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+DOGMAEXT ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK - DAYJersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier,the ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline.An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away frombesmirching the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat.His face belies good years gone by - a face that has seen more sunrisesthan one would suspect. He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small,satisfied smile cross his face.Behind him. a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on theboardwalk. Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing astreet hockey ball between them proficiently. The Old Man views thembriefly. checks his watch, and looks back toward the ocean.The skates of the three hockey playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up totheir faces - now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod.Their skates glide out of frame.P.O.V. SKATERS - The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach.We get closer and closer to him until...One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhalesviolently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagelybeating on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them.Repeatedly their blades crash down hard on his head.OC VOICEI don't understand - how can you base your lack of belief in God on thewritings Lewis Caroll?The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse.Satisfied, they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk.INT AIRPORT - DAYLOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through themetal detectors. The Nun carries a donation can.LOKILeaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely at 'Through the LookingGlass' - particularly 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's themetaphorical meaning?NUNI wasn't aware there was one.                                   LOKIOh, but there is - it colorfully details the sham that is organizedreligion. The Walrus - with his girth and good-nature - obviously refers toeither the Buddha, or - with his tusks - the lovable Hindu elephant god,Lord Ganesha. This takes care of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is anobvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was purportedly raised the son of acarpenter. He represents the Western religions. And in the poem. what dothey do? They dupe all the oysters into followmg them. Then. when theoysters collective guard is down. the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck anddevour the helpless creatures, en masse. I don't know what that says toyou, but to me it says that following faiths based on these mythologicalfigures insures the destruction of one's inner-being.BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eatspopcorn and stares at...A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting lovedones, family.                                  OC LOKIOrganized religion destroys who we are or who we can be by inhibiting ouractions and decisions out of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakesa finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "No, no!"Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him,kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun.                                   LOKI'Through the Looking Glass' - a children's tale? I think not.                                    NUN(really dazed)I've... I've never really thought about it like that...(beat; shocked; off her cassock)What have I been doing with my life...?'.                                   LOKIDon't look back. Just get out there and taste life.(off donation can)Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for the gullible - it'sanother way the church is trying to control you. You take that money you'vebeen collecting for your parish reconstruction and go get yourself a nicepiece of ass. You deserve it.The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something.A passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Lokifaces the proper direction in his seat and plops down beside thestill-transfixed Bartleby.                                 BARTLEBY                               (looking OC)Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a fact that there is a God.You've been in his presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I justheard you claim to be an atheist.                                   LOKIC'mon man - you know I don't believe any of that shit I was telling her. Ijust like to fuck with the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her headstops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the Just again. But oh. willshe have a bunch to confess.(looks around)Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you feel the need to comehere all the time?                                 BARTLEBY(off travelers)I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best. Look at them.A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two youngLOVERS to embrace and kiss passionately.                                OC BARTLEBYAll that tension, all that anger and mistrust, forgotten for one perfectmoment when they come off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't evenknow that the girl cheated on him while he was away.OC LOKIShe did?Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals.                                 BARTLEBYUh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this moment because they're both sorelieved to be with one another. I like that. I just wish they could allfeel that way more offen.                                   LOKIMaybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts more often they would. Nowwhat was so friggin' important that I had to miss cartoons this morning? Ifit was to share in your half-assed obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'mgoing to slug you.                                 BARTLEBY(still looking OC)You're never going to believe this: we're going home.                                   LOKI(off Bartleby's popcorn)Let me have some?                                 BARTLEBY(pulls out envelope)Look what somebody sent us in the mail.(hands him a newspaper article and corn)                                   LOKIDid you say we're going home?(reads)"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on 'Catholicism - Wow!"Campaign."(to Bartleby)And?BARTLEBYKeep reading.                                   LOKI(reads)"Updating the church... television spots... Papal consent...rededication...(to Bartleby)Again - and?                                 BARTLEBY(snatches article) Give me this(getting up; reading)"The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on it's hundredth anniversaryis the kickoff of a new campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Churchback into the mainstream. With a papal sanction, the archway entrance tothe centuryold, Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway ofpleanry indulgence, which - according to Catholic beliefs - offers all whopass through it's arches a morally clean slate."(looks at Loki)You still don't get it, do you?                                   LOKINo, I don't get it. Are we leaving now?They start walking.                                 BARTLEBYIf you walk through the church's front door on the day of the Re-dedicationceremony, your soul is wiped clean of any and all existing sin, moreso thanthe sacrament of penance could ever offer. It's a plenary indulgence, man!I don't know why I never thought of this before.                                   LOKI(spits out chewed popcorn into trash can)Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up.                                 BARTLEBYIt's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has a papal sanction forGod's sake.                                   LOKISo you're saying you and I can walk through this doorway and go back home?                                 BARTLEBYNo - by passing through the doors, our sins areforgiven. Then all we have to do is die...                                   LOKIWait. wait, wait - Die? I don't want to die.(chews popcorn)                                 BARTLEBY(steps on conveyor belt)You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons?                                   LOKINo, but we don't even know if we can die. And what if we can, but thisarchway thing doesn't pan out? What then? Hell? Fuck that.(spits out chewed popcorn into napkin)                                 BARTLEBYImpossible. If we cut off our wings and transubstantiate to complete humanform then we become mortal. And if we die with clean souls, there's no wayto keep us out. They have to let us in.LOKI(beat)Who sent this thing?                                 BARTLEBYI don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us,I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is thatafter all these years, we've found a loophole. Hecan't keep us out anymore. And once we're backin, I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget.They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed.                                   LOKIYeah, but this plenary' indulgence thing is a church law, not DivineMandate. Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.                                 BARTLEBYOne of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the Sonof God before He left was "Whatever you hold true on earth..."                                   LOKI" ...I'll hold true in Heaven."                                 BARTLEBYSo if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's dogmatic law.                                   LOKI(beat; extends hand)Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail neveryielded positive results.                                 BARTLEBY(accepts hand)You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.                                   LOKIThere's just one thing I think I should do before we leave - somethingthat'Il get us back on His good side.BARTLEBYWhat's that?Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazinearticle.                                   LOKIThis is something I've been dreaming about for five years now. Read.The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongsidevarious profit charts and text.                                OC BARTLEBY                                 (reading)"Mooby the Golden Calf- Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity."Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article.LOKII want to hit them.                                 BARTLEBYAre you nuts?!(crumples article)We're mere days away from getting back, and you want to jeopardize itbecause you have a soft spot for the good ol' days?!                                   LOKIWhat better way to show I've repented than by resuming the position Idenied... thanks to you.                                 BARTLEBYA killing spree is not going to make things better for us.                                   LOKIWe're not talking about killing here. We're talking about Divine Justice.We're talking about punishing the wicked, raining down fire and brimstone.He's all about that. I just know he'd want this done.                                 BARTLEBYThere hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that meananything to you? Besides, what if you're wrong?                                   LOKIIf I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said - we pass through the arch andwe're forgiven anywayThey step up to an elevator and press the button.                                 BARTLEBY(considering it)Well... he does hate competition.(reading article)And this Mooby deninitely falls under that heading.                                   LOKIThe church we have to go to is where?                                 BARTLEBYNew ]ersey. The Rededication is in four days.The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well.                                   LOKIOur last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we cando the next best thing.BARTLEBYWhat's that?LOKILet's kill people.A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close.OPENING CREDITSBetween black cards with white credits there are shots of the OLD MAN fromthe boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated inthe emergeny room, being hooked up to life support system, and finallyresting in an intensive care wing.EXT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAYThe church sits on a grassy knoll in Mc Henry - a suburb of Chicago. Somekids tear by on bikes and egg it.                                 OC PRIESTThe greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life foundation will beholding it's bi-annual softball game against the Cook County Pro-Choiceleague next Sunday at two.INT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAYThe PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of thefaithful.                                  PRIESTThose who find the weekly demonstration outside ofthe Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard to make due to workschedules are urged to show their support in the fight against thethoughtless and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our boys on thefield. Refreshments. as always, will be served.Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on. we pass theparishoners. Some listen intently, others are nodding off. Onesurreptitiously listens to a Walk-man; a man and a woman quietly arguewhile their kid colors in a coloring book, going off the page and markingthe pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs through a copy of Hustlerhidden by his hymnal book.                                 OC PRIESTToday's second collection will be donated to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.For those of you who haven't been following the news, an unidentifiedhomeless man who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shorelast Tuesday lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area'shospitals. He lacks identification and police have had no luck in trackingdown any possible family. While he shows no signs of recovery, theArch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese has disputed the state's decision toremove the indigent man from life support systems, asking that Catholicsall over the country join in this protest against Euthanasia. And finally -will whoever keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank you. Now,please rise for the recession of faith. We believe in one God, thefather...As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY - abeautiful twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checksher watch and exhales softly.                                 OC VOICEI don't really want to be here.ENT PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC - DAYA small gaggle of signcarrying RIght-to-Lifer's march in front of thesterile looking building.                                 OC VOICEBut then again, I guess nobody ever does... except maybe you.INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAYThe source of the voice - a GIRL - sits beside Bethany's desk, stretchingout her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile.                                   GIRLYou know, I've done this three times now; and each time the counselor tellsme I should be more careful in the future, I should show' someresponsibility. Gotta tell you, though - this is the first time thecounselor wasn't some ugly as hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to takeabortion advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid in the firstplace.                                  BETHANYI'm not here to lecture you - I'm here to make sure you really want to gothrough with this.                                   GIRLI'd rather go back to that night when my idiot bovfriend swore up and downhe was sterile. Short of that, there aren't many choices left, now arethere?                                  BETHANYEver think about having it?                                   GIRL                                  (beat)What woman doesn't on some level.BETHANYI never did.GIRL                               (incredulous)You had an abortion?                                  BETHANY(lights a smoke)My first year in college. All through high school, I'd dated the same guy -Walter Flanagan. We were really in love, right? So much so. that we decidedto go Carnegie Mellon together... that's this college in Pittsburgh. Sothere we are -away at school, and there's suddenly no parents to worryabout anymore, so we're screwing like rabbits - just constanly doing it.And I wound up getting pregnant. So he begs me to have it. He says weshould quit school and get married, and I'm telling him that that'lI screwup our educations. We fought about it for a week - my arguement being therewas no rush to have kids, you know? We could always have a baby in a coupleof years - after school. So I got the abortion against his wishes... Imean, what the hell - it was my body, right? After graduation, we gotmarried and immediately set about trying to have kids. We tried like hellfor the first six months, and... nothing. So I went to a gynocologist tosee if everything was okay on my end.                                  (beat)                                It wasn't.(takes a drink)My uteran wall had this fissure. It seems that the doctor who performed theprocedure on me years before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able tohave a child.The Girl's face says it all. Bethany takes a drag and continues.                                  BETHANYSo there I am - devastated. And now I have to go home to break the news tomy husband who years before had begged me to have the baby - his baby. Andafter I explain it to him through my tears, he sits on the couch and rubshis eyes. And in the calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybodyuse in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I fought him, you know? Itried to talk him out of it; told him there were alternatives - like wecould adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife who could have hischildren.GIRL                                  (beat)What happened?                                  BETHANYHe remarried. He had two kids in two years with his new wife. We neverspoke again. And now I do this.                                   GIRLThat's like... such a sad story.                                  BETHANYI dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really into comic books. Hetold me I had the stock superhero story -I wanted to prevent a wrong thathad happened to me from ever happening to anyone else. Kind of like Batman,he said. The only difference is I don't put on tights to do it... unlessall my other clothes are in the wash.(smiles and puts out her smoke)So... let's go over your paperwork.EXT CLINIC - DAYA well-dressed LIZ maneuvers through the small thrall of Right-to-lifer's.They shake their placards at her accusingly.                                PROTESTOR 1You should be ashamed of yourself!PROTESTOR 2Child killer!                                    LIZ(looking over their shoulders)HOLY SHIT!! IT'S THE POPE!!As the thrall turns excitedly in an effort try to spy the imaginarypontiff, Liz ducks inside the clinic.INT CLINIC COFFEE ROOM - DAYA NEWSPAPER HEADLINE fills the frame - "CHURCH SAYS NO TO DEATH OF JOHNDOE". It's lowered to reveal Bethany, reading. Liz enters and hangs up hercoat.                                    LIZJesus! You're a Catholic, aren't you? Can't you talkto them or something?                                  BETHANYThey hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse - you're]ewish,you don't know any better.                                    LIZI don't think they'd accept that one - we already used it as our excuse forkilling Christ. So where were you yesterday morning - a bunch of us wentout for brunch?BETHANYI went to church.                                    LIZThat kills me. You and church. We work in a field that specializes inpissing off the cloth and you add insult to injury by breaking bread withthem every week.                                  BETHANYI sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. I can remember sitting inchurch when I was a kid and being moved - like everything meant something,like I was important. And the stories of all these holy people were soinspiring. Now I sit there and think about my checking, and what I'm goingto wear to work the next day.                                    LIZSo then why do you still go?                                  BETHANY(beat)You wouldn't believe me if I told you.                                    LIZYou think I'm going to mock your religious beliefs? We're friends, Bethany- I may mock you for being a divorce' at twenty five who's never had anorgasm, but I'd never mock you for having faith.                                  BETHANYThat's just it - I don't. I don't think I have any faith left.                                    LIZ(making coffee)I had a girl in here once - 'bout fifteen. She told me that faith is like aglass of water. When you're young, the glass is full, and it's easy to fillup. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amountof water doesn't fill the glass anymore. Periodically, the glass has to berefilled.                                  BETHANYA fifteen year old who came in here said that?                                    LIZShe had gotten knocked up by her pastor.                                  BETHANYJesus! See? A minister knocks up a teenager -isn't anyone afraid of theLord's wrath anymore?                                    LIZThat would require faith, and that commodity lately seems reserved only forthe psychotic zealots that hang around outside.(collects her things to leave)So what are you doing tonight?                                  BETHANYWatching T.V.                                    LIZGirl, you need a man. If only for ten minutes.                                  BETHANYIt's been my experience that the average male is never a man - not even forten minutes in his entire life span.                                    LIZUh-oh - that sounds militant. You thinking of joining the other side?                                  BETHANYCouldn't do it. Women are insane.                                    LIZThen girl, you better get back to church and ask God for a third option.BETHANYI think God is dead.                                    LIZThe sign of a true Catholic.Liz exits with her coffee. Bethany stares after her.INT A QUAINT SUBURBAN HOME - DAYThe Stygian Triplets kneel on one knee before a high-backed leather chair,upon which Sits a shadowy figure who we see from behind. They appear to bein a den or library.                              SHADOWY FIGUREAll proceeds according to plan. No doubt, the powers will attempt tocontact the Last Scion. You know where she is. She must be elliminatedbefoie she enters the frav. When she is negated, there will be nothing tointerfere with our plan. Shuffle her loose her mortal coil, that we mayobtain our final glory.                                  (beat)Go.The Stygian Triplets rise and skate off.INT BETHANY'S KITCHIEN - NIGHTThe fridge door opens and Bethany glances around inside. She pulls out achocolate cake and closes the door.INT BETHANY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHTBethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC t.v.The theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. Shesips some milk from a glass and has some more cake.INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHTBethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creakingfloor board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow.She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat.Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to beshooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethanyleaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one cansee an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze.                                   VOICE(powerful; booming)BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY ANDVOICEOF THE ONE TRUE GOD!The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of theroom, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is inmid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister,swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voicesputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stopssquirting and turns on her bedside lamp.A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves heraway. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops tothe floor, hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked.                                 METATRON(between coughs)Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the whole can?!Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively.                                  BETHANYWHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!                                 METATRON(slowly rising to it's feet)I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one who's pissed. That's rich!                                  BETHANY(reaching for phone, still holding bat)I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering, attempted arson... they'regoing to lock you up for life...!                                 M ETATRON(wiping off clothes)No dial tone.                                  BETHANY(ear to phone)You cut the phone lines...(even more offensive with bat)Get the fuck out of here, now!                                 METATRONOr you'll what - hit me with that fish?The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks.                                 METATRONNow just sit down on the bed and shut up!                                  BETHANYOh God - you're going to rape me...                                 METATRONI'm not going to rape you.(to itself; off clothes)Look at my suit...!                                  BETHANYTake whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me...                                 METATRONEnough with the raping already! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to.(unzips pants and pulls them off)Angels are ill-equipped.Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There isnothing where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth andanatomically impaired as a Ken doll.                                 