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+[{"x": "yeah, i've been thinking, hmm, maybe we should call this whole thing off...", "y": "no. ted. we got her. it's, it's the craziest thing. we were searching all week and then a couple hours ago..."}, {"x": "married.", "y": "blah blah?"}, {"x": "committed.", "y": "relationship?"}, {"x": "bellevue.", "y": "natalie?"}, {"x": "ted's her least favorite person in the world.", "y": "well, she's not getting any younger."}, {"x": "ok...", "y": "we have to find ted a wife. we're being too choosey. it almost doesn't matter who it is at this point."}, {"x": "it's a phone girl!?", "y": "i know, i know... but no, then we met her and ted... she's a world-class violinist, she's a gourmet cook and she can quote every line from caddy shack."}, {"x": "hello, ted! \"and what brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape? why are you here?\"", "y": "oh but natalia, tell ted the problem."}, {"x": "she needs to get married.", "y": "federal law expressly dictates that a foreign national can't maintain residency for longer than six months without a work visa."}, {"x": "rabbit. sorry, guys, i gotta go.", "y": "why would ted order the rabbit if he's just gonna run out?"}, {"x": "as if she had to \"borrow a book\" or \"listen to old vinyl.\"", "y": "or see your new poster rap."}, {"x": "who would buy a can of chili for not eating it away?", "y": "amen, sister."}, {"x": "do you feel pretty good. it is gone. it was on both sides. i was hooked and crocheter. it's good guys. i was shameless, but i did not have money problems.", "y": "i've been hooked. lisa walker. see the scene... in 1994, st. cloud, minnesota."}, {"x": "it sounds great. but i'm seeing this guy. it has a lebaron convertible and an unlimited pass to the rink, so i would not miss it.", "y": "i understand."}, {"x": "what if we did that? you could be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework.", "y": "okay. wanna see my post of rap?"}, {"x": "whore posting!", "y": "so... lisa walker gave me false hope for months until one night i went to tell him how much i loved her. in song."}, {"x": "\"right now\" is the catch phrase of choice.", "y": "\"for now\" you draw a picture of a future where everything will be magical, but in truth, it'll never happen."}, {"x": "i think my high school boyfriend scooter, is a little to my hook.", "y": "a little? completely. the poor showed up at our wedding hope you recover."}, {"x": "it's weird when i see him at work.", "y": "wait. what?"}, {"x": "scooter works in the ikea cafeteria 'school. we talked.", "y": "we certainly do not talk about that!"}, {"x": "but if. i talked to full time. \"scooter canteen.\"", "y": "i thought you was talking about a long-awaited means of transport, carrying such poor canteen."}, {"x": "scooter canteen was still there today.", "y": "you're mounted on it? you did a tour?"}, {"x": "no!", "y": "really? in your place i would have rode this scooter all day to break it into two."}, {"x": "are you jealous?", "y": "i feel bad for scooter. it took this job just because he thinks he has a chance with you. you must ensure that he understands that it is wrong for it turns the page and gets a real work canteen. sh*t!"}, {"x": "see you tomorrow. it's tuesday tijuana.", "y": "\"for now\"? you got to the earnest scooter? you must release your scooter hook."}, {"x": "you're right. tomorrow, that's what i'll do.", "y": "why not tomorrow?"}, {"x": "largue tiffany and join the barnacle in a buffet of girls pharma. there may be loss of clothing, knees b*rned, respiratory weakness and sore abs the next day. that the world give a damn five?!", "y": "i know you're having trouble dropping scooter. i decided that you need training. and you say that the problem is his sad eyes? okay, shut up, woman. now i want you to look this mini pig and you tell him it is impossible for you to be with him one day."}, {"x": "mini pig, it is impossible that i may one day with you. for now.", "y": "go! be a man!"}, {"x": "i'm sorry, but it is just so cute. i just want to cuddle him all day. oh, yes.", "y": "you know, it's funny. i remember when you told me stuff like that."}, {"x": "i still do.", "y": "not as much. not as much."}, {"x": "it is not great? and it is in a group. thank you.", "y": "come on, lily. you must drop scooter. try it again."}, {"x": "mini pig... i do not wanna be with you. for now.", "y": "act like a man!"}, {"x": "mini pig... i do not wanna be with you. ever.", "y": "finish him!"}, {"x": "it will never be together in any sexual way again.", "y": "well done. weird thing to say to a pig."}, {"x": "i can do it alone.", "y": "so prove it. and... take me a pudding."}, {"x": "listen, scooter. there is no way we ever be together.", "y": "right now! i'm sorry but he is adorable."}, {"x": "listen. i want to be with you.", "y": "so far. hang in there. i will not be eternal."}, {"x": "i gotta go, okay? see you soon.", "y": "nice to meet you."}, {"x": "i do too.", "y": "this guy is awesome. it's funny, smart, beautiful. you have him to nab it before someone else."}, {"x": "it's been 4 months since you broke up with barney. it's time to get back on the market.", "y": "yeah, barney sees girls, it could not be happier."}, {"x": "saturday night?", "y": "it invites you to come out? say yes! say yes!"}, {"x": "robin, you okay?", "y": "i just have a cold. that's why for my voice. but great for saturday night. one can go to a restaurant grill, and you could bring a first side for my friends marshall. i gotta go. kisses."}, {"x": "but what are you doing?", "y": "you have to do, okay? a great guy like don, it's rare.and speaking of rare, first one side, do not forget. thank you."}, {"x": "serious, lily. i do not remember everything.", "y": "you knew that robin was in mourning? it looked good after the break."}, {"x": "you know her. she keeps her emotions for her. but yes, i saw her crying sometimes.", "y": "she cried? real tears? it means..."}, {"x": "box strip.", "y": "tonight is the big night. where do you take d-bag?this is a bad nickname for don. i will look better."}, {"x": "a problem?", "y": "robin canceled his hot date."}, {"x": "i will say nothing. i bet you will spend a good evening. and not, however, a great night. a great night will be spent by barney during his date with anita. a carriage ride, dinner at \"tombeur panties.\" they call it a super hot date.", "y": "ted! how could you do that?! robin has just released his period of mourning!"}, {"x": "she seemed happy after the break.", "y": "you see nothing. typical of a guy. she was obviously devastated."}, {"x": "you sing what?", "y": "a song about the number of girls that barney has typed recently."}, {"x": "i'll sing a verse.", "y": "super."}, {"x": "where is she?", "y": "i think it is the toilet."}, {"x": "why did you do that?", "y": "because i am angry against you. and against me. ted and cons. and frankly, i still am against the empire."}, {"x": "you see nothing.", "y": "typical of a guy."}, {"x": "i can not believe that robin is upset.", "y": "and hast me you vomit in your stormtrooper helmet."}, {"x": "this is an old story of married women.", "y": "how was this date?"}, {"x": "a new camera! thank you, marshall. i love it!", "y": "small bonus, i took pictures of me naked before packing. with a node."}, {"x": "there was not a knot.", "y": "on the other device."}, {"x": "and amanda...", "y": "ted, you had to bring a cheesecake, but you've brought two shopping bags and a girl who knows not. my name is marshall. welcome. ted talks."}, {"x": "i'm really happy you make me my cake.", "y": "in honor of the 32nd anniversary of lily, i expected a lot of great games, beginning with... \"lil-ial pursuit.\" who has the number 1?"}, {"x": "me.", "y": "sure. okay, this is amanda begins. you have 32 seconds to answer a ton of questions. and... here we go. lily's favorite color?"}, {"x": "well, she wears pink, so i'll say pink.", "y": "it's robin."}, {"x": "her favorite color is... leg.", "y": "i think ted whispered the word \"yellow\". it is equally untrue. this game is called... raising the cost of perfection."}, {"x": "pretty.", "y": "thank you. you wrote all that you love our queen of the day. and lilypad, you must guess who wrote what. \"from his friends to his students, lily that everyone in his life...\""}, {"x": "lily is a teacher. hence the \"students\".", "y": "\"... feel loved. she makes the best cookies oatmeal raisin-, the goonies knows by heart... \""}, {"x": "lily saw the goonies just after his parents separated. after that, she had real problems of trust.", "y": "\"and that's the strongest person i know. i can not imagine my life without her. i love you, lily."}, {"x": "come here.", "y": "too cute. lily, guess who wrote it. \"you look really nice.\""}, {"x": "lily, what's the matter?", "y": "who wants a party hat? i'm a bird! all do the bird!"}, {"x": "really? so, let us walk bitch street shuffle.", "y": "or we could continue the descent on the avenue best birthday."}, {"x": "i can vote? street bitch! street bitch!", "y": "my friends, i made a song for tonight. follow me, the chorus is this merry, merry lily-anniversary..."}, {"x": "normal if it is good guitarist.", "y": "actually, sorry, man. i had you taken to lily."}, {"x": "not the barnacle. i always look awesome mortally. not like marshall, who seems to be ingeniously death.", "y": "they are not all bad. like... this. look. i have my eyes open."}, {"x": "in the first year of college, i studied in paris, and i had not seen marshall since 2 months.", "y": "2 months. and i just started making love. i was not ready to stop for 2 months."}, {"x": "i'm so excited to go to paris.", "y": "i'm so excited to remake love."}, {"x": "ted broke. i have to sleep in your room this week.marshall will go with ted.", "y": "2 months! my balls were blue! blue!"}, {"x": "absolutely.", "y": "attention lily. it's a trap."}, {"x": "i'm starting to cry.", "y": "it puts an end to all this conversation about the b*tches.back to the birthday song! barney, your part is this \"she's cute she's cute.\""}, {"x": "here's framboise.", "y": "you must order more food?"}, {"x": "if this is so important, amanda is not in the picture. it does not spoil your birthday. give him a chance.", "y": "look. we're all friends again! now working on the harmonies. merry, merry lily-versary! merry, merry lily-versary!"}, {"x": "\"happy 42nd birthday, lori.\"", "y": "\"42nd\"? does the f*cking b*mb appeared to have 42 years? or worse, she has a mind to call lori?!"}, {"x": "no, marshall, it does not matter.", "y": "if lily is serious. get out of this stranger in my house!"}, {"x": "i'm sorry.", "y": "out!"}, {"x": "amanda refuses to return. she thinks you hate it. marshall, you have to go apologize.", "y": "you've ruined lily's birthday and you want me to apologize? at worst, you should apologize."}, {"x": "what are you talking?", "y": "you bring her girls at our parties, and it lets them believe that things are serious. after the largues when you, you know to whom they turn? me. i was the cleaning crew of your girlfriends for years."}, {"x": "we broke... again! you sit with me a little while? just sit down?", "y": "you know what? i have not slept for 36 hours. just a few minutes."}, {"x": "i just thought we had something special, you know?", "y": "me too. yeah. but you know, life goes darling."}, {"x": "i know if i'll get over it.", "y": "shut up."}, {"x": "they would be if marshall was not on it.", "y": "cheap sh*t. low blow."}, {"x": "oh? look at that one. halloween, there is 2 years old. you had not played because you wanted to disguise yourself as a penguin.", "y": "it's not that she would not, but she said that penguins are zero. penguins."}, {"x": "and then we all ate chocolate cake in my bed.", "y": "actually, it was a good evening."}, {"x": "look at that one. this is the first picture of us three.", "y": "it's true."}, {"x": "wait, we take what poses? the two cops friends?", "y": "no! why not sitcom of the 80s with two roommates who never agree?"}, {"x": "hi, marshall. ready for the film?", "y": "yeah. just one second per cons. we are writing history. we'll take our first picture of roommate."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "what are you doing, ted? and if one breaks?"}, {"x": "and if you break it?", "y": "come."}, {"x": "no, it was my birthday.", "y": "your brain is too predictable associations."}, {"x": "ted, a blonde, it's easy.", "y": "but i worked at a yogurt shop in high school. and indeed, it was... insane."}, {"x": "i hate my job.", "y": "what? you had not interviewed the mayor?"}, {"x": "ted, you've nabbed seven peanuts in a row. impressive but not enough to be published.", "y": "you have nabbed seven in a row?"}, {"x": "yeah, just the end.", "y": "you know, in fact, it was not me who should pay.because i do not really like pizza."}, {"x": "i'm not saying he loves pizza, but the last time he went, the doctor said, \"stop eating pizza. \"marshall\" why? \"doc\" to you examine. \" but seriously, we laugh because we love you.", "y": "okay, so i have no money on me... it's because... i was assaulted."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "you can pay arthur? i have the slab! how is your father, anyway?"}, {"x": "better.", "y": "that's good."}, {"x": "who? he wore a black hat and beard of the day? he said \"hands up! \"?", "y": "yes, because i was assaulted in 1947 at the corner of abbott and costello. but no. i cut through central park back from work."}, {"x": "watch out. come any closer.", "y": "it's good. it's good."}, {"x": "it was downright terrifying.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "i repeat. i will say that it happened to me to lie on compassion.", "y": "it will not work. if?"