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Earlier this year, AncestryDNA had a sale on their kit. I thought it would be a great gift idea so I bought 6 of them for Christmas presents. Today my family got together to exchange presents for our Christmas Eve tradition, and I gave my mom, dad, brother, and 2 sisters each a kit.
As soon as everyone opened their g... | Excellent Christmas drama. OP update us on who is your new dad. |
The overhead fan in our bedroom uses one of those compact halogen light bulbs.
6 years ago the bulb burned out and got really dim, just barely a glow. I bought a replacement bulb but when I put that one in it was also barely lighting up so I realized the unit was bad.
The fan still worked GREAT, it literally is th... | OMG u/moby323 thank you. We moved into a new house several months ago. The ceiling fan light in my office works but wasn't bright enough. I've just been ignoring it. Your post inspired me to see if it was dimmed. It was in fact dimmed. Much better now.
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Edit: many people have asked, so I will explain that ... |
Today was the day I realised I messed up by not realising sooner and just thinking my content was shit
For the last 12 months I've been commenting on peoples posts, I've created my own posts. I haven't had a single upvote or reply to anything.. my karma has been at 885 for as long as I can remember so I just figured ... | This must have happened to my tinder account |
Sigh.
Work was rough today and all I wanted to do afterward was to sit on the couch and let the TV watch me while eating food not cooked by my own hands. The answer to that? Delivery.
Food ordered, I let the dog into the yard to burn some energy and sat camped outside with him while waiting for the delivery. Doorda... | Ok seriously, if you WERE going to steal a dog why would you steal your neighbors dog. Like they wouldn’t notice you suddenly had a golden retriever that looked exactly like their golden retriever and seemed to recognize them? I’m sorry that the most stupid people also tend to be the most racist. |
TIFU by lying to my wife for 13 years…
My wife hates orange and lime flavored candies. I love them. Well, love the orange, like the lime.
So, she passes on the orange starburst to me. She passes the orange and green skittles to me. She passes the orange and green gummy bears to me. This has been happening for 13 yea... | My Mom didn't know that a local pizza place gave free breadsticks with a large pizza. My Dad had been eating them on the way home with the pizza... for 10 years. |
EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu
This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my fa... | "Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time"
What the fuck OP? |
Minor background: I am a pretty affectionate, and at times, effeminate, dude. I'm 6'2 and have a pretty "tough-guy" background in that I was in special forces a while ago, and my roommates all served as well, but I also have thin wrists and sit on my friends' laps and blow kisses to them and shit. I'm not gay, I just a... | If you and Shawlbro continue to sport shawls and get new, hotter girlfriends, you should call it "Shawlshank Redemption". |
So this happened a few days ago and I’m still not sure I’m 100% ready to tell the story but here goes.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year and I already know she is the love of my life. She’s perfect for me. We’re perfect for eachother. We’re getting ready to move in with eachother and I want nothing more th... | I'm sorry man but I'm upvoting solely for that username. |
Recently, I traveled to Denver, Colorado with my wife and my wife's parents. As a resident of a non-legalized state -- and as someone who is too much of a pussy to regularly buy illegal drugs -- the thing I was looking forward to most was the chance to buy fancy legal weed. What could possibly go wrong?
So the first... | Reading stories of people fucked up more than they can handle is my favourite. |
So, didn't happen today, but last weekend. Finally getting around to really processing it all and I guess trying to deal with it.
Went out for drinks with my girlfriend and met up with my younger cousin at the bar. We'd all hung out once before and had a great time. My cousin invited a couple of her friends to the bar... | Usually in TIFU stories there is some shred of a defence explaining away what happened, but not this time. |
My son was not doing his homework so I confiscated his GBA. I told him he would get it back next week.
Well he’s a pretty clever dude and knew all my hiding places, so I put it someplace he would never look.
Except I suffered a TBI a few years earlier and I forget stuff. So when he did his homework and asked for it b... | I can't believe the GBA is 18+ years old. |
Obligatory this actually happened a little over a year ago, and throwaway because I don't want people on my main account to know what I do for a living.
So, I work for the TSA, and have for a few years now. It's a good job overall. I'm underpaid, but the benefits are nice, and I get overtime when I want it.
A little ... | I've been inappropriately touched on my butt by, like, three different TSA guys on three separate trips through Denver, and not *once* has any of them offered to buy me dinner.
Gotta be honest, I feel a little left out. |
I can never go back to my new dentist after two visits because I'm an idiot.
My dentist is a very nice and professional man. Our first appointment was going pretty smoothly until he made some innocuous remark about us "being strangers." My immediate reply was "oh, you're not a stranger! You've been inside of my mouth... | > Never going back.
