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Woman Disgusted By Magazine’s Glaring Use Of Photoshop In Spot-The-Difference Picture Game #~# PASO ROBLES, CA—Arguing that just because the changes were small didn’t mean they wouldn’t leave a lasting impact, local woman Ashley Hoffman told reporters Thursday she was disgusted by People Magazine’s glaring use of Photo... |
Community Hopes Killing 2 In Drunk-Driving Accident Serves As Wake-Up Call To Promising Young Rich Kid #~# WINNETKA, IL—Responding to the tragedy with a triumphant show of support, members of a local community came together Monday to express hope that killing two people in a drunk-driving accident would serve as a wake... |
SpaceX Rocket Part On Collision Course With Moon #~# The four-ton upper stage of a SpaceX rocket that did not return to Earth after a completed mission is on course to crash into the Moon and explode seven years after it was launched, producing an impact capable of creating a 65-foot crater. What do you think? |
Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Minimum Wage #~# As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate right now? |
Greatest NFL Playoff Moments #~# Joe Montana’s six-yard pass to Dwight Clark is worth watching on YouTube today, so that modern fans can marvel at how a pretty standard catch was somehow mind blowing at the time. |
‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Standing in the freezing rain at a site adjacent to Gillette Stadium, a stone-faced New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was heard to utter, “Let’s clear some cap space,” on Friday as he watched players... |
Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants #~# STANFORD, CA—With experts noting that it was more difficult than ever to secure a spot in a top medical facility, a study commissioned by U.S. News & World Report found that the most elite hospital only accepts 9% of ICU applicants. “What we’re seeing acro... |
Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift #~# THE COSMOS—In an acrimonious parting of ways that follows more than two millennia of heavenly collaboration, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced Friday He had started a rival eternal paradise after a bitter falling out with family... |
China Changes ‘Fight Club’ Ending To Have Authorities Win #~# Tencent, a popular Chinese streaming platform, has released a version of Fight Club that replaces the scene in which buildings are blown up as part of a plan to destroy consumerism with a caption telling audiences that authorities showed up just in time to s... |
NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole #~# THE MILKY WAY—In an effort to understand the fundamental nature of the regions of space-time, NASA confirmed the launch of a mission Friday to gently lower a hot dog on a fishing line into the black hole known as Sagittarius A. “For decades, we have striven... |
Potential Replacements For Supreme Court Justice Breyer #~# Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on Wednesday, leading to a flurry of speculation over who President Joe Biden will nominate to replace him. The Onion looks at the leading potential replacements for Justice Breyer. |
Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would eve... |
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire #~# Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer will reportedly step down at the end of the current term after nearly three decades on the bench, giving President Joe Biden an opportunity to nominate a successor who could serve for decades. What do you think? |
MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary #~# NEW YORK—In a “generous offer,” meant to bridge the gap between the two sides as contract bargaining negotiations stalled, Major League Baseball’s owners reportedly proposed Thursday that the agreement offer players college credit in lieu o... |
Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts #~# WASHINGTON—In a closed-door meeting to discuss strategies to fill the recently vacated court seat, President Biden reportedly met with Senate Democrats Thursday to discuss breaking up his Supreme Court nominee... |
Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You #~# Just because you have to be honest with cops doesn’t mean they have to be honest with you. Here are several common, totally legal lies that police officers will often tell you. |
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product test... |
Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom #~# PITTSBURGH—Saluting the legacy of a quarterback who brought two Super Bowls to the city and did so much to local women, Pittsburgh honored a retiring Ben Roethlisberger Thursday with a new commemorative statue in a local women’s bath... |
Spectators Cheer As Zookeeper Throws Fish To Very Chubby Boy #~# SAN DIEGO, CA—Watching with rapt enjoyment while employees hauled out buckets of herring, spectators cheered wildly Thursday as a zookeeper at the San Diego Zoo threw fish to a very chubby boy. “Woo-hoo, look at him jump and dance around—that little boy c... |
Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions #~# SEATTLE—Digging deep in the back of her kitchen cabinet, local woman Brenna White reportedly uncovered Wednesday a dusty can of bamboo shoots, the last remaining trace of her withered cooking ambitions. “A relic... |