}, {"x": "not a bit.", "y": "i authorize you to do."}, {"x": "it's going to hurt someone. there is the... security.", "y": "okay, you know what? we'll all calm down. we do not need a g*n. i just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life."}, {"x": "i just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life. it's great. but i think i'll add a tear.", "y": "listen baby, i know it's scary, but look at me. i'm fine.you can put this behind us?"}, {"x": "i said, \"shipper\".", "y": "you wanna buy a g*n?"}, {"x": "no one who scares. a tiny beretta pink that goes with these cute sandals i just bought. in fact, our new credit card works.", "y": "you do not need a w*apon. all studies in the world come together to say that a home is safer with no w*apon, especially ours. you know how i ever hurt you unintentionally."}, {"x": "i have changed my mind.", "y": "now, you want to add a w*apon in this equation?"}, {"x": "i know, you're right, but every time i close my eyes, i see this guy pointing a g*n at you. and... you're my world, marshall. if something happened to you one day, i would...", "y": "i know. i know. listen, i must confess something. this att*ck did not go exactly as i said."}, {"x": "so it was indeed a black bonnet. j'l'avais said!", "y": "he wore no black cap. it is wearing nothing at all."}, {"x": "watch out. come any closer.", "y": "it's good. it's good."}, {"x": "we're sure it was a w*apon?", "y": "no, guys. i came home from work on foot. through central park, and i stopped at the zoo."}, {"x": "watch out. come any closer.", "y": "it's good. it's good."}, {"x": "what you got mugged...", "y": "for a monkey. i got mugged by a monkey."}, {"x": "you've been mugged by a monkey?", "y": "yeah, i got mugged by a monkey. i was embarrassed, so i invented another story. the important, lily, you do not need a w*apon."}, {"x": "why did not you asked the guard to recover your wallet?", "y": "because i saw that the monkey did and i wanted more after."}, {"x": "you know how they caught him, huh?", "y": "they tracked."}, {"x": "what's happening?", "y": "okay. that's what happened."}, {"x": "no, i said. this is my story. you see, the young marshall was at the zoo, eating a banana...", "y": "i ate no banana! if you tell it, do it well."}, {"x": "you're right. the banana was on the floor.", "y": "was not... was not banana banana."}, {"x": "marshall, i'm sorry, really. here's what happened.", "y": "do not sh**t. there was no banana!"}, {"x": "come on, barney. i know that marshall has not been mugged by a monkey.", "y": "this part is right. it is not unusual, right? thailand, china, costa rica, people are att*cked by monkeys all the time.they are gatherers. because of their dynamic inter-social, have a predisposition to flight, gives them a genetic advantage."}, {"x": "it would be nice to see you on tv.", "y": "can you promise me to present it so that i am not ridiculous to myself assaulted by a monkey?"}, {"x": "funny, you look like you just got two vodka and tonic in the face.", "y": "you're the lemon in your hair."}, {"x": "marshall, you never will believe. i spoke to my producer monkey aggressor and he loves!", "y": "really? cool."}, {"x": "who knows someone who has been mugged by a monkey?", "y": "nobody except the good people of thailand, china, costa rica and many other countries where the crime committed by the monkeys is a common nuisance."}, {"x": "the best is that it is possible that the story goes on national tv. guys, this story of the monkey attacker can make me famous.", "y": "me too. guys, it will not. i can not do that."}, {"x": "it's a little embarrassing. so what?", "y": "that's not it. guys... i'm not assaulted by a monkey."}, {"x": "so, you've not been mugged by a monkey?", "y": "not at all."}, {"x": "so what you're saying is that you got the monkey trapped so you give him your wallet?", "y": "no, that's not it."}, {"x": "so you got the monkey att*cked?", "y": "guys, there was no monkey! he was a man with a g*n."}, {"x": "that would be the right size.", "y": "i just invented this story that lily does not buy a w*apon. in truth, it never happened."}, {"x": "i can not believe.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you heard me. you got att*cked by a monkey. you want to go to the issuance of robin because you're afraid of being ridiculous.", "y": "i would not?"}, {"x": "if serious, this is too funny.", "y": "well, this has never happened. and i can lie to you because you are my best friends."}, {"x": "i, yes, but still.", "y": "but i can not lie on national tv."}, {"x": "you know a long time. he told the truth?", "y": "ted, do not do that..."}, {"x": "false! they like to discover that they lied. \"because a lie is just a great story that has mixed with the truth.\" barney stinson. example, that sarah gave me this!", "y": "you mean what you done to him."}, {"x": "well done! i have too much sleep last night. can you imagine that i almost buy a g*n? i'm glad you assaulted by a monkey.", "y": "you got me. i was just nervous. i got mugged by a monkey."}, {"x": "come on, ted. why he would invent something like that?", "y": "come on, ted."}, {"x": "now i want a w*apon.", "y": "the monkey is there."}, {"x": "no, ma'am. you see, we will separate him from his wife, milly. they have been together long.", "y": "the name of his companion is milly?"}, {"x": "in your own words, describe what happened.", "y": "well... i'd love to tell you what happened, robin. but... i really want to know what's under that sheet."}, {"x": "we talk about that. we speak your aggression.", "y": "people are att*cked every day in new york, robin, do we often see what's under that sheet? you can sh**t it?"}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "i have not really been att*cked by a monkey. i invented it for that lily buys a g*n."}, {"x": "you have not been att*cked by a monkey?", "y": "what are you talking, baby? of course i do."}, {"x": "great, tell it to america. five minutes.", "y": "not five minutes. i have not been att*cked by a monkey."}, {"x": "it's good. i buy a g*n.", "y": "no. i got mugged."}, {"x": "so bobo goes.", "y": "no! i have not been mugged!"}, {"x": "yes, tell us the truth.", "y": "okay! that is the truth. i go back... back to bed."}, {"x": "oh, congratulations!", "y": "we're so happy for you!"}, {"x": "best...", "y": "... marriage..."}, {"x": "i gotta go.", "y": "wait, ted. and your speech?"}, {"x": "inventing an emergency or anything. i... i... i'll get it.", "y": "ted, ted, what are you doing? it is the marriage of your mother!"}, {"x": "oh, that's fine. i'm in top form. go. we'll take a look!", "y": "hey, man, you would not possibly let someone who does not like a kind of mania old driving license?"}, {"x": "and that was fine with blair witch, and she tried to haggle on closing costs?", "y": "try not to laugh with you that, man."}, {"x": "okay, okay. i know. i have not found ms. mosby yet, but i will get it. knock on wood.", "y": "look out, man."}, {"x": "the dumbest thing that on've ever done.", "y": "okay, well. ted let alone a little, right?"}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "okay? we all did stupid stuff in our lives. for example, i remember once when i put the rocket in the bathroom and tried to put them to dry in the microwave."}, {"x": "put rockets in...", "y": "oh, my god, guys! great new game \"drunk or child? \"i was what? guess."}, {"x": "gamin.", "y": "drum roll, please. i was... drunk!"}, {"x": "hey! hey! hey!", "y": "okay! well! well, just remember that we all did stupid stuff in our lives, okay? for example, once i tried to cycle on an extension ladder to a roof of a two-story house. the only question is i was a kid or drunk? drum roll, please."}, {"x": "marshall is dead! marshall d*ed!", "y": "a kid! mom, are you? you always make a fuss about nothing."}, {"x": "hey, check the porch, huh? go. i will put a gate there.every sunday here, it'll be a huge party sausage.", "y": "hmm... sausage party?"}, {"x": "lily, listen to me. i had a plan, right? a woman, a house, children, and it turned out that the universe is really sh*t to what is the wife and children. so what is the thing i can control? the house i bought. it's not a huge mistake.", "y": "exactly. now, i currently drive the car of my brother in the opposite direction on i-94. now that was a big mistake. i was... a kid."}, {"x": "you can always have problems with any decision, but you can not let that stop you. first day in college, marshall knew he wanted to spend his life with you. and if someone was there to contradict his decision?", "y": "i know this is our second hot date but, lily aldrin, i will marry you."}, {"x": "boy, you've almost had us still.", "y": "you're always a little too far."}, {"x": "i'll see at the top if all goes well.", "y": "he said he had found a tramp?"}, {"x": "is it true? hmm. i can... listen... ted's mother. i... i should really...", "y": "again?! one too many!"}, {"x": "atrocious.", "y": "terrible."}, {"x": "twin beds? i can not sleep in separate beds. we should complain.", "y": "yeah, you're right, i'll ask for another room."}, {"x": "maid!", "y": "you can come back later? it takes a nap."}, {"x": "it's time to return the keys.", "y": "we spent 18 hours."}, {"x": "we missed the full board.", "y": "i lost 5 kg."}, {"x": "it should have separate beds.", "y": "yes, a mini fridge. and separate beds."}, {"x": "i understand. i really want it back.", "y": "humans are not made to share a bed. sex and sleep are associated, but these are two different things."}, {"x": "i know. i love you, but i want this new bed is a sanctuary of my sleep and my sleep only.", "y": "me too. and snacks, but that's all. you know what we should do? buy a third bed to make love."}, {"x": "a bed for sex. for hot sex and bestiality.", "y": "awesome. that way, each bed will have its uses."}, {"x": "right. there will be two beds for sleeping, one for sex, and i thought an ottoman for birthdays.", "y": "baby, you come to revolutionize modern marriage?"}, {"x": "me too, man. more than you, certainly. instance. super spicy. i feel bad.", "y": "you will not believe. don also has twin beds."}, {"x": "my ex and i thought it would be a good idea but they separated.", "y": "but i bet you have no special bed sex."}, {"x": "i'm worried. i do not want that divorce.", "y": "this is don. it's not us. our new way to sleep is only going to get closer. now, get out of my bed."}, {"x": "we can at least get closer?", "y": "sure. you spoke of the beds. no, i'm not."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "i love you more than anything, but you're worse than a kettle. i'm surprised that your pee breaks are not as steam."}, {"x": "you're not perfect either. between the food and ants. but... i still want to be with you.", "y": "to hit me and slam me all night? i swear, as soon as you fall asleep, it looks like it push you arms. one would think sleeping with an indian goddess."}, {"x": "we're getting closer?", "y": "you speak of beds yet?"}, {"x": "nope.", "y": "come here."}, {"x": "good night, dad.", "y": "it was good. well, you gotta go."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i'm sorry. it was great and you're great. but, i must get up early, so..."}, {"x": "you throw me like that?", "y": "you knew before you start. wait. forget your sweater. nice try."}, {"x": "not a good game but okay. five tickets well placed to robots vs. wrestlers.", "y": "robots vs. wrestlers?"}, {"x": "you know robots vs. wrestlers?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "uh... robin. i know... she lives with her boyfriend and she said not wanting to hang out with us, but it's robots vs. wrestlers. robots vs.... wrestlers!", "y": "barney is right. it is impossible to deny that."}, {"x": "do not worry about a baby on our side. it is not yet started.", "y": "absolutely. a small road."}, {"x": "a small long road.", "y": "but you can see."}, {"x": "very, very far.", "y": "but you can see the exit sign."}, {"x": "oh? i see it.", "y": "you should put yourself on track."}, {"x": "marissa heller? she looks good. face, breasts, describe. begins with the breasts.", "y": "ted! it was our first post! it is popular. it was... a golf magazine for... marissa heller. a catalog of wicker furniture, also marissa heller. and a voucher for a bird shop... addressed to marissa heller... or check it out... \"current resident.\" it's us! it has mail!"}, {"x": "an invitation to the annual spring jefferson van smoot, for saturday night... in his apartment in alberta! friends... this is the most beautiful building in manhattan! we gotta go!", "y": "it depends, on the invitation, it's about robots fighting wrestlers to rule the galaxy?"}, {"x": "we change the plan for saturday. evening marissa heller for alcohol and robots vs. wrestlers. but one of us should pretend to marissa heller.", "y": "i'm flattered but lily should."}, {"x": "that's marissa heller. she is pretty.", "y": "she has beautiful teeth. it should not need the reminder cards to go to the dentist."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. jefferson, my dear.", "y": "i'm not dressed for it."}, {"x": "smoked foie gras with mango and caramel cream?", "y": "you have nothing that resembles a mini cheeseburger?"}, {"x": "i do not think, sir.", "y": "mini pizzas? french fries? something that makes me think i'm a giant?"}, {"x": "i look, sir.", "y": "he will watch it."}, {"x": "we tried, it's been 20 minutes. we are going. where is ted?", "y": "i know how to find it. just a second... gongs, eh? stronger than we think."}, {"x": "boy, this gong is a relic of 500 years that has not been hit since ws gilbert at the premiere of the mikado in london in 1885.", "y": "it is the relic of his wife 500 years that has not been hit since ws gilbert at the premiere of the mikado in london in 1885."