No, keep going. |
I’m couch-surfing with my sister and her BF; I work for him at the lake-side bar, trying to pay for college. My state is “open” and while I’m not thrilled, I need both the job and my scored sofa accommodations to make it work. To give them their space, and myself a break from the doomscrolling, I take a run by the lake... | I feel like there are probably easier ways to get a guy. A+ for effort. |
This literally just happened. I was discussing this subreddit with a guy (we’ll call him M) I’m flirting with... and we come across the hot sauce story, felt like it sounded like our mutual friend (he can be called B)
So I take a screenshot and go to send it on FB messenger to send to B.... muscle memory kicks in and ... | "ITS MY TITS. DON'T LOOK." Let me know how that works out for you. LOL |
This happened to me yesterday and I'm still baffled.
It all started when I posted a comparison picture of a dog which looks like the actor William H. Macy. I couldn't stop laughin over it but I never thought it would gain so much attention.
However it ended up on the front page with much more upvotes I could have im... | the sheer look of terror the Reddit co-founder puts on when jimmy starts clicking your username to view your post history as he knows what could end up on live tv.
*nervous sweating* |
My buddy and I ordered a pizza last night. Unaware that I already paid with my debit card, I walk to my door with $30 and gave him a 20% tip on top of that which had been paid online.
The driver was about in his mid 30's, barely spoke English and he was driving a beat up car. He said "thank you!" very enthusiastically... | As a former pizza delivery driver, I remember every one of you guys who tipped way beyond your means due to alcohol. I carry the stories and my gratitude is immeasurable. |
So I (39F) have a son (15M) and he brought a friend round today.
They immediately went to their room and I assumed they would just play some video games or whatever so I was totally fine leaving them.
It was about 30 minutes in when I was walking past, I heard sounds such as 'Omg that's so good' and 'Its so good wi... | Oh I see you got hit by the emergency hummus.
I always kept open hummus inside my closet for when I was having sex with my friends. You never know when you may get caught! |
I think I have wasted my whole life to be honest.
I am Joe, I have been a lurking for a while. I created this account to get my story across, I have no idea what I am planning to achieve by doing so, but I hope it can help those who are at crossroads and are stuck between passion and safety.
For the past 15 years of ... | If it is any consolation, I did the opposite - followed my passion of writing, became somewhat successful journalist and editor, and after 20 years ended up HATING writing, so I dropped everything, moved to another city and began a new life at the age of 40. It wasn't a bad move and I don't regret it, but now I'm grind... |
Obligatory this happened several months ago, tl;dr at bottom.
My son has autism (level 1, previously called aspergers) and due to that he also has a psychiatrist, multiple psychologists and doctors. We decided to get a new primary doctor who works closely with his other providers to better coordinate his care this pas... | This isn't your average everyday autism.
This is... Advanced autism. |
So, three months ago or whenever it was that the Quarantine started I started an online course for a few subjects. To provide some background, these aren’t my school classes or anything and I’ve never met these people before. There are maybe ten other kids in class and the teacher is actually pretty great.
So the fir... | Show her this post. It explains everything. Let her read it and watch her face. If she’s really cool she might think it’s hilarious and you’ll be telling your grandkids the idiot move that led you to their grandmother.
Btw: I’m rooting for it working out and someone basing a heartfelt rom-com on your story someday.
E... |
Today I had been looking forward to the qualifying for the Formula 1 this weekend, and was browsing Reddit whilst also watching some older Formula 1 footage on YouTube. So it got me wondering, “Some of these races used to really get me super excited for them, now they’re just boring and far too controlled”. So I posed ... | >It would actually play on my mind so badly that I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t open them, so I must open and read EVERY GODDAMN COMMENT.
It would be a shame if this post were to reach the front page too. ;) |
**UPDATES BELOW**
Throwaway account, this literally happened like an hour ago. So I (M25) have been involved with an older woman (F44) lately.
It started a few months ago with the onset of Coronavirus, I was on Tinder trying to find someone to hook up with during quarantine so as to stay safe and also kill some time... | Just go into work on Friday. Put your hand on your coworkers shoulder, give him a pat, and say “It’s gonna be alright son.” |
Obviously a throwaway.
To put things into perspective, I (M 20) and my GF (F 21) had been dating/together for four and a bit years. Typical high school sweethearts, we wanted to move away and start our own lives after college.
We decide to spice things up a bit and “open” up our relationship a little. It was pretty... | "The worst trade deal in the history of trade deals" |
Last night I finally managed to convince my fianceé to smoke weed with me. She's always been anti-420, but now that we're just a few weeks away from getting married and being all grown up and shit, she's gone full YOLO.
