Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl―A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship

Review “A self-help classic.” —Daily Mail “America’s top relationship guide.” —The Book Tribe “One of ‘The 10 Most Iconic Relationship Books of the Past Ten Years." —Yahoo! “Men don’t really go for ‘nice.’ They go for ‘interesting.’” —Chicago Sun-Times “We’re talking about having so much self-respect, Aretha Franklin would high-five you.” —Los Angeles Times “The pejorative meaning of the word ‘bitch’ has been reclaimed... it means a strong, feisty woman who has moxie, and knows when to use it. A bitch is... sap free.” —Pursuit Magazine “[Argov is] talking about a strong woman. Someone who knows what she’s doing in life. Someone who will share the load, but who will stand her ground.” —Joy Behar, Co-host of The View “Sherry Argov shows women how to transform a casual relationship into a committed one.” —The Today Show “The Best of Culture.” —Esquire “A hot book!” —Fox News Channel “A must-read at Sunday brunch.” —New York Daily News “ Why Men Love Bitches flew off the shelves.... Men thrive with women who can set boundaries and who push back when they try to cross the line.” —Cosmopolitan “An anti-whining manifesto that encourages women who feel like doormats to develop a sense of independence.” —Playboy “Ultimately Sherry Argov’s message boils down to one of confidence and self respect, which, let’s face it...it’s the only sane way to go. In short...stay for the sage advice.” —Glo MSN “I highly recommend this book for every strong young woman entering college.” — Society19 “This book is my Bible.” — Her Campus From the Author Visit my website at sherryargov.com Follow me on twitter sherryargov@twitter From the Back Cover One of "The 10 Most Iconic Relationship Books of the Past Ten Years." --Yahoo! About the Author SHERRY ARGOV is the author of Why Men Love Bitches , and Why Men Marry Bitches. Her writing has appeared in countless magazines including People, Vanity Fair, US Weekly, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Elle,  Maxim, and Esquire . Her work has been featured nationally on The Today Show, The View, MSNBC, Fox News Channel, and MTV .  Her first book Why Men Love Bitches was named one of the "Ten Most Iconic Relationship Books of the Past Ten Years" by Yahoo , and "America's Top Relationship Book" by Book Tribe. A first-class theater production abroad, her first-class theater play has topped Billboard charts for seven consecutive years, and has received critical acclaim. Her work is currently published throughout the world in over thirty languages. For more information, visit the author's website at sherryargov.com . Read more

Thyroid Eye Disease: Understanding Graves' Ophthalmopathy

About the Author Elaine Moore is a Medical Technologist, MT (ASCP), with more than 30 years experience working in hospital laboratories. The mother of two grown children, Elaine, her husband Rick, and their three boxers live in the mountains of Colorado. She is also the author of Graves\' Disease, A Practical Guide; Autoimmune Diseases & Their Environmental Triggers; and Encyclopedia of Alzheimer\'s Disease. Visit Elaine at her website at http://daisyelaine_co.tripod.com/gravesdisease/

Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal with, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable

About the Author Dr. Lillian Glass , a world-renown, well-respected body language expert and foremost authority in the field of communication, is known as "The First Lady of Communication." A media personality, Dr. Glass is a regular commentator for the Nancy Grace show, body language expert on Swift Justice, Dancing With the Stars, Entertainment Tonight, and The Insider , and is seen throughout the media. She has a regular monthly body language column in Cosmopolitan magazine and writes a body language blog for Psychology Today as well as her own popular blog about newsmakers, "Dr. Lillian Glass Body Language Blog." Dr. Glass has used her skills as expert witness for both state and federal cases in the area of vocal forensics and behavioral analysis. She has written more than a dozen books, including the bestsellers Toxic People™; He Says, She Says ; and a body language book I Know What You're Thinking . In her private practice in Beverly Hills, she has helped countless clients, including celebrities, politicians, and world leaders. For more information about Dr. Glass and her services, go to www.drlillianglass.com .

Snow (I Can Read It All By Myself)

From the Inside Flap Illus. in color. "Joyful verse relates the many ways to enjoy snow. First graders will love it."-- Chicago Tribune. From the Back Cover Illus. in color. "Joyful verse relates the many ways to enjoy snow. First graders will love it."--"Chicago Tribune. About the Author P. D. Eastman was an author-illustrator who created many children’s books, including Are You My Mother? , Go, Dog. Go! , and The Best Nest . Trained at the National Academy of Design, he enlisted in the army in 1943 and was assigned to the Signal Corps Film Unit—which was headed by Theodor Geisel, who would eventually become known to the world as Dr. Seuss. After Geisel later approached him to write for his new Beginner Book series at Random House, Eastman published his first book, Sam and the Firefly . Since then, Random House has sold more than 30 million books by P. D. Eastman, and he has become one of the most beloved children’s book authors in the world. Read more

Crochet With Heart: Best-Loved Afghans

Harmony Guides Basic Crochet Stitches by Interweave Press,2008] (Paperback)

Queen in 3D [Lingua inglese]: A Photographic Biography

Review [Queen in 3-D] captures the thrilling history of [Queen] with over 300 previously unseen stereoscopic photographs. (Stereoscopic, or 3-D, photography re-creates the illusion of depth by utilizing the binocularity of our vision.) The impressive book includes his own reflective narrative (May didn't need a ghostwriter), and comes with an OWL 3-D viewer, which brings out the full effect of these images. The cover photo, and many of the images within, focuses on Queen s iconic lead singer, Freddie Mercury, who died in 1991 after battling AIDS. Mercury s vocals sometimes operatic (Queen s mix of rock and opera is groundbreaking), other times roaring with rock fury and his theatrical stage persona made him one of music s most beloved frontmen. --Newsweek A unique collection of images that no other rock band is likely to have. --Stereo World "May, whose perspective from inside of Queen is expanded on in his new memoir (augmented by stereoscopic photography) Queen in 3D, brings out unsung sides of Mercury, especially as a composer and arranger of hard rock. --Mojo About the Author Brian May , founder, member, songwriter and guitarist with the rock band Queen, and co-creator of the internationally successful rock theatrical, We Will Rock You, is also a Doctor of Astrophysics, a leading campaigner for animal rights, and a lifelong 3-D photography enthusiast. Most recently, he has become a successful publisher, dedicated to sharing his vast collection of Victorian stereo photographs with the world through the books released by the London Stereoscopic Company (a fond recreation of the highly successful company of the same name founded in 1854). Brian currently tours with Queen for much of the year with Adam Lambert as lead vocalist, as well as composing, recording and performing in collaboration with West End star Kerry Ellis, an original luminary of the cast of We Will Rock You. His many other recent projects include working on 3-D 360-degree virtual reality movies, and the much-anticipated biopic of Freddie Mercury, which commences filming in September this year. Brian lives in London with his wife, his partner for over thirty years, actress Anita Dobson.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull

About the Author Richard Bach, a former USAF pilot, gypsy barnstormer, and airplane mechanic, is the author of fifteen books. This, his fourth book, spent two years on the New York Times bestseller list and has continued to inspire millions for decades. His website is RichardBach.com.Russell Munson began photographing airplanes as a young boy in Denver, Colorado. Photography and flying have been his passions ever since. He is the author and photographer of the book Skyward: Why Fliers Fly and authored and produced the DVD Flying Route 66. He photographs from his Piper Super Cub. His website is RussellMunson.com.

Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship

Review "Dr. Turndorf has relationships figured out. If you want a great relationship, you must follow her ten-step method for lasting love."— Jack Canfield, multiple New York Times best-selling author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series and contributor to The Secret, with more than 500 million books in print"If anger and fighting are ruining your dream of a happy marriage (or relationship), Dr. Turndorf’s conflict-resolution program is for you."— John Gray, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus"This well-researched book offers a thorough, step-by-step program that provides tools for couples to heal even the most troubled relationships."— Dr. John Mack, Pulitzer Prize–winning author and former professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School"This book is mandatory reading for every couple that wants to build lasting love."— John Bradshaw,author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Homecoming About the Author Known to millions as "Dr. Love," Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., has been seen on numerous TV shows and is the "go-to" relationship expert on CNN, CBS, FOX, VH1, WebMD, and MSNBC. She has been delighting audiences for three decades with her engaging blend of professional expertise and humor, and her remarkable ability to translate clinical psychobabble into easy-to-understand concepts that transform lives. Her conflict-resolution and communication methods help people turn clashes with spouses, partners, family members, or friends into deeper connections.Website: AskDrLove.com

It's all about L.O.V.E.: Michael Jackson stories you were never meant to read

Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad-and Surprising Good-About Feeling Special