}, {"x": "that's the vowels.", "y": "can i talk for a second?"}, {"x": "there. a great reception.", "y": "grave. we are going. it's time for robots vs. wrestlers."}, {"x": "you know, a reading of poetry.", "y": "the best tradition of all time!"}, {"x": "you can not?", "y": "you can not?"}, {"x": "no! you can not have children! you want to raise a child in this crazy world.", "y": "the world is pretty cool right now."}, {"x": "okay, lily, i have no choice. if you have a daughter, day, no, the minute she is 18... gong!", "y": "babies."}, {"x": "okay, you can have a baby, but only under the following conditions 1-you promise to always love me more than the baby, 2-once a month, i can use to shake the baby, 3 - it may include a drop baby from the first floor and that saves me; 4-no breastfeeding in front of me. forget the five-four, get out your breasts when you want.", "y": "holy sh*t!"}, {"x": "rule number 83. if something out of the baby ends up on my costume, i can touch the breasts of lily.", "y": "dude, what's your thing with the breasts of my woman tonight?"}, {"x": "it is not i who make the rules.", "y": "do you really think about all this?"}, {"x": "i know. maybe not.", "y": "for what it's worth, i think we are ready. we love, we are financially stable, and frankly, it would change that much the way we live."}, {"x": "if being at home with a baby, tonight we have never seen a dead ringer for ted. it would make you what, if we had missed it?", "y": "i blame the boy for the rest of his life."}, {"x": "right, for his daughter's life.", "y": "you're right. no need to rush."}, {"x": "what do you say that? we agree that it makes no sense to have a child before he saw the five doubles, right?", "y": "sure, it goes without saying."}, {"x": "so when we finally see a dead ringer for barney, this is the message of the universe to tell us to do. and at that time, we'll try. deal?", "y": "deal."}, {"x": "nice! where'd you get this?", "y": "stashed a cooler behind the pulpit. beer be with you."}, {"x": "and also with you. man, this is what church has been missing. dude, you fixed church.", "y": "yeah. you're welcome, god. nervous?"}, {"x": "what? no. i'm just hoping it doesn't rain. why? do i look nervous?", "y": "look at your beer, dude. you always do that when you're nervous."}, {"x": "where is marshall anyway?", "y": "okay, i'm almost ready to leave. let's just go through the checklist. candles?"}, {"x": "check.", "y": "music to set the mood?"}, {"x": "check.", "y": "music for when we're actually doing it?"}, {"x": "hey! how'd it go? you pregnant yet?", "y": "nope!"}, {"x": "okay, so, here's what happened. i was at home, waiting for marshall.", "y": "hey! how was your day? don't answer. no time. bedroom. no, no. no time. floor. no, no time. against this wall!"}, {"x": "marshall, whoa! wait. a big package just arrived.", "y": "yeah, it did."}, {"x": "no, no. it's a real package from your dad.", "y": "well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is."}, {"x": "marshall, look!", "y": "a bassinet? oh, my... he must've made it in his wood shop. wasn't that sweet of him? lil? isn't that sweet? lily?"}, {"x": "you told your dad we're trying to have a baby?", "y": "of course i did. i tell my dad everything. my dad is my best friend."}, {"x": "ohhh", "y": "we have been looking forward to this magical, special night for two weeks now. and, sweetie, during that time, i have been... how do i put this delicately? saving all my love for you."}, {"x": "i feel you, buddy.", "y": "ah, no! don't even touch me, dude. it's been, like... it's been two weeks. i'm, like, a light breeze away from having a big problem. seriously. okay, i'm better now."}, {"x": "you're one of those? god, i swear, one in five guys...", "y": "lily! we kind of had a plan tonight, remember? candles? banjo?"}, {"x": "who else did you tell? did you tell anyone at the office?", "y": "i may have mentioned it in passing to a couple of colleagues at work. i'm sorry about that, but you know what? i got to be able to tell my dad."}, {"x": "you might want to try pickles on that sandwich.", "y": "pickles would have helped that sandwich!"}, {"x": "the man has no boundaries. and i just can't procreate under these conditions!", "y": "yeah, well, you know what? i've already told him, so the damage is done."}, {"x": "so, call him and tell him we decided not to have a baby.", "y": "okay, so you just... you want me to give my dad a stroke?"}, {"x": "only if you want to give this a stroke.", "y": "that's ridiculous. lily, there is no way that i would ever... okay, everyone needs to shut up so that i can think!"}, {"x": "i don't have to take this. but i do have to take this.", "y": "okay, so you just want me to call my dad and tell him that we're not having a baby?"}, {"x": "that's about the size of it.", "y": "okay, out of curiosity,when do we tell him about the baby?"}, {"x": "we'll tell him about the baby when there's a baby to tell him about.", "y": "so, he just gets no notice? he just walks into his boss's office, and says, \"i just had a grandson. i'm gonna be out for three months.\""}, {"x": "out for three months?", "y": "yeah. he and my mom are coming to live with us when the baby's born. we talked about this."}, {"x": "no, we didn't.", "y": "i meant, me and my dad."}, {"x": "you know what, marshall? why don't you have a baby with your dad?", "y": "oh, okay, lily.why don't you have a baby with your butt?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i can't think straight! why do you have to wear that shirt? this is not how i thought this night was going to go!"}, {"x": "that sucks. i've been there, buddy.", "y": "what are you talking about? your mother still lives in the house you grew up in."}, {"x": "same.", "y": "unsubscribe."}, {"x": "i loved pee wee basketball. well, until they kicked me off the team... i was so awesome, the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids.", "y": "that sounds plausible."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?"}, {"x": "well, she's not alone. whenever marshall was acting too hyper, his mom would suddenly decide he was \"sick\" and give him cough medicine until he passed out.", "y": "i'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. i hit 6'4\" in the fifth grade, and then i just stopped."}, {"x": "and then there's the most popular parental lie in history. santa.", "y": "yeah, but that's a good lie. like when we tell ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down."}, {"x": "i always find that reassuring.", "y": "you will meet her, buddy."}, {"x": "you think so?", "y": "yeah!"}, {"x": "santa's still a lie, and i'm not lying to our kids.", "y": "baby, it's santa. don't you want our kids going to sleep on christmas eve with their hearts full of hope, their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, knowing that downstairs kris kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?"}, {"x": "milk and lutefisk? santa doesn't get cookies in minnesota?", "y": "yeah, that's just what santa needs at 300 a.m. when he's battling a snowstorm over the rockies a sugar crash. no. santa needs protein."}, {"x": "barney! you... you've got to stop living in these fairy tales that mom told us! bob barker is not your father. sam gibbs might be, but bob barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father.", "y": "i suppose you have a problem with the easter bunny, too."}, {"x": "you're just too scared to face the truth. you're living in a dream world.", "y": "maybe we shouldn't have brought these sloppy joes."}, {"x": "god, this must be so hard for barney.", "y": "yeah, but you know what? he took a big step today..."}, {"x": "don't worry. we'll... we'll snap barney out of this when he gets back.", "y": "or, he could just let him have this one."}, {"x": "are you kidding?", "y": "guys, barney's losing his childhood home, he finally admitted bob barker's not his dad, and then he watched james meet his real father. it's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. can't we just let the guy be black for a day?"}, {"x": "i don't know. got a burger coming.", "y": "bro, i told you, if you ever need a wingman, i'm your guy."}, {"x": "hi. barney stinson.", "y": "and i'm marshall, barney's wingman."}, {"x": "there. deleted.", "y": "back already. how was flying solo? and by \"solo,\" i mean so low that you got sh*t down."}, {"x": "ted mosby, it's back on. we're gonna build your building.", "y": "this is awesome... you're designing our new headquarters. now, there will be voices that tell you a hockey rink on the roof is unfeasible. you've got to shut those voices out."}, {"x": "i do not want to work for gnb again. those guys are evil. no offense, marshall.", "y": "dude, none taken. yes, gnb is, the empire from star wars. but the death star's gonna get built either way. and don't you think the architect of the death star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume? i mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that a single b*llet fired into a particular vent would explode the whole thing."}, {"x": "for all we know, that was the contractor's fault.", "y": "but that won't happen on your watch... you know why? because you're ted mosby! and you are gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, rebel-proof building in manhattan, with clearly marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level."}, {"x": "marshall, you want anything?", "y": "no, i'm fine."}, {"x": "okay, i get that he's mad at me for turning down the job, but acting like i'm not even here?", "y": "wait, you turned down the job? when?"}, {"x": "this morning.", "y": "that's so weird. just, like, an hour ago, when we were leaving work..."}, {"x": "am i wrong or is that exactly what barney says when he's putting the moves on a girl?", "y": "exactly. i mean, it's almost like he's putting the moves on you."}, {"x": "yeah, more like the opposite. he's been ignoring me all night. barney wants me to take the job so bad he's putting the moves on me?", "y": "i hope that's his end game. actually, i don't. i like you two together."}, {"x": "i don't buy it. that's crazy, even for barney.", "y": "okay, well, think about it. we've seen his moves countless times. what does he do after he's done ignoring a girl?"}, {"x": "they totally pull focus up from that whole chin situation you got going on. to chrissy.", "y": "the backhanded compliment to lower her self-esteem... a proven winner."}, {"x": "for the last time, i don't care how big it was, it is not the same as giving birth.", "y": "no! barney's been \"putting the moves\" on ted."}, {"x": "oh, that sucks. although i like you two together.", "y": "no, he's been doing it to try to get ted to design the new gnb tower."}, {"x": "oh, everyone thinks it's so easy. give me your phone. let's delete one of yours.", "y": "okay. no problem. if you can find a number that i don't need or shouldn't have in here, be my guest, but good luck. i keep my phone tight."}, {"x": "edwin.", "y": "oh, no, not that one. that's the booker for the club that my band plays at. you know, my all-lawyer funk band... you remember... the funk, the whole funk and nothing but the funk."}, {"x": "you guys played one gig four years ago. i'm deleting it.", "y": "no, no, we're gonna... we're gonna play another gig again. probably really soon. it's just we all got super busy, and... we're not going to play another gig again, are we?"}, {"x": "see, it's hard to hit that delete button, isn't it?", "y": "well, it's just that without that number in my phone, i'm just a corporate lawyer working 60 very un-funky hours a week."}, {"x": "can you believe it? he's resorting to the oldest move in the book. the classic, \"pretend to take the offer off the table so i'll want it more.\" it's so obvious, right? as if that's going to make me be like, \"oh, god, i never should have said no.\"", "y": "it's not a move, dude. i ex*cuted the paperwork for the new architect this morning. barney wasn't lying."}, {"x": "oh, god, i never should have said no! come on, gnb didn't really hire a new architect. this is just one of barney's moves.", "y": "it's not a move, dude. the senior partners were getting impatient. i thought you didn't even want the job."}, {"x": "wow, half? ted, on behalf of goliath national bank...", "y": "okay, it's a move."}, {"x": "dude!", "y": "there is no other architect. i'm sorry, i'm sorry i lied. i was being barney's wingman, and i never get to be the wingman."}, {"x": "you're the world's worst wingman. you know what? i'm out of here.", "y": "i can do better. take me back. you son of a bitch!"}, {"x": "...before me fell for. wow, respect.", "y": "no... ted... you want to do this, okay? you're just scared of getting hurt again. but you can't let fear steal your funk. that is good. there is a song in there. excuse me."}, {"x": "how do you do that? you are like a b*mb-sniffing dog, except with poop. you are a poop-sniffing dog.", "y": "i think that's just called a dog."}, {"x": "no, you're not a real new yorker till you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.", "y": "no, you're not a real new yorker until you've k*lled a cockroach with your bare hands."}, {"x": "okay, time's up. what are we talking about?", "y": "woody allen is eating at gregor's, and robin thinks that we should go see him."}, {"x": "dude, that's, like, seven miles. you can't do that. you can't b*at the bus!", "y": "i can b*at a bus or a cab or a train!"}, {"x": "is anyone else suddenly craving green eggs and ham?", "y": "machines are overrated, and someone needs to take them down a peg."}, {"x": "you're all wrong... i got a way to get there so fast, i could b*at all of you, even if i sat down and ordered a big, juicy steak first.", "y": "how?"