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<title>SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.
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<tr><td class="play" align="center">Twelfth Night
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| <A href="/Shakespeare/twelfth_night/">Twelfth Night</A>
| Act 2, Scene 3
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<H3>SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.</h3>
<p><blockquote>
<i>Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW</i>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech1><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=1>Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after</A><br>
<A NAME=2>midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo</A><br>
<A NAME=3>surgere,' thou know'st,--</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech2><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=4>Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up</A><br>
<A NAME=5>late is to be up late.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech3><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=6>A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.</A><br>
<A NAME=7>To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is</A><br>
<A NAME=8>early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go</A><br>
<A NAME=9>to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the</A><br>
<A NAME=10>four elements?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech4><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=11>Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists</A><br>
<A NAME=12>of eating and drinking.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech5><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=13>Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.</A><br>
<A NAME=14>Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!</A><br>
<p><i>Enter Clown</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech6><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=15>Here comes the fool, i' faith.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech7><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=16>How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture</A><br>
<A NAME=17>of 'we three'?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech8><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=18>Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech9><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=19>By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I</A><br>
<A NAME=20>had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,</A><br>
<A NAME=21>and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In</A><br>
<A NAME=22>sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last</A><br>
<A NAME=23>night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the</A><br>
<A NAME=24>Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas</A><br>
<A NAME=25>very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy</A><br>
<A NAME=26>leman: hadst it?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech10><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=27>I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose</A><br>
<A NAME=28>is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the</A><br>
<A NAME=29>Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech11><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=30>Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all</A><br>
<A NAME=31>is done. Now, a song.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech12><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=32>Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech13><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=33>There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech14><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=34>Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech15><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=35>A love-song, a love-song.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech16><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=36>Ay, ay: I care not for good life.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech17><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=37>[Sings]</A><br>
<A NAME=38>O mistress mine, where are you roaming?</A><br>
<A NAME=39>O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,</A><br>
<A NAME=40>That can sing both high and low:</A><br>
<A NAME=41>Trip no further, pretty sweeting;</A><br>
<A NAME=42>Journeys end in lovers meeting,</A><br>
<A NAME=43>Every wise man's son doth know.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech18><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=44>Excellent good, i' faith.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech19><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=45>Good, good.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech20><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=46>[Sings]</A><br>
<A NAME=47>What is love? 'tis not hereafter;</A><br>
<A NAME=48>Present mirth hath present laughter;</A><br>
<A NAME=49>What's to come is still unsure:</A><br>
<A NAME=50>In delay there lies no plenty;</A><br>
<A NAME=51>Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,</A><br>
<A NAME=52>Youth's a stuff will not endure.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech21><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=53>A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech22><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=54>A contagious breath.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech23><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=55>Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech24><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=56>To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.</A><br>
<A NAME=57>But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we</A><br>
<A NAME=58>rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three</A><br>
<A NAME=59>souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech25><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=60>An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech26><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=61>By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech27><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=62>Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech28><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=63>'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be</A><br>
<A NAME=64>constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech29><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=65>'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to</A><br>
<A NAME=66>call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech30><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=67>I shall never begin if I hold my peace.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech31><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=68>Good, i' faith. Come, begin.</A><br>
<p><i>Catch sung</i></p>
<p><i>Enter MARIA</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech32><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=69>What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady</A><br>
<A NAME=70>have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him</A><br>
<A NAME=71>turn you out of doors, never trust me.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech33><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=72>My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's</A><br>
<A NAME=73>a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not</A><br>
<A NAME=74>I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?</A><br>
<A NAME=75>Tillyvally. Lady!</A><br>
<p><i>Sings</i></p>
<A NAME=76>'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech34><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=77>Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech35><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=78>Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do</A><br>
<A NAME=79>I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it</A><br>
<A NAME=80>more natural.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech36><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=81>[Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech37><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=82>For the love o' God, peace!</A><br>
<p><i>Enter MALVOLIO</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech38><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=83>My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye</A><br>
<A NAME=84>no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like</A><br>
<A NAME=85>tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an</A><br>
<A NAME=86>alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your</A><br>
<A NAME=87>coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse</A><br>
<A NAME=88>of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor</A><br>
<A NAME=89>time in you?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech39><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=90>We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech40><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=91>Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me</A><br>
