's your last name, dear? BUTT-HEAD Uh... Head? huh huh. My first name's Butt. Huh huh huh. JIM Pleased to meet ya, Mr. Head. All the seniors turn around to meet them. MARTHA Meet Sylvia. And Elloise and Sam. And Ed. And Doreen. BUTT-HEAD Are you guys sluts too? Huh huh huh. EXT. TOUR BUS - DAY It takes off. We PAN back to the hotel as Muddy arrives in a cab. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DALLAS' ROOM - DAY DRAMATIC REVEAL of AGENT RYAN FLEMMING entering the hallway. He's an A.T.F. honcho, powerful, hard-ass. Looks like an Oliver North- type. Sounds something like Fred Thompson. He walks with his assistant, AGENT BORK and another agent. They find Dallas' room and enter. INT. DALLAS' HOTEL ROOM - DAY Dallas sits calmly, confident, as agents tear apart the room. FLEMMING So, are you going to tell us where it is or am I going to have to have Agent Hurley over there give you another cavity search? ANGLE ON AGENT HURLEY, a tough, stocky woman. DALLAS Ooh is that a promise? FLEMMING Look Mrs. Scum, we know who you are. Tell her Bork. BORK Dallas Grimes. Married to Muddy Grimes. You run a mom and pop arms smuggling ring. He tosses her some photos of her and Muddy. DALLAS Oh, you got my bad side. Bork hands Flemming another file. Flemming checks it. FLEMMING Three days ago you pulled a job at the Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada - where you stole... (reads) The X-5 unit. Now we happen to know you had the unit with you when you checked in here, so why don't you be a good girl and tell us where it is. DALLAS You gonna charge me with anything? (pause) I didn't think so. You wanna let me go now or wait 'till my lawyer files a wrongful arrest. BORK (aside to Flemming) We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place apart. We can only legally hold her for another couple of hours. FLEMMING (aside to Bork) Dammit! (slams fist down) Where's that damn unit??!! EXT. HOOVER DAM - DAY The bus parks. INT. TOUR BUS - DAY B&B are excited. BEAVIS Heh heh. We're in Washington! BUTT-HEAD Huh huh. We're gonna score now. MARTHA Actually, we're at the Hoover Dam. Martha walks on down the aisle. BUTT-HEAD Damn, huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. Damn right! They follow the seniors out of the bus. Beavis rubs his butt. EXT. THE ROAD - DAY Dallas drives by in a slick car. INT. DALLAS' CAR - DAY She adjusts her rearview mirror to observe a Fed car following her. She smiles. INT. HOOVER DAM - DAY B&B and the seniors are on a tour through the giant basement. B&B talk and approach the HOOVER GUIDE, speaking nearby. BEAVIS So, like, where is she? BUTT-HEAD (looks around) Yeah, really. HOOVER GUIDE Over 40 thousand cubic tons of concrete were used in the construction of the Hoover Dam. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. HOOVER GUIDE From top to bottom, this dam is 51 stories. BEAVIS Uh, huh huh, excuse me. Is this a God Damn? B&B Huh huh huh huh huh. They follow the tour into the next room. INT. HOOVER DAM/OBSERVATION ROOM - DUSK A glass wall separates this from the master control room. There, two technicians are on watch. Banks of monitors show the water and pipes from various angles. B&B are the last in. Beavis rubs his aching butt. The guide is already speaking. HOOVER GUIDE ... Generates over 6000 gigawatts of electricity, all passing through this control room. This way. The tour moves on. BUTT-HEAD This is dumb, let's find that chick. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh, enough'a this crap. They walk back from where they came. Through the glass wall, we see the two control room technicians heading out. BEAVIS (CONT.) Check it out Butt-Head, TV! BUTT-HEAD Cool! Huh huh huh. INT. HOOVER DAM/HALL OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM DOOR - DUSK SOUND of air compression as this secure door opens. The two technicians walk out. They walk away, not seeing that behind them, B&B approach the control room door. They enter just before the door closes. SOUND of air compression locks. INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK Agent Bork knocks and enters. FLEMMING Talk ta me, Bork. BORK Chief, we found a witness that says he saw two teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived. FLEMMING Did you give him a full cavity search? BORK (confused) Ah, the witness? FLEMMING Yes. You can never be too careful Bork. BORK Well sir, I didn't really think it was necessary. You see we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam. Here, have a look. TIGHT ON PICTURE. A still of B&B laughing on the elevator. BORK (CONT.) They look like a couple of kids chief. FLEMMING Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of? Don't you read the papers? Suddenly the lights blink on and off. All three men look up. INT. HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK We see a bank of TV monitors, video of water, turbines, etc. Beavis is rubbing his butt against a switch on the console, causing the lights to blink on and off. BUTT-HEAD Beavis, huh huh, what'er you doing? BEAVIS My butt's bothering me! BUTT-HEAD You should kick your butt's ass. Huh huh huh. Butt-Head looks at the bank of monitors - all showing water. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) Dammit, all they have is shows about water. BEAVIS That sucks. Heh heh. They need some shows about fire! Change the channel. BUTT-HEAD Uh... Butt-Head starts randomly hitting controls everywhere while Beavis rubs his butt against a computer keypad. TIGHT ON CONTROL: "Main Water Release Valve". Butt-Head turns it. An alarm sounds. BEAVIS Yeah, turn it up! Louder! Heh heh. INT. DAM DOORS - DUSK An alarm sounds. Giant doors open, causing water to start to flood through the gates. INT. HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK Butt-Head presses more buttons. His hand is near the biggest switch for: "Master Station Control". BUTT-HEAD (reads sign) Uh... Mas... Ter... Huh huh. Masturbation, huh huh. Butt-Head throws the switch. Lights go out. SOUND of generators grinding to a halt. INT. HOOVER DAM/MACHINE ROOM - DUSK Machinery stops suddenly and large support beams break. A disaster. INT. HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK SOUND of twisted, grinding metal, loud alarms. BUTT-HEAD Uh... ON ONE OF THE MONITORS, we see a small electrical fire. BEAVIS Yeah, fire! Fire! FIRE!!! EXT. HOOVER DAM - DUSK The lights go out. EXT. VEGAS STRIP - DUSK In succession, one set of lights after another goes out. The famous strip goes dark. INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK The lights go dead. FLEMMING The hell's going on? INT. HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM/VEGAS - DUSK A surgeon just makes an incision as the lights go out. SURGEON Whoooooops. EXT. CAMPGROUND - DUSK Marcy Anderson hammers the last peg in for their tent. Tom checks the stew on the fire and looks around. TOM I'll tell ya, it doesn't get any better than this. This here is God's country. Unspoiled and... A rumbling interrupts him. He and Marcy turn to see: A wall of water, heading for them. TOM (CONT.) Aaaaghhh!!!... They're smashed by the flood. EXT. HOOVER DAM - DUSK Mass chaos. Traffic jams. Honking horns. People shouting. ANGLE ON B&B AND THE SENIORS, about to get on the bus. BUTT-HEAD That was boring. Huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah, it's just the same thing over and over again. BUTT-HEAD Uh... We can't leave Washington 'till we find that chick. MARTHA Oh, we're a long ways from Washington Bob. This is the Hoover Dam. Martha gets on the bus. HOLD ON B&B. BEAVIS Damn! Heh heh hmm heh. They get on the bus. INT. VEGAS HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK Mayhem. People scream in the dark. Some steal chips and run. ANGLE TO SIDE, where Muddy has the Concierge by the neck. CONCIERGE I swear, that's all I know! They got on that tour bus. It was probably heading west. Please... Muddy slams him against the wall and walks away. MUDDY I'm gonna kill 'em! EXT. HOOVER DAM - DUSK The doors close on the tour bus. It pulls out and drives away. EXT. SIDE OF ROAD - DUSK At her car, Dallas watches the bus from a distance, then lays down her binoculars, satisfied. DALLAS You boys better show up. With a look at the Fed car behind her, she gets in her car and drives down a different road. EXT. ROAD - DUSK The bus heads off into the desert. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HOOVER DAM - MORNING Police cars everywhere. Fire engines. Reporters. News helicopters. Disaster. Several A.T.F. cars pull up. Flemming and several of his agents get out and head immediately for the dam. INT. HOOVER DAM/CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING TIGHT ON A TV MONITOR. It shows B&B at the Hoover Dam controls the eve before, shot on surveillance camera. Frame freezes. B&B looking particularly stupid. REVEAL Flemming's there with his agents. Flemming leans forward. FLEMMING You see what I see, Bork? BORK I see it. I don't get it. FLEMMING You got half the state looking for ya - how do you get away? BORK (realizes) Cut the power! FLEMMING Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion, terrorists... What's the scoop on that stolen unit? BORK Well, sir it's not good. (to an assistant) Roll the tape... The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon, a manmade virus... ON MONITOR. The device that was put in back of Beavis' pants. BORK (CONT.) The deadliest known to man. It could wipe out five states in five days. It can be activated by simply entering the right code. Here's what happened when it was tested on a group of Army recruits... ON THE MONITOR. Army recruits coughing up black gunk, rolling around in pain on stretchers, dying. Grotesque (but funny). FLEMMING Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands... BORK It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus. A murmuring through the room. Flemming rises and holds up a picture of B&B. FLEMMING Okay People, as of right now these are the most dangerous men in America. I want these faces in front of every Fed and two- bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit. INT. TOUR BUS - DAY TIGHT ON Beavis' butt, as Butt-head KICKS IT REPEATEDLY. BEAVIS Ow! Cut it out Butt-Head. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh. Get out of the way, Beavis, I wanna sit by the window. Huh huh. BEAVIS Ow! I'll kick your butt! BUTT-HEAD Huh huh. You mean like this? Butt-Head keeps kicking. ANGLE ON THE DRIVER UP FRONT. DRIVER Okay, people, next stop, Grand Canyon. He guns it. EXT. TOUR BUS - DAY It takes off down the road. MONTAGE SONG BEGINS. (Maybe White Zombie doing something like, "Born to Be Wild") INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Grand Canyon. EXT. GRAND CANYON - DAY Gorgeous. Our seniors and others take pictures and stare in awe. Some hold hands. One crosses herself. ANGLE ON B&B, nearby, also staring in awe. REVEAL they're watching a jackass take a dump. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh. BEAVIS The poop's coming out of the ass of the ass. Heh heh heh. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh. It's coming out of the ass, but it's also coming out of the ass of the ass. INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS - DAY TIGHT ON PHOTO OF B&B, going out on the wire. INT. A POLICE STATION - DAY TIGHT ON COP getting the photo off a machine. INT. A POST OFFICE - DAY TIGHT ON B&B's PHOTO as it's pinned to the wall. INT. DRIVING TOUR BUS - DAY PAN across seniors showing off pictures of their grandchildren. Pan stops on B&B showing off the picture of Dallas to a senior. Butt-Head does the "finger-in-hole" fornication gesture as they LAUGH suggestively. EXT. SIDE OF ROAD - DAY Flemming reads a map strewn on his hood. He turns to Bork to give orders. Bork repeats them into his radio. Several cars pull out. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Utah. EXT. SALT LAKE CITY - DAY Martha and the seniors pose in front of a classic Salt Lake City view. A sign nearby reads "Welcome to Salt Lake City." REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, taking their picture. P.O.V. OF CAMERA shows Butt-Head's hand covering half the lens. Framing is crooked and way off. Click and FREEZE. EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAY Middle of nowhere. Confused, Martha is taking a picture. REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, posing by the road sign: Baggs, Wyoming. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. P.O.V. OF CAMERA, showing B&B laughing. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across the map to Wyoming. CROSS-DISSOLVE BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES: EXT. FLAMING GORGE, WYOMING - DAY A classic view of a powerful gorge. REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. Martha and the seniors rush to the windows to stare in awe. EXT. GRAND TETON, WYOMING - DAY A classic view of the huge peaks. REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. More seniors rush to the windows to see. EXT. YELLOWSTONE PARK, WYOMING - DAY A spectacular view of Yellowstone Lake and the Rockies. REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS. Seniors staring in awe. PAN over to another window. B&B press their BARE ASSES against the window. EXT. YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - DAY MONTAGE SONG ENDS. A RANGER/GUIDE stands in front of the seniors talking about the geyser. B&B are towards the front, off to one side. RANGER (a la Carl Sagan) There are over two hundred active geysers in Yellowstone Park alone. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption the water can reach as high as two hundred feet!... BUTT-HEAD So? RANGER (ignoring Butt-Head) It shoots out over twelve thousand gallons of water in a single eruption... BEAVIS That's not that much. BUTT-HEAD Yeah really. Let's get outta here Beavis. Huh huh huh. This sucks. B&B walk off as the flustered ranger leads the seniors to some benches where they wait for the geyser to erupt. EXT. YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - LATER The geyser erupts. The seniors watch in sheer awe. MARTHA It's...incredible...! INT. VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY B&B stare ahead in similar awe. BUTT-HEAD It's incredible!... Huh huh huh. REVEAL they're standing before the urinals. Butt-Head moves to the side, tripping a motion detector which makes the urinal AUTOMATICALLY FLUSH. BEAVIS Whoa! That's amazing! Heh heh heh. They start moving from urinal to urinal, causing all to flush. EXT. OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING AREA - DAY The bus idles. The last senior climbs aboard. The driver looks around impatiently. He checks his watch. DRIVER I can't wait forever. INT. OLD FAITHFUL/RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY The ranger/guide enters and checks off a chart on a bulletin board near B&B's "wanted" photo. Suddenly the guide sees B&B's photo, then, out the window, the bus closing its door and pulling away. RANGER Oh my God! The guide picks up the phone. INT. VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S ROOM - DAY B&B go back and forth, "playing" the urinals, passing hands, heads, whole bodies in front of the motion detectors. B&B Huh huh huh huh. Finally, Butt-Head pauses. BUTT-HEAD This is the coolest thing I have ever seen. EXT. SIDE OF A ROAD - DAY Flemming is on the radio. Bork runs up. BORK Chief, we got 'em! They're on a senior citizens tour bus going east on I-40. EXT. OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING LOT - DAY B&B get on a bus that looks completely different than the tour bus. INT. DIFFERENT BUS - DAY TIGHT ON B&B. Butt-Head looks around. BUTT-HEAD Uh... Is this the right bus? BEAVIS You mean there's mre than one? A WIDER SHOT REVEALS it's a bus full of nuns. B&B look around and see this. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. Hey Beavis. We're on a bus with chicks. BEAVIS Heh hmm heh heh. Butt-Head turns to the nun next to him. BUTT-HEAD Hey, baby. The nun looks disturbed as the bus takes off. EXT. I-40/SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY The tour bus is stopped. Like P.O.W.'s, the seniors stand with hands on heads. Agents search the bus. ANGLE ON LINE OF SENIORS. Flemming walks nearby and is told: BORK They're not on the bus. Flemming looks the seniors over. FLEMMING (re: seniors) These people know something. I want full cavity searches. Everyone. Go deep on 'em. Hurley and two agents grab the nearest senior and drag him away. FLEMMING (CONT.) I tell you Bork, these guys are smart. Damn smart. They're probably a hundred miles away by now. Behind Flemming, an agent waves on traffic including B&B's new bus. As it pulls past, B&B hang B.A.'s. Flemming doesn't see. MONTAGE SONG BEGINS: INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map, pretty much retracing the route B&B took north. Down into Utah. INT. BUS - DAY A nun strums a guitar and sings. Butt-head head-bangs. The nuns around look uneasy. Nearby another nun reads the Bible to Beavis. BEAVIS Hey, Butt-Head, this book kicks ass! There's this talking snake and a naked chick and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong! Heh heh heh. The nun next to Beavis is disgusted. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes down through Colorado. One of the nuns is trying to teach B&B the sign of the cross. Butt-head moves his hand down, up, left and then swings his hand to the far right SMACKING Beavis. INT. ROADSIDE RESTAURANT - DAY Sitting before a long table, the nuns close their eyes and pray, hands clasped together. PAN THE ROW to B&B who's hands are clasped together and interlocked as they do the incredibly juvenile 'peek at the vagina' trick. B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Rancho Taos, New Mexico. EXT. MISSION OF ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI CHURCH - DAY A beautiful old adobe-style church. Nuns exit the bus, excited, followed by B&B who look around. The nuns walk into a visitor center. B&B walk right into the church. INT. CHURCH - DAY In a WIDE SHOT we see B&B walk in, look around and head for the CONFESSION BOOTHS. BEAVIS Check it out Butt-Head, porta-potties. BUTT-HEAD Cool, huh huh. B&B each enter a confession booth on the priest's side. INT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - LATER WIDE EST. SHOT shows that a confessional service has begun. INT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH/CONFESSION BOOTH - DAY We see a man nervously confessing. This seems difficult for him. MAN (about to cry) Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I,...I...I slept with a woman, and... From the priest's side of the confessional we hear Butt-head. The man can't see him. BUTT-HEAD (O.S.) Huh huh huh, really? Was she naked? MAN Well, yes Father. Please forgive me. I... BUTT-HEAD (O.S.) Cool, huh huh huh. Could you like, see her boobs? ANGLE INSIDE ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL MAN #2 (confused) How many Hail Marys? BEAVIS (O.S.) A thousand! Yeah, heh heh hmm. And I want you to hit yourself. Right now! MAN #2 Now?! BEAVIS (O.S.) Yeah! Heh heh hmm heh. DO IT! From outside the confession booth, we hear the sound of a SMACK. BEAVIS (O.S./CONT.) Harder! Heh heh. Again! Heh heh. You need to straighten up! EXT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - DAY As B&B board the bus they are STRUCK BY LIGHTNING. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes further down into Arizona. EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY This establishes. INT. PETRIFIED FORESTS VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY B&B stare at an exhibit, riveted. The nuns watch them. A recording plays. RECORDING (V.O.) Welcome to the Petrified Forest. The world's largest site of petrified wood. B&B Huh huh huh huh wood. The Mother Superior makes a signal the other nuns were waiting for. They all rush back to the bus, leaving B&B behind. RECORDING (V.O.) You may wonder, how can wood get so hard? B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. Through the window, we see the bus drive away. ANGLE ON AN OLD RANGER behind a counter, looking at B&B. He sees their A.T.F. photo nearby and reaches for a phone. EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY MONTAGE SONG ENDS. B&B step outside. Nearby, a tourist car pulls up. BEAVIS Hey, where'd those chicks go? BUTT-HEAD Uh... I think you scared them off. BEAVIS This sucks. What are we doing here? Weren't we suppost'a go to Washington and score or something? From the car, a tourist couple heads into the building. BUTT-HEAD (to couple) Uh, do you know where Washington is? TOURIST MAN Yeah, 'bout 2000 miles that way. He points to the desert, then continues into the building. BUTT-HEAD Cool. Huh huh huh. B&B walk off into the desert. EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST TOURIST CENTER - LATER The place is crawling with A.T.F. Flemming walks out with Bork and the OLD RANGER. FLEMMING Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried to stop them? OLD RANGER The most dangerous guys in America? Not me, Sonny. I make nine dollars an hour. FLEMMING National security is the responsibility of every American. Bork... BORK Cavity search...? FLEMMING Deep and hard. Agents lead the old Ranger away. FLEMMING (CONT.) They're not gonna get away this time. I want roadblocks. Every road outta here for two hundred miles. EXT. ROAD - DAY IN MONTAGE SHOTS: A.T.F. agents put up roadblocks. Agents load guns. Agents pile up sandbags and prepare for battle. EXT. DESERT - DAY WIDE SHOT. A wasteland. Scorching desert hear. B&B, small in frame, look lost. They're parched, weak. BEAVIS This sucks. It's all hot and stuff. BUTT-HEAD This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here. BEAVIS Yeah or like a Seven-Eleven or something... Are we almost there? BUTT-HEAD Uh, probably like, another five minutes or something. ANGLE FROM OVERHEAD. Lost, alone, B&B wobble like they haven't long to live. Overhead, vultures circle. ANGLE ON B&B, exhausted, spent. Staring ahead, Butt-Head suddenly sees something. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) Whoa! Check it out! Beavis clears his eyes and sees it too. B&B Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh. Excited, saved, they rush weakly forward. B&B'S P.O.V. REVEALS they rush to: A GIANT BIG SCREEN TV. BEAVIS Turn it on! Turn it on! As they get closer it disappears - just a mirage. BUTT-HEAD Uh... BEAVIS Dammit!!!! Dammit!!!! ANGLE ON SUN, brightening. The FRAME WHITES OUT. EXT. ROADBLOCK - DAY Cars are backed up into the horizon. The car up front is waved on. Up next: Tom and Marcy. An agent steps over and shows the picture of B&B. TOM Something wrong, Officer? AGENT Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives. ANDERSON SQUINTS to see. HIS P.O.V. REVEALS the photo out of focus. ANDERSON Why I'll be danged. It's those boys been whackin' off in my camper... AGENT You saw these two? ANDERSON I sure did. They were whackin' off in my tool shed. Then whackin' off in my camper. I never seen so much whackin' off. The agent steps back and shouts into his walkie-talkie: AGENT Blue Den this is post nine! I have positive ID!! (to Tom) Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle. ANDERSON Well you see, me and the missus are on our way to Washington. We got this schedule... The agent pulls his gun and orders: AGENT Now!!!! EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY/JUST OFF ROADBLOCK - DAY A BIT LATER. Agents swarm over Tom's camper, turning everything upside, pulling out dishes, trashing everything. TOM (furious) Now wait right there. You're dealing with a veteran of two foreign wars. They're the ones been whacking off. If I find anything broken in there, you and I are gonna tangle! An A.T.F. agent smashes the micro on the ground and sifts through the pieces. Nearby, Flemming and Hurley watch. FLEMMING (appalled) Masturbating in a man's camper! We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around. SNAP! SFX as Agent Hurley puts on her rubber gloves and leads Tom and Marcy away. Agent Bork runs up to Flemming. BORK Chief - just came in! Two days ago, Express Airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself - Cornholio. Guess who matches the description? He holds up a police sketch of Cornholio. Flemming walks to a nearby chopper. SOUND of engine revving. Others follow. FLEMMING Finally, a real break. Get me that flight's point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass. EXT. DESERT - DAY B&B walk along in the scorching heat. Ahead of them they see a DUMB GUY and a DUMBER GUY with motorcycles parked. They are trying to start a camp fire, LAUGHING. DUMB GUY (to B&B) Uh, hey. One of you kids got a match? BUTT-HEAD (dehydrated) Uh, my butt and your...uh, butt. INT. B&B'S HOME - DAY Peaceful. Empty. Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents break in, guns ready, searching every corner. They tear it apart. EXT. B&B'S TOWN/STREETS - DAY Agents rush down the business streets. People are in a panic. It's like an invasion. ANGLE ON ELITE MOTOR LODGE - ON B&B'S TV SET as agents rush by, knocking it over with a crash. INT. VAN DRIESSEN'S CLASS - DAY Guitar in hand, Van Driessen sings: VAN DRIESSEN She flies so gracefully, over rocks, trees and sand. Soaring over cliffs and gently floating down to land. She proudly lifts her voice to sound her mating call. And soon her mate responds by singing... "Caw, Caw, Caw." Come with me, Lesbian Seagull. Settle down and rest with me... Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents crash into the room. The door bashes in, knocking Van Driessen down hard and crushing his guitar. Flemming enters. Behind him, McVicker. McVICKER Uh...uh...uh that's him. He's their teacher. VAN DRIESSEN What's going on here? FLEMMING I'll ask the questions. Are these your students? He shows a picture of B&B. VAN DRIESSEN I assume you're a government agent. I would think you would know there's something in this country called due process. FLEMMING That's about the kind of talk I'd expect from the guy who taught these two. Take this scum away. VAN DRIESSEN I believe I'm supposed to be read my Miranda Rights... An agent interrupts, punching Van Driessen in the gut. He's taken away. Flemming turns menacingly to McVicker. McVICKER I...I...I always knew they were no good. I... I... I hate them! FLEMMING (to McVicker) You've been harboring two criminal masterminds! Bork rushes up to Flemming with a paper. BORK Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in? FLEMMING (appalled) Bork! You are a federal agent. You represent the United States Government... Never end a sentence with a preposition. Try again. BORK Oh, ah... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean that guy off in whose camper they were whacking? FLEMMING That's better. Yes? BORK We've run a sample through the National Criminal Sperm Bank and come up with two possible genetic matches for a father. (holds up photos) TIGHT ON PHOTO. It's the DUMB GUY and DUMBER GUY from the desert. BORK (O.S./CONT.) Former Motley Crue members turned drifters. Flemming takes the paper and marches off. Others follow. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. DESERT - NIGHT B&B and the Dumn abd Dumber Guys are sitting around a campfire. The Dumb Guy looks like an older, more stupid, version of Butt- Head. The Dumber Guy is a couple of evolutionary scales down from Beavis. Their relationship is an exaggerated version of B&B's. Butt-Head is staring at the Dumb Guy in admiration. Beavis, like the Dumber Guy, appears to be just staring at the fire, hypnotized. Dumb Guy is eating spaghetti out of a can. BUTT-HEAD You were a roadie for Motley Crue? DUMB GUY (mouth full) Yup. Huh huh. BEAVIS Fire. DUMB GUY Here's another true story. About fifteen years ago, we stopped in this, uh, toilet, called Highland... BUTT-HEAD Really? That's where we're from. DUMB GUY Well, then you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, here's the story. I scored with these two chicks. True story. BUTT-HEAD You scored with two chicks?! DUMB GUY (spaghetti dribbling from mouth) Yeah, they were sluts. Huh huh huh. DUMBER GUY Ih hih hih hih hih hih. Dumb Guy punches Dumber Guy in the head with a closed fist. DUMB GUY Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score. I scored with both of them... BUTT-HEAD Uh, do you think these two sluts still live in Highland? That would be cool. DUMB GUY (after taking another big bite) Hey, you wanna see something really cool? Huh huh huh. Dumb Guy gets up, turns his butt towards the fire and starts to drop his pants. EXT. DESERT/LONG SHOT - CONTINUOUS The campfire is in the distance, middle of nowhere. A flatulant sound is heard. Suddenly, a big beautiful purple and orange fireball erupts, lighting up the sky. B&B/DUMB GUY/DUMBER GUY (O.S.) Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. BEAVIS (O.S.) Fire. EXT. DESERT - MORNING B&B wake up. The Dumb Guy and Dumber Guy are gone. The sun is scorching. B&B inch forward - spent, dehydrated, near death. ANGLE ON GROUND as B&B collapse into frame. Butt-Head looks up at the sun, squinting. BUTT-HEAD (barely alive) The sun sucks. A vulture picks at Beavis' shirt. Beavis SMACKS the vulture. BEAVIS (to the vulture) Cut it out butt-hole! The vulture moves revealing a PEYOTE CACTUS. Beavis looks at it. BEAVIS (CONT.) Hey Butt-Head, isn't there supposed to be like, water in cactuses? BUTT-HEAD (semiconscious) Uh... Beavis takes a bite of the cactus, chews and then coughs. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) (sees something) Hey Beavis, check it out. IN FRONT OF B&B: Two vultures start humping. B&B (struggling to laugh) Huh huh huh (cough) huh huh (cough). EXT. ROADBLOCK - DAY START ON SUN - over B&B? REVEAL it's over Muddy who looks at a picture of B&B held by an A.T.F. agent. MUDDY No, I can't say I've seen 'em. I sure hope it's safe to drive around here. COP Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main roads. If they're around, they're probably hiding out in the desert. MUDDY That's good to know, Officer. Muddy takes off with a smile and turns off onto a side road. EXT. DESERT - LATER B&B barely crawling forward. Butt-Head stops, then Beavis. They're barely able to talk. BEAVIS Hey Butt-Head, are we gonna die? BUTT-HEAD Uh, probably, huh huh...Whoa, I think my life is like, flashing in front of my eyes! BUTT-HEAD'S VISION. Through time-lapse dissolves we see him sitting on his couch with Beavis, laughing like an idiot in the exact same positions at age 2, 5, 7, 10, 13. BUTT-HEAD Whoa, my life is cool! TIGHT ON BEAVIS: BEAVIS Uh... I think I'm seeing something too. It's like a really long time ago... BEAVIS' VISION: Beavis as a sperm cell swimming through a uterus. It's a sperm cell with the face of Beavis on it. BEAVIS/SPERM Yeah, heh heh. This is gonna be cool. Beavis/Sperm swims over to the egg. With its own tail the Beavis/Sperm starts picking its nose. BEAVIS/SPERM (CONT.) Hey, how's it goin'? Heh heh heh. Several other sperm charge in, knocking Beavis into the egg. His conception looks like a dumb accident. BACK ON BEAVIS: BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh I scored. Animated bubbles appear around Beavis' head. BEAVIS (CONT.) Hey Butt-Head, I'm starting to feel weird. I think I'm freaking out. BUTT-HEAD Huh? Huh huh. BEAVIS Whoa, this is cool! Heh heh. It's like, everything looks all weird and... BEAVIS' P.O.V. OF BUTT-HEAD: His face starts to warp and colors start shifting. BEAVIS (CONT.) ...and... Whoa!...and it's like there's all these weird shapes and it's sort of like,...it's like...like a MUSIC VIDEO!!! Tight on Beavis' face staring in wonder. THIS IS WHERE THE MUSIC VIDEO/HALLUCINATION SEQUENCE BEGINS. It could even be so shameless as to actually have a chyron in the lower left hand corner. I would like to have a band (White Zombie?) do a version of something like, "Fire," by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. This is the song that begins, "I am God of Hellfire and I bring you... fire!" The concept of this will depend somewhat on which band we get, but I would like to see it get pretty wild and surreal. (If it's White Zombie, we could incorporate some of Rob Zombie's artwork.) BEAVIS' P.O.V.: We see the sun above the horizon turn into a giant ball of fire. The ball of fire develops a face and speaks. FIRE I am God of Hellfire and I bring you...(music begins) Fire... BEAVIS Whoa!!! This kicks ass!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST VIDEO BEAVIS HAS EVER SEEN. Out of the ball of fire steps a beautiful woman in a bikini. At first the video is mostly the God of Hellfire, chicks in bikinis and various images of B&B's TV in all its glory. As the video/hallucination continues, it becomes a psychotic mass of naked people, fire, TVs, vultures, B&B head-banging, weird stuff from my high school notebooks, etc. At one point we see the God of Hellfire in a Burger World uniform. As the song winds down, we incorporate Muddy's car into the surreal imagery. (We should also incorporate their TV, as well as maybe some of the characters from the show that aren't in the movie.) Then, we REVEAL Muddy's car actually pulling up to B&B's near-dead bodies. The SONG ENDS as Muddy tosses water on B&B. REVEAL they were not far from the side of a road all along. B&B Ahhhhghhhhgh! B&B snap out of it. They rise and find Muddy hovering over them with a shotgun. BEAVIS Aagh! I'm all wet!...(realizing) Oh, cool. Heh heh heh. Water. Muddy aims his shotgun at B&B. MUDDY Ah'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words b'fore ah kill ya? B&B think. BUTT-HEAD Uh... Huh huh. I have a couple. Butt cheeks, huh huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah! Boobs. Heh heh. I just wanna say that again. Boobs. Heh heh. MUDDY Ah'm gonna blow you both to hell! BUTT-HEAD Cool, huh huh. (realizing) Hey Beavis that's that dude that's paying us to do his wife. BEAVIS Oh yeah. Can you just take us to Washington? We're gonna meet her there and, you know, heh heh hmmm... MUDDY Washington! That's where she was gonna meet up with ya? (realizes) Damn, she's goin' all the way! B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. Muddy lowers the gun a bit. MUDDY You know, I just might need you after all. Aw right, in the trunk. You're gonna help me get mah unit back. Muddy pops it open. B&B climb in. Muddy closes the trunk on them and walks to the front of the car. HOLD ON THE TRUNK. BUTT-HEAD (O.S.) Boy, it sure is hard to score. Huh huh huh. Muddy peels out. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY A MONTAGE SONG BEGINS. Muddy drives by. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Santa Fe. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Muddy's car drives by. Muddy hears B&B laugh from inside the trunk and turns up the radio to drown it out. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Oklahoma City. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. GAS STATION - DAY Muddy pumps gas. From inside the trunk: BEAVIS (O.C.) Hey Butt-Head, look. A jack. Heh heh. BUTT-HEAD (O.C.) Huh huh. Jack. Huh huh. INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Little Rock, Nashville and into Virginia up Rt. 81. EXT. MUDDY'S CAR DRIVING ON HIGHWAY - DAY ANGLE OUTSIDE MUDDY'S TRUNK. From within we hear: BUTT-HEAD (O.C.) Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking off! B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. Pumping up the jack, they cause the lid of the trunk to start to bend. Suddenly, it pops open. B&B are a sweaty mess. They gasp. BUTT-HEAD This sucks. Let's get outta here. They look out. The road behind them races past at 80 mph. Beavis stares dumbly. BEAVIS Uh, you first. BUTT-HEAD C'mon, Beavis, just start running really fast when you hit the ground. It'll work. BEAVIS Okay. I'll go right after you. Butt-Head shoves Beavis out of the car. BEAVIS (CONT.) Ahhhhghghhghghgh! Beavis tries to run, but hits the road and flips over and over - and smashes his butt. BEAVIS (CONT.) Owwwwww, my butt!!!!!! His body stops in the middle of the road. A huge truck, about to hit him, swerves and jackknifes over the side. Behind the truck, several cars screech to a halt, one smashing into the other. ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TRUNK Butt-Head looks at the road. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh huh huh. That was cool. ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TIRE. It hits a pothole. ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, shooting out of the trunk, he grabs onto the lid. He bounces against the road again and again. Finally, he loses his grip as the lid to the trunk closes. ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, rolling along the highway. A car, about to hit Butt-Head, screeches to a halt. Other cars behind it smash and pile up. ANGLE ON ROAD SOME WAYS BACK. On Tom and Marcy in their car. TOM Boy, what I wouldn't give for five minutes alone with them two little bastards... The car ahead of Tom crashes into the car ahead of that. Tom crashes into it. And the car behind crashes into Tom. OVERHEAD ANGLE shows cars and trucks behind, crashing, piling up. A massive pile-up. INT. MUDDY'S CAR - DAY Muddy doesn't notice the mess behind him. He drives on. MONTAGE SONG ENDS EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY LATER. ON MEDIVAC helicopters; one landing, another taking off. MOVE TO WOMAN TV REPORTER, talking to camera: REPORTER Authorities are calling this the worst highway disaster in the nation's history... INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DAY Flemming, Bork, and about six other agents look at a map. Behind them, a TV is on with the reporter continuing. Behind the reporter, B&B poke their heads into frame at 45 degree angles, looking like deer in the headlights. REPORTER (CONT.) ... Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay wrecked or stuck. No one knows what caused it, but police have not ruled out the possibility of terrorists. Bork notices B&B on TV and taps Flemming on the shoulder. Flemming looks. FLEMMING Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher. BORK (despairing) Where did these guys come from? Flemming looks at the big map which traces sightings of B&B across America. FLEMMING The question is, where are they going. He looks again at the TV. On the news, a story about... REPORTER 2 ...set for 5:00 tomorrow when representatives from around the world will meet in Washington for the first such peace conference... Flemming looks back at the map, and then back at the TV. FLEMMING What the hell...? Bork! That bus we picked up. Where was it headin'? BORK (checks papers) D.C., Chief. FLEMMING (realizing) Jesus jumped-up... Bork, can you imagine what would happen if they set that thing off in our nation's capital, or even worse, if they sold it to some damned foreigner at that conference. (rises and puts his fist down) Well, it's not gonna happen! EXT. HIGHWAY/CRASH SITE - DAY B&B walk along looking at the wreckage. BUTT-HEAD Whoa, this kicks ass! Huh huh huh. MARTHA (O.S.) Yoo-hoo! Travis and Bob Head. Whoo-hoo! The tour bus stands nearby. Martha calls from the window. BEAVIS Hey Butt-Head it's that chick! BUTT-HEAD Uh, oh yeah. Cool. They can take us to Washington and we can finally score. B&B head into the bus. BEAVIS Yeah, heh heh. Umm, isn't Seattle in Washington? Heh heh... 'cuz I was thinking maybe we could go see Hole. BUTT-HEAD Yeah. We can go see Hole and then we can get some hole. Huh huh huh huh. INSERT: MAP. The RED LINE snakes right up to D.C. INT/EXT. TOUR BUS - DAY INTERCUT BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES: ANGLE ON THE LINCOLN MONUMENT. ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. Several seniors press their faces to see. ANGLE ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. More seniors rush to the window to see. ANGLE ON THE CAPITOL BUILDING. ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. B&B press their bare asses. EXT. CAPITOL - DAY The seniors and B&B get off the bus. As soon as they're out of sight, Dallas drives up and sees the Tour Bus. She smiles to herself. INT. CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY Dark. Isolated. Dallas pulls up and gets out of her car. Suddenly, a voice: VOICE/MUDDY 'Spectin' someone? Dallas wheels around. Muddy's got a gun on her. MUDDY (CONT.) Well, well. Look at this. The love of my life. Where have you been? Muddy moves towards Dallas. She steps back. DALLAS Honey, I was gonna split it with you after I sold it, right down the middle. I swear. I just... MUDDY Sure you were. But now you don't have to go through all that bother. Dallas moves seductively towards Muddy. DALLAS Come on Muddy. Whatd'ya say we just forget about it and go get a room like old times... Muddy cocks his gun. MUDDY I don't think so. Where is it? INT. CAPITOL - DAY B&B walk up to the information booth where a HOST makes an announcement. HOST (announces) All Senators are requested for a vote. All Senators are requested for a vote. A bell accompanies this announcement. HOST (CONT.) (to B&B) Can I help you? BEAVIS Yeah, we're looking for Washington. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh. We're gonna meet this chick with really big hooters. HOST Sirs, you are in Washington. BEAVIS Well where is she?! BUTT-HEAD Could you, like, tell her we're ready to score? HOST No! Just a moment... She turns to the side to answer the phone. INT. CAPITOL/PRIVATE PANEL ROOM - DAY Six Senators sit behind a panel. BOB PACKWOOD testifies across from them. SENATOR Thank you for returning, Senator Packwood, to help us understand how sexual harassment happens in this sacred institution. Suddenly, SOUND OF BUTT-HEAD over the PA. BUTT-HEAD (V.O.) Uh... Attention, attention! We're looking for that chick with the big boobs. BEAVIS (V.O.) Heh heh. We wanna do her now! HOST (V.O.) Hey! Gimme tha... B&B (V.O.) Huh huh huh huh huh. ANGLE ON PACKWOOD - smiles. PACKWOOD Huh huh huh huh huh. INT. CAPITOL/SENATE - DAY Classic wide, overhead shot. SOUND of all Senators. SENATORS Huh huh huh huh huh. INT. CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY Muddy finishes tying Dallas' hands behind her back. He crosses to his trunk. MUDDY You forgot who yer dealin' with, Honey. Ya see, I got your mules right here in my trunk and... Muddy pops the trunk. It's empty. MUDDY (CONT.) Say what?... I'm gonna kill 'em!!! DALLAS No honey we're gonna kill 'em. Dallas, still tied up, starts kissing Muddy. He gives in. EXT. CAPITOL - DAY ANGLE ON B&B getting on the bus last. INT. TOUR BUS - DAY Butt-Head sits. Beavis pauses, still standing. BEAVIS Hey wait a minute. What's going on? Why are we getting back on the bus? OLD GUY It's time to go son. BEAVIS We can't leave! We never met that chick! Dammit!!! We were supposed to get some! BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. Settle down Beavis. BEAVIS Oh yeah,...I mean no. NO! I won't settle down! Not this time!... Beavis is shaking, fed up. He delivers the speech of his life. BEAVIS (CONT.) Dammit, this always happens! I think I'm gonna score and then I never score! It's not fair! We've traveled a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score, but now it's not gonna happen! BUS DRIVER (yelling from his seat) Hey buddy, sit down! Now! BEAVIS SHUT UP! (continuing) I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score! It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people, but they've probably scored! BUS DRIVER (standing) Hey! I'm warning you! Sit down! BEAVIS It's like this chick's a slut (motioning to Martha)... and look at this guy!... He's old but he's probably scored a million times! OLD GUY (nods in agreement) Ohh yeah. BEAVIS But not us! We're never gonna score! WE'RE NEVER GONNA SCORE!!! AAGGHHHH!!! The bus driver tackles Beavis. INT. CAPITOL/PARKING GARAGE/MUDDY'S CAR - DAY In a tight shot, we see Muddy and Dallas humping away in the back seat (in a PG-13 kind of way). We hear the sound of a door opening. ANGLE ON FLEMMING, BORK AND SEVERAL AGENTS LOOKING DOWN. FLEMMING Well look what we have here. You two make me sick... Book 'em Bork. DALLAS You don't have anything on us and you know it. FLEMMING Oh I don't huh? How about lewd conduct? Maybe indecent exposure?... Here's what's gonna happen. One of you's gonna make a deal and get me the unit. The other can spend the next sixty years in jail. MUDDY There you're wrong, boy. Me and mah wife are back together and you'll never... DALLAS He stole the unit. Said he put it in some kid's pants. MUDDY Why you damn little... He's cuffed and dragged away. INT. TOUR BUS - DAY The driver sits down and drives on. Beavis is slightly beat up. Martha reaches into her purse, filled with prescription medications. MARTHA Now Travis, it doesn't do a body good to get all worked up. Here. This should help you relax. She holds up a box of NoDrowz and squints at the label. MARTHA Does that say Xanax? BEAVIS Um, um, yeah, probably. Heh heh. Beavis takes a couple, then starts wolfing down the whole box. INT. FLEMMING'S CAR - DAY Flemming's on the radio. Bork checks a tour guide. FLEMMING (to radio) Okay, boys and girls, our suspects are on a tour bus we believe to be headed for... (checks papers) the White House! Jumpin' Jesus! I want everyone there. Our people. Locals. Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat! Shoot to kill! BORK Chief, I swear, we tore that bus apart. They couldn't have... FLEMMING Bork, when this is all over, remind me to make you an appointment with Agent Hurley. EXT. STREETS OF WASHINGTON - DAY All manner of police, A.T.F., F.B.I. cars speed along. EXT. WHITE HOUSE/TOURIST PARKING LOT - DAY B&B and the seniors walk from the bus to the White House. Beavis is starting to shake as he finishes off the NoDrowz. NEARBY, Anderson's camper pulls up. INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY The seniors and B&B are being led on a tour. B&B in back. Beavis is starting to SHAKE AND MAKE STRANGE NOISES. As the tour moves on, Beavis stays behind. He goes over to a coffee-serving cart sitting outside a meeting room. He starts WOLFING DOWN SUGAR CUBES. BACK ON THE TOUR: The tour is led by a smiling guide, SANDY. SANDY Welcome to the White House. My name is Sandy, and I'll be your tour guide. In case you don't know it, you've come on a very special day. Today... She points to the camera crews outside the window. EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - DAY ON A NEWS REPORTER, facing camera. Behind her, a large gathering before a stage. REPORTER Today, representatives from around the world are gathered at the White House for an historic global conference called: Give Peace A Chance - or G-PAC. EXT. WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE - DAY A.T.F., Police and F.B.I. cars arrive. INT. WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY The tour stands in the East Room. SANDY This is the East Room. Many of the portraits you see were saved from the fire set by the British in 1814... Beavis is shaking, babbling, staring at his fist, etc. BEAVIS Heh heh. Fire. Heh heh Aaaaeeehhhhg!!! BUTT-HEAD What's your problem Beavis? SANDY ...The site for the White House was chosen by President Washington and Pierre L'Enfant... Beavis now has his T-shirt pulled over his head and is pacing around and babbling. He's too loud now for Sandy to ignore. BEAVIS L'enfentatta tiitatta for my bunghole! SANDY Sir, are you okay? BEAVIS Are you threatening me?! I am Cornholio! SANDY Sir, maybe you should wait out in the lobby. Beavis/Cornholio wanders off, muttering. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO In thees lobby, wheel there be T.P.? EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY ON FLEMMING AND THE HEAD SECRET SERVICE GUY - arguing. FLEMMING You don't understand. National security is at stake here. We must evacuate. SECRET SERVICE GUY Not without proper authorization. INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY A group of foreign dignitaries is being led through the hallway on a tour. Two of them chat in Spanish. We see Beavis coming down the hall in the opposite direction. DIGNITARY #1 El Presidente es un gringo muy gordo, no? DIGNITARY #2 Si. They pass Beavis babbling - riffing off their Spanish. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Gr-r-ringo! Burrito! R-r-anddatattta!! Beavis turns around and stops. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.) I am Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole! Heh heh heh. The group continues down the hall, ignoring Beavis. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.) (humble) Would you like to see my bunghole? Beavis leaves. INT. WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY Tom and Marcy Anderson gaze at a portrait of Eisenhower. TOM (sotto) Where are ya when we need ya Ike... (to Marcy) I tell ya what, Honey, with all we been through, it don't change a thing. I said it before and I'll say it again. This is the greatest country on earth... Beavis/Cornholio wanders by behind them. Tom turns to look. TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see Beavis/Cornholio wander down the hall BABBLING. TOM (adjusting his glasses) Say, that looks like... Nah, it couldn't be. INT. WHITE HOUSE/ANOTHER PART OF THE HALLWAY - DAY Beavis comes around a corner and stops at a portrait of Nixon. ANGLE ON PORTRAIT. Nixon doing classic victory pose - peace signs with both hands up. ANGLE ON BEAVIS. His hands also up in the Cornholio pose. He stares for a beat, then: BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Are you threatening me?!... I am Cornholio! Beavis wanders off. INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY The press secretary is giving a conference. The room is packed with reporters. PRESS SECRETARY Yes, the president does plan to speak today at the G-PAC conference. REPORTERS (raising hands) Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary! What about the rumors that a biological weapon has been stolen and smuggled out of the country at this conference. Mr. Secretary! SECRETARY Those rumors are entirely unfounded... While this goes on: Through a doorway in the back of the room, we see Beavis wander out of frame and then come back in. He starts WOLFING DOWN MORE SUGAR CUBES from a coffee serving cart. BEAVIS I am the great Cornholio. I am a gringo... EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY IN MONTAGE SHOTS: A.T.F. and Secret Service agents argue. Several S.W.A.T. trucks pull up. S.W.A.T. team guys jump out of trucks and load guns. INT. WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY The tour stands in a giant, elegant dining room. SANDY This is the State Dining Room where the most powerful world leaders are entertained. BUTT-HEAD Uh, where's the TV? Huh huh huh. Hey Beavis,... Beavis? Butt-Head wanders off. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) This house sucks. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF OVAL OFFICE - DAY A Secret Service guard is talking on radio/phone. GUARD Evacuation?... Probably just another bomb threat or something... OK. The guard walks off down the hallway, leaving his post. From the other end of the hallway we see Beavis/Cornholio enter, still babbling. INT. WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY Beavis wanders in and finds no one around. He shouts in frustration. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO I am the great Cornholio! Heh heh. You will cooperate with my bunghole! He picks up the red phone and presses the button again and again. INT. STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY The war room. A LIEUTENANT picks up the red phone. A TITLE COMES UP: STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND. LIEUTENANT Yes, Mr. President. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (on phone) I am Meester President! I have no bunghole! I am Cornholio! LIEUTENANT Mr. President, I can't make out what you're saying. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (on phone) Bungholio! Presidente! I need teepee! A GENERAL comes by. LIEUTENANT (to general) Sir, the President sounds strange. Something's going on. I don't think it's a drill. GENERAL Washington may be under attack. Go to Defcon 4. ANGLE ON LIEUTENANT'S HAND, moving to push a button. Alarms sound. ANGLE ON BIG MAP. A sign flashes: DEFCON 4. Soldiers run through frame. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY The seniors, along with other tourists and dignitaries are escorted out of the building. INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR - DAY A.T.F. agents rush by. We HOLD here after they go. Butt-Head walks by, unaware. Butt-Head walks around and opens a door. The door to CHELSEA CLINTON'S room. Inside, she's folding clothes. (NOTE: If Clinton is not reelected, the shot will be wider, revealing she's packing a suitcase) BUTT-HEAD (excited) Whoa! Huh huh uh,... (suave) Hey, baby. Huh huh, I noticed you have braces. So do I, huh huh. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY We HOLD ON A WIDE SHOT of the back of the White House for a beat. Then: We see Butt-Head come CRASHING out of a second-story window - thrown by Chelsea. He lands deep in the bushes below. ANGLE ON the bushes. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. That was cool. We see Butt-Head slowly emerge from the bushes. He looks up, suddenly seeing: DOZENS OF A.T.F. AGENTS surround him, rifles trained. BUTT-HEAD (awestruck) This is the coolest thing I have ever seen. Flemming steps up. FLEMMING Alright, where's the unit? BUTT-HEAD Uh, in my pants? Bork and others quickly frisk Butt-head. BORK Not on him, Chief. FLEMMING Agent Hurley... Hurley steps forward. FLEMMING (CONT.) ... I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter. Don't stop 'till you reach the back of his teeth. Butt-Head is led away. INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY Beavis is on the red phone. He goes through the President's drawers. LIEUTENANT (on phone) Mr. President, the bombers are scrambled. Sir, we're awaiting your final orders. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO I order you to surrender your T.P.! INT. STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY The General grabs the phone from the Lieutenant. GENERAL Gimme that! (to phone) Mr. President, in the name of all that is holy, I must have those launch codes! BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (on phone) Are you threatening me? Bungholio! Click. Beavis hangs up. INT. WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY Beavis walks out of the Oval Office. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Presidente Bungholio! You will cooperate with my bunghole! INT. A.T.F. VAN - DAY Hurley steps out of a van to speak with Flemming and Bork. She pulls off a LONG GLOVE that goes almost to her shoulder. Butt-Head sits, disheveled. BUTT-HEAD Uh, huh huh, did I just score? HURLEY He's clean, chief. FLEMMING The other guy must have it. He's gotta be in here somewhere. (re: Butt-Head) Bring him. Flemming, Bork and the other agents take off. INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY In the main reception area, Beavis is surrounded by a few FOREIGN DIGNITARIES who try to make sense of what he is saying. DIGNITARY #1 Que es un "bunghole"? Que lengua es? Arabigo? DIGNITARY #2 De donde eres tu? BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Arabigo? I am the Great Cornholio. I have no bunghole. Where I come from there is no T.P. A White House representative comes up. He assumes Beavis is with the dignitaries. REPRESENTATIVE I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience gentlemen, but we're going to have outside for a moment. Follow me please. He leads them out, including Beavis who continues to babble. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO You can run but you cannot hide from the Almighty Bunghole! Heh heh hmm. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY Beavis/Cornholio and the dignitaries are escorted out. Beavis, unnoticed, keeps walking. Beavis, walking along stops. He sees something. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Aaaaahh... ON BEAVIS' P.O.V. across the street, we see what Beavis is looking at: ANDERSON'S CAMPER. ANGLE ON BEAVIS. He takes the picture of Dallas out of his pocket. TIGHT ON the picture of Dallas. TIGHT ON Anderson's camper. TIGHT ON Beavis. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.) Aaaahh, heh heh... Beavis looks alternately at the camper and the picture a couple of times, and then walks across the street. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.) Booiiing! Ptang ptang! Wagh-hah!!! Beavis goes into Anderson's camper and shuts the door. A Secret Service agent walks by, just missing Beavis. INT. WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY Tom and Marcy enjoying a moment. TOM Boy I tell ya what, it really makes ya proud. I could stay here all day. An A.T.F. agent comes up and interrupts Tom. AGENT Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave... TOM Now wait just a minute... AGENT Now! NEARBY, Flemming and Bork are showing the police sketch of Cornholio to Sandy and questioning her. Bork sees Anderson walk by from a distance. BORK Say chief, isn't that guy whose camper,...I mean, off in whose... FLEMMING (irritated) Not now Bork. EXT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY From inside the camper we hear THE STRANGEST CORNHOLIO SOUNDS YET. ANGLE ON the front of the camper. Tom and Marcy walk up. TOM I tell ya what honey, this country's goin' to Hell in a handbasket. They get in the front. Tom adjusts the side-view mirror. TOM (CONT.) I'm gonna go over right now and talk to my Congressman about this... TOM'S P.O.V.: In the side-view mirror we see the camper SHAKING and hear Beavis/Cornholio. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (O.S.) Ooooaaaaaghhh!!! Whack-awhack-aaaaghh!!! TOM What the hell?...Wait here a minute... Tom gets out and goes into the camper. HOLD ON THE CAMPER DOOR. Tom throws Beavis/Cornholio out the door. Beavis is in his underwear with his T-shirt still pulled over his head. TOM (CONT.) And if I ever catch ya whackin' in here again I'm gonna hog-tie ya! (to himself) Now I gotta straighten up in here. Tom goes back in the camper. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO You have offended my bunghole! EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY Bork reports to Flemming. Butt-Head is held by two agents. BORK We just cleared all four floors. No sign of him. FLEMMING Damn! Where the hell is he? We should've found him by now. Bork sees something. It's Beavis, about a hundred yards away. BORK Chief, look! FLEMMING (picks up radio) Attention all units. We've got him. He's in front of a camper in the visitor's lot. EXT. OUTSIDE ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY Beavis stands, T-shirt still over his head. Suddenly, dozens of agents surround him, pointing guns at him. Beavis seems oblivious to the danger. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO I am the great Cornholio! I will lay waste to your bunghole! Heh heh. BEHIND THE AGENTS, Flemming approaches and gives orders. FLEMMING OK, nobody shoot. He could still have the unit on him. Keep your distance. We don't wanna take a chance on hitting it. BORK Where are his pants? FLEMMING Who knows? Beavis reaches to scratch his butt. Agents step back, cautious. Flemming picks up a bullhorn and addresses Beavis. FLEMMING (CONT.) This is Agent Flemming, A.T.F.. We won't hurt you. We just want the unit. Tell us where the unit is. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Do you have T.P.? T.P. for my bunghole? FLEMMING We'll get you whatever you want. (to agents) Get that other kid. We might need him. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Do you have any oleo? Heh heh. BORK (on a radio) This is Bork. We need some T.P. and some...(to Flemming) What's he say? ANGLE BEHIND AGENTS. Butt-Head is brought in by two agents. BUTT-HEAD Whoa, this rules! Can I have a gun too? Huh huh huh. ON BEAVIS. He continues to babble, making the agents nervous. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO You must bow down to the Almighty Bunghole. (Beavis) Heh heh, this is cool. (Cornholio, chanting) Bungholio-o-o-o-o-o! FLEMMING (to Bork) He's jerkin' us off. I think we're gonna have to take him out. Get ready to fire on my orders... (on bullhorn) This is your last chance. Give us the unit now... BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (Beavis) Why does everyone wanna see my schlong? (Cornholio, chanting) I am the one-and-only-almighty-bungholiooo! FLEMMING (to agents) OK boys. Get ready to fire on the count of three. (on bullhorn) I'm gonna give you three seconds... ANGLE ON AGENTS taking aim, cocking their guns. FLEMMING (CONT.) (on bullhorn) One... ANGLE ON BEAVIS, chanting. BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO Cornholio-o-o-o-o... ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD. BUTT-HEAD Uh, huh huh huh. FLEMMING (on bullhorn) ...Two... BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO ...o-o-o-eieee-ooooeeeooooo... FLEMMING (on bullhorn) Thrr... Suddenly Tom Anderson throws open his camper door, holding Beavis' pants. TOM And take yer damn pants with ya...! (noticing) What in the hell...? BORK (pointing) THE PANTS!!! He's got the unit! Suddenly all guns are on Anderson. FLEMMING (through bullhorn) Drop the pants! Now! TOM Wait a minute. I ain't the one... IN SLOW MOTION: A S.W.A.T. TEAM GUY lunges at Tom, grabbing the pants. Tom pulls away, causing the pants to RIP. THE UNIT GOES FLYING. A FROZEN MOMENT. SLOW MOTION. TIGHT ON THE UNIT. TIGHT ON FACES IN THE CROWD. TIGHT ON THE UNIT. TIGHT ON FLEMMING. TIGHT ON BUTT-HEAD, LAUGHING IN SLOW MOTION - OBLIVIOUS. TIGHT ON THE UNIT, FALLING, FALLING. IT HITS BUTT-HEAD'S HEAD, BOUNCES AND FALLS INTO HIS HANDS. The agents all stare at Butt-Head - quiet, not sure what to do. Butt-Head hands it to Flemming, nonchalant. BUTT-HEAD Uh, here ya go. Huh huh huh. The crowd CHEERS. ON ANDERSON'S CAMPER. Tom is handcuffed roughly. TOM Now wait just a minute... An agent comes out of the camper with the picture of Dallas. Bork grabs it and shows it to Tom. BORK How do you explain this? Flemming approaches Tom. FLEMMING Sooo, using two innocent teenagers as pawns in your sick game, huh? TOM I don't know what the hell... FLEMMING (disgusted) Take him away. Anderson is dragged away past a group of young, boy-scout types who shake their heads in shame. ANGLE ON Beavis and Butt-head being interviewed by a reporter. Beavis is in his underwear. Tom is being dragged away in the background. BEAVIS I always thought there was something wrong with him. Heh heh heh. BUTT-HEAD Yeah, he had a lot of problems. Huh huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah, and um, he used to hit me too. BUTT-HEAD (leaning towards camera) Uh hey, does anyone wanna see my unit? B&B Huh huh huh huh huh huh. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY Later. Establish. Most A.T.F. cars are pulling out. INT. WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY B&B sit as Flemming paces in front of them. Beavis is no longer Cornholio. FLEMMING I gotta admit, I didn't believe it. I thought you were scum. But you saved more lives today than you'll ever know. You led us to one of the sickest criminals in our history. This country owes you a debt. BUTT-HEAD Uh, does that mean, like, we're gonna get money and stuff? BEAVIS Yeah, and chicks! We were supposed to score. FLEMMING For security reasons, your actions will have to remain top secret. But someone very special wants to give his thanks. Flemming motions to the big chair. The PRESIDENT swivels around and rises to shake hands with B&B. PRESIDENT Beavis and Butt-Head. On behalf of all your fellow Americans, I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh. He said crap. Huh huh. BEAVIS Heh heh. This guy's cool. PRESIDENT In recognition for your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. BUTT-HEAD Whoa, huh huh!!! The President hands them citations. BUTT-HEAD (CONT.) You hear that, Beavis! We're gonna get alcohol, tobacco and guns! BEAVIS Yeah, maybe some chicks too. Heh heh. B&B leave the office, muttering. BUTT-HEAD Cigarettes and beer rule! Huh huh. BEAVIS Yeah! We're with the bureau of cigarettes and chicks! We're gonna score! B&B Huh huh huh huh huh. EXT. AIRPORT NEAR B&B'S HOMETOWN - DAY A plane lands. INT. PLANE/DOOR - DAY As before, the flight crew stares in horror and silence as B&B deplane. BUTT-HEAD Uh... bye-bye. BEAVIS Heh heh. Bye bye. Heh heh. EXT. ELITE MOTEL LODGE BAR - DAY Walking home, B&B pass the motel. They notice the sign for big screen TV. They stop and look at it. BUTT-HEAD You know what else sucks? We never even got a TV. ON BEAVIS, seeing something, amazed, ecstatic. BEAVIS Heh mmm, hey mmm Butt-Head! Look! Heavenly MUSIC. B&B stare at the wonder before them. ANGLE ON THEIR TV, mangled, partly-crushed junk. B&B Yes! Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh. B&B run up to the set like it was their lost and found dog. EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY B&B walk off into the distance with the TV. BEAVIS Hey Butt-Head, do you think we're ever gonna score? BUTT-HEAD Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey. Huh huh. BEAVIS Shut up, dill-hole. BUTT-HEAD Butt-dumpling... BEAVIS Turd-burglar... BUTT-HEAD Dill-wad... BEAVIS Bunghole... BUTT-HEAD Butt-snatch... BEAVIS Um, uh, butt... um, hole. Butt-hole... BUTT-HEAD Uh... dill, um, face... BEAVIS Um... ass... head... BUTT-HEAD Uh... butt-snatch... BEAVIS You already said that, Butt-Head. BUTT-HEAD Oh, uh, I mean, uh, ass-goblin... B&B Huh huh huh... B&B head off into the sunset, trading lame insults as we FADE OUT. END 

