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| | England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through Lake | | Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated Iron | | Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying at | | the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. , and | | Broadway; Chambers St.; Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. | | and Third Avenue,
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Harlem; Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots | | foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New York; No. | | Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the | | Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just | | the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary | | information. | | |
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+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | "The Printing House of the United States." | | | | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | | | | General JOB PRINTERS, | | | | BLANK anufacturers, | | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | | CARD Manufacturers, | | FINE CUT and
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COLOR Printers. | | | | , , , and PEARL ST., | | , , , and PINE ST., New York. | | | | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | | | | The New Burlesque
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Serial, | | | | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | | | | BY | | | | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | | | | Commenced in No. , will be continued weekly throughout the | | year. | | | | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | | with superb illustrations of |
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| | | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | | | | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | | as he appears "Every Saturday, will also be found in the | | same number. | | | | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,
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(or mailed from | | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | | | | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $ Chromo | | Premium, $. | | | | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now,
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to insure its regular | | receipt weekly. | | | | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | | | | Address, | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | | | | Nassau
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Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | CONANT'S | | | | PATENT BINDERS | | | | for | | | | "PUNCHINELLO," | | | | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | | receipt of One Dollar, by | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,
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| | | | Nassau Street, New York City. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | J. M. SPRAGUE | | | | Is the Authorized Agent of | | | | "PUNCHINELLO" | | | | For the | | | | New England States, | | | | To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ | | | |
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Canvassers. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | | | | STEEL PENS. | | | | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | | for business
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purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | | | | "," "," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | | | | D. APPLETON & CO., | | | | Sole Agents for United States | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ Vol. . No. . PUNCHINELLO SATURDAY, AUGUST , . PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
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NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, Continued in this Number. +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | | | | "PUNCHINELLO" | | | | Should be addressed to | | | | J. NICKINSON | | | | Room No. | | | | No. Nassau Street | |
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| +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | CHARLES C. CHATFIELD & CO., | | | | New Haven, Conn., | | | | Have Just Published | | | | "THE AMERICAN COLLEGES AND | | THE AMERICAN PUBLIC," | | | | BY | | | | PROF. NOAH PORTER, D.D., OF YALE COLLEGE. | | | | | | OPINIONS OF THE
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BOOK. | | | | "I have read it with very deep interest."--PRESIDENT McCOSH, | | PRINCETON. | | | | "An excellent and valuable work."--PRESIDENT CUMMINGS, | | WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY. | | | | "Able and just presentations of our colleges to the | | public."--PRESIDENT ANDERSON, ROCHESTER UNIVERSITY. | | | | "The discussion is not only very
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reasonable, but thorough, | | comprehensive and wise."--PRESIDENT BROWN, HAMILTON COLLEGE. | | | | "An able and scholarly review of the system of instruction | | pursued in our American Colleges."--PROF. FRANCIS BOWEN, | | HARVARD. | | | | "Unique, profound, discriminating."--PROF. L. H. ATWATER, | | PRINCETON. | | | | "The best book ever published on
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this subject of collegiate | | education."--SPRINGFIELD REPUBLICAN. | | | | The ontains pages, is printed on a fine quality of | | tinted paper, is handsomely bound, and is sold by all | | booksellers for $., and sent for the same (postage paid) | | to any address, by the publishers. | | | | | |
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NEW COLLECTION OF YALE SONGS. | | | | Just Published. | | | | SONGS OF YALE.--A new Collection of the Songs of Yale, with | | Music. Edited by CHARLES S. ELLIOT, Class of .--16mo, | | pages. Price in extra cloth, $.; in super extra | | cloth, beveled boards, tinted paper, gilt edges, $. | |
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| | | | | | UNIVERSITY SERIES. | | | | _Educational and Scientific Lectures, Addresses and Essays, | | brought out in neat pamphlet form, of uniform style and | | price._ | | | | I.--"ON THE PHYSICAL BASIS OF LIFE." By Prof. T. H. HUXLEY, | | LL. D., F. R. S. With an Introduction by
