quote_id,quote,character
0,"Yes, I’d like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You’re a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I’m sorry. OK. I’m sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to, so… She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so… So that’s the way it’s done.",Michael
1,"People say I am the best boss. They go, “God we’ve never worked in a place like this before. You’re hilarious.” “And you get the best out of us.” I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.",Michael
2,"Corporate really doesn’t really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because… well, not because I’m scared of her. Because I’m not. But, um… Yeah.",Michael
3,"Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.",Michael
4,"I think I’m a role model here. I think I garner people’s respect. Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.",Michael
5,"People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope… Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it’s really beyond words. It’s really incalculable.",Michael
6,"What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It’s the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, “Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?” Wow. Wow. Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.",Michael
7,"Today is diversity day and someone’s going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It’s something that I’ve been pushing, that I’ve been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it’s very important that we have this. I’m very, very excited.",Michael
8,"How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I’m white and Chris is black?",Michael
9,Kevin is a great guy. He’s a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.,Michael
10,"“I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness…” Open-mindedness, is that even a word? “…into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.” He’s going to lose it when he reads that.",Michael
11,"Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.",Michael
12,"I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore… Don’t look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and… Take a card, take a card, any card. Um… And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so… I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn’t just an exercise. This is real life. And… I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get ‘er done.",Michael
13,Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There’s this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I’m not going to do it but it’s…,Michael
14,"You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. “Too soon for Arabs.” Maybe next year. Um… You know, the ball’s in their court.",Michael
15,Talk like you’re talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going.,Michael
16,"The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um… Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.",Michael
17,"If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we’ve talked about that already.",Michael
18,"Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn’t matter. The point is, they’re not unhappy anymore. They’re out there thinking, “Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He’s cool. I… what a great guy. I love him. I…",Michael
19,"OK, so I don’t know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?",Michael
20,"When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.",Michael
21,"God, yeah… Ah! This…",Michael
22,"Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. “Hi. I’m Mork from Ork.” Well, I’m Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.",Michael
23,"It looks like there’s gonna be downsizing. And it’s part of my job, but… blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, “You’re fired.” “You’re foir-ed. Uh, you’re foir-ed.” It just makes people sad, and an office can’t function that way. No way. “You’re foir-ed.” I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, “You’re hired, and you can work here as long as you want.” But that’s unrealistic, so…",Michael
24,"Can you get her? She’s right there. That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this… is Meredith’s card. Happy Bird-Day. Um, let’s see. Jim, Jim wrote, “Meredith, I heard you’re turning 46, but, come on, you’re an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.” Not bad, pretty funny, I don’t appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here’s the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I’ve already set the bar really high. And they’re all worried about their jobs, you know. It’s kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, “Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You’re great. Love, Michael.”",Michael
25,"When I retire, I… don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.",Michael
26,"A check for the kids, and for the team.",Michael
27,"I want it to be like… “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Um, well, I don’t, I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what, that was Michael Scott.” “But it was anonymous, how do you know?” “Because I’m him.”",Michael
28,"Today at lunchtime we’re going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they’d put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, “This might be kinda fun.” And so I started messing around and… I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So… you know, it’s really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.",Michael
29,"Classic beginner’s mistake, eating before a game.",Michael
30,"Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. Dwight, I was open. All right, let’s go.",Michael
31,"When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It’s gone, I’m in the zone.",Michael
32,What is wrong with me today?!,Michael
33,"Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don’t know… I might just be a basketball machine. What’s Dunder Mifflin? I’ve never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um… well, that’s probably gonna happen, actually.",Michael
34,"Football is like rock and roll, it’s just bam-bam-boo… And basketball is like jazz, you know? You’re kind of… Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It’s all downbeat, it’s in the pocket, it’s like… Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah…",Michael
35,"Shoot, shoot it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is… You all right Jim? Suck it up.",Michael
36,"Watch the long passes, you guys!",Michael
37,The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don’t win. But we did because we were ahead.,Michael
38,"Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it’s taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, three points. The Question, whew, whew, six points. Nothing but net. Question, who’s the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister.",Michael
39,"Birdie. He’s not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is… if you knew jazz, you’d know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is.",Michael
40,"I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that’s the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she’s in Phoenix. Illuminating.",Michael
41,"I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike.",Michael
42,"Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It’s a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It’s not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!",Michael
43,"I think in order to be a ladies man, it’s imperative that people don’t know you’re a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don’t know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe they’re right? I don’t know.",Michael
44,"Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I’d pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.",Michael
45,"T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it’s just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say “Don’t go there” but that’s… lame.",Michael
46,To Oscar Martinez it’s the “Show Me the Money” award! Yeah!,Michael
47,"This is a little character I like to do , it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson’s classic characters. Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. “Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.” Here’s the problem. There’s no open bar because of Jan and it’s the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It’ll be fine, I just…wish people were going to be drunk.",Michael
48,"“The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I’m psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You’re just a name and number and no one even says hello.” Card!",Michael
49,"Alright, so let’s get this party staaaarrrrted.",Michael
50,Herro everybodeeee. I’m gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.,Michael
51,"It’s so freakin’ hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. Here we go, he’s early with the cue. Here we go.",Michael
52,"Was this year’s Dundies a success? Well, let’s see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.",Michael
53,I have listened to that song so many times and I still don’t know what OPP stands for. Other people’s… Something. I…,Michael
54,"I am king of forwards. It’s how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We’re like ‘Friends’. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.",Michael
55,"Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So…",Michael
56,Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced so he’s really not a part of his family.,Michael
57,"A guy goes to a five dollar… lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says “Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?” This is what’s at stake.",Michael
58,"When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who’s just delivering drugs from one guy to another.",Michael
59,"I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can’t be too careful about what you say. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.",Michael
60,"Times have changed a little. And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.",Michael
61,"There’s a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It’s just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you’ve no place to go but down.",Michael
62,"Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities.",Michael
63,Ryan’s about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I’m like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.,Michael
64,Hey!,Michael
65,"Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I’ve heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.",Michael
66,"When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe… lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me.",Michael
67,"I did not go to business school. You know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So… so it’s not the same thing. At all.",Michael
68,"Hey! I know what’ll impress everybody, I’ll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.",Michael
69,"Okay. Rule five – safety first, i.e. don’t burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer.",Michael
70,Oh… look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.,Michael
71,I’ll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.,Michael
72,It’s not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.,Michael
73,"Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?",Michael
74,"Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?",Michael
75,"I love Halloween. You know, it’s just, it’s just fun. Every year, it’s just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson’s boob. It was topical. People got a… a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.",Michael
76,"All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. Wow, that’s a fast elevator.",Michael
77,"I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends – I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments. And that’s when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.",Michael
78,"You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? “Raging Bull.” Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work… Oh, oh check this out. Come here. There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This’ll be hilarious. Oh, we’re playing phone tag.",Michael
79,"I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.",Michael
80,"God, you look like such an idiot.",Michael
81,"Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.",Michael
82,"That’s why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn’t have to just shout non-sense words. That’s her fault.",Michael
83,"Morning, Pam. Hey.",Michael
84,"No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I’m, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. No, seriously, guys, I’m not, I don’t want to go into it at all. It’s off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.",Michael
85,"I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don’t know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It’s, uh, Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How’s traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. Would you excuse me? No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we’re gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don’t understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you’re still a little bit drunk Excuse me? Excuse me?! I think you’re, yes, why don’t you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn’t slip you something!",Michael
86,"Pam, could I see you in my office?",Michael
87,"My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we’ll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn’t want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn’t want it, we both didn’t want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something’s mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.",Michael
88,"Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn.",Michael
89,"I’m a little confused. ‘Cause first it’s all like kissy-kissy. And then it’s like all regret. Because “Oh, I regret that.” But, “Wait, I’m still gonna call you.” But, but, “We’re just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don’t do your job.” But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business.",Michael
90,Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn’t matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I’m good. I can go home now.,Michael
91,"“I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period.” Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don’t understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask?",Michael
92,"Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that’s right, yes. Um… I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I’m just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get?",Michael
93,"Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was… He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don’t know how she dealt with that as long as she did.",Michael
94,"What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that’s me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot.",Michael
95,The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.,Michael
96,"There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it— And I am not going to tell them that I’ll be reading their e-mails.",Michael
97,"Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim’s tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be… . No.",Michael
98,"There’s always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature’s rule. It’s intimidation mostly, it’s the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.",Michael
99,"Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That’s why I always start with a gun, because you can’t top it, you just can’t.",Michael
100,"Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says “Hey you’re funny, you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.” And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.",Michael
101,"It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G’s. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.",Michael
102,"Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.”",Michael
103,"So Phyllis is basically saying, “Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt’s worth.” I gave Ryan an iPod.",Michael
104,Everyone wants the iPod. It’s a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.,Michael
105,"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.",Michael
106,"Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.",Michael
107,Lampshade on head! It’s happening!,Michael
108,"Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It’s really the greatest day of all time.",Michael
109,Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela’s kind of… Angela’s little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper.,Michael
110,"Dwight is… Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason.",Michael
111,"See, that’s what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, “Man, I wish I got that.” I mean, that’s just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don’t know, it’s just… I don’t know, just makes you kind of feel good.",Michael
112,This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I’m going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.,Michael
113,"I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and… it wasn’t the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I’ve incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.",Michael
114,"Leader… ship. The word “ship” is hidden inside the word “leadership,” as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we’re all in the same boat. Teamwork!",Michael
115,"A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.",Michael
116,"In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It’s nebulose.",Michael
117,"Hey, look! I’m king of the world!",Michael
118,Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.,Michael
119,"I’m in the brig. See? The boat’s not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was… if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.",Michael
120,Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I’m old.,Michael
121,"I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.",Michael
122,"No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I’m not gonna call Jan. She’d just worry… drive down here and make a big thing… Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you?",Michael
123,Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.,Michael
124,You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.,Michael
125,"Yeah, baby, I am feelin’ better. My body’s literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.",Michael
126,The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout “shotgun” when you’re within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.,Michael
127,"Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.",Michael
128,"Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?",Michael
129,"Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.",Michael
130,"Uhhh it’s ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don’t understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?",Michael
131,"People are always coming to me. “Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.” No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a… Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call… More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don’t, I don’t want to live like that. I like it here. I don’t want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.",Michael
132,"I am a big Fear Factor fan. I’m a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um… I can’t stand it , I can’t stay in here another second. No!",Michael
133,"Ed Truck. Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, “Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.” What a jerk. He’s… You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.",Michael
134,"When I was in training, many years ago… not so long ago… I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office . Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that",Michael
135,"Another time, Packer held this guy’s head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn’t hired.",Michael
136,"Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. It was hysterical.",Michael
137,"Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don’t know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn’t do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.",Michael
138,You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.,Michael
139,This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.,Michael
140,"Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, “Uh… no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”",Michael
141,"It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It’s ah… God, these people are so… these are good people. We have fun. We just have fun! Oh, I’m just so sorry that I threw the thing out.",Michael
142,"Women in the workplace… yeah, translation “I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.” Oh! Sorry. ‘Women of the workplace.’ About what? I don’t know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!",Michael
143,"Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You’re a guy… too… sort of. Let’s do this!",Michael
144,"Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let’s just clap.",Michael
145,"Oh, I think it’s going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven’t been there in months.",Michael
146,Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there’s someone down here who shouldn’t be. A little “Good Will Hunting” situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.,Michael
147,Check this out! Look at that! Look at that bwup-bwa! Hello! How are… Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.,Michael
148,Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.,Michael
149,"Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this?",Michael
150,Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?,Michael
151,Ahhh! Excellent.,Michael
152,Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.,Michael
153,"This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine’s Day. It’s New York. City of Love.",Michael
154,"Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.",Michael
155,"The meeting isn’t ’til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m gonna go get me a New York slice.",Michael
156,"Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you’re in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that’s pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here.",Michael
157,"Everybody takes the subway in New York. It’s fast, it’s efficient, gets you there on time. It’s a way to Okay, there’s a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.",Michael
158,"This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it’s, that’s Tina Fey . That’s Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? OH, I’m sorry, I thought you were , OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn’t. So… Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh.",Michael
159,"I would love to live in New York someday. It’s a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It’d be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. OK, umm, I think, that’s either the Hudson or the East, so we’re back, should be back this way. There’s a lotta pressure on me right now. It’s like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it’s over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let’s do it.",Michael
160,"Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won’t. You know, not what this is about.",Michael
161,Oy vey… schmear.,Michael
162,"I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course.",Michael
163,"I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman’s body? The brains. Because I don’t think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff.",Michael
164,"Okay, here’s the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, “Oh there’s nothing between us and stop talking about it.” And “Border-line harassment when you call me at home.” But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine’s Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see.",Michael
165,"Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just… I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you’re awesome! Here’s a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here’s a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.",Michael
166,Dwight is not going to do a job. It’s sad. And they’re expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.,Michael
167,"Confidence, Dwight.",Michael
168,All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It’s a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We’re down here. Right.,Michael
169,"I’m very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. …And now the black guy from the ‘Police Academy’ movies. A robot. Michael Winslow, anyone?",Michael
170,"Dwight gave a great speech. That’s the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?",Michael
171,"Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death.",Michael
172,"Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid’s environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I’m going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in “Raw,” and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in “Daddy Daycare.” both great movies, but, still.",Michael
173,"It’s not that children make me uncomfortable, it’s just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I’ve never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.",Michael
174,"Just compare last year’s order to this year’s. Uh-huh. Yeah, I’m looking at it right now. … Yes. We–yeah, they’re very–they’re different. Yeah, we can stick with last year’s, you’re just going to have to supplement it, somehow.",Michael
175,"Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.",Michael
176,"Alright, nowwww… what kind… of pizza do you like?",Michael
177,"I don’t get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives… They’re adults, for God’s sake.",Michael
178,"Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And… I have a great one . Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.",Michael
179,"Didn’t do background checks of the warehouse guys. Well, I’m sure it’ll be fine.",Michael
180,"Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don’t know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a",Michael
181,"When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids… and… I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me… for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.",Michael
