diff --git "a/mental_health_combined_test.csv" "b/mental_health_combined_test.csv"
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+++ "b/mental_health_combined_test.csv"
@@ -0,0 +1,2685 @@
+text,status
+i don't understand whats wrong with me. i don't know why i freak out sometimes. like right now i'm just laying in bed nothing is happening but i can't keep the tears running from down my face. it's stupid. i'm honestly fine nothing is wrong. why on earth am i like this?,Anxiety
+"usually when i have anxiety just chatting with someone or just having someone to physically be there for me is all i need to start feeling better. my anxiety is always worst at night, and it’s such a shitty feeling knowing that my girlfriend is literally sharing the bed with me but i still feel like i’m completely alone. i want to just reach over and wake her up but i feel like i’d just be being a nuisance. so what do you guys do when you can’t sleep because of anxiety but can’t talk to anyone because they’re all asleep? i usually just end up suffering in silence until the sun comes up and my girlfriend wakes up, then i feel comfortable and tired enough to go to sleep. ig i’m just weird, i can’t sleep unless i’m the first one to fall asleep.",Anxiety
+"well, i've had anxiety and panic syndrome for a few years. it all started in my school back in 2014, my heart went insane for no reason, got so bad that i had to ask my dad to pick me up, we went to the hospital and my blood pressure was very high, years passed and now, 2016, the symptons got way worse, so bad that i dropped out. so, what's your story?",Anxiety
+"for the most minimal of things, like standing in someone's way for just a moment. does anyone else notice this character trait? it's not out of habit, it's a subconscious quirk. i think, deep down, i legitimately believe i'm inconveniencing people when i say it.",Anxiety
+"i stay away from family and live with my roommate who literally games all the fuckin time! it's like he is happy he doesn't have to go to college anymore this is a blessing for him. he has no other interests i'm stuck in my head all day! this pandemic really makes it worse for those who need distractions to escape from all the overthinking and anxiety! trying to develop new hobbies such as reading and stuff, watching shows and movies also gets boring after a while",Anxiety
+"i'm very ecstatic, i got a job that literally fits around my anxiety! a family member of mine talked to anotger friend wjo works at an auto parts shop and she said she completely understands what i'm going through and the company will take me on! all i do is deliver parts and sweep that's it full time 8 to 5! not only that but they're accommodating for my group therapy!",Anxiety
+"i've been feeling anxious today, but it's always a good reminder for everyone. the fear and anxious feelings and symptoms won't last forever. you are loved and cared for, and it's going to be okay. <3",Anxiety
+"i quit my job today. it was fucking terrible. not quitting, but being there. from september, i've had the worst time working there and trying my best for an abusive relationship. it took every fiber of my being to go through with it, but i feel like i've shed a ten ton husk. long time lurker, but i had to make an account to post this.",Anxiety
+"after months of being stuck in a loop of staying indoors and not stepping outside my comfort zone, i decided that i needed to challenge myself and do something that i haven’t done before. usually i go to the gym with my boyfriend, but even then, it has to be on a day when it is quiet, otherwise i feel overwhelmed. i had gotten kinda out of shape as i haven’t been to the gym now for around 3 months. honestly, i’ve been starting to get super negative thoughts about the way i look so i really wanted to change that before it gets worse. for me, working out is one of the few things that i actually enjoy doing! a bonus is that it helps me sleep like a rock. i kept telling myself that the worst that could happen would be if i get something wrong, and people stare at me- but so what? no one really cares about what others do in the gym. with this in mind, i managed a great workout session and i plan to keep it up. i feel amazing! taking small steps and even having the intention of doing something new is a good step to take. i hope you guys work towards doing something new today. ☺️",Anxiety
+"i’m at a resort with my friends and their parents (i’m 17). so it’s just us and my friends and the bar crowd at this disco area in the resort and my friend pushes me to sing karaoke with him in front of an audience. it was fucking awful my voice was already raspy , yet i was somehow expected to carry the song. everyone was laughing at us as. we heard from our friends in the crowd how much everyone was roasting us and it was terrible. it was fucking terrible and i feel terrible. my friends don’t think it’s that big of a deal and told me “not to worry it’s whatever”. they even want to try again tomorrow. i feel like i’m crazy but no one is acknowledging just how embarrassing it was for me and how truly crippling social anxiety is when you’re in front of a large audience while everyone is laughing at your failure. i honestly want to kill my friends or myself at this point. not actually but i’m just super pissed and disappointed and embarrassed. no one takes this serious but me and it’s annoying because everyone just brushes it off and actually shares it to others. it’s just even worse when my friend choked throughout the whole song and i basically had to do 80 percent of a song i barely knew , with my already raspy voice and my anxiety in general. it was just disaster. pure disaster. i just want to disappear honestly. not even die or yell or anything. just disappear. pretend i don’t exist. turn into a wall and never come out.",Anxiety
+"i'm always anxious, especially when i go out in the mornings and when i have to interact with people. going to breakfast this morning in a diner was a huge success for me. i brought a book, i had pancakes, sausage, coffee, and hash browns, and i was very anxious... but i loved it. i'm glad i did it. it was small step but a big victory for me.",Anxiety
+"posting this is extremely nerve-wracking, but hey, i'm doing it! oh. my. god. i actually did it you guys! 6 months ago my psychologist convinced me to take an online english class... i was so reluctant and was about to quit more than a handful of times, but despite crying my eyes out my psychologist wouldn't let me quit. she knew i could do it, and i'm so thankful she didn't enable me when i wanted to run the other way. i owe this woman everything. it's been 7+ years since i finished school, and this is the only thing i have accomplished since then. it was without a doubt hard and it felt impossible at times, but i'm so proud of myself now - something that rarely happens.",Anxiety
+"it started off okay, i was answering questions, trying to get to know the 2 interviewers. then the ceo of the company asked a question, i began to answer, and he kept interrupting me when i began to talk. this totally derailed my train of thought, stressed me out to the max, and i started to cry. i did regain composure and finish the interview but i just want to crawl into a hole and die. the thought of going to another interview, even at another company, and i start crying all over again. help.",Anxiety
+"i love to grow flowers, it's pretty much my only hobby and the main way that i de-stress. i have flower beds all around my house and i view my plants as my ""babies."" but last year my emotional support cat passed away at 12 years old and i feel like my soul went with him, it was the worst pain i've ever experienced. in my grief i completely neglected my garden for the whole year. that cat was like furry xanax to me, and now that he's gone my anxiety has been at it's worst. but today i said ""no more hiding"" and i went back outside and weeded the beds, planted some more dahlias and lilies, mulched, and trimmed my roses. i even met the new neighbor without getting nervous and going back inside. now my beloved garden has its life back, and i feel a little bit better. now that i have new things popping up from the ground i have no excuse to ignore them. i hope i can muster up the strength to keep going. for today, i'm proud of myself.",Anxiety
+"let me practice what i preach if i may... this morning, and most mornings, i fought off an incredibly severe bout of anxiety as soon as i opened my eyes. the rush of adrenaline and angst was nearly overwhelming. however, i took deep breaths, caught myself, told myself everything is fine, thought of 5 things i was grateful for and one thing i was super excited about and looked forward to in the future. soon after that my anxiety was gone and my mind was on to other things. i didn't give those dreadful thoughts any attention and i didn't entertain them. i simply let them pass and subtly replaced them with positive thoughts. i hope this can help at least one person to have a better day, or even a better moment to see that there's always a light. more positive posts would help all of us don't ya think?",Anxiety
+"i’ve had the worst week of my life. pretty much lost the will to live. my anxiety has been at a all time high since i calmed it down a while ago. as seen via my last post i got sexually assaulted nearly 7 days ago and i’ve been going off the rails ever since. i’ve barely been sober and have been promiscuous which i’ve never been before and i have no idea why after my assault all i want it for boys to respect me and say the right things before any sexual activity occurs. i had a boy say to me he wanted to get to know me before we had sex even though it was a one night stand and if it wasn’t for that nothing would of happened between us. it gave me at the time some false sense of security knowing i’m worth something and i’m not actually just a disposable machine that’s only good for one thing and that’s it? i went out last night and i’ll spare the details as about 5 different events happened all absolutely terrible and a lot of people fell out but i got a message from a friend saying to come to a party and i ended up calling him, the person who’s party it was i had a thing with for 6 months last year but he messed me around and got on girls in front of me, so my mate went to pass the phone to him and he hung up, didn’t think he wanted me to go from the start and i didn’t want to either i was saying no to going for days prior when mutual friends were asking me to go then i find out it wasn’t actually my friend messaging me it was someone who clearly didn’t like me and wanted me to show up just to be turned away so luckily that didn’t happen... until... i went to meet my other friend hours later who begged me to go back to the apartment with him and i said until you speak to the one who’s apartment it is it not going like i’m pretty sure he doesn’t even like me although i never done anything bad to him at all i’m pretty sure i loved him but so my friend calls and he passed the phone to someone else who says to bring me and whoever else so we show up just to be told no i can’t come in. i feel absolutely humiliated, i know a few of them don’t like me that’s evident and i’m not sure why because i’ve not personally met any of them that don’t seem to like me, a lot of it has to be because of the guy i used to see and another guy i used to see who was also there. there was also drama as on friday someone slyly took a picture of me with a boy who had his arm around me who has a girlfriend (which i didn’t know) so everyone knows it’s me but they’re only not saying anything because the boy would fight all of them and probably win and his girlfriend showed up and punched him in the face and said he cheated on her, so i was quite a big topic of conversation in that apartment clearly and it’s giving me such bad anxiety i’m just worrying what people think of me and what was said about me i just don’t know what to do... i feel like i need to redeem myself but yet i’ve just done nothing wrong?",Anxiety
+"i have this weird situation going on where nearly every morning now, after waking up around 3-4 a.m. i will be half-awake and trying to go back asleep, the problem is, that my mind is constantly telling me, your alarm is about to go off, you can't go back to sleep, and just all the things that run through my head before i fall asleep start to go through my mind. i am not laying awake with my eyes closed, but i am in a light dream with all of this going on? anyone have this problem too? i'm losing so much sleep because of it. update: happened again this morning. i was dreaming that i woke up and checked my phone and a girl replied, so was replaying a scenario of what i was gonna text back, over, and over, and over again. i finally realized that it wasn't actually happening and woke myself up.",Anxiety
+"i have had fairly mild general anxiety for the past 4 years. it's always been manageable without the use of medicine. but recently, with a lot of stress and depression, my anxiety is spilling over into my social life. i'm convinced that, either as a result of my anxiety or because of the anxiety itself, every one of my friends is mad at me or can't stand me or even hates me. i typically don't care. i keep my circle small and typically i know the people i chose to have in my life love and care about me. but even that is crushing me. i have no reason to believe that my friends are talking about me behind my back, but i am convinced they are. i honestly don't know how to handle it.",Anxiety
+i had a little numbness on my left side of my chest now im kinda bugging out while at work. and i cant stop thinking about it just want to know if thats normal for anyone. edit thank you all for your responses glad to know im not the only one feeling this way. i hope that you all can feel a little better.,Anxiety
+"i've been battling depression, anxiety for about 15 years. i've also struggled with adhd all my life. on top of that i'm in my mid 30s and never been in a relationship so my self esteem is cripplingly low. lately at work my anxiety has been getting worse. i'm convinced that the people i work with think i'm a creepy loser and constantly talk about me behind my back and even text each other when i'm around. i'll dwell on it for hours and get a feeling of a knot in my chest. i also have trouble in social situations. i replay conversations in my head over and over again wondering if they found me strange. sometimes a memory of an embarrassing moment from years ago will just pop into my head and haunt me for a while. i've seen a therapist 4 times now but i'm starting to think she isn't equipped to deal with my issues. i think i may need to move to a psychiatrist and take a more clinical approach. i'm supposed to see a doctor next week to see if she'll put me on depression and anxiety medication, but i really don't know what to expect. i'm so tired of my mind going nonstop all day. i just want to stop obsessing over what people think of me.",Anxiety
+"just like the title says, i have all these crazy thoughts and shit but when it comes down to it everything is fine. sometimes my anxiety is strong enough to drop out altogether. it's so weird. juggling like 2 thoughts but yeah, anyone experience this too?",Anxiety
+how do people cope?! my anxiety is like “you have a deadline” and my depression is like “it’d be really nice to just lay here all day”. it’s to the point where i’m submitting coursework an hour before it’s due because i have almost zero motivation but still get stressed because of the anxiety. i’ve been on propranolol and citalopram for about 11 weeks. the propranolol is great for the physical symptoms of anxiety but citalopram is doing nothing for my depression.,Anxiety
+"my anxiety is new. never had it before 4-5 weeks ago (just turned 24 years old) and it's been a terrifying process to go through. starting with heart palpitations, chest tightness and shortness of breath i had every heart/lung test you can have and have come out clean on everything. doctor thought it might be anxiety. i don't know what triggers it, how long it will last or how to fix it yet, but just know that everyone posting here and sharing everything gives me comfort that this is manageable and that some of the physical symptoms i feel are totally normal and that i'm most likely not dying. tl;dr your sharing makes me feel normal and reminds me that i'm most likely not dying.",Anxiety
+"i've honestly never asked anyone out before, being way too anxious to do so. i finally did last night and even though she rejected me i'm extremely proud of myself for fighting my fears. thought i'd share.",Anxiety
+"good morning y’all. i’m currently on my way to my very first day at work and it’s nerve-racking to say the least! i’m all different types of emotions right now. happy, excited, and nervous as hell. anyway, my job is as an it person and i have to assist customers with tech problems over the phone. i’m in a small, open office and i hate talking on the phone when people are right next to me. i just hate when people are listening to me talk over the phone, it makes me super anxious. but, i’m going to power through today. i hope it goes well and i can get through it because it would be a huge milestone for me. edit: wow. thank you guys so much. i kept rereading these throughout the day at points and you all made me feel so much better. the day went well!",Anxiety
+"this is really just a note to myself. i consider myself a pretty smart guy. i knew the word ""anxiety"". i knew what it meant. i know people with anxiety issues. heck anxiety runs deep in my family tree. for some reason i never made the connection to myself. i finally have a word for how i feel. now things in my life make a little more sense. now i can start dealing with my thoughts/feelings in appropriate ways.",Anxiety
+"one of the biggest fears of my life is getting scolded. i fear getting scolded more than i fear my future career. even if i know, deep down, that the other person is nice and probably understanding, i get so nervous about it that it affects my ability to do work. i submitted something in late and i was so sure my boss was going to blow up on me that i paced around for hours at home, but he called and was very understanding. it's exhausting having to live life as a panicky mess. i was scolded once by a strict coach when i was 15 and it took me actual years to get over it. after that one encounter, i was so scared that i would get heart palpitations and have to be physically forced to go to practice.",Anxiety
+"i think about death all the time. everything i do at this point i ask myself why? it won't matter when i'm dead. i keep thinking how i could die tonight, to tomorrow or in my 20's or in my 40's or just go into cardiac arrest before i finish posting this. what if i'm dead before this year ends? what if i'm dead before i meet a girl, or have kids, or hell what if i die before the next time i get to eat a steak or smoke a cigar. does anyone else have this? if so how do you cope? thanks. and sorry if i rambled.",Anxiety
+"i adopted my cat as a kitten when i was in grad school. i would not be where i am in my life without his love. pets hold a special place for people with anxiety. he was there providing comfort when i had bad days. he gave me purpose when i felt i had none. he gave me unconditional love. i didn’t have to worry about my insecurities around him. he loved me as i was. he was with me when i hit my rock bottom. he was with me during my years long recovery cheering me on and providing support during the low times. he gave me companionship when i would isolate because the world was too much to take. he was my spirit animal. he had anxiety too and took prozac. he was excited when i got home and would cry when i left, sometimes when i even just left the room. he loved me and i loved him and i will forever miss him and cherish the blessing he was in my life.",Anxiety
+"for some reason i've already hated babers and getting my hair cut, maybe it's the masculine culture behind it or something. anyway i'm the type of person who would get 1 cut a year, when my hair gets long, my anxiety increases and i'm too anxious to even get a haircut. yesterday i found a men's stylist with an online booking, which was perfect as it meant no calling or waiting around for a cut. had the cut today and it was the best hair cut experience i've ever had, my hair now looks good and my confidence has skyrocketed, like everything since getting that cut has been amazing. although getting a cut might not be a big deal to some of you, i thought i'd share anyway to give you an uplifting story :)",Anxiety
+"i'll be fine one minute but then out of nowhere i go really lethargic and feel like i'm not living reality. it started happening when anxiety took its hold of me so i'm guessing they are related? hate living with this, everyday my heart races in scenarios i'm not used to, does anyone have any tips to ease the suffering, i've had this since the age of 14. thanks in advance.",Anxiety
+"was at a con. there was an event. it was *very* full and i felt super overwhelmed. a friend asked if i was okay and i started to have a panic attack. he lead me to a side room. asked if i wanted space. said yes. sat there for some time. friend came back in to check on me. i said the attack was over and i felt out of it. said i'd go to the shop and get a drink. when i get back, my boyfriend is coming out the door. he hugs me and explains they thought i'd disappeared and hurt myself. there was a miscommunication and somehow, all anyone seemed to know was that i felt overwhelmed befits the game and looked kind of out of it. boyfriend was terrified and kinda angry that i didn't tell him. was hurt that i didn't tell him. but honestly, i was thinking only of the panic during the attack. apparently i was out of it for at least an hour, then went to get a drink while still out of it so i wasn't thinking straight. i caused an event to be interrupted, scared many people, and i'm humiliated. i feel like such a piece of shit.",Anxiety
+"i have a question because i'm not sure if this is just me. i've always had social anxiety, even since i was a really little kid. the farthest back i can remember having anxiety about interacting with people was around 5yo. i remember around 13, i wouldn't be able to walk down the same sidewalk if someone was coming the other way. i'd cross the street so i wouldn't have to interact with them. now for my adult life, i'm still experiencing it i think. i talk to people easily now but i have something i can only describe as a rebound effect. i can talk to someone and have a really great conversation but then for the next few days have anxiety and panic attacks because i feel almost like i gave too much of myself away, even if the conversation was totally normal. it's not like i become very vulnerable at all. it's like if anyone knows anything more than bare basics about me or my perspectives or behaviors, i feel like i have to hide from the world. does anyone else experience this? i'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about it next time i see him, but i wanted some advice.",Anxiety
+"i feel alone and useless unless i'm high or drunk. i might be failing classes at this point, or at least close to, but i can't go to class unless i'm on something without feeling like i want to kill myself or just give up completely. i'm even high right now, i haven't been sober in over a week.",Anxiety
+"like i can have 5 consecutive great days of my baseline anxiety being very manageable (like a 2/10) then i relax and chill all day in bed netflix binging. by the end of the day my anxiety starts slowly escalating and now i'm at like a 7/10 anxiety wise. and i didnt do anything but relax all day yet this adrenaline builds up. makes no sense. theres no external stimulus causing me anxiety through the day (im watching tv or videogaming) so why is it ramping u... anyone get this, or understand why this happens?",Anxiety
+"i needed to sell a university textbook as i' am desperate for cash and unable to work. i sent my first parcel after all these years of fearing the post office, and even spoke to the guy at the counter who was probably wondering why i was shaking so much. i'm proud of myself, even if it took me hours and a panic attack to mentally prepare myself to go.",Anxiety
+"i am just posting this to ease the minds of people who have gad who sometimes wonder whether it is ""real"" as a disability or not or whether we are making it up, its in our heads, etc.. i came across the stat as i was writing a formal letter requesting an extension on a deadline for my section 8 voucher because of my gad. i was googling whether it was considered a disability or not (i already knew it was...), and i came across that stat which exemplifies how disabling it can be.",Anxiety
+"i have had 5 jobs in the last 4 years. i quit every single one of them, usually within a week of commencing. the longest i’ve stayed in a job has been 6 weeks. employment has been my biggest hurdle in my adult life. i become so anxious at work, i start to panic and lose the ability to concentrate. my body goes into fight or flight and i just simply run away and don’t look back. then the guilt, and depression hits me hard. after a good two years of no employment and being on horrible government benefits that constantly threatened to cut and suspended my payments due to not being seen as disabled enough to not work due to my mental health.... i’ve finally had enough. i took my own steps, i went out of my way and i applied for a job in a hospital. i got an interview and have been accepted and started just today! i have a week of training and then it’s all me looking after a ward. i’ll be doing the afternoon/night shift 3 days a week as an administrator maintaining paper work and discharging/admitting patients. my employer is well aware of my hurdles with my mental health and said she is very supportive so fingers crossed i can keep at this and build my confidence up! i know i will have my ups and downs, the anxiety will hit me hard some days more than others but i just have to remember how good working is for my mind and how we all start somewhere. i am proud of myself, it’s so good to be able to say that for the first time in a long time. thank you everyone on this subreddit for being so supportive. i hope to read lots of progress stories on here :)",Anxiety
+"i haven't beat my anxiety, and i don't think that is ever possible. it's important to understand that anxiety is natural, and everyone experiences it; anxiety is a human emotion and it is natural to feel it. for some of us, it can be detrimental to our life however. i apologize if there are any grammatical or spelling errors. tl;dr: eat varied vegetables, exercise everyday, meditate, detach yourself from mental clutter, be aware of your drug intake, pay attention to the moment, engage in flow, seek anxiety and confront it. **nutrition** you are what you eat. if you are neglecting your diet you are neglecting your mind. personally, i have had a lot of success by implementing certain foods and being aware of the effect that these foods have on my body. tl;dr: eat vegetables, supplement magnesium ,abstain from caffeine or supplement l-theanine, learn about your gut microbiome, consume less sugar and eat more vegetables, consume sufficient fats. * magnesium: magnesium relaxes the body and helps contribute to a healthy electrolyte balance. personally, i noticed a severe reduction in my tremors and baseline anxiety level once i started to supplement magnesium glycinate. * caffeine: this appears to be obvious, but i feel like a lot of people do not think about this. excessive caffeine levels increase the amount of mental noise i have, which results in higher levels of anxiety. * l-theanine: a natural amino acid that is found in green tea. if you do choose to consume caffeine, combine 200mg theanine with your caffeine dosage to help combat any anxiety. also works splendidly as a study aid. * gut microbiome: i am not going to pretend to thoroughly understand this complicated system. but, from my understanding we have a second ""brain"" in our stomach. the bacteria that we choose to feed within our stomach has a feedback system, which fuels certain cravings and can change our mental state. this is why your anxiety may peak after a round of anti-biotics, you have eliminated all the bacteria in your stomach, and if you eat a diet rich in sugars or simple carbs you will have fed the bad bacteria. if your gut is populated by these bad bacteria, it will have repercussions on your mental health. * microbiome practical advice: consume more fiber and vegetables to feed good bacteria. consume more probiotics rich foods such as kimchi, kefir, saurkraut, and kombucha. favoid simple carbohydrates such as sugars, white bread, etc. avoid alcohol. consider supplementing a probiotics, examine.com is a fantastic resource to find the right supplement for you. **lifestyle** tl;dr: exercise every day, no matter what you do; meditate every day; assess your drug use and understand if you are using them as a tool or a escape. * exercise: start exercising more. in the slight edge the author jeff olson talks about momentum, and consistency. your goals are just do something, every single day. it is alright if you have a terrible workout, or if you only did a 15 minute walk. the goal is to create habits in regards to exercise, which will be easier to do if you reinforce this habit every day. on days that i really do not want to go to the gym, i tell myself that i only need to walk in and start doing one lift, if i still want to leave, i let myself leave. * **meditation**: key! anxiety comes from repeated negative thought loops, and a rejection of emotions. if i tell you that you can think about anything, but do not think about a white polar bear, you will find it almost impossible to not give the polar bear attention. by resisting the idea of a polar bear, you are forced to pay attention to it. anxiety works the same way. when you try to force a thought out of your head, you give it attention, which creates a negative thought loop. meditation allows us to practice being mindful. instead of thinking about our anxiety or the negative thought, you divert your attention to the sense (hearing, sight, physical sensations). this allows us to acknowledge the negative thought, and move on. * meditation continued: there a two types of thinking going on. you have mental noise: these are thoughts that arise spontaneously and we have no control over. for some people these are very negative. behind this mental noise we have the observer however, this is you. when you are engaged in a activity that creates flow, your mental noise is reduced, and the observer has complete control. engaging in mediation allows us to get in contact with this observer, separating us from our mental noise. * drug use: this is a complicated subject, and if you do choose to consume drugs please make sure to properly educated yourself through erowid, or the different subreddits here. drugs take away what they give you. if you are consuming marijuana to run from your negative feelings, you may find that you are unable to cope with them sober. personally, i know that weed significantly contributes towards my anxiety. it causes me to overthink and sit in my head, rather than in the environment around me. mushrooms, lsd, and dmt have been the most effective means for me to solve my anxiety. if you choose to consume these drugs however, please be aware that these are powerful psychoactive substances that can have repercussions on your mental well being. physically, they are incredibly safe. personally, they allowed me to view my life free from the ego, which let me adopt a healthier mindset. if you are using drugs (which includes alcohol) to escape your negative feelings, you are not solving the problem. it is in the background, unsolved and growing. **techniques** tl;dr: try to observe your thoughts, engage in flow, take time to be mindful about your physical sensations, separate the observer and the mind. * noting: this creates a barrier between the observer, and your mental noise. when you feel anxiety, be aware of the physical sensations. think ""this is my body feeling anxiety, my bodies faces is flushed, my hands are shaking, and there is a pressure in the back of my head"". this allows you to understand that your body and mind may act seperately. * you are not your thoughts: your thoughts are not completely true and are built upon heuristics. just because you believe that your coworkers are talking about you, this does not make it true. our brains are incredible, but they are oftentimes inaccurate. * mindfulness: again, the goal is to dwell less in our brains, and focus more on the present moment. there is no past or future, the only thing that truly exists is the present moment. when your anxiety is peaking, take time to focus on the sensation of your breath, rub your fingers together and be aware of the feeling, do anything that grounds you with your physical sensation. * watch your brain: take the time every day to just let your brain think. don't try to control your thoughts or empty your brain, just wait and see what your next thought will be. if it is negative, don't reject the thought. follow the thought as far as your mind wants to, and move on when you notice another thought arise. again, this creates a barrier between you and your mind. * flow: have you ever played a game where you are completely in the moment? maybe the ball was just thrown to you, and your body seems to react automatically. this is flow, and it is a important part of our mental well-being. you can achieve this state through many different activities, take the time to find the ones that you can find flow in. **the importance of fear**: courage isn't the absence of fear, but the ability to recognize your fear and act anyway. by engaging in activities that give you anxiety, you will find that your anxiety is often times unfounded. this sounds difficult, but honestly the best thing you can do with your anxiety is to push yourself. take baby steps, don't jump into the deep end. you will be controlled by your anxiety if you don't push the levels a bit. if you have social anxiety, start talking more online. make small talk with the cashier. find whatever baby steps work for you. **therapy**: you are not weak if you consult a therapist. please, if you are really struggling go and try to talk to some different therapists. they are generally wonderful people who just want you to live a happy, fulfilled life. **recommended reading:** siddhartha by herman hesse meditations by marcus aurelius the power of now by eckhart tolle the subtle art of not giving a fuck by mark manson the slight edge by jeff olson the feeling good handbook by david burns. these are some of the things that have helped me, hopefully you find something that can help you as well. if you have any suggestions or something that you would like to comment on, please do.",Anxiety
+about 2 weeks ago i told my parents about my anxiety. i thought i'd let you guys know i am getting help from my therapist for the first time today. wish me luck!,Anxiety
+"this seems to happen to me a lot. i was blessed with a kick ass immune system, but i'm always freaking out about getting sick, especially before a big event. i have prom on thursday and i've felt shitty since sunday from what i think are nerves. my symptoms are: -weak body (hard to describe) -lower back stiffness -nausea (but in my throat, not stomach if that makes any sense at all) -overall not feeling well but can't really describe the feeling. but it feels absolutely awful like i might as well have the flu or something -throat tightness -rushes where i feel like i'll throw up but never do (i'm severely emetephobic and have only thrown up 3/4 times in my 18 years on this planet, all of them >5 years ago.) -not feeling comfortable unless i'm in my bed or in the bath -difficulty sleeping -feeling like i have a fever but i don't -tense legs -feeling helpless and like if i were to get sick no one could help me i think i have allergies right now but i'm so worried that it's a cold. i'm also scared i'll throw up either now or before prom or i'll feel sick for prom and have my day ruined. is it really possible that how i feel physically is really just all in my head and due to anxiety?? does anyone else get this? how can i stop it?",Anxiety
+"every morning since classes started up again, i wake up, and after a few seconds, the nausea sets in. it almost feels like a miniature panic attack. i really hate it, it messes up the rest of my day :(",Anxiety
+"i have been getting more and more panic attacks recently and my mum thinks i fake them to be dramatic and get attention. i was having a pretty huge one and she hit me over the head twice quite hard whilst calling me pathetic which obviously just made it worse. shes been hitting me since i can remember. she doesnt beat me on the regular just when ive really annoyed her which makes me hesitant to tell anyone. today i told my grandma what she did and she completely took my mums side saying ""sometimes a slap helps you snap out of it"" i couldnt be more angry as this entire conversation arose because they were talking about how to deal with my little sisters anxiety which is apparently all my fault. yeah the double standards when being a middle child are great... i dont know what to do ive been gaslighted my entire life not to mention my stepdad is a police officer. ive got no family members who will support me but i cant go one like this. my mum needs to know what she is doing is wrong.",Anxiety
+"holy schnikes. i feel like a new man. i've been working non-stop for the past 2 weeks. today at lunch, i got so anxious that i went to the restroom and had a ""mini"" panic attack for 5 minutes. i felt so anxious all day. tonight, i hit the treadmill for 30 minutes, walking fast and jogging for a minute or two. i feel like a new man. it totally dialed down my anxiety. if you're not doing cardio, try it. it may change your life. **update: 17 hours later and i still feel great.",Anxiety
+"i have a few things bothering me a lot at the moment and very much need some serious advice. when i was 4/5, i was sitting on my dad's lap helping him steer a car into the back yard, i suddenly felt something hard against my backside, he then asked if i could feel it, and i said yes, we then got out of the car. my mum then asks why he had an erection, he tells mum that i was sitting on his lap. she then starts to get jealous and asks what was wrong with her, and they have a small argument before she walks inside, leaving me alone with him. he then asks me to come towards him, with a very deivant expression, i suddenly felt anxious, and say no before running inside and going to my bedroom. he then follows me inside, and enters my bedroom. my mum and myself yell at him to leave me alone, him and mum have another small argument before he drives off. mum then comes into my bedroom later to tell me not to tell anyone about what happened, because people will come to take me away. then, when i was about 11/12 he would enter the bathroom while i was showering everyday, even though i expressed to him that i wanted my privacy many times. i asked him to stop, i asked my mum to talk to him. the bathroom door would be closed (no lock), but he would still come in. his reasons for entering would change, sometimes it was to wash his hands, to check his face in the mirror (which was located directly in front of the mirror), or to just have a chat because he hadn't seen me all day. i would complain to my mum everyday, and she would just say she would talk to him, or even said that i always showered while he was home so i must want him to look at me. these memories have been causing me a great deal of stress, but i'm confused about if they're serious, and if i should be worried about them? i have two young daughters myself now, and i'm worried about their safety around my parents. am i overreacting or do i have something to worry about?",Anxiety
+i know it’s hard to talk about feelings and especially anxiety. i myself suffer as well and found it helpful to talk to others and build a support system. no one should have to deal with it on their own and know there are people out there to help.,Anxiety
+"i constantly feel like i’m being lied to. i overanalyze things, my brain always finds a way to twisted things people say so it seems like a lie. my head hurts and i often cry. things started to feel like this since i was being cheated on 6 years ago.",Anxiety
+"so in my bigger lecture classes, i generally keep to myself and the classes are so big that it doesn't make much of a difference. smaller classes i would stress out a lot more about it but in bigger classes, i just have my misophonia to worry about. but yesterday, my class got moved and i was walking into the building to look for is and saw another girl heading in the same direction, so i asked if she was heading to the same place and she said yes, so i walked with her. we walked in silence for a little bit, then i finally worked up the courage to try and start a conversation with her by asking what her major is. and somehow, we got to talking for the full 20 minutes before class starts! i've never had such a lovely conversation with a stranger so easily, and we connected on a lot of things. i don't know if i'll ever see her again because the class is so big, but i was just happy to have someone to talk to and this has never happened before.",Anxiety
+"j. cole is in denver and i couldn't find anyone to go with. i fucking love j cole and i'm sick of relying on other ppl to do and see the shit i want. so fuck it, i bought a ticket and am going solo. i know my anxiety and self awareness will come up but i think once the show starts i'll be too indulged to care. wish me luck :p",Anxiety
+"whenever there is a change of plans, i almost always feel an extreme punch to my gut. i typically end up making it worse by immediately jumping to saying i don’t want to do the plans anymore or getting upset with the person. it’s especially hard in my relationship. even if i’d be perfectly fine with having the night to myself, if it’s the same day change in plans i feel like i can’t breath or i need to scream. jumping outside my bubble, i know i’ll enjoy my time alone but my mind immediately goes to feelings of rejection, extreme anxiety, and the need to close off immediately. i just want to jump in a hole forever and find myself in a major low for the rest of the day. this leads to even more disconnect with my partner. in the moment, i feel like pinching myself or really biting my inner cheek. someway to get out the anxiety. have you all found a way to 1. get that anxiety out immediately 2. not hurt your partner with words said/finding peace in a new change of plans. any advice at all would really really help. i’m having a really tough time.",Anxiety
+"the older i get, the worse i seem to be at, i don't know, functioning in general. i used to be really sociable, have plenty of friends, i did well in school, had hobbies and interests - i was weird, but enough people liked me that i didn't think about it. after high school it was like the blinders were taken off and i started to see all these things about myself that i really, really hated. i started struggling a lot in social situations, i flunked out of a really good university, i couldn't hold a job, i gradually lost contact with my friends... i was a mess. but i got back up. it was a little harder than before but i still had enough momentum to keep going. i moved back to my old school's city after a semester away, ready to do what i had to in order to re-enroll, but things got worse. i had a *lot* of anxiety already, and you know how people are - they pick up on that. i reconnected with my friends for a little while but then they all ghosted me because i was starting to act a little crazy. i got very depressed and almost did something irreparably bad to myself. so back with mom and dad. again. starting at another school. again. i got overwhelmed and started having panic attacks before classes and pulled out. i got a job and worked full time, but i was not good at it, my co-workers didn't like me much, and i was fired after a year. so i'm back in school yay. except i'm only in two classes and still struggling. everything is just... *so hard* and it's exhausting and frustrating and humiliating. i had high hopes for myself, but i don't see how to salvage any of that from what i've let myself become. i think a big part of my problems is that i'm so used to trying and failing that i'm afraid that's the only outcome if i try again. i look at myself and think ""i've given up,"" because i have. i don't want to! but i don't know how to make life work for me anymore. i don't know how to connect with people. i go out somewhere and it's impossible to think or talk clearly through the static in my head that makes me nauseous and stutter and my heart pound. what kind of a life is one where you can't even talk to someone without turning into an idiot or crying after? i can't function like this. i'll never be able to work like this. has anyone overcome a similar situation?",Anxiety
+"i (26 m) am by no means saying that i still don’t feel anxious now and then but i have definitely regained control of my life. i am now living the life that i want to live. no longer is anxiety holding me back from doing anything in life i want to. i am going to try my best to list of a few key points that helped me get to where i am today i no for a fact that i am going to miss out a lot of information just for the fact that it has took a shit ton of little things to get me to where i am. taking time to heal: 1 year ago i made the hard decision to take a break from my toxic job to focus on my own health, this was a super hard decision to make but it enabled me to take the time i need to push myself out of my comfort zone and focus on myself. consistently exercising and eating better: i had no self confidence and was always exhausted so i used to eat junk food most nights just because i felt like shit and the food made me feel worse, now i eat much cleaner, no caffeine alcohol or sugary drinks stopped smoking especially cannabis, i still treat myself of a weekend to what ever i want but for the most part i plan my meals in advance and make sure i eat them throughout the week. and the benefits of exercise are well documented but could not be underestimated. sleep: this was harder than you might think for me and i massively underestimated its value, i have never been a good sleeper usually getting anywhere from 2/5 hours sleep a night was not uncommon, but after a lot of self experimenting what works best for me i have finally got it under control i am now getting between 7/8 hours a night and the difference is chalk and cheese, when you wake up refreshed from a nights sleep there is no better feeling. took a break from ‘soical media’: i deleted all social media accounts (except reddit) and to be honest i have not got them back and i don’t think i will, people portray an image of themselves to the world that they want them to see not their real selves, and it can make you compare yourself to other people which in my opinion is not healthy, focus on yourself. perseverance: not everything you try is going to succeed, over these 8 years i have tried and failed more timed than i could ever count, but i always try again the next day, small victories are the key, i would push myself every day to do something i was uncomfortable doing, some days i would fail but i would try again until i could complete what i had set out to do then more. take experience and tips and tricks from people who have been there before: there is an old saying i can not remember where i heard it but it goes ‘ no man is your friend, no man is your enemy, every man is your teacher’, and basically my interpretation of it is you can learn from any and everyone, and that is what i did i did my own research and reached out to anyone with knowledge about anxiety and panic attack’s and see what they knew about it that i didn’t. i am not writing this to gloat i am writing this so that if even 1 person out there who thinks there is no way out or that life can never go back to ‘normal’ i am living proof that there is, better days are ahead. i hope anyone reading this might find it usually or insightful and if you have any questions leave them below and i will try my best to answer as best as i can.",Anxiety
+"felt horrible when i read the news, with the fears that many have about potential war. although i live in australia, i’m still scared about the outcomes. speaking to my dad, he reassures me this isn’t a global conflict (china and russia, and other major players being unlikely to join the war). nevertheless, i understand even a war between iran and the us wouldn’t impact me definitively but the fear of escalation is still tingling me even after the initial shock. i feel like i felt when i heard about the india/pakistan news a couple months ago. the same feeling of when ww3 was trending on twitter a couple years ago. knowing those have not led to the wars that people perhaps fear-mongered about is some respite from the aftermath of the panic. don’t know if i’m looking for people to tell me it’s alright, telling me the straight truth or telling me a white lie to feel better (what i think my dad does at times, or others in other posts). the rational part of me tells me not to worry about this, as even if it eventuates to my worst fears, i’ll be worrying about it twice. with a pretty important interview in a couple of days, i’m trying to stick that, but not sure how i’ll cope as more news comes out (although i’m making myself keep off it).",Anxiety
+"so i am starting to venture out of the house after having a very hard time leaving my 2 floor walkup apartment for almost a year now. tonight i accomplished getting to my favorite bookstore which is just around the corner for the first time since last spring! and guess what? here's what happened: i didn't faint. i didn't die. i didn't let lightheadedness/dizziness/depersonalization and derealization stop me from having a great night out! i got to speak to some friends i haven't seen in months. bought myself some books because i can, and can't wait to read them! and my husband who was with me got me a beautiful dreamcatcher that was hanging in the window that has actual carnelian crystals (one of my faves!) in it! this is after about a year (and more) of intense depression and anxiety. (my best friend had died, parents moved away.) thank goodness for my husband who is my soul mate and best friend! (couldn't have done it without him!) recently, i started pushing myself to get outside more and more every day. today was a major milestone! spoke to people on the street. got myself some gifts. felt like my ""old self"". super freaking refreshing. just wanted to share w y'all that there is hope for us and the world!",Anxiety
+"today was a really really good day, i left my house for like 11 hours!!! i got past my anxiety and just smiled through the day. i'm sitting on my couch right now after a long day away from home and i feel so calm and sort of relieved. i feel happy, happy that this day was actually really good. my god i almost never leave my house and when i do my head turns into chaos but today it was just calmness. i'm so so surprised. most of all i'm proud of myself :d i feel great!!!",Anxiety
+"1. despite the buffoon serving as the american president, there are other elected officials and higher ups whose voices matter too. despite the words coming out of his mouth, he doesn't have a giant dashboard of buttons he can shoot missiles out of. stop watching so many movies. 2. war is costly. nobody wants it, and all the tough talk is just a big pissing contest. north korea would lose hard despite their big words. 3. civilian deaths are a big no-no for everyone, civilians' voices matter too, especially since many have international business relations. 4. despite what the media and the commenters on r/worldnews say, north korea sucks at launching missiles as a whole. they have failed to target multiple times. 5. look to the past. north korea has previously threatened both guam and hawaii, and is no stranger to threats. worse situations have happened in the past. just to list a few: the cuban missile crisis, the cold war, etc. and yet we are all still here. while the situation isn't a good thing, you and your friends will be fine. carry on with your daily lives.",Anxiety
+"this should be a celebratory post but i've spent two days awake, shaking, throwing up or otherwise... i don't know if i can do it but i can't live the hell of staying in our 1 bedroom apartment any longer. i got hired at an oil and vinegar bar, and i really want to work there because i cook a lot and adore olive oil and i buy their products, but they want me to be a hard salesman, pull people in, explain a whole spiel about the chemistry and benefits of oil... and i'm dying inside tonight. the owner seems adamant about good training and told me not to spew bullshit if i didn't know it, cause you could be talking to a chemist and you might sound dumb, and i can't get that off my mind. except when i shopped there i dreaded when the employees bombed me with information. so yeah, i work at 2 tomorrow expecting to not last the 2 week probation period. everything i'm studying just gets lost in my head and i retreat back to my no window bedroom calm down. but i can't lose my car or stay in this house.",Anxiety
+"as soon as i'm with a group i'm awkward and quiet. if i tell a story and more than one person is looking at me and listening, i become incredibly anxious. worst of all, my face becomes red as a tomato. it's so annoying. i absolutely dread having lunch with my coworkers but i would be happy to have a friendly, quiet lunch with one other person. in a group, i always end up being the person who talks the least. i wish i could just be a normal, social human. i just dislike being in a group of people, it makes me so uncomfortable.",Anxiety
+i'm taking an online class this semester and i emailed the professor on how to start the class and i'm worried to open it because i don't wanna feel stupid... i always feel this way about formal emails/phone calls i don't know what to do..,Anxiety
+"i was able to use self talk to help me calm down and realize everything would be ok. it was an extreme panic attack. i was vomitting, dry heaving, shaking, felt like i was losing my mind, and just overall felt like it'd never end. it lasted a good couple of hours but i finally got through to myself and breathed and comforted myself.",Anxiety
+"for the second time this year, i finished a major project for work, but instead of feeling relieved, i feel totally wound up. this is the side of anxiety that's so hard to explain to people who've never felt it: there is nothing wrong. nothing that needs to be done immediately. no deadlines. no projects at home. yet here i sit, my heart pounding and my mind haunted by a specter of dread. i try to take my mind off it by playing a computer game. but then i feel like i am putting of work. so i sit down to do work, but then i realize i am between projects. so i go outside to sit and relax. and my mind says, ""what are you just sitting around for?? there's so much to be done!"" my brain never turns off. it just keeps pecking at my sense of calm. don't stop working...you'll fall behind. don't take a break...there's more to do. don't eat out of boredom...you'll get fat. don't start that building project...you won't have time to finish it. people worry about something and say, ""oh, i have such anxiety!"" maybe you are anxious. but you do not have anxiety. anxiety is this unwelcome guest that stays in your bed with you, and follows you to work, and to the movies, and to the gym. and you beg it to go away. and when you think it has, you feel like something is missing...a part of you. and your chest tightens again, and the dread creeps back, and anxiety says, ""jk! i never left. i just wanted you to know how much you need me."" i don't need it. but i have it. and goddamn but how i want to get rid of it...",Anxiety
+after having anxiety for as long as i can remember i finally started opening up about how i was feeling and got to a doctor. it's been one year on antidepressants and i feel fucking amazing. they have been life changing. i haven't had a panic attack in a long time and i feel like i can finally live my life how i want to. yes i still have some anxiety here and there but fuck has it changed. instead of feeling like i'm dying everytime i'm anxious and feeling like the whole world is against me i feel like i can manage it and over come it. just a happy story for ya. hope it gives you some motivation to get the help you deserve.,Anxiety
+for tge first time in my life i phisically approached a woman and asked her if she wanted to go on a date. she said no. but i asked :d me: 1 anxiety: {infinite},Anxiety
+"everything has become too much and my panic disorder and health problems are making it impossible for me to work. i'm so scared of telling my boss. i'm so sick to my stomach, but i have to do this. i've been missing so much work and been so sick. i'm supposed to do this in about 45 minutes and i feel like my stomach is going to explode. please send good vibes my way. this is not a choice i'm making lightly or without support or discussion, but it still doesnt make it any less difficult to give up my source of income, even if it's to improve my wellbeing.",Anxiety
+"i’ve been working for about 7 months, this is the longest i have held down a job. i’ve gotten a car and started driving for the first time and going places by myself, i’ve made friends and have learned how to talk to people better, i’ve opened my first credit card and started keeping track of bills. i’m still somewhat anxious but have learned to control it better, i’m currently struggling a little bit as a new driver but i’m sure i’ll get the hang of it. i just thought i’d share for anyone who is still struggling. 7 months ago i was completely lost and now i know what’s best for me.",Anxiety
+"there was this kid when my husband and i went to see a movie yesterday that would not stop talking. he would talk every 5 minutes about what was happening or what new character came on screen... and i could tell that others around me were annoyed as well. his parents said nothing to him. it took me two hours to mentally prepare myself, but i looked behind me and asked him to please stop talking. he said ""okay, sorry"" and he actually stopped! i'm so proud of myself, usually i'm not confident enough to do something like that.",Anxiety
+"came across news this morning that hip hop celebrity kid cudi checks himself into rehab for depression and suicidal thoughts. he wrote this letter to his fans where anxiety is mentioned. just wanted to say that none of us are alone in our fight with anxiety. here is the letter: ""its been difficult for me to find the words to what im about to share with you because i feel ashamed. ashamed to be a leader and hero to so many while admitting i’ve been living a lie. it took me a while to get to this place of commitment, but it is something i have to do for myself, my family, my best friend/daughter and all of you, my fans. yesterday i checked myself into rehab for depression and suicidal urges. i am not at peace. i haven’t been since you’ve known me. if i didn’t come here, i wouldve done something to myself. i simply am a damaged human swimming in a pool of emotions everyday of my life. theres a ragin violent storm inside of my heart at all times. idk what peace feels like. idk how to relax. my anxiety and depression have ruled my life for as long as i can remember and i never leave the house because of it. i cant make new friends because of it. i dont trust anyone because of it and im tired of being held back in my life. i deserve to have peace. i deserve to be happy and smiling. why not me? i guess i give so much of myself to others i forgot that i need to show myself some love too. i think i never really knew how. im scared, im sad, i feel like i let a lot of people down and again, im sorry. its time i fix me. im nervous but ima get through this. i wont be around to promote much, but the good folks at republic and my manager dennis will inform you about upcoming releases. the music videos, album release date etc. the album is still on the way. promise. i wanted to square away all the business before i got here so i could focus on my recovery. if all goes well ill be out in time for complexcon and ill be lookin forward to seeing you all there for high fives and hugs. love and light to everyone who has love for me and i am sorry if i let anyone down. i really am sorry. ill be back, stronger, better. reborn. i feel like shit, i feel so ashamed. im sorry. i love you, scott mescudi",Anxiety
+"""the evening is a time to be calm,"" they said. ""monday is the worst part of the week."" i have never related to either of these statements for as long as i can remember. for as long as i can remember, in fact, if it is a sunday night before school, i have had the worst time of my life and never learn my lesson until i am in the moment (for example, right now.) sunday nights are the times that i have had my worst panic attacks and i have come to believe that whatever being may have created this earth, be it humanoid or not, leaves us every sunday night between 6:00pm and the end of my waking hours. i fear that my brain is too small to comprehend the reasons for their foul play.",Anxiety
+"so the title sums it up. i'm almost 28, all my friends are engaged, married or have a clatter of children. i have never even had a boyfriend in my life. i've had ""friend with benefits"" who in reality were not friends and have not benefitted me. i can see now i was used a practice girl before they moved onto women they actually care about. i have social anxiety and hate myself so expect others to hate me too. things like eye contact are very difficult. i use alcohol as a tool to try and be fun but it never really works out. not fishing for compliments here just being straight up : i am not a good looking woman so this also doesn't help. last year i decided to take the plunge and started online dating as i find typing easier than talking. i went on my first ever date last year. i went on a few very unsuccessful ones but eventually found what i'm looking for. he is kind, funny, caring, compassionate and understanding of all my crazy. the first night he put his arms around me i freaked out - no one has ever done that to me before. then i realised what it was and it is the single happiest memory i have. i felt so safe and lucky to be the one he chose in that moment. on the night i plucked up the courage to say ""i love you"" for the first time in my life, he dumped me before i got that far. i'm not angry, i don't blame him, he just didn't feel the same way i do. it's left me absolutely broken. i believe im not good enough for anyone and don't see the point in going on anymore. i just go through the motions every day without feeling anything. i am on meds and see a doctor regularly but nothing helps. i tried counselling and could not talk. i have a history involving suicide and sexual assault and so trust is hard for me. i don't know where to go from here.",Anxiety
+proper hydration by keeping a track of how much water i drank and setting a target for it actually helped my anxiety subside a lot. its as if proper hydration worked better than some medicines. thought might post this here.i use the water drink app to track my intake day to day.it also calculate's how much water my body needs as per height weight air temperature,Anxiety
+"edit: so last i heckled this was at like 40 likes and i thought “well ok. a few people feel like this so that’s nice i’m not alone.” now i know i’m not alone out there in this. thanks for the support, peeps",Anxiety
+"why do i get excited planning an activity but when the time comes to go do it, a switch flips? i suddenly could not be less interested and would 100% more comfortable bailing and staying home. there is no threat, it’s supposed to be fun, so why does the anxiety keep happening? i know i should push through but in the moment i really don’t want to go anymore. i’m going to end up being friendless and agoraphobic",Anxiety
+"i'm having a really weird time right now. i'm going to preface this by saying i make significantly more than a lot of people, but i'm just learning to be responsible with it as of recently. in trying to save towards my goals (studying / teaching in japan) i found that it'd take me about 6 years to save up what'd it'd cost to do it. it's a lowish amount, about 20k, but i learned that my ceo males that in an hour the other day and it's been eating at me. i feel horrible because i just can't get the thought of my dreams and aspirations would take someone else an hour to achieve. just... yeah. sorry to rant. i'm down tonight. going to apply for a few more part time jobs. i hate being impatient like this.",Anxiety
+"so i'm pretty sure i've had anxiety issues since i was a teenager. when i was younger, i just thought some people were like that and it was a personality quirk. i can't even describe how little faith i have in my ability to do anything. i constantly worry that i'm doing the wrong thing. i have been having a particularly tough year (a brother with a terminal illness, career challenges, my own chronic illness, other stuff), and the anxiety i've been dealing with has been making it hard for me to function on a daily basis. after some urging from my husband and friends, i decided it was time to seek help. i never had anything against therapy, i just know that it takes a lot for me to trust someone and i was skeptical about how it would work for me. given all of the coronavirus stuff, i knew i wasn't going to be able to visit a new therapist at an office, so i looked into some apps and decided to try out betterhelp. i was matched with a therapist and we messaged a few times. it felt awkward, but i thought doing a live session would be better so i booked one. it was terrible. she showed up 10 minutes late to a 30 minute session and took forever between the shallow responses she was giving me. i told her about my brother who is fighting cancer before the live session, and she honestly asked about him and his support system more than she asked about me (which is important and important to me, but i feel like that should be saved for his therapy). i'm just so disappointed. it took so much for me to feel ready to get help, and i feel like i took a huge step back. i feel like there's no hope for me to feel better. i feel completely overwhelmed all of the time and somehow i'm still letting everyone down. i know it's ridiculous, but i feel like i couldn't even get therapy right. sorry for venting.",Anxiety
+my anxiety has been so bad lately that i'm worried i will have panic attacks at the airport. i'm worried about having to interact with people and being alone while doing so...,Anxiety
+"i took the first step. i’ve been struggling so much for the past few months. it’s gotten to the point that i’m barely sleeping and when i do, i have insane nightmares. a couple weeks ago i booked a therapy appointment and it was today. i stood outside the building and came very close to just leaving because the idea of opening up about what i’m struggling with just seemed so overwhelming. i even started walking away, deciding i couldn’t do it. but 5 minutes after the appointment was set to begin, i went back, and i’m so glad i did. it was just the first appointment so it was a lot of sharing what i’m struggling with, but even just talking about it in a judgement-free zone has made me feel like a small piece of the weight has been lifted. and i’m so excited to continue on this process. what i’m trying to say is; if you’re wondering if you should start looking for a therapist, do it. if you’ve found a therapist that seems interesting but you’re not sure if you should reach out, do it. if you’ve made an appointment but you’re not sure if you should attend, attend it. and if you’re standing outside wondering if you should go in, go in. it will help, i promise.",Anxiety
+"i love my girlfriend more than anything in the world. shes seriously my everything. she helps me so much with my problems and she is the most caring person ever. however, i get so much fucking anxiety from being in a relationship. i get so much anxiety when she goes out and stuff. i get so much anxiety that shes going to fall out of love with me, or meet someone else, or cheat on me. i wish i could just be happy in a relationship instead i just stress. does this happen to anyone else?",Anxiety
+"anyone else deal with this? in short, i always envision these scenarios that are horrible in my head. i envision them even when the facts i'm presented with don't back them up. i could even have the people involved in these scenarios tell me things are cool, yet i still can't get over these thoughts. they're a ridiculous burden. here's a perfect example, i'm self employed. yesterday morning i had a client question some work i did for him, he asked me to put together an email explaining things. i said i would and i did; i sent him the email yesterday. this morning i followed up with him. his exact words to me, ""everything makes sense to me. thank you. i'll pass it along and it'll make sense to them too."" that should, realistically, be the end of my thinking. the guy i was worrying about just told me everything was fine and that what i said made sense. instead of relaxing, i think these things : - ""he's not telling the truth, he's conspiring against me and just wants to make me feel safe. they're secretly unhappy and questioning me."" - ""his company is going to sue me, they're talking about going after me and just not telling me."" *i then begin to play out these overly detailed lawsuits in my head, even going through the conversations i would have with him about the lawsuit.* - ""he's going to drag my name through the mud and my business will go under."" - ""when my business goes under it's going to hurt my marriage, and my wife won't be happy ..."" i could go on and on. i literally had to sit on my couch last night trying to calm myself down because of this. all of this is stuff i build up, i know this, yet i can't deal with it rationally. i know full well that the facts i have don't back up my ridiculous thinking, yet it doesn't go away. anyone else deal with this? how do you manage/cope?",Anxiety
+"i'm a programmer who just started working at a tech startup. i've also been working with a therapist to help manage my panic disorder for a few years. this job is not at all what i expected. i was told that it had a pretty good work-life balance, but for the last 2 months we've been expected to get in at 9 and work until much later than 9 in the evening. lots of people are sleeping in the office because they have to stay in so late, and when people start leaving for the night, the ceo sends out emails about how if we worked smarter we wouldn't have to work so late, and that he expects to see everyone giving 110% first thing in the morning. because of the hours i haven't been able to see my family or girlfriend very much since i started. i've also been dealing with some insurance issues (on my therapist's side, our company hr has done everything right) and that's made things worse. i've been having panic attacks most days in the office and today i had one at the thought of going back in to deal with this stuff again tomorrow. i know that something needs to change here but i don't have any faith that it will. from what i've heard, the ceo won't approve any new hires because he sincerely thinks that we can get everything done in a 9-5 work week. i don't really know what to do. i'm not sure if i'm mishandling things because i haven't seen my therapist in a while and i don't know how to bring this up with my boss. i've heard from him that people are wondering why i got to leave early for my therapy appointments (when i had them) and they seem unwilling to discuss accommodations. i don't know how to handle this situation and i don't know what to do if i get fired. can anyone help me?",Anxiety
+"hello all, i'm currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years. sometimes, i get so overwhelmed by how happy he makes me and how much i love him, that i get terrified. for some reason i feel like what we have is too good to be true, and i feel like the universe is going to try to get back at me, and something tragic is going to happen to him. i always have intrusive thoughts about him getting killed, or getting in an accident. it's awful and sometimes it prevents from being fully present in the relationship. sometimes it keeps me up at night. has anyone ever felt something similar? (also: my anxiety+depression is the most manageable it has been in years. i have been taking zoloft for about 2 months now, and i've never felt better. however, i still have a lot of worries about certain things, like my boyfriend's safety for example, that haven't completely gone away. thanks for any advice guys.)",Anxiety
+"i was on lexapro for a couple years and it never did much for me. i'm finally on the right combination and it has completely changed my outlook in the last month. i genuinely cried the other day just thinking about how much my anxiety has decreased. it made life bearable and made my depression possible to tackle. life style changes are also a big part of my change. i exercise regularly, have a decent social life, found a job and am attending college. i didn't even know it was possible to feel this normal. it feels fucking great. please consider medication. i had my doubts too, but if your brain is firing too much and causing anxiety, meds are made to calm your ass down. i love you all.",Anxiety
+"""hey, it's monday! time to go to work! here... enjoy this feeling like it's your first day ever doing this."" ""but i've done this for almost a year? and i've got a degree in my field..."" ""don't care! time to doubt your ability, worry about what people think about you, be anxious that you're already in trouble for something you have no idea what you could have possibly did, and dread your impending failure."" ""but i can do this... i'm good at this. sure, i have my struggles but i..."" ""nope. impendiiiiiiiing dooooooooom!!!"" ""...""",Anxiety
+"i am 17 years old and i will be needing to get a job in the summer. i have so much social anxiety. i stutter when i am nervous, may forget what to say or move alot. i am mostly afraid if i embarrass myself in front of everyone.",Anxiety
+"like, i can't even leave the house or do anything outside of the house the day before i have to work because my anxiety tells me there is no point. it is hard to explain..but i just feel i can't do anything the day before work because i will be too stressed and anxious about work the next day and if i went out of the house to do anything, i would be constantly looking at my watch to see how long is left until i have to work (18 hours, 12 hours etc.) and feel sick with anxiety. by staying in i can try and maintain a routine that helps me, but it is becoming harder as now it is creeping into my saturdays and i am beginning to not want to go out on saturdays now either. it is so hard to explain why i do this, i am not even sure. people are starting to notice. does anyone else experience this and have found any ways to manage this?",Anxiety
+"so i managed to do my first proper run just now, and my mind feels so clear i almost can't believe it. just wanted to share! stay strong you guys! <3",Anxiety
+"don't you love it when your anxiety decides to fill your head with sudden scenarios that keep you from sleeping.. even better when you struggle to sleep anyway, it's the real cherry on top. i use to picture anxiety as this frightening creature and now it's just an annoying little pest that constantly prods to try get a reaction.",Anxiety
+"i’ve had anxiety for around 6 years now, sometimes it is more debilitating than others and i’ve had a phobia of choking on my food for the past 3 years. eating out tends to be a really difficult process for me even when i’m in company i’m comfortable with, i’ll often end up giving up and not finishing my meal because i think i’m going to choke on every mouthful. i’ve never eaten in a restaurant on my own in my life. today though i thought “fuck it” i’m not living my life around this fear anymore, so i popped into a small thai restaurant near my home for lunch. i sat at my table and i ordered some food and i ate. it was overwhelmingly liberating, i could have cried. it wasn’t easy to eat but i finished my plate and i’ve never been more proud of myself.",Anxiety
+"my worst case of anxiety i can remember was when i was 19 (29 now), and just like when i was 19 i am living with my father again for the first time in 10 years. i have been nearly*** anxiety attack free since i moved out of his place when i lived in ny. and felt even better when i moved to south florida. i started a whole new life alone which is something i never ever thought i could do. but my father has fallen on hard times, jobless and 62 he needed somewhere to stay. i have (had) a spare bedroom so i invited him down to stay with me and try to find work here. meanwhile i am supporting him financially which isn't my biggest bother. the problem is my anxiety i felt when i was 19 seems to be resurfacing. the strangest thing about it though, is when i feel like i'm on the verge of having an episode i see him as my safe person. though it seems he might be the reason for it in the first place. this strange phenomenon is something i just need to deal with for now, as his job hunt isn't going very well. i'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. tldr; my dad is the cause of my anxiety, but also my safe person when i feel like i'm having an anxiety attack 🤔",Anxiety
+"i feel like i've become a shit ton better as a person, but there are those nights that make me relive all those bad moments and i beat myself up so much that i get seriously messed up. what i wouldn't give to go back and do it all over the right way again..that way, i might've made better friends who would've lasted through maybe? or maybe these experiences, they've made me better as a person? they've shaped me? i dont know at this point.",Anxiety
+"so when i start to feel anxious i get snappy as i try to sort myself out, doesn't help that i feel and often become physically sick so i try to control that but what with the shaking and staring into space i get kinda angry, don't mean it and hate to do it but after people seem to understand, does anyone else get this?",Anxiety
+"but i just got home from a date... something that i've been putting off for the past 6 or 7 months, either sabotaging myself or coming up with excuses not to go out with someone. it was all anxiety. the date wasn't even that great and i'm not sure if i'll see her again, but it doesn't matter. i fucking did it. so maybe i'll stick with lexapro.",Anxiety
+"i was nervous and had an anxiety attack before class and on my way. i took deep breaths, got up there and did it! i was a little shaky, but i did it and i passed! i feel so accomplished today. i even went out of my comfort zone and raised me hand to answer a question in class when the rest of the students didn't. my answer was for the most part correct ... regardless i am still proud because i didn't have much knowledge on the topic !!! yay!",Anxiety
+"i started sleeping with a stuffed animal a little over a year ago because i started having trouble going to sleep do to my anxiety. i am 21, and still feel weird about sleeping with my dragon or wonder women bear every night. i now can't sleep without a stuffed animal, but i feel that it does make me feel safe, and less anxious when my anxiety is really bad. does anyone else sleep with a stuffed animal?",Anxiety
+like i hate it for two reasons because first of all it either emasculating or infantilising. and second it implies that im not doing my best or at the least not trying or sometimes it comes off as someone making light of my feelings.,Anxiety
+"seriously. a minute ago, i was shoveling food into my mouth. i felt like i had a billion things to do at the moment, even though in reality i had a lot of time to do those things. i felt light headed and my heart was racing. in the moment i realized that there was no point in rushing and decided to take my time eating. as soon as i started to slow down, my anxiety instantly improved. i didn't feel 100%, but i felt more calm and less overwhelmed than before. it's weird how a simple thing like eating slowly can change things up. (forgive me if this is an obvious lpt. it's certainly not new because i've been told it countless times, but i've often overlooked it. hopefully this will help those of you who overlooked it as i have.)",Anxiety
+"**eating clean** this has had a huge impact on me. eat eggs, salad, chicken, salmon, brown rice. stop eating crap every day. you can still eat bad food, just eat less of it. make bad food the exception, not the rule. **exercising** try to get some kind of exercise in at least once a day, it's incredibly helpful for your brain. i lost close to 100lbs and now i'm in great shape. remember, you don't burn fat, you exhale it. find an exercise that will elevate your heart rate and get you exhaling more. **resting** don't forget to get your rest, try to sleep 8 hours a day. i've found this is also incredibly important for my brain. **becoming more goal oriented** having something to work towards can often take your mind off the things that are worrying you. **less social media** spend less time on social media in general. go outside and enjoy the world! these may seem stupid and simple, but they have worked for me and i wanted to share.",Anxiety
+"i'm a 21 year old female brit who voted remain in the referendum because i was terrified about what might happen if we left. now we've left and i'm even more scared. my anxiety is through the roof and i feel like we're all guna die. i'm trying to buy a house, what if the market screws up? what if we cant get any jobs? what if we lose the nhs!? someone please talk me down.",Anxiety
+"i feel so proud of myself. after having severe dental phobia and avoiding cleanings for years, a little tooth chip forced me to see a dentist. he checked out my tooth and told me to take it easy with hard foods for a few weeks but that it was all good. he then suggested a deep cleaning to help my mouth overall and make sure the tooth healed. i was terrified. but i said yes. it wasn't bad at all, and this dentist is honestly one of the nicest people i've met in my life. i'm literally looking forward to my followup. i feel pretty proud of myself.",Anxiety
+"the feeling can get pretty intense. i can think of several ways to describe it. dazed, foggy, stoned, out of it, etc but it's almost like that feeling you get if you cross your eyes (but not as intense). i've been going through a lot lately and my anxiety has it the roof.",Anxiety
+i do this a lot. whenever i post something on reddit i don't go on the site again for a while because i'm too scared to see what people commented on it. i'm super worried about what people will say about my post and i've deleted some of them because i was so apprehensive. i know i shouldn't be worried but i always end up worrying.,Anxiety
+"sounds conceited, but i am. and nobody to talk to about it. kids dad ended up getting a damn dui with our two kids in the car. 😡 cys (child protective services) ended up coming to my house to talk to me and the kids about it. knew they were coming for awhile, was 100% miserable and dreading it. non stop panic and over thinking constantly. they came yesterday, and i did great! didn't stutter or nervously fidget. even managed some eye contact. which is big for me with complete strangers. she was kind and i didn't even cry. everything is fine now. it wasn't as hard as i thought it was! :,) to do something that makes me proud of me... im in a happy daze. now if only i can be brave enough to leave this post up.. lol",Anxiety
+"get off the phone, get off twitter, get off the computer, get off reddit, turn off the news, get off whatever you gotta. do whatever you got to to avoid the fear mongers and to keep yourself calm. throughout the syria bombing a while back and this i’ve found that being on the internet makes it worse and people go into hysterics over nothing. get off here and go for a drive, go shopping, go do something to get your mind off of it. turn off all the bad stuff that’s pushing you down and go out and get some fresh air.",Anxiety
+"i thought i was having a great time being myself and having fun but now, afterwards, i regret everything i did and said. i hate myself for how i acted and what i must have looked like. i want comfort and reassurance, but i am alone. this post is my comfort. knowing you are here with me as you read this. knowing you know what it is like to doubt yourself. wanting to go back and just try one more time and you'll do better. you won't be so you, so embarrassing and obvious. you won't be so eager for attention and overbearing. you won't feel like every part of you is just screaming for a sign of love but even if you saw it, you wouldn't understand it. thanks for being here with me, for having a broken heart with me, and wishing for just a little bit more with me.",Anxiety