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a Professor in Yale | | College. 12mo, pp. . Price cents. | | | | The interest of Americans in this lecture by Professor | | HUXLEY can be judged from the great demand for it; the fifth | | thousand is now being sold. | | | | II.--THE CORRELATION OF VITAL AND PHYSICAL FORCES. By Prof. |
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| GEORGE F. BARKER, M.D., of Yale College. A Lecture delivered | | before Am. Inst., N. Y. Pp. . Price cts. | | | | "Though this is a question of cold science, the author | | handles it with ability, and invests it with interest. A | | series of notes appended is valuable as a reference to
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works | | quoted."-PROV. (R.I.) PRESS. | | | | III.--AS REGARDS PROTOPLASM, in Relation to Prof. HUXLEY'S | | Physical Basis of Life. By J. HUTCHINSON STIRLING, F. R. C. | | S. Pp. . Price cents. | | | | By far the ablest reply to Prof. HUXLEY which has been | | written. | | | |
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Other valuable Lectures and Essays will soon be published in | | this series. Address: | | | | CHARLES C. CHATFIELD & CO., | | | | No. Chapel Street, New Haven, Conn., | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | J. NICKINSON | | | | begs to announce to the friends of | | | | "PUNCHINELLO," |
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| | | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | | | | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | | | | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | | | | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses, | | can
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have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | | | | OFFICE OF | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | | | Nassau Street | | | | P. O. Box . | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | | | | Punchinello's Monthly. | | | | The Weekly Numbers for July, |
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| | | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | | | | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | | | | THE TRADE | | | | Supplied by the | | | | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | | | | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | WEVILL & HAMMAR, |
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| | | Wood Engravers | | | | Broadway | | | | NEW YORK | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | | | | BROADWAY, | | | | NEW YORK. | | | | Open Every Day from A.M. to P.M. | | | | | | Deposits of any sum, from Ten
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Cents | | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received. | | | | | | Six per Cent Interest, | | Free of Government Tax. | | | | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | | | | Commences on the First of every Month. | | | | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_ | |
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| | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | NEWS DEALERS | | | | ON | | | | RAILROADS, | | | | STEAMBOATS, | | | | And at | | | | WATERING PLACES, | | | | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | | | | "PUNCHINELLO" | |
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| | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | | Saleable Work. | | | | Single Copies Price cts. | | | | For trade price address American News Co., or | | | | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | | | Nassau Street | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | FORST & AVERELL | |
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| | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | | | | PRINTERS, | | | | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS. | | | | sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | | | | P. O. Box | | | | Platt Street, and - Gold Street, | | | | NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
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| FOLEY'S | | | | GOLD PENS. | | | | The Best and Cheapest. | | | | BROADWAY. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | $ to ALBANY and TROY. | | | | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | | commencing May , will leave Vestry st. Pier at :, and |
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| Thirty-fourth st. at a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | | cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | | at Albany (commencing June ) for Sharon Springs. Fare
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| | $. from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | ESTABLISHED | | | | JAS. R. Nichols, M.D., WM. J. Rolfe, A.M., Editors | | | | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | | | | Devoted to the Science of
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| | | | HOME LIFE, | | | | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | | | | $. Per Year. | | | | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)_ $.. | | | | Send for Specimen-Copy | | | | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | | | | CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | |
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HENRY L. STEPHENS, | | | | ARTIST, | | | | No. FULTON STREET, | | | | NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | | | | Draughtsman & Designer | | | | No. Fulton Street, | | | | Room No. , NEW YORK. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ The MYSTERY
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OF MR. E. DROOD. AN ADAPTATION. BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. . CLOVES FOR THREE. Christmas Eve in Bumsteadville. Christmas Eve all over the world, but especially where the English language is spoken. No sooner does the first facetious star wink upon this Eve, than all the English-speaking millions of this Boston-crowned earth begin casting off their hatreds, meannesses, uncharities, and
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Carlyleisms, as a garment, and, in a beautiful spirit of no objections to anybody, proceed to think what can be done for the poor in the way of sincerely wishing them well. The princely merchant, in his counting-room, involuntarily experiences the softening, humanizing influence of the hour, and, in tones tremulous with unwonted emotion, privately directs his Chief-Clerk to tell