}, {"x": "stay sad! i'll be back!", "y": "it's gonna be positive. eriksen man are hella fertile. when uncle morris was 16, he got his girlfriend pregnant just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car. now i'm thinking my parents lied to me."}, {"x": "negative.", "y": "negative? well, we know it's not me."}, {"x": "everything's fine. these things take time.", "y": "not with an eriksen. something must be wrong with you. also, my mom hates you."}, {"x": "you know what? just to make sure, i'm gonna pee on this again.", "y": "what? no, you wouldn't. somebody help me! somebody help me!"}, {"x": "*gather round, ye children to hear the tale so sweet of a man who dared to race machines with nothing but his feet*", "y": "suck it, grand-butt!"}, {"x": "grademyteacher.net?", "y": "it's this awesome site where students can go say what they really think about their professors. hey, you're probably on there."}, {"x": "* as marshall ran with all his might and passed his friend christine *", "y": "hey, christine."}, {"x": "uses a hybrid steel tube structure...", "y": "whoa! this is crazy."}, {"x": "buddy? hey, buddy? need a hand?", "y": "the machines have won! he machines have won."}, {"x": "dude, mellow.", "y": "i can't do it. i can't run that far. i can't outrace anything. i... i can't... i can't get my wife pregnant!"}, {"x": "wait. is that what this whole stupid running thing has been about?", "y": "my body has been letting me down, and i just wanted to prove that it could still do something, but it can't."}, {"x": "dude, you've been trying for two months, not two years. that's nothing.", "y": "well, you should talk. you know, you're the one who's freaking out because you have one mediocre review and, like, 50 great ones."}, {"x": "64. but whatever.", "y": "and you're designing a frickin' building. i mean, come on, dude."}, {"x": "running him over.", "y": "no. lily, what the hell is the matter with you?"}, {"x": "nothing. i just want to win this really badly. so badly that i just ditched my best friend when she needed me.", "y": "oh, baby, you were also going to run over ted."}, {"x": "why did i get so crazy about this?", "y": "maybe for the same reason that i kept saying that i could run seven miles. i... i'm trying to be really, um, confident and positive about all this, but, baby, i'm really scared that we're not pregnant yet."}, {"x": "oh, thank god. i keep thinking there's something wrong with me.", "y": "i keep thinking there's something wrong with me."}, {"x": "it's only been two months.", "y": "we are crazy."}, {"x": "we're totally crazy.", "y": "this is the last time it's ever going to be just the two of us. shouldn't we be enjoying that?"}, {"x": "we gotta go back to paris.", "y": "and take ballroom dancing."}, {"x": "and really learn how to ski. not just up and get faced in the lodge.", "y": "and see coney island. i've still never been. see, we have a whole bucket list of things to do before we start having kids."}, {"x": "oh, a cradle list.", "y": "i'm... so glad we're trying, and i'm going to be really excited for when it happens, but this isn't a race."}, {"x": "it isn't a race.", "y": "ranjit, screw gregor's. let's go to coney island."}, {"x": "i can't design the building.", "y": "oh, yeah."}, {"x": "oh, baby. no, no. not the slipper socks with the rubber soles. i work so hard to-to set the mood, and-and when i see those, i feel the egg go right back up my fallopian tube.", "y": "baby, these satin sheets are slippery. papa needs traction."}, {"x": "traction?", "y": "as you know, papa likes to get down with enthusiasm."}, {"x": "please stop calling yourself \"papa.\"", "y": "and without traction, papa's likely to boogie himself right out of bed. it's either these or soccer cleats."}, {"x": "hey, so i talked to robin. i guess she and max hooked up last night.", "y": "nice! i love that guy. max is both his name and his level of awesomeness."}, {"x": "yeah. he's a sweet guy. she feels really comfortable with him. they bonded over hockey. i guess he has a small penis, but they want to double-date next weekend.", "y": "why would you tell me that?"}, {"x": "so you'll clear your schedule.", "y": "no! the other part!"}, {"x": "oh, the small penis thing?", "y": "ah! don't! stop saying that! why do you keep saying that? you... i don't want to know that. i'm not going to be able to look the guy in the eye. i'm certainly not going to be able to call him \"max.\""}, {"x": "that's insane. i mean, just because you know max has a small penis...", "y": "just don't!"}, {"x": "a glass of the j-jumbo jim's grape scotch sounds lovely. lots of ice. new is always better, ted! that's a rule. just like bigger is always better!", "y": "pff. that's not true. uh, sometimes smaller is better. \"hey, look how big my cell phone is!\" you don't hear people say that. no. you want something compact and efficient that fits comfortably in your pocket, and i think max is just a great guy."}, {"x": "so why is it okay for guys to talk about boobs, but the moment we bring up a topic like max's small penis... i'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened.", "y": "impossible. max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter. like a splinter-sized splinter."}, {"x": "and what did this \"zoey\" say when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved arcadian? that you, ted mosby, are the architect of destruction?", "y": "whoa! sweet wrestling name alert."}, {"x": "um, i think you got that backwards there, chief.", "y": "and you're welcome."}, {"x": "well, right now it's a pretty small practice.", "y": "hey, hey. i bet it's not that small."}, {"x": "bro, it's... pretty small.", "y": "yeah, but, uh, you know what they say. the important thing is-is how you use it, you know? \"the motion of the ocean.\" that whole thing."}, {"x": "he said it's small, marshall, and everybody's fine with that. let's just move on.", "y": "i'm just saying that i bet it's bigger than he thinks. and thick."}, {"x": "well, i know what i'm getting.oh? oh?the porterhouse. i've had it here before. it is like this. it's huge.", "y": "well, spare no expense, buddy. dinner is on me, and-and get dessert. maybe this molten chocolate lava cake? i just want you to be happy."}, {"x": "totally.", "y": "we'll just be here.you're great."}, {"x": "ah. thanks, bro. it's, uh.... it's going on a while.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "you're acting like he has six months to live.", "y": "it's your fault! you ladies and your salty sailor talk!"}, {"x": "oh, come on! what about you men and your locker room talk?", "y": "locker room talk. do you want to know what it's like in a men's locker room?"}, {"x": "are you suggesting that guys don't talk about sex?", "y": "yes, we do, but you know what we say? \"i hit that.\"\"i got some.\"\"i tapped it.\" \"i squeezed those.\" discreet and efficient."}, {"x": "not to mention classy.", "y": "thank god that i'm not dating. if i thought that lily talked in that much detail about our sex life, i'd probably k*ll myself. oh, no. what did you tell her?"}, {"x": "oh, nothing. we don't talk about you!", "y": "are you sure?"}, {"x": "uh, it looks disgusting.", "y": "uh, is this working for you?"}, {"x": "more cosmos?", "y": "i can't... i can't do this! i can't stop thinking about you and robin!"}, {"x": "oh, i've had that a couple times. just lean into it and let it fuel things.", "y": "look, no. you know what? why don't you just... why don't you just call robin, okay, and have a good laugh about it? whoa! traction could have prevented that."}, {"x": "yup. \"'you're like a greek god, i moaned, as the...\" i can't read that, baby.", "y": "\"musky scent of man.\""}, {"x": "don't knock the vodka. wouldn't have a kid without it.", "y": "stuart, you are so... that's not gonna be us, right? i mean, how hard can it be to name a baby?"}, {"x": "right? i mean, just look at her. yeah. she's clearly a...", "y": "emily."}, {"x": "lisa.", "y": "lisa?!"}, {"x": "emily?!", "y": "okay! i made a list of awesome baby names. starting at the top number one..."}, {"x": "i'm gonna stop you right here, marshall. you name a chubby white kid \"lebron,\" and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.", "y": "then i'm also crossing off, um, \"shaquille\"... mm-hmm. \"hakeem,\" and \"dikembe.\" hey, what about \"rob\"?"}, {"x": "\"rob\"? no.", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "not \"rob.\"", "y": "um, how about \"ryan\"?"}, {"x": "not \"ryan.\"", "y": "\"johnny?\""}, {"x": "not \"johnny.\" or \"gil.\"", "y": "\"jeremy.\""}, {"x": "definitely not \"jeremy.\" his stuff was so derivative.", "y": "well, i mean, geez, lily."}, {"x": "well, whatever you do, do not name your baby \"becky,\" right?", "y": "why? what?"}, {"x": "oh, honey, i really try.", "y": "our dvr won't recognize it as a television program."}, {"x": "you know, when you think about that, that phrase is really creepy.", "y": "no, it's not. it's fun. here, watch this. hey, lily... who's your daddy?"}, {"x": "okay, uh, let me get this straight. so, in, uh, in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to lily, she is now your daughter.", "y": "no, she is not my daughter. i'm just her daddy."}, {"x": "okay. here's my list of baby names.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "what about \"tara\"?", "y": "no. not \"tara.\" tara was the hottest girl in my high school. we were all, like, obsessed with her."}, {"x": "* tara, your booty is so smooth; and i hope this isn't rude; but i want to get up on it. *", "y": "not \"tara.\""}, {"x": "gentlemen, gentlemen. coming up on the main stage, give it up for esther!", "y": "oh. oh. hey, barney. that prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's 1030 in the morning. i don't need to see a lady get naked and dance."}, {"x": "oh, esther gets naked. but she doesn't dance.", "y": "then what does she do? sweet mother nature!"}, {"x": "gentlemen, gentlemen. give it up for esther!", "y": "not \"esther.\" i need a drink. ted? ted?"}, {"x": "marshall, your list is entirely boy names. you do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right?", "y": "okay, honestly, i've never thought about having a girl. i don't want to think about having a girl. tara, esther -- can you imagine being one of those girls' dads?"}, {"x": "hey, bro. thanks for making such a hottie. who's your daddy?", "y": "i don't want a girl. i just want a little boy."}, {"x": "it's not what it sounds like, folks.", "y": "hey, mom. hey, dad."}, {"x": "marshall? is that you?", "y": "oh, okay, um... you guys, you're a little too close to the camera. can you back up a bit?"}, {"x": "how's this?", "y": "every time. um, can you just sit in front of the computer like normal human beings? perfect! perfect."}, {"x": "what's up, sh**t?", "y": "um, to be honest, i'm getting a little freaked out about the idea of having a daughter. i know you two probably aren't the right people to talk to about this. you had all boys."}, {"x": "sure. you want anything, marshall?", "y": "i'm in a computer, mom."}, {"x": "yeah, all boys. total co-winky-dink. it was no co-winky-dink. since the viking age, the eriksen men have passed down ancient secrets for conceiving boys. number one, avoid lemons. they're baby girl fertilizer.", "y": "okay... no offense, dad, but i doubt there's any scientific data to support--"}, {"x": "i'm dying out here. talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies.", "y": "mm, i just need two seconds, baby."}, {"x": "i know you think that's a compliment, but i'd rather you took your time.", "y": "no, um... i'll be right back."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "let's make a baby!"}, {"x": "whoa! baby, you're packing snowballs, and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.", "y": "loving the dirty talk-- but you know what's even hotter? if we face this-a-way. ooh, we're bad."}, {"x": "wait... hey, baby, why are you facing me north? you're trying to make us have a boy.", "y": "i... can ex... how do you know about the north thing? um, um... and what are you doing with those lemons?"}, {"x": "all my least favorite students have been boys. so i googled \"how to make a girl some really weird stuff came up but finally, i found this conception web site that said you should point south at the moment of conception... eat a lemon......and heat up your lady parts to a balmy 105 degrees. ooh... ah... oh, that's not bad.", "y": "lily, how could you do... exactly the same thing i did? you're supposed to be the sane one."}, {"x": "see that? another boy expecting a woman to clean up his mistakes. that's why girls are way better than boys.", "y": "oh, really. well, then how come whenever there's a creepy kid in a horror movie it's always a little girl? or twin girls, who speak... in unison."}, {"x": "oh, well, what about chucky?", "y": "okay, a) he was a doll; b) he was possessed by an adult serial k*ller; and c) how could you bring up chucky right before bed?"}, {"x": "we looked at each other and, well, we just knew. our baby's name is... esther.", "y": "esther? that's beautiful."}, {"x": "we're idiots.", "y": "baby, names and gender, it's just, like... it's some way of giving ourselves the illusion that we have any control whatsoever. i- i just want a healthy, happy, 12-pound--"}, {"x": "whoa.", "y": "ten-pound? eight-pound?"}, {"x": "i guess, but, dude, you're writing checks my vag*na can't cash.", "y": "i love you. and i'm gonna love the crap out of whatever baby we have."}, {"x": "me, too.", "y": "you know what? we should just think of a name that's good for either a girl or a boy. like, um..."}, {"x": "hey, guys.", "y": "hey, randy. uh, you want a beer?"