<A NAME=92>tell you, that, though she harbours you as her</A><br>
<A NAME=93>kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If</A><br>
<A NAME=94>you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you</A><br>
<A NAME=95>are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please</A><br>
<A NAME=96>you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid</A><br>
<A NAME=97>you farewell.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech41><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=98>'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech42><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=99>Nay, good Sir Toby.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech43><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=100>'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech44><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=101>Is't even so?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech45><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=102>'But I will never die.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech46><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=103>Sir Toby, there you lie.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech47><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=104>This is much credit to you.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech48><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=105>'Shall I bid him go?'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech49><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=106>'What an if you do?'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech50><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=107>'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech51><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=108>'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech52><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=109>Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a</A><br>
<A NAME=110>steward? Dost thou think, because thou art</A><br>
<A NAME=111>virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech53><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=112>Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the</A><br>
<A NAME=113>mouth too.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech54><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=114>Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with</A><br>
<A NAME=115>crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech55><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=116>Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any</A><br>
<A NAME=117>thing more than contempt, you would not give means</A><br>
<A NAME=118>for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.</A><br>
<p><i>Exit</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech56><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=119>Go shake your ears.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech57><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=120>'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's</A><br>
<A NAME=121>a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to</A><br>
<A NAME=122>break promise with him and make a fool of him.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech58><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=123>Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll</A><br>
<A NAME=124>deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech59><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=125>Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the</A><br>
<A NAME=126>youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is</A><br>
<A NAME=127>much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me</A><br>
<A NAME=128>alone with him: if I do not gull him into a</A><br>
<A NAME=129>nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not</A><br>
<A NAME=130>think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:</A><br>
<A NAME=131>I know I can do it.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech60><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=132>Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech61><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=133>Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech62><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=134>O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech63><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=135>What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,</A><br>
<A NAME=136>dear knight?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech64><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=137>I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason</A><br>
<A NAME=138>good enough.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech65><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=139>The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing</A><br>
<A NAME=140>constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,</A><br>
<A NAME=141>that cons state without book and utters it by great</A><br>
<A NAME=142>swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so</A><br>
<A NAME=143>crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is</A><br>
<A NAME=144>his grounds of faith that all that look on him love</A><br>
<A NAME=145>him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find</A><br>
<A NAME=146>notable cause to work.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech66><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=147>What wilt thou do?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech67><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=148>I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of</A><br>
<A NAME=149>love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape</A><br>
<A NAME=150>of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure</A><br>
<A NAME=151>of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find</A><br>
<A NAME=152>himself most feelingly personated. I can write very</A><br>
<A NAME=153>like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we</A><br>
<A NAME=154>can hardly make distinction of our hands.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech68><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=155>Excellent! I smell a device.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech69><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=156>I have't in my nose too.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech70><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=157>He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,</A><br>
<A NAME=158>that they come from my niece, and that she's in</A><br>
<A NAME=159>love with him.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech71><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=160>My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech72><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=161>And your horse now would make him an ass.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech73><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=162>Ass, I doubt not.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech74><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=163>O, 'twill be admirable!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech75><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=164>Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will</A><br>
<A NAME=165>work with him. I will plant you two, and let the</A><br>
<A NAME=166>fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:</A><br>
<A NAME=167>observe his construction of it. For this night, to</A><br>
<A NAME=168>bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.</A><br>
<p><i>Exit</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech76><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=169>Good night, Penthesilea.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech77><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=170>Before me, she's a good wench.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech78><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=171>She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:</A><br>
<A NAME=172>what o' that?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech79><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=173>I was adored once too.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech80><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=174>Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for</A><br>
<A NAME=175>more money.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech81><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=176>If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech82><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=177>Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'</A><br>
<A NAME=178>the end, call me cut.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech83><b>SIR ANDREW</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=179>If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech84><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=180>Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late</A><br>
<A NAME=181>to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.</A><br>
<p><i>Exeunt</i></p>
</blockquote>
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