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all the other clerks, that, on this night of all the round year, they may, before leaving the store at o'clock, take almost any article from that slightly damaged auction-stock down in the front cellar, at actual cost-price. This, they are to understand, implies their Employer's hearty wish of a Merry Christmas to them; and is a sign that, in
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the grand spirit of the festal season, he can even forget and forgive those unnatural leaner entry-clerks who are always whining for more than their allotted $ a week. The President of the great railroad corporation, in the very middle of a growling fit over the extra cost involved in purchasing his last Legislature, (owing to the fact that some
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of its Members had been elected upon a fusion of Radical-Reform and Honest-Workingman's Tickets,) is suddenly and mysteriously impressed with the recollection that this is Christmas Eve. "Why, bless my soul, so it is!" he cries, springing up from his littered rosewood desk like a boy. "Here, you General Superintendent out there in the office!" sings he, cheerily, "send some
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one down to Washington Market this instant, to find out whether or not any of those luscious anatomical western turkies that I saw in the barrels this morning are left yet. If the commercial hotels down-town haven't taken them all, buy every remaining barrel at once! Not a man nor boy in this Company's service shall go home to-night without
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his Christmas dinner in his hand! Lively, now, Mr. JONES! and just oblige me by picking out one of the birds for yourself, if you can find one at all less blue than the rest. It's Christmas Eve, sir; and upon my word I'm really sorry our boys have to work to-morrow as usual. Ah! it's hard to be poor,
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JONES! A merry Christmas to us all. Here's my carriage come for me." And even in returning to their homes from their daily avocations, on Christmas Eve, how the most grasping, penurious souls of men will soften to the world's unfortunate! Who is this poor old lady, looking as though she might be somebody's grandmother, sitting here by the wayside,
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shivering, on such an Eve as this? No home to go?--Relations all dead?--Eaten nothing in two days?--Walked all the way from the Woman's Rights Bureau in Boston?--Dear me! _can_ there be so much suffering on Christmas Eve? I must do something for her, or my own good dinner to-morrow will be a reproach to me. "Here! Policeman! just take this
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poor old lady to the Station-House, and give her a good warm home there until morning. There! cheer-up, Aunty; you're all right _now._ This gentleman in the uniform has promised to take care of you. Merry Christmas!"--Or, when at home, and that extremely bony lad, in the thin summer coat, chatters to you, from the snow on the front-stoop, about
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the courage he has taken from Christmas Eve to ask you for enough to get a meal and a night's-lodging--how differently from your ordinary style does a something soft in your breast impel you to treat him. "No work to be obtained?" you say, in a light tone, to cheer him up. "Of course there's none _here,_ my young friend.
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All the work here at the East is for foreigners, in order that they may be used at election-time. As for you, an American boy, why don't you go to h-- I mean to the West. _Go West_, young man! Buy a good, stout farming outfit, two or three serviceable horses, or mules, a portable house made in sections, a
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few cattle, a case of fever medicine--and then go out to the far West upon Government-land. You'd better go to one of the hotels for to-night, and then purchase Mr. GREELEY'S 'What I Know About Farming,' and start as soon as the snow permits in the morning. Here are ten cents for you. Merry Christmas!"--Thus to honor the natal Festival
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of Him--the Unselfish incarnate, the Divinely insighted--Who said unto the lip-server: Sell all that thou hast, and give it to the Poor, and follow Me; and from Whom the lip-server, having great possessions, went away exceeding sorrowful! Three men are to meet at dinner in the Bumsteadian apartments on this Christmas Eve. How has each one passed the day? MONTGOMERY
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PENDRAGON, in his room in Gospeler's Gulch, reads Southern tragedies in an old copy of the _New Orleans Picayune,_ until two o'clock, when he hastily tears up all his soiled paper collars, packs a few things into a travelling satchel, and, with the latter slung over his shoulder, and a Kehoe's Indian club in his right hand, is met in
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the hall by his tutor, the Gospeler. "What are you doing with that club, Mr. MONTGOMERY?" asks the Reverend OCTAVIUS, hastily stepping back into a corner. "I've bought it to exercise with in the open air," answers the young Southerner, playfully denting the wall just over his tutor's head with it "After this dinner with Mr. DROOD, at BUMSTEAD'S, I
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reckon I shall start on a walking match, and I've procured the club for exercise as I go. Thus:" He twirls it high in the air, grazes Mr. SIMPSON'S nearer ear, hits his own head accidentally, and breaks the glass in the hat-stand. "I see! I see!" says the Gospeler, rather hurriedly. "Perhaps you _had_ better be entirely alone, and
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in the open country, when you take that exercise." Rubbing his skull quite dismally, the prospective pedestrian goes straightway to the porch of the Alms-House, and there waits until his sister comes down in her bonnet and joins him. "MAGNOLIA," he remarks, hastening to be the first to speak, in order to have any conversational chance at all with her,
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"it is not the least mysterious part of this Mystery of ours, that keeps us all out of doors so much in the unseasonable winter month of December,[] and now I am peculiarly a meteorological martyr in feeling obliged to go walking for two whole freezing weeks, or until the Holidays and this--this marriage-business, are over. I didn't tell Mr.
