Category Archives: Thinky

The Habit of Kindness

IMAGE: Tiny Bouquet, a miniature bouquet of wildflowers a dear friend gave me in Italy. (Prints available)

One of the initial challenges for starting a practice of meditation and mindfulness is, paradoxically, it seems too easy. At first pass, sitting still and not thinking about anything while focusing on breathing sounds like something anyone can do: simply exist quietly for a while. I quickly learned that it is actually the opposite of zoning out or contemplation. Being able to sit with both a full and clear mind is the culmination of everything else done in life to get to that place, and it is a lifelong challenge that changes you as a person.

In his revelatory “An Essay on Landscape Painting,” the 11th century Northern Song Dynasty painter and scholar Kuo Hsi described his father readying himself to paint:

On a day when he was to paint, he would seat himself by a bright window, put his desk in order, burn incense to his right and left, and place good brushes and excellent ink beside him; then he would wash his hands and raise his ink-well, as if to receive an important guest, thereby calming his spirit and composing his thoughts. Not until then did he begin to paint. Does this not illustrate what he meant by not daring to face one’s work thoughtlessly?

Approaching life with balance and mindfulness is the essential preparatory work to sit with a clear conscience, to find joy and peace in meaningful meditation rather than feeling trapped with anxiety, daily frustrations or confusions, regrets, or the mental and spiritual equivalents of a cluttered desk or dirty hands. Instead of receiving an important guest, we are meeting ourselves, in a wordless conversation about existence between the world and our spirits. To be in a moment, to fully inhabit it, we have to be a full self. That starts with being honest, being aware, and being kind.

New Forest – Lichen and moss provide the foundation for new plant growth on a fallen tree, continuing the cycle of renewal and regrowth in a forest. (Prints available)

Cultivating an instinct of kindness every day makes a habit of compassion. It is too easy to ignore or compromise the internal voice that suggests, “This is wrong,” or, “I should help,” instead telling ourselves we can’t be late, we need the money, other people treated me the same way, or the most discouraging, “I can’t do anything to change that.” I have always believed it takes extraordinary courage and intelligence to be truly kind as an adult, but it’s an instinct every person has once the conscience develops. It is crucial to keep society from suppressing it and to cling to hope and the belief that our conscience is telling the truth, to know that old Jiminy Cricket feeling of uneasiness should be heeded.

Perhaps the most powerful tool in kindness is empathy, or feeling with another’s heart. It is not enough to ponder how we might feel if something we see happening to someone else were to happen to us – we need to understand how that person feels in the actual situation we see. It starts with observation without judgment, objectively listening and gathering information before we start trying to solve other people’s problems or tell them why their feelings are wrong. It seems common to tackle large issues like racism or poverty with a sketchy and vague sense of the issues, but I don’t often see people stop to ask, “How does that feel?” I think we can be too quick to dismiss the validity of political, spiritual, or personal beliefs because they don’t make sense with how we approach the world. We brush them off instead of trying to wrap our heads around them, which is ultimately an unkind thing to do. Expanding our sense of willingness to inhabit another person’s experience is an act of profound kindness, and if we make it a habit, we gain different lenses with which to understand our own experiences.

Seaside Goldenrod – (Solidago sempervirens) is uniquely saltwater tolerant, a cheerful display of bright yellow flowers at the Edwin B. Forsythe National Wildlife Refuge in southern New Jersey. (Prints available)

A second key to kindness is integrity. We should not offer kindness because it makes us look good to other people or gains an advantage of indebtedness. Like anything worth doing, being kind is its own reward. It is important to be consistently kind if it is to become a habit, and to be kind to everyone, not just those people we think are currently most “deserving.” I regularly examine my thoughts for often-unconscious stabs of unkindness: wishing for someone to fail, enjoying hearing about the misfortune of someone I don’t like, feeling relief that I am in a better situation than another person, or dismissing people I don’t understand with disdain or pettiness. It can be hard to break the habit of cruelty that we learn from a young age because it is rooted in competitiveness and the American notion of “winning” or success. Redefining success away from money, material possessions, titles, accolades, appearance, or esteem goes against everything we’re socialized into believing, but it opens the door to far greater rewards.

My goal in life is to be kind to every person I meet, to make life easier or more pleasant for others when I can, to open people’s eyes to thoughts or moments of beauty they may not have seen, and to leave everyone a little more loved than I found them. I know that the only way I can do that is with an uncompromised habit of kindness and compassion, but I’m only human. It is a lifelong project.

Weathered Hydrangea, slightly faded by summer rains, perhaps all the lovelier for it. (Prints available)

That brings me to the third critical tool of kindness: forgiveness. We cannot grow or help others if we cannot forgive. I include forgiving oneself, having a sense of compassion as deep for one’s own missteps as those of others when forgiveness is earned. When I want to comfort people, I usually say some variation of, “It’s okay,” or, “Hey, that happens to us all.” I don’t typically hold grudges when a friend says something unkind in a bad mood, so I am trying to forgive myself the same way, rather than cringing every time I relive a moment when I blurted out something rude instead of a compliment or when I wished someone ill because my feelings were hurt.

People sometimes do unkind things, but most aren’t fundamentally unkind. Often they are not paying attention, they are preoccupied with worry, they are afraid, or they are proud. I am learning that understanding what people are going through makes it much easier to forgive these shortcomings, and instead see them as opportunities to help. My own lapses and times of unhappiness are helping me grow, but only if I let myself. That starts by forgiving mistakes and acknowledging that everyone always needs to grow. None of us were born perfect, and none of us stays kind without effort.

Spray of Pink, flowers in front of a peach-colored wall in the Cinque Terre, Italy. (Prints available)

As I continue on this path of mindfulness and nurturing compassion, I am keeping notes on experiences and moments that bring me clarity or deeper understanding. It is kind to be generous with what we learn. The most important tool in kindness that I’ve found so far is awareness: of the self, of the world, and of others. We cannot grow or change, nor help others, if we don’t start by making ourselves aware of where there is hurt or suffering, or where we have a chance to do better. It can be truly painful to be aware, especially in recognizing how we impact others, but it’s imperative.

Once our eyes are open, we see these challenges everywhere. It can be overwhelming, but it’s okay. It happens to us all, and we have each other to help.

Fail Better

IMAGE: In the Face of Loss. Spent hydrangeas poking through drifts of snow after a blizzard, a metaphor for unexpected beauty in the face of loss. (Prints available)

At any given time, I can give a lengthy list of things I’ve failed at. Relationships, jobs, ill-conceived Halloween costumes, diets, securing funding for the last 3 semesters of my chemistry degree… you name it. Depending on my mood, I can also list many reasons why I’ve failed, but until recently I haven’t recognized what an asset fully-appreciated failing can be.

It’s generally understood that failure is crucial to learning and growth, and I can’t imagine how dull life might be to constantly succeed or win all the time (DJ Khaled’s anthemic proclamation notwithstanding). The way we rise to challenges and hardships makes us who we are.

Last spring my parents and I went on a walking tour through a restricted section of Sandy Hook’s Gateway National Recreational Area, where we visited one of the oldest holly forests in the US. One of my favorite details in looking at these massive, sprawling trees was seeing the ways they’ve failed and overcome obstacles. Studying the knots and eyes from lost branches, the patterns of growth where the tree compensated its balance with new branches, scars in the bark, and how they’ve twisted and turned to reach better light, you can see a tree’s full gnarled history and learn so much about where and how it’s growing.

The same is true for people, in examining their attitudes, beliefs, and how they approach new challenges in life. We wear our history in our faces, posture, language, and even voice, and however much we may think we can hide it, we are constantly communicating past pain, loss, joy, victory, sorrow, hope, failure, and how we grew through it – or didn’t. Humans can have a strange tendency not often seen in nature to regress in the face of failure, overriding biological instincts to thrive in favor of social ones, like the fear of appearing foolish if we try something new and fail or if we open our heart and get rejected. Self-consciousness is a peculiar quality, as is the protection of emotions or reputation over our instincts, but it is also at the base of some forms of compassion; that is a double-edged sword of civilization and the conscious mind. Some people have a withdrawal instinct like a spiritual withering, a leaf curling up and browning despite ideal conditions of water, nutrients, and light, while other seemingly indomitable people better resemble wildflowers growing relentlessly out of sheer rock beside of a waterfall out of virtually nothing.

Tenacity – a tiny yellow wildflower growing in the mists of Goðafoss, a spectacular waterfall in the Bárðardalur region of Iceland. (Prints available)

(I have a lot of photos of the life of plants because I think about this stuff all the time.)

Sometimes we fail because we’re not ready to succeed or we know deep-down we don’t want to succeed in that particular way. Anyone who has sabotaged a job that came easily but felt hollow, or a relationship with a person who was great on paper but didn’t make their heart sing, knows the peculiar feeling when success feels like a let-down. Sometimes we get what we think we wanted, and it feels so empty and unsatisfying that we realize we enjoyed it more when we were just imagining and wishing for it. When I really think about the things I’ve failed at, I can’t name a single one where I would have been happier to have succeeded; that path wouldn’t have brought me to where I am now. Even the disappointments that sting the most take on a “wasn’t meant to be” feeling in retrospect, and however I may regret them in the moment, I wouldn’t change much of anything now.

Other times we fail because of dumb luck or lousy timing. We meet someone amazing, but it’s at the worst possible time career-wise, so we can’t get a relationship going. We come down with bronchitis when we needed to be at 100% and let our bosses down, or tank a critical exam because we were feverish and wheezing with pneumonia (I am an absolute expert at poorly-timed illness). We total the car we need to get to work, a hurricane sweeps our home away, we join a company just before they begin downsizing, we pass up an amazing opportunity because we’re short on cash, we decline an invitation to a networking event that could have been life-changing because we just need to catch up on sleep. There is a prevailing motivational myth that if something matters enough, we can just find a way, but that doesn’t usually work in reality. “Excuses” are sometimes just what happened.

