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Standard – this did not happen today. Actually a few years back.
So, when my then gf and I started dating, I discovered early on that she can be quite physical. In the sense that she likes to push, hold, punch even. Bare in mind she is not actually trying to hurt me, she is just playful like that. I found this both ad... | Thanks for the relationship advice. Next time a girl play fights with me, I’m just going to suplex her through a table. No more lies. |
So, as I was making myself breakfast this morning, I for some reason started wondering what would happen if I touched one of the glowing wires inside the toaster while it was on. Being the very intelligent man I am, I of course did not want to touch it with my bare hands. I instead took a fork out of the drawer and wit... | ​
>I haven't told anyone yet, and I don't think I will.
*May* be the smartest thing you do today. |
TIFU by showering with my boyfriend and almost passing out from shit fumes
This happened an hour ago, currently relaxing in bed with the boyfriend.
Because we work together we come home together, and neither wants to wait their turn so we've decided why not just take showers together, plus it saves water, apparently... | Does he want to borrow my username for a bit? |
This FU occurs after a recent innovation in the bedroom.
Coconut oil.
It’s great! It’s solid until it’s on your skin and then it’s a wonderful long lasting lubricant that tastes delicious, and is easy to clean up afterward.
It’s been my go too with my partner for a few months now whenever I’m down on that ass.
Wha... | I don’t like that place man, their coconut curry tastes like ass |
This happened a few weeks ago.
My ~6 year old son came running in to my home office the other day and said, demandingly, "Dad! Kick me!"
So I did.
Hear me out, please. The kick was a 3/10 on firmness. Not gentle, but not painful. He's a kid, he likes to play fight, and as he's an only child, I feel like I need to pr... | At least you didnt body slam him like the dude the other day |
So a few weeks ago I woke up to a wonderful suprise. My roommate made me an omelette and brought it to me at my desk. I was really happy that they went out of their way to cook for me.
However when I took a bite I was in for a suprise. It was a cold omelette with horseradish Swiss cheese, sour raisins, and prunes. I... | I think there’s a legitimate chance your roommate is screwing with you and wants to see how many horrifying dishes they can make before you crack and tell them to stop. |
Obligatory "this happened two days ago."
I had been together with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. I proposed to her about a month ago, she said yes, and we were incredibly happy! Or so I thought.
About 3 weeks after our proposal, I notice she starts acting different. Not having sex with me, looking away/down when ... | Tbh I don't think this is a tifu. Sounds like you dodged a bullet, no matter how hard/shitty it feels at the moment. |
Obligatory - not today. This was about 10 years ago.
I started doing stand up when I was in the army - in Afghanistan, actually. I started telling stories around the fire at night, but eventually started doing "shows" in the chow hall or during talent shows if we were on a bigger base at the time. It wasn't uncommon... | "I was less funny than possibly dying"
That hurts man |
This fuck up started 6 years ago when I met my wife’s parents for the first time. Thought I had been determined to make a great first impression, ma and pa weren’t thrilled about their country girl being stolen away from them by a city boy.
Conversation was stiffer than John Mayer’s penis at 4 am on a friday night, b... | Sounds like you have a year to learn french, OP. Bonne chance. |
Obligatory wasn't today, this happened a couple months back. My brother and I have always had a long-standing agreement that in the event of hospitalization, the other one would try to convince the hospitalized - by any means necessary - that the world ended (coming from the idea of waking up from a coma to find out yo... | The end of The Walking Dead: Rick finds himself back at the hospital bed were he awoke from the coma and Shane jumps out saying "It was all a prank bro!" |
Obligatory "this didn't happen today". Well, actually I guess it's happening right now.
Today is the Internet Wide Day of Action to Save Net Neutrality, and /r/TIFU is participating. We support a free and open Internet, so today we have restricted the submissions to this subreddit to give you a feel of what it might... | Title should probably say TIFU by allowing net neutrality to end |
So this actually happened yesterday, and I'm still shaken up over it. My boyfriend and I decided to visit Zapata Falls in Colorado after taking a social distance Covid style road trip. We saw the waterfall and it was magnificent. There were tons of people (few of whom wore masks) so we ventured in a side direction. I n... | *after a few minutes I was having trouble finding my footing and looked down to see it would be near impossible to descend*
No no no no no |
Yesterday I ate the ends of a chicken wing. Someone told me the ends were crunchy, like pork crackling, so I tried it out. I never expected this to happen.
I must not have chewed one properly. I got something lodged in my throat. To dislodge it I ate some bread and drank some softdrink. Some pain persisted but I went... | Jesus Christ, get well soon friendo |
I had the most vivid sex dream the other day. The kinda dream no one would want to wake up from. I was one of the founding members of the X-Men, and I was balls deep in mutant pussy. So, fucking was literally my superpower. I could cure the sick with my cum. Humans and mutants alike flocked to my cock. Including the me... | That fucking hurts my soul |
Okay so you're probably wondering what the fuck that title is.
