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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-quality-time-transcript/ | Jim Gaffigan: Quality Time (2019) – Full Transcript | jim gaffigan | (audience cheering, applauding) Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. (audience cheering) It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If ... | (audience cheering, applauding) Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. (audience cheering) It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-feelings-transcript/ | Ramy Youssef: Feelings (2019) | Transcript | ramy youssef | Welcome to the meeting. Are you Mohammed? No, ’cause this dude texted me, and he was like, “Yo, can I…” He hit me up. He was like, “Oh, can I get a ticket to your show?” And I didn’t have his number saved. And I was like, “Just tell me your name. I’ll put you on the list.” And he just wrote back, “Mohammed,” and… And I... | I’ve been thinking a lot about how we know what we know and how that affects the way we treat each other. And I feel like, as a Muslim, so much of my life has been defined by all these things that I have no control over. Which is why I don’t believe anything that I see in the news. I can’t really believe the police, ca... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-quarter-life-crisis-transcript/ | Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis (2020) | Transcript | taylor tomlinson | [“Making Love to the Dead” by Beginners plays] ♪ Darling, go ♪ ♪ Hey ♪
♪ Watch your head ♪
♪ Don’t look down, baby ♪
♪ Under the bed ♪
♪ Let it show ♪
♪ What you’ve read… ♪ [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Taylor Tomlinson. [cheering] Wow! I hope my ex sees this. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much fo... | [cheering] Wow! I hope my ex sees this. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for coming. This is amazing. How are you? Good? Okay, I’m sorry. That was so aggressive. There’s so many people. I did not need to single you out that way. I would hate that if someone did it to me. I’m an introvert. Is anyone else an int... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ari-shaffir-double-negative-transcript/ | ARI SHAFFIR: DOUBLE NEGATIVE (2017) – Full Transcript | ari shaffir | Shaffir’s Double Negative collection includes a 44-minute set called Children, followed by a 47-minute called Adulthood; both filmed on the same night at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. Shaffir took only a brief intermission to change his wardrobe and the lighting, keeping the same crowd in the house. Children [♪♪♪] [a... | [audience cheering] Thank you, everybody. [chuckles] Thank you very much. Hell yeah. My friend got pregnant off a Tinder date. Right? Yes. That’s what I’m talking about. Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? That’s the future, everybody. Remember when you were little, you thought about the future? What it was gonna look... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-greatest-average-american-transcript/ | Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American (2021) | Transcript | nate bargatze | [folk rock music playing] ♪ Family ♪
♪ Singin’ in the kitchen ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Runnin’ through the yard… ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Goin’ on vacation ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ On a credit card ♪
♪ Hey ♪ [girl on phone] That was so fun, Daddy. You did your riding with the horses? Yeah. But it was really good today ’cause I got to ride her– Okay... | [audience cheers and applauds] [folk rock continues playing] [audience members cheer] All right. This is it. Uh, this is fun, huh? This is… Yeah. I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year. Out of all the years, this has been the best one. I mean, I don’t… You know, there’s aliens. They said there’s UFOs. ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-buried-alive-2013-full-transcript/ | AZIZ ANSARI: BURIED ALIVE (2013) – Full Transcript | aziz ansari | Ladies and gentlemen… Aziz Ansari! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much! Wow! Wow! This is awkward. I actually have no material prepared. Um… I just booked this venue for this date and I was like, Oh, I’ll have an act by then. I…don’t, uh… No, it’s gonna be... | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much! Wow! Wow! This is awkward. I actually have no material prepared. Um… I just booked this venue for this date and I was like, Oh, I’ll have an act by then. I…don’t, uh… No, it’s gonna be really good. I have one prepared w... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-live-from-d-c-2014-full-transcript/ | BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM D.C. (2014) – Full Transcript | bill maher | Broadcast live on September 12, 2014 from the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. * WOMAN: At the tone, the time will be…
KEITH OLBERMANN: From the Warner Theatre… [Audience cheering] In Washington, It’s “Bill Maher, Live from D.C.” [Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here i... | [Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here in the balcony. And I am Michael Moore. Welcome, everyone. Moments ago… How’s it going? Moments ago, Bill Maher finished the first part Of this marathon, His first part of his Lollapalooza here With the completion of the first part O... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-off-the-hook-2015-full-transcript/ | Dylan Moran: Off The Hook (2015) – Transcript | dylan moran | Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage Mr Dylan Moran. [CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out, thank you for leaving your computer screens and all the arguments you were refining at home, I am very glad you came. Um, now you people, all of ... | [CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out, thank you for leaving your computer screens and all the arguments you were refining at home, I am very glad you came. Um, now you people, all of you here are the survivors, as far as I am concerned. You are the people wh... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-boyish-girl-interrupted-transcript/ | Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) – Transcript | tig notaro | (Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goodness. (Chuckles) Wow, thank you. People are like, “Tig!” (audience laughs) “Why are you shooting your special in Boston?” (audience laughs) Woman: Whoo! I’ll tell ya something, my grandfather… was originally from Boston.... | (Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goodness. (Chuckles) Wow, thank you. People are like, “Tig!” (audience laughs) “Why are you shooting your special in Boston?” (audience laughs) Woman: Whoo! I’ll tell ya something, my grandfather… was originally from Boston.... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-outside-in-the-lockdown-special-transcript/ | Vir Das: Outside in – The Lockdown Special (2020) – Transcript | vir das | [soft piano music playing] [Vir Das] What you’re about to watch wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s completely unscripted. It was totally unplanned. It’s just… a moment in time. When the world shut down, we decided to do 30 shows for charity, just to raise money for COVID relief. And every night, I’d ask people the same qu... | All right. What’s up! What’s up, everyone? Hello! Good evening, and welcome to what promises to be the strangest stand-up comedy gig that you and I have both ever been a part of. If you’re not using earphones, what I ask is that you get as close to the device as you possibly can so that I can hear you laugh. Because if... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-inside-transcript/ | Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) | Transcript | bo burnham | “Bo Burnham: Inside” is a comedy special written, directed, and performed by American comedian and musician Bo Burnham. It was released in 2021 and gained significant attention for its unique format and the way it was created during the COVID-19 pandemic. “Bo Burnham: Inside” explores the experience of life during the ... | ♪ If you’d have told me ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ That I’d be locked inside of my home ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I would have told you ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ Interesting, now leave me alone ♪ ♪ Sorry that I look like a mess ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I booked a haircut But it got rescheduled ♪ ♪ Robert’s been a little depressed ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ And ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-people-pleaser-2016-full-transcript/ | Daniel Tosh: People Pleaser (2016) – Transcript | daniel tosh | Comedy Central Stand-up Special performed at The Wilshire Ebell Theater, in Los Angeles, July 2015
[“Pepper” by Butthole Surfers]
Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
Tha... | Wow. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Ugh, believe it or not, that gets old. It is great to be here in America. Oh, yeah. The greatest country in the world… if you haven’t traveled a lot. Do we have to constantly scream we’re number one? It’s always the people that live in the most boring parts of this country that scr... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-snl-monologue-march-29-2014-full-transcript/ | Louis C.K.: SNL Monologue S39E16 [03/29/14] – Full Transcript | louis c | Saturday Night Live
Season 39: Episode 16 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.! [the audience cheers and applauds wildly] Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had ... | [the audience cheers and applauds wildly] Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had a nice day. All I can do about it is hope. I had a pretty good day — I went out shopping ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-d-elia-white-male-black-comic-transcript/ | CHRIS D’ELIA: WHITE MALE. BLACK COMIC. (2013) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | chris d | Man: [rapping]
♪ damn, damn, damn ♪
♪ feel my flow, act like you don’t know ♪
♪ but you do, it’s chad smith ♪
♪ who are you? ♪
♪ Come through the door, and the party for sho ♪
♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪
♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪
♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪
♪ after... | [Cheers and applause continue] D’Elia: What’s up?! Thank you for coming out here, man. New Orleans — all right, this is awesome, man. Man: [shouts indistinctly] D’Elia: Yeah, man. Careful with that, man. [Laughter] People in New Orleans are always drunk. [Laughter] all the time. It’s like 11:00 in the morning, and peop... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-unveiled-transcript/ | Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled (2019) – Full Transcript | iliza shlesinger | Thank you, Nashville! Thank you. So this year was a really important year for me because I got… Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that reciprocity. I said something positive, you gave me positivity back. I was like, “I got married,” and you were like, “That’s great. How old is she?” But like, you went… …for it... | Thank you, Nashville! Thank you. So this year was a really important year for me because I got… Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that reciprocity. I said something positive, you gave me positivity back. I was like, “I got married,” and you were like, “That’s great. How old is she?” But like, you went… …for it... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-right-now-transcript/ | Aziz Ansari: Right Now (2019) – Transcript | aziz ansari | ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪
♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪
♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪
♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
♪ Linger on ♪ Aziz Ansari’s Right Now! Aziz Ansari! ♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪
♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪ Thought ... | Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you. Thanks. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Take a seat. Take a seat. Thanks so much. Wow. What a nice welcome. Wow, wow, wow. Very excit… By the way, this guy’s with me. He’s, uh… he’s authorized. He’s not, like, a very audacious bootlegger who really doesn’t give a fuck. “... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-woke-foke-transcript/ | Katt Williams: Woke Foke (2024) | Transcript | katt williams | [hip-hop music playing] [indistinct chatter] [hip-hop music continues playing] [announcer] Live from Inglewood, California, you’re about to witness the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams! [audience cheers and applauds] [hip-hop music continues playing] [audience cheers] [Katt] Okay. Okay, stop. [hip-hop musi... | [audience cheers and applauds] [hip-hop music continues playing] [audience cheers] [Katt] Okay. Okay, stop. [hip-hop music stops] [Katt imitates trumpet sound] Okay. Okay, uh… [air horn blares] [audience cheers] Yeah, uh… [Katt laughs] [audience cheers] You bitch, you. [air horn blares] Uh… [man 1] Let’s go! [woman 1] ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-triggered-2016-full-transcript/ | Joe Rogan: Triggered (2016) – Transcript | joe rogan | [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Joe Rogan. [audience cheering and applauding] What the f*ck is going on, San Francisco? Thanks for coming. I appreciate it! God damn! Put your phone down, f*ckface! I see you, b*tch! Put your phone down! Motherf*ckers. They can’t use the... | [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Joe Rogan. [audience cheering and applauding] What the f*ck is going on, San Francisco? Thanks for coming. I appreciate it! God damn! Put your phone down, f*ckface! I see you, b*tch! Put your phone down! Motherf*ckers. They can’t use the... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-live-at-red-rocks-transcript/ | Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks (2022) | Transcript | bill burr | [audience cheering, whistling] [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr! [cheering and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya? How’s it goin’? All right. You guys standin’ up, sit down. Sit down. See if I’m funny. I’ve been inside for a year and a half just like ... | [cheering and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya? How’s it goin’? All right. You guys standin’ up, sit down. Sit down. See if I’m funny. I’ve been inside for a year and a half just like you. All right. It’s nice to be out here in Denver, man. [cheering] [chu... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-drew-michael-2018-transcript/ | Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) | Transcript | drew michael | “This is the latest I’ve stayed up in a long time.” “Yeah, me too.” “I’m usually like a… Mm, like one a.m. max.” “One a.m.?” “Yeah.” “After that, what happens? You get cranky?” “Yeah, I just, uh, I can’t be around people anymore.” “Yeah.” “It’s very rough for me to wanna” “Well, also, after one a.m. you’re around after... | null |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-the-bird-revelation-2017-full-transcript/ | Dave Chappelle: The Bird Revelation (2017) – Transcript | dave chappelle | Recorded at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles in November 2017 [Dave Chappelle] Sometimes, the funniest thing to say is mean. You know what I mean? It’s a tough position to be in. So I say a lot of mean things, but you guys got to remember. I’m not saying it to be mean. I’m saying it because it’s funny. [audience laughin... | Phew. Well, it’s the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of… rape and dick breath. [laughing] The fuck has been going on out here? [laughing] Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can’t get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. [laughing] It’s going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. [la... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/ | John Mulaney: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript | john mulaney | Original air date: October 31, 2020 John Mulaney talks about New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s coronavirus briefings, the 2020 election and his grandmother. Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney! [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” fo... | [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the fourth time. [Cheers and applause] It’s the most anyone’s ever hosted. [Laughter] Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this, thank you for everyone here who did so much ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/henry-rollins-keep-talking-pal-transcript/ | Henry Rollins: Keep Talking, Pal (2018) – Full Transcript | henry rollins | [laughter] [indistinct chatter] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, Henry Rollins! [cheering, applause] Thanks for showing up. Hello, hello, hello. Good evening, good evening, good evening. All right. Thanks! Thank you. So… before anything, just a brief explanation as to, obviously, the cameras, you understand. This is being t... | [cheering, applause] Thanks for showing up. Hello, hello, hello. Good evening, good evening, good evening. All right. Thanks! Thank you. So… before anything, just a brief explanation as to, obviously, the cameras, you understand. This is being taped. Why? Portland. And this is where you might not believe me. Please str... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-but-im-not-wrong-2010-full-transcript/ | BILL MAHER… BUT I’M NOT WRONG (2010) – Full Transcript | bill maher | In front of a live audience at the Raleigh Memorial Auditorium at the Progress Energy Center for the Performing Arts in Raleigh, North Carolina, the Emmy-nominated host of Real Time with Bill Maher performs an all-new hour of stand-up comedy. Among the topics Bill discusses in his ninth HBO solo special are: Whether t... | Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. That’s okay. Thank you. You are so kind. Please. Thank you so much. Wow! What a– Thank you for that screaming ovation. You know, oh, I picked the right city this time. Oh, it’s true. I– You know, I– Thank you. Okay. Thank you, sir. All right, I get ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/t-j-miller-no-real-reason-transcript/ | T.J. MILLER: NO REAL REASON (2011) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | t j | – I wish I didn’t have to do this to perform, but it’s gotten me this far. All: you’re bad. You’re bad. You’re very, very bad. Thanks, guys. Can you clear all this out of here? [Sighs] [indistinct chatter] Mother, thank you for everything. I hope you get married and don’t die alone. [Indistinct chatter] – father, I jus... | [cheers and applause] – What the fuck is up, Colorado, huh? [Cheers and applause] I think that’s a good way to start things off, yeah? Hey, guys, thanks for coming. This guy, totally unimpressed. From the very start, never clapped, nothing. Just so high. He just turned to his girlfriend. He’s like, “who is this? “Why d... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maria-bamford-old-baby-2017-full-transcript/ | MARIA BAMFORD: OLD BABY (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | maria bamford | I always like to tell audiences… pre-program, just in case you’re brought here by a friend. Sometimes friends lead us astray. I had two very close friends. My parents invite me to go see a film. I said, “Of course I’ll go see that movie with you, because you love me. Why on earth would you want to see me suffer?” And t... | I always like to tell audiences… pre-program, just in case you’re brought here by a friend. Sometimes friends lead us astray. I had two very close friends. My parents invite me to go see a film. I said, “Of course I’ll go see that movie with you, because you love me. Why on earth would you want to see me suffer?” And t... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kate-berlant-cinnamon-in-the-wind-transcript/ | Kate Berlant: Cinnamon in the Wind (2022) | Transcript | kate berlant | Whoa! Okay, yeah. Good. Okay, don’t embarrass yourself, okay. Ohh, the expectations. Crushing, I would argue. Absolutely crushing, debilitating in every way. I’m gonna move this, ’cause I’m so thin I’ll disappear behind it, so… And then you’ll be like, “Is that… Is that Kate “or is that Kate? Right? “I don’t know who t... | Whoa! Okay, yeah. Good. Okay, don’t embarrass yourself, okay. Ohh, the expectations. Crushing, I would argue. Absolutely crushing, debilitating in every way. I’m gonna move this, ’cause I’m so thin I’ll disappear behind it, so… And then you’ll be like, “Is that… Is that Kate “or is that Kate? Right? “I don’t know who t... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ron-white-a-little-unprofessional-transcript/ | RON WHITE: A LITTLE UNPROFESSIONAL (2012) – Full Transcript | ron white | I told you to shut up. Hey, baby, what the hell are you doing? What? Ron, you promised. You know how I get when all that jabberin’ starts. It just makes me crazy sometimes. You know how I am. Get in. You have a show to do in four hours. Oh, baby, we gonna make it to that show, you don’t worry about that. You just get t... | Austin, Texas, how the hell are ya? Great to be back. Oh, man, it’s so great to be back in Austin, Texas. I just have so much fun when I’m here. I see so many friends. Thanks for comin’ out. I was in Bakersfield, California, Wednesday night. Boy, you people think you’re stupid. Last time I was in Austin was the first t... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-monologue-snl-transcript/ | Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript | ramy youssef | Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages. Published on March 31, 2024 * * * Ladies and gentlemen, Ramy Youssef! [Cheers and applause] This is an incredibly sp... | [Cheers and applause] |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-ready-to-sell-out-transcript/ | Mike Epps: Ready to Sell Out (2024) | Transcript | mike epps | [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, live from Gila Resorts and Casinos at Wild Horse Pass, put your hands together for Mike Epps! [crowd cheers] [cheering continues] [crowd applauds] [cheering continues] What’s up, Phoenix? [crowd roars] Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Phoenix, Arizona. [crowd cheers, whistles]... | [crowd cheers] [cheering continues] [crowd applauds] [cheering continues] What’s up, Phoenix? [crowd roars] Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Phoenix, Arizona. [crowd cheers, whistles] Phoenix, the home of the Witness Protection Program. [crowd laughs] See all these guys walking around the grocery store with wigs an... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/ | Hasan Minhaj at 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript | hasan minhaj | Hasan Minhaj’s full comedy routine at the 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. The comedian told one blistering joke after another about the sitting President of the United States, Donald Trump, and the media that covers him. Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room.
... | Thank you, wow, oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the series finale of the White House correspondents’ dinner. Oh man. My name is Hasan Minhaj, or, as I will be known in a few weeks, Number 830287. Who would have thought, with everything going on in the country, that a Muslim would be standing on this stage —... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rob-schneider-asian-momma-mexican-kids-transcript/ | ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS (2020) – TRANSCRIPT | rob schneider | [Rob Schneider] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Rob Schneider. [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering, clapping] Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake! You can do it! How are you? [chuckles] You know what I realized recently? I’m at the age now… It’s not that I’m less interested in sex, but I’m ... | [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering, clapping] Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake! You can do it! How are you? [chuckles] You know what I realized recently? I’m at the age now… It’s not that I’m less interested in sex, but I’m as interested in cookies. [audience laughing] You know what I mean? Y... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-zero-fks-given-2020-transcript/ | Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given (2020) – Transcript | kevin hart | Streaming on Netflix from November 17, 2020 [Kenzo babbling] [Kevin] Yo. What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all. [Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ? [imperceptible] Finish your homework? [Eniko] No. Look in my eyes. [Kenzo babbling] You’re lying. Fin... | [Kevin] Yo. What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all. [Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ? [imperceptible] Finish your homework? [Eniko] No. Look in my eyes. [Kenzo babbling] You’re lying. Finish your homework. Stop playing with me. [chuckles] Zo, give Da... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-the-best-of-ultimate-gold-greatest-hits-transcript/ | Jimmy Carr: The Best of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits (2019) – Full Transcript | jimmy carr | ♪ I got gas in the tank ♪
♪ I got money in the bank ♪
♪ I got news for you, baby You’re looking at the man ♪ Someone came up to me in the street and said, “Are you Jimmy Carr, or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?” I said, “Both.” I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy, which is… not that impressive, i... | Someone came up to me in the street and said, “Are you Jimmy Carr, or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?” I said, “Both.” I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy, which is… not that impressive, is it? I mean, “the hardest-working man,” that’s good, but “in comedy” takes the shine off that compliment. Th... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bridget-everett-gynecological-wonder-2015-full-transcript/ | BRIDGET EVERETT: GYNECOLOGICAL WONDER (2015) – Full Transcript | bridget everett | Recorded at Joe’s Pub at the Public Theater ( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. I can be better. I can be… Bridget. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you w... | ( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. I can be better. I can be… Bridget. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you work really hard, and you dream really, reall... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-che-matters-transcript/ | Michael Che Matters (2016) – Transcript | michael che | Voicemail again? Yo, Che! What they doing out here, man? People out here doing specials, they just up there, just talking. What they doing up there? Like, they don’t even make their specials special no more. You talking more like, that night, like the leather suit special. Remember when they used to do that back in the... | Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! Holy shit! That makes me feel good. I had a rough day. That made me feel better. I had a homeless guy call me a n*gger on the train. I let him because he was homeless and I thought that was the rule. I thought you’re supposed to let homeless people say whatever the fuck they want then ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-stand-up-monologue-snl-transcript/ | Nate Bargatze Stand-Up Monologue – SNL | Transcript | nate bargatze | Original air date: October 28, 2023 Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Bargatze! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s very exciting. It’s crazy. I’m as– look, if you’re at home, I’m as shocked as you are that I’m here. I’ve come to this building for a long time, so it’s unreal to be ... | [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s very exciting. It’s crazy. I’m as– look, if you’re at home, I’m as shocked as you are that I’m here. I’ve come to this building for a long time, so it’s unreal to be here at “Saturday Night Live.” It’s crazy. It’s all right there. My name ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-hello-again-transcript/ | Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024) | Transcript | tig notaro | Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024) Released on March 26, 2024, Prime Video “Tig Notaro: Hello Again” lands with the comedic subtlety of a lead balloon, ambitiously aiming for the stars but barely clearing the backyard fence. Notaro’s foray into the absurdity of her life and hallucinatory text exchanges ends up feeling more... | [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [rock music playing] [cheering and applause] Hello. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you, people of Brooklyn. [cheering and applause continues] Wow. [cheering and applause continues] Come on. You know that’s not my style. Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting. Um… Also, my wif... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-nightclub-comedian-transcript/ | Aziz Ansari: Nightclub Comedian (2022) | Transcript | aziz ansari | [tranquil drum and bass music plays] [comedian] We had a golden retriever. Yes, and you guys know me, I don’t see race, but I think we all know that’s a white dog. [audience laughs] Again, sit that one out. Sexting. As a dyslexic adult, sexting, that is the hurdle. I was dating a woman. She was a strong feminist. We wo... | [tranquil drum and bass music plays] [comedian] We had a golden retriever. Yes, and you guys know me, I don’t see race, but I think we all know that’s a white dog. [audience laughs] Again, sit that one out. Sexting. As a dyslexic adult, sexting, that is the hurdle. I was dating a woman. She was a strong feminist. We wo... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-3-mics-2017-full-transcript/ | NEAL BRENNAN: 3 MICS (2017)- FULL TRANSCRIPT | neal brennan | [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Neal Brennan. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. I’m vegan, but I’m a hypocrite about it. Like, I wear leather and I eat meat. [audience laughing] The Internet is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except every adventure ends with me masturbating. The Little League World S... | [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. I’m vegan, but I’m a hypocrite about it. Like, I wear leather and I eat meat. [audience laughing] The Internet is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except every adventure ends with me masturbating. The Little League World Series, or, as pedophiles call it, the World Seri... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/roy-wood-jr-father-figure-transcript/ | ROY WOOD JR.: FATHER FIGURE (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | roy wood | Look, I’m probably not gonna live long enough to teach you everything you need to know, so let’s just run through a couple things real fast. Number one, I need you to treat women with respect always. Even if you think you’re right, be respectful. Number two, don’t mix white and dark liquor. That’s how you end up in the... | Look, I’m probably not gonna live long enough to teach you everything you need to know, so let’s just run through a couple things real fast. Number one, I need you to treat women with respect always. Even if you think you’re right, be respectful. Number two, don’t mix white and dark liquor. That’s how you end up in the... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-live-iv-science-transcript/ | RICKY GERVAIS: LIVE IV – SCIENCE (2010) – Full Transcript | ricky gervais | (THUNDERCLAP) SPOOKY VOICE: Long ago, in a castle laboratory, (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) sort of like Frankenstein’s, you know, science turned abomination, a mad doctor’s dream to create a human being from the body parts of other human beings. A bit pointless, really. He wanted to create the world’s finest comedian. Popular... | (CROWD CHEERING) (BABA O’RILEY CONTINUING) Thank you. Hello. Hello. Wow! Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Thank you so much. I should explain something straight away. Usually, when I come out on stage, it’s amazing. I’m doing cartwheels, I’m doing back flips. It’s fucking spectacular. But I’ve hurt my back. That... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-millican-chatterbox-live-2011-full-transcript/ | SARAH MILLICAN: CHATTERBOX LIVE (2011) – Full Transcript | sarah millican | – Five minutes, Sarah. – I’m just gonna go and have a quick snack. (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah Millican. (Cheering) (Cheering, whistles) Hello. Thank you very much. (Chuckling) Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. – Thank you. How are you? Are you well? – (Audience) Yes. Excellent... | (Cheering) (Cheering, whistles) Hello. Thank you very much. (Chuckling) Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. – Thank you. How are you? Are you well? – (Audience) Yes. Excellent. Thank you very much for coming to my show. Er, it’s much appreciated. I was gonna start off with a bit of advice. I’m not really v... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-hitlers-dog-gossip-trickery-2017-full-transcript/ | Norm Macdonald: Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017) – Transcript | norm macdonald | Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, yo... | Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, yo... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dan-soder-on-the-road-transcript/ | Dan Soder: On The Road (2024) | Transcript | dan soder | Dan Soder presents a series of humorous reflections on various aspects of everyday life, including his desire for a simpler, more carefree existence. He touches on topics such as the allure of being effortlessly attractive or “dumb,” the peculiar freedoms enjoyed by attractive people, and personal anecdotes illustratin... | [Applause] I want to be fun. Dumb, you ever seen people that just have it? Where they’re just like, “You ever seen someone with the right amount where you’re like, ‘Damn, you have it. You just… it’s all green lights for you.'” That’s what I want, dude. Turn the lights down, just… just barely, just one more. Turn the li... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-deadbeat-hero-2004-transcript/ | DOUG STANHOPE: DEADBEAT HERO (2004) – Transcript | doug stanhope | Liberty
1a.The condition of being free from restriction or control
b.The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one’s own choosing The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor. Thanks. Do you work hard all week? Don’t do that. Don’t drink on... | Thanks. Do you work hard all week? Don’t do that. Don’t drink on weekends, you don’t. People come up Friday, Saturday… Don’t drink. If you gotta feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday trough Thursday. If you gonna you’ll feel like shit, do it on the company done. What do you gonna on Monday morning, when you need to be ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/moses-storm-trash-white-transcript/ | Moses Storm: Trash White (2022) | Transcript | moses storm | ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause continue] Crazy will always beat scary. Do you know what I mean by that? It’s not a great thesis. It’s not profound, but legitimately, that is the closest I have come to forgiveness in my life. So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. Five kids. No child sup... | ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause continue] Crazy will always beat scary. Do you know what I mean by that? It’s not a great thesis. It’s not profound, but legitimately, that is the closest I have come to forgiveness in my life. So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. Five kids. No child sup... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-nunchucks-flamethrowers-transcript/ | BRIAN REGAN: NUNCHUCKS AND FLAMETHROWERS (2017) – Full Transcript | brian regan | [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome Brian Regan! [cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. All right. I think we’re done with the hour. I am very honored by that. That means a lot. Thank you very much everybody. [cheering and applause]
Well, it was my... | [cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. All right. I think we’re done with the hour. I am very honored by that. That means a lot. Thank you very much everybody. [cheering and applause] Well, it was my New Year’s resolution to lose 15 pounds this year. I’ve only got 25 pounds to go.... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-life-worth-losing-transcript/ | George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2006) – Transcript | george carlin | Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York A modern man Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically... | Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up-linked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ryan-hamilton-stand-up-the-tonight-show-starring-jimmy-fallon-transcript/ | Ryan Hamilton Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript | ryan hamilton | Published on Sep 11, 2019 The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon [Cheers and applause] That’s very nice. Thank you. Someone said to me, “You look young from far away.” [Light laughter] And I think it might be the worst compliment I’ve ever heard… [Laughter] …in my life. It has a real M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end... | [Cheers and applause] That’s very nice. Thank you. Someone said to me, “You look young from far away.” [Light laughter] And I think it might be the worst compliment I’ve ever heard… [Laughter] …in my life. It has a real M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end, doesn’t it? [Light laughter] “You look young.” “Yeah?” “From fa... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/cedric-the-entertainer-live-from-the-ville-transcript/ | Cedric the Entertainer: Live from the Ville (2016) – Transcript | cedric the | [slow jazz music playing] [Ice Cube] He one of the OGs, one of the all-time greats. He can make you laugh with a look. [Jimmie Walker] He is a legend in the stand-up game. [Chris Rock] Yes. [Jerry Seinfeld] He’s so good. He’s completely unique. I love the guy. [Rock] The hardest gig I ever did was following Cedric the ... | [audience cheering] [woman shouting] [cheering continues] Wassup? [cheering continues] – [audience whooping] Nashville. Cashville. What up, y’all? [cheering continues] Yay! Yeah, man. Hey, how y’all doing? I feel y’all. Go and have a seat. How y’all doing, man? Y’all gotta give up for that TSU band. Let ’em hear it. [a... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-gun-control-full-transcript/ | Jim Jefferies on Gun Control [Full Transcript] | jim jefferies | Australian comedian Jim Jefferies breaks down the absurdity of America’s obsession with guns in his Netflix special BARE (2014) by Jim Jefferies I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns... | I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-natural-born-killer-transcript/ | Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer (2024) | Transcript | jimmy carr | [audience applauds] [Jimmy laughs boisterously] People say… You will have heard this, people say, “You can’t joke about anything these days.” Watch me now. [audience laughs] We’re gonna kick off our evening with some short, edgy jokes, get the measure of each other, see if we’re gonna be friends. [audience cheers and w... | [audience applauds] [Jimmy laughs boisterously] People say… You will have heard this, people say, “You can’t joke about anything these days.” Watch me now. [audience laughs] We’re gonna kick off our evening with some short, edgy jokes, get the measure of each other, see if we’re gonna be friends. [audience cheers and w... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/shane-gillis-live-in-austin-transcript/ | Shane Gillis: Live in Austin | Transcript | shane gillis | Shane Gillis’ debut stand-up comedy special, recorded live at The Creek and The Cave in Austin, TX, offers a blend of edgy, controversial humor and personal anecdotes. Gillis touches on a variety of topics, from his own haircut mishaps to observations on family dynamics, politics, and societal issues. He jokes about hi... | All right, I was thinking about the first time Congress had to come up with an age of consent. Imagine those in powdered wigs, that had to be a rough day for the fellas. It’s like some guy coming up first, like from Rhode Island, “12!” And everyone’s like, “Ew, ew, no dude. I don’t know why I have to go first on this o... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-walk-way-2017-full-transcript/ | BILL BURR: WALK YOUR WAY OUT (2017) – Full Transcript | bill burr | Netflix special filmed on October 21, 2016 at The Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. All right, thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? How’s it going? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to be here. Nice to be here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Let’s see if I’m funny first. Let’s see if I’m funny.