Fast forward to me seeing my fianceé high for the first time. She became extremely relaxed and tal... | I am very curious how this will turn out
Edit: Well, I guess we have our answer now guys. The wedding is off and he's getting a PS5 (If he can find one by the end of this year). I commiserate with the OP. |
Hello, Reddit, this is u/spez, your usually confident CEO. But today, I'm here in a different capacity, as a fellow Redditor who's made a big oopsie. So here it goes... TIFU by deciding to eliminate third-party apps, and as a result, unintentionally creating a crisis for our beloved platform.
Like most TIFUs, it start... | What is really strange is that had this been real it may have actually worked. |
My son was born with a condition called Pectus Excavatum. In layman’s terms, his chest is sunken in. His condition was so bad that he only had two and a half inches between his sternum and his spine and his heart and lungs were bruised because of it. In December, he had surgery to correct it and they put two nickel bar... | Nice zero tolerance. Kid hits your kid every day, no one does shit about it. The second he fights back, SUSPENDED. What a crock. |
TLDR at the bottom-
Well I recently started a new job about 5-6 months ago, doing some tech work (trying not to be too specific). With that being said I’m pretty young, 24, definitely the youngest that works there why far. I also mostly work with other men, 30-40.
We have a GroupMe for the store I work at, which in... | Need to see video to decide if boss was justified in firing you. |
Happened last night.
Wife's 8 year old very large goldfish was passing away. Had dropsy, was suffering, and was on the verge of death. Wife and I looked into the symptoms and there was practically no hope of him making a recovery, so she asked me to euthanize him. Looking into methods, it seemed pretty agreed upon... | On the plus side, a piece of your beloved goldfish will live on with you forever. Or until the smell helps you to find it.
Edit: wow, this blew up like OP’s goldfish! |
Obligatory this happened a couple of days ago but I’ve only just psychologically recovered from my utter embarrassment.
So. After lockdown ended in my country there’s been a huge sale at my local laser hair removal clinic and so I thought fuck it, I might as well go for it.
So I paid for my 10 visits and set off for t... | Nurse: How many carats?
OP: About 4. Yeah, I think I can fit 4 carrots in my asshole
Edit: Of course my best comment would be about shoving things up an asshole. Don't change Reddit. Thanks for the awards, you made my birthday a special one. |
Happened a couple weeks ago
I was at a party and saw a girl across the room. She was wearing a skirt, holding a drink in one hand and had the other hand in her pocket. I saw her skirt, thought to myself how cool that skirt is having pockets. A lot of women I know complain about not having pockets, so this is a very pr... | This reminds of one night in a festival in Bilbao when one of my friends was smoking a rolled cigarette and someone from behind asked us for some tobacco. My friend said yes and handed the tobacco and papers. The guy cleans his throat and asks quite timidly if we could roll him a couple cigarettes and my friend answers... |
TIFU by saving my reddit log in to the computer at my work. I forgot to deselect the box that remembers my log in information and now my co-worker and anyone who uses the work computer has access to my reddit account and can do whatever they want. In fact, I don't even know I've FU yet. My co-worker is hoping that I di... | I applaud your frank, honest admission of penis size. The world needs to hear there are more of you out there, the hero we all deserve. |
So this TIFU isn't as crazy or wild as others I read, but I thought others would appreciate how much I'm laughing but how many horrible regrets I have over this situation.
Let me start by saying it's important to note that whenever I cook hotdogs, I slice the package, take out a few, roll the rest back up in the plast... | Why are all the TIFUs about dogs the absolute best ones LOL oh god I hope you get that smell out soon !! |
My friend Jenna moved into a nice, new condo last month and I finally got a chance to check it out for the first time today. I ended up arriving before she got home from work so she told me to let myself in with the spare key under the potted plant and to make myself comfortable.
I made myself a sandwich and was me... | This story gets better if you date each other. No pressure. |
Not to much to say, really. My girlfriend came to visit and I guess I got distracted. My colleague who is, as mentioned in title, much smarter and more handsome than I am, seized this opportunity with gusto. He realized the shared computer was already logged in to reddit and immediately checked the username.
"Ahh... J... | This colleague of yours seems to be a man of great learning and sophistication. |
Probably my biggest fuck up ever, which will haunt me for the next 18 years.
Just feels so surreal, not necessarily panicking tho. I'm 23M and my female friend, whom I've known for the most part of my life is currently 22.
I still remember us playing every day as little kids to hanging out almost everyday as teenagers... | Grandma sabotaged those condoms |
This wasn't today, it was actually Sunday.
The other night my wife and I were getting ready for bed and being kind of flirty. I had to use the restroom, so stayed downstairs while she went up to bed. While I was sitting on the toilet I got a text: "Bring a bucket and a mop."
Crap, one of my kids must have thrown up. ... | As a dude that has been married for 25 years... this story resonates so much. You just get in a groove - words, phrases, signals are just there and you need to be really tuned in to what's going on or you will miss them. This is a perfect example and really funny.
