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be52055 | 1 | [{"x": "i'm furiously enjoying being challenged.", "y": "why don't you admit that your girlfriend challenging your every move is getting you a little m*rder-suicidey?"}, {"x": "why don't you admit that marshall quitting his job and taking an unpaid internship is k*lling you?", "y": "it's not."}, {"x": "lily, the downside to having giant, japanese anime eyes is that they're easy to read. and yours are screaming, \"what about my trip to spain, deadbeat?\"", "y": "okay, ted, the downside to having a woman's mouth is, your feminine pout gives away your true feelings. and yours is saying, \"oh, zoey, why can't i be on top just this once?\""}, {"x": "what, don't you guys know hershel? didn't i tell you? oh, he's the new lawyer who replaced marshall at gnb. he is so awesome and funny and tall... taller than marshall... and he knows way more laws.", "y": "well, i'm glad you like your new co-worker."}, {"x": "i'm really loving my new job.", "y": "oh, and i'm loving seeing you this happy."}, {"x": "i'm so glad to hear you say that because i volunteered our apartment for a big nrdc fund-raiser tomorrow night. you're-you're cool with that, right?", "y": "baby, you have my full support."}, {"x": "ah, lily aldrin, half of the world's most perfect couple! i was thinking about that woman's mouth comment, and i have three good comebacks. one your mom didn't seem to mind it last night on her...", "y": "okay, look, ted, i need a favor. would you mind driving out to kennedy with me to pick up this famous ecologist for marshall's fund-raiser? apparently, he only speaks spanish. and you speak spanish, right? perfect. let's go."}, {"x": "you know, just because zoey and i are a different kind of couple than you and marshall doesn't make us a worse couple.", "y": "you're right. i-if you and zoey are happy, then who am i to judge? i'm so sorry."}, {"x": "oh, my god, is that how support feels? it's so warm and wonderful. oh, lily, i've been so unhappy.", "y": "but i thought you liked being challenged."}, {"x": "nobody likes being challenged! couldn't she agree with me just once, even on something little, like... like what movie to see or-or what topping to get on our pizza or... oh, i don't know, my lifelong dream of building a skyscraper in new york city?!", "y": "well, in her defense, hamburger pizza, ted? what are you, 12?"}, {"x": "um, he speaks perfect english.", "y": "yeah, i-i know."}, {"x": "then why did you ask me to come?", "y": "so you can drive him to the fund-raiser. supporting marshall this much is driving me crazy. i'm going to spain-- my flight leaves in 45 minutes. adios, muchacho."}, {"x": "w-wait, what do you mean you're going to spain?", "y": "you were right. if i hear myself say \"baby, you have my full support\" one more time, i swear i'm gonna m*rder someone!"}, {"x": "what are you gonna tell marshall, huh? and when are you coming back?", "y": "i honestly haven't thought it all the way through, and i don't intend to. all i know is that i'm a ticking time b*mb, and if i don't do something for me right away, i swear i'm gonna explode!"}, {"x": "wow, tha... that's an evocative metaphor to use for your nonthreatening, totally patriotic emotions. u.s.a.! okay, lily, i get it.", "y": "marshall's been asking a lot lately."}, {"x": "but the thing to do is-is tell him you've had enough.", "y": "i've never been good at that. and now, ever since his dad d*ed, i-i feel like it's my job to just be fine with everything. but i'm not. i'm not fine that he volunteers our apartment for a giant fund-raiser and that he's not thinking about how we're gonna pay any of our bills and that, apparently, we've given up on trying to have kids."}, {"x": "lil...", "y": "look, i'm sorry, ted, i just, i gotta do this."}, {"x": "well, we got there, and, uh, lily.. lily...", "y": "marshall, hey. sorry, i, uh, i had to park and-and grab some ice. sorry."}, {"x": "oh, thanks, babe. you would not believe how much this one has done to help throw this party, ted. i don't know how she does it. can't be easy, huh, lil?", "y": "yeah. listen, marshall, i-i need to talk to you about something."