I have had uncanny bad luck at reconnecting with an artist I admire because I’ve had exams, been required to stay late at work, or been grotesquely sick at every opportunity. Thus far, I haven’t been financially independent enough to declare, “I don’t care if you fire me, I’m going to this gallery opening!” just as parents can’t actually abandon the child who needs care when they get sick at the worst possible time. To characterize unavoidable set-backs as “not wanting it enough” is a disservice to everyone, and it prevents us from nurturing and helping one another when we can.

Seedlings stretching for the pale afternoon light on a windowsill in Brooklyn (Prints available)

As a society, we tend not to acknowledge the role luck and timing (and yes, privilege) play in success either. Just as the “find a way” myth overvalues tenacity or perseverance, there is an ego-driven myth that people succeed because of raw talent, perfectly-developed innovation, or some strength of character that makes them somehow destined for victory. For every one of the limitless tiny things that fell into place just so for one person to succeed, any one of those things could have knocked someone else off track, no matter how brilliant their ideas, good their heart, sound their business plan, or determined their character.

It is not necessarily as cut and dry as, “If you wanted to succeed, you should have had the sense to inherit a profitable business from your billionaire father,” but it can be as simple as missing the subway car with your would-be soulmate on it because you didn’t want to rush by the lady with a cane walking slowly down the stairs in front of you. Getting turned down for your start-up loan because the bank rep you happened to meet with is racist or sexist. Missing the cut for grad school admissions because the person reading your application assumed anyone using the word “juxtapose” was a pretentious pseudointellectual. Being upset about a mass shooting and your date thinking you just weren’t clicking. Life happens, and it’s fundamentally unfair, and a lot of really good and deserving people fail all the time. Because we treat failure with shame instead of openness, we may never even know what they were trying or why they failed, burying cures for cancer, new inventions, inspiring art and music, the next great American novel, or the solution for the global economic crisis and a plan for world peace along with their aspirations.

Monsoon Clouds, darkening the sky before the first major rainfall in Orchha, India. (Prints available)

When I fail, my first response is to look for all the reasons why it was my fault, including ridiculous things like why I shouldn’t have trusted my team members to do their jobs competently. In addition to being terrible for my self-esteem, it extends way beyond things I can control, and beating myself up about failure is often completely useless. As a holdover from an education where I considered a B as much a failure as an F, I tend to way over-do assignments, and even when clients or bosses are thrilled, I focus on the imperfections and my regrets about the way the project was run.

I’m working on being a lot chiller, though my skin still crawls at people who say, “Done is better than perfect” or some other variation of “Good enough” when they know they can do better. But because I am always micro-analyzing my failures – real or imagined – I’ve become agile at thinking on my feet, improvising for creative problem-solving, improving efficiency and procedures, and constantly assessing situations to see how things might be done more efficiently, more economically, or more beautifully. A lot of the growth in my artistic process has come from failing miserably at what I was trying to do, then innovating in the way I steer out of the disaster I’ve made. And I’ve learned a lot about how to treat people from the ways I’ve failed in friendships and romance.

The more I fail, the better I am getting at it. I frequently use the metaphor of sailing (which I fail at somewhat regularly). When you first learn to sail, it is with the assumption that the conditions will be steady and ideal, but in reality sailing is a never-ending series of irregular gusts of wind and sudden current changes that make it impossible to simply set a course and stick with it. Good sailors meet each new obstacle with flexibility and learn from them, maybe capsizing the boat a dozen or so times before they learn to recognize a pratfall and head it off. When sailing, you have to pay constant attention and regularly make adjustments, yet even if you do everything as planned, a power boat might buzz by and throw a wake that forces you to tack rapidly, a gust might blow across the stern and cause you to unexpectedly jibe, or you just plain miscalculate how much water you have left and run aground.

Life is, in so many ways, what happens between when you set your course and what you actually encounter on the water, and no two sailors have the same run of it. The only part that truly matters is to keep sailing and to resist the (sometimes constant) urge to pull in all your sheets and give up. And of course, you have to learn to trust your equipment, just as it is crucial to trust your judgment, your sense of what you want and don’t want in life, and to follow your moral compass even when it feels precarious.

Wet Rhododendron (prints available)

I am working at embracing failure as an opportunity, learning and improving each time, and looking carefully at what I’ve done and what I haven’t done to end up where I am. Instead of wearing my past failures as constraints on the future, I am owning them and taking pride in how I’ve developed because of them, like a fantastically-branching holly tree. In addition to the big material areas like my career and finances, I am looking at the smaller failures too – times I didn’t communicate as carefully as I should have, when I didn’t give as much of myself as I wanted, when I was pointlessly selfish, when I didn’t speak up or help as much as I meant to, or when I wasn’t as fully open and honest as I strive to be. As we sail along, we should constantly refine our craft at being human and treating others well. When I look at those failings or feel consumed with regret for how I’ve treated someone, I see extraordinary potential for growth and development: I know in my heart I can do better. My sense of failure is a recognition that I have it in me, which is empowering beyond belief.

If we fail better, which is to say fail more mindfully and openly, with a forgiving spirit, the amorphous shape of regret takes on specifics. If we look at them closely instead of distracting or excusing ourselves, I believe we can learn how to be kinder, more compassionate, and ultimately stronger, more honest, open, and beautiful people. That’s the course I plan to sail anyway.

Healing Vibes: My First Sound Bath

Many of the coolest things I’ve done in my life have been spontaneous, last-minute “that sounds interesting” kinds of decisions. The night before the Women’s March, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a post about a sound bath hosted by the Acoustic Mandala Project, whom I knew about through Brooklyn Raga Massive. As I happen to be working on a series of art pieces based on sacred geometry and mandalas, their name jumped out at me, and I asked my mother if she’d like to go directly after the march. We agreed it would be a stark contrast and hoped we wouldn’t be too tired to fully experience it, but we were both so intrigued we couldn’t resist. Not surprisingly, it turned out to be one of the better decisions we’ve ever made.

A sound bath is a meditative experience using specific frequencies of sound (kind of like notes or tones) that – forgive the pun – strike a chord in people. The mathematical relationship among the frequencies touches something visceral and fundamental in the body and mind, and people generally experience incredible healing and a profound meditative experience. These guys carefully explained the concepts, how they derived the tones and discovered the ways different sounds resonate with one another to form chord-like harmonies. They blended electronically purified tones with raga-inflected rhythms, instrumentation, chimes, flutes, and singing bowls struck in person to make an unbelievably rich tapestry of sound and vibrations. I don’t mean vibration in the sort of airy-fairy sense, but actual physical vibrations that coursed through the body head-to-toe for several minutes at a time. But I’m getting ahead of myself a bit.

After the introduction, everyone in the group laid down on yoga mats in a wobbly semi-circle, covered with woven blankets and wearing eye masks. After our day of marching and feeling so connected with women and humanity on a universal level, it was a vertiginous dive into the mind and the self. The first few minutes felt like a psychedelic clearing-out of everything my mind had been processing, just loads of colors and shapes, invented cartoon characters, and as close as what I imagine LSD hallucinations might look like. I typically experience mild synesthesia in response to sound (which is part of why I am so obsessed with music), so any time I close my eyes and listen, it’s a bit like watching abstract paintings swim around. The purity of these tones evoked something much more intense and emotional than usual, which I felt to be the core of myself. The sound bath lasted a bit more than an hour, I think, with various instruments and tones being introduced, moved around the room, and bringing our bodies and minds on an extraordinary journey with them.

I have spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around the idea of resonance, as it was the basis for the NMR research we did at Pratt and generally a very cool concept (I highly suggest reading more about acoustic resonance and then helping me explain it better). If you imagine two frequencies of energy like waves in the ocean that run into one another, they first go higher (amplification) then move together thereafter (sympathetic vibrations) at a sweet spot that causes more waves around them. It’s a bit more complex, but certain frequencies resonate in relationships that form chords that just feel right, like the brightness of the I-III-V relationship of major triads in music.

They had a pair of singing bowls that not only resonated with one another, but did so in a I-V relationship (I think – it might have been I-IV), so that when one was struck by the feet and the other by the head, the body joined in the brightness of that sound, and you could literally feel every molecule of yourself vibrating like an open chord. Maybe it is helpful to picture a bunch of particles spinning in random directions. When the tones were struck, imagine every one aligning like a crystalline grid and briefly spinning in the same direction, in a way that made the mind experience pure joy and luminous energy. There is more neuroscience and physics to it, but the sensation was like having goosebumps all over, shivering with pleasure, and feeling every part of oneself melt into another state.

Prayer wheels at Sarnath, the site of the bodhi tree where the Buddha attained enlightenment.
(Prints available)

I thought that might be the height of the experience, but it continued through a whole bunch of other similar body and mind sensations, choreographed in waves and beautiful complexity. It felt like my soul was dancing, simultaneously a particle and a wave in some quantum state of existence and non-existence. I felt utterly, completely free, like metaphysical flying, but also intensely grounded and connected with the raw physicality of being human.

The “finale” of the sound bath is one of those sensations I will keep with me the rest of my life. They went around to each person and struck tuning forks to a pitch that once again resonated perfectly with the softer tones washing over the room, then placed the forks on everyone’s foreheads. I am struggling to think of any way to describe it except as a soul-level orgasm. The frequencies are known to be healing, for reasons not yet fully understood, unlocking blocked emotions and energies within the body and kind of making them sing. Having this pure vibration reverberate from the head through the entire body for several minutes of exquisite being-in-this-moment presence is like nothing I’ve ever known before. I’ve never felt more awake, yet at peace, aware of everything in my mind, yet open. It was like stretching, seeing stars, and slipping through a crack into some surreality of pleasure and beauty.

