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Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call love is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. | |
It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. | |
I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. | |
Pretty specific pitch, Summer. | |
I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes-ass world that is high school. | |
But here's my reverse ask. | |
And how dare you even ask me that? | |
And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? | |
Uh, the adventure is the favor, Morty. | |
Me sleeping on these linens is the favor. | |
I mean, wha wha what are we vindicating? Comfort? | |
We don't have to do anything, Morty. This is just a structural guide. | |
We're obviously gonna impart our own style. | |
Shut up, Morty. You're 14. You watch videos of people on YouTube reacting to f***ing YouTube. | |
I'll be the judge of when we get too meta. | |
I just didn't know it would be like this. | |
What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable? Everyone can change their nature, Morty. | |
It's what defines our species. | |
Morty, you gotta turn into a car. | |
A long time ago, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream | |
to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. | |
Nobody gets it. Nothing you think matters, matters. | |
This isn't special. This is happening infinite times across infinite realities. | |
Yes! | |
Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all. | |
Otherwise, you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. | |
Mr. President, It's honestly all Morty's fault, but in the meantime, | |
you really want to keep | |
your amy of pointlessly camouflaged Eagle Scouts off my. | |
it's lost all meaning, Mr. P. | |
It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist? | |
It's a guy you don't like. Big deal. | |
It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar, but I'll tell you something tell you how I feel about school Jerry | |
Because if we can kill our enemies but we can't jack them off, then how are we better than them? | |
I'm the Rick. | |
I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. | |
It's your house, it's your world, you're a real Julius Caesar. | |
But I'll tell you ho ho how I feel about school, Jerry. | |
It's a waste of time. | |
Bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. | |
Guy up front says two plus two, people in the back say four. | |
Then the bell rings, they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper | |
that says you can go take a dump or something. | |
I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. | |
I know that's not a popular opinion. | |
That's my two cents on the issue. | |
And I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, | |
but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake | |
with syrup on top. | |
And I think we also like to be accused of crimes | |
when there's evidence. | |
So as they say in Canada, peace-oot. | |
What? | |
Hospital claims to have the best doctor | |
It's like those pizza places that claim | |
to have the best pizza in the world. | |
What do you think, they have pizza contests? | |
Have you ever been to a pizza contest? | |
Fine. | |
Pack your shit. | |
That's only going to keep them down for a little bit, Morty. | |
We got a good five minutes before they're backing up on our ass, Morty. | |
We have to pack up and move to a new reality, Morty. | |
You know, I said we can only do that a couple of times. | |
Now help me with these bodies. | |
Look, Morty, I'll grab myself. | |
You grab yourself, okay? | |
I mean, that seems fair to me. | |
I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up. | |
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? | |
Because we're afraid to die alone? | |
Because you know, that's exactly how we all die. | |
Alone. | |
You've always sucked. | |
You know why we haven't fought in years? | |
Because you're an embarrassment to me, | |
and I don't need you anymore. | |
I don't need anybody. | |
Top it off. | |
Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is? | |
And you added it to my portal fluid? | |
Oh, that's great logic, Morty. | |
Forgive me for not doing the kissy chef gesture | |
and I don't want to teleport my lips. | |
I won't take your word for that, and I shouldn't have to, | |
which is why I have sidekick rules. | |
If you can't follow them... | |
Excuse me? Did you just try to call my bluff? | |
Have you ever seen me bluff? | |
I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. | |
When I feel like it. So, you asked. |
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