182,"When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn’t even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So…",Michael
183,"Yeah, I’ve been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you’re on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.",Michael
184,"Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would… be… chaos.",Michael
185,"Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don’t know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I’m sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.",Michael
186,"I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.",Michael
187,"Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam’s. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We’re doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.",Michael
188,Ohh… God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?,Michael
189,"OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?",Michael
190,"Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn’t work, everybody would still be in the cage.",Michael
191,"Okay, so Dwight, in your own words – “Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.” “Everyone has called me ‘Dwayne’ all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.”",Michael
192,"“This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.” Gah. “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”",Michael
193,"“Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers’.”",Michael
194,"“By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”",Michael
195,"The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I’ve never had one. They sound awful.",Michael
196,It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.,Michael
197,"One, two.. Didn’t say three, did I?",Michael
198,"But, I’m sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can’t outrun your problems.",Michael
199,And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here’s the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.,Michael
200,"Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we’ve remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.",Michael
201,"There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. “I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.” And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It’s one of my dreams.",Michael
202,Give me some.,Michael
203,"Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I’m not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?",Michael
204,"Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I’ve got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.",Michael
205,"Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn’t hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that’s really more than half the battle.",Michael
206,I would have never called him that if I knew. You don’t… You don’t call retarded people “retards”. It’s bad taste. You call your friends “retards” when they’re acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.,Michael
207,"The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.",Michael
208,"Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it’s all goooooood! I don’t particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually… it is quite beautiful.",Michael
209,"All right, everybody in the conference room! I don’t care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!",Michael
210,"Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love… to other men.",Michael
211,"We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can’t lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love… anyway? Maybe it’s supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar… and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?",Michael
212,"I am glad that today spurred social change. That’s part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn’t, at least we put this matter to bed. …that’s what she said. Or he said.",Michael
213,"Oh, there’s Gill. Oscar’s roommate. I wonder if he knows?",Michael
214,"Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I",Michael
215,"Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He’s been stuck working under Josh, the poor man’s Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.",Michael
216,"I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like the firemen. You don’t leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.",Michael
217,SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.,Michael
218,"Some people need dozens of friends to say, “Hey, look at me, I’m popular.” But not me. I’m very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you’ll just know. Because a real relationship, it… it can’t be forced. It should just come about effortlessly.",Michael
219,"Today I’m headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy.",Michael
220,"A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. “Connecticut.” And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer’s Vette, jump in the Vette, he",Michael
221,"Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he’s doing now. He’s a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the… He doesn’t even get to play in the game, I mean.",Michael
222,Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is… Varsity Blues!,Michael
223,Entourage!,Michael
224,Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!,Michael
225,What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She’s my ex-lover! …ish.,Michael
226,"Business is like a jungle. And I… am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger’s head. We don’t have the technology.",Michael
227,"Dwight, can I talk to you for a second?",Michael
228,"Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just… let it go. And walk away. And they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn’t translate.",Michael
229,"Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, and I’m making him do my laundry for a year.",Michael
230,I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.,Michael
231,"That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I’m sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.",Michael
232,"There are five stages to grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they’re all denying the fact that they’re sad. And that’s hard. And it’s making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.",Michael
233,"Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.",Michael
234,"Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I’ve had more time to be sad.",Michael
235,"I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, “Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?” These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats.",Michael
236,"I found an exercise in Toby’s binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, “I don’t wanna do that. I don’t wanna talk about that. That is too private.” Here’s how it works. I’m going to throw you this ball.",Michael
237,...,Michael
238,"Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.",Michael
239,"Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.",Michael
240,"Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I’m just going to have my soft pretzel, then I’ll get to work, and I’ll be super productive. Look out for me.",Michael
241,"Oh, shhh… Come on.",Michael
242,"Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it it’s ada blah blah blah, it’s so super fun and it’s going to be great. Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.",Michael
243,"I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di… don’t really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don’t want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.",Michael
244,My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It’s just sex. People… everybody does it. I’m doing it… with Carol! Probably tonight.,Michael
245,"All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?",Michael
246,"I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she’s allergic to hay. So I said, “Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks,” and she’s like “I don’t like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication.” And I’m like, “Well you’re really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night.” And she’s like, “What the hell are you talking about?” And I’m like, “I’m kidding. I didn’t put a roof…” … We laughed so hard… It was hilarious… oh… So yes, I’m very excited about the Diwali party.",Michael
247,"It is an outrage, that’s all. It’s… hey’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see Josh replace these people. Let’s see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don’t. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.",Michael
248,Pictures. Memories. Look at that. They grow up so fast.,Michael
249,This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.,Michael
250,"Okay, this is it. This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he’s like “Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You’re a bad person.” It’s very dramatic. Although, I can’t say I was a big fan of ‘Bowling for Columbine’, because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like ‘Kingpin’. And it wasn’t. It was something else.",Michael
251,"My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That’s all I’m going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus.",Michael
252,"You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So… As far as I’m concerned, this says ‘World’s Best Dad’.",Michael
253,You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.,Michael
254,"Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don’t we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For… drum roll, please , the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!",Michael
255,I am so scared… when people don’t label their personal food.,Michael
256,People hate people that are different from them. That’s natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the ‘Integration Celebration’. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.,Michael
257,"The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.",Michael
258,"Hey, girls. What’s happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle.",Michael
259,"Can’t we all get along? No, we can’t. But here’s the thing: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences? No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can’t. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration.",Michael
260,Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy… who went to prison for… polluting a black guy’s lake.,Michael
261,"Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants… he says something ordinary like… ‘yo, thats shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.",Michael
262,This place is not prison. It’s… way better than prison.,Michael
263,"Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let’s go!",Michael
264,These people don’t realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.,Michael
265,"Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford… to a convict, to… my friend. Back to a convict. Then to… a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to… a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.",Michael
266,"This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. I’ve got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we’re leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah.",Michael
267,"This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.",Michael
268,Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then … and then suddenly she’s not yo’ ho no mo’.,Michael
269,I honestly don’t see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn’t love his wife just because he’s not sure what she looks like?,Michael
270,"I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn’t score and I’m not sure who’s actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.",Michael
271,"Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There’s this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Umm, It’s all-inclusive…",Michael
272,"William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Love doth be poison.” Brilliant. And a lot of people don’t give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes.",Michael
273,"No, I don’t think I’m asking too much. I think it’s only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that… yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did",Michael
274,"Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don’t make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?",Michael
275,"How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That’s all you need.",Michael
276,"Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That’s all I’m gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.",Michael
277,"I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags.",Michael
278,"Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It’s called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That’s how I want every day to be.",Michael
279,"I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. Waves over Jamaica, $6.99.",Michael
280,"I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can’t afford it, and corporate won’t pay for it. So who’s the real criminal?",Michael
281,"Don’t you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that’s able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I’d… Yes, I will hold.",Michael
282,Here we go.,Michael
283,"Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.",Michael
284,Who’s that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.,Michael
285,It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that’s what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.,Michael
286,"Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.",Michael
287,Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won’t be able to.,Michael
288,"Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis’ wedding. So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don’t already have one. This may be Phyllis’ only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.",Michael
289,I’m sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.,Michael
290,"I’m trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis’ wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won’t be hard, because it’s going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that’s for sure. It’ll probably be on a boat.",Michael
291,"So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can’t.",Michael
292,"Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father’s wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I’m paying for the wedding. Which I’m happy to do. It’s a big day for Phyllis. But it’s an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.",Michael
293,"This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis’ father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies’ man, aren’t you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let’s do it.",Michael
294,Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now… the wedding has no highlight.,Michael
295,"I can’t believe I pushed that… that guy’s lazy ass around all day… until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That’s… well… I got news for you, Albert. If that’s your real name. The show’s not over.",Michael
296,I do. I know a fair amount about fine food… and drink. This is a white.,Michael
297,"The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.",Michael
298,ee… I was meant for you… buppity du bom bu.,Michael
299,They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.,Michael
300,Be careful. Oh no!! Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me!,Michael
301,"A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um… and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. … Really ruined eighth grade for us.",Michael
302,"So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be… a… thingamajig. Or a… a whosi-whatsi. Or… a Whatchamacallit . Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay . And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand . Satisfied?",Michael
303,"It is… a message. It is an inspiration, it is… a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera.",Michael
304,"Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can’t do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing.",Michael
305,"I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple… Kids love candy bars.",Michael
306,"Lets try a little… Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You’re it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for.",Michael
307,"A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It’s um, it’s really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.",Michael
308,"I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician’s code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key…",Michael
309,"“Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?” Well, tonight is so special because my boss’s boss’s boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it’s kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.",Michael
310,Hi.,Michael
311,"Actually, it’s polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.",Michael
312,"It’s been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.",Michael
313,Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It’s funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It’s just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.,Michael
314,"What a weird day. I don’t understand it, but you don’t get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I’ll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they’re the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.",Michael
315,"Wikipedia… is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.",Michael
316,Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws ’em off.,Michael
317,"Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.",Michael
318,"There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.",Michael
319,"Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver’s seat. And make one tiny mistake, you’re dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman’s clothes.",Michael
320,"A boss’s salary isn’t just about money, it is about perks. It… for example, every year I get a $100 gas card… Can’t put a price tag on that.",Michael
321,"Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can’t… I can’t dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can’t shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores… or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don’t know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s… socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn’t have to deal with Missy Elliot.",Michael
322,"Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl’s presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.",Michael
323,"“Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’?!”",Michael
324,"Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men’s Warehouse. I was a greeter. I’d like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make ’em feel like wimps. Not me, I… “Hello, I’m Michael. Welcome to Men’s Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.” … This is one example.",Michael
325,"You may be asking yourself, “What am I doing on a trampoline?” Well, I thought I’d bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here’s the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we’re going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where’s Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I… tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, “Hey! You ever seen a suicide?” And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see… the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think “Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.” But that’s… not why I’m doing this… Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner… Ta-freakin’-da!",Michael
326,"An office… is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That’s the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.",Michael
327,"You know what’s funny? Robin Williams. When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what’s not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five… Now that’s funny.",Michael
328,How do you make depression sexy? How do you… How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon… the conun… the conumbery,Michael
329,"Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I’m going to show them that we have nerfs of steel.",Michael
330,"Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today… And you don’t worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat… And there are no roofs in coal mines.",Michael
331,"We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing… unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.",Michael
332,"Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J.",Michael
333,"Mrs. Allen is our most important client… because every client is our most important client. Even though she’s a pretty unimportant client, really.",Michael
334,"OK, I think that’s good.",Michael
335,"The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don’t act fast, you will lose customers.",Michael
336,"With dissatisfied clients, it doesn’t matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you’re sorry. They’re like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I’m sorry, it will be twice as effective.",Michael
337,The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she’s not our customer anymore.,Michael
338,"Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out.",Michael
339,"And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you’d be the weirdos.",Michael
340,"I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn’t even me. It’s so not fair that they want me to resign.",Michael
341,"In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can’t have fun if they don’t feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time… she pretended she didn’t hear me.",Michael
342,"Let’s face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They’re caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But… for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.",Michael
343,"Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.",Michael
344,"Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it’s uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand.",Michael
345,I got shotgun. Damn it.,Michael
346,Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!,Michael
347,"Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit.",Michael
348,Idiot.,Michael
349,"I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn’t like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can’t believe I’m gonna say this, maybe, women don’t understand themselves.",Michael
350,"OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus.",Michael
351,I want today to be a beautiful memory… that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it… then it’ll suck.,Michael
352,What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.,Michael
353,This way to the partay bus.,Michael
354,Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. Watch out for snakes!,Michael
355,"Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.",Michael
356,"Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.",Michael
357,I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.,Michael
358,Andy Bernard. Pros: He’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him.,Michael
359,A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success.,Michael
360,"Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor.",Michael
361,Ready! Go!,Michael
362,"Andy Bernard is in first place with four hot dogs! Dwight Schrute is a close second with three and a half! Here comes Stanley! Here comes Stanley, with three hot dogs!",Michael
363,"This is an inflatable sumo suit. Now, in the olden days, when they wanted to find a guy who could be king, they would have him pull a sword out of a stone. Well, times have changed. And it’s not even about who is the best sumo wrestler. It’s about who is the best boss. And I don’t even care who wins. It’s how they wrestle in a blow-up suit… that will tell me all I need to know or how sumo…",Michael
364,"I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I’ll be like three hours late.",Michael
365,"Okay. Jan, we need to talk.",Michael
366,"Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out.",Michael
367,"No. No, no, no, no. I’ll tell you this, it is",Michael
368,"Here’s the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I’m in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.",Michael
369,"Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I’ll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, I would like to start saying my goodbyes Okay. Goodnight, and good luck.",Michael
370,"I am by far the most qualified person they’re interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They’re like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy… is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.",Michael
371,"New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he’s a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so… free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win.",Michael
372,This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um… Andy and Dwight are rockin’ the sales team. I feel very blessed.,Michael
373,"So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?",Michael
374,"Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me… No, don’t sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I’m trying to make.",Michael
375,Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.,Michael
376,"Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I’m not superstitious, but… I’m… I am a little-stitious.",Michael
377,"Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus’ dad?",Michael
378,"A woman shouldn’t have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I’m hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.",Michael
379,"Check that out. Look at me, I’m Toby, I’m stretching, I know what I’m doing. Why is he even here?",Michael
380,Rabies victims… have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So… least I could do.,Michael
381,"Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I’m getting a stitch.",Michael
382,"I am not going to finish. I can’t beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it.",Michael
383,"Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That’s why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I’m very, very proud of that.",Michael
384,Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don’t know whose fault it was. I wasn’t exactly looking at the road.,Michael
