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<title>SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
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<tr><td class="play" align="center">Twelfth Night
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| <A href="/Shakespeare/twelfth_night/">Twelfth Night</A>
| Act 4, Scene 2
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<H3>SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.</h3>
<p><blockquote>
<i>Enter MARIA and Clown</i>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech1><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=1>Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;</A><br>
<A NAME=2>make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do</A><br>
<A NAME=3>it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.</A><br>
<p><i>Exit</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech2><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=4>Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself</A><br>
<A NAME=5>in't; and I would I were the first that ever</A><br>
<A NAME=6>dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to</A><br>
<A NAME=7>become the function well, nor lean enough to be</A><br>
<A NAME=8>thought a good student; but to be said an honest man</A><br>
<A NAME=9>and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a</A><br>
<A NAME=10>careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.</A><br>
<p><i>Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech3><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=11>Jove bless thee, master Parson.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech4><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=12>Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of</A><br>
<A NAME=13>Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily</A><br>
<A NAME=14>said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'</A><br>
<A NAME=15>so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,</A><br>
<A NAME=16>what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech5><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=17>To him, Sir Topas.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech6><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=18>What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech7><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=19>The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech8><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=20>[Within] Who calls there?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech9><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=21>Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio</A><br>
<A NAME=22>the lunatic.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech10><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=23>Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech11><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=24>Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!</A><br>
<A NAME=25>talkest thou nothing but of ladies?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech12><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=26>Well said, Master Parson.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech13><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=27>Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir</A><br>
<A NAME=28>Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me</A><br>
<A NAME=29>here in hideous darkness.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech14><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=30>Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most</A><br>
<A NAME=31>modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones</A><br>
<A NAME=32>that will use the devil himself with courtesy:</A><br>
<A NAME=33>sayest thou that house is dark?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech15><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=34>As hell, Sir Topas.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech16><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=35>Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,</A><br>
<A NAME=36>and the clearstores toward the south north are as</A><br>
<A NAME=37>lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of</A><br>
<A NAME=38>obstruction?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech17><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=39>I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech18><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=40>Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness</A><br>
<A NAME=41>but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than</A><br>
<A NAME=42>the Egyptians in their fog.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech19><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=43>I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though</A><br>
<A NAME=44>ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there</A><br>
<A NAME=45>was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you</A><br>
<A NAME=46>are: make the trial of it in any constant question.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech20><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=47>What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech21><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=48>That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech22><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=49>What thinkest thou of his opinion?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech23><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=50>I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech24><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=51>Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:</A><br>
<A NAME=52>thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will</A><br>
<A NAME=53>allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest</A><br>
<A NAME=54>thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech25><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=55>Sir Topas, Sir Topas!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech26><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=56>My most exquisite Sir Topas!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech27><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=57>Nay, I am for all waters.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech28><b>MARIA</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=58>Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and</A><br>
<A NAME=59>gown: he sees thee not.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech29><b>SIR TOBY BELCH</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=60>To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how</A><br>
<A NAME=61>thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this</A><br>
<A NAME=62>knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I</A><br>
<A NAME=63>would he were, for I am now so far in offence with</A><br>
<A NAME=64>my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this</A><br>
<A NAME=65>sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.</A><br>
<p><i>Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA</i></p>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech30><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=66>[Singing]</A><br>
<A NAME=67>'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,</A><br>
<A NAME=68>Tell me how thy lady does.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech31><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=69>Fool!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech32><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=70>'My lady is unkind, perdy.'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech33><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=71>Fool!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech34><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=72>'Alas, why is she so?'</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech35><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=73>Fool, I say!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech36><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=74>'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech37><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=75>Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my</A><br>
<A NAME=76>hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:</A><br>
<A NAME=77>as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to</A><br>
<A NAME=78>thee for't.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech38><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=79>Master Malvolio?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech39><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=80>Ay, good fool.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech40><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=81>Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech41><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=82>Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I</A><br>
<A NAME=83>am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech42><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=84>But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no</A><br>
<A NAME=85>better in your wits than a fool.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech43><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=86>They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,</A><br>
<A NAME=87>send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to</A><br>
<A NAME=88>face me out of my wits.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech44><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=89>Advise you what you say; the minister is here.</A><br>
<A NAME=90>Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!</A><br>
<A NAME=91>endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain</A><br>
<A NAME=92>bibble babble.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech45><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=93>Sir Topas!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech46><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=94>Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,</A><br>
<A NAME=95>sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.</A><br>
<A NAME=96>Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech47><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=97>Fool, fool, fool, I say!</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech48><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=98>Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am</A><br>
<A NAME=99>shent for speaking to you.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech49><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=100>Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I</A><br>
<A NAME=101>tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech50><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=102>Well-a-day that you were, sir</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech51><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=103>By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and</A><br>
<A NAME=104>light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:</A><br>
<A NAME=105>it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing</A><br>
<A NAME=106>of letter did.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech52><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=107>I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you</A><br>
<A NAME=108>not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech53><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=109>Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech54><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=110>Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his</A><br>
<A NAME=111>brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech55><b>MALVOLIO</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=112>Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I</A><br>
<A NAME=113>prithee, be gone.</A><br>
</blockquote>
<A NAME=speech56><b>Clown</b></a>
<blockquote>
<A NAME=114>[Singing]</A><br>
<A NAME=115>I am gone, sir,</A><br>
<A NAME=116>And anon, sir,</A><br>
<A NAME=117>I'll be with you again,</A><br>
<A NAME=118>In a trice,</A><br>
<A NAME=119>Like to the old Vice,</A><br>
<A NAME=120>Your need to sustain;</A><br>
<A NAME=121>Who, with dagger of lath,</A><br>
<A NAME=122>In his rage and his wrath,</A><br>
<A NAME=123>Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:</A><br>
<A NAME=124>Like a mad lad,</A><br>
<A NAME=125>Pare thy nails, dad;</A><br>
<A NAME=126>Adieu, good man devil.</A><br>
<p><i>Exit</i></p>
</blockquote>
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