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be52055 | 1 | [{"x": "you always add too much water to oatmeal.", "y": "yes, i drown the son of a bitch."}, {"x": "you consistently miss at least one belt loop.", "y": "it's like i'm blind."}, {"x": "you're too old to ask to see the cockpit.", "y": "whoa. whoa. guys, my dad just d*ed."}, {"x": "aw, honey.", "y": "no, i'm just kidding. this is great. i really, i really missed this."}, {"x": "marshall and i have been together 15 years, and the only debate we've had about tommy boy is whether it's awesome or super awesome. that's love, bitch.", "y": "i have to quit."}, {"x": "quit gnb?! why?", "y": "i need to do better things with my life, okay? there's-there's an opening for an environmental lawyer at the national resources defense council. sure, it pays less, but i'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species..."}, {"x": "it's graduation goggles.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "the point is, you can't trust graduation goggles. they're just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles, and that's-just-a-bulky, outdated-cell-phone in-his-front-pocket goggles. that one was a bummer.", "y": "you're right. tomorrow, i'm quitting gnb."}, {"x": "and i said my name was...?", "y": "baby, i did it! i quit. and then i walked right over to the nrdc, and i took that job."}, {"x": "oh, good for you, sweetie.", "y": "yeah. it's a little less money than i was expecting. i mean, compared to what i was making at gnb, it's nothing. actually compared to anything, it's nothing. it's nothing. the paid position just got filled, so all i can do is-is volunteer right now. you're cool with that, right?"}, {"x": "we take turns! sometimes.", "y": "hey, guys. thanks. hey. i just had the best first day at the nrdc."}, {"x": "there's no hershel! i was just saying that to make you jealous! why do you insist we play these games?", "y": "barney, i'm not playing..."}, {"x": "just come back to gnb already!", "y": "i'm really loving my new job."}, {"x": "oh, and i'm loving seeing you this happy.", "y": "i'm so glad to hear you say that because i volunteered our apartment for a big nrdc fund-raiser tomorrow night. you're-you're cool with that, right?"}, {"x": "baby, you have my full support.", "y": "thanks, baby. oh. ooh, i gotta go. the invitations are ready. the party's for a bunch of environmentalists, so i found a guy downtown who makes biodegradable party invitations that can also be used as toilet paper."}, {"x": "hey, marshall, it's me. listen, i know i've been kind of a jerk about your leaving gnb. i just wanted to call and say i'm sorry. no apologies necessary. we're good. good. um, hey, any chance you might maybe... i don't know... if you're not busy, uh, want to have lunch today?", "y": "oh, buddy, i'd love to, but i can't."}, {"x": "oh, how i used to love meatball sub day. and then, the most humiliating moment of my life.", "y": "hey, buddy, i think you got a tiny little bit of marinara sauce on your tie there."}, {"x": "what is wrong with you?", "y": "hey, professor rodriguez, thank you so much for coming."}, {"x": "oh, my pleasure. i have to use the restroom. do you have some extra invitations?", "y": "right over there. enjoy. hey. hey, thanks for picking him up."}, {"x": "yeah, absolutely. um, listen, something happened at the airport. um...", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "marshall, hey. sorry, i, uh, i had to park and-and grab some ice. sorry.", "y": "oh, thanks, babe. you would not believe how much this one has done to help throw this party, ted. i don't know how she does it. can't be easy, huh, lil?"}, {"x": "yeah. listen, marshall, i-i need to talk to you about something.", "y": "no, you know what? me, too. um... i want to thank you for being so supportive of me in all this. i've been at the nrdc for less than a week, and i've already done more to be proud of than in two years at gnb. i can't believe how good it feels. but now, it's time for me to find a way to help the earth and get paid for it, because i can't put that burden entirely on you. so, starting tomorrow, i'll look for something with a paycheck. what do you think?"}, {"x": "i am so angry at my dad! guess who called me today. go on, guess.", "y": "mmm. your dad?"}, {"x": "no. that's why i brought these guys. i've made some minor improvements to your identities. uh. mm! you'll find them on these cards.", "y": "improvements?!"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "bro, we are already the four jiggity-jamminest dudes and dudettes this side of... okay, let's see the cards."}, {"x": "whoo-hoo!", "y": "gross!"}, {"x": "jerry, you remember marshall... he's a well-known writer.", "y": "playwright. we're all writers, just some of us don't know what our story is yet."}, {"x": "oh, we're not drinking here. tonight we're going big. let's see, what club should we hit first? there's club was, there's wrong...", "y": "um, those places shut down a long time ago."}, {"x": "oh, no.", "y": "oh, no shut down, too."