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a chill comes over me despite the warm air . | [
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i really am a fool . | [
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i jump as a bottle crashes on a campus path just behind me . | [
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i glance up to see the denizens of the porch also looking at the source of the sound , and freeze for a moment as nate stares right at me . | [
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fuck . | [
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i turn around , cursing myself for walking this way . | [
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i walk quickly down the street , turning right onto a path to take me into campus . | [
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`` brynn ? '' | [
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i hear him call out behind me , and the sound of footsteps coming down the steps . | [
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i pick up my pace , hoping to lose him in the darkness . | [
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i ca n't let our first meeting after breaking up be him finding me spying on his house . | [
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`` brynn ! '' | [
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i hear a woman 's voice yell behind me , and almost trip over my own feet in surprise . | [
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`` brynn ! '' | [
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she calls again , and i turn around . | [
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`` eileen , '' i say in surprise as she emerges out of the darkness , slightly out of breath . | [
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`` was ... was that you up there ? | [
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with nate ? '' | [
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she nods , a wide smile covering her face . | [
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my eyes dart over his shoulder as i see nate stop by the entrance to the path . | [
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`` i 'm down here visiting him for the weekend , '' she says happily . | [
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`` oh , oh , '' i murmur , covering my face in embarrassment . | [
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`` i 'm sorry i ran ... i thought ... i mean , from the back , i thought you and he were ... '' `` oh ! '' | [
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she exclaims . | [
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`` well , i suppose i 'm flattered ... i mean , i do put my time in at the gym . '' | [
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she steps forward and takes my hands . | [
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`` i 'm so glad to see you brynn . | [
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if you had n't gotten involved , i would n't be here with nate today . '' | [
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i try to blink back tears , but they roll down my cheeks anyway . | [
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`` i 'm so sorry for everything you 've been through-nate told me- '' `` mom ? '' | [
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nate says , stepping forward . | [
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`` mind if i talk to brynn alone for a minute ? '' | [
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`` of course ! '' | [
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she calls over her shoulder , then turns to me . | [
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`` it 's so nice to hear him call me 'mom , ' '' she says , then leans forward and whispers in my ear , `` do n't give up hope . '' | [
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i blink at her in surprise as she pulls away and walks back toward nate . | [
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they share a smile and a few murmured words before she continues back toward the crew house and nate approaches me . | [
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`` hi , '' he murmurs as he walks up to me . | [
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`` hello , '' i reply , a bit more stiffly . | [
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`` i found her number where you left it , '' he explains . | [
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`` we met several times while i was still up in maryland , but it hardly seemed like enough time , so she drove me back down here and is staying for a few days . '' | [
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he takes a deep breath . | [
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`` when you told me you loved me- '' i raise my hand to stop him . | [
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`` you do n't have to explain . | [
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you told me from the beginning that you did n't do relationships ... that you did n't lead girls on . | [
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so i should have known . | [
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i should n't have expected- '' `` brynn , please . | [
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just give me two minutes , ok ? '' | [
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i nod , shifting from foot to foot as i wish i could just run away , all the way back to my room and pull the covers over my head . | [
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anything so that i do n't have to hear all the reasons why he does n't love me . | [
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`` when you told me you loved me , '' he resumes , `` i felt empty . '' | [
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tears spring to my eyes-oof , that was worse than i thought . | [
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`` no , not like that ! '' | [
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he says , seeing my reaction . | [
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`` i mean , i felt ... inadequate . | [
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like i had nothing inside me to give back to you . | [
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here you were , so strong , and smart , and intelligent , and i felt like such a failure . '' | [
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i 'm shocked to hear his voice break . | [
101,
1045,
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1049,
7135,
2000,
2963,
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2376,
3338,
1012,
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] | [
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he clears his throat before he continues . | [
101,
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28837,
2010,
3759,
2077,
2002,
4247,
1012,
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] | [
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] |
`` i had failed you . | [
101,
1036,
1036,
1045,
2018,
3478,
2017,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
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] | [
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i felt ... | [
101,
1045,
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1012,
1012,
1012,
102
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i mean , everything my dad had ever told me was a lie ! '' | [
101,
1045,
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1010,
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he exclaims , his voice rising . | [
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2002,
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25154,
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1010,
2010,
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4803,
1012,
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] | [
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] |
`` in that moment , i do n't think i knew if i was capable of love . | [
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what my father had shown me for years was n't love , i do n't think , it was control . | [
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i felt so undeserving to be loved by you , and for me to even tell you that i loved you , it would n't mean anything , because it would be from someone who was empty . '' | [
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`` you 're not empty , '' i murmur , unable to hear him talk about himself like this even though he broke my heart . | [
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`` i 'm starting to realize that . | [
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it 's been good , seeing my mom , talking to her , hearing the truth about my past . | [
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all the things that you were trying to help me with . | [
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you were right all along . '' | [
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`` i was n't trying to be right . '' | [
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`` i know , that 's not-sorry , this is coming out all wrong . | [
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i 've been thinking about you every day , imagining us meeting up back on campus , and it 's just happened a lot quicker than i thought it would . | [
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i wanted to call you every day , but i needed to make sure i was ready . | [
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that i had done some work on myself before i tried to reach out to you . | [
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i know the kind of relationship i want to have with you , and i want to make sure i 'm ready for it . '' | [
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i blink at him , feeling confused . | [
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`` so , what are you saying ? '' | [
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`` i 'm saying that you 're not my stepsister anymore , first of all , '' he says with a small grin . | [
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`` they filed today . '' | [
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1036,
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2027,
6406,
2651,
1012,
1005,
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102
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] |
`` you talked to your dad ? '' | [
101,
1036,
1036,
2017,
5720,
2000,
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3611,
1029,
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] | [
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`` just once . | [
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1036,
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i couch-surfed with friends after you left . | [
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2044,
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2187,
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i did n't want to stay in the same house with him . '' | [
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i stare at him as a realization begins to trickle through my brain . | [
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`` it was you , was n't it ? | [
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1010,
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you got him to give my mom a settlement . '' | [
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he runs a hand through his hair . | [
101,
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3216,
1037,
2192,
2083,
2010,
2606,
1012,
102
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] |
`` well , after talking with my mom , and hearing what happened to her in their divorce , i was worried he would n't be fair in dealing with your mom either . | [
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so , i , um , told him that if he ever wanted to see me again , he 'd have to give your mom some money in the divorce . | [
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and your tuition , well , i figured after what he put you through , that you deserved it . '' | [
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`` i ca n't believe you did that . '' | [
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`` actually , i was n't sure it would work . | [
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1045,
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i mean , i was n't sure if he wanted to see me again anyway . '' | [
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`` i think , in his own twisted way , he does love you . '' | [
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`` his very twisted way . '' | [
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he steps forward and reaches for my hand , which is still entwined in my hair . | [
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he pulls it down and laces his fingers through mine . | [
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`` i ca n't promise you that i 'll know how to be in a normal relationship right away , but please , give me another chance . | [
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