Not more than 30 minutes ago I received a new match on Tinder (yay!). She was cute so I sent her a message saying hi and we talked for a bit and then I got her snap.
On Snapchat she asks if I wanted to play truth or dare and being the horndog that I am I... | 9/10 dentists recommend Oral-B for the most satisfying oral. |
TL;DR I was holding on to a lot of trauma, and the emotion came pouring out.
She had pre-eclampsia, which is not totally rare. But she only exhibited a headache and none of the other features until her blood pressure shot through the roof. He was born shortly after we were admitted to the hospital and while it was the... | Babies do all kinds of stuff to your brain, sleep deprivation can literally make you crazy, and travel is another stress in its own. You guys sound like you're doing great despite a lot of stress and challenge. Sometimes your mind locks out those scary moments for survival. But it is so healthy to deal with that stuff.... |
I don’t live in the US so my native language isn’t English. There are some guys from USA who I talk to while playing GTA on PS.
So we were talking, when suddenly one of the guys’ brother came to his room and hit him (not hard tho, you know, brothers) to make him die in the game. It was kinda funny and we were laughing... | Don’t be insecure, it was a funny mistake, and your English sounds great otherwise. English can be tricky. They weren’t laughing at you for making a mistake, they were laughing at how funny the implication of your mistake was. |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a month, and during the first week of us having sex, my boyfriend wanted me to use a dildo on him to stimulate his prostate. While I was stimulating his prostate with the dildo, he started moaning very loud and his body was shaking as though he was getting an electric shock. I th... | He knew. |
This happened a few years ago and I was living in Zimbabwe at the time, and I was having a pretty bad day, I was going to see my auntie who lived about 400km away from me. If youre african you'll understnad that this was no small journey. So I got in my car and set off and about 3 hours into the journey i came across ... | Holy shit, pizza is here guys! OP delivers |
A few weeks ago I flew out to Fresno to visit my younger sister and her family since I havent seen them in 4 years. The first night in town was wonderful and wholesome. They gave me a quick tour of the local sights and we ended up at a local restaurant for a family dinner. The conversation was mostly about family stuff... | This kid is going places because only a fucking legend would do that type of shit that takes balls of steel and a heart of gold |
I'll admit I haven't been the most attentive husband lately. My wife has told me I need to make more of an effort in our relationship or we would have problems. I've tried really hard to invest in our relationship ever since finding out my wife is not feeling as happy as she should be.
This fuck up happened last week.... | This is why you always say happy *insert special event*, even if you have a surprise planned later in the day to celebrate. |
Title says most of it. I was at a tech conference today. I like to broadcast random WiFi hotspot names to mess with people and after the recent story about the Planet Fitness I thought it would go over well as a joke. I mean, who hasn't seen "FBI Surveillance Van" as a network?
*Holy fuck.* **Do not do this!!!**
... | Obviously if you secretly wanted to remotely detonate a bomb, you'd call your detonator's hotspot "bomb detonator". |
I was replying to a Redditor on another sub about why diamonds are actually extremely common and why they're essentially worthless. I was on FaceTime with my girlfriend and she noticed I was typing a lot and asked me what I was writing.
I start telling her about diamonds, how they're formed, where they come from and s... | Do not tell her about the heat death of the universe. |
So I'm at work it's about twelve pm today... I get the urge to shit real bad, maybe it was the hot sauce on my eggs this morning, IDK. I race walk on down to the men's shit house, I arrive finally, push open the door and head for the most private stall in the back because I had a feeling this one was gonna be quite lou... | Last Christmas I was in an airport bathroom stall when I had a similar occurrence. I had to go for the last 30 minutes of the flight but held it because I hate the plane crapper. Once we are about to land I’m regretting this as its becoming clear I’ve eaten something I shouldn’t have.
We land, I rush to the bathroom... |
This happened 2 days ago. So last week I found a thong on the floor in my living room. Smelt it like the animal I am, was clean, and put it in my wife's underwear drawer.
2 days ago in the evening, my wife is getting ready to go take a bath, when she comes down 2 minutes later asking me where the hell does this thong ... | Did you tell your friend you sniffed her panties? |
I suddenly remembered this story today. I don’t think I have ever told this story to anyone before. So here goes.
