jokes.csv

joke|label
What's the difference between a Jew in Nazi Germany and pizza? The p is silent.|humorous
Why is it unknown how pterodactyls urinate, especially during flight?|humorous
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You follow his fresh prints.|humorous
Remember, you can't spell Valentine's Day without Anal Destiny.|humorous
Happy try not to jump off a bridge day!|humorous
My dad has a heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.|humorous
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork. But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane.|humorous
I wanted to buy an Audi. But I can't A4'd it.|humorous
What are minorities? Lesser people.|humorous
Did you hear that Donald Trump is technically a plant? Because all of his cells have built a wall.|humorous
What is the king of all school supplies? The Ruler.|humorous
Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film? Because interest in the Bond is so low.|humorous
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl? You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.|humorous
Why did the computer squeak? Someone stepped on its mouse.|humorous
There are two types of people: The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall.|humorous
I feel so bad for the necrophiliac's sister. She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one.|humorous
What's the difference between you and a Calendar? A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day.|humorous
I hear the Mexicans are planning an attack on America. Don't worry, we have our Trump card.|humorous
What are the two most common names of Mexican fire-fighter? José and Hose B.|humorous
Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme. I give you, 'The Lamb That Thyme Forgot'|humorous
Roses are red. Cacti are thorny. I just can't help that. You make me horny.|humorous
These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me. It's all just flake news.|humorous
What does a woman say after having 3 orgasms in a row? Yeah, I figured you wouldn't know.|humorous
What part of the house got busted for drugs? The attic.|humorous
Manager: So do you think you'd be a good waiter? Me: Well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.|humorous
An optometrist asks a woman out on a date. I have a couple of ideas: 1: Dinner 2: Movies. 1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?|humorous
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender sighs and says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything!'|humorous
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian.|humorous
Scientists have been trying to talk to dolphins for years. One day it just clicked.|humorous
What's long and hard and full of semen? A Submarine.|humorous
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his/her door? He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize.|humorous
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.|humorous
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.|humorous
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.|humorous
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.|humorous
Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.|humorous
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.|humorous
My dog can do magic tricks. It's a labracadabrador.|humorous
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.|humorous
I would tell a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.|humorous
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.|humorous
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.|humorous
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.|humorous
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.|humorous
I have a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.|humorous
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.|humorous
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.|humorous
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.|humorous
I'm reading a book on the history of glue – can't put it down.|humorous
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.|humorous
Why don’t we tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.|humorous
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.|humorous
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.|humorous
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.|humorous
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.|humorous
I have a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.|humorous
I would tell a joke about a bed, but it hasn't been made up yet.|humorous
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.|humorous
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.|humorous
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.|humorous
Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field.|humorous
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.|humorous
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.|humorous
Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg'? Because every play has a cast.|humorous
Yesterday, I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, 'What’s the word on the street?'|humorous
How do you organize a space party? You planet.|humorous
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.|humorous
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.|humorous
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.|humorous
I would tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.|humorous
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.|humorous
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!|humorous
Why don't we write jokes about pizza? They’re too cheesy.|humorous
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.|humorous
What did one wall say to the other wall? 'I’ll meet you at the corner.'|humorous
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.|humorous
Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants!|humorous
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.|humorous
I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.|humorous
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.|humorous
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.|humorous
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.|humorous
I would tell a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.|humorous
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.|humorous
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.|humorous
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.|humorous
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.|humorous
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.|humorous