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+The Cable Guyby Judd ApatowBased on a Screenplay byLou Holtz Jr.Shooting Script October 31, 1995 (White)Revised Pages November 13, 1995 (Blue)Revised Pages November 14, 1995 (Pink)1	FULL FRAME - WHITE NOISECredits begin. The entire frame is filled with white noise within which one can make out thefaint image of a television program. Every few moments the channel changes, revealing a new ghostly image.The camera pulls back very slowly. We reveal that this image is coming from a twenty seven inch television.The camera pulls back some more and we see a man's hand enter frame holding a remotecontrol. The hand changes channels frantically.The camera pulls back into its final position and we see STEVEN BARTOWSKY, thirtyyears old, sitting on his couch. He is trying to find a channel with viewable reception.Unfortunately for him ñ his cable is not hooked up.STEVE(looks at watch)Jesus, where's the cable guy already?END OF CREDIT SEQUENCE1A	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSIt is a stylish old apartment. There are half unpacked boxes strewn about the floor. Steven has just moved in. The phone rings.STEVEN(into the phone)Hello.2	NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUSWe see Steven's best friend RICK standing in the middle of a busy newsroom. He is a rough looking, cynical local news cameraman. In the background, hanging from the ceiling is a television set.ON THE TV - An anchorman sits at his desk fixing his hair as he waits to go on the air. A graphic on the screen says "Sam Sweet Trial Update."RICKHow's the move going?3	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSSteven unpacks as they speak. The phone call intercuts between the two locations.STEVENHorrible. The cable guy is missing inaction. Apparently he's going to be heresometime between eight AM and my death.RICKYou haven't called Robin have you?Please tell me you didn't call her.STEVEN(sarcastically)No, I'm giving her space.(beat)I can't believe she's doing this.RICKYou never should have asked her to marryyou. You're the mad smotherer.STEVENAll she had to do was say no. She didn'thave to kick me out. I feel like FelixUnger.RICKYou forced her to evaluate therelationship. If you didn't propose shewould never have realized how unhappy shewas.STEVEI don't want to talk about it.So what time are you going to come by?RICKI can't. I'm working double shifts therest of the week.STEVENIt's my first night here. Don't do thisto me.RICKThe other camera guy pulled out his back.Besides, I spent the last two weeks withyou on my couch. Isn't that enough?STEVENFine, fine.RICKOne piece of advice. Slip the cable guyfifty bucks, he'll give you all the moviechannels for free. Even the dirty ones.STEVENI couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff.What if he says no? I'll feel like anidiot.RICKNone of them say no, believe me. I'lltalk to you later.Steven hangs up, and waits.DISSOLVE TO:4	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATERSteven continues unpacking. He is very neat. He opens a box and finds a pictures of him with his ex-girlfriend. He looks at one sadly, considering whether or not to put it on display. He puts it back in the box.4A	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAYEstablishing shot of a renovated apartment building built in the nineteen twenties. A moving truck pulls into a gated side garage.5	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATERMovers deliver a small breakfast table and chairs. Steven directs them as to where to put them.CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 3:52 P.M.6	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATERSteven puts a few feet of tin foil on his antenna to help the reception. He changes channels. Still nothing. He pulls it off frustrated.7	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATERMany of the boxes are gone. Steven lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling, fidgeting. He is unable to fill his day without cable.STEVENWhere the hell is he?8	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATERSteven paces back and forth across the room. He stares at his watch frequently.CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 5:12 P.M.9	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATERSteven slowly eats a sandwich in his empty kitchen. He looks at the clock. It says five-thirty. He picks up the phone and dials. A machine picks up.ROBIN (VO)Hi, this is Robin. Leave a message. Ifyou are trying to reach Steven he can nowbe reached at 555-3837.Steven hangs up.10	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SUNSETSteven does sit ups. He looks at the clock.CLOSE UP OF THE CLOCK - 6:48 P.M.STEVEN(to himself)Forget it. Idiots.He gets up, and walks into the bathroom.11	INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATERSteven gets undressed. He turns on the shower, adjusts the heat, then gets in. He tries to lose his tension by letting the hot water engulf him. He takes some shampoo, and lathers up his hair.THE DOORBELL RINGSSTEVEN(annoyed)Oh great.THE DOORBELL RINGS SEVERAL TIMESSteven jumps out of the shower, soaking wet, throws on a bathrobe and runs to the door.STEVENDon't leave! I'm here! I'm here!12	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSSteven runs to the door.CABLE GUY (OS)Hello! Cable Guy!Steven reaches the door, and looks through the peep-hole.P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLEThe CABLE GUY is walking away.INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAYSteven opens the door and yells to the Cable Guy.(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)STEVENHey, wait!The Cable Guy turns back.CABLE GUYWell, look who decided to show up. I wasjust gonna go collect my retirementpension.The Cable Guy wears a clean white jump suit, and is extremely confident despite the fact that he speaks with a slight lisp. This lisp gives him a child-like quality.STEVENYou were supposed to be here four hoursago.CABLE GUYWas I? So I'm the tardy one. Good toknow.STEVENYes. I had to go to the Bed 'n Bathplace, but now it's closed.CABLE GUY(turns to leave)Maybe I shouldn't have come at all ñ jerkoff!(turns back smiling)I'm just joking. Let's do this.(looks around)Oh, the old McNair place. I never thoughtthey'd get the floors clean after whathappened here.STEVENWhat happened?CABLE GUY(long beat)They had a lot of cats.They walk into Steven's living room.CABLE GUYHey, this could be a cool pad. Here is acomment card.He pulls out a card, and hands it to Steven without turning back to look at him.CABLE GUYPlease mail it in when I am done.STEVENThese go to your boss?CABLE GUYNo, they go to me. I'm aperfectionissÖ perfectionissÖ(he strains to lose his lisp)perfectionissÖt.Now let's take a look at what we'redealing with.The Cable Guy walks around the room with his hands out, sensing the space.CABLE GUYCome on baby. Come on baby. Talk to mebaby. Tell me where you like it. That'sit baby.He zones in on one wall. He fells the wall in a sensuous manner.CABLE GUYHere's your sweet spot.He pulls out his drill, and begins drilling.CABLE GUYSo your lady kicked you out.STEVENWhat?CABLE GUYIn preparing your service I noticed youwere previously wired across town at 1268and a half Chestnut. Last week thebilling was transferred to one RobinHarris. Smells like heartbreak to me.STEVENI really don't want to talk about it withyou. Could you please just install mycable? I'm going to get dressed.CABLE GUYNo sweat.Steven walks away, into the hallway. A moment later the Cable Guy runs to him.CABLE GUYHey, I'm going to go to the hallway so Ican access the floorboards. Don't bespooked if you hear someone crawlingunderneath you.STEVENOkay, whatever.Steven walks toward his bedroom.CABLE GUYPut on your bathing suit 'cause you'll bechannel surfing in no time.The Cable Guy pulls the trigger on his drill twice to punctuate his joke.13	INT. - STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATERCLOSE UP - THE TELEVISIONRIKKI KLIEMAN from COURT TV broadcasts from their studio.RIKKI KLIEMAN(to camera)So ends day fifty-four of the trial offormer child star Sam Sweet who has beenaccused of shooting his twin brother,Stan, in cold blood. The twins werestars of the hit sitcom "Double Trouble"which aired from nineteen seventy-seventill nineteen eighty-four.A video package rolls in - We see several photographs of Sam Sweet and his twin brother at various ages. Included is the cast photo of "Double Trouble." Pictured in the photo are eight-year-old Stan and Sam and Conrad Janis as their single dad.We see a brief clip from "Double Trouble," starring the two eight-year-old boys, then a shot of Sam Sweet being taken out of a police car in handcuffs.RIKKI KLIEMAN(to camera)Life wasn't so sweet after the cancellationof their program. Hollywood chewed themup and spit them out. A frustrated Samturned to petty larceny, while his moreimpressionable brother, Stan, fell inwith a fringe cult called "TheBrotherhood of Friends." Reduced totabloid fodder a fury was growing insideof Sam. A burning need to be recognizedas an individual, not a person famous forhaving an identical twin. A need thattook the form of four shotgun blasts onthe night of November fourteenth. And sotoday his attorneys continue the unusualdefense of "Twin Envy."ANGLE ONSteven re-enters the room. The Cable Guy is watching television.STEVENHow's it going?The Cable Guy holds up one finger as if to say "quiet." His eyes never leave the TV.CABLE GUYGuilty, guilty, guilt-freakin-tee. Ihope they fry this bastard.Steven sees that the Cable Guy has completely redecorated the room in a fashion which makes the room impractical for anything other than watching television. The TV is now on the stairs blocking the entrance into the living room. All furniture faces the TV, making conversation impossible.STEVEN(looks around)What happened?CABLE GUY(jumps to his feet)The arrangement of your major appliancesand your furniture was causing some noisypics and hum bars in your reception. Imoved a few things. Cleared it right up.Is that cool?STEVEN(non-confrontational)IÖ guess so.CABLE GUYYou programmed?(off of Steven's look)Then let me slave your remotes.He picks up Steven's remotes, punches in a complicated series of commands, then points them at each other. As he holds them together he makes a face as if their power is surging through him.CABLE GUYOoh, maybe we should leave these twoalone.STEVENSo after this I'll only need one remotefor everything?CABLE GUYYou know you're pretty good at this. Youcould be a cable guy yourself.(he finishes)Now let me check your levels.With amazing alacrity he adjusts color setting, sound controls, closed captioned, etc. Then he clicks through the channels. A music video, documentary on Hitler, Oprah Winfrey Show, starving kids, Barney, court TV. The Cable Guy watches emotionless.CABLE GUYAll right. That about does it. I justhave some paperwork for you to fill out.Sign here.Steven does.CABLE GUYThat gave me power of attorney over you.(beat)Joking.Steven laughs. The Cable Guy joins him, but then continues to laugh way too hard for way too long. As the laugh ends it quickly turns into an awkward moment. The Cable Guy does not want to leave.CABLE GUYI'm about finished here.(beat)Okay. I feel good about this.Cable Guy walks to the door.STEVENOne thing.CABLE GUY(turns back immediately)Yeah!STEVENIÖ uhÖ I have this friend and he saidhe gave his cable guy fifty bucks and hegot free movie channels. Have you everheard of anything like that?CABLE GUY(deadly serious)You mean illegal cable?STEVENUhÖ yes.CABLE GUYWho told you that? I want his name.STEVENForget it.CABLE GUYYou're offering me a bribe? What youhave just done is illegal, and in thisstate if convicted, you could be finedfive-thousand dollars or spend six monthsin a correctional facility.STEVENPleaseÖ that was dumb. I was justmaking conversation ñCABLE GUY(laughs)I'm just jerking your chain. Wake uplittle snoozy. I'll juice you up. Allit is is a push of a button.He puts his arm around Steven and walks him toward the front door.STEVENOh, great. How much?CABLE GUYDon't worry about it. I couldn't chargeyou. Your girl just booted you.Consider it one guy doing another guy asolid.STEVENThat is so nice.CABLE GUYHey, you're a 'nice' guy. You'd besurprised how many customers treat youlike shit, like I'm a god damn plumber orsomething.(hands him a card)Here is my personal beeper number. It'sjust for my preferred customers. Nevercall the company, they'll just put you onhold.STEVENThanks. Really.(holds up comment card - jokes)You're gonna get some good marks here.CABLE GUYMaybe some day I'll take you out to thesatellite and show you how all this stuffworks. It's really incredible.STEVENSure. We should do that one day.CABLE GUYHow 'bout tomorrow?STEVENTomorrow? Tomorrow's not good.CABLE GUYWhat are you going to do, sit home andstew about your ex?STEVENNo.CABLE GUY(insulted)Oh, okay. I guess I crossed the line.Sorry.STEVEN(guilty)You didn't cross the line.CABLE GUYNo? Cool. I'll pick you up at six-thirty.On the flip side.The Cable Guy leaves before Steven can reconsider. Steven cannot believe he just got roped into that.(End Revision - Pink)14	INT. CITYWIDE LAND DEVELOPERS - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAYSteven is in the middle of a presentation to his co-workers. His boss, HAL DANIELS, looks impressed.Steven pulls a sheet off of an architect's model of a condominium complex.STEVENÖThere are twenty-four classrooms; eachcan be converted into a 1400 square foothome. The facility has two tennis courts,an Olympic size pool and full gym, with astage if the residents decide they wantto perform "Oklahoma."Everyone laughs. Steven is very good at his job.STEVENThe kitsch appeal of living in an oldschoolhouse should be very attractive toyoung, upwardly mobile home buyers. Andmost important, the structure isavailable in foreclosure. If we put downa cash bid, we're going to steal thisthing.There is a pause, then everyone applauds. Mr. Daniels walks over to Steven and puts a proud arm around him. They speak as the meeting breaks up.MR. DANIELSGreat work Steve-o. So you're feelinggood?STEVEYeah.MR. DANIELSDid I hear something about you havingsome troubles at home?STEVERobin and I have been having a difficulttime. I moved out, but I really thinkit's only temporary.MR. DANIELSGotcha. I love this project, but it's abig mother. Know what I mean? If itfails, corporate's going to have my ass.I've got confidence in you, but you hearwhere I'm coming from, bro?STEVENAbsolutely. Now I've got more time thanever. It's a good thing.(laughs)I know I can pull this thing off.MR. DANIELS(playfully)Then what are you doing talking to me?You've got a lot of work to do. Get toit!STEVENThank you. I will.Hal goes down the stairs to his office. Steven watches him disappear, then turns to his secretary, JOAN.STEVENI'll be right back.14A	INT. SASSY MAGAZINE OFFICES - DAYSteven walks through the halls looking for Robin's office.15	OMITTED16	INT. ROBIN'S OFFICE AT SASSY MAGAZINE - DAYROBIN HARRIS, an attractive woman in her late twenties, sits at her desk at "Sassy Magazine." Her office is fairly nice, but she is definitely not at the upper level of the company yet. There are papers spread all over her desk. On her walls are pictures from the magazine, and articles she has written.Steven peeks his head in her door.STEVENHello.Robin's face drops.ROBINSteven, what are you doing here?STEVENI was just in the area. Thought I'd popby. How's work? How'd the big teen crusharticle come out?(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)ROBINThey liked it.(beat)I thought we agreed we weren't going tosee each other for a month.STEVENI know, it's just Daniels accepted myproposal to renovate the old schoolhouse.ROBINThat's wonderful, congratulations.STEVENI know I'm breaking the rules, but comehave dinner with me tonight to celebrate.ROBINI don't think we should.STEVENCome on, this is the biggest day of mycareer.ROBINDon't put me in this position.STEVENWhat position? I want to share this withyou.ROBIN(feeling pressured)I love you, but I need to take some timeon my own to see how I feel. You agreedto this. I meanÖ this is exactly why webroke up, because you never listen to me.STEVEWhat? Now we're broken up? Whathappened to 'trial separation?'ROBINI can't get into this now. If you haven'tnoticed, I'm at work.STEVESorry to disturb you.He turns to leave.