This happened a few years ago when I was a pre-teen. During the summer, my family and I went back to our hometown to visit my grandparents. We were short on rooms so my sister and I shared the same room t... | Thought this was going in a whole other direction |
So my 4 year old son liked to dance around naked after baths and while changing him. As cute as he can be, it gets old after a while, and if you've ever had a boy, you know how they can become obsessed with their peckers. I told him one night that if he didn't put it away, the Pecker Snatcher would come and take it. He... | well my kids are in bed now so I have time to offer you my response.
46M, my son is also four (just started jk), and he has not paid particular attention to his penis since forever. Since school started he's been doing some weird stuff that I will attribute to school jitters working themselves out of his system.
He s... |
So I’m a middle school teacher and my district is fully online (going back to in-person soon though).
I was teaching my class like normal when out of the corner of my eye, I saw my cat jump up onto my plant table, attack the leaves of my money tree, and knock it over, spilling soil and broken branches all over the fl... | You obviously just jumped in popularity with your class. |
This happened on Halloween. I imagined the evening going down more or less like this:
1. Slip into a white robe.
2. Stick on a cactus crown.
3. Moonwalk out of the house as Jesus.
4. Remember never to break character.
5. Hop into an Uber.
6. Show up to celebrate Halloween with friends.
7. Go HAM.
8. Go home.
9.... | Never go full Jesus |
Yesterday evening my GF and i thought it would be nice to watch Lord of the Rings after coming home quite late. After aproximately 4 hours i was really tired and couldnt think straight anymore. She had her "strawberry week" so she was plugged, which I frankly didnt care too much about. We just came along the credits in... | Lord of the Strings |
Obligatory it didn't happen today, however I realized my idiocy today.
I am a small game developer part-time (I also have a regular job). Since more than 1 year I have been working alone on a puzzle-platformer that I've been thinking of for 2 years.
It's a labor of love. After about a year of hard work, I had somethi... | In Russia game downvotes you |
Friends, my marriage was on the edge of a knife just now. Story time.
My wife (40f) comes into the bedroom with an unknown dress she found in the dryer.
Wife: Where did this dress come from?
Me: It's not yours?
W: I know my own dresses. (At this point she is making light but there is smoldering anger behind thos... | My husband’s underwear were getting pretty worn. I purchased him a bunch of new pairs, washed them, and put them in his drawer. His response the next morning:
“Somebody put a bunch of underwear in my drawer and it’s not mine”! |
I want to start by giving some background here. I basically live, eat, sleep and breath Amazon. I need something, straight to Amazon. I use kindle and audible daily. Want to stream music, Amazon music. Want a new movie, prime video. Run out of something randomly, "Hey Alexa......." Laundry soap, toothpaste, shampoo, do... | Live in the cloud, die in the cloud. |
So this happened 6 years ago. My laptop with 8 GB RAM stopped working so I showed it to a repair guy. He took the laptop, repaired it, and returned it to me after 2 days. The laptop started working again and I was really happy. However, the speed felt slower than before. Previously, I could open multiple chrom tabs and... | You really should still report him though. He probably scammed so many more people who will never know. |
I (22F) I work at a hotel bar in a large city. I worked a particularly slow day and during those shifts I like to talk to the guests. One of them was a 22 year old teacher who was traveling by herself and a guest of the hotel. I get cut early and I decide to go out for a couple drinks. At a bar nearby, I see the guest... | How is helping a clearly ill guest back to their room fraternizing? It’s not like you were out drinking with the guest. If your hotel chain has a corporate office, I would escalate, assuming you actually want that job.
What I’m curious about is how your boss even knew? |
The wonderful, wonderful guy (27M) that I’ve (27F) been seeing for the past few months invited me to come over to his place last weekend. Let’s call him Gardening Club Guy.
So I spend the day before plucking, prepping and getting the perfect outfit together for my night with GCG. I ultimately choose a nice little pus... | To most people having safe sex means using a condoms.
To real champs it means screening your partner for cancer.
Breast, Testicles, Prostate, and Colorectal. One good fuck finds them all! |
This actually happened over Christmas last year.
My family, including (paternal) my grandparents, Aunt, Uncle, and cousins and 2nd cousins were having Christmas dinner.
My grandfather brought up that he did AncestryDNA (or was it 23and me?). I don't remember the exact one, because I can barely think about it. It's h... | This is one of the best stories I’ve read on here |
(Obligatory "didn't happen today.")
My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years now. My husband was raised by a single mom, and my mom passed when I was 16, so each of us only had one parent at the wedding.
Our parents met during the wedding planning, and quickly discovered how much they had in common a... | You think this is awkward? Just wait until they announce they're expecting your little Brother / Sister... |
So my wife and I have a four year old and a one year old. When our one year old is up to mischief and we tell him "no" he immediately looks up at us and starts crying. It's actually pretty adorable.
In order not to upset him we frequently refer to it as the "N Word" when he's around.
