data/clean.csv

quote_id,quote,character
0,"Yes, I’d like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You’re a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I’m sorry. OK. I’m sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to, so… She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so… So that’s the way it’s done.",Michael
1,"People say I am the best boss. They go, “God we’ve never worked in a place like this before. You’re hilarious.” “And you get the best out of us.” I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.",Michael
2,"Corporate really doesn’t really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because… well, not because I’m scared of her. Because I’m not. But, um… Yeah.",Michael
3,"Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.",Michael
4,"I think I’m a role model here. I think I garner people’s respect. Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.",Michael
5,"People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope… Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it’s really beyond words. It’s really incalculable.",Michael
6,"What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It’s the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, “Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?” Wow. Wow. Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.",Michael
7,"Today is diversity day and someone’s going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It’s something that I’ve been pushing, that I’ve been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it’s very important that we have this. I’m very, very excited.",Michael
8,"How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I’m white and Chris is black?",Michael
9,Kevin is a great guy. He’s a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.,Michael
10,"“I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness…” Open-mindedness, is that even a word? “…into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.” He’s going to lose it when he reads that.",Michael
11,"Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.",Michael
12,"I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore… Don’t look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and… Take a card, take a card, any card. Um… And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so… I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn’t just an exercise. This is real life. And… I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get ‘er done.",Michael
13,Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There’s this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I’m not going to do it but it’s…,Michael
14,"You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. “Too soon for Arabs.” Maybe next year. Um… You know, the ball’s in their court.",Michael
15,Talk like you’re talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going.,Michael
16,"The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um… Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.",Michael
17,"If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we’ve talked about that already.",Michael
18,"Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn’t matter. The point is, they’re not unhappy anymore. They’re out there thinking, “Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He’s cool. I… what a great guy. I love him. I…",Michael
19,"OK, so I don’t know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?",Michael
20,"When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.",Michael
21,"God, yeah… Ah! This…",Michael
22,"Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. “Hi. I’m Mork from Ork.” Well, I’m Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.",Michael
23,"It looks like there’s gonna be downsizing. And it’s part of my job, but… blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, “You’re fired.” “You’re foir-ed. Uh, you’re foir-ed.” It just makes people sad, and an office can’t function that way. No way. “You’re foir-ed.” I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, “You’re hired, and you can work here as long as you want.” But that’s unrealistic, so…",Michael
24,"Can you get her? She’s right there. That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this… is Meredith’s card. Happy Bird-Day. Um, let’s see. Jim, Jim wrote, “Meredith, I heard you’re turning 46, but, come on, you’re an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.” Not bad, pretty funny, I don’t appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here’s the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I’ve already set the bar really high. And they’re all worried about their jobs, you know. It’s kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, “Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You’re great. Love, Michael.”",Michael
25,"When I retire, I… don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.",Michael
26,"A check for the kids, and for the team.",Michael
27,"I want it to be like… “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Um, well, I don’t, I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what, that was Michael Scott.” “But it was anonymous, how do you know?” “Because I’m him.”",Michael
28,"Today at lunchtime we’re going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they’d put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, “This might be kinda fun.” And so I started messing around and… I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So… you know, it’s really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.",Michael
29,"Classic beginner’s mistake, eating before a game.",Michael
30,"Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. Dwight, I was open. All right, let’s go.",Michael
31,"When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It’s gone, I’m in the zone.",Michael
32,What is wrong with me today?!,Michael
33,"Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don’t know… I might just be a basketball machine. What’s Dunder Mifflin? I’ve never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um… well, that’s probably gonna happen, actually.",Michael
34,"Football is like rock and roll, it’s just bam-bam-boo… And basketball is like jazz, you know? You’re kind of… Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It’s all downbeat, it’s in the pocket, it’s like… Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah…",Michael
35,"Shoot, shoot it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is… You all right Jim? Suck it up.",Michael
36,"Watch the long passes, you guys!",Michael
37,The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don’t win. But we did because we were ahead.,Michael
38,"Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it’s taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, three points. The Question, whew, whew, six points. Nothing but net. Question, who’s the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister.",Michael
39,"Birdie. He’s not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is… if you knew jazz, you’d know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is.",Michael
40,"I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that’s the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she’s in Phoenix. Illuminating.",Michael
41,"I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike.",Michael
42,"Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It’s a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It’s not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!",Michael
43,"I think in order to be a ladies man, it’s imperative that people don’t know you’re a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don’t know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe they’re right? I don’t know.",Michael
44,"Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I’d pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.",Michael
45,"T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it’s just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say “Don’t go there” but that’s… lame.",Michael
46,To Oscar Martinez it’s the “Show Me the Money” award! Yeah!,Michael
47,"This is a little character I like to do , it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson’s classic characters. Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. “Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.” Here’s the problem. There’s no open bar because of Jan and it’s the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It’ll be fine, I just…wish people were going to be drunk.",Michael
48,"“The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I’m psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You’re just a name and number and no one even says hello.” Card!",Michael
49,"Alright, so let’s get this party staaaarrrrted.",Michael
50,Herro everybodeeee. I’m gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.,Michael
51,"It’s so freakin’ hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. Here we go, he’s early with the cue. Here we go.",Michael
52,"Was this year’s Dundies a success? Well, let’s see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.",Michael
53,I have listened to that song so many times and I still don’t know what OPP stands for. Other people’s… Something. I…,Michael
54,"I am king of forwards. It’s how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We’re like ‘Friends’. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.",Michael
55,"Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So…",Michael
56,Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced so he’s really not a part of his family.,Michael
57,"A guy goes to a five dollar… lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says “Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?” This is what’s at stake.",Michael
58,"When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who’s just delivering drugs from one guy to another.",Michael
59,"I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can’t be too careful about what you say. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.",Michael
60,"Times have changed a little. And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.",Michael
61,"There’s a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It’s just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you’ve no place to go but down.",Michael
62,"Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities.",Michael
63,Ryan’s about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I’m like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.,Michael
64,Hey!,Michael
65,"Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I’ve heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.",Michael
66,"When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe… lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me.",Michael
67,"I did not go to business school. You know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So… so it’s not the same thing. At all.",Michael
68,"Hey! I know what’ll impress everybody, I’ll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.",Michael
69,"Okay. Rule five – safety first, i.e. don’t burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer.",Michael
70,Oh… look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.,Michael
71,I’ll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.,Michael
72,It’s not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.,Michael
73,"Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?",Michael
74,"Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?",Michael
75,"I love Halloween. You know, it’s just, it’s just fun. Every year, it’s just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson’s boob. It was topical. People got a… a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.",Michael
76,"All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. Wow, that’s a fast elevator.",Michael
77,"I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends – I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments. And that’s when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.",Michael
78,"You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? “Raging Bull.” Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work… Oh, oh check this out. Come here. There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This’ll be hilarious. Oh, we’re playing phone tag.",Michael
79,"I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.",Michael
80,"God, you look like such an idiot.",Michael
81,"Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.",Michael
