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+{"My therapist told me to watch this show and it helped me so much This show helped me identify so many behavior patterns while myself watching Celeste on screen. Seriously life changing, would recommend this to anyone I know who's suffered through physical andor emotional abuse with a trigger warning of course. Here's a couple pages out of an unsent letter to my ex, I hope you guys find this interesting or insightful! \"I'm angry towards you. I try not to harbor negative feelings towards you because it hurts me to see you in a negative light, because I still hold you near and dear to my heart. My mind wants to jump to the positives to hold your memory in a respectful, loving manner. It's like a highlight reel flashing into my mind that makes me romanticize our time together. But you don't deserve that. And that wasn't our reality. My therapist asked me to watch Big Little Lies because she felt that it would help me understand myself and the way I am in therapy. There is a lady named Celeste suffering from physical abuse in her marriage. Her therapist points out that Celeste's husband, Perry, is absolutely horrible to her and that she needs to get out. Celeste always jumps to defend Perry, explaining her role in what led to the physical abuse. Celeste blames herself. She defends Perry, despite his horrible actions. Celeste admits that sometimes she pushes him back too, so she's technically violent too. The therapist looks so disappointed and frustrated, to see Celeste so deeply brainwashed. Perry dies eventually, and Celeste has an interesting relationship with grief. There's relief, there's guilt, there's heartbreak, there's romanticizing the past, there's defending him, there's highlight reels playing in her mind, there's lowlight reels of abuse playing in her mind, and her therapist is trying to help her make sense of it all. Here are a few dialogues that stuck out to me Therapist Even in death, his message lives on. Celeste What message? Therapist That you're to blame. You're always to blame. You're not. Therapist You're still married, Celeste, and the husband is dead. Celeste So, you're saying for my life to go on successfully, I need to be with a man? Therapist No. But the freedom to be with one, maybe. I know exactly why my therapist told me to watch this. I see so much of myself in Celeste, so much of you in Perry, and so much of my therapist in the onscreen therapist. My therapist has told me that you're insecure, misogynistic, and emotionally abusive. I always jump to defend you. I always jump to explain my toxic behaviors that led you to act that way. My therapist tells me I'm brainwashed, and I always sit there in silence struggling to croak out a \"yeah, you're right.\" I'm still struggling to unlearn the negative things you taught me about myself. You told me that it was my fault that you got so angry at me, but no T, it was yours. It was your fault. I had my faults that I've identified and am desperately trying to work through, but I didn't deserve what you put me through. You cannot put the responsibility of your actions onto me. You don't get to shift the blame onto me like that. And I applaud you for successfully doing so, because you got what you wanted and it's messed me up beyond belief. Let me go into the above dialogues, and explain how those all relate Even in the death of our relationship, one that we've both had to grieve, your message still lives on that I'm the one to blame. I'm the one with the toxic traits, not you. That I pushed you to those points. That I deserved those reactions from you. I still blame myself, and that's why I jump to defend you to my therapist. I'm still in a relationship with you in my head, but this relationship is dead. I feel guilty for going on a date and swiping on these apps, it feels like cheating. But our relationship is dead and gone, and I need to accept that and allow myself to move forward. I don't need to be with a man, I don't want a relationship, I don't want a hookup, I want nothing of the sort at this stage in my life. But I need to condition myself into allowing myself the freedom to be with one, which is why I still pursue the prospect of going on respectful dates. I like to believe that our situation was far from Celeste's and Perry's, since we didn't cross the line of physical abuse. But I wonder if it would've gotten to that point had we stayed together for years. I remember the couple of times you firmly grabbed my wrist in anger to aggressively push it away. Once when I was standing in front of the apartment door in LA, asking you to stay back to talk out our fight instead of storming off for a walk. And once in your car, when I was turning down the music while we were fighting. I think that fight in LA was the closest I felt to the possibility of you laying your hands on me. That was scary, and I tried to push it out of my memory so much that I forgot about it entirely until watching this show. It's so interesting to me, because when Celeste initially started therapy with Perry before she started having one on one sessions, she used to speak in \"we.\" We have a violent relationship. We inflict pain onto each other. We struggle with our relationship. We struggle with our anger. We struggle with communication. And I've done the same. I tell myself that we both sucked, that we were both unhealthy, and that we were both the problem. You've pointed the finger at me so many times during our relationship \"this is your fault \"you're like this\" \"you did this\" \"you're immature\" \"you're childish\" \"you're controlling\" \"you're insecure\" \"you're insane\" \"you need help\" and so much more I've tried to wipe from my memory. But it's my turn to point the finger, and dissociate \"you\" from \"we.\" T, you hurt me. You put me through hell. You sucked. You were unhealthy. You were the problem. When I say \"you\", I'm not excusing myself for my faults, but I do want to assign blame to you where it's due. You are not my soulmate. And I deserve someone better. Love, S end letter":{"0":"Dear ex, I went on a date last night. Dear T, I went on a date last night. I wanted to unblock your number to call you afterwards and tell you about it and tell you how much I miss you and how badly I wished that things would've worked out between us. But then I had to remind myself that our last interaction was explosive, emotionally tormenting, entirely unapologetic from your end, and that I need to keep moving forward instead of backwards. What would I have gotten out of that phone call? The sweet taste of temporary validation. Key word temporary. Because it would've turned into a fight, a show of waterworks and anger. The good thing about cyclical toxicity is that at some point, you recognize the pattern. Now that I can do that, I can stop the cycle from starting all over again every time. The date went well. I met this guy on The League, and he showed a keen and immediate interest in getting to know me. Don't worry, I kept my guard up and was safe about the whole thing because I know how much you always worried about my safety. He's far along in his career, and I felt almost guilty for being drawn to that because I know how much of an insecurity your lack of direction in your career was in our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship would've ever worked, because a powerful, career oriented woman needs to be with a man who is equal to her or greater than in his career trajectory. Not in a misogynistic way, but the male ego is fragile, and I think it's important for the man to feel like he's the one providing and protecting not the other way around. My mother always warned me about this with my investment banking years lined up ahead of me, and I used to think it was sexist bullshit. But the more I grow, the more I realize how important it is for some gender roles to stay in place. I wouldn't have minded at all if you were pursuing something less ambitious or less financially rewarding because I personally don't see how love correlates to money. But I think it would have bothered you in the long run, made you feel less than, and led to another plethora of insecurities and self destructive behaviors. So, the fact that he was far along in his career checked off one box for me, as a means for damage control against bigger power struggles down the road. He showered me with compliments before we'd met up, and it made me uncomfortable. He told me I was beautiful, that I had a gorgeous name, and that he couldn't wait to see me. I don't know why this all made me feel icky inside. Maybe it was the guilt, accepting those words from someone other than you. Maybe it was the anger, that you never showered me with compliments like this past the first couple weeks of our relationship. Maybe it was discomfort and skepticism, that maybe this stranger is saying these words to me to get in my pants and woo me into a trance of sorts. Maybe it was me protecting myself from being naive and impressionable. Maybe it was my own insecurity not wanting to believe that someone could feel these things towards me, because I certainly didn't feel confident in myself during our relationship. You told me it was hard to love me because of my sexual past. You wouldn't want to have sex with me because of how insecure you were about my sexual past. You told me you'd hypothetically want to sleep with other people to match my body count so you could let it go once and for all. You'd yell at me in anger, and scream at me to leave you alone when all I was trying to do was help or leave the conversation off on a positive note. That'll do it for my self esteem, it was all downhill from there. But you know what, I feel a lot more confident now away from you than I ever was with you. My perception of self is no longer contingent upon your mood swings or anger blowouts for the day. But, for some reason, I still don't feel happy with myself. I look in the mirror and ask God why he had me born like this instead of a pretty white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. Oh yeah, I'm getting that nose job you always told me I didn't need. Maybe that'll help, or maybe it'll make things worse because if I'm not happy with my appearance after a procedure sucking my wallet dry, I don't know what I'll want to do with myself. Stay tuned. I was scared before the date. I was meeting up with a complete stranger. Yes, in a public setting. But I was still nervous. I called the bar earlier in the day to let them know that I'll be on a first date with someone I met online, and that I would like an escort to my car if I feel uncomfortable. They were understanding, and that put me at ease. But I couldn't get the stories out of my head of Tinder dates turning into funerals. I prayed as I left my apartment, asking God to please let me walk back into my apartment and live to see this door again. It's just my paranoia. The guy seemed harmless. But I missed feeling safe with you. I never once feared for my physical safety when I was with you. I always knew I was walking into the arms of someone who would die protecting me against all the other evils in the world. But now I have to walk straight into those evils of the world with nothing but my