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SIMPSON, but my real purpose, I reckon, in having this club, is to save myself, by violent exercise with it, from perishing of cold." "Must you do this, MONTGOMERY?" asks his colloquial sister, thoughtfully. "Perhaps if I were to talk long enough with you--" "--You'd literally exhaust me into not going? Certainly you would," he returns, confidently. "First, my head
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would ache from the constant noise; then it would spin; then I should grow faint and hear you less distinctly; then your voice, although you were talking-on the same as ever, would sound like a mere steady hum to me; then I should become unconscious, and be carried home, with you still whispering in my ear. But do _not_ talk,
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MAGNOLIA; for I must do the walking-match. The prejudice here against my Southern birth makes me a damper upon the festivities of others at this general season of forgiveness to all mankind, and I can't stand the sight of that DROOD and Miss POTTS together. I'd better stay away until they have gone." He pauses a moment, and adds: "I
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wish I were not going to this dinner, or that I were not carrying this club there." He shakes her hand and his own head, glances up at the storm-clouds now gathering in the sky, goes onward to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S boarding-house, halts at the door a moment to moisten his right hand and balance the Indian club in it, and
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then enters. EDWIN DROOD'S day before merry Christmas is equally hilarious. Now that the Flowerpot is no longer on his mind, the proneness of the masculine nature to court misfortune causes him to think seriously of Miss PENDRAGON, and wonder whether _she_ would make a wife to ruin a man? It will be rather awkward, he thinks, to be in
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Bumsteadville for a week or two after the Macassar young ladies shall have heard of his matrimonial disengagement, as they will all be sure to sit symmetrically at every front window in the Alms-House whenever he tries to go by; and he resolves to escape the danger by starting for Egypt, Illinois, immediately after he has seen Mr. DIBBLE and
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explained the situation to him. Finding that his watch has run down, he steps into a jeweler's to have it wound, and is at once subjected to insinuating overtures by the man of genius. What does he think of this ring, which is exactly the thing for some particular Occasions in Life? It is made of the metal for which
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nearly all young couples marry now-a-days, is as endless as their disagreements, and, by the new process, can be stretched to fit the Second wife's hand, also. Or look at this pearl set. Very chaste, really soothing; intended as a present from a Husband after First Quarrel. These cameo ear-rings were never known to fail. Judiciously presented, in a velvet
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case, they may be depended upon to at once divert a young Wife from Returning to her Mother, as she has threatened. Ah! Mr. DROOD cares for no more jewelry than his watch, chain and seal-ring? To be sure! when Mr. BUMSTEAD was in yesterday for the regular daily new crystal in his own watch--how _does_ he break so many!--_he_
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said that his beloved nephews wore only watches and rings, or he would buy paste breastpins for them. Your oroide is now wound up, Mr. DROOD, and set at twenty minutes past Two. "Dear old JACK!" thinks EDWIN to himself, pocketing his watch as he walks away; "he thinks just twice as much of me as any one else in
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the world, and I should feel doubly grateful." As dusk draws on, the young fellow, returning from a long walk, espies an aged Irish lady leaning against a tree on the edge of the turnpike, with a pipe upside-down in her mouth, and her bonnet on wrong-side-afore. "Are you sick?" he asks kindly. "Divil a sick, gintlemen," is the answer,
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with a slight catch of the voice,--"bless the two of yez!" EDWIN DROOD can scarcely avoid a start, as he thinks to himself, "Good Heaven! how much like JACK!" "Do you eat cloves, madame?" he asks, respectfully. "Cloves is it, honey? ah, thin, I do that, whin I'm expectin' company. Odether-nodether, but I've come here the day from New York
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for nothing. Sure phat's the names of you two darlints?" "EDWIN," he answers, in some wonder, as he hands her a currency stamp, which, on account of the large hole worn in it, he has been repeatedly unable to pass himself. "EDDY is it? Och hone, och hone, machree!" exclaims the venerable woman, hanging desolately around the tree by her
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arms while her bonnet falls over her left ear: "I've heard that name threatened. Och, acushla wirasthu!" Believing that the matron will be less agitated if left alone, and, probably, able to get a little roadside sleep, EDWIN DROOD passes onward in deep thought. The boarding-house is reached, and _he_ enters. J. BUMSTEAD'S day of the dinner is also marked
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by exhilarating experiences. With one coat-tail unwittingly tucked far up his back, so that it seems to be amputated, and his alpaca umbrella under his arm, he enters a grocery-store of the village, and abstractedly asks how strawberries are selling to-day? Upon being reminded that fresh fruit is very scarce in late December, he changes his purpose, and orders two