Bucket and mop is a puking kid, sink leaking, dog... |
Edit: Extemporaneous typing.
TL;DR: watch the Apple memories of 2020 videos by yourself first.
This happened about 45 minutes ago.
So... anyone that has an Apple device may have noticed they do these “memory videos” for 2020. Anyways, I had just discovered this feature and was watching it with my girlfriend. Slowly... | Not as bad as the time Amazon fire started automatically slideshowing my dick pics on my family tv... For months... No one said anything |
So, this is gonna be long and one hell of a ride. NSFW or for anyone, really. And I may not be alive much longer, because I’m probably going to be murdered.
I’m at the bar the other night, watching the Hall of Fame Game. After it’s over, I go over to charge my phone, and get one last drink before I Uber home. This gir... | Forget Netflix and Chill, what about HBOGO and OH NO |
Our friends fighting for net neutrality contacted us to ask if we would once more make a stickied post about this topic. Since net neutrality is important for everyone who wants to keep enjoying a free internet - a group to which most redditors belong - the mod team has decided to allow it:
--------------------------... | |
I was encouraged to post this here from a comment I made elsewhere, even though it didn’t happen today, or even this decade, so mods please remove if it goes against the rules. It’s a very funny story though.
When I was young, my brothers and I snuck a copy of San Andreas into the house. We spent days holed up in our... | "bringing glory to God" *punches stripper*
Look on Mom's face: Priceless |
I get sleep paralysis. I have for the past few years off and on. Usually every couple of months I’ll get a sleep paralysis dream. I’ve talked to my parents about it before. The fuck up is not that they know.
The fuck up is that I decided to try drawing what I saw over my bed last night. And then sent a picture to my m... | If I have nightmares about that fucking thing you're getting an earful tomorrow OP |
Let me preface this off by blaming all of you, the entirety of reddit for desensitizing me, and giving me major trust issues on April fools day.
So here it goes... Yesterday I got a group text from my wifes (sarah) side of the family stating there was an emergency family meeting happening that night over dinner at my ... | The cheating wife berating you for being insensitive is the funniest part of it all lmaoooooo
Edit: OP if you're leaving it up you might as well post the video. YOLO. |
So this happened about 5 hours ago.
So today I woke up and had really painful cramps due to the deadly woman’s monthly cycle, mixed with some spiced chicken that hadn’t set right in my belly all night. I go to the toilet about 3 times before work this morning but it’s eased off a bit so take tablets, grin and bear it ... | >He stands down the whole of court and makes maintenance come in to check all pipes for any leaks, cracks, ANYTHING
He didn't check ALL the cracks. |
Link to OG post! https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/acyy54/tifu_by_not_knowing_that_the_guy_i_like_works_on/
Two months ago, I fucked up. I was infatuated with this super cute guy who came in and guest lectured for one of my classes. I ended up realizing, not in a way that I wanted to at all, that he actually work... | You know he spent the whole rest of winter break trying to come up with the perfect pick-up line... |
Obligatory this story actually happened about a year ago: I (18F at the time) was dating a boy named, Jacob (18 M at the time). His father (early 60s) was a mechanic, and his mom (mid 50s) was a SAHM. They were a pretty typical white suburban family in the south and had asked Jacob if they could meet me even though we ... | That's an amazing life experience. Not many people get to be the catalyst for a family disintegrating by holding an impromptu high school science lecture. Dope. |
(This happened yesterday)
Also, throwaway since I don't want IRL friends finding my account
So there's a video going around of the Wake vs. Duke football game of a girl leaning in to kiss a guy and him not returning the kiss, and looking away. It's on r/therewasanattempt, and currently on r/popular, as well as trendi... | Ahhhh the joys of relationships. No one on the outside understands that weird shit |
So this literally just happened 30 mins ago.
I would freely and happily admit if I tried this on purpose as a warning to others, but legitimately fucked up here.
Came with a couple of friends for the weekend to Amsterdam for a birthday. It’s a great city, pretty to look at and loads of fun.
I’m sure most people k... | I love hearing people’s stories about Amsterdam, they almost always have a happy ending. |
This happened two days ago (Sunday). A friend of mine is currently on his second mission to the ISS. I saw a call come in on my iPhone and the caller ID said “Us Gov.” I first had that thought / feeling you get when the principal calls you to their office. “Crap. What did I do that I thought I got away with but maybe I... | "Who on Earth would be ringing me at this hour?" |
About three weeks ago, I began preparations to get a nice gift for my bf, who I'll call "Ray," to celebrate 4 years of dating.