(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)ROBIN(sincerely)Steven. Congratulations. I know howmuch this means to you. You deserve it.STEVENThanks.He leaves.17	OMITTED17A	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SIX-THIRTY P.M.Steven is watching television. He looks lonely and depressed. He clicks around in a daze, never stopping for more than a second.He hears a horn honking outside.CABLE GUY (OS)Steven!!!! Stev-ey!!!! Let's go!!!!ON THE TV - A commercial for Medieval Times Restaurant.Steven walks over to the window and sees The Cable Guy standing in front of his van, leaning in his window honking the horn.CABLE GUYSteven!!!!(waves)Hey buddy!!! Come on down!!!Steven waves and then steps back from the window. He doesn't know what to do. He looks at the television.ON THE TV - The local news.REPORTERComing up next a special report,"Loneliness, America's Silent Killer."Steven looks back out the window and sees the Cable Guy smiling and waving for him to come down.STEVEN(begins walking to the door)What the hell.18	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSKSteven walks from his apartment to the customized van. On the side of the white van it says, "The Cable Company - Get Wired Today."STEVENHow's it going?CABLE GUYHowdy partner. Climb aboard.Steven gets in.19	INT. VAN - CONTINUOUSThe van drives onto the main boulevard.CABLE GUYThanks for coming out. You know mostpeople think cable is just a simple co-axthat comes out of the wall. They nevertake the time to understand how it works.STEVENWhere exactly are we goin?CABLE GUYWe're going to take a ride on theinformation superhighway.20	EXT. CITY - DUSKBirds eye P.O.V., shot follows the Cable Guy's van as it drives through the city.CABLE GUYÖIt all started in Lansford,Pennsylvania where Panther ValleyTelevision, with the assistance of JerrodElectronics, created the first cabletelevision system.The van drives up into the hills, finally revealing a huge satellite dish on top of a small mountain, overlooking the entire city.CABLE GUYI went to Lansford once. It's the CableGuy's Mecca. It was very emotional.21	EXT. WOODED AREA - DUSKSteven and the Cable Guy get out of the van, and walk down a trail.CABLE GUYI come here to think sometimes. To clearmy head.They turn a corner and the satellite dish is right in front of them. It is enormous. Next to it is a one-hundred and fifty foot antenna. Next to that is a small fenced-in shack where the satellite's controls are located.CABLE GUYThere she is. Right now she's sendingentertainment and information to millionsof satisfied citizens.STEVENThat's pretty impressive.CABLE GUYSee, I knew the moment I met you thatyou would appreciate this.The Cable Guy runs to the dish. A few seconds later he appears inside of it.CABLE GUY(with wonder)The future is now. Soon every Americanhome will integrate their television,phone, and computer. You'll be able tovisit the Louvre on one channel, andwatch female mud wrestling onanother. You can do your shopping athome, or play Mortal Kombat with a friendin Vietnam. There's no end to thepossibilities.(waves to Steven)Come on up! What are you waiting for?!22	INT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHTThe Cable Guy and Steven are lying in the middle of the dish, looking up at the night sky.CABLE GUYSometimes I'll sit here and imagine thatthere are billions of bits of informationsurging through me.STEVENI've watched a lot of TV in my life. Iguess I've always taken it for granted.CABLE GUYWhen I was a kid my mom worked nights.Never met dad. But the old TV was alwaysthere for me.STEVENI know what you mean. My dad was there,but he might as well have been gone. Mymom is a stewardess. She was always outof town.CABLE GUY(moved)That's tough. You must have a lot ofabandonment issues. Reality isn't "FatherKnows Best," it's a kick in the face onSaturday night. But what doesn't kill usmakes us stronger, right?STEVEN(tentative)You know my brother's a speech therapist.The Cable Guy sits up. He looks angry.CABLE GUYSo?There is a long silence. Steven doesn't know how to react.STEVENNever mind.The Cable Guy sits back down and pretends Steven never mentioned it.CABLE GUY(beat)So, you're pretty love struck about yourlady, huh?STEVENI miss her. I asked her to marry me, andshe asked me to move out.CABLE GUYI hate that.STEVENShe said she felt pressured. Can youbelieve that?CABLE GUYWomen are a labyrinth. Can I be frank? Idon't think you listen to her. I thinkyou try to tell her what she wants tohear. She wants you to thirst forknowledge about who she is. All thecomplicated splendor that is woman. Whenyour love is truly giving, it will comeback to you ten-fold.STEVENYou're right. That is remarkablyinsightful.CABLE GUYYeah, it was Jerry Springer's finalthought on Friday's show.23	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATERThe van pulls up in front of Steven's apartment building.CABLE GUYYou know what? Women are suckers for"Sleepless in Seattle." It's on HBO thismonth. That's your bait right there.STEVENRobin loves that movie.CABLE GUYThey all do. Next time you talk to hertell her you're cooking yourself dinner,and watching it by yourself. Sound likeyou're happier than a pig in shit.She'll come running. Betcha. Then justplay it cool.STEVENMaybe I will.Steven gets out of the car.STEVENThanks a lot. I'm embarrassed to saythis, but I don't know your name. Whatis it?CABLE GUY(touched)You really want to know my name? You do?Really? It's Ernie Douglas. But myfriends call me Chip.STEVENI'll see ya' Chip.Before he can exit the van, the Cable Guy is staring him in the eyes.CABLE GUYLet's just remember right now. You knowsome people walk through their entirelives and never find a true friend.(long pause)I guess we're the lucky ones.(End Revised - Pink)STEVEN'S P.O.V. - The Cable Guy is in slow motion. He blinks once.STEVENUhÖ good-bye.CABLE GUYLater buddy. I'll catch ya' on theflip side.Steven exits the van feeling a little uncomfortable.24	INT. COFFEEHOUSE - NEXT DAYSteven and Robin are talking. Robin does not look happy to see him.STEVENI don't listen to you. I pretend tounderstand but I'm really just sayingwhat I think you want to hear. So fromnow on I'm going to try my best to listenmore because I do love you and aminterested in learning about every detailabout the complicated splendor that isyou.Robin looks at him, somewhat shocked.ROBINOh.STEVENI want us to get back together, but I cansee why taking this time might be goodfor us. So, I'm not mad.After a long beat, Robin smiles.ROBINSometimes time apart is healthy.STEVENYou're right. Well, that's what I camehere to say. Look, I've got to get backto the office.He starts getting up.ROBINSo, are you doing anything tomorrow?STEVENI'm just going to cook myself dinner andwatch a movie. "Sleepless in Seattle" ison cable.ROBINReally?STEVENIf you're around you should drop by andcheck out the new apartment.ROBINOkay, maybe I will.He exits the room. As he does we see a television broadcasting the Sweet case.ON MTV - Sam Sweet sits behind the defendant's table. TABITHA SOREN is giving the news update.TABITHA SORENToday in the Sam Sweet case theprosecution played the 911 call that SamSweet made the night he murdered hisbrother. Keep in mind, he confessed onemonth later.The courtroom listens to a 911 phone call. The transcription is seen on the screen.SAM SWEET V ON THE TAPE(crying and babbling)Hello, please send help. My twin brotherhas been shot.911 OPERATORSlow down sir. What happened?SAM SWEETOh my god, they shot him with a shot gunfour times. I mean I think it was ashotgun. Who would do such a thing?! Ithink it was an Asian gang or something.They were speaking some other language.Sam leans over and whispers something in his lawyer's ear.TABITHA SORENHmm. Who indeed? Coming up next, a rareinterview with Michael Jackson's zoo-keeper.25	INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAYSteven is playing a pick-up, full court basketball game with some of his friends. It is a competitive, but friendly game. Steven is on skins, Rick is on shirts.STEVENHere, here, here.A player passes to Steven. Rick is covering him. Steven drives to the basket and puts in a lay up.RICK(to himself)Shit! My fault! My fault!STEVENNot your fault. I'm in the zone. Thereis no stopping me today.Play begins again. A player named JEFF takes the ball out, then passes to a heavy-set player who catches the ball, then drives to the basket. When he does he twists his ankle, dropping the ball. The ball rolls out of bounds into a dark corner of the gym. We follow it as it rolls on the ground until it hits a man's sneaker. A pair of hands pick up the ball. The camera tilts up the man's body. It is the Cable Guy. He is holding another ball. He starts dribbling the two balls in a circular pattern.CABLE GUYHey, you guys play here, too? Cool. Iwas just in the neighborhood. Thought I'drun the court for a couple of innings.RICK(gestures to injured player)Great. We need another man.STEVENThis isÖ Chip DouglasÖ my cable guy.Rick smiles in recognition.CABLE GUYWe met about a week ago during a routineinstallation, but I feel like I've knownhim my whole life.Steven can't believe this is happening.RICKOh really. That's sweet. All right ChipDouglas, you're on shirts. Let's play.CABLE GUYNo, I want to be on Steven's team. I'mskins.The Cable Guy quickly takes off his shirt. Steven looks shocked because underneath his clothes he is rippled with muscles. The dichotomy between his nerdy face, and his awesome physique is scary.JEFFI don't care, I'll be shirts. Let's justplay.CABLE GUYWait a sec'. I've got to warm up.The Cable Guy starts running wind sprints across the court, touching all the main lines. Everyone stares at him until he finishes.CABLE GUYLet's get it on!STEVENAre you any good?CABLE GUYFeed me under the boards and you'll findout.Play begins. The shirts inbound to Jeff. The Cable Guy is all over him, covering him as tightly as humanly possible. He keeps his hands near Jeff's face, whacks him in the back as he dribbles, etc. He couldn't be more annoying. Jeff passes to Rick who drives to the basket and puts up a shot which goes in. Rick and Jeff slap hands.CABLE GUY(doing the traveling hand signal)Traveling! That's traveling!RICKYeah, whatever you say Chip.Everyone runs down the court, ignoring him.CABLE GUYAll right, so we're playing that type ofgame. Prison rules. I get it.Steven takes the ball out. The cable Guy runs around the court, attempting to get open. He criss crosses all over the court.CABLE GUYFeed me the rock! Feed me the rock! I'mopen!Steven passes to the Cable Guy, who drives to the basket, pushing Jeff out of the way in the process. The ball goes in.CABLE GUY(does the foul hand signal)And one! That's definitely a foul!(to Jeff)You want to mug me, my wallet is in myother pants.STEVEN(to Cable Guy)What are you doing?CABLE GUYDon't play from fear Steven. We can takethese guys.MUSIC UP - SLOW MOTION - STEVEN'S P.O.V.a. The shirts put a shot which doesn't go in. The Cable Guy swings his elbows wildly as he pulls it down.b. The Cable Guy drives to the basket in slow motion violently taking down two men, including Rick.c. Rick drives to the basket. On his way he fakes out Steven who falls to the floor. Rick scores. The Cable guy helps Steven up. As the Cable Guy walks across the court he bangs shoulders with Rick.d. The cable Guy passes the ball to Steven, then sets a nasty pick against Rick, who goes down hard.CABLE GUYTake it to the hole!Steven is so un-nerved by the Cable Guy's behavior that he misses a simple lay up. Steven grabs his own rebound. When he puts up a second shot, Rick gently fouls him. Steven stumbles to the ground. The ball does not go in.CABLE GUYHey, are you okay?He pulls Steven up.STEVENYeah. I'm fine.CABLE GUYLet's switch. I'll cover Rick.The cable Guy gets in Rick's face and gives him a death stare.Steven takes out the ball. He passes to a teammate who passes it to the Cable Guy who drives to the basket, then literally steps on Rick's back and leaps into the air and dunks the ball.RICK(enraged)What the hell was that? That's it. I'vehad enough.Everyone begins to exit the court.JEFFThanks for bringing your "friend".The Cable Guy runs up to Rick.CABLE GUYGood game.(slaps Rick on the butt)You were tough out there. Your playbrought me up to a higher level. I meanthat.RICK(dismissive)Yeah.He shakes his head and exits with the rest of the players.STEVENWhat are you doing?CABLE GUYIt was payback time. I was protectingyou.(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)STEVENYou ruined the game.CABLE GUYI don't appreciate your tone Steven.That's not the way friends speak to eachother.STEVENWhat are you talking about? I don't evenknow you!CABLE GUYWell let's fix that. Let me buy you aHeineken?STEVENNo, I'm going home.Steven turns to leave.CABLE GUYWell, uh, I guess we'll talk later. I'vegot to go shower up and do some stuff.I'll call you if I get a chance. Or youcall meÖ or something.The Cable guy puts his hand up for Steven to high five. Steven slaps it halfheartedly. Then the cable guy extends his palm out low by his knee.CABLE GUYAnd down low.Steven stares at it for a beat. The cable Guy waits. He'll wait as long as it takes. Finally Steven gives him a low five just so he can leave.CABLE GUY(pulls his hand away so Steven misses it)Too slow. Have a good one.STEVEN(as he walks away)Yeah, have a good one.26	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NEXT NIGHTSteven runs in with a small bag of groceries. He is dressed for a date. He pulls out a bottle of wine. He opens the oven, and checks on dinner. It is almost ready. Then he checks his message machine as he prepares the meal. He begins chopping an onion.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)MESSAGE VOICEYou have eleven messages.STEVEN'S MOTHER(ON THE MACHINE)Steven, it's mom. Give me a call. I'mstill your mother.STEVEN'S FATHER(ON THE MACHINE)I'm getting on. Steven call your mother.CABLE GUY(ON THE MACHINE)Hey Steven. Just checking in. Give me aring. I'm at 555-4329.(beep)What's up Steven? I'm at a pay phone. Ifyou're there pick up. Pick up. Pick up.Okay, I'll be home later. I'll talk toyou then.Steven stops chopping.CABLE GUY(ON THE MACHINE)(beep)Okay I'm home now. Give me a buzz whenyou get in. I'll be here pretty much allnight. Bye.(beep tone)Hey Steven. Quick question, give me acall when you get a chance.(beep tone)I was just taking a whiz, thought youmight have called. Okay later.(beep tone)Sorry, I had call waiting, didn't get toit, thought it might have been you. Allright, bye.Steven is beginning to get a little wigged out by this. He fast forwards through a sampling of the rest of the calls.CABLE GUY(fast forwards)ÖWe're having ourselves quite a littlegame of phone tag here. You're it!(fast forwards)ÖI was just blow drying my hair and Ithought I heard the phone ringing.(fast forwards)Öyou're a tough man to reach.(fast forwards)I guess you're too busy to call yourfriends.(Revision Ends - Blue)Steven fast forwards the machine. All he hears is sighing. Then ñCABLE GUY(ON THE MACHINE)(long beat - then quiet and distant)Shit.The doorbell rings. Steven takes a deep breath then opens the door. It is Robin. She is dressed casually, but looks beautiful.STEVENHey, good to see you.There is an awkward moment where Steven intentionally doesn't kiss her hello.STEVENCome on in. What do you think of theplace?She looks at the odd placement of furniture.ROBINYou made some interesting choices layingout the room.STEVEN(embarrassed)That's actually where the movers put thefurniture. I'm gonna change it, very soon.ROBINNo, I like it.27	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATERThe food is all eaten. Steven and Robin are sitting on the couch having an awkward conversation.ROBINSo how's work?STEVENWork's good.ROBINHow's Hal?STEVENDon't get me started. That guy has novision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.He's just worthless.ROBINIt's just great that you're getting to doit. It's a real step up.STEVENI know. Now if only someone at corporatesmartened up enough to dump Hal, then Icould really get some stuff done.ROBINIt's nice to see you doing so well.STEVENWell, it's nice just to see you.