+"so if you’re reading this and currently in the midst of an anxiety disorder, let me start by saying i know how you feel. i’ve had panic attacks where the adrenaline rushes just don’t stop, i’ve been nauseated and unable to eat or drink for days on end, i’ve felt so short of breath it was like drowning above water, had the jitters and the lump in my throat. i’ve also had all of the uncomfortable mental symptoms. i’ve dissociated for almost a full day multiple times, i’ve had racing, intrusive thoughts that lasted weeks and sometimes months at a time. and i’ve felt like i was going crazy. a lot. but i’m here to tell you my struggle with my anxiety disorder is over. after almost a year of conscious and concerted effort, all of the worst symptoms of my anxiety are completely gone. some of the more mild ones still appear from time to time; i’ll get fatigued or dizzy/foggy maybe once every few weeks, but this happens so infrequently (and becomes less frequent with each occurrence) that it doesn’t really bug me. i was also on medication (an ssri since day one and a benzo for the first few months) and am in the process of tapering off . so i wanted to write a post about how to get over each stage of your anxiety, mainly because i know i really would have appreciated this kind of guidance when i first sought help in late april of last year. if you want a summary of things you can do regardless of what stage you’re at, scroll to the bottom and check the paragraph in bold. i don’t discuss responses to specific symptoms here, just a general approach. if you’re looking for tactics for specific symptoms, check out the list of books i left in the second section. i think the first one does a particularly good job of addressing every symptom, but you can try the third if you don’t feel it makes enough of a difference. before you read, i want to mention something once so i don’t have to later on. recovery is going to be like a rollercoaster. some days you’ll feel like you made incredible progress, and others you’ll have difficulty even doing simple tasks. it’s going to be a lot of two steps forward, one step back. sometimes it’ll even be two steps forward, two steps back. but even those times are okay, because they serve as proof that you are capable of improving. just know that once you start to give effort, things will start gradually getting better. so here it is. my comprehensive guide to recovering from an anxiety disorder. if you’re at a constant 9/10 - 10/10 anxiety and can’t calm down: at this stage, you’re either in the middle of panic attack (which lasts up to 60 minutes) or you have gad and are constantly anxious. i was diagnosed with gad and pure-o but i’ve had maaaaaany panic attacks, so i know this advice will work for both. **1.** stop trying to fight your anxiety symptoms. understand that the best thing you can do for your body right now is just let it run its course. this is the basis of acceptance and commitment therapy (act) which is one of the types of therapy currently used to treat anxiety disorders. to do this: * don’t try to stop any symptoms you are experiencing. this is infinitely easier said than done at first, but with practice you’ll be able to pick this up fairly quickly. when i was first having constant adrenaline rushes, i kept trying to consciously stop them. this was actually making things worse. the more you try to fight your symptoms, the more worried you become, which in turn causes your system to release more of the stress-causing hormones, causing your symptoms to become worse. the best thing you can do at this point is wait it out and let your body tire itself out. * questions, doubts, and fear will come up. when they do, remind yourself that this is a totally normal process that your body is going through, and try to rest in the anxiety. it may be difficult, but try to ease into the symptoms. this was initially what helped my adrenaline rushes decrease in severity and frequency. * if this isn’t working and you find your symptoms are still persisting and won’t stop, ask for more. as the dare response (discussed later) puts it, run towards your symptoms. if you’ve ever read a book on act, this step is likely in there. when you ask your body to make your symptoms worse, you’ll find it can’t. the symptoms of anxiety are driven by a subconscious worry, and not something you can control. keep running towards it until your symptoms gradually begin to ease, then move on to step 2. in case you’re interested, the clinical term for this is “arousal reappraisal.” it’s not discussed very often, but i found it to be very helpful. **2.** do anything you possibly can to get your mind off of the anxiety. in older forms of anxiety treatment, this kind of thing was referred to as a distraction tactic, but in the dare response, barry mcdonagh calls it being “engaged.” this basically means do whatever you can to focus your mind on something other than your anxiety. regardless of what level of anxiety you’re at, this is incredibly important. **your anxiety is most easily fueled when you focus on it, so do whatever you can to move your attention to something else.** again, much easier said than done, and your mind will fight you at every stage. but it’s an integral part of recovery. when i first started out, i found short activities the most helpful, like picking up my guitar/cajon and playing a song or two, or doing homework. **3.** give it time. your system can’t sustain anxiety levels this high for an extended period of time unless you consciously fuel it. if you are properly easing into your symptoms and engaging yourself in other activities you’ll eventually calm down to the next phase of anxiety recovery. **4.** if recommended by your physician, a benzo might help. benzos are basically nervous system relaxants, but they’re no magic pill. when i took my first dose of valium, i didn’t feel a thing. it took a few days of constant dosing to see any effect. benzos are fine to use in the very beginning, but i will issue a warning about them: try to use them as sparingly as possible. benzos are not meant to be used in the long term, and if the first thing you do when feeling anxious is reach for your benzo, you’ll have real difficulty recovering in the later stages. but since at this point, you’re in a constant state of panic, they’re a great way to ease you down to the next lowest stage of anxiety, so you can start focusing on the long term. **5.** journal. i don’t recommend this as much beyond this stage, as i’ve found it doesn’t really help all that much. but in the beginning stages of my experience with gad, i found journaling to be an indispensable asset to really figure out what i was going through. just write out whatever you’re thinking or feeling. it’s a great what to get out of your head for at least a little bit. **6.** get up and do something to release all your pent up adrenaline. walk around the block, take a stretch break at work. you don’t need to be doing a full workout at this point, just something to help you use the jitters and adrenaline you’re getting for something productive. **7.** this one may seem rather minor, but it helped me a lot in the beginning: fix your posture. it’s much easier to feel short of breath when you’re in a position that doesn’t let you breath easily. if you’re lying down, lay on your back. if you’re sitting, sit up straight. once you’ve thoroughly calmed down from this point (this took me about three or four weeks), you can move on to the next step. constant 6 - 8/10 with occasional panic attacks: if you’re at this phase, you are probably still experiencing physical manifestations of your anxiety, like jitters, nausea, jelly legs, shortness of breath, and so on. but you’re not in constant freakout mode anymore. you can make logical decisions aimed more at long term recovery because rather than being focused on your anxiety 100% of the time, you pay attention to it 80 - 90% of the time. you may be leaving the house occasionally but your symptoms are still bad enough that they keep you at home most of the time. so here’s what to do at this stage: **1. start reading or listening to books on what you’re going through**. the more you understand the subtleties of what’s going on in your brain and body, the better you’ll be able fix them. read up on therapy techniques as they’ll be your quickest route to recovery. in the end, this ended up being the single most helpful thing for my recovery. when you’re knowledgeable of exactly what is at your disposal, you can try everything and see what works best for you. in fact, i found really helpful ideas in books that none of my therapists had even heard of. like your anxiety, the list of books that will be the most helpful for you is very personalized, but here are my recommendations (all of these books are available on audible, which is how i consumed them): * the dare response. phenomenal book written by someone who’s been through the worst parts of anxiety and paved his own path to recovery. his techniques are a combination between act and a little cbt. i would especially recommend this book if you’re at the higher end of the anxiety scale. * feeling good: the new mood therapy. this book is considered the gold standard of cbt. it’s aimed at treating depression, but (as the author notes) it works for anxiety as well. i listened to the whole thing, then picked out the chapters i thought applied to me. it’s long, so i don’t think you need to do the first part, but there’s a lot of valuable information in this book that a lot of other books skim over. * rewire your anxious brain. this one is 1/4 cbt, 1/4 lifestyle guidance, and half about the neuroscience behind anxiety. i like this one a lot because it gets into some of the mechanics of why we feel the way we do, and why therapy and lifestyle changes are so impactful. * the subtle art of not giving a fuck. this one has been mentioned on this subreddit several times before, and i really like it. it serves as a great reminder of why some things in life just aren’t worth giving a fuck about. fair warning: mark manson describes ocd as “an incurable disease” in this book. he’s not a doctor or therapist and isn’t really knowledgeable on the subject, so i’d take that section with a grain of salt. but the message he drives home at the end is really good regardless. remember, the point of these books isn’t to give you step by step instructions on how to get better. rather they are there to give you ideas on how to best help yourself. **2.** get into therapy. this is perhaps the second most important things you can do for yourself behind reading. therapy is the first line of treatment for anxiety, and for good reason. once you find a therapist who you work well with, you’ll notice you progress much more quickly. some things to look out for when you screen your therapist: * are they nice? kind of an obvious one but worth going over. do you feel like they take what you’re saying seriously? are their answers usually thoughtful and caring? * are they experienced? my first therapist was tremendously nice and caring, but he didn’t know much about anxiety treatment beyond the very basics, like square breathing. * are they accessible? or do you have to drive two hours to see them? are they available for weekly sessions or can you only see them once a month? it may take a while until you find a therapist who’s right for you, but this is a person you’ll be meeting with multiple times a month for several months/years. i would advise giving your therapist at least three or four sessions before you consider switching to a new one. **3.** continue with all the acceptance techniques outlined in the previous section. these are things that i remind myself of even now. the more open you are towards your anxiety symptoms, the more quickly they’ll dissipate. in addition, if you can, start easing off your benzo a little bit. if you’re taking it three times a day, try to move down to two. if you’re down to two a day, try one. **4.** start making some lifestyle changes that are proven to help with anxiety in the long term: * cardiovascular exercise. it’s said that exercise is one of the most positive things to improve mood when you’re anxious, but i’d like to look at it from the opposite perspective. when you’re anxious, your body is filled with excess adrenaline that keeps building up. if you don’t dump it out somehow, the symptoms will inevitably get worse. so getting up from your desk or your bed is one of the most effective things you can do to help yourself in the long term. if you’re not super exercise savvy, my suggestion is to get out and walk, jogging occasionally. walking is great for releasing excess energy, but you can boost the speed at which you let off adrenaline by running. you don’t need to do sprints whenever you run, but you’ll get the most out of your exercise if you really challenge yourself each time. more on this later. * meditation. the reason so many people say this is so good for anxiety is because it helps you better come to terms with your symptoms. it also lets you really hone in on some of the less productive thought processes you’re having so you can learn to catch and correct them. keep in mind, the purpose of meditation is not to clear your mind and think of nothing. in fact, it’s almost the opposite. while meditating, your job is to let your body and brain work as normal and merely try to act as a conscious observer of all your thoughts and feelings. a really popular visualization technique for this is thinking of your thoughts as clouds, and you’re just watching them pass by. there is plenty of information out there on how to meditate, and it includes helpful techniques like noting, so i won’t go into it that much here. make sure that your approach to meditation is similar to your approach to exercise: slowly ease into it by doing it for short periods at first, then working up very gradually to longer periods after every couple sessions. i suggest trying out the meditation app calm. * diet. if you’re reading this, you’ve probably read the do’s and don’ts of your diet about a hundred times, but i’ll reiterate quickly here: no caffeine, no alcohol. try your best to avoid excessive sweets and fried foods, and those are shown [1] to worsen your mood in the long term. one of the less known changes you can make to your diet is to include more natural sources of magnesium. it is speculated [2] that magnesium plays a part in anxiety regulation, though the research isn’t entirely there yet. regardless, try to include dark leafy greens like spinach and whole grains like brown rice into your diet to hit this as a staple. you can also take a magnesium supplement (i’ll defer to the dare response for information about it), though again, research is shaky so this alone won’t bring change. * medication. this one will be completely at you/your doctor’s discretion. some people respond well to antidepressants, some don’t. i didn’t feel like they helped me all that much, but you might. note, the purpose of antidepressants isn’t to make you happy or to gradually cure your anxiety. research shows [3] that antidepressants are useful for supplementing long term change in the brain. this is a really important thing to note because it means that antidepressants won’t change anything on their own. only if you give conscious effort will you be able to see positive change. medication only makes it happen more quickly. **5.** give it time. your nervous system doesn’t change overnight. it may need a week or two more before you achieve the results you want. so just keep practicing your therapy techniques and doing everything you know works and push through. once you’ve been at these things for a while, you’ll notice your anxiety start to decrease to the next phase. hovering around 4 - 6: if you’re at this stage, congratulations! the first two stages are really hard to break out of, and if you did, it likely took a tremendous amount of effort. so give yourself a pat on the back. once you’ve reached this stage, your anxiety likely doesn’t manifest itself physically as much. you may still get nauseated occasionally, but most of the time you’re able to eat and drink and (hopefully) sleep through the night. you’ve started reclaiming your normal life. you get out of the house relatively frequently and do things like run errands. but you’re still really anxious whenever you go out. in addition, though your physical symptoms may have eased up, your mental symptoms may still be incredibly difficult to deal with. so here’s what you should do at this stage: **1.** keep staying the course. it’s easy to flounder or stop, and it’s okay if you do. but remember to pick up right where you left off. also, don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. everyone falters from time to time, it’s part of what makes us human. and it’s okay if things are taking longer than you expected. take it from me that if you keep looking for ways you can improve your anxiety and practicing the techniques you know work, things will get better. **2.** keep pushing the envelope. identify areas of your life that you’ve always been anxious about and challenge yourself to use therapy techniques to improve them. i used to beat myself up for being awkward ever since i was a little kid. i’d find flaws in every interaction i had with others and nitpick every little thing. once i started working on this, i noticed not only an improvement in these kinds of situations, but also an improvement in my overall anxiety. this is part of how exposure and response prevention (erp) therapy works. you expose yourself to situations that make your anxiety flare up, and use cbt techniques to curb your conscious worry. an important note about this is **these experiences aren’t meant to be fun**. if you’ve got social anxiety and you’re challenging yourself by going to meet new people, it’ll likely be an uncomfortable experience the first few times. people around you may be having plenty of fun while you keep worrying and criticizing yourself. but you’ll slowly notice improvement, and with time, it’ll become more and more natural over time. **3.** along the same lines, start making your workouts more difficult. run/bike/swim for longer, lift heavier weights. when you’re anxious, you tend to stagnate in certain areas of your life, sometimes without realizing it. the only way to get better is to keep pushing the bounds of what you do. i saw a post on this subreddit a while ago along the lines of “i’ve been lightly jogging for 25 minutes a day for the last month or two, why aren’t i seeing my anxiety improve?” and the answer in this case is because this person wasn’t pushing him/herself. if you continue to do the same things, you shouldn’t expect to see improvement. **4.** start identifying and cutting off some of your crutches/unhealthy habits. for a lot of us (me included), this comes in the form of googling symptoms or constantly asking for help on this subreddit. it’s okay to cave every once in a while at this stage, but you need to consciously stop yourself from constantly asking for help on the internet. one of the things this does is keep you focused on your anxiety, which is exactly what engaging yourself is meant to prevent. i stopped browsing this subreddit for almost a half year, and my condition got much better as a result. if you’re seriously concerned about something, visit your doctor/psychiatrist/therapist and ask them, but once they diagnose you, do not second guess it. i spent my entire college career going to different doctors (i think at least 10 or 11 different types, sometimes multiple doctors of each kind). i was convinced there was something wrong with me that no one could find, but the true culprit was anxiety. if you **feel** like you’re constantly sick or dying, yet doctors can’t find anything wrong, this is a clue that you have an issue with being a hypochondriac. you can go about fixing this the way you did in all areas of your therapy (i personally used the cbt method outlined in feeling good), but the important thing is to recognize that just because your brain is telling you something doesn’t mean it’s true. **5.** give it time. i’ve said it before but it’s important to reiterate. recovering from this stage might take several months, so try your best to be patient. and remember, if things aren’t the way you want them to be now, they will be soon. i think it’s also important to discuss the idea of **cognitive fusion**, which you may have come across in your book reading, as i think understanding it will be really helpful. google defines cognitive fusion as attaching a thought to an experience, but since that’s kind of vague, i’ll give my own definition. cognitive fusion is when you take what your thoughts tell you as fact. in other words, you’re using your thoughts to draw irrational conclusions about the world around you. one example of this is if you’re someone who criticizes themselves too much. you might tell yourself “that conversation was so awkward, so that person must think i’m a loser.” in this case, whether or not the situation was awkward, you don’t know what the other person is thinking. i used to think this a lot until i realized people really didn’t see me that way, and all the worrying i did was for nothing. a healthy level of questioning can do lots to help you overcome your anxiety. at this stage, i had the most trouble with mental symptoms, namely the feeling of going crazy. i thought the little floaters in my eyes were hallucinations, i always second guessed my own sanity, i thought the weird dreams or intrusive thoughts i was having were a sign of schizophrenia, and anytime i was happy, i thought it was a sign of bipolar disorder. this is another great example of cognitive fusion that took me a while to get over: i thought i was going crazy, so to me that was evidence that i really was. if you think this describes you, it might do you well to get into the habit of questioning your thoughts as well. is it more logical that your psychiatrist, therapists, family, and friends are correct when they say you’re not crazy and are just experiencing symptoms of anxiety, or that you’re the one person out of the fifty who’s somehow figured out you’re losing it? this applies to basically every anxious situation you may encounter. remember: **just because you think something doesn’t make it true**. one of the things that took me a long time to realize was that my constant worry over these things was caused by the fact that i was paying so much attention to them. at this point in recovery, it’s absolutely **imperative that you keep yourself occupied, especially when you’re most anxious**. i found that doing things like cooking and cleaning were ways to keep my mind off my anxiety without having to think about it. i suggest doing the same, as they’re both productive and beneficial in the end. eventually, your mind will calm down on its own and you’ll find your own solutions to these symptoms. i find that at this point the really important thing really is time. once i felt like i was going crazy for the hundredth time, i realized that if every time before this one was a false alarm, this one (and all the ones after for that matter) are false alarms too. this stage took about 3 months to recover from, but once i did, i hit the next stage. anxiety is 1 - 3 most days, with some days feeling almost completely anxiety free: you’re in the home stretch. this is it. you’re likely already giving yourself credit for all the hard work you’ve done, but you should still take a moment to recognize just how far you’ve come. for me, having a day where i go out and try something new with friends while anxious is something i wouldn't have been able to do even before my anxiety disorder. certainly not anything i’d ever dreamed of while in the thick of it. seriously, if you’ve hit this point, the light should be at the end of the tunnel. and on the days where it’s a little harder to deal with, let me reassure you: you’re almost home free. note: your symptoms will still be present at this point. some of the intrusive thoughts might still come, sometimes you’ll have a bit of dissociation or an occasional almost-panic attack, but you know how to deal with these things. your moments of panic don’t last more than a few seconds, and your symptoms don’t really illicit a response from you. at this stage: **1.** you know what works best for you. keep doing it. you have your techniques and you’ve clearly demonstrated they work. all that’s left is to keep doing them and reap the rewards you know will come. on the worse days when your anxiety peaks at a 3 or 4, remind yourself where you were several months ago and how you’ll never experience anxiety that bad ever again. then gently engage yourself in something and ride the wave of anxiety until it subsides. **2.** slowly lose your crutches. if you discuss your anxiety with your friends, stop doing so as frequently and eventually stop altogether. if you’re still occasionally taking benzos, slowly taper off. the more of your independence you get back, the more confident you’ll feel. **3.** keep exploring other areas of your life where you’ve had anxiety and use what you’ve learned to stop worrying. for me, this meant things like conquering my fear of heights by going snowboarding, and confronting my discomfort with physical and emotional intimacy by going out of my way to discuss these things. the more of these long-standing anxieties you’re able to ease, the better you’ll feel overall. plus you get the added sense of achievement for doing things that past you would’ve never been able to do. there really isn’t much left to say at this stage. i found myself being discouraged more frequently at this point just because i knew i was so close to the finish line but not quite there. in case you need any encouragement, remind yourself of how well you’ve done so far and that there’s more to come. then finally… no anxiety, with the worst days peaking at a 0.5 or 1: that’s it. all the voices in your head telling you you’re not good enough have gone silent. all those symptoms you used to worry so much about don’t really happen anymore. you might still be a bit fatigued or foggy some days, but most of the time you’re energetic, present, and can confront new challenges with a sense of confidence you’ve never had. it’s been a few months since you’ve even given your anxiety a second thought. you know some of your symptoms might come back for a short spell every once in a while, but you’re not worried about them. you know exactly what to do when that happens, and that they’ll go away just as quickly as they came. i don’t have any advice for this point. you know what got you here and have built up the mental fortitude to know you’ll keep on doing it. congratulations. you understand how amazing it is that you got to this point. remember this feeling. _ my therapist once gave me a great rule of thumb i think sums things up really well: whatever your anxiety is telling you to do, do the opposite. if it’s telling you not to get out of bed, do it. if it’s telling you not to go to a social event, do that. if it’s telling you you’re going to suffer from some grave illness, remind yourself that’s not true. if it’s telling you to google your symptoms or ask for help, don’t. if it’s telling you you’re losing your mind, remind yourself you’re not. give it enough time, and eventually things will get better. **summary:** **ease into your symptoms. remember that it’s just anxiety and can’t do anything other than make you uncomfortable. you’ve been through this a hundred times before and survived every single time.** **don’t fight it. when you fight your anxiety, it only gets worse. so let your anxiety do whatever it wants and just watch as a detached observer.** **keep yourself occupied. the more time you spend thinking about your anxiety, googling your symptoms, posting on this subreddit, writing in your journal, or just stewing in general, the worse off you’ll be. cook, clean, dance, exercise, paint, draw, do anything you can to forcibly rip your mind off your anxiety.** **keep pushing the bounds of what you’re doing. expose yourself to more anxiety. exercise harder. try things you’ve never tried before. make your anxiety flare up as much as possible because you know it’ll only benefit you in the end.** **regularly question your thoughts. just because you think something doesn’t make it true. you’ll find a hundred times out of a hundred the thing you’ve been dreading isn’t half as horrible as your brain has made it out to be.** **give it time. you’ll find once you experience the same anxiety for the same reason for the thousandth time in a row that it becomes a bit easier to stop believing what it tells you.** thank you for reading this. i really hope that, no matter where you’re at in life, you gained something from this. please let me know what parts of this were the most helpful, or if there’s anything you want me to expand upon. i’ll try to respond to comments as best i can, but i work full time and don’t log into this account all that much, so i’m sorry if i don’t get to your comment as quickly as you’d like. sources: 1. 2. 3. listed in rewire your anxious brain. sorry i don’t have the citation offhand. books: edit: sorry if the formatting is a little funky. edit 2: thank you guys for the overwhelmingly positive response! i've read all of your comments and am super happy ya'll found this helpful. i want to remind all of you who are currently going through bouts of anxiety that you absolutely will make it through and that you'll be a much better person for it. keep in mind: anxiety does not define you. an anxiety disorder is not a permanent condition. much like any other illness or disorder, you can take gradual steps to recover. it may not come as quickly as you want and you will encounter plenty of pitfalls. but once you start counting your victories, however small, you'll realize what a **huge** difference your efforts can make. good luck guys :)",Anxiety
+"making friends is something i'm legitimately unable to wrap my head around. even as my social anxiety has lessened, i *cannot* understand how people do it. the only way i've managed to make friends is having people approach me first, and had they not, i would be completely alone. i feel as though i have some developmental disorder because of how socially impaired i am. going up to someone i don't know and talking to them seems impossible to me, unless it's somewhere like a store or restaurant (which i still struggle with from time to time). not knowing how they'll react scares me, and i feel like any attempt i made at conversation with anyone would result in me embarrassing myself and nothing else.",Anxiety
+"when i was about 12 (25 years ago), i used to have this group of friends that i would go out to lunch with to restaurants near school on half days. one day at school, i overheard this one guy who was in the same group ask another guy in the group if i was going to lunch that day. the other guy said no, and the first guy said ""good, because raingodofmorning is so annoying."" then he turned around and saw me, and gave some half-hearted, awkward, non-apology. i've never really gotten over this, and i have a fear of hanging out with people and them secretly wishing i wasn't there because i'm so annoying, but me never knowing about it. and i actually think that i might be pretty annoying to be around. my brain works really, really fast and i have anxiety and adhd, so i talk fast and i can talk a lot. i put a ton of effort into not interrupting, but it's very hard to listen without getting distracted by random thoughts. (i know that everyone does this, and try to remind myself most people aren't paying attention to everything i say, but i feel like an extreme case of this). i have trouble in awkward silences with coworkers not filling the silence, like i never know when to leave someone's office or how to stop talking when someone is in my office--even if i want the person to leave. i don't talk to anyone outside of work except for some out of town friends via text (i type too much there, too). i had some friends i used to hang out with at these gatherings where they'd host people at their house weekly, and i stopped hanging out with them suddenly. i saw them recently when they came by to pick up something from me, and it was a pretty awkward encounter, and they didn't say anything like ""we miss you at the gatherings"" or ""why don't you come anymore?,"" or ""you should come next week,"" or anything, really, outside of a vague ""we should get dinner sometime"" that sounded like the clichéd thing people say when parting, regardless of whether they mean it. this is something i've identified as an external clue (as in, not something from my own head) that they might also find me annoying. i'm not quite sure if i should work on: (a) just accepting that i am an annoying person and being okay with keeping my contact with others limited in order to avoid inadvertently thrusting myself upon a social group one too many times, or (b) if i should work on convincing myself that i'm not annoying, even if it isn't really true. (i do see a therapist. this is one of many issues we work on, but it is very slow going). anyone with similar experiences? any thoughts/advice/opinions (that fit within the rules of this community)?",Anxiety
+"i find that no matter what i write as a reply to someones post on social media (honest, supportive etc..), when a notification pops up saying someone has replied to your comment, i get a wave of nauseous anxiety that makes me think ""what have i said wrong now?"". i can't help it. usually the response is in agreement of reply, but i still get the anxiety each time. usually it stops me from responding to posts, even if i think i have something to contribute to the conversation. does anyone have any tips for improving reaction to this?",Anxiety
+"i don't post on here a whole lot, but when it's really bad i come read your stories. my anxiety is extremely physical. my hands and forehead go numb, i grind my teeth, sharp head aches and blurry vision. i've had two ekg's because i thought i was having a heart attack or a stroke. we all express it in different ways, but it helps me so much just knowing that i'm not alone. i'm not saying i'm happy that you guys also feel bad, i'm just saying it reminds me that i'm human. so yeah. you guys have unknowingly pulled me out of countless full blown panic attacks, and i am more grateful for that than i could possibly say.",Anxiety
+"i'm not going to lie. it was hell. every step of it was panic attacks, fear, and a rollercoaster of emotions. but i did it. and now i have such a massive feeling of relief. it really made clear that the only way to deal with things is literally just to face them head on. i wasn't going to have this amazing new house or job unless i pushed myself through. period. if you're going through something and its hard to follow through, or hard to even start. just try and think about the end goal, not the process. it doesnt make it easy. but it gives you just enough motivation to keep taking one more small step at a time. as dory says, ""just keep swimming"".",Anxiety
+"this is an idea i've been sitting on for about 3 months and now i'm willing to do it. i see posts about people having no friends and how making friends is hard all the time and i get it, i'm in that boat too. so i want to reach out to the people who would like a complete stranger to check up on them at a completely random time over the next 31 days. if you leave your username i'll go through, when i'm bored, and send you a private message asking ""are you ok?"" you can reply with one word, yes or no, or you can spill your guts to me and i'll do my best to give you good advice or at the very least give you a ""fuck that * insert person* for being such a * insert derogatory name.*"" ok that is all :)",Anxiety
+"you know how there is often this sense of fear at the back of your mind? that no matter how well things are going, there is a small voice that says: ""watch out, bad things are happening! never let your guard down!"" that voice is what kept our ancestors alive. our brains have a preprogrammed tendency to pay attention to the negative, to danger and trouble, and that is in part what fuels our anxiety. the good news is that underneath our experience there is also an underlying sense of ok-ness, alrightness. while you may be stressed out or upset, there is a foundation of awareness that runs deeper than any temporary fear, like a quiet sea bed hundred feet below a howling storm. in fact, take a close look at this moment, right now. you are probably alright: no one is attacking you, you are not falling or drowning, there is no immediate crisis. your experience might be far from perfect, and it might include unpleasant thoughts or emotions, but right this moment at least, you are basically okay. there are of course times when you are not okay. sometimes you are in real danger, your body is hurting, someone is mistreating you or your mind is in full panic mode. but i bet that during any given day, you can find a half a dozen or a dozen moments where you can honestly say, ""yeah, right now i'm okay"". notice and savor those experiences! you are not trying to convince yourself of anything or trying to cover of your suffering under a thin varnish of ""positive thinking"". you are simply becoming aware of the fact that you are not under threat, in danger or harmed. experiencing this over time, again and again, will gradually change your brain an help you become calmer and stronger. *adapted from rick hanson's just one thing.*",Anxiety
+"it took longer than most but i did it! i remembered lurking on this subreddit a few months back and reading someone finishing their degree. i didn't think i'd make it this far, honestly. but that post gave me hope when i just wanted to runaway and hide from everyone. the past 10 months had some of my worst anxiety moments in my life. so if you are reading this, please believe in yourself! you can do it! and do not be afraid to open up to people who matter. believe in them believing in you.",Anxiety
+"my wife passed out from a panic attack yesterday in the theatre while we were watching *a quiet place*. i was so scared and didn't know what to do. about an hour into the movie, there's a scene where someone steps on a nail. it wasn't even very gory, but i guess it triggered some bad memories for her. a few seconds after that scene, my wife's arm started twitching kind of like a seizure. at the same time, she started making sounds like she was snoring or maybe choking. when i looked at her, her head was lolled to the side and her eyes were closed. not realizing what was happening, i nudged her a bit, thinking she had fallen asleep. when her head rolled to the other side and there wasn't any other response my concern sky-rocketed. i took her head in my hands and gently shook her a little bit trying to wake her up. her eyes partially opened, and i could see her pupils were looking up like when you roll your eyes. there was no other response. i tilted her head forward and the ""snoring"" sound stopped, but she was still unconscious. at this point, about half a minute or so had passed with her in this state and i thought i had a real medical emergency on my hands. there were only two other people in the theatre with us, and they were a couple rows ahead of us. they glanced back when i started to loudly say, *""are you okay?! honey, are you all right?""* i was about to call 911. with her head in my hands, i placed my mouth against her ear and yelled, *""can you hear me?! honey!?!""* suddenly, there was signs cognition. her eyes opened, and she started breathing very quickly. i'd estimate she was out for about a minute. she glanced around like she was trying to figure out where she was at, and finally seemed to see and recognize me. in between gasps for breath she managed to say, *""i'm having a panic attack.""* up to that point i didn't know what was going on. i was so scared. *""come on, let's go.""* i said. i put my arm under hers and held her tightly as we descended the stairs. she wasn't steady on her feet, and was leaning on me quite a bit. when we finally got out of the theatre she collapsed down on the floor against the wall and kind of rocked a little bit back and forth. *""i... can't... take... visceral horror.""* she said. i just held her; trying to comfort her. after a couple minutes she said she felt well enough to walk, so we walked back to our car. she said she didn't need to go to the hospital. we only live about 5 minutes from the theatre. after we made it home, she said she just needed me to hold her and help her feel safe. i tried to just hold her and comfort her. after about a half hour she was doing better. i felt so helpless when she was unconscious. it's very scary when you suddenly realize your loved one is having a medical emergency. later in the evening, she revealed to me that when she was a teenager, she had an abusive boyfriend that would rape her, cut her with a scalpel, and poke her with needles. sick stuff like that i guess. she wouldn't say much more about it than that. i am angry. not at her, but at the thought some sicko did this to her. and i hurt. i grieve that she has experienced something so traumatic it causes this type of thing. she agreed we will get her into some therapy. she needs healing that i never knew she needed. i also know this isn't about me, but i feel a bit hurt this is just now coming out. we've been married about 5 years, and i never knew this stuff. what else don't i know? i don't know what type of advice i'm looking for. how can i be there for her? how can i help? what do i do if this happens again? did i do the right thing both during and after?",Anxiety
+feel free to message me anytime. i may not always be able to reapond right away but i always respond eventually and i never ghost away. i try my best to hold conversation woth anyone. i love you all.,Anxiety
+"i made the call to a place to finally seek some help. i was honest with the lady on the phone and it felt good knowing that i (we!!!) are not alone in this!! i know i will not always feel like this and i hang on to that thought and for now, that's what is getting me through this tough time. may all who read this know that this too shall pass and if anyone needs someone to talk to, i am here to listen.",Anxiety
+"i had the day off and it was only 30 dollars a day (minus fuel). i drove around all day looking for tough places to parallel park. i switched lanes, i hit the gas, parallel parked some more, tried different things, hard break, tried the abs, changed a tire, changed it back, refuelled, did some more parallel parking, all the while listening to a killer playlist i made especially for that day. i now declare myself free of any driving related anxiety and i recommend it to anyone who feels the way i did. few anxieties are as simple to resolve as this one. all you need is some quality time with the vehicle. edit: i also got completely ass backwards lost and found my way back again via signs alone and even asked some stranger for directions. point is it's a great exercise.",Anxiety
+"when i was younger my sister was seen as the ""pretty"" one and i was seen as the ""smart"" one. now i go to a university full of beautiful pretentious women and it makes me so anxious that i want to kill myself. i also just got out of an abusive relationship where my ex didn't give two shits about me so i'm sure that's contributing as well. nonetheless, i would love some advice or at least hear from other people who have dealt with a similar situation. thanks.",Anxiety
+"after coming home from a nye party where i was strangely pleasant when i sobered up, aka no hangover headache or anything, i had such a nice day traveling home. now two days later i've been sitting in front of my pc a lot since i got home and just before i went up to get some bread and i could feel the discomfort of anxiety again. i'm reminded that inactivity actually creates a lot of tension in the body. i was listening to some music and being by myself i unabashedly made a silly hand gesture to the rythm and i could feel a kind of release from the sense of tenseness. it's just a reminder for all of us i think. it's pretty darn constructive to move your body properly every once in a while if you're usually not very active. whenever the snow passes i want to start jogging again :)",Anxiety
+sometimes i feel like i don't have a personality beyond the anxiety. i've been anxious my whole life. there are so many things that i can't do because of this fucking disorder. it makes me feel so fucking hopeless.,Anxiety
+"i just noticed this a couple of days ago when i was messaging back and forth with my boyfriend the whole day. i had just finished volunteering at a crisis hotline and we we were talking about how i needed a recommendation letter from them for my social work degree program and he was saying ""it sounds like an intense program, but if anyone can do it it's my amazing girlfriend therealtayler."" then i told him i love him and he said ""i love you too my hard-working worker bee."" and immediately a thought pops into my head that says ""he doesn't mean that you know? he doesn't love you."" and everytime after that when we would say i love you to eachother it would just pop back up into my head saying he doesn't love me when i know that he does. we were talking about anniversary plans which is in a couple of weeks and i got this thought that said ""he's going to break up with you way before that."" yesterday my boyfriend got way into this new game he got and he wasn't really paying attention to me or anyone or anything else really which just made more of those negative thoughts pop into my head like he doesn't love me. it was so bad that i couldn't sleep last night. i just need advice i guess.",Anxiety
+"i know it may not seem like a big deal going to the supermarket, but i have severe anxiety issues with going outside and people looking at me. i usually don't go out because i'm not comfortable with how i look and depression tends to make me look more on the unkempt side. i haven't been outside in a while and my mom wanted me to go the supermarket. i gathered my courage and braved it out. i admit i did look a bit not well put together my hair was kind of frizzy and messy. but i did my best to tame it and i was wearing a baggy sweater with sunglasses, but i thought to myself ""i'm just going to the market, not the red carpet"" i almost regretted my decision when i stepped out because i saw lots of people my age and they were well dressed. that gave me a lot of anxiety and i saw some give me weird looks. but i decided to try and not be so sensitive and ignored if i thought they might have looked at me bad or not, since no matter what i look like, i still have a right to be outside and get food. that thinking did help me a lot. i thought i was going to have a panic attack and run back home. but i kept going! i'm not sure when the next time i will go out, but i'm glad i was able to get some food and not care that much of what others thought especially of my looks and kind of go on autopilot mode! since it is kind of rare or maybe i'm just tired of caring so much lol. those with anxiety and struggling with similar issues like me, you can so do it! :)",Anxiety
+"i've had anxiety for some time - but certain things have been more rough lately than normal. i've been getting this lump feeling in my throat. i saw a doctor - and had some x-rays and all of that, and nothing is wrong. they said it could be allergies, but i've read that a lump feeling is a common symptom of anxiety. just feels like someone is pressing against my throat with their thumb, and it comes and goes.",Anxiety
+"original post here: you guys are really kind. thank you for all the supportive comments, they gave me balls. on new year's day i went to work, quite the wreck and he didn't send me a single message. not one. not one line to ask me if i was okay. when he got home i went against my usual thing of avoiding confrontation and i asked him why. why hadn't he even sent a ""you okay?"" he told me it was because he hadn't thought of me. i asked him if he cared. and he said ""i used to care."" so yeah i'm moving out. i am terrified. i spent the entire day low key sobbing at work whilst trying to keep my shit together. panic attack this evening but mild. second panic attack which has drained me and made me sleepy so hey! should sleep well. i have four viewings lined up tomorrow and i've already seen one potential new place. i am scared. i hate the unknown. the insecurity. all of that. but being here is too bad for me.",Anxiety
+"i have what i would call mild social anxiety. basically i'm shy but it really doesn't bother me much. what bothers me is my lack of success with girls. even thinking about it makes me anxious. thinking about the last girl i liked (who is now in a relationship) basically puts me into a panic attack, heart racing, hot face, almost in tears, can't do anything. seeing couples or hearing about them also makes me very anxious. going on things like tinder or facebook to try and get girls makes me really anxious as well. the problem is that this anxiety is so overwhelming that i don't even go on facebook or tinder anymore. it literally ruins my day if i do. but the more i don't socialise the worse this anxiety gets. i feel like i'm in an ever increasing hole. i'm 23 and never had a girlfriend so this might explain why i'm like this. but i don't know what to do to alleviate this. i don't tell anyone about it as it's so pathetic. i don't have a hard life and have no justification to feel this way, but i do. after going on facebook this morning i've been feeling terrible all day. i don't even know why i'm posting this, i just don't know where to go from here.",Anxiety
+"a stigma that i’ve noticed in the mental health community... so many people are happy to talk about it and embrace your differences, but oh no.. don’t have a panic attack in front of them, don’t seek re-assurance from today’s anxious thoughts and jitters. this is something that needs changing. it is more than ok for someone with diabetes to be comforted even when they deliberately let their blood sugar go too low, and then be looked after by people around them. (this was one of my co-workers) but when i struggled with low mood i was told ‘we all have days like that’ ... ‘don’t let customers see you unhappy or uncomfortable’ this is an issue with how subjective everyday anxiety and a chronic mental health issue is, if someone does not understand the effort it takes to behave normally they will default to judging you based on how they deal with it. of course it��s not all bad, i’m lucky to have family and a handful of friends that have seen me go though treatments and recovery so know the full spectrum of my issues and do not judge or baby me. i felt like sharing this little rant to hear your thoughts on if you’ve been accepted or told to ‘hide’ symptoms from the public to spare their discomfort... like your doing it on purpose.",Anxiety
+"after group cbt yesterday i went for a beer on my own and today i went to another anxiety group meetup. i painted a rock lol! starting to feel like i can beat this, or at least have some kind of quality of life with it. just wanted to share cause i'm totally buzzing from it all :)",Anxiety
+"to save you a google search, depersonalization is when a person feels like they are detached from themselves and they are seeing life almost as if they are in a dream. basically, they are very spaced out all the time. i work retail at the moment and while i'm working, i'm almost always either really nervous/anxious or in this dream-like state of mind. i'm so sick of it, man. edit: i don't know why but when i made my title i must've capitalized is and probably on accident. ignore that please, lol.",Anxiety
+"had a horrible panic attack this morning on the subway. i felt it coming, my chest tightened, my vision started blackening and eventually fully went out. i was getting wobbly to a point i felt i might fall over and started moaning/making noises without meaning to trying to calm myself as a sweat broke out over my whole body. a sweet woman noticed i wasn't feeling well and helped me off at the next stop. walked me out of the station to a bench outside and sat with me until i could speak and tell her i was okay. ​ it's been a long time since i've had such a bad attack and my first time in such a crowded place as the nyc subway during morning rush hour, so your kindness was beyond helpful and appreciated. ​ still feeling very foggy and strange but i don't think i should leave work. anxiety is a bitch.",Anxiety
+i'm going to a wedding by myself tomorrow and then i got to thinking about where i was and how far i've come. i'm still anxious about going to the wedding - but i'm going and that's something! anyway! you're all awesome! good stuff! ❤😊,Anxiety
+"i signed up for stuff. in 9 days i will be going to madison to see my favorite musician play live after being a big fan since i was like 13 (i'm 21 now). i'm going for a day and a night, hotel room and everything. also, i signed up to learn how to brew beer at the local museum, a two day class. day one is on tuesday and day two is at the end of the month. i've never just said ""eh, i want to do it, doesn't matter if i don't have anyone to do it with"" and just signed up for anything like this. i always stop if i can't find anyone to do it with me. but i figure if i live life like that, i'll never get to do anything i want to do ever. i'm excited, i'm nervous... but it's almost like a *good* nervousness.",Anxiety
+"my anxiety when i first wake up everyday is so strong i struggle to leave my bed. i wake up from a typically sound sleep and get thrown into a shitstorm nearly everyday. i used to have ptsd related nightmares; thankfully those have died down but it sometimes feels like all the anxiety just builds up overnight and needs to get released every morning. i feel plastered to my bed with a racing mind that i can't control. i've tried things like ""you know this will go away in an hour. just ride it out"". i've tried grounding techniques. i've tried different types of weed and different benzos. i'm thinking about doing a small meditation everyday to see how that makes me feel- are there good apps out there i could try?",Anxiety
+"been in a bad way the past couple of years, stuck in a rut with no light at the end of the tunnel. there’s been many times i thought about suicide. the other day i just thought fuck it i’m making something of myself, so step 1 of that was contributing to society (get a job), step 2 is to move to a better area somewhere i can feel more happy and fulfilled. still not out of the woods yet but i’m trying given the terrible circumstances.",Anxiety
+i feel drained and exhausted. every day. even when i exercise. i'm so lonely but no one ever hangs out with me or talks with me. most of my friends left and now i'm back to where i started. :/ i feel guilty to and idk why. i've never experienced this type of sadness before,Anxiety
+"i don't really have any friends in school and therefore nobody wished me a happy birthday today, so i was wondering could anyone wish me a happy birthday here, it would be really appreciated! thanks.",Anxiety
+"i’ve not been in ages. i’ve lost my main coping mechanism and along the way dealing with my anxiety and my bouts of depression have gotten worse. my husband really wants me to go back - not for my figure but because he notices the difference in my mental health when i go and he cares very much about me. i’ve put weight on - which isn’t the main issue. but i’ve been frightened to go back because of what my old personal trainer will think, what people at the gym will think of me. what if i embarrass myself? i don’t want to get naked in the changing rooms. i’m scared if someone will start a conversation with me. i’ve been hiding on my sofa for over 9 months outside of work. getting further stuck in an anxious rut. i want to go back tomorrow. i’m posting here to hold myself accountable and to get words of encouragement.",Anxiety
+the thing i hate the most about anxiety is that it doesn't let me enjoy when things are going good. i'm constantly worrying about if and when they stop being this good. it really makes highlights taste... bland and sandy. temporal. fragile. any tips on how to let these thoughts pass and not affect me that much?,Anxiety
+"for the first time in at least a year, today i went out to do the grocery shopping, and i’m ducking proud about it! every sunday, my partner kindly goes to the store and get what i put on the list because i always have anxiety and panic when i get at the cash. never had issues where i couldn’t pay for the food, but i’m always afraid i will. i hate being surrounded by ppl. but today, i grabbed the bags, and went, on my own, like a pro! i guess i just needed to express it, and give some hope to some of you! things get better with time!",Anxiety
+today was one of my most dreaded moments in last few years - my dissertation thesis counsel/advocacy. it's finally over. i was afraid that because of my anxiety i wouldn't be able to stand before the panel and hold my presentation. that i would start to freak out and have a panic anxiety attack. but somehow i managed it. i just needed to share it with somebody.,Anxiety
+"my anxiety cost me the love of my life, countless job opportunities, an education, and so many other things i don't want to think about. i need to do this. i'm seeing a therapist on tuesday and i'm not looking back.",Anxiety
+it happens to me all the time like if i’m taking a training class even if it’s like a day or two long or somewhere i have to go by myself like a scheduled event that i know is coming up i get super excited like a day or two before but the day of then i get nervous.,Anxiety
+"it doesn't seem to matter how good of a day i had the day before or what happened it seems i always wake up with lots of depression and anxiety that doesn't fade away until two or 3pm. it seems as though my day is predetermined, some mornings for whatever reason i wake up with no anxiety or depression and its like i'm a completely different person. its almost guaranteed that that day will be a good day but the next day is usually back to the same old feeling in the morning that take all day to overcome. i feel like if i could replicate the few days i don't wake up with anxiety that my situation would improve.",Anxiety
+"in june 2019 i called in sick to work a lot, my doctor and my therapist wouldn't listen to me about my anxiety and just made things worse, which lead to me quitting work in august. today was my first successful day back at work! (i had a panic attack my very first day and had to go home after just a few hours). i feel so happy for the first time in a long while. my work and colleagues are honestly so nice and amazing and without their kindness i wouldn't be able to have made it back. i'm celebrating with pizza tonight! wooo!",Anxiety
+"i get racing thoughts, then feel almost like my sense of touch is affected. my mind begins to worry and i'll feel dizzy, nauseated. sometimes this will persist for hours then go away naturally. is this a symptom of my health anxiety or could this be a real issue?",Anxiety
+"tired of knowing who i am, but not what i want to be. tired of society deciding where i should be at in life and what i should be doing. tired of feeling like all i've done is waste my time not knowing what to do. tired of being told to make a difference in the world. tired of feeling like i'm not reaching my 'full potential', and not knowing what that is or how to achieve it. tired of people forcing positivity and having to pretend to be someone i'm not. tired of working around my anxiety. tired of feeling guilty for not having a 'stable career'. tired of feeling guilty for complaining and feeling down. tired of not being able to find a job i enjoy working at. tired of looking at others achievements and feeling perpetually inferior. tired of feeling like i'm in some race that i'm losing. tired of self doubt. tired of this never-ending cycle. i'm exhausted and i don't know what to do about it. does anyone else feel this way? if so, what did you do?",Anxiety
+"i am seriously over the moon right now! this is my dream job and i can't believe i scored it! i followed the advice y'all gave me after my last interview and had a ""fake it till you make it"" approach to all interactions with this employer. i made dog puns in my first e-mail, joked a bit on the phone, and made the whole process fun for myself (which, it turns out, made it fun for everyone else too!). my anxiety is going to be much, much lower now knowing 1) that i actually have a full time job, 2) that i'll be doing what i love, and 3) it's less than 15 minutes from my new home. what will i be doing, you ask? working with dogs! i love, love, love dogs and have worked professionally with them for a couple of years previously. i'll mostly be playing with them in small groups, although there will be cleaning and bathing as required (i love giving them baths!). i feel the complete *opposite* of what i felt going into that second interview at last week. in every way. i'm confident, too... that's rare for me. thanks, anxiety. seriously, though... thank you, r/anxiety! i approached this opportunity today using the tips and advice you gave me... and it worked beautifully! i start tomorrow at 11 am. wish me luck!!! :d",Anxiety
+"can’t believe this is really happening. i’m nervous but excited. i’m really glad i conquered my anxiety and went through with both interviews. if you’re thinking of putting yourself out there for a job/internship/anything else, just go for it! you can do it! i honestly didn’t think anything would come of me applying here, but here i am a week and a half later with a paid internship!",Anxiety
+"ok i had to make this post. the media, nowadays, lives off fear and clickbait. the scarier the headline, the more clicks that will come about. the more clicks, more money! when you read a headline, breathe in, and out. and we are the targets. the ones who legitimately have health issues surrounding world events. i was spurred on to make this post due to a headline i read a few minutes ago relating to north korea (eugh). so for those of you who don't want to hear about it, stop reading now. the headline wrote 'trump vows to destroy north korea'. my heart skipped several beats, i was debilitated, scared and on the floor. then i looked further into it, i watched trumps speech to the un and discovered the level of lying that this website had displayed. his quote was saying how if north korea attacked the usa or it's allies, he would destroy it. they are totally different things!! one implies trump is about to launch a full on attack onto the country, one simply reinforces what america's been saying for years, if nk attacks sk, america will defend sk. this pisses me off, it hurts me and many others physically and mentally, it affects our lives but these greedy editors and will go to the greatest lengths to make a bit more cash.",Anxiety
+"i'm 23m. i'd like to watch more shows, movies, documentaries but i always get a bad feeling in my gut before i can. it's happened since i can remember but it takes a lot of convincing to get me to watch a show or movie and even then i'll only watch comedies. i never realized it could be because of my anxiety until i really tried to watch shows like shamless or any kind of movie. i would enjoy the first episode or first part of the movie but i just don't see the point in committing to a new program. i watch the same comedy shows everyday, usually i go between always sunny, workaholics, trailer park boys, the office, arrested development, community etc. all very funny shows. are these show repeats that are keeping me happy actually making my anxiety worse?",Anxiety
+"i love my friends and family don't get me wrong. but along with my social anxiety, i grow more and more irritated with people. i'm always the reliable friend, the one who helps everyone but i'm starting to feel like i have to carry their burden with me at all times. i'm always worried they'll text me to tell me something's wrong. nobody should feel that way. sometimes i just want to shut everything off and be alone for a million years. to say things more clearly, i'm tired of everyone's shit. does that make me a bad person?",Anxiety
+"i love how no one knows how to cope/ counter this thought. i asked my therapist but he didn't even know. he just said ""u don't work all the time"". no one knows. cause it's the truth. edit: thanks for all the awesome answers !",Anxiety
+"because of my anxiety, i tend to be a homebody. traveling (especially flying) is a nightmare for me, and i can only really manage my anxiety on trips when i'm with my parents. otherwise, the trip is however many days of nausea, panic, and the whole lot. but tomorrow, i'm doing something that i've always been too afraid to do. i'm taking a 3 hour road trip by myself. i know that sounds silly. i only got my license about 3 years ago when i was 16, right on time, but i was slow to take up driving. i love driving in familiar areas close to home, but hate driving distances. it's all because of my anxiety. what if i get sick? what if i pass out? what if i crash? what if i panic and get home? well, i don't care. and i know i can do it. i can handle it. i've changed so much just within a year and i don't want to be afraid anymore, so i'm doing this. i'll be visiting my boyfriend (we go to college together but he normally lives 3 hours away) so it's worth it. i tried doing this twice last summer and chickened out. but this time is different. hoping for the best!!! the weather isn't looking the best (cloudy/rainy) and i'd much prefer sun but can't do anything to change that. any road trip tip would be much appreciated :) i'm leaving tomorrow morning!",Anxiety
+"i get really bad anxiety about my own birthdays. i feel like i'm not worthy of any kindness, while i always do my everything to make others birthdays amazing by planning gifts, cooking, baking and taking them out. it's been really bad again, but i decided to try. so i baked a cake to bring to work and plan on buying myself ice cream for watching horror movies tonight. how do you deal with birthdays and do they worsen your anxiety?",Anxiety
+backlash or not keep those comments to yourself. unless you want to keep your account keep those fucking thoughts to yourself. had enough of seeing that shit today. it’s disgusting.,Anxiety
+"i don't know how it happened. i was terrified in the interview and so incredibly awkward, but they offered me the job! woo. i haven't worked in 2 years having had a breakdown and 5 months off sick in my last job. i've made so much progress but finding a job to get back into work has been the hardest battle. i'm so happy - depsite applying for gazillions of jobs from coffee shop barista to admin assistant i actually ended up with a job that is vaguely related to my degree (data analysis) and in a field i'm passionate about (mental health). so lucky! i just hope i can overcome my anxiety enough to hold on to this one. being in mental health they *should* be understanding about it if it does flair up. i hope. sorry if i'm showing off, i'm just so relieved the job search is over. i don't post often in here but i know it's nice to see some good news in this sub sometimes. things can change!",Anxiety
+"i started effexor and therapy about 5-6 weeks ago and feel happy and so much less stressed. i wasn't depressed before so that wasn't an issue for me but the anxiety (gad and ocd) made me feel consumed. i am still titrating the medicine and have one more step to go but i already feel so much better. the ocd has been improved. i don't obsess over every negative thing in my life anymore and i don't compulsively lock the car doors anymore. i was able to work through it yesterday and even though i was questioning if i did it or not, i just stopped myself from obsessing about it and it helped stop the compulsion of going back out to re-lock them. the therapy helps so much too because being genuinely heard and not judged is so refreshing. there's no point in my post other than to let others know there's hope and to not give up on your journey to a life with less anxiety.",Anxiety
+"i can't sit still when i get my eyebrows done, and when i'm in class i usually doodle to focus. i pay attention very well in school regardless of that, and drawing helps me focus.",Anxiety
+"hello, i'm about to ask my crush out in a few minutes via text message (lame, i know, but i can't find the right words in person and i don't want her to feel uncomfortable). we are both fresh out of a relationship and it might be too soon but we are talking in university since a year already and i'm afraid that i miss my chance. i get some friendzone vibes from her but i have to try anyway because i will probably regret it in a few years otherwise. wish me luck edit: just sent the message edit 2: she dumped me, great and friendly sub though thank you all very much.",Anxiety
+"for example, i am going to school and i just feel anxious because i know it might be the peak of my life. after that its just work, work, and more work.",Anxiety
+"i think about this a little more than i should... and then i keep saying “you have nothing wrong with you! your parents were right, you’re just faking it for the attention! and then think about that until you cry? bothers me.",Anxiety
+"i've had a particularly stressful week and as a result have suffered from stomach pains, diarreah, and all around inability to feel normal. i've had it before, so i know it's anxiety-based but have you guys ever had this? what do you do?",Anxiety
+"for a while now i've had fairly severe anxiety surrounding death -- i can't come to terms with the fact that i will die. it overwhelms me and scares me and i don't know what to do about it. everything reminds me of this (i see some cute cat in a window? well crap, that cat's going to die one day and it will be... nothing). i get that we should try to be happy in life, but it all seems so pointless. i've dealt with depression in the past, but in some senses this almost seems worse... i'm trying to find a therapist, but it's harder than i thought.",Anxiety
+"whenever i sit at my desk i think of all the things i enjoy doing / should be doing (which includes hobbies) like reading, writing, journaling, studying language, and i am paralyzed by the decision. i try and weigh it up by things like 'well i haven't done this one in the longest time' or 'this one is most enjoyable' or 'this one would be easiest to get ""done""'. but i can't decide. and treating my hobbies like tasks is a terrible attitude. i spend all this time trying to find the objective best choice of way to spend my time that i waste that time, don't get anything done, and don't enjoy it. i'm too worried of making the 'wrong' choice. i have to keep reminding myself to stop prevaricating and just pick one and who cares about weighing factors or making practical choices. just choose one! but it's hard.",Anxiety
+"hi everyone. i just really wanted to thank you all for the support, help, advice that i read and that everyone has given me. you all are amazing and i'm so happy right now. i got a call from a gas station saying they'll give me a shot. i've been out of work because of my anxiety for four years and today i feel like i can do anything. i have climbed a mountain and my head feels clear. i know its not a big deal working at a gas station but i will be able to get out of the house everyday. anyway im sorry if this is the wrong place for this. i just wanted to say thank you and to everyone who is also struggling like i am to not give up. one small step at a time has given me so much right now. edit: i'll never understand how many beautiful people are out there.. you all made me cry a bit. i was thinking this would just go unnoticed but to see so many people happy for me and working through things like me makes me feel a lot better about overcoming this. i leave in an hour and i am really terrified. the hardest part now is going and starting. learning everything, meeting people and i admit, i'm afraid i'm too out of shape and will not do my best. four years is a long time to stay in my home worrying about the outside world. i gained weight and didn't take care of myself. but if you all can promise to try to do your best then i can promise i'll try my best today as well. when i have to overcome something that my anxiety is telling me i can't or it'd be easier to not, i tell myself ""one step at a time."" before you know it, you're out the door and making a life for yourself and your loved ones. don't let that evil monster ruin who you are and who i know you can be. i wish you all the best.",Anxiety
+"i get a tinny, metal taste in my mouth and an immediate ""flight"" response when i start reading about available positions, responsibilities, and the application process. my heart was racing almost all day because i accidentally found myself on the dol job applications page and things like fbi secret service positions were listed. like, lol, of course i would never even think of applying for that but just reading the description of what you might have to go through to be hired was nightmarish and panic inducing. i like, really can't just avoid this, but, fuck, it's so hard to get past that feeling and stay focused on what i need to do. my brain is just like avoid avoid avoid advice? help?",Anxiety
+"hello all. i am a young man in his late twenties and i struggle with avoidant personality disorder. the thing is that ever since having my first crush in high school i have desired to be in a relationship but it has never happened. part of this is due to me being a bit picky, ill admit, but a large part of it is also that i have zero self-esteem. if you struggle with social anxiety and have found love, i would really like to hear your stories. it will be encouraging to me. edit - thank you for all for sharing! your stories make me happy.",Anxiety
+i don't mean like a panic attack. i mean like a general period of anxiety that has caused acid reflux and also gi symptoms. everytime i have started to feel better so has my acid reflux starts to subside. has anyone treated their anxiety which also treated acid reflux/gi symptoms?,Anxiety
+"if you have a shift later in the day/evening do you ever just sit there, immobile, almost paralyzed to so anything before work starts? idk why but it’s like i can’t start anything else even dishes bc i’m worried it’ll go on too long and i’ll be late so i just sit there staring at the clock. can’t even enjoy tv. i’ll like get dressed and do my hair/makeup but that’s about it. i know it’s stupid bc i’m usually 30 minutes early to everything but the anxiety just keeps pumping beforehand. basically my day is that job and nothing else. idk maybe i’m nervous about the gig. i don’t have it often and i have to teach a huge group of people so maybe it’s that. was just wondering if anyone else had similar feelings to an activity or engagement hat takes a lot of their energy.",Anxiety
+"i just got my results back from my covid swabs.. and they were negative. now let’s go back a week, i couldn’t breathe , i couldn’t take deep breaths and i was coughing. i figured it’s just a cold.. back to my phone. things got worse. i got chills and aches and my breathing was getting more difficult. hmm maybe the flu? back to my phone. still couldn’t breathe , now sweating and coughing harder. hearts racing and on the floor scared and crying because breathing becoming impossible. i went and had a hot bath, drank hot tea , then went to bed .. where i had the worst night of my life . i couldn’t sleep... i was up for 72 hours exhausted in cold sweats with breathing troubles . i finally called the nurses line and told them i was afraid i had coronavirus. we talked and they said to get to the hospital if i got worse , but to phone beforehand so they could prepare for me. my heart sunk and my symptoms got worse. i cried as my kids slept, positive this was the end... i didn’t want to kiss them and infect them, i kept leaving the room and taking deep breaths so i wouldn’t drop dead. i texted my family that i loved them and was sorry for everything i had ever done. i finally passed out , then woke up and immediately ran to the bathroom where i threw up . i hadn’t eaten in 2 days and still puked my guts out. chest still hurt, still having cold sweats and still coughing .. and now nauseated with a bad stomach. maybe i won’t even make it to the hospital. i watched a cnn video of one of their reporters who was sick with covid. he showed some breathing exercises and said to put your arms around your head and to hold it there . i kept doing that over and over and felt better each time. didn’t feel like i was dying as bad as a few nights before . however each time i read the news my symptoms got worse and my panicking was like nothing i’ve experienced before .. i took some medicine and i cried myself to sleep. i finally slept.. briefly . i then woke up and had a bunch of mucus come up my throat and i began choking on it .. it wouldn’t stop coming up and my chest pains started up. they called me and my covid test was scheduled for the next day. i took some mucus cold medicine which seemed to help as i slept for the first time since this hell started.. and i woke up feeling good. no coughing .. no cold sweats... no puking. chest was still tight but i slept and that’s just what i needed. my test was at 1 and i was nervous , i pulled up and everyone was covered and masked up and i felt so alone. they asked about my symptoms as well as if i had depression or anxiety... both of which i do. they checked my temperature, my blood pressure, my throat and swabbed my throat and both nostrils. i said i didn’t sleep much and i was spending about 13 hours a day on the news.. mainly watching new york city and italy. the doctor stopped by and said do not.. watch any news outside of where you live (our province) she said “watch/read only your province news as everything else will only make your anxiety worse than ever.. just focus on keeping yourself and everyone around you safe. keep washing your hands frequently and stay indoors and away from others.. and that includes your grandma” she is my grandmas doctor and knows how close we were. i went home and cleaned and for the first time .. stayed off international news. that was a few days ago and i have yet to go back on any... and i haven’t had a single anxiety attack since. all my symptoms besides chest pain went away... when i start to think about it again (like right now) they come back a bit .. so i’ll turn a movie on and they go away. so when i got my results i just thought wow anxiety is one of the scariest things... i truly thought i was going to die. i know there’s a lot of scary horrible things going around our world right now , and i hope it is over soon, but watching the news 24/7 isn’t going to help anything especially if you are mentally ill like me. the best thing we can do, is stay busy and stay safe and stay off the international news . i just wanted to post this incase anyone was like me browsing here wondering if you have anxiety or if it’s covid... anxiety is a true evil and will make you think you have whatever it is you’re scared of. deep breaths and put your focus elsewhere.. like a meditation app. thinking of you all. sorry i typed this on my iphone and have no clue how to format properly.",Anxiety
+"i came into this year in a good place after years of wading through shit. i was kicking ass at my job, i have sorted a long term medical problem, i achieved dreams this winter by freeride snowboarding a mountain. i came out as bi / genderfluid to my family and it went well. but this year since then has fucked me up. i haven't touched another human in three months. i've been single for 12 years. i have no contact in lockdown, not even a pet because i'm allergic to all of them. all my healthy coping strategies that took years to build have been destroyed by lockdown and now rather than going to the gym or socialising i just drink all the time. i'm getting fat and i can't motivate myself to exercise. booze, food, and escapism feels like my only pleasure. before this shit i was going to start dating, finally working up the resilience to do so, but now that shit has been torpedoed by the virus. now i have thoughts of self harm happening again every day recently. i don't want to see any more fucking therapists any more i hate the idea of it. i can't go through reopening all that painful old stuff again i don't want to deal with this bullshit any more. i don't want to burden my family with this, i've put them through enough. fucking 2020. its a good job i don't have a gun because its sure looking like a way to escape recently.",Anxiety
+"couldn't think how to title this. i've got other issues but i'm thinking this one may be tied to my anxiety/panic problems (or maybe it just exacerbates them?) for example, i've noticed it most pointedly the past week while my cat's been sick. she's been to the doctor, i'm handling the practical stuff. but emotionally it's roller coaster. she seems to be feeling better (responding to meds and eating) and my mind's saying yeah, she's back. she seems a lil stiff and not eating as much as the previous days and my mind starts planning her funeral. (rationally i can see she's not acting like a sick cat, you can tell when they're uncomfortable and have given up. plus the vet hasn't done or said anything that seems like they think she's that sick. it's just my scared little mind that won't shut up and stop crying) it's like anything (in general, not just currently with the cat), but any time something isn't perfect, it's the end of the world and i'm positive it'll never get better. so i seem to spend a lot of time worrying about how i'm gonna handle the worst-case scenario which my mind won't stop telling me is definite even though the rational whisper knows i've never yet had to deal with the worst-case scenarios. i'm just wondering if y'all can relate? is this an anxiety/panic related thing? i've got some other issues (diagnosed bipolar and self-suspected mild asperger's) so i'm trying to define/understand what's going on with this catastrophe thinking because i deal with my issues/symptoms best when i understand better where they stem from.",Anxiety
+"whenever i'm awake for too long, i get anxiety, even though i have nothing to feel anxious about. like,if i need to stay awake for studying or work in, or, for example,let's say i stayed up all night, and then i want to stay awake during the day to fix my internal clock; (so i won't sleep during the day and stay awake during night again) i get strong anxiety and then i end up needing to sleep before planned. when i force myself to go through it, i end up feeling incredibly unwell (nauseous, low pressure, tachycardia) once or twice before i start having full-on panic attacks. then the crisis keeps going and i have to wait until they pause so i, again against my plans, can go to sleep. it seems there's no way out. i hate this and i wish i could push my body when needed like a normal person. this always happens when i push myself to stay awake and is really annoying, and also, other people don't understand or trust me and end up seeing me as just undisciplined and unable to have self control (just sleeping because i give in too easily or idk). tl;dr: post title",Anxiety
+"my doctor and counselor have me listed as extreme anxiety and depression, early childhood ptsd, bi polar, borderline personality disorder. it's a relief to have an answer to what my problems are. this has been an on going problem my whole adult life. my first job, i had reasons for being depressed. i dropped out of school, parents were divorcing and i didn't have a stable housing situation, i was falling behind and depressed, full of anger and anxiety. i didn't want to call myself weak though and admit i had a problem, so i attempted to self medicate by escaping reality. i skateboarded, played video games, drank, smoked weed, partied, did everything i could to feel numb. 5 years later, because i didn't seek help or medication early on, i was put on suicide watch due to my new medications not working properly. i have had a girlfriend for 4 years now, i just play games now and skate, no negative influences in my life. none the less, last month i lost my job, where both my girlfriend and i worked together, and commuted together for 2 hours everyday. we both made pretty decent incomes, my girlfriend is my back bone and structure to things getting better in my life. i can't thank her enough despite me losing my job and making the workplace awkward for her. she helped me apply for disability. she helped me stay in contact with my advocate for whatever questions needed to be answered. we filled out the questionnaire's together and made the best of a shitty situation, we have savings to go off of, luckily we live with her father in a nice location in california rent free, we cover utilities and our phone bill/internet and that's it. well, has and groceries as well, we just do our best on her one income until my sdi gets submitted and approved. i'm currently seeking my residency and gathering needed paperwork for the drivers written test, then i can finish my sdi application. my point to all this is i would be homeless and probably dead without her. she has saved my ass countless times over the years,having a mental illness makes holding a job so fucking difficult, i've lost at least 6 jobs since being with her. i have nothing but respect and love for her to be putting up with all this, while we are both still fairly young (i'm 24, she's 21 later this year) i wish her parents understood mental illness, but it's kind of a taboo in her family so we keep things as vague as possible. i just hope that i get through to disability services and can make an income that way, to relieve some stress from her life. she put off school for me from the very beginning, the least i can do is help her get through school. sorry about the rant. i hope everyone has a great day.",Anxiety
+"yesterday night i had bad mental distress. i couldn't sleep because of anxiety, felt like i was on edge. got only 5 hours of sleep, for my age (14) it's really exhausting. when i woke up my anxiety was flaming again. i am a starter lua scripter, i did some scripting for 30 minutes, and my anxiety disappeared. just amazing how doing something you're passionate about can help. i'm better now.",Anxiety
+"for example, my parents are going away for a week later this year. i don't want to be at home alone, but i can't sleep out of my house, i haven't slept out in at least 10 years. i asked a friend if they would mind sleeping over and they were like ""sure! i'd be glad to"". i was like, what, they just agreed like that??? they're so cool with sleeping out???? what???? aren't they going to miss their bed? and pets? and family? so weird to me.",Anxiety
+"tomorrow i bury my best friend who tragically passed away at the age of 25. i'm heartbroken and i will be speaking at his funeral. i am happy with the speech but i am nervous, petrified to mess up. he was an incredible guy and i want to send him off well, justify what he meant to me. my ex who broke up with me 2 months ago has kept contact to ask how i have been doing and if i ever needed anything go to her. i went to the gym yesterday evening just to pass the time and maybe work off a small hangover i was nursing from the night before. i felt okay but by the end of my session i was very tired. as i was walking back towards my flat i spot my ex with a guy next to her sitting down. i could have turned around but i didn't. i go up to her and say hi, she seems shocked to see me and asks if i'm doing okay. i say no, not really and say i'll leave them to it and say goodbye. as i walk down the road my ex has caught up with me after she runs to catch up with me. she says she has done this to tell me that what's happening with her and him is not what it seems and she didn't want me to worry about something when it's not. she says they are not seeing each other and that he is just a work friend. that he is going through a hard time. we then get talking about how i'm feeling, how devestated i am, how i'm scared for wednesday. she and a mutual friend went to a concert last week and she mentions they talked. she said she went on a rant about how much she cares about me, that i was her best friend, that she is worried for me. she says she's nearly messaged me just to see if i want to hang out. she has come to me since my best friends death to apologise and she says that she will leave me alone now and will wait for me to message. i do say i miss her but right now my head is all over the place. i'm considering my options about going home and starting again. that i'm not looking for anyone right now. i'm just tired, exhausted. she said i look like i haven't eaten well, that i'm really pale. she nearly went to the same club as me the night before but didn't and stays she's glad she didn't. she offers to cook me a meal or go for coffee. that she is always here for me. i ask again about them and she says they're not seeing other, that something could happen but it isn't. i accidentally saw her open diary just before the break up about a guy who has a family that makes her laugh, feel alive. this guy has a child. i recognise him from her xmas party. i'm really confused about why she chased after me. it's obvious she cares but is she feeling guilty, trying to spare my feelings in the hardest time of my life. i do want her back in my life but seeing her with another guy hurt big time. seeing them close to each other eating ice cream. she works with him, did she like him when we were dating. i also hate the idea of her sharing her sympathy and support with other people, especially a guy like that. and it hurts to hear her say to me he's going through a hard time. i'm going through the hardest time of my life. i feel like i can't use her as a crutch. i'm so confused, hurt, a mess. i bury my best friend tomorrow . i am absolutely terrified. i feel sick, like i'm going to mess up and ruin everything. the last 2 months has been the worst of my life, it just has. i want things to be better. i want him back. i want her back. i feel terrible.",Anxiety
+"im suffering from serious trauma from my past. my father beat me and molested me. he also kissed me on the lips and demeaned me treating me like a girl. every time he looked at me, itd make me feel belittled and raped. my housemate has the same insecure belittling qualities my father has. i was also beaten and emotionally manipulated by an abusive mother who beat me with a stick, only yelled and never spoke, used me to polish her ego, used me to shame my father, shamed me, embarrassed and belittled me by objectifying me and herself, and buried verbal poison into wounds she'd keep open with her constant psychological insanity. my roommate who sleeps next to me has the same judgmental and psychopathic qualities as she has. i'm trying to ease the trauma i've felt ever since i was first beaten by them at too young of an age to remember by loving myself and hugging pillows while i feel vulnerable, but it's hard. it's really really hard. none of them know who i am. not even the brother i though would be my companion but ended up severely abusing me through-out my entire life. physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally, and sexually abusing me. he'd ""sock me in the face"" every chance he could, pushed me around, step on me, make me suck his dick, make me eat my own shit, call me fat and autistic, and just release his anger any chance he could in any way he could find using me. i need to get away from all this abuse. i want to love myself for who i am and comfort myself and be there for myself and love being me. i want my life back from all the abuse. i want to absolutely own my life. right now i need comfort and love and compassion and empathy for the little boy who was first beaten by his parents and left alone feeling abused and abandoned too young to do anything about it. its okay kyle. im here for you.",Anxiety
+"anyone else get anxious about parents dying? i just returned home from vacationing at their house for the holidays and i'm crying like an 8 year old who just got dropped off at camp. my anxiety about this particular issue manifests into very long, depressive crying spells. how do you deal? i live states away from them.",Anxiety
+"first day of my classes today, you know they ask each one to introduce themselves. i had a panic attack when it was my turn so i said fuck it. i told everyone i have anxiety issues, and that it's really hard for me to speak in front of an audience. i heard some laughs, but i don't know if it was just a surprised laugh. the professor was super nice about it. i feel good about it but also kinda feel vulnerable now that everyone knows about it.",Anxiety
+"for so long i hid my anxiety. my panic attacks, my mood swings, my sadness, my fear, my derealization. i thought, real men don't admit weakness. real men don't need to reach out for help bc of a mental condition. real men suck it up and push forward. how wrong i was. you know what real men do? real men take care of their responsibilities, and above and beyond all, your health is your responsibility. there is so much help out there for you and so many ppl willing to help you. lifestyle changes, talk therapy, outreach groups, psychotherapy, medication, journaling, exercise, religion to name a couple. in my darkest hour i told myself that i needed to fix myself on my own or else i was weak, inadequate and a failure. i told nobody about my situation and internalized everything. i can tell you first hand, this gets you nowhere. talk to someone. vent on reddit; message somebody (message me!), try bringing it up to your most trusted friend / family member. find a therapist near you and just send them an email. once you realize that you're not alone, things can became much, much easier.",Anxiety
+"i might not be able to help everyone but hopefully one person. i'm in no way an expert and i'm still trying to master the following method. it's all about mindfulness/awareness/living in the moment, that's the answer. why do we get anxious at times? because of our thoughts - thoughts that only exists in our mind. it's almost impossible to be anxious while you're living in the moment without thinking about the past or the future. each time you catch yourself thinking/daydreaming just be aware of it and go back to the present and you'll see what a huge difference this makes. i'm not keeping my mind busy to forget about things, i'm doing my best to keep my mind quiet. at night before i go to sleep, i focus on nothing and i have been sleeping a lot better and i am no longer dealing with morning anxiety, why? because i am not focusing on any thought, i'm letting thoughts come and go. this is seriously as easy as it sounds, try it. for a few hours just let thoughts come and go and just be ""aware"" of that precise moment. before when i used to practice this i always gave up because i thought i was supposed to not think of anything but the key is to just be aware that you're thinking, control the thoughts, don't allow them to control you.",Anxiety
+"i just saw a motivational speech tonight. the speech was fine, good advice, well written. but i left it feeling so hopeless and almost in tears. here's this guy who's wealthy, driven, positive, and fit as fuck. i'm struggling to work out once a week. i'm struggling with eating issues. i'm gaining weight. i feel like i'm surrounding myself with people who encourage my bad habits. i feel cruel for thinking badly of my only friends. i feel like i'm constantly treading water, just trying to keep my current achievements on par with my previous ones. i feel like a fucking negative nancy and that by not fixing that *right now,* i'm sabotaging my own life. i don't feel motivated right now. i sort of want to curl up into a ball. does anyone else react this way to motivational speeches?",Anxiety
+i've been convinced i must have heart disease because i can hear/feel a flutter/pounding in pretty much every beat of my heart. it is there pretty much all day everyday to some degree. it's particularly bad when i am resting/sitting in bed. it is better right in the morning and worse after meals and stress. it gets worse whenever i get tension in my forehead which makes me think it is related to stress. i have been to cardiologist and so far ekg/echo/holter has been ok. i cannot stop thinking about it. breathing with my diaphragm tends to help. i know it is probably also related to ocd and being hyperaware of my body. it is really just a hell i cannot escape and it is really motivating me to take serious action to improve my anxiety. i need to learn to relax. anyone experienced anything similar/been able to overcome it?,Anxiety
+"i’ve had various forms of anxiety for years, but it’s my anxiety surrounding work that’s giving me the hardest time. i currently work from home as a freelancer (not by choice), and it’s getting harder and harder to keep things in perspective. i get irrationally worried that i’ve made a mistake, and when i do make the inevitable mistake, it feels as if my entire world is falling apart. like i’ve failed in the one thing i still have in my life, and am therefore undeserving of life. outwardly, i can accept criticism gracefully, but on the inside i’m a screaming disaster. i can deal with those feelings. it’s awful and makes me want to vomit until i die, but i’ve somehow managed for years. what’s giving me problems now is what i call “hiding.” i’ve become so afraid of these feelings that i’ve started avoiding working by default. i don’t open emails that have the slightest possibility of criticism. i put off sending emails that might lead to more work. i’ve started avoiding social media because i might see criticism of my work (even though that has literally never happened, and rationally i know it won’t). and with no boss or co-workers to check in on me, i don’t have any impetus to snap out of it. this self-isolation is bad for my mental health (i live alone and have little enough interaction with other humans as it is), and it’s incredibly damaging to my work life. i need advice on how to stop. i’m planning on seeing a therapist as soon as i can afford it—but if i can’t snap out of it first, i won’t ever be able to afford it. has anybody else experienced this? what did/do you do to help?",Anxiety
+i actually went to my first ever university lecture and stuff and it was great. all this worry for nothing! start of a bright future i hope! edit - i've read all replies and comments and it's so nice to feel like i am not alone with this <3 thank you all!,Anxiety
+i've been meaning to apply for a job for over a year now but i never got the guts to do it (even though my family desperately needs the money) because all of the available jobs in my field (translating) were in call centers where i'd have to make dozens of calls per day (and i'm also a full time student). i have pretty bad anxiety and i'm most scared of making a fool out of myself in front of my coworkers/boss/clients.. but yesterday i finally sent in my application and just now i got off the phone with an employee from the company. those were quite the painful 8 minutes and i thought i messed up bc my voice kept trembling and i was sweating bullets but i have an interview!!!! on thursday!!!!!!! (unfortunately it's still in sales so if you have any advice for getting over phone anxiety then please tell me 🥺) my heart is still beating crazy fast but i did it..even if i don't get hired at least i tried my best 😭😭😭😭,Anxiety
+"lately i’ve been getting these waves of tiredness i’ll feel throughout the day. i start to feel sleepy and my head gets fuzzy. my sleep has been very shitty for the past couple weeks, i wake up every night around 2 am and stay up for an hour. so that probably has a lot to do with it, along with working 6 ten hour shifts. is this just mental fatigue? is my anxiety also contributing to this?",Anxiety
+"have just come of my meds last month after managing to travel the world for a year on my own and then staring my first year at university. years ago i physically couldn’t leave the house for months at a time out of fear, now i am a completely new person. you can beat this, no matter how long it takes.",Anxiety
+"i consistently talk to myself. sometimes i will sit down, and have conversations with myself. it's like a back and forth q&a; as my mind wonders off about a curiosity, or uncertainty, i will verbally answer myself, sometimes in great detail. not sure if this is just an inflated ego answering my insecurities, or if this is just normal human behavior. sometimes i compulsively call myself negative names too. like ""idiot"", ""stupid"", or ""loser"". in all honesty, i feel like i only call myself these names to motivate myself to do better next time. however, i'm not sure how helpful it really is.",Anxiety
+"around 4 years ago, i went through the worst anxiety i have ever been through. i didn't understand what was wrong with me and thought i was dying. i couldn't be left alone or go outside without going through a panic attack. i would convince myself that every lump i felt was cancerous and make numerous visits to the hospital only for them to send me home after hours of waiting. i was prescribed diazepam/beta blockers and almost prescribed citalopram but i only choose to take 2 diazepam and that was it. during this time i told my mum that i wanted to be sectioned because i believed that i wasn't in control of myself and was unaware that it was my anxiety causing me to think this way. every appointment i attended was also through the help of my mum as i felt like i couldn't go to any of them alone. i received two visits by mental-health specialists, 1 of them believed i should be on medication for life and that i would need to take medication to function and do normal things. the other told me that i should prove him wrong. as time went on i began counselling and attended a group cbt class. at first i felt like nothing had changed and that i had wasted my time but looking back on it now, i feel like everything got put into perspective around that time when i realised that my anxiety is just a part of me and that no matter what discomfort i go through it always ends up going away, i chose to feel the anxiety and not let it affect me doing anything i wanted to do. within the past 2 and a half years i have attended job interviews, bank/doctor appointments and completed a mathematics course. i now do my own food shopping, have a part-time job which is a customer-facing role and i'm in the process of working with a job agency to get a better job. to cut a long story short, i have went from having severe agoraphobia and panic attacks (-4 years ago) to working a part-time job and doing everything for myself. i'll probably delete this post in few hours but i hope it helps somebody on here who feels like their life will never change. i'm also open to any questions, if there are any.",Anxiety
+"okay so let me expand a bit on what i'm meaning. basically i go through stages, where i am gripped by my anxiety, where i feel like i need to embody how other people are. by that, i mean i feel like i need to keep changing who i am in order for people to like me. for example, i recently watched a short video on fb taken from a british reality tv show. in it this girl didn't drink alcohol due to personal reasons, so this lead me down a mini anxiety trip of feeling like if i didn't drink people would think i was different and like me. i know this sounds absolutely absurd and it's so wrong to be thinking like that, but i have this constant need to be liked by everyone & i'm also worried that i'll never find who i really am as a person. this then leads me down a whole other path of anxiety riddled thoughts and i end up putting myself in such a hole that i become so unproductive and i hate myself for it. i'm so tired, i want to achieve something in life but i'm literally doing nothing with my life and when i see other people doing stuff, it's like, i should be more like them. i should be motivated and i should be who they are so people like me and make people proud of me. sorry for this vent, i feel like i've gone off on a bit of a tangent at the end there, but i have no one to talk to about these feelings & i wanted to know if it's a common thing or not.",Anxiety
+"i feel like i've cried a dozen times since hearing about it, watching parents speak on the news and reading tweets from the kids who went to school there (including some who were horribly killed). for some reason, i'm really affected by things happening to children and young people. i feel so emotional and distraught thinking about what they must have gone through in those moments of the shooting, and how their families now must feel... i'm not sure why it affects me so much. i'm sure like everyone else i strongly believe children should be protected and put first no matter what so things like this are just... so unspeakable. i hope the gun laws in america change for the sake of school children.",Anxiety
+"got bad news today but i didnt have a panic attack. ive learned a lot of new techniques in therapy. things might not be ideal in life, more like a nightmare but, i didnt freak out when i otherwise might have. hoping for a weekend of keeping my cool.",Anxiety
+"yes. you. the person reading this right now. you're amazing. i'm telling you because you probably don't hear it as much as you deserve to. because you're battling some really tough things that most people won't ever understand. because even though you're doing that, and it's hell, you're still here. i don't know if you realize what a major accomplishment that is, but i'm here to tell you, it's fucking incredible. you're incredible. keep fighting. keep going. it's going to be okay. i know it doesn't feel like it sometimes (or a lot of the time), but it really will. you're going to have glorious moments of sunshine to make all this rain worth it. those moments are going to see you through the storms. because there will be storms. maybe you're in the storm right now. you'll get through it. because you're strong, stronger than you think you are. you're incredible and strong, and i know you can do it. i have faith in you. i'm here for you. you. are. amazing.",Anxiety
+"(in informal settings when there is sun obviously.) it has happened a few times when i was out with friends on sunny days, sitting in the shade outside of a restaurant or cafe. it was not really that neccesary to leave my sunglasses on, but also not weird. in this sort of situations im often asked to ‘take off your sunglasses, we’re talking, its kinda rude to leave them on’. but the thing is: sometimes i get super anxious looking directly into people’s eyes, like idk i get really uncomfortable to the point where i become awkward and cannot keep a conversation going smoothly. wearing sunglasses prevents this somehow. also in turn: i find it very rude of people to just demand someone to take off their sunglasses for your convenience. feels belittleling somehow. thoughts???",Anxiety
+"i've struggled for many years with intense anxiety, depression and loneliness. it's been so intense that it has actually kept me from working. i don't have a single friend, no connections, and i'm not in college anymore. this fall, i'm still deciding if i should return, even if just for one or two remote classes. thanks to covid returning, it looks like my university is going to be mostly online with minimal campus meetings. this is handy because i don't have a license or car and no hope of getting one. my anxiety is too crushing for me to even imagine driving. after years of suffering with little income and no motivation or purpose, and being unable to talk to other adults/people my age about work because i haven't worked since high school, i got into a summer work program and got a comfortable, anxiety-friendly introvert job at an animal shelter. i actually worked at this place years ago and i've visited many times, so it's not a new place, just a place i haven't worked in years and i don't know the people there (mostly new faces). despite being familiar with the shelter and the work i have to do, i'm filled with intense dread and anxiety. i feel sick right now because of it, and in the morning i'll have butterflies in my stomach like i haven't felt in years. i'm supposed to wake up in about 7 hours because i have to get there early. i have to do 16 hours per week for the next several weeks. i need encouragement and advice on how to get through without letting my anxiety get the better of me, just ways to cope and get to the end of the 4 hours tomorrow. i don't have panic attacks or anything, and i'm able to talk to people, but i'm mainly terrified of not knowing who my supervisor will be and how nice/understanding they might be. i'm also just nervous about the whole ordeal, of getting there on time, and being away from home for so long. you all need to understand: i haven't been on my own at a job or even school in years, i've just been home all the time and i only go out with family. i am worried sick about tomorrow guys. i'm going to bed soon and need advice to get through it. i only have to be there from 8-12, and i know i can do it, but i'm scared. work is not something i'm accustomed to and will need to adjust to. please help me survive this. i'm really, really nervous. thank you everyone.",Anxiety
+"for trying your best. for making the phone call. for answering the phone. for not staying at home. for putting in the effort. for trying something new. for reaching out. for asking for what you want. for taking a risk, any risk at all. it may seem like a failure today, but these little experiences will pay dividends in your future. don’t give up!",Anxiety