We live in a terribly humid place, and all summer he's been complaining about how sweaty his ass and balls get whenever he goes outside. He's been buying the same brand of cotton boxer-briefs... | I love every part of this. |
So this happened yesterday... my family (wife, kids and in-laws) and I had just returned from a pontoon cruise for the evening. It was later than usual so I sent the wife up on the golf cart with the kids and in-laws to get them some dinner while I covered up the boat. About halfway through covering up the boat, I no... | I wish I had a golf cart. |
This was a few years ago. Took the family to Ginnie Springs, a beautiful Florida water spot for a day of swimming and a little picnic. So as I was swimming in the crystal clear water, watching my son floundering around in his water wings, and just having a good ol time, my son suddenly stopped, pointed at the water a... | This is hilarious, the best bit is picturing you dragging your laughing child away while frantically smacking the shit out of the snake |
My family loves to over share. This lack of filter sometimes has the tendency to get people into trouble because not all the information is provided, even when it's meant harmlessly.
My parents are a bit older (prime "Ok, Boomer" age). I was talking to my Dad the other day on the phone because his birthday dinner was... | Shes embarrassed that she couldn't tell the difference between her life and the memes. The embarrassment. Karen is becoming self aware. |
My girlfriend and I were laying down on our bed and watching funny videos on YouTube.
She was laughing hysterically at quite a few! So much so that it caused her to let one rip (fart) more than once.
This was obviously not intentional which made it both hilarious and adorable. After the third time it happened she sai... | All shits and giggles, until someone giggles and shits... |
so about 2 weeks ago my s/o started live streaming on twitch and then was very disappointed when he had zero views. I my self don't play video games or know anything about twitch so I just said sorry and I sympathized. then I got the idea to look into it and see if maybe I can find a way to support him. I created a twi... | The only thing left to do is DM me his twitch. I’ll follow him. I can keep a secret.
Edit: Thanks for the awards and all. First time experiencing anything like this
Gullygunzttv is his twitch
Feels good to see what this snowballed into.
Sort by new wins again! |
This literally just happened and I've decided to lock myself in my room until further notice.
I was surfing through my newsfeed this morning and I happened to see news articles that Jeffrey Epstein (rot in hell) has committed suicide. Now, my family and I all talk about current events and politics. My parents were up ... | So they still don't know about Epstein? |
Floor 8 of the of place my employment, inside the mens' shitter.
​
I'm sitting there, doing my sit-down-business because boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. I've just finished the dirty work and I'm about to perform my ablutions, but I delay it because it's a "paid to shit" thing, dicking around on reddit a bi... | Mate, it was a huntsman. They aren't small spiders. Unless it was a baby one. If a fuill-sized huntsman jumped on my nuts, I'd be screaming bloody murder as well. You're good mate.
Spider-taint, spider-taint, slap your balls and make you faint... |
Girlfriend was about to take a shower, and was seriously getting her hustle on getting out of her kit. She was making proper fucking haste for the tub, and I realised that all her defences were down.
Note: in my household, bare asses are hunted down and terminated with EXTREME prejudice.
I went for the Mother of All ... | If my ass could be slapped so hard that my period ends in one gush, I'll bend over on day one and wait for it. |
This all started earlier tonight when I replied to one of his posts, calling him out for frequently lying (as so many politicians are wont to do) and capping it off by calling him a traitor. We then had a brief back and forth and he laid down the challenge.
He wants us to go at it either in a ring or in a dojo. I tol... | He won’t go to Alaska. Bring the fight to him. This would be a great gofundme opportunity. Attend his public events and call him chicken. Have posters made up in old time boxing clothes. You could help to bring down a congressman. |
So there's this girl I like at work, and we're really good friends. We're having lunch and we're making those ironic depression meme jokes as most friends do. For some reason I (in my unknowingly- stupid way to get her laugh) got the idea to say "Well hey, you know what's just one letter away from sad? DAB!" and prompt... | Okay, but imagine actually dying laughing at a dab joke. |
So, i'm currently a 4th year computer science student at a pretty respected university and was looking to graduate this semester. One of the classes I was taking was a class in modern advancements and trends in the field of technology. While the class didn't require to much heavy lifting it still was a higher level one... | Tell him the truth. All of what you explained. Be sure to bring the real document you meant to submit and ask him - as an adult, not as a simpering kid - if he would accept that you f'd up and take your actual submission for the class. It can't hurt and in fact may be refreshing for him to see a student take respons... |
Ok this exploded more than I expected, and has been a bit overwhelming with the messages but thought I’d give an update.
The attention hasn’t been exactly positive and this hasn’t been the best thing to happen for my relationship and it’s now sadly ended.
I didn’t expect it to blow up so much, I should of used an a... | Well on the bright side you are on the same level of reddit lore as the guy who fucked a coconut |
I found a flashdrive in my home and was curious as to what was on it. I put it in the computer and find folders full of family pictures and a video. It was blurred in the thumbnail, so OF COURSE i have to play it.