385,"On the one hand, it’s a relief to know that it’s not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.",Michael
386,"Yeah, the, uh, the charity’s having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That’s actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman’s Ranch with Newman’s Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make… I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone but I won’t do it.",Michael
387,"Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um… I kinda wish I’d been hit by a car.",Michael
388,"Hey, doc? You forgetting something? Thank you.",Michael
389,Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.,Michael
390,"Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, “Dude, we’re friends. I’m doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we’ll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.” His words.",Michael
391,"We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that’s who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.",Michael
392,Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?,Michael
393,"Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it’s birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP’s, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City’s finest, and I do not mean policemen…",Michael
394,"Well the invitation says VIP’s only. Is this how you treat your VIP’s, Ryan? We’re already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I’m going to throw up. I’m throwing up. You’re making me throw up, Ryan.",Michael
395,You know what this is like? I’ll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn’t let any of the Seniors go.,Michael
396,"This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn’t as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I’m not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.",Michael
397,"Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do?",Michael
398,Steak! Where’s my steeaaak?,Michael
399,"Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.",Michael
400,"Use to have two cars, traded ’em in, now we’re down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.",Michael
401,"I’m sorry Mr. O’Brian, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won’t be that fast, but it will–– it will be that easy.",Michael
402,"Yes I forgot about Ryan’s presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery.",Michael
403,"I’ve never done this before. I’ve never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history.",Michael
404,"I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.",Michael
405,"I’ve always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I’ve already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I’m a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That’s the life.",Michael
406,I… DECLARE… BANKRUPTCY!,Michael
407,"What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I’m getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.",Michael
408,I’ve been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn’t even like. No.,Michael
409,"We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so… it’s uh, not too shabby.",Michael
410,"All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn’t even talk yet.",Michael
411,"We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let’s get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I’d like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.",Michael
412,"Well, it’s been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!",Michael
413,"It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time , and bad news isn’t always what it seems. Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. To score. Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.",Michael
414,"You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.",Michael
415,"What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We’re like Animal House.",Michael
416,"We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I’m gonna need some help writing a want ad.",Michael
417,"Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden… is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys.",Michael
418,"When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called “Survivorman.” And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.",Michael
419,Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.,Michael
420,"Day One. I’m in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I’ve brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It’s hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about 2 o’clock in the afternoon. It’s really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don’t hit my corroded artery here…",Michael
421,"There we go. Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts .",Michael
422,I’m going to wear what was once one of my pant legs.,Michael
423,"See, this is a beautiful piece of material This could be used for all sorts of things.",Michael
424,Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.,Michael
425,"I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I’m loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn’t even matter.",Michael
426,"Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.",Michael
427,"I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn’t come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I’m startin’ to feel it a little bit. Ohh… It’s Creed’s birthday. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.",Michael
428,"Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I’ve made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.",Michael
429,"Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn’t want to have to struggle to survive. I don’t need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don’t need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don’t need wide open spaces. Check it out. I can also make it the sky.",Michael
430,"My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn’t come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm… And Jan definitely, if there was room.",Michael
431,What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.,Michael
432,"I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.",Michael
433,What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they’re just hanging me out to dry.,Michael
434,"No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.",Michael
435,"Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids…drinking whiskey and rye, oh why’d you have to go off and die? Why’d you have to go off and die?",Michael
436,"Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI.",Michael
437,"All right, time’s up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward.",Michael
438,"So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It’s a start.",Michael
439,"I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude… that, but the women I’m getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren’t nice, or that have great personalities, they just… They just lack a certain… Crawfordness.",Michael
440,Ryan’s assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.,Michael
441,Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.,Michael
442,"I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I’ve asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They’re just, it’s not… Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls.",Michael
443,"Like I said, it’s not about the horniness, it’s about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don’t, I disagree, I say… let’s hear it for the boys.",Michael
444,"Today is a very special day for me. And it’s really not about me, it’s about my grandkids, it’s about my great grandkids… I can come back here when I’m 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, “That’s me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole…” I dunno, it’s a good feeling.",Michael
445,"I am good person, and sometimes, good people don’t get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. Hey, I don’t get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, “I don’t respect you!” Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don’t get no respect? Airplane food. Why don’t they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don’t get no respect, some–take her, please, for example. If you don’t get no respect, you might be redneck. Respect is niiice. Borat. What’s the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don’t get no respect!",Michael
446,"I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I… jerks don’t deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble… jerk stand.",Michael
447,"Today I’m heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place.",Michael
448,"Yeah, I’m trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being “lured” these days. Thank you Dateline!",Michael
449,"All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck.",Michael
450,Hey! Game over.,Michael
451,"Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she’s hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He’s the most… important thing in my life right now.",Michael
452,"Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.",Michael
453,"Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good.",Michael
454,"Well, kids today have a very short attention span. They are into texting and video games and sex, and they just, they get distracted easily. And today they’re being distracted by the other booths.",Michael
455,"Today is Toby Flenderson’s last day. I couldn’t sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy… There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.",Michael
456,"Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year… uh, as Nana starts to… but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn’t know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. “Michael, buy a motorcycle.” So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.",Michael
457,"Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she’s just an awesome woman from this planet.",Michael
458,"I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin’ for a bruisin’ for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin’.",Michael
459,Oh my God. Ryan… Oh my God.,Michael
460,"Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I’m pretty sure she’s baked on a professional level.",Michael
461,"Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what… wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn’t believe in showing affection, so… sometimes I don’t know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh… I like it!",Michael
462,"Goodbye Toby, it’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise…",Michael
463,"Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby’s goin’ away! See ya! He’s outta here! See ya! He’s outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!",Michael
464,"My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.",Michael
465,"Hi, Jan, it’s Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there’s any details you need to fill me in on, like… what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I… will see you tomorrow morning. I am going to be… kind of a daddy.",Michael
466,"This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.",Michael
467,"Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who’s your daddy? You don’t know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don’t. Come on. Let’s go in.",Michael
468,What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went — I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.,Michael
469,"Oh, Holly doesn’t need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.",Michael
470,"Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.",Michael
471,It’s my sumo suit. I just didn’t inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.,Michael
472,I can’t wait to be a father. I’m going to smother that baby.,Michael
473,“Why are you helping her? You’re not even dating.” She’s my friend… and… ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship… without her even knowing. Uh…,Michael
474,I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don’t want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers.,Michael
475,"How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, “I told you so.” Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it’s a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? … Probably the funny way.",Michael
476,It is going to be the happiest day of my life.,Michael
477,"It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It’s like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is… it’s so bizarre and unnatural, but… it, it happens.",Michael
478,"I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably – it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.",Michael
479,"I didn’t feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.",Michael
480,"In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where… you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don’t know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I’ll know for sure.",Michael
481,Probably get soup or something light.,Michael
482,So much for sex without consequences.,Michael
483,"We’re gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?",Michael
484,"To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I’m calling it crime-aid. It’s like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.",Michael
485,"Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You’re auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce!",Michael
486,"Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It’s sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of…whether or not I had them-",Michael
487,"When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.",Michael
488,"Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I’m gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.",Michael
489,"Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor’s List. “Schindler’s List” parody. … That’s not appropriate, no.",Michael
490,"Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of….carrots. And, so he’s like “What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.”",Michael
491,"I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.",Michael
492,"My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery…",Michael
493,"A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered.",Michael
494,"Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it’s better to die with people you like… like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie… than to know that there’s somebody out there that you love that you’re not with.",Michael
495,"Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. ‘Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it’s because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off… right to his face… over the hone. That’s respect.",Michael
496,"I learned a while back that if I don’t text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.",Michael
497,"I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil… snail. I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.",Michael
498,"I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.",Michael
499,"No, I don’t-this doesn’t change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.",Michael
500,"What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, you should know that some people think it’s cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.",Michael
501,"Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn’t left India.",Michael
502,"An intervention. It’s sort of hard to describe, but really its– it’s a coming together… it’s a surprise party for people who are– who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.",Michael
503,"You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That’s my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I’m not going to wish that on her. I– a watch would be nice.",Michael
504,As it turns out you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um… I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.,Michael
505,"Today’s a big day. My presence has been requested by Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I’ll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so… probably bad.",Michael
506,"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.",Michael
507,"This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it’s cooler.",Michael
508,"Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here’s an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. Ahh!",Michael
509,"In nature, there is something called a food chain; it’s where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.",Michael
510,"Nobody should have to go to work thinking, “Oh, this is the place that I might die today.” That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.",Michael
511,"We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his… when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can’t get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.",Michael
512,Ohmmm… Ohmmm… Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. Ohmmm my God if you’re wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm… ohmmm…,Michael
513,My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. That one makes me think… of death. It’s kinda nice…,Michael
514,So… it wasn’t Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you’re the killer… it’s uh… great twist. Great twist.,Michael
515,I can already feel people’s stress starting to melt. I think they’re very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.,Michael
516,"NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY.",Michael
517,Caw… caw… caw caw… caw…,Michael
518,"You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don’t matter to him, because we’re just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. I’m okay. No, I’m not.",Michael
519,"They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should… better hold onto them pills, just in case.",Michael
520,"I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.",Michael
521,"I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy.",Michael
522,And I turn it on and I say ‘Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.’,Michael
523,...,Michael
524,"Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. They’re very pretty and I wouldn’t want them to fall.",Michael
525,"Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine’s Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.",Michael
526,"These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say “I’m in love I was hit by cupid’s sparrow.” Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.",Michael
527,"It’s going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that’s what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so it’s not too late.",Michael
528,"Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I’ve even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it’s not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it’s about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There’s a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.",Michael
529,"The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It’s probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy.",Michael
530,My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody’s golden ticket idea. That…,Michael
531,"I have an idea for a fancy men’s shoe store called Shoe La La. And it’s just men’s shoes for the special occasions in a man’s life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.",Michael
532,"What am I gonna do? I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I’m gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I’m going to stop worrying about calories.",Michael
533,You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said ‘Yes’ to that either.,Michael
534,"People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana’s investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I’m sure that’s what she would have wanted. Does want.",Michael
535,"You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There’s gotta be some sort of secret office that you have… lurkin’ around… some awesome, free, keep it off the books… Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating.",Michael
536,"I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That’s what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up. She was the man. Don’t think a woman can be a man? Well, then that’s your stereotype, not mine.",Michael
537,"I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!",Michael
538,"I don’t know I think we’ve done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I’ve updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.",Michael
539,"I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service.",Michael
540,"They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?",Michael
541,"Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That’ll show ’em.",Michael
542,"Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don’t have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what’s important.",Michael
543,"I color code all my info. I wrote “gay son” in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means “Orange you glad you didn’t bring it up?” Most colors mean “Don’t say it.”",Michael
544,"I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn’t feel as important though. That’s just how the world works, I guess.",Michael
545,"He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can’t make you feel good, then I don’t want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads.",Michael
546,Betrayal ain’t just a river in Egypt.,Michael
547,"Time to make the donuts. Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won’t do it again. Come on. De-nied!",Michael
548,"Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! Hey Pam.",Michael
549,"Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. Um, I’m going to have to… ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we’re just going to need a much, much bigger check.",Michael
550,There are certain defining moments in a person’s life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.,Michael
551,"When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.",Michael
552,"The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with.",Michael
553,"No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways. From my point of view, from their point of view…98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong. I’m the bad guy.",Michael
554,I have a very difficult decision to make. It’s like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie’s Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.,Michael
555,"Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tip-toeing around corporate – it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso.",Michael
556,"At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don’t know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan everyday. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people.",Michael
557,"Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There’s no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone.Charles is gone.",Michael
558,"Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster’s People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don’t know. It’s like Dave died or something.",Michael
559,"Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you’re just some terrible monster.",Michael
560,I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.,Michael
561,It’s better than I imagined it!,Michael
562,My grandpa was the funnest guy I ever knew. He would sing. He would dance. He would….fall down. But then…he started going to these meetings and everything changed. He…stopped going out at night. He got a job. The fun just dried up. It was really sad. I don’t want that to happen to you guys. I’m not gonna let it happen.,Michael
563,...,Michael
564,"I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I’m going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: “Holly, you and I are soup snakes.” The-and the reason is… because… in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn’t make any sense. We’re soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.",Michael
565,"I didn’t find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and… Maybe one year she’ll be with somebody, and the next year, I’ll be with somebody, and it’s gonna take a long time… And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush.",Michael
566,"I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it’s not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn’t exist. Or that the sport doesn’t exist? I should’ve known. Poopball?",Michael
567,"I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody’s attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention.",Michael
568,"How do you un-tell something? You can’t. You can’t put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that’s been said is untrue, including “Stanley is having an affair.” It’s like the end of Spartacus. I’ve seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don’t know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.",Michael
569,"Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So… you can’t stop love, I guess and quite frankly, I don’t think you should ever try.",Michael
570,"Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off… to the bathroom… while the other two have a secret meeting.",Michael
571,"What is Jim telling him? That I can’t handle this job? That ‘s bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve… I left my cell phone here.",Michael
572,Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I’m completely overwhelmed.,Michael
573,"You know when they say it’s so crazy it just might work? Well, I don’t believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant.",Michael
574,I can’t help but feel partially responsible.,Michael
575,Pam and Jim’s wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.,Michael
576,"When Mary was denied a room at the inn… Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don’t know what happens because that story hasn’t been told yet.",Michael
577,"They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me… up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.",Michael
578,"I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma… and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she’s better than everybody.",Michael
579,Why don’t you take a picture. It’ll last longer. God. Can’t I get a little privacy?,Michael
580,"The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I’m not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman…",Michael
581,"There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It’s like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.",Michael