+"a lot of my anxieties feel tied to first world problems, a sort of inability to feel satisfied no matter what i do, even when there are countless others who no doubt have far tougher obstacles in life. anyone else feel this way? doesn’t stop me worrying about it.",Anxiety
+"i have no one else really to share this with, so bear with me. for the last few months i've been scared to go into my bathroom. i don't know about you guys, but for me, my anxiety starts off small and then spirals without me noticing until i'm so deep in i don't know how to get out. the bathroom started off just messy, you know when life gets busy and you're like, i'll just get all that hair later. until the drain clogs. and it's not so bad, clogged drain whatever. you buy stuff to unclog the drain but the packaging sits in there for a week too long. your hair is still just kind of collecting over everything. empty bottles of hair product join the other stuff. and suddenly it's really a mess. and then you start to worry. this is going to take a long time to clean up. i won't have time for this! why did i wait so long? it becomes a different kind of anxiety. now i'm anxious about the anxiety that caused this. fuck, now what? in my case, avoid at all costs. dry shampoo, just a quick face wash, lots of laundry and body spray. then you start showering at the gym to avoid it all together and shit hits the fan. i won't go into detail further, but it was gross. but you know what? i just fucking cleaned it. i deep cleaned the shit out of it. i cleaned the toilet, twice. i unclogged the drain. i got rid of every bottle, every old hair tie. i sprayed and rinsed the shower until the soap scum was gone. i changed the lightbulbs and scrubbed the sink and the vanity. i was shaky and sweaty but i did it and it's clean! it's not perfect. i need to wash towels and go through the cabinets. but you know what, i'm not afraid to go back in there and shower tonight. that's fucking huge. it stirred up anxiety about the way the rest of my house looks. i've got a lot of work ahead of me. but i accomplished something today. and that's not nothing.",Anxiety
+"hey everyone, since quitting weed 1.5 years ago due to the worst (and first) panic attack of my life, i have been experiencing extreme anxiety and panic attacks. i experienced the weirdest and most horrible symptoms including convulsions, nausea, butterflies in stomach, thoughts of death, ectopic heart beats, rolling panic attacks lasting hours/days, itchy skin, pain during urination, sever depression, feeling like i can’t breathe, feeling like i am going to die, insomnia, depersonalisation, derealisation, pains in chest, neck, head, weakness in legs, crazy head pressure where the only way i could sleep was on my stomach because i couldn’t relax my head on my pillow, and face rash, among others. it slowly started getting better last year and then one day it got way worse, and kept getting worse. so then i went to a doctor and got a full checkup because i thought i was dying (anxiety). everything came back normal (except the ectopic heart beats (but they are not dangerous) so then i asked for a referral to see a psych (after she offered me drugs and i said no). started seeing my psych over the course of the last 3 months and over that time i slowly got better until today i realised i have been anxiety free for the last 6 weeks. i also read this book which helped a lot, it’s called rewiring your anxious brain. these two things along with changing jobs from one i hated to one i love has in my opinion cured my anxiety. i am turning 27 this year and the last 1.5 years of my life were the absolute worst years of my life. i am finally loving life again and am so happy that the panic attacks have disappeared and that i am not constantly thinking i am dying. hope this helps anyone who is in a similar situation that i was.",Anxiety
+"oh hey, you again. i thought i would be alone today since yesterday i slept a lot, ate healthy and exerciced; but yet here you are. waking up with you is not exactly what i wanted (nor expected), but i guess there is nothing i can do. today you are like my shade again, following me everywhere i go. it does not really matter what i do since you will probably stay with me at least for the rest of the day. then i sit in bed and i start planning my day. while other times i could confront you, today i just want to keep myself busy and ignore you. i do not want you to drain my energy, or to drive my mind to that dark place again. your presence made me lose motivation in my studies and the connection i had with my friends already [among many other things] so i do not really understand why you are still here. i mean, what do you want? i think you just want to destroy everything i have, and everything i am. every day you deteriorate a bit more my identity, thanks to you i am completely lost. but not today. because even if you want to, today you will not have the energy to stop me, today it is me who controls you. i know i cannot fight you, but i want you to try and exhaust you until you vanish. because this is what you deserve. so good luck with that, i really want to see you try. best regards, your owner.",Anxiety
+"i just got hired for a job that pays pretty well, and the hours are well-suited for me, working about 4-6 hours per day, and i am super happy about it because i quit many jobs because of its long hours, and i hope this one last and that i wouldn't have any attacks at work!",Anxiety
+"while the titles is pretty self explanatory, i’ll elaborate a little bit. my anxiety has gotten so bad that any time i go to add something to a conversation (whether irl or online) my brain just immediately starts telling me that what i have to say doesn’t matter. it could literally be me commenting something extremely positive or congratulating someone on an accomplishment that i’m sure the receiver would be thankful to hear, but my brain instantly convinces myself that what i have to say adds zero value to the conversation and that nobody cares about my opinion. i know realistically not everybody is going to care about what i have to say, which is completely okay, but i’m try to convince my brain that there are people who do value my opinions and what i have to add to the conversation. but it’s at the point that it’s starting to effect my personal and professional development in life and it’s just this massive hurdle that i can’t seem to get over. has anybody else experienced this?",Anxiety
+"depersonalization/dissociating is the closest thing i've found to how i feel but not quite. i feel like i'm just floating through my days. like they fade into each other and i'm just trying to get through each one to make it into the next. i feel so unattached to my surroundings/environment, it makes me feel so awful. i don't feel present, but not necessarily in the ""you don't feel attached to your body"" way like depersonalization generally is described, but i just don't feel present. i don't know any other way to put it. i'm physically there and thats about it. i don't feel like i can relate to anyone either, so i don't bother going out of my way to communicate with anyone (say in a class setting) which just adds to the not-present feeling. what is this called, if anything? and what can i do about it? i'm so miserable",Anxiety
+"which is, now, the longest i've gone without an incident. three years ago i was having them weekly, i couldn't even get on public transport or go into shops. i feel like i've made massive steps and i'm really, really proud of myself. here's to another six!",Anxiety
+"basically just what the title mentioned. it came naturally to me talking to someone for the first time in my life, i didn’t realize what i was saying until after i said it. i’m anxious about what i said and if they liked talking with me, but it’s progress!",Anxiety
+"three months ago mine was mild and i could function with my as needed meds. then i had the most severe panic attack of my life. it quite literally traumatized me. every since i feel everything. and my mind won't shut off. i am always on panic and have panic attacks basically every day now. sometimes multiple ones. before you ask, yes i breathe. yes i try to focus on other shit. i take meds as needed. i've been seeing a therapists. the whole nine. nothing is working anymore, and it keeps progressing. all i do is lie in bed and try to sleep because i can't deal with it. i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up! :(.",Anxiety
+"it's always been something i have feared but it's got so much worse since developing anxiety. i think it stems down to the fact i had a tooth removed when i was only 5. doesn't sound like a big deal but my mum didn't tell me i had to have it removed till the actual day. she just woke me up and got me in the car and told me we were going to the hospital (the children's dentist was at the hospital) so they could put me asleep and remove my tooth. obviously at 5 that seemed pretty scary, didn't help that i had to wait 3 hours when i got there. then again at 7 i had another tooth taken out and it hurt so much i couldn't eat but when i got back to school the teacher forced me too. so now i hate the dentist i have this fear they will end up pulling all my teeth out, which i know is stupid but i can't help it. i'm 17 and havnt been since i was about 9, i desperately need to go because depression and anxiety resulted in me not brushing my teeth often enough and now they look terrible and i also need and would like braces. my main worry is one tooth which has a hole in it and the hole is turning black (tooth decay i'm guessing) i terrified they will just pull it out. anxiety is really making all my fears worse and not to mention the thought of going into the office and lying down while someone prods around in my mouth, i have severe social anxiety so many situations like dentist and doctors appointments make me nervous enough as it is. i don't know what to do i'm going to ask my mum to book an appointment but i won't be able to stop panicking till it's all sorted.",Anxiety
+"i went out clubbing with friends and this time, i decided to just say to hell with it...i spent all night talking to whoever i wanted to talk to, dancing with whoever i wanted to dance with, and it was amazing. normally i would be so shy when it comes to approaching people i don't know, but...nobody shot me down for approaching them and whatever fear i might've had about it basically went away all in one night. i'm on cloud nine.",Anxiety
+"a few days ago, i went to a work conference and had to give a presentation. i was so nervous that it made me feel sick. on the morning of the presentation, i was flustered and ended up accidentally pouring steaming hot coffee all over my clothes. thankfully, i did not receive any burns, but i did have to change my clothes. i felt embarrassed to the point of crying because i did this in front of my boss and two other people. my boss told me i didn't have to do the presentation, but i did do it! and it was amazing! despite my flustered feeling from before and after the coffee spilling incident, i didn't give up and ended giving an excellent presentation! i just wanted to share that because i'm so used to giving up on things because of my anxiety. i didn't let the anxiety win!",Anxiety
+"today i was triggered and had a massive, and i mean catastrophic panic attack. i couldn’t calm down and for the first time in a very long time, my mind went to some really dark places about not wanting to be here anymore. desperate for someway to handle the panic, i called the national suicide prevention hotline just to talk to someone. i talked to a lovely gentleman and explained how i just needed to talk to someone to process and help me ride out these feelings. he listened and was very kind. i felt really odd just rambling and crying to a stranger, but it did ultimately help. my boyfriend came home a few minutes later and so i went to spend time with him. it still took a while to settle down, but i finally was able to. i just want to really advocate using this hotline if you need it. it can really help just to talk it out to a neutral third party who genuinely cares about you. you don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed of using this service. it is there for you. use all resources available to you. love to my other warriors ♥️ here’s the number if anyone needs it: 1-800-273-8255",Anxiety
+does anyone else feel very suspicious of compliments? like you don't know if the compliment you received was legit or someone was just low key making fun of you. and it bugs you all day and makes you self conscious about what ever the compliment was about...,Anxiety
+"i caught my bf cheating on me yesterday. i can't eat. i either can't sleep or can't stay awake. my body is shaking so bad. i decided to write him one last message. more for myself than anything else. ""this is my last communication with you. it's clear that you're not going to tell me why you did this but i don't need you to. you used me. you met a more attractive woman and that's all you cared about. it didn't matter that i loved and supported you and your dreams. i'm fat and sick and she's not and that's what mattered to you. all those things you said to me were a lie. you're a horrible person. you'll tell yourself a million lies in your head to justify what you did so you can sleep at night but i know the truth and so does god. i know you'll miss me and what we had someday. i know you'll regret what you did someday. goodbye, i hope you get what you deserve in this life and the next. """,Anxiety
+"anyone else ever feel that crappy heart racing and stupid running inner negative commentary on sunday nights before work the next day? often there isn’t anything in particular that is making me anxious—just a feeling of dread. if you have any tips or suggestions, i’d appreciate hearing them.",Anxiety
+"you are not the boss of me. had i written this two days ago i would have said, ""you win; i surrender."" you took my thoughts and turned them against me. forcing me to question my actions and my trajectory. making me look negatively at everything that is so good in my life. so, to that i say, ""fuck you!"" i am strong, resilient, smart, and better than you. you might always be there but my ego, dertermination, and perseverance are stronger than you. in a whole year you have managed to take over once or twice. in the grand scheme of things that is not very long. it is funny how each time i forget about everything and you come to the forefront. you are so clever but your days are numbered. just remember that i am doing the work. you are here because i am here and i will continue to be here. so buckle up and take all the seats!",Anxiety
+"i feel scared about if what i said was the right thing or if my opinions are reasonable. i know it’s stupid to want validation from a bunch of strangers or to base my thoughts on what others think of me, but it’s just a really bad habit that seems impossible to fix. it only becomes more obsessive as time goes on. my heart is jumping as i’m typing this post :((",Anxiety
+"thank you for reading this. i would just like to let you know that you are a wonderful, amazing person. you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it! if anyone of you reading ever need to talk, know that i am here for you. i believe in you! have a great day and don't forget to smile!",Anxiety
+"i am 23 years old, meaning that i have been putting off getting my drivers license for 7 years (since i was 16 obviously). because i’ve had horrible anxiety with everything in my life, and driving/performing in front of others being at the very top of my fears, i went and took my on the road test today and passed. i didn’t have to use any medication or deep breathing, i just knew how amazing it would feel once it was over. i’ve gotten my permit 3 times in the past but let them expire because of my fear of the actual driving test. trust me. if i can do it, you can do it",Anxiety
+"hey all, i've noticed recently that i've been putting things where they don't belong, or opening cabinets to look for things that i know are in another cabinet. i'm 20. sometimes i'll be walking and i'll have to ask myself ""where am i even walking to?"" then i have to think about what time it is and what day it is and say ""oh, i'm going to english class."" or sometimes i'll be sending a text and something else will happen and i'll put the phone down only to open it up later and realize i never sent the text. appointments slip my mind constantly or i'll remember that i never went somewhere i was supposed to and then think about it and think ""wait, yes i did do that/go there."" it's really scaring the shit out of me. anyone else have these types of memory lapses?",Anxiety
+"i just wanted to share this with others as i have struggled with anxiety for years now. i was very nervous about my presentation, but i tried to stay as calm as possible. i even stopped half way and said ""i'm scared"" (lol) had a drink of water and carried on. my teacher said he didn't realise i was nervous until i mentioned the fact, and he said that i did very well to calm myself down and carry on. after he said this, he gave me top marks so i'm super happy :d if anybody is about to do a presentation for the first time and is scared, i would like you to know that i'm here for a chat!",Anxiety
+"i know i have anxiety, i’ve been prescribed xanax before, had a doctor tell me “you have anxiety,” and have almost every symptom including panic attacks. yet i can’t help but feel that my anxiety is not valid, or that i don’t feel “anxious” enough and i don’t deserve any help for it. whenever i relax in the day, just reading or scrolling through my phone i can feel my stomach begin to twist and i begin to chide myself, “how can i be relaxed if i have an anxiety disorder?” i feel like i’m faking it, deluding myself, trying to piggy back off people with this disorder and garner some sympathy for myself. then i get really anxious, my heart rate increases, sometimes i sweat, sometimes my thoughts get intrusive which makes me feel “relaxed,” because this is how i’m “meant to feel,” constantly drenched in fear because that gives me my “edge” and that is “exactly” how people with anxiety feel. (i know it’s not, it’s ridiculous, if i never relaxed i would’ve suffered a heart attack by now and i love relaxing, feeling tension drain from my body, but hurrah if i relax too long i get anxious) i also have a close friend with severe anxiety, far worse than mine and mine isn’t good, i feel “inferior,” and “unworthy” of help, because look at them, their anxiety is worse, they have more panic attacks, they have it so hard, my struggles are nothing compared to theirs. i bottle it up, pretend i’m okay, i feel ashamed talking about my feelings to them because who on earth am i talk? i feel anxious? they’re probably having a panic attack talking to me and the thought just sends fear spiking through me because i’m scared of seeming weak or clingy and seeming selfish for admitting i struggle. i know these thoughts are irrational, hello anxiety! yet i can’t stop them and i’m just wondering if any of you have experienced something like this and how you deal with thoughts like these?",Anxiety
+"i ordered a pizza online but after i submitted it i realized i put the wrong toppings. normally i'd just accept my fate and pick off the mushrooms i accidentally ordered, but this time i picked up the phone right away and called to correct it. thought this would be a place with some people who would understand how big of a deal that can be... woo",Anxiety
+"so i am graduating from college in december. i really need a new macbook and while looking for jobs in my field i found a ups seasonal helper. even though i saw that it's pretty easy to get in (have a pulse, can life 70 lbs, can follow instructions) i was still anxious about the interview. turns out there really wasn't even an interview. there was about 30 people of all shapes sizes and ages, the very nice and cheery girl told us the basic responsibilities and her story of how she started from our positions. she said she will be hiring 600 people this season so i think we all got hired on the spot basically. we filled out a form on which areas we wanted to work and info about us. she called a few people back at a time to an office which was the ""interview"" part. she made me write my social down and asked if i had any questions. i just told her my school schedule for the rest of the semester and she said that would be no issue at all and boom done. didn't hurt that she went to the same school and subject as me! she said she will call in a couple days. i am super excited!",Anxiety
+"my favorite way to spend my birthday is alone, doing whatever the fuck i feel like doing on a whim. my whole life is otherwise very full and regimented so the best gift is to get some time to feel like i have hit life's ""pause"" button. thursday was my birthday. i didn't want my coworkers to know. somehow someone figured it out and then they wanted to do all this stuff - go out to lunch in a big group, etc. the day dragged on and on and all i wanted was to hide. it's not that i'm ungrateful for their wishes. i think that's what makes me feel so tired. i feel like birthdays are for other people, and that the person whose birthday it is has to make sure they show the right level of gratitude for all the attention they get but when you're an introvert, attention is hell. it's up-time. it's draining. also, birthdays are odd anyway. i didn't do anything. i was just born. if we were celebrating something i actually did, like published a paper or got an award, then yeah, let's celebrate. but just for existing? it kinda makes me feel self conscious. i like my coworkers but i feel like i had a really tiring birthday and i ended up crying at the end of the day from sheer exhaustion. i also try really really hard not to get too close to coworkers because of how much time you have to spend with them to make a living. the more casual chit chat that happens the more information they get about me that can be used against me later. fuck anxiety. edit: 10/29/17: wow! thanks for all the great supportive comments! i think this is the best response i've ever gotten from one of my reddit posts. you guys really helped me feel better.",Anxiety
+"hello, i have anxiety, however, i noticed that its absolutely at its worst as soon as i wake up, that is, i have to get up and do something as it won't go away otherwise. likewise, it is nearly impossible for me to fall back asleep. does anyone experience this? if so, do you have any coping mechanisms? edit: thank you all for your responses! it is a good feeling knowing that we are not alone when it comes to this!",Anxiety
+"the thought of my spouse dying is the main thing that gives me high anxiety. it is so draining to the point i can barely function. there is no reason for me to believe he will die because he is not sick, but i am so afraid that there will be a day when he is not there for me. he is my whole world and i know i would not be okay without him. sometimes i feel like i should distance myself so if it does happen it won't be so hard of a blow. but then that makes me feel guilty. i don't know if i should value the time we do have together and give my all to him or protect myself in case something bad happens. what do i do?",Anxiety
+"caffeine used to work so well for me. i never used to panic from it. my life isn’t stressful enough for me to be panicking all of the sudden, so i don’t know what’s happening. how can i wake up without caffeine? and do you think i need anxiety medication if i stop taking caffeine?",Anxiety
+"i had a panic attack a few days ago, milder than i have had in the past. just like last time, i have woken up every morning since dealing with “hangover” symptoms. they’re not as intense this time, i don’t think. but i’ll wake up feeling okay...then i’ll start thinking about why i feel okay and because i just woke up my thoughts are harder to control, an eventually, either as a result of the thoughts or some biological phenomenon i don’t yet understand, my arms start to tingle and i feel inexplicably tense (the only real stressor being the symptoms themselves and my dislike of them) then my stomach gets grumbly and i can’t really eat much until halfway through the day. has anyone experienced something similar?",Anxiety
+"for example: let's say i have this appointment next tuesday, at 4pm. up until that day, it's not too bad. i know it's not that day yet, so i'm able to relax a little bit. ""oh, i don't have to do that thing for a another few days, thank god"" but then slowly the day of starts rolling around. the day before i start getting this terrible grumpy attitude and mood, i start feeling depressed, my day is ruined because of this thing the next day. i start losing sleep, i toss and turn at night before this scheduled thing thinking and thinking about the worst thing ever happening tomorrow to me, when in actuality it never turns out to be that bad. then the day of this thing rolls around, i wake up in an absolute foul mood, i set off 3 hours earlier than i probably should have just because i can't bear the thought of sitting in the house when i have this thing coming up (i psychically cannot relax, my body won't allow me). i've tried staying at home knowing i have some appointment later in the day, and i honestly feel like i'm trapped in a jail cell. but then, after all of that, a huge sigh of relief just blows over me. this thing i've been worrying about wasn't even that bad, but the build-up is the real killer, the real anxiety builder and sometimes i honestly feel like i'm losing my sanity. i go from this grumpy, depressed guy to someone absolutely happy beyond belief at least for those few hours after getting something done.",Anxiety
+"anyone else experience this? sometimes i’ll be totally calm (as calm as someone with gad and panic disorder can be, at least), but then i start getting anxious that i’m calm and wonder when the actual anxiety is gonna hit...which can then lead fo a panic attack in itself. wtf??? does anyone else get this? any tips on how to deal with it?",Anxiety
+"i got an offer!!!!!! i went back to pessimism and expecting the worst after a few days of not hearing back, but i did today, and they offered me the job!!!!! higher pay, almost double the pto, amazing benefits... i’m just so excited!!!! i know on my first day i’m gonna have massive anxiety and second guess everything and wish i stayed in my comfort zone but i don’t even care because this just proves to me that if i push through those nasty feelings i really can do anything!! thank you so so so much to everyone that gave such kind words of support and encouragement. this has been a huge life changing step for me and it’s amazing to be able to share it with all of y’all.",Anxiety
+"hey all, i'm an anxiety sufferer for a really long time now, however, i don't claim for it to be no where near as serious as what some of you have. all anxiety is terrible, but mine is weak compared to what i've read.. and that fact alone gives me so much respect for each and every single one of you guys. anyway, a week or so a go, i was reading a thread on this sub-reddit and saw someone repeat a technique their therapist taught them to calm them self down. the technique (from memory) went like this: look at 5 things touch 4 things hear 3 things smell 2 things, and taste 1 thing i've battle tested it and it works amazingly for me. i guess it adds more dimension to just mindfulness. give it a go and see how it works out. i really do hope it serves some help! side note: i'm so sorry not giving credit to the original poster, if you do see this just comment it was your comment and i'll more than gladly give you credit :)",Anxiety
+"my therapist said that i didn't need him anymore. he said that i've improved enough that we can go from bi-monthly sessions to an ""as needed"" basis. i'm so damn relieved! my anxiety was at an all time high just a few months ago. meds and therapy got me to where i am today. there is hope!",Anxiety
+"sometimes this happens to me out of nowhere, but more often before/after anxiety attacks or bad mental health days in general. it’s been really getting to me tonight and i’m not sure what to do about it or how to try to eliminate these thoughts.",Anxiety
+"hi there i was just wondering if anyone experiences the same kind of panic attacks as i do, and if you have any ways of helping yourself. my panic attacks always come down to feeling nauseous and sick, and the fear of vomiting. this means that even the feeling of being full can send me into a spiral of panic. i have spent many an hour hunched over the toilet convinced i'm going to be sick (but i never am). it usually progresses from feeling a bit sick, to full on shivering/shaking and an overwhelming nausea. these kind of attacks only usually come when i'm feeling generally stressed - like before an interview. unfortunately this means that i often struggle to go somewhere because i'm terrified about vomiting on the bus, or driving while i feel so sick. if it happens the night before, it often leads to me not being able to sleep, and in the morning not being able to eat (not helpful when you're about to take an exam/do an interview!). i feel like, if i could just stop the nausea, i could stop the cycle of panic, but nothing seems to work. any hints/tips would be most helpful! thanks :d",Anxiety
+"i was sitting at the doctors waiting for my husband to finish when the 700 club came on the tv talking about how jesus healed mental and physical disabilities. i thought about just going to the car, but i finally asked about changing the tv. unfortunately they just gave me the remote and some older people had just sat down looking directly at the tv. i wanted to change it to cnn but was afraid of them labeling me as a young liberal listening to fake news. so i changed it to local news. so now listening to a million commercials, but none of them claiming i can be cured by allowing jesus into my heart. but i did it!! i'm really proud of myself.",Anxiety
+"i haven't worked for 3 and half years due to my mental health being so bed that i couldn't face it. i worked in a stressful job but had to quit... my new non stressful, just above minimum wage job starts tomorrow and i am so happy! i don't even care about the money, it's not important at this point. i can't wait to moan about being tired from work and having to make my lunch etc. i am 30 years old and finally my life is getting back on track. please don't ever give up if you're struggling. you will make it out at the other end.",Anxiety
+"i wrote a reply to someone elsewhere about my anxiety -- and it made me think about finally speaking about it more publicly. perhaps some people can benefit from my long, embarrassing, terrifying journey. the pictures in this post merely represent improvement over time, although the video would help a lot more, i am not sure if i should publish them or not, at least yet. my journey with anxiety still continues after five years, but at varying points i have had improvements. i lost a job as a result of anxiety, and gradually anxiety took over my life, ending up pure agoraphobic. i did not leave my house for 3 months, and then a few months later i agreed to take fluoxetine (prozac). i started at a mere 1mg because i believed that the medication would make me worse, and result in my death. gradually i rose it over a few weeks until i [finally took my first full to be honest, it gave me headaches but i did sometimes get a feeling of different peace. but then i would often feel quite hyperactive. i started walking to places again, but was probably still using a lot of alcohol at the time. at certain times i would also use propranolol but was convinced it would also kill me. one day i managed to have dental work done, but they gave me 2 diazepam (10mg). the feeling from those finally gave me a feeling of freedom for the first time. i was no longer inside the zone of anxiety. a couple of months past by, and i started acquiring it. eventually i was taking about 10-15mg/day, and the doctors wanted me off it, so i decided to taper. eventually i was off that and onto pregabalin, as it helped the side effects. pregabalin definitely helped me and was the first medication i liked besides the previous diazepam. i have also taken citalopram and hated it, and flipped out and went on an 8 hour bike ride hoping it would come out of my system. although i have had similar thoughts before. sometimes i would freak out and think maybe if i slit my wrists i could bleed out a chemical or something. i guess that is why i was eventually put on something called early intervention for psychosis. **i didn't leave my town for 4 years.** i used a lot of alcohol. i had incidents were i passed out and the usual stuff, and i believed that ultimately, i was going to die. i had nightmares daily about dying in plane crashes. there mere noise of a bus began to eat away at me. i believed that death would be an option, however i never truly acted upon it with intention. i decided to take sertraline at the recommendation of multiple doctors, and all i can say with regards to that is it did help me a bit. gradually i started walking further. but to be honest, i have become very apathetic on it and feel it is time to stop. not to mention it gives me slight diarrhea sometimes. no headaches though. interestingly once i started sertraline, i started therapy, and had a worker within the nhs that drove me to see the sea. [for the first time in 5 years i could hear the -- it was an incredibly experience as quite honestly i believed i should have been dead. i was on 100mg/day, i'm now on roughly 12.5mg. [i caught a bus for the first time and went ...maybe 1/4 of a but that was a success also. i'm a bit more stable these days, however i have relapsed on benzos. at the end of the day benzos are *fucking effective*. they are the gold standard for anxiety. the problem i have right now is i probably should taper but tbh i do not see the point right now -- as i am presently on sertraline still, including ~30-40mg propranolol, ~400mg pregabalin and 10-30mg diazepam. i eventually overcame my fear of propranolol and it actually proved fairly useful. infact in some cases it is more useful than a benzo... sort of. today i am slightly more stable imo, and propranolol and diazepam and pregabalin maintain stability for now. i'd like to try and just decrease all of the drugs in my system. although some people take way more than me :) recently i finally had the courage to travel in a car to other places. [i sat in a city and had no anxious thoughts. i was i am determined to beat this, and i hope my story and pictures can illustrate how when you are in your darkest moment, [there is a chance to see the you can get better, although i am still on that journey myself. we must learn from each other. personally i am slowly coming to terms with the idea i may eventually die, and as such have prepared this however i am determined to live. good luck to you all.",Anxiety
+i just need to get over it!! i can get a job! i can apply! i can interview and do the job!! why is it so hard to make myself do the applications holy shit!!!,Anxiety
+i’m afraid to try new things and afraid i actually won’t be good enough to do them. i always think people are negatively judging me for not being perfect at everything. anyone else?,Anxiety
+"i mean, it’s pretty catch-all, hitting every note from personal catastrophic failure to an impending apocalypse. “well, it’d suck real bad if [blank] happened, but there’s always a rock to smash your own head in with!”",Anxiety
+i can’t converse with anyone without analyzing how i performed afterwards and agonizing over everything i said. this just makes me even more anxious about the next conversation i have and makes me want to avoid people in the future because of how i “performed” in our last conversation.,Anxiety
+"since i was 12ish years old i've had anxiety, and it makes me nauseous and in pain sometimes and sweaty and shaky other times. when i am at my most bad feeling, sometimes i would feel suicidal. aaaaand, for the uplift; when i was 13 i didn't think i'd make it to 20 years old before dying and a couple weeks ago i turned 21!! my life is far from together and i still struggle but i haven't died! and that's something! i hope this isn't too morbid for you guys, it really means something to me that my child self was wrong about this and i felt like sharing.",Anxiety
+"i don’t know if this has been posted on this thread or not but i figured it could help anyone. over the past six months, i have entered this state of health anxiety where i could get countless tests proving against my theory that i have contracted an illness and still worry afterwards that it was incorrect. she taught me about “scheduling worry time”. for example, i have to figure out a time that i can use during the day (she said go for about an hour) and set a timer. during that time and only during that time am i allowed to let my worry spin into a spiral (sounds counter interactive, right?).. however, what you find with using this method is that often times when you are ignoring or distracting yourself from these worried thoughts before the “worry time” is over with, you tend to forget what you had to worry about.. and it helps you keep from worrying at least for most of the day. i hope this helps any one and give it a try if you feel comfortable!",Anxiety
+"i first called my future boss today, (anxiety for calling him). we decided we was gonna drive to the office in the city and talk (the city is 20min away), so i asked my grandma to drive me there. that’s anxiety number 2, being seen with my grandma. i then decided i was gonna go to a store in the city and buy some stuff. this is anxiety trigger number 3. go where it’s a lot of ppl. we went to the office first. he said i can start next week! i even meet my little brothers friends big brother there, cause he was buying something there. the boss even showed me the workspace and his partners and i said hi and talked like i don’t have anxiety / social anxiety at all. i didn’t think “omg what do they think of me etc” nothing like that happened! then we went to the store to buy cloths and some stuff, i went there i talked like normal, i answered hi when the ppl that work there said hi. i looked at them even! then we couldn’t find my cloths really, so we asked a guy that work there. he said follow me and i went away from my grandma cause she went the other way! so now i’m alone with a stranger! i talked to him like normal, i got what i wanted then i said “thank you!” then i calmly walked back to my grandma! then i was gonna try my new bank card. i never used that in a store before and i had huge anxiety that it won’t work when a lot of ppl watching me. so we go to the thingy where u pay, i lay everything up and it didn’t work the first time cause i didn’t push the card all the way in. i even said “hm it doesn’t work” then he said what to do. i did it and i payed then i stood still like so calmly and un anxious while i was looking at my grandma paying when it was like 10 other ppl in the line. it wasn’t a lot of ppl in that store it was no sounds really cause it was only a few ppl there, so maybe i woulda got a lot more anxious if it was more sound/ more ppl but wow i just did this! dijgkwofjskfkdjfjd im so proud of myself! like how on earth did i not feel any anxiety, when normally my anxiety/ social anxiety is god awful! is it cause it’s summer or what?! i just had to share this to someone!!! happy boy. (i’m 20) so a lot of ppl probably expect me to do this without my grandma there in the first place but, i did it!! i didn’t even feel the need to be with my grandma there, like i felt quite confident even if she wouldn’t be there. i did it!",Anxiety
+"hi guys, so yesterday i (23f) had my graduation and i asked my family to be there. i wanted to share this moment, but nothing big. i wanted to go to lunch with them, but they wanted dinner. i tried to push back but a while later i said 'ok. dinner'. it was aweful and i new it was gonna be. ( long story short: i sat there listening to conversations about my parent's business and ate my food) it wasnt my day. but my sister (43) told me ( as everybody else tells me) 'dont whine. they mean well and suck it up' *tl;dr: is it sellfish?! is it really?*",Anxiety
+"i wasn’t an alcoholic by any means but i was using alcohol in the evenings to supress my anxious thoughts. every evening i couldn’t wait to get home from work at 7 and have a cocktail or two to feel relaxed. 3 months later and i’ve learned to deal with my thoughts and anxiety in a more responsible and healthy way. i’m on lexapro also which has helped immensly :) anyone who wants to quit drinking to help with anxiety, do it, it works wonders.",Anxiety
+it's a bloody cycle! the beginning of 2016 i was anxiety free and no attacks whatsoever till june 2016 they suddenly started happening and they were so severe i couldnt walk outside. this carried on till the beginning of this month (november) they suddenly disappeared and im walking freely with confidence alone outside. tho there was no change in medication or lifestyle; everything is still the same. i went from this confident person to this person who's about to pass the fuck out on the street and now back again to this confident girl. my doctor doesn't know why i got the attacks or why they suddenly stopped. it could be because i have my amazing bf now he's making my day everyday or it may be because anxiety attacks are a bitch they come and go. what do you guys think? has this happened to you too?,Anxiety
+"i don't think i have acute anxiety disorder or clinical depression. i only start to worry when problems arise, but my anxiety quickly becomes overwhelming and i become paranoia. i hate when things are out of my control. but have you ever self-sabotaged your own happiness? i remember driving with my friends one day and i was so, so happy. but then it hit me that my happiness will not last long. then i told my friends that since i was happy, something terrible would happen to me very soon. and it sure did. have you ever experienced this before?",Anxiety
+"i'm talking about the kind of people who'd say ""talk to someone"" but would happily ignore you when trying to talk about it to them. this leads to feeling annoyed at yourself for bothering them and then bottling everything up and not talking to anyone about it.",Depression
+tired of trying. tired of crying. tired of pretending to be okay when you're not. tired of forcing a smile when you're dying inside. tired of coping with life. tired of loneliness. tired of watching tv shows to distract yourself from your thoughts. tired of feeling sorry for yourself. tired of being left out. tired of being a burden to everyone around you. tired of looking for things to be grateful and coming up empty. tired of feeling empty. tired of people pretending to care. tired of feeling worthless. tired of failing. tired of never being good enough. tired of fucking everything.,Depression
+"i understand that you cannot have happiness without sadness. but every time i have a good few days, the depression kicks in for the whole next month. it's not even a fair trade, it's like trading in a few nice conversations for a weeklong marathon of suicidal thoughts. the past week went well for me, but i can feel the paralysis creeping in.",Depression
+"i should be cheerful, i should be smiling but i'm not. never thought i could be loved again, especially not now but here i am. like many others i want to love back but there is this force holding me back ever so strong. i don't know what to do. i feel somewhat better and i can sleep again but i know that i will drag her down with me. i'm so lost, i have no control, i'm just like scrap metal in floating in space. i'd appreciate any advice on how to go on with this.. i'm not sure if this is a rant or just venting but i just thought i share my thoughts. edit: thank you all for the replies, i didn't expect anything like this! perhaps give a minute of your life and enjoy eden, it helps when i feel down.",Depression
+"i'm supposed to be intelligent. high iq. all of that bullshit. but i'm so unbelievably stupid. i'm incapable of memorizing anything. i can't seem to comprehend basic concepts. my whole life i've been boosted up by people. ""you're so smart!"" ""you're so talented!"" ""you're amazing!"" it's all bullshit. i completely abhor myself. every. single. thing. about. myself. i look like shit, i have the shittiest personality, clearly no intellectual abilities, no distinguishing talents. i used to have so much potential, anything i attempted, i could manage to succeed more or less well. i had so, so many friends. i was healthy, extremely athletic, curious, happy. i'm a seething orb of self-hatred now. and that's repulsive as fuck. i put on weight on account of my becoming a lazy shit. i intentionally harm anyone who attempts to come close to me. not that there are very many. i pathologically lie. i want to die so badly, but i'm too pathetic to actually end my life. i can't see any possibility of a future for myself. i'm just a leech, sucking resources from everyone around me. i haven't had a hard life at all, it's pathetic to be bitching about poor-wittle-me. i get bored of everything so fast. i pathetically give up on everything too fast. i'm completely useless. everyone has qualities and talents, and that's what everyone tells me, but i cannot think of a single redeeming quality that i possess. i can't seem to sleep, i often spend 2-3 days without sleeping at all, or with 10mn naps interspersed. i'm just so sick of being a pathetic, useless, loser. i could whine and bitch about my easy life all night. sorry.",Depression
+"i made it. fuck everyone who put me down. fuck the bullies, fuck the cliques, i did it. but more importantly, thank you to everyone who kept me going. it brings me to tears thinking about how thankful i am to be here today because of my family, friends, and the wonderful people on this subreddit who helped me when i was down. i feel so immensely proud and happy right now because of my achievements. to all the people struggling through high school and college, there is light at the end of the tunnel. i love you all!!!!",Depression
+"hi. i'm very sorry but i haven't posted here (or anywhere) before. if i break rules or something can you please just disregard this, i don't mean to be rude or inconsiderate or anything. my wife has depression. she has been suffering with it for a few years now. it first hit really hard when she became chronically ill (unrelated to mental health) and her best friends bailed on her for being too much drama. she's had good and rough patches since but tonight has been tough. she sent me this message earlier tonight. ""all my life, i have never been anything other than ordinary. i have never been exceptional in any way. i have never been pretty, or particularly intelligent, or good at sports. i have never been anything over than ordinary. average. i am okay with this. most people really are ordinary. however, i am kind. and generous. i am passionate and considerate and whilst i can be selfish, i am often selfless. i don’t bully or harass others. i vent sometimes about people, but i’m not a gossip, i don’t spread rumours, and i am fiercely loyal. i care about those that i love, and would do anything in my power to protect them. i stand up for what i believe is right. i fight for equality and animal rights. i have plenty of faults. i can be hot-headed at times, but i am almost never unkind. i worry too much and am often incredibly sensitive about things. i am not perfect, and i have made mistakes, but i have never pretended that i haven’t. i have never pretended to be someone i’m not (at least, not since high school). i do not believe i am a bad person. i do not believe that i do bad things or treat others badly. yet all my life i have never been good enough. i’ve had friends, yes, and very good friends. but for the most part, i am hated. i am seriously disliked by so many, and always have been, for reasons i have not and do not understand. i’ve had friends abandon me, time and time again. i’ve been bullied, picked on and ostracised. i was never liked in high school and i frequently overheard my so-called friends say things about me behind my back. i was weird. different. i spoke too much and laughed too loud or i was too quiet and too sad. and nothing has changed. no matter where i go, no matter what i do, no matter who i meet, it’s always the same story. over and over and over again. i am weird. different. unlikable. friends often turn on me, abandoning me for different reasons i am yet to understand. some i never will. and i don’t understand. i really don’t. what is it about me that is so wrong? what do i do that makes people dislike me? what am i missing? do i do something wrong? do i say something wrong? is it the way i act? behave? am i blind to my faults, so much so that i can’t see them? i just want to be liked. i want to have friends. i want to know that the friends i have in my life aren’t going to suddenly abandon me, too. i want to know what is so damn wrong with me that people hate me on such a frequent, regular basis. because this feeling is killing me. and it makes me want to die."" caring for her can be hard but there is nothing more worthwhile that i can do. i'm hoping there is someone on here who can relate with her? if that's you, what do you wish someone had said to you? thank you",Depression
+"i didn't have any friends coming over, most weren't even replying to my text messages, my family and i are in a bad spot right now. i haven't really celebrated a birthday for the past six years, even since grade five, i always just sorta... sat in my basement. and watched youtube. and played video games. like i do most days. but today, i am seventeen. and, goddammit, i will celebrate it this time around. so i went on a walk around the city. i got myself a cupcake from a local cupcake shop (i literally haven't been there in years! i was probably thirteen last time i was there, and they make such good cupcakes, like how the fuck?) and i decided to visit our local art museum and one of those fancy pay-to-visit gardens. i've always wanted to go, but i never really found the motivation. and, yeah, i had to come home after a few hours and study for my math test, but i really enjoyed myself. i haven't had a day where i just said ""fuck it"" and got up and did what i wanted for a day. it was really nice.",Depression
+i hate the fact that euthanasia is not legal in the u.s. imagine being severely sick and suffering and people forcing you to stay alive. that seems like a form of torture to me. i wish guns where legal were i live i would have killed myself a long time ago.,Depression
+"i really let it get out of hand this time folks. i got an email today saying i’m being excluded from my academics (meaning won’t be able to go to class...) because i didn’t pass 2 of my classes. so now, my choices are 1. talk to the dean to see if i qualify for a cancellation of exclusion, 2. get suspended, or 3. drop out of school. this really pushed me over the edge today. full on mental breakdown, got in my car and almost offed myself for good. the thing is, i know i wasn’t doing too great in the fall and i really was trying to turn it around but it was too late. i promised myself i’d get as in the spring. now i guess i can’t even accomplish my goals. i was already depressed out the wazoo during the school year but now if i have to stay home and find a job i really think it’ll push me to the absolute limit. i’m not sure if i’ll be able to take it. i can’t live with my parents again. my dad doesn’t believe in mental illness whatever that means. thinking about this situation makes me hate everything. im so done with life. i don’t know why i even try anymore. i knew i wasn’t cut out for college and i might as well give up and go waitress again",Depression
+when i'm depressed i feel like i see the world for what it really is. claiming depression is a sickness is to assume that happiness is a healthy state that we are all naturally meant to be in. whenever i'm happy i feel like i amn't paying attention to whats going on and subconsciously ignoring all the shit that makes me unhappy. to me depression is just an acknowledgement of how fucked everything is and not being able to ignore it.,Depression
+"fuck you to the people who think just because some of us are strong enough to put on a facade that everything is okay means that we are faking our depression and don't actually have to deal with this mentally debilitating disease. yeah, it is a disease, and no i am not using it as an excuse. i'm sorry just had to rant because those people piss me off so much so that i don't even bother explaining to them how i am feeling.",Depression
+"i am a horrible friend. i have a lot of trouble controlling my mood and when things are bad i'm cranky. i get mad over trivial things because....idk...maybe it's easier to be like that then admit how much everything hurts for no fucking reason. i also vary between very needy and extremely avoidant. i'm super flaky with plans, but i get really upset when other people are like me. i fucking hate myself. no wonder i'm lonely. no one should have to deal with me.",Depression
+"i'm 33, and have been dealing with this beast since about 17.   i managed, got through school, went to a university and graduated with a bachelors in economics, from a uc school (university of california). have had a few relationships, decent number of friends, etc.   currently i'm working at a warehouse making a pittance and living with my elderly parents. for the past years (many) i've seen my peers become successful, establish families, get married; all the typical shit i guess you would expect with someone when they reach 30+.   i feel that i have a high degree of intelligence (i could be wrong), shit, maybe i have aspergers or autism or some shit. anyways...it's like i know where i want to be and i know the necessary steps to take in order to get to where i want to be but i'm incapable of following that path?   what i really want to know (and hope to open up a discussion about) is the people that are in their late 20's, early 30's, and beyond that are still coping with depression. what medications have you tried, what is your plan?   (more background)...most of the time i feel completely apathetic. most nights, since as long as i can remember, i've wished that i wouldn't wake up the next day. i have a very bleak view of humanity and the direction that we're going in. more recently i've debated with myself the purpose of life. ultimately the purpose of a species is to procreate, procreate, adapt, procreate.... if i have no desire to have children then what is the point of my existence? the point is to find happiness and fulfillment and blah blah and i get that...but let's say your brain is miss-wired (depressed) the majority of the time and there's only fleeting moments of happiness then what is the rationality in continuing on?   i'm obviously a cynic, but reasonably so i feel. anyways, i want to change, i want to be happy and have some purpose in my life. i want to hear from the older crowd about what they're doing /have done to make life more purposeful.   sorry for the rant, i'm just getting at the end of the rope and am beginning to contemplate the end; my precariously unleveled existence...",Depression
+"oh you don’t like the way you look? here’s the prison door key for that: stop fucking eating garbage and actually go everyday to the gym you pay $40 a month for.. oh you have no social life? here’s the prison door key for that: join some meetup groups, volunteer, take a creative class, check out that unitarian church, put an ad out on craigslist to find people to play music with oh your lonely? it’d be nice to date? here’s the prison door key for that: use key number one, and then put up some profiles and join some sites.. oh you think you could give trent reznor a run for his money and you’d love to actually create the musical ideas that have been floating around in your head for over a decade? here’s the prison door key for that: take the multiple thousands of dollars worth of musical gear out of their boxes, set them up, watch the fucking tutorials, join forums ask questions, pay someone to come over and explain shit if need be.. but you just keep sitting in your jail cell knowing you have the keys.. weeks turn into months that turn into years .. sitting in misery while dreaming of what life would be like if you could just use the keys you hold in your own hands.. constantly aware of the infuriating absurdity of your predicament..",Depression
+"i'm sorry for my incoherent rambling. i just wanted to get this all off my chest. i never imagined i'd really want to off myself at 24, but here i am. i'm constantly stressed, crying, and pining for a new life. i realized that i wasn't really living so it shouldn't make much of a difference either way. i've been prone to depression for my whole life, but i've found it manageable when i exercise regularly and surround myself with positive people. almost 2 years ago, i started working at a call center as a broker. the kind of emotional abuse i experience from upper management and customers is something that has been deteriorating my mental health. i used to believe that most people are inherently good, but i don't anymore. i would give anything just to not cry all the time. that's all i want.",Depression
+he so clearly had a mental illness and his fans called him a clown and got him no help. then afterwords they spread the suicide hotline numbers like they’re actually doing shit. it’s fucking pathetic.,Depression
+"i'm pretty sure it's the only thing that's keeping me alive, maybe not alive, but wanting to occasionally live. it's an escape, whether playing or listening. i'm glad i have it, but it's also scary to be so reliant on it. i do recordings and write songs, i guess it gives me a sort of purpose. if i do leave, i'll have something that people can look at and listen to as a reminder that i was maybe okay at something in my life.",Depression
+"you know, that endless commentary telling you how awful you are, or how you're screwing up, or how you keep making the same mistakes? that inner fountain of negativity and despair? or is it just me? i think it's a common experience, but it's hard to know when surrounded by people who aren't openly struggling with anything in particular. i've also been told mine is very mean. there are many expletives and much name-calling is done. what's yours like?",Depression
+"i'm trying to keep busy, this july 4th weekend, by painting, but i can't focus. i keep thinking about how everyone is having so much fun, and here i am, as lonely as ever. i didn't feel this shitty since last thanksgiving and christmas :(",Depression
+"apparently it's not normal to immediately self flagellate yourself for even the most minor of offenses apparently it's not normal to treat yourself like you are worth nothing, and to think the very same apparently it's not normal to distrust any good intentions and to dismiss any well meant compliments apparently it's not normal to observe your reflection and harshly criticize the sloppy construction of your face apparently it's not normal to assume everyone you have ever met despises your existence and everyone you ever meet will do the same apparently it's not normal to replay awful memories of you being a terrible human being and consider that you're still that horrible person today apparently it's not normal to reject any form of kindness towards yourself because you know you don't deserve it apparently it's not normal to want to die who'd've thought, huh",Depression
+"you want certian people to always be there for you but they just can't be. they're busy and have their own lives. or maybe they just don't understand how much you're going through, or maybe they don't care too much. i don't know. i get really attached to people at times and constantly wish to be around them and talk to them. i just wish i had a best friend i guess. someone who constantly checked up on me and actually maybe showed concern for my well being. i just want to spend time with someone my age who actually also wants to hangout with me, and not just me wanting to hangout with them.",Depression
+"i've had depression for a little over 10 years. gone through many meds, many therapists, many life changes, and many habits. i have an arsenal of things i know help my depression from personal experience: talking a scenic walk outside, eating well, exercising (cardio, weightlifting, yoga), going to social events to mingle with new people, keeping in touch and hanging out with old friends, maintaining good relationships with family, actively learning or employed regularly, volunteering, cutting back on tv/games to only a few hours a day, meditating, reading a book about philosophy/psychology/self help, taking meds, seeing a therapist i rattled off 13 things there. i've never done all of them at once in my life. right now i have 6, maybe 7, decently covered. i've been at 0 or very low single digits countless times. the rest are things i feel like i can't put enough effort into. hopefully, getting medicated for depression again will help change this. it's just frustrating that i know what i have to do yet my mood makes to so hard for me to actually do basic, easy things to keep myself happy. it's like having a map to a new vacation spot where you'll be finally satisfied. but your car is almost always broken down for some reason. so to get there you have to manually tow it for mile in the mud. and you see the other cars effortlessly whizzing by you and you just want to go back home and quit.",Depression
+fucking sobbing by myself in the dark because this christmas eve was the worst. here's a shout out to everyone else who's sitting in the dark wishing they could just be happy and normal for christmas,Depression
+i think about killing myself fairly often but i don't think i could ever do it because it would devastate my family sometimes though especially on bad days i wish that i was just alone and no one was around to care so i could just do it,Depression
+"i came home from work and my husband had moved out. we had been together for more than 15 years. no desire to discuss what went wrong, no chance of reconciliation, no warning... he was just gone. i’ve had mdd for 9 years following a traumatic brain injury. now i’m in the deepest depression i can imagine. i’ve been hospitalized. i’ve been thru 7 weeks of outpatient. i can barely get myself out of bed. i feel so alone. the worst thing that i’ve ever been thru and the one person who was my best friend in these times is gone. i also self harm and had been clean since hospitalization and just relapsed. each day is longer than the last. my therapist says it’s like a heavy fog and that slowly it will dissipate until one day i just look around and realize i can see clearly again. i make myself do something productive every single day. but it never feels like enough and i have so much guilt for not being able to make myself do more. i also wonder how long until everything physically starts falling apart around me because i’m not functioning and i’m alone in this house. i try to keep it clean. i care for my pets. i try to talk to someone every day so i’m not completely isolated. i’m working part time again and slugging thru it. it’s torture. i just needed to share this with someone other than my journal. the struggle to just survive is so painful.",Depression
+"latest update; if the majority wants me to go into detail in everything of my experience from that night on, the other side and such. id be happy to, i need motivation and comfort to do so. well ive never been on this website. i just googled my thoughts thorough and sorta winded up here. 29 hours ago i ate 30 tablets which of brand i will not state due to security, i drank 10liters of beer, one bowl of hash and said bye. i met my childhood friend, he said i was more than welcome, he missed me, we'd have fun. i instantly thought i was trippin on some sort of marked dope. my long lost friend told me about times i forgot by far, in details, things that i miss. i felt like i was hanging out with him for weeks, when suddenly i saw an old woman which i clearly knew (not going further into details but she is well known by our family as a psychic). she told me to say loudly if i was happy at the moment, which i did. we sat and spoke for what felt like a few hours, about everything. lastly she asked me if i wanted to be happy or feel blank. what's the point of the blank familiar feeling? i said life is blank, you always without exception fill the blanks. in a rush so badly, i coughed blood on my floor leaving trails all the way up to the bathroom. i was not gonna leave, i was on the other side, it's nothing but the blanks you cannot fill inn because it's too late. so later on, i woke up on the er. i felt alone earlier, i wish i was alone when i woke up, but i got huge amounts of love. gonna fill in thread as soon as i recover more, i made a promise to a long lost friend to remember it all. -cpa -2018 closing up, j-6d today - 12/23/17 hello friends, i cant even start to express my graditude and support towards this whole situation. cpa is the wing of the hospital im in for the moment. 2018 is comming to us fast, the last thing i can remember thinking is ""this year is closing up, getting dark and done"" ""j-6d"" - jail for 6 days, not literally but my mind is set somewhere so far from myself i see the rehabilitatin process being some sort of prison. again id like to thank you all, the support on the all new site for me is immense and id never see such an amount of it. keep in mind that english is not my first language, i just see patterns in my head to how it should sound due to my autism. lets start again, i've already fallen back twice. adrenaline popped somewhere in my shoulder to get me back last time, not due to the fact id wanna die. but i've gotten severe damage from the attempt which the doctor said would make life ""different"" for now im doing okay, im tired. really really tired. i feel empty and for the moment completely alone. doc put on donnie darko today, i watched the whole thing thinking about depression and family for some reason. i've seen it a gazillion times but that's the first step to ""different"" i guess, im not familiar with the feelings i got at the moment and im gonna keep posting daily (as far as my body and mind lets me). for the moment i can barely do it, fyi i would never even start typing on here today if it wasn't for all the support and heroism in mankind. you are all my glowing angels, thank you. -xx dxty 3m",Depression
+"i absolutely hate this statement. the thing is, i think you can love someone even if you don't love yourself, and that in itself can be the reason the relationship falls apart. ""why don't you feel good enough? i love you, why isn't that enough? i compliment you all the time. why don't you listen? does my opinion not matter enough?"" it's not that it's not enough. it's that i reject the way you see me because i'm not worth it *in my eyes.* it has nothing to do with what you feel about me, it's just the way i view myself because i've viewed myself negatively for so long, and can't change now. it's too much of a comfort to dislike myself. is that annoying to handle? probably. but, it doesn't change the fact that i can love someone with my whole heart and not feel an ounce of love for myself. can anyone else relate?",Depression
+"no special occasion. i just had a tough day at work so i picked up a big bunch of tulips on the way home. not the cheap ones either, but the lovely fresh perfectly blooming crisp and colorful kind. ""what's the big deal?"" you're probably thinking. the big deal is that there was a time in the not so distant past that the thought of ""treating myself"" to anything ""just because"" filled me with guilt, shame and self loathing. you don't deserve it. it's too good for you. you're not worth the time/effort/money. you are nothing and you have nothing to offer so you deserve nothing in return. so now i really appreciate any small act of kindness i afford myself. yes, there are still days that i force myself to have a cold shower in the morning just because i hate it. i love cooking delicious food for other people, but i still sometimes eat instant noodles when i'm alone and having a bad day because it's a waste of time to cook just for me. but today i showed myself a little kindness. i acknowledged the fact that i work damn hard and i am great at my job. i have value and i am valued. tulips are beautiful and so am i. i deserve to have beautiful things in my life because i am a badass bitch.",Depression
+"the most popular girl in our entire school here goes around bragging that she's depressed, cuts herself, and wants to die. she doesn't realize that the people who are depressed don't want to scream it to the world. she also says that she's the only person who's actually depressed, her life sucks (her family is rich and loves her), she has no friends, and everyone else who thinks they're depressed is not as miserable as she is. (also, i'm pretty sure she doesn't sh based on the fact that she wears the most revealing outfits possible. the only areas she hasn't shown are the ones that don't show when you wear a bikini.) she says she hates herself while trumpeting how awesome she is because all her teachers like her and she aced that test and she's not fat, et cetera. just needed to vent about this. edit: i tried to talk to her about it and help her, maybe share some of my own experiences. yeah, bad idea. also, she doesn't just tell people, ""hey, i'm depressed"". she makes jokes about people who want to die. not her, other people. like me.",Depression
+"i feel pretty good right now, guys. just a little bit of info, i've been self harming since i was 10. for 7 years i've never worn short sleeves outside because i was afraid that someone would find out or judge me because of it. today, i'm finally ending this cycle of self harm. i've kept myself clean and resisted urges for 2 years, waiting for the day i could finally replace the scars with something i love: books. specifically, a literary tattoo! here's a comparison photo (warning: may be triggering, contains scar photos): it's only half done, but i felt like sharing anyway! the lightbulb is inspired by anthem by ayn rand, the moth by the death of the moth by virginia woolf, and some nice green roses to represent oscar wilde. all represents individuality, finality, and pride in being ""different"". these works and people kept me alive through the years. thanks for listening. i don't post often, only when i feel really, really bad. this time i'm glad to be posting something good. :) edit: here's a proper look at the tattoo:",Depression
+"i miss the freedom and carefree aspect of my youth and i crave it, often daydreaming about ‘better times gone by’. (long hot summer holidays, playing outside al day long, watching the stars, first exciting nights out as a teen....) but the reality is that even my childhood & adolescence was marred with depressive and negative thoughts! i’d love to appreciate the present.",Depression
+"i do this all the time. if i'm crushing on someone, my mind will usually be filled with a bunch of sappy romantic plot lines, that will never happen in real life lol",Depression
+"i have somebody in my life now. a few months ago i posted about having nobody to talk to. well, last week that changed. during school, (hs btw) i was sitting in class doing nothing. deadpan as ever, when this girl in front of me just turns around and start talking to me. i was caught off guard. i haven't had a loose, non structured, conversation with a stranger for a very long time,. a girl even moreso but i talked to her, let my guard down for a minute and really had a good time talking to this stranger. after the class, we parted ways. i was extremely happy. talking to somebody after all this time has really helped wifh my self worth issues. the fact that somebody just talked to me out of the good of their heart is very foreign to me. now, we talk periodically, and i feel human for the first time in a long time. wish me luck, guys.",Depression
+"i don't see it being discussed much. it makes me feel rather isolated. i don't think i even remember joy. i only seem to recall fear and deep sadness. i've been depressed since i was 9. i suppose i was genetically predisposed to it as it runs on both sides of the family. a lengthy move across the pond, and the bullying that went with being the new, weird kid at school triggered it. an inferiority complex due to a learning disability only made it spiral uncontrollably. most people my age (i'm turning 18 next month) seem to be so excited about life, but i only feel helpless. i am exhausted at this point in life, and feel like i can barely keep up with the ever so busy and growing world. depression has taken all interests and motivation away from me. i have a rather vapid life with a personality to match. i'd be open to read your experiences and feelings!",Depression
+"like the real laugh, from the heart... and its usually about something stupid but it feel so good and you stop and think of how long its been since that happened, and how you cant imagine that people are laughing and feeling like this all the time? when i get where i'm going i'm going to laugh and smile like that every day, and its going to be amazing.",Depression
+"word to the wise, if you want to commit suicide don't call anyone for help. they send a fucking ambulance, force you into it by strapping you down, send you to a mental hospital for mandatory 72-90 hours (weekends don't count), drug you up until your delusional and then bill you for the whole damn thing so you're broke and suicidal again. next time i have a gun to my head i'm pulling the trigger, calling for ""help"" makes everything worse.",Depression
+"when i get close to people, tell them my story, they either ghost me or lose interest, im such a compassionate, caring loving person. im very genuine. i always put people above my own needs and. when they end up leaving i get really fucking depressed... i invest all of me into people just from who i am... just to get lwt down in the end... i just wish someone would fucking stay...",Depression
+"i don't really *want* anything, so i just try to fake it. i pretend i'm into whatever it is my friends are interested in. i pretend i like going to see movies with them. i just spent 3 days at a gaming convention where i pretended to enjoy myself. i feel like the only thing i genuinely want, is food and sleep. i wish i wanted things. even simple, stupid shit. i have a friend who is passionate about lego and can't wait to buy his next lego set. i'd love to be that passionate about something. i don't care how trivial it is at this point. i just want to look forward to something or enjoy a hobby. everybody else seems to know so much about their favourite topic and they never seem to get tired of it. i just don't understand.",Depression
+"don’t get me wrong , i’m very grateful that i can take care of myself , but i’m still depressed so i think i get at least some leeway to be pissed about this . what i hate is that when you’re high functioning you don’t have an illness to fall back on . it’s like when arthur fleck says “the worst part about having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t” . that’s extremely true in all cases but that’s how i feel right now as a high functioning . when you’re not high functioning people see that you’re not okay and the cut you some slack sometimes , but when you’re high functioning and nobody knows everything is on you . for a while i was vegan but recently transitioned to vegetarian because for a time period i wasn’t eating . i’m sure you guys know how depression makes you not feel like going to eat ... you’re hungry but don’t feel like eating . so for roughly a week i was eating almost nothing but skinny pop and if not i was eating once a day because that was the only vegan thing i didnt have to cook in my house . so someone at school asked why i’d switched my diet so i told them “so and so started telling people i was starving myself” so my cousin goes “you wouldn’t believe it omg if you heard how so and so said it ! she said it like she (me) was depressed!” and that’s the thing . i’ve been depressed for the last four years , but i’m high functioning so is it really valid ? when you don’t feel like cleaning or doing your laundry you’re dirty . when you can’t bring yourself to pick up after yourself you’re dirty . and why’s that ? because nothing is wrong with you and there’s no reason for you to be doing this . they don’t understand depression and it shows . it’s just annoying when you have to be normal like everyone else even though you constantly struggle and nobody sees that . it’s like if it isn’t tangible it just isn’t true !",Depression
+"anyone else fantasize about this? this thought has become extremely dominant in my mind lately. i would love to see how ""friends"" and family react to my death. as dark as it sounds i can't help but feel curious. just a day or two of mourning and then back to normal. forgotten. just like how people forget i still exist now.",Depression
+"for the first time in a long career of being a depressed human being, i was told ""it gets better"" un-ironically during an otherwise constructive conversation. it made my face flush and i immediately had the urge to end the conversation. so i did. and now i feel like an ass. the phrase ""it gets better"" doesn't seem terrible at face value. i mean, it really isn't terrible. but i feel as though in past years, at least in the us, there has been a rather prolific ad/psa campaign based around the phrase ""it gets better"". it feels contrived and inauthentic. it's the poor man's way of saying ""i get what you're saying, but i don't have the emotional capacity to support you right now"". and that's fine, if that is the purpose it's supposed to serve. it's a slogan, a catch-phrase, and not an effective means of providing emotional support or insight. it's the ""got milk?"" or ""just do it!"" of depression support advocates. i'm genuinely not sure what aspect of depression it is supposed to hint at, aside from perhaps the small percentage of mdd/gad sufferers that feel drive toward self harm and suicide - and even then, i think would hate to hear this if i were in that position. **does anyone feel the same way? is there perhaps any other phrase or word that ""triggers"" (for lack of a better word) anger or negative feelings relating to depression/anxiety?** to keep this from being an entirely negative discussion, feel free to add and discuss the aspects of your treatment plan that you've had success with. for me, after years of genuinely perfectionist approach to lifestyle (diet, exercise, sleep), beginning a regime of ssri in the form of lexapro was the first thing that made me feel as though my situation was improving. best of luck, everyone. i just felt as though this was the proper place to share my negative outlook and maybe get some feedback.",Depression
+"i’ve been feeling pretty depressed over the past 2 weeks, usual symptoms, might go to the doctor to check it it. anyways, i was wondering if it is normal for me to cry when i feel sad, i’ve heard a lot about only girls being allowed to cry and boys online being allowed to be angry or gritty or some bullshit. i get urges to cry everyday, no matter how the day turns out, from 9-4am i am sitting on my bed listening to my music while crying a lot.",Depression
+"i don't just mean because i haven't slept, although sometimes that is the case. what i really mean is i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of feeling worthless and useless. i'm tired of trying so fucking hard and it still not being enough. i'm tired of getting up again. i'm tired of lying. i'm tired of people taking advantage. i'm tired of people not understanding. i'm tired of the pain. i'm tired of surviving. i'm tired of existing. i'm so goddamn tired",Depression
+"i have seen many posts about wanting to die, wanting the depression to end. i understand that as i have been there. now i'm just tired of living. i don't have the strength/energy to fight anymore. i am so tired of being in the rut. no desire to do anything, not watch tv, movies, play video games, any hobbies i use to enjoy. i can't even seem to push myself to try. i go to work and simply continue to exist because my family needs me to. i know i love them more than anything but not being able to feel it just makes the depression worse. this is not a brand new issue, i've felt this way for some time now. just needed to share. i hope that if i stop keeping this to myself, keeping it inside hidden that i will be able to let it go. stop focusing on this so it will lessen. thanks for reading.",Depression
+"i know the wish for terminal illnesses is oft discussed here, but watching a medical program where one of the mains was just given 3-4 months has reminded me how wonderful it would be to take the cancer off someone who wants to live. like a morbid exchange program where we get their rapidly approaching death and they get our unwanted years of life.",Depression
+might sound weird but i love dogs so much. they're the only thing that gives me genuine joy lately and i just hope i make it long enough to give my love to one.,Depression
+"here’s the deal. i can feel you sinking again but i know you have a hard time reaching out. i can say that you are not a burden a thousand times but that doesn’t mean you will believe it. that’s ok, that’s where you are right now. i’m not going to let you sink again though. i promise. here’s what i’m going to do. i��m going to come over and knock on your door until you have to get up and let me in. it will get louder and louder i promise. if you don’t let me in, i will find a way to break in. don’t test me on that. once i’m in you are going to take a shower. then we will do your laundry together. then we will clean your room together. then i’m going to sit beside you as you go through your emails and your facebook messages and we’re going to respond to them together. then we are going to make appointments together, call the people you need to together, and make a todo list of all the things you/we need to get done in the next week. then we are going to cook some healthy food together. you can chop, you can do nothing, that’s alright. but we are going to eat it together. then we are going to exercise. i’m going to throw a ball at you and you damn well catch it or else it will hit your face. then we are going to the drugstore and picking up some of the stuff that you need including medications if you need them. then we are going grocery shopping for all of the food you/we will need to cook for this week. you can stay silent the whole time, i don’t mind. i promise you. or you can talk, which would be nice too. either about your feelings or some other random shit, i don’t mind either. here’s your part though. you have read receipts on. if i don’t get a reply in 5 minutes i’m assuming that’s a green light and i’ll come over. if you don’t want me to come, that’s ok. i don’t mind. i promise. you’ve got 5 minutes to let me know though. i love you. edit: came back and found a lot of love. thank you all <3 knowing i'm not the only one who wants this doesn't make me feel a whole lot better, but it makes me feel a little less alone. i hope that if you are in the position to help someone with depression you keep these words in mind. they won't work for everyone of course but i know they'd work pretty well for me.",Depression
+"i live a very mediocre, sometimes even luxurious life. i’ve never been through any trauma or abuse or loss. and yet i’m severly depressed and i hate life so much. when i see other depressed people who’ve been through real trauma, it makes me feel extremely guilt. i feel like i’m a spoiled little bitch and i want to be punished for it. sometimes i fantasize about having horrible things happen to me or i exaggerate the somewhat bad experiences i’ve been through just so i can validate my depression. is there a name for this phenomenon? and does anyone else experience it?",Depression
+"i was already feeling down. i was thinking that i'm human garbage and all i do is waste resources. i went out to eat with my family. i felt bad because i'm currently unemployed. my dad starts talking about jobs, and how i need a ""grunt job"" like his. my dad's ""grunt job"" pays $25 an hour, full time, and has benefits. the grunt jobs i've been applying too, i'm lucky if the pay above $10 an hour. a good chunk of them are part time, less than 24 hours a week and have no benefits. anyway, when i got home, i had to a poop. i overheard my dad complaining to my mom, that i need to grow up and get a real job. he's tired of paying for everything. he told her i can go fuck myself. it's his house, his rules. even though i don't have a job, i try to do things around the house, like clean it up and manage our dogs (feed them, walk them), ect. i guess that isn't enough. i've felt like human garbage for a while, but this just cements it. i'm just a waste. i'm thinking about trying to hang myself again.",Depression
+"everyday, multiple times a day, i think about suicide. some days are better and others are worse but everyday a thought about suicide comes to my mind. the thoughts i have about suicide vary heavily from thoughts of wanting to die, wishing i was never born, and thinking about how suicide could free me from this shitty life i have made for myself. i am 19 now and people telling me things will change and improve, but things have never really gotten better for me. it is getting to the point where i do not think i can live this way any longer, right now i feel like a ghost just drifting along, trying to stick it out hoping something brings me back to life. if not, 27 club here i come",Depression
+"my best friend visited my city last weekend. i found out from a facebook post about how great it was seeing all his friends. 'had a great weekend thanks to all my london friends, see everyone in a few months!' shit man. when i get married he'll be my best man, and he didn't even think to text when he spent a weekend in my city.",Depression
+"i woke up today wanting to die. i was planning on doing it after school so i decided school was pointless to go to. i walked to the mall by my school and went to a kneader's and ordered french toast. french toast has always been my favorite so i figured it would be a good last thing to eat. i pondered a ton about my life and what it is i really want. i felt super empty but also my mind was racing with thoughts. i had convinced myself i needed to finish my life today. i had been thinking for about half an hour when an elderly man sat across from me and gave me a hot chocolate. he said that he ordered it for me because he could tell i needed it. he told me ""i don't know what you're going through, but life will get better."" and then he left. and then i cried. and now i'm back at school, and i think i want to live. edit: thank you to everyone who responded to this and messaged me and just were so kind. <3",Depression
+"this is something that i struggle with on and off every day. i feel worthless because i'm not bringing in money for my fiancee' and i. i know money doesn't make you happy, but i just always feel worse when i think about it. i'm thinking about donating plasma or something just to get some income.",Depression
+"i deliver pizza. sometimes people will put silly things in the delivery instructions. a lot of 16-22 girls will casually sexually objectify us by putting things like, ""send the cutest boy!"" or something like that. i don't like it, but whatever. the drawbacks of living in a patriarchy is that teen girls can be gross leches and get away with it, i just try and do my job. we don't get to pick what orders we take. so i got stuck with one that said ""send your cutest boy"". i do not have very good self esteem. i once weighed close to 300 pounds, but through diet and a lot of exercise i've been able to get down to 230. i was sexually abused when i was 5 years old and have ptsd from it. i've spent my life feeling beyond ugly. sick and just repellent. when i made the delivery, the girl made a face at me. like not just a ""oh darn. a guy who looks about 29 and isn't a star athelete (like some of the guys i work with)."" it was a full on, ""ugh"" face. she tipped me and i gave her good service and was very polite despite feeling very offended to be judged when i'm just trying to do my job and didn't ask for this. later that night i find out she actually put ""i ordered the cutest delivery boy and didn't get it"" as a complaint in our feedback form which can both be seen by literally everyone i work with as well as our corporate office. so my entire store knows i was called ugly. and because of my self esteem issues...despite knowing this girl is a sexist asshole, i have felt like i'm about as attractive as a puss filled tumor all night. i could call this person up and let her know what her cruelty did to me. i could write all this up in a note and leave it at her door, but all it would do is make me look crazy because a 17 year old with bad skin and a terrible dress sense called me ugly and made me feel 2 inches tall after trying to sexually objectify me when i'm just trying to do my damn job. thank you for reading. you're a nice person and i love you.",Depression
+this is becoming a problem. this is not the first time this has happened either. i am surprised i have not been fired. i just can't get up. i am so unmotivated. help! what can i do?,Depression
+"i'm not sure where to post this, i just need to talk about it. two days ago my mother was told she had 3 weeks left to live. she couldn't move or talk and her breathing was fast. two weeks before that she was in remission for breast cancer and fine then fast forward to now and the problem was her liver, they had to keep draining fluid.. last night she said one thing to me, it was what seemed like seconds of clarity, that she loved me and called me by my name. i told her goodnight and that i loved her, knowing she wouldn't make it i had to call everybody and inform them things took a turn for the worst. 4am this morning she passed away and i'm completely torn up. waves of depression and a million other emotions keep hitting me every ten minutes. i don't want this depression to eat me alive. i'm now the sole provider for my little sister and we have to be positive... it's heart breaking. i want to sleep forever and cry all day. i'm depressed and miss my mom. edit- thank you to everyone who commented such nice things and messages of support. it really helped to read through some of them and realize i'm not alone and she is without pain and suffering now. to have so many people care about someone they never met is amazing and i have no words.",Depression
+"i always feel so consumed by self hatred and the fact that i can be such a piece of shit. i am scared i might actually do it some day. that i might actually take myself out. i have recently been thinking about breaking my own finger, punching myself, trying to break an arm and even jumping from my room on the 10th floor of the building. i have thought so much about what i could do to myself to seemingly punish myself for merely existing. i'm scared and i cant handle the stress anymore and i want something bad to happen. that's all that's ever on my mind anymore, is i wish something would come and hurt me in some way.",Depression
+"- keeping the appointment with the dentist, because tooth pain sucks, even though all you really want to do is stay in bed - scheduling an appointment for the root canal you need, even though the mere thought of the procedure has you quaking in your boots - paying the bill that's ten days late for no reason other than you couldn't bring yourself to task on the day it was due - taking the car to the shop because the check engine light has been on for weeks and the inspection is due at the end of the month - doing all of the above and still not feeling proud of yourself or accomplished because there are a hundred other small things you're avoiding or flat out ignoring just to keep from feeling like your life is spiraling down the drain. who the hell let me adult.",Depression
+"i didn't wake up yesterday until 6pm. i laid in bed until 9, woke up and bought a case of beer and 2 packs of cigarettes and started binge drinking. i took a shower for the first time in days. i wanted to be clean and drunk for what i planned to do. today is my 25th birthday. i didn't want to live this day. i planned to cut my arms up and bleed to death in the shower, but i wanted to play a few last rounds of rocket league to calm my nerves. then i got a message from a random player i was in a few matches with: ""wanna play in a party? playing with randoms is getting on my nerves."" i'd never played in a party with a friend, let alone a stranger, but i thought why not? we got to playing and he asked if i had a headset, which i do. we started talking and the matches went by as the conversation flowed. we had so much in common that it was almost freaky. as of writing this, it's 6am. i had no intention of being alive right now, but we had so much fun playing together that i completely forgot about my plans to kill myself. so, devin, thank you for saving my life. thank you for showing me a kindness i haven't felt in months. thank you for being so open and honest with me. thank you for showing me a reason to live. thank you. and thank you so much to all of you sweet, caring people. your words of kindness have continously lifted my spirits throughout the day today. i've told my family everything and will be seeking help in the form of therapy and a possible medication adjustment, if necessary. if you're out there reading this and you can't see the way back up, cling to me and we'll climb up together. again, thank you all so much for taking the time out of your day to wish me well and feel free to pm me anytime or to add me on psn: coonroast55 (it has to do with my last name and the fact that me and my friends used to put -roast on the end of everyone's last name for no reason whatsoever). <3",Depression
+"you guys ever get outside, get that extreme spark of motivation like, “fuck yeah! things are looking up for me now. this world can kiss my ass because i’m gonna make it out of here!” then, what feels like seconds later, something comes and rains shit on you. it’s like nothing ever lasts. when the fuck are people like us ever gonna get a break? were shoveling shit all day, everyday and nobody fucking cares. but the instant we say we’re giving up, everyone’s like “oh no! you have so much to live for! think about x,y, and z! you can’t give up! things are gonna get better!” yeah, shove it up your ass. you’re just trying to make sure your conscience is clean when i’m dead and gone. you think you care, but you’re really just being cautious for yourself and trying to save your own soul while acting to save another. good luck with that. i’m tired of being told to get help. with what fucking money? all just to talk to some damn superficial person who is literally being paid to be a friend to me because i’m so fucking shit at doing it without paying? what the hell is the point of trying? i’m stuck here, just like i’ll always be. just give me the freedom to take my leave. i’ll be happy then, but i’ll be decaying in the ground by then. ironic, huh? i wish things were different.",Depression
+the truth is everyone wants to be around someone who exhumes positive energy and someone who is funny and confident. a depressed person is everything opposite of that. i want to say that you should reach out to people for help but i gotta say that you have to careful who you reach out to. it could also destroy friendships. the thing is not everyone is in the right headspace to help another person and some people are just not mentally mature enough to help. edit: i want to emphasize that i might not be able to respond to every reply but everyone's comment is important.,Depression
+i just don't get it. i've been depressed for so many years that i've completely forgotten what it's like to live normally. i can't fathom that there are mentally stable people who live most of their lives as mentally healthy people. i just can't understand it and i hate them.,Depression
+"no control, no ambition, no motivation. just nothing. i really wish i could muster up effort to start anything. go to the doctor, talk to somebody, start a hobby, start learning something, but instead i do nothing and feel fucking powerless. if i do do something, i quit after one or two days.",Depression
+"i don't know if it's because i feel they won't care, like i'm being annoying, or if i realize i simply don't want to share. i just know i do it.",Depression
+it's 1:40pm and i am sitting alone in taco bell eating a shredded chicken burrito and nacho fries. dining room is totally empty. wendy's is normally where i go because the dining room is always more active and feels a bit more cozy vs the sterile decor and hard seats of taco bell but i am getting bored of eating the same thing so figured i'd have some tb instead. not even sure of the point to typing this other than than to share my boredom. outside of errands or making service calls to clients my fast food outings are usually the only time i go out of the house.,Depression