couple months of boxing lessons and pepper spray, just hoping my faith in God helps me dodge the bullets of rape and murder. I wore a sweater and a skirt with stockings and a long coat. Modest, but put together. That's something I learned from you, the beauty of modesty. I know you never drooled over women dressed in inches of clothes, but you always seemed to have an innocent admiration towards women dressed modestly and elegantly like the way you always felt my mother was so beautiful and other Muslim women dressed well. I liked the way you looked at those women, with admiration and respect obviously not in a romantic way and it made me realize that I don't need to put my body on display for a man to be attracted to me. I don't need to show off my boobs or smaller waist or bigger bum to grab a man's attention. I want to be looked at with that same respect and admiration. I don't want to be objectified on a first date, or even a second date for that matter. I want someone to like me for me. So I dressed accordingly, and felt confident in doing so. When I arrived, he was sitting there waiting for me. He stood up when he saw me, and pulled my chair out for me. He told me I looked great. Wow, I thought to myself. T was never the chivalrous gentleman that would pull out chairs or open car doors for me. There it was again, the guilt of comparison painting you in a negative light. But I shouldn't feel guilty. I begged for those things from you. I asked you to spoil me and shower me with affection and words of affirmation and acts of service. Those were my needs. I need to be treated like a princess, because I am fully capable of treating my partner like a prince. You couldn't meet my needs. I need to accept that. The conversation was fine. We sat for hours and spoke about our lives, our families, our religious beliefs, our political beliefs, our interests, and basically anything else that you're supposed to talk about on a first date. He was kind hearted and mellow, but he wasn't for me. He wasn't lively or energetic, he was mundane and simple. I think he was a great guy with a great heart who would treat his girlfriend like a queen, and one day make her his wife. But I didn't feel that connection or spark that I needed to want to move forward. I know he will make another girl happy one day. Also, he was white. I don't want to end up with a white guy, and I knew that. But I wanted to give it a chance, because you never know who will surprise you. My therapist is also trying to get me to open up to white guys, since I seem to have an insecurityfueled mental block against them. It's weird for me to accept that a white guy might be attracted to me, because I feel so far from the white blonde girl that I've convinced myself any white guy would pick over me in a heartbeat. A part of me felt guilty for going on a date with a white man, because I know how insecure you felt about my hook up with Austin. But a part of me felt empowered going on a date with a white man, because I remember how insecure I felt about your white prostitute endeavor and your porn addiction which I'm sure is primarily filled with white women since they stand as the majority demographic in the industry. But I shouldn't think of things in terms of tit for tat, because that's unhealthy in itself. Still over here trying to unlearn toxic behaviors, but it's hard. We had so many of them. When I was sitting across the table from him, I'd find myself zoning out and wondering if he'd have a problem with my sexual past too. I also started wondering how he'd handle a fight with me. I knew I wasn't interested in pursuing anything further, but I couldn't help but wonder. Would he make me feel like a whore for my past? Would he yell at me? Would he call me names? Would he hit his steering wheel to frighten me? Would he push me away when things got hard? Did he have a porn addiction? Would he turn to porn as an outlet if we were in a rough patch? Did he have a past with a prostitute? Was he wildly insecure too? You traumatized me. I hate using that word, because I don't like to feel like a weak victim. But you did. I have these deeply embedded fears and anxieties that I have to shoo away now because of what you put me through. We talked about our pasts, and I summarized our relationship into a few sentences. That felt odd, minimizing a year and a half long experience into a few sentences. It felt like I wasn't able to do justice to everything we went through. But that's the reality now. You're just a few sentences in the bigger novel of my life. You don't get to be a part of every chapter. You don't get to be a part of my happy ending. I felt guilty too. I mentioned that our relationship ended because of incompatibility, mental health issues, and a strong discomfort you felt towards my past. He made a face at the last one. I felt horrible. I was demonizing you to a complete stranger. I don't want anyone to think of you in a negative light, because I feel guilty thinking of you in a negative light myself. And I remember when we were together, you'd make comments about how I'd probably paint you out as the slut shaming, insecure ex to my future prospects and how that made you so angry. I always reassured you that I'd never do that to you. But... I guess that is what happened in a way. I'm allowed to share it with whomever I choose. But I still feel guilty. I don't have it in me to lie and cover up anymore. This is my truth. And you were right all along, because that is exactly what is happening now. But I didn't sit there and shit on you, I simply stated it and moved on with the conversation. Was that still wrong of me? I know what my therapist's answer would be No. So I have to hold onto what she tells me because I trust her over myself. We were joking around, and I told him how I monitor my sister's social media accounts to make sure she stays out of trouble as you already know, I'd usually consider this a violation of privacy but in her case, she needs it. I found out some girl was calling my sister a bitch and a slut, and my sister wanted to hide it from me because she was afraid of me seeing her as a bitch or a slut. I'm so happy I went through her phone, because I found it and had a great heart to heart and I ended up getting an apology from the girl who called my sister those names. But that's besides the point. We talked about the future, and I told him my skeleton of a year plan. He innocently said \"oh you like to be in control huh\" and I laughed it off and said \"no, no, no... yep, guilty as charged.\" It is true though, I do like to be in control of my life. But I felt like a monster hiding behind a laugh. I remembered all the times you would call me controlling. In our relationship, I absolutely was. In the midst of such turbulence and insecurity and the inability to leave, the only thing I turned to was being controlling. I am a bit controlling by nature, but I do think that in our relationship I ended up being more controlling than I would've ever been in a healthy, peaceful relationship. I was never at mental ease in our relationship. But your words have gotten to me, and now I'm questioning whether or not I'm some control freak monster. I know the guy on the date was making a harmless joke, but was I hiding behind the guise of humor? Are all the mean things you said about me true? The date ended, and he walked me to my car. I felt comfortable enough to not ask for an escort, and my car was a second walk away, parallel parked on a public street. He told me he really liked me. I awkwardly said yeah I liked you too when I knew I didn't like him enough to want to see him again. He went in for a kiss and I immediately swerved and went for a hug. I didn't want to kiss him, but even if I did, the thought of kissing someone that isn't you felt wrong. When I was in that split second hug, I so badly wished I could fold into your arms instead and look up to you and get a kiss. I miss hugging you, laying my head on your chest, hearing your heartbeat, and jokingly telling you that I can hear it speeding it up. Toxicity is weird, because you hurt me so much, but I still miss you. Stockholm syndrome? Who knows. I texted him afterwards explaining ever so politely that I'm not interested in pursuing a second date, but that he's absolutely incredible and that I wish him the best. So that's that, until the next guy I go on a date with. I'm angry towards you. I try not to harbor negative feelings towards you because it hurts me to see you in a negative light, because I still hold you near and dear to my heart. My mind wants to jump to the positives to hold your memory in a respectful, loving manner. It's like a highlight reel flashing into my mind that makes me romanticize our time together. But you don't deserve that. And that wasn't our reality. My therapist asked me to watch Big Little Lies because she felt that it would help me understand myself and the way I am in therapy. There is a lady named Celeste suffering from physical abuse in her marriage. Her therapist points out that Celeste's husband, Perry, is absolutely horrible to her and that she needs to get out. Celeste always jumps to defend Perry, explaining her role in what led to the physical abuse. Celeste blames herself. She defends Perry, despite his horrible actions. Celeste admits that sometimes she pushes him back too, so she's technically violent too. The therapist looks so disappointed and frustrated, to see Celeste so deeply brainwashed. Perry dies eventually, and Celeste has an interesting relationship with grief. There's relief, there's guilt, there's heartbreak, there's romanticizing the past, there's defending him, there's highlight reels playing in her mind, there's lowlight reels of abuse playing in her mind, and her therapist is trying to help her make sense of it all. Here are a few dialogues that stuck out to me Therapist Even in death, his message lives on. Celeste What message? Therapist That you're to blame. You're always to blame. You're not. Therapist You're still married, Celeste, and the husband is dead. Celeste So, you're saying for my life to go on successfully, I need to be with a man? Therapist No. But the freedom to be with one, maybe. I know exactly why my therapist told me to watch this. I see so much of myself in Celeste, so much of you in Perry, and so much of my therapist in the onscreen therapist. My therapist has told me that you're insecure, misogynistic, and emotionally abusive. I always jump to defend you. I always jump to explain my toxic behaviors that led you to act that way. My therapist tells me I'm brainwashed, and I always sit there in silence struggling to croak out a \"yeah, you're right.