}, {"x": "no, you know what? me, too. um... i want to thank you for being so supportive of me in all this. i've been at the nrdc for less than a week, and i've already done more to be proud of than in two years at gnb. i can't believe how good it feels. but now, it's time for me to find a way to help the earth and get paid for it, because i can't put that burden entirely on you. so, starting tomorrow, i'll look for something with a paycheck. what do you think?", "y": "baby, you have my full support."}, {"x": "okay, my dad's almost here. i need everything to be as awesome as possible tonight.", "y": "that's why you brought these guys."}, {"x": "robin, no one watches the news unless it's a car chase or a nip slip. you are now a professional scotch taster. lily, jerry needs to learn that other lifestyles are just as fulfilling as monogamy, so now you and marshall are in an open marriage.", "y": "whoo-hoo!"}, {"x": "i can't have any single female friends lying around. my dad'll be all, why don't you marry robin? you guys are cute together. deep down, you know you were never happier than when you were with her. uh... no, thanks.", "y": "hey, barney... love the new identities. little thing... instead of being a naked super ninja, can i be meryl streep in the devil wears prada?"}, {"x": "lily, his wife.", "y": "well, most nights. mama don't let no ring get in the way of a good time."}, {"x": "where's where?", "y": "where's where was was, isn't it?"}, {"x": "not where. focus.", "y": "i thought focus was closed."}, {"x": "okay is not lame. lame is a gay bar.", "y": "guys, shut up."}, {"x": "oh, my god, my secret crush is here.", "y": "mila kunis?!"}, {"x": "uh, l-lily, uh, talk about your open marriage.", "y": "okay. well, after a long day of style meetings and photo sh**t and being way too mean to my assistant, i sometimes bang an underwear model."}, {"x": "i sleep around, too. just as much. a little more, even.", "y": "oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day."}, {"x": "are we having this fight again? writing plays is a real job!", "y": "i work 90 hours a week subsidizing your \"real job.\""}, {"x": "i won a tony!", "y": "i brought french cooking to america!"}, {"x": "so you really believe that if we were in an open marriage that you would do better than me?", "y": "hey, you do better than me at a lot of other things, like digesting dairy... and reaching for stuff."}, {"x": "okay, you know what? game on. if i can score five numbers before you can, then we have sex in the bathroom. but... if you can score five numbers before me, then we have sex in the bathroom.", "y": "so our usual wager. deal."}, {"x": "hey! how's the open marriage going? who was the first one to get the five numbers?", "y": "i won that race. my prize... sex in the bathroom."}, {"x": "and i won that race.", "y": "aw, sorry that secret crush didn't work out for you."}, {"x": "oh, it's okay. i guess it just wasn't meant to be.", "y": "why are you smiling?"}, {"x": "you know it.", "y": "okay. see, that's so weird to me. one second you're defending zoey, and the next, you're talking about her going down."}, {"x": "glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way. what up? dude, that's his girlfriend.", "y": "isn't it tough dating the woman that's trying to prevent your building from being built?"}, {"x": "at first, yes, but we figured out a great way to deal with it we never talk about it. and since then, we've really been enjoying each other's company.", "y": "so, every time the arcadian comes up, you guys just awkwardly change the subject?"}, {"x": "not only do you quit the job i stuck my neck out to get you, now you sabotage the project i'm in charge of? is this because i brushed lily's boob with my elbow, the other day?", "y": "that was on purpose!"}, {"x": "oh! ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!", "y": "babe, can i get you a drink?"}, {"x": "no, i'm still not... ready to put my mouth on anything yet.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "you know what? screw this. game on.", "y": "can you believe this one? wants our booth. keeps giving us the walk-by."}, {"x": "that bitch is not giving us the walk-by.", "y": "the walk-by with the stink eye."}, {"x": "mr. stinson... i had to rush down as soon as i got your results. i'm sorry, but your crabs have super-herpes.", "y": "oh, boy. look who's back."}, {"x": "look, lily, i think this girl wants our seats. should we leave... or stay here lionel richie style \"all night long\"?", "y": "excuse me waitress, i'll have a mojito! and you'll have a no-seat-ho."