}, {"x": "okay is lame? i thought lame was a gay bar. or is that wrong?", "y": "that's wrong. that's not wrong."}, {"x": "no, was was closed. once was shut down, it reopened as closed.", "y": "so closed is open."}, {"x": "no, shut up shut down. i can't believe i don't know the clubs anymore.", "y": "guys, just pick a club, okay?"}, {"x": "okay is lame! gay bar.", "y": "for the record, i was in there once by accident. i'm pretty sure it's pronounced lam\u00e9."}, {"x": "it's hopeless, isn't it?", "y": "wow. a lot of these girls are young enough to be our daughters."}, {"x": "uh, i don't know. it's so loud!", "y": "and so bourgeois. many of plays are about the bourgeois. and ennui. and one rock opera about... a frozen yogurt shop."}, {"x": "my goodness!", "y": "i sleep around, too. just as much. a little more, even."}, {"x": "oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day.", "y": "are we having this fight again? writing plays is a real job!"}, {"x": "i work 90 hours a week subsidizing your \"real job.\"", "y": "i won a tony!"}, {"x": "i brought french cooking to america!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i finally know what it's like to be embarrassed by my dad.", "y": "so you really believe that if we were in an open marriage that you would do better than me?"}, {"x": "so get off the field at the superdome, because you ain't no saint.", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "i, uh... oh.", "y": "hi, robin. could i have your phone number?"}, {"x": "i won that race. my prize... sex in the bathroom.", "y": "and i won that race."}, {"x": "marshall! hey, it's, uh, it's 230. if it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you'd try to get here at least before lunch.", "y": "yeah? and i'd sure love to give a rat's ass."}, {"x": "oh! mr. eriksen... you're not wearing any pants.", "y": "your move."}, {"x": "but marshall, wh... what about the environment?", "y": "screw the environment!"}, {"x": "oh, yeah. we fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office with an even cuter seal. the guy's a maniac. he's just an awful, flatulent r*cist.", "y": "sir, none of that is..."}, {"x": "yeah. having a former gnb employee on our side is huge for us. gnb is going down.", "y": "yeah, totally."}, {"x": "so, they found water on mars. what?", "y": "listen, um, i hate to go up against my two best friends, but... i really, i really need this right now. i mean, we're, we're cool, right?"}, {"x": "i mean this is really like...", "y": "barney, please..."}, {"x": "barney sent us pictures of himself. oh, god. what's he doing to that megaphone?!", "y": "oh! ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"}, {"x": "babe, can i get you a drink?", "y": "no, i'm still not... ready to put my mouth on anything yet."}, {"x": "i know.", "y": "you know what? screw this. game on."}, {"x": "a stink-eye-walk-by?! aw, hell no! i hope this drink isn't teething, 'cause it's about to get nursed.", "y": "barney! your wife just called from the hospital! it's a boy!"}, {"x": "pfff. try 283. 250 was months ago. no, no, no. no, i mean, you're totally 250, baby. no, don't.", "y": "oh, bye-bye."}, {"x": "excuse me waitress, i'll have a mojito! and you'll have a no-seat-ho.", "y": "ah, yes... the sweet, smoky taste of victory."}, {"x": "are you sure it doesn't taste like anything else?", "y": "that's it!"}, {"x": "that's what you get, you traitor!", "y": "oh, really? really?"}, {"x": "yeah. really.", "y": "really. that... what..."}, {"x": "oh, yeah? well... what about you and absinthe?", "y": "i don't know. we could have water, soda, purple stuff..."}, {"x": "do you know what i had to do to get you that job?", "y": "do you know what i had to do to will myself to show up every day?"}, {"x": "what, wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what your hair looked like?", "y": "i showed up with wet hair once! once!"}, {"x": "yeah, we need a drink that, that takes subtext and turns it into text. yeah.", "y": "see, ever since the death of my father, i have been drawn to the idea of preservation. that's why the arcadian speaks to me."}, {"x": "ever since my father walked out on my childhood, i've had serious abandonment issues. you walking out on me like that...", "y": "oh god, i didn't even think of that..."}, {"x": "it made me wonder, \"what could i have done to make him stay?\"", "y": "look, you didn't do anything wrong. it wasn't you, barney."}, {"x": "of course, beer.", "y": "i love you."}, {"x": "you have some coffee? so i can throw it in this traitor's face?", "y": "oh, yeah? hey! hey! do you guys have some pancakes, because i... would really like some pancakes. they're fantastic. let's be honest, i love them. but i hate this guy!"}, {"x": "damn it, i know what happened.", "y": "i love you."}, {"x": "all right, thank you, mr. eriksen.", "y": "i just have..."}, {"x": "we will now hear from the architect of the proposed gnb tower, ted mosby. now, uh, mr. mosby, let's just cut right to the chase. do you think the arcadian should be a landmark?...okay, it's k*lling me. what rhymes with \"beck and call?