Queue two weeks ago when our ... | My manager was yelled at due to a similar situation. Her daughter was really into superheroes and would say she had super powers everyday based on her outfit. So purple shirt = purple power, red shirt = red power. It was okay until she wore a white shirt to daycare and told everyone she had white power. |
I really didn't think this could possibly backfire on me until about 30 minutes ago.
My daughter is **d r a m a t i c**. She would step on a piece of dirt on the floor and fall down screaming "Me hurt foot" or hit her head on a pillow and make a huge deal out of it. We don't watch soccer so I have no idea where t... | >We don't watch soccer so I have no idea where this behavior came from.
best line in this whole post, hands down |
Now this TIFU didn't happen today, it was a couple of weeks ago and I am still struggling to come to terms with the embarrassment, for both me and my girlfriend.
So, a few weeks ago I was at my GF's house, usually the plan when I go is I sit around with her parents for around 30mins-1hr or so with just general chattin... | You mean she didn't walk over and show her daughter how it's done? The internet lies. |
Last Saturday, I woke up in the middle of the night. No big deal, but I immediately noticed something wrong with my left ear. I had no pain, but every few seconds I would hear a loud crackling noise in my ear. I have experienced an earwax blocking before, but I had never heard this sound before. This made me concerned,... | I'm never sleeping again. |
I’ve began visiting this new health-drink tea/smoothie shop by my work. I guess i misunderstood the menu in that i thought i was choosing nutrient boosts to add to my tea that i ordered, not knowing that those boosts were entirely different drinks that come as a smoothie. Those take longer to make than the tea so each ... | Shit happens, but good on you for giving him the money in the jar. |
Hey guys so today is the first day of the new Semester where I'm from (germany) and i woke up at 11:02am since i thought my first lecture would be at 2pm. I then woke up to an e-mail saying there was a zoom meeting at 11am. So i immediatly turned on my pc and joined the meeting and asked a friend of mine if he also joi... | Muting in meetings and saving in games and documents ... the lessons you either force yourself to learn or life will make sure to teach you.
I wish for ptt in Teams ... is it there? |
I’m a college student, hustling as a waitress in a swank restaurant to pay for school. A cute married couple are my regulars. One recent date night, they were sniping a touch at each other about their son, who was struggling in math. They asked my opinion. Then the wife asked me if I would consider tutoring him this su... | As a married guy with kids in school, I'd simply be relieved when you offered the explanation ("wait, what - have I forgotten a conversation we had previously??"), and wouldn't think further of it. At worst I'd chuckle inwardly about how my mind went so quickly to an odd place.
You may be over-thinking this :) |
This actually happened on September 11th 2001 and the memory has just came back to me.
Here is a little background leading up to the fuck up. I was 11 years old and began to have really bad pains around my lower back. Went to the doctor and x-rays confirm that I was having a kidney stone. Doctors thought it was highly... | This is the best fucking "where were you during 9/11?" Stories ever... |
This happened last night/the wee hours of this morning.
Last night while my SO was at work, she asked me to pick up tampons on my way home. She is a bartender and didn’t want to stop at a store or gas station late night when she got off.
Me, being a guy, completely forgets until about 30 minutes until she is schedu... | Just get married. Your karma assets will be combined. |
I want to preface all of this by saying that Ben Shapiro sucks, and I’m in no way attracted to him, which is why this is such a monumental fuck up.
I have found myself extremely amused by all of the Ben Shapiro memes that have been going around. I found the interview where he said, in response to Megan Thee Stallion’... | No no, you really should share that with him. That went so horribly wrong. At least it would give the guy context. |
I (a 18m) fucked up tonight.
It was about time I was going to bed, but I needed to take a shower. Right before I went to the bathroom, I popped a warhead sour candy in my mouth. I went to the bathroom, stripped down and hopped in the shower. just as I put my head up in the shower to rinse my face, the warhead in my mo... | Meh, remember, they once wiped that junk of yours and powdered it and put a new diaper on there... I think they're happy you're OK and I wouldn't worry too much. |
Edit 2: Vielen dank für ihre guten wünsche. Mein deutsch verbessert sich, aber ich lerne immer noch. Ja, ich weiß. Lange zeit.
__________________________________________________________
Edit: Wow. Ok. First, thanks for the gold and the silver. My most popular post ever is about me being a moron. Good feeling. Yes, I w... | Makes no sense. The Duolingo owl is only supposed to break your legs if you *don't* keep up your streak. |
This happened today. Just a few minutes ago, in fact.