+"you’re depressed! you’re okay, it’ll take time, but you’re okay! what the hell is taking so long, life blows, you’re depressed again! you woke up and got dressed today, it’s looking up from here? sike, you fucking idiot, did you truly believe your depression was done with you? you’re dumber than you lead yourself to believe! okay, we’re okay, we’re gonna make it. i just gotta stay strong. oop, you fucked up once today, i’m dragging your ass back into the dark. over and over and over! is there really only one way out? i don’t know if i wanna die, i got a brother who may need me one day. i’m tired. so tired, man.",Depression
+"did my title catch your attention enough? good. because i have no idea what to write here. only time i need to use a subreddit like this is when i'm really freaked out, and when i'm upset like this i can't think straight and write some awesome cool post for you, sorry. edit: wow! i had no idea this would blow up like it did. the reason why i made a title that demanded such attention was because i saw all these other posts flying by with 1 or 0 comments on them. thank you for all the responses. i'm going to be writing an update post which will be titled something along the lines of [""my fate rests in this title: creative.. i know.. thank you and have a good day! edit 2: added link",Depression
+"i’ve been having the worst time of my life these past months and in return, i’ve been late on assignments. my parents know that i’ve been dealing with really bad depression and anxiety lately and i’ve told them the reason why my assignments are overdue. it’s because i’m too mentally drained and unmotivated to do it. i️ can’t come up with anything to write because i’m too focused on how bad everything is. they never ask me how i’m doing, they ask me if i️ve gotten any homework done yet. and i️ just can’t take it anymore.",Depression
+"this field needs higher barriers of entry and more active policing among its members. people always say ""see a therapist!"" but man, there are a lot of fucked up and dangerous therapists out there. therapists who are more than willing to use your depression against you and for their favor. hoo boy i've met some messed up therapists. i decided to try and find one again, and they're either booked or creeps. when people say ""see a therapist!"" they should put an asterisk next to it that says ""warning: therapists are often dangerously unethical and creepy. be careful."" of course what ""see a therapist!"" really means is ""stop bothering me with your problems, i'm trying to watch netflix in my pajamas."" such is life, eh? /rant",Depression
+"am i the only one? am i being rude? there’s this coworker of mine who’s always so cheerful and laughs super loud and high pitch like some disney character. i try to think positive and understand that she’s actually a sweet person, but she irritates me. aaaand truthfully... i used to be bubbly and a people person. then shit happened. and now i just want to be left alone in silence. with my cat.",Depression
+"my depression is clinical, but i know that depending on my situation, it affects it heavily, i know that my depression would still be there even if i were to just take my savings and go off somewhere, but the thought of ""starting over"" from the ground up is very attractive. i would still be depressed, but possibly happier. somewhere where i can put on a persona and be someone else. get out of my current environment of a job i hate, and an undesirable living situation with my mother. i don't like the area or state i live in either. i wish it were just that easy to pack my bags and leave. well it is, but i'm not savvy or street smart enough to figure out what to do once i was in a new place. i still daydream about it a lot though. starting over sounds nice.",Depression
+"i've been depressed since i was a child. diagnosed at 7 years, and unsuccessfully treated for the next 6. i lie when my mother asks if i'm ok. i don't cut because people would ask questions. and i can't put those closest to me through the confusion and trauma of a seemingly inexplicable suicide. for all they know, i'm happy. but i'm not. and i haven't been for nearly my entire life. i turn 31 next week. i've put up with my depression and gritted my teeth hoping time would resolve it for me. or maybe i'd find someone that could see the impossibly subtle signals i've woven into my personality. but i guess i've gotten too good at lying. just never good enough to actually fool myself. i feel stuck. forced to live a long con. my life doesn't matter enough to be anyone else's problem, and for most of the same reason, i don't even have the luxury of ending it. it's just not an option. i've made the mistake of allowing the people i care about to love the facade i've constructed, and now i have to drag it along with me. i suppose i was being selfish, but i thought it might help being loved. that i could beat depression by overwhelming it with affirmation. but all i've really done is given my life value through others. it no longer belongs to me, and it wouldn't be fair to take it from them. and this is my hell; personally crafted and painfully maintained. my depression has achieved complete saturation, and has found a way to perpetuate itself through guilt. this isn't a cry for help, or an admission of weakness. i just want someone to know. i am suffering, and i need this one selfish moment to allow myself to feel like it's all real. as if it means something. because once i log off, it'll just be me again.",Depression
+"i've been in this shit for 3 years, and i have literally zero friends. the only people i speak to are my parents, and they annoy the fuck out of me. my grades are so poor i almost got dismissed from the university. everyone around me is getting laid and having the time of their lives. they're all making connections to their lucrative new jobs and falling in love. i have absolutely none of that. i'm not even interested in my fucking major, and i'm not talented enough to survive if i drop out. all of these trends like netflix & chill and snapchat and pokemon go, i haven't experienced any of them, because i have no one to hang out with. it's just been 3 years of pure loneliness.",Depression
+"i'm going through some rough times, sure, but i definitely don't have it the worst. my family loves me and i've got one or two good friends but i just can't help but feel like something's missing. always. and it doesn't help that i'm a dude either. if you're a guy, you're expected to be able to ward off any sadness and just get on like normal but it's not that easy. i know something's wrong with me but i feel like everyone thinks i'm too good to be depressed and i can't let my emotions out. damn this is hard.",Depression
+"i wish i could just cease to exist. not to die, but to never even exist. never been born. everyday it gets harder and harder to get up and go about my day. i feel like a fuck up and a disappointment to my family. no matter how hard i try and get my shit together something pops up and it gets worse. the stress, the anxiety, the thoughts. they eat away at me and the longer it goes on the more i want to disappear. i don’t even know why i’m posting this here. i just needed to write it out somewhere. god even on here i want to say sorry to you guys. everything i always end up saying to people. i’m sorry for being a bother. i’m sorry for you having to waste your time pretending to care about me.",Depression
+"i am so fucking tired of seeing some pretty faced halfwit trying to console me on my life acting like they understand but clearly have no fucking grasp on what depression is like. they give these extremely trivial and laughably meaningless reasons not to end it all and all it does is make it worse. listing music and videos as """""""" reasons"""""""" not to kill ourselves doesn't actually fucking help anyone. /rant",Depression
+"it is such a cruel catch-22, how from within this condition of intense isolation, dread, and dysfunction, the nicest thing would be to have people around to talk to and be close to -- yet being afflicted by those things makes you an unattractive person to be around, and incapable of seeking out and making friends.",Depression
+i think about killing myself all the time but when i really think about it i don’t want to die. i just don’t want to be here anymore. i don’t want to be who i am. i don’t want to live my life anymore. i wish i could just go away and start over but i know at the end of the day the real problem is in my brain and i can’t escape it. there are so many things i love but i hurt so much and it doesn’t make sense.,Depression
+"i feel like i almost get some weird sense of satisfaction when i'm in a cycle of self loathing. i don't feel happy during it, but there's something addicting about having that nasty inner critic voice just shit on me and my self worth. it may be a type of cathartic release i'm feeling. whenever i try to reason with these thoughts and assert my worth, i feel uncomfortable. maybe it's because i feel undeserving and that i'm lying to myself to feel better. it's easier to mope and let the spiral of negative thoughts continue, and any resistance to it feels straining and requires a lot of mental effort. tl;dr anyone else feel a sense of catharsis when you have a spiral of negative thoughts of yourself? any tips for getting out of that cycle of thoughts?",Depression
+"it's really silly, but i need to walk one egg a day, do one raid and get 10'000xp. that's the only freaking thing i can get done in a day. it has no value, but at least it's something.",Depression
+"title. 25m for reference, here to vent and commiserate okay so years upon years of soul-searching and bearing with the onslaught of pain and bullshit of life and maybe a few hundred downward dogs and hypocritical spiritual begging and i have finally gotten to the point where 51% of the time suicide is not in my immediate consciousness. great... **now what?** i still don't want to live, or at least have no motivation to, like, *live.* i save every penny i make. i live with my parents and have absolutely no incentive to move out. if i moved out i would just sleep and read and sit in a chair in an otherwise empty apartment with a recurring rent bill higher than my paycheck instead of in a house with my parents and pets occasionally around. i don't like to travel, i don't like to go places, i am passionate about exactly nothing, the opportunity cost of anything material i could buy to bring into my life is too high, i can't go back to school because my degree is stupid and, well, i just don't care. i don't care. i'm empty. i just exist. i exist to exist. every single human in my vicinity criticizes my inaction. people don't understand that just working, doing yoga, reading and sleeping are the only things i can even force myself to do and bear with the pains associated with them. if there's a flame inside people that burns and motivates and gives people the desire to acquire things and go experience things and want to make their lives into something different, or just well, makes people fucking ***do*** anything, well, i don't have it. mine's burnt out. i am burnt out. thanks for reading my lame-ass post, please share your experiences, and maybe if you're a zen master share how you've re-lit your internal flame ​",Depression
+"i used to think i was content with being depressed, i've felt it for so long that i just decided to embrace it and give up socialising or reaching out. then when you meet someone really nice briefly you are reminded on what you're missing out on in life and just feel like shit for ages afterwards, i'm sick of feeling that. i feel like i'll always be nomadic with relationships and friendships and just endlessly drift through life alone. it's weird, some days i can give advise, today though i don't really feel too good. i know i just have to push on with life but it doesn't half get lonely living my life.",Depression
+i find that through it all the worst part is just being so tired all the time. like sure sometimes i’m in a lot of pain but basic tasks are always hard and i just want to be in bed. anyone else and any advice?,Depression
+"no i'm not staying in bed until 3pm because i think it's cool, funny or that i'm lazy. it's because i can't bring myself to get up. i'm not wasting my life away on purpose or by choice. this isn't how i want things to be.",Depression
+anytime i go to a party or an event i just feel worse afterwards. every part of me just feels completely worse after the event. am i just going crazy or does this happen to others?,Depression
+"my depression has the opposite effect on me, it makes me want to eat a lot every time i get sad. i've been obese my whole life and i fear i'm starting to get health problems because of that. i've tried to lose weight many times before but it's really hard to eat less and exercise when you don't have any energy or motivation at all... i wish i didn't want to eat. is it weird? edit: forgot a word. also, i know that not eating is as bad as over-eating, it's just that i am obese and if i could lose weight without trying it would be one thing less to worry about i guess",Depression
+"you can cuss me out with insults, you can treat me like a subhuman, you can spit in my face, whatever. but please, please don't ignore me. i want my existence to be acknowledged. i want to be sure that i'm not just an invisible pair of eyes roaming around, witnessing everything happening without anybody noticing i'm there, like i'm an outsider looking in. please don't make me feel any more isolated than i already do, like i have no friends who genuinely care about me. i know i suck, and i know i fuck everything up frequently, and you're welcome to hurl expletives at me for it. i deserve it. but whatever you do, i'm begging you, *please* don't act like i'm not there at all.",Depression
+"have you ever hated everything so bad that you just wanted to be nothing...like literally nothing, just blank. \- it's like the fear many people have of there being nothing but blank when they die, but for that nothigness to be your escape?",Depression
+"when you have depression or anxiety aging feels 10 times worse. i’m 21 and i feel incredibly old already. i suppose the worst part is that when you are a kid in highschool people always say that life “gets better” and of course the media really hypes up your early 20s as the best time in your life. i am very socially isolated with no friends. all i do is attend community college and feel like a failure... yet this is the so called “prime of my life?!” i find it depressing that my physical peak is coming and going so quick. i feel like i have no control over time - i constantly worry about how fast it’s passing and i’m not afraid to make life changes due to anxiety. i know , life doesn’t end when you turn 30. but for someone like me who probably never will get married or have kids aging seems hopeless. my body will decompose all while i get forgotten about by the world. hell, being lonely at 21 sucks enough i can’t imagine being lonely and isolated at 40+ .",Depression
+"i wish i could hibernate. i don't want to die, i just want to go to bed for a couple months and come back to the world when i feel ready.",Depression
+i feel like shit mentally and physically and i'm terrified :( and all at the time when i have received horrible news.. edit: thank you everybody who has commented and whoever else might want to share their experience. every single one of you has alleviated my depressive thoughts and anxiety. thank you. i hope this post has done the same for some of you aswell.,Depression
+"ever since i was little, i was always that odd person that would try to put herself into situations in order to socialize and have a group of ""friends"". i was always left out because of this and they actively tried to avoid me. i just gave up trying to make friends for a long time until i hit high school. i was se\*\*\*lly a\*\*aulted when i was 14 and i was scared to do anything or be alone, so i broke out of my anti-social shell and made friends. i was friends with this small group until we graduated high school. i'm a junior in college and i'm in this predicament again. i tried to make friends in college but it was rocky and i just felt like an outcast. they wouldn't invite me to hang out or would try to make excuses as to why i shouldn't come. i let all of these people walk all over me so i wouldn't have to be alone. ever since the pandemic, i have been feeling down and struggling. i don't have any friends to communicate with, to talk about our days, or to just video chat with so i'm not alone. sometimes, i just feel like i'm a failure to my parents because i'm not as outgoing or social as my brother is or my cousin is. i always say, ""at least i'm not out doing drugs"" just to make the situation seem less sad. it doesn't work and i just feel sad and alone. how do you make friends that stick because i'm tired of just sitting in the house, looking at peoples' stories, and feeling envious that i don't have a group of friends to do stupid shit with.",Depression
+"i am talking about people that have it all. they are pretty, loved, successful, rich, happy, have a lot of friends and they accomplish everything they think of. life seems like a walk through a rose garden to them. they enjoy life and want to live forever. on the other side there are people like me or you. trying to get through everyday and find motivation to keep up the fight and don't give up. hoping for a miracle or some kind of change. you find yourself alone every night hoping that tommorw will be different but it isn't. days, months, years pass by and nothing has changed. you're losing the will to keep fighting and start questioning yourself, life, faith or god if there really isn't even a small piece of happiness for you in this world when there's plenty of happiness for others. you never asked too much from life but even the little you have asked for was not given to you. another day passes by and you try to keep up the fight.",Depression
+"send me your energy pls. i don’t really care what happens but i’m proud to have done this and gotten to know someone like her. first time really putting myself out there since the start of my depressive episodes. i haven’t known her for long but since i’ve met her i have constant butterflies and i feel sick almost. i knew i didn’t really have a choice other than to try lol. if for no other reason to get some closure. anyway, wish me luck guys. hopefully this works out for the best. edit: welp. i sent the text at 11 last night and still no reply. i think she would have read it to because she asked me what i had in mind when i said i wanted to hang out tomorrow night. it’s 7:30 am now and nada. we still had plans to study today and hopefully that doesn’t fall through. i’m okay with this though because i did what i felt i needed to do, hopefully we can still hang out like we’ve been doing. thanks for the good vibes guys it’s a really nice change of pace for the usual stuff on this sub and thanks for the good energy :-) edit 2: hey friends she just responded like 15 hours later. she said it sounds fun and she still wanted to study later. she said she has an exam she needs to study for so she may not be able to go but all and all at least i didn’t get rejected! i’m ok with this result wish me luck guys. edit 3: i’m at the show alone and ok with it. thanks for the energy and all.",Depression
+"the shame and stigma that comes with being mentally ill can be very difficult to cope with, as most people can't see a crushed self like they see a broken leg. i have been going through the yet most difficult time, and what aches my heart is when i lose a friend or i feel the sucpesion of being lazy or acting up only to get attention. lately i truly wished that my illness becomes physical, even if i die in a few weeks, but then i'll have friends and family knowing that i really suffer and comforting me until saying the last goodbye. i apologize for anyone suffering from cancer or have a dear one suffering from it, having lost my father to it i know it is not to be talked about lightly. but i really hate feeling hated and alienated because what i feel is taking life out of me every day, to many looks just like a failure at doing things right, or even if understood it still makes people undesirable and socially marginalized. so, is my thought common? or have i missed out on something that when i come to realize will make the thought sound preposterous?",Depression
+"i hate it when my ""friends"" say this. i don't know if they don't care or don't know how to help or if they genuinely believe this. i've also gotten comments like ""stop being sad"" or (for my anxiety) ""stop worrying."" i don't know if people don't take me seriously or just don't want to. i ask for help, and no one answers (anymore, i pushed away the one person that did care about me and it kills me). i've just retracted into my own shell. no one understands the pain i feel (as edgy and cliche as that sounds) and i don't think anyone will even bother to try ever again. i don't fit anywhere. i don't belong here. i feel like at this point i'm just delaying the inevitable and that, if i did go, no one would miss me. no one would even fucking notice...",Depression
+"depression (and then later anxiety) really robbed me of my teen years and early 20s. in work people were talking about their teenage memories, going out and drinking with their friends, teenage romances, going on holidays with their families. i never had that. i was isolated and spent all my time in my room on my computer. i had online friends i met in forums and we played world of warcraft most nights. some of my most memorable nights were spent in my bedroom eating pizza and playing wow until 5 and birds were chirping outside. i really do feel like i'm an outsider looking in at all the normal people sometime.",Depression
+i pretty much don't know where to go at this point. i keep telling myself things could always be worse and then things actually get worse and so i just repeat that phrase ad infinitum. lately it seems like the big man upstairs has it out for me. edit: holy butts this blew up. i'm overwhelmed with all the love people are showing. i'll try and answer all of you.,Depression
+i fucking hate it. like i literally was planning on killing myself earlier but now i feel better. the bad thing is that i still have all my problems. i kind of just want to be done with life. i am sick of it. this feeling feels so unnatural. i try to think why i am happy but there isn't really a reason.,Depression
+"i was putting dishes in the sink this morning so i could wash them before going to work. my phone goes off in my pocket. it's my mom. my heart drops. my grandma's health has been declining for the last year and we've had a few scares where she's close to death. so, naturally i think that my grandma had passed. no, it was the sheriff. my heart drops even farther now. oh god, who is it? he says eric lastname had passed away this morning. he went for a walk and someone found him dead. at this time, i'm just in shock thinking this is some fucked up dream. eric has been my step father for the last 21 years. we butted heads from the start, but he kept me straight and pushed me to do better. i would hate to see where i would be if it weren't for eric being in my life. i could only imagine that i would be living on the streets, or dead. eric and i have recently gotten closer. i started calling him dad, joking with him and venting about bullshit in life. he was much more of a dad than my father ever was. he bent over backwards to help me, whether it be some money we need to get a car fixed, or just being there for me. i didn't tell my kids today because we had about 5 minutes before the bus came. they saw me crying, but didn't see me freaking out, so probably think it's just another episode that daddy has sometimes. i get calmed down a bit and take them to the bus stop. waiting at the bus stop, my two oldest sons start talking about going to grandma and grandpa's house this weekend. they're so excited about fishing and putting up string traps for deer (it's super flimsy yarn that they put in the branches. doesn't hurt deer at all). i had to go home after that. i couldn't let them see me losing it again. on the walk home, i called my mom's cell. the sheriff answers and hands the phone to my mom. you could tell she was still in shock that the love of her life is dead and gone forever. i told her that i would be coming down as soon as i could. i live about an hour away, so it's no big deal getting there. i'm about to head out in a few minutes to go see her. this is the worst thing that could happen now. eric was taking care of finances for my grandma since she's in hospice and their own finances. so now she'll have to take care of her house and land, plus my grandma's land. we don't expect grammy to live for another 6 months or so. so, that gives us a bit of time to think, but i know my mom is going to be devastated for quite some time. i'm ok at the moment, but i know i'm going to be pretty fucked up about this for a long time. i love that man as a father. he was someone i could look up to. someone who would give you the shirt off of his back, or meet me half way between cities to give me money we desperately needed. i miss that man. i may need to call my doctor to get my antidepressants upped. i don't deal with death well at all.",Depression
+"after having to take a medical leave from a good college because of my depression and social anxiety, what i did today made me extremely happy. i hope i keep doing better. edit: thank you for all the support! i think this goes to show that any step you take to better yourself, no matter how small, is significant. i love this community.",Depression
+"now that i've struggles with this bullshit for 7 years, i've come to the realisation that literally no one cares no one is genuinely there for you. everyone will claim to be there for you and beg you to open up to them because they want to be the hero who 'saves' you from your mental illness, but they're thinking of a glamourised, coming of age mental illness no one wants to deal with the reality - not getting out of bed for 3 days straight and then finally getting up and not showering or brushing your teeth because you don't have the energy to. deleting your social medias and ignoring texts for days on end because you just can't quite bring yourself to talk to people. going through days of mania followed by weeks of lowness and having people expect you to be okay because of those few days of mania everyone wants to be there for you until you actually show symptoms",Depression
+"i snapped and told myself i wouldn't take the loneliness for another day. i felt like i tried and tried, and nothing worked. so i found something to hang myself with, but chickened out at the very last minute. now i'm here and feel the hurt all over again.",Depression
+"sounds weird, right? but lately i've been so depressed that i've stopped caring about everything, to the point where it's actually making me happy. can't pay bills on time? oh well, who gives a damn! lonely on new year's eve, whatever, i really don't like people anyway. my social anxiety is going away too. because i no longer care about what people think of me. i've hit rock bottom, and it feels good! lol, i think i've officially lost it! :)",Depression
+"i was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety when i was hospitalized over a year ago. since then i've been put on tons of medication. i hate the meds, i don't feel sad or anxious as much anymore, but now i just feel emotionless and apathetic. i don't even feel like myself anymore and i hate it, i feel like i've had my emotions and motivation taken from me. now all i wanna do is lay in bed.",Depression
+"i keep thinking about my future and the only thing that seems plausible is my suicide. i'm socially awkward, stupid, and have high levels of anxiety. i feel incompatible with this world.",Depression
+anyone else sick of other people ? i feel like nobody gets me and for some reason i attract drama and i sometimes believe it’s due to jealousy from other people. every time i come out of my shell and be myself i always seem to attract bad people and i don’t know if it’s because i’m highly empathetic and people sense it. urgh i’m just gonna revert back to being quiet and to myself. honestly,Depression
+"it's terrible feeling. i want to cry, just let it out, but i can't. it feels like my soul is crying, but i just physically can't get it out. it's like i'm stuck with this pain forever and am not allowed to at least alleviate it in a way. i... just can't explain it... i just hope someone understands...",Depression
+"second year university student here. just found out i've totally bombed the semester thanks to hardly being able to make it through each day rather than concentrating on university. after speaking to a lovely lecturer i figure the worst case scenario will be that i have to retake the year. i'm just so angry that after already taking 6 years of my life so far this will be another wasted one all thanks to this horrible illness. and i don't know what to say to parents as they have super high expectations and invalidate my mental health issues. hahah fuck my life, i don't want to be here.",Depression
+"does anyone else have a world in their head? this completely imaginary world where people you like are your friends or characters from fiction are real? it helps me cope but at the same time it makes me very depressed because i'll always be chasing for someone like the people i made up in my head. they're basically imaginary friends. i have five friends in my ""head world"". three are characters i made up, keres, macy and jay. the two others are from a comic i like and their names are veloce and blackbird. in my head i'm dating blackbird and she's always there. we play videogames together and share our meals. she always comforts me when i'm depressed and tells me that she loves me and i'm worth the world to her. veloce is my best friend, we go on walks through this forest everyday and talk about how our days were, she joins me and blackbird for dinner sometimes. jay plays the drums and guitar and we jam out sometimes, he's like a brother to me and he is always sarcastic and joke around, macy is his girlfriend and we go on double dates to movies and concerts all the time. keres is the most imaginary though, i've had her since i was a little kid. she has magic powers and is very quiet and leader like. she always has the solution to everything and only ever shows up when i'm in a very very bad place. in this dream world i live in this cozy cabin in a field, the house is old and has two floors. there's an old oak tree in the front with a tire swing and me and blackbird have this old red truck that we gotta fix all the time. in real life i spend my days alone, laying in bed and playing videogames until i wonder what's wrong with me. when the thrill of the imaginary world fades away and i realize that i'll never have my friends. just a few months ago i stopped being in this ""world"" because i was happy. now i'm all alone again and they're all i have. i feel like a small child because of this, but it's the only thing that brings me comfort. if anyone else has a imaginary world, i'd love to hear about yours. edit: i'll try my best to respond to everyone <3 i love hearing about your stories! it's reassuring to know that people can relate.",Depression
+"when i was well i was pretty mentally healthy, could easily cope with everything, happy and successful. i had always been one of the smartest people in the class and at work. now that i’ve become depressed i feel brain damaged, things that i know i could have easily solved before seem impossible etc. now i’m beginning to wonder how much intelligence is really due to having the right chemicals in your brain than anything else. how can a child possibly succeed at school if their home life is bad (i know it happens for some supper resilient kids) but for the majority, maybe not so much...",Depression
+i've been in a major depressive episode for the last two years or so and lately i find myself only brushing my teeth maybe once a day and showering only once a week. i was just wondering if anyone else struggles with this at different times during a depressive episode.,Depression
+"i’ve been depressed for a long time. in my depression, i’d often neglect brushing my teeth. now i have a tooth that’s turning black, and i can’t afford to get it fixed. my other teeth could be fucked as well. i don’t know how much it could be to treat all of them, but i can’t afford it. i simply can’t afford it. they fucking hurt. i’m a 19 year old girl, and i’m probably going to lose a tooth or maybe even a few due to my mental health problems. i don’t know what i’m going to do. how am i supposed to get a good job with missing teeth? who would want to date me? how will i be able to deal with the judgment and shame? how will i ever get the money to fix them or get dentures? i’m in pain and there’s nothing i can do. i’m even more depressed now and it’s my own damn fault. so that’s why i’m asking you all, please, if you can bring yourself to do one thing each day, let it be taking care of your teeth. showering can be skipped for a few days, but skipping brushing your teeth for a few days and making that a habit can be really bad and really expensive. i don’t want you guys to go through this too. don’t make my mistake. please brush your teeth.",Depression
+"i just feel like i'm weak some days. i'm good at hiding it but i always tell myself ""maybe you're not depressed. maybe you pretend to be this way"" a lot. am i the only one. even when im fighting back tears, feel like dying, hoping that someone hits me on my motorcycle or just feeling like i have no energy because i feel completely drained after fighting it all day.",Depression
+"it’s what the title says. i’m active socially and i make new friends when i can. one thing i can’t seem to have is a romantic relationship with someone. i’ve reached the point where i don’t care about it anymore. i tried and nothing comes of it, just heartbreak and despair. i envy those around me who are in happy relationships while i sit alone.",Depression
+i haven't had a job since early 2017. i never felt confident enough to get one until today. i really hope this will help make me feel better about myself.,Depression
+"one of my only hobbies is keeping small animals like bugs and amphibians. afew months ago my favorite spider died after it was doimg so well, and now my scorpion ended up thr same way. it was less than a year old, i had almost ideal conditions for it. it was eating and drinking regularly. i came home from an 11 hour school day to find it flat and unresponsive. i was completely crushed. i just stared and stared, i didn't want to believe it. i started to cry, i didn't even realize until my tears dripped onto its body. it wasn't just some bug, it was one of my few shreds of happiness in my life. watching it eat, explore its enclosure, seeing it dig new dens, but now its gone.. thanks for the kind words everybody, it means a lot :)",Depression
+i got the email and got super excited. i told my parents through text and felt good for the first time in weeks. then i got an email a few minutes later saying that email was a mistake and i didn't get in. that's what i get for thinking things will go right for once. back to feeling depressed i guess.,Depression
+"i'm 20, never had a girlfriend and basically gave up on trying dating girls for all the rejections i got. one day i meet this girl, pretty cute one too. she actually started the conversation for some informations but we kept talking and talking and in the end i asked her number. we messaged a little bit, she sounded so enthusiastic all the time. i thought i was ready to try getting into a relationship, set my depressing thoughts aside, i even forgot i found myself to be ugly... so i just had my first date. during that moment, i felt the happiest i've ever been in my life. i liked everything about her, and could feel a connection. i'd personally say the date went well, but that might have not felt the same on the other side. during the date everything seemed so fine, i could totally feel a connection between us. we laughed, talked about everything. we didn't kiss or anything but i was so happy. i genuinely was very happy. this is something i almost never feel because i always fall into a pit of depression after that. the morning after i decided to send her a message on whatsapp and... she blocked me. i thought maybe she just deleted whatsapp without a warning, but no. she showed up when i checked another number. she had erased me. on whatsapp. on facebook. i called her days later, hoping to not feel clingy, but she hang up immediately. 'she might call me back' i said, so i sent her a sms telling her to write or call back when she can. nothing. weeks passed and my mind is still full of doubts and i can't stop worrying about what i did wrong and why she did this, and my depression has gotten way worse. i don't know what to think. did something go wrong? does she just not find me attractive at all?has she already found someone? why did she even bother? i honestly want an answer but i'm so frustrated that i can't get one back. i feel like i was so close to something so special and it's already gone. nightmares are waking me up. i'm too weak for this stuff, i have no idea how other people handle this.",Depression
+"sometimes i feel like i'm not depressed... i'm just lazy. i lack motivation. i lack self-confidence. i like to complain and whine and talk about how hard life is. i feel so guilty when i'm sad, because maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i'm just self-absorbed and immature. and if i would just stop being so selfish and lazy, then i would be normal like everyone else. but... i'm so sad. i can't help that i feel this way. and i exercise and i try to eat right. i work hard. i make plans with friends. i try not to drink too much. i don't do drugs. but i get home and i'm alone, i feel so sad. so alone. so hopeless. i don't want to work. i don't want to try anymore. i just want to give up on everything. but when i talk to friends or family, they just tell me that everyone has problems. life is hard and just suck it up. and it will get better. ""you'll get through it"". but i'm 29. when does it just get better? when does all of my hard work and effort turn into happiness? i feel like even the counselors i've been to don't want to hear my complaining. they just tell me to breath more when i feel anxious. like, fuck you! what do you think i'm doing! i go to yoga regularly and i'm still fucking anxious. i go jogging. i do weight lifting. i go for walks. i read. and i'm still do sad. but then again, maybe it's just me. maybe i'm just doing this all wrong. i should be able to figure out how to make myself better. i should be able to stop myself from being sad all the time. but no one wants to help me. no one wants to listen to me complain. i can see it in there eyes when i start to talk about my struggles. they can barely wait for me to change the subject. tl;dr how do you know if your depressed or if you just suck at life? i try so hard to make myself better but maybe in the end i'm just lazy and self-absorbed and that's why in unhappy. update: thank you all for your replies and kind words. i'm amazed this post got so many comments and likes. and even though i don't know you guys, it has made me feel really supported on these really bad days. i saw a new psychologist today who diagnosed me with with an adjustment disorder, coupled with anxiety and depression. she referred me to a prescriber, but i have to wait a couple weeks for an appointment. hopefully i can get some meds then. even though i don't feel any better, it's a little comforting to have a diagnosis. and even more comforting to know this community exists. thank you so much.",Depression
+"like every typical family, every year we get together and celebrate christmas. but i sit there, with a fake smile, pretending to laugh at everyones jokes, knowing that the next day and the day after and the day after that and the day after that... i'll be alone again sitting in my racing mind.",Depression
+"everyday in high school i see people who can be engaged in certain classes and discussions out of what seems like interest. sometimes i see or hear about a student who went above and beyond on something. or, at the very least, i notice people who can do work and study for tests reasonably ahead of time. every time i see one of these things i feel jealous, sad, and sometimes almost resentful that i can't share this feeling of passion about a subject or school in general. as a student trying to go through an advanced curriculum, i feel especially out of place. my only ""passions"" are playing video games and browsing the internet, which is more of an escape habit than something i get excited about. even video games become a chore some days. everyone else seems to have found their way, or at least an area they're interested in, whereas i look at various subjects and don't feel remotely interested in any of them. college is coming next year, and i have no idea what i'm going to do, or if i even have the motivation to make it through. it's been difficult enough pretending like i care in high school. any kind of work is just a massive mental chore to get through. if it weren't for my massive anxiety and fear of falling out, i probably wouldn't get anything done.",Depression
+"i think it’s become a canned statement. they say “miss you”, but they never do anything to prove it. they don’t make plans with you or call you. it’s like they forget about you until maybe they see a post you’ve made in social media or whatever that makes them feel better by telling you they miss you.",Depression
+i literally cannot focus on anything. i can't pay attention in class. i can't study. i can't read a book. i can't even pay attention to video games. i can't watch a 10 min youtube video. i'm constantly zoning out. i'm just mindlessly going through life without really enjoying anything. edit : thanks for all your replies. i didn't know so many of you were feeling the same way as me. glad to know i'm not alone. gives me a bit of hope.,Depression
+"it’s like, you wanna do the things that make you smile, you could play a video game that puts a smile on your face, or watch a disney movie you know you’ll like, or even just text a special someone you care about or start a new show you’ll find fun, but you don’t because there’s this deep feeling inside you that, your time for happiness, it’s like it’s run out. it’s like you knew what that was looking back but now, it’s like everything is covered in this gray film of bleakness. sorry if this is inherently negative, not trying to be emo or promote the feeling of depression, i hate this and i know the person i can be if i’m happy, i just feel like i can’t maintain the feeling long enough to keep pushing forward and i hate it.",Depression
+"i found $52 total from inside drawers, behind furniture, etc... i'm going to buy my mom and girlfriend something with it. it feels very nice to have a clean room.",Depression
+"it’s been 4 days since my last suicide attempt. maybe 5-6 days since i stopped self harming, and a day or two since i completely stopped having everyday thoughts of death. yesterday, i took my first bath since this had started and i’m proud of myself. i no longer deal with this constant sadness and heavy feeling everyday, i no longer deal with anxiety always being up my ass telling me i would be better off dead. i’m starting to get back into the habit of things, and slowly becoming the person i was before. all i can say in the end is fuck anxiety and fuck depression. all they did was drag me down and i’m so glad to be strong enough to make it through.",Depression
+"i'm constantly so angry that i have to do all these things i dont want to do just so i can continue living, which i'm not even interested in doing. i'm angry i'm in a major that i hate and that the fields i was interested in make so little money that the field isnt even worth pursuing imo. i'm angry i'm going to have to work +8 hours a day 5 days a week in a job i dont like, i'm angry that i have to spend my mornings getting ready and driving to a job i won't like. ill get shit benefits and 10 days vacation a year, so for the next 30 years i get to be miserable with the exception of 10 days out of the year when i can travel which is the only thing i'm interested in anymore. probably what makes me the most angry is seeing all these talentless people on youtube making millions for being morons while i have to go to school for 4 years to even make a livable wage and it pisses me off. i get the whole ""life isnt fair"" thing but i can't stop being angry about it and everyday it gets worse.",Depression
+"so there we were arguing who fucked up the relationship, she'd never agree that it was her fault. i'd always apologize even if i was wrong. i refused to apologize and it all fucked up. she knew i had depression when we were in relationship. i told her i feel depressed and she said ""there's no such thing as depression"" anyway, she found out from out our common friend that i visited my doctor to get help and will begin medication soon. so at the end of the chat,i told her i'm not okay and she is making me feel even more bad, she should just leave me alone, so she dropped the bomb and said ""i don't give a fuck even if you die"" i stopped texting her after that. i was already having suicidal thoughts, but since now she wants me to die, i fucking won't. fuck you.. i'll outlive you , you stupid piece of shit. edit: just came home and saw your replies. i'm overwhelmed seeing your responses. in the process of opening up and sharing my experience with you, even if i can help one person, i'd be the happiest person in this world.",Depression
+"anyone else? i have difficulty sometimes even answering a comment on my own threads (when i make them), and **this** thread took me 3 times to write, as did the last comment i made. :|",Depression
+"doesn't matter. depressed for over 16 years now. words mean nothing. two 51/50 holds meant nothing. medication changed nothing. group therapy meant nothing. moving out meant nothing. living with my best friends meant nothing. true freedom meant nothing. what's your secret to living comfortably? i'll never know. i'm so old and ""experienced"" that depression has just become funny in a sense, an ongoing joke that is my life. no wonder so many comedians kill themselves. this pain is hilarious.",Depression
+"this world favors strong character: confidence, self-respect, charisma, determination, fearlessness etc etc. obviously i don't add up to any of those. in fact i'm downright opposite. my life so far has been a history of failures and regrets. i'm so sensitive it's honestly embarassing. at this point anything is enough to send me into an episode. i'm too fucking useless and repulsive to succeed anywhere in life. i find myself constantly daydreaming about an imaginary world, where i actually have friends, where i don't loathe myself so much, where life doesn't seem pointless and i have a purpose",Depression
+"i'm trying stand up comedy may 4th. i'm not letting my social anxiety and depression get in the way of my dreams anymore. years of laying in bed hating life, i'm sick of it. there's gotta be something more than emptiness and hate right?",Depression
+i just want disappear but i am to scared of the pain of suicide and the meaning which comes with it. suiciding also affects all the people who know you. why did he do that? did i treat him wrong. my parents would probably blame themselves and maybe get suicidal. getting sick in a way that i couldn't be healed and die would be like an escape from this world.,Depression
+"i hate being told: ""it'll get better when you're older."" no it fucking won't. i've waited for over a decade for things to get better & they haven't. it's especially not true when i see people younger than me living better, happier, & more interesting lives. clearly that means i'm a failure & i just can't properly do this game we call life. just today someone i know who's younger than me just managed to find their own apartment with their so. i can't do that now & if that doesn't scream that i'm a pathetic loser, i don't know what does.",Depression
+"we've been dating the past month and i got the balls to ask her out. she said she'll think about it which means no, but i still got the nerve to do it! 😃",Depression
+"it may seem like a stupid little thing, but today i baked. muffins. three dozen plus. i am in my 40's, and live a very lonely sad life. very little brings me pleasure, but today, i baked muffins. and i enjoyed myself a little bit.",Depression
+"like you're put on the spot, and suddenly feel this pressure to sound interesting because you realize how boring your routine must appear to a third party. suddenly realizing you spend 70% of your time aimlessly browsing the same 10 subreddits, watching porn, getting high, over-sleeping, and contemplating whether it makes sense to leave your room and show your face to the public. i'm fortunate to have maybe 1-2 days per week where i can gather the energy to participate in a productive activity, and i'll try to talk that up as much as possible before the facade cracks. maybe they'll realize one day that i've never actually finished any project in which i've expressed interest. i already know that i will like myself a lot more, have better conversations, and more fulfilling relationships if i can just manage to flip this balance of time.",Depression
+"when other people see me, they see a beige mass of carbon named robert. they see brown eyes, blackish hair and if they’re observant, a mole on my nose. they see a son, a brother, a stranger, a student, a friend. sometimes i’d even agree with them. then there’s the version of me that only i can see. when i look in the mirror, i see a liar, a faker, and a freak. i see an overly sensitive, repulsive little goblin with more misery in his heart than he knows what to do with. usually, my emotions are overshadowed by a deep feeling of worthlessness. when it’s really bad, i feel nothing at all. imagine you’re lying down on your bed. now imagine you have one hundred kilograms on your chest, no-let’s make that two hundred kilograms. with all the added weight it can be hard to move, but if you’re really strong you can still do it. now let’s add shackles, you are now bound to your bed by a metal chain. with all the weight on your chest, you barely have the breath to yell for help but you still manage to do it. but that’s not enough, the shadow that consumes you doesn’t want any company. now imagine being sedated. although the sedative makes you sleepy it doesn’t put you to sleep. all it does is makes you incoherent so you're unable to cry for help. this is what it feels like on a good day. on a typical day, you get everything i mentioned above plus the voices. the voices sound like nails being dragged across a chalkboard while a cat is getting crushed inside a blender. they tell you that you are a worthless, miserable, unlovable waste of a human being that probably would have been better off had you never been born at all. they remind you that life is pointless, painful, and absurd. you begin to think that you’re probably better off dead. on the really bad days you listen to these thoughts. all the while, you are completely unable to communicate these feelings to anyone you care about. you begin to think a veil has been lifted and you now see the world for how it really is. in reality, you are now seeing the world with a different set of eyes, through the veil of depression. you are absolutely terrified of being exposed. you fear people will see you as weak and vulnerable, you fear finding out that people don’t care, but more than anything you fear the stigma, and that’s what stops you from getting help. so you go it alone and face these feelings entirely by yourself.",Depression
+"that’s the best i can explain how i feel, i guess. it’s odd, but the only thing i’ve felt for a while now, so is strangely comforting due to its consistency. i feel as if i’m very detached from my own body, and am sometimes taken aback when i see myself in a mirror and am reminded i am in fact a genuine, human person. my downright depressingly pessimistic view on the universe and it’s inhabitants - that it’s all fake, in a way, and everything is very much temporary, having no long lasting impact - probably doesn’t help this feeling. it’s not a lack of awareness; i’m almost hyper-aware of everything (sometimes called creepily observant). i don’t know how to describe it, really. justa constant star of being “out of it”. i was just curious if anyone else feels the same way? let me know if you do and we can try and explain it to each other :)",Depression
+"i hate the feeling of wanting to confide in someone, and then having them ask ""what r u sad about"" when u do. because i honestly get so stumped. i don't have a reason. i'm just fucking sad and i don't know why!!! and it's infuriating. i'm f/15 and all my close friends are somehow male (they're also somehow all older) and for some stupid reason all the male friends i've gotten close to and confided in some kind of romantic feelings have developed. and that just adds to the stress, since i have no one to confide in when i'm sad because i have the constant fear of getting too close to them and having one of us develop feelings. and this is especially crippling when everything is bottled up inside and it's just eating away at me. i'd describe all my problems and existence itself as mild pain at the back of my brain but over a constant and prolonged period of time, it just gets rlly agonizing. i can't say i haven't thought about suicide seriously less than 6 times this week. [edit: i'm so sorry this is probably really incoherent but i guess it's a genuine reflection of how i feel about myself right now]",Depression
+"after the loss of my mother in 2017, i was 19 and she was 54, i slipped into a deep depression and resigned from my job. it’s been an awful time since then and i’ve really struggled, but through an old school friend i’ve landed a job with sony. i start on wednesday. i know it doesn’t sound like a lot but i’m so happy with myself and i can’t wait to bring some money in",Depression
+"everyone says people are wired differently. some people are more shy than others, some people are bigger than others, some are smarter etc. then there are those whose properties don't line up with what life is asking for. how come some people can be at every advantage and still want to kill themselves, while others are at every disadvantage and are still able to persevere and become happy and successful? some people simply can't be happy. no matter where they are, who they are with, or what they are doing they still don't want to be here. and it really fucking sucks.",Depression
+"right now i'm going through a period where i'm not necessarily happy, but i'm not completely down like i was just last week. i have energy, i went out and spent time with friends and actually enjoyed most of it. kind of makes me feel like i'm a complete phony and don't really have depression. anyone else experience this?",Depression
+"at 12:50pm on monday 10, march, 2019, my mom passed away. i do not have the words to express how empty and alone i feel. i cannot believe that i will never see or hear again. the world keeps moving. i am having trouble finding meaning in any of this. she was not ready to die and i believe that only when she knew she was in trouble she accepted what was going to happen. i am stuck with the memories of her suffering in that hospital bed; memories i feel will haunt me for the rest of my life. i never expected her not to make it, so the suffering seemed acceptable. i miss her so much. even though i have siblings, i always felt it was my job to look after her. i feel that i have failed in this task. i have so much guilt. i wish i could have done more. mommy i miss you and will love you forever. please forgive me for letting you down. i live in the hope that one day i will be with you again. i do not know if love can help you where you are, but if it can, you have all of mine. love you mom.",Depression
+"i can feel whats left of my intelligence waning, my short term memory is non-existant and i even struggle to read and follow movies. is this typical of depression? can i recover my mental acuity?",Depression
+at least for me. i can't speak for everyone but i feel no joy. no sadness. nothing. it really destroys me because i want to feel something but nothing works.,Depression
+"i can't get over how cute he is! my birthday was on thursday and after going out to dinner with my mom she thought it would be nice to go to the spca and visit the kitties. i agreed because who doesn't want to visit the kitties? i had no idea that she wanted me to actually adopt one. i picked this cute little black one up and he immediately started purring and he stole my heart :< i feel like i can no longer kill myself because i have another being that depends on me and looks up to me for protection and whatnot...i still feel like garbage *all* the time, and still feel weird about myself and life on this planet/in this universe...but now that another living being depends on me i can't leave. i am not saying that adopting a pet is the ultimate remedy for depression...just that i have not felt real happiness like this in a *long* time. i told my parents how i have been feeling ~1 week prior to my birthday (28 now) and i suspect that it was my moms plan all along for me to adopt this lil cutie... edit: the mandatory in /r/aww.",Depression
+"you know the sound a plastic cup makes when you squeeze it too hard? when you are standing and talking to people and you look normal but you are trying so hard not to scream or cry or break down in front of everyone so instead you tighten your grip on your cup. you hear the sides crackle as they cave in. once you release, the cup pops back into its original shape but there are still white lines running down the side from where it bent. i feel like i am making the crackling noise and i am covered in white lines. it is stupid but it seemed fitting.",Depression
+"which is wack, because we're all a bunch of strangers hiding behind usernames. but this is such a common theme for me. for example, if someone passes me on the freeway, i immediately assume it's because that person is angry at me and wants to run me over. where is this line of thinking coming from? is it anxiety? i've been depressed for 13 years and this ""everybody hates me empirically"" has only surfaced in the last 1-2 years. anyone else deal with this?",Depression
+"he attempted an overdose two days ago and i am really trying to hold it together. i’ve struggled with depression for a long time and my son was on anti-depressants. i know he needs me and i am trying so hard not to let myself just drown. i don’t have family or close friends, so it is just the two of us. i just wanted to vent. this is almost more than i can handle, but i have to get myself together for his sake. i have terrible insurance, so a mental health facility is out of the question and i am trying to figure out how to afford to stay home with him for a bit. i wish we had better resources for mental illness here in texas. thank you for letting me put this out....i just don’t have people to talk to.",Depression
+"my 17 year old son committed suicide six months ago. it was frustrating for me to read the top thread here today. people did care. his friends cared. his dad, me and his two brothers cared. we supported him. we got him help. we listened. we hugged him a lot. i spent hours and hours in conversation with him. it wasn't a burden. he had a unique perspective and was wise beyond his years. he was never seen as a burden. we didn't patronize him. we didn't tell him stupid nonsense. we did our best to understand. when he was having a bad day we didn't force him to do things he wasn't capable of doing. we loooooved him just as he was. he acknowledged all that in his note. he believed he could never change and living was just no longer possible. he was tired of fighting. i don't think he was selfish. although, i wish with all my heart he had come to me. he didn't want to be talked out of it. he had made his decision. i try to honor his choice. i've said in other posts: don't let that bastard depression win via suicide because then it breeds in the survivors. and it does. all of us are now depressed, on medication and in therapy from ptsd (finding him and cleaning up the blood, brains and skull fragments). our lives will never be the same. mostly because we miss him so much but also our resulting trauma. even so, i hold no anger towards him. i still cry every day. so much of who i was, was tied to being his mom. i'm at sea as to what meaning and purpose i now have... anyway, i wrote this to mark the anniversary of the last time i looked into his beautiful blue eyes only to see the spark that made him a compassionate, intelligent, loving soul was gone. also, to dispel the idea that all suicides happen to people who were not loved and/or supported. thank you for reading.",Depression
+"life, work, friends (or lack of), future etc. it all seems too much right now, and i feel like a piece of shit. so anyone else feeling like that, youre not alone. i hope you guys feel better soon as i hope i feel better soon. i love you all because youre all human and humans have great potential to be amazing. best of luck for the day or night ahead wherever you are",Depression
+i won’t give up i won’t give up i won’t give up i won’t give up i won’t give up i won’t give up. no matter what happens no matter how hard it gets i can do it i won’t give up.,Depression
+"i'm an 18(m) who has sporadic depressive episodes. i've told some of my friends both indirectly and explicitly. and i always regret it. i hate the way they feel like they are treading on thin ice around me, but then i clearly desire attention if i told them in the first place. i've tried saying it to close friends (mostly when drunk) and also tried using fairly obvious forms of art as well. whatever i do, whoever i talk to, i wish i just stayed on my own. probably going to end up regretting this aswell.",Depression
+"i felt like this very often lately. it's terrifies me. i keep telling myself that this is all just in my head, but is it true? or is it merely a comforting thoungt i am desperately clinging to? (sorry for my terrible english.)",Depression
+i'm so fucking tired of feeling like i can't ever catch up. to anyone or anything. i can't keep up with life i'm so fucking tired of it. why do i always feel like being alive is an uphill battle. i feel like i was damned upon conception. i was fucked from the start. with my fucked up head and my fucked up emotions i was fucked from the start. i never stood a chance here. why the living fuck do i always feel like i'm a thousand steps behind everyone else. sometimes i want to end my life so badly but i am too afraid to hurt my family. i keep holding out for some god damn hope but every single fucking time it is proven that i am hopeless. i don't even know why i am on here i do not ever talk about my emotions nor do i ever post on reddit but i'm just so tired i don't know where else to put it... i don't think that i will ever be happy. i don't think i will ever live my life to the fullest. i don't think i'm going to ever change the world or be remembered. i don't think that i will ever amount to anything extraordinary. i don't think i will fulfill the wishes of god or whatever the fuck put me on this earth. i don't think that i will ever love myself. i don't know where else to go.... so i don't go anywhere. i remain here in this stagnant cycle.,Depression
+"it's getting hard for me to remember a lot of things and my brain is always foggy. i had a job interview earlier and i could have sworn i heard the manager say that *she'll* give me a call this afternoon, and i haven't heard anything from them, and now i'm having a miniature crisis because i don't know if that's what i actually heard or she actually said *tomorrow afternoon* or she said she wanted *me* to call this afternoon or tomorrow afternoon or if i heard her correctly and she just didn't bother to call me and gave the job to somebody else. this is so fucking frustrating, i feel like i can't trust my brain and it makes me feel like an idiot. please tell me meds can fix this...",Depression
+"a bit of background about me: male, turned 25 last week. i just feel like i have nothing and no one to live for. i’ve been really struggling lately. the people i count on to come and talk to when i feel like shit just flat out don’t answer my texts, so i’ve stopped bothering texting them. the only girl i’ve ever been into shot me down and also never answers my messages either. so i stopped texting her as well. no one bothers checking on me so why should i reach out to them? my aunt died from brain cancer 3 years ago. and my older sister was killed by a drunk driver. i was seeing a therapist but stopped because i couldn’t afford it. they care more about money than the health of their clients. america summed up in one sentence i guess. i dropped out of engineering school in october after 6 years of college and multiple majors, 6 classes shy of graduating because i just didn’t wanna do it anymore. i was burned out and sick of busting my ass with nothing to show for it but exhaustion and stress. i may or may not go back. my student loans are due starting in june which i can’t afford. i have a car payment on top of it, paying for a car that i never wanted in the first place with money that i don’t have. i only bought it to shut my parents up about it, because my other one which i much prefer wouldn’t pass emissions for a completely bullshit reason but ran and drove perfectly all the same. i just absolutely fucking hate being told what i can and can’t do with my own damn car that i pay for 100% myself. my car is my therapist and my favorite thing that i own. i’m working a dead end job with no room for promotion or growth, and coronavirus got me laid off indefinitely til the whole mess dies down. i cannot possibly be expected to pay for all that shit when they know damn well millions of people are losing their fucking jobs. it’s been a month since quarantine and i can’t really even leave my house. can’t have a social life. just feel like i have no one to turn to and i’m drowning. every fucking day and i’m just done. i left my house earlier this evening fully intending on making it a one way trip. i waited til my family had all gone to bed, then i got in my car and just took off. i drove 2 hours away, into the next state looking for a good spot to carry it out. i eventually found a cliff and pulled up and just sat there for a few minutes looking out over it, trying to find the balls to drive over the edge. i got out of my car and sat on the hood just staring into the distance and started crying, thinking to myself how the fuck it came to this and how alone i felt. i was sitting there in the dark with tears streaming down my face when i heard a car pull up behind me and felt flashing blue lights. i knew it was a cop at this point but didn’t bother trying to hide myself. i just leaned on the hood of my car and continued crying to myself. he approached with a flashlight and noticed me. apparently he thought my car was abandoned at first. he was a young guy, probably about my age. he asked for my license and registration which i gave him. i’d said maybe two words to him at this point, and i think he picked up on the fact that i seemed a bit off. he asked me how i was doing and what i was doing so far from home at this time of night. it was like 1 am at this point. i just said that i needed to get out and clear my head at first, but eventually i admitted that i had driven up here to kill myself. i thought he was gonna freak out and cuff me and drag me kicking and screaming to a mental hospital, but he actually was remarkably calm. he asked why and what was going on in my life. he even came over and sat next to me on the hood of my car and listened. i had stopped crying but the tears came flooding back as it all came out, how i felt like i had no one. he didn’t interrupt and even put an arm around me. i eventually said i planned to drive my car off this cliff because i was so unhappy. he was silent for a few seconds and then told me he knew how it feels to want to die. apparently he came close to suicide a few times. a quote he said really stuck with me. it was “sometimes you can have everything and it still feels like nothing.” and it hit me that that was exactly how i felt. he gave me his personal number and said to call or text any time of day if i needed to talk. we sat there til about 2:30ish just talking. it was so nice to just vent to someone. eventually he said that he had to get going, but knowing what i just told him, we both knew he couldn’t leave me there alone for obvious reasons. he walked me back to my car and reminded me that he gave me his number. he walked back to the police cruiser and backed out, flashing his headlights at me to do the same. he followed me to the highway, turning off onto a side road and honking as he drove away while i got on the entrance ramp. i drove the 2 hours back home, not completely believing what had just happened and how he saved my life. i never even got his name or badge number. i got home close to 5 this morning and no one was up yet luckily. i snuck in and went to my room and slept for about 3 hours. i gave no indication to my family that i tried suicide the night before. no one knew that i went out last night. i still haven’t told them and i don’t plan to. they have no idea that i could’ve died. i called the officer’s number and left him a voicemail thanking him again. he texted me later in the day saying his offer was still valid any time. i have no idea if he had to fill out any paperwork and don’t really want to ask. everyone has at least one secret that they’ll take to their grave, and this is probably mine. it’s a long shot that he’ll read this but if he does, i don’t know what to say to him or how to thank him. his compassion saved my life. it’s crazy to think what would’ve happened if he had taken a different patrol route and hadn’t come along when he did. he deserves a promotion and to win the lottery. i owe him my life. cops get a bad rap for being arrogant, power hungry racists with itchy trigger fingers, but this particular officer represents what humanity should be like. we wouldn’t have people killing themselves if we simply stopped being assholes to each other. i don’t know if there’s a department medal for talking a suicidal person off the ledge, literally in my case, but he deserves it. i could probably call his department number and get his name and send him something in the mail. not a bad idea. godspeed officer. i’ll never forget this and how someone cared, and cared enough to actually do something about it.",Depression
+my eyes get sore but i can't cry. i cry because i'm tired but not when i'm sad. i feel emotion but i can't show it. i love other people but i can't be near them. i don't want to live but i can't die. i don't know what to do,Depression
+it's like they have their very own reality where they are worshipped and they know everything. you confide in someone about your depression and they somehow make you feel like it's your fault. no wonder so many people don't seek help. no wonder so many people commit suicide. it's sad but it's today's world and i don't wanna be a part of it anymore.,Depression
+"""you just have to believe"", ""life is beautiful"", ""evertyhing is gonna be alright"", ""think positively"", ""don't be depressed"", ""be motivated""... just some things that i usually hear everyday. seriously, what people are thinking? it's not like there is a switch on my brain and i can turn it on and off. it's not something you can explain, you just feel or feel nothing at all. no, life is not good because you have some happiness in your life. sorry, just venting again.",Depression
+"i need to rant. this person i met at uni, and now live with, uses suicide and mental health as a cute personal characteristic about themselves. about a week of knowing them they randomly told me they had a date set for their suicide- it was a couple days after their mum's birthday. this is what first started making me dislike them. recently, i have found out that their 'suicide attempt' was that they thought about taking pills. that is not a suicide attempt. you didn't try to kill yourself, you thought about it. they openly talk about how they're suicidal and 'tried' to kill themselves to my friend, who is such a lovely person and has tried to kill himself and then they constantly stare at his scars making him feel uncomfortable. he does not deserve this person bragging about their suicide. they say this shit to me too. they do not know what it is like to try to kill yourself. they did not have their dad yelling and asking why they took pills whilst sat on the floor crying. they did not have to watch their dad call their mum to come home from work straight away because her daughters took an overdose. they did not have to watch their brothers concern faces leave the room from their parents forcing them upstairs. they did not have to avoid eye contact with their parents in the hospital because their sad faces broke their heart. they did not sleep for an entire day because of the side effects of taking tablets. i did. and they think it is something to tell everyone they meet as if its a fun little fact. all they did was brag about it to their mates. fuck off. the look of my parents face's when i tried to kill myself is etched into my memory. they did not experience that. they do not have to right to flaunt it around in my face as though it is not affecting anyone else around them who has actually attempted suicide. im sorry this is long and ive already posted but there are things i need to get off my chest",Depression
+"what's your opinion on them? i somewhat appreciate the intention behind them, but god damn do they feel empty and meaningless. same thing with the ""internet hugs"" thing that some people love to post. i'm sure those people have only good intentions, but what that actually ends up doing is making me wish i actually had someone to hug in real life. and since i don't, it just makes me feel worse. to me it's also the same as when people simply post a bunch of suicide hotline numbers when people admit to being suicidal. they just want to feel like they helped. i don't think those things help very much for someone with deep emotional pain though. band-aid over a gunshot wound, yknow.",Depression
+"because they don't see it, they assume it's gone/not real. when you have a broken bone, or a physical illness, people ask how you're doing, and when you say it hurts, they believe you. they don't constantly act surprised when you show symptoms. when you're depressed, and you have a bad day, they'll be like ""what's wrong ? what's happening ? are you mad ?"" even when they know you're suffering from depression, a disease that's literally known for making people feel like shit.",Depression
+"but it's not as though i violently feel that way. it's just always casually in the back of my mind. for being ""suicidal"" you think it'd be crying on the floor but nah, it's just kinda there. anyone else like this?",Depression
+"i'm on the long long road to recovery and the past few months have been comparitively really stable and happy for me. i don't cry nearly as often, i'm much more productive, and much more hopeful. but the second i do something wrong or encounter an issue, especially if someone's mad at me, i immediately jump back to thinking about suicide. it sends me into this spiraling panic that i'll never fix myself and be ok, until suicide feels like the way out. my mom was just screaming at me a lot yesterday and i was so close to just ending it right there, even though i know i don't really want to, and i know i'm gonna be in a better place in just over a month (going back to college).",Depression
+go where? i don’t like bars. i don’t like to drink too much. especially if i’m driving. where else do people go to socialize?? i don’t have friends or even know where to go to make friends. i try every opportunity i get it but i don’t get many opportunities because i have no idea where do go socialize. i’m just sick and tired of being alone 24/7 and feeling completely hopeless to change it. this makes me sad as fuck. :/,Depression
+"sometimes, i hear this man. only in the stillness of night does he descend. “you’re alone,” he teases. “you’re isolated,” he taunts. “you’re nothing,” he mocks. i’ve never quite liked him. but still, i keep him around. sometimes, it’s just nice, ya know? hearing a human’s sound.",Depression
+merry christmas i told my family about what ive been going through this past semester and my mom just told me to stop being a bitch and that depression isn’t real. she said if i were actually depressed i should just kill myself because im obviously making shit up. my grades werent the greatest this semester and thats apparently all i am to my family. idk where else i could post this and just needed to get it out of my mind.,Depression
+"just blows my mind how the older i all get the more selfish everyone around me seems to become. no one cares, no one wants to help or listen. they all just want to talk about their lives. i can't find people who actually value relationships or friendships, we are becoming a society that is so narcissistic that it makes me sick.",Depression
+"i don't know, almost nobody remembered it. i'm 29 now, birthdays shouldn't be a big deal... but i'm always the one that bakes or buys cakes to my friends, the one who organizes reunions to celebrate... and no one did that for me. it feels bad, man. i feel so alone.",Depression
+i am from britain. my mum left when i was a baby. at school everyone bullies me because i live in a druggie neighborhood and i don't eat breakfast or lunch and my school uniform is too small that my pants are splitting and i found holes in my shoes . everyone thinks it's even funnier when i'm tripped up on my face and then call me a tosser. they bully me because my dad can't afford internet or school trips or breakfast . i know i shouldn't be posting here or even on here but i'm just in need of a friend to talk to. i am at school for like 15 more minutes which is how i am posting this. please be my friend i will go to the library later if i can if anyone is willing to talk to me .,Depression
+do you guys see what i’m saying here. i’m always constantly completely bullshitting myself 24/7. i always pretend that there are a few certain things that would make me feel a little better then i get them and i want the opposite. complete self destruction and all,Depression
+"i’m 22, senior in college, and some days i’m in up to four classes. if i don’t have to work that day, work requires me to talk, i can go through the entire day with having little to no interaction with another human. no one texts me throughout the day, no one talks to me before or after classes, and i feel as though no one even looks at me when i walk down the street, beyond the cashier at the cafe telling me my coffee and donut is $3, i feel as though i don’t exist. i’m not suicidal but that doesn’t mean the thought that if i’d i disappear the entire world would continue moving without noticing hasn’t graced my mind. to complicate things i’ve even walked by friends, best of friends, without them noticing me or saying hi, even if i make an attempt to. i try to just enjoy my walk but being surrounded by so many people makes me feel claustrophobic. today in particular i decided to dress nicer, maybe i’d get someone to notice me. i wore something my ex-gf had always thought i looked handsome in. the painful reality is that i felt even more alone today, more distant from the entire society of college that i wanted to run as far as i could away from it. people are always telling me that “if you want to make friends or meet a girl, you have to be the one to make that first conversation” but if that’s the case why isn’t any ever trying to make that conversation with me. thank-you for noticing me today.",Depression
+"this sub has helped me through my darkest times. even though i may not be fully healed, i am ready to leave the sub. thank you for everyone who helped me.",Depression
+"i have been struggling with depression for a couple of years but hit rock bottom last year. it was a brutal year and i was done. there was countless nights i wanted to quit. but after a long journey and still is today, i started to have more good days than bad days. today was the day that made all of the bad days worth it. it made all of the efforts to not give up worth it. i got to spend time with my mom, who has limited time left on this earth, grandmother, family, and my so. we went to a nba game tonight. my brother got a executive suite to surprise my grandmother, who was a lifelong fan, to her first live game. i got her a jersey with her nickname and the number 17 that symbolizes the total number of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. everything was amazing tonight. our team won after a close game. i was so honored and happy to be with my family. i know how hard it is to continue with your life when you are done. i know who hard it is to not say i’m done and i don’t want to continue anymore. but trust me. you will start to have more good days. just like i had today. there is light at the end of a long and dark tunnel. don’t give up. keep fighting. 💕",Depression
+you know those long times you feel numb but suddenly feel emotions while thibking about how shit your life is and become overwhelmed to the point of exploding in tears? tell me i'm not the only one who feels this way..,Depression
+"it’s so stressful. there’s so many things i want to do but i just can’t at the moment and it sucks. theoretically, i could be physically paralyzed for months and it would be just the same as if i wasn’t paralyzed and living my regular depressed life. watching your life go by without any motives and meaning as you have no one there beside you because you’ve kicked everyone out of your life is one of the worst feelings for me.",Depression
+"current plan: move out to the midwest. cheap one bedroom apartment(s) for the rest of life. no college. work at a wendy’s or something, hopefully as manager. bald young. smoke a lot of cigarettes. never talk to anyone outside of work. i don’t want to die so i’ll do the next worst thing. i am too exhausted to continue trying to do stuff in my life",Depression
+"i've been dealing with this long enough that i'm fairly certain things aren't going to get better. medication doesn't work. talk therapy doesn't work. hitting the gym doesn't work. getting degrees in psychology doesn't work. consulting experts in the field doesn't work. moving out to the country doesn't work. and that's fine. i'm okay with that now. i'm just not really suited for the human experience. not really my thing. i'm just gonna give my pets as much happiness as i can until they pass. and when they go, i'll be going as well. i know this sorta post isn't really that helpful here. i just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head and articulate them to someone other than myself. please don't tell me to call a hotline and listen to some underpaid stranger try to convince me that i'm mistaken.",Depression
+"i usually dont wash or fold unless i absolutely have to, so i typically look like a mess. having folded clothes made me a little more confident when i got dressed that i could make it through today.",Depression
+"it's almost the end of the 2010's, it was the last halloween of this decade and i did nothing, hell no kids do anything anymore. to think it's almost thanksgiving, then christmas, then it's over. i remember faintly the faces of peers from primary school. i wonder where they are, but that doesn't matter now. ""why are you like this? why are you so absent?"" because i don't belong anywhere on the face of the earth, time yells louder as peers begin to divide. in this hell i dwell in, i find myself having one thing life could never give me---certainty. i hate time, it's ran off somewhere without me and expects me to chase after it like some fucking dog. the ticking and the ticking of the clock is so loud, it taunts me and forbids me to think. i want to break every fucking clock i see, but even then i know i'll still hear the ticking, that fucking noise. my therapist once told me to just count down the minutes, i'm yet to have silenece at my door.",Depression
+im 32 male living in liverpool and so unbelievabley useless. i sit at home all day have no friends. i moved to a place where i don't know anyone. i do nothing all day long apart from going to the gym. i only go to the gym because i'm a lazy fuck and give my self some pain and suffering for how useless i am. i'm unemployed because i have mental issues where i don't give a damm if i die or not and a risk from losing it everyday and wouldn't turn up to work if im not feeling good. i try to date but can only blag it for so long till my real self comes out that i'm nothing and not worth being in a relationship with. im to much of a coward to commit suicide but hate living. the more i try to self improve the more i end up not caring about anything. i don't trust people and people waste my time always. i tried to believe in god went to church quite a lot but feel like it's for delousonal people. and not one thing changed within myself. i'm just sitting here watching shit on netflix wasting my time knowing i'm a waste of space and oxygen hoping i die of a heart attack.,Depression
+"thankyou for asking me if i was okay when you noticed i was crying. thankyou for telling me you hope things get better, your face promised me it would. i feel better because somebody, even a total stranger cared about me in that moment. i was drafting my suicide note at that time but for now it will stay drafted. thankyou.",Depression
+i can't stand how people these days are patting themselves on the back for spreading awareness about mental health. there is still so much farther to go. we have not made nearly enough progress for complacency.,Depression
+"i took a number of ssris during my last depressive episode and wellbutrin xl was the only one that made me flip into ""good days"" on occasion, however, would often slip back into depression after i went to sleep and woke up. i finally got out of my last depressive episode was during a ""good day"" where i got angry about flipping back to depression each time, that i vowed to wake up the next day feeling normal. strangely, it worked! i was feeling good for about 1 1/2 years, off the wellbutrin xl, and life was good. about 5 months ago, i fell back into depression and am taking wellbutrin xl again. hasn't done much but in 5 months, have only flipped into a ""good day"" twice where i feel normal, energized, have my motivation back and feel like my old self. i tried to get angry and vowed to wake up to being feeling good, but sadly, the next morning i was back to a deep depression. has anyone else had this experience?",Depression
+"i've joined this sub-reddit filled with pure agony with all the things i've experienced in school, family, and myself. but eversince this year, i've managed to find love, gain my old friends with a handful of new ones, and i've finally become academically stable. everything is going well, family still needs a couple of help financially and emotionally but despite that i think i'm finally complete. i've read so much posts here that i could relate to, giving me reassurance that im not alone. it made me stronger, it helped me understand what i was going through and how can i get out and im finally free from all of the sadness and constant days of wanting to dissapear and hoping for death to come. i thank you guys for helping me in a way that is unnoticable but very remarkable, i hope that i won't be alone in getting out. it's very pretty here i hope that i get to meet you all once again. music helped me alot too :)",Depression
+"hi everyone, i'm 24 y/o female, my brother is a 19 y/o. mid may, my brother was taken to the hospital for attempting suicide. his online friends called his college to request a wellness check and got the cops involved. they found him unconscious in his dorm room. we have a very toxic mom. to give you some context, my mom told him ""do it right the next time so we don't have to drive 8 hours to pick you up."" she loves us but she's very immature, toxic, physically abusive, mentally abusive, etc. she's sort of a horrible human being but in her mind, she has done all she can for us. she had me when she was 19, single mom, we don't talk to our dad. he's set on doing it again because my brother and i have an extremely close relationship and he doesn't want to be a burden on me. he has been failing school, hates my mom, and feels like if he kills himself, my life will become better because my mom will realize she is the problem. but my mom will never know that. he thinks i'll be sad for a couple of years but i'll get through it because i'm a strong person. he has told my boyfriend that he has bought 100 pills this time for his second attempt. my brother is the best. but my mom has fucked him up so much. he feels like he doesn't deserve my love and feels extremely guilty that i'll have to take care of him when i went through so much to get where i am. i just graduated with a masters degree and looking for a job on the west coast. i also want to note there is a genetic component. on my mom's side, my grandpa, my uncle have killed themselves. my mom has attempted suicide when i was in high school by jumping off our apartment but survived. i have been depressed since age 7 but became healthy two years ago. my brother has felt this way since he was 10. i told him once i get a job i can take him away forever and help him get his life back on track but he doesn't want to burden me. what do i do? has anyone been in a situation like this?",Depression
+"that's all i want. i wanna go to a park, lay on the grass by the lake and look at the stars, alone. life is so beautiful, just wish i wasn't apart or this society",Depression
+"i feel awful. i have absolutely nobody. my best and only friend has left me on read since the beginning of may, my family doesn't give a shit, every person i talk to becomes disinterested in me and eventually drops me completely. i'm so fucking lonely. i cry almost every fucking day. i can't go a day without smoking. i don't know who i am anymore. i hate myself. i hate everything. i just want to be done. i've gained so much weight. i've ruined my body. i hurt everywhere everyday. i purposely do unhealthy things to slowly kill myself. i probably can't have kids now. i can't look in the mirror without getting upset. i can't keep doing this. i don't blame people for not liking me, i hate myself more than anyone else possibly could. i just want to be normal. i want to be happy. i don't remember the last time i was genuinely happy.",Depression
+i hate how fake this world is i don’t want any part of it anymore if someone put a gun to my head i’d tell them to pull the trigger.,Depression
+"don't you feel like wanting people to just get off your back and leave you alone, except that you don't really wanna be alone? don't you also feel so sad that you internalize everything but you still hope that someone... anyone will just read your mind and come by to give you what you want to hear, except you actually don't know what you want and you can't tell them because you already know what they'll say? and don't you also feel so... defeated but you hope that maybe eventually you'll find a reason, maybe a person, or at least a way to cure this feeling... but not really? yeah sorry guys i don't really have a place to vent, just wanted to share.",Depression
+lately i was so happy. but then my period came along and i can barely function. it didn't use to be this severe either. the depression is unbelievably bad. i feel so disoriented. home doesn't feel like home. etc.... edit: thanks everyone ❤ i'll talk to my dr to find out if there's something else going on. there's gotta be another way 😪,Depression
+"i enjoy hanging out in groups and watching people interact with each other, but i hate that i have to be apart of it. i'd much rather just be a fly on the wall through life than to have to be an active participant. kinda hard to put into words. anyone feel similar?",Depression
+im 21 living at my grandparents like a bum. i have no job and no girlfriend and only 4 friends. i got a dwi and have no license now. cant think of a reason to keep living and i could really use a person to talk to. i mean really at this point i just dont see reason why i should stay in this world. its all meaningless. my teeth are screwed so i dont see myslef getting a girlfriend but even so who would wanna be in a relationship with a nobody like me anyway. i know im just complaining here. im sorry. 😔,Depression
+"sleep is the only time i feel okay. i feel like i have vivid, colorful dreams where i actually feel happy but i wake up and it’s back to reality. but i’m in a constant struggle between staying up late so i can delay the inevitable of going back to work and sleeping longer. sometimes if i wake up in the middle of the night i just stay awake so i can “delay” going to work. i lie awake for hours, checking the clock every fifteen minutes... ugh... someone help me omg",Depression
+"it took massive amounts of energy, but somehow i accomplished something today. i woke up just in time before the garbage pickup came. it's so hard just to stay afloat and not stay in bed so these little victories have to count for something. it seems like forcing myself to do everything in the morning will lead to more productivity, it's tough. i remember when i had the energy to do all these things without even thinking twice.",Depression
+"dude, what the actual fuck. fuck all this ""therapy will help"" bullshit. all my past therapists have fucking sucked. i'm on to my 5th one now and now i can't even get a fucking appointment. fuck this therapy bullshit. it doesn't help, never will help, never has helped. it's all just a fucking sham for old white people to make money talking/ taking advantage of mentally ill people. fuck it all. this is all just a massive waste of my fucking time. i'm so fucking tired of living.",Depression
+"i can't hide, i can't cry out loud, they don't understand me if i can't clean my room or can't go out. they watch you fall apart and criticise you while it happens.",Depression
+"nothing is wrong in particular in my life, i have a couple things that are kinda down. but nothing i can say should be making me have such a bad reaction to it. if you want to know, i have started a new job and part of the job is night shift sometimes... but i know that flip floping day to night makes me very sick, but if i am permanent nightshift it doesnt bother me. i know i can talk to my managers but part of me would rather just find a new job. however i am finding myself thinking even worse than usual about cutting my throat open and bleeding to death. the image in my mind is quite graphic, more so than normal.",Depression
+"i tried to post this a few times, but for reason it won't show up in the ""news feed"" and i thought it may be because the more i wrote the more i just started to vent. i am sorry if this isn't the right sub to post this and will gladly delete it if that is the case. and apologize for losing myself in writing all that down. it actually kinda helped me just to write it down and get it off my shoulders!",Depression
+"every fucking second of every fucking minute of every fucking hour of every fucking day is nothing but a torturous hellscape in my mind. i have nothing to live for, and every reason to just end it all and finally be free. nothing brings me joy, i have lost every last shred of hope for a happy life. 20 agonizing years of existence has led me to nothing but misery and failure and despair. and yet, i just don't have the courage to do the right thing and remove myself from this world. lift the burden off of everyone's shoulders. i am a coward, through and through.",Depression
+"whether it's people, places or phases in life. i make a rule not to get close to the point i'll miss something/someone so why does this keep happening when i'm so utterly disdainful of attachment?",Depression
+"i suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i sucki suck i suck i'm not good at anything i constantly loose i loose i loose iloose i loose i loose i loose i loose i practice constantly, drawing, video games, anything i loose i fail i have no talent i have no skills i'm not capable of learning i'm ugly as fuck i'm just angry fucking end me.",Depression
+"i was on dope for 3 years. i now have the realisation i was on it to block out all the problems i had, when i was on it, nothing mattered. i had no friends, no life, no happiness, nothing. i went through 5 days of physical withdrawal; anxiety, shaking, sweating, puking, headaches, etc. pure fucking hell. but nothing prepared me for what i would encounter after: everything i had been hiding, suppressing and ignoring. all the depression, doubt, self-hatred, feat and pain caught up to me. as it always does. now i'm having to face all of that. the same feelings i had tried to block out for 3 years but came flooding back to me. i've been an idiot, instead of working on these things i wasted my time drowning them, just for them to come back full force. i'm in therapy, working on these things slowly but surely. i'm on 30mg mirtazapine, which to be honest has helped a lot. my point is, is youve established the problems with your life, start working on them immediately. don't waste time. it's worth it. i know what it's like, each day just not having the energy or drive to do anything at all. but please make a plan to do so in the meantime. i'm working hard on it. if i can, anyone can. take care, all of you. i believe in every single one of you",Depression
