INSTRUCTION
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RESPONSE
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Do you ever have silly putty? Oh yes. Do you know what silly putty is? You know, you put it, did you ever do it where you put it on a comic strip? Oh yeah. And then you take the comic strip and then you can put that on another piece. I didn't have silly putty.
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But in the summer, when I was sweaty, I would put my balls on the, on the comics.
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And then on that, we had, uh, uh, like a linoleum, like a, like a linoleum countertop.
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My mom said, who put fucking Beetle Bailey all over it? Beetle Bailey was there. You know what it is?
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There's a lot of humidity, which oh yes, no, for transferring it just adds another. It's like.
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You would think Beetle Bailey started on the counter and didn't start in the comics.
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Now I do because I did things I shouldn't, I got cut from uhm, I got cut from one of those uhm,
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The red, those little red, did you ever play Monopoly? Yeah. Those houses. Sure. I got, uh, cut, I cut my nuts on one of those red houses.
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Didn't say I was adhering them. I thought it would be funny if I adhered them.
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Yes. Nuts. And I was trying to, what I was creating was a cul-de-sac.
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When you buy Monopoly, you'll say, like, the small object could be a choking hazard. They don't...
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Well, you can imagine how much they bleed from a monopoly house. It's more than, more than, are you nuts?
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Once you get the perineal duck, that's a side street. That's a bad neighbor.
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That's a bad neighborhood. Filled with lotion. True. From two weeks ago at Target. It's a flood wave. Yea, it's a circle of life.
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Literally under the sun. Yes. Yes. That's awesome. Literally. I was a child. I didn't have a lot of friends. I didn't have any friends. Really? It was just me and my nuts.
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Your balls float. Your balls don't have enough fat in them. No, that's not true. I'm telling you that there's a problem that you should actually talk to your wife. Is she really a doctor? Yes. What kind of medicine does she probably have?
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But I'm being honest with you that it's a problem. If it sinks, there could be some, uh, you could have a fibro, a fibroid. You could have lead in there.
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I've been married for a long time though. I'm married, I'm old, I've been married for 43 years. That's no small feat. That's tough. No, it's...
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I'm, I'm doing Kegel exercises right now. Oh yea? While we're in a Kegel stand?
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It's just Kegels. I do Kegels, and uhm, I'm not gonna show it now, but I've got a, uh. I'm doing it right now. Are you really? Uh huh.
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Seagrams. Crown Royal is Seagrams. Seagrams is a big Canadian company.
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So that's, I want to, uh, on behalf of me and my entire country, I just wanted, that's why I want to be here. I want to apologize. Thank you. And thank you. Now I understand the symbolism of your fake fire behind you. Yes, that was, that's the White House.
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We would, I gotta tell you that when I started school, every morning we sang God Save the Queen. We didn't have a flag until I was in fifth grade.
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Yeah, I was already 10 years old. Wow. You were born in 55?
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My nutsink also. That's instead of DNA. Nuts.
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All within 15 minutes. I'm sorry. Shane, Shane canceled the podcast. The dog did not die. You think they're connected? I don't believe it. I saw the photo. I sent a photo because he said, I don't, who says I don't believe it. I go, I can't talk now. My dog died. I sent him a photo and he said, I don't believe it. Let me see that dog. You think they're connected?
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We rescued him about six years ago. My wife and I rescued him.
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He has been the pillar. I rescued him the same day my father passed.
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And the dog has been there and I said, I'm coming to Austin.
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And there's only one reason to come to Austin. I wanna, I wanna talk to Shane. Shane has been blowing up the internet, been blowing up the comedy world. Blowing up toilets. Blowing up, but I'm telling you, cause he meant a lot to me. I'm one of the owners of Just For Laughs. Oh really? And Shane was at New Faces.
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That was the other fact. He got Saturday Night Live. I know. And when I heard that, I've been watching Saturday Night Live every Saturday and you're not getting a lot of screen time.
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You said it. I didn't say anything. But you were supposed to be on Saturday Night Live and then. Yea. Something like that. And then.
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My mother was so worried about me and paid to have the shots for the dog and the dog has been with me ever since.
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And I came here to Austin and I said, you know what?
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What I love, what I would love is if I could talk to Shane Gillett. Shane has been
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And I can't believe it, I flew all the way here, with the, this guy with the camera flew all the way here, and then I get a call.