A bit of context: I got banned from tinder a few years ago for selling feet pics (oops) but was recently single and wanted to get back in the game. After deciding other dating apps were a little too wholesome for me,
I decided to go for Tinder. I needed a phone num... | You get an upvote for "danger is afoot" |
I (25F), work with older people (40 - 50+M/F) and today they added me to the whatsapp work group chat. One of my co-workers came to my desk and asked me if I was aware of what my picture was on whatsapp. I use whatsapp very rarely, mostly with friends if we are not using other apps available i.e. Snapchat. I had to che... | Go to work dressed as Captain America . |
Obligatory this didn’t happen today, but actually close to a year ago. Last October to be exact.
So backstory. I had been dating this girl at the time for about 4 months. Her parents were awesome and loving towards me, helping me with car repairs (her dad is great with cars) and her mom just being a very lovingly mot... | That ended a lot better than I was expecting |
Obligatory this happened 5 years ago. I had been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks, pretty casual but she was really fun and funny, if not a bit intense. After a few weeks she starts referring to me as her boyfriend and talking about meet her parents, I’m not feeling it but being a douche-y 21 year old I go with i... | "Shit was creepy so I left"
Of course.
"real fast"
Understandable.
"after I finished."
You fool! |
Title speaks for itself. I was trying to inject mice to give them cancer and accidentally poked my finger. It started bleeding and its possible that the cancer cells could've entered my bloodstream.
Currently patiently waiting at the ER.
Wish me luck Reddit.
Edit: just to clarify, mice don't get T-cell Acute Lymphob... | Back in the '70s, my dad (a biologist) was working with a guy who studied this tapeworm that can eat up a deer's brain (it was killing the population he was trying to study), and a human's brain, just as easily. He (the other guy, not my dad) accidentally poked his own finger with a primed syringe full of lethal tapew... |
So I’ve been spending A LOT of time around dogs. I’ve recently been hired by friends families and family friends to walk or watch their dogs. My reddit is COVERED in dogs from various sources. My Facebook is solely dog pages and dog-related charities. Basically everywhere I turn, I see dog. Not a bad life to live. Unti... | So... What breed was it? |
My (31M) wife (32F) and I are in a healthy and happy relationship. That said, we’ve been together since high school, so we both feel that we missed out a little by being each others’ only sexual experiences. We’ve talked about this at length and decided a few years ago that we’re ok with having a few hall passes in our... | Not the kind of missionary you had in mind, eh? |
It over is a pretty normal day at university and a conversation came up about our parents. A friend of mine, “Jenny” shows us a picture of her father so I pull up Facebook images of my mother and father. A friend of mine saw my father and said I looked just like him but when he saw my mother the color in his face drain... | You should bring him home for dinner sometime. Sit back and take in the awkwardness |
This is so stupid and it happened last night and I'm SURE we'll both laugh about eventually but husband is still kinda ticked... So I was being a trash goblin last night and staying up into the wee hours to eat easter candy and play video games, which I don't do that often. Anyway, does anyone else enjoy robins eggs? ... | At least you know your husband loves you a lot. |
I finally get to post a fuck up. Happened an hour ago, still afraid for my life.
My gf and I were playing mario party 7 for the first time ever. Awful game by the way. Anyways, as most of you probably know, you can pick what direction you character travels around the map. The gf, in 3rd place with nearly 100 coins is ... | I can't believe OP is fucking dead. |
So I’ve been living in Japan for almost two years now and have been seeing a girl for about six months. Today being Valentine’s Day, I made reservations for a course meal at a hotel restaurant.
Admittedly, it’s not my usual style; I’m perfectly happy going to cheap izakayas and that kind of thing, but variety is the s... | Paying my respects to you.
I have a $1000 Egyptian isis (the goddess!!!!) pendant i bought because of the same misunderstanding.
It took me like three years to afford a necklace to go with it. |
When I was 7 ,about 12 years ago, me and a few of my buddies here playing pretend as spies on the bus home from school. So spy's have the cool invisible speaker in their ears to contact people and I thought it would be a good idea to use a googly eye that I had lifted from school in the place of this speaker.
The goog... | I'm wondering how gross that googly eye must be by now. Go to the doctor and get that sucker out |
Just happened. So yes, today. But not so sure it's a FU. Maybe realization that I've been FUping for like 4 years? So bit of context. I'm a bit of a bigger guy. 6'2" and a fairly huge ass. We moved into our new house 4 years ago and the place has these teeny little doll toilets. They are usable but you have to ... | So did you never shit in a different toilet for four years? Like you didn't notice it was better at work or someone else's house or a hotel or a restaurant or a rest stop or etc?
Edit - I sure am learning how much shy poopers love telling everyone they're shy poopers |
I teach sixth grade, and today was the first day of (virtual) school. In an effort to make things less boring, we played “two truths and a lie.” I gave the kids my example, which was: “I have two brothers. I’m from Texas. I love horror movies.” Unfortunately, I messed up my own directions and gave them two lies—the bro... | I can't believe you lied to us |
This happened only minutes ago.