+"i wish i knew who to talk to, if i had anyone to talk to at all. a lot of the time, i'm too anxious to know what to do, and too worried to share my opinion or talk in public. i've gotten more irritable, and i hate it. at the same time, i wish i knew what i could do. how do you even make friends anymore? what do you do after you meet people?",Depression
+"i had to turn in my notes for a class, and forgot that i had a bunch of private writing in there. my teacher saw it, showed it to my other teachers, and eventually the principal, who sent me to the school therapist... it was the most embarrassing thing i've ever had to endure. i was called up to the school therapist's office and she showed me some scans of the journal and asked me what was up. it was a series of self deprecating shit about how much of a cunt i am. she had me explain why i was feeling that way, etc. i was in that room for about 2 hours. sounds like an awful situation, right? it turned out to be one of the best days of my life (but somehow still awful). i was just like a lot of you guys, being afraid to seek help, feeling that it would not work/be a waste of time, even in the morning today. i got the (it didn't seem like it at the time) privilege of getting the help brought to me. i learned today that shit like this can work. when i say work, i really mean it: * i was able to tell somebody the actual struggles that i have for the first time in my life. * they are objective people, they will always understand * i openly told them that i wanted to kill myself, and i was not brought to a hospital or whatever, per my request. * my teachers have now built an understanding of why i have d's in all of their classes. * my family didn't and won't ever know a thing * i was able to get a proper clinical diagnosis that i do have depression (helpful, in the sense that it's now set in stone as an actual thing, and i can better understand it all) what was bad about it? * it was uncomfortable * it was embarrassing. take the fact that this is the only positive post that i have put on this sub (not about me nearly taking my life, or hating it) and realize that there is actual help to be had. even when it's uncomfortable as fuck, as i have come to find out. i'm still not happy, or even content. but i'm more sensible with thinking about the shit that has been going on in my life forever, and am able to think of it with a more realistic perspective. if anyone has any more questions or any advise for people reading this, unsure if they want some guidance or not? please, by all means put something down below. thank you, all.",Depression
+"that's it really. even on good days, i still feel like shit. nothing is ever different. nothing is ever better. my entire existence is just a series of moments where i feel like shit, followed by moments where i'm too distracted to notice that i feel like shit. the only time i ever feel okay is when i'm distracted. video games, movies, whatever. but as soon as it stops, i feel awful again. fuck. that. what is the point in continuing to suffer? tomorrow isn't going to be any better, and neither is the day after that. i have years and years of evidence that shows tomorrow is going to be just as shitty as today. nothing is going to get better. what the fuck am i still doing here?",Depression
+"god dammit, i'm almost 24. i don't know what having someone choose to care is like. i forget what meaningful human contact is like. and you know what? when i was a kid.i wanted to know what all that was like. i wanted a girlfriend. i wanted to have sex, maybe eventually have a kid. i still want that, but you know what i want even more? to not want any of that. i don't want to feel anything. i want to be okay with nobody ever choosing to love me. i want to be okay with sleeping alone til i die. i know it's likely going to turn out that way, so why can't i just die inside already? this is fucking painful, and nobody cares (not that anyone should but that doesn't make it hurt any less). i always get accused of feeling ""entitled to a girlfriend"" or ""entitled to sex"" when that couldn't be further from the truth. i am entitled to nothing except death. i get it. i see the game, and i see the score. so why can't i stop wanting things i can never have? why can't i stop wanting affection and just move on? fuck being human.",Depression
+"the last few days i felt on top of the world, had boundless energy, felt my depression was completely cured. was so happy, life was so beautiful, every thing was so beautiful. i was planning days out, chatting to people more than i ever do, making jokes, laughing. felt a deep sense of calm and connection with the universe. now i'm lying in bed tired and miserable because i painted my shed door and made a mess of it so i'm obviously a worthless human being. the idea of following through with any of those plans i made fills me with dread. i wish the happiness would actually last.",Depression
+it's been like this for 4 years now and i'm getting so tired of that constant thought just bouncing around in my head. it makes me even more depressed to know that that i cant handle any minor incovenience without thinking about suicide first. i used to think this shit couldn't get much worse but i was so wrong.,Depression
+"i think of all those homeless people, kids in orphanages, civilians in war zones. how grateful they'd be to have a life like mine. i feel guilty that i feel miserable.",Depression
+"does anyone else feel this way? this has been crossing my mind a lot lately edit: i just want to thank everyone for the thoughtful, kind comments i've been recieving. it's been a nice change and i really appreciate it. you guys are the best. :)",Depression
+"people only think about themselves. your own pain doesnt matter, its just the pain for others, mentally healthy people they want to avoid. please dont confuse this with people who dont commit suicide because of other people - this is not what i am talking about. trying to push through by thinking about others is completely different than telling someone that their pain doesnt matter or matters less than the pain of others. imagine going to the doctor because of a broken leg and they tell you that you shouldn't have broken your leg because now people will have to help you get around and maybe drive you, and then they send you home again. thats stupid and bullshit. and if you go through with it and end it, people will either cry that they would have helped you, while we all know they wouldnt have, or they will blame you even further for ""hurting your mother"" or ""hurting your children"" etc. excuse me?? someone died to an illness and that is all you have to say? there was a threat once about someone who tried to kill themselves but failed - and everyone blamed them for the pain they inflicted on their parents (not the comments on reddit, comments irl they got). i was livid. our main focus should be to help people, not their relatives while pretending we can ignore their pain in hope they will too. we should talk about their pain, about their suffering, their fear. everyone is so quick to say ""oh yes mental illnesses are real ofc"" but when they are confronted with it they are ignorant. i dont think you can always keep going because of others. one day it will be too much. you need to put yourself first sometimes. the title might be misleading because you can say it - if its clear that this is not the only reason to not end your life and that your pain matters, but i cant write an essay in the title and i hardly ever heard someone say it without the worst judgement in their voice so...",Depression
+"im a burden, im toxic, i hate myself. loneliness began eating me whole when i realized no one is actually ever there for me. my friends has stopped trying to understand me. it just sucks bcs before i fully sunk into this hole, i was trying very hard to be cheerful. i always went out of my way to make others happy or to try at least understand them. i always, always sacrifice my time, and love--something i couldn't give myself i gave to others. but its so sad when i realized everyone was so much happier when i wasn't included. one time i just saw my friends having fun together and i stopped in my tracks to go to them. i stared from afar how joyous they were without my presence, therefore i maintained it that way. i kept avoiding them, i just didn't have anymore energy to hold a basic conversation. i cant even finish tasks anymore. im still friends, we still talk, but they know how i feel now ans they don't understand me. they thought i was just having mood swings. how i wish that was the case. cleaning the house takes me weeks to finish and i cant even do my homeworks anymore. im failing class and im failing life. tl;dr? ""it doesn't matter what i do or what i choose i'm what's wrong. there's nothing i can do about it. if i'm not hurting myself, i'm hurting everyone around me. there's nothing i can do about it. i'm... i'm broken."" -- det. debra morgan im sorry for wasting your time.",Depression
+"i'm 18 and i've... honestly struggled with depression for as far as i can recall being alive. i know a lot of people feel like depression is the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry, or just constant numbness, but for me it was pure agony. every second of my life was spent hopeless and wanting to die. something else a lot of people say is that depression has its ups and down, and i don't remember having any ups at all; it was just a constant downward slope for me and i felt more and more hopeless by the day. i could not get out of bed. some days it was so bad that i would scratch my thighs violently with my nails and lie on the pool of blood created on my mattress because i had the urge to hurt myself but i couldn't even be assed to get out of bed to get something sharp. if i were to rate it on a scale of one to ten, one being normal and ten being constantly being stabbed by burning knives in every inch of your body, i would give it an eleven. the only thing that kept me alive was my desire to pursue a career in astrophysics, but even that was slipping out of reach because studying was unthinkable for someone in my state. on january 7th of this year i decided i had enough and posted a suicide note on here, headed to the bathroom to try to drink bleach, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. because minutes after i had locked myself in, 7 of my friends burst in through the front door asking my grandma where i was and if i was okay, because they had called several times in the past hour and i had not answered them. they had even brought me all of my favorite snacks. they put on my favorite movie from my childhood (finding nemo) and we watched it all cuddled up together on my bedroom floor eating the snacks while one of the girls braided my hair and tied it with a white ribbon that i still have. i wish i could say that this was the turning point, but sadly it wasn't. however their love made me feel so warm inside. it definitely made me think twice about attempting suicide again. it took me another month and a week until i gathered the balls to see a psychiatrist, which with my abusive family situation is the bravest fucking thing i have ever done. i ignored my mother screaming about how psychiatrists are evil and will try to lock her up in jail and i had my dad drive me to my first appointment and by god i will forever celebrate february 15th as the day i was given a second shot at life. i was scared to death but my psychiatrist is such a nice guy and i felt like talking to a best friend (he even showed me pictures of his cat, a black little fella called pumpkin but he did not respond to that so they just called him fufi). i was put on 50 mg of zoloft, a brief prescription for clonotril (a different brand name for klonopin, so clonazepam) for when i was having panic attacks or trouble sleeping, and a reference for a therapist. at first my mother tried to withhold my meds, then tried to convince me that i should take them at evening because that's when some doctor friend of hers said i should, and i did and i could not fucking sleep all night. i took zoloft properly for the first time the next morning. it took three weeks to kick in. i only realized that it had when i found myself laughing myself to tears while my best friend tried to open a beer bottle with his belt buckle when we were in the middle of a cinema watching battle angel alita. i don't think i had ever felt unadulterated joy before. it felt so fucking good dude, i can't even describe how fucking amazing it feels to spend your entire life in agony and suddenly you're happy! and you never thought you would ever feel such an emotion! and with the help of my therapist i started making a lot of progress in a short time. honestly, when i thought about the possibility of recovery i always imagined it would take me, like, at least a couple of years. i surprised myself by being able to get out of bed and go for a jog after only a month and a half. i would not say i am cured. i have a long, long way to go, but at least this time i'm walking and not crawling towards my destination, hell, i finally even have a destination. i feel like a proper human for the first time since i can remember and i can finally fully dedicate myself to my beloved astrophysics and get better at it. i used to spend my saturday evenings crying myself to sleep. now i go out with my wonderful friends and meet new people, play guitar on stages in front of crowds which i never even imagined i could do let alone have people come up to me after the show and tell me i kick ass at guitar, have dinner without wanting to throw up because i feel fat and disgusting, and if i stay in i spend my night drawing or writing music or studying. i used to be unable to fall asleep and when i did i would get the worst nightmares. my sleep isn't that good to be honest, but the quality has improved and i no longer sleep for 15 hours straight if not woken up. i used to have panic attacks when strangers talked to me. now i have made so many new friends, and they all say that my sense of humor is great! i never even thought of myself as a funny person! i am so fucking thankful to whatever deity is responsible for my road to recovery. i can't believe that i have hope. i am actually crying as i type this because feeling emotion is such a new thing for me and god fucking damn it, it feels amazing. i hope everyone gets to experience something like this because it's the best fucking thing ever. i am human now.",Depression
+"well, today marks 24 years from the day i was born. and for as long as i can remember, it's still one shitty fucking birthday. last year was pretty shitty. i lost my best friend, my job, had not a dime to my name and was suicidally depressed. this year i'm on medication and i'm trying to be happier, to move on and to make a better man out of myself and to just try to be.... better. of course life wants to bitch slap me in the fucking face. so far since waking up i've found out that the police have recovered my wallet that was stolen a week ago. the wallet that had every shred of id in it. all the id was torn to pieces and purposefully destroyed and stuffed back in the bill folds. so i found out that someone maliciously fucked with my shit. great. then i went to the bank to check how little money i had. see if i could get something for my birthday. on the way someone picks my pocket and steals my new wallet. only thing in there was my bank card, but still disheartening. i go into the bank, they gave me a ton of shit for having to get a new card as if it was my fucking fault that i've had my shit stolen. i find out i've got $3. cool. i go back to the homeless shelter i'm staying at and i get an email from family. $30 for my birthday! sweet! i can get like a single can of beer, or a cupcake or just something to commemorate the fact it's my birthday. not too much to ask i'd say. i deposit it only to find out in the fucking couple hours since i checked my bank account, they've taken out the monthly fees. there were other bank fees and yet another statement fee that they keep not reversing or taking off my account despite getting no statements. all in all? -$29. so i had about 68 cents to play with by the time it was all said and done. i mean is it too much to ask for a fucking break in my fucking life? for one fucking day where i can actually say that it's fucking mine and i can enjoy it or do i have to suffer through this fucking bullshit for the next goddamn century? if so i'll fucking finish it now. i am so fucking sick of this shit. fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!",Depression
+"i always dreamt of being a chef in a fancy restaurant so i went to culinary school. i actually got to live my dream and work in some very fancy places. then i lost my job and had to move back in with my parents in florida. i gave up on fine dining and went back to school for computers. its been 3 years now and i am about to finish my bachelors degree. i'm still living with my parents but its obvious they want me to leave. they always push me into moving far away too. they never stop comparing me to my brother who got into a good college and is studying to be a doctor. he has the perfect girlfriend from a perfect family who is also studying for her medical degree. meanwhile my only relationship has been with the daughter of some of my friends parents. she ended up cheating on me and pretty much destroying whatever self worth i had left. now my parents blame me for ruining the relationship with her and making it awkward when they hang out with their friends. i just found out my family is leaving for christmas. they are taking my brother and his girlfriend to some cabin in the snow. i only found out about it because they told me i need to dog sit the new puppy my brother adopted. my dreams are dead, my parents want me gone, i'm still in love with ex just because she was the first person to touch me and hold me and make me feel good about myself. i spend all my money on pot and alcohol. i get drunk almost every night and if i dont smoke when i wake up i'm a miserable mess all day. i hate my life i dont know how i'm going to make it through the holidays. i need to have 6 of my teeth pulled but i can't ask my parents for more money so i'm in pain every day. the tooth pain was so bad a coulpe of weeks ago i stole a bottle of 50 oxycotins. i finished it within 2 weeks. since i moved back home i've gained 50lbs and i hate myself more then ever. i break down crying almost every day. i know i need help i just don't know who can help me.",Depression
+"kinda shitty advice. but i'll start with some backstory. i'm on mobile so forgive me. (this will be kinda rambly) i was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorder after i checked into a psychiatric hospital a few years back, but i always felt as i grew up that something was wrong. when i went to go meet my biological mother (who is very bipolar) when i was 18 things started to click with me that i needed to figure out a way to find meaning. it didn't help that my step-mom was an abusive cunt. so overall i kinda suck at being a person.(still do) anyways, i've struggled with constantly feeling down, and also feeling a whole lotta shit i didn't really understand. because of this i turned to weed and alcohol when i was 15. went through a few phases of drinking hard, but really weed was my poison of choice(still dont think it's bad but that's for another sub). again anyways because of the plant i kinda regained a sense of what it meant to be a healthy functioning member of society, but it was only a sense. a taste of what its like to kinda face things with some objective stoicism. a new perspective. but its a fading remedy, a bandaid. it doesn't address the core of the problem. well, new years eve 2018 i get arrested for an ounce of pot and a gram of shrooms. as i stood there with those cuffs on i couldnt help but think ""damn, cant catch a break.."" that was a low point, sitting in that cell. in my own cell with anklets as if i were the most dangerous person in there. statistically speaking i kinda was, at least the type of person most frequently shot by police, a mentally ill colored man mid 20s. but i just wanted to feel better. for the past 15 years constantly thinking of the relief dying would be. those thoughts popped right back into my head with my ass on that cold bench. how nice it would be to not be a burden to my dad. i'm tired of feeling that way and to this day i feel that way. but... a human life doesnt last that long and i know one day ill die anyways. its the only thing promised when you're born is that you'll die. so i observe those thoughts and counter them with the former. ""i wanna die. -you will."" so how do i make this time count if none of it really matters. what do i do with this big cosmic joke of an existence? i make it worth it for my dad. we struggle. sometimes we dont know how we'll pay the rent, things get complicated with family, with work, with life. and all of it together makes me wanna opt out. but then i think of leaving him by himself to deal with it himself and what a living hell that would be. even if i cant do much, ill do what i can till i can't. because if i dont that would make me sadder than anything i can ever encounter in my life. my point is that out there there are strong, amazing, incredibly intelligent and driven people, who do this shit alone. while feeling everything. and its heart breaking. my dad spent his life trying to make me feel welcome when every fiber of my being says i don't belong on this earth. the least i can do is gtfo bed and try to do something. even if my battle that day is just to brush my teeth. so that he can see a good looking smile that he made. to make him feel just a little better. that's my part, my mission. thats what gets me up. there are people that can use your help, and you owe it to them. but that s just my opinion.",Depression
+"and it's all i can think about. i barely know her and it was just something she said after i stumbled into class late. her friend told me before she could shut her up...you know, the usual girl thing. fuccckk... how pathetic am i. i never thought someone'd actually say that about me and now it's the only thing keeping me going. i don't think i'm cute. i can't see it. but fuck, someone actually called me cute.",Depression
+it just seems so strange to me that most people don’t spend every waking moment hating themselves and thinking about death. like while they’re waiting for the train what do they think about if not jumping on the tracks and ending it right there? or seeing a building and wondering if the impact of jumping from it will be enough to kill them? do they just look at a tree with strong branches and think “what a nice tree that is” instead of which branch would be best to hang myself from? how is it possible that some people just don’t want to die? not to mention so many people who go through painful and expensive treatments just to stay alive. it makes me feel so guilty for all the times i’ve wished to get cancer so i can die without having to do anything. i wish i could donate my physical health to someone who needs it so i can just let my sick brain shrivel up and die.,Depression
+"my life sucks now and has always sucked. i've always struggled with depression, bipolar and self harm and awful social anxiety. waking up and thinking about all the years ahead, makes me absolutely exhausted in a way that sleep can't even touch. i realized the other day.. i don't wanna be alive, but i also don't want to die. i feel like there's a chance later on, my life could be amazing. a husband & family, a job, ect.. and if i died, i'd never get to experience what i want so bad. so for now, i guess i'll keep doing what i'm doing and hope something changes and just keep hope. anyone else ever felt this way?",Depression
+"everyone's chasing money money money. gotta get a job to get money money money money buy your new porsche clothes house dog fence life. it's fucking stupid. 100 hours a week at work only to come home to have to study some more and more and more so you can keep your job and keep up with every other rat in this shit. arrogant and elitist people everywhere trying to get their prestige and money money money. gotta work at the big companies or else you're a failure. everyone with their smug smiles and facial expressions telling you how to get where they are, but they know they don't care. it's only for the youtube money money money. like the great philosopher earl sweatshirt said ""you're not passionate about half the shit that you're into""",Depression
+"i'm having a really hard time keeping up with life, especially since the lockdown started. i just don't feel like i have anything to live for. i *do not* want to be happy. i just don't understand what happiness is to be completely honest. that is not to say that i'm unhappy and miserable, what i'm saying is that happiness and sadness has become the same thing for me. i just can't separate the two. on top of that, there's this feeling of guilt i keep having about everything. i *am* from a rich family, people have always expected me to be on top of everything ever since i learned to walk, but i was never able to be on top. i've always sucked at everything. i tried to be on top, but never made it. and so now i'm this 21 year old uni student. and i've been hammered so much with that mindset of trying to get to be best at everything, and since i've always failed at that, i feel safer as a failure. i just *do not* feel that i want to succeed. i've become an emotional masochist. sometimes i imagine that a loved one would come and choke me to death to put me out of this misery and leave me in a cold dead end where no one would ever come across again. that's not to say i'm suicidal. i am *not*. i just like having those kinds of imaginations. the only thing i do to keep my mind off of these feelings these days is that i listen to music. even my genres are new age, or shoegazing or doom metal, which used to be uplifting epic music. now i'm not going too much into that stuff, but i hope i've made my point clear. i'm not looking for concrete advice. perhaps simply writing these down and sharing might help me a lot. thank you for taking the time to read through this whole post. i truly appreciate it.",Depression
+"hi, this is a throwaway for obvious reasons. i want to thank this comunity for support during worst days. i have been depressed for a long time. in a month i am going to be a 50 yo failure, a ghost, etc. i am living completely alone with my cat. all my relatives are dead or cut off contacts with me a long time ago. i make a decent living and have travelled a lot. why am i virgin? good question. i am obviously not a tall blonde with blue eyes, so yeah...my parents were very emotionally abusive, so i grew up timid,socially anxious and depressed. i've been through therapy a lot, but that didn't help with my personal life at all. so yeah...but really, i think i have high standarts, but who cares? anyways, feel free to ask me anything!) ps. my advice to young virgins(16-25 yo). i can't tell anything usefeul to you, maybe you are ugly as me, or maybe you are just shy. sorry. when i was 20 i thought that it's no big deal, and in a month i will have sex, i had no doubt that it will happen. funny, but you know the rest of this story( edit. didn't expect this to blow up to these proportions. thank you guys for kind words and support. i will try to answer as many answerds as possible. edit2. by the way, i am not hopeless or bitter. just very depressed, that's why this ended up in this sub. i see a lot of threads by young 20-25 y.o. virgins, so i decided to share my story, i thought that may be helpful in some way. edit3. omg i did not expect the post about me being an old vrigin to be my most upvoted and popular, especially on throaway account.",Depression
+"i ordered groceries, pretty much all produce. i will not let them go bad. i'm doing laundry today. i'm showering today and brushing my hair. i just might even mow my back yard (not likely, but it's fun to dream) i'm not letting my depression best me today.",Depression
+"guys. i had my first appointment with a psychologist today. it wasn't a pleasant experience but i have felt better today than i have in a long time. i've been on antidepressants now for three weeks (been on 4 different types in the past and they haven't done shit) and i can't believe the changes i am feeling. if anyone is reading this and is thinking about getting help, please do it! i've been stuck in bed since november, not able to go to uni because i've been suicidal, and honestly i had given up. i thought things were never going to get better. iv had depression for 5 years now and i finally feel like things might get better. i haven't been optimistic in so long. trust me, if i can be optimistic you can too! iv had the same self hatred, suicidal thoughts and inability to get out of bed that i bet a lot of you have too. please don't give up, it can get better!! ❤❤",Depression
+"does anyone else ever feel like... they aren’t doing things for enjoyment but they’re just doing manual controls of themselves bc they have to? “ okay now it’s time to eat. okay that’s done, now it’s time to lay down. okay that’s done, now it’s time to see your friends” but everything really just feels like you’re going through the motions without any real enjoyment?",Depression
+"so, i was listening to the song ""in my life"" by the beatles (fantastic song, i highly suggest you give it a try if you haven't already) and going through old pictures and stuff (mainly screenshots and sfm's i made with my greatest internet friend circle that has unfortunately disbanded since year ago), and whereas the memories were nice, they made me severely and cripplingly depressed. i miss the good times. the times when my depression wasn't there. the times when my innocence was still there, even if it was only a little. the times when i was actually happy.. i miss them a lot, those memories. same with my old friends. now, i'm super introverted, anxious, depressed, suicidal, hopeless, and the list goes on. i miss the simpler times, to summarize. does anybody else get this way when they reminisce on old memories? i'm really sad, and am wanting to go back to those times. i used to be innocent, happy, and surrounded by friends (even if most were online friends). now? now i'm corrupt with bad habits, cripplingly depressed, more lonely than ever, and i crave love that i seem to never be able to obtain. i miss the simpler times.. sorry for any typos, and sorry if this was oddly structured. it's past 1 am for me, and i'm tired as fuck. i just wanted to get this out and see if i wasn't alone. anyways, cheers..",Depression
+"my life is divided in two: before my depression, and after my depression. i’m always thinking about the before — when things were great, when i was happy. i deeply long for those times. i’m always trying to pinpoint where i went wrong. i’m always wishing i could go back and prevent everything. nostalgia is meant to be a positive feeling, but for me, its extremely painful. i feel like i refuse to confront my reality, so i seek refuge in the comfort of my past. i feel paralyzed...",Depression
+"sorry if this has been asked before, but i was wondering if anyone knows or has experienced their intelligence deteriorating because of depression (or maybe meds)? i really used to be so smart and understood things easily and now i struggle so much academically and it makes me so frustrated and sometimes brings me to tears the fact that i feel so stupid and i feel like get stupider every year, i can't tell if it's because of my illness (i have chronic depression so i'll be taking meds my whole life) or what. any insight would be appreciated.",Depression
+"today's starting off like shit. same shit house with no idea where i'm going. and i'm 90 percent sure my fiances new promotion is going to fall through. why does depression have to feel like a warm blanket i want to crawl into and spend the day in. its safe, i don't have to worry about anything going wrong because everything's already gone wrong.",Depression
+i make a lot of mistakes and am very awkward so i end up thinking the words “kill yourself” dozens of times a day. it’s like a reflex at this point. i’m not actually going to kill myself but it’s like some subconscious desire bubbling up from deep down. i’m afraid i’ll start saying it out loud or something,Depression
+"i miss having friends. i miss liking to play video games. i miss thinking i was smart. i miss being in love. i miss looking forward to the weekend. i miss enjoying waking up in the morning! can you believe that? there was a time where i woke up, and i was like ""fuck yeah, i get to be me for a whole goddamn day!"" i miss looking forward to holidays and my birthday instead of dreading them. i miss having a future i actually believed in. i miss having hope. when there are moments that get dark like this, i just... i miss what i had. if you read this, and if you ever stumble your way into happiness like i did, please don't let it go. you'll regret it if you do.",Depression
+"my depression has gotten really bad over the last 2 years, and today i realized something. i don't have anyone. everyone i talk to, people i'd call 'friends' don't really care. they only notice me when i'm the one who talks first. i make plans with them, set up so much and help everyone around me, but none of them care. i skipped school to see what would happen, and nothing. no one even noticed. my parents hate me, and i'm alone. none of this really matters, and no one cares. i'm just so tired, and i want it all to just end. i don't know why i'm posting this, i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i don't know anything at all. and most of you are just going to look over this and leave. but if you care, will you talk to me?",Depression
+"-- getting dressed is hard. -- getting shit started is hard. -- getting shit finished is hard. -- making tea... that's okay. -- drinking it, fine too. -- going to bed is hard. -- getting out of it is even harder. -- sitting on the computer, that's alright. -- getting work done, that's hard -- leaving the house, well i wouldn't know today. -- speaking is hard. -- laughing, that is good.",Depression
+"then you clearly have no fucking idea how depression and/or mental illness works. at all. so don't act like you fucking get it. excuse my language, i'm just tired of people think it's easy as that. i wish more people understood that's not how depression and mental illness work.",Depression
+"there's no ""help"" when the person is only talking to you because you're giving her fucking 90 bucks an hour. she only sees you as a source of money, how can that be ""help"" if that's the nature of the relationship with a therapist? that's why i can't bring myself to get a therapist, because what the fuck kind of bullshit arrangement is that?",Depression
+"i feel like even the simplest things like playing a video game or playing soccer takes up so much of my energy. it's so ridiculous how the things that i'm supposed to enjoy, are so hard to build up the energy to do and can totally eliminate me for the rest of the day after only doing them for a short period of time. it's bad enough that depression is ruining my entire life and future, but it also ruins the things i love.",Depression
+"maybe it's just me. i just always have. it carries me away to a world where it's just me, the music, and my thoughts... until someone interrupts me. even when there's nothing to talk about someone always brings up something. ""so what was your favorite day of kindergarten"" trying to make a joke out of nowhere. maybe i'm over exaggerating and maybe i seem like an asshole, but when i have my earbuds in i don't want to talk. i just want to listen to music. it actually helps for me. at the moment it seems to be helping more than the medication that i'm on for depression. then again maybe that's because the dose is too low. but music seems to help more than anything. people seem to think i'm pissed or trying to be a dick. im happy. sure i'm trying to ignore people but that's the point of music for me. not to be dick but to be lost. that's why i always listen to music. because it actually helps. the same line from the song american pie is stuck in my head ""this'll be the day that i die"" i love that song but sometimes that very line hits me. its makes me remember that i want to die but am too afraid to do it myself. sometimes i repeat to myself hoping ""this'll be the day that i die.""",Depression
+"i’m depressed. it takes an insane amount of effort just to get out of bed, let alone do anything else “productive.” my mom has been badgering me as soon as i woke up to start looking for jobs and that i should start working at this gymnastics gym that my sister goes too. that i should work as a summer camp counselor. i didn’t have the energy to do much other than just kind of grunt and walk away. as she walks away she says “what? you’re just going to sit around and do nothing all summer?” and i say “yeah.” because that’s what i always do. i don’t want to nor do i have the motivation and energy to do anything more. a half hour later she comes in and she says “why are you acting like this? you’re turning 18 and as much as you may not like it, that’s life. and it’s all about making money now, right kitty?”( she then turns to make cat as if making the point to my cat is going to make me like her more.) i am so angry with her. so fucking angry. i’ve been reaching out for years telling her that i’m depressed and don’t want to even exist and she ignores all of it, but will push jobs and college onto me no matter what. i am so tired. i don’t understand why she doesn’t understand. i’ve been depressed since 6th grade. teachers of mine have reached out to her telling her that i have problems. i wanted to kill myself 6 years ago and i still do now but somehow that shit slipped her mind and all she cares about is that i’m turning 18 in two weeks and i shouldn’t be lazy. because life is about making money and that’s the only way i’ll be worth something.",Depression
+"it took almost 2 hours to get out of bed, and i cried the whole time i was in there, but i showered. i actually washed my hair and stuff too. super late edit: thank you to everyone who responded. i am still doing ok- my hometown had some nasty storms and it knocked out the internet for quite some time. we had power, just a backlog of people demanding expedient customer service from america's worst customer service provider/cable & internet provider (you know who you are). i appreciate all the responses and i'm so thankful to you all for taking the time to say such nice things to me. the storm finally broke the hell spiral that is a midwestern winter and i saw sunlight. seriously, it was beautiful, i cried a little. the hope of seeing it again and feeling on my skin has gotten me out of bed (almost) every day this week (sundays you're supposed to stay in bed and watch bad reality tv, right guys?). some days i didn't shower, but every day i went outside. i started just pacing in my back yard and have progressed to 2 laps around the block. sometimes i have to come home and go right back to bed, but there have been a few days that, now that spring has sprung, i decided to give myself a project. i will be upgrading my back yard into a beautiful garden. the flowers and the sun, i think, will do me a lot of good. on good days i can work outside and on bad days i can browse pintrest and reddit for new ideas. this is the most excited, the most anything i've been in a long time. and it started with your support and a simple shower. you're all so wonderful, thank you so much.",Depression
+i am so sick of being told not to give up. people who say that shit see life with rose colored glasses. they can't accept the reality that some people are just always unlucky and life won't get better for them no matter how much they try.,Depression
+"it feels like i can never be happy, no matter what i do. i'd love to be the kind of person that could just be well-adjusted and easy-going, but i always feel out of place in the world. it's exhausting when just being alive is so difficult.",Depression
+"that's really it, i feel like i'm always taking one step forward and five steps back towards being happy. something good will happen and then out of nowhere i'll just have an awful week. and normally i can deal with that, i'm numb, but lately there's just been a whole lot of bad a not a lot of good.",Depression
+"open letter to depression: get fucked. i am going to the gym in spite of you, and you can go fuck yourself. you are a part of me and i accept you but you will not run my life. love, kitroot",Depression
+"Used to keep it cool Used to be a fool 
+
+All about the bounce in my step
+
+Watch it on the news
+
+Watchya gonna do
+
+I could hit refresh and forget
+
+Used to keep it cool
+
+*epic trumpet noises*",Normal
+"Well, haven't mat a girl like this in a while I asked her what Task Force 141 was and she replied with the voice actor of Captain Price. Thats a definite bruh girl",Normal
+My girlfriend just left me👍👍👍👍👍😁😁😁😁😁 I don't want to live anymore,Normal
+"Some people really don't want an anthro gf I'm accepting when it comes to peoples choice in partners, but only to a certain point. If you want a human gf you can kindly fuck off that shits disgusting.",Normal
+how to break up with someone who is very much in love with u? help,Normal
+"WHY ME Every time I send a message. Always in the back of my mind is “are you sure? What if people hate you for it?” I always try to put in a happy face to hide it. Every god damn time, I JUST WANT TO FIT IN AND HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS. IT’S BEEN SO HARD. I’VE EVEN BEEN REJECTED SEVEN TIMES WITHIN A THREE YEAR SPAN BECAUSE I WANT A GF BUT **NOOOO** I’M NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE OF MY DAMN AUTISM. I’M TOLD TO JUST GET OVER IT. YOU BE IN MY SHOES AND SEE HOW HARD IT IS. BUT WAIT, BE WITH ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS, I GOT TWO CLOSE ONES RIGHT NOW.",Normal
+"Simba’s an ungrateful lil bitch Sings an entire song about how he can’t wait to be king, then get all depressed and angry when someone bumps off the old one. Entitlement SMH",Normal
+"I will be completely honest, Binod binod binod binod binod binod",Normal
+"Anyone else not have any friends, but not really acknowledge it? It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t think about it even though it’s super depressing.",Normal
+Disgusting and Suspicious Tea Today my dad had me and my little sister’s drink a disgusting and suspicious tea he made. The tea was horrible and my sister’s hated it my dad was delusional thinking it would help defend or fight against the virus but I think it was stupid. So I tried my best to chug the tea without spitting it out. My mouth tried to reject it but I forced it down my throat. I hope that my dad won’t make next time but I know that he’ll make us drink it again and I don’t want too.,Normal
+"Bruh I’m really annoyed rn I worked 7 almost 8 hours last night, constantly walking around with little breaks. Get home at 3am, and woken up at 6am to do a 5k race
+
+Like bruh my ankle is sore when I put pressure on it, and I don’t wanna hurt it cause I have cross country practice all week. I’m really annoyed rn",Normal
+"I finally figured out the Tiktok algorithm I finally got it. this is how you become famous.
+[I Studied The TikTok Algorithm So You Don’t Have To...](https://youtu.be/pnwvzjZayt8)",Normal
+"I made a game!! Alright so I go to a college (UK college not university for you US people) and I do game design! we just finished our first project and it would mean a lot to me if you could check it out, maybe even try and get on the leaderboard (it's global!)
+
+(it's literally about a bird flying away from penguins, i saw it on a meme lmao)
+
+pls pls pls check it out and comment feedback! It's not bug free or anything and I'm pretty sure a lot of people here could hack it easily so please dont :p
+
+its also not done yet but its sort of near there heh
+
+[well here's the link and thank you for reading this, it runs off of the website or you can download it on windows](https://zylonity.itch.io/penguins-gon-fly)",Normal
+Pro gamer tip The USB stick always goes in with the holes pointing upwards.,Normal
+Who wanna speak aboot stuff I am very into discussing anything I don’t care what. You can dm me or I can dm you idk,Normal
+Ich hab dicke lippen ich hab ich hab dicke lippen Ich hab dicke lippen und sie blasen,Normal
+Someone to snap to I’m alone and i need someone to snap back and towards for an hour or so,Normal
+"Bro why you lil boys arguing about Trump and Biden 🧐🧐🧐 Like bitch ass bozo the clown looking ass 🤡
+
+Bro just vote for me 🥴🥶🤬👌🔥🤑🥵💯🐍",Normal
+"Almost there Almost at 70 subs pls help
+
+https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt2HAQ329RfgKUGR4U9N_mQ",Normal
+how do people with no legs pee how do they get up there??,Normal
+"I need y'alls help So my bedroom has two windows, and when its windy both make loud rattling noises, I call then my window demons. So one is named phil, but I need help naming the other demon, pls help",Normal
+Your extremely horny but also need to poop. You only have time to do one and then you will go on a 5 hour car ride. Do you poop is jerk?,Normal
+"Couldn't Aang from Avatar just have kids? (spoiler) I just finished watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, and I was thinking. the series ends with Aang and Katara making out as a grand and great finale. But, if Aang and Katara had children, and Aang had the dominant airbending gene, more airbenders or air nomads would be born. He alone could repopulate the whole of his peoples.",Normal
+"I need to settle an argument, can you guys fill out these 2 questions? [https://forms.gle/GrsHVYYtijwAwVcp8](https://forms.gle/GrsHVYYtijwAwVcp8)",Normal
+God I miss my girlfriend Stupid fucking maga grandma getting covid and fucking everything up,Normal
+"you get used to being lonely untill you realize you're lonely then you're actually lonely and not cool with it
+
+5head",Normal
+"This Is My Final Goodbye Well, more like my first hello and last goodbye all in one, because I’ve never posted on this subreddit until now. 
+I’ll only be a teenager for a few more hours, then I’m banished to adulthood so I can grow into an elder and eventually cease all together. 
+It was fun while it lasted, I’ll see you dudes on the other side.",Normal
+"Has anyone ever read something in their head with a British accent? Just curious cause I have multiple times, unintentionally.",Normal
+The assignment was about 20 minutes late but I finished my homework yay,Normal
+"Your a thief Cause you stole my heart, and also my wallet. I'm calling the police.",Normal
+My life is a disappointment😔 All I can do is play ball foot game and lift very heavy things 😭😭😭,Normal
+person above is a loser fillerfillerfillerfiller,Normal
+"Does anyone need to talk I feel like playing therapist right now and I want to help people, so hmu if you need it",Normal
+"Petition to rename 69 to Yin-Yang? I’m being serious, someone should make a petition to rename it to Yin-Yang!",Normal
+"i used to hold hands with a guy at school *as a joke lol i definitely didn't enjoy that in another way*
+
+but anyway he doesn't talk to me anymore :3
+
+no one does",Normal
+"Anyone else feel like a fucking pervert after a wet dream? I hate wet dreams so much. They make me feel like a rapist cus it was my imagination that imagined her and had sex with her in the dream world and she doesnt actually concent. 
+
+I once had a dream of fucking my best friend, shes a girl. And I felt so bad that i told her and apologised. Kinda cringy tbh but it felt so sick to have cummed to an imaginary image of fucking her.
+
+She was fine with it since we're very open with each other and she said i cant control it.
+
+Anyone else feel this way? Or am i just overthinking?",Normal
+"help with political leaders alright guys I need your help for an assignment, can anyone give me an example of a Political leader who made a wrong choice that cost them their lives or career, so far I've only come up with Nixon, Chairman Mao, and Hitler",Normal
+"Hair suggestions ? 15yr old guy, i want to change my hair but don’t know what to change to, suggestions?",Normal
+"TW: Mentions of serious topics like A*x*ety, S*lf h*rm, d*pr*ssion Do you ever feel that sense of guilt, but you didn't do anything? So then you thing ""screw it, I feel like i'm dying, might as well hurt myself"", so you do, and your neighbors who have a vacation house next to yours calls you and asks you what you are doing since they were bored and you weren't thinking so you gave him a small rant about how you feel regret for nothing and how you wanna regret something so it cancels out, and he says he couldn't understand half of what you said, so you say ""Oh thank god, you don't know what I regret"" and he keeps asking me what the regret is, and I give him small pokes to the right direction because I for some reason wasn't thinking right, with things like ""My mom knew and I told her I stopped, but I can't do that, it's too hard.""
+
+And then he asks you what you did, and you say ""Don't worry, it won't land me in the hospital unless I tried hard enough, and it only involves me. You don't need to know"" and then he gets all serious and says ""You should stop that."" really seriously. and that's when you know that he knows what you did so you joke about it being alright because you didn't go too deep, and he tells you ""At least stop it for me, and if not me, then your family"" and you freak out, because your neighbor, your CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND found out about something you had been doing from, like, 2 years ago to present date, you feel bad because he had no clue and you wanted it to stay that way, but he knows know, and you are seeing him again in a week, but you can't confront him because you're scared, which caused a panic attack and you didn't get any sleep because you were scared of having more in your sleep and you feel bad and don't know what to do anymore bc he probably hates you now.
+
+And this all happened YESTERDAY. nobody knows but me.",Normal
+you cherry chewing egg headed slimy piece of human gravel how is my insult 😎,Normal
+Having autism is kinda cool ngl It also kinda sucks ass but I don't feel like it sucks atm,Normal
+"Its been over a year and i cant move on Its been over a year since i dated this girl, and she was the only thing that made me happy. I was head over heels for her. I was with her for about 5 or 6 months, than she broke up with me... I tried dating other girls, and I just cant get over her, and it hurts so much. Help me.",Normal
+"My sister is being a real asshole to me (16 recently. My sister (22) is being a real asshole to me (16M) recently. I dont know if this is the right subreddit for this, but idk what else to do. She always acts like she is my parent and enforces so many rules on to me and always argues with me. Just yesterday, she kept arguing with me over small things, like when I was making tea she just had to start an argument that I wasnt allowed to use the sugar (And mind you I was just tired from school and couldn't handle anything else for the day). She turned this in to a full blown conversation where she started shouting and swearing at me because I was giving little response to her claims (I was allowed to make tea with sugar, so I just said I can make tea). 
+
+Then she blamed all this arguing on me never having a conversation with her or whatever. She told me I was not taking this relationship 'seriously enough' and I responded that she was taking it 'too serious'. She might have been right about the conversation thing, but honestly, I think I dont like to talk a lot after school since I'm just tired and I am a teen and an introvert, while she has the exact opposite personality as me. So, I always answer any of her questions like what was you test like with it was good, or what did you do at school with the lessons I did that day. She says that I am the problem, even though I think she's trying to be way too involved in my life and always starts arguments with me. After she snapped yesterday, she started tatteltaling to my mom, everything I do. Which was impossible to deal with since I was trying to study for a test I have the next day (today). This ended in me going to sleep early, but before I went to sleep, she told me that I have to come to her tommorrow with a written statement or some dumb shit like that on what I will do 'to improve this relationship'. So that is where I'm at. I'm tired of her always being like this, but I dont know what to do. I feel like she should change, but when I told this to her, she was shocked that I hadn't noticed her change 'saying that she always used to tattletale and argue with me' but now she doesn't. I was just as shocked when she told me this, I feel like she hasn't changed one bit. 
+
+Anyways, now I have to come to her with a written statement on what I should do tonight, which is where I need your guys help. I've never confessed anything like this before, but I don't know what to do.
+
+TL;DR: My sister is being a real asshole, and now I need to come to her with a statement on what I should do to improve our relationship. Please help. Idk what to write or do
+
+Edit: I probably won't be able to reply in a while cause I have class starting soon. And I'll probably delete this post tommorrow",Normal
+"Do you ever question your friendships? Looking back at my old friendships, the only reason (with most of my friendships, not all) I was friends with someone was because I had no other friends. We didn't have much in common with each other. We almost never hung out after school.
+
+I've been thinking if this is also the case with my current friendships. I have two friends and they are good people and I like them but we don't do anything outside of school. Of course it's covid time now but we don't even really text. Only sometimes.",Normal
+Does anyone else pin their video on Zoom cause you’re too self conscious and need to see yourself? Sometimes I’ll do it to fix my hair and make sure I’m not slouching over in my chair lmao,Normal
+"I have given up hope on getting a gf or bf and just want to give up on life. I really want someone to hold me tight and cuddle me but I have social anxiety and so I'm scared of doing things like starting convos and do anything really with other people. I don't even know anyone I could have a chance with. I'm screwed. 
+
+Idk what to do i just wanna give up and cry. Except I can't get myself to cry from anything but pain and so I have all this emotion to let out and i just want to give up and waste away. Idk why I'm even posting but I am.",Normal
+I need items for Pokémon go this is emergency distress signal i would not post if I had any other option friend code is 6610 6456 6480 I am this desperate I already posted on the Pokémon go friend subreddit and i am still low on items please answer this call for help.,Normal
+"Hey girl, are you, you? Because I love you for the way you are and there's nothing I'd change",Normal
+i'm confused with my sexuality i can't see the difference between bisexual and gay now but i'm so lost between them. i'm sqeezing through them. *maybe...i am gay*,Normal
+"my mom told me that she is going to die relatively soon My mom is already in her late 50’s.
+
+This morning she told me she doesn’t have much time left and wants me to be more independent so she can do what she wants to better. That is great for her and all, but the doesn’t have much time left bit bugs me a lot.
+I feel nervous, anxious and cant stop thinking about it.
+
+What should i do about these thoughts?",Normal
+"Who is interested in co founding a cult about goose? we will become the most powerful reign
+
+our name and reference will be so reputable, karmawhores will spam it to trashy memes
+
+dm me i will make a reddit groupchat",Normal
+"I kinda want to start streaming on twitch but scared to talk pretty much the title. I've been kind of dreaming about playing games to an audience but I have literally no idea what to say. Also my mom sleeps in the room next to mine and don't really want to bother her about it :l
+
+Just getting that off my chest for some reason",Normal
+"i keep seeing ""acab"" spray painted on EVERYTHING and im not even in america and i mean, my countrys police force is still pretty shit ngl, but its not *that* bad
+
+and smh my aunt's a cop, so stop smfh",Normal
+"the big dick curse the only curse i don't have, anyone got the enchantment for it?",Normal
+"Massive rant about a nice guy and the most awkward guy I knew This happened around January to March (When quaratine started). Let me set the scene, I'm a 16 year old girl, but I look like I'm 12 becuase I'm 4'11 (about 150 cms), I have some close friends, but not many.
+
+I had known this kid in my history class for a while, he's your stereotypical dorky kid, a little awkward, but probably just a phase. He's also rather short (around 5'2 I think), he's also a freshman and 15 years old. Fast forward to January when I catch feelings for this boy (Probably since he gave me any kind of positive attention without blowing off my rude exterior). 
+
+I tell my friends, and they want to meet him. I invited him to my friend group, where he ended up getting along extremely well. We all thought this would be a one time thing, however he keeps showing up; We don't really care, we just wonder where his friend group is. One day I'm texting him and this question pops up, he tells me he isn't that close to his friend group, and that's why he's with us. I don't think much of it, since he was kinda awkward and more feminine than other guys. I want him to play this game I really like, which he barely plays any of, and he tells me it's cause he's busy. (I realized he was lying and just didn't like the genre of the game, but I kept quiet)
+
+Fast forward a few weeks, I'm hanging out with one of my other friends at the mall, getting ready to go to her house to play video games. I get a text from my crush, she asks me what I want from this. I tell her I don't really care when he finds out, I'm just too scared to say so myself. (I'm someone who gets over crushes very easily once I've been rejected, then I get another crush months to a year later) She and I decide that it would be better for her to just tell him I like him, because I want to be able to get over this as soon as possible.
+
+Next week he's texting me every day, sometimes kinda creepy good morning texts, same time every day. Next thing I know he's also completed the game I asked him to play in a weekend. I ask him what he thought about it, exticed to have someone to talk about it to. I then quickly realize talking to him, he took the most minimal route to beat the game, missing out on more than half the game. I asked him why he would take the shortest way. He then turns on me to say that he took out a massive chunk of his weekend for this, and how stressed he felt from all his work, and that it was my fault he was feeling like that. 
+
+It didn't take me long after to realize why he played the game, he didn't have a change of heart, he just wanted me to like him more. I soon then learn why he isn't connected to his friend group that much. He tells me, ""even though I help people with their problems, right after they ditch me"". By this point I'd realized, he's a nice guy. Somehow it got worse, between this revelation he'd told my other friend that he'd caught feelings for me, only after learning I might be into him. He also told her that the other reason he liked me, was becuase I was one of the few people shorter than him.
+
+I end up trying to appear like I'm not into him, when I'm around my friend group, I talk about which video game characters I think are the cutest/hottest, which girls in the school I think are cute (I'm bi if you couldn't guess). One day, I'm feeling sick so I stay home and go to sleep earlier. I wake up in the morning to him confessing his feelings to me and annoyingly asking why I hadn't responded. I end up telling him that I'm just not into him, not telling him the anymore part of it. 
+
+My friend group expect him to end up leaving, since I had rejected  him. Nope. He then got a crush on one of my friends becuase he saw her as ""easier"", she's not outspoken in any situation and comes off as very soft to people who don't know her that well. She wasn't into him because of how quickly he jumped ship from me to her. At this point he then starts to insert himself into any situation he can.
+
+When my friends all planned to hang out and play Don't Starve Together, he asked to go along. We all said yes to not hurt his feelings, when we do meet up, all he does is play music and games on his phone. When we got bored of the game, me and him then played Pokemon Showdown together, I end up sweeping the floor with him multiple times. Rather than making a joke or anything, he then claims he kept on miss clicking, and had bad luck.
+
+Eventually, he tells my friend he like her, she rejects him, only to still hang around us for no apparent reason. At this point we've all realized he's only tried to get along with all of us to get in me and my friend's pants. We try to distance ourselves from him by only talking about stuff he can't butt into. It doesnt work. He finally picked up on it when we started to take refuge in a classroom, after we told him that he might be along better with people in his grade.
+
+Tl:dr don't do stuff for a girl to get her to like you or becuase she likes you, we all know immediately",Normal
+"Writing any and all papers for a small fee I’m a recent college grad, who graduated with a 3.8GPA. I will be getting laid off shortly due to the winter weather approaching. I went into college as an English major, but didn’t come out one. Now in my free time I am looking to make some extra money while I am out of work. All work will be original with 0 plagiarism. I am willing to write papers, or do projects for pretty much any class. PM me if this is something you would be interested in, and please keep me in your mind for the future. Mods if this is against the rules feel free to take it down. Look forward to hearing from some of you.",Normal
+I saw this video about how like nobody really wants to adopt teenagers. And it made me think like if I did ever want to adopt I'd rather adopt a teen than a little kid. But then I thought like I'm almost 21 and I'm into dating younger guys that shit would be funny if my son is like 16 and my boyfriend 18,Normal
+I was on a 28 kill streak today !!! Too bad the cops caught me,Normal
+"Every single key on a keyboard Not on Shift: 1234567890--=qwertyuiop\[\]\\asdfghjkl;'zxcvbnm,./
+
+On Shift: !@#$%\^&\*()\_+QWERTYUIOP{}|ASDFGHJKL:""ZXCVBNM<>?",Normal
+"Is it just me? Or is it almost impossible to jerk off to “normal” porn? Shit’s always got me laughing instead, cause of the bad acting and how unrealistic it is. Pictures are the way to go in my opinion.",Normal
+"Tips to pulling an all-nighter I know y’all like staying up all night. It’s fun. You get to play video games and stuff. So from a person who’s had some experience, here’s some advice. 
+1. Never look at the time. If you look at the time and you see it’s later than you normally stay up, your body will get pretty tired. 
+2. Always have food or drink to give you energy. That’s the nature of food. It gives you energy.  Do NOT drink energy drinks  or caffeine unless it’s the tail-end of your all nighter. They will make you tired after they wear off. I’d recommend things like water or protein shakes to drink instead. 
+3. Have something to distract you from your tiredness. You’re gonna be tired, but if you distract yourself, you won’t notice. Watching action movies or playing video games are some things you can do. If you’re studying for a test or doing homework, have music that will keep you awake. 
+4. Don’t try too hard. Effort makes you tired. Just chill and act like this is your standard routine. 
+And with that are my four tips. Feel free to criticize them or add your own in the comments.",Normal
+"WHY IS MY APPLE JUICE BUBBLY BRO I JUST WANNA DRINK APPLE JUICE
+
+WHY DOES IT HAVE BUBBLES???????
+
+the one reason I don’t drink soda is because the bubbles. it hurts my tongue. why is it in my apple juice",Normal
+"In the us we have a Conservative party, and a fascist party Yeah we have 3rd parties but they might as well not exist 
+
+The Republican Party is a lost cause and should be dissolved, and the Democratic Party is what the Republican Party was like 20 years ago",Normal
+"Why does Reddit hate furries? They are just people wearing costumes??
+
+Like imagine wearing a spiderman or garfield costume and then someone comes up to you and says ""oh hey, you can't wear that, I saw that characters peen get sucked on the internet"".",Normal
+"I wish he would ask me out. I’ve liked this guy I’m friends with for months and god, I wish he would just ask me out. He’s so nice and my perfect teenage dream, I’ve never crushed so hard on someone in my life. He doesn’t use his phone much and I always feel like we’re drifting, but then he finally looks at his phone and I’m roped right back in. I’m always scared I’m being clingy but I can’t tell if he likes me, and I get so excited just by talking to him.",Normal
+"I HAVE DISCOVERED MY SUPERPOWER Just now, I literally stopped my hiccups by just thinking about it in my head. Logically, the next step comrades, is WORLD DOMINATION.",Normal
+Who likes cheese A couple of my friends and i were chatting and i brought up that i like to eat plain cheese but some of my friends said that it was weird. So now im trying to figure out who is weird so please leave if you eat plain cheese(not on pizza or smthn just like shreaded cheese in a bowl) and what kind of cheese,Normal
+"I don't usually post but I just wanted to tell you guys that I mow have 1975 memes saved on my phone and I am just 15 away from 2000. Idk if this is a big achievement to you guys but I'm pretty proud. That all.
+
+
+
+
+Love you guys <3",Normal
+Are you broccoli? Because you're a piece of shit and I hate you.,Normal
+Anyone not wanna chat? Yh same i wanna be lonely,Normal
+Day 144 Of Asking How Everyone Is Doing Filler filler filler lonely filler filler filler,Normal
+Male snoo come home Please i miss u,Normal
+I don’t get why people hype up losing your virginity so much Nothing really changes it’s not like you have a counter on your head that says you had sex once. So what am tryna say is take you time my peoples ain’t no reason no try lose it as soon as possible.,Normal
+"omg I actually am almost done with my college app. this is actually happening. im actually applying to college. this is actually happening.
+
+omfg im having a 1/5th life crisis. 
+
+i can't adult. nooooooooo",Normal
+"Hiya. I'm having a mental breakdown in my room, drinking and it's currently 4 am. Honestly, I don't think life is worth living anymore. My pet is dying. I got harassed and limited online by grown adults. I'm currently waiting to get trauma therapy for some stuff that happened in my past. I barely have any friends. Life is shit. I hope y'all are okay though. I need help.",Normal
+"Hey fellow teens, what's the most nostalgic underground YouTuber from your childhood? Preferably youtubers with more than 10k subs",Normal
+A guy in my sixth grade class convinced me that “jacking off” was just rubbing your jaw muscles to relieve stress So I was in 6th grade at the time fresh out of elementary school and I still didn’t like hearing swearing at that time. So anyway my dumbass became friends with this guy in band class who was basically the definition of a trying to be edgy and tough kid. He and a few of his other friends thought that it would be funny to convince me that jacking off was rubbing you jaw muscles to relieve stress. He was t lying about all of it though it’s just rubbing in a different place to relieve stress that I found out about a year later. So they would say stuff like my dad jacks off after a long day of work or I love jacking off during school. Completely went over my head about what it really meant.  It wasn’t until my best friend Matthew told me that it wasn’t really just rubbing your face that I previously thought and he didn’t tell me what it really was for my sake. Anyway they kept trying to convince me that rubbing your face was just jacking off until eventually they got bored of that when I would just call them out on them lying.,Normal
+A girl likes me!! A girl told me she likes me and then kissed me! I like her to so im gonna ask her out tonight!!,Normal
+My opinion In this article I will be telling you why it’s more gay to get fucked a guy in the ass then to get fucked in the ass,Normal
+My whole school just got rick rolled We had our community meeting video to watch and they played Never Gonna Give You Up. Hats off to the people editing the video. They got us all.,Normal
+"I am once again asking for your help original post: 
+https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/kvup88/anyone_been_able_to_date_their_crush_can_you/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf 
+
+A Shitty update: I started to walk 40 min before her, and when she came outside, I got too scared to talk to her to as a small step at a time starting with asking to talk to her.",Normal
+"All lives can't matter until black lives matter. All lives can't matter until black lives matter.
+
+BLM",Normal
+"Is it weird that: I simp for some girls older than me, at my school there are 3 girls, they are like 16/17 i think, they are in a class higher than me. But damn they are hot, theres one i really simp for. Shes cute and all but no way that i will ever start something.",Normal
+"Hey yall, its so weird but i feel like this entire subreddit are my friends, who i can talk to, vent to, jike around with and have fun with. havin all of yall is amazing and im so glad this sub exists despite it's flaws. With all of that out of the way, i just wanted to ask; How is y'alls day going?",Normal
+"I've got PTSD an I cant handle it I cant concentrate, I'm jumpy af, flashbacks, haven't slept properly for months and I get panic attacks 
+
+It hadn't susbsided at all with time and ppl dont understand how peak it can be.
+
+So many things can trigger it but few things can calm me down.",Normal
+Coming out to people by posting another mods gay joke while being a mod is top tier genius Please someone do this I spent all of 2 minutes thinking of this,Normal
+whos ur favorite mlp character i like rainbow dash she’s the coolest on the show,Normal
+What does it tell you about a girl if her profile pic is of her flipping off the camera with her tongue out? What would you assume about her based upon this? Would you assume anything at all? How would you feel in regards to this?,Normal
+"Is it bad to list a previous job but not a reference? So, I worked at a summer camp over the summer and it was great and all but I never asked if I could use my boss as a reference, a friend of mine had, and he said yes but I didn’t, so now here I am filling out an application to Taco Bell contemplating whether I should contact him to see if he would mind being a reference, list no references, or list him anyway (seems like the worse option.) will they even care either way? What should I do?",Normal
+"Time to cancel ABC I guess ​
+
+https://preview.redd.it/28eg8bul22m61.png?width=978&format=png&auto=webp&s=7c2c5eeab291a5ed07d5f1d2cb524d84f67a2d2f",Normal
+"dear boys, do you prefer confident girls or girls that don't know how beautiful they are? confident meaning secure, independent, and free. (not pretentious)
+
+​
+
+dear girls, this shouldn't affect confidence or self-worth. (ur a bad b)",Normal
+"You like the falcons and the confederate flag? You must really like losing to patriots.
+
+#traitor",Normal
+Let’s all meet up and commit crimes😎 Seriously I’m bored let’s go,Normal
+"My bae and I have are first valintines day today ! I’m so excited we are long distance atm so I am going to call her and tell her how much I love her and if she seeing this post , u/Ok_sand9050 I love you so so much and Mia I hope you have an amazing day because you brighten mine",Normal
+"Keep hurting me , it's fine I'm fine it's OKAY, you aren't the first one to hurt me you aren't special I'm sorry :3 Sorry :3",Normal
+Help please So basically there’s this girl I really like and I think that she’s started liking me as well recently but I have really bad social anxiety and her mum and my mum are good friends so her mum invited us over tonight. I’m fucking shitting myself. Should I stay or should I go? I really like her but I think I’ll just be really awkward and it will be embarrassing I think. Any help would be appreciated,Normal
+i'm tempted to stealing one of my brother's cigarretes nothing helps anymore so why not give it a shot,Normal
+"What happened to all the old allie deberry pictures (the ones from the early 2010s) the girl who played paisley from ant farm
+
+where are they
+
+where there a lot of them",Normal
+"Survey time! Hey, it would be fantastic if you could help me out with a school project by filling out this survey on drug use.
+
+[https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfFGwn7vH9a6tCb\_IM4bU1YT0wpyp\_xrwwFgDHKfJiFtki6iw/viewform?usp=sf\_link](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfFGwn7vH9a6tCb_IM4bU1YT0wpyp_xrwwFgDHKfJiFtki6iw/viewform?usp=sf_link)",Normal
+"how do i acquire fr esH bepos? like i wanna drinque some fr esH bepos but i can't know how to get.
+
+pleas help me can get fre sH bepos.",Normal
+"I could easily beat a goose in a fight Ok, so recently I saw the vine with the girl saying, “Look at all those chickens!” That led me to some videos of people encountering geese and running away when the demonstrated aggression. Some of the scared people were kids, which I get, but an adult!! Running away from a goose. 
+
+I’m not the most physically strong or trained in any martial art, but I could easily beat the shit out of a goose if it came at me. It has nothing to attack me with, besides a bite with its bill, and they don’t even have sharp teeth that could puncture my skin. Geese aren’t that smart either, often times they just rush their target head on, without considering their inferior fighting capabilities. Most humans have long enough arms to reach out and stop a goose before they even get into biting range. Geese also have a major disadvantage because of their long necks, which are easy to grab with your hands. The final nail in the coffin in my opinion is that many of the geese I saw didn’t even use their greatest advantage over us, flight. 
+
+TLDR: Geese are dumb, and I could probably beat one in a one v one fight so you could too. Have no fear of these silly waterfowl, for you are the superior predator.",Normal
+Uhhhhh .. help ?? Guys I think someone just snapped a pic of me from my window like I saw the flash and now I’m terrified,Normal
+"Real question for girls. This is gross but, how do you deal with swallowing after giving a blowjob. I hear it's the worst tasting thing ever, but in experience girls still swallow.",Normal
+Holy damn my mom must think she’s hilarious She just said that I can’t be bothered to ever be off of my device. Bold speech when she doesn’t even stop blasting Facebook max volume when she tells me to practice my piano for the third time that day.,Normal
+"Plz reccomend me some indie rock songs I've been listening to Mother Mother songs, but they're getting burnt out",Normal
+"I need some advice, help and luck ASAP I'm at school rn and I'm supposed to turn in a project TODAY the thing is my dog chewed it up, I threw it away and don't know what to do. Should I just tell my teacher ""My dog ate it""? It sounds fake as hell and I don't think they'll believe me
+
+Edit: going to tell them wish me luck
+
+Edit 2: Got an extension for it to redo the thing!",Normal
+"You can put any scientific name before -osexual and it sounds real Eg: Ursasosexual, bear sexual; 
+delphiniosexual, dolphin sexual 
+
+They do sound real tho innit",Normal
+Ulysses.s.grant be like “Burn them in holy hell fire.,Normal
+if ur white don't insert urself in any conversation. don't talk. no one's listening anyways. no one wants to hear your mayonnaise and mozzarella cheese coated tongue speak,Normal
+"Hello there My name Ragnikant Babu From Indian numba 1, plz send me bob and vagene, I only have 4 das to liv if I no get Bob i di      Thanks",Normal
+ayo anyone want to talk M16 comment or dm I don't care which one,Normal
+Can someone that’s like not dumb but not too smart please explain what the FUCK “all real numbers” means when talking about domain and range? I’m a big dumb and I don’t understand. My teacher and classmates are really smart and when they try to explain it I just get more confused. I’m not a math person.,Normal
+"Is fear the most valuable item? Not just for combat against another, or control over many anothers... but for control over oneself? For without fear, we may lack the reason to avoid sadness, conflict, pain,and misery. Perhaps self-inducted fear can be beneficial up to a terrible point?",Normal
+Honestly what is so bad about cussing It’s just a way to express your emotions in more of a emphasized nature,Normal
+"You’re probably not doing it for attention I struggled with this for a while, deciding that anything that I did was for attention. heads up, if you don’t tell anyone, you aren’t doing it for attention. I didn’t realize that until my therapist told me, it sounds so obvious but it really got me down. That’s all, remember you are loved.",Normal
+"I know how to play the piano, what should I learn to play next? Accustic guitar (original, I know)
+
+Electric guitar (for some rockin' out)
+
+Harmonica (for peak annoyance and portability)
+
+Triangle (cause I have no time to learn another instrument)",Normal
+C'MON TODAY IS THE DAY EVERYONE SEARCH NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP,Normal
+"Posting everyday until I get a girlfriend day 167  Day 100: Im hereby celebrating he 1344th aniversary of the death of Pope Adeudatus 2. on day 100.
+
+Day 101: I like wood
+
+Day 102: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisici elit, sed eiusmod tempor incidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. 
+
+Day 103: 1 (one)
+
+Day 104: 1000 (one thousand)
+
+Day 105: 1 000 000 (one million)
+
+Day 106: 1 000 000 000 (one billion)
+
+Day 107: 1 000 000 000 000 (one trillion)
+
+Day 108: 1 000 000 000 000 000 (one quadrillion)
+
+Day 109: 10^18 (one quintillion)
+
+Day 110: 10^21 (one sextillion haha ""sex""), how did I do this? Today I first walked 10km (600m up), and then bicycled about 10km. I usually struggle with both.
+
+Day 111:  10^24 (one septillion)
+
+Day 112: 10^27 (one octillion)
+
+Day 113: 10^30 (one nonillion)
+
+Day 114: (2020-07-01)I love apache attack helicopters. They are so cute
+
+Day 115: 1234567890
+
+Day 116: Twjgwuwv2iqheiqn2i3beruwk2guehei1kwgwiq
+
+Day 117: there is a piece of dead fly on the wall above my bed for more than 5 years now.
+
+Day 118: A screw fell out of my chair, should I be worried?
+
+Day 119: I want to provoke someone so badly rn...
+
+Day 120: qwertzuiopüasdfghjklöäyxcvbnm
+
+Day 121: Fuck magic eye bot
+
+Day 122: my leg hurts
+
+Say 123: my leg still hurts
+
+Day 124: I need an electric shock rn.
+
+Day 125: 10
+
+Day 126: 9
+
+Day 127: 8
+
+Day 128: 7
+
+Day 129: 6
+
+Day 130: 5
+
+Day 131: 4
+
+Day 132: 3
+
+Day 133: 2
+
+Day 134: 1
+
+Day 135: absoloutly nothing happens after the countdown.
+
+Day 136: 10
+
+Day 137: 9
+
+Day 138: 8
+
+Day 139: Nothing
+
+Day 140: 6
+
+Day 141: 5
+
+Day 142: 4
+
+Day 143: 3
+
+Day 144: 2
+
+Day 145: (2020-08-01)should I start a random austria fact post series?
+
+Day 146: fzzr5jhgt5t3ejänpüjgugzuijgfuhd6ojgz
+
+Day 147: I think I want to change my bedding every day. ITS FUCKING AMAZING, WHY DO I JUST CHANGE IT EVERY 30 DAYS? I WANT THIS FEELING EVERYDAY.
+
+Day 148: I like cats. Cats are cute.
+
+Day 149: im hungry but too tired to get up.
+
+Day 150: I like trains.
+
+Day 151: I like planes.
+
+Day 152: today I witnessed someone getting pulled out of a 30m deep canyon by helicopter.
+
+Day 153: today I yeeted myself of a waterfall.
+
+Day 154: i want to found my own country.
+
+Day 155: I want to yeet myself off a waterfall again :(
+
+Day 156: E
+
+Day 157: A
+
+Day 158: the spanish inquisition
+
+Day 159: S
+
+Day 160: P
+
+Day 161: O
+
+Day 162: R
+
+Day 163: T
+
+Day 164: S
+
+Day 165: is a scam, dont buy.
+
+Day 166: buy minecraft instead.
+
+Day 167: thinking about erections in public is worse than the problem of having an erection in public.",Normal
+I want some tight bussy rn but *sad underage noises*,Normal
+So I'm in the middle of class... I gotta J.o. I haven't in a week because I've been depressed.,Normal
+"There were a lot of moms protesting quarintine in my area This was at the start of quarintine like 20 years ago
+They all were like “open school!” 
+They didnt do it for their kids grades or anything
+They were clearly doing it cause thry hate their kids and are annoyed withem
+Most protesters had teenagers
+The reason you want them in school is not because of grades but BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT
+You clearly raised them poorly if you hate them in the first two weeks",Normal
+day 2 of telling yall to have a great day/night have a great day/night fellow teens!,Normal
+"one of my memes could blow up just kidding
+
+^unless 😳",Normal
+"it’s all fun and games till she pulls out the lemon car ya’ll beware, can’t trust girls nowadays apparently.😔😤",Normal
+Pls can someone help me msg someone to check if they blocked me plss FillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFillerFiller,Normal
+"I have a few things to say today SMU -6.5 vs Tulane
+BYU -5.5 vs Houston
+Astros vs Rays u8
+
+That is all, have a great day",Normal
+"Someone recently told me that I was 'motherly.' It made me so happy. No one has ever told me that before. 
+
+It was a bit odd, but I could tell they met it in a really positive way :)",Normal
+"my judgement has finally come... according to r/teenamiugly, i am...
+
+wait for it...
+
+..........
+
+""kinda ugly""
+
+and thats just my face so yeah",Normal
+"Why are guys here so nervous to talk to girls I’m a girl and I don't understand why you guys are so awkward, we don't bite! (Most of the time)I’d love to make a new friend!",Normal
+"My fictional character is an obese, pale 18 year old smoker that lives in a commie bloc and watches videos on his laptop 24/7 and he’s hot for some reason. That’s all. 
+
+ahh depression and eating disorders, how....enticing",Normal
+"Finally understanding the feeling of ""she deserves so much better"" So there is this girl in my freshman class, and we have advisory together(just a half hour where we don't rlly do anything but talk) she's super cute and fun to talk to, and while writing this I'm getting texts from her, but there are some things holding me back. 1. She does have a current bf, which I don't wanna ruin that. I'd at least she break up with him before I rlly start trying to go for a relationship. 2. She's rlly cool, (I wouldn't say trendy but maybe a little) and my parents are hard-core fucking Christians, so if they saw her insta, or what she wears on occasion they might flip and I rlly don't want to drag her through either baratement from my parents or wearing something she doesn't want to. Her parents are also divorced which they rlly would think is wack. 3. I'm a complete asshole who plays videogames. She doesn't rlly play any, which is fine that doesn't bother me, but I just know that she deserves so much better than what I have to offer. I'm not rlly the nicest person to be around(partly due to my self hatred and suicidal thoughts, which again I don't want to drag her through) and I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to being a good bf. With my last gf, it ended after a month bc we had gotten into an argument because she thought I was shunning her at school. I wasn't, I just didn't know how to act when I saw her in the halls. It made me feel like shut, and made me realize I don't know what tf I'm actually doing. This girl though, is so amazing in every way, but just deserves so much better than me. 
+
+
+It's kinda funny, I've seen posts like this a few months before I started being all dark and shit, but never rlly understood them and thought it sounded like someone just wanting a pitty party. Now I kinda understand what they were going through. Damn it sucks",Normal
+"get out of my head please yeah, you, please get out and dont forget your jacket. close the door behind you, thanks",Normal
+Just realized majority of my friends are at school friends which kinda sucks balls rn. Is anyone trying to be homies? I’m a 15 girl btw going into sophomore year and once we shifted to online school I realized I really don’t have that many (5-10) not just friends in school. Some of those 5ish I’m barely close with and loneliness is kinda biting me in the ass. So is anyone just trying to vibe and be homies. Need some more friends rn.,Normal
+"Share this Things to do:
+
+• Spam social media for Aquaman 2 and l'Oréal and demand they drop domestic abuser Amber Heard
+
+• Demand domestic abuser Amber Heard be dropped from UN Human Rights Office's Stand Up campaign.
+
+• Spam the ACLU to have domestic abuser Amber Heard dropped as an Ambassador for women's rights
+
+• Share this comment
+
+Credit to u/ion_mighty for original comment",Normal
+Guys I did it I caught the light turning off when I closed the fridge!,Normal
+"My GFs dad likes me a lot so that's really good We kinda got off on good grounds, hes worked at and owned car dealerships, and I like cars.
+
+Also he likes green day and so do I.
+
+Turns out its the same thing for penguins 
+
+And we have a shared irrational affinity for the Pontiac Fiero.
+
+And apparently he said that when he starts up his new dealership (apparently hes working on buying a dealership or something like that, cause he currently works at a dealership on the other side of the state) that I'll basically be allowed to get any job I'm qualified for, assuming me and my GF are still dating
+
+He's also just a cool guy and nice to talk to, which isnt what you expect from your GFs dad",Normal
+The first step to world peace is agreeing on a date format. What is it? DD/MM/YY? MM/DD/YY? M/D/YY?,Normal
+words that start with s in one minute sex sad star sad spy sat sun sword swore sort swear stark spark spaz spun spin spin sadden salamander summer singer single singe stir surge swim swimming,Normal
+"Posting on r/teenagers everyday until I forget to post or get to the 69th day, day 9 Only 60 more days to go before I reach day 69",Normal
+I lost my earbuds sad moment,Normal
+"This is weird Lately i have been acting really weird in social situations, especially in schools. Every time i talk to someone I am not that comfortable talking to i fumble and get out of breath easly while talking, this happens when i am talking  with a teacher or just with someone I don't talk to that much. Simular thing happens when I am doing stuff in front of other people, i i get called to read something i just get out of breath easly reading that, and if i get called to do a math/physics problem on the board i just completely forget everything and everything about that subject. The biggest problem is that i don't know if it is noticable to other people, because to me it is REALLY obvious. What could this be, is there some kind of problem with me, what should i do",Normal
+"usd coin is a cryptocurrency with a 1 to 1 exchange rate with the us dollar if you’re wondering why this exists it’s cuz the government can’t regulate usd coin. as far as the law is concerned usd coin is the same as anything else you own, so legally buying something with it might as well be trading candy bars that are worth exactly $1 for goods or services, the government doesn’t take 10% of ur candy bars cuz it ain’t money, and as far as their concerned no transaction happened cuz no usd was exchanged 
+
+tldr: it’s not taxed, and it has a fixed exchange rate with the us dollar, and therefore the value is effectively regulated by a government, so it’s stable",Normal
+"Random question about love I've heard so many things in life get over hyped (ie learning to cook. Highschool. Etc) so I've  had a legitimate  question
+
+Is cuddling really T H A T nice? I have heard so much aboyrt just. Cuddlibg with your s/o and how great it is and im legitimately curious",Normal
+Should I ask this girl out I’m in discord with her. Should I just yes or no.,Normal
+"Posting untill i post once I think i made it, if it wont get removed",Normal
+hey. can i get a pic of animal with a hat I dont remeber your u/ but I need one,Normal
+Bitch ass pussy fuck nigga Am I right fellow teens? Sometimes you just need to bitch ass pussy fuck nigga.,Normal
+"Please help me. I'm going nowhere in life and I don't want to live like this. This post may not be suitable for this sub, but I posted this on r/depression and r/suicidewatch, but got no comments and didn't show up in new, so I'm posting this in a psychology related subreddit.
+
+Note: this was copied and pasted from my journal i started writing today. English isn't my first language, so please understand some grammar mistakes. I live in an asian country with a education system that grades students relatively, and puts more pressure onto the kids. So it may be different from the us.
+
+
+A certain illness seems to have consumed me. Depression, anxiety.. I can't exactly describe what is eating me up from the inside, but I feel as if a parasite is slowly eating me alive.
+
+Today was a bad day. I feel a temporary sense of comfort whenever I say the phrase ""today was a bad day"" in my head. It feels like that all the terrible feelings I'm having is just caused by a bad day, and that tomorrow things will be better and everything will come back to place. But it isn't. All my days are bad days. Some are worse than the others.
+
+I had a bad stomachache while I was going to school, and the bus was crowded and everyone was loud. I hate school. I hate every aspect of it. The teachers standing near the entrance checking the kids' uniforms, the posters and screens displaying pretentious videos about college admission, the chairs that are too rigid to sit, the florescent lights that are too bright and cold, the constantly shifting schedule, the teachers who don't seem to care about the students yet talk about college admission all the time and pressure kids to choose a major and a future job and plan out their whole career at 16. The kids that are too loud. Everyone is too loud. Everything is too loud.
+
+Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be reincarnated into another person's body without my memory fully wiped. I feel like I'm living in another person's body. The only time I can feel truly myself is on the internet. I started a discord server a few days ago. Everyone was great, yet I felt miserable. I felt as if I was tricking them into thinking I was a smart and funny person. I haven't felt this in a while, and I cling onto that sense of self worth and belonging I can never get in real life. 
+
+In real life, in school, in hagwon, it's different. I am still that star trek obsessed kid who thinks too much and tells weird jokes, but nobody knows be. Nobody knows who I am. Even my mom, my teachers, the kids in my school, nobody knows me. I can never talk about things I love in real life. I can't talk about html and building my own website with anyone, I can't talk about star trek or memes, I can't discuss philosophy or talk about how school sucks and how bad my day was. I feel like nobody gets me offline. I don't feel accepted. I feel like I'm the permanent new kid in my life.
+
+I'm not seen as a smart kid anymore. When I was younger I was the gifted kid that always got stuff right, knew more stuff than the textbook, the kid who was always correcting the teacher, the kid who everyone asked things they didn't know. I was the kid whose teacher, when they called their parents, always told them how their kid was a bright and gifted kid. Everyone had high expectations for me, but now I'm disappointing everyone with my dropping grades and depression.
+
+Tbh, I feel like I'm tricking everyone who views me as a smart person. I feel like an imposter who everyone mistook as the gifted kid when I was younger. I feel like I'm one of the the r/iamverysmart people who insecure with their intelligence. I feel like my whole childhood was a lie. 
+
+Now people who don't know me well think I'm 'average"". Worse, they see me as a lazy, creepy kid who forgets everything, doesn't understand social cues and eats lunch alone. I feel as if there is an underlying, constant ""rage"" about myself and everyone in my life. The ""rage"" sometimes makes me want to kill myself, or worse, kill everyone in my school. I feel like a terrible person, a being who can't be even described as ""human"" when I find myself imagining blowing up my school with a bomb. That ""rage"" seems to come from my insecurity. I feel so insecure sometimes that it turns into a full blown panic attack like I would never feel happy again, like every inch of hope has been sucked out from me. 
+
+I'm confused about my dreams and major too. One day I want to be a programmer/developer, one day I want to be a professor in philosophy/history/neuroscience/astronomy, one day I just want to earn a living and be on the internet and game all day, one day I want to be a writer, one day I just want to fucking kill myself. My teachers pressure kids to choose their future jobs/major quickly. They are always doing activities that involve kids to write down their future majors and careers. I can't be honest with anyone, sometimes myself too. I feel like that ruined my whole dreaming thing beginning in 2018. I stopped to think about my possibilities and stopped being honest with myself and always thought that I was too late and wasn't qualified.
+
+Sometimes I have the sudden urge to get my shit together and do something with this life. Then after a day when I find myself forgetting an assignment or procrastinating, I feel as if I can't never get my shit together and fall back into that viscous cycle again. This has happened to much to me that it sucked away the hope and made me thing I was going to be doomed forever.
+
+I would write more if I could, but I feel so sick to write. Please help me. I feel so miserable. I don't want to live like this anymore.",Normal
+Nobody is posting So MegaThiccc doesn’t have lots to comment on. Here ya go buddy,Normal
+"BRO I GOT INTO HIGHSCHOOL one step closer to going to the military!
+
+yay!
+
+any advice on air force / highschool stuff?",Normal
+-word_ is a liar i still have to type filler what a liar i literally still have to write filler mate,Normal
+"Goooob morning Europe, Goooob night The Americas! If you are reading this from the America’s, please consider going to bed soon, it’s not healthy to stay up late (says the zombie who pulled an all-nighter)!
+
+If you are reading from Europe, good morning early birds, today is gonna be a good day!",Normal
+"Why is everyone on here so horny and desperate for love?🤔 Like I don’t really get it... Personally, I couldn’t care less whether I’m in a relationship or not. But everyone here seems to want one... why?",Normal
+All the rust servers in the EU Burnt down Good thing I don’t play rust,Normal
+Anyone wanna play among us? Code is LGLFWQ and its on the north american server,Normal
+"Thats some Zoomer shit When we get older and have kids and we say:
+
+I when i was a kid, our phones had home buttons that u had to press to get to the home page, and a headphone jack and a charging port instead of just one.
+
+They’ll say:
+
+Well thats some Zoomer shit",Normal
+"Went to bed at 6am, woke up at 1am the next day :/ This doesn't feel particularly healthy",Normal
+Do y’all ever just make yourself and your crush in tomodachi life or the sims and try to get them into a relationship or is that just me My mii is happily married and i’m saddily lonely 😔,Normal
+I Finally Did It I asked put my best friend and she said YES!!!!!,Normal
+"I am bored UwU So, every day I wake up, I eat something and join all the online lessons, then I eat again and I study until the end of the day and finally (thank God) I sleep. How can I spend better my time? I think I am losing my time and my youth, I don't know how to tell... Hope you understand...
+It is really bad doing this every day! I want to change my days, so I ask you teenagers! Help meeeee...",Normal
+"Jeans are uncomfortable Fuck jeans, they squash the hell out of my balls all the time. I wish I could wear sweatpants everywhere without being judged. I'm too self conscious for that.",Normal
+Well crap I had a meme I was gonna post then I remembered it’s text post weekend so y’all will have to wait until Monday to see it,Normal
+yooo I have an award you know what to do,Normal
+"Just did a pact with my best friend If neither me nor her are married or in a serious relationship by the age of 30 we'll move in together and adopt a child together. 