\" I'm still struggling to unlearn the negative things you taught me about myself. You told me that it was my fault that you got so angry at me, but no T, it was yours. It was your fault. I had my faults that I've identified and am desperately trying to work through, but I didn't deserve what you put me through. You cannot put the responsibility of your actions onto me. You don't get to shift the blame onto me like that. And I applaud you for successfully doing so, because you got what you wanted and it's messed me up beyond belief. Let me go into the above dialogues, and explain how those all relate Even in the death of our relationship, one that we've both had to grieve, your message still lives on that I'm the one to blame. I'm the one with the toxic traits, not you. That I pushed you to those points. That I deserved those reactions from you. I still blame myself, and that's why I jump to defend you to my therapist. I'm still in a relationship with you in my head, but this relationship is dead. I feel guilty for going on a date and swiping on these apps, it feels like cheating. But our relationship is dead and gone, and I need to accept that and allow myself to move forward. I don't need to be with a man, I don't want a relationship, I don't want a hookup, I want nothing of the sort at this stage in my life. But I need to condition myself into allowing myself the freedom to be with one, which is why I still pursue the prospect of going on respectful dates. I like to believe that our situation was far from Celeste's and Perry's, since we didn't cross the line of physical abuse. But I wonder if it would've gotten to that point had we stayed together for years. I remember the couple of times you firmly grabbed my wrist in anger to aggressively push it away. Once when I was standing in front of the apartment door in LA, asking you to stay back to talk out our fight instead of storming off for a walk. And once in your car, when I was turning down the music while we were fighting. I think that fight in LA was the closest I felt to the possibility of you laying your hands on me. That was scary, and I tried to push it out of my memory so much that I forgot about it entirely until watching this show. It's so interesting to me, because when Celeste initially started therapy with Perry before she started having one on one sessions, she used to speak in \"we.\" We have a violent relationship. We inflict pain onto each other. We struggle with our relationship. We struggle with our anger. We struggle with communication. And I've done the same. I tell myself that we both sucked, that we were both unhealthy, and that we were both the problem. You've pointed the finger at me so many times during our relationship \"this is your fault \"you're like this\" \"you did this\" \"you're immature\" \"you're childish\" \"you're controlling\" \"you're insecure\" \"you're insane\" \"you need help\" and so much more I've tried to wipe from my memory. But it's my turn to point the finger, and dissociate \"you\" from \"we.\" T, you hurt me. You put me through hell. You sucked. You were unhealthy. You were the problem. When I say \"you\", I'm not excusing myself for my faults, but I do want to assign blame to you where it's due. You are not my soulmate. And I deserve someone better. Love, S","1":"My ex was addicted and it still fucks with me Long story short I 20F joined this page from my nonburner months ago while my ex 20M I were together so that I could understand more of his day to day struggle with quitting porn. It's been something that's made me uncomfortable since day a year ago now and something he felt wasn't right to continue either for his own sake. He tried stopping but would relapse whenever we were in a bad place, which broke me to pieces and made me feel like my world was falling apart every time no matter how much anyone tries to rationally explain this addiction to me, it still feels like a blow to my self esteem a slap in the face. The thought of him getting himself off to a naked woman moaning and having sex on screen would keep me up at night, give me nightmares, and leave me in a state of perpetual anxiety. We broke up months ago for a plethora of other reasons, were in contact for the first months when we were trying to work things out again rookie mistake I know, and haven't spoken in a month now because we both finally gave up. I still can't get it out of my head that now he's free to watch as much porn as he wants and is probably doing so on a daily basis again. I know he is no longer mine, and he's not an object that I possess, but for some reason it still hurts so much more than words can explain. The thought of him moving on hurts too obviously, but the porn addiction cuts deeper than that because of how many issues it caused in our relationship and my sense of security for so long. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I don't even know if there's any advice that could help. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Feel free to share your thoughtsstories below!","2":"Don't go back to him letter to self Context Me 20F and him 20M dated for months, mutually broke up, and have stayed in contact for the last months post break up. I finally pulled the plug on contact when I saw him in person days ago. . This boy is saying you traumatized him, and you've felt so bad for so long. But in the grand scheme, a one time car chase when he was antagonizing youtaunting you and some spam calls when he was shutting you down and ignoring you still horrible and unacceptable on my part is nothing in comparison to him yelling at you, cussing at you, hitting objects in his car to scare you, guilt tripping you into staying on account of his mental health, and worst of all making you feel responsible for his fucking life. You're the one who should be traumatized, yet you push past all the bad and try to focus on the good day in and day out. Worst of all he uses the excuse of being traumatized by you to exert anger and aggression onto you on a repeated basis. . This boy does not appreciate you in the slightest, he has a massive victim complex. He told you you'll never find anyone that will put up with your shit. How fucking dare he? Where the hell is he going to find someone with a heart of gold who keeps forgiving him for his bullshit? Where is he going to find someone who writes him up a mental health packet, spends hours calling therapists to find the right one for him, haggles the price down and subsidizes it to an unheard of hour for him just so he can get the help he needs, compiles resources for him even after breaking up, and lets herself knowingly get manipulated into staying when he plays the suicide card? Who else creates a support system made up of his cousin, sister, and best friends for him even after being broken up and manipulated by him? All for him to go to measly sessions of therapy and call it quits. That's fucking disrespect. All you ever got was a \"thank you\" and \"that's so sweet\" before having your efforts overlooked and forgotten. Not to mention that you've never once said anything to him along the lines of how he won't find someone to put up with him. . This boy made you feel selfish and guilty for \"abandoning\" him when he was suicidal, refusing help, and dragging you down. You spent months enduring the pain of his mental instability, on top of finding him the help that he refused. You reached a point where you needed to put yourself first after months of being broken up him refusing help, and he's somehow managed to make you feel horrible for it while sucking you back in. You did nothing wrong. You did your best for him, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. . This boy tried making you feel entirely responsible for both your anger issues and his. He told you that you were solely responsible for your anger issues and that he had no role to play in those issues being triggered, yet he simultaneously told you that it was your fault he lashes out at you because he's never been like this before. He makes you feel horrible for your anger issues, but glosses over the impactseverity of his. He has not the slightest idea how horrible his issues are, because you are resilient and don't let it affect you. The strength you exhibit gives him an excuse to ignore the severity of his issues. He would need to see you broken and weak to understand what he's done to you. But you will never be those things. . This boy has made your brain go numb. When you're with him, you forget all the bad he's done and when he asks you what he's done wrong, your brain draws blanks. When you step away you reevaluate objectively and realize he's done a number on you. The constantly taking space results in agonizing pain for you when there's a lack of communication, canceling plans, mood shifting, overthinking to the point of ruining both of your days, last minute decisions, inconsistent affectionintimacy, and late recovery times from arguments has caused nothing but anxiety and uneasiness for you. You two are just not a good match and you never will be. . This boy will text you and tell you he misses you. In your absence, he will tell you everything you always wanted to hear and give you the appreciation you always craved from him. Do not fall back in. Soon after letting him back in, he will start taking you for granted again. The cycle will start all over again and result in your disappointment. . This boy doesn't work on anything or act proactively. The retroactive jealously has still not been confronted or fixed, it's just been swept under the rug. You've just been lucky that there haven't been any triggers for it lately. Every issue gets swept under the rug. His suicidal thoughts do too. And he refuses to confront issues head on and work to find solutions. So he drags you down with him instead and makes you feel guilty when you've had enough and want an out. There is no way to leave this boy peacefully, because he will find a reason to pity himself and demonize you in the process. Accept that you are the bad guy in his eyes and let it go. . This boy told you he can't stand you. He told you he's happy you're moving across the country for the summer. He told you you're psychotic. He told you you're crazy. He's told you that your comments were trashy. He's told you you were a sex driven person in the past and made you feel horrible for it. He's told you that you're being a bitch. He's told you that you're throwing yourself a pity party when you were crying. He's told you to fuck off. He's told you get the fuck out of his car. He's told you to leave him the fuck alone. You've never once name called him or cussed him out despite what he's put you through. Words hurt, and he's lucky you don't get easily traumatized and overwhelmed by everything. . This boy gets overwhelmed by everything. He can't stand when you tell him multiple things are bothering you because it feels like a complaints list to him. He expects you to stay silent and lower your expectations while hoping for the best. He's made his breaking points so clear yet pushes you past yours. . This boy shuts you down and invalidates your perspectives when he's angry. He is often times self righteous and stubborn, two qualities that you cannot and should not stand. He refutes most points you make against him and gets incredibly defensive. Meanwhile you're expected to listen and absorb whatever negative feedback he has about you. . This boy tried to tell you your sexual past is \"worse\" than his because of one night stands in college. Meanwhile he's gotten blown by a prostitute, and received virtual sex from webcam girls on top of being addicted to porn. But your past is \"worse\" because you were initially unapologetic about it while he kept his past a secret from the world as he is ashamed of it. When you told him you think both of your pasts are \"bad\" in different ways and that it shouldn't be a comparison, he had every reason to refute and rebuttal. He absolutely had to villainize you to move past it. . This boy gave you an ugly ending when you were sobbing and begging for a peaceful, loving goodbye. He told you everything happening was your fault, and successfully minimized the damage of his own detrimental actions. He then miraculously managed to make you feel guilty when you responded back saying that the blame is shared and that no one is the bad guy here. \"So when I point the finger at you, you're going to shoot back at me and point it at both of us? You're sharing the blame when it's all your fault.