Ana de Armas Fans Sue Hollywood Studio Over ‘Deceptive’ Film Trailer #~# Fans of Ana de Armas have filed a class action lawsuit against Universal Studios, claiming they were duped into renting the movie Yesterday when the trailer showed a brief glimpse of de Armas despite her character having been cut from the finished... |
Neil Young Demands Spotify Remove His Music Over Joe Rogan Vaccine Misinformation #~# Musician Neil Young wrote an open letter to his management and record label, demanding his classic song library be removed from Spotify if they continue to allow podcast hosts like Joe Rogan a platform to spread Covid-19 misinformatio... |
Celebrities Explain Why They Are Investing In Crypto #~# “I like the independence of investing in something that I can control the value of with one tweet.” |
John Stockton Claims Covid Vaccine No. 1 Reason Athletes Fail To Win Single Championship #~# SPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall of Fame NBA guard John Stockton claimed Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine was the No. 1 reason athletes fai... |
Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring #~# WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate... |
Police Flip Through Unsolved Crimes To See What Else They Can Pin On Mentally Disabled Man #~# HOUSTON, TX—Pleased by the unexpected boon to their department, local police officers reportedly flipped through a list of unsolved crimes Wednesday to see what else they could pin on Andy Poulton, the mentally disabled man c... |
The Onion Guide To NATO #~# NATO is in the news as tensions rise between member states and Russia over a potential military conflict in Ukraine. The Onion answers the most common questions about the history and role of NATO. |
Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Actually That Bad Or If Government Altered It #~# CHENGDU, CHINA—Expressing concerns about the blockbuster’s incoherent narrative and lack of real character development, local man Zhong Wei confirmed Wednesday that he was unsure if Godzilla Vs. Kong was actually this bad or if ... |
Nude Woman Pleasantly Surprised To See Self Represented In Art Museum’s Collection #~# NEW YORK—Calling the experience “deeply inspiring,” local nude woman Kassandra Harster told reporters Wednesday that she was pleasantly surprised to see herself represented in an art museum’s collection. “Wow—I don’t see many bodies ... |
Woman Tries To Buy Baby For $500,000 From Mother At Walmart #~# A woman in Crockett, TX has been arrested for attempting to purchase a stranger’s baby for $250,000, approaching the mother and her child while they were waiting in the self-checkout line at a Walmart, then upping her offer to $500,000 in the parking lot. ... |
Mom Believes New Boyfriend Could Give Son Positive Father Figure For Solid Couple Months #~# SANTA ANA, CA—Saying her child could benefit from the temporary support, 36-year-old single mother Desirée Wexler told reporters Wednesday she believes her new boyfriend could provide her son with a positive father figure for a... |
Frank Vogel Waiting For LeBron To Nod Before Drawing Next Line On White Board #~# BROOKLYN—Glancing out of the corner of his eye as his hand froze in place, Lakers head coach Frank Vogel was waiting for LeBron James to nod during Tuesday’s game before he drew the next line on his whiteboard. “Now, Anthony will come out... |
Cruise Ship Flees To Bahamas After U.S. Issues Arrest Warrant #~# A cruise ship that was supposed to dock in Miami sailed to the Bahamas instead after a U.S. judge granted an order to seize the vessel as part of a lawsuit over unpaid fuel, with the passengers taken by ferry to Ft. Lauderdale the next day. What do you t... |
‘It’s Over! It’s All Over!’ Screams Ticonderoga CEO, Dousing Office In Gasoline After Announcement SAT Going Digital #~# LAKE MARY, FL—Climbing atop his desk and wailing in despair, Dixon Ticonderoga CEO Thomas Clark reportedly screamed, “It’s over, it’s all over!” and doused the company’s offices in gasoline following... |
Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why #~# Unless you want the staff spitting in your food, we would avoid asking for the following things. Here are the special order modifications chefs hate the most and why. |
Too Early To Tell If Recent Celebrity Deaths Part Of Viral Pre-Super Bowl Ad Rollout #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the theory that everything could be leading up to the greatest advertising campaign of all time, local man 47-year-old Dale Rosenberg told reporters Tuesday that it was too early to tell if the recent c... |
Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game #~# TAMPA, FL—Following his team’s divisional-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady reportedly ripped into his nutritional supplements Tuesday for letting him down in a big game. “Magnesium,... |
Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From #~# SALTSBURG, PA—Cocking their shotguns and remarking that dinner tonight wouldn’t be for the faint of heart, the nation’s gun-toting uncles announced Tuesday that it was time to learn where food really comes from. “All right, boys, le... |
Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them #~# DENVER—Feeling like an entirely different person by the end of his 50-minute session, local man Dan Grady confirmed Tuesday that his problems really didn’t seem so bad now that his therapist had completely trivialized them. “It help... |
Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway #~# NEW YORK—Worried he would never be able to escape the aftereffects of his rigorous religious upbringing, local ex-Catholic Brock Lastra told reporters Tuesday that he still felt a twinge of guilt every time he masturbated on the subway. “I ... |