+I'm curious how that's going to age up :)))",Normal
+When ppl say they have ocd Ocd is a disorder not a quirky thing. Youre prolly just being a perfectionist lol. No offense to ppl with actual ocd,Normal
+"Gimme some drawing suggestions Im feeling kinda bored, and i feel like drawing something
+
+You guys tend to have interesting ideas sometimes, so send me some suggestions and i might draw them if i find them fun to draw
+
+SFW only please",Normal
+"I forgot some stuff for school..... Sooo, we've been reading Kite Runner for like almost a month for English class, and I have a test on it tomorrow.  Just thinking now about how I only read the first 10 chapters of like 40.  I  cant really read the rest before then.  Any ideas of things I can do to not **completely** fail?",Normal
+"Whats poppin I just want to talk to people because its 4am and Im bored. What are u guys up to, hows it going",Normal
+"What's the best video game soundtrack you've ever heard For me, one of the best would be Battlefield V. In 2nd and 3rd would be Dead Cells than Beyond the Wire.",Normal
+My bf just told me hes trans Doesn't change how I feel about him its just a little stressful I still love him,Normal
+I lost my free awards :( I've gotten the wholesome award twice but both of those times I got so busy that day that I didn't get to gift it to any cursed or weird posts and now I'm sad :(,Normal
+"I’m bored. Made some rhythms More rhythms because I’m bored
+
+Why am I forced to go though this pain? Shit makes me want to put a bullet through my brain.
+
+Depression attacking me from all sides like a horde, but I make shitty rhythms like this because I’m bored.
+
+My will to die is big and it keeps getting bigger. That’s because Depression has me being my own killer.
+
+Everything I do is a miss. Why can’t I be normal and do good? I can’t live like this.
+
+I guess this is my final goodbye. I’m going to follow the voices and die.",Normal
+"Online classes are really pissing me off!! Any Advice? Alright, so i am 16 (M) and last year, when i finished my 10th grade exams, i ended up getting 94% which is really good. I had that motivation to read well and score the same in 11th grade. But i lose all my interest due to this pathetic online classes. We students arent capable of understanding whatever the teachers are saying and the teachers are also really bad at taking classes. First few months i managed to listen a little but still wasnt good. And then later, i just started getting so distracted. I barely listen to the classes. I play Dota, or watch anime or just watch youtube but never listen to classes. My grades are going low and finals are approaching nearer. What to do??
+
+Just wanted to get everything of off my chest. Any tips to study even in this condition?",Normal
+Just wait till 2020 turns 21 and starts drinking. I just read this and I'm genuinely scared,Normal
+"I have had great ideas in my life and i couldnt submit it anywhere and no one cared I have a notebook which i write my ideas in,
+
+i have had an idea about an analog keyboard for example and even drew a schematic of the linear switch and after around 6 months, the company wooting one made the fiirst analog keyboard with linear switches, that was my idea
+
+ive had ideas about how to make an internal combustion engine more efficient but it was done around 2 years ago
+
+ive had the idea about the AI DLSS and AI framerate generator, ive had these ideas even before nvidia made them, and the way that they work are the exact same that i made and wrote in my notebook
+
+Sometimes i just wonder, is someone reading my mind 
+
+Sometimes i just :(",Normal
+"Have any of you ever fallen for someone, but then later found out that person was lesbian/gay? If so, you know how much it royally sucks.",Normal
+"Im so confused My mom and my sister were fighting because my mom thinks my sister ""crashed"" into a pile of snow but she didnt and my sister is crying becasue of it... Man i dont understand women its not something worth over crying.
+
+Sorry for bad english",Normal
+This is important I only charge my phone till 69%,Normal
+"Dear Moderators of this sub Another user made this post but it needs more light because it is true
+
+ 
+
+i have been working hard to make relatable memes for my fellow teenagers, but they seem to be a poaching bot that doesn’t allow pre made formats. i feel like the addition to [u/MAGIC\_EYE\_BOT](https://www.reddit.com/u/MAGIC_EYE_BOT/) was nice because it eliminates possible reposting, but the bot just completely removes any post with pre-made templates.
+
+For example: I have uploaded 3 different memes that I made with mematic, which were (not fully) origional content. i used a template and psoted my fresh relatable meme about a school scenario, and poof. 1 minute later, my post was removed because of: “identical or slihtly modified image recently posted here”. i think you should have the bots programmming reconstructed so the bot can depict the difference between text colour, position and other tags on post, so the meme doesn’t get taken down because of possible repost. im honeslty so mad about this because I see other memes using the template get posted, and not taken down.
+
+i say this for probally more than just myself, but I would like the Magic Eye Bot removed from this sub.",Normal
+"Anyone wanna talk about rocketry, orbital mechanics or astrophysics? I don’t know many people in real life who
+know/like that kind of stuff.",Normal
+I'm gonna have to delete so many posts I made so many today,Normal
+"Katy Perry Gush :) ***hey guys, gals, and non binary pals :)***
+
+so I'm bored and listening to music and I've recently started listening to some old Katy Perry songs that came out back when I was little. anddddd I have quite a lot to say about them. :) nobody probably cares tho lol. but basically, I'm just gonna be gushing about her songs and lyrics cuz why not? if you're not interested, you can keep scrolling and ignore this lol. I'm open to having a discussion or gush afterwards in the comments if you end up reading my post. either way, hope you all have a great rest of your day/night! :)
+
+so to begin: I absolutely love how the majority of her songs are about empowering women and just so motivational. I feel like I've always been strong or known my worth, so I was able to relate to her songs. and then other songs are just really fun! no big message or anything, just for fun! NOW LET US BEGINNN
+
+**PART OF ME:** basically about how she's leaving her cheating bf according to the music video and talking about how life and people can be really crappy at times, but you shouldn't let them get the best of you. those people are miserable and sad which is why they try to make YOU sad and miserable. I personally can relate cuz I've been hurt... quite a few times throughout life by many people and honestly find it really hard to trust people now. but no matter how badly they've hurt me, I always, *always* bounce back because I know my worth and know that no matter how much they try to cut me down, they can't. nothing they can say can make me forget myself and my own worth, and I know that truly happy and good people don't try to cut others done or make them feel bad about themselves. whoever does anything like that is NOT truly happy with themselves or their lives. I mean, c'mon. do you really think someone who is perfectly healthy, happy, and good will try to make others miserable? **no.** I also know that if nobody else is there for me, I know I have my family to support me and motivate me. due to these reasons, I absolutely love this song :)
+
+**HOT N COLD:** this one is another motivational song! I loved this song ever since I was little as well because of the empowering message in it. in the music video, Katy is getting married to someone but he gets cold feet. the song is about a toxic relationship, how one person doesn't want the person, but doesn't want the person to want someone else either, or is constantly changing their minds. the relationship started out great but started deteriorating. another thing I really liked was the lyrics that go like 'I should know that you're no good for me' and 'I should know that you're not gonna change'. I liked those because I feel it shows how in toxic relationship, people hardly ever change so it's honestly pointless to stay in those relationships. I know it's easier said than done to leave those relationships, so I'm not shaming anyone for staying in those cuz I know many people try to leave but can't. as I mentioned before, I've always known my worth so this song was motivating for me because when I date in the future, I know that I won't take anybody's crap. I know my worth and know that I deserve to be treated with respect, and I'll treat my S.O with respect, and the minute someone treats me badly or thinks that they can walk all over me, I'm out without a backwards glance. why should I waste my time on someone who doesn't respect me? there are plenty of people out there who will respect me, so I'm not gonna stay hung up on someone who doesn't. k *that* turned into a rant lol, sorry. basically, I found it really motivating and loved the lyrics :)
+
+**LAST FRIDAY NIGHT (TGIF):** i looove this song lol. it's not motivational or anything, it's one of those 'just-for-fun' songs and I sing and dance along every single time. also, her voice sounds amazing in this song lol. i love dancing and the concept of parties, which I unfortunately haven't spent a lot of time at in my short 15 years of life :/ tho I do plan on attending many, many parties as I grow older haha. anyways, the song is just really fun and while the music video is quite crazy lol, I love it regardless and I can't wait till I'm older to have fun and be more independent as I have pretty strict parents who don't let me do a lot of things. that's another reason why I love the song: it gives me hope and makes me excited about the years to come once I get into college and am more independent. to sum that all up, loveee it lol
+
+**CALIFORNIA GURLS:** ok, so this song doesn't have any meaning behind it really either, but I just always loved it ever since I was little... before I understood that the entire song was basically about sex and was full of sexual references O.O I just loved it because I'm from the state the song is about so I felt very proud and famous when I was little cuz the song was about where I lived lol. besides that, I just like the beat and think it's a fun song! :)
+
+k those are all the songs haha. Like I said, I was bored and felt like writing about the songs cuz why not? and also, my family is most likely tired of hearing this gush lol so I'm turning to Internet strangers :) 
+
+k, that is all byee 😁✌🏼",Normal
+"Drawing Apps on iPad I was looking for good FREE drawing apps on my iPad. Are Adobe Fresco and Adobe Photoshop Sketch totally free apps ? I mean they have in-app purchases but what all do we get for free? And which of the two is better ? Also what about Autodesk Sketchbook ? I was using Krita on my Mac but now as a I switched to iPad, it would be really nice if i get some advice and suggestions. Thank You !!",Normal
+the flame embers dances i can hear their soft whispers,Normal
+GUYS I DID IT!!! I PEED AND NOT A SINGLE DROP GOT IN MY UNDERWEAR THIS IS INSANE,Normal
+Among Us SGXHUF,Normal
+"Am I in the wrong? I have to share a room with my older brother. He always kicks me out of my own room so then I have to spend every moment with my sister who is 4 years younger then me. I have to constantly be with her, and do whatever she wants, I even have to sleep on the floor in her room. My brother was gone tonight so I just wanted to spend the night by myself playing video games. So I tell my sister I’ll sit with you until you fall asleep. She starts saying I want to sleep in your room and I say no. Then my mom starts screaming at me that I’m terrible for making her feel bad. Am I in the wrong?",Normal
+"ur cute :) cute for trying to act like an alpha male, u beta.
+ it's fine though :)",Normal
+"@everyone @everyone Oh.......
+
+ this doesn't work here......
+
+Saddd",Normal
+"i honesty can’t comprehend how the sub went from 12k online to 68k online 
+
+huhhh",Normal
+Is there a minimum number of karma to post on this subreddit ?  It’s just out of curiosity,Normal
+Its 5 am and i have to wake up in 3 hours to go to a dentist appointment How tf did my sleeping schedule get this bad,Normal
+"Does anyone feels like this? You make gaming plans with your homies but they are only free like 30 minutes later so you said, ""okay"" and wait
+
+while you are waiting, you don't feel like playing anymore all of a sudden? and now you don't know how to tell them so you just suck it up or something",Normal
+just got pulled over for air drumming 😐 could be much worse things going on rn but pls sir pull me over and question me over tapping my steering wheel,Normal
+Bruh wtf It’s 3:37 a.m. EST already? It was 1 a.m. five minutes ago 😐,Normal
+Oh shoot i forgot! i forgot! i can change my flair to 14!,Normal
+Ahhh omg I’m literally so happy rn So I had like this thing kinda with this guy before the second lockdown. We would hangout a couple times a week with some of our other friends and cuddle on the couch when we watched movies. But after the lock down we stopped talking bc we couldn’t hangout and that was like the only times we would talk. But like an hour ago he texted me and we started talking and just having a conversation then he asked if I would maybe want to go skating or something with him next week after the lockdown for our area is over. Anyway yeah hehe,Normal
+insert shitpost title* asdlfkdjflsflkjsdkljljfkfjslkdjlkfjkfjskldjfkklfjskfjslafladlasd;ksjfklsf;la;lakfdklasl;f,Normal
+I caught my teacher singing American Pie I guess she pulled the chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.,Normal
+Welcome to The Vibe™️ zone Feel free to vibe in the comments as long as you want.,Normal
+"Pls wish me luck So I have an English exam tomorrow and I need to get an 80+, however i suck at English. 
+
+Yes I have studied",Normal
+Ok guys gimme tips on Drawing humanoids right now since I feel like drawing after school,Normal
+Anyone else ever feel the feeling of waking up and realizing you set your alarm to pm instead of am The fear is unexplainable and the anxiety is incomparable,Normal
+Tech support If I had a dollar for every time I tech supported for  school/People in my house I would be rich.,Normal
+See ya dudes and dudettes... i am no longer part of the club :( officially 20 now... ill see yall in 93 years!,Normal
+"I've got suspended for a joke and I'm pissed Well I was in science and the teacher was giving us multiple choice questions except instead of asking one person we would all vote by giving slips of paper with our votes on them and whichever option has the most votes is the answer the class is considered to pick even if you knew the right answer if enough people are dumb you'll still lose that classwork mark anyway one time I decided as a joke to put"" none of them seem sus I think we should skip"" and when the teacher asked who wrote it I said me and read it out loud then the teacher gave me a note and told me to to the principals office long story short I got suspended for a dumb among us joke so thanks to one stupid joke I couldn't use my phone or Xbox for a full 2 weeks even tho the supention was 2 days and to this day I ask myself why did I make that joke (also I want to point out among us was big in my school loooooong before it was on reddit)",Normal
+I’m bored can you guys ask me stuff if u want Idk I like answering things so yeah. Also I’m procrastinating studying for my mid teens which are on Monday so yeah,Normal
+"I was on reddit a year before joining here before, my karma was at like 1000 for an entire year, and here, in 6 months it went to 40k, this is where you get the karma my friends",Normal
+The reason... The reason you’re getting ads about registering to vote is because you keep lying about your age.,Normal
+"Number game or truth or dare? I’m bored and wanna talk, anyone wanna do the number game or truth or dare in dms?
+
+Or if anyone just wants to talk that’s fine too lol",Normal
+"Plz give me an award plz 🙏🙏 Plz I beg of u.
+I made a bet with my friend and if I get an award I get 5 bucks.
+
+Plz I want ur charity I will thank u very much 💕💕",Normal
+"i got a question im looking for a good gaming chair around $225 or less. idc if its an office chair, as long as its comfortable and  has the reclining function and a footrest thing",Normal
+"How is ""if you're offended by this, it's about you"" a valid comeback to people making a point Like I understand it's about me, that's why I'm offended lmaoo 
+
+Why do you feel the need to point that out instead of telling me why I'm wrong?",Normal
+Aight drop ur favourite rappers I need new music Filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler,Normal
+Unspoken truth You can basically know if a mobile game is shitty when it has a bad photo of the original console game as the icon,Normal
+You haven’t lived.. Until you’ve heard “2700 sea shanties”,Normal
+"Finally found a good series I can binge Breaking Bad, it’s pretty badass and good",Normal
+"All the ascii copypastas I have on my clipboard ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣄⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣤⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠛⠿⠿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣿⣷⠀⠀
+
+⠀⠀⢀⣠⣤⣴⣶⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣇⠀
+
+⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣴⣶⣿⣿⡿⠀
+
+⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀
+
+⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠁⠀⠀
+
+⠀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀
+
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+⣿⠏⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
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+⣿⠏⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
+
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+
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+⠛⠛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠉⠛⢶⣶⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
+⠠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠟⠃⠀⠀⠀⠈⠲⣴⣦⣤⣤⣤⣶⡾⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
+⠄⠈⠉⠻⢿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠛⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
+
+⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣀⣠⣤⠴⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⢤⣄⣀⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣠⣶⠟⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠙⠶⣄⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⣠⡾⠟⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠻⣆⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⣼⡟⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣤⣶⡶⢦⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠖⠻⣶⠞⢧⠄⠄ ⠄⣼⠏⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠐⠛⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣤⣤⣄⠄⠄⠨⣧⠄ ⢸⡏⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠙⡏⠄⠄⠄⠸⡇ ⣿⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⡄⠄⠰⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⡇⠄⢀⡘⢣⣿ ⡿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠠⣄⠄⠄⠦⠄⢀⣠⣤⣶⣿⠿⣶⣦⣴⠟⢹ ⢿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠛⠛⠛⠛⠉⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠜⠁⠄⣾ ⠈⢧⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢰⠇ ⠄⠈⠑⢄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⡴⠋⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠐⠄⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣠⡴⠏⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠐⠂⠤⠤⣄⣀⣀⣀⣠⣤⣤⣤⡶⠶⠟⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄
+
+⠀⠀⠀⡯⡯⡾⠝⠘⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢊⠘⡮⣣⠪⠢⡑⡌ ㅤ ⠀⠀⠀⠟⠝⠈⠀⠀⠀⠡⠀⠠⢈⠠⢐⢠⢂⢔⣐⢄⡂⢔⠀⡁⢉⠸⢨⢑⠕⡌ ㅤ ⠀⠀⡀⠁⠀⠀⠀⡀⢂⠡⠈⡔⣕⢮⣳⢯⣿⣻⣟⣯⣯⢷⣫⣆⡂⠀⠀⢐⠑⡌ ⢀⠠⠐⠈⠀⢀⢂⠢⡂⠕⡁⣝⢮⣳⢽⡽⣾⣻⣿⣯⡯⣟⣞⢾⢜⢆⠀⡀⠀⠪ ⣬⠂⠀⠀⢀⢂⢪⠨⢂⠥⣺⡪⣗⢗⣽⢽⡯⣿⣽⣷⢿⡽⡾⡽⣝⢎⠀⠀⠀⢡ ⣿⠀⠀⠀⢂⠢⢂⢥⢱⡹⣪⢞⡵⣻⡪⡯⡯⣟⡾⣿⣻⡽⣯⡻⣪⠧⠑⠀⠁⢐ ⣿⠀⠀⠀⠢⢑⠠⠑⠕⡝⡎⡗⡝⡎⣞⢽⡹⣕⢯⢻⠹⡹⢚⠝⡷⡽⡨⠀⠀⢔ ⣿⡯⠀⢈⠈⢄⠂⠂⠐⠀⠌⠠⢑⠱⡱⡱⡑⢔⠁⠀⡀⠐⠐⠐⡡⡹⣪⠀⠀⢘ ⣿⣽⠀⡀⡊⠀⠐👁⡁⠂⢈⠠⡱⡽⣷⡑⠁⠠⠑👁⢇⣤⢘⣪⢽⠀⢌⢎ ⣿⢾⠀⢌⠌⠀⡁⠢⠂⠐⡀⠀⢀⢳⢽⣽⡺⣨⢄⣑⢉⢃⢭⡲⣕⡭⣹⠠⢐⢗ ⣿⡗⠀⠢⠡⡱⡸⣔⢵⢱⢸⠈⠀⡪⣳⣳⢹⢜⡵⣱⢱⡱⣳⡹⣵⣻⢔⢅⢬⡷ ⣷⡇⡂⠡⡑⢕⢕⠕⡑⠡⢂⢊⢐⢕⡝⡮⡧⡳⣝⢴⡐⣁⠃⡫⡒⣕⢏⡮⣷⡟ ⣷⣻⣅⠑⢌⠢⠁⢐⠠⠑⡐⠐⠌⡪⠮⡫⠪⡪⡪⣺⢸⠰⠡⠠⠐⢱⠨⡪⡪⡰ ⣯⢷⣟⣇⡂⡂⡌⡀⠀⠁⡂⠅⠂⠀⡑⡄⢇⠇⢝⡨⡠⡁⢐⠠⢀⢪⡐⡜⡪⡊ ⣿⢽⡾⢹⡄⠕⡅⢇⠂⠑⣴⡬⣬⣬⣆⢮⣦⣷⣵⣷⡗⢃⢮⠱⡸⢰⢱⢸⢨⢌ ⣯⢯⣟⠸⣳⡅⠜⠔⡌⡐⠈⠻⠟⣿⢿⣿⣿⠿⡻⣃⠢⣱⡳⡱⡩⢢⠣⡃⠢⠁ ⡯⣟⣞⡇⡿⣽⡪⡘⡰⠨⢐⢀⠢⢢⢄⢤⣰⠼⡾⢕⢕⡵⣝⠎⢌⢪⠪⡘⡌⠀ ⡯⣳⠯⠚⢊⠡⡂⢂⠨⠊⠔⡑⠬⡸⣘⢬⢪⣪⡺⡼⣕⢯⢞⢕⢝⠎⢻⢼⣀⠀ ⠁⡂⠔⡁⡢⠣⢀⠢⠀⠅⠱⡐⡱⡘⡔⡕⡕⣲⡹⣎⡮⡏⡑⢜⢼⡱⢩⣗⣯⣟ ⢀⢂⢑⠀⡂⡃⠅⠊⢄⢑⠠⠑⢕⢕⢝⢮⢺⢕⢟⢮⢊⢢⢱⢄⠃⣇⣞⢞⣞⢾ ⢀⠢⡑⡀⢂⢊⠠⠁⡂⡐⠀⠅⡈⠪⠪⠪⠣⠫⠑⡁⢔⠕⣜⣜⢦⡰⡎⡯⡾⡽",Normal
+"I just want a a girl who will wear my sweatshirt And curl up on the couch with and watch a scary movie (or a romcom) and in the morning she wakes me up with coffee in bed and a kiss and then we go and have a picnic in the park before sitting up late watching the stars, sitting on the roof, her head on my shoulder.",Normal
+"I think my therapist is ghosting me Hasn't answered my texts, what the fuck did I do :D what do I do now? What's going on help",Normal
+"First person to comment gets rocket like award Be fast
+
+Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler",Normal
+"Anyone sometimes get that feeling of superiority then have to remember sonder? It hits me every now and then, I have to suppress my feelings because even though I'm not smarter then others I get such a feeling of superiority and I hate it because I don't even have anything to feel superior over",Normal
+"is responding quickly bad? i type really fast sometimes, and i hear that a quick response isnt good, is that true?",Normal
+"If you want to go out and live your life, go out. If you want to quarantine, then quarantine. But don’t be a dick about it If you want to go out and live your life then go out and do that while being safe about it. If you want to quarantine and help prevent the spread then do that. Just if you want to go out WHERE  YOUR GODDAMN Mask and don’t protest it. And if your at home don’t come plain about people wanting to live there lives. To Sumerise don’t be a asshole. Thank you for attending my tedtalk",Normal
+"Ok guys help me out with this The day one of my drawings makes me proud enough to show it to my mother I will .... ( what should I do ,that day is very far away but I’m bad making myself goals so give me something to do if that ever happens give me like a dare or something a goal a future wish )",Normal
+am i the only one who finds ppl that stop masturbating weird ? like if i didn't my monke brain wouldn't have the happy molecules and i would've probs already kms,Normal
+BYEE not me accidentally buying regular sugar soda instead of diet and wondering why it tastes so good 😭😭😭 I'm trying to lose weight not get fatter,Normal
+Minecraft bedrock basic survival Who wants to play I have Java but I like controller better,Normal
+"After training for months, I finally did my first push up. I don't have a lot of strength so this quite an achievement for me.",Normal
+Some of y’all haven’t seen silento ⭕️ and it shows ​​​​​ ​​​​​​ ​​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ ​​​ ​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ ​​​​​​ ​​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ ​​​ ​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ ​​​​​​ ​​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ ​​​ ​​​​​ ​​​​​​​​​​,Normal
+"I just need to say this. FUCK KOALAS Not literally 
+
+They are the world’s worst animal and they are bad at every. To start instead of evolving to eat normal fucking food they evolved to eat a plant that is poisonous to most animals that has almost no nutritional value. They get so little energy from this plant that they have to sleep 20+ hours a day and when they are away they have to constantly eat or they will die. They also only reproduce through rapeing each other. Also when they are baby’s they drink their mother’s milk which has a decent amount of nutrients. But then they have to stop so they go to eat a poisonous plant. So they eat there parents shit to get used to the toxin(for you nerds I know that it’s not technically their shit but it’s basically the same thing). Also they have not evolved to do what almost all other land animals have learned to do which is drink water. They only learned how because fire fighters gave them water to drink during the wild fires. They also have spinal fluid in their skulls so when they fall out of trees because they forget to hold on. Also they have very small and very smooth brains. They also sometimes die because they forget to hold on to trees.
+
+So that you oner is why I restarted the Australian wild fires.
+
+Ps sort for the spelling /grammar I typed this fast and I was mad",Normal
+I’m tryna get with a fireside girl But filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler,Normal
+How is everyone? how is everyone doing today? good? bad? bit of both?,Normal
+i want to go out:D i wanna go outside but i don't know what to do and i'm bored.,Normal
+What’s the dumbest reason you got downvoted for I’m asking because it just happened to me lol.,Normal
+Who. Wants. My. Goddamn. Hugz. Award Say something to make me smile and you get it,Normal
+"What are some good ways to avoid fapping? I’m going on a yearlong journey, and I need advice on how to not fap",Normal
+"oof i wanna slice my wrists and just i wanna scream into the void and just kinda v a n i sh
+
+from earth also i feel like i wouldnt care if someone just chokes me to death out of nowhere because im a worthless piece of shit and my gf deserves way fucking better than me cuz i serve no purpose in society and i dont know how to deal with my emotions because i never got teached how to deal with them and could possibly mentally break apart if my gf leaves me becAuse im so mentally fucking unstable i actually need to be imprisoned in a mental ward because i feel like im loosing my mind and my sanity is slowly rotting away-
+
+-i mean howdy lads and lasses, how are you all doing?",Normal
+"Wish me luck! You thought I was gonna ask out my crush? Nah, I start my first job today! See y'all in a few hours!",Normal
+Guys I invented a new smiley emoticon {> it looks so happy 🥺🥺🥺,Normal
+Should I pay my crush to pretend to love me? Should I? I can't live without him.,Normal
+"Oh great all my fucking family believes in All Lives Matter Might hang myself now ngl 
+My mums  now making fun of shit like gays saying Our Lives Matter and shit I’m fucking done",Normal
+"Anyone else who loves some games for ""gun porn"" I like games that do guns super realistic it's the main reason I keep my PlayStation VR so I can play gun club 
+
+Like when a gun is perfect in a video game it's orgasmic",Normal
+"I'm actually getting pissed off. Every single photo I try and upload says ""Uplpad failed"" or ""Cant upload photo"" The reddit app has turned to complete garbage ugh. Considering switching back to PC tbh.",Normal
+I just saw a bakugan add... Y'all remember them right? Have I time travelled a decade to the past or are they trying to doa comeback?,Normal
+"We’re now best friends, what do I do? Me and her have been friends for about 8-9 months, but the way we act and talk you’d think we basically grew up together. We have both made it verbally clear that we would both date each other, however were both not looking for a relationship right now. Her family really likes me, and I’m friends with her brother. Her brother’s friend (who I have been close with for a couple of years but we recently argue a lot) has a MASSIVE crush on her and she doesn’t really like him back. He also talks shit behind my back to her. He has no chance. Me and her had a small problem, but solved it and now reside as best friends. What do I do? I feel satisfied with being best friends, and she’s happy to have a close guy friend. What do I do to be a good guy best friend?",Normal
+"Something that humans could never understand If there was an animal that could perceive how gravity pulls down on animals and objects around it, then we would not be able to tell through study because we could never perceive this.",Normal
+I'm gonna commit a hate crime against reddit fuck this stupid ass social media platform,Normal
+"Todays the day..I've got the thing I'll h*ng myself with. I'm just procrastinating.... I'm scared, and I just feel guilty. I couldnt sleep last night I kept thinking about who will find me just hanging there... it saddens me I have to leave this world like this",Suicidal
+"Bad luckThis is my first post on Reddit ever. I've had many concussions resulting from different sports and also very bad luck. I can't really complain about the life I had: I had pretty much straight A's in building engineering, I have a large group of friends, my family is very supportive and loving, I have a good relationship with my girlfriend and financially, I'm very at ease. The thing is, I keep getting head injuries in the worst ways possible. I got one 3 months ago and it was my seventh one.after it, I had a period with very dark thoughts, cause it seemed like it was never healing. I love sports more than anything and I couldn't do them. I couldn't even hang out with friends without getting headaches and neck pain. In the last week, it was the first time I actually felt like I was getting better. So much so, I decided to go pick nicking with friends today. When I arrived at the park, I go struck in the head by a frisbee. As dumb as it seems, the impact made me lose consciousness and when I finally got back from my apartment, all my concussion symptoms are back. It just seems that every time it starts getting better, everything just goes back to shit. I don't feel like I have any strength left to go trough recovery once again. University starts tomorrow and I'm so fucking scared that I won't be able to concentraee. I feel helpless, like I'm in an endless cycle and shit goes bad each time I start seeing hope. Almost like life itself wants me to out myself. Sorry for the long post, I just have so much anger rage and sadness",Suicidal
+just had a severe ptsd attack and idk how to cope with it so here i am crying my eyes out at 6 am on the floor thinking to kill myself to ease my paini hate you just get the fuck out of my skin,Suicidal
+"Im thinking of ending it all tonightThe only thing that keeps me from killing myself are my parents and my little brother, i have been suicidal for way too long and the one time I tried doing so I ended up in a hospital. I am 22 yo, I am a worthless person with no job, dropped out of uni, I've gained about 60kg these last 2 years and im really scared that my brother will one day realise that I am not his hero that he thinks I am, but I cannot take this anymore,there hasnt been a day for so long that i havent thought about killing myself and right now im so close on doing it, so close that I actually feel better knowing that its all coming to an end.",Suicidal
+"I'm a broken toyI'm ill, I'm only getting worse, and that's a big problem... for my parents. Because I'm failing college, I've never had a job, and I'm on the verge of another dramatic meltdown like I experienced one year ago to the week or so. 
+
+Panic disorder, social anxiety, agoraphobia... None of these things are just ""being shy."" And none of them are cured by subjecting yourself to more and more exposure. I've had \*no choice\*  but to expose myself for the +6 years that I've lived with these conditions. You \*cannot\* live in the 21st century without having to talk to people. I went through high school, graduated. I went to college, where I am now. I've pushed myself through every single presentation, group project; every class and, now, video conference expected of me. I've pushed myself to appear at the field trips, assemblies, celebrations, that weren't required, but where I knew I was tacitly expected to be. Every week, in and out. You would expect a change?
+
+""Oh just do it, and it'll get easier."" ""You can't heal without putting yourself out there :)""
+
+Last year, October, I had, at my college campus, panic that involved refusing to come home, an active manhunt by campus police to locate me as I ran through woodlands and eventually barricaded myself up on the fourth floor of a main building, where I proceeded to punch through doors, flip tables, scream like a banshee, and almost end up involuntarily committed to a psych ward. How did I avoid the last thing? Well, don't worry... it was only a few months before I actually ended up being held in hospital against my will :D
+
+I know what's wrong with me. I try relentlessly to tell my parents, my extended family, my ""friends"", and even teachers and pure strangers what is going on in my mind. That their \*ideas\* about what will cure me ARE NOT what will cure me. That panics are unstoppable once they're underway, unless I have medicine, which I don't always have.
+
+And they tell me... I'm lazy. That I'm looking for excuses not to be in school. That the money put into my education was wasted. That I'm not committed to my own health. That I'm untrustworthy. That I'm overreacting, that it's ""all in my head.""
+
+What wasn't in my head was growing up abused by my father, walking on eggshells making sure not to trigger him in his irritable Bipolar moods. Growing up beaten for not adhering strictly to rules I had to divine from his head, because I should've known that's what he wanted. What isn't in my head is living with him for my entire life, wary of even looking at him the wrong way, lest I start an argument where things are thrown and I'm kicked out for the +5th time in the past two years. And growing up with a mother who does nothing but invalidate every feeling I have, that isn't blind compliance. Being followed behind and told to basically shut up any time I dare to panic - dare to have a biological event happen that I can't control without medicine, like I said. Being reminded of all the times and all the ways I've failed...
+
+Not having good grades (because I couldn't ask teachers for help because anxiety and panics)
+
+Not attending family get togethers anymore (because I have lost my ability to speak to them because anxiety and panics)
+
+Never acknowledging ""the bright side"" of things, and ignoring ""my blessings"" (because I have reverted to having a toddler's social aptitude because of this fucking disorder).
+
+No, no. I don't want to wait around ""for someone who loves me and cares about me."" I've come across enough people already, if none of them give a shit, what the hell's the point in waiting any longer. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to live anymore. I'm going to do everyone a favor and shut down, I'm the broken toy that disappoints everyone that plays with it.",Suicidal
+"Would committing suicide really be THAT bad for your mom?Everyone always talks about how they are skeptical to end their lives because of how devastated their moms would be. I think about this too. But would it really be that terrible for our moms? I read that the way people think about happiness and sadness is not congruent with the reality of happiness and sadness. People think bad situations will make them really sad, and for a really long time (like deaths of loved ones.) People think happy things will make them happy for a really long time (like marriage, children etc.) But really what happens, is people get a sharp increase in happiness when something good happens, and sadness when something bad, and then their emotional states go back to default relatively quickly after that. Hmm. My friend Alf died last month by suicide. His mom was crushed. But she’s much better now, and all of his siblings are much better. Other moms have survived the suicides of their children so why can’t ours.",Suicidal
+"""I never thought I'd end up this way. I never thought I'd fall so far away.""
+Well...I was asked to make a throwaway and post something here a few days ago...suppose I should.  Just to start off, I am fine now.  However, last weekend I was a bit fed up and just had a lot of stuff hit me at once...and, started wanting out.
+
+In order to get the story, we have to go back...
+
+For about five years now, I have been dealing with the dating world....The longest relationship I have had (2 years) was coming to an end, and I knew it..but wouldn't admit it..was clinging to it...didn't know anything else.  Since then I have dated girls for, oh...a month or two...before they end up cheating, or they just get to be too much too fast.  Two years ago I was working at a local gas station, made a friend of one of the employees, and my life started to change.  Up to this point I had always pretty much been a loner, the ""shy guy""...with this new friend I would do pretty much everything. I would stay there every weekend (we ended up going to another job, working four tens) and we would get drunk as hell.  I loved it, but I hated it....I finally got out of that, and had a falling out with him...then met two other friends...started a band, as I love music, and life was good...wasn't worried so much about dating.....now one has a kid on the way, the other works weird shifts....so back to being a loner....except this time, it is more or less because I hate people.  I have been talking to a girl I met online (not a dating site or anything, just a site similar to facebook)...it turned into more than a freindship, and for the past month we have had plans every weekend.......however, something always comes up and I don't find out until too late....I kinda gave up, and started talking to someone else...she found out, and flipped....now she is pulling the same crap...less talking, blah blah blah...I already know nothing is coming of this.
+
+That is what sparked the feeling/thought.  But essentially, the reasoning is that I really do not see a point in making myself miserable because people in this world are cold, hell...it is making me cold....but coupled with that is the fact that I see the more and more retarded people, milking off people like me who work their ass off for a living....I honestly think economic collapse is coming..and am starting to hope for it....but last weekend I didn't care...I see my dreams falling apart, and I didnt know what to do..was just overwhelmed.  Then I realized, I dont need this shit...The whole reason I am often ""passed up"" is because of my mindset: Don't like a guy with long hair? Don't like my tattoo? Don't like my music? Fuck off, stop judging me. (not assaulting anyone, just trying to tell the story)....Basically, I need to stop with the self pity, and be me..if someone doesn't like it..why do I want to know them?
+
+
+Anyway..I'll comment if anyone wants elaboration..just wanted to get it off my chest...trying to be more outspoken and stop holding that stuff in.",Suicidal
+"Is it worth it?Is it really worth the fight of everyday life for the few sporadic moments of joy? The whole world is going to shit, and the current estimation of how long we have before global collapse over global warming is about 7 years or so. I can’t stop asking myself if sticking around is worth the trouble if everything seems to be pointing towards a dystopian future. I try to stay in the present as much as I can but still. I’m also unemployed atm, and my industry is in shambles. I don’t think I can even have a career in the only thing that I actually enjoy to work in, and to think about working some random job that I don’t despise but don’t love either, fills me with dread, and also, knowing that the human society has made capitalism such an integral part of life makes me sick too. I mean, simply not having a job or not being productive enough is enough for your whole human worth to decrease. You become a lazy ass, or a good for nothing, or a failure. Everything feels slowly more filled with bullshit that nobody cares about but that we can’t escape either. Everywhere I look there’s dumb shallow airhead influencers, or massive publicity campaigns by corporations trying to sell me shit that I don’t need nor want, and the world slowly feels hotter and hotter every year. I don’t want to die, but thinking about what the future holds for all of us makes me think about suicide for real, because I don’t want to live if it means that I have to suffer. Sure, not everything in life is suffering but lest be real, how much joy do we get if we compare it to the bad stuff? It just feels like the bad outweighs the good, and like you have to traverse through a field of shit to reach a small patch of beautiful flowers, and rinse and repeat...
+
+
+I’ll finish this post with something positive.
+
+I’ll be ok... we’ll all be ok, we’re nearly there, we must keep going, and keep going. Everything will be ok in the end.",Suicidal
+I'm done with trying to save myselfI'm 23 years old and I truly don't see me making it to 24.  So far my life has been nothing but letdowns after letdowns. I've never had a job or a honestly a friend so I'm basically living like a 12 year old.  I live with my parents and they treat me like crap and call me a shithead every day. I almost positive I'm depressed because I'm never happy or sad I just feel nothing all the time and I've been like this for so long that I can't imagine life being any other way. Because I literally have zero people in my life I can vent to I decided to do it here. I really really don't want to kill myself but I also really want to just be dead. Every time I in the car I just wish I would get into an accident and die I know that's not normal but it's all I wish for. I spend about 14 hours a day in bed because I just don't have any motivation to do anything. I'm not looking for answers or advice I'm just curious if anyone else out there feels like I do.  Because I hate myself and I just want the mental pain to end. ,Suicidal
+"FfsI’m going through that glorious cycle of wanting to kill myself again. Fantasising about every way of doing it. I’m in absolute agony it won’t leave me alone, no medication has helped. I can’t get any help for any of the mental health teams, they seem like they’ve given up on me just as much as I have. Nothing helps. 
+I just want out of this reoccurring feeling. It’s so painful. I just want to be dead.
+If they don’t want to help me then why don’t they just leave me for dead. One less person being a headache for them. ",Suicidal
+"ive written a note to my friends and everythingi dont know. i just feel like im wrong a lot. my abusive (mentally, emotionally and physically) parents told me that a lot. that my existence was wromg and that im the devil incarnate. i was quite literally a mistake. i finally got help for it a short while ago. but ive put my relationship with my brothers at a complete standstill. they hate me. our parents never hurt them. and now i find it so hard to find anyone who does like me. i had 3 online friends. 1 said i was too obsessive. so we havent talked properly in about 2 weeks i think. the other two are nice, but they arent here, which isnt meaning im not grateful for them. im just so empty and alone. im 18. i should be with friends having parties and drinking and having fun. instead im trying to pick up the pieces of a broken home. i cant even properly provide enough for my brothers. i can just about afford food. ive been denied a loan twice. ive been turned down from too many jobs. i cant drive to get to any place. ive turned to doing the most demeaning stuff just to give my brothers 2 meals a day.  if i give up, my brothers get a better childhood. they dont have to remember me and hopefully can live normal lives. i want to give up",Suicidal
+No hopeThere’s nothing worse to me than being told by the one person that I shared my life with that there’s no hope. I ruined everything and every second of this feeling just makes me want to end all of it more and more. Why the fuck can’t I just be normal? Why’d I have to freak out and ruin the only thing that made me feel remotely safe?,Suicidal
+"what the fuck can i do for her guys? shes being abused. shes brainwashed.this girl is so beautiful and her life is just being ruined by this prick. i was reading this site and EVERY single sign is right on.
+Warning Signs of Abuse:
+
+Social isolation: limiting what one can do, who one can see, and when one can see them
+Unexplained physical injuries
+Victim may show signs of depression: weight loss or gain, constantly tired, extremely anxious
+A batterer can be verbally abusive in private or in public
+Extreme jealousy
+Requiring permission to do certain things; ex. See people, spend money, etc.
+Controls what one wears
+An abuser might have a history of violence; short temper, fighting with others, abusing animals and or property, has easy access to weapons, becomes angry after consuming drugs or alcohol
+Stalking: when not together, constantly calls and inquires whereabouts; shows up to victim’s home
+Victim is apologetic for abuser’s actions, makes excuses for them, rationalizes them, blames themselves
+Victim is constantly “on edge;” does things to keep the abuser happy, very afraid to make the abuser angry
+Victim loses interest in once-loved hobbies and activities, most of his or her time is spent with abuser or doing tasks for the abuser
+Abuser threatens self-harm or suicide to guilt the victim
+
+
+i just want to beat the shit out of him to within an inch of his life but i know that might just send her even deeper. i don't feel like i can tell her parents because i'll lose the trust with her. don't tell me i just have to wait. shes 19. this is gonna fuck her up for life.",Suicidal
+"I'm a stone's throw away from giving up.I just can't do it anymore. Every god damned day gets harder and harder and harder.
+
+I'm 21 years old, soon to be turning 22 in October and I feel like I have nothing that really binds me to this world.
+
+Ever since I was 13 I've been depressed, although I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 14. I remember when I was a kid all I ever wanted was someone to love me. I was awkward, shy and super introverted so I spent more time with my online friends than I ever did with anyone in School.
+
+My dad used to buy my video games when I was still a pre-teen so I could pre-occupy myself while he did drugs, slept for 12 hours a day and then go to ""work"" as a Taxi driver, where in reality he would get in his cab, find a random street, park it there and then go back to sleep, but he'd claim he was at work.
+
+My mom used to hit me when I was younger and because she was young (She was 18 when she had me) and had no one else other than me and my Dad, she used to vent her problems out to me because of course she couldn't to my Dad, and then eventually they divorced, both parents re-married and eventually, my Mom got full custody of me, which was the lesser of 2 evils between my parents. But I was the emotional rag that got yelled at, got hit at for everything minor until I was old enough to stop her from physically assaulting me. 
+
+I remember when I was 14 years old, I'd stay up every night, hold my hands together so tightly it hurt and then prayed to a God. Any god, anyone or anything that was willing to listen to my prayers. I was so delusional to the point that I'd talk to a stuffed animal I had since I was a kid, or I would talk to the Characters on my One Piece poster because seeing that Poster made me think of so many things that I was hoping would come true in my life. ""I can't wait to have Friends like them some day in my life."" Is something I'd think about often. ""No one was born in this world to be alone."" was a quote that had a direct impact on me that I used to fully believe. 
+
+I made up a lie that I convinced myself was true, telling myself that I was adopted and sooner or later my real Mom would come and take me home. Every god damned night I sat there, I prayed as hard as I could all while I had tears streaming down my face and I hoped and hoped and hoped that someone would eventually come take me away.
+
+I watched anime, played video games and read books all so I could escape from reality and pretend I was someone else. Pretend I was somewhere else, where I was happy, where I wasn't so useless.
+
+It's been 7 years since then. No one came to save me.
+No one came to take me away. My ""real"" mom doesn't exist.
+It's just me, by myself and I feel like even though I've outgrown my fantasies, I can't help but spend hours everyday day dreaming to the point where it feels like I'm addicted to it. I have to daydream to even function. I have to think about a life where I'm somewhere happier, and not in my current state.
+
+By all means, my life isn't even that bad compared to a lot of people so that makes me feel even more guilty. Why am I even depressed?
+I work a part time job in retail that I absolutely hate, but it gives me some money to spend on my escapes. 
+
+My family is decently rich, they'll be paying for my College tuition when I start this Fall. Except I know I'm not going to live up to their expectations. I barely passed High School (Through LOTS of help from my Teachers when I got sent to a Learning Centre after I got expelled from Public School for skipping too much because I was too sad to even function in School.) but I lack so much discipline and motivation I can't even go get a haircut. It's been 6 months since my last one.
+
+When I'm at work, even for my short 4 hour shifts, I think of all the different ways that I could painlessly die, whether by suicide or via an accident. The 9 hour shifts are especially bad because I already have a weak physical constitution. I just spiral lower and lower until I'm so drained emotionally and physically that when I get home all I can do is sleep. I'm so desensitized to the thought of suicide that I accidentally brought it up with a co-worker and had to laugh it off while back pedalling real hard.
+
+I don't know, I'm just so tired of living. Every day Suiciding becomes more and more tempting, but I tell myself that I'd rather go see the world then Suicide rather than Suicide in this grief-stricken room of mine seeing the same thing everyday.
+My memories become so bad that I can't even remember what I did a few days ago because all the days just blur together.
+It feels like just yesterday I was 19 years old, but here I am almost 3 years later.
+
+You know, it's pathetic, but my only escape from life lately has been coming home from work and playing some singleplayer games or watching anime, just like when I was a young teen. I just wish I could still find comfort in some imaginary person who I fully believe would eventually come ""save"" me, just like I did back then. I feel like I've just become cynical and jaded.
+
+But at work, it's like I'm a completely different person. I have smiles on 24/7, I speak with a happy tone, I crack jokes and laugh, until I have to get away for a few minutes at a time because keeping up this fake, happy persona is just so tiring.
+I really can't do it anymore. I'm at my wits end.
+
+I'm sorry for the big wall of post. I'm not even sure if any of it's readable or comprehensible, I'm not exactly in the best state of mind. I can't wait to wake up in 3 hours for work and hate myself.
+I just want to go to sleep and have an eternal dream that I never wake up from.
+I'll even take going to sleep and just not waking up ever again so all this pain and misery could end. 
+
+The only thing I'd miss is not being able to see the ending of One Piece and not being able to listen to Music that makes me feel like I'm in a different world if I close my eyes and imagine hard enough. I'd also miss one of my friends.
+I've been so proud of him lately, he's an Artist that's been steadily improving over the years. It finally feels like he's starting to find a purpose in himself and his drawings, and he's finally getting the recognition he deserves. I'm so happy for him. I'm not a big impact in his life whatsoever, so even if I were to disappear I don't think it'd make a difference. 
+
+If anyone read this far, Thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to some kid on the internet vent about his problems. I have a quote to share with you all that I've held dear to my heart for years and years now.
+
+""People commit suicide because they think they have no other choice, not because they want to die.
+Every single human being would rather be happy than dead.
+In the end, no one ever really wants to die.""
+",Suicidal
+Google is not helpful what pills r good for suicide or is bleeding out with a needle betterIdk if this is the right community to put this in,Suicidal
+":(i literally cant remember the last time i had a good day. it's been so fcking long and every week, every month it just gets worse, like i cant remember the last time i thought ""im at a better place today than i was yesterday"" theres like no fcking point idk what to do bc i know my mom wouldnt be able to handle it but like i cant do this sht anymore theres no positives to life anymore just negatives every godamn day",Suicidal
+"Things Didn't Get BetterI posted here back in 2015 or 2016. At the time I was living in old trailer in the woods without plumbing or electricity. My only help and transportation to get food or showers was an abusive family member. I'd pinned everything on getting my driver's license and being able to get a job and then improve my life. 
+
+
+I of course failed the driver's exam and was banned from further attempts since my state doesn't allow more than 3 attempts.
+
+
+Today nothing has changed much. I have a job I love but it doesn't pay much but I still can't drive and am helpless and dependent on an abusive relative. They verbally rip me apart and destroy my things. When I stil had to physically go into work they would threaten to withold rides from me, and now that I work from home because of the pandemic, they will make louds calls talking about slurs and rape and things when I'm supposed to be taking calls from customers.
+
+
+Nothing has changed or gotten better. I'm still helpless and abused. I actually developed a brain mass that damaged my vision. I have carpal tunnel or arthritis and have lost all my hobbies (drawing, gaming) as a result. My abusive relative wastes the money I earn--I pay all our bills, they don't work. My brother, the person I loved most in the world, killed himself a year and a half ago. I feel like it's just an inevitability before the abuse drives me to do the same. 
+
+I did manage to live on my own for a year and a half. And I never managed to make friends, except for one person who would not openly be my friend because ""my ex will think we're sleeping together"". What does it say about me that the only person who would willingly be around me will only do so in secret?
+
+I just cant believe how helpless and easily controlled not being able to drive makes you, and there's basically no one way out if you don't have a supportive family or friends to loan you a car and help you practice. Society doesn't care at all that it's basically condemned people to die or live as helpless victims their entire lives. 
+
+I hate this. And I see no way out.",Suicidal
+"Is there any reason to keep going?Is it normal to be excluded from every group? I feel like no one really wanted to know about me. Lately I just really feel like a big void inside my chest you know? My girlfriend passed away at age 16, 3 weeks ago, after this I'm not the same anymore. I want someone to talk. I don't want to end like this. It hurts to know that everyone that I've ever known can't even notice the bad times that I am going through. And now, this quarantine thing, is just making everything worse. I'm not feeling like ending like this. Alone in a dark room. I want to leave a mark on anything, in anyones life. I feel like no one would notice if I just disapeared. Please, I need to talk to somebody! Please!",Suicidal
+"Happy or sad, suicide always seems bestIt was about 9 1/2 years ago that I said ""if I'm not happy with life in 10 years I'm going to kill myself."" I'm getting rather close to my deadline and despite the fact that there are slightly more ""good days"" now than at some points I still have no desire to live.
+
+When I'm happy I just think ""man this would be a good day to end on, everything is going pretty good, and it's definitely gonna go downhill after this."" Then shortly after of course it does, and at that point I enter the more familiar depressive suicidal ideation. And no, that doesn't mean ""it will get better."" It just means that for every month of being depressed I might have a week of reprieve. The reason I set the 10 year timeline was to make sure that it wasn't a fad or a phase, since so many people make that claim.
+
+Unlike a lot of depressed/suicidal people I don't have a lot of the more typical thoughts. I don't feel like ""I can't do anything right"", I don't think that ""nobody cares about me"", I don't think anyone has wronged me, etc. On the contrary I have lots of talents that I feel are going to waste, I have lots of people that care for me which makes the decision to kill myself much more difficult and frustrating, and I have had so many ""blessings"" it seems entitled to throw them away. 
+
+However the modern world and society have absolutely nothing to offer me. There are no jobs that sound marginally appealing, and in fact I've cut back on working so much that I can't even support myself (which adds to my embarrassment/failure). Before when I was working enough, I was so miserable literally 100% of the time that I simply couldn't stand it. Figured it'd be better to be destitute and only sometimes miserable than making decent money and always miserable. I've tried dozens of jobs and quit them anywhere from a few months to a couple years. I see no chance that in 6 months my outlook will change.
+
+What is the point of posting this? I don't know, I guess the same reason anyone else posts. To share my outlook in the hopes that someone else might associate with it. Or maybe someone out there has the exact combination of words to change my mind. Probably not.",Suicidal
+"My brain is not wired to want me to die and it’s fucking horribleMy life is worse than any of yours trust me. I’m the worst 18 year old in the world. Anyone else would’ve died or self harmed by now but here I am, being a stubborn nutcase, too scared of not being in control of life anymore. Killing myself would fix everything and no one else would care, so I don’t have to worry about that. If I had anyone else’s brain, I’d have died ages ago but I’m inherently scared of death. It’s the absolute worst combo; being in the worst situation and having the worst life, but also scared of death. I’ve been like this for so long I’ve gotten used to it, so I’ve been conditioned to be alright with being eternally unhappy and isolated. I want suicidal thoughts. I just fucking want to do it. I dream about it. I hate being alive and everyone else is surprised I’m still here. I just want to wake up with a rewired brain so I can end it.",Suicidal
+"Hanged myself last night.Was having a good night watching anime and drinking vodka, I ran out of vodka then I went to grab beer at the store and asked my sister to watch Netflix, eat pizza, and drinking beer with me. It was a fun night, then she put me to bed, I sat there in my bed, ended up crying. Then I decided to do it. I messaged my mom, ""I love you tell (sister) not to blame herself. Bye."" she replied with, ""I wish you would stop this."" I grabbed my joggers made a knot at the end so it tied together and put it on the door and closed it. I then climbed on a chair and put my joggers twice around my neck and kicked the chair away. My sister was still up and heard the chair so she checked on me. I was probably hanging for a minute by then. She let me down and I put up a fight, begged her to let me die, and did some ufc moves so I couldn't move. She ended up calling 911 and they came handcuffed me took me to the emerge. I slept, ate breakfast and lunch, talked to a shrink who I convinced to let me out, making sure I come to see a counsellor there tomorrow morning, ask to be admitted in the psych if I wanted. Now I'm home apologized to my sister for fighting her and asked her to forgive me. ",Suicidal
+"Missed my chance. Now what ?I had planned to sneak out of my home , borrow the car, and take a drive for 2 hours to a cliff face not far away. When the time came I could not muster the courage to do this so stayed at home. Now my options have become very limited. I can only hang myself or jump in front of a train. I cannot stay around into October. I must find a way out. I had my chance and blew it. I am so disappointed in myself. Partial suspension seems the 'painless' way out but I have not had any success in achieving unconsciousness from test runs. Short drop looks the only way to go but will be very uncomfortable for an unknown amount of time. I don't want to jump in front of a train as it will mean involving innocent people which I do not want. I am hurting, I am fed up of taking medication from doctors that don't work. I just want out. ",Suicidal
+"From a hypocrite, to all of you: A GREAT SONG!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an9DoVBHHr8",Suicidal
+"I made a list**Reasons not to kill myself**
+
+>My existence improves the lives of family, friends and acquaintances --- even if the improvement is subtle.
+
+> No parent should have to bury their child.
+
+My suicide would cause these people grief. This is the main factor holding me back. On the other hand, this is my life and the feelings of others shouldn't necessarily deter me from ending it given the magnitude of suffering. I won't care about the feelings of those I've been close to after I'm dead.
+
+>The Little Things in Life (TM).
+
+The decision of whether or not to live really comes down to whether or not the sum of my experiences (not the right word, really, but I can't think of the proper substitute) is positive. Sources of small happiness count toward this, too. 
+
+    life.big_things + life.little_things >= 0    
+
+>It's still possible that my net happiness will eventually outweigh my net suffering.
+
+Counterargument to the above. Waiting to see if this turns out to be the case would be the most rational option. I would have plenty of time to experience nothingness after my natural lifespan has expired. However, given the treatment-resistant nature of my depression and anxiety, as well as my family history, it seems unlikely that I'll ever fully recover. 
+
+>I haven't yet listened to all of the music/seen all of the films/read all of the books that I would like to.
+
+On to the section of the list where I rattle off things that I haven't done yet. Of course, these could all be negated by the argument that I won't give a shit after I die.
+
+> I've never created a satisfactory work of art.
+
+Attempts tend to result in frustration rather than catharsis.
+
+> I haven't tried all of the drugs that I'm interested in.
+
+Feel free to judge me. It's kind of sad that this one is on the list, in retrospect.
+
+> I have never been in a romantic relationship lasting longer than a week.
+
+> I have never had sex.
+
+These are, depending on who you ask, major parts of life that I would be missing out on.
+
+> I have never been in a band.
+
+> I haven't fully explored my gender identity yet.
+
+> Though I'm no longer in class, I haven't yet technically graduated from high school.
+
+> It's still possible that a college I would like to attend will accept me.
+
+> I have not had the ""college experience"".
+
+> I have never traveled the world.
+
+> I have not satisfied my desire for knowledge.
+
+> They're making a third season of Twin Peaks.
+
+Again, I can dismiss all of these easily.
+
+
+
+**Bonus**
+
+> People will think I've done it over something trivial.
+
+My recent rejection from my top choice college. Or Valentine's Day, which I don't even care about. I won't care what people think if I'm dead, though, so this doesn't really matter.
+
+At this point I'm leaning towards doing it.",Suicidal
+"I want to kill myself but I don’t know how to get the materials I need because I am 14.I have read about easy and effective ways to kill yourself, but for the most part, they all involve materials that I won’t be able to get. I have thought about using fentanyl and possibly a gun because they seem to be the least painful way to die but I’m still scared. I have also thought about sleeping pills but have heard it’s unluckily that you actually die off of them, and would most likely wake up with lasting consequences. Thoughts?",Suicidal
+I just want to die cz I have forgotten how to liveI am always crying idk from where this pain comes in n I just cry . My bf broke up with me n I m cryin eveyday it's been 25 days. I think I have lost myself n idk what to do anymore I try to stay strong but then I just loose it. I hav no friends no job. I have no love in my life anymore even tho it was abusive but I had someone. I m a negative person jealous ugly and that's y he left me too. Idk y my mother doesnt let me die. I dont want to live anymore . Idk how to kill myself. I cant swim so I should drown myself but cz of corona I cant go anywhere atm. I m a failure,Suicidal
+"I've decidedThat within a year I'll either get rid of my smartphone for good or shoot myself. 
+
+
+I know that sounds like a joke but I'm dead serious. I have a ruger. 
+
+
+These things have ruined not only my life but society in general. And we're all so brainwashed into thinking we NEED them and if we don't give one to our underage children then we're bad parents...
+
+
+Seriously I've had people tell me I'm making my son an outcast and he's going to hate me. Because I won't give him a powerfully addictive life waster. Because having a phone in his face constantly won't ruin him socially.
+
+
+ There's no such thing as privacy anymore.
+People share the most dreadfully mundane aspects of their lives with literally the entire world. 
+
+
+They do God-awful stupid things for internet points. Lick an ice cream at the store and put it back. Throw a chair out the window and several stories down into traffic. Why not if strangers give you temporary validation. 
+
+
+No one leaves their social media echo chambers. You can't disagree or have rational debate anymore and it's put my country on the verge of civil war. 
+
+
+The individual revolution and it's consequences have been a disaster for mankind. 
+
+
+I don't sleep good because of this thing. I don't read or make art anymore because who gives a shit about meaning beauty when you've got buzzfeed's latest top 10 yassss queen stupid bullshit listicle. 
+
+
+I did, ironically enough use it to buy a half acre in the middle of nowhere and a ton of books on off grid living.
+
+ I think the next purchase I make on this phone will be an old school, no-internet, Nokia. 
+
+Because if not, I am going to blow my fucking brains out and I don't think that's too unreasonable at this point.",Suicidal
+"Not sure what to do about my futureI'm going to try to not make this post too long because long posts are tedious, but, I really could use at the very least someone relating to my life situation right now.
+
+​
+
+I'm currently 16 and i'm a little over halfway through high school, and I really do not know how I am possibly going to graduate. I am failing about 3 out of 7 classes right now, surprisingly passing a few of them, and I failed 3 classes last semester while just barely passing the other ones. Suffice it to say, school is one of the main roots of my severe depression and apathy towards life. I simply cannot get through it. I have skipped so many days this year just because the sheer act of getting up and going to that damn building is just too miserable of a thought, not to mention the homework and all that nonsense. I just can't do it.
+
+My current 'schedule' consists of 1. waking up as late as possible, 2. going to school and just trying to pass the time however I can until I get home so I can sleep, 3. eat too much food, 4. go to sleep and repeat the next day. I don't have any friends and my mom is about as unsupportive as can be (not to get started on my dad but he's not in the picture). She has this aspiration that i WILL and HAVE to go to college but at this point I know I will 100 percent either just kill myself or drop out if I do that. People say they give a shit about you, but that's only when it's convenient or when it makes them feel better about themselves. And the worst part is, I'm the same way. This is a facet of my life that has been a constant goddamn blemish on what little social skills I have. I don't know exactly what it is, but I honestly do not have the ability to empathize with others. I can't relate to anyone's emotions, and I don't feel them like anyone I've ever met. I don't have the mere capacity for regular human empathy, if that makes sense. That's another post in of itself but it's.. it's just shitty.
+
+At this crosspoint, I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything takes too much fucking energy and no one gives a shit about me.
+
+This is sort of related but I am also gay. Have known since I was about 10 and that is also another thing I 100 percent wish I could just delete from myself. I don't really feel 'lonely' as being around other people period is something I avoid at all costs, but, I just know that even if I ever wanted to be in a relationship, my dating pool is drastically smaller. Not to mention I am physically extremely ugly. 
+
+I may get a job this summer, but I don't even know if I'll be able to do that. My only options I can even see at this point are to just a get a job and save up for a van or some shit so I can just live out of that when I evidently don't graduate high school because I'm a massive failure OR just jump into moving traffic because there is no goddamn way I am going to stay living with my mother when high school is or isn't over. Either way, my main goal is to just get away from where I am now because I really, really, really just CRAVE independence. That's about what it all boils down to, I am beyond unhappy with every aspect of my life and I feel like I have no control or angency over fuckall. I want my own money, I want my own place to live, I want a decent group of friends I can be happy hanging out with or something without school or my mom breathing down my neck waiting for my next move.
+
+The last part at the end got a little bit venty, but I hope someone here can either relate or provide some decent advice. Either way, appreciated.",Suicidal
+"I fantasize killing myself all the time..I take the pills. Who knows how many I am swallowing. I fall to the ground. Dead. My mother finds me a few hours later. Cold and dead. Everyone finds out at school the next day. I wonder if my ex cares if I’m dead. 
+
+I hate these thoughts. I want to end it all so badly but I can’t because my mom would be devastated. She’s already had a rough life. I can’t make her go though my suicide. I miss my ex. I feel like a worthless piece of shit. :/",Suicidal
+"I want the aliens to get me out of here.So, life is shit for me, constant pain, no energy, meds won't work. Don't like the world, don't like the big religions that are fucking it up, don't like the wars. Don't like not liking life.
+
+Where are the aliens I ask? I don't want to kill myself, who knows what the fuck death is, but I want to get the fuck off this planet, asap.",Suicidal
+Can I please talk to someone?forget it,Suicidal
+"¡ i feel like shit ! help meI'm an awful human being and I don't deserve to live. I get mad over my things, my life. I throw and hit things when I'm mad. I release my frustrations through that until I get what I want. I feel like a brat but i was never spoiled.
+
+I don't want to be this kind of person. I have a lot of things on my mind that come every now and then for years that make me, i wouldn't say depressed since i have not been diagnosed, sad.
+
+I just want to hit myself, kill myself, but i can't seem to do it. It's always me looking for ways and not actually going through with it.
+
+My friends don't know these things about me. I don't want to be this kind of person. I want to change. I want help. But life sucks.
+
+I can't afford therapy and I don't want my parents finding out even if i could.
+
+Idk maybe i'm acting out again because the holidays are near? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the holidays but the worst things have happened during. I just want to get it over with i guess.
+
+Anyway, if you've made it this far reading this, thank you. Sometimes, i just want to be heard. Feel free to comment and drag me.",Suicidal
+"Multiple plastic bags ...Is it possible to be ""successful"" if you use 3 garbage bags, tightly bound, each with its own binding or tape, so that IF you tear the first bag, you might not tear the second before becoming unconscious?
+
+Also, can getting REALLY DRUNK first help with this?
+
+What about adding in some sleeping pills, plus alcohol, plus 3 bags - and wait to ""bag"" until near the point of passing out from the alcohol and pills?",Suicidal
+"How do I offer support to someone who is suicidal while also suicidal myself?I've recently moved in with two of my closest friends and their 2 year old aon. I was in a situation where my mental health was being destroyed and these guys brought me into their family with the warmest embrace I have ever known.
+
+I am suicidal. I have been more often than not in my life. They know this but its not something I like to talk about often nor am I a risk right now.
+
+But I don't know how to handle this next bit appropriately.
+
+See, one of them is also suicidal right now. Heavily abused growing up, he's never quite recovered - he's for the most part suppressed his feelings and worked his ass off like a boss. A total technology wizard. Blows my mind all the time with his creativity and the works.
+
+He's been lashing out at his wife lately. Like, outbursts of emotion - accusing her of not giving him a honest answer because her tone was off, or that she is secretly laughing at him for being stupid.
+
+It is recognizable as projecting and not being able to make certain connections in his mind right now. Both me and her know this.
+
+But I lost my temper the other day as he was berating the most patient woman I have ever seen. I told him that it wasn't okay to speak to her like that. The night progressed and as we know dark spirals do - his words were of despair, self loathing, hopelessness and us being better off if he died. 
+
+And nothing we said brought him peace.
+
+And I probably said all the exact wrong things than suggested when talking to a suicidal person. I was and am at a lost.
+
+I relate to his pain. With therapy I now recognize that those dark truths aren't the only truths for us yet I am also feeling those feelings of self hate and worthlessness. All my words of support feel hallow and untrue and we both know it.
+
+So how do I go about giving the best support I can to this human who wants to die while also being suicidal myself?",Suicidal
+"I've just about had it.Life is short. Too short to be meaningful. Is the majority of the time being pain even worth it for the good times? I say no. I say it's all a sham. I was born into this world with no say in the matter and then I'm emotionally blackmailed into staying. I have a zip gun sitting in my lap ready for when I decide I'm ready. That may not be today. May not even be this week. I don't know. I just want to be at peace. My mind is a tumultuous and toxic place for me and I can't stand it anymore. Even if I don't use it now I have it for later. I've already decided I'm going out on my own terms, just a matter of when. I'm stuck living a life incapable of keeping a job due to disability but also incapable of making myself go get aid. I'm failing at every aspect of adult life and I don't know if I can succeed even if I try. It's highly unlikely. I'm so ready to just leave this place. At this point I can't go through with it until it just becomes too much. There are too many people who I will hurt in the process. I don't want to make people hurt but at the same time I also don't want to hurt.",Suicidal
+"No one cares about meI don’t bother to hide my mental illness, because I’m an adult and I think it’s important that people know that this is what it looks like. Also I think it’s bullshit that I should have to put in all this extra effort to pretend I’m happy just for other people so they don’t have to feel uncomfortable by my existence.
+
+Anyways the point is everyone I know knows I’m suicidal and no one gives a shit. They send me a text telling me how much they care about me but if I actually respond they start ignoring me pretty quickly. No one wants to deal with me and I agree that they shouldn’t have to. I’m so fucking lonely. I could’ve killed myself days ago and no one would have noticed yet. Seeing pictures of everyone I know having fun together while I sit in the dark alone just proves that it wouldn’t matter if I was gone. If anything it’d just make things better because no one would have to put in the token attempt at pretending to care if I die. I don’t know why I haven’t done it yet.",Suicidal
+"I've considered suicide, but realized it would only make things worse.I'm an older teenager, and things have been going pretty damn rough for me lately, and have been for quite a while.
+
+I've never wanted to endure the pain of dying, but I considered jumping into oncoming traffic or overdosing on pills a week ago. 
+
+But I realized it would only make things worse. I still have some chance to get what I want in life and to have fun. Plus, I don't want to look down at my lifeless body and not be able to interact with the world anymore. 
+
+Just wanted to get that out ",Suicidal
+"My girlfriend tried to commit suicide, I stopped her.I don't know what to say, it's that, I'm not thinking of suicide but i just want ti know what I can do. My girlfriend has a disorder close to bipolar syndrome, but I think this was the worst it ever got. I just don't know what to do...",Suicidal
+just wish i was wantedi just wish i was wanted by someone and someone's first choice. i never will be.,Suicidal
+"I think I saved somebody's life tonight SWI was chatting to a friend of a friend on facebook chat this evening started telling her of all my mediocre problems. She listened and helped. In return I promised to listen to her story and I tried to make her think positively just like she did with me.  I promised her I would do all I could to help but as she told me she was contemplating ""the 's' word"" but only for our small, not hugely personal conversation, she would have killed herself. As I write I'm still talking to her, shit scared what to say but know that as a result of my action I saved a life. I beg of anyone reading this, 10-20 minutes of your time can honestly save a life. I created this account to help solely on SW. 
+
+",Suicidal
+"I’m terrible at literally everythingThere’s no reason for me to be alive. I’m complete garbage at anything I try to do. I suck at talking to people, doing good in school, and even playing video games online. I used to really enjoy playing games on my computer. I no longer enjoy playing them now. It feels mentally draining to play them. Even when I try my best, I’m still shit at them and I’m even told so by others online. I just watch videos on youtube now and occasionally play a game on my phone or something to distract myself from wanting to die every second of the day. 
+
+I really wish that I was someone else. I can’t ever do anything right and I disappoint so many people. I’m easily replaceable. If I’m ever gone, there will always be someone that can do what I do much better than I can. If only there was a painless suicide method
+",Suicidal
+"Starvation : A plan that you can always take backThese are exceptional times. The current situation has changed all of our lives worldwide, and mine is particularly affected. 
+
+I have become stuck away from my home country. I found a job here. I know no one here. I am all alone....
+
+At least this is what I thought. I found someone. They made me feel complete, heard, and cared about. Now, tonight, they have told me that they do not and will never love me. 
+
+I have been in this country for six months, and I must continue to work. 
+
+I have elected to start a starvation regimen. 
+
+As the world slowly eats itself away, so too will I and my relentless recurring act of loving people who cannot love me. 
+
+The beauty of this is that I can always take action. I can change my path. I am in control. Right now, though, I plan for the ultimate self control and determination to give myself some dignity in these last moments.
+
+I sense that many of you are loving people, and I am so proud to know that you exist.",Suicidal
+I just can't deal with life anymoreI've been thinking about suicide fora long while now. I just can't deal with my life anymore. I've never been treated right even once. I just can't handle it anymore.,Suicidal
+Need a woman to talk toPetty I know.. guess it stems from my issues with my parents. ,Suicidal
+"It would be kinder to everyone to just end it, why can’t I do it?I know I would be better off dead. I have nothing to offer the world, no redeeming qualities, nothing to live for. My family doesn’t have anything to do with me. My sister was my best friend and she has cut me off. I just started a new job and I suck at it, so they wouldn’t miss me there. I have no friends. My divorce was just finalized and my ex would be relieved if I was gone. He hates and resents me. 
+
+I have absolutely no reason to live, but I can’t bring myself to pull the trigger, so to speak. Why???  I don’t want to cling to life, I WANT to go!  I want to rest, I want peace!  I am just a coward. ",Suicidal
+"because i’m fat...that’s the only reasoni don’t think i’m depressed, at least not organically. but suicide due to incurable obesity makes sense. the literature is in and says it’s basically impossible to lose weight and keep it off, and this matches 20 years of my experience at trying. i don’t want gastric bypass. they don’t work half the time anyway. ",Suicidal
+"What’s the best thing to say in a suicide letterI already know that I’m gonna lie about a lot of things. Gonna say stuff like “you were always there for me” stuff like that. What’s some specific things I can say to make it slightly easier on them?
+
+Also I don’t want them feeling guilty. Would it be a good idea to bring it up like “ppl usually feel guilty when this happens, but I don’t hold you accountable and don’t think u should feel guilty, etc” or would that make them think that I actually do hold them accountable and that I’m lying",Suicidal
+"Anybody want to talk?Just kind of sick of it all. It’s hard to keep going, working a few jobs with chronic illness is tough. I just want to sleep and rest all day. But I have to make money to pay bills. All aspects of my life suck. I have nothing going for me. I know that things CAN get better, but that could take years. Just feel like breaking down right now. ",Suicidal
+"Despite my life being pretty awesome on the outside, I deeply deeply want to dieThis is my first throwaway. Thank you for listening and please understand that I lead kind of a queer life (you'll see).
+
+I have been terribly depressed since around age 14 (age 20 now), along with some anxiety problems, including a phobia. Though I feel the depression acutely almost every day, I also understand that on the outside my life is awesome: I go to college, have my own place with some friends, am in a great and non-monogamous relationship with a really quality guy (he works with children), and I have a pretty good-paying job in my future field. I have only seriously contemplated suicide a couple of times, and I think the last time was in high school, though I don't remember why.
+
+Two years or so ago, I came out to myself as transgender. Since then, I have been slowly socially transitioning, and the result has mostly been positive and has helped me feel more comfortable with myself. Most of my friends now accept me as a regular guy, including my boss and coworkers. However, the day-to-day grind of feeling deeply uncomfortable with my body really wears me down, and the few reactions of disgust or disapproval, depending on who they come from, can really really really hurt. Just had to deal with this today: a friend who I thought I could trust very politely told me that she is ""conservative about these sorts of things,"" pretty much meaning that she thinks transgender people are somehow ""wrong"" and I am actually devastated. Random strangers being dicks just make me feel disdain, but when friends do it I wonder what other thoughts about my gender people are hiding.
+
+Around October of '12, I began to get sick of my depression. I was bored of letting it define me, disappointed that I often did not have the energy to do my schoolwork, and it hurt my boyfriend's feelings that I slept all the time instead of spending quality time with him. I went to go see a doctor, who prescribed me Zoloft, and I have been taking a relatively low dose since. It helps my anxiety a LOT, but it has barely touched my depression. Recently-ish I fucked up remembering to take it, but it was a catch 22 because my sex drive came back (and the lack thereof had been causing relationship stress). I am back on it again but I'm probably gonna need to go back to the doctor so she can help me experiment more to figure out what's right for me.
+
+This weekend was really hard: my boyfriend was out of town, so on Friday I slept alone which was nice because I sleep like a starfish but also really lonely, and the next night my friend and sometimes lover A slept over, which was very enjoyable. That same night, though, I was forced to deal with my phobia in a big way, and so as not to look bad in front of my lady friend, I chose to try to swallow my multiple panic attacks for the most part. She left in the morning and later in the day Boyfriend came home from his trip, and we immediately got into a huge fight about irrelevant stuff. I guess when I say it like that it doesn't sound very stressful, but this is also on top of housemate drama, a complete lack of energy, new work responsibilities, etc.
+
+For the first time in a very long time, I find myself thinking things like, ""Well, I don't have to do this homework because tomorrow I'll be dead"" or ""I wonder who they're gonna get to do this at work after I'm gone."" Sunday night I was very very serious about curling up in the snow and freezing to death (I live in the most Canadian part of America), but the weather was actually too warm.
+
+To deal with these feelings, I like to get new piercings. I can feel pain in a way that is constructive (instead of just the usual self-harm), I make my body more like I want it to be, and I have something to keep track of and take care of as it heals. I got two new piercings Monday (numbers five and six) and it calmed me down for only like, five hours. So basically it didn't help like it has in the past.
+
+I managed to type this out pretty calmly and everything, but I am so desperate here. I really don't want to hurt the people who love me, but I really really can't go on living. I have absolutely no energy, have been doing the bare minimum in classes (when I even go), and have really been straining my relationships with my constant bouncing between clingy neediness and outbursts. I sleep more than 12 hours on most days, but always feel too completely exhausted to function. After six years with maybe only 3 months total of ""remission,"" I feel completely hopeless about the possibility of ever feeling happy or even normal. Over the 7 years that I've been depressed, I learned some ways of dealing with it, but none of them are working. I'm just totally at a loss of what to do.",Suicidal
+"I feel even more suicidal when I try to liveSometimes I try to get out of my comfort zone to do something but my efforts always ends with failure. And I cannot handle failure anymore. I cannot handle my mediocrity. I've been close  to my breaking point for the last of couple years but I feel like I'm pretty much here at this point. There is not a way out anymore.  
+  
+I am done.",Suicidal
+"Please helpOrangelawn
+
+Is there a country i can go to that i might be able to scrape out a living for myself?
+
+If i stay in this country (america)I have 700 dollars/month disability income and im 100,000 dollars in debt. I have a previous criminal record and feel like i have no options here.
+
+If i have to be homeless where is the best place to go? Im almost 40..i have chronic and severe heart problems and lung problems that i take meds for and have all kinds of specialist doctors and have not physically been able to work for 5 years now. I also have a history of severe depression. I have to leave because my abusive dad is coming back to this house to live with my mom after being gone for 20 years. Ive decided if it kills me im just going to do any work i can until i die.
+
+Yes ive seriously thought of suicide TRUST ME but after nearly dying a few times it changed my mind. I would like to find a way to live and this group....ppl understand real problems.
+
+Any suggestions please share i really appreciate it and need advice. Any sub reddits or anything that could help. Thnk u.
+
+",Suicidal
+"I hate talking about it so much, but I don't know what else.I have so much wrong with me, I'm so alone, and have been like that for so long, my entire life actually. 
+
+The only times people acknowledged was when I had panic attacks, cried, or was on the verge of suicide, and even at those times, barely. 
+
+I have no one to talk to, no one I can trust, I hate talking about myself because it always makes me look like a troll or a beggar or overall a ''bad'' person. 
+
+When I reach a certain condition, I deplete my bank account, and spending money gives me some sort of satisfaction, I don't earn much at all, and my disability prevents me from getting a normal job. 
+
+I know I will kill myself, I know no one will acknowledge me, I know that posting this will only get me judged even more, I don't even know why I'm doing this, maybe I'm desperate for any attention, even if it's negative, never knew much else.
+
+This is just horrible.