\" He wanted to antagonize you and make you feel horrible on your way out while ridding himself of blame. His last words to you in person were \"yeah get out you fucking annoying ass\" . This boy took you as a fucking joke when you told him you wanted to end it. He told you to get the fuck out of his car because you both know this isn't the last time you're talking. He knows how weak you are for him and is banking on the fact that you won't follow through on your word. You have to be strong and keep the contact cut, otherwise you'll give him the power of being right and knowing he still has a hold on you. He will never reflect on his actions if he still has you at his beck and call. . This boy loves you at the end of the day in the most twisted, convoluted way. He's made huge improvements and done his best. But he has huge issues. You have issues too. You two are polar opposites in the worst ways. And you will never work. You just aren't a good match. No one's a bad guy, but you just need to remember these things so that you don't fall back into it. . This boy is not your dream man. And he never will be.","3":"My partner is not too affectionate. I don't know much longer I can last. Long story short, my partner is not as affectionate as I'd like him to be. And it's getting to a point where I'm starting to give up. I've been asking him for months on end to please be more affectionateexpressive because it is an emotional need that I need fulfilled in order to be healthy partner. I don't know if I am asking for too much and maybe need to be more patient, or if I've already lowered my standards too much for a lost cause and should seriously give up. I'm very affectionate by nature. I want to remind my partner how much I love him every single day and how thankful I am to have him in my life maybe a few times a week at least along with compliments every now and then on top of physical affection hugs, kisses, cuddles. My partner is affectionate sometimes in small doses not too frequently, but definitely not very verbally expressive. For example, he says \"I love you\" to me once a day most days right before bed. But that is only because I basically begged him multiple times over the past few months to please give me those words of affirmation before bed. I had to use recent deaths in my family as explanations for this desire of mine before it finally got through to him. His argument has always been that he wants to save \"I love you\" for the fairytale romance sparks flying moments otherwise it loses its value. But I disagree, because those moments are rare to come by on a daily basis. I've asked him to please express to me that he misses me when he feels it, because hearing that from him can make my day. He hardly says it, and his argument is that it's already a given that he misses me so why should he feel obligated to say it when he'd rather show it by giving me his timeattention throughout the day via text when we're apart. I appreciate the conversations he maintains with me throughout our days, but I really need those reminders to feel special. When we see each other in person, he kisseshugs me for a few seconds most times. But after that, I constantly have to ask \"hey can I have some more affection right now?!\" and sometimes he gives it to me for a couple minutes longer and other times flat out rejects me by saying \"no I'm not in the mood\" or \"no let's get a move on our day\" or \"maybe later\" or something. However, I've also seen some improvements. I know he's not a big hand holder, but when we go out to the mall or something he's been really great about holding my hand which is something I really noticed and appreciated. The bottom line is that for the most part, I feel like he's not the kind of partner who will happily go out of his way, even if it means slightly inconveniencing himself, to make me happy. I also don't like constantly asking for these things, because it not only makes me feel needydesperate, but also makes him being expressiveaffectionate feel disingenuous. I feel like in his mind, I've built up a list of complaints that he has to address one by one like a daily chore. ex thinking to himself \"oh yeah I have to say I love you before bed\" instead being excited on his own to express that to me I've expressed this to him as a need, and we broke up a few months ago actually for reasons related to his mental health. But since then, he's been working on his mental health and has expressed that he wants to try and make things work and learn from his mistakes the first time around. I told him I needed him to really work towards fulfilling this emotional need of mine if we want to consider getting back together one day, and he told me he felt horrible for all the times he pushed me off of him when we were together and I wanted affection. Now, a couple months later, he's back to pushing me out again sometimes. And I know as soon as I go coldget distant, he'll start making all these heartfelt promises about being more affectionateexpressive, but with time I feel that he'll become dismissive and start taking me for granted again as he is now. It's difficult because it messes with my ability to be affectionate towards him too. I've toned down my natural level of expression of loveaffection towards him because I'm so afraid of rejectionforced words of reciprocity from him. I feel like I have to suppress this romanticaffectionate side of me to avoid disappointment. I'm really struggling. I feel myself getting more worked up and angry over small things sometimes because I don't ever feel fully secure or cherished by him. I know he means well, has a heart of gold, is the most dedicatedloyal partner, and loves me to bits and pieces. I just think his inability to express it in the way that I need him to is really hard for me. To give myself a better frame of reference, I asked my friends about what level of affection they consider to be normalhealthy in their relationships. My female friends receive so much affection from their partners hearing \"I love you\" 4x a day and my male friends give so so much affectionlove to their girlfriends too constantly complimenting them, reminding them that they are loved, etc. I felt so embarrassed hearing all this from my friends, because I think in the past few weeks my partner texted me \"I love you and I miss you\" once unexpectedly out of the blue and I felt so lucky for that. I didn't realize how sad it was that that one text made my day when I know I wantneed so much more but have convinced myself that I'd be asking for too much and I should be thankful for what I get from him. I don't think the level of affection I'm asking for comes naturally for my partner. But I don't know if I'm asking for too much. What's a healthy level of physical affectionverbal expression in your relationships realistically? Am I being high maintenance? Is it fair for me to consider this a breaking point? If I talk to him about it, I'm sure he will make a bunch of promises that he will not follow through on once time passes because that's what's happened in the past. But I feel horrible because he's improved so much on his mental health in hopes of being a more stable partner for me one day. Adviceinsight would be greatly appreciated here!","4":"potential bf doesn't want to have period sex my ex who i'm considering getting back with we've been taking it slowly just revealed that he doesn't want to have period sex if I have a heavy flow I usually have no flow or light flow bc of my birth control but I was immediately offended thinking about my flow if I get off BC or after giving birth for example. He says it's just a preference, but I see it as something incredibly selfish and hurtful towards me. Period blood is a natural bodily fluid and I feel like he needs to get over it? I told him that perspective hurt me a lot and he said he doesn't really feel like he should have to change a simple preference. I'm considering not getting back together with him over this, because this perspective is a bit of a dealbreaker for me. I want to be made to feel sexy and desirable even in my absolute worst, most \"unappealing\" state... I feel like he needs to grow up and get over the prospect of seeing blood. Am I putting too much weight on this? I really don't know and I'd appreciate input!","5":"Porn Addicted Ex Trying To Recover My ex and I broke up months ago because he is facing some mental health issues. We still speak pretty regularly. I have issues with his past and porn addictions and don't know if I can look past it. I should probably mention he really wants to get back together in the future which is why I'm struggling with this. In summary, he's been addicted to porn since he was in elementarymiddle school. We are now in our last years of college. I told him before we started dating that I could not be in a relationship with someone watching porn as it felt like cheating to me not saying it IS cheating, it just makes me feel betrayed. He proposed the idea himself of it being in appropriate in relationships before I even told him how I felt. He told me he sincerely wanted to stop, but slipped up 8x in the months we were together. He told me every single time because he felt horrible but yeah it also played a role in ruining our relationship. He didn't realize he was addicted to it until our relationship. He's been doing his best to stop since we broke up too, but is struggling to stop as his mental health declines. He hates himself for it but I try to be as supportive and encouraging as possible. It still hurts me though. I have issues with his past. He lost his virginity to me, but it's not the extent of past sexual activity that upsets me more the context that it was in. After his previous ex he was pretty messed up, and turned to cam girls a couple times. This makes me sick to my stomach, I'd rather him have hooked up with someone at a party. Also, he was on tinder and went to third base with a prostitute on there a long time ago. This also made me sick to my stomach. I'm not anti sex work, but for some reason it just doesn't sit right with me knowing my partner resorted to these avenues. He's an incredibly attractive guy so he definitely didn't have to, but he was in really low points confidence wise and didn't want anyone to know about it. It's not something he's proud of, and I'm the only person he's ever told. He resents himself for it, and I try not to hold it over him. But it still rubs me the wrong way and makes me feel sick During our relationship, he couldn't get over my past since I'd