Archaeologists Find Rare 4,000-Year-Old Board Game #~# Archeologists have unearthed a rare 4,000-year-old board game in a Bronze and Iron Age settlement site in Oman, the game having grid markings that make it look similar to backgammon. What do you think? |
Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him #~# POTTSTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would be an ideal way to go out, area man Albert Bailey told reporters Tuesday that he was hoping his death is fucked up enough that he gets a law named after him. “I’m picturing it now: ‘Albert’s Law,’” said Bail... |
Theodore Roosevelt Statue Removed From Natural History Museum #~# A statue of U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt that sat in front of New York City’s natural history museum was removed this week after criticism over its controversial image of a Native American and African man holding “subservient positions” next to him.... |
CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse #~# Over the past year, tech giants like Facebook, Microsoft, and Google have invested billions of dollars into virtual reality technology. The Onion asked some of the world’s most powerful business leaders about the future of the metaverse, and this is what they said. |
Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces #~# DEARBORN, MI—As patience wore thin with the little boy’s repeated expressions of amazement and delight, sources confirmed Monday that obnoxious toddler Liam Primack was really rubbing his sense of childlike wonder in everyone’s faces... |
Woman Feeling Doubly Conflicted About Attending ‘Harry Potter’-Themed Plantation Wedding #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Troubled by the ethical implications of such an event, local woman Kennedy Feeney told reporters Monday that she was feeling doubly conflicted about attending a Harry Potter-themed plantation wedding. “She’s a clo... |
Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s #~# IRVING, TX—Corroborating a suspicion long held by critics in the environmental movement, documents leaked Monday confirmed that ExxonMobil has known exactly which day the world would end since the 1970s. “These documents prov... |
Teen Pilot Becomes Youngest Woman To Fly Around World Solo #~# Nineteen-year-old aviator Zara Rutherford has become the youngest woman to fly around the world solo, completing the 32,300-mile, 41-country journey in 155 days, breaking two Guinness World Records in the process. What do you think? |
Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure everything at home would be taken care of while she was on vacation, local woman Becca Hayworth, 29, reportedly asked Monday if a friend would mind coming by and assuming her identity for the next couple weeks. “If... |
Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value #~# WASHINGTON—Condemning Putin’s actions across the region in the strongest possible terms, President Joe Biden vowed Monday that if Russia invaded Ukraine, the United States would invade one country of equivalent value. “Shoul... |
Pragmatic Extremist Stresses Importance Of Assassinating Local Politicians #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Noting that it was possible to accomplish so much more at the city and state level, pragmatic extremist Eddie Jonson stressed the importance Monday of working to assassinate local politicians. “It’s easy to feel despondent ab... |
New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War #~# TENNESSEE—Deepening the ties between the two institutions, a new partnership between the NFL and the U.S. military unveiled Saturday would send the first 1,000 fans who stand for the national anthem off to war. “The National... |
Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office #~# Joe Biden has completed the first year of his presidency, a tenure that has seen its share of controversy and political gridlock. The Onion looks at the highlights of President Biden’s first year in office. |
M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’ #~# The makers of M&Ms have announced that the candy characters have undergone a makeover that brand executives say better reflects the diverse and nuanced world of their fans, with the green M&M now wearing sneakers instead of white, heeled go-go boots. ... |
Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine #~# LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to p... |
Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want #~# VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you wa... |
NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams #~# NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL announced Friday that it would be expanding this year’s Super Bowl to include two additional teams. “We think that bringing more teams and fandoms ... |
‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday #~# LOS ANGELES—Reassuring himself that he only needed to get through the next week without the actor’s demise to avoid another embarrassing blunder, People magazine editor-in-chief Dan Wakeford admitted Friday that he was swe... |
Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads #~# CHICAGO—Using the rendered animal fat to limit the impact of winter weather, Chicago city workers reportedly cleared ice Friday by pouring hot beef drippings onto roads. “In order to ensure residents can safely commute around the city, we are w... |