(looks at his watch)Hey, it should be starting.They sit on the couch. Robin moves to sit in closer to Steven. Steven turns on the television. The screen is filled with white noise. The sound is loud static. He changes channels looking for the signal. Then fumbles with the remote control as he attempts to lower the volume.STEVENDamn cable is out. Son of a bitch.ROBINIt's alright. We can watch it anothernight.STEVENNo, no. We really should see it now.Now's a good time.He plays with the remote, hoping it will magically come back. It doesn't.STEVENWait, wait. I know what to do.He walks over to the phone, then pulls the Cable Guy's beeper number out of his wallet. He dials it, then presses the number in.STEVENThe Cable Guy's a friend of mine. I'lljust page him. We'll have this fixed inno time.(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)Steven dials the Cable Guy's beeper number into the phone. The moment he is finished dialing ñTHERE IS A KNOCK - THE CAMERA WHIP PANS TO THE DOORSteven walks to the door and opens it. Standing there is the Cable Guy looking dark and disturbed, different than we've ever seen him before. Steven is startled.STEVENThat wasÖ fast.CABLE GUYIs there a problem with your service?STEVENYeahÖ my cable went out.Steven pushes him out into the hall.CABLE GUYReally?The Cable Guy holds up a cut cable cord.CABLE GUYSo you called me. Interesting how youcall when you need something. Is that howyou treat people?STEVENI've been really busy. You've got to getmy cable going, Robin is here. This isreally important.He peeks in to get a look at Robin. They make momentary eye contact. Steven pushes him back out.CABLE GUYBut calling me back isn't?STEVENI'm sorry. Please, you've got to help me.CABLE GUYWhy should I help you? I gave you freecable. What have you ever done for me?STEVENAnything you want. Name it ñ quickly.CABLE GUYTomorrow night, we hang out.STEVENFine, whatever you want.CABLE GUYGod bless you. You're too good to me.The Cable Guy walks over to a fuse type box, turns one knob, then walks back to Steven.CABLE GUY(loud-normally)All set.STEVENSo what's with the cut cord?CABLE GUY(nonchalantly)That's for effect. See ya' tomorrowSteven.(conspiratorially)She's pretty. And don't kiss her. Don'teven touch her. Fight the urge at allcosts. It will pay off later withÖHe makes a motion which implies sex.CABLE GUYEnjoy the flick.The Cable Guy walks away. Steven walks back inside.ROBINWho was that?STEVENNobody.Steven sits down next to Robin. Robin moves next to him. Steven looks very happy.28	ON THE TVA scene from the film "Sleepless in Seattle."The camera pulls out and reveals the Cable Guy watching the film in the back of his van ñ alone. We cannot see much of the inside of the van because the only light is that of the television, but we can tell that he lives there.29	(SCENE 29 OMITTED)30	EXT. PARKING LOT - DUSKThe Cable Guy and Steven walk across a parking lot. Steven has his eyes closed.CABLE GUYSorry about yesterday. I was in kind ofa weird mood. How'd things go with you?Keep 'em closed.STEVENPretty well. We'll see. Look, about theother night. I didn't appreciate you --CABLE GUYDon't peek. I want this to be asurprise.STEVENI really don't need to be surprised.Where are we going?CABLE GUYOnly the best restaurant in town.They walk around a corner.CABLE GUYOkay, here we are. Open sesame.Steven opens his eyes.The camera moves behind then and reveals an enormous faux castle with a big sign on it which says "MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT."STEVENMedieval Times?CABLE GUYI know what you're thinking. Don'tworry, I'm buying.31	INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATERThe Cable Guy and Steven are walking to their table. All the seating overlooks a large, circular arena, the kind a rodeo is held in. The entire restaurant/arena is designed in Medieval themed decor. All of the staff are dressed as knights, sorcerers, royalty, etc.(Revision Ends - Pink)STEVENFunny. I never thought I would evercome here.CABLE GUYI love this place. I come here twice aweek.A Hispanic woman with a large butt walks by. The Cable Guy is transfixed.CABLE GUYOh man, that's my look. I love bigbutts. Ow, that hurts.He grabs his crotch and squeezes, as if it's the only way he can control himself.CABLE GUYThere oughta be a law. Man she is hot.It's just not fair.STEVEN(gestures to him squeezing his crotch)Please don't.CABLE GUYYou know what I need right now? Pooooontang. And I'm not talking about theplace in Vietnam.STEVENGood to know.They sit down. The WAITRESS walks over. She is dressed in peroid clothes, but is not enthusiastic about her job.WAITRESS(flatly)Welcome to Medieval Times. My name isMelinda. I'll be your serving wench.May I get you something from the barkeep?CABLE GUY(too into it)Dost thou have a mug of ale for meand me mate? He has been pitched inbattle for a fortnight an has a King'sthirst for the beer thust thou might havefor thust.WAITRESS(uninspired)I'll be right back my lord.The Cable Guy puts something together.CABLE GUYThere you go.He hands Steven a paper crown. They both put theirs on.STEVENThanks for the help.The Cable Guy sees something. His eyes widen.CABLE GUYSteven, don't turn around, but there is awoman eyeing you like you are a piece ofmeat and she hasn't eaten in a week.Steven acts like he isn't interested, but he is.STEVENReally? What does she look like?CABLE GUYShoe's a hottie. I wish she was checkingme out. Man -- she is on fire! Totalrobo-babe.STEVENAre you serious?CABLE GUYDon't look.STEVENI've got to look.CABLE GUYOkay, but play it cool. Just turn likeyou are looking for the waitress.Steven puts up his hand, and turns as if he's going to call for the waitress. He sees the woman. She is in her sixties, and probably wasn't attractive at any stage of her life. Steven turns back to the cable Guy, annoyed.CABLE GUYHa-ha. I'm just messing with your mind.But you fell for it man. You are onehorny Indian Chief.STEVEN(not laughing)You got me.CABLE GUYSo what did you want to rap about?The trumpets go off, the lights go down and the show begins.CABLE GUYHold that thought. Show's on.The Cable Guy turns and looks at a stage that stands at one end above the arena.32	ON THE STAGE - A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE ALAN RICKMAN IN "ROBIN HOOD" SPEAKS TO THE CROWDHOSTWelcome to a magnificent journey into thepast. This is Medieval Times!The entire crowd, filled completely with white trash tourists, applauds.HOSTAre you prepapred for a night of feastingand sport the likes of which ye willnever forget?!The audience applauds.HOSTI charge you to stand up on your feet andcheer for your section's knight!ON THE STANDS - Each section of the crowd is painted a color that corresponds with a knight. The Cable Guy stands up and cheers like he is at a wrestling match. Steven remains seated.CABLE GUYLet the games begin! The Red Knightrules! Blue Knight! You're going down!Going down!An embarrassed Steven applauds politely. The Cable Guy sits down.33	INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATERON THE FLOOR - In the center of the room two Knights are fighting with swords while on horseback.ON STEVEN AND THE CABLE GUY - They are eating whole chickens with their bare hands while watching the show.STEVEN(to the Watiress)Could I get a knife and fork?WAITRESSThere were no utensils in Medieval Times,so there are no utensils at 'MedievalTimes.' Do you want a refill on thatPepsi?STEVENThere were no utensils, but there wasPepsi?WAITRESSLook, I have a lot of tables to get to.The waitress exits.CABLE GUY(stands up - yells to the competitors)Spill his blood! Take his kead! Show nomercy!The two knights fight with swords. After a few moments of battle the Red Knight wins.The crowd erupts. The Cable Guy goes crazy.CABLE GUY(to Steven)Come on, get into it, we won!Releuctantly, Steven stands up and applauds.STEVEN(halfheartedly)Way to go Red Knight. Good job ofkilling. Good work.Steven and the Cable Guy sit down.CABLE GUYSo, what were you saying before?STEVEN(tentatively)How do I put this? I've really enjoyedhanging out with you, but...CABLE GUYThat's why I became a cable guy. To makefriends like you. Every time I walk up toa new door, that door is a possibilityfor friendship. When I walked in yourapartment I knew there was somethingthere. I just knew it.STEVEN(sotto)Oh lord.(tries to get back on track)I want you to know --The lights change. Trumpets play a fanfare. The host walks out onto the stage, interrupting Steven.HOSTWe have reached the climax of ourcompetition good people! Now, two noblemen from our audience will battle to thedeath to resolve a grievance. Will aMaster...(looks at his clipboard)Steven M. Bartowsky and Lord ErnieDouglas make you way to the fightingpit!A spotlight shines on them. Steven is shocked.STEVENWhat's going on?CABLE GUYWe're going to do battle. It'll be fun.STEVENIs this a normal part of the show?CABLE GUYNo, but I give all the Knights freecable. They said it would be cool if wejust went at it for a little while.Two PIMPLY FACED SERFS from the show come and lead them away.STEVENIs this safe?CABLE GUYThat's what the armor's for.34	INT. FIGHTING PIT - LATERSteven and the Cable Guy are being dressed in armor by the two serfs. The Cable Guy could not be happier. Steven is freaked out.STEVENWhat are we supposed to do? We've got tobe careful we don't hurt each other.The Cable Guy doesn't answer him. He has his game face on.CABLE GUYI cannot listen to any of yourinstructions for you are my sworn enemy,and are about to meet your demise.Before Steven can answer him the trumpets blare.HOSTLet the battle begin. Come now people,let me hear your voices!The crowd cheers. Music plays. The serfs hand them each a sword and shield, then walk them to the center of the pit.The Cable Guy crouches in a war-like position. He begins to circle Steven like a cat. Steven mirrors him, not sure of what to do.STEVENJust take it easy.The Cable Guy runs at Steven, and swings his sword. In fear, Steven puts his shield over his head. The sword smashes into it sending sparks into the air. The Cable Guy darts toward Steven and pokes him several times with his sword. Each time Steven blocks it with either his sword or his shield.STEVEN(enraged)What are you doing?!CABLE GUY(matter of fact)I'm trying to kill you.The Cable Guy grabs a mace (a stick with a chain and ball attached to it) off of a weapon filled wall and runs at Steven, swinging with abandon. Steven blocks the deadly mace with his shield.STEVENHey, watch it!The Cable Guy leaps onto Steven. Then he speaks into his ear as he pushes him down onto the ground.CABLE GUYThis is just like when Spock had to fightKirk on 'Star Trek.' Best friends forcedto do battle.Steven gets angry and pushes the Cable Guy off of him. He swings at the Cable Guy with his sword, just missing him. The Cable Guy rolls on the ground and pops back up in the air.CABLE GUYThat's the spirit. Let's give 'em a goodshow.Steven charges at the Cable Guy, swinging wildly. It is a real battle now. He bangs away at the Cable Guy's mace until he knocks it out of his hands. The Cable Guy runs backwards, then falls on the ground.By the look in his eyes we can tell that the Cable Guy's feelings are hurt.CABLE GUYSo that's how it's gonna be, huh? Allright. If you want to play rought, Daddycan play rough.The Cable Guy charges at Steven with his shield. He upper cuts the shield to Steven's face, sending him to the ground.The Cable Guy runs to the wall and grabs a huge battle ax, a four foot long stick with a fancy silver blade on the end of it. He swings it in circles like a Japanese master. Steven grabs a similar weapon, and then begin to circle each other.STEVENChip, this isn't funny! Will you stopit!CABLE GUYThe name is Spock. If we don't battle tothe death, they'll kill us both. Good-byeJim.He swings his sword, and they battle 'Star Trek' style. The Cable Guy begins to sing the "Star Trek Battle Music" as they fight.STEVENThis isn't 'Star Trek!'MUSIC UP: STAR TREK BATTLE MUSICThey bang the handles of their battle axes together, jockeying for position. The Cable Guy pushes Steven away from him, then takes a huge swing, but Steven leaps in the air over the blade. The Cable Guy swings over his head, and Steven blocks it with his ax handle. They continue to swing and roll in a vicious battle.Then the Cable Guy takes a swing which Steven is unable to block. The battle ax cuts through part of Steven's protection.STEVEN(looking down)Jesus.The Cable Guy runs to a horses' entrance. There is a long pause, and then we hear the sound of pounding horse hooves. A moment later the Cable Guy rides out on a horse holding a jousting stick.The show's host runs up to Steven.HOSTQuickly, muster a top your steed.(Steven doesn't move - the host drops character)Get on the god damn horse! I don't thinkhe's kidding!Left with no choice, Steven jumps on a horse and grabs a joust. The host smacks Steven's horse sending it straight toward the charging Cable Guy.STEVENDon't do this!CABLE GUYJim, we have no choice!STEVENOh my god.They run toward each other. A horrible game of chicken. Neither gives in. When they reach one another Steven knocks the Cable Guy off his horse with his jousting stick.The Cable Guy flies through the air, lands on his back. Steven rides to him. Jumps off his horse, throws off his helmet.STEVEN(concerned)Are you okay?The Cable Guy sits up and smile at him.CABLE GUYWell done good sir. You are the victor,but we shall meet again.The two serfs put Steven on a chair connected to two poles. They carry him to the center of the arena in victory. The crowd cheers wildly. Steven feels the adrenaline rush. He holds up his arms in triumph, and smiles.DISSOLVE TO LATER:35	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHTThey are walking up the stairs.CABLE GUYYou've got a real warrior's instinct.STEVENI've got to admit there's a real feelingof power holding that jousting stick.CABLE GUYIf Robin saw you tonight, she would bebegging you to take her back. I'mtelling you these knights get laid allthe time.STEVENWe should go again next week.CABLE GUYEasy there Lancelot.Steven opens the door to his apartment.36	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSSteven pops into the kitchen and hits a button on his answering machine.MACHINEYou have zero messages.CABLE GUYNobody loves ya.(grabs a beer from the fridge)Hey, I think I left my staple gun in theliving room the other day. Could you bea pal?Steven walks to the living room.36AA	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSSteven turns on the lights.CABLE GUYWhat do you think?Steven's entire stereo system and TV have been replaced with a sixty-five inch television, laser disc player, karaoke machine and a brand new stereo system. All top of the line.STEVENWhat is this?CABLE GUYI took the liberty of updating your inhome entertainment system. I got you thebig screen, plus THX quality sound thatwould make George Lucas cream in hispants.STEVENYou went in my house when I wasn't home?CABLE GUYHow else was I supposed to get the stuffin here? Magic?STEVENHow much did this cost?CABLE GUYPractically nothing. I have a connection.Preferred customer. I hook him up, hehooks me up.STEVENLook, I can't accept this. I wouldn'tfeel right.CABLE GUYYes but you give me something so muchmore valuableÖ friendship.STEVENAnd you've given me friendship, so we'reeven.(beat)Really, don't take it personally, butyou've got to take it back.CABLE GUY(sadly)Well, my buddy with the pick-up truckworks all week. Is it all right if Ileave it here till Saturday?STEVEN(guilty)Sure, no problem. And don't get mewrong. I really appreciate the gesture.CABLE GUYMm-hmm.