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bottles of Bourbon flavoring-extract sent to his address. And now he wishes to know what they are charging for sponges? They tell him that he must seek those articles at the druggist's, and he compromises by requesting that four lemons be forwarded to his residence. Have they any good Canton-flannel, suitable for a person of medium complexion?-- No?--Very well, then:
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send half a pound of cloves to his house before night. There are Ritualistic services at Saint Cow's, and he renders the organ-accompaniments with such unusual freedom from reminiscences of the bacchanalian repertory, that the Gospeler is impelled to compliment him as they leave the cathedral. "You're in fine tone to-day, BUMSTEAD. Not quite so much volume to your playing
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as sometimes, but still the tune could be recognized." "That, sir," answers the organist, explainingly, "was because I held my right wrist firmly with my left hand, and played mostly with only one finger. The method, I find, secures steadiness of touch and precision in hitting the right key." "I should think it would, Mr. BUMSTEAD. You seem to be
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more free than ordinarily from your occasional indisposition." "I am less nervous, Mr. SIMPSON," is the reply. "I've made up my mind to swear off, sir.--I'll tell you what I'll do, SIMPSON," continues the Ritualistic organist, with sudden confidential affability. "I'll make an agreement with you, that whichever of us catches the other slipping-up first in the New Year, shall
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be entitled to call for whatever he wants." "Bless me! I don't understand," ejaculates the Gospeler. "No matter, sir. No matter!" retorts the mystic of the organ-loft, abruptly returning to his original gloom. "My company awaits me, and I must go." "Excuse me," cries the Gospeler, turning back a moment; "but what's the matter with your coat?" The other discovers
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the condition of his tucked-up coat-tail with some fierceness of aspect, but immediately explains that it must have been caused by his sitting upon a folding-chair just before leaving home. So, humming a savage tune in make-belief of no embarrassment at all in regard to his recently disordered garment, Mr. BUMSTEAD reaches his boarding-house. At the door he waits long
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enough to examine his umbrella, with scowling scrutiny, in every rib; and then _he_ enters. Behind the red window-curtain of the room of the dinner-party shines the light all night, while before it a wailing December gale rises higher and higher. Through leafless branches, under eaves and against chimneys, the savage wings of the storm are beaten, its long fingers
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caught, and its giant shoulder heaved. Still, while nothing else seems steady, that light behind the red curtain burns unextinguished; the reason being that the window is closed and the wind cannot get at it. At morning comes a hush on nature; the sun arises with that innocent expression of countenance which causes some persons to fancy that it resembles
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Mr. GREELEY after shaving; and there is an evident desire on the part of the wind to pretend that it has not been up all night. Fallen chimnies, however, expose the airy fraud, and the clock blown completely out of Saint Cow's steeple reveals what a high time there has been. Christmas morning though it is, Mr. MCLAUGHLIN is summoned
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from his family-circle of pigs, to mount the Ritualistic church and see what can be done; and while a small throng of early idlers are staring up at him from Gospeler's Gulch, Mr. BUMSTEAD, with his coat on in the wrong way, and a wet towel on his head, comes tearing in amongst them like a congreve rocket. "Where's them
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nephews?--where's MONTGOMERIES?--where's that umbrella?" howls Mr. BUMSTEAD, catching the first man he sees by the throat, and driving his hat over his eyes. "What's the matter, for goodness sake?" calls the Gospeler from the window of his house. "Mr. PENDRAGON has gone away on a walking-match. Is not Mr. DROOD at home with you?" "Norrabit'v it," pants the organist, releasing
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his man's throat, but still leaning with heavy affection upon him: "m'nephews wen 'out with 'm --f'r li'lle walk--er mir'night; an' 've norseen'm--since." There is no more looking up at Saint Cow's steeple with a MCLAUGHLIN on it now. All eyes fix upon the agitated Mr. BUMSTEAD, as he wildly attempts to step over the tall paling of the Gospeler's
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fence at a stride, and goes crashing headlong through it instead. (_To be Continued_.) [Footnote : In the original English story there is, considering the bitter time of year given, a truly extraordinary amount of solitary sauntering, social strolling, confidential confabulating, evening-rambling, and general lingering, in the open air. To "adapt" this novel peculiarity to American practice, without some little
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violation of probability, is what the present conscientious Adapter finds almost the artistic requirement of his task.] * * * * * ALL HAIL! The most fearful weapon yet brought into the field of war--if we are to believe newspaper correspondents--is the revolving grape-shot gun known as the "hail-thrower," a piece of ordnance said to be in use by the
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French and Prussian armies, alike. If half we hear about the "hail-thrower" be true, 'twere better for all concerned to keep out of hail of it. Many a hale fellow well met by that fearful hail storm must go to grass ere the red glare of the war has passed away. "Where do you hail from?" would be a bootless