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster #~# CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame came under pressure Friday to return to Iraq an ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaste... |
Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers #~# New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought to be ceremonial staffs, were, in fact, the earliest-known drinking straws, used by people 5,000 years ago to sip beer... |
Starbucks Drops Worker Vaccine Mandate After SCOTUS Ruling #~# Starbucks is no longer requiring its U.S. workers to be vaccinated against Covid-19 or to regularly test for the virus, in one of the most high-profile corporate reversals since the Supreme Court blocked the Biden administration’s workplace vaccine policy. ... |
Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece of legislation Thursday that would appropriate federal funds to provide aid for her struggling perso... |
What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote #~# With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their voices heard. Here’s what to say to someone who refuses to vote. |
Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Grumbling under her breath about the lack of consideration for others, Riverside Methodist Hospital worker Deborah LaBrunda expressed frustration Thursday while rounding up gurneys that patients had left scattere... |
Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In #~# DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping centers in the area, ... |
U.K. Scientists Unearth 180-Million-Year-Old ‘Sea Dragon’ Fossil #~# The remains of a 33-foot-long ichthyosaur, a marine reptile that lived 180 million years ago, has been unearthed on a nature preserve in England, making it the largest and most complete fossil of its kind ever to be found in the U.K. What do you think... |
The Onion’s Guide To Wordle #~# Wordle is the internet’s new sensation. But why are people so obsessed with it? The Onion answers your burning questions about Wordle. |
Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of Covid-19, the Biden administration announced Wednesday it had placed a sign reading “take one” on a bowl of N95 masks and set it out ... |
Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Operation By Male Surgeon #~# A new study has revealed that women are 15% more likely to suffer a bad outcome and 32% more likely to die when operated on by a male surgeon than a female surgeon, with male surgeons’ “implicit sex biases” pointed out as one possible explanat... |
Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit #~# WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix... |
Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Sending shock waves through Wall Street with the once-in-a-generation acquisition, Apple revealed Wednesday that it had purchased tech giant Apple in a historic $3 trillion deal. “We’ve been fans of what Apple has been doing for quite some time, and we... |
Incompetent Film Director Totally Obscures Face Of Person Committing Murder #~# NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by the obvious lack of cinematic skill, viewers of the film The Darkest Kiss were reportedly disappointed Wednesday that the director’s incompetence had led him to completely obscure the face of the person committi... |
Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building #~# CHICAGO—Unable to remember one way or the other, local 32-year-old Sidney Golinski, who was unsure if she had turned off the burner she used to cook eggs for breakfast Wednesday, told reporters she had finally made p... |
FDA Drops Regulations On French Dressing #~# The FDA has announced it is revoking its standard of identity for French dressing that requires the sauce to contain at least 35% vegetable oil, and vinegar, lemon juice or both, which has been in place since 1950. What do you think? |
Tennis Star Novak Djokovic Deported From Australia After Losing Visa Battle #~# Australian officials have deported Novak Djokovic after the tennis star, who is unvaccinated against Covid-19, lost his final bid to stay in the country to play as the No. 1 seed in the Australian Open and defend his title. What do you thin... |
Transplant Surgeon Loses Medical License For Branding Initials On Patients’ Livers #~# A British surgeon has had his medical license revoked after he was found out to have burned his initials on to the livers of two patients during transplant surgery with a device meant to stop bleeding. What do you think? |
Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19 #~# While many parents, students, and teachers are reluctant to go back to remote learning, recent surges in Covid-19 make in-person teaching particularly challenging. Here are several signs your child’s school is not ready to be open during a global pandemic. |
Los Angeles Residents Giddy After Learning Big Hollywood Movie Being Shot In Their Town #~# LOS ANGELES—Crowding around the set in hopes of a potential celebrity sighting, Los Angeles residents were reportedly giddy Tuesday after learning that a big Hollywood movie was being shot in their town. “Wow, I can’t believe th... |
Single Woman Wonders How Long She’d Be Dead In Apartment Before Anyone Bothered To Come By And Eat Her Face #~# CHICAGO—Imagining all the ways she could accidentally injure herself without being able to call for help, local single woman Billie Gorman reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how long she could lie dead in her ... |