It all happened so fast.
I see a dick. A hard, throbbing cock, staring me right in the eye.
And then i... | What a power move from your dad. He just showed you how he left your siblings to death on your bathroom tiles. |
My wife is working out of town for a couple weeks. Sometime over the weekend I noticed my son playing with this little silicone cup that kinda looked like a tulip. I asked him what it went to and what it did and he proceeded to show me it’s versatility- over the next few days it helped the Paw Patrol save the town, it ... | No harm done since it sounds like you both had a bloody good time |
This happened when we first started dating.
His mobile used to ping and light up when someone texted him and once I saw that someone had texted him with the name "Babe ❤️" I didn't think of it as anything and that I had not seen it correctly but next coming weeks I saw it happening many times. He would get really happ... | My friend’s gf thought he was cheating on her because my name is Ariel. For being named after the little mermaid it’s not common for a guy to have that name. Few years later she told me she’d get jealous because he was always laughing to texts and always wondered who “Ariel” was. my homie would just tell her to relax a... |
Our sex life has been pretty boring for the three years we’ve been married. We are both on our second marriage, I’m a widower and she’s divorced.
My late wife was very very adventurous and her first husband was vanilla missionary or nothing.
Over lunch yesterday we talked about sex and how it’s become mundane with ... | I once read the autobiography of an A&E doctor, and one day this man comes in. When asked what the trouble is, he starts to go on about how he was sitting naked on his sofa, his phone rang and he sort of slipped...
"Sir, is there a phone up your rectum?" There was, and he ended up needing surgery. |
Ever since I was a kid, I loved to fiddle around with staplers. Playing with the automatic ones and doing dumb stuff like any child would opening the manual ones and swinging it around, stuff like that. One of my favorite things to do was to open up a new strip of staples and break them apart before putting them in. Ru... | I just counted a strip of staples. His story checks out. |
As preface to this TIFU I am commiting one of the greatest societal taboos and revealing a secret that heretofore has been zealously guarded throughout the ages. It is a correlate to childbirth in that just as post-menopausal women wouldn't dare tell an expectant mother how truly agonizing childbirth is, no man in his ... | This post is exactly why the internet exists. This magical place is where tales of great battles can be remembered and celebrated by generations to come. This is the way of our people. Remember us..... |
No, not clickbait, this is word for word what happened. Obligatory didn’t happen today, but I’ve never told anyone this story so I figured I should before I die.
So when I was about 7, my parents took me and my little sister to the park, as parents do. Someone had graffitied the slide with the word “fuck” and being t... | 😂😂😂 that is hilarious. Do they at least laugh about it now though? |
Throwaway account.
We've all been seeing the recent craze of DNA testing and whatnot, so my dad and I decided to jump in the bandwagon and we bought 2 from 23andme. We got our results back a few days ago and I went into the DNA relatives section to check out my matches. At the top it listed my dad as only sharing 29.2... | Any can plant a seed, very few will stay to raise a strong tree.
Please tell your Dad you love him and he is your Dad regardless of everything. |
So this afternoon my wife was out at the pharmacy that's less than three minutes from our house. She called because our insurance card wasn't working and asked for the numbers on the new cards we had just been issued. I started to read the numbers to her but she interrupted saying it would just be easier if I took a p... | *Pharmacist hands back phone*
"Here you go ma'am, thanks for the tip." |
Where to start...ever since the covid lock-down happened I have been letting my hair grow out. At first it was because all the barber shops were closed but then even after I got my hands on a hair clipper it became more amusing to see how far I could take this. Covid had put a stop to my dating life so I wasn't trying ... | You can totally fix this by explaining that you thought “transitioning” meant “getting back into shape.”
Has she not asked for your name? Or do you happen to have a gender neutral sounding name? |
Obligatory 'this didn't actually happen today', etc.
So when I was 14 I got into a huge fight with my mother and she sent me to live with my aunt and uncle. It was an incredibly stressful event, and combined with my innate shyness about pooping anywhere but at home, at first I didn't notice that I wasn't pooping. Af... | I quit smoking about 8 years ago now, after smoking for 22 years. I guess you could say Cold Turkey because one day I was smoking and the next day I lost interest and never had another one. I always enjoyed an outdoor smoke later in the evening, after my wife went to bed and it typically caused the overwhelming urge to... |
So my son moved back in with me because of the pandemic (he had to take a pay cut.) This isn't really an issue because we get along great and I raised him alone. I also have a big enough house that he he has more of his own space. I'm 43, he's 24.
My basement is a makeshift boxing gym. I have some free weights, punchi... | *Son walks in with bandaged up nose*
Dad: "Sorry about that, champ. I guess you got that nose from your father." |
Hi there. (22M)
I'll try to keep it short.