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+BigSCENE 1JOSHYou are standing in the cavern of the evil wizard.  All around you are the carcasses of slain ice dwarfs...Melt the wizard.  What do you want to melt him with?  What do you think I want to melt him with...(Josh, don't forget to take out the garbage)  Just a second!  Throw the...(Josh, did you hear what your mother said?)  One minute!  (Josh Baskin!)  Your hesitancy has cost you dearly.  The wizard, sensing your apprehension, unleashes a fatal blow from the ice scepter.  With luck, you will thaw in several million years.  Great.MOMC'mon Josh, it's starting to get awfully late!JOSHOkay. Okay. Okay.SCENE 2JOSHTake the garbage out.  Every day, take the garbage out...Rick Rodin is on the mound for the Yankees!  He looks into the catcher's mitt, shakes off the first signal, takes the turn, wipes the sweat off his brow, leans back and fires...BILLYYeah!  Good-bye Mr. Spaulding!  ...Here, here!  Quick!SCENE 3JOSHGot it.  Need it.  Need it.  Got it.BILLYHey.  Hey.  Hey!  You ever go by Simpson's desk when she's grading papers or somethin'?  When she's leaned over, you can see right down her shirt.JOSHNo!BILLYSwear to God.JOSHBra?BILLYNo.  No.  She's got one of those undershirt things.  So if you get real close to the board, you can see all the way down to her flowers.JOSHWoah!BILLYYeah.  Give me your gum.JOSHNeed it.  Got it.  Got it.  Need it...BILLYHey.  Hey.  Hey!  Oh my God, it's Cynthia!  How did a geek like Freddy Benson get a sister like that?JOSHBeats me.CYNTHIAHi Josh.BILLYHi!...He says hi!...Unbelievable!  God!  She likes you!  I know she likes you!  I'll find out, okay!SCENE 4BILLY &JOSHShimmy, shimmy cocoa pop!  Shimmy, shimmy rock!  Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop!  Shimmy, shimmy rock!  I met a girlfriend a triscuit!  She said, a triscuit a biscuit!  Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top!  Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week!  I read it!  I said it!  I stole my momma's credit!  I'm cool!  I'm hot!  Sock me in the stomach three more times!JOSHDon't forget to call me after supper.BILLYOkay.JOSHRemember about Cynthia!BILLYDon't worry!  I'm as interested as you are.SCENE 5JOSHSo, will you tell me?BILLYYou're in!JOSHWhat do you mean, I'm in?BILLYCynthia Benson!JOSHWhat about her?BILLYYou ready for this?  She doesn't like Barry anymore!JOSHSo?BILLYSo what do you mean so?!  That's it!  She's available!MOMJosh...?JOSHIt doesn't mean...MOMHey, it's after midnight.  Now say goodnight to Billy.JOSHGoodnight Billy.  I've gotta go.BILLYGoodnight Mrs. Baskin!  Sweet dreams.SCENE 6DADAre you sure you want to go on this thing, Son?JOSHYeah!MOMNah!  Nah!  I don't know about this one, Bob.  No, this looks too scary.DADIt's okay.JOSHOh my gosh!MOMSee, I told you he doesn't want to go on it.DADSon, you know, you don't have to go on this thing if you don't feel like it.JOSHNo!  No!  It's just that I...I want to go on it myself.MOMYou do?JOSHYeah.  I think it's something...yeah, I think it's something I should do.DADGreat!  Why don't we meet you at the ferris wheel.JOSHHalf hour.SCENE 7CYNTHIAJosh?JOSHOh, hi!CYNTHIAHi!  Have you been on this before?JOSHThis?CYNTHIAYeah.JOSHYes.CYNTHIAIs it scary?JOSHYes.CYNTHIAAre you here alone?JOSHYes.CYNTHIALook.  Aren't those your parents?JOSHWhere?MOMHoney!CYNTHIARight over there.MOMSmile!JOSHWhy, yes.DARINHey, who's this?CYNTHIAThis is Josh Baskin.DARINHow ya doin'?CYNTHIAThis is Darin.  He drives.MANNext!DARINGo ahead.MANYo next!DARINGo ahead!MANYo next!  Woah!  Read this sign.  You must be at least this big to ride this ride!CYNTHIAWhat?MANHey, I don't make the rules here.  Next!  Next!CYNTHIAWell, it's a stupid rule.MANLook, why don't you try the kiddy ride?SCENE 8JOSHDrop twenty-five cents here.  C'mon!  C'mon!  C'mon!  ...Neat!  ...Make my wish....I wish I were big....Your wish is granted.SCENE 9MOMJosh!  Josh!  Josh!JOSHWhat?MOMIt's seven-thirty.  Are you up?  ...Come on Sleepy Head!  You're going to miss the bus and I can't drive you today! ...What does he do in his sleep?  ...Honey?  I put out some clean clothes.  Bring down your dungarees and stuff for the laundry, okay?JOSHOkay.MOMAre you getting a cold, Josh?JOSHNo!  Fine!MOMHe's got a cold.  Then Rachel's gonna get a cold and I'm gonna get a cold...JOSHOh my God.MOMBreakfast is ready, Josh!JOSHBe right there!MOMJosh!  Hurry up!  Your eggs are getting cold!  ...Bring down Rachel with you, all right?JOSHOkay!MOMYou want orange juice or...What about your breakfast?!SCENE 10MOMOh, you...don't!  Don't!JOSHI'm sorry! ...Mom, it's me.  It's Josh.  Mom, I'm a grown up!MOMStop it!  Oh God!JOSHI made a wish last night...I turned into a grown up, Mom!  I made this wish on a machine...MOMGo away!  Go away!  Please!JOSH...and it turned me into a grown up!  It was last night at the carnival!  My birthday is November 3rd...I got a B on my history test!MOMHere's my purse!  You can have anything that's in it!  Go away!JOSHMy, my, my baseball team is called the Dukes!  Uh, I made this for you!   Who are you calling?  Ah!  I have a birthmark behind my left knee!MOMYou bastard!  What did you do to my son?JOSHI am your son, Mom!MOMWhere is my child?!  Where is my son?!  Police!SCENE 11COACHHeads up!  Heads up out there!BILLYI'm open!  Here!  I'm open!COACHI want you to gather up these balls, go to the locker room and get on to your next class!  Wash shirts and shorts!  Billy.  Do us both a favor.  Put the balls in the equipment closet and you practice your lay up.SCENE 12JOSHBilly.BILLYYeah?  What?JOSHIt's me.  It's Josh!BILLYCoach Burns!  Coach Burns!  Coach Burns!JOSHWait a minute!  Shut up!  Shut up!  I'm your best friend, you've gotta believe me!  I'll prove it to you!  Billy, please!BILLYHelp!  Help!JOSHGod damn it Billy Kopecky!  Look, I know that I don't look like myself, okay!  But something really strange happened and I'm really scared and I need your help!  You're my best friend!  I can prove it to you!  ...Ooh!  The spades go, Down!  Down! Baby!  Down!  Down the roller coaster!  Sweet, sweet baby!  Sweet, sweet delectable!  Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop!  Shimmy, shimmy rock!  Shimmy, shimmy cocoa pop!  Shimmy, shimmy rock!  I met a girlfriend a triscuit!  She said a triscuit a biscuit!  Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top!  Ooh Shelly, walking down the street, ten times a week!  I met it!  I said it!  I stole my mother's credit!  I'm cool!  I'm hot!  Sock me in the stomach three more times!BILLYJosh?  You look terrible.JOSHI know.SCENE 13POLICEThat's right.  We're at the scene right now.  Well, she's pretty upset and she's not making any sense at all.  There's no ransom note, no prints, there's no nothin.'  Tell you what, file a report and to be on the safe side...KID#1I bet he ran away.  Wish I could.KID#2Want me to pack your bags?SCENE 14BILLYWe go to the city, we lay low for a couple of days, find that Zoltar Machine, make your wish...you'll be home by Thursday!JOSHWell, I'm not supposed to go to New York without my folks!BILLYC'mon!  You'll be fine!  ...Here.JOSHWhere did you get this?!BILLYFrom my Dad's top drawer!JOSHYou stole it?!BILLYIt's his emergency fund!JOSHJesus Billy!BILLYWell what do you call this?!SCENE 15WOMANYou lookin' for some fun tonight sweet thing?JOSHNo, thank you.MANHey man, can you spare some change?JOSHNo, not really.BILLYHey, this looks okay.JOSHNo it doesn't.BILLYSaint James, Josh, it's religious.SCENE 16BILLYHi.JOSHHi.MANBurp!JOSHUh, we would like a hotel room, please.MAN$17.50 a night for the room, $10.00 deposit for the sheets....You go straight to the top of the stairs.  It's the last door on the right.  Next to the bathroom.  Wait a second, I'll show you.SCENE 17BILLYIt smells bad.JOSHShh!MANHave a pleasant stay....Hey Angel!  Get out of that bathroom now!JOSHI don't want to stay here by myself.BILLYI can't help it Josh.  I've gotta be home by ten.  Look, I'll cut classes tomorrow and we'll find that Zoltar thing before you know it, okay?  It's just one night.  All right?JOSHAll right.BILLYGood.JOSHWhat if I can't sleep?BILLYIt's probably better if you don't.  See you in the morning.JOSHWell, you mean like what time?BILLY8:30.  I'd use the chain if I were you.JOSHMom...Mom....SCENE 18JOSHI told you, it's not a video game.BILLYWell, what is it?JOSHWell, it's not a video game.BILLYThis one's got a number on it.  Does yours?JOSHNo.  Oh wait, here's one.MANHey, what are doing?  What are doing?JOSHDo you have Zoltar?MANNo.  I told you, I looked back in the back.  I've got Powerhouse, I've got ...JOSHWe really need Zoltar.MANWell, I haven't got it.SCENE 19BILLYThis is it.JOSHThey aren't going to have it.BILLYThey'll have it.MANCan I help you?JOSHYes.  We would like a list of all carnivals and fairs.BILLYAnd arcades.JOSHYeah.MANCarnivals and fairs...Try Consumer Affairs, down the hall, room 111.JOSHThank you.SCENE 20WOMANFill this out in triplicate.  $5.00 filing charge.BILLYSee.WOMANOne month to process.  You get in six weeks.JOSHSix weeks?WOMANSometimes longer, but, you could get lucky....Next please!SCENE 21JOSHI'm gonna be thirty years old for the rest of my life.BILLYWould you come on.  We'll figure something out.  By the way, you may be older than that!JOSHSo now what?BILLYI'll come and see you everyday after school.JOSHHow?BILLYI'll tell them I made the basketball team.JOSHI won't have anything to do.BILLYYou can get a job.JOSHI can't get a job.BILLYWhy?  It can't be any different than school.  What are you good at?JOSHI don't know.  Making spit balls?SCENE 22BILLYHow about a delivery man?JOSHI don't know how drive.BILLYOh yeah, right...Cardiological technician, civil engineer...JOSHYou gonna eat your cherry?BILLYGo ahead....Clerical transcriber...JOSHBilly?BILLYYeah....Gross.  God, that's gross!JOSHHey, go on to the next column.BILLYCollection agent, company clerk, computer operator, construction engineer...JOSHComputer operator?  Computer operator, read that one.BILLYJosh, would you quit with your stupid computers!JOSHJust read it!BILLYMacmillan Toys...toys!JOSHToys!SCENE 23WOMANMacmillan Toys, may I help you?BILLYOkay, what's next?  There.JOSHPrevious employment.BILLYYour paper route.JOSHI can't put that.BILLYPaper route circulation?JOSHYeah!BILLYWhat's he got?  Hey, don't worry about it.JOSHSocial Security number?BILLY32-17-25.JOSHWhat is that?BILLYMy locker combination.JOSHGreat!WOMANMr. Baskin.  Mr. Baskin?JOSHYes.  Yes.WOMANThe Personnel Director will see you now....Uh, you son can wait out here.JOSHYeah, okay.  Son, you should sit down and don't give the lady any trouble now.BILLYSure Dad!  ...Don't forget--look him in the eye!SCENE 24MANCouple of numbers missing on your Social Security.JOSHOh, uh twelve.MANOne two.  Says here you've got four years experience.JOSHYes.MANAll on computers?JOSHYes.MANWhere did you go to school?JOSHIt was called George Washington.MANOh, G.W.  My brother-in-law got his doctorate there.  Did you pledge?JOSHYes.  Every morning.SUSANIt happened again!  David, the girl is absolutely useless!  You've got to get me someone who knows what she is doing!  Excuse me.  I'm not getting any of my mail, nothing has been filed!  Ever since she got engaged, my life has been a disaster!  MANYou know, she came so highly recommended.SUSANShe spent the last three months writing down her married name.  Mrs. Judy Hicks.  Mrs. Donald Hicks.  Mrs. Judy Mitchleson Hicks.  Sometimes with a hyphen, sometimes without a hyphen.  Sometimes she spells the hyphen!MANWell, I really don't know where I can put her.SUSANPut her on unemployment!MANWhen can you start?JOSHSoon.SCENE 25MANI thought we'd start you out with preschoolers.  Should take you a few days.  Give you a chance to find your way around.  Do you smoke?JOSHWell, uh, just once, but...MANOnly on breaks in the coffee room....Most of that is pretty straight forward stuff.  If you have any questions, come to me.  Good luck.JOSHBye!SCENE 26SCOTTPsst!  Psst!  Hey!  Hey!  I'm Scott Brennan.JOSHUh, I'm Josh Baskin.SCOTTListen, what are you trying to do?  Get us all fired?JOSHHuh?SCOTTYou've gotta slow down.  Pace yourself.  Slowly!  Slowly!JOSHSorry.  Today's my first day.SCOTTI know!JOSHSo how long have you worked here?SCOTTFive years.  Work stinks but the fringe benefits are great!  See that girl over there in the red?  Say hi to her and she'll be yours.  She'll wrap her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy!JOSHWell, I'll stay away from her then!SCOTTExcuse me.  Yeah Brennan.  I gave it to you yesterday!  Oh, here it is.  I don't have time to xerox it.  Let the new guy do it.SCENE 27MR. MThat's total bullshit Paul!PAULLook sir, the favorability rate is...MR. MCome on!  Let's not lie to ourselves!  If a kid likes a toy it sells.  That's all!SUSANBut every bit of research and focus testing...MR. MIt works with research, it works with focus testing, it just doesn't work with the kids!JOSHSorry!  I'm sorry!PAULWhy don't you watch where the hell you're going!SUSANAre you okay!MR. MI'm fine.PAULYou could kill somebody running around here like that!MR. MIt's all right Paul.  The boss should get knocked on his ass once in a while.  It's good for him.PAULI don't know sir, maybe you should see a doctor.MR. MFor crying out loud Paul, I'm fine!  I'm fine!PAULSorry sir!  Sorry!MR. MWhere were you going anyway, son?JOSHUh, I was going to the xerox room because they needed these by 5:00.MR. MOh, that's good!  Nothing wrong with a little hustle.  Nothing at all!  Right Paul?PAULWhat does he mean?  I hustle!  Uh sir!  Sir!SCENE 28MOMHello?  ...Hello?JOSHHello.  Mrs. Baskin?MOMYes.JOSHHow are you?MOMWho is this?JOSHI just wanted you to know that Josh is all right.  He's okay.MOMYou have my boy?JOSHYeah.  And you're gonna get him back, just the way he was.MOMLook, I swear to God--If you do anything to him, if you touch one hair on his head, I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer!JOSHWow!  Thanks!MOMLet me talk to Josh!JOSHOh, he can't come to the phone right now.MOMWhy not?  Why not?  What did you do to him?!JOSHI didn't do anything to him!  I think he's a terrific kid!MOMI want proof that he's all right!JOSHUh, well, all right.  Ask me something that only he would know.  