\"", "y": "wrecking ball. don't go swinging no wrecking ball."}, {"x": "ah...", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "that, no, that wasn't the arcadian being destroyed; that was gnb's hopes of destroying the arcadian.", "y": "i'm sorry, i should have been more clear."}, {"x": "yeah. the arcadian's gonna be all like...", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "all right, here's the message. \"oh, hey, guys. didn't see you there. i was too busy feelin' fine and...\" really? \"feelin' fine and gettin' some 'jine. you may have noticed the giant plate of hot wings in front of me. i know how much you love hot wings. too bad someone bribed the kitchen to take them off the menu tonight. so, if you want some, you're going to have to come back to gnb. but hurry, this offer will be gone lickety-split. do evil laugh.\" oh, um... so, what are you turds up to?", "y": "oh, we've got the big lpc meeting in two days. i have my whole presentation worked out. i just need to find a good rhyme to end on."}, {"x": "why does it need to rhyme?", "y": "if you end an argument with a rhyme, it's convincing all the time."}, {"x": "yeah. it's why in our apartment if you're a-hopin' to score, don't leave your socks on the floor.", "y": "and she hasn't since."}, {"x": "okay, okay. a couple of things. lily, how'd i do?", "y": "nailed it."}, {"x": "they're going to fire him? that sucks. he loves that job.", "y": "and he's been doing it for years."}, {"x": "no idea.", "y": "he has a lot of keys."}, {"x": "we'll end up out of a job, all thanks to some stupid, only sort of awesome lion head.", "y": "better get used to that lion head. as of tomorrow, it's gonna be there till the end of times. and all because of my sweet, sweet rhymes."}, {"x": "we should totally buy a bar!", "y": "we should absolutely totally buy a bar!"}, {"x": "it's really the only sensible idea right now.", "y": "oh, oh, and ready? it's a theme bar. it's a courtroom."}, {"x": "yes! where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.", "y": "i'll allow it!"}, {"x": "lily, it's over. the good guys lost.", "y": "i don't know, homegirl is pretty diabolical. if there is a plan that'll get us out of this, it's somewhere inside this butter churn. she'll think of it. i'm just gonna sit here... and watch it happen. and she's got it! lily, what's the plan?"}, {"x": "this is mr. buttons 2. now, after what happened to mr. buttons 1, we have to be very gentle with... marshall! don't eat the soup! oh, thank god.", "y": "this was about to be my third bowl. why shouldn't i eat the soup? why shouldn't i eat the soup?"}, {"x": "hey. everything okay?", "y": "lily got food poisoning from some soup. and then i ate the soup exactly three hours later. which means i can see exactly three hours into my future, and it... doesn't... look... good. i tried to be supportive."}, {"x": "oh, baby, can you just hold me, please?", "y": "of course, baby."}, {"x": "mm. thanks. wait, you didn't tell them i had food poisoning, did you?", "y": "um, i..."}, {"x": "marshall, when it's stomach stuff, you just say \"under the weather,\" or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things.", "y": "i know. i just said that you had the sniffles. no one is picturing anything but little red-nosed you under a blankie with some hot tea."}, {"x": "get it together, bro.", "y": "according to my calculations, at 600 p.m., my body is gonna pay out like the most disgusting slot machine in the world. that gives me two hours to go do the interview and still get back in time."}, {"x": "oh, but, baby, what if you hit the jackpot early?", "y": "don't worry. i'll be prepared."}, {"x": "i'm talking your ear off, sorry. is there anything i can do for you, sweetie?", "y": "can... i... borrow... an adult diaper?"}, {"x": "marshall. jake bloom. great to meet you.", "y": "hello, hi."}, {"x": "so, let me show you some of the gut-wrenching environmental atrocities that we were working to stop, okay? here, pop quiz. what is that?", "y": "that's a seal."}, {"x": "bingo! yes, a bloated seal corpse rotting in industrial waste.", "y": "mm-hmm."}, {"x": "now, do you know what that is?", "y": "a pile of rotting seagull carcasses covered in toxic sludge."}, {"x": "when it's stomach stuff, you just say \"under the weather\" or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things.", "y": "i have food poisoning and i'm about to start volcanoing toxic sludge out of both ends!"}, {"x": "hey, baby, how'd it go?", "y": "lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. how did we kick off 2011? my dad d*ed. and now after five months of unemployment, i just blew my dream job. the good news is, in a few seconds, i'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is for me now just losing what's inside until i'm just empty."}, {"x": "baby, come here.", "y": "i just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts."}, {"x": "ten, nine, eight...", "y": "lily, it's a miracle. i didn't get sick. i didn't get sick."}] |