Review “A fresh approach to the way we regard one of psychology’s most complex conditions. In a book that’s persuasive, insightful, and never dry, Dr. Malkin offers the right mix of analysis and advice and presents compelling, ground-breaking evidence that narcissism is necessary―in the right doses, of course.” — Peggy Drexler, PhD, Assistant Professor, Weill Cornell Medical College, author of Raising Boys Without Men and Our Fathers, Ourselves “This is an enthralling book. It takes the clichés of narcissism and unpacks them to help us understand and accept our human need to feel special while also coping with the dangers of self-absorption. It will become a classic.” — Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships “... a book that will have readers rethinking themselves and, paradoxically, those around them.” — Publishers Weekly “This is a true gem on the subject of narcissism.” — Library Journal “[Dr. Malkin’s] reassuring tone and plethora of case histories offer considered advice and generous encouragement.” — Kirkus Reviews “A gripping and sometimes terrifying book that will make you look anew at your spouse, your parents, your children, your friends, your enemies, your fellow workers and - perhaps most pertinently - your reflection in the mirror.” — The Daily Mail (UK), "Book of the Week" “Dr. Craig Malkin offers a surprising, accessible analyis of narcissism―and explains why a healthy dash of narcissism can be a good thing.” — Gretchen Rubin, bestselling author of Better Than Before and The Happiness Project “In Rethinking Narcissism , Dr. Malkin reveals the surprising good news about narcissism, exploring the complexities of narcissistic traits and deflating popular myths. Most importantly, he shows us how to develop a healthy sense of narcissism and how to manage relationships with narcissistic partners, friends, colleagues, and family.” — Dr. Drew Pinsky, author of The Mirror Effect “Certainly one of the best books I’ve read this year. Don’t be fooled by the title.. this book is for anyone trying to better understand themselves and other people.” — Todd Kashdan, PhD, author of The Upside of Your Dark Side “[A] fascinating book.” — The Independent “Among all the books that have been published on the topic in the past 10 years, Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling Special stands out as a definite must-read.” — Psych Central “Thank you, Dr. Malkin, for saying what needed to be said and clearing things up for me. For all of us.” — BookTrib “If you’re to buy just one book on narcissism, this is the one to purchase.” — Leon Seltzer, author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy “Malkin, a therapist and psychology instructor at Harvard Medical School, takes a more inspirational attitude...” — New York Times Book Review “...gives us all a coherent way of talking about a much-discussed but often over-simplified and over-dramatized subject in these ‘look at me’ times.” — Peg Streep, bestselling author of Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt “Rethinking Narcissism brings much needed compassion and clarity to one of the most vexing problems in mental health without ever resorting to false hope or naivete. In that way, the book itself is special.” — Tom Wootton, Huffington Post blogger and author of The Bipolar Advantage “The book that protects you from narcissists...Is there someone in your life who’s hurting you and you just don’t know it? In this Harvard researcher’s illuminating, reads-like-a-novel-book, he reveals how to identify and repair your relationships to live with more fulfillment.” — Oprah Book Club 2.0 “Is there a narcissist in your life? Chances are, the answer’s yes-here’s how to spot them.” — Red Magazine “Narcissists. They’re everywhere…Not according to Dr. Craig Malkin, whose new book suggests we’ve got it all wrong.” — Sunday Times Magazine (London) “If you’re only going to read one book about narcissism this is it. Eminently accessible for the lay audience and professional alike, Dr. Malkin’s penetrating insights, his superb ability to tell a good story, and his courage in disclosing elements of his own story, combine to make this remarkable book.” — Joseph Shay, PhD, Lecturer Harvard Medical School, co-author of Psychodynamic Group Psychotherapy and co-editor of Odysseys in Psychotherapy and Complex Dilemmas in Group Therapy. “...will interest anyone who is intrigued about narcissism, what it means, where it comes from... [Dr. Malkin’s] empiricist side shines through.” — New England Psychologist “Craig Malkin’s book is another step in the direction of a broad and inclusive psychological understanding of human behavior and a step away from prejudice and narrow concepts of the human mind.” — Irene Oestrich, Chefspsykolog, PhD From the Back Cover Harvard Medical School psychologist and Huffington Post blogger Craig Malkin addresses the "narcissism epidemic," by illuminating the spectrum of narcissism, identifying ways to control the trait, and explaining how too little of it may be a bad thing. "What is narcissism?" is one of the fastest rising searches on Google, and articles on the topic routinely go viral. Yet, the word "narcissist" seems to mean something different every time it's uttered. People hurl the word as insult at anyone who offends them. It's become so ubiquitous, in fact, that it's lost any clear meaning. The only certainty these days is that it's bad to be a narcissist—really bad—inspiring the same kind of roiling queasiness we feel when we hear the words sexist or racist. That's especially troubling news for millennials, the people born after 1980, who've been branded the "most narcissistic generation ever." In Rethinking Narcissism readers will learn that there's far more to narcissism than its reductive invective would imply. The truth is that we all fall on a spectrum somewhere between utter selflessness on the one side, and arrogance and grandiosity on the other. A healthy middle exhibits a strong sense of self. On the far end lies sociopathy. Malkin deconstructs healthy from unhealthy narcissism and offers clear, step-by-step guidance on how to promote healthy narcissism in our partners, our children, and ourselves. About the Author Dr. Craig Malkin is an author, clinical psychologist, and lecturer for Harvard Medical School with two decades of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. His articles, advice, and insights on relationships have appeared in newspapers and magazines such as Time , the New York Times, The Sunday Times (London), Psychology Today , and Women’s Health , as well as countless other magazines and websites. He’s also been featured multiple times on NPR, CBS Radio, and the Oprah Winfrey Network channel; appeared on various local morning shows; and been a guest on more than sixty radio stations here and abroad. Dr. Malkin is president and director of the Cambridge, Massachusetts–based YM Psychotherapy and Consultation, Inc., which provides psychotherapy and evidence-based couples workshops. He lives in Boston with his wife and twin girls. Read more

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

Review "The  authors' achievement is that they have gone beyond  the obvious avoidance patterns to uncover the more  subtle ways men and women sabotage love." -- Publisher's Weekly From the Publisher Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners. "The authors' achievement is that they have gone beyond the obvious avoidance patterns to uncover the more subtle ways men and women sabotage love." -- Publisher's Weekly From the Inside Flap Available for the first time in paperback, this  follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of  commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly  satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors  Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men  and women are torn between the desire for intimacy  and the equally intense need for independence.  Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life  scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind  of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance  for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy  with our romantic partners. From the Back Cover Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful "Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, "He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners. About the Author Steven Carter and Julia Sokol are considered to be the leading authorities on the topic of commitment fear. They appear regularly on national talk shows such as Oprah and Sally Jesse Raphael . They have also appeared on Today , Good Morning America , CBS This Morning , CNN, CNBC, and MSNBC. Carter and Sokol's work is featured in such magazines as Cosmopolitan , Glamour , New Woman , and Mademoiselle , and they periodically lecture and run workshops throughout the country. Steven Carter and Julia Sokol are considered to be the leading authorities on the topic of commitment fear. They appear regularly on national talk shows such as Oprah and Sally Jesse Raphael . They have also appeared on Today , Good Morning America , CBS This Morning , CNN, CNBC, and MSNBC. Carter and Sokol's work is featured in such magazines as Cosmopolitan , Glamour , New Woman , and Mademoiselle , and they periodically lecture and run workshops throughout the country. Read more