82,"That’s why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn’t have to just shout non-sense words. That’s her fault.",Michael
83,"Morning, Pam. Hey.",Michael
84,"No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I’m, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. No, seriously, guys, I’m not, I don’t want to go into it at all. It’s off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.",Michael
85,"I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don’t know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It’s, uh, Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How’s traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. Would you excuse me? No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we’re gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don’t understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you’re still a little bit drunk Excuse me? Excuse me?! I think you’re, yes, why don’t you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn’t slip you something!",Michael
86,"Pam, could I see you in my office?",Michael
87,"My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we’ll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn’t want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn’t want it, we both didn’t want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something’s mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.",Michael
88,"Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn.",Michael
89,"I’m a little confused. ‘Cause first it’s all like kissy-kissy. And then it’s like all regret. Because “Oh, I regret that.” But, “Wait, I’m still gonna call you.” But, but, “We’re just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don’t do your job.” But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business.",Michael
90,Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn’t matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I’m good. I can go home now.,Michael
91,"“I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period.” Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don’t understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask?",Michael
92,"Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that’s right, yes. Um… I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I’m just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get?",Michael
93,"Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was… He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don’t know how she dealt with that as long as she did.",Michael
94,"What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that’s me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot.",Michael
95,The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.,Michael
96,"There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it— And I am not going to tell them that I’ll be reading their e-mails.",Michael
97,"Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim’s tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be… . No.",Michael
98,"There’s always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature’s rule. It’s intimidation mostly, it’s the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.",Michael
99,"Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That’s why I always start with a gun, because you can’t top it, you just can’t.",Michael
100,"Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says “Hey you’re funny, you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.” And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.",Michael
101,"It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G’s. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.",Michael
102,"Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.”",Michael
103,"So Phyllis is basically saying, “Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt’s worth.” I gave Ryan an iPod.",Michael
104,Everyone wants the iPod. It’s a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.,Michael
105,"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.",Michael
106,"Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.",Michael
107,Lampshade on head! It’s happening!,Michael
108,"Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It’s really the greatest day of all time.",Michael
109,Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela’s kind of… Angela’s little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper.,Michael
110,"Dwight is… Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason.",Michael
111,"See, that’s what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, “Man, I wish I got that.” I mean, that’s just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don’t know, it’s just… I don’t know, just makes you kind of feel good.",Michael
112,This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I’m going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.,Michael
113,"I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and… it wasn’t the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I’ve incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.",Michael
114,"Leader… ship. The word “ship” is hidden inside the word “leadership,” as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we’re all in the same boat. Teamwork!",Michael
115,"A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.",Michael
116,"In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It’s nebulose.",Michael
117,"Hey, look! I’m king of the world!",Michael
118,Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.,Michael
119,"I’m in the brig. See? The boat’s not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was… if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.",Michael
120,Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I’m old.,Michael
121,"I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.",Michael
122,"No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I’m not gonna call Jan. She’d just worry… drive down here and make a big thing… Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you?",Michael
123,Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.,Michael
124,You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.,Michael
125,"Yeah, baby, I am feelin’ better. My body’s literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.",Michael
126,The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout “shotgun” when you’re within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.,Michael
127,"Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.",Michael
128,"Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?",Michael
129,"Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.",Michael
130,"Uhhh it’s ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don’t understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?",Michael
131,"People are always coming to me. “Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.” No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a… Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call… More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don’t, I don’t want to live like that. I like it here. I don’t want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.",Michael
132,"I am a big Fear Factor fan. I’m a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um… I can’t stand it , I can’t stay in here another second. No!",Michael
133,"Ed Truck. Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, “Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.” What a jerk. He’s… You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.",Michael
134,"When I was in training, many years ago… not so long ago… I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office . Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that",Michael
135,"Another time, Packer held this guy’s head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn’t hired.",Michael
136,"Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. It was hysterical.",Michael
137,"Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don’t know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn’t do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.",Michael
138,You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.,Michael
139,This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.,Michael
140,"Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, “Uh… no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”",Michael
141,"It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It’s ah… God, these people are so… these are good people. We have fun. We just have fun! Oh, I’m just so sorry that I threw the thing out.",Michael
142,"Women in the workplace… yeah, translation “I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.” Oh! Sorry. ‘Women of the workplace.’ About what? I don’t know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!",Michael
143,"Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You’re a guy… too… sort of. Let’s do this!",Michael
144,"Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let’s just clap.",Michael
145,"Oh, I think it’s going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven’t been there in months.",Michael
146,Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there’s someone down here who shouldn’t be. A little “Good Will Hunting” situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.,Michael
147,Check this out! Look at that! Look at that bwup-bwa! Hello! How are… Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.,Michael
148,Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.,Michael
149,"Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this?",Michael
150,Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?,Michael
151,Ahhh! Excellent.,Michael
152,Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.,Michael
153,"This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine’s Day. It’s New York. City of Love.",Michael
154,"Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.",Michael
155,"The meeting isn’t ’til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m gonna go get me a New York slice.",Michael
156,"Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you’re in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that’s pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here.",Michael
157,"Everybody takes the subway in New York. It’s fast, it’s efficient, gets you there on time. It’s a way to Okay, there’s a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.",Michael
158,"This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it’s, that’s Tina Fey . That’s Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? OH, I’m sorry, I thought you were , OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn’t. So… Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh.",Michael
159,"I would love to live in New York someday. It’s a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It’d be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. OK, umm, I think, that’s either the Hudson or the East, so we’re back, should be back this way. There’s a lotta pressure on me right now. It’s like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it’s over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let’s do it.",Michael
160,"Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won’t. You know, not what this is about.",Michael
161,Oy vey… schmear.,Michael
162,"I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course.",Michael
163,"I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman’s body? The brains. Because I don’t think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff.",Michael
164,"Okay, here’s the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, “Oh there’s nothing between us and stop talking about it.” And “Border-line harassment when you call me at home.” But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine’s Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see.",Michael
165,"Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just… I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you’re awesome! Here’s a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here’s a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.",Michael
166,Dwight is not going to do a job. It’s sad. And they’re expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.,Michael
167,"Confidence, Dwight.",Michael
168,All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It’s a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We’re down here. Right.,Michael
169,"I’m very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. …And now the black guy from the ‘Police Academy’ movies. A robot. Michael Winslow, anyone?",Michael