}, {"x": "carl! oh... this has nothing to do with us. you're totally ridiculous. don't look, baby. just don't look. come on.", "y": "this stupid feud isn't going to end until marshall and barney finally talk about their feelings, cry, and then hug it out like they do on oprah."}, {"x": "man, what are we going to do without her?", "y": "oh..."}, {"x": "wait, you know what, these guys are not going to get all mushy sober. we need to get these b*tches drunk.", "y": "yes, but the right kind of drunk. uh... we should go with something mellow. maybe red wine?"}, {"x": "if we want them to open up, i say we go straight-up gin.", "y": "oh... last time marshall got gin-drunk was at that douchey bar barney likes to go to. marshall almost got in a fight that night."}, {"x": "absolutely not. i'm not going anywhere near you and a martini.", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "every time.", "y": "i only say that because it would be so stupid if we did. so stupid..."}, {"x": "uh-huh.", "y": "oh, yeah? well... what about you and absinthe?"}, {"x": "we're a dream a baby's having. we're a dream a baby's having.", "y": "i keep telling you, that didn't happen."}, {"x": "it happened, and it changed me. how about daiquiris?", "y": "maybe. when marshall has daiquiris... he gets really into how beautiful he is."}, {"x": "hey, marsh, you know that's another mirror, right?", "y": "peppermint schnapps?"}, {"x": "no. peppermint schnapps turns barney into richard dawson.", "y": "who?"}, {"x": "okay, i'm gonna go pick up zoey, then we're off. see you sunday.", "y": "oh, wait, ted. do you have a specific reaction to any kind of alcohol?"}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "barney and marshall's feud got us banned from the bar. we lost our booth."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "we've cross-referenced every alcohol with marshall and barney's reaction. what's the right drink for this situation?"}, {"x": "well, they're not talking. they're not even looking at each other. that reminds me of those awkward sunday dinners with my mom, my dad and his mistress. families, right?", "y": "i-i guess. that... seems like a whole other thing. we need a drink that will start a fight."}, {"x": "okay, now we need to get them something that will make them emotionally vulnerable and completely, pathetically honest.", "y": "yeah, we need a drink that, that takes subtext and turns it into text. yeah."}, {"x": "wow. that got real o'clock.", "y": "yeah. we need to get them up and having fun."}, {"x": "dance, my puppets, dance!", "y": "now do you see why i'm always interfering in other people's lives?"}, {"x": "this bathroom for entire floor!", "y": "okay. final round. what simple act will get the boys to finally forgive each other?"}, {"x": "sharing a brandy. which is what i walked in on my parents doing once. brandy was my father's mistress. god, parents. right?", "y": "again, just a whole other thing, sweetie. where'd they go? oh, no. they did sh*ts."}, {"x": "ew.... i give up. you win. let's go!", "y": "be well, my friends! aw, just how we left them."}, {"x": "oh, yeah? hey! hey! do you guys have some pancakes, because i... would really like some pancakes. they're fantastic. let's be honest, i love them. but i hate this guy!", "y": "i thought they made up last night."}, {"x": "i love you. uh, no. n-not right...", "y": "carl, a round of champagne."}, {"x": "okay, what drink can fix this?", "y": "mama's done with this drama. what drink can fix the headache these clowns are giving me?"}, {"x": "right?", "y": "time is music the planets make. music the planets make..."}, {"x": "mmm. love you, too.", "y": "all right, what's the message? 'cause if it's another hypothetical yet eerily accurate drawing of my boobs..."}, {"x": "yeah, i have that, too.", "y": "damn it."}, {"x": "if you end an argument with a rhyme, it's convincing all the time.", "y": "yeah. it's why in our apartment if you're a-hopin' to score, don't leave your socks on the floor."}, {"x": "zoey's lady bits... are magic, and that's how she controls your mind. you see, every few hundred millennia, lady bits leap forward...", "y": "i know you're only just getting started, but this is already gross."}, {"x": "okay, fine. it's about the girl! i am doing this for zoey! i'm in love with her. look, i know it's early, but there is a very good chance zoey might be the mother of my children. so, in addition to doing this for john clifford larrabee, i'm also doing this for luke and leia.", "y": "wait. she's gonna let you name your kids luke and leia?"