The graphics card in my old PS2 decided it wanted to give up on me recently, so I decided to replace it when I had a little extra cash. I was out browsing different sites like Craigslist and the like, when I stumbled upon the PS2 mentioned in the title. It looked like a great deal at t... | You need to get you some good roach bait traps. Not the cheap shit at Walmart, good bait traps. Because I doubt seriously if you killed them all and if you didn't you WILL have a whole new infestation in the coming months. Especially if you are not super good with cleaning after yourself. Oh...and be glad it was roache... |
10 days ago, my younger sister started developing a cough. Understanding I'd now need to shut myself in for at least two weeks, I set about getting a few supplies. Near enough everything was completely sold out online, however, I managed to find an amazon listing for 40pcks of ramen. Couldn't believe my luck! All were ... | That's horrendous. Just make the ramen without the sauce and put your own spices in. Or add less of the sauce so its spread out |
My kid is Minecraft mad and has been since she was 5 years old. She's a great builder and comes up with really interesting creations. But she's stuck on consoles and her iPad and has been making noises about wanting mods for the past 18 months. I keep telling her bedrock doesn't do mods and she always replies with "wel... | 4 minute plank? My life could be on the line and I wouldn't make it past 2 minutes, but your 8 year old with abs of steel can do 4 minutes for a computer.
I need to rethink some life choices. |
TIFU by dying in class
I was in study hall yesterday morning, and I was hella tired cuz I had stayed up late the night before. So I put my head down on the desk and took a fat nap. Shortly after I fell asleep, my nose started bleeding. A lot. There was so much blood, it formed a massive puddle on the desk.
Everyone ... | Hey man it sucks that you died, hope you’re doing okay now. |
Sorry for the length and formatting. On mobile.
TLDR; I ignored the warning of a friend about a guy who asked me out, I lived to regret it
This happened in 2008, shortly after I got stationed in South Korea (Republic of Korea, officially.)
I was a lowly private, albeit a reasonably attractive woman in my early twe... | You should have stayed in the 1st cab. |
So this started 2 weeks ago
I went to my mom's house for holidays just left today, so my younger brother(17) still lives with my mom. Doing the basic family reunion stuff catching up bugging my brother about women, when to my surprise he announces he had a GF.
Naturally I start being an asshole and bugging him about... | Get your brother to take a paternity test, there is something fishy afoot. |
This is like out of a damn cartoon.
A couple of days ago the cows in my village were going absolutely bonkers. Me not being able to sleep and having an exam in the morning had the billion dollar idea to take my most soundproof earplugs and go to sleep. I fell asleep in like 5 minutes.
I also like to set my ringtone to... | That story got wilder and wilder by the second |
So the build up to this fuck up...
I work out at home and have done since my child was born. I like to work out to music and there is one particular song that for some reason really helps me get in the mood to squat. It's a song that I'd played for some time without question until 4 months ago because it has a few sw... | Once my then 2 - 3 year old yelled at me ‘You Are A TOY!!!’ at the top of his lungs.
He’d been watching Toy Story and to him? That was the worst insult ever!
I had to turn around so he wouldn’t see me laugh!!!
Edit: Holy cow this blew up while I was putting that same child to bed! However, he’s now 11 and talks my e... |
My Girlfriend and i love to try a lot of weird sex-stuff to keep things spicy. Yesterday she came along with a balloon fetish she read something about.
This does not push any boundaries for wither one of us, so we sat down, had a lot of tequila and blew up some balloons. At one point our inner children came to shine an... | “I’ll spare you further details because I’m sure you get the idea”. For the life of me I can’t figure out what you did with these balloons. Send help |
I work as a waiter in the biggest restaurant of my city, and today the mayor came here for dinner with his friends and his wife
He drank alcohol for all the time, and at the end he was drunk as fuck (when he is perfectly lucid he acts like a moron, so imagine how he could be a prick when drunk)
At the end of the dinn... | Maybe you lost your job but he's the one who's eaten a dick. |
Happened this morning, about 5 hours ago.
I was on my way to work, following a guy towing a trailer behind him. I noticed some sparks coming from somewhere underneath the trailer.
Normally, I wouldn't think twice about it, but I was having an especially good morning and wanted to help. Plus he was hauling a decent s... | Show me on this map of Florida where this happened to you. |
So yeah, the majority of you were right, they were having sex (I did think it sounded like it). They ate some hummus first, then put it away (didn't do anything at the same time like some of you freaks suggested) and then had sex. My son's boyfriend (I think they're boyfriends) saw the post and couldn't stop laughing, ... | This has to be a troll 🤣 |
I've been a self-employed confectioner for the past two years and I recently started trying to get back into one of those fancy jobs with an office thingy again. I should also mention that for almost ten years I've used the same handle across multiple social media platforms. It's by no means a secret identity, but it's... | Here is the bright side, you can just re-apply with your real name now.