582,"If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn’t tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.",Michael
583,Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I’ve been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him.,Michael
584,"That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.",Michael
585,"I don’t need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam’s mom, my aunt… although she just blocked me on IM, what’s her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.",Michael
586,I am going to scare these kids so bad.,Michael
587,Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?,Michael
588,"Jim’s a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh… why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?",Michael
589,I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he’d have to put on my suit and it’d be too short and he’d look… Damn it! He’d still look good.,Michael
590,Ok.,Michael
591,Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.,Michael
592,"Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch– there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It’ll cure all of your “Gee I don’t know if Michael should be dating my mother” and fixes all occurrences of “I don’t really see them together”. So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.",Michael
593,The only time you should care about a woman’s age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.,Michael
594,Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.,Michael
595,"Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.",Michael
596,Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo’s pay dominatrix’s hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I’m scared I’m gonna love it. Let’s do this.,Michael
597,"As I watched Pam’s big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn’t sound like much, but its enough for me.",Michael
598,"Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents’ divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don’t think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.",Michael
599,I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.,Michael
600,"There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.",Michael
601,"Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title’s important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder’s meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd… and the crowd goes wild.",Michael
602,"I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It’s not even a twirl, it’s a spin. I might do the spin.",Michael
603,Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they’re in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.,Michael
604,"Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don’t be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don’t you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away.",Michael
605,...,Michael
606,"Yes it is a thrill to be honored by one’s company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, ‘Wow. Great job.’ That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks. Limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan. So we’re leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.",Michael
607,Oscar! Oscar! Come on! There he is! There he is! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Dunder Mifflin!,Michael
608,"I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn’t want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I’ve made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.",Michael
609,"If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she’d ask you what you wanted, you would say probably “freedom.” At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.",Michael
610,"I don’t ask for much for Christmas, I really don’t. It’s not like I’m begging people to buy me diamonds and …broach pendants. “Oh buy me something expensive or I’m gonna kill myself.” That’s not – I don’t care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don’t look at me.",Michael
611,"Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that’s one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.",Michael
612,"He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I’m a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.",Michael
613,"I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby’s favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.",Michael
614,I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of… or Pam… or Kevin?,Michael
615,"Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn’t need them touching our asses.",Michael
616,"Oh! Wow. Awesome. For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you.",Michael
617,Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.,Michael
618,No. Don’t like that.,Michael
619,"Mm, nope. Don’t like that.",Michael
620,"There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba –",Michael
621,I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.,Michael
622,There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of ’em.,Michael
623,"Well, that’s not the David Wallace that I remember. That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace’s house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here.",Michael
624,"Hello. Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe’s homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go.",Michael
625,You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That’s the best thing? Really? Ugh.,Michael
626,"Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she’s gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?",Michael
627,"I have been saying the word “manager” a lot, so whenever Jo thinks “manager” she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can’t even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.",Michael
628,"Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.",Michael
629,"Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.",Michael
630,That kid’s going to have a lot of hair.,Michael
631,"Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.",Michael
632,"No, Kevin doesn’t have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won’t kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him… I bet his heart is enlarged, though.",Michael
633,"There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today… I think I’m going to be sick…",Michael
634,"It is St. Patrick’s Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.",Michael
635,"When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don’t care if you’re a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!",Michael
636,Let’s follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn’t like Michael anymore. Hmmm.,Michael
637,"Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would’ve turned thirty. That’s just – that’s just depressing.",Michael
638,"Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it’s kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.",Michael
639,"Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing Some people shouldn’t be in this business.",Michael
640,"Well, it’s not exactly fair. He’s got all of his weight that’s helping him go down.",Michael
641,"Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything.",Michael
642,"Hi, I’m date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?",Michael
643,"I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.",Michael
644,I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.,Michael
645,Did you have a… did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.,Michael
646,"I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country should learn how to speak Spanish. They are our neighbors to the South, and this would be a healing thing for… for all of North America. And… I am going on vacation next week to Cancun.",Michael
647,"There’s this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna, the manager of Sid & Dexter’s and, right now, we’re in the midst of a passionate love affair. Um, no. But she is coming by today. Maybe to buy some printers, so…",Michael
648,"It’s subtle. That’s how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. 	And then she looks at me, then back at me, then back at the image. Soon, she doesn’t know what is me, what is the image. She just knows that she’s turned on.",Michael
649,"What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped, given up, after two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment. I still would have seen it, but that’s not… the point.",Michael
650,You know what? It doesn’t matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts. I did do it!,Michael
651,"Ooh! Things with Donna are so… oh-ho-ho! They’re going great. I, uh… we’re just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and… orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I’m actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!",Michael
652,"Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that’s what’s killing me.",Michael
653,"Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. But I figured I’d rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. The second time… I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time… I did it out of spite.",Michael
654,"I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband… or you took a random poll, yeah, it’s wrong.",Michael
655,I have got big balls.,Michael
656,"How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. Like a grownup. That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I’m a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day, we have to do what’s right. And it was either living with myself or… being happy. And I picked… the… former.",Michael
657,"Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I’m like, what? All right. So I do it. It’s on TV last night. And it’s in the paper today. And it’s online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It’s like, come on, people, enough.",Michael
658,"Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It’s not even that interesting a baby otter, it can’t even stand up. It’s trying to stand up… there it goes.",Michael
659,"I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he’s probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don’t know what is.",Michael
660,Two whistleblowers… two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.,Michael
661,"Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but… I have an early dinner that I need to get to… with the Chief of Police.",Michael
662,"We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?",Michael
663,"I suppose summer had to end sometime. It’s sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw ‘Inception.’ Or at least I dreamt I did.",Michael
664,"And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.",Michael
665,"Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of ‘Ace Ventura II’ and that was ’95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.",Michael
666,"Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he’ll slow down, and I’ll push him again. That’s the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It’s all about give and take, but mostly it’s about pushing each other.",Michael
667,"Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn’t. These things seldom work out. I don’t know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they’d be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat’s off to them.",Michael
668,"Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It’s over. It’s done. But my punishment is … um … worse than hell.",Michael
669,"Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.",Michael
670,"They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy’s play, they took mine.",Michael
671,Boo! Boo!,Michael
672,I don’t like that at all.,Michael
673,There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves… other things as well.,Michael
674,I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong…,Michael
675,"Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike.",Michael
676,"How do I feel about losing the sale? It’s like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned.",Michael
677,"This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don’t even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer.",Michael
678,"A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! Six seconds, MacGruber! Pam’s got a lot of fun stuff planned! Uh, two seconds MacGruber! Including a… costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board… OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! MACGRUBERRRR!",Michael
679,Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I’d like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they’re missing.,Michael
680,Friends fight. Friends fight.,Michael
681,"I invited everyone in the office because it’s not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate… my joy. And our, all of ours joys.",Michael
682,"I don’t even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that’s not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.",Michael
683,"Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It’s as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That’s great, because, you know, the paper industry’s not gonna last forever.",Michael
684,I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.,Michael
685,Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We’re proud of you. Bye. Okay.,Michael
686,See you in a few months.,Michael
687,There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it!,Michael
688,"Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? Well kiddo, I was there. I was there… And I’ll tell you what. You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.",Michael
689,"Gabe likes to entertain a lot, ad he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different life style. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So I’ll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I’m ready for bed!",Michael
690,Okay… Alright.,Michael
691,"Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl’s gonna turn my hair gray.",Michael
692,"My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight.",Michael
693,So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? I don’t care.,Michael
694,"Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar?",Michael
695,"My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that’s what I want. That’s what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.",Michael
696,"Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person’s breath away.",Michael
697,"There’s nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what’s better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?",Michael
698,"I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don’t. And that’s just the way it is. And I can be mature about that.",Michael
699,Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain’t Tara.,Michael
700,I am dead inside.,Michael
701,"January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let’s switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let’s push through. We’ll do this.",Michael
702,"Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year’s or they break up. Now, if she’s engaged, I’m gonna go crazy, and I’m gonna start attacking people. If she’s not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.",Michael
703,My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it’s from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.,Michael
704,"I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character “Mikanos”, is just a little added flava. “Mikanos” is loosely based on another character I do, “Spiros”, who is more about the ladies.",Michael
705,"Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened… to me. To Holly, it’s been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That’s what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.",Michael
706,"Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. Nope, get away. No, that’s enough. Ok.",Michael
707,Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don’t get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You’re so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That’s a metaphor I guess. You are disgusting. You’ll never find love. Yekkk. Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? I’m being serious. Seriously.,Michael
708,"Holly and I are dating. It’s been a week, and I still can’t believe it. It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can’t work for it. It just comes to you.",Michael
709,"No, no, it’s great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises.",Michael
710,Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.,Michael
711,"Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me.",Michael
712,"After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.",Michael
713,"Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight.",Michael
714,Dwight does not play a robot.,Michael
715,Bingo.,Michael
716,"By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.",Michael
717,That was not scripted.,Michael
718,"Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.",Michael
719,"I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I’ve only seen Antz, but I’ll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug’s Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is… I thought Bug’s Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don’t listen to your critics, listen to your fans.",Michael
720,Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? Okay then who wants to watch the rest?!,Michael
721,"We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.",Michael
722,...,Michael
723,...,Michael
724,Some breakfast for me and some breakfast for you.,Michael
725,"Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.",Michael
726,"It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who’s here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.",Michael
727,"Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter’s boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I’m just kidding. I’m kidding. I’m actually calling because I’m in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you… which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn’t a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.",Michael
728,No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.,Michael
729,"Deangelo’s great. I love the guy. But I’m not sure he’s a great fit for the office. And also, I’m not sure if I love the guy.",Michael
730,"The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn’t just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on.",Michael
731,"Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! Come on up here you sick bastard.",Michael
732,"Yeah, okay. Well this is gonna hurt like a mother.",Michael
733,"Sad? No, no, no. I don’t leave ’til tomorrow, so… Tomorrow I will be a wreck.",Michael
734,"I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. I still need something to drink out of though.",Michael
735,"It looks like a It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody!",Michael
736,"Catch you guys- Catch you guys on the filippity flip. Flippity flip! Flippity flip! Really? Okay, see ya guys!",Michael
737,...,Michael
738,"Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don’t be. It’s going to be okay.",Michael
739,Yeah I was tripling up. There’s not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.,Michael
740,"Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let’s go! Hurry up, let’s do this!",Michael
741,"Got almost everybody. So… Holly’s my family now. She’s my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just… when you get down to it… your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don’t understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?",Michael
742,"Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright… Oh! This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. That’s what she said!",Michael
743,Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum,Dwight
744,"Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.",Dwight
745,"It’s OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it’s so relaxed. I’m a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That’s sort of one of the rules.",Dwight
746,I could be French.,Dwight
747,Yes. I can do it. I’m your man.,Dwight
748,"I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.",Dwight
749,"Oh, um… Jan wants you to call her.",Dwight
750,"It’s a real shame, ’cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.",Dwight
751,There’s one other thing and this is important. Let’s keep this alliance totally a secret. Don’t tell anyone.,Dwight
752,"I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are… at vision.",Dwight
753,"Can I trust Jim? I don’t know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don’t. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.",Dwight
754,"The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.",Dwight
755,"Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.",Dwight
756,"I have been Michael’s #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you’re going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.",Dwight
757,"Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.",Dwight
758,"A thirty year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.",Dwight
759,"Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It’s a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it’s under the porch.",Dwight
760,Michael’s in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn’t evaluated me in years.,Dwight
761,"Michael and I have a very special connection. He’s like Batman, I’m like Robin. He’s like the Lone Ranger, and I’m like Tonto. And it’s not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto.",Dwight
762,"Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael’s number one. Where is he? Where is he?",Dwight
763,"Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there’s a…",Dwight
764,"Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!",Dwight
765,"Wait, what are you again? Oh, right… Three-hole PUNCH!",Dwight
766,"Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I’m very flattered. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just not sure that it’s my official resume or if it’s something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I’m gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?",Dwight
767,"Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.",Dwight
768,"So you got the fax? So why didn’t you add it to the res… ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I’m dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there… burning. Fine! Okay… oh wait! So you’ll let me know when you’ve made a decis…",Dwight
769,"I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.",Dwight
770,"Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I’ve been hired to protect? No, I did not.",Dwight
771,I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.,Dwight
772,"Do I feel bad that I haven’t bonded with the other students? No, I’m not there to make friends. I’m there to attack people.",Dwight
773,Alyssa? I guess she’s technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let’s see how she does.,Dwight
774,"Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma” in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.",Dwight
775,D-W-I-G-H-T.,Dwight
776,Michael? Michael? Michael? His car’s not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. Who’s this? Jan?,Dwight
777,You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! Yes! Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because… I’m awesome! I am awesome!,Dwight
778,I’m here! I’m here! I’m here! It’s ok!,Dwight
779,"I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone’s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.",Dwight
780,"Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael.",Dwight
781,"Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.",Dwight
782,"Take that, Saddam!",Dwight
783,Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets … Christmas.,Dwight
784,"What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way.",Dwight
785,"I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.",Dwight
786,"Hey Oscar how ya doin’? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you’re too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy.",Dwight
787,"There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.",Dwight
788,"As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so… mystery solved.",Dwight
789,"Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar’s malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn’t want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it’s just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.",Dwight
790,Remember on Lost when they met the Others?,Dwight
791,Okay. Let’s go. Step up.,Dwight
792,"Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.",Dwight
793,"When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word ‘failure’.",Dwight
794,"The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren’t enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. They didn’t eat the children.",Dwight
795,"Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because… I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.",Dwight
796,"Michael’s birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he’s also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he’s ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it’s my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment.",Dwight
797,"To think that a man’s skin could turn on him. It’s brilliant, ’cause you’d never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. Makes me rethink having skin at all.",Dwight
798,"I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.",Dwight
799,Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother’s funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He’s a potential drug mule.,Dwight
800,I don’t want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.,Dwight
801,"My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he’d wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn’t know about it. He didn’t tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.",Dwight
802,"I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?",Dwight
803,"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.",Dwight
804,"I’m Michael’s wingman. I’ve got his back. Two dates. He’s got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, “We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.”",Dwight
805,"I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs.",Dwight
806,"Jim is gone. He’s gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim!",Dwight