I was afraid of the come-down from such a great high, that as the vibrations ceased all the muddy and dark stuff in my brain would gunk it up again. I was astonished to find that never happened. I wasn’t able to pinpoint when the vibrations ceased – I just kind of rode the wave back into myself. I preserved the clarity and purity of that moment for the rest of the session – and since then – as if all the little subatomic particles in my mind and body got right and just stayed that way.

When we took our eye masks off, I saw everyone else’s eyes were wide and shining like mine, as they described things they felt and “saw” and experienced throughout. It was the spiritual equivalent of the sun coming out from behind clouds after rain and lighting up the mind like the sky. My mother described dramatic visuals in shades of purple, which are supposed to be associated with the crown chakra in meditation. I joked with her that purple is the color I’ve always associated with her, so of course her soul would be purple too.

I am still mesmerized by what an extraordinary experience it was, and I doubt I can ever adequately convey to someone what it felt like in that moment. When I think back, it reminds me of the time I jumped off a cliff into a glacial river in Iceland – saying the words and telling the story kept horrifying me every time I repeated it, like I still couldn’t believe I’d actually done that. This sound bath was a similar sort of jumping-off-a-cliff into something exhilaratingly beautiful and unknown, and yet at the same time, diving within, to the parts of my mind and existence I know best because they’ve been with me all along. I will cherish it forever.

Be with this moment

As I have mentioned previously, I quote romantic comedies with a somewhat comical frequency in my everyday life. One of the more unexpectedly profound moments in Sweet Home Alabama (spoiler alert) is when Melanie (Reese Witherspoon) tells her fiancé Andrew (Patrick Dempsey) that she can’t marry him:

Andrew, you don’t want to marry me.

I don’t?

No. No, you don’t, not really. You see, the truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago. My whole heart, and I never really got it back. And I don’t even know what else to say, but I’m sorry. I can’t marry you. And you shouldn’t want to marry me.

So this is what this feels like.

The simplicity of his statement, paired with his shocked expression as he struggles to process everything she’s said and what it means for his life, is a touchstone of cinematic empathy for me (it’s okay to make fun of me for that). I picture Patrick Dempsey’s stupefied face every time I hurt someone or watch someone struggle with disappointment, and I can’t count the amount of times I’ve stood stunned myself in the face of heartbreak, identifying with him completely. His response is most typically how I process let-downs now, usually echoing his exact words to myself. So this is what this feels like.

The scene continues as his overbearing mother, played brilliantly by Candice Bergen, shouts, “That’s it?! You’re just gonna let her humiliate you with some bullshit about an old husband?” Dazed, he replies in the same calm, detached manner, “Yeah, I think I am. Excuse me.”

(I really love this movie.)

For as long as I can remember, I have adopted a style of depersonalization to cope with fear, hurt, upset, anger, disappointment, and so on, detaching and looking at the situation from the outside as an abstraction. I frequently cite a point of trivia from neuroscience that seemingly conflicting emotions, such as dread and excited anticipation, are identical signals in the brain – it’s simply a matter of interpretation whether they are experienced as positive or negative. Stepping outside oneself, upsetting events are still novel, and in a certain light, our capacity to hurt or fear or experience anything intensely can be kind of abstractly beautiful. I guess that’s why depersonalization works. We can step back and say, “Wow, I can actually feel my heart sinking, how about that.”

I have felt myself resisting conscious experiences since the election, either sinking into altered consciousness / escapism, or sublimating and floating somewhere outside of myself. I am either deep under the sea or up in the clouds, with no desire to deal with the sinking ship of emotions in the present tense. Not surprisingly, that has its own problems, especially when so much of my mental health strategy involves being as Present as possible. I am on familiar ground here, and I have caught myself hiding inside my mind, but I don’t want to be emotionally sequestered anymore and especially not for the next four years.

I’ve been reading books on meditation and philosophy lately, especially Thích Nhất Hạnh. They have been incredible and perfectly-timed reminders that we have a seemingly infinite capacity to bear pain or hurt from others and that the resilience of the human spirit comes, always, in compassion and being fully present. Quite literally getting on the ground (through sitting meditation) and being with this moment.

In Pema Chödrön‘s excellent book Living Beautifully: with Uncertainty and Change, she outlines the importance of groundlessness and why we should not resist situations that cause trepidation or an unsettled sense of confusion in the universe. Citing the concept of samsara, which she defines as going around and around, recycling the same patterns, she identifies kleshas as the force behind the samsara turbine of pain. Kleshas, she explains, are the “conflicting emotions that cloud the mind,” such as anger, pride, jealousy, and despair, which are the mind’s attempt to escape groundlessness. When we give in to them, our preexisting habits are reinforced, and the wheel continues to spin, paradoxically keeping us even more inescapably trapped in the feeling of groundlessness.

Instead, Chödrön and everyone who’s gotten further in Buddhism 101 than me recommends trying to be even more present, feeling every feeling, reflecting on ourselves having these feelings, and while not obsessively dwelling on the kleshas or just going numb, living through these moments. By being with them, instead of trying to get away from them, and facing reality head on, we can find meaning and inspiration to make changes. In short, take the Patrick Dempsey approach, “So this is what this feels like.”

I have found myself stepping back a lot, limiting the amount of attention I can give to news items (I suspect there will be no shortage of think-pieces and disheartening headlines on our ensuing chaos), trying to keep political conversations focused and specific, seeking positive action instead of anger or despair, choosing my battles or when to walk away, and trying to get into the present tense with this surreality, which includes a lot of world and existence outside of our government and the unconscionable behavior of some of my fellow Americans. Slowly, I am starting to find a path – not out, but through – that gives me a tiny bit of hope and reassurance. It’s not terribly pleasant, but hey, at least I’m feeling again.

I already resent the amount of mental energy and emotion I have spent on this election and the current state of politics in the world, but I am resolved to not let it be in vain. I’m going to transform it into more beautiful thoughts, ideas to help people and the environment, substantive art, acts of compassion, and energy toward progress.

I am reclaiming my present. So this is what this feels like.

On being single and turning 35

When I was young, I took certain biological conditions of my existence for granted. I assumed I would find the love of my life in college or shortly thereafter, that we’d get married, and that I’d have children in my early to mid 20s. My mother was 25 when she had me, and her mother was 25 when she had her. I realized as I approached my 25th birthday that I would not be following that tradition, but surely, I thought, it was right around the corner. I believed I’d met the right person and that our life was leading in that direction. I was laughably wrong.

This November I turn 35, which I have customarily treated as the expiration date on my childbearing years. I’m not sure where I got that number, although since Facebook thinks all I’m interested in is menstruation and reproduction, articles on fertility pop up all the time. In one from The Atlantic originally published in 2013 called “How Long Can You Wait to Have a Baby?” which came up again this weekend, I re-read how a lot of our culturally-accepted understanding that 35 is the start of fertility decline is based on French birth records from 1670 to 1830. And today I read how the one thing I believed to be true, that all a woman’s eggs are present at her birth, may not be true.

Frida Kahlo, The Love Embrace of the Universe, the Earth (Mexico), Diego, Me, and Señor Xolotl, 1949, oil on Masonite.

In truth, I rather enjoyed the poetry and Keanu “whoa” moment of a meme I saw once (and of course can’t find now), declaring, “The egg that became you formed in your mother’s body when she was in your grandmother’s womb.” That’s a pretty profound expansion of one’s physical existence beyond the borders of known consciousness. But it’s also okay with me if that’s not accurate. I know of many examples in my family and others where women continued having healthy babies well past 35 and 40, and my doctor, like everyone else in my life, says I worry too much and my age shouldn’t be an issue. But I think she’s assuming I’m not going to hit pause for another 5 or 10 years while I get the rest of my life together and find a suitable partner.

Beyond feasibility, there are other factors to consider in having a baby, like the increased odds of some chromosomal mutations and genetic aberrations with age, or whether I personally should be passing down my DNA at all. Maybe the love of my life turns out to be someone who’s unable to have children in the traditional way, or maybe it turns out I’m unable to carry a child to term (you don’t really know until you get pregnant, right?). I always thought I’d have plenty of time to work those questions out, but I’ve wasted a really lot of it. And I would like some time to get to know the person with whom I’d be creating another life and be reasonably confident the world would benefit from a combination of us.

Self Portrait as the Sea, 2016, digital collage

So turning 35 is a bit sad for me. Even if it’s not the actual end of my chances to have biological children, it’s a lot closer to the end than 25 was, and I haven’t made any better progress in dating men who want to marry me and start a family. If anything I’m back-sliding on that front. Men my age like to freak out when I say upfront that yes, I want a real relationship and yes, I’d like to get married and have children sooner than later. Maybe I’m supposed to pretend I don’t care or that I’m so chill all I’m thinking about is brunch tomorrow, but that would be a lie. I’m not trying to waste more time, but I’m also not going to settle for the wrong person just because he might be my last chance. I’d rather be alone forever than unhappy with the wrong person again. I’ve always been okay with adoption, an option that would give me more time, but that’s by far the more difficult and expensive path, and from what I understand, preference is still given to married couples with healthy bank accounts. I don’t imagine saying, “I don’t know, I’ll trust the universe and figure it out” is the best approach to getting approved to adopt as a single parent if it goes that way.