}, {"x": "i guess i can hang out a little longer. so, anyone going to see the halloween parade?", "y": "look at them heading home after their dirty, filthy hookups."}, {"x": "looks like that french maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.", "y": "oh, looks like pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees."}, {"x": "that's a line.", "y": "no, it's because of the..."}, {"x": "i care about high-yield offshore investments. and so does tugboat here. isn't that right, tugboat?", "y": "yeah. okay, get that camera out of my face before i flip you like a cheese omelet."}, {"x": "all you have to do is say \"i care about making dreams come true.\"", "y": "first of all, that line makes me sound like a hooker and saying it makes me feel like a hooker, so."}, {"x": "i don't want to brag, but in 29 takes, i only threw up thrice.", "y": "wait. randy, did you send the hermanson contracts downtown?"}, {"x": "i did. i sent them downtown. why are you saying it like that?", "y": "they never arrived at the downtown office."}, {"x": "they... well, just to make sure we're on the same page is \"send them downtown\" not an expression for shredding a document?", "y": "you shredded them?!"}, {"x": "yeah. i sent them downtown. you know, down into the shredder. you-you feed the paper in a downwards fashion, so that's where the expression comes from.", "y": "that's not an expression! that has never been an expression!"}, {"x": "i'll say this there is no quit in that guy. you should fire him.", "y": "okay, that, that right there. that attitude is exactly why i won't be in your video. because gnb doesn't care. they hand out pink slips like they're hors d'oevres. just last week, i was talking to arthur..."}, {"x": "uh, just want you to know, we are making good progress on this new project. oh, you gentlemen keep talking, i will answer that. marshall eriksen's office. [...] yeah, i can get that for you. [...] just a second. uh... bank. the \"b\" stands for bank. okay, mother, i'll see you tonight. oh, yikes. i'd better get mr. messy a napkin.", "y": "period."}, {"x": "oh, baby, what's wrong?", "y": "something bad happened."}, {"x": "before you get to that, regarding the earlier project i was working on... voil\u00e0!", "y": "that's the hermanson contract?"}, {"x": "the hermanson contract? oh, man, this is the filbert contract. damn it! no... anyway, what's your thing?", "y": "i need the filbert contract!"}, {"x": "well, i'll do what i can. but in my experience, twice shredded is fairly permanent.", "y": "sorry, randy, but... this just isn't working out."}, {"x": "see, marshall, if getting fired is an execution, at least the guy had a last meal. i promise you, tomorrow you'll feel a lot better.", "y": "randy, hey, what's going on?"}, {"x": "i just wanted to say no hard feelings.", "y": "thank you. so where you headed now?"}, {"x": "downtown.", "y": "no!!"}, {"x": "it's okay, baby.", "y": "arthur, i'm here because i made a mistake. i fired randy yesterday."}, {"x": "that was a mistake. you should have fired him a year ago.", "y": "no, sir, that is what's wrong with this company. how can we say \"gnb cares,\" and then turn around and treat someone like that? i mean, sure, he made a few mistakes but everybody makes mistakes. like, like tugboat here. aw. i bet you he's made some mistakes. and you didn't fire tugboat, did you?"}, {"x": "no, i got him fixed, and he calmed down.", "y": "exactly-- kind of. randy doesn't need to be fired. he needs to be fixed."}, {"x": "marshall, we do some pretty bad things around here, but i...", "y": "no, sir, i'm saying instead of getting rid of someone when they screw up, we should... we should help them. we should nurture them."}, {"x": "i'll tell you why.", "y": "this just isn't working out."}, {"x": "thanks to that severance check, this time next year, you'll all be enjoying a frothy mug of wharmpiss.", "y": "randy, great news! you're not fired!"}, {"x": "no...!", "y": "i got you your job back, randy. i thought that you'd be happy."}, {"x": "but i don't belong here. i'm born to be a brewer! a... a hopsmeister!", "y": "well, then quit. no one's stopping you."}, {"x": "i-i can't. i need my severance check.", "y": "well, i'm sorry randy, but that's called fraud."}, {"x": "it's not fraud. i'm just asking you to get me a lot of money to not work here and not tell anyone about it.", "y": "even if i wanted to fire you, after my talk with arthur..."}, {"x": "yeah. i'll bring out your eyes.", "y": "listen, randy, i'm sorry, but i broke my own moral code once and i felt evil. i will not let gnb change me. i will never fire anyone again ever."}, {"x": "no!", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "oh, are you unhappy with my performance? well, i guess i'm fired, then. i'd better turn in my i.d.", "y": "no, it's actually, um, nice having some of this clutter off my desk. so thank you, randy."}, {"x": "and there's more.", "y": "i don't know what i'm going to use this for, but it's great stuff."}, {"x": "now am i fired?", "y": "i've been meaning to clean out that file cabinet for ages."}, {"x": "i'm not even here. randy, the coffee.", "y": "oh! okay. okay. thank you, randy. i've been meaning to cut back on my caffeine."}, {"x": "here, try this, but really go for it. remember, this guy ruined your life.", "y": "that's just the pick-me-up i needed."}, {"x": "exactly. i say, marshall, my good man, how's my bow tie?", "y": "impeccable, old bean. to industry!"}, {"x": "ah, bully!", "y": "look at us, huh? in tuxedos? can you imagine if our college selves saw us like this?"}, {"x": "they'd pelt us with their phish bootlegs.", "y": "yeah, we were pretty anti-establishment back then. oh, god, remember russell?"}, {"x": "come on, guys.", "y": "oh, i'm sorry, i can't hear you with that corporate noose around your neck. and don't even try showing up to the drum circle this weekend."}, {"x": "hey, we're still those people. one of these days, marshall's going to quit his job and go to work for the nrdc, and save the world, right, baby?", "y": "absotively. but let's just remember, i mean, nobody's the same as they were in college. you know, it's like, i wear a suit to work every day."}, {"x": "wow, that's pretty cool. when i was a kid, i knocked down the blue whale.", "y": "okay, the giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling?"}, {"x": "but you can, and should, call me the captain.", "y": "the captain?"}, {"x": "ahoy.", "y": "ahoy, the captain."}, {"x": "please, enjoy yourselves, have fun, but don't touch anything.", "y": "thank you, the captain."}, {"x": "wow. \"the future of goliath national bank\"?", "y": "i know, it's so, uh... you know, i totally forgot to tell you, but, um, the other day, arthur offered me a five-year contract."}, {"x": "so whatever you do, don't tell him here tonight, 'cause...", "y": "i think i'm going to say yes."}, {"x": "what do you mean, you're going to say yes?", "y": "i-i want to keep working at gnb."}, {"x": "but a five-year contract. i thought you hated gnb.", "y": "look, i don't hate all of it. tonight's fun. take a look around. i mean, this is pretty high-class."}, {"x": "wieners.", "y": "that was a great dream. but we have a mortgage, and we're trying to have kids. we're grown-ups now, lily."}, {"x": "what would college you say if he heard what you were saying right now?", "y": "honestly? probably something pretentious, and pseudo-intellectual, like..."}, {"x": "boogers.", "y": "we all change, lily. you know, you don't spell \"women\" with a \"y\" anymore. and i'm okay with that. and you need to be okay with the fact that i may never become an environmental lawyer."}, {"x": "so how long have you felt this way?", "y": "honestly? since my first day at gnb."}, {"x": "you've known about this for two and a half years? so every time you've talked about wanting to be an environmental lawyer since then, that was a lie.", "y": "technically, i never lied. you asked me questions, and i responded with made-up words."}, {"x": "so, you'll probably quit gnb in a couple years, right?", "y": "affirmatootly."}, {"x": "and become an environmental lawyer?", "y": "yepskerdoodles."}, {"x": "hey, by the way, do you like this scarf?", "y": "posititochadochmecochepopocha."}, {"x": "okay, that's also a made-up word.", "y": "okay. lily, what do you want from me? i want you to be the person i fell in love with."}, {"x": "look at this crib.", "y": "oh, you're wearing a flower."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "ah, didn't compliment. just observed."}, {"x": "and nope. i'm sorry, barney, but no girl is going home with a guy with a flower on his chest. unless he's a clown, and she's in the trunk of his car.", "y": "along with 50 other clowns. it's a clown car. oh."}, {"x": "i cannot wait to see what's on this dvd!", "y": "oh, you haven't watched it yet?"}, {"x": "no, of course not. i wanted my first time to be with someone i cared about.", "y": "sweet! i get that a lot. well, once."}, {"x": "oh, two average canadian teenagers who solve crimes in space using math.", "y": "that sounds ridiculous."}, {"x": "okay, guys, come on. it's a kids' show! like electric company or sesame street or, um...", "y": "you can't do that on television."}, {"x": "exactly.", "y": "no. you can't do that on television!"}, {"x": "it's just bad camera work, okay? wayne, our camera guy... he wasn't that great.", "y": "i don't know. i think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand."}, {"x": "but bffs are forever.", "y": "oh, come on, lily. nobody stays friends with their high school friends."}, {"x": "i'm still friends with punchy.", "y": "dude, he lives in cleveland. you see him once a year, at which point, he punches you really hard in the arm and tells everyone how you dookied your pants. i know, on paper he sounds great, but you guys aren't really friends."}, {"x": "which means jessica got pregnant five years ago. right around the time she and robin stopped being friends.", "y": "of course. robin hates kids."}, {"x": "thus, if i may... when glitter's womb a fruit did bear, robin said, \"to hell with this, i'm outta hare. glitter got pregnant, so robin dumped her.", "y": "that's got to be it, right, lil? lil?"}, {"x": "robin's gonna dump me!", "y": "oh, sweetheart."}, {"x": "when a second uterus plumped becomes...", "y": "dude. feel the room."}, {"x": "guys, did you see that? she's going to a korean massage without me. that's our thing. i'm telling you, she's gonna dump me, just like she dumped glitter.", "y": "lily, come on. we don't even know that's what happened."}, {"x": "um, hello, somebody already solved that crime using math, remember?", "y": "look, lily. robin is clearly getting tired of you constantly talking about babies."}, {"x": "i don't.", "y": "lily, how old am i?"}, {"x": "busted!", "y": "okay. so before you lily all over the place, maybe you should try hanging out with robin and not talking about babies."}, {"x": "great.", "y": "for crying out loud. you broke up with robin?"}, {"x": "i had to. we were growing apart, and we're better off without each other.", "y": "okay, lily, you sound about as convincing as you did the time you \"accidentally\" shredded my joey buttafuoco pants."}, {"x": "no!", "y": "get on the phone, call robin and fix this."}, {"x": "i can't. the damage is done. can you just hold me?", "y": "you know what? no. i don't agree with what you did, and so i refuse to comfort you, despite how adorable you are when you cry."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "okay. maybe just one cuddle, but then that is it."}, {"x": "what are we doing in madison square garden?", "y": "okay, you refused to talk to robin. so i thought that you might like to talk to... the organist for the new york rangers. jessica glitter?!"}, {"x": "how did you find glitter?", "y": "simple, really. i used my powers of deduction. you see, i knew glitter used to be a keytarist, which is basically a piano, so i just made a list of all the keyboard-based occupations and then i cross-matched them..."}, {"x": "his friend barney looked me up, hoping to buy my space teens costume.", "y": "yo, glitter... be cool."}, {"x": "because i had a baby. honey, when you have a baby, all that best friend stuff-- hockey, bow hunting for caribou, math...that all goes out the window. i mean, i tried to stay friends with her, but it just didn't happen. she took it pretty hard. i even thought she might try to k*ll herself.", "y": "charge!"}, {"x": "what? no! you can't go now. it's the night before thanksgiving. college chicks are back in town. their moms just made a snide comment about the weight they gained. they called her a bitch, but deep down, they know she's right. and they're about to walk through that door, where we will be waiting with some light beer and some rock hard approval. wh-what u-up?", "y": "yeah. you don't want to bail early, man. you could become the blitz."}, {"x": "wh... you sure? we got big plans.", "y": "yeah. remember how last week we fired up a sandwich, and we listened to pink floyd's dark side of the moon while watching the wizard of oz?"}, {"x": "well, tonight, we're doing the same thing, only with \"weird al\" yankovic's greatest hits and apocalypse now.", "y": "we'll see what happens."}, {"x": "completely naked!", "y": "completely naked!"}, {"x": "aw, man!", "y": "and the movie was awesome."}, {"x": "free beer for everyone!", "y": "free beer for everyone!"}, {"x": "aw, man!", "y": "you know what? ted, go ahead-- leave early to do something lame. just don't blame us if you become... the blitz."}, {"x": "and then i'm just going to leave her there... buck-naked, covered in candle wax, tied to the bed.", "y": "barney, i know that ted doesn't like that girl, but that's a little extreme."}, {"x": "okay, marshall. truth or dare?", "y": "okay, awesome. well, lily doesn't let me do truths. so, dare."