(beat)Staple gun?STEVENOh, right.Steven picks up the staple gun. The Cable Guy pulls out a leather pouch. Steven drops the staple gun in the pouch. The Cable Guy never touches it.36A	INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - NEXT DAYSteven dials the phone. On his computer screen a graphic reads "HELLO STEVEN - HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY."STEVEN(into the phone)Robin, it's Steven again. I'm stilltrying to reach you. Okay, I'm at work.Call me.He hangs up. He is getting frustrated. The door opens. Hal Daniels sticks his head in, but does not enter.MR. DANIELSHow's it going?STEVENGood.MR. DANIELS(long beat)Good good?STEVENGreat.MR. DANIELSGood. Keep it up.He leaves. The phone rings.SECRETARY(through the intercom)Robin on line two.Steven lights up. He takes a deep breath, then answers the phone.STEVENHey, I had the best time the other night.When am I going to get you on my couchagain?36B	INT. VAN - DAYThe Cable Guy is driving around. He speaks on a cellular phone.CABLE GUYWell tonight's not looking too good. Howabout tomorrow?STEVENChip?CABLE GUYI knew I'd get you on the phone that way.Listen, that equipment will be historythe day after tomorrow. It sure would bea pity to leave that karaoke machine avirgin.STEVENWhat do you mean?CABLE GUYTomorrow night, you are having a karaokejam. No ifs ands or buts. Well maybe afew butts. Later gator.37	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SATURDAY NIGHTCLOSE UP - AN OLD MAN'S FACE INTENSELY SINGING "AMERICAN WOMAN."We pull out to reveal we are in Steven's living room. It is populated with about twenty odd looking misfits mingling and dancing to the music. Among them we see Rick looking very uncomfortable.37AA	INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUSSteven is on the phone. He is dressed up. Occasionally a misfit enters and grabs a drink from the fridge.STEVENHey Robin. What's up? Did you get mymessage?37A	INT. - ROBIN'S APARTMENT - INTERCUTThe scene intercuts between the two locations. Robin is dressed up, and on her way out.ROBINYes. You left me five messages. It kingof freaked me out.STEVENSorry. I've been trying to reach you'cause I'm having a party.You've got to come over.ROBIN(listens for a beat)I can't. I'm going to dinner withsomeone.STEVENDinner? What, like a date?ROBINNot really a date.STEVENYou've got a date?! I thought thingswere going well between us.ROBINThey are.STEVENSo why are you going out on a date?ROBINI made it before we got together theother night. I knew you would freak out.STEVENI'm not freaking out.ROBINYes, you are freaking out.STEVENI'm not. I just can't believe you woulddo this.ROBINI'm not doing anything wrong. I'm allowedto date. It's not like we're backtogether. We had a good time the othernight, and you're already pressuring me.STEVEN(pissy)Fine, enjoy yourself. Have fun.ROBINI will.STEVENFine. Bye.Steven hangs up the phone. The Cable Guy appears, and hands him a beer.CABLE GUYThis is just a sign that you need to livea little. She's having fun, and youshould too.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)STEVENYou're probably right.CABLE GUYDamn right I'm right.STEVENOh, I got you a little something.He hands a box to the Cable Guy.CABLE GUYI thought you said we were even. You'rebreaking the rules.STEVENSo shoot me.He opens it. The box says, "Lose Your Lisp in Thirty Days." The Cable Guy is so moved he cannot speak.STEVENMy brother said it might help with yourlisp.The Cable Guy looks Steven in the eye for a long beat, then hugs him hard.CABLE GUYWords cannot expressÖ(he is too moved to finish his sentence)STEVENIt's no big deal.CABLE GUYYes it is.He stares at Steven until it makes him uncomfortable.CABLE GUYNow I'm on a mission. This has got to bethe best party ever! Let's rock.37B	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSThey walk into the living room. A sad looking OLDER MAN is singing "Superfreak." Everyone's having fun. We see a couple of off duty policemen in uniform mingling with the crowd.(Revision Ends - Blue)STEVENYou've got plenty of friends.CABLE GUYThese people are acquaintances. They'renot ride to the airport friends, like us.(sees something)Whoa, chick alert at three o'clock. Areal barn burner. Don't look.STEVENYou're playing with me again.CABLE GUYNo sirree Steven. This woman is all overyou like a lamp-shade.STEVENShut up.He turns and sees a stunning woman standing in the middle of a group of male and female misfits. When he looks at her, she smiles. He quickly turns back.CABLE GUYDid it just get hotter in here?(grabs his crotch)Oh, that hurts.STEVENWho'd she come with?CABLE GUYI don't know, but she looks prettyavailable to me. I'd strike while theiron is hot. He who hesitates,masturbates, know what I'm saying?ANGLE ONA nerdy, balding man walks over to Rick.ODD MANHe sure can throw a party. Chip's anincredible man. I really admire him.RICKWhere do you know him from?ODD MANHe hooked up my cable. Didn't charge meeither. That's the kind of guy he is.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)ANGLE ONSteven slowly walks over to the pretty woman.STEVENHey. I'm Steven.WOMANHeather.STEVENCan I get you something to drink?HEATHERSure. I'll have a shot of tequila if youwill.STEVENComing right up.37C	INT. LIVING ROOM - LATERAT THE KARAOKE AREA - Steven and Heather are singing "You're the One that I Want" from "Grease." They are both drunk, and having a great time.The Cable Guy walks over to Rick.CABLE GUYI'm glad you accepted my invitation.RICKSteven invited me.The Cable Guy looks at Steven and Heather.CABLE GUYLook at him. Have you ever seen him soalive? He's changing, Rick. You've gotto learn to live with that.RICKI don't know what your story is "ChipDouglas," but I'm going to find out.CABLE GUYOooh. How dramatic.The song ends. Rick walks away. He waves to Steven as he heads out. Steven runs over to him.RICKI'm getting out of here.STEVEN(drunk)Why? This is a great party. This girlis really into me.RICKYou're whacked man. That guy is badnews.STEVENYou don't even know him. You're just mad'cause he kicked your ass in basketball.RICKI can't even deal. I'm outta here.ON THE CABLE GUY - At the karaoke area. He speaks into the microphone.CABLE GUYHello everyone. First of all I'd like tothank Steven for being such a terifichost.Steven smiles, and does a half wave to everyone as they applaud.CABLE GUYDon't forget to kick in some spinach forthe beer. Steven ain't made of money.And I expect some of you to join in theclean up crew.OFF DUTY COPSing something! Do a song!CABLE GUY(false coyness)NoÖ I really couldn't.ODD MANCome on! Do your song!CABLE GUYOkay, just to stop that guy from begging.This number is dedicated to all of theladies in the house.He puts on a Janet Jackson type microphone, then breaks into a fast paced rap of the song "Bust A Move," accompanied by elaborate dance moves.CABLE GUY(rapping)(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")During the musical break the Cable Guy begins to break dance. He knows all the moves. The robot, the spider, the crab. He looks like a deranged cast member or "Electric Boogaloo." The guests go crazy.ANGLE ON STEVEN AND HEATHERSTEVENYou sounded just like Olivia Newton John.HEATHERI've been practicing for years.STEVEN(laughs)So what do you do?HEATHERI can barely hear you. Do you want totalk in the other room?STEVENOhÖ okay.They walk into Steven's bedroom.ON THE CABLE GUYCABLE GUY(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")38	INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSSteven and Heather are sitting on the bed talking.STEVENShe says she wants a break, and that'sfine with me. I think I needed some timealso.HEATHERYeah. I know what you mean.She leans in and kisses him.39	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSThe cable Guy has got all of the guests in a frenzy.CABLE GUY(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")40	INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSSteven and Heather are kissing passionately. Suddenly the door flies open, and the Cable Guy dances into the room, takes out a Polaroid instamatic camera and FLASHES A PICTURE of them. Steven is disoriented. Behind the Cable Guy in the hallway is everyone from the party.CABLE GUY(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")He continues to rap, dance and flash pictures of everyone as he dances out of the room.41	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNINGSteven walks into the living room looking a little disheveled. The Cable Guy is cooking him breakfast.CABLE GUYGood morning sleepy head. I hope youdon't mind, I crashed on the couch.Bacon and eggs coming up.STEVENWhere did Heather go?CABLE GUYI heard her slip out early this morning.STEVENWhat a night. That was just what Ineeded.(Revision Ends - Blue)CABLE GUYYou look like a new man.STEVENI feel like a new man. I was getting soused to being rejected. I really likedher.CABLE GUYHey, it was my treat.STEVEN(taken aback)What do you mean it was "your treat?"CABLE GUYYou know, I bought this time, you buynext time.STEVEN(getting concerned)Buy what?CABLE GUYYou know, the women.STEVENYou mean Heather is a prostitute?CABLE GUYOf course she is. Do you think a womanlike that would hang out with us if weweren't paying? Don't tell me you didn'tknow.STEVENI can't believe this.He sits in a chair, and leans over in pain.CABLE GUYShe's clean I assure you. I tried her outlast week to make sure she was topquality, and I'm as healthy as a horse. Nota drip. She's the best, ask any of myfriends.Steven cringes.STEVEYou've got to be kidding? Please tell meshe's a friend of yours. You're justplaying with my mind again, right?CABLE GUYI wish I had friends like that.STEVENGet out of my house!CABLE GUYDon't be ashamed of yourself. I know shewas a working girl, but she kind of likedyou. You might have been able toget a freebie.STEVENOut, now! I don't ever want to see youagain.(to himself)Robin is never going to forgive me.CABLE GUYI'll tell you how to handle that. Don'ttell her. You want to get her back, I'llhelp you get her back.STEVENI don't want your help. I want you toleave.(gestures to the TV)And take that stuff out of here.CABLE GUY(calmly)Whatever. I can take a hint. I'll seeya'.The Cable Guy exits.42	OMITTED43	EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHTP.O.V. Shot - Robin and a date enter the restaurant.We move to reveal the Cable Guy driving up in his van. He watches them from across the street. A moment later he heads inside.44	INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHTThe Cable Guy enters the restaurant. The HOSTESS walks over to him.HOSTESSMay I help you?CABLE GUYNo, I'm meeting someone here.He looks around the restaurant, then spots Robin and a handsome, chiseled man at a table. They are on a date. The Cable Guy looks angry. He walks to the restroom.45	INT. RESTROOM - NIGHTAn OLDER BATHROOM ATTENDANT stands in front of the sinks. On the counter sits a variety of toiletries. A MAN washes his hands. The bathroom attendant hands him some paper towels. The man puts a tip in the basket, and exits.BATHROOM ATTENDANTMost appreciated.The Cable Guy walks over to the bathroom attendant. He dramatically whips out a twenty dollar bill, and puts it in front of the bathroom attendant's nose.CABLE GUYYou've been working hard. Take a break.46	INT. RESTAURANT - A LITTLE LATERRobin is talking to her date RAY. He is handsome, and somewhat goofy. They have empty salad plates in front of them.RAYMy brother and I wanna start our own sunblock company. But the twist is, it'sonly for skiing. SkiBlock. Or SunSki.We haven't decided yet. Maybe BlockSki.Do you think that sounds good?ROBINBlockSki? That sounds right.RAYSo, Gail told me you're just coming off arelationship.ROBINWell, not really. We're kind of in aholding pattern. He wants more of acommitment, but I don't think I'm ready.I just want to have a good time for awhile.RAYThen we got to get you on a Skidoo!ROBINSkidoo?RAYHigh powered snow mobile. It'll blowyour mind. It flies over powder likeit's glass.Their waitress passes by.RAY(impatiently)Hey, how are you doing on that chicken?Have the eggs hatched yet? Thanks.Robin is mortified by his behavior.RAYSo, how's your work going?ROBINIt's been crazy. They just hired a ñRAYHold that thought. I have to use the restroom. Be right back.He leaves. Robin looks relieved to have a break.47	INT. RESTROOM - MOMENTS LATERRay enters the restroom. The Cable Guy is now wearing the bathroom attendant's blue shirt white pants and a thin fake moustache. A DISTINGUISHED MAN walks over and washes his hands.MAN(to Cable guy)Towel please.CABLE GUYMy pleasure.The man puts out his hand to take the paper towel, but the Cable Guy doesn't hand it to him, he grabs the man's hands and surrounds them with several paper towels, and begins drying them furiously. When he's done, he takes a beat and wipes them over and over, just to make sure they're dry. The man is aghast.CABLE GUYEnjoy your mealThe man exits. Ray walks toward the stalls.CABLE GUYGood evening sir. Pleasant night, isn'tit?RAY(curt)Yeah.CABLE GUYBut I guess the weather's always pleasantin here. The winters are remarkably mild.He laughs at his own joke. Ray walks into the handicapped stall.CABLE GUY (OS)If you need anything, just let me know.Anything at all.RAY(getting annoyed)I think I can handle it.Ray unzips his fly, and prepares to pee standing up. Suddenly, as if out of thin air, the Cable Guy is standing right behind him. He speaks into Ray's ear, startling him.CABLE GUYI'm here to serve you.RAYJesus! Get out of here!CABLE GUYMost people never bother to takeadvantage of all my services, forinstance ñThe Cable Guy grabs the back of Ray's shirt, kicks his feet out from under him, and slams his face into the toilet bowl, sloshing it around. Ray struggles, but the Cable Guy is too strong.CABLE GUYI can help you wash up. Cleanliness isso very important.He pulls his face out.CABLE GUYThen once you're done I have a variety ofskin care products which can make youlook years younger.The Cable Guy kicks the door open, and pulls Ray toward the counter. He grabs a bottle of lotion.CABLE GUYThis lotion is superb at removing liverspots.He slaps it onto Ray's face.CABLE GUYThis one is an excellent moisturizer.The Cable Guy pours some after cologne into his hands, and rubs his hands together as if he's about to put it on Ray's face.CABLE GUYAnd one can never underestimate theeffects of a good cologne.The Cable Guy rears back and slaps Ray across the face.CABLE GUY(sniffs)MmÖ High Karate. And now a touch ofpowder.He takes a large powder puff, and smashes it into Ray's face temporarily blinding him.CABLE GUY(grabs a tweezer)Ooh, I almost forget, it's oh so veryimportant to be properly tweezed.The Cable Guy plucks several hairs out from between Ray's eyebrows.CABLE GUYYou're on a big date, you'll need freshbreath.He takes a clear jar of combs, and pours the blue fluid and the combs into Ray's mouth.CABLE GUYWhoops, that's not mouth wash. But thatreminds me. Proper hair care is a must.The Cable Guy combs his soaking wet hair into a very goofy looking side part.CABLE GUYLooking good, now let's dry you off.He runs Ray face first into the starting button of an automatic hand dryer. It turns on. The Cable Guy puts his face right up next to the air.CABLE GUYNow suck it. Suck the air!Ray hesitantly puts his mouth around the nozzle, and his cheeks start fluttering like an astronaut experiencing heavy G-Force.CABLE GUYfrom this angle you look just like NeilArmstrong experiencing G-Force. Ibelieve you have the "right stuff."The Cable Guy pulls him away, and smashes his face into the tip basket.CABLE GUYDon't worry about the tip. But I've gotone for you.