+
+",Suicidal
+"Nobody likes me, I abhor myself, and I'm a complete failureGod, I just hate myself so damn much, I'm just such a complete waste of life. I'm lazy, im cynical, I'm useless, I'm worthless, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm pathetic, and I'm just a laughable excuse for a human being. You'd think that even if you hated yourself, there would be people out there who still liked you, but that hasn't been the case for the most part. I have ONE person who cares about me, and while I love them and appreciate them, I don't want to constantly bombard them with all my negativity and depression. I have no one to turn to. Nobody at school gives a single fuck about me, so I'm completely on my own. I just don't know why I can't have what everyone else has. Like, I look around and I see all these people laughing and talking to each other, just having an all around great time, but nobody ever even looks at me. Even when I initiate and listen to other people and support others, nobody could give a single fuck about me, nobody even asks me how I'm doing. Like, what do these other people have that I don't? I can make jokes, I can talk, I can listen, yet nobody ever goes out of their way to talk to me. If I'm not the one doing everything, then I'm basically a fucking ghost to everyone. I HATE that I'm so worthless, forgetable, and disposable to everyone around me. Its one thing to think that about yourself, but its even worse when your suspicians are basically confirmed. God, I hate it when people say ""if you like yourself, so will others,"" its complete crap. I know this because even when I DO like myself and I'm at peace, people still don't give a single fuck about me. Am I just an asshole? Like is it one of those cases where if everyone is being shitty, you're the shitty one? I don't understand, why do I have to put in so much effort for people to even remember I fucking exist when all these other people have everyone flocking around them, with tons of friends, and probably a girlfriend/boyfriend too. I mean, am I really such a boring asshole that nobody even bothers to aknowledge my existance, assuming they even remember I exist? I always try to make other people happy if I can, but nobody does the same for me, and its exhausting. I just want to feel WANTED by the people around me, why is that so difficult? I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions but Im so damn confused. ",Suicidal
+drunk againmy alcoholism is actually coming back. i once stopped but now i need to feel somthing other than anxiety and depression. if this is what adult hood was gonna be like i would of ended it before i got out of hs. The pain will only stop when i stop. i think by the end of the week i might do somthing drastic or im just rambling for attention now. but i have been thinking about it a lot lately.,Suicidal
+"I accidentally added fuel to a rumor about myself by admitting it is somewhat true. I don't want to be here anymore.I was trying to apologize for what I did when I admitted to doing something really gross in class one day. I don't want to talk about what I did, if you don't mind..
+
+The stress is too much. My therapist is shitty and my mom is judgy, so I have no one to talk to.",Suicidal
+"NothingnessI wonder what it's like after death. Is it eternal darkness still retaining consciousness, or is it just non-existence, a feeling of ease and no pain or suffering. Just nothing. Not being able to pass the time, not being able to comprehend thought or even knowing you're dead. Just pure utter nothingness
+
+That sounds like bliss",Suicidal
+Suicide has to be the only thing that make my 30th birthday a day to be happyI begged for help begged to be locked up asked to be put in a jail cell many times. I'm going to end the pain soon. No one locking me in bondage have no security no one to talk to no one who wants me ,Suicidal
+"Why do I want this?I want to kill myself. But it’s for a couple reasons. One is I’m so sick of the crap I’m going through. The second is because I want those who hurt me to suffer as I have suffered. I don’t know why, but I know that last one is the only reason I haven’t yet. Cause I don’t know if I can watch them suffer. I don’t know if they’ll even care. I don’t even know who will notice. ",Suicidal
+"I just took 720 MG of Fluoxetine.Truthfully, I'm not expecting much - I've overdosed on this medication in the past, and experienced no ill effects. However, I've never taken the amount that I just took, so... I'm a bit frightened. I'm not expecting to die, but I'm also not expecting to come out of this completely unscathed.",Suicidal
+"She wrote goodbye.She just posted this. She wrote about being deeply depressed a few months back. Is there anything anyone can do.
+
+[https://www.reddit.com/r/Faces/comments/8wgghn/love\_you\_guys\_goodbye/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Faces/comments/8wgghn/love_you_guys_goodbye/)",Suicidal
+I want to die in my sleepAll I do is cry when I’m not at work. Just lay in bed and sob. I miss my ex boyfriend. I thought he was interested in getting back together with me. He’d flirt and now he’s leaving me hanging. I have no friends. My parents are not doing well health wise and I don’t have any siblings or extended family. I am useless and I am no one. The only way out of this depression is death.,Suicidal
+Someone helpPLease make it stop... I cant ... i dont want this pain... constant numb ppain.. i cant take it anymore... enough,Suicidal
+"I keep going back and forthNo matter how much my life gets better I keep leaning towards suicide. I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the opportunities I've been given but I just wanna die. I love my family and my friends but recently I feel like I'm not meant for this world no matter what happens. I feel selfish for thinking these things as people around the world are in terrible situations but I think that I'm not meant for this place and have done my time. I don't know what to do because medication doesn't work. I'm in high school and people say its stressful but I don't think I can do this. I'm a fucking bitch to people so who the fuck would even miss me other than my family. I talk shit and can't handle the comments back like an idiot. I'm constantly lying to others, I refuse to eat nice food, I'm just an asshole. I'm so young but I have been given so much bad news in my life already and was diagnosed with a rare form of fibromyalgia called amplified musculoskeletal pain syndrome (AMPS) and I'm in the 5% where the ridiculously expensive treatment didn't work. I'm tired of mentally and physically being in pain and don't know what to do. Help me please.",Suicidal
+Self DestructionGot saved from my 2nd suicide attempt in 8 years. I drink a lot and smoke in hopes that if I don’t have the guts to kill myself my body will give out on me. It’s only a matter of time.,Suicidal
+"Every night I think about doing it. Every night, the list of reasons not to gets smaller.I’m so lonely, I’m directionless, I have no goals in life. I’m sick of feeling like I’m just floating through each day just to get through work and go home, have a drink or two, and then go to sleep, and repeat it the next day. Last time I got to this point, I imagined the notes I’d write to the people I think are close to me. Now I’m imagining who I’d want to see one last time. Wonder what it’ll be next time... if there even is one...",Suicidal
+"I’m at a lossI kind of came on here hoping to find a subreddit of how to you know, kill yourself. As much as I really see no other option, I feel like I don’t know enough about it, and I’m scared to go through with it. What if I suck at that too, and mess it up. But instead I found a whole bunch of people who feel the same way. Different ages, stories, and paths, yet we all share this one stupid thing. What am I supposed to do? The common thing I’ve read is to just keep pushing. Towards what? A sliver of improvement? Every time I swear I have gotten past this thing, I just end up right back here. I’ve isolated myself hoping it’ll force me to not be so needy and just fix myself, but idek if it was such a good idea? The first 15 posts I’ve seen were on how investing the feeling of loneliness is. I feel like I feel too much, and I’m too aware of where I fall short. I just feel like a burden to people, and to everyone else, just insignificant. I feel like I do everything to fight this feeling too. Everything they say “should help”. I’ve been belligerently positive for a while, yet I’m still back here. Is this what I should expect for the rest of my life ? ",Suicidal
+"Just in a dark placeThe only girl I’ve ever really talked to, and the only one I’ve ever liked moved away to New Zealand for 6 months to attend a bible college (which I didn’t think would be a big deal because I had to move away until like September or October), with the last 3 of her journey being on an outreach in some under development country where there will be no internet, communication was here and there because of the time difference and because of our schedules...until the past few days the internet there went out for like the 5th time and it’s been out for 3 days...I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but it’s just been eating away with me...I just miss her and talking to her so much, I’m just so lonely as i moved away from home in NJ to Arizona, I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently. I just turned 18 on Friday and I’m playing pro baseball which is my life long dream and I had been playing good until recently when I just can’t shake my off the field problems and have been struggling horribly...I should be loving life, but it’s just not there and I just feel like I have no one to talk to",Suicidal
+:(I’m drunk and I think I’m gonna chug this bottle of rum. It hurts so much,Suicidal
+"Just need to vent a littleSuicide has been on my mind a lot. It seems so easy. The world is a cruel place, I don't envision it getting much better. My life sucks right now, and it probably will for a long time. To other people I'm always loud and smiling and laughing but inside I feel like I'm living a lie. My parents, well they are not good people. Not abusive, but my mom is a bipolar bitch and my dad is a lazy douchebag. My stepdad is just an asshole. My friends, most of them are pretty fake to me. None of them really know me and I have no intention of opening up. I feel pretty unmotivated about doing anything, schoolwork seems more like a waste of time than anything else these days. The only thing that truly keeps me from ending it all, when things get really bad and I'm laying in bed in a huge bout of depression (it is on and off, sometimes it gets to me hard) is willpower/insanity? There's always a voice in my head scolding me about being weak and selfish. How dare I allow the cruel thing that is life to defeat me? Am I so selfish as to not even consider the effect it would have an the people around me, even if I don't like them? It brings me right out of it for a while. But lately it seems like that voice is getting weaker and weaker, while dark thoughts are getting more and more desirable. I don't know why I'm posting, I don't feel as if I'm in any immediate danger of killing myself. I guess I just needed to get this shit off my chest",Suicidal
+"How do I tell my husband?Firstly, I am not suicidal. I hope it's ok to post here still. 
+
+I've struggled with self harm in the past, cutting particularly. 
+
+Life is hard. My husband and I have been married 6 months and right before the wedding we moved across country, from Washington to New York for his work. I still haven't found a job. I hate it here. I hate the pace, I hate the traffic. I have almost no friends. I miss my family. I'm constantly getting rejected for jobs and it makes me feel like crap. I'm so lonely it hurts. 
+
+I feel too guilty to go out and do things because I'm not earning any money, even though he is adamant it's all our money and I shouldn't feel guilty spending it. 
+
+My thoughts keep going back to self harm. I want to try to beat it but it's often all I think about. 
+
+How do I tell my husband? I don't want him to worry too much in addition to his job. I don't know how to say it... ",Suicidal
+I need help getting though todayI am having severe physical pain (on-going chronic illness that doctors can't fix) and horrible depression and just don't want to be alive anymore. I'm struggling to find housing so I don't have to stay with my abusive spouse anymore but was told it would be 6 months to a year to get housing assistance. I'm unable to work because of physical disabilities so I have no income & about 40K in debt.,Suicidal
+"I feel like I just snapped last nightI haven't had any suicidal thought in quite some times. Live was okay, bearable. But lately I think I just have been pretty overwhelmed, and depression came back. 
+
+I've once told myself that art is the one thing that makes me worth something in life, and without it I meant nothing. I've been pushed to consider dropping it, and in addition I just felt like I've peaked and I won't be any better. So what else that would make my life worth living? 
+
+Even if I did managed to move and settle down in Canada, have a better life, etc, I don't know if that life is worth living if I don't feel like I have any purpose. Maybe my problem is mild compared to others, I just forgot how horrible it is to be depressed and suicidal again.",Suicidal
+"For those contemplating suicide, and want help. I’m here.I’ve realized now, that it’s important to embrace who you are and what you deal with. For too long i have tried to hide who i really am, and what i really feel, afraid of others looking at me as weak. For years now, i have dealt with serious thoughts of suicide, from a simple lack of motivation to live. Just last week i held a loaded gun to my head, praying for god to give me the strength to shoot. I am saying this to emphasize the point that, mental health is not a joke. It is not easy for someone like me to get up everyday with no real motivation to live. For a long time, i thought i felt this way because of breakups, or financial struggles, but i know now that is not the case. I felt the way i did, because i was afraid to be honest and open. I would sit at home and think about death, then go out in public and pretend nothing was wrong. All the while, making the situation worse. So now i am making an attempt to be open, hoping that this will relieve me of these thoughts, and allow me to be happy again.
+Recently my girl friend, my life, my girl... all of a sudden broke up with me. I wasn’t expecting it at all, so it broke me completely. I am the type of person who has never seen value in living for myself, so the thought of losing her, was the same as losing my life. I wasn’t perfect in the relationship, i definitely made serious mistakes. but I loved her. and I thought that together we would conquer the world. This is all i wanted. but when she broke up with me, i felt empty. I felt the same way i did before i met her. I lost my motivation to live. I lost my will to fight, i wanted to die. I tried for weeks and weeks to just make her notice me again, make her love me again, and nothing worked. Nothing i did made her want to be with me again. So i ended up, in my bathroom, Beretta 92fs cocked and loaded, pointed to my head, ready to die. With my finger on the trigger i smiled as i finally felt i would be happy. Then something stopped me. Unable to shoot, i cried until my sister came and took the gun away. The next day, i got up and went to work, pretending to be okay, when a random guy, i had never met before walked up behind me. This guy patted me on the back and said “life is worth living.” 
+
+I’m sorry if my thoughts seemed jumbled but I am still trying to make sense of everything. How does a random guy, come up to me and make such a powerful statement? What made him choose me, out of the 30+ people in the room?
+
+I don’t know, but that one statement saved my life. That one statement is inspiring this message, and inspiring me to live. I haven’t been able to find what i am living for, but i know i have a purpose. So if you happen to be struggling like i am, please know that things will get better. Winter can’t last forever, and Spring is coming. and If you fall, land on your back, because if you can see up, you can get up. Remember that. 
+
+I don’t know if this will help, but we can’t do this alone, but together we can. ",Suicidal
+"If only i had a gunHello everyone, i am about to write down here what i have been saying in my head for so much time. I want to kill myself, and if i had a gun, i would be dead already. I am afraid of feeling pain before dying, thats why i need a gun tbh. I've also considered shocking myself with wires but you dont die instantly from that, do you ? I'm a 17 years old french guy that just dont feel the whole purpose of life. I feel like life is simply not for me, hapiness for me pretty much only depends on other humans, and i dont feel any of this 99,9% of the time. I dont understand what should i keep on staying alive when there are nothing that stops me from getting out of everything. I dont trust in any religions, death is only for me the fact of ""not existing"". Here's my question, why should i exist when i can simply not exist? Why should i keep on feeling pain when i could simply not exist ?
+When i red of those posts about people having a lot of troubles in their lifes i felt like the problem a 17 yo guy is supposed to be nothing compared to them. But i mean here i am asking myself why i'm alive when i could be dead ? Lets admit i just gotta wait 5 years so i can finaly enjoy life or whatever. Why should i try waiting to enjoy when i can simply turn myself off forever. I think my brain is sick but i really mean it, i dont wanna exist anymore.
+
+Thanks for ready this far tho.",Suicidal
+can anyone help me..i am beyond through. i want to end it tonight. i have no one. tonight will be my final night on this earth. i’m screaming for help and no one hears me.,Suicidal
+"Welp, this is goodbye!I’m ready to go! I’m not depressed, I’m just numb and bored. I don’t care about my family or friends. I think I might be a sociopath. But that doesn’t matter.
+
+I’m off! Gonna slash some artery with my handy dandy knife! Gonna wait an hour though to finish my playlist before I die.
+
+Dunno why I’m making this post. One last scream into the void I guess!",Suicidal
+Help me help me help meWhy even bother fuck You ll k aka,Suicidal
+Why Do ppl keep telling me to stop doing drugs when they were the only time I did anything fun in my lifeI dobt undetatand seriously. When I’m not doing drugs I just stay in bed & think about all the things I’ve lost over the years & regret everything. If I sont end up killiyy myself I might as well just do drugs & have a good time once in a while. Because withput them it is impossible for me to enjoy anythint.,Suicidal
+"I'm worried about my roommate, I think he's suicidal.  I want to help, so I'm looking for advice anywhere I can.here's the story.  My roommate has lost everything over the past year.  he lost his girlfriend of 5 years, his only real relationship (he's 26 now).  he lost his job.  they tried to squeeze him out by putting him on nightshift, then they blamed an accident on him to get him fired.  then 2 months after the healthcare expired, he lost his leg in a motorcycle accident.  he was already at rock bottom before the accident, a lot of this has to do with his ex, and he's told me that he built that bike so he could die doing what he loved doing.  so he has already partially killed himself.. his leg.  now, he has to deal with vultures trying to rip him off, enormous medical bills that may cause him to declare bankruptcy, and he can't do anything he loves to do.  he's in a wheelchair for now, he won't have a prosthetic leg for a year or 2.  and even then life will be very different.  he thinks he doesn't have anything to live for, he thinks that life will just be one more tragedy after another. 
+
+I really want to help, but I haven't been through any of the things that he's been through.  I've suffered from major depression since I was a kid, and I've had suicidal thoughts of my own at times, so I really want to help.. I just dont' want to say the wrong thing & make it worse.  I know I can't (& shouldn't) do it for him, its his job to recover. so, any advice?",Suicidal
+"AnyelseDoes anyone have a plan how they want to do it? I’m just wondering that’s all I really have going through my mind, all the time.",Suicidal
+"Someone wished me a happy birthday today.Last year, my birthday was one of the most difficult days. No one called me. It was lonely. 
+
+But today, a friend called me, offered me beer (I rejected but told her I would go see her next week and we'll get hammered together.) 
+
+So far, just having someone care about me is amazing. I couldn't be happier.
+
+It's been a great 21st birthday. :)",Suicidal
+"Ending it on my birthdayHi reddit, sorry if this post is going to be long but I want to share my thoughts with someone since I don't have anybody to talk to.
+
+So I'm a soon to be 22 year old male and thinking about commiting suicide on my birthday in November. 
+
+There are many reasons I don't want to live anymore but one of the major ones is that I'm so lonely. I have no friends only acquaintances. I had a really good friend from my childhood but we lost contact over the years. I tried to connect with him again but we've grown apart. 
+
+Another big issue I have is that I'm a virgin and I want a girlfriend but it is impossible. I don't think I'm that ugly, I'm tall (6'5) go to the gym regularly and have a normal face. The only thing that I'm not happy about with my body is that I'm starting to loose a bit of hair and that I have acne scars on my back and shoulders.
+
+Also I have tried online dating and that is just painful. I get a few matches but the girls don't want to talk there. I have also tried doing hobbies to meet girls but it never works. And going out to bars and nightclubs is not really my thing. The times I've been to bars and nightclubs I can't help to notice that it's mostly men there like 70% males and 30% females. 
+
+That's another reason, I don't like the political views my country has because we have been taking in more people than we can handle. I recently saw a report about the gender imbalance caused by immigration. And when I was born females to males was 1:1. Now it is almost 20 % more males than females in my age range. That makes it impossible for me to find a girlfriend because I have to compete with all these extra men. And it makes me so sad to think that I will most likely be alone all my life, so why continue? 
+
+Should I just work my entire life and pay taxes so that other people can be happy together and have a family? I don't want to contribute to that. I work a full-time job and was thinking of maybe try to study next semester to get a better job but I can't see how that will change anything.
+
+I have never met my biological father but I know he's still alive. I was raised by my mother who I hate because she have been sheltering me since I was a kid. And that has led to me being socially awkward and unable to connect with people. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. 
+
+I've made a poor suicide attempt before. But this time I have to end it, at least then I will be successful with one thing.",Suicidal
+"I’m here to talkHi, I’m Luca, I’ve been dealing with depression since i was 8 years old, I’m still dealing with it, at the age of 18, almost 19, thanks to one of the best person I’ve ever met, I discovered what is my purpose in life, helping people, i love to help, i love to prioritise others over me, that’s why I’m here, to talk, if you need someone to talk to, I’ll be here giving the best support i can possibly offer. I’d like to thank everyone who decides to talk to me about any problem bothering them.",Suicidal
+"I feel like shitI have failed at everything I have tried in life ever. Whether it was sports, a decent social life, games, academics. You name it and I've failed at it. I am a disgrace to both society and my family or as my friends call me ""Life less loser"". Academically I am behind 3 years and by the time I finish university all my friends will have good jobs and even my younger siblings will be doing better than me. I just want to be fucking successful I just want one thing just one to go my way, I fucking take my anger out on video games cuz that is the only stupid thing I think I can be good at but spoiler alert im not I fucking suck. 
+
+Ive got no friends who actually give a fuck about my existence who would truly go out of their way to talk to me etc and my family leaves no chance to remind me of how much of a burden and a financial strain I am to the family. All my life I have tried to stay positive through the fucking abuse my dad gave me all my fucking life hoping and imagining that I would have a better future but guess thats not possible with how things are going right now. I have struggled with OCD/Depression for 9 years. 9 fucking years I have suffered and never in those years I felt that I would ever have to even stop and consider for a moment that I would think about ending stuff. I want help but my family is against me taking medical help and going towards meds to help with my OCD. Im sick and I am tired. 
+
+I just want to wake up one day where I dont feel like Im the fucking problem and I have people that are genuinely interested in me and life feels fucking bearable, things seem in control and I am happy. I want to have a career, I want to study and I want to be independent I wanna work hard guys I wanna be successful in life but im too far behind I dont think I can ever comprehend coming back from this Im never going to make it. Im sorry for writing this so vaguely but Im scared of posting in this sub because I dont wanna encourage someone to take the wrong path because for some reason my OCD is convinced im doing just that. I dont mean for this to be encouraging I just want to vent, I cant stop this feeling to fucking end my existence and I dont know who or where to turn to.",Suicidal
+"Instead of killing myself maybe sleeping is betterI know that when I asleep I am in better place. So I want to try to sleep for a day two I don't care how much. But more then now. I can't sleep more then 5 6 hours max. Getting up feeling shity going to work helping family with whatever they need and the only thing on my mind is, I want to sleep and not feel anything at all. Is this too much? Maybe taking multi sleeping pills will help.",Suicidal
+How many women vs how many guys end up posting this shit?I feel like it's always guys that are ending up wanting to fucking kill themselves. Haven't seen any women on here,Suicidal
+"LexaproI’ve just taken 19 10 mg lexapro, is this going to hurt me",Suicidal
+"Sometimes it never gets better but try to avoid this before it’s too lateImagine yourself in a situation that you can’t decide which one is easier, keep living in a situation killing you slowly or committing suicide. 
+First I’m gonna explain my life. I’m in a country that I’m not a citizen in and because of that I have no rights to stay or to get a job or to do anything. I ran from my own country because I got raped, humiliated, beaten, threatened. My family said I needed to get help from a psychiatrist/psychologist or whatever and I needed to be cured because of being gay. Nobody gave me a job, my family didn’t support me emotionally or financially, once police officers came to my home because neighbors complained about me being gay, I got beaten by some people four times, my cousin and my brother abused me dozens of times when I was kid, I got kicked off from some restaurants, hairdressers, markets many times, got raped three times, and so on. So that’s why I came to this other country and I asked for help, I went to many organizations, I talked with many people. Nobody can do anything right now and I try to survive by doing some things that I don’t wanna do. I slept with guys to eat and stay with them. And now I can’t do it because of some reasons. There is an organization and they told me they can help me in 2 months, but I only have one week to stay in the place that I’m staying and also I have no money. I don’t have anything atm except my phone and some clothes. I sold my other stuff to buy some medicines and food. I was saying “at least I’m alive and nobody is telling me I need to kill myself”. It didn’t last long. I just wanna die and escape from everything but I am not dying... I am thinking of killing myself but I’m afraid to do it and I don’t wanna suffer while I’m dying. I just wanna die instantly. But it’s not happening. People say I should think about the things what I got or killing myself is not a solution. I don’t want a solution, I just wanna relieve and get rid of all these things. And also I don’t have anything to lose. No family, no friends, no job, no money. Anything. I don’t even have hope. What’s gonna happen? Am I gonna find my place in this world and people who’re gonna be my family? Maybe, but I just have one week to find these. So I’m waiting for a miracle. Anyways, I’m writing this because I know there are a lot of people like me, even worse, but if you’re reading this and if your life is getting worse, please try to find help and hope. I wasn’t expecting to be in this situation, but here we are. Always try to have backup plans, never forget that everything is possible. Even I can’t believe that I’m living this. Just be happy and make plans, if they don’t happen, make another one. Live the moment but never forget yoir future. There are millions of good people, I couldn’t find one because I didn’t have enough time and couldn’t search enough. But you have time, please find them! Everything is gonna be fine, you’ll be fine.",Suicidal
+"Back again today with the thought of putting a plastic bag over my head, gone.I'm definitely going to shoot myself in the heart. I feel this is going to give me the cleanest death (emotionally) I can feel. 
+
+
+Everyone says it's not going to be successful. I sure hope not. Its gonna suck if I'm paralyzed. But I'd prefer to be paralyzed than physically tormenting my own body and my cats. I first though abouts suicide when I was 11 or so about 20 years ago and it hasn't left my thoughts. EVERY DAY. This is all I think about EVERY DAY.
+
+
+Yesterday I came here wondering any philosophy behind suicide. I STARTED feeling a little better after I deleted my post but my cat started infuriating me and I smacked her a bunch and spent the rest of the day in bed. I'm up today feeling my options, which I've known since I was a child. Any ideas you guys have would be great. 
+
+
+Please don't reccomend that I talk to someone. I've seen a dozen therapists who have been relentlessly malicious toward me. That is not a helpful person.",Suicidal
+"I do not deserve anything.I'm pathetic. I'm all alone. Everything and everyone is against me. My family cannot be called so anymore. I'll just cry myself to sleep and hope I drown in my tears. I have no motivation to live on anymore, I'm just a burden for everyone around me. I've already made mistakes which cannot be reversed. No one to console me. No one to open up to. I cannot think straight anymore, my existence is a burden.",Suicidal
+"exhausteddont have the energy to explain myself anymore im so, so tired of telling myself everythings gonna be ok how can i stay optimistic if that optimism is based on a faulty foundation tonight im aching i feel like a fraud im so cowardly i wish i could change the way i am there are parts of myself i love then there are moments like these where i realize im lying again i am so sorry towards my friends i believe them when they tell me they love me but your love doesnt fix me your love is not a cure i dont even want answers its like im filled to the brim with emptiness",Suicidal
+"Hitting rock bottom right we one of the best things that could of happened to meA incredibly rough break up brought back everything I’d repressed and I’ve spent the last 3 month going on an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. After another stab at rock bottom I decided to go for a walk to my favourite secret spot. 
+
+I text a few friends so somebody knew where I was as I had no intention of leaving my phone on whilst I cleared my head. Next thing I know I get an influx of loving and supportive messages. 
+
+These people care about me. These people have been sat there watching me destroy myself and never once turned their back on me. Some of them I’ve hurt and let down. I got so caught up on who wasn’t in my life and the traumas I’d been through that I completely forgot about who is there. 
+
+People who love you will never abandon you.",Suicidal
+"I don't want to hurt her anymoreIf she
+
+I'm just a rude, stupid, alcoholic with no self control and the only 2 reasons I don't go downstairs and blow my fucking head off with my tikka is because I don't want my dad to find me like that and I don't want my ex to feel bad because she turned me away when I went back to her begging for one last chance. I miss her like crazy and I know that there's no chance I could ever gain her trust back cause I'm honestly a pretty shitty person. I wish I could tell her this but I swore I would leave her alone. I definitely don't want her to feel guilty about me killing Myself, because I just want her to be happy. Even if it means I have to pretend to be okay. I'll delete this tomorrow when I'm sober and can hide from my feelings better because it's the work week and I'm very busy. But right now, alone, drunk, missing Brittany in every way possible. I have to spew this shit out here for now so that I don't call her while I'm like this.",Suicidal
+"[15/M] Giving myself two weeksI've had enough. I want to die. I'm failing 2/4 of my classes and i don't see it getting any better. My mom has told me countless times she doesn't care where i end up in life, and i think today was the last straw. She told me that i am worthless and i need to go. So, i guess this is it. i'll be checking back here periodically but if i don't pull myself out of this shit hole, i'll be gone in two weeks. Thank you reddit community (on my main you guys are so nice) but this is my goodbye letter. ",Suicidal
+"I feel like I'm a toxic poison to my familyI've been depressed since childhood. I'm seeing a psychologist but I feel like all I do is cost my parents money for that. I feel like a funeral would be cheaper and my death would be easier to get over. I have a toddler and my husband is constantly pointing out how bad of a mother I am. If I go now while he is still young maybe I won't fuck him up. I don't even know why my husband married me.
+I've wanted to die since I was a young teenager and people keep stopping me. I'm scared to do it though. I just spent a half hour looking at ways to kill yourself on a different subreddit. I don't think I'm supposed to feel this way but after spending half my life in therapy and on meds I don't think it's going to change. I just don't know what to do anymore. ",Suicidal
+"Nothing is working and i'm sliding back down.The more I think about things the more depressed I get and the more I consider suicide - or at least disappearing and living totally off grid - a viable option. The future is uncertain, bleak and terrifying and I can't see a way out. 
+
+I'd give anything not to feel like this.",Suicidal
+"I think I am going to kill myself tomorrow.Tomorrow the winter break will be over and everyone in my house will go back to school/work, so I will be home alone for 7 hours (I dont go to school anymore). During that time frame I could kill myself. I know how to do it. I have everything I need to exit this life.
+
+I will write a note detailing what to do in the event of me ""surviving"" and entering a coma (you can guess what I would want them to do). I have a journal in which I will write my final words and thoughts. I will leave a message in that journal for everyone I love and care about, and my parents. I have a lot of writing to do between now and tomorrow because I want this to be done well, I really care about these people. I will also probably make one last post on this subreddit, thanking everyone who tried to help me. 
+
+I am still hesitant though, my mood swings so much I dont know what is real. It's difficult because I haven't been diagnosed with any kind of mood disorder so I dont think I am getting the proper support. What I do know is, I hate who I am and I know that I will never be the person I want to be. I am so unhappy and anxious. Sometimes I'm euphoric but those moments are short and fake. Everything I do reminds me how much I hate myself, even seeing my hands or hearing my voice. Sometimes I like the way my voice sounds, and sometimes I also find myself very attractive and I feel happy during those times, but I know those feelings are unrealistic. I see myself die everytime I close my eyes.
+
+I would appreciate anything at this point. I dont feel comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with people that I know in real life. I'm sorry for rambling a bit near the end; I am still putting the peices together in my head and it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either.",Suicidal
+"LethargicI just had a positive life changing moment. I should be ecstatic right now and feel like I can conquer the world.
+
+But....
+
+I don't feel like that at all. Am I happy? Yeah, but every negative moment leading up to this has made me unbearably depressed. The therapy meetings, doctor appointments,arguments, deaths, medications, and losing friends. 
+
+It wore me down to the person I am now.
+
+My life changing moment isn't to blame for this because I realize its the feeling of loneliness, worthlessness, failure, and self hatred.
+
+ It's just me.
+
+It never goes away...no matter what happens, who I am with, or what I accomplish. I am always trying to find the source of my problem but honestly it's just how I am. I don't think it will,ever go away.
+
+I'm at this point where I don't want live like this. 
+
+What do I live for?
+If I am not living for myself why am I alive?
+For the sake of just existing?
+
+Are there people who care for me?
+Sure, when they feel like it.
+
+I juggle around with the thought of dying in my head a lot. I think I'm crazy and often wonder if I should be in psych ward or something but I hear those places are essentially a prison.
+
+My living situation is toxic and I don't have the means nor mental stability to get myself out.
+
+My support system is a fucking joke but its my fault for trusting others.
+
+Everyday it seems like the light at the end of the is further away than the day before.
+
+
+I want to cut myself off from the world and be alone.",Suicidal
+"Being diagnosed with PTSDRecently my GP diagnosed me with PTSD. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday for a proper diagnosis. 
+Before the start of this week, if someone asked me if I wanted to hurt or kill myself I would say no.
+Now my response has changed to I do t know. 
+I'm not sure what to do. ",Suicidal
+"What’s wrong with me. :(Relapsed self harm yesterday, after not doing it for about a week. I did it gain today. :’(",Suicidal
+"I thought I had my way out but now I have nothingYesterday my mother took me to the doctor and I was prescribed Amitriptyline. I didn’t know what it was but as soon as I looked it up I felt like I finally had an opportunity. A couple of google searches showed it can be fatal. I’ve been looking for a way to die for a while and this is the first time I think I’ve finally found something that can let me leave in peace.
+
+I thought about slitting my wrists, but I don’t want to do that. It’s pain and mess and it barely works. I’ve gone through enough shit as it is. I don’t feel like useless physical pain, an ICU visit, and ruining my life from endless judgement and being treated like shit the way suicidal people often are. So I ruled that one out.
+
+I thought about hanging myself from my ceiling fan. I was going to do it with a sheet. Heard about how you can shit yourself doing it, or fall and break some bones so those were negatives. But again I need something. I just want to leave. Put a ladder up to the fan and realize it’s wobbly and weak. If I hang my fat ass from it, the whole ceiling will probably cave in. Great. Another one of the list.
+
+All the research/googling/whateverthefuck I’ve done has shown that the best way to do it is to shoot yourself in the head. That’s great. Really fantastic. I’m not old enough to buy a gun, and if I was, I don’t have buy a gun money. I could steal from my mother but I’d rather not. Great option. Off the list.
+
+The Amitriptyline was like a saving grace. I swear. I thought, finally. Finally. I have a way to fucking leave in peace. Take all of them and just go the fuck away. For ONCE. Of course, I had to do some research to be sure. I really need to stop researching, because the researching is what really fucks me over. Found out it can be lethal. Great! Now to know how much to take. Turns out, it’s an amount way above what I was prescribed. On TOP of that, endless stories of people taking a fuckton, yet still waking up in an ICU condemned to an earthly hell. Fantastic.
+
+I really just want a way to leave. That’s all I’m asking for. I don’t want a lot. Just to fucking LEAVE. The universe has made it clear that it doesn’t want me here. People make it clear they could give a fuck about whether I’m here or not. That’s fine. But if that’s the case, it shouldn’t be so hard for me to just fucking kill myself. It shouldn’t.
+
+I don’t do well with empty platitudes. If anyone really wants to help me, just let me know where the exit is. Greatly appreciated.",Suicidal
+"Need adviceI’m seeing psychiatrist/psychologist next week for the first time ever. I am going to be as honest as possible with them about my suicidal thoughts and everything.
+
+Is it bad that I kinda want for them to baker act me? I want to disappear from the world for a little while. I want to make a point to my job who’s overworking me. To my friends who don’t see how I feel. To my relationship that is causing so much stress. 
+
+I just kinda want them to see how bad it is. Maybe me getting locked up for a few days would let everyone know that I’m serious.",Suicidal
+"Some days are good, most days I don't want to be here any more.Recently I've fallen in love, the situation is extremely difficult and confusing and I'm unsure how to handle everything. I know how I feel and how she feels but it doesn't make a difference on me feeling unable to handle everyday life.
+
+It's as though I'm stuck in a place where I try to better myself not for other people but to be a better me. Non of it matters though, no matter how hard I try to be the best me I can so that I am happy nothing changes. On a day to day basis the thought of suicide crosses my mind so many times I'm unsure how to handle it all anymore.
+
+Whether it be a gun, overdose, crashing into a object at speeds I know will end all the pain. I don't want to be here any longer and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
+
+The sad thing is I know she loves me. And she isn't the reason I'm feeling this but I'm scared because how can someone I see as perfect see me as perfect aswell when all I see in myself is disgust and hate. I've never known how to love myself but I've been able to love others so much I get lost in what seems like an endless void. I'd do anything for so many people but can't do anything to help myself and it's the most terrifying thing I've experienced, there has been so much pain and sorrow in my life in the past and I've tried forgiving and moving on but daily I think of the past and the terrible things that have happened.
+
+This is the first time I've said anything to people who aren't close to me, and even then I've only told a handful of people how I feel. No one seems to get it they just think it's their fault and they should have been able to see it. But they are wrong, nothing that anyone else could have done would have been able to change or avoid my pain. I just want to know how I can handle this and avoid bringing anyone else pain by my suffering, I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want anyone to hurt but it's all just to much for me anymore.",Suicidal
+"LonelyI lost everything Friday. I don't know if I should end my life right now. I feel like self harming but I don't want to let my best friend down. But obviously she doesn't care. That's why she left me right?? I don't know what to do anymore. I constantly feel empty, alone, scared, depressed, and suicidal. So to you all I want to ask for help, I don't know how to get better or to change. But right now suicide seems like the only way out to get better but I'm honestly scared of death. So in a last ditch chance to get better. This is my first post and I'm kinda nervous, So... Hi, would you like to be my friend?  ",Suicidal
+"First time I've thought like this, but seriously thinking it.Posted in r/depression, but stumbled upon this area. Seriously thinking about committing suicide because of how worthless I feel. Never in my 18 years, and hopefully 19 soon, have I ever thought this. At first I considered getting into alcohol or drugs (which I'm huge against), but then it finally grew into suicidal thoughts. 
+
+Here's just some things that are really pushing my depression/thoughts:
+
+First, the love of my life, or what I seriously thought was, finally told me that we can't be together, ever. 
+
+Second, my family and I have been getting into it about financial issues and how working a volunteer position right now isn't helping. 
+
+Third, I feel ashamed for having a friend that I seriously care about, break down on me because I told her I'm having these thoughts. It's gotten to the point where it seems as if she doesn't want to talk to me now.
+
+And lastly, I keep having these visions of me eating a gun that is in my house, or staring at a belt to hang myself with. I'm scared that I'm having these thoughts, and it makes me sick to even know that I am, but I'm seriously considering it since I'm a worthless piece of shit to people. I feel that even the littlest thing will push me over the edge.
+
+TL;DR: I'm having visions and thoughts of suicide and I don't know what to do.",Suicidal
+"Burnt outUnmotivated to do anything at all. Jerking off would be too much trouble. Walking to the fridge would be too much trouble. Getting up to piss would be too much trouble. 
+
+So obviously I'm not wanting to kill myself right at this very second. But for the past few years it's been on and off pretty consistently. I don't know how many times the 'three day rule' saved me. 
+
+
+The first time I ever really wanted to do it, I wanted to get off a bus to jump off a tall structure nearby. I was 17. But I didn't. I was reading a book on the bus and even though I didn't care about anything, I kinda cared about how the book ended. A few months later, I was hiding in a public garden near there, making out with someone I'd recently met, and I looked at that tall structure for a moment and thought ""I'm glad I didn't do that; this is pretty great."" 
+
+
+The next serious moment was over a year after that. It was a couple days after I opened pandora's box and realized I am transgender. I've never been transphobic, but the revelation was too much for me on top of everything else. I can't talk about it. I had one foot in the land of the dead.  
+
+
+There were a few bleak moments in the couple years after that. Actually a few months ago, I was on the subway headed wherever. Plan was to get smashed and then maybe do some more hard thinking about if it was all worth it. But this crackhead sat down next to me and started telling me why the English language is the devil (fair enough really, but I didn't want to hear about it). I wanted to get away from him, so I got off at the next stop. And a few minutes later, I ran into a buddy and ended up just shooting the shit with her over coffee for a couple hours. And later I thought, damn- that crackhead on the train really did me a solid. What were the odds of me getting off the train at the exact right time, at the right stop, to run into one of the few people I would have been willing to interact with? I live in a large city. I don't believe in god or fate or anything- but if I did, I'd think someone upstairs sent ""English is the devil"" guy my way. 
+
+
+And today I feel completely drained. You know the drill. Nothing seems worth it. I don't care about anything, except for a few people. The best thing is to not forget about them; depression can make you forget. But hey, writing this thing energized me enough to walk to the fridge. So there's a bit more life in me than there was 10 minutes ago. I wish I had some tranqs, but then again I don't know if I could get more sedated than I already am. 
+
+
+I don't want to go into specifics, in case someone I know sees this. But I'd have to say the main cause of my depression is that I'm so uncomfortable with myself, mostly due to being closet trans but also due to other things. Then there's also external factors, like people being stupid and the future seeming really bleak. But fuck, I'm so far down the hole. I don't remember what it's like to not be depressed. I'm not even sure if I want to be not depressed. If I wasn't depressed, I'd care more about stuff. Fuck that. How would I get by at all if I cared more? 
+
+
+I'm a bit drunk now so one more story. Like two weeks after that time I didn't want to talk about, I called someone I trust and told her about it. She said she wanted to call the cops. I didn't want her to do that, and plus I had work, so I told her that if she didn't, I'd call a crisis hotline and tell them everything, and if they told me to go to the hospital, I would. And I guess I could've just lied, but I was good to my word and called them. They told me they didn't think I was a danger to myself anymore, so I called the person I'd told and reported back to her. She believed that I'd called them- maybe not the best thing to do, but since I really had, it worked out. Her memories of that summer are totally fucked, so I don't know if she remembers any of it now. Part of me wants to ask. 
+
+
+I have to get out of bed now. I can see my tits and my big lady hips from the position I'm lying in, and I care just enough to not want to look at that. Which is more than I cared about anything twenty minutes ago- so maybe there's hope for me yet. ",Suicidal
+i want to attend my own funerali just want to know what the people in my life might think of me if i killed myself would they cry would they finally say all the nicer shit they couldn't have said to me i don't fucking know but i want to because only then i could finally feel like i'm at peace,Suicidal
+"Been 2 years2 years ago today I finally made a reddit account to reach out to folks at this sub when I wasn't doing well. I'm still here and doing mostly better. 
+
+Thank you all, and stay strong everyone. Things can get better.",Suicidal
+Giving up.I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been planning for months and hoping for things to get better but it just gets worse and worse. Can’t land a job anywhere and still in debt at school. Parents think I’m a failure and I lost all my friends from anxiety. The only people that talk to me are these guys who want to take classes with me only for me to tutor them for free or some shit and it’s annoying how they get to have fun and brag about what they did their weekends and stuff while I sit at home all day applying for jobs and studying. I don’t know what to do.,Suicidal
+"I just need someone to talk toI wouldn’t say I want to to kill my self, I love my friends and my family, but recently I’ve been pretty upset. When I was 7 my dad died and recently that has really been making me sad because also my mom has a thiriod (I think that’s how it’s spelled) issue where it makes her mad at me sometimes more then usual over small things. I recently wanted to build a computer, and she says she doesn’t think I know how even though I can litterly show her if she gave me a chance. Right now I feel no one likes me and I will be a failure.",Suicidal
+"I'm trying my best to keep going but I'm done.I'm 24 but I can't take it anymore. My over critical dad constantly on my back and my mom being overcritical too but she's less on my back, getting tired of where I live and I just think I'll try to get it over with by this week. Don't know when. I know a bridge in my area where I can get it over with.
+
+I work 2 shit jobs (1 seasonal) in pursuit of a Finance degree but I can't even take school anymore. It's unbearable and I don't even want to do the next semester.
+
+I've faced my problems for too long (half my life) with little to no tangible results, ridicule, have had constant suicidal thoughts/attempts for 4 years now and a few in high school but not as much as now. I kept quiet, did what I had to do with finesse and i was efficient in almost all aspects of my life but I now think I'm at the point of burnout (been 2 weeks now). I can't deal with life anymore. I'm done. Finished. 
+
+For context and I know it sounds stupid but some chick earlier this afternoon (a little older than me or I think around my age) was with her mom and her little kids. At my shit job, I started saying hi smiling and she smiled back but murmured and had a little mocking grin facing her mom. I felt a little out of my element and was less energetic and I started feeling a little gloomy. The chick then left the store running and laughing with her mom. I had this happen to me with two chicks who I gave Halloween candy to back in the 11th grade and they just looked at me and started running off and laughing. The fucked up part is that she's not an ugly chick. She's actually decent looking.
+
+This is the shit I have to live through. I just came back from my shit seasonal job at Amazon and got to the other store (my other job) right after that. I was actually feeling OK but then I thought about all of the shit I had to endure for the whole waking up at fucking 5:45 am to get to my first shit job of the day. Fuck that.
+
+The reason why this is fucking with me is because a few chicks used to make fun of me back in high school and it still continues to this day. What's the point of living if every single move is in anticipation of being ridiculed and mocked. Then people who live in their own bubbles (like my manager ) who I'm cool with tell me to get over it even though I listen to all his girl problems he has on Tinder and try to offer solutions and listen to him. I don't get shit on Tinder so yeah, I can't relate bro.
+
+I'm just tired in general. Just tired of constantly being reminded of my ""responsibilities"" from my dad and just tired of the BS from everyone. The best part is I have no one (except a former mentor) of mine in high school to talk to about this shit I'm dealing with and I haven't spoken to him in 5 years. My friends which I have none at the moment because I text them and they don't want anything to do with me judging by their non replies.
+
+ And I will not tell my parents my suicidal attempts/thoughts. They won't understand. Plus being a black man fucking makes this shit all that more great.
+
+I'm done with a passion and I think I'm at the point of no return. I'm a 5 minute walk away from an interstate overpass so I'm good to go. Fuck life.
+
+I'll probably have to go to my shit Amazon job tomorrow and then rinse and repeat until I go through with my plan around this week. I've tried everything except for full fledged therapy and taking a vacation or leaving my area for a few days. I've tried positive thinking, exercising. But it all seems for naught since I'll be faced with another setback as I'm always faced with. It's like everything good I do ends up turning to shit. What's the point.
+",Suicidal
+"20 year old U.S male, planning second attempt. going to make sure it happens this time.i have a lot to say but it doesn't matter. i'll give some examples of how people in my life treat me and how it makes me feel. no incel stuff here, i'm more well off than others financially, intellectually and physically.
+
+you know in American Psycho when Bateman breaks up with his date and says ""i have homicidal thoughts that cannot be corrected""? it's like that. this cannot fucking be fixed and i'm sick and god damn fucking tired of trying and doing the same bullshit every day, tired of holding a fucking knife to my neck to stop thinking of suicide, tired of fucking hating every worthless second.
+
+i just fucking hate every waking moment of every day. the only thing i enjoy is sleep and i got 2 hours of that before work today. god it just fucking HURTS. i'm anxious all day every day about fucking everything. and i've been taking care of myself - i've been taking lexapro every day like i should, working out 6 days a week, eating right, getting re-enrolled, going to therapy. it's not fucking working and i feel even worse than i did during my first attempt. for the first time in 3-4 years i've actually tried, and i've been better and corrected behaviors, and i feel fucking worse than i did when i was smoking pot, skipping class and playing video games all day
+
+i've been taking care of myself but nobody gives a fuck about me. the 3rd girl i've ever loved gave me the most intimate experience of my life, a week later professed her love for me at a party she came to with her boyfriend, and the next day told me over the phone she doesn't feel anything for me. this was last week. we knew eachother for 4 fucking years and this is how our beautiful adventure ends.
+
+i've been talking to this girl for 2 months that i like sort of. we've been on dates and made out and she was my v-day kiss. we work nearby so i saw her for like 30 mins when her store was dead, i went and got breakfast for her and we make plans to go to her place tonight. now it's ""oh sorry me and my friend just made plans, oh and i forgot that other girl is staying the night"". i canceled going to a fucking concert with my brother and his best friend for her to do this again. if you don't like me, just tell me you don't fucking like me so i don't have to hate myself. you don't have to sugar coat it, you talk to me one way but treat me another, just fucking say it and i'll fuck off if that's what you want.
+
+here, okay, this is the best one. my best friend. my best friend is a girl i've been close with for 5 years. that's a quarter of my life. i just got out of a 4+ year abusive relationship with my ex and i'm finally, after years of this happening and months of us being separated, telling my BEST FRIEND about the verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. her reaction? ""oh wow. Jaiden did that? Wow! I can totally see that."" fucking nothing! ""I... can't keep it to myself anymore. I was sexually abused for a really long time."" ""daaaamn Anon wow!"" 
+
+we're talking about something deep yesterday and i finally reveal to her, after a year of it killing me inside and no one knowing, i attempted suicide. and she literally just fucking ignored it.
+
+i'm a normal fucking guy and i've been taking care of myself. i was a recluse for so long and these past few months i've been saying fuck it, i'll fight through the anxiety and paranoia and i'll do it. i'll be healthy. i get a job, get things sorted out with school, i lose 10 pounds and regain a lot of lost muscle, play guitar and sing like i used to, and i just feel fucking worse. and i TRY to have these relationships and it just makes it worse.
+
+i'm not an asshole, i'm not annoying or unfunny, i'm a normal, intelligent, attractive guy who gives a fuck about shit and takes care of himself. but no one cares about me. you know that song ""Behind Blue Eyes"" by The Who that Limp Bizkit shat all over? that's me.
+
+i'd rather just go back to being alone, because at least i had control. i'd rather be an addict or an alcoholic. i'm fucking tired. i feel like shit every day and realize no one loves me or will ever love me. there's just something wrong deep down inside, and i just wasn't meant to be here.
+
+this is the perfect time of year for this actually. that song ""That's Life"" by Frank Sinatra - the message and the chronology. he keeps trying and trying and if he never wins then it wasn't meant to be, ""if there's nothing shaking this here come July, I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die"".
+
+i turn 21 July 1st. if things don't change by then... if they just get worse like they keep doing... i'm doing it this time, and i'm fucking doing it for real. no pills and alcohol. i'm going to make it work.
+
+fuck it i hate fucking being here i don't want to live and i never fucking asked to",Suicidal
+"Really just looking for some supportMy husband has had strange seizure-like spells in the middle of the night for the last year, every 3-6 months, still not sure what the cause is after multiple doctors appointments. He's been fine afterwards but they're terrifying when they happen. I sense one coming tonight and I'm having so much trouble dealing with it. Really, I can't handle it right now. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I feel like I'm dying just from the worry that it's going to happen and I'll be all alone. So alone. He's my support in life, he cures my anxiety when I'm with him but only when he's conscious.  Not when he's limp or twitching with his eyes rolled back in his head. I have no one else for support in this. No one gets it, I need to grow up. I'm just looking for someone to ride it out with, even just on spirit.",Suicidal
+"I can't take it anymoreIt just seems like my life is in deep black abyss of suffering and hopelessness. I've never felt so alone. It keeps getting worse and worse. ""It Gets Better"" doesn't seem to apply to me. It's so hard not break out into tears on a day to day basis. I'm autistic. I can't even look anyone in the eyes. It's too painful, it feels like I'm starring into the sun. I'm always starring into the ground when I walk. And when I look up my eyes automatically lock onto someone else's eye, I can't control it. And then I just automatically look away in sheepish shame, my eyes can't help but flicker away. I wish I could read body language. I wish I could know what someone was thinking or feeling just by looking at them. I wish I could just talk to someone and exchange our views and ideas about things. I want to know what other people have to say about things. I know what I should say but my brain won't allow me to say it. I feel like my brain is a prison and that my mind is in solitary confinement. I feel like my heart is being brutally stabbed and that blood just keeps flowing into it without purpose. The pain is too great for me to bear anymore. My poor neurotic mind is tearing itself apart. 
+
+It hurts that I'm so good looking and yet so insecure and lacking in confidence because of my broken mind, It's almost like some divine being gave me good physical genetics and inferior mental genetics as a good laugh laugh. I guess the guy upstairs has an ironic sense of humor. I didn't always used to be like this. I used to not have an Asperger's diagnosis, people liked me and thought I was funny, I was confident and sure of myself. I used to always know my life would be perfect, or at least I thought it would be. Now I'm the complete opposite, I'm anxious and ashamed of myself. I thought about stabbing myself in the leg earlier just to feel, I punched myself in the ribcage repeatably instead, that way if I ever escape my suffering I won't have a physical reminder of my sins. I just wish I could speak to Kenzie while being able to look into her eyes. She's so beautiful, it's like her blonde hair was made from sunshine. I know she at least likes me. She has hinted at me twice to take her to Homecoming before. One day she even asked me if I was OK. I wasn't but I said I was anyway. No one ever did that before, she made my day and the rest of my year. If I told her some of the things I was telling now I know she would at least listen. She's no stranger to anxiety or depression either. She's kinder than most people. 
+
+Most of my ""friends"" are mean to me and put me down and make fun of me. I hate them. One of them constantly calls me stupid, I think he's mean because he's jealous of my good looks and the attention I get from them. It's just too bad I'm too useless to get anything with my looks, too autistic. I feel like I'm a waste of space, I feel like I contaminate the oxygen in the air. My school would hate it if I killed myself, too many people kill themselves already. The school has a bad reputation for suicide. A girl that always liked me tried to kill herself with blood pressure meds recently, I want to talk to her about it when she comes back but I don't know how. I probably won't as it would feel to rigid and awkward to get past small talk. I could just say what I want to say but I don't know that would go over. I feel like if people don't respond to me positively my brain registers it as negative, I hate myself. I wish I could remember an inspirational quote about overcoming my circumstances but my memory is so bad it won't allow me too. I feel like that guy in the Metallica sone One. I either have to bullshit, cheat, or cram to get sufficient grades and I hate it. I hate that I have no coherence in my sentence pattern. My attention is horrid also, I can't even read a book. I wish I could at least read a book. I think I might try drugs one day, that way I'll feel the warm sunshine upon my life temporarily and not the cold, black endless suffering. 
+
+There's a shotgun in my house if I ever need it. I might have to use it soon, I hope not though. I can't tell my Psychologist this or else I would be institutionalized because I have an easy access to firearms and know exactly where I'm going to pull the trigger in my neighborhood. Not sure if I will write a note or send people individual messages or neither. If anyone is open to talking I would like to try it, maybe someone would listen to me and try to understand.",Suicidal
+"Had depression for years, it always comes back, I'm here because I'm sitting in front of a pack of strong benzos and thinking of taking them.First signs appeared when I was 8 or 9, stuff got worse ever since, spent five weeks in a mental hospital when I was 12, depression sometimes takes breaks that last for a few months, usually after a year or two of therapy. I have tried killing myself multiple times, I fail because the rope breaks or the pills end up not being lethal, even though I sleep for 22 hours straight from half of one of those. I'm tired of everything and I know that depression will keep butt fucking me for years, because not only does my dad have it, but my brother had it, as well as my grandfather. I'm sick of everything, especially people because most people care only when I'm suicidal and ignore me when I'm not. Even though I don't play any role in their lives except for being that sad guy who's always asking for attention by trying to kill himself. I don't want to face reality anymore or ever again, I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I think I'm gonna try to overdose and take a nap, hopefully I won't wake up.",Suicidal
+"i posted on here a while ago and things got better. back to rock bottom, and im going to give myself a week until the dayif you're reading this, smile",Suicidal
+"I'm gonna end it soonI don't really know what to say, i've tried killing myself like 5 months ago and failed, today i woke up feeling ok it was the one day that i said to myself ""ok lets try to be positive, they say that this shit works right?"" and it all backfired, got home and got into a fight with my mom because she put all my stuff on boxes and i couldn't find shit i was looking for, then she freaked out and threw his phone and glasses in the ground and then my stepfather started to throw shit at me, so i just left for a walk, wanted to throw me over a bus at the highway but no bus passed, came buck come, minutes later they left to watch over my sister who is at the hospital because she has some pains, they don't know what it is yet, after they left i went to buy some cigarretes and some booze (i've been trying to stop smoking for the last few weeks but fuck it you know), so i came back home, alone, and started binge-smoking and drinking, texted a friend of mine who has been throught this and said that i should call him when i'm feeling low, he just ignored my texts, fuck him, i tried looking for the sleeping pills and other drugs i am supposed to take but apparently my mother took'em with her, so here i am drunk felling like fucking shit and reassuring myself what i've been planning to do to kill myself for the past few weeks, idk what to do, idk why i'm even writing here, i just feel fucking lonely you know?, i've been isolating myself for the past few months because if i go with it i think it will less painfull for the people i know if the connection between us is more weak, i got the job of my dreams a few months ago but i still feel like shit, i don't know how to socialize with people, i also been thinking about my sexual orientation i think i might be bisexual but i don't know how to cope with it, i'm an open minded person but i don't think my family and friends would understand me if i came out to them, life just feels empty you know?  i just want to end it soon, and i think i might be trying my second suicide on the coming days, just need someone to talk to, anyone, im looking for a reason to stay alive, because right now i don't see one
+
+
+ps: sorry for my english, not a native speaker",Suicidal
+"Social anxiety is ruining my lifeLife could be great for me. I'm young, I could be everything I want to be. I could have friends. 
+But I have social anxiety. Which means every day I wake up and I'm terrified because I'll have to go to school. Which means I will never be able to pursue the career I want because I won't get into university with my grades being pulled down by oral marks and even if I do, how could I ever be a psychologist when I am afraid to talk to people? Which means that I will be stuck in my unhappy relationship forever because he's my only friend and I am absolutely terrified of being alone. 
+I just don't want to be like this. Social anxiety isn't just shyness, it's awkwardness, A lot of it. And I hate myself for being this way, so, so much but I can't change. I've been wanting to die for 4 years. I can't face another fucking day at school being the weirdo, I just can't. I'm so done. So fucking done. But I'm too much of a coward to go through with this. Makes me feel even worse because there's nothing I can do, I just gotta get up every day and live this life I don't want to live. ",Suicidal
+"I don't know where else to go but just i need to just get this out thereI really don't know what to do anymore, I was able to save up so much to help my mom buy a house and I decided to put it into the stock market. I have traded before but lost all of it because of stupid mistakes but this time I was supposed to play it safe since it was money I didn't want to loose. My goal with to make small trades and make back what I had originally lost and just stop after that. But the market tanked because of the virus and i lost 75% because I was using margins. I fucking lost 15k! And now I don't know what to do. I've been laying in bed for a couple of hours and music isn't helping. The only thing on my mind is how fucking stupid I am and just different ways to end it all. Last time I was this low I had gotten to putting a knife to my throat and just crying but I don't even know anymore. I don't know how else I can deal with this. Ik that it's just money but it's not the losing it part that's messing me up, it's the fact my family will find out. I don't think i can handle their response if they find out. So before that I think i might just go through with it.",Suicidal
+"Almost time.I'm just trying to hold on, and hang in there. I just don't see much reason to though. My best friend, isn't even really my friend anymore I don't think. She at least doesn't even want to talk to me anymore it seems. I don't even know what happened. The only friend who still talks to me is one who I've never even seen in person. My nephew's birthday is this weekend. After that, I'm sorry. I've been selfless for long enough. My entire life I've always done everything that I could to make others happy, never caring about myself. Well it's my turn to make myself happy. For that, I'm sorry.",Suicidal
+"There's just nothing for meLife is nothing.  I'm never interesting enough, attractive enough, successful enough, whatever-enough for anyone.  I'm just alone, all the time, no matter what I do.  
+
+Life is just a chore that drones by way too fast some days and way too slow others.  One thing always remains the same - it's all pointless.  Nothing can be done.  Nothing can be accomplished.  Always a reason I can't do things.  Must be nice to be born into a family that actually gives a shit about you, has the finances to make sure you have a shot at a real life, has parents actually around to teach you things.  must be real nice.  I can only fantasize about what life might have been had I been born into a real and worthwhile situation instead of being some kids' bad mistake.
+
+fucking...26 now, and nothing is worth anything.  Nothing is interesting.  Nothing is fun.  Nothing is clever.  Everything is boring.  There's nothing remotely interesting to do.  I have a dying creative side that I can't do anything with because I don't have the money to do anything with it.  I also don't have any talents.
+
+Eventually I'm just going to die and not exist anymore - rendering absolutely anything I could have done pointless anyway.  What's the point to live just to die?  I don't understand religious people - it's so fucking obvious and blatant that we're just some shit organism that grew on a rock and will cease to exist like everything else.  How the fuck are people so stupid that they'll believe in magic and fairy tales in which they don't even have evidence for?  All that shit does is make the time we do have worse.
+
+I'm angry at everything, all the time.  Everything annoys me.  Nothing is pleasurable.  I eat begrudgeonly when my body won't stop demanding it.  It's expensive and feels like shit going through me.  So fucking tired of spending money.  Fucking tired of earning money.  day in, day out, same fucking bullshit.  Nothings different it's all just material bullshit.
+
+run the fucking retardrace in hopes that some wealthy fucking fuck will throw you a pittance and call you a good boy so that you can eat and live another day just to waste it all at his fucking whim.  Hey, it's his kid's futures you're working so hard for, isn't it?  They need to know what a life without conflict or work or problems are.  Fucking rich pieces of privileged shit.
+
+Unfortunately I couldn't even be born a gender seen worthwhile in humanity's eyes.  Nobody likes a man.  A man is scary, dangerous, creepy, gross, expendable, trash, a lapdog for women.    Fodder for the women and children and the wealthy.  Fight and die in wars they start so they can live happy and without conflict.  Fuck them. fuck people.  fuck all people.  why should i give a fuck about anyone anymore?
+
+There's only one thing left i want to do, and that's to die fucking gloriously.  i'm going to drink until i can barely stand, on a rooftop, and shoot my fucking brains off while fireworks shoot from my body.  Maybe I'll crush some asshole on the way down.",Suicidal
+"why am i herewhy am i alive?
+
+hi. i am not religious. i’m not exactly atheist either but... why am i alive? there are people that deserve the life i have more than me and i just don’t understand why i have it. there are children w cancer wanting life so bad and then there’s me , a 19 yr old girl w a life that she feels she doesn’t deserve. i don’t get why i’m even alive at this point. i don’t deserve it more than anyone else and i have a loving boyfriend but i hate my parents and my family is really fucked up and just filled w horrible ppl, w some in jail and others that should be and i’m just wondering why i am still alive. i’ve cut before but never had the balls to actually take my life. why am i still alive ?",Suicidal
+Started closing my eyes driving today... I need to fix this.I need to stop these.  I really can't talk to *anyone* irl. It's getting out of hand... dangerous. Any ideas? ,Suicidal
+Is this legitIn comments is the link. If I bought and took them would they actually kill me?,Suicidal
+Prease help meWhat is the best way to kill myself WITHOUT any pain? I want to just sleep and never wake up...that would be ideal,Suicidal
+"I see no reason why I shouldn't kill myselfI'm a bad person. I'm a pathetic person. I have no goals, no ambition, no confidence, no friends, never had a relationship. I hurt people. I hurt people I love. I'm a complete and utter failure in every aspect of my life. I suck at my hobbies, I get angry too quickly, I can't get out of my bad habits. And worst of all is I don't want to get better. I just want to die. This world is sick I don't want to exist in it any longer. If it weren't for my parents I'd just travel the country aimlessly until I get killed or kill myself. I'm a nobody and there's no goddamn point to any of it. I wish I'd just have an aneurysm.",Suicidal
+"Tomorrow night?I will be killing myself tomorrow night. I have 1000’s of mg of Effexor, Cymbalta, Seroquel etc. Yes, I tried this method 1.5 years ago but I didn’t take enough. That almost killed me anyway. Unfortunately, it did take me more time than I expected to reattempt but it’s finally time.",Suicidal
+"I need helpI'm transgender.  I need to talk to someone as soon as possible.  I've never been this sad or confused my entire life.  It would really help too talk to someone, anyone...  Just someone to hear me out..",Suicidal
+"All that I love has been washed away.I am alone
+
+With the current
+Of heartbeats
+and stone
+
+It shreaks
+In my ears
+And my bones
+
+Viola 
+babbles 
+Atone
+
+All of my friends have drifted away, I'm chronically ill, in pain, and unable to do the things that make me happy. My wife has someone else to lean on if I go. I'm just not needed and trapped in my house.
+
+I need someone who I won't burden to talk to.
+",Suicidal
+"how do i make a blade sharperi made this throw away account out of desperation you could say. ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts since my pre teen years and attempted 2 or 3 times thru my adolescence (my memory is fuzzy and ive struggled with a lot of fucked up symptons probably due trauma and whatnot plus i think i repressed a lot of traumatic memories so my memory is even worse). and ive been planning on attempting again for a while now. very few things keep me away from attempting, one of these things being self harm. i know its not healthy but my blade is dull (its a pencil sharperner blade, ive been looking into buying an actual razor blade but pandemic and quarentine came around) and i really really dont have any other option here. therapy is out of the question given my current situation and confinding in friends is also not an option. so if you have any advice onto how to sharpen a pencil sharpener blade thatd be nice. since its one of the few things that keep me ""in line"" if that makes sense.
+
+(sidenote: no i cant buy another pencil sharpener. i started cutting at a young age and attempted suicide also at a young age so my family strictly forbids me getting my hands on anything that i might possibly harm myself with. that doesnt mean that theyre great or caring btw but i wont get into my life story in this post. anyways yeah just give me advice on how to make it sharp again)
+
+(also i apologize for the name of my account i came up with that on a whim since i figured that a keysmash for a name would probably get me banned or something of that nature)",Suicidal
+I am a pedophile should I kill myself?To be clear I have never acted on it but I have deep feelings of self hatred and shame. I honestly wish I was never born. The world would be a better place without me.,Suicidal
+"It's time.  I can't do this anymore.I am not sure where to begin.  This will be a mess, I am sorry.
+
+ I am a mid twenties female...I just got accepted into nursing school for the Fall.  I feel like I should be immensely happy over that, but I am not.
+
+I cry often, every day, multiple times a day.  The final straw was last night.  I was finally getting some peaceful rest when I suddenly snapped wide awake with the thought ""if you killed yourself, it would always be this peaceful"".  I am just so sick and tired of thinking about killing myself.  I want out.
+
+My life is a waste.  I was addicted to meth and heroin for a long time (13 - 23 years old).  I still live with my mom because of this. My dad died when I was 16, I was a total bitch before he died and said some cruel things.  He fell into a coma soon after died before I could make amends, I live with that guilt every single day.
+
+I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like this is my last ditch effort.  I just think this is it.  Thanks for listening to my pity party, I'm sorry.",Suicidal
+"Suicide is an escape but it also shows us the way out of pain.28. Jobless. Due to wrong decisions in past, I had left 3 well paying jobs. I'm trying my best to get a job but it is not happening. Due to abusive nature of father, I had to left my previous job and home both.
+
+
+
+I'm not mentally stable or happy since last 8 years. I'm in depression since then. I can't afford to sit idle now. The only thing which is making me live is my mother. I'm living, struggling only because I want to take care of her.
+
+
+She always suggested me not to escape from any situations. But, now I'm sensing it is the only way out for me. I have almost no friends. I can't share my thoughts, regrets or anything with anyone, which I believe is killing me too. I had given 5-6 interviews in last 6 days but no affirmation. Only thing which is killing me is my pathetic sadistic and capricious nature. While I can think that I worth something, most of the times, I believe everyone is living their life perfectly, laughing, enjoying. I don't know what should I do now. It seems ending a life is the final option for me now. ",Suicidal
+"I don't knowTired of the loneliness. Shit always looks like it's going up and then it comes straight back down again. Everytime it does I get closer to planning it out. Nothing gets better unless I change it, and I've got no energy or intelligence to do so. I'm tired of the endless cycle. I don't know how to do it with a belt, but I'm considering downing a bottle of whiskey and hoping for the best. Guess this post doesn't really contribute much, just getting my dumb self pity out there. Hope everyone's good. ",Suicidal
+"I think I’m going to do it on my class trip in October.I’m in college, and one of my classes is taking a mandatory camping trip this semester. I think I might use that as an opportunity to do what I’ve felt compelled to do for years now. I will be away from home, in the middle of nowhere, basically, so there will be no chance of my family being traumatized by finding my body. In fact, where we’re going, I don’t think anyone will. Maybe they’ll just assume I was eaten by a bear or something.
+
+I’m just so done with life. My heart has been in nothing but pain ever since I hit puberty. I hate myself and I’ve given up trying to be someone who’s good enough.",Suicidal
+I was humiliated in class todayI hate going to uni. My classmates hate me and take any opportunity to bully me. My tutor joined in today so I guess no one is on my side. The anxiety makes me want to vomit. I can't get through this anymore. I want to die.,Suicidal
+"Just kinda hit meIt just kinda hit me how fucked up I am. Normal people wouldn’t even consider suicide as an option, but for me it feels like the solution to a lot of problems. For example, I’m in a long term relationship that’s been on the rocks for a long time, but if things ended she would probably be sad for a bit then go back to being normal and doing normal things, I on the other hand would seriously consider and might commit suicide. Idk. Just hit me.",Suicidal
+F everythingWhat the title says. ,Suicidal
+"Adam Lopez Suicide Good Bye Today I'm warning everyone in Los Angeles. I won't be disclosing what part of LA but I will be shooting up a mall later today. Life is cruel and the world is unfair. All my life I've grown up with nothing, my family has been poor and it's because of the government. That's why I started extorting females to send me nudes. What's the point of living anymore. I'm going to leave this planet with a bang. I hope to see my name on the news. "" Adam Jacob Lopez kills 25 bystanders in local mall"". It's funny because you'll never catch me hahahaha! I already have everything planned out. I have a hand gun in my bag and a few rifles already securely placed around my local mall ready for me to pick up when I get there on Christmas day. If you wish not to be killed, don't go to any malls on Christmas day. and I don't mean inside them, I mean near them. I'll be waiting for you all :) If somehow police officers discover me earlier than I anticipated I will blow my brains out live on twitch ready for my fans to see.",Suicidal
+"I Honestly Need HelpIve gotten to the point that I'm looking up methods of suicide to find the one that would hurt the least for me. For details, I'm a 25 year old junior in college still trying to get my undergrad. As of two months ago I quit a heavy daily weed use habit and am struggling against addiction with alcohol too. I've realized yesterday I've lost all my friends as they all moved on to finding new ones and left me reaching out to no response. I can't meet new people because after trying to connect in a conversation, the next day they pretend I'm not there even after a flowing convo for a bit. At this point I'm already heavily medicated by my psychiatrist and the changes they've been making are having no improvement. I've read the best method for ending it is overdose and I'm nearly 50/50 on the idea of doing it at this point. Has anyone ever come back from the brink like this?",Suicidal
+"I want to give upI'm a burden to literally everyone in my life. Everyone would be better off without me. 
+
+My mental health is fucked. It always has been. It's so fucking tiring struggling through every single day and making progress little by little just to fucking break down again. 
+
+I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm ashamed. I hate myself. I wish I wasn't here to witness how much of a fuck up I am and see everyone around me either trying to help me at their detriment or hating me. 
+
+Last time I almost killed myself was 6 years ago, and I didn't because I lived alone and my cat needed me. 
+
+Tonight I know my cat lives with me and my boyfriend, and both of them probably prefer each others company to mine. 
+
+No one needs me. No one's life is improved by me being in it. 
+
+After 6 years I have self harmed tonight. I want to end it. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm such a shitty person I'm not worth it.",Suicidal
+"I dont want to be here anymore.Everything I do is meaningless or subpar.
+
+My family (particularly my mother. R/raisedbynarcissists material) only care anecdotally. All that anyone does is yell and swear at me. I can never sleep. I was thrown out of my mothers house by her landlord and had to move back to town.
+
+Dad says a man gets a job and theres no geographical solution to an emotional problem (in other words he quotes the fucking Sopranos)
+
+I've been hospitalized twice. I'm covered in scars. I'm fucking sick and nobody will help me. 
+
+My only release is 3 hours a day on the weekend when I get to train wrestling in a frigid room. I have four weeks left of that training and then work is going to steal all my free time and the wrestling shows will be gone. 
+
+It was the only thing that gave me life again. I traveled from Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick helping at shows for free and fucking loved every moment.
+
+Now I work this nightmare bullshit job as a pissant rent a cop over 2 hours away from my home by bus and soon that job will take my training from me. 
+
+Next week I have to work 3 to 11 over 2 hours away by bus. Buses shutdown at midnight. 
+
+So I'm going to get trapped on the other side of town.
+
+I started this line of work at 19 and worked for one company for six years. I was hardworking and diligent and made minimum wage the whole time. No raises. No praise. Nothing.
+
+Then I witnessed someone shove a knife through their face and burned out. Shared a news story about then company and got blacklisted. Company claimed we were family. 
+
+Their Corporate funded EAP therapist said in response to the death I witness that nicotine is bad for me and I should stop smoking as that is raising my stress levels. Thanks boomer.
+
+Got hospitalized on my birthday 2019 Therapist on staff suggested BPD, or maybe MDD, or maybe C-PTSD 
+
+(they dunno knows. My family dr says it's all nonsense and nobody knows what meds to try, im sick of taking pills and ""let's just see what happens"" my wait list is two years for diagnostic testing)
+
+And if I have these disorders I would rather be dead.
+
+A year ago I had a home and was in college despite not having any full time work. My ex threw me on the street for not wanting to have children. I burned throughly savings on hotels and planes, flew to Newfoundland and spent a couple months there. 
+
+but my aunt sent me home for being shitty at lawn maintenance.  (Old style newfie. ""I dont believe in this depression nonsense"")
+
+I came home to my moms until her landlord got nosey and made me paranoid. Threatened to evict my grandmother and mother unless she stopped allowing the homeless squatter on property. 
+
+Came to the city and tried to get a job anywhere 
+
+Mcdonalds, Call centers, insurance sales, grocery store anything to get away from this business and nobody will interview me let alone hire me Except to be a pissant rent a cop again.
+
+This isnt a profession it's a goddamn joke. 
+
+I'm a goddamn joke who is amounting to nothing. I'm broke all my money goes to rent. I'm eating once a day. My gym clothes are ruined so I might not even make training this weekend
+
+I'm fucking 30 and have done nothing in life but fail. And all anyone does is remind me.
+
+I cant sleep. I cant breathe. And now as I look at the time I have 3 hours until I have to go to unpaid training for a job I've done my entire adult life and DO NOT WANT ANYMORE. None of this is worth anything anymore. 
+
+I just want to die. I JUST WANT TO DIE.",Suicidal
+"Birthday's are the most depressing for meDon't get me wrong the other 364 days are terrible too...but birthday's especially when the only person who calls you is your mom, reminding you that your life doesn't matter to anyone other than the person who gave it to you.",Suicidal
+"Back in the holeThis time I'm actually considering killing myself noone likes me except for my family that I don't like back. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in life. I have little to no chance of becoming anything
+I hate myself over anyone else
+I don't have the balls to tell the girl like that I like her. I don't want to exist. I wish my parents didn't migrate here so they wouldn't have met each other. They might care for me but I don't. I'm just a big burden. I wish I had a gun. Shooting myself in the head would be so easy. I hate everything I say and do. I can't sleep at night. I hate this. What is the easiest and most painless way to die? I'd also like it to a guarantee. I can't do this anymore. Fuck fuck fuck. I hate this so much. Fuck. I just want to not exist.",Suicidal
+"Does anyone else feel like they are ""meant"" to kill themselves?I have this weird feeling that I have to kill myself, as I was always going to kill myself. It feels sort of prophetic, like that's what this life had in store for me. I don't know it's strange, anyone else feel this way?",Suicidal
+"Chronic and Sustained Isolation (23M)* Every time I see someone's Messenger texts and how many people they talk to, it hits me
+* Every time I hear about someone referencing their friend in another country, it hits me
+* Every time I listen to someone complaining about their long distance relationship, it hits me
+* Every time someone tells me they ""know"" someone who's doing something (know someone who got COVID, know someone who volunteers, know someone from high school), it hits me
+* Every time I see people out and about enjoying themselves, it hits me
+* Every time I hear someone talk about their amazing friends or SO, it hits me
+* Every time I hear someone discuss their travel plans, it hits me
+* Every time I hear about all the friends someone has made from a certain experience, it hits me
+* Every time I hear about someone's plan to visit their best friend in another country, it hits me
+* Every time I hear about their friend's supporting them or referring them for a job application, it hits me
+* Every time I see someone discussing their shopping list and all the presents they want to buy for their friends, it hits me
+* Every time someone talks about how much they miss their friends and wants to hug them, it hits me
+* Every time I see two people I know conversing with each other, it proves they'll form bonds that I never will. It hits me.
+
+My isolation has reached it's breaking point. I don't think I can live in a world where I'm so different from every single person around me. So unfit and tossed aside. So resentful. It seems a bit like a war. Like a race. Them vs me.
+
+It's almost always been this way. I've never seen it different.
+
+Just to be clear, I don't think having someone to talk is going to help me, but it's more so dealing with the feeling of how different and unlikable I am. Furthermore, talking to someone who has all the things above really ruins the relationship between us, due to resentment. Anyways, I don't really see a path.
+
+Thanks for any help in advance.",Suicidal
+"HelpNot really serious about suicide (at least right now), but figured that I could always use some help. So here I am, half the world from where everything meaningful thing to me is for reasons I've recently lost my job, bill is starting to pile up, not sure if I can afford to stay here for any longer. If not, things is gonna get real shitty also for reasons. The only thing which has been keeping me moving is my parents and my girlfriend. I love my parents, but everything is so hard right now for all of us that maybe, just maybe, it would be better off without me. My girlfriend, we are half a fucking world away and since then she has been so fucking distant. I'm not a dumb little shit who doesn't realize what is going on here. I fucking know.