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question to put when the "hail-thrower" begins to administer throes to the breaking ranks. Worse than that; it would probably be a headless question. * * * * * "THE PERFECT CURE." A newspaper paragraph states that, in Minnesota, they have a very summary way of restoring the consciousness of pigs that have been smitten by the summery rays of
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the sun. They simply open piggy's head with a pick-axe or other handy instrument, introduce a handful or two of salt, close up the head again, and piggy is all right. But this, after all, is simply a new application of the old practice of Curing pork with salt. * * * * * Con by a Son of a
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Gun. Why are the new breech-loaders supplied with needles? To keep their breeches in repair, of course. * * * * * Con by a Carpet-Shaker. Why is a large carpet like the late rebellion? Because it took such a lot of tax to put it down. * * * * * ADVICE TO PICNIC PARTIES. At this culminating period
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of the summer season, it is natural that the civic mind should turn itself to the contemplation of sweet rural things, including shady groves, lunch-baskets, wild flowers, sandwiches, bird songs, and bottled lager-bier. The skies are at their bluest, now; the woods and fields are at their greenest; flowers are blooming their yellowest, and purplest, and scarletest. All Nature is
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smiling, in fact, with one large, comprehensive smile, exactly like a first-class PRANG chromo with a fresh coat of varnish upon it. Things being thus, what can be more charming than a rural excursion to some tangled thicket, the very brambles, and poison-ivy, and possible copperhead snakes of which are points of unspeakable value to a picnic party, because they
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are sensational, and one cannot have them in the city without rushing into fabulous extra expense. It is good, then, that neighbors should club together for the festive purposes of the picnic, and a few words of advice regarding the arrangement of such parties may be seasonable. If your excursion includes a steamboat trip, always select a boat that is
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likely to be crowded to its utmost capacity, more especially one of which a majority of the passengers are babies in arms. There will probably be some roughs on board, who will be certain to get up a row, in which case you can make the babies in arms very effective as "buffers" for warding off blows, while the crowd
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will save you from being knocked down. Should there be a bar on board the steamer, it will be the duty of the gentlemen of the party to keep serving the ladies with cool beverages from it at brief intervals during the trip. This will promote cheerfulness, and, at the same time, save for picnic duty proper the contents of
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the stone jars that are slumbering sweetly among the pork-pies and apple-dumplings by which the lunch-baskets are occupied. Never take more than one knife and fork with you to a picnic, no matter how large the party may be. The probability is that you may be attacked by a gang of rowdies and it is no part of your business
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to furnish them with weapons. Avoid taking up your ground near a swamp or stagnant water of any kind. This is not so much on account of mosquitoes as because of the small saurian reptiles that abound in such places. If your party is a large one, there will certainly be one lady in it, at least, who has had
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a lizard in her stomach for several years, and the struggles of the confined reptile to join its congeners in the swamp might induce convulsions, and so mar the hilarity of the party. To provide against an attack by the city brigands who are always prowling in the vicinity of picnic parties, it will be judicious to attend to the
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following rules: Select all the fat women of the party, and seat them in a ring outside the rest of the picnickers, and with their faces toward the centre of the circle. In the event of a discharge of missiles this will be found a very effective _cordon_--quite as effective, in fact, as the feather beds used in the making
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up of barricades. Let the babies of the party be so distributed that each, or as many as possible of the gentlemen present, can have one at hand to snatch up and use for a fender should an attack at close quarters be made. If any dark, designful strangers should intrude themselves upon the party, unbidden, the gentlemen present should
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by no means exhibit the slightest disposition to resent the intrusion, or to show fight, as the strangers are sure to be professional thieves, and, as such, ready to commit murder, if necessary. Treat the strangers with every consideration possible under the circumstances. Should there be no champagne, apologize for the absence of it, and offer the next best vintage
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you happen to have. Of course, having lunched, the strangers will be eager to acquire possession of all valuables belonging to the party. The gentlemen, therefore, will make a point of promptly handing over to them their own watches and jewelry, as well as those of their lady friends. Having arrived home, (we assume the possibility of this,) refrain, carefully,
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