807,Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.,Dwight
808,“Hope this helps. -Jim” Nice!,Dwight
809,Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?,Dwight
810,Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won’t say who.,Dwight
811,"Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan’s been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.",Dwight
812,WAH! GAH!,Dwight
813,"The Schrutes are a very loyal breed. But I also have Mannheim blood from my German grandmother. And the Mannheims knew when to cut and run. No sense going down with a losing regime. But the Schrute blood… It’s amazing that when these two bloods mix, the whole thing didn’t explode.",Dwight
814,"When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.",Dwight
815,"I’m sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.",Dwight
816,Let’s get back to work.,Dwight
817,"Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all.",Dwight
818,"Remembering the dead doesn’t help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I’m working on both.",Dwight
819,"I am very excited. Ryan hasn’t made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn’t made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?",Dwight
820,"Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won’t hang out with Mose so much anymore.",Dwight
821,"Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.",Dwight
822,"I once saw a movie called “Training Day”. It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American.",Dwight
823,"Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It’s a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the… Damn it! Those kids! You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You’re lucky I don’t have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile.",Dwight
824,Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!,Dwight
825,No! You’ll thank me later.,Dwight
826,"When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is, “Something Weird is Going On.” Colon, “What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.”",Dwight
827,I am fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.,Dwight
828,The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.,Dwight
829,"It just goes to show you, you play with fire and you are gonna singe your eyebrows. And they do not grow back the same way.",Dwight
830,"I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.",Dwight
831,"Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn’t want to see it killed.",Dwight
832,It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I’m here for Michael?,Dwight
833,"Lady, from the moment I saw you standing all alone. You gave all the love that I needed…",Dwight
834,What the? “You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone.” Destroy phone?,Dwight
835,"I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell.",Dwight
836,"The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking.",Dwight
837,"Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I’d drawn up for him, Jan’s boobs might not be all over the Internet.",Dwight
838,"Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. Get back… Back to work!",Dwight
839,"Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So… .",Dwight
840,"One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.",Dwight
841,"For your convenience, I’ve broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.",Dwight
842,I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.,Dwight
843,"How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.",Dwight
844,There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.,Dwight
845,"I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it’s fine for the time being. Oops. Break’s over.",Dwight
846,"I don’t care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.",Dwight
847,"The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.",Dwight
848,"I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That’s the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.",Dwight
849,"Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.",Dwight
850,We have… a bat… in the office.,Dwight
851,"If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a “sylvania.” Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn’t mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.",Dwight
852,"I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.",Dwight
853,"Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.",Dwight
854,"What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder… What an ignoramous.",Dwight
855,"Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.",Dwight
856,"The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.",Dwight
857,"Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it’s not the Discovery. You play soccer?",Dwight
858,"Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who’s laughing now?",Dwight
859,"No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.",Dwight
860,"I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who’s a real hero? Hiro, from",Dwight
861,"Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday… for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.",Dwight
862,Attention blue collar workers!,Dwight
863,"First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, “Wow, I need this beet right now.” Those are the money beets.",Dwight
864,"I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin’ a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.",Dwight
865,"Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No… you put",Dwight
866,"I don’t believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a knife you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew.",Dwight
867,"Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.",Dwight
868,"If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.",Dwight
869,"I plan on plastering this pervert’s face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide.",Dwight
870,This is what we,Dwight
871,"Lets go, fall out, let’s go. Move, move, move, move, move.",Dwight
872,"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Eat sand, you fat, old man!",Dwight
873,Once I’m officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.,Dwight
874,Who’s ready to work?,Dwight
875,How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back.,Dwight
876,"As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we’re using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what’s unethical.",Dwight
877,"My cousin Mose’s best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose’s cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That’s how you deal with a thief.",Dwight
878,I don’t see it. I think they both could do better.,Dwight
879,"I’m gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.",Dwight
880,It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.,Dwight
881,"I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.",Dwight
882,"Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you’re paying right now? It’s not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good.",Dwight
883,I’ve seen this kid before. He’s one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.,Dwight
884,"I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I’ll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I’m in pain.",Dwight
885,"Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest.",Dwight
886,"Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That’s what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you’ll ever see.",Dwight
887,"My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don’t care, they’re your oats.",Dwight
888,"Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I’ll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we’ll get that power back on. All righty.",Dwight
889,"And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort’s surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. “Harry?” It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing.",Dwight
890,"Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now.",Dwight
891,I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.,Dwight
892,The eyes are the groin of the head.,Dwight
893,"I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, “Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.” Well I say, “It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”",Dwight
894,"Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let’s put it this way: no, I do not.",Dwight
895,"Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?",Dwight
896,"Keep going, you’re fine. Just some bushes and some thickets Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.",Dwight
897,"I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.",Dwight
898,Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don’t know what he’s searching for out here. I hope he finds it. Lunch.,Dwight
899,About two more minutes .,Dwight
900,Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is… on.,Dwight
901,Does it bother me that I wasn’t invited to Michael’s dinner party?,Dwight
902,"I’ll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. “Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry.” Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. But I don’t acknowledge him. But I know he’s an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five dead psychopaths at my dining room table. All that’s left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it’s almost too easy.",Dwight
903,"Michael’s dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn’t initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. If that idiot ever gets here.",Dwight
904,"That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed.",Dwight
905,"The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed.",Dwight
906,Andy and Angela seem very happy… I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.,Dwight
907,Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What’s Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!,Dwight
908,"I’ve got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.",Dwight
909,...,Dwight
910,Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.,Dwight
911,Well… it’s my own fault.,Dwight
912,...,Dwight
913,"Michael, we have a situation.",Dwight
914,...,Dwight
915,"My dream vacation? I sleep in, putter around the farm, go fishing for a few hours, take a long run in the forest, check the traps. Then the sun comes up and I head into work, which is empty, because everyone else is out of town on vacation.",Dwight
916,"Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.",Dwight
917,Jan had the baby and Michael wasn’t there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody’s. Except Michael’s.,Dwight
918,"Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.",Dwight
919,"Don’t hit the fence. Oh no, my child!",Dwight
920,Don’t get stuck on the barbed wire!,Dwight
921,Playtime is over!,Dwight
922,I like to call this… the bumper test.,Dwight
923,"Hello, spoiled little baby, in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it’s as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let’s see what happens… Inconclusive. Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home.",Dwight
924,"Not so weak, huh, Mom?",Dwight
925,"Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can’t control the stroller any longer",Dwight
926,Let’s see what this baby can do… Aaaah! Aa-aaah! It’s a hardy stroller. Maybe it’s safe!,Dwight
927,What did Phyllis do wrong? I’ll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.,Dwight
928,Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I’m gonna make a pencil disapp– oh! Disappear.,Dwight
929,"Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it.",Dwight
930,"I’ve caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.",Dwight
931,"What do I do with my bonus check? Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year’s bonus even bigger. Eventually, I’ll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I’ll use the paper to write my memoirs.",Dwight
932,"My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? Excuse me, I’ve got work to do.",Dwight
933,"It’s good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three gunmen. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! Then I shoot myself, so I don’t change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.",Dwight
934,"Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that’s my name. See you soon.",Dwight
935,"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years; she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care, I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.",Dwight
936,"Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it’s a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: “My horn can pierce the sky”. Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn’t that right princess?",Dwight
937,Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.,Dwight
938,"Actually, I don’t care for Meredith, but I don’t believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.",Dwight
939,"There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.",Dwight
940,"Rule 17: don’t turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep.",Dwight
941,...,Dwight
942,...,Dwight
943,...,Dwight
944,"It’s very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He’s either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he’s like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.",Dwight
945,"I have here Kelly Kapoor’s personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. “Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.” Juvie. “According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor…” Blah, Blah, Blah.",Dwight
946,Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. Many happy returns.,Dwight
947,"I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.",Dwight
948,I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won’t happen again.,Dwight
949,My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.,Dwight
950,Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh!,Dwight
951,"Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.",Dwight
952,"When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody’s worries. And in that chaos, I soared.",Dwight
953,"And no, I cannot lower my current prices. Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you’re considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.",Dwight
954,"Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it’s not exactly like ‘Highlander,’ but still…",Dwight
955,"Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don’t say.",Dwight
956,"Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, “great salesman, better friend.” “Tall” and “beets.”",Dwight
957,"How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?",Dwight
958,When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.,Dwight
959,I got her!,Dwight
960,No kidding! She sits three feet from me. It’s the most annoying thing. It’s like children singing Christmas carols.,Dwight
961,I played high school softball. Notice I didn’t say “girls” high school softball. Not after the landmark case of Shrute vs. the Lackawanna County Board of Education.That was one case the Pennsylvania Supreme Court got right. I hit the ball right over the protest banners.,Dwight
962,"Oh, no. I love Ohio. Next time you’re there say “Hi” to my cousin Amel and then kick him in the groin area because he’s a cheat and a ball hog. And if he’s still married to Clarissa, kick her in the groin area, too. ‘Cause she’s a heart breaking tart…and a ball hog.",Dwight
963,"Normally I don’t condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don’t know. No, I’m kidding. He’s just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.",Dwight
964,Like clockwork.,Dwight
965,Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.,Dwight
966,AHHHHHHHHHHHH!,Dwight
967,"People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It’s great. Eventually, they’ll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.",Dwight
968,Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn’t like she is screwed. It’s amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It’s so bad ass.,Dwight
969,"I invented a device called ‘Burger on the Go’. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall’s considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, ‘No’.",Dwight
970,"I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs.",Dwight
971,"I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.",Dwight
972,"“We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our…” I’ve got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I’m not insane. “…65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.”",Dwight
973,"Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But… because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-",Dwight
974,Can’t a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they’ll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?,Dwight
975,Andy is complicating things. But I’m not worried. This will only up my game.,Dwight
976,Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. They’re mushrooms. They don’t get that high.,Dwight
977,"I know she didn’t do it. It’s never the person you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.",Dwight
978,"Frankly, I’m not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.",Dwight
979,"Happy Earth Day, everyone. I’m Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?",Dwight
980,Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?,Dwight
981,Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.,Dwight
982,Recyclops will have his revenge.,Dwight
983,"I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district, pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy.",Dwight
984,"My idea. I just need Andy to think it’s his idea. So it won’t get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.",Dwight
985,Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.,Dwight
986,My idea!,Dwight
987,This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.,Dwight
988,"It’s Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.",Dwight
989,I know how it happened.,Dwight
990,My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph! Not really! I’m just tired. The days are short. I don’t know. Maybe I’m depressed.,Dwight
991,"For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I’ve been attempting to assemble. I’m suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea, for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself… in jail!",Dwight
992,My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating…,Dwight
993,"Oh man! I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails…",Dwight
994,"Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He’s been promoted to sole manager. We’ve got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. 89… 88…",Dwight
995,Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.,Dwight
996,I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.,Dwight
997,"I need a baby. I’ll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I’ve been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.",Dwight
998,"I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.",Dwight
999,"Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam’s house to find Pam’s iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn’t find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night’s sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets… Time to get to work .",Dwight
1000,"Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But … I don’t care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk.",Dwight
1001,They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!,Dwight
1002,"Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O’Gannigan’s tonight. It shouldn’t go all night long, so if you’d like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working.",Dwight
1003,"Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?",Dwight
1004,"Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.",Dwight
1005,"I don’t understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority that within 20 years, everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.",Dwight
1006,"One minority from this branch is going to get into this program. Who would I refer? Hmm… the competent, hardworking one who does things his own way, or the malleable simpleton who can be bought for a few fashion magazines?",Dwight
1007,"Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If you’d have told me this morning that today I’d be creating a monster capable f my own destruction, I ‘d have thought you were referring to the bull Mose and I are trying to reanimate.",Dwight
1008,"Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?",Dwight
1009,Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!,Dwight
1010,"All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.",Dwight
1011,"I don’t have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don’t want to dig past a certain someone to get it.",Dwight
1012,"Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.",Dwight
1013,"I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don’t have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, but they’re no match for a grown Schrute man. Let’s see what she gets. Aah!",Dwight
1014,"Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.",Dwight
1015,"Now that I own the building, I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center… Ha ha ha Well I guess it’s not an evil idea. It’s just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea.",Dwight
1016,Angela? Don’t like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.,Dwight
1017,"I pick up day laborers and tell them they’ll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it’s Canada.",Dwight
1018,"No, I’m no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I’m no doctor. I’m just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.",Dwight
1019,"I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth.",Dwight
1020,"The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.",Dwight
1021,For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.,Dwight
1022,"Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing… and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.",Dwight
1023,"And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year’s hay king. All in favor of Purebred. Put your hands together for… Mixed Bread. And let’s hear it for… Purebred. Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick… Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King!",Dwight
1024,Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.,Dwight
1025,Angela? Angela!,Dwight
1026,"Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I’ve surrounded the enemy, and I’m slowly starving them. To save on electricity I’ve installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It’s part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.",Dwight
1027,"They say the best vampires don’t bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.",Dwight
1028,I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.,Dwight
1029,Haahh!!,Dwight
1030,"Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.",Dwight
1031,"In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.",Dwight
1032,"Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We’re often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.",Dwight
1033,"My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.",Dwight
1034,"I play Samuel, Michael Scarn’s robot butler. I wanted Samuel’s voice- to be like this! But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.",Dwight
1035,He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?,Dwight
1036,"Schrute’s are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here.",Dwight
1037,things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith’s junk for Kelly’s crap for Phyllis’ garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley’s garbage for Ryan’s junk for Creed’s garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.,Dwight
1038,"I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn’t the telescope at all. No, it was this… packet of beans. So I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope.",Dwight
1039,Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.,Dwight
1040,"Always the padawan, never the Jedi.",Dwight
1041,"Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for you co-host this evening, Michael Gary Scott. Please remain standing for your other co-host, and new manager, DeAngelo Jeremitrius Vickers! Was that part of the…?",Dwight
1042,I’ve given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing.,Dwight
1043,"This is gonna be good. To whom it may concern. Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme. That’s great, if I wanted the dictionary definition I’d buy a dictionary. I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme. Lot’s more like that, really repetitive. What’s this? Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball. Ohhh, yeah.",Dwight
1044,...,Dwight
1045,"Okay, a little about me. I respond to strong leadership.",Dwight
1046,I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.,Dwight
1047,"I’m gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That’s because I just threw it in the ring.",Dwight
1048,"I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or… I don’t know. Something always works out.",Dwight
1049,K… Kevin!,Dwight
1050,"Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I’ve got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I’ve added boxing – lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I’m doin’ great.",Dwight
1051,"Kids, don’t try planking. It’s dangerous. ‘Specially with me around.",Dwight
1052,"Here’s how I’m going to help out from now on. I’m going to not care, and I’m going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy’s inevitable demise.",Dwight
1053,"Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I’m gonna like it.",Dwight
1054,"I’ve been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I’ve got a secret weapon. Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars.",Dwight
1055,MR. RYAN HOWARD!,Dwight
1056,"STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!",Dwight
1057,Set that down. Present yourself.,Dwight
1058,Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.,Dwight
1059,Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you…the Alamo!,Dwight
1060,"Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted “We’re number two!’. As with all my dreams, I’m guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.",Dwight
1061,"They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like…not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor…",Dwight