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You look like a furry mix. Sorry Harry, it's okay.
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And then you said, I can't make it. And I go, what are you, what the fuck? He's not going to do my podcast.
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He said he can't make it. I said, I'll wait. I'll wait. Anytime. Just come for an hour. I'll bring my cameras here. I'll do something.
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And he said no. And then I went, I just.
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And he was taking a picture of it and I said send this to Shane. The dog died, he doesn't show up.
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I'm just trying to, I got over, I'm getting over the loss of my dog, you fucking up on my podcast, and all you're doing is, you know, just down.
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The truth of the matter is, it's not really about the dance. It's not about the movement. You have to...
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Give me some background. Tell me a story. Tell me something sad about your story. Tell me something that you and then with the story, then I
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I connect because my dog died. And what I do is when I see dogs on the street shitting that aren't mine, I'll pick up that shit to remind me of my dog. You dance to remind yourself of your dead parents.
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It's not about the movements. They're not perfect. You're not in time, but it's about the heart. And I don't know that if people who are watching wherever you're watching this, I don't know if they can feel it, but we feel it here in the room.
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I don't have the power to move you to whatever the next thing is from here.
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But if it was up to me. And there was a golden buzzer here.
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We have other guests. How would you compare yourself to Shane Gillins? People compare me all the time.
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Manifesting, manifesting, like if you have a goal and if you want something in life, you just manifest it and it'll come true. And if you, we always open, what is today's manifestation?
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Shane Gillis and Papa in the same room. Both of them alive too. Yeaah. And we just talk about the virtues of manifesting. That's what we do. That's the podcast. What's it called? The Mandela Effect? No, not the Mandela Effect.
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It's not as, it's not as smooth and well planned as this.
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I remember from Ghost. Wasn't that in Ghost? The movie Ghost?
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Shane, you get your, uh, Patreon thing. Put it between your legs like you're molding it.
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You get behind him like you're showing him how to mold it. And redo the scene from Unchained Melody from Ghost. Wouldn't that be great? And he makes that little egg, Patreon egg thing. It's like your balls. It does.
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You're right, after you peel the house off.
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Well, that's because you're not looking around. You're wondering whether your nuts are floating. I know. Look up young man. I can't. You may find if you're lucky. I'm looking for puddles down. You may find your own dead dog.
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How do you know? You know, turtles can be shocked very easily. You know that.
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I think that people don't understand.
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Comedy and don't understand that, you know, if somebody's up there and I'm not.
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Yeaah, he's always in his hat, or he makes the volcano. Volcanoes, onion volcanoes. The onion volcanoes. Awesome.
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I go up to people like right while they're playing and I'll go, I'll just, they're like so into it and they're figuring it out and they don't see me coming and I'll just put my chin on the shoulder and go, deal.
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There's no reason to shake hands. I don't think anybody, even if you're not a germaphobe, I don't understand if I don't know you. Yeah. Even if I do know you and you're not somebody I like, why do we need to touch? It doesn't even make sense.
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How was kissing invented? Who was the first guy, first guy or girl or whoever that said, you know, let's, I'm going to suck your face.
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The theory still stands- Would you ever consider AGT? Oh yeaah. I'm telling ya.
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We had a group come on, they were, I can't remember who they were, you know who they are Jeremy, that guy came on and just pissed himself. What?
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No, not Chad and JT. Chad and JT do the things where they go to HOA meetings and public meetings. These are guys that were really unreal, like good morning Wisconsin, and he was a
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I laughed, but they were really, the production was not happy.
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People thought it was a joke, like maybe he had something in his hand. You know, when I first started...
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But I wasn't known and I wasn't on TV and I just like, my whole act was a fucking joke when I started, you know that. It was a dare.
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My act was a dare. Was the glove thing a dare? Well, I'll tell you what the glove thing was, and I just talked about this recently. So somebody dared me to get on stage in the mid 70s, there was a before this boom that feels like it's happening again.
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They go, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel, I walk out and there's, there's a smattering of applause and then people sitting there. I've never been on a stage and the, and the, and you realize you, I see the, the mic and now these people, they stop laughing and I realized.
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And I started getting terrified and I started going, okay, okay, okay, okay. Alright, okay. And I was trying to think of something and they started giggling at my nervousness and my fear and I would go, what, what?