I met a girl through a mutual friend. We've known eachother for roughly a year, but haven't spend time alone yet, always in a group. She's very sweet and pretty.
She's not completly deaf , she can still hear a bit, with the help of hearing aids.
I guess mild deafness, not... | Talk to her. Tell her just what you told us. It will help, trust me. |
I have a 5 year old dog, had him since he was 3 months old. Love him to death, he's an amazingly playful dog (Jack Russell).
A few years ago, he started developing really itchy red skin on his toes, and the poor pup would constantly lick his toes to the point where he was making them almost hairless. Took him to the v... | It's like snorting crushed Claritin mixed with pine pollen!
Good to hear you got it sorted. |
I (29m) was waiting for my order in the local coffee shop. Also in the store waiting for orders was a girl who looked around my age and a guy who seemed to be a bit older (35-45). I noticed the guy was talking the girl’s ear off and she didn’t seem very interested in the conversation. Next thing I notice, she’s approac... | You’re now Brian as far the internet is concerned. |
Ever since he was a kitten, my cat and I had come to an understanding. Let me explain. My cat generally doesn't like being picked up. However, one time, six years ago, a moth flew into my house. My cat wanted to kill it, but he couldn't reach it. I don't know how I got the idea, but I picked him up to help him reach i... | You know the moth was in on it, right? You got fucking played! |
UPDATE 3: I got the job!
UPDATE 2: Third interview is in a weeks time! This is dragging on, sorry :)
UPDATE: OH MY WORD! I've been invited to the second round of interviews!
Obligatory; this happened yesterday. The memory still makes me cringe. And cry. I had a job interview with a CEO, in person, despite COVID. I wa... | Congratulations on being the most memorable interview of the day. That may help when it's time to hire. |
So my family usually opens presents Christmas morning around 8am, but due to my mother working this year we had to start at 6:30.(I know, it is as horrible as it sounds). Now, my brother and I are of age and old enough to understand the santa process. However, we have a younger sister who still fully believes. She did ... | Absolutely not a fuck up, pretty close to one but you probably made that kids childhood with this story. This is something she'll remember for her whole life and tell her kids all about, and probably recreate something similar for her children if she has them. Well done, sometimes the most incredible memories in our li... |
My cousin decided it would be a good idea to give my dad two squares of THC chocolate for Christmas, because he'd mentioned that maaaaaybe he'd want to get high. My parents are 75-year old Republicans. That was a big maybe.
​
Well, my mom is like an unsupervised puppy when it comes to chocolate. You put half a... | So not actually a fuck up! |
Came home from the gym. Its leg day. Had full day at work too. Work isn't bad. Came home to happy kids. Wife does a great job at keeping them alive. The best. Had to take a shower before bed. Wife says hurry because shes tired. I empathize by saying I will hurry because I am also tired. Bad idea. Wife proceeds to tell ... | You sound tired. |
**- This story is faked to show you that people shouldn't believe everything they read on the internet -**
I was reading this TIFU post about a mother who told her 4 year old that her hero Bob Ross is dead. One part got me in a fit and naturally my girlfriend asked me what made me laugh, so i started explaining the st... | Well, at least we still have Steve Irwin.
Edit: Thanks for the awards, but consider donating to the [Wildlife Warriors!](https://wildlifewarriors.org.au) |
Tomorrow I'll be turning 32. As we were waking up this morning she asked me if I was excited for the plans we'd made for my birthday. I responded that it was going to be tough to do everything in half a minute, but I was looking forward to it nonetheless.
She looked at me, blank-faced for a couple seconds. I thought ... | She has ten years til she can redeem herself and you have ten years til you can crush her dreams all over again. |
My husband and I have always had an inkling that our son was on the LGBTQ spectrum. My son coming out to me was not a shock in the grand scheme of things.
I went up to my son’s room to ask what he wanted for dinner. I knocked and went in. I was tired after work and things weren’t really registering. He just said “Mom,... | Honestly he probably didn't mind that reaction it probably made him go "oh shit maybe its not as big a deal as people make it out to be" - which it isn't at all. You're a good mom! |
So this is going to need some context so I look like less of an idiot (though I thoroughly assure you I'm an idiot).
Ten minutes ago I found out. Ten goddamn minutes ago, I found out that a worldview I've held my entire life is, in fact, not true, and apparently I'm just a weirdo.
You see, whenever I exercise, someth... | "Yeah, he's cute and all, and the sex is great! I just don't know why we have to run a quarter-mile right before every time. On the bright side, my legs have never looked better!" |
I got out of a bad relationship a few months ago and only recently felt good enough to get out of the house again. This was my first-ever boyfriend and he turned out to be a piece of crap, so I was obviously a bit hesitant. But some old friends from high school were visiting my town and asked if I wanted to go on a bar... | Contact him!! He is probably hella embarrassed too!! I know I would have been. He's all heart eyes and forgot to fricken ask about the food for his own allergies. Reach out girl!! Be brave!!