METATRONSee? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.(rings out pants)You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think everyone's just waiting torape you.                                  BETHANYWh..what are you?                                 METATRONI'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes intoyour room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid.(pulls pants back on)Go get me a towel, will you?Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holdsit out to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off.                                 METATRON(taking off jacket)Stand back.Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it'sback, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall.                                 METATRON(tosses towel away)Like I was saying - I am the Metatron.Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looksinsulted.                                 METATRONMetatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?Bethany remains silent and wideyed. Metatron gets testy.                                 METATRONYou people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right?                                  (beat)I am a seraphim.(beat)The highest choir of angels?(beat)You do know what an angel is, don't you?Bethany slowly nods.                                 METATRONMetatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahooclaims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speakingto themselves.                                 BET HANY                                  (beat)Why doesn't God speak for himself?                                 METATRONAh. So glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that - humanbeings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstandthe awesomepower of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave inand your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam'sbefore we figured that out.                                  BETHANYAre you going to kill me?                                Ni ETATRONI could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately I can't. You'recalled.                                 BETH ANY                                  (beat)Called how? How called?                                 METATRONAll that from two words. Color this angel impressed.                                  BETHANY(beat)How do I know you're an angel?                                 METATRONOh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? Youpeople kill me. Fine. You want more proof? How about a tequila?(snaps fingers)INT MEXICAN BAR - NIGHTBethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at herpajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over.                                  BETHANYWhere the hell are we?!                                 METATRONThe only place one can go for good tequila.(to Waiter)Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass.                                  WAITERSi.The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as hegoes.                                 METATRONGracias, senor.                                  BETHANYWe're in Mexico?!                                 METATRONActually, we're in the Chilli's down the street from your house, but it was                         still an impressive trick(lights smoke)You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep ourprofile low.                                  BETHANYI suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud that this is the weirdestdream I've ever had.                                 METATRONCan you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have theminsist you're a dream? If I had an ego, it'd be bruised.                                  BETHANYWhat do you want with me?                                 METATRONI'm to charge you with a holy crusade.(pause)You do know what a crusade is, don't you?                                  BETHANY(sarcastically)Uh, yeah.                                 METATRONDon't give me that. Last time I charged someone with a crusade they had tolook the word up.                                  BETHANYWhy am I supposed to go on a crusade?                                 METATRONYour's is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately.The Waiter arrives with their drinks.                                 METATRONOh - Gracias!(he leaves; off the tequila)One of the only things your people have mastered since you crawled from theprimordial ooze.(sips)                                  BETHANYI work in an abortion clinic.                                 METATRON(spits tequila into empty glass)Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking youto part an ocean. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.                                 BETH ANYNew ]ersey.                                 METATRONSure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church on a very important day.Agreed?                                  BETHANYThat doesn't sound like a crusade.                                 METATRONAside from the fine print, that's it.                                  BETHANYWhat's the fine print?                                 METATRON(mumbles into glass)stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.Damn, this is good tequila.(sips)                                  BETHANYWait, wait, wait. Repeat that.                                 METATRONDamn, this is good tequila?                                  BETHANYThe first part.                                 METATRON(spits into empty glass)Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating allexistence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.                                  BETHANYClarify that.                                 METATRONThat's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. Noleaps of faith whatsoever. Alright -vou want the whole secret origin? Heregoes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and hiswrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom andGommorah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped outeverything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was Loki. Andhe was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath anylonger.                                  BETHANYWhy?                                 METATRONBecause he listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.                                  BETHANYGrigori?                                 METATRONOne of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess what they do?                                  BETHANYSo they're like Guardian angels?                                 METATRONExactly like that, but different. So one day, Loki's wiping out all thefirst born of Egypt...                                  BETHANYThe Tenth Plague.                                 METATRONSee? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankiy;mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenlytheology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted?(Bethany nods)So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend Bartleby outfor a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into thisdiscussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now,Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention thefact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in the end, Bartlebyconvinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one - one thatdoesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits:throws down his fiery sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for therest of us. because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could nolonger imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.                                  BETHANYSounds reasonable.                                 METATRONMaybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature.                                  BETHANYI mean about the angel of Death's resignation.                                 METATRONFor a liberal, yes, but this is the Angel of Death we're talking about. TheAngel of Death can't be a conscientious objector. The Angel of Death ischarged with meting out whatever justice God demands. So for theirinsolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowedback into Paradise.                                  BETHANYWere they sent to Hell?                                 METATRONWorse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the worldends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.                                  BETHANYAnd what's this have to do with me?                                 METATRONSomebody's clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allowthem to reenter Heaven.                                  BETHANYSo what? They beat the system. Good for them.                                 METATRONIt's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree.Now listen up because this part is very important: existence in all it'sform and splendor functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. Toprove God wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would becomedown, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. Inessence - if they are allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake theworld.                                  BETHANYAre these guys that bitter?                                 METATRONNo, that's the stupid part: they have no idea what their actions willresult in. As far as they know, they're just going home. Isn't that sweet?                                  BETHANYIf this is so major, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God dosomething?                                 METATRONHe could. He could blink them out of existence, destroy that church, turnthem into plants. But He'd rather see you take care of this one personally.                                  BETHANYWhy me?                                 METATRONBecause of who you are.                                  BETHANYAnd who am I?                                 METATRONThe girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions just serve yourpurpose.                                  BETHANYI'll pass.                                 METATRONI beg your pardon?                                  BETHANYWhen some asshole abortion doctor destroyed my uterus -where was God? Whenmyhusband decided he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his children- where wasGod? Now all the sudden, after all these years of quiet noninvolvement inmy life, Hesends one of His lackey's my way who tells me I should save the world, andas what -some sort of test? To Hell with Him.                                 METATRONDo yourself a favor Bethany - do the world a favor: let go of your pettycrap. It's served you precious little in the past, and it serves you evenless now when the fate of existencehangs in the balance. Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinkedout of being just because you have a grudge against your creator.                                  BETHANYA grudge? Do you know why I work in that clinic? It's my own private way ofsaying"fuck you" to God.                                 METATRONAnd any other day I'd say that's your business and your life, and enjoyyourself and goodnight. But this isn't about you - this is about eve~body.So you lost the abiliry to make life. You're being offered the chance toplay mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it.(swigs her drink and spits it out)But I can't make you. You'll do what you will. However, if you shoulddecide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't bealone. You'll have support.                                  BETHANYWhat, more angels?                                 NIETATRONProphets - although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them rightaway - one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks - and he will atgreat lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention ofhimself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll behelpfuljust the same.(looks at watch)I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to remember that we'reworking in a time frame here.Metatron moves to exit.                                  BETHANY(beat)Hey.(Metatron turns)You work for God.                                 METATRONThey tell me it's God. If it's not, I'm going to be severely pissed - whatwith all these years of bossing people around on his behalf andexpectorating perfectly good tequila.                                  BETHANYWhat's he like? God?                                 METATRON(thinks)Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.                                  BETHANYI'll bet.                                 METATRONLook at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him why you people had to lookso stupid while procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it all thetime, just for fun.                                  BETHANYBut we do.                                 METATRONI know. And you all look so damn stupid doing it. It kills us upstairs.                                  BETHANYSex is a joke in Heaven?                                 METATRONThe way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.And with that, Nietatron is gone. Bethany looks at her drink. A three-manmariachi band surround her and begin playing Prince's 'Little RedCorvette'.INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHTBethany startles awake. The radio on her night-table plays 'Little RedCorvette'. She lays back down.INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAYBethany sits at her desk, staring into space. A twenty-something girlspeaks, butBethany's not really listening. She's extremely preoccupied.INT CLINIC - NIGHTBethany shuts off the lights in the various rooms. She packs up her bag andturns on the alarm.EXT CLINIC - NIGHTBethany exits and locks the door behind her. She starts walking.As her feet tread lightly toward her car, three small shadows move towardher.Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rumages through her purse forher keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard movingslowly across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly.Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit peturbed.                                  BETHANY(calling into the darkness)God, what time do you people quit and go home?! Let's just save it fortomorrow, alright?There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped againstthe ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source.Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of herknee. Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, butshe ducks. The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through herpurse madly until another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with hisstick. Bethany looks up.The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They taptheir hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and facesthem defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her.And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing onthe ground between Bethany and her menacers. The Triplets stop short andregard the figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensivestance, Batman-style.The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew.From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into thestreetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick.He lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in theface, grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it intothe air behind him.The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of thelarge figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back Out like a sai. Heswings it out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. Thesmaller figure back flips into the larger figure's arms and kicks his feetinto the faces of the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smallerfigure leaps forward with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbowsinto their backs.The flrst struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure,screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throatand quicklyhead butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a beatand then shakes it off.The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into thedistance. He kicks at the falien Triplets as they scurry away.                               SMALL FIGURE(calling after them)GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS!(more to himself)Snoogans.The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at oneanother and shake hands.                               SMALL FIGUREDude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking asses!Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground.                                  BETHANYWhere... where did you learn to do... that stuff?!                               SMALL FIGUREFrom this comic book some guys made about us. Long story.                                  BETHANY(beat)I don't know what to say... or think.The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for thefirst time - two very familiar faces.                               SMALL FIGURESay you'll offer us sex as a reward.                                  BETHANYWho are you?The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand.                               SMALL FIGUREJay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob.                                 BIETHANYWell thank you for being out here so late... Come to think of it, what areyou doing out here so late?(freezes)Wait a second are you protestors?                                    JAYWhat's a protestor?                                  BETHANYYou're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?                                    JAYYou mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no.Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice:a woman 5 body is her own fuckingbusiness.                                  BETHANYThen - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hangingaround?                                    JAYWe're here to pick up chicks.                                  BETHANY(a bit stunned)Excuse me?                                    JAYWe figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why elsewould they be there unless they like to fuck.                                  BETHANY(taken aback)Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue... I think.                                    JAY(shocked)Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and you're just going to takeoff? What the shit is that?                                  BETHANYI had a weird night last night, and now tonight's not shaping up to be anybetter. I think I should go home, take some percosets, and lay down.(opens her car door)                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)How about that shit? Fuck this town, man - I'm going back to Jersey andselling weed~(they start walking)At least there I can get turned down while trying to make myself a profit.Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head.                                  BETHANY(to herself)You've gotta be kidding me.(thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait!She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively.                                  BETHANYSorry.(beat)Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this...(inhales deeply)Would you... like to have a drink with me?Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm.                                    JAYSee?! I told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! Thankyou!(looking skyward)Thank you, God!INT SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHTVarious guns are laid out atop a glass case.                                OC SALESMANNow this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but one look at it and nobody- I mean nobody - is going to fuck with you. Try it on.Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him.                                   LOKIIt's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, I'll say that much.                                 BARTLEBYIt's the weapon of choice these days.                                   LOKIIt seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked intimidating. How can Istrike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this?                                 SALESMANOh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante, right? Like Batman orsomething.                                   LOKIBatman never uses guns.(off gun)I don't know. It feels impersonal.                                 BARTLEBYThen don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste like Sodom and Gommorah.Now that was something.                                   LOKIOh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there and read. I had to do allthe work.                                 BARTLEBYWhat work? You lit a few fires.                                   LOKII rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.                                 BARTLEBYSure.                                   LOKIAre you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire.Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is themost exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.(to Salesman)I'll take this one.                                 SALESMANFive seventy five to walk with it right now.Loki starts sifting through his wallet.                                 BARTLEBYSoccer?INT DINER - NIGHTAn English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises thebread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stopschewing.Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, andnods.All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the Englishmuffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile aminute.                                  BETHANYAre you both from around here?                                    JAYI'm hard as hell.                                  BETHANYDo you live in the city?                                    JAYDo you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you going to do us both? If so,I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.                                  BETHANYYou're a man of principle. Where do you come from?                                    JAYWe used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real small town. We practicallyknew everybody.                                  BETHANYWhat brought you to McHenry?                                    JAYHollywood.                                  BETHANY(beat)Hollywood?                                    JAYOh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. And oneday this fuck wants to rent a video. So we did, only we didn't haveanyplace to watch it. So we went to the mall and popped it into a VCR atMacy's and sat on the floor and watched it. It was called 'SixteenCandles'. Did you ever see it?                                  BETHANYYes.                                    JAYSo the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club', and then 'Weird Science'where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and theydon't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then we got thrown out ofMacy's when we watched 'Pretty in Pink', because of this bitch.(points to Silent Bob)                                  BETHANY(to Silent Bob)What'd you do?                                    JAYYou know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets together with her dreamguy at the prom?(Bethany nods)Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts of loud and shit. And themanager's like "Get the hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you baldcocksucker! I'll kick your lard..                                  BETHANY(speeding him along)So what exactly brought you to Illinois?                                    JAYOh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, inIllinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kickall the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson- he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I saysto Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection inShermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught abus. But when we got here,you know what we found Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind ofshit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!                                  BETHANYAnd now you live here?                                    JAYFuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a stupid accent so youdon't know what they're saying, and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talkingabout taking off. Until we met you, that is.(kisses her hand)                                  BETHANY(retracts her hand)Right. So how much longer are you staying here?                                    JAYUntil you're ready to skip out and make with the sex.                                  BETHANYNo. How long are you staying in McHenry?                                    JAYWe're leaving tomorrow.                                  BETHANYWhere are you going next?                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions.(to Bethany)Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like fiveyears now. It's about time for us to retire or something. Enjoy our saladyears. No more adventures.                                  BETHANYI see.(sips her coffee)                                    JAYYeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them inthe ass?                                  BETHANYI didn't ask you out for sex.                                    JAYI'll take head.                                  BETHANYI don't know why, but...(composes herself)...I want to go with you.                                    JAYWhat, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?(shrugs to Silent Bob)Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.                                  BETHANYNo, I want to go with you to New Jersey.                                    