"omg this guy is just as qualified as Titty Boobwitz but not insane, let's hire him" |
​
So some background: I'm a college student and due to the current situation I am using Zoom on a regular basis for all of my classes. Typically in my in person classes, I am usually just there and get my work done and leave, I usually just blend in and go under the radar in most classes.
Basically, I have rec... | Now that is hilarious. I'll give you an F in chat for this one. |
About two hours ago I was heading home with a bunch of shopping bags, and I saw a cat sitting in the corner of a side street, so I approached the cat and went "psps hey baby!", and I see a woman coming out of that side street. We lock eyes and I immediately say that I'm talking to the cat and point at the cat, only to ... | Well that's the most random clusterfuck hahah.
Whatever tension she might've felt got finished with your fall, if that serves any consolation |
We had a wonderful evening together. Had some drinks and played video games until the early am — way past either of our limits and either of our bedtimes. We topped the evening off with some marital bedtime bliss and fell asleep holding each other...
...and I very nearly never woke up.
I am a person with environment... | This is also why access to an EpiPen is vital.
The people I know who really need one either _don't_ have one because it's expensive or have a super old expired one... because it's expensive.
Edit: u/Cheibutbetter suggested an affordable option:
>I would recommend anyone struggling to afford EpiPens ask their allergi... |
So, the day started out wonderfully. I woke up around half past six, went out to see that there is absolutely no one at the beach. I quickly ran downstairs, ate a bagle, while putting on my swim trunks. Looking at the clock in my living room I was happy with the amount of time it took for me to get ready and rushed of... | Holy shit. |
I am so beside myself with shame that I almost couldn’t bring myself to post this.
But reddit karma is my mistress and I must heed her sweet call.
So yesterday was my sister’s birthday (this fu didn’t happen today, yadda yadda), I was waking up from a dead, night shift worker induced sleep when my teenaged sister w... | Is she really gonna want to wear it again?
"Yeah it's my birth stone. It also came out my sister's ass" |
> So for a bit of a light hearted break from all those creepy incest posts- this actually happened yesterday but I am ready to laugh about it now.
>
>Theres this other mom at my daughters daycare, and she is hot to trot. She looks like a buff version of morena baccarin (sp?) and to top it off shes super cool ... | She must be pretty sensitive about her weight/being compared to her sister for her to snap at you that way... Of course people are going to be confused if they don't know that you're a twin (especially if their facial features are very similar).
I've had a total stranger come up and hug me, believing that I was my si... |
I guess this is more of a positive fuck up, but still a fuck up.
Anyway, I've been smoking (just cigarettes) regularly for a bit over 4 years now. I really like smoking, it relaxes me, clears my head, and I love the taste of different tobaccos. Well, loved.
I don't smoke a lot unless I'm out with friends, which as yo... | Worked at a bar part time and picked up a full smoking habit. I stopped working at the bar then the world got shut down. I can't remember the last time I smoked a cigarette and I love it. |
TLDR; sister died and left me her home, parents tried to sell it so I had to explain the will. Now they’re gonna sue me.
[edited to fix spelling / grammar / weird ass sentences I used]
My 36F sister died 6 months ago from a heart condition. She practically raised me so it’s been difficult to deal with. I’m in my fin... | Imagine losing your child, and being mad about not getting money from it |
**My Experience:**
I’ve had small amounts of bright red blood on my stool for years. I had always dismissed this finding because I’m young with a horrible diet.
I have always been taught that black stool is the worrisome stool, as that’s indicative of upper gastrointestinal bleeding, whereas stool that has bright blo... | Um unexpectedly great advice |
Happened about a week ago, but I've been hesitant to post this as I wasn't sure if it really fits. No one involved in this story is a minor. Tl;dr at bottom.
I am a freshman in college, and have fairly quickly settled in with a group of friends, which is awesome. There are about six of us, and we were all eating dinne... | You hear that? That’s the sound of thousands of iPhone redditors suddenly checking to make sure that setting is turned off.
~~EDIT: A lot of replies I’m getting suggest that people are misunderstanding the situation. I don’t believe OP is talking about sharing a single iCloud account (username and password). OP is tal... |
(UPDATE AT BOTTOM!)
This happened yesterday. I can't wait until it's much further away than that.