Occasionally in quiet moments preceding mortality-based “What the hell am I doing with my time on this planet?” type panic attacks, I like to ask myself, “Do I even want children?” I think about the ways my life would change, how expensive and exhausting and challenging kids are, and I can’t honestly say I know for sure I’d be a good mother. I’m nurturing, I try to do right by people, I have a pretty strong sense of responsibility when it comes to caring for pets or other people’s children, so I assume I could get my act together for my own, but I don’t actually know if that’s true. Would I be able to put on a good face in the depths of depression and act like everything’s okay so my kid has a normal childhood, or would I make them miserable and unhappy because I still can’t manage my brain chemistry and need a lot of quiet time? Children can’t process that stuff easily, and I don’t want to damage someone I’m supposed to be encouraging to dream and hope and love.

I’ve always believed I wanted a family because I had a pretty great childhood and family means so much to me. Some bad things happened, I had some struggles, but my parents were always there for me and helped me through it. We had a lot of fun, and I am so grateful that my parents made our family such a priority – we ate dinner together every night, no matter what, and we all talked about our day, discussed current events, and truly knew each other as people. I dream of having that, instead of eating by myself at midnight if I get around to cooking. I’m very close with both of my parents and my brother as adults, and so in addition to the years of cute little people cruising around and energetic family life, I’d like substantive relationships with my children as adults too. My mother recently told me she and my father had a “No Assholes” policy when we were kids, which is to say they would not tolerate brattiness, unkindness, temper tantrums, selfishness, materialism, passive consumption of media, lying, or any of the things that would enable us to grow up into boring, asshole adults. They were quite young when they had kids, so their intent was to raise people they enjoyed being around. And then they spent a lot of time with us and did their best to help us be good people (they still do). I think that’s what I want.

But… I don’t want it with the wrong person. I have dated some great guys, but also some appallingly terrible ones, and I worry about my judgement and ability to pick the right person for me. I have deals with a few friends and family members that if they ever see me dating someone who seems like another jerk, they need to tell me immediately and not let me waste time trying to spare my feelings. I tend to only see the best in people and latch onto it, so I need to start being slightly more objective and honest with myself about misgivings, if the plan is to have a child with a man whom I hope to be the love of my life.

I know a lot of people who have chosen not to have children, and it seems like they have very happy, full lives. I also know a lot of single parents who are happier than they ever were in a relationship with their children’s parent. Maybe the universe has something different in mind for me than I’d always planned for myself. I know I will do my best to find the meaning and beauty in whatever iteration of family life or solitude I end up in, but I’d like it to be by choice and not by default. I have been saying for a while now that if I were still single when I turned 35 I’d adopt a cat, and I’m having commitment issues even with that. How will I know when it’s the right time to move on from plan A to something else? When do I stop looking for a life partner and just enjoy men’s company for what it is? Or does it just happen quietly one day, when some more time has passed, and I ask myself why I kept sabotaging relationships and clinging to my solitude, then decide I must not have wanted a family after all?

Fujikasa Satoko, Plant Growth, 2013, stoneware with matte translucent glaze, at the Peabody Essex Museum, Salem, Massachusetts

I have spent most of my adult life trying to fix the things I think are wrong with me and trying to make my life better (it’s been one of the themes of this blog since 2014 at least). All of my goals for personal growth, improved health, financial stability, positive life experiences, cultivating relationships with truly good people, and aligning my existence with my values are directly compatible with meeting a soulmate and raising a family, so it’s not like I necessarily need to shift focus or do anything differently. If anything, I should probably focus more on them while I can, since I’m not sure I would be able to get a lot of exercise and meditation in with a newborn around.

I recently read the infinitely-quotable book How to Love by Thich Nhat Hanh, who always makes life seem so simple and gentle. He uses an extended metaphor of gardening for how to bring love from oneself out into the world to share with others. I was especially taken with a line on aspirations:

If you have a deep aspiration, a goal for your life, then your loving of others is part of this aspiration and not a distraction from it.

I’ve been thinking about this over and over, as I think about what goals I want to set for my 35th birthday. I need to adjust my mindset to one where love, and nurturing my relationships with love, are back at the center. If I want to bring love and family into my life, I need to make myself a garden where love can grow (both metaphorically and yuck, yes, physically). Whatever form that takes, I need to welcome it with gratitude, and I know I won’t get there any sooner by being impatient about it.

So this year I am going to try to actually celebrate, instead of grieve, and be grateful for the opportunities I’ve had, instead of resentful that time passed with no more progress toward a family. I will try to enjoy the unanswered questions and unsettled conditions as mysteries of possibility yet to unfold. I’m going to keep trying to be more open and honest and present day to day, to be more of myself even when it would be easier to give up, curl into a ball, and make decisions I’ll regret years from now. I always tell other friends who are upset about being single that you can’t meet the love of your life until you’re both who and where you need to be, to be right for each other. So maybe it’s time to start taking my own advice and make the best of things as they are, instead of how I might wish them to be.

And maybe it’s time to look into adopting that cat.


An Unusual Relationship

Evangelical Christians and Jews

Yaakov Ariel

NYU Press (publisher)

is generally accepted that Jews and evangelical Christians have little in
common. Yet special alliances developed
between the two groups in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. Evangelicals
viewed Jews as both the rightful heirs of Israel and as a group who failed to
recognize their true savior. Consequently, they set out to influence the course
of Jewish life by attempting to evangelize Jews and to facilitate their return
to Palestine. Their double-edged perception caused unprecedented political,
cultural, and theological meeting points that have revolutionized
Christian-Jewish relationships. An Unusual Relationship explores the
beliefs and political agendas that evangelicals have created in order to affect
the future of the Jews. Additionally, it analyses Jewish opinions and reactions
to those efforts, as well as those of other religious groups, such as Arab
volume offers a fascinating, comprehensive analysis of the roots,
manifestations, and consequences of evangelical interest in the Jews, and the
alternatives they provide to conventional historical Christian-Jewish
interactions. It also provides a compelling understanding of Middle Eastern
politics through a new lens.

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Goodreads reviews for An Unusual Relationship


Jasper Jones movie review: a modern Australian classic

Craig Silvey’s 2009 novel Jasper Jones is a bit of a modern classic, telling a dark, moving and often quite funny story of prejudice in Corrigan, a small West Australian town in the 1960s.

SupportBadgeThe book has picked up several awards and plenty of adult and teenage fans since its release, and has been called, perhaps a little reductively, Australia’s answer to To Kill a Mockingbird. Much like To Kill a Mockingbird, it features a young protagonist, 13-year-old Charlie Bucktin, who comes to the realisation that justice isn’t as simple as they once believed.

And much like To Kill a Mockingbird, it now has an intelligent, lively, and deeply affecting screen adaptation.

There’s a strongly held fear and anger at the core of his community, but Charlie (Levi Miller), a young, bookish caucasian boy, has rarely had his eyes opened to it. That is until Jasper Jones (Aaron McGrath), a 16-year-old Aboriginal boy who seems to be blamed for everything bad in Corrigan, knocks on Charlie’s window late one night.

“[Toni] Collette, in particular, is heart-breaking as Charlie’s oft-neglected but loving mum Ruth.”

He takes Charlie to the scene of a terrible crime and begs for his help in covering it up, fearing he’ll be blamed for the crime he didn’t commit. Jasper knows he’ll have to solve the mystery himself and only fellow outsider Charlie can get him out of this mess.

The film doesn’t fully explain why Jasper asks for Charlie’s help when the pair barely know each other, nor why Charlie immediately decides to keep Jasper’s secret and dive into the midst of a dangerous web of lies.

But once you accept that premise, it’s a wonderfully engaging ride, using a murder mystery to explore the dark underbelly of Australian society in the 1960s.

Director Rachel Perkins’ film is remarkably restrained for a narrative packed so full of twists and turns, and that’s due largely to excellent and firmly realistic performances. It certainly has moments of visual flair, and manages to look at familiar Australian settings from surprising angles (both literally and figuratively), but it’s the dialogue, straight-forward storytelling, and scene work that drives this film.

The presence of Toni Collette and Hugo Weaving in pivotal supporting roles lend the film some of its best moments. Collette, in particular, is heart-breaking as Charlie’s oft-neglected but loving mum Ruth, reaching her own breaking point as the small-town summer heats up and starts to suffocate.

The younger cast members are all fantastic, but Levi Miller’s turn as Charlie is astonishing, carrying the entire film with a mixture of intense, nervous energy and curiosity.

Perkins has stayed very true to the novel, with a screenplay penned by Silvey himself and Shaun Grant, keeping Charlie at the absolute centre. When he sees the abuse doled out to Jasper, or his best friend Jeffrey Lu (a very charming and funny Kevin Long) and his Vietnamese family, it’s really only a brief glimpse of what these characters go through.

This is a story of racial prejudice told through the eyes of a young white protagonist, but putting an Indigenous filmmaker like Perkins into the directors chair brings a new and enriching perspective to the narrative: the way she juxtaposes young Jeffrey’s success in saving the Corrigan cricket team, with the way his parents are treated by the town’s racists, reminds that acceptance of difference in Australia is often conditional and only temporary.

At first, given that Miller’s Charlie is so charismatic, intelligent and likeable, it feels as though the film might go down the white saviour path, but it becomes obvious soon enough that Charlie isn’t equipped to save anybody.

The characters who have been cast aside by this town have small wins and moments of redemption, but the fault lines in Corrigan ran far too deep for Charlie to even start solving the biggest problems.

Jasper Jones is in cinemas from March 2

15 responses to “Jasper Jones movie review: a modern Australian classic

  1. Prior to seeing the film, I knew little of the Jasper Jones story however I was struck by the many references that had been made to it being Australia’s To Kill a Mockingbird.

    Whilst similarities can be drawn what really stood out for me was the efforts the film itself sought to make this reference, albeit at a somewhat subliminal level.