JAYReally? You're the only chick I ever met that wanted to go to Jersey. Mostchicks try to get out.                                  BETHANYWhen can we leave?                                    JAYWait a second! What is this shit? Are we going fuck or not?                                  BETHANYYou're going to lead me somewhere.                                    JAYMe lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am half the time. If we're notgoing to fuck then what the hell did you ask me out for?                                  BETHANYSomeone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed togo. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot.                                    JAYWhat the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass fromsome angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~..(to Silent Bob)Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex?(to Bethany)...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, andyou don't even know where it is?                                  BETHANY(beat)Do you believe in God?                                    JAY(horrified)Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come outof that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak!(to Silent Bob, getting up)Let's go...                                  BETHANY(grabbing his sleeve)No. wait...                                    JAY(pulling back)I'll scream rape.                                  BETHANYI can pay you.                                    JAY(quickly sitting back down)Pay?                                  BETHANYFor being my guide. You were going to leave anyway; all I'm asking is totag along and see where it leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and allexpenses.                                    JAY(thinks; to Silent Bob)I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, andwe're in that fucked up bar.(to Bethany)What about sex?                                  BETHANYNo sex.                                    JAYAlright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got likefive minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would youfuck us then?                                  BETHANYIn that highly unlikely situation?(beat)Yeah, sure.                                    JAYYeah? You slut. Noonch.(to Silent Bob)What do you think?Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up.                                    JAYAlright. But I'll drive.EXT MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHTBethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, reving awfullyloudly.INT BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHTThe speedometer reads ninety five.Jay drives, eyes glued to the road. happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to hisright. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortableand dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races.                                  BETHANY(yelling over engine noise)What gear are you in?                                    JAY(not looking back)Gear?EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHTJay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is openand smoke billows out.                                    JAY(defensively)Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever drove before!Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head.                                    JAYChicks.Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working onthe engine as a cross~ountry bus races by.INT BUS - NIGHTBartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares atthe gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them.                                 BARTLEBYWe have to pass through three more states to get to New Jersey: Indianna,Ohio, and Pennsylvania.                                   LOKIWith a very important stop in Cleveland.                                 BARTLEBYOh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like a bad movie.                                   LOKIMovies are bullshit. And don't start with me, airight. The last time youbugged me about my job, you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin.(looks out window)All this time we've been down here, why didn't we ever leave the Cheese?                                 BARTLEBYHe said to stay where he put us. We feared worse punishment if we disobeyedHim again.                                   LOKIWhere were we afraid He'd send us?                                 BARTLEBYNew Jersey.                                   LOKINow that, my friend. is irony.                                 BARTLEBY(beat)You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter. How can you even be sureof what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. Remember wheneating meat on Friday was supposed to be a Hellworthy tresspass? Or whenpeople weren't even supposed to shop on Sundays?                                   LOKIThat stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never change. And believe me- I can spot a commandment breaker a mile away.                                 BARTLEBYSure.                                   LOKIYou don't believe me?(looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple)There. There's one.                                 BARTLEBY(off couple)So what? They're kissing.                                   LOKIAdultery.                                 BARTLEBYThat's a stretch. How do you know they're not dating?                                   LOKIYou'd know better than me - let's hear it.                                 BARTLEBYOh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up on the job you really are.                                   LOKIA test?                                 BARTLEBYOf sorts. So what's your proof?                                   LOKIHe's wearing a wedding band.                                 BARTLEBYSo? Maybe that's his wife.                                   LOKINo married man kisses his wife like that. You get married and the passiondies, man. Don't you ever watch talk shows?                                 BARTLEBYWhat are you talking about?                                   LOKIA guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the object of his desire iswon, there's no need to expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfiedwith the spoils of victory, which he then decides isn't so victoriousbecause he's saddled with a life-mate.                                 BARTLEBYVery romantic sentiment.                                   LOKIThat's the problem - romance. You think about it :back in the old days,nobody got married out of quote, unquote, love. People married forproperty', dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself throughoffspring. When did all this love stuff start? What the hell happened tothe status quo?                                 BARTLEBYThe Troubadors.                                   LOKILionel Richie's old group?                                 BARTLEBYNo, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were wandering minstrels anddramatists that sang melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love.                                   LOKISounds like the Commodores.                                 BARTLEBYThe Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their influence altered thebalance in a significant fashion. Until them, people got married becausethey had to. After them, people started 'falling in love'. Romanticcourtships became the norm. What started out as simple entertainment madesuch a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way society operates.                                   LOKIThat's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one daythey're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and startlooking for Shermer, Illinois.                                 BARTLEBYBe fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb.(off couple)So is it adultery or not?                                   LOKI(thinks; to couple)Excuse me.The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki.                                   LOKIAre you married?                                    MAN(puzzled)Why?                                   LOKIJust curious.                                    MAN(holds up ring finger)What do you think?The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a"Satisfled?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder.                                    MAN(breaks kiss; pissed)What?!                                   LOKITo her?                                    MANWhat?                                   LOKIAre you married to her?                                    MANNot that it's any of your fucking business, but no! Why?!Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the manin the head. Screaming ensues.EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHTThe bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After abeat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone.                                 BARTLEBYYou're such an asshole.                                   LOKIDon't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores.                                 BARTLEBYTroubadors.EXT ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWNSilent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him variouswrenches. Bethany steams off to the side.                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well,maybe you, but definitely not me.(beat)Let me know how she is.                                  BETHANY(turns on him)Nobody is fucking me! You got that?!                                    JAYAt least not in this car.                                  BETHANY(sighs)I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't know what I was thinking.But being that I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is whereyou two get off.                                    JAYYou're breaking up with us?                                  BETHANYGood luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever it is vou're looking for.Sorry for the inconvenience. Good bye.Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked.                                    JAY(to Bethany)Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breakingpeople's hearts like that! We fell in love with you! Guys like us don'tjust fall out of the sky, you know!On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky. landing between the twoparties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, andashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees androlls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward asSilent Bob joins him.                                    JAY(yelling up)A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from the sky, you know?!(beat; to Silent Bob)Was worth a try.Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest.                                  BETHANYNo heartbeat.                                    JAYDo you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'? Did you ever see thatflick?                                  BETHANY(starts CPR'ing him)I think there would have been more of a mess if he fell from that high.                                    MANNot necessarily.Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face.                                    JAYKILL IT!! KILL IT!!                                    MANThat sounds familiar.                                  BETHANYJesus, are you okay?                                    MANRufus. And yes, I'm fine.                                    JAYHe's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!!                                   RUFUS(getting up with Bethany's help)What happened to your car? You clock ninety in first gear or something?                                    JAYMind your own fucking business!                                   RUFUS(to Jay)Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not easy and it ga\e me a fuckingmigraine. Now if you don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off.                                    JAY(hiding behind Silent Bob)I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain!                                  BETHANYI think he was aiming a bit further south.(to Rufus)Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus, is it?                                   RUFUSRufus it is, Miss.(to Silent Bob)Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your coat 'till I can find myown threads?Jay looks at Silent Bob.                                    JAYDude, he fell out of thin air!Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs.                                    JAYDude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor!                                   RUFUS(to Silent Bob)I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother.Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits.                                  BETHANYWhere exactly did you fall from?                                   RUFUSSome might say grace.                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)Dude, he's talking about your mom.Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there.Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustlesslightly.                                OC BETHANYYou know, normally I'd have a hard time with this, but somehow you fallingout of the sky seems to go hand in glove with some of the other stuff I'vebeen deaiing with.                                 OC RUFUSBelieve me - you ain't seen nothing yet.Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps outat him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick.The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANYRufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side.Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. Herolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it.Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it uphard, into the Triplet's forhead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's sideand plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC.The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and ripsdownward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it,disappearing.Jay and Silent Bob look at eachother, blink, and embrace passionately.The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick inlancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself,grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in anarch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and itseals shut.Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock.                                    JAYAlright - what's with you, lady?! That's the second time you got attackedby the fucking Mighty Ducks!                                   RUFUS(wiping off hands)Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here just in time.                                  BETHANYHow can you be so composed? We were almost killed.                                   RUFUSDeath is a worry of the living. The dead only worry about decay andnecrophiliacs.                                    JAYSee! I told you he was the undead!                                  RU FUSNot the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me the secret to resurrectiononce when we were at a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it.                                  BETHANY                               (incredulous)Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ?                                   RUFUSKnew him? I saw him naked.                                  BETHANYLet me guess - you're another angel?                                   RUFUSNo, I'm a man - just like you and him.(looks at Jay)Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man. Been dead for nearly twothousand years. Here.(pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear)                                    JAYNo wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj.                                  BETHANY(unrollingit)It's not a joint.(looks at it)I can't read this.                                   RUFUSIt's Sanskiit. It says "Rufus - see you in two years. Jesus." Freaked meout because he basically told me when my number was up. Took the flavor outof the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving. If we stay in one placelong enough, those things are liable to come back. What say we continuethis discussion over something to eat?                                  BETHANY(snaps)WAIT A SECOND!(inhales deeply)I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is where you, and those...kids came from?!                                   RUFUSThey came from Hell. I came from Heaven.(walking away)Let's start walking.                                    JAYWalk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere?                                   RUFUSBack in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere. Did you ever hear ofa fat apostle?(exits)Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability.                                    JAYWhat's an apostle?Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other.EXT MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWNA large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city. hasn't started upyet. A pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby andLoki jump out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering wavedthank-you's to the driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out thearticle and looks at it. He looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby,smiling. They head toward the front doors.INT QUAlNT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWNA ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move fromthe seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's originalowners, and come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seatedon a couch. They look scared.                                  FIGUREHello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the phone guy... I'll leavethem a message... Bye.The Figure hangs up the phone and rises.                                  FIGUREYou say the girl has already met the prophets?The Stygian Triplets nod.                                  FIGUREShe grows closer to learning her true identity. If that happens, our planis jeopardized. I can't afford to go into the field - that might compromiseus further. The best course of action is to insure that our parcel is notfound. And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'mleft with no choice but to seek outside assistance in guarding our package.(sighs)I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan.The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock.EXT FAST FOOD JOINT - DAWNRufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food toan outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob.                                   RUFUS(off new clothes)It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I tell you I'd find somethreads?A car full of teens whip past them.                                   TEEN(yelling from passing car)GARBAGE PICKER!                                   RUFUS(waves to them)Thank you.(to group)What's that mean?                                    JAYIt means they saw you pull that shit out of that dumpster.                                   RUFUSSo it's a good thing, then.(handing coat back to Silent Bob)I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this back.                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)Lucky you.                                   RUFUS(off food)Damn, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat'smilk. What do you call this shit?                                  BETHANY(to Rufus)Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining some things to me.                                   RUFUSLike what?                                  BETHANYLike - for starters - who the hell are those kids that keep attacking me?                                   RUFUSNasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets. They're not reallyrelated. When they were alive they were a trio of kids that snatched aneighbor's toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see what it lookedlike" I believe was their defense. They were killed in a car wreck on theway to a detention center.                                  BETHANYSo they're dead too?                                   RUFUSYou'd be surprised how many dead people are just walking around - we'restubborn bastards. Thing is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Whichmeans that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're willing tosummon demons.                                  BETHANYIs it those two angels I'm supposed to stop?                                   RUFUSCouldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid.                                    JAY(to Bethany)Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this shit? We don't even knowwho this guy is. For all you know, he's in with those fucks. They bothshowed up at the same time.                                  BETHANYI hate to say it - but he does have a point. How did you know where to findus?                                   RUFUSYou know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living.Especially in the shower.                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)I can't wait to die.                                  BETHANYAnd why are you watching me?                                   RUFUSBecause you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in thatbook you all hold so much stock in.                                    JAYHustler?                                   RUFUSThe Bible.                                  BETHANYWhat's your beef with the Bible?                                   RUFUSI'm not in it.                                    JAYNeither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching.                                   RUFUSBut I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth Apostle.                                  BETHANYI've been going to church my entire life and I've never heard of athirteenth apostle named Rufus.                                   RUFUSSee? You know all about the other twelve Apostles -white boys, I might add.But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just mypet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people arebasing a faith on.                                  BETHANYWhat's that?                                   RUFUSJesus wasn't white; He was black.Rufus bites into his sandwhich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him andthen each other.                                    JAYBullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has blonde hair and blueeyes.                                   RUFUS(wiping hands)That's what's particularly insulting. Between the time when He establishedthe faith and the church started to officially organize, the powers-that-bedecided that while the message of Christ was integral, the fact that He wasblack was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric,even though the brother was blacker than Jesse.                                  BETHANYIf that's true, then why'd He get written about while you were left out?                                   RUFUSWell He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of hard to have the NewTestament without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on Hisethnicity. Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve apostles tochoose from.                                    JAYI don't buy it.                                   RUFUSThat's what the good people of Antioch were saying when they stoned my ass.                                  BETHANYYou were martyred?                                   RUFUSThat's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned toshit by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the worldand spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christianfollowing, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing aboutJesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He wasblack, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressedthe point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not toaccessonze.                                 BETH ANYWhy didn't you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting?                                   RUFUSBecause it's part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the goodshit: life eternal, a place in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they'regetting all this from a black Jesus, they freak. And that - my friends - iscalled Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept a black Savior.(to Silent Bob)You going to eat that hash brown?                                  BETHANYSo you went to Heaven?                                   RUFUSShit yeah; it was the least the brother could do. I gave up my sheep andfollowed His ass around Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time,did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch, because I was into Hismessage. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that Hewas black. That's why I'm going to help you find stop those angels fromgetting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.                                  BETHANYHow do you know about that?                                   RUFUSHeaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium isnews. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a greattediumbreaker. Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you.                                  BETHANYI find that hard to believe.                                   RUFUSWhen you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.                                    JAY(shocked)You did that?                                  BETHANYYeah... but I never told anyone about it.                                   RUFUSNeither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later. His name was...                                  BETHANY...BryanJohnson.                                   