+
+I'm not really trying to suicide when I'm writing this, but I've been thinking about it a lot. I haven't gone out in 3 days, and I feel like I'm hitting on a wall. Everything I'm doing now is so fucking terrible just cause my mind is full of shit. Just looking for a place to pour this all out.",Suicidal
+"this is my titleso honestly i debated even posting here for a while. i rlly dont need someone calling a fucking ambulance to my house but here goes. yeah im suicidal have been for years i grew up in a shitty home and now that im outta that situation im still facing the everyday battle of moving on from that. never rlly had too many friends but  the ones i did have were kinda shitty i got 2 good ones now but there scarce in general, im a transgender that might be some of the reason for my depression. never truly being able to love yourself. family is scarce as well my grandmother is trying her best but i can feel her getting more jaded the more shes around me, im not religious at all i cant force myself to believe something that is so obviously false. ive tried therapy for 5-6 years (obligatory my opinion) therapy in the city is fucking cancer. i tried online therapy but apparently i got too close to my therapist not in like a creepy way just as friends, but that was too much. i have ptsd from past traumatic experiences with my parents, relationship wise i havent been as lucky ive been cheated on beaten almost raped multiple times. i would open up and talk about this to my friends, but theyre guys they just dont understand. girls dont like to talk to me. i think its because i may be trans but i still like girls so that may be quite creepy at times to other people, this is just the tip of the iceberg but im tired of typing. evrything is just numb these days. i lash out at the only people trying to help me and feel shitty about it later. im so down on myself. even when i try not to. i honestly just want someone to hold me. i want to cry but that just doesnt happen anymore",Suicidal
+"AloneI’m alone. No matter how hard I try, my friends don’t care when I’m depressed. They only want to be around me when I’m happy. And I don’t want to burden them either. My only friend I could talk to is on a trip and I don’t want to break their happiness by talking about how bad I am right now. I just don’t know what to do. No one in my life understands more or cares enough to try. I’m really tired of this life. ",Suicidal
+"I'm scared.I'm very scared. I'm sad , I hate myself , I feel so disappointed in myself. I've been contemplating suicide for two years and I was happy for about half a year until recently . 
+I'm so sad , I'm so scared . 
+I want be okay and I want to be happy but I'm so afraid that I might fall back to deep and do something to hurt myself.. I hate it , I know I could do something , I know I want to do something , but I hate that I do.",Suicidal
+"So, Im here for creative ideas or suicideI do not own any property, little to no savings, I got bullied at my last two jobs, I have no career, I have no real friends, I have a mother that supports me and I live in the same flat with her. Im 22 years old, my job sucks, I have no motivation to comtinue this shit. I speak German (fluently), Italian and English. Currently, I live in Northern Italy and Im contemplating suicide. So, Im open for new ideas, that do not pressure me into killing myself. I had the thought to go to Germany and start training on a real Job? 
+But Im not sure if anyone actually wants me. I would also do a lot of Jobs nobody would like to do, I just want to get out of my shitty Job in logistics. I only carry heavy shit all day and I have no job security. In a month or so I will also be unemployed again. My current life is a mess and I dont see a future the way Im living life currently. At any time a robot could replace me and I have no real skills. Im setting myself a deathline, if my situation doesnt improve until the age of 24/25, I will shoot my fuckin head off.",Suicidal
+"God I can really do it this timeI'm not sad, I'm so pissed. 
+
+I just got into a HUGE argument with my long distance ex-boyfriend who broke up with me because I have the misconception that most white people have racist views. And instead of talking about the issue with me, showing me what I'm thinking wrong, and understanding for a fucking MINUTE that my views extend from all my self-loathing and anxieties all he cared about was telling me how wrong I am until he basically said he told me to fuck off.
+
+I'm very far from a perfect fucking person. But when you tell someone you never loved anyone like you love them, would never leave them EVER, talk about how devastated you would be without them then tell them to screw off because they a fucking social outcast that has a malinformed and maladjusted way to dealing rejection that's a new fucking low.
+
+I can't trust ANYONE. And I will never trust another motherfucker. All I want to do is bleed and get out of this piece of shit world where everyone is a LIAR and user. I used to think I hated myself but I really just hate being here SO MUCH. I can't stand people. God how I fucking hate this world that's given me nothing but shit.
+
+I won't miss it. None of you.",Suicidal
+"Standby?I know someone who owns a shotgun and has been suicidal for years. He recently told me that he doesn’t think he can make it to the end of 2019. He hasn’t replied to my messages since, I know he didn’t do it, because he wouldn’t do it so soon, but he is going to do it very soon. I last talked to him a few days ago. Is it wrong that I messaged a company that he worked for and gave his name telling them a warning? He programmed this companies website or something. Is that none of my business? Is it wrong for me to do that? And last if all, if he does commit suicide, will I be to blame because I’m the last person he’s talked to?
+
+QUESTION: WILL I BE BLAMED FOR HIS SUICIDE? WHAT DO I DO?
+
+
+I do not know this man in real life I only known him online for a year",Suicidal
+People who would Care if I diedThe only people who would care if I died are five of my family members. And for the most part they would just be mad because they would see me as the killer of their son/brother/grandson instead of actually missing me. ,Suicidal
+"Who do you talk to when you don't want to talk at all anymore?I've been sitting here staring at a blinking cursor for almost an hour because its hard to think of the right things to say.  I think I've reached my breaking point.  I'm 26 years old and have battled depression all my life.  My family moved around a lot and I went to 12 different schools all together so I have no home and no real friends, just acquaintances.
+
+I remember the first time I wanted to stop living.  I was 8 years old.  My parents did nothing to try and help me.  Their idea of support was to yell at me until I stopped showing any emotion at all.
+
+No one has any idea of what I've been going through all my life.  I'm so tired all the time.  All I do is sleep.
+
+I don't know what to do.  Just typing these few sentences has been absolutely exhausting, the idea of talking to anyone seems impossible.  All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up again.",Suicidal
+"I see myself as selfish.Everyday I think about committing suicide, even though I have wonderful opportunities.
+I feel like I’m being ungrateful for wanting to die after all I have worked for.
+Part of the reason I want to die is because of the flashbacks I have from PTSD, but I also have chronic migraines which take over my life. I can’t go to school some days because it���s so bad. 
+I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked for due to migraines, and if I do, I would probably end my life.",Suicidal
+"Pouring my heart out before the endHere's the brief history of me before I cease to exist.
+
+Born in Arizona to military family. Immediately moved to Hawaii. Went to preschool and kindergarten there. Also got Crash Bandicoot trilogy for the PS1 from my Hawaiian Studies teacher. 
+
+Moved back to Arizona for elementary school. Can't remember much besides the best golden retriever ever. Also break my wrist riding on the handlebars of Sister 1's bike. 
+
+Moved to Southern Virginia. Mom went crazy from sometime around here due to a severe case of glaucoma. She quit her job and sat at home. She's doing better, just got a new job in her 50s. Sister 1 got a little Yorkshire Terrier, skipped a bunch of hillbilly high school to watch Maury and try drugs. She's doing better. Golden Retriever suffered through puppy Yorkie while she slowly died from cancer. We put her down instead. I miss you G, you were the perfect dog and I should've loved you more. 
+
+Moved to Northern Virginia. Went to middle school and high school here. Mom and Dad both deployed. Sister 2 got into heavy drugs. Friend went to mental institution. Another friend committed suicide by revolver. I became deeply depressed and gave up my stupid dream of being a game developer. 
+
+Junior year. Get super into drawing. Find Mark Crilley on YouTube. Draw everyday. Fill up sketchbooks with depressing art and sexy anime babes. Realize I don't have what it takes to be an artist after years of little progress. Give up.
+
+Graduate HS with advanced diploma. Go to community college and work at McDonald's part-time. Complete math and drop out of English due to conflicts between me and professor. Quit McDonalds after 3 weeks.
+
+Spend 14-18 hours a day on YouTube. Hardly eat. Spend most time in bed. Masturbate profusely. Realize I'm on a fast train to nowhere. Try to join Air Force, fail 2 specialty tests and am told I will wait 6 months to ship and I'll get my job after BMT. Fuck that.
+
+Enlist in army with bonus. Try to weasel out of it because I am a weak pathetic insect. Somehow pass. Get to job training. Like job. Pass #4 in class. Get to real army. Sucks terribly.
+
+Go to behavioral health because I think about suicide constantly, don't clean room, rarely eat, don't sleep. Get fed some B's and given pills that didn't do anything for me. Try another psychologist. Same deal. 
+
+Become dead inside and focus solely on job. Fast tracked on promotions. Waivered to E4. Graduated 17 out of 162 at NCO academy. Be on color guard.
+
+I still fucking hate this lonely empty existence. I probably die from cancer anyways, 3/4 grandparents had it. Never felt loved, accepted, or had deep close relationships.
+
+There's no point in living a life like this. It doesn't matter how good I am at my job, doesn't matter what my college degree is.
+
+I'm sick of being a ghost in this world.",Suicidal
+"It's back.It's been months ago since I seriously thought of ending my life. I've been depressed for more than 5 years but I never bothered to get myself solutions until recently, which was 6 months ago. I went to therapy for about 2 months but I had to stop due to logistical reasons. I found a replacement therapist but I cancelled my appointment the last minute. I thought I was getting better -- I'm going out more often, I'm more willing to meet and trust new people, I'm starting to like myself again, I'm functioning like _normal_. But I viewed everything through rose-colored glasses. I'm not getting better. I didn't get any progress. I didn't gain friends. I've built this delusion of belongingness and family that I thought I've steered away from the demons in my head. They're still here. They never left and I just made things worse. I hate myself. My _friends_ are better off without someone like me in their life. The world is infinitely a better place without me in it. The voices are back and I just want them to stop. ",Suicidal
+"The inertia's finally running outI've spent the last 2 or so years suppressing my desire to kill myself, to finally die and not have to deal with any of this shit anymore, and I don't even know why. I don't know why I've kept going until this point, other than the fact that I'm too poor to buy a gun. I dream about it. I fantasize about it. It's the only remaining thing I have to look forward to- my job is a dead end, I'm not going to college, I have no real friends, nothing to make me want to stick around. I'm beyond the point where this is just a quick escape from a bad situation- my life has been shitty and pointless for years now and I'm sick of coasting along just because I can't bring myself to do anything else. I'm unwilling to put the time and effort into spending years in college to maybe change something, or to try and find a new shitty job that pays just as little that amounts to nothing more than a change of scenery, or to find someone to talk to about this to try and hear them explain why my life is a precious thing I shouldn't waste or some shit like that.  I'm just sick of this. There is not a single aspect of my life that appeals to me in any way any longer, and I'm tired of staying in a world I don't want to be part of just because it's expected of me. I just want to end this, I've dragged it out long enough already. I don't stand to gain anything by continuing in this grain, all that'll happen is I'll just postpone it even longer. 
+
+Hell, I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this, because at the end of the day I'm just gonna force myself to go to work in a few hours like nothing's wrong, then come home to dream about finding a loaded gun again. I don't want to be talked out of it, I don't have any way to do it in the first place. I guess I'm just doing this because this is the kind of thing suicidal people are supposed to do. I genuinely don't care if any of you are interested in trying to talk me out of this, I just feel like saying shit that there's no way I could say under my real name.",Suicidal
+Unpopular opinion maybeBut there should be a place where we can discuss good suicide methods. Can't find a decent one anywhere and most of the ones I've seen seem either severely painful or slow. It would be nice to have a peaceful exit from this worthless life.,Suicidal
+"Out of the Game. Well, I'm going to go along with the option of suicide. I utterly despise my life and this world. I'm a young person (17 year old male and high school senior), but enough is enough. I've barely started this game but I'm going to permanently log myself out of it for eternity. I've decided to leave a vast note behind for anyone that wants to understand why I did what I did. It might be extremely confusing and out of the ordinary for most people, but that is how my thought process goes. 
+
+I'm getting strong medication from someone that attends the same local public high school as I do. I have my parent's alcohol to consume that will counteract the drug to make death more probable. Overdose is not the safest and easiest way to go, it's actually pretty idiotic, but it will have to do. Nothing can fix my situation. All other avenues are not approachable or helpful. ",Suicidal
+"Feel like I lost myselfThis past year has just been really hard. I started as a straight A student and am now failing all my classes. No one likes me, the only people who are around me are only in it for my money. At my job I know everyone hates me, I'm not exaggerating or anything its just a common fact. I nearly overdosed on cocaine. I got caught up in prostitution, and drug production. I've last track of all my friends. Now all I'm surrounded by are people who just want to use me. I let them because I don't have anyone else. I don't know how to escape it all. This week I'm getting a draco. I just feel so lost in this mess, and I don't have anyone to turn to. My family kicked me out when I was 14, this gang has been the only thing there for me over the years. If I leave I'm leaving the only people that have been there for me over the years. Who bailed me out of jail. Who took care of me when I OD'ed, but I know theyre only there cause I bring in the digits. Everything feels so blurry. I'm going to turn the draco on myself. ",Suicidal
+"What is the point of surviving?That's all I'm doing. Surviving. Existing. Merely going through the necessary processes to 'live' on a biological level.
+
+Every person must find their own way. But what of those that have given up the journey? You can't make me walk, you can't change my neurochemistry.
+
+You can't find my reason to live for me.
+
+But I can't find it for myself.
+
+I sought respite in selfless service and found it to be unsatisfactory. I sought respite in expressing myself artistically and through creative endeavors and soon it all went gray. I keep seeking, even if it's only small steps for one simple reason.
+
+If I snuff out my own light, I better have exhausted my ideals. I better have walked many paths to dissatisfaction before deciding there is no purpose or ideal that can galvanize me to live.
+
+Life should be about living, not surviving.",Suicidal
+Here I am againI keep posting on this sub... I'm not getting better but I keep trying to take things day by day. It's so fucking hard. I just want to have the courage to fucking end it. What holds me back?,Suicidal
+"I don’t want to wake upI’ve been in bed for the past 3 days. I’ve been faking at home sick so I don’t have to go to school. My depression is at an all time worst. My dog passed away a few weeks ago. My parents are the main cause of my sadness, and have recently told me I’m not allowed to go away to college next year. I have no friends at this point, as I don’t feel any urge to go outside of my house anymore. I just want my pain to end. I’m too scared to kill myself. I just wanna go back to sleep and not wake up.",Suicidal
+"Is this normal?I think about the past when I was happier and I didn't feel like this and I miss it, but I don't want to go back.",Suicidal
+"What's happening to me. All of sudden I realize I don't want to live. The many things I've tried to sweep under the rug are staring me in the face.I'm in my mid-twenties, male, short stature. I feel so sick lately. I admit I haven't had a good amount of sleep due to nightshift hours, but my negative thinking (which is not so usual for me) have been immense. 
+
+I recently quit weed and alcohol after years of abusing it, mostly in isolation. During this time my ex gf made many attempts to reconnect with me and even more so recently. We hung out a bit, then I let it go. I just sat in kind of wait for what would happen, knowing I was too scared to make a move. Mainly because she took a very healthy turn in her life in the years we had apart and I really didn't. She just got a new bf and though I want her to be happy with a good person, I came to realise she was one of the best people in my life, more caring than anyone else I've know. My short stature does make it harder to simply find an S/O, confidence was my game with women but I've lost it. Re-built it many times, but now I have no energy left.
+
+I'm eating healthy, going to the gym, working, just not coping at all. Sleep is difficult, I stay awake because I'm scared to close my eyes and have suicidal thoughts. I'm strongly considering smoking weed again an accepting my fate as a low-life because I don't have much going for me.
+
+I feel like I tick many boxes of a person who commits suicide.
+
+* Mental issues
+* Unsteady employment (have not kept a job for longer than 9 months)
+* Un qualified in any field
+* Relationship problems
+* Was emotionally abused growing up
+* Drug/alcohol abuser
+* Isolation
+* The big 5: neuroticism, agreeableness, openness, extraversion, and conscientiousness describe me perfectly
+
+
+All these things stacked against me confirms that this is not just a small feeling that will pass. It's the beginning of something. I feel like I am in very deep. I have feel-good moments in the day, but I want to end my life because the suicidal thoughts/ideas are unbearable. 
+
+I want to see my gp. Last time I was prescribed anti-depressants they made me feel much worse.
+
+As I said I want to just smoke weed again. I've smoked weed since 16 and it has got me through all this shit. It did make some things worse - losing lisence, expelled from school, losing gf, family fights. I just can't win. Smoking weed with someone helps, on my own not so much.
+
+I don't want to leave my brother. He struggles with depression too. He's an awesome guy and has done everything right. I can't bare to cause immense pain to my family, especially not him. It's the last thing he deserves. He's what's holding me back from this. But the immense pain and lack of solution is making me crazy.. I just want to feel good about myself and life again. I want to have ambitions and confidence again. To speak clearly and be assertive again. I feel like I've slipped away completely and will only ever ""cope"" with my new-found reality. I was deluded before, now I see the picture properly and it's too hard to look at. 
+
+I have many regrets. People say look to the future and not the past, but in my past I was so misguided and my actions have directly hindered my ability to have an organised, easy-going life. 
+I'm scared and I don't know what else to do. I can keep going for now. I'm just scared if this keeps up I will not be able to go on, especially come birthday time etc. I lost many friends, I emotionally my hurt family, I can't bare this shame and regret.",Suicidal
+Should I kill myself tonightAbused since childhood yet over coddled,Suicidal
+"i'm too dumb, ugly and sick for a normal lifei only deserve eternal suffering without end",Suicidal
+"Now what?It has been about 2 years since my wife developed a drinking problem. It is the strangest thing. She doesn’t even drink a lot. She has as little as a small grass of wine and becomes Mr. Hyde. She has been abusive to our three children and myself during these episodes. She has been hospitalized for the drinking and mental health issues on two occasions. We have been together for 15 years. I love her. Damn do I love her.
+
+Starting in early February I tried to leave on a couple occasions. On the most recent occasion, I slept with a woman other than my wife for the first time in our relationship. It was fairly good sex but shortly after parting ways for the night it occurred to me that I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than my wife. Sex without love just doesn’t seem worth it. I love my wife. I went home. Things were good for a week or so.
+
+We had been dealing with a stressful housing situation for several months and that finally ended. We had a day off together. The kids were in school and we just spent the day together in bed. No sex just being together. It was great. The next day she went to work and had a glass of wine at lunch. Mr. Hyde came home and we argued. I tried my damndest to keep her together but she left. Took a cab to her mom’s and called me a couple days later begging for another chance. I told her that I loved her and that I would always give her another chance. She said her mom would bring her home the next day. The next day came and she wouldn’t answer the phone. She text me that night to say that she wasn’t coming home. She said she was tired of disappointing me and that she knew deep down that she would never stop the drinking. I drove down to her moms house to find out she went to his house.
+
+He is a person she had described as her little brother. He was a part of a friends group she ran with as a kid/teenager. He has spent 12 of the last 15 years in and out of prison. Forgery, car theft, burglary, aggravated assault and theft round out his activities. These days it isn’t hard for inmates to get cell phones and 2 years ago I noticed that she posted this on his Facebook.
+
+“Miss you! Thinking of you all and I hope you are doing okay. I dreamed of you last night, so I hope all is well. xoxo”
+
+I thought that was inappropriate for a married woman to send to another man and I asked her to stop talking to him. She agreed and complied for a couple years until he was released on 2/17/2020. She started talking to him at work or when I left the house. I found out but she just reiterated that he was just like a little brother. When I found out that she went to him. I lost it. I drove to California and got stupid stoned. I walked a hole in my thighs pacing miles down the beach. She called me right as I got back in my truck. She called me a coward for leaving the kids with her mom. Ran me down some more and guilted me into returning to northern Arizona. I got home at 3am. She was sleeping next to her phone and I picked it up, read her text to him and knew they where romantic. I woke her. She told me it was over. I begged. She was steadfast. I told her I couldn’t live without her. She was steadfast. She ran out of the house and I walked away, got in my truck and called the Suicide Prevention Hotline. (what a joke that is) They sent the police to the house and she tried to coax me home with the police listening in on speaker phone. I knew better and drove to Phoenix. I had a plan but didn’t want to die. I love myself, I love being a husband and a father. This was 2/25/2020.
+
+She told me she was going to focus on herself. Learn how to be independent. We met when she was 18. I was 21. She had almost no life skills. I pretty much raised her. She was a ward of the state and her parents never prepared her for life neither did the state. She spent most of her teenage years in juvenile prison. She moved into a shelter in Northern AZ and I lived in my truck in Phoenix. The shelter kicked her out for testing positive for drugs. She pawned our kids off on her mom and moved in with him. Our business was over now as a result of all that had happened and I got a physically demanding job. I slept in my truck, showered at the gym and busted my ass. We talked. I tried to be a friend to her. I need her in my life. One night while I was working she called me and I walked away from the line and hid while talking to her. He pissed her off and she ran to me. I told her I would do whatever I had to do to get her back. We ended the conversation with 30 or so I love you’s back and forth. The next day she said she had no memory of that conversation. She was blacked out. I was doing okay before that. Then I was crushed. Again. She text me later that night to tell me that our 13 year old daughter had stole her grandmas pot and given it to my wife. I called my daughter on my lunch break and she told me that my wife had put her up to it. Going so far as to boost my daughter into an unlocked window to go get this pot. Who was this person? It was totally out of character. I turned her in and went and got my babies. That was 3/7/2020.
+
+It was easy to pretend to hate her after that. I felt better about having lost her as she wasn’t the same person anymore. I ignored her texts. I made arraignments for my daughters to stay at their respective best friends and my son and I stayed with a friend. Last weekend she called me to ask if I could locate her phone. She got into it with him. Left his house, drank a half gallon of vodka and somehow fell and broke a rib. Come to find out he was pushing her to file for divorce and she wasn’t ready. My mother-in-law told me that this asshole used to beat his mom. It has become obvious that he is trying to isolate her. He is pretty much going through the check list of shit that abuses do to trap their victims. I love my wife.
+
+I don’t know what to do. My job is on hiatus because of Corona. My wife is wrapped up in a psycho. My kids are begging me to fight for full custody. I’m basically homeless. I’m suicidal. I need to run. If I keep doing this I’m afraid I will kill myself or him. If I leave her the kids and run they will hate me and probably end up in state custody. I want to run. I’m useless to my kids like this.",Suicidal
+"DO NOT DIE!You have all the time you need. Pain, sorrow all of it goes away. It is called habituation. I mean try and try again. These attempts alone are achievements in themselves.",Suicidal
+"Today I tried to die.I have been listening to this song for the last I don't know how long. It's Daniel again, by the way. 
+[Cartel - Wasted](http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=d-PGNFRGw9U)
+
+Basically I'm thinking of every possible way to die because this is bullshit I'm so sick of feeling like this and there's literally no point to life. Like I just don't give a fuck anymore. Nothing is going right for me. I have no friends. I have no family that loves me. I have nothing. I'm broke, got kicked out the other day, living on the streets, seventeen. 
+
+I guess this will be the last post I make.
+Thanks for the times reddit, though they weren't all very good.
+
+",Suicidal
+"(15f) i don't know what to do anymorefrom an open perspective, my life actually looks pretty good right now. i have decent friends, i'm going to a good school and not failing, and i have access to technology. compared to most people, my life doesn't seem that shitty. but sometimes, the expectations simply overwhelm me. i want to work hard for my parents and my siblings so that they can retire peacefully
+
+my parents expect me to be the very best by getting all A's and doing well in the SAT, which is only normal for a parent to want. it's just so hard to be good for everyone else. i can't anymore. at this point, i'm not motivated to try and it's difficult to do simple tasks like waking up every morning. i was clean from self-harming for almost 4 months, but everything changed in the summer. now i can't go a day without self-harming or contemplating suicide. 
+
+i just don't want to be a disappointment. it's so fucking difficult when you get critiqued for everything you do. when people ask me how i am, i always say that i'm tired. i'm tired of having to live in a repetitive cycle of bullshit, unable to fulfill anyone's expectations of me. i'm so damn tired. not only am i not good enough for other people, i'm not good enough for myself. i don't have the right to feel this way when there's others with more difficult situations. 
+
+i don't know if it's worth it to suck it up and live for the sake of my friends, or just selfishly end it all. i attempted twice, it didn't work out, and now i'm just lost.",Suicidal
+"Should happenShould I drive to a hospital before blowing my brains out?  I smoked and drank, though, so would they be able to get organs from me?",Suicidal
+"I wish everything was just overHapiness is a lie. Winning is impossible. Life is just a series of lies, failures, pain, almosts and the only peace you'll find is in death.
+
+It's a fact and don't you fucking deny it.
+
+I've done EVERYTHING I can do to improve myself and my situation without ruining everything else and I can safely say that it doesn't get better. It gets even worse and worse. People say that it gets better for them, not for me. Some people have their dreams come true, not for me, only nightmares.
+
+I give up. ",Suicidal
+"I officially have no reason to continue living anymoreI used to say I want to stay alive for my parents but im so out of it now not even they are enough for me to keep doing this, Im not close to them anymore and they fucked my childhood pretty bad. Anyways thats all I wanted to say, im just stuck in this limbo right now where im not doing anything meaningful with my life, or anything at all as a matter of fact.",Suicidal
+"What’s the point?What is the point of continuing to survive if you don’t see life going anywhere. I had ideas for the future, but they no longer seem reachable. And by reachable I mean like there’s no way I’ll live that long to achieve them. Just in my mind their all blurry, because I know inside that I won’t last that long. 
+
+I have no more motivation from anyone or anything. Life is just a burden, and I’m just waiting for an accident to happen. 
+
+My mental state is going crazy, I’m too young to get help, but my parents don’t care.
+
+I had a therapist, but I realized that they are not what I need.
+
+I’m too much of a cowardly introvert to seek help without the knowledge of my parents.
+
+It seems like this is it for me, because life has just stopped. 
+
+I have now gotten memory loss so I don’t remember anything from my past. And a wall in my brain prevents me from imagining my future. 
+
+I’m just stuck in a limbo.
+
+What is the point?",Suicidal
+PleasePlease. I want to die. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.,Suicidal
+Wish I could live in an different worldThis world sucks,Suicidal
+"End of my ropeI'm literally sitting here staring at the rope, already knotted to where I would go unconscious before I would suffocate, and wanting to just be done with it all. I've been chronically sick the last few months that has left me in pain despite being in and out of the hospital over it, my dead end job where I'm working a job a couple pay grades above me without the actual pay, and just tonight my husband of 2 years decided he hated me over the fact I have to sleep more lately from the illness so I can work which means I don't always wake up for our little girl when she wakes up in the middle of the night.
+
+I'm done with my chest always feeling like its on fire or being slowly stabbed. I'm done with having no respect at my job. And I don't want to even feel the pain of the man I love so deeply hating me for something I can't control.
+
+edit: because of you guys, I was able to put my rope away and go to bed so I could get up a couple hours later for work. while nothing changed at work, Hubby and I were able to work something out so I wouldn't end up like I did last night.",Suicidal
+"I went to bed yesterday praying I don't wake upWell, that didn't happen
+
+The worst part is, there are so many people, useful members of society, talented and gifted, who just pass away like that
+
+Meanwhile me, who hasn't done anything productive and who just wastes oxygen is here to stay, because I'm too big of a pussy to actually do something
+
+
+The world is so, so fucking unfair. There are so many other people who deserve all I've got, and I'm just wasting it away. The guilt I feel is immeasurable",Suicidal
+"Do you think some people are never supposed to exist at all?In terms of eugenics or whatever, I feel that some people, such as myself, were never supposed to exist and would be doing the world a favor if they ended it. For clarification, I was born with a craniofacial anomaly where my skull plates were fused together at birth, otherwise known as Saethre-Chotzen syndrome. As a result, I have slight hearing loss, a small jaw, a horseshoe scar from both sides of my skull and extremely low self-esteem because my face is not perfectly symmetrical. Even if I didn't suffer from clinical depression, I feel that I should never have been born because people with genetic issues are deficient and are not supposed to procreate, for fear of passing on that gene that makes them deficient. 
+Furthermore, for over half my life I have felt that I was never supposed to exist and have contemplated suicide since before I was 12 ( I am now a month away from my 24th birthday) and my family is riddled with mental and substance abuse issues on both sides. 
+I have no discernible traits or talents aside from my ability to read books and analyze tv. I have attempted to date people from dating apps but I haven't been able to find the right people and I am convinced that if I were to survive another 20 years or so, it will be as a completely single person, possibly with multiple cats. I have had friends in the past, but they have all left me, possibly knowing how crazy and weird I truly am. 
+
+Basically, I have almost always known that I was going to die by my own hand and within the past year have come to terms with the fact that I will end everything after my grandparents pass, which will most likely be in less than five years. This makes sense as they are the only people who have truly been able to care for me as parents should. My biological father has never been able to be there for me and my mother has tried in her own way but sees her children as people who have an obligation to take care of her, and bail her out,  even when she messes up her own life due to the fall out from being addicted to drugs and alcohol for so long.",Suicidal
+"I slowly become happy of suicide.I have depression, but i supress it with gym and other stuff. Thoughts of suicide never left me, now i kinda think about it like good thing that will happen :(. Other day i thought about getting shirt : just hanging. and hang myself, it seemed like cool and fun idea to do. I dont think its healthy way to live, yet i seem happy. When im truly happy i forget about suicide tho.",Suicidal
+I ruined my life and there's no point anymoreMy compulsive lying and mental instability ruined my relationship with the only person in my life I love more than anything. Now I have no relationship no goals or anything in life and no one would fucking want me with all the baggage I come with. I break literally everything in my life. From my car to my phone to my job and now the love of my life. I feel like he would be better off without me. I'm 24 years old and can't do adult things. I ruined our future. I don't deserve a future.,Suicidal
+Suicide fantasy and planning is my only joyI am 36 and done with life.  Major depression during my adult life.  It is just lies that things get better for people like me.  Not interested in being on this shit planet.  But man do I feel a burst of energy when I start planning my suicide.  Anyone else feel that way?  Thinking about suicide used to make me cry.  Then that stopped... Three months ago I realized with a shock I had lost a lifelong fear of heights.  Not here for long!,Suicidal
+"UglyI feel so bad, because I come from a wealthy family, I have many advantages in this world, many people wish they had my life, but I don't want that. The only thing that I want is to be handsome. I'm fucking ugly AF. All of my family members are attractive, why was I born ugly? I can't even write a proper suicide note",Suicidal
+I missed my own warning signs.I somehow didn't notice the not even first time descent into depression. I know myself and my behaviors but I did put anything together until I was at the bottom of the pit and drowning. I feel like my own feelings are fake because they don't make sense and I don't know what to do.,Suicidal
+"I want to kill myself but why can't I :(I've posted here several times. Since the first time I posted, things haven't been better. This shit has no ""rock bottom"". It's endless. I've been imagining my lifeless body with a cable around my neck every single day, every waking hour for maybe a month. I think of nothing else. I have completely withdrawn from my friends. My mother only talks to me to tell me every bad thing happening to our family is my fault although I haven't said a thing to her in a month. Istg if I don't hang myself I might actually strangle her.",Suicidal
+"Being GhostedLove of my life is ghosting me and it hurts. He said he would be online today to talk and then just never showed up. Nothing. Not to apologize. Not to let me know he can't talk and needs to reschedule. Literally radio silence. I feel like a piece of trash, overlooked. I feel lied to and unwanted. I've begged him to not do this, but it keeps happening over and over.
+
+Maybe it's a hint that I should be one? If I don't exist while I'm alive, might as well be dead, amirite?",Suicidal
+"I feel like I'll die alone and miserableI've gone through this with my family multiple times, but all they do is complain about me feeling sad all the time... So, I feel like I'll end up alone. The only romantic relationship I've had was with a girl who I though was the love of my life. She made me happy, she made me feel good about myself. I was considering marrying this girl. However, I had a massive mental breakdown at some point, and I started opening up about my past, and the fact that I have depression. I told her that I want to end my own life once in a while and she said to me ""Okay, Anon (I'd prefer to not have my name out here), you scare me."". I felt fine for a while about her since I apologised for acting weird.
+
+ However 1 month later she is not responding to my text messages or calls at all and seems to have gone silent, 2 weeks after that she responds to me saying that she has been cheating on me for 1 month... It broke my heart and I went on an episode of smoking, doing drugs and drinking, and now I feel empty. The one girl that made me happy... gone. I'm way too shy to talk to anyone outside my close friend group due to my social anxiety and my depression makes me feel like I'm a worthless piece of garbage that doesn't deserve love. I'm fairly certain that I'll end up on the streets with nothing to my name and no one that cares about me.
+
+ Sorry about the long post, but I feel like I needed to get this out somewhere.",Suicidal
+"Trigger warning: my mam wants to commit because of me and my brothersI was talking with my mom earlier about the state of the house, she said we never show her respect (she’s never in the house and I always do the best I can) and she says the way my brothers treats makes her suicidal, she burst out crying saying we don’t respect her and I’m trying my best but she just focuses on my brothers (as usual) and I don’t know what to do lm so scared and I blame myself, what do I do",Suicidal
+"I’m tryingThe only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the fact that I’m scared of how much it will hurt and i know everyone around me will be disappointed. I don’t know what to do anymore.
+
+My parents always compare me to everyone who is better than me in even the slightest way. I worry so much about my grades that I stop taking care of myself. I’ve tried to talk to them but they just yell at me and call me weak. My friends try to help but in the end they aren’t much better off than I am and I can’t keep going on like this. I just wish they could see that I’m trying as much as I can right now.  
+
+People always say it gets better but I don’t see it happening anytime soon.",Suicidal
+"please tell me how to kill myself.please tell me: how can i reliably kill myself, with the least pain and risk involved?
+the only reason i haven't tried this in over 5 years is because i am scared of surviving, and staying alive crippled forever after with no opportunity to kill myself again. that thought frightens me and i just want to die. 
+how do i do it?
+please, don't come at me with bullshit like 'it will get better', 'life is what you make of it', 'hold on, try harder' and shit like that. i have heard those hollow rehearsed phrases and lies all too often, and they only aggravate me because they show your ignorance.
+
+don't tell me how to stay alive. tell me how i can reliably off myself. please.",Suicidal
+"im donefuck islam,  fucking piece of shit of a religion. fuck muhammed and fuck any of his stubborn retarded followers. it robbed me my life and the people who were supposed to be there for me. So many people show support to their kids for going their own path, but I cant live a double life any longer. I cant keep acting fake, it ruins my nights, I cant sleep and i sleep too little only to act as a person Im not anymore. last time it went out, my family and friends wanted me dead. Its been 3 years and i still cant adapt. I just want a good night sleep, just no thoughts. im 22, im too young for this shit",Suicidal
+"Giving up with lifeI've had enough with life. I had a few months where life actually seemed beautiful. No one gives a fuck, no one believes anything I say. I'm not strong enough to sit with something like this on my conscience. It's been eating away at me the past month and I can't do this any more. I've got myself into a state, I wish I didn't have a conscience. Cutting up my arms/legs only does so much to mute the pain. I fuck everything up. I'm sorry to everyone whose had the misfortune to meet me. There is no point going on as I can't forgive myself. This feels like the only way out for me.",Suicidal
+"Help?Can anybody tell me if they get the following thing happen ever ;
+I went to my girlfriends house to meet some more members of her family, had a couple beers and it was alright. But i got home, sat down and it instantly felt like I hadn't even gone out like i couldn't remember things about the day, no happy thoughts or anything, making me feel shit, again, like always. 
+
+That's the thing isn't it, this life, is so fucking repetitive. Of course I have dreams, i dream of moving out with my girlfriend into a flat and having a kid, i dream of making my own little online graphics design store. But with this mindset, I'm not doing fuck all. 
+I need this to change. 
+
+Suicide seems appropriate to end the cycle of boredom but nobody really wants to kill themselves.",Suicidal
+Suicidal Over CircumcisionI hate my genitals.,Suicidal
+"I don't get shitI don't know, I really don't know what to do.
+
+One day I started to not give a fuck about anything in my life and so I slowly lost interest in life,  
+now I'm someone who never goes outside, I don't have any friends too. And If I do I just leave em hanging because I really don't care. I tried getting a hobby, I tried a lot of things out and nothing clicked for me, I always knew that I'm talent less, but the fact that I don't even find something that brings me joy in life kinda annoys me. I'm really bad at school too, even If I try.
+
+I just really don't know what to do,  
+I made plans to kill myself after I move from my parents house.",Suicidal
+"I'm honestly soo lost and not even sure what to do anymore.I'm 21 years old and i have strabismus (its similar to lazy eye) and i honestly feel as if it has ruined my life and i don't really want to continue living if the surgery i will have soon doesn't work but i also do not want to cause my family any trauma and i really need help.  
+
+I have had this problem with my appearance since i was 1 year old and i suffered so much bullying in my school years because of it. I have also never been in a reltionship or know what it's like to have mutual feelings with someone. I have friends but i don't spend much time with them because of social anxiety. I feel as if my youth has been robbed from me because of this stupid eye problem. I feel like my life will not be getting any better if i continue to live with this problem.  
+
+ I have been working and have saved money for 2 years to try to get it fixed with surgery , if my eye problem is fixed, then i can begin to try and fix my emotional damage and my underdeveloped social skills but if it does not work, i am not even sure how i can continue to live like this. (the doctor has told me that it is likely not going to work)  please help me. I don't want to die but i feel like its my only option",Suicidal
+"I hate my life. There's no point to it anymore.The option of suicide keeps crossing my mind lately. I hate it so much but I honestly don't see a downside to it at this point. Nobody gives a fuck about me. Nobody's life would change at all if i were just suddenly gone. Not one single person would even notice if I were suddenly gone. None of my ""friends"" will even talk to me anymore and I honestly have no clue why. Not like I've done something to piss off any of them. I end up sitting alone in my bedroom alone day after day, trying to get some of my ""friends"" to hang out with me, even just for a little bit. I end up just sitting around, alone and forgotten. It's like some vicious circle. Being alone and forgotten makes me more depressed, yet being depressed makes people ignore you. Until you decide that living a life of depression isn't worth it anymore and you take the most obvious way out. Then, of course, everybody talks about how that person was such a good friend, and how great a person they were, even if they didn't fucking know the lonely bastard. Seen it happen so many times already in my short life.
+
+I'm so tired of feeling like i'm fighting for my sanity constantly. I don't really even want to commit suicide. I just want this loneliness, this emptiness, to go away. I so desperately need a shoulder to cry on, but those closest to me have turned their backs on me. I don't even know what the fuck to do anymore. Nothing excites me anymore. I have nothing to look forward to when I wake up in the morning. I feel like I have reason to live anymore.",Suicidal
+"I told my friend my plan and I shouldn’t have done that.There’s nothing he can do. I shouldn’t have said anything to him. Neither one of us are adults, and he’s not even in the state anymore. He doesn’t even know exactly where my house is. God I shouldn’t have said anything because now he’s stressed and worried. He was telling me drugs were helping him, and I told him I doubt they’d help me. I then told him I plan on taking a foreign language class abroad for the sole purpose of suicide. I shouldn’t have said anything. I feel bad for it",Suicidal
+"People have abused, neglected, suppressed my potential to such a degree that in the future i'd probably consider murdering a person.Emotional abuse of a child is commonly defined as a pattern of behavior by parents or caregivers that can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development.
+
+Stimulation of children in early development stages forms their character for the future. With weak mental stimulation, there is poor mental development in children, resulting in problems like poor school learning, lower intellectual ability, unstable emotional reactions and many more. Additionally, intellectual development is affected by the traits exhibited by the parents.
+
+Talking to children provides one of the most effective forms of stimulus for child mental development. Research has shown when parents interact with the child a great deal; there is better cognitive, social and emotional development in children, leading to better skills at mathematics, enhanced reasoning and self-expression.
+
+I feel like mental and emotional under-stimulation combined with abuse have severely damaged my cognition and sense of well being. Memories of being neglected, taunted, and abused other the years has driven me to insanity. A couple years ago while i was working i became increasingly unhappy and began to develop chronic sleep deprivation while I was working and a had a complete psychotic breakdown, almost schizophrenic like episode and nobody was there to help me. My coworkers took advantage of the situation and only helped to make my breakdown of reality more robust and extended. After the breakdown happened and i returned to reality and coworkers only ramped up the abuse and neglected, no compassion, not even an acknowledgement, nobody even talked to me about what happened to this day. I had a complete psychotic breakdown and not my friends, parents, or coworkers even acknowledged or talked to me about what happened. Completely neglected. 
+
+I've been neglected and abused my entire life. If i mentioned a problem i was having while growing up, i was ignored. Nobody in my family was ever positive to me, i was never given any positive emotional stimulation. I felt like my parents ignored my state of well being my entire childhood and teenage years.
+
+I've been thinking about suicide and murder a lot these days. I spend everyday in rage.   ",Suicidal
+"Ppl are stupidPpl always say like "" wow those were such obvious suicide signs why can't ppl catch on "" to series and shit but my grades (which were usually good ) are slipping, I've written texts and messages and poems that were obvious help mes, I've over time basically lost all my old real friends in school and stayed more and more at home alone and ppl just don't seem do give a shit",Suicidal
+"I tried to hang myself when I was 10I'm 18 now, but I've dealt with depression for a long time. 
+I'm wanting death all the time. I just recently learned how to drive, and every time I drive on a sharp curve, I'm tempted to drive straight as fast as I can. 
+
+I've never been happy with myself, and I remember when I was 10, I took a belt, and double knotted it and hung it between my closet doorframe and the hinges. I remember putting my head through the loop and pushing the stack of books I used to get up that high away from me. I didn't fall fast, it was more of a slow suffocation, and I passed out, only to wake up an hour later on the floor, and a broken closet door hanging above me. 
+
+I take medicine for depression, but lately, I still feel depressed. I don't want to talk about it to mom because I'm humiliated. Is there an anon therapist on the internet anywhere who'd let me rant whenever I feel upset? 
+
+Any help is appreciated ",Suicidal
+I want to end so badEvery evening now I'm consumed by dark thoughts for hours and hours.  They won't go away.  I have so much happening in my life but I'm convinced I don't matter because the world is shit.  Everything I hear makes me convinced resistance is futile and life is hell for everyone from now on.  Nothing in my life matters and I feel unsafe talking to anyone ever since a therapist called the cops and got me involuntarily sent to a psyche ward.  I just have to die.,Suicidal
+I keep sabotaging a relationship cause I'm not really worth her.So I entered into an online relationship for the past two months. We talk everyday. She makes me feel complete. Yet I keep sabotaging the relationship at every turn. She keeps forgiving me and rejecting my attempts to push her away. I'm literally in love and now I don't want her to end up with me cause I'm not someone she should love. Don't wanna ghost her but I'm honestly thinking of suicide right now after the last time I screwed everything up.,Suicidal
+"People that suffer from BPDWhy does it seem like no one ever discusses what it's like to actually have BPD? It's always someone who's been friends or partners with someone that had the disorder ranting about how they're victims and BPD sufferers are monsters, yet, no one ever discusses the fact that the hell that those with BPD suffer is far far greater. Those that deal with people like me will suffer for as long as they know me and never again, and they can leave me whenever they want (my life is ultimately inconsequential). Me, I will suffer forever. Always feeling everything so fucking intensely, always afraid of being alone, always considering ending my life, they're suffering is momentary while mine is infinite. They will never begin to comprehend my pain. So, how dare they pretend that they have it worse than me, that I'm the monster? I don't want them, so why can't they just get the fuck away!?",Suicidal
+"if i had a shotgun id hav edone it alreadytoo scared to jump
+
+not afraid of heights
+
+scared that i might survive and end up in a wheelchair",Suicidal
+"Pictures at the mallI’ve realized that I want to take some portraits at the mall for the purpose of an obituary. A nice headshot that looks like me, so my loved ones won’t have to search for one. I’m 32 and I’ve had more and more progressively vivid and harmful thoughts. They won’t abate, and I just want to prepare.",Suicidal
+"Type 1 Diabetic and wanting to die.So yeah in the title it kinda says what I am. I've been trying to off myself ever since I was a little tyke back in middle school but to no avail. I've kinda just sat back never really talking to anyone but using videogames as sort of a vent to make myself feel like something. Being good at a game or becoming immersed is what helped me get through a lot of things. I've just felt that sitting around building up medical costs has been dragging me down super hard. I've never had a job or anything to make money because I always get super nervous when I walk into interviews and I beat myself up for it all the time. I should already be out of my mom's house out on my own, but I don't have a car nor can I drive. So I can't really drive to a job or go to college and I'm pretty sure I'd become a nervous wreck anyways. I've also never really taken care of myself for my diabetes, which has made me become incredibly aware that my body will probably start to break down on me very early before any of the few friends I have start to go. I don't know, just being a ""useless loser"" as I put it makes me not want to be around as I feel like I waste the money, time, space, and food of everyone around me. It also doesn't help that I never talked to anyone who I'd want to be in a relationship with. I'm gay and would really just like someone to stop and care for me, but I know that sooner or later they would be fed up with how useless I am. Anyways I've been contemplating whether or not I should off myself out where I am now; at some farm in the middle of nowhere. My mom decided she wanted to move in with here boyfriend in the middle of nowhere and since I had no one who wanted to take me in I had to go. Now I sit here typing this alone. I'm pretty sure they both realize how useless I am and I'm not sure what they'll do about me. It really just helps me to type this and ask for people to shoot the breeze with since the internet is so bad out here I can't talk to my friends or play any games to help me relax and vent. It just seems like my whole life will be like this and there's no escape. I mean I've though of just up and leaving one day and walking and just going until I decide to stop but I just don't know. Doesn't really help me either knowing that 3 months ago I tried to OD on insulin and woke up in the hospital and now I've got like $2000 in medical bills straight out of highschool with no way to pay them. I'm sorry if this is too long but I'm just confused and not sure what to do and it really helps to vent this because the only people who've known my motivations were my couple closest friends.",Suicidal
+"I just want it all to endWhere do I even begin.
+
+I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 3 years and we've been married for the past 2. My husband is living in India and we're waiting for his visa to come through. We applied in 2018 right after the wedding and we're still waiting for a decision. We've tried everything we can to get a quicker response and now they're straight up ignoring our emails.
+
+Our relationship was perfect at the start. We understood and supported each other. I had a horrible childhood and was very depressed when I met my husband, and meeting him was the best thing that happened to me. I started flourishing at work and even became a bit more outgoing. But the longer the visa took, the worse our relationship is getting. I am snapping at the smallest of things, we're fighting almost every single day. I turned to food and Amazon for comfort and ended up gaining 20kg and my room now belongs in hoarders and my bank account is empty. In the past year, possibly the most important man in my life, my grandfather, passed away. This was the tipping point for me. Since then, I've completely shut down from my social life, I stopped caring about work, and I've lost all motivation to get up in the morning. I was traveling to India every few months over the past year and I got pregnant but had a miscarriage. I tried counseling for a while but it wasn't really helping. We had finally decided we're done waiting for the visa, and I'd quit my job and was going to travel to India in April. But then Covid happened, and I have no idea when I will be able to travel again. 
+
+In the past few weeks, I've realised how much I've ruined my husband's life. I've been very stressed and depressed in the past year and taking it out on him. He was an extroverted, happy go lucky type of personality. I'm making him cry almost daily now. Ive ruined our relationship to the point my husband is afraid to even tell me a joke because I might take it the wrong way. And what do I do? I accuse him of being too controlling when he's just trying to help me. He's been trying to find a solution for my Amazon addiction and I'm just accusing him of taking over my finances. He's trying to help me get into a healthy routine and asking me questions to get me to communicate but I accuse him of not trusting me to do things etc. We just had an argument where he was trying to say he's just using the freedom we have over each other to help me and I just told him that since we're not living together, he has no right over me. He basically just told me he's given up. 
+
+I hate what I've done to our relationship and to him. I hate myself for being this way. I don't want to live knowing how much I've hurt one of the few people who actually cared about me. I've come very close to slitting my wrist a few times in the past few weeks because of the constant fights (which progressively gets worse each time). Something always just stops me last minute, I guess just thinking of the pain or worried about my brother finding me(I'm living with my parents) and how it will impact him, or just worried that I'll survive and have to face everyone after. Today I had the blade to my wrist but then I just imagined all the blood and how it will be hard to cleanup for my dad and found myself looking up less messier and faster ways and found my way to this sub.",Suicidal
+I dont know what to name thisI just want to self-harm and suicide rn. My friends are there but i just want to die,Suicidal
+"Need some help on thisSo I've been looking at my best options with the main points being : accessible to me (no guns for example), high success rate and painless.
+Here are the options I consider : 
+
+A: 2.000 mg of Ambien 
++ Absolutely painless 
++ 100% success chances
+- very expensive ~600 Swiss francs (literally all the money I have left)
+- have to import it so might have extra costs and might be stopped at the Swiss border 
+
+B : suicide bag with helium
++ Unconscious so painless
++ Very accessible just need to get some helium
+- seems a bit sketchy, not much data about this method, so high chances of failure
+
+C : jump from a high building
++ Easy to do an free
+- not sure if I have access to a high enough building, and if I fuck this one up I'm very fucked
+
+So what do you think, wich one should I choose ? Is there a good one I missed ? Is one of them a particularly bad option ? Suggestions ? Thanks for the help ! (Btw I don't wanna kill myself right now I just wanna have a plan in case it gets very bad) please comment",Suicidal
+"I will be free this weekend.I don't know why I'm even bothering to post on here, but I don't have anyone else to open up to so here I am, I guess. I've been depressed for 7 years now, and this past year has been the worst. 
+
+I've never really liked who I was as a person, I'm fat, ugly, untalented, socially awkward, incapable of getting a girlfriend...the list just goes on. I tend to stick to hobbies/things that I feel like I'm good at, but I tend to shift away from them after not too long cuz I just realize that I'm completely shit at everything. I just can't do anything right. The only thing I'm good at is school at this point, and I'm losing passion for the very major that made me go to school. I'm in a great school (top 10 in the world for my field of engineering) and have a good gpa, but I feel like I've given up everything to get there. And I'm realizing that I'm really not that smart...i'm just good at school. And not only that, but being the socially awkward fuck that I am, I can't really get back into being social. I'm a horrible mess, and I hate being me.
+
+This past year has been rough because I lost my best friend. Long story short, I ruined the friendship, and she's moved on. I still open her snapchat stories, crying and reminiscing about how things once where. She was the only one I've ever opened up to. We were best friends for 6 years...and she's gone. I don't know how to live like this.
+
+Sorry if this is getting long...I'm just miserable. I'm going to blow my brains out with a shotgun this weekend, same way my father died years ago. I'm empty and dead inside and I miss my bestfriend. I'm sorry, Sara. I know I promised you that I would never do this, but I can't. Please forgive me..",Suicidal
+"I've been considering it for the last few weeks, and I've tried about a dozen times. I think I want to do something more intense and let the story end.I'm 24 years old. I turned it back on Nov 25. I've been suffering from depression since I was born, and it has slowly drained my energy. I was diagnosed with Aspergers and knew it for year beforehhand, but I don't think I ever learned how to deal with people properly. I'm a self-harming masochist that gets driven wild from bleeding myself. I have no friends as I alienate them with my needs for help and I've gradually learned that no one -really- wants to help a dysfunctional mess like me. Back in 2017, my partner of 11 years (is it weird that I've had a full lover for half my short life?) agreed to marry me after years of pestering since I was shitty teen, but I honestly don't feel anything anymore. Just that leaving this life behind would hurt him so so much, but might be ultimately best. I've been a drinker for as long as I can remember, since 2nd grade when I learned most of my classmates didn't understand that I was ""sad"" all the time.
+
+I've been rethinking of ending it all. I get tired of life's ups and downs. While a millennial, I feel like I wasn't properly prepared for constant disappointment. That no one told me about depression, anxiety, anger, alcohol abuse, and the pain of this. No one told me how to deal with mental health issues my whole life and that I'm not able to be regular. That I need medication to finally not feel like a waste. That being in this group has gsneralised me to being ""the reason America has gotten weak,"" despite being from a small farm about 10 miles from Edenbridge.
+
+I've downed 10(?) full shots of 95% Everclear and I just don't know what's the point anymore. My parents are sleep, and I could just drink until I end. I could take a bath with my toaster, borrow and eat someone's gun, cut some inches deeper, anything. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want keep wasting everyone's time because I'm trying to figure myself out on someone else's dime. I'm sorry to say this, but even once I sober up, I just want to die.",Suicidal
+"I'm out of reasons to liveI just don't know why I keep going, life sucks",Suicidal
+I have. A weird reason for wanting to die that I’m embarrassed about telling anyone...So it’s super weird but the reason why I want to die so badly is because I hate this world. Now I know that you think that’s normal but not when I hate this world because it’s not an anime :( I know it’s super weird but I really want to die so I can maybe go to an after life and live in the seven deadly sins or sword art online. I hate this world so much and want to die already and I’m 15. Idk what to do.,Suicidal
+Fuck itI'll let God tell me what's wrong with me,Suicidal
+"Need advice for helpI feel on the edge of suicide right now and I never thought I would get quite so close but I feel a bit unsafe.
+
+I have multiple shit going on in my life right now and lack motivation to even get any help after everyone just kicks me down and doesn't care (I previously did get some help after I was diagnosed with Bipolar but then it stopped)
+
+I need some advice on how I can calm myself down and how I can motivate myself to even get help again or I'm fucked.",Suicidal
+"I’m pathetic and I hate myselfI don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I’m like this. When I was younger I was really outgoing and friendly, but now I’m socially fucking inept. I don’t talk to anyone or go out. I have declined every invitation for over a decade, so no one bothers to invite me to things anymore. I don’t answer my phone. I don’t respond to texts. My only close friend since high school (I’m 24) was online and he has moved on to real life friends so I’m just completely alone now. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t like being drunk or high because I feel paranoid and out of control and like I’m going to do something embarrassing. I don’t even know what people my age do together anymore besides go out drinking. Anything I can think of to go out and do for fun requires at least one friend to be with me and I don’t even have that. I just moved far from home because I thought it would force me to get out and meet people, but now I’m even lonelier than before because I don’t even have my family around. I just sit in my room watching Netflix and eating. I’m pretty sure I have binge eating disorder because all I want to do is eat all day long. I look at pictures of myself from a couple years ago and I was so cute and now I’m a big fat miserable lump. My life is pathetic and I’m too far behind to fix it. I don’t want to live like this anymore.",Suicidal
+"Never enough.Why am I never enough? It's like nothing is good enough. I used to think it was about my parent's, that I needed their approval. But it's me. Why? I know I'm doing great, but why don't I feel like it? I'm smarter than enough. I'm kinder than enough. But why do I feel like I have to look like others to be enough? Why do I feel like I have to have a skinny body or an hourglass figure? I never though insecurities about my appearance could take such a toll on my heart, but it does. These thoughts follows me constantly, to the point where looking at myself in the mirror fills me with anger. I'm hideous. I'm just not enough, and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I can't even describe it? I get angry, I feel trapped, I scratch and try to pull at my skin, put my hands around my ugly neck. Why?",Suicidal
+"Won't be able to see therapist anymore, worst time for this to happen, might as well just end it allI'm not starting over. I can't just see someone new. It took me an entire YEAR to trust her well enough. I can't fucking do that again. I just fucking can't. ",Suicidal
+"Does the pain ever end and will I ever find satisfaction and be happy. That’s really all I want. If not, I feel like just quitting.I have always felt inadequate. I grew up in a very strict religious home. My father was a baptist pastor and I “accepted Christ” at 5 or 6. Whether I fully understood it, I don’t know. But I do know that as I grew older I always felt like a “bad Christian” and a let down, especially as i explored sexuality. Basically my preteen and teenage years were a combination of a pure fear of death and a utter guilt of my sexuality. 
+
+As time grew on, I became addict to porn and masturbation. Which ad life developed and time took its toll; my mother died at the age of 21 and  I found solace in porn, bdsm, and fetish. Which did not align with my spiritual beliefs. 
+
+To compound on top of my mothers unexpected death, I dealt with I now realize as being serve depression as a teenager, beginning with my first break up at 16. I used to play with my fathers loaded revolver and lay in bed and imagine writing my note. 
+
+As I progressed into my twenties my porn “addiction” or dependency increase so did my guilt and shame. I eventually lost my virginity at 22, the ultimate black mark as a Christian, or so I perceived it. 
+
+Depression still sever. I fucked as many women as possible. I was in therapy and SA (an anonymous 12 step) several times with no relief. I found the most wonderful and beautiful woman I have ever met to this day, I still day dream about her. She Broke my heart after 4 months of dating and preparing for engagement  and left me for her ex-husband, she was only 24 at the time. 
+
+Time passed, I stayed depressed, thought I might have been gay/trans and my therapist diagnosed me as a sex addict as a 14 on a scale of 20. Lots of money spent on chats and p2p sites. 
+
+In 2018 I met a girl on a hook up, and I thought she was my savior. I professed love within 3 weeks. We were engaged yesterday.  But yet I was online chatting and sexting women today. And trans women a month ago. 
+
+I’m so depressed. I feel as if I’m an awful person. A despicable person, an atrocious Christian, and a shame of lover/fiancé. There’s been days leading up to the engagement, I’ve just wanted to leave her, but we moved a thousand miles away from where we lived to be close to her family, and I feel I’m in too deep now to do anything  but marry her. But there’s fucking shit that drives me insane about her.
+
+Here I am again. A day our engagement, thinking about and planning my own death, somehow that I avoided 2 years ago drunk at a dam with a bottle of whisky and a glock.
+
+TL;RD
+I feel there’s no way to find happiness and satisfaction except to go out before it gets worse. I feel I bought into a fake lie of what life should be like, and I’ll never truly by happy or content, especially with a partner",Suicidal
+"Life is TerribleEvery day is another chore of trying to keep your head above water. I am so fucking tired. This life is so joyless and brings me so much pain. It’s not that I have to stay here just so I won’t inconvenience my family. There isn’t much here for me, anyway. I just want to breakdown or cut myself most hours of the day. I have talked to a therapist. I really don’t want to keep spending the money but I just can’t decide to quit going. I am just so angry. I wasted this whole day. Every day I am in agony. I have so much school work and it just doesn’t stop. It’s just me on the laptop working or me just on my phone. I have so much regret in this life. At this point, I don’t matter and I wish there was way out of this pain.",Suicidal
+"Each day I grow a little less fearful of deathOne day I hope to find the courage to end my life. Even to this day, I hope there's some happy heaven in the other side.",Suicidal
+"How do I go about dealing with poor mental healthThis is going to be a long post so if you read all the way through, thank you. 
+
+The past two years I have been struggling with anxiety, depression and bouts of suicidal ideation. I was doing okay this past semester, but these last few days have been really rough on my mental health, and I planned out a suicide attempt which made me realize I desperately need help. The suicide hotlines are useless, and I was just denied online therapy. I am a low income student so I of course do not have insurance, and because I’m only taking 6 credits this semester, I don’t qualify for my schools mental health services. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t afford any sort of therapy (I’ve checked every nearby therapist and they’re all over $100, even with sliding fee scales), and I don’t qualify for insurance. I just feel lost. I don’t have any family or friends to fall back on, and this particular year has been awful on me. Do any of you have some advice? I’m trying to get into law enforcement after graduation (not policing), so I’m scared of being diagnosed with any sort of mental illness. But at the same time, I feel that therapy and possibly medication would really help. However I don’t even know where to start on that since I can’t even pay for the initial appointment. Any advice would be helpful. Sorry for the rant, and thank you for reading.",Suicidal
+"No point in tryingI don’t even want to go on trying. I’ve been too tired to function for 5 years now, I’ve had to give up my dream career because I can’t compete with healthy people. My doctor doesn’t think I’m unhealthy enough to qualify for ODSP, but the thought of trying to work the kind of job I could get with my skills makes me want to kill myself even more. My boyfriend thinks I get upset over everything, and was literally laughing at me earlier today when I complained that something he said felt objectifying. I can’t get compliments out of him without dragging them out practically by force, which feels both abusive on my part and in-genuine on his, unless it’s something about how fat I am (apparently he likes that). I’m been in my undergrad for 5 years now, and I have yet to get through a semester where I haven’t had to ask for an extension, not to mention I’m taking a part time course load so nothing I actually do achieve feels like it’s my own. It’s a shitty major anyway, that will never get me a job, even to the point where people laugh at me for having thought that getting an arts degree would actually be useful for anything anyway. My body is the wrong shape, too masculine, and nothing I can ever do will change that. I never succeed at anything I do with anything like the competence I need, even to the point where I honestly don’t believe anymore that I’m capable of succeeding in anything – everyone is always faster, smarter, prettier, more knowledgeable, funnier, more creative, more energetic, more stable… People almost never reach out to me, and seem uncomfortable when I try to reach out to them. I’m a useless waste of oxygen and I just haven’t got the strength to go on telling myself differently when the whole world (except maybe my counselor) seems intent on proving to me just how worthless I really am. Even if I wanted an extension on my assignments at this point, it’s so close to the end of the semester they couldn’t grant one to me. I don’t have the money, time, energy, or willpower to properly take care of myself, and even getting out of bed is… well I don’t want to, I don’t want to have to face another miserable fucking day on this planet. Christians tell me that I’m an aberration against god and that I’m going to hell because I defied his plan for me (by changing gender) – well, I’m already IN hell, it can’t possibly be any worse than this, and what kind of a god does that to people anyway? Society is so fucked up with people campaigning against rights and freedoms (see Stephen Harper, Vic Toews, the entire conservative caucus bursting into laughter at the idea that trans-people deserve equal rights, not to mention Romney getting almost half the American vote, the Golden Dawn party in Greece, unemployment in Spain, legalized murder for being different in Uganda…) I don’t want to be with a guy who dislikes me, but then I’m left with no-one at all.",Suicidal
+Suicide is the best decision I can make.Life just completely sucks for me. It has always sucked for me. I'm tired of hearing that things get better because they really don't. I hope I kill myself soon. I hope I can muster up the courage to kill myself. I wish I was never born in the first place. ,Suicidal
+"Alright... that's enoughI have tried to give life a chance but I can't it has only gotten worse in the last 6 years. I think I will cut my losses and die. I think I will I hang myself when I get the chance, haven't set the date but I have made up my mind that I will do it one day soon. ",Suicidal
+"My dick stopped working and my thoughts are clouded. I just feel numb.It's probably from this medicine I took this last two months, but I'm feeling super unproductive and numb. There is no better way to describe it, I'm numb. People around me have been trying to cheer me up, but I just want to lay down all day, even though I hardly am being able to sleep at all. I used to be super active and horny all the time, but now it's been maybe three days since my last erection, something I wouldn't even fathom before. I just would love to hear some reassuring words, I guess",Suicidal
+"I can't live like this anymore.I'm dying inside. Just nothing goes right anymore. I feel so bad for saying it, though. I have a boyfriend, who I love with all my heart and who loves me back. But I also have a depression and other stressful problems killing me slowly. I don't want to die, but I cant live like this anymore. Can someone please help me? I know this subreddit may not be for that, but I have no one right now and I'm really scared..",Suicidal
+all I can think about is SuicideI can’t feel anything today I’m just numb my mood swings are so out of control and all I can think about is Suicide and to make it worse I just got out of the hospital for serotonin toxicity I just don’t think I can do it anymore I’m only 14 but I just don’t know what to do I have even planned how when and where I would do it if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated,Suicidal
+"Attention whore wants to kill herselfI'm watching the breakfast club and I was distracted until I ""woke up"" and the feeling came back to me. I can't tell anyone. I can't do it, they made sure the house is safe since I came back from the institution. I want to go. 
+
+Im stuck here.",Suicidal
+just a last screami have everything prepared,Suicidal
+"So ugly I want to dieDon't bs me about its what's inside that counts, in this society looks are everything.
+You can't have happiness unless you are a pretty woman. 
+
+Every guy ive dated, I've approached or they date me out of pity. 
+First bf was abusive told me to get surgery, second boyfriend used me for sex and to get his ex back, third boyfriend thought i was too ugly to date so used me until he got feelings, fourth boyfriend used me and got with his friends sister a week after and my most recent ex was taking pictures of beautiful women and boning an ugly fuck like me
+No wonder he cheated.
+
+I've been called ugly all my fucking life my mum; my dad, my brothers, People in school, my ex, strangers and even online.
+I was called ugly up until the age of 20, my whole fucking life robbed of happiness.
+
+Am i supposed to have just glowed up into a beautiful woman like people tell me iam? Well I can't be
+
+Pretty women get snatched up, cared for, loved, They settle down, have children and get approached at clubs.
+
+
+Im yet to have a loving mutual relationship and a normal life.
+I'm spending thousands of pounds on cosmetic surgery.
+
+People tell me I'm beautiful, strangers, guys, my family, my friends and even professionals. 
+I've been asked to model, I get asked out a lot online but it all makes my head hurt
+I sob, I dont know who iam.
+
+I just want to settle down and have children n be loved 
+Surely I deserve that after the life I've had
+
+
+Sorry reddit I can't do it anymore, I've had one suicide attempt this week and my family i live with told me to do it. ",Suicidal
+"I just think everything is pointless. We are just some atoms on a rockI try my best to be happy because i have a family and a partner i care about. I can't help but feel as if we should all just die. The environment is being polluted, people are suffering and there is no real point of us being here. I'm struggling to find the meaning of life and the ""to just live a happy life"" isn't enough. We are here just working then go buy ourselves stuff to feel better, everyday seems like the same hell. Although i have these thoughts i'm not giving up yet, i want to see the world like other do.",Suicidal
+"I am so doneI don't have anyone to talk to right now and I literally want to get this off my chest. Amongst other issues my best friend has had two mini strokes in the course of 2 weeks and today was the second stroke. She told me that the world is fucked... I am normally the one to say something uplifting. I want to kill myself. I am so tired of being shit. This is not about burdening anybody with my problems I just hope that me typing this out will expel this desire. So many things I could write about as one of my many past reasons for wanting to take my own life. How selfish right? I don't even feel bad for myself I just feel I have no control at the moment. I even wanted control of my weight, just a small thing to keep me steady during one of my flips but I think I even fucked that up today. I pick shit people to befriend. I already understand that people have more important shit to do than think about me which is honestly fair enough. My brother has a therapist for his childhood experiences and I, the oldest adult sibling, have managed to dupe everyone into believing that I escaped my past unscathed but I had it so much worse. But no one thinks of me, because I am quite, calm, kind, ""you just handled it better"", ""you're strong"". I'm tired. Yes, I put that in the past but the present is also hard a ""rough patch"" mum calls it. Why is it that I switch from being okay and ""charming"" to ""very not okay"" or ""dark"" so easily? Today I feel a clutching pain in my core like a fist bound up within me. It is a familiar feeling that I get when I feel low. And today after a year of shedding over 70lbs I overate like a fool. I just wanted control over something at least.. its not a big deal to most people but I am ""tiny"" apparently but not ridiculously thin. But I'd rather thin than fat but id rather just lean tbh. I am worried a day will come where I am not strong enough to see a reason to live when I feel there isn't one.",Suicidal
+"I'm so desperate, I just need someone to accept my decision and be with me until the endI don't even want to die. I just genuinely can't keep living like this, it's too much pain. My whole existence is nothing but pain. I can't ever take a break from it.
+I know that I need to die. Logically I should have already died some months ago, but due to the fact that suicide is fucking hard, I'm still here.
+I am terrified of thinking about it. I didn't manage to pick my method yet, but I can't make it to 2020, I just can't.
+I'm so fucked, it scares me.
+I do nothing all day instead of trying to prepare myself for my end, but I'm unable to.
+
+I don't want to go through this alone.
+There's absolutely no life for me left already, although I'm just turning 19..
+It's for sure.
+I fucking tried my hardest already, there really is nothing left.
+I wish it all wouldn't have to be this way.
+
+I could really use someone to talk to..",Suicidal
+"I feel bad for being yet another one in need of help, in this sub, but yes, I'm contemplating suicide.Hello. I don't know how to begin... I've been extremely lonely for the past 9 months. Each day I feel worse and have no one to talk to about this. I had a (somewhat) reasonable life, which I tried to change for the better and failed. I ended up unemployed (the least of my troubles, hated being fucking exploited), with no significant other and with no friends. My closest company was my girlfriend. We were together for 6 years and lived together for about 4 of them. She was my girlfriend, my friend, my everything. I feel ashamed because this is almost a cliché by now (hey fucking girlfriends, man!), but yeah. I'm not saying that is the main reason for my mental state at the moment, but it is a very big part of it, in that, she was the one I talked about all my other problems. While life wasn't perfect by any means, I had her to talk to. Now I miss her trust more than anything, it's like I lost my closest family member. We went through so much together and we know each other better than anyone else, at the moment at least. She blocked every kind of communication medium with me. It's like she killed me inside her. I just don't know where to turn to now. I'm really confused, even as I write this. It's like this is the pinnacle of a number of issues that had been dragging for some years - there is so much I've been through that is contributing to my current state of mind that I honestly don't know what to talk about. I'm in a breaking point of loneliness, regret and guilt.
+
+Sorry for my awkward english. Hugs.",Suicidal
+"Please help, I don't know who to call.I'm here in London Ontario (CA), My phone number is  
+
+# 226-678-1414
+
+I need help, I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop.   
+
+
+PLease?",Suicidal
+"Going to make it as easy as possible for my familyI'm 34 and I honestly didn't think I would be still here. I day dream about a natural disaster, a military attack or an incurable disease taking me out. It would be so much easier, but since that isn't going to happen I'll just have to start planning my exit. One of my concerns was leaving an even more stressful situation behind for my family, so I am going to continue downsizing all of my belongings, pay down car debt, clean my vehicle with a detailed instructions on how much to sell it for to pay for my cremation and then I would like to write a few final letters. I think it's important to help with closure to at least write to the important people in your life or just a few words explaining why it had to end. 
+
+I was born in negativity, raised by a chronically depressed Mom, felt unwanted by my Dad, always attracted to horrible women that bleed me emotionally dry and I'm done trying to find a decent woman to share my life with. A woman isn't going to make me happy, it's always fleeting and the love is one sided. I'm tired of working my ass off just to make pennies and barely afford to survive. 
+
+My goal in life was to buy some land, build a home, grow my own food, get married, have kids, but I don't think I am meant to have that kind of emotional security or support. I do enjoy traveling, so I might plan a trip and just lay down on the ground, look up at the night sky and do the sleeping pill route. Nature can just reclaim my body.",Suicidal
+"I'm uniquely fucked up and I'm genuinely backed into a corner.Almost 17, I'm that damn young and I've been like this for ten years, they feel so long and so short at the same time
+I've been suicidally depressed since I was 7, I've talked myself down multiple times, my memory isn't great but as far as I can remember, I first started to have psychotic symptoms at the age of 15, I'd been having huge mood swings from depressive to pretty happy I think, I'd want to do certain things and be fairly productive, recently these mood swings are from complete despair to slight depression yet somewhat productive and outgoing.
+Anyway, at the age of 15 my depression got even worse, I went out on night time walks and almost killed myself multiple times, I started to have delusions and I started to see and hear things, I had extreme paranoia, so much so that one time I duct-taped some soda cans to string and then taped those to the ceiling above my door so that while I was elsewhere in the house I'd know if someone broke into my room to hack my computer.
+I started developing all kinds of delusions, ranging from the idea that I'd been poisoned with some kind of virus or disease to there being holes in the sky, I'd lost it.
+I started to self-harm, one time I went outside and decided to bring my knife with me (which was illegal to have outside) I went to an abandoned park and sat down on a bench in the middle of the forest, shrouded in darkness, I cut for a while and then stood up eventually.
+That's when I heard it, branches rustling, cracking, they started going crazy, as if something was sprinting through them, and then I saw IT, I didn't quite realize what it was then as I ran way before getting a good look at it but I'd soon see it again and again, it's a figure that's darker than the darkness around it, like a hole in space, it's the same height and build as me, it wears that same hoodie and cargo pants, it's dressed exactly like me, it IS me, it's some kind of dark version of myself, that's how fucking insane I am, I hallucinate a dark double of myself! Sounds like something from a movie or game right? I mean, I've looked this shit up, nobody has experienced anything like this and reported it.
+One time the walls closed in on me, another I heard the sounds of some hellish dog right behind me, I had all kinds of insane hallucinations, I heard voices, faint but definitely there. I'd hear singing downstairs, I'd descend the stairs and it'd stop, nobody in the house would've heard it.
+
+I came close to ending my life so many times, especially during that break when I was 15.
+
+I tried to seek help but long story short I can't anymore, just please believe me on this, I can't get help, alright? Atleast just pretend I'm right or don't post, I can't get help for a multitude of reasons.
+My paranoia had gotten really bad, I thought the government was after me I think, I dunno, it's kinda foggy.
+I slowly got better, I still wanted to die and I still felt depressed but I found myself my purpose, my reason for being here, I followed it and then I failed, I just stayed in my room even more, stopped going out on walks even, I've been descending into the rabbit hole again, while I've been fighting off delusions with not too much trouble (Although I think I may have had one a month ago, only took me a couple weeks to snap out of it though, it being the first one in a good while to take a hold of me slightly and it was based on something slightly logical) 
+I had a nightmare a few months ago and IT was there, I was scared as it'd never invaded my nightmares before, I started hallucinating again and my depression got even worse, I've started self harming again and my hallucinations are coming back, I spent Christmas eve outside in the dark and the cold wandering the streets alone, debating suicide.
+I'm alone, always have been really, I've been drinking to cope with things, I keep hoping it'll leave me foolish enough to kill myself, I've been cutting again and it's worse than ever.
+
+I honestly feel like a fraud, like I'm lying or exaggerating all of this for attention when I know I'm not, I don't want attention, I don't even know why I'm posting this.
+Most of the people on here don't want to die, if their life got better that'd fix things, they want things to get better but they just don't see another way out other than suicide.
+I want to die, I don't want things to improve, I want to die, I think I've grown attatched to my depression for some insane reason, the emotional pain is genuinely like torture, I can hardly distract myself anymore, each day is just hell, I want to fucking die, I genuinely have no reason to keep going but I keep having this part of me that keeps trying to crawl forward, to keep fighting, I don't know why I still fight.
+I don't think I can fight the psychotic symptoms anymore, and especially not the depression, I can't take it anymore, I really feel like I've had my fill.
+When I was 15 and had that first psychotic break I used to wander the streets and just stare down groups of thugs (I live in a shitty area) I wanted them to kill me, I was hoping glaring at their leader would make them try to stab me or something yet they fucking don't, they always looked away and ignored me, they seemed scared, I'm only 6'2! Seriously, I was like 6'0-6'1 when I was 15, why the hell would they be afraid of me!? 
+I can't stand seeing IT and I know that I will see IT again and I fucking can't deal with that, I can't deal with the hallucinations and I worry the delusions will grab me again, that delusion I may have had a month-ish ago I don't think was one, but I may be lying to myself, I mean, I thought someone was stalking me, I thought someone was after me, all because I saw the same red car a few times, all because he/she stuck their hand out of the window and did some kind of wave at me, it was near christmas, they were probably just saying hello or something.
+I'm losing my mind, I can't take this shit anymore, I'm homeschooled but I've been not doing anything for a long time, I can't fucking take this shit anymore.
+
+I'm gonna drink a few more shots of vodka, self-harm some more and maybe take some pills (not a lethal amount, just enough to fuck me up without hospitalizing me) I don't know why I wanna do damage to myself.
+
+I thought I'd gotten past all this, I knew I was still depressed but I genuinely thought I was past this.
+
+I've been drinking, I don't know how much I've left out, I know I've atleast not said half of the shit that's wrong with me (Oh yeah, I'm serious) 
+
+I don't think I'm bipolar or schizophrenic, I'm nowhere near that bad right? I mean, I'd have constant hallucinations, not just a few a week or something. I mean, I guess I could have bipolar or schizoaffective or something but as I said, I don't think I'm hallucinating enough for that and my ""up"" phases aren't exactly manic, but what do I know? 
+
+I genuinely can't get help, believe me on that, even if you don't, pretend you do. I'm debating killing myself in a couple weeks or a few days or whatever, I dunno, I really don't, I have nothing and nobody to live for and I've been doing this dance ten fucking years, I'm sick of talking myself out of it, what kind of seven year old is suicidal!? Anyway, I can't fucking take it anymore. 
+
+
+TLDR: 16 years old, almost 17, been suicidally depressed for 10 years with mood swings, has hallucinations and sometimes delusions, I see a dark version of myself that stalks me around and I've been drinking and self-harming, I've been self harming a while though. 
+
+PS. I'm legally allowed to drink at this age where I live, alright? I don't want people yelling at me about that, I also may have typed complete gibberish and may have multiple grammar mistakes due to me drinking heavily.",Suicidal
+"Mantra is back, and so strong this time around.I've been repeating my suicide mantra again lately. I want to die, I need to die, I deserve to die, please kill me. It's irresistible. Thing is, I have no plans. I just want it all to happen and I can go away.",Suicidal
+"Someone jumped off my building todayI wonder who they were, what they were like",Suicidal
+helpp??? took 2800mg ibuprofen & 1800mg aspirin>took everyhting at once. am i in danger?,Suicidal
+I flunked all my exams am gonna suicideAm going back home I will do it in the garage  night,Suicidal
+"I've Got A Serious ProblemI am considering taking my life, I don't know what to do and it scares me. I have a huge gambling problem and I just blew all the money I had left, I am thousands of dollars in debt, my work is seasonal and it's about to end so I will be out of a job. I have so many calls from debt collectors, I have no reason to be here anymore, I failed",Suicidal
+"Built the noose, taking a nap to see if it is still a good idea.Tested it a bit. Did not feel that bad. Just pinched the skin a bit. ",Suicidal