170,"Dwight gave a great speech. That’s the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?",Michael
171,"Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death.",Michael
172,"Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid’s environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I’m going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in “Raw,” and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in “Daddy Daycare.” both great movies, but, still.",Michael
173,"It’s not that children make me uncomfortable, it’s just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I’ve never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.",Michael
174,"Just compare last year’s order to this year’s. Uh-huh. Yeah, I’m looking at it right now. … Yes. We–yeah, they’re very–they’re different. Yeah, we can stick with last year’s, you’re just going to have to supplement it, somehow.",Michael
175,"Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.",Michael
176,"Alright, nowwww… what kind… of pizza do you like?",Michael
177,"I don’t get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives… They’re adults, for God’s sake.",Michael
178,"Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And… I have a great one . Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.",Michael
179,"Didn’t do background checks of the warehouse guys. Well, I’m sure it’ll be fine.",Michael
180,"Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don’t know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a",Michael
181,"When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids… and… I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me… for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.",Michael
182,"When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn’t even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So…",Michael
183,"Yeah, I’ve been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you’re on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.",Michael
184,"Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would… be… chaos.",Michael
185,"Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don’t know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I’m sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.",Michael
186,"I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.",Michael
187,"Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam’s. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We’re doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.",Michael
188,Ohh… God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?,Michael
189,"OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?",Michael
190,"Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn’t work, everybody would still be in the cage.",Michael
191,"Okay, so Dwight, in your own words – “Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.” “Everyone has called me ‘Dwayne’ all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.”",Michael
192,"“This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.” Gah. “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”",Michael
193,"“Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers’.”",Michael
194,"“By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”",Michael
195,"The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I’ve never had one. They sound awful.",Michael
196,It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.,Michael
197,"One, two.. Didn’t say three, did I?",Michael
198,"But, I’m sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can’t outrun your problems.",Michael
199,And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here’s the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.,Michael
200,"Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we’ve remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.",Michael
201,"There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. “I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.” And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It’s one of my dreams.",Michael
202,Give me some.,Michael
203,"Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I’m not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?",Michael
204,"Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I’ve got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.",Michael
205,"Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn’t hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that’s really more than half the battle.",Michael
206,I would have never called him that if I knew. You don’t… You don’t call retarded people “retards”. It’s bad taste. You call your friends “retards” when they’re acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.,Michael
207,"The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.",Michael
208,"Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it’s all goooooood! I don’t particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually… it is quite beautiful.",Michael
209,"All right, everybody in the conference room! I don’t care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!",Michael
210,"Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love… to other men.",Michael
211,"We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can’t lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love… anyway? Maybe it’s supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar… and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?",Michael
212,"I am glad that today spurred social change. That’s part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn’t, at least we put this matter to bed. …that’s what she said. Or he said.",Michael
213,"Oh, there’s Gill. Oscar’s roommate. I wonder if he knows?",Michael
214,"Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I",Michael
215,"Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He’s been stuck working under Josh, the poor man’s Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.",Michael
216,"I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like the firemen. You don’t leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.",Michael
217,SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.,Michael
218,"Some people need dozens of friends to say, “Hey, look at me, I’m popular.” But not me. I’m very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you’ll just know. Because a real relationship, it… it can’t be forced. It should just come about effortlessly.",Michael
219,"Today I’m headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy.",Michael
220,"A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. “Connecticut.” And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer’s Vette, jump in the Vette, he",Michael
221,"Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he’s doing now. He’s a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the… He doesn’t even get to play in the game, I mean.",Michael
222,Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is… Varsity Blues!,Michael
223,Entourage!,Michael
224,Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!,Michael
225,What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She’s my ex-lover! …ish.,Michael
226,"Business is like a jungle. And I… am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger’s head. We don’t have the technology.",Michael
227,"Dwight, can I talk to you for a second?",Michael
228,"Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just… let it go. And walk away. And they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn’t translate.",Michael
229,"Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, and I’m making him do my laundry for a year.",Michael
230,I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.,Michael
231,"That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I’m sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.",Michael
232,"There are five stages to grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they’re all denying the fact that they’re sad. And that’s hard. And it’s making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.",Michael
233,"Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.",Michael
234,"Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I’ve had more time to be sad.",Michael
235,"I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, “Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?” These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats.",Michael
236,"I found an exercise in Toby’s binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, “I don’t wanna do that. I don’t wanna talk about that. That is too private.” Here’s how it works. I’m going to throw you this ball.",Michael
237,...,Michael
238,"Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.",Michael
239,"Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.",Michael
240,"Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I’m just going to have my soft pretzel, then I’ll get to work, and I’ll be super productive. Look out for me.",Michael
241,"Oh, shhh… Come on.",Michael
242,"Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it it’s ada blah blah blah, it’s so super fun and it’s going to be great. Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.",Michael
243,"I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di… don’t really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don’t want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.",Michael
244,My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It’s just sex. People… everybody does it. I’m doing it… with Carol! Probably tonight.,Michael
245,"All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?",Michael
246,"I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she’s allergic to hay. So I said, “Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks,” and she’s like “I don’t like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication.” And I’m like, “Well you’re really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night.” And she’s like, “What the hell are you talking about?” And I’m like, “I’m kidding. I didn’t put a roof…” … We laughed so hard… It was hilarious… oh… So yes, I’m very excited about the Diwali party.",Michael
247,"It is an outrage, that’s all. It’s… hey’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see Josh replace these people. Let’s see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don’t. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.",Michael
248,Pictures. Memories. Look at that. They grow up so fast.,Michael
249,This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.,Michael
250,"Okay, this is it. This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he’s like “Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You’re a bad person.” It’s very dramatic. Although, I can’t say I was a big fan of ‘Bowling for Columbine’, because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like ‘Kingpin’. And it wasn’t. It was something else.",Michael
251,"My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That’s all I’m going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus.",Michael
252,"You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So… As far as I’m concerned, this says ‘World’s Best Dad’.",Michael
253,You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.,Michael
254,"Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don’t we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For… drum roll, please , the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!",Michael
255,I am so scared… when people don’t label their personal food.,Michael
256,People hate people that are different from them. That’s natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the ‘Integration Celebration’. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.,Michael
257,"The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.",Michael
258,"Hey, girls. What’s happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle.",Michael
259,"Can’t we all get along? No, we can’t. But here’s the thing: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences? No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can’t. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration.",Michael
260,Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy… who went to prison for… polluting a black guy’s lake.,Michael
261,"Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants… he says something ordinary like… ‘yo, thats shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.",Michael
262,This place is not prison. It’s… way better than prison.,Michael