RUFUSYour exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in Heaven. Probably inHell, too.Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go.                                    JAY(intrigued)Tell me something about me.                                   RUFUS(preoccupied with the OC Bethany)You masturbate more than anybody else on the planet.                                    JAYShit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.                                   RUFUSYou think about guys when you do it.Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked.                                    JAYNot all the time!Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddie-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufusjoins her.                                   RUFUSI'm sorty if I spooked you.                                  BETHANYI just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine exclusively.                                   RUFUSThat's the way it goes with celebrities.                                  BETHANYWhat are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just a quiet girl from thesuburbs who counsels pregnant teens.                                   RUFUSYou sound like Christ. He had the same reaction when He found out who Hewas, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm sureyou'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to.                                  BETHANYWhy not get the pope or someone holy like that?                                   RUFUSJust because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man forthe job. Only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink ofdestruction. last time it was Jesus - this time it's you.                                  BETHANYWhy me?                                   RUFUSCan't say yet. But the question is - are your hands capable enough to carrythe burden. It all rides on you.                                  BFTRANY(rubbing her temples)Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. You know,yesterday I wasn't sure God even existed. And now I'm upto my ass inChristian Mythology.                                   RUFUSGod hates it when it's referred to as Mythology.                                  BFTHANYWell then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets' what we should call itinstead.(looking OC; concerned)Now where did those two assholes go?INT STRIP JOINTIt's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of menpaying way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights andchock full of smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting themusic. The crowd is rather thin.Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on...The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, andgrowing littler by the second.Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nicepile and stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. TheDancer smiles and starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot andperforms his own little seductive dance ~th it. He stands at the edge ofthe stage, ~'rating. The Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in herG-string. She rubs his head and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair,excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay.                                  BETHANY(shouting above the music)What are you doing?                                    JAYProving to this bastard that I ain't gay.                                  BETHANYWhat?                                   RUFUSLong story - forget it. But we should get moving. How can we get to NewJersey?                                  BETHANYI had a car.She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn'tfeel it.                                  BETHANY(to Rufus)We could go by train.                                   RUFUS(looking OC)Sounds cool.                                  BETHANYThere's a phone out there. I'll call for reservations.Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side.                                  BETHANYNo, it's okay. I can handle it.Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits.The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself.Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills.ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blackswatch the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them.                                    JAY(banging on stage)Sweet thing!(Hashes another five)Look what I found! Snoog!The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by morebanging.The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar billfrom his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of hisposse smile and slap hands.The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading towardthe Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob.The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiouslyloud throat~learing.Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding.The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The GangLeader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly.The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leaderproduces two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader- produces three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash.Jay hits Silent Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle,gyrating and sizing up the best offer.Jay then produces the creme'de Ia creme': three hundred dollar bills. Hesneers at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps herlegs around him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares atthe Gang Leader, a victorious smirk on his face.The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat,producing a gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The musicscratches to a halt and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The GangLeader points his piece at Jay, his posse backing him up.                                GANG LEADERYou a smart ass, ain'tcha, white boy? Come in here and ruin my good time.                                    JAYIt's a free country. The bitch just came to the man with the most.                                  DANCERBitch?                                    JAYNo offense, baby.                                GANG LEADERThe bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with the most - the man with themost led in his piece. While you and tubby are leaving with the most led inyour dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin?                                    JAY(to Dancer)Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussyass, Nino Brown wanna-bedown.                                  DANCER(to Gang Leader)Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary.                                GANG LEADERShut the fuck up and back away from the midget!The Dancer moves to the side.                                GANG LEADER(to Jay)Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe you were about tointone some pleas for mercy. You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, Ididn't mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept my most humbleapology.Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, butRufus holds her back An OC Jay laughs.Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily.                                    JAYYou want an apology?                                GANG LEADER(cocks gun)Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and ltll put a kill shot through thatthick fucking skull of your's. Otherwise we go slow and long in the paindispensation.                                    JAY(beat; zips jacket closed)Know what I'm doing?                                GANG LEADERNo. What you doing?                                    JAYI'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this up, I don't get yourfilthy fucking brain guts all over my shirt. You know why?                                GANG LEADERWhy?                                    JAYBecause you can't get shit stains out of flannel. What I'm saying is thatyou got shit for brains.The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment.                                GANG LEADERWell I appreciate you breaking that down for me, but I got it without theexplanation.                                    JAYNo. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's gonna he some nine'sfiring in here, and when the bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass isgonna be all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me and walk away?Fuck that. And fuck you - you punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you amonkey! Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap you, I'll bring acoconut to your funeral and lay it on your grave; stick a straw through itand stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll reach.The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're sofrightened.                                    JAYYou think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit, if I don't fuckingplant you - watermelon - my muscle here will.(thumbs at Silent Bob)What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love chicks. So he's gotta bewith me for one reason: to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words- he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's thinking about how he'sgonna take you and your bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets inyour bodies before they cool down. You know why? Because he likes to seethe hot steam coming off them when he sprays them down. Come to think ofit, I~m tired of talking to your dumb ass; you probably don't evenunderstand big words like 'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain itto you.(to Silent Bob)Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches.Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks athim.                                    JAYWhat are you waiting for?!Silent Bob shrugs.                                    JAY(flabbergasted)YOU DON'T RAVE A GUN?!?Silent Bob kind of nods                                    JAY(shocked)WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'THAVE A GUN?!?Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly.                                    JAYTHAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK IWOULD'VE SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOUDIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!?(beat)HUNHH?!?Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles.GANG LEADERWhat was that about a coconut?Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob.                                    JAYNo gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All this time and you got nogun!GANG LEADEROh boys! We have some unfinished business here.                                    JAY(sheepishly)Can we talk this over?                                GANG LEADERTell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap you. Talk all you like.Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. Heputs a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action,smiling.Jay fumes.                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)I can't believe you.(to Gang Leader)Do me a favor.(points to Silent Bob)Shoot this piece of shit first.(to Silent Bob; disgusted)No gun!Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay andSilent Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones andbegins scratching a record. A familiar tune begins.The Gang watches, perplexed.Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing.                                SILENT BOBHEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT!AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!!AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!!WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW!WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG!LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER -WHILE WE DO OUR THANG!The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softensand smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up.                                    JAYNA , NA, NA! GON NA HAVE A GOOD TIME!                                SILENT BOB(as Fat Albert)HEY! HEY! HEY!                                    JAYNA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed.                                   RUFUSI thought she looked familiar.                                  BETHANYWho?                                   RUFUS(he nods toward the stage)Serendipity.Bethany looks to the stage.The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow.INT. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAYOh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby,the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation onBarney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits inthe middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls areadorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in astupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue ofthe insipid creature.Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. Theychatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters,taking his place at the head of the conference table.                                 WHITLANDGood morning, shoppers.(slaps a file on table)Has anyone seen the over-night's?An anticipatory hush fills the room.                                 WHITLANDWe creamed 'em.A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles.                                 WHITLAND(reading from file)And last night was a rerun, which says to me that with the six months wehave to ready and promote the 'Very Nlooby Christmas' pay-per-view special,we can produce history-making numbers. The record is held by thatshock-jock's New Year's thing, but I see no reason why our little cash cowcan't supercede those numbers and...(stops and sniffs the air)Do I smell onions?Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki iscarving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on.Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them.                                 WHITLANDI didn't realize we had guests. Who are these gentlemen with?The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has.                                 WHITLAND(to Bartleby and Loki)Excuse me.Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head.Loki lifts his head without looking up.                                   LOKI(very distracted)Hmm?                                 WHITLANDMay I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?                                   LOKI(still preoccupied)My friend just has a few words for you, and then we'll be on our way.Heading to Jersey, you see. Now -by the decor, I assume I'm guessingcorrectly that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby ProductionsInternational?                                 WHITLANDYou guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck you are and - again - whatthe fuck you're doing in our conference room?                                   LOKI(to Bartleby, still not looking up)You may proceed, mon ami'.                                 BARTLEBYI can't believe you.(to Whitland)I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend here has a penchanttoward the dramatic, so he's making me do this. Usually, I don't eveninvolve myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in awhile, so hewants...                                   LOKI(frustrated)Just read 'em their rights already.                                 BARTLEBY(sighs; circling the table)Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff -a former kindergartenteacher - in nineteen eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morningschedule on local network K-REL Bought by the Complex Corporation innineteen ninety one and broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-TimeHour', it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, andspawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, alibrary of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed'MoobyWorld'.(beat)Did I miss anything?Whitland and company stare for a beat.                                 WHITLANDYou forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to this?                                 BARTLEBY(grimly)You and your board are idolators.Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and standsbeside Bartleby.                                   LOKI(to Bartleby)How could your forget the magazine?Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up thesculpture.                                   LOKIIt's you.(sets sculpture on table)Do you know much about voo-doo? Fascinating practice, very close toSatanism, but not really much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just anarrangements of superstitions, the most well- known of which is the voo-doodoll.(sneezes; waits; continues)A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods, and thedesired result is that the individual will feel the effects.                                 WHITLAND(to nearest board member)Call security - now.Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord.                                   LOKIAll lines are currently down.                                 BARTLEBY(to Whitland)Again -. I apologize for my friend's...                                   LOKI(frustrated)Would you just get on with it?!                                 BARTLEBY(miffed; to Whitland)You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship from the Lord.You've broken the first commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none ofyou passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockeryof morality.(looks to Loki; Loki nods)Like you - Mister Bernard.(stands behind board member)Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years, eight times - twicewith prostitutes. You even had sex with her best friend while she was ather garden club meeting and you were supposed to be watching your kids.                                   LOKIIn the bed you and your wife share, no less.The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moveson.                                  BARTLBYAnd you, Mister Newman.Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania'and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through theroom.                                 BARTLEBYYou got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party, and then paida kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, justso you could break up with her - guilt free - when she sobbingly confessedthe next morning that she cheated on you. She killed herself three monthslater. You sent flowers to her wake.The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and movesquickly around the table.                                 BARTLEBY(not liking his job)Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran put his mother in athird-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her house topurchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker flew to the Phillipineson the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy; MisterBloom okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he knew were unsafeand toxic materials because it was less costly.Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved.                                 BARTLEBYYou, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life and havenever misused your power here.She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on.                                 BARTLEBYBut you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than thisassembled party. I can't even mention them aloud.Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear.Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland.                                   LOKIYou're her father, you sick fuck.Whitland begins sobbing.                                 BARTLEBY(to Loki)Can I go now?                                   LOKI(cheerily rubbing his head)Go on, you crazy kid.Bartlebv exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others.                                   LOKIWith the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a decent human being amongstyou. Do you know what makes a human being decent?(beat)Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything to fearanymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behindyour false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in secrecy even fromone another. But not from God.Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around.                                   LOKII forgot my little voo-doo doll.(looks at Whitland)Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure.Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. Hesweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out ashriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed.Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed.                                   LOKII don't believe in voo-doo.Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doorsburst open and Loki storms back in.                                   LOKIBut I do believe in this.Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in aflurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head withher arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair.                                   LOKI(smiling)It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were bad men. You are a puresoul.She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens.                                   LOKIBut you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed.He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut.                                OC BARTLEBY(cautionary)Loki!Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece.                                   LOKI(to woman)Sorry. Force of habit.He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opensher eyes and looks around.INT STRIP JOINT - LATERJay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the othergangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's.                                GANG LEADER(to Gang)Watch this shit.(to Jay)Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth.                                    JAY(swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth')Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert.The Gang laughs hysterically.                                GANGSTER 1Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit!Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away.                                   RUFUS(elated)I forgot you were down here! How long now?                                SERENDIPITYThree years this August. What about you - is this another temporaryexpulsion? You and your 'Christ was down' campaign?                                  BETHANYWhat does that mean - another expulsion? I thought you came down herespecifically to help me?SERENDIPITYIs that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out constantly; at least once amonth, ethereal time. They always bring him back, but only after a few daysof peace and quiet - free from that black nationalist rhetoric.                                   RUFUS(joking)Artsy-fartsy bitch.                                SERENDIPITYWho you calling artsy-fartsy?                                   RUFUS(to Bethany)Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes back in Jerusalem.                                  BETHANYLet me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out of the bible because she'sa woman.                                   RUFUSThe girl's not a woman.(to Serendipity)No offense.                                  BETHANYOh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?                                SERENDIPITY(tugs on boobs)What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that titsdon't make a woman.                                   RUFUSHell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got tits - don't make him awoman.                                SERENDIPITYAside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing, what traditionally definesa woman falls between two things : her legs. But as you can see...Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly,revealing yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's.                                SERENDIPITYI lack definition.                                  OC JAYHey! They're getting a free show!Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party.                                  BETHANY(weary)Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron.                                SERENDIPITYHow do you know Metatron?(to Rufus)How does she know Metatron?                                   RUFUSThis is the last Scion.                                SERENDIPITY(beat)You're kidding.                                   RUFUSDon't you see the resemblance?                                SERENDIPITY(stares at Bethany)A bit.(suddenly nervous)Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up.                                  BETHANYI'm confused.                                   RUFUSBethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel, nor is she by anymeans a human being like I was and you are.SERENDIPITYAmen to that.(swigs her beer and spits it out)                                  BETHANYThen who is she?                                SERENDIPITYNot who - what. I haven't always been part of the anthropomorphic club. Iused to be an abstract.                                  BETHANYNow I'm really lost.                                   RUFUSSerendipity's an idea.                                SERENDIPITYTry all ideas.                                  BETHANYMeaning?                                SERENDIPITYI'm a muse, stupid.Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively.                                  BETHANYI can't take much more of this.(downs her beer)                                   RUFUS(to Serendipity)She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse.You can appreciate her frame of mind.                                  BETHANY(to Serendipity)So you - what - inspire people?                                