Then I'll ask him for you and that way you'll know that he's okay.MOMAsk him what I used to sing to him when he was a little boy.JOSHIsn't there something else that you would rather ask him?MOMAsk him!JOSHOh, I got it!  I got it!  Memories, like the corner of my mind.  Misty water color memories, of the way we were.  Scattered pictures...Look, you're gonna see him again really soon.  I promise.  I cross my heart.  We'll talk about this later.SCENE 29MANHarris!  Brennan!  Baskin!JOSHWhat is this?SCOTTPay day.JOSH$187.00?!  Ha!  Ha!SCOTTYeah.  They really screw you, don't they?SCENE 30JOSHHi.WOMANHi.  Okay, so how would you like that?JOSHThree dimes, a hundred dollar bill, and eighty seven ones.WOMANOne, two, three...SCENE 31JOSHI'm never eating again.BILLYIt wasn't that bad.JOSHIt was the boat ride that did it.BILLYNo, it was the pork rinds.JOSHPork rinds!  Aghh!  We sure had fun, didn't we?BILLYYeah, we sure did.SCENE 32BOYGot you!JOSHWhat's your name?BOYJordan, what's yours?JOSHMine's Josh.BOYI'm gonna blow you away Josh!JOSHBut I just got you!BOYNo way!  Get back here!SCENE 33MR. MYou work for me, don't you?JOSHYes.MR. MI thought so.  What, are you here with your kids?JOSHNo.  I was just looking around.MR. MOh.  Me too.  I come here every Saturday.  Can't see this on a marketing report.JOSHWhat's a marketing report?MR. MExactly.  Come on.  What do you think of that?JOSHThe Championship Hockey?  Oh, I love it.  Only the...MR. MOnly what?JOSHWell, the pieces don't move.MR. MWhat do you mean?JOSHWell, on the old set you could slide the men up and down the ice, and now all they do is spin around.  It was more like real hockey the old way.  Why did they change it?MR. MI don't know.JOSHYou see, the Star Fighters are good because you can change all the pieces.  But I never liked the Galactakons.  You only get one robot, and they don't come with a vehicle.  MR. MI see.JOSHPlus you can't take them underwater.  And if you do they...Neat!MR. MOkay, let's check out the...Piano lessons?JOSHThree years.MR. MMe too.  Everyday, after school....Chopsticks....What department did you say you were in?JOSHOh, I'm in computers.MR. MComputers?  You just saved me a trip to the gym Son.SCENE 34SUSANVice President in charge of Product Development.PAULVice President!  He's only been here a week!  Vice President?!SUSANAnd he came from data processing!PAULHe's out of his mind!  The old man has finally lost it!SUSANDid you know they gave him Bob's old office?PAULBob's office?!  Bob's office is bigger than my office!  There's got to be a reason.  Things like this don't happen unless there's a reason.SCENE 35BILLYThat means if the president dies you get to take over?JOSHNo. No.  They got a hundred of them.  Are we ready?WOMANYes Mr. Baskin.JOSHCome on in.BILLYLook at this place!  It's bigger than the principal's office!JOSHHow would you know?BILLYRemember that explosion in science?JOSHOh yes!BILLYTruck-a-Killer!  $59.95?JOSHYou know that only costs 10 bucks to make.BILLYGet out of here! ...What is this?JOSHOh, well, this is just...They just put this in here...it doesn't mean anything.BILLYSo what do they make you do for all this?JOSHWell, I play with all of this stuff and then, I go in there and tell them what I think.BILLYThat's it?JOSHYeah.BILLYAnd they pay you for that?JOSHYeah.BILLYSuckers!JOSHOh, thank you Miss Patterson.  Hey!  Miss Patterson.  Could you call down to Media and have them send up a video tape of the Giants Broncos Super Bowl?  And have them edit out all the commercials and talkin' and stuff?WOMANYes Mr. Baskin.JOSHMiss Patterson.BILLYYou're the luckiest guy I know.SCENE 36PAULDid you check Mattel?SUSANNothing.PAULColleco?SUSANZero.PAULHe can't come from nowhere Susan.  He has to come from somewhere.  How about Hasbro?SUSANYes.  And Fisher Price and Worlds of Wonder.  I have called everywhere.  Nobody's ever heard of him!PAULGreat!SUSANFace it Paul.  The guy comes from data processing.PAULTerrific.  That is just terrific!  This is just terrific!SUSANYou're being paranoid Paul.SCENE 37PAULThese tests were conducted over a six month period using a double-blind format of eight over-lapping demographic groups.  Every region of the country was sampled, the focus testing showed a solid base in the 9 to 11-year old bracket--with a possible carry-over into the 12-year olds.  When you consider that Nobots and Transformers pull over 37 percent market share, and that we are targeting the same area, I think that we should see one quarter of that and that is one fifth of the total revenue from all of last year.  Any questions?  Yes?  Yes?JOSHI don't get it.PAULWhat exactly don't you get?JOSHIt turns from a building into a robot, right?PAULPrecisely.JOSHWell, what's fun about that?PAULWell, if you had read your industry breakdown, you would see that our success in the action figure area has climbed from 27 percent to 45 percent in the last two years.  There, that might help.JOSHOh.PAULYes?JOSHI still don't get it.PAULWhat?!MR. MWhat don't you get Josh?JOSHWell, there's a million robots that turn into something.  And this is a building that turns into a robot.  So what's so fun about playing with a building?  That's not any fun!PAULThis is a skyscraper.JOSHWell, couldn't it be like a robot that turns into something like a bug or something?PAULA bug?JOSHYeah!  Like a big prehistoric insect with maybe like giant claws that could pick up a car and crush it like that!MANA prehistoric transformer?MR. MInteresting.PAULGentlemen!MANSo the robot turns into a bug.PAULAh, gentlemen, listen...MANListen to him.  He's got a very good idea here.  The robot turns into a bug.MANThis is a great idea!JOSHDifferent sizes and things.  And...you could have them wreck something...MANA lady bug.  Transformers for girls!MR. MThis is a bug that moves....It's got all kinds of possibilities.PAULThis doesn't just happen.  This doesn't happen.  You don't just come to a meeting and say "bugs."SUSANI, uh....MR. MWell done, Josh.  Well done.SCENE 38PAULHo! Ho! Ho!  He is vicious!  SUSANHe's not vicious.PAULOh, come on Susan, don't kid yourself.  That man is a killer!SUSANAll he said was "I don't get it."PAULI don't get it!  I don't get!  I don't get!  He's going for the throat, trying to eviscerate me!  Did you see the look on Macmillan's face?!SUSANMmm Hmm.SCENE 39REALTORIt's quite a unique space.  The lines are so clean and you don't get any of that partition quality.  It has 50-foot ceilings, all hardwood floors, ample closet space, a modern kitchen, a brand new bathroom with a jet stream jacuzzi.BILLYWe'll take it.SCENE 40MANBaskin.  Rental delivery!JOSHDear Mom and Dad.  They said that I could write you and let you know I was okay.  So far, they're treating me fine.  I've got enough to eat and I'm perfectly safe.  They say that I'll get out of here in about a month.  In the mean time, it's a lot like camp!  I watch TV and even get outside once in a while.  I know you miss me.  But try not to worry.  I think this experience might even be good for me.  I love you very much and I know that I'll see you soon.  Your son, Joshua.  P.S.  Give Rachel a kiss from her big brother.SCENE 41WOMANIt's very beautiful and I'm having a lovely time.MR. MI'm glad Miss Patterson.WOMANIt's much better than last year.  I just wanted to tell you that.MR. MI'll have another scotch....Susan.SUSANLove your tux.MR. MI think it's the same as the maitre's.SUSANHave you decided what you're doing on the Danberry line?MR. MNo, I haven't.SUSANWell, uh, I think if you got everyone's input up front, I mean right from the beginning....MR. MSusan, have a drink.SUSANWhat?MR. MHave a couple drinks.  It's a party.SCENE 42MR. MJosh!  Glad you could make it.MANBet he gets another raise.MR. MNow that's what I call a tuxedo.JOSHI rented it.  This is a real bow tie though.  I tied it myself.  And that's why I was late.MR. MNo, you're not late at all.  Come on, let me show you around.JOSHHey, there's Miss Patterson!  Hi!  There's the guy from the meeting!  Hi!SCENE 43PAULThe guy's a damn knock-off artist.MANWhat do you mean?PAULThe Amphibian?  He takes 10,000 G. I. Joes, slaps some gills on them, webs their feet, and packages them in seaweed....So I show him the schedule and he says, "It's not correct accounting procedure!"  Give me a goddamn break!MANBut the toy sold Paul.SUSANExcuse me.SCENE 44SUSANHi.JOSHHi.SUSANAll the same people having all the same discussion.  It's like they cloned some party in 1983 and kept spinning it out again and again and again.  I loved your ideas on the Squeezy Doll line.  JOSHThanks.SUSANThey were so, incisive.  It's Beluga.  Macmillan orders it every year....You all right?  You okay?  You want a glass of water?  You want something to drink?JOSHCould I have a milkshake or something?SUSANI've got a car outside.  You want to get out of here?JOSHUh Huh.SUSANLet's go.SCENE 45SUSANI'm not really a big one for parties.  You know, I like things that are a little more intimate.  JOSHWow!  Is this your car?SUSANWell, it's the company's car.JOSHOh, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen!SUSANI mean, just seeing someone in the office, you don't really get a chance to know them.  I mean, just being with you here tonight, I really get a sense of who you are.JOSHAre you gonna eat these fries?SUSANNo. No....JOSHHey mister?  You want some of these fries?  We're not going to eat them.DRIVERNo, thank you.SUSANYou see, it's hard in a business situation...I mean there's this invisible line and even you're attracted to someone...What, are you going to call someone before...?JOSHNo.SUSANUh, I mean at this point in my life I...Don't...Don't play with the radio...Leave the uh...Don't...I'm really vulnerable right now!  You know...I mean, I love my job and I....JOSHEjector seat!  This is great!  Hey!  Come on up!  Hey, that was my apartment.SUSANReally?  I'd love to see where you live.SCENE 46SUSANSo have you always lived alone?JOSHNo, not always.SUSANAh.  Is it just recently or...?JOSHYeah.SUSANGive yourself a couple of days, it'll pass.JOSHWell, they said it was gonna take six weeks.SUSANWell, it can be painful but, that's what they invented Xanax for, right?JOSHWatch your step.SUSANI'm not sure we should do this yet.JOSHDo what?SUSANWell, I mean I like you and I want to spend the night with you....JOSHDo you mean sleep over?SUSANWell,...yeah!JOSHOkay!  But I get to be on top!SCENE 47SUSANYou live here?JOSHYeah.  It's nice, isn't it?SUSANYeah.JOSHYou uh, want a soda?SUSANHuh?JOSHSoda?  You want one?SUSANYeah, sure.JOSHThey rigged this up so you don't need any quarters....Don't!  Don't...!SUSANWhat?JOSHThe glue's not dry.  Sorry.SUSANSorry.JOSHIt's okay....You wanna play pinball?SUSANNo.JOSHYou don't need quarters for this either.  It's free.SUSANNo, thank you.JOSHOkay.SUSANIs that a trampoline?JOSHYeah.  You wanna try it?SUSANNo.JOSHYou should.  It's really fun.  It's simple, too.  Come on!  Come on!  You'll like it and it's really easy to do.SUSANNo, I don't think...JOSHI'm serious...SUSANDo have some wine?JOSHTake off your shoes...It's really easy....Let me get rid of these balls.SUSANNo, I'm...I'm...I'll watch.JOSHCome on.  It's fun.  I'll do it with you.  Up you go.  Excellent.SUSANHelp me up?JOSHSure.SUSANOkay.JOSHOkay.  Jump.  SUSANYou want me to jump?JOSHYes.SUSANThere.  Now can we have a drink?JOSHNo!  No!  No!  I mean really jump.  Now get some air between you and the trampoline.SUSANThere.JOSHOh, come on!  I'll do it with you!  All right?  I'll show you how to do it.  You ready?  Come on.  Jump.  See?  There it is.  That's all there is to it.  There you go.  There you go.  Yeah!  It's easy!  Anybody could do this!SCENE 48JOSHHere.  Pick one....It's for you.  It's a glow in the dark compass ring...so you won't get lost....Goodnight.SCENE 49PAULDid you have fun last night?SUSANSure.  Yeah.PAULYeah...You left pretty quick.SUSANI gave him a ride home Paul.PAULOh, did he enjoy it?SUSANDon't be ridiculous.PAULAh, that's me, Mr. Ridiculous.  Just a silly old guy.SUSANI don't feel like going out tonight.PAULWhat do you mean?  They're your friends....Come on!  Leave it!  Leave it!  Would you quit it!  Do you have to play with everything?SCENE 50PAULBaskin?  Baskin!JOSHWouldn't you rather play basketball?  I know how to play that.  We could be like a team for the Macmillan Company.PAULNo.JOSHI'm not very good at sports, but I'll give it a try.  My best sport is video hockey.PAULThat isn't a sport.JOSHWell, it takes eye to hand coordination.PAULIt's not a sport if you don't sweat!JOSHWhat about golf?  You don't sweat and that's a sport.PAULYeah, and you're not sittin' there letting some machine do all the work!JOSHWhat about car racing?PAULAw shut up Baskin!JOSHWhat are the rules again?PAULI told you.  Over the line to serve.  Yellow is out of bounds.  Play to 21--ready?JOSHSorry.  Sorry.PAULOne nothing.  Come on!  Get it!  Get it!  Get it!JOSHOkay.PAULThatta boy!  Okay, you ready?  All right....Ho ho!  Nice try!  That was in!  Two zip.  Just made it.  Two zip.  Ready?  Okay!  Here we go!...19/18.JOSHUh, that was under the line.PAULWhat?JOSHThat was under the line.  You said it had to be over the line on a serve.PAULNo I didn't.JOSHYeah you did!  You said it had to be over the line on a serve!PAULNo I did not, now give me the goddamn ball!JOSHWell that's cheating!PAULGive me the goddamn ball, will ya!JOSHNo!PAULGive me the ball you little shit!  JOSHIt's my serve.PAULGive me the ball!  