    An obvious linkage was when Charlie is searching for evidence to uncover the killer he is seen in the library researching a number of sources which included Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood. At the same time Eliza is seeking to access and “research” another book by Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

    These two Capote novels serve as a link between Charlie and Eliza. In part it establishes their companionship and drives their shared journey of discovery.

    These two novels also serve as a link back to To Kill a Mockingbird. When Capote was researching the crimes that inspired In Cold Blood he was accompanied by Harper Lee during his visits to Holcomb, Kansas. Their companionship and shared journey of discovery has been well documented.

  2. I enjoyed the book and was looking forward to the movie, which I found riveting and involving. Sadly in a movie there is just not time to explore the lives of the minor characters, eg. the Lus, and I was glad that they included Jeffrey’s great cricketing achievement. However the wonderful dialogue between Charlie and Jeffrey in the book was treated sketchily because it was outside the main plot lines, and I missed it. Overall though, very true to the book, and thought it was wellcast.

  3. Far and away the best Australian film ever and instantly in my top five all time favs. Finally we have a director who understands how to use music effectively to build suspense and draw us into the characters and situations. Beautifully shot, especially the night sequences by the billabong. The whole film had a magical quality for me.

  4. After enjoying the book I have been looking forwards to watching the film…and was not disappointed. The characterisations by both the young and older, more experienced actors were exactly as I imagined them and often exhibited a level of complexity and dimension that made them entirely believable. The world of a small country town in the 60’s has been brilliantly recreated and there was much excellent cinematography, notably in the nighttime bush scenes and the New Years Eve celebrations. Sound and lighting effects are appropriate and seamless.This is much more than a simple coming of age story. The narrative is original and multi-layered and deals with such universal themes as racism, bigotry, family tensions, ignorance, guilt and innocence and young love.Far and away one of the best Australian films in recent years.

  5. A beautifully shot film, with magnetic performances by the young cast … but the story was full of holes. A teenage girl goes missing, and the authorities suspect foul play, because they bring up police from the city and talk about ‘dragging the river’. Yet there appears to be no effort made by anyone to search for the girl. The father seems to just go off to work as if nothing is amiss; and the younger sister just swans around renewing her library books and going to fireworks displays as if nothing is wrong, yet she, of all people, knows there is. Toni Collette’s character seems to go from being very happy – dancing with Charlie, playing cards , to suddenly being so unhappy she has to leave town. Meanwhile, chief suspect Jasper escapes custody, but nobody goes looking for him, either. Finally, Charlie’s bedroom in the middle of the harsh West Australian summer has louvered windows and no fly screens? He should have been dead from mosquito bites. And Eliza is sitting in her room on 31 Dec with the (fly screen less) window shut?

  6. First I must say I found the film a pleasant way to spend two hours. But just as I understand it’s not possible to be partly pregnant, Jasper Jones in wanting us to believe that a film can be partly plausible. The basic premise of Charlie and Jasper being together is very difficult to acccept. In the film, Corrigan never looks genuinely small town – or is it shown as a bigger town than it should be. The film also has too much plot. All of Hugo Weaving’s character is little more than a red herring. I won’t mention the credibility of the cricket match. Where Jasper Jones really glowed was in the characterisation of Geoffrey and Dan Wyllie as Charlie’s father. Sorry to have reservations, especially as I’ve always loved the novel and recommended it to so many friends.Barry

  7. I have seen the film and it is all that has been said and more. I think it easily surpasses the much awarded Moonlight .
    For one, you will be able to hear every word of the dialogue!
    And for two, it is both thoughtful and thought provoking.

  8. Five stars for this magnificent film. In this deplorable era of mumbling, I understood every word uttered by every character. The camera work, especially in the karri forest at nightime, was bewitching. The author of the book did a remarkable job of transferring to the difficult medium of a film screenplay. The film and its many talented actors must sweep the pool at AFI Awards and it deserves international acclaim. Rachel Perkins, keep bringing her on!

    1. Unfortunately, the clarity of the dialogue was TOO clear in the case of Jasper Jones who obviously sounded well educated, but he was illiterate!

  9. Saw the film at a pre-release through Belvoir st theatre. Absolutely loved it. The way it is put together is actually amazing. Best film I have seen for years.

  10. very interesting review. personally, the trailers i’ve seen have enticed me to go check it out. congratulations to all of those involved! it’s a wonderful tale…

  11. Hey Ben,
    I know its not the done thing, but I just wanted to say a big thanks for your review. It means a great deal to our team that you appreciate what we have made. Rachel

    1. Just keep up the amazing work Rachel… if you are in Darwin (or Alice) it would be great to interview you for VAMPtv (arts vodcast for NT remote schools)… check…

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Protecting patients and promoting quality in healthcare are generally accepted goals for providers and employers.  However, even with the positive purpose and intent behind exclusion screening, complicated decisions must be made to achieve appropriate allocation of resources. Stakes are high due to the potential impact on patient care, individual employees, and the entire organization, so it is essential to understand the different exclusion lists.

Several entities present the need for screening: General Services Administration’s System for Award Management (GSA SAM), the OIG List of Excluded Individuals and Entities (LEIE), and multiple state specific exclusions lists. Also, a National Provider Data Bank (NPDB) receives and discloses reports on practitioners.

Exclusion screening is an important step since most potential reimbursement for providers hinges on eligibility of their employees to receive payment (even indirectly) from government funds. It’s worth noting that the risk goes beyond participation in Medicare and Medicaid because many health plans require participating employers to certify that none of their employees or other personnel are excluded from participating in any state or federal healthcare program.

General Services Administration’s System for Award Management GSA/SAM

Registration with SAM is necessary to do business with the US government. In July, 2012, GSA migrated its Excluded Parties List System (EPLS) and other systems to the new System for Award Management (SAM). SAM is a comprehensive database that federal agencies can use to determine the eligibility of individuals or entities to participate in their programs.

SAM includes OIG’s exclusions but also includes debarment actions taken by federal agencies. The OIG has no authority to impose civil monetary penalties (CMPs) on the basis of employment of (or contracting with) a debarred person.

It isn’t necessary to set up an account to check the GSA/SAM.  However, it does require a few steps to complete the screening. Additional information regarding SAM and debarment is available. Free help with registration is also provided on the site.

The OIG List of Excluded Individuals and Entities (LEIE)

In April 2016, the Office of Inspector General (OIG) updated its policy statement relating to the criteria it considers in determining whether to exclude an individual or entity from participation in federal healthcare programs.

OIG exclusion does not affect a person’s ability to participate in other government procurement or non-procurement transactions. The effect of OIG exclusion is to preclude payment by federal health care programs for items or services furnished, ordered, or prescribed by the excluded party.

Providers should use the LEIE as the primary source of information about OIG exclusions because the LEIE is maintained by OIG. The list is updated monthly and provides details about persons excluded, such as the statutory basis for the exclusion action, the person’s occupation at the time of exclusion, the person’s date of birth, and address information.

State Medicaid Exclusions

Nearly forty states have exclusions lists.  Ideally, states would share this information with the OIG and all exclusions would be detected through the LEIE each month.  Unfortunately, this is not always the case. A state may automatically exclude an individual excluded by OIG but the opposite isn’t always true.

Many states maintain exclusions lists with screening required as a condition of participating in Medicaid.   Other states recommend checking the state list as best practice without making it a requirement. For example, New York states that it is best practice to check their exclusions list every 30 days.

In order to thoroughly screen, an employer would need to check every state exclusion list along with the LEIE on a monthly basis.  Realistically, risks and benefits must be weighed by an organization to determine appropriate expenditure of resources.

National Practitioner Data Bank (NPDB)

NPDB provides a national repository of reports to enhance professional review efforts and prevent healthcare fraud and abuse with the ultimate goal of protecting the public. The NPDB receives and discloses reports on health care practitioners, providers, and suppliers, as well as health care organizations. These reports are submitted by authorized organizations as mandated by federal law. These laws determine the types of actions that can or must be reported to the NPDB. A detailed list of reportable actions is available in the NPDB Guidebook.

The importance of NPDB is discussed less often than other screenings. However, most providers agree with Antique Nguyen of Precheck that “patient safety is the backbone of healthcare and the NPDB plays a critical role in protecting patients from unfit, excluded practitioners”. Interested individuals and organizations can learn more through self-query.

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Best American Flags in Vashon WA 98070

Proudly Made in the USA American Flags around Vashon WA 98070

A nationwide icon that has the names “The Stars and Stripes”, “Old Glory”, and “The Star-Spangled Banner”, the American flag is among the extremely identifiable symbols on the planet today. This is mainly as a result of the standing of the United States as one of the most prominent nations in history. The American Flag is the third oldest of the National Standards of the globe – older compared to the Union Jack of Britain or the Tricolor of France. It is unique in the deep as well as honorable importance of its message to the whole globe. It represents a message of nationwide freedom, of individual liberty, of optimism, as well as of nationalism.

Who created the American Flag?
Exactly what does the American Flag represent?
Why is the American Flag vital to American community?
Where can I buy American Flags?

Who created the American Flag?

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

What does the American Flag represent?

The flag initially flew over thirteen states along the Atlantic coast, with a population of some three million individuals. Today it flies over fifty states, extending across the continent, as well as over multiple islands of both seas; and many owe it obligation. It has actually been brought to this happy position by love and also sacrifice. People have actually progressed it and heroes have actually died for it.

It incarnates for all the human race the spirit of freedom and the marvelous belief of human liberty; not the freedom of unrestraint or the liberty of license, but a unique ideal of equal opportunity for life, liberty and also the quest of joy, guarded by the demanding and also soaring concepts of duty, of morality and of justice, and achievable by obedience to self-imposed laws.