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

Review “Over a decade after its publication, one book on dating has people firmly in its grip.” — The New York Times "Amir Levine and Rachel Heller have written a very smart book: It is clear, easy to read and insightful. It's a valuable tool whether you are just entering a relationship with a new partner or-as in my case--even after you've been married 21 years, and had thought you knew everything about your spouse." --Scientific American "Anyone who has been plagued by that age-old question—'What is his deal ?"—could benefit from a crash course in attachment theory." --Elle "The authors have distilled years of attachment theory research on the nature of human relationships into a practical, highly readable guide." --John B. Herman, M.D., Associate Chief of Psychiatry and Distinguished Scholar of Medical Psychiatry, Massachusetts General Hospital and Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School "Based on twenty-five years of research, laced with vivid and instructive examples, and enriched with interesting and well-designed exercises, the book provides deep insights and invaluable skills that will benefit every reader." --Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, Distinguished Professor of Psychology,  University of California, Davis and Past President, International Association for Relationship Research "Chock-full of tips, questionnaires, and case studies, this is a solidly researched and intriguing approach to the perennial trials of looking for love in all the right places and improving existing relationships." --Publishers Weekly "A practical, enjoyable guide to forming rewarding romantic relationships." --Kirkus Reviews "This book is both fascinating and fun. Attached will help every reader understand whom they are attracted to as partners, why, and what they can do to reach fulfillment in love. I enjoyed every moment." --Janet Klosko, PhD., co-author of the bestselling Reinventing Your Life "A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship." --John Gray, PhD., bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are  from Venus About the Author Amir Levine, M.D. is an adult, child, and adolescent psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He graduated from the residency program at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University and for the past few years Amir has been conducting neuroscience research at Columbia under the mentorship of Nobel Prize Laureate Eric Kandel. Amir also has a passion for working with patients and it is in this context, while working with mothers and children in a therapeutic nursery, that he first discovered the power of attachment theory. His clinical work together with his deep understanding of the brain from a neuroscientist’s perspective contribute to his appreciation of attachment theory and its remarkable effectiveness in helping to heal patients. Amir lives in New York City. Rachel Heller , M.A. studied at Columbia University with some of the most prominent scholars in the field of social psychology. She now works with families and couples as a psychologist in private practice. Rachel lives in Israel. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. The New Science of Adult Attachment Decoding Relationship Behavior • Only two weeks into dating this guy and already I’m making myself miserable worrying that he doesn’t find me attractive enough and obsessing about whether or not he’s going to call! I know that once again I’ll manage to turn all my fears about not being good enough into a self-fulfilling prophecy and ruin yet another chance at a relationship! • What’s wrong with me? I’m a smart, good-looking guy with a successful career. I have a lot to offer. I’ve dated some terrific women, but inevitably, after a few weeks I lose interest and start to feel trapped. It shouldn’t be this hard to find someone I’m compatible with. • I’ve been married to my husband for years and yet feel completely alone. He was never one to discuss his emotions or talk about the relationship, but things have gone from bad to worse. He stays at work late almost every weeknight and on weekends he’s either at the golf course with friends or watching the sports channel on TV. There’s just nothing to keep us together. Maybe I’d be better off alone. Each of these problems is deeply painful, touching upon the innermost core of people’s lives. And yet no one explanation or solution fits the bill. Each case seems unique and personal; each stems from an endless number of possible root causes. Deciphering them would require a deep acquaintance with all the people involved. Past history, previous relationships, and personality type are just a few of the avenues that a therapist would need to pursue. This, at least, is what we, as clinicians in the field of mental health, were taught and believed, until we made a new discovery—one that provided a straightforward explanation for all three problems described above and many more. The story of this discovery, and what came after it, is what this book is about. IS LOVE ENOUGH? A few years ago, our close friend Tamara started dating someone new: I first noticed Greg at a cocktail party at a friend’s house. He was unbelievably good-looking, and I found the fact that I caught his eye very flattering. A few days later we went out for dinner with some other people, and I couldn’t resist the glimmer of excitement in his eyes when he looked at me. But what I found most enticing were his words and an implicit promise of togetherness that he conveyed. The promise of not being alone. He said things like “Tamara, you don’t have to be home all by yourself, you can come and work over at my place,” “You can call me any time you like.” There was comfort in these statements: The comfort of belonging to someone, of not being alone in the world. If I’d only listened carefully, I could have easily heard another message that was incongruent with this promise, a message that made it clear that Greg feared getting too close and was uncomfortable with commitment. Several times he’d mentioned that he’d never had a stable relationship—that for some reason he always grew tired of his girlfriends and felt the need to move on. Though I could identify these issues as potentially problematic, at the time I didn’t know how to correctly gauge their implications. All I had to guide me was the common belief that many of us grow up with: The belief that love conquers all. And so I let love conquer me. Nothing was more important to me than being with him. Yet at the same time the other messages persisted about his inability to commit. I shrugged them off, confident that with me, things would be different. Of course, I was wrong. As we got closer, his messages got more erratic and everything started to fall apart; he began telling me that he was too busy to meet on this night or that. Sometimes he’d claim that his entire work week looked “crazy” and would ask if we could just meet on the weekend. I’d agree, but inside I had a sinking feeling something was wrong, but what? From then on I was always anxious. I was preoccupied with his whereabouts and became hypersensitive to anything that could possibly imply that he wanted to break up. But while Greg’s behavior presented me with ample evidence of his dissatisfaction, he interspersed pushing me away with just enough affection and apologies to keep me from breaking up with him. After a while, the ups and downs started to take a toll and I could no longer control my emotions. I didn’t know how to act, and despite my better judgment, I’d avoid making plans with friends in case he called. I completely lost interest in everything else that was important to me. Before long the relationship couldn’t withstand the strain and everything soon came to a screeching halt. As friends, we were happy at first to see Tamara meet someone new that she was excited about, but as the relationship unfolded, we became increasingly concerned over her growing preoccupation with Greg. Her vitality gave way to anxiousness and insecurity. Most of the time she was either waiting for a call from Greg or too worried and preoccupied about the relationship to enjoy spending time with us as she had done in the past. It became apparent that her work was also suffering, and she expressed some concern that she may lose her job. We had always considered Tamara to be an extremely well-rounded, resilient person, and we were starting to wonder if we were mistaken about her strength. Although Tamara could point out Greg’s history of being unable to maintain a serious relationship and his unpredictability, and even acknowledged that she would probably be happier without him, she was not able to muster the strength to leave. As experienced mental-health professionals, we had a hard time accepting that a sophisticated, intelligent woman like Tamara had so derailed from her usual self. Why was such a successful woman acting in such a helpless way? Why would somebody whom we’ve known to be so adaptive to most of life’s challenges become powerless in this one? The other end of the equation was equally puzzling. Why would Greg send out such mixed messages, although it was clear, even to us, that he did love her? There were many possible complex psychological answers to these questions, but a surprisingly simple yet far-reaching insight into the situation came from an unexpected source. FROM THE THERAPEUTIC NURSERY TO A PRACTICAL SCIENCE OF ADULT LOVE At about the same time that Tamara was dating Greg, Amir was working part-time in the Therapeutic Nursery at Columbia University. Here, he used attachment-guided therapy to help mothers create a more secure bond with their children. The powerful effect that attachment-guided treatment had on the relationship between mother and child encouraged Amir to deepen his knowledge of attachment theory. This eventually led him to a fascinating discovery: as research findings first made by Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver indicated, adults show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners similar to the patterns of attachment of children with their parents. As he read more about adult attachment, Amir began to notice attachment behavior in adults all around him. He realized that this discovery could have astounding implications for everyday life. The first thing Amir did, once he realized the far-reaching implications of attachment theory for adult relationships, was to call his longtime friend Rachel. He described to her how effectively attachment theory explained the range of behaviors in adult relationships, and asked her to help him transform the academic studies and scientific data he’d been reading into practical guidelines and advice that people could use to actually change the course of their lives. And that’s how this book came to be. THE SECURE, THE ANXIOUS, AND THE AVOIDANT Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. In addition, people with each of these attachment styles differ in: • their view of intimacy and togetherness • the way they deal with conflict • their attitude toward sex• their ability to communicate their wishes and needs   • their expectations from their partner and the relationship   All people in our society, whether they have just started dating someone or have been married for forty years, fall into one of these categories, or, more rarely, into a combination of the latter two (anxious and avoidant). Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into the fourth, less common category (combination anxious and avoidant).   Adult attachment research has produced hundreds of scientific papers and dozens of books that carefully delineate the way in which adults behave in close romantic ties. These studies have confirmed, many times over, the existence of these attachment styles in adults in a wide range of countries and cultures.   Understanding attachment styles is an easy and reliable way to understand and predict people’s behavior in any romantic situation. In fact, one of the main messages of this theory is that in romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner. Where Do Attachment Styles Come From? Initially it was assumed that adult attachment styles were primarily a product of your upbringing. Thus, it was hypothesized that your current attachment style is determined by the way in which you were cared for as a baby: If your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you should have a secure attachment style; if they were inconsistently responsive, you should develop an anxious attachment style; and if they were distant, rigid, and unresponsive, you should develop an avoidant attachment style. Today, however, we know that attachment styles in adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, but other factors also come into play, including our life experiences. For more, see chapter 7. TAMARA AND GREG: A FRESH PERSPECTIVE We revisited our friend Tamara’s story, and saw it in an entirely new light now. Attachment research contained a prototype of Greg—who had an avoidant attachment style—accurate down to the last detail. It summarized how he thought, behaved, and reacted to the world. It predicted his distancing, his finding fault in Tamara, his initiating fights that set back any progress in their relationship, and his enormous difficulty in saying “I love you.” Intriguingly, the research findings explained that though he wanted to be close to her, he felt compelled to push her away—not because he wasn’t “into her” or because he thought “she’s not good enough” (as Tamara had concluded). On the contrary, he pushed her away because he felt the closeness and intimacy increasing.    