1062,"They’re not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn’t even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you’ve ever seen. God, I’m gonna have to work with them forever, aren’t I?",Dwight
1063,"She called it crazy? Aw, man, that’s insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.",Dwight
1064,And she called it nuts?,Dwight
1065,The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible.,Dwight
1066,"Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn’t hurt to have a smile on your face, either.",Dwight
1067,"Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.",Dwight
1068,"Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.",Dwight
1069,That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.,Dwight
1070,"Exercise lengthens life. Improves mood, boosts sex drive, and I’ve already covered the BM of it all. It’s miraculous the effect that I will have on their lives.",Dwight
1071,Boom!,Dwight
1072,Enough of this garbage. This is Christmas. Hi-yah!!!!! Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!,Dwight
1073,"So, I got this bucket from Jim’s garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. Dammit Kathy!",Dwight
1074,"Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven’t managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.",Dwight
1075,"I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I’d won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that’s not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.",Dwight
1076,"I’m gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.",Dwight
1077,"That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.",Dwight
1078,"Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they’re raising us. Am I right?",Dwight
1079,"I have a recurring nightmare that I’ve been wrongly accused of a crime and twelve of these idiots are on the jury. Stanley is fast asleep, Kevin eats the evidence, Phyllis’s name is Allison but it really is Phyllis, Jim is foreman of the jury and pronounces me guilty. The cop takes me away and tells me that I’ve been a bad boy and we have sex in the hall. She leaves the handcuffs on. They take me away to prison. The guards are all women.",Dwight
1080,"The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man’s life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, “perfect pork anus” which I don’t mean.",Dwight
1081,Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.,Dwight
1082,"I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room, just temporarily. When I’m done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes.",Dwight
1083,"Ok, Florida team, let’s reconvene.",Dwight
1084,"I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under the right manager, that’s not a bad team. Perfectinschlag.",Dwight
1085,Wake up!,Dwight
1086,"I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I’ve loved working with Pam and she’s frankly wonderful, but I hate her.",Dwight
1087,"I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix.",Dwight
1088,"English peoples’ main use today is judging American talent. You’re crap. You’re wonderful. They’re mean, but they’re incisive.",Dwight
1089,"If anyone’s having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it’s me, and I’m not joking at all. If you don’t tighten your saddle, you may fall off.",Dwight
1090,"If Jim has bedbugs, that means they’re everywhere. I can’t risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.",Dwight
1091,"Point it towards the store, idiot!",Dwight
1092,You know what I mean? One of these buttons is — damn it. Take over.,Dwight
1093,"A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don’t know that it’s poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I’m glad he’s OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man’s treasure and all. Wow!",Dwight
1094,"Once again, it’s show time.",Dwight
1095,How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I’m in an identical situation.,Dwight
1096,"Those who can’t farm, farm celery.",Dwight
1097,"I’ve written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter.",Dwight
1098,One of Toby’s eyes is getting smaller. So there’s that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So I’ll keep you posted on that.,Dwight
1099,Every day I brief Nellie on what’s going on in the office. Most of it’s irrelevant. But a good informer doesn’t judge what’s worth passing on.,Dwight
1100,How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you!,Dwight
1101,It’s $475! Like candy from a baby!,Dwight
1102,"I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, “muffin basket.” Then I thought, “What’s even more precious to people than muffins?”",Dwight
1103,…their own children.,Dwight
1104,"Wha-? Damn it, Jim!",Dwight
1105,Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?,Dwight
1106,Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.,Dwight
1107,"How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that’s really good. But I got some disappointing medical news.",Dwight
1108,In a way it’s like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they’ll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I’ll have a grandson.,Dwight
1109,"Paranoid? I’m not familiar with the word. And I really don’t have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job.",Dwight
1110,"Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn’t seem so macho now, does it? It’s a jump rope!",Dwight
1111,"Ok. Oh, god.",Dwight
1112,"Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I’m about to prove it. Dwight Schrute!",Dwight
1113,Woo! Ahh!!,Dwight
1114,I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. You don’t have a plan.,Dwight
1115,Heh! Ha!,Dwight
1116,"Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.",Dwight
1117,"Oh, the wires need insulation. It’s a wire people. I’m not buying it a fur coat.",Dwight
1118,"I know what Jim is trying to do. He’s trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.",Dwight
1119,"Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn’t just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. If you’ve got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.",Dwight
1120,But as Jim and I discovered… No! … any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.,Dwight
1121,At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?,Dwight
1122,"Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There’s a madman in our midst.",Dwight
1123,"The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you’re famous? “Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.” It’s that easy.",Dwight
1124,"Overall, I’d say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.",Dwight
1125,"The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing “the White Whale”. Look at all that sweet blubber.",Dwight
1126,"This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There’s me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn’t come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.",Dwight
1127,"Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was…okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.",Dwight
1128,"In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren’t as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.",Dwight
1129,"Of all of the vermin in God’s great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.",Dwight
1130,"I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere.",Dwight
1131,"Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They’re a family owned business . Jim and I used to clean up at those. We’d go in pretending to be family – brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew.",Dwight
1132,"Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim’s desk while he’s away in Philly. Finally I’ll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It’s like, “Really, Jim? You don’t understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.” Wow.",Dwight
1133,"Clark has no chance. I mean, he’s up against my buddy Rolf, for God’s sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor – he’ll make you laugh so hard, you’ll puke your pants.",Dwight
1134,"Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.",Dwight
1135,"Well, they can’t all be winners. But Trevor’s next and he’s a real professional. You say, “Jump,” and he says, “Oh who?” He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.",Dwight
1136,"I can’t hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.",Dwight
1137,"Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He’s got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I’ve got big expectations, Mose-wise.",Dwight
1138,"When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.",Dwight
1139,"Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.",Dwight
1140,"Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He’s a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I’m hesitant. Why can’t I pull the trigger on any of them?",Dwight
1141,Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.,Dwight
1142,They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.,Dwight
1143,"Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I’m like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt.",Dwight
1144,"I really like Andy these days. He’s pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we’re in for an epic, confusing showdown.",Dwight
1145,"I’d like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I’m a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.",Dwight
1146,"No, don’t just let her eat the grass, she’ll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I’m sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she’s your aunt too. Fine. I’ll see what I can do.",Dwight
1147,My actual mother was very cold and distant. I’d say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.,Dwight
1148,"We Schrutes don’t need some Harvard doctor to tell us who’s alive and who’s dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.",Dwight
1149,"I can’t stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could’ve grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.",Dwight
1150,"People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.",Dwight
1151,What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news…thing.,Dwight
1152,"For five years I’ve held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it’s time for me to just let that thought go. It’s kind of painful, but it’s also freeing in a way. Now it’s all about my instincts.",Dwight
1153,Right? Come on!,Dwight
1154,"Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It’s not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. Practically made of plastic.",Dwight
1155,"I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind, the next move is hers. I’m with Esther now. She’s younger than Angela, sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field. Let’s be honest. When it came to manured fields, Angela was at best indifferent.",Dwight
1156,"I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don’t spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt.",Dwight
1157,"Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day.",Dwight
1158,"Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they’re protecting America’s real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day’s security codes. Something that’s been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It’s not the KGB, but it’s a start.",Dwight
1159,"It’s just harmless steam to panic intruders. I’d like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.",Dwight
1160,Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check… on that later today. This is my grandmother’s ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother’s buttock bullet ring.,Dwight
1161,The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.,Dwight
1162,"My job is to speak to clients on the phone about… uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And… I’m boring myself just talking about this.",Jim
1163,"If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam’s favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.",Jim
1164,Do I think I’ll be invited to the wedding?,Jim
1165,"This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I’m not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I’m pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I’m getting cocky. Right?",Jim
1166,"Mr. Decker, we didn’t lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your… what’s that? No, we didn’t close last time. I just need your… Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That’s actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don’t blame you.",Jim
1167,Uh… Not a bad day.,Jim
1168,"Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.",Jim
1169,"Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.",Jim
1170,"At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.",Jim
1171,"And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says “No, Jim, here’s a way.”",Jim
1172,That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.,Jim
1173,"Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set… and that was three years ago.",Jim
1174,"Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I’m, yeah, I’m looking forward to playing. You know, I think I’m gonna impress a few people in here.",Jim
1175,"Pam and I are good buddies. I’m sort of Pam’s go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh… Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.",Jim
1176,What a great year for the Dundies.,Jim
1177,"The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized.",Jim
1178,"Hey, um… what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy!",Jim
1179,"I’m in an office relationship. It’s special. Um… she’s nice. She’s shy. She’s actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a… . I told you that you’d be on camera. I’m sorry, she’s European. No, I told you that you’d be on camera. Stop it.",Jim
1180,So that’s what this sound is all day.,Jim
1181,Let the games begin.,Jim
1182,"Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so.",Jim
1183,Okay. Thought people read more books.,Jim
1184,"Dwight is… special. But, I don’t believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig’s List. We’re really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska… or India.",Jim
1185,"Um… Whoa. Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I’m gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.",Jim
1186,"That’s just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we’re friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I’m gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn’t blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it’s double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.",Jim
1187,"Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight… Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I’m coming, fight…",Jim
1188,"So this possible client they’re talking about, actually a big deal. It’s Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. Years.",Jim
1189,"I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting.",Jim
1190,"I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I’m not a complainer.",Jim
1191,"Ok, we didn’t dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it’s not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?",Jim
1192,Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it’s Friday. And that’s what I’ll be working on this afternoon.,Jim
1193,"It’s true. I’m having a party. I’ve got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn’t invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it’s nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn’t be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks that I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.",Jim
1194,"So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I’m also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. This would take a little too long to explain, so I won’t. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.",Jim
1195,"He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number and then threw it in a bag.",Jim
1196,"To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it’s a little too much to handle.",Jim
1197,"Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he’s king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.",Jim
1198,You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.,Jim
1199,"So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now.",Jim
1200,I want to clamp Michael’s face in a George Foreman grill.,Jim
1201,Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world’s worst confidant.,Jim
1202,Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I don’t. Riveting.,Jim
1203,"Pam’s on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it’ll be nice to see her. It’ll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh… June. Summer. So, that’ll be nice. And that’s that.",Jim
1204,What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.,Jim
1205,"So I broke up with Katy and haven’t been dating anybody else, so this year I don’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day. It’s gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We’re gonna play some cards and I’ll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they’re idiots. It’s gonna be great.",Jim
1206,"Nah that’s alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That’s fine. No, I didn’t even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye.",Jim
1207,"Dwight lives on a beet farm and he practices karate at the forth grade level. And he apparently has a girlfriend, so… I guess there really is someone for everybody.",Jim
1208,"Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so…",Jim
1209,I’m going to take a trip. I’m going to get out of town for a while… and go someplace… not here.,Jim
1210,Where do I want to go? Um… that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um…,Jim
1211,"Ok, I didn’t actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history’s famous dictators. Like this one . Originally given by Benito Mussolini.",Jim
1212,"“A7557962.” Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do.",Jim
1213,"So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight",Jim
1214,Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don’t get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?,Jim
1215,"Yeah, I mean it’s inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I’m fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.",Jim
1216,Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.,Jim
1217,"That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just… took ’em all out.",Jim
1218,"Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don’t sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.",Jim
1219,"Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that’s how I spent my entire day that day.",Jim
1220,"Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know… I have no future here.",Jim
1221,I will raise. Thanks.,Jim
1222,"It’s the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds.",Jim
1223,"I can’t say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable.",Jim
1224,Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that’s pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can’t beat that view… right?,Jim
1225,"I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. …I don’t think any of them actually know my real name.",Jim
1226,What’s gay-dar?,Jim
1227,I miss that.,Jim
1228,"You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.",Jim
1229,"At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video game called Call of Duty, and they’re all really into it. I’m told it started as a team building exercise. Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn’t play many video games in Scranton. Instead we’d do stuff like, uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it… Pretendenitus.",Jim
1230,Things are a little bit… different here in Stamford. It’s not bad.,Jim
1231,"I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.",Jim
1232,Sorry.,Jim
1233,"I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape… helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.",Jim
1234,"Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation… which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.",Jim
1235,"I don’t have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight’s stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. “Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.”",Jim
1236,"I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it’s going to be weird that it’s all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.",Jim
1237,"Where do I stand with Pam? Um… no idea. I mean, we’re friends. Always have been friends. Um… .that is where we stand.",Jim
1238,It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. ‘The Scranton Witch Project’.,Jim
1239,"Yes. I have started to see Karen. It’s very new, and… not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or… I dunno. Just, not yet.",Jim
1240,"I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates…",Jim
1241,"It’s a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael’s a bold guy. Is bold the right word?",Jim
1242,"I feel like there’s a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do., then … what am I doing?",Jim
1243,"Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And that’s what you want, right?",Jim
1244,"Oh no, this is different. The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight. This is more like a umm… OK, it’s pretty much the same thing.",Jim
1245,"Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.",Jim
1246,"I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.",Jim
1247,"Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So…",Jim
1248,"Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights.",Jim
1249,"Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.",Jim
1250,"In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been conducting a similar experiment.",Jim
1251,"Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then… No, it’s totally hypothetical.",Jim
1252,Here’s a ‘not hypothetical’. I’m really happy I’m with Karen.,Jim
1253,"Pam’s with Roy. I’m with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin’ on.",Jim
1254,"Why don’t I wanna go? Didn’t expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don’t know any of these people. It’s an obligation. I don’t like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?",Jim
1255,"I guess… all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.",Jim
1256,"It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.",Jim
1257,"I… will never say a word. And now, we are even.",Jim
1258,"Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that’s a grand total of… eleven dollars.",Jim
1259,"Lord, beer me strength.",Jim
1260,That is pretty cool.,Jim
1261,That’s pretty cool.,Jim
1262,"Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man’s eyes… ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day.",Jim
1263,"Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.",Jim
1264,"I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh… it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn’t mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh… I’m single now and looking, so if you know anybody.",Jim
1265,One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.,Jim
1266,"Oh, I’m sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach?",Jim
1267,"Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with it.",Jim
1268,And… that is why we waited so long to tell people.,Jim
1269,"There’s this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it’s heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.",Jim
1270,"Yep, I’m very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I’m in love with Italian food.",Jim
1271,"I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or… And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.",Jim
1272,"Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?",Jim
1273,"Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director’s cut. Hope you like it.",Jim
1274,"Michael is on a mission to prove that he’s creative. Which I think is odd, because Michael actually might be the most creative person I’ve ever known. Every day, Michael says and thinks things that no one has ever said or thought before.",Jim
1275,"So the deal was, Dwight doesn’t blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.",Jim
1276,"When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.",Jim
1277,And I am always busy.,Jim
1278,"There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.",Jim
1279,"And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to “Happy Birthday.” And he’s a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.",Jim
1280,"So… I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.",Jim
1281,"Toby’s great. He’s great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. I don’t see the harm in that. Well, it’s a cake Toby, so, c’mon.",Jim
1282,"Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.",Jim
1283,"Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we’ve been able to get out of it. But I’ve got to give him credit, he got me. Because I’m starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate.",Jim
1284,Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it’s called ‘Let’s see how uncomfortable we can make our guests’ and they’re both winning. So I’m going to make a run for it.,Jim
1285,I am not kidding. Got it a week after we started dating.,Jim
1286,"You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn’t have to come in at all tomorrow.",Jim
1287,"So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas… the one time a year they hear one.",Jim
1288,"Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I’ve never done before. Try.",Jim
1289,So I guess I’ll just… work on my short game.,Jim
1290,"You know it’s a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don’t quit either, and I’d call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after …fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I’m feeling pretty good.",Jim
1291,"If your client likes Italian food, you bring him to Cugino’s. And if your client likes a little action, you bring him a gambler. And if your client hates Cornell, you bring him Andy.",Jim
1292,"Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.",Jim
1293,"Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine.",Jim
1294,I’m going to propose tonight. Holy crap!,Jim
1295,"Hey, Ryan, it’s Jim. Look man, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don’t care, because you’re trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don’t think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you’re wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I’m not going anywhere.",Jim
1296,"I’ve always gotten along well with Toby. Uh, we’re friends. But I don’t think we’ll stay in touch necessarily. I think I’ll probably get updates on him from Pam.",Jim