had sex with other people in my life before him and I was his first. He struggled a lot accepting it, and that had to do with his mental health as well. Luckily he's come to terms with it since we've broken up. The thing that hurt me most was during our broken up period, he was in a really bad mental health space and convinced himself he needed to do something really bad. I know this sounds ridiculous but given his mental health thoughts patterns, I'm not surprised by this thought process. So he phoned a few prostitutes he saw adverts for on porn sites and came to their houses to ask for their rates. He didn't go inside, he stayed outside. As soon as they answered he left and got in his car and cried. This happened 3x total. He didn't want to do anything with them and I believe that. It was more just the doing something bad in itself but then feeling crazy for how controlled he is by his mental health. He told me recently because he felt so guilty keeping it from me. We both cried a lot. I don't know if I'm being too harsh on him by considering not getting back together with him later down the line because of this. He feels horrible and is dedicated to working on his mental health and being free from porn addiction and wants so badly to be in a better state to come back to me. He has really twisted thoughts that manifest in horrible ways, all when his mental health is at an all time low. He really does love me and I know that, he is amazing for so many reasons. But he just has some demons and I don't know if I can look past them.","6":"suicidal ex falling out of love guilt April , marks the very first time in my life I said \"I love you\" back to him and felt myself not fully mean it. I feel guilty and horrible. I loved him so much. Everyone around me saw it, and wondered why I stayed through the pain the relationship brought on. I went to the ends of the earth for him in every way possible. Where did my love for him go? I feel it dwindling. His mental health is so horrible and is entirely the reason we had to break up. He refuses to get help. He goes down destructive pathscourses of actions. It makes me see him differently and honestly makes me want to be done with him. I feel so bad for even thinking this but it's so unattractive. The haphazard disconnected thoughts and lack of confidence and deeply rooted insecurities and overthinking over the smallest things all really repulse me. The lack of motivation and proactivity and ambition and drive turn me off more than I can explain. For so long I put him on a pedestal and looked up to him even to the point of bending over backwards changing myself to appease him but now I see him as someone broken and crippled on the ground who I look down to for not being able to pick himself back up. Every time he tells me he desperately needs me I get the ick. The delusion he lives in thinking we can be happily in love one day scares the living hell out of me. I don't have it in me to tell him any of this and shatter his desires of living to see another day. But I dread picking up his calls and I'm typing this sentence because he's calling me right now. He constantly cries, which is great for him actually! Men should be encouraged to cry and I'm so happy he lets out his feelings. But it's the perpetual sadness that almost impedes on weakness in my eyes. It's his addiction to porn and use of it as a coping mechanism that partially destroyed our relationship and makes me feel disgusted by him for still succumbing to it on a daily basis. And I am expected to soothe him like a baby until his mind calms down. After everything he's done to hurt me, and the pain I've endured, I still have no choice left but to be there for him. It's confusing looking back because the only reason I jumped into this whole thing was because he was my best friend for the longest time who I'd known to be the complete opposite of all this. He was the confident, happy, stable, driven, and secure boyfriend. But his suppressed demons came back for another showdown and it looks like the demons are winning. I didn't know what I was signing up for and now I feel trapped. I can't cut off contact because I'm so afraid he'll kill himself if I do. But having contact open keeps me on edge. And not because I want him back but because I feel solely responsible for him staying alive. It's a constant source of anxiety and fear that sucks up hours of my day when he reaches out which is everyday. I got handed the role of therapist and doctor and lifeline all at once when all I want is to be the ex girlfriend who never speaks to him again. Or at least doesn't speak to him for a very long time. I tried handing him off to his friends and family to watch over his mental health. But he keeps coming to me while pushing away everyone else trying to help. I feel horrible because I don't want to catch up or make inside jokes like he does. I don't want to have small talk. I don't get excited to tell him about my day anymore, I don't look forward to hearing about his anymore, and all I want is some peace and quiet for myself to heal. But the small talk and glimpses into our past relationship is something he seems to rely upon to keep going, meanwhile it singlehandedly makes me want to run as far away as possible. The bottom line is I can't move on. I want to be done. I don't want to move onto other people I really need a lot of time because I've truly felt traumatized by this whole experience. But I'm so afraid of the day that I decide to move on later down the road, because I know it will break him. I hope it doesn't make him more suicidal. Sometimes I fantasize about the day I meet someone else who's stable and happy and can give me the healthy love I'd like to have. And hopefully that's a day where I can finally be free from all of this. But then I feel horrible and hypocritical for even having those thoughts, because if he were to fantasize about all that, I'd be a little hurt by it I think. But how does it get better? How does it all stop? Even when I pull away ever so slightly, he loses his mind and starts freaking out. But I can't keep this up forever. I just don't know where this all comes to an end. I can't be his emotional support for life. The worst part of all this is that I have no control over my feelings fading. I can physically feel myself falling out of love. It's all so scary because for the longest time, I saw him as my whole world and the man I wanted as the father of my children. I now see him as an anchor hindering me from being present in my world. And I now see him as someone I don't trust to live a healthy life with, let alone raise a child with. I feel so fucking guilty because I wonder if he'd have these feelings if it were the other way around. Part of me thinks he'd still be able to stay in love with me if I was the suicidal one. I don't know. Maybe I'm an inherently selfish person. Maybe I'm a judgmental bitch. Or maybe I'm just past my breaking point and completely deserve to dream of a better life without his mental health bogging me down. For the first time in my life, on April , I had to almost force myself to say \"I love you\" back for his sake since he said it to me multiple times. I know I felt head over heels in love with him up until just a couple weeks ago, but I've been feeling a bit turned off and apathetic as his mental health has been plummeting. I don't wish for affection from him. I don't wish to kiss him or get intimate with him. I want to hug him at most. But is it wrong of me to say \"I love you\" back? I don't want to be disingenuous and lead him on. At the same time, this lack of romantic feelings is brand new and I don't want to tell him if I'm unsure and risk him being even more suicidal and depressed. He relies on me telling him I love him to feel safe. But I feel guilty giving him a false sense of security. What do I do if I'm sure I've fallen out of love with him? How do I break it to him without utterly shattering him? He talks about wanting to kill himself and having a plan to carry it out and how horrible he feels all the time. I really don't think I should say anything to him that could hurt him. But I feel horrible saying it when I don't think I fully mean it anymore. I feel so stuck. He always asks me if he's a burden to me and if he's overwhelming me and if this is all too much for me. I always tell him no, because I don't want to hurt him. Him asking in the first place breaks my heart because I don't want him to feel like a nuisance. I want to care for him and make sure he's not alone through this. At the end of the day, I care for him immensely and have so much love for him regardless of whether or not I feel in love with him anymore. I absolutely cannot abandon him at a time like this when he needs it most. But I also don't know where to draw the line for my own sake. I know what I deserve in a partner, and I know it's not him. I deserve someone who loves me for me. I deserve someone who accepts me for my faults and positively encourages me to learngrow, instead of constantly grilling me and criticizing me. I deserve a healthy love full of small gestures and acts of kindness. I deserve someone who respects my time by showing up on time instead of constantly being latemaking me wait hours for textsphone calls. I deserve someone who can show me off to the world without a second thought about what anyone would think. I deserve someone who'll plan dates and surprises once in a while instead of me being the only one. I deserve someone who's proud to be with me. I deserve someone who wants to introduce me to his friends. I deserve someone who doesn't cuss at me and lash out at me. I deserve someone who wants to get intimate with me consistently instead of pushing me away sometimes when I initiate. I deserve someone who's unafraid to show me mild forms of affection in front of our friends. I deserve someone who shows appreciation for the hard work and sacrifices I put in to the relationship. I deserve someone who once in a while will buy me something as small as a bouquet of flowers on a bad day. I deserve so much more than what he was able to give me and I feel guilty for saying all this. I spent our entire relationship thinking I wasn't good enough for him, but I'm starting to think he wasn't good enough for me. I know he always wanted to be, but I don't think his mental health or thoughts will ever allow it. I just don't think he's \"the one\" and I feel immense guilt for it.","7":"Agreed! And there's only so much you can do for someone who refuses help. So I just pray that he'll heal in his own way somehow","8":"Thank you","9":"Thanks for this! Yeah I mean we ended up not working out for so many other reasons but it was probably for the better because I would've ruined my life continuing to bend over backwards and make that work","10":"Thank you for this insight, and I'm so happy to learn that your husband enjoys the same level of affection as you Hope I can find that one day!","11":"Wish I realized this days ago when you said it but yeah you're absolutely right, can see it much clearer now that I'm on the other side and have had time to heal. Just unfortunate.","12":"Yeah I did feel that way with him, but as unfair as it was for me to ask him to change by giving me