}, {"x": "okay. i dare you to send a picture of your junk to a complete stranger.", "y": "best idea ever!"}, {"x": "i'm not the blitz!", "y": "i'm afraid you are, ted. you see, when you left last night, you changed the course of blitztory."}, {"x": "ted, you violated a dead turkey with another dead turkey. don't let that be in vain.", "y": "guys? wait a minute. where's barney?"}, {"x": "no. i c... because... step on it.", "y": "you missed it."}, {"x": "oh, god, no!", "y": "life moves pretty fast, barney. if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."}, {"x": "okay, the turturkeykey is officially cooking.", "y": "oh, god, that is disgusting!"}, {"x": "okay, guys, that's starting to hurt.", "y": "no... no, ted. random number guy just sent me his wang back."}, {"x": "you missed it!", "y": "dude, you walked out of the room, the laws of physics stopped and the laws of awesome tripled."}, {"x": "no! y-you... robin, robin. i will pay you to be the blitz. $100! no-- $10,000. no-- 60 bucks. that's a lot of money for someone like you.", "y": "dude, the blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold."}, {"x": "what? no. shut up. i hate him.", "y": "oh, look. we got an answer. here it is. \"yes, enemies can become friends. \"remember what gandhi said. 'be the change you want to see in the world.'\""}, {"x": "boys! great to see you! looking smart. have a wonderful time tonight, okay?", "y": "okay. that man is terrifying."}, {"x": "keep smiling. he can still see us.", "y": "i figured it out! i know what's so creepy about the captain."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "yeah. i snapped this photo of him last time he dropped off zoey.observe. the bottom half of his face... is smiling. he seems happy. seems like a nice guy. but the top half of his face...wants to m*rder you! cheerful. wants to m*rder you. no. cheerful. wants to m*rder you. now, hold on. let me ask him a question. captain, what do you think of ice cream? oh, he loves it!"}, {"x": "captain, what do you think of rainy days?", "y": "whoa, he hates them."}, {"x": "i don't get it.", "y": "he hates that he loves them."}, {"x": "sorry, i'm, uh, i... i- i don't know, washing my hair.", "y": "running the water."}, {"x": "rule number one don't go anywhere that has candles.", "y": "excuse me, captain, how do you feel about ted and zoey having an intimate chat by candlelight? it'll be the last dinner they ever have."}, {"x": "lubricant is public property.", "y": "please."}, {"x": "why would anyone lie? look, zoey and i are just friends. if there was anything more than that, i wouldn't hang out with her.", "y": "lily's right, ted. once you're married, it's very hard to be friends with a single person of the opposite sex."}, {"x": "yeah. unless you're old friends, which is why i can hang out with marshall whenever i want. right, marsh madness?", "y": "no doubt, robo cop."}, {"x": "you two never hang out alone. you just made up those nicknames right now.", "y": "i guess it's true. you and i never really hang out alone."}, {"x": "it's not okay! i didn't really think it was okay! pur-leez! you lie to your husband all the time. \"uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you\"\"i love your mom\"\"i never fantasize about barney when we're doing it\"\" sound familiar, pinocchio?", "y": "what's wrong with this shirt?"}, {"x": "december chill... so great.", "y": "totally."}, {"x": "yeah. nail-biter.", "y": "you know what's fun? is cold weather sports."}, {"x": "man, this is awkward.", "y": "she's giving me nothing! he's just staring at me! she's just staring at me! it's making me nervous. great, now my left eye is twitching."}, {"x": "can i get you two some drinks?", "y": "lots of drinks."}, {"x": "you know, i had this really boring poetry class in college.", "y": "you were just thinking that this dinner is really boring. that's what made you think of your boring class in college."}, {"x": "what?! what? no! no! no, no, no. marshall, no. no. i... i just saw that board of specials, and i thought, you know what sucks? being bored. which i am not. so that clears that... right up.", "y": "robin, i'm an attorney."}, {"x": "fine. this night's a little awkward.", "y": "i guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together."}, {"x": "why is that?", "y": "it's 'cause of the mermaid theory."}, {"x": "so, who's the eye broccoli?", "y": "okay, that's iris, my new assistant. and yes, she's a little plain, but i'm married, so that's good."}, {"x": "mark my words, marshall. someday you will find iris so excruciatingly attractive, you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs.", "y": "i don't think that's gonna be a problem."}, {"x": "marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be?", "y": "i'm sorry. myth?"}, {"x": "it was 300 years ago. sailors stuck at sea would get desperate for female companionship. it got so bad that, eventually, the manatees out in the water started to look like... beautiful women. mermaids. let's go get some tail! oh. you see, every woman, no matter how initially repugnant, has a mermaid clock... the time it takes for you to realize you want to bone her. sure, today you see iris as a manatee. but she ain't gonna stay that way. marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right now.", "y": "and it took one year, three months, and 16 days, but eventually..."}, {"x": "d'oh! told you. the mermaid theory. it's a thing. you owe me 500 bucks.", "y": "did we bet on this?"}, {"x": "and that's why we never hang out alone? yes.", "y": "as lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet o's allowed to turn into a mermaid."}, {"x": "wait, does that mean that i'm a manatee right now?", "y": "big-time manatee."}, {"x": "what were those sailors thinking?", "y": "huh. i don't know. being out at sea can do crazy things to a man."}, {"x": "you're afraid that if you spend too much time alone with me, i'll turn into a mermaid?", "y": "yes. i mean, sure, right now, you're bald and leathery ancovered in a thick layer of blubber..."}, {"x": "am i blushing or...?", "y": "...but at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you into a foxy fish-babe singin' \"part of your world\" to my pants."}, {"x": "okay, even if that happens, is there any way to un-mermaid me?", "y": "i asked barney the same thing."}, {"x": "once mermaid-ified, there's only one way a woman can go back to being unattractive again, but it's pretty gruesome.", "y": "death?"}, {"x": "pregnancy?", "y": "mm-hmm. once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. never thought i'd say that sentence."}, {"x": "you know, once we stopped trying to have a conversation and just focused on the drinking... i had fun.", "y": "yeah, me, too."}, {"x": "uh-oh. i don't feel so good. oh, my god! oh, my god, i am, i am so sorry! oh! you must think i'm totally disgusting.", "y": "i really do."}, {"x": "is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?", "y": "hey, can i ask you a question that's plagued me for years? can girls aim?"}, {"x": "um, can boys aim? 'cause it seems to me like i'm taking a mop to that bathroom floor every two days.", "y": "okay, you're the one who put the far side calendar up over the toilet. you know i laugh with my whole body."}, {"x": "it's positive.", "y": "it's positive? it's positive."}, {"x": "to lily and marshall.", "y": "well, thank you. i mean, we've never been happier. can't imagine anything bringing me down right now."}, {"x": "you're not pregnant.", "y": "well, that did it."}, {"x": "well, you are looking at the new associate researcher at world wide news.", "y": "oh, my gosh. that's amazing news."}, {"x": "what? oh. i have never seen you guys looking so at peace. to lily and marshall.", "y": "well, thank you. i mean, we've never been happier."}, {"x": "charity? you're seriously talking to me about charity? dude, i am mr. charity. i frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-thirties... i am the bill and melinda gates of the sympathy bang.", "y": "hey, guys. big announcement."}, {"x": "let me guess. you got a huge bonus check, too.", "y": "no, just a $30 gift card to costa coffee."}, {"x": "huh. marshall and lily are doing something meaningful. and it's making me less happy about this bonus. and i'm still single. at least i got that going for me. so why do i still feel outside of awesome looking in? what am i doing with my life?", "y": "we've never been happier. can't imagine bringing e down right now."}, {"x": "oh, marshall, you only think you're happy. just wait, because tonight, is barney's favorite things!", "y": "huh? i don't know what that is."}, {"x": "velour track suits!", "y": "velour is so comfortable. they're so soft."}, {"x": "what?! i've never seen that woman before in my life! sorry, force of habit. congratulations!", "y": "this is great. i'm happy. i'm so happy, my heart's pounding. and i'm sweating. and i can't breathe. this is what happiness feels like, right? oh, crap. lily's having a baby and i'm having a panic att*ck. i hope she can't tell what i'm thinking right now."}, {"x": "i can. and i'm freaking out, too! there's an alien growing in my stomach that's gonna explode out of my vag*na!", "y": "do you think the others can tell we're freaking out?"}, {"x": "i should get a christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night.", "y": "they're totally onto us. what do we do?"}, {"x": "just keep smiling, maybe wave. no, don't wave! that makes no sense!", "y": "i'm committed. i'm riding this wave straight to hell."}, {"x": "let's leave, then the waving will make sense.", "y": "lily, we have to relax. there's no need to panic. true, there's a lot to do, but we've got nine months to prepare. so i say that we just make a list of everything that needs to get done before the baby arrives and do everything on that list tonight!"}, {"x": "let's do it! uh-huh, got it. okay, that seems easy.", "y": "nursery's painted!"}, {"x": "blue? what if it's a girl?", "y": "damn it!"}, {"x": "oh, god, it's 800! we're supposed to meet the g*ng at the bar to celebrate.", "y": "oh, god. okay, listen. when we meet them, we have to keep it together. can you keep it together?!"}, {"x": "i have never seen you guys looking so at peace. to lily and marshall.", "y": "well, thank you. i mean, we've never been happier."}, {"x": "the ipod was on shuffle! the jerky boys! our baby heard the jerky boys!", "y": "you know what, the jerky boys are funny."}, {"x": "the jerky boys aren't funny, they are awful.", "y": "you know what, fine, if you don't think the jerky boys are funny, then i'm not sure that i can raise a child with you, liver lips."}, {"x": "marshall, i don't like this.", "y": "i know. okay? i don't like it either. it's like i have a hot, burning ball of stress in my chest, and nothing will make it go away!"}, {"x": "you're not pregnant.", "y": "well, that did it."}, {"x": "i know this probably comes as quite a disappointment.", "y": "yeah. huge bummer."}, {"x": "huh? yeah. why wouldn't we be? oh, the baby thing.", "y": "oh, yeah, whatever. oh, christmas-themed movie snack. nice."}, {"x": "wow, i-i thought you guys would be devastated.", "y": "oh. you know, we're actually kind of relieved. we were freaking out for about a day and a half there."}, {"x": "yeah, this whole thing got us thinking. maybe we're not ready for kids yet after all.", "y": "yeah, we were thinking maybe we would just get a dog."}, {"x": "get a puppy!", "y": "can you imagine... that would be the cutest thing!"}, {"x": "one for it's a wonderful life, please. thank you.", "y": "we're idiots."}, {"x": "this kid doesn't stand a chance.", "y": "we're ready for this."}, {"x": "nope.", "y": "you sure?"}, {"x": "something must be wrong. w... we're doing it a lot.", "y": "and everywhere... the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your wait... the kitchen."}, {"x": "look, if you're really worried, here is a number for a reproductive endocrinologist... dr. stangel. he's the best in the city.", "y": "dr. john stangel? i don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist?"}, {"x": "guys, we've got a problem. this is the application for the regional doubles laser tag tournament in poughkeepsie. problem is, only one of you can be my partner. so it looks like we've got a bake-off. you may now present your arguments.", "y": "i'm not playing laser tag."}, {"x": "i'm absolutely not playing laser tag.", "y": "damn it."}, {"x": "well, m... my mother's armenian.", "y": "lily, i've been with barney since 900 a.m. between the sexual harassment seminar all morning and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon, he hasn't left my sight."}, {"x": "uh, marshall?", "y": "yes, i know, we made our little deal with the universe, but..."}, {"x": "i still kind of think it's barney.", "y": "there's no way it's barney."}, {"x": "hello, you must be mr. eriksen. i am dr. stangel.", "y": "it's barney. wow. really, dude, bravo. you almost got a peek. but seriously, what second-rate community theater did you get...?"}, {"x": "would you...? i...", "y": "so my wife and i are trying to get pregnant."}, {"x": "uh-uh, no. can't do it.", "y": "no, but, baby, i yanked on his beard."}, {"x": "he checks out. i really don't have time for this.", "y": "no, barney... doctor, wait, please, it's... can you just give us a couple minutes? i... lily, how can i convince you that this is not barney?"}, {"x": "\"suit up\"... not convinced. this whole thing stinks to high heaven.", "y": "baby, you just saw barney."}, {"x": "he could have pulled some crazy switch. remember when his swedish cousin came to visit?", "y": "oh, yeah... bjorney."}, {"x": "well, now that i know it's sandy, i'm not.", "y": "hey, babe."