1297,"Is Ryan gonna fire me? I don’t know. I know that I’ve done everything I can, and I just brought in a huge sale, and… am I insane, or was this kid a temp two years ago? Because in the three years that he’s been here, I think all he’s ever done is start a fire and grow a beard. And it’s not even a good beard.",Jim
1298,"Okay, what’s going on?",Jim
1299,"Why haven’t I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um — well, we didn’t want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam’s always said she doesn’t want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I’m not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here…",Jim
1300,"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It’s because Holly is kind of a major dork.",Jim
1301,"I don’t really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.",Jim
1302,"When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.",Jim
1303,Some girl came into Pam’s room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I’m in here waiting it out.,Jim
1304,"Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch… actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider… coworkers.",Jim
1305,Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I’m convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven’t seen her in 10 days. How’s your summer?,Jim
1306,...,Jim
1307,"When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us all to believe that he was the father… by telling us he was the father. But then we got this e-mail from Jan. “Hi, everyone! Jan here, writing to share some wonderful news and to quash a rumor. First, the great news – I am expecting. The beautiful baby inside me will be ready to meet the world this fall just a few months before the launch of the new Serenity by Jan line . Anyway, I also wanted to clarify that the father is not anyone that you or I have ever met. Remember, no matter how excited someone is about my baby, it does not make them the father. Best, Jan. P.S. Hope to ship you something soon.”",Jim
1308,"He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven’t even started work. It’s exhausting, being this vigilant. I’ll probably have to go home early today.",Jim
1309,"Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.",Jim
1310,I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should.,Jim
1311,No. you know what? No. Because… I’m not that guy. And we are not that couple.,Jim
1312,"I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.",Jim
1313,...,Jim
1314,"Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I’m just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It’s just… different styles.",Jim
1315,Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.,Jim
1316,"Today’s a big day. Today’s the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it’s my parent’s house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It’s got shag carpets. I mean you can’t blame my parents it was the 70’s. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. She’s gonna love it. Right?",Jim
1317,"Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don’t have to agree on everything.",Jim
1318,Whew.,Jim
1319,"Andy still doesn’t know that Angela’s having an affair with Dwight. And it’s been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he’ll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it’s just… awkward.",Jim
1320,"So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day… leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.",Jim
1321,"I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. Oh he’ll be fine. I made it up there.",Jim
1322,What’s going on?,Jim
1323,"Uh, no one really knows, but Pam’s parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.",Jim
1324,"Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so… it was her parents or my parents…",Jim
1325,I forgot if there was an “e” between the “l” and the “y.” I still don’t know.,Jim
1326,"About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.",Jim
1327,Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.,Jim
1328,"I’ve never been a kiss up. I – it’s just not how I operate. I mean, I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work. Half-heartedly.",Jim
1329,"Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team.",Jim
1330,"The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk, so that she can run into his Charles’ office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks if she says “You wanted me” enough, he will in fact want her. It’s not the worse plan she’s ever had.",Jim
1331,What the hell’s a rundown?,Jim
1332,Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown.,Jim
1333,"I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.",Jim
1334,...,Jim
1335,I’m just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He’s winning. I feel like I’m describing a dream I had.,Jim
1336,We should probably stop by. It’d mean a lot to him.,Jim
1337,"Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we’re all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about… ten minutes.",Jim
1338,"Oh, Dwight, we’re so close! Just buy us a few more minutes… Well, they just called me in for an update, so I’ll call you right back… Okay… Okay, great. Hey, Dwight, uh… send in the subs! Ohh!",Jim
1339,"I didn’t tell Michael because I thought he’d try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon.",Jim
1340,I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.,Jim
1341,"I’ve been studying Michael for years, and I’ve condensed what I’ve learned into this chart– How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.",Jim
1342,"Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It’s really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun.",Jim
1343,I may have told some people that. I’m nervous. I’m about to get married.,Jim
1344,"I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we’d need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.",Jim
1345,...,Jim
1346,"We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company.",Jim
1347,"Sure. Michael’s a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That’s what a teacher is, right?",Jim
1348,He’s trying to micro-co-manage me… or co-micro… manage… me.,Jim
1349,"Truthfully, it wasn’t the way he fell in. It was… how long it took him to get out.",Jim
1350,"I should’ve grabbed you. I’m sorry. Look, I thought I could’ve done today’s sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job.",Jim
1351,"Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate… because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change.",Jim
1352,"Sure I’m a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good.",Jim
1353,"Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.",Jim
1354,"I think today was a good day to have two managers. ‘Cause if you’re a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it’s not because they’re crazy. It’s because they’re doing it for the kids. And I get that now.",Jim
1355,"Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that – get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.",Jim
1356,"Five years ago, corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.",Jim
1357,The next year he really stepped things up.,Jim
1358,A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape.,Jim
1359,Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing… I can’t remember.,Jim
1360,I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved.,Jim
1361,"So you’ve been shown a nonsensical video. You’re probably wondering, “What’s going on?” Well, you’re not alone.",Jim
1362,"I don’t think I’m gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they’re not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I’m definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women.",Jim
1363,"So, the plan was seven minutes. But we’re calling an audible, because that’s her call. Because she’s the quarterback. I’m just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.",Jim
1364,"I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she’s gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I’m crazy. But I’m not crazy, she’s crazy. I’m not crazy, she’s crazy. Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes.",Jim
1365,I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.,Jim
1366,"No, I know I need to work, I just- I feel weird not being home.",Jim
1367,I am not surprised that Dwight’s using my baby to steal my desk. I’m a little surprised that it’s working.,Jim
1368,Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies – that’s just unfair.,Jim
1369,"I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I – and I love her. I also love her, very much.",Jim
1370,"What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.",Jim
1371,It’s like The Hurt Locker!,Jim
1372,Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and…that’s it. That’s really all we were looking for.,Jim
1373,"Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?",Jim
1374,"I’ve never really been a costume guy. Even when I was a kid, it just felt like something I was too old for. And then this morning, when Pam hands me this little number …no.",Jim
1375,Madge from the warehouse just made her first sale. Madge. We should have been doing this a long time ago.,Jim
1376,"To be honest, I still can’t believe he didn’t call her back. Who doesn’t call a dork like that back?",Jim
1377,"Okay. Okay. There’s my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What’s that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop!",Jim
1378,"Okay, “A,” Halbert. And, “B,” I think a more appropriate statement would be, “The ‘Halberts’ are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests.”",Jim
1379,"Some events are so news worthy, so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch. Balloon Boy, Michael Jackson’s funeral. Things that if you didn’t see them live, you wouldn’t really care that you didn’t see them at all.",Jim
1380,"All right, Thank you, I will–I will send the contracts over right away. All Right. Whoo!",Jim
1381,"I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let’s be honest–if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob… I can pretty much sell anything.",Jim
1382,"Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I’ve cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So… what now?",Jim
1383,"Around here, Oscar is known as ‘actually’ because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.",Jim
1384,...,Jim
1385,"Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing ’em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, then… “How ’bout icing it? lol. Dwight.”",Jim
1386,I just want it to stop.,Jim
1387,"Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn’t make that.",Jim
1388,I mean…,Jim
1389,I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don’t think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.,Jim
1390,I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.,Jim
1391,"I’m sorry, that just wasn’t interesting to me.",Jim
1392,So you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?,Jim
1393,"There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things, to a few guys.",Jim
1394,So this is my life. Until I win the lottery . Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.,Jim
1395,Now what?,Jim
1396,"So as it turns out, unless you’re a young child or a prison inmate, you don’t need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that – people like us allowed to sell paper. Unsupervised. And yet, somehow it works. It must be because the stakes are so high.",Jim
1397,"If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, “Well that’s pretty premature to think,” but I always say, it’s better to be pre-pre-preprepared.",Jim
1398,He never called a meeting.,Jim
1399,"We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch’s new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone’s bound to be, right? And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I’m not too worried. But I’m really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. Did you know that Gabe’s last name was Lewis? I had no idea.",Jim
1400,"He creeps me out. But, I think he might be a genius.",Jim
1401,"The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California… for the manager position. Who took one look around and left.  He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO… CEO… her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don’t really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.   And he chose…",Jim
1402,"The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he’s gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it’s not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It’s strange.",Jim
1403,"There’s this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there’s an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a… phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it’ll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.",Jim
1404,I’m actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. I’ve only sold one copy.,Jim
1405,"Chapter 2 – Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present.",Jim
1406,Chapter 4 – One of the host’s most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.,Jim
1407,"Chapter 9 – The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party.",Jim
1408,"I know, I know, I know. But Darryl and Kevin needed a third. They bought me this jersey. I said no. Kevin started crying. So, I am Chris Bosh.",Jim
1409,No! My wife does not believe in ghosts.,Jim
1410,"I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80’s movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and hit yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don’t do that, I think I’ll be alright.",Jim
1411,"No, I’m not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I’m not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It’s true, but it doesn’t help anybody.",Jim
1412,"Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I’m in the clear. If that wasn’t for the matchmaker test, then… Cathy, he’s a really nice guy.",Jim
1413,"No, I’m not worried. Because this lie isn’t for me, it’s for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back… yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven’t had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time.",Jim
1414,"I’m excited, I’ve actually never been to Gettysburg. Uh, my family was gonna go once, but then my brothers convinced me if was full of dead soldier zombies, so I freaked out and we turned the car around. But I’m older now, I can outrun a zombie.",Jim
1415,"No, I don’t think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it’s doing.",Jim
1416,"Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open… uh, okay.",Jim
1417,This whole thing is making me very uncomfortable. I’m not getting between the boss and his wife so just ask me about something else. You know Stanley’s tie is really the story of the day…,Jim
1418,I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. …Might not have been the best idea.,Jim
1419,Ah… I’m gonna s-,Jim
1420,"Dwight really wants my bonus. He’s trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can’t drink at this thing….I get really pranky when I drink.",Jim
1421,"Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card…you want the number? Oh it’s uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye.",Jim
1422,"So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife…from me.",Jim
1423,"Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something……C’mon, Jim. I got nothin’.",Jim
1424,"It’s always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she’s out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I’ve found out what he likes. And it’s really weird.",Jim
1425,"You’re looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don’t mean to brag, but New Year’s Eve, I was home by nine.",Jim
1426,"I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn’t think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.",Jim
1427,I never considered that my week off would make everyone else’s job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.,Jim
1428,You want a giraffe?,Jim
1429,"I would love for everyone to just forgive me. But, if that’s not happening, I’m not averse to just buying them all off.",Jim
1430,"I’ve spent so much of my life telling myself “Please, don’t end up like Stanley,” and now I’m wondering if I even have what it takes.",Jim
1431,"This is the last time I’ll ever see Dwight. It’s a weird feeling, it’s, um, what’s the word? It’s not, it’s not bittersweet. It’s uh… sweet. Yeah.",Jim
1432,"Well, I tried. You saw it, so, it’s on the record. I have a plane to catch.",Jim
1433,What is going on? And where’s Andy? And what is going on?,Jim
1434,"I think it’s a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It’s not a name.",Jim
1435,"I’m sorry, we’re taking work time to move someone’s personal belongings into their new apartment.",Jim
1436,Why is she here?,Jim
1437,"Phyllis says the same twelve clichés every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates.",Jim
1438,"Uh, Ryan can never know.",Jim
1439,"Last week, I may have gone too far. I’ll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And… you can fill in the rest.",Jim
1440,Now he’s trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it’s fair to be cautious.,Jim
1441,"No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith’s face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim.",Jim
1442,I have nothing in common with Plop.,Jim
1443,"Oh, come on, Pete! God, that’s just sad. If he doesn’t watch himself, he’s gonna be here for years, doing nothing. Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim.",Jim
1444,"Hey, man. It’s halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don’t. I’m in. Yeah, yep, I’m all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. Yeah!",Jim
1445,"I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn’t know. Um… actually I did tell Pam and we decided ‘no’. But, then I decided ‘yes’ anyway. So, I’m thinking there’s another conversation coming. And, it’s hard to know when that will be.",Jim
1446,"Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what’d they say? That’s awesome! That, oh my god! Wow!",Jim
1447,It’s not even real yet. And I’m not gonna tell her ’til it’s real.,Jim
1448,"Pam always says I look like Nixon. That’s crazy, right? I mean there’s nothing there. True— Oh no.",Jim
1449,I don’t know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.,Jim
1450,"Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly…the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! Gotta go through me first.",Jim
1451,"I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I’m helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I’ve ever been excited about work. So, that feels… wrong.",Jim
1452,"I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I’d get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking.",Jim
1453,I bit my lip at lunch today.,Jim
1454,Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.,Jim
1455,"Whatever. It’s not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that’s gonna happen… You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That’s it, I’m going home!",Jim
1456,"I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam’s face because let’s be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.",Jim
1457,"Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that’s only gonna make things worse.",Jim
1458,"Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we’re scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix – me asking the boss of the company I’m abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So… problem solved. Thanks, guys.",Jim
1459,"No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I’m gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does.",Jim
1460,"Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that’s just ‘Roommates 101’.",Jim
1461,"I’m very excited to see Brian. Brian’s a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I’m sorry, but you know him. He’s a good guy.",Jim
1462,"If I didn’t do certain things without telling Pam, she’d be married to Roy.",Jim
1463,"Well, if Pam says she won’t go, then— we’re gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph.",Jim
1464,"Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus.",Jim
1465,"The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that’s final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I’m not risking that again.",Jim
1466,"By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.",Jim
1467,Thank you.,Jim
1468,"Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he’s on to me. Um…",Pam
1469,Roy’s my fiance. We’ve been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we’re gonna get married in the spring.,Pam
1470,"It would’ve been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn’t have made any sense either.",Pam
1471,"Yeah, um, there’s good things about Michael. He uh, uh… Yeah, definitely. Um…",Pam
1472,This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.,Pam
1473,"My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn’t make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I’m kidding, kidding. Totally kidding.",Pam
1474,"No, no, I know that the warranty’s expired, but isn’t it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn’t defective? OK, fine, three years.",Pam
1475,"It’s nice having Katy around. It’s another person for Michael to um, interact with.",Pam
1476,Jim is a great guy. He’s like a brother to me. We’re like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone.,Pam
1477,"You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.",Pam
1478,Michael has taped,Pam
1479,Can I get a drink?,Pam
1480,My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn’t have a cell phone… which is cool cause it’s kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she’ll walk in.,Pam
1481,Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.,Pam
1482,I love my Mom. Okay. That’s probably really the most obvious statement ever.,Pam
1483,He said what?,Pam
1484,"Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it’s up to me to revive him.",Pam
1485,"The thing about Jim, is when he’s excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.",Pam
1486,"Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they’re like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh… I don’t know! You know? They’re just… She calls him, and they… You know, I’m sorry. I feel like I’m talking really loud. Am I talking really loud?",Pam
1487,"I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just… good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car.",Pam
1488,I’m guessing Angela’s the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.,Pam
1489,"Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh, yeah. Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.",Pam
1490,"Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who’s getting a better job offer. Like, for real.",Pam
1491,"Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that’s today. I call it the Perfect Storm.",Pam
1492,"Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I’m not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that’s why he started casual Fridays.",Pam
1493,I’ll take those. Thanks.,Pam
1494,"Here’s what we think happened. Michael’s sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who’s causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn’t work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.",Pam
1495,"It’s performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don’t really know what to expect.",Pam
1496,It’s like squishing a spider under a book. It’s gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it’s really dead. Sooo… If you guys see anything… ?,Pam
1497,What? Ohhhh… Yes! Thank you!,Pam
1498,"Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn’t mean that they’re together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on.",Pam
1499,"Yeah, I think I made the right choice.",Pam
1500,"Oh God no, Dwight isn’t my friend… Oh my God! Dwight’s kind of my friend!",Pam
1501,"Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.",Pam
1502,Somebody did something bad to Michael’s carpet. Maybe that’s all we need to know.,Pam
1503,"Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can’t see Michael’s head. It’s working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.",Pam
1504,"Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.",Pam
1505,"I’ll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is … okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would’ve happened, so thank you.",Pam
1506,"Hey, what’s that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.",Pam
1507,"Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I’m not messing this up, so I’ll see you tomorrow.",Pam
1508,"Calling from my cell phone. I don’t know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael’s carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.",Pam
1509,Today’s a ‘women in the workplace’ thing. Jan’s coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about… um… I don’t really know what. But Michael’s not allowed in. She said that about five times.,Pam
1510,I don’t know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um… I mean we get along great. Fine. Um… I guess the person I have the most in common with is…,Pam
1511,Dreams are just that. They’re dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It’s nice but… um… I don’t know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me.,Pam
1512,"It’s impractical. I’m not going to try to get a house like that. Um… they don’t even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I’m never going to… .",Pam
1513,"Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big.",Pam
1514,Michael’s got a few tricks for Valentine’s Day. He found a place where you can get 12 plastic roses for $10 and he’s got a great line. “Me so thorny.”,Pam
1515,I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um… just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then… I just… I don’t want to offend… Angela… or someone.,Pam
1516,I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.,Pam
1517,"If I knew I had a week to live, I would… probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And… I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. …It would be a pretty busy week.",Pam
1518,Michael’s birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don’t know… It was a good day.,Pam
1519,Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.,Pam
1520,"What? Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can’t for some reason. Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything.",Pam
1521,"There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but … it’s my wedding. And I don’t want anyone there who has called me a hussy.",Pam