more, it was also unfair for him to expect me change by accepting less. But it doesn't matter anymore we're not together and haven't been for a while now so that's that","13":"Really appreciate this, thank you so much. And you were right, we were too different and unhealthy for so many reasons which would explain why I craved so much validation from him although I naturally am someone who loves word of affirmations regardless of how solid the foundation is. Here's to hoping the right match comes along","14":"Yeah you're absolutely right, praying I find the right guy now that I've opened myself up to dating again after months of grieving this relationship","15":"I'm so late to seeing this but I'm so sorry to hear and I feel everything you said here so deeply in my heart. My ex and I are no longer together. I hope you're doing okay in your situation, and are maybe feeling happier now?","16":"I'm so sorry to hear, and I completely agree with what you're saying. Fuck porn addictions","17":"Thank you, broke it on off for quite a while but going strong on a streak right now and I think this one will last because... I'm in therapy now!","18":"Thank you for your support","19":"Happy to hear this was helpful, my well wishes are with you","20":"Happy it could be of help","21":"I know I am so late on responding to this comment but yes this comment is everything","22":"Thank you for sharing, and no you're not selfish. It's just how addiction works","23":"Honestly interesting questions, but I didn't know this about him until I was already too deeply invested in the relationship and at that point it didn't feel right to walk out because of an addiction he was genuinely trying to curb. I did not enjoy being harmed. I do have insecurities like anyone, but my partner watching porn feels disrespectful to me and always will regardless of how confident I am in myself. It's just a non negotiable for me.","24":"Thank you for this advice. We ended up having relapses of cyclical behavior and he admitted he's not gone longer than days without it since we've been broken up even that was a handful of times it's usually everyday or multiple times a day when he's depressed or stressed which is really often. I've just let it go because of our other issues too, but I just hope and pray there's someone out there for me not addicted to porn because I really can't go through this again it shattered me entirely","25":"Yeah I without hesitation went through months on end of hell trying to support his mental health and addiction at the cost of my sanity and security, we ended for other reasons and you honestly suck for jumping to blame me when all I was doing was being vulnerable about an invasive insecurity... Try a little more empathy next time","26":"Yeah I rationally get that but in my head, my insecurities at least back when I posted this were louder than my logic. Easier to accept now that I've detached more and all, still makes me sick when I think about it for too long though","27":"Thank you so much for reading this and appreciating the message, really means a lot","28":"Thank you for this, it's really hard to accept but luckily been easier with time space","29":"Hope you've been doing all right, and yes definitely","30":"Thank you for sharing, and best of luck you got this!","31":"That sounds so amazing!! My therapist said she felt like this was the most realistic depiction she'd ever seen of abusive relationships and trauma on tv, so the show definitely knocked it out of the part","32":"Thank you so much for your support and words of kindness, it goes a long way","33":"Thank you for this insight! I don't think that applied in this case, since I think the boring feeling I felt on the date stemmed from a lack of attraction physically and chemistry emotionally, but that is really great insight as I move forward through the dating world. Will definitely be sure to keep an eye out for that tendency, thank you again!","34":"Thank you, that's the goal!! One day at a time","35":"Thank you so much for your kind words","36":"Yeah, exactly. It's hard, but I've been keeping strong. I blocked him two weeks ago after I saw him last. I wrote this letter out to stop myself from saying it all to him, but still to still have an outlet to get my feelings out. It very therapeutic, and I was proud of it honestly!","37":"It is definitely not because my ex's Reddit username is not yours! But if the shoe fits, I'd recommend doing some deep introspection having a heart to heart with your partner","38":"No not completely catered to, but I think I need a certain amount of love and affection in the beginning phases of a relationship and I don't think I've been getting the level I personally need. I can see him trying his best but I don't think his best will be enough to make me happy which is really a tough pill to swallow. I've lowered my expectations a lot","39":"I don't think it's fair to expect someone to be perfect so I don't know if this is the right mentality to have. However, I've had to bend a lot in other aspects of our relationship so maybe it's something to consider","40":"Thank you for sharing, maybe I'll look into taking the quiz with him to see if there's any better ways to understand each other","41":"This is my post asking for advice on how I can better understand the situation... When I want advice on how to make him happy I don't go to anyone but him directly...","42":"That may be true overall, but in my case I'm very certain that he does indeed love me immensely but just doesn't know how to show it in the ways that I need","43":"Thank you, it's a tough pill to swallow","44":"Thank you, it'll take some time but I hope to be able to do what's right for me","45":"First off, thank you for sharing! And I was thinking that too in terms of the needs being met early on on the relationship. I wouldn't expect this level of intimacy and love forever, but I kind of would expect the peak of it to be rn as we are both young in college without any real obligations to the world yet. If it just gets worse with time I don't know how I'd cope in the long run. I feel you on how you felt the loneliest when with the guy that wasn't receptive to your love languages. I feel that way too sometimes, because I feel so misunderstood and taken for granted. Single me doesn't expect me anything from anyone so I don't feel perpetually disappointed when I'm single at least. I also love the perspective you provided about physical affection while nursing, that is really interesting and good to know thank you.","46":"Sometimes two decent, good people just aren't right for each other that's the toughest pill to swallow. Thank you so much for sharing.","47":"Thank you so much for sharing I really appreciate it. I just don't know what his love language is. He is so independent in every way that I don't think he really cares too much about any of the love languages in terms of giving or receiving. He's not big on words of affirmation except sometimes, physical touch sometimes but sparingly, acts of service eh yeah no he doesn't really do that for me, giftsnotescards definitely not his thing, and quality time might be his actually but the quality time involves talking about everything anything without physical contact while my quality time includes that too but with a hand hold or a hug or something like that. I don't think I've ever met anyone like him so I'm just a bit confused because I don't really see him expressing love to me in other ways besides talkinglistening. But even the listening goes out the door for him when we're in a fight.","48":"Thank you so much. I want to hear those words so badly from my partner but I don't think I can wait around hoping for it. We are so young, these are supposed to be our more puppy dog love years. I agree that I'm not asking for too much, but I'm asking for too much from him as it doesn't come naturally for him.","49":"Thank you so much for sharing and providing these ideas! Honestly, I don't know how much I'm willing to compromise on this because it's genuinely a need I've come to realize and I've compromised in so many other aspects that I kind of want this one thing to remain a standard. So I don't know","50":"That's not true, people express love in very different ways","51":"I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Thank you for sharing. My biggest fear is ending up in a long term commitment with him like marriage and still feeling this constant unhappiness eating away at me Thank for your perspective it is truly eye opening","52":"You should look into love languages, it's not overbearing it's just a mechanism through which I prefer to express and receive love","53":"Thank you so much for sharing. It is very difficult to wrap my mind around, and I just wish there was an easy fix where he could wake up one morning and decide he loves affection and physical touch. Which is exactly what happened actually when we broke up and when he was trying to convince me to give him another chance to work on things. But all of that faded eventually. And I'm struggling because I get glimpses of it, but it's just not enough for my emotional needs unfortunately.","54":"Yeah, I don't think I'll ever be happy if he doesn't give me what I give him. I don't know if I can get used to it, it's something that eats away at me on the daily at this point.","55":"You make a fair point, but there's more context than what meets the eye on this post. I do know what kind of love he needs from me, and that's support through tough thoughts, new hobbies, new ideas, new projects, etc. through encouragement and shared excitement. He also wants a best friend as I do too, who he can talk about anything with. I meet his needs in the ways that he needs, but what he requires is very minimal and the love that I want to give him isn't love that he's as responsive too all the time affection, words of affirmation. And in the situations with my friends, the guys girls made it clear that affectionphysical touch was desired by both parties so they were fulfilling each other's needs, perhaps I could've been clearer in my explanation.","56":"I hear what you're saying, but I have no doubt in my mind that he does really love me an immense amount. I think it really comes down to his natural ability to express it in certain ways. But you're right, teaching him how to love me has been emotionally exhausting for both of us so maybe it's just not worth it","57":"Thank you for saying this. You're right, nobody can be changed to that level because it isn't fair to them. And I hear you on the points of comparison thing, but I guess I was just trying to understand if the level of love I need is really out there at our age or is just a product of fairytale romance ideation as unrealistically portrayed by the media.","58":"Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I don't feel insecure that he doesn't express it, because I don't question his love for me. But I also don't feel happy knowing he doesn't express it because I go the extra mile in so many ways to ensure his happiness and I don't feel that same way in return. And you're probably right. I don't know what point I'll be comfortable walking away without regret. I don't know if there'll ever be a day I can do that without regret