SERENDIPITYWhat just went down with your friends over there-you don't think theythought of that themselves? I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert andpassed it along to the boys.                                   RUFUSIf she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines right now.                                  BETHANYYou made them sing that song?                                SERENDIPITYI offered them a solution out of the hole they dug for themselves.Thankfully, they took it.                                  BETHANYAre you kidding? Those two are so dense, they wouldn't get a good idea ifit was given to them in a specially marked box.                                SERENDIPITYDense people are the most open to suggestion - it's vou so-calledintelligent folks that have a hard time accepting a good idea.                                   RUFUSAin't that the truth.                                  BETHANYProve it. Give me a good idea.                                SERENDIPITYIf I do, and you accept it, then you'll have confirmation that you are - asyou say - dense.                                  BETHANY(beat)Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people do you inspire - besidesstupid ones?                                SERENDIPITYI used to specialize in entertainment - literature, theatre, so forth.                                  BETHANYMovies?                                SERENDIPITYIn some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets on the casting couch.                                  BETHANYWhat have I seen that you've been involved with?                                SERENDIPITYOff the top of my head - everything. Well almost everything. For example:I'm responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time.                                  BETHANYNine?                                SERENDIPITYThe one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get inand he fights them off?(Bethany nods)I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to getthe grosses up on that piece of shit.                                   RUFUSWhich brings us to the next logical question - what are you doingstripping?                                SERENDIPITYWell you remember why I left, right?                                   RUFUSYou were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit foryour ideas.                                SERENDIPITYAnd sick of watching incapable people take brilliant inspiration and turnout real trash.(to Bethany)So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. I gave my two weeksnotice. got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to make myfortune.                                  BETHANYSo what happened?                                SERENDIPITYWriter's block.                                   RUFUSWriter's block?                                SERENDIPITYCan you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of thetypewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. 1 can't even write agrocery list.                                  BETHANYWhat about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.                                SERENDIPITYThat's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second,but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.                                  BETHANYWhose?                                SERENDIPITYGod's.                                  BETHANYYou're saying God's a woman.                                SERENDIPITYWas there ever a doubt in your mind?                                  BETHANYThe possibility never presented itself. He's always referred to as a Him.                                SERENDIPITYI didn't write it that way My job stops at the idea stage. The person thatholds the pen adds their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men.One of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in theeditorial process.                                   RUFUSAnother one's that you can't jerk off.                                SERENDIPITY(to Bethany)See. these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees and High Priests feltthreatened by the idea of a woman lording over them and controlling theirfates. so they made sure that She became a He Doesn't stop with God - thewhole book is slanted and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for thefirst sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from Eden. a woman cutsSampson's coif of power, a woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.Read that book again some time - women are painted as bigger antagoniststhan the fucking Egyptians and Romans combined.                                  BETHANY(stunned)God is a woman...                                SERENDIPITYI don't know what the big surprise is - women are the only gender that cancreate life, just like God created the universe. Who else but a mothercould have the infinite patience with impudent children that God has withhumanity. A woman can give birth to and nurture both sexes, sopsychologists theorize that women are the only gender both sexes can feelcompletely comfortable with; and the faithful - both male and female - feelat ease with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is to implore theaid of the Almighty, just as when you're a child, the only person who canmake it all better is...                                  BETHANY...mom. God, it makes sense.                                   RUFUS(to Serendipity)Shit, you still have a knack for words.                                SERENDIPITYNot really useful in my new line of work.                                   RUFUSWhat about that? Why'd you choose stripping?                                SERENDIPITYIn an effort to create something artistic that I could claim as my own.See, I've been able to fool myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it'sdancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She won't even give me thatmuch - the way God designed dance, it's the only creative act which resultsin no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies or most other artsforms. when the dance is over, there's nothing to show for it - nothing tosave and enjoy... or sell.(takes a drink)Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse.                                   RUFUSHow long are you going to keep this up?                                SERENDIPITYBelieve me, I think about eating crow and going back to the grind from timeto time. But I'd hate to give Her the satisfaction of my playing theprodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being flesh anymore -especially this halfway crap. Not only do I have to take care of theaesthetic - the showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I can'ttake advantage of the benefits - like getting laid or using my period as anexcuse not to get laid...(conspiratorily to Bethany)...the only true boon to having a period, from what I understand.                                   RLFLSWell we could sure use your help. We need someone with good ideas. Youremember a couple of angels named Loki and Bartleby?SERENDIPITYSure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal with a conscience.                                   RUFUSThey found a way back.                                SERENDIPITY(shocked)God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole?                                  BETHANYYou know about that?                                SERENDIPITYI always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics todestroy existence.                                   RUFUSBethany's Catholic.                                SERENDIPITYMy condolences.                                  BETHANYWhat do you have against Catholics?                                SERENDIPITYEver been to a Catholic mass?                                  BETHANYOnce or twice.                                SERENDIPITYIt's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel, leave.And the whole time you'd rather be watching t.v.You people don't celebrate your faith - you mourn it.                                  BETHANYSo if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion?                                SERENDIPITYWhen are you people going to learn? It's not about right or wrong - it's aquestion of faith. It doesn't matter what you believe in - just that youbelieve.Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas.                                    JAYLook! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang!Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the onc~imroom. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepiafilter - the light and vapors surrounding him are brown.                                  FIGURE(deep, gutteral hiss)Not born... shit into existence.Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air.                                    JAYWho farted?                                SERENDIPITYSweet Christ, someone wants you bad.                                  BETHANYWhat do you mean? What's that smell?                                   RUFUSDon't tell me that's who I think it is.                                SERENDIPIThThe stench should say it all.                                  BETHANYWho the hell is it?!                                SERENDIPITYAn excremental - the Golgothan.                                  BETHANYA what?                                   RUFUSA shit-demon.The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group.                                  NO-MANNo... man. ..of...woman.. born...The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses.                                GANG LEADER(to Jay; loading his piece)Friend of your's?                                    JAY(to group)Is this smelly fuck with us?                                   RUFUSHe's coming for Bethany.                                    JAY(to Gang Leader)Smoke that mother fucker like it ain't no thang!                                GANG LEADERI knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent!The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly,the room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes fromstaring wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay andSilent Bob look up.The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered inmurky, creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoopsa finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling.Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed.                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)I guess we're in charge of the gang now.                                  BETHANYWhat the fuck happened?!?                                SERENDIPITYGo for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his short-term memory's forshit.                                    JAYSo's the rest of him.                                   RUFUSNo chance of taking him down?                                SERENDIPITYGee. I don't know. Let's ask the gangstas.                                   RUFUSYou're right; let's book.They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launchinga huge glob of shit through the air.                                    JAY(running; seeing it coming)SHIT!!!Everyone leaps behind the bar. The shit flies over them and slams againstthe mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entireframe, and burns in an acidic fashion.Jay stares, horrified.                                    JAYNow that... is some powerful shit.Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door.                                SERENDIPITYQuick! Get in!Bethany, Rufus, jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipityfollows, pulling the door shut on top of them.INT BASEMENTOur heroes cower beneath the floor door.                                    JAYWhat is that thing?                                SERENDIPITYYou ever hear of Golgotha?                                  BETHANYSkull place. The hill where Christ was crucified.                                SERENDIPITY(peering above)Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the Romans crucified everybodyon that hill. Ahd Christ excluded, they were all criminals - killers,brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, theirbodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder inthe process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: theGolgothan Shit-Demon - Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you,girlie.Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of shit dripsthrough it.                                  BETHANYWhat are we doing down here, then?. Any second now he'll be blastingthrough that door!                                SERENDIPITYShit's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple of minutes, he'll forgetwhat he came for.Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bobtaps Rufus and points. Rufus reacts.                                   RUFUS(indicating trickling shit)Looks like it's been taking memory training courses...                                SERENDIPITY(off trickle)JUMP!!!The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode,dumping a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMananew. NoMan lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain theirbearings on the floor, crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himselfoff, rolling it around in It's hands.                                SERENDIPITYIf anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest you start whipping themout.Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then,something occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The otherscontinue moving back.                                  BETHANYBob, get down! Jay!                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor!Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls asmile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls asmall canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into theface of the Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shitball in It'shand drops to the floor, and then so does It.Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd aroundSilent Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoeth, then to SilentBob.                                  BETHANY(off Bob's canister)What was that?Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of GladeAir Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob.                                  BETHANY(reading can)'Knocks strong odors out.'                                   RUFUSWay to go. tubby.                                  BETHANYWhy would you ever carrs this?Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look atjay.                                    JAYWhat?!                                   RUFUS(to Serendipity)Who has dominion over this thing?                                SERENDIPITYOnly Lucifer can order a killing. But something doesn't make sense: thisthing never travels alone - with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd neverallow it. It usually has some kind of backup.                                   RUFUSCan you get some answers?                                SERENDIPITYI can give it a shot.                                  BETHANYWhat's going on?                                   RUFUSSerendipity's going to talk to that demon.                                    JAYCool! Can we watch?                                SERENDIPITYNot a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the weak-minded.                                    JAYFuck you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk to him in his ownlanguage! See...?(makes the universal metal sign)he'd understand this.                                SERENDIPITY(shakes her head; to Rufus)Whoever sent this might send mor~. I suggest you take the princess and getas far away as possible.(to Bethany)I'll do what I can to extract some info from shit-boy here. If there'sanything helpful. I'll get it to you somehow.                                  BETHANY(hugs her)Thank you. And... you're a great dancer.                                SERENDIPITYI'm a better juggler.(to jay and Silent Bob)You know you're supposed to be prophets. right? Start acting like prophets.You should have seen that thing coming.                                    JAY(to Bethany)Why the hell are we getting yelled at?!                                SERENDIPITYJust watch out for Bethany. Go.Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs.                                    JAY(to Silent Bob)Man, bitch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking, she can tell us what todo.                                  BETHANYShe told me that if you behave, she'll give you head.                                    JAY(excited)Yeah?.                                  BETHANYOh, a demon'd have a field day with you.Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps.                                  OC JAY(beat)Shut up.                                OC BETHANYYou shut up.                                SERENDIPITY(to Rufus)Nice girl.                                   RUFUSComes from good stock.                                SERENDIPITYYou haven't told her yet?                                   RUFUSNot the right time.                                SERENDIPITYHow uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the lips...                                   RUFUSThe nails.Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracksup.                                SERENDIPITYBlasphemer.Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise.                                SERENDIPITYShit. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash.                                   RUFUS(hugs her)Good luck.Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity tunrs on the Golgothan.                                SERENDIPITYAlright, Stinky - let's see what you know.EXT CHURCH -DAYA suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters.                                    MANAnd now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness' 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign,ladies and gentlemen of the press, I give you the driving force behind themovement - Cardinal Glick.The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one asmore of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers.                                   GLICKThank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's chief patrons, whodonated the stained-glass likeness of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery thatwelcomes you as you enter the church every Sunday.(off index cards)Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny that the Catholic Churchhas fallen behind somewhat in the times. Catholicism usually strikes theaverage person as an old-fashioned remedy for the ills - both moral andpsychological - of a society that has since left it's stringent rules andornate rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track cassettes. And in aneffort to disprove that, the Church has appointed this year as a time ofrenewal, both of faith and of style. So, it is with great pleasure, that Ipresent you and your parish - mere days away from it's centennialcelebration - and the continental United States, via Satellite with thefirst of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -Wow!' campaign will unveil overthe next year.                                (applause)Now, what does this mean for the average church-goer? Are we going to throwout the rule book and adopt a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No.We're simply talking about a few minor alterations to both the aestheticand theoretical aspects of a religion that boasts one of the highestmembership numbers on the planet.A few applause ring out. Glick smiles.                                   GLICKThank you, thank you. So what are we talking about here. Well, forexample...(pulls out crucifix)while it has been a time-honored and traditional symboL of our faith, wehave decided to retire the highly recognizable, yet wholely depressingsymbol of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well, look at it. Wouldyou relish being a member of a group that uses a man nailed to two piecesof wood as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've got enoughdowners in my daily routine without having to deal with this visualeverytime I go to worship. lnstead, the church is going to adopt this new,more soothing and inspiring sigil, which we feel is in-line with our newoutlook.Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure ofChrist smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes.                                   GLICKSee? Isn't this better? How could you not feel just great walking into achurch and seeing this behind the priest - a positive reinforcement thatwhatever we do, God thinks is 'a~kay'. I love this thing, it's so...                                REPORTER I(interupting)Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought to it's position on johnDoe Jersey? Will he be given the right to die with dignity?Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes.                                   GLICKC'mon people. We're not here to talk about that. It's an issue we standfirm on - euthanasia is a big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder.Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're here to talk about thislittle guy - your friend and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see iton chains around people's necks, and as the new background in avant garde,MTV videos?INT BUS TERNIINAL - DAYThe image of the 'Happy jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a t.v.monitor, a label reading U\'E VIA SATELLITE - RED BANK. NEW JERSEY' at thebottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another.                                   LOKIAnd you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence over this culture.                                 BARTLEBYWe're getting out of here at just the right time. These people are nuts.                                   LOKI(off t.v.)And that's the church we're heading to?                                 BARTLEBY(steps to ticket window)If you want to go home...(to WOMAN in window)Two tickets to New Jersey, please.                                   WOMANJersey's sold out, sir.                                 BARTLEBYAre you sure?                                   WOMANThe computer says.                                   LOKICome on - how many people can possibly be going to New Jersey?                                   WOMANEnough to fill a bus.                                 BARTLEBY(to Loki)You had to drag that judgement out. You couldn't just hit and run.(to Woman)When's the next one?                                   WOMANSame time tomorrow.                                 BARTLEBYWhat?! Doesn't this place warrant at least two buses a day?                                   WOMANI take it you've never been to the Garden State. Next.Bartleby and Loki look around.                                   LOKIThere's no one else here.                                   WOMANThen I guess it's lunch time.(she shuts her window)                                   LOKIWe should have learned to drive a long time ago. Infinite celestial powerand we can't catch a bus.                                 BARTLEBYJust shut up, this is your fault.                                   LOKIYou can either lament over our mass transit folly, or you can listen to mysuggestion.                                 BARTLEBYIt's your suggestions that prevent us from negotiating what should be asimple matter of catching or staying on a bus!                                   LOKIWhy fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?                                 BARTLEBY(stares at him)Fly?                                   LOKIWe got wings, right? Let's use them.                                 OC VOICEI wouldn't suggest that.The pair spin and gawk.AZRAEL leans in the doorway. He removes his hat, revealing two stubbyhorns.                                  AZRAELYou wouldn't want to stand out, now would you?INT STRIP JOINT BASEMENT - DUSKNoMan is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Serendipity draws acircle around him with lipstick. Once finished. she takes a glass of waterand throws it into No Man's face. It roars to life. The Golgothan shakes ofhis daze, turning his attention on Serendipity.                                   NoMANThe Muse. They told us you were up here.                                SERENDIPITYMatter of perspective. NoMan. I like to think of it as 'down here'. I havea few questions for you, sir.                                   NoManFree us from these binds, that you may have answers.                                SERENDIPITY(heads toward it)Okay.(stops; sarcastic)Oh wait. I'm smarter than that.NoMan lets out a bellow.                                SERENDIPITYFace it, big guy - I'm not releasing you until I get answers. This can gohard or easy. The sooner I get what I want, the sooner you'll be free. Now,you can start by telling me why you're on this plane?                                   NoMAN(beat)Liquidate the Last Scion.                                SERENDIPITYSee? That wasn't so hard. Now - who sent you? Was it Lucifer?NoMan laughs in a sinister fashion.                                   NoMANOur master is no one and all. For a time, he will be prince of this world -and the fate of those who dwell in it will be at the mercy of his whimsy.And then he will sever reality and crush existence, like a thumb puncturesa fontanell, giving peace to those who've been without for so long.                                SERENDIPITYDid Bartleby and Loki send you?                                   NoMANResist no further, Muse. Deliver over to us the conflicted one, that thisworld may die screaming. No power - divine or inherited - threatens thecrusade. You cannot win. Soon will rise of the cry of the abandonned,begging your God to put an end to the madness. And only as being becomesnot, will they know that the God of Abraham lay dormant while the dreamperished in a blink. Your God is not dead - He's brain dead.                                SERENDIPITYShe, you chauvinist bastard - She's brain dead. And no She's not. Stoptrying to be so spooky. Tell me who sent vou, or I'll use whateverinfluence I have below' to make Hell even worse for you.                                   