Nice to be here in... | All right, thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? How’s it going? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to be here. Nice to be here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Let’s see if I’m funny first. Let’s see if I’m funny. Nice to be here in Nashville. Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt. Right? To fit i... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-o-yang-good-deal-transcript/ | JIMMY O. YANG: GOOD DEAL (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | jimmy o | ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage… Jimmy O. Yang! [CHEERING] [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can h... | [CHEERING] [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can have a seat. Thank you, thank you so much. Where my Asian people at, As... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/deray-davis-how-to-act-black-transcript/ | Deray Davis: How To Act Black (2017) – Transcript | deray davis | [male announcer] ATL, get ready for the man of the hour! A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL He’s sold out tours, you’ve seen him on TV and in movies representing Chicago, soon to be one of the legends of laughter the hood hero, DeRay Davis! [cheering, applause] [hip-hop music playing] ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Hav... | All right. Okay, thanks. What’s up, ATL? What’s up? – [cheering] -Yeah. Y’all showed up. That’s cool as hell. Y’all showed up! My cousin was, like, “Ain’t nobody going to come.” I was, “Yes they are, I’m going to wear nice clothes. They’re gonna show up.” -Y’all look good, man. [audience member] You look good! No I don... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-sticks-stones-transcript/ | Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones (2019) – Transcript | dave chappelle | Sticks & Stones is Dave Chappelle’s fifth Netflix special.
In the promotional trailer Morgan Freeman narrates as Chappelle swaggers across a salt flat in leather pants, aviator shades and a remarkably long t-shirt. [Morgan Freeman] This is Dave. He tells jokes for a living. Hopefully he makes people laugh, but these da... | I knew a n i g g a in high school that was an urban genius. This motherfucker’s grades was so good, he got all the way from the hood to an Ivy League school with a full scholarship. From there, the motherfucker got himself into one of the best law schools in the country. And when he was in law school, he met a woman an... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stavros-halkias-live-at-the-lodge-room-transcript/ | Stavros Halkias: Live at the Lodge Room (2022) | Transcript | stavros halkias | In his stand-up comedy special Live at the Lodge Room, Stavros Halkias delivers a raucous and candid performance, touching on a wide range of personal experiences and observations. He starts by humorously recounting his weight fluctuation during the pandemic, blending self-deprecation with sharp social commentary. Halk... | Alright. Hell yeah. Alright. L.A. How we doing, gang? Huh? F*ck yes. Oh. Thank you for coming out. F*ck with your boy. How do I look, huh? Stop. Stop. Come on. You know, you know I had to come out here looking like a f*cking sidequest boss on GTA. I’ll have you motherf*ckers selling pornography all across San Andreas. ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rory-scovel-the-charleston-special-transcript/ | Rory Scovel: The Charleston Special (2015) | Transcript | rory scovel | (slow, meditative music) (audience clapping) [Voiceover] Ladies and Gentleman, Rory Scovel! (audience clapping and cheering) Charleston, South Carolina, thank you so much for being here tonight. Coming out, being a part of this. Lord knows the weather’s been rough. (mumbling) (laughs) Charleston. History, you seen our ... | Charleston, South Carolina, thank you so much for being here tonight. Coming out, being a part of this. Lord knows the weather’s been rough. (mumbling) (laughs) Charleston. History, you seen our history yet? You guys don’t shut the fuck up about the goddamned history. You seen some of our history stuff yet? Oh, we got ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chelsea-handler-evolution-transcript/ | Chelsea Handler: Evolution (2020) | Transcript | chelsea handler | Join me in welcoming the author of six number one “New York Times” bestselling books, the star of “Chelsea”, “Chelsea Does”, “Chelsea Lately” and “Hello, Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.” Please put your hands together for Chelsea Handler. Yeah! What’s up, New Jersey? I’m so happy you came out tonight with me. Look at this... | Yeah! What’s up, New Jersey? I’m so happy you came out tonight with me. Look at this beautiful train station. Built in 1889 for immigrants. Remember when that was cool? I decided to wear white tonight, ’cause I’m expecting my period. Before we get started… Hi, ladies. Hi, everybody. So nice to be out! I wanna make a se... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-smd-transcript/ | PETE DAVIDSON: SMD (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | pete davidson | [vocal music] ♪ Uh-uh, yeah ♪ Uh, uh-uh-uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Uh, uh-uh, yeah, uh ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ [music continues] ♪ ♪ All day, all day ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block ♪ Until we made a way, made a way ♪
♪ Day to day, man ♪ That’s the only way, only way ♪
♪ They gon’ know my name un... | Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s very nice– nice to be home. Very nice to be in New York. [people cheer] I, uh– I had a pretty– [man yells] Yup. [laughter] You know how you know someone’s from Staten Island? [laughter] They let you know that they’re from Staten Island. If you don’t know what Staten Island is, it’s ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-shameless-2007-full-transcript/ | LOUIS C.K.: SHAMELESS (2007) – Full Transcript | louis c | Please welcome Louis C.K.! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thanks, that’s very nice. Hello, everybody. How are ya? Woo! Good, thanks for- thank you, oh, good. Thanks, thanks for coming, thanks for being here. Thanks for not dying before you got here. Which could’ve happened. – Thanks for getting through the... | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thanks, that’s very nice. Hello, everybody. How are ya? Woo! Good, thanks for- thank you, oh, good. Thanks, thanks for coming, thanks for being here. Thanks for not dying before you got here. Which could’ve happened. – Thanks for getting through the traffic. I drove here, and... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-fear-of-an-empty-bed-transcript/ | DOUG STANHOPE: FEAR OF AN EMPTY BED [TRANSCRIPT] | doug stanhope | Comedy Central, Oct 4, 2016 After a bad breakup, Doug Stanhope’s rebound relationship with a beautiful woman runs into an unexpected obstacle. Ladies and gentlemen, so excited to bring him up. Finally doing my show. From the–the host of “The Doug Stanhope Podcast,” Mr. Doug Stanhope! This story is about relationships, ... | This story is about relationships, and I’m pretending to read it out of my book that just came out, called Digging Up Mother: A Love Story. Foreword by Johnny Depp. There’s a chick– uh, a lady I used to date in the late ’90s. She was out of my league. She was a, uh, former child star. One of “People” magazine’s 50 most... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-chewed-up-transcript/ | Louis C.K.: Chewed Up (2008) | Transcript | louis c | Filmed at the Berklee Performance Center in Boston, March 1, 2008