Two times told tales of national honor as well as splendor cluster thickly about it. It births witness to the immense development of our national limits, the development of our natural resources, and also the superb framework of our people. It forecasts the victory of prominent federal government, of civic and also spiritual freedom as well as of national decency throughout the globe.

Why is the American Flag important to American culture?

The American flag is essential because it represents the independent government as defined under the United States Constitution. Add to that, it additionally represents the background, ideas and values of its residents. As a democratic country, its people adhere to all-important values such as freedom, justice and equal rights. Furthermore, the flag likewise symbolizes the numerous achievements of the nation as well as the pride of its people.

This nationwide icon reminds people, not only in the state of Washington, but throughout the entire USA about the different crucial aspects of the Declaration of Independence. It is a complex symbol, which stands for the liberty as well as legal rights of Americans. Drifting from the soaring pinnacle of American idealism, it is a sign of enduring hope.

Where can I find American Flags?

You possibly already discovered this, but there are a lot of locations where you could obtain American flags. Nonetheless, it is important to note that the flag you are going to buy ought to be “Made in United States of America”.

The flag represents national self-reliance as well as prominent sovereignty. It is not the flag of a ruling family or imperial house, yet of the millions free people welded right into a country, one and also indivisible, unified not only by community of interest, yet by crucial unity of view and also function; a country differentiated for the clear specific perception of its people alike of their tasks as well as their privileges, their commitments and their legal rights.

Vashon ZIP codes we serve: 98070


Abbot General Gedikian Passes Away

VENICE–The oldest member of the Venice Mekhitarist Catholic order–former Abbot General and Patriarch–Bishop Hmayak Gedikian passed away at 5:30 a.m. in Rome.

Born in 1905 in Trabizon–Bishop Gedikian was ordained a priest in 1921–after being saved by a family during the Genocide and later attending the Mekhitarist Seminary in Istanbul.

In 1964 he was elected Abbot General of the Mekhitarist order. In 1971–he was ordained a bishop.

In July of 1976 he was named Patriarch and served that position until 1982–following which he retired and moved to Rome.

Bishop Gedikian was an influential figure at the Mekhitarist order. He authored numerous books and was an expert in church constitutional matters. He also translated numerous religious texts from Latin to Armenia. He leaves behind a vast collection of unpublished works.

Discussion Policy


27 luglio 2006

Proclaiming Christ in the Amazon

Interview With Bishop Castriani

TEFE, Brazil, JULY 26, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Sergio Eduardo Castriani is no stranger to the jungle.

He is the bishop of the Tefe Prelature, which extends over an area the size of mainland Italy and is located in the heart of the Brazilian Amazon region.

In this excerpt of his interview with ZENIT, Bishop Castriani, 52, speaks of the beauty and challenges of being the head of this jurisdiction.

In general, the population lives on the banks of the rivers that flood during the rainy season. They are descendants of the rubber workers and chestnut sellers. About three-quarters of the 215,000 inhabitants are Catholic, served by 14 priests.

Q: How is Jesus Christ and the Church's message presented to the natives?

Bishop Castriani: Virtually all the native groups already have or have had for centuries contact with the Church; that is, the Church is not just arriving there now.

With very rare exceptions, these native groups, including the nomads, who are also the most isolated, have already had contact with the Church. This contact has come about through an evangelization which at times has been a bit hasty, through sacramentalization and through devotions.

Because of this, the majority of the native groups are Catholic in the sense that they have been baptized. They have Catholic devotions and feel themselves part of the Church. A work of evangelization is being carried out with them, taking into account their identity and history, but it is an endeavor of evangelization to deepen the faith, that is, to believe in Jesus Christ and at the same time to continue to be natives, preserving their culture.

It is different with those who still have their traditional religion. They are groups in which people approach the Church with respect but with an attitude of dialogue. And dialogue presupposes that I am truly very convinced of what I believe, but that I respect that which the other believes.

It is, in the first place, a dialogue of life, that is, of coexistence, of humanly respecting one another and then, little by little, of revealing their own interior, creed, and of not having papers written ahead of time.

That is, when one enters into dialogue, one does not know what point will be reached, because if dialogue is to convince the other to adhere to one's own faith, then it isn't dialogue, it is proselytism. Only God knows where dialogue will end, and it is he who knows how much time will be necessary.

Q: What is the situation of sects in the Amazon? Is there concern?

Bishop Castriani: It is a concern as it is in the rest of Brazil. I think that in the Amazon the presence is less compared to other areas of Brazil. Although many have abandoned the Church, not all have; they are not the majority.

Moreover, our communities and churches are full; we have much work in the Amazon, the Church is very alive, with many young people, many guides; people want to study, to learn, to participate.

There is also a vocational movement that is beginning to work very well. It is a paradoxical situation, in the sense that there is an invasion of these religious movements but there is also a great rebirth in the Catholic Church.

It is difficult to know where it will end, but I don't believe in a conquest of the Amazon by Protestant churches and Pentecostalism, I believe this has a limit. However, all the Pentecostal churches look to the Amazon; they invest, send people and have a plan to conquer the area.

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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Fog And Richard Cory

Fog and Richard CoryThe poem is basically an extended of a spot , a very rich successful musical composition , named Richard Cory . The cashier of the poem spends a full three quarters , the attempt three stanzas , of the poem only complimenting this man . He portrays this Richard Cory as the rival of all those around him , the object of each(prenominal)one s attention as we people on the pavement looked at him . He refers to Cory as a gentleman from sole to crown , and even uses wrangle that sounds suited to describe royalty when he calls Cory Clean well-off , and imperially slimThe second and third stanzas go on in much the same way . In the second stanza , the storyteller describes Cory s friendly caste . In the narrator s eye s , Cory continues to be the perfect , polite gentleman , as he was ceaselessly human when he talked . Cory was certainly not the picture of a snobbish or rude man . Cory was also a very popular fellow , as he fluttered pulses with a simple Good-morning . Add that he glittered when he walked , and Cory is an poignant fond figure indeedIn the third stanza , the narrator s picture of Richard Cory s perfect find oneself is completed , as the narrator goes on to tell us just somewhat Cory s financial success and his refined genius .
Cory is depict as richer than a king and schooled in every adorn To finish this wonderful picture of this wonderful man the narrator simply says we thought that he was everything / To make us inclination tha! t we were in his placeHowever , the poem takes a sudden , sulky convolute in the last stanza Robinson does this by root bring out a little more about the narrator In the first two lines of the fourth stanza , the narrator says So on we worked , and waited for the comfortable / And went without meat and cursed the bread This is obviously a recognition to the narrator s own light financial and social accede . For the narrator , work is a place of fantasm and rigor where you simple wait for the light For the narrator , at that place is no meat to eat at dinner-time , and after so umpteen meals without it , you begin to curse the cheap bread that you do ache to eat . This is a sharp and stark direct contrast to the fairy-tale manage glory that is the life of Richard Cory , and reminds the reader of the poem that for every Cory in the world , there is someone less rose-colored face upon that same Cory in aweAlso , this revelation puts everything that the narrator has g ive tongue to about Cory into a new light . As a poor , destitute man /woman , the narrator had every confession to be envious or jealous of Cory s draw in life--not just envious , but downright mingy , and vengeful of Cory . However , not one bad member about Cory passes from the narrator s lips . This speaks volumes about Cory s character , and makes the reader recollect that peradventure this...If you want to get a full essay, coif it on our website: BestEssayCheap.com


Our strategic planning of therapeutic areas for development of new and generic drugs, as well as cellular products is based on the in-depth analysis of the patient population needs in the Russian Federation for various medical products and treatments. Currently, we are pursuing research and development of therapies for the following diseases and pathological conditions.

The abnormal growth of blood vessels, stimulated by VEGF, is one of the pathogenetic mechanisms of retinal damage and vision loss in such common diseases as age-related macular degeneration and diabetic retinopathy. Ranibizumab, which is a modified form of Bevacizumab, was successfully used for treatment of the wet (exudative) form of age-related macular degeneration and macular oedema due to retinal vein occlusion.


Thursday, 29 December 2016

The fabric of magic is woven into our existence

I can say with full certainty that the world we inhabit is inherently magical. To walk through a natural structure crafted from giant trees that have thrived since modern comforts were inconceivable is to witness magic. Magic, to me, is a feeling. It's also a fabric that overlays the physical world - a membrane forged of collective psychology, of stories thousands of years old.

A few months ago I was sunning myself on the Greek island of Crete, looking out into the azure sea at a dragon. At first glance this rocky structure looked much like an island and I'm sure to the untrained eye it could easily be mistaken for one. But locals knew differently. The shape was definitely dragon-like - a creature that has been turned to stone and sits in the sea for eternity. "Nonsense," you might say. But can this membrane of folklore not allow this island to be both a physical geographic place and a dead serpent at the same time?

For me, magic exists alongside the mundane. These stories of supernatural beings and brave heroes form an overlay on this scientific world. One shouldn't exist without the other when it comes to analyzing the world around us. It's important to know that the Devil's Arrows are both a megalith erected by pagan ancestors and the literal weapons of a dark being. There is no use in 'debunking' the latter because the story is just one part of what makes these stones what they are today.

I used to subscribe to the materialistic school of thought - that the only importance lied in physical things that we could evidence. Everything else can be discounted. I am not religious but I know gods walk the earth within this magical membrane. Our very weekday names have been shaped by Woden, Freya and Saturn - can we ignore them as if they don't play a part in our world experience? Absolutely not.

I believe that life is much richer when we make room for the magical, the sublime. Over the past few years I've softened my position as a staunch atheist and have sang songs of and drank to the old gods. Not because I think they're listening, but because of what they represent.

