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text_4446_2275_000002_000009
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I felt it in my bones when I woke this morning that something splendid was going to turn up.
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She looked about desperately from Bartley to the door, then to the windows, and back again to Bartley.
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He dropped back heavily into his chair by the fire.
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It's abominable of you to ask me.
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If you come to me, I'll do as I see fit.
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I must see you.
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"You see, my mistake was in wanting you to have everything.
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"It . . . it hasn't always made you miserable, has it?" Her eyelids fell and her lips quivered.
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It's getting the better of me.
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"You see, loving some one as I love you makes the whole world different.
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You haven't spoken a word."
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"I got in about ten minutes ago.
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"You want to tell me that you can only see me like this, as old friends do, or out in the world among people?
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I thought it might be Sister Kate or Cousin Mike would be happening along.
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I landed at Liverpool this morning and came down on the boat train."
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Alexander did not sit down.
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I must have you to think of through the months and months of loneliness.
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Alexander rose and shook himself angrily.
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There is this deception between me and everything."
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I don't trust myself any more.
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He pulled up a window as if the air were heavy.
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"Oh, what a grand thing to happen on a raw day!
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You ask me to stay away from you because you want me!
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At least, tell me that you believe I thought I was making you happy."
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"There's something troubling you, Bartley.
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Bartley bent lower over the fire.
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The room was empty when he entered.
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He moved uneasily and his chair creaked.
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Do you understand?
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Hilda watched him with perplexity.
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I never dreamed it would be you, Bartley.
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"I can't," he said heavily.
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I wanted you to eat all the cakes and have them, too.
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I can do that."
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But why do you let me chatter on like this?
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I must know about you.
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She called his name on the threshold, but in her swift flight across the room she felt a change in him and caught herself up so deftly that he could not tell just when she did it. She merely brushed his cheek with her lips and put a hand lightly and joyously on either shoulder.
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"Everything!"
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"Always.
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"You want me to say it?" she whispered.
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Hilda held her face back from him and began to cry bitterly.
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He stood his ground over by the windows until Hilda came in.
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Keep away if you wish; when have I ever followed you?
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I get nothing but misery out of either.
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She leaned her head against his arm and spoke softly:--
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But, if you come to me, I'll do as I see fit.
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He rose and pushed the chair behind him and began to walk miserably about the room, seeming to find it too small for him.
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She pushed him toward the big chair by the fire, and sat down on a stool at the opposite side of the hearth, her knees drawn up to her chin, laughing like a happy little girl.
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Hilda shivered and sat still.
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"Could you-could you sit down and talk about it quietly, Bartley, as if I were a friend, and not some one who had to be defied?"
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The shamefulness of your asking me to do that!
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He ignored her question.
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I wanted you always to be happy and handsome and successful-to have all the things that a great man ought to have, and, once in a way, the careless holidays that great men are not permitted."
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Why didn't you let me be angry with you?
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The first was-sort of in play, wasn't it?"
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"Yes, yes," she hurried, pulling her hand gently away from him. Presently it stole back to his coat sleeve.
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Something of their troubling sweetness came back to Alexander, too.
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"I can't stand seeing you miserable."
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The stop at Queenstown, the tedious passage up the Mersey, were things that he noted dimly through his growing impatience.
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I won't promise.
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Come over to the fire; you're chilled through."
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The world is all there, just as it used to be, but I can't get at it any more.
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"We've tortured each other enough for tonight.
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We had only a few days, and your new play was just on, and you were so happy."
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The sight of you, Bartley, to see you living and happy and successful-can I never make you understand what that means to me?" She pressed his shoulders gently.
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Then came all those years without you, lonely and hurt and discouraged; those decent young fellows and poor Mac, and me never heeding-hard as a steel spring.
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Hilda was pale by this time, and her eyes were wide with fright.
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"Don't cry, don't cry," he whispered.
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Bartley gave a bitter little laugh, and Hilda looked up and read in the deepening lines of his face that youth and Bartley would not much longer struggle together.
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Bartley leaned his head in his hands and spoke through his teeth.
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"Yes, I was happy, wasn't I?" She pressed his hand gently in gratitude. "Weren't you happy then, at all?"
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"No!" she gasped.
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Hilda sat on the arm of it and put her hands lightly on his shoulders.
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He locked and unlocked his hands over the grate and spread his fingers close to the bluish flame, while the coals crackled and the clock ticked and a street vendor began to call under the window.
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And I've got nobody but you.
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She stood over him with her hands clenched at her side, her body rigid.
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"Each life spoils the other.
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You've only to tell me now.
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Alexander leaned forward and warmed his hands before the blaze.
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She rose uncertainly, touched his hair with her hand, then sank back upon her stool.
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And then you came back, not caring very much, but it made no difference."
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"But why NOW?" she asked piteously, wringing her hands.
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I'm growing older, and you've got my young self here with you.
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The last two days of the voyage Bartley found almost intolerable.
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"I meant to, but somehow I couldn't.
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I will ask the least imaginable, but I must have SOMETHING!"
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I will do anything you say-but that!
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Forget everything except that I am here."
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"I'll do anything you wish me to, Bartley," she said tremulously.
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"After the very first.
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Emerging at Euston at half past three o'clock in the afternoon, Alexander had his luggage sent to the Savoy and drove at once to Bedford Square.
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He looked at her and his haggard face softened.
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"It's too late to ask that.
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I carried it all lightly enough at first, but now I don't dare trifle with it.
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If I'd met you later, if I hadn't loved you so well-but that's all over, long ago.
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She bit her lip and looked down at her hands, which were clasped tightly in front of her.
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What must I do that I've not done, or what must I not do?" She listened intently, but she heard nothing but the creaking of his chair.
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Hilda's face quivered, but she whispered: "Yes, I think it must have been.
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You and i"
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She slid to the floor beside him, as if she were too tired to sit up any longer.