As it also turned out, Tamara wasn’t unique either. The theory explained her behaviors, thoughts, and reactions, typical for someone with an anxious attachment style, with surprising precision as well. It foresaw her increasing clinginess in the face of his distancing; it predicted her inability to concentrate at work, her constant thoughts about the relationship, and her oversensitivity to everything Greg did. It also predicted that even though she decided to break up with him, she could never muster up the courage to do so. It showed why, against her better judgment and the advice of close friends, she would do almost anything to try to be close to him. Most important, this theory revealed why Tamara and Greg found it so hard to get along even though they did indeed love each other. They spoke two different languages and exacerbated each other’s natural tendencies—hers to seek physical and emotional closeness and his to prefer independence and shy away from intimacy. The accuracy with which the theory described the pair was uncanny. It was as though the researchers had been privy to the couple’s most intimate moments and personal thoughts. Psychological approaches can be somewhat vague, leaving plenty of room for interpretation, but this theory managed to provide precise, evidence-based insight into a seemingly one-of-a-kind relationship.  Although it’s not impossible for someone to change his or her attachment style—on average, one in four people do so over a four-year period—most people are unaware of the issue, so these changes happen without their ever knowing they have occurred (or why). Wouldn’t it be great, we thought, if we could help people have some measure of control over these life-altering shifts? What a difference it would make if they could consciously work toward becoming more secure in their attachment styles instead of letting life sway them every which way!  Learning about these three attachment styles was a true eye-opener for us; we discovered that adult attachment behavior was everywhere. We were able to view our own romantic behaviors and those of people around us in a fresh new light. By assigning attachment styles to patients, colleagues, and friends, we could interpret their relationships differently and gain much more clarity. Their behavior no longer seemed baffling and complex, but rather predictable under the circumstances. EVOLUTIONARY TIES Attachment theory is based on the assertion that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes. It was John Bowlby’s stroke of genius that brought him to the realization that we’ve been programmed by evolution to single out a few specific individuals in our lives and make them precious to us. We’ve been bred to be dependent on a significant other. The need starts in the womb and ends when we die. Bowlby proposed that throughout evolution, genetic selection favored people who became attached because it provided a survival advantage. In prehistoric times, people who relied only on themselves and had no one to protect them were more likely to end up as prey. More often than not, those who were with somebody who deeply cared about them survived to pass on to their offspring the preference to form intimate bonds. In fact, the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system , consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her. These reactions are coined protest behavior , and we all still exhibit them as grown-ups. In prehistoric times, being close to a partner was a matter of life and death, and our attachment system developed to treat such proximity as an absolute necessity.   Imagine hearing news of a plane crash in the Atlantic on the evening your partner is flying from New York to London. That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and the accompanying hysteria you’d feel would be your attachment system at work. Your frantic calls to the airport would be your protest behavior . An extremely important aspect of evolution is heterogeneity. Humans are a very heterogeneous species, varying greatly in appearance, attitudes, and behaviors. This accounts to a great extent for our abundance and for our ability to fit into almost any ecological niche on earth. If we were all identical, then any single environmental challenge would have the potential to wipe us all out. Our variability improves the chances that a segment of the population that is unique in some way might survive when others wouldn’t. Attachment style is no different from any other human characteristic. Although we all have a basic need to form close bonds, the way we create them varies. In a very dangerous environment, it would be less advantageous to invest time and energy in just one person because he or she would not likely be around for too long; it would make more sense to get less attached and move on (and hence, the avoidant attachment style). Another option in a harsh environment is to act in the opposite manner and be intensely persistent and hypervigilant about staying close to your attachment figure (hence, the anxious attachment style). In a more peaceful setting, the intimate bonds formed by investing greatly in a particular individual would yield greater benefits for both the individual and his or her offspring (hence, the secure attachment style).   True, in modern society, we are not hunted by predators as our ancestors were, but in evolutionary terms we’re only a fraction of a second away from the old scheme of things. Our emotional brain was handed down to us by Homo sapiens who lived in a completely different era, and it is their lifestyle and the dangers they encountered that our emotions were designed to address. Our feelings and behaviors in relationships today are not very different from those of our early ancestors. PROTEST BEHAVIOR IN THE DIGITAL AGE Armed with our new insights about the implications of attachment styles in everyday life, we started to perceive people’s actions very differently. Behaviors that we used to attribute to someone’s personality traits, or that we had previously labeled as exaggerated, could now be understood with clarity and precision through the lens of attachment. Our findings shed a new light on the difficulty Tamara experienced in letting go of a boyfriend like Greg who made her miserable. It did not necessarily come from weakness. It originated, instead, from a basic instinct to maintain contact with an attachment figure at all costs and was amplified greatly by an anxious attachment style.   For Tamara, the need to remain with Greg was triggered by the very slightest feeling of danger—danger that her lover was out of reach, unresponsive, or in trouble. Letting go in these situations would be insane in evolutionary terms. Using protest behavior, such as calling several times or trying to make him feel jealous, made perfect sense when seen in this light.   What we really liked about attachment theory was that it was formulated on the basis of the population at large. Unlike many other psychological frameworks that were created based on couples who come to therapy, this one drew its lessons from everyone—those who have happy relationships and those who don’t, those who never get treatment and those who actively seek it. It allowed us to learn not only what goes “wrong” in relationships but also what goes “right,” and it allowed us to find and highlight a whole group of people who are barely mentioned in most relationship books. What’s more, the theory does not label behaviors as healthy or unhealthy. None of the attachment styles is in itself seen as “pathological.” On the contrary, romantic behaviors that had previously been seen as odd or misguided now seemed understandable, predictable, even expected. You stay with someone although he’s not sure he loves you? Understandable. You say you want to leave and a few minutes later change your mind and decide that you desperately want to stay? Understandable too.    But are such behaviors effective or worthwhile? That’s a different story. People with a secure attachment style know how to communicate their own expectations and respond to their partner’s needs effectively without having to resort to protest behavior. For the rest of us, understanding is only the beginning. FROM THEORY TO PRACTICE—DEVELOPING SPECIFIC ATTACHMENTBASED INTERVENTIONS By understanding that people vary greatly in their need for intimacy and closeness, and that these differences create clashes, adult attachment findings offered us a new way of looking at romantic relationships. But while the research made it easy to understand romantic liaisons better, how can we make a difference in them? The theory held the promise of improving people’s intimate bonds, but its translation from the laboratory to an accessible guide—that people can apply to their own lives—didn’t exist. Believing that here lies a key to guiding people toward better relationships, we set out to learn as much as we could about the three attachment styles and the ways they interacted in everyday situations.   We started interviewing people from all walks of life. We interviewed colleagues and patients, as well as laypeople of different backgrounds and ages. We wrote summaries of the relationship histories and romantic experiences they shared with us. We conducted observations of couples in action. We assessed their attachment styles by analyzing their comments, attitudes, and behaviors and at times offered specific attachment-based interventions. We developed a technique that allowed people to determine—in a relatively short time—someone else’s attachment style. We taught people how they could use their attachment instincts rather than fight them, in order to not only evade unhappy relationships but also uncover the hidden “pearls” worth cultivating—and it worked!   We discovered that unlike other relationship interventions that focus mostly either on singles or on existing couples, adult attachment is an overarching theory of romantic affiliation that allows for the development of useful applications for people in all stages of their romantic life. There are specific applications for people who are dating, those in early stages of relationships, and those who are in long-term ones, for people going through a breakup or those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. The common thread is that adult attachment can be put to powerful use in all of these situations and can help guide people throughout their lives to better relationships. PUTTING INSIGHTS INTO ACTION After some time, attachment-related lingo became second nature to the people around us. We’d listen to them during a therapy session or at dinner saying, “I can’t go out with him, he’s clearly avoidant,” or “You know me, I’m anxious. A short fling is the last thing I need.” To think that until recently they weren’t even aware of the three attachment styles!   Tamara, of course, learned everything there was to know about attachment theory and about the new discoveries we’d made—she brought the subject up in nearly every conversation we held. She finally had summoned the strength to break off her loose ties with Greg. Shortly afterward, she began dating again with a vengeance. Equipped with her newly acquired attachment knowledge, Tamara was able to elegantly dodge potential suitors with an avoidant attachment style, who she now knew were not right for her. People whom she would have spent days agonizing over in the past—analyzing what they were thinking, whether they would call or whether they were serious about her—fell by the wayside effortlessly. Instead Tamara’s thoughts were focused on assessing whether the new people she met had the capacity to be close and loving in the way that she wanted them to be.   After some time Tamara met Tom, a clearly secure man, and their relationship developed so smoothly she barely discussed it. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to share intimate details with us, it was that she had found a secure base and there were just no crises or dramas to discuss. Most of our conversations now revolved around the fun things they did, their plans for the future, or her career, which was in full swing again. GOING FORWARD This book is the product of our translation of attachment research into action. We hope that you, like our many friends, colleagues, and patients, will use it to make better decisions in your personal life. In the following chapters, you’ll learn more about each of the three adult attachment styles and about the ways in which they determine your behavior and attitudes in romantic situations. Past failures will be seen in a new light, and your motives—as well as the motives of others—will become clearer. You’ll learn what your needs are and who you should be with in order to be happy in a relationship. If you are already in a relationship with a partner who has an attachment style that conflicts with your own, you’ll gain insight into why you both think and act as you do and learn strategies to improve your satisfaction level. In either case, you’ll start to experience change—change for the better, of course. Read more

Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling

Review “An invaluable guide for a consultant trying to understand and untangle system and interpersonal knots. Written with a beguiling simplicity and clarity, it is laden with wisdom and practicality.” —Irvin Yalom, MD, Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, Stanford University “The lessons contained in this deceptively simple book reach beyond the author's experience gained from a lifetime of consultation to organizations of all sizes and shapes. It provides life lessons for us all. If, as a result of reading this book, you begin to practice the art of humble asking, you will have taken an important step toward living wisely.”—Samuel Jay Keyser, Peter de Florez Professor Emeritus, MIT“This book seriously challenges leaders to re-examine the emphasis on task orientation and ‘telling' subordinates how best to do their jobs. Humble Inquiry increases organizational capacity to learn more from cross-cultural teamwork, reduces stress, and increases organizational engagement and productivity.” —Jyotsna Sanzgiri, MBA, PhD, Professor, California School of Professional Psychology, Alliant International University“This book is particularly important for leaders who in these complex times need advice and tools for building trust in their relationships with subordinates individually or in teams.”—Danica Purg, President, IEDC-Bled School of Management, Bled, Slovenia“This book is an exercise in inquiry by a recognized master of humble insight.”—Art Kleiner, Editor-in-Chief, Booz & Company/strategy+business“Ed Schein has provided a new and thoughtful reframing of interpersonal dynamics through the notion of Humble Inquiry. This short book is packed with insights as Schein rigorously explores the impact of his ideas in his usually clear and readable style.”—Michael Brimm, Professor of Organizational Behavior, INSEAD Europe “Humble Inquiry is an elegant treatment of how to go about building and sustaining solid, trusting relationships in or out of the workplace. A masterful take on a critical human skill too infrequently practiced.”—John Van Maanen, Erwin Schell Professor of Management and Professor of Organization Studies, MIT“A fast read and full of insight! Schein uses stories from his personal life and his successful career as a process consultant that pointedly ask, ‘How willing are you to cast aside hierarchy? How personal are you willing to be?' Considering the cultural, occupational, generational, and gender communication barriers we face every day, Humble Inquiry proposes a very practical, nonthreatening approach to bridging those gaps and increasing the mutual understanding that leads to operational excellence.”—Rosa Antonia Carrillo, MSOD, safety leadership consultant“A remarkably valuable guide for anyone interested in leading more effectively and building strong relationships. Ed Schein presents vivid examples grounded in a lifetime of experience as husband, father, teacher, administrator, and consultant.”—Robert B. McKersie, Professor Emeritus, Sloan School of Management, MIT“Ed Schein has an eye for bold yet subtle insights into the big picture and a knack for writing about them clearly. Humble Inquiry—like his previous book Helping—shows that he is equally talented at bringing fresh thinking to well-trodden ground.”—Grady McGonagill, EdD, Principal, McGonagill Consulting “What did I gain from reading Humble Inquiry? I became more aware of the subtle but powerful ways we affect each other as we talk and how the right kind of questions can dramatically improve the quality and efficiency of communication, with benefits that range from increased patient safety and satisfaction to employee motivation and morale to organizational performance. You can't afford to not know about this.”—Anthony Suchman, MD, MA, University of Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry“With the world as his classroom, Ed Schein continues to guide us through modern day chaos with the powerful behaviors of Helping and Humble Inquiry. This is a must-read for anyone who truly wishes to achieve important goals!”—Marjorie M. Godfrey, Codirector, The Dartmouth Institute for Health Policy & Clinical Practice Microsystem Academy“I have had the privilege of working with Ed Schein. Reading Humble Inquiry I could hear his voice asking me those humble questions that joined us in a mutual search for the answer. His book distills what he has learned and practiced in a lifetime of helping high-powered leaders be even more successful.” —Anthony F. Earley, Jr., Chairman, CEO and President, PG&E Corporation “Schein helps us understand the importance of transcending hierarchy and authority to build authentic relationships predicated on trust and respect. Humble iInquiry is a powerful approach to building safe environments for our people and, ultimately, our patients.”—Gary S. Kaplan MD, Chairman and CEO, Virginia Mason Health System“Quiet wisdom from an expert, enlivened by personal examples. Insightful and easy to read, it made me look again at my own behavior in my relationships, both at work and in the home.”—Charles Handy About the Author Edgar H. Schein is the Society of Sloan Fellows Professor of Management Emeritus at the MIT Sloan School of Management. His previous books include Helping; Process Consultation Revisited; The Corporate Culture Survival Guide; DEC Is Dead, Long Live DEC; Organizational Culture and Leadership; and Career Anchors. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Humble Inquiry The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling By EDGAR H. SCHEIN Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2013 Edgar H. ScheinAll rights reserved.ISBN: 978-1-60994-981-5 Contents Introduction: Creating Positive Relationships and Effective Organizations..11 Humble Inquiry...........................................................72 Humble Inquiry in Practice—Case Examples.................................213 Differentiating Humble Inquiry from Other Kinds of Inquiry...............394 The Culture of Do and Tell...............................................535 Status, Rank, and Role Boundaries as Inhibitors..........................696 Forces Inside Us as Inhibitors...........................................837 Developing the Attitude of Humble Inquiry................................99Notes......................................................................111Acknowledgments............................................................113Index......................................................................115About the Author...........................................................119Author Awards..............................................................123 CHAPTER 1 Humble Inquiry When conversations go wrong, when our bestadvice is ignored, when we get upset with the advice thatothers give us, when our subordinates fail to tell us thingsthat would improve matters or avoid pitfalls, when discussionsturn into arguments that end in stalemates and hurtfeelings—what went wrong and what could have been doneto get better outcomes? A vivid example came from one of my executive studentsin the MIT Sloan Program who was studying for hisimportant finance exam in his basement study. He hadexplicitly instructed his six-year-old daughter not to interrupthim. He was deep into his work when a knock on thedoor announced the arrival of his daughter. He said sharply,"I thought I told you not to interrupt me." The little girl burstinto tears and ran off. The next morning his wife beratedhim for upsetting the daughter. He defended himself vigorouslyuntil his wife interrupted and said, "I sent her downto you to say goodnight and ask you if you wanted a cup ofcoffee to help with your studying. Why did you yell at herinstead of asking her why she was there?" How can we do better? The answer is simple, but itsimplementation is not. We would have to do three things:1) do less telling; 2) learn to do more asking in the particularform of Humble Inquiry; and 3) do a better job of listeningand acknowledging. Talking and listening have receivedenormous attention via hundreds of books on communication.But the social art of asking a question has beenstrangely neglected. Yet what we ask and the particular form in which weask it—what I describe as Humble Inquiry—is ultimately thebasis for building trusting relationships, which facilitatesbetter communication and, thereby, ensures collaborationwhere it is needed to get the job done. Some tasks can be accomplished by each person doinghis or her own thing. If that is the case, building relationshipsand improving communication may not matter. In theteam sports of basketball, soccer, and hockey, teamwork is desirable but not essential. But when all the parties have todo the right thing—when there is complete, simultaneousinterdependence, as in a seesaw or a relay race—then goodrelationships and open communication become essential . How Does Asking Build Relationships? We all live in a culture of Tell and find it difficult to ask, especiallyto ask in a humble way. What is so wrong with telling?The short answer is a sociological one. Telling puts theother person down. It implies that the other person does notalready know what I am telling and that the other personought to know it. Often when I am told something that I didnot ask about, I find that I already know that and wonderwhy the person assumes that I don't. When I am told thingsthat I already know or have thought of, at the minimum I getimpatient, and at the maximum I get offended. The fact thatthe other person says, "But I was only trying to help—youmight not have thought of it," does not end up being helpfulor reassuring. On the other hand, asking temporarily empowers theother person in the conversation and temporarily makes mevulnerable. It implies that the other person knows somethingthat I need to or want to know. It draws the other personinto the situation and into the driver's seat; it enables theother person to help or hurt me and, thereby, opens the doorto building a relationship. If I don't care about communicatingor building a relationship with the other person, thentelling is fine. But if part of the goal of the conversation is to improve communication and build a relationship, then tellingis more risky than asking. A conversation that leads to a relationship has to besociologically equitable and balanced. If I want to build arelationship, I have to begin by investing something in it.Humble Inquiry is investing by spending some of my attention up front. My question is conveying to the other person,"I am prepared to listen to you and am making myselfvulnerable to you." I will get a return on my investment ifwhat the other person tells me is something that I did notknow before and needed to know. I will then appreciatebeing told something new, and a relationship can begin todevelop through successive cycles of being told something in response to asking. Trust builds on my end because I have made myselfvulnerable, and the other person has not taken advantageof me nor ignored me. Trust builds on the other person'send because I have shown an interest in and paid attentionto what I have been told. A conversation that builds a trustingrelationship is, therefore, an interactive process in whicheach party invests and gets something of value in return. All of this occurs within the cultural boundaries ofwhat is considered appropriate good manners and civility.The participants exchange information and attention in successivecycles guided by each of their perceptions of the culturalboundaries of what is appropriate to ask and tell aboutin the given situation. Why does this not occur routinely? Don't we all knowhow to ask questions? Of course we think we know howto ask, but we fail to notice how often even our questionsare just another form of telling—rhetorical or just testingwhether what we think is right. We are biased toward tellinginstead of asking because we live in a pragmatic, problem-solvingculture in which knowing things and telling otherswhat we know is valued. We also live in a structured societyin which building