263,"Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let’s go!",Michael
264,These people don’t realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.,Michael
265,"Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford… to a convict, to… my friend. Back to a convict. Then to… a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to… a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.",Michael
266,"This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. I’ve got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we’re leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah.",Michael
267,"This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.",Michael
268,Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then … and then suddenly she’s not yo’ ho no mo’.,Michael
269,I honestly don’t see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn’t love his wife just because he’s not sure what she looks like?,Michael
270,"I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn’t score and I’m not sure who’s actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.",Michael
271,"Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There’s this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Umm, It’s all-inclusive…",Michael
272,"William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Love doth be poison.” Brilliant. And a lot of people don’t give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes.",Michael
273,"No, I don’t think I’m asking too much. I think it’s only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that… yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did",Michael
274,"Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don’t make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?",Michael
275,"How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That’s all you need.",Michael
276,"Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That’s all I’m gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.",Michael
277,"I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags.",Michael
278,"Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It’s called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That’s how I want every day to be.",Michael
279,"I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. Waves over Jamaica, $6.99.",Michael
280,"I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can’t afford it, and corporate won’t pay for it. So who’s the real criminal?",Michael
281,"Don’t you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that’s able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I’d… Yes, I will hold.",Michael
282,Here we go.,Michael
283,"Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.",Michael
284,Who’s that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.,Michael
285,It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that’s what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.,Michael
286,"Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.",Michael
287,Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won’t be able to.,Michael
288,"Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis’ wedding. So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don’t already have one. This may be Phyllis’ only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.",Michael
289,I’m sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.,Michael
290,"I’m trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis’ wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won’t be hard, because it’s going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that’s for sure. It’ll probably be on a boat.",Michael
291,"So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can’t.",Michael
292,"Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father’s wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I’m paying for the wedding. Which I’m happy to do. It’s a big day for Phyllis. But it’s an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.",Michael
293,"This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis’ father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies’ man, aren’t you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let’s do it.",Michael
294,Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now… the wedding has no highlight.,Michael
295,"I can’t believe I pushed that… that guy’s lazy ass around all day… until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That’s… well… I got news for you, Albert. If that’s your real name. The show’s not over.",Michael
296,I do. I know a fair amount about fine food… and drink. This is a white.,Michael
297,"The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.",Michael
298,ee… I was meant for you… buppity du bom bu.,Michael
299,They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.,Michael
300,Be careful. Oh no!! Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me!,Michael
301,"A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um… and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. … Really ruined eighth grade for us.",Michael
302,"So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be… a… thingamajig. Or a… a whosi-whatsi. Or… a Whatchamacallit . Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay . And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand . Satisfied?",Michael
303,"It is… a message. It is an inspiration, it is… a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera.",Michael
304,"Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can’t do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing.",Michael
305,"I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple… Kids love candy bars.",Michael
306,"Lets try a little… Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You’re it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for.",Michael
307,"A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It’s um, it’s really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.",Michael
308,"I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician’s code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key…",Michael
309,"“Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?” Well, tonight is so special because my boss’s boss’s boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it’s kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.",Michael
310,Hi.,Michael
311,"Actually, it’s polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.",Michael
312,"It’s been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.",Michael
313,Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It’s funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It’s just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.,Michael
314,"What a weird day. I don’t understand it, but you don’t get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I’ll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they’re the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.",Michael
315,"Wikipedia… is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.",Michael
316,Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws ’em off.,Michael
317,"Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.",Michael
318,"There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.",Michael
319,"Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver’s seat. And make one tiny mistake, you’re dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman’s clothes.",Michael
320,"A boss’s salary isn’t just about money, it is about perks. It… for example, every year I get a $100 gas card… Can’t put a price tag on that.",Michael
321,"Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can’t… I can’t dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can’t shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores… or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don’t know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s… socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn’t have to deal with Missy Elliot.",Michael
322,"Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl’s presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.",Michael
323,"“Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’?!”",Michael
324,"Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men’s Warehouse. I was a greeter. I’d like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make ’em feel like wimps. Not me, I… “Hello, I’m Michael. Welcome to Men’s Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.” … This is one example.",Michael
325,"You may be asking yourself, “What am I doing on a trampoline?” Well, I thought I’d bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here’s the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we’re going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where’s Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I… tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, “Hey! You ever seen a suicide?” And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see… the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think “Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.” But that’s… not why I’m doing this… Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner… Ta-freakin’-da!",Michael
326,"An office… is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That’s the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.",Michael
327,"You know what’s funny? Robin Williams. When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what’s not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five… Now that’s funny.",Michael
328,How do you make depression sexy? How do you… How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon… the conun… the conumbery,Michael
329,"Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I’m going to show them that we have nerfs of steel.",Michael
330,"Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today… And you don’t worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat… And there are no roofs in coal mines.",Michael
331,"We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing… unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.",Michael
332,"Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J.",Michael
333,"Mrs. Allen is our most important client… because every client is our most important client. Even though she’s a pretty unimportant client, really.",Michael
334,"OK, I think that’s good.",Michael
335,"The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don’t act fast, you will lose customers.",Michael
336,"With dissatisfied clients, it doesn’t matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you’re sorry. They’re like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I’m sorry, it will be twice as effective.",Michael
337,The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she’s not our customer anymore.,Michael
338,"Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out.",Michael
339,"And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you’d be the weirdos.",Michael
340,"I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn’t even me. It’s so not fair that they want me to resign.",Michael
341,"In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can’t have fun if they don’t feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time… she pretended she didn’t hear me.",Michael
342,"Let’s face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They’re caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But… for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.",Michael
343,"Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.",Michael
344,"Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it’s uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand.",Michael
345,I got shotgun. Damn it.,Michael
346,Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!,Michael
347,"Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit.",Michael
348,Idiot.,Michael
349,"I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn’t like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can’t believe I’m gonna say this, maybe, women don’t understand themselves.",Michael
350,"OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus.",Michael
351,I want today to be a beautiful memory… that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it… then it’ll suck.,Michael
352,What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.,Michael
353,This way to the partay bus.,Michael
354,Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. Watch out for snakes!,Michael
355,"Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.",Michael
356,"Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.",Michael