As the world becomes a more uncertain place it's important to remember that it's also wonderful and brimming with secrets. While certain people want to tear others apart, we must remember that our shared stories, this fabric of magic, brings us together, no matter where you are in the world.


If we were to make a list of favorite garden vegetables, you probably wouldn't find eggplant very near the top of the list.  While it may not be as popular as the tomato, it does produce good yields of fruit, which can be used in a wide variety of dishes.  In addition, it is somewhat attractive, and has been used on occasion in ornamental plantings.

Eggplant is another member of the nightshade family (solanaceae), which also includes tomatoes, peppers, and potatoes.  Like other solanaceous crops, eggplants were once considered less-than-desirable as food, if not actually poisonous.  In the 16th century, it was known as the "mad apple", because it was thought that consumption would lead to insanity.

Originally, eggplant was found in two regions of the world.  Smaller-fruited types came from China, and larger-fruited types came from India.  The name of "eggplant" was chosen because of the shape of the small-fruited varieties which are similar to eggs.  Today, we can grow either type, or hybrids of the two types.  This has led to a wide selection of sizes, shapes, and colors.  There are even small, white varieties, which do come close to looking like eggs.  These can make unusual ornamental plants.

Like tomatoes, eggplants love hot weather, and do their best during mid-summer.  Daytime temperatures of 78 degrees are optimal.  Nighttime temperatures are best above 68 degrees.  Eggplants will grow in warmer weather, but may fail to set fruit if temperatures get too high.  If drying winds accompany the high temperature readings, pollination may be prevented.  However cooler weather will bring a return of fruiting.  When fall arrives, eggplants slow their growth, and fruits do not develop.

The best time to harvest eggplant is when they are young, approximately 1/3 to 2/3 of their mature size.  If you press lightly on the side of the fruit with your thumb, the flesh should readily spring back.  If it does not, the fruit is too mature.  Another indicator of maturity is the skin color.  Fruit which is still optimal will have a high gloss, but over-mature fruit may look dull, with possible bronzing.

When selecting varieties to grow, choose those which have disease resistance.  Some of the diseases which are problems in tomatoes can also attack eggplants, such as verticillium wilt.  Be sure to rotate your crops each year, and this will lessen the likelihood of disease.

Insect pests can be a problem, especially flea beetles.  These are small, black beetles, about 1/16 inch long.  They feed on the leaves, making many small holes.  In severe cases, they can actually destroy the plant.  Even if your eggplant survives, they can still stunt the plant and reduce yields.  If flea beetles are a problem, you will need to maintain a regular spray schedule in order to harvest a crop.

As a final thought, remember that these plants are normally vigorous growers, producing large fruits.  This means that they will need plenty of moisture, especially on sandy soils.  During the hot weather that makes them thrive, be sure to give them regular water.  You'll soon be giving eggplant to your neighbors.

Tim Baker, Northwest Region Horticulture Specialist, University of Missouri Extension

University of Missouri Extension programs are open to all


Would You Elect Watson for President?

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"The time is coming when AIs will have better judgment than most politicians."
—Joshua Davis

Imagine that you were given two choices for the next president. The first choice is a person from a different political party with a set of policies or beliefs that you strongly disagree with. The second choice is an AI designed by a party with the sole purpose of achieving the policies you like. Which would you choose?

Computer scientists are now designing AI-based systems that are able to outperform humans in a wider and wider range of tasks.

Eventually, says Joshua Davis at WIRED, AIs will also prove themselves superior when it comes to human governance.

This idea may sound a little too sci-fi for many right now, but "the time is coming," he says. We spoke to him recently on our podcast (see Man vs. Machine – Who Will Govern Us Better?) about this radical idea, what it might look like to have an AI as President of the United States, and whether this is even possible from a constitutional standpoint.

Humans Are Not Good at Governing

First, it wasn’t the current political climate that spurred Davis to raise this idea, he noted. Rather, it came from examining the nature of our current political system in relation to how AI is evolving.

“We vote for people, more often than not, based on the way they look, their hairstyle, or the way they talk,” Davis said. “These are not really at the heart of the issues.”

To Davis, human personality—particularly our tendency to be drawn into scandals—has gotten in the way of governance. History, he says, shows that we’re not very good at governing ourselves.

At the heart of Davis’ argument is the fact that artificial intelligence has been outperforming humans at specific tasks for a long time. For example, in 1996 the program Deep Blue beat then-world-champion Garry Kasparov at chess. More recently, AI created by Google beat the world’s leading Go players.

Go is considered by many to be even more complex than chess, and many top Go players were astounded with how quickly the program was able to master the game and win 60 games in a row.

“It was doubly remarkable because of the way that it won,” Davis said. “It won by doing things that Go players had never seen before. It won by innovating. It won by creative, strategic thinking.”

These traits typically were thought to be possessed only by humans. But they’re exactly the traits we also want in a political leader.

The Road to POTUS AI

Over the course of the evolution of artificial intelligence, we’ve seen the model for developing an AI change. The first attempts involved feeding answers to questions into a system.

More recent approaches employ what is called deep learning or neural networks, where AI processes a data set and draws conclusions for a given problem, Davis noted.

Using this approach, we’re seeing applications that are increasingly impressive. For example, a group of researchers used a neural network to identify skin cancer by submitting thousands of images of skin cancers to the program.

“The AI was better at identifying skin cancers than a group of doctors who had spent their entire careers training to identify cancer,” Davis said.

This isn’t to suggest that we’ll see an AI candidate in the next election cycle, however.

“We’re obviously not there yet,” Davis said.

“A Purer Form of Democracy”

With AI sophistication growing rapidly, the reality is, it’s increasingly possible to feed any kind of information into a system to optimize whatever process or field in consideration.

When it comes to running a country, “the question is, would an AI do better than a human?” asked Davis. “Humans are far from flawless. … To me, there’s a lot about humanity that causes problems when it comes to governance.”

He would like to see politicians make decisions based on the greater good, especially one with the added benefit of being scandal-free.

“In some ways, it could be a purer form of democracy,” Davis said.

One possibility is each party develops their own AI which people elect to track progress on issues of their choosing. Another possibility is that political parties fade altogether and, instead, the presidency might become a policy platform, with the sum total of majority votes dictating what policies the AI president choses to implement.

The Question of Constitutionality

Some may object that this future scenario is implausible since it would not pass the US Constitution's elibility requirements for a US president.

Certainly, technology-embracing countries outside of the US could decide to do this or Constitutional ammendments could be made but, as it currently stands, the three requirements for US President are that they must be at least 35 years of age, they must have been a US resident for fourteen years, and, thirdly, they must be a natural born citizen.

The Framers likely never imagined a machine taking this role but if such a system were "Made (or born) in the USA" and been in use for at least 35 years (residency doesn't necessarily apply in this case), then, by all means, it seems that there's no constitutional reason why we couldn't elect an AI as president.

Furthermore, as faith in AI over humans becomes more prominent, especially among tech-loving Millennials, this may actually be driven from the bottom-up as voters increasingly make Watson their write-in candidate.

Consider Watson for President:

The Watson 2016 Foundation is an independent organization formed for the advocacy of the artificial intelligence known as Watson to run for President of The United States of America. It is our belief that Watson’s unique capabilities to assess information and make informed and transparent decisions define it as an ideal candidate for the job responsibilities required by the president.

Watson is a system of computer software processes used for answering questions posed in natural language, initially developed by IBM for the quiz show Jeopardy! Watson compiles information from a variety of sources into multiple terabytes of data used as reference for generating responses. The more information Watson is able to consume, the more informed its decision making capabilities become. It's also capable of accepting information from any resource, allowing the possibility to analyze different perspectives and political agendas on a particular subject.

Watson marks a shift in machine learning in that it was designed to compete against humans using natural language processing in both accuracy of answer as well as speed. It must understand a question, use the key information elements in the question to analyze an immense wealth of data, and derive the top candidates for answers. This is a task all politicians undergo on a daily basis, including the president, and could be more suitably and efficiently executed by an artificial intelligence.

Listen to our daily interviews with leading guest experts by clicking here.

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ACTIVE Project

Sign up to the A.C.T.I.V.E. project and access six sessions for £1 per session (one session per week). Complete the attached registration form and take it to your nearest participating Tempus Leisure facility.

Dragon Leisure Centre - Bodmin

  • Core and Stretch - Monday - 10.30am - 11.30am
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Aerial Fitness

Japanese martial art, Aikido, is based on spherical movements where an attacker's force is used against them. The main techniques are joint immobilisations and throws using the opponents momentum.

American Football

American Football is a competitive team sport known for combining strategy with physical play. The objective of the game is to score points by advancing the ball into the opposing team's end zone.

The ball can be advanced by carrying it (a running play) or by throwing it to a team-mate (a [...]

American Square Dancing

Square Dancing is folk orientated and involves four couples (eight dancers) arranged in a square with one couple on each side, facing the middle of the square. The dance was first described in 17th century England but was also quite common in France and throughout Europe and bears a marked similarity [...]

Angling is a principal method of sport fishing where catch and release is increasingly practiced by recreational fishermen. Size limits apply to certain species, meaning fish below and/or above a certain size must, by law, be released.

Fishing seasons are set by localities to indicate what kinds of fish may be caught [...]

Aqua Zumba

Aquathons are a continuous two staged race involving swimming and running. They are similar to triathlons with the key difference being the lack of a cycle leg, and have been around in various forms since the early 20th century in ocean lifeguard competitions. The modern international standard lifeguard distance is 400m run, [...]

Historically, archery has been used for hunting and combat, while in modern times, its main use is that of a recreational activity. Competitive archery involves shooting arrows at a target for accuracy from a set distance or distances. This is the most popular form of competitive archery worldwide and is [...]