NoMANYou speak of Azrael.(he laughs)We pity you. Muse. You're still playing the old game. The one that couldhave made good on your threat is gone.                                SERENDIPITYWhat do you mean. gone? He escaped?                                   NoMANNo soul escapes Hell, but one.(beat - as if It's heard something)Would that I could cross the threshold of your confining circle, I wouldcrush your half-life throat. But my Master does not abandon me to thismockery of a prison. We will come back for the girl. And when we do, itwill take more than fragrant mist to keep our hands from crushing her head.NoMan goes stiff and then limp. His body begins to melt.INT TOY STORE - DAYAzrael leads Bartleby and Loki through the aisles, passing tons of stuffedanimals.                                 BARTLEBYJesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?                                  AZRAELI told them I was coming up on a routine possession. I don't have muchtime. If they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.                                 BARTLEIBYYou lied?                                   LOKIGo figure. Him. A demon.(to Azrael)Why'd you bring us in here?                                  AZRAELBecause you two fucks are inches away from getting yourselves caught. Goingaround killing people, about to uncase your wings... don't you have anyidea what's going on?                                   LOKIWe're going back home.                                  AZRAELAre you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven?                                 BARTLEBYWhy not? We're going back clean.                                  AZ RAELLet me let you in on a little secret, okay: everyone is looking for you.Both sides - above and below. The orders are to terminate you on sight.                                 BARTLEBY(shocked)Why?                                  AZRAELYou're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God'spissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because youassholes might just succeed where he's failed so many times, making himlook bad.                                 BARTLEBYSo they're going to kill us?!?                                  AZRAELThey're going to try'. That's why you have to travel incognito - tone downyour behavior, stay off their respective radars. Go about this thing moresubtly. Quit killing people - that's high profile. And for God's sake,don't uncase your wings until you have to transubstantiate. Because theminute you let them flap, legions of thrones and hordes of demons willfight each other over who gets to kill you first.(looksOC)Shhhh!A WOMAN and her small DAUGHTER walk past. While the Woman looks at theitems on the top shelf, Loki pulls off Azrael's hat and taps the Daughteron the shoulder. He points to Azrael's horns. The Woman pulls the Daughterfurther down the aisle, oblivious to the trio.                                 DAUGHTERMommy, that man had horns.Azrael grabs his hat and puts it back on.                                  AZRAELThat's the kind of shit I'm talking about!                                   LOKIOh, lighten up.                                 BARTLEBY(still reeling)I can't believe they want to kill us.                                  AZRAELBelieve it, boys. They've even got the Last Scion looking for you.                                   LOKIYou're kidding!                                  AZRAELThis is big. I'm telling you. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides,and they'll stop at nothing to prevent it.                                   LOKIIf that's the case, then why aren't you hunting for us too?                                  AZRAELBecause I want to see you go back. You were both given a raw deal; almostas raw as mine. If you make it back, then I figure there's hope for me.(looks around)In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation. Ifanything else comes up, I'll contact you.                                 BARTLEBYThank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.                                  AZRAELWould you expect anything less from a demon. I have to get back to the Pit,before they get suspicious.(turns to leave)                                   LOKIHey Az - what's it like down there. Is it as bad as they say?                                  AZRAELGive you a hint: they've been playing 'Mrs. Doubtfire' continuously for twoyears now.(exits)                                   LOKI(looks at Bartleby)Shit man - that is punishment.EXT CONTRYSIDE - NIGHTThe Train chugs through the darkness.INT TRAIN - NIGHTBethany and Rufus sit across from one another. They stare out the window.                                   RUFUSHow you coping, kid?                                  BETHANYIt's weird. just when I think I've got a handle on things. somethingwholely unbelievable presents itself. Sometimes I wish I had just stayedhome.                                   RUFUSYou sound like the Man.                                  BETHANY(beat)What was He like?                                   RUFUSJesus? Black.                                  BETHANYBesides that.                                   RUFUSThe brother was centered. I mean, He was God, right? But I think He feltleft out because He was more than human, you know? We used to sit aroundthe fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be talking about what ass-holesthe Romans were or getting laid...                                  BETHANYSome things never change.                                   RUFUS...and He'd just sit there listening and smiling. We'd ask Him why He neverjoined in the convo, but He said He just liked to hear us talk; aboutanything. Said it was like music. I think He just wished He had unimportantshit to talk about himself.                                  BETHANYHow does He feel now?                                   RUFUSHe still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that getscarried out in His name - wars, bigotry, but especially the factioning ofall the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always,built a belief structure on it.                                  BETHANYHaving beliefs isn't good?                                   RUFUSI think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing abelief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working fromidea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limitgrowth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one thingthe Man hated - still life. He wanted everyone to be as enthralled withliving as He was. Maybe it hadsomething to do with knowing when He was going to die. but Christ had thisvitality that I've never encountered in another person since. You know whatI'm saving?                                  BETHANYHe was big on life?                                   RUFUSIt was more than that. He was the only person I ever knew who never engagedin that most ancient of life-affirming activities.                                  BETHANYSex.                                   RUFUSDebate. That's the only way people know how to reaffirm that they're alive- by debating. In all it's forms. People spend their whole lives debating:we fight about who's right and who's wrong, we fight ourselves, we fighteach other, we fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over fights. Webelieve that to stop debating - in any fashion -is to stop living and giveup. People say that life's a struggle, but it's not. Life is living. I'meven guilty of it myself, the way I go on about Christ's ethnicity,fighting for the truth to come out. And I'm dead. Even in death, the onlyway I know how to live is through debate. That's sad, isn't it?                                 BETIIANYNot if you believe it's important for people to know.                                   RUFUSA belief's a dangerous thing, Bethany. People die for it. People kill forit. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the CatholicBelief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. And whetherthey know it or not, Bartleby and Loki are exploiting that belief, and ifthey're successful, you, me. all of this... ends in a heartbeat.(beat)All over a belief.Bethany nods. Rufus looks around.                                   RUFUSI haven't seen the moron twins in awhile.                                  BETHANYThey went to the lounge car to smoke.(getting up)I'll go find them; make sure they're not getting into any trouble.                                   RUFUSI'm going to catch a few z's. Forgot how tiring living can be.Bethanv heads off Rufus looks out the window, then shuts his eyes.INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHTBethany enters and spots jay and Silent Bob, talking to an unseen party.                                  BETHANYYou two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?                                    JAYNope. Just about to smoke a bowl with our new friends. You in?                                  BETHANYAnd who are your new friends?                                    JAYThey just got in at the last stop.Silent Bob moves over, revealing the new friends.                                    JAYThis is Larry and Barry.Bartleby and Loki smile at Bethany.                                   LOKIJay tells us you're going to sleep with him.EXT TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHTThe train rushes over head.INT LOUNGE CAR - LATERLoki, Jay, and Silent Bob pass a joint under the table and take quick hits,trying to remain casual. Jay pounds the table happily.Bartleby and Bethany lay on either side of the table in their booth.                                  BETHANYYou can smoke up with them if you want. You don't have to keep me company.                                 BARTLEBYIt's a long trip. There'll be plenty of time later.(beat)So why are you heading to Jersey?                                  BETRANYThere's just this thing there I'm supposed to do. How about you?                                 BARTLEBYWe're going home.                                  BETHANYDo you two live together?                                 BARTLEBYUnfortunately. Do you live with those guys?                                 B ETHANYGod, no. Not they just sort of adopted me.                                 BARTLEBYThey're funny as hell. The big one never says a word.                                  BETHANYI wish the little one would take a cue from him. But they're okay, as faras stoner's go.                                 BARTLEBYLo... Larry's taken an immediate shine to them, and he usually hatespeople.                                 BETIIANYHow long've you two been together?                                 BARTLEBYAwhile. He's great company. He can be a little flaky sometimes, but we'vegot a lot in common.                                  BETHANYHow'd you meet?                                 BARTLEBYWe were stationed together.                                  BETHANYSee? That's beautiful. And everyone's always up-in-arms about this'out-in-the-military' issue.                                 BARTLEBYWhat do you mean?                                  BETHANYWell there's all that macho bullshit about it being 'This Man's Army'. Andyou two meet and hook up while in the service, which is so special -because it's so hard to meet anyone you can seriously relate to...                                 BARTLEBY(catches on)You think we're lovers?! Oh no. No, we're not gay.                                  BETHANY(laughs)Oh God, I'm sorry'. I just assumed...                                 BARTLEBYNo. We live together and all, but at the end of the night, I go to my room.and he goes to his.(beat)Why? Do I come off as gay?                                  BETHANY(laughing)No, not at all. I'm sorry. My ex-husband kind of fouled up my relationshipawareness barometer.                                 BARTLEBYYou're divorced?                                  BETHANYThat's the nice way of putting it. I consider it being dumped.                                 BARTLEBYI was dumped once. More or less.                                  BETHANYIt's terrible, isn't it? Don't you constantly question your value - likewhy was I so easy to cast aside? Didn't I have merit?                                 BARTLEBYAnd you wonder if the other party's going to come to their senses and callyou back.                                 BETIIANYThe worst is that I still think like a couple. After all these years, Istill have the 'we' mentality.                                 BARTLEBYMine grew out of what was really a stupid misunderstanding. Amisunderstanding that grew into a total withdrawl of communication.Abandonment. And even though it was years ago, there's not a day that goesby that I don't wonder what went wrong. And then it hits me - I wasreplaced by someone. A lot of someones.                                 BET HANYAnd they always tell you it'll hurt less with time...                                 BARTLEBY...when actually, it hurts more.                                  BETHANY(beat)You know what we need? We need some drinks. A lot of drinks. Do you agree?                                 BARTLEBYWhole-heartedly.INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHTRufus continues to slumber.INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHTJay is asleep on Silent Bob's shoulder, drooling slightly. Loki talks withSilent Bob.                                   LOKII'm telling you, man - it's all about organized religion and society'sbattle against it. The Rebels are fighting the Empire, right? Now theEmpire is led by whom? Darth Vader? No. It's led by the Emperor. And theEmperor is a practitioner of the Force, albeit the Dark Side of the Force.And the Force is basically a religion.(Silent Bob nods)So the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule, and the Imperial government isrun by this old religion. What you have, then, is a theocratic government -a government run by the church. So Luke, Han, and Leia are fighting thatgovernment to liberate the galaxy from the pious grip of what is, inessence, holy mother church.Silent Bob nods in understanding.Bethany and Bartleby slump in their booth, the table loaded with emptyglasses. Bethany is quite tipsy. Bartleby sips his drinks, andsurreptitiously spits it out.                                 BARTLEBYYou're saying you still go to church?                                  BETHANY(laughs)Every Sunday.                                 BARTLEBYDoes it do anything for you?                                  BETHANY(thinks)Gives me time to balance my check book every week.                                 BARTLEBYSee? That's what I'm talking about. People don't go to church and feelspiritual. They go to church and feel bored. But they keep going. Everyweek. Out of habit.                                  BETHANYOr in habit, if you're a nun.                                 BARTLEBYOh... that wasn't very funny at all.                                  BETHANYA friend of mine told me that church is like bad sex:it's messy and there'sno foreplay...(starts laughing)No. that's not it. I am so buzzed.                                 BARTLEBYWhen do you think you lost your faith?                                  BETHANYI remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother, and she wastrying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. Andshe said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got soangry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan.But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count foranything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family -wasn't that plan good enough for God?(beat)Apparently not.(swigs her drink)How about you? When did you lose your faith?                                 BARTLEBYMe? Years ago. One day, God just stopped listening. I kept talking, but Igot the distinct impression that He wasn't listening anymore.                                  BETHANYShe. And how do you know She was listening in the first place?                                 BARTLEBY(thinks)I guess I don't.                                  BETHANYI hate thoughts like that. But they occur to you with age. When you're akid, you never question the whole faith thing - God's in Heaven, andHe's... She's always got her eye on you. I'd give anything to feel that wayagain. Which is why I guess I let myself get talked into this pilgrimage. Ineeded proof. And the opportunity presented itself to find out if it islike they told us in Catholic school. And I gotta tell you - the last fewdays, I've come across some interesting people that lend toward convincingme.                                 BARTLEBYWhere's this pilgrimage to?INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHTRufus stirs. He looks around and stretches.INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHTBethany and Bartleby continue their discussion.                                  BETHANYYou'd never believe me if I told you.                                 BARTLEBYTry me.                                  BETHANYAlright. But I warned you. Okay - I'm going to this church in New Jersey.                                 BARTLEBYReally...INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHTRufus heads toward the back of the car. He opens the door between the carsand exits.INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHTBethany and Bartleby talk further. Bartleby's intrigued.                                  BETHANYI was told that I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering thechurch. They're trying...(laughing)This sounds so stupid... They're trying to get back into Heaven.INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHTRufus passes through another car and opens the door at the end.INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHTBartleby grows very tense. Bethany rattles on, half-toasted.                                  BETHANYSee, they got tossed out of Heaven years ago, right? And if they get backin, it proves God wrong. And since God is infallible, to prove Her wrongwould...(laughing hard)..would unmake existence! I feel so stupid just saying it.Bartleby's eyes are wide. He looks scared. Then, a calm falls over him.                                  BETRANY(laughing)But the thing I don't get... is how do I stop an angel? Two, even! I guessI'm supposed to talk them out of it or something.Bartleby surreptitiously slides a knife off the table.                                 BARTLEBYMaybe you're supposed to kill them?Bethany breaks into hysterics.INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHTRufus pulls open another door and exits.INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHTBethany's still cracking up, oblivious to the on-the-defensive Bartleby.                                  BETHANYOh yeah! Kill them! Even if that was the case... I mean. how do you kill anangel?                                 BARTLEBYI don't imagine it's much different...(slowly lifts the knife)...from killing a human...The door behind them slides open. Rufus steps in.                                   RUFUSWhere the hell is everybody? I wake up, and...He sees Bartleby. They both freeze.                                 BARTLEBYThe Apostle!                                   RUFUSHoly shit!                                  BETHANY(stumbling to her feet)Rufus, I want you to meet my friend, Barry...Bartleby leaps out of the booth and grabs Bethany, holding the knife to herthroat.                                  BETHANY(chuckiing)Barry! Don't be such a show off!                                   RUFUSTake it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go and let's talk about this.                                 BARTLEBYAfter all this time, this is what it comes down to -slaughtered by thismeat puppet?!                                   RUFUSThere doesn't have to be a slaughter. We can work this out...                                  BETHANYIs that a knife?                                 BARTLEBYOh. we can work it out, alright. I'm going to work the blade in and out ofher thorax!(calling over shoulder)Loki!Loki catches the action and reacts.                                   LOKIHoly shit - the Apostle!He leaps from the table. Jay stirs and wakes up.                                    jAY(half asleep)I didn't come in you, I swear...(looks around)Bartleby, with Bethany in hand, faces off against Rufus. Loki joins them.                                   LOKI(to Rufus)What are you doing here?                                 BARTLEBYThey're here to thwart our journey home, my friend. This one just told methat she's supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering a church.                                   LOKIYou think she was talking about us?                                 BARTLEBYI'd say there was a pretty good chance. What do you say, Rufus - we're tobe liquidated?                                   RUFUSIt doesn't have to go down like that! You haven't thought about theconsequences of re-entry!                                   LOKIConsequences, schmonsequences.                                 BARTLEBYI have to agree with him. No one - not you, and especially not thisfinite-lifer - no one is going to impede us. We're going home, regardlessof whose pride it may hurt!                                   RUFUSIt's not a question of pride, it's...                                 BARTLEBYLoki - kill the girl                                   LOKI(beat)What are you, high?                                 BARTLEBYDo it!                                   LOKII can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that. And it lookslike she's 'on the job', so to speak...                                 BARTLEBYFine! I'll kill her myself...A hand lands on Bartleby's shoulder.                                    JAY(oblivious to the situation)Hey man - now it's your turn. We got enough for a fatty boom-batty, biggetyblunt!Bartleby turns the knife on him.                                    JAY(not quite getting it yet)We having cake or something?Loki backhands Jay, stunning him.                                    JAY(dazed)In grates...Jay drops to the floor, out cold. Silent Bob grabs Loki and hurls him downthe aisle. Rufus grabs Bartleby's knife hand. They struggle. Bethanycollapses.                                   RUFUSTUBBY! THE DOOR!Silent Bob jumps over Loki and opens the back door of the car. He grabsLoki by the collar.                                   LOKIWait, man! Can't we talk about this?!He throws Loki out the door, off the train.Rufus squeezes Bartleby's hand. Bartleby drops the knife and punches Rufusin the face. Bethany jumps on Bartleby's back, covering his eyes. Theycareen down the aisle, toward Silent Bob. He pulls Bethany off Bartleby'sback and kicks him out the back door, off the train. He quickly slams thedoor closed and leans against it.The Bartender stares at him.Silent Bob brushes off his coat and thumbs toward the door.                                SILENT BOBNo ticket.Rufus rubs his jaw. Bethany crawls up beside him, breathing heavily.                                 BETH ANYI should have known something was wrong when he paid for all the drinks.INT UNDERGROUND GARAGE - NIGHTA door is kicked open. Loki enters, brushing himself off. Bartleby follows.                                   LOKIThe Apostle is here!                                 BARTLEBYI noticed.                                   LOKIIf that's the case, then chick with him must be...                                 BARTLEBYThe Scion, I'd imagine.(leans against the wall; slides down)                                   LOKI(in a panic)Well, shit man! Maybe we should rethink this whole thing! I mean, you heardthe guy - he said there were consequences. Azrael tells us we're marked.Maybe there's more to this than we thought about.Bartleby leans against the wall, sitting on the ground. His demeanor haschanged. He stares into space.                                 BARTLEBYThere sure is.(beat)It's them.                                   LOKI(beat)What?                                 BARTLEBY(shakes his head)Them.                                   LOKI(thinks)The movie about the giant ants?                                 BARTLEBYThem - the humans. It's what it all comes down to. you know? Us againsthumanity... kind of like that giant ant movie.                                   LOKI(beat)Are you alright?                                 BARTLEBYI'm better than alright. I've had an epiphany, my friend.                                   LOKIAn... epiphany. Yes, well... that'll happen.                                 BARTLEBYWhen that sweet, innocent girl let her mission slip, I suddenly understoodit all - everything. For the first time in all these eons, I get it.                                   LOKI(beat)Get what?                                 BARTLEBYIn the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. And then Hecreated the humans. And He gave them more than He ever gave us. Our's wasdesigned to be a life of servitude and worship - adoration. But He gave thehumans more - He gave them a choice. They can choose to ignore God, chooseto acknowledge Him. All this time we've been down here, everyday I felt theabsence of the Divine presence. And it pained me... as I'm sure it musthave pained you sometimes, even though you'd gloss over it with jokes. Butwe feel his absence, and why? Because of the way He made us -as servants.Had we been given free will, we could ignore the pain... like them.                                   LOKIYou know - maybe you should take a nap or something.                                 BARTLEBYLoki, don't you get it? It's the humans - it's always the humans. They weregiven paradise; they threw it away. They were given this planet; theydestroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors; and some ofthem don't even believe He exists. Their ego-mania corroded Hell and madeit dark and crimson.(looks at Loki)I asked you to lay down your sword years ago - why?Because I felt sorry for them. And where did it get us?Thrown out.(smiles)We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we went home? And to dothat, I think we have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.                                   