Give me the goddamn ball!  I never said that!JOSHYes you did.PAULGive me the...Give me the ball!  Give me the ball!JOSHCheater!  You cheat!PAULI did not cheat!JOSHYou cheat!  You cheat!PAULGive me the ball!  Give me the ball!  Give me it!  Give me the ball!SCENE 51JOSHHe didn't have to punch me.SUSANI know.  He's scared of you.  You don't play his game.JOSHI tried to play his game.  He beat me up.  If he's scared of me then why did he punch me?SUSANHe punched you because he's scared of you.JOSHI don't get it.SUSANIt's just the way he is.  Everything is a fight with him.  Everyone's an enemy.  It's not just a job for him, it's a war.  JOSHWell how come you're so nice?SUSANWhat?JOSHWell, you work just as hard as he does and you're not like that.SUSANYou don't...you don't know me that well.JOSHYes I do.  You're one of the nicest people I've met.SUSANHow do you do it?SCENE 52PAULWhat's this?SUSANWhat does it look like?!  Shampoo, razor, toothpaste, two neckties and your exercise tape!  Oh, and I want my keys back!PAULSure.  It's just some scratches.  He'll get over it.SUSANOh, it has nothing to do with him.PAULOh come on Susan!  He's just another link in the chain!  First it was Tom Caulfield, then Handlen.  Then Golding, then me!  Am I missing somebody?SUSANIt's not like that anymore!PAULWhat is so special about Baskin?SUSANHe's a grown up!PAULSusan.SUSANI can't believe you brought up Golding.SCENE 53BILLYAnd many more!  What are you going to wish for this time?SCENE 54BILLYI know what we can do!  We can go out and get some beers, some dirty magazines and go back...JOSHUh, I can't Billy.BILLYWhat you mean you can't?  Of course you can!  It's your birthday!JOSHNo, I can't...I have to go somewhere.BILLYWhere?JOSHUm...well, I have to go meet somebody and...BILLYSo, you got all night!JOSHYeah I know, but it's just...well I can't right now okay, but I'll call you, all right?  Okay?  I'll give you a call.  Thanks again Billy, it was fun!SCENE 55SUSANHi....Do you want to come in?JOSHSure.SUSANSit down....Want to go?JOSHYeah!  Yeah!SCENE 56JOSHWant to go again?!SCENE 57JOSHSo they have these cars that you can actually drive them except they're on this rail so you can't get off the road...You have a really big gob of mustard right, right...SUSANWhat?JOSHMustard right....SUSANWhere?JOSHRight there.SUSANIs it gone?JOSHWell,....SUSANIs that...gone?JOSHYeah.SUSANListen.JOSHWhat?  Music?SUSANWanna dance?JOSHDance?SUSANWell we don't have to if you don't want to.JOSHOkay.  Okay.SUSANAll right.JOSHOkay....Are you cold?SUSANMm Mm.JOSHWe could get some hot chocolate....You can wear my jacket if you want.SCENE 58SUSANOh, I haven't done this in a long time....What were you like when you were younger?JOSHOh, I wasn't much different.SUSANI believe that about you....I've been thinking about you a lot....It's crazy....In my car, lying in bed....I've just never gone out with someone like you....With all the other men there was so much to hide....I feel like I can tell you anything.JOSHSusan?  There's something I think I should tell you.SUSANWhat?SCENE 59SUSANYou want the light on?SCENE 60JOSHHey Frank, how are you?  Good morning everybody!WOMANGood morning Sir.JOSHI'd like some coffee please Miss Patterson.WOMANBut you don't drink coffee.JOSHAnd uh, make it black.SCENE 61WOMANYou know, you two should come to Vermont.  It is so pretty up there.MANDid anyone happen to see that great documentary about Columbus on PBS the other night?  WOMANUh, no.  Was it good?MANI had no idea he had a fourth ship.JOSHYeah, the Santa Christina.MANThat's right.JOSHHe only had that on his second trip, though.MANYou saw it, too.JOSHNo, but I used to study...stuff.MANReally?BOYDad, I need some help.MANAll right, but not now Adam.BOYYeah, but Dad you said...MANAdam we have guests.WOMANHe's had the roughest time with algebra.  We've tried tutors, everything.JOSHAlgebra?  I used to study that, too.SCENE 62JOSHAll right, let's say Larry Bird is going to score 10 points in the first quarter.BOYOkay?JOSHHow many is he going to score in the whole game?BOYThat's easy, that's 40 points.JOSHProbably.  Okay.  And that's algebra.BOYRight!  It is?JOSHYeah!  See.  Okay.  One quarter is to ten points that he scores in that quarter.  Just as four....WOMANYou're right.  He's wonderful!SUSANI know.SCENE 63BILLYDepartment of Consumer Affairs?  Yeah Buddy it came!SCENE 64MANHe's never done this before.MANKind of like a sweepstakes.PAULGet the Art Department on the phone.  Get them!SUSANSend out for some sandwiches.MR. MMaybe next year, all right?  Next year.SCENE 65SUSANYou can do it.  I know you can!JOSHI cannot plan a whole line!SUSANWhy?  Nobody knows more about toys in the entire company!JOSHSusan, doing that means marketing and strategy and stuff like that!SUSANAll he wants is a proposal!JOSHI can't!SUSANLook, you come up with the ideas and I'll handle the marketing.JOSHBut it's....SUSANCome on.  It'll be neat.JOSHAll right...I don't know...I don't have any new ideas for toys or anything.SUSANYou've got great ideas!SCENE 66BILLYYeah, well tell him I called again.  Kopecky!  K-O-P...Yeah right...well tell him it's important!SCENE 67JOSHYou see it won't be like these where you just follow the story along.  You would actually make a whole different story appear just by pressing these buttons.SUSANAn electronic comic book?  That's amazing!JOSHYeah.  An electric comic book.  It's gonna be different every time.SUSANThis is incredible.  You're brilliant--you know that?JOSHIf you like one you could see it, you know, over and over and over again.SUSANYou're wonderful.JOSHYou really like it?...You think Mac will like it?  You know, what we could do...We could do like sports comics...or like if you're going to steal second or something like that...You'd have sports books...baseball, football...really, it work with almost any sport there is.  Hockey!SUSANWhat...What is it we're doing?  ...What's going on here?  JOSHYou know, we're....Is something wrong?  You don't like it?SUSANNo!  No!  It's...I mean if it's an affair, that's one thing.  But if it's something else...I mean, not that we have to know right now, we don't...but if we think that it could turn into something else...well....How do you feel about all of this?JOSHHow do I feel about what?SUSANHow do you feel about me?JOSHWhat is that supposed to mean?SCENE 68JOSHWell, Wednesday would be better than Thursday...WOMANMr. Baskin can't be disturbed!JOSHYeah, I have the Keating example right here...BILLYWhere've you been?  I've been trying to reach you forever!JOSHShh!  I'm right in the middle of something okay?BILLYThat's the list.  All you've got to do is call!JOSHCan you give me just a minute, please?BILLYWhat are you talking about?  This is the list!JOSHWould you come back at lunch?  All right, I'm a little bit busy right now...Hello?BILLYBusy?!JOSHBilly!BILLYAre you out of your mind?!  JOSHJesus, Billy!  Miss Patterson, could you get them on the phone again....BILLYThis is the list we've been waiting for!JOSHI've got work to do!  Can't you understand that?  I've got a deadline to meet.  God!BILLYWho the fuck do you think you are?!JOSHHey!BILLYHey, you're Josh Baskin!  Remember?  You broke your arm on my roof!  You hid in my basement when Robert Diceman was about to rip your head off!JOSHYou don't get it, do you?  This is important!BILLYI'm your best friend.  What's more important than that, huh?  I'm three months older than you are--asshole!SCENE 69JOSHYou are standing in the cavern of the evil wizard.  All around you are the carcasses of slain ice dwarfs....Melt wizard....What do you want to melt him with?  ...Throw thermal pod.SUSANJosh, what's wrong?  What is it?JOSHI haven't told you something because if I did, I didn't think you'd believe me.  And even if you did believe me, I didn't think you were going to like me anymore, so....SUSANOh, Honey, come here.  You can tell me anything.  What?JOSHSusan, I'm not what you think I am.SUSANWhat do you mean?JOSHBefore I met you I was in little league.  I was in little league and I rode my bike to school and I played with my friends and hung out with them and....SUSANJosh.  Josh.  What are you talking about?JOSHI want to go home.  I miss my family Susan and I want to go home.SUSANOh my God!  You're married!JOSHNo!  No!SUSANI knew that this was too good to be true!  I knew that there had to be something!JOSHNo.  No.  Susan, I'm not married.SUSANYou're not?JOSHNo.  I'm a child!SUSANWhat?JOSHI'm a child Susan, and I'm not ready for all this.SUSANOh that's fine.  That is just great!JOSHWell, you see what happened....SUSANNo.  I understand.  I'm not ready to make a commitment!JOSHNo!  No!  No!SUSANI'm not ready to accept responsibility!JOSHNo!  You don't understand!  I mean, I'm thirteen years old!SUSANOh!  And who isn't?  You think that there isn't a frightened kid inside of me, too!JOSHNo!  I mean I really am thirteen!  I went to bed one night and I was a kid, and when I woke up the next morning I was a grown up.SUSANOh right!  And just yesterday I was a school girl with pigtails!  Why are you doing this Josh?JOSHThere was this carnival in New Jersey.  I made a wish on this machine.  It was called a Zoltar Machine...SUSANOh stop it!JOSHIt was called a Zoltar Machine!  It had this bobbing head that looked just like a devil and if you got a quarter in the devil's mouth you could make a wish and I did!  So I made a wish to be big!  That is what I'm trying to tell you!  I changed into a grown up but I'm really just a kid!SUSANFine Josh!  You're a kid!  Look, I really don't know what it is that you're trying to tell me.  But we have a very big presentation to give tomorrow, so I'm going to get some sleep.SCENE 70BILLYJosh?  Josh!  Oh, hi Mrs. Baskin.MOMHi.  I was just looking around and...Your hair is getting longer.BILLYI got it cut yesterday.MOMHe had a birthday.BILLYYeah, I know.  He'll be coming back real soon.  Everything is going to be okay.MOMThanks.BILLYGoodnight.SCENE 71BILLYRight there.  Sea Point Park, New York!  Well?JOSHYes?WOMANThey're waiting for you Mr. Baskin.JOSHThanks.BILLYSee you around.SCENE 72JOSHThere's this flat screen inside with pictures on it and you read it.  And when you get down to the bottom you have to make a choice of what the character's going to do...Like if he going to go in and fight the dragon then you have to push one of the buttons.PAULExcuse me.JOSHPaul.PAULI don't get it.JOSHWell, it's a comic book that....SUSANSee, there's a computer chip inside which stores the choices, so when you reach the end of the page, you decide where the story goes.  That's the point.MR. MTerrific Susan.SUSANA kid makes his own decision.MR. MThis is really possible?SUSANYeah.  In fact, it's a very simple program.  Isn't that right?MANSo what happens when you run out of choices?SUSANWell, that's the great thing.  You can just sell different adventures.  Just pop in a new disk and you get a whole new set of options.MANWe could market this on a comic book rack.JOSHI'll be right back.SCENE 73MR. MHow much would the unit cost?SUSANWell, our initial figure is around...around $7.00, with a retail cost of around $18.95.PAULYou expect a kid to pay $19.00 for a comic book?SUSANI think a kid....Would you excuse me?SCENE 74SUSANJosh!  Josh!SCENE 75JOSHWill you take me to Sea Point Park, New York?BILLYSea Point Park?  Josh!....Josh!  Josh!...Yes!SCENE 76SUSANExcuse me.  You know him?  You know Josh?BILLYYeah.SUSANLook, you have to tell me where he went.BILLYWho are you?SUSANI'm his girlfriend.BILLYBilly Kopecky.SUSANLook, you have to tell me where he went.  Where did he go?  Please, tell me.  Tell me!SCENE 77JOSHWork!  Damn it!....I wish I was a kid.SUSANJosh!JOSHSusan!SUSANYou know, you don't walk out on somebody!  You don't just get up and leave and walk out like that!  You don't do that!JOSHI know.  I know.  I'm really sorry.  I'm really sorry but I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know what to say.SUSANOh God.  You got your wish.JOSHI tried to tell you.SUSANI didn't listen, I guess.  I didn't hear you...JOSHI tried to tell you last night.SUSAN...or want to...or how would I have...or even if I did listen, why would I know?  Why would I know that?!JOSHI've been thinking about this and there are a million reasons for me to go home but there is only one reason for me to stay.SUSANWhat?  What reason is that?JOSHWell, you...Oh, come on.  Don't cry.SUSANSo, what are you?  15?  16?JOSHI'm 13.SUSANWell, that explains it.JOSHMaybe you could come with me.SUSANNo.  No.JOSHWhy not?SUSANI've been there before.  It's hard enough the first time.  You know what I mean?  You don't know what I mean....Come on, I'll drive you home.JOSHI'm sorry.SUSANNo, I'll be okay.  You'll be fine.  In ten years, who knows?  Maybe you should hold on to my number.SCENE 78SUSANSo this is where you live.  Which one is it?JOSHThe one right there.SUSANOh.  It's nice.  I'm gonna miss you.JOSHI'm gonna miss you, too.SUSANYou won't even remember me.JOSHOh yes I will.SCENE 79JOSHMom?  Hello!MOMJosh?  Josh!  Josh!  Oh my God!  Oh, thank God you're home!JOSHOh Ma, I missed you all so much!SCENE 80JOSHI'm just not good enough.BILLYWhat are you talking about?  You've been hitting the ball over the fence almost every time in stick ball.  You just got to get used to a fatter bat.JOSHYou really think I could do it?BILLYYeah!JOSHCome on.  We'll hit some after supper.BILLYOkay.  I'll call you.134