(whispers into his ear)Stay away from Robin. She's taken.He tosses him out the door.47A	INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUSThe door opens, and Ray falls to the floor.47B	INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUSRobin sits alone at her table. She looks at her watch. In the background the Cable Guy slips out.48	OMITTED49	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHTSteven is watching television while eating a TV dinner.ON THE TV - LOCAL TELEVISION NEWSANCHOR MANHere's a bizarre story from downtown,where a man was beaten in a restroom byan assailant disguised as a bathroomattendant. The victim has been unable tospeak since the unmotivated attack.We see the image of a shaken up RAY being led out of the restaurant by two police officers.ANCHOR MANA police sketch artist put together thisdrawing from witnesses' descriptions.We see a drawing which looks a little like the Cable Guy. In it he has a moustache and appears to be Hispanic. Steven looks carefully. Does he know that man? Nah. He changes the channel.ON THE TV - the FOX logo flies up, followed by a slick promo for a FOX Movie-of-the-Week on the Sam Sweet trial.ANOUNCER (V.O.)Tonight on Fox, the true story behind thetrial that's captured the nation.We see ERIC ROBERTS holding a shotgun, pointed at another scared ERIC ROBERTS.ANNOUNCER (V.O.)The jury may still be out, but thechilling facts are in. Eric Roberts, inhis dramatic debut is Sam and Stan Sweet."Brother, Sweet Brother: The Killing ofStanton Sweet." Tonight on Fox.49A	EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - DAYThe Cable Guy walks over to a FEMALE NEIGHBOR.CABLE GUYExcuse me, apartment 202 is Robin Harris?FEMALE NEIGHBOR(points)It's right upstairs.50	INT. ROBIN'S HOME - NEXT DAYThere is a LOUD KNOCK. Robin walks to the door and opens it without undoing the chain.ROBINWho is it?The Cable Guy sticks his face as far into the crack of the door as possible.CABLE GUYIt's the Cable Guy.ROBINThere's no problem with my cable.CABLE GUYI've got an upgrade order for one RobinHarris. The Rainbow package, that's everypay channel available.ROBINI didn't order this.CABLE GUYApparently you've got a secret admirer.She unlocks the chain, and the Cable Guy quickly steps inside.ROBINWas it a man named Steven?CABLE GUYI can't tell you.ROBINCome on.CABLE GUYNo, I promised Steven I wouldn't say.He gave it away on purpose. They both laugh.CABLE GUYWhoops, I slipped. Well you didn't hearit from me.51	INT. AIR DUCT - LATERThe Cable Guy is in the air duct. He is pulling cord. He reaches an area of the duct which opens up to a vent. He looks through and sees Robin changing in the bedroom. He tries not to look at Robin undress. He turns away.CABLE GUYI'm sorry Steven. I'm just a man.He turns back and looks at her. He notices a birthmark on her back.52	INT. APARTMENT - LATERThe Cable Guy is on his way out.CABLE GUYThat about does it. Enjoy.ROBINSo, are you a friend of Steven's?CABLE GUYI'm proud to say I am. I installed hiscable recently, and we just hit it off.ROBINThat's right. You fixed his cable theother night.(suspicious)So you guys are going out a lot?CABLE GUYNot really. That man is devoted to you.You know I'm probably crossing a boundarytelling you this, but he's really crazyabout you.ROBINDid he say that?CABLE GUYOnly every five minutes. Quite frankly,I'm sick of hearing it. No, I'm justkidding with you.(looks her deeply in the eyes)He's a good man. He mentioned that youguys have had some problems.ROBINWell, it's a little complicated.CABLE GUYIt always is. You know I asked a woman tomarry me once. She said she wanted tothink about it. We agreed to take sometime apart to re-assess our feelings. Togive each otherÖ(mockingly)space.(chokes up)Well, she is no longer with us.ROBINI'm so sorry.CABLE GUYSometimes you don't have the time youthink you have. Just promise me you'llnever go bungee jumping in Mexico.ROBINI promise.CABLE GUY(embarrassed that he spoke too much)Anyway, I've got to go.He quickly departs. We hold on Robin for a beat.53	EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSThe Cable Guy smiles, proud of himself.53A	EXT. RENOVATION SITE - DUSKEstablishing shot of the building. We hear Steven's cellular phone ring.53B	INT. RENOVATION SITE - DUSK - INTERCUTSteven holds on a cellular phone as he walks down the long Gothic hallway of a half renovated school house. Around him construction workers go about their business.STEVENHello?ROBIN (VO)I love you.STEVENRobin?54	INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - INTERCUTRobin is on the phone.ROBINYes.STEVEN(surprised)IÖ love you too.ROBINThat was so sweet of you.STEVEN(playing along)OhÖ wellÖROBINYou didn't have to do that.STEVENIÖ wanted to.ROBINGiving me free cable. Only you would dothat.STEVENYou got it? Great.ROBINYes, your friend came by.STEVENMy friend?ROBINThe Cable Guy. I liked him. He was kindof goofy, but nice. Thank you so muchfor doing that.STEVENI'mÖ glad you liked it. I've wanted todo something nice for you, but I've beentrying to give you your space.ROBINWell, I don't think we should make rulesanymore.STEVEOkay.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)ROBINCall me later if you're around?STEVENSure. I'll call you as son as I gethome. Bye.Steven is elated. He can barely contain himself.RICK (O.S.)Steven, are you ready to go?Steven turns and sees Rick wearing a "Soundgarden" T-shirt.STEVEN(pained)The concert. Oh Jesus.RICKWhat?STEVENRobin just called. I think we're gettingback together.RICK(pissed)So you're blowing me off? I can'tbelieve this.STEVENThis is the first time she asked to getback together.RICKYou do this every time. You only call meafter a girl breaks your heart. "Oh Rickcan I stay on your couch? Let's talk allnight about how mean girls are." Then assoon as a relationship starts againit's bye-bye Rick. I don't know why Ifall for it anymore.55	OMITTED56	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHTIt is raining. Rick pulls up, and drops Steven off.STEVENCan't you get someone elseto go?(Revision Ends - Blue)RICKMaybe I'll take MY cable guy.Steven gets out of the car. Rick drives off. Steven walks up the steps to his apartment. The Cable Guy appears from behind a corner.CABLE GUYPretty smooth work. I set 'em up, youknock 'em down.STEVENWhat?CABLE GUYRobin. I got her back for you. I juicedher up.STEVENHow do you know we're back together?CABLE GUYFree cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.STEVENI don't want you messing around with mylife. You've caused enough trouble as itis.CABLE GUYI know. I felt bad about the other night,so I wanted to make it up to you. Sowhat are you doing? Do you want to catcha bite?Steve looks the Cable Guy in the eye.STEVEN(sincerely yet curt)Look, I appreciate you helping me outwith Robin. But you have to understand,I'm going to have to work extra hard tonot screw this relationship up again.You're a great guy, but I just don't haveany room in my life for a new friend. Doyou understand?CABLE GUYI appreciate your honesty. You're a realstraight shooter.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)STEVENSo, you're okay?CABLE GUYHey, I'm a big boy. It's no big deal.Whatever.STEVENAll rightÖ well, take care.CABLE GUYHave a good one.The Cable Guy walks away. Steven stands there feeling a little guilty about what he just did. MUSIC UP.57	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHTON THE TV - Conan O'Brien is doing a monologue joke about Sam Sweet.Steven and Robin are kissing. Outside it is raining. There is occasional lightning and thunder. In the middle of kissing, lightning flashes. Steven looks up and sees a flash of the Cable Guy staring down at them, his faced pressed against the skylight. In the next flash he is gone. Was it real? Steven looks scared.ROBINAre you alright?STEVENI'm fine.They go back to kissing.57A	EXT. TELEPHONE POLE/INT. ROBIN'S OFFICE - DAYThe Cable Guy and Robin are speaking on the phone. As the conversation continues we slowly pull back and reveal that the Cable Guy is standing on the top of a telephone pole, dressed as a phone company employee. He speaks into a repairman's phone which is illegally hooked into the telephone pole.CABLE GUYHey, it's Chip Douglas.ROBINChip Douglas?CABLE GUYYour cable guy.(Revision Ends - Blue)ROBIN(surprised to hear from him)Oh, hi. What's up?CABLE GUYI feel kind of weird calling you. It'sjustÖ I'm worried about Steven.ROBINWhat is it?CABLE GUYSomething isn't right. He hasn't beenhimself lately. Have you noticedanything?ROBINNo, things are actually going reallywell.CABLE GUYGood.ROBINShould I be worried?CABLE GUYNope. I'm probably just being a nervousnellie. Let's just keep our eyes open.ROBIN(nervous)I will. Good-bye.She hangs up, then dials Steven's number.ROBINSteven Bartowsky please.57B	INT. STEVEN'S SECRETARY'S DESK - CONTINUOUSHis secretary, JOAN, answers the phone.JOANSorry Robin. He's in a meeting.58	INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAYA dozen of the top employees of the company Steven works for are having a meeting. Steven listens intently as a SALES MANAGER speaks to the group.SALES MANAGERThe response to our initial offering hasbeen remarkable. A local investmentgroup has decided to buy the entirecomplex and turn them into rentals. Inretrospect I must admit we made one bigmistake.Everyone hangs on his every word.SALES MANAGERWe should have asked for more money.The entire room laughs. Mr. Daniels stands up.MR. DANIELSI just want to put this out there,Stevey. You did it bro. You laid yourcajones, and mine, out on the table, andyou slam dunked it. Way to go.(nervously jokes)Now watch, they'll kick you upstairsahead of me. All right, in otherbusinessÖAs Mr. Daniels speaks, Joan tries to get Steven's attention from a crack in the door.JOAN(quietly)Pssst. Steven.Steven turns and sees her. She waves for him to come to her. He waves her off.JOAN(more urgently-quietly)I really need to speak with you.Some people are beginning to notice this exchange.STEVEN(curtly)It can wait.Right then two POLICE OFFICERS storm into the room. Joan stands behind them looking concerned.POLICE OFFICERIs there a Steven Bartowsky here?STEVENUhÖ I'm Steven Bartowsky. What's goingon?POLICE OFFICERYou are under arrest.MR. DANIELSOn what charge?POLICE OFFICERReceipt of stolen merchandise.STEVENWhat? I never ñPOLICE OFFICERPlease put our hands on the table.Steven moves a sudden move toward the Police Officer. The Officer jabs him in the ribs with his club. Steven groans, then leans over in pain.POLICE OFFICERPlease follow my instructions. Handson the table.Steven puts his hands on the table. The Officer kicks his legs apart, then frisks him in front of everyone. It is pure humiliation.POLICE OFFICERHands behind your back.The other Officer cuffs him, then turns him around.POLICE OFFICER #2You have the right to remain silent.Anything you say may be used against youin a court of law. You have the right toan attorney. If you cannot afford anattorney one will be provided for you.Do you understand?STEVEThis is all a mistake. I didn't acceptany stolen goods.Just then it hits him. He hears the Cable Guy's voice in his head.CABLE GUY (V.O.)(with echo)Öyou're getting THX quality sound thatwould make George Lucas cream in hispants ñ cream in his pants.He pushes him toward the door. Steven looks at everyone's horrified faces as he is taken away. He tries to break the tension with a joke.STEVENHey, relax. I'm the one who's going tojail.Nobody laughs. He exits.59	EXT. OFFICE TOWER - MOMENTS LATERSteven is walked to a police car, and put inside.We slowly reveal a man across the street at an auto shop. He is looking under the hood of his car. Apparently it has broken down. The man turns and we see that it is the Cable Guy covertly watching Steven's humiliation. As the policeman pushes Steven into the car he looks at the Cable guy and touches his nose. The Cable Guy touches his nose.60	INT. POLICE STATION - LATERSteven is chained to a bench. He is speaking to his father EARL, a stout man of sixty, and his LAWYER.EARLI can't believe you did this.STEVENI didn't do anything. My cable guy gaveme all that stuff as a present.EARLA stereo system and a big screen TV as apresent? You expect me to believe that?You know you're killing your mother withthis.STEVENI swear it's true.EARLWhy would you accept such extravagantgifts?(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)STEVENI don't know. I shouldn't have.EARLWhat is really going on here Steven? Areyou on something?STEVENI'm fine! I didn't do anything! Pleasecall my cable guy, his name is ErnieDouglas.LAWYERSteven, the police looked into it, nobodynamed Ernie Douglas works for 'The CableCompany.'EARLYou want to tell us the truth nowSTEVEN(falling apart)That's got to be a mistake. Oh, thisis not happening.EARLYes it is, and it's killing your mother.Did you deliberately want to ruin ourfortieth anniversary party on Monday,Steven?STEVENYeah, Dad, I did. It's all a big plan.(to the lawyer)When can you get me out of here?LAWYERUnfortunately it's too late to get a bailhearing today. You're going to have tospend the weekend in county lock up.STEVENThe entire weekend?61	OMITTED(Revision Ends - Blue)62	INT. PRISON - LATERSteven is now wearing prison blues. He holds a pillow and a set of sheets as he walks down the long corridor to his cell. Lining each side are cells filled with angry prisoners who throw things at Steven, and taunt him as he walks by. It is a nightmare.PRISONER #1New meat! Look at the pretty boy!PRISONER #2Nobody touches him, he's mine! You touchhim, you're dead!PRISONER #3Is baby scared? Don't cry baby!They all laugh and scream at him until he reaches his cell. A guard opens the door. Steven enters his cell. He turns and inside is an angry looking prisoner. The door is locked behind him.ANGRY PRISONEROoh, looks like I won the lottery.63	OMITTED64	INT. VISITORS ROOM - MORNINGA guard walks Steven in. His lawyer sits on the other side of the glass with his back to Steven. Steven sits down and picks up the phone, excited to hear any news.STEVENWhat did you hear? What did you hear?The man turns around. It is not Steven's lawyer, it is theCable Guy dressed in an expensive suit.CABLE GUYHello Steven. I came as soon as I heard.Steven's head sinks.STEVENWho are you?! What's your real name?!CABLE GUYSo many questions.STEVENWhy are you doing this to me?CABLE GUYI didn't do this to you, you did this toyou. You need to learn who your friendsare.STEVENYou set me up.CABLE GUYI taught you a lesson. I can be your bestfriend, or your worst enemy. I hopeyou'll choose the latterÖ I mean, theformer. You know what I mean.STEVENI'll never be your friend. You need help.The Cable Guy absorbs the blow, then goes on the offensive.CABLE GUYRight now I think you're the one whoneeds help. I'm here to give you comfort.The Cable Guy huts his hand up to the glass.CABLE GUYCome on, touch it.Steven just stares at him.CABLE GUYCome on. You need human contact. Touchit.STEVENI will not touch it.The Cable Guy stands up, and begins unbuttoning his shirt.STEVENWhat are you doing? Stop it.Steven looks around frantically.CABLE GUYI know how you're feeling right now.The Cable Guy pushes his naked breast against the glass. Other prisoners are beginning to stare.STEVEN(smacking the glass)Stop it! Stop it!CABLE GUYI'm here for you.STEVEN(smacks the glass three times)Get off there! Are you trying to get mekilled?The Cable Guy begins to laugh.CABLE GUY(as he buttons his shirt)I was just messing with your mind. Thatwas from 'Midnight Express.' Awesomefilm. Oliver Stone won the Academy Awardfor the screenplay.STEVENGuard! Guard!CABLE GUYDon't you worry about Robin, I'll makesure she's well taken care of.STEVENYou go near her, I'll kill you.Steven lunges at the glass. Steven's guard pulls Steven out of the room toward the exit.STEVENHey, this is the guy who framed me!The Cable Guy walks to his door. He turns to the guard at the door.CABLE GUY(warmly)Louis, how'd you like that Tyson fight onPay Per View? I told you it's more funwhen it's Free Per View.They both laugh. The door closes behind them.65	EXT. OUTDOOR CAF… - DAYThe Cable Guy is sitting at a table wearing a Walkman. People look at him funny as he speaks out loud to his lisp tape.(Revision 11/13/95 - Blue)CABLE GUY(over-pronouncing)Sea shells. Sea shells. Salmon. Salmon.Silverware. Silverware. Suspicious.Suspicious. Sensational. Sensational.Robin is brought over to the table by a hostess. The Cable Guy takes off his Walkman, and stands up to be polite. He sits down in perfect synch with her.ROBINHello.CABLE GUYHello. I'm sorry we have to meet underthese circumstances.ROBINMe too. Believe me.CABLE GUYI know we don't know each other verywell, but we do have one thing in common, our concern for Steven.ROBINWell, you were right. Something'shappening with him and he won't evenacknowledge it.CABLE GUYIf he refuses to admit he has a problem,we may have to let him hit bottom. He'sgonna need some tough love.ROBIN(tentatively)You know his lawyer said that nobodynamed Ernie Douglas works for the CableCompany.CABLE GUY(chuckles)Did he do a name search? 