357,I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.,Michael
358,Andy Bernard. Pros: He’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him.,Michael
359,A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success.,Michael
360,"Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor.",Michael
361,Ready! Go!,Michael
362,"Andy Bernard is in first place with four hot dogs! Dwight Schrute is a close second with three and a half! Here comes Stanley! Here comes Stanley, with three hot dogs!",Michael
363,"This is an inflatable sumo suit. Now, in the olden days, when they wanted to find a guy who could be king, they would have him pull a sword out of a stone. Well, times have changed. And it’s not even about who is the best sumo wrestler. It’s about who is the best boss. And I don’t even care who wins. It’s how they wrestle in a blow-up suit… that will tell me all I need to know or how sumo…",Michael
364,"I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I’ll be like three hours late.",Michael
365,"Okay. Jan, we need to talk.",Michael
366,"Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out.",Michael
367,"No. No, no, no, no. I’ll tell you this, it is",Michael
368,"Here’s the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I’m in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.",Michael
369,"Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I’ll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, I would like to start saying my goodbyes Okay. Goodnight, and good luck.",Michael
370,"I am by far the most qualified person they’re interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They’re like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy… is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.",Michael
371,"New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he’s a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so… free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win.",Michael
372,This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um… Andy and Dwight are rockin’ the sales team. I feel very blessed.,Michael
373,"So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?",Michael
374,"Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me… No, don’t sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I’m trying to make.",Michael
375,Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.,Michael
376,"Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I’m not superstitious, but… I’m… I am a little-stitious.",Michael
377,"Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus’ dad?",Michael
378,"A woman shouldn’t have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I’m hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.",Michael
379,"Check that out. Look at me, I’m Toby, I’m stretching, I know what I’m doing. Why is he even here?",Michael
380,Rabies victims… have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So… least I could do.,Michael
381,"Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I’m getting a stitch.",Michael
382,"I am not going to finish. I can’t beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it.",Michael
383,"Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That’s why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I’m very, very proud of that.",Michael
384,Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don’t know whose fault it was. I wasn’t exactly looking at the road.,Michael
385,"On the one hand, it’s a relief to know that it’s not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.",Michael
386,"Yeah, the, uh, the charity’s having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That’s actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman’s Ranch with Newman’s Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make… I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone but I won’t do it.",Michael
387,"Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um… I kinda wish I’d been hit by a car.",Michael
388,"Hey, doc? You forgetting something? Thank you.",Michael
389,Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.,Michael
390,"Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, “Dude, we’re friends. I’m doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we’ll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.” His words.",Michael
391,"We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that’s who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.",Michael
392,Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?,Michael
393,"Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it’s birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP’s, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City’s finest, and I do not mean policemen…",Michael
394,"Well the invitation says VIP’s only. Is this how you treat your VIP’s, Ryan? We’re already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I’m going to throw up. I’m throwing up. You’re making me throw up, Ryan.",Michael
395,You know what this is like? I’ll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn’t let any of the Seniors go.,Michael
396,"This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn’t as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I’m not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.",Michael
397,"Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do?",Michael
398,Steak! Where’s my steeaaak?,Michael
399,"Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.",Michael
400,"Use to have two cars, traded ’em in, now we’re down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.",Michael
401,"I’m sorry Mr. O’Brian, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won’t be that fast, but it will–– it will be that easy.",Michael
402,"Yes I forgot about Ryan’s presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery.",Michael
403,"I’ve never done this before. I’ve never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history.",Michael
404,"I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.",Michael
405,"I’ve always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I’ve already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I’m a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That’s the life.",Michael
406,I… DECLARE… BANKRUPTCY!,Michael
407,"What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I’m getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.",Michael
408,I’ve been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn’t even like. No.,Michael
409,"We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so… it’s uh, not too shabby.",Michael
410,"All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn’t even talk yet.",Michael
411,"We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let’s get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I’d like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.",Michael
412,"Well, it’s been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!",Michael
413,"It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time , and bad news isn’t always what it seems. Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. To score. Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.",Michael
414,"You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.",Michael
415,"What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We’re like Animal House.",Michael
416,"We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I’m gonna need some help writing a want ad.",Michael
417,"Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden… is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys.",Michael
418,"When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called “Survivorman.” And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.",Michael
419,Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.,Michael
420,"Day One. I’m in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I’ve brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It’s hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about 2 o’clock in the afternoon. It’s really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don’t hit my corroded artery here…",Michael
421,"There we go. Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts .",Michael
422,I’m going to wear what was once one of my pant legs.,Michael
423,"See, this is a beautiful piece of material This could be used for all sorts of things.",Michael
424,Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.,Michael
425,"I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I’m loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn’t even matter.",Michael
426,"Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.",Michael
427,"I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn’t come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I’m startin’ to feel it a little bit. Ohh… It’s Creed’s birthday. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.",Michael
428,"Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I’ve made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.",Michael
429,"Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn’t want to have to struggle to survive. I don’t need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don’t need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don’t need wide open spaces. Check it out. I can also make it the sky.",Michael
430,"My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn’t come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm… And Jan definitely, if there was room.",Michael
431,What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.,Michael
432,"I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.",Michael
433,What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they’re just hanging me out to dry.,Michael
434,"No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.",Michael
435,"Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids…drinking whiskey and rye, oh why’d you have to go off and die? Why’d you have to go off and die?",Michael
436,"Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI.",Michael
437,"All right, time’s up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward.",Michael
438,"So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It’s a start.",Michael
439,"I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude… that, but the women I’m getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren’t nice, or that have great personalities, they just… They just lack a certain… Crawfordness.",Michael
440,Ryan’s assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.,Michael
441,Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.,Michael
442,"I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I’ve asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They’re just, it’s not… Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls.",Michael
443,"Like I said, it’s not about the horniness, it’s about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don’t, I disagree, I say… let’s hear it for the boys.",Michael
444,"Today is a very special day for me. And it’s really not about me, it’s about my grandkids, it’s about my great grandkids… I can come back here when I’m 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, “That’s me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole…” I dunno, it’s a good feeling.",Michael
445,"I am good person, and sometimes, good people don’t get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. Hey, I don’t get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, “I don’t respect you!” Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don’t get no respect? Airplane food. Why don’t they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don’t get no respect, some–take her, please, for example. If you don’t get no respect, you might be redneck. Respect is niiice. Borat. What’s the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don’t get no respect!",Michael
446,"I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I… jerks don’t deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble… jerk stand.",Michael
447,"Today I’m heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place.",Michael
448,"Yeah, I’m trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being “lured” these days. Thank you Dateline!",Michael
449,"All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck.",Michael
450,Hey! Game over.,Michael
451,"Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she’s hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He’s the most… important thing in my life right now.",Michael