So this is a throwaway, I have \*(had) another account where I like to post nudes of myself. That can be your judgement, and why I do it is a whole other conversation, lol, but I do. As a straight guy who posts nudes, mo... | Shouldve just walked in like 👉😎👉 zoop
But seriously, you don't think she'll see this and know |
So my wife loves to watch Tiktok videos at 100% volume while I watch shows she doesn’t really care for. Eventually I just give in and watch them with her on her phone. (Some of them are actually decent)
One started as a prank video between a husband and wife. The mildly attractive wife in the tiktok made up a story ab... | Just go get the supplies you need to shave her butthole and surprise her. It's the only way |
Obligatory this is a throwaway and this happened last winter yada yada yada.
​
I had this couple matched on tinder for a while, never messaged them before, never really cared for the idea but I still swiped out of boredom. They were listed about mid 30's, and the woman was big, but had huuuuuuge boobs. Couldn'... | This story makes me feel like you raped yourself. |
My wife broke her phone over the weekend, so we got her a new one. After it came in yesterday, she used my phone to log onto her Google account to so something, sets her phone up and gives mine back to me. I'm playing Dark Souls 2, not thinking much about it. She goes to bed, I stay up gaming for a while.
The next ... | Strange cover story for a pokemon-pornstar-squirting-kink |
This is a throwaway account, and this happened about two years ago.
I was fresh out of high school (18F), and in desperate need of some funds. I already had a job that I didn’t make enough money doing, and I needed cash fast.
Naturally I became a prostitute.
I’m not one anymore but I used to average about 5 clien... | Excellent throwaway account name. |
Obligatory this didn't happen today. This is a project I've been working on for the past week, but the FU only became apparent yesterday.
The characters in this story are:
1. Me, father to a 16-month-old
2. My wife, mother to the same 16-month-old
3. Our 16-month-old
For the past couple of months, Kiddo has been sayi... | For months, every time I saw my niece I would ask her "who's your favorite uncle?" and point to myself. After a few months it finally paid off. I asked her "who's your favorite uncle?" and she looked at me with a huge smile... and pointed at herself. |
Obligatory this happened over the course of a few days, ending a couple days ago
So I was on a certain adult website having a browse of certain adult products, ended up popping some stuff in my cart until I hit the free postage amount. I was pleasantly surprised when I was offered 20% off as a new customer, and applie... | Everything is a ...
...I guess you weren’t brave enough. |
So apparently I'm a genuine idiot. My husband and I sometimes send flirty pics back and forth when we haven't gotten to spend much time together because of busy schedules. Last night I was having some drinks while he was at work, but safe to say I was drunk. I took a few photos and went to send them to him, well to wha... | When I was in high school we had a CVS that had a Subway shop inside. A girl in my grade worked there, and took a bunch of nude photos all around the Subway kitchen, posing on the prep tables etc. She then went to get the photos developed at the same CVS that the Subway where she worked was in. She got fired. |
TIFU by giving my old sports car to my stepson (16), instead of my actual son (20) who wanted it since he was a child.
This happened last year, but yesterday I got a grim reminder.
Before we start off with this trainwreck of a story, here is some background information.
I've been a car mechanic since the age of 19 a... | I dont even know how to respond to this, this is the biggest fuck up i have ever read. Sounds like that promise was one of the things that guided his childhood, something that guided his decisions through his life, and you broke it. Im sorry to hear about this situation with your son. |
This happened last month during a staycation in the U.K. with my (25M) girlfriend’s (25F) family.
My GF, her mum and her sister decided to go shopping for the day. Her dad, sister’s boyfriend and I headed for the pub. We were about 3 pints in when the FU began..
GFs Dad: “OP, how long have you and my daughter been ... | Haha, you had such a wholesome “I love her and I’m thinking of marriage” intentions and you totally fumbled what would have been a great moment. I’m sorry, glad they understood the misunderstanding.
Edited to fix autocorrect. |
This morning I was out for a walk with my two dogs. Now it's important for context that you understand how pretty my dogs are. They are both rescue husky mixes that look fairly unusual and have really beautiful blue eyes. It's not out of the ordinary for people to stop me and ask about them, compliment them, and want t... | Dog tax? |
Obligatory 'this happened yesterday'.
The day before yesterday, my foster daughter had a bunch of her friends over to watch the premier of the new BTS video. I'd check on them every now and then and every time I saw them, they were doing these weird stretches with their arms over their heads or behind their backs. ... | This sounds like a trick invented by schoolboys to get girls to push out their chests with maneuver #3. |
Happened just now. Sorry for my possible slips as English is not my mothertongue. I mostly only lurk around, but this time I decided that it's something worth sharing, given the spirit of the sub.
I've been in quite a low mood because of some job related bullshit. Usually when I get depressed at home I start doing the... | "Nah theres no way"
*checks top post of all time*
"Oh shit" |
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