'Cause I workunder a pseudonym so the customers won'tharass me at home. Kind of like astripper. My real name is Larry, LarryTate.ROBINAnd he's saying he received all thestereo equipment from you.CABLE GUY(I know, and I'm not mad. He's beencornered, so he's telling some wivestales. He doesn't mean to hurt me.ROBINI just feel like I triggered this withhim. It's not that I don't want to getmarried, it's just I felt like he wantedto get married just to get married. Idon't deal well with pressure.CABLE GUYHey, welcome to the human race. We'renot perfect. We all think we have tolook like a 'Baywatch' babe and be aswitty as 'Seinfeld.' Give yourself abreak.ROBINGod I could go for turkey and mashedpotatoes now.CABLE GUYComfort food. Bring it on.ROBINExactly.She laughs.CABLE GUYYou've got a great laugh. Can I make asmall request? I'd like to hear it a littlemore often.She blushes.66	INT. PRISON ADMINISTRATION - NEXT DAYON THE TV - Hard Copy's BARRY NOLAN, sits behind his desk giving a news update.BARRY NOLANThe Sam Sweet trial has been thrown intochaos as a result of a videotape made amonth after the killing. In this "HardCopy" exclusive an apparently intoxicatedSam Sweet puts on a macabre show for hisfriends at a party. The judge has notdecided whether this tape is admissibleas evidence.We see a videotape of Sam Sweet at a party. The date and time are seen in the corner. Sam stands next to the corner of a wall which is completely covered with a mirror. Sam gestures with a beer bottle as he looks at his reflection in the mirror.SAM SWEET(to camera)Hey everyone. Look it's me andÖ(gestures to his reflection)my brother Stan.(waves at reflection)Hi Stan. It's so nice to see you. Howare you feeling?(to camera)Look, he's alive.Sam punches the mirror, shattering it.SAM SWEET(angry)Now he's dead.Realizing he's revealed too much, he forces a smile.SAM SWEETWhat? I'm just goofing around.We pull back and reveal a group of police officers watching this on television.We pan over to Steven's father EARL paying bail.STEVENI'm sorry dad.EARLI don't want to hear it. Do you know thepain you out your mother through? You'relucky she didn't die of a heart attack.STEVENI didn't do anything.EARLJust like you said you didn't steal that'X-Men' comic book when you were eight.Then I found it in your underwear drawer.STEVENWill you ever stop mentioning that?EARLThis cost me a lot of money. You jumpbail, and I swear I'll hire a bountyhunter to hunt you down.67	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - DAYSteven walks into his apartment, exhausted from his jail experience. He walks into the living room and sees several new frames on the wall. They are four foot blow ups of Polaroid photographs of Steven with his arm around the Cable Guy at the karaoke jam. The photos have been tinted in a stylish fashion.Steven angrily runs to the wall and takes them down.68	OMITTED69	EXT. STEVEN'S PARENTS' HOME - NIGHTSteven and Robin are walking up the stairs to the front door. They are dressed up for his parents' anniversary party.(Revision Ends - Blue)ROBINAre you sure you're okay?STEVENI'm fine.ROBINYou're not fine. When you say you'refine, I know you're not fine.STEVENI just want to get this over with so Ican go home and get some rest.ROBINI wanted you to know I invited yourfriend. He was concerned about you.STEVENGreat. I feel. Bad. I've been kind ofblowing Rick off lately.He rings the doorbell.ROBINNot Rick.The door opens. Standing there, dressed to kill, is the Cable Guy.CABLE GUYYou can only come in if you came to rage.Steven is shocked. Robin walks in. When Steven walks in, the Cable Guy stops him.CABLE GUY(to Robin)Is this guy cool?(to Steven)I'm just joshing. Come on in.They walk inside.70	INT. STEVEN'S FATHER'S HOMESteven turns to Robin.STEVEN(enraged)What is he doing here?ROBINI invited him.STEVENWhen did you invite him?ROBINAt lunch the other day.STEVENAt lunch? You had lunch with him?The Cable Guy walks over.ROBINHello. You look great.She gives him a peck on the cheek. Steven winces.CABLE GUYAnd you are a vision. Hello Steven.You're looking rested.STEVENCome here.He pulls the Cable Guy aside.CABLE GUYSteven, what's with you tonight? I'mgetting some really weird energy fromyou.STEVENMaybe it's because I just got out ofprison, where you sent me. I should justdrag you to the police right now.CABLE GUYYou can if you like, but I'd hate to haveto show Robin this.He takes out a Polaroid of Steven kissing the hooker.STEVENYou son of a bitch.The Cable Gut quickly puts it away.CABLE GUYCome on Steven, let's just have a goodtime tonight.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)Robin, Earl and Steven's mother walk over.EARLSteven, your mother and I had a long talkwith your friend Larry here when he cameover to screw in the cable.STEVEN'S MOTHER(to the Cable Guy)Thank you again for that.EARL(beat)We owe you an apology. I didn't realizethe seriousness of your problems. You'reobviously going through some kind ofpersonal hell and I need to be moreunderstanding. We didn't get involvedwith things like that when I was yourage.Steven cannot figure out what kind of lie the Cable Guy has told them.EARLI know we haven't been there for youlately but we're going to see you throughthis, 'cause we are a family. I loveyou.He gives him a big hug. Steven grimaces.STEVEN'S MOTHERYou've got a good friend here.They walk into the next room where the entire family is gathered for pre-dinner cocktails.Steven's brother PETE walks over to Steven. He carries a baby in a pouch.PETE(winks)Hey buddy, we're with you. Keep yourchin up.71	INT. DINING ROOM - LATERAs the Cable Guy charms Steven's family we pan across all of the guests laughing, and enjoying dinner.CABLE GUYSo Steven is carrying this battle ax, andhe's chasing me, swinging like a madman. I'm yelling at him,'hey, it's just a show!'(Revision Ends - Blue)STEVEN'S SISTERHe always takes things too seriously.CABLE GUYTell me something I don't know. This guyalmost took my head off.Everybody laughs.The camera moves to Steven. He stares at the Cable Guy, his eyes filled with rage.STEVEN'S P.O.V.The Cable Guy is talking and eating in SLOW-MOTION.ON STEVEN - watching him. He is in normal motion.ON THE CABLE GUY - eating in SLOW-MOTIONON STEVEN - getting very irritated.STEVENWhat are you doing?ON THE CABLE GUYAs he talks we realize he has not been in slow motion, he's just been pretending he's in slow motion.CABLE GUYIt's from "Goodfellas." Remember theintro scene at the bar. I'm Johnny TwoTimes.He moves in slow motion some more. Everyone laughs.TONY, Steven's six year old nephew, runs to the Cable Guy with a toy gun.TONY/CABLE GUYPow, pow, pow. You're under arrest.Everyone laughs. The Cable Guy starts running around the table. Tony makes chase, laughing all the way.CABLE GUYYou'll never catch me copper.The Cable Guy stops, grabs a piece of asparagus and puts it between his lip and nose, and pretends it's a moustache.CABLE GUYI'm gonna wear a disguise.Steven looks at the Cable Guy and remembers something.STEVEN'S P.O.V. - He sees the Cable Guy. The artist's rendering of the man who beat up Robin's date appears in front of the Cable Guy's face. Steven realizes that they are the same person.Steven gets a frightened look on his face.The kid points his gun at the Cable Guy and yells "pow." The Cable Guy drops to the floor like he's been shot.CABLE GUYOh, you got me.The Cable Guy plays dead. The kid walks over to him. When he gets close, the Cable Guy lunges to grab him.CABLE GUY(devil voice)Aaah!!! Nobody messes with me and lives!The kid screams with laughter and runs away. The Cable Guy chases him around the table and out of the room. Steven instantly fears for Tony's safety. He follows them.72-75	OMITTED75A	INT. LIBRARY - A MOMENT LATERSteven walks around looking for Tony. Suddenly from behind a couch Tony and the Cable Guy pop out.TONY/CABLE GUYBooo!Steven flies back, scared out of his wits. Tony and the Cable Guy start laughing hysterically. They have a grand 'ol time enjoying their little prank.CABLE GUYOh man, you should have seen your face.It was classic.STEVENVery funny. Tony, go to your mother!Tony immediately starts crying. He leaves.CABLE GUYLook what you've done.STEVENI know you beat up Robin's date.The Cable Guy's laughter stops on a dime.CABLE GUYI guess I did what you didn't have theguts to do.STEVENYou stay away from Robin.CABLE GUY(disturbed)Don't mess with me. I'm feeling like apart of the family, and I like it. Youshould try it sometime.Steven's mother enters.STEVEN'S MOTHER(looks at them)My, you two look like brothers. Come onback, we're all having coffee in theliving room.Cable Guy quickly starts walking back to the dining room.CABLE GUY(happily)Are you guys trying to fatten me up?'Cause if you are, you're doing a damngood job of it.He laughs, and exits. Steven slowly follows.76-78 OMITTED79	INT. LIVING AREA - LATEREveryone is sitting around having coffee. The Cable Guy is writing words on torn up pieces of paper.CABLE GUYYou guys have never played "PornoPassword?"EARLNo, but I like the sound of it.CABLE GUYIt's the adult version of the populartelevision game show. Robin you're on myteam. Steven, you're with mom.(to everyone else)You're the audience.The Cable Guy sits next to Robin. Steven and his mother sit across from them.The Cable Guy looks at the word, then shows it to the family so none of the contestants can see it. He whispers it in Steven's ear.CABLE GUY(whispers)The password isÖ vagina.Steven winces.STEVENI really don't want to play this game.(looks to his mother)Woman. Woman.STEVEN'S MOTHERUhÖ man?STEVENNo.CABLE GUY(to Robin)Pe-nis. Pe-nis. Pe-nis.Robin concentrates hard, but she can't figure it out.CABLE GUYPeeee-nis. Peeee-nis.ROBINVagina?CABLE GUY(pumps his fist)Yes!He high fives Robin. Everyone laughs.EARL(blurts out)I thought it was going to be schlong!(covers his mouth - embarrassed)Whoops.Everyone laughs. They are all having a great time, except Steven. The Cable Guy looks at the next word, shows it to the family privately, then whipsers to Steven.CABLE GUYThe password isÖ nipple.STEVENCan I pass?EARLCome on Steven, don't be a stick in themud.STEVENBreast. Breast.STEVEN'S MOTHERTit?Everyone laughs. Steven's face is red.CABLE GUYHardÖ(gestures like there is another word after it)HardÖROBINErection?Everyone laughs. Steven looks like he might kill the Cable Guy.STEVENCenter. Center.STEVEN'S MOTHERNipple?Everyone cheers.STEVEN'S MOTHERI can't believe I got it. I was going tosay areola.Everyone laughs except Steven, who is mortified.CABLE GUYI wish you did, 'cause we'd be ahead.The Cable Guy shows the word to everyone, then whispers in Steven's ear.CABLE GUYThe password isÖ I'm not sure how topronounce this, it's either clitoris, orclit-oris.STEVEN(snaps)I can't say that to my mother!EARLHey, she's a grown woman. She can handleit.ROBINCome on Steven. We're just having fun.STEVENNo, I've had enough. I can't do this.This guy is ruining my life, I won't sithere and play X-rated party games withhim.EARLSteven, I really think you're over-reacting.STEVENI am not over-reacting. You're all beingfooled by this guy! He's a felon forChrist sake!(to the Cable Guy)I hate you! Get out of my life!CABLE GUYI'm sorry everyone. If I am a nuisance,I will leave. I would never stay where Iam not wanted.ROBIN(to the Cable Guy)You're not a nuisance. Please don't go.(to Steven)Steven, you're being an asshole.EARLYeah, Steven it seems like you're the onewith the problem.STEVENWhat? You have no idea what this guy isreally like.CABLE GUYI'll just go.STEVENSee what I mean!CABLE GUYSteven, what's with you tonight?(gets close to Steven and whispers)Robin showed me that birthmark on herleft shoulder. It's very sexy.Steven punches the Cable Guy in the facem sending him to the floor. All of the women, including Robin run to help him.ROBIN(to Steven)I can't believe you.The Cable Guy gets up.CABLE GUYI'm fine. Thank you for a delightfulevening.(to Steven)I forgive you.He exits. Everyone looks at Steven like he is the devil.STEVENYou don't understand.Everyone walks away from Steven. The party is over.80	EXT. DRIVEWAY - LATERRobin is venting her anger at Steven as they walk to the car.ROBINI just think you were completely out ofline. I don't know what's happening toyou these days.Steven gets fed up.STEVENRobin, this guy is a sociopath. Heleaves messages on my machine night andday. He shows up wherever I go. Hewon't leave me alone.ROBINSounds familiar.STEVENYou know he was the one who beat up yourdate at that restaurant. That's right.And he gave you the free cable. It wasn'tme.ROBINBut you took the credit for it?STEVENThat's what he wanted. He wasmanipulating me. It feels so good to behonest about this. We're finallycommunicating. I've been wanting to tellyou for so long, but he's beenblackmailing me.ROBINBlackmailing you? How?STEVENWith a photograph.ROBINOf what?STEVENMe with a... prostitute.ROBINWhat?!STEVENHe set it up. He invited this woman tomy party and didn't tell me she was aprostitute. I'm so glad we can talkabout this.ROBINWhen did you have a party?STEVENWhen we weren't communicating. I invitedyou. You were out on a date.ROBINAnd you were with a prostitute.STEVENShe seduced me. That's what they do.They're professionals. And I didn't evenknow she was a prostitute.ROBINSo that makes it better?STEVENThat's not the point. The point is thisguy has been setting me up. He'sresponsible.ROBINHe didn't have sex with a whore. Youdid.STEVENRobin you don't --ROBINI don't want to hear it. Breaking up wasthe best thing we ever did. You havesome serious problems, and it's not myresponsibility to help you. I am onlyresponsible for my own happiness.STEVENWhere did that come from?ROBINIt was Jerry Springer's "final thought."She exits.80A	INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHTRick is running to an editing bay. Steven follows him.STEVENI'm sorry I've been blowing you off.RICKYou bet your ass you've been blowing meoff.STEVENIt's just, this guy is really doing anumber on me.RICKI told you not to hang out with him.STEVENYou're the one who told me to offer himmoney so I could get free cable.RICKYou didn't tell me he was a psychopath.(beat)I'll see if I can get my friend inresearch to track him down. What's hisname again?STEVENErnie Douglas.RICKErnie Douglas? Ernie Douglas? Why doesthat sound so familiar?81	INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - NEXT DAYSteven's secretary Joan is watching a news report about the Sam Sweet trial on a mini television.On the TV - a Female Prosecutor gestures with a shotgun as she questions a policeman.Joan changes channels. The image changes to LARRY KING interviewing ALAN DERSHOWITZ regarding "the abuse excuse."BACK TO SCENESteven walks over to Joan.STEVEN(to his secretary)Did anyone notice I'm late?JOANWhat are you talking about, you've beenhere for an hour.STEVENThank you.Steven walks to his office.81A	INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUSSteven walks behind his desk. He notices something which disturbs him. His computer is on. He clicks a button and a message comes on the screen.ON THE SCREEN - "GOOD MORNING STEVEN. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY. HERE'S AN EXTRA SPECIAL SURPRISE."Then an image comes on the screen. It is black and white surveillance video, digitized to the computer format. The video is of Robin and Steven talking. It is the conversation they had before they watched "Sleepless in Seattle."STEVENWork's good.ROBINHow's Hal?STEVENDon't get me started. That guy has novision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.He's just worthless.ROBINIt's just great that you're getting to doit. It's a real step up.STEVENI know. Now if only someone at corporatesmartened up enough to dump Hal, then Icould really get some stuff done.The sccene starts again. It is on a loop. Steven is aghast. He looks up and sees the scene is playing on every computer in the office. He gets a panicked look on his face. Is Hal seeing this? He runs out of his office to prevent Hal from viewing this.81B	OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUSSteven runs to the edge of the stairs and looks down.STEVEN'S P.O.V. - He sees Hal downstairs, walking into his office.BACK TO STEVEN - He runs down the stairs towards Hal's office as fast as he can.81C	INT. HAL'S OFFICESteven walks in. Hal is sitting behind his desk staring angrily at the computer. He looks up and sees Steven.HALDon't worry. I didn't see it --- 'cause Ihave no vision.Steven knows what's coming.82	OMITTED82A	OMITTED82B	OMITTED82C	INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATERSteven walks to his car carrying a box filled with his belongings. He has been fired. Suddenly a car alarm beeps. It's headlights flash. Then another, and another. Soon he is surrounded by screaming car alarms, and flashing headlights. He looks around in fear.STEVENChip! Chip, this isn't funny! Where areyou?!!!Suddenly they all stop simultaneously, and then the only sound is a miniacle laugh echoing through the garage.Steven runs to his car, and gets in. He drives up the ramp in a panic. From out of nowhere the Cable Guy steps into the beam of his headlights. He cannot stop in time. The Cable Guy is thrown into the air, then lands on the back of the roof of the car. Before he falls off he grabs on to the bar of the luggage rack.Steven looks through his rear view window and sees the Cable Guy staring at him.As Steven continues to drive the Cable Guy climbs on to the roof of the car, then jumps on the hood, and stares at Steven through the windshield. Steven swerves around, almost losing control of the car.STEVENLeave me alone! I have no job, nogirlfriend, no family anymore! It'sover! You won!(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)CABLE GUY(menacingly)Oh no. It's not over. It's just gettin'started.He turns a corner very sharply throwing the Cable Guy off his car. The Cable Guy falls to the ground, rolling many times, then leaps to his feet using the momentum of the roll, and runs off, scampering like a supernatural bug.83-94	OMITTED95	OMITTED95A	INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHTON THE TV - The local news.MARK THOMPSONThe jury has notified the judge that theyare very close to reaching a verdict, andwould like to keep deliberating into theevening hours.Rick is sitting at his desk. A FEMALE RESEARCHER walks over, and sits down.RESEARCHERThere are five people named Ernie Douglasin this county. Two are AfricanAmerican. One is eighty-five years old.One is eleven years old, and the last oneis in a wheelchair.RICKSo we're nowhere. Ernie Douglas? ErnieDouglas?She begins tapping her foot nervously.RICKCould you stop that?RESEARCHERDon't snap at me. I'm doing this as afavor.He continues staring at her two-tone wing tipped style shoe.RICK(has an epiphany)Wait, could you start that again? Starttapping your foot again.She begins tapping. Rick begins humming the theme to "My Three Sons." She joins him. They sing louder and louder. They've broken the code.(Revision Ends - Blue)96	INT. STEVEN'S KITCHEN - NIGHTThe PHONE RINGS. Steven runs in the front door, and picks up the phone.STEVENHello.RICK (VO)Bingo. "My Three Sons."STEVENChip and Ernie Douglas.97	INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUTRick sits at his desk. The researcher is at his side.RICKI've got a list of every cable installerfired in the last four years. Every oneof these guys has the same physicaldescription as our friend.(reads from the list)Murray Slaughter, Brendan Walsh, SamMalone, Alex Reiger. There was even aguy who liked to be called 'the bigRagu.'97AA	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSSteven walks in and looks for the Cable Guy's hidden camera as he speaks on the phone.STEVENCarmine from "Laverne and Shirley."RICKThat's so sad that you know that.Anyway, the cable company in town fired aguy six months ago named Darren Stevens.He stole the truck and disappeared.That's our guy.Steven finds a small camera in one of the television speakers. He rips it out.STEVENSo he doesn't even work for the CableCompany?97A	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHTQuick cuts of Steven bolting doors, and locking windows.RICK (VO)He was fired for beating up a customerwho yelled at him for being late. Acompany in Denver thinks they might havea lead on who he really is.If I were you I'd lock down tonight.I'll call you when I get some more info.98	INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - NIGHTSteven is watching television. He struggles to stay awake.ON THE TV - Court TV. The prosecutor in the Sam Sweet trial is speaking.PROSECUTOR (ON TV)Don't let your memories of these cutetwins distract you from the fact thatthis funny star of a situation comedykilled his own brother in cold blood,then called the police and said he waskilled by an Asian gang. There was nolaugh-track on that night.The prosecutor's words turn into gibberish as Steven's eyes go heavy and he falls asleep.99	ON STEVEN - HE IS ASLEEP	HE SLOWLY WAKES UP.The gibberish turns into clearly spoken words, only this time the voice sounds more familiar.ON THE TV - We see the Sam Sweet trial. A prosecutor makes a passionate final summation. We reveal that it is the Cable Guy.CABLE GUYThis man killed his own brother. Somepeople don't even have a brother...The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy's face. He looks to camera.CABLE GUY...do they Steven? Are you listening tome? Don't shut it off. Don't shut it --ON STEVEN - He shuts off the TV, and walks out of the room.100	INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUSThe entire apartment appears much larger. Steven walks down the hallway. He looks into the living room and sees Rick.RICKWhy do you keep icing me man?100A	INT. ELONGATED BATHROOM - CONTINUOUSHe opens up a door and sees an elongated version of his bathroom. The shower is steaming. The two eight year old Sweet twins stand in front of it looking very spooky. He quickly closes the door.100B	INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUSHe continues down the hallway and opens the door to the dining room, but when he opens it he sees Robin's bedroom.100C	INT. ROIN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSRobin is in bed. A man wearing a cable installer's uniform is smothering her with a pillow. The man turns -- it is Steven. He quickly closes the door.100D	INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUSHe hears someone pounding on the front door. He opens the door. Nobody is there. Then the Cable Guy pops into frame holding a cut cord.CABLE GUYYou owe me!Steven slams the door. Then looks through the peep hole.101	P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLEThe Cable Guy begins to run full speed at the door. As he does he gets bigger and bigger, and more distorted as he come closer to the peephole. BANG! He hits the door. Then disappears from frame. A moment later he stumbles back into frame, then walks to the far end of the hall, and runs again to the door even faster. BANG! He staggers back into position again. He runs toward the door.102	INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUSSteven runs away from the front door. The door smashes open, and the Cable Guy runs after him.Steven runs away down the hallway. The hallway appears to be a mile long. He tries to run fast but appears to move in almost slow motion. Every time he looks over his shoulder he sees the Cable Guy running at an alarmingly fast rate of speed toward him, grunting like a wolf. He looks back another time and the Cable Guy is gone.He keeps running, and the hallway starts getting smaller and smaller, till he can barely fit through. He becomes trapped at the end of the hall. Arms come out of the window behind him and grab him. Fifty Cable Guy faces pop out of the wall on both sides.CABLE GUYI just want to hang out. No big deal.Steven breaks free of the hands and runs into his living room.103	OMITTED104	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUSSteven runs in. The television is on. He sits on the edge of the couch not sure what to do.He puts his head down. When he looks up, he sees the Cable Guy's face on the television set. The Cable Guy's face stretches out from the television, getting larger and larger.CABLE GUYSteven, you're just like me. We're cutfrom the same cloth. We're one and thesame!Then it opens its mouth, and swallows Steven pulling him into the television.105	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHTSteven wakes up in a cold sweat.STEVEN(panting)Oh my god. She's right. I am asmotherer. I'm just like him.The phone rings.STEVENHello.CABLE GUY (VO)It didn't have to come to this Steven.We could have been blood brothers.STEVENRick told me you were fired from TheCable Company. You're not even a realcable guy.106	INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUSClose up of the Cable Guy's face.CABLE GUYDo you feel good now that you've hurt me?Well now I'm going to have to hurt you.I'm going to take away what you holddearest in the world.STEVEN (VO)I swear to God, if you touch --CABLE GUYCould you hold on a second, I've got callwaiting. It'll just be a sec.He clicks over. Steven just sits there, waiting. Waiting some more. Then the Cable Guy clicks back.CABLE GUYSorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah.You're going to feel my wrath.107	INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSSTEVEN(pleading)Don't do this. There must be some wayfor us to work this out.108	INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUSCABLE GUYI wish there was.(losing it)Oh Steven, I'm just so tired. So verytired.STEVENLet's talk in person. Where are you?(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)CABLE GUYI'm close. So very close.The camera rotates and reveals that the Cable Guy is actually lying down. Then the camera rises up and reveals that the Cable Guy is lying in the floorboards right underneath Steven. A single beam of light shines across his face. As he speaks a large daddy long legs spider crawls across his face. He never acknowledges it.CABLE GUYYou know, I don't think you're right forRobin. She needs someone who can besensitive to her needs. Someone whounderstands her soul.STEVENYou stay away from her.CABLE GUYAren't we the control freak. Looks likeyou're starting to sweat.STEVENI got the camera. You can't see me.Steven begins to pick his face.CABLE GUYOh yeah? Then why are you picking yourface?Steven throws the phone. When it lands we see the speaker phone light is on. He begins looking for the camera. He smashes his TV.JUMP CUTS - Steven tearing through everything in his apartment.CABLE GUYYou're getting closer.Steven overturns a CD rack.CABLE GUYPity, such a nice CD rack. You knowsometimes the answer is right under yournose.Steven lloks at the floorboards, then runs out of the room, and returns a moment later with an ax. He starts chopping at the floorboards, tearing the out.He looks down into the hole, he sees nothing. Then a hand grabs him by the shirt and pulls his face into the space in the floor. The Cable Guy's face appears in front of him, screaming like a mad man. He licks Steven's face quickly, then disappears back into the hole. Steven falls back. He hears the Cable Guy scuttle away.Steven sticks his head back down into the hole only to see the dust in the floorboards swirl in the aftermath of the Cable Guy's exit. He hears the Cable Guy crawling through the walls above him, then through the side walls, and away into the distance. When it clears he discovers a small makeshift observation room has been set up in the crawlspace.There are a few photos pasted to the floorboards. One shows the Cable Guy as a child standing next to his mother. Steven's picture has been pasted into those photos making him look like the Cable Guy's brother. The only other photo is of Jerry Springer. Steven sees a small television monitor and a set of headphones from which the Cable Guy has been watching him. He looks at a cellular phone. Every speed dial on the back of the phone says "Steven" next to it.Steven gets up, and runs out of his front door.108A	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHTIt is raining lightly outside. Steven is in his car. He pulls away quickly.109	INT. RICK'S NEWSROOM - NIGHTRick sits at his desk. The PHONE RINGS.RICKHello.109AA	INT. MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHTSuper Close Up - What the audience will think is Steven's mouth (actually the Cable Guy) speaking on a cellular phone.STEVENHey Rick. I need to meet with you rightaway. I've got some information aboutthis crazy cable guy.RICKMe too. I've got the whole story.STEVENThat's great. Let's meet at the oldschool at nine-thirty.RICKWhy all the way out there?STEVENI think he's been following me. Don't belate, buddy.109AB	EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHTSteven's car screeches to a stop. He runs up to Robin's door and starts knocking. Her FEMALE NEIGHBOOR opens her door.STEVENBe home! Be home!FEMALE NEIGHBOORGo away! I remember you. You're herobsessive boyfriend. She said you mightcome here. I'm calling the police.She closers her door. He runs off.109A	EXT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - NIGHTRick drives up, then walks into the building.110	INT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - CONTINUOUSRick walks through the school looking for Steven.RICKSteven? Steven?In the distance he sees Steven standing in the shadows.STEVENHey Rick. I'm really excited to hearwhat you found out about this nut.RICKI hit the Holy Grail. This guy is deeplytroubled. Only child. His mother wasarrested for prostitution, and phonesolicitation. Apparently she was somephone sex pioneer.STEVENNo way.RICKAnd get this, he was discharged from theMarines. He got mad at his Sergeant sohe sent a weapons silo to Defcon Twousing a Radio Shack computer. And that'snot the half of it.As Rick gets closer Steven steps forward out of the shadows, and we reveal that it is not Steven, but the Cable Guy, dressed like Steven, doing a perfect impression (actually the real voice of Steven looped into the Cable Guy's mouth - with a very slight lisp).CABLE GUYReally? Tell me more.Rick's face turns white. He stumbles backwards, trying to get away.CABLE GUYI'm very interested in learningeverything I can about that wacked outcable installer.He turns and runs. He is fifteen feet away from the Cable Guy.The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy. He pulls out a staple gun, and fires. We hear but do not see Rick yelp, and fall.CABLE GUYIt sounds like he might hurt somebody.110A	INT. STEVEN'S CAR - NIGHTSteven is driving in his car. His cellular phone rings. He picks it up.STEVEN(panicked)Hello.CABLE GUY (VO)(talks like a game show host)Nosey friends for two hundred. Thissupposed pal of Steven's is currentlyresiding in the intensive care unit ofGood Samaritan Hospital.STEVENRick.CABLE GUY (VO)I'm sorry, you didn't answer in the formof a question.He hangs up.111	OMITTED111A	EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHTSteven's car pulls up. He gets out, and runs toward the hospital.112	INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHTSteven flies through the swinging doors, and runs through the hallway of the hospital. He walks up to a DOCTOR.STEVEN(rapid fire)Rick Legatos. He's a friend of mine.Where is he?DOCTORRoom 205.STEVENCan I see him?DOCTORYes. But he can't speak. He's in shock.113	INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - MOMENTS LATERSteven enters the room. The camera pulls back to reveal Rick laying in full traction, face down, his rear end heavily bandaged. He is unconscious.Steven tentatively walks over to Rick's rear end. He pulls back a small portion of the bandage and sees that his butt is covered with staples. The staples form the shape of a television with an antenna. Inside the TV is the word "RING."STEVE(perplexed)Ring?The phone rings. Steven jumps, then picks up the phone.STEVENHello.CABLE GUY (VO)Poor Rick. Seems he had a littleaccident with the business end of astaple gun.