}, {"x": "hi, honey. there's a couple messages on the machine. your dad called. he wants to know if you have any sixes.", "y": "yeah, uh, we got a game of \"go fish\" going on the phone. p.s., pops, go fish. who's the second message from?"}, {"x": "dr. stangel's office. i'm extremely fertile.", "y": "you're extremely fertile! oh, my god. i told you there was nothing to worry about. i got to call my dad and tell him the good news. if you're fertile, um, then that means i'm the problem."}, {"x": "okay, now you're being ridiculous. an hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.", "y": "well, i was just putting on a brave face. okay, think about it we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. obviously i'm the problem."}, {"x": "exactly! or when your... i don't know... friend invites you to a laser tag tournament, you don't fight it. you just strap on the vinyl holster and race into that abandoned jcpenney g*ns a-blazin'. i'm just agreeing with ted.", "y": "oh, it's my dad."}, {"x": "aren't you going to get it?", "y": "no, no, you know what? um, i'm gonna get my stuff checked out first. i'll call my dad after dr. stangel gives me the thumbs up."}, {"x": "but i thought you talk to your dad about everything.", "y": "i only like to call my dad with good news. i mean, telling him good news is what makes it feel real to me."}, {"x": "yeah...!", "y": "i passed the bar!"}, {"x": "all right!", "y": "i found an amazing viking lamp that fits right on the coffee table, as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord."}, {"x": "that's what i'm talking about!", "y": "right?! i found someone who can fix the viking lamp!"}, {"x": "i'll show you. \"dad, there's, uh, there's something i need to tell you, and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, but here goes. you are speaking to the 2011 tri-county laser tag co-champion\".", "y": "barney, i've already told..."}, {"x": "show me \"owl att*ck\".", "y": "i am freaking out. is there a chance that i can't have kids? i've been hit in the nuts a lot."}, {"x": "i'm here every thursday.", "y": "i can't do it, doc. is there, like, another option? could i... could i take this home?"}, {"x": "sure, you could, but, uh... we close in an hour and i'm not back till tuesday. so, clock is ticking. make it fast.", "y": "only way i know how, doc. only way i know how."}, {"x": "surprise!", "y": "mom. dad. uh... what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "for god's sake, son. do you have any sixes?", "y": "go fish. excuse me. hey, lily, can i just talk to you in here for a minute?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah. isn't it great? they just showed up. your mom's already rearranged my kitchen, organized my closet... and she asked me if i lost height. not weight. height.", "y": "yeah, i'm very excited that they're here, too. but right now, i have to get excited about something else."}, {"x": "oh, okay. well, i'll go handle your parents. and you handle your, well... wait, wait, wait. marshall.", "y": "thank you, baby. you're the best."}, {"x": "and the top is so low-cut. your father says he has front-row seats to the minnesota twins. oh. oh. by the way, marshall, we do need to know if you're coming to florida this summer. are you coming? marshall? marshall, are you coming?", "y": "this isn't working."}, {"x": "where you going, son?", "y": "i'm... i'm going to... i'm... i'm going to..."}, {"x": "he's going to masturbate.", "y": "lily!"}, {"x": "marshall, just tell them what's going on.", "y": "and so, now, i'm just scared that we won't be able to give you a grandchild."}, {"x": "aw, marshall. hey, we don't care about that one bit. and if you guys want kids, there are other ways. adoption. maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm?", "y": "aw, yeah. maybe adoption."}, {"x": "what i'm saying is, we love you no matter what. now, why don't you pretend you're in high school, get back in that bathroom, and \"blow dry your hair\".", "y": "wait, you knew?"}, {"x": "i'm afraid i have some very bad news, marshall. judging from the results of your test, it is... it is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child.", "y": "oh, god."}, {"x": "i know, i know.", "y": "it's just..."}, {"x": "now... in some rare cases, a regimen change can fix the problem, so i'm recommending a spirited cardio routine. preferably with a partner, involving any light-based firearm activity in the tri-state area. poughkeepsie, for example. have you heard of the gentlemen's sport known as laser tag? surprise!", "y": "damn it, barney! what are you doing in here?"}, {"x": "go! well, marshall. i've got your results.", "y": "and?"}, {"x": "bro, that is awesome. motility five!", "y": "hey, um, can i borrow your phone? i want to call my dad."}, {"x": "uh... claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. we can do this!", "y": "hey, guys, sorry, uh... i left my charger back in new york, so my phone's out of juice. does anyone have...?"}, {"x": "outlet or usb?", "y": "uh, outlet. thank you. oh..."}, {"x": "unfortunately, i can't. my daughter in chicago just went into labor. but i'm leaving you in the capable hands of my second-in-command my son.", "y": "your son?"}, {"x": "oh, you remember trey. i'll go grab him.", "y": "guys... trey platt terrorized me growing up. he was, he was the toughest bully in school."}, {"x": "'sup marshall.", "y": "hello, trey. long time. mm-hmm. i was not aware that you had become a reverend."}, {"x": "the fat kid just runs away.", "y": "trey platt. i can't believe my father's funeral service is being led by trey \"the noogie machine\" platt."}, {"x": "that guy gave you noogies? what, did he carry a stepladder?", "y": "he made me carry it."}, {"x": "bye, sweetie.", "y": "bye, mom."}, {"x": "son, there's something i want to say before i leave.", "y": "yeah, dad?"}, {"x": "could i snag that extra pork chop for the flight?", "y": "i was gonna make a sandwich with that, dad. dad, don't they have food on the plane?"}, {"x": "marshall! looks like rain out here! i couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! you know who probably has an umbrella?", "y": "and then, well, see, my dad grew up in a small town, in another generation, so sometimes - totally well-meaningly - he'd say stuff like..."}, {"x": "the koreans across the hall! hey, the koreans are a trustworthy and generous people!", "y": "dad..."}, {"x": "i betcha one of the koreans has an umbrella! heck, they're koreans!", "y": "my dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes."}, {"x": "yeah! it's positive racism!", "y": "this is worse than the pork chop."}, {"x": "fall off. shorts just fall right off.", "y": "no, wait-- i'm wrong. that wasn't it. they couldn't find a cab, so i went down there."}, {"x": "bye, sweetie.", "y": "bye, mom."}, {"x": "hey, son, i just want to leave you with a little advice. rent crocodile dundee iii. i caught it on the cable last night. it totally holds up!", "y": "crocodile dundee iii is the second-best of the croc trilogy, so maybe i can live with that. oh, sorry, my phone's charged."}, {"x": "i got ya.", "y": "oh, my god."}, {"x": "what is it?", "y": "i have a voice mail from my dad."}, {"x": "how?", "y": "my phone's been out of juice, so he must've called me the day the he, uh..."}, {"x": "baby, are you okay?", "y": "i hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me. i'm gonna hit play."}, {"x": "what's wrong?", "y": "what if it's worse than crocodile dundee iii? i can't do this. i can't... my mom is about to collapse. i'm gonna..."}, {"x": "look, think of it this way you get to hear your dad's voice one last time.", "y": "i should go listen to this... alone, okay? i'll be back."}, {"x": "so?", "y": "i couldn't listen to it. guys, this is hard."}, {"x": "it doesn't. that's true.", "y": "guys, guys, what if-- god forbid-- all of your dads d*ed right now? what would their last words to you have been? seriously."}, {"x": "i have to go.", "y": "how would you like those to be your father's last words?"}, {"x": "well, they might be. donna bromstead's husband is a cop.", "y": "lawyered. lily?"}, {"x": "no, here's the awful part.", "y": "lawyered. now can we all just admit that last words are, in fact, a big deal?"}, {"x": "man, i always thought i had it rough not really knowing my dad, but... now i realize at least i'll never have to suffer like this. our next video is called \"german shepherd activates tennis ball cannon while fat kid sips energy drink.\"", "y": "barney, please, barney! it's... no more videos, okay? i just need a minute."}, {"x": "yes. nothing beats the immediacy of live theater. but which one of us is going to take the hit so that's it? no discussion?", "y": "i'm not going to listen. \"rent crocodile dundee ii\" are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and i think i can live with that."}, {"x": "you're up next, baby.", "y": "i just need some air."}, {"x": "baby, are you okay?", "y": "i have to listen to it. it's a pocket dial. it's nothing."}, {"x": "she's right. your dad was hilarious.", "y": "you guys don't get it, okay? none of you do. my dad was my hero. and he was my teacher. and he was my best friend. he always came through for me. and now he's just gone. and what am i left with? thanks a lot, god! thank you! you took my father, the greatest man that i have ever known, and you ripped him off this earth, way too young! and he'll never get to meet our kids, lily. but we got this voice mail. thank you so much for the voice mail! it's a great comfort! 'cause whenever i'm starting to feel lonely or sad, or-- or you know what, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least i got the sound of his pocket to console me. how is this fair? you know, like, an entire human life and it just ends for no reason, and... and what are we left with?"}, {"x": "looks like your dad came through one last time.", "y": "\"i love you.\" my father's last words to me are \"i love you.\""}, {"x": "ooh, and let me know if you find my foot cream. that fungus thing is acting up again.", "y": "\"i love you.\" my father's last words to me are \"i love you.\""}, {"x": "yes. yes, they were. we heard it. loud and clear.", "y": "bye, pop."}, {"x": "that dress makes you look like a kansas city whore. sorry, dear. last one.", "y": "oh, man. i should have rented crocodile dundee iii."}, {"x": "okay, seriously, how are you doing that?", "y": "thanks. i'll be right back. and if i don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all. i really, really, really love you guys. now i'm going to go drop a deuce."}, {"x": "oh, that is too cute. say it again.", "y": "no. it's called manners, jerk. now, what's-what's going on in new york? give me something."}, {"x": "i'll get the ketchup.", "y": "robin, i just want you to know, it's either this story you're telling me or another game of clue against myself, so make it good."}, {"x": "she is a lovely person... warm, intelligent, just kind of gullible. it's like, every word out of her mouth makes you want to be like, \"oh, honey.\"", "y": "interesting. show your work."}, {"x": "he's gay!", "y": "mom, hang up!"}, {"x": "i'm sorry.", "y": "go on."}, {"x": "i'm in love with zoey.", "y": "oh, my god."}, {"x": "oh, my god!", "y": "mom!"}, {"x": "sorry.", "y": "ted's in love with zoey? but, but she's married. that boy needs an intervention."}, {"x": "and seriously, mouthwash after coffee.", "y": "oh, um, that's my other line. it's not a number i recognize."}, {"x": "so don't answer it.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "oh, my god, you are so minnesota. you can't not answer the phone because it would be rude.", "y": "well, it would be. good-bye. eriksen residence, marshall speaking."}, {"x": "hey, marshall.", "y": "barney. w- what number is this?"}, {"x": "i'm up on burners, playa. too many crazies had my old number, so now i'm all about disposable cell phones. i'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. and then i'll do the same with my phone.", "y": "hey, uh, so robin told me about this whole ted and zoey thing."}, {"x": "honey.", "y": "uh... robin's version was..."}, {"x": "okay, time to go home.", "y": "okay, can we skip this part, please?"}, {"x": "sure, i'll just summarize it.", "y": "okay, that's been going on a while."}, {"x": "zoey's in love with ted.", "y": "marcus!"}, {"x": "wait, hear me out, marshall. zoey's in love with ted, but she's married, so she tried to push him away by setting him up with her cousin instead. but seeing ted and honey hit it off was more than her gentle heart could bear, so zoey left early, pricked by love's fickle thorn. but then, the next morning, upon learning that ted had not tasted of honey's sweet nectar, her joy burst forth like a blossoming flower in spring.", "y": "wow. zoey's in love with ted."}, {"x": "oh, marshall, i stopped by that new doughnut shop hertz donuts. would you like a hertz donut?", "y": "sure. hey, where's the...? no! aah!"}, {"x": "hurts, don't it? i can't believe you fell for that, bro.", "y": "so ted's in love with zoey and zoey's in love with ted? well, that-that's not going to work. i got to call ted."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "listen, ted, um, i got to tell you something about zoey."}, {"x": "marshall, i'm going to byerly's. you want anything?", "y": "mom! get off the phone!"}, {"x": "of course, dear.", "y": "marcus, hang up! both of you, hang up! and we need ice cream. go on."}, {"x": "and that was it. no more zoey.", "y": "oh. hey, buddy, that's lily. i should take that. but, uh, you're a good guy, ted. hey, baby."}, {"x": "we hate ted now. get on board or the sexting stops.", "y": "ted's a son of a bitch! oh, nice. but, hey, um, baby, go easy on ted, okay? he just, he just ended things with zoey."