relationships is not as important as taskaccomplishment, in which it is appropriate and expectedthat the subordinate does more asking than telling, whilethe boss does more telling that asking. Having to ask is a signof weakness or ignorance, so we avoid it as much as possible. Yet there is growing evidence that many tasks getaccomplished better and more safely if team members andespecially bosses learn to build relationships through theart of Humble Inquiry. This form of asking shows interestin the other person, signals a willingness to listen, and,thereby, temporarily empowers the other person. It impliesa temporary state of dependence on another and, therefore,implies a kind of Here-and-now Humility , which must be distinguishedfrom two other forms of humility. Three Kinds of Humility Humility, in the most general sense, refers to granting someoneelse a higher status than one claims for oneself. To be humiliated means to be publicly deprived of one's claimedstatus, to lose face. It is unacceptable in all cultures tohumiliate another person, but the rules for what constituteshumiliation vary among cultures due to differences in howstatus is granted. Therefore, to understand Humble Inquiry,we need to distinguish three kinds of humility based onthree kinds of status: 1) Basic humility —In traditional societies where statusis ascribed by birth or social position, humility is not achoice but a condition. One can accept it or resent it, butone cannot arbitrarily change it. In most cultures the "upperclass" is granted an intrinsic respect based on the status oneis born into. In Western democracies such as the UnitedStates, we are in conflict about how humble to be in frontof someone who has been born into it rather than havingachieved it. But all cultures dictate the minimum amount ofrespect required, or the expected politeness and acknowledgmentthat adults owe each other. We all acknowledgethat as human beings we owe each other some basic respectand should act with some measure of civility. 2) Optional humility —In societies where status isachieved through one's accomplishments, we tend to feelhumble in the presence of people who have clearly achievedmore than we have, and we either admire or envy them.This is optional because we have the choice whether or notto put ourselves in the presence of others who would humbleus with their achievements. We can avoid such feelingsof humility by the company we choose and who we chooseto compare ourselves to, our reference groups. When in thepresence of someone whose achievements we respect, wegenerally know what the expected rules of deference anddemeanor are, but these can vary by occupational culture.How to properly show respect for the Nobel Prize-winningphysicist or the Olympic Gold Medal-winner may requiresome coaching by occupational insiders. 3) Here-and-now Humility —There is a third kind ofhumility that is crucial for the understanding of HumbleInquiry. Here-and-now Humility is how I feel when I amdependent on you. My status is inferior to yours at thismoment because you know something or can do somethingthat I need in order to accomplish some task or goal that Ihave chosen. You have the power to help or hinder me in theachievement of goals that I have chosen and have committedto. I have to be humble because I am temporarily dependenton you. Here I also have a choice. I can either not commit totasks that make me dependent on others, or I can deny thedependency, avoid feeling humble, fail to get what I need,and, thereby, fail to accomplish the task or unwittingly sabotageit. Unfortunately people often would rather fail than toadmit their dependency on someone else. This kind of humility is easy to see and feel when youare the subordinate, the student, or the patient/client becausethe situation you are in defines relative status. It is less visiblein a team among peers, and it is often totally invisible tothe boss who may assume that the formal power granted bythe position itself will guarantee the performance of the subordinate.The boss may not perceive his or her dependencyon the subordinate, either because of incorrect assumptionsabout the nature of the task that is being performed orbecause of incorrect assumptions about a subordinate's levelof commitment to the particular job. The boss may assumethat if something is in the subordinate's job description, itwill be done, and not notice the many ways in which subordinateswill withhold information or drift off what they havebeen trained for. But, if I am a boss on a seesaw or in a relayrace in which everyone's performance matters to getting thejob done at all, I am de facto dependent on the subordinatewhether I recognize it or not. Getting the seesaw to moveand passing the baton will work only if all the participants,regardless of formal status, recognize their dependence oneach other. It is in that situation where Humble Inquiry by allthe parties becomes most relevant, where the humility is notbased on a priori status gaps or differences in prior achievement,but on recognized here-and-now interdependence. When you are dependent on someone to get a taskaccomplished, it is essential that you build a relationshipwith that person that will lead to open task-related communication.Consider two possibilities. You are the boss inthe relay race. Telling the person to put out her or his lefthand so that you, who are right-handed, can easily pass thebaton, may or may not lead to effective passing. However, ifyou decide to engage in Humble Inquiry prior to the race,you might ask your teammate's preference for which hand touse. You might then discover that the person has an injuredleft hand that does not work as well, and it would be betterfor you to pass with your left. Shouldn't the subordinate have mentioned that beforethe race anyway? Not if in that culture for one person tospeak up directly to a person of higher status is taboo. Ifthe baton pass is an instrument a nurse passes to the surgeon,isn't it enough for the surgeon to tell the nurse whatshe needs and expect a correct response? Ordinarily yes,but what if the nurse is temporarily distracted by a beepfrom monitoring equipment or confused because of a possiblelanguage problem or thinks it is the wrong instrument?Should he not speak up and admit that he does not understand,or are the cultural forces in the situation such thathe will guess and maybe make a costly mistake? If, in theculture of that operating room, the doctors are gods and onesimply does not question or confront them, that nurse willnot speak up, even if there is potential harm to the patient.My point is that in both of those examples, the boss and thedoctor are de facto dependent on their subordinates andmust, therefore, recognize their Here-and-now Humility.Failure to do so and failure to engage in Humble Inquiry tobuild a relationship prior to the race or the operation itself then leads to poor performance, potential harm, and feelingsof frustration all around. When such situations occur within a given culturewhere the rules of deference and demeanor are clear, thereis a chance that the parties will understand each other. Butwhen the team members in an interdependent task are moremulticultural, both the language and the set of behavioralrules about how to deal with authority and trust may vary.To make this clear, let's look at a hypothetical multiculturalexample from medicine, keeping in mind that the samecultural forces would operate in a comparable example ofa task force in a business or in a curriculum committee ina school. THREE KINDS OF HUMILITY—ASURGICAL TEAM EXAMPLE Consider these three types of humility in the context ofa hypothetical British hospital operating room where acomplex operation is being performed. The surgeon is Dr.Roderick Brown, the son of Lord Brown, who is a respectedsenior surgeon and works with the Royal Family; the anesthesiologistis Dr. Yoshi Tanaka, recently arrived from Japanon a residency fellowship; the surgical nurse is Amy Grant,an American working in the United Kingdom because herhusband has a job there; and the surgical tech is Jack Swift,who is from a lower-class section of London and has gone ashigh as he is likely to go at the hospital. All the members of the team would feel some basichumility with respect to the surgeon, Dr. Brown, except possiblyAmy, who does not particularly respect the British classstructure. Both Amy and Dr. Tanaka would feel optionalhumility with respect to Dr. Brown because they can see howtalented Brown is with surgical tools. Jack is likely to feelsuch optional humility with respect to all the others in theroom. What none of them may be sufficiently aware of is thatthey are interdependent and will, therefore, have to experience Here-and-now Humility from time to time with respectto each other. Dr. Brown, the senior surgeon, may know implicitly,but would not necessarily acknowledge openly, that he isalso dependent on the other three. A situation might wellarise where he needs information or something to be doneby the others in the room who have lower status than he.In the context of the task to be done, situations will arisewhere an occupationally higher-status person temporarilyhas lower status by virtue of being dependent and, therefore,should display Here-and-now Humility to ensure a betterperformance and a safer outcome for the patient. The higher-status person often denies or glosses thiskind of dependency by rationalizing that "I am, after all,working with professionals." That implies that they are allcompetent, are committed to the superordinate goals ofhealing the patient, and accept their roles and relative statusin the room. It implies that they don't feel humiliatedby having orders barked at them or having help demandedof them. Their "professionalism" also typically assumesthat they will not humiliate the person with higher statusby offering criticism or help unless asked. The burdenthen falls on the higher-status person to ask for help and to create the climate that gives permission for the help tobe given . Situational Trouble or Surprise . If things work smoothly,there may be no issues around status and open communication.But what if something goes wrong or somethingunexpected occurs? For example, if Dr. Tanaka is about tomake a major mistake on the anesthetics, and the nurse,Amy, notices it, what should she do? Should she speak up?And what are the consequences of her speaking up about it?Being American, she might just blurt it out and risk that Dr.Tanaka would, in fact, be humiliated by being corrected by alower-status nurse, a woman, and an American. If the corrective comment was made by Dr. Brown,it might be embarrassing, but would have been acceptedbecause the senior person can legitimately correct the juniorperson. Dr. Tanaka might actually appreciate it. Jack mighthave seen the potential error but would not feel licensed tospeak up at all. If Amy or the tech made the mistake, theymight get yelled at and thrown off the team because fromthe point of view of the senior doctor, they could easily bereplaced by someone more competent. What if Dr. Brown was about to make a mistake, wouldanyone tell him? Dr. Tanaka has learned in his culture thatone never corrects a superior. This might go so far as to coverup for a surgeon's mistake in order to protect the face of thesuperior and the profession. Amy would experience conflictand might or might not speak up depending on how psychologicallysafe she felt in the situation. That might be based psychologicallysafe she felt in the situation. That might be basedon what kind of history of communication and relationshipshe had with Dr. Brown and other male surgeons in her pastcareer. She might not know whether Dr. Brown would behumiliated by having a nurse offer a corrective comment orquestion. And humiliation must be avoided in most cultures,so it would be difficult for her to speak up unless she and Dr.Brown had built a relationship in which she felt safe to do so. (Continues...) Excerpted from Humble Inquiry by EDGAR H. SCHEIN . Copyright © 2013 Edgar H. Schein. Excerpted by permission of Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. Read more