Hello, alright… thank you, alright f*ggot how you doin’ Sorry, I called him a f*ggot. I miss that word, k’now, I grew up saying that word and, I mean, it never meant gay. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know what gay was, I hadn’t been told that people ... | Hello, alright… thank you, alright f*ggot how you doin’ Sorry, I called him a f*ggot. I miss that word, k’now, I grew up saying that word and, I mean, it never meant gay. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know what gay was, I hadn’t been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea. F*ggot didn’t mean gay. When I was ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-i-wish-you-would-transcript/ | Trevor Noah: I Wish You Would (2022) | Transcript | trevor noah | [orchestral warmup] Potatoeszah. Zah. Potatoes. Baby. [low voice] Baby. [high voice] Baby. [normal voice] Can I hear it without the house for a second? Yep. Yep. [drawnout] Yep. [malevolent voice] “All those who try…” [normal] All right, bring it all in. [mimics announcer] “Ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner…” [ac... | [midtempo rock intro plays] [audience cheering, muted] [music volume increases] [cheering grows louder] [audience cheering loudly] What’s going on, Toronto, Canada? [cheering grows louder] How you doing, everybody? Welcome to the show! [cheering continues] Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show! Thank you so much for... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amanda-seales-i-be-knowin-transcript/ | Amanda Seales: I Be Knowin’ (2019) – Transcript | amanda seales | Now, y’all keep asking me, “Amanda, who is this special for?” And I keep telling y’all, “It’s for my sisters!” But it’s comedy, so it’s really for everybody. Okay, maybe not for everybody. Everybody except for racists, rapists, sexists, misogynists, narcissists. You know, folks that are callin’ the cops on black folks ... | Now, y’all keep asking me, “Amanda, who is this special for?” And I keep telling y’all, “It’s for my sisters!” But it’s comedy, so it’s really for everybody. Okay, maybe not for everybody. Everybody except for racists, rapists, sexists, misogynists, narcissists. You know, folks that are callin’ the cops on black folks ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-england-2-2010-full-transcript/ | RICKY GERVAIS: OUT OF ENGLAND 2 (2010) – Full Transcript | ricky gervais | Recorded before a live audience at the Chicago Theatre in Chicago (Music playing) (Cheering, applause) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage creator of “The Office” and “Extras,” writer, director, actor, producer, philanthropist, winner of three Golden Globes, two prime time Emmys and seven BAFTAs, all ... | (Cheering) Hello. Hello. (music ends) Thank you. Hello, Chicago. How are you? Wow wow. (Cheering, applause) Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. I, um… Thank you. Thank you. That was an amazing welcome. I should explain something straightaway. Usually when I come out onstage, it’s amazing, okay? I’m doing c... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-i-love-2014-full-transcript/ | WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I LOVE YOU (2014) – Full Transcript | whitney cummings | Ladies and gentlemen, from the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, California, please welcome to the stage, Whitney Cummings. Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t... | Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t fuckin’ watch it! You did not watch it, no you didn’t. ‘Cause if you had watched it, I wouldn’t fucking be here righ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-what-it-is-transcript/ | Dylan Moran: What It Is (2009) | Transcript | dylan moran | Dylan Moran’s What It Is (2009) offers a sweeping exploration of human foibles, societal observations, and the complexities of life through the lens of stand-up comedy. Moran navigates topics ranging from the absurdity of consumerism, the nuances of language barriers, and the cultural peculiarities of different countri... | (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Hello! You’re here. Hello, hello. Uh… I don’t know! You know, you come in, wanting stuff. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what anybody wants. I don’t know what I want. MAN IN AUDIENCE: We want you. Yeah, yeah. You say that. I get that, you know. Where’s the cake? Cake is the language of lov... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-great-america-transcript/ | Katt Williams: Great America (2018) – Transcript | katt williams | [announcer] You seen him on Pimpin’ Pimpin’. You seen him in American Hustle. You seen him in Friday After Next. He is single-handedly shutting the Internet down. Give it up for the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams! [audience cheering] [“Bad and Boujee” playing on speakers]
♪ Smokin’ on cookie in the hotbo... | [music stops, then audience cheers] Oh, man. I gotta honestly say, I have done seven, eight specials. Nothing is messing with Jacksonville at all. Let me say that. Off top. Lit. We did not– They don’t know. We better let them know. This the most famous county in the world. [audience cheering] People know the county and... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sammy-obeid-where-is-bethlehem-transcript/ | Sammy Obeid: Where is Bethlehem? | Transcript | sammy obeid | In this humorous and politically charged stand-up segment, comedian Sammy Obeid shares his family’s geographical connections to religious and historical sites like Jerusalem and Bethlehem, while playfully navigating the complex geopolitics of the region. He delves into the confusion surrounding the actual location of B... | My dad was born a few hours out of Jerusalem. My mom was born in Utah, so both places where Jesus got resurrected… Now, my great-grandma was born in Bethlehem, and I tell people this. They’re like, “Oh, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s the one.” She was Amish, she grew up in the holy land next to Scran... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-nothing-special-transcript/ | Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special (2022) | Transcript | norm macdonald | Norm was working hard preparing material for his Netflix special – until COVID shut things down. In the summer of 2020, he was scheduled to undergo a procedure and as he put it, “didn’t want to leave anything on the table in case things went south.” At home, the night before going in, he shot this – in one take. [Lori ... | [Norm] Okay. Hey, everybody. It’s Norm Macdonald. And this is my comedy special. That’s right. Now, of course I’m looking forward to getting back out there, you know. Seeing you folks in person, you know. I love doing gigs. And I miss it. My God, I miss it. Especially casinos. Those were my favorite gigs because I’m a ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-being-funny-transcript/ | JIMMY CARR: BEING FUNNY (2011) – Full Transcript | jimmy carr | Recorded live at the Birmingham’s Symphony Hall Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Altogether now. 5,4,3,2,1 Ladies and gentlemen. Please give it up for Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s n... | Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s not fuck about. Before we get started who has seen me before? Who has never seen me before? You sound happier. I’m not entirely sure this is working. According to Ofcom… The people that mak... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-birbiglia-old-man-and-pool-transcript/ | Mike Birbiglia: The Old Man and the Pool (2023) | Transcript | mike birbiglia | Mike Birbiglia‘s stand-up comedy show, The Old Man and the Pool, is a hilarious and thought-provoking exploration of middle age, mortality, and the importance of finding humor in life’s challenges. Birbiglia recounts his own personal experiences with aging, from his doctor’s recommendation that he start doing cardio fi... | Hey! [crowd cheering] How are ya? Look at us. We’re all here! We’re all here. This is so exciting. Oh my gosh. What better place to be than the Vivian Beaumont Theater at Lincoln Center, which is one of the Lincoln centers at Lincoln Center. And… congratulations on finding the correct one. [crowd chuckles] I’m thrilled... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-strange-times-transcript/ | Joe Rogan: Strange Times (2018) – Full Transcript | joe rogan | [indistinct chattering] [faint laughter] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh! What the fuck, Boston? Goddamn! Thank you. It’s good to be here. Good to be back. Fuck! I love it. Goddamn it! Good to see happy people… having a good time. It’s a tense world we’re living in today. You got a president that’s threatening to... | [indistinct chattering] [faint laughter] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh! What the fuck, Boston? Goddamn! Thank you. It’s good to be here. Good to be back. Fuck! I love it. Goddamn it! Good to see happy people… having a good time. It’s a tense world we’re living in today. You got a president that’s threatening to... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-hey-big-boy-transcript/ | Bert Kreischer: Hey Big Boy (2020) – Transcript | bert kreischer | [electronic music playing] [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… Bert Kreischer! [crowd cheering] Yeah! What’s up? Cleveland! [cheering, whooping] I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day… [crowd laughing, whistling] …that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. [laughing] She wal... | [crowd cheering] Yeah! What’s up? Cleveland! [cheering, whooping] I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day… [crowd laughing, whistling] …that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. [laughing] She walked in progressive left… walked out with a MAGA hat on, just– [groans] In all fair... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/w-kamau-bell-private-school-negro-transcript/ | W. Kamau Bell: Private School Negro (2018) – Transcript | w kamau | [cheering and applauding] What’s up? Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate all that applause, but also be careful. We have parents in the audience. There’s a lot of energy to put out this late at night for them. I appreciate you parents coming out ’cause you did the hard work to come here, yes. You had ... | [cheering and applauding] What’s up? Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate all that applause, but also be careful. We have parents in the audience. There’s a lot of energy to put out this late at night for them. I appreciate you parents coming out ’cause you did the hard work to come here, yes. You had ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/todd-glass-act-happy-transcript/ | TODD GLASS: ACT HAPPY (2018) – Full Transcript | todd glass | You’re… You’re… You’re… fun, you’re talented, you’re great. Look at this face. Look, right? All the positivity, you take it out there… By the way, this is a small room, 75 people, but play like it’s 80. And act happy, you hear me? We always have to look happy. Oh, cos that’s how you’re happy? -Fuck. Ladies and gentleme... | You’re… You’re… You’re… fun, you’re talented, you’re great. Look at this face. Look, right? All the positivity, you take it out there… By the way, this is a small room, 75 people, but play like it’s 80. And act happy, you hear me? We always have to look happy. Oh, cos that’s how you’re happy? -Fuck. Ladies and gentleme... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/leanne-morgan-im-every-woman-transcript/ | Leanne Morgan: I’m Every Woman (2023) | Transcript | leanne morgan | Leanne Morgan: I’m Every Woman (2023) In “I’m Every Woman,” Leanne Morgan delivers a stand-up performance that blends self-deprecating humor with relatable anecdotes, reflecting on her life as a 57-year-old woman. She jokes about the challenges of aging, weight gain during the COVID pandemic, and her struggle with diet... | Ladies and gentlemen, my mom, Leanne Morgan! [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering continues] [mouthing] Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank y’all. I caught it. Thank y’all so much. Thank y’all so much for coming out to watch me. Lexington, Kentucky, thank y’all. [audience cheering] Thank y’all. If I c... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-women-and-black-dudes-transcript/ | Neal Brennan: Women And Black Dudes (2014) – Transcript | neal brennan | [Hip-hop music plays] [cheers and applause] man: * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen ... | [cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen to you yet where you realize you’re too dependent on technol... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-irresponsible-transcript/ | Kevin Hart: Irresponsible (2019) – Transcript | kevin hart | [heartbeat] [indistinct chatter] [atmospheric whooshing] [audience cheering] It’s showtime, honey? Babe, I’m gone. [woman] Coming. Alright. See you later. [girl] Love you. Showtime, baby, let’s go. Show time, bro. [heartbeat] I’ll see you on the other side, baby. [man] Let’s go bro, let’s do what you do. – Have a good ... | ♪ Bitch, be humble Sit down ♪ God dammit, London y’all can do better than that. Y’all better make some fucking noise. [crowd erupts] ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ I’m gonna ask y’all one more time. Y’all better make some fucking noise one time. ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ Welcome, ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-freaked-out-transcript/ | Tom Papa: Freaked Out (2013) – Transcript | tom papa | ♪ Now the time is right ♪ ♪ Bright city light ♪ ♪ Turn it up a little louder ♪ ♪ Calling out your name ♪ ♪ To come out and play ♪ ♪ Before the midnight hour ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Everyone getting all dressed up ♪ ♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now ♪ ♪ We’re bringing on the night ♪ ♪ We’re taking on the town ♪ ♪ We’re shining like the... | Thank you very much. Yes indeed. You look great. It looks like you lost weight. Good for you. You look nice. Sincerely, many, many thanks. It means a lot that you’re here. A big round of applause for the Tom Papa dancers. Thank you so much. Really means a lot. It really does. Here’s why I don’t like the Chinese. Not so... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-snl-monologue-2018-transcript/ | John Mulaney: Snl Monologue (2018) – Transcript | john mulaney | Original air date: April 14, 2018 Host John Mulaney discusses his time as a Saturday Night Live writer and shares how he’s gotten grumpier as he’s gotten older. * * * Ladies and gentlemen — John Mulaney. ♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Nigh... | [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” [Cheers and applause] That is a very weird thing to say. I was a writer here for five years. Some of the best years of my life. And to be hosting here is just surreal. I mean, I used to write monolog... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/demetri-martin-overthinker-transcript/ | Demetri Martin: The Overthinker (2018) | Transcript | demetri martin | [cheering, applause] [Demetri] Man, that was a good improv. I’m so glad I asked for notes. I think my favorite animal to look at is probably the squirrel. [man] Yeah! You know what I mean? ‘Cause any squirrel, if you watch ’em long enough, there’s a moment where they suddenly realize they’re late for something. [laught... | [cheering, applause] [Demetri] Man, that was a good improv. I’m so glad I asked for notes. I think my favorite animal to look at is probably the squirrel. [man] Yeah! You know what I mean? ‘Cause any squirrel, if you watch ’em long enough, there’s a moment where they suddenly realize they’re late for something. [laught... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patrice-oneal-elephant-in-the-room-2011-full-transcript/ | Patrice O’Neal: Elephant in the Room (2011) – Transcript | patrice oneal | [Light funk music] * [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular. Bad titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was s’posed to com... | [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular. Bad titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was s’posed to come out, “oh, hey, hell... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-war-paint-transcript/ | Iliza Shlesinger: War Paint (2013) – Transcript | iliza shlesinger | Ladies and gentlemen, Iliza Shlesinger! All right! Dallas, Texas! Thank you. Oh. How are you guys doing? Thank you for coming out, y’all. Fantastic. I am so excited and honored to be shooting my hour special in my hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yes, ma’am. I’m so excited to be here. Not thrilled with getting here. I have t... | All right! Dallas, Texas! Thank you. Oh. How are you guys doing? Thank you for coming out, y’all. Fantastic. I am so excited and honored to be shooting my hour special in my hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yes, ma’am. I’m so excited to be here. Not thrilled with getting here. I have to be honest. I fly enough that I feel I ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jacqueline-novak-get-on-your-knees-transcript/ | Jacqueline Novak: Get on Your Knees (2024) | Transcript | jacqueline novak | In “Get on Your Knees,” Jacqueline Novak transcends the typical stand-up comedy show by delivering a unique blend of personal anecdotes and intellectual exploration into the act of oral sex, transforming it into a theatrical experience at the Cherry Lane Theater. Stripping away the primal elements typically associated ... | Thank you. Despite… Despite your warm welcome, that journey was hell. [audience laughing] The journey from backstage to a microphone always is. It’s fraught. And it’s ’cause for me what it reminds me of, frankly, uh, is the journey, you know… [audience chuckling] …from someone’s face, down their torso… [audience laughi... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-im-your-girlfriend-2016-full-transcript/ | WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND (2016) – Full Transcript | whitney cummings | (techno music playing) ♪ ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Whitney Cummings! (cheering)