452,"Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.",Michael
453,"Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good.",Michael
454,"Well, kids today have a very short attention span. They are into texting and video games and sex, and they just, they get distracted easily. And today they’re being distracted by the other booths.",Michael
455,"Today is Toby Flenderson’s last day. I couldn’t sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy… There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.",Michael
456,"Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year… uh, as Nana starts to… but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn’t know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. “Michael, buy a motorcycle.” So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.",Michael
457,"Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she’s just an awesome woman from this planet.",Michael
458,"I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin’ for a bruisin’ for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin’.",Michael
459,Oh my God. Ryan… Oh my God.,Michael
460,"Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I’m pretty sure she’s baked on a professional level.",Michael
461,"Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what… wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn’t believe in showing affection, so… sometimes I don’t know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh… I like it!",Michael
462,"Goodbye Toby, it’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise…",Michael
463,"Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby’s goin’ away! See ya! He’s outta here! See ya! He’s outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!",Michael
464,"My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.",Michael
465,"Hi, Jan, it’s Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there’s any details you need to fill me in on, like… what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I… will see you tomorrow morning. I am going to be… kind of a daddy.",Michael
466,"This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.",Michael
467,"Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who’s your daddy? You don’t know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don’t. Come on. Let’s go in.",Michael
468,What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went — I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.,Michael
469,"Oh, Holly doesn’t need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.",Michael
470,"Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.",Michael
471,It’s my sumo suit. I just didn’t inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.,Michael
472,I can’t wait to be a father. I’m going to smother that baby.,Michael
473,“Why are you helping her? You’re not even dating.” She’s my friend… and… ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship… without her even knowing. Uh…,Michael
474,I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don’t want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers.,Michael
475,"How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, “I told you so.” Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it’s a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? … Probably the funny way.",Michael
476,It is going to be the happiest day of my life.,Michael
477,"It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It’s like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is… it’s so bizarre and unnatural, but… it, it happens.",Michael
478,"I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably – it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.",Michael
479,"I didn’t feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.",Michael
480,"In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where… you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don’t know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I’ll know for sure.",Michael
481,Probably get soup or something light.,Michael
482,So much for sex without consequences.,Michael
483,"We’re gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?",Michael
484,"To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I’m calling it crime-aid. It’s like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.",Michael
485,"Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You’re auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce!",Michael
486,"Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It’s sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of…whether or not I had them-",Michael
487,"When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.",Michael
488,"Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I’m gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.",Michael
489,"Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor’s List. “Schindler’s List” parody. … That’s not appropriate, no.",Michael
490,"Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of….carrots. And, so he’s like “What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.”",Michael
491,"I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.",Michael
492,"My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery…",Michael
493,"A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered.",Michael
494,"Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it’s better to die with people you like… like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie… than to know that there’s somebody out there that you love that you’re not with.",Michael
495,"Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. ‘Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it’s because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off… right to his face… over the hone. That’s respect.",Michael
496,"I learned a while back that if I don’t text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.",Michael
497,"I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil… snail. I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.",Michael
498,"I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.",Michael
499,"No, I don’t-this doesn’t change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.",Michael
500,"What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, you should know that some people think it’s cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.",Michael
501,"Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn’t left India.",Michael
502,"An intervention. It’s sort of hard to describe, but really its– it’s a coming together… it’s a surprise party for people who are– who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.",Michael
503,"You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That’s my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I’m not going to wish that on her. I– a watch would be nice.",Michael
504,As it turns out you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um… I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.,Michael
505,"Today’s a big day. My presence has been requested by Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I’ll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so… probably bad.",Michael
506,"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.",Michael
507,"This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it’s cooler.",Michael
508,"Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here’s an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. Ahh!",Michael
509,"In nature, there is something called a food chain; it’s where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.",Michael
510,"Nobody should have to go to work thinking, “Oh, this is the place that I might die today.” That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.",Michael
511,"We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his… when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can’t get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.",Michael
512,Ohmmm… Ohmmm… Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. Ohmmm my God if you’re wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm… ohmmm…,Michael
513,My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. That one makes me think… of death. It’s kinda nice…,Michael
514,So… it wasn’t Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you’re the killer… it’s uh… great twist. Great twist.,Michael
515,I can already feel people’s stress starting to melt. I think they’re very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.,Michael
516,"NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY.",Michael
517,Caw… caw… caw caw… caw…,Michael
518,"You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don’t matter to him, because we’re just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. I’m okay. No, I’m not.",Michael
519,"They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should… better hold onto them pills, just in case.",Michael
520,"I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.",Michael
521,"I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy.",Michael
522,And I turn it on and I say ‘Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.’,Michael
523,...,Michael
524,"Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. They’re very pretty and I wouldn’t want them to fall.",Michael
525,"Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine’s Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.",Michael
526,"These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say “I’m in love I was hit by cupid’s sparrow.” Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.",Michael
527,"It’s going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that’s what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so it’s not too late.",Michael
528,"Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I’ve even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it’s not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it’s about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There’s a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.",Michael
529,"The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It’s probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy.",Michael
530,My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody’s golden ticket idea. That…,Michael
531,"I have an idea for a fancy men’s shoe store called Shoe La La. And it’s just men’s shoes for the special occasions in a man’s life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.",Michael
532,"What am I gonna do? I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I’m gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I’m going to stop worrying about calories.",Michael
533,You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said ‘Yes’ to that either.,Michael
534,"People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana’s investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I’m sure that’s what she would have wanted. Does want.",Michael
535,"You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There’s gotta be some sort of secret office that you have… lurkin’ around… some awesome, free, keep it off the books… Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating.",Michael
536,"I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That’s what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up. She was the man. Don’t think a woman can be a man? Well, then that’s your stereotype, not mine.",Michael
537,"I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!",Michael
538,"I don’t know I think we’ve done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I’ve updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.",Michael
539,"I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service.",Michael
540,"They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?",Michael
541,"Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That’ll show ’em.",Michael
542,"Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don’t have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what’s important.",Michael
543,"I color code all my info. I wrote “gay son” in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means “Orange you glad you didn’t bring it up?” Most colors mean “Don’t say it.”",Michael
544,"I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn’t feel as important though. That’s just how the world works, I guess.",Michael
545,"He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can’t make you feel good, then I don’t want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads.",Michael
546,Betrayal ain’t just a river in Egypt.,Michael