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I put my hands in my pocket and I had, uh, rubber gloves because I have OCD and I was out in public and I didn't want to touch anything. And I knew I probably had to go to the restroom. So I always carried gloves. So I had the glove and I took it out. I went, okay, okay, okay.
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And I just pulled it over my head and I started breathing and the fingers are going up. The audience is laughing and then I blew, I blew it up and it popped off my head and the audience.
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Yeah, and, and, and then, and then, uh, the owner of the club, Mark Breslin, he owns Yuck Yucks. Have you ever met Mark Breslin? He owns Yuck Yucks. He goes, you got to come back tomorrow. And I go and do what? He goes, do what you did. What the fuck?
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Close with the glove. I went, oh, okay. Wow. And so my act became out of nothing. My whole career is nothing.
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I did the shit in the pool, but I did it. I didn't want to go swimming. I could show you, you can see.
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When the Caddyshack come out, probably came out in 1980. If you look at Make Me Laugh in 1978, I'm on, and I talk about why I got thrown out of school. I threw the chocolate bar in the pool. When the kids hung around, they all showed up at the end of the day to look to see the turd at the bottom of the pool. And I just, without thinking, I dived in and came up with it in my mouth. And then they called me to the...
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Which I thought was funny, but when you're like 15 or 16 years old, I was the most disgusting. Everybody hated me and thought I had eaten shit.
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And then I did other things too. I moved to another school and then I thought it was funny and I didn't tell anybody because I didn't have any friends, but I hired a guy. I phoned the yellow pages to a contracting firm and I had the guy said, we want to add 25 feet onto the library on the west side of the school. Could you measure and give me a.
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He was like, that's an adult's name. Yeah, that was always Howard. Everybody was mad at him.
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But, but I, I said, and you need to do it at 3.15, uh, we'll open it up because the kids are in class. That's when I need you to measure and do it. And I did that because
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I was in math at that time and I looked out onto the field and it was funny to me to watch this guy with a tape measure and he's writing down things and he's out in the field. And then I saw the vice principal walk out in the field and talk to him. And I know like just in my own mind, he's going, what, what are you doing? And he's going, I'm going to give an estimate.
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2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>3422<2>1568<2>1532<2>3602<2>1855
You see the guy leaves and then they go in over the, over the loudspeaker says, would Howard Mandel please come to the office? And I go to the office and the, and the principal goes, did you?
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Are you getting a, uh, did you tell a guy to build a, uh,
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An addition onto the library? And I go, no. He goes, he gave me your name. And I go, no, I'm getting three estimates. I'm a lot more. And he goes, could you please, like he's nervous. He goes, could you please sit down? And I sat down and they called my parents and my parents came in.
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And he's explaining to my parents, you know, your son hired a company to put an addition onto the library.
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No, it was, I did a lot of things. I would do a lot of things. I came into class, we had a class on the second floor.
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And uhm, I would come in 10 minutes early, I would go before and I'd unlock the window and then I'd go to the janitor's office and I'd get a ladder and 10 minutes, the class is already in, I'm not there, I would just climb in through the window and go sit down at my desk like nothing happened.
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But they're good now. I'm almost 70 years old and I tell you these stories and now they get laughs. At that time I was a pariah.
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I didn't even have the wherewithal to say, hey, you don't understand it. I'm ahead of my time. You are gonna, you're gonna love it. In three decades from now, you are gonna find this so fucking funny. You know, I was.
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In a movie or something like that, if, if he took like three or four different things in a row, but you know, I asked questions. I, I'm just saying if you look at.
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Make me laugh. And you could look at the date on it at some time in 77 and then you look at when the Caddyshack come out.
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Yeah, so this is three years before I was talking about it on, it wasn't written yet.
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Yeah, it could be. It's a, it's easy to say that, you know, you throw a chocolate bar in a pool, two people could have thought of it. I'm not a genius.
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Hang out. Oh wait, we're doing, we're having a ceremony, we're having a ceremony for Papa. For the next.
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If you need a grave digger, cause I got a guy. We're not doing, we're not burying.
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No, they eat the, the, the duck is already, uh, it's almost, it's almost ready to hatch, but then it doesn't, and then you eat it.
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I thought I was one because it had the, it had the padlock on the outside, like nobody lives here. Then I see you and I went, Oh, maybe it's next door. Maybe I got the address off by one.
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