Little Fur Family Board Book

From the Back Cover There was a little fur familywarm as toastsmaller than mostin little fur coatsand they lived in a warm wooden tree. The Little Fur Family tells the story of a little fur child's day in the woods. The day ends when his big fur parents tuck him in bed "all soft and warm," and sing him to sleep with a lovely bedtime song. Cuddle up to a classic with this timeless story! Garth William's soft illustrations join Margaret Wise Brown's rhythmic text to create a gentle lullaby. Bound in imitation fur, Little Fur Family is sure to comfort and delight. About the Author Margaret Wise Brown, cherished for her unique ability to convey a child’s experience and perspective of the world, transformed the landscape of children’s literature with such beloved classics as Goodnight Moon and The Runaway Bunny . Other perennial favorites by Ms. Brown include My World ; Christmas in the Barn ; The Dead Bird ; North, South, East, West ; and Good Day, Good Night . Garth Williams is the renowned illustrator of almost one hundred books for children, including the beloved Stuart Little by E. B. White, Bedtime for Frances by Russell Hoban, and the Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder. He was born in 1912 in New York City but raised in England. He founded an art school near London and served with the British Red Cross Civilian Defense during World War II. Williams worked as a portrait sculptor, art director, and magazine artist before doing his first book Stuart Little , thus beginning a long and lustrous career illustrating some of the best known children's books. In addition to illustrating works by White and Wilder, he also illustrated George Selden’s The Cricket in Times Square and its sequels (Farrar Straus Giroux). He created the character and pictures for the first book in the Frances series by Russell Hoban (HarperCollins) and the first books in the Miss Bianca series by Margery Sharp (Little, Brown). He collaborated with Margaret Wise Brown on her Little Golden Books titles Home for a Bunny and Little Fur Family, among others, and with Jack Prelutsky on two poetry collections published by Greenwillow: Ride a Purple Pelican and Beneath a Blue Umbrella . He also wrote and illustrated seven books on his own, including Baby Farm Animals (Little Golden Books) and The Rabbits’ Wedding (HarperCollins).

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Amazon.com Review Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice. How do you discover your spouses  and your own  love language? Chapmans short questionnaires are one of several ways to find out. Throughout the book, he also includes application questions that can be answered more extensively in the beautifully detailed companion leather journal (an exclusive Amazon.com set). Each section of the journal corresponds with a chapter from the book, offering opportunities for deeper reflection on your marriage. Although some readers may find choosing to love a spouse that they no longer even like hoping the feelings of affection will follow later a difficult concept to swallow, Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort. "Love is a choice," says Chapman. "And either partner can start the process today." -- Cindy Crosby . This text refers to the Amazon.com Exclusive Journal & Paperback Book Set. From the Back Cover
ARE YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE
SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE?

He sends you flowers when what you really want is time to talk.  She gives you a hug when what you really need is a home-cooked meal.  The problem isn't your love--it's your love language!

In this international best seller, Dr. Gary Chapman reveals how different people express love in different ways.  In fact, there are five specific languages of love:

-Quality Time
-Words of Affirmation
-Gifts
-Acts of Service
-Physical Touch

What speaks volumes to you may be meaningless to your spouse.  But here, at last, is the key to understanding each other's unique needs.  Apply the right principles, learn the right language, and soon you'll know the profound satisfaction and joy of being able to express your love--and feeling truly loved in return.
 About the Author GARY CHAPMAN, PhD , is the author of the #1 New York Times bestselling The 5 Love Languages . With over 30 years of counseling experience, he has the uncanny ability to hold a mirror up to human behavior, showing readers not just where they go wrong, but also how to grow and move forward. Dr. Chapman holds BA and MA degrees in anthropology from Wheaton College and Wake Forest University, respectively, MRE and PhD degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and has completed postgraduate work at the University of North Carolina and Duke University. For more information visit his website at www.5lovelanguages.com. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. My friend on the plane was speaking the language of "Affirming Words" to his third wife when he said, "I told her how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband." He was speaking love, and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn't see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. Read more