547,"Time to make the donuts. Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won’t do it again. Come on. De-nied!",Michael
548,"Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! Hey Pam.",Michael
549,"Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. Um, I’m going to have to… ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we’re just going to need a much, much bigger check.",Michael
550,There are certain defining moments in a person’s life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.,Michael
551,"When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.",Michael
552,"The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with.",Michael
553,"No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways. From my point of view, from their point of view…98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong. I’m the bad guy.",Michael
554,I have a very difficult decision to make. It’s like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie’s Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.,Michael
555,"Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tip-toeing around corporate – it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso.",Michael
556,"At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don’t know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan everyday. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people.",Michael
557,"Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There’s no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone.Charles is gone.",Michael
558,"Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster’s People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don’t know. It’s like Dave died or something.",Michael
559,"Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you’re just some terrible monster.",Michael
560,I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.,Michael
561,It’s better than I imagined it!,Michael
562,My grandpa was the funnest guy I ever knew. He would sing. He would dance. He would….fall down. But then…he started going to these meetings and everything changed. He…stopped going out at night. He got a job. The fun just dried up. It was really sad. I don’t want that to happen to you guys. I’m not gonna let it happen.,Michael
563,...,Michael
564,"I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I’m going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: “Holly, you and I are soup snakes.” The-and the reason is… because… in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn’t make any sense. We’re soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.",Michael
565,"I didn’t find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and… Maybe one year she’ll be with somebody, and the next year, I’ll be with somebody, and it’s gonna take a long time… And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush.",Michael
566,"I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it’s not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn’t exist. Or that the sport doesn’t exist? I should’ve known. Poopball?",Michael
567,"I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody’s attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention.",Michael
568,"How do you un-tell something? You can’t. You can’t put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that’s been said is untrue, including “Stanley is having an affair.” It’s like the end of Spartacus. I’ve seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don’t know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.",Michael
569,"Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So… you can’t stop love, I guess and quite frankly, I don’t think you should ever try.",Michael
570,"Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off… to the bathroom… while the other two have a secret meeting.",Michael
571,"What is Jim telling him? That I can’t handle this job? That ‘s bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve… I left my cell phone here.",Michael
572,Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I’m completely overwhelmed.,Michael
573,"You know when they say it’s so crazy it just might work? Well, I don’t believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant.",Michael
574,I can’t help but feel partially responsible.,Michael
575,Pam and Jim’s wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.,Michael
576,"When Mary was denied a room at the inn… Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don’t know what happens because that story hasn’t been told yet.",Michael
577,"They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me… up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.",Michael
578,"I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma… and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she’s better than everybody.",Michael
579,Why don’t you take a picture. It’ll last longer. God. Can’t I get a little privacy?,Michael
580,"The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I’m not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman…",Michael
581,"There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It’s like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.",Michael
582,"If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn’t tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.",Michael
583,Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I’ve been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him.,Michael
584,"That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.",Michael
585,"I don’t need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam’s mom, my aunt… although she just blocked me on IM, what’s her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.",Michael
586,I am going to scare these kids so bad.,Michael
587,Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?,Michael
588,"Jim’s a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh… why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?",Michael
589,I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he’d have to put on my suit and it’d be too short and he’d look… Damn it! He’d still look good.,Michael
590,Ok.,Michael
591,Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.,Michael
592,"Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch– there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It’ll cure all of your “Gee I don’t know if Michael should be dating my mother” and fixes all occurrences of “I don’t really see them together”. So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.",Michael
593,The only time you should care about a woman’s age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.,Michael
594,Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.,Michael
595,"Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.",Michael
596,Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo’s pay dominatrix’s hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I’m scared I’m gonna love it. Let’s do this.,Michael
597,"As I watched Pam’s big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn’t sound like much, but its enough for me.",Michael
598,"Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents’ divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don’t think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.",Michael
599,I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.,Michael
600,"There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.",Michael
601,"Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title’s important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder’s meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd… and the crowd goes wild.",Michael
602,"I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It’s not even a twirl, it’s a spin. I might do the spin.",Michael
603,Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they’re in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.,Michael
604,"Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don’t be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don’t you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away.",Michael
605,...,Michael
606,"Yes it is a thrill to be honored by one’s company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, ‘Wow. Great job.’ That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks. Limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan. So we’re leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.",Michael
607,Oscar! Oscar! Come on! There he is! There he is! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Dunder Mifflin!,Michael
608,"I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn’t want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I’ve made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.",Michael
609,"If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she’d ask you what you wanted, you would say probably “freedom.” At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.",Michael
610,"I don’t ask for much for Christmas, I really don’t. It’s not like I’m begging people to buy me diamonds and …broach pendants. “Oh buy me something expensive or I’m gonna kill myself.” That’s not – I don’t care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don’t look at me.",Michael
611,"Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that’s one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.",Michael
612,"He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I’m a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.",Michael
613,"I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby’s favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.",Michael
614,I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of… or Pam… or Kevin?,Michael
615,"Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn’t need them touching our asses.",Michael
616,"Oh! Wow. Awesome. For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you.",Michael
617,Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.,Michael
618,No. Don’t like that.,Michael
619,"Mm, nope. Don’t like that.",Michael
620,"There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba –",Michael
621,I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.,Michael
622,There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of ’em.,Michael
623,"Well, that’s not the David Wallace that I remember. That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace’s house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here.",Michael
624,"Hello. Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe’s homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go.",Michael
625,You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That’s the best thing? Really? Ugh.,Michael
626,"Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she’s gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?",Michael
627,"I have been saying the word “manager” a lot, so whenever Jo thinks “manager” she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can’t even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.",Michael
628,"Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.",Michael
629,"Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.",Michael
630,That kid’s going to have a lot of hair.,Michael
631,"Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.",Michael
632,"No, Kevin doesn’t have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won’t kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him… I bet his heart is enlarged, though.",Michael
633,"There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today… I think I’m going to be sick…",Michael
634,"It is St. Patrick’s Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.",Michael
635,"When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don’t care if you’re a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!",Michael
636,Let’s follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn’t like Michael anymore. Hmmm.,Michael
637,"Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would’ve turned thirty. That’s just – that’s just depressing.",Michael
638,"Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it’s kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.",Michael
639,"Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing Some people shouldn’t be in this business.",Michael
640,"Well, it’s not exactly fair. He’s got all of his weight that’s helping him go down.",Michael
641,"Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything.",Michael
642,"Hi, I’m date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?",Michael
643,"I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.",Michael