I have to pee. I’m good! What is up, bitches? Come on! (cheering) Thank you so much for being here. I’m shooting my HBO special, no big deal. This... | What is up, bitches? Come on! (cheering) Thank you so much for being here. I’m shooting my HBO special, no big deal. This has been a dream of mine for a very long time, so thank you for being here, for showing up. I really appreciate it. Thank you for wearing shorts, sir. You were getting ready, you’re like, “I’m going... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/orny-adams-more-than-loud-transcript/ | Orny Adams: More Than Loud (2017) | Transcript | orny adams | Title: Orny Adams: More Than Loud
Type: Stand-up comedy special
Release date: December 1, 2017
Availability: You can watch the full special for free on YouTube “Orny Adams: More Than Loud” is a stand-up comedy special that showcases the vibrant and forceful comedic approach of Orny Adams. This special, which aired on S... | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, we only have an hour. (audience laughing) Have I offended anybody yet? We, it’ll happen. It happens fast! We have gotten soft. We have gotten soft. Watch this. What are you allergic to? Nothing! Nothing! Gluten wouldn’t take down our generation. (audience laughing) We’re not ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-tamborine-transcript/ | Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018) – Transcript | chris rock | [indistinct overlapping chatter] [woman] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn. Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally s... | [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn. Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid… just to make it look good. You would think that every cou... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-brand-messiah-complex-2013-full-transcript/ | RUSSELL BRAND: MESSIAH COMPLEX (2013) – Full Transcript | russell brand | ♪♪ (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪♪ (man speaking German) (announcer) Ladies and gentlemen… Russell Brand. ♪♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone who hears your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪♪ (ch... | (cheers and applause) Hello, everyone! I’m really happy to be with you here in London. I’m from near here. I’m happy to be with you. Are you all right? – Do you feel basically – benevolent? You’re really near the stage for that level of enthusiasm. I’m really, really happy to be in London. I’ve been traveling around a ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-concert-1979-full-transcript/ | Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) – Transcript | richard pryor | Filmed in Long Beach, California on December 10, 1978 [Distant traffic sounds] [Distant car motor] [Squeaking brakes] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Crowd murmur & distant cheers] [Door slam] [Cheering and applause] Richard Pryor: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank ... | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank you much. Good evening. Waiting for the people to get from the bathroom. People are in there pissing, wait, the shit done started. Damn. What’s happening, blood. Right on. Jesus Christ, look at the white people rushing back. White people don’t care, jack, just come... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sebastian-maniscalco-arent-you-embarrassed-transcript/ | Sebastian Maniscalco: Aren’t You Embarrassed? (2014) – Full Transcript | sebastian maniscalco | Good, good. It feels good to be home in Chicago in the center of the city. Huh? Oh, good. I grew up, uh, 25 miles away from here in Arlington Heights. So… And when we picked this beautiful theater for this, uh, special, I told my father, you know, “I’m gonna do this special “in Chicago. I’m gonna do it downtown.” He di... | Good, good. It feels good to be home in Chicago in the center of the city. Huh? Oh, good. I grew up, uh, 25 miles away from here in Arlington Heights. So… And when we picked this beautiful theater for this, uh, special, I told my father, you know, “I’m gonna do this special “in Chicago. I’m gonna do it downtown.” He di... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-more-feelings-transcript/ | Ramy Youssef: More Feelings (2024) | Transcript | ramy youssef | Ramy Youssef: More Feelings (2024) Released date: March 23, 2024 (Max) * * * I–I can’t tell you how honored I am to have this opportunity. My doctors told me I wouldn’t live past 18, and now I’m 33 doing– thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m doing what I love, make people laugh, telling my story. And every day is such ... | I–I can’t tell you how honored I am to have this opportunity. My doctors told me I wouldn’t live past 18, and now I’m 33 doing– thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m doing what I love, make people laugh, telling my story. And every day is such a gift. I’m so blessed. And I really wish I was dead. [laughter] Guys, the wo... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-losing-it-transcript/ | Vir Das: Losing It (2018) – Full Transcript | vir das | I lost 80% of my mind. It’s very freeing. You should see the look on your faces right now, by the way. Oh! Good evening, San Francisco. Are you guys excited, yeah? All right. Well, my name is Vir Das. We’re gonna have such a good time tonight. I’m so excited. It’s gonna be delightful. Oh, this is how I talk now. I just... | Oh! Good evening, San Francisco. Are you guys excited, yeah? All right. Well, my name is Vir Das. We’re gonna have such a good time tonight. I’m so excited. It’s gonna be delightful. Oh, this is how I talk now. I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know, and to make my comedy more authentically Ind... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sammy-obeid-on-palestine-transcript/ | Sammy Obeid on Palestine | Transcript | sammy obeid | In this stand-up, comedian Sammy Obeid humorously addresses the lack of global awareness about Palestinians, using famous figures like Jesus and DJ Khaled to highlight the region’s historical and contemporary complexities. He explores the serious issues of identity, conflict, and suffering in Palestine, labeling the si... | First of all, I think America doesn’t know a lot about Palestinian people, and that’s probably because America needs someone famous from a group to know about a race, right? And you think, like, who are famous Palestinians? Nobody really knows them. You have like Yasser Arafat and Jesus, and it’s like, who are those gu... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/ | Chris Rock: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript | chris rock | Original air date: October 10, 2020 Host Chris Rock does stand-up about Donald Trump contracting COVID-19, the pandemic and the U.S. government. Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced
—James Baldwin [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock! [cheers and applause]... | [cheers and applause] ♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Before we even get started let’s — you know, the elephant in the room. President Trump’s in the hospital from Covid and you know, I just want to say my heart goes out to Covid. [laughter] This is a special show, this show is quite different ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-live-at-the-apollo-2013-transcript/ | TREVOR NOAH: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2013) – Transcript | trevor noah | Trevor Noah: Good evening. I grew up in South Africa. That’s where I still live, I enjoy it, grew up there during a time known as Apartheid. For those who don’t know, Apartheid was a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another, you know. This was against the law. And ... | Trevor Noah: Good evening. I grew up in South Africa. That’s where I still live, I enjoy it, grew up there during a time known as Apartheid. For those who don’t know, Apartheid was a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another, you know. This was against the law. And ... |
https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/david-chappelles-snl-monologue-2016-transcript/ | David Chappelle: SNL monologue [November 12, 2016] – Transcript | david chappelles | Saturday Night Live Season 42 Episode 6 on November 12, 2016 with host Dave Chappelle Transcript of Dave Chappelle’s opening monologue from November 12, 2016 “Saturday Night Live.” The comedian hosted the late night show for the first time and he joked about Donald Trump being elected president and how being rich chang... | Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you again. You know, been a long time. It’s been a long time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was going to win the election. I did suspect it. It seemed like Hillary was doing well in the polls and yet — I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full of ... |
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