that haunts me into more of my young adult life.","59":"Thank you for this advice, you're probably right it's just a lot easier said than done","60":"You're right, but I just don't know how I can walk away without regret. In hindsight with nostalgia and pain in the mix, I could see myself having lifelong regret telling myself I should've just compromised or gotten used to it. But only I know in the present how unhappy I truly feel and how it's not sustainable. I don't know if I'll have the strength to call it quits.","61":"Thank you so much for explaining this so kindly and thoughtfully. Sigh yeah, if LL was the only issue maybe I'd be willing to bend over backwards on this too. But it's just the cherry on top to a plethora of other communication gaps. I love this person but I just don't know if love is enough sometimes","62":"Thank you so much for explaining this to me in such a compassionate manner! I am a huge extrovert by nature, and he is incredibly introverted. We didn't realize how much of an impact that would have on our relationship because I always admired his comfort in being alone with his thoughts while he always admired my ability to work a room in social settings. I really appreciate your advice! Out of curiosity, to what quantity do you your spouse find these verbal expressions of love to be your healthy medium? I want to get as much feedback as possible to approximate my expectations vs reality gap","63":"I mean we were best friends for a long time and ended up dating. He initially was all over me, showering me with compliments, expressing his excitement, constantly wanting to hug hold me. Then that disappeared within a few weeks or maybe a couple months. Then we broke up, and when we hung out for the first time after weeks of being broken up, he was all over me again and promised to step up the affection he gave me if I let him in again. Slowly I let him in, and slowly those promises faded into empty words. I think his love language is telling me things he thinks are cool throughout his day. But I don't think he needs physical touch or words of affirmation or gifts or acts of service or really anything which confuses me because I want to do all of those things for him and also hope he would want to do those things for me too. It is all very confusing to me.","64":"Thank you for not making me feel needy or insecure in your response, I really appreciate it","65":"I only feel needy because I have to ask for these things from him, and they don't come to his mind naturally the way they do for me. If he was one to plan dates or plan small surprises or remind me on his own that he loves me, I'd feel so grateful and special. But it feels that I am doing all of that, and he is not doing much beyond being physically present. I really appreciate you sharing your experience, and how different they were in expression of love vs actions. I think you're right, I'll lay off on asking for anything and I hope he shows the initiative on his own. If not, then maybe I have to think about whether or not this relationship makes me more anxiousdisappointed than happy in the grand scheme","66":"See that's where I'm confused. I don't feel insecureneedy in a traditional sense where my self esteem relies upon words of affirmation from him. But I feel that gentleloving reminders from your significant other can be really healthy for a relationship because that's the kind of love I want to give to my partner too. I don't need constant expression of love from him, but I do think saying I love you a couple times a day especially at such a young age is healthynormal? Just to clarify, we don't spend that much time together. We probably see each other a couple times a week on average. I really like your idea of asking how he feels comfortable expressing his love for me. He doesn't really do anything out of his way that I'd appreciate. No giving giftsletters. No planning dates. It's usually me doing all that too but I've cut down on giftsletters because it feels very one sided unfortunately I want to clarify also that I'm not relying on him for trauma induced needs. I think when I see death around me it just reminds me to pull my loved ones closer and tell them how much they mean to me because life is truly a gift and I don't want to take it for granted. Maybe I have some abandonment issue related thoughts and responses but I'm not sure what is a normal amount of loveaffection to hope for in the first place. I really appreciate your advice though and I think I'm going to lay off on asking for or initiating anything. I just don't feel happy in the relationship when I'm not receiving the same love I give. And I'm struggling because I know he loves me but it just doesn't feel like he understands what I need to feel cherished.","67":"Oh also I forgot to mention this in the post, but we are year olds in college been togetherbroken up working on things for less than a year","68":"I don't know how much time I should wait for hoping things will get better when everyday my needs aren't met feels painful","69":"Sigh maybe","70":"I don't think me wanting words of affirmation makes me insecure by any means. Everybody has different love languages, and my top two are words of affirmation physical touch. I don't need them to survive in a relationship, but I feel very unappreciatedtaken for granted when I'm the one constantly saying doing these things when it feels like a one way street after a while. Additionally, I was not comparing my relationship for petty reasons. I was genuinely trying to gather data points to create a frame reference so that I could understand if I was asking for too much or if maybe he just isn't able to give as much expression of love as is normal.","71":"Thank you so much for your kind and understanding response, I really appreciate it!! You're absolutely right, and when I wrote that post I was up bawling late at night because it felt personal. But now after a couple days have passed and my thoughts are clear, I fully see what you're saying. Him and I had a really nice talk where I gently explained what I was feeling, and he completely understood and said he'd love to do anything it takes to make me feel loved when I'm at a low point in all other ways, and that sex is something he'd feel comfortable with if blood isn't actively heavily flowing out. I understood and we are on the same page now thankfully","72":"Thank you so much love, same to you","73":"I'm looking for constructive advice, not to be ridiculed","74":"Yeah I honestly understand both perspectives now that I've had some time to think on it more in depth, and both are valid to different degrees. I think the best thing would be for everyone to have an open discussion w their partners","75":"You are brave","76":"Hahaha agreed","77":"Thank you, I appreciate this advice a lot For now, we are both taking it very slowly and will see where it goes!","78":"Hahaha no worries!","79":"Thank you, wishing you the best too!","80":"Hmm fair point, I guess we'll just have to see what direction my gut leads me. I don't want to look back and wonder what if either when the love is there, and improvement is taking place too. Just hard to know what the result will be","81":"I'm not trying to convince him, I'm working on accepting it and not taking it personally!","82":"Yeah that makes sense, working on grasping that and not taking it personally","83":"I'm not pushing it onto him, it's just something I was struggling to accept without taking it personally at the time I posted this when emotions were running high!","84":"Thank you so much! Yes, we're taking it super slowly for that exact reason Just don't want to risk us hurting each other in any way","85":"Yes you're absolutely right, I'm trying my best to see it that way and not take it personally!","86":"I appreciate the analogies and time you took to read this post! However I don't appreciate being told my feelings are cruel and rude, especially when Edit details my rational conclusion and Edit explains the ideologies I'm trying to unlearn. I've made it clear that I'm trying my best, so please try to minimize the negativity.","87":"My point was that it's a preference I haven't really been exposed to or heard of, so it was difficult for me to not take it personally. I'm trying my best to work on understanding.","88":"Thank you so much, I appreciate it","89":"Yeah that makes a lot of sense, it's really just a preference so thank you for the analogies and the ideas for alternative options","90":"That's awesome, and I'm happy for you!","91":"Agreed, forcing him wouldn't be okay! As far as the no exes policy, I hear you. This is only time I've ever considered giving someone a second chance, because we broke up primarily because of some mental health issues on his end that he's been actively working through since we broke up. I'm not sure how it would go, I'm really hesitant bc I'm afraid of the same issues coming back up again but the love is still there so I don't know honestly","92":"Hahaha I love that! And yes shower sex could be a happy medium for heavy flow days","93":"I agree with you that true feminism is harnessed in equality! But I've been exposed to a lot of \"hyper\" \"men are trash\" feminism not true feminism in my opinion and I'm trying to unlearn a lot of that! Thank you for that recommendation, I think cuddling would be super helpful too","94":"Oh my goodness I am so sorry to hear about your negative experience I'm sure it wasn't anything personal to you though, as some people get nauseous just seeing blood!! You've understood the situation perfectly well, and I appreciate your advice so so much Thank you","95":"You're right about feeling desirable of the time, that's unrealistic. Ironically, he's been showing a lot of interest and willingness to change! I'm just scared honestly of getting back together and am constantly projecting those fears via insecurities and conjuring up more reasons why we won't work... when in reality I need to let go and trust him with my whole heart","96":"No you're absolutely right, and thank you so so much for saying all this I think my brain's just been bouncing off the walls constantly looking for something to fixate on and scapegoat... trying my best to keep myself in check","97":"I am not forcing him to have sex with me, and I didn't tell him to get over it! I want to respect his preference, and am trying to do so without taking it personally... just struggling a bit at the moment","98":"Thank you, I love this idea! He's really caring and loving towards me, and does almost anything to make me feel comfortable when I'm in pain. To be honest, I think I've just been lashing out over small things lately as a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of a reunion and don't want to risk heartbreak Definitely something I want to work on","99":"I'm looking for advice, not rude comments!","100":"When I say \"work out\" I mean be on the same page about it so that his boundaries are respected while my feelings aren't hurt. Maybe I am ginning up an issue for the sake of having an issue, but that may partially be because we have history and I'm skeptical of a reunion. I feel like I've been getting upset over small things to convince myself it won't work. I don't know if this is intuition