644,I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.,Michael
645,Did you have a… did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.,Michael
646,"I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country should learn how to speak Spanish. They are our neighbors to the South, and this would be a healing thing for… for all of North America. And… I am going on vacation next week to Cancun.",Michael
647,"There’s this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna, the manager of Sid & Dexter’s and, right now, we’re in the midst of a passionate love affair. Um, no. But she is coming by today. Maybe to buy some printers, so…",Michael
648,"It’s subtle. That’s how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. 	And then she looks at me, then back at me, then back at the image. Soon, she doesn’t know what is me, what is the image. She just knows that she’s turned on.",Michael
649,"What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped, given up, after two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment. I still would have seen it, but that’s not… the point.",Michael
650,You know what? It doesn’t matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts. I did do it!,Michael
651,"Ooh! Things with Donna are so… oh-ho-ho! They’re going great. I, uh… we’re just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and… orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I’m actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!",Michael
652,"Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that’s what’s killing me.",Michael
653,"Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. But I figured I’d rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. The second time… I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time… I did it out of spite.",Michael
654,"I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband… or you took a random poll, yeah, it’s wrong.",Michael
655,I have got big balls.,Michael
656,"How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. Like a grownup. That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I’m a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day, we have to do what’s right. And it was either living with myself or… being happy. And I picked… the… former.",Michael
657,"Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I’m like, what? All right. So I do it. It’s on TV last night. And it’s in the paper today. And it’s online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It’s like, come on, people, enough.",Michael
658,"Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It’s not even that interesting a baby otter, it can’t even stand up. It’s trying to stand up… there it goes.",Michael
659,"I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he’s probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don’t know what is.",Michael
660,Two whistleblowers… two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.,Michael
661,"Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but… I have an early dinner that I need to get to… with the Chief of Police.",Michael
662,"We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?",Michael
663,"I suppose summer had to end sometime. It’s sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw ‘Inception.’ Or at least I dreamt I did.",Michael
664,"And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.",Michael
665,"Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of ‘Ace Ventura II’ and that was ’95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.",Michael
666,"Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he’ll slow down, and I’ll push him again. That’s the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It’s all about give and take, but mostly it’s about pushing each other.",Michael
667,"Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn’t. These things seldom work out. I don’t know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they’d be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat’s off to them.",Michael
668,"Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It’s over. It’s done. But my punishment is … um … worse than hell.",Michael
669,"Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.",Michael
670,"They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy’s play, they took mine.",Michael
671,Boo! Boo!,Michael
672,I don’t like that at all.,Michael
673,There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves… other things as well.,Michael
674,I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong…,Michael
675,"Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike.",Michael
676,"How do I feel about losing the sale? It’s like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned.",Michael
677,"This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don’t even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer.",Michael
678,"A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! Six seconds, MacGruber! Pam’s got a lot of fun stuff planned! Uh, two seconds MacGruber! Including a… costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board… OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! MACGRUBERRRR!",Michael
679,Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I’d like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they’re missing.,Michael
680,Friends fight. Friends fight.,Michael
681,"I invited everyone in the office because it’s not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate… my joy. And our, all of ours joys.",Michael
682,"I don’t even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that’s not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.",Michael
683,"Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It’s as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That’s great, because, you know, the paper industry’s not gonna last forever.",Michael
684,I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.,Michael
685,Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We’re proud of you. Bye. Okay.,Michael
686,See you in a few months.,Michael
687,There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it!,Michael
688,"Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? Well kiddo, I was there. I was there… And I’ll tell you what. You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.",Michael
689,"Gabe likes to entertain a lot, ad he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different life style. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So I’ll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I’m ready for bed!",Michael
690,Okay… Alright.,Michael
691,"Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl’s gonna turn my hair gray.",Michael
692,"My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight.",Michael
693,So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? I don’t care.,Michael
694,"Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar?",Michael
695,"My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that’s what I want. That’s what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.",Michael
696,"Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person’s breath away.",Michael
697,"There’s nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what’s better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?",Michael
698,"I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don’t. And that’s just the way it is. And I can be mature about that.",Michael
699,Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain’t Tara.,Michael
700,I am dead inside.,Michael
701,"January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let’s switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let’s push through. We’ll do this.",Michael
702,"Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year’s or they break up. Now, if she’s engaged, I’m gonna go crazy, and I’m gonna start attacking people. If she’s not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.",Michael
703,My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it’s from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.,Michael
704,"I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character “Mikanos”, is just a little added flava. “Mikanos” is loosely based on another character I do, “Spiros”, who is more about the ladies.",Michael
705,"Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened… to me. To Holly, it’s been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That’s what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.",Michael
706,"Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. Nope, get away. No, that’s enough. Ok.",Michael
707,Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don’t get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You’re so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That’s a metaphor I guess. You are disgusting. You’ll never find love. Yekkk. Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? I’m being serious. Seriously.,Michael
708,"Holly and I are dating. It’s been a week, and I still can’t believe it. It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can’t work for it. It just comes to you.",Michael
709,"No, no, it’s great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises.",Michael
710,Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.,Michael
711,"Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me.",Michael
712,"After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.",Michael
713,"Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight.",Michael
714,Dwight does not play a robot.,Michael
715,Bingo.,Michael
716,"By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.",Michael
717,That was not scripted.,Michael
718,"Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.",Michael
719,"I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I’ve only seen Antz, but I’ll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug’s Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is… I thought Bug’s Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don’t listen to your critics, listen to your fans.",Michael
720,Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? Okay then who wants to watch the rest?!,Michael
721,"We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.",Michael
722,...,Michael
723,...,Michael
724,Some breakfast for me and some breakfast for you.,Michael
725,"Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.",Michael
726,"It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who’s here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.",Michael
727,"Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter’s boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I’m just kidding. I’m kidding. I’m actually calling because I’m in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you… which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn’t a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.",Michael
728,No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.,Michael
729,"Deangelo’s great. I love the guy. But I’m not sure he’s a great fit for the office. And also, I’m not sure if I love the guy.",Michael
730,"The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn’t just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on.",Michael
731,"Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! Come on up here you sick bastard.",Michael
732,"Yeah, okay. Well this is gonna hurt like a mother.",Michael
733,"Sad? No, no, no. I don’t leave ’til tomorrow, so… Tomorrow I will be a wreck.",Michael
734,"I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. I still need something to drink out of though.",Michael
735,"It looks like a It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody!",Michael
736,"Catch you guys- Catch you guys on the filippity flip. Flippity flip! Flippity flip! Really? Okay, see ya guys!",Michael
737,...,Michael
738,"Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don’t be. It’s going to be okay.",Michael
739,Yeah I was tripling up. There’s not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.,Michael
740,"Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let’s go! Hurry up, let’s do this!",Michael
741,"Got almost everybody. So… Holly’s my family now. She’s my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just… when you get down to it… your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don’t understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?",Michael
742,"Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright… Oh! This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. That’s what she said!",Michael