Edit: hit him up with the text: I'm sorry I literally took your breath away, that was not what I was going for with breakfast.
... |
I have grapheme-color synesthesia. Basically I see letters and numbers in colors. The letter 'E' being green for example. A couple months ago I was explaining it to my boyfriend who's a bit of a skeptic. He asked me what colour certain letters and numbers were and had me write them down. Since then he'll randomly quiz ... | Woah. What happens when he reads a book or has a story told to him? |
This actually happened yesterday and I still cant stop laughing.
So 5 month ago I met a girl though mutual friend, first she added me on social media we talked for a bit and then exchanged numbers. About a week later we went on a date, it went well. Then we started "dating" we would meet up once or twice a week and do... | Wow! Bet that was a shock. Just curious, what are you thinking now? Are you going to stay with her? |
I'm a professional housecleaner in a large city. My first house today was beautiful and pretty big (4,000+ sq ft.) I had never cleaned this house before today.
It's kind of interesting to clean the home of people you have never actually met while they are not home. I never snoop but I do learn about people just by th... | I mean. Sounds like a happy ending to me! |
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem... | Tried one of those.
The guy operating it told us to “cross our legs or water will shoot up your ass so hard you can taste your own shit.”
I didn’t dare do anything else than told because of the drop, and neither did anyone else. Good to have the claim confirmed. |
My wife has a history of startling/scaring me easily due to me being deaf in one ear from tinnitus (mawp) which has dramatically decreased my situational awareness. She finds it hilarious and I’ve grown to tolerate it cause of love and all.
I decided my time for revenge had come.
Cut to dinner time, about to boil a... | Pasta la vista, baby |
My top dresser drawer is a catch all for uncategorized miscellany that I’ve accumulated over the years. It’s filled with the kinds of random things that seem like a good idea to keep but have no use whatsoever in my day-to-day life… Like that track medal I won in high school, or a guitar string replacement tool, or tha... | Bro what the genuine fuck were you thinking |
This around five minutes ago . I feel so nervous right now.
Sorry for the weird format, I’m writing this in mobile.
So I (17 f) am bisexual as said in the title. My family is very religious and most of them are homophobic. Today, we had to go to church. Now, for some background information here, I’m considered “the p... | Some people come out of the closet, others kick the fucking door down. 🤣 |
So I’ve been delivering for dash dash on the side for a few weeks now. Today I had a typical order from a local sushi joint. I saw the order for a fellow named Tom...funny thing the second half of the order is EXACTLY TO THE TEE what my gf ALWAYS gets. Two dragon rolls extra Siracha on the side and a large Ice Tee. She... | That’s a win in my book. Live and learn, many more opportunities out there.
Better than not knowing. |
So this happened a couple of days ago..
Had a rash develop over the past few weeks and it was itching like crazy, thought at first it was just some kind of allergy from switching body washes lately. After changing back to my old wash and my rash didn't showing any indication of subsiding, I went to visit a dermatologi... | Just tell them you were using the hair dryer on your back. Got so hot and passed out, next thing you know you come to with jizzle everywhere and no idea what happend |
With a 15yo boy in the house, my husband and I have grown used to the ×knock knock× ×laptop screen slam× "juST A MINUTE!" ×scramble scramble× "...ok" dance. We have grown used to silently replenishing his room with tissues almost daily. We have grown used to herding the two younger ones to the downstairs bathroom while... | On the plus side, at least you'll have a new throw cushion in 9 months. |
Edit: Thank you to everyone who still is messaging me about this story in 2022. Goose is stil here and thriving. I do read every message and I most certainly care if you're going through something similar. I still get like, a lot of messages. I don't respond to messages though asking for medical advice for your cats. I... | ....jesus christ. This story wasn't an emotional roller coaster, it was a drop kick out of a plane and you're not sure your parachute is properly packed. |
Last summer. We're on a road trip from New Mexico to Mexico. We have a Honda Element converted for living in, so I crawl in the back to nap while he's driving. He stops at a gas station in the desert of Arizona and while he's pumping, I get out to use the bathroom. Come back out, don't see him, and walk around the park... | Crazy how the store managed to call 911 without a phone! Must be magic |
This is long so TLDR at the bottom.
This happened around 6 years ago when I was in 9th grade. I grew up not knowing a single thing about my dick or how to clean it. My parents never taught me anything about genitals and I apparently never asked, all I knew was that’s where the pee came out.
So one day in 9th grade bi... | I don't even have a dick and I'm traumatized by this. |
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