}, {"x": "and he's been doing it for years.", "y": "okay, what does barney do at gnb?"}, {"x": "okay, first of all, no ninja's getting a jump on me. i have the reflexes of a jungle...", "y": "tree?"}, {"x": "second of all, i don't care that the odds are stacked against us. i'd rather try to make this work with zoey than spend the rest of my life alone playing angry birds, which, by the way, i've shown you how to download, like, 20 times.", "y": "i've got to say, i'm with ted on this."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "i mean, yes, this is a huge, divisive issue for them. which means no matter what happens, there's gonna be a lot of resentment. probably lasting for years... infecting every single moment of the rest of their relationship. so, in conclusion, i'm with robin on this."}, {"x": "that's not bad.", "y": "just stop it! no one's buying a bar. right now we have a little problem. let's just think of a solution."}, {"x": "i guess this one's kind of cute or whatever. so... so what's the idea?", "y": "okay, first hear my demands. one, ted and barney keep their jobs. two, when you guys do finally blow up the arcadian, one of them gets to push the button."}, {"x": "fine! what's the idea?", "y": "well..."}, {"x": "you're not pressing the button! it's my button!", "y": "he's out printing out a whole new batch of r\u00e9sum\u00e9s because he misspelled the phrase \"detail-oriented.\" and when he gets back home, he is going to find his favorite soup there waiting for him."}, {"x": "oh, that's sweet, lil, but didn't you guys get food poisoning here one time?", "y": "three times. but they're really nice about it. their policy is, \"get sick, get a free gallon of soup\"."}, {"x": "lily got food poisoning from some soup. and then i ate the soup exactly three hours later. which means i can see exactly three hours into my future, and it... doesn't... look... good. i tried to be supportive.", "y": "oh, baby, can you just hold me, please?"}, {"x": "hey, babe. the g*ng says feel better.", "y": "mm. thanks. wait, you didn't tell them i had food poisoning, did you?"}, {"x": "um, i...", "y": "marshall, when it's stomach stuff, you just say \"under the weather,\" or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things."}, {"x": "according to my calculations, at 600 p.m., my body is gonna pay out like the most disgusting slot machine in the world. that gives me two hours to go do the interview and still get back in time.", "y": "oh, but, baby, what if you hit the jackpot early?"}, {"x": "lily!", "y": "yeah, i wasn't listening, either. ted really can go on about a bitch."}, {"x": "great. he could be anywhere. we're flat out of clues.", "y": "hey, wait. ted left a message. i could hear it 'cause i was in the bathroom... blowing my nose... i have the sniffles."}, {"x": "hey, lily, hope you're feeling better. marshall told us you're exploding from both ends like a busted fire hydrant.", "y": "damn it, marshall."}, {"x": "okay, we're never gonna find him.", "y": "wait, wait, wait. that's was a subway announcement in the background. i speak conductor."}, {"x": "hey, lily, hope you're feeling better. marshall told us...", "y": "got it. ted's at... oh... ted's at smith and ninth street."}, {"x": "i can't do this anymore. i'm just gonna tell him the truth.", "y": "when it's stomach stuff, you just say \"under the weather\" or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things."}, {"x": "i have food poisoning and i'm about to start volcanoing toxic sludge out of both ends!", "y": "nailed it."}, {"x": "you're right. um, excuse me. can you give this to the blonde sitting alone in there and tell her ted's really sorry? also... indirect sunlight. don't overwater. half a cup a week is more than enough. no. hi.", "y": "hey, baby, how'd it go?"}, {"x": "lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. how did we kick off 2011? my dad d*ed. and now after five months of unemployment, i just blew my dream job. the good news is, in a few seconds, i'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is for me now just losing what's inside until i'm just empty.", "y": "baby, come here."}, {"x": "lily, it's a miracle. i didn't get sick. i didn't get sick.", "y": "i know, baby. i'm pregnant."}] |