Arm Wrestling

Various factors can play a part in success during an arm wrestling match. Technique and overall arm strength are the two greatest contributing factors alongside arm length, muscle and arm mass/density, hand grip size, wrist endurance and flexibility, and reaction time.

In competitive arm wrestling, both contestants stand with their arms placed on [...]

Artistic Skating (roller)

Artistic roller skaters wear boots with wheels instead of blades, but skating disciplines are very similar to those found in ice-skating, which include; figure skating, freestyle (individuals performing jumps and spins), pairs (two people performing jumps, spins, and lifts), dance couples, solo dances, and team skating (similar to synchronized skating [...]

Athletics is an exclusive collection of sporting events that involve competitive running, jumping, throwing, and walking. The most common types of athletics competitions are track and field, road running, cross country running, and race walking. The simplicity of the competitions, and the lack of a need for expensive equipment, makes [...]

Australian Rules Football

Australian rules football, also known as Australian football or Aussie rules, is played between two teams of 18 players on the field on either a football ground, a modified cricket field or similar sized sports venue. The game's objective is to move the ball downfield and kick the ball through the [...]

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The Software Freedom Law Center (SFLC) announced that it has filed the first ever U.S. copyright infringement lawsuit based on a violation of the GNU General Public License (GPL) on behalf of its clients, two principal developers of BusyBox, against Monsoon Multimedia, Inc. BusyBox is a lightweight set of standard Unix utilities commonly used in embedded systems and is open source software licensed under GPL version 2.

One of the conditions of the GPL is that re-distributors of BusyBox are required to ensure that each downstream recipient is provided access to the source code of the program. On the company's own Web site, Monsoon Multimedia has publicly acknowledged that its products and firmware contain BusyBox. However, it has not provided any recipients with access to the underlying source code, as is required by the GPL.

"We licensed BusyBox under the GPL to give users the freedom to access and modify its source code," said Erik Andersen, a developer of BusyBox and a named plaintiff in the lawsuit filed yesterday in Manhattan Federal District Court. "If companies will not abide by the fair terms of our license, then we have no choice but to ask our attorneys to go to court to force them to do so."

The complaint filed by SFLC on behalf of the BusyBox developers requests that an injunction be issued against Monsoon Media. It also requests that damages and litigation costs be awarded to the plaintiffs. A copy of the complaint is available here.

"Free software licenses such as the GPL exist to protect the freedom of computer users. If we don't ensure that these licenses are respected, then they will not be able to achieve their goal," said Eben Moglen, Founding Director of SFLC. "Our goal is simply to ensure that Monsoon Multimedia complies with the terms of the GPL."

The lawsuit, "Erik Andersen and Rob Landley v. Monsoon Multimedia Inc.," case number 07-CV-8205, will be heard by Senior District Judge John E. Sprizzo of the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York.


Tomandy Gallery Shop

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Jeff Hall, Sculpture

Jeff Hall, sculptor

Jeff's ceramic sculpture has been shown internationally and his architectural sculpture adorns government buildings, churches and estates in and around the Washington D.C. area, as well as the east coast, including two commissions for the US capitol building, the Marin Corp administration building, the Turkish Embassy and the Washington National Cathedral, Washington DC.

"I enjoy using the figure to examine greater things than our selves. My interest in time is evident in most all of my own work. Time figures into a deep and inexhaustible wealth of ideas relating to the earth, the universe and the cultures of man. I focus on monumental and god like figures that are not bound by the laws of physics. Eliminate gravity and anything is possible. A strong pose represents humanity at its best. While the human body itself is beautiful, the mind affects body language, where beauty and inner strengths can be realized. The figure is more than just a body in motion, it is also a mind at work. I generally don’t concern myself with scale relationships within a sculptural piece.  In that respect the image becomes a little surreal."


Where Did the Road Go?

Find Wren at https://liminalroom.com/

Find Adam at http://conspirinormal.podomatic.com/

Find Red Pill on Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/redpilljunkie/

WDTRGPart 1 of 2 of a conversation with Greg Bishop and Jeff Ritzmann about how people lose their way studying fringe topics. We also get into Jeff's work on UFO photos, and much more...

Jeff can be found at http://numinousden.blogspot.com/

Greg can be found at http://radiomisterioso.com/

The outro music is from David Wirsig, from his Teachers Choice EP, a song entitled Dave's Ghost.

StrangeFamiliarsFor episode 13 we talk with Jim Pyre. Jim is a Strange Familiars listener and he reached out to us with some of his experiences with the strange and paranormal. We talked about will-o-the-wisps, the fae folk, grassman, hatman and more – including some thoughts about what may be behind some of these phenomena.

We’ll be featuring listener stories on occasion and we would like to do compilation shows featuring multiple listeners – so even if you just have a short encounter, we would love to hear from you.

Episode 13 notes and links:

You can find Jim‘s blog at http://www.JimPyre.com

Michael Andersonhttps://drekka.bandcamp.com

instagram: @strangefamiliars

Intro and background music by Stone Breath – which is our band. You can find more at http://stonebreath.bandcamp.com

The song which closes the episode is My Offering from the forthcoming Stone Breath album, Witch Tree Prophetshttps://stonebreath.bandcamp.com/album/witch-tree-prophets

945210CBB0EB8C343AB2CF7019D64FBD525810725E0353E7C1pimgpsh fullsize distrSo this show is in response to a short bit Peter Benard recorded after listening to our June 9th Show on Fiction and the Paranormal. Although he misquoted me a couple of times, overall his points were excellent, so this show is in response to his response. We clear up what he seems to have misunderstood, in case anyone else did as well, and then build off of the points he made. Overall, this show is about how to stay sane, and not get caught up in the beliefs these things create.

You can hear Peter's Bit Below, if you want to listen to that first. It is not necessary, but it will give you a better idea of where we are coming from as we go into this.

And here is the email Peter send us;

"I have a lot of respect for the older episodes of "Where Did The Road Go" but I think Seriah has become too involved with certain other people who are unconsciously intent on creating a new religion of Forteanism in which the majority of logical thought is labeled heresy.

I recorded thsi for PQ Ribber's show, but I don't know when he's going to upload it. My long-winded commentary, interrupted by me taking a picture of a robin and avoiding crazy(er) people.
It's reached the point where Seriah recently expressed GUILT about listening to fiction about horror and wondered openly if horror fiction POLLUTES THE EVIDENCE POOL of paranormal research.

"Pollutes the evidence pool" is to Forteans in 2017 what "Trump and Russia" is to MSNBC and CNN in 2017. It excites the cult members while making everyone else see you as completely batshit crazy.

Keel told me to NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS STUFF. Once you start believing anything, then YOU WILL GO INSANE.

Hence, my attraction to Andy Kaufman-style pranking, like Mullah Nasrudin, Robert Anton Wilson, and other heretics before me. To drive you SANE. If pranks make you ANGRY instead of making you LAUGH, then YOU are the one who most needs to be pranked. Pranksters pull pranks TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU BETTER STOP BELIEVING IN SHIT for the sake of your own sanity. If you're wondering if it's heretical to listen to FICTION, then you need to take a break and go listen to ANYTHING else for a while. Take a break. Watch a comedy. Go see a band play, man. Don't make up random fortean rules based on the limited thinking of the people who collect Bigfoot or UFO paraphernalia then beat yourself for sinning against these arbitrary and weird rules.

cough cough Blink 182 cough cough

If your first assumption is not ALWAYS that it was a prank, then you've become a cult member and a believer, and you have no ability to claim being involved in scientific inquiry. All of forteana is just a collection of stories. A collection of stories is not a "pool of evidence," it's FOLKLORE. Horror fiction is also essentially folklore. You ask if folklore is polluting folklore! That's not logical thought. Anyone who has read RAW knows that's only ghost words based on dogma instead of the reality(ies) in front of your nose.

You guys fret about how to be taken more seriously by people outside your little circle. If you ACTUALLY want to understand that, listening to my audio would be a good place to start. Or you can get angry at me for liking and respecting you enough to spill my guts for you. My next appearance in Boston I'm being lumped in with a Simpsons animator and a Grateful Dead t-shirt artist, nothing in my world is changed if you heed my words or not.

End of mansplanation"

Page 2 of 83


Looking for the Sunrise

June 1, 2008

Looking for the Sunrise

I’m not looking for the sunset,
As the swift years come and go;
I am looking for the sunrise,
And the golden morning glow,
Where the light of heaven’s glory
Will break forth upon my sight,
In the land that knows no sunset,
Nor the darkness of the night.

                                 I’m not going down the pathway
                                  Toward the setting of the sun,
                                 Where the shadows ever deepen
                                   When the day at last is done;
                                   I am walking up the hillside
                              Where the sunshine lights the way,
                                    To the glory of the sunrise
                                    Of God’s never-ending day.

                                 I’m not going down, but upward,
                                     And the path is never dim,
                                For the day grows ever brighter
                                     As I journey on with Him.
                                So my eyes are on the hilltops,
                                  Waiting for the sun to rise,
                                  Waiting for His invitation
                              To the home beyond the skies.

                               Albert Simpson Reitz, June 1953

January 28, 2008

The essence of God’s forgiveness lies in His word and in His mystery.

 Because although God sends us the message, it is our task to decipher it.

 Because when we open our arms, the earth takes in only a hollow and senseless shell.

 Far away now is the soul in its eternal glory.

 Because it is in pain that we find the meaning of life and the state of grace that we lose when we are born.

 Because God in His infinite wisdom puts the solution in our hands.

 And because it is only in His physical presence that the place He occupies in our souls is reaffirmed.

From “Pan’s Labyrinth”