LOKIWait, wait, wait - kill them?! You're talking about the Last Scion, forChrist's sake! And what about Jay and Bob - I mean, those guys werealright.                                 BARTLEBYDon't, my friend. Don't let your sympathies get the best of you, as theydid me way back when. Scion or not, she's just a human. And regardless, oursins are forgiven by passing through that arch. No harm, no foul.                                   LOKIThat sounds thin.                                 BARTLEBYFine. We'll cover ourselves. We'll take out a slew of people. Maybe amidstthe body count, He won't notice.                                   LOKIOh, that's being realistic.Bartleby reaches out and grabs Loki, slamming him against the wall.                                 BARTLEBYI'm going home, Loki. And nobody - not even the Almighty Himself - is goingto make that otherwise.Bartleby releases Loki and smiles. He exits. Loki watches him.                                   LOKIShit.He follows.EXT CAMP FIRE - NIGHTAnother Newspaper headline regarding 'John Doe Jersey' fills the frame. Itis lowered to reveal Jay, Bethany, and Rufus sitting around a makeshiftfire in the middle of nowhere. Jay rolls a joint. Silent Bob reads thepaper.                                  BETHANYI don't understand why we couldn't stay on the train. You threw those guysoff.                                   RUFUSA very basic strategy - if your enemies know where you are, then don't bethere.                                  BETHANYAnd what's with that? Why are we enemies? The guy almost gutted me, forGod's sake!                                    JAYHe had the knife at your throat. To gut you, he'd have to have the knife atyour stomach.                                  BETHANYSemantics! Semantics that don't even answer mv question.                                   RUFUSWell, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as my enemy.                                  BETHANYWhat do you mean, kill? I wasn't asked to kill them -just stop them fromgoing into that church.                                   RUFUSAnd how were you going to do that? Preoccupy them with a game of Bingo?                                  BETHANYI've never killed anything before in my life!                                    JAYI'll do it.                                   RUFUSShut the fuck up, little man - you couldn't kill a pint of ice cream, letalone an angel.                                    JAYFuck you - I can kill an angel as good as the next guy.                                   RUFUSOh yeah? How' would you do it?                                    JAYI'd give him a Van Damme neck-break, like in 'Hard Target'. D'jou see thatflick?                                   RUFUS(ignoring jay; to Bethany)Killing an angel's a two-step process - first you have to cut off theirwings. which then makes them human. From that point on, it's the same askilling anything else - head or heart, take your pick.                                  BETHANYYou say it as if it's easy.                                   RUFUS(oblivious to Jay)Problem is, I don't think we could pull it off even if we wanted to. Allthis time away from the Divine Presence should have made those two weaker -and those guys felt far from weak. Either that or someone's protecting them- someone with juice.                                  BETHANYSo then we're screwed?(shrugs)Shit, that's the best news l've heard in days.                                   RUFUSThis doesn't excuse you from tryng to stop them.                                  BETHANYCount me out. You're telling me they're unstopable, I'm exhausted - bothpsychologically and physically, the odds are against us. I say we kick backand wait for the end -a little non~xistence might be just what the doctorordered.                                    JAYI'm with her. I don't care about dying, so long as we're all going to die.                                   RUFUSWhat are you babbling about now?                                    JAYIf I was the only one, that'd bother me because every-one else would go onliving, having a good time without me. But if we all go at once, that'd beokay, because I know I'm not missing anything.                                  BETHANYSee? You know it's right when even he's making sense.                                    JAYBesides, she said if we were in a situation where we were going to die inlike five minutes, she'd have sex with me and Silent Bob.                                   RUFUSSo you're suggesting she throw in the towel and let eons of work andhistory get blinked out of existence just so you can get laid?                                    JAY(thinks)No. Just so me and Silent Bob could get laid.                                  BETHANYNow that we're all but in total agreement on this, I'd just like to finallyknow - why me?                                    JAYBecause you've got nice tits.                                  BETHANYI wasn't talking to you!(to Rufus)Why me? Why do I have to do this? Nobody's comeclean on that. Out of everyone on the whole god-damned planet. How come Igot tapped?Rufus looks at her. He shrugs.                                   RUFUSFamily ties.                                    JAYThat show's funny as hell.                                   RUFUSShut up.(to Bethany)Do you know what the Apocryphal books are?Bethany shakes her head no.                                   RUFUSMost of that information in the Bible came from the Dead Sea Scrolls -ancient text discovered in a cave ages ago. And when the Sanskrit wastranslated, they discovered data that conflicted with the lore churchofficials had already established as the basis of their religion. Theycouldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they thought it best to leavecertain passages out - sometimes whole books. Those books make up theApocrypha.                                  BETHANYWhat's this have to do with me?                                   RUFUSYou've never gotten the complete picture. If they had compiled the materialtogether like they were supposed to, you'd get the whole story. But byleaving text out, the church has presented you people with an extremelysterile and unmoving account of religious history. The Creation. the entireOld Testament, the history of Christ...(let's her take it in)Forget about my whole black angle for a minute...                                    JAYWe might if you'd quit bringing it up.Rufus backhands Jay. Silent Bob holds jay back. Rufus continues, oblivousto Jay.                                   RUFUSHe goes from twelve years old to thirty. Whole volumes of text about theeighteen year struggle with His Divine nature prior to His acceptance of itwere thown out, forever lost to the faithful.                                  BETHANYI don't buy it. Integral material like that would give people a betterunderstanding of the nature of God. Why leave it out?                                   RUFUSBecause it was all closely tied in with His family.                                  BETHANYHis mother and father?                                   RUFUSHis brothers and sisters.                                  BETHANY(beat)Wait, wait, wait - Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was avirgin - that's why it's called the Immaculate Conception.                                   RUFUSMary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch - that's true.But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayedmarried to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of Godand the Virgin Birth - those are leaps of faith. But believing a wife neverhumped her husband - that's just gullibility.                                  BETHANY(sudden realization)MARY AND JOSEPH HAD SEX?!?                                   RUFUSAll the time, from what I understand. Jesus used to tell me stories abouthearing them through the walls when He was a kid.(beat)So you ask why you got tapped. I'll tell you why: a Christ was thesalvation of this world once before. And you're the closest thing to aChrist that still walks.                                  BETHANYMeaning?                                   RUFUSThe blood that flows in your veins shares a chromosome or two at thegenetic level with the man you call Jesus.(hand on her shoulder)You're His great-grand-niece.Bethany's jaw drops. A high-pitched squeak of a word escapes her lips.                                    JAY(takes a hit from his joint)So... that would make Bethany part black.(to Silent Bob)Man, this is just like when Vader told Luke he was his father.                                   RUFUSI just wish I knew what the hell we're supposed to do now?                                 OC VOICEYou must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda - the Jedi Master whoinstructed me.Everyone turns around. Metatron leans against a tree.                                 METATRONGod. l've always wanted to say that.                                   RUFUSThe voice.                                 NIETATRON(mimicking his shock)The Apostle!(sits down with them)                                  BETHANYNow you show up! Where were you when that psychotic bastard had a knife tomy throat?                                 METATRONI told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not dead are you?                                   RUFUSWhat are you doing here anyw'ay?                                 METATRONI felt left out. Everyone's sitting around coming clean, I thought I'd joinin with a confession of mine own.                                    JAYNow who's this mother fucker?                                   RUFUSThis is the Voice of God - show some respect.                                    JAYThe Voice of God? Where's the rest of Him?                                 METATRONFunny you should mention that - we're not sure.                                  BETHANYExcuse me?                                 METATRONDidn't it ever occur to you that this Bartleby/Loki situation was wellwithin the realm of His control?                                   RUFUSIf that's the case, then why was Bethany tapped?                                 METATRONYou know those constitutionals He likes to take?                                  BETHANYConstitutionals?                                   RUFUSI think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.(to Bethany)God's a skee-ball fanatic.                                 METATRONLet's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds Him, alright?(to Bethany)Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game; been playing it for years -He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anyonewhere He's playing; just goes away for a couple of hours. It's quiteunderstandable - a small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been provenas a highly effective means of therapeutic relaxation. And from what Iunderstand, He always gives his free points away to neighborhood children.Isn't that sweet?                                  BETHANYBut She hasn't come back from one of those day-trips, is what you'regetting at?                                 METATRON(to Rufus)'She'? I take it she's met the Muse.(to Bethany)No, 'She' hasn't. And we've been unable to locate Her.                                   RUFUSMaybe He was killed? Human form has that drawback.                                M ETAT RONNo - there's a different sort of foul-play afoot, children. Whomever hasset the renegade angels on their path and is keeping them quitewell-hidden. is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. Were He to bekilled in human form, He'd have immediately returned to Paradise. Somebodyknew enough to keep the body alive, but incapacitate Him in another fashion- He's trapped in a body.                                   RUFUSSo God's not dead...                                    JAYHe's brain dead.                                 METATRONSo it would seem. And as omnipotent as we are above, I have to admit thatwe're more or less lost without His presence. We've had our people lookingeverywhere for Him. And I tapped her, because I thought we might be able tosmoke out whoever's behind this. But whoever it is has been clever enoughto send some lackeys after you, as opposed to showing up themselves.                                   RUFUSCan it be Lucifer?                                 METATRONThankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in the nether-regions. Iknow they're not responsible - at least not Lucifer. If he was, he'd havemade his move by now to conquer Heaven. And I know he's not responsible forBartleby and Loki because he'd have just as much to lose by their return aseveryone else.                                   RUFUSThen what about the Golgothan and the Triplets?                                 METATRONDon't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell. Anybody can summon one.                                    JAY(excited)Yeah?Silent Bob hands Jay his newspaper and points. Jay reads.                                  BETHANYDon't encourage them. And why did you lie to me? You said I was tapped as atest?                                 METATRONNo, you said that - I just didn't correct you. You were shocked enough -how do you think you would've taken it if I told you the face of Godbelonged on the back of a milk carton?                                   RUFUSSo what do we do now?                                M ETAT RONI say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of ideas.                                    JAY(off paper)Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?                                 METATRONI beg your pardon?                                    JAYHere.(hands group the paper)                                  BETHANY(reading)'Glick Takes Heat for Campaign'?                                    JAYIt's the guy in charge of the church thing.                                  BETHANY(reading)'Cardinal Glick has come under fire for the blatant pandering andquestionable direction of his church-sanctioned 'Catholicism - Wow!'campaign. When asked about his motivations for decommisioning thetraditional baptismal fonts in favor of the proposed Olympic sizedlap-pools beneath parish floors, Click responded "Come on - who doesn'tlike a pool party?"                                    JAYMaybe you could tell him to shut down the church. If it's closed on thatday, those guys can't get blessed or whatever - right?                                 METATRONGood Lord - he's got a point.                                  BETHANYI think Silent Bob had a point. But sure - we can go to him and explain thesituation somehow.                                   RUFUS'We'? You're back in?                                  BETHANYWell, mine is a heritage Divine... and I wouldn't want to let down thefamily.(smiles)                                 METATRON(off Silent Bob)Well, well, well - the prophets finally live up to their titles.Silent Bob shrugs. Jay is trying to look down Serendipity's shirt. Sheback-hands him.TELEVISION SCREEN - COMMERCIALTwo cartoon ALTAR BOYS sift through their bowls of cereal.                                  ALTAR 1The same boring cereal again?A cheesy CARTOON CHRIST floats down from above.                                  CHRISTMan cannot live on boring cereal alone!                                ALTAR I & 2IT'S JESUS!Jesus pulls a box of HOSTIES cereal from his sash.                                  CHRISTWhy not try Hosties!CL on cereal pouring into a bowl. It's shaped like Eucharistic hosts. Milkfollows.                                 CHRIST VONew Hosties is fortified with vitamins and minerals, topped off with anangelic kiss of frosting that stays crispy in milk!Christ's hands on their shoulders, the Altar Boys down their cerealhappily.                                  CHRISTHosties is an important part of any nutritious breakfast, and each one isblessed by a high ranking Vatican Monsignor - good for the body, and goodfor the soul. But make sure you've confessed beforehand...Altar 2 clutches at his throat, gasping.                                  ALTAR 2I... I touched... m..myself! I'm...s...sorry...                                  CHRIST(smiling benignly)You're forgiven.Altar 2 stops choking and continues eating, happily.                                  CHRISTSo try a bowl of Hosties! And don't just take my word for it...A cartoon POPE pops out of the box, eating a spoonful of cereal.                                   POPEThey're Heavenly!INT CLICK'S OFFICE - DLSKA hand switches off the t.v. Pan up to Cardinal Click, all smiles.                                   GLICKWell...? Doesn't it pop?Bethany. Rufus, lay and Silent Bob are at a total loss for words.                                    JAY(After a long beat)Does it come in chocolate flavor?The Cardinal picks up a golf putter and begins putting into an overturnedglass.                                   GLICKYou see? Now this one's got vision!(to Jay)We're rolling out the flavors in September. Big cereal month with the kids,back to school and all.                                  BETHANYIt's a bit... startling.                                   GLICKExactly! And that's what we're looking to do - shake these people up a bit,get them motivated. That's the whole point of the campaign. Mass attendanceis at an all-time low in this country. And it's not like we're losing themto the Protestants or Baptists - people aren't practicing at anydenomination these days. If we can sell them some show - let 'em know theCatholic church has some panache, we can win them back -even get some newones. Fill them pews, people - that's the key. And cross-promoting - likewith the cereal tie-in grabs the little ones as well. Hook 'em whilethey're young.(sits at his desk, lights smoke)                                   RUFUSKind of like the tobacco industry?                                   GLICKOh - if only we had their numbers. But we are aiming for the samedemographic, even though mine is the soulsaving biz. And if I have to playa bit of the devil to bring them closer to the Lord, then I'll wear thecloven hooves and carry the pitch fork.Jay and Silent Bob adjourn themselves from the group and approach a hatrack, where the Cardinal's CASSOCK and MITER hang. Jay nudges Silent Bob.                                OC BFTHANYWe really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, your Emminence. Myfriends and I have been traveling all night in hopes of getting a chance totalk to you about the Saint Michael's Re-Dedication ceremony.The Cardinal blows smoke rings.                                   GLICKYou'd like to help out in some way?                                  BETHANYWe'd like you to cancel the ceremony and the rededication.                                   GLICK(pauses mid-ash-tap)I beg your pardon?Silent Bob stands alone by the coat rack. Jay leaps into the frame, cassocktied around his shoulder like a cape. He strikes a Superman pose.                                OC BETHANYThere's going to be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forwardas planned.The Cardinal leans back in his chair.                                   CLICKWhat is this - a threat? Are you planning some sort of demonstation?(pause)Are you pro-choicers?                                  BETHANYNo, the trouble's not from us. It's from these renegade angels who've beenstuck on earth since the plagues...Rufus side-kicks Bethany, nonchalantly.                                  BETHANYUh... these guys who think they're renegade angels.                                  RUFL'SSee padre, it goes down like this - the boys believe that by passingthrough the archway they can get to Heaven. Granted, it's far-fetched, butthe brothers are convinced it's the truth.Silent Bob watches as the Miter appears slowly from behind the partition,resembling a shark fin. It 'swims' to and fro, menacingly. Silent Bobshakes his head.                                 OC GLICKAnd you want me to call off the ceremony... for that?Bethany leans forward in her seat.                                  BETHANYWell. they're very passionate about it. Dangerously so. They could turnviolent if they walk through that arch and nothing happens.                                   RUFUSThese guys could blow, and if they do, they're going to take some peoplewith them. Call this thing off.                                   CLICK(beat)Who sent you? Someone from the Council of Churches, right? Somebody's upsetthat we're getting so much publicity- is that it? Who was it? Rabbi Sloss?                                   RLFLSWe were sent by Him who is called I Am.                                   GLICKCute.(standing)Time to go. kids. Play time with the Cardinal is over.                                   RUFUS(to Bethany)Worked for Moses.                                  BETHANYStay out of this.(to Glick)Your Emminence, it's not a joke. These guys are an accident waiting tohappen. And if the re-edication ceremony goes on as planned...                                   GLICK...then these loonies will show up and go nuts, thus endangering the livesof all assembled, including the Governor, the press, me, the leaders of theCouncil of Churches. Heck, let's not stop there, maybe even God Himself.                                  BETHANYYou can't say Himself; it could be a woman.                                   GLICK(rubs temples)Your passion for all topics insignificant, including the gender of ouralmighty lord, tests my patience, people. Now I'm a very important man withvery important matters that demand my attention, so if you'll please...                                   RUFUSI'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake.                                   GLICKThe Catholic Church does not make mistakes.                                   RUFUSWhat about the church's silent consent to the slave trade?                                  BETHANYAnd it's platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?                                   CLICK(beat)Alright, those were mistakes. But one can hardly hold the currentincarnation of Holy Mother Church responsible for oversights of old. NowI've indulged you for more time than I should have. Please go.                                  BETHANYBut tomorrow...                                   CLICK(losing it)Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear?! I did not labortwo years and exhaust eve~ ounce of my being to insure that this ceremonybe a cornerstone in the most important liturgical event since Vatican Twojust to cancel it at the zero hour at the insistence of a wandering band ofpranksters who've targeted me as the focus of their evening's merriment!This occasion is important for the congregation of this parish, for themassive crowds coming for the plenary indulgence, for me, for his Holinessthe Pope, and - most importantly - for the 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign!And neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God...(glares at Bethany)... HIM -self will prevent it from occurring successfully!He violently grabs the Miter/shark fin 'swimming' behind the partition.                                   GLICKAND TAKEOFF MY GODDAMN HAT!!!]ay slowly looks over the partition.EXT SEASHOREThe sun slowly rises. The day has arrived.EXT TURNPIKE - EARLY MORNINGAmidst very little traffic, two figures emerge from the shadows on thePennsylvania side. Bartleby and Loki step purposefully past the green signthat welcomes motorists to New Jersey.INT BAR - DAWNThe place is empty, except for Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob and ABARTENDER.                                  BETHANYI can almost see the headlines - if there were going to be any - "ExistenceErased - Thanks to some prick in a scarlet cape.                                   RUFUSIt's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear a scarlet cape.                                    JAYThat ain't no crime. You wanna see a crime? Look what we stole from the guyin the dress.(to Silent Bob)Hand it over.Silent Bob pulls a golf club from out of his coat.                                  BETHANYOh my God. We're going straight to Hell, I know it.                                   RUFUSYou stole the Cardinal's driver?                                    JAYI told him to. You know how much these things are worth? That's at least acouple of sodas and a pack of smokes right there.                                  BETHANYWhat do we do now?                                   RUFUSLet them keep it. In a couple of hours, it won't matter anyway.                                  BETHANYNot that - about Bartleby and Loki!                                   RUFUSWe have no choice but to try to kill them.                                  BETHANY(to Rufus)But you said they couldn't be killed.                                 OC VOICECorrection : they won't be killed.The gang turns to see Azrael sitting at the bar.                                  AZRAELAnd just to insure that, we're all going to sit tight, right here, untilthe two idiots pass through that arch.                                    JAYHey...!                                  BETHANYHe wasn't talking about you two.                                 OC VOICEThere's only one idiot here, .Azrael...Bethany and Rufus react, as does the very surprised Azrael. Serendipitystands in the doorway.                                SERENDIPITYAnd that's you.                                  AZRAELThe Muse. Just in time to join us for a drink.                                 BARTENDER(suddenly noticing Azrael)Hey. Where'd you come from?                                  AZRAELNothingness. And that's where I'm returning to in approximately...(checks watch)...onehour.                                 BARTENDERAlright Plato - sounds like you've had enough drinks already. Let's go.                                  AZRAELCome on Barkeep - just one drink for the road. Then I'm gone.Serendipity joins Bethany and Rufus. She whispers.                                SERENDIPITYI was trying to find you - to tell you I'd figured out who was behind allthis.                                   RUFUSIs that who I think it is?                                SERENDIPITYNone other than.                                  BETHANYWho is it?                                SERENDIPITYThat's my worst suspicions confirmed.The Bartender relents.                                 