The Course of Honour: A Novel

From Publishers Weekly The author of the popular Marcus Didius Falco mystery series reaches again into the fertile bone pile of ancient Roman history, this time to fashion an unforgettable character out of a little-known woman of the first century A.D. Caenis merits a single reference in the entry on Emperor Vespasian in the Oxford Classical Dictionary, 2nd edition: "He then lived with an earlier mistress who had been a freed-woman of Tiberius' sister-in-law Antonia." The story is set against the backdrop of particularly turbulent years of the Roman Empire, the time of the most notorious emperors (Tiberius, Caligula, Claudius and Nero) and some of the most forgettable. In Davis's imagining, the sparks fly from the first accidental meeting when Caenis is a slave and a secretary in Antonia's household and Vespasian a young rustic from Reate visiting Rome. With meticulous detail and powerful drama, Davis chronicles Vespasian's remarkable rise to power and Caenis's equally compelling success in shaping her own future. As presented in this intricate braiding of character and action, fact and imagination, these two strong characters, bound by passionate and enduring love and parted often by what Vespasian bitterly refers to as the "cursus honorum," deserve to take their place in the pantheon of the world's great lovers. Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition. From the Inside Flap Ninth in Davis? award-winning and acclaimed Falco novels.The love story of the Emperor Vespasian, who brought peace to Rome after years of strife, and his mistress, the freed slave woman Antonia Caenis, this book recreates Ancient Rome?s most turbulent period ? the reigns of Tiberius, Caligula, Claudius and Nero, and Vespasian?s rise to power. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition. Review • "Like reading Pliny rewritten by Raymond Chandler." -- Sunday Times • "Extremely good... as well as being a convincing love story." -- Daily Mail • "She brings Ancient Rome to life." --Ellis Peters --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition. Review "As presented in this intricate braiding of character and action, fact and imagination, these two strong characters ... deserve to take their place in the pantheon of the world's great lovers."-- Publishers Weekly "Davis's vision of everyday life in the roman empire is superb. I haven't read historical fiction this good since I, Claudius by Robert Graves."-- Detroit Free Press "Davis makes Rome live."-- The Washington Post --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition. From Booklist Davis, author of the Marcus Didius Falco mysteries, here transmutes a stray historical aside into a rich and compelling piece of fiction. The freedwoman Caenis was lover and mistress to the man who became the Roman Emperor Vespasian, a strong and good leader who followed the wicked excesses of Nero. The story is told from Caenis' point of view, beginning with her life as a slave and work as scribe and secretary for Antonia, grandmother of Caligula and Claudius. The full sweep of history in this turbulent period from A.D. 31 to A.D. 69 in the Mediterranean basin is the background for casual details of what was eaten, what was worn, and what daily life was like. Caenis is deeply intelligent, self-contained, and no-nonsense; her love for Vespasian (and his for her) is developed in a way that makes sense to both the head and the heart. Their trials and separations and reconciliations are the stuff of great romantic reading. Any reader of historical fiction will enjoy this one. GraceAnne A. DeCandido --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition. About the Author LINDSEY DAVIS has written nineteen novels, beginning with The Course of Honour , the love story of the Emperor Vespasian and Antonia Caenis. Her bestselling mystery series features laid-back First Century detective Marcus Didius Falco and his partner Helena Justina, plus friends, relations, pets and bitter enemy the Chief Spy. Her books are translated into many languages and serialised on BBC Radio 4. Past Chair of the Crimewriters' Association and a Vice President of the Classical Association, she has won the CWA Ellis Peters Historical Dagger, the Dagger in the Library, and a Sherlock award for Falco as Best Comic Detective. She was born in Birmingham but now lives in London. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter One Whatever was that? The young man arrested his stride. He halted. At his shoulder his brother drew up equally amazed. An incongruous scent was beckoning them. They both sniffed the air. Incredible! That was a pig's-meat sausage, vigorously frying. Everywhere lay silent. The echoes of their own footfalls had whispered and died. No other sign of occupation disturbed the chill, tall, marble-veneered corridors of the staterooms on the Palatine Hill from which the Roman Empire was administered. Under the long-absent Emperor Tiberius these had never offered much of a homely welcome to strangers. Today was worse than ever. Arches that were meant to be guarded stood framed only by forbidding drapes whose heavy pleats had not been disturbed since they were first hung. No one else was here. Only that rich odour of hot meat and spices continued its ravishing assault. The younger man set off walking faster. He wheeled around corners and brushed along passages as if he had just discovered the proper route to take until, after a fractional hesitation, he whipped open a small door. Before his brother caught up with him he ducked his head and strode through. A furious female slave exploded, 'Skip over the Styx; you're not allowed in here!' Her hair hung in a lank, sorry string. Her face was pasty, a sad contrast to the tinctured ladies at court. Yet despite her grubbiness, she wore her dull frieze dress with courageous style, and although he knew better he threw back at her drily, 'Thanks! What an interesting girl!' Afterwards Caenis could never quite remember which festival it had been. The time of year was certain. Autumn. Autumn, six years before Tiberius died. The year of the fall of Aelius Sejanus, the commander of the Praetorian Guard. Sejanus, who allegedly kept a pack of pet hounds he fed with human blood. Sejanus, who had ruled Rome with a grip of iron for nearly two de cades and who wanted to be Emperor. It could have been the great ten-day series of Games in honour of Augustus. The Augustales, which had been established as a memorial to Rome's first Emperor and were now conducted in honour of the whole Imperial House, would have been an occasion which explained why Antonia had given most of her slaves and freedmen a holiday, including her Chief Secretary, Diadumenus. Even more likely would have been the actual birthday of Augustus, by then a long-established celebration, a week before October began. Thinking of Augustus, the founder of the Empire, could well have stirred Antonia to what she was about to do. Foolish, at any rate, for anyone to attempt business at the Palace on such a day. On any state holiday the priests of the imperial cult led the city in the duties of religion while senators, citizens, freedmen and even slaves, from the most privileged librarians to the glistening bath house stokers, seized their chance and piled into the temples too. Here on the Palatine the slop-carriers and step-sweepers, the polishers of silver cups and jewel-encrusted bowls, the accountants and secretaries, the chamberlains who vetted visitors, the major-domos who announced their names, the lifters of door curtains and carriers of cushions, had all disappeared hours ago. Sejanus would be lording it at the ceremonies; the Praetorians, who ought to be guarding the Emperor, would be guarding him. Caesar's palace complex, which even during Caesar's long absence from Rome thrummed with occupation every day and rustled with innumerable murmurs of life into the dead of night, for once lay hushed. So the door flew open. Someone strode in. Caenis looked up. She scowled; the man frowned. 'Here's somebody— Sabinus!' he called back over his great shoulder, as he loomed in the low doorway. The fat spattered dangerously beneath the girl's spoon. 'Juno and Minerva—' coughed Caenis, as she was forced back from her pan while the flame lapped sideways across the charcoal brazier in a palely whickering sheet. 'We'll all go up in smoke; will you shut that door!' A second man, presumably Sabinus, came in. This one wore a senator's broad purple stripe on his toga's edge. 'What have you found for us?' The fat went wild again. 'Oh for the gods' sake!' Caenis swore at them, forgetting their rank as she was nearly set alight. 'A bad-tempered slavey with a pan of sausages.' He had the sense at last to close the door. They were lost. Caenis guessed it at once. Even the open spaces and temples among the homes of imperial family members above the Circus Maximus were deserted. The public offices on the Forum side of the Palatine were closed. Stupid to come today. With no guards to cross spears in their faces these two had blundered down a wrong passageway and ended up bemused. Only people who wanted to indulge in sad habits alone were lurking in corners with their furtive pursuits. Only eccentrics and deviants, misers and malcontents: and Caenis. She was one of the group of girls who worked with Diadumenus, copying correspondence for the lady Antonia. Today he had ordered her to remain quietly out of trouble; later she must go to the House of Livia, where their mistress lived, and ask whether any work was required. Caenis was junior but capable; besides, Diadumenus had really not anticipated that anything significant would occur. In most respects Caenis was, like everyone else, on holiday. Hence the sausage. She had been enjoying both her solitude— rare for a slave— and the food too. She had scraped together the price by writing letters for other people and picking up lost coins from corridor floors. She had crept in here, sliced the meat evenly and was cooking it in a pan intended for emulsifying face creams before she ate her treat deliberately, on her own. She craved her sausage with good reason: her starved frame needed the meat and fat, her deprived senses hankered after nuts, spices and the luxury of food fiercely hot from a pan. She hated being interrupted. 'Excuse me, sirs, you are not allowed in here.' Warily she tried to camouflage her annoyance. In Rome it was wise to be diplomatic. That applied to everyone. Men who thought they possessed the Emperor's confidence today might be exiled or murdered tomorrow. Men who wanted to survive had to inveigle themselves into the clique surrounding Sejanus. Making friends had been unsafe for years, for the wrong association clung like onion juice under a chef's fingernails. Yet so many promising careers were ending in disaster that today's nobodies might just survive to ride in tomorrow's triumph beneath the laurels and ribbons of the golden Etruscan crown. For a slavegirl it was always best to appear polite: 'Lords, if you are wanting Veronica—' 'Oh, do cheer up!' chaffed the first man abruptly. 'We might prefer you.' Caenis gave her pan a rapid shimmy, agitating the spatula. She chortled derisively. 'Rich, I hope?' The two men glanced at one another, then with a similar slow regretful grin both shook their heads. 'No use to me then!' She saw their veiled embarrassment: traditionalists with good family morals— in public, anyway. Veronica would shake them. Veronica was the one to astonish a stiff-necked senator. She believed that a slavegirl who was vivacious and pretty could do as well for herself as she pleased. Caenis was too single-minded and intense; she would have to make a life for herself some other way. 'We seem to be lost,' explained the cautious man, Sabinus. 'Your footman let you down?' Caenis queried, nodding at his companion. 'My brother,' stated the senator; very straight, this senator. 'What's his name?' 'Vespasianus.' 'Why no broad stripes too?' she challenged the brother directly. 'Not old enough?' Entry to the Senate was at twenty-five; he was probably not long past twenty. 'You sound like my mother: not clever!' he quipped. Citizens never normally joked with slavegirls about their noble mothers; Caenis stared at him. He had a broad chest, heavy shoulders, a strong neck. A pleasant face, full of character. His chin jutted up; his nose beaked down; his mouth compressed fiercely, though he seemed good-humoured. He had steady eyes. She looked away. As a slave, she preferred not to meet such a gaze. 'Not ready for it,' he added, glaring at his brother as if it were a matter of family argument. Against her better judgement she replied, 'Or is the Senate not ready for you?' She had already noticed his obstinate roughness, a deliberate refusal to hide his country background and accent; she admired it, though plenty in Rome would call it coarse. He sensed her interest. If he wanted it (and she reckoned he did), women probably liked him. Caenis resisted the urge. 'You have lost yourselves in Livia's pantry, sir,' she informed the other man, Sabinus. There was a sudden stillness, which she secretly enjoyed. Though the cubbyhole looked like a perfumery, the two men would be wondering whether this was where the famous Empress had mixed up the poisons with which, allegedly, she removed those who stood in her way. Livia was dead now, but the rumours had acquired their own momentum and even grew worse. The two men were nervously surveying the cosmetic jars. Some were em... --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition. Read more

Stars' Fire

Tides of Fate: The Ronin Saga