Neglected Dog Always Wearing Same Clothes #~# CHICAGO—Shaking their heads as they watched the 6-year-old beagle mix walk by with its owners, sources expressed concern Tuesday that a local dog must be neglected, noting that it was always seen wearing the same set of clothes. “That poor thing owns one shabby outfit,” sai... |
Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013 #~# SIESTA KEY, FL—Selecting a gem he hoped would match the meaningfulness of their relationship, 26-year-old Owen Nowicki reportedly proposed to girlfriend Jillian Rice on Monday with an heirloom ring once worn by his divorced sister in... |
Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot #~# UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced capabilities, a smart home security camera reportedly conspired with burglars Monday in exchange for half the loot. Sou... |
Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden #~# ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse still overwhelmingly preferred a carrot to a photo of President Joe Biden. “A staggering 98 p... |
Grandmother Claims She Was Quite The Cum Dumpster Back In The Day #~# MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother Edith Mooney claimed Monday that she was quite the cum dumpster back in the day. “You know, I may not look it now, but back in my pri... |
Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse #~# Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden. |
Queen Strips Prince Andrew Of Royal And Military Titles Amid Sexual Assault Lawsuit #~# Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles and charities, a day after a judge ruled a sexual abuse civil lawsuit against the Queen’s son could proceed. What do you think? |
PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early #~# HONOLULU—Wiping the sweat from his head as he studied a baffling putt angle on the eighth green, PGA golfer Grant Fahey told reporters Friday that he was hoping to hit the office later if his round finished early. “It’s been a long week out on the links, b... |
The Onion’s Guide To Web3 #~# Web3 is being called the future of the internet. But what is Web3, exactly? The Onion explains. |
Wayfair Shopper Who Didn’t Read Dimensions Would Never Have Bought Sofa If She Knew It Was 300 Feet Tall #~# OLATHE, KS—Kicking herself for failing to read the product’s dimensions, local woman Annalisa Farrell told reporters Friday that she never would have bought her new Wayfair sofa had she known it was 300 feet tal... |
Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them #~# Unfortunately, men are pigs who will say just about anything to trick you into sleeping with them. Here are lies you should definitely watch out for before going home with some random guy at a bar. |
‘I Don’t Love You Anymore And I’m Taking The Kids’ Talk Goes Surprisingly Well #~# AKRON, OH—Relieved by his measured and accepting reaction, local woman Megan Sjogren told reporters Friday that the “I don’t love you anymore and I’m taking the kids” talk she had with her husband went surprisingly well. “I was so nervo... |
Hospital Unveils New Delivery Taprooms For Bonding With Newborn Over Couple Beers #~# DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of Colorado Hospital Birth Center announced the opening Thursday of its first delivery taprooms, in which parents can spend ... |
‘Hero Rat’ Who Detected Landmines In Cambodia Dies In Retirement #~# Magawa, an African giant pouched rat in Cambodia who received a prestigious award for his life-saving duty finding dozens of landmines left over from a civil war 30 years ago, has died in retirement at 8 years old. What do you think? |
Insurance To Cover Costs Of At-Home Covid Tests Starting Saturday #~# The Department of Health and Human Services has announced that health insurers will be required to cover costs for over-the-counter, at-home Covid tests starting this Saturday, with each individual able to access eight tests a month for free. What do... |
LAPD Cautions Residents To Look Out For Dozens Of Bullets Officers Sent Ricocheting Around City #~# LOS ANGELES—Warning Angelenos to hit the deck, now, the Los Angeles Police Department asked residents Thursday to be on the lookout for dozens of bullets that its officers had sent ricocheting around the city. “Due to cr... |
LA Fitness Mandates All Members Entering Gyms Must Be Fully Vaccinated Or Tougher And Faster Than Guy Checking Cards #~# IRVINE, CA—Announcing a new policy with strict guidelines, LA Fitness unveiled a mandate Thursday that all members entering its gyms must be fully vaccinated against Covid-19 or tougher and faster th... |
CDC Announces Plan To Send Every U.S. Household Pamphlet On Probabilistic Thinking #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that the effort represented the best chance of ensuring American make responsible choices around the pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that it planned to send every U.S. ... |
Eric Adams Appoints Deputy Patsy For All Future Corruption Probes #~# NEW YORK—Newly elected New York City mayor Eric Adams continued to fill integral positions in his administration Thursday when he reportedly appointed a deputy patsy for all future corruption probes. “I’ve known Wendell Baez for years, he has a great... |
The Onion’s 1-Second Workout #~# Committing to a regular exercise regimen can be challenging, but even just a short burst of physical activity can help keep you healthy and fit. Follow The Onion’s 1-second workout to keep your body in peak physical condition. |
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