}, {"x": "i can't believe it. i really thought you and i were friends. lord knows i could use a friend right now. i've been going through some pretty difficult stuff.", "y": "difficult stuff? what difficult stuff?"}, {"x": "i don't know.", "y": "well, you did the right thing, baby."}, {"x": "not entirely.", "y": "and that's robin on the other line."}, {"x": "oh, well, i'll let you take that. love you, baby!", "y": "eriksen residence, marshall speaking... listen, robin. i know. i apologize for my wife. she never should have..."}, {"x": "yeah, i told zoey you hate her.", "y": "me? you dragged me into this?!"}, {"x": "you just went through a tragedy. it's not like she's gonna call you up and...", "y": "oh, god, that's my other line. oh, god, it's a 917 number, and i don't recognize it! i think it's zoey!"}, {"x": "just don't answer it.", "y": "i can't not answer. it's impolite."}, {"x": "marshall, you can b*at this.", "y": "i can't turn my back on politeness."}, {"x": "you don't have to answer. you can just let it ring.", "y": "good manners are what separate us from those \"elbows on the table\" wisconsinites."}, {"x": "you can do this. i believe in you. don't do it, marshall!", "y": "i'm sorry, robin! eriksen residence. marshall speaking."}, {"x": "hi. i spent the night with your friend barney and he accidentally left his phone in my apartment, in the garbage. but i've been going through all of his contacts because i'm sure he wants to get in touch with me. after all, he told me, uh... i was his first.", "y": "oh, honey. oh! honey! zoey's cousin."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "listen, um, about barney..."}, {"x": "well, there you go.", "y": "hey, uh, listen, honey, while i've got you, do you have any idea what kind of difficult stuff zoey's been going through?"}, {"x": "oh, i can't tell you about that. the only people that are allowed to know are me, zoey and her therapist.", "y": "i am her therapist."}, {"x": "oh! well, in that case...", "y": "uh, okay, listen, i think we've made great progress for today. i got to go. bye. mom! marcus!"}, {"x": "can you at least tell me why? because i'm racking my brain here, and i thought... i just want to know why.", "y": "so we got ted and zoey. ted is in love with zoey. zoey has no idea. then zoey's cousin honey went home with barney, and zoey was happy about it. which tells us what?"}, {"x": "zoey's in love with...", "y": "zoey's in love with ted and ted doesn't know. so ted and zoey... they're in love with each other, which would be fine if zoey wasn't married to colonel mustard. i mean, the captain. except now, as honey informs me..."}, {"x": "so long! and now he's staying even longer. his mom has been having a really hard time since the funeral. he's waiting on her hand and foot. but... it's valentine's day. it's not going to be the same without the two of us watching predator together.", "y": "you know, i saw this in the theater, like, five times, but i never got to see it with the right girl."}, {"x": "i'm so glad none of those girls were right for you.", "y": "what girls?"}, {"x": "oh, i'm doin' okay. it gets a little lonely. my friends suggested a body pillow, but.. i'm not a lunatic.", "y": "hey, mom? i hate to be that guy, but i'm pretty sure it was hot pocket o'clock, like, ten minutes ago. lily. what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "i wanted to surprise you.", "y": "oh, my gosh. that's so sweet. i'm so glad you're here. hey, um, before i forget, mom, did you remember to get more double-a batteries?"}, {"x": "oh, they're upstairs, sweetie. right next to your washed and folded clothes.", "y": "oh, great, okay. i don't want my game boy to crap out. i'm having the sickest dr. mario run of my life. okay. i'll be right back. i love you, lily. okay. you're the best, mom."}, {"x": "um, marshall, your mom asked me to carry this up. she turned her ankle on your hot wheels. is my track okay? it's fine, but, marshall, i thought you were here taking care of your mom. it seems like she's taking care of you.", "y": "my mom loves to feel needed. letting her take care of me is how i'm taking care of her. she's in a dark place, lily. she needs this. mom? you forgot my chocolate milk with the swirly straw!"}, {"x": "marshall, tomorrow's valentine's. don't you want to be at home on our couch, cuddling up under a warm blanket, watching the predator use his heat vision to stalk helpless prey?", "y": "well, baby, we could watch predator here. no, my mom can go rent it for us after she's done digging out the car."}, {"x": "marshall, your mom wants you out of here.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "anything else, sweetie?", "y": "mom, d-do you want me to leave?"}, {"x": "marshall, i'm going home.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and i want you to come with me.", "y": "i can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me."}, {"x": "you have super mario kart?!", "y": "hell, yeah."}, {"x": "but your mom doesn't need you. your life in new york needs you. it needs you really bad.", "y": "baby, don't go."}, {"x": "i'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.", "y": "i miss my dad, ted. i miss him so much."}, {"x": "i know.", "y": "um, when i was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. and every year, we wouldn't get to the cabin till, like, the middle of the night. and so, it would be pitch black, in the middle of the woods. and i could never see anything in front of the headlights but i always felt so safe 'cause my dad was driving. he was like some sort of superhero who could just see way out into the darkness. now he's just gone. and it's pitch black. and i can't see where i'm going. i can't see anything."}, {"x": "here's the first thing you need to know about laser tag.", "y": "thanks a lot for coming out here, man."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "hey, are-are you sure it's okay with zoey that you're here for valentine's day?"}, {"x": "well, i mean, technically, she doesn't know yet.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "things with zoey are moving really fast, and the divorce just makes everything more complicated. i just, i needed to take a step back.", "y": "you're not taking a step back. you're running away. and hiding out here, hiding out here is not gonna solve anything. you're just holed up in minnesota because you're too scared to face reality, and it's... we got to go back to new york, tonight."}, {"x": "we're snowed in. lily got the last flight.", "y": "so, we drive. it's time. it's time to get back to real life. it's time to grow up. yeah mom! can you make us some pb and j's for the road?"}, {"x": "crusts cut off.", "y": "crusts cut off! no, ted. what are we...? we're men. mom! leave the crusts on! they forced their opponents to scatter, picking them off, one by one, in a swift and merciless slaughter."}, {"x": "if it's really important to you, i will pick it up tomorrow.", "y": "all right, guys, i have to go. i have a big meaningless stack of paperwork that i have to get off my desk to make room for tomorrow's big meaningless stack of paperwork. but it's all worth it, you know, 'cause at least i know i'm making the world a... place. all right, see you guys later."}, {"x": "oh, baby, why aren't you in bed?", "y": "i can't sleep."}, {"x": "mmm. anything i can do to help you with that?", "y": "maybe after this documentary on garbage."}, {"x": "nearly twice the size of texas, the gweat pacific garbage patch, or \"garbage island,\" is an enviwonmental disaster. sepawated from its pawents, this young bird stwuggles to survive, stwangling itself in the plastic wings of a six-pack. marshall eriksen, i think you know what you have to do.", "y": "i have to save the planet!"}, {"x": "but my wife has left me. all my friends have abandoned me. please, tell me you're on my side. let's adjourn to the study.", "y": "garbage island. you haven't heard of garbage island? it's an island... made of garbage! it's in the pacific ocean. it's twice the size of texas!"}, {"x": "in other words, one-eighth the size of canada. so...", "y": "guys, i'm going environmental, okay? phase one the bar. i've already convinced maclaren's to implement a new green initiative."}, {"x": "that's 'cause of you? i got to carry an 80-pound bag of bottles to the recycling center every night. i threw my back out.", "y": "you're welcome... earth. phase two gnb. tomorrow i'm going to make a presentation in front of the board about how we can cut our carbon footprint by half for only $12 million."}, {"x": "damn it! the box!", "y": "baby, baby, i really got to work on this presentation."}, {"x": "oh, that's too bad, 'cause i was going to make a little presentation of my own.", "y": "okay, why not from now until tomorrow afternoon, i do this, and then tomorrow night, i do that."}, {"x": "deal. come on, come on.", "y": "lily!"}, {"x": "sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.", "y": "oh, no, baby, come on. today didn't go so well."}, {"x": "yeah, i met sting. so why on earth would we spend another $12 million?", "y": "well, because we can always do more."}, {"x": "yeah, but i met sting.", "y": "well, meeting sting isn't gonna fix anything, arthur!"}, {"x": "...nice presentation. we'll keep it under advisement.", "y": "meeker got fired because of me. i'm the bad guy."}, {"x": "no, sweetie, just-just put all that out of your mind and relax. look, i got you a six-pack of tall boys from the deli.", "y": "hey, baby."}, {"x": "yeah?", "y": "what happened to the plastic rings that held the six-pack together?"}, {"x": "oh, i-i don't know. i threw them down the garbage chute. let's just use the handcuffs instead.", "y": "baby, birds can get caught in those and then they dwown in a sea of wubbish! weren't you listening? don't you care about garbage island?"}, {"x": "marshall, right now, i don't give a wat's ass about garbage island.", "y": "well, i do. i got to find those rings!"}, {"x": "okay, baby, what gives?", "y": "i'm sorry, but neither of us are getting any action until i find those rings."}, {"x": "okay, marshall, seriously, what's going on?", "y": "he'll never get to see how i turn out."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "my dad. you know, i used to, um, i used to always tell him that i was gonna be an environmental lawyer. and he was always so proud of me for that. but he never got to see the version of me that was anything but a corporate stooge. and now it's too late. and we're starting a family, you know."}, {"x": "are you avoiding sleeping with me 'cause you don't want to start a family?", "y": "lily, if we have a baby right now, that is just it for me. the cement will dry, and i will be stuck at gnb forever."}, {"x": "marshall, if you want to quit your job and go work for the nrdc right now, then you need to do that right now. and then, once you've cleaned up all the oceans and saved the planet... you know, like, a year from now... then we'll start a family.", "y": "i don't know. so far, in the name of saving the planet, i've ruined your night, i practically broke wendy's back and i got meeker fired. the guy must hate me."}, {"x": "ted. this is your seduction lounge. sex swing there, vibrating jell-o pit right there, rotating vietnamese shame wheel right here. don't ask; you're not ready. and that basketball hoop? outdoor stripper pole. we'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. you think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad...", "y": "hey. barney, let's go outside for a second."}, {"x": "yeah. this intervention isn't for me. it's for you", "y": "barney, i can't believe your giant tv is broken. it's march madness."}, {"x": "dad?", "y": "i can't believe barney is talking to his dad right now."}, {"x": "why did you abandon me?", "y": "why'd you wait so long to contact me?"}, {"x": "you got nothing on me.", "y": "hey, lily, can you toss me a beer?"}, {"x": "that's not true.", "y": "lily, at our apartment, you're the one who pees on the floor."}, {"x": "hey, uh, you're barney's friends, right?", "y": "yeah, but... aren't you supposed to be off managing some tour in australia?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "you're having dinner with him tonight."}, {"x": "guys, get it through your heads. i am never gonna talk to my dad again.", "y": "no, barney. i'm never gonna talk to my dad again. but your dad is alive and he lives just down the road."}, {"x": "fine, i'll go.", "y": "awesome. um, lily, keys. i'm literally 11 inches from you."}, {"x": "guess now we wait.", "y": "hey, i got an idea how to pass the time. a little trivia game. robin, reindeer real or fake?"}, {"x": "okay, i'm not an idiot. reindeer are obviously f... re... fake?", "y": "yikes! i'm surrounded by a bunch of dum-dums. good thing i don't have any gaps in my knowledge. i am perfect. oh, for the love of god, guys, enough already."}, {"x": "what, baby?", "y": "you've been treating me with kid gloves ever since my dad d*ed."}, {"x": "i'm sorry.", "y": "i first noticed it at the bar."}, {"x": "it ages well, that's the thing.", "y": "you guys like my new soul patch?"}, {"x": "righteous hair tab, brotha.", "y": "and once i figured it out, i started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go. [...]hey, guys. this is rex. he's a possum. i found him in the trash. he lives with us now."}, {"x": "i love him.", "y": "lily, we are living with a possum. rex is violent and he hates us."}, {"x": "but, baby, you just lost your dad. none of us wants to upset you.", "y": "please. if you guys really want me to get over the worst tragedy of my life, i'm begging you, tear me a new one. but not like rex tried to in my sleep last night."}, {"x": "j.j., i'm talking to dad right now. god.", "y": "seriously, it's time. what are my gaps?"}]
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