BARTENDERAlright - one drink. Then you're gone.                                  AZRAELGimme a Holy Bartender.                                 BARTENDERNever heard of it.                                  AZRAEL(to the group)He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.You know - don't you, Muse?                                SERENDIPITYAzrael... don't.                                  AZRAEL(ignoring her)Anybody? Well - I know how to make a Holy Bartender.Azrael pulls an Uzi from his coat and blows a dozen holes in the Bartender.The Stygian Triplets burst through the doors and everyone jumps to theirfeet, with the exception of the Bartender, who dies.                                  AZRAELGet it?                                SERENDIPITYSweet Jesus, Azrael - why?!?                                   RUFUS(rushing him)C'mon, demon - let's see you try that shit on a brother whose already dead!The Stygian Triplets cross their sticks in front of Rufus to block him asAzrael trains his Uzi on Bethany.                                  AZRAEL(joining them)You maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be theonly corpses in the room -the Christ-Bitch will join you.                                SERENDIPITYI can't believe you're behind this. Are you really that stupid?! Do youknow what's going to happen if those two jerks enter that church?!                                  AZRAELI'm actually counting on it. And if my calculations are correct, the pawnsare moving in to check-mate as we speak.Everyone stares at Azrael, with the exception of Jay. He suddenly laughs.                                    JAYI get it! Holy Bartender! That's a good one!EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - MORNINGA formidable crowd of parishoners surrounds a small stage, ten yards fromthe front of the church. Banners hang every~ere, heralding 'Catholicism -Wow!' as well as the Centennial of Saint Michael's. The media eats it up.Cardinal Glick stands at the podium, all smiles. He's in mid-speech.                                   GLICKI'd also like to acknowledge this great state's Governor, Elizabeth Dalton,for coming out an helping us ring in the first hundred years of this littleparish True. she's a Protestant - but we won't hold that against her.(crowd laughs)Now, let me just give you a bit of history on this particular littlehundred years young House of God...                                OC BARTLEBYThis is no longer God's House. God doesn't live here anymore.The crowd turns, aghast. Bartleby pushes his way through them, sheepishlyfollowed by Loki.                                 BARTLEBYHe's grown weary of your superficial faith and has turned a deaf ear toyour lip-service prayers. He is no longer amused, and has abandonned you -His favorites - to the whim of judgement. Hypocrites and charlatans -prepare to taste God's wrath!                                   LOKI(whispering)Maybe we should just go.                                 BARTLEBYYou wanted your body count, you got it. This lot is rife with sin. We'lljudge them all!Glick grabs a COP from the crowd and pushes him toward the pair.                                   CLICKThese are the two I was warned about, Officer McChee. Please assist themoff the church grounds.The Cop grabs Bartleby's arm.                                    COPAlright mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for aride...Bartleby grabs the cops hand on his shoulder.                                 BARTLEBYMister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.                                    COPIs that so? Well, let's just...Bartleby throws his other hand forward and twists the Cop's head around inone brisk motion. Loki's eyes bug out. The crowd takes flight.                                 BARTLEBY(releasing dead Cop)Ladies and Gentlemen - you have been judged as guilty of violations againstour Almighty Lord. And this very day - I assure you - you will all pay foryour tresspasses... in blood.(to Loki)Wings. Now.                                   LOKII'm not so sure...                                 BARTLEBYDO IT!INT BAR - LATERAzrael still hosts his captive audience, uzi trained on the mortals. TheStygian Triplets surround them, brandishing their sticks.                                  BETHANYYou're a muse too?                                SERENDIPITYFormer muse. He was kicked out.                                  AZRAELTell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Almighty.                                SERENDIPITYYou got what you deserved, you yellow shithead.                                  AZRAELEver the apple polisher. I'd hoped that when you left Paradise, you did itfinally because you couldn't tolerate the injustice that was visited uponyour own brother.                                  BETHANYHe's your brother?!                                SERENDIPITYNot technically. We were created at the same time.                                  AZRAELTo compliment one another. Two spirits of pure inspiration.                                 BARTLEBYSo what happened?                                  AZRAELYes. What. Lucifer got restless and started his little war for the throne.Heaven became divided into two factions - the faithful and the renegades.The ethereal planes were chaotic with battle, angel against angel. And whenit was all over, Cod cast the rebels into perdition.                                SERENDIPITYBut Azrael refused to fight. He wouldn't ally himself to God or Lucifer. Heremained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.                                    JAYWhat are you - some kind of fucking chicken?!                                  AZRAELI was an artist! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle! Our jobis to create - not destroy!                                SERENDIPITYSo after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those thatwouldn't fight, and my brother here was sent down with the demons.Something he considers a grave injustice.                                  AZRAELDon't tell me that you never questioned the judgement, Serendipity; thatyou don't think the Almighty acted too rashly?                                SERENDIPITYYou've been waiting for millions of years to ask me that, haven't you? It'sbeen on your mind since the moment you fell. It's been gnawing at you thislong.                                  AZRAELWell?                                SERENDIPITYNo, Azrael. It never bothered me, and I'll tell you why:you stood behind your office, you prick. So you were an artist - big deal.Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service intime of war. That's why he's the King... and you're a schmuck.                                  BETHANYSo all this is about revenge?! You're going to unmake existence because youhave a grudge against God?!                                  AZRAELAfter the first million years, revenge was the farthest thing from my mind.Self-preservation became the only necessity.                                   RUFUSMeaning?                                  AZRAELEscape. Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So I studied thereligions and waited for my opportunity to present itself; which flnallvdid. in the form of the plenary indulgence And while I couldn't exercise itmyself. I knew the perfect vessels through which I could free myself fromtorment.                                   RUFUSBartleby and Loki.                                  AZRAELAfter that, it was a simple matter or waiting for a church to celebratetheir Centennial, and when that finally happened, applying some of the oldinspiration tactics - bv sending the pair an article laced with ideas. Anincantation I picked up in the Pit kept them cloaked and off Heaven'sradars, and aside from the Triplets and the Gologothan, no soul in Hell hada clue as to what was going on.(smiles)Won't proud Lucifer weep when he realizes I triumphed over the Power in away he never dared or dreamed.(shakes it off)But no plan, no matter how intricate, could succeed if the Almighty was inthe realm of the quick. So I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion.                                  BETHANYHow so?                                  AZRAELOh no. I've seen way to many Bond movies to know that you never reveal allthe details of your plan - no matter how close you may think you are tosuccess. Suffice it to say, the Catholics have been even more helpful ininsuring my success than by just supplying the clean-slate archwav.(gets up)The only X-Factor was the involvement of the Last Scion. I'm amazed thatsomeone up there would have the balls to make a move without the Lord'ssay-so. Believe me - I sweated when you stumbled upon my boys on thattrain. But alas, here you are - powerless to stop the inevitable.                                  BETHANYLook, asshole - I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you, but ifyou succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence - even you.                                  AZRAEL(beat)Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Do you know that once Hellwas nothing more than the absence of Cod? And if you'd ever been in Hispresence. then you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kindcame along - and made it so much worse.                                  BETHANYHumans aren't capable of one hundredth the evil a shitbag demon likeyourself is.                                  AZRAELEvil is an abstract; it's a human construct. But true to his irresponsiblenature. man won t own up to being the engineer of evil, so he blames hisdark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless, and it's not enoughfor him to shadow his own existence. He turned Hell into a suffering Pitt -fire, wailing, darkness - the kind of place anyone would do anything to getout of. And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself. It isbeyond your abilities to simply make recompense for and regret the sins youcommit. No - you choose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in afoundless belief that God could never forgive your 'grievous offenses'. Soyou bring your guilt and inner-decay with you to Hell - where the horridimaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment give birth to the sicknessthat has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there,begging to be 'punished'. And in doing so, they've transformed the cold andsolitude to pain and misery. I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhalingthe decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I know what effect such horrorshave on the delicate psyche of an angelic beihg.(beat)Would you like to glimpse pain eternal? Look...Azrael places his hand over Bethany's eyes. For about ten seconds, we seesome of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery that can be crammed into240 frames of film.Azrael pulls his hand away. Bethany is fried, convulsing uncontrolably.                                  AZRAELI'd rather not exist than go back to that. And if everyone has to go downwith me, so be it.                                SERENDIPITY(holding up Bethany)You're still thinking only about yourself, you fuckmg child.                                  AZRAELNow, now, now. Things are getting too tense in here. What say we watch alittle t.v.(grabs remote control)                                    JAYPut on channel nine - 'Davey and Goliath'!A Stygian Triplet smacks him with it's hockey stick.                                    JAYHey!                                  AZRAELI was thinking more along the lines of current events.On the T.V. - a sweaty and panicked REPORTER barks into the camera,obscuring the chaos behind him. Screams are heard.                                 REPORTER...I repeat - men with huge fucking wings have laid waste to St.Michael's... Bullets don't seem to affect them... police who were on thescene are dead... The remaining crowd has dropped to their knees,identifying this as the fabled Apocalypse.. I'm not a man of faith, but I'minclined to agree with them..(looking OC)NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!(pulls gun)PLEASE!! Please...He puts the gun in his mouth and fires. The screen goes blank.                                  AZRAEL(snapping off tv.)You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile. I'd be pissed, but ina couple of minutes, it won't matter anymore.While he speaks, Serendipity looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob snaps toattention, and locks eyes with Serendipity. He looks to the golf club, thenback at her. He nods.Azrael suddenly catches the exchange between the two.                                  AZRAELNow what was that all about?                                SERENDIPITYHunhh? Oh. nothing. I had something in my eye.                                  AZRAEL(getting up)Bullshit. What are you trying to do, Serendipity -get the guy killed? Nowwho's the fucking child? What did you tell him - to hit me with the golfclub? Are you serious?(picks up golf club)I'm a fucking demon, and you'd have him assault me with athletic equipment?(hands club to Silent Bob)Well, here then - take it. Call it a gift.(stands back and hits his own chest)Take a shot - take your best shot. C'mon - c'mon, bright boy.The Stygian Triplets snicker. Silent Bob stares at Azrael, perplexed.                                  AZRAELDon't you know anything?Silent Bob looks to Serendipity. She nods. He shrugs and swings the clubwith all his might into Azrael's chest - which caves in, blowing muck andshit everywhere.Rufus, Jay, and Serendipity turn on their captors, grabbing the StygianTriplets by the throats.                                SERENDIPITYBETHANY! BLESS THE SINK!                                  BETHANYWHAT?!?                                SERENDIPITYDO IT!Bethany leaps over the bar, pushing over the dead bartender, and blessesthe melting-ice filled sink. Serendipity urges Rufus and Jay to follow her,with the Triplets in hand. They submerge them - head first - in the sink.Cruddy steam and muck blows out of the water. The Triplets convulse andfall still.Azrael clutches at his sucking chest wound, dropping to his knees. He grabsSilent Bob's leg. Silent Bob kicks him onto his back and out cold.                                    JAY(joining Silent Bob)What the fuck have you been eating?Silent Bob shrugs.                                  BETHANYWhat just happened?                                SERENDIPITY(collecting hockey sticks)He said it himself - he's a demon. You hit a demon with an instrument ofGod - the pure side's always going to do the most damage.                                    JAYSilent Bob's an instrument of God?!                                SERENDIPITYNo - but the driver is.                                  BETHANY(catching on)And Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a bettergame. And the sink...?                                SERENDIPITYYou've got that Divine heritage going for you - sanctifing is just one ofthe fringe benefits.                                  BETHANYRemind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party.(to Jay)How far away is this church?                                    JAYThree towns over - about five miles.                                  BETHANYWe've gotta make tracks, people - there isn't much time left. Rufus, grabhis gun.                                   RUFUSTen steps ahead of you.                                  BETHANY(going through dead bartender's pockets)We can take the bartender's car - I don't think he'll be needing itanymore.Bethany and Serendipity rush out.                                    JAYWe gonna make it?                                   RUFUSWas Jesus down?Rufus and Jay exit. Silent Bob stares down at Azrael's body. Jay comes backand yanks him out the door.EXT STREET - DAYCardinal Click runs to a pay phone. Sweating and bloody, he looks a mess.He presses '0' and looks around wildly - particularly skyward.                                   GLICK(to God)Look, if you didn't like the cereal thing, we could've gone in a differentdirection!(to phone)OPERATOR! SEND MORE POLICE TO SAINT MICHAEL'S PARISH - NOW!! PEOPLE AREGETTING KILLED BY...!As he speaks, a large shadow falls over him from above. It grows larger,enveloping Click. He drops the receiver, drops to his knees, and screams.EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S - DAYBethany, Jay, Serendipity, Silent Bob, and Rufus stare OC, horrified.                                    JAYHoly shit.Bodies, bodies everywhere - partial, whole, bloody - hanging, burning,upended. No one is left standing. It's a scene straight out of Hell.Bethany buries her face in Rufus' chest.                                    JAYSee? And people wonder why I don't go to church.                                  BETHANYAre we too late?                                SERENDIPITYTo save these poor schmucks, yes. But we still exist.                                  BETHANYWhere are they?                                   RUFUSThey could already be in the church.                                SERENDIPITYWhich means that if they come out, nobody touches them.                                    JAYAre you shitting me? The brother here is going to shred them with hisSchwarzenneger special - ain't you, homey?                                SERENDIPITYIf they've passed through that arch, they come out clean. And if they die,they go straight up - and we know what happens then.                                    JAYWhat if they just kill themselves?                                  BETHANYThey can't - it's a mortal sin. You die with a mortal sin on your soul andyou burn. They'd go to hell, and that's not what they're after.                                    JAYSo then what the fuck are we supposed to do?! Just wait for a solution tofall out of the sky?!On cue, a body plummets out of the sky and hits the ground before thegroup, quite like Rufus had, way back at the start. This body, however,bursts apart like a body would if dropped from a large height. Jay looks atRufus.                                    JAYFriend of your's?                                   RUFUS'fraid not.                                 OC VOICEIt was a Cardinal.They all turn to see Loki, leaning against a body or two, drinking from abottle of champagne. His wings lie beside him, filthy - blood spattered andashen. He looks exhausted. Rufus trains the gun on him.                                   LOKIKind of hard to tell with his face like that, but the Rosaries are a deadgiveaway.                                    JAY(goes for the Uzi)IT'S ONE OF THEM!! KILL IT!!!                                  BETHANY(struggling to stop him)NO...!She slaps the Uzi out of Jay's grip. It clatters to the side.                                  BETHANY(to Jay)Don't you listen?! We can't touch them!                                    JAYI wasn't gonna touch him, I was gonna shoot him!                                   LOKI(looking skyward)He's been at it for awhile now.In the distance above - a mere shadow against the sky - something wingedsoars and stops, releasing what looks like a very panicky human being.                                  OC LOKIWe ran out of parishoners, so he just started picking up anyone off thestreet. You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only we'dbeen able to jerk off.Loki drags himself a few feet backwards.                                   LOKII'd step back if I were you.They jump back just as the body hits the ground and explodes. Bethanycharges at Loki, grabs his lapels, and shakes him furiously.                                  BETHANYWHY?!? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE?!? ALL THESE PEOPLE - WHY?!?                                    JAY(to Rufus)I thought we weren't supposed to touch them?                                   RUFUSI think our Bethan's about hit her ceiling.Loki slaps Bethany away, non-chalantly.                                   LOKIThis wasn't my idea. alright? I just wanted to go home.(takes a big champagne swig)We both wanted to go home. But he snapped. When he realized who you wereand what you'd have to do, he just lost it.(smiles)You know what's funny about it? He never could stand to see me work. Hesaid he always felt son~' for you people - that you didn't know any better.(looks up)Now look at him.                                    JAYThis guy's drunker than hell.                                SERENDIPITYWhich means he's human now - his wings have been cut off.(slapping Loki to sober him up)Loki! Loki!                                   LOKI(recognizing her)The Muse. Haven't seen you in a long time. What's with the tits?                                SERENDIPITYLoki - have you walked through the arch yet? C'mon. tell me! Have you gonein and come out through the archway yet?!                                   VOICENo.Bartleby lands beside them, draping his wings at his sides, brushinghimself off.                                 BARTLEBYWe were awaiting your arrival.                                SERENDIPITYBartleby - listen to me! You can't go through with this! Azrael was justusing you! If you go back this way...Bartleby slaps her down.                                 BARTLEBYI've become aware of the reprocussions, Muse. I know what I'm doing.Bethany leaps at him, all fists and fury.                                  BETHANYYOU FUCK! YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! LOOK AT Allyou'vedone...!Bartleby subdues her. He strokes her hair.                                 BARTLEBYBethany - you of all people should understand what I'm t~'ing to accomplishhere. You too have been abandonned. You know what it's like to be castaside. But while you've only felt the devastating effects for a few years,I've dealt with it for millenia. And while you never see your ex-husband orhow blissful he is with his new wife...(picks up her face and smiles at her)And he is...(drops her head)..seeing you people everywhere. everyday, trapped on this perfect littleworld He created for you... it's a constant reminder that though my kindcame first, your kind was most revered. And your kind knows forgiveness,while my kind knows regret. A lesson must be taught. All are accountable...even God.(steps back)Soon a cadre of police will arrive, just in time to kill us as we exit thechurch. And then this failed experiment called existence will cease to be.Loki stumbles to his feet.                                   LOKII can't... let you do this, Bartleby...(he sways as if drunk)I didn't know we... would end existence...                                 BARTLEBY(to Bethany)My compatriot. Genocide takes a lot out of him. He's weakened. And moreimportantly. he's now a human being. A condition that carries twoliabilities: a conscience...Bartleby pulls a knife and guts Loki. He stares at Bartleby as he dies,confused and betrayed. Serendipity nods to Rufus and Silent Bob.                                 BARTLEBY..and a short life span.(in a whisper; to Loki)Sorry, old friend - but you lost the faith.Rufus and Serendipity and Silent Bob jump Bartleby and start throwingpunches. Silent Bob bites his wing. Jay grabs Bethany and pulls her behinda bush.                                  BETHANY(peering out from behind)He's lost it! We're fucked! We're absolutely fucked!                                    JAY(pulling off clothes)I hear you.                                  BETHANYI can't believe this shit! We're on the brink of nonexistence and God'sstill nowhere to be found! What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?!                                    JAY(pulling open pants)Amen to that.                                  BETHANY(suddenly notices him)What the hell are you doing?!                                    JAYI'd say we've got about five minutes left to live; the whole world's goingto end. You said you'd fuck me.                                  BETHANYAre you a complete lunatic?! Everyone's out there battling that thing andyou want to cower back here and jump my bones?! We have to go downfighting!                                    JAYNo - no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex.                                  BETHANYYou pig...!                                    JAYWhat?! It's all over; nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can either layhere all comatose like thatJohn Doe Jersey bastard behind us, or we can make with the love.Bethany freezes.                                  BETHANY(finally!)What did you say?!                                    JAY'Make with the love'? I just said that to be sensitive. Usually I call itboning.                                  BETHANYNo - about John Doe Jersey?                                    JAYThat guy - the one that they won't take off life support - John Doe Jersey.This is where he's at.                                  BETHANYWhat? Where?                                    JAYSaint Michael's hospital - over there.(points behind them)There, across the street, sits a HOSPITAL.                                  BETHANY(thinks)Where's the nearest boardwalk?                                    JAYLook, I ain't got time to win you a prize or something, we gotta get to itbefore...                                  BETHANYWHERE IS IT?!?                                    JAY(scared)Asbury Park. About five miles away.                                  BETHANYYou ever been there?!                                    JAY(really scared)Once. I was banging this girl who worked at the carousel. She wanted to doit on the ride, but I got sick and started puking...                                  BETHANY(grabs his face)DO THEY HAVE SKEE-BALL THERE?!?                                    JAY(piss-scared; high pitched)...yes.Bethany kisses Jay hard on the lips, jumps up and looks over the bush.                                    JAY(warming up)Now that's more like it.Rufus and Serendipity battle Bartleby, his wings thrashing about. SilentBob is getting back on his feet.                                  BETHANYBOB!Silent Bob looks to Bethany. She waves him over and bends back down to Jaywho half-closes his eyes, and puckers his lips. Bethany pinches his lipstogether and raises jay to his feet, ust as Silent Bob arri\'es.                                  BETHANY(to Jay)Whatever you do - stall Bartleby from going into that church!(to Silent Bob)Bob - come with me!(they exit)               
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