(Revision Ends - Blue)STEVENYou're not going to get away with this.CABLE GUYThe question is, are you going to getaway with it? Apparently there was ananonymous tip placed to the policeleading them to a staple gun at the crimescene with your fingerprints all over it.ROBIN(VO)All right, I'm ready.114-6	OMITTED (NOW A PART OF SCENE 106)116A	INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUTWe reveal that the Cable Guy is at Robin's apartment. They are getting ready to go out.CABLE GUY(non psychotic voice)Be right there.STEVENWas that Robin?CABLE GUY(psychotic again)I've got to go. We're going to take aromantic stroll on the informationsuperhighway.Steven drops the phone, and runs out of the room.116B	INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUSSteven runs down the hall to the elevator. Before he reaches it the doors open, and the two policemen who arrested him at work walk out. Steven quickly turns left, but the policemen see him, and make chase.OFFICERHey, hold it!116C	EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHTSteven runs out of the hospital. The two policemen run after him, about twenty feet behind. Steven jumps in his car, and takes off. The police follow in their car.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)116D	EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHTSteven's car turns a corner, and flies down a busy boulevard. A second later the police cars follow with sirens blaring.116E	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHTThe Cable Guy and Robin are at the dish. He gives her the same tour he gave Steven earlier in the film.CABLE GUY...it all started in Lansford,Pennsylvania where Panther ValleyTelevision, with the assistance of JerrodElectronics, created the first cabletelevision system.116F	EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHTThe chase continues.116G	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHTThe Cable Guy and Robin are now standing on the edge of the dish.CABLE GUYThe future is now. Soon every Americanhome will integrate their television,phone, and computer. You'll be able tovisit the Louvre on one channel, andwatch female mud wrestling on another.You can do your shopping at home, or playa game of Mortal Kombat with a friend inVietnam.117	EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHTThe chase continues.Steven slams on the gas, until he is driving one-hundred miles-per-hour. He weaves in and out of traffic, running stop lights, and avoiding obstacles. The police cars disappear behind him. On a dime, Steven turns left onto a residential street and shuts off his lights. A moment later all of the police cars pass by. Steven pulls out and heads the other way.117A	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHTROBINThis is really fascinating, but I reallythink we ought to go now.CABLE GUYI knew you'd appreciate it. I tookSteven here once, and he didn't give arats ass about my interests.ROBINI'm worried about Steven.CABLE GUYMaybe Steven should be worried about you.(beat)So, where was I?118	OMITTED (NOW PART OF SCENE 109AB)119	OMITTED120	OMITTED121	OMITTED122	EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHTSteven drives his car up the muddy dirt road. It gets stuck in the mud. He gets out of the car, and begins walking to the satellite dish which is surrounded by a chain link fence. He hears the sounds of horse hooves coming closer, and closer. The  he sees a headless man on a horse ride straight toward the fence. The horse has the coat of arms from Medieval Times. When he reaches it he smashes off the chain with a sword, then rides through. The horse rears back on its hind legs.The horse runs full speed directly at Steven. At the last possible moment the horse jumps over Steven. When the horse stops, the Cable Guy pops his head through the top of his coat.CABLE GUY(chuckles)Ichabod Crane! The Disney Channel showedit all last month.The Cable Guy rides toward him again.CABLE GUY(like the Vegas announcer)Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmbbble!!!!(Revision Ends - Blue)This time when he gets near Steven, he leaps off the horse, onto him. They both slam into a puddle of mud. The Cable Guy punches him in the stomach, and then the face.STEVENWhere's Robin?!CABLE GUYThis isn't about Robin, this is about youand me.Steven charges directly at the Cable Guy.STEVENWhere's Robin?!!!Steven tackles him to the ground, and begins hitting him. They are both covered in mud like warriors from the rain forest. Steven grabs a large rock and holds it over his head.STEVENTell me!CABLE GUY(nonchalantly)I'm sorry, I didn't catch the question?Steven brings down the rock. At the last moment the Cable Guy moves his head. The rock slams into the ground.CABLE GUYSteven you've changed.(beat - then impressed)I like it.The Cable Guy convulses his body, pushing Steven off him.They wrestle on the ground. The Cable Guy gets on top of Steven, then pulls a power drill out of his belt and turns it on.CABLE GUYI think it's time to make you cable ready.He slowly brings the drill down to Steven. Steven blindly reaches behind him. He grasps a large branch and bats the Cable Guy off him.The Cable Guy grabs a large tree brance and runs towards Steven. They begin fighting in a fashion which mirrors their Medieval Times swordfight.CABLE GUYLast time we fought I let you win! Besttwo out of three!MUSIC UP: Ominous version of the 'Star Trek' battle music.CABLE GUY(crazed)You treat me like the TV! You use me, butyou can't live without me!The Cable Guy smashes Steven in the knee with his branch.CABLE GUYYou can't shut me off with your remotecontrol!!!! I'm not like Robin and Rickand Mommy and Daddy and brother andsister and cousin --Steven smashes him in the head with the branch.STEVENI got the point.The Cable Guy goes down. He appears to be unconscious.ROBIN(in the distance)Steven.He looks to the dish, but cannot see her.123	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - MOMENTS LATERSteven climbs over the edge into the dish. Below him he sees that the bottom of the dish is filled with several feet of rain water.Three wires go from the points on the edge of the dish, and meet at a point at the center of the satellite, thirty feet above the floor of the dish. ROBIN is hanging by her bound hands from the center of where those wires meet.Steven climbs down towrd the bottom of the dish.ROBINHelp me Steven!In the background we see the blurry image of the Cable Guy climbing through an entry hatch at the top of the dish. Robin's eyes fill with terror.ROBINSteven! Look out!CABLE GUY(mimics her)Yeah Steven. Look out!The Cable Guy leaps out of the hatch like a jack-in-the-box. He slides down the dish, knocking Steven down. The two tumble down the slope of the dish, and tumble all the way down into the water.CABLE GUY(sweetly, like a girl)I've missed you.The Cable Guy immediately punches Steven, sending him back into the water. The Cable Guy dives on top of him. A moment later the Cable Guy pulls Steven up, then grabs his collar and speaks right into his face.CABLE GUY(dramatically)"Dry land is not a myth, I've seen it."Kevin Costner from Waterworld. I don'tknow what the fuss was about, the movieruled, I saw it six times.He pulls Steven under the water, and tries to hold him there. He pulls him up after a few moments.CABLE GUYIsn't it weird that we'vve wound up inthis position?He pushes him under the water again. After a moment he pulls him back up. Steven gasps for air.CABLE GUYWho would have thunk it?Enraged, Steven punches him in the mouth with such tremendous force that it appears to have knocked his jaw out of alignment.CABLE GUY(without any lisp)You're gonna have to do better than thatSteven.(realizing his lisp is gone)Steven. Hey, my lisp is gone.Steven hits him again, this time on the other side of the face.CABLE GUY(lisping again)You stupid son of a bitch.The Cable Guy falls unconscious.ROBINSteven!Steven runs to her.124	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATERHe runs to the side of the dish. He realizes he must climb up to release her. He climbs onto the WIRE and begins tightrope walking toward her. He walks very slowly, almost losing his balance several times.STEVENHang on.CLOSE ON: The opposite wire. The Cable Guy's muddy hands slam onto it. He pulls himself up.CABLE GUY(laughs maniacally)I know what your saying. Who does thisguy think he is, Jason?STEVENStay away from her!Suddenly, the Cable Guy does a front flip, and lands perfectly on the wire.CABLE GUYI saw that in Trapeze, starring TonyCurtis. He was just on "Life-styles ofthe Rich and Famous." He still looksterrific.Steven is about ten feet from the dangling Robin, but the reverberation from the Cable Guy's landing makes Steven lose his balance. He falls over, but catches ont the wire. He is left hanging there.The Cable Guy sees this, and begins to run incredibly fast toward Robin.CABLE GUYAnd the race is on.He does a cartwheel on the strut, hops on one leg, then takes off toward her, running at full speed.Steven, left with no other option, simply bounces up and down on the wire. Robin sees this and joins him.The Cable Guy begins to lose his balance.CABLE GUY(knows he's about to fall)This is such an anti-climactic way to endthis.The Cable Guy loses his balance and falls to the water below. The Cable Guy has surely met his demise.125	EXT. SATELLITTE DISH - LATERSteven and Robin are sitting in the dish, a few feet from where the water begins. They are exhausted from their ordeal. They hold each other close.ROBINI'm sorry I didn't believe you. I loveyou.STEVENI love you too. You're right. Weshouldn't get married. I've got a lot ofproblems to work out which haveabsolutely nothing to do with you.ROBINWe'll work them out together.They kiss. Suddenly the Cable Guy pops up from underwater. He looks frightening. Then he starts coughing uncontrollably. He looks like a small boy who has swallowed too much water.CABLE GUY(between coughs)What just happened? Where am I?(remembers)Oh yeah, I was trying to kill you.He leaps at Steven, and puts him in a head-lock. He squeezes until Steven passes out. The he lays him on the ground.CABLE GUY(to Robin)It's a sleeper hold. Hulk Hogan used iton Sly Stallone in "Rocky Three." Heshould wake up in thirty seconds, solet's get going.He holds her around the neck, and puts a staple gun to her head, then walks her out of the dish.Steven slowly wakes up. He looks and sees the Cable Guy and Robin beginning to climb up the rdio antenna. He quickly gets up to follow them.126 EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHTThe Cable Guy and Robin climb the antenna. Steven follows them up from a distance.The Cable Guy and Robin reach a platform at the top of the antenna. The Cable Guy holds Robin with one hand, and holds a staple gun to her temple with the other hand. Steven climbs onto the platform.STEVENEasy.He walks with Robin to the edge of the platform. There is a one-hundred foot drop to the dish below. A police helicopter hovers in the air around them.CABLE GUYIt didn't have to be this way Steven. I'mjust trying to show you the kind ofthings that can happen when you mistreatpeople.STEVENDon't do anything stupid.CABLE GUYYou know this is just like that secen inthat Clint Eastwood movie "Dirty Harry" --STEVEN(snaps)No! This is not like anything! This isnot a movie! We're real people! You'rehurting us! This is reality!The Cable Guy's eyes turn sad. This hits the Cable Guy like a sucker punch. Dazed, he lets go of Robin. She runs to Steven's arms.From below we hear the sound of sirens. A pack of police cars pull up and surround the antenna. The Cable Guy's expression changes. He begins to look like a scared little boy.CABLE GUYIf this is reality...(he climbs onto the guard railing)...I am outta here.The Cable Guy slowly falls backward off the antenna.STEVENNooo!Steven lunges for the Cable Guy, grabbing his forearm, then grabbing the antenna with the other hand.STEVENYou're not going anywhere.The Cable Guy hangs high above the satellite dish. Steven tries to pull the Cable Guy back onto the platform, but the Cable Guy does not want to be saved.STEVENDon't do this. You just need help. We allget lonely.CABLE GUYYeah, but I get really lonely.(beat)I mean, look at me.STEVENYou're gonna be fine. Just come on up.CABLE GUY(a long beat)Steven, I think I sat too close to thetelevision. Mommy was right.Steven can't hold onto his forearm any longer. The Cable Guy's arm slips and Steven grabs onto his hand at the last possible second.CABLE GUYIt's too late for me, but there's a lotof little Cable Boys out there who stillhave a chance. Say good-bye to the baby-sitter.(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)The Cable Guy stops holding onto Steven's hand. He begins falling toward the dish below.126A	EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHTLONG WIDE SHOT of the entire antenna.The Cable Guy falls backward toward the satellite.127	INT. SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHTA nuclear family is watching court TV.On the TV - A REPORTER speaks to the camera from the courthouse.REPORTERThis is the moment America has beenwaiting for. We've just been told thejury is ready to render their decision.128	EXT. ANTENNA - CINTINUOUSThe Cable Guy sails through the air. As he falls he looks almost peaceful. Totally comfortable with what he is doing.128AA	INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - CONTINUOUSA COUCH POTATO sits on a fold out bed, his eyes glued on the television.ON THE TV - The COURT CLERK is about to read the jury's decision.COURT CLERKBy unanimous vote the defendant SamSweet...128AB	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUSCLOSE ON - The Cable Guy plummeting toward the dish, about to hit.128AC	INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUSThe camera flies through the crowd at the same speed as the Cable Guy straight into a close up of the television.COURT CLERK...has been found --We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.128A	EXT. TOP OF THE ANTENNA - CONTINUOUSSteven and Robin gasp.128B	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUSFrom below we see the Cable Guy's silhouette motionless on the struts of the satellite dish.128C	EXT. THE CITY - CONTINUOUSA wide panorama of the city. All of the color televisions which can be seen through the many windows of apartments and houses turn to white noise.128D	INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUSThe television shows white noise. Everyone screams at the TV.129	OMITTED130	OMITTED131	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUSThe Cable Guy appears dead. The needle of the antenna sticks through his mid-section. A red light blinks at the tip of the needle. Then, the Cable Guy's eyes open.CABLE GUYDamn, that hurt like a mother. What thehell was I thinking?(looks at the needle)Oh man, that stings.Steven and Robin look relieved.CABLE GUYA little help here!132	OMITTED133	OMITTED134	INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - NIGHTA pasty white couch potato stares at the white noise, not sure what to do. He turns and picks up a book. As music crescendos he begins to read.135	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATERThe Cable Guy is being taken away on a stretcher toward an emergency helicopter. Steven and Robin are covered in police blankets. Steven calls to a paramedic.STEVENIs he going to be all right?PARAMEDICI don't know. It's in God's hands.The paramedics put the Cable Guy on the helicopter. The helicopter flies away.P.O.V. SHOT - From the helicopter looking down on Steven and Robin holding each other, getting smaller and smaller until they disappear.136	INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUSThe Cable Guy lies in a stretcher next to the paramedic. He is barely conscious, struggling for survival.PARAMEDICHang in there buddy. Stay with me. Juststay with me.The Cable Guy's eyes slowly open. He motions for the paramedic to come closer.CABLE GUYAm I really your buddy?137	EXT. SKY - DAWNThe helicopter flies away.THE END
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