or paranoiadefense mechanism. I'm not coercing him, I'm not telling him it's a dealbreaker. I told him it's something I want to be on the same page regarding because it's important to me, and he wants that too. It's not about sex one day a month, for me it's the concept behind it. I want to understand the root of his preference and want to see if it's rooted in a general disgust towards menstruation or just discomfort with large amounts of blood on his dick the latter making sense while the former would be an issue for me. This is not my first sexual partner, and my ex boyfriend before this one actually loved period sex. My friends boyfriends and my guy friends are also A okay with period sex. So this is indeed a new perspective for me!","101":"Good to know actually wow thank you for sharing","102":"I'm not coercing him into doing things he doesn't want to, I just expressed that I hadn't been exposed to that POV before and that it hurts a littlefeels personal. We're talking about it currently and want to work it out. But I'm just freaking out a bit honestly and wanted some outside perspective. Thank you for your suggestions to help regulate period pains though!","103":"Period blood is scientifically proven to be clean, and is harmless as long as you don't have any bloodborne diseases","104":"Thank you for your perspective!","105":"Yeah that's fair, I'll definitely think over it more","106":"Thank you so so much for this amazing input, and I appreciate your kindness positivity!!","107":"Thank you so much I really appreciate the positivity and encouragement And honestly you might be onto something. We have an extensive history obviously, but I'm not sure why I'm nitpicking every little thing. I feel like I'm constantly looking for a reason it won't work. I can't tell if this is intuition, or me just psyching myself out bc of paranoia fear of getting hurt","108":"I clearly have not given birth before and definitely did not know that until right now hahah thank you for clarifying","109":"We're not into outercourse as much but thank you for the idea!!","110":"Thank you, I don't think he owes me! It's just something that hurts a bit bc I'm not used to seeing this perspective","111":"Thank you for this perspective","112":"I didn't say anything about forcing him! And in terms of breaking up with him, there's a lot more context but this might just be a tipping point I don't know... regardless, thank you for your perspective!","113":"I'm not whining, I'm trying to get advice to broaden my perspective before speaking with him about it. I'm not trying to play the victim card here, but is a bit difficult when I see all my friends in pro period sex relationships","114":"Thank you for your perspective, maybe I am projecting onto him deep down","115":"Personally I feel that crap snot are treated differently than period blood for a reason, so I'm not sure about this analogy. But thank you for your perspective! Maybe you're right, it might not be personal after all","116":"Pee is a waste product. Period blood is scientifically proven to be safe for sex, and is a natural byproduct of the ability to birth his theoretical future children. I feel like this was a bit of an unfair comparison","117":"No worries, and fair point! Thank you for sharing haha this helps","118":"Sigh yeah, maybe that's what I'll have to do if it doesn't work out I feel like I'm skeptical and constantly looking for a reason that it won't work... maybe I need to stop searching for something wrong... or maybe it's a sign that something WILL go wrong if we try again... who knows!!","119":"Wow thank you so much for saying this, it means a lot","120":"Thank you for your perspective, I'll take it into consideration","121":"Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it","122":"It does feel a bit hurtful granted that period time is already a low point emotionallyhormonally He doesn't owe it to me, but I personally would want to be with someone who'd jump to try new things out of their comfort zone if it brought me happiness joy during a low point but idk","123":"Nowhere in the post did I mention forcing him into anything! I already feel shitty when I'm on my period and am struggling to grasp that this is another element of feeling low that I may have to accept","124":"I don't know if I'm asking for too much, I've been getting very conflicted responses","125":"Thank you for sharing, I appreciate your time","126":"Yeah of course I don't want to force him, but it's something I'm struggling to grasp unfortunately Thank you for your advice!","127":"I'm doing my best, but I have a breaking point too","128":"Yeah I checked out the subreddit and am definitely not a fan... Yes, he actually went to therapy yesterday for the first time in months! So he's working on himself and I'm very proud. I'm just struggling to accept that certain things ever happened in the first place. But maybe with time it'll smooth itself out... Or not. Who knows","129":"Oh god I'd never heard of the page but just checked it out... it seems horrendous. I have to agree with you. Just to clarify though my ex and I do have the same thoughtsfeelings towards pornthe rest of the stuff, but he is battling addiction and unhealthy coping mechanisms when he's at low points. In a level headed, mentally stable headspace he feels it's pathetic and wants to put an end to all of it porn included.","130":"Thank you! I'm trying to do that, and told him that I can't make any promises and won't hold out for him but that if he feels he is mentally stable one day, I'll see where I'm at and potentially consider it. I just reassured him that I don't hate him and that it's not a \"never\" for me but more a \"if it happens it happens\" thing As far as letting go, it's really hard... but trying my best.","131":"I'm on the same page as you I support people doing whatever they feel is best for their financial statussense of empowerment, but in a partnerspouse I wouldn't want engagement with the industry for more emotional reasons. Thank you for understanding, it means a lot","132":"No you're absolutely right but for some reason it just makes me feel sick and I can't explain it. I don't like the concept of paying for sexual acts. I think it's fine in the context of a more organic, real life interaction based hook up. A digitized andor paid experience just makes me feel weird and I don't know if I'm just making something out of nothing","133":"She's completely in the wrong. This is inappropriate in every way possible. And if she doesn't recognize she has a problem, she might be too far gone for anyone to help. You deserve a healthy love filled with empathy and compassion. This doesn't seem to be that","134":"I want to start off by saying thank you so much for the time and energy you took to not only read my lengthy post, but to respond to it thoroughly too. I started crying when I read this because of how relieving these words were to hear. Thank you I hear you, and I feel your pain. Logically, it makes sense to leave behind the people we care about if they're threatening suicide because our presence isn't really helping. But emotionally, the guilt and fear of irreversible damagesuicide actually taking place upon our departure feels like it's eating me alive. \"You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved\" a tough pill to swallow. Thank you for validating me in telling me that I'm not asking for too much, and that those are all things I deserve to have in the future. It reassures me in knowing that my standards aren't too high and that I'm not operating along the lines of high maintenance. Thank you for telling me that my thought process isn't selfish. I really needed to hear that. I really appreciate the analogy you gave regarding the break up and murder. I never thought about it that way and you're absolutely right. But at the same time, on an emotional level, if he took his own life I think I'd always feel partially responsible against all logic. And responsibilityguilt aside, it really hurts to think about him ceasing to exist and hurting himself when I know he is such an amazing individual capable of living a happyhealthy life if he gives proper care and attention to his mental health. I don't want to be attending his funeral. I want to see him succeed and live out his life as it's meant to be lived. I love that you touched on the idea of knowing that it's not my responsibility to keep him alive, but that that doesn't discount the desire to care for him and make sure he's okay. Very well balanced analysis here. Thank you for reminding me the importance of preserving my own sanity because it is really easy to lose sight of that in a situation like this. I hear what you're saying about your boyfriend not getting better especially if he refuses to accept help like my ex does. You're absolutely right in saying that people by nature don't grow when they're comfortable, but only when they're uncomfortable and have no other option. You leaving may very well be the catalyst your boyfriend needs to seek help, and I hope Godthe universe gives you the strength to do so. However, realizing this on a logical level does not at all discount the emotional difficulty associated with leaving. I understand what you're going through, and I truly hope the best for you. My ex is similar in a way I think to your boyfriend, because the couple times that I have tried to put my foot down in fully cutting out contact, he became unintentionally manipulative and guilt tripped me a bit into sticking around as his emotional safety net. I suspected my partner to have Bipolar Disorder Type II, and had stumbled across Borderline Personality Disorder as well but never dug too deep on that front. Thank you so much for sharing all this information, and for being a fantastic resource! I'll do some more research and digging on the subreddit. You seem to have a very kind heart and soul. I wish you all the best in your relationship, and I'll pray that you find the strength to do what's best for you. We got this!","135":"I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I hope you are able to sort it out Thank you so much for saying all this, it means a lot. I'm trying my best to be fully free from my ex, and am just hoping that the day I have the strength to stop being an emotional support he'll be strong enough to not hurt himself","136":"Thank you! I'm trying my best and hope I have the strength to fully pull out my emotional support without causing him to hurt himself","137":"Yeah Just don't know how much longer I can keep this up for","138":"I'm so proud of you, that's huge! I'm technically out of the situation since we're two months broken up but still not out in the sense that he emotionally relies on me and I feel too guilty to tell him to leave me alone when he's having suicidal thoughts","139":"We've been broken up for two months actually, but he's still deeply attached to the safety warmth my presence brings him I'm trying my best to slowly fade out but he clings onto me so hard that I feel guilty for even trying. Thank you for your perspective and experience, this means a lot","140":"Yes, I have been talking to him I'm just worried because he's not getting better, refuses help, and it's becoming a lot for me to endure too"}}