1522,I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I’ve been really nice to her… and I haven’t told anyone. And what the hell?!,Pam
1523,I’m pretty happy these days. I’m getting married soon and I’m getting along with everybody at work.,Pam
1524,Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.,Pam
1525,Sometimes I don’t put Michael through until he’s already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.,Pam
1526,"About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn’t know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don’t know, mom, he’s my best friend. Yeah, he’s great. Yeah, I think I am. I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim…",Pam
1527,"Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib, and he’s making us play it with him. We are so happy. No. I’d like to choose a different adjective.",Pam
1528,"Yeah, I didn’t go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can’t really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I’m, I’m doing well. I have my own apartment. I’m taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.",Pam
1529,What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody’s personal business!,Pam
1530,"Yes, I have a date. He’s a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I’m kind of nervous. I haven’t been on a first date in nine years… probably shouldn’t broadcast that.",Pam
1531,"I went on a date. It wasn’t a love connection, um… I think when I like someone again, I’ll just kinda know.",Pam
1532,"Movie Monday started with training videos, but we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it’s been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.",Pam
1533,"Hey Kelly, my stuff just got here.",Pam
1534,"Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo, I felt like I wanted some new clothes. I mean, I just, I wanted to, it just, I felt like it was time, to maybe um… just get new clothes.",Pam
1535,"I have this little vacuum cleaner that’s broken. If Dwight doesn’t work out, maybe that could be manager.",Pam
1536,"Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I’m gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it’ll be cool to just have some after work clothes that aren’t pajamas.",Pam
1537,"I may have a few weeks ago faked a call from Jan in order to get out of a synopsis of, I think it was, Navy: NCIS. Since then, Michael’s been suspicious.",Pam
1538,Did I wake up this morning thinking I’d be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.,Pam
1539,"Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, “Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that.”",Pam
1540,"It’s weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it’s like he’s five.",Pam
1541,Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It’s really not a big deal. To some people it is.,Pam
1542,"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He’s, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.",Pam
1543,It’s like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier.,Pam
1544,"Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan’s body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It’s an old bet, but a deal’s a deal.",Pam
1545,Very official.,Pam
1546,"I decided to come. Uh… I feel a little under-dressed… but at least I’m not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?",Pam
1547,"It’s a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, “Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.” So, maybe that’ll stop now.",Pam
1548,"Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There’s another annoying boss, another desk, I’d have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay.",Pam
1549,"Yes! I’m in a good mood today! I’m excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That’s always a thing that makes people happy… to have an old friend back.",Pam
1550,"The day’s going fine. It’s been a little chaotic but it’s fine. It’s great! A lot of distractions. But, it’s good.",Pam
1551,Wow. That was… wow.,Pam
1552,"I feel like I’ve been kinda cold to Karen and there’s no real reason for it. I mean it’s not like she’s ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn’t be cold to her.",Pam
1553,"No, I didn’t mind helping Jim with his problem. That’s what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.",Pam
1554,"Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I’m Jamaican-him-crazy. I don’t know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this.",Pam
1555,Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes.,Pam
1556,"Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory ’07. It’s actually a success compared to Disco Audit ’05.",Pam
1557,"Something’s up with Jim and Karen. Not that I’ve been eavesdropping. It’s not really any of my business, but I’ve gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim’s neck.",Pam
1558,"Phyllis… ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like ‘Wait, thought I called that off’.",Pam
1559,"Also, Pam and Roy.",Pam
1560,I’m really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. … Is that braggy? I don’t mean it to be braggy.,Pam
1561,"I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol’ Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy.",Pam
1562,"I really don’t want to talk about it. I don’t mean to be rude, but I just… I don’t want to comment on what happened. It",Pam
1563,It’s been a really rough couple of days… This helps a little.,Pam
1564,"I don’t know how the whole betting thing started, but it’s fun.",Pam
1565,Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman’s touch.,Pam
1566,Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother.,Pam
1567,My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association.,Pam
1568,"I don’t often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim’s… Whoo, I am… I am saying a lot of things.",Pam
1569,I’m kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don’t need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe.,Pam
1570,"You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe’s already coming in handy. Coming!",Pam
1571,"It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand…",Pam
1572,"About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.",Pam
1573,"I have the most boring job in the office, so… why wouldn’t I have the most boring job on beach day?",Pam
1574,"Oooh, uh hah, ooh! Wha-hoo! Ahhhh…",Pam
1575,"Sometimes Michael gets nostalgic and he talks about the classic gang. That’s Michael, me, Jim, Dwight, Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Stanley, Phyllis, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Ryan. We’re a regular Ocean’s Eleven.",Pam
1576,"After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he’s coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so thank you.",Pam
1577,"No, it’s fine. I’m sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around… that",Pam
1578,"I’m happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche… Maybe I’m being cliche. I don’t care. Cause I am what I am. That’s Popeye.",Pam
1579,"I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret… you reply, “Absolutely, I do.”",Pam
1580,I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.,Pam
1581,"No, I don’t know what the future holds, but… I’m optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I… are just… too similar. Maybe one day I’ll find my own Karen. But— you— that is, a, um, you know, not— A man. A man version. But, uh, until then… I can hold my head up. … I’m not gay.",Pam
1582,"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I’ll transfer you.",Pam
1583,Kelly made me realize something. She and I have… nothing in common. And I need more friends.,Pam
1584,Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It’s really nice to be good friends again.,Pam
1585,They say if you’re nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on… or a funny coat.,Pam
1586,"I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn’t see it? Did Jim say that I didn’t see it? I saw it!",Pam
1587,Dwight mercy killed Angela’s cat. It’s very complicated. It’s caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness.,Pam
1588,"Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.",Pam
1589,"He’s a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s identified with her character.",Pam
1590,Mo Chuisle. He’s watching Million Dollar Baby… He’s gonna try to kill me.,Pam
1591,Oh my God. What century is this?,Pam
1592,"Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn’t do that to Dwight… or Angela… or Andy.",Pam
1593,"Man, Angela really had a hold on him. Angela.",Pam
1594,Dwight.,Pam
1595,Jim’s just really passionate about Italian food.,Pam
1596,"I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.",Pam
1597,"Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we’re always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It’s very exclusive.",Pam
1598,"I’m kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. I’m not really the jealous type, so, I don’t care if Jim sees Karen. I care a little.",Pam
1599,Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a “get to know you” weekend. Michael wasn’t invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.,Pam
1600,"Here’s the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation.",Pam
1601,"I don’t care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for… at a dinner party.",Pam
1602,I know Jan didn’t poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn’t it be me? Michael’s former lover?,Pam
1603,One night…,Pam
1604,"Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn’t care, but he promised me his old one. It’s way better. It’s one of these. I really want it.",Pam
1605,"I’m setting Michael up with my land lady. She’s really sweet and… whatever, I just can’t take Michael like this.",Pam
1606,"There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, “What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?” He said, “If I’m dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.”",Pam
1607,"Um… yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend’s house and, I forgot my contact solution, so… I had to wear my backup glasses… Shut up.",Pam
1608,"What’s it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I’ll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I’m 20/400. You got it? Okay, I’m gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can’t see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can’t see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael… it’s great.",Pam
1609,"Yeah, if I could have seen what he just did, I think I would have gotten angry.",Pam
1610,"So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn’t have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn’t have to play basketball. Those were the days!",Pam
1611,"My old art room. Oh, maybe it’s still here! No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind.",Pam
1612,"I wouldn’t go if things weren’t so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn’t go then either. So, the timing’s perfect… And that is the first time I’ve ever used the word “perfect” in here!",Pam
1613,"Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn’t he? No, he’s not… Is he?",Pam
1614,"I’m gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office.",Pam
1615,"Don’t tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.",Pam
1616,"Oh look, they’re starting.",Pam
1617,"I don’t know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight…",Pam
1618,"Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. What up, 212?",Pam
1619,"New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city’s awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?",Pam
1620,"I’m not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We’re just… a little out of sync. You know, that’s all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.",Pam
1621,"New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.",Pam
1622,"Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.",Pam
1623,"So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can’t even take off my hat, because then I’m Hitler.",Pam
1624,"I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they’re into the idea. They’re probably thinking, “That Pam Beasly, she’s the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She’s the best! The absolute best.”",Pam
1625,They came up with that idea really fast.,Pam
1626,Jim? Jim?,Pam
1627,Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na.,Pam
1628,Right Dwight is loud.,Pam
1629,"Oh, come on! Do you see this? Disgusting.",Pam
1630,"So, I guess that’s how they’re gonna play this. It is on. It is so on.",Pam
1631,"Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I’ve had two engagement rings, and only one chair?",Pam
1632,"Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It’s actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.",Pam
1633,My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and… it kinda sucks. Jim’s been great. But I’m gonna need to buy my dad a robe.,Pam
1634,"Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom.",Pam
1635,"Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?",Pam
1636,What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?,Pam
1637,"Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I’m sorry, Michael’s not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks.",Pam
1638,"Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I’ll see ya then.",Pam
1639,When you’re a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them.,Pam
1640,"I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so…",Pam
1641,"Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin.",Pam
1642,"So, detour. We’re now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don’t think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! I’ve been driving too long.",Pam
1643,"Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah.",Pam
1644,"Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly’s boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! Cutting down the competition.",Pam
1645,Don’t look up. Don’t look up.,Pam
1646,"They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I’d like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. Vending machine.",Pam
1647,"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. No, I’m sorry he’s not back from the Civil Rights rally. I’ll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.",Pam
1648,"When Michael’s skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. ‘Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ‘ ‘An Obama fashion show. ‘ Whatever… that is. Or ‘trapped in an oil painting.’ I’m gonna save that one.",Pam
1649,He finally has a story everyone wants to hear… and he knows it.,Pam
1650,"During the course of business, a copier goes though something called ‘Normal wear and tear.’",Pam
1651,"Yesterday, they delivered the new one. But they didn’t set it up. So my day just got a little more interesting.",Pam
1652,"I’m at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier, and I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did.",Pam
1653,"I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book, in plastic with offset colors. Which feels…",Pam
1654,"I make that one copy, and I become the girl who makes copies, and by the end of the day I’m receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it’s cold in there. Cause it’s technically a closet.",Pam
1655,I’m just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that’s okay. The air smells so good. I don’t remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.,Pam
1656,I’m here. I’m a part of this now.,Pam
1657,We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says “Alleluia Church of Scranton.” in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.,Pam
1658,"When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don’t blame the child. He didn’t know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, “Drive, kid. I trust you.”",Pam
1659,"If you don’t take out his battery, he just keeps going all day.",Pam
1660,Maybe I played a little in junior high… and in high school… maybe a little in college… and went to volleyball camp most summers.,Pam
1661,"This is the last day of our summer interns. It’s been nice. We haven’t had interns for a while, ever since Michael’s Monica Lewinsky incident. He didn’t do anything sexual. He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program.",Pam
1662,It’s clear why we were trying not to tell people. That’s clear now.,Pam
1663,"We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldn’t be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. Which is why we’re having it in Niagara Falls. Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off, if they came. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work.",Pam
1664,"It’s awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn’t Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?",Pam
1665,Is this what I’ve become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. oh look! “Mrs. Pam Halpert!” That’s the first time I’ve seen it in writing!,Pam
1666,The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.,Pam
1667,I don’t think I’m asking for too much. I guess it’s just the end of courtesy in the workplace.,Pam
1668,"Michael’s been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don’t know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he’s planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out.",Pam
1669,Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn’t even blow it.,Pam
1670,I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one.,Pam
1671,Yup.,Pam
1672,Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!,Pam
1673,Yes! They’re the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.,Pam
1674,"It might seem crazy, but since there’s no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin’s highest ranking employee. So, that’s where we are.",Pam
1675,"For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley… although, I get it.",Pam
1676,"There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I’ll get there. And if I don’t get there, I don’t get there.",Pam
1677,Julie laughs at everything.,Pam
1678,"It’s my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?… It rocked. It rocked my ass off.",Pam
1679,"I’m not saying she’s in love with him. But she could have left a while ago. Most printer sales are done over the phone, Ms. Boob shirt.",Pam
1680,"So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. This photo was taken this morning. It’s Cece. She’s never gonna do anything wrong.",Pam
1681,"I feel horrible for blowing Jim’s prank. I don’t know if you can tell, but he’s mildly upset. And Dwight hasn’t been messed with in a while, so he’s become a monster. I need to make this right.",Pam
1682,"The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that’s fair.",Pam
1683,There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That’s the main way. But this could work.,Pam
1684,"Hey Michael, um… about three months ago, I was talking to…",Pam
1685,"There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there’s a lot of department heads. But I’m off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone.",Pam
1686,"The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards.",Pam
1687,It’s just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.,Pam
1688,"People are really into the costume contest this year. Might have something to do with the prize, maybe you’ve heard of it. The 2011 Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book worth over fifteen thousand dollars in savings!",Pam
1689,Angela as the nurse!,Pam
1690,"Okay, everyone, I’ve tallied the votes, and the winner… of the costume celebration spectacular… and the Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book… Oscar Martinez.",Pam
1691,"Cece, is reverse cycling, which means she sleeps all day and is up all night. Which basically means I’m up all day and I’m up all night. And if it doesn’t stop soon, I am going to be up all night.",Pam
1692,"Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It’s actually a great idea and I can’t believe it didn’t exist before. And I know Ryan’s kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim. I’ve done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set.",Pam
1693,"I’m the office administrator now, which means I’m basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head… I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.",Pam
1694,"I’ve been working forever on Jim’s present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He’ll take a memory or a private joke, and he’ll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes ‘bear man’. Wreaks havoc on the office. It’s really good.",Pam
1695,"Jada, Darryl, I’m so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him?",Pam
1696,"I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she’s awesome.",Pam
1697,Lesson learned.,Pam
1698,"I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don’t wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! Right?",Pam
1699,I’m full on corrupt!,Pam
1700,"Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn’t need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves.",Pam
1701,...,Pam
1702,"No he wasn’t sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an award’s member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.",Pam
1703,"So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes…The Horse Flyer.",Pam
1704,We need a new manager.,Pam
1705,How is this on me?,Pam
1706,They’re the same picture.,Pam
1707,"Okay, I know I’ve been crying easily today, but- I mean, that’s just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it’s stupid. No. It’s wonderful. I’m gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.",Pam
1708,Let’s see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I’ve heard ‘Closing Time’ a hundred and five times. Still don’t know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home.,Pam
1709,I’m training a temp to be my replacement while I’m on maternity leave. Oh I should’ve mentioned I’m pregnant. You probably didn’t notice because it’s impossible to tell I’m so small. But yeah I’m pregnant. Oh come on!,Pam
1710,"The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you’re a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren’t true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who’s telling me the truth.",Pam
1711,Why was he making her laugh so much?,Pam
1712,"Yeah, its nuts. But I don’t know what else to do.",Pam
1713,"I know it’s wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it’s necessary.",Pam
1714,: I’m going into labor!,Pam
1715,"At this point, when you’re this pregnant, it’s kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.",Pam
1716,"There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not — it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.",Pam
1717,"Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.",Pam
1718,"I’m sorry, we’re throwing a party for someone because they’re being horrible?",Pam
1719,I’m still not sure why this woman is even here.,Pam
1720,"I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I- I felt like that question was coming.",Pam
1721,"I’ve been through several rounds of development with the team and here’s where we stand with the chore wheel. We’ve got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it’s more fun this way.",Pam
1722,The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It’s so cute no one seems to mind.,Pam
1723,Toilets!,Pam
1724,I think maybe there actually is something I don’t know about Jim.,Pam
1725,Jim’s at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.,Pam
1726,Nellie’s pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.,Pam
1727,Good. Good. And—,Pam
1728,I still can’t believe he didn’t tell me.,Pam
1729,"Ten years ago, I didn’t care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I’m like, that poor gimp is somebody’s child.",Pam
1730,"Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met.",Pam
1731,"Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that?",Pam
1732,"Jim’s been spending a few days a week in Philly and I’m not gonna lie, it’s been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I’m exhausted. But don’t tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he’s doing it all for the family.",Pam
1733,"I’m sure she’s just confused. People scratch their heads when they’re confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.",Pam
1734,"Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let’s not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I’ll tell her it was me.",Pam
1735,"I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we’ll have a few laughs. There’s a right way to do this.",Pam
1736,"No, I’m not upset. I’m really excited for Darryl… Maybe I’m a little disappointed that we’ll be losing him.",Pam
1737,"I’ve really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it, because he’s in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody is doing. I’m usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But, I don’t know, this time I feel like it’s, um, it’s really coming together… Oh my god! Wha? You’ve gotta be kidding me! What it… are those… are those butts? Huh? No way. No way!",Pam
1738,"Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don’t know everybody’s name down here, but whoever did this will you please raise your hand. Hello? This is not over. OK? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It’s my choice.",Pam
1739,"I don’t demand justice often. I’m not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val’s no help. Andy’s gone. Jim’s out. I just feel like I’m on my own here. I mean, OK, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian.",Pam
1740,"Oh that’s mine! Um, I’ll just, I’ll get it out of the way for you.",Pam
1741,"Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It’s um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. I’m sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.",Pam
1742,Oh my god. He’s Michael Scott.,Pam
1743,"I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can’t.",Pam
1744,"He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he shouldn’t be rewarded for that.",Pam
1745,"I feel like he’s always making these decisions for the family, and then I’m left playing catch-up.",Pam
1746,"I’m sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don’t want him to do it anymore, and I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.",Pam
1747,I wish we’d started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so… blocked up.,Pam
1748,"When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he’s giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he’s certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim.",Pam